Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jane Austen Never Said Anything About Speed Dating

Chapter 1: Even the Bennett’s Weren’t This Bad

/ / /

Jason honestly has no one to blame for this mess but himself.

When Dick said he wanted to try the new restaurant at one of Gotham’s more exclusive hotels he should have known something was up.

But they hadn’t hung out in a while outside of family stuff and as annoying as Dick could be, Jason misses spending time with his brother.

Since starting his graduate program last fall Jason’s life has mostly consisted of reading, studying, more reading and working. He still goes to family brunch every week but it wasn’t the same and Dick has been bugging him for a while to go to a movie or dinner or something.

So when Dick asked about dinner this week, Jason actually had a night off and so, like an Idiot he said yes.

When they get to the hotel there’s about 50 or so people milling about and Jason hopes Dick made a reservation, otherwise they might not eat until midnight, unless they wanted to use their name to get them to the top of the list, and while Jason had the night off he did have an early shift tomorrow at work.

But then Jason spotted a room full of tables, each with two chairs facing each other, candles in the middle and got a sinking feeling in his stomach. 

Looking around some more, Jason notices that most of the people milling about have Name Tags on and he turns to look at Dick, who has his most innocent smile on.

“You did Not sign me up for speed dating.”

“Technically, Tim signed you up for speed dating. I just got you here.”

Un-fucking-believable.

Jason groans and runs a hand through his hair. “I swear to god Dick if we don’t go into the restaurant right now I’m going to kill you.”

“Come on Littlewing. It won’t be that bad! And besides, you might meet the love of your life tonight! Isn’t that exciting?”

Jason gives Dick a Are you kidding me? Look.

“It’s been two years Littlewing. You gotta move on sometime.”

Jesus fucking christ.

“Just because I haven’t dated anyone recently doesn’t mean I haven’t moved on. Maybe if you had finished college, you’d understand that taking 20 credits and doing an internship and working, While writing a thesis doesn’t leave anyone much time to date.”

“Tim dates.”

“Tim doesn’t sleep. And for all any of us know, he’s made this Bernard kid up to get you off his back.”

Dick looks at him then.

“Wait. Who’s Bernard?”

Bingo.

“I’ll tell you on the drive back to my place if we leave right now.”

Dick wavers for a moment, and Jason almost thinks he’ll take the bait.

“Tonight’s about you Littlewing, not Timmy.”

Fuck.

“Besides, I wouldn’t have to do this if you actually went on any of the dates I’ve tried to set you up on.”

Jason rolls his eyes, giving Dick an unimpressed look.

“Yeah because the last date I went on that you set up went So well.”

It had gone well, right up until the point Ryan realized he wouldn’t get any of Jason’s trust fund.

Jason tried not to compare the whole debacle to period dramas, he really tried. But it was hard not too when his life literally revolved around 18th century literature.

“It’s hardly my fault Ryan turned out to be a, what did you call him again? A Rake ? Besides I’ve thoroughly vetted everyone else I’ve tried to set you up with so I’m sure that won’t happen again.”

Jason pinches the bridge of his nose.

“I don’t care how thoroughly you vet the barista or the florist or the damn dog walker—what I want is for you to stop interfering with my life. I know it’s not exciting like your’s but I Like working at the bookstore and working on my Masters degree and generally not having to deal with drama that comes from fighting the fucking Riddler every other week. I—”

“It’s been two years, Littlewing, it’s time to get back out there.”

With that Dick hands him some cards, a pen and sticks a name tag to his jacket, before heading out the doors.

Jason, who hadn’t even noticed Dick moving them towards the ballroom, is stunned by his abrupt exit.

“We get a lot of this sweetie.”

Jason turns away from his retreating brother to look down at an older woman sitting in a chair behind a table full of cards, pens and name tags

“A lot of what?”

She smiles. “People bringing their siblings, friends—children even—without telling them first.”

Jason’s not surprised by that.

He can’t see the appeal of speed dating but he understands why some people like it. It’s honestly a good way to network if nothing else. Or if you’re simply too busy to go out and meet people this creates the perfect opportunity to do so.

Jason’s too busy to, but that doesn’t mean he wants to spend three hours meeting 20 people he probably has nothing in common with.

“I promise it’s not all that bad. You do meet some interesting people. And you can have a few drinks too if you like. Two are included in tonight's event.”

Jason can’t decide if this woman is just trying to sell the event and keep him from walking out, or if she’s telling him it’ll be easier to get through it while drunk.

Dick will never leave him alone if he at least doesn’t stay. And he could honestly use a drink or two. There are worse ways to spend the evening.

He could be fighting Two Face, for instance.

Jason nods his head at the woman, takes his things, and heads to the bar.

/ / /

It’s only been an hour and Jason’s already on his fourth drink.

So far he’s met lawyers, bankers, a few artists and writers that he’s never heard of and a plastic surgeon who offered to give him a nose job for free if Jason came home with him.

Jason told him that he likes his broken nose.

The only good thing to come out of tonight is he’s been lucky enough to stay at his table rather than move around the room every 10 minutes.

Jason’s listening to another banker talk about how much money he made last year,  probably trying to impress him.

Jason may have a trust fund but at least he gives it to charities and doesn’t spend it on a new, bigger boat every year.

Sometimes being the reclusive Wayne heir has its drawbacks. 

But so far only two people have recognized him and rather than ask for his number they gave him business cards to pass along to his father.

Speed dating or not Jason thinks that’s rather tacky.

So half way through the night the buzzer rings indicating it’s time to move on.

Jason finishes his drink as the banker gets up and signals the waiter for another. 

“Are the drinks helping make tonight go faster, or are they so you can forget this whole awful night by morning?”

Jason’s next partner takes a seat and it’s as if Jason’s heart stops.

Because Roy Harper is sitting across from him.

The last time Jason saw Roy had been nearly ten years ago.

He had been 15 and a mess, still recovering from the near death beating the Joker had given him. 

Roy was visiting Dick at the Manor. Staying really. Oliver had just kicked him out. Both of them had spent a good deal of time with Jason then, helping him with his rehab or watching movies.

He remembers Roy reading to him on occasion.

“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being with an independent will.”

Roy stayed about three months and by the end of it Jason had a huge crush on the redhead.

He’d played it off as best he could of course, but there had been one day he’d been in the training room, doing physical therapy while Dick and Roy sparred.

He’d walked into a wall somehow, giving himself a black eye.

Dick still hasn’t let him forget that one.

Today Roy has his hair pulled back into a loose but neat bun. He’s unfortunately wearing a blazer which covers the amazing arms Jason remembers him having, over a t-shirt of a band that Jason doesn’t recognize.

Fuck.

“Both.”

Roy laughs a bit and smiles. “Wish I could join you.”

As Roy takes the seat across from him, it’s clear that he doesn’t recognize him. So either Jason can pretend to not know Roy, and hope he never figures it out. Or Jason can finally say he went on a date with Roy Harper.

The waiter arrives with Jason’s whiskey and he immediately tells him to send it back.

Both the waiter and Roy give him a funny look.

As the waiter leaves, Roy turns to look at him. “Why did you do that?”

Because I know you’ve been to rehab twice.

“I—uh—well I kinda figured you were—”

He hasn’t been this tongue tied since the last time he saw Roy.

Fuckity fuck.

“An alcoholic? Good deduction. But you didn’t have to send it away.”

“I know—I mean it’s okay—I really don’t mind, Roy. It's fine.”

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck

Roy’s not wearing his name tag anymore.

“How did you…” Roy’s eyes drift down to Jason’s name tag.

They only put first names and last initials on the tags. Then if you meet someone you’d like to talk with more you write it down and the service will pass along the information to the correct people after the event.

Either Roy’s had fallen off or he took it off.

Jason’s is still in place though.

Jason T.

Roy’s eyes grow wide and he smiles looking back up at him. “Jason?”

He starts looking Jason up and down like he can’t quite believe he’s looking at his best friend’s kid brother.

Jason has to fight the urge not to fidget while his brain screams Roy Harper is checking me out!

Jesus fucking Christ.

Roy meets Jason’s eyes again, his smile going wider.

“Dude. It’s so good to see you. I didn’t even recognize you.”

Jason knows there’s no reason why Roy would recognize him but it still stings a little.

“Yeah well, it’s been like ten years and I’m not 15 anymore so that’s not surprising.”

He can see Roy doing the math in his head. It’s cute.

Stop it.

“Fair. Last time I saw you you weren’t so…” He gestures to Jason vaguely. 

Jason’s taller and broader than the last time Roy saw him. Just because he hung up his cape and pixie boots doesn’t mean he doesn’t work out.

Another reason you don’t have time to date.

Roy finally seems to give up on whatever he was going to say and shakes his head. 

Jason takes the opportunity to steer the conversation away from him.

“What are you doing here? I thought you were in Star City.”

Roy seems relieved by the change in topic.

“I was, until like, three months ago. Moved out here to do some government work. Plus I needed to get away from my family for a bit.”

Jason chuckles and rolls his eyes. “I’d move out of Gotham if I could but I’m pretty sure Alfred would kill me.”

Alfred may not dress up and fight crime every night but he’s the only member of the family Jason does not ever want to get on the bad side of.

Roys chuckles at that, “I remember being quite scared of him whenever I’d visit Dick.”

Jason continues to ignore the skip in his heart every time the redhead laughs.

You don’t have time to date. 

“Dick never mentioned you were in town.”

“That’s not surprising. Been here three months and since I’m not suiting up we haven’t even seen each other. I work during the day and he basically works at night. Friends or not, it's hard to meet up sometimes.”

Jason nods his head. The only friends he has these days are his co-workers from the store and they mostly just drink and complain about customers.

“So you’d rather go to speed dating than try and meet up with my brother?”

Roy laughs and shakes his head before running a hand through his hair, undoing the bun.

It’s still as long as Jason remembers and looks just as soft.

Fuck.

“My family’s been hounding me to start dating again. Ollie threatened to put a personal ad for me in the Gotham Globe. Apparently being single for six years is long enough—even if you’re a single dad that whole time.”

Single dad. Now who doesn’t have the time to date?

“I remember Dick telling me you had a kid. A daughter, right?”

Roy nods and gets out his phone, showing Jason his lock screen.

“Yep. That’s Lian. She’s almost seven now. I wanted to move before she started school.”

The picture is of her and Roy. They’re both covered in pink frosting and sprinkles.

“This picture’s from last year. We tried to make cupcakes for her birthday and it got a little messy.” Roy says it with a fond smile and Jason has no doubt that he loves his daughter very much. “This year we actually got most of the frosting and sprinkles on the cupcakes. But I like this picture better.”

“She’s cute.”

It feels like a stupid thing to say but he’s not sure what else to say.

Roy puts his phone away and looks back at Jason. “So what are you doing here? Family think you’ve been single long enough too?”

Jason shrugs. “My last relationship didn’t end well and they think it’s time I moved on.”

“Do you want to move on?” 

“Oh I’ve moved on. Fuck that dude. But because my life consists of working at a bookstore and going to school and generally being too busy to date they’ve decided I haven’t and need to fix it.”

Roy laughs and nods his head. He doesn’t ask for an explanation though which Jason is thankful for. Somehow talking about your ex in detail seems like a bad idea for a first date.

Not a date, Jason reminds himself.

“That sounds like a very nice, stable life you’ve built for yourself. What are you studying?”

That’s when the buzzer goes off of course and it’s time for Roy to go to his next table. 

Roy looks back as he walks away though, like he wants to say something but then one of the attendants nudges him along and whatever he might have said Jason doesn’t get to know.

Jason sits through meeting two more lawyers, another doctor and a fashion photographer who offers to shoot some very tasteful photographs of him before Roy appears again.

Jason raises an eyebrow while his next ‘date’ looks irritated that Roy’s standing in his way.

“Do you want to get out of here? I have an… idea I’d like to run by you.”

Jason doesn’t care what Roy wants to talk about, so long as he doesn’t have to sit through another 10 minutes of hell.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

Jason grabs his coat and tosses down some money for the extra drinks he’s ordered and follows Roy out of the hotel.

They stand there awkwardly for a minute before Jason finally breaks the silence.

“So do you actually have some idea you wanted to talk about or--”

“I think we should pretend to date.”

What?

“Each other, I mean. We should pretend to date each other.”

“What? Why on earth would we do that?”

“My family thinks I need to be dating and I don’t want to date anyone—right now at least. Your family thinks you need to move on but you said did, you just don’t have time to date. So... let’s pretend to date.”

Jason just stares at Roy.

“If I don’t have the time to date how can we get away with pretending to date?”

“We’ll say we’re taking things slow. That I don’t want to throw another change at Lian after a big move. We can just like, meet for coffee and call those ‘dates’. Or you can show me around the city or something. My schedule’s flexible—I work from home—so I’m sure we can meet for coffee or go to a museum or something around your schedule.

“I just… I just want to be a dad right now. Lian’s not going to be a kid forever and I don’t want to miss anything.”

Roy looks down at his feet when he says that. Like he’s worried Jason will judge him for wanting to be a father. 

“And if something changes and you want to date someone then we’ll ‘break up’ and I’ll pretend you broke my heart and my family won’t pester me again for another six years. Lian will basically be a teenager by then and won’t want anything to do with me. So I’ll have time to date then—”

Roy’s rambling now, and so Jason can think is:

No ones going to believe I broke your heart. 

Roy keeps talking though, about how they could make this work, how they could keep their families off their backs and be able to do what they want. They’ll just have to get together a few times a month. 

Which seems doable. Especially if they just meet for coffee. And they can work out more details as they go. 

Jason’s sure he won’t meet anyone he wants to date, and as much as he doesn’t like lying to his family, not having them hounding him to date would be nice.

Roy’s stopped talking so Jason takes that as his cue to answer. 

“And if you want to date someone I’ll just watch period dramas when you break up with me.”

Roy laughs a little, like he thinks Jason’s joking.

“Wait. Is that what you do when someone breaks up with you?”

“That lake scene in Pride & Prejudice got me through my fiancé leaving me because Bruce wanted him to sign a prenup. I think they’ll believe you broke my heart if I start watching it again.”

“So I guess we’re doing this?”

“I guess we are.”

They exchange numbers and promise to talk more on their first ‘date’. Texting about it is out because they both know how nosy Dick can be.

Finally they head their separate ways and on the cab ride back to his place Jason ignores the voice in his head that sounds like Dick.

You might meet the love of your life tonight!  

His brother’s best friend and teenage crush—who he still has a bit of a crush on apparently—isn’t going to fall in love with him while they fake date just to get their families off their backs. 

This is Gotham, not a rom com. 

Chapter Text

Chapter 2: A Stroll About the Grounds

/ / /

When Jason suggested they go to the Gotham City Museum Sculpture Park for their first date, Roy hadn’t thought twice about it.

Jason said he was too busy to date, but Roy had suggested that Jason could show him around the city. So if Jay thought he had time to take Roy to the sculpture park, then why not?

When he got there, Roy’s first thought was that he must have gotten the day and time wrong. Because Jason hadn’t said anything about going to an event at the sculpture park.

Roy’s pulling out his phone to message Jason when a message comes through.

I’m at the main entrance

Roy looks up the block and spots Jason standing on the corner, typing on his phone.

Roy types a quick message back and hits send.

I see u 

He watches Jason look up from his phone and then around at the people passing by.

Roy had recognized Jason by his hair more than anything else. The shock of white a sharp contrast among his jet black curls. 

He briefly wonders why Jason doesn’t dye the streak black to match the rest of his hair, but as he gets closer, Roy’s thoughts about Jason’s hair change entirely. 

Roy’s about ten feet away from Jason when he realizes that he might be a bit in over his head with this whole fake dating plan of his.

Because Jason is Hot.

Like, Roy’s preferred kind of hotness. 

Tall, dark and handsome with broad shoulders, a strong jawline and messy hair just begging to be touched, white streak or not.

Jason’s wearing dark jeans and comfortable, though Roy suspects very expensive, black shoes. He’s wearing a red tie too, which sits on a black button down shirt, visible under the dark grey sweater he’s wearing, sleeves rolled up to his elbows to complete the look.

They’d been texting a bit since they last saw each other. Normal, boring stuff, that wouldn’t make anyone (Dick) suspicious about what they’re up to.

Everyone will have to find out eventually, but neither him nor Jason want to rush into anything.

📱 Jason: If we’re going to tell everyone

that we’re taking things slow

we probably want to go out a few times

before we tell them

📱 Roy: Or Dick catches on

📱 Jason: LOL that too

📱 Roy: I know Ollie and Dinah won’t

question us about keeping

our relationship a secret

but they’re not as suspicious

and untrusting as you Bats ;)

📱 Jason: We’ll just say we didn’t want

to rush into anything and get

their hopes up.

📱 Jason: They want me to be in a relationship

so bad I don’t think they’ll question it

Do you?

📱 Roy: No I don’t think they will

In those texts Roy remembers Jason saying something about getting a Masters and how he interns at one of Gotham’s many public libraries.

He hadn’t remembered that information until right now though.

Tonight Roy was prepared for My best friend’s little brother Jason Todd.

Not sexy librarian Jason Todd.

Things get decidedly worse when Jason pulls out a pair of glasses.

Fuck.

Roy takes a deep breath and waves when Jason spots him, moving to meet him halfway.

“Hey Roy.”

Roy puts on his best smile, trying to hide his growing trepidation at this whole scheme of theirs.

“Hey, Jay. How was the library?”

He manages to keep his tone casual, though Roy’s pretty sure Jason caught him when his eyes traveled up and down when he said the word Library.

There’s a faint blush on Jason’s face now.

“Oh uh, it was good. Just needed to fill in for story time this afternoon and figured I’d do some cataloguing while I was there. Usual stuff.”

Story time?

“That sounds fun? Is that fun? I’ve never had to catalogue anything.”

Jason laughs a bit and makes a sort of gesture with his hand.

“Story time wasn’t too bad but I had to take my contacts out after staring at a screen for six hours.” He picks the glasses up off his nose and then sets them back down as if to emphasize his point.

Roy grins at him, “Can’t afford lysik?”

Jason grins back and shrugs again, “Can’t afford a haircut?”

Roy fights the urge to touch his hair as he scoffs, “Well this is officially the worst date ever.”

If they both weren’t trying to hide their laughter Roy would be worried about offending Jason with the comment.

“Wow, we haven’t even started yet and I already hold first place for your worst date? Even I’m impressed with myself.”

They both start laughing again and all Roy can think is oh no.

Oh no no no no no no.

*     *     *

Turns out Jason picked the last weekend in September for their date, which just so happens to be the sculpture park’s last summer event. From what Roy could tell the event consisted of food trucks, live music, art making stations (which makes him wish Lian was with them—which was ridiculous) and whiskey tasting for the 21+ attendees. 

Roy almost wonders if Jason knew about the event, and wanted to surprise him. But Jason has to drop his name to get them tickets so Roy dismisses that idea pretty quickly.

Watching the girl manning the ticketing counter Roy feels his heart do this weird little flip as Jason goes out of his way to reassure her that she hasn’t done anything wrong and that it's really his mistake for not reserving tickets.

By the time they walk into the park Roy’s pretty sure the whole museum staff know’s that they’re here, and that probably doesn’t bode well for their not rushing into anything plan for telling people.

But Roy’s been wrong before so it’s probably fine. 

“Well, shall we start at the food trucks? Or does live Jazz sound like a better idea? We could always try our hands at stained glass making too if you want to give that a shot.”

Jason looks at him for a moment, and then laughs.

“Why don’t we just walk and see where the night leads?”

Roy has a very bad feeling that he knows exactly where this night is leading. 

*     *     *

They listen to Jazz briefly, before both confessing that they hate it, and move on to explore the rest of the park. 

They don’t try their hands at ‘stained glass making’, leaving the glue and tissue paper for the kids. Jason does take an instruction card though and gives it to Roy in case it’s something Lian might like to do on one of Gotham’s many cold and rainy days.

They also steer clear of the whiskey tasting but do sample a few of the food trucks. At one point Jason even feeds Roy a spoonful of curry, which makes Roy’s heart start to race a little.

And in between it all they walk the park, strolling paths lit with twinkling lights, looking at sculptures that Roy finds technically remarkable even if not that aesthetically pleasing.

As they walk his and Jason’s arms brush from time to time and Roy has to fight the urge to reach for Jason’s hand.

It’s the best first date he’s ever been on. 

And he has to constantly remind himself that it’s not a date.

A few hours after they entered the park they slowly make their way back to the front gate, the event is coming to a close, and when Roy glances at his phone he realizes he told Lian and the babysitter he’d be home in 20 minutes.

He doesn’t want to go though.

Which doesn’t bode well for him.

“I gotta get going. I told Lian I’d be home no later than 11pm and she tends to worry if I’m out late anyways.”

Jason seems startled when Roy mentions how late it is and checks his own phone.

“I’m having brunch at the Manor—” Jason rolls his eyes as he says it, “—so I better get going too. Where are you parked?”

“Oh I took a cab. I’ll just get another. But I can walk you to your car if you like?”

Roy internally cringes at the statement, knowing that walking Jason to his car, while good for their cover, is not good for him and his treacherous heart. 

Jason shakes his, “The library’s just a few blocks away and I took the subway earlier. I’ll just grab a cab too.”

Roy is definitely not disappointed to hear that. Or so he tells himself. 

“Oh. Okay.”

Once they’re through the gates Roy spots a line of taxis and Ubers waiting to pick up fares, and turns to Jason.

“Well since you paid for everything tonight—”

“Cause it’s a date .”

Roy hopes the color on his face isn’t too noticeable.

“—let me pay for your cab. Where are you going?”

Jason seems amused and slightly confused by Roy’s behavior which is fair—Roy’s just as confused really—but gives him the address.

Roy realizes with a start that they live only five blocks from each other.

When he tells Jason his address Jason chuckles at the coincidence and asks if Roy wants to share a cab.

Roy knows it’s a bad idea but he’s really not ready for the night to end.

So he holds open the door, and climbs in after Jason.

The ride to Jason’s is fairly quiet. Neither one of them had planned on going home together and Roy feels himself blushing at the idea of going home with Jason.

It’s been a long time since he went home with anyone.

Eyeing Jason now, Roy can’t help but wonder what it would be like to go home with him. 

Fuck.

When the driver pulls up to Jason’s building Roy climbs out to let Jason out before paying the driver.

Jason frowns as the car drives away. “You didn’t want him to drive you home?”

Roy shrugs. “It’s just a few blocks. I can walk.”

Jason hesitates a moment and then nods, reaching into his bag for his keys.

“Thanks again. For tonight. It was—it was fun.”

It’s probably just the chilly air but Jason’s cheeks take on a pink tinge as he says that.

Roy nods his head in agreement.

“Yeah. Have to admit I was surprised when you suggested it though. You made it sound like you didn’t have any time to date but…”

Fuck.

