Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kieu My pulls her coat around her a little tighter, quickening her pace, careful not to let her heels get caught in a grate. She was going to be early, but she’d rather wait at the restaurant, maybe with a glass of wine, rather than spend any more time in her apartment mulling over the same thoughts.

The air was unexpectedly nippy tonight, making the soft glow of the street lamps particularly charming. She pauses for the photo opportunity and takes a couple of selfies, choosing the one she feels most impressive in. She throws on a filter and a non-descript caption before posting it to Instagram.

Fifteen minutes early.

Kieu My assesses the temperature again, considering waiting outside with some of the other patrons. There’s a couple that catches her eyes when she sees the guy’s scarf start to slip off and the girl Kieu My assumes to be his girlfriend, reaches out for it quickly, securing it to him better. Their laughter and joyful eyes stir up a memory she quickly pushes away, but the pang in her heart stays.

“Excuse me, could I wait at the bar?” Kieu My asks the host.

It’s not much better inside, but at least she has a glass of wine now. She’s trying to focus on the script she’d mentally written for herself, but she finds herself distracted by the couple just within her line of sight. They appear to be on a first date, their nervous but excited energy palpable even at this distance.

Kieu My wonders what it means that she keeps fixating on these couples. Is it support for her decision or a sign that she’s wrong? She hasn’t settled on an answer when she feels a hand at her back.

“Sorry I’m late.”

***

Kieu My turns the key to her front door, kicking off her shoes the second she steps into her apartment. It’s not that late, yet she feels exhausted, mentally drained from her dinner and the anticipation of what awaited her at home.

The lights are off and she hopes this means that Yara decided to go out after all. She could slip into a bath and then her pajamas and call it an early night. Or maybe she could watch some mind-numbing television that would keep her from reliving the disappointment of her night.

Kieu My reaches out along the smooth paneling of the wall until her hand finds the light switch to illuminate the small foyer; she’s decided on the living room for television, certain that her thoughts wouldn’t allow her to sleep just yet.

She lets out an involuntary gasp when she makes eye contact with Yara staring at her expectantly on the sofa.

“Creep.” Kieu My recovers from the scare quickly.

“Like this is news. So? Did you do it?” Yara leans forward, her eyes shining hopefully.

Kieu My casts her eyes downward, grumbling an unintelligible response. This was exactly what she was hoping to avoid tonight. She should have chosen a bath and her bed. But that probably wouldn’t have stopped Yara from finding her.

She takes her time getting comfortable on the sofa, picking up the bag of chocolate pretzels on the coffee table.

“No,” Kieu My finally answers.

Yara immediately yanks the pretzels from her hands, drawing Kieu My’s gaze back to her.

“Hey!” Kieu My objects.

“Nope. Pretzels were a reward. A congratulations for breaking up with your lame ass boyfriend. But don’t worry, you can still have this.” Yara puts a bottle of beer in Kieu My’s now empty hand.

Yara takes her own bottle and tips it against Kieu My’s before taking a large sip, encouraging Kieu My to follow suit.

“So what’s your excuse?”

Kieu My gives her a cold glare that might scare others, but not her long time friend and roommate. Any ability to intimidate her had disappeared years ago.

Kieu My shrugs uncertain how to answer. Yara would roll her eyes if she told her about all the couples at the restaurant that made her overthink her earlier decision that she should end her relationship. It still felt funny to even call it that. They hadn’t been dating that long, but long enough that it required a formal ending. Which she had been unable to follow through with.

She sighs heavily. “I couldn’t do it. I didn’t know what to say. It would be easier if there was a problem, something I could blame it on.”

“You’re not in love with him. I think that’s a good enough reason, Kieu.”

Kieu My coughs, having choked on her sip of beer.

“Love? We haven’t been together long enough for all that.”

“Fine, but be honest, Kieu My, you’re not even interested in him. Why keep dating him?”

“I am interested in him! He’s . . . sweet . . . and nice.”

“So are pets. We could get a cat.”

Kieu My rolls her eyes, the unanswered question playing in her mind again. Her fingers nervously tear away at the label of her beer.

It was his kindness that got her attention when they first met. A casual encounter at a coffee shop where he made her laugh for the first time during a particularly stressful weekend. His gentle eyes and handsome face made it easy to agree to his request for her phone number.

She regrets telling Yara every detail of her dating life, because she knows everything about Alejandro. Yara knows that every date has been pleasant enough, that the sex is satisfying enough; everything just enough to keep Kieu My from being able to follow through with the voice inside her head that tells her just enough isn’t really enough.

Kieu My doesn’t feel passionately about Alejandro, she knows that, but she does feel safe. It’s stable and predictable in a way she appreciates. So maybe the lack of passion isn’t reason enough to end a relationship. Because, it’s nice to have someone at the end of a long day who cares about how she’s been. And it doesn’t hurt that it curbs her mother’s frequent inquiries about marriage and children now that she’s out of university.

“I don’t know. I wish you could break up with him for me.”

“You know I would. If you’d let me.”

Kieu My could imagine how quickly and easily Yara would end things for her. She’s had plenty of experience ending her own relationships for reasons as simple as not enjoying the same type of music. Sometimes she’d end things via text or mid-date, Yara would announce they should probably stop seeing each other; all methods she thought were too harsh for Alejandro, who’d done nothing to deserve such an impersonal break up.

Yara lets out a heavy sigh.

“Ale is a good guy, Kieu My, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep dating him. I know you think having him is better than being alone, but you shouldn’t settle. You deserve to be with someone you actually want to date.

“I’ve seen you in love,” she continues despite the obvious tension that statement has caused Kieu My, “and I’ve seen you in various degrees of like. Ale is safe. I get it. But, girl, you are not happy.”

They sit in silence for a minute, and Kieu My considers Yara’s words, wondering what has prompted such urgency from Yara. It was more fun when they were both single, but that wasn’t Yara’s motivation this time. She seemed more concerned, and Kieu My wonders if she’s been particularly down lately.

Leaving university and finding a new job had been a big transition, and moving back to Berlin had her encountering memories she’d been burying for years. Was the impact of it all more evident than she had realized?

She peels off what little remains of the beer label.

“You deserve to be happy.”

Happy. Kieu My considers when she was last happy, truly happy. The kind of happy where she felt light and free. She shakes her head, pushing the thoughts away.

“Okay, Mom.” Kieu My hits Yara with one of the pillows on the sofa, trying to bring them out of the serious turn this conversation has taken. “I’ll remember that the next time I see him. I’ll end things. But this weekend we’re on for Aquarius, right?”

“Yes! New job celebration is a must!”

Kieu My reclines back onto the sofa, her attention on the reality show Yara has turned on. It’s what she had wanted to do when she got home, but after their conversation she can’t get lost in the superficial drama of the people on the show. She keeps her eyes on the screen, but her mind won’t stop playing over Yara’s earlier words.

She’s not in love, she knows that, and if she’s being honest with herself, she thinks she’s kind of given up on ever experiencing that again. Kieu My starts drumming her fingers across her thigh and notices Yara sneak a look over at her. She stills her hands, not wanting to encourage further conversation about her dating life.

“Wait, are you eating my pretzels?”

“Uh, my pretzels. You didn’t earn them.”

“Ass.”

“You love me.”

Kieu My smiles. She does. She may not believe in romantic love anymore, but she loves her friends more than anything.

Chapter Text

Kieu My rummages through her wardrobe, trying to find an outfit to celebrate tonight. There were several options, some new and some items she’s held onto since high school, unable to let go of them. Their fabric holding onto memories of a time in which life felt a bit like one big party. Her high school years. But that ended when she went to Munich for university.

She always said no to invitations to go out under the guise of being too focused on her school work, but the truth was that she had no interest in going out. The prospect of being surrounded by happy people when her heart was trying to slowly mend held no appeal.

And the few times she went out, she almost always regretted it. While the men who struggled with taking no from Kieu My angered her, the worst was when she would stumble home drunkenly, pausing to stare at the stars above her, letting the emotions she avoided sober flood her. It was cathartic in some ways, to let herself feel, to cry, but the next morning she’d always feel like it was a setback.

It took well over a year to find the ability to enjoy her nights out without letting it tip over into sadness, and Yara played a large role in that. Kieu My laughs lightly considering how Yara went from someone she was jealous of to one of her closest friends. She was proud of her for getting this new job, for not giving up after what felt like endless interviews.

Kieu My runs her hands over a dress she hadn’t worn yet. It seems like a good option for tonight, so she throws it on, smoothing her hands over any wrinkles it may have developed. She turns to the side, assessing her look in the full length mirror in her bedroom.

“Oooh, you look hot!” Yara lays on Kieu My’s bed, fully dressed and ready to go out. “All this for me?”

Kieu My laughs and takes herself in one last time. Yara is right, she looks hot. She grabs a jacket and throws it on. “Sorry to disappoint, but this is for me.”

“I support that, too.”

Kieu My’s phone buzzes and Yara informs her, “Ale wants to hang out. Are you sure you don’t just want me to break up with him? Such an easy text.”

Kieu My rolls her eyes at the way Yara wiggles her fingers, showing off how ready she was to type out such a message.

“Just remind him that it’s girls’ night and I’ll talk to him later.”

Yara hums as she types out the message. “But you do know that I invited Josh and Nora, right?”

“Yes, but he doesn’t.”

They share a smile before grabbing their bags and heading out to the cab waiting for them.

***

Despite the pain in her feet courtesy of the pair of heels Kieu My opted to wear tonight, she finds herself laughing with enjoyment on the dance floor. The sheen of sweat developing from the heat generated by the crowd doesn’t phase her either. It’s not until she sees Nora and Josh running off from the dance floor with smiles on her face that Kieu My decides on a break.

She tugs on Yara’s hand pulling her towards the bar, letting go when Yara collapses onto a stool while Kieu My calls out for two waters.

“No!” Yara yells at the familiar bartender. “Two shots!”

“Tequila!” Kieu My tacks on. She probably should have insisted on the water, but it’s a night of celebration and they’re having such a good time.

Kieu My takes a seat and fights the urge to kick off her shoes. She focuses on fanning herself, trying to cool off in the fresher air away from the mass of people out tonight.

“That guy trying to talk to you was cute.” Yara nods back at the dance floor.

“I haven’t broken up with Ale, yet.” Kieu My reminds her, not bothering to look over.

“But you’re going to!” Yara cries. “C’mon let’s get you a new boyfriend. Or girlfriend!”

“I should probably be single. Dating hasn’t really been working out for me lately.”

“What about Amina? I liked her. That was going well. I still don’t know why you broke up with her.”

Kieu My gives her a pointed look. Yara knows exactly why she broke up with her. Amina was probably the longest relationship she’d had in years. And Yara was right, things were going well - too well. It had terrified Kieu My.

The fear made her evasive, irritable, all the qualities of herself that Kieu My hated. She’d either pick fights or be dismissive and then, suddenly, it was over. She had thought it would be worse than it was, so when she wasn’t devastated, she took it as proof that it wasn’t meant to be. She thought she had been falling in too deep with Amina, but if she had been able to walk away that easily, she must not have been.

She knew what love was supposed to feel like. And she knew what it was to lose that love. That had been brutal. It tore her apart when that relationship ended and it felt like she would never feel whole again.

“Shots.” The bartender places the tequila in front of them with a wink.

“When are you going to ask her out?”

“Maybe when she’s forgotten that she found me mid hook up in the restroom that one time.”

Kieu My laughs, recalling how red Yara had been when she rushed out of the restroom and insisted they needed to go home immediately.

“Okay, let’s take these.” She raises the shot glass in the air. “To your new job.”

“To my n - ugh!” Yara groans as somebody bumps into her.

“Hey!” Kieu My yells at them ready to come to Yara’s defense.

“Oh, sorry th-” Their voice trails off registering who they’ve bumped into. “Kieu My?”

“Ismail?! When did you get back into town?”

“Uh, today, actually.”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“Well, I thought, oh, hey Yara!”

Kieu My continues to frown at him, waiting for an explanation as to why one of her best friends wouldn’t think it was worth mentioning that they would be in the same city as her. It had been months since they last saw each other, when Kieu My had gone on a small trip to visit him.

“Uh,” Ismail stutters, casting a nervous look at the dance floor. “Well, I meant to call you.”

Kieu My follows his line of sight and sees why he hadn’t said anything.

Fatou.

“Oh.” Kieu My turns away quickly but the image has already been seared into her eyes. Fatou's wide smile, her hands in the air, dancing to the music with Ava at her side.

Her thoughts are racing but she can’t even tell what it is that she’s thinking.

“I didn’t think you'd w-”

Kieu My clears her throat and turns her attention back to the shot she had yet to take.

“Cheers.” She downs it quickly, wishing she had another.

“We should say hi!” Yara exclaims.

"Uh, yeah?" Ismail's voice rises, excited but uncertain.

"Yes!" Yara insists, she slams her now empty shot glass on the bar and wraps a hand around Ismail's arm, letting him lead the way.

“Uh, I just need to go to the restroom. I’ll be there in a minute.” Kieu My doesn’t wait for either of them to say anything before she walks off.

She stares down to the ground, placing one foot in front of the other, trying to keep a steady pace, hoping to draw no attention to herself. Her jaw clenches, focused on keeping her face void of displaying the surprise from the turn of events that’s made this night the type of reunion she never planned on having.

Kieu My weaves past the women exiting the restroom, not stopping until she finds an empty spot at the counter. She turns the faucet to the coldest setting and runs her hands under the water, letting the cold sensation bring her out from her thoughts and into the present moment. It’s a different kind of heat emanating off of her body now.

Kieu My presses her damp, cold hands to the back of her neck trying to calm down.

Ismail is back and didn’t think to mention it to Kieu My. And he was here with Ava and Fatou. Which was very likely why he hadn’t said anything to Kieu My. It had long been established that Kieu My wouldn’t tolerate hearing anything related to Fatou.

She has so many questions to ask Ismail, but she’s uncertain that she can go back out there to say hello, much less attempt to carry a conversation. The thought alone sends a fresh wave of heat through her body. Instinct is telling her to sneak out and go home.

Kieu My tries to push it away, running her hands through her hair and giving herself a hard stare in the mirror. She takes in a deep breath, preparing to give herself a mental pep talk, but no words of assurance come to mind.

Kieu My puts on the most indifferent look she can muster and walks out of the restroom with long strides, eager to exit the building. She’ll text Yara from the cab, when it’s too late for Yara to try and change her mind. She tells herself to focus on the front door, but her eyes refuse to cooperate, having drifted to the dance floor.

Her heart begins to pound in her ears, and suddenly her feet have begun to slow down, no longer on the path to the exit. They’re all there, huddled in a small circle too focused on talking to continue dancing. It looks natural for them to be together again. It’s the right choice to leave, Kieu My tells herself.

And yet she can’t seem to walk away, her eyes still focused on the group until suddenly she’s looking into a pair of warm brown eyes she hasn’t seen in five years.

Chapter Text

Kieu My remains frozen in place, unable to convince her feet to continue carrying her away. Her eyes locked in on Fatou’s, the rest of the bar has drifted away, so that they’re the only two people there, staring at each other across the room.

She’s trying to read Fatou’s eyes, any clues as to what she’s thinking about running into Kieu My so unexpectedly, but they’re not giving anything away. Or maybe she’s lost the ability to read them. That thought makes Kieu My a little sad, and she blinks for the first time since she caught Fatou’s eyes.

This is when she notices. It’s so small, so easy to overlook, but there’s a small twinge at Fatou’s lips. An almost smile. A hello.

Kieu My brushes her hair behind her ear. There’s no way she can just walk away now, any hope she had of being able to leave had disappeared the moment she saw Fatou. They were always like magnets, drawn to each other and five years hasn’t seemed to change that. There’s nothing she can do to keep herself from walking closer and closer, until she’s standing before Ismail.

“Hey,” her voice comes out soft and timid, a stark difference to the yelling she was doing with Yara at the bar. Kieu My curses herself internally. If the panic in her eyes hadn’t given her away, then her voice would draw attention to the fact that Kieu My has been completely disoriented by this encounter. She would have fixated on this more, but Fatou’s smile has grown. Still small, but it’s now visible to all.

“Hey,” Fatou responds and they’re back to staring at each other. Kieu My’s heart beating loudly in her chest, realizing she has no idea what she should say next.

“Fatou!” Nora’s voice is filled with enthusiasm and surprise, saving Kieu My from the task of trying to find words. She wraps Fatou in her arms, hugging her tightly and then Ava. “You’re here!”

“Yeah, we got here a few days earlier than we had planned.”

“You should have told us! Nora’s been marking down the calendar, she’s been so excited.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Nora.”

Kieu My watches the easy way in which Nora falls into talking to Ava and Fatou, her hands wrapped snugly around Fatou’s arm, holding her close. She registers Josh’s words - Nora had been marking down a calendar. She knew that Fatou would be arriving in Berlin.

Her mind is too occupied with this to focus on any of the other words being spoken between the trio. They’re all standing so close, and yet Kieu My feels a world apart from everyone. While their faces are filled with smiles and they’re consumed with talking to each other, Kieu My can only play with the straps on her purse, wondering what she is doing here.

Ismail’s voice cuts through her thoughts, addressing the whole group, he announces. “You all should come over next weekend! A housewarming! I should have furniture by then, so everyone isn’t having to sit on the floor.”

“Oh, that sounds good, Ismail!”

“Yeah, definitely.”

“Kieu My?” He asks.

“Uh, yeah, a new apartment, congrats Isi. I’ll be back.” Kieu My takes Yara’s hand and tugs her along to the bar.

“You okay?”

“No,” Kieu My shakes her head, trying to find words to describe her current state. “I, I wasn’t ready for all this. I’m going to head home. Can you just tell them I had a work thing, or like I have to go to sleep soon because of work tomorrow? I don’t even know.”

“Do you want me to go home with you?” Yara rubs Kieu My’s arm comfortingly, the conviction with which Kieu My has announced her need to leave has a sobering effect. She had been so caught up in the excitement of seeing old faces, the tequila clouding her judgment, she’d completely failed to recognize how Kieu My would be affected. If she had been sober, there was no way she would have agreed to meeting up with them without talking it through with Kieu My.

“Shit, Kieu My, I’m sorry.”

“No, hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry I’m bailing. But please stay, have fun.”

Yara’s eyes narrow, running over Kieu My’s face, trying to determine if she’s alright to go home alone. Kieu My gives her a small smile, letting Yara know that she won’t break down in tears tonight. That as jarring as tonight had been, she was okay.

“Alright, if you’re sure.”

Kieu My gives Yara a kiss on the cheek and sends her back to the group while she orders a ride. She stares at the little car on her phone screen driving down the streets of Berlin, focusing on this instead of starting the inevitable replay of tonight. She knows that once she gets home she’ll micro analyze every action or inaction, consider all the things she could have said, should have said . . . how much of an outsider she felt earlier.

The car keeps creeping along the route, finally close enough that Kieu My deems it acceptable to go outside and wait. She takes one last look at the group and her eyes naturally find Fatou’s first.

She’s looking right back at her. Her look as intense as it always was, steady and calm. Fatou doesn’t divert her eyes in embarrassment of being caught. It’s Kieu My who blinks, casting her eyes down before walking away.

***

Kieu My had thrown herself into work in a way that she hadn’t done for a while. It was always her go to method of distraction. School, work, anything with due dates, facts, removed from emotions or thoughts. She worked later than she needed to, coming home for a late dinner, and preparing for bed.

Despite being roommates, she’d hardly seen Yara at all. Kieu My hadn’t been checking her texts or even posting online as regularly as she typically would. So it should have come as no surprise to her that Alejandro would have noticed.

When she finds him at her doorstep Friday evening with a bag of takeout, she experiences a mixture of gratitude and guilt at seeing his smiling face there. It stuck with her all night as he poured her wine and cleaned up after their meal. When he asked questions about what she had been so focused on at work and if there was any way he could help. When he wrapped her in his arms and carried her to bed after she fell asleep on the sofa as they watched television.

She had completely forgotten her previous resolve to end this relationship and after last night she couldn’t recall why she was so eager to end things.

Kieu My turns over and considers his sleeping figure next to her, trying to search deep within her to understand what exactly it is she felt for him. Yara was right, it wasn’t love, but she didn’t know if that meant it couldn’t be one day.

She exhales loudly.

It’s too early in the morning for her to dive into that question.

Kieu My grabs her phone and tries to proceed as she would any Saturday morning - checking all of her socials. There’s a light breeze, making her curtain billow slightly and she decides this is a good morning post for her story.

It’s quiet in the house, Yara must still be asleep. Kieu My would normally get up now and go make some coffee and a light breakfast, but the sound of the breeze moving her curtain is lulling her back to sleep. She can afford to sleep in. It’s the weekend, after all, and she doesn’t have any plans or responsibilities to care for.

The realization of this settles in and what might otherwise be cause for celebration, it’s settling in that this means she has 48 hours to fill in order to keep herself from all she’d been fighting this past week. Work was the only reason she had been able to keep herself from searching for Fatou on social media. Focusing on reports and meetings kept her thoughts from replaying the last time she’d seen Fatou.

Kieu My sits up, wide awake now.

Her phone is back in her hand, having opened up Instagram. She’s not sure if Fatou had changed her username, or if her profile would be private, but her curiosity is growing and her resolve is wearing down. Kieu My closes her eyes tight with frustration.

This was exactly why she had avoided all mention of Fatou following their break up. The only way to keep herself from stalking Fatou’s every moment was to try and forget her, to pretend that she didn’t exist. But how can she do that when Fatou is here in Berlin and their worlds seem to be colliding together again?

Her finger hovers over the search bar trying to decide what to do, when a text message notification pops up.

Ismail: Can you get orange juice when you come over?
Got the 🍾 for brunch
See you at noon! 😘

She taps her nails on her face, having completely forgotten the invitation to Ismail’s apartment. Most likely because she had never really planned on going, because she knows that Fatou will be there. If Ismail had spent their first night back in Berlin with Ava and Fatou, surely they’d be there; and she’s in no way prepared to see them again this soon.

Or ever.

Kieu My drops her phone back on the bedside table. She can’t look up Fatou’s instagram. She knows it won’t end there. All these years later, she knows the effect Fatou could have on her if she let her.

She could just ghost Ismail until tomorrow or lie and pretend she was busy. But Yara would probably give her away.

The door to Kieu My’s door slowly opens, Yara, as if sensing her name in Kieu My’s thoughts, walks in without even bothering to knock.

“Scoot over.” Yara demands crawling into bed with Kieu My.

“I'm like half-dressed.” Kieu My protests.

“Nothing I haven't seen before.”

“Good morning, Yara,” Alejandro murmurs, awakened by Yara’s entrance.

“Hey, Ale. So, Kieu, when do you want to get ready to go?”

Kieu My hesitates to respond, not having decided on her out. Then she feels Alejandro’s body shift beside her, and she realizes she has the perfect excuse.

“I don’t know if I can go. Ale is here and I think we’re going to hang out. I’ve been so busy with work this past week.”

“Oh, hey, I’m sorry. I thought I told you I had plans with the guys today.” Alejandro finishes putting his T-shirt on and looks at Kieu My with concern. “But if you want me to cancel -”

Kieu My feels a small pang of guilt over trying to use Alejandro as an excuse to avoid this housewarming. She knows that if she asked him to, he would cancel those plans to be with her because he enjoyed their time together.

“No, that's okay! We have plans today, too. Okay, I’m going to get dressed, you get ready too.” Yara gives Kieu My a kiss on the cheek as she hops out of the bed “And then we’ll head out! Bye, Ale, have fun with the guys!”

Kieu My leans back on her pillow defeated. There’s no way out of this now.

“Hey, really, I can cancel if you want to spend today together.” Alejandro has rolled over, face close to Kieu My’s and the look in his eyes is earnest. It only serves to make Kieu My feel more guilty.

“No, don’t cancel for me. Have fun.”

Alejandro’s smile is radiant and he gives Kieu My a thank you kiss before heading out.

***

The slow foggy churning of Kieu My’s mind has her feeling like a zombie, fixated on one thing, but unable to hone in on her thoughts or feelings clearly. She’s lost all awareness of her surroundings, moving through the bustling aisles of the small shop on autopilot; it’s not until she’s bumped into an elderly woman bending down for a carton of milk that she’s brought back to the present moment and she realizes Yara is no longer beside her.

Kieu My offers an apology to the frowning woman and stands to the side, looking up and down the aisle for Yara. She can't remember the last time she saw her, but Kieu My vaguely remembers her mentioning wanting to get flowers for Ismail in addition to the requested orange juice.

It doesn’t take her long to find Yara considering the limited selection of flower bouquets. Kieu My grabs the one with a sprinkling of purple flowers. “Ismail’s favorite color.” Kieu My notes aloud. Or at least it used to be.

“Perfect!” Yara scoops up the bouquet and leads them to the checkout line, deciding to take advantage of the long line, she turns to Kieu My.

“So, you’ve been really busy this week.”

“Yeah, I know.” Kieu My answers briefly, well aware of what Yara is doing.

“Everything okay?”

“Uh huh. Just work, you know.”

“And nothing to do with our night out at Aquarius?”

Kieu My stays silent, feigning interest in a pack of gum.

“You’re not getting out of this, Kieu My. You can’t use Ale or work to escape right now, so c’mon. Talk.”

Kieu My shifts uncomfortably glancing at the other customers in line to pay, everyone consumed in their own affairs and paying no attention to her and Yara.

“I just can’t believe Ismail didn’t tell me they were back in town and out with” Kieu My hesitates, finding it difficult to form the name she hasn’t said in years. “Fatou.”

“To be fair, Kieu My, you set up clear rules about not talking to you about Fatou.”

Kieu My rolls her eyes with annoyance. Yara is right, and Kieu My hates that Yara doesn’t shy away from pointing this out to Kieu My no matter how much she doesn’t want to hear it right now. At least she has the decency to pause their conversation until they’ve finished paying and have made it out of the shop.

“I don’t know that the ‘no Fatou rule’ can go on any longer.”

“It’s been working fine for this long.” Kieu My mutters her sullen mood increasing, she quickens her pace so that she is walking slightly ahead of Yara.

The faster she gets to Ismail’s the faster she can leave. She repeats it over with each step, like a mantra, hoping that it will help prepare her for whatever she’s about to walk into.

Chapter Text

They had walked in silence the rest of the way to Ismail’s apartment. Kieu My’s earlier discomfort at the idea of being in a room with their friends is now a source of relief, hoping that she’ll be able to go unnoticed in the background while Yara is distracted talking to everyone else.

The conversation at the shop was too reminiscent of the first few days following the break up. How everyone wanted to check in on her, ask her how she was doing or share their unsolicited opinions on the matter, while all Kieu My wanted to do was hide from the world.

She doesn’t know how she feels, she doesn’t know what it means that Ismail is in Berlin and apparently so is Fatou. She hasn’t given herself the time to process this alone, which is what she needs before she can even begin to entertain this conversation with anyone else, including Yara. It’s probably what she’d be doing at home right now, if Yara hadn’t convinced her to follow through with her promise to come over.

“You okay?” Ismail asks, still familiar with the nuances of Kieu My’s facial expressions.

“Yeah.” She shoves the orange juice into his hands while Yara gently offers over the bouquet of flowers.

“Gorgeous.” He breathes in the flowers, shutting the door behind them completely unperturbed by Kieu My’s attitude. “Let’s go to the kitchen. We can put these in water and get the mimosas ready."

His voice is upbeat and Kieu My can hear the sound of music playing in the distance, probably the living room. The kitchen, on the other hand, is quiet and the smell of baked goods is strong. Kieu My wonders when Ismail learned how to cook anything.

He was always the worst of the group when it came to cooking. Unsurprisingly, Zoe was the best. Although, best of their group wasn’t really all that great. Especially not when you compared it to the food -

Kieu My doesn’t allow her mind to finish that sentence.

She was used to pushing away thoughts and memories she wasn’t prepared to deal with, but she can’t get rid of the sight before her. Fatou is at the oven, her brow slightly furrowed in concentration as she places the baking pan on the rack, laughing when her thumb slips into one of the wells. “That one will be mine,” she says more to herself, wiping her hands on the apron before offering them a bright eyed greeting that throws Kieu My back to being seventeen.

Of a rainy night where she spent the night at Fatou’s apartment when her parents were out of town and Ilai was at university. Of the smell of pancakes and fresh jam and warm hands holding her close.

Yara’s arm brushes against her own as she moves past Kieu My and pulls her back to present day. She shuts her eyes tightly, trying to blot out the images dancing in her mind, focusing on Yara’s voice.

“Are you making all the food? It smells so good.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t going to let Ismail give us all food poisoning.”

“I wouldn’t have done that! I would have just served mimosas without any food. That still counts as brunch if you ask me.”

“Hmm.”

“Shut up and get me some glasses.”

“Aren’t they in one of these boxes?” Fatou points at the cardboard boxes labeled ‘Kitchen’ with her spatula.

“No, I put them away already, preparing for today.”

“Ismail, you know I can’t reach them.” Fatou strains on her tiptoes trying to get the champagne flutes that are just out of reach.

Kieu My shifts slightly, instinct driving her until she sees Ismail walking towards the cupboard.

“I got it.”

***

Kieu My has sunken into the olive green armchair at the edge of the living room, legs tucked beside her, making herself as unimposing as possible, listening to everyone talk rather than actively engage in the conversation. It’s often how Kieu My behaves in a new setting, standing back to assess everyone and the situation before feeling comfortable enough to engage in it, and although the apartment is filled with familiar faces, the addition of three has completely shifted the dynamic.

It’s clear that Ava and Fatou have remained best friends from the way they tell stories. Kieu My’s lips twitch with the desire to join in their shared laughter. She’s always appreciated how much Ava loved Fatou, even if at times that meant she didn’t particularly like Kieu My.

Kieu My takes another sip of her mimosa, running her hand through her hair nervously. She had hoped to never see Fatou or Ava again, but for two completely different reasons. If Ava had been protective of Fatou when Kieu My unintentionally hurt her before they started dating, she can’t bear to imagine Ava’s reaction when Fatou told her about their breakup.

Ava was definitely the one to soothe all of Fatou’s tears and pain. All the hurt Kieu My had caused when she told Fatou they should break up.

Ava had to have hated her back then.

Kieu My can’t help but worry that she still hates her now.

If she’s harboring any animosity towards Kieu My, she’s hiding it well. Her greetings yesterday and today were completely neutral, polite if not warm.

“So is this the first time the three of you live together?” Nora asks.

“Well, Fatou and I lived together before this.”

“I can’t believe how much convincing it took for them to agree to get a place for the three of us.”

“I can’t believe how much Ismail can’t get over that.” Fatou rolls her eyes and pops another stuffed mushroom into her mouth.

“Why wouldn’t you want to be my roommate?!”

“See!” Josh exclaims at Nora, pointing enthusiastically at Ismail. “It sucks when you ask to move in with someone and they hesitate.”

Nora drops her head into her hands, and Kieu My knows where this is going.

“Moving in together is a big deal, Josh! It only took me a few days to think it over.”

“I’m just glad to have someone who understands my pain.”

“Yeah, that’s not us.” Yara throws an arm over Kieu My’s shoulder. “I told her we were moving in together and she agreed immediately.”

“Agreed? Or you didn’t wait for an answer and just found us an apartment?”

“You moved in, didn’t you?”

***

Kieu My had lost count of how many mimosas she’d had. She had fully expected to only stay long enough to be polite before making up an excuse for having to leave early again, but she’s too engrossed in the stories being exchanged. While she still doesn’t find herself saying much, she’s moved to the edge of her seat, eager not to miss any details of what’s said.

She hadn’t realized how much of Ismail’s life she had missed out on because so many of his stories involved Fatou. Although she had known they had remained friends and had likely grown closer when Ismail found himself living in the same city as Fatou, she had no concept of the depth of their relationship.

