Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Things were going well, for once.

Things hadn’t been going well for Peter since... probably since he was born. Parker luck, as May called it. Things had been on an especially steep downward trajectory since that spider bite and the subsequent spidery-ness he woke up with one day. There was that horrible night he thought he’d die then... Ben... but then he became Spider-Man and had been trying to prove to the city and the Avengers and himself that he had what it took. 

But nothing seemed to be working for the longest time, and supheroing was just Peter swinging around the city in his homemade outfit, saving cats from trees and helping old ladies cross the street, and occasionally stopping a carjacking. All of that for a few weeks until he finally, finally got his shot at a debut.

Peter— or more accurately Spider-Man— had been called by the Avengers as backup. His first real mission. Though the call was just a very vague, extremely suspicious sticky note left with the owner of a cafe he somehow met Black Widow at on a random Tuesday after school reading 'show up here, Friday. It was still super exciting, and he couldn't wait to finally get his chance at joining his idols, for real.

Turned out the group was fighting some guy in a trash can (what was his name? Iron guy, metal man, Tin can? Peter honestly couldn’t remember but his suit was cool looking so whatever), who was flying around, wreaking havoc. Peter showed up to the scene, 5 minutes late because he had a Spanish test he needed to finish, and saw the Avengers surrounded by what looked like drones as trash can man flew above them, getting what looked like a big laser beam ready.

So, Peter did what he was good at, talking endlessly and trying to web the guy up.

”Spider-Man!” Captain America yelled out as he avoided some bullets.

”Hey Cap!” He called back, smashing two drones flying toward him. “Need help with the baddie?”

”No! Just focus on evac-“ Captain America didn’t get the chance to finish, being cut off by the action ramping up around him. And since he wasn’t paying attention...

”Yes?! Ok, don’t worry Cap, I won’t let you down!”

Peter swung over to the robot man, trying to sneak up behind, but was quickly met with a blast that Peter just barely avoided. He ducked and rolled onto a rooftop and waited until the villain was facing him to launch into the speech he’d only practiced once or twice tops in front of the mirror before bed.

”Villain!” he boomed, or tried to, puffing his chest out with confidence, “I command thee to cease this mischief at once! If you do not surrender, I will be forced to-“

”I’m sorry,” Metalman interrupted, not sounding even slightly apologetic, “did you just say ‘thee’ unironically?”

”Um-“

”You know what, I don’t care, don’t answer that.” And the fight really began.

It was going pretty ok. He distracted the villain long enough for the others to get their momentum and start fighting back. It was going ok until trash-robot-metal man blasted him almost a block away and he ended up slamming into a wall at the top of a building.

“Ow,” he groaned. It was way more than an ow and he was pretty certain he hit his head too hard if the sudden stars in his vision were anything to go by.

“I'd bet it’s an ow bug boy,” trash man snapped, shooting more lasers at him from his gauntlets.

“I hope you know spiders are-“

“Arachnids, yes I know.” The man sighed, exasperated but with a touch of something that sounded like May whenever Peter tried to put together a decent outfit for her. Weird. “Why are you even here?”

Peter leaped over him and landed almost gracefully on his feet. “Because I’m an Avenger!”

The villain just stared at him through the eye slits on his faceplate. “Mm, no you aren’t.”

“I am.”

“You aren’t. Trust me, kid.” The fighting started again. “I have extensive files on every Avenger, you are not one of them.”

Peter was very glad he had the mask to hide his stupid blush. “I’m, uh, I’m new.”

Metal guy snorted. “No shit. Think fast.”

He continued lobbing grenades that matched his suit (cool) and laser beams at Peter that were getting progressively harder to dodge as his wounds burned and his vision got fuzzier.

Peter dodged them, sluggishly, and got hit on the side. “You know you could... uh maybe chill?”

The villain scoffed. “How old are you, 20?”

14, Peter mentally corrected but he didn’t need to know that. “Old enough!”

“Then you’ll be old enough to take this.”

Another blast caused Peter to fly off the roof and tumble several stories down, hitting what seemed like every fire escape on the way down until he landed in a trash can.

Everything after that was a blur. For better or worse.

Peter blinked awake with a killer headache, saw the same trash can, C3P0 with a red paint job guy standing in front of him, and immediately pretended he was asleep again.

“No no no, I know you’re up spidey.”

Peter squinted out of one eye. “You can’t prove that.”

“Wha- you just did by speaking.”

Peter groaned and hung his head. “Can I get like 5 more minutes of sleep please?”

“Kid, I just kidnapped you, tied you up in my lab- in my secret lair, and you're asking for 5 more minutes of sleep. Really?”

Peter narrowed his eyes. “Is this a trick question or...”

Red C3P0 sighed robotically and pressed his fingers against his forehead. “How old- you know what? I’m just going to figure out who you are.”

“Wait what!? No stop-“

The mask was tugged off. Peter readjusted to the lighting and saw the robot staring at him. Peter wanted to shift or do something, but considering he was tied to a chair, he really didn’t have much mobility.

“Oh my god,” the robot finally said, “you’re 10.”

“I’m going to be 16 in a few months!” In 21 months exactly but this guy didn’t need to know that.

“The Avengers have a 9-year-old fighting for them,” the robot continued like he’d never heard Peter. “I kidnapped a child.”

“Not a kid.”

“The more you say that the more you sound like one. Why am I arguing with a toddler?”

Peter pulled against the restraints but they didn’t budge. Either because of that stupid headache or they were vibranium or some crazy metal. “Can you please not sell my identity to the media for profit? Or attack the people I’m close to? Because, well, I know you're a... wait, who are you?”

“Did-did you just ask who I am?”

“...yes?”

The robot stumbled back, placing a hand on his chest like he was acting in a play. “Kid, I’m genuinely offended.”

“S-sorry, I'm new to this and don’t really keep up with all of the side villains the Avengers fight-“

“Did you just call me a side villain?”

“I did.”

“This- you-“ the guy made a strange gesture with his hands that made him look like he was losing his mind. “I am Iron Man.”

“...ok.” Peter squirmed in his seat when Iron Man just crossed his arms. “Well, since you already saw my face... I’m Peter. Parker.”

“Why would you tell me your identity? I haven’t even blackmailed you or anything.”

Peter blinked and looked down. “Oh, yea you're right. Sorry, just... forget that I said that?”

Iron Man shook his head. “No.”

“Ok.” The silence stretched and stretched. “Why am I here?”

“Because I’m a supervillain, you’re... definitely not an Avenger, maybe a hero, more than likely a vigilante.”

“More than likely a vigilante,” Peter mocked under his breath.

“What was that?”

“I said you didn’t have to kidnap me. I was perfectly fine um...” What was he doing before he got kidnapped? He couldn’t really remember much after falling from that building, “walking home?”

Iron Man scoffed and went silent for a second before a projection shone from his helmet in front of Peter. It took his still muddled mind a few moments before he figured out what it was. It looked like a YouTube video, titled ‘Spidey in Times Square?! (Not a Prank!) (Gone Wrong!) (Gone Sexual?!)’ and Peter had never wished for a title to be clickbait more than anything in his life than he did right then.

Face your fears, Parker. It can’t be that bad... can it? He swallowed. “Are you going to press play?”

“Patience kid, I’m letting it load.”

Iron Man waited for the video to completely load before he pressed play.

It was Times Square, crowded as usual, but Spider-Man, Peter, ambled into the frame, approaching what looked like a Jimmy Fallon impersonator that was promoting something. Spider-Man talked to the man casually before the conversation began to escalate into a full-scale screaming match. It quickly turned fist-a-cuffs from there, but the fight didn’t last long.

After a few poorly timed ‘Spider Punches’ as Spiderman shouted in the video and some sloppy dodging, Not Jimmy Fallon landed a gnarly hit right on the hero’s jaw, knocking him out cold on the pavement. Some onlookers gasped while others cheered Not Jimmy on, with the impersonator reveling in his triumph over Spider-Man. Then, a familiar sound came from behind as Iron Man clanked into the video. The crowd screamed at the sight of the villain, who scooped Spider-Man into his arms and took off without another word. The video ended there.

The two stood in painfully awkward silence. It was in times like these Peter wished his superpower was the ability to spontaneously stop existing because that would’ve been better than... sitting there, watching that video ever again.

“I um...” Peter licked his lips. “That impersonator put up a good fight.”

“Got you with the old one-two,” Iron Man commented dryly.

“Uh, yea?”

“Kid,” Iron Man sighed, pinching his nonexistent nose bridge. “You lost to a Jimmy Fallon impersonator.”

“Yea. Um, not my best moment.”

“Not your best moment,” Iron Man echoed. He walked away, muttering the same thing to himself, and left the room.

Peter pulled against the restraints. “Hey! Mr Iron Man! I’m still kind of tied up here! Iron Man!”

But the guy was gone and Peter collapsed into sleep. He either passed out from embarrassment or from the probable concussion he had. Or both. Either way, he was thankful for the sweet release of sleep.

Tony Stark was a lot of things. He was a genius, playboy, billionaire, maybe not philanthropist, and secret supervillain. But he is not a child kidnapper and never will be. That’s what he told himself over and over like a mantra after he kidnaped a certain 14-year-old Peter Parker. After beating the shit out of him. Tony honestly wouldn’t have been surprised if CPS burst into his apartment right then and there. He’d probably go along willingly with them.

Because why the hell were the Avengers using child soldiers?! He always knew they weren’t the shining example of morals they always hyped themselves up to being but damn. This was beyond bad. Not that Tony giving the kid a serious concussion and then kidnapping him was any better, but that was expected of him. He was a villain; causing harm, and taking over the world— or the city, whichever came first— was kind of his thing. Well, causing harm to people who deserve it, not children.

Tony rubbed his eyes and peeked inside the room he’d been standing outside of. The kid had his head hanging into his chest, his breaths slow and even. He looked asleep, peacefully so. But if he wasn't...

Whatever his well-being was more important than Tony’s secret at that moment. If the kid found out... Tony would figure it out later.

He stepped inside the room and untied the restraints, catching the kid as he nearly tumbled out of the chair.

“Easy," he mumbled softly. "Jar, scan for injuries.”

“Yes sir.” Jarvis fell silent until he was finished. “He has mild bruising, burns, and a concussion.”

Tony sighed and picked the boy up, taking him to the couch and setting him down gently on his back. The kid settled easily, tucking himself deeper into the cushions and smiling contentedly. Tony bit his lip, ignored the urge to ruffle his hair, and turned away.

“Jar, find me everything you can on-“ Tony stopped himself and frowned. He glanced back at the sleeping boy and shook his head as he walked towards the door. “Just let me know when he wakes up. Don’t let him out, we don’t want him fighting and losing to another impersonator.” Not that it wouldn’t be hilarious and mildly frustrating.

“Understood sir. I will monitor his condition and alert you once he regains consciousness. But, if you don’t mind me asking...” the A.I. paused and waited for rejection before he continued, “are you certain letting him rest freely won’t compromise your identity?”

Tony hummed and closed the door gently behind him. He leaned against the frame and crossed his arms. “I’m not but...” Tony shrugged. “Oh well.”

“...very well.”

Tony typed the code to lock his secret lair behind the secret wall of awards in his lab and made his way upstairs. He had a long, long night of research into a certain arachnid superhero vigilante and sending thinly veiled not-really-veiled-at-all threats to the Avengers. Then he'd call Pepper and make sure his company wouldn't completely collapse if he ignored paperwork for another week and make sure his suits were maintained. And in the morning...

In the morning he’d have a kid to take care of.

Chapter Text

“And my next guest,” Jimmy Fallon started, doing his usual clap and leaning forward with a slightly awkward smile, “is Peter Parker, but most people know him as Spider-Man!”

Peter walked out on stage, smiling and waving to... no one. It was strangely empty with the only other people occupying the studio beside him and Jimmy being the cameraman. He did the customary thing, shook Jimmy’s hand, and sat down on the chair, making himself comfortable.

“Heya Spidey. It’s uh, it’s great to finally have you here on the show.”

Peter nodded vigorously. “Great to finally be here Jimbo,” he replied, with a British accent. He made a face, eliciting a laugh from nowhere that made him jump in his seat. He looked around for the source of the noise but saw nothing. “Um, what was-“

“So now that everyone, and I mean everyone— the whole world, all 7 billion people— know your secret identity, what are you going to do?”

Peter blinked. “What?”

Jimmy laughed a little too hard and the ghost audience laughed with him.

“F-funny guy Spidey, or Petey whichever you prefer. Which do you prefer?”

“Um, I like P-“

“Emotional interview!” Jimmy screamed, jumping from his seat and doing a little dance as the nonexistent audience laughed hysterically. “Ok go!”

Words flashed across the screen that Peter could somehow read even though he was in front of the camera. It said ‘Peter Parker hates Jimmy’ which was oddly antagonistic but he went along with it.

“Uh ok. Hey man that’s so-“

Jimmy Fallon wasted no time decking Peter. He fell to the floor and saw the talk show host laughing and shaking his fist while letting out a breath.

“Woah! Right in the kisser huh? No more Spider Punches!”

It was a flick to the forehead that woke him up to the sound of low buzzing and a familiar whirring.

“Ow.” Peter rubbed his forehead and stared blankly into the eye slits. “What the-“

“Do you not remember because of brain damage or whatever weird dream you were having that had you mumbling the name of a famous talk show host under your breath?”

“Um...” Peter ran a hand down his face and waited for the memories to flood back into his empty mind. “A little bit of both, me thinks.”

“Both- me thinks-?!”

“Where are we?” Peter asked, glancing around the pristine apartment. It looked uber expensive and he felt poor just sitting on the couch.

“The living room,” Iron Man stated, “obviously.” He shoved a bottle of water, two pills, and a plate of food into Peter’s hands. “It’s Advil, in case you thought I was trying to drug you.”

“You are trying to drug me and they don’t work. Enhanced metabolism and all.” He placed the pills back in the villain's hands but accepted everything else. “Thank you anyway.”

Iron Man shrugged and rambled while Peter ate. “You have a concussion, nothing too serious but I want to monitor it just in case I missed something. It’s highly unlikely since I’m me but still. I wrapped up all your burns and bruises so you’re good as new, for the most part. I hope you aren’t allergic to peanuts cause that sandwich has got them. How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Peter said in between bites, deciding to keep the fact that he was allergic before the bite to himself. He didn’t feel like giving the guy a heart attack. “Um, can I ask you a question, Mr. Iron Man?”

Iron Man leaned back in his seat and spread his arms comfortably. “Drop the honorifics and you can.”

“Ok, Mr. Man, why are you not experimenting on me or holding me for ransom?”

He could practically hear the raised eyebrow in the villain’s voice if that was even possible. “Should I?”

“Um no please don’t. But... aren’t you like, evil? Or something?”

The word just sounded wrong, falling from Peter’s lips when talking about Iron Man. He hadn’t done anything blatantly evil in the time that Peter’s known about him or been kidnapped besides unknowingly endangering a child and some property damage and attacking the Avengers with the intent to kill and-

Ok maybe some things he did were bad, but evil seemed like a stretch. Especially when Iron Man had just served Peter a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and patched him up.  Not that a few good actions excused the rest, it just seemed... out of character?

Iron Man hummed and tilted his head. “Or something,” was his only response. “I feel like you aren’t worrying about about this situation kid. You definitely should be worrying more.”

“I should, shouldn’t I?.” Peter took another bite, smiling when Iron Man scoffed. “I’m not in any danger, so I’m good.”

Iron Man stared at him for a moment. “How do you know you aren’t?”

His spidey sense would’ve said if he was, but it was silent and Peter’s heart was calm in an achingly familiar way that brought back memories of laughing at the pier and being swung between the aunt and uncle. He sank deeper into the couch, grinning even wider. “I just know.”

Iron Man sniffed and stood abruptly, walking to the kitchen to make himself a pot of coffee. “What exhilarating adventures did you go on in that dream of yours that had you so active kid? I don’t think I ever heard someone chat as much in their sleep as you did.”

Peter shrugged and half-listened to the buzzing that’d turned rhythmic. “Being on Jimmy Fallon. It was kind of weird— there was audience I couldn’t see or anything but they were reacting and Jimmy was like, a complete maniac and then he punched me, again. Do you wear that suit all the time or is the suit you?”

“No,” Iron Man responded to one of the questions but didn’t specify beyond that.

He then made his first mistake, or genius master move, which was handing Peter a cup of coffee. Peter knew he wasn’t allowed to drink it, not after the... Incident, but his aunt wasn’t around even though she always somehow managed to know. Maybe she also had superpowers she was hiding. Oh my god, what if May was Scarlet Witch in secret?

... he downed it before May could teleport in the room and smash the cup

“What’s up with your weird obsession with Jimmy Fallon?” Iron Man asked while pouring Peter another cup.

“I’m not obsessed with him.” He could feel the caffeine take effect almost immediately and the buzzing grew louder. He frowned but blocked it out as he chugged the next mug and poured himself more coffee. “I’m just drawn to him. We’ve got like this mental connection or something. It’s beautiful. This coffee sucks by the way, tastes like earth. Your suit’s not actually iron is it? That wouldn’t make sense, iron isn’t lightweight enough, nor does it have the strength to hold up against bullets consistently the way your suit does. It’s titanium alloy isn’t it? Or something crazy like vibranium or adamantium or dragonite or-“

“Ok ok, words aren’t being rationed buddy you don’t have to rush. And I might just hold you for ransom. How dare you insult my coffee? I’ll have you know I imported this straight from Colombia and paid good money for it too.”

Peter rolled his eyes and drank another mug, bouncing his leg restlessly and feeling his entire body twitch with energy and god that buzzing was annoying as hell. “Mr titanium alloy man, I’ve had better Colombian coffee at a cafe down the street from my apartment. This is just overpriced boiled bean.“

“Ok, now I might really have to hold you hostage because what you just said was the most evil, vile, villainous statement in the world. Aren’t you supposed to be the vigilante or hero or whatever? You’re supposed to make me feel gooey and hopeful and all that, not tearing apart my world at its foundations-“

“Do you not hear that?” Peter interrupted, both legs bouncing with a mixture of anxiety and energy that was either from the coffee or his spidey sense or both.

“Hear what?”

