Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jisung’s mother threw open his bedroom door to find him still asleep on his first day of the new school.

“Jisung! Wake up mister, you’re late for school, come on, up.” She snapped at him.

“Mmm ok, I’m up” a delirious Jisung replied while raising his head from the comfort of his pillow to only squint his eyes at the sun that glared through between the curtains. He wasn’t excited to go to school, as he knew it would most likely end up like every other school he had been too. Bullying, bullying, and more bullying. Jisung has gotten used to being deemed the new kid due to always moving schools, but it didn’t mean it was any easier for him. Every time he met new people he always wondered when the time came until they found out how disappointingly annoying and weird he is. Sighing with a yawn he picked up his phone, it read 7:30am. The squirrel boy’s eyes widened as the realisation hit him. “Shit! I’m late,” he panicked. Sprang up from (in his words) the most comfortable place on earth and bolted across his room grabbing onto his freshly new iron school uniform. The uniform was a blazer mainly yellow with black add-on features. The sweater underneath shared the same colours, and for summer there was a white buttoned up undershirt with the school’s emblem on the left-hand side of the front. Jisung’s first thought when seeing the uniform from a few days ago was Bee colours? Honeycomb? I wouldn’t mind some honeycomb ice-cream, anyway I’m gonna look so cute in this. Jisung hurriedly washed his face while wondering how too style his hair and if he should bother with make-up. A sweet cream buttery scent caught him by surprise when he started styling his hair knowing the familiar scent; anticipation shocked his body. A nice lingering vanilla scent engulfed his nostrils while he swung his bag over his shoulder while checking the mirror and fidgeting with his face one last time to make sure he looked presentable. He raised one eyebrow and shot up a finger gun to himself.

“Looking good, Han Jisung.” He flirted with himself. Smirking Jisung skipped down the stairs and was met with his favourite breakfast, but he already knew that. Pancakes with freshly chopped strawberries.
“Thanks, mum!” He felt his right leg starting to bounce at first he thought it was that he was excited for breakfast, but then his thoughts suddenly pointed out the obvious that he should be panicking about first day at school. To push away his thoughts, he decided that the chocolate sauce bottle needed an emptying because the next thing he did was drown his pancake and strawberries with it.
“Hurry up and eat your going – Jisung! I’m going to stop buying that if you use it like that. ” She scolded. Jisung ducked his head with a guilty smile while closing the cap of chocolate topping bottle.

…

8:15am

Where is the administration office? Jisung wondered while looking at his surroundings, the entrance gate and walls of the school were a faded white. In front of the walls there were small yet, well maintained hedges. There also was some old rusty bike racks on the left just as you enter the school. Jisung spotted a boy locking up his bike. This boy seemed tall, handsome and had long black hair. As Jisung got closer he started hearing angry mumbles.

“Hey! Do you think you can show me where the administration office is?” Jisung asked with a big gummy smile. In hopes that this boy would not see through him and declare him a freak at first sight, but he held some hope that he might met someone as weird as himself. The Black-haired kid jerked from the sudden interaction, but his face held features that didn’t quite suit the hostile look his was displaying.

“Tsk, find it yourself, I’m running late for class” The black-haired kid spat almost simultaneously the bell rang. “Shit, I’m going to get scolded at, again. All thanks to you”. He emphasised the point of it being Jisung fault. Jisung was perplexed and curled into himself. At least it was better than being branded as a freak, but Jisung knew that everyone in the school would find out sooner or later that he is just weak and annoying. Once Jisung processed the boy’s words he huffed and then took a deep breathe ready to argue but then noticed a mole under his eye and became frustratedly fixated on it to the point his mind calmed a little. Making sure to not get too riled up again he let the air that filled his mouth out slowly, “don’t stare. Creep!” dramatically the boy crossed his arms over his chest with a gasp. Jisung lowered his head feeling heat flush his cheeks and knew that the other boy could see his ears turn red. Horrified Jisung didn’t realise he had been staring at the boy and didn’t know what to say or do except for the most normal response he could think of.

“Sorry!” Jisung heard no satisfied puffs or thank you’s that he excepted the boy to respond with instead Jisung looked up and found the boy gone. Jisung was left alone wondering around until he finally found the administration office. He felt relieved after finding the office, as he thought he would be wondering around like a lost squirrel trying to find his nuts for the rest of the day.

“Han Jisung, I am your principal, and this is a prestigious school with well-behaved students I hope you find it enjoyable and learn many valuable lessons you can take through life. Here is a map of the school, your timetable and your locker code and number.”

“Thank you, sir.” Jisung bowed out of respect. So far first impressions aren’t too great and well-behaved students by ass. Jisung hid a grimaced emotion that flashed over his face instead he turned to leave the administration office and start heading to his first class. Which was English and he really liked English because since he studied it before in Malaysia before moving to Korea. It was one subject that he prided himself in as he spent a lot of time trying to incorporate English in his song writing.

Jisung reached his classroom, room 2-5. He knocked on the door and an adult male answered it, he was a westerner, maybe American Jisung thought, the teacher had short healthy blonde hair and sky-blue eyes. “Come on in.” he said in English.

“Yes sir, I am glad to be in your class” Jisung answered back in English while bowing. The teacher smiled proudly while nodding. Jisung hoped that this class would be forgiving unlike the last class he was in; where they alienated him into the back corner and once it came to partnering up he was last to be picked.

“Your English pronunciation sounds on point. I think we will get along,” he praised Jisung. The complement forced a smile to beam from Jisung and no matter how much he wanted to stop and seem humbler. He couldn’t. “Take a seat next to…Minho.” The boy named Minho jerked in surprise when the teacher said his name, but then he threw his head back, slumped his shoulders and rolled his eyes to the back of his head once he realised why. Jisung made his way towards his seat. Jisung’s new seat wasn’t at the back of the classroom but the second row, forth column from the door. Minho seat next to the window in the fifth column.

“Hi! I’m Jisung. I hope we can be good friends.” Jisung leaned over cupping his hand to the side of his mouth to whispered to Minho. Jisung prayed that he could stay optimistic enough to at least make the first few days good until people start realising how much of a freak he is, although it pained Jisung to think like this he couldn’t find another option. Minho closed his eyes and took a deep breathe, once his eyes were revealed again he proceeded with another eye roll, then finally stared emotionlessly at the chalkboard ignoring Jisung altogether. Jisung thought maybe he just didn’t hear properly. “Lee Minho, that’s a cool name.” Jisung complimented as he glanced at Minho’s name tag. “What are your hobbies? Mine is playing guitar, producing music, and watching movies while eating cheesecake or chocolate cake.” Jisung spoke a little louder this time; Jisung spoke as excitedly as he could in hopes not to be awkward and come across boring.

“You’re so loud, annoying and you have a way of speaking that makes me want to throw up just within these first moments of meeting you.” Minho answered in the same tone but in a sarcastic and lethargic way, but he was clearly mocking the younger while he also lazily tilted his head towards the direction of the other. Man, is every student going to be rude? At least they aren’t fake and deceitful like the other students from my old school. Being my friend and then deciding to spread my lyrics across the school about my problems at home. Jisung felt a shiver as he started reliving some past trauma he didn’t notice Minho looking at his eyes which seemed to be filled with dread and panic.

“Psst, don’t mind Minho he is always a grumpy bum. Hehehe.” Someone behind the two whispered loudly which snapped Jisung out of his trance. “Oh, silly me I forgot to introduce myself, I’m Felix. I am the ace of this class, and your English seems really good; I’m from Australia, so my Korean isn’t the best.” Felix rumbled on with his introduction. Jisung was surprised how deep his voice was. Jisung’s stomach started feeling lighter.

“Nice to meet you Felix, I’m Han Jisung and wow! you’re Australian and man, your voice does not fit your face at all. I’m so jealous that your voice is so deep, I love aussie” Jisung said happily while at the end holding his hands up in fists with his thumb and pinky fingers extended and shaking his hands. Jisung felt a bubbly kick to the atmosphere, and he felt tension he didn’t know relax from his shoulders. This boy- Felix made him feel something smoothing and it’s unlike anyone else has ever made him feel.

“Hey since your new, I will show you around and you can hang out with us, oh my birthday is coming up and you should so come.” Felix invited Jisung. Jisung surprised with the sudden invitation which wasn’t something he thought you would do as of just meeting someone, but then it occurred to him that his birthday is coming up too.

“Really?! Your birthday, when is it?” Jisung tilted his head curiously. Excitement built up within Jisung, as he hasn’t had anyone invite him to a birthday before except one time which was meant to be his surprise birthday party but ended in a disaster he tried to focus on what Felix was going to say next. In Malaysia everyone thought he was weird therefore he became an outsider, but this time it was feeling different. He would stop at nothing to have friends and not go back to being a loner.

“15th of this month.” Felix said without hesitation, a sense of pride surrounded him.

“No freaking way, my birthday is the 14th of this month, you and I are like...”

“…twins.”

“That’s what I was gonna say. LOL”

“Oh brother, there are two of them”. Minho rolled his eyes once again and cringed at the scene that just unfolded.

“Party pooper, you’re just jealous.” Felix yelled in retaliation.

“Quiet down, I’m teaching English not throwing a party. Now answer the grammar questions on page 46, is that understood.” The teacher raised his voice at the boys.

“Yes, sir” they said simultaneously with panic and embarrassment flushing their faces.

…

From the entrance of cafeteria Jisung could see how crowded it was and begun to feel even more anxious. He looked around seeing many groups forming at west side of the place a huge group of girls were giggling and gossiping with each other glancing at the table he was headed for with Felix guiding him. Another group caught his eye near the line-up area for food on the opposite side being the south side of the cafeteria and the table they were situated at happened to be right next to the line-up area. Jisung was snapped out of his trance of observing the cafeteria when Felix spoke.

“Everyone this is Jisung. He is new and will hang out with us from now on.” Felix announced.

“Hi. Changbin.” Changbin introduced himself.

“What?!” Jisung asked, confused about the statement presented. Jisung noticed that this boy was shorter than him but, acted like the boss. Is he the leader of this friend group? He seems like it but then again why should I care it’s not like I’m going to be here long as once they all realise how different I am they won’t give me a second glance. Jisung thought.

“Ugh, my name is Changbin.” The eye roll the shorter- Changbin made reminded Jisung of Minho, but Jisung noticed Changbin’s attention kept being drawn over near the group near the line-up for food during introductions. Jisung finally grasped that Changbin was introducing himself. Jisung felt a little upset with himself for misunderstanding Changbin.

“Oh, nice to meet you. Hehehe.”

“Oi, you are the new guy that made me late for class today.” A black-haired boy shouted in annoyance from across the table. Jisung snapped his head and was met with the same boy with a mole under his eye and this time didn’t hesitate to argue due to some unknown form of confidence.

“Hey! I didn’t make you late. You were already late, pretty boy.” Jisung argued with a pout. I gotta watch out; this guy is definitely gonna make trouble. Jisung noted. Jisung couldn’t understand his newfound self-confidence but in an instance it was lost when he met Minho’s eyes and he felt his legs turn into jelly because of the icy stare. Jisung felt himself gulp. Does he know that I’m a freak that I’m annoying and hard to tolerate? Does he know I’m just a weak link people like to manipulate? Does he know that I say things without realising and end up hurting others because of it? Jisung Focus. Deep breathes. Try not think.

“Minnie, the new kid is patronising me.” The pretty boy wined.

“Hyunjin stop being a baby and that’s a big word for you.” Seungmin ordered him rolling his eyes.

“but Minnie you don’t understand- Hey! You’re doing it too.” Hyunjin dramatically threw his arms up in the air only to smash them against his thighs. He looked like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

“Hyunjin are you sure this guy made you late or were you already late like usual?” Changbin glared at him while restating Jisung’s first argument. Seungmin frowned at Hyunjin, while Hyunjin panicked forgetting all about the kind insults and started backing away with his hands up in defence.

“Minnie it’s not like tha-

“Hey guys!” A sudden voice behind Jisung made him jump. “I just made a few modifications onto the new track that I need opinions on, but it still needs a lot of work.” A pale burette announced while greeting everyone with a small wave.

“Channie, about time you got here, we have a new friend named Jisung.” Felix explained to the older to get off the previous topic.

“I’ll talk with you later” Seungmin whispered angrily to Hyunjin. Seungmin’s death glare caused Hyunjin to develop visible goosebumps even Jisung saw. Jisung noted never to make Seungmin mad.

“Oh! Hi there. I’m Bang Chan but everyone calls me Chan.” Chan Introduced himself.

“Or daddy~” Minho interrupts quite proudly at his statement as he sat back with a satisfied smirk. But then was met with a cold stare from Bang Chan resulting in Minho’s eyes to dart away and focus his attention elsewhere but was brought right back with Felix’ question. Confused Jisung tried to ignore that comment just made by Minho, as it was very weird. Weird. It was weird. Oh my- maybe, just maybe I might have found people as weird as me. Jisung hoped that wishful thinking wasn’t getting the best of him.

“Where is I.N.?” Felix asked looking around. “Is he not with you today?”

“He’s too sick today.” Chan’s smile faded; his eyes fixated on the ground with a puzzled look.

“Poor Innie.” Felix sighed solemnly. “I hope that he gets better soon.”

“What’s wrong with him?” Jisung asked innocently. Everyone gave sideways glances. They must care a lot about this I.N. kid. I hope I’ll have people talk and think about me like that one day. Jisung started to pounder on that notion before the least likely person he thought would speak up; did.

“He gets sick easily.” Minho answered bluntly but his sunken eyes seemed distant Jisung thought if he peered closer maybe they would depict the sensitive information everyone was clearly too afraid to converse about. Jisung stopped himself from staring and scanned everyone’s faces. The mood had changed. It had gone from cheerful and mischievous to awkward and dull. I need to think of something else to talk about. Quickly. Jisung’s eyes caught Chan’s and thankfully realised that he wanted to show the track. Jisung has been studying music and was excited that if he is to trust and become friends with this group he will have common interests.

“Hey, What about this new track?” Jisung tired steered the conversation elsewhere which appeared to work as Chan’s faced seemed to brighten at the mention of the track.

“I thought you would never ask, it’s a little project I have been working on, I call it elevator to hell.” Chan said, full of anticipation to everyone’s reaction while he started playing it.

“Changbin and I created the chord progression and key and manipulated the synthesizers and other instruments to form the melody and story. Also, thank you Seungmin for the help with vocals” Chan explained the process.
“No problem.” Seungmin replied.

“WOW! Channie, Binnie and Minnie this sounds amazing. Felix jumped energetically. Changbin folded his arms across his chest looked down and smiled to himself. He looked like a proud king fisher small and tough but has a soft touch about him. Jisung couldn’t believe it, The harmonies were memorising and the angelic voice of Seungmin was unexpectedly the best voice he might have ever heard while also the rap parts were astonishing and sounded familiar to Jisung.

“Thanks Felix, Hehe.” Chan scratched the back of his head shyly due to the compliment.

“Hmm. You guys are really talented, like it sounds incredible, but can I put in some input?” Jisung nervously asked.

“Sure, it’s good to have criticism sometimes it makes you better.” Chan answered with a slightly higher tone than normal.

“Well, your lyrical melody doesn’t make sense also, you really need a good beat put in there. I could help edit it for you. I’m studying music right now. I use SoundCloud as my distributor my name is J.one.” Jisung pleaded. Jisung started to regret his offer of helping in case he made a fool of himself and regretted revealing his SoundCloud name even more because it gave them a perfect resource to point out his insecurities and make him relive his trauma.

“Oh my god, of course and hold up YOU’RE J.one I’ve heard of you. Your rapping and singing is amazing; really love the style. Also, Changbin and I studying music too.” Chan brought out his laptop. Jisung was dumbfounded he wasn’t expecting complements or them to already know who he was and saying that he could help. Jisung noticed Chan’s laptop and saw the hard drives and storage systems on the back. He must work hard if he needs that much space on his laptop. However, Jisung was excited and looking forward to working with them he couldn’t help shake a dreaded sinking feeling of his stomach when he thought that they might just be like his old school mates pretending. Jisung tired his best to avoid those thoughts.

“Thank you, cool laptop and I guess I’ll be seeing you in Music class then.” Jisung commented.

“Thanks, Hehehe. And yes, also Changbin and I are on SoundCloud too CB97 and SPEARB” Chan giggled.

“No way, I know you guys. You guys are like the best. I hope I can help in the best way I can.” Jisung stunned by the fact he loved these guys’ music and he tried to radiate confidence by fixing his posture and raising his head up. But he could feel heat rise up in his cheeks. I must have sounded so dumb to them. No Han don’t think this way. You get to be friends with two awesome musicians. Calm down. Jisung didn’t want to think about them being like his old school bullies. He felt hope shine on his darkened world for the first time he really wanted to believe that he would finally have good friends.

“Hey! it’s the weekend tomorrow so do you guys wanna do something?” Felix asked. Jisung shocked again resulting in almost doing an amine fall as this is the second time Felix has been so straight forward and inviting.

“We can have a sleepover at mine and Jisung you can help with the song then.” Chan offered.

“Yes, let’s do that” Felix shouted with joy.

“I would love too. But I gotta ask my mum first.” Jisung said excitedly but that excitement died right when the bell rang for his next class.

“Oh no, I have math next, ugh, I suck at math” Jisung wined with his eyebrows knitted together in frustration.

“It’s okay me too, what class are you in?” Felix sided with him.

“Class 3-1, How about you?” Jisung asked with a hopeful glinted in his eyes.

“We aren’t in the same class, but Minho is in that class.” Felix said pressing his lips together in a forceful smile with clenching his teeth.

“Aww that’s too bad Felix I really wanted to be in the same class.” Jisung placed his hand on Felix’ shoulder and gave a small, forced smile and turned over to where Minho was sitting. “Minho! We should walk to class together.” Jisung cheered. He was still disappointed that he couldn’t be in the same class as Felix but had to stay optimistic.

“No.” Minho said with a flat tone and started walking to class.

“Cya Felix.” Jisung shouted behind him while following Minho. There was a brief moment of awkward silence between the two. Man, this will be a great time to get to know Minho. “So, you never told me your hobbies. You know so much about me, but I know only your name.” I hope he and I can be good friends but, he always seems so sad. Can I trust him? Does he want to be friends?

“Let’s keep it that way” Minho said bluntly and while Jisung stopped walking out of shock Minho didn’t stop, didn’t look back and didn’t care. Once Jisung came back from his perplexed state he slowly followed behind Minho, walking lethargically while giving the back of Minho a grimace glare. Why does he think he is better than everyone else? Always negative. He is too hot; therefore, his personality lacks but, what would I know? He might just hate me because I’m a freak. Still, I refuse to be ignored. Jisung pondered away while still holding Minho to a death glare.

…

The whole math class Jisung had trouble focusing. He couldn’t understand a thing. His blood was boiling but refused to ask Minho for help. I still have my pride. Humph. A couple girls looked at Jisung, then whispered something to each other and giggled a bit after realising Jisung had been watching. One of the girls waved shyly. Jisung waved back slightly taken a back, he knew he was hot but getting attention like this on his first day was unexpected, besides once they knew how much of a freak he was. They wouldn’t care a glance. Jisung then heard a scoff next to him.

“They only want to know you because they want to hang out with the group. Especially hang out with Chan and Felix. We are one of the most popular groups at the school. Tsk. I can’t believe you didn’t even notice. You’re dumber than you look.” Minho snorted after commenting savagely.

“Yah, you can’t say that. I’m not dumb.” Jisung retaliated. “Why do you always think you are better than everyone?” This is the last time he makes me feel terrible- the last time anyone makes me feel that way. I’m tired of being bullied. I’m tired of being picked on and I will fight back. He finally over-stirred the pot but now my blood has boiled over and you shall burn. Minho! I declare you as my enemy. How dare he call me dumb after ignoring me and being a total douche. Jisung’s mind raged.

“Because I am better then everyone. People are disgusting.” Minho argued looking directing at the heated flames within Jisung’s eyes without faltering.

“Then why does the group still hang around you? Do you even care about them?” Jisung argued back. Minho kept quiet. Jisung left a foul taste in his mouth because of his statement. He knew that wasn’t nice because he knew that if Minho had said something like that it would’ve hurt. Jisung didn’t want to be the one turned into the bully but at the same time he wouldn’t be walked all over. Jisung swallowed hard and realised they had gained some attention from the class, fortunately the teacher had left the room to grab a few textbooks. Jisung continued glaring at Minho for the rest of the lesson but with a hint of regret pinching his heart.

…

“Mum! You wouldn’t believe this guy; he was so full of himself and didn’t care about anyone and the other guy with the mole under his eye was a lunatic trying to blame me for being late, aish. At least I met some good people like Felix, Chan, Changbin and Seungmin, they all love music too.” Jisung rumbled on and on about his day.

“That’s lovely sweetie that your day was eventful, and it sounds like you made some good friends.” His mother replied while hanging out the laundry. Jisung started to head inside to change out of his uniform and freshen up but then turned around back towards his mother.

“Mum! I forgot to ask, can I go to Chan’s tomorrow and sleepover? I’ll be safe I promise.” Jisung pleaded.

“Only once your chores are finished.” Jisung’s mum allowed but had a looked of worry.

“Yes mum! thank you so much. I’ll be fine. They make me feel included.” Jisung flashed the biggest gummy smile ever as if reassuring his mother. Yes! I gotta text Felix. Good thing we swapped numbers. He then travelled inside and proceeded to skip up the stairs. Giddiness coursed through his body giving the boy too much energy. Jisung threw down his black (Never die, Feelenuff) shoulder bag on his bed, then he pulled his iPhone out of his back pocket and sat cross-legged on his carpeted room floor.

Twin – Lixie 🐥💖

Today 4:15pm

Han: Hey Lixie! My mum said I can sleepover tomorrow night

Felix: Hannie that’ great! I will send you Chan’s number and address

Han: Thanks bro

Felix: No Probs. Yo Hannie I was thinking we should combine our birthdays for one big party next weekend, that would be cool right?

Han: Sweet sounds swag Lix 👌👌👌👌

Felix: Also, Hannie. I prefer phone calls…Next time can we talk because I prefer to hear people’s voices so I can hear their tone ya know?

Han: All good, yeah sure thing. Well I better motivate myself to do some homework haha. Still upset getting homework first day. 😣

Felix: Okay goodluck cya later.👋

Felix put the phone down and continued mixing his ingredients. “I hope they like the brownies.” He said aloud in his empty tiny run-down apartment, but his smile never faulted because all he could think about was how happy he will make his friends with yummy food tomorrow. I hope especially Hannie will like them. He was also happy to make a new friend that he might like a bit too much.

…

Seungmin aggressively grabbed the sleeve of Hyunjin’s blue collared shirt which made him looked older. “Hyunjin. This is a bad idea. I’ve told so many times that we will get caught. I don’t even want to be here.”

“Then go back to the dorm. Listen Seung. I like partying with my friends, and you like to…well…study. So, I don’t even understand why you bother coming.” The stung Seungmin. Seungmin knew he studied a lot, but he had other interests too.

“These guys aren’t your friends Hyunjin. These college students are just using you I bet if I wasn’t here you would already be…” Seungmin in a hushed voice trailed off when he saw one of the college students that was supposedly Hyunjin’s ‘friend’ approached.

“Everything good? We are heading in.” He smirked while looking Hyunjin up and down. Seungmin felt bile rise into the back of his throat followed by some pent-up anger but tried to subside it as best as possible for Hyunjin’s sake.

“Yep all good.” Hyunjin sounded upbeat. “We will be there in one minute.” The college student went back to the small group. “Listen Seung. Just go home if you’re going to be like this.” Seungmin’s chest suddenly felt heavy at the thought of leaving Hyunjin alone in a club with no one but those jocks. Seungmin let out a beep breathe as if he gave up.

“No. I’ll come in and enjoy the club.” Seungmin lied with a small, forced smile, but it seemed to be enough for Hyunjin to return a smile and start making his way towards his college ‘friends’ with a skip in his step. We all joined the line-up and arrived at the entrance to a bouncer who wore a suit and held a stone like face. He judged Seungmin and Hyunjin up and down then faced the same college student that asked to hurry up before. Seungmin remembered his name being Junho. Junho took the bouncer’s hand while slipping something in it then proceeded to whisper something, thus resulting in the bouncer letting all of them in.

Seungmin stepped into the club. There were strobe lights cascading and mind-numbing vibrations coming up from the floor projected by the huge speakers that were circling around the venue. There was a dance floor and a DJ area on the east side of the building while a neon lit bar at the opposite. Seungmin couldn’t hear himself think because of the noise. He decided right there that he refused to go to another club with Hyunjin but then it dawned on him that Hyunjin would be left alone and if anything happened to Hyunjin while he wasn’t looking out for him – a pre-guilt wrapped around Seungmin’s throat. When Seungmin turned to Hyunjin he found the older gone. Seungmin wide-eyed drastically searched the crowd and stumbled on Hyunjin with a drink in his hand.

“Hyunjin!” Seungmin strained his voice in order to gain the elder’s attention. The stench of alcohol started giving Seungmin a stabbing pain at the back of his head and the obnoxious loud music wasn’t helping. “I feel dizzy. I’m going to sit down near the sitting area.” Seungmin didn’t know whether or not Hyunjin heard him, but Seungmin was pre-occupied in not fainting. Have I drunk enough water today? I know I have. Am I overtired? What’s wrong with me? I haven’t been spiked because I haven’t had anything- oh it’s probably lack of food. I didn’t eat at lunch because of meeting Jisung. Seungmin thought but his thoughts made the headache pound fiercer. Seungmin held his head and drop to the chair. He noticed his breathing had become shaky and shallow. It hurts. Seungmin groaned. His head felt light and when he looked up everything was spinning. What’s happening? I can’t breathe. Panting with his eyes feeling heavy it encouraged him to close them and sleep, but Seungmin couldn’t. He stopped moving he tried not to think but if he did he made sure it was simple thoughts. Deep breathes. Stop panicking. Come on, in for 4. Hold. Out for 4. After what felt like forever of getting his breathing under control his headache became bearable.

Seungmin finally stood up and his legs were a little wobbly, but after walking a few steps toward the dance floor he started gaining more strength. He wanted to find Hyunjin and leave. Seungmin came across Junho.

“Have you seen Hyunjin?” Seungmin yelled in a sharp tone full of resent towards to college student. How could Hyunjin be ‘friends’ with this guy. He seems so lame with girls hanging off his arms. A real Chad. Tsk. Disgusting. Junho pointed towards the backdoors near the bar. Seungmin didn’t say anything or look at Junho after his eye landed on Hyunjin standing around a group of people. Seungmin sprinted towards that area but there were so many people he couldn’t avoid bumping into a couple. All the sweaty bodies that rubbed up against each other made the temperature feel 10 degrees hotter than usual. He made it to the group with Hyunjin and overheard the conversation that was being practically shouted.

“Come on. Slip out with us and come grab just one joint. Don’t wuss out. You wanna be one of us after all.” The guy who spoke had his arm around Hyunjin and held a lustful smirk. Seungmin was standing behind them and saw the guy start sliding his hand down Hyunjin’s back, before anymore thinking Seungmin acted. He grabbed Hyunjin’s arm and yanked him backwards while smacking the other guy’s hand away. Don't fucking touch him with your filthy hands. Seungmin felt himself almost practically hiss in disgust towards the group.

“Hands off. Don’t touch him.” Seungmin took in how shocked all there faces were except the guy who had himself around Hyunjin. His smirk didn’t leave his face instead playfully widened. His eyes peered excitedly at Seungmin as if it was a sign of accepting a challenge. Fucking freak, he makes me sick.

“Now. Now. You’re a feisty one aren’t you?” His smoky but calm voice asked. I need to get Hyunjin out of here. I need to get out of here.

“Stay away from us.” Seungmin didn’t dare spare another moment before tugging Hyunjin away. Hyunjin seemed slightly surprised at the scene Seungmin had made. He heard the group murmur some things, but the music was too loud for it to be audible. He was silent until he forced them out the front door and a few metres away from the club itself as if making sure he was far enough away from the suffocating atmosphere. “Hyunjin. We are going home. I’m tired and feel sick. Please. Can we go.” Seungmin cursed his voice for hitching when he said please, and felt tears prick his eyeline as he begged. He didn’t want to turn to face Hyunjin because it would be heart-breaking to see the disappointment and resentfulness on Hyunjin’s face.

“Minnie.” Seungmin listened carefully. “I’m sorry.” Hyunjin started to break down. What!? Seungmin turned around by the shock of a sudden apology. “I was so scared. I thought I could handle it but that guy he was so scary, and something didn’t feel right, and my chest started hurting. I didn’t know where you were. I thought something bad happened or that you just had enough and left me.” Tears plummeted down his red face from the confession. “I thought you left me.” Hyunjin mumbled which faltered into sobs while grabbed onto Seungmin's shirt to brace himself from falling.

“I would never leave you. Jinnie. You’re my best friend. My brother. How could I ever think of doing that” Guilt caught Seungmin as matter of factly he had thought about leaving then knew he wouldn’t, but just having the thought was bad enough to cause Seungmin to feel disgusted with himself. If guilt was a person right there and then it would have slit Seungmin’s throat and cut his wrists. Seungmin swallowed harshly then proceeded into bringing a sobbing Hyunjin into a hug. “Let’s go home and get you some water. You know you’re very emotional.” Seungmin teased.

“Shut up. Smartass. I’m just tipsy.” Hyunjin buried himself further into Seungmin’s jumper. “Thank you.” If Seungmin haven’t been paying all of his attention on Hyunjin he would have missed the whisper of gratefulness.

…

Changbin sat on the bright red cough. Man, Chan you need to really think harder about your décor. Changbin thought while Chan was tapping away at his laptop on the desk in front of him. “So, what’s your opinion on our new addition?” Changbin lifted an intrigued eyebrow, as he patiently waited for Chan’s answer.

“I think that he will fit in perfectly. Like a puzzle piece we have been missing you know. I mean he is J.One after all.” Chan’s dimples showed from the smirk. He needs sleep. He has bags under his eyes. I guess nothing knew, but still...

“Yeah. I guess but don’t you think you we be more careful when allowing people to join. I mean Hyunjin and Seungmin just started hanging with us 6 months ago and Felix just arrived the other month from Australia. What about that group. Do you think they might try anything? Aren’t you worried Chan?” Changbin started rumbling on with his concerns.

“Bin, slow down. That group hasn’t pulled anything since last year. I’m sure that it’s in the clear now. Besides they know if they tried anything I wouldn’t hesitate to introduce them to the new hospital that had just been built.” Changbin felt a shiver with Chan’s last sentence. You can be a little scary sometimes. Changbin thought. Chan was someone who would protect his friends at any cost, but the dangers we are confronted with may be another story. That group…Changbin clenched his fists to stop shaking. Only Lee Know really knows the horror of that group. How they haven’t been caught, he doesn’t know. Maybe lack of evidence. Changbin wants to tell everyone to stay away from them but if he pointed at them then everyone would question him why. Lee Know doesn’t want anyone to know but it was his story to tell when or if the time comes. Changbin and Chan swore not to tell anyone.

“Just if they got a hold Felix his innocence would be crushed; Hyunjin would become mundane; Seungmin wouldn’t trust anyone again, I don’t Jisung yet, but his confidence would be shattered and I.N. he…”

“Bin, You’re doing it again.” Chan held a concerned and stern look.

“Sorry.” Changbin bowed his head. He knew that he spiralled a lot. He was thankful for Chan, he was calming and always gave the right advice. “I’m just worried.”

“I am too but there's no point in stressing but instead let’s trust everyone else. Besides if Lee Know saw anyone of them near that group he would tell us.” Changbin felt comfort in Chan’s reassurance. “Felix texted me that Jisung will come tomorrow. I guess that’s a good sign. Him and Felix get a long so well.” Chan giggled while bringing his fist up to cover his mouth.

“Yeah. Are you picking up I.N. from his check-up tomorrow again?” Changbin asked curiously with concern making sure to pick up on the subtle hint of wanting to change the subject.

“Yep. Then I’ll pick up Yuna after to bring them here before the party.” Chan informed. Changbin felt a weird sense of dread overcome him with knowing that Yuna will be at the party tomorrow. Changbin never liked her because she is disrespectful and has no principles. Changbin huffed in annoyance. “What?! Is something wrong with inviting my girlfriend to the party?”

“No…just does I.N. know?” Chan blinked a sideways glance which radiated guilt. BangChan you are so blind. This girl just uses you. “Tsk. You should’ve told him. I’m guessing she doesn’t know either.” Chan didn’t – more like couldn’t look directly into Changbin’s eyes. “Chan! Seriously? You need to communicate more efficiently. Aish.” Changbin took a moment to let the disappoint and frustration leave his body. He took a deep breathe. “Imma head out now. I got to run an errand for Mr. Seo’s company.”

“Why don’t you just say your father’s company?” Chan collapsed his eyebrows together.

“I won’t. He really fucked up. You know that.” Changbin shouted more in irritation then anger towards Chan. Chan please don't bring it up. I don't want to argue with you right now.

“It happened ages ago. Let it go.” Chan tired his best not to sound insensitive, but Changbin felt like Chan attacked him, therefore Changbin got up aggressively. Just walk away Changbin. Just keep walking. I know he doesn't mean it, but it still fucking stings. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow Bang Chan.” Chan gulped at the hissed tone Changbin relayed but Chan looked at Changbin before he left through the door while Chan didn’t think Changbin would say anything. He did. “Try get some sleep. You look tired.” He walked out. 

...

Chan felt relief that the younger wasn’t too upset with him, but Chan couldn’t help but smile as warmth filled his chest. You too dork. Chan thought, but then proceeded in clicking and tapping away at his keyboard.

Chapter Text

Chan waited patiently in the hospital waiting room. It smells so clean Chan thought as the scent of methylated spirits filled his nose, but the dark truth could be that it just covers up for the stench of death which for a hospital would be a daily occurrence. He sat on one of many blue chairs in the waiting room excepting I.N. any minute, therefore deciding to text his girlfriend to tell her that I.N. would be joining them before the party.   

Yuna⁓

Today 10:30am

Chan: Hey.

Yuna: Buttons! When are you going to pick me up? I wanna hang out before that silly sleepover party.

Chan: Yeah. I’ll be there after picking up I.N. He just had a check-up.

Yuna: Wait, buttons!? Are you telling me that I.N. will be coming with us and we won’t have any alone time? 😠

Chan: Yeah. Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. Just you know, I gotta look after him he’s like a little brother.😅😅😅

Yuna:🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄😒😒😒

Chan: Come one. Don’t be like that. I’ll buy you something nice as an apology for the loss of our time okay.

Yuna: Fine, Whatever. I guess I would like that cute new pair of Chanel earrings I’ve been looking at.

            Chan: Yep. Okie Dookie. I gotta go I.N. is here. See you soon.

“Hey Chan. Thanks for picking me up, again.” I.N. smiled showing off his dimples. He was wearing a light green sweater with light brown shorts which made him look younger. He also wore his signature small Gucci chain necklace that Chan gifted him for his birthday two years ago. He looks so soft. Chan couldn’t help but return a gentle smile while he stood up to head closer and greet him properly and not another thought of Yuna crossed his mind.

“No problem bro.” Chan said while heavily patting Jeongin’s back. Jeongin arched his back from impact and winced at the interaction.

“Nice to see you again BangChan. I’m guessing that Jeongin’s parents couldn’t come again?” A doctor with long tied up black hair; a clean white lab coat and a plain ultramarine blue turtleneck sweater underneath greeted.

“Haha. Yep. I will always look out for my little brother.” Chan answered while turning his head to face I.N. only to receive a jolt of panic go through him and his expression transpired into concern. Oh shit.

“Oh. I’m sorry for being so insensitive.” The doctor apologised while putting his hand on Jeongin’s shoulder and his brown eyes soften while looking at Chan. Jeongin just shrugged the doctors hand off and took a step away.

“It’s fine. I’m used to it.” I.N. said flatly as he stirred his glaze onto the other people in the waiting room. It’s not fine. Jeongin. Chan empathised internally softening his gaze. “We are holding people up. Let’s go Chan.”

“Hold on a minute kiddo, Chan I will need to have a discussion with you privately.” The doctor implied pointing his hand out to take Chan aside. “Chan, as you know this is his third check-up since the procedure, and while Jeongin was having his tests, the CT scan showed us something that could prove concerning and could possibly prove complications in future. I asked my colleague about it, but they only saw it as a possibility. It’s not for certain but keep a closer eye out for the boy. I worry for him. If he has any symptoms, you need to bring him in.” The doctor whispered while proceeding to pass on the rest of the critical information about Jeongin’s condition, and Chan could only think of the worst. Can it really get worse? Will he have to deal with even more? Poor Innie. He goes through so much. I wish I could take all the pain away and shield him forever. He looked over at Jeongin who had his arms crossed over his chest and tapping his foot. I.N. had noticed Chan’s worried expression then responded with a head tilt to emphasise the confusion he felt.

“He will be okay, right?” Chan cursed his voice crack resulting in him clearing his throat.

“Of course, as long as he takes his medication and doesn’t exert himself too much.” The doctor reassured him.

“Oh, thank god, and your colleague really only thinks it’s a possibility? So most likely he will be fine.” Chan sighed while the doctor nodded. At least he will be alright. Okay so it’s only a possibility. I need to keep him calm and tell him not to worry.

…

“What did the doctor say?” Jeongin spun his head to look at Chan, interrupting the awkward silence that had only been filled by engine of Chan’s car.

“Just that you need to take your medicine and you will be good as new.” Chan forced a smile trying to hide his worry.

“Tsk, I’m not a kid. Just tell me everything. I don’t need you to filter the conversation. Okay Chris.” Jeongin let out some frustration. Don’t treat like a child. You know I hate it when you do. Especially you. I’m not fragile. Jeongin’s gaze grew sad and distant. Chan realised that Jeongin must be really annoyed if he was using his English name which he only used if he was being playful or serious and he didn’t sound quite happy.

“I.N. it’s all fine trust me. Taking your medicine is most important thing the doctor said.” Chan tried to reassure him and snapped I.N. out of his sombre trance.

“I don’t believe you!” Jeongin yelled and crossed his arms over his chest. He isn’t telling me something this is frustrating. Huh?  “yah! Why did you take this turn? Your house is the second exit after getting on the highway? What’ the deal?” Chan cleared his throat still aware of the tension. There is only one person who lives in this direction…Yuna. Fuck why. Why her of all people.  “No! you mean we are going to pick her up?” Chan nodded slowly while pressing his lips firmly together into a straight line. “Ugh, just great this means I gotta sit in the back.” Jeongin huffed and threw his arms up in the air just to slam them back down onto his thighs. She is going to ruin my night.

Chan pulled up on Yuna’s driveway with his standard and clean black convertible ford fiesta.

“Buttons! You’re finally here.” Yuna came running out dramatically and hugging him like she hadn’t seen him for years. Oh, for fuck’s sake. What a fake. Jeongin just rolled his eyes then stepped out of the car. She stared Jeongin down with a dirty look of jealously. Jeongin was about to hop into the back when she came around towards him to take the front.

“Thanks for keeping the seat warm for me sickie.” She whispered with a small vile giggle that made Jeongin’s blood boil. Tsk. Don’t let her anger you Jeongin. She isn’t worth your emotions. Jeongin just grunted and didn’t force an argument for Chan’s sake. I.N. stop. Think about how Chan would feel. The things I stop myself from doing for love this guy, I swear. Jeongin took a breath then entered the car.

…

Jisung picked up his phone which read 12:30 pm. Shit, I gotta get into a better routine but I still think staying up watching those jellyfish documentaries was worth it. Jisung wearily made his way downstairs. Swaying his limbs until he was paralysed by a sudden screech.

“Han Jisung! Half the day is gone already. What am I going to do with you?” She held a wooden spoon, and her arms were crossed while she tapped her foot, frowning at Jisung. Oh crap. She’s angry. Jisung quick think of something. Umm. You are hesitating she will only grow angrier.

“Mum! Just the person I wanted to see. You look rather beautiful today, also intimidating” Jisung mumbled the last part. “I’ll get started on those chores right now.” Before his mother could say anything, he sprinted to the laundry to put clothes in the washing machine and went to start the rest of chores listed for him. Pew. Got out of that just in the nick of time.

Han was sweeping the plain white ceramic tiles that contrasted with the plastered navy-blue walls in the kitchen and dining room open area until his phone that’s case had little Doraemon’s on a white background pulling funny faces started vibrating in his pocket.

“Hello?” Han answered the call.

“Hannie! It’s Felix. Do you wanna meet up before the party then go together? I really want to go shopping with you.” Felix pleaded. Wow! another sudden invitation. I think I need to get used to that. That’s if I do end up spending more time with this group.