If Jason’s offended by the question he doesn’t acknowledge it. 

“I figured the first date should be more than just a coffee shop. Plus this was my last truly free weekend until winter break. So don’t expect anymore dates like tonight. It’ll really be coffee shops from here on out.”

Roy can feel himself smiling, flirting, stepping closer to Jason.

Getting ready to kiss him.

“But I can expect more dates? Cause I don’t mind coffee shops, you know?”

If Jason notices any of this he doesn’t say anything as he politely steps back towards his door.

Right.

“Gotta keep our families off our backs somehow, right?”

Roy nods his head in agreement and they say Goodnight before Jason heads into his building, leaving Roy standing on the sidewalk like an idiot.

After a few moments Roy finally turns and heads towards his apartment.

It’s 10:55pm. He’ll only be a few minutes late.

*     *     *

Lian’s not in bed when he gets home—which doesn’t surprise him in the least.

The babysitter explains how she tried to get Lian to go to bed, clearly thinking he was going to dock her pay for letting her stay up late.

He gives her an extra $20 instead, and apologizes for his headstrong daughter.

Once the babysitter’s gone and the door locked, Roy turns back to Lian with a stern expression.

“You could have at least pretended to go to bed for Lauren.”

Lian grins at him. “But that’s no fun, Daddy.”

They stand there for a moment, Roy’s stern expression quickly turning into a grin.

Lian lets out a loud laugh as he rushes forward suddenly, picking her up and swinging her around.

He had a lot of fun tonight with Jason, but part of him would still have preferred to stay in with Lian.

“Well lucky for you, there’s no school tomorrow so I guess it’s fine that you’re up past your bedtime.”

Lian giggles and squirms out of his arms.

“I wanted to hear about your date Daddy!”

That catches Roy off guard.

“Who told you I was on a date?”

He certainly hadn’t. Just that he was going out with an old friend.

Lian bites her lip, looking down at the floor. “Lauren did.”

Traitor.

Well that’s the last time he tells Lauren anything.

“Don’t be mad daddy. She didn’t mean to tell me.”

Roy kneels down in front of her, brushing the hair out of her eyes.

“I’m not mad baby. You just surprised me is all, sweetheart.”

Lian watches him for a moment, trying to figure out if he’s lying before finally smiling.

“So you’ll tell me about it?”

Roy lets out a low laugh and shakes his head, watching Lian’s face fall.

“There’s not much to tell baby girl. We just went to the park and had some food. That’s it.”

Lian eyes him suspiciously.

“Did you kiss him?”

That makes Roy laugh again. “Who says it was a him?”

She gives him a most unimpressed look.

“Grandpa Ollie says mommy was the only girl you liked. And that you’ve always liked boys better.”

God fucking dammit, Ollie.

“Well Grandpa Ollie’s wrong about that. I like girls just as much as boys. But yes, I did go out with a boy tonight.”

Lian nods her head. “But you didn’t kiss.”

Roy shakes his head as he laughs and stands, picking Lian up before heading to her room.

“It was our first date. Not everyone kisses on the first date you know.”

“Was he a bad date Daddy? Is that why you didn’t kiss him?”

You can never tell Alfred but this curry is Way better than his.

“He was a good date, honey. But he hasn’t dated anyone in a while—“

“Like you?”

Roy rolls his eyes at the innocent expression on Lian’s face.

“Yeah like me. I think we were both just nervous.”

Lian nods, seeming to find this answer acceptable. 

“But you’re going to go out again, right?”

If Roy had known he was coming back to an inquisition he might have tried to convince Jason to stay out later.

“What’s with the 20 questions?”

Lian bites her lip again.

“Grandpa Ollie and Grandma Dinah think you’re lonely. I don’t want you to be lonely, Daddy.”

For the love of god you guys—

“Oh, honey. I’m not lonely. How could I be when I have you?”

Lian doesn’t seem to think this answer is acceptable.

“But you have to have someone other than me. Like Grandpa and Grandma have each other.”

Roy knows she’s not wrong. Knows they’re not wrong. And he does miss having someone who’s not related to him to talk to, but he’d rather be a little lonely now, than miss anything with Lian.

“You need someone to be gross with like them too.”

Roy looks at Lian, dumbfounded.

“You think I need someone to be gross with?”

“Kissing.” She clarifies. “You need someone to kiss.”

Jesus fucking Christ. Kids these days.

“Well maybe I’ll be gross with Jason. But I’m not making any promises, okay?”

Lian yawns and nods her head, sleep finally bringing her interrogation to a close.

“Get some sleep honey, I’ll make us waffles in the morning okay?”

“No. Pancakes.”

She drifts off to sleep as she says it, barely finishing pancakes before she’s out like a light.

Roy watches her for a few more moments, and finally gives her a kiss on the forehead before leaving her to sleep.

As he gets ready for bed Roy thinks the night over. Thinks about Jason feeding him curry and grabbing the stained glass art instructions. Thinks about his laugh and his smile and how, for the first time in six years, he wants to spend time with someone who’s not his daughter.

Roy frowns at that. He knows it’s normal to want a relationship at his age. Knows he could have been dating the last five years and that no one would have judged him for it. But he would have judged himself, and he finds himself doing just that now.

Because he should be focused on Lian.

Should be thinking about what they’ll do this weekend and how this temporary move will affect her—is affecting her.

He shouldn’t be thinking about Jason’s smile and how his heart raced when he fed him that bit of curry.

Roy sighs and finishes brushing his teeth, turning the bathroom light out.

He plugs in his phone before getting into bed, noticing he has a new text.

It’s from Jason.

📱 Jason: Thanks for tonight

Had a lot of fun

Hopefully it won’t all be coffee shops

Roy stares at the messages for a long time, not really knowing what to think.

Finally he types out a quick message and then sets the phone down.

📱 Roy: Me too

*     *     *

Roy wakes up the next morning when his phone doesn’t quit ringing. 

Roy grabs for his phone blindly, answering without looking.

“Hello?”

“How long have you been dating my brother?”

Roy’s not fully awake so it takes him a minute to process the question.

“I’m not dating any of your brothers Dick. Can I go back to sleep now?”

“If you’re not dating Littlewing, why is he feeding you curry in this photo?”

Oh my god Dick. Are you calling Roy?

“He says you two aren’t dating and I know he’s lying.”

Roy sits up and puts the phone on speaker, much more awake now. 

So much for them not telling anyone yet.

Roy sighs and runs a hand over his face. “We went on a date, Dick. A date. That’s it.”

“Oh? And that’s it? Is my baby brother not good enough—”

Oh my god Dick. Give me the phone!

“Not till he answers the question!”

There’s sounds of a fight on the other end of the line, and Roy pictures Dick trying to keep the phone away from Jason.

I don’t see why we should care about who Todd’s dating.

Be nice Damian. You’re brother’s been through a lot—

Oh shut up Bruce!

We’re just worried about you! Maybe Roy’s after your fortune too!

Not helping Tim!

“Guys, Lian’s going to be up soon. Do you need anything else or can I hang up?”

“Don’t hang up!”

More sounds of a struggle and then:

“I’m so sorry about them.”

Jason almost sounds flustered.

“How’d they find out anyways? Did you—”

Jason cuts him off quickly.

“No. No. I guess someone saw me last night, or maybe someone on the museum staff, and they told a reporter or something. There’s some photos online from last night.”

Oh.

“Oh.”

A nervous laugh.

“Yeah… you might want to prepare yourself for a call from Oliver. He’s already called Bruce to negotiate where we’re spending Christmas.”

Christ.

“I vote we don’t spend it with our families and instead run away to Rome or Paris or something.”

Jason laughs at that. “Paris sounds nice.”

Roy, you can’t take my baby brother to Paris without asking my permission first!

Roy can picture Jason flipping Dick off.

“I’m 23 Dickface.”

Roy laughs and frowns down at his phone when he sees a call from Ollie coming through.

“I gotta go, Jaybird. Ollie’s calling and he’s probably going to jump on a plane if I don’t—”

“Say no more. I’ll talk to you later.”

Roy says goodbye and almost hangs up when Jason says his name again.

“Yeah?”

“I’m—I’m sorry about all this. I know we talked about going out a few more times before telling anyone and—”

“It’s not your fault we’re so photogenic together.”

Roy can practically hear the blush grow on Jason’s face.

Oh my god Roy what did you say? Littlewing’s never blushed this hard before!

Roy laughs as Jason groans in annoyance.

“Sorry.”

“I swear they all have bat hearing.”

They lapse into silence and after a moment before finally say goodbye.

Roy’s still smiling when he finally picks up Ollie’s third call.

“Hey Ollie—”

“You could date literally anyone. Anyone! And you pick one of Bruce Wayne’s idiot children? I thought I raised you better than that Roy!”

/ / /

Chapter Text

Chapter 3: The Best Laid Schemes 

/ / /

“So… how long do you think till they stop following us?”

Jason glances up from his book and looks at Roy, who’s nodding out the window.

On the other side of the street are two paparazzi trying to get a good photo of the two of them.

“If we’re boring they’ll go away sooner rather than later.”

Roy snorts and takes another sip of his coffee.

Jason hasn’t touched his cup yet, heart already beating fast enough without caffeine.

“You mean sitting in coffee shops while I watch you do your homework isn’t exciting photographic material?”

It’s not. Not at this point at least. 

Since their date at the sculpture park two weeks ago he and Roy have been on five dates. All of them in coffee shops. Roy works on his phone or laptop while Jason reads. 

Well, they try to work.

Instead they tend to talk more than anything, which means Jason’s been burning the midnight oil just to keep up with his classes.

Worth it. But not exactly what Jason had planned. 

What was that about you not having time to date?

The press is starting to get bored with them though, and while that’s fine with both of them, their families (Dick) have started asking increasingly invasive questions about their relationship. Jason’s sure that they (Dick) haven’t caught on yet, but it’s only a matter of time before they (Dick) start asking for proof.

And Jason’s pretty sure Dick’s about a week away from breaking into his or Roy’s apartment to find some proof.

Whatever that may mean to Dick.

“I’m less worried about them and more worried about my family of detectives.”

Another snort.

“I caught Dick trying to break in this morning. Might need to bring some of your clothes over or something.”

Jason groans and drops his head into his hands, his book forgotten entirely.

“Un-fucking-believable.”

Roy laughs quietly and takes another sip of his coffee.

“He played it off like he needed to practice and just wanted to see Lian but he kept asking questions about Us. Subtle you Bats are not.”

Jason finally takes a sip of his coffee then, hoping it will help him figure out how he and Roy can get Dick to calm down and keep him from getting suspicious.

Might need to bring some of your clothes over.

It doesn’t make sense for Jason’s clothes to be at Roy’s. It blows their whole taking things slow agenda. Their families may know about them, but six dates is definitely too soon for meeting his fake boyfriend’s very real daughter. 

But Roy’s clothes could always end up in your closet…

Jason eyes his cup of coffee and then the shirt Roy’s wearing. It’s a light blue button down. He had a meeting earlier today with Lian’s teacher. Jason had frowned when Roy entered the coffee shop, once again not being able to see Roy’s arms. 

He could see them though, if Roy had to change his shirt. And maybe this shirt could stay in Jason’s closet. 

Lian’s having a sleepover at her new friend’s house so Roy doesn’t have to be anywhere any time soon. But if something happened to his shirt, Roy could always just go back to his apartment. 

Except Jason’s is closer.

And it’s going to start raining any moment.

Jason stands suddenly and starts to pack his bag.

“It’s going to start raining soon, we better get going unless you want to wait it out?”

Roy shakes his head while Jason stands, and finishes the last of his coffee.

“No, we better get going. I need to—”

Jason swings his bag onto his shoulders then, hitting his very full cup of coffee and sending it flying at Roy.

Some of the coffee lands on the table. 

Most of it lands on Roy.

“Shit!”

“Oh fuck. I’m so sorry Roy I didn’t—”

Roy stands, looking down at his ruined shirt.

“It’s okay, Jaybird. Accidents happen. Let’s just get this cleaned up. I can change when I get home.”

Jason grabs some paper towels and continues to apologize. Maybe he’s laying it on too thick but Roy doesn’t seem to notice. 

They finally leave and are just half a block from Jason’s building when the skies open up. 

They’re both soaked in seconds.

“Fucking—I hate Gotham and it’s goddammed mother-fucking—”

While Roy’s cursing, Jason grabs his hand and starts to run towards his building, pulling Roy with him.

Jason fumbles with his keys and when he finally unlocks the door both he and Roy stumble in.

Roy’s shirt is plastered to him, basically transparent now, and Jason almost offers to walk him home right now, just so he can keep looking.

“Well, I hope you don’t mind company because there is No way I’m going back out in that.”

Jason looks up at Roy then, finally tearing his eyes off Roy's chest, and looking him in the eye. 

For just a moment he thinks Roy’s staring at his chest, and Jason feels his face heat up. 

He’s wearing a black sweater over a grey shirt. It’s easier to hide his scars if he wears dark colors.

Jason hopes they’re not visible now. Roy’s seen them, he was at the Manor after Jason’s run in with the Joker, but he doesn’t want Roy to see them now. 

Doesn’t want to see the pitying and disgusted on Roy’s face if he saw them now.

“I’d be a pretty shitty boyfriend if I sent you back out in that.”

Roy’s eyes flick down again and then back up.

“Lead the way then.”

Jason’s stomach ties itself into knots and he leads Roy into the elevator, watching Roy’s eyes widen slightly when he hits the button for the top floor.

“When I told Bruce I was moving out he insisted I live in one of the safe houses. Argued it was more secure and what not. I only agreed after everyone signed a contract saying they wouldn’t come over unannounced or break in.”

Roy laughs a little. “And how’s that going?”

“About as well as you’d expect. Horribly.”

Roy shrugs a little. “Well that’s what you get for being a trust fund kid who lets daddy pay for everything.”

Roy’s teasing him, so Jason pushes him away, trying to sound serious when he says, “If I’m not paying rent then I can donate said trust fund to libraries. It’s called job security, Harper.”

“Or an ethics violation,” Roy laughs.

The elevator dings then and they step off, right into Jason’s apartment.

It’s modern and open with exposed beams and floor to ceiling windows. The space is cozy though, with large carpets and chairs covered in blankets and overstuffed pillows. It’s full of bookshelves too and more plants than Roy’s seen out of a garden center, which surprises him. 

A lot. 

Jason kicks off his shoes and drops his bag onto a nearby table. 

“The bathroom is just down the hall, first door on the left. You can go change in there. I’ll bring some clothes for you to change into.”

Jason manages to say it all with a straight face, his tone calm and even.

Roy nods and kicks off his own shoes.

“Thanks, Jaybird.”

Jason smiles at Roy and then heads down the hall, past the bathroom, and into his room.

He changes quickly and tries to not think about how he just plotted to get Roy shirtless and in his apartment. 

Okay so maybe not shirtless, but he’s definitely not going to give Roy anything with long sleeves to change into. 

Once he’s changed into dry sweat pants and a t-shirt, Jason grabs another pair of sweats and then rifles around a drawer until he finds a tank top. 

Hopefully Roy won’t question it. 

Making his way back towards the bathroom, Jason stops in front of the door and knocks.

“Got some dry clothes for you.”

The door opens a few seconds later, revealing a very almost naked Roy Harper. He’s taken his shirt and pants off, keeping his red boxer briefs on for now. He gives Jason a grateful smile and takes the clothes.

“Thanks Jaybird.”

The door stays open a few more moments, and then Roy’s face tinges pink before he closes the door.

Jason stands on the other side far longer than he should, still stunned by Roy’s… everything. 

If he thought Roy’s arms were great, Jason wasn’t ready for his chest or abs or anything else really.

He knows his face is bright red by the time he walks away from the door.

Fucking hell.

He heads into the living room to turn on the gas fireplace and then heads back to the front entry, grabbing his and Roy’s shoes from the front entry. 

They’ll dry faster in front of the fire. 

Jason’s looking through his fridge for something he can feed Roy, an apology for spilling the coffee earlier, when he hears bare feet walking on the hardwood floors.

Roy’s hovering in the living room, looking around before finally looking at Jason.

The sight of Roy in black sweats and a grey tank top is better than what Jason saw a few minutes ago, and he can’t help but think it’s because Roy’s wearing his clothes.

“I hung my clothes up in the shower. But I might have to borrow a bag to put them in. I doubt they’ll be dry before I’ll have to leave.”

It takes Jason a minute to realize what Roy’s said.

“Oh. You can stay as long as you like, but I have a washer and dryer. Just wash them and then you can leave whenever you like.”

Jason mentally kicks himself as soon as he says it. He wants Roy to stay for at least a few hours, it’s barely 5pm but if he washes his clothes he might leave sooner.

He can’t back out now though.

“Oh. Thanks. That would be great actually. Where’s the—”

“It’s on the other side of the apartment.” Jason points to his right. “First door on the right. There’s soap and everything, use whatever you need.”

Roy thanks him again and goes back to the bathroom to grab his things. When he comes back to head to the laundry room Jason calls out, stopping him.

“Are you hungry? I can make us something to eat.”

Roy seems taken aback by the offer but nods after a few moments.

“Sure. That sounds… nice.” 

Roy continues to the laundry room then and Jason moves around the kitchen, gathering what he needs and trying his best not to think about Roy.

Not how he looked in his wet shirt.

Not how he looked in his wet underwear.

Definitely not how he looks in Jason’s clothes.

Get a fucking grip Todd. None of this is real. 

Over the last two weeks, Jason’s learned two things.

1. He never got over that teenage crush.
2. He wants to be dating Roy Harper for real.

The first is embarrassing. 

The second, confusing.

Because Jason’s never really wanted a relationship. He wasn’t looking for one when Dick set him up with Ryan. And while in the end that may have been a disaster, he did like being with Ryan. Loved him enough to say yes when he asked Jason to marry him at least.

But he never dated in high school or before he and Ryan met in their junior year at Gotham University. And he hasn’t wanted to date anyone since—and not for the reason his family thinks.

He just, 

Doesn’t.

But now, with Roy, he does.

He likes texting Roy throughout the day and the stupid dad jokes Roy sends him every morning.

Jason likes that Roy pays attention when he talks about the books he’s reading or how his thesis is going.

And he pays just as much attention to Roy when he talks about his consulting job or Lian. He likes listening to Roy talk about his time with the Titans and the new trick arrow ideas he keeps coming up with.

He likes the fake relationship they have but he can’t quite wrap his head around Why he likes it.

Especially after his last relationship blew up so spectacularly.

The only thing worth liking about you is your pocket book. No one’s ever going to love a scarred up, ptsd nightmare like you Jason.

“You wanna talk about it?”

Jason jumps and looks to his right. Roy’s leaning against the counter with his hip, arms crossed while he smiles at Jason.

“Talk about what?”

“Whatever’s got you trapped in that pretty head of yours.”

Jason feels his ears go pink.

“It’s nothing.”

Roy raises an eyebrow at him.

“You look like you’ve never seen soup before. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk, so long as you know I’ll listen.”

Jason glances at the stove, surprised to find tomato soup heating in a pot. He spots bread, butter and cheese nearby.

Guess we’re having grilled cheese.

Roy’s still watching him and Jason shakes his head, saying the first thing that comes to mind.

“Just thinking about how 15 year old Jason would have died if he’d seen Roy Harper in a soaking wet shirt.”

Jesus fucking Christ.

Roy tries to keep from laughing, but it bubbles up and soon they’re both shaking with laughter.

“He probably would have fallen down the stairs and broken his neck, instead of just getting a black eye.”

Despite the embarrassment he feels, that makes Jason laugh harder.

“I was 15 and you were a shirtless 21 year old who worked out—a lot—what did you expect?”

Their laughter begins to die down and suddenly Roy’s looking at him softly.

“I’m not sure what was cuter. Your black eye or that smile you had on your face when you fell asleep while I read to you.”

Oh god.

Jason has a horrifyingly embarrassing realization. 

“Oh god. You totally knew I had a crush on you, didn’t you?”

Roy’s grinning now and Jason feels his heart skip a beat.

“You were very cute and not all that subtle.”

Jason groans and starts putting together the sandwiches.

“I hope you know how to cook cause I’m about to die of embarrassment.”

“I can burn water so you better not die. I’d hate to starve on our seventh date.”

Jason adds one of the sandwiches to the frying pan.

“Sixth. It’s our sixth date.”

“So were counting both the coffee shop, and you making me dinner as one date? Cause those seem like two very distinct dates.”

Roy’s tone is light and teasing and Jason can tell he’s trying to get his mind off their conversation from moments ago.

“Well they happened on the same day.”

“True. But one was planned and the other wasn’t. Or did you spill that coffee on me on purpose?”

Jason’s heart stops, and Roy takes a step closer to him.

“If you wanted to show me your book collection, all you had to do was ask, Jaybird.”

Roy’s voice drops an octave and Jason feels dizzy.

But even through the smoke clouding his mind, Jason still knows Roy is teasing and doesn’t mean it like Jason wants him to.

“You’re going to have to kiss me before I show you anything.”

And for just a moment, the very briefest of moments, Jason thinks he sees Roy’s eye flick down to his lips. Thinks Roy’s eyes widen just a bit.

Thinks Roy’s going to kiss him.

He thought that the night of the sculpture park too.

But instead of him being the one to step back this time, Roy does.

“You’re going to burn your kitchen down if you’re not careful.”

That brings Jason out of his daze and he glances down to the about to be on fire cheese sandwich.

“Shit!”

Roy laughs at him as Jason throws the sandwich in the sink and turns the water on for good measure.

“Why don’t you let me make the sandwiches, Jaybird.”

Jason glares at him.

“I thought you said you could burn water?”

Roy takes the frying pan from him.

“I can. But I also have a seven year old daughter. I can make a delicious grilled cheese sandwich as a last resort.”

Jason feels himself flush when Roy winks at him.

*     *     *

Roy does make a delicious grilled cheese, it turns out.

They sit on the couch while they eat, chatting instead of watching some network drama that Roy picked out.

They’re almost finished eating when Roy suddenly changes the subjects from embarrassing vigilante stories.

“I know you were joking earlier, but you know we’re going to have to kiss eventually, right?”

Jason’s eyes go wide but before he can say anything, Roy continues talking.

“Like in public. And in front of our families—well your’s at least. And I don’t think either of us want the first one to be caught on camera or witnessed by Dick.”

He finishes off with a laugh and Jason forces himself to duplicate it.

It hadn’t really occurred to Jason that he and Roy would have to kiss.

Does he want to kiss Roy? Definitely.

Does he want to force Roy to kiss him? Absolutely not.

“We don’t have to, if you don’t want to. We can just tell everyone I don’t like public displays of affection—or you don’t—and we can—”

“You really think either of our families are going to believe that?”

Not even a little bit.

“I don’t want to make you do anything you’re not comfortable with, Roy.”

