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3AM Bogotá, Colombia

A persistent knock woke you up and as you sat up in bed, you had to pause and wait to see if you had just imagined it.

Knock, knock, knock.

Nope.

Scowling at the clock beside your bed, you muttered a few colorful curses as you slipped out of bed and headed to your apartment door. You peeked through the peephole and was greeted by a certain DEA agent staring back at you with that infamous raised brow. As if he knew you were on the other side looking through that peephole. But…he looked tense. Unusually so.

He wore his usual leather jacket and underneath was a dark blue button up shirt with tan under the collar and his usual tight, dark blue jeans. His yellow aviators were in the left breast pocket of the shirt and you’d wager a week’s pay that his handgun was shoved in the back of his jeans.

Your brows furrowed as you pulled back and then opened the door.

“Javi?”

At the sight of you, dressed in only a tank top and sleep shorts, his shoulders seemed to relax.  

“Sirenita…”

He suddenly looked lost, like a puppy and then the next thing you knew he was in your personal space, crashing his mouth against yours desperately. He pushed you back into your apartment, closing the door behind the two of you without ever breaking the kiss and you could not help but surrender to his onslaught. His hands were everywhere–slipping under your tank top, tangling in your hair, sliding beneath the waistband of your shorts to caress your ass and hips. 

His feet instinctively knew where to go in your small apartment, guiding you towards your bedroom and you did not, could not resist him. Just short of the bedroom, he pushed you up against the wall next to the door and pulled your tank top up and off.

It was the first time the kiss had been broken since he’d initiated it and he took a moment to just to breathe you in. His forehead rested against yours, your arms wrapped around his broad shoulders and you were both breathing heavily. Both his hands rested against the wall, caging you in with his body while his thigh was wedged between your legs.

Javier’s eyes were closed as he affectionately bumped your nose with his, his lips ghosting across yours. “Need you tonight, sirenita.”

He kissed you firmly for a moment before he pulled back again but only enough to murmur against your lips. “Please.” 

Your eyes opened then to look up at him, meeting his gaze and in those soul deep brown eyes you saw a man with the weight of the world oppressively on his shoulders. A man seeking solace in the one thing that made him forget the horrors of the world outside your door. For him, your apartment, your bed, your body, your heart…was the eye of the storm that was the drug war. And at this moment right here, he looked close to the breaking point…and you could not find it in yourself to turn him away.

Not now. Not ever.

You gave him a little nod before pressing your lips against his once more and it was like the last wall in him came down and he let go. He quickly took control of the kiss again but not desperately like before…he was full of passion and need but also…adoration? His touch changed, slowing and taking his time as if he was feeling you again for the first time and his fingers skimmed over your skin in almost delicate fashion. One hand remained on your torso, caressing and cupping your breast while the other rose to your face, tilting your head back so he could press a line of kisses along your jaw. His mouth moved down your neck, nipping and then soothing those nips with his tongue, tasting your skin. He zoned in on the spot where he knew you were sensitive and bit down lightly, making your moan and it went straight to his groin. 

You seemed to suddenly remember you had hands when you felt his hard length twitch sharply against the confines of his jeans and you let go of the fistfuls of his shirt. You let your hands rove down and grab his shirt, untucking it from his jeans and then worked on unbuttoning the blasted thing so you could get to his skin. He groaned a little as your fingers came in contact with his heated skin as you started to try to push both his jacket and the shirt off him. He brought his lips back to yours, kissing you deeply as he shrugged both offending garments off his shoulders and let them drop to the floor. His hands came back to you, wrapping around you so that he could feel your skin against his, pulling you away from the wall then walking you backwards into your bedroom. 

Your hands worked in between the two of you, going straight to his belt and then the button and zipper of his jeans, undoing all three in quick succession. You tried to slip your hand inside to feel him but his hand grasped your wrist, stopping you. 

You pulled back from the kiss and gave him a puzzled look to which he only dipped his head down to nuzzle against your neck. 

“Patience, hermosa,” was all he said.

Your hands rested at the top of his jeans as he kissed his way down your neck again and his hands played with your breasts for a moment before they trailed down to your shorts. There he hooked his thumbs on either side and slid them down, going to his knees in front of you as he did so. He helped you out of them, tossing them to the side as his hands started almost tenderly feeling up your calves, his gaze following his hands. Though the light was limited to just the city lights of Bogotá seeping through your bedroom window, he could see well enough. He listened as your breath quickened as you watched him on his knees before you, leaning forward to taste your skin in an almost worshipping manner. 