“Um. I can. I just gotta do a couple chores but how about we meet around 3:30pm near that little run-down noodle place I saw 3 blocks away from the school?” Han suggested. Yes, I haven’t eaten and I’m going to waste away if I don’t eat something soon.

“Yep! Sounds great see- Ahhhhhh!” A large bang was heard over the phone as Felix screamed out. Fuck. What happened? Is he okay?

“Felix are you okay? Felix…Felix answer me!” Panicked hitched in Han’s voice over the phone. Han listened intently for a couple of seconds to see if he could hear anything to understand the situation better and just before he was going to call out again. Felix answered.

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just… just… the brownies I made. Th- they fell on the floor.” Felix sniffled in between his sentence. Thank god. “I managed to save three. But that’s it.”

“I’m so sorry Felix. I’m glad you’re not hurt but don’t cry over brownies okay.” Han tried to reassure him.

“No! I will cry. I made them for you and the others.” Felix shouted. Okay… Felix cares a lot about his brownies. Noted. There was an awkward pause. “I’m sorry, Hannie that you couldn’t try them. I promise to make some more another day.”

“Felix. It’s okay. Hey how about you bake our birthday cakes?” Han tried to take his attention away from the brownies. “How does that sound?” Han heard another little sniffle. Please say yes.

“Yeah. That sounds like fun.” Felix said half-heartly. Felix’ head started filling with ideas for the birthdays cakes. Colours, shapes, and themes. “I think, I can make them. Yeah! I can. I will make amazing birthday cakes for us” Felix felt determined as creativity flooded his brain. Han made a smile as Felix’ tone was back to his joyfulness. Good.

“I can’t wait.” Han said gleefully as his gums started to show.

“Han Jisung! Aren’t you going to finish your chores?” Han’s mother scolded from the entrance of the room. Shit!

“See you, Felix.” Han hung up the phone and dramatically started sweeping again.

…

“Why are you always lacking off? You are going to ruin your future Hyunjin.” Seungmin scolded while putting his fisted hands on his hips. He looks so hot when he is angry. but ruin my future. Tsk. He doesn’t understand a thing. Hyunjin thought.

“Minnie don’t worry. I’m fine. Besides partying and clubbing is what I like. Next week Junho said there was a new venue opening-” Hyunjin defended  himself while sitting down on the couch about to watch his daily program of mystery dinners, but he was cut off by Seungmin.

“No! You are not going. Are you crazy? You’re not fine. You are failing all your classes. I am always covering up your tracks you are so fucking lucky I’m school captain and next week is Felix’ birthday remember? Are you going to let your real friend down?” Seungmin rambled off. Hyunjin’s head made a sharp turn to confront Seungmin. What!? I wouldn’t let Felix down. Would I? Fuck, Was I about too?

“Minnie I-“

“No! Shut up! Last night I told you we shouldn’t have gone in, but no you had to play the part with your college ‘friends’. What if I wasn’t there. Do you even know how worried I was?” Seungmin choked. His eyes stinging and swelling up with tears. Hyunjin stood up in disbelief. He was worried about…me? Is he crying because of me? Shit… I am so low that I even make my friends cry; Forget their birthdays and in the end pretty much make them save me when I’m in trouble? Wow how pathetic can one get.

“Minnie… I didn’t realise that I’d hurt you. I just wanted to have fun.” Hyunjin’s big brown orbs were glassy upon seeing Seungmin’s struggle to keep his composure. “I promise. I will try. I really promise, Seungmin.”

“But that’s all it is. A promise.” Seungmin looked at the ground with a sombre stare. He doesn’t believe me. “We should get ready for the sleepover.” Hyunjin nodded and strayed past Seungmin and walked towards his room swaying with his shoulders slumped forward like a puppy that had been scolded. Closing the door only to proceed in sliding down it. Once his butt hit the floor a whimper forced itself from his throat. No! Hyunjin you can’t let Seungmin hear you. You really are pathetic. Hyunjin tilted his head up and held his breathe to try stop his sniffling and attempted to flicker his eyes open and closed in efforts to try stop brawling. Please forgive me Seungmin, but then again I wouldn’t forgive me. I refuse to forgive myself.

…

Chan heard the ding of the doorbell and opened the door revealing two giggly shopped-out boys who were chatting non-stop about things they have in common such as anime, music, and children’s cartoons. Wow! I knew Felix would be good for Jisung and vice versa but these two are like more than good for each other.

“Welcome you two. I.N. and Yuna are in the living room. Make yourselves at home.” Chan invited them in casually. They excitedly walked in rambling off to Chan what they brought. All three of them travelled into the living room where the room seemed to hold some tension. Something feels off. Did they fight?

“What happened?” Chan questioned as concern swelled through him.

“Nothing much. My precious buttons⁓. I was just checking up on little Jeongin about his condition. What did you say that you suffered from Jeongin?” She said cutely as she shifted her body on the couch to face the direction of Jeongin who was sitting on the furthest side of the other smoke grey 6-seater sofa.

“Yeah, it’s called Pleural Effusion. You know having Liquid on the lungs is so much fun.” Jeongin answered, saying the last sentence sarcastically. Thank god. They weren’t fighting. At least they might be finally getting along. I guess the tension must have been because of the subject matter – I.N. is healing from the Thoracentesis procedure and Chylothorax surgery so that must be the reason for the tension.

“Wah. That sounds painful.” Han interrupted looking gobsmacked and showing empathy towards Jeongin. “Water on the lungs. Is it like drowning, but without drowning?” Jeongin studied Han’s face for a few seconds before proceeding to glance over to Chan then back to Han.

“Who is this?” Jeongin asked. Han’s jaw dropped with a gasp. Oh yeah. I forgot to mention-

“Chan, you didn’t tell little Innie about me?” Han offendedly demanded cutting off Chan’s thought process then Han proceeded slowly making his way towards Jeongin. Jeongin seeming a bit hurt being referred to little by someone who was shorter. Oops. Chan thought.

“Sorry about that Han, I guess I was too busy to mention you.” Chan laughed while scratching the back of his head and Han dramatically acted out him being shot in the heart by an arrow then falling over Jeongin for a more thrilling effect. I think he really will fit in perfectly. Like our missing puzzle piece, we didn’t know we needed until now.

Again, Chan heard the doorbell and left the room to grab the door to find Minho, Seungmin and Hyunjin waiting patiently.

“Hey guys. Everyone is in the living room, come on in.” Chan invited them in with a bright smile and showing off his dimples. Is that Changbin? Chan saw a red Porsche pulled up on the side of the street, so he decided to wait at the door. Yep, who else drives a Porsche in this area? Everyone else made their way into the lounge room.

“What’s up sluts?” Hyunjin busted into the room, Seungmin and Minho both in sync rolled their eyes from Hyunjin’s cringey greeting.

“Jinnie, Minnie and Minho! Hi.” Felix shouted with joy, running up to Seungmin with his arms wide asking for a hug but Seungmin wasn’t much for hugs, but he let Felix hug him anyway. Seungmin then decided it would be hilarious to see Felix implode and struggled to get away from his tickles. “Stop! Stop… Please.” Felix begged while laughing and gasping desperately for air in between speaking. It was a sight you couldn’t help but smile at. But Han didn’t appear to be smiling like he usually would instead he was distracted by his so-called enemy Minho. Jeongin noticed Han’s absence of involvement and followed his glare and decided it would be a great idea to suddenly hug him. Jeongin hoped he would get closer to Han since being late to meet him. Jeongin hadn’t missed the glare Han projected towards Minho because it’s the same glare he gave to a certain friend’s girlfriend. “Han, maybe I should tickle you?” Jisung then lost eye contact with Minho and focused on Jeongin who wore a conniving smirk. Han then started wheezing when Jeongin started bombarding him with tickles. Chan and Changbin entered the room which now held the opposite feeling from before as it was filled with laughter and joy instead of uneasiness. Chan couldn’t help but smile from the warm feeling that surged through him and that achieved the showcase of his dimples one more time. This feels right. This feels like home.

…

Chan, Han and Changbin sat at Chan’s laptop in the studio room Chan has at the front of the house before the hall leading into living room, the studio was dark because Chan apparently loves dark interior, and it was quite small, and the only bright object was the couch which was bright red, and Han joked while entering “Who did you kill?”.

They started on relistening to Chan’s song ‘Elevator to Hell’.

“Okay. First, I think that the name should change. I thought about it the first time listening too. I mean I know it’s in lyrics, but we can change them too. Changing the lyrics could give more room to express what the song portrays and let it flow better. How about play on words? Hellevator? So, the beginning on the chorus could be ⁓I’m on a Hellevator…⁓” Han recommended. Chan and Changbin nodded along to the suggestions. Yes finally. Input. This is what I’m good at. Please let them like me. Don’t let me stuff this up. Jisung begged in his thoughts.

“Okay but now because it’s short to say do we just leave rests for the other bars of music?” Changbin challenged. Umm.

“I think there should be something like ⁓uh..uhuhhuhuhh..uhuhhuhuhh⁓” Chan collaborated with Han’s idea to add more expression. Omg yes that is great Channie. Channie? Am I already thinking on a nickname basis? Nah…Am I? I mean with Felix I am but these two. I don’t know. Oh! and Innie since he is younger and too irresistibly cute to not tease.

“Okay. But now the problem’s repetition” Changbin indicated. The three humming to themselves tried to think of something.

“Hey guys what about ⁓My Hellevator⁓ and add that with just Hellevator and I’m on a Hellevator, It’s fine to be a little repetitive it gives the audience familiarity” I.N. contributed while singing to the melody of the song as he poked his head in the door. All of them looked at each other in awe. What!? He sounds incredible. Great idea too.

“Woah I.N. I didn’t know you could sing. You have such a unique voice, and that’s perfect instead of repeating it. adding my and expressing the fact, it’s my fate. Genius.” Han complimented, making Jeongin blush from the praise.

…

“Han, Changbin. I’ve been thinking we should stay together as a producing group.” Chan requested while moments before he was in deep thought while eating his slice of pizza since they moved into the dining room to eat. Oh my god! They want me to be part of their music production group, but what if I’m not good enough? What if I am too much of a freak and they make fun of my writing abilities? But this is CB97 and SpearB after all. So maybe. I’ll give it a try. Jisung came to a decision.  

“Really?!” Changbin said in surprise.

“Oh my gosh. Yes, that’s such a good idea. You guys are so talented. I’d love to team up.” Han squealed in excitement. I hope that was enthusiastic enough.

“But we would need to think of a name.” Chan finished his slice and leaned into his wooden dining table chair. All three thought hard and long trying to think of a perfect name. What do we have in common? Maybe stem from that.

“Well, what do we have in common?... We are all hot. Especially piggy here.” Han’s gummy smile turned into a mischievous grin while looking at Changbin who had his fist clenched. Why did I say that? I mean I wanted to joke but will they hate me now?

“Yah. What?! Say that to my face.” Changbin yelled in anger. He seems angry and it makes him look too cute. It makes me want to tease him more.

“I just did.” Han retaliated. Causing Changbin to jump on him and pinch him all over. Mistake. Big mistake. It tickles. Both were a giggling mess even through Han’s panic. Chan looked over where Yuna and Jeongin were still deep in thought about finding a name he didn’t notice how miserable Jeongin looked. Chan then saw Minho pick up a Sriracha hot sauce bottle.

“Sriracha, racha, threeracha.” Chan whispered to himself. “Hey guys, how about 3racha?” Chan recommended.

“huh?” Changbin questioned.

3racha? Sounds legit. Jisung thought.

“Chan. You’re genius. 3racha. It rolls off the tongue. We are hot. We are spicy. We are saucy. We are 3racha.” Han dramatically loved the name suggestion.

“Hey guys. I wanna do karaoke and play just dance.” Felix called everyone from the living room connected to the kitchen and dining room as an open area. Yes, I wanna play. I love karaoke and just dance. Felix and I have so much in common. I think that he is the most comfortable person to be around other than my family. He is… he is my friend. Wait!? Friend. I have a friend. Jisung stopped he was paralysed from the realisation that he has a real friend.

“3racha it is then.” Chan giggled and stood up to follow where Felix’ voice came from.

The karaoke machine was on, and Felix held up a bright yellow and blue microphone to his mouth. “Testing. Testing. 123. Ya yeet!” Felix tested the microphone. Chan extended his hand out to receive the mic, but Felix pressed the mic up to his chest in a protective position and gave puppy eyes because he wanted to go first. Chan rolled his eyes and shook his head at the same time smiled to let Felix know he wasn’t mad, just madly frustrated that Felix is too cute to say no too.. Felix just joyfully giggled and ran his finger over the song list.

“⁓I’m sorry, lover You’re sorry, I bring you down. Well, these days I try….⁓” Felix was singing Imagine Dragons – Amsterdam and with his deep voice it sounded even more sad.

“⁓Let it go. Let it go! Turn away and slam the door…⁓” Chan was singing to Let it go and everyone surrounded him pretending to form the ice place Elsa made. Everyone seemed to be having fun, laughing, and cheering. Han tried singing Tears by So Chan Whee in its original key and succeeding. Woah!? I never knew doing karaoke with other people could be so much fun. I feel like I’m not alone. Not just because there are people physically here but in my heart. It feels warm and full. Jisung whole heartly felt like he belonged. Seungmin sung a large amount of Day6. I.N. sung some trot which oddly he was amazing at. Hyunjin sung Exo’s song Obsession but messed up Chanyeol’s rap part. But everyone was having too much fun to really notice.

“We should play just dance. Felix suggested I wanna play against Minho, Hyunjin because they are really good dancers but I also wanna play with Hannie because he is my twin.” Felix felt conflicted and made a little pout knowing he couldn’t take up all the time on the game.

“I’ll play with you first Felix.” Han volunteered to make the decision for Felix easier. Felix nodded violently because of how excited he was. Han and Felix were dancing to Twice’s song Fancy, Han all of a sudden forgot to move his arm up in part of the song and lost the game to Felix.

“Yay! I won.” Felix shouted with a sense of giddiness. He is so cute when he is happy. I want to protect this light and joyfulness. He is my friend. I will never lose that. I will give everything up for him. Felix started to do a fortnight dance out of pure joy. Maybe not everything…

“Good job Felix. You beat me.” Han was so happy for Felix to feel any misery  from losing, but a thick layer of cringe could be seen on his face due to the younger’s dancing.

“Han lost because he isn’t that good.” Hyunjin blurted out. This guy again. Why?

“Mind your own business.” Han snapped. Felix stepped backward from the conflict and bumped into Chan who just smiled warmly at him which suggested that everything would be fine while putting his hands on Felix’ biceps to move him. Felix felt like a child being put to the side while dad dealt with his arguing siblings.

“How am I supposed to act like nothing happened when you made a mistake? You should dance better.” Hyunjin retaliated. Jisung huffed. He thinks I should dance better. What about his rap in Obsession?

“Oh yeah. well Maybe you should focus on your rap more.” Han argued while scranching up his nose in disgust.

“Hey!” Chan yelled it felt like thunder was coming from his throat because of the way he made everyone jumped in shock from the repercussions of the room vibrating in which everyone was silence by his command. “Both of you stand in front of me. You both will apologise to each other.” There was an awkward silence. “I wasn’t asking.” He glared at them with rage, and he heard two faint gulps.

“Okay. Sorry Chan. I made a bad comment.” Hyunjin apologised. They turned to Han to wait for his apology. That wasn’t really an apology to me, and I don’t want to apologise for something I didn’t start. Tsk.

“Well. There’s this one person and I hope he stops bothering me.” Han protested. Hyunjin out of anger pushed past Han then went out to the veranda which you had to pass through the kitchen to get to. Hyunjin tried to calm himself, but Han chased after him because of Chan’s intimidating glare. While the two were alone it was awkward until...

“Let’s, just avoid each other as much as possible, yeah, let’s just ignore each other.” Han suggested.

“Okay fine we can ignore each other and act like nothing’s up in front of the others.” Hyunjin agreed.

…

“You gotta drink if you have done it. Minnie that’s how to play the game.” Felix complained to Seungmin.

“I don’t drink and that’s that.” Seungmin defended himself.

“Ha. Even a girl like me can hold my alcohol better than you. Nerd.” Yuna seemed very tipsy and pressured Seungmin with an insult. Seungmin didn’t seem too upset, but no one knows that he hates being called ‘nerd’ ‘Greek’ and ‘goody to shoes.’ I shall not be tested by someone the likes of you. Yuna.

“Never have I ever. Cheated on an exam.” Felix declared. I may as well. Seungmin took a sip.

“What?!”

“When?! And How?!”

“Huh?!”

Questions coming from everywhere as they are all astounded from Seungmin’s sudden sip.

“No way! Seungmin. The smartest kid at school. The school Captain. The self-righteous do-gooder cheated on an exam?” Hyunjin bewildered by Seungmin’s actions.

“Yes. I have once. I cheated.” Seungmin admitted. But I’m not proud of it.

“Do tell.” Han insisted with a smirk.

“I wrote a math formula on my hand because every practice question that needed me to use it, I got wrong because I kept forgetting it. I got full marks on that math exam but at what cost?” Seungmin told regretfully.

“And you say, I might ruin my future.” Hyunjin laughed. Seungmin just frowned at him. Great. Just great. Don’t say anything Seungmin. Don’t make a scene.

…

Minho was even smiling at the chaos of the group, to him it felt nice to have the presence of people having a good time, but he also felt someone staring at him, therefore he glanced around locking eyes with no other than Han Jisung. Why? Is he staring? It makes me feel uncomfortable. I thought at first he was trying to be annoying but now it’ pissing me off a little. Minho thought.

“Oh. Hannie and I brought a Disney movie from the shops today. It’s new. See.” Felix excitedly held up the new Disney movie Raya and the last dragon.

“Felix. Not everyone hear likes kid movies. I think we all might just go to sleep.” Chan babied talked Felix.

“Can’t we please, play it in the background.” Felix begged.

“No. Instead we are watching Brooklyn nine-nine” Chan ordered. Felix crossed his arms over his chest and huffed. The scene reminded Chan about Jeongin when they were in the car and how worried he was for him. Chan shook his head to try stay focused. “That’s final. At your and Han’s birthday next weekend we can watch it.” Chan reassured the boy.

…

On the veranda Changbin leaned on the fenced railing that looked out to the side yard. He listened to the trickling sound of water flow from the small stream and the crickets going off like an orchestra performing just for him. Tiny balls of light kissed blades of grass in the distance and the silver light reflecting off the water to let you vividly see the silhouetted movements of many small animals. He thought how nice it would be to share this with a special someone. Felix was the only one that entered his mind. The thought of Felix’ long blonde hair and chick P.J’s leaning on the fence next to him achieved a charming smile from Changbin. Changbin then suddenly heard the door behind him, and wishful thinking got the better of him when he saw Chan step out. Changbin just sighed.

“I’m not that bad, am I?” Chan asked with a small tint of pain but covered up with a forced grin and proceeded to huff after his question. Of course, not Chan. Just I wanted to see Felix. Changbin answered internally.

“No. no. I was just expecting someone else.” Changbin tried to protect himself.

“Like whom? A crush?” Chan joked while elbowing his side.

“Well. Yeah.” Changbin said seriously. Was I too straight forward? Maybe I should’ve said anything. I’ve only recently come to terms with my feelings.

“what?! Who?! Why would…” Chan chocked not quite knowing how or what to say.

“What do you mean why? I like someone from the group. Is that a crime?” Changbin interrogated. Will Chan freak out if I told him?

“Well. It’s just a lot is happening, and we just formed 3racha, We are graduating at the end on the year, so if something bad happens then could you still stay? I mean will it jeopardise our relationships? Remember what I told you about Lee know and I? I don’t want that to happ-“

“I know. It’s just I can’t help it. I really like him, although he is new to the group.” Changbin interrupted. Wait!? Did Chan just compare me with that group? Why? He knows me. I’m nothing like them. Changbin felt his temperature rise and his breathing became heavier.

“Do you like Han?” Chan asked out of curiosity with his grin now completely faded.

“What?! No. I like Felix.” Changbin blurted out. Chan was stunned. Shit. I guess that’s one way to tell him. Too late now. The cats out of the bag. Chan didn’t know what to do or say but he felt a burning instinct to attack as he felt racing thoughts flood his head of all the bad accidents that could happen to hurt either of them. Chan clenched his fists. While Changbin faced back towards the beautiful garden view still trying to calm himself. Calm down Changbin. Changbin felt maybe it was too soon to tell Chan or anyone about his feelings for Felix. I mean he had only started to develop them two weeks ago. 

“No. I can’t let you like him.” Chan declared with his knuckles starting to turn white from the tension he conjured with his fists. “ He is too innocent and pure to date you. I’m sorry. I won’t allow it.” Chan bottled up as much as he could because Changbin was his friend he didn’t want to hurt him but the will to attack was overbearing. Changbin felt his heart sink from what Chan just told him. It was as if he was just some predator to Chan. Chan you’re my friend- no, my brother. You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt Felix or anything in our group. What’s wrong with you?

“What do you mean? I’m not gonna do anything bad to him. I just know that I love him a lot-“ Changbin was pushed backward by a sudden force of pain from his left jaw. Chan had thrown a quick jab to Changbin’s jaw causing the sudden burst of pain. Chan had started to shake. “What’s wrong with me?” Chan whispered faintly. Changbin groaned in agony while clenching his jaw.

“what was that for?” Changbin’s eyes shown with fear and confusion but then developed into anger and hurt.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry I just felt the urge to punch you.” Chan tried to justify himself. That’s not a fucking good enough reason to hit someone in my principle book Channie.

“You just felt the ‘urge’ to punch me? Don’t give me that shit. Fucking hell that hurt.” Changbin amazed by Chan’s powerful punch, but raw impulse of anger compelled Changbin to fight back and no matter how much Changbin didn’t want to hurt his friend, that impulse denied him free will. “Are we really going to fight?” Changbin questioned with a tsk as he held his fists up. Changbin couldn’t shake an antagonising thought of wanting to test how strong Chan actually because behind his usual calm and collected façade.

“I said sorry. One punch was enough.” Chan tried to apologise. Changbin didn’t even think before replying.

“Not good enough BangChan.” Changbin smirked while side stepping around Chan, and he started to feel lighter as he started bouncing on his feet. “Come on BangChan” Changbin tried provoking Chan.

“I’m not going to fight you Bin. I said enough.” Chan still seemed calm, but Changbin knew that if he pushed a little more, then Chan would come at full force. Changbin lashed out with his fist hurling towards Chan. Just in time Chan blocked it but the repercussions that followed left him winded. Changbin’s knee made contact to Chan’s stomach with a pressuring force to cause Chan to kneel over coughing violently. Changbin hadn’t finished as now his head felt clearer he had a few things to say to Chan.

“You don’t see it do you?” Chan couldn’t respond instead he was hunched over holding his stomach. “Yuna is a bully. She tortures I.N.” Changbin heard a growl leave Chan’s mouth. “You think because you were the one who saved Lee Know that you’re leader and you somehow have it in your head that everyone’s children. Well, we aren’t Chan.” Chan slowly got up. while gripping his stomach tightly.

“I said, I didn’t want to fight Changbin.”

“Too late for that Chan. Now punch me before I beat the living shit out of you because I’m not done letting off steam. You dared compare me too that group because I like Felix. That fucking hurts Chris.” Chan lowered his head into submission. What the fuck. Fight back asshole. Changbin was riled up even more that Chan gave up so quickly. Changbin could swear he thought his vision went red upon punching Chan onto the wooden planks of the veranda, Chan howled in anguish. Changbin couldn’t just stop there. Changbin kept kicking and once satisfied he climbed onto top of Chan and pulled his fist back before he heard a yelped near the sliding door.

A little blonde head of hair was visible, and Felix stood there shocked in his blue and yellow Chick Pyjamas.

“What’s going on?” A deep but small voice asked with horror that broke Changbin’s heart to look at.

“Felix?” Chan and Changbin said simultaneously. Shit! Felix knows now.

…

What’s happening? Why does Changbin have Chan pinned to the ground and his hands in fists? Why is Chan face bruised and bloody? Why does Changbin look so scary? No! I don’t know. Why? Felix couldn’t comprehend the scene. Looking at Changbin’s dark eyes filled Felix with terror. Felix started shaking. He thought his legs were about to give out. He could feel the bloodlust from where he stood. He vision became blurry due to the water filling his eyes. He had his hands cupped together but brought one up to check his vital signs. He noticed his breaths become shallow and all he thought of doing was running away. So, that’s what he did. He ran back through the kitchen then sped past the living room and dining room to the bathroom. Why were they fighting? Why did Changbin look so scary? Why was Chris on the ground? I can’t breathe. Felix was gasping for air and with the salty taste in his mouth felt it hard to swallow. He didn’t want to wake anyone up so he tried his best to stay a silent as he could making sure not to wail out in pain. He started suffering a headache a minute later. Why am I so weak? I don’t like this feeling. He held his hand over his mouth to muffle his cries.

Chapter Text

“Hey Felix! I was thinking we could have our birthday party at your place. I mean it’s because you live on your own so it would be easier. You know?” Han consulted with Felix in the cafeteria at their now usual round table.

“yeah, sounds fine.” Felix agreed with a depressed tone as his face rested upon the palm of his hand with a sigh. Han could see the blackness of depression radiating off him as it’s trying to suffocate the natural light that usually brightens everyone’s day.

“Felix? What’s wrong? Aren’t you excited about our birthday’s?” Han questioned with his eyebrow’s knitted together in concern for his bestie. Felix couldn’t look at Han instead he sighed again and kept his eyes solemnly on the ham and cheese triangle sandwiches on a red and white checked napkin which was in a bright red basket. Han thought it could be something about the sleepover the other night. He wanted to help Felix as Felix is his friend and one he wants to trust – that he can trust. “Felix? Is it because of the other night?” Felix’ eyes spread with panic as a shiver ran up his spine. His face emptied his palm. Han knew something happened that night he could hear shouting and thumping downstairs, also the fact Felix’ eyes were red and puffy the next morning and Changbin had gone home early – only confirmed it. I guess I will just find out what happened at our 3racha meeting today? Han slurped his chocolate milkshake through a Doraemon themed plastic straw.

“Hannie. I think Chan and Changbin hate each other.” Felix frowned as he leaped lethargically grabbing onto Han’s hands which curved around his drink. Jisung chocked on his chocolate milkshake with shock from Felix’ accusation. What!? What makes him think that?

“What makes you say that Felix? I’m sure they are only pretending, Changbin is probably upset because Chan stole his food or something – you know how Changbin is.” Han tried to reassure the boy. I hope that’s it. Wait how come I already know these guys so well. It’s like we have been friends for years, but I only met them a couple days ago. Weird...

“But Hannie. They were fighting. That night on the veranda. Arguing, punching, kicking and Changbin’s eyes were really scary and-” Felix’ speech paced quicker with each word and accelerating him into what seemed to be an almost anxiety attack, while reimagining the conflict.

“Woah! Slow down. I am sure they will deal with it, Felix. They are friends after all.” Han interrupted sounding concerned. Han patted his friend’s back and gave a forced wonky smile. Han hated seeing Felix this upset. His little sunshine being blocked by obnoxious and sinister clouds. All Han wanted to do was blow them away. They gotta deal with this. I have to sit them down and make them talk it out. We just made 3racha. Tsk.

“Hey! Han! Felix!” A loud call was heard. The two boy’s heads followed the direction of the voice which led to Hyunjin waving at them from across the food court. “Can one of you guys help me with my English please?” Hyunjin begged holding his hands up in a praying position while running towards them. Han would have felt embarrassed by his scene, but he was already used to the dramatic attics of this group especially what Hyunjin pulls. Han and Hyunjin argue a lot. The morning of the sleepover him and Han fought over the last pancake Seungmin, and Felix had made.

“Sorry Jinnie as much as I would love too, I can’t. Between tryna keep up studying, a part-time job and social life. I’m sorry. Han can though. He’s really good.” Felix apologised with a recommendation. What?! Me? But this guy? Why? I can’t get along with something as rude and self-absorbed as him.

“Huh? Me?” Han ask in surprise. Han couldn’t believe Felix just threw him under the bus like that. Although Felix is just too cute to get mad at. “I don’t think - I mean – It’s just – from our chemistry.” Jisung stuttered as his thoughts and words were scrambled.

“Please. Han. I will forgive you and I won’t make fun of you or anything. Please I beg of you.” Hyunjin pleaded. He does seem serious, and he is never serious. Hmm. I guess I could. Han pondered for a bit longer eventually looking over to Felix who now unlike before was shining with hope and this was the final stretch. Han couldn’t take Felix’ cuteness anyone.

“Felix you’re too cute you know that.” Han sighed and gave into Hyunjin’s but more like Felix’ plead.

“Fine. I can tutor you but only after school on Tuesday’s, okay?” Han offered with cringe contorting on his face.

“Really?! after school?” Hyunjin complained then was met with non-pleased look, as Han’s eyebrow was raised in dissatisfaction. What’s wrong with this guy? He’s unbelievable. “Fine. Yes. Yes. Thank you.” Hyunjin thanked, nodding his head vigorously. I guess I can’t help agreeing; Hyunjin and Felix are both too endearing. A sigh escaped Han’s lips.

“Isn’t that him?” A passer-by girl asked her friend.

“yeah, I think I heard from a senior he doesn’t deserve any friends from what he did.” The other replied. Han’s ears perked up as he froze, and he looked around seeing the majority of people were looking at the three of them. Oh no?! Has it already started my second day of school already? Branded as a freak, but I haven’t even told anyone. Maybe I don’t need too, for them to know. Look at me it’s written all over my face. I’m pathetic and a run away. I’m a coward. Han begun sweating vigorously and he didn’t notice his thumb started caressing the side of his ring finger repeatedly or his foot start tapping. His breathing was becoming irregular and sweat could be felt under his hoodie, but not enough to be noticeable.

“Shit!” Hyunjin whisper under his breathe. He was void of emotion except a hint of shame in his eyes and uneasiness coming from his clenched jaw. Han knew Hyunjin seemed to be feeling almost the same way until -  “I gotta go guys. Catch up later.” Hyunjin suddenly forced a laugh. He painfully pushed for a smile which strained his facial features. He rushed out of the cafeteria, almost running with his head lowered. What’s up with him?

“That was weird” Felix announced.

“Can’t agree with you more.” Han agreed. Han nervously looked around the cafeteria to try face judging eyes in confrontation he latched onto Felix’ hand. Han heard Felix ask what’s wrong, but Han was too busy searching for mocking and judgmental eyes yet was met with nothing. What’s going on here? Weren’t people going make fun of me? And tell me how much of a freak I am? Was it not me they were talking about, but… Hyunjin? Felix squeezed Han’s hand to gain attention. Han haven’t noticed how on edge he really was until he was met with Felix’ eyes which carried concern and comfort. Han tried to give a faint smile, which Felix recuperated with a huge smile that Han could’ve sworn put the sun’s light to shame.

…

I wonder what was wrong with Hyunjin. He didn’t seem like himself. It felt like he was hiding something. Maybe it was because of those girls saying something? I should ask him tomorrow while tutoring. Han pondered.

“Han Jisung, what’s the answer to question 23?” Jisung snapped out of his gaze and frantically started flipping through his math textbook to find the question. “Uh….ummm…just a minute…I know it’s here.” Fuck. I don’t know the answer. shit...shit…shit. kill me now.

“Han Jisung. Maybe instead of daydreaming you should start focusing on class work.” The teacher sassed him.

“Yes sir. I mean ma’am.” He buried his head into his book to hide the red mark of shame that spread across his cheeks and waited for the teacher’s attention to be drawn elsewhere. That was embarrassing. I hope Felix will be okay after last night. He seemed to be looking better before class, I hope I cheered him up enough. Han looked next to him and saw Minho staring out the window. I wonder what Minho is thinking about. I wonder if I should ask if he knows anything about last night. “Hey Minho. How are you today? What do you think happened with Changbin and Chan the other night? Don’t you think math class is boring? Do you even understand anything?” Han bombarded Minho with loads of questions then proceeded to gnaw on the end of his pencil and leaned sideways toward Minho with an intriguing look plastered on his face.

“Gee. I wonder. Let me check if I care. Oh, wait that’s right. I don’t. So don’t talk to me” Minho said with a happy sarcastic tone which led into a flat one while rolling his eyes.
“Sour bum.” Han retaliated with a little pout. Tsk. What else should I have suspected? “Tsk. Why are you being so difficult.”

“Listen. Don’t try get all buddy- buddy with me. Okay. I won’t be your friend. I will never trust you. I don’t trust anyone.” Minho commented. Han’s face morphed into a  perplexed look. Huh? Like I want to be your friend. Wait, if you don’t trust anyone then why hang around the group? I mean it’s fair. Who would want to trust someone like me anyway? but at least I’m trying.

“Then why do you always hang out with the group?”

“Why? Are you trying to kick me out?” Minho muttered defensively. How dare he accuse me of that. Han thought.

“No! It’s just I asked you this other day too, but why?”

“None of your damn business. You don’t know me. Listen if it wasn’t for BangChan then I’d sit alone but, I owe him.” Han looked at Minho with a grave face. A tension filled silence occurred. 

“I feel sorry for you.” Han empathised while softening his eyes. Little did Han know that made Minho even more furious. Minho snapped his head towards Jisung. Why wouldn’t you want friends? Why would you want to be alone? I guess something bad happened. I know the feeling – not wanting people to trust you in case you hurt them or rip them apart or putting trust in people and them breaking you. Both are horrible. The guilt and the betrayed.

“Don’t pretend like you know me. You don’t. So, stop trying to be my friend because I can’t have anymore.” Minho yelled out, disrupting the whole class. Minho realised his uproar caused quite a lot of attention. Minho looked around with a sour face. “Excuse me.” He flung his chair back with some force and stomped out of the room. Minho unbeknown to Han lied multiple times in their conversation – argument and Minho loves his friends so much even though he might not show it. Minho just doesn’t trust Jisung…yet.

…

“I think I’ll quit.” Changbin stated.

“Huh?” Han expressed with his jaw dropped. “What do you mean quit? We just started 3Racha. I don’t want you to quit.” Han confusingly pleaded looking back and forth between the two. He was holding onto Changbin’s shirt and kneeling while Changbin’s arms were crossed over his puffed-out chest.

“Han. Let him do what he wants.” Chan intervened by turning around from his office chair with a neutral face but on the verge of looking slightly irritated.

“But Chan hyung. He has to stay. He has too. He is part of our group. I need him to stay.” Han claimed while then turning back to Changbin. We just made 3racha. I don’t want it all to disappear before we have even begun. It’s not fair. I am not wasting this opportunity. “Please don’t leave. I just got here.”  Han started to develop glassy eyeballs. Changbin peered into Han’s desperate eyes.

“Han. I don’t think I can stay-“

“Why!? Is it because of the sleepover? Yeah Felix told me everything. I’m not allowing this group to split after just being made because you two had a fight. It’s just ridiculous.” Han busted out his frustration. Changbin and Chan both wide eyes were astonished from their little squirrel friend’s outburst.

“Felix told you.” Changbin said in surprise.

“Well. Yeah! Felix and I are besties. I mean twins. Duh. Of course, he told me. You guys scared him half to death.” Han answered a little hurt that Changbin didn’t realise that him and Felix were best friends, but some anger had built up within Han due to a lack of acknowledgement the two present in terms of Felix’ feelings.

“So, you know that I like Felix. Just great.” Changbin stated in annoyance throwing his arms in the air. Han’s anger disappeared in a second after processing Changbin statement as he let his jaw drop in disbelief.

“What!? You like Felix?!” Han blinked ignorantly. Changbin likes Felix!? Wait. Wait. Wait. Let me think straight. Changbin likes Felix? Like Like-Likes Felix? “Is that why you guys fought? Omg Does Chan and Changbin both like Felix? What’s going on here. Why Felix? Omg it’s just like a drama. A love triangle.  “Wait Chan do you like Felix too? Omg. A fight for love. You guys I Should-“

“No! Han don’t assume things. I don’t like Felix. I have a girlfriend therefore I’m not gay.” Chan interrupted with his voice making Han tense as a child being scolded by their father. Han heard a faint sigh of relief from Changbin almost inaudible.  

“Oh. I see. Then why did you guy’s fight.” I don’t want a stupid petty fight to break up our group. We just formed 3racha. No way am I letting this go. I’ve never had good friends before. “Let’s sort it out because I really like my new friends and I don’t want to lose you guys.” Han flashed his gummy smile. My new friends. Yep. These guys are my friends now. I can’t lose this. But… what if they do find out my secret? Will they hate me? Yes. What am I thinking? of course they will. I’m just a coward who runs away school to school. Why am I bothering? Why am I so attached to them? What makes these guys different from anyone else I’ve met? It’s like I belong like I’m just gonna fit in there group no matter who I turn out to be, but I know that I can’t. Okay suck it up Han. Listen to them.

…

“Ah. So that’s what happened.” Han nodded. “I won’t tell Felix. But Chan, Felix isn’t a kid. If he likes someone even if it’s a boy you have no control. Same with you Changbin if he doesn’t like you that’s his choice. Chan, Changbin is like your best friend. Please stop fighting.”

“Fine. I won’t ask you not to like Felix, but tell me before you’re going to ask him out, so I’m mentally prepared.” Chan stated bitterly to Changbin.

“Good. I’m glad we have settled that. Changbin?” Han questioned.

“I’ll stay-“

“Yay!” Han hugged Changbin tightly. I did it. I’m going to stay with my new friends. Everything we be great. Please let us all get along from now on.

“But only if I get an apology.” Changbin squinted at Chan but decided to avert his gaze in disgust.

“Channie Hyung?” Han battered his eye lashes at Chan. Chan sighed as he couldn’t say no to Han’s big pleading eyes. Yes got him. Han thought as he reeled Chan in with his seductive cuteness.

“Okay. Fine. Changbin. I’m sorry. I think I got overprotective because of what happened to Lee Know. But I know you would never do anything to hurt Felix.” Chan apologised with an explanation. Changbin nodded in agreement. Lee Know?

“Wait, who’s Lee Know?” Han asked with confusion melted over his face. Chan and Changbin jerked in surprise.

“We will tell you another time Han. He is just a good friend, but he is… sensitive.” Chan addressed. “Now then. Should we get back to producing our new song. District 9. Han you mentioned you had some great lyrics for it.” Han nodded with extreme enthusiasm.

…

Hyunjin picked up his pen and proceeded to hover it over the first page of an empty exercise book. He released a sharp breathe while letting his shoulders drop. “English…” He started playing around with the pen while drifting into some procrastinating thoughts. How am I going to use this for future? Like I probs won’t even leave the country. Tsk… Hyunjin dropped the pen and crossed his arms. But then I want to prove to Seungmin I’m better. “alright then. Come on Hyunjin. Fighting.” He raised his arm up and flexed his bicep while slapping his other arms hand down on it then his ears perked up because of the sound of a notification on his phone. No. Must resist. I’m stronger than this. I gotta study. Wait, I have an idea. I’ll draw little characters to say English phrases to be more interesting. Okay!

Another notification rang from his phone. Hyunjin’s eyes glanced toward his phone. Who is trying to contact me? No. Studying. I should turn it off, but what if there is an emergency? Just keep drawing Hyunjin. After Hyunjin finished drawing half of his first character another ping shouted from his phone. Okay! Phone you are going on silent. Hyunjin picked up the phone and saw text messages from Junho.

Junho – Party Bro🤪🤘

Junho: Hey. So, are you coming this weekend?

Junho: You better come. I promised some dudes that I’d introduce you.

Junho: Hurry up and answer.

Wow. He really wants me to go. I wonder who I will meet, but it’s Felix’ birthday and Han’s too. Hmm. Should I just say I can’t go. OMG! I never not gone. I won’t abandon my friends though.

Me: Hey! Listen bro. I don’t think I can make it this weekend. Some friend’s birthday’s gonna celebrate with them.

Hyunjin waited a little for a reply. He started nervously tapping his finger on the side of his phone until a notification popped up.

Junho: You have to come. Like hang with us. We are so much fun. Remember Namjoon’s house party. It’s going to be similar. Come on. Just come dude. Or you can’t come with us anymore.

Me: What do you mean I can’t come if I don’t go?

Wait he isn’t serious? Is he?

Junho: Listen if you don’t come then it’s going to make me look bad, and I won’t hang around people who make me look bad. So, I’m just trying to help you with making real friends.

Junho is just looking out for me. I know that, but I can’t shake this weird vibe. hmm. Maybe I could leave Han and Felix’ birthday party early. Yeah then I’ll please everyone.

Me: Okay. I can go but I’ll be a little late. Alright?

Junho: Just as long as you show up.

Hyunjin placed his phone upside down on the table and leaned back into the chair with a heavy sigh. I don’t feel like studying anymore…Maybe I’ll just have a sleep. Yeah. I need energy to study so I’ll try again after my nap.

…

Felix was laying on his stomach on the floor of Han’s room kicking his feet up in the air while listening to some music.