He leaned into Fatou, arguing over something pointless, his face animated and slightly red from all the drinks. Five years ago, it would have been Kieu My in that seat, Ismail watching and contemplating how to join the conversation, wanting to make Fatou a proper friend. But now it’s her on the outskirts. Again.

Kieu My stands and nobody seems to notice as she walks away into the kitchen, seeking some solitude. Instead she finds Nora gathering more snacks for everyone else to soak up the alcohol they’ve been drinking.

Kieu My leans across the cool counter, watching Nora fill the tray carefully.

“Hey, Nora. How are you doing?”

“Good. It’s nice to have everyone together. I do wish Zoe was here, though.”

Kieu My laughs at the idea of what it would be like to have Zoe at brunch. Louder. Definitely louder. Her voice would fill the entire apartment as she told stories from her time at university with Kieu My and Yara, careful not to share any stories that Kieu My wouldn’t approve of. And when everyone else was occupied, she’d sit in Kieu My’s lap, refusing to let her completely isolate, checking to make sure she was doing okay.

“How much longer is she going to be in New Zealand for? Whenever I ask, I get the feeling that she’s avoiding the answer. I’m kind of worried that she won’t actually come back.”

“I worry about that too. I know she’s happy there, but I miss her. She’ll probably visit soon and maybe she’ll remember all the reasons she loves Berlin and won’t go back, but . . .” Nora sighs and shrugs her shoulders with uncertainty. “Anyway, how are you?”

It’s the way Nora’s eyes soften when she looks at Kieu My that she realizes Nora isn’t saying all that she wants to, allowing Kieu My to infer her true question - How are you doing being around Fatou?

“Uh, fine, just need to use the restroom.”

Once out of the kitchen, Kieu My takes her time walking down the hallway, finally alone as she had originally hoped for. Her eyes run along the bare walls and the moving boxes tucked into a corner until she stands before the first door. She gently knocks before opening it, not wanting to intrude on anyone if she’s found the restroom on her first try. It’s a bedroom. Mostly bare, hardly anything unpacked, but the bedding screams Ismail.

Kieu My meanders to the second door, this one slightly ajar. The sheets are a plain white, the desk and dresser still bare. She’s leaning further into the room to see more when a voice startles her.

“This is my room.”

“Oh,” Kieu My looks back into the bedroom. “I don’t know if I would have guessed that. It’s so tidy.”

Fatou laughs and the sound draws Kieu My’s attention away from the bedroom.

“Well, we have just moved in, so I haven’t had the time to make it my space yet.”

The sound of her laugh had made Kieu My’s heart skip a beat, a familiar sense of satisfaction at being able to elicit that sound arises and Kieu My suddenly feels self conscious. The effects of the mimosas, beginning to lessen in the presence of Fatou.

“Makes sense.” She murmurs.

They stand there quietly, staring into the bedroom, side by side. Kieu My keeps her eyes at the window across from the door, tracing the window sill and the frame. She’s trying to ignore the way the skin at the back of her neck prickles, acutely aware that Fatou’s eyes are on her.

Until Fatou breaks the silence.

“Ismail is really excited to be back in the same city as you.”

Kieu My nods, letting Fatou know she’s listening even if she can’t muster up the courage to look at her. At least not directly. Out of her periphery, she can see Fatou scratch at her head before gently tapping it.

Something that hasn’t changed.

She still scratches at her forehead when she’s lost for words. She still cooks better than anyone Kieu My knows.

She’s still absolutely beautiful.

Kieu My inhales deeply, closing her eyes in frustration over her last thought.

“And, um. I know it’s, we haven’t,” Fatou exhales, still struggling to find the words. “Do you think it’s possible for us to try and be friends?”

The surprise finally causes Kieu My to look at Fatou.

“Friends?”

“Yeah. I live with Ismail and all of your friends are also my friends and I just thought, but if you don’t -”

Her words have picked up pace and she’s unable to look at Kieu My any longer, stopping only when Kieu My interrupts.

“No, um. I think that would be good, if you’re . . .”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Okay.” Kieu My nods and they’re silent again for a few moments.

“I, uh, I’m gonna go back, but the restroom’s that way.”

“Thanks.”

She waits until Fatou is out of sight before proceeding to the open door leading to the restroom. Kieu My stares at herself in the mirror, asking herself ‘What the fuck did she just agree to?’

Chapter Text

The shopping bags aren’t particularly heavy, but after walking several blocks to find the restaurant Ismail wanted to eat at, has the clothing she’d purchased beginning to feel like a set of weights straining against her thin arms. At this point, she’d gladly stop anywhere, if for no reason other than having a place to sit down.

“This is so much further than you said it would be, Ismail.”

“We’re already here.” Ismail points at the patio of a small restaurant.

Kieu My was about to protest the idea of eating outside. Even with heat lamps scattered throughout, she didn’t anticipate a comfortable eating experience in this weather. But before she can say anything, Ismail has requested a table indoors and Kieu My remembers that they both run cold. She breathes a sigh of relief once they’re in the warm building and she can finally sit down to rest.

The menu is short, but the items all sound delicious, and she understands why Ismail insisted they eat here rather than any of the dozen restaurants they’d passed on their way here. He couldn’t pass up the opportunity for a beautiful and delicious meal.

“It’s so good to be back in Berlin. And to be in the same city as you again.”

“I still think you could have told me you were moving back, Ismail.”

“I didn’t know how! But I guess that all worked itself out.”

“You’re just lucky I’ve missed you too much to really be mad at you.”

“Could you ever really be mad at this face?”

Ismail rests his head on his hands, lips puckered for an air kiss. It has the desired effect, and Kieu My laughs.

“I could. But not right now. Right now, I’m just glad to have you back. And I’m also really excited for these tacos.”

“So good,” Ismail responds around a mouthful.

“You know, I thought you weren’t going to actually show up to my apartment this past weekend. Figured you’d just ignore me until it was over.”

“Trust me, I thought about it.”

“So how was it? How are you doing?”

“Hmm, what do you mean?”

“C’mon, Kieu My. You know what I mean. How are you dealing with Fatou?”

She takes her time savoring her drink, considering what exactly she should reveal.

“Well, I can’t believe you live with her. And that you didn’t tell me that when you invited me over.”

“I knew you’d find out then. Why upset you earlier than it needed to happen.” Ismail shrugs unapologetically.

“I didn’t realize you all got so close. I mean, I’ve seen her on your Instagram before, but moving back to Berlin and together. With Ava, too. I didn’t expect any of that.”

“You know I’ve always liked Fatou. And I don’t know, when I moved to Hamburg, we became real, proper friends.

“She asked if we could try and be friends.” Kieu My admits and Ismail coughs on his drink.

“Really? When?”

“She didn’t tell you? It was at brunch, when I went to find the restroom.”

“What did you say?”

“Sure. What else was I supposed to say? I wasn’t expecting that at all.”

Kieu My pushes her food around on her plate, creating a small mound of rice only to spread it out again.

“Honestly, I expected her to never want to talk to me again.” Kieu My’s eyes don’t leave her plate, unable to look at Ismail. It’s something she’s thought of from time to time. That if they were to ever see each other again, if Kieu My ever tried to contact her, that it would all be futile. Because after their breakup, Kieu My couldn’t imagine a world in which Fatou would be willing to talk to her again.

“She’s had a lot of time to heal.” Ismail’s voice is unusually low, choosing his words carefully knowing he’s walking into a possible minefield. “She was really heartbroken when you ended things.”

“Ismail.” Kieu My warns.

“I’m sorry, but you’ve never talked about it. Or at least not with me.”

Kieu My drops her fork and stares out the window, wishing she was far from here. The memories that she’s stuffed away into the deep recesses of her mind have been pushing at the seams, insistent upon her reliving them. The pressure growing with each day that’s passed since she locked eyes with Fatou at Aquarius.

She was really heartbroken.

Ismail says this as if Kieu My wasn’t well aware of that. She was the one who knew that more deeply than anyone else did. She was the one who cast a shadow on Fatou’s usually exuberant face - a look that she’ll never be able to forget.

She was the reason Fatou’s brow furrowed so deeply, trying to wrap her mind around the words Kieu My had breathed out weakly. She was the one who had to see comprehension dawn on Fatou’s face, her eyes brimming with tears, begging Kieu My to tell her she’d heard her wrong, that it was some type of cruel joke meant to make their separation for university easier. She was the one who had to watch Fatou’s heart break at her doing and just sit back to watch it shatter, fighting every impulse in her body to try and put it all back together.

Kieu My shuts her eyes, but it does nothing to dull the image, just as vivid as if she was back at that park all those years ago.

Kieu My runs her hands down her legs, feeling the denim jeans underneath her fingertips, reminding herself that it’s long over with. Rationalizing with her emotions so that the tears don’t come.

Fatou’s had time to heal. That’s good.

Kieu My’s had time to learn how to push everything away.

It’s only a few seconds that felt like forever before Kieu My breathes in and returns her gaze to Ismail. Yara was right. Fatou was back, everything was different, and she was going to have to learn how to talk about Fatou again.

“Because it hurts too much, Ismail.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to hurt you. But we’re all here now, and well did you mean it?”

“Mean what?”

“When you told Fatou that you all could be friends again?”

Kieu My considers if they had ever really been friends. If there had ever been a time in which they had been aware of the other’s existence without at least some tint of affection.

“Yeah, I missed you and I don’t think it’s possible to avoid her anymore. And I didn’t realize how much of your life I was missing out on, too. So tell me more.”

***

“Hold on, I need to change the timer!”

“This is harder without Zoe. Let’s just take a selfie.”

“But my shoes, they need to be in this.”

Ismail practices his poses while Kieu My sets the phone up properly against a brick building. As much as he loved Fatou and Ava, neither one of them was the type to indulge him in his desire to have mini photo shoots for every mundane activity in the day.

Neither Kieu My nor Ismail balk when they have to readjust the camera or move to another spot with better lighting or backdrop. It’s all part of the fun, their camera rolls filling with a mix of magazine worthy shots and blurry disasters.

The laughter continues until they’re at the train station, squeezing each other tightly, still not familiar with saying a goodbye that doesn’t mean months without seeing each other.

“You’re going to come over for movie night, right?” Ismail calls out from the train just before the doors shut on him.

Kieu My yells out a yes, nodding dramatically so Ismail can see her even if he can’t hear her anymore.

He puts his thumbs up and smiles widely, knowing that the next time they see each other is just around the corner.

***

“Well, you look very happy.” Yara informs Kieu My who has practically bounced into the living room.

“I don’t think I even realized how much I missed Ismail. Which sounds crazy, when you think about how close we were before Uni.”

Yara opens her mouth to say something, but quickly shuts her mouth. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t speak the words. Kieu My knows her well enough to have a fair guess at what she wanted to say. Most likely a reminder that when Kieu My decided the best way to heal after her breakup was to pretend as though the past didn’t exist meant more than just cutting out Fatou.

“You were right.”

“Of course I was. But about what specifically, this time?”

“That it’s time to retire the ‘No talking about Fatou’ rule. Especially since . . . Fatou asked if we could be friends, and I said yes.”

“Wait what?!”

The magazine Yara had been reading flies to the ground as she leans forward, urging Kieu My to say more.

And so she does. For the first time in five years, Kieu My is willingly talking about Fatou. She tells Yara all about the way her heart beat in her chest, unclear if it was excitement or fear or a mixture of both, on the night they ran into Fatou. She recounts every detail of their conversation in the apartment hallway leading to her decision to try and be friends. Kieu My even opens up to Yara about her uncertainty in how to follow through with this, what a friendship with an ex would, could even look like.

If the past will just stay there, the memories locked away. If everyone can just start fresh from this moment on, Kieu My thinks she can do this. She can have Ismail back in her life without his having to keep things back from her. She can learn how to be Fatou’s friend.

Maybe everything will be okay.

“Wait, you told Ismail about Fatou asking you to be friends already? Does this mean, I’m getting pushed out of the best friend spot? I just got to this spot, and it’s only because Zoe left our last year of Uni.”

Kieu My smiles at Yara’s ability to always find a way to lighten the mood of a conversation. She pulls Yara into her arms and places a kiss at her temple, arms wrapped tight around her.

“You’re not being replaced. I love you both, differently.”

Yara hums unhappily, while placing her arms over Kieu My’s so she’s holding her tighter.

“That’s what a mother says to her children, but we all know it’s a lie.”

“Do you love Josh more than me?”

“Oh, absolutely.” Yara laughs at Kieu My’s scoff, trying to fight the way she’s pushing her away in displeasure. “I’m kidding, you’re right, it’s not the same.”

***

When Kieu My falls into bed that night, she feels as though she’s laying in a bed of clouds. She stretches out, taking up as much space as she can, reveling in the airy sensation. Falling asleep tonight promises to be quick and easy.

She turns off her bedside lamp and is silencing her phone when she sees Instagram notifications she has yet to dismiss.

As is usual for Ismail, he has posted a combination of chaotic photos and a few good photos of them together. Whereas her Instagram only shows the best photos from their afternoon together. Despite this, Kieu My thinks she likes Ismail’s choices better. Even if her bangs were awkwardly flying about, the smile on her face in his post is the most lighthearted smile she’s seen on her face in a while.

She’s about to put her phone down when it vibrates and she realizes that she has forgotten to silence it.

Another Instagram notification that she planned on swiping away.

FaFatouuu is now following her.

Chapter Text

The smell of coffee wafting into Kieu My’s bedroom alerts her to the fact morning has arrived and she should give up her attempt to fall into a restful sleep. It’s unclear how much sleep she got through the night, her thoughts too consumed by questions about Fatou’s decision to follow her on Instagram again.

Last night's assessment that they could be friends seems ridiculously naive after she was faced with a simple facet of most modern friendships - social media following.

She has no idea when Fatou stopped following her Instagram, having severed that part of their connection immediately after their breakup. History had proven to Kieu My that she had no self control when it came to Fatou. They had decided not to count their week of silence in the beginning of their relationship as a breakup, but in that period of uncertainty, Kieu My spent most of her days and nights stalking Fatou’s social media. Every post made her ache with missing her, reinforcing all her fears that their relationship was on the brink of no return.

When their relationship truly ended before university, Kieu My knew that if she didn’t cut off all connections to Fatou, she’d never move on. So that’s what she did. She unfollowed her, deleted every photo of her, did everything she could to try and erase Fatou from her life, hoping this would help.

And even though she spent many nights with her fingers hovering over the search bar, she was able to keep herself from ever following through. Now that Fatou is following her again, she knows it’s only a matter of time before she gives in and spends all of her day going through Fatou’s old posts.

Yara's sing-song voice calls out to Kieu My, interrupting her thoughts and urging her out of bed with the promise of a cup of coffee waiting for her.

“Why are you in such a good mood this early?”

“I don't know. Just am.”

Yara dances around the kitchen to the music flowing out of her phone, too full of energy to simply stand while waiting for the pan to heat up on the stove. It’s too much for Kieu My to even witness. She closes her eyes in exhaustion, hands wrapped around the warm mug of perfectly made coffee.

“I think I'm going to get dinner with Josh after work today. Do you want to come?”

“Just you two?”

“No, I think Nora is inviting Fatou and Ava.”

“I think I’m going to hang with Ale later.”

“So does this mean you’ve given up on breaking up with him?”

Kieu My scrunches her nose, frustrated with her own uncertainty around the matter. She whimpers, rather than answer, letting her head rest on the countertop. She’s waiting to hear Yara begin her lecture, but it never comes. Kieu My opens one eye slightly, checking to see what has impeded Yara.

“You’re not going to say anything?”

“You get a pass today,” Yara informs her and Kieu My hums in acknowledgment, too tired to be anything more than grateful.

***

It had taken all of Kieu My's effort to ring the bell without dropping any of the Thai take away she was balancing in her arms. If Ismail did not open the door soon she was worried it would splatter to the floor.

Kieu My yells out his name through the door, more so out of frustration than believing he would be able to hear her from outside, which she soon regrets when his neighbors pause to stare at her before they continue on their way out.

She's considering trying to knock on the door with her foot when it opens slowly.

"Finally! I was really out there plotting your murder."

"Wow, that's intense."

“Oh, sorry. I meant Ismail. He never answered and," Kieu My looks down at her still full arms.

"Oh, here," Fatou takes the tea out of her hands, walking them over to the living room.

"Sorry we were singing and distracting him, I just heard you yell when I went to the kitchen." Fatou holds back a laugh.

Kieu My might have been embarrassed if she wasn't so focused on the other part of that sentence.

“You still sing?”

“Yeah, Ava and I both do.”

“I bet it’s amazing.”

“Th-thanks.”

“Um, are you all going to watch the movie with us? Ismail didn’t say, I’m not sure if I ordered enough food, but, we could order more.”

Kieu My realizes that she’s talking too much in an effort to recover from her last statement. She always seems to find herself at either a complete loss for words or saying too much to compensate for her moments of quiet. She needs Fatou to say something or she’s sure she’ll start talking again.

“Actually, Ava and I are going out to get dinner. If she ever finishes getting ready!” Fatou yells out towards the hallway for Ava to hear. “What are you all watching?”

“Knowing Ismail, some weird comedy.”

“Oh, you’re letting them choose? I’m sorry for you.”

Kieu My laughs, knowing Fatou is right. For as much as she and Ismail have in common and can relate to, their types of movies have never aligned.

“I missed him, so I guess I can put up with it. Just for tonight.”

The sounds of footsteps rushing down the hallway interrupts their conversation.

“I’m ready, Fatou.”

"Oh, shit, when did you get here?"

Both look surprised to see Kieu My standing in the apartment. Ava's assertive demeanor seems to slip away, her smile tense once she registers that Kieu My is there. Whereas Ismail recovers quickly. He begins to rummage through the bags, pulling out the food, unfazed when Kieu My informs him,

"At 6:30 like we agreed!"

“You ready, Chibi?"

"Yeah, uh, have a good night.”

Fatou waves a goodbye and Kieu My waits until she hears the click of the door, signaling that they are gone. She joins Ismail on the sofa already digging into the food.

“So, Ava seemed tense?”

Ismail shrugs, eyes still trained on the food, suspiciously quiet.

“I knew it wasn't in my head! What happened?” Kieu My asks.

“Uh, well, I, basically I assumed Ava knew that Fatou had decided to try and be friends with you, but apparently she hadn't and well Ava-”

“Hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you. She’s just Fatou’s best friend. She worries. It's not a big deal, she just found out today so she's probably still feeling weird, but it's fine.”

"Hmm."

"Stop thinking about it."

"I'm not," Kieu My argues, her lying completely pointless as Ismail looks at her knowingly. "Just press play already."

***

The movie served as a good distraction. Between the movie itself and teasing Ismail for his choice, Kieu My is having a good time.

It's not until a scene depicting the common trope of drunk dialing someone that her thoughts return to Ava.

Kieu My had deleted Fatou’s phone number quickly after their break up, worried that in a moment of weakness she’d call her. She hadn’t realized that Fatou’s number had somehow been memorized over the course of their relationship. No matter how much she tried to forget the string of numbers that had promised to connect her to Fatou regardless of distance, she couldn’t.

She remembers that it was just after Halloween and Kieu My had been having a particularly hard time. Even though Fatou hated horror movies, she loved dressing up for Halloween and was always more than willing to do a couple’s costume with her.

Zoe and Yara had insisted Kieu My attend a house party with them, but no matter how much she drank, she couldn’t stop the pain in her heart. Her friends, occupied by a game of beer pong, gave her the opportunity to slip away, back to her dorm, where she promptly crawled into bed, crying into her pillow.

Her tear filled eyes blurred her vision as she tried to make out which of her friends was calling her phone. She knew she’d have to answer or there would soon be knocking at her door, making sure that she was home safely. They would know better than to ask if she was okay. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt okay.

But it isn’t Zoe. Or Yara. It was an unsaved number that Kieu My quickly registered despite not having seen it for weeks. Weak and inebriated, Kieu My impulsively hits the answer button before she can talk herself out of it.

The sounds are muffled and incomprehensible and Kieu My’s eyes begin to water again. It was a butt dial.

She can’t bring herself to hang up. Kieu My presses the phone closer to her ear, hoping that she’ll hear Fatou’s voice, even if it’s distant and too faint to understand. What she hears instead is the sniffling that always accompanied Fatou’s crying, then a croaking voice pleading with someone not to take the phone.

She recognizes Ava’s voice immediately, soft and low in her attempts to soothe Fatou’s cries. Kieu My bites her lips to keep from crying out.

There’s a crinkling sound, the phone moving until she hears Ava’s voice loud and clear, speaking into the phone.

“Kieu My.”

She holds her breath, not daring to say anything.

Ava lets out a heavy sigh before continuing.

“Can you please just call her back tomorrow. Give her some closure? At least give her that.”

Ava hangs up the phone and Kieu My lets out the sob she’d been holding in. Her hand hovered over the call button, wanting to speak to her now, to beg Fatou to stop crying, and reassure her that everything would be okay. To take everything back.

But she doesn’t.

***

Kieu My wonders if Fatou is having a similar resurgence of memories lately. The moments at Aquarius when they were staring at each other felt heavy, but otherwise Fatou has seemed . . . so very her. Her laughter always nearby, the dimples at her cheeks visible, smiling at whatever the group is talking about. Ismail appears to be correct. Fatou has healed. And if that’s true, then maybe Kieu My doesn’t have to let the guilt of old memories consume her.

“Okay, can we watch Love Island now?” Ava picks the remote up off the end table and takes a seat in the living room. Fatou joining soon thereafter.

“Yeah, we finished the movie, and this is just on.”

“How was the movie?”

“Oh, it was good - well, a good pick for Ismail, I mean.”

“It was good, period. You all just have bad taste.”

“Yeah, okay,” Fatou responds sarcastically.

“I don’t need to be attacked like this, in my own home.”

“Calm down, drama queen.”

“Please, let’s focus on their drama.” Ava points at the couple on screen. Her comment is directed at everyone, but Kieu My feels like Ava’s glare is particularly focused on her.

“Oh, I should probably head home.”

“Yeah?”

“You sure?”

Ava remains quiet, eyes trained on the television, only murmuring a goodbye when Kieu My confirms that she’ll be leaving.

***

It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough. If Kieu My could handle the old memories coming back. And if she and Fatou could spend time together without the past completely haunting their interactions, then maybe she was ready.

Kieu My clicks on Fatou’s Instagram, telling herself that she’ll only look at the most recent three posts. She won’t allow herself to scroll further.

Graffiti Art. A cat. Group photo with Ava and Ismail.

Kieu My presses the follow button, taking in a deep breath before putting her phone aside.

She can do this.

Chapter Text

Kieu My had never been easy at making friends, a product of her lack of trust in others more than her own personality. A daughter of immigrants, Kieu My quickly learned that not all people were kind, that people didn’t always say what they meant, that the best way to stay safe was to keep her guard up. When she did let someone in, she was a loyal and caring friend. Generous with her time and energy. But not many people proved worth letting in.

And although she’d made some friends in college, she’d never made the type of friend she kept up with after their four years. Nobody that she would spend her nights staying up all night baring her secrets and her soul to.

She had Yara and Zoe and that had felt like enough. And then when she moved back to Berlin, her circle grew a little wider with Nora and Josh. And now that Ismail is back, too, Berlin is starting to feel more like home again.

Lying in bed, on the brink of sleep, these faces fill her thoughts, replaying the course of the weekend.

Zoe and Yara.

Nora and Josh.

Ismail.

Fatou.

The sound of the rain outside seeps into her dreams.

Kieu My is watching the rain fall through the trees, finding comfort in its beauty as long as she’s not caught in it. A pair of warm hands snake around her waist and a kiss is placed at her bare shoulder. She can feel Fatou’s smile in her kiss.

The rain grows louder and when Fatou spins Kieu My around, they’re now in the courtyard of Zoe’s flat. The rain doesn’t seem to make contact - or maybe it’s just that they don’t care. Everyone is laughing and dancing.

It’s their first Halloween together.

A clap of thunder has them running for cover, the warm hand leading her away has disappeared and now she’s alone in the dark. There are tears streaming down her face.

And then Fatou is there, comforting her, apologizing for being so distant - Fatou didn't get into university at Munich like Kieu My had.

Kieu My takes in a shaky breath processing that this past week of moving between silence or stupid fights was because of this, not because -

The dream shifts again, but this time everything feels so clear.

Fatou has been so engrossed in telling Kieu My a story about her last day at the pet shop she’s been working at, she hasn’t noticed that Kieu My’s growing more and more withdrawn as Fatou grows more animated.

In just one week, they’ll be saying goodbye and Kieu My won’t be able to see this face every day. She won’t see Fatou light up when she tells her about all of the new things she’s experiencing at university. She won’t be a part of that life.

The last few weeks Kieu My has been playing over their departure, what the first month at school will be like. Predicting that Fatou will easily make friends and be too busy for her. And no matter how much Fatou reassures her that they’ll make time for each other, no matter how many plans they’ve put into place, Kieu My can’t stop her mind from running to what seems like the inevitable.

They’re going to break up.

If not immediately, then on their first break from school. Things will be awkward. They’ll have grown and changed. The mere thought of this always sends Kieu My into tears, pacing her bedroom, trying to tell herself that she’s wrong, that their relationship will survive the distance.

But lately, she’s been losing this argument with herself. Remembering the pain she felt when she’d almost lost Fatou when they first started dating. The sleepless nights, the pit in her stomach. If it hurt that much then, she can’t bear to think of how much it will hurt after another year of dating.

The odds are against them. Everything says they’re going to break up.

“Kieu My?” Fatou asks, noticing that Kieu My’s completely lost in her own thoughts.

The lump in her throat grows.

This wasn’t the plan.

And yet.

Fatou reaches out to hold Kieu My’s hand, but she pulls away. It would only weaken her resolve.

Kieu My closes her eyes and swallows, finding the cold mask she thought she’d lost to Fatou’s warmth.

“We should break up.”

Fatou’s brow furrows with confusion, having heard the words but not understanding them. Kieu My repeats herself.

“We should end things now.”

She stares at the top of Fatou’s forehead, unable to look her in the eyes. If she focuses on the creases there, she’s less likely to cry or back down. It’s the only way she can hold her composure, as she hears Fatou open and close her mouth, trying to find words.

It’s when she hears the sharp inhale that she looks down and sees understanding in Fatou’s eyes.

“But we- we - why? Kieu My, don’t. Don’t do this.”

Fatou reaches her hands back out, knowing that if she can just hold Kieu My then maybe they can talk it out, but Kieu My pulls away again.

“Really, Fatou. I just. I don’t see the point.”

“The point?” Fatou wipes away the tears that have fallen down her cheeks, resting at her nose which is starting to run. “You can’t, Kieu My, you can’t mean this.”

She doesn’t answer, focusing on removing the bracelet she’s worn every day since their first Christmas together. The sun and moon charm bracelet that was her favorite gift from Fatou. She can feel Fatou watching her, knowing what’s coming, and yet she still lets out a cry when Kieu My places it in her open palm.

Kieu My doesn’t bother saying goodbye as she walks away, not wanting Fatou to hear the pain in her voice. She doesn’t want Fatou to know that the second Kieu My turned around, the tears were also streaming down her own face, the lump in her throat growing.

She doesn’t turn around when Fatou calls out to her.

She doesn’t answer the texts or the calls.

Not that night. Not the next, when she left for Munich a whole week early.

Kieu My jolts awake in bed, the lump in her throat present as her eyes fill with tears.

Kieu My doesn’t bother trying to compose herself before rushing into Yara’s room and crawling into her bed.

It takes Yara just a moment to register that Kieu My is crying.

“Was it -”

“Mmhmm.”

Yara hushes her sobs, and pulls her closer. It had been years since Kieu My had run into her bed, crying like this.

“I’m the worst person, Yara. How could I have . . .”

“You were scared. You were young.”

“That’s no excuse.”

“No, but it’s the truth.”

Kieu My lets out a shaky breath, the grip of the dream starting to loosen. She lays in Yara’s arms thinking about her past choices, the consequences of her decisions, wondering what would have been if she had stuck to the plan.

“Why does she even want to be friends with me?”

Yara is silent for a moment and Kieu My wonders if she’s fallen back asleep. Or maybe she just doesn’t have an answer for her, because it makes no sense that Fatou would be able to forgive her. No matter the times Fatou had reassured Kieu My that there was nothing she could do that she wouldn’t be able to forgive. She’d completely understand if Fatou hated her for the rest of their lives. It’s what she expected.

“You can’t change the past, Kieu. You can only try to learn from it. Grow. Do better. If she wants to be friends, and if you do too, be a good friend to her.”

Yara strokes the hair at Kieu My’s temple, letting her tears soak into her shirt, until Kieu My takes in a few steadying breaths, Kieu My’s grip at the hem of Yara’s shirt loosening.

“Thanks. Can I stay here?”

“Yeah, but get your cold feet away from me.”

Kieu My wipes away the last of her tears and lets the rain pull her back into a dreamless sleep.

Chapter Text

Kieu My was on her second cup of coffee, trying to fight back the yawns from her poor night's rest. Although her dreams had returned to normal, she couldn’t stop the worry that other memories might decide to suddenly show up in her subconscious. So she spent each night fighting her sleep until the morning light shocked her into awareness and she was rushing to make it to work on time.

Nobody in her office would be able to tell that Kieu My spent her morning commute running to the train, brushing down her flyaway hair. The only cracks to her composed demeanor are her weary eyes.

Yara had told her to be a good friend, but Kieu My hasn't been able to determine what that means. If it was anyone else, she’d know what to do. Listen to their problems, give them advice, spend quality time together, she could probably come up with a hundred ways to be a good friend for anyone but Fatou.

Kieu My clicks out of her email and pulls up her internet browser. How to be friends with an ex. She skims over the article names, opting not to click on the one whose description includes the words “narcissist” and “psychopath”. Each article she clicks on reads almost identically. Make sure enough time has passed, set up boundaries, all the what not to dos, but nothing about what to actually do.

Exasperated, she trades her computer for her cell phone, allowing Instagram story after Instagram story to play, hardly even registering the images floating across her screen until she hears Ismail’s laughter as a hand shoves the phone away. The phone is pulled back and Fatou comes into focus, groaning as she pulls the blanket over her face, trying to hide her frown and tired eyes.

Still not a morning person.

“Just do something.” Kieu My directs herself, exhausted by her indecisions and lack of action. The articles all mentioned reaching out to talk in small, insignificant ways. Kieu My finds the cat photo Fatou had posted yesterday and double taps to like it. She adds a comment, 🐈⬛ + ☀️ = ☺️.

Simple.

***

The facade of the old building is a familiar one to Kieu My. She walks past it every morning on her way to work and then again at the end of the day where the sidewalk is littered with a very specific type of people making their way to the entrance. Converted into a bar/restaurant that she never thought she would see the interior of, but tonight she’s with Alejandro and she’s reminded of his fancy finance job.

Once inside, Kieu My’s eyes skim over the space filled with Alejandro’s well dressed colleagues. There are servers working their way through the throng, offering champagne and appetizers. The smell wafts towards them, and Kieu My’s stomach reminds her that she hasn’t had dinner yet.

She grabs onto her stomach self consciously, turning to see if Alejandro had been able to hear the grumble. His eyes are already on her, but it’s a look of affection.

“Thanks for coming with me.”

“Of course.”

It was the second time Alejandro had invited Kieu My to one of his work events. The first time had been too soon after they had started dating, and Kieu My was quick to decline. But this time, they’re a couple, and if she's trying to lean into what it means to be a girlfriend, it was clear that she had to accept. He’d been so thrilled at the prospect of sharing a part of his life with Kieu My, that she had begun to feel that excitement too.

Kieu My squeezes Alejandro's arm, a request that he continue directing them through the crowd.

“Do you mind if we take a break from mingling and sit at the bar?”

“No, of course not. I'm going to go to the restroom, though. I'll meet you there in a bit.”

