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Chapter Text

Lewis was on a high. The race was won, earning him his most satisfying crown yet as 8 time world champion. The struggle and the hard battles had pushed him right to the edge, making this moment ever sweeter. He felt for Max, understanding the pain of losing out the chance to lose out a first world championship on such fine margins, mind drifting back to 2007. ‘He will go very far. That is for sure.’ Lewis remincised, as he typed out a text to Seb to meet him by the gates.

Seb. His fiancé of 2 years. The one who saved him from his descent into darkness. Nico had broken him, lied to him, but then Seb came crashing into his life, quite literally. Lewis chuckled, thinking back to their little tryst in Baku.

The paddock was empty, the long season meant staff were more than eager to leave to finally be reunited with their loved ones. Lewis sighed as he felt the exhaustion settle in. ‘Why am I feeling so uneasy?’ he murmured to himself, feeling an uncomfortable sensation of anxiety.

He turned the corner, planning to take the elusive short cut past the Ferrari motorhomes to the gate; when he spotted something out of the corner of his eye.

Two men, kissing rather passionately against the motorhome wall. Lewis automatically wanted to duck his head down, not wanting to disturb the intimate embrace. But his eyes were fixed. The light in that moment had just shone past the motorhomes to illuminate the two lovers. As Lewis recognised the figures, his heart sank. His mind blanked. And there he was, frozen at the sight that broke him at his core.

Charles Leclerc was kissing his fiancé. Seb had Charles pressed up against the wall, kissing him with abandon. At that moment, Charles’ eyes opened, making direct eye contact with Lewis.

Lewis heard it. The soft swearing of fuck, as Charles shoved Seb away quickly. ‘That’s Seb. Seb was kissing Charles.’ Lewis thought, the revelation finally settling in.

He heard Seb making his way towards him, and he did the only thing his body would allow him. He ran. Away from yet another betrayal, away from the man who promised the world, the one who played with his already scarred heart.

He doesn’t remember how he got back, his body on autopilot. He recognised people trying to congratulate him, but could only see the vision of Seb and Charles together. His eyes were glazed over as if he is stuck in the past, mind unable to keep up with the events.

Lewis opened his door and promptly shut it, collapsing to the floor. Finally giving into his feelings of anguish, heart wrenching cries tumbled out his mouth with his tears free falling. He clutched at the ground for some support, as yet again his mental support has been ripped from beneath him.

He was crying. All he could do was cry. ‘Once again I am not enough.’ Lewis thought solemnly, mind trying to make sense of why this has happened again.

Lewis, so lost in his head, didn’t hear the door open. The sound of footsteps getting closer, caused his body to curl further into itself, an attempt to protect its fragile self once again.

“Lewis. Please, Lew look at me. Let me explain.” Seb begged. He was on his knees next to Lewis, trying to reach for him. But Lewis instinctually flinched away. Lewis wanted him to disappear, but his mind was screaming why? Anger suddenly rose to the surface, overtaking Lewis' vision.

“WHY?!” Lewis screamed rising up to face Seb, causing Seb to stumble back in surprise. Their gazes caught, and all Seb could see in those normally loving warm eyes was blazing anger bordered with sadness.

“Tell me why Seb. Try to get me to understand. Please tell me that you didn’t cheat. That you didn’t just play with me? That these last 4 years weren’t just a joke, that I wasn’t a little trophy to add to your conquests?” Lewis sneered, now stalking towards Seb, fists balled at his side.

“I… I…” Seb stuttered.

“I what? Seb, you fucking told me. That I was your world. That the last thing you would ever do was cheat on me. You knew! You fucking knew what I had been through. And I had trusted you, trusted you to not repeat what Nico did to me.” Lewis said. His voice began to lose its anger and gave way to the true agony that laid beneath.

Lewis fell suddenly, his body no longer able to support itself against the overwhelming mental pain. Seb tried to catch him but Lewis pushed him away. One question ran around Lewis' head. 

'I need to know. I can't bear to wait any longer. I need to know' Lewis concluded, his heart no longer strong enough to continue playing this charade. 

“Do you still love me?" he asked, voice so soft almost as if Lewis was afraid to even ask the question. 

“I..I..” Sebastian couldn’t say it.

The final blow to his cracked heart had been delivered. Lewis knew. He simply sat there, head bowed, eyes looking downwards. ‘He doesn’t love me anymore.’ Lewis knew he had to accept this reality, but his heart was lurching, as if trying to escape this hell.

Seb stood there stunned, mouth unable to form words. ‘Why can’t I say the words? I love him, I love him with all my heart. Why am I such a coward?’

“I love you! I love you so much Lewis. You know I do. Please forgive me. Please. It was the heat of the moment. I don’t love Charles, never did.” Seb finally shouted. But it was too late. Lewis had accepted that yet again the one he loved doesn’t love him back. Seb’s belated words of love had fallen on deaf ears.

Lewis whispered bitterly, “Why? Was I not enough? Or was I just simply a convenient fuck for you?” He had a look of a man utterly defeated, downtrodden as yet again his world was shred to pieces.

“You are enough. You are everything I could want and more liebe. Please don’t let the demons tell you that. I made the mistake, I gave into the immediate pleasure, but there is no one that makes me feel like you do.” Seb cried hard, clutching Lewis' shoulders, trying to get Lewis to look at him. Seb knew the demons were back, and this time it was he that destroyed Lewis’ fragile sanctuary.

“Please listen to me, please Lewis! You are enough! It was my fault, nothing to do with you.” Seb urged. Trying to force through the words into Lewis’ closed off mind. He was holding him tight, Lewis’ body unmoving, and Seb’s heart dropped. ‘I destroyed him. I’ve hurt the one person who ever loved me so wholly. I’m sorry liebe, please, let me show you how wrong I was.’

An eight world champion was on his knees. Tears streaming down his face, eyes pleading. Seb couldn't help but feel his heart seize up in guilt. 

Seb felt himself shaken off the embrace. “Don’t touch me.” said Lewis, voice threaded with exhaustion.

“You have made the mistake, and I won’t forgive you. I told you. I will not let myself be a fool again.” he said, eyes still refusing to look at Seb, afraid that his eyes would give away his longing to be back in his lover’s arms.

“Lewis please..” said Seb as he reached out to Lewis. Lewis quickly moved away. 

“Get out, please just get out.” he whispered in a forceful tone, leaving no room for argument. Seb sighed, but obeyed Lewis' command. He left the room softly, leaving Lewis alone once again.

Lewis remained slumped on the floor, his body present yet mind faraway. Taunting him, his mind repeated the same line. 'Seb doesn't love you anymore.' With some effort, his eyes shifted to focus on his engagement ring. The ring he thought would finally heal his long battered heart and give him his happy ending. ‘Well I guess I asked too much of the world this time.’ Lewis bitterly murmured, glaring at the ring that served to remind him of what he just lost.

Chapter Text

Lewis cried hard. A supposed night of celebration quickly became his breaking point. He felt the exhaustion of the events catch up to him as he slipped into unconsciousness, falling asleep in his protective shell on the floor.

Morning came, and he blinked. ‘Where is Seb?’ Lewis thought innocently, mind still blissfully fuzzy.

Last night's memories rushed in. He felt himself seize up. He couldn't breathe, panic blocking his airways. He clutched his heart tight, while trying to remember to breathe. But he couldn’t, nothing seems to cure this heartbreak induced attack. In a last ditch attempt, Lewis grabbed his phone and called the first person he could.

Daniel was lounging in bed. His boyfriend was deep asleep having tried to overcome his disappointment of losing his first world championship. While pondering, his phone went off. ‘Lewis? Why would he be calling?’ Dan questioned as he swiped to answer.

Lewis, almost indecipherable, stuttered out, “Dan, Dan, Seb.. Seb ..”
Daniel softly urged, “Lewis what’s going on?”. He noted with concern, the pain in Lewis' voice.
Lewis tried again to articulate the painful events, “Seb.. he… he cheated Dan. I don’t know what to do” he finally spoke, energy leaving him. “I don’t want to be alone anymore Dan.” he whispered with finality.
“Which room?” Dan asked.
“404”, Lewis told him.

Daniel’s mind was a flurry. ‘Seb is.. Was a good guy. I can’t believe he would do this?’ Daniel thought as he tried to rationalise what he just heard. He sighed, as he tried to quietly leave the bed. Max shifted beside him and softly called out, “where are you going Dan?” “I’ll be back soon Maxy. Lewis needs me.” Dan said, not yet willing to tell him the news yet.

Max frowned as he looked at Dan. he could see the worry lines, and the concern in Dan’s eyes. ‘It must be something really serious.’ he thought, ‘I won’t push for details now.’ He pushed down the small tinge of annoyance of his boyfriend going to comfort his rival, understanding the severity of the situation.

“Okie Dan. I’ll see you at breakfast.” Max said, giving Dan a quick peck on the cheek, before settling back to sleep.
Dan smiled tightly. He was so grateful for his relationship with Max, while he darkly thought, ‘And I was happy that Lewis had Seb. Guess you can’t judge a book by the cover.’ He quickly ran to his friend's room. Daniel reached the room but found the door open. And there he found Lewis curled by the bed.

Lewis opened his eyes to see Dan’s eyes, filled with worry, and with the strength he moved to Dan's arms, crying into his shirt. Letting his pain seep out, "He left me for Charles, why am I never enough? Why does love always cause me pain? I’m so tired of this Dan."

Lewis cried out all his emotions in Dan’s embrace. All Dan could do was hold him. He couldn't even let out a single comforting word, his mind full of anger towards Sebastian. After a while of letting Lewis let go of all his pent up emotions, he felt Lewis go limp in his arms, and sighed as he gently placed the World Champion on the bed. He quickly texted Angela, to let her know of the situation and to look over Lewis when he wakes.

He returned to Max, who was dressed and ready to go. Max watched as Dan slowly walked into the room. Max noticed his boyfriend's footsteps were heavy with worry and his shirt was damp.

Max gently probed, “What happened Dan?”, as he took his boyfriend into a hug feeling as Dan immediately relaxed into the embrace.

Dan was furious. Clenching his teeth he ground out, “Fucking Leclerc finally broke up a relationship. Seb was cheating on Lewis with Charles… Lewis caught them.”

"Not again. Not fucking again." seethed Max, as he tried to get his emotions under control. Charles had tried several times to seduce Daniel, and it nearly had broke them especially after Las Vegas. Now all he saw was red. Max let Dan go, and quickly made his way to the door.

Before Dan could stop him, Max was out of the room.

He went straight to the cafeteria of the hotel, hoping to find the face he wanted to punch. He spotted him quickly, stalking towards his target.

Max said, “ you motherfucking cheating bitch” and punched Charles hard in the jaw.

Every driver was in shock. The cafeteria was full with all the drivers, everyone saying their goodbyes before the break. Seb got up to help Charles up, while Charles quickly recovered and got to his feet. Charles screamed back at Max,” Why the fuck did you hit me?”

Max chuckled emptily. “Angel Charlie has finally achieved his aim in breaking up another couple" he shouted, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"The couple we all respected and loved, the couple that always gave us support. Seb, you had all my respect, but I will never forgive you for what you have done to Lewis. You fucking stay away from him. You will regret this decision. You don’t think lil Charlie here will not be bored of you soon and move onto his next victim? How could you be so dumb to cheat on someone that gave you their everything? Someone who trusted you with their heart, just for you to shatter it all over again?”, Max screamed, emotions rolling over him like waves. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he could feel nothing but pain for his friend.

Max composed himself and said to Seb, looking him in the eyes: “you will regret this Vettel, and when you realise your mistake it will be too late”. Saying that he stalked out of the cafeteria, Daniel trailing behind him. 

Unfortunately, Max didn’t think it would be too late for them too.

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Charles and Seb looked down in shame. Their mistakes and flaws laid bare amongst all their peers. Seb couldn’t help but look for his best friend, hoping he at least pitied him. However, Kimi normally stoic, couldn't hide his disappointment his friend's actions.  

'Lewis really didn't deserve this. I told Seb to be wary of Charles. I didn't think he would do this…' Kimi thought as he shook his head, getting up and leaving the room, feeling the desperate gaze of his friend following him as he left. 

Meanwhile, Esteban was crying in Pierre's arms. "Charles how could you? Wasn't it enough that you broke Esteban and I up? Huh? Are you that sick that you think love is something you can play with?" berated Pierre, enraged at Charles and the fact his friend still hasn't learnt after all this time.

Charles scoffed, "Shut it Pierre. You have no right to say that when you also made the mistake. Don't act like a saint now."

Pierre, stunned at Charles' blasé attitude bit back, "You think it's all game don't you? Playing with people's hearts. Destroying relationships just because you can. But I know you Leclerc, you do it, not because it's fun, but because you want what they have." 

Pierre steeled as he continued, "But Charles you only love yourself. Your pretty words and sex technique only get you so far. Seb only broke up with Lewis because he got caught, not because he loved you. You really think that? That he loved you?." 

Pierre further stared into Charles' eyes, and saw them quivering. He smirked, knowing he had struck a chord. "You will never find love this way Charles. As your friend, I can only say just change your ways before you hurt more people, and learn to be a fucking decent human." 

He left, guiding his distraught boyfriend out with him. And bit by bit, the drivers trickled out leaving a broken Sebastian and a stunned Charles in the middle. 

Charles finally asked, voice exposing a rare vulnerability, "Seb… do you love me?" His eyes did not dare leave the ground, almost terrified to hear Seb's answer. 

Seb without preamble stated, "No Charles, I don't love you. Pierre was right. I would have never left Lewis for you or for anyone in that case." 

"I see…" 

"I'm leaving. Going to Monaco to beg Lewis for forgiveness. This thing between us, it's over. It was a mistake and it has cost me the most precious person in my life." And with that Seb left Charles, who’s gaze remained fixed on the floor. His eyes shut, as if in pain, and again Charles was left alone to his own misery.

Chapter Text

Lewis looked out the plane window aimlessly, powerful emotions pushing through his body like the turbulence rolling from the plane. Finally pushing against the useless emotions, he stated determined, “I am strong, I am enough." As he spoke, a smile finally dawned on his face. But if one looked close enough you could see the turmoil simmering in his eyes. But no one was there to look. He knew inside that even if he said it, he was just lying to himself. 

He felt his phone vibrating and saw Toto was calling. “Toto, how are you?”. “Well got a bruised hand for one. But Lewis where are you? I was unaware you had left so quick. We didn't even get to celebrate with you”. Lewis smiled, grateful for Toto’s keen avoidance of the events, “Just needed to get out of there Toto. So I could breathe.”

Toto spoke slow, “I understand. Lewis just take care ok? I am there if you need someone to call. I’m your friend before your boss.”

Lewis said softly “Thank you man. I really appreciate what you have done for me.”

Toto, a bit taken aback from these words, hesitantly proposed, “I’ll be seeing you before January with my pizza ready?”

Lewis’ smile dropped slightly, and with a tight voice said, “Yeah, yeah for sure.” and quickly cut the call. 

Toto sat back in his car, mind drifting to those last words. This doesn’t sound like the Lewis he knows.

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It's been one day since the events

Max stared at this chocolate and asked Dan, “Dan.. This is 6 Euros, for one bar of chocolate. Is this made of gold or something?” The pair were at the vegan store in Monaco, trying to find some snacks for a movie night with Lewis.  Dan laughed, but it didn’t reach his eyes. 

Max hugged him from behind. “He is fine. He is a grown man, and I'm sure all these vegan treats will perk him back up. And we have even rented all the Mission Impossible movies, so that will definitely cheer him up if those fail." Max tried to reassure his boyfriend, but knew he was feeling the same anxiety he was.

Was Lewis actually coping? They both knew how good Lewis was at hiding his true emotions. The world saw this emotional guy, who laid himself bare for the world. Yet, the mask Lewis wore was so detailed and impenetrable, no one truly saw Lewis' pain and struggle. 

Dan sighed, shaking his head. “I know Maxie, I've just never seen him break down. Max it was chilling. It was like I was seeing his heart physically breaking, and I could do nothing to help.” As Dan recounted his experience, Max saw the dimming of emotion in Dan's eyes. 'God Lewis, why did it have to be you?'  Dan thought, stuck in the memory. 

Max, sensing Daniel was lost in thought, took Daniel’s face into his hands and kissed him softly. “You are an amazing friend, and we will be there. We will be there to support him.” Dan smiled, and hugged him back. 'He's right, we will be there. He's not alone.' Dan affirmed, regaining his cheerfulness. But more importantly, finding determination to make sure to help his friend. 

“Now let’s go see the pizza selection. I saw this cool vegan pepperoni and Maxie it was just like an original”. Max laughed as he trailed his re-energised boyfriend, but his mind sent a silent prayer, “God give him strength.”

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, the sun was rising high in the early morning. The sunlight deceivingly covered the darkness shrouding Lewis' mind as he unlocked the door of his home with slight trepidation. He knew as he soon as he saw the pictures, Seb's signature white coffee cup, and their chair, all the feelings he wanted to erase will rise back up. 

With a heavy sigh, he straightened and walked into their.. his home. But he couldn't even make it through the door before the despair hit. All he saw was Seb in these walls. All he felt was the unshakeable ache that gnawed at him, bit by bit.

He dropped his things, and sprinted to the toilet. The nausea and anxiety hitting him like a tsunami wave. Lewis felt his energy drain, the once energising home now being a reminder of everything he has lost. 'Once again' he lamented, 'my home has become my hell.' 

It had been nearly an hour since he had returned and he hadn't moved from his spot. Too tired, too terrified to go back to face the new wave of crushing emotions that threatened to drown him. He rose up disjointedly, stumbling as if drunk.

He grabbed onto the sofa arm as he slumped down onto the soft cushions. He let his mind race, a new onslaught of tears rising to the surface.  

He remembered Nico's betrayal. They had been on and off since 2006, only confirming their relationship (in secret) in 2013. Nico had continually made excuses about reasons to move in together, holidays with family, nights out with friends. That should have been a red flag, yet he was too in love to notice them. And when you ignore red flags, the consequences are always severe. He remembered finding the ring, his heart elated until he realised it was much too small for him. Then after the confrontation, Nico still had managed to convince him it was a ring for his Mum. Oh how he wished he wasn't so blind. 

He remembered how Nico coldly informed him in the winter of 2015 that he never loved him. That he couldn't be with a queer, black man, that he had standards. And Lewis didn't meet any apart from that he was a good and convenient fuck. He told him he was marrying a woman worthy of his love that Christmas, and Lewis had no place in his life. 

Nico had broken his heart that Christmas and 2016 just slid the knife in deeper. He remembered standing on the roof of the paddock in mid September after Malaysia. The sneers, the battles, the arguments that Nico continually hammered onto him. The uselessness and hate he’d feel. 'You will not be enough for me Lewis.' 'You thought I would love you? Someone who only loves himself?' 'You only liked being with me because I was beneath you.' The taunts, the stabs of self doubt that continued to grind in further until he was left at the complete mercy of his demons. 

His demons roared at full strength that day, taunting him until all he could feel was need for escape. 

‘He is right, who would love me? Someone who loves winning and being a champion that I forget the people I love. Was I really so bad? Did I not show I loved him? Was I the reason he left me?’ Those thoughts had wound themselves round his heart and mind, becoming his own self identity.

That day if Angela hadn’t come to find him, Lewis thought he might’ve taken that step. His demons hadn’t won then and Lewis had thought he defeated them when Seb came crashing into his life.

But Sebastian had simply burrowed those feelings further, rooting them firmly in Lewis' conscience and heart. 

His thoughts rammed into his conscience with arrows of self hate. ‘You thought you were enough? How did Nico put it? As yes, a quick convenient fuck- that's all you are.’ ‘Who would love you and your body? Do you not see how disgusting it is?’ ‘Who would love a man who can’t love?’.

Lewis curled into himself, as the new wave of attack came upon his mental haven. He couldn’t breathe. “STOP! STOP PLEASE STOP.” he screamed in an futile attempt to cage the voices. Weeping, he admitted, “I want peace. Please show me how to get peace. I don’t want this life anymore.”

‘There is one way.’ they enticingly suggested. ‘Why don’t you disappear? We told you before, it is the only way. Can't you see? We were right.’ 

With that, Lewis sealed his fate, as he affirmed in a daze like state, “Yes you are right. It is the only way for peace in this hell.” 

The demons smiled in victory. 

With a new sense of clarity, Lewis had made up his mind. This world had shown him only pain and disappointment. The torment of Seb’s action had forever blocked Lewis' view to the joys of life, taking away his trust and faith in the world and in a better future. 

He had been played a fool once again, and he knew he could not survive another. What more was there to achieve? 8 time world champion, the world was going to hell anyway. What is left for him on this earth that continues to mercilessly break him? 

He knew what to do now, to finally be happy. 

Lewis reached for his phone and called a single number. "I would like an appointment as soon as possible. Yes, 8pm today is great. Thank you."

He had his plan, and now it's time to enact it.

Chapter Text

That Evening

Lewis’ home was a frenzy. Boxes everywhere, trophies all bubble wrapped. He wiped his brow, and looked down proud of his work. Everything packed up and labelled, ready to be sent. He needed to get out of here before Seb came back. Thankfully Angie was able to ask Britta for details of Seb's flight and knew he won't be there till tomorrow evening at the earliest. 

His phone shrieked and he went to answer.

 “Yes, I’ll be at the office by 1 tomorrow. Please have the papers ready to review. Yes, I have all the details. Thank you for organising this on short notice. I really appreciate it. See you soon.”

He surveyed the now bare apartment. Then he caught sight of the last framed picture of him and Seb, eyes dimming.. He silently placed it in a box and closed the lid. He walked to the balcony, breathing in the cold air and stared up into the stars. “I am ready.” he whispered into the night. 

NEXT MORNING

Dan and Max, hands full with treats, strolled to Lewis’ door, perplexed by the moving van outside. The door was open so they made their way inside. 

“Lewis? Lewis, you there mate?” Dan called out.

“Dan? Max? I am so sorry the place is an absolute mess.” Lewis apologised. 

“Are you moving?” Max blurted out. Lewis looked down at his feet, rubbing the back of his head not able to meet their eyes as he lied smoothly, “Yeah, it was an impulsive decision, I just want a change of scenery.” 

“So finally leaving us for NYC then?” Dan joked, trying not to probe. He added laughingly, “God dammit, this means I can't steal your toilet roll anymore," trying to shake this sense of uneasiness in the situation. 

Lewis smiled, almost tearfully, at them, as he pulled them into a hug. “Thank you guys. For caring, and putting up with me all this time.” 

Max said uneasily,  "You are only going to LA mate, and we will see you at the races. Don’t think you’ll get rid of us that easily.”

Lewis replied, forcing a sense of easiness to flow back into his voice, “of course. Of course, you guys are like leeches.” With that, Dan and Max relaxed. That sounded like normal Lewis, they thought, maybe we were overreading the situation. 

“The Pizza! Lewis, you won’t get better friends than us. Look we found these banging vegan snacks- ''which Dan had to taste test” Max injected. “Yes anyways, mate we are dragging you to a movie day with us, so grab your keys and come with us.” 

'This will be a good way to spend some final time with them,' Lewis thought, before agreeing readily to the plan.  

The three exited the house, and as the banter flowed with the companionship cheering him up, Lewis deliberated 'maybe, maybe I shouldn’t.' But before he let the thought takeover, his demons spoke up, 'They are only doing it because they pity you, not because they actually like you. Who would like you? You just stole another championship from Max, what could he possibly like about you?’. 'They are right. I can't burden them more with my presence,' Lewis agreed swayed by his self-hate. 

He shook himself out of his thoughts and jogged to join back with the duo who were bickering and remained blissfully unaware of his plan. 

Evening

Having returned from his meeting with the lawyers, everything was set. ‘But now I just got to do it’ thought Lewis. 

He sat on his empty apartment floor, the moon reflecting off the porcelain. He debated, is life worth giving up? Is life worth living? He closed his eyes, trying to find his will, something to stop him from ending this all. But he's met with a mass of black, nothing surging, no fight coming from his heart. His heart was too beaten up to care anymore. He let Dan and Max cheer him up, he laughed and smiled. But all he could think about was tonight I can end this. They didn’t know, they couldn’t understand his pain, his suffering. Every minute, there is this ache that has settled in his chest. This pain that ate him up. 

But that's not what pushed him to escape this fucked world. His demons were back, playing at full force with his thoughts and his heart. They reminded him of his worthlessness, that an eight world champion meant nothing as yet again he’s been left alone. And that’s all his fault. If he was just more attractive, or more sweet, or just more like Charles, Seb would have stayed. But he too left, like a storm, destroying Lewis’ last sanctuary of peace.

He just does not have the energy to rebuild anymore. He tried to blame Seb, tried to blame Charles. But all he knew the fault was his own; His inability to compromise, his constant need to win that he forgets himself and others around; his unattractiveness. But yet Lewis couldn't see his compassion, his stunning beauty, his overflowing love for others. That people love him as he is, and he didn't need to change for acceptance. It was too late, for now his heart had shut off with the demons of his mind controlling his view. As he continued to stare at the clear moon, he didn't notice his phone vibrating with life, people desperate to help him, to be there for him. 

He stood up and walked to his door, leaving his phone behind. Letters left on the table, his will left on the counter. Lewis looked back with sadness overflowing with each step. And with one more step, he left his keys by the door for the last time, and he goes into the darkness of the night alone. 

Each step took him closer to his place of rest. The place where Seb had proposed to him.

Lewis dangled his feet over the edge, enjoying the warm breeze with sun rays lighting up his face. Seb called him over, shouting “you’re not dying on my watch Hamilton!” 

Lewis remembers his carefree laugh, his heart glowing with happiness as he captured Seb into his arms. Seb wriggled out and captured Lewis’ lips, whispering ‘thank you for making me the happiest man alive.’ Lewis' eyes lit up, crinkling as he smiled unabashedly. Seb then knelt down, and Lewis looked back in shock. “Lewis Hamilton. I want to get the honour to have you with me day in and day out. You are all I need, Please my love, marry me?”

Lewis slid down onto his knees. The spot where he said yes, the spot where he had given his heart away he thought for the last time. He wants to cry, but all he felt is emptiness. Soul crushing emptiness, that has pervaded his heart and mind. He stared ahead, trying for the last time to cry, to scream, to feel something other than this unyielding apathy. But all he can do is stare, stare into the darkness that is calling him.

He stood up shakily, and walked to the edge. He was tired. He felt his eyes closing, body swaying. He let the tiredness set in, for once no longer fighting or trying. 

He wasn’t aware of another, screaming his name with all his heart, pleading with him to stop.

His mind was made up. He looked up one more time into the moon’s serene glow, and whispered “now I will be at peace” as he stepped off the edge. 

SEB 

He heard from Britta that Angie had asked for his flight details, and he knew that if he was going to get to Lewis in time, he had to go urgently. Pleading Lawrence Stroll he borrowed his jet that morning and had landed in Monaco just as it went 11pm. Seb raced home, quicker than he ever in Monaco including the races. ‘Please still be there Lew, please. I won’t let us go. I can’t let us go.’ He chanted. 

To his relief he saw Lewis’ car still there, and ran inside their home. Boxes everywhere, everything packed. But then he spotted it, a letter with his name on it. 

He quickly picked it up and read it through. His heart clenched as he realised what he had done to the one he loved the most. Tears streamed down Sebastian’s face as he racked his brain to where Lewis might be. He had to stop him, he was not going to let Lewis leave life so easily. 

‘I will leave at the place where you had made my life complete.’ Sebastian rushed to the cliffs, begging that time would be on his side. 

He reached the cliff, and there he saw him just 100m away. Lewis standing so perilously at the edge, swaying. He screeched, ‘LEWIS! DON’T! STOP!’

Lewis wasn’t responding, and Seb sprinted pleading to reach him before his body tips over the edge. But as he got within an arm's length, he saw Lewis’ body dangerously slip forwards and in a blink watched as his love plunged into the enveloping darkness. His hands grasping uselessly at the air as he laid there, unable to move. 

Seb screamed to the world, his regret and pain pouring out of his soul. Body crouched, hands slammed into the ground as he continued to cry for his lost love, the one he killed.

IN ANOTHER WORLD

“It’s Ayrton Senna! He is in the wall”. “This doesn’t look good Murray, he is not moving.” “ the race has been red flagged- all cars return to the pit lane”

As Ayrton felt his eyes fluttering closed, he heard the warm sound of a man's laugh with the image of beautiful doe brown eyes filling his vision. 

From above, someone smiled and a plan was set.

Chapter Text

Lewis opened his eyes. He slowly sat up, his body feeling as light as a feather. ‘The heaviness is finally gone’ he wondered in awe. 

“Where am I?” He spoke out loud as he surveyed the area. He looked at the ground and it struck him. He noted the apex and the bend. “Buckmore Park?” he asked himself, as he walked round the track that kick started his career. 

“You are correct Lewis.” Lewis jumped at the arrival of a new voice and quickly turned to spot the new person. A woman in all white was walking towards him, a flowing dress glowing and lighting up the dull grey sky. 

She softly spoke, “Do not be scared of me. I am simply an angel, some call me Fate, others destiny.” 

“Am I on my way to heaven?” Lewis tentatively asked, unsure on how to perceive this limbo. 'Is this where they decide my ultimate fate?' he pondered.

A jingling laugh broke him out his thought, and the angelic voice spoke again, “No, I am here to give you a second chance. See Lewis, someone messed with the fate of my favourite two beings. You see I am a bit of a formula one fan myself, and my future for you was definitely not this ending.” 

Now Lewis was very confused, and it showed. She laughed again at his confusion. “Dear Lewis, do not worry. I am here to give you what you have always craved. Love and happiness. And it is up to you if you want to take this second chance. So Lewis, what do you say?” As she explained, she gently clasped Lewis' hands in her soft, dainty hands. Lewis marvelled at the softest but was overwhelmed by the calmness that rushed through him as she touched him. 

"it is up to you Lewis. But my only recommendation is, listen to your heart." she offered, as she began to turn away, back towards the sun that began to emerge from the grey sky. Lewis felt desperate, he wanted this second chance, more than anything. 

And so without thinking, let his heart make the choice. And with conviction called out to the retreating figure, “Yes, yes I want it!”

"You have made a good choice my champion," she called back, as Lewis let himself fall completely into the warmth that enveloped him. 

And everything went to black.  

ITS NOW 1992

“Ayrton Senna” a voice whispered. Ayrton opened his eyes, his eyelids heavy as if they were lead. He had definitely felt his soul leave, he knew he was dead. Yet by some stroke of luck, he found himself back in his bed at his home in Brazil. “I swear, wait, I was in Imola, how am I home?” He quickly looked to the side to see the date was now January 1992. 

"Was it a dream? It felt too real to be a dream.." Ayrton said confused, as he slowly emerged from his bed.

Ayrton felt a healing and reassurance presence surround him, something he could put all his faith in. A voice floating in his ear softly informed him, "I have saved you. Ayrton, you are important and I have brought you the person that will bring you all the happiness you pray for. You will know it's him when you see him. You are welcome my champion." 

Before Ayrton could make any more sense of what is going on, his body gave way to unconsciousness as time reset. 

Chapter Text

1992 London Waterloo 

He bolted up, quickly looking down and patting his body to feel any difference. 'Ok, I haven't changed physically' Lewis noted finding that he was in the same body, just without his tattoos. But yet he can't place where he is. There's posters all over the wall of Lauda's winning 1974 McLaren and the Ferrari 126C car model. But the poster that takes up the largest wall is one of Ayrton Senna winning his 1988 World Championship, noticing a signature at the end. ‘This is an original!’ he exclaimed, running towards the poster to gently touch the signature. ‘Wow I have really succeeded as an f1 fanboy in this life.’ he mused, as he took in the décor of the rest of the room. 

"Where am I?" Lewis finally wondered, as he looked out the window. He gasped as he noted he was in London, but not the London he knows. The buses were the older model, and the area looked dissimilar yet familiar. ‘Maybe I am just seeing this wrong, is this London?’ he questioned. 

"Waterloo, London 1992." An answer floats through his mind. Lewis jumped so it wasn't a dream? 

"Yes, you are right. I did not lie, I have given you a second chance. Rather as a racer, you are a F1 mechanic for McLaren. F1 will always be your life passion and it is F1 where you will find your true happiness." the familiar jingling voice repeated into his ear. Lewis turned to see Fate standing in front of him.

"But I don't know this life, how can I pretend to be someone else?" he asked, imposter syndrome starting to settle in. ‘What if I mess this guys life up?’ he panicked, not wanting to be the reason of ruining his life again, but in another life. 

"Oh, dear Lewis. You are you, just in another universe. I have merged your memories and this Lewis was just as lonely and wanted a better life too.” Fate reassured, sensing his worry. “Remember Lewis this is you, so just be you!" she shouted as she turned to leave. 

"Wait, I have more questions! Wait please. Please tell me, will I be happy?" Lewis asked finally, an exhausted tone evident in his voice. The pain of his other life stuck to him like a leech, continually refraining him from seeing the positivity of life and love. 

Fate sighed understanding his anxiety but could only reply, "That is the answer you will find out for yourself Lewis." And so she fluttered away with the cherry blossom petals floating through his window. 

Before he could gather his thoughts, instinct told him he's late? 

"Oi mate! Did you forget? Meeting with Ron is an hour. Get up and out now!"

"Fuck yes! Sorry Tom. Hang on, one min!" Lewis shouted in reply, bewildered at how he knew his name. 

He rushed out and automatically tugged on  his clothes, grabbing his work pass and oyster, thanking God for muscle memory. 

"Tell me you love me." Tom joked as he handed Lewis an americano. Lewis smiled gratefully at the other, his mind telling him this was his best friend. Tom Roberts, his ride and die best friend from Cambridge, the only one that bothered talking and befriending a black man. His memories supplied that they both applied to Mclaren together and have fulfilled their dreams of being in F1 together. ‘I have a best friend finally.’ Lewis squealed inside, a companionship that always evaded him in his past life. 

 They sprinted to Waterloo station and took the network to Woking. 

"Thanks mate. I.. just.. had the weirdest dream. Like I was in another world, that I was a eight time world champion?" Lewis hesitantly said,  not sure how to articulate everything that's happened. 

"You do look a bit peaky Lewey. Did you get nervous that today Ron is picking Senna's engineering team?" Tom teased, lightening the mood but noting in seriousness his friend's off demeanour. His Lewey was normally so radiant, but for the last few weeks his energy had dimmed and Tom had been seriously concerned. But today, Lewis seemed more bright yet also different? 'I can't quite pick up on what's happened?' Tom thought, as he quickly glanced at Lewis. 

Lewis perked up. Senna.. he could work for Senna. Tom recognised the familiar fan boy daze that overtook Lewis' face and felt reassurance slip in, 'now that is the Lewey I know'. 

"Oh God. If you get it mate, I think Senna has a new stalker on his team. I know he is fit, but still be careful not to stare at him all day." joked Tom. 

Lewis gives him a shove, also laughing. "Shut up. I'm allowed to be a fan of someone okay?" “Just a fan.. Sure.” drawled sarcastically Tom, aware of the major celebrity crush his best friend held on the F1 champion. 

They reached the doors and the day kicked off straight away. He didn’t even have time to take in his old factory as he found himself in intense pit stop practice. Working hard, eyes focussed. He felt Ron's eyes on him, as intimidating as ever. He pushed hard. 'I want this.' Lewis thought. 'My heart is telling me I need this.'

In a blink of an eye, the day had ended. Lewis breathed a sigh of relief. ‘I am still confused about this life, but I am so excited.’ he contemplated as he lined up with all the other engineers. Tom quickly slotted in next to him and whispered, “we smashed it mate. I heard he put our names down. Our dream is about to be fulfilled.” 

It was announcement time. Lewis clenched his hands together. His heart racing, feeling like he was at the line ready for the start of his race. 

"Tom Roberts, Lewis Hamilton.. '' Everything else went blank as he tuned everything out. He's done it, he's there. 'I’ve reached Formula 1, now my life starts.' he mentally celebrated. 

Ayrton's POV in 1992

Ayrton landed in South Africa, ahead of the season starter. ‘Those eyes.’ Ayrton hummed, ‘I want to find those eyes filled with so much warmth, yet seeming so empty.’

It had been a couple weeks since Ayrton had woken up from that striking dream. It had felt so real, that he genuinely thought he had died.  ‘Why can’t I stop seeing those eyes.. And that voice, that laugh’ he thought as he walked towards his motorhome contemplatively. 

“Ayrton!” someone screamed, jostling him out of his thoughts. ‘Sigh, this season is going to be hard, the car, it's not quick enough.’ 

“Ayrton, your mechanics are here! Do you want to get acquainted?” Ayrton's manager told him as he reached the meeting room. 

“Yes, yes. Not the same guys?” Ayrton asked, a bit disappointed. He loved that group of guys. 

Ayrton’s manager chuckled nervously, “You know how Ron is. Only the best.” Ayrton sighed, but he appreciated Ron’s commitment to being the best possible team. It’s why they had won for the past 4 years. 

He reached the door, and as he was about to open the door, a warm breeze hit him. It twisted around his body, causing him to stop and look around. His heart started racing. ‘What is this excitement coursing through my heart?’. Ignoring this thrumming of his heart, pumping quicker and quicker, he pushed through the door of the meeting room. 

A laugh rang through the air. Ayrton halted. His heart calmed but his eyes were darting. ‘That laugh, I know that laugh’. And then his eyes landed on the source of the pleasing sound.  

Lewis was laughing, some dumb joke about Ron Tom had whispered. They were waiting for Ayrton, the driver they have been chosen to serve this year. Lewis was elated, he was meeting his idol. But he couldn’t shake off this feeling, the feeling that had his heart quivering.

He looked up, and there he saw that curious, strong glaze on him. Their eyes met, and Lewis took a quick inhale. ‘Ayrton, he's looking right at me. Why?’ 

Ayrton found the source of his raging emotions, and was struck as they made eye contact. ‘It's those eyes. Those eyes that haven’t left my dreams.'

“Ayrton… Ayrton?” Ayrton’s manager whispered. He jumped out of his thoughts, and made his way closer to the engineers. 

“Hey guys, I am Ayrton Senna. Thank you for being my team this year and I hope we get on well!” Ayrton confidently spoke, but his eyes never left Lewis. He shook every hand in an firm and strong. He had to be a leader for this team, and he needed to be the best possible driver he could to repay them. But despite those thoughts, Ayrton's vision was stuck on the man to the right of him. 'He is stunning.' Ayrton found himself thinking, immediately perplexed at his reaction. 'I have never liked guys? But why am I struck by him?' he questioned, as he shook himself out of his thoughts to continue to greet his mechanics. 

‘His gaze, he hasn’t stopped looking at me since he entered. Does he also feel this connection?’ Lewis thought, mind racing as Ayrton got closer. 

Their hands meeting in a clasp, causing both to suppress a gasp. They felt the spark, the warmth that radiated as they made contact. 

‘I don’t want to let go’ both men discovered, bewildered by these sudden emotions coming over them. 

“Ayrton.” Ayrton said, softer, almost nervous. “Lew.. Lewis Hamilton I mean.” stuttered out Lewis, a blush rising to his cheeks. Ayrton forced himself to move on, but his thoughts were scattered. As Ayrton had to move to leave the room, he turned once more to gaze longingly at the mechanic that had already enraptured him. Their eyes met once more, and that strong rush of adoration filled them. Lewis sighed absentmindedly, and Tom immediately recognised the look of affection on his face. "You look like a man in love, my friend." he said, not noticing the way Lewis immediately froze. Nervously, Lewis stumbled out, "Shut up man", his gaze never leaving the back of the man that was making him feel the dreaded feelings of fondness (love?) that had destroyed him. 

‘Who are you Lewis Hamilton? And why are you moving me in ways I have never felt before?’ Ayrton hummed under his breath as he made his way out of the room. ‘I will see you soon Lewis, and I will find out who you are.’ he affirmed, his curiosity peaked. 

Chapter Text

Present Day

It’s dark outside. Stars shining brightly hiding the darkness that lurked beneath that night, waiting to strike.

*Buzz* *Buzz* Dan’s phone vibrated. Dan blinked seeing that it was 3AM, the vibrations jolting him awake. He turned to see an incoming call. Cautious not to disturb Max who was still sound asleep beside him, he got up to receive the call. 'Who is calling at this hour?' he brooded as he swiped call, unimpressed by the timing. 

“Hello. Is this Daniel Ricciardo?” an unknown speaker asked. 

“Yes, this is Daniel Ricciardo speaking. Who is this?” Dan hesitantly asked. Something wasn’t sitting right in his gut but nothing would have prepared him for the news he was about to hear. 

“You have been listed as Lewis Hamilton’s guardian. I am sorry to inform you sir, but he has passed away. We found his body at the bottom of the cliff, and an eye witness confirmed he had jumped. So we suspect it was suicide. We kindly request if you would be able to come to the hospital to confirm the body as we need your testament as his primary guardian listing.” the voice soothingly informed him. Daniel blinked, the voice so calm as if they hadn’t just told him his best friend was dead. 

Daniel couldn’t hear anything. Everything blurred, sounds going static. 'Lewis is dead. Lewis is dead', replayed in his mind like a broken record. He was frozen his spot, unable to even comprehend what he just heard. 'I saw him yesterday. We watched all the mission impossibles together. He can't have jumped the same night.. I knew I should've stayed with him last night. I knew it!' he bewailed as he realised he could've saved him. 'If only I stayed yesterday. I could've stopped him'.  He slid to his knees with a loud thump, phone tightly clenched in his hands. 

“Sir?” the voice jolted him back. He quickly bit out, “Yes. Sorry I will come now.” His was voice scratchy and rough, as if he had just smoked a pack of cigarettes. The call disconnected and Daniel’s anchor fell away. He couldn't hold back his heart wrenching howls which permeated through the quiet apartment. 

Max ran out, noting that Daniel was not next to him and the gut wrenching cries of his boyfriend. 

“Daniel! Daniel! What's wrong?” Max asked, gathering his boyfriends bent head into his hands. He saw his boyfriend's broken eyes, tears glazing the pain. “Lewis… “ Daniel tried to speak out, but it was like there was a block. He didn’t want to say it out loud, because then.. It was real. 

Max’s eyes widened, “no, no. Please don’t say what I think it is.” Max shivered, as if a cold breeze had entered his body. But instead a coldness began to set into his heart. 

Dan looked at Max, able to retain momentary composure. Eyes dead as he spoke,  “He’s dead Maxie.” Max felt shock run over him like ice water, chilling his mind and heart as he realised his friend was in so much pain that he felt life wasn't even worth it. 

The two best friends simply folded into each other and wept. Wept for their friend, who they could not save. A friend who gave their everything but came out empty handed in the end. All while the stars continued to twinkle deceivingly as the darkness was unleashed into the night, fully covering their hearts.

PRESENT DAY- March 3 months after Lewis’ death 

The world was still rocked to the core, and Max hated that they had to race without Lewis there. He was the reigning World champion, he was meant to be the standard everyone held themselves to. Yet he wasn't there, he would never be there again.

Everyone was wearing a black armband, in honour of Lewis. Max scoffed, ‘All these bastards. They didn’t know Lewis, they didn't even care.’ His resentment and anger was rising as he saw drivers laughing and chatting as usual as they made the way to the grid for the two minute silence. 

Dan noticed the anger rising in his boyfriend, and placed a calming hand on his shoulder. 

“Maxie, you can’t expect them to remain sad. They are allowed to laugh.” he stated, though he couldn't help the lump forming in his throat when he saw Mercedes and with muscle memory automatically looked for Lewis' figure, only to realise he wouldn't be there. 'I can't see him. I will never see him again.' he lamented, feeling himself choke up. He pushed the regret down and looked towards his boyfriend, whose fists were clenched tightly, face furrowed in a dark look. 

“I know but it's so hard. We have lost our best friend, to suicide. Fuck. do they not understand? The pain Lewis must have been through to take this decision. But look, Charlie boy is laughing. He is probably happy, no more competition for Seb.” Max ranted, untempered fury underlining his words. All he could see what people laughing, enjoying when all he could feel was the ache of loneliness and regret. 

“Max. It hurts. It still fucking hurts. But we have got to trust that Lewis is happy up there. As he said in his letter, he felt too much and wanted to rest. We have to let him rest.” said Daniel, sadly shaking his head, moving to hold Max's hand. He felt himself shrugged off and looked over to his boyfriend concerned. Dan saw Max's figure shrinking, head bowed with his eyes cast downwards. He quickly dragged Max into his arms, allowing him to hide in his arms. 

An unexpected tear fell from Max’s eye. He quickly goes to wipe it, but he can’t stop the tears. And before he knew it he was balling into Daniel’s shirt, unable to contain his complex feelings of pain, missing and regret.

Every driver stopped. Max was normally so measured, never did he cry in public. 

“Max is crying.” stated Lando stunned at the sight. “Was he that close to Lewis?” George inquired. “I didn’t realise, but George, Max never cries.” To see their friend cry like that, they finally acknowledged the deep sadness in the recent events, the reason why they were wearing these black armbands today. 

“Why.. why do you think he did it?” Lando asked, sniffling as he soon found himself emotional. “Do you think it was because of Seb cheating? Did the heartbreak destroy him?”