“I’m glad you were able to help them make-up Hannie.” Felix said with gratitude carrying in his voice. “How did you do it?”

“Well…I just made them talk it out.” Han flared his nostrils and puffed out his chest in a proud manner.

“So, What made them fight?” Felix asked in curiosity. Shit. I wasn’t ready for that question I promised not to tell Felix. Han struggled with his inner turmoil.

“Umm. They were arguing about…umm…Lee Know.” Han blurted out the first thing that came out of his mouth. No oh…I’ve fucked up. Sweat started dripping down from his temples.

“Lee Know?” Felix tilted his head in confusion. “Who’s Lee Know?” Han just shrugged.

“I don’t know, but he must be important if it made them argue.” Han stated.

“But do you know any details.” Felix whined. Shit I don’t even know who that guy is. Should I just say I can’t remember. No Felix isn’t that dumb he will catch onto my ignorance-based façade. What should I say…hmm…? I can’t exactly say that Changbin likes you or can I? Han smirked.

“Changbin has a crush on Lee Know.” Han stated proudly. Felix gasped out of shock.

“Wow!? Saucy. You have to tell me everything.” Felix sat up and shuffled closer to the bed where Han had his guitar propped up on his lap. “Was it a love triangle? Does Chan like someone else other than Yuna? Did they fight over this Lee Know guy?” Felix questioned intently. You have really done it this time Han. Get ready for a bombardment of lies.

…

The bass vibrated down Chan’s body as he sat down with a group of college mates. He could hardly hear them. Chan didn’t particularly want to go to the party tonight, but Yuna begged him. Chan glanced over in the direction of Yuna who was making out with some stranger Chan didn’t know. He felt a violated feeling swell in his stomach as he scrunched his face in disgust. He felt empty sitting there playing cards and drinking while his girlfriend made out with anyone she wanted but god forbid he if tired anything like that. It felt unfair to him.

“Chan don’t look so defeated. You aren’t really in love with that girl. She is just a fling. You are just a high schooler don’t worry about her. Let her do her own thing. You will get plenty of girls in college.” A guy named Chase tried to lift his spirits, but it only resulted in Chan feeling even more like shit. I don’t really want girls in college. I don’t even know what I want. Maybe I don’t really want to date. Hopefully Yuna gets bored of me soon.

“Nah. Yuna is the only one.” Chan argued politely with an awkward laugh while contradicting his internal thoughts.

“If you say so, as long as you give us a turn of her. Haha. We all share here.” Chase elaborated. Chan tensed. He didn’t want to agree and indicate in any way that he was okay with the conversation. I got to stir this conversation elsewhere. Hmm.

“Are you guys going to the house party next weekend?” Someone else had saved Chan. Everyone basically cheered at the question. “How about you Chan?” The stranger asked.

“Yeah, nah. I got other commitments to go too. Maybe next time.” Chan answered. Should I leave now? Grab Yuna and go. Chan got up and curiously made his way to Yuna. “Umm. Yuna can we leave now? I want to check in on I.N. on our way home.” Chan tried to convince Yuna which ended up interrupting her make-out session.

“Tsk. Chan really?! I.N. again. Listen just go without me. I’ll find my own way home.” She stated quickly and went straight back too sucking face with some college jock.

“Okay see you around. I guess.” Chan walked to his car and drove to I.N.’s house. He couldn’t help but feel defeated and used. Not valued, but soon enough he will see I.N. while Yuna might make him feel like shit but I.N. gave Chan a sense of warmth and care.

Chan arrived at I.N.’s parents house and knocked on the door and waited for I.N. to answer. Seems like his parents aren’t home again due to the lack of cars. Chan observed. The door opened, revealing a yawning I.N. who wore blue check patterned PJ’s.

“Hey Innie. Sorry if I woke you. Can I come in?” Chan asked. I.N. just nodded with a hum and invited him in by moving the door wider. They made there, way over to the couch. “Parents not home?” I.N. shook his head with a weak smile and quickly took a glance at the floor. “It’s starting to get colder. You know. You should start wearing warmer clothes.” I.N. nodded with a sigh. “Whatcha watching?”

“I don’t know. Some soap opera.” I.N. finally spoke his voice a little hoarse. Chan hummed then laid down to put his head in I.N.’s lap. Chan felt I.N. tense up at his actions. “Sorry.” Chan apologised while having a glance at I.N.’s face before placing his arm over his eyes. Chan could have sworn he saw I.N.’s face flushed with a shade of red. “I need to relax. Had a rough night. Your face looked red, and your voice is hoarse please make sure you stay warm. You can’t get sick.”  

“Tsk. I know Hyung. I’m fine. Don’t baby me. You always do.” I.N. whined. Chan just smiled sweetly and a faint snort. Man, I’m wrecked. So tired. I wonder if Yuna will be gets home safely. No matter. I’m fine. She’s fine. She’s happy… Chan let his thoughts run until darkness subdued his mind.

…

Han and Hyunjin sat down, and silence engulfed the atmosphere. Both of them averting each other’s glaze. I should say something. I gotta get on with the tutoring anyway, but I must know what happened in the cafeteria the other day. Han thought as the silence was getting too suffocating. “Hyunjin. I was thinking, why don’t you ask Seungmin to help with English?”

“Oh! It’s because I want to surprise him. I want to do better. We had an argument and I really want to try be better for him. I really hurt him.” Hyunjin stated happily but developed into memories of the argument which showed some pain on his face as his head lowered further with each syllable. “By the way thank you for this. Your house is really nice.” Hyunjin tried to direct the subject, as he looked around the room.

“Thanks. No problem. Haha.” An awkward moment passed. “Hyunjin. The other day… those girls in the cafeteria… Do you know what they were talking about?” Hyunjin panicked a little before…

“I have no idea. Hahaha”  switching to a fake happy tone. Han frowned. Don’t lie.

“Hyunjin.”

“Yes?” Hyunjin answered.

“You’re good at lying, aren’t you?” Hyunjin gulped at Han accusation. “Maybe you should join drama.” Jisung laughed to lighten the mood and stood up to leave the low to the wooden floor living room table. I hope he is alright. I know what it’s like to have rumours spread about one's self.

“Han…” Hyunjin said quietly.

“Hmm.”

“I’m scared.” Han surprised by Hyunjin’s words begun concerned more so then he already was. Those words hung in the air for a moment. He must be hurting so much having eyes judge you and words spiral out of control to the point nothing is true. Lies. Lies made to hurt someone to punish them. At least Hyunjin is innocent... right?

“What!? You're crazy. What’s there to be scared of?” Han asked.

“Seungmin… He will find out about the rumour.” Hyunjin chocked up. Seungmin?

“Seungmin isn’t silly enough to believe stupid rumours Hyunjin.” Han reassured him.

“But… It’s bad. Almost everyone knows now.” Hyunjin was trembling at this point. Han held his hands out to him. I don’t know what it is, but I know there is one going around. I know what it’s like. Poor Hyunjin.

“I don’t know what it is. Hyunjin… What am I to do with you? Seungmin is too smart. So don’t worry.” Han’s eyes softened when Hyunjin threw himself into his arms.  

“Han. He said he needs to speak seriously with me after I leave here. He knows. He won’t want to be friends with me anymore.” Hyunjin cried. He cried a lot. He looked like a small lost child crying out for his mum. “They all lie Han. Why are they doing it? Why are they saying it? It’s not fair.” Han was stunned. Han wanted to trust Hyunjin so much. Hyunjin is so sensitive even though he acts like a douche he really cares about what others think. He cares what his friends think. I feel the urge to comfort him. I was literally hating him the other day, but now it’s like a want to be close with him. I want to watch movies, play games, and eat together. Like friends would.

“Just tell him the truth. Tell him it’s just a rumour” Han said after Hyunjin had calmed down a bit. Han only felt Hyunjin’s head nod and that was enough.

“Thank you.” Hyunjin mumbled. Han could only smile, and this smile was because he knew they now had an unspoken friendship. A friendship that Han knows he could tell Hyunjin his problems and not be told rubbish to try be nice, instead Hyunjin would tell him how it is and vis versa.

…

“Hyunjin! What were you thinking?” Seungmin said angrily. Hyunjin couldn’t say or do anything. He felt paralysed. What was he supposed to do?

“I-“

“No. I don’t want to hear it. Hyunjin. You fucked with him of all people. Don’t you remember Chan saying he was bad news? Are you really that dumb? It’s always violating the rules for you isn’t it?” Seungmin cried. Minnie that’s a lie. I have never done anything like that. Please hear me out. Hyunjin thought but, nothing escaped his lips and when he tried Seungmin’s anger shut him down.

“Minnie. Please…don’t” Hyunjin said faintly and shaky too nervous and frightened to speak any louder.

“Don’t what? Expose you? Hyunjin I thought you could change but I guess I was wrong. Don’t come near me. I don’t want to be friends with someone like you.” Seungmin pounded his footsteps against the wooden flooring in their shared apartment indignantly towards his room, leaving Hyunjin there broken. Seungmin. Please come back. I don’t wanna be alone. I’m sorry. Don’t leave. Hyunjin’s breathe hitched and he started hyperventilating as he fell on his knees. A large slam was heard and a wailed cry was voiced from Hyunjin’s perfect lips as he pressed his hands against his head to fight back the stabbing pain but not long after he lost balance due to the world around him spinning. He saved himself by punching the ground to support his torse. He stayed like that whimpering and sometimes catching a glimpse of his tears that fell on the hard cold floor while the blurriness of his vision disappeared only to return a second later as more tears threatened to never stop falling.

…

Seungmin forcefully pushed open his door and if anymore force could have been applied it would have been torn off its hinges. The sound felt harsh once the doorknob hit the wall, as it made Seungmin’s heart sink. Once closed Seungmin recoiled into himself. Why would he do it? It isn’t like him. Did he do it? Everyone says he did. He must have. Seungmin’s feeling cascaded like neon lights at the bar therefore he started pacing. His inner turmoil eating away any clarity. Seungmin begun receiving a headache. Why do I care so much about him? I hate how he goes partying. I hate the fact he fails all subjects. I hate the fact he doesn’t think about consequences. He is a walking rebel. So, someone please tell me why? Tell me why I like him so damn much? Seungmin groaned in frustration while pushing his palms against his eyes and falling on his bed. Now his muscles twitched from earlier pre-aggravation, then he felt something wet slide down his cheek. Am I crying? Crying because of him. Why? Why does he always make me feel like this? Why can’t I just hate him? Why can’t I feel good about not sticking up for his ass? Why does he make me care so fucking much? Seungmin could hear his thoughts screaming. Why do I still worry about him? I know he couldn’t have done it, but I just don’t really know why I feel so bad?

…

“It’s been two days now. Do you think he will show for school today?” Han asked Felix who seemed brighter from knowing that Changbin and Chan were friends again.

“I hope he will come today. I miss him. I hope that he is feeling okay.” Felix said out of concern for his friend. Hyunjin can be really sensitive, even if he tries not to always show it. I just know that he can’t help it. If he was here, then I just know he wouldn’t be able to hold it all in and that’s why he needs some time to heal. I want to make some brownies for him. Maybe I should take it over to him? Felix thought.

“He’ll be fine.” Changbin joined. Felix gulped and shifted a little bit away from where Changbin sat. Changbin? Oh no. Where do I look? How do I act? All I can remember is how scary his eyes were.

“Binnie Hyung. Did you hear the rumour? I heard it yesterday and I haven’t been able to contact Jinnie at all.” Han asked Changbin. Jinnie? Why is Han calling him by a nickname? I thought they weren’t that close enough yet?

Changbin nodded while looking around suspiciously but his glaze fixed onto a group of people in particular.

“Where is he?” Minho arrived slamming his hands on the table. Felix and Han both jumped at the sudden action. Minho? He looks angry.

“Not here” Changbin answered. Who? Seungmin? Chan? Hyunjin?

“Ugh.” Minho rolled his eyes and turned around walking out of the cafeteria.

“I’ll be back” Han said and followed after Minho. Hannie no wait. Let me come. I don’t want to be left alone with Changbin Hyung. Felix got up to follow, but Han started to ran and before Felix could follow Changbin asked a question.

“Felix. How has your morning been?” Changbin started small talk which held an uncomfortable atmosphere. Felix played with his fingers nervously while adverting eyes away from Changbin. Do I answer? Good or scary now you’re here.

“Umm…g-good. How about you?” Felix felt his body shaking he raised his hand to feel his pulse.

“That’s good to hear and I’m rather good. I was wondering if there was anything in particular you wanted for your birthday?” Changbin asked and waited intently for the answer. Huh? My birthday? I don’t want anything from him. I mean I do, but….

“Oh! No. No. I don’t except anything. Really.” Felix felt a little flustered about Changbin’s question.

“Felix likes fluffy stuffed animals, games, cooking. So Changbin get him something related to those things.” Seungmin sat down at the table. Minnie looks as if he has been crying again last night. His eyes seem red and puffy.

“You're right Seungmin. Haha. But still doesn’t hurt to ask.” Changbin giggled then slid something over the table. I shouldn’t think about it. Seungmin will be fine. Maybe I’ll give him an English-speaking session. He loves those. “Seungmin. Here. You might need these.” Seungmin picked up the small glass bottle.

“Hyung. I’m fine. My eyes are fine.” Seungmin shared a small smile. “But thank you.” He mumbled while placing it on his lap and his gaze became distant. Changbin let out a proud sigh.

“Felix do you prefer cooking actual meals or baking sweets?” Seungmin questioned circling back to the previous topic. Sweets!

“Oh. Baking sweets for sure. You could say I have a little sweet tooth. Teehee” Felix smiled while pulling out a choc chip cookie from his bag then proceeded to nom on it. Changbin smiled and Felix couldn’t help but notice something is Changbin’s eyes that were warm and soft, but then again he hadn’t looked into Changbin’s eyes since last night. They are different now, not scary.

…

Changbin looked at Felix’ eyes which stared straight back with wonder and puzzlement. Changbin forced a cough and proceeded to speak.

“I better go. I need to line up to get my chicken meal from the canteen or they’ll be sold out. Be right back.” Changbin got up and walked towards the canteen but started hearing some stuff from the group sitting next to the line.

“Yeah. That group. You know they are all fucking each other because Lee Know turned them all into his fuck buddies.” One of the boys started. What the fuck did he just say?

“Ha! I heard BangChan is in charge of meet-up’s”

“Really?! What about the blonde Australian who sounds like a retard when speaking Korean?” Felix? The fuck they say. I’ll kill them. Changbin couldn’t stop his pulsation from raising, but he tried to ground himself by clenching his fists.

“Ha! I bet he is the gayest because of his little stuffed animals and baked goods.”

“I guess it’s quite funny how you spread that rumour around Sujin. You know about Hyunjin taking advantage of you.”

“Okay enough now.” Sujin stated spitefully. “Lee Know and BangChan will pay.” Changbin’s anger consumed him. He wanted to rip the limbs off these guys and force feed their eyeballs to each other while giving them tortuous stabs of the knife now and again. How dare these fuckers speak like this about Felix, BangChan, Hyunjin and Lee know I’ll kill them.

“YAH! Who the fuck gives you guys the fucking right to talk fucking shit about my friends?” Changbin yelled out furiously causing a commotion.

“Ha. The little man is angry ‘bout his wittle friends” One of the boys taunted Changbin with baby talk. You’re fucking first. Changbin growled at him then grabbed the boy’s collar held his hand in a fist seeming like he was about to punch the boy.

“Hey. Now. Now. Clam down. Changbin we don’t need to fight.” Sujin tried to calm Changbin down with a usually calm and sweet voice that came across rather creepily.

“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down you lying son of a bi-“

“Binnie Hyung!” Felix screamed while running over to him with Seungmin, Chan and I.N. “Please don’t fight him.” Felix pleaded with his eyes filled with worry and fear.

“Even need back-up from your friends. Pathetic.” Sujin laughed. Changbin didn’t listen to what Sujin said all he focused on was Felix’ terrified little face. Changbin wanted to punch this guy’s face in but Felix’ face told him everything. Felix didn’t want that. Changbin released his grip on the boy’s collar.

“Don’t ever let me catch you talking shit about my friends, or I’ll kill you.” Changbin gave the dirtiest, nastiest, and blood lustful glare he has ever given to this group of bullies and walked back towards his friends fists still clenched in rage. A sudden cry rang in Changbin’s ears as he looked up to Felix with so much horror and concern illustrated in his eyes.

“Binnie look out!” Wow! Felix seems so concerned. It would make me so giddy if I wasn’t so pissed at that group. Wait?! Look out? Changbin then realised Felix wasn’t looking at him but behind him. Next thing Changbin felt was a huge painful force hit the back of his head.

Black…

Changbin groaned as he woke up a few seconds later, although disoriented from his current state he made a wobbled attempted to force his way onto his feet but ended falling into someone arms. A teacher had started speaking and giving out punishments.

“Binnie! You’re awake. Thank god.” Felix relieved and joyful when he saw Changbin’s eyes open. Felix? Felix caught me. Chan and I.N. were speaking to the teacher about the situation that had just unfolded. Where am I? My head hurts. The last thing I remember was looking at Felix who was yelling desperately. Wait- why? Oh Shit! Fuck! That Group. If Changbin’s eyes weren’t already fully widened and ready to go, well now Changbin felt a burst of adrenaline and was ready to fight.

“Felix are you okay? Where are they I’ll kill them-“ Changbin started ranting.

“Shh. Changbin hyung. No stop. Everything is under control. I’m fine. It’s you that I’m worried about. Don’t worry about those guys for now.” Felix tried reassuring Changbin by stroking his hair. Changbin took a deep breathe. Felix worried? Is Felix patting my hair? Why is he so nice? I’m so tired all of a sudden. “Seungmin he seems alright.” Changbin started to relax his muscles, adrenaline started leaving his body and he started closing his eyes.

“No. He’s going to the hospital to check up on that concussion.” Seungmin frowned while snapping his fingers in front of Changbin’s face to keep him awake. “Don’t let him fall asleep.”

…

“Minho. Wait up.” Han called out. Minho didn’t wait at all. Han reached him and grabbed his arm.

“What the fuck- get off me.” Minho hissed.

“Minho where are you going? Are you looking for Hyunjin? He most likely won’t come today. Haven’t you noticed he hasn’t been here for the last two days?” Han tried to reason with Minho.

“Like I said don’t get buddy-buddy with me. I don’t care and yes I have noticed. So, shut up and go away.” Minho snapped.

“I get it. You don’t like me. I don’t like you either, but at least I’m trying for the sake of the others. What do you do?” Han started yelling at Minho. A silence passed.

“More than you know.” Minho whispered. “Don’t just show up and think you know everything just because you may have been through some traumatic shit. Most of us have too.” Minho started running again. Han didn’t chase him this time. He let him go.

“Tsk. Then tell me or show me how I can make you trust me.” Han said to himself. “How am I supposed to know anything if you don’t tell me. I just want to know if you’re like me…”

…

Shit this bike lock is annoying.

“Hwang Hyunjin! I found you!” Minho shouted near the front gates of the school. Hyunjin whipped around from locking up his bike to face Minho who seemed pissed. Shit. Act natural.

“Oh. Hello Minho. What’s up?” Hyunjin responded in half-heartly. Minho then grabbed Hyunjin by the collar of his shirt and pushed him up to the concreted wall which surrounded part of the bike racks. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He’s going to kill me. I knew this day would come, but not this soon.

“Why the fuck is there a rumour about you and Sujin.” Minho glared intently at Hyunjin waiting for a reply.

“Let me explain. Okay but Hyung…you’re hurting me let go.” Hyunjin chocked out.

“Oh.” Minho let go. “Speak now.”

“I didn’t do anything. I don’t know why those rumours are going around, I was only his partner for a chemistry project which I did nothing in. Man, I didn’t show up for that class half of the time.” Hyunjin said rubbing the back of his neck.

“…” Minho’s silence gave Hyunjin the cue to continue. Minho hadn’t missed the darkness under the younger’s eyes.  

“I got a text from a girl named Reece, she sent me a screenshots of their group chat and they were planning it for a while.” Hyunjin pulled out his phone to show Minho. “She told me that she hates seeing them talk about our group the way they do, and she wanted to help as they didn’t give her any real reasons to hate us. She said all they kept repeating was our group was gay, blah blah blah.” Minho eyes morphed from anger to an almost frightful and paralysing stare. “Are you okay? Did she say anything else?” Minho recovered from a trauma induced look to his original stone face.

“I’m fine and no she didn’t.”

“I see” Minho cleared his throat. “Then why haven’t you told the rest of the group?” Minho questioned. “You have left them all worried.”

“Ah. Yes. Please don’t tell them the truth. I thought about it and decided that I want to prove to Seungmin that I am trying to change my colours and I want to prove my innocence my way. I want to work harder. Get to school on time. Pass my subjects, etc.” Hyunjin pleaded and explained his decision.

“Okay…Fine. I understand.” Minho crossed his arms. Hyunjin seemed surprised. Really? He’s not going to tell them. That’s comforting to know. A silence passed between them.

“Hyunjin Ah. Be careful around Sujin and that group. From now on don’t go near them because they could hurt you and come to me if they try anything.” Minho gave a look Hyunjin had never witnessed on his face before. It was warm with a mix of concern. Is there something deeper that happened with Minho and this group Sujin leads? Why is he so nice all of a sudden? Before Hyunjin could say anything to try uncover what was really happening someone ran by shouting about a fight.

“There is a fight in the cafeteria!” In earshot for Hyunjin and Minho to hear. “Apparently it’s that tough short rich guy that hangs out with BangChan and Sujin’s group. Talk about an unfair fight.” They must be talking about…

Minho and Hyunjin looked at each other in concern. “Changbin” They both said simultaneously.

…

The ambulance had arrived once Hyunjin and Minho arrived at the cafeteria.

“Is he going to be okay?” Hyunjin yelped.

“Don’t worry Hyung. He will. It’s good to see you finally come to school. How are you feeling?” Felix asked. “I was planning on making you brownies and gifting them to you if you weren’t at school today.” Felix stated shyly while looking down at his feet.

“Well Felix. I would still love some brownies. Let’s make them together. I’ll come home with you after school.” Hyunjin smiled at Felix smiled for real. The first real smile since Seungmin had declared their friendship over. Thank you so much for caring Felix. You really are our little sunshine.

…

Chan and I.N. walked over to where the rest of the group was.

“Changbin is suspended for 3 days.” Chan stated defeatedly with a sigh. “He is traveling to the hospital now in the ambulance so they can check his concussion. The boy who hit him is also suspended for 3 days.” Chan finished relaying his message.

“Tsk. 3 days. He should be expelled. Changbin didn’t even hit anyone.” Felix hissed in defence.

“Don’t worry Felix I agree.” Minho spoke up. Everyone was a little surprised by Minho except for Chan and Hyunjin. They both knew he hated that group for a reason, and he must be pissed that there wasn’t a fair punishment passed to their friend and pissed him off more that the punishment for the other wasn’t as severe as it should’ve been. This is fucked. If that group is trying to fuck with Hyunjin and now Changbin. I can’t let that slide. I know Chan can’t either. I need to find a way to keep thee guys safe. Minho looked at Chan who gave him a nod. A nod of ‘we need to talk’. I think if these things keep happening then I’ll have to tell everyone about what happened that night. Minho thought. 

Chapter Text

“It’s not fair. I missed everything.” Han complained while clenching his jaw and scrunching up his nose as he wrote down an English sentence in his English book.

“Hannie, it was a fight. They aren’t nice to witness.” Felix assured him. Felix head generally slumps down reimagining the fight and how he hoped Changbin wouldn’t get hurt. Although Changbin frightens Felix, Felix still loves all his friends. He wants to feel comfortable around Changbin again, but it’s easier said than done. When something scares Felix it’s almost impossible for him to fight it head on.

“No. I’m pissed. It’s all your fault Minho. Couldn’t you have just not run off.” Han blamed. Minho just rolled his eyes.

“I didn’t force you to follow me.” Minho frowned defensively. He really gets on my nerves, but there is just something about him. It seems he doesn’t say or do what really wants to express. He actions seem so exaggerated more so than Hyunjin, but his eyes… 

“Hannie! You had just left me there all alone. How could you?” Felix whined while grabbing onto the back Han’s shirt, breaking Minho’s chain of thought. Han giggled along with Felix’ childlike nonsense. Minho heard them start chatting about a new episode of an anime they started watching, therefore Minho decided to tune out. He tried to continue working on English. He was supposed to write a sentence about who his hero is. My hero? Chan is the only one that I can think of. He rescued me. Minho looked out the window. Spacing out with now a tint of sadness washed over his stone face. I wonder why? What’s Sujin trying to achieve? Why provoke Changbin? Why spread rumours about Hyunjin? I wish he would just disappear and my memories along with him. Minho sighed.

…

“Minho. You’re coming to our birthday party right?” Felix asked innocently.

“I mean. I guess I can.” He said shrugging then turning back to his English work in front of him. Usually, Han would have felt anger or resentment towards Minho but today was different. Han had been feeling it for a while, since the mention of the birthday party. Han was too distracted to even feel annoyance towards Minho, instead he feels anxious. Han averted his eyes away from the two, instead he tried writing some sentences about his anime hero. Although Han couldn’t rip out of his worried state. He feels on edge. What if it happens again? No! Han these guys are different. I’m sure of it. Han noticed the leg bouncing and tried to forcefully stop it, but only seconds later it would start-up again. Han could feel his heart pumping quicker than usual. Shit. No. no. no. Han no don’t panic. Please. Calm. Breathe. Han took in a deep shaky breathe. Don’t think about them. Stupid food. Stupid movie. Stupid people…Stupid…me. Han leaned his head forward slightly.

“Hannie? Are you okay?” Felix stretched out his hand towards Han’s shoulder. No. Felix please leave me alone. I don’t want to pretend to be happy right now…but looks like I don’t have a choice. If I can only hang on until end of class?

“I’m fine.” Han raised his head up with a forced smile and enthusiastic as ever. “I’m just shaking because I’ve never had a birthday party with friends before. I’m so excited and nervous at the same time.” Han lied. He lied again to Felix. He always lies. He always pretends. Fuck. Han. You really are a coward. Minho burrowed his eyes into Han as if seeing right through his deception. Minho can see right past him, and that’s the reason Minho doesn’t trust him. Minho picks up on Han’s mannerisms, which seem too exaggerated all the time. Oblivious to Minho’s stare; Han focus’ on Felix and his interactions to make sure Felix doesn’t catch onto his inner turmoil of past trauma. To Han, Minho is the least of his worries…for now.

…

“Lee Know? Please talk to me. I really need an answer.” Chan sat beside Minho in the school’s studio recording room. Minho averted his eyes. Minho wants to desperately just tell Chan all his worries and everything that makes him insecure, but Lee Know can’t. He knows that Chan has enough on his plate already. Lee Know tugged at the selves of his own cardigan making little paws. He knows Chan would have cooed if he wasn’t as serious as he looks. Chan wanted- no, needed to make sure Lee Know is okay and that Lee Know needs to give some indication to the group that Sujin and his group are worse than Chan and Changbin already make them out to be. After some time, Chan let out a sigh and patted Lee Know’s shoulder, and causing Lee Know to jerk at the touch. “Just think about a way to warn them.” Chan finally said as he got up and walked over to his work area.

“I don’t know his game Chan. I would be lying if I said I’m not scared.” Minho no more than whispered. “I don’t understand. Why spread the rumours about Hyunjin and antagonise Changbin? Is it that he is trying to hurt me by messing with my friends?” Minho felt like bursting out all of his bottled-up emotions. Chan froze. Wide-eyed, as Lee Know never usually let’s anyone in. Chan finally softens his gaze. Chan really didn’t know the answer himself.

“Lee Know. I am not sure as well, but I really think you need to tell everyone soon. I’m not forcing to say anything, and I will not speak on your behalf. Lee Know just don’t leave it too late. At least speak with Hyunjin. He deserves that much.” Chan gave a small encouraging smile. Lee Know forced a smile but it looked more like a scary grin than anything.  

…

I.N. was leaning against the door of the music studio. Why am I eavesdropping? It’s none of business right? I mean Chan just said this Lee Know needs to tell our group something. After some thinking I.N. decides he will walk in and try act normal. Chan had wanted to see him. He doesn’t know who this Lee Know guy is, but I.N. could feel a dread overcome him. It’s a similar dread to when Yuna is around, but the emotion isn’t as strong. He opens the door.

Minho? – Minho is this Lee Know guy. Huh? “Is this a bad time Chris?” I.N. could feel the tension thick to the brim. I.N. could understand the situation just with the atmosphere, but he did happen to hear the whole conversation, so that helps too.

“I.N.! No, it’s perfect timing. Lee Know you were just leaving.” Chan glances at Minho. Minho nodded. Minho didn’t want to say anything else. He started feeling sick. A violating feeling passed his stomach and made his lips loosen into a pout underlined with a frown – because of the need to hold off from vomiting. Minho knows he needs to say something, but to actually open up his trauma to people meant they could pry and bug him until he relives that memory. Suddenly, he feels all the blood drain from his face making him feel lightheaded. He tries to say bye but doesn’t have the energy and now can only think about getting to the nearest bathroom.

“I.N. I wanted to check up on you.” Chan started, not noticing Minho’s condition. I.N. rolls his eyes.

“I’m fine. No symptoms.” I.N. knew Chan would bother him sooner or later about his illness. I.N. hates how Chan only cares about his health, but not his emotions unlike how he checks on Minho. I.N. annoyed lost all interest in wanting to be here. Although he couldn’t leave. Chan was wearing his usual black attire and dyed his hair a blonde which didn’t do his pale skin any justice but still I.N. thought he made him look handsome, nevertheless. I.N. just wants to tease him. Tell his hair makes him look older, but I.N. didn’t have the energy to rile Chan up.

“I.N….I mean I wanted to check up on all of you. How are you? Let’s catch up. Talk to me.” Chan corrected himself feeling a little guilty that I.N. misread what he was trying to say. Changbin had told Chan he sucked at communicating. Chan needs to get better and after the fight and Changbin opening his eyes to Yuna making I.N. feel uncomfortable he needed a long overdue check up on his younger. I.N. could hardly believe his ears, as it was almost too good to be true. Every time Chan and he have been together it’s always with Yuna or one of them just needs physical comfort. I.N. was immediately about make word vomit as in terms of Yuna, but hesitated. I.N. just remembered Yuna was his girlfriend. He loves her. I.N.’s heart shrunk, as he was about to ruin his best friend – and crush brother’s love life because his girlfriend is a bitch who cheats on him and bullies his friend, while also expecting gifts left, right, and centre. I.N. had to think for a moment, while Chan started showing signs of concern. I.N. wanted nothing more for Chan to understand that she doesn’t deserve him. That Chan needs to know I.N. is always here if he needs. No matter what for. That Chan needs to know he can do so much better because Chan is so gentle, kind, and safe. But I.N. buries all that deep in the back of his mind. I.N. smiles. Showing his dimples, while fantasising that Yuna wasn’t Chan’s girlfriend and that I.N. was Chan’s number 1 not as a little brother or friend because that doesn’t sound right either. Instead I.N. deep down knew what he wants from Chan even though he can never have it. I.N. vowels he will always feel this way towards Chan. I.N. will always feel a warmth when with him. I.N. knows he will always be in love with this dork even with all his faults.

“Never been better.” I.N. finally answered. Yep. I love you, Chan. So, I have to make sure I don’t bring you down in anyway.

…

Minho punches the bathroom door open with the hand that was holding onto his stomach, as the other hand was too occupied clasping over his mouth trying it’s best to comfort his gag reflex in hopes to not vomit. Minho didn’t have time. He forced down any dry reaching and suffered through cramp like pains surging through his upper chest  the whole way from studio with Chan until now where just in time reaches the toilet. Once Minho sights the toilet his legs give way and collapses with a hard thud his knees receiving all his body weight until his hands squeeze the sides of the toilet bowl which gave some relief to his knees but that all disappears once he feels all bits of food and liquids projectile out of his mouth.

Minho flushes the toilet. He takes toilet paper and wipes it and some vomit residue surrounding his mouth. Yuck. That felt disgusting. Minho just wants to go home at this point, but of course he has dance practice. He has a project due next week but going home sounds more appealing at the moment. Minho sucks through his teeth and decides he is feeling a little better after his ‘toilet session’ and decides to get practice over and done with, but first he wants to wash his mouth out to erase that foul bitter feeling and smell of spew.

…

Minho started heading towards the dance studio. He followed his regular route, going past the old oak tree that is very out of place in the school and Minho can’t help but empathise with it; Tennis courts where an after-school club is playing and the gymnasium. He paused as he felt a gust of wind pick up. It tugged his hair playfully, but Minho couldn’t help feel a sense of eeriness while dirt and fallen orange and brown leaves were tossed carelessly around.

“It’s getting colder, and winter is just around the corner.” Minho sighed to himself as a shiver ran up his spine. I hate the cold.

Just as he took a couple steps forward he halted again as someone appeared just a little distance in front of him. The last person Minho wanted to see. Minho felt dread run his veins cold. He started having the same feeling when Chan and he spoke but this time it’s 100x worse.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t our Min~ I see you’re still a boy.” Sujin cooed with that creepy yet almost soothing voice. Minho was frozen. He looked like a deer caught in front of headlights. “Aren’t you going to say hello to your old friend? Oh wait. Wasn’t I your Ex-boyfriend.” Minho wanted to run away but when he turned heel behind him there were people he hoped he’d never have to see again but there they were.

“W-What do you want?” Lee Know’s voice betrayed him with a crack, and he had no control over his shaking body. Lee Know wished for Chan to swoop in and get him out of this mess like last time or that he was just having a nightmare but the good thing about nightmares is that you wake up and it all disappears. Lee Know knew this wasn’t going to vanish like a dream. He knew this was real.

“Did you like our little show earlier today?” Sujin smirked. “I’m sure that your friends must be going through some issues. One by one they will crack as we stab their weaknesses. I hear you have a new addition too. This will be so much fun.” Minho bit down on his lip. It seemed like it was going to bleed, but Minho was pre-occupied to engage with the pain.

“Leave them alone. They didn’t do anything.” Minho took a step forward trying to be brave but almost instantly backed down from Sujin’s grimace glare. “Let me go.” Minho begged timidly.

“I’m not holding you hostage. Now am I?” Sujin sarcastically sound offended. ”You can go. It’s not like I or my mates here have a sharp hold on you.” Sujin smirked at Minho’s trembling figure eyeing it up and down as to represent a predator deciding what part of his prey to bite into first. Minho thoughts were forced into his traumatic past with the bed, the knife and Chan making it just in time. He knew Sujin’s choice of words were to intimidate him, and Minho fell for it. Minho believed he could make a run for it, but his body felt heavy making him unable to move, also with his thoughts not together that open window of running away was forced shut. Sweat became visible and his breathing apparent and rapidly growing faster.

What do I do? Minho thought. Run? I Can’t. Yell out? Maybe. Let them have me? … Minho gulped as he came to a decision, screwing his eyes shut in anticipation in order to yelp for help but before he could initiate his plan. Someone called out.

“Minho! I found you! I’ve been looking everywhere.” A long black-haired boy yelled extremely loud almost as if scolding Minho.

Minho looked up and his eyes flew open to stare at Hyunjin what felt like a minutes cumulated to seconds relief flushed through his system. Relief until he pictured Sujin’s evil smirked face. Minho glanced around his surrounds. Sujin had fled. Minho took a deep shaky breath. Minho was thankful Hyunjin appeared. Hyunjin wore an unpleasant scowl while making his way towards Minho. Minho thought that expression didn’t match Hyunjin at all. Minho tried to move, but the repercussions from exhibiting a range of strong emotions were starting to wear him down. He stumbled a bit, finding it hard to keep his balance and then heavy – fast paced footsteps were heard from behind him. Minho’s legs decided to stop functioning and he crumpled to the ground. Minho pushed an attempt to stand back up as soon as he pushed himself up gravity seemed to hold a vendetta because it tried to rip him back down. Before Minho could crashed back onto the ground he felt a sudden arm wrap around his waist. Minho snapped his head expecting Hyunjin.

“Jisung?!” Minho said in a surprised whisper. Jisung’s facial expression had never been this serious in front of Minho. Never been so honest and normal looking either. Minho felt quite embarrassed and flustered. He had never seen this side of Jisung. Jisung’s expression looked so real compared to his exaggerated façade he usually pulls, but then again maybe the façade is his way of coping. “I can hold himself up!” Minho exclaimed a little bit flustered. Jisung looked him dead in the eye, as if saying 'can you really?' Minho took another opportunity to search for Sujin.

“Who are you searching for?” Jisung inquired but kept up a stern look.

“No one.” Minho answered too quickly for Jisung’s liking.

“Minho? Are you okay?” Jisung now seemed quite concerned. Hyunjin arrived and stood idly next to them.

“I’m fine. I’m just going home now.”

“What about your dance practice?” Hyunjin interrupted.

“How-never mind.” Minho couldn’t care less about Hyunjin’s sudden interest in his after-school affairs.

“Felix wanted to know if you wanted to come dance with us.” Hyunjin’s excitement died and reformed into concern when he realised how unwell Minho looked. “I’ll let Felix know you were unwell.” Minho was surprised that Hyunjin didn’t dramatically beg him to come. Minho was also surprised by the fact Jisung was still holding onto him, but he knew he would just collapse if he let go. Minho just wants to go home now. He can’t go to practice now. Not after what the fuck just happened. Hyunjin said something Minho didn’t catch due to his internal thoughts running 100 miles a minute. He heard the vibration of Han’s throat as he made an affirmative hum. Once Hyunjin was out of sight an awkward silence passed while embracing Han passed.

“I see, then I’ll see tomorrow.” Jisung started propping Minho up, so that Minho could stand himself. Which Minho surprised himself with still being able to stand on his own. “I’ll catch you tomorrow at Felix’ place.” Jisung turned to leave. Minho didn’t know if it was because of Jisung’s exaggerated façade gone which left a vulnerable looking Jisung and that his eyes and expressions actually matched or the fact he didn’t want to be alone that caused Minho to say it, but he knows that he needs Jisung right now.

“Wait. Jisung. Don’t leave…” Minho started to say. Jisung’s eyes widened facing away from Minho as he has never heard Minho sound so desperate, so timid, so defenceless but once facing Minho his expression held empathy, so much so that Minho was afraid that it would all disappear into a lost void of deceit. Minho looked straight in his eyes. Minho for the first time thought he could trust this boy in front of him, not the one he first met in English class, but this one. Jisung’s eyes held so much emotion the rest of his face didn’t need to hide it like he usually did. Minho was even more captivated by the most honest gummy smile he’d ever seen.

“Idiot. Why didn’t you say that in the first place? I know what it feels like. Not wanting to be alone.” Jisung sympathised while taking Minho’s hands. “I had no friends until I came here. I always moved schools.” Jisung explained with a sorrowful gaze in his eyes but his smile never fading instead his lips joined together and form a upward curved line. “I want to help.” His eyes became joyful again pushing back his past memories. Minho was glad to witness the bittersweetness Han shared.

 Minho was also a little perplexed about what had unfolded. He thought it unsafe to stay here any longer though, afraid that his old group of friends would return and give him trauma flashbacks once again.

“Do you want to walk home with me?” Minho asked shyly and bitterly. He thought Jisung would laugh and tease him or deceit him in some way, but none of it happened.

“If you really want me to. I’d be happy.” Han responded with Minho’s face looking gobsmacked while he stared into Han’s eyes which reflected an honest gleam. Minho wondered why Jisung suddenly stopped putting up this fake façade with him. Han wasn’t forcing a gummy smile instead keeping a pleasant, curved line. Minho felt a little conflicted whether he should trust Jisung to know where he lives, but everything was telling Minho at this moment to trust the boy in front of him, no matter how much didn’t want too.

…

“Oh. Just place your shoes on the wooden shoe rack. Wherever there is space.” Minho called from the living room. Which was the room directly after the entrance.

“Meow~”

“Hi Soongie” Minho cooed. Minho gave Soongie a scratch behind the ears, as well as pats and rubs on her cheeks and forehead. He felt her affectionate purr. Minho usually a stone-faced boy gave a bright smile to his Soongie. He looked up at another cat who meowed and spun around walking into the kitchen. “Nice to see you too Doongie.” Minho rolled his eyes while he followed Doongie, but his smile never dimmed. Jisung had never seen Minho give such a genuine happy smile. Jisung had decided that if Minho didn’t trust him then what would be the point in being enthusiastic when it’s just them. It’s not like he wants to be friends. Minho is his enemy after all right? Even if Minho is his enemy he wouldn’t be an asshole if help was needed like in moments before. It took Jisung by surprise by the fact Minho asked him to walk him home. Jisung liked the look of Minho’s house very traditional compared to his own.