Peter got to his feet and started pacing, waving his hands around wildly as he spoke. “That buzzing. I’ve heard it since I woke up. You know, since I have super hearing- oh uh forget I said that. But yea, it’s just like his low buzzing that goes like bum bump bum bump like a heartbeat but  can hear the undercurrent of electronics so I know it’s not organic. Do you not hear it?”

“No,” Iron Man responded, sitting more rigidly. “From where?”

“That wall. It’s so weird but you know what it reminds me of? The sound of a cam-“ Peter gasped and stopped dead in his tracks. “Recorders. They’re recording devices,” he whispered.

“What?” Iron Man got to his feet and moved towards Peter. “This place isn’t bugged, it’s not-“

“Shh shh.” Peter pressed a finger against the weird mouth slit of the faceplate and tilted his head to listen better. He glared at the spot on the wall. “How thick are these walls?”

“Uh super thick,” Iron Man responded lowly.

Peter nodded and slowly moved toward the fridge. “But yea, crap coffee. Anyway, Jimmy screamed emotional interview and the prompt was something weird like-“ he wrapped his hands around the sides of the fridge and got a good grip, “pretend like you hate Jimmy. I don’t hate the guy at all, I actually think he’s really funny,” Peter bent his knees, “so I started to go along with it and then boom!”

In the span of a second, Peter ripped the fridge from the ground, spun around, and threw it with his full force at the wall. The sound of metal slamming into the concrete hurt his ears, but it cut off that stupid buzzing which was so satisfying. Once the wall had stopped crumbling and the fridge was firmly lodged into it, Peter turned to face Iron Man with a smile and held a thumbs up.

“He punched me. Again.”

Several states away at an undisclosed location in Virginia, Natasha Romanoff frowned and set down the pair of headphones she had pressed to her ear.

“Anything?” Fury asked, leaning forward to get a better read on her face.

“There was something.”

“And?”

She furrowed her eyebrows. “I think... he threw a fridge at it?”

Tony pointed at the crushed metal that was once his beautiful Meneghini La Cambusa refrigerator. “That cost 40 grand.”

“You paid 40 grand for a fridge?”

“Yes.” What else would he spend his money on?

The kid rolled his eyes. “Literally anything else.”

Tony really, really wished he had a drink in his hand. Or two. He’d been sitting in his secret apartment/lair for the better part of the 6 hours the kid was asleep, only leaving once or twice for an hour just so he could actually breath outside of the suit and get work down before Pepper could flay him for being a ‘shit company owner’. The thing was not meant to be lived in for such long periods of time.

He was... He wasn’t necessarily happy when the kid woke up (they just met and Tony wasn’t attached already that would be ridiculous) but relieved. Peter had been mumbling in his sleep mostly nonsensical things but the few times he said some name, he whispered it thick with emotion that Tony knew far too well.

But having his fridge destroyed and his apartment ruined and learning it was bugged was frustrating and alarming and really not how he wanted the evening to go.

“Jarvis, review all security tapes and let me know I forgot you see anything suspicious,” he said to the A.I.

”Yes sir.”

Tony turned his attention back to the spiderkid. ”So you threw my fridge at the wall.” 

“Because your apartment was bugged” Peter added.

“And you couldn’t have just told me? So I can, you know, blast it with my repulsors?”

“Um...” Peter’s eyes drifted to the side and smiled sheepishly and it was so damn endearing Tony had to clench his fist to not give in to the urge to ruffle the kid’s hair. “Do you want an honest response?”

“No.”

“I kind of wanted to throw your fridge- oh you said no? Um, it was part of my master plan.”

“I hope you have a plan as to how you’re going to pay for that.”

Peter paled considerably. “Wait what? I don’t exactly have the money for that. Being a high school student and all. It’s not like being a superhero pays much either, I just kind of do it, for other reasons. Maybe I could get a job or apply to that internship? I wonder if Stark Industries pays...”

“You know I’m not being serious, right?”

Peter blinked at him in shock and quickly replaced the expression with smugness that the kid was too genuine to pull off. “Haha of course I knew. Because of our,” he pointed between them, “connection.”

Tony gave up on his resistance and finally laid his hand on Peter’s head and messed with his hair. “Sure our connection. You’d make a great henchman you know.”

The kid’s eyes lit up so brightly Tony almost felt like squinting. It was like staring at the sun but without any of the pain, so not like staring that sun at all. Whatever, Tony wasn’t ever great with similes or metaphors.

“You think?”

“I know,” Tony replied, holding back a chuckle. “If only you’d give up the hero life... the possibilities. Thanks anyway.”

Peter swatted his hand away with a laugh that made Tony’s heart swell. “I think you should be thanking Jimmy, he gave me the idea. You know, crowd I can’t see listening, recordings, all that. Could’ve done without getting punched though.” Peter absent mindedly rubbed his jaw.

“I guess I’ll be putting my Jimmy Fallon shrine to good use. Finally.”

“Finally,” Peter repeated mockingly.

Tony clicked his tongue. “Where do you live?”

“Uh creepy question. Queens. 21st street.”

“Didn’t you ever learn stranger danger?”

“Nope!” Peter replied happily, popping the p.

“How are you alive?”

“No clue.”

Geez this kid needed protection. At all cost. Tony sighed. “Let’s get you out of here before you destroy my Fendi sofa. Either hop on my back like a leech or I carry you princess style.”

The kid jumped on his back. “Leech.”

“Close your eyes.”

“Done. Hey, are we still in New York or did you take me to the North Pole or something?”

Tony rolled his eyes as he opened the door  and made his way to the exit. “What am I Santa?”

“Villain Santa, and you give out concussions instead of gifts to naughty children.”

“... sorry about that,” Tony said, still feeling terrible about it. “And you are far from naughty, kiddo.”

Peter just snorted.

Tony activated the suit’s stealth mode. It wouldn’t cloak Peter, but a flying kid was better than civilians seeing Iron Man and calling the Avengers. That was a fight he really didn’t want right now, not when his priorities were elsewhere. “We’re about to take off. Want me to count down?”

The kid’s grip tightened. “Please.”

“Ok, 3-“ and they took off.

“I thought you were counting down!” Peter screamed.

“I was.” He glanced over his shoulder and smirked when he saw the kid’s eyes still shut. “You can look now.”

Peter cracked one eye open and let the other follow. Both widened and filled with awe at the sight of the city from above, which Tony had to admit was spectacular.

“You do this everyday?!” Peter shouted over the wind.

“Whenever I get the chance.”

“Amazing!” Peter laughed. “It’s nothing like web slinging!”

“Better or worse?” Tony asked as they turned a corner.

“Different. Not better though.”

”I’ll be the judge of that.”

The flight to Peter’s address, which he had Jarvis pull up because the kid’s directions were shit, was only supposed to take 10 minutes max. But Tony might’ve pulled off a few impressive maneuvers that made the kid whoop and laugh. And he might’ve taken the scenic route. The 10 minute trip turned into 20 by the time they landed on the fire escape outside Peter’s window, and the kid was obviously exhausted. Tony made the executive decision to open the window and carefully lay him in his bed.

“Thanks Mr Man,” Peter murmured into the pillow.

“No problem kid,” Tony replied gently. He stood in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do until he realized he was standing over a sleeping kid on his apartment after kidnapping him. Not the best look. “I feel like I have a moral obligation to your parents to chain down your fridge before you decide to launch that at the tv-“

“‘Ron m’n,” Peter turned his head enough to get semi-coherent words out. He cracked one eye half opened. “Will I se’ you ‘gain?”

Tony wanted to say yes and promise that he’d make sure the kid would be alright, but that would be overstepping so many boundaries and would be terrible for his public image. But if it came to the kid...

“Hopefully not.”

Peter frowned. “Why?”

Because Tony had a bad habit of ruining everything and everyone that touched him and he was not about to do the same to Peter. “Stay on your side of the law, Underroos, and we’ll meet again.”

Tony climbed out the window as Peter fell asleep again. He closed it quietly behind him, locking it shut and posting a discrete drone he could monitor the apartment with in case any thing happened. He took one last look at the kid and smiled.

“Don’t die before I see you again.” And Tony was gone.

Chapter Text

As it turns out, Monday mornings after being kidnapped and nursing a concussion over the weekend weren't that bad. Even if Peter started the morning to the lovely sound of his alarm clock blaring in his overly sensitive ears, worsening the killer headache he’d woken up with. And he accidentally smashed his alarm, for the third time that month.

Joy.

“I’ve got good news and even better news,” May greeted as he walked into the living room.

“Iron Man has declared he is no longer a supervillain and is working toward world peace.”

“Nope, the only thing on tv is that Spiderguy who was last seen fighting some guy before he got kidnapped.”

She gestured to the screen where, sure enough, cellphone footage of Peter’s less than impressive exploits were being broadcasted. Citywide.

“Embarrassing,” he whispered in horror, mostly for himself but May apparently heard him and snorted.

“Yea if I were him I’d probably find a hole and never come out from it. I mean, what superhero loses to a literally random-ass dude? I could probably have taken that guy…”

Peter was way ahead of her, already having remembered a suitable hole near Delmar's for him to crawl into and die and forming his will in his head.

“Anyway,” May said while hurriedly putting on her sneakers, interrupting his plans to cease existing, “the good news is I have tomorrow off.”

Peter perked up. “Great news is Thai for dinner?“

“I always knew you were a genius.” She sprinted to him, planted a kiss on his cheek, and sped out the door with a quick 'goodbye' thrown behind her.

With the promise of a good, not burned dinner and the fact that he was somehow home and alive after being kidnapped over the weekend, the only way his day could possibly get better was if his stupid headache went away and someone crazy walked up to him and offered him an internship, like Doctor Banner or Tony-

“What in the crapster?”

Tony Stark, of all people, was leaning against his car, arms crossed against his chest and obviously waiting for someone.

He raised an eyebrow. “Crapster? That’s gotta be the worst curse I’ve ever heard, I thought kids were supposed to be creative with things like that.”

Peter pointed at him. “You’re Tony Stark.”

The man gasped and whipped off his sunglasses dramatically. “No way, you’re lying, right? I’m Tony Stark?! Why did no one tell me!?”

“No one told you!?”

Tony Stark rolled his eyes. “You’re a little shit, you know that?”

Peter giggled and glanced at the car. “May I ask why you are here? Standing outside my apartment. In Queens?”

“You may. I was waiting for you.” He opened the door to the passenger’s seat. “Hop in.”

“Are you offering to drive me to school?”

“No, I’m offering to let you drive my hundred thousand dollar Maserati. Yes, kid, I’m taking you to school.”

A memory of a conversation from the day before passed through Peter’s mind. He bit back a smile. “Someone once told me I have no understanding of stranger danger. I'm trying to remedy that.”

Tony Stark’s eyes flashed with something halfway between fond and impressed. “A stranger who has the most visited Wikipedia page in America and will make sure you aren’t late to school, which you will be if you try to walk there now. So,” he gestured to the seat, “kidnapping or no kidnapping, that is the question.”

And that was how in the span of 24 hours, Peter Parker managed to get taken by both Iron Man and Tony Stark. And the reality of Peter’s situation began setting in. He was in a car that was beyond nice, which was expected of probably the richest man in the world, much cozier than he imagined with black leather seats and an entire fridge between them and peanuts that probably cost more than Peter’s soul-

“I’m not gonna beat around the bush here,” Mr Stark started, keeping his eyes straight ahead. “You want an internship?”

“A-an internship?”

“I said that Right? Unless I started speaking Italian, which occasionally happens so let me know if I do.”

“Oh my god,” Peter breathed, letting his head fall back on the headrest behind him. “I’m hallucinating, I have to be.”

Mr Stark snorted. “Pretty sure this is not Inception, but feel free to spin your top if you don’t believe me.”

“I-I just… I don’t understand. I didn’t apply and- well I don’t know what the standard procedure at Stark Industries is, but most other internships just send an email or have a quick virtual interview and that’s it.”  The  owner of the world's biggest company didn’t just show up at potential interns’ homes and offer them a ride to school. On a Monday.

“Eh. I could give spiel you the whole September Foundation spiel but the fact is I wanted to personally scout you. You’ve got potential kid. Lots of it.”

“But…” Peter shifted uncomfortably in his seat and waited until they turned a corner to finish his sentence. “Why me?”

Mr Stark sniffed. “There were other kids,” he started slowly and carefully, “but none of them are you.”

Peter blinked in shock and felt his brain short-circuit at that statement, which should’ve been said plainly but there was an undercurrent of emotion that made it feel like it meant more. “Oh- oh wow- thank-“

“Oh, looks like we’re here,” Mr Stark interrupted quickly as they pulled up in front of the school. He handed Peter a business card. “Right well, nice seeing- meeting you, Parker. Shoot me an email or text whenever you make a decision.”

“Um, yea. Oh, thanks. I’ll… I’ll yea. I’ll go.”

Peter stumbled out of the car, heard it drive away, and walked to his first period in a daze, plopping down next to Ned.

“Dude, what’s wrong? You look like someone just told you that at the end of The Martian, Matt Damian-“

“No spoilers! I haven’t seen it yet!” Peter shouted, clapping a hand over his giggling friend’s mouth. “I just… I think I might’ve hallucinated Tony Stark driving me to school.”

Ned’s jaw fell open. “So that's who's car it was? Tony freaking Stark drove you to school?!”

“See, I don’t know if it’s a hallucination or if it really happened. I’m leaning towards choice one, mostly because it’s too ridiculous to be real. I mean, Tony Stark offering me an internship, saying he’s been scouting me? Naw, unbelievable.”

“If it’s real, I might actually freak out. Like totally faint because that’s the coolest thing I’ve heard all week.”

Ned stared down blankly at his phone before what Peter said sunk in completely. It happened in stages. His phone fell from his hand onto the desk, his eyes widened to saucers, and his heart rate skyrocketed. Peter braced himself for impact.

“TONY STARK OFFERED YOU AN INTERNSHIP?!?!” Ned all but shouted in Peter’s still sensitive ears.

He tried to hide a flinch and rubbed his forehead to keep the headache at bay. “Geez, dude can you not announce it to the whole school.”

Ned calmed down just enough to not scream but was still buzzing. “If it’s real, the whole school is going to know and I will actually, actually legitimately not even joking, pass out right here. On the desk, in the middle of homeroom.”

Peter snorted. “If it’s real, I will drag your unconscious body to the nurse’s office. And I’ll get you an autograph.”

Almost on cue, Flash burst into the classroom, steam blowing from his ears. He marched up to Peter’s desk and shoved the phone in his face.

“What the hell is this, Penis?!”

It was a poor-quality photo, but it was clearly Tony Stark sitting next to the one and only Peter Parker in the car in front of the school.

“It’s real, it’s real, my best friend knows Tony Stark…” Ned muttered, looking like he was about to explode before passing out.

Peter sighed and hoisted his friend up. “Honestly, same.”

Turns out, giving a random kid from Queens a ride to school when you are one of the most famous people in the world is not an entirely good idea. It was actually a very, very bad idea that Tony didn’t realize the full extent of until he was almost back at his penthouse at the top of the tower and Pepper ambushed him.

“I would like an explanation,” she said flatly.

“Um, I’m not cheating on you, so the baby isn’t mine. Cross my heart and hope to die. Unless it is, in which case I am fully prepared for death and have already written a will-“

“Why did you drive that kid to school?”

Tony raised an eyebrow. He was expecting a scathing accusation or some sort of bombshell news, not having to explain why he technically kidnapped a kid for the second time to take him to school to his girlfriend, maybe-soon-fiancé. “Because… he needed a ride?”

A disbelieving grin spread across her face. “You just happened to be in Queens and then decided, on a complete whim, to drive a random teenager to Midtown High?”

“Yes.”

That was a completely believable story. Far more believable than admitting to being notorious and highly wanted supervillain Iron Man who gave a local vigilante— also toddler— Spider-Man a concussion, nursed him back to health, dropped the kid back home, and wanted to monitor his condition (and safety because let’s be honest, the kid was reckless and a menace to society) but having no viable option besides showing up in front of his home and driving him to school and then finding he enjoyed tolerated the boy’s company more than he expected and is now, possibly, drawing up very discrete and maybe not entirely legal adoption plans. Tony knew he should've been keeping his distance but... how does one go about adopting a superhero? Tony mentally added that to his Spidey Protection to-do list that he definitely didn’t have.

“Just scouting interns,” he smiled.

Pepper smiled back, looking just as gorgeous as always. “Then I expect to keep seeing you scout interns. All week. In the press. And actually choose one.”

And his hell loop began.

He tried to avoid it initially, hunkering down in his lab for the rest of the day and enacting every do-not-disturb protocol he had. It worked until Pepper enacted her own override protocols and dragged him to their room, where she threatened to rip him a new one if he did not abide by her commands. And Tony, being the good boyfriend he is, did not incur her wrath and made plans to drive some other random kids to school. Eugene 'not Krabs' Thompson, Cindy Moon, Elizabeth Toomes, Michelle Jones, and finally, Ned Leeds who Tony had to help into the car after he passed out upon setting eyes on Tony.

“…My friend Peter and I wrote a research paper on the application of palladium in other medical tools and while I know it’s unreleased Stark industries tech, we kind of have a theory that Iron Man uses similar tech and-“

“Wait,” Tony interrupted. What the kid said was equally impressive and terrifying since he sounded one eureka moment away from figuring out Tony’s identity, but something else caught his attention. “Peter? As in Peter Parker?”

The confusion and twinge of fear that was on Ned’s face was wiped away and replaced with complete joy that was so contagious, like a certain someone. He could see why they were friends

“Oh my god yes! You know Peter! Yea, he’s my best friend, has been since like 1st grade. He’s the best.”

Toy smiled. “He is.”

He’d go back to the tower, avoid responsibilities for the day by working on his suit or bothering Rhodey or doing a bit of hacking into SHIELD and other government agencies or blackmailing the Avengers. When Pepper was being especially inattentive, he’d sneak out in one of his suits, cloaked of course, and see if he could find a certain superhero/vigilante. And if he was feeling especially bored or curious or a twinge of something in his heart that some may call the ice around it thawing but Tony called heartburn, he’d browse the internet for Spider-Man.