George said nothing. He was in a Mercedes at long last, yet it felt foreign to him. Toto and Bono were both unable to comprehend the loss. From what he heard, Bono had almost quit his role out of his grief of losing his close friend. However, he also knew Toto had managed to convince him to stay, in memory of Lewis. The Mercedes team had lost their leader and George felt the pressure of trying to fulfil that gaping hole in the team.

'I wish you were here Lewis, even your presence was reassuring for everyone in this team,' George sighed as he walked slowly to the gathering point. He often found Toto holding onto a 44 cap, the one they wore when Lewis won the 8th championship. Bono, despite his continued soothing voice, sounded strained, as if he's constantly at risk of crying. The whole team were in regret because they all never saw the signs. He knew Toto and Bono both knew why Lewis did it, having received letters, but he knew better to ask about something so personal. Clutched tightly in his hand was Lewis' personal driving note book. He remembered getting the call from Lewis' dad, who informed him Lewis had left him all his racing notebooks.

Inside he had found one message written to him, 'You are the future star of Mercedes George. And I can't think of anyone better to lead the team after me. I am sorry I won't be able to help you guide the team, but I know you will be able to lead the team. Remember you are a great driver George and to never let anyone tell you otherwise. Self-belief is the crux of your ability as a racing driver. You will go far. Best, Lewis'. That message constantly replayed in his mind, as George let out a sob. He quickly crouched down, hiding his face from the world as he let himself grief for the mentor figure he lost. Lando quickly hugged him, shocked at George's sudden reaction, not knowing the significance Lewis held to him. 

They reached the grid, and the silence took over. Every driver, every mechanic, heads are bowed as they honour the amazing figure they had lost. Someone they lost in the most unexpecting and most heart-breaking manner. 

Only one question on their mind, "Is he happier now?”

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Seb didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to see his photo everywhere. That voice never left his ears. He spotted Roscoe. He was with Toto and Angela, but his ears down and simply laid there, seemingly waiting. At the sight of Roscoe a memory quickly overtook his vision.

“Seb! Look at this dog, I want it.” Lewis said excitedly, cooing at the bulldog that slobbers all over him. That doesn’t matter to Lewis, who happily gathers the puppy into his arms. 

“His name will be Roscoe, and he will be my best friend. Ain’t that right buddy? You will always stay with me right?” Lewis said, chatting happily to his new friend as Seb paid the shop owner. 

“Come on Lew, time to get supplies for your new favourite person.” Seb joked. “He will never replace you Sebby, but he is cuter.” Lewis teased. 

Seb found himself walking towards Roscoe. Roscoe spotted him and perked up, racing towards Seb. 'Despite everything I did to his papa, he still likes me?' Seb wondered in despair as he held onto Roscoe tightly. He felt his self hatred rise up, and began to silently cry, holding onto the trusting pup that he let down. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for doing this to us Roscoe. If I could, I would go back. But I can’t. I couldn’t save him. I’m sorry.” 

Toto and Angela, who momentarily panicked as they see Roscoe run, calm as they see him safe. Anger however followed, as Toto saw the man that broke his friend, holding onto one of the last memories of Lewis. Toto was about to stalk up and take Roscoe away, when Angela stopped him. She simply shook his head, as Toto saw what was happening. Roscoe was the most lively they have seen him in weeks, licking and barking at the currently forlorn Sebastian. 

“He made a mistake, Toto, and will be regretting it for the rest of his life. But remember, Lewis forgave him. If Lewis didn’t blame him, neither should we.” Angela softly reminded him, patting him comfortingly on the arm.  

Toto sighed, his anger subsiding, replaced with the more familiar subdued sadness that had weighed down on him since Lewis’ passing. They left, turning back to the motorhome. Leaving Sebastian to hug tightly onto Roscoe, letting him have a moment of peace with his regret. 

SEB POV

These three months without Lewis had been the hardest of his life. 

He had debated suicide many times. It would give him the chance to see him again. But he knew, he didn’t not deserve something as merciful as death. He would finish what Lewis wanted to accomplish in the world; world peace, sustainability. He had caused the World to lose their beacon of light, and he would try his goddamn best to live his life to fulfil Lewis’ dreams. Seb pioneered several diversity programmes in F1, while continuing Lewis’ previous commitments. He spoke out publicly against moral and social transgressions, no longer holding his voice and avoiding the world. 

‘That will be my payment for life Lew. I will complete your dreams for you. I won’t love any other but you, but please continue to show me the way.’ he whispered, tears streaking down his cheeks as he gently caressed the last picture of Lewis and him. 

He stood at the place Lewis had left them. He came as often as he could, to say a prayer for him and lay fresh flowers at the place his love departed. The moon was bright, illuminating the golden plaque placed in remembrance of his love as he looked out to the sea that laid below. 'Please be happy my love,' he prayed as turned away from the edge, feeling a gentle breeze pass by him almost as if it was reassuring him Lewis was ok. 

Chapter Text

Back to 1992 - Post South African GP

Ayrton trudged back, feet dragging as he felt the tiredness settle into his muscles. ‘Those Williams are quick, how can we match that pace, I couldn’t keep up.’ he sighed. ‘Ron is going to have a great rant today in the meeting.’ He sat in a secluded space in the garage, sipping his coffee taking advantage of a rare quiet moment. Third was decent, but nevertheless not first, he stewed, tapping his fingers absentmindedly against the bench. 

Lewis was exhausted. ‘This is what the guys go through every time I used to race? Fuck, I should’ve given them a pay rise.’ he chuckled to himself, then hit with a wave of sadness that violently washed over him. He remembered the jokes his engineers used to say, thinking of Rob who particularly loved to sing as he packed away the car. ‘I made this decision. And they are better off without me. George will surely be filling my shoes and he is a lot easier to work with than me.’ he reminded himself, ignoring the ache of longing for his past relations. 

A few hours later, work was done and they could finally leave. Each engineer had been grilled hard and was disappointed with the significant pace deficit they held. “We are going to the bar to get some drinks. You coming Lewey?” Tom asked, as they headed out the paddock. 

“Yeah I’m down.” Lewis agreed. 'A drink is definitely needed after such a long day' he thought as he patted his pockets to show his pass to the guard to exit. But as he continued to pat he began to realise a glaring issue. Lewis had left it in his pass in the motorhome. He tilted his head back in frustration, before quickly turning to Tom to say, "Tom go ahead, I left my pass in the garage. I hope they haven’t left yet!”

“You numpty! How are you so forgetful and a mechanic?” Tom shouted back as Lewis ran back to the motorhome. He ran as fast as he could, knowing time was of the essence.  

Ayrton cracked his neck. Ron really wasn’t happy with their disadvantage and he grilled just about everybody he could. Just as Ayrton exited the motorhome, someone slammed straight into him. Air was knocked out of lungs, and he fell to the ground, but not without catching the body falling right on top of him. 

‘Why am I so scattered? I truly am the same person, only I would constantly leave things behind.’ Lewis berated himself distractedly as he sprinted through the motorhome door, not noticing the person in front of him. By the time he realised, he was on the ground, on top of the poor fella he had just tackled. He turned crimson as he felt a strong arm holding him steady and realised his hands were placed on the strangers' firm chest. 'Fuck Lewis, are you that horny that all you think about is their physique after literally body tackling them?' Lewis thought, reprimanding his lewd thoughts. 

Ayrton felt the body clutch onto him. Normally he would be uncomfortable with such close contact with a random person,  yet he felt that same warm feeling taking over. Confused, he looked up to find it was. As he looked up he saw why he felt the sudden rush of emotion. 'It is the mechanic from earlier,’ Ayrton noted, still unknowingly holding on tight to the man above. He quickly got out of his thoughts when he felt Lewis quickly clamber off and help him up. 

‘Oh my god. I am going to die. Fuck please don’t be Ron.’ Lewis panicked when he realised he was still on top of the stranger . He quickly got off Ayrton offering a hand, apologising profusely “I’m so sorry. I really wasn’t looking. Are you hurt? Let me buy you a drink to make up for it?” 

Ayrton, dazzled by the fall, quickly gathered his wits and smirked. 'So our paths are truly entwined,' he realised, as he saw the familiar alluring eyes looking at him apologetically. 

“No harm done. I’ve been through worse.” Ayrton spoke, slowly getting up with assistance from Lewis. It was at this point that Lewis realised who he had just bodied. He quickly gasped in shock, before beginning his tirade. 

“Ayrton.. Oh my god. Ron is going to kill me. I just almost ran over his star driver. Oh fuck!” Lewis rambled, still holding onto Ayrton’s hand. Ayrton simply watched with amusement, tinted with fondness, as he observed the poor mechanic panic while blushing profusely. 'That blush, it's cute on him' he couldn't help but muse. Lewis looked down quickly, noticing their hands still entwined. He quickly let go, ignoring the instant emptiness he felt inside when the comforting hold disappeared.

“Ayrton, I'm so sorry. I wasn’t looking, and was in a rush to get my pass before it disappeared. Please let me buy you a drink or something at the hotel to make up for it?” Lewis offered again, trying to sound a bit more collected despite the feeling of breathlessness that encompassed him.

“Well if you’re offering. Sure.” Ayrton accepted smiling. He wanted to get to know this man which made his heart go haywire. 'This is my chance to understand you Lewis. Why is it that you are different? Who are you to already be affecting me in ways I haven't felt before?' he ruminated, his mind still confused and slightly alarmed at his uncharacteristic behaviour. 

Lewis looked up sharply, catching Ayrton’s eyes. “You will? Sorry I mean perfect. Let me just grab my pass, as we can go together? I mean, you can go before me, you don’t have to wait. You must be exhausted-'' Ayrton quickly grabbed Lewis' hands, and said “Calm down. I will be happy to wait.” “- oh okay. Thank you.” Lewis softly spoke, not trusting his voice to say anymore. 

He rushed off, smiling the whole way. ‘I get to drink with my hero!'. Meanwhile Ayrton pensively looked up to the night sky and asked silently, 'Is he the one you have been showing me O deus?'. 

They walked back in the night. A comfortable but thrumming silence between them. Both waiting for the other to initiate conversation, unsure on how to even begin. 

“I-” “So-” they speak at the same time. Again Lewis finds the dreaded blush return to his cheeks, while Ayrton chuckled. 'Everything about this mechanic is making me smile. Why?' questioned Ayrton, as he quickly glimpsed at a blushing Lewis, illuminated by the bright street lamp as they reached the street. 

“You first.” Ayrton urged, wanting to finally understand the other's intentions. 

“I, well, I wanted to say, um thank you for agreeing to let me make it up to you. And well, being so welcoming. I am a huge fan, and you are not what I expected at all.” Lewis said, before his mind catches up. ‘Fuck why am I always so straightforward?’ 

“Oh, what did you think I'll be like?” Ayrton casually asked, fainting disinterest while looking up so to avoid Lewis' eyes. He knew he couldn't trust his eyes to hide his desperation to know what Lewis' thought about him.

“Well, just someone who wouldn’t willingly go with their mechanic for a drink at 1am.” Lewis pondered, “and I guess, I feel so comfortable around you. Like there isn’t this barrier?” he admitted with slight embarrassment, fiddling with his shirt as anxiety began to drift in. 

Ayrton hummed. “I see." 'I am normally always on my guard. I don’t trust easy. Not with F1, but with you, I can’t help but want to talk to you - To trust you’ Ayrton silently said, not wanting elaborating on his reply. Before he could stop himself, he found himself say, "I feel comfortable with you too." Ayrton couldn't believe he let that out, it was as if his heart couldn't hold it in? 

The atmosphere shifted slightly, becoming increasingly intimate as both men found themselves making these truthful yet surprising admittances. 

Lewis, a bit shocked as the reciprocation of feelings, asked tentatively, “Why me?" He looked at Ayrton, his eyes searching for an answer. ‘My heart is racing again. What is this?’ as he held onto his chest as his heart pounded hard against his ribcage. 

“I want to ask you the same.” Ayrton said, looking directly into Lewis’ eyes, unable to stop looking into those captivating eyes. ‘Those eyes, they will be the death of me.’ Ayrton examined, as they held their gaze. They were unsure on what this bond was, yet both knew this bond felt right. 

Both men stood, unable to take their eyes off the other. Both trying to understand these new feelings emerging, all while the moon shone softly above illuminating their beauty. Lewis felt a familiar rush of affection from Ayrton’s gaze, reminding him of Seb’s loving gaze. And in that moment, the atmosphere of discovery and affection broke as memories of the painful past caused Lewis to avert his eyes. The sudden break of atmosphere slightly startled Ayrton, who quickly reminded himself of reality. 

Ayrton caught Lewis’ gaze again but noted out loud, “Your eyes. Why have they suddenly become so sad?”

Lewis inhaled sharply. He shut his eyes, as his mind filled with the heartbreak of his past life. He felt himself begin to panic. 'These feelings, the hurt, why can’t it leave me?' Lewis bemoaned, unsuccessfully trying to push down the overwhelming reminders of pain that began to stab at his heart. 

Ayrton noticed Lewis’ sudden change of mood. Turning to him, he saw a man broken by life. He saw his pain, how he clenched his fist to stop his shaking. His face screwed in angst, almost as he is reliving the past torment. He quickly walked towards him and before he realised, he had wrapped Lewis tightly in his arms. 

Lewis lost in the oncoming crashing waves battering his mind, felt a release from their unyielding invasion. He felt a sudden warmth and smelt a calming, musky scent that he couldn't quite make out. He felt himself relax slowly into these arms that grounded him, like an anchor to shore stopping his mind from drifting faraway. 

“I’m sorry. I overstepped. Forgive me?” Ayrton whispered, his voice so soft lulling Lewis out of his momentary relapse. Lewis felt his head nod, and continued to relax into the arms that tightened around him. 'I would love to be lost in this feeling forever,' Lewis thought as he calmed. 

In the dark cover of the night, two men stood in each other's arms. Unable to breakaway, but also unable to comprehend this feeling of passion between them. ‘Why does this feel so right?’ is the thought that took over their hearts and minds. 

They end the hug, reluctantly, realising the risk of being found in each other's arms in public. "Fuck man, sorry I didn't mean to get so emotional. The emotions are still fresh I guess." Lewis apologised to break the now uncomfortable silence that had overcome them.

"It's alright." Ayrton said, trying to underplay how much he hadn't wanted to let go. 

They walk back in relatively comfortable silence. Ayrton smiled. ‘So the voice was right.’ he thought, as he watched Lewis a few steps ahead go to the bar to pick them up a couple beers. The hotel lounge was empty, but still wary, Ayrton suggested, “Would you mind if we drink in my room? I am just a bit wary of getting mobbed.” Lewis readily agreed, “of course. Nearly forgot you are a 3 time world champion.” 

As they go up the elevator, Ayrton joked “you wound me. Maybe I need Ron to get me mechanics that feed my ego, rather than insult me.” Lewis, fainting distress, begged, “oh please. I need this job.” Ayrton laughs, whole body shaking with amusement. “As the merciful man I am, I shall let this transgression pass”, he said in a haughty tone, winking at Lewis. The banter flowed effortlessly, and Ayrton had never felt so at ease with another so quickly. 

As he winked, Lewis felt his mind momentarily shut down. “Fuck, no wonder the whole of Brazil is in love with this man.” he realised, unaware he said that out loud. 

“Now that is the kind of ego feeding I want.” Ayrton quipped, laughing again as he saw Lewis looked stumped. “I also read minds in my spare time.” “fuck you man." Lewis mumbled out, as he shoved him playfully, entering his room. Ayrton liked this. The fact Lewis hadn't put him on a pedestal yet, willingly joking with him like a true friend. 

Lewis stopped. “Wow, your room is a massive mate.” Ayrton's eyes immediately crinkled in discomfort. 

“The perks of being a F1 driver.” he stated, tone flat, as he took a seat on the large sofa in the middle of the living area, motioning Lewis to join him. ‘A big room, but empty. Just like how I used to live.’ Lewis thought.

“A big room to yourself. Everything as modern as it can be, but it must feel lonely right?” Lewis asked, trying to ease Ayrton out of the mask that he wears. He wanted to let Ayrton know he could be a person to trust in, to confide in. Lewis knew this connection wasn't temporary, his whole body could feel it.   

Ayrton froze. Most people are in awe at its grandeur. No one ever wants to look beyond that, thinking Ayrton’s life was amazing as he has the money for everything in life. What they don’t see is the inherent loneliness that comes with success. The emptiness and detachment he feels from the world, as the fame continues to barricade his ability to make meaningful connections. Everyone around him; they admire him, they love him. But none looked to understand him, to really understand what it takes to love him. 

Lewis saw Ayrton subtly freeze. ‘I understand you Ayrton. I was you in another life.’ Lewis silently urged, as he waited for Ayrton to respond.

“No one has ever said that to me. No one has asked me about the negatives, the sacrifices this success brings.” Ayrton spoke faintly. “Yet someone, I’ve barely known for two days somehow understands this turmoil I face.” Ayrton looked up, observing Lewis’ reactions, voicing raising filled with confusion.

“Fame and success do not define a person, and I want to be your friend Ayrton. I want to be friends with Ayrton the person, not Ayrton the F1 driver.” said Lewis, firmly stating his intentions, eyes honest. Ayrton reared back a little, as he took in the declaration, unsure on if it would be the right decision to allow someone so new into his life. 'My champion, you have been so lonely for long. Why turn away someone who your heart calls out for?' a sweet voice asked into his mind. 'That guiding voice, it's back.' Ayrton realised in awe, 'I can't let my fated chance go.' He turned to Lewis, face filled with determination. 

"I.. I would like that." Ayrton finally replied, looking back up to see Lewis' beaming smile. As he saw the joy in Lewis' face, he couldn't help but let out a genuine smile in response. He lifted his beer for a toast, "Toast to a new friendship." he stated with finality. "Toast to a new friendship," Lewis affirmed, clinking his bottle with Ayrton's. 

As the two men took in their acceptance of the new friendship they couldn't help but deliberate. 

'Who are you Lewis? Why do I feel so connected to you? As if there is a string that is continually pulling me to you. You have broken my barriers in a matter of moments, but yet I barely know  you.' Ayrton thought, his heart still pumping in fear of letting someone so close. 

Lewis moved closer, taking a sip of his beer. ‘Why am I so vulnerable in front of someone I don’t know, yet feel I’ve known for years.’ he thought, head full of anxiety warning him of his vulnerability.

"Now tell me, how did you get into Mclaren? I have to admit I am curious to hearing your journey." Ayrton asked, eager to start a conversation with his newfound companion, to learn everything he could about this intriguing person. 

They sat close, almost nothing between them as the conversation flowed from one topic to the other. From Lewis' veganism, to Ayrton's belief in organic farming and lack of football passion. The two men found solace with the other as they chatted into the night, unable to break the conversation nor feelings that arose between them. 

From above Fate smiled as she felt the new bond forged.

Chapter Text

Lewis opened his eyes. Dazed by the light seeping through the windows and quickly realised it was already 8am. ‘This isn’t my room, nor my bed.’ he turned his head, and promptly gasped as he saw Ayrton next to him. He quickly checked his clothes, and mentally congratulated himself ‘Ok. good I didn’t sleep with my boss. Good start.’ 

Lewis knew the only course of action was to try to slip out with minimal sound. And promptly failed as he tumbled out of bed at the sound of Ayrton's raspy morning voice. “Going without goodbye?” mumbled Ayrton, who had seemingly just awoken. 

“Yeah sorry man. Didn’t want to disturb you. Sorry for intruding by the way. I didn’t realise I had fallen asleep.” said Lewis, bashfully rubbing his neck looking at Ayrton. 

Ayrton's breath caught. Lewis was an absolute sight. Lips slightly swollen from sleep, and his curls are an incurable mess. And those lovely brown eyes filled with embarrassment. All this served to increase his endearment for him. He gathered Lewis’ brain working at 300 mph, and quickly spoke out, “It was no bother. I didn’t want to wake you up, you were too peaceful. Anyways, I wasn’t going to kick out my favourite engineer at 3am.” 

“I.. how did I fall asleep?”

"I had gone to the bathroom for a short while and before I knew it you had somehow migrated to my bed to sleep. You were deep in sleep so I couldn't bear to kick you out. It was no bother, really." explained Ayrton, who couldn't help but smile as he remembered his surprise at finding Lewis in his bed, sound asleep. 

Lewis smiled gratefully as the reassurance. He quickly got his shoes on and walked towards the door. Calling out, Lewis said, “Thanks again Ayrton! I’ll see you back at the factory. Make sure you rest up before Mexico” and promptly left the room, leaving Ayrton to sigh deeply. ‘It was nice to finally have someone to speak to, but why do I feel so incomplete when he isn’t with me?’ he let his thoughts take over, until his stomach interrupted with a loud growl. ‘But first breakfast’ he happily hummed to himself as he went to the bathroom readying to leave. 

LEWIS POV

He sprinted back to his room shared with Tom. Quickly letting himself in, he slammed the door shut. Hand over his thumping heart. 

“Mate. Did you run all the way from the track or something?” a voice inquired, causing Lewis to jump. He quickly looked at Tom, before promptly taking him into a hug. “Umm, Man I love you too, but uh I need a shirt.” joked Tom, confused at his friend's behaviour but accepting the hug.

Lewis let him go, but all he could think was how grateful he was for such an easy going friend. “Oh where did you go last night? Bump into any girls as you didn’t return last night.” Tom teased as he winked knowingly in Lewis’ direction. 

A lump in his voice formed. ‘Do I tell him? Would he judge me?’ Lewis debated. ‘I need someone to trust, and I feel Tom is that person at least. If I keep this within me I will combust.’ 

Lewis quickly corrected, “uh no girls. I actually bulldozed ayrton when trying to get my pass. And as an apology I bought him a drink in his room. We ended up getting on really well and I fell asleep on his sofa by accident.” omitting the fact he actually had slept in the same bed as the three time world champion. 

Tom looked at his friend in shock, and then let out a startling laugh. “You have reached the elite level of fandom my friend. You became friends with your idol? Good for you. Tell me all about it as we go get some much needed sustenance. I don’t know about you but I love these hotel breakfasts.” he said, wrapping his arm around Lewis’ shoulder as they made their way out to the hallway. 

‘I think.. I think I might be happy here.’ Lewis thought, listening as Tom waxed lyrical about food, his heart filling with fondness for his best friend. 

Ayrton sat in deep thought, picking at his breakfast. ‘I want to see him again. Those eyes and that face. And that smile.’ As he remembered Lewis this morning, a dopey smile adorned his face. ‘And to have him in my arms again.’ But suddenly he jumped out of his thoughts, when he rationalised. “I am having all these thoughts about him, but I thought I was straight?” he whispered to himself. “Thoughts about who?” a voice popped out of nowhere. “No one.” Ayrton quickly told his friend and teammate, Gerhard Berger. “Hmmm I will get it out of you by the next race, watch me.” Gerhard stated as he walked away, leaving Ayrton to his thoughts once more. 

‘Gay or not, I want Lewis by my side for as long as I can.’ Ayrton decided, affirming his strong feelings for his new mechanic. 

Lewis POV

He sat in thought as the plane departed South Africa. ‘I am letting my guard down again. I know that if I allow myself to remain close to Ayrton this feeling won’t disappear. I could feel it, like it was with Seb, I know if I continue my friendship he has the chance to hurt me.’ he lamented, disappointed that he was so lax in his guard. 

But just the simple thought of Ayrton reminded him of his comforting arms, those beautiful eyes. ‘That hug. It felt so right, more so than anyone I have ever been with.’ he pondered, unable to decide what he should do. 

The week after the race weekend provided Lewis with some time to make sense of the new life he had chosen. To say that he missed racing was an understatement but he found being an engineer gave him a whole new challenge. Ron was really going hard on them, and pushing to find every bit of performance to give Ayrton the car he needed to win. Mexico was a tough weekend, the altitude and unreliability of the Honda engine led to a painful weekend for the team. Ayrton and Gerhard both DNFed in the first 15 laps, and he could see how it impacted Ayrton who simply saw Mansell cruise to yet another win. 

The defending world champions faced another crushing blow with the Title challengers proving too strong, for now. Ayrton licked his wounds as he hid away in his driver’s room, not wanting to worsen the atmosphere in the team. He could only pray that Brazil would be better, as from where they stood right now he knew that challenging for the title would be impossible. He sat in his thoughts for another 30 mins, letting his stress and anger slowly seep out before going off for a walk round the paddock. He didn't need to look at the times, he knew Williams were going to win this with their eyes closed.

As he walked out his room and into the garage he saw Lewis sitting by the car, staring intently. He stopped in his path and simply observed the mechanic lost in his thoughts. He watched carefully noting Lewis’ lil ticks, like how he tilted his head every slightly when he was confused; the drumming of his fingers at a constant rhythm. Ayrton couldn’t help but feel that enamoured feeling come back, his heart not able to focus on anyone but Lewis. ‘He is so beautiful,’ he thought, before exclaiming, ‘Again! Why do I keep thinking such inappropriate things about him?’ He quickly marched off, unknown to Lewis who was lost in his state of mind. 

‘This car. We can’t do anything to compete unless we fit in the active suspension. So I need to figure out where the chassis would allow for that flexibility and how this will impact the electricals.’ he rattled off in his head, making a mental checklist for his calculations back in the factory. Lewis loved this new job as it brought him a new level of confidence in his skills. ‘For once in my life, I feel smart.’ he rejoiced as he continued to look at the car’s structure and telemetry. ‘I wonder how Ayrton is.. I need to get this working ASAP to give him the car he deserves,’ he pledged as he got to work. As the two waged on in the battle with Williams, their minds continued to wander, unknowingly letting the other slip into their minds.

- line break-

Ayrton’s two weeks were spent in Brazil. But his mind focussed on one conundrum. Every time he was around Lewis his heart sang like it was in a choir, and he thought that was a genuine platonic feeling. But as he spent more time with his friend, he couldn’t help but find him increasingly attractive. His laugh never failed to send tingles down his spine, his smile was like the sun providing light to his dark days; and he was so beautiful. His face with no blemishes, the perfectly trimmed beard, his lean yet muscular body. Everything served to entice Ayrton and it terrified him. 

A couple nights ago, he had woken up with an unpleasant surprise after dreaming of Lewis and that was when he knew he couldn’t deny his physical attraction to him.  ‘I have never felt this way about another, let alone a man. The reaction he gets out of me, I don’t understand.’ he huffed as he set his chin on his hands, lying down in the sun by his pool in his home in Sao Paulo. He let his gaze softly watching the sunset, hoping it’d provide some answers to his problem. 

“Meu Filho!” an eldery sweet voice called out. Ayrton immediately turned to see his mother walk towards him, carrying his favourite drink, Matte. This was something he dearly missed with travelling round the world. His ma always knew how to cheer him up he as she handed him the drink and began running her fingers through his hair as he laid in her lap. He sighed softly leaning into her soothing touch, as he felt his thoughts run out his mind. “Meu Filho, who has got you thinking so much?” his mother gently asked, looking down knowingly at him. 

“Mãe?” Ayrton asked surprised, unable to understand how she knew he was thinking of Lewis. She let out a pretty laugh, “I am your Mãe, Ayrton, call it mother’s instinct. So are you going to tell me who has you thinking so much?”

Ayrton took a breath, knowing he couldn’t lie to his mother and was desperately in need for her advice. “Mãe, is it ok to like another man?” he quickly let out, his heart finally calming at asking the one question that had gnawed at him for weeks. “Meu Filho, look at me please.” his Ma instructed him. Ayrton obediently looked up, and when he saw his mother’s eyes, all his anxiety disappeared.

He expected hatred, disgust; but all he saw was love and understanding.

“I just want you to be happy, and you haven’t been happy for a long time meu filho. If it is a man that has finally captured your heart, it does not matter. All I want is for him to be your life long partner, someone that will love you unconditionally and be there through all the tough times. You have been lonely for so long, bearing everything yourself. Don’t stop yourself from this joy, because love is love.” she stated resolutely, making sure to let her son know she only wanted his happiness. She looked down at her son who seemed to have frozen in thought. Knowing her son is probably submerging in his overthinking she gently traced his eyebrow with her light touch, rousing him from his drowning thoughts.

“Mãe thank you.” was all he could muster as he felt tears enter his eyes. He looked up at her and felt her place a loving kiss to his forehead. "I love you Ayrton, no matter what." 

He buried his head further into her lap as they both relaxed in the setting sun. ‘My Mãe is right. Lewis makes me happy and I know he is the one. I won’t let my chance of love go.' Ayrton thought, finally sure of his feelings. A weight had been lifted off his shoulders as he embraced love and now felt he could finally fly. He just had to wait to see Lewis again, but this time he was excited to be close to the one who made his heart soar. 

Unknown to the pair, Ayrton’s father had watched and heard the conversation. ‘Who is this man that has finally thawed my son’s heart? Can I trust their intentions? I won’t let anyone hurt my son.’ Milton didn’t mind his son liked men, no what mattered to him was that his son didn’t get hurt. And he didn’t trust another man to treat his son right. 

Ayrton finally resided into his house, feeling refreshed and balanced. ‘Nothing like home’ he thought happily. “Ayrton!” he heard his father call. “Yes o Pai?” he answered, looking to see his father at his study door. “Come, I want to speak to you.” his father said plainly, not revealing why. Ayrton gulped, ‘Did he hear what I told Mãe? Will he be upset?’ all these questions started running round his head as his fear of rejection began to take over. Nethertheless he went inside and sat opposite his father at the grand oak desk.

“Meu Filho, first I want to tell you, I don’t care who you like. Man or woman.” his father plainly stated, with such casualness that Ayrton couldn’t help but look up in surprise. Milton noted the shocked expression on his son, and quickly took his hand comfortingly. With kind, elderly eyes he continued, “Ayrton. Life is never straightforward, and sometimes your happiness lies somewhere you never thought. Love is not defined by a gender, and if this man is making you happy then who am I to get in the way?”

“Pai. I was so scared, that you and ma would not accept me.” Ayrton revealed, “I have been so confused, I have never felt this way about anyone.. Lewis, he makes me smile. He doesn’t care for money, only F1 and yet he always is there for me.” As Ayrton spoke, a smile worked his way into his face, eyes glowing, as he continued to retale, “and Pai, my heart. My heart can’t control itself around him. I look for him everytime I go to race. I didn’t know I could feel this way, pai.” As he ended his confession, he couldn't hide his excitement and joy of finally experiencing true love. 

Milton had never seen Ayrton so enamoured with anyone, no girlfriend he bought home ever caused Ayrton to truly show his feelings so openly. Yet here, Ayrton was finally opening up on his love and he couldn’t help but be thankful to God. ‘You are no longer hiding my son. Thank you o deus for this Lewis. But I still need to make sure he won’t hurt my son.'

“Have you told him Ayrton? Your feelings I mean.” his father asked concerned, as he realised that even though Ayrton might be in love with Lewis, it is highly possible Lewis wasn’t even gay. 

The joy drained out of Ayrton’s face as he too realised the massive hurdle to his perfect love. “I haven’t told him yet Pai. I didn’t know what I was feeling until today. I want to get closer to him first, but I know he has been hurt pai. I don’t want to rush him.” Ayrton admitted, shaking his head as he noted the obvious challenges. His father sensed his son’s sudden disappointment and quickly lifted his head and looked him in his eyes. “If this is the person O deus is telling you is the one, he will be.” he said firmly, sure in his faith in God. 

Ayrton smiled gratefully at his father. ‘He always knows what to say to reassure me.’ He got up slowly, body feeling as light as a feather. Saying good night to his father, Ayrton left determined. ‘I love you Lewis, hopefully I can also be the one for you as I know you are the one for me.’ he thought as he looked back into the glowing moon, which continued to calm his raging emotions. 

IN THE PADDOCK 

Before Lewis could even breath he found himself in Brazil for the third race of the season, his mind buzzing. Those two weeks were spent living breathing in the factory, barely having time to sleep if Tom didn’t drag him home. It was productive, and he had made significant headway in his calculations, but knew they weren’t at the state yet to show them to the head of engineers. ‘I know I am missing some key components, but I’ve got the framework working now.’ he thought, pleased with his insane progress. 

‘I haven’t been able to see Ayrton in so long,’ he found himself sighing as he scanned his pass to enter the paddock on Friday morning. ‘I didn’t even get to comfort him or anything, what kind of friend am I?’ he rebuted himself, not realising that it was his heart that was longing to see the other. 

The sun was high in the sky, signifying a new start. The scenery of Brazil was a sight and racing in Interlagos was always tricky. The twisty middle sector always caught drivers out and in qualifying time was lost if you didn't get the apex nor exit bang on. Lewis realised he really missed racing as he worked with the team to get Ayrton's car ready for practice. The hyper focus it would bring, taking him out of reality almost. 'Something I need right know.' He was desperate to get Ayrton out of his mind. Everytime his mind drifted off, Ayrton would appear in his mind and he couldn't understand why. 'He's my friend and my friend only.' He repeated, trying to force the lie into his mind. He sat with his eyes closed sipping his morning tea, embracing the refreshing cool weather of the early morning. 

Just as he leant back to rest, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to see who had interrupted his morning nap, a bit annoyed in all honesty. But as he saw the man that was causing chaos in his heart.

Friday came about quicker than Ayrton had realised, having reset completely at home. But his mind was dominated by the fact he could finally see Lewis after two tortuous weeks. After gaining his parent’s approval (though they insisted in meeting him first), he felt more energised in life and ready to open himself up to this new world. He had himself on guard for so long, that he didn’t realise the agony he was causing himself. Yet, Lewis was enough for his heart to break out behind the bars and let himself feel free. 

As he walked towards the garage, he scanned the surroundings. ‘There he is.’ he thought excitedly, finally spotting the man of his affections. He saw him deep in his thoughts, holding his usual cup of tea. ‘Brits and their tea’ he chuckled to himself, as he reached the mechanic still unaware of his presence. ‘Here goes nothing,’ Ayrton said, his body thrumming with happiness. He tapped him gently on the shoulder and was gratified by the joyful response of his friend. 

“Ayrton!” Lewis exclaimed, happy to finally see Ayrton after so long. He immediately embraced him, without realising he had just tipped his tea all over himself, while inadvertently now ruining Ayrton’s shirt. Ayrton couldn’t help but burst out laughing, now fully used to Lewis’ clumsiness. “Nice to see you too Lewis.” Ayrton said softly, as he held Lewis in  his arms. As he held him in his arms, he couldn’t help but think ‘I don’t ever tire of this feeling I get when I feel you in my arms, amorzinho. Even if I am now covered in tea.’ 

“ I just ruined your shirt!” he said sheepishly as he looked at the two wet patches covering both of them, cursing his excitement induced clumsiness. “No worries, I will be in my racing suit soon anyways.” said Ayrton flippantly, not bothered at all. Lewis felt relief flood him and quickly turned to Ayrton to ask, “you must tell me all about your two week break. Oh! I think I am making a breakthrough with active suspension, but I need your input in terms of your driving style and adaptability.” 

Immediately the pair entered into work mode, both intensely discussing the plan for the car and ts weakness as they sat by the car evaluating it. Ron entered the garage, shocked to see Ayrton listening so closely to his mechanic. But as he observed a while longer, he sensed a calm, strong presence returning to the garage. ‘This mechanic is helping bring out the best of Ayrton’s leadership,’ he noted, as Ayrton was in throws of explaining all his knowledge to the group of engineers who subsequently noted it to add into their equations. ‘Life has returned to this garage with toxicity no longer prevailing. This mechanic seems to have gotten Ayrton out of his funk.’ concluded Ron, now inspired by seeing the hard work of his team. 

The days flew by, and soon it was Sunday. The team knew they weren’t going to be competitive here, yet the practices provided vital for the team to evaluate key metrics they need to develop the car further. Ayrton and Gerhard had been instrumental in helping them understand the drawbacks, and willingly listened to the advice of the mechanics. Lewis had Ayrton try different lines to see where the time was being lost, and if there was any line that would provide a quicker exit and cornering speed. ‘I am literally Bono in this life.’ Lewis thought wistfully as the team wrapped up the car ready for the race. ‘I hope this race goes well today.’ he prayed. 

Unfortunately, it didn’t. Both cars retired early on, with engine issues for Ayrton and electrical issues for Berger. ‘This can’t keep happening!’ Ayrton seethed, but as he saw the pain across his team, he knew he couldn’t be mad at them. ‘They are trying their best, they brought whole new specs to try gain some competitiveness for me.’ he rationalised, realising that everyone had been working flat out to find performance. An idea struck. 

“Pai!” he called to his father as he returned to the paddock, with the car on the way to the garage. His father smiled tightly, also annoyed at the misfortune his son was facing with the team this year. “I need you to buy a crate of my favourite beer. I want to cheer up my team.” he asked eagerly, determined to provide uplifting morale and comfort to his downbeat team. 

His father looked at him proudly. ‘My son is truly now become a team leader.’

“Of course my son, I’ll get it sent to the paddock after I call Samuel,” he replied in agreement, the team needed a boost and that was what a good beer did indeed. “Thanks Pai.” As Ayrton left to go to the team, his father called out;

“Son.”

 “Yes Pai?” 

“Take me with you to the garage.” his father demanded. 

“Why?” Ayrton asked momentarily confused, before covering his face in his hand. As he shook his head he asked in a quiet tone, “You want to meet Lewis don’t you?”

His father let out a hearty chuckle in response, confirming his reasoning. Milton simply took joy in his son’s embarrassment, seeing him slowly turn beet red. 

“I want to make sure my son that Lewis will be a reliable and trustworthy partner for you.” he said seriously, leading his son to the garage.  Ayrton would be very grateful to God  for providing him a family that cared so much, but all he could feel was pure embarrassment. “Pai, please be discrete and don’t tell Lewis a thing.” begged Ayrton, knowing if his father said anything it may ruin everything before it started. 

“Of course mi filho, I won’t mention anything about your crush.” his father replied teasingly. Ayrton groaned in response, his heart rate picking up at the anxiety of his dad meeting his crush.

They reached the garage, the car yet to be delivered back. As soon as Ayrton looked around, Lewis popped into his eyeline, holding two cups of coffee.

 “I’m sorry man.” let out a dejected Lewis, handing a coffee (one milk no sugar) to Ayrton. Ayrton absentmindedly took a sip, forgetting about his prior embarrassment to refocus on the task at hand. “It is ok. These things happen, you can’t predict it.” Ayrton explained, trying to soothe lewis’ disappointment. 

“No. It is our responsibility as a team to give you a more reliable car, and I won’t let this season go to waste.” declared Lewis, his eyes blazing with determination. Ayrton felt himself take a quick breath, slightly mesmerised by the sudden intensity that encompassed Lewis. His aura, it was so powerful and affected him in ways he couldn’t explain. 

“I trust you and the team. I know you will do best by me.” insisted Ayrton, softly smiling at Lewis, who smiled brightly back. 

“Anyways, what took you so long to come back? We thought you had got mobbed.” asked Lewis, making a cheeky dig at Ayrton’s fame. 

“Yeah mate we had a running bet on if you had got kidnapped or mobbed by fangirls.” yelled Tom from the back of the garage. 

Ayrton laughed out loudly, explaining still while chuckling, “no I brought my father. Guys this is Milton Senna,” he said, introducing the team to his father. The team came round to say hi and shake his hand, with Tom cheekily saying “Thanks for making our driver.” Ayrton noticed his father’s gaze was fixated on one person; Lewis. 

Finally Lewis came up to say hi to Milton, “It is a pleasure to meet you Mr Senna. You have raised a great man in Ayrton and I swear to you that I will do my best to give him the car he deserves,” he said, firmly shaking Milton’s hand and eye contact steady. Milton’s grip was just as firm as he responded, “Thank you for your reassurance. I am happy to meet you too, especially as Ayrton has mentioned you so often.” 

Milton purposefully threw in that line to gauge Lewis’ expression; ‘Will he be surprised, flustered? If he is shocked i'll take that as he doesn’t know my son’s deep feelings for him. If he does, then would that mean he is just playing with him?’ 

Milton waited to see Lewis’ response, and noticed how a blush had quickly covered Lewis’ cheeks as he looked towards Ayrton who looked back, just as sheepish. He felt the other let go of his hand slowly, before speaking, “I was unaware. I didn’t think I’d be that important to mention to you guys.” stuttered out Lewis, unable to calm these swirling feelings inside him. His mind was a bullet train, trying to get to a quick reasoning to why Ayrton would mention him? ‘I’m just a mere mechanic and friend, surely I am not that important enough to him to talk about to his family.’

‘He doesn’t have a clue,’ concluded Milton, still observing Lewis’ flustered form.‘He has no idea that my son loves him. But does he love him back?’ So Milton decided to ask another question to test Lewis’ feelings. 

“Well of course. My son normally keeps to himself yet in you he has found a good friend. He told me about the time you spend together, and how you are there to comfort him after a bad race. No other mechanic has bothered to try befriend my son, so why have you?” blunted asked Milton, wanting to be firm with his intentions to assess Lewis. 

Lewis’ nerves immediately calmed as he knew why. His heart told him to and he was following. 

“Not to sound too vague Sir, but I guess it just happened? I accidentally bumped into Ayrton and I immediately felt this connection, this comfort with him that just told me that we would be good friends.” He took a breath, before continuing with sureness. 

 “I assure you Sir, I treasure Ayrton as a friend as much as he does me and I can truly be myself around him. I want to continue to be a good friend to him and be his support in this circus of a world in F1. I became his friend because it felt right, not due to any nefarious reasoning.” he stated with finality, trying to be as honest as he could, his eyes transparent to his intentions, as he felt Ayrton’s father continue to look at him.

‘It truly is a god given connection. Ayrton told me the exact same explanation, and there is no doubt that though Lewis is not clear on his direct feelings for my son, I place my bet that he likes Aryton too.’ thought Milton, as he saw Lewis nervously waiting for his reply.

He had taken in Lewis’ reactions. As a more older gentleman, he was wise to how people behave and knew how to read them. He saw how Lewis’ eyes flitted towards Ayrton constantly. Every so often their eyes would meet, and Milton would see the same look he would give his wife to overtake Lewis’ vision. Just like he was observing now, as he caught Lewis staring at Ayrton who had just returned to the garage. His eyes filled with adoration for his son, something so pure that he couldn’t deny that this man would love his son with his heart. With that he was satisfied. ‘He truly cares about him and I can be assured he does have feelings for my son, but that is for him to figure out.’ he pondered, while walking towards his son after saying goodbye to Lewis. 

“Pai?” Ayrton asked quietly, but Milton could hear the desperation in his voice. “I approve my mi filho.” he said simply, giving Ayrton a quick clap on the back, “I will be leaving now mi filho, I will see you at home no?”. Ayrton couldn’t stop smiling, his heart elated to have gotten the final approval of his father. “Yes of course. I will see you for dinner.” 

Lewis meanwhile, remained rooted in the place where Milton had left him. ‘Why did that feel like an interrogation?’ rubbing his hands with his thumbs to try comfort the worries that began to take over his heart. ‘Did he like me? Does he think I should stay away from Ayrton?’ all these questions began to barricade his mind. Ayrton could see the nerves and anxiety drawn across Lewis’ face as he went towards him. 

“Lewis? Did my father terrify you that much?” he tried to joke, but couldn’t hide his own fear. ‘Did pai scare him away from me?’ he couldn’t help but think. “Did you father like me?” Lewis suddenly asked, not able to hold in the question. “I just felt, he didn’t like me.” he admitted, in a subdued whisper, eyes now looking downcast as Lewis let his demon’s play with his mind. 

“Amigo, he loved you. He told me he is so happy that I have a friend like you to rely on. I am sorry he came across harshly, he was just concerned.” said Ayrton, trying to calm any concerns his love had. “He did?” spoke up Lewis, voice still quiet but regaining its strength. Lewis lifted his head to meet Ayrton’s eyes, and saw his honest eyes glowing tinted with happiness. 

“He did.” strongly acclaimed Ayrton. “Ok thank you. Sorry, I don’t know what came over me. Well c’mon let’s go we got work to do Mister.” said Lewis, trying to shake off these weird emotions. He couldn’t understand why it mattered so much to him that Ayrton’s father liked him but more importantly; why it made him so scared that his disapproval would mean he was torn away from Ayrton?

The two left for the engineering meeting, banter flowing easily as Tom joined them to fill them in on some gossip he heard about Ferrari. But Lewis head was stuck in the past, ‘Why am I so scared about losing Ayrton? I need time and space, I am becoming too attached to Ayrton.’ he concluded, determined to not give into these feelings that were continuing to grow in his heart. He needed to prevent them from blossoming before it suffocated him with its roots. 

Chapter Text

Later that Night after the Brazilian GP

Lewis was exhausted, both mentally and physically; with the constant underperformance of the car coupled with the intensity of emotional turmoil he was feeling. He couldn't understand how he was letting himself feel so attached to Ayrton, and he knew that if he let him in, he'd just get hurt again. "I am only a mechanic and he is not gay. Even if he was, it is 1992, he would never risk his career to be with me," muttered Lewis morosely hiding his face behind his hands, not able to see any positive outlook on his heart's wants. All he could feel was the pessimistic cloud that covered his mind which reminded him of the shame of being hidden away with Nico, his inability to tell the World about Seb. No the past had already taught him that it was a risk not worth taking. 

