Chapter Text
The wind was roaring around the cabin, blowing around anything that wasn't bolted down. The windows had already shattered, and leaves and other debris were swirling around the living room, around Dean and Sam.
Sam was lying on the couch, his skin pale and a bloody wound gaping in his stomach. He wasn’t moving. Dean was standing beside the couch, holding the First Blade, tears streaming down his face, his rage and sorrow causing the sudden hurricane-force winds.
“Help me fix this, Cas, please help me! I didn’t mean to!” Dean wailed into the phone, and Castiel’s deep, rumbled assurances were just static in his ears.
Dean could not tear his eyes away from his little brother, the kid he had helped raise, lying cold and dead right in front of him. He did this: Dean killed his baby brother.
Dean swallowed against the sour bile rising in his throat, his stomach churning like the wind around him, threatening to empty its contents everywhere. There had to be a way to fix this. Cas would know - Dean was sure of it. His thoughts were interrupted as the screeching of tires tore through the thick silence of his panicked thoughts. He heard a car door slam, and then the door to the cabin burst open with a howling wind.
***
Castiel was standing in the doorway, shocked into stillness as he took in the scene in front of him. Dean was covered in blood, and it wasn't his own.
“Dean…Dean, what did you do? Drop the Blade!”
Dean turned his head toward the angel, his face screwed up in utter anguish, though his hand was still held firmly around the Blade. He was shaking with emotion and rage. Castiel had never seen Dean so broken before, and considering everything they had been through together, that was saying something.
“I told him not to try to stop me, that the Mark was too strong now. I couldn’t control it! He got in my way, started trying to take the Blade, and I…I…Oh God, Cas, you have to help me!” Dean wailed, his body wracked with sobs as he looked back down at his little brother’s body.
Castiel moved forward slowly, unsure if it was wise to approach Dean in his current state. He got to the edge of the couch, about two feet from Dean, so that he could see the damage done to Sam. There was no doubt – Sam was gone.
“You know I can’t bring him back. I’m so sorry, Dean. I can’t fix this.”
“Then go back in time and stop all of this shit from happening! Zach could do it! Why can’t you?”
“Because I’m not an archangel; I don’t have the power to bend time. Please just drop the Blade, ok? I’m so close to finding Cain, and then we can get the Mark off of you and stop this.”
“Fuck Cain! Fuck all of it! If nothing is going to bring Sammy back, then it can have me,” Dean growled, the utter rage in his face scaring Castiel, who could have sworn the elder Winchester’s eyes had flashed black.
Before Castiel could reply, there was the sound of wings, and suddenly Gabriel was on the other side of the couch, looking sadly down at Sam’s body.
“I can take you back, Dean, but you have to understand the consequences before I can do it,” Gabriel explained quietly, glancing up at the rage-filled man.
Castiel moved forward and gripped Dean’s shoulder, against his better judgment. “Don’t do it! Messing with time is not a good idea. It could make things worse than they’ve already been.”
Dean gave Castiel a sad smile and gestured down at his brother. “They can’t possibly get any worse, Cas. I want to start over. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t.”
“If I take you back, everything in the last ten years will be reversed. None of it will have happened. Sam will still be at Stanford, your dad will still be searching for Azazel, and you’ll still be hunting alone. None of it will have happened, but you’re responsible for changing the course of history. If I send you back and you do everything the same, it won’t have mattered.”
“I won’t. I’ll leave Sammy the hell alone. I should never have gotten him involved again.”
Gabriel held his hand up, as if to say he wasn’t done yet. “There’s more. None of it will have happened, and no one will remember a thing…except for you. You’ll remember everything, Dean – everyone. Once I take you back and you start changing things, there’s no turning back. I won’t be able to bring you back. Hell, I won’t even remember any of this. Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Dean, please don’t, there has to be another way,” Castiel begged, turning the man to face him. His expression was desperate as he looked into Dean’s eyes, which were dull and defeated.
“Why wouldn’t you want me to go back and fix all of this, Cas?” Dean asked incredulously. “If I can make it so that Sam never gets involved and lives his apple pie life with Jess, I’m damn well doing it!”
“Because you’ll never have met me, and I won’t remember you! You’ll remember me…but I won’t remember you,” Castiel explained, his voice strained as Dean’s expression turned to panic once more. Castiel could see the fear and indecision in the man’s eyes, and he knew what he had to do. He took a deep breath as he glanced away from the hunter before looking back to meet Dean’s gaze once more. This would be the hardest thing Castiel would ever do, but for Dean, he would do anything, even erase his own memories and history with the man he had fallen for.
“You’re right; who am I to stop you from making things better? Go, Dean. Maybe we’ll meet again somehow.”
***
Dean stood staring at the angel who had been such a huge part of his life for the last six years and felt his heart ache and his stomach churn. Could he really go back and erase everything, giving up Cas in the process? He’d remember the angel, remember everything they’d been through, remember how he felt about him, but Cas wouldn’t have a clue who he was, even if they did meet again.