Kieu My nods in agreement, turning her sights on the nearly empty bar, offering polite smiles to those she passed by until she takes a seat, drained from all the socializing. Alejandro was clearly in his element, exchanging stories and charming everyone with ease, but this was not Kieu My’s idea of a great time. Having to plaster on a smile and make small talk with people she otherwise would avoid completely.

They've been so busy working their way around the room, Kieu My hadn't had the opportunity to get any food or drink. Which she was quick to remedy at the bar ordering a tequila shot followed by a gin fizz.

It almost looks too pretty to drink. Kieu My adjusts the sprig of rosemary and places an appetizer next to the glass before posting the cocktail to her Instagram story.

How's your date?

Still deciding
How are all the finance bros?

Not bad actually
open bar and good food too

Kieu My takes a few more dishes from the passing servers and looks out for Alejandro. If he doesn't return soon she's going to start eating everything without him.

Her phone lights up and she gives up trying to spot Alejandro.

Fatou reacted to your story.

It's a drool face emoji, and it makes her laugh, easily imagining the look on Fatou's face. She's always been such a foodie. Cooking. Eating. If Fatou had been here, the food would have taken first priority.

It tastes even better than it looks

Jealous
Ismail's trying to cook 😔

Oh no!
What's he making?

An "original creation"

Noooo

Kieu My laughs to herself, careful not to spill her drink. It's too bad she can't magic over some of this food to Fatou, having eaten enough to calm the rumblings of her stomach, she'd gladly share.

For some reason she holds back on saying this to Fatou and the elation she’d felt at the natural back and forth of their conversation has given way to uncertainty over how to continue. Her fingers drum against the screen, not allowing it to time out into darkness, waiting for Kieu My to figure out what to say next.

Maybe he'll set the flat on fire
Then I won't have to eat it

That would work
But also then you wouldn't have a flat

Hmm that's true
So smart
Bag cvsdddd

Kieu My re-reads the last message from Fatou, perplexed as to what she meant.

Sorry, Ismail kicked me out of the kitchen
Literally

🤣 He's going to regret it
I bet you'll end up ordering take out

Ava's already on it haha

The food here is good but I'm going to need a real meal
I wonder if the servers realize how much food I've taken
Do you think there's a limit?!

Kieu My looks around, to see if anyone has noticed just how many appetizers she’s eaten all by herself. There’s nobody paying attention to her. There’s just a guy at the bar trying to look inconspicuous as he takes a seat next to a pair of women. Kieu My shudders with relief that he didn’t approach her.

She signals to the bartender that she's ready for her next drink, this time posing for a selfie to add to her feed. Kieu My opts for the picture with a small smile at her lips rather than her usual aloof pose.

Eating. Drinking. A pleasant conversation.

It’s easy to feel so content right now.

Kieu My inhales deeply, the effects of her second drink starting to kick in and she realizes she’s ready to go to sleep.

"So it turns out, there are three bars."

"Oh, hey."

"Sorry I kept you waiting. People kept wanting to talk and three bars, and of course you're at the last one I check."

Kieu My shakes her head at him, letting him know there's no need to apologize. She'd been more than happy to spend the rest of her evening on her own. He hadn't kept her waiting at all.

***

“Open up!” Ismail bangs on the door to his apartment.

“I can’t believe you forgot your keys, Ismail. What if nobody is home.”

“Hmm,” he considers. “Then we’ll have to break in. Or go to your apartment until one of them rescues me.”

“With all of this?” Kieu My points at the bags on the floor surrounding them. It had been enough work getting everything to Ismail’s apartment on the train, she wasn’t looking forward to having to move it all to her place.

“Did you text them?”

“Of course I did.”

The door swings open and puts an end to their bickering.

“Ah, Fatou, thank you. Here, take a bag.”

Fatou accepts the bags held out for her, attempting to peek inside.

“What did you buy? This is a lot of stuff. Hey, Kieu My.”

“Hi!” Kieu My greets a little more enthusiastically than she intended.

“It’s for my bedroom. Where’s Ava, she’ll appreciate everything I bought.”

“She’s visiting her Mom this weekend. And I resent that. I can appreciate what you bought!”

“Fatou,” Ismail walks past her to his bedroom, “your blanket has cats on it.”

“Shut up.”

Fatou follows after Kieu My and Ismail, placing the bags in the center of the room before lying back on Ismail’s bed, watching as the two begin to unpack everything. There are some picture frames, a lamp, and a throw blanket. Ismail pauses and she realizes he is staring at her.

“Huh?”

“You’re not going to help?”

“I don’t know if I can help. You know my lack of style a-” Fatou yelps when the pillow in Ismail’s hand is flung in her direction, which is immediately followed by all three of their laughter.

“What can I do?”

“Can you build this little table?”

“Ismail, you took these?” Kieu My lifts the photographs he had asked her to place in the new frames.

“Yeah.”

“Wow.” The buildings in these photos were impressive on their own, but the way he had captured them was something beyond that had her staring in awe. “I didn’t realize you were this good.”

Ismail snickers quietly, “Thanks. These are my favorites. I have them in color, too, but the black and white, I don’t know. It’s just better.”

“Definitely, they’re so beautiful.”

“Uh,” Fatou hesitates to interrupt, but she’s staring at the pieces of the table before her and realizes she can’t continue alone. “Can I get some help?”

“You help her, Kieu My. I’ll hang these up.”

Kieu My takes a seat on the ground beside Fatou, trying to assess what’s going wrong, but she’s too distracted by the chaos Fatou has been working in. Screws and tools are scattered throughout and the piece in Fatou’s hand doesn’t look like it’s meant to be added to the frame just yet.

“Fatou, did you read the instructions?”

She rubs her hand across her hair before giving Kieu My the answer she’d already suspected.

“No, but to be fair, how do you ‘read’ these?”

“Okay,” Kieu My opens the instruction booklet to the first page. “Let’s organize the tools first.”

“So, it sounds like you’ve also spent some time decorating your room? No longer an empty space?”

“Yeah, it took a while to unpack all the boxes and then I bought some new things.”

“Like the cat blanket?” Kieu My tries to hold back her smirk as she hands Fatou the final screw for the table.

“They have moustaches. It’s very cute.”

Fatou keeps her attention on the table, but Kieu My can see Fatou’s dimple from this angle, a clear indicator that she’s also smiling. She stays silent, holding the table in place as Fatou works until the screw is flush with the wood. And when Fatou sets the table upright to admire the work they accomplished together, Kieu My joins her.

“Do you want to see it?”

“Hmm?”

“The blanket, well my room? Last time it was empty, but now it’s actually my room. And, well, there’s the super cute moustached cats blanket that I have to defend.”

“True. I have to see this blanket now.”

They cross the short distance to Fatou’s bedroom, and this time Kieu My isn’t standing at the door frame, peeking into an unknown space. This time, Fatou holds the door wide open, welcoming her, inviting her to step in, sharing a part of her. The room has undergone a significant transformation and Kieu My’s eyes can’t find where to settle amid all of the changes to take in.

It’s not exactly like the room of Fatou’s teenage years, and yet it feels so reminiscent of it at the same time. Instead of stuffed animals on her bed, the jewelry dish on Fatou’s end table features a deer and she notices bookends in the shape of a snake. The deep tones of the bedding and candles on her dresser feel as warm as Fatou has always felt.

“See,” Fatou walks over to her bed and straightens out the disheveled blanket. “Cute.”

Kieu My looks away from the wall of photographs, pictures of Fatou she’d never seen before, memories she had no part of. She assesses the blanket in Fatou’s hands and then at Fatou herself.

“You’re right. Too cute.”

She wishes she was only talking about the blanket.

“I know it’s not as sophisticated as Ismail’s room, but I like my room.”

“It’s very you.” Kieu My looks away before she continues, “I like it, too.”

Fatou’s room had just a moment ago felt like the warmth of the sun on your skin after being in a slightly too cold room, just perfection. But now, it’s beginning to feel suffocating. Kieu My is too aware of the fact that it’s the first time alone together since they agreed to a friendship and she’s trying to remember what the articles had said about time completely alone with your ex girlfriend slash new friend.

They all said that if you noticed feelings, you should pull back.

Was noticing that Fatou is still as charming and beautiful as ever feelings or just truth?

She hasn’t made up her mind when Ismail’s head appears in the door frame.

“Kieu, are you staying for dinner? I’m starving.”

“Oh, shit.” Kieu My checks her phone. “No, I’m supposed to be having dinner with Nora and Josh. I have to go. Bye!”

***

“Sorry, sorry, sorry!” Kieu My rushes out of her jacket and shoes, to join the others already seated at the table. “I lost track of time.”

“I tried texting you,” Yara informs her.

“Yeah, we were getting a little worried.”

“No, I just wasn’t looking at my phone. I was helping Ismail shop and then set up some things in his flat. I lost track of time.”

Kieu My is focused on pouring herself a glass of water, she misses the look exchanged by Nora and Josh.

“You were at Ismail’s?”

“Was Fatou there?”

“Yeah, she was helping us set things up, too. This all looks delicious. Who was the cook tonight?”

“That would be me. Nora made dessert, though.”

“Hey, since you and Fatou are going to be friends, does that mean we can do things all together?"

"Uh, yeah. That's fine. I think we can both handle that now. Didn't you invite us here to share some news? Or is everyone just wanting to keep track of me and Fatou."

“Fatou, definitely want to know what’s going on with Fatou.”

“Hey!” Nora exclaims at Yara. “Do you not care about our news?!”

"I’m sorry, both, I want all the gossip and news about everyone and everything."

“That’s so true about you.”

“So tell us, what’s going on with you two.”

Nora places her hand atop Josh's and Kieu My reaches out for Yara's arm. They'd taken bets and Kieu My thinks this is it, they've finally gotten engaged. There's no ring on Nora's finger but maybe she's keeping it hidden.

"We're getting a dog!"

"Cong- wait, a dog?!"

"Yes!"

"This is the big news?"

"Yara, I thought you'd want to be among the first to know I was becoming a father."

"A father?"

"Basically, I mean we're going to have to take care of the dog's needs for it's life. It's a big deal!"

Kieu My loosens her grip, she owes Yara 50€. No engagement.

"I think it's great news. I mean I'd get a cat, but a dog makes sense for you two."

"Thank you!"

"So speaking of relationship milestones, how are you and Alejandro?"

"Weren't you going to break up with him?" Josh follows up Nora’s question.
"I don't know, I decided to give it some time. I went to this work event with him, met some of his friends and coworkers."

"I still think she should end things, find someone who makes her feel things, you know fireworks and all that."

"Well, everyone feels things differently, maybe . . . "

Kieu My stops listening to her friends discussing her love life when she sees a message from Ismail.

It's a photo of his bedroom with everything displayed and at the far edge of the photo is Fatou leaning against the wall by the table they'd built together. Her fingers run over the photo, intending to zoom in, but she catches herself before she can do it, realizing all eyes are on her.

"What's got you smiling like that?"

“More like who.” Yara leans over to get a better view of the image still on her screen.

"What?" Kieu My frowns not having realized she was smiling. "It's just this photo of Ismail's room."

"Hmm."

This time, Kieu My notices the looks everyone exchanges, but she refuses to indulge them in conversation, focusing on scooping another bite of food into her mouth. She can tolerate the questions about Alejandro, and the debate about what she should do there, but she’s not ready to have them jump into her friendship with Fatou.

She had already spent her commute to Nora’s re-evaluating their decision to be friends, and she doesn’t need their opinions to send her spiraling back into uncertainty.

Kieu My had reasoned with herself that it would make sense that after years without closure, being around Fatou was going to stir up old memories, some old feelings. It only made sense. But it would fizzle out. She just had to get used to being around Fatou again. And then all that would be left would be platonic.

Chapter Text

The rain droplets travel down the large living room windows, blurring the view from her apartment. Kieu My burrows deeper into the sofa, tucking her toes under the blanket, the cool air seeping into the apartment. From the kitchen, she can hear Yara rummaging through their cabinets, moving various items around.

“Have you eaten yet?”

“Coffee and some toast.”

“I need some food after last night.”

“What did you do?”

Kieu My pulls her legs in, creating enough room for Yara, who has found an apple, to join her.

“Ava and Fatou had some friends playing at a bar, so I went out with them. One of the other bands had this drummer that Ismail had a crush on. His taste in men hasn’t changed since high school, still into the pasty blondes.”

They share a laugh recalling Ismail’s teenage crush on their former friend, Constantin.

“He drank so much, he probably feels like shit today.”

“Aw, Isi. I’m going to text him. What about you? Or are you trying to only date one girl at a time?”

“Just some casual flirting.”

“Oh, no,” Kieu My shows Yara the photo Ismail sent her. “How much did he drink? Why don’t you look this awful?”

“Aw, you think I look cute? I don’t know, but surprisingly I drank the least. I bet Ava and Fatou are feeling just as hungover.”

***

Kieu My digs into her purse, moving around the tubes of lip gloss until she feels the smooth metal of her keys. It was fortunate that Ismail wouldn’t listen to her when she tried to refuse the emergency key he’d given her following their brief lockout of the apartment.

She knocks just loudly enough on the door to announce her presence before turning the key in the lock and allowing herself into the unusually quiet space. Kieu My slips off her boots and pads quietly into the living room where Ismail had informed her was as far as he could make it from his bed.

“Hey.” Kieu My continues when he acknowledges her presence with a groan. “I brought food, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

It takes her opening a few different cupboards before she finds the bowls stacked away and she’s careful not to make too much noise as she pulls them out, lining them in a row for her to easily transfer the still hot chao ga from the takeaway container.

“Kieu My?”

Fatou has shuffled into the kitchen, wrapped entirely in a blanket dotted with stars. Her movements are slow and labored, her eyes barely visible, disturbed by the bright overhead light which Kieu My is quick to turn off.

“Oh, hey, was I too loud?”

“No, I just need some water. I didn’t even know you were here.”

“I just got here. I heard you all had a kind of wild night."

Fatou groans and shuffles further into the kitchen resting her cheek against the cool steel of the refrigerator.

"Ismail fed me shots. Just one after the other."

"Oh, did he? Just force fed you?" Kieu My can't resist teasing.

"Don't make me laugh," Fatou cries out a mixture of pain and mirth.

"Sorry."

Kieu My returns her attention to the chao ga, carefully pouring it into the four bowls. She has to remind herself to focus on the task when a shiver runs down her back, hyperaware that Fatou is watching her.

"I thought you all could use some hangover food, so I bought this. Where's Ava?"

"She's in her room. I can take it to her."

"Please, you can barely walk. It'll be fine. Go to the living room."

"Okay," Fatou agrees begrudgingly.

Kieu My shifts her weight on her feet, trying to compel herself to make her way down the hallway to Ava’s room, but she wasn’t nearly as calm about going there as she’d tried to make Fatou believe. There’s nothing in particular that she’s worried about, as it’s unlikely that Ava will say or do anything to her, and yet Kieu My can’t help the discomfort settling into her stomach.

She taps on Ava’s door lightly before walking in. The colors are bright and cheerful, nobody would ever suspect that one of the few people who frightens Kieu My lives in this room.

"I brought you some food," Kieu My whispers, uncertain if Ava is asleep. When there’s no answer, she clears a spot on her desk and places the food there, eager to slip away. She’s carefully shutting the door when she hears a quiet, "Thank you."

The tension has slipped away as she makes a few trips between the kitchen and the living room, setting Fatou and Ismail up with their bowls of food. Ismail looks the worst of the three roommates, still incapable of making out any words to Kieu My, only whimpering as she places the bowl into his hands.

Fatou is much more capable of accepting the chao ga offered to her, balancing the bowl on her lap, while holding the blanket around her tightly. After a couple of mouthfuls, Kieu My notices the way Fatou’s eyes begin to flutter, heavy with fatigue. The sounds of the nature documentary Kieu My had put on the television and the warm feeling of food in her stomach, lulling Fatou back to sleep.

“Here,” Kieu My takes the empty bowl from Fatou and drapes another blanket over Fatou as she settles back to lie on the sofa. She runs her hand over the blanket, tucking it behind Fatou’s shoulders, watching the way Fatou’s eyes stay shut this time, her breathing growing heavier.

Fatou looked even smaller than usual, curled in upon herself. Kieu My pulls her hand back, but it stays hovering over Fatou’s body, the desire to stroke against Fatou’s hair or maybe her cheek.

She’s uncertain how long she stands there battling between her desires and her brain, ultimately deciding with annoyance that she should return to her seat beside Ismail. Casual touches weren’t something she was entitled to any more. No little acts of affection.

She watches the rise and fall of Fatou’s body with her even breathing, her fingers still yearning to reach out.

***

Kieu My opens her eyes, slowly, disoriented from a nap she had not planned to take. With a few blinks, she realizes she’s not in her apartment and instinctively runs her hand across her face and then her hair with fear that she’s looking disheveled.

Ismail is no longer on the sofa beside her, but when she turns to her left she finds Fatou is still on the sofa, this time wide awake, eyes trained on Kieu My.

"You look fine."

Kieu My never understood Fatou’s ability to hold such gentle eye contact. The self-assuredness it took to do so was something Kieu My always feigned, but came naturally to Fatou, so that it had always been Kieu My who broke eye contact first.

Perhaps it’s the quiet or the fatigue still leaving her body, but Kieu My doesn’t find herself averting her eyes, instead reciprocating the look and allowing the silence to surround them. Her eyes tracing Fatou’s brows until she notices the way Fatou pulls her lips in.

"Uh, where's Ismail?"

"Getting pizza. He was hungry again."

"What time is it? I can't believe I fell asleep."

"Uh, like three? That chao ga was perfect for a hangover. It put us all to sleep."

"Good. It's one of my go to meals when I feel gross."

“It was nice of you to come take care of Ismail, and to share with all of us. Thanks.”

“I wanted to, for all of you.”

This time she looks away. The light in Fatou’s eyes too reminiscent of the moments when Fatou would announce that Kieu My’s care had healed her ailments, propelling herself out of bed with renewed energy. Reaching out to entwine herself into Kieu My’s embrace and pull her onto the bed where their laughter would envelop them.

Noticing the television is still on, Kieu My draws their attention there.

"How do these goats do that?! They're barely standing on anything!"

"I know. My grandfather used to have a goat farm and those goats would always get their heads stuck in the dumbest places."

"He did?"

"Yeah, and I loved helping him when I visited and I always had to go to rescue a goat every day."

"I wouldn't even know what to do, you are so smart with animals."

"Nah, you'd figure it out."

"Have you been la-"

"Pizza is here!" Ismail sings out from the front door. All signs of a morning hangover have disappeared.

“Kieu, you’re awake, great! I need to tell you all about this guy I met last night.”

“Oh, I’m out of here.”

“What? No, you have to tell me what really happened. I can’t trust Ismail’s version of the night.”

“Excuse you, my version? There’s only the truth. Fatou, back me up. We went to this bar . . .”

Chapter Text

Kieu My readjusts the bag on her shoulder, pausing for Yara to catch up to her on the dirt path leading them further into the park. Ismail had said they would be easily found once they made their way further into the park, and he was right. Kieu My could see his mop of curly hair standing out against the bright flowers beginning to bloom next to him.

Yara drops her bag on the ground beside Ava and promptly leans over their blanket to grab a handful of grapes.

“Help me,” Kieu My prompts Yara, holding up one end of the blanket they’d brought.

“Oh, yeah,” Yara answers through a mouthful, guiding Kieu My to the perfect spot in the sun with easy access to the array of food spread out on Ismail’s blanket. “Where are Josh and Nora?”

“Chasing after their dog.” Ava points off beyond the flowers. “He wanted to smell everything.”

“It’s his first outing and he’s very excited. Be prepared for him.”

Fatou was right to warn them because soon Kieu My catches sight of a ball of fur racing towards the group followed close behind by Josh and then Nora.

“He has so much energy,” Josh huffs out, collapsing onto the grass trying to keep a hold on the young dog.

Kieu My learns his name is Arvin and in addition to having endless amounts of energy, he was also very friendly, making his way to greet everyone with a wagging tail. Despite being much more of a cat person, Kieu My was endeared to the puppy who brought her his ball, requesting that she play with him, occasionally distracted by Fatou’s voice offering sweet words of encouragement. He’d run in circles beside Fatou before recalling he was on a mission and running off to find the momentarily forgotten ball.

She listens to Josh and Nora detail all that they’ve learned in their short time as parents, Yara and Ismail arguing over who should be Arvin’s godparent. A title Ismail lost interest in when he realized that he would be agreeing to dog-sitting whenever Josh and Nora needed someone.

In her first act as godmother, Yara fills Arvin’s travel dish with water and offers her lap up as a pillow when he’s finally tuckered himself out enough for a nap. Ismail captures the moment with his camera while Nora sketches it out.

Kieu My lays back with her sunglasses drawn, enjoying the sensation of the warm sun and cool breeze playing on her skin. There’s still some talking, but it’s mostly quiet now, everyone engrossed in their own activities. She could probably take a nap, just like Arvin.

The wind dances gently along, rifling through Nora’s sketchbook and playing with the edges of her hair. A quiet hum accompanies the wind and then a strum.

She turns her head in the direction of the sound and sees that Fatou has pulled out a ukulele and is playing a soft melody. Kieu My watches the way Fatou’s fingers glide over the instrument effortlessly and she wishes Fatou would sing instead of simply hum along.

“You learned to play the ukulele, too?”

“Yeah, it’s easier to take around than my guitar.”

“That’s nice, the music, I mean.”

Kieu My sits up, drawing closer.

“I never learned how to play anything. I can only dance.”

"Oh, only dance."

Kieu My scoffs at Fatou's teasing, resisting the urge to playfully swat at her. The music stops and Fatou holds the ukulele out to Kieu My.

“Want to try?”

Kieu My hesitates briefly, worried that she’ll create disastrous sounds in comparison to Fatou’s music. Her curiosity wins and she nods shyly taking the ukulele from Fatou.

She listens to Fatou’s directions, guiding her fingers along the frets until she finds herself in position to try her first chord. Her strumming is tentative and sounds off.

“Your wrist is too stiff.” Fatou informs her.

She shakes her wrist showing Kieu My how to loosen up, but it only serves to make her laugh and lose her position for the chord.

“I’ll leave the music to you.” Kieu My hands the ukulele back over.

“I got some good photos, especially with the sun setting.”

“Oh, I want this photo of us. First family photo with little Arvin.”

“Wow, this shot of the sun starting to set is perfect.”

“I know, it almost makes me understand why you two are obsessed with planets and the sky and all of that stuff.”

“It’s magical, Ismail.”

“And fascinating.”

“Well, if you want, we can stay out here and you can tell me all about the cosmos, just like when we were in high school.”

It may have been a joke, but the offer sounds appealing to Kieu My. She’d gladly spend the rest of her night tracing the stars and telling Ismail all about the new things she’s learned. It wouldn’t be quite like high school, though.

Back then, intermixed with her stories of the sky and her wish to be among the stars were also her stories about life. Mostly her romantic life.

It was at a park under the stars when she first told Zoe and Ismail that she thought she might be bisexual. Under the stars outside of an abandoned building when she told them about the guy at the party who didn’t want to take no for an answer until Constantin intervened. And it was late at night when she would sneak over to her friends' houses and tell them all about what was happening with Fatou. From the first inklings of her crush, to the moments she thought she’d lost her, to the joy of being able to call her her girlfriend.

Here with everyone else, she wouldn’t be able to talk about what it’s been like shifting her relationship with Fatou to one of pure friendship, even if it was something she was ready to talk to Ismail about. And she had no desire to talk about Alejandro. Ismail’s advice would surely be just like that of Yara’s.

“Shit, what time is it?!” Kieu My searches her bag for her phone. When she finds it, the screen is full of notifications.

“Oh, did you have plans wi-”

“Yeah, I have to go.” Kieu My cuts Yara off, waving a goodbye to everyone as she sends off a text.

***

“I’m sorry I’m late. I lost track of time.”

“It’s okay, I was just worried about you. Oh . . .” Alejandro looks at the kitchen. “And well the food is kind of cold now, but we can heat it up.”

Kieu My covers her face, trying to hide from the guilt the set table made her feel.

“Hey, really, it’s not a big deal.” Alejandro laughs and pulls Kieu My into a hug, placing a kiss on her lips to silence any further apologies.

“I didn’t know you were making dinner.”

“I just got hungry and didn’t feel like take out. I know this looks like a big deal when you don’t cook, but it was really low effort.”

Kieu My playfully pushes Alejandro’s arm and makes her way to the kitchen to heat up the food.

“You know, we don’t have to watch the game.”

“It’s okay, I feel like we always watch what I want. I’m good.” Kieu My shakes her phone, showing Alejandro that she has her own source of entertainment. She’s moving from Twitter to Instagram, liking all of the photos everyone has posted from today’s outing at the park. She clicks on Nora’s story watching Arvin run through the flowers.

“My friend got a dog and I met him today. I think he liked me.”

“I love dogs, what kind of dog is it?”

“Um, I have no idea, actually.”

“Maybe I should get a dog.”

“Oh!” Kieu My exclaims. “There’s an exhibit and movie at the Planetarium coming up.”

Alejandro laughs heartily, noticing how Kieu My’s eyes lit up when she explained what had her so intrigued.

“It’s so cute how much you love space and all of that. I don’t understand how it’s more exciting than soccer, but I’ll be happy to go with you. When is it?”

“Okay, first of all the creation of our universe is infinitely more interesting than any sport.”

“Than any sport?!” Alejandro challenges.

“Yes!” Kieu My engages Alejandro in a debate of all sports known to mankind, successfully evading his second question.

***

Go to this exhibit with me

Are you texting me from bed?
Wait from Ale’s bed?
Gross

I’m home
You’re the one in somebody else’s bed

I’m at Aquarius
Flirting with the bartender

Without me :(
Anyway, go to the exhibit with me

Sorry, babe, not interested
Take Ale

Kieu My tosses her phone onto her bed, continuing with her bed time routine now that she knows Yara won’t be convinced. It’s always been difficult to find anyone to go with her to museums, most of her friends never share this same interest as her.

She could ask Ismail or maybe she should accept Alejandro’s invitation. She’d be fine with either of them there with her, but it’s better when she can share this with someone who’s actually interested.

Someone like Fatou.

She hadn't considered Fatou as an option before now, but maybe she should.

Kieu My finished rubbing in her moisturizer and then finds the Planetarium’s Instagram post to share with Fatou.

Have you seen this?

Yes! It looks so cool.

Are you going? Yara doesn’t want to go with me.
If you want, maybe we could go together?

Kieu My holds her breath with anticipation. This was the first time she has asked Fatou to spend time together. Every other time they'd seen each other was because Kieu My was at her apartment or it was a group thing. Never just the two of them.

Yeah
Sounds fun

Kieu My exhales with a smile, following up with more details.

Chapter Text

Kieu My flips her phone back and forth between her hands to keep herself from checking the time every few seconds. It was only three past the time they had agreed to meet at, and Fatou was probably just running late. She had never been good about being on time, Kieu My reminds herself.

Or she bailed.

No, Fatou wouldn’t do that, she wasn’t the type. That was more Kieu My’s MO. She shakes her head at the thoughts running through her mind, seemingly intent on having her consider the worst case scenarios.

There are plenty of people making their way to the entrance but she doesn't see Fatou anywhere. Not waiting by the door, not at any of the benches lining the walkway, not anywhere that Kieu My’s eyes can see.

Her phone vibrates in her hands and she almost drops the device. It's a phone call from an unsaved number. A number that apparently she still hadn't forgotten. It buzzes again and this time Kieu My answers.

“Hello?”

“Kieu My? Hey, I'm at the entrance but I don't see you. And well it's not like you to run late.” Fatou’s voice trails off.

Kieu My turns back towards the entrance, searching the small crowd.

"Which entrance? I don't see you and you're right, I got here early."

"I'm by this fountain?"

"Okay, stay there. I'll go to you. I'm at the one across from the bookshop."

When Kieu My hangs up, she notices her shoulders relax, having been tense with the fear that Fatou might not show. She shakes her arms out, trying to let go of all of her nerves and decides to do something she'd never thought would happen again.

She saves Fatou's phone number and then proceeds to find her.

Fatou notices Kieu My approaching almost immediately and pushes herself up from the fountain's edge.

"Sorry if this was the wrong entrance. I still sometimes get things confused so -"

"No, you're fine. We still have time to get inside. I'm just glad you came. I mean - it's nice to be here with someone who actually is interested."

Kieu My presses her eyes closed, telling herself to just stop talking. She always finds herself stuttering or saying the wrong things around Fatou.

"Yeah, I can't ever get Ava or Ismail interested."

"Same with Yara. I guess everyone can't be as cool as we are."

Their laughter subsides as they approach the planetarium. The lights had been dimming the entire way there but it's still an adjustment when they enter the almost completely dark room. Kieu My walks slowly waiting for her eyes to adjust further, searching for a pair of vacant seats. And then she lurches forward trying not to fall.

Fatou reacts quickly despite the dark, holding onto Kieu My's arms, helping her stand upright. It’s all so quick. By the time Kieu My had reached out, Fatou’s hands had already slipped away.

“Thanks.”

“It was my fault, I think I bumped into you.”

“It’s okay. Let’s sit here.”

It isn't long after they've settled in that a voice fills the space, explaining the film they're about to see. Her earlier nerves at being here with Fatou have disappeared as she's becoming engrossed by the images above her. No matter her fascination with the universe there's always so much to learn, so many new scientific advancements.

She hears a gasp from beside her and she is reminded of Fatou's presence, equally enthralled as she is. Her mouth is slightly agape, her face washed in the blue light from above. The smile that appears on Kieu My’s face is natural, an instinctive response to Fatou’s own joy.

Still smiling, Kieu My looks away, back at the images floating above her and focuses on the film, telling herself not to turn at every moment to check in on Fatou. They can talk afterwards.

But then there’s an exceptionally beautiful moment and she turns to Fatou wanting to share this with her. Kieu My’s breath catches in her throat, eyes tracing the way Fatou’s lashes catch the light and the planets are reflected in her eyes. The soft curve of her nose and curl of her lips.

She's reminded of another time they lay under artificial stars together.

Fatou bites her bottom lip, and then her head turns so that she's looking right back at Kieu My. A heat creeps along her neck and up to her cheeks as neither one of them says anything, just continuing to look at each other.

Her throat is dry and she has to try to speak again.

“Restroom.” Kieu My announces and promptly leaves.

Kieu My pats the damp paper towel against her cheeks again, trying to soothe her flushed skin, but every time she thinks of going back to the auditorium beside Fatou, the redness grows. Her hopes that spending more time with Fatou as a friend would make her old memories stop resurfacing has clearly been in vain. Her memories have only shifted from those that brought on guilt to the ones that made her want to reach out to Fatou and just . . .

She grabs a fresh paper towel which she drapes across the back of her neck. Maybe they need to talk. Or take some time apart. Her stomach churns at that last thought. Whatever it is, she first needs to get back out before Fatou starts to worry about her.

When she’d returned to her seat, Fatou barely acknowledged her return, eyes focused on the screen above, jaw set more firmly than Kieu My remembers it being earlier. And when the show ended, they walked in complete silence until the shock of the bright sun caused Fatou to exclaim.

Kieu My’s stomach grumbles and she recalls that there’s a burger shop nearby. Maybe over some food they could start to talk about things. Kieu My could ask Fatou how she’s handling this return to friendship. Maybe she could finally apologize for all the mistakes she made in handling their break up.

“Hey, do y-”

“I have to go.”

“Oh,” Kieu My is caught off guard by the firm tone of Fatou’s voice. The disappointment must be evident in her face because she sees Fatou falter.

“Uh, thanks for inviting me. It was fun. Bye!”

Fatou waves goodbye and Kieu My soon loses sight of her as she blends into the crowd. She’s not sure what exactly has her heart sinking inside her chest.

***

Her dejection following the museum was evident, too significant for Kieu My to properly hide her feelings when she arrived home. She had decided on her walk that she wasn’t ready to discuss with anybody just yet, and she appreciated that Yara seemed to understand.