“Meow~” Soongie rubbed her head against Minho’s legs.

“Nyaa, I know you want food. Give me a second.” Lee Know put his school bag down and crouched down to a low hanging cupboard and pulled out some cat biscuits. Another cat appeared in the kitchen upon hearing a packet filled with treats. “Here you go.” He put a small handful in each of their bowls. “What are you staring at? Are you surprised I have three cats or what?” Minho asked confused at Jisung’s expression which was a stare in awe of how Minho’s real nature was. Jisung did a horrible job at keeping a composure he couldn’t speak. He felt this lump in his throat.

“Hahahaha.” Minho laughed “Cat got your tongue?” He smirked. Jisung choked on air from Minho’s flirtatious question. Jisung didn’t know how to feel. He used to know that he hated Minho for his hard and cold demeanour, but now Minho is showing a soft and playful side. It’s confusing as hell to Jisung.

“No. Just I’ve never seen you act this way.” Jisung said flustered while giving a sideways glance. Minho’s face turned back to his neutral expression which looked grouchy.

“Fine then. I’ll stop acting like my usual self.” An awkward pause occurred. “Just kidding.” Minho joked making a devilish smirk. “I hate people who hide behind fake façades to hide. It may come across contradicting to you, but I am normally like how I am at school, but I can also be fun. Don’t be too quick to write people off. Or else you won’t make any friends.”

“Oh” was all Jisung could say. He couldn’t believe that Minho was giving him a lecture about how to make friends. “Wait. You said you didn’t need friends, so why should I take advice from you?!” Jisung protested.

“I thought I couldn’t trust you. Trust is another subject with how you act.” Minho crossed his arms and sighed while looking up seeming like he is thinking deeply. “Being friends with someone is different than being friends with someone you trust. Just because you’re friends with someone doesn’t mean they can’t hurt you. You may put trust in someone, but they don’t return it. ” Minho voice became serious.

“Yeah…You’re right there.” Jisung agreed also succumbing to a serious atmosphere.  

“I am not good with people because I find it hard to trust people due to past accidents. I can see you do too, but you need to be more honest with my friends. Like if you have second thoughts about something. Surface them not drown them.” Minho confessed. Jisung’s eyes widened. Accident? I wonder what happened? Wait?! Honest?! He knew that I’ve been hiding my true thoughts and feelings!? Anyway, at least we are getting along and I’m just me. I don’t have to be more dramatic than usual, but I’m still Han Jisung.

“Really? I wouldn’t have guessed. You. not good with people?” Jisung said sarcastically with a dramatic gasp which developed into a giggle.

“Funny.” Minho retaliated sarcastically. Minho stared into Jisung eyes for a little too long for Jisung’s liking. Jisung stared back this time. Jisung admired his dark brown eyes which gleamed with a light of hope. That’s when it hit Jisung, as Jisung wasn’t done with his cheeky behaviour just yet and if Minho says he is really fun then he will get a kick out of this too.

“What? is there something on my face?” Jisung panicked rubbing his hand over his face dramatically.

“No.”

“Then what?”

“…”

“Oh no. Were you thinking of kissing me?!” Jisung exclaimed with a smug smirk.

“Yah! Are you stupid? Of course, I’m not thinking that. I was thinking about how I hope what I’m doing is the right choice.” Minho basically screamed. Averting his eyes, moment of silence transpired and their eyes locked again.

They both started to giggle at each other’s responses. Then Jisung let out a huge sigh and bumped his elbow onto the handle of a saucepan on the stove top, which he had ended up in front of. The cats screeched in fright. Silence echoed the room once the cats patted paw prints were too far to hear. Jisung couldn't help it. His throat vibrated with so much force it started to hurt as he laughed. Minho also couldn't hold it in himself, as he placed his palm on the edge of the kitchen bench top to support his weight. His other hand holding his stomach as he gasps for air.

...

Minho headed up stairs to his room. He took his clothes off and headed to the suite that connected to his room. He turned the shower on, to make it as hot as he could handle and stood there trying to cleanse some feelings away, especially the feelings he experienced with Sujin and his old friend group. I wonder. If I’m making the right choice and trusting again? I just feel different being around Jisung ever since he sat next to me. I’ve never spoken so much at school before him…and today I laughed…I laughed like my old self. Thoughts spiralled in his mind but the warm feeling from the shower made him want to never leave. Stream clouded his version and hot water hit his icy skin making him relaxed and contented. “What’s wrong with me lately?”

An image of Sujin’s smirk filled face appeared in Minho’s mind. Minho flinched by blinking his eyes consecutively as the water became an irritation on his face. Minho didn’t want to think about what happened or think about Sujin in general, so his mind wondered to Jisung. How Jisung treated him. How annoying Jisung could be. How funny Jisung could be. How comforting he is. Tomorrow I will deal with the thoughts of Sujin. Right now. I just want to rest.

…

*Click*

Minho was stunned looking perplexed by the sudden click and flash of a camera. Hyunjin just giggled at the reaction while everyone else sat in the living area of Felix’ apartment.

“oh. So, you want wet tissues stuffed in your mouth.” Minho threatened lethargically while grabbing the box of tissues Felix had placed on the kitchen counter in place of napkins. Hyunjin fast walked with panic dripping off him as his good looks do into the furthest area of the small living room. Minho glared at him while turning the kitchen tap on. Hyunjin gulped.

“Come here. Pretty boy.” Minho cooed creepily. Hyunjin tried to run passed him but was caught into a back hug. “Say Ahh.” Hyunjin fought to get out of Minho’s grip but failed. Minho ended dabbing some of the wet tissues on his cheek. “Remember. Today I show you mercy as a warning.” Hyunjin nodded his head in fear from Minho’s sinister whispered threat.

…

“Say cheese. Birthday boy.” Hyunjin demanded.

“Cheese!” Han’s gummy smile attacked the polaroid. Hyunjin had taken heaps of photos. So many in fact that he has refilled the polaroid camera multiple times. Hyunjin turned to go ‘venture for more ideas on what to capture. Han’s foot started tapping the floor. Han observed everyone’s actions, mannerisms, speech while biting on the inside of his cheek. Han was far too anxious. Fidgeting with his grey hoodie’s sleeves.  

“Hey guys! Food is ready.” Felix announced. Han moved his hands together and started picking at his nails. Han expected by the time he got to the food it would all be gone. Everyone rushed to the kitchen to help plate up. Minho held a red cup to his lips drinking the bitter tasting contents as he grabbed some plastic cutlery. Felix doesn’t have a big apartment therefore not enough room for a dining table. The kids sat in the living room area some sat on the floor, others on chairs and three got the small sofa. Minho filled up his red cup again for the third time at the party before sitting down at least he was doing better than Seungmin who has had five cups. Minho knows alcohol isn’t the healthiest way to feel better, but he can’t stop especially now he feels so light and carefree. Minho, before the party almost was consumed by panic but once he saw Jisung that panic started to calm. Minho has no idea why? And right now, he doesn’t care. He just wants to get drunk and drown all thoughts. Minho guessed Seungmin was thinking a similar way because Seungmin started playing with Changbin’s hair and whispering things in his ear which made Changbin whine saying you smell gross and don’t say things so cheesy. Hyunjin seemed to sulk and glance over to the pair every once and a while because usually Seungmin would be in Changbin’s position while Hyunjin fussed over him. Tonight, it seems Hyunjin isn’t drinking which is a surprise.

“Felix wow. You cooked up a storm. It looks amazing.” Chan commented on Felix’ hard work. Felix beamed form the compliment.

“Please dig in.” Felix said.

“WOAH! Felix this is so good. Come home with me and be my personal chef. Thank you.” Hyunjin overacted like always. Felix felt flustered and happy that everyone is eating his food.

“Do you like it Hannie?” Felix asked innocently. To Han’s surprise he got to eat the food. Tears started to pick at his eyes and his lips quivered uncontrollably. Felix looked concerned but that concerned disappeared to what Jisung said next.

“Of course, I love the Kimchi stew, oh and the Jajangmyeon. Woah. So yummy! Thank you so much. This means so much to me Felix.” Han stuffed his cheeks while sobbing bitter sweetly. Minho had to agree with Han. Felix had outdone himself with the food. Yesterday he wouldn’t believe himself if he said that Jisung’s full cheeks compelled him to think all sorts of weird thoughts as Minho observed from the floor wondering how his cheeks are so big. I want to touch them. No Minho. Control yourself. What is wrong with you? I mean… we are starting to trust each other right?…so would it weird if I touched them? I blame the alcohol. Without any more thinking Minho reached out his hand and placed a finger on Han’s left cheek. “Hmm. Chubby.” Minho said deadpanned, but on the inside he is dying from how soft and cute Han’s cheeks are. Laughter echoed through the tiny apartment from most of the group at the most unexpected scene.

“Yah! I’m not chubby. I just have food stuffed in my mouth.” Han mumbled seeming offended. Minho giggled slightly. Jisung was surprised by Minho’s giggle he had heard it before but never like this. It felt warm and comforting and he wanted to hear it again. Han felt a little less anxious now that everyone’s settling and talking amongst themselves, and Minho is sitting on the floor next to him which made Han feel weirdly even more comfortable than it should. Felix turned towards the kitchen feeling a little tug of confusion hit his heart. Changbin’s worried eyes followed Felix.

“Hyunjin Hyung! Why are there so many photos on the ground? Why do you keep leaving them everywhere?” I.N. persecuted. Hyunjin felt guilt wash over his face as he had been a little over excited about his new polaroid camera.

“Sorry Innie. Just umm party decorations.” Hyunjin tried to defend himself. He scratched the back of his head knowing it was a lame excuse.

“Hey guys, let’s do presents and after watch that new Disney movie Felix and Han brought last week.” Changbin drew the attention away from the photos but most importantly he wanted Felix’ attention elsewhere. Changbin wanted Felix to feel happy as quickly as possible and this was his answer. Han and Felix’ faces beamed with joy. Changbin knew it would be the perfect solution. Didn’t he?

“Okay birthday boys. You two sit on the couch. And we will give our presents one by one.” Chan organised them. “I guess I’ll gift my presents first.” Chan grabbed his bag and pulled out two wrapped up boxes, his laptop and Akai midi keyboard. “Felix open your present first.” Felix nodded and started ripping it open like a child on Christmas day throwing the wrapping on the floor.

“Woah! Really?! Haribo. Tim tams. Other Arnott’s biscuits. Smith’s chips. ANZAC biscuits. Carmelo Kolas. Freddo Frogs. I- I can’t believe you got vegemite.” Felix’ smile grew bigger and bigger from each snack he pulled from the sky blue medium sized box. “Australian snacks! Thank you so much Channie.” Felix wrapped his arms around Chan’s neck squeezing tight.

“Okay Jisung. You can open yours now.” Chan said turning his direction towards Jisung. Jisung couldn’t believe he was actually getting birthday presents. He had never received any from friends before he started feeling emotional again, but his excitement overpowered everything. Han started opening his present tearing the paper to reveal a new set of beats headphones.

“Woah! Chan! I can’t. This is too much. Is this really mine? Omg. It’ red and black too. Yay!” Jisung jumps up showing it off to everyone. “Ha! See what I got? Can you believe it? Ha! I’m so swag now.” Chan couldn’t help but giggle at Jisung’s childish reaction. Even Minho was pleased that Jisung seemed happy with the gift until he felt his smile he didn’t know was there drop due to having not brought gifts.

“I know I got Jisung a pretty expensive gift, but Felix I have another gift or you.” Felix tilted his head in curiosity. “I wrote a song for you.” Felix’ eyes widened in excitement. Felix loved the idea that Chan wrote a song just for him. Like a special anthem just for him like The Avengers. I.N. Felt a tug of jealous, but quickly dismissed it due to the fact he knows Felix and Chan could never happen, but still he wished Chan would write a song for him too.

“Really! For me?”

“Yup” Chan turned his laptop on and plugged his midi keyboard in. A couple of seconds later he started to perform.

“Our little ball of Sunshine, His warmth is spread between us, His kindness balances our flow, eyes like a small and warm doe…♪”

Chan finished performing and Felix’ eyes were glassy. “Thank you so much. Hyung. I really appreciate it.”

“Next person giving presents is me.” Hyunjin stood up proudly. “Here you guys go. Ah Han your present is used for when I teach how to dance because you need to be taught all over again, since you’re so bad. You now have something to wipe your tears for the rough training I’ll be putting you through.” Hyunjin insulted kindly.

Han tsked but was grateful for the bright red hand towel with his rapper’s name J.one stitched into it with black thread. “Thank you. Hyunjin. If you’re gonna teach me to dance, then this means Imma gonna teach ya how to rap.” Jisung huffed. A silence passed in the room.

“HAHAHAHAHA!” They both stated laughing at each other’s pettiness.

“Jinnie. Hey Jinnie! What did you get me?” Felix pouted excitedly pouncing while tugging Hyunjin’s shirt. Changbin couldn’t take his eyes off Felix’ adorableness and the innocence Felix holds is like a small child’s. Changbin wanted to wrap him up in bubble wrap to protect him forever.

“Taadaa.” Hyunjin pulled out a small wrapped up present with little pixelized monsters on it. Felix admired the wrapping paper for a moment before mercilessly ripping it open excitedly.

“WHAAA no way! Hyung! You… *sniffle*… really got *sniffle*…this for me?” Felix wiped his tears of joy away.

“Well of course. I heard it was the one you wanted.” Hyunjin smiled thinking he got the best present.

“Halo Infinite! I wanna play it now.” Felix whined excitedly.

“Felix…” Chan warned. Felix just pouted but listened to the older as he knew it would be rude to leave the group just to play a video game by himself. I.N. got up from the floor stretching his legs and walking to his big black duffle bag and pulled out a small box. He then proceeded by placing it in front of Felix on the small coffee table. I.N. smiled sweetly at Felix.

“Don’t open it just yet.” I.N. said while starting to walk away. Everyone’s eyes followed him while he headed towards the kitchen and opened the fridge, pulling out a huge white box. Once he arrived back to the group Chan stood up and tried to take the box off him. “Chris Hyung. I can hold it myself. Tsk. I’m not a child.” Chan gave a worried expression. I.N. felt like Chan looked at him as if he was a piece of expressive fine China that could fall and break at any given moment. I.N. hated the feeling of seeming weak, he wanted to be treated like normal. “Han! I haven’t known you for very long but happy birthday.” I.N. passed the box over to Han.

“Thank you so much Innie.” Han opened it awkwardly because it was too big. Han’s eyes widen with delight once he saw the contents of the box. “A Chocolate Cheesecake? Really?! Thanks, Innie. I’m so happy. How did you know Cheesecake was my favourite?”

“Felix told me.”  Innie smiled. Pleased his friend loved the gift. “Okay Felix. Your turn.”

Felix nodded in excited anticipation. He opened the small dark royal blue box, revealing a hanging dreamcatcher earring. Felix screeched in excitement. Han looked over his shoulder in interest after putting his precious cheesecake on the coffee table. “Put it on, put it on” Han rushed Felix.

“Okay. Okay. Can you put it in for me Hannie?” Felix asked shyly with red creeping up on his cheeks.

“Sure.” Felix moved into a position where Han could thread the earring through the piecing hole. “..and..done. It looks so cute Felix.” Felix felt heat flush through his whole system when Han called him cute.

“T-Thank you.” Felix smiled shyly.

“Yeah. Felix it suits you so well”

“Yep. Looks good Lix.”

“everyone’s right.”

“Han is the one that’s right. It’s makes you look so cute.” Compliments showered Felix from the whole group. Felix couldn’t help grin  because giddiness ran through his whole body. Warmth from everyone. Felix truly loved his friends, but Han’s comment made Felix feel different. A good different. A special different.

“Hey Minho. Want a piece of my cheesecake? I’m never gonna finish it all by myself.” Han asked innocently. Minho felt guilt stab his stomach. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out, instead he nodded.

I didn’t get them anything. I didn’t care before if I got them something for they birthday’s. But now I feel guilty. Why?

“Here you go Hyung!” Han interrupted Minho’s thoughts. Minho took it graciously.

“Thank you.”

“Here Han” Seungmin handed Han a present, then proceeded giving Felix the same shaped and sized present. Felix and Han opened them simultaneously.

“Woah! Thanks, Seungmin.” Han was the first to speak. While Minho watched as the feeling of guilt kept puncturing him a little more each time the boys opened a new present.  

“Yep! Thank you Minnie. I promise to bake heaps of delicious goods for you and everyone.” Felix shouted in excitement. “Oh! it’s also in English. Yay! Thanks Minnie.”

“Seungmin. How did you know I like animals? Like I watch documentaries all the time, so this book is perfect!” Han asked a little scared to know if Seungmin stalks him.

“You guys are welcome. Oh Yeah. I asked your mum.” Seungmin answered smiling warm heartedly but the bags under his eyes made him seem tired.

He’s been crying again. Hyunjin thought as he watched Seungmin give presents to the birthday boys. Hyunjin eyes met with Seungmin’s. Seungmin eyes widened then developed into sadness. Hyunjin’s chest tightened and ached when he saw the transition.

“Han. Here.” Changbin handed Jisung the next gift. Jisung couldn’t wait to rip it open to see what it was, but Changbin stopped him. “Han. Wait until I grab Felix’ present from my car okay.” Han just nodded with a pout. Changbin proceeded to leave and retrieve Felix’ gift.

‘Hannie! Here is my present to you.” Felix held a small bracelet in his palms. Han picked it up carefully, admiring the blue thread with red and purple beads. Three of the beads contained letters printed on them revealing the name Han.

“Thank you so much Lixie. I’ll treasure it forever.” Han flashed his signature gummy smile. Felix took it with awe and electricity shocked his whole body once Jisung responded with ‘I’ll treasure it forever’. “I guess it’s my turn to give you presents Lixie.” Han went to the plastic bag he brought with him and lifted out a shoe box. Jisung gently passed the box over to Felix. Felix opened the present to reveal Dark Blue converse shoes to match Jisung’s red one’s he was wearing.

“Hannie! Thank you so much. We are definitely twinning now. Friendship bracelets and matching shoes.” Felix hugged Jisung so tight that Jisung thought his bones were going to break.

Changbin returned struggling to get through the door as he was holding an over-sized cute chicken plushie. Felix stunned stood up to help him. “Is this for me?” Felix asked shyly.

“Yep! Happy Birthday Felix!” Changbin smiled. Felix uncertain how to feel just accepted the huge plush.

“Thank you Changbin. I really appreciate it but how much did this cost?” Felix asked.

“Oh about ₩765,000.” He responded.

“₩765,000?! Isn’t that like $900 AUD?” Felix eyes widened in shock that he thought his eyes would fall out. “How and why? That’s so expensive. I feel honoured but guilty because I could never give a present back this expensive.” Felix’ grave face looked down in shame.

“This is expensive?” Changbin questioned innocently. Everyone confused and shocked about Changbin’s question. Hyunjin and Jisung ran around screaming in awe and shock. Chan, Lee know, Seungmin and I.N. sat stupefied from Changbin being that rich. I mean they all knew he was rich but…seems he is stupid rich.

Jisung excited to open his present raced back to his seat and ripped it open. Block B’s album ‘Block B the best’ was displayed in Jisung hands. Jisung a little hurt it wasn’t as expensive as Felix’ gift but didn’t care as much because this was his favourite K-pop group. Suddenly Jisung jumped up causing Minho to jerked away and his hand fell to the dark navy-blue carpet floor, but it didn’t feel like carpet more like plastic laminate. He picked it up to reveal Jisung’s photo with his signature cheesy gummy smile. Minho’s lips folded upwards once his eyes looked upon the polaroid photo. Cutie. He thought, then proceeded by hiding the photo in the pocket of his jeans. Jisung started singing/rapping Block B’s song ‘Nillili Mambo’.

“Bye Guys, Hey ladies. Muahhha” Jisung winked and put his legs together lifting one up and blowing a kiss when he sang the lyrics. Everyone laughed. Jisung enjoyed all of the attention. He was so nervous before thinking this would end up like his past, but it didn’t. Han never wanted this feeling to end. Minho told him not to exaggerate, yet right now he is so happy even if he tried he wouldn’t be able to fake anymore happiness.

…

Minho at 4 cups later.

Some of the kids were playing a card game on the most used small coffee table in the middle of the living room as they decided to leave the movie for almost bedtime. Hyunjin seemed to be losing to I.N.

Chan, Jisung and Felix were laughing at said loser. “Why do I always lose? It’s not fair.” Hyunjin wined dramatically.

“It’s because you don’t study or care about anything, asshole.” Seungmin loudly made the nasty remark. Everyone’s eyes widened looking at Hyunjin for a retaliation…but nothing. Hyunjin kept his head down trying not to explode and ruin his plan of redeeming himself by himself. “You can’t even talk back because you know it’s true.” Hyunjin knows he can’t fight back. He knows Seungmin is right. He knows that he isn’t good enough or smart enough. Hyunjin just wants to leave. If he doesn’t soon it will too late and Junho will get angry. Seungmin slurred some meaningless words while starting to stomped towards Hyunjin. “I can’t believe I can even stand being in the same room as you. Considering what you put me through. Do you even know how it makes me feel? You fucking someone random? You don’t even know them.” Seungmin grabbed Hyunjin’s shirt collar pushing Hyunjin back to display Hyunjin’s face his eye’s starting to water. “Don’t try make me feel sorry for you. I hate you. Hwang Hyunjin. I hate you.”

“Stop it.” Felix ran and tried to shove them off each other but that just ended in Felix being shoved by Seungmin causing Felix to fly backwards and hit the glass vase which shattered onto the floor with Felix falling on top. Seungmin let go of Hyunjin realising what he had just done. Felix wailed in pain. Shards of glass penetrated in his palms and elbows. Now small whimpers escape Felix’ lips every time he tries to move. Already Changbin and Chan are both heading to help Felix.

“I’m leaving…” Hyunjin states to top it all off. Seungmin glares at him.

“F-Felix. I’m so sorry” Seungmin apologises but only to receive a whimper from Felix whose eyes are glassy. Felix swallows down the sobs that try to escape him. “Hyunjin…just leave.” That was enough. Hyunjin didn’t say another word and just left. Changbin beat Chan to help Felix. Changbin now gently picking Felix up bridal style glares at Seungmin with a raged gleam in his eye that causing Seungmin to gulp.

“Chan…Deal with the rest” Changbin orders. Chan wanted to argue wanted to take Felix away and hide him, but Han put his hand on Chan’s arm.

“Hyung…” Han pleads with his eyes. Which Chan gives in to. Changbin takes Felix to the bathroom. Han looks over at Seungmin to see if he is alright, but Seungmin seems lost. Almost disoriented looking. “I think we need to sober him up.” Chan follows Han’s glaze.

“Yeah. I think so too.” Chan agrees. “I.N. can you grab some water.” With that I.N. gets up immediately. Chan grabs Han’s hand to pull it off his arm to get past and talk with Seungmin. “Seungmin. Are you okay? What’s wrong with you and Hyunjin?” Seungmin’s face grew redder. Seungmin isn’t himself and he tries to breathe in hopes of cleaning his head, but Seungmin still feels light and groggy.

“That bastard.” Seungmin spat. “He- He slept with that guy you warned us about.” Chan was appalled by Seungmin. Usually, Seungmin is very sceptical with things such as rumours. “He didn’t even deny it.”

“Did you give him the chance too?” Minho blurted out after sipping his drink. “You know he is trying so hard to prove himself to you. And you shrug him off instead of helping.” Minho hiccupped. Jisung made his way over to Minho grabbing onto his cup.

“I think that’s enough for you too.” Jisung says but is instantly shoved. “Hey!”

“and you!~ Why... is it you? Why can I put… trust in you when I don’t even know you. Why do I feel… guilty... about not getting you…a birthday present? Hmmm…why?” Minho slurred his way through his confession. “I trusted that guy once... Hyunjin would never no… matter how desperate to… get laid would go with someone like… him. I believe and… trust in Hyunjin.” Minho is rambling and hiccupping ever so often. “Hyunjin can’t be turned into a girl, like… I almost was. Where… did Hyunjin go?” Minho spilt his drink while looking around dramatically. Han didn’t want to read into too much of what Minho was saying just yet. He grabs Minho’s waist and leads him over to the couch where he keeps rambling. Seungmin by now drank some water and he is slowly sobering up. Chan looked horrified by Minho’s speech that didn’t go unnoticed by I.N. who now happened to be cleaning up the mess as Chan’s back was turned. Chan would freak out if he saw me doing this. He would say something cringy like. ‘No! you shouldn’t clean it. you will cut yourself.’ Haha. Minho-Lee Know must have gone through some shit if he is acting like this…hmm…I wished he would tell us. Channie hyung seems so worried.

Chan starts chatting with Seungmin about him and Hyunjin and with what Minho said Seungmin doesn’t know what to do. Or what he can do. Seungmin feels like an idiot believing a rumour without actually proving it right or wrong. Hyunjin had been going through hell from everyone saying he is a slut and Seungmin feels horrible that he wasn’t even there for his friend. He wasn’t there for him. Seungmin feels like such a dick. That same guilt was coming to finish him off by cutting some of his arteries.

…

“Ow! Ow! Ow! That hurts.” Felix hissed at Changbin who was swatting in front of Felix with tweezers that had been soaked in rubbing alcohol. “I thought you said the washing bit was the most painful. You lied.”

“If I hadn’t you wouldn’t have let me fix you up. Now hand over your hand.” Changbin held his hand out waiting. Felix reluctantly gave his hand to Changbin. “come on this is the last couple pieces.” Felix watched Changbin take each piece of glass out and put them in a plastic bag on the sink’s vanity. Felix used to be really scared of Changbin’s eyes since last week’s party but sometimes Felix would catch this look in Changbin. A look that is caring and gentle. So gentle that Felix almost forgets how scary he is. Changbin was focused on getting the glass splitters out of Felix and he started thinking about how it happened causing Changbin to develop an angry glint in his dark small brown eyes. One Felix noticed the change in Changbin he flinch causing to stop thinking and stare at Felix. Changbin noticed  a hitch caught in Felix’ breath. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” Changbin cursed his lack of attention. Felix shook his head.

“Hyung…” Felix started to say and was encouraged to continue with an affirmative hum by Changbin. “Who is Lee Know? How long have you liked him? Is it hard? I have someone I like, and I don’t know how to ask them.” Felix knows he shouldn’t be this direct, but he doesn’t want arguments like last week to happen ever again. He also wants to know Changbin’s crush and how Changbin deals with it. Felix thought maybe Changbin could help him with his crush on Han. Changbin was stunned his mouth dangling open not knowing how to respond to Felix’ questions. He likes someone. Who? ME? I wish. But what if I have completion? What if it’s not anyone I know. Felix tell me. I guess I’ll sort this out another time. I’ll just focus on healing him right now. Man, his hands are so tiny, and his skin is so soft. I feel like I’m holding a baby chick. “Han told me, but please don’t get angry at him. I begged him. Please Changbin you can be really scary sometimes so please don’t be angry at Hannie.” Changbin didn’t know how to feel. Scary? I’m scary. Felix thinks I’m scary. Oh…that’s why Felix has been so awkward with me lately. I frighten him. I need to change that. I need to make sure Felix’ knows that I’m just his ‘dwaekki’ as everyone so calls me. Thankful that Han kept his promise and didn’t tell Felix he liked him, but the fact that he lied by using Lee Know aka Minho doesn’t stand okay with him and he would need to speak to Han about it when he has an excuse about this lying mess. This could get messy. Changbin took a deep breathe.

“Felix. Don’t worry about any of it okay. It’s all sorted.” Changbin smiled and Felix could physically feel the warmth coming from it. Felix wondered if when he smiles he makes people feel the same therefore, he tries to make the biggest smile to send the same feeling towards Changbin. Changbin blinked multiple times while looking at Felix smile. “Umm…Felix if you smile like that you’ll hurt yourself and stain your face muscles then make wrinkles appear faster.” Cutie, I just want to pinch his cheeks. Changbin snorted with a coo.

“Yah! I just…never mind. Hmph.” Felix crossed his arms but regretted it immediately as the sting from his injuries made him suck in air through his teeth sharply.

“Silly.” Changbin patted Felix’ head. “Come on let’s join the others and see if Chan has kept things under wraps.” Changbin picks Felix up like before Felix cling onto Changbin’s neck with both arms and nuzzles in his neck. Changbin felt his face be consumed with heat as buzzing sensations filled his skin, but also down in his pants it became very hot and aroused from being able to hold Felix in his arms and to be able to feel his delicate skin and view his constellational freckles. Changbin hopes that no one will notice and if anyone does he would name it under bad timing. ‘It, happens’. Small giggles voiced by Felix got louder each time Changbin said ‘DADADA!’ and acted cutely silly. Changbin loves the fact he can make Felix smile and laugh. Changbin knows he’s happy if he can make Felix happy. He also vowels to never make Felix feel scared ever again.

…

Seungmin’s head shots up at the sound of Felix’ giggles while Changbin carried him through to the living room. Seungmin sobered up enough to actually think about the consequences of his actions thoroughly.

“Felix…I-I’m sorry.” Seungmin quietly spoke up. Felix tried to push himself off Changbin which resulted in Changbin placing him gently on the ground. Changbin hadn’t wanted to let go of his little sunshine. He craved Felix’ touch. His warmth. He wanted Felix all to himself, before Changbin could continue thinking anymore about his selfish desires. Felix ran over and hugged Seungmin. Changbin was reminded about his problem down below and sat on the couch with a pillow. He prayed no one noticed and if they had they hadn’t brought it up.

“Don’t worry Minnie. I forgive you. Binnie fixed me up. See? All better.” Felix reassured Seungmin. Changbin’s cheeks burned due to Felix’ use of a nickname which he hasn’t used for a while. Changbin thought maybe he scared Felix too much last week. The thing is Changbin did scare Felix. Felix has felt confused, scared, and weak. Felix doesn’t want to be the weak link in the group where everyone fusses over him. Felix hates himself for being like that. He might be able to cheer everyone up, but he wants to do more than that. Seungmin is smart. Too smart. Seungmin already doing college courses as well as high school work. Seungmin isn’t arrogant about it either. Seungmin knows he is intelligent and has a great keen and hard-working mind, but Seungmin feels as though he has insulted his intelligence by believing a stupid rumour. He can’t believe he believed his BEST FRIEND slept with some guy. The truth is Seungmin was angry due to being jealous that Hyunjin could have slept with someone. While Seungmin deep down knew why he was jealous he didn’t want to admit that desire right now. Now, Seungmin isn’t angry at Hyunjin. Seungmin is angry and disappointed at himself. His intellect betrayed him, it was clouded by irrational thoughts and feelings. Hyunjin was suffering, Seungmin never listened to him, instead Hyunjin consoled in someone else - Minho. Minho of all people. Seungmin held Felix tighter with his head lowered onto Felix’ shoulder. What makes it worse is that he hurt Felix as well. Seungmin you’re so stupid. Seungmin melted into Felix as his muscles loosened. Seungmin felt relaxed like if a warm ray of sunlight soaked through his body to heal his tensed muscles. Seungmin never wanted to let go. He had never been one for hugs, but he now knows how much he needed one for comfort.

“Felix! I want cake! And I think Minho’s gotta eat something or he may never sober up.” Han called while practically holding all of Minho’s weight as he was falling off the couch. Felix moved away from Seungmin with a cheesy grin, but Seungmin wished he’d stayed. Suddenly Seungmin felt something clasp his hand. Looking down someone held his hand. Seungmin followed up to see I.N. smiling a showcase of dimples. Seungmin loved I.N.’s cute little dimples even if he won’t admit it aloud, but he loved Hyunjin’s smile even more especially when it was followed up by his laugh.

“A party is no party without good cake.” Felix came back holding up a huge cake spilt down the middle one side yellow and the other red.

“Party….” The word struck Seungmin. “Oh my god! The party.” Hyunjin!? Seungmin stumbled in a panic. Everyone giving questionable eyes. Seungmin needed to go to that party. He wanted – no needed to make sure Hyunjin is safe. Seungmin cursed himself for not thinking clearly. “I gotta go guys. Sorry Felix. Sorry Han. I gotta go.” Before Seungmin could say anymore Chan interrupted.

“Don’t let him down. He’s most likely waiting.” Chan smirked. Chan knew the two went to clubs and parties as Chan does too. Chan had seen them at a few worried at first but with Seungmin being responsible he didn’t need too. If Hyunjin is alone that’s a different story. He trusts too easily and is a loose cannon. Chan knew he needed Seungmin and Seungmin needed him. Otherwise Hyunjin would be in so much trouble and Seungmin would be a deadpan emotionless study wreck.

Now Seungmin's gone too. It was just the 6 of them. I.N. started consoling in Chan if the two will rekindle their friendship and Chan knew it would be fine. Changbin now stood next to Felix who placed the cake on the coffee table. Minho…well he stared intensely at Jisung who was kneeling in front of the couch Minho was seated. “What are you staring at? I hope you aren’t thinking of kissing me again.” Jisung joked but Minho just continued starting at him. His eyes big and round full of vulnerability.

“I’m staring at you, and I wouldn’t kiss you even if you were the last person on earth.”

“Of course, you wouldn’t kiss me. If I was the last person then you wouldn’t be there.” Jisung retaliated cheekily. Minho blink dumbfoundedly, but then his staring intently continued. Before Han could say anything Minho spoke. 

“I hate myself” Jisung felt like he got a slap to the face, he knew Minho was intoxicated but this was getting ridiculous. “I told you I hate when people lie and hide by faking themselves…well…I lie too. I pretend nothing’s wrong when it is. I’m no better. I need to tell everyone, but I’ll be treated differently after that” Jisung’s eyes lit up with a burning rage.

“How do you know that?” Jisung spat.

Minho questioned with a “huh?”

“How do you know your friends would treat you differently? Correction how do you know we will treat you differently because you have some dark secret? You told me before everyone’s has gone through some shit. Why would we judge or ridicule you because of your past?” Minho stunned by Jisung’s words tipped his head down. “No matter what you did or what happened. It’s in the past. That’s not you. You always change. Everyone does. You will change again. Just this time you can look back and be proud and happy.” Jisung tumbled forward as Minho dragged him into a hug. A hug that lasted a second really.

“Thank you. Han Jisung.” That was it. No more talk about the subject. Instead, Felix put on the movie. Which Han couldn’t believe still went on? Han knows he shouldn’t compare this to his past but still he does. He can’t help it. He had just explained all that to Minho but thinking and doing it are two different things. Han has his demons he must fight. Even if he contradicts himself. Yes. Han is hiding his secrets, but everyone does and maybe he will finally trust someone with those secrets, and he hopes it’s this group because Han just feels right here. Not so much like an alien. He was relieved that everything that happened today in his experience was better than his first surprise birthday party. Except for the fact he was sickly worried about Seungmin and Hyunjin, but he believed it would be fine. Seungmin and Hyunjin would be friends again. Jisung felt something fall on his shoulder. His glaze switched from the movie to brunette strands of hair. He moved his head forward to see Minho. Sleepy kitty. Rest well Lee Minho. You’re not so bad after all. Maybe we could be friends.

…

Hyunjin could hear the music blaring only a few houses down the street. Hyunjin was so upset with Seungmin. He wanted to cry and throw a fit. Instead Hyunjin decided he will just drink as much as he can here. Fuck Seungmin. If he is that pissed and hasn’t noticed all the effort what’s the point. Hyunjin reached the party house, the front garden trashed alcohol cans and bottles carelessly littered all over the lawn. Man, Seungmin would be so irritated by the amount of litter. Hyunjin knew Seungmin would make a spiteful remark about the rubbish but Hyunjin then tried to push any thoughts about Seungmin away. Hyunjin caught sight of Junho and a mate of his having a smoke. Hyunjin walked towards them about the say hello until he heard his name being said in their conversation.

“Yeah. I’ll give him to Jae, maybe you can have the leftovers once he’s done with him. If he likes Hyunjin, then maybe we can hang out with their group. I hear better access to the good stuff.”

“Nice, but what about that new guy BamBam? Won’t he find out?”

“Nah he doesn’t know about this party. Thank god. It would suck if he was here. Mister ‘I look after everyone.’”

Hyunjin froze. Give him? Leftovers? Hyunjin had an idea of what that meant, but maybe he misheard them. Maybe they meant something else and ‘Good stuff?’ what’s that? Hyunjin may be failing his subjects but that doesn’t mean he is native and dense. Hyunjin started rethinking about his decision to come here. Hyunjin doesn’t like the idea of him being used as currency to gain access in popularity hierarchy. Hyunjin stumbled backwards until…

“Hey Hyunjin!” A college guy he remembers from the other week – A friend of Junho shouted from the front porch of the house. The two in front of him turned pale but played it off a hopeful glint in their eyes that Hyunjin didn’t overhear their conversation. Hyunjin’s head ticked with a distressing signal saying to leave, but instead Junho wrapped his arm around Hyunjin.

“Hyunjin. You made it.” He grinned. Hyunjin ducked his head in response companied by a wonky half smile. Hyunjin knew this isn’t good as they lead him inside. Hyunjin just wanted a night to feel free, and not think about Seungmin. I guess Hyunjin didn’t have that chance. Instead, he watched his alcohol intake too nervous to know what would happen if he got drunk. The music that would usually drown his inner voice of worries only became an annoying inconvenience when he couldn’t hear quiet talk between some people he sat with as it looked like they were conspiring against him. Like- they are conspiring against. “Let’s play cards. First one to put down a blackjack drinks the mixed bucket.” Hyunjin hadn’t played this game before. It’s where each suit card placed down a bit of the person’s drink goes into a bucket situated on the slide of the dining table the group sat at.

“Can I play?” someone asked behind Hyunjin. Hyunjin turned around and was faced with the same guy who asked to sneak out with him at the club last week.

“Yeah, Jae! Bro you can go first.” This is Jae? Hyunjin’s stomach dropped. This was the guy he was being ‘given too’ Hyunjin held his breath far longer than he realised becoming lightheaded he sensed a body sit next to him. Jae smiled at him.

“Oh! I know you. Hyunjin wasn’t it? Nice of you to come. Are you enjoying my party?” If Hyunjin knew this was his house and his party beforehand he definitely wouldn’t have thought twice about going. Hyunjin wanted out now.

“Yeah…I won’t be here long though. My friend is picking me up in like 20 minutes.” Hyunjin lied. Hyunjin lied his ass off. Maybe I should have said 10 minutes. Hyunjin took a glance to the living room which was packed with sweaty bodies dancing practically on each other. Through the living room was an outdoor area where the pool was. Above it a balcony hung over. He was surprised no one were doing stupid flips and stunts off it into the pool.

“Is your little friend with you tonight?” Jae intriguingly asked.

“Who? Seungmin? Umm…no…but he will pick me up.” Hyunjin recovered as they almost found out he was alone with no help. He was alone. He has no help if he gets into trouble. No Seungmin to watch over him. Suddenly Hyunjin’s slight headache turned into a numbing one and his stomach twisted and turned as he averted his eyes every time someone moved. This isn’t healthy. Why do I feel so sick?

“You don’t look well.” Out of all people, Jae noticed Hyunjin feeling anxious and out of sorts. “Do you want to get some air? I know a place.” Jae smiled genuinely, but little did Hyunjin know when Junho grabbed his attention by pulling his shoulder back to whisper in his ear and adverting his eyes; Jae’s smile turned from genuine to a lustful grin and his eyes looked up and down Hyunjin’s curves while his tongue wet his lips in a seductive way.

“You’ll go with him. If you know what’s good for you.” Junho let Hyunjin out of his grasp. Hyunjin knew what he was implying. He was Implying that if Hyunjin didn’t take Jae’s offer the consequences would be dire, and maybe to the point of physical injuries. (So, a beating.) Hyunjin hoped no one heard his gulp. Or the fact that because his heart was beating so fast blood rushed to his ears and making the sound of his pulse travel at a louder frequency which he wondered if anyone could hear because it was so loud. Hyunjin didn’t even reply to anything before he was basically being dragged to the second story.

“umm…why are we going upstairs.” Hyunjin laughed nervously while passing intoxicated people who were loitering on the stairs.

“Oh. For the view from the balcony.” Jae said without looking at Hyunjin as he kept dragging him along. Hyunjin shouldn’t have felt as relieved as he did because they stopped at a door. Jae pulled out a key to unlock it. “Ladies first. Haha” He laughed. If it were Seungmin, Hyunjin would’ve said something like I’m so glad chivalry isn’t dead. Good to know. But this wasn’t Seungmin, and it was definitely not chivalry. This Jae only wants one thing, Hyunjin thought maybe this is what he gets for being such a fuck-up. For failing all his classes, for dragging Seungmin to clubs and parties which he knew Seungmin hated and how he never told Seungmin how much he means to him.