But he could save Sam, and even his dad, and probably countless other people. He could fix every stupid mistake he’d made since pulling Sam out of Stanford, make things right for his brother. He would still have the knowledge he did now; he could go back and do it all on his own without ever dragging his little brother into it.
Dean felt fresh tears rolling down his cheeks as he finally unclenched his fist and dropped the First Blade. He turned to fully face his angel and raised a hand to cup Castiel’s cheek. “I’m sorry, Cas, but I have to. Please forgive me. I…” Dean hesitated, begging the words to scrape from his throat, but he couldn’t do it.
He hadn’t even told Sam he loved him before Dean had killed him in cold blood. Dean wasn’t sure he would ever be able to say those words again, once Cas wasn’t around. He bit his lip, studying the angel’s tear-filled eyes carefully. Dean couldn’t say it, but he could show it, and the Mark on his arm made it so much easier to just say fuck it and take what he’d been secretly wanting for years but had been too afraid to admit to himself or anyone else. Dean grunted in frustration as he tugged the angel close and kissed him firmly on the lips, wrapping his arms tightly around him.
***
Castiel gasped as he was suddenly crushed against Dean’s chest, but he kissed back with all he was worth, clinging onto Dean even as the man reluctantly pulled away. “There’s nothing to forgive, Dean. You have given me everything and more. You changed me in ways I could never properly explain to you, and I am grateful to have known you in this lifetime. Please, if you can do just one thing for me, Dean? I only ask one thing of you going forward.”
Castiel only realized that he had tears streaming down his own cheeks when Dean brushed the tears from his cheeks with gentle hands. Dean’s eyes looked slightly wild, but he was so focused on Castiel, his gorgeous green eyes piercing into the angel with so many unspoken words that they would never get the chance to say now. Well, maybe he could say it, and at least give Dean that peace of mind, since the hunter would be the only one to retain any memory of this timeline.
“Yeah, Cas?”
“Please be kinder to yourself, and please do not feel guilty for this decision. I understand, and I promise, it does not change the way I feel about you at all, Dean. I love you, and even if you erase this timeline, it won’t erase that love, do you hear me? It will live on in you, so please…please protect it,” Castiel whispered, running his fingers through the back of Dean’s hair reverently. He had always wanted to run his fingers through the hunter’s hair like this, and this would be his only chance, so he selfishly took it. He drew Dean back in and kissed him, but this kiss was less hard and desperate. This kiss was passionate, full of the emotions they had held back from each other for years.
Trying to pour his love into Dean through his lips, Castiel clutched the man as close as he could, feeling their tears smearing across each other’s cheeks. Dean deepened the kiss, but only for a moment, only for a small taste. Castiel let out a distressed whimper as Dean pulled away from the kiss, pressing his forehead to the angel’s as he panted to catch his breath.
“Me, too, Cas,” Dean croaked, grasping Castiel’s face in his palms and looking into his eyes as though he was searching the angel’s eyes for understanding. “Me, too. I’ll protect it, I promise.”
Castiel sobbed, nodding quickly as Dean pressed another kiss to his lips, a terrible sound of fear quietly shared between them as Dean cried in earnest, his voice hitching as he whispered apologies. He kissed Castiel’s forehead before taking a very reluctant step back, nearly having to pry Castiel’s hands from his jacket as the angel couldn’t seem to let him go.
Dean gave him one last, watery smile, brushing a hand against Castiel’s cheek briefly before taking a deep breath. He turned to Gabriel and gave one short nod, his jaw set in determination. He glanced back at Castiel, who saw the passion burning in Dean’s eyes. That was the last thing he saw before Gabriel snapped his fingers, and everything went black.
***
Dean woke up to the sound of a laugh he thought he would never hear again. He couldn’t remember what had happened last night, but he felt like hammered shit. He slowly opened his eyes and glanced around, looking for the source of the laughter.
“Good morning, son! I guess your father made sure neither you nor Sam would remember Sam’s twenty-first birthday.”
Dean felt his heart slam into his throat as he clutched his head. He remembered everything. The last thing he remembered was looking into Cas’ tear-filled eyes. He was going to be sick. But if Gabriel had only sent him back ten years, how was his mom alive?
“Mom?”
Mary Winchester leaned over the back of the couch Dean had passed out on and gave a mischievous smirk. “Would you like some nice greasy bacon and some runny eggs for breakfast? You must have been more drunk than Sam was; he was up an hour ago.”
Dean felt a smile stretch across his face as he reached up and grasped his mother’s hand in his own. “I missed you.”
Mary chuckled as she gave her son’s hand a gentle pat. “You were only gone for the weekend, Momma’s boy. How about a glass of water and some aspirin? I’ll be right back.”
Dean laughed as he sat up and watched his mother walk into the kitchen – the kitchen of their old house in Lawrence. He decided it didn’t matter how Mary was alive, he wasn’t going to look that gift horse in the mouth.