He started with your thighs and his hands rested against the back of them, holding you to him as he kissed first one then the other then back again. He could smell your arousal, being so close to your core but he did not dive in right away…he wanted to take his time with you. Savor every bit of you that he could though it was a struggle to hold himself back from his usual way of doing things. As his mouth moved up to just above your pubic mound, he looked up at you as he pressed a sensual kiss to your flesh while his hands moved from the backs of your thighs to your ass, grasping firmly. He dropped his eyes back to what he was doing and trailed kisses from your mound to your right hip, nipping and soothing with his tongue. The simplicity but sensualness of his tongue and his mouth and his hands had your head falling back, your eyes drifting closed as  you reveled in his attentions. Your hands found their way into his coffee brown locks, lightly scraping your nails against his scalp which sent a shudder of pleasure through him.

“Sirenita…I can’t get enough of you,” he breathed against your skin, his mouth travelling to your left hip in the same way he did your right. 

His hands moved to your hips and his face went from your hips to your pubic mound where he buried his nose against you and breathed deep. He pulled back just enough so he could watch you, getting your attention as his hands squeezed your hips and you glanced down at him. He pressed another kiss there before he slowly stood, letting his hands trail up from your hips to your waist and then your sides as he pushed you back onto the bed. As you laid back, he shed his jeans, socks, and shoes then followed you onto the bed, moving over you as you opened your legs to allow him to settle in between them. 

He rested on his arms on either side of your head and your hands roved up his chest and sides as you tilted your head up to kiss him. Chaste kisses that soon deepened and he pressed himself against you, rocking his hips into you and he was hard and hot against your folds. You moaned as the tip of him caught your clit once or twice, warm pre-cum leaking from his head and a groan rumbled in his chest to feel your wet center against him. Javier shifted just enough so he could rest most of his weight on one arm while the other snaked down in between you two to run his fingers up your slit. He marveled at how dripping wet you were for him. 

“Sirenita…you’re always so wet for me, so warm,” he whispered against your lips and he swallowed your gasp with a kiss as he slipped first one finger then another inside you. “Mierda! And tight!”

He detached his mouth from yours so he could watch your face as he worked you with his fingers, his hips flexing up against you so his cock dug into the soft flesh of your thigh. It was exquisite torture for him but he wanted to get you off first with his hand before he fucked you into your mattress. 

Javier’s thumb found your clit and circled it, varying pressure and speed until he found what had you crying his name and throwing your head back into the pillow. With your throat bared to him, he could resist leaning his head down and nipping your skin hard enough to leave a mark but it only increased the pleasure coursing through you. He felt you spasm around his fingers and he worked you harder, wanting to feel you squeeze his fingers as you came. 

He murmured against your neck, his breathing almost as heavy as yours. “Cum for me, mi cielo, let me feel you.”

“Javi!” Your voice was a whimper as you felt yourself hurtling towards that edge and his thumb rubbed your clit harder, concentrating his attention there. 

“That’s it, hermosa,” he urged, lifting his head to watch you though your eyes were clenched shut and one arm behind your head, your hand twisted in your pillow. The other was clenched around his upper arm, doing your best not to dig your nails into his skin though honestly he didn’t care–he liked a bit of pain when it meant he was making you lose control.

Your hips rocked up into his hand and he dug his cock against your thigh as he felt your walls start to flutter around his fingers, your juices soaking his hand. His name spilled from your lips like a prayer to the heavens so sinful it would make the angels weep in shame.

“Fuck, sirenita,” he groaned, his cock throbbing. He needed to be inside you. 

Your body grew slack beneath his as you came down from your high and you opened your eyes to look up at him, a satisfied smile on your face. He leaned down to kiss you, carefully withdrawing his hand from you and then brought his fingers to his mouth, tasting you on them. You felt core start to ache again as you watched him savor your taste and reached down to caress his cock, making him jerk against you.

