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𝘪 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦, 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘳.

𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

that's what the empty had said the first time they were there, trapped in endless darkness, having awoken within five minutes of being there.

they remember the horror deep inside his bones when the empty had said that, they knew that castiel loved the righteous man, dean winchester, and that meant the empty would torment them.

now, cas had seen dean dead, they'd killed thousands of deans for naomi back when the angels were looking for the angel tablet. but somehow, somehow this is worse.

dean suffocates, his love for castiel drowning him each and every time cas even gets a little closer to happiness.

they hate it. dean dies everyday, and there's nothing castiel can do, there's no point in fighting. the empty would just show him something worse.

it's when cas wakes up to a bright light shining down on him when they realise something's off. why wasn't dean dying? why wasn't there the whimpers of sam watching as his brother died because of cas, again.

they were confused when they heard yelling, screams of anger and fear.

they were even more confused when they heard a voice, a voice they had heard for days on end, watching as they died.

𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘯'𝘴

he doesn't know why dean isn't screaming, or why the light is getting brighter, or why there are hands pulling at him until there's nothing left of the darkness.

they don't open their eyes, it's too bright, until they heard the voice again.

dean's.

his eyes shoot open, and instantly fall on dean, who has bags under his eyes, and looks tired as fuck, but otherwise unharmed. alive.

"dean?"

the first words that come out of their mouth is a desperate plea, for this to be real, for the empty to not use dean again, and for it to be over.

but they know it's stupid to hope, it's always stupid to hope in the empty. they know your deepest desires, your wishes. your true love.

they know everything about you.

they know how to weaponize it, to make you see the person you love most dying.

for some, that'll be their family, their significant others, etc.

for cas, it's dean.

for dean, it's cas.

hours have passed, and cas can't stop looking at dean. the way he smiles, the way his eyes twinkle when he laughs. every freckle cas counts.

all to be sure he doesn't lose dean again, all so he can memorise dean's features for when he inevitably dies again.

all to make sure the empty can't take this away from them, not this. they wouldn't lose this.

never.

oh, how fucking wrong they were.

dean, sam and cas are on a hunt, one which involved vampires. they hadn't had a case like this in a while, a milk run dean had said it was.

after god was defeated, and jack became god, cas had learned, sam and dean got easy hunts, like the old days. cas was happy, they were content.

they had also learned of sam's relationship with rowena and eileen. cas was happy for sam, truly. he was glad sam had found someone (or two someones, dean had grinned) to be there for him.

however, he learned dean never settled down, never found anyone. guilt plagued at him, as he remembered their last conversation.

𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵, 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘪 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦.

𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦, 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘯.

𝘪 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

cas knows that dean didn't reciprocate, so why didn't dean go off and find a girl to love, to marry, to have kids with and to grow old with?

cas would never know, but he would always wonder.

the hunt was going great, they managed to find the nest, which they were hiding by a barn with two little kids who they kidnapped.

cas would never understand why people hurt kids, they were innocent and cute.

they managed to take down most of the vamps, yet one cornered cas and when cas tried to use his powers...

he discovered they were gone.

they turned to look at sam, but quickly turned back as the vamp attacked him.

he managed to fight them off for a short while before they were taken down to the ground, being choked.

"s-sam"

cas bit out as the air was shortened in his mouth. they couldn't breathe, everything was fading out.

and suddenly, he was fine. he looked up to see sam, and they gave sam a grateful smile.

sam returned it, before they looked over at dean, who was against the wall, looking pained.

"dean?" sam asked, looking concerned as dean didn't move.

when he did, however, he flinched as a sharp pain spread down his back.

it's then cas realises what dean was against.

a nail. a fucking nail.

sam seems to come to the same conclusion as he jumps into action, going to move dean away, but dean stops him.

"sammy, sam, don't- i don't think i can move from here." dean's voice is strained as he talks, and god, cas wishes he had his powers. he could've healed dean, dean wouldn't be-

𝘥𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨

dean was dying.

and there was nothing cas could do about it but watch as dean said goodbye to sam, the sobs tearing out of sam's chest.

dean was dying.

and cas couldn't move. he was paralysed.

"cas-"

𝘤𝘢𝘴

the nickname dean had given him the moment they had met, even when castiel was a complete stranger, the nickname so used, that when someone referred to him as castiel it surprised him.

the nickname cas had loved hearing dean say.

now, cas hated it.

they hated the way dean's breath shortened as he spoke, the way even just saying a three letter word took a lot out of dean, who was fighting hard enough as it was.

"cas-"

dean is speaking again.

cas isn't listening. all he can think of is how they failed dean. how they couldn't save dean.