It took her a few days to feel ready to talk and the timing was perfect because although she always looked forward to her video chats with Zoe, the prospect of talking to her about this increased her anticipation. She had her laptop ready and had already turned her alarm on her phone off, fully ready for Zoe to join the chat any minute.

“Hello, beautiful!” Zoe greets once they’re connected.

“Hey, Zo!”

“Oh, no, what’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“Kieu My, just because we’re in different countries doesn’t mean I have forgotten you. It’s all over your face. Spill.”

Kieu My leans forward, laughing with embarrassment as her hair creates a curtain around her face. How she was able to keep such a neutral face that left most people guessing as to the inner workings of her mind and the emotions hidden beneath the surface while her closest friends could always read her like a book was something she’d never completely understand.

She pushes back her hair and decides there’s no point in delaying.

“So you know how I'm trying to be friends with Fatou.”

“Mmhmm, friends.”

"Well, how did you do it with Finn?"

"That was completely different, though. Our relationship was basically over before we officially ended it, so it felt like we were just friends already. Space and time, you know all the cliche things."

“I’ve had five years. Why do I keep having all these old memories come back to me? I don't know if I need to talk to her for closure or what.”

“Are you still having dreams about the break up?”

“No, not anymore, now,” Kieu My hesitates. “Now it’s the good memories that keep coming back. Like how Fatou would play music and sing while I listened. And how we’d eat cold pizza in the middle of the night after a party . Or how we said 'I love you' for the first time.”

“Kieu,” Zoe sounds concerned, “Do you still have feelings for her?”

“Feelings?” Kieu My ponders. “I - what do you mean?”

“You know, well, do you want to kiss her?”

“Okay, that’s not fair. You know that Fatou is completely my type. Just so . . . so beautiful. It doesn’t count.”

“I doesn’t not count! I knew you were falling for her again. All that talk about how you enjoy spending time with her and rebuilding a friendship. It was only a matter of time!"

Kieu My groans, recalling all the times she’s steered completely unrelated topics towards Fatou. Of the way she’d see her own face on her computer screen lighting up with stories of their time together.

"What are you going to do?"

"I don’t know.” Kieu My taps her nails on her chin, considering her options. “I’ve missed her so much, Zoe. Like everything about her. The smallest things. How easy it is to talk to her, the way her eyes light up when she’s learning something new, the way she taps her forehead whenever she’s flustered. Now that I have her back, I don’t want to lose her.”

Kieu My remembers watching Fatou walking away from her at the museum and the way it felt somehow more final than it was.

“I can’t, Zoe. She said she wanted to be friends. I can’t be falling for her again. Not after everything I’ve put her through.”

“You can’t help who you fall in love with, Kieu. I think you should go for it.”

“I just need you back here right now. I need a hug.”

“Aw, baby.” Zoe pouts. “It’s only another few weeks and then I’ll be there! I’ll stay with you and Yara until you wish you could kick me out.”

“More like we don’t let you go back to New Zealand.”

“If you’d visit me, you’d know why it’s so hard to leave!”

***

Kieu My has spent enough time at Ismail’s apartment that it was starting to feel like a second home, much like when they were younger. She’s found a bag of popcorn to toss into the microwave, preparing for what’s become their regular movie night.

She’s careful not to burn her hands as she pours the popcorn out into the bowl when she hears someone walk into the kitchen. Kieu My had opened her mouth to offer a greeting, but when she takes in Fatou’s appearance, she finds herself speechless.

Fatou’s hair is in long braids and she has a light amount of makeup, her eyes drawing even more attention than usual. When her eyes travel further, noticing the coat Fatou has on, Kieu My has to blink away the thoughts trying to creep into her mind.

“Hey, Kieu My. Oh, you know what would make that better? If we had some M&Ms.”

Kieu My is still trying to find her voice, so she moves the bowl aside to reveal a bag she had brought with her.

“I brought some for you.”

“Nice!” Fatou pours a few into her hands before distributing the rest throughout the bowl of popcorn.

KIeu My is saved from trying to find any more to say when Ava calls out to Fatou from the living room.

“Don’t forget your phone!” Ava points to the phone on the coffee table.

“Oh there it is.”

“Oww, mamacita! You look hot!” Yara looks Fatou up and down. “Where are you going, because I know this isn’t all for us.”

“She’s got a date.” Ava announces happily and Kieu My could swear that Ava looks at her intentionally before turning her gaze to Fatou.

Her mood takes a quick dip, now understanding the reason for Fatou’s good mood and appearance. She takes a seat beside Ismail, hoping that her face is neutral and not giving away the discomfort she’s trying to shove down.

“Is it that girl from the band? Because I knew she was interested.”

“The tall blond one or the bassist with curly hair?”

“Oh, you’re right, both kept trying to talk to Fatou all night.”

Kieu My was trying to trace the outline of each popcorn kernel in the bowl, focusing her mind on this senseless task to block out the words from everyone else. So that she doesn’t start to imagine these women spending hours flirting with Fatou.

“- I don’t think that date ended well.”

Kieu My finally looks up when she hears Fatou trying to interject, waiting for everyone to stop talking.

“Huh?” Kieu My asks, trying to offer her assistance.

“Uh, actually, my plans fell through.” Fatou informs everyone, walking further into the living room and taking the seat beside Kieu My on the sofa. “I’m going to watch the movie with you all.”

“What, but -”

“It’s not a big deal, Ava.”

“Well, it’s a horror movie.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Horror movies had been one of the few things that Ava and Kieu My could always come together on. They shared a similar taste in horror which always left Zoe questioning why horror movie night didn’t become a Kieu My and Ava activity while she and Fatou could do something more light hearted like baking.

When Ava announced she would be picking the movie this evening, Kieu My knew it would be good. They were the two most engrossed in the movie, at times commenting aloud, the other agreeing vehemently.

As the movie grows more serious, their chatter decreases, everyone staring at the screen, the tension palpable until a figure suddenly appears and Kieu My feels Fatou’s body jolt with surprise beside her.

“You okay?” Kieu My whispers.

“Yeah.”

Kieu My nods in acknowledgement, returning her attention back to the television, adjusting her position on the sofa. No longer holding the bowl of popcorn, she allows her hand to drape onto the sofa and she quickly realizes that her pinky has found Fatou’s. The point of contact so small, she wonders if Fatou is even aware.

She is acutely aware.

She should move her hand, she knows that. But she can’t. She doesn’t want to. She wants the opposite, in fact. She wants to run the rest of her hand over Fatou’s, entwining their fingers together, connecting them in the simplest way.

Her heart is beating louder, aware that she hasn’t moved her hand yet and then she feels the smallest twitch from Fatou. Kieu My assumes this is the point in which Fatou will pull her hand away.

But Fatou doesn’t.

Kieu My swallows thickly, her heart still drumming in her chest. Regardless of whether it’s fair or right, Kieu My can’t stop herself.

She finally has a reason to break up with Alejandro. She doesn’t love him. And she knows she never will. She thought she was falling for Fatou again, but she’s not sure that her heart had ever left her.

Chapter Text

There’s a sense of deja vu surrounding Kieu My as she sits with Alejandro for dinner having left her apartment with assurances to Yara that she would be single when she returned home. The only difference is that this time, Kieu My is completely certain of her intent to actually follow through. Regardless of what the future may hold with Fatou, Kieu My knows without a shadow of a doubt in her heart that there’s nothing here for her with Alejandro.

They’ve just ordered drinks and Kieu My is hit with the realization that she does not know why she thought going out for dinner was the proper activity for a breakup. Should she break up with him before they order actual food or should she wait until after they’d eaten? Before or after dessert?

Kieu My isn’t sure she can get through a whole meal, holding back her true intentions, so she stops pretending to read her menu and looks up at Alejandro with determination. He’s so focused on the menu, he doesn’t notice Kieu My’s gaze. She is about to clear her throat when something behind him catches her eye.

Ava has just walked in. And right behind her are Nora and Fatou.

Kieu My’s eyes widen with horror and before she can look away, Ava sees her. Kieu My's hopes of going unnoticed are clearly ruined and to make matters even worse, she can see the host out of the corner of her eye bringing them closer and closer until they’re at the table beside them.

“Hey, Kieu My. Crazy running into you.”

Kieu My looks between the three friends, still frozen with shock.

“Oh, are you all Kieu My's friends? I'm Alejandro.” Kieu My watches with baited breath as he greets each of them, wincing when he tacks on, “Kieu My’s boyfriend.”

He kills her plans of a swift breakup when he continues talking. "We just got here, if you want to join us."

Kieu My has been silently drinking her wine while Alejandro easily carries a conversation with Nora and Ava. Fatou, like Kieu My, has been mostly silent since they joined each other for dinner. Kieu My has been glancing over at Fatou periodically, hoping that she'll look up from her food that she keeps pushing around.

She wants to apologize. This isn't how she would have wanted her to learn about Alejandro's existence. In an ideal world, Fatou would never have to know about him because she would have ended things already. Instead she's wondering how to finish this meal as quickly as possible so they can leave and she get back to the plan.

"How's your food, babe?" Alejandro asks, bringing her attention from across the table.

"Oh, it's good."

"So is mine, do you want to try?"

Before Kieu My could respond, Fatou can be heard mumbling something, her eyes still focused on her food.

"Huh?"

Fatou realizes that everyone is looking at her, and she straightens in her seat.

"Your salmon. The maple syrup. Kieu My doesn't like maple syrup."

For the first time since they arrived Fatou looks at Kieu My. The electric way she always does, sending a shiver down Kieu My's back. Such a small detail to remember about her and yet Fatou does.

"Hey," Ava's voice breaks their eye contact. "Kieu My, why don't you bring Alejandro to my birthday party this weekend?"

"How did you know about that?!"

"I overheard you and Ismail one night. You're not as subtle as you think you are."

"Fatou!" Nora exclaims.

"It's fine, I'll act surprised. But you both should come."

***

Kieu My kicks off her shoes and heads straight for the sofa, ignoring Yara as she follows close behind.

"Did you do it? Tell me you did it."

She throws herself onto the sofa dramatically groaning with frustration.

"No! I really believed you this time."

"I really meant it this time! I was literally about to do it when Ava came in. With Nora and Fatou!"

"What?!"

Kieu My rolls over and stares at the ceiling contemplating how this could have happened. Of all the restaurants in Berlin. Of all days.

"The universe hates me. It's telling me that I don't deserve Fatou."

"How? How is that what you're getting?"

Kieu My shrugs.

"Ava invited us to her party tomorrow."

"She knows about it? Wait, us?"

"Like... me and Ale."

"Tell me you made an excuse."

"I froze."

Yara collapses onto the sofa beside Kieu My summarizing the evening.

"So, you left the house planning to break up with your boyfriend, but instead you have come back still in a relationship. With plans to go to the birthday party of someone who, let's be real, doesn't exactly like you, but is best friends with your ex, that you're not over and who will definitely be at said party."

"It sounds so much better when you put it that way." Kieu My's voice drips with sarcasm.

"How the fuck did this happen?"

"The universe." Kieu My repeats. It's the only answer she can find. Karmic punishment finally catching up to her.

***

Kieu My had always been a very logical person and although at times would give into the urge to look to the universe to guide her, she never really believed it. She knew that people found signs where they wanted to, using subjective interpretation to reinforce desires they otherwise didn't want or know how to pursue.

So she told herself there was no greater meaning to what had happened yesterday. She blew off that stumbling block and instead did what she always does. She created a plan. Alejandro was going to meet Kieu My at her apartment before the party and she would end things then. A private space with enough time for her to still make it to the party.

Theoretically, this was a great plan, but Alejandro who was rarely ever late to anything didn't show up until she was already rushing out the door. Which is how she finds herself at Ismail's flat with all of her friends and her still not quite ex-boyfriend.

Despite most of the people being new to Alejandro, he slipped in seamlessly with everyone. While Kieu My tried to hang back and assess, he had dived right into meeting everyone and striking up conversation effortlessly. Soon Josh pulled Alejandro away into the kitchen and Yara filled his spot beside Kieu My.

Her presence seems to go unnoticed by Kieu My. Yara follows her line of sight and sees Fatou tossing a maroon balloon to Ava, eyes wide with a goofy smile.

“Seems like Ale’s being here isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.”

“It’s weird, she was so quiet yesterday, I thought for sure it was because of Ale. But she seems so . . . unbothered.”

“Maybe it’s just because she’s at home and you know Ale is all the way over there. Did you want it to be weird?”

“No, it’s just . . . I can’t read her anymore. Not like I used to. I don’t know what she’s thinking or feeling about me or this whole situation.”

“Kieu My, your mind sounds like an exhausting place to be. Just chill, have fun. You’ll break up with Alejandro tonight and we’ll go from there.”

Kieu My lets out a heavy sigh, raising her glass to Yara, letting her know she would try.

Yara was right, there was nothing she could do, so she has decided to have a good time. Ismail has topped off their drinks and dragged Kieu My close to the edge of the living room so they could dance in the glow of Berlin's city lights. Her laugh bubbles to the surface, twirling hand in hand with Ismail until Yara steals him from her.

She slowed down her movements, until she's come to a full stop and she downs her drink with thirst. Kieu My announces her need for another drink, bouncing off to the kitchen; she catches the twinkle in Fatou's eyes as she walks past.

Ismail's love for parties is evident in the way he set up for Ava's birthday. The counter holding three different pitchers of mixed drinks, trays of garnish, and edible glitter to elevate the cocktails to Instagram worthy. Kieu My fills her glass with a deep red sangria and goes to the refrigerator where she knows Fatou has beers. She removes the cap with ease and heads straight back to Fatou.

“Looked like you needed a new one.”

Fatou takes the beer with a thank you.

“Having fun?”

“Ava’s got good taste in music. You? Are you having fun?”

“Yeah, food, friends,” Fatou points out Josh. “Dancing - I think that’s dancing at least.”

They both devolve into laughter as Josh's moves grow more embarrassing, so that Nora is trying to pull him away, only to be dragged into dancing too.

“God, they’re so cute.”

“So happy.”

Fatou shines with love for Nora.

They watch quietly as Nora's laughter subsides and then she and Josh share a kiss. Smiles still consuming their faces. Their observations interrupted when Alejandro joins them.

“Hey, Fatou, right?”

“Yeah, hi.”

“Ismail told me you made some of the snacks. This is so good, like I’d pay for this.”

“Oh, it’s nothing special.”

“Fatou always downplays it, but she’s a great cook.”

"I've had catered events with food nowhere near as good as this."

“Uh, do you work in food?”

“Nah, finance.”

“Oh, wow. I’m way too dumb for -” Fatou pauses, having heard the sharp inhale from Kieu My accompanied by her knit brows. She adjusts her statement. "I just mean, math isn't something I'm good at."

“I get it a lot of people hate math. So what do you do?”

“I work with animals.”

“Fatou is really talented. She can cook, sing, and she’s always been great with animals.”

“Okay, that's impressive." Alejandro finishes his last appetizer. "It’s so great to finally meet Kieu My’s friends.”

"Wait," Ava questions. "This is your first time meeting Kieu My's friends?"

"Yeah, Kieu My has always been... reserved. I've only ever met Yara before."

'I'm the only one that really matters."

"Please, we've been friends longer, she hated you in high school!"

"I did not hate her, I just…"

"Kieu, if looks could kill -"

"- it wasn't all of high school they got along in dance."

"- well, before -"

"- I'm just saying Yara was lucky to make it past that New Year's eve. You were so jealous."

"Kieu My, the jealous type? I can't imagine." Alejandro laughs at the idea of his girlfriend ever being insecure.

"Oh, she's the worst."

"Okay, can we stop talking about me? It's Ava's birthday."

"Yes, and the birthday girl wants to play Never Have I Ever. And this way, Alejandro can learn more about everyone."

Kieu My panicked when everyone had eagerly agreed to Never Have I Ever. A group full of people who knew so much about her, from her ice queen days, to her more vulnerable moments, to some of her worst days. There was so much that could come out if anyone wanted it to.

She held her drink tightly through the first few questions, her grip loosening when the topics had been kept relatively tame. She follows Nora's 'Never Have I Ever traveled outside of Germany' with something equally benign.

"Never Have I Ever owned a pet."

Nora and Josh coo over Arvin and Yara cuts them off. "Ugh, never have I ever been in love. Like real true love."

Thump.

Kieu My's eyes dart from Yara to Fatou and then quickly down to her hand. An easy answer. She puts down a finger and then glances back at Fatou's hand, relieved when she sees that Fatou had also put one down.

"Your turn Ismail."

"Wait, does Maike count as a pet?"

Fatou glares at Ismail.

"You stole her and then I took care of her."

"So, no? Okay, uh, Never Have I Ever had a one-night stand."

"Never?" Yara asks in disbelief, knocking down another finger.

"Oh, shit you're right." Ismail laughs into his drink, putting down a finger. "Oops."

Kieu My chortles having been just a second behind Yara to question Ismail. The high school sweethearts didn't surprise her, nor Ava, but she expected Ismail and Yara to have this in common.

"What about you?!" Ismail accuses.

"Hmm? I haven't."

"Trust me, I tried, but," Yara shrugs, still not understanding Kieu My's inability or desire to just hook up.

"Making out is where I draw the line."

"The last girl I made out with was whew . . ."

"...yeah, what was …"

She expected that her answer would surprise most of those present. She hadn't expected to see one of Fatou's fingers slowly curl away.

"Never Have I Ever ghosted somebody."

It isn't necessarily aimed at her, but Kieu My wouldn't be surprised if Ava had chosen this on purpose. Kieu My puts down a finger and then finishes off her drink. She's ready for tonight to be over.

***

Kieu My had wandered away from the living room seeking some solitude, a quiet reprieve from having to pretend like everything was normal and okay. Her feet have taken her down the hallway until she's in Fatou's bedroom. She probably shouldn't have come in, but the door was slightly ajar and she felt compelled to enter.

She's only planning to rest a few minutes before her absence is noted, but before she makes it to sit on the bed she notices the window is open. Kieu My places her drink on the desk and peeks her head outside, unsurprised when she finds Fatou seated on the roof smoking a cigarette.

"Mind if I join you?"

"Nah. Did you need a break too?"

Kieu My takes a seat in the space Fatou has cleared for her. The roof had always been a place that Fatou would escape to and while it was never Kieu My's go to, she found it easy to understand the appeal. The sounds all feel distant, muffled and unimportant. The moonlight is warm tonight, in contrast to the occasional gust of wind. A blanket is all she would need to stay here for the rest of the night.

"Alejandro is nice."

"Yeah, too nice," Kieu My answers with exasperation, resting her head against the building's exterior."

"Huh?"

"I've been trying to break up with him. I was actually trying to do it yesterday right when you all came over."

"Oh? Did something happen?"

There's so much she could say, so many different ways to answer this question. But she's reminded that there's a flat full of other people.

"Honestly, I should have ended things a long time ago. He's great, I just don't love him. And I, I don't think I ever will."

Fatou hums in acknowledgement, staring off in the distance. They resume sitting in comfortable silence.

Fatou lights another cigarette, inhaling deeply and then allowing the smoke to billow out, creating entrancing wisps in the night sky. When Fatou brings the cigarette to her mouth once more, lips just slightly apart, Kieu My finds herself transfixed on the action until the cigarette gets closer and she sees that Fatou is offering it to her.

Kieu My is careful as she takes the cigarette out of Fatou's hand and places it between her lips. She takes a slow drag, before returning it to Fatou, eyes never leaving each other as she finishes the cigarette.

The urge to talk to Fatou has grown and Kieu My is considering not following through with her plan of waiting until she's officially broken up with Alejandro. She's certain that Fatou has to be feeling the same thumping in her chest, the need to say more, to reach out and share more than an accidental touch.

"Fa-"

"Hey! Get back in here, we need your help settling a tie."

Yara's pulling at Kieu My's hand from the open window, her timing impeccable as always.

***

"I didn't know you smoke."

Alejandro speaks for the first time since they left Ava's party.

"Huh, oh. I quit years ago, technically, but sometimes I'll have one and then I wonder why I ever gave it up."

"Hmm." Alejandro stops walking suddenly. "So we should break up, huh?"

"What?" Kieu My's voice cracks, the weight of the shock evident. She was supposed to be ending things, she would have never seen Alejandro being the one to call it off.

"I like you, Kieu My. A lot. Maybe that's why I refused to see what's always been right there. You know I told myself you were slow to warm up, maybe less affectionate, maybe you'd had a really shitty ex, I don't know. But, I don't know, tell me I'm wrong. I'd love to be wrong."

Alejandro exhales, gathering the strength to say what he doesn't want to be truth.

"You're in love with Fatou?" He doesn't wait for Kieu My to verbalize her answer, the way she pulls in her lips and her eyes begin to water is answer enough.

"God, the way you look at her. I know you'll never look at me like that. And," he wipes at his eyes, "I can't even be mad at her. She's really fucking nice and funny, I mean I get it."

"I'm sorry. I wanted us to work, I really did. But ..."

"You love her."

"Yeah. I do."

Alejandro nods solemnly, stepping forward to place a final kiss to the top of Kieu My's head before walking away.

"Take care of yourself, Kieu My."

Chapter Text

Kieu My keeps her eyes closed while her limbs stretch out against the bed, fully awake, but not quite ready to get up. Her arms glide over the empty half of her bed, cool sheets undisturbed by the presence of anyone else. She feels a little guilty at the smile that erupts on her face at the recollection that she is single. Not because she regrets the end of her relationship. If anything she regrets not having done it sooner, for having wasted Alejandro’s time with her refusal to acknowledge what he was able to determine in two short interactions with her friends.

She should have been more aware of the way her face would betray her. In Fatou’s presence, her brain became clouded, completely overcome by the way Fatou made her heart feel. It was something she had discovered when looking at their photos together. Not the ones she made them pose for. The ones where the camera captured them before she was ready. When others were the photographers, and she was unaware of their presence. In those moments she could see everything she felt for Fatou right on her face. The pride at making her laugh, the joy of just sharing life with her, the awe of Fatou’s many talents, and always love. Every single time her eyes were on Fatou, Kieu My’s face lit up in a way she’d never seen before or since.

She hadn’t realized that her feelings had grown to the point that it was so evident. But knowing this now, Kieu My questions if this is why Ava’s previous neutrality towards Kieu My has begun to feel more and more cold.

Kieu My pushes the image of Ava’s scrutinizing eyes away, reaching out for her phone to text Fatou.

How was the drive?

Long 🥱
But good

😊
I hope you both have a good trip

Thanks!
Ava's sad that she's missing Zoe's first day back in Berlin

Aw, but she'll still be here when you get back
But I get it
I'm really excited

Nora is too
She keeps texting the gc
Oh time for breakfast gotta go

Have a good day!

Kieu My kicks off her blanket, suddenly filled with energy at the reminder that in just three days time, Zoe would be back and her college trio will be reunited. There’s too much to do, too much to look forward to; Kieu My bounds out of bed and rushes into the kitchen eager to start her day.

She heads straight for the cupboard and pushes aside the slate gray mugs they most frequently use, digging to the back until her hand makes contact with the familiar, old mug. Despite the chipped lip and fading stars, Kieu My has never been ready to let go of her Scorpio Season mug.

“Do you even need any coffee this morning?” Yara questions.

“Probably not. I’m just so excited about Zoe’s visit! It’s impossible to not be in a good mood. Aren’t you excited?”

“Yes, but I’m also very tired.”

Yara watches Kieu My practically bounce to the refrigerator pulling out the tub of yogurt and transferring it into a bowl which she tops with muesli. A typical breakfast for Kieu My. A typical morning. And yet something feels so acutely different to Yara.

A levity she hasn’t seen in Kieu My for far too long.

***

Zoe crashes into Kieu My, almost spilling the fresh bottle of wine she’d just returned from the kitchen with.

“Oops!”

Her laughter is a sound Kieu My has missed deeply.

“A toast, to us all being back together. We’ve missed you, Zo.”

They bring their glasses together and while they’ve upgraded from plastic cups to real wine glasses, there’s such a familiarity to their being together.

“Okay, so, we’ve covered Yara’s pining for the bartender. And I’ve told you all about the cutie I met in the airport. It’s time, Kieu My. Give me an update on Fatou!”

Kieu My folds over, groaning at the prospect of getting into this with her two best friends ready and eager to give their input. Her cheeks are red and hot from all of the glasses of wine, but she can feel it worsen now that she’s thinking about the last time she’d seen Fatou. At Ava’s birthday party. The moment on the roof.

Kieu My springs back up and points her finger accusingly at Yara. “If you had just settled that tie without me, I’d have something new to say about Fatou. Instead, it’s all th-”

“What?! How was I supposed to know you were having a moment with her on the roof!?”

“No, the roof, Kieu My! Deja vu, man.”

“Yeah, and if Yara hadn’t interrupted, I would have spilled everything to Fatou right there. God, she,” Kieu My covers her face with her hands. “She. She’s just so fucking beautiful.”

“Yara! How could you? But, Kieu, why haven’t you talked to her since the party?”

“Because I’ve had time to think.”

“Overthink.”

“Fine, overthink. And.” Kieu My’s sigh is so forceful her already disheveled hair flies about. She takes the bottle and pours the last of the wine into her glass. “I don’t know if I should even tell her anything about how I feel.”

“What?! Why wouldn’t you.”

“This is why I needed you here, Zoe. She won’t listen to me!”

“No, it’s just, listen. Every time I’ve fucked up with Fatou it’s been because I made decisions thinking about myself. Being selfish.”

“Kieu . . .”

“Aw, baby, no. . .”

“It’s true, though.” Kieu My sniffles, using the heel of her hand to wipe away the tears prickling at her eyes. “I’m fine. It’s just that. Won’t telling her about how I feel just be another selfish moment? She said she wants to be friends and she hasn’t done anything to say that that’s changed.”

“I don’t know. I just think it would be worse to say nothing.”

“And Fatou’s never been great at being direct, maybe she’s telling you that she’d be open to more than friendship without words.”

Kieu My considers the times Fatou has stared so deeply into her eyes, it felt like they were those lovestruck teenagers with nothing but faith that theirs was a love that would overcome anything. But those moments always end and Kieu My remembers the reality of their present.

“Ugh, I’m sorry I made this so serious. I’m ruining our night.”

“Please,” Zoe scoots closer to Kieu My. “Do you remember when Yara got into a fight with the bouncer at that bar and we were banned from ever going back. That was ruining a night.”

“I regret nothing.” Yara drapes her arm around Kieu My’s other side. “Hey, since you’re in the middle right now, does this mean I can take the middle of the bed tonight?”

“We’re not all sleeping together.” Kieu My murmurs, the alcohol and tears already settling her into a sleep.

***

Kieu My had been getting ready, only half aware of what she was doing, still debating whether she would be telling Fatou about her feelings or stuffing them away as an attempt at selflessness. She’d been so deep in her thoughts, she can’t recall where she put her house keys and she’s going to be late.

She draws her hands to her temples, telling herself to breathe and retrace her steps when she registers that there’s an oddly cool sensation at her face. Kieu My opens her eyes suspiciously and sees that the house keys are in her hand.

“Wow.” She mutters to herself, pulling on her shoes haphazardly before proceeding to the elevator. Fatou is calling.

“Um, hey, Kieu My-”

“Sorry, I couldn’t find my keys, but I’m on my way.

“Oh, no, well, they’re closing up.”

“What, why?”

Kieu My rushes out her door and sees that the previously sunny sky has become overcast and rain is pouring down.

“It’s raining and um, sorry I’m trying to find some cover. I didn’t bring an umbrella.”

“Wait, you’re there already? I live closeby, I’ll send you a pin. You can come here.”

***

Kieu My mops up the last of the water on the floor with her towel and tosses it over the bar stool to air out. She’d managed to avoid the rain, standing under the awning of her building, waiting for Fatou to find her way from the beer garden. Fatou on the other hand, had also apparently not checked the weather. After what felt like forever, Kieu My had finally seen her figure growing closer, as she ran, the rain drenching her until she’d reached Kieu My’s apartment building.

“Don’t laugh, okay.”

“Why would I?”

Kieu My turns around, towards Fatou’s voice and almost immediately after the words are out of her mouth she’s begun to laugh.

“I said don’t laugh!”

“I’m sorry . . . “ Kieu My purses her lips trying to keep the laugh from coming out, but Fatou looks incredibly precious in her clothing. The sweatshirt she’d given Fatou seems to fit well, but the sweatpants are clearly too long, and she can see how Fatou has tried to roll up the bottom.

Kieu My had never imagined Fatou in her apartment. She hadn’t realized it until this moment, but she had unconsciously decided that Fatou in her apartment was off limits. It would feel too intimate. And that feeling is only amplified by her standing bashfully in her bedroom’s door frame, dressed in Kieu My’s loungewear, curls still dripping with water.

“I can’t believe it’s raining this much.” Fatou gestures towards the windows. The rain seems to only be getting heavier. “I was looking forward to the beer garden.”

“Uh, well, I have beer in the fridge and I could make us some food.”

Kieu My rushes to the refrigerator and pulls out two bottles, showing them to Fatou, awaiting her approval. Fatou nods happily and skips over to take one of the beers while Kieu My opens up a cupboard, checking out the food options.

“Um, is ramen okay?”

“Do you still not know how to cook anything?”

“Okay, look,” Kieu My faces her, eyes narrowed with mock severity, “take out is very easy and I wouldn’t say I don’t know how to cook anything . . . just not a lot. So is that a no to the Ramen?”

“You know I love Ramen.” Fatou answers nonchalantly, and Kieu My’s heart leaps into her throat.

Buy me ramen, win my heart

Fatou opens the refrigerator, emerging with a few items which she places onto the counter.

“We’re going to upgrade this ramen a little bit. Where’s your cutting board?”

“Uh . . . here.”

“Okay,” Fatou places a stalk of green onion onto the cutting board, “You cut this into thin slices. I’m going to make a soft boiled egg.”

Fatou seems so completely in her element, despite being in a new environment. She moves with confidence filling a pot with water, gently submerging the eggs, and noting the time they went in aloud before returning to praise Kieu My’s work.

“Are you making fun of me? Anyone could do this. A child could do this.”

“This? No, not true.” Fatou holds out a piece between her thumb and index finger. “These are perfectly sized.”

Kieu My looks at her skeptically. “You know, I’ve never dressed up my Ramen before. I always just eat it like it comes.”

“Never? God, the first year at uni, I got so tired of eating plain noodles, I started experimenting with all the ways to make it feel like something new.”

“I’ve never been creative like you. So, how did you do it?”

“Huh?”

“What were all the ways you made ramen?”

“Oh, well . . .”

***

“Do you want another beer, or I also have wine, or if you want something stronger, we stocked up for Zoe’s visit.”

“I’ll stick to the beer, thanks.”

“I know this wasn’t as nice as the beer garden would have been, but I think it’s a pretty solid alternative.”

“For sure. Lucky you live so close.” Fatou brings the bottle to her lips, making such a simple act look devastatingly attractive. “Can you imagine if we were both caught in that rain?”

Yes.

She can imagine it too well, in fact.

Huddled together. Rain soaked.

A clap of thunder makes Kieu My startle and the flash of lightning illuminates the kitchen, lights flickering for a second before leaving them in complete darkness.

“Shit. Um, I have candles.”

Kieu My extends her hands, trying to find the kitchen counter to support her as she gets oriented, but Fatou has also stood up. Instead of the cold countertop she was reaching for, her hands have taken hold of Fatou’s warm arms.

She should have let go immediately, but It would be so easy to give in right now. Let her hands continue traveling up, across Fatou’s shoulders, until her hands would settle at the back of her neck. Kieu My could take just another step or two closer.

“Sorry.”

She drops her hands and slips past Fatou, only reaching out once she knows she’s put enough distance between them.

***

Most of the candles spread across the various surfaces in the living room were gathered from Yara’s room. Her obsession with buying every candle she comes across benefitting Kieu My so that she and Fatou can resume drinking their beers with some visibility.