He laid back heavily, body grateful for the comfort of the soft mattress beneath him. Lewis sighed as he took in the empty room, Tom having gone out with the rest of the crew to enjoy Sao Paulo, 'and pick up girls', using Tom's words. He was invited, but with today he knew he couldn't bare to put a fake face. 

Unbeknown to him, Ayrton was standing right outside his door, readying himself to knock. Ayrton had seen that the crew had gone out and noted Lewis wasn't with them. He had stopped Tom to ask, who had simply replied, 'Lewis wasn't up for it tonight.' He knew his friend was going through something, and he wanted to cheer him up.

Lewis had looked off all evening, especially after meeting his father, and Ayrton couldn't help but feel guilty for the state he was in. 'My father triggered something in Lewis, but I don't know what,' he reminisced, as he noted Lewis' avoiding gaze all afternoon and then rushing out of the meeting before Ayrton could even catch him.

'Foder. I think he must be avoiding me,' Ayrton concluded after two unsuccessful attempts of trying to talk to Lewis. Now he stood outside his door, determined to set things right. He knocked softly, unsure on if Lewis would be asleep or not. 

Lewis noted there was a knocking at his door, but his body was too lethargic to even move. Ayrton waited for a couple minutes, feeling his heart sink a little as he realised perhaps Lewis was asleep. Lewis rolled back over, trying to ignore the knocking, yet something in his mind wouldn't let him. He sighed, 'Nothing is going my way,' he thought, as he moved to answer the door. 

Ayrton was about to turn away, when his ears pricked up to hear shuffling inside the room and he quickly turned back, trying to smooth over his excited facial expressions. As Lewis opened his door, he gasped as he saw Ayrton smiling behind it. "Hi," said Ayrton, still smiling. "Ayrton? Why are you here? Shouldn't you be with family?" immediately questioned Lewis. He couldn't understand why Ayrton would give up time with his family to be here? 

"I noticed you were quite off today, and I saw you weren't with the rest of the engineers. So I wanted to take you out." he said firmly, not ready to take no for an answer. He had the perfect plan to get Lewis' mind off whatever was keeping him down. "Ayrton, I really can't. I'm too tired." tried Lewis, about to turn back inside when Ayrton pushed himself past him.

"Ayrton!" Lewis began slightly angered by his boldness, but was cut off. "No. I will not let you sit in your sadness. You are coming with me or I will sit here all night till you do," bargained Ayrton, staring Lewis down with a stare that said 'I am not backing down'.

"Ayrton," tried Lewis again, but as he looked into Ayrton's eyes he found his resolve fading fast. "I.." he tried to say no, but it was like his mouth wouldn't even form the word. He saw the care in Ayrton's eyes, the eagerness to help him. 'How can I refuse such a kind hearted offer? He is sacrificing his personal time to try make me happy, how can I be angry at that?' he finally admitted, his mind now made up. Lewis knew that this would be a mistake but for now he was going to throw himself into this tango and let himself suffer the consequences. 

He took a deep breath and replied with a soft smile. "Let's go. Just let me get my shoes and key," he conceded finally, which had felt like an eternity to Ayrton. Ayrton had tracked Lewis' face and to see the smile making his way to his face for the first time this afternoon felt like he had won a race. "Vamos!" exclaimed Ayrton, causing Lewis to chuckle at his excitement. Ayrton quickly dragged them out the hotel to the taxi awaiting and said, "Vila Madalena, por favour." 

Lewis looked at a beaming Ayrton who was bouncing on his legs, and couldn't stop a matching beaming smile rise to his face. Worries forgotten, he could only bathe in Ayrton's radiant energy. Lewis let his eyes focus on the new World being exposed to him, letting the tropical air comb through his air as he looked out the window. 

"We are here," he heard Ayrton say, but his mind was elsewhere. 'It is amazing,' he thought in awe, as they got out the car to see streets filled to the brim with bars and sounds of joyous voices everywhere. "Come, I've got to take you somewhere." Ayrton urged, as he quickly took Lewis' hand to lead him to the mysterious spot. "Ayrton! Slow down!" said Lewis, trying to catch his breath. Then he saw it, a whole street filled with people dancing, enjoying life in the moment.

"Vamos dançar!" Ayrton screamed, taking Lewis arms with his as they joined the congregation of people. Lewis let himself get dragged into the crowd of people, and felt the music take control. He moved his body instinctually to the beat, letting his worries, tension seep out as he just let himself be in the moment. Ayrton watched as Lewis let himself bask in the freedom. The affection he held for his love continued to bloom as he watched Lewis throw him a bright smile as they lost themselves to the moment. 

Lewis felt free, light, just something about the night raised his spirits. He hadn't let himself enjoy a night out in so long, not since his past life. And with Ayrton, it had felt all the more special. As they walked back to the hotel from the taxi stand, a rare silence had overcome the pair. Both now settling into the depth of the night, as they realised reality will come for them in a few hours. 

"Ayrton?" asked Lewis, turning Ayrton's attention towards him. They had almost reached their respective rooms when Lewis spoke up. 

"Yes?" answered Ayrton, looking curiously at his friend. 

"Thank you, for tonight and just everything." said Lewis in a timid voice, turning to look at Ayrton. "I haven't been able to feel this free in a long time, I almost forgot what it was like to have fun I think." he tried to joke, yet revealing the unfortunate darkness that had prevailed over him for so long. 

"It was my pleasure." replied Ayrton. Both men stood outside Lewis' door, both unable to break away from each other's company just yet. As their gaze continued, the two men felt the familiar feeling of passion overtake their minds and body. They both wanted to make a move, but neither had the courage yet. In a quick moment, Lewis gave into his heart and gave a quick hug to Ayrton, before running inside with a faint goodnight. 

Ayrton stood outside, smiling dumbly. 'This is enough,' Ayrton rationalised, 'it's enough for now, to see him smile.' He left, whistling joyfully, unable to contain his high from the night. Meanwhile, Lewis had his back against the door, unable to feel anything but his beating heart, pounding in joy. 'Why do you make me feel like this?' lamented Lewis, not wanting to feel this happiness as the demons began to awaken yet again.

Spain 1992 

The two weeks were crucial for Lewis, as he came back with a renewed effort to avoid making the same mistakes he did in the past. 'I will make sure to not let Ayrton be more than a friend, I shouldn't risk such a true friendship over transitory feelings.' Moreover, he spent those two weeks avoiding Ayrton in the factory, trying to play it off as he was too busy when in reality he was avoiding him as much as he was busy. 

"FILHO DA PUTA!" Ayrton screamed, rage and anger directed at himself. Like a rookie he had spun off while under pressure from Alessi, scoring no points yet again. It was bad enough the previous week his car broke down at his home race, but to make this mistake hurt his pride. 

Ayrton continued to vent, pacing his hotel room, fists clenched tightly. 'Those William's, even the Benetton, I can't compete with my car, yet now I'm making these mistakes? I can't be doing this.' He laid down, arm covering his eyes as he tried to calm his thoughts. Body language conveying his disappointment in himself. 

*knock* *knock* 

Ayrton lifted his arm and looked towards the door. 'Who could be coming now? God I hope it isn't Ron again.' He debated as he shuffled to open his door. A smile drew to his face as he caught a glimpse of the person behind. 

"Lewis." Ayrton spoke, almost in relief to see his close friend standing in the doorway. 'I know you have been avoiding me amorzinho, but yet you always come to me when I need you.'

Lewis rubbed the back of his neck, shy under Ayrton's intense gaze. "I thought you could use some cheering up, so I bought a few movies that you might like. A good movie always makes me feel better. That and a few beers, which I also bought." Lewis explained hesitantly, unsure on if he was overstepping any boundaries.

Ayrton was struck by Lewis' thoughtfulness and grateful for his courage to comfort him. Most mechanics simply patted his back and left him to lick his wounds himself. Yet now Ayrton had someone who thought of him and his feelings, which warmed his heart. As Lewis explained the movie choices, bumbling about the TV setting everything up, Ayrton let himself relax into Lewis' comforting presence. 

Lewis noted Ayrton's silence and said, " You know, it's okay to have a bad race." Lewis turned to Ayrton, who seemed to still at those words. Lewis, taking a deep breath, lifted his eyes to meet Ayrton's.

With their eyes locked, Lewis continued, "Ron expects our best all the time, but sometimes no matter what we can't always be our best. There are days that go perfect and days that go shit. But the days you do badly or make a mistake, are the days with the most opportunity and growth. You only grow stronger from mistakes, if you allow yourself to learn from them. So, don't beat yourself up and don't let a single mistake throw you off." As he finished his speech, Lewis found himself yet again in those increasingly familiar arms.

He felt Ayrton tighten his arms around him, and let him use his body as an anchor. Lewis let Ayrton find comfort in his arms. Despite the anxiety that began to nag him as he felt his heart getting fonder and fonder of the Portuguese driver, whose body seemed to fit perfectly against his. 

"Thank you." Lewis heard, almost missing the soft Portuguese voice who had broken through his thoughts. "Thank you for being there when no one has." 

Lewis felt his heart clench. He understood this loneliness and isolation, and he knew he could be the one that Ayrton needed, even if it meant he was playing in dangerous territory with his heart. 

Ayrton released him after a few moments, and despite the suddenness of the hug, no awkward tension remained. "Come. Show me what films you picked. Better not be Disney" Ayrton demanded, moving the situation back to the friendly familiar atmosphere before. 

As the movie played, Ayrton felt Lewis accidentally shift closer. 'You make me feel at ease and my heart sings when you are close. I want to just have you in my arms again, yet I know I cannot be so reckless to lose my only friend' thought Ayrton, as tried to stop himself from taking the other into his arms. 

The movie played on with a comfortable silence settling between them. Lewis yawned with the tiredness of the weekend starting to hit him. He quickly glimpsed to his left to check on Ayrton. The sight he saw made his heart flutter and eyes soften. Ayrton had dozed off, his face fully relaxed in slumber. ‘I best let him be.’ thought Lewis, his body slowly leaving the bed as he made his way to the door. ‘He is even beautiful in his sleep.’ his mind dreamily provided him. Lewis quickly shook his head, as if trying to shake that thought out of his head. ‘No. I will not pursue anything with Ayrton. I can’t….I can’t make myself so vulnerable anymore.’ affirmed Lewis, as he left the room and the man that was relentlessly burrowing a hole into his heart. 

San Marino 1992 

'What a beautiful track' Lewis hummed as he went on a track run. He felt his feet pounding against the asphalt as he continued to push himself up the incline. Sweat pouring down his body, Lewis pushed his body further. He needed this run to distract himself from the fact he was letting Ayrton into his heart. Despite the two week break, Lewis’ feelings for Ayrton had yet to disappear, the distance having only made Lewis miss the other more than he should. 

He reached the start finish straight, and quickly stripped himself of sweat drenched shirt. 'It's 6am on a Thursday, surely no one will see this.' He thought cheekily as he poured some cold water down his back. However, Lewis was caught unawares. There was someone watching.

Ayrton knew he needed to improve his physicality (which was really only an excuse) so had hoped to catch Lewis for a one-on-one workout. With the time spent with Lewis, Ayrton had become intimately aware of his fellow mechanics routine, and knew this would be the best time to be able to spend quality alone time with him. The thought brought a smile to his face, his mind and body finally relaxing at the thought of having someone to trust nearby him. 

As Ayrton reached the circuit, he saw Lewis slowing from his run. Just as he was about to call out his name, he watched frozen as Lewis took off his shirt. ‘Now this is not what I was expecting to see.’ he pondered, blushing as Lewis’ revealed his very toned body. Ayrton felt his mouth go dry as he tracked Lewis’ fine body and could only watch helplessly as the water poured down each crevice, outlining the defined muscle. Ayrton couldn’t move, his eyes stuck on the luscious sight in front of him. ‘Foder.’ he murmured, as he felt his body react to this sight. Ayrton shifted uncomfortably on his feet, unsure on what he should do. 

Taking a deep breath, he gathered his courage and called out, “Lewis!”.

Lewis, revelling in the cooling sensation of the water, jumped. He immediately turned to see Ayrton staring right at him. Noting his state of undress, a blush quickly began to take over as he realised Ayrton just saw him pour water on his body like he was in a swimsuit advertisement.

Ayrton sensed Lewis’ discomfort and quickly gave him his spare jumper, coughing awkwardly averting his eyes. “Thank you. Sorry I didn’t realise you would be here so early.” apologised Lewis, feeling awkward that Ayrton Senna just saw him shirtless. 

“Well I thought I’d join you for a workout, and clearly you know the best practices.” Ayrton teased, trying to ease Lewis’ tension. “So where do we start?” 

The awkward encounter was seemingly forgotten as Lewis passionately took Ayrton through a workout regime. But Ayrton’s mind was still fixated on the vision of Lewis. ‘I want him. But how can I risk this friendship? Not yet, just not yet’ he lamented as he quickly glimpsed at Lewis who was stretching beside him. Ayrton tried to suppress his much deeper feelings he held for the man close to him. 'Just a little longer,' he told himself, as the two began their workout. 

The sun continued to rise into the sky, and its rays illuminated the two individuals whose hearts were increasingly becoming entwined. 

-Line break-

Michael Schumacher was a hard worker, and in his rookie season he consciously made the effort to arrive early to bond and learn from his guys. He had been doing this routine all season, and had yet to encounter another driver this early on the track.. As he strolled into the paddock however, he heard rambunctious laughter coming from the trackside. Curious, Michael made his way towards the circuit. ‘Who will be here at this time?’ he pondered, unused to the company at the normally empty circuit. 

Nothing would have prepared Michael for what he was about to see. He watched rooted in his spot, as a shirtless Ayrton Senna sprayed water all over his mechanic, a person Michael had only caught a glimpse of once before. Michael was enthralled in being able to witness a truly carefree Ayrton, having only ever seen Ayrton the F1 driver. From what he understood in the paddock, Ayrton rarely made friends, but here he was laughing with his mechanic which definitely seemed closer than an acquaintance. However, what really peaked Michael’s interest was the beauty of the mechanic in front of him. Lewis’ soft light brown ringlets bounced as he ran away from his attacker with his face adorned with a wide smile that beamed, matching the sunlight's rays. Michael’s heart skipped a beat as he watched Lewis. 

“Michael?”. The sudden arrival of a new voice broke him out of his reverie, and Michael turned to his Benetton mechanic. Michael looked back at the Mclaren pair, who had yet to acknowledge the arrival of more persons into the circuit. As he left the track, his mind was stuck on Lewis. 

Chapter Text

Factory weeks 

The intensity of seeing Ayrton during the week of the San Marino GP caused his feelings for the other to intensify. This put him on edge as he hated the way Ayrton was making him feel, and that he was so lonely that his heart took any person being vaguely close to him as being loved. 

‘Ayrton doesn’t even like me. Why would he? He is a 3 time world champion, and I’m just a mechanic, how can I even think I am in his league. Moreover, he definitely is straight. In my past life he had a long term girlfriend.’ he berated himself, as he made his way to the factory doors. Lewis was so lost in his own head, he failed to register the calm Brazilian voice calling his name.

“Lewis! Lewis!” Ayrton called out, his heart already lifted when spotting his friend (and crush.) Ayrton’s mind had been filled with Lewis and Lewis only. Even F1 couldn’t compete with his affections. That night after Spain had only affirmed that Lewis was the person he was in love with and he was finding it increasingly hard to hide his feelings. ‘I need to confess, I can’t let this opportunity slip.’ he chanted, trying to find the courage to make his move. Ayrton had debated all weekend on the best way to reveal his feelings to his mechanic, but there was one glaring problem. ‘Is he even gay?’ Ayrton suddenly noted, standing still as he realised his misjudgement. 

‘Who do I talk to if I want to know his preferences?’ pondered Ayrton, his plans now on hold. ‘Tom. He would know.’ As he quickly left the hall, Lewis walked in. Ayrton continued to look round until he found the person in question. Checking for anyone else around, he luckily found Tom alone in the garage. 

“Tom.” Ayrton said, making his way to his other mechanic. “I have a question for you.”

Tom was perplexed and worried. “I mean, we are trying all we can with the car Ayrton. Don’t worry, we will try our best to get it into a better window.” blurted out Tom, trying to defend himself before an expected onslaught of criticism. Ayrton simply laughed and patted Tom on his shoulders, Tom immediately relaxing at the friendly gesture. “no , no. I don’t want to ask about that. You guys are doing your best and I trust you.” Ayrton reassured, “I wanted to ask about Lewis.” 

Tom was suspicious, he knew they had gotten close, but why would Ayrton be so curious about his friend. “What about him?” he asked defensively, eyes now squared on to Ayrton. Ayrton felt suddenly intimidated by the glare and defensive confidence exuded, but his heart softened, ‘I’m glad Lewis has a friend that is so protective of him’. “I wanted to ask, does Lewis have anyone, a girlfriend… or boyfriend?” he asked casually, not sure if he was giving away his intentions. He watched anxiously, waiting for the other’s reply. Tom was silent for a few seconds, almost as if he was debating whether to tell Ayrton or not. 

“Lewis hasn’t dated for a while, his last boyfriend was a good year or so ago,” he finally said. Tom was smart and he knew from the looks Ayrton gave Lewis that the F1 driver was smitten with his best friend. He watched as Ayrton’s stiff body subconsciously loosened, indicating his relief at the confirmation that Lewis was indeed interested in men. Just as Ayrton was about to thank him, Tom interrupted him. 

“I see how you look at him. And I want to know, why are you pursuing him? For a one night stand? As why would a World champion want to be with a mechanic.” Tom harshly said, purposely insulting Ayrton’s intentions so he could find out the truth. ‘If he truly loves Lewis, he would deny these allegations.’ he rationalised. 

And as he predicted, Ayrton did just that. “I love him. I am in love with him. Ever since I met him in South Africa, all I can think of is Lewis. Your friend is my world and he has been the only person who has tried to be a friend to me. I know it seems too soon to be in love, but believe me Tom. Lewis is the one I love” The confession and passion in which Ayrton confessed his feelings, his eyes ablaze with love and admiration at the mention of Lewis. That was all Tom needed to confirm that Ayrton wasn't messing around. Tom nodded, internally elated that his friend had finally found someone whose feelings were sincere and deep. 

“Ok.” Tom said, lifting his gaze to meet Ayrton’s again. “You will cherish him and treat him with respect. If not, I will whoop your arse, even if you are my boss.” Ayrton knew without a doubt that Tom would follow through with this threat. Ayrton reached out, taking Tom’s hand in his. “I promise, I will.” Ayrton sincerely promised, shaking Tom’s hand as a sign of faith. 

Meanwhile, Lewis was chatting to other engineers. He had been trying to understand the drawback of the MP4/7A. “That Williams car just has more reliability with the renault engine, but also traction control. We are developing it as quick as we can,  but earliest we can install the system is at the Hungarian grand prix.” the lead designer explained to Lewis. 

‘Traction control as well as a fully active suspension. Very great advantages, and two chassis components we don’t have ready yet.’ reflected Lewis. ‘Plus they have really improved their reliability this season. From what I remember the MP4/7A didn’t have the active suspension system due to reliability issues. But I should try and get it working for Mclaren, I don’t have a degree and masters in mechanical engineering from Cambridge for nothing.’ 

“Our active suspension system. Can I have a look at the data? That is the clear advantage they have and if we can harness that for our car, it will be championship changing.” said Lewis, determined to get this function working for Mclaren. After 3 DNFS he knew they needed to get the car faster at least, and this was the only way he could see in helping close the gap to Williams. The Active suspension system provided the FW14B much more stability and downforce during the cornering, allowing for the drivers to carry much greater speed round. 

The lead engineer looked curiously at him, and said “do you think you can help us to get it to work? We have tried and just simply couldn’t find the right balance.” Determined, Lewis affirmed, “I will do all I can before the Canadian GP to get it working. You have my word.” He knew how hard his guys worked back at Mercedes, and by god was he going to do the same for Mclaren. 

Ayrton was floating around the factory, trying to find Lewis. But he stopped as soon as he heard Ron’s voice, “Lewis what are you doing with the engineers?”. “I am trying to help get the active suspension system running Sir.” “But that isn’t your job.” Ron demanded. “Ron, this kid. He is amazing. He has already found three ways of getting round our first stumbling block. He is what we needed, a fresh perspective. He is like that young electrical engineer at Williams, Paddy Lowe!” the head engineer praised, busying himself with further calculations and shouting orders to his engineers to add this to the prototype.  

Ron was perplexed, “Lewis? Care to explain.” 

“Well I studied at Cambridge, and the way they taught the mechanical concepts, I guess have been updated since?” Lewis tried to explain. Neil Oatley cut in, saving Lewis from further interrogation, “Exactly. Lewis knows new methods of engineering that we didn’t have a chance to learn back at university. Now leave us be Ron, we need to focus.” Ron was pleasantly surprised to see the revival of his engineering head, who had been downcast in his inability to get round this problem. 

All while this continued, Ayrton could only watch in pride. The way Lewis was so willing to help and go above and beyond for the team further served to endear him to Ayrton. He was sure now Lewis was the one that the voice had told him about. He watched from the doorway as the engineers were once again lively in their work. ‘All because you brought him here.’ he thought, staring upwards at the forces above. He quickly left, knowing he wouldn’t be able to get to see Lewis today and invigorated by the fight of the team. ‘They are trying the hardest for me, so let me try my hardest for them.’ he thought, making his way to see his race engineer to discuss improvements. 

Fate smiled down, sun coming through the clouds to illuminate her chosen ones. 

_________________________________________________________________________

The week at the factory has flown past, with Lewis essentially being integrated into trackside engineering. He was thriving, finding new small upgrades that could be added and early work from the wind tunnel was indicating good results. ‘Only problem is the reliability.’ he huffed, as he shuffled downstairs towards the exit. It was a Friday night yet he was only leaving now. 

As Lewis left the factory, he noticed a car already outside waiting for him. A 3.2 litre Porsche 911 Carrera Cabriolet to be exact. There was only one person Lewis knew who could afford that. ‘He waited all this time?’ mused Lewis, as he made his way slowly to the car. As he got closer he could see Ayrton leaning idly against the car. 

Ayrton had waited the whole day in hopes to be able to catch Lewis. But being so busy, Lewis had barely left the garage meaning he didn’t get to see him all week. However, as Ayrton was looking to leave, he heard Neil say, “Are you sure about completing these calculations Lewis by yourself? It will take you into the night I reckon.” “Of course Sir, you guys go home to your families and relax for the weekend, I will finish this off.” Lewis cheerily replied. Ayrton noted the fakeness in Lewis’ voice, sensing that Lewis was simply hiding his exhaustion for the benefit of the team. 

Ayrton sighed as he had walked away from the garage, ‘You don’t have anyone to go home either, do you Lewis?’ Then an idea struck him. 

“Lewis.” Ayrton said, as he walked forward towards Lewis, “I.. uh.. Thought you might want some dinner? I wanted to treat you, because you have worked so hard for the team and for me.” Ayrton cursed himself for sounding so nervous. ‘Where has all my confidence gone! I sounded like a stuttering fool.’ 

“I.. of course. You didn’t have to wait for me. You must be exhausted” accepted Lewis, quite flattered by Ayrton’s thoughtfulness. His heart thumped harder as Ayrton opened the passenger door for him. As he took the handle, their hands brushed. Even the slightest touch caused both men to burst into a blush as Ayrton quickly moved to the driver's seat to hide his embarrassment. 

“As I said, I wanted to treat you.” said Ayrton simply, trying to act nonchalant.

“So where are we going? It’s 11pm, I don’t know any restaurant open now.” asked Lewis, curious as Ayrton pushed the limit down the M1 towards London. 

“It’s a surprise. Just relax and enjoy the ride by your personal Chauffeur, Monsieur Hamilton.” answered Ayrton, putting on a terrible haughty french accent. Lewis laughed at the purposefully poor accent. Seeing Lewis laugh, with soft chuckles caused fluttering in Ayrton's heart. ‘God I hope he likes my surprise.’ 

Silence soon fell upon the pair as the journey back into London continued. Ayrton focussed on the road, but quickly turned to check on Lewis to find him fast asleep in the seat. Ayrton let out a tender smile. He was pleased that Lewis felt comfortable enough to fully relax in his presence. And so the night continued, with the Porsche breaking the dark cover of the sky.

“Lewis. Lewis.” Ayrton gently said, rousing Lewis from his sleep. “We are here.” Lewis blinked his eyes open, and gingerly rubbed his eyes. Ayrton had already opened the door, so he slowly clambered out the car. As he stared at their destination, he couldn’t help but stare in disbelief. There he was at his favourite italian restaurant in London, which was covered in fairy lights. Illuminated just for him. 

“How did you get them to stay open? And how did you know this is my favourite restaurant?” chattered Lewis excitedly, as Ayrton led them into the restaurant. 

Ayrton admitted shyly, “Well, being a famous F1 driver does have its perks sometimes.” 

“But how did you remember the restaurant?”, Lewis prodded, shocked that he remembered such an insignificant detail of his life. “ I listen.” Ayrton simply replied. Lewis stopped in his tracks, his mind buzzing. 'He listens to me, goes out his way for me. Does he like me?' Lewis deduced. But as his heart rose in excitement of his crush loving him back, pain washed over him. He had wasted too much of his time and effort on men that fruitlessly claimed they loved him, who eventually broke his heart leaving him alone all over again. His mind was going haywire with the realisation of how attentive Ayrton is, how much he cares for him. ‘I don’t deserve this friendship.’ he thought, head tucked downwards to hide his bout of self doubt. Lewis’ demons continued to hold their reign over his self worth, blinding his ability to appreciate his own strengths. 

Ayrton watched as Lewis suddenly shrunk form, signifying his struggle of acceptance. Recognising Lewis’ need of reassurance and love, Ayrton quickly gathered the still form into his arms. “You are amazing Lewis. What you do for me, even just your presence makes me happy. Please don’t think you are undeserving for this, because you are definitely worth it” Ayrton gently whispered to Lewis, gathering Lewis’ face into his hands, forcing hims to look deep into Ayrton’s dark eyes. Lewis searched Ayrton’s eyes, trying to understand what Ayrton sees in him. But all he could see was Ayrton’s eyes shining in happiness and content, filled with.. Love (?) starting right into him. 

Ayrton continued to look into Lewis’ eyes, and saw the turmoil and self-doubt that fogged them. But as their eyes continued to lock, he saw the fear and pain slowly drain from those revealing the joy underneath. They were so close, only a paper width between them. Lewis’ face still in his hands, a sultry tension starting to settle between them. Ayrton broke the gaze, his vision fixated on Lewis’ plump lips. ‘God I want to kiss them so bad, I can make a move now.’ he deliberated, but quickly moved away, releasing Lewis. ‘No I want to properly confess to him.’ Ayrton quickly took Lewis’ hand and led him into the restaurant where a lone table awaited them. “Come let’s eat. I made sure they made your favourite minestrone soup, Vegan of course.” he explained, pulling out the chair for a dazzled Lewis. 

Lewis’ entire being was consumed with Ayrton. As Ayrton had stared into his eyes, all he could feel was his want for the other man. He wanted to kiss him, wanted to be with him.. Wanted to love him. But he knew he was being too greedy, to want so much when he already had friendship. ‘Stop wishing for more Lewis. You know the path it always led you down.’ he told himself, fussing with the napkin in an attempt to calm. 

Ayrton sighed as he noticed Lewis’ anxious tics.. ‘Whoever was his past boyfriend was a real monte de merda.’ Wondering what had happened to Lewis so that he was so uncomfortable accepting his affections. A small awkward silence appeared as Lewis refused to look up from his lap. But the food came at the perfect timing. Shifting the focus away from the rising feelings between the two men, to something ultimately more important - good food. 

'No he is just being a nice friend that wants to treat me. Nothing more,' Lewis tried to convince himself as he pawed at his soup. But his heart knew the true reason.

Lewis’ mouth watered at the sight and smell of the soup, his stomach rumbling as just a wift of the food. Ayrton chuckled at the immediate awakening of Lewis as soon as the food arrived. Lewis, who was about to dig into his dish, quickly looked at Ayrton in embarrassment. Ayrton simply chuckled and gestured for Lewis to enjoy, opening the flood gates. The food was divine, yet what had Lewis enraptured was Ayrton. The way the conversation flowed, his laughs and his beautiful smile. The soft wisp of his accent as he recounted his family stories. ‘He is so energetic and charismatic.’ Lewis was unaware that he was staring dreamily at Ayrton, who had noticed the endearing look Lewis was subconsciously giving him. 

Ayrton felt a warm breeze rush through him when he saw how Lewis was looking at him. ‘Please God, don’t let me mess this up.’ he prayed, hoping for tonight to go smoothly. As the night began to wrap up, Lewis found himself unable to break away from Ayrton’s company. They slowly made their way to Ayrton’s car, after thanking  all the chefs (who also received abundant amounts of merchandise from Ayrton). 

“I will drop you home.” said Ayrton, cursing that the whole night had passed and he had yet to confess. Before Lewis could stop himself, he blurted out, “You can come back to my flat? It will be a long drive for you back to the hotel and I can sleep on my sofa.” Lewis didn’t know what came over him, guilt.. Desperation to have Ayrton for a little longer? 

Ayrton paused, unable to stop the grin that took over his face. “If you would have me? I would be grateful to sleep round.” he responded, failing to hide the giddiness in his voice. ‘Now is the chance Senna, you gotta.’ he encouraged himself. “As thanks, want to drive my car back to yours?” he offered, watching as Lewis went slack jawed, eyes widening.

“You… You would let me drive?” Lewis stuttered. “Of course, I trust you. Unless your a terrible driver, here’s the key,” said Ayrton while chucking his keys at Lewis. He grinned internally at seeing Lewis move excitedly to the driver’s seat, settling himself in. Then they were off, Lewis naturally manoeuvring the car. ‘God I miss the feeling. Driving high speed, just like the times in my Zonda,’ he reminisced as he hummed. Lewis was in his element, and no matter what life he was in, driving would always be his passion. Ayrton was mildly shocked at how smooth a driver Lewis was, his car control easily matching his. Soon they had reached Lewis’ flat, with Lewis quickly sneaking in Ayrton before anyone noticed. ‘Not that Porsche isn’t noticeable but still.’ he thought as he laughed to himself. 

They went up in silence in the elevator, Ayrton’s nervousness increasing as he knew tonight would be his best chance to confess. But he could feel his hands getting sweaty and his heart rate increasing. They reached Lewis’ door, with Lewis quickly unlocking to welcome him in. “Welcome to Casa Hamilton.” Lewis jovially exclaimed. Ayrton took a quick scan around, but firstly noticed how at home it felt. At Ayrton’s non response, Lewis quickly said, “I know it isn’t much, but its home.” “no, no. Don’t take my silence as an offence. It's just as soon as I entered, it just felt like home,” Ayrton tried to explain, not sure how to communicate the sense of belonging he felt with Lewis. 

Lewis shyly looked down, unsure how to react to those intimate words. “Feel free to shower? I’ll keep some clothes out for you,” offered Lewis, moving round the living room to get things ready. “Ok thank you.” accepted Ayrton, realising a shower is just what he needed to get his head straight. After Ayrton left the room, Lewis let out a deep breath. ‘I can’t keep my heart under control here. Everything he does, everything he says, it causes my heart to beat faster.’ 

One feature of his home that he adored was his full wall length windows, which allowed him to gaze into the night sky of London. As he gazed out at the moon, he let a wave of calmness embrace him. He smiled softly as he simply observed the moon, allowing himself the feeling of happiness that had long evaded him. 

Ayrton had just finished his shower and had exited the bedroom. As he made his way to the main room he noticed Lewis’ still form. Lewis’ face completely relaxed, no sense of worry found in his expression. He looked serene with the gentle glow of the moon illuminating his face. Ayrton felt himself suddenly surrounded by the all encompassing feeling of love as he continued to look longingly at Lewis. ‘He is perfect.’ was the only thing that Ayrton could think of at this moment. ‘He is the one, the only one I have ever felt such deep feelings for.’

Ayrton quietly made his way over, not wanting to disturb the sea of tranquility that had swept them both. As he got closer, he felt that irresistible urge to kiss Lewis again. He tried to fight it, but as he reached within an arm’s length of Lewis, the urge intensified to Ayrton’s breaking point. Lewis sensed Ayrton moving towards him, and turned his head to look at the other. As their eyes made contact, Ayrton knew he couldn’t hold it in any longer. He swiftly closed the gap between them, kissing Lewis hard, all his pent up passion pouring into this one kiss. Lewis was in shock, the man he liked (loved?) was kissing him. All he could feel was Ayrton; His presence, his lips, his scent, his love. Not allowing his mind any chance, he kissed back with matching fervour, their lips entwined. 

‘His lips are softer than I ever imagined. His body fits perfectly with mine,’ Ayrton further complimented. When he felt the other kissing back, his body was alight with elation. He simply pulled Lewis further into him, merging their bodies together. Their lips moved in tandem, and Lewis groaned hard into the kiss when he felt Ayrton bite his lip to gain access to his mouth. Ayrton quickly took control, drawing Lewis deeper into the kiss with his tongue sending shockwaves throughout Lewis’ body. Lewis couldn’t control himself, the attraction far stronger than any rational thought. He instinctually allowed Ayrton access, letting Ayrton have access to all of him. As Ayrton continued to explore his mouth, he felt his body subconsciously grind against the other. As he ground against Ayrton’s groin, he felt Ayrton break the kiss with a low, guttural moan. With the kiss broken, the two men quickly found themselves back in reality. Against the night sky, the sparks were flying between the two destined lovers. 

There was a moment of stillness as the two out of breath men caught up with reality. Lewis' demons quickly took the chance, 'you've just ruined it. Yet another man who wants you just for one night,' they taunted. But before they could say anymore Ayrton spoke. 

Ayrton gently broke away from their embrace to look at Lewis properly, and with new found courage confessed, “I am in love with you Lewis. From the day I met you, you have captured my attention like no other. I can’t stop thinking about you, every day somehow you are in my mind. I love you. I want to be with you. And it was killing me holding in my feelings everyday. I understand if you need time, but Lewis do you feel the same?”

Lewis quickly moved out of Ayrton’s hold, creating a physical barrier between the two. Ayrton started to worry. ‘Why has he done this? Does he hate me?’ he panicked. “Lewis?” Ayrton desperately asked, “please tell me I haven’t ruined this.” 

Lewis finally admitted, “I.. I’m not ready, Ayrton. I can’t.” Ayrton’s hands dropped to his side, feeling his heart constrict. “Please, don’t misunderstand my feelings, Ayrton. I.. I have feelings for you.” Lewis knew he had to be honest to Ayrton, but he needed to be clear. “But I can’t be hurt again. You.. you don’t know what love has done to me. I’m terrified of making myself vulnerable again.” As he began to regal his fears, Lewis realised he was crying, tears leaking out of his eyes as he laid himself bare. 

He steeled himself as he continued with a firmer tone, “I am not worth it Ayrton. I am not worth waiting for. I may never be ready to enter a relationship again. Please, just forget about me, you have so many other more worthy people for your affections. I don’t want to lead you on and keep you waiting, I don’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry Ayrton but I can’t accept your feelings.” As Lewis spoke he tried to avoid eye contact with Ayrton because he knew as soon as he looked at Ayrton’s loving eyes, his resolve would fail. A short silence followed Lewis’ admission, nervous, Lewis opened his mouth to speak again, when Ayrton cut him off, “I will wait.”

“Ayrton?” Lewis asked confused. 

“I will wait. I will not give up so easily on you Lewis.” Ayrton stated determinedly. “You have been hurt more than I know amorzinho, but I will not let you deny yourself a chance to be loved. I will wait, and keep on waiting. I will not push you away nor will I let you decide what your worth is to me. Because, to me Lewis, you are my everything.” And as he spoke he closed that distance that Lewis had created, and gently cradled Lewis’ hands in his. 

“Until you have made your decision, I will wait, querido. And if you decide you don’t love me then I will accept it. But until then, please don’t push me away?” Ayrton ended soothingly, staring at Lewis with nothing but love and patience. Lewis felt his walls break and his sobs broke through the night.

He didn't know how to handle this pain. He wanted to be with Ayrton but his mind held his heart in chains, stopping his heart from going towards the one he loved. But he didn’t need to move, as Ayrton swiftly gathered Lewis into his arms, letting him cry heavily into his shoulder. Ayrton let his love cry, softly holding the body wracked in sobs against his strong chest. His being distressed by the intense pain Lewis was in, ‘I will fix you Lewis, I will not be a source of pain for you.’ Ayrton promised silently, grateful that Lewis hadn’t pushed him away yet. ‘I want you so bad Ayrton, but I can’t. I can’t open my heart again, it still hurts too much.’ Lewis justified, still feeling his demons tightening their reign on his fragile mind while the man he loved tightened his arms around him in response.   

The night continued, letting the two men continue in their own secret world. Ayrton knew that he could wait for Lewis and he knew now that Lewis did love him back at least. And for know still being able to hold Lewis in his arms was enough. 

Lewis didn't want to be this weak, he should be strong enough to push himself out of Ayrton's strong, comforting arms. Yet he allowed himself this small vulnerability, as despite his best efforts he couldn't force his body to move away from the one he loves. So, he simply burrowed his head further into Ayrton's neck, internally grateful of the other's presence. 

Chapter Text

MONACO 2022

Max had won the Monaco GP yet again, pulling off a stunning defense. ‘Just like you taught me, hey Lew?’ Max recalled, as he drove his car into parc ferme. 

“Max that drive was inspired. Amazing. Just how did you hold onto those tires? They had no grip!” Coulthard questioned, amazed by his feat. 

“Well, I used the advice Lewis had given me. I remembered the 2019 Monaco race, when Lewis was in the same position. I had asked him after the race how he did it. He told me, and today I used his advice to win in the exact same way.” Max praised, wanting to emphasise the importance of Lewis. He had thought of Lewis as he raced, actively applying the techniques that Lewis had told him about. 

“Lewis? He had helped you?” Coulthard asks, seemingly taken back by the revelation. 

“The public never realised, but Lewis and I were great friends. And he is always going to stick with me. He was kind, and though we were competitors, he never failed to give me advice and support when I needed it. I will always be grateful for his presence in my life, and today I am dedicating this drive to him.” Max ground out, slightly upset by the  enemy they try to make out of Lewis. 

He walked out abruptly, not given those blood thirsty pundits anymore. Eyes blurring as he ran to find a corner. Max found a corner close to the Mercedes garage, even just finding some comfort in the ex-team of his old friend. He crouched down, hands on his knees. ‘This was for you lewis. I hope you are proud of me. I would’ve preferred it was you who I was racing today. I… miss you. More than you know.’ Max thought, mind filled with memories of his lost friend. He sat there for a while, just letting himself reminisce in his happy memories with Lewis. 

Monaco 1992

It had been a week since the kiss, and due to their different schedules Ayrton barely got to see Lewis. It was killing him, not knowing what Lewis wanted. He had made his move, yet he still found himself in a circle of waiting. ‘I love him and I will wait, but as everyday goes past my heart aches to be closer to him.’ Ayrton mentally wailed, as he waited in the garage for his mechanics to arrive. 

It was Monaco. Monaco is Ayrton’s track, and he knew the best way to distract himself from the anxiety of his heart was to fully focus on the race weekend. ‘O deus, give me the strength to bear this waiting.’ he prayed, hoping for a sign that his loved one will come to him. 

Lewis, likewise, was a mess. His heart and mind were constantly at war, draining on him. His heart so wanted to say yes to Ayrton and throw himself into the tornado named love. But his mind and his memories continued to rear their ugly heads to block him, like an iron wall that blocked the pathway of his heart. Despite seeing Ayrton, he kept his distance and with his new more technical role, wasn’t required in the garage as often as the other guys. He was grateful for the space because he knew if he saw Ayrton everyday his heart wouldn’t be able to withstand the distance any longer. 

Ayrton had no time to think of Lewis that weekend. Purposefully keeping his mind busy but also distracted by the intensity of the battle with Williams. Managing to qualify third was a feat in itself. Thankfully exhausting his mind and body enough so that he didn’t even have the energy to dream of Lewis. 

Sunday came along and with a stroke perfect strategy, he found himself in the familiar position of first. Every turn, every straight he parked his McLaren perfectly, knowing that the track was helping him when he needed it most. Aytron could feel Nigel breathing down his neck, but his nerves were as strong as iron, and he was going to show this pretender why he was a three time world champion. Crossing the line, with less than a tenth between him and Mansell brought the sweetest feeling of satisfaction. But as his mind finally caught up with the events, his heart ached to see the one person. The one person whose approval would make this weekend perfect. 

Those honey brown eyes were gleaning with unabashed joy, jumping with the team. Screaming Ayrton. Ayrton couldn’t help but rejoice in the fact Lewis was screaming his name, ‘He is screaming my name, and my name only’ His possessiveness controlling his thoughts, as he climbed out of the car. He then made a selfish decision, knowing it may further hurt the situation between Lewis and himself. He ran towards the team, but grabbed Lewis into a tight hug, arms in a lock around Lewis’ broad shoulders. But those familiar arms don’t let go, only bring him in tighter. This was the confirmation, confirmation that despite Lewis’ attempts and avoidance, he could not bring himself to escape Ayrton’s arms that felt like home to him. Aytron reluctantly pulled off to give his post race interview, but not before turning back to look at Lewis one last time. To see Lewis still there, smiling at him set his heart on fire, firing him up. 

Lewis stood there, unable to comprehend his foolishness and weakness. He ran, running far to hide himself in a small enclave to let his anxiety out. Tears streamed down as he berated himself for feeling the emotion that had only brought him pain. If Lewis only allowed himself to feel the love he felt for Aytron, it would bring him the inner peace and stillness that would calm his unyielding demons. With love being a form of the purest form of joy that transcends one's mind or emotions. He collected himself, knowing that he needed to return in time to see his love take the top step at long last. There he beamed up, watching as his idol enjoyed his earned moment of victory. But slowly turned, easily swallowed by the crowd. As he walked away he silently apologised, ‘I am sorry Ayrton, but I don’t have the courage to be who you need right now. I am sorry, I am hurting you so much love, but it’s for the best that you give me up.’ Lewis left determined, determined to turn away Ayrton through any means necessary, in order to protect him and Ayrton from the unnecessary pain. But he couldn’t see that it was only his reluctance and fear causing the pain. 

Ayrton was overjoyed, finally on the podium with a win at his track. Yet his joy was dashed and soon grief filled him as he watched Lewis disappear away from the celebrations…. turning his back on him again. ‘What can I do to get him to come to me? Why does he let me so close yet then push me away? Why is this so hard?’ questions that only Lewis could answer leaving Ayrton in the darkness. Ayrton could only watch in disappointment as Lewis turned away to escape, unable to break out the mental image of Lewis walking away from him yet again.

-Line break- 

Lewis later found himself in the club with the rest of the team enjoying a well earned break. Ron had given them specific instructions to enjoy themselves to the fullest tonight, but Lewis could not stop reliving his moment with Ayrton. A tap shook him out of his thoughts, stopping his daydream. “You are coming with me, I won’t stand for your moping any longer. You need to get laid and there are many girls or guys who would gladly take your arse.” Tom declared as he dragged his best friend into the middle of the club.

Lewis sighed but shook out of his funk. ‘He’s right, the best way to get over this obsession, and stop myself from getting hurt, is to find someone new. When Ayrton sees me take another guy, he’ll realise I am not worth it.’ With that Lewis began to dance, attracting the attention of more than a few guys, who were getting a nice eye full of his body. Soon he felt hands at his waist and slightly turned to check the guy out. ‘Cute, nice body, will do for tonight.’ he thought, allowing the guy to grind onto him, building up the tempo. However he was unaware of the jealous eyes that followed him as he went to the dance floor. The eyes that never left his person as he danced.

Ayrton saw Lewis get dragged to the dance floor, and was surprised by Lewis’ sudden change in mood. Watching as he allowed other insignificant cockroaches touch him. His grip tightened dangerously around his tumbler, and as he saw one guy graze his lips against Lewis’ neck, he had had enough. 

Lewis felt the person behind begin to make his moves, and allowed him to start kissing down his neck. He enjoyed the closeness, having not felt a release of his pent up lust. But before it could progress, he felt himself getting yanked out the dance floor. An iron grip was around his wrist, and before he realised he was into the hallway being dragged by none other than Ayrton. 

“Ayrton?! What the fuck man? Let go!” said Lewis, breathless from his struggle to break free for Ayrton’s hold. Ayrton’s grip only tightened further as he pushed Lewis into his room. Lewis felt Ayrton let go but soon found his sight full of Ayrton who had him cornered against the door. His hot gaze, ablaze with jealousy and mouth in a tight line with his jaw clenched. 

Lewis gulped, unable to tear his eyes away from Ayrton’s face. ‘Fuck he looks so hot mad.’ he thought, then instantly regretted it when the fear started to settle in. 