YouTube clips of him catching buses— giving Tony heart palpitations— and saving babies and helping old ladies cross the street. It wasn't fighting aliens or trying to save levitating cities or saving the world. They were things that earned him a churro or a quiet thanks. Helping the little guy, friendly neighborhood heroing. Little things the kid did in a cheap onesie, which was both charming and terrifying, thinking of Peter facing anyone with a weapon more dangerous than a spoon.

That onesie was a major issue. Bad for Spider-Man and Iron Man’s images if Tony was going to be seen with him more often, bad for safety, not great for anything else besides hiding his face. Maybe he was due for an upgrade…

Progress on which lasted until Jarvis dutiful alerted him that Pepper was on her way home. He ordered pizza, waited for her, ate it together, and then got his argument ready as to why he should be relieved of babysitting duties.

“I’ve got better things to do,” he started, which was the worst way to present anything to Pepper Potts, CEO of Stark Industries. Who definitely had better things to do than listen to him complain.

She snorted, which was the appropriate response. “And I have a unicorn in my backyard.”

Tony narrowed his eyes. “I don’t believe you but I know you aren't a liar, so bring me its rainbow poop and we’ll call it even.”

She sighed and grabbed her Starkpad. “Tony, this is honestly the least you could do to contribute to your company.”

“Is it really mine? I haven’t run it in a while.”

“It’s got your name on it.”

“Ah, that reminds me!” He clapped his hands dramatically. “We’re due for a rebrand. I’m thinking Potts Industries. PI, like pi, got a nice ring to it and it’s kind of clever.”

“I’d rather you keep your company and your current day job of driving these kids with lots of potential to school.”

“Pepper you’re turning Happy into a glorified taxi driver. My Forehead of Security is going to quit.”

“My Head of Asset Management, your personal uber,” she corrected, not even looking up from her tablet.

“Emphasis on the word personal. I don’t want any snotty kids in my car, touching my things, handing me things,” he added with a shudder.

“Don’t forget you started this by randomly driving one so-called snotty kid to school. By your own will.”

“He’s not snotty.” Peter was anything but that.

“Your words not mine.”

She pressed the tablet into his hands, a screenshot of a Tweet on the screen with a picture of him in his car from 2003, taken after a particularly bad hangover from a party Happy refused to chauffeur him to. Above it read ‘ Which one you picking: 1 million dollars or a car ride with Tony Stark?’

“Who the hell would choose me over $1 million? What do I have over cash?”

“Advice on how to be successful but that’s not the point.”

“I beg to differ. That is most definitely the point. How would they even know if I'll give them good advice? I invested several million into MySpace, I'm not exactly a financial advisor.”

“The point,” Pepper cut in, snatching the tablet from his hands, “is that this is great PR that’s generating lots of positive attention online, especially among the younger generation who are your staunchest critics.”

“Right, cause being a former weapon's dealer and the Merchant of Death is 'more than a character flaw'.”

Pepper stood, completely ignoring his rambling. “You are going to keep driving these kids around and giving them… hopefully decent advice that doesn’t involve drinking half your life away and getting kidnapped by terrorists.”

“So none of the good stuff?”

“Only the good stuff, or so help me god.” With one last click of her heels, she stepped into the elevator and the doors closed behind her.

Tony leaned back on the sofa and blew a raspberry up at the ceiling. “If this is what being good gets me, I might just become a villain.”

“I must inform you, sir, you already are,” Jarvis added.

Tony pulled up the hologram of the suit around and zoomed in on the mask. “I will turn you into a glorified alarm clock. Adding sir to a sentence doesn’t make it any less disrespectful.”

“I am well aware of that fact. Would you like me to contact Mr Parker’s guardian regarding the internship?”

He grinned up at the ceiling. “You know me too well.”

It was Wednesday, 2 days after his fateful Stark approved kidnapping and the subsequent torrent of other kids being whisked away by the magical car, off to see the wonderful inventor Stark. Liz, Cindy, that scary girl Michelle, even Flash got a ride.

“Dude,” Ned breathed as he walked up to Peter at the front of the school, swaying dreamily side to side and clasped his hands over his chest, eyes sparkling. “I’ve died and gone to heaven.”

Peter caught a glimpse of Mr Stark in the car. The man pulled down his sunglasses, winked, and saluted before driving off.

“So you’ve fallen to the dark side, Ned?”

“Peter!” Ned clasped his friend's shoulders and looked straight into his eyes. “I have never had such an important conversation in my life. I can feel the success in my bones, I can see the money rolling in, I can hear the crowds cheering my name as I present my next project. Don’t you hear that, that sweet sweet sound of victory?” Ned closed his eyes and nodded, tears welling in the corners of his eyes. “We’re on the right track, my friend.”

“What I’m hearing is that you’d take a car ride with Tony Stark over $1 million.”

“Yes, Peter. Any day.”

The day trudged on until Peter was back home and had a few hours to spare before May got home. Yea, maybe he should’ve been doing his homework or thinking over the internship offer or trying to track the city’s newest villains, but he wasn’t in the mood for that. So he threw on his suit and swung out.

Not much was going on. A few attempted carjackings, one stolen purse, an overwhelmed mother that he helped carry up some groceries and put them in her fridge. For his efforts, he earned a chocolate bar that he quickly devoured. A group of European tourists egged him on, so he did a few flips and tricks for them and had to hand back at least $20 worth of bills they kept trying to hand him. All in all, a quiet night (that was made slightly not so quiet by the fact that multiple people had asked him why he had lost to that impersonator) which he was planning on capping off by stopping this maybe robbery he’d heard a few blocks down.

The fight was progressing rather well. Sure, Peter had taken more than a few punches to the gut and across his face, but 3 of the 4 guys were down. Now there was just this last-

“Stay back!” The man shouted, pointing a shiny gun right at Peter’s face. “Unless you want a bullet in your brain, I suggest staying right where you are, bug boy.”

“Name's Spider-Man but I commend the effort.”

“You little shit-“

He was cut off by the full force of a metal suit crashing down on top of him. The gun skidded across the pavement, far away from the unconscious man as Iron Man stood up to full height.

“That nickname is reserved for certain people, so keep the comments to yourself. Asshat.”

Peter blinked and rubbed his eyes. “Iron Man?”

“That’s me, glad you remember my name. Wasn’t sure you would after that hit to your noggin. How is it, by the way?”

“I’m sorry but who are you?”

Iron Man fell silent for a beat. He stepped off the guy he was still standing on and moved closer to Peter, tone switching from snarky to concerned like someone flipped a switch. “Are you having trouble remembering things? How’s your hand-eye coordination, do you remember your name?”

Peter bit his lip and shook his head, pressing a hand against his forehead. “S-sorry it’s just… it’s hard to remember all of the low-level villains I fight.”

Iron Man scoffed but it sounded more like a chuckle. “Toddlers.”

"How'd you know where I was?"

Iron Man shrugged. "Our connection."

“Thanks for saving me, but I would’ve been fine,” Peter said with a grin.

Iron Man snorted. “Fine with only one more bullet in you than usual.”

“Maybe two for good measure.”

“Kids these days…” Iron Man crushed the gun under his foot. “But seriously, how are you?”

Peter kicked a rock. “Alright. This week has been,” he waved his hand, “crazy.”

“If I’m seeing you on the front page of Twitter, I can imagine it was.”

Ugh. Peter ran his hands down his mask. “Ok, don’t call me a liar or anything when I tell you this. Tony Stark offered me an internship.”

“…wow, that’s amazing kid. Congratulations.” Iron Man believed him which was crazy, but he also sounded… genuine. Actually proud happy for Peter. It made him feel…

“Uh, t-thanks. But like, I don’t actually know if I’ll get it. I mean yea, he personally scouted me, but he also did for a few other kids at my school that I know deserve it more than me and-“

“Hold it there,” the man held his hand up. “Underoos, I know I’ve only known you for a few days, but if anyone deserves that internship, it’s you.”

Peter was glad he was wearing the mask so he didn’t have to actively hide his blush. “B-“

“Nope. Nuh-uh. You swing around here, fighting petty criminals and villains and supervillains and me, and still make time for school and family and friends. You don’t do this crap for the reward that you obviously should get or glory or whatever. If you were, you’d have kept that money those tourists tried to give you. You’ve got heart, Peter. You deserve this.”

God, that made every word Peter could ever hope to say clog in his throat and never want to leave. Iron Man seemed to notice and intervened smoothly.

“And I also think you deserve an easy night, well, easier than it would’ve been if I were to fight you.”

“Don’t think you would’ve made it much harder,” he managed, hating how thick with emotion his voice sounded.

“And my point has been proven. You are a little shit.” His suit fired up and the villain was slowly rising from the alley. “If you promise to try and make it home safe, I won’t take over the world this week. Deal?”

Peter rolled his eyes but couldn’t help his smile. “Deal.”

He watched Iron Man take off and quickly went back home, stashing his suit back in the loft above his room. He grabbed the business card from where he’d thrown it on his desk, snatched his phone, and sent the message before he could second guess himself.

“Message received from an unknown number in Queens," Jarvis announced. "I have identified it as belonging to Peter Parker. Shall I read it aloud?”

Tony finally tore off the gauntlet he’d forgotten to remove and glanced up from the Spidey Tracker Twitter. “Hit me with it.”

“Message reads: Car ride over money. Any day.”

Chapter Text

Start of conversation with — literallytonystark

peaterporker: car ride over money.

peaterporker: any day

literallytonystark: oh no, you’ve been corrupted too

peaterporker: corrupted!?!?

literallytonystark: those internet jokes you kids like

literallytonystark: memes

peaterporker: memes are funny

literallytonystark: the day I laugh at something on Twitter is the day I have officially lost it

literallytonystark: let’s hope that’s not soon

peaterporker: mr stark…

peaterporker: it might already be soon

literallytonystark: I will delete and block your number

peaterporker: please don’t

literallytonystark: accept the internship and I won’t

peaterporker: I already did!!!

peaterporker: That’s what my initial message meant

literallytonystark: how the hell was I supposed to know that? Just say you accept like a normal person kid

peaterporker: I was trying to be metaphorical about it

literallytonystark: ugh

literallytonystark: we’ll work on that

literallytonystark: Friday right after school. I’ll have someone pick you up

“I think I might faint.”

“Please don’t.” Peter promptly snatched his phone out of Ned’s hand before his friend could actually pass out. “Your mom’s gonna think I’ve cursed you if you do.”

“And you have!” The entire class fell almost completely silent as Ned shouted. He grinned sheepishly and waited for the chatter to resume before he continued in a more reasonably leveled voice. “I mean, you texted Tony Stark dude. That’s like every kid in this school’s dream. Except for Michelle.”

“Yea but it was only for the internship. It’s not like we’re besties or anything, he barely even knows me.”

“He barely knows you because you guys just met but Peter, you’re every adult’s favorite child.”

Peter jerked back in surprise. “I’m not.”

Ned rolled his eyes and started putting his things away in his backpack. “Are too. Mr Harrison literally bought you and only you an entire tray of cinnamon rolls last week. You’re like a dream son.”

Peter didn’t point out that he didn’t exactly have a father to qualify him as a son anymore, so he just tossed his things in his bag and the two walked out of class as the bell rang.

“All I’m saying,” Ned continued, “is that Mr Stark is gonna love you and devote his entire life to protecting you before you can even say- holy shit that’s a Rolls Royce!”

Peter frowned. “Why would I even-“ he turned his head and caught sight of the car black car and his jaw dropped. “Holy crap.”

“Dude dude dude is that your ride!? Oh my god you’re getting picked up in that?!?!”

“W-well, I don’t…”

Peter fumbled around for his phone and pulled up the conversation which gave no indication as to who or what type of car was picking him up. His fingers hovered uncertainly over the keyboard for a few seconds before he turned it back and decided he’d figure it out on his own. It was obviously the car meant to pick him up, considering Mr Stark wasn’t really one for subtlety.

Peter glanced back at Ned and gave him a hopefully confident grin. “I guess this is my ride-“

Just as the words came out of his mouth, another black car pulled up directly in front of the Royce, driving too fast but parking perfectly. The driver’s door opened and a man dressed in all black leather and wearing a sick eyepatch stepped out, scanning the area for a minute before his eyes landed on Peter. He stepped around the car and approached almost menacingly, but Peter’s spider sense hadn’t gone off.

“Mr Parker?” The man asked. Peter glanced at Ned and nodded hesitantly. “I’m here to pick you up.

Peter blinked at the man, looking between him and the Rolls Royce. The man followed his line of sight and scoffed.

“Don’t tell me that bastard-“

“Hey!” Another man, this one with a distinctly unhappy expression and in a suit, stepped out the Royce and moved closer to Peter. “Who the hell are you?”

“I should be asking you that question,” Eyepatch said, crossing his arms.

“You don’t need to know that.” Unhappy turned to Peter and eyed him closely. “You’re that Parker kid, right? Hop in, I’m taking you to the tower.”

“So you’re Stark’s man? What does he want with the kid?”

Unhappy scowled. “Like I’d tell you. You could be a murder for all I know.”

“So could you.”

“How do you even know the kid?”

Eyepatch’s eye narrowed. “That’s confidential.”

Unhappy rolled his eyes. “Confidential my ass. Listen if you don’t leave in the next 5 seconds I’m gonna-“

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

“What’d you just say about my mother?!”

“Didn’t hear me the first time Hulk Hogan? I said-“

Peter looked back and forth between the two, completely lost. His phone buzzed and he opened the message while the men continued to squabble.

literallytonystark: why are you still at the school

peaterporker: how do u know where I am???

literallytonystark: I have my ways

Peter paused and scanned the area for any hidden cameras or drones but found none. Still, he pushed his webshooters further up his sleeves.

literallytonystark: kid just get in the car and get here I don’t have all day

He chewed his lip. Maybe this was a test, to see if he chose the right car. Like an entrance exam or something and if he chose wrong he’d be kicked out the internship. On his first day,  before he even got to tour the lab. And if that happened Peter might actually combust.

peaterporker: can I like get a hint??

literallytonystark: a hint??? The most expensive car there

literallytonystark: the driver is happy

Neither of the men looked particularly happy. They were, in fact, seconds away from entering into a fist fight by the way their shouting match had escalated into screaming and both men had their hands firmly pressed against the sides of their hips like they were reaching for their guns. Right in front of the school, no less.

“The kids coming with me, baldy!” Unhappy shouted, gaze flickering to Peter like he was a second away from grabbing him and bolting on foot.

“What the hell did you just call me?!” Eyepatch shouted back inching closer and closer.

“What you’re hearing not working either?”

“You punk ass-”

A small crowd had started gathering, pointing and whispering at the two hysterical men fighting over some kid. It was really suspicious looking and highly embarrassing and Peter was kind of done standing around trying to figure out who to go with, so he walked away.

Thankfully, neither man noticed, still too caught up in their argument over the kid that had just left, so Peter was able to walk a few blocks and revel in the sounds of the city instead of the anxiety over being late to his first day of the internship. Aunt May was not going to be happy that he couldn’t even be responsible for this huge commitment, especially when he’s been bouncing off the walls about it for the entire week. He didn’t even go patrolling, too excited to sleep most nights and then too exhausted to do anything during the day. And now he was blowing it before it even began.

Peter groaned and ran a hand down his face as he continued his walk towards the tower. Hopefully, Mr Stark would give him a second chance. But that was unlikely, especially not when there were so many other candidates that were better qualified and more responsible and less of a hassle than Peter Parker.

Without warning from even his spidey sense, Peter was dragged by the collar of his shirt into an alley. He spun around and barely managed to stop his fist from connecting with face when he recognized Mr Stark, looking slightly banged up with a rumpled suit and a bruise blossoming on his cheek.

“What the hell?!” Peter basically shouted, stumbling back and clutching at his chest as he panted. “Dude, what the hell?!”

“What I can’t spend my time dragging teens into alleyways?” Mr Stark grimaced as soon as he finished that sentence. “Never mind don’t answer that, forget I even said those words.”

Peter sighed and glared at the man. “What was that for?”

“So we could talk somewhere that isn’t right in the middle of the street.”

“You could’ve texted me you know.”

Mr Stark shrugged. “I could’ve. You hungry? Because there’s this great place just a block away from here, if you want to check it out.”

“Um…” Peter hiked his bag further up his back. “I’m sorry for being late. To the internship. There were two cars and then the drivers started arguing and I-“

“Kid,” Mr Stark cut in, “if I actually cared that you were late or didn’t show up at all, I would’ve led with that. But I didn’t so I don’t. I’m more concerned with getting food in you and me, so yes or no?”

Peter chewed on his lip and nodded. Mr Stark grinned and wrapped an arm around his shoulders as he led him back out to the street.

“It’s like a 3 minute walk so I hope you don’t mind the cardio, but you could definitely use the endurance training, especially if you’re going to be swinging- swinging by on foot.”

“I didn’t really plan on it, but I didn’t want to get kidnapped again if I chose the wrong car.” Being kidnapped three times in less than two weeks was a record Peter didn’t want to set. “And neither of the drivers looked happy so I didn’t know who you were talking about, sorry.”

“Looked happy? Kid what-“ Mr Stark paused then burst out laughing, tossing his head back and having to stop in his tracks. “O-oh my god, you thought- you thought he looked- oh my god.”

Peter raised and eyebrow. “What?”

Mr Stark waved a hand around, dabbing at his corners of his watery eyes with his finger. “You’ll find out later. Let’s just get to this place first.”

“Should we really be walking down the street in broad daylight?” Peter asked nervously, glancing around like he expected the paparazzi to jump from behind a bush at any moment.

“I’ve got sunglasses on no one will recognize me.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Sorry, but are you the mega celebrity? No. Keep walking kid.”

“Is he there yet?”

“I don’t know boss, there’s a hundred of those monsters roaming around right now and I’m not getting out until they clear out, plus I don’t even know what this kid looks like.”

Tony fired his repulsor at the car’s tires, which it evaded much to his frustration. “Curly hair, brown eyes, gangly, looks like he trips on his shoelaces and wears the dorkiest science pun shirts.” The SHEILD agents fired at him, but their bullets bounced harmlessly off his armor. Still would probably leave bruises.

“I don’t know about this boss,” Happy said. “This kid’s a security risk.”

“Happy I’m a security risk, I’m literally-“ he fired again at the car, and this time it swerved off the road, “fighting the government right now.”