Kieu My rests her chin in her palm, attentively listening to Fatou’s story about the time she was locked in a stairwell during a power outage that lasted for hours. Definitely a much worse experience than the one Kieu My had shared first.

“Of course you didn’t have your phone charged. I would have gone crazy.”

“It gave me time to work on this song I’d been stuck on for weeks. So it actually worked out for me.”

“Are you and Ava still pursuing music? Like I know you both have jobs outside of that, but music’s always been such a constant for you. Or do you prefer to just do that for fun?’

“I don’t know.” Fatou leans her head back, considering. “We’ve done some gigs at some bars over the years. And we both really love it, but you know getting into music seriously is really hard.”

“Yeah, but you’re incredibly talented.”

Fatou laughs shortly, her head tilting slightly so that she can make eye contact with Kieu My, her face aglow from the candles on the coffee table.

“I don’t know about that.”

“Are you kidding me? I can totally see it now.” Kieu My waves her hand across the air encouraging Fatou to imagine it with her. “You and Ava singing to a crowd who loves your voices, the lyrics, everything.”

Fatou’s smile grows wider and Kieu My has to fight back the impulse to let her hand fall onto Fatou’s thigh. Her dimples are prominent, making her smile even more charming.

“All the girls would fall in love with you.”

“Yeah?”

Her eyebrows raised with the question, her smile lingering, more of a smirk now. The tip of her tongue, visible at the edge of her lips, distracting Kieu My from responding until it slips out of view again.

Eyes still fixated on Fatou’s lips, Kieu My’s voice is barely above a whisper.

“Easily.”

There’s no response from Fatou and when Kieu My’s eyes flick upwards, she sees that Fatou’s eyes are hooded, gaze too low for Kieu My’s face. She watches quietly as Fatou’s eyes travel up her body, slowing slightly when they reach Kieu My’s lips, until they land on Kieu My’s eyes again.

She doesn’t hesitate this time, one hand running up Fatou’s thigh while the other reaches out to the back of Fatou’s neck. She surges forward and Fatou’s mouth is slightly parted, ready for the kiss, eagerly accepting the moment Kieu My’s tongue slips inside.

A soft moan joins the sounds of their heavy breathing as Fatou pulls Kieu My closer, snaking her hand from Kieu My’s waist up her back. She inhales shakily before leaning back into Kieu My’s kiss.

“Fatou,” Kieu My whimpers, overcome by her reciprocation.

“Wait.”

Fatou pulls away, her hands at Kieu My’s wrists stilling her actions.

“Fuck.”

Kieu My’s heart is still pounding in her chest, she can’t process Fatou’s sudden movements. She’s standing and moving further away, hand wiping away the kiss that she had just a few seconds ago been eagerly engaged in.

“We shouldn’t do this.” She’s starting to mumble, her words coming out of her mouth too fast to be understood. “ . . . friends . . . “

“Fatou,” Kieu My stands, the reason for her racing heart is now sheer panic.

“I should go.”

“Wait, Fatou, le-” She follows after her, but Fatou has already opened the door and disappeared down the stairwell.

Chapter Text

Kieu My stands frozen at the doorway staring down the hallway, still trying to process what had just occurred. She can understand that Fatou would be surprised; Kieu My was surprised. She thought she had made a firm decision to not say anything to Fatou, she wanted to be selfless for her, but instead she seems to have made the worst possible choice.

For a brief moment it felt like her lack of control, her lunging in to kiss Fatou was something that she wanted. The way Fatou’s hand had slid up her back, holding Kieu My close. The way she moaned into Kieu My’s mouth. All signs indicated that Fatou wanted Kieu My as badly as she’d been wanting Fatou, but then it was over.

She doesn’t know if she should go after Fatou or stay. Kieu My rocks back and forth on her heels, finally deciding to race down the stairs after her.

When she reaches the front door, Fatou is nowhere to be found.

***

Kieu My's eyes are glazed over, having stared so long at the candle she doesn't realize that the flame has begun to dance wildly in response to the draft created by her front door being opened.

"Kieu, everything okay?"

"You know the power is back on?"

Kieu My blinks out of her daze, registering that Yara and Zoe have returned and are taking to her.

She has no idea when the lights kicked back on, the shock of all that had transpired kept her unaware of everything around her, replaying the look on Fatou's face as she wiped away their kiss and ran off.

"I fucked everything up," She informs them, leaning forward to blow out the candle, accepting that Fatou is gone and she's not coming back.

***

"So you all kissed!"

“Yes, but did you hear the part where she ran away.”

“Do you remember the part where she let you stick your tongue down her throat?!”

“Zoe, help, Yara’s too Yara.”

“Okay, you kissed her, and she kissed you back, but then she ran away?”

“Yes!”

“Did she say anything?”

“I don’t know. All I heard her say was ‘wait’ and something about friends and I tried to catch her, but I took too long. And now I don't know if I should call her or leave things alone.”

“Well, what do you want?” Zoe asks her, gently tugging Kieu My until she stops her pacing and returns to her seat on the sofa with her and Yara.

“I wanted her to want me back, I wanted to talk and now I just want to go back before I even kissed her.”

“Why don’t you ask her to talk. She wouldn’t have kissed you back if there wasn’t something there.” Yara pitches in.

“Yeah, she’s right, Kieu. It sounds like it came out of nowhere, maybe she’s just shocked and tomorrow she’ll be ready to talk.”

Kieu My nods at Zoe's reasoning. It's the best she can hope for at this point.

“I think I’m going to go to bed. All of this has me so drained. Oh,-" Kieu My looks back at them, "Please don’t tell anyone else about this.”

With their reassurances she falls into bed, instinctively checking Fatou’s Instagram. There are no new stories since she’d last posted - their beers side by side, surrounded by the candles.

It's late, she doesn't expect a response, but she knows she'll never fall asleep if she doesn't say something.

Hey, I’m sorry about tonight
Can we please talk?

***

Kieu My's day off from work would normally mean a lazy start to the day, reveling in the hours before her where she could devote to matters of her own choosing. Typically she'd ask her friends to go out for food or she might go shopping, but Kieu My didn't think she was able to function socially without rehashing her kiss with Fatou.

She spent the day alone trying to distract herself from the fact that Fatou had still not responded to her message asking that they talk, but after twenty four hours Kieu My decides she can't wait any longer.

I don’t want to bother you
I just want to know you’re okay
I’m sorry

As soon as the message goes through she darkens the screen and tosses the phone on her bed, considering what she'll do to get through the next day of waiting. She's just about to walk out of her bedroom when a chime sounds from the phone. Kieu My eyes it suspiciously, convinced the universe has had a friend text her at just the right moment to get her hopes up only to leave her feeling further defeated.

I just need some space

This was worse than having been faked out by a text from someone else.

***

"I’m not going with you," Kieu My insists.

"You have to come with us, it’s our last chance to go out before Zoe leaves us for New Zealand again."

"Yeah, c’mon Kieu, you have to come with us."

"Isn’t everyone going to be there? It’s going to be weird. Fatou and I still haven’t talked since I kissed her."

"She knows you’re coming and it’s fine."

"How do you know it’s fine?"

"Just trust me, okay. It’s fine. So you’re coming. Unless you want her to think that you don’t want to see her."

Kieu My glares at Yara for a second before giving in.

"Fine, let me get ready."

***

They’ve taken a few steps into the bar and Kieu My is already considering turning around and hailing a new cab to take her right back home. But Yara and Zoe are pressed at either side,ushering her further into the already crowded space. The only sign of uncertainty to Kieu My’s demeanor is the way she rolls a ring between her fingers.

They weave through the loitering parties, headed for the back deck where Zoe had informed them everyone else was already gathered. The weather still not warm enough to attract many other patrons outside meant quicker service from the bar there. Undoubtedly, Ismail’s idea to brave the temporary cold for this trade off.

“Hey!” Nora waves them over, most of the group lounging on the chairs set out.

“Fatou and Josh are grabbing shots.” Ismail bobs his head in the direction of the bar.

Josh had a hold on the tray of shots, his balance impressive, making his way over without spilling any of the liquor.

“Shots?” Josh passed the tray around until Fatou’s hand reached out for the last one. Her fingers take hold of it and then for a split second it seems like she’s going to drop it. “Whoa, careful, Fatou!”

“S-sorry.”

“To Zoe’s last night. I promise to try not to keep you from leaving tomorrow.”

“Aw, Nori, thank you. It’s been so good being back home, with everyone I love and miss. I can’t wait for the next visit.”

They all shoot their tequila with ease, the clattering of the shot glasses being returned to the tray marking the real beginning of their night.

“Damn,” Yara steps back to take a closer look at Fatou. “Your fits are always just,” she kisses her fingertips in appreciation.

“Wow, Fatou, really you look so good.”

“Oh,” Fatou looks down at her outfit. Her partially unbuttoned shirt draws Kieu My’s eyes down her throat, to her collarbone, and then she forces herself to look away, to not continue following the neckline created by this outfit choice. “Thanks.”

“I helped her choose her outfit.” Ismail informs the group.

“No, you told her you wouldn’t be seen with her if she insisted on wearing her sweater. I’m the one who helped with her outfit.”

“Okay, yeah, it was mostly Ava."

"It was nice and comfortable."

"Whatever, let's dance!"

Ismail grabs hold of Fatou's hand and leads her away to the dance floor.

***

“I’m sorry, I spilled on you!” Zoe apologizes for the fourth time.

“It’s okay, it was just water, and you can’t even tell because my dress is black. I just wanted an excuse to take a break.”

Kieu My leans back against the countertop, trying to release the tension in her body, wound up from fighting the urge to pull Fatou aside. Despite her best efforts, Kieu My keeps finding her gaze fixed on Fatou, but Fatou won’t return the look.

“It’s okay,” Kieu My reassures Zoe, squeezing her cheeks softly so that Zoe will release the scrunched face she’s been making since she realized Kieu My’s real reason for dragging her to the restroom.

“So you all still haven’t talked?”

“I think she’s avoiding me, honestly. Maybe I shouldn’t have come after all.”

“Maybe it’s just too loud here, like this isn’t the best place to talk. Maybe tomorrow, now that you’ve actually seen each other since, you know, the kiss.”

“Maybe,” Kieu My shrugs uncertainly, glancing at the door she’ll soon have to walk through. To get back to being so close to Fatou and yet not able to just reach out to her and ask to talk. . "I'm going to miss you," Kieu My cries out, wrapping her arms tightly around Zoe. As distressed as she’s been feeling since Fatou’s return, Kieu My knows it would be so much worse if Yara and Zoe weren’t there.

"Aw, baby, don't make me literally cry in the club."

"Sorry!" Kieu My laughs it off. "It's been good having you back, fun, and you're always there for me."

"Always here for you." Zoe reassures her with a loving smile.

“Okay, let’s go.”

Kieu My pushes herself off of the counter and braces herself.

***

Zoe’s energy on the dance floor is the distraction Kieu My needs to take her mind off of Fatou. She pulls her deeper into the masses, until all Kieu My feels is the bass. Eyes closed, she rolls with the music, remembering the way Fatou would always take a few minutes to work up the nerve to dance with her. A pair of hands are at her waist and Kieu My’s eyes blink open, disappointed when she sees it’s some random guy.

She pushes his hands away and grabs Zoe’s hand, returning them to the spot where their friends had stayed, the lighting illuminating their small group, and there in the center of them all is Fatou. Dancing in the way she does when she feels the music deep within the core of her being.

The moment is broken when someone bumps into Fatou, her hands holding out to Fatou, the smile on her face as she offers an apology too enthusiastic. Her hands have lingered too long, slinking away, maintaining contact for as long as possible.

Kieu My lets out a heavy exhale hidden by the sound of the music and she drains her glass.

“If you're trying to play it cool, you're doing a shit job.”

“Thanks,” Kieu My responds sarcastically. “I just, do you see her?”

Yara looks over her shoulder quickly and then wraps her arms around Kieu My, forcing her to dance with her.

“She’s not Fatou’s type.”

“She's really cute. She's probably everyone's type. And look at how Fatou is laughing with her.”

“Fatou is nice. Laughing doesn't mean anything. And again, that girl is not her type. She’s more into the tall, dark haired, femmes. Secret softies. You know the type.”

She laughs sadly. There was a time where that would have been no question. They had no eyes for anyone else when they were dating. But now . . .

“Fuck, I think she caught me staring. Oh, she definitely caught me staring.”

The smile is gone from Fatou’s face when she looks over at Kieu My. The look is short, painfully so. She didn’t want to be caught and yet, she wishes that Fatou would look at her for more than one second. It’s torture being so close to her and not being able to talk to her.

“I'm going to go -”

“Are you sure?” Yara asks, but Kieu My has already left her arms.

She’s moving too quickly, impatient to get to Fatou, and then she’s bumped into someone. She tries to walk away with a rushed apology, not wanting to take her eyes off of Fatou, but the guy stands in her way.

He’s accepted her apology and is trying to start a conversation with her. She puts her hand on his forearm and looks at him with her most serious face.

“I’m not interested. Trust me.”

She looks back to see that Fatou’s looking right back and then she’s turned away, walking towards the exit.

There’s no hesitation this time.

Kieu My continues to push past the people in her way, telling herself that this time she’ll catch up to her in time.

She’s out the door, looking to the left and then the right. Fatou is walking determinedly away and Kieu My worries that she’ll catch a cab before she gets to her. Despite the heels she’s wearing, Kieu My picks up her pace to an almost jog, calling out to her. Fatou’s head begins to turn towards her voice but then she continues forward.

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know!”

“Fatou, stop!” Kieu My has finally gotten close enough to reach out for Fatou’s arm.

“Don’t.” Fatou pulls her arm away, she takes a sharp turn into an alley in between the building, finally turning to look Kieu My in the eyes. She doesn’t look away this time, but there’s nothing calm about her right now.

“Don’t - you, you don’t get to be jealous of a stranger tonight. You can’t look at me like that in there. Not after - fuck Kieu My! I waited for you for months after you left me. LEFT ME, just completely abandoned me. You don’t get to come back and - Why am I so stupid? I’m so fucking stupid -”

Fatou turns around holding her head in her hands, no longer able to look at Kieu My.

“I’m sorry!” Kieu My’s voice cracks with the force of her words. It was the first time they’d ever acknowledged their break up. The first time that Kieu My has apologized. So many years overdue. “I was the stupid one, Fatou, not you. I am SO sorry and I have regretted it every night since, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT -”

“I loved you, and you just . . .” Her voice has softened, drained from her earlier outburst.

“I never stopped loving you.” The tears are coursing down her face now. “I was scared to lose you, so I,” her breath is shaky as she presses on, “I wish I hadn’t done it, Fatou. It was selfish of me then, and it’s selfish of me now. I have no right to be jealous, no right, but I still love you and I don’t think I’ll ever stop, and I wish I could take it all back. . .”

Kieu My doesn’t know what else to say, because she can’t. What she wants most in the world is to rewrite their history. To have never broken up with Fatou. To have never lost her love.

Their voices have stopped echoing off the walls and it’s just the sound of Fatou sniffling and Kieu My holding onto the brick facade of the building to keep herself from rushing forward.

“God,” Fatou cries out, her voice full of pain and anger. She turns around quickly and in a few short steps she’s pressed herself against Kieu My, running her hands along her neck and then into her hair, placing a rough kiss to her lips.

The shock quickly washes away and Kieu My envelops Fatou in her arms, kissing her back, holding her close, not wanting any space or time coming between them.

When Fatou pulls away, she worries that it will be a repeat of their last kiss. Fatou running away, full of regret. But Fatou reaches out for Kieu My’s hand and pulls her along back to the sidewalk where she hails a cab, providing her address to the driver before pulling Kieu My back into a kiss.

*** [this is where you may want to look away] ***

Fatou shuts the door quickly, pressing Kieu My against it, her kisses still as pressured as they were in the alley. Kieu My’s purse clatters to the ground and then she kicks off her heels, her lips trailing down to Fatou’s neck until she feels herself being pulled along again, her brain clouded and full of nothing but Fatou.

The moon offers the only light in Fatou’s room, enough for Kieu My to be able to appreciate how incredibly good Fatou looked. Kieu My’s hands smooth over Fatou’s shirt, to her neck, and then back down, allowing her hands to dip under the fabric. They both make fast work of losing their clothing, only distracted by the occasional kiss to newly exposed skin, fingers trailing, squeezing, until they’re in Fatou’s bed.

Kieu My lets out a gasp when Fatou lays atop her, deeply satisfied by the pressure of her body, Kieu My squeezes Fatou with appreciation. Her body shivers despite the heat radiating off of her as Fatou’s kisses trail down her chest, lower and lower until she’s removed every last article of Kieu My’s clothing.

Her breathing is erratic, her body feels like a live wire, sparking at each of Fatou’s ministrations.

“Please,” Kieu My is barely able to get out, her hands weakly guiding Fatou back up, slipping in between them, but before she can reach her destination, Fatou has taken Kieu My’s hands to rest on the pillow above their heads. One hand holds them gently, while the other resumes her previous work.

Kieu My does her best to keep her eyes open, watching the darkening of Fatou’s eyes with each new sound she elicits from Kieu My until she pulls Fatou into a kiss, muffling the sounds of her climax, the only thing keeping her from proclaiming her love, until her body begins to release all of the tension and she falls asleep, satisfied beyond measure.

Chapter Text

Kieu My’s body aches pleasantly, the combination of insufficient sleep and last night’s activities. Although if she looks at the clock on Fatou’s dresser, it was the activities of just a few hours ago. Kieu My stretches her arms out to the sides, trying to push away the tension, seeking out Fatou’s warm body to drive away the chill which likely woke her.

Her hands only find an empty space and more cold air. Kieu My turns her eyes to where she would expect Fatou to be, blinking until her eyes adjust to the dark room. Illuminated at the edge of the bed is Fatou, head bent forward, seemingly unaware of Kieu My’s stirrings. Most of the blankets are pooled around Fatou, explaining the cold that surrounds Kieu My.

Carefully she slides forward, reaching out one hand to Fatou’s back, letting her know that she’s awake. Before she can say anything, she hears a clatter, a shuffle, and then Fatou drops a blanket onto the ground, covering whatever it was she had been looking at so intently.

“You should go,” Fatou informs her. In any other situation her flat, matter of fact voice might not have stirred such discomfort in Kieu My, but this isn’t any other moment between the two of them. Fatou continues to stare straight ahead, and Kieu My pulls her hand back, miserably aware of the fact that she’s still naked while Fatou has thrown on a shirt and a pair of boxer briefs.

“Shit, Fatou, do you regret what happened? I know we were drunk, but I didn’t think too drunk f-”

“No, it’s not that, um, I don’t know.”

Kieu My wraps the thin sheet around herself, tossing her legs over the bed so that she’s seated beside Fatou.

“I know we need to talk.”

“You’re right, but Ava.”

“Ava?”

Fatou finally looks over at Kieu My and for the first time she feels like she can read Fatou’s face. The hesitation as she worries her bottom lip, the confusion in her knitted brow, and a sadness she almost wishes she couldn’t see so plainly in Fatou’s eyes.

“I haven’t told her anything. Not about the kiss . . . or about how I’ve been feeling at all. I - I don’t want her to hear us -”

“So I should go.”

“Sorry.”

“I get it.”

Kieu My searches the floor for her clothing, until she sees that Fatou has nodded towards the desk. Her dress is folded neatly there, beside her heels and purse as well as a pair of sweatpants and oversized t-shirt. Fatou had been preparing to ask her to leave since the moment she woke up.

Kieu My’s discomfort grows as she throws on the clothing laid out for her, saving her at least from having to do a walk of shame. Even if there’s nothing about last night that brings her shame.

It’s a quiet walk to the front door, trying to ensure that neither Ismail nor Ava would awaken to find Kieu My clearly sneaking out of Fatou’s bedroom at 4 a.m. She waits until they’re as far from the bedrooms as possible before speaking again.

“I can get Yara out of the house today. If you can come over, we can talk then. Privately.”

Fatou nods and it’s enough for Kieu My right now.

***

Kieu My wasn’t always good at lying, especially not to her closest friends, so the minute Yara emerged from her bedroom, Kieu My told her the simple truth. She needed Yara to leave the apartment so she and Fatou could talk.

She hadn’t decided what she would say to Yara if she asked questions. She only knew that she wasn’t ready to give her any details about what happened last night with Fatou. At the very least not until she was able to talk to Fatou about everything.

Surprisingly she wasn’t met with any questions. Yara had her own distractions last night and was completely unaware that Kieu My had spent the night elsewhere. In her excitement at the prospect of Kieu My and Fatou agreeing to talk, she rushed to vacate the apartment, narrating her hopes and expectations that Kieu My share everything upon her return.

With that accomplished, Kieu My texted Fatou, stomach aflutter with nerves. There was nothing to do now but wait.

***

When Fatou texted Kieu My to let her know that she was on her way, the beating of her heart increased further. In the time that she had spent tidying the already spotless apartment, Kieu My’s brain had taken to fixating on the realization that this would be the first time they were having an intentional, planned conversation. This wasn’t something that would be numbed with alcohol nor was it something happening unexpectedly. The anticipation, the not knowing what would come is terrifying. Kieu My goes back to her mirror to check her makeup, distracting herself until she finally hears the knock at her apartment door.

Kieu My takes in a deep breath after her sprint to the door, reminding herself to act calmly. She opens the door, exhaling a brief hello and making sure to give Fatou a wide enough berth to walk into the hallway.

Fatou doesn’t return the greeting. She isn’t more than a few steps in before the door shuts behind her and she dismisses Kieu My’s invitation that they go to the living room. Her look is set and determined as she dives right into talking.

“I don't know what I want Kieu My. I don't regret last night, but I don't know that it should happen again.”

Kieu My opens her mouth, but she finds that she doesn’t know how to respond. The part of her that was grateful to hear again that Fatou didn’t regret their night together was quickly subsumed by the second half of her sentence. Last night, for Kieu My, had been the culmination of her repressed emotions, the physical expression of reconnecting with the person she’s loved most and missed for far too long. Being able to hold Fatou, kiss her, to finally start to say everything she hasn’t been able to before. It was so far from an act of regret for her.

She lets out a breath, still unable to find words, and Fatou’s eyes travel from Kieu My’s mouth, waiting for her to say something, and back up to her eyes. They implore Kieu My to talk, but she still stands there frozen, until her vision blurs with the tears starting to form. The realization that this conversation wasn’t going to be what brought them back together, but the final nail in their coffin renews her sadness.

“Fuck.” Fatou shuts her eyes, avoiding having to see Kieu My begin to break down. She runs her hands over her head, holding tight as though all of her thoughts would jump out if she didn’t contain it. “Did you mean it?”

“What, the sex -”

“When you said you never stopped loving me? That you regretted it every day.”

Fatou’s voice no longer sounds so strong, using all of her energy to get out each question, the tremor in her voice betraying the fear mixed in with her curiosity. Her look is piercing, as she waits for the answer to a question she hadn’t planned on asking.

Kieu My swallows back the lump in her throat. “Yeah. It was the biggest regret of my life.”

“Then why did you do it?” She asks more loudly, the anger and pain from last night returned.

Except, it’s not an anger and pain that has ever left Fatou. Maybe Fatou had healed in all these years better than Kieu My had, but it’s clearer to her now that Fatou has been doing her own avoiding. Fatou had never felt comfortable with her anger, feeling it, expressing it.

It’s not the anger or frustration that brings down Kieu My’s tears. It’s the sad confusion that accompanies it. The same lack of understanding that covered her face when Kieu My broke up with her. Fatou had never understood why their relationship ended, and it has haunted her every year since.

“I was scared, Fatou, so scared, and I was selfish -”

“You didn't think we were worth trying?”

“No! It’s not that.” Kieu My’s fist clench at her side, keeping her still. “I loved you so much, it terrified me that we were going to be so far apart for so long. And I was scared we were going to grow apart, that you’d fall out of love with me. I couldn’t imagine the pain of losing you after even more time. Of you finding someone else. Someone better -”

“I loved you completely. Do you know how hard it was to move on when you broke my heart and then refused to give me closure?”

“I’m sorry . . .” Kieu My’s voice is barely above a whisper, unable to gather strength or anything better to say. There was nothing she could say to justify her actions, to remedy the pain she’d so carelessly inflicted upon Fatou. All she had was remorse.

Fatou looks away again, wiping away her own tears, before continuing. “I can't even yell at you because I hate to see you cry. I want to yell at you but I want to hug you and everything feels so messy. What do you even want, Kieu My?”

“You. Us.”

Her breathing is loud as the tears continue to pour. She’s trying to hold it together or at least find the ability to cry as quietly as Fatou seems to be. A tear rolls down Fatou’s cheek, moving slowly, until a blink adds another teardrop and moves them along more hurriedly. Two small streams flowing from her eyes.

“It’s not that easy.”

“I'm not looking for easy. I... I made the biggest mistake and I had no idea how to fix it. I accepted that I‘d never love again. But now we’re here. Back in each other’s lives and I had to tell you Fatou. Even if this is it, and you never want to see me again. I couldn’t live with more regret. I love you. I want us. So if there’s a chance, please . . .”

A short, dry laugh escapes Fatou as she shakes her head.

“I tried, you know, really hard not to fall back into your orbit.” Fatou breathes in deeply, her look has softened, her sad brown eyes have warmed again. Her voice quieter now, “I failed.”

Kieu My inhales deeply, understanding sinking in. “Can I?” She pauses her movement forward until Fatou nods. And then she’s right before her. Kieu My’s thumbs wipe away what’s left of the tears on Fatou’s cheek, pressing her forehead to Fatou’s when a fresh wave falls.

“I’m sorry,” Kieu My repeats.

Fatou nods in acknowledgement, allowing herself to hold Kieu My close, to lay her head into Kieu My’s neck and breathe her in as Kieu My’s arms move to envelop her. The tension in her body finally releasing.

***

In and Out. Their breaths move uniformly no longer impaired by crying. Pressed into each other’s arms, Kieu My can feel Fatou’s heart beat steadily. She doesn’t want to interrupt this moment, but she’s not certain when Yara will be coming back.

Kieu My strokes the base of Fatou’s head, just above her neck, letting Fatou know that this tranquility is about to be interrupted.

“So what does this mean?” She keeps her voice low and hushed. “I know what I want, but what do you?”

“I don't think we can be friends.” Fatou hesitates, biting on her bottom lip, as she tries to find how to express herself.

“Go ahead, you can tell me. Whatever it is. I’m ready.” Kieu My reassures.

“I.. I don’t want to label things. Or tell anyone. At least not until I understand what I want better. But that sounds shitty . . .”

“No. I get it. Would this mean that we could go out, like on dates?”

Fatou’s lip quirks at the question, a moment of happiness in what has been an exhaustingly serious afternoon.

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

“Great.” Kieu My returns the small smile.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

This time a small laugh accompanies Fatou’s smile. “I should go.”

Kieu My nods with understanding, ready to open the door when Fatou stops her hand before she can turn the knob. It’s short and quick, but Fatou places a small kiss at Kieu My’s cheek before she walks out.

She can feel the renewed desire to cry, but this time it’s hope.

Chapter Text

Kieu My startles when she hears the sound of the front door shut, a pair of feet discarding their shoes before shuffling down to the living room. She’d fallen asleep briefly, her tears having made her tired.

Yara’s face soon pops into the living room, eyes wide in excitement looking around the living room for signs of the afternoon, before she settles on Kieu My’s face and registers the red, swollen eyes. Her face drops, the disappointment at not finding Kieu My and Fatou in a compromising position as she’d expected is suffocated by the heartache she feels for Kieu My.

She had been so certain that Kieu My and Fatou would find their way back to each other. Ever since Josh mentioned Fatou’s impending return to Berlin, Yara had been wondering what this would mean for Kieu My; and then when she saw how Kieu My and Fatou looked at each other in Aquarius, Yara had been sure her instincts were right.

She would have never pushed Kieu My to pursue things with Fatou if she had known this is how it would end. Yara never wanted to see her friend as broken as she’d been after their breakup and although circumstances are significantly different now, Yara knows that the intensity of Kieu My’s love hasn’t changed.

“Shit, I’m sorry.” Yara rushes to Kieu My and embraces her tightly. “I really thought I’d be walking back to good news. Are you okay?”

“Uh, yeah,” Kieu My answers, words lilting up like her answer is really a question.

“We don’t have to talk about it.” Yara informs her, “but if you want to, when you’re ready, I’m here.”

Yara’s hand is warm upon her own, her eyes offering understanding and compassion. The memories of all the times Yara has shared Kieu My’s pain, staying strong for her when she’s wanted to give up, makes Kieu My feel guilty about her promise to Fatou that they wouldn’t tell anyone about their decision to see where their relationship might go. Kieu My knows she can’t tell Yara everything, but she wants to ease her worries.

“It was a good talk, honestly. We needed it. She just, I hurt her so bad, Yara. And well, we want different things so,” Kieu My shrugs, allowing Yara to draw her own conclusion, to assume that there was no hope for Kieu My and Fatou to be anything more than friends.

“What do you need?”

“A distraction. Where were you today?”

“Uh, well, I don’t know if you want to hear about it now, but I finally told Erin I wanted to take her out so -”

“The bartender?! You did it?!” Kieu My lights up, wiping away the last of her tears.

“Yeah, Zoe made me do it last night, so I asked her out for lunch today.”

“Tell me all about it!”

Kieu My’s smile is genuine and she listens attentively as Yara explains what Kieu My had missed when she left Aquarius.

***

Kieu My deletes the text she’d been working on for - she glances at the time on her computer - the past fifteen minutes. Everything she’s tried to write feels stupid and so she turns her phone over, ignoring the screen and tells herself to get back to work.

She’s wanted to talk to Fatou since they agreed that they were . . . something between friends and dating, but she hasn’t known how to start the conversation. It isn’t until Kieu My is sitting in an excruciatingly long meeting that the solution comes to her. Carefully she pulls her phone out and finds the meme that perfectly encapsulates her feelings about being stuck listening to this one annoying co-worker drone on and on.

Fatou responds quickly with a gif and now Kieu My is biting back a smile, even more eager for the meeting to be called to an end.

So what’s the meeting about?

A follow up about this research grant we applied for
But there’s really not a lot to say - we’re just waiting to see if we get it

Normally that would be the end of the conversation. People usually weren’t very interested when Kieu My started to mention her work as a research assistant, but she forgot that this is Fatou. Beyond being polite, Fatou is actually interested in hearing about the astronomical phenomena she would be engrossed in researching if awarded this funding.

Fatou follows each of Kieu My’s texts with more questions, matching Kieu My’s excitement.

The sound of shuffling chairs alerts Kieu My to the fact the meeting has finally drawn to a close, and she’s actually sad to have to return to her desk and get back to work. There’s less than half of her work day left, but no matter how many times she tells herself that it will just be a few hours before she can resume talking to Fatou, she can’t convince herself to put her phone away.

Kieu My is fascinated to learn that most of Fatou’s meetings involve an animal, which Kieu My insists makes Fatou’s meetings always better than hers. Kieu My groans audibly, followed by laughter when Fatou reminds her that animals don’t ask to go to the restroom when they need to relieve themselves.

They share horror stories about work and then some of their favorite moments, their conversation evolving throughout the day, until Kieu My is at home with takeout for dinner staring at her phone waiting for Fatou’s next text. She wishes they were having dinner together in person, instead of texting through their meals, but it feels good to be able to talk to Fatou so freely, to not have to worry if she’s texting too much, if her interest is too obvious.

The next day she doesn’t hesitate to wish Fatou a good morning, making sure that her Instagram story includes a selfie.

It was easier to focus on work knowing that Fatou wasn’t going to disappear if she took more than a few minutes to respond. She was able to maintain a balance between focusing on work and texting Fatou until the last hour of the day when she decided to watch Fatou’s Instagram story. It was a few seconds of Fatou doing a silly dance, dimples on full display.