~10 Years Later~
The park was filled with giggling and hyper children running around the grassy field, chasing after frisbees and kickballs, or playing tag with their friends and siblings. The sky was a perfect blue with only a few clouds to keep them cool; it was a beautiful day.
Dean was sitting on a blanket that was stretched out in the grass. His not-so-little brother was sitting beside him, and lying next to Sam was his gorgeous wife, Jess.
“Uncle Dean! Come chase us!” a little girl with brilliantly blue eyes and pale blonde hair yelled out to him.
“Your Uncle Dean is too old and frail, Cassie,” said Sam with a loving smile. He adored his little girl and spoiled her rotten, but Dean was no better.
Dean felt his chest ache at hearing his niece’s name, like every other time. Jess and Sam had decided to name their baby girl Cassandra and often called her Cassie for short. Dean tried to make sure he called her Cassie, too, but he sometimes slipped up and called her Cas. No one noticed or said anything, but Dean could feel the pain ripping at him from the inside.
It had been ten long and mostly wonderful years since Gabriel had sent him back. Sam had graduated from Stanford Law and married Jess. John Winchester had never disappeared because Mary had never been killed, and Dean had helped him run an auto repair shop. Mary never hunted again, and John was never the wiser. Dean’s family always teased him about why he hadn’t found himself a nice girl and settled down yet, and Dean would always say he wasn’t the type to settle down, and he was glad to just play Uncle to his niece instead.
The truth was that Dean had tried dating over the last few years, but it never turned out well. He could never commit fully to the person he was dating because he still wasn’t over Cas. He probably never would be, and he felt that familiar despair clutching at his chest once more.
The most difficult part of all of this was being the only one to remember everything. Sometimes he would mention a memory from his past life to Sam, who would give him a strange look and ask if he was feeling ok. Dean would have to play it off like he was joking. There had been a few close calls, and he had struggled with depression and anxiety for the last ten years. Dean could never hope to explain everything to a therapist, even if he had wanted to. He knew his family worried for him, not sure how to help him.
Dean couldn’t talk to a single soul about any of it. Sometimes he felt so alone, and that was when he would pray to Castiel. He had no idea if the angel ever heard him, but he would pray and pray, telling him how much he missed him and how hard it had been to try to live this normal life when he knew this wasn’t how things had been before. Dean hadn’t realized, when Gabriel said it would be his responsibility, how very lonely it would be.
***
Castiel sighed in annoyance and confusion. He rarely received prayers directly addressed to himself; most of the time, when people prayed, it was directly to God. These prayers were filtered through his angels, who did what they could to help the humans in need.
However, there was one man who seemed to always pray directly to Castiel, and his prayers often made no sense to the angel whatsoever. The man would say that he missed Castiel and talk about things that had never happened, and there would be such a strong sense of longing, pain, and regret that Castiel would feel compelled to go to this man, but Gabriel always stopped him.
“Is it that Winchester guy again?” Gabriel asked as Castiel flapped his wings in irritation.
“Yes, of course. He is talking about someone named Benny and their time in Purgatory. His longing for me is so strong it’s palpable. How can a human I have never met long for me? I am not sure if the man is just disturbed or if I am missing something,” Castiel explained, like he had so many times before.
Gabriel gave his brother a searching look, as if he knew something that Castiel didn’t and was wondering if the angel would ever uncover the truth. “I don’t think you’re missing anything, Castiel. The man may have just read your name somewhere and prays to you. He must be deranged.”
Castiel shook his head as he listened to the human pray to him again, saying that it was so lonely to remember everything and have no one to talk to about it, but that it had to be worth it because Sam was happy and had a family. “No, I don’t think he is. It’s like he knows things no one else does. If I could only go down to Earth and speak with him, maybe – ”
“No. You know our Father does not want you leaving the host for Earth, Castiel. We are not to interact directly with humans,” said Gabriel.
Castiel just glared at his brother as he tried to push away the strong feelings of longing and pain that this human was sending to him in waves. “You’re one to talk, taking off to Earth whenever the Garrison isn’t looking. This man is in pain, Gabriel. I only want to help.”
“There’s nothing to be done. I’m sorry.”
Castiel sighed again as he watched his brother leave. He focused once more on the human’s prayers and felt his own sort of longing to help this man who seemed to need him, for whatever reason. “I am sorry, Dean Winchester,” Castiel whispered, and he could hear the tears in the man’s voice as he continued to pray.
***
“It has to be worth it, Cas, it just has to be. Sam is happy and married, and has a gorgeous little girl. Mom is alive, and Dad is so happy. I did this to make everything better, and it has been…for them. I miss you so much, though, and there’s no one else to talk to. I don’t even know if you can hear me. You probably think I’m insane if you do, because you won’t remember anything.
“It was worth it…it was worth it…it has to be,” Dean croaked through his tears, the horrible, clawing loneliness tearing open his chest and shredding his heart to pieces. It had to be worth the pain he was in, or else Dean had simply traded one mistake for another. “It was worth it…”