Chapter Text
To think of a time in James’ life where he hadn’t loved something to a completely maddeningly, blind level; would be impossible.
James’ earliest memory was of his prized first broom. Dad got it for him for his 4th birthday, a sleek toy broom, oak and impossibly cool. James loved that broom, he tucked it into his little toddler bed every night and Mum had to physically pry it from his arms each time.
Inanimate objects were so easy to love, easily broken and easily replaced. Not too much pain in losing a prized quill or jumper.
People were the ever growing issue, James had quickly realised as he grew up.
The first person James loved, other than his parents, was Sirius Black. James had never had anyone to play with when he was young, his only company was himself, no neighbours kids to play with. No younger years school to attend and make friends with there, just himself.
Mum and Dad would watch in sadness at James flying his broom around alone, they had tried to get pregnant again, but it seemed it just wasn’t in the cards for them.
James spent his childhood up until 11, mostly alone.
So, Sirius and him clicking in such a way that felt magnitudes different to any love he’d ever had, was special. James loved Sirius in the way Mum best described as, ‘Pure Brotherly admiration’, which it was. Sirius and James were in simple terms, platonically besotted with each other.
From their first prank James knew he would never ever stop loving Sirius Black, not for all the galleons in the world.
That love was simple, easy if you will. The other easy loves: Remus and Peter.
Peter is dangerously good at planning and has the funniest sense of humour. His mannerisms were ridiculous, but it only made you love him more. He's trustworthy and loyal. Stuck to James' side and hasn't left it since. He's predictable and even more perfect because of it. There's no one better at making you feel good about yourself than Peter, with his goading compliments and constant praise.
Remus, with his big jumpers and chocolate, completely sweet and secretly mischievous. His little freckles and lanky frame, his big hazel eyes. Kinder than anyone, the best at advice. Moony's secret had made James respect go up for him magnitudes, becoming Animagi for him was an easy decision, they'd do anything for Remus, because he'd do anything for them too.
There was the other special thing too; Remus made Sirius act like a complete fool with his impish grin and endless knowledge. James had watched Remus unknowingly wiggle his way into Sirius’s arrogant little heart and settle, over 6 years Sirius had never blushed over anyone but Remus.
James knew what it was, he was just waiting for them to figure it out. He knew love and in both their eyes it surged richly, a passing glance to them is a vein curdling pierce for anyone else.
The way James knew love was because he loved people. He loved people who didn’t love him back or he wasn’t supposed to love, it seemed after the Marauders every other person he really loved, just turned out to be a catastrophic mess.
Lily Evans for one. In second year when James got over his ickiness for girls, he fell head over heels for the delicate and simultaneously feisty as fire, red haired, perfect as pie Lily. Lily was the most beautiful thing James had ever lay his eyes upon, skin as pale as her name, rosebud lips and smelling always of vanilla and muggle perfume.
Lily was smart and quick witted, could hold her own and was impossibly kind. James loved kindness most on people as a defining attribute. Lily didn’t much like James in all honesty. James loved from a distance, covering his agony of unrequited love by making lazy jokes and gimmicks. He had grown out of hexing her clingy greaseball friend, but still everyday someone you love not loving you back, its hard.
The next love, James’ shameful lurid dirty secret. Regulus Black. Regulus Black, Merlin! You couldn’t make up a worst person to love. James just couldn’t help it.
A swoop of his stomach in fourth year during a quidditch match as he watched Regulus, his dark hair swishing, fury in his eyes chasing the snitch.
He flushed pink realising he wasn’t watching an enemy team player in 'sport awe', that would have been fine. James was watching Regulus the same way he watched Lily, with an agonising longing.
He felt sick in an instant, his eyes traced Regulus' features and found not a single fault, no flaws to be saw. And that's how he knew for certain, when James loves something, he doesn’t find faults in them, he holds them to an impossibly high standard.
Regulus’ creamy skin and piercing eyes, hair tousled and slightly waved in a princely way. Regal features, strong brows and nose, yet as a whole they were soft. He looked kind and unsure of himself- that was until he opened that pretty curved mouth of his and spit venom.
Sirius was void of the pureblood mentality that had pierced Regulus so spitefully, it had turned his delicate hands into triggers to send hexes to muggle born students and it agonised James to no end. Someone he loved imposing the very thing he hated most; Prejudice.
He tried to make it go, but it was futile. Forcing yourself not to love someone always had the opposite effect.
Now, 2 years since his revelation it seemed like things were worse. Dark whispers in halls and shadows were a nightmare compared to the old hexes and words, quiet was scarier. Quiet whispers meant real danger and Regulus scared James the most, because how could James still love him! How?! He could not be such a hypocrite as to hate all others except him? Could he? No.
But he did it anyway.
James had never even spoken a word to Regulus. Passing grimaces from him was what he received, even at least with Lily, she sometimes spoke to him. He loved to watch him, on the map he saw him pace in his dorm, spent his weekends in the library all by himself. James would sometimes slip in for 10 minutes to hide behind a bookcase and watch his downcast eyes stare aimlessly into a book he was pretending to read.