😍
Cute dance

😅😁

The rest of the week is much the same, and by Friday night, Kieu My decides she’s ready to ask Fatou the question she’s been wanting to pose since they last saw each other. Her heart beats louder with each word she types, until she finally hits send.

Is it too soon to ask you on a date?

She stares at her phone anxiously, watching the three dots of Fatou typing out her response.

No
It’s not too soon

How about dinner
Tomorrow night?

Yeah, sounds good 😊

Kieu My lets out the breath she was holding and runs into the living room, squealing with glee. Yara is out with Erin, so she doesn’t have to restrain her happiness the way she’s been trying to hide her smiles whenever a text from Fatou would come through. The only thing that would make this moment better would be if she could share it with anyone, but it’s enough to know that tomorrow night, she’ll be with Fatou.

Their first date.

***

Kieu My had spent too much time finding an outfit to wear. She wanted to look casual, but not so casual that it looked like she wasn't making an effort, a balance that took hours for her to find, delaying her departure from her apartment.

Despite taking longer than anticipated to settle on an outfit and apply the light layer of everyday makeup, Kieu My knew she had plenty of time to arrive early. She’d looked up her destination ahead of time and found that there was a stationery store nearby where she was planning to loiter until a couple of minutes before she and Fatou had agreed on meeting.

She’s walking upon the shop and falters in her step when she notices that Fatou is there, looking into the shop’s window.

“Fatou?” She turns around at the sound of her name, surprised to see Kieu My. “You’re early.”

“I didn’t want to be late and,” Fatou shrugs, “So are you.”

“I didn’t want to be late either. And, um, I was going to buy some paper to write Zoe a letter, but I can do that later.”

“No, I mean, if you want, we can go in together. I was telling myself I didn’t need anything, but,” Fatou points at a display of aquatic themed erasers, “so cute.”

Kieu My nods happily. “Okay, it shouldn’t take long.”

“Nice.” Fatou mutters under her breath, pulling the door open to allow Kieu My to enter the shop first. The bell tinkles above them and the woman at the counter looks up, offering them a warm greeting.

It’s a small shop and it doesn’t take them long to find their way to the aisle that has what Kieu My is looking for. Kieu My walks past the letter writing sets at the end of the aisle, moving further towards the center, seeking something simpler for her purposes.

“So do you and Zoe always send each other handwritten letters?”

“No,” Kieu My laughs at how odd it must seem that she’s purchasing paper specifically for this. “We usually stick to texting and we video chat pretty regularly. But sometimes I get in the mood to write a letter. It gives me this kind of nostalgia that I really like and well Zoe is my only friend that lives away right now. It would feel kind of silly to send a letter to anyone else.”

“Are you kidding me? I’d love to receive a letter if it’s on this paper.” Fatou points out the set with pandas floating through space.

“See that’s my dilemma, should I get something more sophisticated like this, or cute, like this?”

“Hmm,” Fatou narrows her eyes looking at the two options Kieu My has presented. “Okay, go for the sophisticated paper - easier to read off of, but,” she draws out the word “get cute accessories, like this!”

Fatou rushes down the aisle and returns with a set of pens, an assortment of bright colors, bubble tea charms hanging off the caps.

“Oh my god, so cute!”

“Right?!”

“Okay, let’s get out of here before we end up buying ten more things, because I see some notepads calling me over.”

“Don’t look at it!” Fatou urges her forward to the register.

***

It was an unexpected start to their date, but Kieu My was glad to have found Fatou at the stationery shop. There was something about the unplanned detour of the night that erased all of the tension she’d been feeling in anticipation of their meal together.

Soon they were seated at the table across from each other, ordering their food, and engrossed in conversation. It felt silly that just an hour ago her stomach had been doing twists and turns at the thought of this moment, terrified that they’d find themselves on this date after years apart and realize it was too awkward to move forward.

But dinner was easy, like most things were with Fatou. They talked about their weekend plans, and when Fatou informed Kieu My that her Sunday would be filled with anime, Kieu My admitted that she hadn’t watched any anime since before university. Kieu My details the latest documentary she’d watched and then they were talking about work; sooner than she liked, Kieu My realized their plates had long been empty and it was time to leave.

Kieu My takes her time gathering her purse and shopping bag, trying to draw out the little time she has left with Fatou. She’s reluctant to look up from the ground to meet Fatou’s eyes, not ready to hear her wish her a good night, not wanting to watch her walk away.

“You know, if you still have time," Fatou looks at her hopefully, "I could really go for some bubble tea right now.”

Kieu My bites back her smile.

“I always want bubble tea.”

“Great, one of my favorite places is just a few minutes away, do you mind if we walk there? It’s just along the river.”

“Perfect.”

The sun is starting to set, a melange of warm orange and bright pink tones reflecting off of the still water of the river. The lights along the street are coming alive and the bustle of the people on the street surround their quiet bubble, both focused on the beauty surrounding them.

“You know, if I couldn’t live in space, I’d want to live in the water.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Kieu My informs Fatou.

“No?”

“No. You’ve always seemed… so blue to me.”

"Blue?" Fatou’s laughter is short, turning to Kieu My for further explanation.

“Yeah, it’s, well, like whenever I think of you I think of the color blue. Not the ice cold blues of winter, but all of the other blues.” Her voice grows softer, recalling specific moments of her time with Fatou that encapsulate the feelings she’s trying to describe. “The medium blues, the ones that make you feel calm, at peace.”

Fatou feels closer than a few paces ago. Kieu My’s hand has grazed against Fatou’s twice now. She keeps her focus ahead and continues.

“And then sometimes you make me think of the deep dark blues that captivate you because it's so deep and mysterious.” When their swinging hands make contact again, Kieu my reaches a finger out, hooking Fatou onto her hand, until she entwines their hands together completely.

“Just like water. It's soothing. Gentle but strong, and there's so much more than anyone would ever expect."

Fatou stays quiet, her eyes no longer on Kieu My, she presses a light squeeze to her hand.

They stay like this for the remainder of their walk until they have to separate to order their bubble tea. Kieu My misses the feeling of Fatou’s warm hand in her own, but once they return to the street, Fatou reaches back out, cupping their hands together.

They traverse the streets of Berlin linked together until they’ve arrived on Fatou’s street. The darkness of the night has fully settled on the city and the light from Fatou’s building behind her illuminates her in a radiant halo. Kieu My runs her thumb across Fatou’s hand one last time, eyes running along Fatou’s features, wanting to memorize this look to carry with her on her way back home.

Fatou holds her hand tighter, keeping her in place. Her eyes travel slowly across Kieu My’s face, tracing her brows and then down her nose, settling at her lips for a second before she steps closer, leaning up until they’re kissing. It’s slow and sweet, completely different from the kisses they’d shared last.

When they part, Kieu My takes in a deep breath, eyes still closed savoring the kiss, until Fatou finally wishes her a good night.

***

The excitement of such a perfectly beautiful first date had Kieu My forgetting to prepare for entering her apartment. She should have taken a few minutes to compose herself, get her smile under control, but she walked into the flat, eyes bright and a smile she couldn’t contain.

“Whoa? What’s got you so happy?” Yara asks enthusiastically, excited to see her roommate doing more than just hiding in her room.

“Oh,” Kieu My startles, she fishes for something to say when she remembers a piece of news she had yet to share with Yara. “I just found out that we got the grant at work, and I’ve been asked to lead the research team - well co-lead, but still.”

“Kieu My, that’s amazing! We need to toast” Yara rummages through their cabinet and pulls out a bottle of vodka. “We don’t have champagne or anything, so it’s going to be a shot.”

“Works for me.”

“To new beginnings!”

“To new beginnings!”

Chapter Text

The bed is covered with pages of the grant proposal that Kieu My is trying to read through, focusing on the requirements her team will be expected to adhere to. There isn’t enough white space on the pages to accommodate all of her notes, requiring her to pull out her cell phone where she can put everything into her notes app.

At least that was her intention before her hands moved on auto-pilot and pulled up her messages with Fatou. The texts were more sporadic, both of them becoming too busy with work in the past week, but it’s been consistent. They text each day, at the very least in the beginning of the day and at the end of the night.

If it wasn’t for the work Kieu My had brought home with her, she’d be texting Fatou right now. Or maybe she’d call her. Her finger hovers over the call button, missing the sound of Fatou’s voice. It had been too long since they were last together, but she told herself that she needed to focus on work. This was a big opportunity and she didn’t want to ruin her first leadership role because she was distracted.

Kieu My drops her phone onto the bed’s surface, replacing it with a highlighter, prepared to read the next section of the proposal. She leans back into the fluffy pillows propped up against her headboard, trying to trick her mind into believing this is a pleasant, leisurely read and not scrutinizing the too small script of a boring document.

“Kieu My?”

She sits upright, startled by the sound of her name being called out. It was muffled, but very clearly Fatou’s voice. Kieu My’s eyes dart around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, looking for a logical reason and hoping that she hadn’t progressed to a point where she was hearing things.

“Did you mean to call me?” Fatou’s voice comes through again.

Kieu My shuffles her paperwork around, until she finds her phone, screen lit up with Fatou’s face.

“Oh my God,” Kieu My pulls the phone towards her, prepared to offer an apology for the accidental call, but then she notices the video of herself. “Oh, God, I -”

Kieu My drops the phone back onto the bed, rushing to the mirror in her bedroom, releasing the clip that was holding her hair at the top of her head and out of her way as she was reading. She runs her hands through her hair quickly, accepting that she has no time to throw on a better shirt than the Marvin the Martian tee she has on now.

“Hey, sorry,” she answers, out of breath, ignoring the small smirk on Fatou’s face that lets her know Fatou knows exactly what she was doing in her brief disappearance. “It was sort of an accident.”

“Sort of?”

“Well, I wanted to call you, but I told myself I needed to focus.” Kieu My pulls the half read documents into the frame, showing Fatou what she had been working on.

“The grant?”

Kieu My hums an affirmation,

“Should I let you go then?”

“Uh, well, I could probably use a break,” Kieu My responds quickly, preferring a night talking to Fatou. “What are you doing?”

“Doing some serious reading of my own.” Fatou answers solemnly, pulling her reading material into frame. The serious look on Fatou’s face is replaced with silly, wide eyes, as Kieu My reads the title of the manga she’s presented.

Laughing, Kieu My offers to let Fatou get back to her clearly, very busy evening, but she suggests that maybe they could read together.

“-well not together, like you read your stuff, I read mine. Unless that sounds dumb? Or my music is distracting?”

“No, I find it soothing, actually.”

Kieu My watches Fatou’s screen become a blur, the sounds of Fatou’s movement accompanies this, until everything is still again. Fatou has settled into her own bed, folding the spine of her book, so that she can hold it with one hand, the other settling behind her head.

A tingle courses through Kieu My’s body, warmed by the casual hang. It takes her a few seconds to turn her attention back to her work, but when she does, she finds it much easier to focus knowing Fatou is right there.

The music playing in the background is low and every so often, she can hear Fatou turning the page of her book while her pen scratches at the paper.

It’s not until her neck begins to ache and she’s drawn out of her intense focus that she realizes she hasn’t heard a page turn in some time. Kieu My drops her papers and turns her attention to the phone. Her heart swells when she finds the screen filled by Fatou’s sleeping face. The book has fallen onto her chest, rising and falling slowly with Fatou’s breath.

“Good night, Fatou.” Kieu My whispers, prepared to end the call, but her voice has awoken her.

“I’m not asleep.” She responds, eyes blinking rapidly, trying to stay open.

Kieu My laughs at the obvious lie, cupping her hands to her mouth, hoping to muffle the rest of the sound.

Fatou’s eyes wrinkle at the sides, the force of her smile in response to Kieu My’s laughter, keeping her eyes narrowed.

“Oh, really, you’re n-”

Kieu My’s door swings open to Yara and Kieu My’s eyes widen in fear, scrambling to get to her phone before Yara sees anything.

“You’re awake! Great!”

“Yara, you can’t just come into my room without knocking!”

“Sorry, I just heard you in here, and I was really excited to come ask you something.” Yara lays onto Kieu My’s bed, preparing for a conversation and clearly not a passing by comment as Kieu My had hoped.

“So, things are going crazy good with Erin. Like, Kieu, I’m obsessed with her. She’s not just super fucking hot and amazing in bed, but she’s also really cool, and easy to talk to, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I want you to meet her.”

“Meet her? What do you mean, I already know her.”

“No, like meet her. As my best friend, I need to know what you think of her.”

“Shit,” Kieu My realizes what Yara is asking. “You’re serious about her, like you want me to meet her.”

Yara runs her hands over her face, a small blush dusting her cheeks. “Yeah, you know I’ve never been very good at picking out people to date. Or really caring about who I’m dating. But I really like her.”

“Aw, my baby is growing up.” Kieu My smiles at Yara lovingly, pushing back a strand of her hair. “Of course I want to meet her.”

“Good,” Yara breathes out a sigh of relief, turning to her side to better face Kieu My. “So what are you up to? Want to watch a shitty Netflix movie?”

Kieu My’s eyes involuntarily glance at her phone, reminded that she was already spending her night with someone else. Despite it being a quick glance, Yara had noticed it and she’s reaching her hand out for the phone. Kieu My gets there faster than Yara and holds the phone out of reach.

“Were you watching porn? Is that why you’re acting so weird?” Kieu My has no response, leaving Yara to continue talking to herself. “Good for you, I was worried that since you and Fatou didn’t work out, you’d become a sexless recluse again. I mean, heal however you need to, but it feels like you’re bouncing back really well. And I’m glad.”

Yara stands up, ready to leave. “Just next time, remember to lock the door.”

“It’s not porn!” Kieu My finally yells out.

“Uh huh.” Yara’s voice is heard through the now locked and shut door.

Kieu My turns the screen to her phone on and sees Fatou is still there. Eyes tearing up with laughter, microphone muted.

“So you heard all of that?”

***

The formulas on the white board are starting to blur together in Kieu My’s mind and she knows she needs to take a break, but it can be hard for her to walk away when she gets this engrossed in a task. The other members of her team had already left for lunch, but Kieu My continued to stare at the numbers before her.

It’s not until her phone buzzes with a message from Fatou that she draws her attention away from work. It’s a selfie with a beautiful snake that’s wound itself around Fatou’s shoulders, head resting on Fatou’s hand fully cooperating with its photo being taken.

New addition
Thought you’d like her

She’s perfect!

Kieu My sends over a selfie, holding a marker, and pointing to the formulas on the board behind her.

😖
Did you get any sleep last night?

A couple of hours

I should have let you go earlier last night
Sorry

What? No, it’s my insomnia
If anything, you probably help me sleep faster

How is that possible?
I always fall asleep first

Kieu My giggles, recalling the way Fatou fell asleep mid-story last night. She’d been telling Kieu My about the recent changes at work when her words began to slur with fatigue until it was just the sound of her breathing.

Kieu My drops the dry-erase marker onto the table and weaves through the hallway back to her office, eyes glued to her phone, finally ready to take a break.

***

Kieu My pads down the unfamiliar hallway following the signs for her destination. Her footsteps echo, bouncing off of the concrete walls. It’s much emptier than she expected, but perhaps that makes sense since it is the middle of the workday.

Just as she turns the corner, she hears Fatou’s voice, confirming that she’s arrived at the correct location. Her voice is low and quiet, speaking soothingly, and for a moment Kieu My considers staying hidden, so as not to interrupt, but Fatou has heard her arrival.

“Kieu My?”

“Hey!” Kieu My answers, moving further into the room.

“What are you doing here?”

“Well, I thought I’d visit you for lunch. Make sure you don’t skip it again today.”

Fatou’s brow creases, seemingly still confused. She works her way down the ladder she’d been standing on leaning into the animal enclosure.

“I should have asked you first, I’m sorry, I just thought I’d surprise you, but if -”

“No, this is great. I haven’t eaten and I’m so hungry.”

Kieu My breathes a sigh of relief. They hadn’t set up rules or boundaries since their first conversation agreeing that they’d date … or hang out … or whatever it is they were doing, and she was worried that she’d overstepped. It was a worry that existed constantly in the back of her mind, but with each passing day, she thought of it less and less.

“Oh, good. I brought wraps and sodas.”

Fatou gestured for Kieu My to follow her, leading them to a bench set up for observing the animals behind the glass wall. Although this was mostly an impromptu visit, Kieu My had found a scarf in her bag that doubled as a tablecloth when laid atop the bench. With the food added, it almost looked like a picnic.

Kieu My is satisfied when Fatou takes her first bite of food and hums with satisfaction.

“How’s the research going?”

“The research is fine, fun actually, but I don’t know how I feel about leading the team.”

“Why?”

Kieu My takes a sip of her soda, considering the question. “I think it’s just that I don’t have a relationship with all of the members. I like leading, but I’m not always great at communicating with people, especially new people. So sometimes I wish I was doing this on my own.”

“Hmm, it’s still early, but I know you have it in you. You just have to push through, you know.”

“Yeah, I wish I was more like you, though. You can talk to anyone and you’re so easy to be around.”

Fatou doesn’t respond, working on the last few bites of her food, Kieu My allows them to sit in silence for the rest of their meal.

She gathers the trash from their lunch and ties it up in the bag she’d brought the food in, recalling the trash cans she’ll pass on her way out.

“Wow, I didn’t realize how hungry I was. Thank you.”

Kieu My nods her head in the direction of the enclosure Fatou had been at earlier. “You’ve been pretty busy, too?”

“Uh, yeah.” Fatou shrugs, not elaborating further.

Kieu My isn’t always sure what it is she says or does, but she’s realized that this is something that will happen with Fatou every so often. They’ll be talking or texting and then Fatou will suddenly close off, feel more distant. Whenever Kieu My has asked Fatou about it, she says everything is fine, acting as if the shift in her attitude doesn’t completely contradict her words. Kieu My has learned to give Fatou her time, waiting for whatever she is working through to pass.

Kieu My walks over to watch the aquatic animals more closely, deciding to also give Fatou physical space. She’s silent as she watches the fish swim by. They stay along the glass, long enough for her to appreciate their coloration and agility before moving out of sight, further into their habitat. The water is full of activity with one exception.

Fatou joins Kieu My and points to the creature Kieu My had been curiously watching.

“She’s a river turtle. She’s new. And having trouble adjusting.”

“Is that normal?” Kieu My asks, recognizing that Fatou’s mood has lifted again.

“It’s not not normal. Each animal is different, but … she kind of reminds me of Maike.”

Kieu My recalls the connection Fatou had with the tortoise she cared for until a more suitable home could be found for her. Fatou had spent so much of her time and energy in making sure Maike was healthy and eating. It was no surprise that this turtle was pulling on Fatou’s heartstrings.

“Well she’s lucky to have you here. You’re so great with the animals. I’m sure she’ll get used to her new home soon.”

“I know you’re right. I’ve just felt so sad for her that I’ve been taking my lunch breaks with her. Just talking to her about life and … I know it’s probably st-”

“Sweet,” Kieu My finishes her sentence, eyes focused on Fatou’s face. The gentle look in her eyes, as she considers the turtle hiding at the edge of the water. “Incredibly sweet.”

The light bounces off of the blue green water, reflecting some of that color onto Fatou’s face and it’s as though they’re immersed in the water too. She looks absolutely ethereal and Kieu My realizes she’s holding her breath, watching the movement of Fatou’s lashes as she blinks, until Fatou is looking back at her.

The world feels slower somehow, lost in the depths of Fatou’s eyes. Kieu My takes a step closer towards Fatou, eyes dipping down to her lips and then back to Fatou’s eyes, making her intentions clear. There’s a soft inhale from Fatou, her eyes running across Kieu My’s face, until she’s leaning down and their lips make contact.

It’s a slow and tender kiss. Kieu My’s nose grazes across Fatou’s, keeping them close until she takes Fatou’s lips back into her own. Her hands slide up her neck, thumb stroking against Fatou’s jawline. A gasp escapes her when Fatou’s hands take hold of her waist, applying a little pressure until Kieu My is pressed even closer to her.

***

The days are growing longer as spring takes hold in Berlin, and if Kieu My had gone home after work as she’d intended, her lack of a jacket would not be an issue. Her last visit with Fatou had her craving more time together, though, and instead of walking to the metro, she’d found herself inviting Fatou out.

She should have probably suggested something other than getting ice cream, but it was too late for that.

Kieu My takes the final bites of her ice cream cone, eager to have freed her hands so she could pull down the sleeves of her shirt, trying to evade the brisk air surrounding them. Her movements distract Fatou from her story.

“Do you want my jacket?”

“No, it’s okay.” Kieu My reaches out, stopping Fatou.

“Your hands are really cold.” Fatou shifts her hands to gain better coverage, trying to transmit the warmth of her own hands to Kieu My’s. “We should probably go before it gets darker and even colder.”

She knows Fatou is right. Their ice cream date had drawn out as long as it possibly could and with the night settling in around them, she wouldn’t be able to tolerate being outside for much longer.

This was always the hardest part of spending time with Fatou. The end of the night, the having to say goodbye, waiting for the next time they can see each other again. Between work and roommates, there was never enough time together.

“Kieu My?” Fatou intertwines their fingers, bringing Kieu My back from her thoughts.

“Do you want to come back to my place? I think Yara is at her girlfriend’s.”

***

The yellow-orange glow of her bedside lamp illuminates the room without being overpowering, offering Fatou the opportunity to take in the features of Kieu My’s room that she hadn’t been able to the last time she’d been here.

The sheer curtains allow for a filtered view of the night sky, Kieu My’s desk situated so that this would be her view whenever she sat to work. The desk is covered in neat stacks of papers and notebooks, highlighters and pens in a decorative mug.

Fatou’s movements are slow, until she stills in front of the framed photos above Kieu My’s dresser.

“Your parents look so proud.”

“They were. I think my graduation may have been the happiest day of their lives.”

She hears a soft hum from Fatou, looking at the other pictures there, before turning around to face the open space of Kieu My’s room. Fatou’s eyes move deliberately across the walls and each piece of furniture, taking everything in before settling on Kieu My sitting at the edge of her bed.

“I like your room, it’s very you.”

“Thanks.” Kieu My’s voice is just above a whisper, her breath disappearing as Fatou draws closer. She clings to the edge of the bed, when Fatou runs a hand through Kieu My’s hair, exposing more of her face. The sensation of Fatou’s fingers running down her jaw sends a shiver down her back, until Fatou has leaned in to kiss her.

Their kisses quickly grow heavier and Kieu My’s heart beats faster in her chest when Fatou’s tongue runs across her upper lip, pressing into her mouth, finding Kieu My’s tongue. Her hands give up their grip on her bedsheets and find the hem of Fatou’s shirt, eagerly removing it before her hands fumble at Fatou’s jeans.

She’s released one button before Fatou moves her hands away, pulling away Kieu My’s shirt, giving them more physical contact when they resume kissing. Fatou’s lips travel down her jaw and neck, following the path she’s tracing with her fingers. Kieu My digs her hands into Fatou’s side, waiting for her lips to continue down her shoulder to her chest, but her movements have stilled.

Fatou’s eyes are trained at her neck, and it isn’t until she runs her finger over the spot that Kieu My realizes she’s looking at her birthmark. Her eyes are unfocused, her thoughts having pulled her away from this moment.

“Hey,” Kieu My breathes out. “You okay?”

Fatou’s eyes shut briefly and Kieu My sits up, meeting Fatou’s eyes when she opens them again.

“Hey, we don’t have to do anything that you’re not ready for.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“Of course,” Kieu My answers, quick to reassure her. “Fatou,” Kieu My bites at her lip, deliberating her next words. “I love you, and you don’t have to say anything to that, but I do. I haven’t said it since … last time, because, well, I don’t want that to feel like pressure.”

Kieu My pinches the sheets between her fingers, unable to continue looking into Fatou’s eyes as she continues. “Sometimes I even feel guilty when I think about saying it, but I guess my point is of course it’s okay, this is all new, but also not, and I know we’re just figuring this out together. Trust me, I tried to find a book on this and -”

Fatou’s laugh draws Kieu My’s eyes back up to Fatou’s face.

“You tried to research this too?”

“Yeah,” Kieu My smiles, recognizing her admission. “So we can do whatever you want. We can just watch a movie instead or I started re-watching My Hero Academia, or wh-”

Her words are cut off by an unexpected kiss. Fatou takes in a deep inhale before laying back onto Kieu My’s bed, pulling Kieu My on top of her.

“I want this,” Fatou reassures before kissing her again.

Kieu My takes her time with their kisses, hands holding tight to every inch of Fatou that she comes into contact with. Fatou’s body moves with hers, their breathing growing heavier together, the sound of Fatou’s exhale sends Kieu My’s hand down to her waist.

She hesitates and when Fatou’s hand takes hold of her wrist, Kieu My is prepared to be stopped again. She relaxes into Fatou’s hold, allowing her to redirect her hands, but instead of pulling her hands away, Fatou guides her under the waistband of her underwear, whispering into Kieu My’s ear exactly what she wants.

Chapter Text

Kieu My raises her hand to cover her mouth, yawning for the third time since she had arrived. It wasn’t even that early, but if it hadn’t been for Ismail’s invitation to brunch this morning she probably would still be asleep, trying to recover from a long week at work. Actually, if it hadn’t been for Yara who jumped into her bed and dragged her from her sleep, she would have probably slept through her alarm and missed brunch altogether.

“I’m sorry, am I boring you?” Ismail looks at her with dramatic offense.

“Shut up. It’s just been really busy at work.”

“It’s true,” Yara comes to her support. “She’s been so busy with this research whatever, I sometimes even hear her muttering to herself at night.”

“Sounds like you need to set better boundaries with work. And I’m not just saying that because I miss you. I’m saying this with love,” Ismail places his hand atop Kieu My’s, “but you look like shit.”

Kieu My jerks her hand away, eyes staring at him widely. “ISI!”

“What?! I mean you’re still beautiful, but you need some sleep.”

“I would be sleeping right now, but I’m here! You laid the guilt on real thick in your texts.”

“Well, everyone’s been so busy, I’ve been so bored and lonely.”

“Don’t you have two roommates?” Yara asks around a mouthful of waffles.

“Yeah, but Ava’s been spending a lot of time with her Mom lately. Her dad’s remarrying and she’s not taking it well -

“Oh, shit.”

“- yeah, I know. So she’s almost always gone and Fatou doesn’t have time for me either. I swear she’s dating someone even if …” Ismail’s voice trails off, leaving his sentence hanging in the air unfinished.

Kieu My’s hand stills mid cut, her heart skipping a beat when she realizes that she and Fatou may not be as discreet as she thought they were. She’s running through Ismail’s words again, curious as to what he knows, too scared to look up and have them see in her face the admission that it’s her Fatou is secretly dating.

She takes in a deep breath and reapplies pressure to her knife against her food. She uses this time of apparent deep focus on cutting the perfect bite of food to relax the muscles in her face, allowing her heart rate to return to normal before she looks back up. Any signs of emotions have disappeared.

Yara and Ismail are both staring at her, too scared to say something first. Fear in their eyes that Kieu My is a bomb that will set off with even the slightest movement.

“I’m okay. You can talk about it.” When she notices the sideways glance they share she tacks on an unbothered “Really.”

“Um, well, just that. I think she’s dating someone.”

“She hasn’t said anything to you?”

“No, I asked, but she avoided answering.”

“Maybe it’s nothing serious.”

“What makes you think she’s dating someone?” Kieu My adds to the conversation.

“She’s just always distracted, busy, on the phone. And not just on her phone like normal, like looking at her phone with… you know… that kind of smile. Like that one!” Ismail points at Yara.

Yara looks up from her phone, embarrassment has her flushing red. “Sorry, it was just Erin.”

“Realy? I would have never guessed!”

“Ass.”

“He’s right, Yara. You are so in lo-”

“Don’t. Don’t say that. I like her, a lot. I’ll admit that.”

“Hmm, okay fine, you like her. Now tell me more. I want to live vicariously through your love life since mine is complete shit lately.”

Kieu My settles back into her chair, drink in hand, as she listens to Yara answer all of Ismail’s questions about the first girl she’s seriously dated in years. She smiles back at Yara whenever she glances over at her, face animatedly explaining the little quirks she’s noticed from Erin and how this only draws her in more deeply when usually these were the reasons for her to end relationships.

Her heart feels so full of joy for Yara. She’s never seen her so happy about dating somebody and it’s good to see her lay aside her joking for sincerity when talking about Erin.

There’s something else there, though. Alongside the happiness, Kieu My can feel a pang of sadness. A longing to be as free as Yara is in telling a story about some mundane evening they shared. To have somebody she could confide in, to talk to about all that’s happening with Fatou.

She runs her hand through her hair, trying to chase away the thought.

Her phone vibrates in her purse, and she pulls it out, careful to keep her face neutral.

Hey
Nora and Josh are out of town this weekend and I offered to watch Arvin
Want to come over?

Kieu My checks the time before answering.

Yes! :)

“Hey, I need to head out.”

“What?”

“Why?”

“It’s work, I -”

“It’s the weekend!” Yara exclaims, the crease in her forehead deepening when Kieu My continues.

“I know, but -”

“See this is why you need better boundaries. Kieu, work can’t be your life.”

“I know, Isi, and I will. After this weekend, I promise I’ll do that.”

Kieu My is quick to tamp down the quirk of her lips when she thinks of the conversation she is going to need to have with Fatou.

“Hmm.” Yara grumbles unhappily, not returning the wave Kieu My offers them as she leaves.

***

Kieu My’s eyes are growing heavy, the words in her book beginning to blur. She wasn’t tired, but the way Fatou’s fingertips stroke the hair at her temple is incredibly soothing, and it’s hard to focus on anything other than that feeling.

She lets out an involuntary hum and Fatou’s fingers stop. Her eyes open, seeking an explanation for the disruption and she sees Fatou’s face above hers smiling sweetly before she traces her finger down Kieu My’s cheek, then jaw, and even more lightly her bottom lip.

“Did you know,” Kieu My sits up, pulling her head from Fatou’s lap, “that Ismail suspects you’re dating somebody.”

Fatou’s head falls back onto the sofa cushion, mouth wide with laughter. “Is he still trying to figure that out? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

“Why’s that?”

Fatou shrugs, considering the question. “I don’t know, I guess because we’ve grown closer, and he’s less self-centered now. He’s probably noticed some things and wonders why I keep avoiding his questions.”

“How did you and Ismail get so close? I mean, I know he moved to Hamburg, but you all are even closer than I would have expected.”

“Closer than I expected, too. We didn’t really talk when Ismail first went out there. To be honest, I didn’t really feel like being friends.”

Fatou turns her gaze to the window, her fingertips pressed to her temple for a few seconds before she continues.

“Uh, but I was having a tough night at this party I didn’t want to be at, and Ismail was also at the party, and he was just really there for me. And it kind of bonded us. He’s been right by Ava’s side for so much. Dating and breakups included. So I’m really not surprised that he’s picked up on it.”

Kieu My pulls her leg in closer, chin resting on her knee as she turns over Fatou’s words. She still hasn’t looked back at Kieu My.

“So, did you date a lot?”

Kieu My presses her eyes closed, unable to believe that she allowed herself to speak the question aloud. When she opens them again, Fatou has finally turned back to her.

“Do you really want to know?”

Kieu My’s heart beats a little louder.

“No, but also yes.”

“I had three girlfriends. Two not so serious, didn’t last long, probably should have never even started dating one of them and-”

A warm flush is now accompanying her heart beat.

“- one serious girlfriend. We dated for about a year before ending things and then I moved out here. Been on a couple of dates since.”

Kieu My nods in acknowledgment, fingers running along the seam of her jeans. She didn’t expect it to be so hard to hear about the girls Fatou has dated. It’s not like Kieu My hasn’t considered all of the possibilities on her own, but now she knows. She knows there are three other girls out there, who’ve been on the receiving end of Fatou’s smile. Who’ve held her and kissed her not only when Fatou was happy, but in her low times, too. Other girls who were there, when it should have been her.