Roy smiles softly at him and lays one of his hands on Jason’s knee.

“I don’t want to make you do anything either, Jason. If you don’t want to kiss, that’s fine. We’ll figure something out.”

Jason stares at Roy’s hand for a long moment.

It’s been a long time since anyone touched him, except to give him a hug or to shake his hand.

Longer since anyone kissed him.

He doesn’t miss the touching, or the kissing. Not really.

But he’d like Roy to touch him. To kiss him.

That feeling’s so foreign Jason doesn’t even know how to begin processing it.

Finally Jason shakes his head and looks back up at Roy.

“I’m okay with kissing if you are.” It comes out a whisper and for a moment Jason’s not sure Roy even heard him.

But then Roy’s lips twitch up and Jason almost thinks he’s going to smile. The hand on his knee tightens for just a moment.

“Me too.”

They stare at each other for a long time and Jason feels himself blush the longer they do. He thought Roy would kiss him right away, but instead he’s just watching Jason. 

Just when Jason think’s he might explode from the nerves, Roy reaches forward, gently cups the back of his neck, and pulls Jason into a kiss.

Jason freezes for a moment, surprised by the softness of Roy’s lips on his and the gentle hand on his neck. And just when Roy starts to pull away, Jason kisses him back, letting his hands come up to Roy’s shoulders and sighing as one of Roy’s hands threads it’s way through his hair.

Jason’s not sure he’s ever been kissed like this and when Roy starts to pull away again, Jason chases after him, not wanting it to end.

He captures Roy’s lips again, feels them smile against his own for a moment and then they’re gone again.

Jason’s eyes flutter open, he doesn’t even remember closing them, and he sees Roy sitting across from him, face flushed and breathing like Jason’s just kissed him breathless.

Maybe he has.

Jason feels breathless too.

His hands are still on Roy’s shoulders and Jason slowly lowers them. Roy’s hands stay where they are though and he’s looking at Jason like he’s trying to figure out a puzzle.

“We should do that again. For practice.” 

Roy’s barely finished talking before Jason’s kissing him again. Harder than last time and when he feels Roy’s tongue brush against his lips, Jason sighs and opens his mouth easily, letting Roy explore.

Jason’s hands are running up and down Roy’s arms now, finally getting to touch them after nearly a decade of waiting. He pulls back a bit, just to get a breath and that’s when he realizes they’ve shifted on the couch.

He’s lying on his back now, Roy hovering over him.

Jason shivers at the look in Roy’s eyes and when Roy leans down, Jason stretches up to meet him.

That’s when Jason’s phone rings, startling them both and breaking whatever’s been happening between them.

Roy leans back, sitting on his knees while Jason sits up and grabs his phone off the coffee table.

“This had better be good, Dickface.”

Why? Am I interrupting something?

Jason can picture Dick’s teasing, but hopeful smile.

He glances at Roy who’s taken his original seat back on the couch. His cheeks are flushed and Jason thinks his probably are too.

He doesn’t know how to deal with what’s just happened, so Jason puts the phone on speaker, hoping Roy will be able to at least help him deal with Dick.

“I don’t know. Do you think he interrupted something, Roy?”

Roy looks uncertain for a moment and then grins.

“Well I was just about to take you to bed and ravish you but—”

Oh fuck you. One I did not need that image of you two in my head. And two, I know Littlewing wouldn’t have picked up if that was about to happen.

“Did you need something Dick or can I go back to making out with my boyfriend?”

Jason feels his face heat up again. Roy’s not his boyfriend. Never will be either. 

Gross. Actually it’s a good thing Roy is there. Alfred wants you to invite him to brunch. 

Roy laughs nervously, “Little soon to meet the family, isn’t it Dickie?”

Roy, we’ve all met you. We just want you to come to brunch is all. You can bring Lian if you want. Speaking of which if you two ever need some alone time Lian can always stay at the Manor—

“I’m not making Roy come to brunch anytime soon.”

Oh come on, Littlewing! We just want to—

“Not happening. Bye Dickface!”

Jason ends the call and puts his phone on silent.

“I’m so glad Dick’s your brother and not mine.”

Roy’s still grinning, and Jason shakes his head.

“I’ll trade you. I’m sure Connor doesn’t offer to babysit so you can have sex—”

Jason cuts himself off and they both blush scarlet.

The silence between them is beginning to grow awkward and Jason wonders what he can do to make Roy forget this whole night ever happened.

Jason just wanted to get Dick off their backs. And maybe see Roy’s arms. He didn’t want this though. Whatever awkward thing is that’s happening between them right now. 

Roy rubs the back of his neck and breaks the silence first.

“I’m really sorry things got a bit… carried away.”

Jason hopes his disappointment isn’t visible.

“It’s fine. It’s just been a while right? We just—”

“Exactly. Just been a while and it’s not like we’ll be kissing again when people aren’t around so it won’t be a—a problem—again.”

Jason feels his stomach drop.

“Right. It’ll be fine. Won’t happen again.”

Roy laughs awkwardly and they both lapse back into a slightly less awkward silence.

When he can’t stand it anymore Jason grabs their dishes and takes them to the kitchen while Roy checks on his clothes.

By the time Jason has the dishes washed, Roy reappears in his clothes from before and Jason tells himself he’s not disappointed.

“Well I’ll need to iron the shirt when I get home but other than that they’re good as new.”

Roy’s shirt is quite wrinkled. Jason just wishes it was wrinkled for a different reason.

“You can use my iron if you—”

“Thanks. But I should get going. There’s a lot of work I need to catch up on before I pick Lian up tomorrow afternoon.”

Shit.

“Fuck. I’m sorry. I should have gotten you a cab earlier so you weren’t stuck here with me.”

Roy gives him a funny look. “I wasn’t stuck, Jaybird. It’s not like you were holding me hostage or something. Besides, I actually like spending time with you.”

Roy looks down at his feet for a moment and then back up to Jason.

“You’re a pretty great boyfriend.”

Fake boyfriend , Jason mentally corrects.

He smiles back at Roy. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

When Roy steps into the elevator a few minutes later, Jason tells himself he’s not disappointed to watch the redhead leave.

Once he’s sure Roy’s left the building and is not going to come back up, Jason moves into the kitchen and fills up a watering can. He forgot to water some of the plants this morning and he can hear Alfred’s lecture on proper plant care.

As he wanders from plant to plant Jason tries to figure out, not what’s going on between him and Roy—cause anything that Jason thinks is happening is just in his head—but what’s going on with him, personally.

When he thought he figured out why he didn’t date, he’d met Ryan. And after they broke up Jason thought he’d figured it out again. But now there’s Roy. 

Roy who he wants to be around all the time. 

Who he wants to kiss and touch.

It feels like he wants a relationship with Roy. But Jason’s never wanted one before, so what’s different now? 

And how can he be sure that's what he really wants?

He knows it’s not that awful bullshit of finally meeting the right person—he felt like this with Ryan too, eventually anyways. 

It might be the romantic in him that wants to think he feels this way because he has met the one but Jason believes in happy endings as much as he believes in the tooth fairy. 

Not even a little bit. 

At least, for him. 

He’s never going to get his happy ending. And that’s fine, it would just be nice to not have the potential of it dangled in front of him. 

But it was with Ryan, in a way. 

And the longer he and Roy keep this up it might get dangled in front of him again. 

Because he’s never wanted a romantic relationship before, but maybe he does now, even if he doesn’t know why.

Ever since he saw Roy again at speed dating, Jason’s life has gone from straightforward to confusing and he just hopes he gets things figured out soon. 

He hates how unsteady he feels, and not knowing why he’s feeling this way.

By the time he finishes watering the plants it’s barely 8pm so Jason grabs his bag and pulls out the book he needs to read and analyze by Monday. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem.

But instead of reading the words in front of him, Jason thinks about the words Roy said tonight.

You were very cute and not that subtle.

We should do that again.

I actually like spending time with you.

Jason finally sets the book down, giving up for now, and reaches for his phone.

He should text Roy and make sure he got home okay.

Looking at his phone Jason sees that it’s full of notifications, mostly from Dick.

📱Dickie: OMG I was interrupting!!!

Why would you answer your phone?!?!

Jason’s not surprised to see a series of photos attached to Dick’s messages.

Him and Roy at the cafe.

Standing in the rain.

Roy pressed close while Jason unlocked the door to the building.

And Roy when he left. Wrinkled shirt and rumpled hair.

Jason doesn’t think he did that part, the rumpled hair part. Roy likes to run a hand through his hair when he’s nervous though.

But why was Roy nervous?

And how does Jason know that?

Another series of text comes through then, this time from Roy.

📱 Roy: FYI Ollie might call you. Sorry!

Oh

And I’m coming to brunch on Sunday

Alfred called and I said yes before I knew what was happening

Jason reads the messages over and over. 

So that’s a Wayne family brunch. Do you think I passed inspection, Jay? Is Ryan Wickham worthy of dating Jason Todd-Wayne?

Jason spends a few minutes trying to think of what to say. Finally he settles on:

📱 Jason: Oliver’s not coming to brunch too

Right?

He watches three bubbles appear and disappear.

📱 Roy: He better fucking not

We just started dating

I don’t need him scaring you away yet

;)

Jason stares at the messages.

Ryan was wrong about a lot of things.

But he was right about a few.

Roy could have anyone he wants. Why would he want a scarred up, ptsd nightmare like Jason?

“This was the worst idea you’ve ever agreed to, Todd.”

A number with a Star City area code pops up on his screen then, and Jason sends it straight to voicemail. 

Jason’s never voluntarily talked to Oliver Queen before, and he’s not about to start now.

The phone rings five more times before Jason just turns it off.

It’s 3am when Jason realizes Roy left with the shirt he meant to hang in his closet. 

Hopefully Dick won’t break in any time soon.

/ / /

Chapter Text

Chapter 4: Great Expectations 

/ / /

Roy groans as he tries on another shirt before immediately discarding it.

Why he was making such a big deal about brunch with a bunch of people he already knew was beyond him.

We should try that again. For practice.

Pinching the bridge of his nose Roy wills the memories from Friday night away. 

It had seemed like a good idea at the time, getting their first kiss out of the way.

His and Jason’s.

But then Jason ended up underneath him and if Roy was being honest with himself if Dick hadn’t called he’s not sure when or If they would have stopped.

Which was definitely a problem. 

Because no matter how much Roy wants this to be real, it wasn’t.

You’re not so bad yourself.

Roy lets out a low growl of frustration and finally settles on the first shirt he’d picked out. A dark green button down.

He was probably trying too hard. Dick was going to comment on his outfit for sure. 

But he saw the little frown on Jason’s face wherever he wore long sleeves—and the smile when he didn’t.

He hadn’t thought of it at the time, but looking back on it Roy can’t help but wonder (hope) if Jason had spilled that cup of coffee on him on purpose that day. 

Roy knew it shouldn’t make him happy, the knowledge that Jason liked his arms.

But it did.

Just because Jason didn’t want to date him, didn’t mean he couldn’t look. 

Roy liked when he looked.

A lot.

It was fun to tease him too, drawing that little frown out on purpose.

Giving himself one more look, Roy grabs his keys and heads to the parking garage. He and Jason had decided that Roy would drive them both, since he had a car and Jason didn’t.

Picking Jason up made this all feel very official and very Real though.

Part of him wishes Lian was coming with, just to make it feel less like he was Meeting the parents for real.

But she’d been invited to a birthday party/sleepover yesterday and wouldn’t be ready to come home till later this afternoon.

It gave him and Jason a convenient means of escape, but Roy also thought Lian would at least be 12 or 13 before she started abandoning him.

She’s been asking non-stop questions about Jason though, and Roy can’t help but wonder if the birthday sleepover is just a clever ruse. She thinks they should do more than sit in coffee shops and brunch with the parents is apparently exactly what she had in mind.

Jason’s waiting outside his building when Roy pulls up on the other side of the street. He waves to Roy before looking both ways and jogging across the street to the car.

Roy absolutely refuses to think about the dark jeans and leather jacket Jason’s wearing.

How he can manage to go from sexy librarian to a dark and mysterious stranger you meet in a bar gives Roy a headache every time he tries to figure it out.

The door opens and Jason slides in.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Ready for the inquisition?”

Jason rolls his eyes as he buckles his seatbelt.

“At least Lian isn’t coming to team up with Dick.”

Roy chuckles at that and starts making his way in the direction of the Manor. It’s a 40 minute drive from this part of the city. He thinks that must have been a pretty big factor when Jason picked this safe house to live in.

“The day those two get together is definitely the last day we can make this scheme of ours work.”

Out of the corner of his eye Roy thinks Jason goes a little pale at that.

“Everything okay, Jaybird?”

“Yeah. Sorry. Just didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”

That’s never good. That first summer after Jason’s run in with the Joker he woke the household more than once with his nightmares.

It’s been 10 years but some nightmares never leave.

“Do you still… did you have a nightmare?”

There’s a long pause and Roy glances from the road for a moment to look at Jason.

He looks surprised by the question.

“Uh, yeah but, no not last night. Just… thinking about the last time I brought someone to brunch.”

“Ah.”

They slip into a semi uncomfortable silence then and when Roy starts to tap his thumbs against the steering wheel he decides to ask the question he’s been meaning to ask since before their first date.

“Do you want to talk about Ryan?”

There’s a beat of silence before Jason sighs.

“What do you want to know?”

Roy has a million questions about Ryan.

Did Dick really introduce you two?

What did you like about him?

Did you ever suspect?

And then there’s the one he asked Dick when everything happened:

How did no one know?

Jason and Ryan’s break up had made headlines. Jason was the first Wayne since Thomas Wayne to get married, and he was so young—barely 21 at the time.

It had been a storybook romance as far as the public was concerned, and when it was announced that the wedding had been called off, more than one reporter began snooping around.

Ryan turned out to be a con man, after Jason’s money. 

If they were any other rich family Roy wouldn’t have really thought twice about it.

But they were all detectives, Bats, so how had Ryan Wickham gotten that close to the Wayne family fortune?

How had he gotten that close to Jason?

“Whatever you want to tell me.”

Jason’s quiet for another long moment, and Roy almost offers to drop the subject when he starts talking.

“Ryan… Ryan was good at showing people what he wanted them to see. And Dick saw a smart art student who was funny and liked all the same things I did and he thought we’d hit it off so he gave Ryan my number and a few weeks later we went on a date.

“And he was nice and smart and funny and everything in a person I knew I should want to date—”

Should?

“—and after a while I liked him and… he said and did all the right things and when he asked me to marry him a year later I said Yes . I thought we were rushing things but I—I loved him.”

Another long silence.

“I thought I loved him, anyway. But I loved the person he wanted me to. And it blew up in my face spectacularly.”

Roy doesn’t say anything for a long time, still trying to wrap his mind around the word Should .

“I’m sorry.”

He watches Jason shrug. “Shit like this happens all the time. I’m just glad he got greedy and blew his cover before I married him.”

Roy hasn’t heard that part of the story. 

“I know. But I’m sorry it happened to you, Jason.”

They’re finally out of the city and headed into the rolling hills of the city limits where the Manor stands.

The silence between them grows, but it's a comfortable one. One that Roy’s reluctant to break, but the closer they get to the Manor the more he feels the need to.

Finally:

“So what’s the game plan?”

“Game plan?”

Roy glances over at Jason and nods.

“Game plan. Are we blushing teenagers or a playful couple?”

“Uhhh… both?”

The confusion in Jason’s voice makes Roy laugh.

“I mean, are we reserved and nervous for this? Or are we flirting and teasing each other the whole time?”

“Oh.”

They’re winding up the road that leads directly to the Manor now.

“I still think both. Nervous at first and then flirting as the day goes on?”

Roy smiles at that, happy for some reason that Jason wants to flirt with him.

“Sounds good, Jaybird.”

They’re pulling up to the front of the house now and when Roy puts the car in park, Jason reaches over and places a hand on his knee.

“There’s only one problem.”

Roy looks up from Jason’s hand and into his eyes.

“What?”

Jason hesitates for a moment and then kisses him. It catches Roy by surprise and by the time his brain catches up to what’s happening Jason’s already pulling away.

“I don’t know how to flirt.”

Roy nods dumbly at him, trying to form a coherent sentence, when suddenly someone is whistling at them.

“Stop making out and get inside already! Alfred’s getting impatient!”

Dick’s standing at the front of the car, arms crossed, grinning like the cat who ate the canary.

Roy flips him off and pulls Jason in for another kiss, smiling when Jason makes a little hum of approval.

At least they’re both on the same page about how to act in front of Jason’s family.

And Jason’s a damn good actor too.

“Roy, get your hands off my baby brother! The waffles are getting cold!”

*     *     *

Brunch goes exceedingly well. 

Dick teases them mercilessly, joking that he wanted Jason to try speed dating, not to try dating Speedy.

Tim chimes in that speed dating was his idea and he and Dick debate for a while who’s the actual matchmaker.

Jason rolls his eyes at the debate, but doesn’t say anything.

Roy gets bombarded with questions of course, mostly from Bruce. Jason’s clearly annoyed by all this and he answers for Roy from time to time when Roy doesn’t actually have an answer.

For someone who claims they can’t flirt, Jason’s doing a remarkable job.

When Roy asks Alfred for the waffle recipe Jason jumps in saying he can’t have it. 

You can burn water, Harper. I’ll come over and make waffles whenever you want them. 

Promise, Jaybird?

Dick comments on how cute they are. 

Damian thinks they’re being gross. 

Lian would be thrilled if she were here.

Eventually the photos of them from the night Dick called get brought up, causing Jason to blush bright red and Damian to roll his eyes.

“I don’t see how Todd’s sexual activities are a topic worth discussing, Grayson.”

Tim nearly chokes on his waffles.

Bruce rubs his temples while Alfred helpfully chimes in:

“I’m sure Master Jason would rather us pursue a different line of conversation. Perhaps how his studies are going?”

Jason shoots Alfred a grateful look, and begins talking about his classes before anyone can protest.

After a few minutes, Bruce breaks in, interrupting Jason.

“Your schedule sounds quite busy, Jaylad. I hope Roy isn’t… distracting you from your studies.”

He gives Roy a critical look and Roy feels like he’s about to be scolded like a misbehaving toddler.

“If you were worried about me getting distracted you shouldn’t have been pushing me into a relationship all this time.”

The air is suddenly tense, and Jason’s gripping his linen napkin tightly. 

Roy reaches over and places a steadying hand on Jason’s thigh.

If Jason’s surprised by this he doesn’t react.

“And no, Roy’s not a distraction. Because he knows how important my studies are.”

There’s a long awkward silence then before Bruce speaks up.

“You’re so close to finishing Jaylad, I just don’t—”

“Want me to get distracted. I know. But Ryan didn’t care much for my studies, he was a distraction, and you loved him.”

Bruce’s mouth turns into a thin line.

“Littlewing—”

“Don’t Dick. You guys don’t get to be all protective now, just cause you fucked up last time. You got what you wanted, I’m dating someone. Now stay out of it.”

Roy moves to grab Jason’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, which Jason returns a moment later, turning slightly to face Roy.

“We should leave soon. It’s almost time for you to pick up Lian.”

Roy nods, he doesn’t need to pick up Lian for a few more hours, it’s only 1:30pm, but he’s more than happy to leave for Jason.

They say their goodbyes, or rather Roy says goodbye, thanking Alfred for the food and Bruce for the invitation, while Jason mutters a tense farewell and says he might not be able to make it next week. 

As they walk out the door Jason grabs Roy’s hand for a moment before Roy lets go, pulling Jason close and wrapping an arm around his waist.

Maybe he’s overselling it, but then Jason leans his head against his shoulder and Roy decides that it doesn’t matter.

*     *     *

They stay like that until they get to the car.

Roy lets Jason go and starts to move to the driver's side when he sees Jason lean against the door, sighing and shaking his head.

“Are you okay, Jason?”

Jason takes a deep breath, looks up at Roy, and lies through his teeth. 

“Fine. Just tired of the overprotective family routine. Let’s go.”

He gets in the car before Roy can say anything. 

The drive back is quiet, Jason’s dark mood keeping Roy from breaking the silence, and at half past 2pm Roy parks his car outside Jason’s building.

“I still have a couple of hours before I have to get Lian, want me to walk you up?”

Jason seems surprised by the offer and looks at him for a long moment before shrugging.

“I’m sure I can make it across the street in one piece but I won’t stop you.”

It’s nice to hear the amused undertone in Jason’s voice, so Roy smiles back and turns the engine off. It’s nice to hear it, and Roy hopes that now that he’s away from the Manor his spirits will improve.

The ride up to Jason’s apartment goes much better than last time. 

Jason’s not soaking wet so it’s easier not to stare at his chest, imagining what’s underneath his clothes.

Roy still imagines though. 

Just a little. 

Once they’re inside Jason hangs up his jacket.

“Do you want something to drink, or do you need to leave now that you know I got back safe and sound?”

Roy laughs and can’t help but notice the hopeful look in Jason’s eyes.

Hopeful that he’ll stay?

Or hopeful that he’ll go?

“Some lemonade would be great if you have any.”

Jason laughs as he heads to the kitchen.

“Lucky for you Dick broke in last week and left some.”

Roy trails after him, “He didn’t drink all of it, or he brought it with him?”

“Brought it. When he breaks in he brings snacks sometimes. Brings poptarts and shit like that. Says he gets hungry waiting for me.”

Of course he does.

“He breaks in often enough to need snacks?”

Jason shrugs as he pours two glasses.

“Now that he’s quit the BPD he says he’s bored. I’m honestly shocked he didn’t break in till a few weeks after we started dating. But he probably figured if he gave me space I’d gossip about you—us more.”

“Does he think this is still high school?”

“Nah. I think he’s just trying to make up for being… awful, those first couple years after Bruce adopted me.”

Dick hadn’t taken Jason’s adoption well—just as Jason ended up not taking Tim’s well. 

It’s a Bat thing, hating your replacement even when they’re not replacing you.

“He feels bad about that. You do know that right?”

“Yeah. About a year after—after Ethiopia we hashed it all out. Still working on it—clearly—but things are better.”

Roy nods and sensing the need to change the subject, he nods to all the plants occupying the floor to ceiling windows in the living room.

“I gotta ask, what’s with the plants? You don’t really seem like the Plant Parent type.”

Jason’s ears turn a faint pink.

“When I first came to the Manor I followed Alfred around a lot. I couldn’t get him to let me help with the cleaning or anything, but he cared for the plants and let me help him with those.

“I started helping less and less the older I got, the more Bruce and I fought, but after Ethiopia Alfred made me start helping again. Thought it would be good for me. Caring for something. And I guess it was.

“When I moved out he gave me one of the plants and everyone else decided they should give me one too—housewarming gifts. I get one or two a year now. Tim says I’m hard to shop for and Bruce doesn’t allow gift cards for Christmas or birthdays.”