“Ayrton.. I”, but before he could finish, Ayrton’s lips smashed against his. Ayrton was unable to control these passionate feelings any longer, and in a blink of an eye, captured Lewis’ lips. The kiss, it was everything. Emotions poured out as the two men gave into the instantaneous attraction they held for each other from the first day they met. They couldn’t stop, tongues sliding against each other, intermingled in feelings of passion and excitement. Ayrton held a strong grip against Lewis’ back, pulling him until they tumbled backwards onto the bed. This movement caused Lewis to break the kiss, to breathe in some much needed air. They stared into each other's eyes as they finally acknowledged their positions. 

Ayrton gently stroked Lewis’ cheek, watching enamoured as Lewis fluttered his eyes close, leaning into the touch. Lewis gasped when he felt Ayrtons hand’s grip his thighs, pulling him onto his lap. Blushing, Lewis felt the very obvious arousal beneath him and tried to look away. But as he turned, Ayrton’s hand captured his jaw, forcing their eyes to meet. Then Ayrton finally spoke,

“You dared do that? When you knew everyone was watching, when you know how I feel about you?” He growled heatedly. As Ayrton trailed fiery kisses down Lewis’ neck, he spoke with increasing ferocity “Did you know how much it killed me? To see you with those men, allowing them to touch you? Did you think that I would allow that?” His grip on Lewis’ hip strengthened as he ground himself up into Lewis. Lewis moaned into Ayrton’s mouth, unable to hide his pleasure. Suddenly Ayrton stopped, causing Lewis to whine as the loss of movement. 

“Lewis amorzinho, look at me.” Ayrton gently asked, regaining some of his composure, feeling ashamed at his lack of control. His hands now moved from their hold on Lewis’ hips, to cradle Lewis’ face affectionately.  Lewis couldn’t help but obey the soft but dominating command. He slowly dragged his eyes to meet Ayrton’s, and almost gasped as he took in the sight of Ayrton’s eyes filled with love and happiness. 

“I love you Lewis. I look for you every day, I see you in my dreams. I know you need time, but please. It hurts me so much to see you give yourself like that to others. If you don’t love me, tell me. But if you do, please stop pushing me away and stopping yourself from feeling this love.”

Lewis stared deeply into Ayrton. He knew he couldn’t bear to hurt Ayrton anymore, disgusted with his earlier actions. As he looked into Ayrton’s eyes, he knew that this man only wanted to love him and that was his only flaw. ‘But that’s not a flaw is it Lewis?’ a jingling voice reminded him, ‘Your demons have told you that lie for so long you believe it is true. But it is causing harm to you and the ones you hold dear. Let them go, Lewis, and listen to your heart only for once.’ He closed his eyes, moving his hand to his heart and truly listening to what he wanted for once. With his eyes shut, there was but one person he saw in his life, and that was Ayrton. 

With that, Lewis made his decision. “I can’t stay away from you any longer, Ayrton. I love you too.” he softly revealed, opening his gaze exposing his vulnerability and uncertainty. With those firm words of acceptance, Ayrton surged up to recapture those luscious lips. He wrapped his arms tightly around Lewis’ back, as if he was afraid of Lewis running away again. ‘I am sorry I hurt you, but I will try my best to fight my demons for you.’ vowed Lewis, understanding now his fear had only hurt him rather than protected him. Lewis allowed himself to drown again in the ever familiar yet new feelings of love. ‘O deus, thank you for giving me the answer I wanted.’ Ayrton rejoiced as he held the man he loved in his arms. 

Ayrton continued to hold Lewis close, as he increased the tempo of the kiss. His tongue slipped back in, teeth clashing as they finally gave into their lust. The friction between the two men heated up as Ayrton slowly lowered Lewis onto the mattress. Lewis gasped as he felt Ayrton fully rest between his open legs. He was so hard, and he could feel Ayrton’s big bulge against his. Before he knew, Ayrton had removed his shirt, and was quickly tugging off Lewis’. “You are so beautiful amorzinho. Will you let me have you tonight?” Ayrton purred, as he took in the sight in front of him. 

Lewis was a vision. His head thrown back against the lush pillows, lost in the feeling of Ayrton kissing down his neck. Ayrton smirked against his neck while sucking love marks all the way down. He felt Lewis’ hip jerk immediately at each bite. ‘So you like it rough amor?’ Ayrton realised, suddenly switching his attention to Lewis’ nipples. Lewis moaned loud and long as he felt Ayrton tease his sensitive nubs. ‘Ayrton, please… ah Please.’ was all he could let out as he was reduced to moans. Ayrton caressed Lewis’ sides as he continued to nip and suck his nipples, his featherlight touches turning Lewis on even more. 

Ayrton made his way down Lewis’ pecs pressing light kisses towards his V-line. He placed a small kiss as he began to drag Lewis' boxers down with his teeth. Lewis could feel Ayrton's breath tickling his stomach, feeling his whole body shudder in anticipation. Just as Ayrton finished removing the offending item, he found himself tackled onto his back.

Confused, he looked up at Lewis who simply smirked in response. “Did you think I would let you have all the fun?” he teased as he bent down to suck a matching  mark at the junction of Ayrton’s neck. Ayrton loved this. He loved seeing Lewis’ reciprocal possessiveness. But what he didn’t expect was the hand that had quickly slipped into his boxer's to stroke him. He quickly looked up to Lewis, whose attention was now fully focussed on the sex he was stroking. Before Ayrton could speak, he felt Lewis tug off his boxers and move down to press a gentle kiss to the underside of his cock before quickly taking it into his mouth. Ayrton could do nothing but press back into the mattress, hips arching into the warmth that now encompassed him. 

Lewis hadn’t always liked blow jobs, yet he was drunk off this. Thick, long and heavy on his tongue as he got to pleasuring the man beneath him. He placed one hand on Ayrton’s hip, while using the other to trace Ayrton’s balls, and watched how Ayrton suddenly jerked in his mouth. With renewed fervour, Lewis began sucking up and down Ayrton’s length hard before focussing on the tip, causing Ayrton to cry out, loving the control he now held over the other. 

Ayrton was in heaven. The way Lewis was taking him so easily, made him wonder how many others he had done this to. With that thought a flare of jealousy ran through him and he growled as he began thrust up into the warm heat. Lewis felt Ayrton begin to move causing him to gag slightly. He further relaxed his throat allowing to Ayrton to fuck his throat, loving his sudden roughness. Ayrton quickly threaded his hand in Lewis' curls as he began to thrust hard into his mouth. Lewis couldn’t get enough of it. The scent, the feel of Ayrton on his tongue, the lack of oxygen. It made him giddy as he continued to let Ayrton use him. Ayrton could feel his approach coming and with Lewis pressing his sensitive spot, reluctantly tugged Lewis off. “I don’t want to be coming too soon tonight love, now let me return the favour.” he said, as he quickly flipped them back round. 

Lewis loved the weight of Ayrton on top of him, further opening his legs to invite the other between them. Ayrton took the other’s cock in his hand, lightly stroking it. However, he circled his hand round the untouched hole that laid beneath, looking up to get permission from Lewis. Lewis tensed up, unsure on if he wanted to give the most intimate part of himself. He felt Ayrton move back up to hold his face, “We don’t have to go all the way meu bem, only if you want.” Ayrton reassured, understanding Lewis’ discomfort. Lewis knew he was meant to feel reassured by those words, but all he felt was need thrumming to his body pushing down the irrelevant feeling of fear. This itch would only go with one action. “I want you, all of you.” he declared, interlacing Ayrton's hand with his. “I am done being scared. Please Ayrton, make me feel good?” he almost begged, his voice desperate. Ayrton let out a low breathy moan in response, kissing Lewis’ lips with vigour while reaching underneath the pillow to retrieve the abandoned lube. 

"OK sweetheart, but I'll go slow?" Ayrton conceded, taking some lube and warming it between his fingers. Lewis shyly nodded before gasping at the cold, slick feel of Ayrton's fingers. He felt Ayrton gently ease one finger into him, stilling to let him adjust. He was grateful for the tentativeness, yet something primal arose in him as he felt his body craving more. Lewis moved his hips, letting Ayrton know he was ready. With that, Ayrton began increasing the speed of his thrusts into Lewis, searching for that one spot. Soon another joined inside, as Ayrton could only marvel at Lewis’ eagerness. He continued to rub his fingers inside, curling them and stroking those tight, velvety walls. As he curled them upwards, Lewis moaned wantonly, keening in a high pitch tone. ‘There it is.’ Ayrton triumphed, as he began pumping his fingers with renewed force against Lewis’ prostrate. 

Lewis couldn’t think. All he could do was feel at the mercy of Ayrton’s skilled fingers. Ayrton was hitting his prostate consistently, taking away all his ability to move apart from pushing his hips back at the intruding fingers asking for more. Lewis felt a third finger join, further increasing that delightful pressure within him. Ayrton could sense his lover was going to come soon, feeling the hole relax as he continued to  take him apart. He couldn’t get enough of Lewis’ shaking form, feeling pride as he realised he was the reason for the state Lewis was in. ‘And I only will be able to do this to you.' he possessively claimed, quickly pressing a small kiss to Lewis’ forehead as he withdrew his fingers. 

Lewis quickly looked up with the feeling of emptiness overwhelming him. He lifted his arms to grab at Ayrton, wanting the delicious body back on top of him. Ayrton chuckled at Lewis’ neediness, “Don’t worry amorzinho, I will give you what you want soon,” he said, getting off the bed to grab a condom. Lewis blushed at how much he wanted this, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

He felt the bed dip, and he turned to look at Ayrton who deftly rolled on the condom and carefully positioned himself on top of Lewis. In that moment, the deep breathes of the two lovers could be heard, as they gazed into each other. Lewis noticed how dilated Ayrton’s eyes were and the thin sheen of sweat that glowed off his body. He couldn’t help but lift his hand to trail up Ayrton’s neck, gently stroking the erogenous point underneath the ear. Ayrton shivered, feeling a rush of want go through him quickly capturing Lewis’ hands and holding it above his head. 

Lewis gasped as he was firmly held in place feeling Ayrton shift above him to rest on his knees. “Seeing you underneath me. You don’t know what it does to me.” Ayrton sensually said, one hand still holding Lewis’ wrist together while the other lubed his cock. “Are you ready?” he asked. Lewis nodded, not able to wait any longer. 

Ayrton let go of Lewis' wrists and affectionately interlaced his fingers with Lewis' as he guided himself in the waiting hole, stroking his thumb reassuringly to help distract Lewis from the initial burn. Lewis let out a choked moan, his head spinning as Ayrton bottomed out. He felt Ayrton stop, letting him adjust. As he got over the initial burn, his impatience to be fucked became too strong. 

Lewis moved close to Ayrton’s ear and whispered seductively, “No more waiting. I want you to fuck me. Decorated in your bruises, with an ache reminding me of who owns me. Don’t you want that? To show everyone I am yours?” He felt Ayrton take a quick intake of breath, and suddenly felt his head yanked back to eye level.

Ayrton searched Lewis’ face to find any resistance, but saw nothing. “You sure about this o amor? Because you won’t be able to walk for a week, let alone a day.” Ayrton breathed into Lewis’ ear, hot breath tickling his neck. Lewis nodded once more, and Ayrton's restraint disappeared. 

The air was punched out of Lewis as Ayrton quickly pulled out and slammed back in, moving him up the bed with the force of his thrust. A harsh rhythm settled in, Ayrton pounding into Lewis relentlessly. Ayrton anchored his hands on Lewis' hip in a bruising grip, pulling Lewis back onto every thrust.

Lewis could only make wordless pleas, mumbling incoherently as he felt Ayrton take him apart completely. Ayrton couldn’t stop, he knew that this was rough and he had wanted to treasure Lewis. But his need to make sure Lewis was his, caused this animalistic urge to take over. He wanted to own him, claim him through his thrusts.  And he knew Lewis was enjoying it too. The way Lewis bucked up his hips to meet Ayrton, how he arched his back as he felt him nudge at his pleasure point. He could feel him getting tighter like a vice, and renewed his efforts to hit his prostate. Lewis screamed as he felt Ayrton slammed straight into his prostate, the intensity of pleasure taking over his vision. “Please, Please more. Ayrton, Please.” was all he could plead, as Ayrton continued to plow into his pleasure point. 

Just as Lewis felt himself get closer to his release, Ayrton pulled out. “Ayrton.. “Lewis mumbled confused, but found himself flipped onto his stomach and pulled onto all fours. Ayrton quickly settled himself back between Lewis’ thighs, rubbing his hard erection between those firm, round cheeks. Lewis’ eyes rolled back into his head as he felt that slick friction at his entrance. He tried pushing back, wanting Ayrton closer but was held firmly in position by Ayrton’s strong arms. Ayrton leaned over the beautiful form in front of him to suck another bruise in the junction of Lewis’ neck. Lewis dropped his head groaning in frustration as Ayrton continued to tease him through his kisses and miniscule movements. 

“Please Ayrton. I want you in me, please stop teasing.” he begged, frustrated at his helplessness. Ayrton smirked, but obeyed nonetheless. He quickly reentered, pistoning his hips at a much deeper angle. Lewis continued to chant Ayrton’s name as if it was a prayer, feeling the familiar heat build. This angle intensified their ecstasy, claiming his mind and body. Ayrton was in a similar state, unable to think of nothing but moaning Lewis’ name as he lost all control and began thrusting into the warm heat recklessly, chasing his own release. The room was quiet except for the low moans of the two men lost in the overwhelming sensation and the sound of the quickening slaps between their hips.

Lewis could feel himself getting closer and let out a whine, “Ayrton, I.. I’m going to come.” “That’s it bebe, coming just from my cock.” Ayrton grunted into Lewis’ ear as he too found himself close to the edge. “Come for me bebe. Come on, show me how much you love me.” With that, Lewis came apart, vision going black as he came hard against his stomach. 

Lewis' orgasm around Ayrton proved too much, as he only managed a couple more thrusts before giving into the ultimate carnal pleasure . He held onto Lewis tightly as he climaxed into the condom, riding out his orgasm with slow rolls of his hips, causing Lewis to whimper slightly in discomfort with the overstimulation. Ayrton slowly pulled out, mindful of the sensitivity, before getting up to throw the condom. Lewis rolled onto his back, blissed out. He felt light, like all his worries had disappeared, mind fuzzy as he let his body relax into the soft sheets. All he felt was the breathtaking feeling of love and the content of finally being with the one he loved.  

He barely registered a warm towel rubbed against his skin, nor the gentle caresses as he slipped into unconsciousness. Ayrton smiled softly at Lewis, as he gently pulled his love into his arms, pressing one last kiss to his temple before he too gave into sleep.

Chapter Text

Canada 1992- factory weeks

Ayrton sat outside on the balcony of his hotel in Canada on an early Friday morning, looking contemplatively at the sunrise over the skyline. 

Lewis was an independent, strong personality, but protected his heart behind a steel door which could shut at any moment. Thankfully, Lewis had adjusted well to the relationship and had been opening up to Ayrton bit by bit, but he knew Lewis wouldn’t be able to overcome his anxiety in such a short time. He tensed around his coffee cup as the rage ran through him as he thought about the hurt Lewis’ previous lovers had caused him.

‘If only I found you earlier Lewis. The world would have been better for both of us.’ Ayrton mulled as he let the sun’s calming rays warm him. He looked out one last time, mentally preparing for the long day ahead with Mclaren trying the new active suspension system which Lewis had taken the lead in developing and implementing.

“He is just so amazing.” Ayrton fanboyed as he couldn't help but smile at his luck at finding such a smart partner. Lewis had been practically living at the factory since the end of the Monaco GP, only leaving when Ayrton dragged him home to sleep and shower. And this week they will be bringing their version of the active suspension for the race. 

However, despite seeing so little of his boyfriend during the day, being able to simply hold him at night was more than enough. It was difficult, tip toeing around everyone in the factory and trying to not get spotted. Luckily Tom had been very helpful to the pair, helping Lewis by pointing out his hickies or covering for Lewis when the team asked where he was. According to Tom, he was definitely not in Ayrton’s hotel room doing things he did not want to even think about. 

As Ayrton continued to relax in the gentle morning sun, he was startled by someone clearing their throat behind him. He turned immediately to see Ron smiling at him. He couldn’t understand the look Ron was giving him, a smile of pride and something alike to relief. “Ah Ron it’s  you,” said Ayrton, settling back into his relaxed state.

 “You are calm, settled. I haven’t seen you this grounded before Ayrton,” suddenly said Ron, “And it’s helping the team. Your calmness and strength is helping lead this team, and I finally feel I have a team leader in one of my drivers.” Ayrton looked back at Ron in shock, unable to say anything. 

Ron laughed at Ayrton’s dumbstruck look and simply said for a final time, “Thank you for getting your shit together.” With that bomb, he left Ayrton alone to his thoughts, allowing him to reflect on the changes he has experienced in the last few weeks. ‘All thanks to Lewis, he is someone I can lean on and vent to. It’s because I have him with me that I feel in such a good state.’ thanked Ayrton, restlessly twisting his hands as he had to stop himself from going to disturb Lewis for the nth time (having been kicked out by all the engineers for being a nuisance.) 

The night came round, and the team was on a high. The debrief went well with the active suspension finally working and so far had proved not to disrupt the engine nor electricals too much. And moreover, it had made an obvious improvement to Mclaren’s speed and Ayrton was just happy to see the progress made in the team. 

“Ayrton!” someone called out as Ayrton was looking to try find his boyfriend in the gaggle of mechanics. 

“Gerhard. How are you?” replied Ayrton, as Gerhard suddenly appeared in front of him. Ayrton felt bad having barely spent time with his teammate, and with how the season had gone so far he knew his teammate probably also wanted some support in the team. 

“Much better after seeing our progress today. I know it might be too late to get us the title but it feels good to feel fast again.” explained Gerhard. “Join me for a drink?” he asked. Ayrton was tempted to refuse but knew to keep team morale he couldn’t disregard Gerhard continuously. Gerhard noted Ayrton’s perplexed look as he joked, “We can invite Lewis if you want?”

At the mention of Lewis’ name, Ayrton looked alarmed towards Gerhard. ‘Will he use it against me? No more important, will he hold it against Lewis?’ Gerhard noticed how Ayrton’s defense suddenly draw up and clocked onto the defensive look in Ayrton’s eyes. 

“So there is something between you two?” Gerhard asked in a quiet tone so to not draw any notice to their conversation, “You know I won’t tell anyone, or use it against you, or Lewis for that matter. Without him this team would still be struggling for second, and to be honest Ayrton, you have definitely become a lot more bearable since he joined the team.” Despite the light tone Gerhard carried his affirmations, Ayrton couldn’t be sure to trust him. 

Ayrton took in a breath, his heart beating in anxiety as he was unsure if he wanted to disclose such personal and sensitive information to his teammate. Taking a final decision he said, “Yes. And you will keep it to yourself.” Ayrton spoke in a curt and sharp tone, indicating that if Gerhard didn't follow his instruction, he would suffer the consequences. 

“Ayrton, you know I am not there to fight you. I am kind of shocked you actually decided to trust me but in a good way. You kept yourself so closed off that I never thought you would put faith in me at all.” admitted Gerhard, who was now smiling broadly at a stone-faced Senna. 

“Now tell me everything. I want to hear how you confessed? I mean man if I was gay, I would also go for him because he is a very fine specimen,” began Gerhard, who followed Ayrton towards the cafeteria like a puppy. Ayrton couldn’t help but feel some warmth as he opened up to his teammate and laughed at his antics as Gerhard tried desperately to get more information out of him. 

Meanwhile, Lewis was looking for Ayrton. He missed him, and he could do with it was a cuddle. As he turned into the cafeteria he saw Ayrton laughing with Gerhard. Lewis smiled, ‘So he is finally allowing Gerhard to be his friend. I’ll let them be and just go straight to his room.’ thought Lewis, humming as he walked toward the elevator to the rooms, happy his boyfriend was learning to trust. 

Ayrton felt light. He had a lot of fun with Gerhard, and had been updated on all the driver ‘drama’ as Gerhard phrased it. But what really made him happy was that he knew Lewis would be waiting for him in his room, and the feeling of holding Lewis in his arms made him feel on top of the world. As he entered the room, he noticed Lewis’ clothes folded neatly on the bed and could hear the spray of the shower. 

A cheeky smile took over his face as he opened the door to the bathroom and locked it behind him. Lewis was enjoying the hot spray, helping him release all his tensions from today. His worries about the car and the new suspension fell away as he let himself relax. What he didn’t realise was Ayrton coming up behind him. Lewis was so lost in the comfort of the warm water, that he felt a shock run through his spine as arms suddenly wrapped around his bare waist and felt the weight suddenly appear on his shoulder. 

Ayrton knew he was probably being a bit naughty here, but having barely had any time with his boyfriend he was taking whatever he could. He quickly stripped his clothes, purposefully remaining as quiet as possible. He opened the door to the shower quietly, but not without appreciating his boyfriend's form. 

In one move Ayrton captured his boyfriend, playfully smacking his arse before wrapping himself around him. He let him relax his weight onto Lewis, finally feeling at peace after a long day. 

The momentary surprise quickly washed away as Lewis leant back into the strong body behind him. “Ayrton?” muttered Lewis, energy leaving him. “Hmm” mumbled back Ayrton, still leaning heavily into Lewis. 

“I love you,” said Lewis, so simply, so easily. And with equal fluidity, Ayrton replied, “I love you too amorzinho.” Lewis’ heart bloomed, he finally had someone who loved him as easy as it was breathing. 

They stayed there a while longer, before finally exiting their private bubble. Lewis plodded over to the bed, the long day finally catching up on him. As he laid in bed, feeling his eyes slowly close, he felt the bed dip and a warm body curling around him. While hearing the loving, “Goodnight amorzinho,” he fell into sweet dreams. 

-Line break- 

The Canadian grand prix could not have gone better, the car absolutely majestic with pole and a long awaited Mclaren 1-2, with Ayrton winning and Gerhard coming in second. The late nights and the painful calculations were worth it. The team celebrated hard, feeling hopeful for the first time this season. When the cars had crossed the line, Lewis had felt himself picked up by Neil who was ecstatic. “We DID IT! IT WORKED!” Lewis let himself be thrown into several arms, everyone filled with pride but moreover hope. Hope that this season was salvageable. 

As he passed Ayrton’s driver’s room, he heard the door open and just as he turned he was yanked in. Quickly Ayrton locked the door behind him, and pulled Lewis on top of him on the sofa. 

“Well hello there Mr Race winner,” teased Lewis, laughing at Ayrton’s antics, then humming as Ayrton mouthed at his neck. “This race winner could only think of one thing; he wants a prize.” said Ayrton, completely distracted by Lewis; his neck, his body, everything. 

Ayrton felt himself pushed back and before he knew what was happening, he found Lewis knelt between his legs. Lewis looked up with pure mischief as he quickly took Ayrton’s cock out of his fireproofs. With a teasing grip, he moved his hand slowly up and down the length causing Ayrton to bite into his hand to hide his moans. “Amorzinho,” he stuttered out, struggling to hold in his sounds, “I thought you were rewarding me not punishing me.” 

Lewis smiled, loving the effect he could have on Ayrton and decided to put ayrton out of his misery. He quickly took him into his mouth, deepthroating him immediately. Ayrton let out a choked groan as he felt himself hit the back of Lewis’ throat. 

“Foder,'' Ayrton swore as he was at the complete mercy of his boyfriend. Lewis with deft movements brought Ayrton to his release, sucking him in hard and he knew his boyfriend was close when he felt his hand tighten in his hair. With renewed vigour he moved up and down, and was rewarded with Ayrton’s muffled moans as he felt him release into his mouth. Lewis swallowed it all, and as Ayrton looked down, he almost felt himself get hard again. Lewis’ lips were slick from his cum and spit, cheeks flushed a pretty red. 

Ayrton quickly reached down to stroke his face, before pulling him up for a kiss. It was so dirty, yet Lewis was addicted. They broke apart, knowing Ayrton needed to go for his media commitments. Ayrton quickly fixed himself up, and got up to go, not before pressing one last kiss on Lewis’ lips. “I love you,” he whispered against Lewis’ ear before going to rejoin the F1 circus. 

Lewis remained in the room for a few more minutes before leaving to be sure not to get caught,. He couldn’t stop the dumb grin covering his mouth as he washed up, surprised yet not regretful of his risky actions. Ayrton was helping him escape his boundaries and finally in life he felt unbounded in love. 

As Lewis left to walk round the paddock, the debrief yet to start and Neil practically driving him out the garage to ‘go grab a fucking break’ he whistled to find something to do. As he walked he saw Michael Schumacher, smiling broadly at something. Curious, he walked up until he saw it. A nest of baby birds and the mother in the nearby tree. 

“Isn’t life beautiful?” said Lewis, not sure why he was starting a conversation with a future world champion. “It always has so many wonders. And driving reminds me of its importance in every race.” spoke Michael, sounding in a trance.

“Well done on P3. Great for a rookie,” congratulated Lewis, still observing the heartwarming sight. Michael turned to look at Lewis. The  man that had captured his eyes from the first day. He silently looked at Lewis' profile, his chiselled jaw, well kept beard, twinkling eyes. He let out a sigh in appreciation, which caught Lewis’ attention. 

“You ok mate?” asked Lewis, surprised by the sudden sound. Michael looked like a deer caught in the headlights, unsure on how to explain his reaction. So he blurted out, “I am scared that I will fail,” hoping to throw Lewis off his true feelings. 

Lewis looked at him with something akin to knowing and said, “I think you won't. You have the skills and the ability, and you will soon get the car to show it.” he patted Michael on the shoulder as he left, “You are good enough mate.” Michael could only stare after Lewis, hand on his heart as he tried to understand his fascination with this mechanic. ‘He is so kind to me and he doesn’t even know me,’ he thought dreamily as he became increasingly infatuated with the kind hearted beauty. 

Ayrton lounged in the Mclaren office, waiting for the meeting to start. ‘Where is Lewis? He is normally always early to these meetings,’ he pondered as he played with his suit. Before he knew it, Lewis slipped in, sliding into the seat next to him with two cups of steaming tea, giving a bright smile. “Sorry I was late, the queue for tea was too long,” he apologised to the team, as he handed one to Tom across from him. Tom titled his head in thanks, but not before wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at the obvious hickey on Lewis’ neck and slyly handing him a cloth to wrap round his neck. . Ayrton chuckled quietly behind his hand at Lewis’ embarrassment, earning himself a strong pinch under the table. Having to hold in his reaction, he fully focussed on what Ron was saying. 

But the engineers noticed the way Ayrton was smiling nowadays. How he was laughing all the time. And they looked towards the man next to him. Lewis Hamilton. The young mechanic who seemed to have broken Ayrton’s shell and brought the best out of him for the team. And they don’t think anything about, simply thinking ‘What a good pair.’ So in plain sight the lovers are hidden, dancing under the noses of the blissfully unaware world.

-Line Break- 

The team headed straight to the bar to celebrate, Tom practically dragging Lewis away from Ayrton. 

“Mate, you are completely lovesick!” exclaimed Tom, in a hushed tone, as Lewis whined about him taking him away. 

“I can’t help it. He just makes me feel so happy.” admitted Lewis, a lovestruck adorning his face. Tom couldn’t help but facepalm, if only his friend could be a little less obvious about it. 

“Lewis listen to me, please for one second,” said Tom in a serious tone, forcing Lewis to look at him. “ I am really happy for you, but you need to be more careful. At the moment we are lucky people are oblivious fools, but that’s not going to stay this way. Today, it was quite obvious he had his hand on your leg, so you need to keep your distance in the big gatherings. I know it’s hard, but you don’t know the consequences it will have on you or Ayrton if this gets out.” 

The wind had picked up and with the gush of cold air, Lewis felt himself brought back to reality. Like ice cold water had just been poured onto him, he realised he had to be. Today they could’ve got caught so many times, and he knew at this point neither could survive this coming out. 

He felt his shoulders drop and heart constrict as he knew he had to hide his affections again, something that made demons grin. ‘Once again, you have to be hidden away, no one wants to claim they are dating you.’ They whispered venomously into his mind. Lewis instinctually felt his heart begin to freeze until Tom quickly held onto his hands, the warmth shaking him out of his thoughts. 

“I’m not saying Ayrton wants to hide you away Lewey, I am just saying I don’t want people to use this against you guys. He loves you and I know if he could, he would scream it to the world. But Lew, we need to protect you. You are still the only coloured person in the paddock and though Ron is kind to you, I haven’t heard nice things from the other lads. I only say this to protect you and you only.” Tom said slowly, emphasising his intentions are only out of pure protection. 

'He's right. It's still 1992 and I have to think about the consequences. It's enough that Ayrton loves me and when it's time we can cross the bridge,' reconciled Lewis. Tom still looked worried, not sure if he had hurt his friend by his words.

He didn't need to worry as he felt his best friend bring him into his arms. "Thank you for caring so much," Lewis whispered. "Ride and die together my friend," murmured back Tom. The two best friends grateful for the bond they have with each other. 

Lewis knew he had to stop carefully yet he couldn't help but let out a sigh. 'When will the World give me a break?' He thought sadly as he trudged into the bar.

"Tom I'll just go to the toilet okay?" Said Lewis, needing a minute to himself. "You know where to find us?" Asked Tom as Lewis turned to go. With a nod Lewis left, walking away quickly.

As Lewis enter the toilet he felt himself dragged into a corner, a hand covering his mouth and a arm wrapped strongly around his waist. He gasped his instincts trying to fight the strong hold, until he unexpectedly began to relax. His heart recognised this person as he smelt that familiar musk and felt the solid body behind him. 

Ayrton felt Lewis relax in his hold and felt his heart skip a bit as he realised Lewis now instinctually trusted him. 

"It's just me amorzinho. Just wanted a couple of minutes with you before we join the party," whispered Ayrton in Lewis' ear, his hot breath tickling Lewis. Lewis couldn't help the shiver that went down his spine at the intimate embrace. 

"Ayrton we can't get caught," Lewis began, turning in Ayrton arm's to look at him. His anxiety began to rise and eyes darting to survey the area. 

Ayrton could tell something was wrong; Lewis was jittery, on edge. 

"Lewis," said Ayrton, grasping Lewis' shoulders and looking him straight in the eyes. "What's wrong? Why are you so nervous?" 

Lewis' eyes flittered down, overwhelming anxiety beginning to take over. Ayrton quickly began to panic, noticing Lewis' further entreating into himself. 

"Bebe. Tell me what is wrong?" Ayrton said firmly, voice not leaving any room for discussion. He tried to catch Kewis' eye again but Lewis steadily avoided his gaze.

Lewis knew he couldn't evade it and with Ayrton's tone he knew he wouldn't leave it alone. 

"Ayrton. We keep sneaking off and I'm scared, no terrified what will happen if someone finds out," confessed Lewis, voice honest and soft. "If they find out your career is done, and mine too. But I hate it. I hate being hidden, having to shy away from my love. And it hurts, hurts I can't embrace you in front of everyone. Kiss you like other straight couples do." As he spoke his voice began to quiver and he let go of all his feelings and worries. Tears began to leak from his eyes as his worries began to take over. 

As he continued to let his tears fall he felt himself shifted into Ayrton's arms. Still hidden in the darkness of the corridor, Ayrton held his love. He knew he couldn't say anything to comfort him but, "I love you. Don't ever doubt my love for you just because I can't show you off to the world yet." 

Lewis nodded against his shoulder and Ayrton felt some relief that he at least understood the situation. He too found it frustrating. The fact he  couldn't scream to the world how in love he was with this man. That the prejudice of the world blinded them from true forms of love. 

And there under the clandestine corner of the bar two lovers embraced. Forced to accept the reality of the world.

Chapter Text

The break couldn't come a better point. Both Ayrton and Lewis were exhausted from the strain of this year, and needed a break away from the whirlwind of races. 

What Lewis did not expect was to be invited to stay with Ayrton and his family. With Seb, he wasn't introduced to the parents until after nearly a year of dating. Yet Ayrton deemed him so important that only after 1 month, he was taking him to stay with his family.

Lewis' heart glowed at the knowledge that he wasn't hidden away from his partner's loved ones. That he was a key part of Ayrton's life that Ayrton wanted to share. As he relished in his happy thoughts he snuggled further into the tight arms that had wound themselves around him. 

It was the morning after the Canada GP. A calm, lazy morning spent enjoying the rare lie-in. Ayrton still sound asleep, Lewis let his eyes close as he drifted back off to sleep, content that he is already living his dream life. 

-line break- 

Ayrton watched as his boyfriend fretted about his appearance, tugging and readjusting small bits of clothing here and there. 

He smiled as he watched Lewis make a small nod of self approval, now used to his partner's antics. They were waiting at the private airport for Ayrton's family to pick them up. 

'They will love him I know it' he thought as he looked at Lewis adoringly, tightening his hand around the other's. In this moment Lewis turned to catch his eye, and a wide smile rose to his face. 

"I'm excited to meet them," said Lewis but the twitching also conveyed his anxiety. Parent's never normally liked him, even Seb's dad had kept a distant from him despite his efforts.

Lewis looked down as his nerves began to rise to the surface. Ayrton quickly noticed his boyfriend's shrinking demeanour, and swooped round. Gently, he lifted Lewis' head and gave him a simple peck on the lips, with a smile so genuine that Lewis felt all worry slip away.

"Amorzinho, they will love you." Said Ayrton in a confident voice. Lewis simply nodded in response just happy to have someone as supportive as Ayrton by his side. 

"My son!" A voice called from the side. The full family car had pulled up to the parking bay, and Ayrton quickly began making his way to his family. Ayrton was vibrating with happiness to be with his family, almost running to take his ma into his arms.

Lewis immediately recognised Ayrton's mum and brother, as he trailed behind Ayrton unsure on what to do or say. As he got closer, he felt something, or someone run straight into his legs. He looked down to see the doey brown eyes of young Bruno Senna staring up at him. 

Before Lewis could say anything, Bruno lifted his arms, not leaving any room for imagination on what he wanted. "You got it buddy," Lewis chuckled as he swiftly took the young boy into his arms. As he hoisted Bruno into his arms, the young boy immediately snuggled into his neck making Lewis' feel a rush of fondness.

'I miss my nieces and nephews back home.' He thought reminiscently as he gently carried the little tyke to the car.

Ayrton, realising Lewis was no longer beside him turned around frantically trying to see where Lewis had gone. And the sight he caught made his heart melt. Bruno had made himself home in Lewis' arms and Lewis was gently rocking him as he walked. 'That could be us one day with our own child,' daydreamed Ayrton as he was stuck fixated on Lewis.

Flavio, Ayrton's brother-in-law and husband to Viviane, too had noticed his son had run off to Lewis. 'Normally Bruno is very shy, yet he has gone to Lewis immediately,' he pondered as he got back into the car. 

"Our Bruno has a new friend it seems," his wife Viviane chimed on his side. "Children are a good judge of character they say." She added, knowing Flavio's current reservations on Lewis. 

"We shall see, we shall see," murmured Flavio as he watched Ayrton elatedly wrap his arms round Lewis and his son. He had never seen Ayrton as content as he is now. 'Maybe she is right.' He debated as he watched his brother-in-law and lover bask in each other's company. 

Soon, Lewis found himself in the car with Ayrton, his parents and little Bruno, who refused to leave Lewis' lap.

"Lewis," a small voice whispered. Lewis looked down smiling softly at the little boy already capturing his heart. "Yes sweetheart?" He replied, stroking his fingers through Bruno's hair. 

"Are you Uncle Ayrton's girlfriend? Pai said you and uncle are girlfriend and boyfriend. But is that possible when you are both boys?" Asked Bruno innocently. 

Lewis opened his mouth to answer when he heard another voice speak up. "Like how me and your grandma love each other, Lewis and your uncle are the same. They are in love and love can happen between anybody not just man and woman." Said Milton, smiling at Lewis as he spoke to reassure him that he was there to support him. 

"OK!" Exclaimed Bruno, who simply continued with his antics of using Lewis as his pillow. All while this interaction continued, Ayrton's mind had drifted off. His mind glued on the vision of Lewis and him, with their own child playing with his family. 

Lewis noticed Ayrton's distraction as he gently held the boy in his lap. He looked over inquisitively at Ayrton, curious to why he was smiling with a dazed look. With a gentle nudge, Ayrton was brought out of his dream like state, looking at Lewis. "You okay?" whispered Lewis. Ayrton felt the spike of affection run through him as he saw his love's concerned face.

"All okay amorzinho," he whispered in reply, gently taking Lewis' hand in his. He was so grateful to have this man in his life. 

‐line break- 

They soon reached the Senna House, Lewis withheld a gasp. It was a large villa in the mountain, sun shining from behind, illuminating it's grandeur. Lewis gently got out the car, arms full with a sleeping Bruno. Ayrton's parents noticed Lewis' awe.

Neyde spoke, "all because of our son we have this. And now you can enjoy it too. Welcome to our house." 

Lewis looked at them in gratitude, replied "Thank you for having me." She gently took him into her arms, leading him into the house. 

Ayrton watched as his parents quickly led Lewis into the house. He also noticed how his mai had already taken Lewis under her wing. Suddenly he felt a tap on his shoulder. 

"So Lewis seems to be a hit with the parents?" joked Leonardo, his younger brother, also looking at the his parents laughing with Lewis.

"And with Bruno it seems," added Ayrton, with Bruno still sound asleep in Lewis' secure arms.

More seriously, Leonardo turned to his brother, and asked "are you happy Ayrton?" He looked keenly into Ayrton's expressions, trying to sense any kind of wavering in his brothers face. Instead all he saw as a sense of peace and happiness as Ayrton replied simply, "I am." 

"Then that's enough for me to try like him." 

"When will you stop being so protective? I am 32." Complained Aryton, pouting slightly. 

"Never," chirped Leonardo, chuckling as a grumpy Ayrton shoved him as they walked into the house.

"Now Ayrton, Lewis, go upstairs to freshen and rest up. We will let you know when dinner is ready," ordered Neyde, knowing how tired her boys must be.

"Mãe.." started Ayrton. "Upstairs. You should rest and so should Lewis."

"Thank you Neyde," said Lewis gratefully, relieved to finally get some down time. He handed the sleepy Bruno to Flavio as he gathered his bags.

Ayrton gave a quick peck on his Mãe's cheek before guiding Lewis up, hand firmly planted on Lewis' back. Lewis gave a quick and sweet smile to Ayrton as the two lovebirds finally got some time alone.

-line break- 

“Alone time at last,” huffed Ayrton. As he moved to flop onto the bed, he suddenly tackled Lewis, pinning him underneath him. Lewis laughed at his boyfriend’s childlike actions, simply settling into the bed, happy to finally relax into the soft mattress beneath him.

“Did you just forget that 10 hour flight, or was I making that up?” retorted Lewis, amused at his boyfriend’s clinginess as Ayrton continued to cage him in his arms.

Ayrton gazed down at his boyfriend, continually amazed someone like him was his. Ayrton peppered small kisses across Lewis’ face, causing Lewis to wriggle away at the ticklish sensation. 

“C’mon baby, let’s go wash up. It was a long flight,” tried Lewis, slowly working his way out from under Ayrton. Just as Lewis was about to get up, Ayrton swooped him up into his arms, carrying him towards the bathroom.

Lewis gasped in surprise and could feel a blush taking over as he was embraced in Ayrton’s strong arms. “Your bath awaits my amorzinho,” teased Ayrton, looking down adoringly at Lewis. Lewis, embarrassed, ducked his head down further into his chest. “You just love to tease me don’t you,” he murmured mockingly angry. 

Immediately he felt a soft kiss on his forehead, “Can’t resist it. Your blush is too pretty,” teased Ayrton as he pushed open the door. 

As he set Lewis down, Lewis spoke again, “And I know more than one way to make you blush too.” Before Ayrton could reply, Lewis, with a cheeky wink, began stripping. Ayrton couldn’t stop the rose blush colouring his cheeks as he could only watch his boyfriend strip seductively in front of him. He stood frozen at the alluring sight in front of him, only able to watch as his boyfriend disappeared into the bath. 

“Told you I could make you blush,” yelled out Lewis jokingly, “So will you join me or not? Happy to have this beautiful bath to myself.”

“My love, if you think I will let you out of my sight after that little show, you are sorely mistaken,” replied Ayrton, as he quickly yanked off his clothes. 

-Line break- 

The next thing Lewis was aware of was the burnt sun rays entering the room. Mind still foggy, he ambled his way out of the bed. Careful not to disturb Ayrton, Lewis quietly exited the room to make his way downstairs.

As he got closer to the main living area of the house, the most wonderful smell floated in. “This smells heavenly,” he said out loud as he got closer to the kitchen.

“I am glad to hear that meu filho,” said Neyde as she exited the kitchen to place the freshly cooked food onto the dining table. 

“Neyde, please let me,” Lewis immediately offered, noticing the heavy dishes. Viviane gladly passed them, as she flittered back into the kitchen. Lewis felt his stomach rumble as the sight of the glorious dishes laid out.

“Call me Mãe. Come filho, let me show you how to make the household favourite dessert,” said Neyde, ushering Lewis into the kitchen. 

As Lewis entered, he felt the undertones of warmth permeate the room. Huge windows with garden doors allowing for maximum sunlight. He basked in the warm encompassing feeling, finally feeling a sense of belonging. Neyde and he chatted, rolling the little Bejinhos, while she retold all Ayrton’s childhood stories. 

Neyde looked at the man her son loves, and felt the same fondness begin to bury itself in her heart. His eyes were bright, laugh loud and he embraced her so easily, so willingly. ‘He is the man for my son, I know it,’ she affirmed, as she watched him diligently lay out the Bejinhos onto a tray. 

“Mãe?” she heard, her heart melting at the sound. She turned to see Lewis looking at her worriedly, “Mãe are you okay? You weren’t responding.”

“Filho, I am okay.” she brushed off, gently reassuring him. “Come let’s lay these out.”

-Line break - 

Ayrton blinked his eyes open. As he stretched, he looked around, confused at the empty space next to him. 

‘Where is Lewis?’ he thought, until he looked at the time.  ‘Puta! It’s so late already?’ 

He quickly scrambled out of the bed, tugging on the sweatpants and t-shirt. Running down the stairs, he heard the sweet chimes of laughter coming from the kitchen. 

Curious, Ayrton made his way towards the door. ‘What has Mãe laughing so much?’ he pondered. 

As he opened the door, he froze at the sight. Lewis was in the throws of telling a story, as he mixed the chocolate sauce. His mother stood next to him, listening and laughing intently as she helped add to the mixture. 

Seeing Lewis at the stove with his mother affected him in ways he didn’t think it would. The domesticity and the homely feeling made his heart race. ‘I want to see this everyday,’ thought Ayrton.

As he continued to look lovingly at his amor, he heard a chuckle behind him that broke him out of his trance. 

“I recognise that look Ayrton,” said his father, also looking fondly at the two lost in their own world. “It was the same look I had when I realised I wanted nothing more than to live with your mother forever.” At those words, Ayrton immediately looked back up at his father. 

“I am your father, I know everything.” teased Milton, amused at the blush now making his way onto his son’s cheeks. 

“You okay boys? Done admiring our beauty?” called out Neyde with a broad smile. Lewis stood beside her, laughing behind his hand, but Ayrton could also recognise the light peach tinge that covered his checks. 

With confidence, Ayrton walked up. Pulling Lewis into a back hug, “I have to appreciate beauty when I see it, no?” he replied, gently nuzzling into the junction of Lewis’ neck, subsequently sending a shiver down his spine.

“Pai! Uncle Ayrton and Uncle Lewis are being gross,” a small voice rang out in the kitchen. Bruno stared cheekily at the pair, mockingly sticking his tongue at them. Immediately Lewis broke out of Ayrton’s arm with embarrassment, while Ayrton huffed. 

“Don’t look too annoyed, irmao, you will get plenty of alone time later,” said Leonardo, thumping his older brother on the back. Annoyed, Ayrton shoved him back.

“No fighting boys!” yelled out Milton, “Come! Let's sit for dinner. Your mother and Lewis have tried very hard to make this delicious food.”

The whole family were soon seated, with Lewis next to Ayrton and Neyde on the other side. The table was a ornate dark wood piece, with beautiful cravings across the sides. Chairs were of the same wood, with the most comfortable cushioning Lewis had sat on. With the sun setting upon the room, the room was flooded with an orange blossom light, with lamps filling the remaining darkness. ‘This is what home feels like,’ appreciated Lewis in awe at the atmosphere. 

“I didn’t do anything Milton, it was all Neyde,” said Lewis, trying to push off any credit. 

“Filho, trust me. You were more than helpful, you single handedly made the soup,” insisted Neyde.

“He did?” exclaimed Ayrton, immediately reaching for the steaming minestrone soup. 

“First time I’ve ever seen Ayrton reach for something that isn’t meat,” joked Flavio, earning him a hit from his wife.

“Can’t you see you are making Lewis uncomfortable? Let your him finally eat some vegetables!” jokingly scolded Viviane, who winked at Ayrton who was gleefully ignoring them to taste the soup.

Lewis looked expectantly at Ayrton as he took his first mouthful. ‘Maybe he will hate it? I’ve never been a good cook, oh gosh, how can I even think he will like it?’ worried Lewis, as he could only watch.

“Lew,” began Ayrton, “This is amazing! How did you make these so flavourful?” he exclaimed, going for another spoonful. Lewis let out a large sigh of relief. “You really like it?” he asked in a soft voice. 