Once inside the room, Hyunjin made his way to the doors that lead out to the concreted balcony not aware of Jae locking the door behind him with an only a smile influenced by the devil himself. Before Hyunjin opened the doors he heard a click behind him. Not the clink of a lock though. A click of a case which Jae had placed on the bed.

“What is that?” Hyunjin asked curious about the confinements but not curious enough to step closer towards Jae. Hyunjin didn’t receive an answer. He was feeling that following him up here was a bad idea and he should have just taken the beating and ran. Hyunjin followed closely to the left wall opposite side to the bed and made his way to the door. Hyunjin turned the doorknob, and it wouldn’t barge. Hyunjin now understands how serious this situation is. Hyunjin forcefully rattle the doorknob and he was about to start yelling until he heard the footsteps of Jae come closer behind him. Hyunjin slowly turned and was faced with sinister lustful eyes. Dark and hungry.

Hyunjin shook uncontrollably. If only if didn’t come. If only he listened to Seungmin. If only he told Seungmin he was sorry. Hyunjin tensed up when Jae came even closer towards him. Jae was holding a syringe in his right hand. Hyunjin was pretty sure he knew what that was for, and he didn’t want to stay to make sure he was right. Hyunjin turned back to the door with more urgency trying to force it open, tears running down his face and air being sucked out of his lungs. Hyperventilating  he found it difficult to scream out for help and suddenly a large hand gripped Hyunjin firmly tearing him backwards. Hyunjin had one more option which was fighting back he bit Jae’s hand and Jae yelped in pain releasing his grip on Hyunjin. Hyunjin sprinted towards the glass doors that opened to the balcony. He didn’t think of anything but escaping. Rushing out the doors towards the end of the balcony. A few broken bones were better than being drugged and raped by this douche. Hyunjin remembered the pool. He hoped he would be fine. So, he jumped.

Hitting the water was the biggest relief of tonight. Once Hyunjin surfaced he thought nothing but leaving the party. Everyone was cheering saying he was legend for jumping. Maybe if Hyunjin didn’t feel compelled into an anxious and shock state due to almost being drugged and raped he would feel incredibly pleased with the publicity stunt but right now Hyunjin wished for nothing more than to leave. He was drenched. Water dripping off him and he exited pool, but he didn’t waste any time before he started sprinting for the nearest exit. He ran home. He legs and lungs burning from running so much. He wanted to cry. He wanted to feel safe. He wanted Seungmin. Once he arrived at the dorm. He jogged in a quick paced manner. “Seungmin?” His voice cracked. He forced open the younger’s door no one there. Went to his own and still no sign of Seungmin. Hyunjin wide-eyed and in panic couldn’t think straight he needed Seungmin at this point. He needed to feel safe. He needed Seungmin’s security. Seungmin’s voice to sooth him. Seungmin’s soft eyes to tell him everything is okay, but nothing. Hyunjin shivered as the cold started creeping up on him. Maybe he is still at the birthday party. Hyunjin thought as he whipped his phone out. Only to find out his phone he fucked due to the escape by pool thing. Shit. Hyunjin needed Seungmin. He didn’t have a choice or say in that matter, therefore he poked his head out the dorm’s door making sure Jae or anyone from the party was out there. He saw a girl. He rushed over to her. Panting and freezing. “P-please, Can I use your phone?” Hyunjin pleaded with his chittering teeth.

“…sure. Are you okay…?” She asked concerned while handing over her phone.

“Yep I’m good. Just need to get hold of a friend.” Hyunjin didn’t know Seungmin’s number. How did he not know Seungmin number? He did know Chan’s though.

“Hello?” Chan picked up.

“Thank god. Chan. Please, is Seungmin with you?” Hyunjin held his breathe.

“Oh! No. He hasn’t found you yet. He went to the party looking for you…why is everything okay? It’s quiet. Are you okay?” Hyunjin couldn’t believe it. Seungmin went to find him. Seungmin would have saved him. Seungmin was there. Seungmin…is there.

“Fuck. Chan. It’s dangerous. Seungmin can’t be there. No. No. Fuck, Chan help please.” Hyunjin basically cried over the phone in so much distress and worry.

…

Seungmin arrived at the party to hear cheering from some guy who pulled a funny stunt by jumping from the balcony into the pool. Seungmin rolled his eyes knowing that guy had way too much alcohol in his system. Seungmin wondered around searching for Hyunjin, praying he hadn’t gotten himself into too much trouble. He had already looked around all of the first floor. Seungmin thought maybe Hyunjin was upstairs. Seungmin ‘s thoughts led him to believe going upstairs only meant two things – (one. Getting laid and two. Toilet.) Seungmin internally begged it was the later assumption. He hadn’t thought about what he would tell Hyunjin when he found him, but Seungmin wanted to hug him. Seungmin wanted to squeeze him tight and never let go. He has missed Hyunjin so much the last few days. He felt stupid. He was jealous. He wanted Hyunjin. He needed Hyunjin. He needed to hug Hyunjin. He needed to…kiss Hyunjin. He needed to tell Hyunjin what he means to him. He travelled upstairs knocking on the bathroom door. No answer. He peeked inside to surprisingly no one. Then Seungmin’s heart recoiled on into itself. Seungmin hoped he wasn’t too late as he ran down the hallways bursting open all the doors, until…one particular door opened to the same guy Seungmin had seen trying to take Hyunjin out of the club last week.

“You.” Seungmin hissed. “Where’s Hyunjin?” The guy stepped back into the room with an expression fearing Seungmin. It made Seungmin feel quite powerful actually. That he would inflict fear into the college student, but Seungmin needed answers. He needed to know where Hyunjin was. The guy didn’t respond which started to piss Seungmin off even more. “I asked where Hyun-“ before Seungmin could even finish his demand a spiked pain from the guy’s hand jabbed into his shoulder. When the college student withdrew his hand, Seungmin saw a glimpse of a EpiPen?! No, a syringe?! The syringe was empty. Seungmin stumbled back swaying, vision becoming blurring and disorienting. Seungmin tried reaching for the door, but of course the guy beat them and closed it with a sinful grin. Seungmin knew what was going to happen. He wished it wasn’t going to happen. Seungmin wanted to call for help or ran away until being distracted by a white balloon that appeared next to the college student and Seungmin didn’t even feel the guy guide him towards the bed as he was fixated on that balloon which looked so pure. Seungmin felt the room start spinning. Seungmin suddenly felt the atmosphere of a fair. Lights spinning and cascading around him and for a moment he thought that was where he was. “Pretty…lights…hurt my head.” Seungmin mumbled. Seungmin couldn’t feel the guy – or Jae start unbuckling his belt and untangling it from the rings from his jeans. Seungmin laughed and giggled controllably as Jae unbuttoned his jeans and start sliding them off. Seungmin didn’t fight. Seungmin was too engulfed in the fantasy full of pretty lights, funny clowns, spinning rides and balloons to notice anything Jae was doing. Jae’s hand travelled up under Seungmin’s hoodie and shirt, while Seungmin’s view was to his left at a mirror. The mirror in Seungmin’s mind showed him different proportion sizes of limbs. He giggled without any real idea of Jae striping him down. Jae took in the view of Seungmin’s shaped torso and his pale but slightly honey touched skin tone. Jae’s predatory eyes landed upon Seungmin’s briefs. Jae couldn’t control his aroused state as his hand lunged towards the elastic band around Seungmin’s waist pulling it down to completely reveal all of Seungmin. Seungmin still in a drugged state was flipped over. Seungmin saw the white balloon in front of him, so he desperately reached out for it and kept a firm hold on it. Jae licked his lips while quickly unchanging himself. Seungmin saw from the mirror Jae pour a gel on his hands from a bottle he got from a drawer. Seungmin still oblivious to it all, suddenly had something wet land on his hand. Seungmin studied it. A little droplet, the clown…had a tear drop for make-up on his face. Seungmin imagined it once again, but now even more droplets appeared on the clown’s make-up until the tears started falling off the clown’s face for there was no more room to spare. Seungmin was clenching the sheets of the bed and with a grunt of pain he felt something push his whole body forward against the bed again and again. Seungmin thought he was being crushed by the fair’s spinning ride which seemed to have collapsed on top on him. Jae’s fingers dug into Seungmin’s skin at the waist, but why would Jae care? Jae was satisfising himself with every thrust and twitch produced.

“Fuck…Fuck…” Jae would repeat. “Your ass…is so tight.” He thrusted faster as a climax was approaching. Seungmin still didn’t fight. Seungmin didn’t know what was happening. Seungmin still saw the clown while being crushed and Seungmin couldn’t tell if it was crying or laughing. Seungmin at first thought it was funny, but now the clown he sees is more alarming and terrifying. The clown reached out towards Seungmin taking his white balloon and then turning its pure colour into a dark red as if making it bleed with pain. Seungmin finally managed to cry out, then…a moan and final thrust made everything go dark.

…

Chan gets out of the car. Slams the door and rushes inside. He should’ve realised that it wasn’t safe for them to go to college parties alone. Chan’s eyes averted from face to face searching for someone familiar until he sees Yuna. Chan saw her sitting on this college douche playing with his hair. Chan couldn’t help roll his eyes at the scene, but Chan needed to push past it. He needed to find Seungmin. At least Hyunjin is safe now. Chan searched around and some people greeted him and invited him to join there game or just dance but Chan couldn’t give any of them the time of day as he was on a mission to ensure his friend was safe. He reaches a room upstairs which had been left slightly open, and it was ominously dark inside. The smell was what Chan noticed first the pungent smell of grease and salt. The next thing Chan noticed was a body laid on the bed. When Chan switched the lights on to view the body, a gasp escaped his lips which he felt was nothing to express how he felt. Guilt. He felt guilt. He pretty much sent Seungmin here. Seungmin was laid there on his stomach, naked and semen all over his back and rectum. Sheets were sinfully decorated as well. Chan felt his face go paler than it usually is. He carefully made his way over to Seungmin who seemed knocked out. Chan pulled the clean sheet over Seungmin to give Seungmin at least some personal privacy, but Chan knew he needed to clothe him and take him to the hospital. Chan gathered the clothes which were spread out on the floor and bed. Chan was thankful that there was a bathroom suite. He looked in the cabinets to find a handtowel and rinsed it with water to help clean Seungmin. Once he cleaned and dressed Seungmin Chan needed to get him out of here, therefore he carried Seungmin out of the house and ignored everyone and anyone who tried talking to him, but most people took one look at Chan’s expression which was filled with pure hatred, and he gave a piercing stare that would strike fear within devil himself if he so as looked at Chan. Chan had felt guilt and concern, but now his stomach now burned with rage. He wanted to find the person who made Seungmin like this and kill them. He wanted them to pay to suffer. Chan would stop at nothing until he found out who did this.

…

Chan waited inside the hospital’s waiting room and Hyunjin finally arrived.

“Is he okay? What happened? Is he hurt? It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have gone” Hyunjin’s eyes swelled with tears and regret. Chan put his hand on his shoulder. Chan knows he should tell Hyunjin it’s not his fault. It’s going to be okay, but Chan doesn’t know if it will. Chan doesn’t blame Hyunjin. He blames himself and the asshole he did this to Seungmin. Before Chan could say anything the same doctor that usually takes care of I.N. entered the waiting room.

“Chan…I’m sorry. Traces of an illegal substance was in his bloodstream and traces of sperm inside his rectum. The police have been notified and are already closing that party down as we speak.” The doctor replayed the information from his clipboard.

“Wha-What do y-you mean? S-sperm? Illegal substance? Drugs? Chan does that mean h-he was…” Hyunjin already had tears falling down his face and almost yelling at Chan.

“Hyunjin…Please be quiet until we understand the situation better.” Chan said calmly but on the inside he was struggling not to just hug Hyunjin and cry with him.

“B-but I need t-to know” Hyunjin felt as though he was being shrunk like the world was pushing everything onto him. He was ready to explode and send everything right back, but he couldn’t, instead he kept crying and sulking as he swatted to the floor while Chan and the doctor kept speaking about his friend’s condition. Hyunjin wanted – no needed to see Seungmin. Make sure Seungmin was alright. Seungmin wasn’t supposed to be here. Hyunjin knew he was. Hyunjin knew if he hadn’t run away then Seungmin would have come in and saved him and neither of them would be in this much pain. Hyunjin blamed himself for what happened to Seungmin. Hyunjin wished he wasn’t selfish. Hyunjin wished he could go back and take Seungmin’s spot. Hyunjin wished he never went to that party. Hyunjin wished he left the party earlier. Hyunjin wished he, Seungmin and everyone else were sitting down eating cake and watching a stupid Disney movie the twins love, but Hyunjin could only wish it, as the party did happen. Seungmin was sexually assaulted and worse. Seungmin will be scarred forever because Hyunjin fucked up. Because Hyunjin was Hyunjin.

Chapter Text

Chan was more than furious.

Chan couldn’t understand why he let Seungmin go last night. He blames himself for it. He should’ve known. Chan just wishes he could be the leader that can protect all the kids in the group. What if it were to happen again? The boys would have their innocence ripped away like Seungmin.

Felix, Jisung, Hyunjin, …I.N. I can’t let that happen. Not again.

Chan wouldn’t be able to forgive himself – Hell, he can’t forgive himself already now. Chan was suffering from inner turmoil while his fixated glaze was on the blue reflective light form the laptop in his at home private studio room. Behind was the red signature couch which leads Chan to believe Jisung will always have something to say about it. He sat on his usual office chair; slightly slumped over.

Chan turned his phone on revealing his screensaver. A photo he snapped at the birthday party of everyone eating. Chan’s lips curled up in fondness of his friends – no, his family and his face started to soften until Chan was then robbed of the feelings of fondness when his wondering eyes fell upon Seungmin who was hunching over Changbin with a bright smile looking like an innocent puppy. Instead, Chan shallowed an ashy taste in his mouth with a faint stabbing pain in his chest. Why did I let you go? If only I was better. If only – if only…

“Buttons! There you are.” Chan’s chain of thought was broken by his girlfriend busting through the door. Chan wasn’t ready for her clingy and neediness. He felt so close to snapping. He felt close to just ending it with her. Chan knows he doesn’t love her, right?  and she doesn’t love him, so why can’t he just end it. Chan felt Yuna wrap her arms around his neck. “Wanna do something ‘fun’?”

“Like what?! I’m not really in any mood for ‘fun’.” Chan then suddenly remembered Yuna was at the party. Chan had maybe something to go on. While he was busy remembering seeing Yuna at the party; Yuna was basically swinging  on his arm and complaining. All of it came to subtle stop with Chan’s next question. “Did you see anything suspicious at the party last night?” Oblivious to Chan; Yuna had thought Chan was coming up with an excuse to end their relationship but in reality Chan just wanted to know what had happened. If anything, just something to point to who assaulted Seungmin. Even if it’s the smallest clue. Anything would do. That’s what Chan wanted.

“What do you mean? I wasn’t at a party. I told you, I was at home doing homework.” Yuna aggressively defended herself as she stepped out to Chan’s side and with every action she managed it seemed either hesitant or jerky. Making Chan inch back a little, he tilted his head to face her with an intent stare. This was also known as the Chan face as most of the kids called it.

“Yuna. Please I need to know.” Chan tried his best to keep his voice calm almost begging for the answer he sought for. “I was there too. I had to pick up a friend.” Chan gently grabbed her hands and pressed them together then pleaded with his eyes. Chan wanted to know who did it. He needed to know. He was desperate. “I’m not angry at you. I just need to know if you saw Seungmin with someone.”

“Buttons… I- No. I didn’t.” Yuna was genuine as she answered with some strain in her voice, but her eyes never left Chan’s. Chan cursed internally. His one lead gone. “I don’t know what happened with your friend, but you are too serious for my liking. Buttons! Did you get me my present?” Yuna wanted to change the subject she hated the Chan she was seeing. Chan on the other hand needed a moment to recollect himself before he could answer. A good couple of seconds passed.

“Yuna. I didn’t you a present. I’m not made out of money. I wanted to treat the boys the other day.” Chan shook his head with his eyebrows furrowed guiltily.

“Well, that’s bullshit. You always prioritise them over me? I’m your girlfriend Chan. I can’t believe it. I’m leaving. I’ll see tomorrow at school.” Yuna aggressively picked up her bag from the couch. “Chan. If this keeps happening then we will be over. You are so lucky I’m the forgiving type” and with that note Yuna slammed the door shut. Chan felt he could breathe again by letting a deep sigh out and shoulders drop. Still, Chan didn’t receive the information he required and now he’s in a foul mood. Yuna was threatening him to break-up now which doesn’t seem too bad, but Chan can’t help but feel some guilt towards the predicament. Also, he just hopes that he can find that son of a bitch before any of his anger subsides because he wants to be able to give everything he can to this guy. His nostrils flared while his face tightened with a slight pink. He turned back to the laptop and held his mouse in one hand which held on so tight his knuckles went white. He needs to find him. For Seungmin’s sake. For everyone’s sakes.

…

A throbbing pain sprouted from his neck.

I.N reached up and placed his hand on the pained area to feel a small bump. He applied some pressure causing air to be sucked between his teeth and force out a grunt. That’s not good. I should get it checked and tell Chris.

I.N waited patiently with a strawberry milk tea; kicking his legs on the stool he was seated at. The café was small but had that nice warm cosy feeling that hits somewhere close to home. I.N was hoping Chan had good news about Seungmin and Hyunjin. Last night was pretty heavy. I.N was a little too excited to meet with Chris today as Yuna wouldn’t be there. I.N can finally have Chan to himself and pretend that this is their little date and not one he was third wheeling on. I.N brought Chan a pineapple and orange juice considering the fact Chan doesn’t drink coffee, he doesn’t need something else keeping him awake.

A little bell on the door signalled that someone had entered. I.N tightened his scarf to cover the lump. Footsteps travelled closer and I.N just knew the rhythmic pattern of who it belonged too. I.N proceeded by spinning around to have Chan standing in front of him.

“Hi Chris!” I.N cheered.

“Hello Innie. You seem chipper today.” Chan giggled and placed himself on the stool next to I.N. Chan was passed the juice with a giddy smile. “Didn’t I say I would pay?”

“Yep! But I beat you to it. Chris Hyung.” I.N still felt a stabbing pain from his neck, but it became so much more tolerable once Chan arrived. “How did Seungmin and Hyunjin go?” Chan’s entire body stiffened, and he averted his gaze away from I.N and studied the juice bottle in his clammy hands. “Hyung…?”

“It’s fine. I will pay for lunch. Okay.” Chan seemed to have avoided the subject of Seungmin and Hyunjin. Chan laughed awkwardly while squinting his eyes through what looked like pain mixed with some hint of anger. I.N noticed. I.N noticed most things, especially when it’s Chris. Noticed like right now, how firmly Chan was grasping the juice as it seemed he was trying to repress his anger. “I.N….” I.N’s head shot up to Chan’s serious monotoned voice and hummed for Chan to continue. “am I a disappointment?” before I.N could truly think about it he was already talking.

“No. You’re not. You’re selfless, independent, and compassionate. Plus, empathetic, encouraging, creative also brave. Chris you are many things, but for the love of god anything but a disappointment. I wouldn’t be able to be me if you weren’t in my life. I always strive to be like you. I strive to be with you because you are the opposite of a disappointment. You are my inspiration to keep fighting. Why on earth would you think you are disappointment?” I.N was practically panting from his rant. Chris looked at him shocked.

“It’s just that Yuna-“ I.N scoffed in annoyance.

“Really! You’re gonna listen to her. She has nothing on you Chris.”

“I.N don’t talk about her like that!” Chan raised his voice whilst not noticing I.N’s flinch from his volume. I.N himself thought it unfair. He thought if Yuna is making him feel like a disappointment then she is at fault, not him.

“Chris if she makes you feel that way then why stay with her?” I.N frowned and drew his brows together. Chan just growled.

“You don’t understand.”

“Then help me too.”

“No just stop. forget I said anything.”

“No! YOU stop neglecting me when it comes to your emotions. Be more open and communicate with me. Please!”

“I.N SHUT UP! I’m not your parents. I’m not neglecting you. I just I don’t want to talk about it.” Chan regretted what he said as soon as it left his mouth. I.N backed away and hung his head low with a fixated glaze stuck to the floor. It felt as though the world had paused for I.N to physically feel is heart sink. He couldn’t believe what was meant to be a wholesome ‘pretend’ date had gone all wrong. He couldn’t believe that Chan said that. I.N knows Chan is usually calm and collected also careful when it comes to sensitive problems such as his parents. “I-I didn’t really mean that I.N. Please.” I.N just stood up but before he could leave Chan grabbed his arm. “Wait-“

“Get off me. Just leave me alone. Sorry, that I’m not family enough for you.” His eyes were hidden by his bangs and the rest of his face void of expression, yet I.N could feel his heart hummer in his chest that he was sure Chris could hear. Blood rushed to his ears and he felt light-headed.

“I.N you are my family. You are more family than anyone. I didn’t mean what I said. I can’t leave you alone.”

“You will. Besides your precious Yuna would be overjoyed. So, keep her happy.” I.N shrugged his hand off. I.N made it out of the café pain still prominent from his neck. It’s gotten worse. He tried catching his breath by bending down and leaning his hands on his knees, yet his thoughts failed him attempts of calming down as his breath just started to accelerate. I.N just wanted the safety of his own bed. He wanted his parents to spend time with him to make sure he is okay and pressure him to study more, but they leave him be. He wanted Chan to break up with Yuna so that he could be his. I.N wanted to go back in the café to hug Chris. Tell him he feels sick. To tell him that ‘I love you’, but now he can’t. He refuses to give in to what will never happen. Chris doesn’t like him that way. Chris doesn’t like boys. He doesn’t like Yuna. I.N doesn’t know what Chris likes. It hurts too much just to sit there while Chan is disrespected in a relationship he doesn’t even want. He has told I.N that he likes her, but I.N knows better he can see that Chris doesn’t love her. Now, that sinking feeling has lifted a bit, a stabbing pain replaces it 10 times worse. I.N clenched the area of his chest where he feels his necklace and tried swallowing. He felt the string of tears threaten to leak out due to the pain. His throat was too dry, and he couldn’t breathe. Feeling the necklace reminded his that Chris could come out. Praying that he doesn’t come; I.N started running. Gasping with a shaky breath with each foot that landed heavily on the ground. He finds a public restroom. He enters one of the stalls. His breathing is at a hyperventilating speed. Everything is going 200 miles a minute. He is angry, scared and hurt all at the same time. He wants his friends. He wants Seungmin to hold his hand. He wants Felix to hug him tight and tell him everything will be fine. He wants Jisung to make him laugh. He wants Minho to open up to him. He wants a deep conversation with Changbin. He wants to cry with Hyunjin. But most of all he wants Chris to love him.

I.N was crouching on the toilet seat hands held up to his chest. One hand was clenched around Chan’s necklace and the other was bracing for pain from his chest. He was rocking back and fourth trying to calm himself.

He wants everyone he cares about to be here, but instead he is alone in a public restroom panicking and crying his eyes out because of a stupid fight with the guy he likes. I.N. tries to muffle his cries as to not disturb everyone else around him, but he can’t stop the sobbing and pathetic gasps, knowing his eyes are going to be puffy and red and no one that he cares about will know. He wants them just to know. He wants to tell them. To call out for them, but I.N knows he will be just be burden just as he is to his parents.  

…

Did it really happen?

Seungmin gripped the sheets tightly while absentmindedly staring out the window. The birds were chirping, and clouds passed by every now and again. A breeze swung off the tree leaves and people were talking down below about some mundane thing Seungmin was sure. But here he was. Apparently raped and having no recollection of it. The doctors say it’s a psychological defence mechanism to forget trauma. Still, Seungmin can’t believe it. He wonders how Hyunjin is doing. That’s all he could really think about after walking up is wanting to see Hyunjin. No, more like he needs to see Hyunjin.

Why does he feel so melancholy? Why does he feel so sore? Well, he apparently knows why his ass hurts. Seungmin tries so hard to remember. But it’s all a blur after leaving the party. He recalls fighting with Hyunjin. Did we make up? Who was the offender? What if Hyunjin was involved? What if we both were-

“Finally awake?” A female nurse entered the room interrupting Seungmin’s thoughts. He just nods in her direction then looks back out the window. “You know, I don’t know how I would feel if I were in your position.” Seungmin was unresponsive. “I know you are probably thinking how could I? Right?” Still no response. The nurse places a plate of food down. “Anyway, Your friends want to visit later. That’s what I heard.”

“When?”

“He speaks.” Seungmin just rolls his eyes at the little unnecessary ‘banter’ (if you can call it that), but nevertheless welcomes it. To cure his boredom, also his depressing thoughts. He still can’t believe he was sexually assaulted. “I don’t know when. Just before closing I suspect. You will be discharged tomorrow. Do you need anything?” Seungmin just shakes his head.

“Thank you.”

The nurse smiles and takes her leave. Allowing Seungmin to return back to his contemplation.

I don’t really feel sad due to the fact of what apparently happened, but more the fact I’m scared Hyunjin was involved in some way. I hope he’s okay. Seungmin looks at his dinner with zero appetite. I hate hospital food. A small sigh leaves Seungmin’s lips. He wishes to see Hyunjin and the rest of his friends soon. Do they all know? About what happened to him.

…

Hyunjin would only just have to knock to grab Seungmin’s attention from the window. Hyunjin wonders if he can even face Seungmin. The doctors say he doesn’t remember anything, therefore Hyunjin promised himself that he won’t tell him that he should be in his place. It’s too much to think about right now. So instead of pondering anymore Hyunjin knocks.

Seungmin’s head whips around to lock eyes with Hyunjin. A moment passed that felt too surreal and Hyunjin could feel the sting from his eyes and wet cheeks as he sees his best friend lying on the hospital bed looking at him with such innocent puppy eyes that have no clue about anything and Hyunjin wishes that he could say it never happened. Hyunjin wishes to say that he’s sorry. Sorry, that he left the birthday party. Sorry he was being petty and not following through with his mission to actually study and be a better human being overall.

“Shouldn’t I be the one crying?” Seungmin looked worried behind his raised eyebrow which still held a small amount of amusement, but Hyunjin knows the sassy comment was for him due to how much ugly crying he’s doing.

“Seungminnie!” Hyunjin cried as he ran over with his arms out like a small child who just hurt themselves and gave the biggest hugs to Seungmin. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have run away.” Hyunjin poured out while sniffling here and there. Seungmin moved for Hyunjin to lay next to him and collected him within his arms. Seungmin didn’t want to let go. He now knows Hyunjin is safe.

“You’re okay right? That’s all I ask of. I’ve been so worried sitting here. I was hoping nothing bad happened to anyone else.” Hyunjin’s chest vaulted as he listened to Seungmin. Hyunjin thought last night was the scariest night he had ever experienced. “I’m so glad.”

“Why?”

“You’re safe.”

“But Minnie. They haven’t caught him yet.”

This had not occurred to Seungmin yet. He had thought about who it could have been but not that he was still out there. “I wish you could stay, but it’s coming up to closing time for visitors.”

“I’ll call Chan. I need to speak with him anyway.” Hyunjin didn’t want to let go. He wanted to stay in Seungmin’s warmth forever. He wanted to know he was okay. Really okay. He hoped Seungmin wanted him to stay too.

“Are we good now?”

“Huh?” Hyunjin was confused. “What do you mean?”

“We were fighting right? I remember at the birthday party and then I left to chase after you. To fix things because I was being inconsiderate.” Seungmin’s grip became tighter. Hyunjin didn’t need that reminder of being the one to irresponsibly run away from his problems for it just to snowball into a rape case. Hyunjin wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. Wanted to think about just now. Just him and Seungmin. He could smell the overbearing cleanness of the hospital but also he could smell Seungmin’s slight vanilla scent.

“Seungmin…We made up.”

“Really at the house party?”

“No, I didn’t see you there. We did just then, but you’re strangling me now.”

“Oh, sorry.” Seungmin felt better having Hyunjin here it was calming. Seungmin wasn’t thinking about the what if’s but now instead must do’s. Seungmin must protect Hyunjin, must kept him safe.

“Visiting time is over.” The nurse from before came in she seemed flustered. She coughed and kept averting her eyes between the two boys until Hyunjin realised. Hyunjin dramatically flung his limbs everywhere trying to stand bearing avoiding Seungmin in the process.

“Okay. Umm. I’ll see you tomorrow Minnie. Umm…Goodnight. Sleep well. Bye.” Hyunjin sent a small wave preventing himself from looking into Seungmin’s eyes as he was too embarrassed after what  just happened. Did that nurse think we were-?

“See you soon, Jinnie.” Seungmin’s shoulder shook. Seungmin was giggling. Actually giggling. I mean he doesn’t remember but still this doesn’t feel right. The nurse suggested for Hyunjin to leave.

Hyunjin still thinks Seungmin should have some kind of external trauma right? He was raped for fuck’s sake and by the asshole Jae. Hyunjin knows it was him. It has to be him. Hyunjin pressed the ground floor button on the elevator. He pulled out his phone. There were messages from Junho again, but Hyunjin didn’t bother to look. He wanted nothing to do with them any longer. Instead, he proceed to ring Chan.

“Hello?”

“Hey Chan…”

“Jinnie, what’s up? How are you holding up?” Chan was laying on his bed and was trying to get some shut eye but failing miserably so, he took the call graciously.

“Hyung…I need to tell you…” Chan hummed encouraging Hyunjin to carry on. “I think – No, I know it was Jae who did it!” Hyunjin didn’t scream, but he choked out the words. He needed to tell Chan. It was urgent. Straight to the point. Hyunjin couldn’t make any mistakes this time. Chan couldn’t say anything. Chan knew what Hyunjin was implying. A deafening silence filled the elevator as Hyunjin was biting whatever left of nail he had waiting for Chan to say something.

“Hyunjin aegi, Are you at the hospital?”

“Yeah.”

“Go straight home. Don’t stop anywhere. Just straight home and lock the doors. If this Jae knows you might know then he could- No. Come here. Come to my house. You can stay here tonight.”

“Really?! Hyung it’s fine. I can get home fine-“

“No. Come here. I need you.” Hyunjin couldn’t believe how forward Chan was. Not that Hyunjin didn’t like it. That’s what he loves about Seungmin.

“Hyung…I need my uniform.”

“We can get it in the morning.”

“Hyung…It’s fine, besides I need to be alone.” Hyunjin feels horrible for rejecting Chan like this after Chan said that he needed Hyunjin, but Hyunjin wanted to be alone with his thoughts. Hyunjin was standing outside the entrance of the hospital now.

Chan didn’t want to accept that Hyunjin needed to be alone. Chan would have really liked the company. He wanted a distraction from Seungmin, Yuna and I.N. He couldn’t keep up.

“Hyung…one more thing… I know it was Jae be-…be-because I-I ran away. B-before I- called y-you that n-night…Okay…b-bye Hyung…I-‘ll text y-you when I g-get home.”

Chan heard the beep of the phone being hung up. Chan couldn’t think straight. Hyunjin was almost-

Chan covered his mouth with a shaky hand while his eyes couldn’t focus on anything. He pulled his phone as a substitute for Hyunjin close to his chest, squeezing tight.

“Shh. It’s okay. You’ll be fine.”

Chan knew Hyunjin wasn’t on the phone. He knew no one was there. Chan couldn’t help but blame himself. A cloud of guilt shrouded his vision. He thought it was worse before, but now knowing that Hyunjin was a victim too, it broke him. Chan just wanted to protect his kids. He didn’t know whether or not just to go over to Hyunjin. He wanted to be close. He wanted to make sure he was alright. He wanted Hyunjin to be safe.

A wave of fatigue washed over Chan. He tried refuse it. Chan tried not to be lulled to sleep by selfishness. He couldn’t rest until Jae was caught. He didn’t really know who this Jae was, but he would ask Hyunjin tomorrow to call the police and file a report. The police may not even be enough. Chan wanted revenge. He wanted to deal with this Jae himself. Changbin will help. He has connections through the Seo company. We can track Jae down. Chan vowed he would find Jae. Vowed him would make him suffer.

…

Hyunjin arrived home. Still shaking. He expected it to have stopped once he reached the dorm, but apparently not. The dorm was completely black. No life. Just still. Hyunjin wished Seungmin came home with him, although Hyunjin wasn’t finished his project or homework so, I guess that is a surprise best kept secret. Hyunjin lethargically crossed over to his room. He switched a lamp on and angled it towards two canvases. One was for Seungmin. A flower. Dicentra also known as the bleeding heart. Two of the flowers hanging next to each other with a water-coloured background. It wasn’t finished yet, but Hyunjin is planning on giving it to Seungmin for his birthday and to confess to him.

The other picture being painted had a dark background with dimmed lights at the top and a body falling within the water.

Hyunjin’s fist still ached from the last night as he had fought to get away. He delicately picked up a paint brush and dipped it into a mixture of navy-blue paint. He raised his unsteady hand up and slowly proceeded to draw the brush closer to the canvas. Once the brush touched the canvas Hyunjin continued precariously adding detail to the water in the picture.

Hyunjin tried remembering that night. How dark it was. How falling into the freezing cold water was safer than being confined by a monster which would have violated him with no remorse. Hyunjin felt the blood gushing to his head just like the night before. He remembered the feeling of heated adrenaline when jumping off the balcony and into the freezing cold water.

Heat started running through Hyunjin’s veins. As if he were back in that room with that monster. Hyunjin had stopped painting. He was staring absentmindedly with horror, but not at anything in front of him. He was frightened by the flashes that plagued his mind. The nightmare that followed him home. The nightmare that destroyed his friend’s innocence. The nightmare that threatens him still. It all hit. It hit Hyunjin hard. Literally.

Hyunjin tried to lunge forwards and start running, but only to trip almost knocking the painting off its easel. Hyunjin wanted to run even though he was safe at home. He was gasping for air just like that night once he reached the surface of the pool. He wanted to run. He did. He shot up using his one hand as adrenaline was controlling his movements and he ran to the bathroom.

He grabbed either side of the sink to catch his breath. Then turned the water on. Hyunjin proceeded by violently splashing his face with cold water, to try stop the adrenaline from compelling him to run anymore. He planted his feet firmly, yet his legs threatened to give out, but instead he kept himself stable. He was fixated on his reflection. He looked dreadful, bloodshot eyes, dark bags and tears he didn’t know were running down his cheeks. He didn’t want to look at himself. He saw himself as a monster. He begun backing away from the mirror only to bump into the wall behind him forcing him to tumble down to the floor. Everything became blurry. A whimper escaped from Hyunjin’s mouth causing him to cover it and screw his eyes shut.

It had been while. He sobbed and sobbed. Curled up on the floor. Until his expression become blank. For a while he sat in silence thinking about Seungmin. He thought about if only he didn’t run away or if he didn’t go to that stupid party. If only he was better. Hyunjin wanted to punish himself. He was unworthy to be Seungmin’s friend let alone boyfriend. He knows that cutting isn’t a healthy habit, but right now he doesn’t know what to do. He opened the cabinet under the sink and pulled out a razor from one of the razor packets. He was fixated by the blade; it was as if it was calling his name. The call the void is the phrase that Hyunjin remembers. He continued by running his index finger down the sharp edge. It hurt, but knew he deserved to hurt. He was the reason Seungmin was raped. Hyunjin thought he should be the one technically called the rapist. It was all his fault. He did it.

“It’s my… my fucking fault.” Hyunjin’s high pitched voice quietly screamed through the bathroom as he drove the razor into his thigh and slid it across; he sucked in the air between his teeth, and his scream then quickly transpired into grunts and sobs. He could taste the irony smell mixed with a saltness from his tears. It reeked. His body tensed with each time the blade connected to his skin.

 You deserve this. You were the one who raped him. It’s all your fault. You’re pathetic. You’re the problem. Hyunjin moaned through the pain.

 You deserve to hurt. Not Seungmin. A red line appeared across his thigh and another. Multiple lines of blood were draw on his skin. Hyunjin held the bloody razor shakily. He didn’t realise how much blood there would be.

That doesn’t matter I deserve to bleed this much.

Now the iron taste was numbing his tongue, and he drops the razor. Hyunjin with great struggle; stumbles to grab toilet paper, having the fresh cuts sting as he moves. He dabs the toilet paper on the blood, which only makes Hyunjin tense once again and sharply vacuum in the blood-stained air.

 You deserve to bleed. You were the cause. You fucking monster.

…

His eyes felt too heavy. He didn’t want to open them, but his alarm was going off like crazy. Reluctantly, Hyunjin blindly stretched over to turn his alarm off, by doing so turning on his side scraping his cuts against the sheets. Hyunjin hissed at the pain; he quickly pulled his hand away from his phone to apply pressure to the injured area only to lose supported balance from his arm underneath causing him to ungracefully fall forward onto the floor.

“Oww! Aish. Fuck that hurt.” His alarm still going off was driving him crazy. “I get it. Shut up already! I’m up. Fucking stings.” He grunted while struggling to rise to his feet. He managed to prop himself onto his bed. Grabbing his phone then turning a nuisance of an alarm off. Hyunjin wanted to let the gravity of drowsiness pull him back to bed, but he knew he had to get up. He had to go to school. For Seungmin. He had to do better for Seungmin. No matter what. Hyunjin knew it didn’t matter what he wanted as long as he could make Seungmin happier.

He slipped into the bathroom the air felt heavier in here. He didn’t leave a mess last night. He had cleaned it. Seungmin would have not appreciated blood everywhere. He moved to the sink turned the water on just like last night. He looked into the mirror internally cringing as he knew he was going to see a monster.

Yep! The monster he saw was still there. He was thinking of cutting his hair. Maybe even dyeing it too, maybe a brown, who knows that might solve his monster problem. He starts getting dressed. He stares intently at the cuts on his thighs. Still bright with red. Only difference is the blood has dried.

 I look ugly. I deserve to look ugly. Should I bother going to school today? I have too…for Seungmin.

With a defeated sigh he puts on his school uniform.

For Seungmin.

Hyunjin then goes to put some toast in the toaster.

It’s getting colder, but that’s no excuse. I’ll just wear a scarf. For Seungmin.

He grabbed his bag which had all his books still from Friday.

I didn’t do my homework after all; doesn’t matter I’ll finish it at lunch. For Seungmin.

The toast popped out. Hyunjin starts spreading the butter. He looks at the clock 8:00am.

I’ll going to be late again. Maybe I should just stay home- No! I’ll still go for Seungmin.

With that Hyunjin ran towards the door with a buttered piece of toast in his mouth. He slipped on his shoes and locked the dorms door behind him and started to jog.

15 minutes is the usual walk. Hyunjin had eaten half of his toast and now he held it in one hand; taking bites here and there. He decided on the shortcut. It should shed 5 minutes off his travel time. He ran around the corner leading to Yorkview park, but as he turned another corner he suddenly bumped into someone. This caused his half-eaten toast to go flying out of his hand, yet Hyunjin didn’t care. Wide-eyed and mouth gaping open; Hyunjin didn’t even care about the pulsing pain from falling on his ass. All Hyunjin could think about was how to escape. He tightened his fists and started to stand. He failed as he was pushed back to the concrete. Once again he tries but fails as he’s kicked into the ground once again.

“Leave me alone!” Hyunjin yelled towards the someone- no people he had bumped into. Hyunjin heard Junho scoff.

“You think we would let you get off with what you pulled the other night?” Junho laughed sarcastically. “I don’t think so, because of you we are no longer considered worth being laid!” Junho kicked Hyunjin’s head and held it to the ground.

Hyunjin could taste the gritty and acidic concrete with a tint of dirt that people had walked through and started coughing although muffled due to being pressed against the hard ground. Next thing Hyunjin felt was the stinging sensation from his cuts. Junho’s mates had started kicking his legs. Of course, they didn’t know, but Hyunjin still felt insecure and vulnerable in his fetal position.

“You know because of you our college days are fucked. We can’t get laid. Go to parties, and worst of all, we are on record because someone called the cops and shut down the party that night. Which I think- no I know was you. You fucking little faggot. I hope that you die.” Junho spat on Hyunjin face. Hyunjin took it. Hyunjin knew it would end quicker if he didn’t fight back. Pain was launched at him from behind causing all the air to forcibly be thrown from his lungs leaving Hyunjin unable to breathe for what felt like a long period of time, but on reality was a couple of seconds.

Now, I’m definitely going to be late for school.

He grunted from the pain.

 Must go.

Another grunt escaped him as he was kicked again.

For Seungmin.

…

“See, because of music you got suspended. Once you graduate you will come run the company.” Changbin rolled his eyes while his father reprimanded him.

I didn’t get suspended, because of music, but whatever.

 “All you do is spend weekends with friends and you aren’t doing anything for our family.” Changbin couldn’t look at the man. He won’t admit him to be his father. That man didn’t deserve that much; not after having an affair. Don’t be mistaken, Changbin isn’t on his mother’s side either. She may be worse. They are still together as she threatened to take Changbin’s younger brother and that they would never see him again. Now Changbin lives at his own place. He knows once he becomes famous and rich he will pay back his ‘dad’ and cut ties.