He finished with a shrug, a small smile on his face.

Roy liked it when Jason smiles. 

He likes making him smile too. 

“So what I’m hearing is instead of sending flowers when we fight, I should send a houseplant instead.”

Jason rolls his eyes at that, grinning.

“We’re never going to fight.”

Roy realizes then that Jason’s migrated from one side of the kitchen island to the other. 

Realizes that they’re standing next to each other.

Close. 

Realizes how easy it would be to kiss Jason right now.

But as much as he wants to, he knows he can’t. 

Not without asking something first.

“Can I ask you a question?”

Jason seems surprised, like Roy’s broken some sort of spell. 

He takes a small step back. 

“Sure.”

Roy thinks it over, his question. Wanting to get it right.

“When you were telling me about Ryan… you said that he was everything you Should want to date.”

Jason pales a bit. 

“What did you mean by that?”

Jason takes another step back, and then another. 

Roy wishes he’d just kept his mouth shut. 

“I—I just… I don’t know how to explain.”

“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to. I’m just—I’m worried I’m making you do things you think you should and not—and not things you want to do.”

Jason nods slowly, like he understands the question but doesn’t think it needs to be asked.

“Like what?”

This conversation is not going how Roy thought it would. 

Scratching the back of his neck Roy sighs. He doesn’t know where to start, so he starts with the most obvious one. 

“Like the kissing. I pushed you a few days ago for that first kiss when we were here and I know we both liked it but I—I don’t ever want to make you feel like you have to do something and if I am I need to know so I can stop because…”

Roy breaks eye contact then, looking at the floor. He hears Jason take a tentative step back towards him.

“Because what, Roy?”

Sighing, Roy looks back up at Jason. 

“Because I’m afraid Ryan made you do things you didn’t want to—intentionally or not—and I don’t want to do that to you too. You deserve So much better than that.”

Jason looks at him dumbfounded for a moment.

“You didn’t push me into kissing you. I know I could have said No and you would have accepted that. I don’t kiss you because I think I should. You're right that I liked it, and It helps us—it helps us sell this story—but…”

Roy would give anything for Jason to say that he wants to kiss him.

Jason looks away this time, studying his feet and biting his lip.

“It’s nice. Right? Like we said—it’s been awhile for both of us and it’s— it’s nice.”

Roy hopes Jason doesn’t notice his disappointment.

“Just because I don’t look at people and think about kissing them doesn’t mean I don’t like it.”

Everything I should want to date

That phrase keeps running through Roy’s head. It makes sense, but it breaks his heart a little.

“You liked it with Ryan, right? He didn’t—he didn’t—”

This is really none of Roy’s business. He doesn’t know why he’s asking Jason this. But he needs to know at the same time. 

Needs to make sure Jason’s okay. 

Jason opens his mouth a few times, trying to answer.

“Sorry I shouldn’t have—it’s none of my business. I just—”

“Ryan never made me do anything I didn’t want to.”

Roy feels like a weight’s been lifted. 

“And yes, I did like it.”

Roy feels a spark of jealousy run through him.

“I just didn’t need it. Does that make sense?”

Roy’s gone through most of his life wanting to kiss people. Looking at them and thinking about what it would be like to kiss them or hold their hand or more even. 

With the Titans he, Dick and Gar would talk about the girls they liked. The boys too eventually. And they’d talk about their dates and how they went and what base they got to—everything that teenage boys do.

And he can’t imagine walking through life and that not being part of who he is. 

But he’s not everyone. His experience isn’t universal. So while he can’t truly understand what Jason’s experienced, it does make sense. 

He reaches out tentatively. Jason’s moved closer again, and Roy can grab his hand.

“It does.”

Roy watches Jason’s shoulders relax a little, feels Jason thread his fingers through his.

“No one’s—no one’s ever said that before.”

Jason’s looking down at their hands, and Roy wishes Jason had been able to talk to someone—anyone—who would listen before now.

“Thank you.”

Jason’s voice is so quiet that Roy almost doesn’t hear it.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5: First Impressions

/ / /

The week following brunch passes by in a blur for Jason. 

With Thanksgiving just a couple weeks away, work, his internship and his classes he’s a lot busier than normal. 

Or maybe he’s just making it seem that way so he can avoid Roy.

Does that make sense?

It does.

Jason felt like such an idiot after Roy left his apartment last Sunday. 

Roy didn’t need to know… anything he learned that day. Not at brunch, or in the car, or standing in Jason’s kitchen. 

He signed up for a fake relationship, not Jason’s personal problems.

But Roy seemed so worried about forcing him to do things he didn’t want to do—which was ridiculous—and so Jason tried to explain…

He always has to explain.

Why don’t you date?

Aren’t you lonely?

You just haven’t met the right person yet.

Jason hates having to explain himself. 

Hates having to justify his life. 

Hates being reminded that he’s not enough. 

Why isn’t he enough—why has he never been enough?

You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.

Roy said he didn’t have to explain though. Jason still had—he just doesn’t know why.

And he really needs to figure that out, ideally before he sees Roy again.

Needs to figure out why, after just a few weeks, he trusts Roy so much.

So every time Roy texted him, asking if he wanted to grab coffee, Jason brushed him off, using his classes or work or thesis as an excuse. 

It’s Friday now, and Roy hasn’t texted him at all today. 

Jason wonders if he’s fucked up big time, and if Roy will still want to do this, or if he’s finally decided that Jason’s not worth the headache of faking a relationship anymore.

Sighing Jason looks at his watch.

It’s 5:15pm, just 15 minutes left on his shift at the bookstore. Biting his lip Jason thinks about texting Roy, seeing if it’s too late to grab coffee today, and if it is, if they could try tomorrow.

Before Jason can grab his phone to send a text to him though, a little girl comes down the row of shelves Jason’s organizing. 

She looks familiar, but Jason can’t place where from. She might just be a customer or maybe he’s seen her at story time down at the library.

He’s in the science fiction section, and while Jason never stops anyone from reading what they want, Lord of the Rings might be a little advanced for this young girl.

Maybe.

She can’t be more than eight years old. 

“Anything I can help you find?”

The girl looks up at him, and Jason laughs a little when she says:

“If I tell you, will you take me back to the kids books?”

Jason shrugs and tilts his head. “Depends, what are you looking for?”

The little girl scrutinizes Jason for a few seconds and then nods, apparently deciding she can talk to him.

“My daddy’s birthday is next week and I want to get him a book.”

Roy’s birthday is next week.

“Okay, does your dad like to read science fiction?”

She nods her head. “He likes things with robots in them.”

“Robots are pretty cool. And I’m assuming traveling to different planets is cool too?”

Jason has to bite back a laugh as she rolls her eyes at him.

“Duh.”

“Of course. Stupid question. But I think I have just the book for you to give to your dad.”

Jason leads her down the row until he finds the books he’s looking for.

“Here. Give that a look and tell me what you think.”

She takes the book from him eyeing the cover critically before reading the back.

“It’s small.”

Jason does let out a snort this time.

“Well it’s part of a series if you wanted something longer for him to read.”

She shakes her head.

“No, this is good. My daddy doesn’t read lots of fiction but his new boyfriend likes books. I wanted to get him one so they can talk about it.”

Roy’s mentioned a few times that Lian’s been trying to get him to read more books. She thinks they’ll run out of things to talk about if he doesn’t.

“Well if he’s a fast reader they should be able to talk about it in no time.”

“Good. Daddy hasn’t seen Jason—”

Jason’s heart stops.

“—all week and I think it’s cause they don’t have anything to talk about.”

Looking at the little girl now, Jason realizes where he’s seen her before.

Roy shows him pictures of Lian all the time. Showing off her latest art project or the volcano they made in their kitchen.

He should have recognized her and—

“Lian, honey, what have I told you about running—”

Roy’s standing at the end of the row now, holding a few kids books in his hands.

He’s got his hair pulled back underneath that awful hat of his. Wearing a red plaid shirt with a grey shirt underneath it.

Jason’s seen him look like this a thousand times it seems like, but today it makes it hard to breathe for some reason.

“Jason.”

He has no idea what possesses him, but Jason raises his hand and gives Roy an awkward wave.

“Hey.”

They haven’t talked about when Jason and Lian would meet. Not lately anyways. 

And they certainly didn’t plan on running into Jason at the bookstore on a day he normally has off. 

Before either of them can say anything else, Lian turns back to him, looking annoyed and slightly… surprised?

“You’re Jason?”

Another awkward wave.

“Guilty.”

Lian crosses her arms then, and glares at Jason.

“Why have you been ignoring my daddy?”

Jason faced down a lot of villains during his time as Robin but Lian’s a lot scarier than those chumps ever thought of being.

“Oh my god, Lian. You can’t just—Jason’s very busy right now. He’s not ignoring me.”

Roy gives Jason an apologetic look and Jason feels his stomach tie into knots. 

Cause he has been ignoring Roy, avoiding him—and Roy probably knows it.

Lian huffs and walks over to her dad before grabbing his hand and pulling him closer to Jason.

“If you’re really not ignoring my dad, will you have dinner with us tonight?”

Looking into Lian’s big brown eyes Jason has no idea how Roy ever says No to her.

“I’m not off work till 5:30—”

Jason cringes internally. It’s basically 5:30 now and it sounds like he’s making an excuse not to join them.

“If you don’t mind waiting, I’d love to go to dinner with you.”

He looks at Roy when he says it, and Roy’s cheeks turn faintly pink.

“Great! See daddy? I told you it was easy.”

Jason feels his face heat up and thinks he must be as red as Roy’s.

Rolling his eyes Roy sighs and shakes his head.

“Yes you did sweetheart.”

*     *     *

Twenty minutes later Jason finds himself walking down a path in a park close to the bookstore with Roy beside him and Lian a few feet in front of them.

“I feel like we’re being chaperoned.”

“Yeah except this one expects us to kiss and thus have to get married because I’ve besmirched your honor and good standing.”

Jason snorts and shoves Roy lightly, ignoring the way Roy’s comment sends his heart racing.

Something else he needs to figure out too.

“So you are after my fortune then?”

Roy chuckles at that, shaking his head.

They lapse into silence then and Jason regrets the joke. Considering what happened with Ryan it probably wasn’t the best one he’s made.

After a minute or so Roy looks over at him, a small smile on his face.

“Can I tell you something?”

Jason nods his head.

“I’m sure your trust fund is more impressive but Ollie gave me mine back a few years ago.”

That’s certainly news to Jason. Oliver had been running for Mayor of Star City when he caught Roy doing drugs. His subsequent actions, including kicking Roy out and refusing to pay for rehab, had been very public. 

“He apologized for… everything. Said he shouldn’t have done what he did or taken the money away in the first place.”

Roy pauses then, looking at Lian who’s sneaking glances back at them.

“I’m glad he did though. Probably wouldn’t have gotten clean if he hadn’t. I wouldn’t have Lian, that's for sure.”

Jason grabs for Roy’s hand then, and Roy looks down at them before continuing.

“I think that’s part of why Ollie pushes so hard for me to be with someone. I think he worries that when Lian doesn’t need me I’ll fall to pieces. He’s right of course. After a fashion.

“I’ll be a wreck I’m sure but not… just cause Lian’s going to go off to college or whatever doesn’t mean I’ll start using or drinking again.

“I know Lian shouldn’t be my whole world but… taking time away from her, and giving it to someone else? It just feels… wrong.”

Jason feels his stomach begin to knot up, but then Roy pulls him closer, like he’s going to tell Jason a secret.

“But with you it’s… Don’t ever tell Ollie this—I’ll never hear the end of it—but it’s been nice, having you around.” Roy bites his lip, glancing down at their feet.

Jason smiles trying to hide his anxiety about what Roy might say next.

Roy looks back up at Jason, giving him a small smile.

“It doesn’t feel wrong, spending time with you.”

Jason stares at Roy for a long moment, trying to push the words out of his mind.

It doesn’t feel wrong, spending time with you.

He can’t deal with them right now.

“I like having you around too. And I’m—I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you.”

He looks at the ground, avoiding Roy’s eyes but hoping he’ll be okay with the subject change.

Roy lets go of his hand then, but before Jason can panic he feels Roy wrap an arm around his waist, closing what little distance was left between them.

“It’s okay. I figured… I thought that Sunday must've been hard for you and that you—needed a break. And I’m sorry, if I pushed you and made you talk about things you didn’t want to.”

Jason doesn’t look down at the ground this time.

“You didn’t. It was nice talking to you about those things.”

It doesn’t feel wrong

Jason pauses then, trying to think of how to say what he needs to. 

“But…”

Roy’s tone is soft, and encouraging and Jason knows that if he asked Roy would drop it and change the subject. 

But Jason doesn’t want to, which scares him just a little.      

“That’s why I was avoiding you. I don’t like talking about those things—it doesn’t feel safe—but it did with you and I… I don’t know what to think or how I feel about that.”

“Oh.”

Jason watches Roy trying to read between the lines of what he’s just said and after a moment, Jason takes a deep breath and starts to talk.

“Whenever anything like that comes up, everyone always wants me to explain myself—there’s never an option to say No —but you said I didn’t have to explain if I didn’t want to, but I still explained—tried to, anyways—and I can’t figure out why I did that.

“I hate trying to explain myself to people—to justify my life to them or to make them understand that I don’t need a relationship to be happy. But when you asked—when you told me I didn’t have to—it made me want to talk about it.

“It felt safe to talk about it with you and I don’t—I don’t understand why .”

Jason takes a shaky breath.

 “And I felt like I needed to figure that out before seeing you again. I’m sorry.”

They stopped walking at some point, and Jason realizes he’s breathing hard, and his heart’s racing.

“Jason?”

He looks at Roy and nods hesitantly.

“If I ever hear you say I’m sorry again—especially about this—I’m going to kick your ass. Okay?”

Jason feels his throat tighten from the look of conviction in Roy’s eyes, so all he does is nod.

Roy smiles a few seconds later, and brushes the hair away from Jason’s eyes.

Jason’s eyes slip closed when Roy kisses him then.

It’s soft and sweet and it makes Jason think that maybe this could be real.

“YES!”

Lian’s shout of triumph breaks them apart. 

She’s grinning widely at them, clapping her hands and jumping.

A few people around them laugh at her joy, and give them knowing looks.

Roy huffs at her, sounding equal parts amused and embarrassed.

“Yes, yes. We kissed—I wasn’t lying to you.”

Lian just grabs back at them.

“I can’t wait to tell Grandpa Ollie!”

Roy lets go of Jason completely then, running over to pick Lian up and spinning her around.

“Are you telling me that you’re the one who’s been spying on us and feeding Ollie information?”

Lian nods her head, giggling and Roy turns back to Jason.

“We have a spy in our midst, Jaybird. What on earth should we do about it?”

Jason gives Lian a critical look and shrugs.

“Well clearly she can’t go trick or treating next week—or have any Halloween candy.”

Lian starts shaking her head vehemently.

“Don’t listen to him daddy! Jason's just mad we didn’t buy all those books!”

Jason snorts while Roy laughs, putting Lian back down on the ground.

“No, I think Jaybird’s right. But! If you eat all your vegetables this week without complaining I think I can be persuaded to forget your ‘punishment’.”

Lian nods again, promising to eat all the vegetables—even the broccoli.

Roy and Lian shake on their deal and then Lian runs ahead of them, determined to finally get dinner.

Jason slips back into step with Roy, who wraps an arm around his waist again.

“Never gotten her to agree to eat vegetables that quickly. You and I make a pretty good team apparently.”

Roy’s smiling at him and Jason feels his face heat up.

“If Lian does eat all her vegetables this week, does that mean I win Boyfriend of the year?”

Roy nods, kissing Jason lightly on the cheek.

“You might even get rewarded for your efforts.”

The blush on Jason’s face deepens and he hopes Roy thinks it’s just the chill in the air. 

“Do you have any ideas of what you’d like that reward to be, Jaybird?”

If Roy didn’t flirt with everyone Jason would almost think he was flirting with him.

“Well there is this benefit for the city library coming up. I could use a date to that.”

There’s a flash of disappointment in Roy’s eyes then.

At least, Jason thinks there is.

“Hmmm I could be persuaded to accompany you that night. Do I have to wear a suit?”

“Ideally.”

Roy pretends to consider it a moment, finally giving a big sigh and looking resigned to a fate worse than death.

“I suppose I can do it. But you're paying the babysitter that night.”

Jason rolls his eyes, laughing as he says,

“Lucky for me Dick lets me pay him in gossip and poptarts.”

*     *     *

Dinner goes well that night.

They go to a place that serves fancy grilled cheese and the best fries Jason’s ever had.

Lian talks almost non stop, asking Jason about everything from what it was like being Robin, to if he likes selling books.

Roy eventually gets Lian to calm down, saying she’ll have to eat all her vegetables for two weeks if she keeps asking Jason questions. 

Jason doesn’t mind the questions, not really, but he does feel like he’s being interrogated by the inquisition. 

Just a little.

After dinner Jason pays for a cab to take Roy and Lian back to their apartment, and from there he plans on walking back to his own.

This proves to be a mistake because once Lian learns how close they live to each other, she starts insisting that they see each other for dinner more, and not just coffee.

“You need to go on real dates, coffee doesn’t count.”

They both laughed at that and when Jason finally said goodbye, he and Roy had to put a little extra effort into their kiss, lest Lian decide that it’s not good enough and they need to try again. 

Jason wouldn’t mind that, but he tries not to think about that too much. 

His emotions and thoughts are mixed up enough as it is. 

But by the time he does get back to his place and has changed out of his work clothes, Jason can’t stop thinking about kissing Roy. 

Because he likes it, and wants to keep kissing him, but at the same time if he and Roy could still have what they have now, but without the kissing, Jason would still be just as happy. 

Jason wonders if Roy would understand, if he ever tried to explain.

He wonders if he’ll ever understand why he wants to kiss Roy in the first place, when he’s never sought that out before.

Kissing Ryan had always been nice, but it was something Ryan initiated most of the time. All of the time when it came to sex.         

Ryan said he was happy to take the lead and that he didn’t mind that Jason was shy, as he put it. 

And despite everything he put Jason through, Ryan never once crossed a boundary or made him do something he didn’t want to.

It’s okay if you don’t want to try this, Jay. Promise.

He knows with Roy it would be like that. 

It would also be completely different too. 

Jason’s phone chimes then and he glances down at it to see a message from Roy lighting up the screen.

📱 Roy: I know today wasn’t planned

but I’m glad you got to meet

Lian

Jason reads the message a few times, and before he can respond another message comes through.

📱 Roy: And it was nice to have dinner

together—we should try that

again some time ;)

Jason stares at the messages for a minute before typing back a response:

📱 Jason: Lol tell Lian we get the hint

I’m free on Wednesday if

that works for her ;)

Roy’s response is immediate:

📱 Roy: Wednesday works for her

7 sound good?

Jason laughs, picturing Lian reading over Roy’s shoulder.

📱 Jason: Perfect.

Make sure to bring flowers

it’s not a date without flowers

Jason watches the typing bubbles appear and disappear for several long moments before a message finally comes through.

📱 Roy: Don’t worry Jayjay!

I’ll meka daddy brin some!

Jason eyes the word Jayjay for a moment before finally deciding it’s just a typo and not a nickname he needs to put a stop to.

📱 Roy: Sorry

She stole my phone

Little monster

I’ll see you Wednesday

if not sooner Jaybird

Not that he’s ever done anything about Jaybird though.

📱 Jason: See you soon

…

Roytoy???

Jason groans as soon as he hits send, wishing he could take it back.

A few seconds later he gets a response from Roy.

📱 Roy: Omg

Absolutely not

Just stick with Roy

Jason types back his response quickly.

📱 Jason: Oh thank fuck

I’ve never regretted

something so much in 

my life let's forget that

ever happened

A few minutes pass by before Roy’s last response of the night comes through:

📱 Roy: Goodnight Jason

Talk to you tomorrow

Jason types back Goodnight and then stares down at his phone.

He stares at it for a long time.

It’s been nice, having you around

It doesn’t feel wrong

You and I make a pretty good team

Jason doesn’t know why he trusts Roy after knowing him for only a few weeks. Doesn’t know why he wants to kiss him when that’s not something he’s ever sought out before. 

Can’t wrap his mind around why Roy kisses him unprompted, even though it’s good for their cover.

And he wonders when it went from being a cover, to a relationship for him.

He doesn’t know if Roy wants this to be anything more than a cover now—or if he ever would.

Jason also knows he’ll never have the courage to ask Roy either.

I’d love to go to dinner with you

I like having you around too

It felt safe to talk about it with you

/ / /

Chapter Text

Chapter 6: Fools in Love

/ / /

“Dude, if I didn’t know any better I’d think you were getting ready for a first date.”

Roy resists the urge to tell Dick that it might be by checking the chili again.

“I’m making chili. Who makes chili for someone on their first date? And don’t say Ollie—even he doesn’t do that.”

Dick chuckles and shakes his head.

“I’m not even sure why you’re making Jason chili in the first place. A romantic dinner it is Not.”

Roy feels his face heat up and stammers out a response.

“It’s the only thing I know I can cook without somehow fucking it up—even on accident. And besides, it’s the perfect day for chili!”

He points out the kitchen window, where the gray overcast skies are threatening snow.

They’re halfway through December and Gotham has yet to have a major snow storm—natural or villain made.

Roy would be suspicious if he weren’t so thankful. 

He fucking hates snow.

“Okay… so if you’re not worried about poisoning Jason with Oliver’s chili, what’s up?”

Roy feels his face heat up and turns back to the chili, stirring it some more.

Your brother and I have been fake dating for four months but I’ve wanted to be dating him for real the whole time and can’t keep my mouth shut anymore.

“Roy?”

Setting the spoon down, Roy places the lid back on the chili and turns to face Dick.

“Aren’t you supposed to be taking your goddaughter ice skating today?”

That gets him an eyebrow raised in response before Dick’s eyes go wide a moment later.

“Oh fuck. Are you proposing?”

Roy just stares at Dick, dumbfounded.

“Am I what? I’m making chili! Jesus Dick. Are you proposing? I know you all think Jason and I are great together and all but that’s moving just a Little fast, don’t you think?”

Dick just grins back at him. 

“That’s not a No.”

Roy huffs; he is proposing, sort of. 

Jason, will you be in a not fake relationship with me?

Before Roy can say anything to contradict Dick, Lian appears in the kitchen, bundled up and clearly ready for ice skating.

“I’m ready uncle Dick!”

Over the last few weeks Dick’s been coming over more often, finally able to spend time with his friend and his goddaughter now that he’s become a full-time vigilante. 

It’s great.

Except Lian’s wearing something that looks like it’s straight out of the 80’s and while it’s adorable, Roy honestly thought he’d never see this color combination again. 

Dick is thrilled by her choice of outfit of course.

“Did you pack your overnight bag like we talked about, munchkin?”