“Fuck, woman!” he slapped his hand down against the mattress so he didn’t crush you as his hips jerked involuntarily as you gripped his length. You watched him with a smirk as you let your thumb circle his tip, spreading the pre-cum around his head and he growled. His hand snapped to yours, pulling you away from him.

“Not gonna last if you keep that up and I need to be inside you, hermosa,” he said with a groan, looking at you with a heated gaze. You gave a mock disappointed sigh before trying to reach over to the nightstand to grab a condom but his hand didn’t release your wrist and you looked back at him with furrowed brows.

“Javi?” 

He swallowed thickly and his gaze searched yours for a moment before he spoke. “Just tonight…I want to feel all of you, mi cielo.”

That surprised you–he was always so careful. “Are…are you sure?”

He nodded, bringing your hand to his face so he could kiss your palm. “I’m clean, hermosa. You’re still…?”

You nodded. “Still on it. Still clean, too.”

He seemed to relax a bit but still waited for your answer and when you nodded, he let go of his control. You let out a muffled yelp of surprise as he crashed his mouth against yours, covering your body with his again and hitching your thigh up against his hip and ground his hard cock into you. Your arms wrapped around him and felt your desire for him jolt through you, red hot again at the thought of finally feeling him deep inside you with nothing to dull the sensation. To finally feel him spill deep inside you and then feel him leak out of you afterwards…you’d dreamed of this moment.

For Javier, he was like a man possessed–his need for you was coursing through his veins like quicksilver, white hot and he couldn’t wait any longer. He needed to feel your naked, wet heat around his cock. Needed to feel you clench around him, clamp down on him when you came and then coat your channel with his seed. Keep himself inside you for as long as he could then watch his milky cum seep out of you afterwards.

It was with this thought that he sat up enough and took himself in hand, breaking the kiss and glancing down as he notched his cock against your entrance. Looking back up at you, he started to push inside you, holding himself back from just slamming into you–he wanted to see your face as he breached you bareback for the first time. He nearly lost control as he felt your walls grip as he slid into you, your earlier orgasm making it easier but you were still tight around his impressive cock. 

“Javi, oh fuck. Oh, fuck,” your voice almost a whimper as you felt his hard cock settle into you fully. He filled you, utterly and completely and he felt heavy inside you and you moaned as you felt his cock twitch inside you, pulling a groan from him as well.

“Fuck, sirenita, you feel so good. So fucking good,” he gasped as he kissed you, just holding himself there deep inside you. “Let me…let me feel you, just for a moment. You feel like fucking heaven.” 

He couldn’t stop talking about how good you felt around him. “Should’ve done this sooner. You’re so beautiful, so good to me.”

He pulled back just enough so he could look down at you, your arms wrapped around his shoulders so he couldn’t pull back far. He rested his forehead against yours, closing his eyes briefly as he tried to breathe normally before meeting your gaze again.

“Say you’re mine, sirenita. Please. Say you are mine as I am yours,” he whispered almost pleadingly.

You didn’t know what brought this on but he was all but begging and all but confessing having…feelings for you. You breathed heavily and your throat felt tight but you nodded a little, your voice soft. 

“I am yours, Javi.”

It was all he needed to hear as he sealed his lips to yours again then he pushed himself up enough to rest on his forearms and your name was on his lips as he started moving. Deliberately at first, dragging his length almost all the way out of you before pushing back in until he was pressed up tight against your cervix. His hand again moved to your thigh, keeping that leg hitched up against him as he thrust into you, his pace gradually picking up.

It wasn’t long before the bed was shaking and you threw your head back against the pillow, his mouth leaving yours to kiss and lick and nip anywhere he could reach. You cried his name over and over as he bottomed out again and again, rubbing against that spot deep inside that hurtled you towards nirvana. He could hardly keep his head, drowning in the feeling of you tight around him and your wet, slick heat enveloping and encompassing his pounding cock. Even as your nails left red lines across his shoulders and back, it just heightened his pleasure and the sounds that escaped the both of you were almost sacrilegious. 

He forgot the outside world as he lost himself within your body and the pleasure you summoned from his. He could only think of you, his heart swelling as you cried out his name again and he didn’t resist the urge to wrap his arms around you, holding you against him as close as he could. He was just jackhammering into you now and he could feel the beginnings of your fall into nirvana and it was accelerating him towards his own but he’d be damned if you didn’t fall first.