He just had this face, it made James mad, he was mad. Once he went as far as stealing a Photo of Regulus that Sirius kept in his trunk, just to stare at and try to pick at flaws, anything!
But instead he would clutch it and melt into it, like a puddle of chocolate seeping into his sheets. He was utterly pathetic. He just wanted to hold him, tell him he doesn't have to pretend to be bad, he can be good.
It's easy to be good, just be good with me. For me. Maybe he would one day, given an excuse James would try anything.
…
“What are you looking at?” Sirius asks.
Making James snap his eyes away from the end of the Slytherin table. “Doesn’t snivellous have especially greasy hair today?” He replies with a forced grin.
Although he was not at all looking at that git. Instead watching Regulus pick at raspberries like it was the most boring act ever, was really peaking James’ interest. Putting the fruit lazily into his mouth, with a fork. Who eats fruit with a fork? Regulus. Mesmerising to say the least.
Sirius laughs and crashes down his plate and begins to eat his breakfast like he’s not eaten in years, Remus not far behind him, sitting opposite them with his respectable and neat demeanour, which makes Sirius stop eating like an animal and use his knife and fork.
James laughs and begins to eat his own, looking slyly to the Slytherin table every so often to see Regulus staring into space, he's probably picturing murder scenarios but he looks ever so perfect as he does it.
“Hey Evans!” James shouts when he catches a glimpse of red hair.
Remus groans, “James leave her alone.”
Lily turns and raises an impossibly perfect brow, James grins and winks before she swishes her hair and walks in the opposite direction.
“Lighten up Moony, have you never fancied anyone?” James adds rather slyly.
Sirius squirms next to him, interest peaking at the prospect of Remus’ (as far as James knows) dormant love life.
Remus straightens his back and meets James’s eye defiantly. “ When I decide to like someone it won’t be someone who despises me at least.” He says curtly.
He’s hit a nerve! He looks back to his food and grins, god Remus was prickly when he wanted to be.
“No one could despise you Remus, you cause no trouble or nastiness.” Peter interjects.
“So he fools you too Wormy!” Sirius exclaims. Remus and him exchange a grin which turns to a blush when James raises a brow at them both staring at one and other. Idiots.
Regulus suddenly stands and leaves the hall in an elegant swish, much like the swish of Lily’s hair.
He likes to get to class early, James suspects it's because he doesn't actually like the company of his house members.
Regulus would have a menacing grin to them exchanging whispers, then turn around and his face would drop into a stone cold bored expression.
He was putting up a front, he longed to know why.
…
It was a soggy afternoon on a Thursday where James saw an opportunity present itself.
Quidditch as everyone knew, was quite a physical sport, there was roughs and tumbles every game.
It was a match with Gryffindor and Slytherin, quite an intense game as they go, given the weather too made it all the more rigorous and frankly, a lot of fun.
Slytherin liked to be rough, Regulus loved it, he narrowed those excruciating eyes of his and crashed into people. The thing James noticed, no matter what position he was in, he never got roughed up by him, like Marlene had, like everyone else on his team had countless times.
Regulus had never so much as touched a hair on James's head.
Was it flattering? Not really. James felt like he needed to be hit, he wanted it in fact. It opened up the ever growing thought in James' mind that he was good, that he'd be good for him.
So, with some of his well known arrogance and stupid bravery, he did it himself. He wasn't going to hurt him, merlin forbid, James would die before he hurt him, just a playful nudge and see if it was reciprocated and go from there.
James felt the rain against his face and stretched his back, eyes on Regulus who was eyeing the snitch like it was the only thing in the whole world that mattered, and bam! They were off.
James pushed forward full pelt as he raced after him, he was being shouted at by Marlene to get in his right position but he didn't care to win today, well he cared a bit, but the pining was brutal and he needed something to get through to his subconscious.
There must be a crack in his façade.
He was on his tail, flying dangerously low to the floor, Regulus had eyes only for the snitch. He didn't so much as notice James's presence until he was at his side and cleared his throat.
Regulus side eyed him momentarily before looking back to the snitch eyes narrowed. They dodged a wooden beam and James drew closer, arm reaching for the snitch, in this moment any other person would jam James to the floor, he was an open target.
"Move." Regulus said through his teeth.
James nudged his broom with his foot making him falter and huff. "I've heard you were ruthless, this is amusingly easy," He laughs softly and got closer to the snitch, his arm was in touching distance when it whipped away faster.
Regulus was gripping his broom so tightly his knuckles were white. At this point James knew something was certainly up. People had broken limbs because of this boy! Here James was teasing and in quite a clear position of win and all Regulus could do was stare blankly at the snitch and grip his broom like he was in pain.
James did love to tease. Regulus zoomed forward closer to him, his hand reaching for the snitch when James caught it with a wink.
"I reckon you could have caught that... If you actually attempted to that is." James drawled lazily.
Regulus stopped his broom with a stricken look on his face as James grinned and flew off to be cheered and celebrated with.
That was his opportunity. A blind spot to Regulus' excruciating solitude.