What?

Lian nods, grinning wide at her uncle before she catches her dad’s eye.

“In case Jayjay wants to stay the night like last time.”

Roy bites back a groan as Dick smirks at him.

Last time, he and Jason had fallen asleep on the couch while watching some period drama for one of Jason’s classes.

He’d woken up with Jason laying sprawled across his chest and Lian smiling down at them like the Cheshire Cat.

Jason had woken up then, and smiled lazily at Roy before kissing him good morning. 

Roy’s still not sure if Jason knew Lian was there before or after kissing him. 

Roy kneels down in front of Lian, playfully tugging her striped hat down lower on her head.

“Well we won’t be watching a period drama about copper mining in Cornwall today so Jason’s probably not going to stay the night sweetie.”

Lian rolls her eyes at him, clearly not believing him.

“Come on, munchkin. Maybe if we’re lucky it’ll start snowing and Jay will have to stay here anyways.”

Dick winks down at her and gives Roy a knowing smile.

They always gang up on him and Jason whenever they’re together.

Lian looks out the window then, crossing her fingers on both hands.

Since he and Jason started this whole thing that they’ve been doing Roy’s realized several things.

1. Lian’s a lot more observant than she lets on.
2. He’s not nearly as good at hiding his emotions as he thinks he is.
3. Lian’s happier now than she’s been in a long time.

That last realization felt like falling off a building. 

Roy’s always put Lian first—since day one he’s done everything he can to make sure she’s safe and healthy and happy.

But then Jason started coming over for dinner, or they’d all go out to a movie and despite Lian’s protests that those didn’t count as dates cause she was there, Roy could see how happy she was when Jason’s around.

How happy she Is when Jason’s around.

They had gone back to Star for Thanksgiving and Lian had talked about Jason almost non-stop.

Oliver and Dinah couldn’t get over how much Lian liked Jason. 

Ollie had never particularly liked Jason when he had been Robin, but he was oddly happy about him and Roy dating.

He makes my favorite girl happy—that’s all that matters.

Oh, so my happiness doesn’t matter?

Roy, fella, you’d never be with anyone who didn’t make Lian happy. 

When they got back to Gotham, Jason picked them up at the airport and Lian had gone running into his arms, acting like it had been years since she’d seen Jason, and not just a few days.

Jayjay! 

Roy had been the one to drive them back to the apartment that night, Lian insisting Jason sit in the back with her so they could catch up.

Listening to Lian’s laugh and catching glances of her smile in the rear view mirror, Roy realized that he hadn't seen her like that in months. 

Hadn’t seen her that happy since long before they left Star.

That’s why he’s so nervous today. 

Because he’ll be fine if Jason doesn’t want this for real. 

Doesn’t want Them.

But Lian…

There’s a knock at the door then, bringing Roy out of his head and he can’t help but smile when Jason’s voice calls into the apartment.

“Honey I’m home!”

Dick snorts, and Roy glares at him as he makes his way into the living room and towards Jason.

Lian’s already by his side, talking his ear off about what she and Dick have planned for this afternoon. 

Jason shakes with laughter, her excitement (and outfit no doubt) making a smile break out on his face.

“You made it. I was starting to think the kids at the library were holding you hostage.”

Jason looks up from Lian, smiling as Roy closes the distance between them.

“I stopped by the store on the way here.”

Jason points to the bag sitting on the floor at his feet and Roy can’t help but chuckle and roll his eyes.

“I told you not to bring anything, Jaybird.”

Jason shrugs, letting Roy wrap an arm around his waist, pulling him close.

“I thought I’d make cornbread to go with the chili.”

Jason kisses him before Roy can say anything and Roy’s heart skips a beat when he feels Jason sigh against him.

Since that first night Jason joined him and Lian for dinner it’s become clear to Roy that there’s a lot that Jason doesn’t understand about himself.

He can see Jason trying to figure things out though.

Sees it when he hesitates before taking Roy’s hand. Feels it when the tension slowly eases out of Jason when they sit close together.

Hears it in the soft noise of surprise Jason makes when they kiss.

He sees it in Jason’s eyes too. In the way he studies Roy’s face before and after they kiss. The way he reads Roy’s body language and turns the words Roy says over in his head.

Jason may have been Robin for only a few years but he’s still a detective. He still tries to piece together clues, even if the mystery is his own feelings.

When they break apart a few moments later, Roy watches something light up in Jason’s eyes and a smile begins to break across his face.

Roy smiles back, still dazed from their kiss. “What, Jaybird?”

The smile widens and Jason shakes his head a bit.

“I’ll tell you later.”

They continue to watch one another for a few more moments until…

“Christ. Are they always like this munchkin?”

Roy feels his face heat up at the sound of Dick’s voice and Lian’s bright giggle.

“Yes. It’s worse when they think I’m asleep.”

If he wasn’t blushing before, Roy definitely is now.

You make out with your fake boyfriend One Time while washing the dishes—

Dick is smirking at them, not even trying to hold back his laughter.

“If you two need some alone time , Lian can always come to the Manor. I’m sure Alfred would be happy to watch her so you two can—”

Jason grabs the bag of groceries off the floor and brushes past Dick, shoving him playfully as he heads into the kitchen.

“Maybe if you stopped Calling every five minutes Roy and I wouldn’t need Lian to keep you busy so we can actually have some alone time Dickie.”

Jason has his back to them now, but Roy can picture the satisfied smirk on his face easily enough.

Roy moves to join Jason in the kitchen, giving Dick a cheeky grin.

“Better get going Dickie. You and Lian have a lot to do today and Jaybird and I—”

Dick chuckles and raises his hands in surrender.

“Okay, okay. I don’t need all the details.”

Jason pokes his head out of the kitchen then.

“Lian, Peanut, you have my number saved in your phone right?”

Lian nods her head. “Yes.”

“And you know you can call me if your dad doesn’t answer?”

“Daddy always answers unless he’s kissing you, Jayjay.”

Dick snorts.

Roy makes a sound of annoyance and Lian girns at him.

That’s never actually happened but Lian’s always enjoyed teasing her father. 

“But if you and uncle Dickface get in trouble you’ll call me so I can bail you out of jail?”

Jason has a very serious expression on his face. One that makes Lian giggle as she nods her head.

“We’re going ice skating. How would we end up in jail Littlewing?”

*     *     *

20 minutes later the chili is still happily bubbling on the stove and the cornbread is baking in the oven while Jason paces around Roy’s living room, reading his advisor’s latest comments on his thesis.

Roy watches him from the couch, a stupid smile on his face.

He has no idea what the comments actually say. Jason just mutters No shit Sherlock and Fine have it your way! a lot. 

If it weren’t so cute Roy would be annoyed by Jason giving the paper more attention than him right now.

It’s hard to confess your love to someone when they’re focused on 18th century literature.

Jason stops pacing suddenly, throwing the thick bundle paper to the ground before pulling the hood of his hoodie down over his face, groaning.

“Go to college, Dick said. Get a Masters, Bruce said. Why fight Kite Man when you can be normal, Alfred said. Well fuck this shit I’d rather fight Kite Man than deal with this bullshit.”

Jason climbs onto the couch then, resting his head in Roy’s lap.

Moments like this mean a lot. 

The moments when Jason doesn’t hesitate to touch Roy. Each time feels like a small victory. Not because Jason’s getting more comfortable with him. 

But because these moments mean that Jason’s getting more comfortable with himself.

Comfortable or not though, Roy feels Jason tense in his lap a few moments later. Most likely Jason’s realized that he’s crawled into Roy’s lap without asking and is trying to figure out if he’s somehow fucked up by doing so.

He hasn’t, but Roy knows that the only way to keep Jason where he is is to reassure him that he’s done nothing wrong.

So Roy pulls the hoodie back from Jason’s face, and smiles down at his grumpy expression.

“That bad, is it?”

Jason’s eyes dart around, trying to read Roy’s expression. When Jason doesn’t relax at his smile though, Roy brushes some of Jason’s hair back from his face.

The touch seems to do the trick, and Roy feels Jason relax as huffs in mock annoyance. 

“Yes. Horrid. I’ll have to spend all break working on it and not with—”

Jason’s phone goes off then, interrupting whatever he was going to say. 

Jumping off Roy, Jason scratches the back of his neck as he mutters, “I better get that. Before the cornbread burns.”

Roy lets him go and wonders what Jason was going to say.

I’ll have to spend all break working on it and not with–

You.

Roy turns around on the couch so he’s facing the kitchen. From here he can see Jason moving around, taking the bread out of the oven and letting it rest as he gathers plates and bowls, butter and honey.

He moves around Roy’s kitchen like it’s his own.

And while Roy watches Jason, he can’t help but wonder what Jason would say if he invited him to Star for New Years.

Jason has the next month off, now that fall term has ended. But Roy and Lian will be in Star for two of those weeks.

“Roy, dinners ready—and we’re not eating on the couch again so get in here if you want any.”

Roy chuckles, standing from the couch.

“Coming Dear.”

*     *     *

Roy never gets to ask Jason if he’d come to Star for New Years. 

Never gets to lay his heart out on his sleeve. 

Because while they’re sitting at the kitchen table, eating chili and cornbread, Jason withdraws into himself, getting more and more quiet.

At first Roy thought Jason was just getting caught up in thinking about his thesis. Then the impending holidays and his family wanting him to stay at the Manor.

Those were the things they talked about, so it made sense that those would be the things on Jason’s mind as he began to close himself off.

So Roy tried to change the subject—tried to get Jason to think about something that he might be excited about or looking forward to.

The Library Benefit wasn’t the best topic of conversation it turned out.

“I know we still have a few days to decide, but are you still okay with us taking a cab to the library benefit? Or would you rather I drive us? I don’t mind either way I just—”

Roy cuts himself off when he watches the color drain out of Jason’s face.

“Jaybird, are you okay?”

Jason doesn’t say anything, and Roy feels his anxiety rising. 

“Jason what’s—”

“Ryan’s going to be there.”

At first, Roy thinks he must have misheard. And then that Jason misspoke or meant a different Ryan. 

He didn’t.

“What do you mean he’s going to be there, Jaybird?”

Jason’s trying hard not to fidget in his seat at the kitchen table.

Roy hates that they’re not eating on the couch. 

He could hold Jason if there wasn’t a table between them.

And maybe that’s why Jason’s telling him this now. 

Maybe it’s easier, with this distance between them. 

“Ryan’s part of the artist collective that won the competition.”

“The competition for displaying art at the libraries? I know you said he was an art student but I didn’t think—”     

“That he’s an actual artist? Yeah. He’s a painter. A good one too.”

They slip into silence for a couple of moments. Jason lost in some memory and Roy trying not to rush him. Finally Jason starts to talk again.

“The art on display at the benefit will be up for auction and all the money raised will go to the library and to fund future artist collaborations.”

Roy knows that the whole point of the benefit is to raise funds for the Gotham City Public Library system, but he didn’t realize that there would be an art auction.

His stomach twists at the idea, but he doesn’t understand why.

Jason seems lost again—another memory perhaps—and Roy wonders what he can do to make the blank look on his face disappear.

“I found out last week that he’d be there—”

Roy’s so busy processing the fact that Jason’s spent the last week knowing his ex was going to be at the benefit that he almost misses the next part.             

“—I didn’t want you to be blindsided if he… wants to compare notes or something.”

What?

Roy stares at Jason.

He’s looking at his half empty bowl of chili, avoiding eye contact.

Avoiding Roy.

“Jaybird—I’m not—I’d never do that Jason. I—”

The chair scrapes loudly across the floor when Jason stands up, gathering his bowl and plate.

“I know. But Ryan’s persuasive. Good at getting what he wants. You’ll say No but it turns into a Yes sooner or later.”

Roy watches Jason walk away from the table, his mind going a thousand miles an hour.

Ryan never made me do anything I didn’t want to.

Jason’s standing at the sink now, turning on the water and getting the soap and sponge out from under the sink.

“Jason—”

“Do you have a suit yet? Alfred’s tailor could fit you in this week if you still need one.”

Roy has a suit. Alfred helped him pick it out a couple of weeks ago. He’s getting it fitted in two days.

He doesn’t want to talk about the suit though.

Watching as Jason washes the dishes, he knows Jason won’t talk about Ryan again. 

Not tonight.

“Yeah I have a suit, Jaybird.”

Jason looks over his shoulder at Roy, a small smile on his face. 

“Can’t wait to see it.”

There’s a faint blush on his cheeks when Jason turns back to the sink.

Roy watches him for a while, and all the conversations they’ve had about Ryan play in his head.

They haven’t had many. Roy’s lucky he knows anything beyond what the press reported.

And Jason’s never said it. 

Has never used Abusive to describe Ryan or their relationship. 

But what little Roy knows of him is enough to tie his stomach in knots. 

Enough to make him worry.

Roy picks up his plate and bowl and brings them over to the sink. He sets them down and kisses Jason’s temple wrapping his arms around his waist. 

Jason stiffens at the touch, and Roy feels the knots in his stomach tighten.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner—about Ryan being there.”

Roy holds on tighter, as if to reassure Jason that he’s not going anywhere.

“It’s fine, Jaybird.”

Roy hesitates then, before continuing. “You know you can talk to me about him though, right?”

A few moments pass before Jason gives a stiff nod.

“I don’t want to talk about him though. I just… want to forget, you know?”

Roy knows all about wanting to forget past relationships.

But he can’t help but feel like Jason wants to forget his for very different reasons.

“Talking helps—more than forgetting in some cases.”

Roy feels Jason’s chest rumble with a low laugh.

“Now you sound like Alfred.”

“Really? I was channeling my inner Dick Grayson.”

That makes Jason laugh out loud and Roy smiles, happy that he’s brought Jason out of the melancholy from moments ago.

Jason laughs a bit more and then nods his head towards the pot stop on the stove.

“I’ll take care of these if you take care of that?”

Roy nods and steps away from Jason to take care of the chili leftovers. 

While he dishes the chili into several Tupperware dishes, Roy watches Jason out of the corner of his eye, wondering what it is about Ryan that he wants to forget.

Wondering how often Ryan turned Jason’s No’s into Yes’.

Once the chili is put away, Roy sets the pot in the sink to soak, before wrapping his arms around Jason’s waist again. 

Jason doesn’t tense this time.

“For the record, I can’t wait to see you in your suit either, Jaybird.”

Roy watches as Jason’s ears begin to turn red and he takes a chance and kisses one of Jason’s cheeks. 

Jason lets out another low laugh, shaking his head before turning to look at Roy over his shoulder.

“Why don’t you pick out a movie for us to watch while I finish this? Unless you’re tired of me—”

Roy feels his arms tighten around Jason, pulling his flush against his chest.

“Never.”

Watches Jason’s eyes widen just a fraction.

In surprise?

“I’m never going to get tired of you, Jaybird.”

Just for a moment, that look is back in Jason’s eyes. The one from earlier. When Jason first came over and they kissed.

Roy doesn’t know what Jason was thinking then.

Doesn’t know what he’s thinking now.

Roy wants to kiss him like they kissed this afternoon.

Wants to tell Jason how he really feels and how he hates pretending that none of this means anything.

That none of this is real.

But Roy can remember all the times he moved too fast. All the times his heart scared someone away.

Jason still looks like a horse ready to bolt, even after these last few weeks.

So Roy smiles at Jason instead, and asks what kind of movie he’s in the mood for. 

Surprise me.

He’s not going to surprise Jason tonight—not in a way that might scare him.

Because Roy’s never wanted someone as much as he wants Jason.

And if keeping Jason means Roy has to keep his mouth shut a bit longer—just long enough for him to show Jason that he’s not going to hurt him—then that’s okay.

/ / /

Chapter Text

Chapter 7: Half Agony, Half Hope

/ / /

“Jayjay, are you and daddy fighting?”

Jason nearly drops the watering can in his hands at Lian’s question.

It’s only 11am, Roy dropped Lian off a couple of hours ago, but Jason honestly thought they’d at least make it through lunch before Lian asked about what’s going on between him and Roy.

This isn’t any of your business Roy!

The hell it isn’t! You invited me to this shindig! Also—I’m allowed to worry about you–I’m your boyfriend!

Since when?

Lian’s sitting on the couch, peering over the back of it at him, her eyes full of curiosity.

And sadness.

“We’re not fighting, Sweetie. We had A fight, but we’re not fighting.”

Jason sets the watering can down on the floor and makes his way over to Lian. The plants can wait, the little girl watching him can’t.

“What makes you think we’re fighting?” he asks, taking a seat next to Lian.

Lian gives him an unimpressed look—I’m not an idiot—it screams, and rolls her eyes before saying:

“You and daddy didn’t kiss Hello or Goodbye.”

Lian had been watching them like a hawk from the moment she and Roy arrived till the moment Roy left to run his errands.

Her watchful gaze meant that even if Jason wanted to lie he couldn’t.

Jason doesn’t lie to kids as a rule—adults lied to him all the time as a kid and nothing good ever came of it.

But just this once—this one time he wishes he could lie.

Wishes he could tell Lian that everything’s fine.

They’re worried about you Jaybird. They just—

I don’t need their worry and I certainly don’t need yours either. 

Everything’s not fine though. And Jason’s not sure he can fix it either.

I don’t need you or anyone else fixing my screw ups!

No—but you don’t need to deal with them alone either!

Lian’s still looking at him, waiting for an answer. Jason just can’t think of how to answer the question.

He’s not even sure what the question was anymore.

“What did you and daddy fight about?”

Lian’s voice brings Jason back, the haze in his mind clearing for a moment.

I can’t believe you told them that Ryan is going to be there!

I thought they already knew!

Jason frowns a little, the memory playing in his head.

They didn’t know because I don’t want them there! 

Why the fuck not?!

After a few moments Jason shakes his head, hoping it comes off more dismissive of the situation than of Lian herself.

“Just grown up stuff, Sugar. But we’re okay now, I promise.”

They’re not though. They haven’t spoken since the fight, not really, and Jason’s spent the last few days working on his thesis and picking up extra shifts at work instead of spending time with Roy and Lian.

He wanted to spend this time with them. 

Wanted to be curled up on the couch with Roy while he read and Roy worked on his laptop.

Wanted to spend his winter break forgetting about everything except for the sound of Lian’s laughter and the softness of Roy’s hair.

Wanted to forget everything and everyone—the whole world—and just be with them.

You must be delusional if you think someone will want you for anything other than your money, Jay.

Lian’s still frowning at him and Jason feels the guilt building in his stomach. 

Because by avoiding Roy, Jason’s avoided Lian too. 

When Roy suggested their ill-fated fake dating scheme, Jason had honestly thought he and Lian wouldn’t see each other much. Jason thought that he and Roy wouldn’t have to involve her at all really, but then they had come into the bookstore and suddenly Lian wanted him around all the time. 

Are you coming over for dinner tonight, Jayjay?

After their bookstore dinner Roy started inviting Jason over to dinner—a lot. 

Roy said it was Lian who was insisting but Jason hadn’t believed him. So one night while Roy ran to the store Jason worked up the courage to ask Lian what she thought about him being around.

I like it when you’re here Jayjay. Daddy’s happy when you’re here.

Jason hadn’t expected that response—though he desperately wanted it to be true. The idea that he made Roy happy made Jason happy.

It terrified him too.

Because Jason and Roy were adults but Lian was just a little seven year old girl. 

And when they break up, Lian’s the one who will be hurt the most.

That's what's worried Roy the most—why he's never dated since Jade brought Lian to him. 

He doesn't want to break her heart if someone leaves.

Jason’s hoped for a while now that When has turned into an If for him and Roy, but after their fight Jason isn’t holding out much hope.

He’s pretty sure the breakup’s already happened and that Roy is just waiting for the Library Benefit to be over so he can make it official.

As if delaying the inevitable will somehow hurt Lian less.

Jason had said everything he needed to to kill whatever had been growing between him and Roy.

You’re just my stupid fake boyfriend Roy! You don’t need to pretend that you actually care about what happened between me and my shitty ex!

Jason regretted the words as soon as he said them, but Roy hadn't listened when he’d tried to take them back. 

Tried to explain.

Funny, it seemed to me like we both stopped pretending a long time ago. 

Roy that’s not—I didn’t—

Guess I was wrong.

That had caught him off guard.

Knowing that he wasn’t the only one who stopped pretending.

But he couldn’t take back the words he’d just said and as he fumbled for the words he needed to fix everything Roy’s phone had rung. 

He was out the door before Jason could stop him.

Jason spent the rest of the day wandering his apartment, doing dishes, working out and washing the same load of laundry five times without realizing it.

Because while he did all those things all Jason could think about was Roy.

And Ryan. 

No matter how hard he tries, Jason still thinks about Ryan.

Don’t be like that baby. It’s good to try new things.

Roy’s not Ryan—could never be Ryan—but still

Jason worries.

I promise you’ll like it.

He had liked being with Ryan when they were together, but it felt like he could finally breathe again when he left.

Jason worries that if he and Roy ever turn their fake relationship into a real one that breathing will become harder again. 

It’s already getting harder. 

And he doesn’t know how to explain that. How to explain wanting a relationship and not wanting one at the same time.

Jason’s never been able to put it into words—not ones people understand. But maybe Roy would. He understood before.

Does that make sense?

It does.

Even if Roy understood though, Jason doubts that he’d give him another chance.

“If things were okay you would have kissed like you always do.”

Lian’s voice brings Jason out of his head and he looks back up at her.

She’s giving him a look–one he’s never seen before and that quite frankly, Jason wasn’t even aware she could make.

He stares at her, dumbfounded for a moment.

For having just turned seven a few months back Lian is very perceptive for her age.

“I know.”

Lian’s still looking at Jason like he’s an idiot, and Jason’s starting to agree with her. He can’t remember the last time he didn’t kiss Roy Hello or, Goodbye—whether or not someone else was around.

Until this morning at least.

Jason hadn’t even been sure that Roy would bring Lian over today.

They’d made these plans before the fight.

Before Roy had told Jason’s family about Ryan attending the benefit.

Before Jason told Roy the reason why he didn’t want them there. 

The last thing I need is daddy swooping in to save the day—again.

Before Roy’s confession and Jason’s fuck up.

When the intercom buzzed and Jason saw Roy and Lian standing outside the building's main door, he’d buzzed them in without a second thought and then scrambled to brush his hair and teeth so he could try and pretend to be less of a wreck than he really is.

Roy was all smiles when Jason opened the door. If he noticed anything off about Jason he hadn’t said anything–just thanked Jason for watching Lian and handing him a bag of new cookie cutters Lian had picked out at the store on their way here.

I’ll see you two in a few hours—don’t eat all the cookies before I’m back.

Jason had smiled awkwardly as Roy looked back at them from the front door for a moment. He could feel Lian looking between them, frowning and confused.

“Jayjay… are you and daddy going to break up?”

That startles Jason, bringing him back to the present and out of his head.