“Let me feel you, sweet girl, cum for me,” he gasped against your neck.

He winced as he felt your nails dig deeper into his back but he didn’t stop. “Javi, Javi! Fuck! Yes!”

He didn’t even a warning as your walls clamped down on him and his hips stuttered, your channel choking his cock and you cried out his name though it was muffled against his neck. He held you tight against his body as pushed through your orgasm to reach his and he couldn’t help but ram into you as deep as he could possibly go when his own euphoria crashed over him. His cock was jammed against your cervix as he spilled himself into you, white hot ropes of cum painting your insides.

Javier’s shout against your neck was still loud and he whimpered your name as he was overwhelmed by his own orgasm. He couldn’t get deep enough, couldn’t get you close enough against him as his body trembled in your arms, his chest heaving.

He felt like he blacked out for a moment because he doesn’t remember all but collapsing on you or when you started stroking his back with one hand and your other buried in his dark locks. He knew he should move but when he tried you held him still and he didn’t try again yet, far too exhausted from all this.

He shifted just enough that he can lift his head up and press his lips to yours again but lazily and deeply. It’s several long moments of just enjoying this simplicity before you finally allow him to lift himself off of you and he slipped out of you, both of you hissing from the pleasant burn left behind. He slumped beside you then made himself get up, padding over to the bathroom attached to your bedroom and getting a cloth wet with warm water. He returned to find you curled up on your side and he silently urged you to roll over again onto your back and to spread your legs.

Before he cleaned you up, he took a moment to enjoy the sight of his cum seeping out of you and glanced up at you with a smirk which you returned with a coy smile. He then stretched out beside you, reaching down with the cloth to gently clean you up then tossing the soiled cloth aside afterwards.

Javier leaned over you, kissing you chastely then spoke lowly. “I meant what I said, sirenita.”

You reached up to caress the side of his face. “I know, Javi. So did I.”

Silent understanding passed between you and then he kissed you again, an unspoken promise. No more words were spoken as he encouraged you to roll onto your other side, your back to him so he can spoon against you, his arm wrapped around. His other arm stretched out underneath your pillow but his hand was free and he interlaced your fingers with his. You fell asleep like this, held against him.

As your breathing evened out, Javier tried to let go of his thoughts and concentrated on feeling you. Eventually, he drifted off into a less peaceful sleep and he would find himself waking up just a few hours later, just before dawn. 

His eyes opened wearily, still blurry from sleep and found that neither of you had moved though your hand had fallen from his. He could tell you were deeply asleep and he gave himself a few minutes to just enjoy this moment then carefully extricated himself from you. When you did not wake, he paused just to watch you sleep, his hand rising to caress your cheek gently.

He smiled a little then brushed his lips against your temple and whispered something he never dared say out loud.

“Te amo.” 

He cursed himself for being a coward but he was too afraid of what the consequences could be if he said them to you while you were awake. What fate would do if he dared acknowledge beyond this what he felt for you. What you were to him.

It was dangerous enough as it was.

He wouldn’t risk you.

He swallowed back the tightness in his throat and then slipped out of your bed, quietly gathering his clothes and getting dressed. He buried everything deep within his heart before he left your apartment, making sure the door was locked behind him and his handgun stuffed once more in the back of his jeans.

He knew he’d see you on Monday when you both returned to work though no one had any idea what you were to each other–least, as far as you both knew. The only two people that suspected anything between the two of you were Murphy and Carrillo. The only interaction that occurred between the two of you was when he came to you looking for a file or you were delivering one. You were the files chica, as Carrillo and Trujillo called you.

He shook his head a bit and got his keys out to unlock his Jeep as he stepped out of your apartment building.

He never saw them coming.

When Javier didn’t come on Monday, no one really thought much about it and you didn’t even know. You were buried in a mass of files that had been delivered over the weekend from the Embassy archives. You were all stationed at the Carlos Holguín, the old police training academy that had been repurposed as ground zero in the search for Escobar. You were on a different floor than the DEA and much of the Colombia police but you’d developed good relationships with the main players of this whole thing–Peña, Murphy, and Carrillo. 

So when Carrillo came to your office, you weren’t alarmed or surprised.

“Colonel, good afternoon. What can I do you for?” you asked with a slight smile.