“I don’t know about this,” Happy repeated like he didn’t hear that. “He doesn’t even have a badge.”

“J, stealth mode.” He landed on a nearby roof and caught his breath. “Then take him to the tower and give him one. I promise the worst he’ll do is blow up a lab or two.”

“Sounds like mini you.”

Tony shook his head. “No he’s not.” He’s better.

“Hm, I’ll be the judge of- who in the-!?”

“Happy? What’s wrong?”

“It’s the kid boss, some guy with an eyepatch just-“ Happy hung up.

Guy with an eyepatch sounded like Nick Fury who shouldn’t even know Peter existed, unless he knew who Spider-Man was. And yea the kid wasn’t the best at hiding his identity, but even the barest hint that someone might know made Tony’s chest feel like the armor was too tight, too constricting.

“Where’s the kid at Jarvis?”

A map with Peter’s last known phone location popped up at his school. Tony frowned and shot the kid a message, to which he immediately responded, then asked for a hint like they were playing Clue.

“Alright, take me to an alleyway close by, and put the armor in sentry mode.”

“Understood.”

They landed a few feet away from the school. Tony got out of the suit, sent it back to the tower, and had just enough time to wipe some of the blood off the cut on his face before he ambushed Peter and decided to drag him away to eat. Mostly eat, partially interrogate.

“KFC, really?” Peter asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Look I could’ve taken you to some fancy ass restaurant where there’s three things on the menu and the only drinks are sparkling water and wine. I figured this was the lesser of two evils.”

“I guess it is.”

Tony ordered “two entire chickens, fried” plus the entire side dish menu and a chicken sandwich, and the cashier looked at him like he’d lost his mind while Peter stared on, horrified. He flashed the kind woman his most award winning smile, placed the order without further complaints from anyone beside the kid, and they took their seats.

“Two entire chickens? No one orders that, it’s not even on the menu!” Peter groaned.

“I order it.”

“Point proven.”

“So,” Tony leaned forward on his elbows, “who was the other driver?”

Peter shrugged and sipped on his soda. “No idea. Some guy with an eyepatch and a really intimidating aura. Intense vibes, you know?”

Tony didn’t know but he wasn’t going to question the new slang. “You ever heard of Nick Fury?”

“No who’s that?”

Wow this kid really was a baby hero if he didn’t know who Nick Fury was. “No one that matters.”

Peter scrunched his nose and went to pick up the food when their order was ready. They dug in and the chickens were gone in 5 minutes flat, most of it vanished into the black hole that was the kid’s stomach.

“Are you ok?” Peter asked timidly.

Tony cocked his head. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

The kid gestured to his face. “That says otherwise.”

Tony unconsciously rubbed at the bruises and cuts from his earlier attack and sighed. “Excursions.”

“Into what?”

“Professional boxing doesn’t seem to be in my cards.”

Peter snorted. “I could’ve told you that.” But his eyes don’t leave Tony’s face and it almost felt like the kid was putting the pieces together in his head and was about to burst out claiming that Tony is Iron- “are you sure you’re alright Mr Stark?”

He said it with such genuine concern in his eyes and plainly in his tone Tony had to swallow hard and look away. “I think you should be more worried about yourself, considering you almost got snatched.”

“I would’ve been fine,” Peter said in between sips, “I can take care of myself.”

“I know, but I’ve gotta make sure you’re safe.”

The kid’s nose scrunched. “Since when have I been your responsibility?”

Since he winded up unconscious in Times Square. “Since you became my intern, so as of Wednesday.”

“Are you sure you... want that?”

Tony frowned and raised an eyebrow. “Want what, to make sure you're alright? Yes, why wouldn't I?”

Peter’s shoulders fell slightly. “Good things don’t always happen to people that care about me. It’s just my Parker luck, I guess.”

For the first time since they met, Tony regretted not reading into the kid’s file. He deserved some modicum of privacy, especially if Tony already knew his identity, but the kid had obviously been through something and Tony hated not knowing what it was and how to help him. 

“Peter,” he waited for the kid to meet his gaze before continuing, “I know we just met and we don’t know each other that well, but I promise you I care. I want to care about you and will no matter what, ‘Parker Luck’ be damned.”

Peter searched his eyes for a moment, looking for something, and he found it. A smile, small but warm and bright, spread across his face as he nodded slowly. “I guess Ned was right.”

”Who’s Ted?”

”You’ll find out later,” Peter said with a smirk. Maybe Happy wasn’t too far off.

He set down his drink to grab the receipt but Tony grabbed it out of his hands.

The kid huffed dramatically. “Come on, let me pay.”

“Oh you really want to see those headlines? ‘Stark forces Oliver Twist to pay for meal’.”

“Oliver Twist didn’t have money, I do.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “Then keep it, invest in the stock market or whatever.”

“I only have $12 dollars.”

“Woah ok Daddy Warbucks, no need to flaunt your cash,” Tony mocked while waving his hands as he stood.

“He’s Will Stacks now in the remake.”

“Lame.” Tony went to pay for the ridiculous amount of food they ordered and walked Peter back outside. “Think you’ll make it home ok?”

Peter nodded and smiled. “Yea, I’ll be fine. Thanks Mr Stark for… everything.”

Everything like Tony had given him the world when all he did was offer an internship and feed him KFC. It was nothing, not when Tony could do so much more.

Tony pushed his sunglasses higher up his nose. “Yea, I’ll see you later then.”

“I won’t be late next time, promise!” And with a wave, Peter took off the opposite direction.

Tony sighed and tracked Peter’s phone location as it made its way back to Queens before he called Happy to pick him up. He debated reading the kid’s file but… Peter would tell him whatever he felt Tony needed to know, whenever he’s ready or willing to.  Happy showed up after a few minutes, suit and overall appearance a mess and more irritated than usual.

“Hey boss,” he greeted as Tony got seated. “What are you doing out here? Everything alright?”

“Yea, great, ate with the kid-“

“What!?” Happy stopped a little to abruptly and Tony almost slammed into he seat in front of him. “He hasn’t even passed the security clearance check and he doesn’t have a badge and that leather asshole is interested in him. I told you boss, I didn’t know about the kid and this just proves he’s a threat.”

“Leather asshole,” Tony echoed as he readjusted in his seat.

“Yea that bastard with the eyepatch. Bald dude, annoying as hell, acting like he owns the place and the kid. Called me Hulk Hogan. No one calls me that but you.”

Toy snorted and read through a vaguely threatening message from some random number promising he’d ‘get what he deserves’. “Did you scare him off?”

”Course I did, who do you think I am? I may not work for you anymore but I’m not just gonna let that asshole insult you. Or my mother.”

Happy’s mother? “How long were you two arguing?”

“From when we were first talking up until you called me.”

“Happy, it’s been over 45 minutes.”

“Yea.” He didn’t expand on that.

peaterporker: mr stark?

literallytonystark: that’s me

peaterporker: I know we literally just ate

peaterporker: but my aunt was wondering

peaterporker: since we didn’t have a first day or anything

peaterporker: if you maybe

literallytonystark: spit it out

peaterporker: wantedtomaybehavedinnerwithustommorownight???

literallytonystark:

literallytonystark: wow

peaterporker: please?

literallytonystark: sigh

literallytonystark: yes but I get to bring miss potts

peaterporker: of course!!!

peaterporker: i also recommend eating before my aunt tends to burn everything

literallytonystark: I’ll bring some pasta

peaterporker: you know how to cook!?!?

literallytonystark: spaghetti-o’s

peaterporker:

peaterporker: no

peaterporker: mr stark

peaterporker: please don’t

peaterporker: please

Chapter Text

A few things happened that led up to May holding a bag of groceries, watching Iron Man stare at her as she walked into her apartment. They aren’t too important but the sequence of events went something like this:

• Wake up at 6:30 am, get Peter and herself ready for school, run out the door to work
• Get home in the afternoon, shoot Peter a quick text asking how his day was and to be back early
• Head to the store, buy groceries
• Almost have a heart attack over a person crashing from the sky.

Said person happened to be Iron Man, who got up and dusted himself off, muttering something to himself before he met her gaze. Then their staring contest ensued and remained until she held up the bag of food she was struggling to carry.

“Want to help?”

Iron Man shrugged. “Why not?”

“You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation.”

“Not really. Pass the salt.”

“Well, it all started with the Spidey Tracker Twitter.”

Tony hadn’t meant to be stalking the account, it just happened to always be opened on his phone. And he had Jarvis alert him whenever there was a report of him fighting a major villain. As he’d done while Tony was helping Pepper pick out dresses for dinner.

“Purple,” she asked, holding up said dress, “or white?”

“Is that even a question? You look sexy in everything.”

“Answer or I’m locking you out of the lab for a week.”

“White.”

She turned back to the mirror, held the dress up against her chest, and nodded in satisfaction. Tony’s phone buzzed a few times, which he ignored until Jarvis spoke.

“Sir, I have sent you several reports according to the 4P’s Protocol that have been ignored.”

Tony immediately sat up and pulled out his phone, swiping past the email notifications to the string of alerts and messages about Spider-Man battling a guy on a glider in Manhattan and based on the few second-long videos he was frantically watching, getting bombs lobbed at him and shot at. Tony didn’t even realize he’d sprang to his feet until Pepper called him.

“What’s wrong?” She asked.

“Uh some business,” Tony answered nonchalantly as he started jogging out of the room. “I’ll be back in a bit!”

“The armor has already been prepared sir,” Jarvis said dutifully. “ETA to Manhattan is 10 minutes at top speed.”

“Good boy, let’s make that 7.”

“Yes sir.”

“So you were going to help the other villain?” May asked as she turned the stove up way too many notches and grabbed a bottle of seasoning that did not go with spaghetti. “What’s his name, Green Gargoyle?… I heard Pete mention it…”

Tony snatched it out of her hands before she could start pouring sugar into the pot and turned the heat down. “No. I work alone, and never with Osborn. Except for that one time, but the team name was stupid. I mean, the Sinister Six? Who comes up with-“

May looked up from the stove and blinked. Tony blinked under the helmet.

“Norman Osborn is-“

“The Green Goblin,” Tony finished, realizing he’s a complete idiot.

“Wow. Ok.” She scoffed and shook her head. “Next thing you know, Tony Stark will announce himself as Iron Man.”

Tony’s heart stopped for a split second before he saw her laughing and he anxiously joined in. “Uh, could you maybe not tell anyone…”

May made a face and stirred the pasta. “So you flew to Manhattan.”

Tony swallowed. “I flew to Manhattan…”

The place was, for lack of a better word, a mess. As places usual ended up after superhero or villain activity was going on. Finding the two wasn’t hard, just follow the trail of flipped cars and screaming civilians until he reached them in an almost aerial duel. The kid was swinging and flipping for his life, dodging bullets and projectiles and giving Tony a mini heart attack every time it looked like a bullet had grazed him or he let himself fall for almost too long.

“Spider-Man!” Tony yelled over Osborn’s maniacal cackling that grated endlessly on his patience.

The kid’s head snapped to him and Tony could imagine the smile he could hear in his voice. “Mr Man! What’s-“ he paused to attach a web to a bomb and throw it back at the Goblin, “Up!?”

Tony flew up to his level and dragged Peter away from another bullet. “You and this guy.”

“Ugh, dad jokes. Not funny.”

“Sure sure.” Tony flew them away from the villain and deposited the kid safely on a rooftop, giving them enough time to chat before the Goblin caught up with them. “Long time no see, what’ve you been up to?”

“Oh you know, fighting bad guys, school, and- oh! I got that internship! The one with Tony Stark.”

Tony huffed. “Right, knew you would. Congrats kiddo, we should celebrate. Right after you explain to me why you’re spending your weekend fighting a crazy middle-aged guy in a million-dollar Halloween costume instead of doing normal teenager things. Like… Scrabble or hopscotch.”

Peter clapped a hand over his mask and failed to suppress a snort. “S-scrabble?”

“Yea, what? I know some of your generation still plays with board games.”

“Mr Iron Man, I’m 14, not 74. Is that what you play in your assisted living home?”

Tony bit his lip, hard. This kid… no he wouldn’t get a laugh out of Tony. Not like this. He pressed his lips together for a long moment and cleared his throat. “I hate you.”

“Aw no you don’t,” Peter said, a pout so clear in his voice.

“No, I do. I really do. You’re my arch-nemesis, I’m calling up my old pals and we’re going to hand your ass to you kid.”

“Old pals as in the other 70-year-olds you spend weekends playing Scrabble and shuffleboard with?”

A muffled laugh escaped his lips, much to his horror and Peter’s complete joy. Tony rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but smile. “You’re such a little-“

“Wait,” May interrupted, leaning across the table. “You pulled Spider-Man aside during a life or death battle with one of the most notorious villains in the city and cracked dad jokes?”

“It’s not like the fate of the world was at stake or anything-“

“You’re not denying that they’re dad jokes though.”

God are all Parker’s like this? It must be something in their DNA. “Are you going to let me finish my story?”

“Go ahead, Irondad, keep gushing about how proud you are of your Spider-Son-“

“Spider-Man!” Osborn bellowed, racing towards the pair.

“Ready for action, Mr Tin Man?” Peter asked as he got himself ready for battle.

Tony frowned at him. “How do you know I’m fighting on your side?”

The kid shrugged and shot a web at the glider, launching himself up and away. “Our connection!”

Tony huffed out a laugh and got to work. He flew back into the air and readied a repulsor while ordering Jarvis to finally deliver the fruits of the Spidey Protection to-do list to the Parker’s residence and-

“Can we skip over the action and get to the melodrama?” May groaned as she plated the pasta.

“It’s not melodrama, first of all. Second of all, the main draw is the action. Why else are you here if not for that?”

“To hear about your adorable, budding father-son relationship with your kid.”

Damn, she’s sharp. Definitely genetic then. “I’m not his father…”

She hummed and grinned. “Not yet. But you’re like 90% there.”

90%. Tony liked that progress.

He caught Peter as the kid went hurtling, almost slamming into a brick wall.

“Ok Underoos,” he started as he set the boy down in an alleyway. “You’re done.”

Peter threw off his mask and looked at Tony in outrage. “What?! No! I’m- I’m fine! See? I didn’t even hit the wall or break any bones or get shot this time-“

“This time!?”

“-and it’s my battle, I started this, I need to finish it,” Peter finished resolutely.

Tony sighed and dragged a hand down his helmet. “I’d rather not see you as a spider-shaped smear on the sidewalk, which you would’ve been if I hadn’t caught you just now. So,” Tony tore the mask from Peter’s hands, “get out of this crappy suit, go home, and spend the rest of your weekend doing normal, teenage things, ok?”

“No! I can’t just- just sit around not when-“ Peter looked like he was on the verge of tears, eyes round and glassy, and Tony felt like shit. “When you can do the things I can and the bad things happen… they happen because of you.”

He looked up at Tony and clenched his fists. “I have to do this.”

This kid… there was something welling in Tony, something clicking perfectly into place. Seeing Peter’s expression, the firm set of his lips, what he just said. The kid is… Peter, he’s the best of all of those so-called heroes, the Avengers, far better than Tony. The best of all of them.

“Evacuations,” Tony managed after a minute, hoping his voice didn’t sound as raw as he felt. “Handle- handle that. I’ll deal with that maniac, you help the little guy. Deal?”

Peter brightened at that, a small smile showing, and he nodded. “Deal.”

“Alright, Spider-Man.” Tony handed him the mask and started to blast off. “Go get 'em.”

“So we fought for a bit, I threw a bomb at him but the blast radius was larger than I expected, and I ended up crashing basically on your doorstep and-“ Tony stopped and stared at May, who was staring at him, grinning and grinning just like Peter. “What?”

She shook her head fondly. “Nothing, just your face.”

He raised an eyebrow. “What about it?”

“You… reminded me of someone.” She sighed and her shoulders fell a little, the smile turning somber. “My husband. He used to, uh, look like that when he was talking about my nephew.”

Tony didn’t miss the use of past tense. Peter’s uncle. He hadn’t heard any mention of the man from the kid, but… something must’ve happened.

His gaze trailed to a framed picture on the wall he’d ignored before. A family of two, a mother Peter was a clone of and a father he shared a smile with. Then another picture, May and presumably her husband, Peter on his shoulders. He was older than the picture before, still smiling, still happy.

“I-“ Tony cut himself off before he could finish, wondering what the hell he was about to say but— to hell with it. “I know what it’s like. To uh… it’s hard. If you… I know I’m not exactly the ideal person, but if you ever need someone to talk to or- or anything…”

May’s lips wobbled but she blinked back tears. “Thanks.”

He glanced at the clock, reading 5:45, and realized Pepper had been waiting for him for over 2 hours and they had 30 minutes left to get ready.

“Got somewhere to be?” May asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Dinner with in-laws.”

“Oh, so you do exist outside the suit.”

“Yes, and I’m honestly surprised by it too.”

She chuckled lightly and pointed behind her at the food they’d just finished cooking, for the dinner Tony was supposed to be at in a few minutes. “Want to take some to go?”

“No, don’t want it to get ruined on the flight back.”

She got up and led him to the door, leaning against the frame as he turned to walk down the stairs. “Iron Man?”

He stopped and looked back at her. “Yea?”

“I know you want to conquer the world and you’re a villain or whatever,” May said flippantly, “but you aren’t… bad, not even close to being evil.”

Tony almost stumbled back in shock. “Oh.”

She nodded. “Just don’t hurt my nephew and I won’t come after you.”

He snorted. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

After recovering from the slightly disorienting battle with the Green Goblin and the embarrassing outburst with Iron Man, Peter managed to clear the area and swing back home, finished helping May get everything ready before slinking back to his room to actually get dressed.

Or at least that was the plan. But it quickly went awry when he shut the door behind him, started to strip, and almost jumped onto the ceiling when someone cleared their throat. Peter immediately dropped into a fighting stance and turned to the person sitting in the corner of his room.

“Who are you?” He asked quietly, trying to determine how long it’d take him to run out grab May and bolt.

“Someone,” they answered, leaning forward a little into the light, reflecting off… an eyepatch. “You are a very difficult person to contact, Spider-Man.”

“Wait. Wait wait wait, you’re that guy. From that one time.”

The man rolled his eye. “Very specific, Parker.”