He felt Ayrton take his hand, stroking it softly. “It is delicious my love, and I am being unbiased here.” He affirmed. “Thank you,” murmured Ayrton, as he softly kissed Lewis’ nose.

“Pai! They are doing it again!” complained Bruno loudly, huffing at the affection. “Si Si mi filho, but that is what lovers do. So let them be,” said Flavio, the family this time allowing the two to have their sweet moment. 

They began digging into the food, with laughter and chatter throughout. The smile on Lewis’ face was enough for Ayrton to know that his amor was happy with his family and that was everything Ayrton could dream off. 

The evening rolled on, and soon little Bruno had to be taken upstairs. “Uncle Lewis, can you carry me?” asked Bruno, lifting his arms up. “Of course buddy. Let’s get you to bed hm?” said Lewis, gathering the small boy into his arms allowing him to snuggle tightly into his chest. 

As the two left, the adults all gathered into the parlour, whiskey and port laid out. 

“Lewis,” started Leonardo. Ayrton immediately turned to him curious. “Do you like him irmao?” asked Ayrton hesitantly. 

“He fits very well with the family. And he understands your work, your job better than anyone.” continued Leonardo. Ayrton felt the tension slowly release, but he knew something more was coming.

“But he is still a man. And I need you to promise me you will be careful Ayrton. You cannot afford any scandal at this rate,” Added in Flavio sternly. “I say this only for your benefit. You already have bias against you, so please do not give them anything more to use against you.” 

With a heavy heart, Ayrton nodded slowly. He knew that this was going to be a barrier but right now his family’s acceptance was enough. They heard Lewis approach and immediately let the negativity go. Right now they can only enjoy the time, and this worry was only for the future. 

“Everything okay?” asked lewis, noticing Ayrton’s slightly off demeanour. “Nothing amorinho, just worrying about the championship,” lied Ayrton, brushing off the comments. 

“Here take,” said Leonardo, handing Lewis a whiskey on the rocks. “Welcome to the family Lewis.” 

Smiling Lewis replied, “Thank you for accepting me and don’t worry I will keep this one in line when you can’t.” 

-line break - 

After a few whiskeys, everyone began to depart, with Ayrton being the most eager. “We are going to bed, Boi noite!” he said hurriedly, almost dragging Lewis out of the room.

“Ayrton!” shouted Lewis, appalled at his boyfriend’s impatience. Quickly yanking himself out his grip, he went to give a quick kiss to Neide and Viviane with hugs for Milton, Leonardo and Flavio. “Good night,” said Lewis as he went to finally join his keen boyfriend. 

As they made their way upstairs Ayrton could not help but grope Lewis’ fine arse. “Ayrton!” admonished Lewis. “Can’t you wait? You are so impatient.” 

As soon as they shut the bedroom door, Lewis found himself on his back with Ayrton holding him down. 

“Ayrton!” fought Lewis, straining out of Ayrton’s strong grip. But he could not, with Ayrton firmly pressing down onto him and a tightening his grip around his wrists. 

He felt soft kisses make its way down his neck, with a sharp bite. “I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting,” growled Ayrton. “Seeing you in that apron. When we are alone you are wearing that and nothing else.” 

Lewis let out a shuddering gasp at that thought just as Ayrton cupped his sex through his boxers. “I couldn’t stop thinking about it. How you would take me so well against the kitchen counter, how I would fill you up.” continued Ayrton, moving down to Lewis’ chest to play with his nipples. Lewis was at his complete mercy, unable to move away from the intoxicating pleasure as Ayrton continue to press his pleasure points. 

“I can see you getting so wet,” teased Ayrton. “I know you want that too. To be able to sit on my dick all day, filling you up, hm?” as he spoke, Lewis felt himself get harder, feeling himself grind against Ayrton, with the need for release rising. 

“Please, Ayrton, please,” pleaded Lewis, feeling the sexual tension reach its peak. “I need something, anything.” 

Suddenly Lewis felt Ayrton remove his full weight. Ayrton laid back boxers now off, stroking his cock proudly. “You want this?” asked Ayrton innocently. Desperate for some friction, Lewis nodded quickly. 

“I will give you what you want but if you want to cum today, it will only be from my cock understood?” demanded Ayrton, voice heady with arousal. Lewis nodded again, only to feel a slap on his thigh. 

“Words amorzinho,” said Ayrton, wanting to ensure fully that Lewis would be okay with this. “Yes fuck Ayrton please! I need your cock now stop teasing.”

Smirking Ayrton quickly took advantage of Lewis’ neediness, flipping him onto his back and finally removing his boxers. Grabbing the lube from the table, Ayrton eased a finger into him. Knowing he would still be a bit loose from last night, he worked a second finger in quickly, stretching him with efficiency.

Lewis meanwhile was a goner. The feeling of finally being filled and with Ayrton already hitting his prostate, he knew that he wouldn’t last much longer today.

“Ayrton, now,  please I won’t last!” urged Lewis, unable to take the delightful pressure building up quickly. Ayrton couldn’t help but to tease him by slowing the thrust of his fingers to only graze his prostate every so slightly. “Ayrton, please you can’t do this. Please, I’ve been good. Fill me up, claim me. I know you want this as much as I do,” begged Lewis, trying all he could to convince Ayrton to hurry up. 

“And you called me eager,” said Ayrton, nipping Lewis' lip teasingly before reaching for the condom. As he went to put it on, Lewis stopped him. “I am clean, you are clean. I want to feel you without it," said Lewis, who was embarrassed at the words that just flew out his mouth.

“Your wish is my command,” agreed Ayrton, quickly lubing himself before burying himself straight into Lewis. Without giving Lewis anytime to think, he began to move, thrusting shallowly in and out of the hot heat that encompassed him.

“Fuck... You feel so good..fuck,” ground out Ayrton, almost overwhelmed at the intensity of this feeling. Lewis held on tightly to his pillow as he moved his hips back to meet every thrust. The feel of Ayrton completely overtaking his mind and body, filling him so fully while hitting his prostate, which sent sparks down his spine. 

“Harder. I can take it, give it to me harder,” panted Lewis, wanting to feel the familiar heat build. At once, Ayrton gripped Lewis’ hips harder, pistoning his hips to further bury himself into Lewis. He pulled back Lewis onto every thrust, ensuring he had no room but to just take it 

“Look at you,” breathed Ayrton, fixated on the one below him. Holding Lewis onto his cock, not moving, Ayrton ground himself slowly into the tight heat. “Look at you, taking my cock so well. Leaking so much from just my cock.” Lewis could only whine in response, trying to get Ayrton to move with a small buck of his hips. “Nu-uh, you have to be patience my love. You take what I will give you.” reprimanded Ayrton, who only further taunted Lewis by staying completely still. 

“You love this so much. Look at you unable to stop yourself, ” he taunted but as he spoke he suddenly began to move again. Now determined to make Lewis cum, he finally picked up the pace and with renewed strength, fucked Lewis so hard that he moved Lewis was up the bed with ever thrust. 

Lewis had tears streaming down his face, moaning at the ferocity of the thrusts. He could feel his release coming, and with a broken moan wailed, “Ayrton, I am going to cum, please.” 

“Come Lewis, come for me bebe,” grunted Ayrton. He was also reaching his peak as he felt Lewis tighten around him. With a lewd moan, Lewis felt himself release, shooting all over his and Ayrton’s chest. Just as Lewis came, Ayrton felt himself released into the tight hole. Lewis quivered as he felt Ayrton’s hot release in him, blushing at how much he liked the feeling. 

Ayrton gently pulled out carefully, mindful of Lewis’ sensitivity. Lewis let himself bask in the afterglow, unable to move. “You okay mi amorinho?” asked Ayrton, concerned by Lewis’ silence, as he gently cleaned him. 

He heard a weak laugh accompanied by a soft swipe at his arm. “You fuck me within an inch of my life, and you ask if I am okay,” snorted Lewis, but gratefully snuggled into the arms that circled round his waist. They cuddled as the room was encompassed in the darkness of the night, feeling serenity take over.

“So I take that as a positive view of my performance,” joked Ayrton, as he settled into the warmth of the bed and his love. 

“Ayrton?” asked Lewis, voice beginning to fade as the tiredness set in. 

“Hm?” answered Ayrton.

“Thank you for bringing me to your home,” said Lewis

“It is our home now, Lew.” replied Ayrton. Lewis felt tears prick his eyes. He was overwhelmed by the acceptance and love he felt in these walls. Saying nothing, he simply burrowed himself further into the secure body next to him, praying to God that they could stay like this forever.

In the dead of the night, a wish was sent by two lovers who wanted nothing more than to always have the other by their side. But only fate would know. 

Chapter Text

“Amorzinho, get up. There is somewhere I want to take you,” said Ayrton, gently shaking his slumbering lover.

“mmph,” is all that exited Lewis’ mouth, as he rolled over to snuggle further into the warm bed.

“You leave me with no choice Lew,” warned Ayrton. At hearing those words, Lewis peeked up from under the duvet, but was too late as he felt it ripped from him. He shuddered at the cold, trying to curl up further in last ditch attempt to retain body heat.

“Aryton! Not fair!” whined Lewis, trying to enjoy his lovely lie-in. In defeat he simply raised his arms, indicating that he wasn't definitely not getting up willingly.

“You are definitely my bebe,” chuckled Ayrton as he hoisted Lewis into his arms bridal style. “We have somewhere to be and it cannot wait. Up we get,” explained Ayrton taking the two the bathroom.

“It better be worth it,” mumbled Lewis into Ayrton’s warm chest, already feeling his eyes close again with the comfort of his arms.

“Believe me it is,” declared Ayrton.

-Line break-

The two quickly headed downstairs, Ayrton physically dragging Lewis as they were going to be late.

“Ayrton, where are you rushing to so early in the morning?” yelled Neide as her son raced towards the door, with a half awake Lewis in tow.

“It’s a surprise Ma, I will tell you later,” replied Ayrton, “come Lew you will love it, and you can sleep in the car.”

He quickly got them into the car, and started driving them to their surprised treat.

Lewis felt himself drift back to sleep in the security of Ayrton's presence. After an hour, Lewis felt a soft kiss on his forehead waking him up from his sleep.

“Wake up Lew, we are here,” said Ayrton, a broad smile adorning his face. Lewis couldn’t help but smile back, despite his body’s protest for more sleep.

As he scanned around, he finally understood where they were. “A karting track?” asked Lewis in awe. It had been too long since he felt like a driver again.

“Yes mi amorzinho, karting.” said Ayrton smugly, encouraged by Lewis’ face of excitement.

Lewis without thinking, jumped into Ayrton’s arms, “I love it, how did you know?” squealed Lewis, looking forward to finally doing his one passion; racing.

“By instinct I guess,” said Ayrton humbly. “Come let’s go. I managed to get us this place for private for 2 hours. No-one here but us.”

With that, the pair headed inside to the race track. The gear was all lined up and the karts placed at the start finish straight. Ayrton headed to Lewis to explain the mechanics, but Lewis simply shook his head.

“Don’t worry I used to kart, I know how to. Might be a tad rusty though,” he said. ‘I haven’t raced since my past life, so definitely a bit rusty.’ he reminisced.

The two were suited and booted and ready at the finish line. Automatic timer set, the lights were on. And then it was lights out and away they go.

Ayrton and Lewis both got great starts, heading into the first corner side by side. Giving room, Lewis dummied Ayrton into overtaking through the inside, and with slipstream through the next straight dived back into the lead. With the next section being twisty, he continually hit the apexs building a lead, and crossed the finish line on the first lap, nearly 30 seconds in front of Ayrton.

Ayrton was shocked. He had expected Lewis to be good, but not this good. His race craft was impeccable and the fact he knew instinctively where to push and where to conserve his tyres. He pushed hard, wanting to attempt another overtake soon, but as soon as he increased his lap times, he saw Lewis increase his pace, matching him lap by lap. And it stayed that way for the first 10 lap race, with Lewis never relinquishing his lead.

Normally Ayrton would be upset or angry in the face of being beaten so soundly. But all he felt was awe and admiration. 'Lewis is so talented, he could easily take every guy in F1 right now,' thought Ayrton as they climbed out their karts for a break.

Lewis clambered out the kart, removing his helmet. His heart was singing as he was once again united with his true passion in life. ‘I felt so free, I felt.. So happy,’ thought Lewis, smiling ear to ear at just the feeling of racing again. He had missed the tension, the focus, the zone racing would bring him into.

Then he realised, he had just beaten his lover. Quite badly on top of that. He took a quick inhale as his anxiety began to take over. ‘Will he hate me now? Nico used to hate it when I won, and though Seb never said it, it hurt him that I beat him.’

He saw Ayrton come towards him, but with his worry overtaking his mind he failed to see Ayrton’s face glowing with happiness and love.

Lewis stuttered out to Aryton, “Ayrton, i am so..” but was cut off with Ayrton smashing his lips to his. He let himself melt into the passionate kiss, as his lover poured his love into it. ‘This is different, normally it would be so rough after I won. Yet this feels like he loves me for beating him,’ pondered Lewis, unable to comprehend what was going on.

“I love you,” panted Ayrton as he finally broke their kiss. Their eyes locked and Lewis could only see never ending love for him. His eyes welled up with tears at the realisation that he could be himself, he could win, and Ayrton loved him even more.

“Ayrton,” weakly let out Lewis, unable to convey his whirling emotions of relief, joy and love. He felt himself picked up and spun around by a very proud Ayrton.

“You were amazing. The way you dummied me at the beginning, it was so smart. I underestimated you and then I tried to pressure you the whole way but you matched me lap for lap with no mistakes! You are truly extraordinary, and you are mine,” rambled Ayrton.

“Well, time for round 2 now that you know what I am made of?” suggested Lewis cheekily, eyes now hardened with confidence and competitiveness.

“You are so on,” agreed Ayrton, now ready for the next fight.

And it continued, for 2 hours they raced continually. Best of 5, and Lewis edged it with 3 wins to Ayrton’s 2. With a mega overtake on the last lap to clinch the final win.

They collapsed as they finally exited the cars. Bodies sore but minds content. Cuddling up to Ayrton’s side, Lewis said, “Thank you for being the best thing to ever happen to me.”

Ayrton smiled further, tightening his holding onto Lewis, “Thank you for being the best thing to happen to me too.”

-line break-

They reached home, both sweaty messes but in time for lunch. Neide heard her two sons enter the house and yelled, “Straight to the showers you two! I can smell you from here.”

Chuckling both shouted back, “Yes Ma!”

They reached the bathroom, and Ayrton could not resist a quick nibble at Lewis’ neck. Lewis focussed elsewhere, quickly swatted him. “Ayrton! You will leave a mark!” he exclaimed. “What? It’s just the family.” reasoned Ayrton, already knowing that he had diffused the bomb.

“Let’s hurry, you dragged me without breakfast and all I can think about is food, not sex.” said Lewis bluntly, causing Ayrton to smother a laugh.

-line break-

They reached downstairs and quickly joined the rest of the family at the table for lunch. “We have chicken fajitas, and black bean fajitas for Lewis,” announced Neide.

As Lewis reached for a tortilla, he felt a small hand tugging his sleeve. “Yes Bruno?” asked Lewis, looking down curiously at the little boy. 

Eyes wide with innocence and in a not so quiet whisper, Bruno asked, “Why do you have a purple mark on your neck Uncle Lewis?”

At that every adult burst out in laughter, much to Lewis’ eternal embarrassment. His face had turned completely red and he could not think of an answer to reply with.

Luckily Milton quickly interjected, “It is just a small bruise Bruno, nothing to worry about.”

Meanwhile Lewis wanted to hide, but as he saw the family’s faces full of mirth, he couldn't help but also laugh. Gently patting Bruno’s head he said, “One day you will find out.”

With lunch finished, the family moved to the living room for some afternoon coffee. Settling down into the sofa, Neide inquired, “So where did you boys go this morning?”

“We went karting, I took him to the circuit just outside the city.” said Ayrton, sipping his coffee.

The family hummed in  acknowledgement. In response Leonardo joked, “I hope you didn’t go too hard on Lewis. Don’t want to create trouble in paradise.”

“Actually, Lewis beat me. We raced 5 races, 10 laps each. He won 3 to my two, with an amazing overtake at the end to win it.” revealed Ayrton, noticing the momentary shock in their faces. Lewis felt his cheeks heat up again at the attention.

“Lewis, it is no easy feat to beat my brother once. But 3 times? Tell me why you never entered karting or even formula 1?” exclaimed Leonardo, still amazed that Ayrton had been beaten by Lewis first time. It had rarely happened in karting.

Lewis took a deep in breath and began to explain his past, a past he had not experienced. “I was too poor, and my parents used to take me as a treat when I was young. But when they passed when I was only 7 there was no chance I could ever pursue my passion,” said Lewis solemnly, tears forming in the wells of his eyes. He quickly looked down, feeling the pain of never being able to reach his true dream in this life. He felt Ayrton’s hand squeeze his. As he looked up, he saw no pity but only supportive faces, in acknowledgement of the hard luck of his life.

“Oh my filho, come here,” spoke Neide. She felt so awful for her new son, that life was so unfair to him. She gathered him into her arms and said, “We are here now. We will support whatever dreams you have.”

Lewis looked around the room. He already had his dreams and did not want anything more.

“I am already living my dream Ma. My dream was to have a family again and you have given me the one thing I have always wanted. Thank you.” said Lewis gratefully, hugging Neide tighter.

“Oh my filho, you are going to make me cry again,” replied Neide, but heart warmed by the genuinity of Lewis’ words.

And with that the ice was completely broken, and a family bond formed.

-line break-

The week passed with little event. Lewis had gotten to know Ayrton’s family, with little Bruno taking a particular liking to him. It had now become a daily occurrence that Lewis would read Bruno a night time story, and it warmed the Senna family’s hearts.

It was a lazy Saturday, and with racing starting next week the family were preparing for the departure of the dear ones. It was incredibly hard for Lewis, and Ayrton could see this.

‘For the first time in years Lewis has felt family life, and now he has to return to the loneliness of everyday life,’ he thought as he looked out towards the hills from the balcony. The sun was setting on the Sunday evening, with Monday coming too fast for his liking.

“Mi Filho,” a warm voice chimed through the room. “Ma,” sighed out Ayrton, always grateful his mother chooses the best time to see him.

“What has made you unsettled? Everything went so well,” she reminded him. “I just.. It felt like paradise this week and now we have to return to the bustle of work life. I’ve never seen Lew so relaxed and carefree, and I don’t want that to change.”

Calmly, Neide wrapped her arms around her son’s body, cradling his body. Then she whispered, “We are always here Filho, and that won’t change. Life will always be moving, but family will be constant.”

“Thank you ma,” said Ayrton gratefully. ‘Back to the circus, but I have my Lew and that is all that matters.’

-line break-

Lewis sat on their bed, packing the remaining few pieces in time for their flight tomorrow. But he couldn’t help but reminisce on the week, sadness encompassing him as he realised he didn’t want to leave this paradise.

Lewis had never felt so loved and accepted into another’s family before. In his previous life, it was always his family against the others. No one wanted him in their circle. But Ayrton’s family… WIth all their hearts took him in and made him part of the family. Vivian and Neide helped teach him new recipes while retailing all the family stories. Milton and Leonardo discussed football and the current affairs, while providing further guidance on the political ball game that is F1. He couldn’t be more grateful for the opportunity and fortune he had.

And then there was little Bruno. Bruno with his childlike enthusiasm accepted him wholeheartedly. The little boy’s presence lit up Lewis’ heart, while further increasing his own desire for his own child one day. ‘And with Ayrton by my side,’ he sighed dreamily, as he sat down staring into space.

At that moment, Ayrton entered the room to see his love lost in his thoughts. Gently, he moved next to him, wrapping his arms around Lew, pulling him into his chest. “I know Lew, but we will be back very soon my love.” reaffirmed Ayrton, reading Lewis’ mind. Simply nodding, Lewis buried his face further into the warmth surrounding him, taking in the all encompassing feelings of security and love.

-line break-

Lewis and Ayrton forced themselves out of the car, both holding back tears as they have to return to the track. Neide was crying, spurred by little Bruno’s cries for Lewis.

"Uncle Lewis you have to promise to come back okay!” the little boy screamed at Lewis, as the pair headed to the airport entrance. Before Leonardo could stop him, Bruno jumped out his arms running towards Lewis. Quickly crouching down to catch his little one, Lewis tightly hugged him. “I promise Bruno, I will come back,” said Lewis, stroking the boys hairs soothingly as he let him cry against him.

“Pinky promise?” asked Bruno, staring up with red rimmed eyes sniffling. “Pinky promise,” affirmed Lewis. He gently carried the boy back to his parents, giving another quick kiss to Vivianne and Neide, before rejoining Ayrton.

Ayrton’s heart swelled at the sight. The fact his boyfriend was so loved by his family only further enriched his love for him.

Ayrton discreetly entangled his hand with Lewis’. 'Time to face the world again,' they thought as they boarded the plane headed to England to prep for the next gp.

Chapter Text

Thrown back into the intensity of F1 life, Lewis thrived. He loved the job and the challenge it brought. Yes, realistically Mclaren were not going to be able to reverse the lead, but they will try their very best. And that’s what he lived for, the fight.

It was Friday, the busiest time for engineers and drivers alike. Ayrton and he were working in sync, fine tuning the car the best they could in time for the race. It was already 12am, and Lewis could feel the tiredness begin to set in.

Ayrton looked up from his data in time to catch Lewis hiding a yawn. They were the only two left in the garage. Gently, Ayrton spoke, “It is late Lew, let’s go.”

“But you haven’t finished your work,” tried Lewis, but could not prevent another yawn escaping his lips. Guilty he admitted shly, “I guess I am a bit tired.”

Ayrton felt his heartbeat pick up as he watched a light blush dust over Lew’s cheeks.

“Come Lew, let’s go back. Tom will also be waiting,” urged Ayrton tenderly, packing up his stuff. Lewis nodded, knowing he was too tired to go on longer. Gently Ayrton helped Lewis up, a calm silence between them as they let the long day settle in.

Looking around quickly for any wandering eyes, Ayrton pecked Lewis on the lips, enjoying his squawk of fear and embarrassment. In a hurried whisper, Lewis admonished him, “Not here! It is too dangerous for you and me.” With that Lewis hurried off to the hotel leaving Ayrton alone to admire his lover.

‘And all I want to do is declare to the world you are mine. One day I will.’ he thought as he jogged after his lover, who continued to scurry away from him.

“Lew, come back!” he shouted after him. “Go away!” was his reply.

-Present-

George Russel was leading the championship, but both Max and Charles were only a point away each. It was the French GP, a dominant playing ground for the Merc team. He was chatting with Bono, when he noticed Bono’s gaze drift out of focus. He had seen this a lot in recent races. George would say something, and it would set Bono off into the past. It by no means impacted Bono’s job, but really made George’s heart ache for the team that had lost a family member.

Letting him have his moment, he gently said to Bono, “let’s do the rest later, I want to rest.” Bono smiled gratefully up at the young lad, glad to have a moment to himself.

Sighing, George went to his driver’s room and quickly dug into his bag to take out the book that he found gave him the most solace in the roughest of days. With gentle hands, he stroked Lewis’ notebook, and flipped open a random page. To his surprise it flipped right to the French GP. 'That is you isn’t Lew, giving me a sign?’ mused George as he quickly began to dive into the page.

‘-and when taking the apex of turn 1, it is most important to scan for opportunities but mostly crashes. The run-off allows drivers to go a bit wild, so most important to be cautious. If you have the ability and the car, turn 1 will not be the only overtaking spot for you in the race.’

And with that, George found his motivation renewed - slow and steady wins the race. Well fast and steady in this case. ‘Lew, you continue to guide me, but I wish I could hear this from you in person and not from a book.’ thought George sadly, as he bowed his head in his arms, tears dripping as he also let himself grieve for the mentor figure he lost.

-french gp 1992-

They had prepared hard for this race, and Ayrton was ready for his fight back. He was starting third so had a good opportunity to gain a place or two at the start, but he knew better to be cautious than cause a DNF.

The lights go out and the race is underway. Ayrton sighs, his getaway wasn’t too good with Berger getting him at the start. This had thrown him off track and as he turned into the Adelaide hairpin he felt himself get hit from behind. Unable to stop the momentum, he could only remain a passenger as Schumacher’s zealous overtaking attempt ruined his race. ‘I cannot fucking believe this!’ he raged as climbed out of his car.

Lewis looked on from the garage, upset at the events but knowing this is racing. ‘Ayrton is going to be angry, I will need to calm him down before he tries to confront Michael.’ As he looked around he could see Ayrton’s figure enter the garage. Inconspicuously, he moved to Ayrton and whispered, “meet me out back. Let’s go for a walk.” Seeing a slight nod in response, he left the garage.

Ayrton sighed, but even just being with Lew calmed his anger. It still simmered beneath the surface but he didn’t feel the burn to release his rage against the world. Quietly, he said to the team, “I am sorry to let you down. I am going to take a break to cool off.” before stalking off to follow his love away from the F1 world.

Kicking the ground, Lewis held two cups of steaming coffee. ‘How do I comfort him? He will be so angry, and I don’t know how to calm him down.’ he pondered as he paced. Lost in his thoughts, he felt arms suddenly wrap around his midriff. He would have jumped, but he knew the feel of the arms around him and the musky smell that made him dizzy.

He let himself relax, and as he was about to open his mouth, he heard “Just one more minute.” Ayrton’s voice was strained and almost inaudible. “One more minute, let me hold you.” he heard again and he let him. In their own pocket of their world, under the large shaded tree, Lewis let Ayrton take comfort from him in his time of need.

“Love, I am sorry,” was all Lewis could let out as he stroked Ayrton’s hand in his, finally able to disentangle from his hold. “It is not your fault, it is that rookie’s,” spat out Ayrton, as if he was spitting out fire on the poor rookie.

Firmly, Lewis spoke, “Ayrton. Look at me please.” obeying Ayrton looked into Lewis’ kind eyes. “This is racing and this is his first season. You made these mistakes as well, so don’t be hard on him okay?” he advised, urging him silently to let go of the day. Taking a deep sigh and realising Lewis was right, “Fine. But he needs to know he cannot do that in the future.” he replied grumpily, sulking that Lewis wouldn’t let him vent.

Lewis chuckled. Patting Ayrton on the head, “Yes my dragon, I won’t let you burn the poor rookie alive. Now come, let's have a walk to get all your anger out.” As Lewis attempted to drag him away, Ayrton quickly tackled him back into his arms, bending to whisper hotly into Lewis’ ear “There is another more effective way of getting my anger out, let’s go back to the hotel.”

“Mr Senna, are you propositioning me in the middle of the day? We have to go back to the garage and if you behave, I may come stay with you tonight. Deal?” bargained Lewis, not giving in to Ayrton’s whims. “Lew, you are so mean to me,” pouted Ayrton but giving in nonetheless.

“Now walk Mister..” ordered Lewis, laughing at Ayrton’s puppy face.

-line break-

Out back away from the cameras and the garage, a seething Michael Schumacher paced.

“Fuck!” screamed Michael. He was seething, so frustrated at his own folly. “If I was just a bit more patient, I could have avoided the collision.” And then he remembered, ‘I also took Senna out of the race. Oh god, I am going to have an angry Senna after me. Fuck.’

He collapsed onto the ground, head between his knees as he tried to calm himself down. Sniffling, he wiped the falling tears from his eyes, self pity swallowing him. He rushed up, he is a F1 driver, he can’t be seen as so weak. Michael quickly wiped his tears and moved to get back to the garage. He needed to comfort his team.
As he walked round the bend, he spotted that figure. That man that hasn’t left his thoughts in weeks, the one he looks for as he passes the Mclaren Garage. ‘It’s pathetic. How can I like a man who I barely know,’ scoffed Michael.

But he couldn’t help but watch as Lewis and Ayrton walked, chatting so lightly with an air of indifference to the world. ‘Almost as if they are lost in their own world,’ thought Michael, observing the pair.

Just as he was staring, Lewis turned to see Michael looking, almost longingly, at them. Seeing Lewis’ gaze drift, Ayrton’s eyes followed to spot Michael’s lone figure. He felt anger prick beneath his skin, feeling the rage return. Before he could storm up to him, he felt a calming hand on his shoulder and saw Lewis’ figure approach the youngster.

Michael stood like a deer frozen in the headlights. Lewis was coming towards him, his completely irrational crush was actually approaching him. ‘Why? What’s he going to say? Is he mad? He doesn’t look mad though,’ all types of questions flew around in his head until he heard that chiming voice.

“Are you okay?” asked a concerned Lewis, who looked at a starstruck Michael. Ayrton stood still, he couldn’t work out what Lewis was doing.

“I… okay. I mean I am okay,” stuttered out Michael, unable to stop the blasted blush covering his check. Lewis smiled a sunny smile that made both Michael’s and Ayrton’s heart skip a beat.

Lewis quickly turned and gestured to Ayrton to come join them. Ayrton followed, confused on what Lewis’ plan was.

“I want you two the clear the air before this escalates. I will be over there, and will let you talk. If I see anyone throwing hands, I will intervene. Okay?” said Lewis, providing his ultimatum. Ayrton and Michael both looked at him with pleading eyes. ‘You can’t -” “Lew what -”

“Nope. You will talk this out and that’s final. I’m going there,” pointing in the other direction.

As Lewis walked away, all Ayrton and Michael could do was stare at each other. As Ayrton moved to open his mouth, Michael blurted out, “I am sorry.”

This caught Ayrton off guard, he was prepared for a feisty driver not ready to accept his mistake. ‘Like a young me,’ he realised.

Clearing his throat after an incredibly awkward silence, “it’s okay, Mistakes happen. Just.. uh try to be more careful in where you overtake next time.” replied Ayrton. Michael simply looked at him wide-eyed.

Ayrton wanted to rage, be intimidating, show the rookie how mad he could get. But all he could focus on was Lewis’ words, “you did this once too.”

Sighing, Ayrton clapped Michael on the shoulder in a comforting way and walked back towards his lover who was waiting anxiously. Michael continued to stand rooted.

‘This is not the Ayrton that the press show? The passionate f1 driver with a temper to match?’ thought Michael, still perplexed at the civil nature in which Ayrton addressed him.

‘And it is all due to him.. Lewis,’ he concluded as he watched Ayrton lean towards Lewis in an endearing manner. And there it was. That smile that set off fireworks in Michael’s heart.

“How do I get close to him? When Ayrton never leaves him alone,” muttered Michael as he watched the pair walk away. Dejectedly he disappeared back to the Jordan garage to stew over his weird but painful day.

-line break-

As Ayrton walked up to him, Lewis could only sigh in relief. ‘So we have now avoided the famous Senna-Schumacher confrontation of 1992’ he laughed as he watched a pinched Ayrton come towards him.

“Well done. That wasn’t too hard was it?” teased Lewis as Ayrton continued to pout.

“I didn’t roast the rookie, and held back because of you. Now do I get my prize?” joked Ayrton, nudging close to Lewis. Lewis laughed, the sound ringing through the air.

Turning to him, Lewis declared “Well, if you get your work done quick enough. I will give you your prize.” Winking, he left Ayrton alone again, running towards the garage.

‘That man will be the death of me,’ chuckled Ayrton, looking up at the glittering sky as he walked calmly back to the garage.

-line break-

Night had befallen the track, a tranquil lethargy overcoming the paddock as teams trickled out to call it a weekend. One by one garages went dark with engineers and drivers alike calling it a day.

Stood alone under the veil of the dim lamp stood Michael. Looking serenely at the moon, disappointment of his mistakes still sore. Sighing, he moved to go when he spotted him. Lewis stood there, merely a few feet away. The moon encompassed him wholly, making him glow like an angel.

Without thinking, Michael’s feet drew him to the lone figure. “Excuse me?” asked Michael, wary of Lewis’ reaction to a competitor coming towards him.

“Michael?” queried Lewis, “You are here late.” he commented.

“I could say the same,” chuckled Michael, immediately confused at how at ease the man before him makes him feel.

“Waiting for Ayrton, thought I’d get some fresh air after years of debrief,” joked Lewis, watching curiously as Michael let out a full bodied laugh.

“Indeed. I wanted to um.. Say thank you for today. For calming Ayrton down and encouraging us hard headed bulls to be sensible,” said Michael earnestly, truly grateful for the other’s presence in his life.

Lewis smiled genially, “Don’t sweat it. I just reminded him, he was a rookie once too,” patting Michael on the shoulder that sent tingles down his arm.

“Let me thank you, properly please,” Michael almost begged, not wanting his one opportunity to get close to Lewis slip.

He was even more confused by the desperation in Michael’s voice, sensing the true loneliness he must be feeling in this can of pressure that is F1. Lewis knew what it was like to feel alone in the paddock, often feeling that way for most of his F1 career.

“Okay. Next race let’s grab dinner or a drink?” agreed Lewis not wanting to further upset the rookie but also intrigued in Michael’s trusting disposition towards him.

Michael couldn’t believe it. He said yes. This was his chance. Without thinking, he grabbed Lewis in a hug, almost yelling a “thank you,” before scuttering away in half disbelief, half excurberation. Lewis chuckled, “ah youth,” he muttered before letting another smile dawn his face. Towards him walked a yawning Ayrton, almost tripping over his feet.

“Come my love, let’s head back now,” said Lewis calmingly as he led his boyfriend towards the car. Ayrton could barely keep his head up, immediately slumping into the car seats as they sat.

Under the darkness, Lewis soothingly rubbed his hand. ‘You worked hard today, now rest,’ he said silently as he stared at the slumbering figure as the car rattled towards the hotel.

“Onto the next one,” whispered Lewis, eyes still locked with the glowing moon, a symbol of new starts in this life.

Chapter Text

“AND CHARLES LECLERC WINS THE 2022 BRITISH GRAND PRIX!”

“A superlative drive that matches one of the Late Sir Lewis Hamilton.”

The words of praise kept streaming but the last thing Charles wanted to hear was praise. Last thing he wanted was to hear the ugly words that he was as good as Lewis. He wasn’t, Lewis was superior in every way and a better man that Charles could ever be.

He wanted to scream to the world that he was the reason that Lewis died. Finally feel some consequences, some pain for the immeasurable heartbreak he has caused everyone. He was the reason Lewis had died, the reason why Seb never smiles anymore, the reason why George lost a mentor, the reason why Mercedes lost a family member.

He hated his silent guilt. A guilt that continued to eat him up inside, despite all efforts to banish it. In the end he accepted his wrongs, but even acceptance didn't ease his mental torment.

Every night, his dreams haunt him. He sees Lewis reach out to him on the cliff and everytime he gets close, Lewis falls away and his scream jolts him awake.

‘Lewis, I never even got to say sorry, to say I was wrong, to say… to say… I wish I was you.’ lamented Charles, as he crouched down by his pedestal. Max beside him noticed Leclerc’s turmoil, and his ears pricked as he heard Charles whisper in a broken voice, “I am so sorry Lewis.”

Max froze, unable to hear Lewis' name without the onslaught of pain hitting him. Anger quickly rose like a volcano inside and his eyes flared ready to pounce onto his target. But the world is watching and he knew Lewis taught him better.

He lifted his head and walked away - letting Charles sit in his misery.

Charles never thought of consequences, life was too short he thought, but now he realised regrets always catch up. But here he was - sitting on the British GP podium, holding the Hamilton Trophy, unable to breathe because the guilt was drowning him.

Without thinking, he ran, ran as fast as he could. Everyone was in shock, unable to understand where Charles was going.

Meanwhile, Bono and Toto sat in silence in the garage. George did well, a solid P4 with Bottas in P5. But the F1 world was getting the most out of the death of their dear friend. Continuous F1 specials, interviews, and large billboard pictures all centred around their Lewis.

But they just wanted peace - this GP filled with so many amazing memories with Lewis, now agonising the team. Before anyone could say anything, a frantic Charles appeared in their garage.

Toto then finally lifted his head, confused at the sight of the race winner coming to their garage. Until they saw Charles sink to his knees, head bowed.

“I am sorry!” screamed a heart wrenched and emotionally exhausted Charles. “I am so sorry. I am the reason you are all in pain, why you lost family, why Lewis is no longer here.”

Tears streamed down heavily as he continued to plead, “Please, please forgive me. Please forgive me for hurting you in the way I have. I would beg 1,000 times over if I could go to Lewis. But… I couldn’t apologise until it was too late. I was a coward, I didn’t want to accept my blame. But I know now, I know how wrong I was. Please - “

Charles breathed impossibly quicker with the onslaught of an anxiety attack. He could only hear Lewis' gentle laugh and smile around Seb, mind attacked with memories of Lewis laughing, celebrating, of him alive.

His jealousy of such a perfect couple drove him to his decision to seduce Seb. His own loneliness and failure in love had motivated him to break the person he thought could not be broken. ‘Oh Lewis, I never saw your struggle, I didn’t see how human you really were.’

Lewis, who always gave Charles advice. It was Lewis that defended him again and again to the media. It was Lewis that comforted him after his embarrassing Monaco crash.

And how did he repay him? Charles broke him… he had hurt his friend in a way that he could never recover.

As the thoughts continued to flow round, Charles' thorny guilt further wrapped around his heart, tightening until he could feel sharp pains in his heart. His breathing immediately stopped and he bowed even deeper.

“- Charles,” said Toto finally, breaking the Mercedes garage out of their trance. The whole garage was in shock at the pain the little boy was in. Toto got up and made his way to the tiny lad on his knees, gently bringing him up to his feet.

“This was probably something I should have told you a long time ago, something that perhaps my own anger at you prevented me from telling you. Lewis forgave you, he was not mad at you.” calmly spoke Toto, eyes honest as Charles’ breath hitched as he was unable to believe his ears.

“He forgave you Charles; he did not blame you for his pain or his struggle. He told me to tell you not to blame yourself, that you are a bright star in F1 that will continue to take F1 to new heights. So Charles, learn from these lessons and move forward okay?” wisened Toto, finally realising the pain that Charles had been in for all these months. And with that, he gently wrapped his arms around the shell shocked boy.

Unable to speak, Charles mutely nodded before collapsing into Toto’s arms, the knowledge finally settling the own demons in his mind. ‘How were you so loving Lewis? Please teach me how to be so compassionate as you were,’ asked Charles, mind finally at peace for the first time since Lewis’ passing.

“You always knew what to say Lewis,” thought Toto as he visibly noticed the young lad calm and breathing finally even out.

As bridges were amended and demons banished, the sky sparkled a stunning medley of pink and orange, with the last glimmers of the setting sun settling over the paddock.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Max had spotted the distraught Charles running towards the Mercedes garage and was unable to quench his curiosity, so followed him.

He stopped in his tracks as he took in the sight in front of him. A worn out Charles, crying in Toto’s arms, as the rest of the Mercedes crew were in tears and had folded into themselves.

Max was stunned at the outpour of emotion he was witnessing. George looked over at the doorway and noticed Max’s still figure. He walked towards him, and gently gestured for him to follow him. Max nodded and followed George’s solemn figure outside, still unable to understand what was going on, his anger at Charles still simmering under the surface.

“Charles came into our hospitality in tears - unable to hold in his guilt any longer.” stated George, both looking out towards the track from the hospitality balcony. The bustle of the paddock continued, but for them time felt like it had gone still. Like time was continuing, but they were frozen.

“We forgave him Max, it is what Lewis wanted,” said George with finality. “And I think it is time you did too. We all lost a dear figure, but if Lewis forgave him, I can too.”

With that, George gave Max a comforting pat on the back, while Max continued to stare into the distance.

‘I guess it is time I let go of my anger Lew. But, I’m scared.. I’m scared if I stop being angry… I will forget about you,’ he thought tearfully. He didn’t want to stop being angry, if he stopped it meant he truly had to accept Lewis was gone and … that Max could not try to make it up to him anymore.

Being angry at Charles allowed Max to still feel he was helping his friend, that by being angry he could still cling onto his existence in his life.

“I don’t want to let you go, I don’t want to stop being angry at the world for you because it would mean I will have to really accept that you left on your own terms. Lew, why did you do this to me! Why did you leave me like this!” choked out Max as he couldn’t contain his own feelings.

“Oh Maxie. Come here,” spoke a soft voice as Max felt himself dragged into a hug, cowering in those strong arms as he folded into himself.

“He will never leave you, he is always there in your heart. Don’t forget that Maxie,” gently whispered Dan as he felt his boyfriend’s breathing slow.

‘He is right, you are always with me Lew, and I will continue to honour your memory. But I guess I know I have to accept that you are happy being away from here,’ mused Max as he let himself fall into a comfortable haze.

As they silently made their way back to their hospitalities, everything froze around each driver as they heard a very familiar voice speak.

“You will continue to make me proud. Keep pushing and remember I will always support you guys.”

Max’s heart stopped as he looked at Daniel in panic, thinking his head had truly lost itself. But he saw Dan’s eyes glistened over as he too was in shock.

“I am sorry I left you guys so early, but remember to be happy before anything else. We will meet in another life.”

In a trance, all the drivers had migrated to meet in the pitlane. Emotions teemed as they openly cried and smiled in joy to hear their champion’s voice. Media and teams alike were confused at the sudden outburst of emotion.

“And we won’t forget you Lewis. We will make you proud,” they promised as one.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

British GP, the jewel in his crown. Where he won 8 times, on three wheels. Where his heart truly became one with the track.

It was the crack of dawn and as he walked past Becketts, he felt the wave of nostalgia hit him. He really missed the guys - the other drivers, his team.

Unaware of the slight opening up of the sky and the illuminating glow that now surrounded him, Lewis spoke out loud to his past, “You will continue to make me proud. Keep pushing and remember I will always support you guys.”

He felt himself choke up slightly as he understood the pain he must have caused them, “I am sorry I left you guys so early, but remember to be happy before anything else. We will meet again one day.” The people he will meet in this life may not be them, but he can’t wait to guide them down their paths in the future.

As he finished speaking he felt a little light headed. 'Why did that feel so exhausting?'. Then a warm feeling rushed through him, almost like an embrace during a cold day. He swore he heard their voices, but could not make out the faint words.

He continued his path, unaware of fate smiling down at him. “Your heart and love for those around you is always felt Lewis,” said Fate as continued to look after her child.

Lewis shrugged it off and continued to head back to the hotel. His mind was in disarray with a lump stuck in his thoughts, and an undercurrent of regret lacing his heart.

But those feelings were swept away at the sight awaiting him in the hotel room. Ayrton, deep in his sleep, turned on his front. During the night, the duvet had slipped down lower and lower to treat Lewis to the sight of Ayrton's sinewed back. He felt his heart stop and heat rise to his face as all sorts of thoughts ravaged his imagination. But the most overwhelming feeling was not his attraction but the sense of homecoming as soon as he spotted Ayrton.

Anxiety and sadness no longer followed him like a shadow. With Seb, the trauma of his relationship with Nico followed him at every turn, feeding into his continued self-doubt and depression. But for the first time in years the shackles had been dropped and he lived with his full heart and soul.

Lewis gently traced his fingers over Ayrton's side profile, watching the small scrunch in his nose in reaction. Fondness glowed in his heart as he slipped back into the bed, surrounding himself in Ayrton's arms - his safe space in this world.

Sighing happily, he closed his eyes and let himself succumb to the drowsiness.

+++++++++

Ayrton blearily blinked his eyes open, a new sense of calm set into his body. As he continued to adjust his eyes, he felt the warm body next to him. He further pulled the sleeping figure into him, snuggling in further into Lewis' neck.

The feel of Lewis against him was like no other. Every touch point felt alight and having him in his arms made him feel he could do everything in this world.

Despite wanting nothing but to stay in bed with his love in his arms, he knew work needed to be done. It was already 8am, and they had a morning debrief at 9am ahead of the first practice.

'No how do I wake this sleepy head up with getting slapped hard?' Pondered Ayrton, subconsciously rubbing his arm which had been a victim many times before.

A light bulb went off, and sneakily Ayrton began to trail kisses down Lewis' neck. 'Seduction always works' Ayrton cheekily smiled to himself as he felt Lewis begin to stir.

Groaning miserably, Lewis mumbled, "You are such a cheat. Let me sleep a bit more,"

"Nope mi amorzinho, it is already 8.10am and we need to eat and get to the debrief," said Ayrton, no compromise was going to be given.

Lewis tried to ignore reason, but then he felt Ayrton tickle his sides. Knowing all his weak points, Lewis was deduced to a squirming wreck.

"You… You..ah.." Lewis tried to say.

"I warned you, up we get or I will continue," threatened Ayrton, a smirk dorning his handsome face.

"Okay! I wave the white flag, let me up at least," let out Lewis, exhausted from the intense tickle session.

In victory, Ayrton gently brought Lewis up into his arms and sweetly hummed out, "Good morning Lew," subsequently kissing his lips.

Pacified by the flow of affection, Lewis smiled back, "Morning Ayrton,".

And then the morning began, with Lewis rushing his breakfast and Ayrton and Tom laughing at his struggle.

The f1 weekend had truly begun and they were ready to take it on once again.

++++++++++

The debrief went smoothly but still a sense of unknown on the car and if it will perform.