Carrillo didn’t return it but you didn’t expect him to and he got right to the point. “Have you seen Peña?”

Anyone else may have missed your hand freeze for a split second as you set a file aside but Carrillo was not ‘anyone’. “I have not, Colonel.”

You kept your voice steady and didn’t look away from the Colombian police officer’s hard stare. “Murphy hasn’t seen him either and no one has heard from him.”

That stilled you.

“What?”

“Did you see him at all over the weekend?”

You were silent, hesitant and Carrillo glanced behind him at the open office door before he closed it and then stepped over to your desk. He rested his hands on it and leaned closer to you. 

“Everyone else may be blind, chica, but Murphy and I are not. If you saw him over the weekend, then you were probably the last to do so,” he said gravely.

Fear grew in your gut and you silently nodded, confirming you’d seen Javier.

“Has…has it been reported yet?”

Carrillo shook his head, sighing heavily. “No. Murphy and Trujillo are quietly checking things out but…if they don’t have anything soon, we’ll have to.”

You willed your face not to show anything but your voice failed to do so. “Please keep me in the loop, Horacio.”

It was daring for you to use his first name but you needed him to understand how serious this was for you. His dark gaze searched yours silently before he nodded, pushing off your desk and straightening.

“I’ll let Murphy know that I talked to you. If you hear anything, come to me immediately. No one else,” he instructed seriously. 

“Of course, Colonel.”

Another curt nod and then he was gone…and you were left with a cold stone of dread in your stomach.

Towards the end of the day, when you were finishing up, you received another visitor who shut the door behind him before he even started speaking.

Murphy.

You’d glanced up when he stepped into your office and paused in what you were doing as he glanced behind him then closed the office door. The paranoia that ran through this place was rampant.

“First Carrillo and now you,” you stated bluntly.

Steve approached your desk, dropping the fake file in his hand and you could see he was not quite his normal self. “Carrillo sent me down here.”

He had your full attention now.

“Have you–”

He cut you off. “No.”

You sat back in your chair heavily running a hand through your hair. “Fuck.”

“When did you last see him?”

You saw no point in trying to hide anything now. “Sunday morning. He…showed up at my door about 3AM but he was gone by the time I woke up. His Jeep was gone, too.”

Steve dropped into the visitor chair opposite you and pulled out a cigarette. “Fucking hell.”

“What do we know?”

“Nothing but it’s been reported,” Steve said, taking a long drag from his cigarette.

Your heart clenched. “Is there anything I can do?”

Steve shook his head, meeting your gaze solemnly. “Pray.”

You didn’t bother to try to hide the pain and fear that fully gripped your being and Steve watched you for a moment before he stood. He came around to the other side of your desk just as you could no longer hold back the emotions that had roiled through you for the past few hours. 

He held you as you cried for his partner.

It was insane that they actually went after a DEA agent…

But they had.

It was the only explanation.

Javier could not be found. His Jeep was missing.

It was as though he’d…fallen off the face of the Earth…and for the next week, you were stuck in some sort of limbo. Everyone knew he was missing now…but the cartel had been silent. It was assumed he was being held prisoner.

The search for Javier was massive but unsuccessful and you were kept up to date with everything thanks to Murphy and Carrillo. You and Steve didn’t speak about your complete breakdown the week before but he checked on you regularly and you figured Connie returning to the States was part of the reason he didn’t hesitate to seek you out. You hadn’t been close before but now…it appeared that a mutual sense of loss was making you bond. 

You were both missing someone you loved.

You didn’t have to say it out loud.

Steve knew.

Your tears that first day had been answer enough for him.

And as the weekend came to a close, one you’d spent mostly with Steve at the office as he went through wiretaps and you went through various files from the archive, something was dropped off. A guard brought it to Steve and after having Trujillo translate it, Carrillo and Messina were immediately called.

You weren’t quite sure what was going on but Steve came for you about an hour later. He escorted you up to the sala de operaciones where Messina, Carrillo, and Trujillo were already gathered. A TV was set up with a VCR where everyone was gathered, Trujillo holding what was obviously a homemade video cassette.

Messina glanced up as Steve and you walked in, puzzled. “What is she doing here, Murphy?”

You weren’t too familiar with Messina and she wasn’t too familiar with you either and you suddenly felt like you shouldn’t be in here. But Steve’s reassuring hand on your shoulder stopped any idea of you darting out of the room.