“F-from yesterday in front of the school. You tried to kidnap me, or something.”

“I’m not in the business of kidnapping kids.”

Peter scoffed. “Could’ve fooled me.”

Eyepatch stared at him for a long time and Peter felt the urge to squirm grow. “Uh, do you want a glass of water or-“

“As much as I’m loathed to admit it,” the man cut in, uncrossing his legs, “the Avengers need you, Spider-Man.”

Peter felt his jaw actually drop. “Oh, uh, wow. Me? Spider-Man? I’m- I'm uh, I’m not-“ Eyepatch held up the familiar cheap red fabric of his mask with the goggles sewn in, only raising an eyebrow. Peter sighed. “But the Avengers? They need me?”

“While it may seem hard to believe, they do.”

The subtle jab flew right over Peter’s head as his excitement grew. “Oh wow! What- what exactly do they need me to do? If it’s taking out some baddie, I’m all for it, except I kind of don’t kill, so I’ll just web him up and-“

The man sighed and shook his head as he stood. “You talk, don’t you?”

Peter shrugged. “So I’ve been told.”

Eyepatch stepped closer to Peter, digging his hands in the pockets of his frankly badass trench coat. “Iron Man is a villain that’s been terrorizing the world since 2008. You can imagine that after 7 years of expensive government buildings getting blown up and equipment going mysteriously missing, anyone would be a bit fed up.” He held out his hand, in the palm of it being what looked like a tiny USB.

“So you want me to… steal his internet browsing history?” Peter asked, tilting his head closer to the device that he could hear silently whirring. “I’ll be honest Mr…”

“Fury.”

“Fury, I don’t know if I want to see that.”

“Goddamn kids,” Fury mumbled under his breath. “I don’t need you to do anything. Just put this in your suit and keep doing your thing. SHIELD and the Avengers will do the heavy lifting.”

“So you want me to spy on him?”

Fury pushed his palm out further. “I want you to help us make the world a better, safer place. Starting with putting a stop to this villain’s goals.”

Villain’s goals. It made it sound like Iron Man was evil, the same ‘villain’ who’d just been cracking lame jokes on a rooftop and catching Peter with the gentlest of grips before he could slam into buildings and helping him fight other, actually evil people. The same ‘villain’ who’d congratulated Peter on the internship and always knew when and where he needed help.

“Mr Fury, I don’t-“

He shoved the device into Peter’s hands. “I don’t have all night, so take it but either way,” he leaned forward and gave Peter a pointed look, “you will be helping us. But decide soon, unlike you I’ve got other shit to handle besides teen angst.”

Peter’s face scrunched at that. “I’m not angsty.”

“Keep denying it Parker, it only makes you look better,” the man stated sarcastically as he made his way to the still opened window. “And there’s a package for you on the bed. Might want to find out who your secret admirer is. And get the lock on this window fixed.”

“Is it from you?”

Fury didn’t answer and climbed out, shutting the glass closed behind him. Peter tossed the USB thing into his desk drawer and went to his bed where, sure enough, a large brown paper bag was sitting on top of the mattress. The words ‘Keep the neighborhood safe’ written on the top. Peter didn’t feel his spidey sense go off, so he started opening it but was stopped as someone knocked on the front door.

Peter let go of the package and made his way to the living room, where Ms Potts and Mr Stark were already chatting animatedly and wow, that was weird. The owner and CEO of a Fortune 500 company, standing in May and Peter’s tiny Queens apartment, about to eat whatever monstrosity his aunt managed to whip up. What a way to end the week, with small talk over surprisingly good spaghetti.

“Did- did you cook this?” Peter asked May hesitantly, looking closer at the noodles for any hint of poison she might’ve accidentally put in for seasoning.

“Yes, I did.”

Peter frowned at her. “I don’t believe you.”

May laughed. “Well, I did have some help…” she trailed off and didn’t finish.

“You know Tony, this tastes just like your mother’s pasta,” Ms Potts added.

Mr Stark raised an eyebrow. “You think? Anyway, May, I was wondering what you’re thoughts are on co-parenting.”

May almost choked on her pasta while Ms Potts shot him an incredulous look. “Co-parenting? Like a kid?”

He nodded. “Yup.”

“I uh,” she shared a look with Pepper, “I think it’s a good idea, keeps both parents involved in the child’s life.”

“Hm mhm, good to know, good to know.”

Mr Stark’s eyes flickered between the two women in a silent conversation Peter didn’t understand, so he kept eating his pasta and imagining what was in the brown paper bag.

As soon as dinner was over and May and Pepper poured over the embarrassing baby photos of Peter that they insisted were adorable while Mr Stark threw in the odd comment or six, Peter raced back to his room to hide away. And also see what the hell was in the package.

He opened it up and pulled out a bundle of bright red synthetic fabric, folded neatly so the first thing he saw was a spider emblem, his spider emblem, placed perfectly in the center, thin black lines shooting out. Peter unfolded it and held it up in front of him, eyes widening.

“Woah,” he breathed, and that was the only accurate description.

It was a suit, a Spider-Man suit, that looked 100 times more expensive and well made than Peter’s homemade suit. He leaned forward on his bed to glance down the hallway and determined the coast was clear, so he tried it on and was… disappointed to find it was baggy.

Really baggy, like how he knew he was going to grow, but geez whoever made this suit had some rather high expectations for Peter’s projected height and weight. He sighed as reached over to grab the bag and stuff the suit back in when another note fell out. Peter picked it up and read ‘Press the spider’.

While he really should be more suspicious of random packages with Spider-Man suits someone broke into his house to deliver with ominous notes left in them, Peter figured if they were planning on planting a bomb or kidnapping him, they would’ve done it already. So he pressed the spider logo on the middle and the suit immediately shrunk, perfectly to size.

“Woah!” He said again, hopping in front of the mirror with the mask in hand and spinning around to get a better look at himself. “This is cool as hell.”

“It’s a good look, Spider-Man.”

Peter spun around and almost crashed into the corner of his desk.

“M-Mr Stark!”

The man smiled. “Don’t even try denying it, kid. I know that’s not just a costume, too expensive to be one.”

Peter pressed the spider emblem in the middle of his chest and started running through his contingency plans, which were:

1) run away and change his name to Ben Reilly

2)???

Not many options, now that he thought about it.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to out your little double life to auntie hottie out there,” Mr Stark said as he let himself into Peter’s room. His gaze flickered from the empty paper bag, then narrowed suspiciously the window before turning back to Peter. “I hope you’re planning on telling her though.”

Peter looked down at his feet, feeling his face burn. “I uh… am just not now.”

“Why not?”

“She just… she can’t know, or else she’ll freak out. And when she freaks out, I freak out and- and I can’t do that to her. Not now, after… after.” He looked up at Mr Stark with pleasing eyes. “Please, Mr Stark.”

Mr Stark shrugged. “Already said I wouldn’t. And we’ve got more important things to discuss.”

“More important things than being Spider-Man?”

“Yes. You.”

Peter scrunched his eyebrows. “I don’t see how I’m more important than,” he gestured to the suit, “this.”

Mr Stark stared at him, hard, for a long time, eyes firmly on Peter’s face. “There wouldn’t be a Spider-Man without Peter Parker. And I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t met you.”

What he said was cliche, but he spoke with such conviction and surety that it was he was saying nothing but the truth that Peter couldn’t help but believe him, even if it made Peter cringe a little. Still, he bit back a smile.

“Aside from all the sentimental stuff,” Mr Stark continued, the ghost of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, “I wanted to know when my favorite intern is finally going to get to work.”

“Aren’t I your only intern?”

Mr Stark waved his hand. “Details details. How does Tuesday after school sound? Half an hour touring, a few hours in the lab, dinner then I have Happy drop you off.”

“Sounds great, amazing, yea Tuesday’s good. Just um… who’s Happy?”

The man bit back a smile and shook his head as he turned to leave. “My lab is always open, just try to stop by the med bay first if you have a knife sticking out of your leg or anything.” He paused at the doorway and glanced over his shoulder. “It really is a good look, Spidey.”

He left, and Peter was still standing there in the middle of his room, the bunched-up suit pooling around his feet in a bundle of cloth, wondering how the hell so much had happened in one night.

Chapter Text

nerdleads: we are no longer friends

Peter rubbed his eyes and blinked a few times at the message. He looked up from his phone that he was hiding under the table at Ned, who was typing away furiously and using his body to block his activities from the teacher at the front of the class.

nerdleads: don’t ever speak to me again

peaterporker: wat’d I do now

nerdleads: you betrayed my trust

nerdleads: our friendship

nerdleads: everything

“Dude,” Peter hissed at Ned.

Michelle shushed him harshly, glaring at him long after and making Peter squirm.

peaterporker: wat are you talking about???

nerdleads: [download image]

Peter sighed and waited for the picture to download and contemplated finally getting a new phone. It finished and showed a picture of Tony and Peter sitting in a booth at KFC, Peter hunched over and ravenously eating in a way that made him cringe in hindsight while Tony leaned back comfortably in his seat. There’s a caption on the photo.

Get you someone that looks at you the way Tony Stark looks at this kid tearing apart chicken (in utter disgust)

Peter sat up.

peaterporker: where did you find this picture

nerdleads: the internet, duh

He gets a notification from someone and the ping thankfully was muffled by Peter’s hand. He turned off the ringer and glanced up at Michelle, who was still staring.

literallytonystark: we still on for that tour today?

literallytonystark: why am I asking like you have something else to do?

literallytonystark: tour today, someone will pick you up after school

literallytonystark: he drives a ROLLS ROYCE and his name is HAPPY HOGAN

literallytonystark: don’t go with anyone else or I’ll hunt you down

peaterporker: your driver’s name is happy???

The teacher called someone’s name, but Peter’s attention was elsewhere.

peaterporker: internship starts today

nerdleads: WAT

nerdleads: WAT

nerdleads: WHY DIDNT YOU START WITH THAT?!?!

peaterporker: you attacked me before I could

nerdleads: it’s official

nerdleads: we’re no longer friends

“Mr Parker.”

Peter looked up and saw his teacher looming over him, a frown plastered firmly on her face as her eyes flicked between Peter and his phone. She held out her hand and he put it in with no protest.

“Detention, one hour after school. Try to pay attention next time.”

Peter was sitting in detention, watching Captain America ramble about vegetables while Michelle sketched him when the driver from the other day burst in, looking distinctly annoyed. He scanned the room before eyeing Peter.

“You,” he pointed at him, “you’re Parker.”

It wasn’t a question so Peter nodded. The man waved him over.

“Don’t make me spend more time than necessary in this wretched place.”

“Um,” Peter fell into step beside the man. “You’re… Happy?”

“Hogan, but just Happy.”

“Just Happy.” The rolls Royce came into view as they stepped out of the school. He hopped into the driver’s seat as Peter jumped in the back seat.

“I’ll pick you up whenever you have internship days,” Happy said flatly as he pulled out of the parking lot. “If you’re not out 5 minutes after the 2:15 I’m driving off.”

Yeesh, harsh. Peter leaned forward in the seat and ran his hand along the fabric, marveling at how nice it was.

“Wow! This car is really nice Happy, how long have you been-“

Peter stopped when he saw the black separator slowly rise from between the seats and he was left staring at nothing. He spent the rest of the silent car ride watching videos of the latest Iron Man sightings, with the most recent being the villain flying frantically away from a flock of pigeons and disappearing behind a building. Peter made sure to like and save the video for later.

The car eventually parked in a large parking garage and he followed Happy into the enormous building to the busy lobby. He spoke briefly to the lady at the desk before turning to Peter.

“Wait here, don’t move, don’t leave, don’t even look around,” the man warned. “You’re going to fill out some papers, I’m going to run a security check on you and then you’ll get your badge. If you loose it, don’t expect to be let past the lobby. Got it?”

Peter nodded, his attention focused on someone carrying an oversized motor on a dolly while Happy rattled off about security checks and making sure no weirdos get in. He didn’t even noticed when the guy left, and Peter was still standing awkwardly in front of the reception desk as the woman typed off without paying him any mind and his backpack still on his back.

If Peter wandered away from his designated waiting spot, meandered to an elevator and decided to climb up the shaft because waiting for an elevator to come would take to long, he’d never admit it.

Jarvis has seen plenty of strange occurrences in his existence. Men turning into rage monsters, women using magic, his creator purchasing strawberries for Ms Potts. But observing this boy, Peter Parker, climb up the walls of the elevator shaft to the penthouse was certainly one of the stranger events.

He simply filed away the footage under the 4P’s Protocol for later review and turned his attention back to where Ms Rushman appeared to be trying to access encrypted files.

The penthouse was ridiculous. Peter climbing the elevator was ridiculous. The fact that he was standing in Tony Stark’s home was so damn ridiculous he wondered if he was still awake or just dreaming this entire week.

“Oh hey just the kid I was looking-“ Mr Stark stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Peter climbing out of the empty elevator shaft. “What the hell.”

“Uh,” Peter looked behind him at the closing doors he’d just pried open with his bare hands. “I can… explain?”

Tony narrowed his eyes, closed them, then pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t even know if I want to hear why you climbed over 100 stories to my penthouse through the elevator shaft.”

“Ok, but-“

“Oh my god.”

“- would you believe me if I told you I didn’t want to be late?” Peter finished.

Mr Stark opened his mouth, closed it, and repeated the action a few times until he gave up. “Yes and I don’t like that I do.”

Peter beamed. “Great! I’m on time too.”

“Because you breached security.”

He shrugged as he stared at the apartment. “I was with Happy.”

“Did you even get a badge? I bet you didn’t, no you definitely didn’t if you had to climb the elevator shaft to get here. Oh my god he’s going to blow a gasket when he finds out.”

Peter smiled sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“Whatever kid,” Mr Stark said with a tired wave of his hand. “Let’s do this tour so we can actually do the fun shit. And don’t ogle too much, it makes me anxious. I already got a heart problem don’t provoke it more than you do when I see you Spider-Manning in the news.”

“I think you do a good enough job of that yourself Mr Stark.”

That earned him a flick to the forehead.

And so the tour began and it was amazing. The penthouse itself was spectacular and so expensive it made Peter’s wallet in his back pocket feel scarily empty (which it was, only filled with 4 dollar bills but he had an excuse. Mr Stark’s apartment on the other hand was just excessive, but subtly).

“Is it supposed to be making that noise?” Peter asked, pointing to the coffee machine that was whirring and creaking ominously.

“Oh yea, it’s playing Jingle Bell Rock.”

“On repeat?”

“Yup.”

Peter frowned at it and thought he saw smoke. “Are you going to… fix it?”

Tony stared at it before slapping the thing. “Don’t wanna.”

But the best part was the lab.

Literally state of the art technology, and incredibly spacious layout, gadgets and gizmos a plenty.

“Who’s it’s and what’s it’s, galore,” Peter sang as he reached over to poke at a project before Mr Stark batted his hand away.

“If you wanna keep your fingers,” he wiggled the digits, “keep them away from this shit. Don’t want your aunt skewering me when you go back home with one less finger.”

“I’ll try but Mr Stark, this place is…” Peter shook his head and grinned. “It’s breathtaking.”

Mr Stark didn’t say anything for a beat but eventually grinned contentedly. “Geez, your an even bigger nerd than me. But I’m happy you like it.”

“How could I not? This is all…” Peter sighed dreamily. He swayed from place to place, leaning in closer to all of Mr Stark’s projects as the man rambled in the background.

All of the projects are beyond interesting, but there was something that looked like a boot sitting on one of the tables that caught Peter’s eye. The rough skeleton of a boot, with wires and parts sticking out from all angles. The shape and design was familiar, and if Peter imagined gold titanium alloy plating on the outside painted in red and gold-

Something was placed on his head and smushed down his hair.

“That’s for you,” Mr Stark said, holding up his phone and snapping a photo.

Peter took the thing off and saw it was a white party hat with the word ‘DUNCE’ written on it.

“What for? I haven’t done anything.”

“Sneaking past security is not doing anything?”

Peter breathed in to speak before slumping forward. “They were taking a long time, and I promised not to be late.”

“You really just love making me repeat myself.” Mr Stark waved his hand in front of Peter until he looked up and smiled. “Eyes up here. I don’t care if you’re late, Peter. I’m just glad that you’re here.”

Peter felt his face heat up and anxiously adjusted the cap. “I-I’m glad to be here, thanks again-“

Mr Stark slapped his hands over his face and groaned loudly. “No more thanks or I will actually set something on fire.”

Peter grinned. “No more thanks, or apologies.”

Mr Stark’s mock annoyance melted into fondness that Peter didn’t know what to do with. “Now your getting the hang of it. Anyway, this place is your playground, your zen garden, whatever. I’ve only got two rules: don’t create murderous A.I. that go rogue and just make sure nothing-“

A startling crashing sound rang out, sending Peter flying from his seat as his spidey sense flares and Mr Stark pointing his hand off in the distance, palm opened.

“It appears the coffee machine has exploded, sir,” a voice from above that was probably god said. “Again.”

Peter watched Mr Stark heave a breath before flipping his palm towards his face and scoffing at himself. He glanced at Peter and shrugged. “Mishaps.”

“That sounded like more than a mishap.”

“It may or may not be, but this is a perfect time to transition into lab safety which you are definitely not following.”

Peter made a face and looked at DUM-E, who beeped at him, before turning back to Mr Stark. “I just saw you open a bag of chips over expensive electronics and throw an engine across the room like a basketball.”

“Yes but,” Tony gestured to his shirt with a smug grin that screamed ‘I win’, “I’m not wearing a long sleeve shirt with loose sleeves, am I?”

The door to the lab slid opened and a mildly frustrated red headed woman stumbled in, annoyance clear on her face.

“Sir, your-“

“I know it broke-“ Mr Stark said waving his hand. “Hey have you met Peter? Peter this is Natalie Rushman, PA. He’s my new intern-“

“I have. Your coffee machine exploded and blew a hole in one of your walls.”

Mr Stark spun around on his heel while Peter was trying to figure out where they’d met and why she was so familiar. “Seriously?” She nodded and he threw his hands up in exasperation as he marched out the lab, Peter following close behind. “Why’d didn’t you lead with that?!”

“I was going to but you cut me off.”

“Then speak faster.”