Ayrton was still in discussion with the strategy department and Tom had disappeared, so Lewis was left by himself.

'Hm guess I'll go wander round,' thought Lewis, eager to revisit the track that had brought him so many of the highest points of his previous life.

Just as he exited the garage, he bumped into a figure.

"So sorry mate, you okay?" Apologised Lewis.

A cheeky voice spoke, "it is okay, just a bit bruised. You have a strong hit"

Lewis sighed in relief at the voice, instantly grateful at the easy atmosphere it brought on. "Michael, how are you?"

"I am all good, preparing hard for this weekend so let's see." Replied Michael, trying hard to be nonchalant but unable to prevent the large smile that took over his face.

Then Lewis remembered. He quickly blurted out "Ah the dinner! We can do it tonight if you want? There's a nice place nearby the track or we can eat in the hotel."

Michael was a bit starstruck. 'He remembered about it. I can't believe it'.

“Sure, anywhere! How about at the hotel restaurant around 8pm?” rushed out Michael, the unbearable blush making his way back up. Michael, aware of the heat rising to his face, “Sorry it’s very hot out here, so I am turning unbearably red,” he coughed out.

Lewis laughed, the jingle sending a tingle down his spine. Michael was enthralled by him, eyes lovestruck at the sight. He quickly shook himself out of it, hyper aware of how pitiful he must look.

Turning back, Michael ran off shouting, “I’ll see you tonight!”

Lewis stared back, amused by his antics. ‘It will be nice to finally meet Michael in his youth, a future world champion indeed.’ he mused. As he walked back, he heard a voice speak, “that kid’s in love with you.”

Lewis jumped, not expecting Tom’s voice to speak out of nowhere.

“Tom, fuck! You scared me man,” said Lewis lightheartedly. Tom continued to stare him down, eyes hard with a defensive stance.

“Lewis,” spoke Tom in a solid tone, causing Lewis to look at his friend. “I was not kidding, this kid is in love with you. You need to watch out.”

Lewis scoffed, ‘you are overthinking it man.’ pushing his way past Tom, but Tom held him. still.

“Lewis he looks at you like how you and Ayrton look at each other. You need to tell the kid you are with Ayrton before he tries to make a move and cause problems in your relationship,” reiterated Tom who was exasperated by his friend’s blind eye.

Hearing the seriousness in his friend’s voice and mind now panicking at the thought of anyone coming between him and Ayrton, he agreed. “I will tell him tonight. I will lay the boundary. I won’t ever put Ayrton through what I had to go through,” he gulped down the anxiety that washed over him, the clench of his heart as the past rammed back into his mind.

Tom immediately saw the oncomings of a panic attack, and he regretted being so harsh with his friend. Taking him into his arms, “You are nothing like those bastards Lew. I never meant to imply this, I am just worried as you don’t seem to notice his infatuation with you.”

Lewis nodded mutely as he calmed himself, remembering all the sweet moments between him and Ayrton. ‘He is right. The kid seems too eager to see me for simply a friend,’ he concluded, determined to draw the line for the sake of his happiness.

And with that the two best friends walked back to continue with the busy day ahead.

-line break-

The evening sun soon set upon the paddock and though everyone seemed to be talking to him, Lewis was zoned out, sitting on the stack of old tyres outside the garage. ‘I need to find Ayrton to tell him about the dinner, so he doesn’t get the wrong idea,’ thought Lewis, determined to ensure his lover does not worry about loyalty.

“Babe,” whispered Ayrton, who had seemingly popped out of nowhere from his driver’s room, “Shall we go eat?”

“Ah Ayrton, I am sorry. I said I'll have dinner at the hotel with Michael today. Is that okay?" Asked Lewis, his voice trimmering at his nervousness.

Ayrton stilled. He wasn't expecting this and he could feel the flames of jealousy rising again. 'I don't need to be jealous. I trust him and I am the person he comes home to,' he reminded himself, but yet this did little to extinguish the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

But he sucked them down, and smiled gently, "of course. I'll see you back in our room." Giving Lewis a quick kiss to the forehead, he ran off before he said something he would regret.

Lewis was left dazed. 'Ayrton understood.. Yet why could he not even look me in the eyes right now? Something doesn't feel right.'

Looking at the time, Lewis quickly ran as he would be late, subsequently burying those thoughts for now.

-line break-

Michael was nervous. Hands shaking, face unable to swipe the ridiculous smile. He had made sure to wear a form fitting Ralph Lauren shirt with dark blue chinos that showed off his athletic figure and long legs.

He made sure to get a secluded table to give them privacy. It was already 8.05pm and he couldn't help but glance at the doorway every second for the person he longed to see. And there he was, his face slightly flushed and eyes wide as they tried to find the table. Lewis was in simple jeans and a t-shirt, but he looked divine. He has his braids in, a couple strands framing his face.

Michael could feel his heart beating faster as he watched Lewis come towards him. Quickly he got up to pull out Lewis' chair, who laughed at his excessive gentlemanly behaviour.

As they finally got seated, Lewis looked towards the young lad, who continued to have the brightest smile on his face. Apologetically Lewis said, "Sorry I am late. I got caught up with the team and Ayrton."

Michael shook his head, quick to reassure Lewis." It is fine, it was only five minutes."

"But you are German, surely this means I'm nearly an hour late right?" Joked Lewis, remembering Seb's almost mechanical personal clock.

Michael laughed with a full belly, this is why he liked Lewis. He made him feel so at ease within one sentence.

And so the night continued, and Lewis found himself massively enjoying Michael's company. They joked and talked about all walks of life. Lewis found out Michael was very much similar to himself, so hardworking that he'd forget everything but his job.

Ayrton passed by the hotel restaurant, curious to see why Lewis wasn't up yet. 'It is already 11pm, what is taking him so long?' He thought, unable to shake the dread he felt in his heart.

'I know he won't cheat on me, but I don't trust the kid,' and so using Michael as his excuse to support his mental battle, he walked down to investigate.

And there he saw it. Lewis gave his sweet smile to Michael, a smile he thought only he received. Lewis' tingly laugh flew into his ears like daggers, Ayrton subconsciously tightening his fists in anger.

'Lewis looks so happy with him,' lamented Ayrton, unable to move from his position with his gaze fixated on the couple.

And then he saw it, Michael took Lewis' hand and Lewis didn't pull away. All reason flew out, with his envy spreading vines of mistrust and doubt into his mind.

'How could he? How could he let him hold his hand? No guy would randomly hold another's hand unless they like him!' Raged Ayrton as he quickly turned back to his room.

'I knew that kid was trouble. I should have told Lewis not to go to dinner. But no, he wants to be there for a kid he doesn't know,' ranted Ayrton, unable to expel the images of Lewis and Michael together.

Lewis glanced at the time and took a quick inhale, shocked at how time had flown by.

"Michael I must go… it's so late already," said Lewis, already wondering if Ayrton was still awake waiting for him.

'He must be worried that I'm not back yet,' worried Lewis. Putting his hand up for the bill, he began to reach for his wallet. As he reached, he felt a hand stop him.

He looked up at Michael, whose face was a mix of nervousness and determination.

Lewis, shocked, shook his hand out of Michael's grip and looked at him inquisitively.

Michael, sensing Lewis' full attention on him, said steadily, "Lewis I like you. I like you more than friends."

Lewis could not believe the words. But in the back of his mind he could hear Tom's warning.

In this situation Lewis knew two responses, confront or leave. He knew he had to draw the line here, or it would be ongoing.

Michael was looking at him intensely, eager for a response, something. He could see Lewis' shock, then his face morph into worry. So he waited until Lewis spoke.

"Michael…" began Lewis, clearing his throat at awkwardness, "I am already dating someone else. I'm sorry but I only see you as a friend."

On the inside, Lewis' demons began to open out of their shells, beginning to taunt. 'As usual, only thing anyone wants from you is sex. No one even wants to just be your friend.'

Michael's face fell a bit however what he said next surprised Lewis.

"It's Ayrton isn't it?" Asked Michael quietly to not bring attention, face pensive.

Lewis looked up in alarm - a million thoughts flying about his head, trying to formulate an answer, well rather a defence.

Michael smiled solemnly, not at the rejection but the unfairness of the world they live in. That Lewis rather than accepting and boasting his happiness, is having to try to deny it to protect himself and Ayrton.

Lewis still was stumped and looked down, almost in tears. Gently Michael took Lewis' hand and looked directly into his eyes. Lewis' breath caught at the earnest look Michael was giving him.

Michael took a deep breath and affirmed, "I will not say a word. I just… it made so much sense all of a sudden. I can't believe I hadn't seen it."

Lewis sighed a breath of relief. With a small smile, Lewis gingerly got up, eager to escape the situation.

Turning back, he said softly, "Thanks for the meal. And sorry." With that he paced away quickly to the elevator, keen to get back into the safe arms of Ayrton.

-Line break-

Ayrton was still struggling to unsee the image of Michael so softly taking Lewis' hand. The images of Lewis' laughing so wholly at Michael. The images of Lewis and Michael together continued to insult him.

Fists curled up, he tried to calm the ferocious flames within. He heard the door click open and told himself one last time, 'I trust Lewis.'

Lewis clambered into the room - head still a mess. 'All I need is a hug,' wished Lewis. Quickly taking off his shoes, Lewis saw Ayrton in the middle room and made a beeline for a hug.

Wrapping his arms around Ayrton's middle, Lewis let out a deep sigh of relief. Calmness set in, however something felt off. Ayrton felt stiff in his arms, and he didn't even get the normal soft kiss on top of his head.

"Ayrton? Are you okay?" Gently probed Lewis, pulling back to try to look at Ayrton's face.

Ayrton felt guilt at his continued iciness to his love, but his need to know and jealousy at Michael was quickly shadowing his mind. He could see Lewis was looking at him but could not bring himself to look at him.

“Ayrton?” asked Lewis once more. Lewis was confused. He could sense something was not right but he didn’t understand.

Ayrton at hearing Lewis’ inquiry once more, lost his grip on his emotions and sneered out, “How was your dinner with your little boy toy Michael?”

Lewis took a step back. His mind was still reeling from the poisonous words that had come out of Ayrton’s mouth.

Anger quickly rose and Lewis was quick to rebut, “What does that mean? Boy toy?”

Ayrton could sense the defensiveness in Lewis’ voice. With his ego bruised he did not hold back his words.

“Yes boy toy. I saw how he so gently took your hand in his. The way he looks at you. Is it not enough to have a three time world champion as your boyfriend? You need a little puppy to follow you around too, to tell you how amazing you are.” spat out Ayrton, his jealousy now at full force, distorting everything he knew about Lewis.

His eyes were like molten lava, his anger so unreasonable yet had completely overtaken his vision. Ayrton was breathing heavily as he stared down Lewis, not even noticing the pure fear and betrayal that shone in Lewis’ tearful eyes.

Lewis felt like he had been slammed back into the past. He had many of these arguments with Nico. Everytime he got another friend, or someone showed their appreciation for him, Nico always skewed the truth to be against him. He couldn’t believe Ayrton was doing the same.

His panic and anxiety soon began rising, tears welling in his eyes. He opened his mouth, to say no, to deny everything - but the hurt and betrayal clogged his throat. His heart shattered at hearing the man he had finally opened his heart to think such things about him.

Ayrton could only see Lewis’ silence as an adminance of his guilt and taunted, “Why are you silent? Is it because you do like being with him? I saw you laughing so prettily, giving him those beautiful smiles. The smiles I thought I only got to see.” His voice tapered towards bitterness at the end, his heart clenching at the thought of Lewis liking anyone but him.

Lewis knew he needed to say something, to stop and put Ayrton’s fiery accusations to bed. He quashed his outrage at Ayrton and simply looked him in the eyes. Ayrton saw Lewis’ hardened eyes staring deep into him, his mind now finally understanding the gravity of the situation.

Steeling himself, Lewis stated in a cut throat tone, “You knew I was going to dinner with him. I didn’t know he liked me, and when he confessed, I told him I am very much in love with you. If you can’t trust in my love for you, then I don’t think we should waste our time any longer.”

With that, Lewis walked with his head high and out the door. Leaving a now silent Ayrton to pick up the pieces, Lewis left. He ran, ran as fast as he could to the only person he could turn to right now.

Knocking on the door in quick raps, a half asleep Tom opened the door to only find his friend with tears streaming down his face. Without saying a word, he led Lewis inside, letting his friend curl up in his lap and cry. Tears continuously fell as Lewis could not shake the maliced words out of his head. ‘I should have known better,’ thought Lewis, ‘It is my fault. I should not have gone to dinner with him.’

Meanwhile, Ayrton slumped to the floor, his heart broken by his own hands. He gathered his head into his chest as he cried in regret at his actions.

‘I’ve hurt him in the way I promised I would never. God please show me how to amend this. I can’t lose him, not like this,’ prayed Ayrton, mind shattered at his thoughtless actions.

Two hearts separated by the folly of jealousy. One heart having to weather yet another storm, but how much battering can one take?

Chapter Text

Tom stared out the window of his Waterloo flat. Lewis and he had just arrived back early this morning from Silverstone, tiredness settling into his bones. 

But his tiredness was compounded by deep worry for this friend. His friend currently passed out in his spare bedroom. Lewis had barely spoken more than two words since Saturday night when he had come back to their room in a crying mess. His Lewie that had cried himself to bed, so silently and still resists his help. 

He doesn’t know what happened between Ayrton and Lewis, and knew not to ask. But what he did know was that Lewis was reverting back to his old coping mechanisms. He barely could make eye contact with Tom, he wouldn’t ask for anything and ignored all of Tom’s attempts at physical affection. 

Tom tried to make him laugh, tried to compliment him, saying everything opposite to Lewis’ demons - but he knew that this was not something he could solve. 

‘Oh Lewis, how do I bring you out of their spell?’ signed Tom deeply. Suddenly Tom felt the rush of the warm breeze on the Monday morning, glittering cherry blossoms falling. It brought a sudden sense of calm and reassurance. 

‘I will get you out of this, even if I have to ask the person I hate the most to help you,’ vowed Tom, not allowing any defeatist mentality or arrogance to get in his way. 

Quickly he went to the spare bedroom and gently woke up his friend. Pulling him, Tom stated in a no nonsense tone, “We are going for a walk and breakfast. I expect you to be ready in 20 minutes or I will come for you. Remember Oxford 1989 - you don’t want me to make me late again, right Lew?” 

Grinning, Tom whistled his way out of the spare room, satisfied by hearing the sudden rushed rustling and slam of the door to the bathroom. ‘Ah that one always works,’ he laughed internally as he got back to his day. 

Lewis meanwhile was cursing his friend. ‘All I want is to stay inside. I don’t want to even see the outside world.’ he sighed deeply. He appreciated Tom trying to help him, but right now there was nothing he could do to cure the hole in Lewis’ heart and the continued torment of his own thoughts. 

‘Ayrton probably hates me now. I betrayed him. I got too close to Michael and now he thinks I am a slut,’ lamented Lewis, as he stared at himself in the mirror. His vision became more blurred as tears began to well in his eyes. 

But he had come too far, ‘No I did nothing wrong. I did nothing but have dinner with Michael. Why should I let him make me feel bad for being friends,’ he tried to reason, but his demons always had an answer.

They fought back, ‘But don’t you see Lewis? You saw it too. Tom even warned you. How can you say you didn’t have any idea that Michael liked you? You are clearly lying to yourself and Ayrton. And if you are a liar why should Ayrton trust you?’ 

“STOP! I didn’t know, I didn’t suspect. How dare you try to make me take blame over something I didn’t know? I will not succumb like I did to Nico. I am stronger than that!” blurted out Lewis, breath quickening as panic began to seize him. 

The demons smiled wryly at his words. ‘But Lewis, who are you trying to convince? Keep telling yourself this, but it is not like Ayrton will forgive you. He saw you blatantly flirting with Michael. Don’t you feel bad for looking at another man like you do to Ayrton?’ 

Immediately Lewis’ stability was shattered and he fell to the floor. At the sound of the thump, Tom immediately ran to Lewis. ‘Fuck. Please Lewis, please be okay,’ chanted Tom, as he quickly hurdled himself into the compact bathroom. 

“I swear Tom, I didn’t flirt with Michael. I really didn’t know he liked me. How do I get Ayrton to believe me? I should have known better, Tom. I should have believed you!” whimpered Lewis, hands covering his ears in an attempt to block out the venomous voices in his head. 

Tom was at a loss. The sight of his best friend completely shattered was breaking him and what was worse is that he knew he couldn’t fix it. 

“Ayrton, you will apologise on your knees to what you have done to Lewis or by god I will kill you,” swore Tom, as he gently led a shell shocked Lewis to their sofa and draped him a fluffy blanket, hoping the softness will bring some comfort.

Letting the windows remain open, Lewis felt the comforting breeze drift through with a voice chiming, “He loves you Lewis. He made the mistake. You are his everything and more. Don’t let your demons destroy the happiness you have built for yourself.” 

With that, Lewis fell back into a dreamless sleep, while Tom made up his mind to take action for his friend. 

-line break- 

Ayrton was a mess. He could not think straight. The grand prix had passed with little fanfare, another stroke of bad luck with a transmission failure.  ‘Something I deserved,’ huffed Ayrton. 

He had single handedly destroyed a slice of heaven and now was at a loss on how to even begin to salvage the pieces. That night he told Lewis he couldn’t trust him, that he liked other men’s attention, that he felt Lewis had been lying to him. 

The one thing Lewis wanted and needed in their relationship was trust and honesty, and yet Ayrton couldn’t even give him to the two most basic foundations in the relationship. 

“And worse is I played on the demons that he worked so hard to defeat. If only I wasn’t so self absorbed in my own emotions, I would have been able to see the pain I was causing the one dearest to me. How do I repair this?” Ayrton said to himself. As he sat crouched against the sofa, he heard the phone ring. 

Getting up, he walked with leadened steps to the phone.

“Hello?” answered Ayrton, voice devoid of emotions and energy. 

“Mi filho? Are you okay?” came the concerned reply of Neide. 

At hearing his mother’s soothing voice, Ayrton broke down. Neide on the other side could not understand what had caused her son to be so upset.

“Ayrton? What’s wrong? Ayrton, come on, speak to your mai?” she begged, unable to bear the wrenching sobs of her son on the line. 

Finally gasping some air into his lungs, Ayrton cried out, “I ruined everything Mai. I hurt Lewis so badly. I didn’t trust him. And now I don’t know how I deserve to even ask for his forgiveness back?” 

Neide’s heart sank. She knew there would be a day that Ayrton and Lewis would have to weather some storms, however, it didn’t prepare her for the suffering that both her son’s would have to go through.

“Mi filho,” she stated, “I need you to first tell me what you did for me to help you. Let me help you.” 

Ayrton took a deep breath. He knew he needed to calm down to be able to start making things right. ‘I cannot pity myself here. I need to try harder than this,’ he affirmed as he began to retell the exact happenings of that night. 

Neide sighed. Her son had the largest capacity to love, yet jealousy and possessiveness permeated his actions of love. Now he needed to realise that to love someone, does not mean to own them. To love another is to live two entire lives together as easy as breathing, growing together while still maintaining a tight bond. It is when the bond becomes suffocated that the air of love begins to disappear and Ayrton needed to learn that Lewis was his own person that deserved every right to make friends and be with whomever. 

“My son. I understand your pain, but you have caused significant pain and hurt to Lewis. I will not lie to you and say Lewis will understand, as you and I both know the pain that Lewis has suffered from previous betrayals. I don’t know exactly how his previous traumas have pained him, but your accusations and mistrust will certainly have been hard on Lewis to bear.” said Neide, sighing. 

“My son. You need to go on your knees and apologise. To try your best to convince Lewis that you did not mean those words. Words hold more power that you realise, and it is often more painful than a physical hit. Lewis must be drowning in hurt but also doubt within himself. To hear the person he loves accuse him of such traitorous acts can only cause doubt to one's mind. Ayrton, run to him as soon as you can. Listen to him, don’t just speak. Try to understand how you have hurt him and how you can repair this. And then it is up to Lewis on if he can forgive you or not.” 

Ayrton felt like he could see a light to a way out of his depth of misery. He knew what he had done wrong, how his own tendencies had flared up in the worst way. And if he wanted to be with Lewis he needed to never let those misconstrued thoughts ever cause him to doubt Lewis’ love for him. Though he may not be able to banish the jealous thoughts, his self assurance of their love will be more than enough to extinguish them. 

“Mai, I can’t thank you enough for being my mother,” said Ayrton.

Neide could finally hear her son was returning to normal, his voice stronger. But sheknew he had a long way to go if he wanted to win back Lewis’ trust. 

“Please tell Lewis I love him for me. And Ayrton, I hope you have learnt not to do this again,” warned Neide, still angry at Ayrton’s thoughtless words. 

“I have learnt Ma and now I need to prove to Lewis I won’t hurt him like this again,” said Ayrton, sighing as he realised the steep mountain he now needed to climb. ‘But for you Lewis, I will climb Everest if I need to.’ 

-line break- 

Lewis remained comatose on the sofa, head blank as he continued to replay Ayrton’s word in his head. 

‘What did I do to make him doubt my love for him? Was I being flirty? Was Nico right?’ questions that Lewis had no answer for. 

A day had passed, and despite Tom’s numerous attempts to move Lewis out of his depressed state, nothing worked. They were due to go back to the factory tomorrow, but the thought of seeing Ayrton after everything made Lewis nauseous.

He was so afraid that if he saw Ayrton, it might affirm all his doubts, that Ayrton no longer wanted him.

In his nightmares he continually saw Ayrton telling him he was a slut, useless, nobody to him. It made Lewis want to curl up within himself and disappear.

Tom sighed deeply, the worry lines in this forehead creasing further. ‘How is Lew going to face Ayrton? What if seeing Ayrton just makes it worse?’ thought Tom. He sat next to his friend, and gently patted his back, trying to let his friend know he was there, even if Lewis didn’t realise it. 

‘Please God, help me. I can’t bear to see my friend like this anymore,’ prayed Tom, a single tear making its way down his cheek. 

-line break-

Ayrton was going crazy. He wasn’t able to reach Lewis at all. He wasn’t answering his phone, and he wasn’t at home (affirmed by the building manager). He was running out of options and Tom wasn’t answering either.

“I will have to try to catch him in the factory. But who am I kidding? He doesn’t even want to see me,” uttered Ayrton, eyes catching the luminescent moon who’s glow continued to soothe his inner worries. 

‘Please God. Help me repair this relationship. Please don’t let me lose him,’ thought Ayrton, as he turned to the only person he could for help. 

-line break- 

Lewis felt like a zombie walking back into the factory. His face had turned pale, cheeks more gaunt. His limbs felt lethargic as he struggled to even drag himself into the engineering room. Everyone in the team noticed Lewis’ downcast manner but knew better not to mention anything, especially given the concerned look Tom was giving Lewis at every moment. 

Ayrton bounded into the factory, needing to find Lewis. His legs immediately drew him to the engineering room, where for the first time in 4 days he saw his love. 

His face dropped at the drastic change in his appearance, while worry etched his way into his heart. Lewis looked sick. His eyes aimless and mind elsewhere while everyone else was working. Without stopping, he approached Lewis. 

Lewis could see Ayrton approaching him. ‘I missed you so much Ayrton,’ was the immediate reaction. Lewis wanted to hug him, kiss him, just be in his arms. But then the demons piped up from their dark spot, ‘he doesn’t want you anymore remember? Did he stop you leaving the room? Did he come find you after the fight?’ 

As Ayrton came closer, Lewis’ dark thoughts continued to take over, berating him at his hope, further beating him down. And then Lewis heard it, “Lew”. So sweet, so earnest, so full of.. Love? 

‘Love? You are delusional,’ they laughed at him, causing him to flinch at their mockery.

“Lew,” started Ayrton, but he stopped. He stopped when he saw Lewis’ flinch at his name. His face tightened with anxiety beginning to flow into his heart. ‘I hurt him so badly, that even speaking to him I’ve caused him to flinch,’ realised Ayrton, frozen in his spot.

Tom immediately noticed Lewis’ discomfort, and went to his side. 

“Boys I’m taking Lewis home, he isn’t feeling well it seems,” stated Tom, quickly leading Lewis away. As he led Lewis away, he noticed one thing, Lewis’ eyes were stuck to Ayrton. 

Ayrton’s eyes caught Lewis’ and time seemed to stop. ‘Lewis’ eyes are still so full of love and longing, but yet I can see such pools of sadness as well,’ observed Ayrton. He noticed Tom leading Lewis and knowing if he let Lewis go again, he may not get him back he ran after the pair. 

He could see their retreating backs reaching the wide doors, and quickly raced after calling out Lewis’ name. 

“Lewis! Lewis! Please stop,” called out Ayrton, running to stop them before they reached the car. 

Tom could hear Ayrton’s calls but tried to ignore it. However, it was as if it was a siren’s call as Lewis’ ear pricked up as soon as he heard Ayrton call his name. Tom knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep the pair away for so long, but decided he wasn’t going to leave his friend to get hurt again. 

Gently stopping, still supporting Lewis on his side. Tom spoke firmly, “Ayrton. To protect all of us, we will come back to Lewis’ flat in Waterloo. There you may say whatever you have to say, but the moment Lewis tells you to leave you go. Understood?” 

With that ultimatum, Tom turned to look at a now quiet Ayrton, looking morosely at the floor. 

In a much more subdued tone, Ayrton suggested, “I will drive us there. It will be quicker and it is the least I can do.” 

With that the three headed back to London, Lewis still zoned out in the back seat while Ayrton and Tom continued to glare daggers at each other. 

They reached Lewis’ flat and Lewis gently wrenched open his door. 

For the first time today Lewis said softly, voice cracked at its seldom use, “Sorry it is messy. I’ve not been home.”

Ayrton smiled gently and said, “No it is fine, thank you for having me.” He hated this enforced civil politeness that had overcome their relationship, but he knew he needed to break the walls down before he could rebuild them. 

Tom knew this was a personal conversation and understanding he couldn’t always protect Lewis, he said in a solid tone to Lewis, “I will leave you two to speak. Lew, if you need me I am only two doors away.” With that he left the pair and silence draped over the room.

Ayrton quickly kicked off their shoes and Lewis gestured for them to sit on the armchairs opposing each other. They sat down, but Lewis continued to set his glaze on the floor, unable to bring the courage to look at Ayrton just yet. 

“Lewis,” started Ayrton, taking a breath before he continued. “I love you.” 

With that, Lewis’ head jumped up. Those were not the first words that Lewis was expecting to hear. His eyes quickly searched Ayrton’s, eager to search for any sense of dishonesty. But he could see nothing but the clear, love struck eyes that he had gotten used to for the last few months. 

Seeing Lewis’ surprise at the words that were so common in their relationship, Ayrton’s heart clenched. Now under Lewis’ watchful gaze, Ayrton moved to the floor and to his knees. 

Head bowed he began his apology, “Lew. I am so sorry. I broke your heart by accusing you and breaking the one promise I made to you. I told you I would always trust you and yet I doubted your love for me. I know my apology is not enough, and that these words won’t be able to make it up to you. But please Lewis - please tell me how I’ve hurt you, how I can prove to you I won’t do this again. How can I earn your forgiveness?” 

Lewis took his time to process Ayrton’s words. He was so used to the simple ‘I am sorry’ ‘you know I get jealous’ which was laced with a thinly veiled accusation of blame from Nico. He was not used to being asked about how he felt and what he wanted. This was new. 

‘He is trying to give you the space to open up, he is trying to understand your pain. Let him. Tell him about your past. He needs to know so that he can finally help you grow past these traumas and live without the binds of the past,’ his conscious reasoned. 

‘It is terrifying. What if I tell him, and he rejects those feelings? What if he says I was just exaggerating?’ thought Lewis. 

‘My child, you can not keep your heart locked away forever. Hearts do not only feel love but also pain. And to understand another’s pain is crucial to being able to provide them the best of love. My child, don’t hide from him. Let him see all of you,’ advised the saintly voice, continuing to guide her child through his turmoil. She could see the cogs in his head turning, and sensed as he finally came to a decision. 

Ayrton continued to stay in position. Waiting for Lewis to say something, anything. Lewis’ face remained pensieve, lips pressed together. Ayrton’s head dropped as anxiety began to take over. ‘I guess I really have ruined everything. He doesn’t even want to speak to me now,’ thought Ayrton prematurely.

“Ayrton,” said Lewis in a strong voice. Ayrton quickly looked up, eyes reaching Lewis’. “These past four days, I’ve felt stuck. Stuck in a hell where I could not bring myself out of. The only thing I could think was ‘what have I done to make Ayrton think this?’ How could the person I love throw such accusations at me? ‘Was it really my fault?’” his voice began to rise as the emotions rose inside of him, the unfairness and pain of the past surging through his memory. 

Lewis took a pause, trying to calm voice and asked Ayrton in a slightly trembling voice, “do you know why those accusations hurt so much?” Ayrton could see the pain in Lewis’ face, the quivering lips and choked up tone. Ayrton could only shake his head in ignorance. 

“My past relationships - they haven’t been good. My first boyfriend, he was also jealous. And he hid me. He hid me like a mistress behind the world’s back, while treating me like I was his princess to be in private. I was foolish, too in love to notice he was just using me. And while I had to put up with his flouncing around women, as soon as I even talked to another man, he would get jealous. He…” Lewis had to stop, the past choking his thoughts, the anxiety of opening up almost reaching boiling point. 

Once again he took another breath and continued to push on,“he would call me a slut. Berate me for talking to other guys. I was only ever faithful to him, yet his jealousy would construct me as an attention seeker for any man’s affection. He would put me down in the worst ways possible. It is why today I have so little love in myself. In the end he left me for a perfect woman. Blonde, long legs, pretty face - perfect in every way. And the way he ended it, ‘Did you think I ever loved you? You were only a good and convienient fuck in bed’”

Lewis laughed bitterly at the memories of Nico’s cold words, but noticing how they no longer struck ice shards through his heart. 

“I’ve had so little love and belief in myself for so long that when you came around, I never had felt so free and so loved. You loved everything about me. You didn’t ask me to change or hide or be anything but myself. But when you couldn’t trust me. Trust me to even have dinner with another man, it hurts. It hurts so bad because all I could think was, ‘how can he love me yet think so little of me?’ When you disrespected me that night, all I felt was worthless. Those few words brought back every insecurity I’ve tried so hard to banish, every memory of my ex who spent years hammering my self belief until I would be a lap dog hanging onto his every word.”

As Lewis finished his sentence, he could feel his walls break down. His willingness to pretend to be strong was gone. 

Ayrton couldn’t help the tears that began to slip down his face at the realisation of the abuse his love faced for so long. The scarring memories that he helped bring back into his head, the demons he encouraged by his lack of thought. On reflex, Ayrton moved closer, taking Lewis’ hand in his. 

Lewis sniffled, his emotions now running rampage as he finally opened up the horrors of his past. “I thought you loved me no matter what. But now I don’t know how to even act around you. You showed me that night you don’t trust me and I can’t understand what I have done to cause this. Maybe my ex was right in saying I was an attention whore, and I just don’t realise it.”

Ayrton could not shake the despair that permeated his heart to hear his amorzinho think such lowly thoughts of himself. ‘This is where I need to prove to him that it was not his actions but my warped jealousy that had taken everything out of context’. 

A short silence had overcome the pair, Ayrton about to open his mouth when Lewis said, “And I felt disgusting. I felt like the most ugly person in the world when you could even insinuate I would cheat on you. I’ve been cheated on, and it ripped my heart out twice. I barely was able to continue after the second heartbreak. So to think that you would even entertain the idea that I would cheat on you, it was soul crushing. To think the person I loved thought I had the capacity to be so dishonest, it made me hate myself”. 

Tears were free flowing from both the lovers as Lewis bore his full pain and hurt out to Ayrton. 

Ayrton knew he needed to set those demons out of Lewis’ mind, to help him rebuild his confidence in himself. 

“Baby I don’t believe you could cheat on me, that you are an attention whore, that you are a liar. You to me are the sun in my life, who has only strived to make me a better person. When I called Michael your boy toy, it was empty words fuelled by my irrational jealousy that overtook my mind. I never believed in it for one second. I just… was thoughtless and mean at that moment.” confessed Ayrton, trying his best to maintain eye contact with Lewis, to show him he means every word. 

Ayrton paused. He was jealous, but he never asked himself why he was jealous? Why did he feel the need to be so jealous about Michael? 

‘Because he is a younger, very handsome man. He is a talented rookie with a lot of potential, and despite the fact I am a three time world champion, I still feel Lewis could do better. This season has shown that I am washed up, out of the world championship, not sure I will ever get another. Why would Lewis want to be with me? When Michael has a whole career ahead and probably could provide much more.’ His inner monologue finally revealed Ayrton’s own insecurities. 

Ayrton knew he needed to reveal this to Lewis, to bare his heart open just as Lewis had. So that they could understand each other even better, their own insecurities had nearly divided them and would now could reunite them. 

Inching closer, he confessed, “I felt so jealous because you are the single most amazing thing to happen to me, and the fact that Michael liked you - it riled me up. I realised, why would you want to be with a washed up F1 driver? Michael is a rookie, he is young with so much talent. Why would you want to be with an old man like me? I didn’t know this then, but I realised it was my own insecurity driving my jealousy over you.”

Lewis froze. ‘Ayrton was worried he was not enough for me?’ queried Lewis. Ayrton could see Lewis’ confusion in his face, and made the bold move to cup Lewis’ cheek in his hands, pulling their gazes together. 

Ayrton continued, “I am an insecure man. I wake up everyday wondering how lucky I am to have you. And every week I am not performing while you are so smart and talented. There is only a matter of time before Ferrari or Williams come knocking to invite you over to their sides. And so, to see Michael, the young kid whose talent is shining above mine right now, looks at you so lovingly, I couldn’t hold my own worries that perhaps he would be better for you. Not when my days in F1 are so numbered. But I promise mi amorzinho, I won’t ever let my insecurities ever do this to you again. I will be better.”

Ayrton had laid his full emotions for Lewis to see. He knew his own insecurities did not admiss his actions nor words. But he wanted to be fully honest with Lew, to show him that he too doubted his own self worth. 

There was quiet, only soft breaths to be heard. Lewis continued to gaze into Ayrton’s transparent eyes, still trying to find his voice. ‘How can I trust this?’ asked Lewis, mind split between rushing into Ayrton’s arms to forgive him, while one half wanted to build up his steel walls and block him out. 

‘Once more Lewis, you have to take a leap of faith for your happiness. Will you be happy without Ayrton or are you willing to try again?’ the faint voice guided. 

Breaking their glaze, Lewis was brought out of his trance. He closed his eyes and decided. He gently lowered himself to the floor to a nervous Ayrton, and kissed his partner’s lips ever so softly. 

“Let’s try again. I forgive you, but it does not mean things do not need to change.” Lewis replied, voice thick with emotion as his heart finally felt at peace for the first time since their fight. 

Ayrton felt his heart singing, his prayers answered as his love agreed to start again. Ayrton moved quickly to drag his love into his arms, cradling him so tenderly in his arms as they simply enjoyed their time. 

‘I missed you,’ both men thought in sync as the setting sun set the room alight with colours. Signifying an end to a tortuous pain and promising another beginning.  

“We will only get stronger from this,” whispered Ayrton gently into Lewis’ ear. Lewis nodded into the warm chest encompassing him, finally feeling at comfort in the arm’s he missed the most. 

‘No matter my doubts, this feels like the right decision,’ affirmed Lewis.

He moved back ever so slightly to bring their foreheads together. 

“Don’t ever be such a bullheaded idiot again Senna, or I will really leave your arse,” he mildly threatened, a quivering smile making his way to his face. Ayrton felt like he could finally breathe, seeing Lewis smiling was better than any win in his career. 

“I love you,” they said together. Two hearts opened up to each other to heal a void that had tried to break everything they had built. Instead the two now had built a wall of trust that would withstand the subservient emotions of jealousy and doubt. 

Chapter Text

There were two weeks until the German GP and increasingly Mclaren had become aware of their dreams slipping away. Ayrton had already accepted that his chances of making a comeback in the championship were gone. 

It was a bitter pill to swallow, but a reality he needed to accept. Much like the reality he embraced right now as he observed Lewis cooking a Brazilian recipe that his mother had given him.

Ayrton had tried to help but after cutting his finger within 5 minutes, Lewis had banished him to the island chair where he observed his love. He dreamily stared at Lewis, who was currently a vision in the apron that he had bought him. 

He smiled fondly when he had bought it causing Lewis to flush in embarrassment. 

Lewis was focussed, his braids tightly woven as he continued to stir the vegan feijoada. Ayrton watched Lewis’ meticulous actions, entranced by the smoothness of his movements across the kitchen. Stuck in this trance, Ayrton jumped as he suddenly heard his name called out. 

Lewis smirked at the fright he gave his boyfriend. “I need you to set the table and find us a good wine for the evening my love,” he ordered, smiling brightly at his boyfriend who had rushed to finish his tasks before he had even finished his sentence.

Ayrton had been… attentive. Very mindful of everything he said and did. While Ayrton was gone, Lewis lent back, letting the tension drain out his body as he slumped against the kitchen top. He knew Ayrton was worried about losing him, but he had felt the ease in their relationship had gone. 

‘I need to tell Ayrton that he doesn’t need to walk on glass shards around me. I trust him to not make the same mistake.’ decided Lewis, as he watched Ayrton glide back in with a lovely bottle of 1985 Soave. 

Ayrton could feel Lewis’ weighted gaze on him as he began his adventure on opening the wine. 

“I won’t break the bottle Lew,” teased Ayrton, trying to reassure Lewis’ worry. 

Finally the cork was out and the pair made their way to the beautifully set table. Red rose petals scattered across, as a candle lightly softly illuminated the room. Lewis’ breath hitched at the romanticism of Ayrton’s actions. Turning his head to look at Ayrton, he placed a delicate kiss on his lips, before taking his seat. 

As Lewis had placed the dainty kiss on his lips, Ayrton’s mind stilled. Serenity and completeness overwhelmed his senses. ‘This is my own slice of heaven,’ he mused as he followed Lewis to sit at the table. 

And then the night flowed onwards; full bodied laughter with effortless conversation. With the meal rolled up, Ayrton and Lewis migrated themselves to the sofa, snuggling into themselves. 

“Ayrton, I need to talk to you about something,” started Lewis, hand tracing small shapes on Ayrton’s in an attempt to soothe any tension that shoots through his love. 

Ayrton’s heart picked up, anxiety beginning to take ground. But he felt the small touches, the way Lewis did not move away. ‘He is still next to you, he is still here,’ he chanted as he calmed his mind. 

Gulping any fear down, he responded, “Please go ahead mi amorzinho.” Looking into lewis’ eyes he saw not fear or hatred, simply love. 

Lewis could sense Ayrton’s uneasiness. As he readied himself, he folded himself further into Ayrton, trying to ensure there was no physical barrier - to show that he wasn’t going anywhere. 

“I want you to stop walking on eggshells around me,” said Lewis with an air of finality. “You have been so considerate this past week, but I miss the naturality of our relationship.” 

Ayrton ducked his head down, unsure on how to respond. ‘But I am so afraid. The last time I didn’t pay attention, I nearly lost you,’ he wanted to say - but had no idea how to even convey his own angst. 

And then Lewis’ tender voice broke through his walls, “Look at me my darling.”

Ayrton slowly lifted his head to meet Lewis’ eyes. As they stared into each other’s eyes, the air was alight with passion, affection weaving around the pair. 

“I trust you. I trust you to not hurt me like before. So please, trust yourself.” said Lewis, voice firm and reassuring. Ayrton could not speak. His voice thick with emotion as he choked out a “thank you” before burying his head into Lewis’ chest. 

Ayrton felt the steady breathing of his amorzinho, letting his breathing slow to match Lewis’. 

Moving away slightly from the comfort of Lewis’ arms, Ayrton asked tentatively, “Lew. I want to understand your past a bit better. To understand the pain you went through. Only if you are comfortable to speak about it.” 

Lewis felt himself freeze. Did he want to share the pain of the past? Or did he want to keep it buried? 

‘My little one. Burying the pain does not make it go away - only your acceptance and growth will forever vanish their tight hold on you,’ the voice wafted through his mind. 

Ayrton felt Lewis tense up, and was ready for Lewis to move away. He loosened hold, ready to let Lewis move away to get some space, both mentally and physically. Instead, he felt Lewis lean into him further and his voice rumble out, “It was very painful. It is pain I’ve carried for so long, and something I’ve barely even told Tom about.” 

Lewis shifted so he could look at Ayrton as he spoke. 

“My first love - he never had wanted to be in love or be attracted to me. But when he found he couldn’t handle his bisexuality he used me to get the emotions out. The whole time he was dating a woman behind my back and I found out when he had a woman’s engagement ring in his pocket. He used my naivety to hurt me in the cruellest of ways,” narrated Lewis, not letting the harsh past take over his emotions. Instead, he continued to ground himself with Ayrton’s presence, clutching onto his physical body to remind himself where he was. 

Ayrton could see the turmoil rise in Lewis’ eyes, and gently moved his hand to Lewis’ face. His eyes glowed as he felt Ayrton’s full focus and support. And so he continued. 

“Then, my second love - to whom I thought would be my forever. He built me back up, helped me get over the tragedy of my past. And despite all this, he still ripped my heart out in another way. He cheated, with a much younger male colleague. I had reached my lowest there - before I had the chance to serve you I was very close… very close to ending everything. I had nobody except Tom in my life back then, so very different to now.” finished Lewis, voice heavy as his heart dropped lower. Everything had slowed as he let the past wash over him once more, the torment throbbing through his veins. But then it stopped. 

He felt nothing, but the soft beating of Ayrton’s heart, as Ayrton moved Lewis’ hand to his chest. Saying nothing but letting him feel. To let him know, I am here, I won’t go away. Tears that had creeped up to his eyes were banished. The pain had disappeared. Lewis could finally breathe without feeling the constraint of the past on his heart. 

Lewis and Ayrton gazed deeply into each other’s eyes, just letting the world fade away to only the two of them. Then Ayrton spoke. 

“I love you. I am sorry you had to go through so much pain and humiliation. But I promise, you have my heart and soul - I will never abandon you. Never.” The conviction in Ayrton’s voice was enough for Lewis to feel whole. 

Not responding, Lewis simply tilted his head upwards to capture Ayrton’s lips in a sealing kiss. 

-line break-

The German GP had come around and the business of daily life had emerged. The team could see their star mechanic had returned to himself, and it only further was encouraged when Ayrton bagged P3 in qualifying. ‘We are not winning, but this is a good step’ affirmed Lewis, patting the other mechanics on the back as a job well done. 

He walked around, knowing Ayrton had interviews to finish. There he saw a lone Michael Schumacher, face pinched in worry with a slumped figure. He hadn’t been able to even speak to Michael in the last two weeks after the almost destruction of his relationship. 

He almost decided against going to him, but seeing his loneliness knew he could not blame the kid for his feelings. 

Michael felt stuck in an empty abyss. His heart ached for someone he could not have, and he was confused about himself. He thought his home Grand prix would bring some further clarity and light back into his life, yet being home with his parents he felt even more lost. 

His dad had jokingly made the comments, “you said that there was someone you liked son? Who is she?” Even the slight comment on his supposed heterosexuality put Michael off. 

He had quietly told him ‘She’ had already got a boyfriend and was unavailable. And then the narrative continued “Don’t worry you will find a girl soon. Then we can have our grandchildren.” 

But all that served was to continue rising the pressure in his mind. ‘Am I weird to like both men and women? Surely if Ayrton does as well, I can? Why do I feel so unnatural in my own body?’ 

He qualified P6 in his home grandprix, a good feat for a rookie. Yet, he felt like he was the only person in the world, unable to reach out or speak to anyone. He had tried on the weekends, kissing other guys - and it had confirmed his attraction to men. Yet it did nothing to soothe his perplexed mind. 

‘I know I like men too. But why am I struggling so much to accept this part of me? I was so sure when I realised I liked Lewis that my sexuality does not define me. But now, I feel it is something I cannot accept in the face of this world,’ continued his inner dialogue, feeling the reins of reality tighten against his self image. 

Lost in his thoughts, he felt a hand softly tap his shoulder. Trying to collect himself he turned around, to see the one person who he had dreamt of for the last two weeks. 

“Lewis,” breathed out Michael, shocked that the older had come to him. “I… I thought you wouldn’t want to see me,” he couldn’t help but blurt out, his mind overwhelmed by the joy of seeing Lewis again. 

“You looked out of it Michael. Are you okay?” asked Lewis, with a worried expression that had befallen his face. 

Michael gulped. ‘He always sees right through me,’ he lamented, not wanting to reveal his weaknesses. ‘But I need help, I need advice.’ 

Taking some inner courage he replied, “I need your help Lewis. I am drowning in my confusion about myself and I can’t figure this out by myself anymore.” As he spoke the last of the sentence, the anxiety had overcome his voice and mind, causing his voice to break in desperation.

Lewis observed the young man, who had laid himself bare in front of him. Michael’s eyes were quivering in nervousness, hand’s fidgeting as his body had shifted to become more closed. 