“She has a vested interest in being here, boss. She needs to be here,” Steve said firmly. 

Messina glanced over at Carrillo and he only gave a single nod which was apparently enough for her. She nodded and then looked at Trujillo.

“Let’s see it.”

Steve and you walked over to the TV, the blonde DEA agent staying by your side as you all watched the TV flicker to life.

There was static and then…Javier appeared on the screen and you could not stop the gasp that escaped you, your hand rising to cover your mouth. Steve’s hand returned to your shoulder, squeezing lightly.

“Oh, fuck, no,” Messina said.

Carrillo cursed heavily in Spanish.

Javier was in rough shape, one eye completely closed from a nasty hit and a gash covered half his forehead. He was tied to a chair and couldn’t hold his head up for very long, breathing heavily though he was glaring at whoever else was in the room with him with his good eye. But then he looked at the camera and you zoned out, whatever was being said on the tape was white noise to you and the only thing grounding you to that room was Steve’s hand on your shoulder. You didn’t process anything that was being said–all you could focus on was Javier and he did not look away from the camera, even for a second.

Unbeknownst to you, this was a video to show what happened when the cartel was crossed

Javier was being made an example of.

You didn’t hear him being asked for any last words

Everything came rushing back as he started to speak and you heard his voice as he spoke in English, his voice rough and pained.

“Sirenita, I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I don’t know what else I can say other than I don’t know if I hope you see this or not. I wish–”

He was cut off by a cough and blood stained his lips when he spoke again, swallowing thickly.

“I wish…I should’ve told you, when I had-had the chance. I-I love you. F-Forgive me, sirenita.”

His eyes closed for a second, before he continued. “Steve, if you see this, t-take care of her and-and get these motherfuckers. Get Escobar. Get him.”

At the mention of Escobar, the man himself suddenly appeared on screen and he was obviously furious. You couldn’t look away, frozen in horror as you watched the narco hold his fancy ass handgun to Javier’s head then gestured towards the camera wildly with it, speaking in rapid and angry Spanish. 

You zoned out again, focused solely on the man who’d just confessed he loved you and was obviously expecting he was about to die on camera. He kept glaring at Escobar defiantly, daring him to make a move…

He did.

Escobar’s gun was suddenly against the DEA agent’s head and he squeezed the trigger, not even flinching as American blood spattered all over him.

“NO! JAVI!” 

You didn’t even realize that the heart-wrenching scream that suddenly filled the sala de operaciones was yours as you lurched forward towards the TV. Only Steve’s arms around you stopped you, holding you back and against him as he stared at the screen where he just watched his partner be executed. It took a second before he could breathe again, feeling like he’d been punched in the gut and he didn’t even notice as he automatically kept you close as your savage sobs filled the room. 

You sagged against him as your knees started to give out and he continued to hold you as he followed you to the floor. His own knees felt weak.

Messina had both hands covering her mouth as she watched her most senior agent executed on camera and she felt sick. 

Carrillo and Trujillo were the only stoic ones in the room but inside, Carrillo was furious. He’d had his differences with Peña but…he still considered the man a friend and ally and one of the few he trusted…but now he was gone.

He looked away from the TV only after the video had ended and the static returned to the screen. He glanced over at the three Americans in the room, watching as Steve knelt with you as your legs gave out, his arms the only thing holding you up as you sobbed. He felt his resolve to find Escobar become even fiercer now.

Carrillo’s list of names that needed avenging grew by one.

You don’t remember much of what happened after that. 

You do remember that Javier’s body was dumped in front of the Carlos Holguín building a day or two after the video was delivered. 

His body was sent home to Texas almost immediately.

You didn’t even know until after.

You and Steve were immediately put on paid leave and you would both require clear psych evals in order to return to work. Messina was concerned what the mental and emotional trauma of witnessing Agent Javier Peña’s execution/murder was going to do to both of you. But you most of all since you did not have the training or background that Steve had as a DEA agent.

Steve took what his late partner asked of him to heart and followed it to the letter–he didn’t let you stay at your own apartment. He refused to let you be alone and honestly…he didn’t want to be alone himself and so, he had you temporarily move in with him. As roommates and friends–nothing else. He wouldn’t cross that line and he knew you wouldn’t either. 