He keeps drifting off it seems, going somewhere away from Lian. 

Away from himself.

Jason shakes his head a little, trying to come back and starts talking before he can think about what he’ll say, worried that Lian will see hesitation as a lie.

“No Sugar. We’re not going to break up. Like I said—it was just a fight. Adults fight all the time but that doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.”

Jason winces. He doesn’t lie to kids as a rule. And he just lied to Lian. Like everything else he’s said this week, Jason can’t take it back. 

Fucked up again, Todd.

So instead he ignores it like everything else.

Ignores the voice in his head that tells him fake couples can’t break up.

Ignores the way his heart sped up when he said the word Love .

Roy may have confessed to not pretending but he certainly didn’t say anything about Love.  

Jason’s not even sure if it’s love. 

He thought he’d loved Ryan and this feels so different from that.

Even in the confusion and worry it still feels safe.

Jason had never felt safe with Ryan.

Don’t be shy, baby.

Lian’s still frowning at him and so Jason does his best to smile and make his voice sound light when he says:

“Besides, maybe we didn’t want to have our first fight make-up kiss in front of you. Did you think of that?”

Jason suppresses a laugh as Lian genuinely thinks about that, before nodding her head once and smiling.

“Make sure daddy tells you when he’s coming back and I’ll go take a nap.” She winks as she says Nap and Jason wonders what Dick has been teaching her since their ice skating trip last week.

The timer on Jason’s phone goes off then, and Lian jumps up before Jason can stop her, yelling Cookies! as she races into the kitchen.

“Hold on Sugar! They might not be done yet!”

Jason chases after her, hoping he gets to the oven before she does.

Hoping that he can stay grounded long enough to frost cookies and see Roy for what might probably be the last time.

*     *     *

By noon the sugar cookies are cooling on the kitchen island and Lian and Jason sit in front of the TV, drinking hot coco and watching Home Alone.

Lian sits entranced, no doubt imagining the chaos she could cause if something like this ever happened to her.

As if Roy would ever forget her anywhere.

Jason meanwhile sips his coco and tries not to think about anything at all.

Because since his and Lian’s talk earlier all Jason can think about is Ryan and what seeing him again will be like and about Bruce and what he’s going to do when he sees the paintings how he’s fucked up with Roy and might not ever be able to make it right because even though he’s not 15 anymore even though he still feels like that 15 year old kid who couldn’t talk about his feelings because no one else seems to feel the same things he does and why can’t he just be normal like everyone else so Roy doesn’t—

“Jayjay, your phone is ringing.” 

Lian’s holding his phone out to him and Jason glances at the screen before shaking his head, trying to clear the thoughts away.

He doesn’t want to talk to Dick, not right now. 

But he doesn’t want Dick to break in either.

“Thanks Sugar.”

Jason sets his mug down and gently takes the phone from Lain, answering it before it can go to voicemail.

“Hey Dick what’s—”

“What color is your suit?”

Jason frowns, not understanding the question, but answers anyways.

“Grey. Why?”

Dick gives an exasperated sigh and Jason groans at his next words.

“Well it’s not black so I guess that’s something.”

Jason rolls his eyes, “Aren’t most of your suits black, Dickie?”

Another sigh. Jason can picture Dick pinching the bridge of his nose.

“That’s not the point. The point is Roy and I are at the tailor and I need to know what color your suit is so I can get Roy a tie and pocket square that match.”

Oh my god Dick—we’re not going to fucking prom.

Jason’s heart jumps at the sound of Roy’s laugh.

“I never went to prom.”

Jumps at the knowledge that his hopes about Roy still attending the benefit aren’t unfounded.

“Roy—Jason says he never went to prom.”

Jason cringes. “Dick—I didn’t—why would you tell him that?”

“Why would you say that if you didn’t want Roy to know?”

Sighing, Jason pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath, willing himself to not strangle Dick the next time they see each other.

The press is going to have a field day as it is without Jason murdering his brother.

“Are you with the usual guy—Theodore?”

“I’m pretty sure Alfred would kill us if we went anywhere else other than the family tailor.”

Don’t give me that look, Grayson. I’m not family—Alfred can’t kill me cause I’m not family—

“Yet. You’re not family, Yet.”

Jason wonders if Roy’s face is flushed too.

“And you must want to be family because you still came to good old Theodore so now you and Jason get to match like you’re going to prom.”

From the other end of the line Jason can hear Roy laugh and he can’t help but smile.

“I got my tie and shit from Theodore too—obviously. He’ll know which ones but if they look bad with Roy’s suit then—”

“Don’t worry Littlewing. I’ll make sure Roy looks good for your big date.”

Another laugh from Roy.

Yes cause you’ve always had great taste in fashion Dickie Boy.

“Fuck you Harper. At least I don’t go everywhere wearing a trucker hat.”

Lucky for me Jaybird loves my hat and his opinion matters more than yours.

Jason bites his lip, fighting back a smile.

“You’re not going to wear it to the benefit though… right?”

A beat of silence.

“Oh my god Roy were you going to—Jason you can watch Lian a bit longer, right? There’s a salon down the street and—”

I don’t need to go to a salon! And I wasn’t—

The line goes dead then and Jason sends Dick a quick text before he can talk himself out of sending it.

Don’t you dare cut his hair Dickface

30 minutes later a text comes through, attached to a picture of Roy and Dick standing outside a salon.

Roy’s frowning—or trying to at least—while Dick tries to steal his hat.

No promises LW

Jason smiles, saves the photo to his phone and then pockets it as he turns back to Lian.

“We better make more cookies. Your uncle Dickie is making your dad get a haircut.”

Lian’s eyes go comically wide.

“Oh Shit.”

*     *     *

Jason and Lian are munching on freshly frosted sugar cookies when Roy and Dick walk through the front door. 

He’s not surprised that he didn’t have to buzz them in. Dick hasn’t broken in through one of the windows in a while so Jason suspected he had Babs or Tim make copies of his keys.

“Pretty sure it’s illegal to have your baby brother make copies of your other brother’s keys without their consent Dickie.”

Dick laughs, rolling his eyes. “If you checked in with us more often maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to check on you all the time.”

“I text at least one of you every day and come to brunch almost every week. How is that not enough?”

Jason knows why they all check up on him. Why they all worry when he doesn’t call or text.

He also knows that it’s more than enough.

They all know it is—but guilt is a funny thing.

You’re mine, Jay. And I don’t like sharing.

Being overprotective now won’t change the past.

I like having you all to myself.

And it won’t heal old wounds. 

You have me now, Jay. You don’t need them anymore.

But it’s a place to start from.

“Oh it is,” Dick says with a smile, “we’re just being good siblings and annoying you is a key part of that job.”

Jason huffs while Dick, Roy and Lian all laugh.

“Daddy come look at the cookies Jayjay and I made!”

Lian shows Roy and Dick the cookies they made that afternoon and they compliment her on her excellent frosting skills. 

She keeps eyeing Jason and Roy though, clearly waiting for them to kiss.

Jason braces himself for her inevitable question when Dick asks if she’s ready to go home.

Jason feels himself deflate a little. He’d been hoping to get a few minutes alone with Roy so they could talk.

Even if just to ask if Roy really was still coming to the benefit.

“Uncle Dick is going to take you home Sweetie, Jason and I need to talk about a few things.”

Lian’s face lights up as Jason feels his stomach twist into knots.

Because that’s what he wants—to talk to Roy. But We need to talk conversations never go well—as far as Jason knows at least.

Jason boxes up most of the cookies they made and hands them over to Dick who gives them a wink as he and Lian walk out the door.

The silence they leave behind is deafening.

They stand in the kitchen awkwardly, both staring at the door and refusing to look at each other.

Jason feels himself tensing up, like his body’s getting ready for a fight.

He knows Roy doesn’t want to fight.

Jason doesn’t want to fight either.

But he feels like glass. Sharp and brittle and broken.

His eyes are starting to shake, and he has to squeeze them shut to get them to stop.

They don’t.

Jason can hear Roy saying something—but the words sound far away.

Far away and under water and then there’s a warm hand on his shoulder and one on his waist and Jason feels himself being led somewhere.

He’s not sure where he’s going or if he should go but he can’t stop it either and suddenly the warmth is gone and there’s something cold on his neck.

The warm hand is on his knee now, and the world starts to come back into focus.

The ringing in his ears and the shaking in his eyes stops and Roy’s voice comes up out of the water and gets closer.

Clearer.

“You’re okay, Jaybird. You’re safe. Just breathe and relax.”

Jason takes a deep breath and lets it out.

“Good. Can you hear me, Jaybird?”

A small nod.

“Where are you?”

Just lie there, Jay. That’s all you have to do.

Jason shakes his head, trying to clear the memory away.

“You don’t know?”

I’m almost done baby. Then you can move.

“No.”

There’s something on his neck again—cold, like before—and it shocks Jason.

Brings him fully back to the room—to the apartment.

To Roy who’s sitting on the couch next to him, one hand on his knee and the other holding the ice pack on his neck.

There’s another one on the floor in front of Jason.

Jason doesn’t have to touch it to know it’s thawed out.

“Fuck.”

It’s been a long time since Jason’s done this.

After the Joker, once he was back at the Manor and healing, Jason used to drift.

Used to wake up in the morning and blink and suddenly it was night.

Leslie Thompkins told Bruce he needed to see a therapist.

Roy Harper was the reason he stuck with it though.

Jason had been going but both he and Bruce agreed that it didn’t seem to be helping.

And then one day shortly after Roy arrived that summer to visit Dick, Jason had started to drift.

He and Roy had been in the library. Roy was trying to keep busy and Jason needed to find a new book to read.

Jason doesn’t remember much. Just one minute Roy was putting books back that Jason had pulled out but didn’t want, and the next he was on one of the couches, an ice pack on his neck and Roy Harper explaining Shock to Bruce Wayne. 

Dinah talks a lot, sometimes I listen.

It’s been a long time since Jason’s needed an ice pack.

“Fuck.”

Roy’s thumb is brushing back and forth over Jason’s knee and Jason wants him to stop.

Prays that he won’t.

Just get your shit together before tonight, Jay.

The icepack on his neck has thawed out and Roy removes it, setting it on the floor with the other. 

The hand on his knee doesn’t move though.

“Do you need another one?”

Jason pulls in another deep breath before letting it out and shaking his head.

“I’m okay.”

He’s very much not and they both know it.

Jason also doesn’t want to talk about it.

“What did you want to talk about?”

Roy doesn’t say anything for a long moment–long enough that Jason knows he won’t be able to change the subject.

“Doesn’t matter. Are you okay?”

Jason shakes his head, finally opening his eyes to look at Roy.

“Apparently not. But I don’t want to talk about it either.”

Roy frowns at that, taking his hat off and running a hand through his hair.

It’s shorter than before, but only a little. Enough that Jason shouldn’t notice but does. It’s shinier too and somehow looks even softer than it did this morning.

Jason wants to touch it. Wants to run his hands through it.

Wants to pull Roy close and kiss him till they're both dizzy.

“If you don’t want to talk then you should leave.”

Hurt flashes across Roy’s face but Jason blinks and suddenly it’s concern.

Blinks again and it’s heartbreak.

“I don’t think you should be alone right now, Jaybird.”

Jason scoffs, standing from the couch. The watering can he set down earlier is still there and Jason grabs it now, poking around the plants to figure out which still need to be watered.

He can feel Roy watching him. Hears him sigh and get up from the couch.

Roy moves around the apartment. Jason hears the freezer open and close. Hears bags rustling. Roy must be getting ready to leave.

Jason’s not sure he can actually watch Roy leave, but he needs to pretend that he’s fine, so when his watering can runs dry, Jason turns and heads for the kitchen to get more water.

He’s not sure he needs it and almost as soon as he turns around it’s forgotten.

Roy’s standing a few feet in front of him, holding onto a plant.

So what I’m hearing is instead of sending flowers when we fight, I should send a houseplant instead

“What’s that?”

A small smile breaks across Roy’s face as he steps closer to Jason.

“You’re the plant parent, you tell me.”

We’re never going to fight

It’s not a particularly rare plant, or one that would cost a lot of money. But it’s not one Jason has either, and he wonders if Roy knew that somehow.

“Snow Queen Pothos.”

Roy’s close now—the plant being the only thing that separates them—and he holds it out to Jason.

Jason’s just not sure if Roy’s asking for forgiveness, or if he’s saying goodbye.

“I bought a pot too but Dick’s little side trip to the salon meant I didn’t have time to—”

Whatever Roy was going to say is lost between them, Jason taking the plant so it’s no longer in the way.

So he can kiss Roy.

Because if Roy were going to leave he might buy Jason a plant, but he wouldn’t go to the trouble of getting a pot for it—or planting it.

There’s a voice inside his head telling Jason he’s being illogical but he doesn’t listen. Kissing Roy is more important.

Roy tenses at first, and Jason starts to think that he got it wrong—that his hopes were foolish and the voice is right—but then Roy’s arms wrap around his waist and pull him closer.

Jason drops the watering can then, and they break apart, startled—with wide eyes and wide smiles. 

“I take it I’m forgiven then?”

It’s too cheesy, even for Jason, but he can’t stop himself from saying it either.

“There’s nothing to forgive.”

Roy laughs at that, before pulling Jason close again, their foreheads touching.

They stay like that for a long moment, but Jason finally pulls away, looking down at the plant he’s still holding.

“I better go set this down—I don’t want to drop my first fight make up plant.”

Roy chuckles and follows Jason into the kitchen.

“Hopefully it’ll be your last fight make up plant though.”

Jason frowns at that. He doesn’t want to fight with Roy—has hated the last week—but the only way they won’t end up fighting is if they’re not together.

“What if I don’t want it to be the last one?”

Roy’s smile falls a bit, confusion in his eyes.

“So you… like fighting?”

Jason huffs, deciding that the plant needs some water.

Trying to buy himself some time to figure out what he needs to say.

What he wants to say.

“No. I don’t like fighting. But if we fight now and then that means—that means…”

Jason curses, setting the plant in the sink to drain and gripping the edge of the counter.

He feels Roy standing behind him, tensing when Roy’s hands rest on his hips.

“I want it to be your last because I don’t like fighting either.”

Jason gives a stiff nod, knowing what’s coming next.

“But only people in fake relationships don’t fight. And we had a fight so this must not be all that fake.”

Not what Jason was expecting.

At all.

“Oh.”

Roy’s hands tighten on Jason’s hips. But not to hold him in place.

To support him.

To hold him steady.

“I’ve wanted this to be real for a while, Jaybird. I thought maybe—I hoped that you did too.”

Jason nods a little, and tries to tell Roy Yes. Tries to tell him that he wants this to be real too.

But it’s so much harder to say what you want when there’s still so much doubt.

Not with them toeing around a subject Jason knows they can't avoid anymore. He knows that Roy hasn't wanted to pry, but they can't avoid it forever if they're really—if they're really going to be together.

“What if it’s not enough? What if…”

What if I’m not enough?

Roy leans over and rests his chin on Jason’s shoulder.

“What wouldn’t be enough?”

Me.

“This. What we–what if this is all we have?”

Come on, Jay. Don’t be such a prude.

Roy’s quiet for a long moment, and Jason can feel him hesitate before finally speaking. Can feel Roy biting his lip and carefully choosing the words he needs to say next.

“Do you mean if we don’t have sex, Jason?”

At least you were good in bed, Jay. 

Jason swallows and nods.

That’s the only thing you’re good for apparently.

Roy steps back, but only enough so he can coax Jason to turn around.

And Jason does, hiding his fears behind a mask of indifference.

“I don’t know.”

Jason feels his heart sink, and nods.

One of Roy’s hands moves up and brushes a strand of hair away from Jason’s face.

“I’ve never been with someone who didn’t enjoy sex as much as I did. And I’m not going to lie, I think about you all the time—”

Jason feels his ears heat up, his heart starting to race.

“But I’m never going to want to have sex with you, if it’s not something you want just as much. And you have to want it, Jason. But you have to want it for you—not for me.”

Don’t act like you don’t want it Jay. We both know you do.

Jason nods, not trusting his voice.

“So I don’t know how this will work—if this will work—but I do know that I want to try.”

Roy’s hands are on his shoulders now and Jason can feel the ringing in his ears getting louder.

He doesn’t want to deal with it right now.

With any of it.

Not with the memories of Ryan.

Or trying to explain how he wants to have sex with Roy and doesn’t at the same time.

Doesn’t want to deal with the concern growing in Roy’s eyes either.

Jason shakes his head a little, trying to clear the noise away.

“I want this to be real too.”

Roy’s eyes widen in surprise as Jason kisses him, his hands hesitating as they move from Jason’s shoulders to his back. 

Jason feels Roy pulling at his shirt, feels him pull away from Jason.

The concern is still in Roy’s eyes but the ringing in Jason’s ears is growing quieter.

“Real couples kiss to make up after a fight, right?”

Roy nods slowly, trying to read between the lines that Jason’s giving him.

“Then kiss me.”

Jason doesn’t wait for an answer, pulling Roy back to him. Roy still hesitates, but then Jason tangles his hands in Roy’s hair and Roy makes a sound Jason’s never heard before. 

It makes him shiver and when Roy leads him stumbling to the couch, Jason follows without hesitation.

They trip over the watering can, collapsing onto the cushions with a laugh.

Jason hovers over Roy, the redhead smiling at him before pulling him down for another kiss.

And Jason stops thinking. 

Stops thinking about Ryan and all the things he’s been remembering ever since Roy came into his life. 

Stops thinking about his doubts and fears.

Stops thinking about everything except for Roy, and how safe he feels in his arms right now.

How loved.

/ / /

Chapter Text

Chapter 8: A Rake and A Gentleman

/ / /

Roy huffs as he unties his tie for the tenth time. 

He knows how to tie a tie. 

Ollie taught Roy a lot of things before he turned 15—some that he probably shouldn’t have—and tying a tie was definitely one of them.

“Okay I know I’ve been going overboard on the prom jokes.”

Dick chuckles, putting his jacket on.

“But you know you didn’t actually have to get Littlewing a boutonnière, right?”

Roy rolls his eyes, glancing at the box sitting on the dresser nearby.

“I know, but I thought it’d be nice.”

Dick looks at Roy like he’s the most adorable thing he’s ever seen and Roy feels his ears grow hot.

“He probably won’t even wear it,” Roy mutters as he attempts the knot for his tie again.

Now Dick’s looking at him like Roy’s the most adorable idiot he’s ever seen. 

“Oh, he’s going to wear it.”

Roy huffs again, undoing his tie again.

Twelfth time’s the charm, Harper.

How he and Jason got roped into getting ready at the Manor for the benefit is beyond him. 

Something about Alfred wanting photos and wouldn’t it just be easier with Lian and the gardens are lovely this time of year I assure you Mister Harper.

It’s December and there’s not even snow on the ground.

But here they are, staying in a guest room with Lian down the hall. Both he and Jason had blushed when they realized they’d be sharing the same room. 

The same bed.

Roy’s not opposed to the idea—far from it—but he doesn’t want to make Jason uncomfortable or make him feel like he has to do anything he doesn’t want.

It’s only been a few days since they decided to give a real relationship a go and Roy knows Jason’s not ready for anything more right now.

Maybe ever.

Roy frowns at the thought, pushing it away. He needs to focus on supporting Jason tonight, not relationship what ifs, and that starts by getting his stupid tie to cooperate. 

Jason probably would have got it right the first time.

Roy frowns at himself in the mirror and wonders if Jason’s having any trouble with his tie. 

Wonders if Jason’s just as nervous as he is. 

They may have agreed to get ready for the benefit at the Manor but to make matters even more ridiculous, Dick and the rest of the Bats wouldn’t let Roy and Jason get ready together—Jason got to stay in their room and get ready, but Dick had all but kidnapped Roy, dragging him to another wing of the house to get ready. 

You’d think they were getting married and not going to a benefit art auction for the public library. 

Lian seems to be the only one who enjoys this arrangement, making a game of running between him and Jason, passing messages.

“Daddy!”

Speak of the devil.

“Jayjay says he’s ready!”

Lian’s smile is bright and wide and so happy it makes Roy’s heart break. 

But only a little. 

Because Lian should have always been this happy. 

I’m happy when you’re happy daddy. And Jayjay makes you happy!

It’s not that Roy was unhappy before. But he’s happier now than he’s been in a long time.

Happier since he and Jason finally agreed to stop pretending. 

I want this to be real too.

The last couple of days have been nice.

The best, really.

Jason’s spent most of the time at Roy’s apartment with him and Lian. Curled up on the couch reading or baking cookies with Lian out in the kitchen.

Lian can’t stop smiling, can’t stop laughing, somehow knowing that things are different now.

And things are different. 

Roy doesn’t hesitate to touch Jason now—to pull him closer when they’re watching a movie or to rest his chin on Jason’s shoulder while he cooks.

Jason laughs more too.

It’s quiet though—like he can’t quite believe that this is happening.

Roy’s still shocked it’s happening too. 

He keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Roy worries it’s going to drop tonight.

Because Jason won’t talk about it. 

Won’t talk about Ryan. 

And Roy’s not going to push—he’s never going to push—but that day when Jason watched Lian…

Jason had scared the shit out of him.

He’s still not even sure what happened—why Jason had suddenly gone pale, eyes screwed shut, hands shaking.

Roy was almost ready to call Dick when Jason started responding to him.

That’s good. Just breathe.

But even when Roy thought Jason was back he was still trapped somewhere else.

Do you know where you are?

And now Roy doesn’t know what worries him more: Jason refusing to talk about what had happened that day, or the idea that Jason can’t talk about it.

It’s only been a few days, and Roy doesn’t want to push—he wants to stay in the little bubble he, Jason and Lian have found themselves in.

But Roy worries about what will happen if it bursts.

When it bursts.

And as much as Roy wants to help Jason, wants to help Jason heal and move on, he almost wishes that their bubble would pop for a reason other than Ryan.

And it might. 

But it could also burst tonight. 

Ryan’s persuasive. Good at getting what he wants.

Roy straightens his tie, having finally gotten it right, and grabs the boutonnière off of the dresser.

“Well, we better not keep him waiting, right sweetheart?”

Lian nods her head vigorously and grabs Roy’s hand, pulling him out the door.

Dick had dragged him into a dressing room on the first floor, just off to the side of the main entrance hall. 

In retrospect, this should have been Roy’s first clue that the Bats were up to something.

Lian drags Roy out into the main hall, tells him to stand in a Very specific spot, and then runs away to hide behind a statue as if she’s not meant to be here.

Roy turns to Dick, to give him a What the Fuck is going on? look. Dick just gives him a small shrug, and a You’ll see, smile pointing to the top of the stairs.

Roy looks.

There’s nothing there but he can hear voices coming towards the second story landing.

“I swear to god if you guys make us take a limo tonight I’m going to kill myself and then you.”