Ms Rushman shared a look with Peter that he totally got. She sighed. “I’ll make note.”

Sure enough, there was a nice big hole in one of the walls, where a pleasant breeze was airing in through and Peter could see the sky starting to deepen into a shade of orange.

“It’s kind of nice,” Peter remarked with a grin. “Like a skylight.”

“Yes right in the middle of my kitchen on the top floor of this over 50 story building.”

Peter sighed contentedly. “Yea.”

A bird flew in and made itself comfortable on Mr Stark’s couch. The man took a deep breath and ran a hand down his face and sent Ms Rushman to get wooden planks from Happy while he and Peter dug around for tools.

“Do you seriously not have a hammer?” Peter asked as he picked up another screwdriver and tossed it behind him in frustration.

“I was hoping I’d still have one, but I tossed most of them out.”

“Why?”

Mr Stark shuddered. “Negative emotions associated with the word, and my doctor said to stay away from things that make me unrestrainedly angry and anything associated with Hammer or Justin does that.” Mr Stark mumbled something that sounded like a string of curses before frowning. “What’s taking Rushman so long? I sent her to get wood, not government secrets…”

Peter’s gaze fell back on the hole in the wall, giving him flashes of a refrigerator lodged in drywall and concrete. “Maybe it’s not such a bad thing. I could like, swing in whenever-“

Another bird flew in, landed on the 100inch flat screen TV and left soon after with white dripping down the previously clean black screen.

“The pizza delivery man is currently waiting in the lobby sir,” god announced.

“Yea no,” Mr Stark said as he stood and stretched. “I’m closing this hole and never attempting to make another automated coffee maker that triples as a panic button and karaoke machine.”

“What would be the purpose of that?”

“Trust me kid, you never know when you’ll need all three at once, and the day you do is the day your former mentor rips out your heart. But hey, we got a pizza to pick up so come on, up and at em.”

Peter got to his feet and walked beside Mr Stark to the elevator. “That was... kind of heavy, Mr Stark.”

Mr Stark crossed his arms, sniffed, and looked away in that habit that Peter was quickly recognizing was his way of avoiding dealing with emotions. Even if he kind of wears them on his sleeve.

“What time is it?”

“Uh,” Peter glanced at his watch, “6:23?”

“No I mean what time is it?”

Peter furrowed his eyebrows. “… pizza time?”

Mr Stark snapped. “Exactly, pizza time. Not unload your trauma on your teenage intern time. So don’t worry about it, unless a shadowy figure from my past comes back to haunt me and puts you in the line of fire. But yea, I’m ok, I’m fine, don’t worry about it.”

Peter huffed and turned his gaze to the floor. He already was worrying about it, worrying about Mr Stark. Even if the man was more than triple Peter’s age and certainly seemed like he’d gotten his act together in recent years. But it was like that thing Ben used to say all the time.

“I want to worry because… I- I want you to not.” He listened to their breathing in the small elevator for a beat before continuing. “I want you to be more than ok, Mr Stark. You’ve got a life and… you shouldn’t waste it.”

Mr Stark’s eyes widened and for a dreadful second, Peter thought ‘shit I said the wrong thing’. But his arms fell opened, one wrapping lightly around Peter’s shoulders and pulling him a little closer to his side.

“I have a feeling I will be,” the man mumbled quietly. The smile in his voice was infectious.

“Maybe… pizza time could double as unloading trauma onto your teenage intern time too?” Peter snarked lightly as the elevator continued to go down floors.

Mr Stark rolled his eyes. “Why don’t we limit how much you traumatize me every night? I’ve already got issues and I have a feeling youbeing a superhero is only going to add to that.”

“Your only issue is that you don’t like pineapple on pizza.”

“And I’m saying pineapple on pizza is literally unholy. It’s a disgrace to all Italians, so you're disgracing me, spitting on my grave.”

Peter rolled his eyes. “You are still very much alive, Mr Stark. Unless I’m that kid and you’re Bruce Willis from that super old movie…” his gaze floated to a door with a red knob and he gasped. “Oh my god, can I see dead people-“

“No no no,” Mr Stark slapped a hand over Peter’s mouth as he started to giggle. “No pop culture references out of you. And seriously? The Sixth Sense is not super old, I saw it in theaters.”

“Yea when you were like 20, so a million years ago.”

Mr Stark rolled his eyes as the elevator doors opened and they stepped out. “At least I’m not a toddler.”

“I’m not a kid-“ Peter’s mouth snapped close as the hair on his neck stood on their ends. His spidey sense ached and screamed dangerdanger, but the only other person in the lobby was the pizza guy handing the food to the billionaire. Peter gulped hard. “Mr Stark.”

“Thanks,” he said, handing the pizza guy the money in exchange for the food. His phone buzzed incessantly as he turned to Peter and raised an eyebrow. “What’s wrong ki-“

Mr Stark slumped forward and fell to the ground in an instant, a needle sticking out of his neck.

“Well, shit.”

Just as Peter moved to spring forward, he felt a sharp prick on his own neck. He reached up and yanked the needle out, frowning at it and glaring at the pizza man who looked startled.

“You really think this is enough to take me down?” Peter scoffed. “It’s going to take a lot more than that to-“

A few more pricks in a split second and the world started spinning dangerously. Peter pulled out four more needles and tried to blink away the haze.

“‘Sill no’h goo’ nough,” he slurred, stumbling forward. He was Spider-Man after all, it’s not like a little sedative was going to keep him-

The pizza guy pushed him lightly and Peter fell unconscious before his dunce cap even hit the ground.

Chapter Text

“Ew.”

That was a fitting and reasonable reaction to waking up chained up to a wall with Justin Hammer standing in the middle of the room between Tony and Peter.

Hammer turned around to face Tony, looking surprised the man was up. “Oh, hey Tony. You’re awake.”

“No shit, why the hell are you here?” He peered behind the man and saw Peter grinning at him, waving. “Why the hell is he here?”

“Well you see-“

“Listen,” Tony squeezed his eyes shut to try and get rid of his headache, “I’ve done this whole routine like a hundred times already. I’m not building you anything, I’m not giving up any blueprints, I’m not doing anything for you, ok? So I'm just waiting here until Rhodey or whoever rescues me and- how the hell did you get out of prison?”

Hammer smirked. “You see-“

“I’ll find out later. Hey kid, how are you feeling?”

The kid looked alright, besides being a little paler than usual, but that wasn’t anything Tony couldn’t fix.

“I’m good Mr Stark. Still drugged though.”

“Is that why…” Tony gestured to his own hands, tied up above him.

Peter tugged at his restraints but they didn’t budge. “Yea, think it'll wear off soon.”

“Ok, that’s good.”

“Uh Tony,” Hammer started, adjusting his cheap suit, “I think we should maybe discuss why you’re here-“

“Mr Stark, who is this guy?” Peter asked, glancing between Justin who was monologuing about something with a 24-hour time limit and some weapon, and Tony.

“Shadowy figure from my past. With shadowy being a stretch. Remember the 2010 Stark Expo?”

“The one that got all explodey?”

“Yea that one.”

Peter smirked. “I guess you could say it was a blast-“

“I’m going to stop you there, and we’re both going to pretend like we didn’t hear that.”

Hammer cleared his throat loudly. “Hello? I’m speaking here.”

“Anyway,” Tony continued, “the drone attack, this guy caused that because he’s an idiot and listened to some crazy Russian guy who had it out for me.”

“Hey I’m not an idiot, Vanko was convincing,” Hammer interjected before Peter barreled on.

“Oh, yea the drones. One of them tried to kill me.”

Tony blanched. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Uh, I maybe might’ve tried to fight one, threw a trash can lid at it like Captain America. So the thing locked on and was going to shoot me but then bam!” Peter made an explosion sound effect. “It just randomly blew up! Crazy right?”

Crazy considering the drone didn’t just self-destruct, but Tony in a suit in stealth mode destroyed it before he could have a kid’s death on his consciousness. And now said kid was sitting across from him, kidnapped, a week after Tony himself kidnapped him. Lovely.

“So,” Peter continued like he didn’t just flip Tony’s world upside down, “you like foreshadowed us getting kidnapped earlier.”

“What can I say, I’m clairvoyant.”

“Then why didn’t you stop the coffee machine from blowing up?”

“There are many possible futures, I’m only able to see one.”

“Kind of a lame power.”

“Yea because hairy fingers are so much cooler.”

“My fingers aren’t hairy!”

“Then what are they?”

“Th-they’re little barbed-“

“Are either of you listening?” Hammer huffed, crossing his arms.

“No,” Tony and Peter responded in unison. Tony bit back a proud grin and instead winked at the kid before addressing their kidnapper. “I got the gist of it though.”

Hammer frowned. “You did?”

Tony nodded confidently. “Yea yea. Got it. Get out of here.”

“You’ve got 24 hours,” Hammer repeated for what felt like the millionth time. “Or I’ll uh, have them beat up the kid, or something. Yeah, that sounds good. Well not good but-“

“Dude,” Peter interrupted, looking physically pained by the lengthy speech, “just leave.”

“Uh ok ok, I’ll send my henchpeople to watch you, you know so you don’t escape or anything. Yea. Ok,” he started walking out the door before turning around one more time and saying “24 hours,” and finally, finally left.

Tony waited a few minutes before scooting as close to Peter as he could while chained to the wall. “Ok Underoos, really important question.”

Peter pinched his eyebrows before he mimicked Tony’s movements and nodded. “Yea, what is it, Mr Stark?”

“Really going to need you to wrack your brain for this one, ok?”

“Ok, ok, yea wracking my brain. Brain has been wracked, fully searched, every nook and cranny, all of the little wrinkles explored. Wracked.”

Kidnapped teenager, Tony, he’s nervous, be understanding. “Did you catch anything Hammer said?”

Peter blinked. Swallowed. Opened his mouth and closed it. Repeated all actions at least three times before he spoke. “As in heard.”

Tony nodded. “As in heard.”

“What if I say no? Can I say no?”

“Oh my god.” Tony leaned his head back, looked back at Peter before turning back up at the ceiling. “Oh my god.”

“The monologue was directed at you! You’re the one he was intending on kidnapping.”

“Ok yes, valid point, but you’ve got super hearing. And I didn’t care enough about what he was saying to listen.”

“Me neither.” Peter frowned nervously. “Should I have?”

Tony sighed and shook his head. “No don’t worry about it, we’ll get out anyway.”

“Oh good, I didn’t want to get beat up and be used as leverage.”

“You really think I’d let him lay a finger on you?” Tony asked. Honestly, Hammer even knowing Peter existed, let alone breathing the same air as the kid made Tony nauseous.

“No, I’m not worried about myself, I can take it. It’s just…” Peter chewed on his lip and looked away for a second. “Are you ok?”

Tony raised an eyebrow. “I should be asking you that. How are you?” It’s a question with a question, but Tony hoped Peter didn't know him well enough to pick up on it. Or maybe he did.

“Oh, I’m fine. I mean, yea I got kidnapped which sucks but…” he trailed off and grinned a little, “I’m with you, so I know everything will turn out swell.”

Tony’s heart stuttered. The kid, this kid, he put way too much trust in Tony and he doesn’t know if he can protect him as much as he wants to, as well as he wants to. But Peter was looking at him with so much faith Tony threw logic out the window. It wasn’t a matter of wanting to but having to, needing to keep Peter safe. And alive.

“And I uh,” Peter shifted, “I just wanted to know how you were.”

Tony sniffed and looked away. “I’m alright. This isn’t my first rodeo.”

“I know, that’s why I asked.”

That’s it, I’m naming a building after this kid. “I was doing alright, but then you said swell and I started wishing I’d been kidnapped alone. Not that I already wasn’t wishing that from the start.”

“Aw, I thought I was good company.”

“Being good company and getting kidnapped do not go hand in hand.”

“Maybe not, but our current plan is just waiting around, and maybe if Mr Arm & Hammer comes back in I can convince him to let me go.”

“So you’re planning on winning the heart of a kidnapper by talking his ear off. That’s your backup plan.”

“…Um, yes?”

He’s just a teen who’s only ever been kidnapped by, well, Tony. And it kind of worked on Iron Man, didn’t it?

(‘Because’, he could hear Pepper say with a grin, ‘you're a softie.’)

“God, I am.”

“You’re what? Iron Man?”

Tony shook his head, glad the pain was almost gone. “Nothing I was just-“

What.

He looked at Peter, whose gaze started as assessing until he made eye contact. And the world’s most shit-eating grin, fitting for the world’s biggest shithead, spread across the kid’s face.

“No.”

“Oh, man-“

“No no.”

“You are!” Peter yelled out happily, throwing his head back laughing. “No way!”

Oh my god, why? “I never said I was.”

“You so obviously are.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.” Peter paused and narrowed his eyes. “Don’t try to distract me, you are Iron Man and I can’t believe I didn’t notice before.”

Tony really really wished his hands were untied so he could rub his eyes. “If you were hypothetically correct-“

“Which I am.”

“-what would give you that idea?”

Peter rocked his head side to side and shrugged. “That prototype boot in your lab, your little pose thing, you always know where I am,” he paused and smiled fondly, “Underoos.”

Tony clicked his tongue in annoyance. But it wasn’t annoyance, he didn't feel even the slightest bit of frustration or fear about his villainous secret getting out. Instead, it’s something warm in his chest that made him smile. Grossly sentimental, yikes.

“Cat’s out of the bag.”

“Or man is out of the tin can?”

“Please stop with your jokes, they aren’t funny.”

“Don’t lie to yourself, Mr Stark.”

“I’m not, they aren’t. You’re traumatizing me.”

Peter perked up. “Oh! Is it time?”

Tony made a face and raised an eyebrow. “Time for what?”

“You know.”

“I don’t.”

“Ugh.” Peter gestured with his chained hands. “Unloading trauma on your teen.”

Tony almost choked on air. His teen? It seemingly slipped out unconsciously because Peter hardly even noticed what he said. Tony wasn’t going to correct him either, especially since there was nothing to correct.

“Ok. A, l am not unloading my trauma on you. That’s for me and my nonexistent therapist Pepper keeps bugging to see, it’s not something you need to concern yourself with.”

“Yea but-“

“Uh uh, no buts. You shouldn’t be stressing over my shit.”

“But you stress over mine.”

“Yea. That’s what paren- adults,” he quickly corrected, “do. Which brings me to B, only adults are allowed to be villains, so throw out any plans you had of taking over the world.”

“I wasn’t planning on it, but why is there an age requirement on villainy but not heroism?”

“Because I said so.”

“That’s stupid.”

“It is but tell me when you stop Nick Fury from breaking into your house and installing a bug in your suit. I’ll induct you into the supervillain hall of fame then.”

Peter’s jaw dropped opened comically. “Nick- how do you- he put a bug in my suit?!”

“See you didn’t even know. Yes, he did, but don’t worry, I had the suit’s AI zap it and the drone I planted outside your window destroy the one he handed you that you threw in your desk with an EMP. So you’re bug-free.”

Peter shook his head, paused, then shook his head again in utter disbelief. “That’s- that’s so much. You made my suit, you put a drone outside my window, my- my suit has an AI?!”

“Yea but it’s not dumping exposition time, is it? Hurry up, your time is ticking.”

“Fine fine, I’ll interrogate you about that later, but like, why?”

“Why what?”

“Why are you a villain? A secret supervillain. Like, what’s your MO?”

Loaded question. Tony was still going to answer. “It’s like that thing you said, helping people when you’ve got the power to. Responsibility. I made that first suit in a cave with scraps. I made it for myself, and for… my friend. But I made it out, alone, and I couldn’t go back to before knowing what I knew, so I didn’t. I instead rejected a superhero boy band invitation, might’ve taken down some Nazis masquerading as a government agency as my hit single, and decided to name my solo album ‘The government hates me but at least I didn’t blow up a city, so kiss my ass’.  And I found that — for some odd reason — I didn’t like the rival superhero idol group.

“Well,” he paused and winked at Peter, “I didn’t like most of them.”

Peter’s ears turned red. “So do you actually want to take over the world?”

Tony shrugged. “Honestly? No. I barely even run my own company and it’s already too much work for my liking.”

“I think Ms Potts would do most of the world-ruling if you did.”

“Hm, your right. Empress Potts does have a nice ring to it…”

“But…” Peter furrowed his eyebrows, “why do you always say you want to? Take over the world and all that. And destroy property?”

“I can do whatever I want when I’m a villain, it’s not like people will hate me any more than they already do.”

“Not everyone hates you…” Peter mumbled, turning his gaze away for a second.

Tony smiled. “Then I’m not doing my job right. And I only destroy government property, because they deserve it.”

“Yea but… you don’t have to. You know, be a villain or anything. You could be good, you already are.”

“I think the entire city of New York and the U.S. government and your coworkers would beg to differ.”

“So what if they do? You’re not evil, Mr Stark, I know you aren’t.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Because! Because you fight bad guys in the government and helped me fight the Green Goblin and gave me a ride home when you could’ve… could’ve done worse if you were bad. You help my aunt cook dinner and take me to KFC and fly away from pigeons instead of blasting them away. You fight the Avengers but never do enough damage to seriously harm anyone. You donate to charities and start charities and do so much, you’re…” Peter was practically panting by the end of his rant. “You have good intentions, Mr Stark.”

“I only met you because I kidnapped you after fighting the Avengers,” Tony pointed out. “That hardly constitutes as having good intentions.”

“Maybe but, but everyone messes up sometimes. Anyone can change.” Peter looked him straight in the eyes and grinned. “You’re already a hero, Mr Stark. Maybe only to me but-“

“But that’s enough,” Tony interrupted, trying hard to keep his voice steady because god this kid knew how to move people. “Ugh, I can’t be a hero kid.”

Peter frowned. “Why not?”

He smirked. “If I’m not, then your arch enemy will have to be that Jimmy Fallon impersonator.”

Peter’s face turned bright red. Mission successful. “I- he’s not my- no way!”

“Well, he is the only one who’s bested you in battle, so…”

“Ok but that’s coming from the guy whose villain origin story is founded on YOLO.”

“This conversation was going so well, so moving and beautiful, then you just had to dump in the damn YOLO and flush it down the drain.”

“YOLO, Mr Stark Iron Man Sir.”