‘This poor kid. He really is struggling to come to terms with his sexuality. I need to help him, before he lets society beat him down,’ contemplated Lewis, mind now decided. 

“Come with me,” said Lewis in a compassionate voice, “Let’s go to a quiet space to talk about this.” 

As Lewis guided Michael to Ayrton’s motorhome - Ayrton spotted the pair. However, neither the feeling of jealousy nor anger arose, but more curiosity. Quickly following, he caught up with his love and the rookie. As he approached however he could sense the tension and borderline hysteria coming from Michael. 

“You okay kid?” asked Ayrton, placing a comforting hand on Michael’s shoulder in an attempt to provide a grounding effect. Both Lewis and Ayrton could sense he was at his wit’s end and quickly moved to get this kid some privacy. As soon as they entered the motorhome, Michael collapsed onto his knees. 

Ayrton and Lewis stopped shocked, not used to seeing such an emotive reaction from Michael, who was normally so calm and composed. 

Michael could not hold himself up any longer - the weight of his mental confusion finally bearing down on him. He could not hold the tears either; a wave of uncertainty, loneliness and fear threatening to drown him. 

And so he let himself cry, let everything out in this safe space. Ayrton and Lewis gently brought the distraught boy to the sofa, and together wrapped their arms around him. Silently Ayrton and Lewis looked at each other - affirming together they wanted to help Michael get through this. 

The F1 world was incredibly invigorating, but yet an extremely narrow minded and isolating environment. If you don’t fit the status quo, F1 does not fail to remind you of it. 

It took some time for Michael to calm down after he was finally able to let out his inner anguish. Lewis heard Michael's small sniffles petter off and gently asked, "Are you okay?"

Michael looked up, eyes filled with gratefulness at this kind hearted soul. And then he heard Ayrton say, "You can come to us. If you need help, guidance, anything, you can come to us."

His heart stilled - Ayrton, a three world champion he was so sure hated him - offering him his time and support? Michael's head shot towards Ayrton, face in clear shock at the words he just heard. 

Ayrton read the rookie's confusion and laughed.

"I know you think I hate you. I don't. You are supremely talented Michael and I want to give you support as a mentor, something I never had in this brutal world. Only if you want, that is," explained Ayrton, patiently looking at Michael. Michael's mind was racing at 100mph at all the information coming to him. 

Finally dawning on him that Ayrton was offering to mentor him, Michael immediately nodded unable to get words to express his excitement.

Both Lewis and Ayrton couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm. He was only 23 after all. Slowly everything calmed and finally Michael spoke, "Thank you."

"I've been struggling a lot with myself these last two weeks. When I confessed to Lewis I hadn't actually realised or taken the time to understand myself. And then I realised, how could I like guys as well? When all I've ever known is girls? My parents… they expect me to marry a woman but all my mind could focus on was what if I wanted to marry a man? Besides the fact it is illegal, how would those I love react?" rambled out Michael. His hands began to fidget as the familiar anxiety began to take a hold.

Lewis and Ayrton froze as they too finally took into perspective the reality so many unfortunately were subjected to. 

Slowly Lewis took Michael's hand in his as Ayrton got up to get water. 

"I was confused too - having spent nearly 30 years not realising my attraction to men," recounted Ayrton, relieving his own torment that had overcome him earlier this year, “However I had to take time to think. To understand myself. You may think that this changes who you are, that this means you are no longer the person you once was. But it doesn’t. You still are this amazingly talented F1 rookie, whose person doesn’t derive from a label on your sexuality - but rather through your own actions and words.” 

Michael looked at the couple, whose faces were drawn with nostalgia and watched as unconsciously they sought each other for their comfort, with Ayrton's hand silently slipping into Lewis'. He closed his eyes, trying to steady his mind despite the turmoil that sat deep in his stomach. 

Ayrton continued, "it wasn't easy to realise my feelings nor my sexuality. It felt like I was trying to accept something entirely new. So I tried to also deny it, tried to confine my beautiful relationship with Lewis as 'friendship'. However, the more time I had spent with Lewis I began to notice how my eyes always looked for him and that rather than only looking at women, I'd drift my glaze to admire a handsome guy. And it was then, when it had felt so natural to look at a man the way I did when I realised, I am definitely bisexual." 

Ayrton turned to look at Michael. His eyes were now closed and he focussed on Ayrton's tale. 

"It just took giving myself the time to accept the part of me I had never seen, for me to finally feel whole," finished Ayrton, hoping the message of his story had now come through. 'Just trust in yourself Michael, you don't need to define yourself. Just let yourself grow in whatever way makes you feel the best,' he silently urged as he watched the kid's tense shoulders finally drop. 

Mindlessly Michael took a sip of cold bottle of water, the cool shock helping him remain present. Re-entering reality he stood up. “I need to understand myself better. I need to give myself time to understand this new dimension in my life,” affirmed Michael, finally feeling comfortable in his own sense of self. 

Lewis smiled gently and said, “Giving yourself the time and space to really think through your life, is something that will aid you more than any words we could say.” 

Michael then whispered, so gently that Lewis and Ayrton almost didn’t catch it, “I am still Michael. Nothing has changed.” 

‘I finally feel like I can breathe,’ he sighed. Lewis and Ayrton watched proudly from their space on the sofa. Watching how a young man learns to realise himself within the strict social confines of the current world. 

Turning back to the pair that gave him the strength to take the initial step towards acceptance, he said with a wide smile, “Thank you. I can’t say anything other than thank you.” 

Before Lewis and Ayrton could reply, Michael gave them a final hug. A hug filled with vigour and warmth, signalling that he would be alright. 

With that Michael left the motorhome, refreshed and ready to continue his own journey. 

Lewis looked wistfully at the doorway. ‘He is so much stronger than myself when I came to realise my sexuality,’ he thought as memories of his own struggles rose to the surface. 

Ayrton felt contentment. To help guide a young man whose struggles threatened to engulf him could only bring a sense of pride and joy. He turned to the side, noticing the quiet that had now overtaken the motorhome. Lewis’ eyes remained stuck in a dazed shine - tears glistening. Immediately a pang of worry struck as he tried to understand the reason for Lewis’ reaction. 

“Amorzinho, what are you thinking about?” asked Ayrton. Lewis tried to speak, but closed his mouth. ‘Time, I just need to take my time,’ he chanted, hand’s clenching and unclenching as the memories washed over him. 

Back in 2006, Lewis had realised his attraction to Nico was not solely confined to his best friend. And it was then Lewis had wished he could have told his past self that he is okay, that it is okay to feel lost, that it is okay to be gay. 

But instead he forced himself to fit into the box. Dating Nicole only to fall back into the toxic arms of his former teammate. A cycle that continued day after day with his consistent rejection of himself. He couldn’t love himself. He had hated that he was gay because that meant it was just another barrier in his journey to rising to the top. The discrimination and abuse he received just from the colour of skin was enough to convince him that being different was not accepted. Being different only made your life harder, he had thought. 

And so he continued to sit in his box, a box that continued to grow smaller and smaller as the days passed by. And as he continued to reject his true feelings, he felt himself dissociate from who he was and who he wanted to be. Lewis felt wrong in his own skin, as the person he tried to show the world was just simply a facade. It was this vulnerability that allowed Nico to use him as he pleased. 

2014 had come around and he found himself sitting with his father under the warm sun of their country home. His father was always able to read him. Lewis’ tendency to wear his heart on his sleeve showed you a glimmer to what he felt. But Anthony saw all of him. And all it took was 6 simple words, to break the walls that were built on shaky foundations.

“I love you, no matter what.” said Anthony that afternoon. It was that night, he cried into his father’s arms, confessing to his sexuality and struggles. And knowing his father, the man that helped him grow into the success and fortune of today, would love him despite his sexuality, finally helped him realise his own mistakes. Anthony showed no reaction, simply the same steady hand had continued to rub his back as he let all his buried thoughts out.

With a heart bruised and bloodied from the relentless self-rejection that pushed him so close to the edge, Lewis had learnt to accept himself. ‘To be myself is not a crime. To not fit the standards of the world is not a crime. To love who I want is not a crime.’ Those statements finally had broken through his mental barriers to help him finally live as who he is. Which was simply Lewis. Lewis who loves men more than women. Lewis who lives and breathes F1. Lewis who loves fashion and the creativity of expressing himself through clothes. 

It was only after this realisation that the anxiety which had continued to gnaw at him disappeared. Replaced with relief and happiness that he could be himself as that was all that mattered. 

Back to the present, Lewis finally spoke, “I wish I had told myself that when I was young.” 

Ayrton could sense that Lewis’ own experience of acceptance was a much longer, arduous road. He didn’t probe, just let Lewis take his time to speak, if he wanted to speak.

“I had rejected my sexuality for years before I came out. It was what had pushed me to enter the toxic relationships I did. I had hated myself so much that I felt I couldn’t breathe, that I felt like I was constantly wearing a mask. It drained me to the extent that when I finally did accept who I am - it set me free like an eagle taking to the sky. The sense of freedom that allowed me to release my true potential,” recounted Lewis, not looking at his past struggles with sadness or regret, but rather understanding. Understanding of the lost child, whose life had been restricted by societal pressures. 

Ayrton didn’t know what to say. As he tried to provide some words of comfort, Lewis turned to him with a beaming smile, “I love the person I am and my past only served to help me understand myself. Don’t feel sorry for me, love, as the past cannot be changed but how I act and move forward in the future can be. I love you and everything that we are.” 

The heaviness that had surrounded the room had disappeared. The sun that now draped the sofa illuminating the pair as they kissed gently in their own happy world that they had forged. 

Chapter Text

The Hungarian Grand prix weekend passed by uneventfully. The acceptance of there being no further chance to win in the championship had settled into the team, providing almost a release on the pressure valve it normally is. 

The paddock came drawing to a close. The race ended with the unexpected result of Ayrton winning, but he didn't take much joy in it. 'Not with how horrible this season has been,' he thought. And as ever after every race, came the post race debrief. 

Ayrton dreaded these debriefs. The “he did that and he didn’t do this” gave him a headache. Though increasingly his feeling of loneliness was ever present in these meetings. No driver really approached him, and so he found himself alone, as always. Since entering F1 for the first time, his acceptance into the paddock took many years, and even today he felt the separation. Sighing as he tried to grapple with his unwanted reality, he slid further into the chair. ‘A bit longer and I can go be with Lew,’ a small smile gracing his face as he waited to go to his safe haven.

Low chatter continued as drivers trickled in. Noticeably, most went to the other side of the room. Finally, rookie Michael rushed in, face bright red. Couple of the driver’s chuckled at the rookie, all having been there.

“Better late than never son,” called out Charlie Whiting, a fatherly tone enriching his voice. Michael flushed again, promptly taking a turn to sit next to Ayrton. The whole room stopped. Michael next to Ayrton? 

Curiousity had overtaken the drivers, breath bated, waiting for Ayrton’s reaction. Almost as if they expected him to snap or coldly ignore the boy, as per his reputation amongst the drivers. Ayrton felt a tap, looking to his side to see Michael. His face broke into a wide smile. 'Michael. I do have someone in this paddock,' he realised, now ignoring those taunting voices of his inner critic. For the outside this looked like two good mates. But from what the other’s knew, Ayrton didn’t befriend other drivers; and Ayrton and Michael were definitely not close.

Charlie cleared his throat, noticing the distraction across the room. The meeting began, but the shock across the room didn’t subside. Throughout, quick interested peeks were thrown, watching as Ayrton would lean in every so often when Michael would whisper something, or would mutter a comment to the boy next to him in a hushed tone. A scene exuding familiarity yet was out of place at the same time.

“And with the end of this meeting, I congratulate Nigel on a brilliant championship. Well earnt lad,” ended Charlie, promptly leaving the room. Driver’s began to get up but they could see the rookie and Ayrton still engaged in an intense conversation. But no sense of seriousness could be felt, almost as if it was a chat between two excited school boys.  

Ayrton had nearly fallen asleep several times that meeting, notwithstanding Michael’s small pokes to keep him awake. Sighing he muttered to Michael, “I keep imaging Charlie as Obi won Kenobi. Doesn’t he feel similar? Old and wise?” Michael covered his mouth trying to hide his laugh. 

“So you watched Star wars?” asked Michael curiously, “didn’t think that was your type of TV.” 

Ayrton promptly turned to him, and said “do you think I am a robot? I have TV interests too!” 

Michael chuckled out loud, and then teased “Nothing Old man, of course you like star wars.”

Ayrton’s mouth dropped open. “You brat! I’m not old!” he adamantly refuted, voice raising to capture the attention of the other drivers. 

Michael couldn’t hold his laughter as he saw the pure offence on Ayrton’s face. Gerhard nearby decided to pipe in, “you are old Ayrton accept it.” 

He couldn’t believe his ears, Gerhard calling him old. And so he replied, “well it seems it’s still us old load winning, isn’t Nigel?” having noticed Nigel still lingering in the room.

Everyone was absorbed. This was an Ayrton they had never seen. He was shining like the morning sun, laugh echoing like a jingle, sparking warmth. Nigel, who now found himself dragged into the convo, played along joyfully, “yes young man. 39 and beating all of you.” 

Ayrton looked proud of himself, Michael noted. And so he quipped, “Still old.” before running out the room. Ayrton simply shook his head, before saying quietly, “this kid,” staring fondly after the lad. 

Looking up he could feel a dozen gazes on him. Everyone quickly noticed they were staring, tried to avert - awkwardness settling back into the room. Nigel quickly noticed Ayrton retreat into his quiet self, and moved to stand beside him. 

“Don’t worry Ayrton, you can show this kid on track how old you truly are,” spoke Nigel with an air of teasing. Ayrton looked at his fellow champion. Nigel had a jovial countenance with an ever present smile. All-in-all, he was a genuinely nice guy.

Ayrton laughed, taking Nigel by surprise, “You said that right Nigel. Congrats again man on the championship. Enjoy it.” With that he left Nigel dumbfounded. 

All other drivers who had observed this blackswan event could only stare after the Brazilian. “So may he isn’t the cold geezer we all thought him to be?” spoke Martin Brundle outloud, with other drivers nodding along as they watched Ayrton sprint after the mischievous Michael. 

Lewis was kicking his legs around, balancing on the metal railing to try keep himself entertained. All the packing done so now just waiting for the drivers to return. Looking at his watch he noted how late it was. Ayrton was taking a lot longer than usual to come from the debrief.

He heard thundering steps nearing him and before he could do anything, arms grabbed him. The shock pull left Lewis falling towards the floor, when he landed a very muscled chest. And looking down he saw the bashful Michael aka the culprit for pulling him down. Then he looked up to see his love offering his hand, laughing at Lewis' complete bafflement.

Finally on solid ground, Lewis coughed out, "Well. What the fuck?" 

Ayrton and Michael felt like two kids. Eyes avoiding Lewis' strong gaze and he waited for an answer. And then Ayrton turned on his charm, "Michael called me old and then ran away." 

Michael looked at him betrayed, mouth open as Ayrton began the game. Lewis felt his head ache. 'Children. That's all they are.' 

"Love. We are both old. Does that help?" Lewis agreed. Michael's head immediately snapped up, ready to defend Lewis when he caught his look. 'You say one more word, you die' was written in Lewis' eyes.

"Let's go boys. Days done and I need a nap, as the old man I am," shouted Lewis as he walked back to the garage, Ayrton trailing behind. 

"Michael I propose you pay for our dinner as an apology for the terrible insult?" Joked Lewis, as Ayrton pressed a chaste kiss to his neck as they walked back.

Michael could only look onwards. The love the pair had for each other. The ability to lean on each other. He wanted to be there. To be taken care of too. Pushing his careless thoughts away, he too departed to end the day. "This is enough. At least I can see them for dinner," He whispered to himself, trying to give himself some comfort, as the wind swished by giving a vague feeling of embrace. 

-linebreak-

Lewis and Ayrton found themselves in a quaint Italian restaurant just nearby the track, as Michael deftly rattled out their order to the waiter. Both nursing a nice ice cold beer, they unwound for the long week. Michael excitedly relaid that he was getting interest from Ferrari and he noticed how Ayrton's eyes shone at the news. Was that pride? He couldn't tell.

'He cares,' was all he could think as they paid rapt attention to his continued rambles.

Ayrton had his arm wrapped tightly around Lewis - the other snuggling deep into him. 'This is happiness.' Ayrton thought as he watched Michael and Lewis debate on the top gun movie.

Michael let out a full bodied laugh as Lewis tried to convince him (and failing) that Maverick was the hottest man in the film. Lewis was dying in frustration. He had met Tom in real life for goodness sake. He knew how hot he was.

Michael had become a lot more comfortable with himself, Ayrton noted, slowly accepting his sexuality while getting used to the F1 circus. 

He was curious. Besides Lewis, the boy was still so new to this world. Had he given himself time to truly explore yet? Lewis and Michael's debate had come to a stalemate and he felt Lewis stroking his arm, with his voice floating in "Ayrton are you okay?"

Blinking, almost as if awakened from a trance, Ayrton replied, "Yeah, I was just thinking."

The night unwound as finally the stresses were released and drinks were knocked back. Lewis was warm, head a tad fuzzy as he leant further into Ayrton, who wasn’t much better. 

Michael felt happy - almost as if floating but yet still aware. He had never felt so comforted and so belonging. 'Finally people I can rely on,' and so he decided to finally ask.

"How does gay sex work?"

Lewis and Ayrton both sat upright, jaws dropped open at what they heard. They looked at each other, unsure of what to say.

Michael watched their reaction, not sure if he had now suddenly crossed a boundary. 'Oh no have I ruined it. Fuck.' 

Ayrton noticed the kid's panic and quickly coughed out, "kid relax. You just caught us by surprise."

Lewis by this point had come out of his shock and was trying to think of what was the best way to explain. 

"Um so… I presume you had sex with women right?" Asked Lewis hesitantly. Michael nodded, all his attention on them.

"Well with men, it's a bit different. Men.. um don't have the vagina like women. So with men, when you go all the way, it's usually referencing to anal sex," spoke Lewis, trying to remember everything he had learnt back in sex Ed.

"Lewis, I'm not a kid. You can explain more," replied Michael, trying to hold in his laughter. 

Ayrton felt the atmosphere relax a bit and so decided to take the reins. 

"Essentially kid, it's all about what feels best for the both of you. Some like to be on top, some on bottom. Some like both. By top it often refers to the person he.. um… fucks the other. And bottom the one.. you get me. You know what kid, porn would probably be the best here." Said Ayrton, all his confidence disappearing and leaving him a stuttering mess.

Michael laughed. The two most in love people he had seen, struggled to even describe what they did.

"I just… I want to know how it feels. Be able to discover what I like, but in a safe space," let out Michael, his fears finally coming open.

Lewis looked at him knowingly. "I don't normally recommend one night stands, but it would be a way for you to explore, without too much worry."

Michael looked at him - eyes filled with longing. Without knowing, Michael muttered, "I wish it could be you two." 

Ayrton and Lewis stilled. Did they hear that right? They knew of Michael's crush on Lewis, but on Ayrton too?

Ayrton had until recently seen Michael as his rival, as a person to avoid. But the last month the kid had been breaking his walls - and become a… well a friend now to Ayrton. A person he felt he could finally call his friend in the paddock. 

They didn't know what to say, and were both very grateful that Michael continued - not realising he had said that outloud. "Maybe you're right. I can try that," he affirmed, once again pushing down his wishful imaginations. 

Lewis leant forward, gently touching him. "There is no rush Michael. You discover with whom you feel comfortable, and in your own time."

Michael looked down, heart overwhelmed by their acceptance, heart still skipping a beat as they looked after him.

"Come now. We all have early flights, and I'd rather not be hungover," started Ayrton as he left the cash and led Lewis out, who had begun to lean heavily into his shoulder.

Michael followed, feelings in a whirlwind as he made an additional discovery tonight. 'I want Ayrton too.' Still blissfully unaware that he had let his heart’s desire be know to the open tonight. 

The trio departed. Lewis and Ayrton watched him go. 

"I don't know what to do mi amorzinho," sighed Ayrton. "Do we help him? How do we get him out of his crush on both of us?" He laughed, part nervousness and at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. How could he be the kid's crush? Lewis he understood - Lewis was like a force that drew you in. But him? An old man with barely any friends, and not to mention running out of race time?

As his self critic awoke again, he was jolted out by Lewis' uncontrollable laughter. 

Lewis said, words almost tripping over each other as his sleepy mind now took over, "maybe we show him how bad at sex we are." 

Ayrton laughed and then stopped. "Wait, are you serious?" Jealousy began to ice in his veins. He did not like to share. 

Lewis, having regained some of his energy, teased, draping his hands over Ayrton's shoulder, to whisper closer to his ears, "wouldn't you like it? You could show him that I'm only yours? And let's be honest, he is very handsome." 

As soon as those words left Lewis' mouth, under the dark cover of the night, Ayrton quickly twisted them around. He captured Lewis, arms wrapped around his neck, bringing him close - "You are a little minx you do know this right?" 

Lewis could only giggle. "I was only joking. You are mine and I am yours. You are not the only one who doesn't like to share. Come let's go. We have an early flight and I need some sleep."

The pair departed, but now new discoveries were made. Though they couldn't tell if it would be for the better or worse.

Chapter Text

Lewis was lounging on their sofa. It was funny that his little loft flat had now become their home. He had always imagined that Ayrton would have his own place in London, given his ties to Mclaren - but when he found out that he lived in hotels, he couldn't let him.

And so as he twiddled a glass of wine between his fingers he watched Ayrton finish the dishes. Things had been calm. Despite the curveball with Michael, the kid seemed to have completely forgotten those words and Lewis and Ayrton both agreed it was better to let that rest than bring it back to the surface. Michael was figuring things out and a crush wasn’t going to stop them being there for him. 

'God that man - how can he make doing dishes sexy?' Pondered Lewis, biting his lips as he watched Ayrton move his hips to the radio that was blasting out Elton John. In all fairness, Ayrton was doing them shirtless - so clearly he was trying to seduce him.

Acting on his inner voice - he set his wine down and stealthed towards him. Ayrton, simply in his own world, jolted when he felt Lewis' arm snake round his naked torso. 

Smiling to himself he let out a sigh, and spoke teasingly, "Hmm my baby wants attention?"

Lewis smirked. So that's how he wanted to play it. 

Withdrawing his arms, letting his fingertips slightly linger on Ayrton's bare hips, smiling at the immediate effect as he saw Ayrton's jaw clench subtly. 

Innocently he replied, "No just wanted to give you a hug. I can't hug my boyfriend?" He stood close - not quite leaving Ayrton's personal bubble - but maintaining an infuriating distance. 

Ayrton closed his eyes. He is a competitive man and so was Lewis. He knew what he was doing.

So he focussed back onto the dishes, listening to Lewis' retreating footsteps. 'He knows he is playing with fire. Let's see how long he can wait.'

Lewis couldn't keep the smile off his face. He knew Ayrton was confident he would cave first, but today he was in control. So he went to shower. 'Time to prep,' he giggled as he disappeared into the steaming room. 

Everything was spotless, pans all meticulously put away. Ayrton sighed. His body was tense with anticipation and curiosity. He hadn't heard from Lewis for nearly 45 minutes. No sounds. Nothing. They were engaged in a cat-and-mouse game - a test of wills that Ayrton was losing, badly. 

A frustrated groan escaped him. ‘I can’t take this silence anymore,’ he angrily contemplated, pacing around the kitchen isle. 

Meanwhile, Lewis could hear the hastened footsteps, to-and-fro as he let Ayrton ruminate on his next step. He chuckled. Letting himself fall back lightly onto the soft bedding. He was in his favourite nightgown. A flimsy little thing he sneakily bought, coloured in a passionate red, with gold flowers woven through. It left nothing to imagination - which was exactly what Lewis intended. ‘As soon as he sees me in this, he will not be able to control himself. But tonight, he is mine,’ he gleefully mused. As his mind wandered down the endless avenue of imagination, a figure appeared in the doorway. 

Ayrton couldn’t take it. It was now an hour and nothing. What was he doing? Why was he still in the bedroom? Was he asleep? All these questions circled round his head - when the real reason sat below his waist line. He needed Lewis. That simple touch still lingered, continuously feeding his ardour. With a huff, he promptly appeared at the doorway, breath taken out of his lungs as he took in the sight. 

Lewis in a luxurious red gown, curls perfectly tousled, framing his beautiful face as he was lost in his thoughts, smiling to the world. With the sudden sound, the other was broken out of his reverie to stare at the almost frozen man in the doorway. And there it appeared. The sultry smirk, lips twitching as Lewis leaned back, slightly arching his back and keeping his legs spread invitingly. 

Looking directly into Ayrton, eye’s twinkled as he spoke “Oh now you have come?” Further leaning back, letting Ayrton’s eyes roam over the now exposed chest as the gown slightly opened up. 

A gulping sound was heard. Ayrton couldn’t move, it was as if he was no longer able to control his limbs. Until Lewis ordered, “come here. Don’t you want to come closer?” His body followed immediately as he quickly moved between those luscious legs. 

“Lew, you drive me crazy,” he growled as he quickly captured Lewis’ lips. But soon he found himself flipped, Lewis above him grinning wildly.

“You broke first. My turn to be in control sweetheart,” declared a triumphant Lewis, eye’s incandescent with passion.

Quickly Ayrton found himself pinned down, Lewis hand's making quick work on his trousers and pants. Ayrton almost moaned, his determination to resist restraining him, as a hand caressed him. Lewis smiled secretly as he suddenly twisted his hand, thumb stroking the tip as he began to work the base. The reaction was immediate. A loud groan was heard, followed by heavy pants as Ayrton gave into Lewis' teasing. 

Lewis continued to pump him furiously, precum liberally flowing, as Ayrton's hip bucked up in sync. Ayrton could feel himself getting closer to the edge - lower stomach tense and pleasant tingle running through him. And as he realised this feeling, everything stopped. 

Ayrton's eyes cracked open, mouth left agape as he searched for Lewis, who had now pulled a Houdini on him. He couldn't help but chuckle. 'This man always knows how to keep me on my toes.'

There he appeared, like an apparition from his dreams, a faint glow encompassing him. 

His body devoid of the gown, his sculpted figure on full display. Ayrton pushed himself onto elbows, letting himself observe the man approaching him. 

'He is all mine,' admired Lewis, as he let himself take in the fine form in front of him. Before Ayrton could blink, Lewis was back on top of him capturing his mouth in a messy lock. Lips moving fast, tongues quickly joining the race as Lewis held a strong lock on his jaw. He was telling him: 'I'm in control, you get as much as I give you.'

He leant forward to whisper hotly into the shell of Ayrton's ear, "Baby, you ready?" Ayrton gulped but nodded. He felt Lewis quickly lube up his cock, as he watched Lewis position himself on top. And there, time stopped. 

The slow slide as Lewis took him in, the mutual gasp as he bottomed out. Quickly Lewis set a hard and fast pace, lifting and slamming himself down. Ayrton was at his full mercy, only able to hold onto those voluptuous hips which were moving so languidly on top of him. Thick with arousal, heavy breaths as the pace picked up. Lewis planted his hands heavily on Ayrton's chest as he threw his head back, breath taken from him as his pleasure point was hit. 

"I'm going to cum. Cum with me baby," sighed out Lewis, strength now finally waning as he felt his orgasm build. 

"Yes, anything for you mi amorzinho. Anything for you," grunted out the other, hips now thrusted hard as he too lost his composure.

"Fuck," screamed out Lewis as he finally came, release spraying all over their chests. At the tightening of Lewis’ walls, Ayrton too gave into the pleasure, filling the other to the brim. Lewis shuddered at the feeling as he then slumped down on top of Ayrton, chests heaving at their intensity. 

“You can ride me anytime,” let out Ayrton, immediately letting out a whine when Lewis slowly got up. Lewis grinned back as he moved to the shower. “You are mine, don’t forget that Senna!” he hollered as he shut the door, leaving Ayrton with a dazed smile who then rushed to follow him in. 

-line break-

Cars roared round the track as F1 returned to Spa-Francochamps, a legendary track with an exhilarating layout filled with high speed corners and undulating hills. As per normal schedule, everyone was out for practice. 

It is a treacherous track at the best of times, but nothing was more exciting. Ayrton let the zone take over, relishing into the high speed and adrenaline. 

As Ayrton approached Blachimont a cloud of debris and fumes enveloped him. He slowed down and manoeuvred round, and there he saw it; the waylaid car of Eric Comas. Ayrton cursed - it looked like a heavy hit. 'Hope he is okay.' 

But he heard it. ‘The engine… the engine is still running,’ he realised, promptly stopping his car and clambering out before his mind could stop him. Engine still running meant one thing - Eric was unconscious. 

He ran desperately, vaguely realising he had just dodged one of the cars as they too arrived to the scene. ‘The engine. It needs to be switched off now otherwise it could risk an explosion,’ thought Ayrton, reaching the car of his unconscious colleague. Blood pumping as he reached in, quickly flicking the switch and supporting his head to avoid any further injury. 

Vaguely he heard the other cars go around, mind fully focussed on just taking care of Eric. There he felt a hand on his shoulder. The paramedic looked at him in awe, glazed with respect as he said in broken English, "You can go. We have him." Ayrton nodded, releasing a heavy breath as he took one last look at Eric. 'He will be fine now,' he affirmed, getting up and walking back to the track side.

That day he had shown the F1 world - he is a Hero. A true Hero.

-linebreak-

Lewis' breath caught as he watched the scene unfold. He remembered this scene. Almost as if he was watching the youtube replay. Eric Comas crashed during Friday practice and that day Ayrton showed himself as a true hero of F1 - running selflessly to help his fellow driver. But this was real. Here he was seeing his love run recklessly to save another person, ignoring his own safety - and forgetting - he needs to come home too. 

His heartbeat raised, throat closing, Lewis feeling lightheaded with the rush of adrenaline as he saw F1 cars barely avoiding hitting Ayrton as he ran. He could only stare helplessly, waiting for the paramedics. “He’s safe. He is not hurt. He is safe,” he muttered under his breath. Face morphed into a mild onset of panic and concern, Tom noticed the distinct change in his friend. Quickly he led him away from the crowd and from the scene, moving the almost zombie-like Lewis out of eyesight, into Ayrton’s driver room.  

Quickly Lewis collapsed into Tom’s arms, breath now quickening as he felt the panic attack take over. 

“Breath in, hold, breath out,” a voice floated into his ears, strong arms not letting him go and keeping a steady pressure to anchor him to reality. Mind helpless, he followed the instructions and finally felt the weight slowly lift off him, like being slowly released from a deathly grip. 

Tom gripped onto his friend, watching as he finally regained his senses. 

“He is okay Lew, he is with the team now,” he murmured, feeling Lewis simply burrow further into his arms. “Let’s get you back to the Hotel - will tell the team you are feeling unwell.” 

Today was the first day Lewis realised that Ayrton could die at any time - and the feeling terrified him. ‘I can’t see another person leave me. Not again.’

-line break-

Ayrton was welcomed back with cheers, big claps on his shoulders with congratulations thrown about. But his eyes were searching. He knew what he did was reckless, but he couldn’t leave a fellow driver out like that. Not when he knew he would be willingly leaving him in danger. Yet was it right to be celebrated like this, when they knew he also put his life at stake?

He searched for Lewis, wanting to assure him he was okay but a frown formed when he couldn’t spot his amorzinho. As he turned he saw Tom, who slightly tilted his head to his driver room as he moved into the room. Ayrton followed. 

Tom looked relieved. His eyes filled with composure to see Ayrton was okay, but his forehead was scrunched upwards with lines forming. Hands twitching. 

“Tom, is everything okay?” he finally asked, patience now running out as he wanted to know what was wrong. 

“What you did there was reckless. I’m not going to congratulate you as that was idiotic, foolhardy and you forgot a very important fact - you have people waiting for you to come back.” The words bit hard into him. Tom was right, the outcome does not justify his actions. 

Tom sighed as he watched Ayrton deflate, his gaze had immediately drifted down, arms hugging his body as he made himself smaller. 

Again, his voice with less iciness and more warmth, Tom spoke, “You are a dear friend Ayrton, and you saved a man’s life today. Your heart is pure gold. But, today when we saw you run like that, cars barely avoiding you, all of us were reminded that no one is immortal, not even you. And we forget this Ayrton - as everytime you are in the car you are almost ethereal, so untouchable that even death can’t grasp you. But today, it seemed it could and shocked us, Lewis the most.”

Ayrton’s head stuck upwards at the reference of Lewis’ name, eyes now full of longing and concern for his partner. 

Reassuring him in a soothing voice,“He is back at the hotel, sleeping. He had a panic attack earlier, as this was something he had so fully forgotten. Ayrton, you are human, and one day you can vanish from us just like that, especially in this sport. And when Lewis realised this, his mind shut down. He is fine now, but tonight go to him, just to show him you are okay.” 

Ayrton nodded, and he said, voice full of sincerity almost choked up by the emotions raging within, “Tom, you are family. And I know today I must have scared you too. I’m sorry. I won’t think so reckless, and also thank you. Thank you for going out of the way to be there for Lewis and I.” 

Tom only smiled in reply, eyes twinkling. “I think a Rolex will be a nice birthday present this year,” he joked as he left the room.

Ayrton slumped. What a day indeed. 

-line break-

Lewis rested soundly, his mind reel finally ending. Life cannot be predicted and despite his hardest efforts, some events will not change. But butterfly effects can make a change - and he had decided, it was time to make the safety changes, he will do this to save the lives that could be lost. 

This way he can make a change, and maybe prevent the tragic accidents in the future, one that he was reminded may still be coming. 

The wind fluttered in, and to his blissful ignorance, another joined him. As Ayrton slotted in behind, those strong arms circling around him, he instantly felt Lewis sink closer to him, breath slowing even deeper as if subconsciously his body now felt his presence. 

Lewis felt Ayrton whose arms now surrounded him, and turned to face him. Gently cradling his face in his hands, Lewis said, “I was reminded that this could have been you today.”

As the words left his mouth, he felt Ayrton tightened around him, as he too became aware of his mortality. “You made me so proud. But I was so scared, because this sport takes as much as it gives.” 

Ayrton placed a soft forehead kiss, while looking deep in Lew’s eyes. “I am okay my love, and I promise I will always try my best to come back to you” he whispered softly, as he too finally let himself ground to reality and to his home. 

They knew this sport was unpredictable but for now, Ayrton was there and that was enough. 

-line break- 

The weekend buzzed pass bringing an amazing event with them - Michael Schumacher’s first win. Ayrton and Lewis were going crazy. His first win - at one of the most formidable tracks in F1. 

Michael had tears streaming down his face - unable to fathom what was actually happening. He was a race winner, a prize that not everyone got to achieve. 

And there he turned to see Ayrton and Lewis smiling brightly for him, their support felt constantly even through their proud looks. As Ayrton gave him a hug he felt the other pull him closer, “After the race take the jet with Lewis and I. We want to take you to London to celebrate.”

Michael nodded eagerly. This was definitely the best excuse to party. 

-line break-

London on a Friday night was bustling, streets around Soho packed with laughs jostling around from bar to bar. Ayrton and Lewis had decided today was the day they would take Michael to Heaven, London’s infamous LGBT club. 

Michael was jittery as Ayrton and Lewis led him through, able to get through the back entrance thanks to Tom’s connections. The man in mention, spending the weekend in Surrey with his girlfriend, but not without stuffing a million condoms in Michael’s hands before he left. 

“What if someone recognises me?” he asked, looking for some excuse, some reason to not enter. “Trust me no one will, enjoy the anonymity rookie, the only one they could recognise is Ayrton, and this is a club that all celebrities enjoy, not just the gay ones.” comforted Lewis as he slid a tequila shot into his hands.

Ayrton chuckled, throwing an arm around Michael’s shoulder and half shouting in his ear, “Now let loose. And we will be here watching out for you, so if you want to go we can go as soon as you want” as they all downed their first shot (of many) tonight. Michael let his eyes wander and finally deciding this was his chance to finally explore his sexuality, he moved into the crowd.

Lewis and Ayrton watched as Michael danced, instantly seeing many guys and girls perk up at the new handsome lad joining the crowd. 

Michael let himself sway with the beat, until his eyes met a pair of vibrant greens. A strong jaw and a pleasing smile, that was enough for him. Taking the courage he moved towards him, and the other stayed, happily letting Michael within his boundaries. Quickly their gazes turned molten and as they slid against each other, he felt himself tugged to the dark corner where he had his first kiss, with a guy. It was almost ecstasy. It felt right, navel filled with need as they kissed more desperately. Michael took charge, pushing the other more firmly against the wall as their lips danced. He knew now, he was bisexual, because this felt as good (or even better) than the girls he’s kissed. 

Lewis and Ayrton alternated between dancing and talking around the outskirts of the crowd, not allowing themselves to get too close because they still didn’t know who would be there. A ragged looking Michael extracted himself out of the crowd, hair clearly had been tugged in several directions, and a hickey forming on the side of his neck. 

Dazed, he confirmed to the pair, “I’m definitely bi, and that was probably the best makeout session I’ve ever had.” Laughing heartily they gathered together with a fresh round of shots, letting themselves give into the night. 

As the night wound down, they drunkenly wandered the streets of London, before finding themselves by the great Thames. 

As they stared into the calm waters, Michael screamed to the night, “I will be myself. I will not let anyone define me. I will be the best F1 driver that ever lived.” With eyes filled with determination and a booming smile that had taken over, he lit up the night around him.

His energy, his determination, his strength - it was inspirational and following his lead, Ayrton also screamed, “We will beat the world, screw anyone who tells us otherwise.” 

And there Lewis watched as two of the greatest drivers cemented a bond that might define the next generation. ‘And I will do my best to protect you both from the world that will try to bring you down.’ he vowed as he looked serenely to the moon that illuminated shores around them. 

This was what living was about - forming bonds with people that will set your life alight with inspiration and love.

Chapter Text

The rest of the season flew by, and by the end, Ayrton truly felt one with the paddock. The baby drivers of Michael, Jean Alesi, Johnny, and Martin all united to play the game of “Who can get the closest to Ayrton?”, however, Michael knew he had won this from the start. But whenever Ayrton mentioned Johnny and Martin, Lewis would crack up laughing. 

“They are just rookies, why are you laughing?” Ayrton would ask puzzled. Meanwhile, Lewis would remember the infamous grid walk, and Johnny's kind smile as he would defend Lewis against the criticism. Lewis’ smile softened. ‘Yes they will grow up well, I may dislike them at times, but they will grow up well.’

The season ended, with Michael overtaking Ayrton in the championship. “Beat you in my first season old man,” Michael teased as the three of them wound down from the season at a small pub in London. 

A prompt smack upside the head was delivered, with Lewis sporting a brother-like grin as Michael rubbed his head sheepishly. “Don’t forget who has your back,” Lewis threatened. Ayrton and him had worked so hard this year to finally bridge the gap between Ayrton and the other drivers, no competition would ruin it. 

Michael smiled sweetly, asking in a buttery voice and puppy dog eyes to match, “Can I have a kiss for my results instead then, if I can’t tease Ayrton?”

Lewis’ jaw dropped while Ayrton quickly delivered another whack on the head. “Kid, you don’t want to even go there,” he spoke lowly with a glare that could freeze the Arctic. 

As Michael was busy rubbing his head, Ayrton and Lewis quickly reconvened, heads turned together as they whispered, “We thought he was over that? He is over it right?”

Michael could see his two old men have an emergency freak out and decided to stop them there. “Actually, I think I met a girl I might like.” Lewis and Ayrton both slammed their heads together as they attempted to look at Michael.

“FUCK,” they both whined as they tended to their respective roles.“You can’t just drop this on us,” As Lewis fussed over Ayrton’s eye socket that he may have accidentally hit into, Ayrton asked, “Who?”

Michael gave a shy smile, “Just a girl I’ve known forever, but for some reason, she gets me.” Lewis looked at him, wise eyes looking at the slight rosiness of the cheeks and downcast eyes avoiding their gazes. ‘So he is now introducing Corinna,’ he remembered.

“As long as we get to be the God Parents!” exclaimed Lewis, before waving his hands to get the waiter. “I say some shots for the end of the season and the start of the new journey.” Joy, rambunctious laughter, and possibly some bad decisions were made (not that anyone would know), but life was young and that's all that mattered.

-line break- 

The gentle rays of moonlight filtered through the skyline illuminating the dark room. Soft breathing filled the silence as the night drew on. 

It was at this moment Lewis found himself in introspection. One life he ended, and he was reborn in another. He found that one missing piece - someone to truly love. He thought he would miss racing, yet being a mechanic filled him with more than enough joy. Through his job, he was able to support the one he loved. He turned his gaze to the man who had given him everything, who risked everything to be with him. A decision that many chose not to take in his past life. His soft gaze rolled over Ayrton’s sleeping face, he took in each small detail. His luscious eyelashes, his cute button nose, the way his jaw is almost as sharp as a razor in some views, but then softens. The little stubble he has now grown out, as they enjoyed their winter break. 

Lewis let himself breathe in the comfort that he could finally feel safe. And with that, a sense of calm lulled him back. As he drifted back to sleep he felt the warmth of a mother's embrace, reassuring him that everything would be okay.

-Present time-

1 Year later

It was Lewis' first death anniversary. One year since the shining light of F1 left the world, and everyone noticed it. Lewis' persona brought joy and light, it brought safety to the young drivers that were able to express themselves because Lewis did it too. Yet now, they no longer had anyone with the seniority of Lewis to fight for them, to push for change. It was almost as if F1 had suddenly gone stale. Viewership stalled, even dipping, as avid fans soon lost interest. It was an easy season, nothing like the scrap in 2021, despite Ferrari's fight, Red Bull had it wrapped up by Japan. 

'It was too easy. Nothing like the thrill I had with Lewis,' contemplated Max, musing over his first championship. All the drivers were in the room having all gathered for his Death remembrance. 

George and Valtteri sorely missed their friend. Mercedes were lost this season, achieving 3rd but never getting near the top. And they didn't know where to go with the car. It was wrong, but this was something Lewis always held a view on. But he wasn't there. And the Team suffered. 

Max and Charles sat close together. Despite everything, Max grew to forgive Charles. Though Charles' actions could never be forgotten, he couldn't blame him for Lewis' decision. Lewis chose to take his life that day, and he had to accept it. It wasn't easy, and it took Daniel locking Charles and him in a cupboard for him to finally accept it.

The two drivers had wept that day. Tears falling like a waterfall as they let out the grief of missing a key brotherly figure in their life. A figure that supported them till the end. Charles would never forgive himself. He couldn't. He betrayed the one person that he felt he could trust.

Seb kept going. Continuing his efforts in Lewis' missions, but he didn't have the tenacity, strength, or his charisma. It was hard to fight for diversity as a white man that couldn't sympathise with the struggles. But he kept fighting anyways. This was his penance to Lewis for the rest of his life. But most days it felt like he was missing a heart, nothing felt bright anymore, like everything passed by in a blink. There was no passion for life. When he was with Lewis, it was like his life was painted in a 1,000 bright colours, giving him something to rejoice in every moment of the day. But he lost it. Like a fool he made the biggest mistake and lost everything.

They gathered to grieve the person who made F1, who shaped the sport for the better.

But it was silent, morose even. 

"Enough of this silence. Lewis would want us to celebrate his life, not be stuck in this sad limbo. You knew him? Always smiling with his loud, sometimes stupidly affectionate laugh. But that's what made him Lewis Hamilton," shouted Valtteri. The big heart and willingness to drive forward despite all the adversity. Valtteri had enough. It was so silent, contrary to Lewis' persona. 

The room sat stunned. He was right. This is not how Lewis would like them to remember him. And so Pierre started, "He would always take time to play CoD. Even though he was terrible he knew I valued that time, as I was able to open up to him. He always did small gestures like that which made me feel seen and listened to."

And then the room was set alight. Stories spilling out as they connected over the light that brought them together. 

And there she smiled, wrapping her chosen one in the warmth of the love all the drivers had for him. 'You are so loved my child.'

-line break-

Breaking news: Alain Prost Returns to F1, joining Championship Winners Williams for the 1993 Season. 

As Lewis awoke he felt the coldness of the sheets next to him. 'Odd,' he hummed as he gingerly got up, 'Ayrton is never one to get up early.' Something didn't sit right with him, an uncomfortable prickling had settled under his skin with a sense of foreboding.

Lewis quietly slipped into the dining room and watched his love stare blankly at the wall. A frown had settled on his usually bright face, eyes normally painted in mirth now darkened with worry. He continued to approach, footsteps soft as he silently prepared their tea. 

Tenderly he slipped a hot mug into Ayrton's empty hands, wrapping an arm around him as he let Ayrton subconsciously lean into him.

Ayrton felt a presence, a sun-like warmth surrounding him. His body automatically relaxed into the figure. 'Ah it's Lewis,' his heart murmured, mind now also finally breaking out of its reverie.

Soft words of caution were heard. "Ayrton, love, are you okay?" asked Lewis in a calm, yet concerned voice.

Ayrton only hummed in response and a paper was shuffled in the other's direction. Lewis looked down, pondering what news could cause such a visceral reaction from Ayrton. 