I wonder if any of the others have to deal with family problems at this magnitude. I know Chan lives with family, but I never see them. I wonder if Chan is getting any sleep like I told him too, and not just one occasion mind you. Has Chan been communicating with I.N and Yuna effectively? Knowing him probably not. I hope Jisung is fitting into the group just fine, and Felix. Just Felix. I hope nothing bad ever happens to him. I wonder what my ‘father’ would think if I mentioned I was gay.

A flicker of a smirk creeps on Changbin’s face. As he stands there with his arms folded listening (But not listening) to his ‘father’ ridicule his career choice.

I also hope Hyunjin is okay. After those rumours. I guess as long as Seungmin and the rest of us are there for him, he will be fine. Lee Know…Sujin. I hope this all just blows over and doe-

“Won’t even answer me. Go over to the company and stay with Hansol. He is working in Finance on the 5^th floor. Ask Minsoo at reception to point you to him.” His ‘father’ basically wanted to blow out Changbin’s ear drums due to the fact that he was  bellowing instructions. Changbin didn’t want to go, but he also didn’t want to stay in his ‘father’s’ presence.

“fine.”

…

I.N brings his lunch to the groups table. Jisung looks quite uncomfortable. Maybe I should sit with him. His anxiety may be effecting him again. That thought was totally blow out the window once Chan sat down next to Han. I.N cringes looking back to the last time he was with Chan. Then a slight pain pinched his neck.I.N winced, but tried to forget about it as he turned to see Felix chatting happily to Hyunjin. Just as he was going to ask what lunch they got today he noticed Hyunjin’s cheek. Bruised and swollen.

“Jinnie…What happened to your face?”

“Oh! I fell over while running late to school.” He laughed it off. He seemed fine, but I.N just felt like something was off.

 Was he really okay? Was it Seungmin? Chris didn’t like the idea of talking about them yesterday. Maybe something happened. Maybe they didn’t make up.

“Innie! Want to try my new recipe. I perfected it. Please try my brownies. I decided to dedicate as much time as possible to baking them because Minho said he liked them.” Felix held up a container of ridiculously delicious smelling brownies with the purest smile that even I.N couldn’t help but coo at.

Am I seriously the youngest? Felix is more of a child than I am. He is so innocent and like a younger brother much rather than an older one.

“Thanks, Lix. I really needed something sweet to brighten me up.” It looked like Felix’ freckles lit up when I.N accepted to take one, but before I.N could even take one a figure came out of nowhere and swiped a brownie.

“HAHAHA! My precious⁓”

“Jisung this isn’t Middle Earth.” I.N deadpanned as he saw Jisung hunched over shoving the brownie into his cake hole.

“I know it’s not Middle Earth but let me have this moment Innie. Felix’ brownies taste the best and I gotta eat them all before Minho gets here.”

“What did you say, brat?” Jisung turned to Minho who had the world’s scariest draggers starring at him.  

“Minho…We were just talking about you. Felix has brownies.”

“You think mentioning Felix’ god sculpted; nectar from the gods tasting brownies will save you?” Jisung’s faint gulped filled the silenced atmosphere.

I.N loved how Jisung fits in. Just sometimes it seems he’s trying too hard. Like he is always happy – always. Jisung is so funny, and a chaos factor the group needs, for sure. But there is a sense of mystery.  At least, he seemed to appear not as uncomfortable as before, but Minho is even more of a surprise. Minho is usually deadpanned, emotionless, and stone faced, yet with Jisung he seems brighter.

 Maybe Jisung and Minho are- No! I.N what are you thinking? Why has your gay brain started pairing your friends together?

 I.N listened as they kept bickering. He wishes Seungmin and Changbin were here.

Where was Seungmin? Changbin was suspended, but Seungmin. Did Hyunjin and him really not make up? Is that why Hyunjin and Chan seem off? I hope that’s not the case.

I.N and Chan’s eye met. I.N actively adverted them first. He didn’t want to forgive Chan just yet. He wanted to keep him at arms-length just until he has totally forgiven him and received a proper apology.

“Channie! You want a brownie?” Felix had offered Chan some, before the rest of the kids devoured them.

“Thanks, Lixie, but I’m on a diet.”

“Oh! I’m sorry and we are eating it in front of you.” Felix appeared to be almost in tears. “I know how hard it is to be on a diet. I’m sorry.”

Very empathetic Felix. I.N half-smiled.

“It’s fine. More than fine. You guys eat up. It makes me full just watching you guys eat.”

I.N’s face drops. That was a lie. I.N knows it for sure. Chan is always hungry; he never stops eating.

Where is his food? No! No, I.N don’t think you must not let him win. He has to apologise again. One more time, before I accept it.

“Oh My God! Holy Moley! Jinnie are you doing homework at lunch?” Jisung practically announced it to the whole world, while interrupting I.N’s conflicted internal monologue.

…

School must be finished by now.

Seungmin thought as he stared down out the window of the hospital. Finally, he was to be discharged. Seungmin missed the dramatic cries in the late hours of the night from Hyunjin who would be watching dramas with unexpected plot twists. Seungmin missed the warmth of the apartment, the warmth of Hyunjin’s body falling asleep next to him after an emotional talk.

It’s freezing in here. A shiver ran up his spine.

“Cold?”

“Hyunjin? Finally, I want to get out of here.”

“Oh yes. Your saviour, me. Has come to swipe you off your feet onto my white stallion and ride into the sunset as we plan our happily ever after.” Hyunjin was so dramatic so over the top and it made Seungmin want to throw up sometimes, but Seungmin can agree that Hyunjin never makes anything boring. “oh umm…Here” Hyunjin held out a small, wrapped box.

“It’s not part of the happily ever after is it? Like maybe the wedding ring?” Seungmin couldn’t help but play along. Hyunjin was flustered and maybe deep down Seungmin had wished it was, but that was deep down. He knew he liked Hyunjin. He liked Hyunjin a lot, more than the others. Hyunjin held a special place in Seungmin’s books. Hyunjin deserved a whole genre section in his internal library. Named under Dramatic Crush Friend, but this doesn’t mean he loves Hyunjin in a non-platonic way, right?

“Just open it. Dork.” Seungmin couldn’t help but smile at Hyunjin’s insult. Seungmin lifted the lid to reveal a baseball. “It has a little stand. It’s just a welcoming home novelty gift. If you don’t like it, you can just throw-“

“I love it.” Seungmin straightforward as usual. “Now…I can think of you when I study.” Seungmin knew that was risky. He knew saying something that cringey and lovely dovely might make it weird, but he said it anyway. Hyunjin turned around.

Was he disgusted with my comment?

Seungmin was about to reach out before he spotted Hyunjin’s left ear, which was bright red. Seungmin had no control over his lips as they curled up in satisfaction.

“Jinnie? Are you okay? Are you sick? Do you want me to call for the nurse for a check-up? Do you a fever?” Seungmin condescendingly cooed. He knew Hyunjin was flustered, and he wanted to exploit that. Seungmin wanted to see Hyunjin embarrassed. He wanted to see Hyunjin happy, with his signature smile. Seungmin wanted to see everything Hyunjin could offer. Seungmin wanted to be selfish. Hyunjin was shaking his head with tremendous force, Seungmin thought his head might fly off.

“I also brought your homework from school.” Hyunjin’s voice was quiet and just audible enough for Seungmin to hear.

“Well, I guess we should do our homework once we get home.”

“No… I completed it during lunch.” Hyunjin seemed shy almost apart from a prideful gleam in his eyes as he turned around. Seungmin was astounded. Hyunjin doing his homework at lunch, no Hyunjin doing his homework, period. Seungmin needed proof.

“Oh really!” Seungmin’s fists landed on his hips. Hyunjin just nodded. That was when Seungmin noticed it. How could he not have noticed it before? Hyunjin had a bruise on his cheek. “Hyunjin what’s this?” Seungmin raised his hand up to Hyunjin face and delicately touched it. Hyunjin winced from the contacted.

“It’s nothing really I just fell over on my way to school.” Seungmin usually is savage, and love jokes but right now. He just wants to make sure Hyunjin is okay.

“I’ll take care of it when we get home. Okay. Stop being clumsy.”

…

“How was school?”

“How was work?”

“…touché” Changbin tsked. “Mr Seo made me work at the company again. He tries his best to push me in that direction, but I won’t ever give up on music.” Chan couldn’t help but feel a smile creep up on his face that his best friend values and holds the same passion. That smile soon vanishes as it’s replaced by his lips being pressed together in a straight line. He couldn’t look at Changbin just yet, instead he swallowed then said.

“Binnie… You know. I truly am sorry for that night. When we fought.”

“I know Chan.” Changbin folded his arms and he frowned into a serious expression. “I would have probably acted the same way in your position.”

“It’s still not a good enough excuse. I just…panicked.” Chan turned around in his office chair. “Now, about work?”

“I worked – if you can call it that with Hansol in finances. It was most boring 6 hours of my life. He had me sitting and typing in numbers all day, also making phone calls. I have my own place, yet Mr Seo barges in and has the audacity to make me work for him.” Changbin’s biceps tensed so hard Chan thought they were going to pop. There was a minute for Changbin to recollect himself and take a deep breath. “How is everyone?” Chan’s expression plummeted into guilty as his eyes widened and lips quivered, causing Changbin to furrow his brows. “What happened?”

“So…much…” Chan barely whispered, scared his voice would betray him.

“Chan, talk me through it” Changbin inched closer off the couch’s cushions.

“Seungmin…he was…raped.” Chan flickered his eyes away from Changbin for a second.

“WHAT!? R-ra-raped? You’re joking. Right? You are joking aren’t you?” Chan looked into Changbin’s eyes on the verge of tears. A solemn look was portrayed as Chan slumped over, elbows on his knees and hands clasped together to stop him from shaking. A stunned silence filled the air.

“He doesn’t remember it happening, and he seems mentally stable. I think Hyunjin is having the worst of it. He was in the room before Seungmin was. Hyunjin said he was almost…but he got away.” Chan voice hitched and he knew Changbin was freaking out. Chan knew his best friend was concerned about them as much as himself. “Hyunjin said it was a guy named Jae.”

“I’ll fucking kill him.” Chan could feel the bloodlust radiating seeping out from Changbin’s pours and saw his knuckles turn white. “Is Seungmin in the hospital? I want to see him.”

“Seungmin and Hyunjin should be on their way home right about now. Hyunjin would call if anything happened.” Chan reassured Changbin with a sad smile and a clenched jaw. Changbin seemed to be shaking. He got up. “The police are still investigating.” Changbin lunged forwards pushing his fist through the wall. Chan’s facial features cringed.

Ouch.

“If I ever see that guy. I’ll be the only one out of the two going to jail.” Changbin whispered with a monotoned voice. Chan could feel the goosebumps form on his upper arms.

This feels like déjà vu.

Chan should probably be angry about his wall, but he knows Changbin will replace it and he also understands what Changbin is feeling. The frustration, the anger, the helplessness of not being able to do something sooner. Chan hadn’t guessed what was going through his friend’s mind because he knew. Changbin cared so much about all the group as much as Chan, thus Chan knew what to say next.

“I’m going to catch him.” Chan stated with some returned strength. It caught Changbin’s attention.

“How?”

“With you of course. I need your help, and let’s just say that your time at work could provide useful.” Changbin raised his eyebrow.

“How so?”

…

“Thanks for letting me hang out with you guys.” I.N half-heartly smiled.

“Why wouldn’t we? Innie you are too precious to say no too.” Felix wrapped I.N into a hug although I.N didn’t like the physical attraction too much, but he appreciated Felix’ comfort, nevertheless.

“We thought you would want to hang around Chan. Since, well…you know, you like him.” Jisung said unsurely.

“H-How did you know? Who told you?” I.N frantically wailed his arms around while a smirk made its way onto Jisung’s face.

“You just did.”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Innie. I was guessing. I thought the reason you hung around Channie so often was because you liked him. I assumed that was the case, but now I know it is the case.” I.N was stunned. He was basically manipulated into saying that he liked Chan. “Your secret is safe with us Innie.”

“Yeah” Felix agreed. The three started walking to the noodle place just down the road to grab a bowl each.

“I bet I can eat faster and spicier noodles than the both of you.” I.N challenged.

“Yeah right. Felix and I can beat you. Right Felix?” Jisung turned to see Felix’ face spell out GUILT.

A faint gulp makes it way from Felix’ throat. “I can’t eat spicy things.” Felix closed his eyes and bowed his head to Jisung in apology.

“WHAAAT! But Lixie I needed your help. I thought because you had such a deep voice it was because you ate spicy meals all the time. Does this mean that I worked on the spice intolerance for nothing?” Shit! I can still do it. I know I can. “That’s okay Lix just cheer me on okay.” Jisung turned towards Felix once again to be faced with another guilty look.

“Jisung. I am going to go to Changbin’s today. I said I would bake brownies with him.”

“WHHAAAT! Lixie! B-but I thought we were going play smash bros today. And we were gonna invite Seungmin and Hyunjin. Remember our plan to make them be friends again.”

I.N quietly taps Jisung’s shoulder. “Umm… Jisung you’re being as dramatic as Hyunjin Hyung, and side note where the hell did you hear about spicy foods making your voice deeper?” Jisung’s face looked even more betrayed. (If that was possible).

“Innie how could you say that! I’m nothing like that over-confident, self-indulged and fancy haired pabo, and the internet of course.” Jisung puffed as he crossed his arms. I’m nothing like him. Would they rather him more than me? That thought made his face drop. Was Jisung trying too hard? Was he trying to be like Hyunjin to fit in?

“Speaking of Hyunjin and Seungmin. Have you guys actually seen or heard from Seungmin since the party?” I.N raised his hand to his chin. Felix shook his head and turned to balancing on the edge of the curb.

“No. I mean why would Seungmin need to see me? I don’t share any classes with him, and I get a feeling he likes me the least.” Jisung sighed and I.N just frowned at the response.

“Is that what you really believe Hyung?” I.N adverted his eyes to Infront of him. “He gave you a birthday present and didn’t he volunteer to sing for your new song district 9? Hyung, Seungmin isn’t the type to reach out unless he cares. He cares and thinks you as an equal. I know it.” Jisung opened his mouth but then closed it once again. They walked in silence for a while. Does Seungmin really think that? How could I.N know? If he does think what when will he stop? I guess then they find out my secret.

“Okay guys I gotta go now.” Felix breaks the silence. “Changbin said he would pick me up two blocks that way.” Felix points east past the office building and down a street on the other side of the road.

“See ya Felix” I.N gave a small wave.

“Bye. I’ll catch ya later Lixie.” Jisung seemed to try fake his happiness as much as possible. To his surprise it was enough. Felix was off.

“I’m going to call Seungmin.” I.N said immediately Felix was out of ear shot.

“Hello? Kim Seungmin speaking.” Jisung could barely hear Seungmin’s voice.

“Minnie. I have been so worried. You weren’t at school, Hyunjin wouldn’t speak about you. I’m arguing with Chan, and he wouldn’t say anything either.”

Wait, I.N is arguing with Chan? Jisung couldn’t believe it. Didn’t I.N have a crush on Chan? Why are they arguing?  

“Innie slow down. I’m fine. Hyunjin’s fine. Everyone is fine. Okay. I’ll be back to school tomorrow. Don’t you worry.”

“So, you and Hyunjin won’t come and play super smash bros?”

“Sorry Innie. Another time.”

The call was hung up. I.N looked a little devasted and the cheeky glint in his eyes from before was gone.

“It’s okay Innie. You and I can still hang out. Now are you gonna take me up on this challenge you suggested earlier or were you bluffing.” Seems like Innie is going through a lot more than meets the eye, and if I just had a fight with my crush and then be shrugged off by a friend then I would feel pretty pathetic.

“Yeah. Okay Hyung.” I.N a least showed a bit of a smile, enough to let Jisung know he said the right thing.

I just need to distract him.

“Innie let’s take a selfie. This is what the first time we have hung out together, just the two of us. Let’s make it memorable.” Han pulled out his phone with the signature Doraemon case.

“Oh! You have a SP phone.”

“Yeah. It was one of the out-dated ones. SP9. Now say cheese.” The two pose and Jisung clicks.

“You know Changbin’s family owns the brand.”

“WHAT!? No wonder he’s so rich.”

“But try not bring it up. He’s sensitive about his family.” Jisung nods and starts ushering I.N into the noodle place.

“Okay, okay. Let’s eat! I’m hungry.”

…

Felix is overwhelmed.

His mouth has been gaping open so wide it has started to hurt his jaw.

“Please make yourself at home Lix.” Changbin casually walked through the open kitchen area. If you think the front door is amazing just wait until you see the kitchen.

“Sheesh. This is wow! Binnie…are you sure I can wear my shoes?” Felix fidgeted with his fingers and lifted his left foot up an inch from the floor.

“Lix it’s fine. Come here and I’ll show you where everything is.” Changbin internally was cheering by how cute Felix looked in his doorway.

I could get used to seeing him come here. Coming home. I wish. Seeing his fluffy blonde hair bounce around while bringing home groceries is a dream, but I know that may never happen.

Felix beamed at the thought of using expensive and big branded kitchen suppliance’s. It was written all over his face. His eyes were filled with awe and excitement.  

“Hyung, I’m excited to get started making brownies with you. I’ve never been in a place this fancy. My parents never let me in the kitchen back in Australia.” Felix eyes wondered around enthusiastically but when mentioning his parents and home he began to slower his speech and advert his eyes to the ground. He didn’t frown, as he was still smiling just his smile became sadder.

“Why?”

“Because they wanted me to be safe. If it weren’t for my grandparents suggesting I study here then I would probably still be trapped. I still love my parents, but I wanted to experience more even if it is scary.” Felix was slowly walking towards Changbin who was already in the kitchen leaning on the bench and eyes furrowed out of concern and wonder about Felix’ home.

“So, you are funded by your grandparents?”

“Nope. Well not anymore. I just paid them back and work part-time. It’s just enough to get by.” Felix smiled proudly, but Changbin had never had finance issues couldn’t get his head around it.

“Do you want to borrow money off me?”

“no!” Felix basically shouted but shyly averted his glaze while shifting his weight to his left leg, only to face back to Changbin with a big smile. “I don’t want your money Binnie. I want you.” Changbin could feel heat spread everywhere, as he turned around to face his back towards Felix. His muscles were tense, his started pulse racing and wanted to giggle but pressed his lips together although he wanted to explore. If none of that was noticeable then the bright red flush of colour would.

Why is he so fucking cute? Why does he have to say things like that?

“Wow! Your kitchen looks so cool.” Changbin coughed to try and forget his thoughts and took a deep breath to calm himself. Changbin set out to showed Felix around the kitchen like where all the utensils are and ingredients. “Binnie I already brought the ingredients with me. See” Felix had brought a bag with him. Changbin had assumed it was his school bag. “I’m not gonna let you supply the kitchen and the food. Silly.” Felix giggles melted Changbin’s ears. If Felix giggles were a food then it would honey. A golden syrup the sweetens your mouth, but the only downside is it leaves you wanting more. Changbin wanted so much more. He loved how innocent Felix is, but he always loves how much Felix cares. To care enough just to reach out after school and check up on him. Cares about the others and always tries his best to provide light on dark situations. Changbin loves how Felix calms him and makes him feel lighter. Changbin wants to protect Felix at all costs.

…

“Binnie can you pass me the brown- CHANGBIN! STOP! No! too much.”

“Huh?” Is all Changbin responded with. Felix cringed by squinting his eyes only to a second later race over to the second bowl which he let Changbin place the ingredients in to stop the disaster that was unfolding.

“It’s ½ a teaspoon not a tablespoon of baking powder.” That would have ended up a disaster. Good thing I checked.

“Oh. Sorry.”

“It’s okay Bin Hyung.” Felix took a deep breath to relax himself. He quickly checked his pulse, and he was back to normal. “I just thought the more the better.”

“Binnie. Baking powder is really bitter. It only helps raise the brownie. If you put too much in then it would raise too quickly causing everything to collapse, plus the brownie will be too bitter. We gotta be careful.” Changbin held out a small pout. Felix couldn’t help but feel bad for yelling before. “Sorry. I yelled.”

“Lix. It’s fine. You were worried about the brownie.” Felix nodded.

Yeah…but that doesn’t make it right.

“Binnie. How is Lee Know?” Changbin’s facial features seemed like he just remembered something mixed with a cringe expression too. Felix tilted his head as if saying ‘well?’

“Hey about that well… I don’t like them.”

“What!? You just lost feelings? That’s so sad. What if they return the feelings but you have already moved on?” Felix started making this pouty sad face while he combined both bowls and folded the mix of ingredients made Changbin feel a little uncomfortable due to the fact it was about his fake crush on Lee Know. Changbin is a man of principals he hates having to keep up this charade. He needs to speak with Jisung ASAP. “Have you seen or heard from Seungmin? I.N asked about it just before I came here.”

Changbin froze. Seungmin wasn’t what he wanted to talk about either. Seungmin’s predicament just makes him furious. Changbin just wants to smash his head in. On the other hand, Felix is worried as well. Felix wants to make sure his friend is okay. Changbin is consistently worried about Lee Know’s past groupmates coming back to disrupt everyone all the time and now with Seungmin on top of it. Now all these little these are piling up. He is glad that Felix is here. Felix calms him down so much.

Felix doesn’t understand why Changbin looks so freaked out. It’s looks like his mind is thinking a million miles a minute, so Felix does what Felix can. He wraps his arm around Changbin huge bicep. “Don’t worry Binnie. I’m always here for you. I know that you must have so much on your plate.” Felix could feel Changbin’s muscles melt into a relaxed position. After a minute of silence, a ding is heard from the oven. “Oh! They’re ready. Hehe. These brownies will make it worth the wait.” Felix puts on the oven mitts and pulls out the brownie. “WOAH! Smells so good. It’s the baby we made Binnie.” If Changbin was drinking something he would have spat and sprayed it everywhere instead choking on air was unavoidable. Felix puts the brownies on a wooden board then faced Changbin with a huge pout and his fists dramatically sat on his hips.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing I wasn’t la-“ Changbin couldn’t bring himself to finish that sentence he’d much rather make Felix think he was laughing more than choking.

Geez. I don’t see anything so funny about our brownie baby. “We made our brownie baby with love you just laugh at it.” Felix puffed. Changbin was starting to think Felix IS WAY TOO INNOCENT for this world.

“Yes. We did. I’m laughing because of how cute it looks. I mean both parents are the visuals of our little group.” Felix couldn’t help have a wide grin and eyes sparkling.

“What about Jinnie?”

“Who? Just kidding. I mean he is the third best-looking in the group.” They both end up in fits of giggles.

“You know I feel so lucky I came here. Meeting you, Channie, and Hannie. Everyone really. Learning Korean. The first week from moving here I thought I’d never make friends or fit in, but then I met Chan at a party, and he seemed to realise I looked uncomfortable. Therefore, he took me home and now I can’t think of ever living without any of you. You guys are my family now. I want to make you all happy.” Felix recounted his first encounter with Chan while smiling gleefully. Changbin felt something hit his heart. It was warm and it sent the heat everywhere through-out his body. This heat was something that can’t be explained with words alone. Changbin couldn’t take his eyes off Felix’ soft-looking lips. Changbin could swear Felix was growing closer. Changbin had started to purse his lips.

Why is he so quiet? What’s this face he’s making for? Did I say something wrong? Felix cleared his throat. To try erase this weird tension that filled the area around him. Changbin looked pale.

“Are you okay?” Changbin either didn’t hear Felix’ question or completely ignored it. Either way it worried Felix. “Binnie? Are you okay?” Felix asks once again; furrowing his brows and curved his lips down out or worry. Changbin seemed to have snapped out of a trance.

“Yeah. Sorry. I was thinking about something important.” Felix hummed in acceptance to that answer. Then he turned to start cutting the Brownie up.

“You know. You can speak to me about anything Binnie. I used to think you were just really scary, but now I think I was being judgemental. You are cute, funny, and caring. Just I hope that you like me too.”

“Of course, I like you!” Changbin practically shouted. Felix seemed to flinch backwards more of surprise than fear, due to his wide-eyed and brow-raised reaction. Changbin could feel his ears heat up. “Sorry…” Felix giggled at the response but continued putting the brownies into a container. Changbin watched with astonishment at how Felix could look so pretty so effortlessly. How his freckles dance on his face and his hair looked so soft. His hands be so small and adorable. Changbin knows he’s fallen hard. Way too hard. “Felix?”

“Yeah”

“D-do you w-want to watch a movie w-with me next time?” Changbin felt stupid for sounding so nervous.

“Hmm.” Felix raised his hand to his chin. “definitely. As long it’s not a horror. I can’t watch horror.” Felix develops goosebumps as he shivers just thinking about some horror titles. Changbin’s shoulders ease down which he hadn’t noticed were so tense. “All done. Now time for the clean-up.” And with that a sigh escapes Changbin’s lips, but as long as he was doing dishes with Felix it was okay.

…

Changbin was laying in bed. It’s been two hours since he dropped Felix home and the sun had already set. Changbin doesn’t want to think or stress over what has been happening. Seungmin, Hyunjin. Lee Know. All of them are suffering and Changbin feels so helpless, so instead his mind wonders to earlier today with Felix. Baking and then cringes due to the mistake of almost kissing him.

What does Felix taste like?

A twitch sparked in Changbin’s briefs.

Why is it always Felix that makes me so horny?

Changbin couldn’t help but start fantasizing about Felix. His body started feeling way too hot, so he pulled down his briefs to reveal himself. His cock was throbbing with eagerness to be pleasured. Changbin gripped it delicately and started to rub; with his other hand he opened his bedside table and took out a bottle of lube. He sat up and applied it to his hands and then proceeded with rubbing his hand back and fourth over his cock as he imagined…

Himself thrusting into Felix from behind while Felix was bend over the kitchen bench. Felix grunts when being penetrated feed Changbin’s lust to move faster, to move harder.

“You are so tight.” Changbin said panting. “Felix. You are so amazing.”

“You too- Hyung.” Felix made sharp and beautiful moans. Changbin stopped thrusting and grabbed Felix by the waist to turn him around.

“I want to taste your soft lips baby” and with that Felix pressed his lips passionately against Changbin’s. Changbin felt himself melt and once they parted-

“You taste so sweet Felix.”

“Only for you Hyung…May I?”

“May you what?” A silence as the realisation hits Changbin. “Oh. Only if you want too.”

Felix gets on his knees and grips firmly around Changbin’s dick. “I want to. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while.” Felix slowly wraps his lips around Changbin, whilst slowly moving his head back and forth.

“Faster” Felix does as he is told. Picking up the pace even messaging Changbin balls as Changbin moans in pressure. “Felix, You’re so good. I-I’m getting close now. Just a little more. Please.” And a pop sound was Felix releasing his mouth from Changbin’s cock.

Changbin rubs faster and faster as his muscles started tensing in anticipation, while simultaneously grabbing a tissue from the box on the bedside table before-

A burst of Changbin’s cum landed on Felix’ face. Felix didn’t seem lest bit put off by it, instead he licked some off from the side of his mouth.

“Mmm. I hope I did enough to satisfy you Hyung.” Felix was still knelt down with cum on his face smiling up at Changbin.

“Oh, you did more than just please me Lix. You were such a good boy.”

…

It’s good to be back.

 Seungmin sighed in relief as he entered the apartment dorm.

“Happy to be back?”

“yep.” Hyunjin hoped Seungmin doesn’t see any of his paintings until he is done. Hyunjin did prepare with a sheet to go over them. He just prayed that they are dry enough not to smudge or he might actually cry. Seungmin fell to the couch. It was kind of awkward. “Why are you just standing there?”

“Oh! Umm…” Hyunjin half trips on his school bag as he tried to walk over to Seungmin. Hyunjin reaches him and plops down, right next to him.

“Hyunjin. I’m still really sorry. I know you like to party and let loose, but I don’t think I can come with you to those types of activities.” Hyunjin frowned and flared his nostrils.

“Why are you telling me this? I already know. I’m not going to force you to ever go. Minnie…I don’t think I wanna go anymore. I’m over those sorts of clubs and parties.” Hyunjin felt himself start shaking.

Hyunjin? Really? You don’t realise how relieved that makes me to know you aren’t in any danger.

Seungmin took a deep breath and grabbed Hyunjin’s hand and placed in on his lap.

“Seungmin are you ok-“

…

“Thank you. Hyunjin. I mean it. I just want you to know I’m grateful.” Hyunjin felt something wet hit the hand Seungmin took. Next thing Hyunjin couldn’t comprehend was Seungmin kissing that said hand. Hyunjin could feel the heat he was radiating. Hyunjin didn’t know what or how to respond. He felt his chest and stomach take turns doing loop-the-loops. Hyunjin could feel his head become a little light, but he had to burry that stuff deep down.

 I can’t let this be weird for Seungmin. Seungmin is trying to show his gratitude and I can’t fuck it up like everything.

“Hyunjinnie?”

“Y-yeah.”

Good one Hyunjin sound completely awkward.

“Can you sleep with me tonight? I don’t want to be alone.” Seungmin appeared to be curled into himself as if he was shy from asking. Hyunjin didn’t try to read into anything as right now. All Hyunjin wanted was to be there for his friend.

“Okay. Sure.” Hyunjin got up still feeling the numbing pain of bruises that were inflected onto him earlier that morning. Also, his cuts weren’t helping much either. He sucked the air in through his teeth as he got up praying Seungmin doesn’t notice, which if he did he didn’t say anything about it. “I’m going to go wash up.” Seungmin just nodded.

“I’ll help clean your bruise.”

…

Seungmin climbed into bed with Hyunjin.

“It’s getting colder lately. Should we share the bed more often?” Seungmin thought maybe he was being too direct as Hyunjin brought the duvet closer to his face.

“S-sure.” Curled into a fetal position. Seungmin took the opportunity to squeeze him tight.

“Goodnight. Jinnie.” Seungmin closed his eyes and breathed in Hyunjin’s sent. Hyunjin yawned and then snuggled into Seungmin chest for warmth.

“Goodnight. Minnie. Sweet dreams.”

“You, too.” Seungmin whispers with a tired grumble, then the next thing that came to mind was...

I love you. 

…

Today, Minho regretted drinking at the party. He regretted waking up with a painful fucking mind-grain. He regretted the fact he told Jisung some stuff relating to his past, Yet at the same time he didn’t. He didn’t regret the fact Jisung knows some of his past trauma. It just didn’t sit very well with him that he was okay with it. Chan had said he was speaking vaguely about the incident therefore no one suspected much.

Minho glanced over at Han. There was nothing on the board that was interesting anyway. Minho convinces himself that anything is more interesting than the board, even Han. He saw Han concentrating on copying down an equation Minho learnt weeks ago.

Han’s hair is just so…fluffy!

The slightest touch and it would be like patting a cloud. The thought brings about a half smile, but that vanishes quickly due the gained attention of Jisung.

“Hey Minho. Did you know that Cheetah’s are so fast!”

“Oh really?!” Minho says very happily, yet in an extremely condescending way.

“Yeah they can run about 120km per- wait. You don’t even care do you?”

“Jisung I think everyone knows Cheetah’s are fast” and with that Minho’s iconic eye roll succeeds in making Jisung bury his eyebrows together.

“I was watching a documentary and only really thought about how fast Cheetah’s really are. It’s quite incredible if you think about it.” Jisung crosses his arms like a small child who isn’t being listened too. He starts to ignore Minho. Which didn’t last long as Jisung kept averting his glaze back too often for Minho’s liking.

“Can you not?” Minho tried to be as deadpanned as possible only to fail with a clench of his jaw.

“Can you not?” Jisung mimics him. “You know we should hang out more.”

“Why would I want to hang out with you?”

“Aww there you go pushing people away again. Cute.”

Minho just ignores him after a final eye roll and shake of the head. Han went on talking about some documentary he was watching about Cheetah’s and other savannah animals. Minho was half listening. He was still so conflicted about supposedly telling Han about Sujin. He doesn’t want to trust Han or now does he? He feels so confused with Han and this feeling, this connection. Minho is talking more and opening up. He can see that himself. Minho does want to trust people again but doesn’t, hasn’t until now. If Han were to betray him, then Minho wouldn’t be able to do it anymore. Han forces walls down when it’s just them. It’s different with someone like Hyunjin where Minho is slowly lowering his walls himself, but Han just rips through them, and it scares Minho. Terrifies him. He knows Han acts slightly different when other people are around it’s still him but not him. Almost like he doesn’t trust himself. Minho can’t help but keep being dragged towards him. Han is like a gravity that Minho succumbs to every time he is within his presence. It’s frustrating for Minho. It’s concerning that he might fall if he keeps allowing himself to be swallowed up by his gravity, but at the same first if he goes against the force of gravity it will inevitably trip him. Han may be a walking contradiction, but Minho understands him in that way. Understands that he holds myself back causing conflict within himself. Saying or doing things he wouldn’t normally do. It’s something he can’t explain. His smile may be pushed a little harder around others or his laugh forced out more, but he just seems scared to be himself. His full self.

…

“Hi Hyunjin! Going to the party next week?”

Hyunjin ignored him. Hyunjin just kept walking, kept his head down and kept his mouth shut. Hyunjin didn’t even know who he was. Just some popular fake, one out of hundreds that loiter the hallways. The school’s hallways. The same hallways were Hyunjin used to feel like he was king. Now, the hallways seemed more daunting than ever. The rumours still lingered. There is just no break. It’s not just the rumours now, they all judge the way he looks. The bruises he can’t cover. He’s sure they all already know about the ones he does cover and not just the black, purple, and ugly marks but the scars from his mistake.

The only thing keeping Hyunjin going is Seungmin. He must get through today for Seungmin. Even if that means dealing with Junho and his mates beating him every day. He was running late again today, and he thought taking the short-cut was a good idea until-

They waited for him. They wanted to hurt Hyunjin. They brought bat this time. Hyunjin remembers Junho’s smug smile as his mates hit his stomach, so he dropped to the ground, then his back. He thought that if his spine wasn’t broken then he must have the toughest spine in the world, as they violently took turns swinging the bat down. Apparently it was only 10 minutes when Hyunjin checked his watch. They threatened Hyunjin to be prepared for worse tomorrow.

Hyunjin doesn’t even want to think about tomorrow. He thought he could get through today fine, and he was. In his opinion. He was dealing with everything rather well. Seungmin was the only one he was desperately trying to keep in his mind. Hyunjin wants to impress Seungmin. Hyunjin doesn’t want Seungmin thinking that he needs to be protected. Hyunjin wanted to prove he was strong. He was planning on giving Seungmin the painting which he is working on for his birthday, but it isn’t anywhere near finished.

Hyunjin had reached the dance studio. Earlier today Felix had sent a text saying he’s working an earlier shift at the convenience store so he couldn’t make it to practice. Hyunjin pulled back the heavy door to a corridor of practice rooms, Minho had said he would be in practice room no.08. He was. Minho was practicing already. His movements were intense and Hyunjin had never heard the song that was playing.

Hyunjin entered the room. Minho stopped and turned the music off.

“Chan wanted us to make choreo for this song 3racha produced” Minho took his water bottle. Pursed his lips and drank. Once he was satisfied he wipe his mouth with his arm. “They call it District 9.” Hyunjin nodded and put his bag down. “It’s pretty intense cardio. I was thinking we could start off with the chorus. I was planning on doing something sharp as that’s how the music feels. Almost like breaking free.”

Of course, straight to business. Typical Minho.

“Okay let’s do it.” Minho turns the music on and demonstrates the moves he was thinking on using.

“Okay your turn.” Minho instructs Hyunjin.

Hyunjin takes a deep breath.

I wonder if Seungmin would like to see me dance to his singing.

Hyunjin’s face lights up at the thought, then the music starts. He tries remembering how Minho did it, but he couldn’t quite concentrate on it.

I wonder if when Seungmin does remember that night that he might never be the same. He won’t be Seungmin. Will he be scared to have a relationship? Maybe he doesn’t even want one. Is this why I’m working so hard? Because I want to be in a relationship with Seungmin?

Hyunjin loses balance he tries to concentrated harder; his brows are drawn together, then he finds his centre again, and continues to dance to the song.

I don’t deserve Seungmin. I don’t deserve anything from after running. Everyone hates me already. Everyone…

“Hyunjin!” The music stops.

…

“You’ve come to school with more bruises than yesterday. You are more distracted than ever before. What’s wrong?” Minho keeps a stern but concerned look. His eyes travel all over Hyunjin’s face for any sighs of distress. To his dismay there is. Hyunjin looks horrible. Puffy eyes with dark bags underneath. If it wasn’t his face showing Minho that Hyunjin isn’t well then it was his sluggish movement. “What’s wrong?” Minho says again with a softer tone. It seemed like Hyunjin couldn’t keep it in any longer. His sobs fill the studio as he collapsed to the ground with his hands covering his face.

“I c-c-can-n’t” Hyunjin tried to make out words but are inaudible for Minho.

“Shh. Just let it all out first.” Minho kneels down next to Hyunjin. Minho is hesitant. He has never had anyone come to him like this. Minho doesn’t know what to do. Should he hug him? Minho isn’t the sort that likes hugs. “It’s going to be alright.” Hyunjin just cries harder and lets out high-pitched wail. Minho’s chest suddenly feels heavy. It feels like someone is patting his back which is vibrating through-out his chest. That gives Minho the solution to help. He awkwardly raises his hand then touches Hyunjin’s back. Sometime passes and Minho couldn’t feel Hyunjin breathing hitch anymore so, he decided just to pat his back lightly while rubbing it every now and again.

After what felt like 20 minutes, it might actually have been. Hyunjin’s breathing started leveling out. Tear trails were stained on his cheeks and his eyes still puffy, but he seemed to calm down. “Now. Can you tell me what happened?” Minho still used a low and soft voice. Hyunjin nodded lethargically.

“It’s my f-fault.” Hyunjin said shakily.

“Just take a deep breathe.” Minho reassured.

“I shouldn’t have left the party, hyung. Because I did…S-Seungmin was r-r-assaulted.” Hyunjin had tears coming back; forcing their way out, therefore Hyunjin brought his hands up to catch them, but it was too late. Hyunjin took another shaky breath. Minho just kept patting his back. Hyunjin was rocking back and fourth to try calm myself.

“Take your time. Hyunjin.” Hyunjin swallowed forcefully, after a few more minutes he spoke.

“Chan doesn’t want anyone else to know. For Seungmin’s sake.” Hyunjin was still shaking but now his voice was monotone. Hyunjin looked like he stopped trying. Stopped caring, but Minho knows why. Minho knows it’s a defence mechanism where you have so much empathy or emotion then for the sake of yourself your mind shuts off that part. Not entirely, but just to cope. This is bad. Really bad. Minho knows he is dealing with a case of PTSD.

“Hyunjin. Take a minute.”

“I’m okay.” Hyunjin shares the most heart wrenching smile, everything about this isn’t sitting right with Minho.

Why did Chan say not to tell everyone else? Hyunjin needs help. Is Chan trying to destroy him? No Chan isn’t like that, but he isn’t thinking clearly.  

“Hyunjin. Do you mean that Seungmin was sexually assaulted at the party that you left to go too?” Minho could read between the lines. He knew straight away what Hyunjin was trying to mean but he just needs to make sure. In case he says something wrong. Hyunjin just nodded solemnly.

They sat there for about 5 minutes before anyone of them talked again. All Minho could think about was his experience. How he was pinned to the bed. How is was laughed at. How betrayed and helpless he felt, how violated he was and still is. He prayed that Sujin wasn’t involved.

“Sujin sexually assaulted me.” Hyunjin turned to Minho shocked. “Him and his mates. If Chan didn’t come in time. Let’s just say I wouldn’t be here.” Hyunjin stared at the ground. Processing the information that had been shared. “Was he involved?”

“No…I know who did it. H-he tried to g-get…me first.” Hyunjin took another shaky breath. “I jumped. Into the pool from the second floor and didn’t look back. I wish I did. I wish I saw Seungmin go upstairs. I wish…” Hyunjin’s speech sped up in a nervous panic. Minho could see sweat appearing. Minho knew he needed to calm Hyunjin down.

“Shh.” Minho patted his back again. “You were so brave. You know that.”

Fuck. This happened just the weekend past. I guess Hyunjin’s flight or fight response came in. He proceeded with flight. I was…nothing.

Minho felt his comfort smile drop at the thought. At the thoughts of his past and that his friends were going through something similar.  

“You know you’re stronger than me. You have all this to deal with. You know I’m always here. Felix, Changbin, Han. Everyone. You’re not alone. You have your friends. We love you Hyunjin.” Minho could feel himself shaking, but he needed to be strong for Hyunjin. “Now how about we go grab something to eat and drink. Felix isn’t here today anyway. So, we can take a break today.” Hyunjin took a final shaky breath.