“-tt-”

“Hard to kill us if you’re already dead, Jason.”

Roy starts to smile, picturing the scowl on Jason’s face at Tim’s logic, but then they step into view, or rather, Jason does, and Roy forgets why he started to smile in the first place. 

Jason’s standing at the top of the landing, pulling at the collar of his suit like it’s too tight—like he’s nervous. 

Roy can’t imagine what he has to be nervous about.

Jason catches sight of Roy then, standing at the bottom of the stairs, holding a boutonnière like it’s fucking prom. 

Like a fucking idiot.

And after a moment Jason smiles at him, his ears turning a light shade of pink, and starts descending the stairs.

It’s a long fucking staircase which Roy’s usually annoyed by but today is thankful for. 

Cause now he gets to look. 

When Dick had tagged along with Roy to get his suit a few days ago and insisted that he and Jason needed to compliment each other tonight Roy had rolled his eyes at the thought.

And then Theodore, the tailor, had brought out a tie and pocket square that supposedly Jason had selected to go with his own suit. 

Roy had raised an eyebrow at the gem tone purple, not quite believing that Jason had actually picked it out. But it went well with his own black suit and if wearing them got Dick to calm down then Roy was happy to. 

The tie and pocket square went well with Jason’s suit too.

It’s dark gray with subtle black pin striping that Roy’s sure matches the color of the shirt Jason’s wearing.

Jason’s wearing his glasses too. 

Before Jason, Roy never thought glasses could make a person look even hotter but Jason’s proven that thought wrong every single time he puts the pair on. 

Which has been frequently as of late, Roy vaguely realizes.

The glasses certainly complete the look Jason is going for tonight. He looks very put together in a way Roy imagines makes himself look like something the cat dragged in.

Roy’s never been comfortable in suits. 

He hates wearing ties and uncomfortable shoes. Hates the way people always seem to judge him for his long hair.

From the look Jason’s giving him Roy guesses he must not look too bad though. 

Jason reaches the bottom of the stairs, stopping just in front of Roy.

“Hi.”

It takes Roy a moment to find his voice, stuttering out a quiet Hello .

Jason quirks an eyebrow at the box Roy’s holding. “That for me?”

Roy feels his face flush and nods nervously.

“You said you never went to prom and I thought—I know it’s stupid. You don’t have to wear it. I just—”

Jason chuckles and Roy’s eyes widen in surprise when he pulls Roy in for a quick kiss.

“Of course I’m going to wear it. It’s perfect.”

Jason’s smiling softly at him and it makes Roy weak in the knees. He nods, unable to make his voice work, and carefully takes the boutonniere out of the box.

It’s a simple white rose with a bit of baby’s breath.

After seeing the color of Jason’s—their tie and pocket square, Roy had thought white would be best.

After it’s pinned in place Roy’s hands linger on Jason.

He can feel Jason’s heart racing.

“Now kiss!”

Roy groans and Jason chuckles while the rest of his family laughs at Lian and her frustration.

Roy turns his head to look at his daughter.

“We already kissed Lian—”

“Again!”

Another round of laughter quickly devolves into complaints about public displays of affection from Damian, wistful sighing from Tim (which would be weirder if the kid hadn’t just gotten a boyfriend) and jokes from Dick.

See Littewing, teenage dreams do come true!

Jason flips Dick off for that which earns him a reproachful look from Alfred and a confused look from Bruce.

“You had a crush on Roy as a teenager, Jaylad?”

This causes more laughs and a groan from Jason.

“Don’t worry Jaybird,” Roy kisses Jason quickly before continuing, “I thought you were pretty cute with your black eyes and wanting me to read to you all the time.”

Jason huffs and pushes Roy away playfully.

“Oh go fuck yourself Harper.”

There’s a comeback on the tip of Roy’s tongue but Alfred steals the moment by holding up his camera.

“Thank you Master Jason for giving me another five minutes for photos.”

Roy snorts while Jason tries not to smile.

Only Alfred Pennyworth would punish foul language with photos.

/ / /

The gardens really are lovely like Alfred says and it even starts snowing lightly. 

Roy finds that he doesn’t hate the snow as much when he gets to watch it fall into Jason’s messy curls.

Alfred takes enough photos to have documented two proms and they even manage to get Lian in a few of them.

Dick takes a couple with his phone that he texts to Roy so he won’t have to wait for Alfred to get the film developed. 

They look good together, the three of them.

Roy manages to get away from Jason and Lian long enough so that there’s a few photos of just the two of them. Of Lian perched on Jason’s hip while they make silly faces at each other.

Ollie and Dinah are going to drain his phone’s battery with text messages but Roy sends the photos anyway, too happy to care.

Once Alfred’s allotted photo time is up Roy and Jason follow Dick down to the garage and Jason sighs in relief when Dick grabs the keys to a fancy SUV.

The drive to Gotham’s Central Library takes about 40 minutes. Dick keeps up a steady stream of conversation but the closer they get to the library the quieter Jason becomes. 

They sit in the backseat, holding hands.

Jason smiles down at their hands from time to time, and Roy squeezes it lightly when he does.

He knows tonight is going to be hard for Jason. 

Harder because Dick will be there.

Dick is the only other Wayne who will be in attendance tonight, Roy having gone to Bruce personally, asking him and the rest of the bats not to come.

It hadn’t been the easiest conversation Roy’s ever had. 

Not the hardest either though. 

How do you explain to your (then) fake boyfriend’s dad that he can’t come to a benefit because his son doesn’t want him to ruin his ex’s chances at making it in the art world?

I have enough of my own failures to worry about–I don’t need his too.

Of all the people whose life Bruce Wayne could ruin, Ryan Wickham deserves it the most. And Bruce has enough money and influence to do it too.

He loves his son though.

“You two love birds ready? We’re almost there.”

Roy squeezes Jason’s hand again, smiling at him when Dick pulls the car up to the valet.

Dick smiles nervously at them in the rearview mirror, and Roy feels the tension in Jason begin to build and solidify into something he knows is meant to keep him together tonight.

He steps out of the car first, ignoring the press of the cameras and the shouted questions, turning back to extend his hand to Jason.

Jason huffs in mock annoyance but takes Roy’s hand, smiling at him as he stands from the car.

Roy hadn’t expected this much press to be at a benefit for the city library but he learns pretty quickly why they’re all here. 

Any comments on the paintings of you Mr. Todd-Wayne?

Did you know they’d be part of tonight’s auction?

Jason! What’s it like being an artist’s muse?

Roy wants to punch them all. 

Wants to drag Jason back home and spend the night watching British period dramas or old action movies. 

Instead he smiles, threading his fingers in between Jason’s, and pulls him closer.

Getting inside the library takes a while. Jason and Dick both stop to give a few short interviews about the benefit. Dick talks about how reading has always been important to the Wayne family and Jason talks about his mother reading to him when he was younger.

The press isn’t interested in hearing about Catherine though.

They want to hear about Ryan.

About what Jason thinks of the paintings.

Jason gives polite responses about hoping to raise money for the library before moving on.

Eventually they get inside and Roy wonders how long they have to stay before they can leave without being impolite.

The art in tonight’s auction is all on display in the Library’s main entrance. 

Ryan’s are front and center.

Apparently you get the best spot in the room when you're the lying, cheating, con-artist ex of a Wayne.

The room doesn’t go silent when Jason spots them, but it does to quieter. The low hum of voices gossiping are hard to ignore, but what they say Roy can’t be bothered to listen to.

He’s never seen the paintings before.

Jason hasn’t either.

He was never interested in seeing how Ryan painted him, and Roy doesn’t blame Jason for not wanting to look at these.

The paintings are… fine as far as Roy can tell. 

Oliver was flashy rich, not cultured rich. Which meant Roy could tell you the difference between a ferretti yacht and a heesen yacht but had no idea who Edward Hopper was or why Ryan Wickham was being compared to him.

It’s a series of four paintings, one for each season.

Spring shows Jason reading in a library. He looks tired, worn down. Roy wonders when this one was painted. Only the year is listed and he wonders what was going on in Jason’s life to have made him look like this. To make Ryan paint him like this.

Summer shows Jason leaning against a wall, smoking a cigarette. It’s late at night and Jason’s clearly in one of Gotham’s seedier neighborhoods. Jason has his leather jacket on and Roy wonders if he could find a replacement for it. If Jason would accept one.

Fall has Jason lying in bed, his hips and legs covered by a sheet. His back to the viewer though a mirror in the background of the painting allows the viewer to see both sides of Jason. He’s asleep, or appears to be. This painting makes Roy boil with rage. 

Because Jason keeps his scars close and here they are, on display for all to see. 

Winter is the worst as far as Roy is concerned and he doesn’t let Jason look at it long. 

Winter shows Jason seated on the floor of a bathroom. Broken glass lies scattered around him. His hands and knuckles are cut up and blood drips down onto the floor. Ryan has painted it as if Jason were under a spotlight.

Roy guesses this was after a nightmare. A particularly bad one.

One where Ryan chose to paint instead of comfort his boyfriend.

Roy wants to build a bonfire and burn them.

“Well Jay, what do you think?”

Jason stiffens and Roy feels his heart begin to race with anger as Ryan Wickham steps up next to Jason.

He’s tall—taller than Roy expected but still an inch or two shorter than Jason—with wavy chocolate colored hair and green eyes.

He’s wearing a black and white suit that’s definitely nicer than an art student could afford.

Roy wonders if Ryan took it when he left Jason.

Wrapping his arm around Jason tighter, Roy pulls him closer, trying to keep Ryan away. 

Jason gives Ryan a polite smile, his voice calm and even. 

“I think the money they raise will buy a lot of books.”

Ryan smirks at that and points to the paintings.

“Oh they did. Or rather, I donated part of the sale to the library as an apology for pulling the paintings out of the auction.”

Roy frowns and feels Dick come up next to him.

“You sold them already?” Dick sounds mildly irritated to anyone except those who know him.

It’s been a while since Roy heard Dick this angry. 

Ryan smiles at Dick, looking him up and down before answering his question. 

“Had a buyer offer me more than they’re reasonably worth. Not as much as they would have raised tonight, but I wouldn’t have gotten to keep a penny then.”

Dick eyes the red dots on the cards next to each painting before grabbing his phone out of his pocket and walking away. 

To call Bruce no doubt. 

Ryan smirks, watching Dick leave. Jason tugs on Roy’s hand pulling him in the opposite direction when Ryan opens his stupid mouth again. 

“Guess I still got my pay day after all, thanks to you Jay.”

Jason keeps walking, ignoring the comment. 

*     *     *

Roy spends most of the evening as arm candy, following Jason around as he talks to various library and city officials. 

Jason avoids the other Gotham elite as best he can though. 

Most have only ever viewed him as something to gossip about. 

His adoption. 

His mother. 

His kidnapping. 

Over the years, Jason’s learned to keep out of the public eye, and for the most part, the press has been happy to let him be the reclusive Wayne Heir . 

Ryan changed all that.

Their whirlwind romance and engagement brought Jason back into the public eye.

As did their break up. 

Roy hates that he and Ryan have something in common. 

Bringing Jason into the spotlight.       

Pictures of their first date brought Jason back into the spotlight this time.

And maybe that would have happened with anyone Jason decided to date, but knowing that he has something in common with Ryan Wickham makes Roy want to vomit.

They’re standing near the bar, sipping sparkling water finally finding a moment to themselves. 

Almost.

The kid casually walking up to them now is probably just some intern, hoping to impress their boss by getting a quote from Jason. 

The quote Jason gives isn’t all that remarkable in terms of journalism. But the kid’s smiling like the cat who ate the canary when they leave and Roy finds himself in awe over the kindness Jason showed them. 

Especially tonight. 

“The next time someone asks me what it’s like to be an artist’s muse, I’m going to scream.”

Jason laughs as he says it, but it sounds tired and weary. 

Roy smiles, and leans closer to Jason so he won’t be overheard when he says:

“We can always head back to the Manor, Jaybird. I’m sure I could make you scream.”

Roy winces internally as he says it. Sex isn’t something he should be joking about. 

Not right now. 

Not ever maybe. 

But it’s a habit Roy’s probably never going to break. 

He glances up at Jason, surprised by the small smile he sees. 

When Alfred took them to their room earlier that day he had made a point about giving them a room on the opposite side of the house from the others.

Jason’s nearly as red now as he was then. 

He lightly hits Roy’s chest, laughing quietly as he says:

“I’d like to see you try.”

Roy feels his heart skip a beat and he raises an eyebrow at the younger man. 

What if this is all we have?

Just a few days ago Jason had been worried about how sex, or the potential lack of it, would effect their relationship.

Now Roy’s heart starts to race as he watches Jason slowly, pointedly, look him up and down.

Roy swallows, his voice sounding nervous and hesitant. “Like what you see, Jaybird?”

Jason finally makes eye contact and shakes his head slightly. 

Roy feels himself deflate a little. 

“I like what I feel.”

Jason pulls Roy’s hand up, placing it gently on the boutonnière.

Placing it on his heart. 

It takes Roy a moment to understand that Jason’s not talking about their brushing shoulders or entertained hands. 

He’s talking about Them. 

Roy smiles, rubbing his thumb over the back of Jason’s hand. 

“Me too, Jason.”

*     *     *

The evening is almost over for them, if Jason’s words are to be believed. 

The auction is about to start and Jason’s moving about the room, Dick in tow, as they say goodbye to important people who in turn, try to squeeze out more Wayne money.

Roy stands in the corner, drinking sparkling water and keeping an eye on Jason. 

He’s talking to someone on the board of the library now, no doubt fielding questions about a bigger donation from the Wayne Foundation.

Dick’s with him, all smiles and clearly trying to help Jason escape.

Just when Roy decides to go help his boyfriend make an escape Ryan Wickham comes up beside him.

“Jay always cleans up nice. Especially when you tell him what to wear.”

Roy feels his hands clench, and he sets his glass down before he can break it.

“Did you pick out his suit tonight?”

Taking a deep breath, Roy gives a curt reply. 

“No.”

Ryan raises an eyebrow at him and smirks.

“You should try it sometime. Jay likes being told what to do.”

Roy doubts that very much.

His hands are balled up into fists at his side and Roy hopes that’s where they’ll stay. The press would have a field day if he broke Ryan’s nose.

Or worse. 

Jason doesn’t need that kind of attention tonight.

When Roy doesn’t respond to the comment Ryan smirks again, taking a sip of his own drink before looking back over at Jason. 

Jason’s spotted them, and even from here Roy can see the panic in his eyes.

“Fuck off,” is all Roy says before he starts to walk away.

But then Ryan’s talking again.

“Is he stringing you along too? Playing hard to get?”

Roy freezes.

“Save yourself some time and take my advice, Harper. Jay’s always been a tease. Says No when he really means Yes . Took me months to figure that out. And after I finally got him on his hands and knees—”

Roy doesn’t hear the rest.

Doesn’t hear if Wickham’s startled when he grabs him by his suit.

Doesn’t hear the crunch of his nose breaking.

Doesn’t hear the thud Wickham makes as Roy shoves him into the wall behind them.

All Roy hears is Jason’s voice.

He never made me do anything I didn’t want to do. 

I always said yes.

Ryan’s persuasive. Good at getting what he wants.

“You come anywhere near Jason again, and I’ll break more than just your fucking nose. I will make your life a living hell and you will wish you had never even heard Jason’s name. Do you understand?”

Wickham nods, hand covering his nose, which is bleeding profusely and ruining his suit.

Good.

Roy pushes him into the wall harder.

“Do. You. Understand?”

“Yes. Yes I understand you crazy motherfucker.”

Roy can feel his hand pulling back into a fist, ready to hit Wickham again when he feels someone grab his arm, pulling him away.

“Stop it Roy. You’ve made your point.”

Dick’s pulling him back and Roy fights to get him off of him.

“Christ, Grayson let me go.”

Dick doesn’t let go, shoving him towards and exit and away from prying eyes.

Prying eyes with their cell phones out.

Fuck. 

Dick shoves him into an empty hallway, shutting the door firmly behind him. 

“What the fuck was that all about, Roy?!”

Dick looks mad. Madder than Roy’s seen him in a long time. 

It’s not Roy he should be mad at though.

Jay likes being told what to do.

“Do you have any idea how this is going to look? How attacking Jason’s Ex is going to play out in the news. How it’s going to affect Jason?”

Roy stares at Dick, and all he can think is how could you not know?

“You would have done a lot worse than break his nose, if you had heard the things he was saying.”

Roy’s voice sounds empty and hollow. He notices the blood on his knuckles.

Dick stills at that. 

“What was he saying?”

Roy thinks he’s going to throw up. The words Wickham said playing over and over in his head.

After I finally got him on his hands and knees

He shakes his head.

“Roy,” Dick takes a step towards him, “What did Ryan do ?”

Jay’s always been a tease.

Roy wants to tell him. Wants to say that all his suspicions these last few months are true. Wants to scream about how Dick’s a detective and Jason’s dad is fucking Batman.

How could you not know?

How could any of you not fucking know?

The door behind them opens again, and Jason steps through, looking pale and irritated.

“What the fuck was that all about?”

He doesn’t sound angry, unlike Dick. 

Says No when he really means Yes.

Roy wonders if Jason even knows that he can be angry about this. 

Dick and Jason both stare at him, waiting for an answer. 

An answer Roy can give to Jason, but not to Dick. 

This isn’t his story to tell. 

It’s Jason’s.

“I—I need to talk to Jason. Alone.”

Jason pales a bit, realization sparking in his eyes, but he doesn’t say anything as he heads towards the exit of the building. 

Roy avoids Dick’s pointed look and tries to take Jason’s hand.

Jason brushes him off, and balls up his hand into a fist.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Roy.”

/ / /

Chapter Text

Chapter 9: Time Will Explain

/ / /

The rest of the night is a blur.

A blur of getting in the car and the streets of Gotham passing them by quick as lighting.

Of Roy trying to take his hand and Jason pulling further away.

Pulling away so far he’s afraid he’ll push the car door open.

Of staring at the handle and thinking, Why not?

It’s a horrible, ugly thought. One he’s had over the years. Fleeting, like a wisp of smoke.

No one’s going to miss you–you know that, Jay.

He blinks and they’re in the garage of the Manor.

Dick, talking in hushed tones on the phone–shooting him looks that send Jason’s head spinning.

No.

The air feels hot and thick and Jason knows he has to get out.

Get away.

Be anywhere but here, in this moment.

In this life.

He blinks again and he’s back in his room.

The old one–from before Tim moved in and he needed to make his separation from the family more tangible.

Noticeable.

It’s fine–the east wing is for you vigilantes and the west for us civilians.

He hoped his laughter would hide the loneliness.

And it did.

Sorry, Littlewing–Justice League members only.

To well.

And the loneliness grew so big that Jason felt it in every corner of the house and he could either let himself drown in it or he could leave it all behind.

So he left.

The loneliness followed him though, and he could see it out of the corners of his eyes.

Could feel it in his bones.

And just when he thought that’s all he could ever be–

I met this guy today on a B&E–no I didn’t arrest him–and I think you guys would really hit it off, Littlewing! Here’s his number. Just–Just meet him okay? We all worry about you and–

He remembers that first date. Of laughing over coffee and thinking, This could be nice.

And it was.

At first.

And then suddenly Ryan was telling him what to eat and how to dress.

You look awful in that. Go put on the suit I told you to.

He would make Jason sit for hours, drawing him over and over and never letting him do his own work for his lit classes.

You can move when I tell you to, Jay.

Then Ryan started dragging Jason to bed even when Jason wasn’t interested.

You keep telling me, No, but I just don’t believe you, Jay.

Ryan never hit Jason. Never left a mark or a bruise.

God, you’re pathetic.

And maybe it would have been easier if he had.

Maybe he would have seen all the pieces of himself that were cut away and maybe–

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe someone would have noticed and reminded Jason that those things weren’t normal.

Told him that what he was feeling wasn’t love.

Asked him if he said Yes because he loved Ryan.

Or because he was scared of him.

Are you sure you want to marry, Ryan, Jaylad? 

He can still see the moment when Ryan realized all his hard work wasn’t going to pay off.

You won’t ever see any of Jason’s money, Mr. Wickham.

That his two-year long con had gone wrong.

It’s just a piece of paper, Ryan. I don’t see what the big deal is.

Jason watched Ryan decide that if his plan was going to go up in flames, 

He might as well burn Jason too.

I wonder how much the Gotham Globe would pay me for an exclusive on you?

Or maybe I should tell daddy Wayne? I bet he could come up with a number big enough to keep me quiet.

Ryan never went to the papers or to Bruce as far as he knows but now those paintings are out there and–

His knees hit the floor.

Hard.

And he can taste the blood from where he’s biting back a scream.

Because now everyone would know.

They’d know that he’s still just a piece of trash Bruce picked up off the street.

They’ll see his scars and wonder how anyone could stand to look at him.

They’ll look at the broken boy with cuts on his hands and wonder why he hasn’t just–

“It’s okay, Jason. I’m here now. Everything’s going to be okay.”

Jason blinks, Roy’s holding him close and all he can think is:

It’s not

Because how could it, when the person that brings him the most joy reminds him of all the things he’s been trying to forget?

All of the things he never should have let happen.

“It’s okay, Jason. You’re safe. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

The laugh Jason chokes out startles them both.

“Too late,” he whispers. “I already let it happen.”

He feels Roy shake his head, his voice firm and clear and somehow so soft it makes Jason want to cry.

“None of this is your fault, Jason. Nothing–”

Jason pushes away from Roy, angry at him for lying.

“It is! Everything is my fucking fault! I let it happen–”

Roy reaches for him and Jason backs away further.

“–I let Ryan do those things! I let him–I let him–”

The words choke in his mouth and his lungs can’t get enough air but he can’t stop talking either.

“–I used to be Robin! I survived the Joker! I’m Bruce Wayne’s son and I can spot a gold-digger a mile away. I watched my father abuse my mother.”

Roy’s looking at him with an understanding that Jason can’t fathom and he shakes his head, closing his eyes and willing the image away.

“I’m bigger than Ryan–and stronger and I–I let him do those things to me. I let him–”

Rape me.

He can’t say the words.

The two little words that will change everything.

How he sees himself.

How his family sees him.

How Roy sees him.

Loves him.

He can’t breathe and the room feels too hot and small and all he can think about is the one brunch he brought Ryan to.

And the tour of the house that ended here.

Why don’t you get on the bed and we have some fun?

Jason blinks and he’s in the room Alfred made up for him and Roy.

His suit is gone–replaced by a loose, long-sleeved shirt and flannel pants.

He feels the softness of the sheets and the warmth on his back.

He feels Roy’s steady breathing and lets it calm his racing heart–

Remembering.

The walk back to the room.

Roy, asking if he wanted to change.

Yes.

If he wanted to sleep.

Yes.

If he wanted Roy to stay with him.