Tony groaned and threw his head back. “I’ve never wished to be anywhere else more in my life than now. Besides those few months, I spent in a cave. Or that time I got held hostage in Florida. Or that other time I was trapped in a shawarma shop with Cap.”

“You’ve been to Florida?! Have you gone to Disney!?”

“I just gave you all that information and you’re asking me if I’ve been to Disney?”

Peter shrugged. “Priorities, Mr Stark.”

The death of me . “Yes I have, but not on that excursion. I was too busy trying to not be forced to make weapons… again.” He narrowed his eyes. “That’s happened way too often to be a coincidence.”

“YOLO, Mr Stark.”

“Say that one more time and I will never speak to you again.”

“Never is a long time.”

“You know what’s taking a long time? Drugs.”

“That was a terrible way of phrasing that.”

“Yea it was. The drugs in your system. They out yet or…”

“Oh.” Peter tugged once on his restraints and they snapped easily. “Yea.”

Tony pinched his lips together. “How long has it been since they left your system?”

Peter at least had the decency to look sheepish as he answered. “Maybe since the big reveal?”

“…just get me out of these things.”

“Yea ok- uh ok on it.”

Once the shackles were finally off, Peter helped Tony to his feet and they moved to leave the room.

“Wait,” Tony said, putting a hand on the kid’s shoulder to stop him. “We need a plan.”

“I thought it was to go in and start blasting. You know,” Peter held out his palm and made a sound effect that sounded eerily similar to the whine of the repulsor. “Bam! And then we’re out!”

“And this is why I’m the adult and successful villain and you are not.”

“I don’t know about successful…”

“Adult speaking. I’m going out first, I’ll make sure the coast is clear, then I’ll call you or and I’ll lead us out of here-“

Peter didn’t even wait to kick down the door and sprint out of the room to start fighting Hammer’s henchpeople.

“I’m going to kill him.”

Peter, unsurprisingly, was able to handle it and knocked all of the grunts unconscious in a few minutes while barely breaking a sweat.

“Handled!” Peter announced as he jogged back to where Tony was hacking into a phone he’d picked off one of the guys and was contacting people.

“No not ‘handled’. I was telling you the plan, why would you just run in guns a blazing when you’ve got no idea what’s on the other side?!”

“Because I’m Spider-Man?”

“‘Because I’m Spider-Man’. You are blowing my mind right now.”

“The plan worked.”

“And you are so lucky it did because if it didn’t-“

A hole in the wall behind them was suddenly blown open, two figures walking through, one wearing a pantsuit that was distinctly Pepper’s and the other a skin-tight black leather outfit. Upon closer inspection, it turned out it was Pepper and Natalie Rushman, strangely enough.

The only issue with the sight in front of him besides the fact that they were still in the kidnappers' hideout was that Pepper was wearing the blue gauntlets of the prototype suit Tony was still putting together and Rushman was not Rushman but Black Widow and had a completely different face to the one Tony was used to seeing.

He pointed at his PA. “You look different, did you get something done? New haircut or-“

“Anthony Edward Stark.”

Shit. Tony knew that tone, Pepper’s trademark ‘I am so going to murder you when we get home’ tone. He swallowed hard and smiled. “Yes, honey?”

Pepper crossed her arms, blue gauntlets gleaming brightly against the white of her suit. “We need to talk.”

Tony glanced at Peter, eyes begging the boy to help him, but the kid just shrugged.

“YOLO,” he whispered with the smuggest smile Tony had ever seen and slid further back.

He finally turned back to Pepper, resigned to his fate. “Can it wait until we get home?”

“No.”

Chapter Text

Happy tried not to answer his phone at ridiculous, ungodly hours of the morning. A, because he knew it was Tony. B, he didn’t want to encourage and reinforce that behavior. C, he liked sleeping, sue him. But like all important calls, this one was forced through after the hundredth ring and Jarvis’s voice rang through the speaker.

“Mr Hogan.”

“Jesus Christ!” Happy shouted as he bolted upright in bed. “Sweet-“

“This is an emergency, Mr Stark has been kidnapped.”

“-Mary mother of… what? What!?”

“Mr Stark and his intern have been kidnapped and require immediate assistance,” Jarvis repeated evenly, but with urgency.

“What the hell?! How the-“ Happy threw on whatever clothes he had lying around and grabbed his phone off the nightstand before he sprinted out the apartment. “Alright you need to call… call uh, call Rhodey and Pepper and-“

“Both have been contacted, though Ms Potts seems to be preoccupied and has not responded to my numerous messages.”

Happy ran a hand down his face and practiced the breathing techniques he saw in that one mediation video he’d been trying. In for 7 seconds, out for 8. In 7, out 8, 7, 8, 7-“

“What the goddamn shit hell hole traffic is this!?” He slammed his hand on the horn and leaned out the window to scream, “get moving assholes!”

“You seem to be a bit overwhelmed Mr Hogan.”

“Yea ya think?! Damn, do all of you bots got the same sense of humor as the boss?”

“Yes,” Jarvis replied dryly. “I recommend we call for backup. Shall I do so?”

Happy tapped his fingers against the steering wheel before smashing the horn again. “Have they been through the security check?”

“…no.”

Happy was half tempted to say ‘I don’t know about this’, but he instead said, “go ahead. Tony’s going to kill me either way.”

“I assure you Mr Stark has no intention of ending your life, Mr Hogan, but perhaps he will lightly maim you.”

“Reasonable.” Happy frowned at his GPS taking him to a location he’d never to before, somewhere in Queens. “Where the hell am I heading?”

“A rendezvous point.”

“You have got to be kidding me.”

Peter squinted at the tire. “Is it-“

“Flat, yes.” Mr Stark leaned his head back at the sky and breathed deeply. “What is my life?”

The car was parked outside the warehouse they’d been kept in, which wasn’t even that far outside the city. But the universe must have hated them because the tire had been torn by a stray nail and was completely flat.

Ms Potts poked her head out of the driver’s side window and frowned at Mr Stark. “We will leave you behind if you don’t get in now.”

“You’d leave the kid?”

“I said we, and we includes Mr Parker.” Her gaze softened as she looked at Peter and smiled and wow she was even more gorgeous than on TV. “Peter, is it?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Just Pepper’s fine but I appreciate the manners. It’s more than some people,” she glared at Mr Stark, “have.”

Mr Stark rolled his eyes. “I have wonderful manners, I could charm a snail with a stick.”

Peter scrunched his nose. “That’s a weird metaphor.”

“That’s subjective and I don’t appreciate the hate. Kid, I thought we were on the same side.”

“You are a supervillain.”

Mr Stark waved his hand. “Potato pohtahtoh. Plausible deniability, I never said outright I was Iron Man. Which,” he shot a pointed glare at Ms Rushman Widow who was busy messing with something around her neck, “I am not.”

“Never said or implied you were,” she responded with a wry smile. “But you just did.”

“No the kid did and don’t tell him I told you this, but he’s not the most reliable narrator.”

Peter stumbled back. “Hey!”

Mr Stark shrugged. “It’s true. Also, why is no one concerned about that?” he finished, pointing at Ms Rushman’s face which was… glitching?

“Oh, forgot about this.” She then proceeded to peel her face off.

“OH MY GOD!” Pepper screamed from the car while Mr Stark yelped and Peter watched in mild fascination and horror as her appearance completely changed.

When she was done, she held up a strange clear sheet-looking thing and grinned. “Ta da.”

“Tony, Tony!” Pepper shouted.

“I know, I know!” Mr Stark replied loudly. He blinked away the brief outburst and replaced it with curiosity. He moved towards her, eyes scanning the mesh in her hands and Peter could practically see the gears turning in his brain, picking it apart and figuring out how it worked. “That’s a photostatic veil.”

“Nano mask,” Ms Rushman Widow replied.

He waved his hand and reached out to grab the mask. “Potato pohtahtoh. This is pretty rudimentary tech, but incredibly useful, I mean nano-sized holographic cells that can mimic-“

She moved it away before he could touch it and gestured to the flat tire. “Isn’t there something else you should be doing?”

“Threatening you to keep my secret?”

“What secret?”

They had a stare-off that lasted an uncomfortably long amount of time before Mr Stark waved Peter over and they crouched by the flat. Ms Rushman Widow turned back to her mesh thing and started messing with it while Pepper typed furiously away at her phone.

“I don’t trust her,” Mr Stark whispered as he grabbed the wrench and jack out of the trunk and had Peter lift the spare tire.

“I kind of do,” Peter mumbled.

“And that,” he pointed at Peter with the wrench, “is why you keep getting snatched, kid. You’ve gotta have more walls.”

“That… sounds unhealthy.”

“So does being a superhero but you don’t see me judging for you’re not very smart or safe choices.”

“That’s exactly what you just did.”

Mr Stark gasped dramatically. “Is it?! I didn’t notice!”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Do you know what you’re doing?”

That was the wrong question to ask because Mr Stark slowly put down the tool and looked at Peter seriously. "You're asking me, inventor of the Iron Man armor which, might I remind you, the prototype was built out of scraps in a dusty cave in Afghanistan while I was reeling from being awake during open-heart surgery and hooked up to a car battery."

"What!?”

"My father taught me, my father's father taught him and while I'm not exactly fond of my old man, he was kind of a genius when it came to stuff like this. And now I'm teaching you. So trust me when I tell you," Mr Stark continued, completely ignoring Peter's justified shock over what he just said, "I know what I'm doing."

"Tony, please tell me you are not traumatizing that poor boy," Pepper groaned from inside the car.

"Not at all Pep, just regaling him with my tales of suspense in the Middle East."

"Oh, so you are. Lovely. Is that why you dragged him with you to Justin Hammer's dirty basement?"

Mr Stark scoffed and got up, ambling to the rolled-down window. "I did not drag him, the kidnapper did."

"And please, pray tell, what were you thinking when you invited Peter to the tower?"

“I was thinking that I’d give this kid an internship, the one you insisted on and, you know, show him the ropes.”

“The ropes of what, joining the Super Evil Six, whatever they’re called, or getting himself nearly killed on a daily basis while trying to blow up government property?”

“Well you know I was kind of going for the latter but now that you say it out loud-“ Mr Stark paused, opened and closed his mouth a few times. “You know about all that?”

She waved her hands, still in the blue gauntlets. “Honey I’ve always known. I know everything.”

And in a moment of deja vu, or maybe things coming full circle Peter didn’t know he wasn’t a literary expert, Mr Stark said, “Could you maybe… forget?”

Pepper rolled her eyes, fondly so at least Mr Stark would live through the car ride back to the tower. “No.”

“But… that was supposed to be your Christmas gift.”

“Tony, it’s mid-May.”

"Oh so now you're attacking me for preparing early?”

“Yes, I am! Because every year you wake me up at 1 am on the 23rd and drag me shopping for random-“

Peter tuned them out as he got to work. His spidey sense told him Ms Rushman Widow was approaching, so he shuffled over and made room for her as he took off the tire.

“You know what you’re doing here?” She asked gently.

“For the most part. I’m not the most mechanically gifted but-“ he unscrewed a lugnut and grinned, “I think I’ve got the basics.”

“Won’t hurt if I help?”

“Oh no, of course not Ms Rushman Widow.”

“Natasha Romanoff.” She held out her hand. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Spidey.”

(“It’s not random,” Mr Stark continued, “I have a very detailed list that I-“

“That you don’t even stick to! And then you return half the things you buy-“)

Peter’s eyes widened as he took her hand and shook it. “You- you know?!”

She hummed and fell silent for a bit as they worked. “I’ve known for a while. You aren’t exactly a master of keeping secrets.”

“So I’ve found,” Peter mumbled before shaking his head and sobering. “Uh, I know your a super spy and everything and your job is to take down villains like-“ he bit his lip, “like Iron Man, but- but he’s not as bad as he seems and I promise you he’s not evil. Maybe just, I don’t know, like chaotic? Or something? But he’s not bad at all and-“

“Peter,” she interrupted, putting a hand on top of his. “It’s ok.”

“Yea but-“

“Iron Man’s identity is still unknown,” she finished, expression unreadable. “There isn’t enough proof to incriminate any of the people SHIELD suspects. And even if there was, let’s say hard evidence in the form of” she gestured to the gauntlets, “weapons, well… plausible deniability.”

Peter couldn’t help but bite his lip to try and fail to hide his smile. “Thank you, Ms- Natasha.”

(“I donate them to a good cause.”

“What good cause needs a $13,000 electric toothbrush?!”

“The Boy Scouts of America!”)

“Don’t thank me, I haven’t done anything. Oh and,” she winked at him, “you’re secret is safe with me.”

She left as soon as the tire was in place, and it took Peter an embarrassingly long time to realize he didn’t even freak out over the right thing.

“So my nephew and Tony Stark have been kidnapped, and his AI contacted you, Col. Rhodes and another unknown person for a rescue effort and brought you all here.” May set down the coffee in front of the two before taking a seat across from them. “Is that correct?”

“It is,” Happy sighed, checking his watch and constantly tapping in his phone screen so it didn’t turn off.

“You know you could just set it to never turn off, right?” Rhodey asked as he took a sip.

“Listen I didn’t go to MIT, I don’t know all that nonsense about tech, ok?”

“All you’ve gotta do is go to settings and-“

“Hello?” May cut in, tapping on the table. “Kidnapping. Stay on task, yea?”

“I’m sorry but how does your nephew know Tony?” Rhodes asked.

“He’s his intern. Today was his first day, or it was supposed to be…”

Rhodey raises and eyebrow and turned to Happy. “Tony doesn’t take interns. Especially not teen interns.”

“He does now, apparently,” Happy grumbled. “Teen interns who are security threats.”

“What’d you just say about my nephew?” May questioned, tone dangerous.

“Uh, nothing.”

“No no, I want to hear-“

A knock at the door cut off the brewing conflict (or scathing attack on Happy). May sighed, shot Happy a fiery glare, and got up to answer.

“What the shit.”

Tony was forced to sit in the backseat, next to Natalie- Natasha- whatever because Pepper was mad at him. Which ok, yea, his fault he’ll admit that maybe keeping that he’s a super villain from her wasn’t the best idea.

And yea, getting kidnapped alongside a teenage superhero he’d previously fought while getting pizza wasn’t the ideal situation for all this to come to light. But Tony deserved a slight pass since he was having a stressful night.

At least Pepper let up a little. Instead of arguing with him, she was sitting in the front seat as the car drove to the Parkers’ apartment (and Tony did not neglect to change the tire, he simply got distracted), chatting and laughing up a storm with Peter next to her, the traitor.

“I think I deserve compensation for my services,” Tony said grumpily. “I put the new tire on, I should get to sit in the front.”

Natasha glanced up from her phone and tilted her head. “That would be fair, wouldn’t it?”

“Yes. And some sort of reparations for you hacking Jarvis.”

She raised her eyebrows. “You know about that?”

“I’ve known since a security team didn’t immediately storm the lobby the moment I collapsed. Convenient timing, don’t you think?”

“Hm.” She turned her attention away again.

“You’re not a people person, are you?”

“I’m whatever person I need to be.”

“And who’s that right now?”

“Why him?” She asked instead of answering his question. “And don’t be a smart ass about it.”

Tony ignored her remark. “Why not him?”

“Because there are a thousand other super powered teenagers. Maybe not all of them go running around in the streets fighting crime in between school periods.”

“I know that, but none of those thousands are Peter,” he huffed.

Natasha blinked and Tony didn’t know a blink could be smug until he saw her do it. “He’s good for you.”

“You don’t know me like that.”

“Maybe not, but I don’t need to. I know the Tony Stark on the news and I know Iron Man from… first hand experience.” She paused when another bought of laughter rang through the car, a mixture of Pepper and Peter that Tony couldn’t help but grin at. Natasha spoke up again, after a second of eyeing him closely, “he’s good.”

“Understatement.” Tony reached forward and ruffled Peter’s hair, to which the boy squawked and turned sharply in his chair, making Pepper laugh again.

“What was that for!?” He exclaimed but the mock irritation was kind of ruined by the enormous, face splitting grin on his flushed face.

“Nothing, just thinking you’re the best kid I could’ve asked for.”

Peter burned bright red and ducked his head bashfully. “W-well, you didn’t ask for me, I just kind of… crashed in, I guess.”

“Doesn’t matter, I’m just happy I’ve got you.”

“Geez Mr Stark…”

Tony pat the back of the kid’s head. “Don’t start crying, these seats are expensive to get cleaned, I don’t need the tears of recently abducted children on them.”

Pepper scoffed and rolled her eyes while Peter laughed.

“Don’t worry, Mr Stark, I’ll make sure to bottle everything up until the next sharing trauma and revealing secrets while kidnapped time.”

“Damn right.”

“Would you like me to schedule that for sometime in next month, Mr Stark?” Natasha chimed in, her voice raising to the usual personal assistant Natalie Rushman lilt he was used to.

Tony pretended to think about that. “I’m thinking the 5th. That’s a Friday, isn’t it?”

“Yes sir it is.”

“Perfect.”

Peter was laughing so hard he could hardly breathe. “M-Mr Stark!”

“Just make sure to tell them not to drug us, and actually let us eat the pizza before we’re snatched. And, now that I’m thinking about it, Hammeroid kind of did me a favor back there. Spared me from having to consume that abomination you call pizza.”

“It only had pineapple on it.”

“See this Pep,” Tony said, pointing at the kid, “this blasphemy?”

She sighed fondly and shook her head. “You’re all ridiculous.”

“We’re almost there,” Natasha announced, the upturn of her lips flattening as she checked her phone. “We’ll have company.”

Tony raised an eyebrow as the laughter died. “What’s that mean?”

“It means- see for yourself,” she said, pointing outside the window.

A crowd of reporters were practically climbing over each other in their frenzy to get to the entrance of the apartment building. The car pulled up to the curb next to a motorcycle and a few of people turned to try and get a look at who was inside but the windows were tinted too darkly for anyone to see.

“What the hell are they doing here?” Tony grit out, glaring at them.

Natasha for once looked something other than unreadable, her face twisting into something slightly anxious, if the slight widening of her eyes meant that. “There… might be a visitor.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She didn’t say anything else, busying herself with her phone. Tony sighed and waved at Peter.

“Alright come on let’s go. I’ll keep them away from you, just keep your head down and keep moving.”