Her inhale is deep and loud, as she tries to push the thoughts and emotions seeping into her body back to the recesses of her mind.

“What about you?”

“I didn’t really date. I had one girlfriend for a while and then Alejandro.”

Fatou’s hand appears in her periphery, reaching out for Kieu My’s hand that continues to run along her leg.

“Do you regret asking?”

“Yes and no.” She answers honestly.

“Do you think we can finish this episode?” Fatou points at the television paused five minutes into the show and somehow it makes Kieu My laugh. She nods enthusiastically as Fatou pulls Kieu My’s arm around her, curled into her side as the sounds of the television replace the previously tense silence.

“I just have to leave after this episode. I told Yara I would leave ‘work’ at a decent hour so I could join her for drinks tonight. She thinks our phone calls at night are me muttering to myself about work.”

“Wow, we’re not very good at hiding things.”

“I guess not.”

Kieu My breathes in Fatou, her mind and body finally letting go of the past. She wasn’t there for Fatou and she can’t change that. But she can be here now. Kieu My presses a kiss to the top of her head and focuses on the TV again.

***

Kieu My stirs her drink, watching the cherry swirl along with the ice and sprig of basil. She’s hoping that the woman at the high top table across the room didn’t catch her staring. It was an absentminded look at nothing in particular, but then she noticed the dimples in her smile and she was lost to her thoughts of Fatou smiling into their kiss earlier today.

The memory of her lips chasing after Kieu My’s even after they’d said goodbye, until Kieu My forced herself to walk away. Far enough away from the door, Kieu My cast a longing look back, not expecting that Fatou would still be leaning against the door frame, watching her walk away, the smile from their kiss still on her face.

“Okay, I see you looking over there.” Yara points out.

“What? No, I wasn’t.”

“Really? Erin?”

“Oh, no, I do not want to …”

“Fine. I was, but-”

“Kieu My, if you’re interested, go talk to her! I’m honestly so thrown by how you’re handling things with Fatou. Watching porn a-”

“Yara!”

“What? I already told Erin about how I caught you with the door unlocked.”

Kieu My covers her face with embarrassment.

“Oh, it’s fine, Kieu My. I’ve heard you and Yara talk about a lot worse than that close to last call.”

“Okay, yes, that’s true, but I was not watching porn. And I am not interested in her, she just reminded me of Fatou!”

Erin turns subtly, looking at the woman who shows no indication of knowing that she was the subject of another group’s conversation.

“Is that what Fatou looks like?”

“No.”

“It was her dimples.” Kieu My grumbles.

“Wow, you’ve still got it bad for her, huh?”

Kieu My casts the cocktail straw onto the table and takes a large gulp of her drink. Her tongue was already too loose, but she needs all the help she can get as she hears Yara explain to Erin the recent news of Fatou’s dating.

“Shit, I’m sorry Kieu My.”

“It’s my fault. If I hadn’t broken up with her, maybe we would have made it. Instead of her dating all those other women -

“ -what other-”

“ - and here I am loving her, not knowing if she’ll ever love me back.”

Kieu My lets out a heavy sigh, dropping her chin into her hand. She drank her last drink too quickly.

“I’m going to the restroom. And I’m taking this water.” She pulls the glass from Yara’s lips and drains half of it on her walk.

The lighting of the bathroom is muted, much like the lights in the main bar, but the drunk flush of Kieu My’s cheeks is still visible in the mirror. She takes a paper towel, dampening it with cool water in the hopes of bringing down some of the flush. Drinking the rest of her water seems to help, too.

With a few wipes of another paper towel at her eyes, she’s looking almost ready to go back. Kieu My rummages through her bag, searching for her lipstick, needing a reapplication, but before she can find the tube, she feels the cool surface of her cell phone.

A text from Fatou is on the screen.

Hope you’re having a good night!

She dials before she can even consider if she’s making a bad decision. Kieu My prepares herself to leave a voicemail with each progressive ring until she hears Fatou’s whispered voice.

“Hey, sorry, Ismail came over. I had to run to the restroom.”

“I'm in the restroom, too.” Kieu My informs her, intentional in her enunciation as she tries to hide her intoxication.

“Are you still at the bar? Or did you make it home already?”

“The bar.”

“You okay?”

“I don’t like thinking about you dating other girls.”

“I don’t really like thinking about you dating other people, either.”

“Good.” Kieu My hums with fatigue. “I miss you. I would have rather stayed with you.”

“Want to come over tomorrow?”

“Mmhmm!” Kieu My yawns, her body beginning to wind down, her brain not registering the most vital difference in tonight from their routine night calls - she’s not at home in bed.

“Do you know where Yara is? Maybe it’s time to go home. Drink some water.” Fatou listens intently, waiting for a response, but it never comes. She whispers a little more loudly. “Kieu My? Baby, hey,”

“Yeah?”

“Hey, Kieu, I think we’re ready to leave soon, wh- Kieu My, who are you on the phone with?”

“Fatou.” Kieu My answers, too tired and drunk to realize she should lie.

“No! Hang up! Hang up!” Yara exclaims, reaching out for the phone.

“Nooooo.”

“Hey, Fatou, it’s Yara. I’m so sorry. We’ve been drinking, I had no idea she was going to call you.”

Her short lived fight against Yara’s abduction of her phone has her more alert, and she watches Yara intently, hoping to deduce what Fatou is saying on the other end. But nothing changes in Yara’s scowl directed at Kieu My until they hang up.

“Fatou said goodnight and not to forget the water.”

“Baby,” Kieu My recalls aloud, smile back on her face.

“Oh, god, come on let’s go.”

***

In the short time that Nora and Josh had adopted Arvin, Kieu My could already see the improvement in his training. Not only had Arvin learned the commands of sit and stay, which aided them in putting on his leash before their midday walk, but he was also less prone to trying to run off in every direction. Still eager to explore every building and plant, he was able to keep pace with Kieu My and Fatou, waggling his tail with excitement as they approached the next new thing to smell.

It wasn’t until they had entered the apartment building that Arvin began to tug on the leash in Fatou’s hand, pulling her forward and Kieu My had to increase her stride so as not to lose Fatou’s hand, only letting go when they’d reached the door and Fatou had to unlock the door.

“I can’t wait to put this outfit on Arvin.”

Fatou has pulled out of the bag the green dinosaur costume that had caught Kieu My’s eye as they wandered the pet store aisles.

“Come here, Arvin, right here, sit.” Kieu My calls him over, now off leash, and she takes a seat beside Fatou.

Tongue hanging out, panting from the excitement of the day, Arvin doesn’t look one bit terrifying as the dinosaur he is now dressed as. Kieu My rewards him with two treats - one for letting Fatou put on the costume and the second for enduring the mini photo shoot Fatou and Kieu My conducted, all without complaint.

“You should send that one to Nora, she’s going to die, it’s so cute.”

“Yeah, I’m going to send it to Nora and Ilai.”

“Ilai? Does he love dogs?”

“Mmm, yeah, but I’m sending it because he dressed up his baby as a dinosaur for Halloween and it made me think of him.”

“Ilai’s a dad?!” Kieu My exclaims with shock.

She knows he was school focused and mature, but whenever she saw Ilai, he was always just Fatou’s dorky older brother. Kieu My’s last memories of Ilai were the Christmas holiday before they went off to college. He woke up late in festive pajamas, teasing Fatou as they made breakfast, singing silly songs with her before pelting each other with wrapping paper as they exchanged gifts.

“Yup, married with a baby. Look.”

Fatou hands Kieu My her phone, Ilai’s family Halloween photo pulled up. There he is dressed as a ranger, just like his wife, and in his arms is a beautiful baby dinosaur.

“Oh my god, so cute.” Kieu My coos.

“There are more, you can swipe.”

Kieu My moves through the photos of Fatou’s nephew, moving backwards in time when he couldn’t sit up on his own, and then as a newborn. Sprinkled in between all the photos sent by Ilai are photos of Fatou holding her nephew or playing, but her favorite is the one where Fatou is fast asleep on a sofa, Baby also sleeping atop her.

“I can’t do that anymore. He’s too heavy and doesn’t like to sit still.”

Kieu My laughs, swiping a few more times until she reaches the photos of Ilai’s wedding. She looks at Fatou for permission to continue looking through her phone, and she nods in agreement.

Ilai looks handsome, glowing and gazing lovingly at his new wife.

“Oma and Opa love Sahar,” Fatou points out, swiping to the next photo of all the Jallows together. “And so do my parents.”

The joy is evident on everyone’s faces. The photos are so wholesome and beautiful that Kieu My feels embarrassed at the thought that ran across her mind when she finally saw Fatou captured at the wedding.

“What?”

Kieu My pulls her lips in before pressing her forehead into Fatou’s shoulder, needing to look away before she could answer.

“It’s just that you look so good.”

“Yeah?” Kieu My can hear the smile in her voice and knows there’s an accompanying brow raise.

“Stop teasing me, you know you always look good.”

Fatou strokes a strand of Kieu My’s hair aside, trying to get a glimpse of her before continuing.

“What about now?”

Kieu My sits up and runs her eyes up and down Fatou. She knows Fatou was joking, probably considering her sweatpants and oversized pullover to be unremarkable, but her assessment of Fatou’s appearance is quickly moving away from the playful intent she originally had.

She’s thinking about squeezing Fatou’s thighs before slipping her hand underneath the sweatshirt to find her stomach, the soft area pulled taut when Kieu My’s hands first make contact.

“Yeah, you look good right now.”

Her voice is deeper than it was just a few moments ago, betraying her desires if the look in her eyes hadn’t already done that. Kieu My leans in for a heady kiss, mouth open and eager for Fatou to be just as needy.

Kieu My moans with delight when Fatou presses back into her, until her back has made contact with the sofa cushions, watching as Fatou sits back up to remove her sweatshirt.

“Fu-” The word dies on Kieu My’s lips as she runs her hands up Fatou’s stomach and then across the swell of her breasts. Fatou isn’t wearing her usual sports bra today, and the deeper cut of this bra has Kieu My breathless.

Fatou’s dark eyes are full of hunger, hands holding tight to Kieu My’s thighs as her fingers trace deeper along the seam of her bra.

“We shouldn’t do this on Nora’s sofa.” Kieu My breathes out.

“I thought it was better than their bed.” Fatou sucks on Kieu My’s pulse point until Kieu My’s fingers dig into her back and she whispers. “Of course, we could just stop.”

“Don’t you dare.”

Chapter Text

Flowing down the hallway are the sounds of music being played loudly from one of the apartments. The voices become clearer as they approach the door to the flat.

“Is that Ava -”

“-and Fatou.” Kieu My confirms Yara’s discovery.

“Damn,” Yara knocks on the door, pounding her fist against the wood harder than usual to compete with the volume emanating from the apartment. “They sound so good.”

“I don’t think anyone is going to hear us, but maybe,” Kieu My turns the handle of the front door and finds it unlocked.

Ismail is the only one to look up and take notice of their arrival, waving them over to join the group huddled together by the laptop from which the music is coming.

“Ava’s finalizing some songs she and Fatou have been working on. We’re hearing them first.”

“Did you write the lyrics?”

“Yeah, Fatou helped, too.”

Kieu My wraps her arms around Ismail’s shoulders, resting her face against his, while they listen to the music and Ava’s explanations to Josh’s questions.

“It’s good right?” Ismail asks her quietly.

“More than good. Hey, I’m going to go to the restroom. I’ll be back.”

“Okay.”

Kieu My walks away from the living room, down the hallway, she passes Ismail’s open bedroom. There are some new plants Kieu My spies on Ismail’s window sill, an open bag of soil nearby. Clear signs that Ismail was in the midst of trying to rescue them.

She continues to Fatou’s shut door, casting a glance down the hallway to make sure nobody had followed behind her. Kieu My drums her fingers against the door, smiling at the sound her fingertips make against the wood, reminding her that it’s been a while since she’s had her nails done. She wonders if Yara has noticed.

The door opens briefly, Fatou pulling Kieu My into the bedroom, pressing her back into the door. Kieu My waits for Fatou to make more contact, but instead she lets out a complaint.

“What took you so long?”

“I had to make an excuse to get away from the little concert going on out there.”

Kieu My snakes her arms around Fatou’s waist, pulling her closer.

“You sound really good, by the way.”

“Thank you,” Fatou answers, her breath can be felt on Kieu My’s lips, eagerly waiting for Fatou to close the small gap. “Lipstick.”

“Shit, I didn’t think about it.” Kieu My realizes Fatou’s hesitation to kiss her.

Fatou hums, eyes tracing the curve of Kieu My’s reddened lips. “Fuck it.”

Her kiss is soft, too scared to apply too much pressure and have lipstick staining their faces. Kieu My can feel Fatou holding back and Kieu My digs her fingertips into Fatou’s waist to keep her from chasing a deeper kiss.

“You need to go. Before -”

“ -yeah,” Kieu My agrees, her breathing too heavy for such a brief moment.

***

It had been too long since they were all together for a movie night, Kieu My had forgotten this would mean that someone would be stuck sitting on the floor. It took a particular glare and firmness of her words to convince Fatou to stop trying to give up her seat, allowing Kieu My to settle on the floor, back leaning against the sofa, legs extended across the rug. Although it was less comfortable than the sofa would have been, Kieu My knew she couldn’t sit next to Fatou where her hands would undoubtedly wander.

A movement from the loveseat catches Kieu My’s eyes, Nora’s hand running down Josh’s head, settling on his shoulder as she curls up closer to him. Sometimes Kieu My hates how much she adores them. It has nothing to do with either of them, specifically, but more to do with her aversion to vulnerability.

An aversion that she’s actively worked on letting go of, reminding herself that all of her happiest moments were also when she was at her most vulnerable, the most willing to let someone else in.

Kieu My looks up at the sofa where Ismail, Yara, and Kieu My are seated, all too focused on the screen to notice her gaze. Three of the people who have seen her most vulnerable moments and whom she loves best.

She shakes her head, clearing her mind of the sentimentality.

“Babe, can I have the popcorn?”

“Yeah, here.”

Kieu My’s eyes follow the voice to Yara, as Fatou’s hand pauses mid reach for the bowl. She realizes her slip up and anxiously waits for Yara to say something.

“Do you want it or not?” Yara shakes the bowl in her direction, brows furrowed with confusion.

Kieu My takes the bowl, letting out a quiet breath once she’s turned back to the television. She’s never been so glad for her affectionate use of ‘babe’ with all of her friends. Kieu My silently eats her popcorn, kernel after kernel, eagerly waiting for the movie to end so she can leave, too worried of what else might slip out of her mouth the longer they stay.

The end credits are finally rolling when Kieu My registers the dry feeling in her mouth, the result of eating so much popcorn. She drains the can of soda on the coffee table and feigns fatigue when she prompts Yara to leave.

“Are you okay? You seem kind of … stressed? Is it hanging out with Fatou, because if you’re not ready for that after all,”

“No, it’s not, I-. It’s fine, I don’t know what, but I’m fine. I promise.”

“Okay.” Yara loops her hands around Kieu My’s arm, walking them towards the train.

***

Kieu My shuts her eyes tighter, trying to ignore the sunlight announcing the beginning to a new day.

“Sorry, I didn’t put the curtains down.”

Fatou’s voice is muffled from where her lips are pressed into Kieu My’s neck.

“It’s okay. I’m just annoyed that it's morning, and I have to go back before Yara gets up.”

“No.” Fatou argues, her arms and legs wrap around Kieu My more tightly. She places a kiss at Kieu My’s neck, her long lashes tickling her as Fatou’s kisses travel down to her chest. “Stay.”

“That’s a really good argument.”

They both try to muffle their laughter. Another reason Kieu My needs to get dressed and leave immediately. The longer she stays the bigger risk she’s taking at being caught by Ismail or Ava.

“Okay, I need to pee, but seriously, don’t go yet.”

Kieu My groans softly, knowing that she can’t say no.

She waits until Fatou is out the door to get out of bed and find her clothing that Fatou had strewn about the bedroom. Fatou’s fervor last night had matched her energy of the first night they slept together. Fatou holding her tight, knocking over a figurine when she had lifted Kieu My onto her desk for a few kisses before they proceeded to the bed. That’s where she found her sweater.

The door knob turns and Kieu My rushes back to the bed, the spot she had previously determined to be safest from view whenever the door was opened. She’s waiting for Fatou to come in, but the door doesn’t open beyond a small sliver.

Voices carry through and Kieu My realizes that Ava must have stopped Fatou just as she was on her way back.

“I knew it!” Ava’s voice sounds triumphant. “I knew I heard you with someone last night.”

Kieu My bites back a smile, recalling the sounds she’d elicited from Fatou despite her best efforts at staying quiet.

“What, no,” Fatou tries to deny.

“Really? Then what’s that? Gave yourself that hickey?”

Kieu My runs her fingers over her brow, waiting to hear what other evidence she’d left for Ava to find.

“Why haven’t you told me you were dating someone?”

“I’m not -”

“Honestly, I was really worried that you were getting sucked back into Kieu My. I know you said you were done with that and you were just trying to be her friend, but,” Ava lets out a heavy sigh, “I guess I was seeing things, and I’m just so glad you’re not letting her in again. She’s selfish and not worth it because you deserve someone who actually values you.”

Kieu My’s smile falls, hearing the conviction in Ava’s assertion that she didn’t deserve Fatou. Her heart drops further when she doesn’t hear any response from Fatou.

“Oh, shit,” Ava’s voice grows quieter. “Is she still here? Okay I’m out, but I expect you to tell me all about her tonight.”

Ava’s footsteps grow softer the further she gets from the bedroom, and it isn’t until the front door can be heard opening and then shutting that Fatou enters the bedroom.

“I’m going to head out now,” Kieu My informs Fatou, slinging her purse over her shoulder.

“What? Why?”

A part of her wants to pretend she didn’t hear every word of that conversation, to crawl back into bed and into Fatou’s arms, in their private world for two.

“Am I always going to be a secret?”

“Kieu My,” Fatou drags out her name.

“Yeah,” Kieu My nods with understanding. “I should really go.”

“Don’t be mad.”

“Why would I be mad? Just because you didn’t say anything as Ava called me a terrible person.”

“She didn’t say that,” Fatou argues, the exasperation in her voice fueling Kieu My’s frustration.

“Fine. ‘Selfish, undeserving’. It’s all the same.”

“She’s just worried for me. Can you really be mad? I mean, after everything, she has reason to not trust you.”

Fatou crosses her arms tightly across her chest, mouth set in a hard line. The mouth that less than 30 minutes ago had been trailing kisses across Kieu My’s skin, begging her to stay longer.

“Yeah, you’re right, she does, and I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you don’t either. Still.”

Kieu My walks past Fatou, their shoulders brushing when she reaches for the door, but Fatou makes no efforts at keeping Kieu My there. No footsteps follow her to the front door, no voice calling out to her, as she makes her way onto the street.

Her pace is fast, rushing to get home before the tears begin to fall.

Chapter Text

The white sheets of Kieu My’s bed rise and fall with her breath, finally falling evenly after hours of crying. The tears she had been able to stave off as she left Fatou’s apartment promptly began to fall once she had entered her own.

At first her crying matched the stillness of the flat, each tear rolling down her cheek calmly until she made it to her bedroom where she allowed the feelings to fully wash over her. The sting of Ava’s words followed by the chill from Fatou’s dismissal. How her eyes avoided Kieu My’s until Fatou wrapped her arms around herself and reminded Keiu My that despite everything that has happened since Fatou had moved back to Berlin, Kieu My still wasn’t trusted.

No matter what she said or did, or how hard she tried. That every moment they’d shared, from the mundane recounting of their days on their evening phone calls to the times she saw a glimmer in Fatou’s eyes just before she kissed her or pulled her into her arms to hold tightly in her warm embrace, behind every moment that gave Kieu My hope there was still uncertainty for Fatou. No matter how hard she tries, she’ll never be able to escape her worst moments.

Her tears built up until they were rushing down her face and she erupted from the pain and fear taking hold.

“What’s the point then?”

The question echoed in her mind, refusing to be washed away with last night’s makeup, wouldn’t fall alongside her clothing as she changed into sweats. The question lingered until she crawled in her bed and her tears continued to stream down her face with the answer she was too choked up to speak.

Kieu My held a pillow tightly to her, trying to muffle the small sobs escaping her until her eyes had dried and the idea of losing Fatou for a second time was pushed to the back of her mind.

She focused on her breathing, trying to convince herself to care for her immediate needs like the grumbling in her stomach before making any rash decisions. And when her breathing had finally evened out, Kieu My washed her face once more, this time trying to erase the markers of her crying.

When she ventured out of her room, the apartment was still quiet, Yara likely out. It gave Kieu My the solitude she sought as she made herself a plate of food, grateful that her mother had sent her off from her last visit with some banh xeo.

It was slow work, feeding and hydrating her body, who lost all interest in anything but lying in bed with misery. She had lost all sense of time, watching the night sky darken as city lights sprung up, until she felt the weight of the sofa shift.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Sorry, just thinking.”

“What about?”

Kieu My’s instinct tells her to avoid, to pretend like there’s nothing wrong, but her heart aches at holding this secret. She desperately wants to tell Yara, to have her give her honest opinion, some advice. To help Kieu My feel less alone.

“I overheard A- uh, a co-worker talking shit about me and it has me kind of fucked up.”

“Well, fuck them, what do they know?”

“They, um,” Kieu My finds her words slowly, “we’ve worked together before. So what they said was valid, I guess, but it’s not even that. It’s that my co-lead, they didn’t defend me. So if they don’t trust me, what’s even the point?”

“The point? Babe, you’re asking what’s the point about the biggest project you’ve been given? The point is that this is your dream, the work you want to do! So you kick ass and prove them all wrong.”

“But what if they’re right, what if I am shit at this and I just mess this project up, too?”

“No way.” Yara shrugs. “I just can’t believe it. You have been working so hard, Kieu! I’ve never seen you work this hard and be so happy while doing it. Honestly I think you need a break from the work, but I’m sorry, just no. They’re not right. I have total faith in you.”

“Thanks." Kieu My embraces Yara tightly, grateful to have one person on her side who believes in her. Although this wasn't the real story, Kieu My knows that Yara would have responded with the same reassurances, the same faith in Kieu My that she wasn't always afforded by others. She wasn't sure if she even had this much faith in herself, but it felt so good to be trusted by someone who's been through it all with her. "You’re so soft sometimes. Sweet.”

“I blame Erin.”

Kieu My shakes her head in disagreement, arms still wrapped around Yara.

“All you.”

***

It had been late at night when Yara had traipsed to her bedroom to sleep, leaving Kieu My alone with the television in the living room. With each episode, Kieu My hoped she would be lulled to sleep, but she remained as wide awake as ever. She knew that it was her insomnia, but only partially so. This was the first night in too long that she and Fatou hadn’t so much as texted each other good night.

She knew that she could have initiated, but it was late. And after her conversation with Yara, Kieu My was hoping that she’d get a decent night's rest to consider everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours before talking to Fatou. What she would say, she hadn’t determined, but she was hoping the morning would bring greater clarity.

It didn’t.

Perhaps it was in part due to her not falling into a shallow sleep until the early hours of the morning that left her feeling completely unrested when she woke after a few hours.

As exhausted as she felt, it was a familiar sensation that Kieu My was ready to pacify with an evening on the sofa at home, where she planned to give more thought to how exactly she was feeling and what she wanted to say to Fatou.

Her plans were quickly ended when Yara reminded her that they had agreed to meet up with their friends tonight.

Kieu My mustered all of her energy into pulling herself together that it isn’t until she’s sitting at the bar that the realization that she will be seeing Fatou without having figured out what she wants to say settles in.

“So Nora and I can’t agree where we should spend our anniversary this year.”

“We also can’t decide if we should take Arvin with us.”

“I think we should. A family trip.”

“No, Arvin should stay, you don’t want kids to ruin your anniversary, even if he’s a fur baby.”

“Finding pet friendly hotels can be hard, maybe take Arvin if you all go to the countryside, but not if you stay in a city?” Kieu My offers.

She tries to follow their conversation, hoping to be distracted, but the moment the door opens, Kieu My’s eyes are there. Fatou finds her quickly and Kieu My’s heart begins to settle, eased at being in her space again. She isn’t smiling, but her look isn’t cold. Her eyes betray her nerves, the same nervous energy Kieu My is sure she must be exuding. She considers texting Fatou to meet her in the restroom - not the most desirable place, but likely their only option to talk alone.

But then Ava comes into view and Kieu My’s heart ramps up again, hearing her words again. Kieu My averts her eyes until Fatou reaches them, sliding into the gap at the table so she’s directly opposite Kieu My.

“Hey,” Fatou offers a greeting to the group, then looking to Kieu My with those still nervous eyes, “I wasn’t sure you were coming.”

“I said I was.” Kieu My answers curtly.

“Yeah, b-”

“Chibi!” Ava interrupts, the crease in Fatou’s brow disappearing with Ava’s arrival. “I spoke to the manager and they listened to us, I think -”

“I’m getting a drink,” Kieu My informs Yara, trying to block out the sound of Ava’s voice as she continues to talk to Fatou.

If she’d found herself incapable of managing what she said to Fatou, there was no telling what she would say to Ava if she stayed.

***

The bar had filled up since her arrival, making it easier for Kieu My to move about without being found, nursing her second drink of the night. It feels foolish to have shown up tonight, the bar was definitely not the place to have a conversation with Fatou, especially not when they were here with all their friends who had no idea what was going on between the two of them.

Kieu My is checking her phone for the time when she bumps into somebody, narrowly avoiding her drink spilling onto her top.

“Hey, there you are!”

“Oh, Nora, sorry.”

“Where have you been? Yara’s been trying to make Josh take shots with her, and he’s so bad at it.”

“Oh, sorry, I’ve just been in a mood, so I thought it was better to be on my own for a bit.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, thanks, it’s just work stuff. But, uh, did you and Josh decide where you’re going to spend this anniversary?”

“I think we’ll rent a cabin, somewhere we can go with Arvin, and spend time in nature.”

Kieu My chuckles at Nora’s enthusiasm. “It sounds nice for Instagram, but so not my style.”

“You’ve been camping before! And you were so prepared. You actually knew practical things.”

“Yeah, but I did that for Fatou, not because I wanted to go camping. And I had to read up on things. I was worried that Fatou would be too busy with the excitement of it all that she’d forget practicalities.”

Kieu My laughs remembering the one and only time they had gone camping together, a couple’s trip with Nora and Josh and Zoe and Finn. The memory has her searching the crowd for Fatou, a renewed desire to talk to her taking hold.

A short lived desire when she finds Fatou, smiling brightly as she talks to some attractive brunette.

Nora’s eyes follow Kieu My’s line of sight and she watches alongside, until Kieu My finally tears her eyes away. She notices the twitch of Nora’s mouth, hesitation before she finally speaks.

“Ava thinks that’s the girl Fatou is seeing. I guess that’s the last girl she remembers Fatou going on a date with.”

“Oh.” Kieu My answers, her gaze traveling back to them.

She knows Fatou isn’t dating her, but they had gone out. There was something about this girl Fatou had found attractive and the ease with which they seem to be talking makes Kieu My’s discomfort grow. It’s only worsened when Ava joins them, exuding all the warmth and kindness Ava holds for a romantic interest that isn’t Kieu My.

“Hey!” Yara’s voice calls her back.

“Baby, I can’t keep up with her,” Josh slurs, holding onto Nora for help. “Oh, Kieu My, please, I can’t take any more shots.”

“Weak! So weak, not like my girl here, hey, you okay?”

“I’m going to go home.” Kieu My continues over Yara’s protests. “I’m not in the mood to be here, I’m sorry.”

She reassures them that she’ll get a cab home and walks off with all intentions to simply walk out of the door. But she can’t resist one final look at Fatou and that’s when she sees the girl leaning in towards Fatou, hand resting at Fatou’s hip.

Kieu My pushes past the crowd, heat rolling off of her in waves. She doesn’t bother looking at the brunette still talking when Kieu My interrupts.

“Hey, I just wanted to let you know I’m heading out.”

She hears the girl falter, taking a step back from Fatou. Kieu My can feel the girl staring at her, likely confused by the intrusion, but she refuses to acknowledge her presence.

“Already?”

Kieu My shrugs, but makes no efforts to leave. Her heart picks up pace again when she sees Fatou look towards the brunette, asking her for some privacy.

“You know Ava thinks that’s your g-, the girl you’re hooking up with.”

“Oh.”

Kieu My takes in a deep breath, releasing it slowly along with the jealousy that had come with seeing that girl so close to Fatou. It’s replaced with the sadness that had overcome her when laying in bed yesterday.

Her voice is less hard when she speaks again.

“You all look the part. Cute, happy.”

She’s not sure how she expected Fatou to react, but when she finds her own sadness mirrored in Fatou’s face, she finds herself reaching out to her. Instinct pushing her to soothe her. Fatou meets Kieu My’s outstretched hand, holding it securely but gently in her own.

“I wanted to talk to you earlier, actually.”

“Let’s talk now,” Fatou urges, her fingertips running over the tips of Kieu My’s fingers, never breaking eye contact with Kieu My as she stands there quietly, considering Fatou’s request.

Maybe if she’d had another minute, or even a few seconds, Kieu My would have whisked Fatou out of the bar. She would have told her how jealous she felt, hoping that Fatou would reassure her. Would have admitted that her emotions are all over the place because she loves Fatou but the mixture of aggravation and guilt is too confusing for her. If only she'd had a few more seconds. But before she can say anything, Ava and Yara have joined them.

“I thought you were leaving.”

Kieu My tugs her hand out of Fatou’s grip.

“Yeah, I am.”

***

Kieu My didn’t take a cab home like she told Yara she would do. She needed the cool air against her face and the feeling of the pavement beneath her feet as she walked off the pent up energy within her. Her intention had been to go home, but her feet seem to have a mind of their own. Kieu My spent much of her walk oblivious to her surroundings, too lost in her thoughts, until she turns a corner and realizes where she’s at.

Kieu My approaches the building, considering her options. She takes her phone out and dials, uncertain if she'll get an answer.

Two rings and then the silence that tells her the call has been picked up.

“You awake?”

“Yeah, couldn’t sleep. You?”

“Staring at your building wondering if I could climb up to your roof.”

“What?” Fatou exclaims, the sound of rustling before Kieu My sees the curtains push back and Fatou looks out to her on the street. “I know that you could definitely do it, but don’t. I’ll go to you.”

Kieu My slips the phone into her pocket and bounces on her feet, anxiously waiting for Fatou to make her way downstairs.

“Hey,” Fatou greets softly, her fingers scratching lightly at the hair by her temple.

“I slept like shit last night. It seems that I’ve grown used to our nights together and I don’t really know how to function without you.”

“I could barely sleep at all.”

“I couldn’t tell. I was annoyed that it took me hours to not look like a zombie, but you, you looked so unaffected, better than that. You looked good.” Kieu My takes in the change from the bar to home. Fatou’s light layer of makeup removed, she could now see the fatigue in her eyes. She’s also changed out of her clothing into something much more Fatou at home - a robe with a sushi design. “I like your outfit.”

Their low laughter mingles together followed by a brief pause before Kieu My continues.

“I’m sorry. For leaving like I did yesterday and for not calling you afterwards. I,” Kieu My lets out a heavy breath. “I’m so torn. Seeing you with that girl, how easy it was for you two. I wonder if that’s what’s best for you. Someone you don’t have history with, someone who didn’t end things so badly she doesn’t even deserve you.”

“I don’t want her.”

“I’m trying Fatou, trying to be better, but I don’t know if it’s ever going to be enough.”

Fatou runs her hand down Kieu My’s arm, taking hold of her hand to stop her from wringing her fingers nervously.

“I see you trying, I do. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to Ava, but you’re not selfish. You’re one of the most considerate people I’ve met, even if sometimes your choices have hurt me. I know it’s not what you wanted.”

“It’s not. It’s really not. I would never, not on purpose.”

Fatou squeezes her hand lightly, keeping her from spiraling into her guilt and pain.