You’d given yourself completely to Javier Peña even if neither of you’d said it specifically–your heart was still his.

You’d loved him with a love that a person only feels once in their lifetime–and you suspected that was how it had been for Javier, too. 

You still loved him.

But you were numb…perhaps you were still in shock. You knew he was dead, knew he was gone…you didn’t try to pretend otherwise. But you couldn’t move forward.

You were stuck in a loop.

You woke up, showered, ate a minimal breakfast then went about taking care of the apartment so it didn’t return to the disaster zone it had been when Steve had first brought you over. You made lunch. Found something else to do or found a book–you never turned the TV on. Then you or Steve would make some sort of attempt at dinner and then…you’d go to bed.

Steve noticed how you never turned the TV on and he only turned it on when he knew you were good and asleep. At least, until your nightmares would start.

They were nightly until you were prescribed a tranquilizer that Steve made you take every night, religiously. 

Steve tried, at first, to drink it all away…but after you’d reached your breaking point with his constant drunken state and dumped everything alcoholic down the drain…he reconsidered the idea. It took a week or two but he gave up the bottle and instead dove headfirst into trying to find Escobar with the bits of info Carrillo had managed to sneak over to him via Trujillo.

You tried to help but…after you accidentally stumbled across the medical examiner’s report for Javier, you stopped. 

When you called Messina and informed you were requesting a transfer back to the States, Steve felt like you were abandoning him. You’d shared in this trauma together and he fully expected you’d work through it together.

He needn’t have worried–your transfer was denied until you had your psych eval.

You started trying to help Steve again.

And thus…life went on.

It was six months before you finally left Colombia and returned to the States.

You stayed with Steve Murphy up until your final month with Connie’s blessing after he told her what had happened. He finally told her Javier’s fate during her single trip back to the country to reconcile with him. The two of you even had a heart to heart where you assured her that there was no risk of anything happening between you and her husband. You were too broken after losing Javier–and she could see it.

You both returned to the office within a month of Javier’s murder though neither of you were the same. Steve threw himself into finding Escobar and only you knew the true extent he’d gone to. Colonel Carrillo being shot in an ambush and left for dead just after you both returned to work was a contributing factor to the actions and decisions of Steve Murphy. You couldn’t find fault–you’d do the same if you had the ability but…you were not in a position to do so.

So you stayed in the shadows, keeping Steve from going too far off the deep end. 

When your transfer came through and you told him about it, he didn’t get upset like you expected him to. Instead, he hugged you and told you deserved to finally be able to go home…and to see Javier. He knew exactly what you intended to do once you got back Stateside.

He was fucking right.

You called Javier’s father–Chucho–before you left Colombia and the two of you talked for a long while. You now knew where to find Javier.

But there was kink in your plans–you were being sent first to DC then you would be able to report to your new posting in Texas. It was a further three weeks until you were finally able to go to Laredo…

Somehow the drive to Laredo seemed longer than the flight from Colombia but you persevered. You didn’t stop at the hotel you planned to stay at–you went straight to Javier.

Finding him took longer than you cared to admit, failing to remember where Chucho told you he could be found. But when you did…the ghosts of the past set upon you immediately, memories flooding and knocking down the wall you’d built up over the past few months. You tightly gripped the small bunch of wildflowers you’d cut from an obliging field as you approached the carved stone that bore his name, an American flag stuck in the ground next to it.

This was the ‘closest’ you’d been to him since that night…the night he’d all but begged you to confirm you were his as much he was yours. Where he’d all but said he loved you. 

“H-Hey, Javi.”

Your breath hitched and you tried to hold it back–God, you tried, but you couldn’t. You fucking couldn’t.

They came hard and they came fast, bringing you to your knees as you read his name:

Javier Peña
1958 - 1992

The letters blurred as you became blinded by tears and the flowers in your hands fell into the grass that covered his final resting place…

Had you looked up, you would’ve seen a tall, broad man with sun-kissed skin dressed in a familiar leather jacket, tight blue jeans, and button down shirt, wearing yellow aviators. He stood a dozen yards off, watching you as a tear left a shiny trail down his cheek…

“Sirenita.”

You were here and now, he could rest…

But he’d wait for you…on the other side.