"cas- cas- let me-"

dean winces, and for a moment cas wants to tell him to shut up, that jack will come and will save him, but he knows it's pointless. jack was busy in heaven, fixing it.

he probably didn't know dean was dying.

"cas, i'm- i'm sorry. i- you died- went to empty- for me-"

his words are shorter now, and cas knows they're running out of time.

"i love you."

𝘪 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶

fuck. fuck, cas wants to scream. they want to cry, to break down. now he understood what dean must have felt, the pain, the worry, the anger.

"dean, no, please you have to stay awake. i can't lose you, not now not ever. please, dean, i need you." cas finally speaks, and his voice is desperate.

all they can think of is the thousands of time's he's done this before.

in the empty.

the difference?

he knows this is real.

𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘯, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘥, 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭? 𝘸𝘦 𝘢𝘳𝘦.

"cas-cas, i'm sorry. i- i can't"

𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴, 𝘤𝘢𝘴.

𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘣𝘺𝘦, 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘯.

"goodbye, dean."

they say, and they're reminded of before.

of when it was cas saying goodbye to dean, knowing he'd never see dean again.

and, well, here he is.

saying goodbye to dean winchester.

dean's voice stops, hand falling to the ground, eyes shut. cas knows.

dean is gone.

and he's never coming back.

it's been days, and cas hasn't left the bunker. he can't. not when they have nothing to leave for.

sam had rowena and eileen.

who did cas have?

𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘱𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵. 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘪 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘪𝘵?

𝘪 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦. 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶?

the only person he did have was gone. he had nothing left.

they had sam, of course, but cas couldn't burden sam with this. not when sam was doing so much better, even after days of grieving.

cas wishes he could be like sam.

but he wasn't.

he was just a shell.

broken by the righteous man.

lost.

𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘭 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘪𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘭, 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵.

three months go by.

cas is the same.

he tried seeing someone else, to move on, but they couldn't.

they couldn't forget dean. ever.

𝘪 𝘥𝘰. 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦, 𝘱𝘢𝘭.

𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘪 𝘨𝘰𝘯𝘦?

𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘥𝘢𝘮𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨

god, cas wishes he could've hugged dean tighter, kept him closer. protected him from what was coming.

he couldn't, he never could.

castiel spends the night in dean's room.

𝘤𝘢𝘴?

𝘯𝘰, 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘯.

𝘤𝘢𝘴! 𝘤𝘢𝘴! 𝘤𝘢𝘴!

cas can srill hear dean's voice calling out his name, and he awakens, looking for the older winchester, when he realises.

dean isn't here anymore.

𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴, 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨.

𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘩 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶

𝘪 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘰𝘯

cas remembers the fight like it was yesterday, dean telling them he was dead to him.

it stung. cas had never thought something like that would ever come out of dean's mouth, but it did.

he doesn't wanna remember that.

𝘤𝘢𝘴? 𝘤𝘢𝘴, 𝘪 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘮𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦.

𝘪 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥'𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘪 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘰, 𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘥𝘮𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨.

𝘪- 𝘰𝘩𝘩. 𝘪 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘪 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘴𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺. 𝘪 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸- 𝘪 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘵'𝘴- 𝘪-𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦. 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘨𝘰 𝘣𝘢𝘥, 𝘪𝘵 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵- 𝘪𝘵 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘵. 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵- 𝘪 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘪𝘵, 𝘯𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘪 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰, 𝘪 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘪𝘵.

𝘢𝘯𝘥- 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪- 𝘪 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦 𝘪 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘪'𝘮 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘮𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨- 𝘪'𝘮 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘭 𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘪𝘵. 𝘤𝘢𝘴, 𝘪'𝘮- 𝘪'𝘮 𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺. 𝘮𝘢𝘯, 𝘪 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘮𝘦.

he could. he heard every word of dean's prayer, and to admit he cried. he cried because dean forgave him, his best friend forgave him.

it's what he needed, what he wanted to feel.

he couldn't, or the empty would come.

so he didn't let it phase him, he buried it down.

cas wants to cry. he wants someone to tell him it's alright to cry, to be sad. dean was gone, had been for months, and cas loved him.

so why does he feel bad for being sad? why do they feel so many things at once when they've never felt before?

one answer.

dean winchester.

𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦. 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥, 𝘪 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥. 𝘪 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘪 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘴𝘢𝘮, 𝘪 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦, 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘯.

dean changed castiel for the better. now, because of dean, cas is able to fall in love. with humanity, with the world.

because of dean, cas found someone he can call his own, his love.

castiel would never forget dean, but dean would want cas to move on, to be happy and have their own life.

so they did.

october 14, 2034, castiel married mick davies.

they were happy.