“Okay.”

…

“Cya Innie.” Han waved as he turned to leave the cafeteria.

Innie is so nice to hang with. I hoped Felix isn’t overworked. Maybe I should start looking for a part-time job? Oh! Hyunjin is at practice with Minho. Maybe we should just walk together to tutoring. I should get Minho to tutor me in math. I can never get my head aro-

Han was too immersed in his thoughts that he didn’t see someone with a stack of books walk in front of him, therefore they collided, and the books fell everywhere.

“Oh! I’m so sorry. It’s my fault. I never see where I’m going, and I don’t know my way around just yet.” The stranger apologises while quickly dropping down and picking up his books.

“Don’t be. I was in another world. I wasn’t watching either.” Han feels so awkward. He doesn’t really like meeting new people, especially under these circumstances. He just stood there for a few seconds to actually process what just happened, then panicked since he wasn’t helping to pick up the book.

Han. You idiot. Why didn’t you help him sooner?

By the time Han helped he only picked up one book for the stranger and handed back.

“Thank you. I’m Jin. I’m new.”

“Really!? I’m fairly new too. I’m Han Jisung.”

“Wow! So much in common already. I’m kind of in a rush. You seem really nice, and I don’t have any friends yet. Do you think we could exchange numbers?” Jin looks down shyly while using his foot to play with the dirt on the ground. Heat found it’s way onto Han’s face.

Why did it suddenly get so hot?

“Umm. Really direct, but I mean yeah sure. Why not?” Han has no idea why, but he doesn’t get to good of vibes from his guy, yet he is curious as to why. Han takes out his phone.

“Oh! You like Doraemon too?” Han couldn’t believe it. Felix hadn’t watched Doraemon he had only heard of it, since he grew up in Australia. But this guy, this guy knows it.

“It’s my favourite. Oh! And I can do a great impression. Wanna see?”

“Yes!”

Chapter Text

Why? Why Chan why? Why? Hyunjin…why ask Hyunjin to keep it a secret? everyone deserves to know, right? I just don’t understand.  We can help Seungmin get through it. We definitely deserve to know. Chan can’t just let himself, Hyunjin and Seungmin carry this kind of pressure. I’m worried for Hyunjin…How is he going to cope? How he is-

“Minho. Guess what.” Jisung interrupted Minho’s thoughts by sitting down next to him with a child-like grin. Minho scoffed, as Han’s weight shifted into his side as he popped his feet up on the chair next to him, spreading out as if he owned the place.

Oh! just great. “I don’t like these kinds of guessing games.”

“Come on⁓ I’ll even give you a prize if you guess right.” and with that, Minho finally showed Jisung his infamous eye roll; before proceeding to guess – mentally noting Han’s confidence.

Fuck- hopefully saying something ridiculous can just shut him up.

“Fine, let me guess. I suppose you ran into some fabulous guy and now are head over heels for him and have come to me for advice, and my advice is you already know is he is most likely to be a fucking jerk who will use you as a fuck buddy. So, no. Jisung I don’t think you should ask him out.” Minho raised an eyebrow to Jisung smugly as to indicate a question of ‘there are you happy now?’

There was a silence filled with awe and a stinge of bitterness seeming to be radiating from Jisung.

“Wow. How’d you guess?” Minho almost anime fell out of the chair. He didn’t except that to actually be the answer.

“What?!” Minho was too stunned to move as he only just managed to balance himself half off the cafeteria chair, as if he wasn’t already with Han’s weight on him. “Han. Do you even know the first thing about having a crush? You can’t just meet someone for the first time and except a connection.” Han pushed himself off Minho.

Tsk. What is wrong with this guy. A Stupid crush. Han probably doesn’t know the first thing about love and how people can turn on you.

“It’s true . You can find love at first sight Hyung. You wouldn’t understand. You don’t care enough to love anyone! And  FYI he isn’t some kind of jerk that would want to use me.” Jisung sat himself up properly crossing his arms and huffed like a toddler not getting their own way, but little did he know how much that comment pinched Minho’s insides. Little did he know how Minho’s heart shrunk. Little did he know how much it hurt even more coming from him. Minho’s gaze was solely glued to the floor in contemplation of leaving, but before he could stand up to leave Changbin, Felix and Chan all sat down at the round table portraying concern.

Chan…

“What did Jisung do this time?” Chan raised an eyebrow in question. Han quickly sprang up, causing Minho to jerk slightly.

“Excuse me? I didn’t do anything. It’s Minho that’s weird.”

I’m Weird? Geez says the fairy tale believing little shit that needs to be taught a lesson.

Oh! That’s right. I played that stupid guessing game. I want my prize.

Minho forced Jisung into the forefront of his mind in hopes of distracting himself away from Chan and the whole ‘secret’ problem, but very now and again he happened to spare a glance towards Chan and being reminded that he is carrying so much but won’t share the weight around as friends should.

“So where is this prize you promised me?” Jisung turned to Minho, heat smudging his face.

“I never mentioned a prize.” Minho just rolled his eyes.

The fuck you did.

“Yes you did.” Minho’s heart ached with every beat, but he was sure it would disappear so he tried his best to pay no attention to it. Since when did he care about what others thought?

It’s the same feeling. The same feeling when I think or talk about Su-jin. Why am I so affected by Han having a silly crush? I mean it’s not like he could really have one. I’m sure it’s all just a little ploy to gain attention like always…but then again…what if he actually does have a crush? Who is it?   

Minho is usually stone-faced and void of emotion in most cases, yet his brows are furrowed, and lips pursed in disgust.

“Jisung. Did you finish up those lyrics I asked for? And I’m not even gonna ask about this prize and whatever Minho did to get it.” Changbin gave an example of one of Chan’s dad faces which held usually entailed denial from a bratty kid. Although a hint of a smirk underlined his expression.

“Yes! Matter of fact I did…and Minho if you want your prize so badly here.” Jisung answered Changbin just before he gave Minho a sushi roll. Minho stared at it. It might not have been much or anything special, but Minho can’t shake a warming sensation the surrounded his heart smoothing some of the grief that seems to hold him hostage. “Your prize…” Minho didn’t quite understand how this small ‘prize’ could make him feel almost as if he was high – not like he knew what that felt like. It’s childlike to give each other small gifts such as food-

A grin made its way on Minho’s face.

He’s such a kid.

“Hey Felix, did you finish watching it?” Minho snapped out of his thoughts as Jisung asked his question.

“I’m on number 4. I think that’s the one with the dragon and that wizard tournament. I kind of found number 3 scary. Like the dementors. I couldn’t sleep well. I had a couple nightmares where they tried breaking into my apartment.” Felix shyly mumbled the end of his answer. Minho could sense a frightening dark aura surrounding Changbin and if his face was anything to go by Minho assumed if Changbin could, he would kill those nightmares that seemed to plague Felix’ dreams.

“Felix, come on man, it’s not that scary. It’s just Harry Potter. It’s a kids show.”

Shit! Jisung. Does he not pay attention? Read the room. For fuck’s sake.

Jisung shut up after that. Changbin seemed to have been losing his patience. Minho could hear every gulp Jisung projected as he watched Changbin glared at Jisung while ripping through his Chicken breast.

He deserves this. Minho deadpanned while he watched the unfold of Jisung silently being threatened.

“Felix! Didn’t you have brownies yesterday? Shouldn’t you eat something a little healthier than cupcakes and sweets?” I.N announced as he joined the group. Seungmin and Hyunjin not far behind him carrying their lunches.

Come to think of it. Felix has been eating a lot of sweets lately.

“Well…What else am I supposed to do with all the sweets I bake?”

“Give them to me.” Jisung practically jumped out of his seat, forgetting all about Changbin who jerked in surprise, causing him to almost drop a piece of his chicken.

“No. me. I’ve known Felix longer so naturally I’m his first pick.” Hyunjin opposed Han.

Here we fucking go. Minho raised an eyebrow out of annoyance.

“Nah. Felix and I are soulmates. So, he will choose me before you Drama Llama.”

“Guys…” Felix tried to intercept by raising his hands in defence. As Hyunjin scoffed and glanced away from Jisung for a second with disgust before returning with even more fiery than before.

“Llama?...Okay listen here you little shit I was-“

…

“Both of you stop!” Chan voiced quite loudly and clapped his hands. “Do I need to repeat myself from our first sleepover party with Jisung? Hmm?” I.N frowned when Chan spoke, as if he realised something. Truth is I.N noticed. I.N always notices. Chan doesn’t have lunch again today. I.N had promised himself not to say anything therefore he stayed quiet. Minho on the other hand in I.N’s perspective seemed a bit off, more than usual. He glares at Chan every now and again then proceeds to give Hyunjin and Seungmin a slight sympathetic look. I.N always notices changes in his friend’s behaviours and what those behaviours mean, but usually it’s easier to read, today he just felt lost. I.N tries to think what could be causing these behaviours. He believes it could be linked to Lee Know being Minho. But like always he just stands and watches from the sidelines. Come to think of it, ever since Jisung arrived I.N has had trouble. He blames the shift in the group, therefore he just needs time to adjust. Even though he notices everything going on, sometimes he wishes for someone to notice him. Well...one person in particular. I.N wants him to notice how much he feels sick. Sick about how things were left in their friendship, sick in literal terms, as his neck is killing him. The lump still hasn't disappeared. It's getting harder to breathe. 

…

“Minnie! How are you? I haven’t seen you in like forever.” Jisung asked. “I guess you and Jinnie finally made-up.” Minho noticed Han’s smile seemed pushed, but Minho hoped it was because he wanted to change his attention away from Chan’s reprimanding rather than not actually being that happy to see Seungmin. Minho studied Seungmin and Hyunjin reactions.

Man, Trying to read people all the time is exhausting.

“What about me? You haven’t seen me in a while too.” Changbin whined from across the table.

“Don’t worry Binnie. I missed you.” Felix smiled up at him. “Even if I did spend time with you on Monday. I still missed you.” Minho overheard the conversation but tried to focus back on Seungmin, missing the way Changbin’s face blossom red.

…

Seungmin was quiet. He was still trying to remember what happened. It’s hard to explain. He remembered lights, a spinning sensation and a mirror reflecting someone’s hand firmly clasping a bottle. Other than that, nothing. Seungmin’s muscles tensed as he recalled the doctor telling him, he was sexuality assaulted and raped, but Seungmin only remembers fragments. He can’t believe it. He feels unsure and weird. His eyebrows knit together in concentration trying to remember.

Maybe this is what it feels to be violated… Like if you were drowning and just about to break the surface until something grabs hold of your leg and pulls you down – destroying all hope.

He does remember a feeling of desperation. Like he was hoping for something, but a numbed fuzz muffled his thoughts.

“Hyung. Are you excited for your birthday?” I.N grabbed Seungmin's attention by tapping his shoulder, thus making Seungmin’s eyebrows rise in interest.

“mmmh, I guess. But it’s not that special.” Seungmin relaxed his facial muscles as he stared into I.N’s big uwu eyes that transformed into even wider full circles.

“What do you mean not special?” I.N asked concerned a small pout spouted onto his face.

“Yeah. Minnie your birthday is gonna be so fun.” Jisung said even adding a nickname, which Seungmin appreciated greatly, but he won’t tell Jisung that.

“Minnie, everyone wants it to be special, therefore it will be. All we want is you to accept that it will be.” Hyunjin gently placed his hand on Seungmin’s shoulder and Seungmin wanted nothing more than reach up and hold his hand, instead he turned his head towards Hyunjin and was attacked by the most warming sight. His smile.

“We could also do something like tell scary stories. I’ve always wanted to with you guys…” Minho said quietly. Everyone catching it in surprise. Jisung grinned while looking at the back of Minho’s head.

“What a great idea Hyung.” Seungmin agreed with a devilish smirk while staring at the Australians and Hyunjin. “Although, I think that we may have a few that would most likely disagree.” This notion only fuelled Seungmin’s desire as his smirk widened creepily.

…

“Yeah. Especially, if they are scared of Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban.” Jisung wiggled his eyebrows and a grin on his face as he looked at a terrified Felix who was clenching on Changbin’s huge bicep. Changbin would’ve gotten angry at Jisung, but was too preoccupied by Felix’ touch, and his head circled the room a dozen times making him dizzy. He did manage to give a small grimace towards Jisung in the end, yet Felix’ hair smelled so fruity, and he couldn’t concentrate any longer. Jisung smiled warmly at them. He hoped Changbin and Felix would get together and that reminded him of Jin. He hoped he and Jin would grow closer too, but then a flicker of his first encounter with Minho appeared in his mind. He quickly dismissed that image. Jisung could never like Minho in that way.

…

Hyunjin is annoyed.

Hyunjin walked behind Seungmin and I.N while walking to class. Hyunjin wants to be with Seungmin. Hyunjin wants Seungmin to himself, but I.N keeps hanging around them, well… mostly just around Seungmin and it’s annoying Hyunjin. Yes. Hyunjin is jealous of I.N. Yes, Hyunjin shouldn’t read too much into it, but Hyunjin can’t help think that I.N might be trying to steal Seungmin away.

“Hey Seungmin. I got you the best present. I already know it.” I.N laughed airily.

“Really?! Presents are great, but as long as all the guys are at the party with me. I’m happy.” Seungmin responded quite nonchalantly.

Yeah right. Stop being so polite. If I said that you would tease me and say something mean. Tsk. Why doesn’t I.N go hang around Chan? Aren’t their classes near each other?

Hyunjin complained in his head. He had his arms crossed as he gave sideways grimaces and eyerolls with a scoff here and there every time they interacted.

Look at him. Talking to Seungmin with those moon crescent eyes tryna be all cute. Even I don’t try that hard. Tsk.

“Thank you.” I.N finally said indifferently, as a serious meaning was underlined his statement.

“For?” Seungmin raised an eyebrow. Hyunjin listened intently.

“You know, I’m fighting with Chan, and thank you for letting hangout with you. I appreciate it. I Just can’t forgive Chan just yet. He said something to me that really hurt me, and now I’m kind of getting in between you two.” I.N laughed awkwardly while scratching the back of his head which was very Chan like.

Hyunjin froze. It clicked.

How could I be so stupid? I.N and Chan. How could I be so selfish? How could I be so blind? I’m a horrible friend. I didn’t even think as to why I.N would be so clingy? I’m really that pathetic that I still can’t see my own friends going through they own problems.  

Hyunjin felt a tear fall. He wasn’t sobbing… just yet, but tears were falling. Falling gracefully down his cheek leaving a faint trail. Seungmin must have felt his presence gone because after a couple of steps forward he turned around.

“Hyunjin?” Seungmin walked towards him with a frown and his brows drawn together. “Hey. Are you okay?” Hyunjin smiled sadly at him. Hyunjin wanted to just say it. Hyunjin wanted to say he loved Seungmin, but an invisible force begged him not too. I.N caught up and put a hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder.

“Jinnie? Are you not feeling well?” Hyunjin couldn’t take it. His heart swelled with guilt.

“I’m sorry.” Is all Hyunjin could mumble.

“What are you sorry for?” Seungmin seemed so serious when asking like he was ready for something he had been waiting to hear from Hyunjin. I.N seemed confused his features morphing with every possible scenario that he could portray in his mind.

“Innie. You and Chan. It must be so difficult for you. I didn’t even consider that you were going through things, as I was annoyed with you for hanging around Seungmin and I got jealous. I’m so sorry.” Hyunjin’s breath hitched as he breathed in, his voice airy and moist. “I feel so guilty for being annoyed when you just needed your friends.” I.N was so surprised. He felt bad for Hyunjin, but at the same time happy. Hyunjin poured out how he felt and I.N respected his Hyung for telling the truth.

“There is no need to feel sorry Hyung. I would feel the exact same as you. If you were hanging around Chan I would feel jealous too.” Hyunjin looked at I.N and started to sob.

Why is it that I’ve been crying so much lately?

The three hugged each other in the middle of the empty school hallway all late for class, but they didn’t care they needed each other’s embrace in that moment. Maybe Seungmin had a quick existential crisis about being late but they definitely needed a moment. No matter how much Hyunjin thinks not.

…

“Jisung.” Changbin had him up against the wall, even though Changbin was short, his intimidating eyes pieced into what Jisung suspected was his soul.

“I’m sorry. Felix doesn’t have to watch Harry Potter. Just don’t punch my face.” Jisung panicked, while trying to protect his face by waving his hands around frantically. Changbin stared at him in disbelief with an eyebrow raised, then proceeded by shaking his head.

“That’s not why I wanted to talk to you.” Changbin stepped back to appear less threatening for Jisung to stop panicking.

“It isn’t?” Jisung breathed out with relief with his whole body as his hand supported his chest.

“It’s just that Felix…the whole you saying I like Lee Know thing is getting out of hand. I don’t like lying. I don’t like Lee Know.”  Jisung’s eyes widen.

Lee Know? I forgot. I lied to Felix to save Changbin. Who even is Lee Know? Anyway, I’ll meet him one day. But Changbin…I- I don’t really know how to fix this. I’ve never had friends so… do I just apologise and hope for the best?

“Sorry Changbin. You know I’ve never had friends before. I hated the fact I lied to Felix.  I’ll try fix it. I really didn’t know how I should have acted. I’ll do better.” Jisung forced a smile to please Changbin, but it only made the other cross his arms and shift his weight on his right leg.

Oh god. Is this it? Is he going to tell me not to hang around the group anymore? I’ve ruined everything just by using my big mouth. All my friends gone. I’ve broken his trust.

“I’m not angry at you. Just I feel like you aren’t telling me everything. Like you are silently judging me, and I think Chan, Seungmin, Minho and especially Hyunjin feel that.” Jisung’s mouth formed an o. Jisung was silently judging Hyunjin, but the kind of healthy judging way to better themselves. Push each other. Everyone judges Hyunjin in a fun way of course, but Jisung never meant to hurt anyone. He really isn’t good at this friend thing. “You remind me of Chan sometimes. He isn’t good at communicating how he’s feeling either.” Changbin’s face fell into a serious frown.

“No- It’s not that I’m not good at communicating my feelings…it’s just…I don’t know. Myself. I’m a failure. I can’t even make friends properly. You guys will just kick me out later anyway.” A shaky excerpt of breath made it clear to Changbin that Jisung was different. Changbin wanted to reassure his scared friend.

“Jisung…no we are not kicking you out. No matter what. Even if you killed someone.” Changbin tried to laugh at the end to lighten the mood.

Jisung face goes pale. Eyes wide in panic. Anxiety overriding his body and mind as it vastly started exhausting himself. His mind blank. Thoughts only to one moment in time. A time Jisung preferred not to remember. A time Jisung was betrayed and a time he did the unthinkable.

“Jisung are you okay?”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Calm down Jisung. It wasn’t your fault. Calm.

“Ye-yeah. Just started feeling be bit light-headed. I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” Jisung ran. He ran so fast he thought he was going to trip over himself. Jisung could feel the clamminess of his hands and the sweat under his uniform, but those feelings were overdriven by the extreme about of blood rushing to his head. He couldn’t breathe. He slammed against one of the bathroom stall doors. Desperately trying to open it. It was a struggle to concentrate.

“Just fucking open. Please. Please!”

His hand slipped from the handle. Giving up. Instead, he lost strength in his legs and slid down the door into a muffled sob.

“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t-“ His breathe hitched with a hard sallow of salvia. Jisung coughed with his sobs, tasting the guilt salted tears that drowned his cheeks.

I didn’t kill him…

“Jisung?”

Jisung snapped his head up to be faced with someone he really didn’t want to face right now. Not while having a panic attack. Jisung only cried harder into his knees.

“Shh. Shh. Jisung, it’s okay. It’s just me.” Jin patted his back. “Shh. Tell me what’s wrong. I promise I’m a great listener.”

Jisung knew he couldn’t tell Jin. He knew he couldn’t tell anyone, but his breathing started to become regular again.

“I’m a great waiter too. I’m patient, but please tell me what’s wrong. I need to know you are okay.”

Jisung was too scared to speak. Afraid his voice would falter and break. He tried to speak anyway.

“I’m fine.” His voice was a higher octave than usual.

“No. No you’re not. Now, tell me everything. Please.” Jisung liked Jin, but Jisung didn’t really want to tell him everything and he seemed to be pushy. Jisung wanted to run again. He wanted to be alone. He would calm down after. “You don’t have to tell me. Just I can stay here with you until you are ready to go back to class. We can sit here in silence if you want.” Jisung nodded his head.  

…

Changbin tried running after Jisung, but he lost him and ran into one of Sujin’s ‘friends. It had to be the one who got suspended as well.

“Well…well…well. If it isn’t Seo Changbin. I gotta say the other day, I didn’t realise how easy it would be to knock you down. You’re just lucky that people were there holding me back or I wouldn’t have stopped with just one punch.” Sujin’s friend nonchalantly crossed his arms.

Walk away Changbin. Just fucking walk away.

“You would be wise to just walk away.” Changbin’s head snapped to his right to find the owner of the voice. Chan.

Chan had his arms folded to mirror Sujin’s friend. Changbin sighed in relief.

“Two against one isn’t very fair.” Sujin’s friend smirked, while getting his arms fall by his side.

Changbin wanted to say, ‘how about 9 against 1 like the other week’, but he held his tongue. Chan stepped towards the guy. “I suggest you leave and try avoid us or else.”

“tsk. Or else what?”

Chan grabbed the guy by the throat with one hand, almost causing the other to stumble.

“Or else. I will personally make sure it looked like an accident.” Chan felt the gulp. He felt the sweat drip from the others chin on his hand. Chan could see his neck turn pale as well as the rest of his face. “Are we clear?” Chan held eye contact staring lifelessly into his eyes.

“y-yes” Sujin’s friend tried to choke out. Chan threw him backwards making the other land on his butt.

“Go. Go tell your little leader about today. Go on.” Chan shooed him away with the hand gesture.

Sujin’s friend fumbled his way on his feet and fled down the hallway.

 Changbin finally broke the tension.

“Thank you. I almost lost my cool for a second.” Chan turned to him with a small and lazy smile. “I need to speak with you too.” Chan hummed in response, as his smile transformed into a frown.

“about?”

“well…I think Jisung isn’t fitting in as easily as we thought.” Chan’s frown deepened.

“I see. How so?” Chan put his hand on Changbin’s shoulder.

“I think…He has trouble in trusting us.”

“I’m sure it will be fine. As long as we are there for him it will be fine. Besides look at the progress with Lee Know.”

“Chan…What I’m saying is he isn’t Lee Know. He is different. Something is there. A barrier of some sorts that he will have to overcome. I feel it. Something is coming. I just have a gut feeling.” A shiver was sent up Changbin’s spine. Chan released his hand from Changbin’s shoulder.

“We will be there for him. Okay.”

All Changbin could do in nod in response.

…

I.N knew something was wrong as soon as his eyes first landed on Jisung while he was exiting the front gate. His eyes held some depth and tiredness to which I.N has witnessed reflect from many of his friends faces. Something isn’t sitting right with I.N. He feels like everyone is hiding some big secret from him. Conspiring about something without him, maybe? From Hyunjin and Seungmin fighting, Changbin getting into the fight with that group in the cafeteria, Chan and himself arguing, the whole Lee Know scenario and now something definitely seemed wrong with Jisung. I.N’s hand gravitated towards his necklace, gently caressing it for comfort.

Jisung was dragging his feet which didn’t seem healthy for his shoes and I.N knowing Jisung loves his shoes was yet another detail wrong with Jisung today. I.N just wants to cheer him up, but he, himself wishes for some cheering up as well. He only hopes that each other’s company with prove best for both of them.

“Jisung. Over here.” He waved Jisung down and it seemed as if Jisung’s face morphed from morbid to his somewhat original self. After a few seconds, a stumbling Jisung managed to throw himself into I.N, causing the younger to brace for impact a split second before.

“Aish. Hyung! Watch your step. We could’ve ended on the ground.”

“But we didn’t”

Aish this little-

 I.N was holding his own hand in a shaky fist but a giggled escaped Jisung lips which seemed real enough for I.N to join in the giggle fit with the addition of an eye-roll. “So, are we gonna get food? I’m starving. I also have a great place I want to look at. Felix and I went there the other day.” I.N hopes everything will be fine.

I guess the saying ‘fake it, till you make it’ applies in this sense. If I can be happy enough for Jisung he can do the same which in turn will make us both happy. Right?

…

“Should I try this shirt on?” Jisung asked I.N as he held up a soft-looking red fabric.

“I mean. If you really want too.” I.N shrugged. Jisung smiled at the shirt, which was plain, but felt like a dream.

“Okay. Come on. Let’s pick out something for you too.” Jisung cheered.

As long as I keep myself distracted I will be fine. Innie really needs me. I don’t deserve to feel this upset when my friend needs cheering up.

“How about this one?” Jisung held up a mustard yellow buttoned up shirt. I.N winced.

“That actually damages my eye-sight.” I.N cringed. Jisung just giggled. “I was thinking of actually trying on something for Seungmin’s birthday.”

“Omg! Innie you are a genius. Matching pyjamas.”

“no.”

“Why not?” Jisung whined as I.N deadpanned as his request.

“How about this?” I.N held up a long sleeved white and blue striped sweater. Jisung grinned and next thing was pulling I.N to the dressing room. “Wait, Hyung! Shouldn’t we be in separated dressing rooms?” I.N awkwardly shuffled his feet and glanced down to the floor. Jisung grin grew wider.

“Where’s the fun in that? Come on it’s fine we are brothers now.” Jisung closed the room’s curtain and placed his shirt on the rack. Jisung has always wanted to go clothes shopping with friends. He went with Felix just before the first sleepover, but he and Felix more so looked at shoes and hats and the occasional jacket. Jisung finally got to have this kind of experience. He took his shirt off. A little embarrassed he wasn’t as toned as he would like, but complied, nevertheless. I.N raised his hands to his face in order to cover his version from a shirtless Jisung. “Come on. Don’t make me do this on my own.” Jisung pouted trying to uncover I.N’s face. Red was all that Jisung witnessed from I.N’s expression.

“I just don’t feel that comfortable…” I.N blinked repeatedly and averting his gaze to anything else other than Jisung bare chest. Jisung started putting on the store’s shirt. I.N breathed out of relief, while Jisung just kept pouting and huffing at him.

“Are you that repulsed by me Innie?” Jisung slumped his shoulders and glanced down sadly. I.N panicked. He didn’t mean to hurt his friend’s feelings.

“That’s not- I- Okay. I’ll try clothes on with you.” I.N sighed in relief once Jisung perked his mood again. I.N started to take his school uniform jacket off and then felt a hand touch his stomach. I.N jumped back in surprise.

“Wow! Innie you’re jacked! How much do you work-out?” Jisung looked at I.N with awe. I.N didn’t know what to do or what to say.

“Umm…I work-out a little bit.”

“Liar. I work-out a little bit. You though…Omg!! My baby bread isn’t a baby.” Jisung started to fake cry whilst latching onto I.N’s arm and dangle like a moneky.

“Get off me or I won’t try the sweater on.” I.N flared his nostrils in annoyance and embarrassment. Jisung giggled then got up, as he got distracted at looking at himself in the mirror.

“Looking good Jisung.” Jisung said to himself, and he used his fingers as guns to shoot the mirror. I.N just rolled his eyes as he finished changing. “We look so cute.” Jisung looked I.N up and down. “Chan would not resist you.” Even though I.N was still angry at Chan he still liked him, and that commented Jisung made created a giddy feeling to bounce around his insides. A wide grin appeared on his face with his dimples showing at the thought of Chan seeing him in the sweater.

“Shut up. He would not.” I.N shrieked while he playfully slapped Jisung’s shoulder, and then they collapsed in a fit of giggles.

…

“Jisung do you really think Chan would like the sweater I got?” I.N asked just before shoving a large amount of hot noodles into his mouth.

“Innie. Of course, he will love it. I know he will because it’s gonna be on you.” Jisung said as he was about to put a fish cake into his mouth.

“I- that’s the thing. I know he will never like me the same way I like him. Yuna is still his girlfriend as well and…I don’t know…I do know he doesn’t really love her in that way though.” I.N subconsciously touched his necklace. Jisung let his chopsticks fall with his hand, as he frowned at what I.N was saying.

“Well, If I were Chan I would so go for you. I think you will be waiting for a long time Innie for him to return those feelings, but I’m sure he will. Love is all but rushed. You gotta wait.” Jisung tried to laugh in hopes of making I.N feel better, but his efforts were in vein, as I.N didn’t seem lest bit happier than before.

“Jisung. Can you come to my check-up on Sunday? It’s after Seungmin’s birthday.”

He changed the subject.

Jisung looked down for a second to contemplate before looking up at I.N with a huge smile. “Sure. I can do that.”

“Thank you.”

“Oh! On a happier note. Innie guess what?” before Jisung actually gave I.N time to respond he answered himself. “I have a crush.”

…

Minho fell back ungracefully onto his bed while holding a polaroid photo. He held it above his head, as a sigh escaped his lips.

Han Jisung…He seems happy here, but still a little forced. Cute though, his cheeks are so chubby.

Minho giggled a little and kicked his feet.

Wait- did I say cute? I mean friends can call each other cute. yeah right. It’s not like I have a crush on him.

Minho stared at the photo memorising all Han’s features. His eyes widened in realisation.

Omg! I- I can’t. I don’t. Do I? No. I don’t have weird feelings for him. I can’t…not after what happened…I can’t ever like someone in that way again. I can’t afford to. Besides he has feelings for that Jin guy. So, it doesn’t matter if I do like him or not.

Minho tsked as he rolled onto his stomach and threw the photo beside him.

I haven’t even met this Jin guy, but I don’t like him already. Jisung can do better than him. Jisung should do better than him. I mean what does this guy have that I don’t? That doesn’t matter anyway.

Minho groaned in frustration as he grabbed the photo of Han again. He stared at Han’s photo again. His eyes were closed and his smiled forced with his gums showing, his skin was flawless since it looked so smooth and really when Minho had touched it that day it was soft. So soft in fact that it reminded Minho of a cat’s paw pad. Minho once again smiled without meaning too. Which he doesn’t do often, but now that Jisung is here he does smile more without effort.

Can I really trust you? I don’t want to trust you, dork, but my mind and body are controlled by these invisible strings that you keep attaching. You pull me in so many emotional directions. I can’t stand being around you, but I feel that right now I can’t stand not being around you. I want to hear your laugh. I want to hear you whine. I want to hear you talk about your favourite songs and shows. It’s frustrating. Han Jisung. Who are you? Do I trust you? My mind and body do, but I’m conflicted. Do I trust you fully? Do I tell you my real name? My preferred name? Can I trust you with it? My mind and body scream at me that I can.

Minho got up from his bed and took his shirt off.

Why is it so hot? Isn’t winter almost here?

Minho put the photo on his desk. He lazily walked to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror, simultaneously turning the tap on.

Can I truly tell him my preferred name? I just know I can trust him. I can feel it. I hate that I can, but at the same time I love that I can have someone to completely trust other than Chan. Chan…Hyunjin…One day I will trust him too. I know I can. With everyone in the group. Slowly I can work towards them. One day I will tell them all about what happened. I just hope Chan doesn’t keep the incident about Seungmin hidden from us any longer. Am I selfish?

Minho allowed the water to fall through his fingers before collecting it the wash against his face. The water dripped from his chin. He rested his hands against the ledge of the sink to support himself as he hunched over the sink.

How can I really trust anyone after what he did? After what they did? I’m not selfish. I don’t want to be selfish.

Minho knew it wasn’t the water from the tap falling anymore. The salty taste destroyed his train of thought, and he started walking back to his room. To his bed. His body stopped him in front of his desk. He glanced down at the polaroid photo.

I don’t want to be selfish. I want to put all my trust into him. Han Jisung. I want to trust you. I do trust you.

…

The group were sat at there regular table in the cafeteria. Changbin had seen Chan was the only one without food. Again. Yesterday he was without food too. Changbin stared at Chan and noticed that his complexion seemed paler than normal.

“He hasn’t eaten all week.” Changbin heard a whisper from his left to find I.N.

Really all week? I wonder why?

“Oh! Innie are you free Sunday? I was hoping to watch something at my place. If you wanna come?”

“No. Thanks.” I.N said almost passive aggressively.

“Oh…Okay…next time.” Chan tried to laugh through the pain of rejection. Changbin overheard the conversation (If you can call it that), as he shook his head in mild frustration.

These two. I swear.

…

“So…Seungmin’s birthday. Where are we having it?” Jisung asks curiously while tilting his head and looking around at everyone.

“We can have it at mine. I’m sure Seungmin doesn’t mind.” Hyunjin stated.

“Yah. We live at the same place of course I mind but seeing as it’s my birthday I should burden my household and be the host.” Seungmin confirmed. Hyunjin was basically jumping in joy from the liberty of hosting the birthday party.

I’m gonna make this the best birthday party Seungmin has ever had. I swear. I’ll do it for him.  

“Oh! Yeah Hyunjin. This is great if it’s at our place then we can get a little extra study done together.” Seungmin smiled at Hyunjin.

Hyunjin's face went red with the idea of studying with Seungmin.

Like a study date?

Hyunjin couldn’t help the internal fluttering within his body and mind.

 “No. I can’t. I have other errands to run.”

“What errands do you have? Another party?” Seungmin eye-rolled, until he realised what he actually said. Everything then stopped.

Party…of course. That comment hurt a little, but I understand it’s such a me thing to do.

Hyunjin barely laughed as an awkward silence passed with a deafening and dense tension. Which was broken by Chan coughing.

“Anyway, we all will arrive around 7:30pm.” Chan clapped his hands to make the decision final. “Make sure you all study well before and after the party. Finals are next week. Good luck everyone.”

Hyunjin sighed.

Finals. I hope I do well…wow…I actually care right now. Hmph. For Seungmin. That’s what I care about.

A small smile appeared on Hyunjin’s lips which went unnoticed by Seungmin. Hyunjin tried to think about his English phrases he’d been studying with Jisung but it’s difficult for him to remember since a lot of words were the same word except different meaning, yet he was distracted by Chan who was muttering something about too many birthday’s being in September.

…

It’s finally home time.

Hyunjin sighed in relief. Seungmin and himself were walking down the school’s main hallway.

“That’s him isn’t it?”

“Yeah. The one that’s a rapist.”

A few nasty comments made there way to Seungmin and Hyunjin’s ears as they walked.

“What the hell did you just say?” Seungmin asked a girl that was with her friend at their lockers. The girl seemed flustered.

“I-I umm.”

“You what?! Hmmm. Only say something that you assume is true? By whom? Hmm? Maybe find the truth of a story before assuming and pointing fingers. What if he didn’t come to school the next day because he killed himself? Would you feel guilty? If so then shut the fuck up.” Seungmin yelled at this girl a solid minute. The girl on the verge of crying, and everyone giving him terrified stares. “Come on Hyunjin. Let’s get out of this hellhole.” Seungmin grabbed Hyunjin’s wrist and pulled him out.

“You know you don’t have too. I’m fine.” Hyunjin assured him. I never expected Seungmin to do something like yell at a student that harshly. He was school captain after all, and the use of crude words. Shocking.

“You might be fine with it, but I certainly am not. I will not let anyone get away with calling you something you aren’t.” Hyunjin heard Seungmin mutter something about the word used ‘rapist’ as they continued walking through the school gates.

“Thank you” Hyunjin whispered barely audible, but he didn’t need Seungmin to hear it. He knew Seungmin knew he was grateful. Hyunjin’s cheeks flushed red as the he thought about the time he and Seungmin joked about himself being a knight in shining amour on a white stallion to take him and ride into the sunset and live a happily after. This was while being at the hospital, but Hyunjin thinks that really Seungmin is the knight, but the smile that was plastered on Hyunjin’s face fell into a grim frown.

This is exactly why I love you. You are always like this, but I’m not worth it Seungmin. I’m just a monster.

…

Hyunjin was painting. Seungmin’s painting was definitely not going to be finished in time for his birthday. Hyunjin forced a sharp annoyed breathe from his nose. Hyunjin glanced at the painting of someone drowning. He knew he should throw it away. It was too much for himself to even looked at without feeling torn from his insides. He hated the feeling of anxiety and fear running within his veins. Hyunjin stood up and walked over to it. He had a thought of just throwing it out and being rid of it, but then he realised something. It wasn’t painting. It was himself. No matter whether the painting was there or not he would feel it. The sensation of jumping off the balcony into the freezing cold pool. The same feelings engulfing his mind and body of that night. How pathetic he was for leaving Seungmin. Hyunjin’s throat closed he felt as if he was back in the water. It was numbingly painful. The cold sweeping into his bones making them ache.

He rushed to the bathroom. He was gasping. He reflection in the mirror looked sickly pale and weary. He hated his face. He hated his desperation for air. He hated feeling as if he was asleep and couldn’t wake up from this nightmare of trying to breach the surface of the water. He got into the shower. It was cold just like that night, but…

Tonight, was different.

Hyunjin could feel it. Tonight, he wasn’t breaking surface in his vision. He couldn’t claw his way up. Instead, he felt someone grab him from below and when he looked down all he could see was the man’s face. Jay’s face greedily grabbing his ankle. Hungry for it. Hyunjin couldn’t take in any air, he coughed aggressively. Then everything stopped when he tasted an acidic battery like substance on his tongue and a metallic smell invade his nose. Hyunjin looked down a razor that was cutting into his wrist. He felt like he came back to reality and not stuck in the hellish nightmare. It hurt, but he knew he deserved to hurt.

I’m still just a monster. Like that girl said – I’m a rapist.

…

I.N noticed Chan doesn’t have lunch once again today, and then he also notices Changbin glaring at Chan.

“That’s it” Changbin shot up from his chair, making everyone stunned from his outburst. Changbin walked away.

“Geez. What’s his problem?” He heard Hyunjin say.

“Don’t know maybe his food tasted bad?” Seungmin answered.

After minute Changbin came back. He suddenly slammed a metal tray against the table in front of Chan.

“Here. Eat. I hear that you haven’t been eating all week.”

“Binnie…I’m fine. Don’t wor-“

“I don’t want to hear about your ‘don’t worry’ and ‘I’m fine’ crap. Eat.”

I.N was so shocked by Changbin’s forwardness. His mouth was agape, but a moment later Chan finally starting eating which caused I.N to have the corners of his lips raise.

Thank you Changbin.

…

Han was writing a math formula into his book not really thinking about it, instead he was too concerned with what Changbin talked about the other day. Sure, he had been thinking about it and really wants to know if what Changbin said was true. If he actually had killed someone would they still want to be friends?

Han's hand moved quickly as he was copying down last bit of the formula except his hand slipped and he made a mistake. He froze.

Oops. Mistake. I made a mistake. Like that day…

Han was letting his thoughts wonder.

And no matter what. Once the group finds out they will never trust me.

“Psst. Hannie.” Minho placed a simple white rectangular eraser on the corner of Han’s desk. Han couldn’t. Han blinked and blinked and blinked some more. Minho called him ‘Hannie!’ a nickname. A freaking nickname.

“Thank you.” Han whispered. Han used it. His movements very robotically. Once he finished using it placed back on Minho’s desk. Han looked at his paper it suddenly felt extremely hot. Oh my god am I sweating over a nickname? I mean it’s just Minho so, it shouldn’t be that important right? Han tried glancing over at Minho, but noticed he was staring unfazed at him, which only made himself redirected his gaze straight back to the paper in front of him. Han was thinking if he should call Minho by a nickname. Leemin? No. Minnie? No that’s Seungmin’s nickname. Hmm? He decided he would figure that out later. Maybe even ask Minho what he would prefer.

…

“Han. I need to talk to you.”

“about?” Jisung gave a sideways glance. Looking a little annoyed by the fact Minho dragged him up to the roof.

“Han, do you know about Seungmin?”

“What do you mean? How him and Hyunjin have made-up?” Minho’s eyes soften as if he was looking at an ignorant chubby- cheeked dork – wait, not as if. He is looking at an ignorant chubby-cheeked dork, and for a moment Minho’s face deadpans at his realisation, but then proceeded to change into a more conflicting emotion.

“Han. That night Seungmin went to the party he didn’t get the chance to speak to Hyunjin and Hyunjin didn’t get to speak to him. Seungmin…was raped at that party Jisung.”

“huh?” Did Jisung hear that correctly? Han laughed. “You’re joking. Very funny. Minho. I didn’t know you had a sense of humour. Dark but…some real talent there.” Jisung looked at him for confirmation in that what he was saying was all a joke but found nothing except Minho stone-cold statue with a mixture of sadness and guilt behind his eyes.

“I’m sorry..” Is all Minho could say. Jisung swallowed hard.

He isn’t joking. That’s why Minnie has been so down, and I didn’t –

Han raised his hand to his mouth he held bile raise. “No…” was all Han managed to whisper.