Please.

Don’t leave.

I’ll stay as long as you want, Jason. 

I promise.

Roy shifts slightly, his arm pulling Jason closer.

Jason lets him and thinks about how he can’t ask Roy to stay.

Because if Roy stays then that means he’ll keep remembering.

The good.

The bad.

And all the things he’s not yet ready for.

Ever maybe.

So he lets Roy hold him close, and he thinks,

Maybe loneliness would have been a kinder fate.

/ / /

Chapter Text

Ghosts of My Memories

/ / /

Nights are the worst.

When you’re left alone with nothing but your thoughts and an aching emptiness that fills your heart and drowns your soul.

Sometimes the thoughts spin like whirlpools across your mind and other times they run thick and heavy. So slow you can feel time stretching endlessly on

and on

and on

And then there are the nights when the nothing you feel becomes the nothing you think and that’s simply what you become

Nothing.

nothing 

nothing 

nothing 

Nothing but a hollow person with an empty mind and a soul that weighs you down so much you can’t believe you’ll ever move again.

A soul so heavy it feels crushing.

Smothering.

It’s not hopelessness you feel but acceptance.

Acceptance of a life you never wanted but have somehow always had and this is all you know.

You know it’ll pass–this moment when everything weighs you down and breathing comes so easy but fills you with sadness instead of life.

This is all you’ve known.

But you remember moments that are as if they were a dream.

Moments where you smiled.

And laughed.

And lived.

Moments where you enjoyed things and found pleasure in them.

Be it the turning pages of a book or the rapid beat of music, pulsing through your veins.

You have lived more than just this hollow life and yet you cannot imagine ever going back to that happier place.

Why would you want to, when you’ll only end up back here?

Yet you try sometimes.

You pick up a book and read a line.

And then you turn the page.

And start a new chapter.

But you’re never able to reach that last page.

Never able to keep the hollow feeling away long enough to know how the story ends.

You don’t need a book to tell you how your story ends though.

Alone.

Even if you’re surrounded by those who love you.

You are so alone and all the love in the world cannot change that feeling.

It tries though.

Love wraps you up and tries to keep that hollow feeling from eating you alive.

Love doesn’t understand that you died so long ago that you don’t remember a time when you lived.

You’ve always been this way.

You’ll always be this way.

Love doesn’t think so.

It lives and breaths and hopes so much that they have enough for them and for you.

You don’t know what to do with that hope.

It’s not yours.

It never was.

But love gives it to you and you tell them NO so much already you think telling them now might kill them. So you take that hope and hold it close and–

And sometimes it feels like your own.

Like you can hope to feel something more than hollow someday.

But those days come and go and are few and far between.

They’re so rare they shine like diamonds.

And yet they shatter as easily as brittle glass.

Love is there to help you pick up the pieces but the damage is done all the same.

And no matter how hard love tries it cannot fix these broken pieces they give back to you.

Cannot fix them because it's you who has to do the work and fight and claw your way out of the emptiness that’s trying so hard to consume you.

Trying so hard to kill you.

Body

Soul

It’ll take whatever it can get.

Sometimes you sit and wonder what it would be like to simply not exist.

You don’t want to die but you don’t want to be alive either.

Cause the hollowness is so hard to live with.

To die with.

It weighs you down and drags you under and most of the time you don’t even fight it.

Won’t

Can’t

Cause even in those moments where you remember how to breathe and smile and laugh–

Even then you know you’re living on borrowed time.

The hollowness that eats away at you always comes back.

Draining the life out of you until even love doesn’t know what to do.

How to help.

And what love doesn’t understand is that there is comfort in these feelings.

Because the unknown is impossible.

But this?

This half-life you lead?

You know it well and in a way you love it.

And it loves you back. 

Always has. 

Always will. 

Even when love leaves. 

Even in the dark. 

Even when—

Jason tosses down his pen, shoving the notebook away. 

He doesn’t journal. 

Doesn’t write down his thoughts for the world to see. 

For himself to see. 

Writing them down makes them real and if they’re real then Jason has to acknowledge them. 

They become unavoidable. 

Remind him of all the reasons why no one could ever—

Jason stands from the desk, grabs the notebook, and strides into the living room. 

The fireplace is cold and empty but he tosses the notebook all the same. 

Wanting to let his thoughts burn away into nothing. 

He thought it would help. 

It used to help. 

Sometimes. 

After the Joker. 

Now Jason feels worse than ever and when the notebook bounces off the fireplace and lands with a thud in front of it he feels like screaming. 

You’re Batman! How could you not know!?

Feels like crying until he finally–hopefully–feel nothing at all today.

Go back to Star Roy. I don’t want you here.

Cause feeling nothing would be better than feeling everything right now.

I look at you and all I see is him. 

His eyes are starting to shake and Jason squeezes them shut and pulls at his hair and wills the memory threatening to resurface away.

Don’t come back.

Jason blinks and he’s in bed, his phone buzzing next to his pillow. 

He doesn’t remember going back to his room.

Colored sparks light up the windows and Jason feels the loneliness inside him building. 

It’s been building ever since he told Roy to leave.

To never come back.

Jason could have been at the Manor. 

Could be playing video games with his brothers and pretending that his life isn’t falling apart. 

He stormed out Christmas morning and hasn’t been back since. 

World’s Greatest Detective and you had no idea Ryan was–  

Dick and Alfred have stopped by to check on him. 

Bruce tried but when Jason wouldn’t open the door he finally left. 

I’m sorry, Jaylad. 

After the benefit, he held it together through breakfast, but once the meal was done things deteriorated rapidly. 

You could have told us, Jason–we could have done something to help you.

Everyone said it wasn’t his fault and yet somehow still blamed him for not telling anyone. 

You’re fucking detectives!

They wanted to know what happened. 

Wanted to know how guilty they should feel. 

Dick was eating himself alive with guilt—more than he had before and that dark angry part of Jason had smirked at him and said

Good. 

Lian had heard that start of it, though Damian quickly took her away to walk Titus. 

She’d looked so sad when she walked away, glancing at him over her shoulder. 

You’re coming with us, right Jayjay?

Lian had wanted him to go to Star with her and Roy. Jason wondered whose idea that was and if it had been thought of before or after his meltdown. 

This isn’t going to work.

Freak out.

Jaybird, no please just—

Breakdown.

I can’t look at you without remembering.

Fit.

Please Jason, just come to Star with me and we can—

His phone keeps buzzing and lighting up so finally, Jason opens it. 

He has 17 new messages. 

Most are generic Happy New Years' messages as part of group texts. 

He doesn’t have any close friends but he’s close enough with a few of his coworkers to be included in things like this. 

Why would you go out with those people when you can stay home with me, Jay?

A few of the other students in his cohort have sent messages as well.

You see them all the time in class–besides I’m your boyfriend, you should be spending your time with me and not those silly book nerds.

Jason wonders if Professor Larson has told them he’s quitting.

You can come back and finish whenever you’re ready Jason.

He doesn’t see much point in writing a thesis right now. He can’t concentrate on anything. Hardly remembers to eat let alone do the reading for his classes. Better to give up now than flunk out.

The internship at the library wasn’t as easy to quit, though Jason knows they understood. 

How could they not after what happened?

Of course Mr. Wayne. I’m dreadfully sorry about all this nasty business. 

The newspapers had more than a few things to say about Ryan’s paintings, trying once again to bring up his “mysterious kidnapping” when he was 15.

Roy’s drug history got brought up of course, and the reporters in turn brought up Catherine and Jason’s inability to escape the “cycle of drugs”.

Jason hadn’t read more than the headline for most of the articles.

To numb to care about much of anything at all.

He kept it together long enough after his first breakdown at the Manor to quit his job, drop out of school and leave his internship at the library.

Anyone can sell books or enter numbers into a computer.

Or read kids a story twice a week.

No one needs him.

No one will miss him.

I hope this won’t impact the Wayne Foundations' donation….

His money, maybe. 

But not him.

The only thing worth liking about you is your pocketbook. No one’s ever going to love a scarred-up, PTSD nightmare like you, Jason.

A new message arrives, and Jason almost deletes it without reading it.

Dickie Dick Dickface:

Happy New Years Littlewing

We missed you tonight

I’ll come by tomorrow and check on you OK?

Jason would rather not have Dick come over. He feels guilty enough about the state of his apartment without having to worry about Dick attempting to clean in.

A few minutes later he’s still trying to decide how he should reply when Roy’s picture takes over the screen

Roy Harper calling…

Jason bites his lip, he shouldn’t answer. He’s told Roy repeatedly that he doesn’t want to be together anymore.

Not that they were ever together really. 

Has told him how Ryan is all he sees and hears sometimes.

How Roy deserves better than him and how–

Jason swipes across the screen.

“Hello? Jason?”

Jason nods before remembering. 

“Hi,” he whispers. 

Roy lets out a breath like he thought Jason would pick up but not—

“Hey. I uh—I wanted to wish you a happy new year.”

He sounds nervous and worried and it makes Jason sad and angry and so many other things he can’t describe. 

“Did you Dick tell you to call?”

His voice sounds hard and cold and distant in a way Jason hasn't heard since he was 16 and mad at the world.

“What? No I mean—he called me a few days ago. Told me about what happened at the Manor but I—I’m calling because I want to. I—”

Jason can picture Roy pacing around Oliver’s kitchen in Star. Or the deck. 

Or maybe his old room. 

“I miss you,” he says with a sad laugh.

Like he’s tried to not miss Jason but can’t help it.

Like he still loves Jason despite everything he now knows.

I don’t care about that Jaybird–I care about You.

And with that, all the anger in him disappears.

You deserve to be happy, Jason. 

So do you. 

“I’m sorry.”

Roy lets out a small, irritated laugh. 

“What have I told you about saying that word?”

If I ever hear you say ‘I’m sorry’ again—especially about this—I’m going to kick your ass. Okay?

“Sorry,” he says with a smile. 

There’s a long pause, and in that moment Jason lets his mind wander back over the memories of Roy he’s collected since that first night at speed dating. 

The sculpture park. 

The cafe they’d always go to. 

The way Roy felt pressed up against him when they ducked out of the rain. 

The way—

Next time you’ll take me out to dinner. 

“Jason? Are you there?”

I know you want to make this up to me, Jay.

“Jaybird? Can you hear me?”

Jason shuts his eyes tight, willing the memory away. 

He’d wanted to make Ryan a romantic dinner for Valentine’s Day. And he thought everything had been perfect. 

But Ryan had wanted to go out. What to be seen with the second most eligible Wayne heir.

And after he made Jason clean up the broken plates he told Jason how to make it up to him. 

I’ll make it up to you—I’ll go make us reservations at—

No. You can do that in the morning. 

Then what—

“I have to go.”

“Wait! Jason please—please Jaybird don’t—”

Jason ends the call, tossing his phone across the room and willing this new memory to go away. 

He hates how Ryan’s ruined this too. 

How every time he looks at Roy he sees Ryan. 

How every time Roy talks it brings up some nightmare he’s managed to forget about. 

This shouldn’t have happened to him. 

He should have fought back. 

Should have told someone. 

He’s Bruce Wayne’s son. 

He was Batman’s Robin. 

No one cares, Jay. 

Not about you. 

Or what you think happened between us. 

Are you even sure if what you’re remembering is real?

“No,” he cries. 

He’s Jason Todd, and this shouldn’t have happened to him. 

It couldn’t have.

It’s all in your head Jay. 

/ / /

Roy taps his foot impatiently, surely driving the cabbie crazy. 

He’s too worried to care. 

After his call with Jason, Roy tried calling him again. 

And again.

Jason didn’t pick up of course. 

He thought about calling Dick and asking him to check on Jason, but he knew that would only make things worse and he was probably just overreacting and–

And after the tenth call Lian had looked him square in the eyes and said:

Get your shit together daddy.

Roy had been so shocked he’d laughed for a whole minute before Ollie showed up with his bag packed and told him to get in the car. 

I’ll bring Lian back to Gotham next week as planned. But your flight leaves in two hours, Fella. 

He must have looked truly miserable for his daughter and father to conspire to get him back to Gotham a whole week early. 

Roy barely lets the cab come to a stop before he’s jumping out.

He tips the cabbie $50, an apology for his anxiety, and he almost forgets his bag as he races for the front door. 

Jason gave him a key and hadn’t asked for it back. 

The elevator ride takes ages, several other residents getting on and off, but finally, he reaches the top floor and steps out in front of Jason’s door. 

The key works just fine but Roy’s sigh of relief quickly turns into something heavy and pained. 

The apartment is a disaster. 

Roy didn’t even know Jason was capable of creating this amount of mess and he stands in the entryway for a full minute taking it all in. 

Dishes piled everywhere. 

Clothes on the ground. 

The trash hasn’t been taken out since the benefit it seems like and the plants—

“Fuck.”

They aren’t dead—thank god—but some look like they might not bounce back.

Roy’s not sure if he should try and water them or not. But Jason could tell him what to do.

Jason first. 

Then everything else. 

Roy keeps his bag by the door and after one more quick glance in the living room he heads to the bedroom. 

He doesn’t let himself question what he might find. 

Doesn’t let himself think about how he went to Star and left Jason alone and how—

Jason’s curled up on the bed, a thin sheet over him. 

He shivers and a moment later Roy’s next to him, covering him with the comforter and another blanket for good measure. 

Jason’s always cold. 

Always tucking his feet under Roy’s thighs when they’re watching movies.

Or wearing layer upon layer that Roy used to think about how it’d take him an hour just to get him undressed.

Now he wonders if that was the point.

Jason shifts in his sleep, rolling over and pulling a pillow close.

Roy spots another blanket folded on top of the dresser and lays it on top of Jason for good measure.

Roy starts to reach out and brush the hair away from Jason’s eyes, but then draws back, thinking better of it.

Sometimes I feel him when you’re touching me!

Backing out of the room slowly, Roy glances one last time at Jason before shutting the door softly.

Jason can sleep and Roy can clean and maybe this afternoon they can figure out how to go forward.

Together, hopefully. 

/ / /

Jason wakes suddenly from a nightmare. 

God, you’re so fucking unless, Jay.

A memory really. 

Are you sure about that, Jay?

He thinks so, at least. 

Jason tries to push the memory away and when he can’t do that he tries to rationalize it away as a nightmare. 

Because Ryan never got physically violent with him. 

Not really. 

Not often. 

But he still has a scar from that night. He can’t see it. But he can feel it on his back. 

Where he hit their coffee table and—

“I’m sorry—I was trying to clean up and it was open on the floor and I—”

Jason jumps, not realizing Roy was here. 

Not realizing he’d left his room and—

Roy’s standing in his living room, holding a notebook.  

The notebook Jason meant to throw into the fire last night. 

Christ. You think someone’s ever going to love someone as fucked up as you, Jay?

“—I shouldn’t have read that, I'm sorry Jason but I—”

Jason blinks, and Roy’s closer now. He’s been crying. 

See? You hurt everyone. 

“—this is something old right? Or for your short story class? This isn’t—You don’t—fuck.”

Roy bites his lip and runs a hand over his eyes before tossing the notebook down on the floor.

They’re just a foot apart. 

Close enough that Roy could catch Jason if he fell. 

But would he want to?

“Please Jason—please Jaybird.”

Go on Jay, ask nicely and say please.

Jason shakes his head, he doesn’t know what Roy wants. 

Are you even listening to me Jay?

Probably couldn’t give it to him even if he knew. 

“Why are you here Roy?” He whispers instead. 

The question surprises Roy. 

He’s probably expecting Jason to ask how he got in and what he thinks he’s doing but Jason knows those answers.

Spare key.

Cleaning.

He just doesn’t know Why.

Roy looks sad and heartbroken and Jason hates Ryan for making him into the person who breaks Roy Haper’s heart.

Even if it’s for the best.

“You, Jason. I was worried and I came to check on you. I shouldn’t have gone to Star. Shouldn’t have left you here and I just—”

Roy continues to ramble and Jason wants to scream. 

He needs Roy to leave. 

To walk away and never come back. 

Needs him to be happy. 

Because Roy’s never going to be happy with him. 

Jason’s never going to be able to give Roy the things he wants or needs because now every time Jason thinks about kissing Roy or holding his hand all he sees is Ryan. 

All he remembers is Ryan. 

“—I love you Jaybird and it’s okay if you don’t love me or want to be together anymore just please—just tell me how I can help you and let me help.”

Roy’s crying again, looking at Jason before looking down at his hands. 

He hesitates, and then reaches for them. 

Somehow gently and desperate all at once. 

“Please.”

Jason looks at their hands and then looks at Roy. 

It’s Roy he sees. 

Roy he feels, running a thumb slowly across the back of his hand. 

He’s too tired to argue right now. 

Too tired to tell Roy all the reasons why he’s not worth his time. 

Worth helping. 

So he says,

“Okay.”

Because he doesn’t have any fight left in him. 

Roy closes the distance between them, gathering Jason up in his arms. Wrapping them gently but firmly around him. 

Jason can’t see it but he can feel Roy’s small smile. 

Can feel the hope he has that everything will get better now.

Now that Jason’s agreed to let him help. 

That Jason will get better. 

That’s not how it works. 

Jason doubts anyone, even Roy, could fix him and make him all better.

He doubts he’ll ever be better than he is right at this moment.

Wrapped in the arms of a hopeful Roy Harper.

But maybe Roy had enough hope for them both.

Chapter Text

18 months later

The news comes in late summer. 

Ryan Wickham was arrested in Rome on charges of art smuggling and art forgery. 

Mr. Wickham, the ex-fiancé of Jason Todd-Wayne, adopted son of billionaire Bruce Wayne, was arrested early Sunday morning, along with several others. 

Mr. Wickham, who was once often featured in society pages alongside his ex-fiancé, had been accused of domestic assault by his Mr. Todd-Wayne, who later recanted his accusations.

Mr. Wickham is currently suing Mr. Wayne for libel and defamation, and it is unclear if that lawsuit will continue with his recent arrest. 

The news isn't surprising. 

He was bound to be caught for something.

And it brings no satisfaction. 

I know it's not the same, Jason. 

Jason dropped the charges against Ryan almost a year ago. 

It's your word against his, Mr. Todd-Wayne. 

He had no proof of what Ryan had done to him. 

A lone scar that could have happened any number of ways, and bruises that had faded long ago, were proof of nothing. 

And the words that lived in the space between them meant nothing now. 

He-said, He-said.

Not even Jason's therapist knew, even after these many months. 

Can you really be sure I said all those nasty things to you, Jason?

His mental instability at that time hadn't helped matters, either. 

With the state you're in–no one's going to believe you. 

Jason dropped the assault charges, but Ryan still sued Bruce for defamation and libel.

New light is being shed on the seemingly volatile relationship between Jason Todd-Wayne and his ex-fiancé Ryan Wickham, who is now suing the Wayne family for 150 Million Dollars for libel and defamation, related to accusations of domestic violence. 

Odds are Ryan has bigger problems on his hands right now, and likely that lawsuit will be dropped, but he always did want that payday he'd been denied when they broke up. 

Mr. Wickham, if convicted of these charges, could spend up to 25 years in an Italian jail. 

It’s late summer and nothing has changed. 

Jason eats and sleeps and goes to therapy. 

How are you feeling today, Jason?

Takes his meds and ignores the emails from his professors.

Re: Returning this fall?  

He may have dropped out but his professors, and the university, are more than happy to take him back. 

If that's what he wants. 

Jason can't decide what he wants though.  

He no longer works at the bookstore, giving that up around the same time he dropped out. 

You'll always have a place here if you ever want to come back, Jason. 

His family walks around the manor on tiptoes.

Afraid of triggering him. 

Afraid of their guilt. 

Afraid to show their disappointment in him. 

For giving up. 

For letting Ryan win. 

And Roy

Roy stopped calling a long time ago.

Around the time Jason asked him to stop. 

Nothing you say or do will fix this Roy!

Around the time Jason told him to move back to Star. 

Go back to Star for all I care. There's nothing for you here anymore. 

It was what was best from Lian.

And Roy. 

And Jason–

In a way. 

The news comes in late summer. 

He reads and re-reads the article on his phone, in his new room. 

The room Bruce all but forced him to move into. 

I want what's best for him to, and I don't think–

If I wanted your opinion, Mr. Harper, I’d ask for it.

After Jason reads the news, he finds himself at the lake. 

The lake on the west side of the grounds.

And Jason doesn’t want to drown–far from it.

He already feels like he’s drowning.

Today, he wants to breathe.

The water is cold, even in the hot August days of summer.

It’s cold, and he breathes for the first time in a long time.

For the first time since Roy found him New Year's Day, a lifetime ago it seems. 

And he floats

and floats

and floats

He floats until his legs and fingers go cold. 

Floats until his phone stops ringing. 

Floats until–

Until he feels like he can breathe on his own again. 

Finally

And when he finally drags himself out of the lake it's Dick's voice he hears. 

Over here! He's over here!

And when he's finally dry and safe in the library, his phone rings. 

And rings

And rings

And rings

Until–

“I didn't think you were going to answer, Jaybird.”

It's been nearly a year since Roy left. 

If I really do remind you of him, then I'll go. I'll stay away, and I won't call and maybe then–maybe then you can–

Since Lian asked Jason to come with them. 

Please Jayjay?

Since Roy last called.

I heard about the lawsuit. Wanted to make sure you're okay. 

That day, Jason told Roy he'd probably never be okay. 

Might never be ready to be okay again. 

Because the fact of the matter is, Okay was such a stupid idea. 

Okay as a state of being–has so vague a meaning it might as well mean nothing at all. 

It was also something Jason didn't deserve.

At least–

“Jason? Are you there?”

I'll be here when you're ready Jason. 

What if I'm never ready?

Jason blinks the memories and thoughts and feelings away.

And it takes longer than it should for him to answer. 

Takes a lifetime for him to find his voice. 

“I'm here,” he whispers. “Did Dick tell you to call?”

Roy hesitates long enough for Jason to know the answer. 

“He said you went to the lake. He said you tried–”

“No,” he laughs. “I don't want to do that anymore. Not that I ever really did–despite what they all may think–I just–”

Roy doesn't say anything and maybe that's what makes Jason–

“I needed to breathe again.”

“I needed–I know it sounds crazy–”

“It doesn't,” Roy interrupts. “You're not–nothing you've ever said has sounded crazy to me.”

And while Jason can always hear the lie in Dick and Bruce and Alfred–he can't hear it in Roy. 

Has never heard it. 

If you say you’re not ready, I believe you.

And maybe it's the cold talking. Or the news. Or the time and the distance and the knowledge that even after everything–

Even after everything–

Roy's still here.

He left cause Jason told him to. 

But maybe he's been here the whole time. 

Maybe they haven't talked in months. 

But maybe Roy was always holding space for Jason. 

Waiting for that moment when–

“I think I'm ready now.”

The news comes in late summer and everything changes