'Alain Prost to drive for Champions Williams for the 1993 season'. His heart dropped. He remembered in the past, Ayrton and his manager had been talking to Frank, trying to get the seat at Williams. And to find out, that his rival had gotten the seat. The disappointment was rife on Ayrton's face. Yet again, Alain always got what Senna wanted the most.

He almost had forgotten. The infamous return of Alain. He wins his ultimate 4th championship to best Ayrton once again. His past knowledge had started to feel like fever dreams, almost as if they were his imagination, slowly losing their hold in his memories as his new life took root. 'I am already changing the future,' he pondered as he too processed the news.

The media at the time had been very focussed on Ayrton's reaction. But most of all he knew Frank had agreed to Alain's clause to not have Ayrton as his teammate. 'But I won't tell him this, he will ask me how I knew. Best I can do is be there for him.'

By this point, Ayrton's eyes were now keenly on Lewis. "I wasn't going to leave for Williams," he said softly. Lewis' head whipped towards him, eyes wide in shock. 

Ayrton wasn't trying to leave for Williams? In his past life, it was known that Ayrton had been angling for the seat. 'As you said dear child. You are already changing the future,' a voice reminded him.

Ayrton took Lewis' hands in his, eyes never leaving him. His face had now softened.

"I am upset that Alain is coming back. He is my ultimate rival and now he will go to the best F1 car, and probably win another championship. It hurts my pride," began Ayrton, voice almost wistful and gaze pensive.

"And that's what scares me. This year I've realised that I don't want to go back to that Ayrton. The one who is so far convinced they are right and will do anything to win. To play the villain. But yet with Alain, I find it hard to control myself," he finished, body slumping slightly into Lewis' hold.

He didn't respond immediately, suspecting Ayrton had more to say. So he continued to stay silent rubbing small circles onto Ayrton's palms as a calming gesture. 

"I don't want to lose my competitive side, yet I also don't want to let it consume me. Alain, he pushes me. His one year showed me I don't have that same drive but at the same time, I was able to find a new passion. To be a mentor, to be an example and to lead my team." 

Suddenly he turned to Lewis, eyes wild with panic. "I don't want to be the villain anymore. I want to be the fastest driver but I don't want my selfishness to ruin everything again." 

A sob wretched out of Ayrton and Lewis immediately pulled him into a tight hug and his boyfriend broke down. 

'I didn't realise how much Ayrton was struggling.'

In that moment, he realised Ayrton's change had been going against what his beliefs had been for nearly a decade since entering F1. Beliefs he built up to thrive and build a barricade against him and the forces of F1 that would crush you if you let as much of a crack show. And that he too had insecurities around his own character flaws, that he wasn't so unaware of the criticisms he faced. But he ignored it. He heard it, but continued to be a force to be reckoned with, as that's how he was able to forge his way into this world without support. Pure talent but no connections. Exactly what Lewis went through.

Slowly Ayrton's sobs subsidised, petering out to deep shuddering breaths. Lewis gently tipped Ayrton's head towards him, eyes gentle as their gazes matched. He placed a soft kiss on his lips, eyes never leaving him, saying 'I'm here.'

Then he spoke. "You are so amazing. You may be harsh, you may make selfish choices sometimes and you have had to play the role of the villain your whole career to get people to recognise your ability. But don't ignore your large heart, your selflessness, and your innate protective streak that saved Eric. That continues to worry about safety. The streak that now has given Michael a support in this never-ending rat race. And don't forget how you had to go against your religious beliefs to come to love me. You are no coward nor a bastard. You are the most courageous, loving person I know and the paddock sees it!" 

Ayrton's face had now morphed into awe as he watched Lewis' ferocity of conviction come out.

Lewis continued, "Do you think Mansell would ask you to join golf if he didn't like you? Do you think Martin or Gerhard would come to you for advice if you were still a cold wall? You have already changed and why worry about reactions? You recognise perhaps your less favourable sides and are willing to work on it, and that's more than most people."

He cut himself off with a small laugh, a tear starting to drop. It was almost as if he was talking to his old self. The one that fell into despair and got lost in the identity F1 assigned him. No, he couldn't let the same happen to Ayrton, he would protect him. 'I will not let those mistruths become his reality.'

Ayrton watched as Lewis also gathered himself, reaching out to wipe those small tears that had gathered in his beautiful doe eyes. He couldn't help but place a soft kiss on the bridge of his nose, his heart aching at the fact his love cared so much. His words were right. Why believe the words of others when he already knew who he was?

The pair stared at each other. "I am only human, and I have already shown to myself I have changed. I won't let the world place an identity on me, as I already believe in myself," he affirmed.

Promptly Lewis planted a passionate kiss on his lips. “Yes you are my love and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.”

-line break-

Ayrton tapped his foot as he waited by the front door. Lewis just disappeared this morning, no note, nada.

“Where the hell has he gone? Our flight back to Brazil is in 3 hours!” vented Ayrton, concern and frustration rolling off. The jingling of the keys alerted him and he immediately swung open the door, to be engulfed in two arms around his midriff.

“Mi hijo!” A very familiar voice muffled into his shirt. 

Ayrton looked down to see his Ma's teary face. “Ma?” He said slowly, “what are you doing here?”

Milton then entered the doorway, lugging what can only be his wife’s packing. “Well, Lewis thought it might be a good surprise to have us come to London rather than you fly to Brazil. We realised that you are probably exhausted from all the travelling.” 

Ayrton turned to his boyfriend, “Mi amor,” he whispered out before bringing him into a deep kiss. “Oi cut it out, there are children in the house!” exclaimed Leo as Bruno ran in to run straight into Lewis and Ayrton’s arms.

“Well this will be the best Christmas yet,” said Ayrton as he watched his family all come together in his home in Notting Hill, all for him. 

But his eyes drifted to the one person that made it possible. Lewis was laughing with little Bruno on his hip as Leo animatedly retold a story. ‘All because of you mi amor.’

Chapter Text

The gentle summer breeze blew wistfully through the thick foliage, as Ayrton took a sip of his water. The sun was shining that day, the sunshine giving him the courage to continue ploughing forwards. He sat facing the beach, letting the waves gentle rhythmic arrival soothe him. 

“So Ayrton, what are your thoughts on Alain coming back to the paddock, in the latest championship winning car? And your thoughts on Nigel leaving the team?” asked Francis Magehy, a close colleague and more importantly a reporter Ayrton trusted to write the truth.

They had decided to hold this interview in his garden on the back of his beach house in Angra dos Reis in Brazil, where Ayrton felt the strongest and also gave a nice break to a good friend of his. There was still a few weeks left before the beginning of the season, so Lewis and Ayrton decided to spend some time in paradise.  

“He should be coming back in a much more sporting way. If he wants to be sporting, then he must be prepared to race anybody, at any condition, at equal terms. The way he is behaving is like a coward. With the veto on me and the initial veto on Nigel. I think he is coming back helmed with the politics that ruined the 1989 and 1990 championships. I feel for Nigel, to win your championship and not being backed to win another, I can understand his betrayal and why he left.” As the strong words left his mouth, he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding back. That was what he felt and he was not going to hide it, and was not afraid of backlash from the french loving leaders of F1 or Alain himself. 

Francis observed Ayrton as he spoke. His jaw had slightly clenched, yet his tone remained as calm as ever, and here Ayrton stuck to his principles. ‘But is he angry that his potential return to a Championship winning car was blocked? Did he want to stay at Mclaren?’ 

“And so, you have had to stay with Mclaren. Was this motivated by the fact that William’s would not allow you to race for them?” asked Francis further, curiosity seeping out. 

“No. I told Ron, I will not abandon the team when we are struggling. They have only supported me, in times of both hardship and winning. And now I want to be the right team leader for them, I learnt that this year. Being able to lead a team back to winning ways is my new motivation, not just winning races and championships,” he spoke with such vigour and enthusiasm that Francis was taken back. It was a new side of Ayrton, the ruthless champion that only sought glory, what had now emerged was a F1 Leader, a driver that would now guide his team and aid them. 

Francis asked a couple more, but both knew that this interview was already going to be a bombshell. Ayrton shook Francis’ hand thoroughly. 

“Appreciate you spending time listening and agreeing to write this article,” said Ayrton earnestly, heart warmed at his friend coming all this way for this. 

“You have given me a very explosive interview Senna, so thank you!” laughed off Francis. At the corner of his eye he spotted the familiar figures of Michael Schumacher and Lewis Hamilton. 

Quietly he asked, “These two. I never see you without them. Just for all the years I had known you, you never let anyone get close. So why them?” A friendly yet quirky smile adorned his face, eyes narrowed as he watched Lewis tackle a taller Michael Schumacher into the sea. 

Ayrton stared at his lover and their friend, the joy rolling off them as they enjoyed the simple pleasures of shoving each other into the water. He chuckled, bringing Francis’ attention back to him.

“They were the first to make me feel like someone more than an F1 driver. They broke down my walls and showed me that making friends isn’t weak but what makes me stronger and more resilient,” he mused, voice softening as his mind was flooded with memories of Lewis’ unwavering support of him during the hardest moments this season, and Michael’s unabashed admiration and love of him that he showed to the rest of the paddock every time they went. He was loved, and a very lucky man indeed. 

Francis could see the loving look that had overtaken Ayrton, but that wasn’t a story he wanted the world to see. ‘No that is only for them,’ he thought as he said his goodbyes to the F1 driver and let himself enjoy the soft sand underneath his feet. 

Ayrton walked slowly to the pair that had now exhausted themselves and were slumped on the beach chairs, now raking in the sunshine. Lewis’ skin glittered in the sun, that caramel skin tempting Ayrton further. He quickly stripped himself of his shirt, leaving him in his favourite swim shorts (which were really short) and planted himself on top of Lewis. 

“Ayrton,” gargled Lewis, “I… can’t-” His voice was cut off by a sudden release of the weight on top of him and a solid kiss being placed on his lips. Lewis melted at the feeling of Ayrton’s soft lips taking his breath away, leaving him with an intoxicating dizziness.

“Oi!” moaned Michael on the side, “I’m here too you know. If you are going to kiss, at least share it.” Lewis and Ayrton cheekily looked at each other, nodding as they launched themself onto Michael. In quick succession, Lewis and Ayrton planted two kisses on his lips before letting him up to process.

Michael stilled. “Did you guys just kiss me?” he asked, stunned.

“Well you said share it, so what’s the harm of a lil kiss from your best friends?” replied Lewis, a shit eating grin painting his face.

“Plus, you haven’t mentioned Corinna? What happened?” asked Ayrton further, Lewis and him now settled into each other's arms, Ayrton leaning back into the chair with Lewis in between his legs. 

Michael looked down. “We are yet to set up the next date, and we haven’t spoken a lot. But I do want to get to know her, just, I’m worried about what she will think of me?”

Lewis hummed and then spoke softly, “Sometimes you have to take the jump. If your gut is saying to try things further with her, then do it. And who knows you may even have a cute lil son that we can be godparents to.” 

His mind drifted immediately to. ‘“Wait, what was his name?’ panicked Lewis, face pinched as his mind struggled to bring back this memory. 

‘Michael… Mick! That’s it!’ He now remembered, but it scared him. How much is he forgetting? Ayrton and Michael had started their own conversation, letting Lewis have his moment. Lewis drew himself back in, but mind elsewhere as he realised, slowly he was forgetting his old life. ‘Am I also going to forget myself?’ His heart clenched at the idea that he may forget his identity, the 8 time World Champion.

“Mi amor, are you okay?” fretted Ayrton, worried about the sudden pinched look on his love’s face. “No I’m okay, just think the sun is getting to me. I’m going inside, I think I’ll have a nap,” rushed out Lewis, head still spinning and wanting to escape for some time alone. 

Ayrton and Michael nodded and watched as Lewis ran inside. Michael turned to Ayrton, worry lines showing.

“What do you think set him off?” he said as they stared at the waves rolling on the shore, letting a sense of calm settle between them.

“I’m not sure, but best we let him be. Sometimes, we just have those moments in life and need to be with ourselves,” he replied, knowing that space and time sometimes are the only healers in life. He suspected it must be to do with his past. Lewis still rarely spoke about his youth or his past love that betrayed him. So Ayrton still had so much yet to learn about his love, while he felt Lewis knew him inside out. That disconnect always seemed to simmer underneath, but he wasn’t going to push Lewis, not yet. But the question remained in his mind, ‘Do I even know Lewis truly?’ 

-line break- 

Lewis clambered into the shower, eager to get all that annoying specs of sand off him and needed the repetitive thumps of the shower drops to lull himself back into a secure mindspace. As he leant against the shower wall, he let himself think.

‘My memories of my past life are slowly going away.’ He tried to remember the names of some crew members or school mates or past F1 drivers that he drove with, and found he was at a loss. 

“I guess now that my consciousness has become embedded in this timeline, my brain can only remember so much. But, the past me, that is who I am! I am not the Lewis in this life, so how can I suddenly lose the memories that make me?” he cried out, distressed at the realisation that soon he may not remember his past life at all. His Roscoe, his dad, his mums, Daniel, Max, Toto, Spinner. All the people that stood by him, soon to be forgotten? 

‘But you left them first,’ a sinister voice spoke up. Lewis stilled. ‘No, I did what was best. They are happier without me!’ As the torment reemerged, his legs felt shaky and he quickly found himself collapsed on the floor. His arms wrapped around his knees as the guilt began to come over him in waves. His head flopped onto his knees, head pounding at the complex realities that he faced. 

‘No I must remember them, they are my family! I have too,’ he determined, that was the only way he could be himself. ‘Let me write it down. Everything I remember. That will help me never forget.’ He applauded himself at this idea. Lewis dried off and quickly pulled out a notebook he always kept with him.

“Time to start rewriting my history I guess,” murmured Lewis, giggling at the ludicrousy of this. ‘I can’t lose myself, I can’t.’ he chanted almost hypnotically as he began to write away. 

-line break-

Ayrton and Michael spent a bit more time out in the sun, but Ayrton couldn’t help but worry. ‘Why was Lewis so panicked? What caused it?’ he pondered as he found himself outside their door. As he walked in, Lewis was sound asleep, body curled around a pillow and a notebook fallen to the side. He quickly placed the notebook on the side of the bed and pressed a chaste kiss on Lewis’ forehead. He immediately noticed the tension in Lewis’ face softened, warming his heart. ‘Whatever it is Lew, we will get through it together.’ he thought as he stroked his curls, before moving to the shower himself. 

Michael sat on the balcony of the guest room. Lewis always seemed to know something, it felt odd the way he spoke about the future with almost certainty. ‘Even the fact he knew the name of the girl I was talking to?’ But it didn’t make any sense, Lewis couldn’t read the future. 

“I’m just being silly now, Lewis can’t foresee the future!” he chuckled to himself, “The sun was definitely getting to me.” He laughed again at the insanity of his thoughts. He let his eyes instead drift to the now setting Brazilian Sun. Stretching his legs out further, he let himself bask in the setting rays. ‘Now this is a Brazilian Holiday,’ he daydreamed with a wide smile. 

-line break-

F1 was back, testing starting with the uproar and restart of the battle of the Titans. Alain looked around, waiting with gusto to see Ayrton once more. 

He spotted him, chatting with his team while walking towards Alain. Alain smirked, waiting with a bated breath to see that fire that will come into Ayrton’s eyes as he sees him. The jealousy, the hatred, the longing. He wanted to see all that. 

They were now opposite, reporters surrounding them like sharks. Ayrton looked at him, eyes devoid of… anything. Simple calmness, as if it was a blanket of water. “Welcome back to the paddock Alain,” said Ayrton simply, hand outstretched to capture Alain’s in a firm handshake. 

“Good to be back,” bit out Alain, mind racing at the computation that this was Senna? With that Ayrton left him and Alain stood there, head turning back to watch Senna’s figure drift away. 

‘This is a different Ayrton, he has changed,’ examined Alain as he walked to the William’s garage, eyes still fixated on the laughing Ayrton with the young kid Schumacher. 

“But what changed him?” he said under his breath, as he refocused himself on the car. 

The game was now afoot, but who would break first?

Chapter Text

Qualifying was an interesting experience, returning to their old days with their recurring P1-P2. Ayrton smiled at the memory. The harsh words, the fist fights, the silence that plagued the old team mates. In the moment it was a bitter war, yet now as he looked back, it was just two men playing heroes caught up in their own world of glory. ‘Acting like children with no control’ he noted, shaking his head amusedly as he walked away from the car, and towards a twitchy Alain.

Alain glared warely as he approached, eyes narrowing when Ayrton thrust his hand forward to shake. The camera’s circling them continued to conduct a cacophony of snaps and voices, but that did not matter to the two rivals. On one side, a champion had finally learned to love beyond winning and on the other, another champion was yet to learn the peace of trust.

‘He’s still not used to my less aggressive persona I guess,’ he laughed to himself as Alain delicately took his hand, holding for only what was politely necessary and then retracting it sharply to his side. Ayrton had to suppress his laugh. He still inwardly loved Alain’s consistent distrustful nature. 

“Congrats, not bad after a year out and in a new car,” Ayrton genuinely spoke with a tame smile, lips curling at the ends as he saw Alain's instant fury rise to the surface. 

Alain stared at that satirical smile on that bastard’s face. ‘Of course he is going to mock me, and imply that this is easy given I have the best car,’ fumed Alain, hating how Ayrton was now playing the nice guy. He was never a nice guy . 

“Well, I do have three championships, likely a fourth to come this season,” replied Alain, an overconfident grin poking out with eyes filled with contempt, but the grin quickly vanished as he saw Ayrton's lack of reaction. Ayrton continued to maintain that same smile, no frown or furrowing of the brows. The whole paddock knew that Williams would be champions again, so the only thing he could do was do his best for Mclaren, and for Lewis. 

The two rivals were locked in silent warfare. Then a shout from his team broke Ayrton out of this playground battle.

“See you tomorrow Alain. May the best man win,” he said, winking and then walking away leaving Alain confused but fuming in his wake.

-line break- 

“I saw Alain was chatting to you, anymore barbs thrown your way?” queried Lewis as they lay tucked away in the hotel room. Ayrton’s arm was heavy around his waist, face snuggled deep in the crevice of his neck. A minute mumble was heard from the slumbering partner.

Lewis laughed at Ayrton’s childlike manner, as his boyfriend refused to answer and instead snuggled further into his neck. 

“What was that sweetheart?” he prodded again, turning over to look into his Adonis’ face, letting their eye’s meet in a continued slow waltz of adoration.

Ayrton tilted his face up, eye’s glittering with mirth as he smirked. “Simply to congratulate him meu amorzinho.”

Lewis’ face broke into a matching smile. “Well he looked like he ate a sour lemon, so whatever you said, good job!” 

Ayrton let out a barking laugh, immediately gathering Lewis back into his arms in a secure hold. 

“I love that you can be as petty as me sometimes,” he said, voice softer. He now had someone that would place him first and not his career or idol-like status. 

Lewis placed a small kiss to Ayrton’s brows, letting his hands gently brush over the tight muscles and feeling Ayrton’s tension flow away with each caress. “I have to support my boyfriend in all ways,” he whispered, falling back into the warm body next to him. Their eyes closed, letting the world fall away, until the next circus. 

-line break- 

Michael was exhilarated yet frustrated with his simple error in the race. The whole race at Kyalami he was able to keep toe to toe with both Prost and Ayrton, able to fight the two legends. He didn’t care if couldn't battle for the win, he could definitely battle the old man. 

And then he made his mistake. Got too close, clipping Ayrton and causing himself to spin out. Rookie him would have sworn at himself and then Ayrton, but now a year older, Michael knew this was going to happen many times. But man did it frustrate him that he couldn't give Ayrton a harder time. He chuckled as he watched Prost's very rigid figure as Ayrton smiled unabashedly to the crowd.

He turned back to his garage and heard someone calling his name. As he spun his body round, he felt a solid flick to his forehead. 

“OW! AYRTON! YOU KNOW I HATE THAT!” wailed a petulant Michael Schumacher in the middle of the paddock. Ayrton in his glory, cocked his eyebrow, stance relaxed. 

“You need to learn how to time your moves kid,” playfully scolded the elder as he slung his arm around the other's shoulders bringing him into a comfortable side hug.

“Yeah, that almost ended your race. My bad,” replied Michael, genuinely apologetic but still lighthearted.

“No sweat, even if you did I would have just made you buy all the rounds for a month,” Ayrton prodded further, watching Michael splutter in terror, merrily letting him go and jogging his way back to Mclaren.

“Wait! Does that mean if I do cause a crash you will make me pay? Ayrton, c'mon! You know I get paid so much less than you,’ yelled Michael, running after Ayrton, who quickened his sprint.

“AYRTON! OLD MAN! COME BACK!” a screaming Michael continued, running past several drivers who couldn't hold their grins. But one driver was not used to these antics.

“What is going on?” Asked Alain, voice drenched in confusion.

“Just Michael and Ayrton's daily show. They get on so well, it's just hilarious to see how they wind each other up,” replied Martin, watching eagerly as Michael tried swatting Ayrton who quickly ducked and letting Michael fall over his feet as he lost balance.

“But Ayrton hates everyone?” Stated Alain matter-of-fact. The group went silent. Johnny and Martin eyed him. ‘So the dislike is still there.’

“Why do you think that?” prompted Johnny, now curious to see where Alain stood on Ayrton.

“It's obvious he thinks he is better than everyone. He was sarcastic when he congratulated me earlier. And he never used to interact with other drivers. He can't change so quickly,” vented Alain, flustered that he was the only one that could see this. How did the others not understand this was all Ayrton’s act? 

“Well I think he's always been a pretty decent bloke. Never once acted patronising to me,” replied Mark Blundell, receiving nods of agreement with the rest of the men. “Though I have noticed he is not as reactive as before. Previously he would have bitten Michael's head off for that incident, I remember the anger that would fly out of him!” reminisced one of the others, earning a large chuckle across the group.

Alain couldn't hold in his curiosity and asked, “And he's not like that anymore? Ayrton always has been fiery and reactive? That can't have changed so quickly?”

“Must be a girl,” said Martin in a finite tone, “only a girl can cause a man to change so quickly!”

“Either way, he's much more social, measured and has taken to mentoring Michael. The Paddock now feels a lot closer, not sure if I am the only one who thinks so?” added in Patrese, a small smile appearing as he realised that the paddock no longer felt like a den of snakes. 

With that, they walked in their own paths, letting the Frenchman stew. Alain was left with the remaining thought, ‘So Ayrton has changed, this is the real Ayrton now?’

-line break-

Ayrton and him were not going to meet tonight as he had some PR duties to complete. Meaning Lewis was finally able to catch up with Tom. So they sat in a booth at some bar, nursing an ice cold beer to the melodic voice of George Michael, while Tom regalled his near-death encounter with a turtle. 

“So here I am, trying my best to stay afloat, you know how shit a swimmer I am, and this turtle just barges above me and I’m suddenly unable to come back up to the surface. Thought I was about to DIE!” exclaimed a jubilant Tom, radiant with his new holiday tan. 

“To think you took your fiancée on a pre-wedding honeymoon,” barked out Lewis, accepting the solid wack that Tom delivered on his head.

“Well Hannah and I knew if 3-time World Champion is offering you a full expense paid honeymoon a bit early, you don’t say ‘no sorry, I will wait till after the wedding and go to Paris instead,” threw back Tom, a huge smile planted as he watched the fondness rise back into his friend's eyes.

Lewis’ heart melted. To see his boyfriend treat his best friend so melted him like butter. “You deserved it Tom, really.”

“You both didn't need to do that for me,” Tom uttered, voice soft, head ducked as an embarrassed flush took over. 

“Well you put so much energy into taking care of both of us last season, it is the least Ayrton and I could do,” cheekily replied Lewis. 

Tom laughed. 

“Already getting used to the perks of having a F1 World Champion as a boyfriend hey?” teased the Other, watching Lewis slowly realise what he just said. 

“Fuck - Tom am I becoming a trophy wife already?” he fake fretted, trying to hide the big smile on his face. 

“You didn’t know?” asked Tom innocently, driving home the banter. Lewis felt all the tension of the winter just fade. He had really missed his friend. And there the sharp pang came at a ferocity that Lewis almost recoiled in shock. 

‘Friend? You stole this Lewis’ best friend. You are not really the Lewis he came to love as a friend,’ that nasty voice spat at him. 

Lewis’ body immediately folded inward, face marred by confusion and upset. The voice got louder. ‘You are a fraud, a liar, how dare you claim this life for your own?’ Tears were welling and Lewis was at a loss on how to control rapidly flying daggers into his mind. The world had faded, his breath shortened to staccato gasps. 

Just as his vision began to black out, a calm voice floated in. 

“Lewis, name five things you can see around you?” A hand had now wrapped itself around his wrist, a reminder to where he was.

Lewis didn’t want to open his eyes. It hurt too much. 

“Lewis, name five things you can see around you?” the voice asked again. ‘This voice is safe, I know it,’ so Lewis listened.

“I see the CD player, the speakers, the beer, the table, my trainers,” he stammered out, gasping breaths interrupting his speech. 

“And now four things you can feel?” the soft and secure voice prompted. 

“The coldness of the glass, your hand, my jeans and the wood,” he replied, his breathing evening out slowly, no longer feeling like fire burning across his lungs. 

“You are doing so well mate. 3 things you can hear?” he was asked again, he could hear the relief and determination in that voice. 

“Faith by George Michael, clanging at the bar, footsteps.” It felt like the oppressive weight was finally being lifted off his lungs, breath now coming in easier and easier.

“Two things you can smell?” 

“Cologne and sweat?” Tom smiled at his response. 

“And finally one thing you can taste?” 

“Beer,” said Lewis, voice finally back to full strength.

“Come here,” Tom muttered as he engulfed his friend in his arms.

“We don’t have to talk about it, but Lewis, it’s been a while since you last had a panic attack,” asked Tom concerned. ‘It has been a good 5 years since then. What could have set him off?’ he fretted as he watched Lewis gulp some water. 

“I will figure it out, don’t worry about me Tom,” half-smiled Lewis, trying to brush it off. 

Tom didn’t buy it, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to force Lewis to open up. ‘I will need to keep a close eye on him this season.’

“Come on, we have to get back now.” The pair slowly got up, Tom guiding Lewis gently, staying close to say ‘I’m with you.’

‘I have to be more careful next time. They can’t find out about my past. If they did, I don’t want to imagine the consequences,’ affirmed Lewis as Tom drove them to the hotel.

-line break-

The next morning, Lewis and Tom arrived at the Karting Circuit next to the track. Ayrton and Michael were keen to bond with some of the paddock, and decided to host a ‘Start of the Season’ karting race. Engineers and drivers alike would compete together, for fun of course. 

‘Just wait until they see Lewis’ driving,’ inwardly grinned Ayrton as he watched his boyfriend suit up, noticing the fired up glint in his eye. 

Around 10 F1 drivers had decided to join while a mix of Ferrari, Mclaren, William’s, Renault and Ford engineers made up the rest of the grid. They were going to do the usual qualifying style to decide the initial grid, with a deciding race.

All the F1 drivers looked cocky. Lewis smiled. ‘I can’t wait to wipe the floor with them. I wasn’t an eight-time world champion for nothing.’

Michael standing near Ayrton, noticed the near devilish smile on Lewis’ face. He looked back at Ayrton who had a matching grin. ‘What are they planning?’ he thought curiously, nonetheless climbing into his kart to start his qualifying round. 

-line break-

There was pin-drop silence. An engineer had trumped F1 drivers, including one which was considered one of the greatest qualifiers of all time, to get pole. And not only just grasp the pole, but have a margin of 5 tenths of a second to Ayrton. Michael, who qualified just behind Ayrton, was a picture of shock; jaw unhinged with his eyes widening as he stared at the timing screen.  

Lewis let the adrenaline flow out his body. His body missed the exhilaration of the circuit; the bottoming of his stomach as he flew through the corners, the intense concentration that alleviated his focus to another realm, the joy that filled his body to be one with the sport he fell in love with so long ago. As he clambered out his kart, he found his body lifted into the air by the group of engineers that joined him, with Tom leading the chant, “We are the Champions!” 

Ayrton began chuckling as he looked at collective surprise that had overtaken everybody. Michael, recovering from his initial state of shock, turned to Ayrton accusingly and complained, “You knew Lewis was so fast and you didn’t tell anyone?”

“You all underestimated him, as did I when I first karted against him. Then I lost 3 to 2, and conceded that he is bloody fast,” regalled Ayrton, pride filling his heart as he could brag about his love. 

“Lewis! You may have got pole, but don’t forget we have the race to go,” challenged Michael lightly. ‘I want to see what Lewis can really do, especially if you beat a 3 time world champion!’

And so the race began, and no matter how Lewis was hounded, he did not relinquish the lead. Just as Ayrton got close, Lewis would then eke out more time on the next lap. Michael battled Ayrton, but neither could understand how Lewis was staying ahead without ruining his tyres? He was infuriatingly staying just ahead of the touching point, yet no obvious degradation. 

It came to the last lap and Ayrton and Michael both decided to lunge Lewis at the hairpin, their karts just ahead, but Lewis simply kept his cool and passed them both at the straight, carrying momentum from his good entry into the corner, and there the race was won. 

The three were so fast that they had almost lapped the field until 5th place, and all Damon could think was, “Have they all got a blessing from Hermes? They ran the race untouched!” 

Pure elation rolled off Lewis in waves. Tom was clutching tightly onto him, screaming to the world, “This is my best friend and he just beat some of the best F1 drivers in the world!” Just as he was about to say something, Michael was running up to him and he found himself in yet another hug.

“You are just something else, Lewis Hamilton! A late breaker? Where did you even learn that! ” nudged Michael, a smile so bright that Lewis could feel his pride and newfound admiration. 

“Learned it with my Dad. I had always wanted to be an F1 driver, but sometimes dreams change,” he smiled nostalgically, as his heart clenched at the thought of Anthony Hamilton. ‘Who you left all alone? Is that how you repay your father, Sir Hamilton, the supposed pride of the British people?’ the voice perked up again. 

Immediately he felt nausea rise. Ayrton could see Lewis’ sudden overwhelm, so quickly sidled in, giving Michael and Tom a meaningful glance as he guided them out of the crowd. 

“Meu amorzinho, are you okay?” whispered Ayrton as he found them a quiet space. Lewis nodded, suppressing a sob as he murmured, “I just miss my dad.” 

Ayrton could only hum solemnly, squatting close to his side as he watched his love embrace his emotions of loss and love. 

Michael and Tom watched onwards, as other engineers and drivers looked worriedly in Lewis' and Ayrton’s direction.

“What happened to Hamilton? He just won against drivers, why does he look so upset?” inquired a Ferrari engineer, confused by the sudden sadness that engulfed the other engineer.

“Yeah! Hamilton was fantastic. He could have easily been in F1 with his driver skills, especially his late breaking! Bloody amazing,” burst out an excited Damon Hill. 

Tom gently spoke up, “It reminded him of his dad. His dad had taught him how to do that, but then they sadly passed when he was a young boy and Lewis had to give up on his dream to reach F1. So today it triggered those memories.” It was as if someone had cast a reflective cloud on the drivers, as they remembered how they struggled to reach the echelon of motorsport, but are reminded of the many others who are blocked out of the sport by no fault of their own.

They saw Lewis and Ayrton head back to the crowd, and quickly let the somberness go as they immediately wrapped themselves around their new star engineer/ driver. 

“I think this means drinks on Mclaren eh?” prompted Gerhard. Michael was immediately grateful for the other’s presence, he always knew how to add the fun back into a serious situation. 

“Yes I agree. Ayrton, would you do the honours?” added in Michael, teasing Ayrton who baulked at the now heavy bill he was saddled with. 

Lewis observed them happily. It was nice to see Ayrton enjoy himself finally in the paddock. He let himself fall back with Tom, while he fielded a million and one questions from all the other engineers. 

“It finally feels more like a family doesn’t it Tom?” thoughtfully said Lewis. 

Tom nodded as he looked at the new bond that began forming around them, as everyone forgot their rivalries for the day and remembering they all had their love for F1 in common. 

Michael and Ayrton looked back to find Lewis. His gaze focussed, yet not on the present, almost faraway, as if he was seeing something they couldn’t. 

Michael spoke slowly, “Is there something happening to Lewis? He seems… burdened almost?” 

Ayrton sighed. “Something is there, but he hasn’t mentioned anything and I know better than to push it. I just hope he opens up soon before…” He let his voice trail off as they headed into the pub. 

Deciding to rally the crowd, Ayrton took to the table and cheered, “To the new season!” Wild howls and ringing of the glasses resonated across the pub. This season was going to be a good one, everyone could feel it.

Chapter Text

The feeling gnawed at his skin like a constant itch. It unsettled him. The thought ‘What am I doing here?’ accompanied him most nights. He knew that answer right? “I’m here to find my true love. I’m here to have a life of being loved and to love” he muttered during yet another sleepless night. But as he spoke it outloud, the gnawing of his insides intensified, enough that his stomach cramped uncomfortably, as if it knew he didn’t believe it. 

Sighing deeply and body aching from no rest, he ventured outside, pressing a soft kiss on Ayrton's forehead as he left their shared bed. Making himself a glass of hot chamomile, he tried to get his racing heart to show down. Instead, the anxiety continued to charge ahead. The frustration continued to build- he just wanted sleep for fuck's sake! He slumped against the sofa, tears raining down his cheeks as he let himself sob. Why did he feel so sad? He had a wonderful life, yet it felt like he had nothing at all.

Head in his hands he dropped forward, body unable to pick him up any further. But then a soft caress around his shoulders jolted him upwards. In a panic, eyes wild, he stared at the person next to him. “Mãe?” he whimpered, body untensing as it instead collapses into the only mother figure he has in this world. 

“Shhh meu filho, I’ve got you,” she hushed, hands gently running through his curls as he wrapped himself into her. She held him tight as he continued to sob, frustration and confusion coming out in waves. “I love you my dear, I love you,” she continued to whisper, as if sensing his agony of not feeling like he belongs. 

“Mãe, do I belong here?” he asked desperately, voice almost too weak for Neyde to hear. 

“You came here from God meu Filho. You came here and brought joy and love to my Ayrton while lighting up our lives. You are the angel my son prayed to meet every night. You are here because God wanted you to be,” she calmly reassured, voice so soothing but sure that Lewis felt like he could believe her. So he did, just this once. ‘I belong here. She wants me here. Ayrton wants me here… I want to be here,’ he affirmed as he finally felt his eyes close against the comforting hold of a mother which he had longed missed. 

As he began to drift towards the valleys of unconsciousness, his heart let you, “I miss my parents. I miss them so much,” he muttered unawares, as Neyde felt her eyes prick in sorrow. ‘This poor boy still is in so much hidden pain. How can we help him?’ 

She too let herself rest against the secure back of the sofa, blissfully asleep as a figure came and draped a warm blanket around them. 

-line break-

Ayrton sat in the car, mind racing faster than the engine idling beneath him. Two nights ago, he'd seen something that captured his thoughts. Why couldn't Lewis sleep? Why were there tear tracks down his face? These questions had stayed with him since yet neither of the person’s concerned had said a word. ‘Mãe probably wants to preserve Lewis’ privacy. But why isn’t Lewis telling me what’s wrong?’ He huffed in exasperation. After the race I’ll ask him, he asserted, now deciding to get his head back into the qualifying. 

Qualifying went well. Third place, right behind the Williams cars. Ayrton felt proud—he had done his best at his home race. 'If I can win tomorrow,' he thought, his eyes following the bustling mechanics, focusing on one figure.

Lewis at that moment turned around and mouthed “I’ll be 30 mins, you go!”, face flush after the rush of the quali and eyes bursting with adoration as they made eye contact. He nodded, sending a cheeky wink his way and decided to see if he could bother Michael until then. 

-line break- 

Lewis jogged to the gate, where Ayrton waited. They had plans to grab food with Leonardo. Suddenly, he saw a kid on the ground, so he went over to help them up. He looked down to find a pair of familiar blue eyes staring up at him. 

Keke Rosberg struggled to keep hold of his energetic 7 year old, whose enthusiasm was being exhibited by the constant yanking of his arm. He could only smile broadly as his little boy would rush up with different drivers and personnel and gush about the latest thing he had learnt about an F1 car then carrolled them for an autograph. ‘Maybe he would want to follow in my footsteps. His karting is pretty damn good,’ gaze slipping away from his child. Nico had not yet said anything about one day being an F1 driver, but a father could dream. 

Nico could feel the different energy in the paddock. ‘Second race of the season,’ he baulked as he saw all the personnel running to and from as they wrapped up the day. He looked back to see his Papa close by, so he continued to speed through to see if he could find any more drivers to sign his book. A rush of engineers ploughed through the crowd and Nico felt himself engulfed, twirling him around and causing him to bump firmly into someone’s legs. He hit the ground hard, landing on his wrist. Pain shot through his arm, and he winced. As he attempted to get up, he felt a gentle pair of hands softly pulling him up to his feet. 

"Hey kid, you okay?" Lewis asked, concern etched on his face. He had seen the crowd of engineers nearly trample the boy, who had fallen hard on his hand. He jogged over to help him up. Nico looked up, relief and gratitude shining in his blue eyes. 

"Thank you, Sir," Nico said, his eyes bright with innocence and curiosity. Lewis felt his world tilt. 'This is Nico. Nico as a boy. This is the man I fought against, laughed with, and loved.' A chill ran through him as he looked at the young ghost of his past. "You're welcome," he replied, his voice strained. He kept his head down, brushing dirt off Nico’s blazer to avoid meeting his eyes. Nico was about to speak when a voice shouted, "Nico! Where are you?"

Nico rushed out of Lewis’ grasp. While Lewis was grateful that Nico here never would know him, it was almost symbolic that Nico would never remain in Lewis’ hold, not in any life. 

“Oh thank you so much for looking after my son! I apologise for any inconvenience, I know you must be busy!” heaved a red-flushed Keke Rosberg, no doubt having spent the better part of 5 minutes trying to find his boy, dignified by his prompt drop to the ground next to Nico. 

Lewis stared at the man. A figure he considered an almost second father in his past life. He felt a genuine smile take over, letting the warmth of Keke's gentle hugs and his wicked stories embrace him as he finally saw him again. He doesn't know if Keke ever knew what Nico did to him, or what they were. But more than anything, he wished he didn't so he could indulge in their innocent childhood memories of him without any stains that would hide those happy moments away.

‘That he wasn’t one more person that left me,’ he prayed. 

“It is no problem, do try to keep him with you as the paddock is rather busy given the race is starting soon,” said Lewis, a gentle smile gracing his face but he could feel the restraint to keep those cheekbones up. Keke smiled back, grateful for this busy man who with such caring eyes had looked out for his son. Nico continued to stare at Lewis in awe as he realised, almost exclaiming, “You are Mclaren mechanic?” 

Lewis’ smile faded, his jaw clenching as the child’s innocent voice pierced through his defenses. He couldn’t engage with Nico anymore. His heart was ready to shred again just at the sight of those eyes. 

“Nail on the head kid. I've got to go, but be safe!” He uttered, back already turned as he began to jog back to his garage, ready to just avoid the past. 

Lewis wasn’t going to see Nico again, not if he could help it. Those pure baby blue eyes only set ruptures in the dainty patchwork that Lewis had finally laid on his heart. He tried to think of the large palm trees in Brazil, those large green leaves which he had stitched on as he tried to feel the love Ayrton had for him. But the patchwork still left the void first created by Nico. He had taken the first piece of Lewis’ heart and then Seb, who nearly took the whole thing. 

So Lewis had to escape, running away from ghosts from another life. Lewis took the pause, his beating heart betraying him as he felt the rising feelings of loneliness and his own self-hatred. ‘I should not be lamenting over the fact that I still feel my heart ache at the look at those baby blue eyes.’ 

He frowned, eyebrows furrowed deeply as he walked towards the gate. ‘Why the fuck am I still reacting to that bastard? I have a wonderful boyfriend, I don’t need him.’ And yet Lewis couldn’t deny his feelings. ‘Despite being with the one I love, why can I only feel the hollowness of my heart ring out? Why do I still feel so inadequate?’ He let his mask back up. This was the only way he could keep his focus, pushing down his feelings so they don’t get in the way of a life he died for. ‘This is the way I can keep my focus on Ayrton, on this life.’ 

But a distracted Ayrton, who momentarily wanted to just stare at his beautiful boyfriend, only watched as his love frowned deeply, jaw so tense he could see the veins pop. Before he could observe further, Lews’ face quickly morphed into a poker face that he was even yet to break down. ‘That was odd. What would have caused him to be so worried?’ 

As he opened his mouth he heard Lewis call his name, “Ayrton! Sorry I got delayed as a kid accidentally slammed into me,” explained Lewis, his odd temperament earlier seemingly gone as they climbed into the car. “All good meu amorzinho, let’s go, Leonardo is waiting.” Ayrton let Lewis ramble on about the day, but his mind continuously wandered to the question: ‘What is going on with Lewis?’ 

-line break- 

They arrived at the track early the next day, Ayrton, Michael and Lewis all wanting to get a good run of the track before a very busy day. So the trio wrapped up their last lap, sweat coating them as they watched the final movements of the sunrise. 

Lewis took a bottle and began to throw the water through his hair and face, letting himself cool against the ever growing sun. Ayrton gulped as he watched the droplets follow the rivets of Lewis’ face, flowing down just to his most sensitive part on his neck. As he automatically began to lean forward to just briefly put his lips on his man, he found himself yanked back with a severely unimpressed Michael. 

“Nope,” he said, the tone sharp enough that Ayrton was shaken out of his revere, now aware of what he was just about to do. 

Flustered, Ayrton rapidly went to deny it, “No! I wasn’t going to do anything!” 

Michael merely peered down at him, a frown now appearing. “You looked like a dog staring at a chunk of meat, you were about to eat him,” said Michael matter of factually as Lewis approached them, unaware of the almost disaster. 

“Michael, why do you look like you just swallowed a lemon?” asked Lewis, confused at the sight of a half enraged yet embarrassed Ayrton next to him. 

“You are lucky I love you two,” uttered Michael. “Oh? Then you wouldn’t mind this?” innocently spoke Ayrton as he dumped his bottle of water over Michael’s head. Michael spluttered at the sudden cold shock that ran through him, eyes ablaze. He could never turn down a good prank war. 

Lewis quickly joined the fight, equally drenching his boyfriend who now angered by the betrayal captured Lewis and proceeded to hold him tight as Michael drenched them both.

‘This is right, I can feel it.’ Hummed a content Lewis as he started the day's work (after a thorough shower). 

He entered through the garage but then felt a sudden shove to his side. The suddenness caused him to topple down, marginally missing the sharp counter edge. As he tried to collect his wits, a voice growled out, “You should know your place N****. Ayrton is not your friend.” 

Lewis’ heart froze. He hadn't yet experienced any hostility. ‘Where is this coming from?’ He looked up, this was a new face he realised. The other man quickly moved away as he noticed Tom approaching them, a hand already extended to pull him up. 

“When are you going to stop falling over, Lewis?” joked Tom, his grin quickly disappearing as he saw the loss of focus in Lewis’ eyes. “Hey man you okay?” he asked again, voice more serious and cutting, taking Lewis out of his reverie. Lewis nodded but he couldn’t relax the tension now held in his face. He quickly moved away and focussed on the task at hand - the race. 

-line break-

Winning in Brazil is the most euphoric feeling for Ayrton. Not even championship wins could feel as good as celebrating as one with his home crowd, under the proud eyes of his entire family. He heard the jubilant roars from the crowd as he lifted the trophy on the top steps, eyes raking over the many happy faces he could see below. And there, his love, standing and yelling his name with the crowd and his team. He let his eyes rest there for a moment, feeling the adrenaline increase as he felt the support of everyone he loved around him. 

Lewis was ecstatic. For Ayrton to win again at Brazil, it was the best possible ending they could have ever got for this weekend. Oh how he loved the Brazilian crowd, fondly remembering his own charge in his own timeline. He looked up again to see Ayrton’s eyes on him and kept the fond gaze, smiling back with a cheeky wink at the Champion above him. ‘His performance today needs to be rewarded,’ mused Lewis as he watched Ayrton jump around with the champagne on the top step. Ayrton meanwhile could not get Lewis’ gaze out of his mind, the sultry wink sent his way caused shivers of pleasure through his spine. ‘Later,’ he thought excitedly. 

-line break-

The party continued in the streets of Sao Paulo, Lewis and Ayrton crowded in the middle of a random club having lost a lot of their team at various points of the night. They were free here. Against the thumping beat of bossa nova, Lewis swayed his hips, feeling the tension leave him. Ayrton stood close, not yet touching but within an enticing inch away. Lewis huffed. Oh how he wanted to freely touch him, pull him in for a dirty kiss in front of the charged crowd, and feel his man’s body against him. ‘But we can’t, not here.’ But he wanted him now. 

Grabbing Ayrton, he led them out and hailed a waiting taxi. He shuffled them inside, restraining his hands to not rest and squeeze those glorious thighs next to him, but letting himself softly hold the other’s hand against the cover of the night. Ayrton was thrumming with excitement. The sexual tension had settled beneath his skin. He was dying to touch his man. 

The taxi soon pulled to a halt and they tumbled out, eager feet carrying them inside. The door shut hastily as they escaped into their haven.