Peter, for his part, nodded semi-assured and got out the car, walking to Tony’s side. He took a deep breath before getting out and grabbing the kid’s hand. The crowd of reports split, half the group facing the entrance to the apartment building, the other half turned to Tony. And they went ballistic as soon as they caught sight of him, shoving cameras and microphones in his face and he reckoned if they got any closer, they’d be touching his nose.

“Ok everyone step back unless you want to have a nice long chat with my lawyers and I in a court room.” He added in a whisper, “I’ve got you Pete.”

And he was killing it, pushing past reporters, leading Peter through the narrow passage in the sea of people. Peter’s eyes were down and his face was mostly hidden by his hair. Even though there’d still be reports and a few too keen reporters who’d figure out the kid’s identity and Pepper would have to threaten with a lawsuit, they’d focus on Tony instead, the lovely bruise on his forehead and slightly swollen nose he’d gotten when he fell over.

And you know, maybe Tony should’ve expected something insane to happen. There was a sea of reporters outside Peter’s apartment that were there for a reason outside of Tony and Peter. Natasha was still on her phone, he didn’t have any way of contacting Jarvis or anyone, and Pepper had just gotten reception.

The moment Peter slammed into a brick wall that wasn’t actually a brick wall and fell onto his ass, forcing Tony to kneel by his side, is when said something happened.

Peter groaned and looked up to see what he’d run into. His eyes widened wider than Tony had ever seen, and his entire neck and face turned red.

“C-Captain America!?”

Tony snapped his head to see and-

“What the actual fu-“

“Hey there son,” Captain America said, hands on his hips and chest puffed out like he was giving a speech. He offered Peter his hand. “Need some help?”

Peter looked between Tony and Captain America, expression screaming ‘what the hell!!??’, before he gingerly took the other man’s hand and was yanked back to his feet. Tony stood with him, half tempted to pinch himself because this could not be real.

Captain America squinted at Peter and his eyebrows shot up like he’d had a realization. “You’re Peter Parker!”

“Y-y-you know me?!”

“Of course I was just-“

“Peter!” May shouted from somewhere behind the reporters. She pushed through the crowd and pulled her nephew into a hug. “Oh my god, I thought you-“ he jerked back, made eye contact with Tony, and dragged him into a group hug he almost squirmed out of. “Thank god you’re both alright. Mr Hogan said you’d both been kidnapped and then Col. Rhodes showed up and then Captain America came over and well, I had to offer him something to drink because I’m not a terrible host and then all these reporters showed up and-“

She gasped in a breath, let go of them, and shook her head with tears in her eyes that made Tony feel like utter shit. “I’m just so glad you’re both alright.”

Simultaneous shouting of ‘Boss!’ and ‘Tones!’ helped Tony spot Happy and Rhodey shoving their way through the reporters, their faces mirroring exactly what Tony was feeling with whatever the hell was going on.

“…this weird dude, but I wasn’t really listening when he was explaining why he kidnapped us. We got out in the end though.”

“You did well Peter,” Captain America said with a smile and clapped a hand on the kid’s shoulder and Tony did not feel even the slightest bit of anything upon seeing, nope nothing at all that made him want to punch Capsicle in the face for touching Tony’s kid- “just try not to get kidnapped next time,” he finished with a wink.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he asks you first,” Tony quipped, maybe not so lightly.

“Mr Stark, I’m glad you’re alright.”

“I’d be even better if you left.”

“Mr Stark!” Peter exclaimed as May snorted.

“I’ll be out of your hair then. Stay safe, citizens.” Captain America walked away and hopped onto his motorcycle parked by the curb, saluted, and sped off.

Tony stared at him driving away before his senses came back to him and he shouted, “you’re supposed to wear a helmet!”

Chapter Text

Now airing your Local 12 News.

The anchors looked up from their scripts at the camera.

“Good morning New York, we’re starting the day with reports that Col. James Rhodes was seen at an apartment building in Queens, alongside hero Captain America and billionaire Tony Stark.”

It switched to footage of  Col. Rhodes walking away from reporters, face stoic and holding a glass baking tray with tinfoil over the top.

“Col. Rhodes! What business do you have in Queens?”

“No comment.”

“Colonel, does your contact with Captain America have anything to do with the ongoing investigation into the supervillain Iron Man?”

Rhodes’s face scrunched into a scowl. “Don’t boost his ego like that, it’s already big enough. And no comment.”

“Col. Rhodes, what are you holding?”

Rhodes stopped in his tracks, looked down at the tray, and a myriad of emotions ranging from mild disgust to dread flash across his face. He swallowed and took the tinfoil off, sniffing the contents and pressing his lips into a line as he covered it again.

“W-walnut date loaf,” he frowned, “I hope. Um, does anyone want it?”

“I swear I’ve never had something that tastes less like food and more like charcoal in my life.”

Tony snorted as he listened to Rhodey complain in the call.

“How did you eat dinner with this woman?”

“I made it.”

“Figures.”

Tony glanced at the tv behind the hologram of the new Spider-Man suit he was working on. “What are you up to now?”

“Trying to clean up this media mess and get the Avengers off your ass. Again.” Rhodey sighed. “Can’t you just, not be a supervillain or something.”

“No can do, platypus.”

“Why?”

“Too much fun.”

“You’re the worst.”

Tony stuck out a lip and shut the hologram off, getting up to pace around his lair/apartment thing and stretched his cramped legs while scrolling through his tablet. “Aw, I love you too, sour patch.”

“Please try,” Rhodey stressed, “to not cause a disaster anytime soon. It makes my job easier.”

One picture on Twitter caught his eye. “Then I’ll make sure to blow up at least three SHIELD storage units this week.”

“Tones-“

“See you, honey.”

He hung up and zoomed in on the screen as he took a seat. It was a picture of the disaster: Captain America standing over Peter on his ass, and Tony kneeled next to him. Both of them look up at the Boy Scout, Peter with fear, Tony with thinly veiled disgust. There was a caption beneath the photo.

no one:

captain america: so your body’s changing. believe me, I know how that feels

“J, put together a file of all Captain America PSA’s and make sure to download them to the suit.”

“Already done sir,” Jarvis answered, “and might I say that is an excellent strategy for battle.”

Tony snorted as he took a seat. “Embarrassing my opponents with blackmail?”

“Yes sir.”

“I ever tell you how much I love you, Jarvis?”

“I don’t believe you have.”

“Well, I-“

“Boo,” a voice whispered too close to his ear.

Tony will never admit to screaming and practically falling out of his chair, but he didn’t need to, Jarvis had recorded the event, dutifully.

“Jesus Christ!” He yelled, rubbing his chest. “I’ve got a heart condition!”

Natasha rolled her eyes as she stood to full height and sat in his chair. She took one long look around the lair. “Judging by the furniture, you decorated this place.”

“You’re not going to help me up?”

She set a package down in her lap and picked the dropped tablet up, scrolling through it silently. “Nice picture.”

Tony huffed and pushed himself to his feet, wandering over to the workshop bench where the Iron Man helmet sat disassembled. “How did you get in here? This is supposed to be a secret lair, with emphasis on secret. And you're fired, you don’t work for me.”

She shrugged. “I never actually worked for you. I planted bugs in here a few weeks ago.”

Tony balked. “The ones-“

“The fridge, yes. Also, you might want to put that evidence away. I have a mission report about my recent encounter with Iron Man to complete and I don’t think you’d want that included in what’s being sent to Fury.”

“Are you here to kill me or spy on me? Because I’m almost certain I prefer the first option right now,” Tony groaned, rubbing his temples as he shoved the helmet aside.

Natasha rolled her eyes as she got up and set a small, flat package down in the space in front of him. “Neither but if I have to choose, more of the second.”

“Ugh.” Tony cracked an eye opened and glanced between her and the package. “A bomb?”

“No.”

He picked it up and turned it around. “Book.”

“No.”

“One of those square plates that makes me feel like I’m an IKEA showroom.”

“Just open it.”

“Boring,” Tony muttered but ripped the packaging off.

It was a framed photograph of one of the pictures Tony took during the kid’s first lab visit. Tony was throwing up a peace sign, a grin that looked like he was trying to be smug but was so obviously fond it almost made present-day Tony cringe. Peter was frowning, but the corners of his lips were scrunched like he was trying to suppress a smile. The dunce cap sat firmly on his head as the two peered at the camera.

A message was engraved on the frame, reading ‘Proof Tony Stark has a heart.’

He sniffed. “Cute.”

Natasha hummed and grabbed the paper off the desk to throw it away as she made her way out. “Ms Pott’s idea.”

Of course, it was. Tony stared at it until Natasha left, then got up, found a prominent empty space on his desk, and placed it there.

“Sir,” Jarvis said suddenly, “per the 4Ps protocol, Spider-Man is engaged in a bank robbery with armed criminals and may need assistance.”

Tony tapped on his watch and waited for the pieces of the suit to latch onto him. “Right then, time to pick up my kid.”

It was kind of insulting and kind of annoying that these guys were robbing a bank on a Wednesday afternoon when Peter was supposed to be in 5th period, wanting to die because Fahrenheit 451 was the most boring book ever and Ned’s not in his English class to make it bearable. Yea, he didn’t want to be in the class, but he was kind of trying to have better attendance and not have the school call May and ask why Peter’s missed 15 class periods in 2 months.

So Peter was a little peeved, a little angry, a little hot under the collar if you will. And the group of civilians he was trying to protect while fighting these criminals that were bombarding him with questions about random shit was not helping to calm him down.

“Can you control women with your spider hormones?” Some asked.

“Dude, what the hell?”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Peter sighed sidestepped a bag of actual, physical coins being thrown at him.

“What the f-“

The only warning he had was the crackle of a call being connected before someone spoke. “I’m literally en route to you, soap in hand. Do not finish that sentence.”

He spluttered and almost didn’t dodge the bullet that lodged itself in the wall behind him. “Mr Stark?!”

He didn’t hear Mr Stark’s reply over the bank robbers shouting “stop moving you stupid bug!”

“Arachnid!” Peter shouted back, webbing one of the guy’s hands and ripping the gun away from him. “And I hope you’ve got a license for this because you’re already facing a lot of prison time and- Woah!”

He ducked beneath a bat hurtling towards his head and kicked the other attacker away. “You’re not supposed to try and hit people with a bat when their back is turned! That’s dishonorable!”

“And you’re supposed to be in class, reading a Dr Seuss books,” Mr Stark snipped back on the other end of the call Peter forgot he was on. “Not discussing the philosophical ramifications of sneak attacks with criminals.”

“I don’t see why I can’t do that and stop a bank robbery.”

“Little shit.”

“Because I’m right?”

“Because you’re a smart ass. Heads up.”

Peter sensed the villain's presence before he saw him and moved out of the way as Mr Stark blasted through the ceiling and slowly landed in the middle of the bank, much to the terror of the civilians and Peter’s exasperation. The man put his hands on his hips, swiveling around in his armor to take in the scene.

“Need help?”

Peter gestured to the webbed up baddies. “Not really.”

Iron Man clapped. “Awesome, could I perhaps interest you in a juice pop?”

He perked up at that, most of his frustration forgotten. “Juice pop?”

“Yup, I was working on a new feature for the suit and-“

“Spider-Man!” One of the bank tellers yelled from behind. “Get him!”

“Yea Spidey! Beat up that bastard!”

“Kick his ass!”

Mr Stark sighed and rolled his shoulders like he was warming up. “I’m waiting kid.”

“Waiting…?”

“Yea so we can,” he made a gesture between them, “fight, or whatever.”

Peter jerked back in shock. “Fight!?”

“Yea you know, give the people what they want.”

”Wait wait, I’ve got an idea.” He looked at the civilians, stared somewhere off in the distance, gasped loudly, and pointed while channeling the full berth of his acting abilities he nurtured in middle school drama class. “Oh my god, is that a Chupacabra!?”

Much to Peter’s surprise, no one turned to look. They just stared at him like he was insane

”You are actually out of your mind,” Mr Stark said.

”I-I’m not! It was supposed to be a distraction!”

”The Chupacabra. Really.”

”Yes.”

”In the middle of New York.”

Ok, maybe it did kind of make sense why that distraction was slightly ridiculous. “B-but I want a juice pop! And we needed a distraction, so I thought…”

”The Chupacabra.”

”Yes, why do you keep repeating that like it doesn’t exist?”

“And you have just proven my point. You are a toddler.”

“You made that point like 2 weeks ago.”

“So what it expired?”

“Duh.”

Peter could hear the eye roll in Mr Shark’s voice when he responded by lifting his gauntlet and whirring up the repulsor. “Dodge.”

And he did, easily outmaneuvering the blast sent his way. The crowd behind him cheered as Iron Man continued to fake attack him.

“Mr Stark, what the fu-“

“Don’t you dare finish that kid!” Another purposefully missed blast made Peter swing up and out of the bank and across rooftops as Mr Stark flew after him. “We’ve both got reputations to uphold. And  that’s a big boy word you’re not old enough to use.”

“I’m turning 16 soon!”

“Get back to me when you’re 40.”

They continued to ‘battle’, people balking at the two as they flew overhead. They got far enough away from the city and landed on a rooftop, where Mr Stark stopped and flipped the faceplate of his helmet up while stretching.

“Are we done?” Peter panted.

“Yea we're far enough away.” The man took a seat at the edge of the building, letting his legs hang over the edge, and waved Peter over. The metal on his arm moved and opened to reveal two frozen juice pops, which he grabbed and handed one to Peter. “Nice work kid.”

Peter grabbed it out of his hand with a grin, lifting his mask halfway up his face to eat it. “Thank you.”

“Ah, so he does have manners! A miracle.”

“That’s coming from you.”

Mr Stark’s eyes narrowed. “You’re sounding like Pepper and I don’t like it.”

Peter just tilted his head to the side and stopped a smile. “You carry juice pops on you at all times?”

The man scoffed. “Recently,” he said.

“How do you keep them cold?”

“As I was trying to say before I had to theatrically kick your ass-“

“You mean lost terribly and played it off like you were going easy on me?” Peter asked.

Mr Stark frowned. “You’re becoming too sassy. I don’t like it.”

”You don’t like a lot of things.” Peter smiled and nudged Mr Stark’s side. “I learn from the best.”

“Learn from someone else. You’re cramping my style.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Of course I don’t. I’m only ever serious about two things. One. Inventing a, might I say, brilliant freezer stabilizing system into this suit to safely transport frozen juice pops to a certain superhero. And two. Keeping my kid safe.”

Peter blushed furiously and dipped his head. “Thanks.”

Mr Stark put a hand on his head and ruffled his hair, keeping it there for a bit. “I should be thanking you.”

He raised an eyebrow and met Mr Shark’s gaze. “Thanking me for what?”

The man smiled. Soft and warm, one Peter was starting to get used to. “For being a great kid. And an amazing Spider-Man.”

“Am I a superhero yet?”

Mr Stark let out a long breath that Peter chuckled at. “If I’m being modest, yes. But you’re so much more than that. So much better. But enough sap, you haven’t complimented my freezer and it’s breaking my heart.”

Peter laughed lightly and chewed on the stick of his eaten juice pop. “It is pretty impressive. Great job Mr Stark.”

“Thank you thank you, I know.”

“But not as impressive as that other scientist’s work. What’s his name…” he tapped his chin before gasping. “Right! Reed Richards!”

“Ok wow. I’m insulted, disgusted, and afraid for your state of mind.”

“Sorry you’re jealous dude.”

“I’m supposed to be the one doing the teasing and starting the banter. What’s going on here?”

“How the turn tables…”

Mr Stark huffed and stood. “Ok that’s enough, I’m not sure how much more of this slander I can take tonight. I’m taking you back to your handler.”

Peter sighed and got to his feet beside the man. “I don’t need to be handled.”

“Says the one who decides to fight a room full of kidnappers with no plan.”

“It worked! Because-“

“You’re Spider-Man,” Mr Stark finished while rubbing his forehead. “Yea amazing reasoning. Let’s get out of here before I self-destruct.”

He flew off and Peter followed after, keeping up with the nearly invisible suit. Watching the city pass by beneath him and Mr Stark flying steady ahead felt good. A different kind of good from his usual webslinging. More content, more like he’s finally getting a hang of the whole hero thing, even if he’s not really fighting the one villain he’s supposed to be fighting. But Peter wouldn’t trade rooftop juice pops or dunce caps in the lab or ridiculous KFC orders for anything.

They landed on his fire escape after a few minutes of swinging and flying through the city, with a short debate about the authenticity of the new Italian pizza shop around the corner from Peter’s apartment.

“You wouldn’t know, you’ve never been there,” he argued as he climbed down and flipped into a crouched position in front of his window.

Mr Stark landed behind him and put up the faceplate again. “Jarvis put together a report.”

“I feel like Jarvis does most of the work.”

“I do indeed, Mr Parker,” the AI responded from the Iron Man suit. “It is part of my programming and the recently added 4Ps protocol.”

Peter raised an eyebrow. “The 4Ps protocol?”

“The ‘Protect Precious Peter Parker’ protocol,” Jarvis answered.

He wasn’t sure if it was the lighting or the reflection from the suit, but Peter thought he saw Mr Stark’s face turn red.

“J, mute.”

Peter bit back a smile as he opened the window and climbed into his room. “The Protect-“

“You really need to clean this place, kid. It’s a pigsty in here.”

“I literally have one pile of clothes in the corner and you're changing the subject.”

Mr Stark frowned. “Changing the subject? What the hell are you talking about kid.”

“What you’re doing right now!”

“Talking to you?”

“Deflecting.”

He hummed suspiciously. “I don’t deflect. I’m above that.”

“Like how you’re above carrying juice pops.”

“I don’t deflect,” he repeated glancing at some work on the desk. “I didn’t name it-“

“Lies.”

“-it’s so I can keep an eye on a certain preschool superhero. And…” Mr Stark trailed off and looked somewhere over Peter’s shoulder, face paling considerably.

Peter raised an eyebrow. “And what? What’s wrong-“

Then he saw it. Her. Aunt May, standing in the doorway, eyes wide and jaw gaping wide opened, gaze locked onto Mr Stark standing in front of Peter, decked out in full Iron Man suit.

Peter blinked.

Mr Stark swallowed.

May gasped.

“WHAT THE FUC-“