“You’re enough.”

“Hmm?”

“You. Are. Enough.”

Kieu My takes in a tremulous breath, not realizing that she was so close to tears. Those three words spoken with such certainty, Fatou’s eyes brimming with affection, Kieu My’s fears begin to unravel.

“So you don’t want to end this?”

“No, do you?”

“No.”

She leans into the touch of Fatou’s hand cradling her cheek, until Fatou is pressing a kiss to her lips.

“What I want is to fall asleep with you in my arms.”

Kieu My smiles at the thought, but when her eyes move beyond Fatou to the building, she feels a dread inside her.

“I don’t think I’m ready to go back, risk seeing or hearing Ava. It still feels too raw. I’m sorry.”

Fatou nods with understanding.

“Will you call me when you get home? Falling asleep to your voice is a solid second option.”

Kieu My nods her head happily, knowing she’ll probably call Fatou from the cab, already missing her.

Chapter Text

Kieu My watches Yara open drawer after drawer, rummaging for the clothing she wants to pack into her open suitcase. Most people would overpack in preparation for a weekend away, especially their first weekend away with a girlfriend. Kieu My definitely would. She would want to make sure that she had an outfit for any possible outing that would come up on her trip, but that doesn’t seem to be the case with Yara.

In fact, Kieu My digs through the suitcase, it seems Yara is only preparing for indoor activities. She pulls out the red lace teddy at the top and reminds Yara, “You know you’re probably going to do more than stay in the bedroom. Maybe pack some actual clothing?”

Yara looks up from her dresser, another pair of bras in her hands.

“I know. I’m just packing in order of importance. This will be our first weekend alone, no roommates we have to be quiet for.”

“Oh, please, like you ever try to be quiet?!”

“That is me trying to be quiet! I’m sorry that sex with Ale was so mediocre that you’ve forgotten how loud good sex can make you be.”

“Don’t remind me!” Kieu My drops her head into Yara’s pillow embarrassed at the memories of sex with Alejandro. There had been nothing mind-blowing about their time together, just standard positions with calm satisfaction. Nothing like the kind of sex she knows Yara has.

Nothing like the sex she has with Fatou.

Where she finds herself having to muffle her moans with a pillow and let the grip of her hands express the expletives she can’t utter aloud.

“Why don’t you use this weekend to do something more than spend time with your vibrator?”

Kieu My looks up with shock at Yara’s words.

“Maybe meet somebody, bring them back? I know you’re not really interested in one night stands or whatever, but come on, Kieu My, aren’t you desperate for some action, with another person?”

“You’re right, I’ll bring someone home tonight.”

“I think you’re just saying that, but I hope you do.”

Kieu My meets Yara’s narrowed gaze with a smirk, knowing that across town, Fatou is packing up her own weekend bag.

***

The kitchen counters are littered with utensils and ingredients, making the kitchen look infinitely more messy than it ever did when her mother cooked for the family. She’s impatient, wanting to begin cutting the green onions and prepare for plating, but she knows the longer she waits, the better it will be.

If only she would have remembered the hours of simmering required, she would have prioritized getting the meal started and then she would have focused on her appearance. The timing would have worked out better if she’d been able to focus on logistics instead of the desire to look good for when Fatou arrives.

Kieu My had hoped that Fatou would run late and she’d never know how chaotic everything was up until her arrival, but it seemed that Fatou’s excitement at a weekend together meant she was actually on time.

The knock at the door startles her and she rushes to open it, eager to see Fatou again.

“Hey!”

Fatou gives Kieu My a quick kiss, dropping her bag onto the ground, before taking a step back to take in her appearance.

“Oh, shit, I forgot to take off the apron.”

“Are you cooking?”

“Yeah, come,” Kieu My leads Fatou by the hand towards the kitchen, pausing when she feels Fatou’s arm snake around her waist.

“Didn’t realize the domestic thing would do it for me, but-”

“Fatou!” Kieu My whispers, wide eyed, pointing towards the open laptop on the kitchen counter.

They proceed further and Fatou can see what, or rather who, Kieu My was pointing out.

“Hi, Mrs. Vu!” Fatou greets with a smile that doesn’t betray the surprise of finding Kieu My in the middle of a video chat with her mother.

“Oh, Fatou, hi! How are you?! You look so beautiful.”

Fatou’s smile grows at the enthusiasm with which she is greeted despite the years since they had last spoken.

“Thanks, you look really nice, too.”

Mrs. Vu waves off the compliment and continues. “I should have known you were coming over. The ONLY times Kieu My has ever asked for my help with cooking has been for you.”

“I can’t believe how little she cooks. I don’t know how she survives.”

“You were always such a good cook, do you still like to cook?”

“Yes, the next time I make something worth sharing, I’ll have Kieu My take you some.”

“Sweet girl.” Mrs. Vu smiles. “I should have known you were coming over. She’s never made an effort for anybody else.”

Kieu My can feel the blush creeping on her face, ready to end the conversation, but before she can say anything her mother has left the table. Her voice carries through.

“An! Come here, Fatou is with Kieu My!”

When she reappears, it’s with her husband looking equally as excited to see Fatou again.

“Hi, Mr. Vu.”

“Fatou! Kieu My told us you moved back to Berlin.”

“Yeah, after college, I knew I wanted to come back. I love it here, too much. And my family’s here, too.”

“That’s so good. Kieu My tells us that you’re working with animals. And you still do a little music?”

Kieu My glances at Fatou’s face, worried that her parents are being too intrusive, that Fatou is annoyed at the unexpected meeting. There are no signs of discomfort or urgency to escape. Fatou has leaned onto the counter, body relaxed as she updates her parents on her life.

“Mmhmm, yeah, work is good and I’ve been doing more music lately. Maybe take it a little more seriously, but I don’t know, it’s,” she stutters, scratching at her forehead for the words to describe how she feels. “I love it but I don’t know if it should just stay a hobby.”

Mr. Vu hums with understanding. “Well, Kieu My tells us you’re very good at it. It’s good to be practical, but good to dream, too.”

Fatou’s eyes shine with appreciation at his calm but firm assertion.

The first time Kieu My had invited her over to formally meet her parents, she had been so nervous she thought she would sweat through her clothing. She was scared to meet the parents that made Kieu My feel pressured. If their academically gifted daughter wasn’t exempt from their criticism and expectations, Fatou couldn’t fathom what they would think about the girl who had almost quit school entirely. What would they think about Kieu My dating that girl?

It had been such a surprise to find that they were nothing like she had expected. They exuded warmth and kindness, full of support that extended beyond Kieu My. She was confused as to how Kieu My could ever feel pressure from the parents who only seemed to encourage her and praise her accomplishments.

It wasn’t until she had spent a few more evenings with them, that Fatou began to understand that the pressure Kieu My felt didn’t come from them, rather it was borne from the love she held for them and all their sacrifices they had made for her. That was what drove her desire to succeed and make them proud.

They were always proud though.

While her own parents offered their own form of support, it often took on the shape of reminding Fatou that she could walk away and didn’t have to feel bad for not being able to accomplish her goals. But the Vus had a way of making Fatou feel like she could accomplish whatever she wanted to. In times when Fatou was feeling particularly low or incapable of pushing forward, it was that same calm voice that reminded her that she was believed in, that if she wanted something, she could make it happen.

“Thank you,” Fatou responds genuinely.

“We’re glad you’re back in Berlin. Kieu My missed you.”

Fatou looks over at Kieu My whose cheeks are burning bright red at her father’s admission.

“I missed her, too,” Fatou says just loud enough for Kieu My to hear.

“Stop, you’re embarrassing her.” Mrs. Vu admonishes her husband.

“You’re both embarrassing me! Goodbye!”

“Okay, bye!”

“Bring Fatou over sometime!”

“Tell me how the food turns out!”

“Okay, bye, bye, bye.” Kieu My repeats to her waving parents until the call ends and she can cover her face from Fatou’s eyes.

“I’m sorry, she wanted to see how things were going. I meant to hang up before you got here.”

“It’s fine,” Fatou pulls Kieu My’s hands away. “It was nice talking to your parents again. They’ve always been so great. Aw, babe, you’re so red.”

Kieu My fans at her face while Fatou dampens a clean tea towel.

“Thanks.”

“You didn’t have to cook for me, you know.”

“I wanted to. It won’t taste as good as my mom’s or a restaurant, but,” Kieu My removes the lid from the simmering stock pot. “I made pho.”

Fatou’s eyes raise with awe.

“That’s amazing, oh god it smells so good.” Fatou laughs before pulling Kieu My in for a hug and a kiss. “You never cook, and then when you do, it’s all this? God.”

***

The phone rings and Kieu My is surprised to see Yara calling her. She didn’t expect to hear from her until she was on her way back. She looks to Fatou with worry and then the door frame, as if expecting Yara to suddenly appear and take in the image of Kieu My in only an oversized tee and Fatou in shorts and a tank top. There would be no way to lie about their relationship any more.

“Do you want to answer?” Fatou asks, pointing at the ringing phone on the rug beside Kieu My’s leg.

Kieu My takes the phone and answers the call while Fatou pauses the show they were watching.

“Hey.”

“Kieu My, oh my god.” Yara breathes out.

“What’s wrong?”

“She said I love you, Kieu!”

“Yara! You had me worried something bad had happened!”

“Well this isn’t exactly good!”

“What do you mean?” Kieu My asks, leaning back into the sofa, no longer on alert.

“She said I love you and I bolted.”

“You just ran away? You didn’t say anything?”

“I said I had to go to the restroom and left before she could say anything else, and now I’m hiding and praying she doesn’t come looking for me. Kieu My, I wasn’t ready for this. I don’t know what to say to her. Have we been together long enough for love?!”

“Oh, honey,” Kieu My soothes Yara, “there’s no timeline on love. I’m not that surprised that she said it. I thought you were in love with her, too.”

“I- I think that I am. But, I’ve never said it before. Not romantically.”

“If you’re not ready to say it, you don’t have to. I’m sure she’ll understand. But if you’re just scared, I really don’t think you need to be. I have never seen you so happy with someone.”

Yara laughs lightly. “Yeah, she does make me really happy. I have so much fun with her. And I can also be so . . . still with her. Calm. Quiet. I can be all of me when I’m with her. And, damn, Kieu. I really like every part of her too. Even when we disagree on things, my instinct isn’t to just ghost her.”

“That’s huge for you!”

“God, I don’t even know when this happened? How did she go from the hot bartender I wanted to fuck to someone I can’t imagine a day without? I’m so soft, this is embarrassing.”

“I think it’s beautiful. Now go talk to her!”

“Okay, I got this.” Yara tells herself, the sound of the bathroom door unlatching comes through the phone. “Thanks, babe. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Kieu My drops the phone and laughs, excitement bubbling up inside of her.

“All good with Yara?”

“Yeah, she was freaking out because Erin told her she loved her and well, Yara’s never really loved anyone before. But I think she’s calmed down.”

“Yara in love.”

“Mmhmm. I’m happy for her. Oh! And I just realized that Josh is going to owe me fifty euro.”

“Uh, why?”

“We had a bet on who would say I love you first. He thought Yara would be the one who said it, blurt it out one day kind of thing. I had my money on Erin being more intentional.”

Kieu My closes her laptop, the powerpoint she was supposed to be working on for the past hour still as empty as when she started.

“I don’t want to work on this presentation anymore. Can we cuddle?”

Fatou slides further against the back of the sofa, her arm outstretched, ready for Kieu My to fill in the space offered, wrapping her arm snugly against Kieu My once she is settled.

“I can’t believe you bet on your friends.”

“It’s good natured - never any cruel bets.”

“Hmm,” Fatou hums before placing a kiss at Kieu My’s neck. She presses play on the remote and settles in for a day on the couch.

***

“Do you want to take a break?” Fatou’s voice breaks Kieu My’s concentration on the notes she was reviewing.

“Huh?”

“You’ve been clenching your jaw for the past hour.” Fatou runs her finger along Kieu My’s jawline and for the first time she notices the ache there. “Maybe it’s time for a break?”

Kieu My sighs and leans back against the sofa. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m just nervous about the presentation I have to give this week.”

Fatou’s fingers ghost down to the back of Kieu My’s neck and then apply more pressure, working out the tension she was holding there, too.

“Do you want to practice? I can be your audience. Even if I don’t understand everything.”

Kieu My’s eyes flutter shut, the feeling of Fatou’s hands massaging her shoulders, driving away her ability to create a cohesive response.

“No. Break. Good.”

“Good.” Fatou’s low murmur sends a chill through Kieu My and she hums again with contentment as Fatou’s thumbs rub circles against her back.

She feels Fatou shift behind her, body pressing forward as Fatou’s lips graze her cheek with a kiss. And then her lips are pressed to Kieu My’s neck eliciting another exhale along with Fatou’s name.

It only takes a brief glance for them to move in tandem until Fatou has Kieu My in her arms, legs wrapped around her torso as Fatou carries her to the bedroom, her breathing growing heavier with anticipation.

Fatou kisses are unhurried, savoring the taste of Kieu My’s lips against hers allowing her hands to skate over Kieu My’s legs until she feels Kieu My arch closer, seeking more contact than her feather light touches were offering.

“Take off my shirt,” Fatou asks Kieu My, sitting back on her legs.

Kieu My sits up, happy to oblige, but first running her hands across Fatou’s back and then applying a gentle squeeze to her waist. Her breath catches in her throat, always caught off guard by how gorgeous Fatou looks bare before her.

The rise and fall of Fatou’s chest, breathing heavily when Kieu My places a kiss at her sternum, draws her gaze upwards. Curls frame Fatou’s face. Dark eyes slowly trace along Kieu My’s face. Her heart beats more intensely when Fatou brushes her hair out of her face, eyes following the path her finger takes along her features until she reunites their lips, keeping the I love you on Kieu My’s tongue from finding escape.

It’s torturously slow the way Fatou runs her tongue along her lips, pulling back just as Kieu My pushes forward, eyes darting down to Kieu My’s still clothed upper body. She’s quick to remove the shirt, laying back onto her pillow and pulling Fatou down with her.

Fatou’s kisses travel down her jaw and then her neck, Kieu My turning her head away to give Fatou a bigger canvas upon which to leave her marks. A whine escapes her when Fatou pauses, her finger running over a familiar spot, a spot that Fatou’s lips always seemed to overlook on their nights together.

But this time, Fatou leans in again, tongue glossing over the birthmark.

Time ceases to exist for Kieu My, as Fatou’s kisses cover every inch of her body, no pressure to get to work or disappear before someone discovers them together. Kieu My doesn’t hold back the sound when she shudders at the sensation of Fatou’s kiss at her waist, finger hooked into the waistband of her underwear. Her fingers dig into Fatou’s arm, ready for more.

Instead Fatou crawls back up towards Kieu My until their breath is mingling together, their foreheads pressed against each other, staring into each other’s eyes. Kieu My eyes flit to Fatou’s kiss swollen lips for a second, torn between her desire for more physical contact and relishing the intensity of Fatou’s gaze.

“Kieu My,” Fatou’s voice is urgent, as desperate as Kieu My’s body feels for her.

“Yeah, baby?”

“I-”

“Yeah?”

Fatou doesn’t finish her sentence, crashing her lips back into Kieu My’s, listening this time when Kieu My’s body rolls into hers, begging for her hands to do more than tease.

Yara was right. It was nice not to have roommates to worry about.

***

It’s the middle of the night again. Kieu My doesn’t have to open her eyes to know this. The world is too quiet and there’s no light pressing against her eyelids. She’s not fully rested, and yet her body and mind are fully awake, despite her promise to Fatou that she’d stay over the whole night. That she wouldn’t let the fear of running into Ava keep her from Fatou’s apartment.

Maybe if she keeps her eyes closed and rolls over to nestle into Fatou’s arms, breathing in her scent, she’ll fall back asleep.

Unable to find Fatou beside her, Kieu My opens her eyes reluctantly, a pang of worry washing over her when she finds Fatou in a familiar position. Seated at the edge of the bed, head tilted forward, looking at something in her hands.

The sensation of deja vu consumes her as she carefully gets closer to Fatou, her hand closing tightly around whatever she holds. This time, Fatou doesn’t cover the box on the floor, lid slightly off center, still hiding the contents from Kieu My’s eyes.

“Fatou?”

“You know,” Fatou begins, taking a few moments before she is ready to look over at Kieu My and continue. “I never stopped loving you, either.”

Fatou’s hand is in Kieu My’s lap, falling open, so that the shining object there draws Kieu My’s attention before she can respond to Fatou’s words.

Her breath catches in her throat, as her eyes run along the charms dotting the bracelet. The sun and moon, beside each other.

“The Sun for me and the Moon for you.” Fatou had explained as she clasped the bracelet around Kieu My’s wrist.

“You kept it?”

Fatou uses her foot to knock the lid off of the box below them, revealing to Kieu My that the bracelet wasn’t the only thing Fatou had held onto. Packed away neatly were all their memories, and a weight settles in her chest, eyes brim with tears.

“I kept everything. It hurt how you erased me.”

“I just. I don’t see the point.”

Kieu My clenches her eyes shut, letting the tears fall down her face at Fatou’s statement, the echo of her words as she placed the bracelet into Fatou’s palm the night of their break up filling her head.

“I’m sorry. I thought if I deleted all the photos, if there was no evidence of our relationship, that I could let you go more easily. But I could never erase you, not from my heart, not from my mind. Even with everything gone, you were always there. I’m so, so sorry, Fatou.”

“I tried to hate you. To hold onto the anger. But I don’t think I ever stopped loving you either. The way my heart ached for you when I saw you again. And then every moment after that.

I’ve been too scared to say it. I’ve been too scared of being hurt again. But,” Kieu My holds her breath, watching a tear roll down Fatou’s cheek, “it hurts to hold it in. Not saying it doesn’t make it disappear.

I love you, Kieu My.”

Kieu My drags in a deep inhale, trembling with the gravity of Fatou’s words. She wraps her arms around Fatou’s body, holding her close.

“I’m sorry I hurt you so badly. For being so foolish. I-”

Fatou cuts off her rambling apologies with a tight squeeze, letting her know that she doesn’t need to pay penance any more. Kieu My presses a kiss to Fatou’s shoulder, finding her voice to say one more thing.

“I love you, too.”

She can feel Fatou’s smile in their embrace, staying close until both of their tears have dried.

“Kieu My?”

“Yeah?”

“I know that I’m taking a risk. I can’t guarantee that we won’t ever hurt each other. But I want this, too. I want us. Completely. Officially.” Fatou’s fingers run nervously across Kieu My’s knuckles, stilling when she’s found the voice for her question. “Do you want to be my girlfriend?”

“More than anything.”

Fatou’s smile radiates, refusing to go away, even as she presses an enthusiastic kiss to Kieu My’s lips. They fall back into bed, bodies entwined as Kieu My had been seeking when she’d first woken up. But this time it’s better, because there’s no guilt when she murmurs ‘I love you’ into Fatou’s neck.

Only absolute joy when Fatou’s ‘I love you, too’ is whispered into her ear.

Chapter Text

The sounds of the city waft in through the open bedroom, but neither Kieu My nor Fatou is eager to leave the bed. Cradled in Fatou’s arms, Kieu My runs her fingers along Fatou’s, pressing their fingertips together, silently appreciating the way their hands fit together.

Kieu My’s lip twitches with a question she’s scared to ask. Feels silly asking. And yet, it’s one she thinks she needs to ask in the morning’s light.

“Do you still want to be my girlfriend?” Kieu My’s voice is hushed.

The arm around Kieu My’s back pulls her in closer and she releases a sigh of relief with Fatou’s answer, “Absolutely”. Fatou’s lips press against her temple before continuing, “But there is a condition.”

Fatou pauses waiting for Kieu My’s eyes to meet her own earnest gaze. “I need you to promise me that you won’t run away. No matter what happens, we talk it out, we figure things out, together.”

Kieu My swallows the lump in her throat and nods eagerly. “I promise. Never again.”

“Okay.”

Okay she says resolutely.

Okay.

How Fatou could give such meaning to such a small word.

“We should tell our friends.”

Okay, I love you.

“You’re ready for that?” Kieu My asks.

“Yeah,

Okay, let’s move forward.

I think it’s time.”

Okay, I trust you.

***

Kieu My bites at her nail with the same intensity that her heart is beating. She’d practiced what to say before Ismail came over, read Fatou’s texts of reassurance over and over again, but when faced with her two best friends, she failed to find the courage.

“Okay, what are you so nervous about?” Yara interrupts Ismail to ask Kieu My.

“Huh?” Kieu My asks, eyes darting to Yara abruptly.

“You only start biting your nails when you’re beyond stressed.”

‘Oh,” Kieu My pulls her hand down onto the table, fingers moving restlessly. Yara’s eyebrows remain raised, waiting for Kieu My to answer her question and she knows this is it. She no longer has to try and find the right moment.

“I’m not stressed out, exactly. I just - I have something to tell you all.”

Kieu My takes in a deep breath and straightens out her posture, finding the composure she needs to have this conversation.

“Fatou and I are dating.”

“What?” Yara cocks her head, uncertain that she’d heard Kieu My correctly meanwhile Ismail has clearly heard her; his brows deeply furrowed trying to process the statement.

“Wait,” Ismail draws out, putting together the pieces. “You? You’re the girl Fatou’s been keeping a secret?”

“No!” Yara exclaims, but the certainty in her tone slips away when she turns to Kieu My. “No, right?”

She doesn’t have time to answer before Yara runs her hands over her face. “What?! How… How long? I -”

“Okay, you need to start from the beginning.”

“Oh, God, okay. I don’t know what Fatou’s told you, Isi -”

“Nothing. LIterally nothing.”

“She didn’t tell you about our kiss? Or how we hooked up Zoe’s last night in town?”

“Excuse me, what?!” Yara seems to have found her voice again.

“What the fuck, no!”

“Oh, okay,” Kieu My breathes out. She takes a sip of her wine before placing her restless hands underneath her thighs. She’ll be better able to tell them everything if she’s not fighting the urge to bite her nails every few seconds.

She starts, as Ismail instructed, with the beginning. With Fatou’s return to Berlin and the first time in years that Kieu My had to face the feelings she’d been stuffing away for far too long. She’s honest with them about how her feelings grew until she couldn’t hide them anymore and she kissed Fatou. Of the way in which they finally discussed their break up and everything that came with it. Their decision to secretly date. Rebuilding.

“I would have told you everything so much earlier, but Fatou asked me not to, and I’m sorry. I couldn’t betray her.”

“I think I’m in shock. Literal shock.”

It’s silent as Yara and Ismail both continue to reconcile what they thought they knew and all that Kieu My has just confessed. Kieu My waits patiently, taking the time to finish her glass of wine. Her heartbeat has found its natural rhythm now that she was able to share all that she’s been holding for the last few months.

“If I wasn’t so happy for you two, I’d be so much more pissed that you lied to me. Wait, did you tell anyone the truth? Does Zoe know?”

“No, nobody. I didn’t tell a soul.”

“Okay, well I get it, you didn’t want to betray Fatou.” Yara quirks her lips, thinking again. “But why are you telling us now?”

“I don’t think we knew what we were doing before last night. Or we weren’t on the same page? But now, we’re both in. Completely. Girlfriends.”

“Shit, Kieu!” Yara pushes her seat out and rushes to embrace Kieu My. “Girlfriends!”

An unexpected breath escapes Kieu My, unprepared for how emotional it would make her to hear somebody else refer to her and Fatou as girlfriends. Her eyes well with tears. It’s no longer a dream that feels completely out of her reach. It’s no longer a secret, unnamed relationship. They’re girlfriends, and soon everyone will know it.

“Babe, how did you keep this secret?”

“It’s been so hard. I’ve wanted to tell you about our first date and all the little moments, like being able to hold her hand again. And when we argued, I felt so alone. But I’m so fucking happy right now because I didn’t know if we’d get here, if I even deserved this second shot.”

“You both deserve this.” Ismail informs her. “I should have known it was you. Nobody but you could ever make Fatou smile like that.”

Her tears return, voice soft when she asks, “Really?”

“Yeah. I’m so happy for you both.”

***

When the knock at the door sounds through the apartment, Kieu My’s heart skips a beat. Despite knowing that Fatou would be coming over, despite her informing Yara of this, the sounds still elicits an instinctive worry, a fear of being caught.

The slight hesitation this caused was enough time for Yara to jump off of her bed and race down the hallway faster than Kieu My’s long stride could take her.

“Hi!”

“Oh, hey, Yara.” Fatou answers with surprise when it isn’t her girlfriend’s face greeting her at the door.

It’s only a few moments later that Kieu My arrives, standing back to watch Yara embrace Fatou tightly. Her grin grows as Fatou’s eyes peer over Yara’s shoulder and find Kieu My.

“So, you were able to tell her.”

Kieu My laughs, nodding unnecessarily.

“Yes, she told me. And I still can’t believe you all kept this a secret. I’m so happy for you both.”

“Thanks, that’s really good to hear.”

“I have so many questions for you, you know, your point of view on all this -”

“Oh, uh -”

“Yara, can’t that wait for another time?” Kieu My interjects.

“I guess . . .” Yara releases Fatou’s arm. “I mean, I’ve already been in the dark for how long, I can wait a while longer to ask my questions.”

“Oh, wow, you’re really already using that.”

“Are you surprised?”

“Of course not.” Kieu My shakes her head, grateful that she knows it’s just a joke. A part of her had been really worried that Yara would be truly upset with her for all her lies and deception, but that’s not Yara.

No, for as tough as Yara can seem, she’s just as soft as Kieu My is underneath the facade she wears in public. Surprisingly understanding and compassionate, one of the most loyal people in her life. She watches with love, as Yara insists that she and Fatou hang out soon before excusing herself so they can retreat to her room and be alone.

“Sorry about Yara.”

“No, that was really nice. Especially after the day I’ve had.”

Discomfort settles in her stomach, watching as Fatou runs her finger along the bridge of her nose, eyes closed. It almost looks like she’s in pain, trying to smooth out whatever has gone wrong in the day.

Kieu My makes sure to move quietly, slowly laying herself down on the bed beside Fatou giving her some space to decompress. When Fatou’s hand stills and then rests beside her own, Kieu My takes it in her own before urging the conversation forward.

“You told Ava?”

“Yeah.”

“Didn’t go well?”

Fatou lets out a heavy sigh and runs her thumb along Kieu My’s hand, recalling her earlier conversation with Ava.

“She’s mad at me. For not being honest with her. About what’s been going on, or about how I’ve been feeling all this time. And I knew she was going to be mad, but still, it sucks. She’s just so protective, and she just…”

Her voice trails off, and Kieu My can see the concern in the way Fatou’s eyes trace over her face, searching for signs of Kieu My’s emotional state. She’s biting her lip to keep from finishing her sentence, even in this moment too considerate of Kieu My to let her own frustrations out completely.

“Doesn’t trust me.” Kieu My finishes for her, keeping any hurt from her voice, hoping Fatou will continue.

Fatou nods almost imperceptibly, turning her gaze back to the ceiling.

“I wish she wasn’t . . . I feel like she’s judging me, for everything, for being in love with you. And I don’t want her to bring up all the worst possibilities, all the insecurities and fears I’ve worked through. I just want her to be on board, you know.”

“I’m sorry, Fatou. I haven’t made it easy for her. I don’t think she’s judging you, not really. She’s just worried for you. I’m hoping she’ll just need some time.”

“Yeah. Do you mind if I stay here this weekend?”

“Mind? Oh no, my girlfriend wants to spend the weekend with me?”

Fatou laughs and rolls over into Kieu My’s arms, shivering with satisfaction when Kieu My’s hand tucks a curl behind her ear. She can feel the vibration of her hum when Kieu My presses gentle kisses to her face.

“Were you able to tell Nora?”

“Mmhmm,” Fatou’s voice grows softer, fatigue taking over. “Nora was good. She had a lot of questions but she was happy because I’m happy.”

She can’t find any more words once Kieu My’s hand squeezes softly at the base of her head, fingers traveling down to rub her back.

***

Kieu My watches the clock on her wall slowly tick forward, until the hour feels decent enough to set out on the mission she has in mind. She’s careful as she extricates herself from Fatou’s warm hold on her, slinking quietly to the end table where she scribbles a note in case Fatou wakes while she is gone.

She’d spent all night, debating on whether or not she should do this, because if she’s honest with herself she absolutely does not want to. She’s scared and uncomfortable, embarrassed and guilty, and it would be so much easier to not do anything. To hope that time would do the work she was too scared to put in.

It was the furrow of Fatou’s brow as she slept that made Kieu My’s decision for her. The love she holds for Fatou propelling her to move past her own instinct for self preservation to do what’s right, to do what she knows she should.

Here

Kieu My waits for the door to open, accepting Ismail’s squeeze to her shoulder as a sign of support before he steps aside allowing Kieu My to walk down the hall to her true destination.

She knocks tentatively.

Ava’s look is solemn when she opens the door, a brief second of surprise on her face, before she turns and walks back into her room.

“What do you want, Kieu My?”

“I don’t know, really. It’s just that, I figured I should talk to you. You’re one of the most important people in Fatou’s life. And she loves you and values your opinion, and I know it’s killing her that you don’t approve.”

“Well I don’t. I mean how can I, Kieu My? This is just so like you. You don’t think about how your actions affect others. You don’t take responsibility.”

“I- I’m trying, Ava. I came here because I wanted you to know that I am trying so hard to be someone who deserves Fatou. I love her, I’ve always loved her.”

“Always?” Ava’s eyes narrow, her tone biting. “Really? You loved her when you abandoned her at a park weeks before university? You loved her when you ignored each of her calls asking for an explanation? Did you love her when you ripped her out of your life and I was the one left trying to put the pieces back together?”

“I fucked up Ava so bad, I know this. I’ve apologized to Fatou. I won’t do anything like that again. I promise, I’ve learned, I-”

“No, you’ll do something new that breaks her. How many times am I supposed to stand by her side and watch her choose someone who constantly hurts her? Do you know how hard that is for me? To see my best friend crumble and not be able to make it better? I knew this would happen. I knew we’d come back here and she’d fall right back into you. And I don’t understand why. Why she-”

“Ava,” Kieu My interrupts, realization dawning on her. “I’m sorry. I’ve been so focused on apologizing to Fatou and trying to make amends for what I did there, I, I didn’t even think about the apology I owe you.”

Kieu My’s voice has softened and the change is enough to shock Ava into silence, watching Kieu My with apprehension.

“You’re right,” Kieu My continues, “I don’t always think about the consequences of my choices or the people that I’m impacting. Or I do, but I can be a coward sometimes. When I hurt Fatou I should have known I was hurting you, too. That I left you dealing with the emotional fallout from our breakup.

I- I’m sorry that I haven’t had this conversation with you earlier. That I’ve never thanked you for being such a good friend to Fatou. For always trying to take care of her, especially when I wasn’t there.”

“That’s what you do when you love someone.” It’s only quiet for a beat before Ava follows up more firmly. “Are you done? Can you leave?”

“I just hope that one day we can work through this because I know we both love Fatou,and I guess I just wanted you to know that I understand how badly I fucked up, and how lucky I am that Fatou is wiling to try again, and,” Kieu My casts one last glance at Ava before shutting her door, “I won’t run this time, not ever.”

***

Kieu My tries to sneak back into her room, but Fatou is sitting up in bed, wide awake, waiting for her.

“Those bagels took a long time.” Fatou points at the bag in Kieu My’s hands. “Are they fresh, and warm?”

“Mmhmm,” Kieu My tosses the bag into Fatou’s outstretched hands and crawls back into bed with her.

Instead of ripping into the bag, Fatou traces her finger along Kieu My’s face, noting the fatigue there. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just did some thinking. How grateful I am for you.”

“Aww,” Fatou smiles and pulls Kieu My into a kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you. And breakfast. You want to eat?”

“In bed? Wow, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Hey,” Kieu My teases, “don’t make me change my mind.”