“I have practice. You do what you want with the information. Whether you tell the rest of the group, that’s up to you.” Minho left him alone on the roof.

The rest of the group? Does no one else know? Seungmin…he- we didn’t even know.

Tears threatened to fall from Han’s eyes. He watched Minho’s back as he walked away with his eyebrows creased together.

…

Jisung should go and write music, because he promised Chan and Changbin new lyrics for an upcoming song. Jisung, instead thought long and hard about what Minho had told him, and he couldn’t put his heart into the genre of music that they were writing. The song was so happy and bouncy and Jisung would have just gone blank.

“Han Ji! How are you?” Jin waved Jisung down. Once Jisung laid his eyes of Jin a faint blush creep onto his face.

“Oh…hiya Jin. I’m okay” Jisung lied.

“I feel like every time I see you. You seem down or you’re having a mental breakdown. Want me to distract you?” Jin smirked. Jisung didn’t want a distraction, but Jisung’s thoughts wondered to Jin’s smirk and how it would look if he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Jisung felt like his head was going to explode.

Don’t think dirty Han Jisung. What’s wrong with you? What the hell? Don’t think about him. Think about…cats, yes. Animals. Minho favourite animal are cats. Minho has really feline features. How would Minho look without a shirt on?

Jisung paused. His eyes widened.

NO! why would I think of him without a shirt on? Am I going insane?

“Han Ji are you okay?” Jin raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yep. Haha. Just great. Let’s grab something to eat.” Jisung quickly invited Jin. Jin blinked at him several times before nodding with a smile. Jisung started walking and Jin trailed a little behind him. Little did Jisung know Jin was terrified. Jin looked beyond every corner, beyond every table and beyond every chair in hopes of not spotting any of his friends. Little did Jisung know that Jin hated his friends.

They sat down.  

“Do you like seafood?” Jisung asked hoping the other loved seafood as much as he did. Jin seemed to be analysing Jisung face before answering but Jisung dismissed it.

“Yeah…I love it.” Jin leaned back with a satisfised smirk. Jisung basically jumped for joy.

“Really that’s great. Felix loves seafood too, but he usually goes for steak or chicken more.” Jisung stated. Jin raised his brow and fascination.

“Wait?! Really?! How could you pass up seafood?” Jin laughed.

“I know right. Felix is pretty though. Even if he seems fragile, but I think that he can be really strong. I’m so jealous of his deep voice. Expect I often feel sad for him.” Jisung rumbled on.

“Why is that?” Jin knitted his eyebrows together.

“Well, he lives alone. In a tiny apartment. In contrast to that Changbin has a crush on him while he is so rich and lives in a 5-star apartment.” Jisung giggled while closing his eyes. Missing the way Jin flared his nose in disgust but also in contrast will an amused grin.

“That’s so funny. They are like the opposite. Who else in your group are opposites?” Jin asked leaning forward a bit.

“Oh! Well. There is me and Minho.” Jisung started and a flare of recognition danced across Jin’s face. Jisung oblivious to it. “He seemed really stone-faced and cold-hearted, and I thought he was the complete opposite, but the more I get to know him I see that we aren’t so different after all. I think he pretends to not feel anything, but I believe he feels the most emotion.” Jisung wanted to keep speaking about Minho. How he liked the fact Minho gets a mischievous glint in his eye while teasing someone like Hyunjin or when he’s frustrated he goes to the dance studio to release some tension, as Jin seemed interested in him too. Jin seemed to really be good at listening. Jisung liked joking with Minho too especially in math class. Han’s thought then found they way to the roof, and then to Seungmin.

“Can we talk about something else now?” Han frowned.

“Okay. How about fears?” Jin’s eyes a scary glint, but Han assumed it was because of the topic they were gonna start talking about which was fears. Of course, it’s supposed to be scary.

“Okay! Hehe. I’m scared of small clusters of holes and heights. How about you?” Han felt a shiver run down his spine.

“I’m scared of drowning.” Jin deadpanned.

Jisung was about to say something but then paused. He knows that Jin didn’t know what happened, but Han suddenly wanted to talk about something different.

“But, not just drowning. I’m scared of the fact someone could have helped me but just watched as I was being suffocated. Watched as my lungs burned from the inside. Watched as all life escaped my body. Watched as-“

Jisung stood up with a force he didn’t know he could have for his body size.

“I’m not really comfortable talking about this. I think I gotta go. I’ll catch up later. See you Jin.”

“Oh! See you Han ji.”

Jisung couldn’t breathe. He knows that Jin doesn’t know but, why does it feel like he was enjoying speaking about his fear. The smirk on his face appeared to be bathing in Jisung’s silent suffering.

…

Jisung walked away. He walked away from him. Jisung could hear his struggles, as he fought for air. The sound carried throughout his whole body. The cries for help. Jisung heard everything.

…

“Help I- I can’t s-swim.” Jisung begged, as he tried keeping his body afloat, but water started engulfing the oxygen and infiltrating his lungs. His throat tried closing up only to make him cough violently and take in more water. He could make out a figure watching him from the shore.

Why aren’t they helping me? Please…help me.

Jisung couldn’t breathe, and darkness was forming in the corner of his vision, as he watched the figure leave.

Am I going to die? Am I going to drown? Mick…please, I’m sorry.

…

Jisung’s shot up from his bed. He gasped for air. His heart felt like it was trying to thrust its way out of his chest. He clutched his hand over it. Tears were already falling from his eyes, and he paced around his room not knowing what to do. He hasn’t had a nightmare since the accident.

His mum busted through the door.

“Darling, What’s wrong? Are you okay? I heard screaming.” His mum went to embrace him, and Jisung only tried harder as his caved into her tender warmth.

“Eomma, I didn’t do it. I didn’t.” He wailed, as his snot dribbled onto his mother’s night grown.

“shh. I know. I know you didn’t sweet-heart.” His mother patted his back and rocked him back and forth gently.

…

Everyone sat in the living room of Hyunjin and Seungmin’s apartment dorm. Chatting happily about songs and dancing. Also, the new little café that open up the other day and how overpriced it was.

Hyunjin didn’t know what to get Seungmin for his birthday, therefore in the end Hyunjin brought a little skincare set which wasn’t expensive or from the heart. I should know Seungmin better than this. He hadn’t finished his project. He hasn’t passed all his subjects yet. He wanted to impress Seungmin. He wanted to make Seungmin proud to be his friend.

I’m such a failure.

…

“Whose excited about exams next week?” Seungmin started to converse.

“Nope. Don’t even mention finals. I want nothing to do with studying for the next 24 hours.” Hyunjin complained quite dramatically. “If I have to write another English sentence about how I spend my school holidays I will literally die.” The room fluttered with laughter from Hyunjin’s statement.

“Seungmin? Would you like your gifts now?” Felix asked shyly. Seungmin still felt guilt from hurting Felix last week, but he knows Felix has forgiven him. Seungmin nodded nonchalantly and held a warm smile. Felix beamed and jumped from the spot he was sitting at and walked towards the fridge. Coming back, he handed Seungmin a little white box. “Hyunjinnie said this was your favourite sweet, therefore I made it.” Seungmin opened it to find a green tea bon delicieux.

“Thanks Felix. I’ll use it well.” Seungmin giggled in response Felix brightened even more. Suddenly bickering was heard from the other side of the room.

“I’m telling you it’s meant to look like that.” Han protested.

“It’s looks like an ugly goat.” Hyunjin argued a little too loudly while he looked within a small black box. They both realised everyone was listening with rather unsurprised glances. Seungmin couldn’t have guessed it was these two that were making all the noise. Han snatched the little box back and presented it to Seungmin. Seungmin glanced down at what seemed to be a guitar pick with a golden retriever printed on it. I.N glanced over Seungmin’s shoulder to see what the commotion was about beforehand. Seungmin smiled proudly down at it with a little glint of amusement in his eyes, but Jisung will pretend he didn’t see that. I.N on the other hand tried to force down a laugh but using his hand to cover his mouth.

“Thanks, hyung.” Seungmin thanked. Jisung could have exploded.

“He called me hyung. Aww our sweet little puppy.”

“Can I eat one of your banana’s?” Felix announced suddenly as he pointed towards a bowl of fruit. Hyunjin nodded for a go ahead.

“Yah! I’m not little.” Seungmin pouted. Hyunjin couldn’t help but stare. The sight hypnotised him. Hyunjin had never seen Seungmin so kissable before, but he can’t give into he urges. He knew he didn’t deserve Seungmin. Felix bounced down onto the couch next to I.N with a banana in hand.  

“Okay. I’m next.” I.N basically shouted. I.N has been so excited to give Seungmin his present since it’s a common interest plus Hyunjin might be allowed to use it with permission. “Taadaa!”

“Wait- I thought that present was gonna be from Changbin.” Seungmin eyes went wide as I.N unveiled a coffee machine from under a black cloth in the corner of the room. “Thank you so much Innie. I’m definitely going to put that into good use, and I say no one is allowed to use it.” Hyunjin gasped out of shock.

“Even me?”

“Yep. Even you Hyung.” Seungmin teased Hyunjin. I.N sat back down next to Felix.

“Why!?”  Hyunjin kicked his feet like a toddler. Seungmin just rolled his eyes.

Now you’re definitely not getting to use it.

CRUNCH!

“Woah! So sudden.” I.N said in surprise. Everyone turned to see Felix munching on the banana with the peel still on.

“FELIX!” Chan screamed. “Spit it out.”

“It hasn’t been washed.” Hyunjin cried. Panicked spread through the room.

“But I saw that you can eat these like this on the internet.” Felix tried to reason.

“If the internet told you to jump from the school’s roof. Would you do it?” Minho deadpanned.

“Maybe..” Felix twiddled with his fingers.

“The answer is no Felix.” Minho rolled his eyes, then he pulled a small furry bundle ball out of his bag. “Seungmin.” He tossed it towards Seungmin.

What is this?

Seungmin held it outwards to take a better look at the fluffy ball. His eyes rolled in realisation, but from knowing it was from Minho he couldn’t help but smirk.

It’s a puppy plushie.

“Thank you Minho.” Seungmin finally showed his gratitude towards his friend for the gift.

“Yeah. Whatever.” Minho retorted.

I really cannot believe Minho got me a gift. It’s so unlike him.

Seungmin noticed a faint blush appear on Minho’s cheeks. That was enough for Seungmin. Enough to know it was genuine.

“Hey Dandy boy. Take this.” Changbin was next to offer the following present.

“Thanks shortie.” Seungmin teased while taking the wrapped gift pleasantly.

“Just so you know from this height it’s easier to target your knees. So, you better protect your kneecaps, or I’ll eat ‘em.” Changbin snorted. Everyone busted out laughing.

“Sure. Sure, but Changbin wouldn’t hurt a fly.” Felix sprang from his seat to pat Changbin’s shoulder. Changbin loved hearing Felix’ voice. So deep and soothing, yet his whole physique was contradicting. To his fluffy hair then to his delicate freckles all the way down to his kind and innocent personality. Changbin wanted Felix. Changbin needed to Felix. The obsession was torture.

“I’m hungry” Jisung announced so the attention was drawn to him. “Can we have cake now?” Minho elbowed him.

“Oi. Wait for Seungmin to finish opening his presents.” Minho stage whispered.

“Fine.” Jisung groaned.

Seungmin had received a Day6 album from Changbin and a hoodie from Chan.

…

“Now it’s time for cake.” Chan clapped his hands together.

“Yay! Felix made it right?! Felix always makes the best sweets.” Jisung said with as much enthusiasm as always.

“I sure did Hannie.” Felix shone from Jisung’s response.

Han really likes my baking. Hehe. I want to bake for him as much as I can in future.

Felix couldn’t wipe the off the lovesick grin stuck on his face. He was too infatuated with Han.

“Hey Felix, I wanted to ask. Do you want to hang out Sunday after I.N and I go to the hospital?” Jisung slightly whispered. Of course, Minho overheard. A pang of jealous struct his heart. Minho wanted to hangout with Jisung, but he would never tell him that though. Felix on the other hand was beaming with excitement as he agreed.

…

“Can we tell scary stories now?” Minho asked to distract himself from infectious thoughts that spilt jealous within his blood.

“Maybe when the kids go to bed.” Han answered with a playful grin. Minho just tsked.

“I never get to have any fun.” Minho crossed his arms.

“Aww. Poor baby. Do you need some cheering up?” Han closed distance between the two and used his fingers to press lightly against his cheeks as he did a funny swaying dance.

Oh my god. His cheeks are my weakness. No, I can’t. Minho averted his eyes.

 “1+1=cutie 2+2 yah look at me.” Han demanded.

“I’ll hit you if you do stuff like that.” Minho threatened. Han jolted up and grabbed a pillow for protection as Minho grabbed another and hit him with it. “This is a warning next time I won’t be so forgiving.” Jisung just giggled deeply at the threat.

“Are you gonna grab another slice of cake with me?” Jisung suddenly started craving cake again.

“Sure. Let’s go.”

…

“Chan. When are you going tell everyone else?” Minho’s eyes were dark as he stared at Chan from across the room, after returning with a piece of cake. Everyone was stunned into an eerie silence. The anticipated tension was thick. I.N had no idea what to make of the situation.

What did Chan need to tell us?

“What do you mean?” Chan said with an inquisitive eyebrow raise, yet his eyes betrayed him with apprehension. I.N seemed to mirror Chan’s reaction.

“What actually happened to Seungmin? I think we all deserve to know.” Minho’s sharp glare didn’t leave Chan’s face as to challenge him.

Huh? Seungmin? What happened?

“Now isn’t the time for such talk.” Chan stated as if it was meant to be the final word as he glanced at his phone, except only to have Felix speak up.

“Why? What happened to Minnie?” Felix asked innocently with big eyes as he tried to search around the room for answers. I.N wanted to obtain the answer as well.

Why wasn’t it the time to talk about Seungmin and this ‘accident’.

“Seungmin. Why don’t you tell everyone?” Minho faced Seungmin.

Minho must be really agitated right now to be targeting Seungmin directly, but I really want to know what happened.

“Stop it!” Hyunjin shouted his eyes filled to the brim with tears that seemed ready to explode at any second. “He doesn’t remember what happened. Minho stop being such an ass. Just stop it. Have some fucking patience.” Hyunjin’s eyes begged Minho. I.N was shocked at Hyunjin’s outburst towards Minho. As he flinched in surprise.

Oh no. Can’t we all get along for one get together? I.N thought. A long silence stilled the room once again.

“I was raped during Felix and Han’s birthday. After I left to find Hyunjin.” Seungmin said with a monotone. Gasps filled the air.

“Minnie you didn’t –“ Hyunjin tried to explain but was interrupted by Seungmin.

“I think everyone deserves to know the truth. This way it won’t be awkward and seem like I’m or anyone else who knows is hiding some big secret. I think everyone deserves the truth.” I.N was filled with dread.

Seungmin…had been raped. That’s why Chan didn’t want to talk about Seungmin and Hyunjin at the café. He felt this guilt of being able to prevent it from happening. We could have told Seungmin to stay…but we let him go.

“I don’t want anyone here to feel guilty or anything about the whole situation. It happened so let’s try get over it.” Seungmin held a forced smile.

“Through it.” Changbin interjected. Seungmin snapped his head to him with confused eyes. “We will help you through it not over it. It’s not something you get over Seungmin. Believe me, but we are all here for you and I agree we should not hide secrets from each other. Everyone deserves the truth.” Changbin glanced over towards Minho as he said the last line. I.N noticed. I.N has felt so lost, and everyone lately knows everything about every situation before he can gather up all the clues and find out himself. It’s frustrating. I.N noticed everything. The way Minho looked nervous and guilty under his stone expression. How Han has been forcing an awkward laugh here and there to try stay involved. How Felix looks as though he is about to throw up after being dealt with the most terrible news of Seungmin being sexually assaulted. He noticed Hyunjin is on edge and flinch’s every time someone talks as if they are about to accuse him of a crime. He also noticed Chan. How could he not notice Chan. Chan is the biggest distraction in his life. Chan’s eyes appeared darker than normal. His complexion paler also his face slimmer. I.N couldn’t understand was it his fault that Chan looked the way he did. Was it their fight? I.N wished everything could be better, yet now he feels that it’s not his friends conspiring against something but each other.

How much more can I take?

Suddenly I.N felt a wave of pain shoot through his chest and up his neck. His hand launched to his chest as he groaned in pain. His face winced form the pain.

“Innie are you okay?” I.N heard Felix ask next to him, which caught the attention of everyone else. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to move. I.N wanted relief. He hated the suffocating feeling of his condition.

“I’m fi-“ I.N stopped mid-sentence as another swell of pain coursed through his chest. His breathe quickened and he started coughing violently.

“Innie! Get him some water. I.N come. Stand up. Rise your arms over your head. Let oxygen pass through.” Chan’s soothing voice rang through I.N’s ears, therefore I.N obeyed. With some help he stood up and raise his arms. “Come on deep breathes. In for 4. Hold 4. Now out for 4.” Chan guided I.N through it. Everyone else was too concerned and nervous to say or do anything. Except for Seungmin who retrieved a glass of water.

“Innie I need you to drink this for me.” I.N lowered his arms and took the glass Seungmin held out for him. As soon as his lip contacted the edge of the glass his chest convulsed, and he vomited a white and mucus like substance. I.Ns breath finally evened out. All he could think about was how tired he suddenly became.

…

“poor Innie.” Jisung said a loud as Chan and Seungmin returned from a bedroom.

“I.N is fine. He is sleeping now.” Chan stated with a sad smile.

“Don’t worry Chan. He is in the best bed in the whole apartment. Minnie has the softest pillows and the warmest blanket.” Hyunjin tried to comfort Chan and everyone else as he finished up cleaning where I.N vomited. Seungmin walked past him and placed his hand on his shoulder as a thanks. Seungmin looked up and was then met with Minho’s gaze. Seungmin could have sworn Minho mouthed the word ‘sorry’, but he wasn’t certain.

…

“Here.” Hyunjin pushed a small box into Seungmin’s hands. Seungmin fumbled with it for a second before steading it within his grasp.

“What’s this” Seungmin questioned.

“You’re present. If you don’t like it you can throw it away. It’s actually more of a substitute just until your real present is finished.” Hyunjin quickly rambled on. Seungmin blinked repeatedly to try understand the information that was passed to him. He nodded before looking down at the flowerily box.

“Thank you.” Was all Seungmin said before opening it to reveal a small skin facial care set. He smiled down at it.

What a dork. It’s cute that he wanted to actually give me something today even if he haven’t conveyed it like that. I knew what he meant to say.

“You hate it don’t you? I knew it.” Hyunjin stage shouted in hopes to not wake anyone up. Hyunjin glanced over Seungmin’s shoulder to check the couch, and no one tossed or turned so it should be safe.

“Idiot. If I hated it I would have told you already.” Seungmin huffed. “I’m actually quite grateful you gave me something, but I’m even more grateful you’re here with me on my birthday.” Seungmin looked into Hyunjin’s eyes with genuinity. Seungmin really was glad to spend his day with the one he loves. They both stared at each other for a little longer than they normally would in a moment they shared. They both started leaning forward slightly. Hyunjin glanced down at Seungmin’s lips as they gravitated closer. Seungmin couldn’t think. He didn’t know what he was doing. All he knew was in this moment he wanted nothing more than to feel Hyunjin’s soft plump lips on his.

“Hey. Do you guys have any extra blankets. I’m freezing.” Changbin lazily walked towards them while scratching his stomach. Seungmin quickly straightened his posture and Hyunjin had snapped his head in the direction of the voice.

Were Hyunjin and I about to kiss? Wow…

“Yeah. In the cabinet down the hallway before the bathroom.” Seungmin pointed in direction of the elder’s request. Changbin only held his questioning gaze on the two for a solid 3 seconds before deciding to follow Seungmin’s directions.

Oh my god! I almost kissed Hyunjin. We were about to  kiss right?! Should I ask? No. dumbass. I’ll just pretend this never happened.

“goodnight Hyunjin.” Seungmin said quite robotically.

“yep. Go-goodnight.” Hyunjin faulted in the same tone.

…

“Innie. I’m telling you. He is really caring. We text so much. I’m even going to hang out with him this afternoon.” Jisung walked with a skip in his step next to I.N while walking towards the waiting room in the hospital.

“Jisung. I get it. You like him. Jin sounds cool and all, but I only asked whether or not you preferred Octopus or squid. Not How you and Jin both love seafood and how much he texts you.” I.N rolled his eyes.

Is this how Minho feels?

“Yang Jeongin?” A young male doctor called out after appearing from a hallway with a notebook in hand. Jisung and I.N looked up simultaneously and Jisung couldn’t believe his eyes.

“Sang-Chul?” Jisung screamed with recognition. I.N was confused.

Han knows my doctor. Huh?

“Jisung! What a great surprise. How are you Cuz?” Doctor Han asked.

“I’m great! Now that I know you’re taking care of little Innie here.” Jisung attempted to rub the top of I.N’s head but I.N tactically dodged him.

“Tsk. I’m taller than you.” I.N made a side remark, after starting to follow Doctor Han to his office. Once they arrived and sat down I.N was asked to move closer and face his back to the Sang-Chul. Sang-Chul started tapping I.N’s back.

“So, How has it been lately? Any hiccups?” Doctor Han asked.

“Only a few episodes.” I.N answered honestly.

“Any new symptoms?” Doctor Han raised and inquisitive eyebrow. Jisung felt a little out of place, but was thrilled that his cousin was the one looking after I.N.

“Umm…It hurts my chest while I’m laying down and, still short of breathe a lot. I have this lump on my neck too.” I.N said while glancing around the room as he was a little interested in his surrounds.

“I see. Do you feel anything right now? Like my fingers tapping your back?” Doctor Han’s eyebrows fell into concern. I.N shook his head.

He was tapping my back?

“I don’t feel a thing.”

“I see. I’m going to book another operation for Thoracentesis in November. Let me guess when you speak there is a dullness of vibrations? As in lack of vibration when talking to clarify.” Doctor Han suggested as he started typing on a computer that was behind him.

“Yeah. There is.” I.N bowed his head.

Even my singing has been…getting worse.

"You will also have to undergo more surgery with what looks likes a cyst on your neck. I can't sure if it is cancerous or not. So I'll book you for a excision, but that's if it isn't irritated or inflamed." Doctor Han continued to suggest. 

Jisung seemed terrified. “Wait didn’t you already have surgery before?”

“Yes. He did have Thoracentesis. It’s to check and discard any fluids between his lungs, but worry he is in good hands.” Sang-Chul smiled, but only for a second to be cast out but a grim frown. “Except…I am being transferred to Busan; therefore, I will not be here for your Operations or be able to have you as my client. Everything about your condition is in the system and I’m sure your new doctor will be great. Hope fully better than me.” Doctor Han tried to laugh, only for it to die into a pleading silence.

“You’re leaving?” I.N asked quietly.

“Unfortunately, yes.” I.N stared intensely at the ground with his hands in fists on his knees.

“Thank you for everything.” I.N didn’t like goodbye’s, therefore he left it at that. Before leaving.

“See you cousin and don’t worry Innie. I’m sure you’ll see him again.” Jisung tried to comfort his friend. I.N nodded.

“I guess. I will miss him being my doctor though.”

Yeah…I hope at least the next one will be nice.

…

“Hey Jin! So wanna watch a movie?” Jisung giggled as he jumped on Jin’s bed.

“Sure! What movie do you have in mind?” Jin asked.

“Hmm…guess.” Jisung teased.

“something doraemon?”

“Nope. My favourite movie. I told you. Come on~ guess.”

“An anime?”

“Closer.”

“Dragon ball?”

“ugh. No. Dummy. Howl’s moving castle. I told this to you.” Jisung whined as he threw a pillow towards Jin.

“Oh! Right! I’m so dumb. How could I forget that?” Jin giggled awkwardly. Jisung started getting comfy on Jin’s bed when his phone started to ring.

“Hello?” Jisung answered.

“Hiya Hannie! I’m here now. Do I let myself in or?” Felix was on the other end of the line. Han had totally forgot about hanging out with Felix.

Han you fucking idiot. You forgot Felix.

“About that- You see I’m actually not home at the moment.” Jisung cringed as he spoke.

“Oh. I can wait.” Felix sounded so happy and so joyful as usual, but Jisung knew he wouldn’t be home for at least 3 hours or more.

“Lix. I’m really sorry. I won’t be home for like hours. I’m kinda busy. Let’s hang out another time. Okay?” Han looked up to see Jin looking at him confused as all hell. “I gotta go now. See you Felix.” Jisung hung up and smiled innocently at Jin.

“Who was that? Your friend?” Jin furrowed his brows.

“It’s nothing. All good. Let’s watch the movie.” Jisung felt a stabbing pain through his chest as all the air from his lungs escaped in a gasp. Jisung didn’t like this feeling. What had he done?

…

Felix listened to the beeping of the call being ended.

He hung up.

Felix’ hand fell to his side. He still clasped his phone tightly.

Why does my heart hurt so much? Why do I suddenly feel so lonely? I guess I’ll go home then.

Felix thought his feet felt heavier now he was walking back to his apartment. He slumped his shoulders forward while he walked. A bin on the side of the road caught his eye. He looked down at his hand. A box. Full of freshly made brownies. Felix tried to gauge the flavour, but all he could taste was an ashy dry burn on his tongue.

Stupid fucking brownies!

Felix didn’t want the brownies. Out of a moment of sheer anger he tossed them in the bin and then slowly started walking again. Tears swelled in his eyes which made him flinch from the stinging sensation.

Why? Why didn’t he…? Doesn’t he care?…

Felix head hung low. As he shuffled his feet in defeat.

He finally arrived at his apartment door. Unlocking it with a click. All colour seemed to disappear when he entered. If was a dull grey feeling, as he fell face first onto his couch. His kitchen was mess from earlier baking. Even the walls were messy as they started to peel and fade. Everything felt claustrophobic. Felix couldn’t stand it anymore. He balled his eyes out. The cushion he was laying on was soaked in tears in no time. Felix likes Jisung. He likes him so much it hurts.  

Chapter Text

“You just left me there. You’re a murderer. You’re a killer. You’re not fit to have friends.” Jisung heard someone mumble above him. 

A tightness clung in his throat, and his jaw hurt from clenching his teeth due to the sharp pain forming in his chest. 

This is what I get. Do I really deserve to die in the same way?  

The salt stung his eyes, yet he couldn’t cry since the density of the water was too much, if only he was above the water, then, and only then could he unleash the bottling up of terror into a scream. Instead, he is now growing tired from fighting back from the raging water that threatens to tear him apart. His lungs were burning. His head throbbing. Disoriented from having no control over his body.

Then he suddenly stopped.

 Stopped his struggle to the surface. There was no use in calling for help if no one could hear him. The water proceeded to encircle him to the black depths. The edge of his vision generally darkening. The lull of sleep threatens to take him.

This can’t be the end? I haven’t- 

Jisung’s eyes busted to life as his mother shook him repeatedly crying out his name. A gasp was followed by violent heavy breathing from the boy. Jisung was alive. His face stained with tear trails which were now freshly painted over again.

Jisung clenched his mother’s gown tightly. Knuckles quickly turning white. “Eomma! I-I can’t. I don’t want to die” His mother didn’t know how much of these nightmares he could take. It’s happening too regularly. He finally managed to escape them before, and hopefully he will this time too. 

“We will go to the doctors tomorrow. I’ll book an appointment. Okay sweetie?” Jisung couldn’t answer with words, but the worry in his mother’s voice suggested that he attempt to reassure her. He nodded with a sniffle as his hold never faltered. “Do you want to take time off school again? Just was a little while?”  Jisung shook his head faintly. Jisung thought about how much a disappointed of a son he would be if he burdened his mother again by staying in his room like a shut in. Also, he had just started fitting in at school. At least he thinks he is. He doesn’t want his friends to worry. He tried evening out his breathing by the method Chan taught him. Breathe in for 4 and out for 4. 

“I- I can go.” He whispered weakly, while finally, but slowly released his shaky grip from his mother. He looked up at her with his huge doe eyes to seek comfort. His mother smiled warmly and did hold little comfort for Jisung. “I’ll be fine. I’m your son, after all.” Jisung tried to return the same smile. His mother could only cooed tenderly and embraced Jisung once again. 

“My baby boy.” 

“Okay. Okay. Just let me breathe.” Jisung tried gently pushing his mother away slightly. Her eyes seemed to fill with relief as she got up to leave him to get ready. 

“Call out to me if you need anything. Okay Jiji?” She held a serious yet caring tone only a mother could conjure, before she stepped out the door. 

Jisung sat there absentmindedly. He thought about what today would bring in terms of his friends. He wondered whether how long until they find out the truth. He wondered how long until they abandon him.

He finally got up and looked in the full body mirror he has in his room. 

Man, I look tired. 

A sigh escaped his mouth. He lethargically crossed the room and got dressed into his uniform. That he had thought (knew) would look cute on him when he first glanced at it, but now with a sudden change of heart looked down at his attire knowing he only looked like a murderer  freak. That was the term usually used for him. A weirdo. A freak. 

I wonder how long I have left before changing into a new school uniform.

He tilted his head downwards in the thought. 

I don’t want to change schools again. I’ve finally made friends. I- I can’t go back now. Changbin had said even if I’d killed someone, then I’d still be welcome. Right? 

He tried to smile at that thought only for it merely be folded into a shaky grimace. 

…

Felix watched from the other side of the table as Jisung sat down next to Minho. Felix had been left with a burning rage from within the bottom of his stomach. He glanced down at his freshly made cookies. He didn’t have the appetite, therefore he pushed them away by the slightest push. His gaze fell onto his hands which folded upwards on his lap. 

“Guys. I really want you all to met Jin. He is so cool.” Jisung vibrated with excitement, but he seemed to hold less energy than usual. 

“Your new friend?” Seungmin questioned. 

“Yeah. He is really cool. I hung out with him yesterday we watched Howl’s moving castle and talked about anime and food we both liked. It was so much fun.” Han smiled then his gaze met Felix’. Felix couldn’t explain how he felt. Before it was just pure anger, but now it’s a different type of anger. Like a bitterness. As if he had just bitten into rock hard, but also bitter cookie. He hated the fact Jisung ditched him yesterday but felt even more betrayed to learn it was to hang out with someone else. His ‘new friend’.

Felix could see the way Jisung’s face fell at the realisation of confessing his betrayal. Felix felt a string prick behind his eyes. He couldn’t believe that Jisung would do something like that. To his twin. To his best friend. And to the one that loves him. Felix stood up aggressively. 

“Felix? Are you alr-“ Before Changbin could finish his sentence. Felix picked up his cookies and threw them at Jisung. 

“You’re such a jerk!” Felix’ voice vibrated with such agony. Everyone’s conversations died to gasp to see Felix so upset. “I waited. Jisung. I waited. You invited me over. You were the one with the plan.” Felix’ breath hitched, while flaring his nostrils.

“Maybe next time take the time to consider who you call friends.” Felix fists tightened his face became so red, and all Jisung could feel was utter guilt. Felix could tell just by looking into his eyes that Jisung knew he felt guilty. “Don’t talk to me ever again” and with that Felix stormed out of the cafeteria. 

…

Changbin got up almost immediately to chase after Felix. 

“Did that really happen Jisung?” Chan asked him. Jisung folded into himself, as he felt heat swell on his face. He knew everyone was going to hate him now. 

“I-I didn’t mean too. I just forgot.” Jisung didn’t really have an excuse and he felt his insides turning around with every word, every look, every thought. Jisung had fucked up. His lips were pinched into a straight line.

“Dude- That’s brutal…poor Felix…” Hyunjin’s comment developed into a whisper. 

“I know! I was so wrong. So so very wrong.” Jisung started to shout. As kept quietly whispering apologises over and over again. “You’re all gonna kick me out of the group now aren’t you?” He whispered the next part so quietly almost no one heard it. Minho gave him a look with his eyebrow raised. Jisung felt disorientated just like in his nightmare. He is going drown. Just like Mick. Jisung felt his lungs start to burn. He couldn’t breathe. 

They will find out. They all hate me. I’m going to drown. They will think I deserve to die. Because I’m a killer, and everyone will demand justice. 

Jisung’s thoughts came to a sudden stop, as he felt a warm touch. A hand had taken his. A hand squeezed his gently. So gently that Jisung didn’t think it could have been one of the group, because they all hated him now. 

He left a tickle of breath scrape his ear. 

“Breathe, Hannie. Calm down. I’ll be right here for you.” Jisung could barely hear the words, yet he did. He squeezed Minho’s hand just as the other had. Jisung took a mouthful of air and try to calmly exhale. It took him a couple of tries until his breathing slowed. Everyone had been watching and waiting for Han to recollect himself. 

“Jisung…Felix cares about you a lot and I do too. You helped me so much already, but what you did was unbelievable. I love you, but bro you really owe Felix an apology and a half.” I.N spoke out from the other side of the table.

Jisung didn’t understand. I.N said he loved him. Jisung had never in his life ever heard those from anyone other than his mother. Heat swirled in his cheeks. 

Does that mean they don’t want me gone yet? It must be. I.N would never lie to me. I.N is like a little brother. 

“Jisung…Felix can’t stay angry forever. It isn’t in his nature, but in all seriousness even if you said you have never had friends before. Think before you act. Felix will come around eventually he likes you too much to stay mad at you.” Seungmin kinda reassured Jisung. Well…that’s what Jisung hoped he was trying to do. Suddenly SMACK! Jisung was whacked on the back on the head. He brought his hand up to rub the injury. 

Hyunjin huffed. “You deserved that. If I hadn’t done it then Changbin definitely would’ve made you feel it tomorrow. I’ll try put in a good word for you when I hang out with Felix this afternoon. You’re dumb. I know that much, and I guess I’ll be the one to clean up after you.” Hyunjin sighed. Jisung was in awe. Hyunjin seemed so different than before. He was acting nicer except for a lump growing on the back of his head, but Hyunjin was right. Jisung deserved a good hit, and Hyunjin was right. Jisung knew he definitely didn’t want a hit from Changbin, that’s for sure.

“Thank you…” Jisung whispered gratefully, but still his insides pushed and pulled. In all reality Jisung isn’t the one needing to be cheered up, but Felix was. 

…

“Felix!” Hyunjin dramatically called. 

Felix turned to see Hyunjin racing towards him, waving dramatically as usual. 

“Hey, Hyunjin.” Felix mumbled. Hyunjin then proceeds to grab Felix’ arm to form a link. Now arm in arm, Hyunjin skipped happily while Felix dragged his feet. “Hyung, I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to cheer me up, because of Jisung, but I don’t think you will-“

“Hush now. Listen. Forget him right now. Don’t even think about that jerk. He doesn’t deserve your thoughts. Let us instead hang out and have fun while trying to forget all our problems.” Felix gasped at Hyunjin’s words, as he was sure Hyunjin was going to try convince him to forgive Jisung. “Now. Now don’t be so surprised. Let’s go eat yummy food and do some shopping for clothes.” Hyunjin raised his hand in a victory position. Felix just shook his head at his dramatic friend, but a smile graced his lips. 

“Do you think this shirt makes me look fat?” Hyunjin held up a basic white shirt against his torso. 

“Darling. I will love you in anything you wear.” Felix giggled as he went along with whatever role play Hyunjin dragged him in. 

“Oh, so you do think it makes me look fat?” Hyunjin giggled then waved his hand to dismiss the role play comment and instead saw something catch his eye. 

“Hey. Felix! Come with me.” Before Felix had any time to protest Hyunjin was dragging him out of the role play and off towards the women’s clothing section. “Wouldn’t this look so cute on you?” Felix felt his cheeks warm up. 

Hyunjin…what the hell? Oh…What about that one?

Felix held up a cute short frilly dress with a smirk.

“Or wouldn’t this look cuter on you…or maybe…Seungmin?” Felix almost chocked from laughing, as he couldn’t help himself but tease Hyunjin about his crush that almost everyone knows about. It’s completely obvious. Anyone can see it. 

“Felix…” Hyunjin shied away a little, until…

“Wouldn’t that skirt look cute on our little squirrel friend? Hmm?” Hyunjin elbowed Felix. 

“WHAT!? You are being ridiculous, Hannie doesn’t suit that colour. The white and pink one looks way cuter.” Felix could feel it. Heat travelling everywhere in his body. “I-I mean. Come on let’s just go.” 

You are mad, Felix. Come on. You can’t be thinking like that when you are angry with him. 

Hyunjin and Felix walked out onto the street. Busier than usual must be the after-work rush hour. 

“Felix I think I might confess.” Hyunjin barely whispered. 

“Huh?! Really that’s great. When were you thinking?” Felix squealed with joy. 

“Maybe…once I get my grades back. To show him that I’ve passed.” Hyunjin said with more confidence and a bit of pride.

“Okay, but what if you fail?” Felix asked innocently. 

“Yah! Don’t say that. That’s all I’m relying on.” Hyunjin wined. “You know...What Han did was really shitty, but I don’t think he is a bad guy…just an idiot.”

I knew he would talk about this.

“Yeah…I know. That’s why I like him, but still…he hurt me. I’m not ready to forgive him just yet.” Felix saw Hyunjin nod in agreement, then they kept walking and Felix could feel Hyunjin’s hand comfortably take hold of his own. Felix guided them through the crowd as they neared the traffic light crossing. Once the light turned green they started crossing, Hyunjin’s hand was sweaty, but not enough for Felix to think about letting go. They safely made it to the other side, until Hyunjin suddenly stops. Felix felt Hyunjin tighten his grip and drag him slightly backwards. 

“What’s up?” Felix asked worry swimming in his eyes. Hyunjin didn’t look at him. Hyunjin only looked straight forward. Felix tried to follow Hyunjin’s gaze, but there were so many people. He couldn’t see what Hyunjin was focused on, until…

“Hi there. Hyunjin, if I remember correctly.” A man spoke, who stood in front of Felix. Felix almost let out a cry from how tight Hyunjin’s hold was. 

Who is this guy? Why is Hyunjin freaking out? 

“Wh-who are you?” Felix stutters. Hyunjin tugged on Felix’ arm and that gave enough intuitive for Felix to take a step away from this man. Felix knew if Hyunjin was acting this way then this guy wasn’t good news. 

“Hyunjin and I met the other week. I keep thinking about you, Jinnie. Can I call you that? I hope that we can take off from what we last started sometime…hmm?” Felix’ heart dropped, a shiver ran down Felix’ back and, he felt his hair stand up on the back of his neck. Felix knew as soon as this guy said that. 

This is the guy. The one from the party. The one that assaulted Seungmin. 

Wait…He said ‘take off from what we last started…’ does that mean he tried to hurt Hyunjin too. Without a doubt. This monster.

He was in front of Felix.  The man who hurt his friends. The man that could hurt them more. Felix took a deep breathe and gripped Hyunjin’s hand tighter. 

“Well if you excuse us we best be heading back.” Felix tried to walk around the guy dragging Hyunjin, but making sure he was in between them at all times. 

“Now. Now.” The guy grabbed Felix’ arm. “Maybe, you could join. Come on. My friends and I have a little get together. It will be fun.” A smirk was displayed with hungry and desperate eyes. Felix did the one thing he knew was safest. 

Felix ripped his arm form the guy’s grip and screamed. The crowd all turned his way and the guy cursed under his breathe and fled. 

“Sorry folks. False alarm just dropped my watch.” Felix yelled afterwards. Everything wasn’t as fast paced and blurred as before. Felix held his fingers up to feel his pulse. He was okay. “Jinnie. Are you okay?” Felix turned his attention on his tall friend who was anything, but okay. 

Hyunjin’s breathing was erratic and sweat formed everywhere on the boy’s body. Hyunjin was gasping between breathes and he was shaking. Felix looked around to find a less crowded spot. He lead Hyunjin to an office building which had the shade of a tree next to it, so they sat under it.  

“Hey. Jinnie look at me. I’m gonna call Channie. Okay everything will be okay?” Felix knew better than to touch Hyunjin right now. Anything could set him off more than he already was.

“Hello? Felix? What’s up?” Chan answered the call. 

“Chan! Bad news. Hyunjin saw…” Felix glanced at Hyunjin and not wanting to tigger him anymore then he was and he needed to find a good choice of words. “Hyunjin needs help. I’ll explain once we meet up, but this is an emergency.” Felix pleaded over the phone. 

“Okay. Changbin is coming to pick you up, so where are you?” 

…

Changbin pulls up in his red Porsche. Changbin saw his two friends sitting down under the shade of a tree. He put his car in park, then got out. 

“Felix! Hyunjin! I’m over here” Changbin shouts to gain their attention in which it does when the two turned their heads to him and proceeded to stand and slowly make their way over to him. “Is everything okay? Felix what happened?” Changbin frowned with worry.

“I’ll you later. First we need to get Hyunjin home. He needs to be somewhere safe and preferably with Seungmin.” Changbin nodded at Felix’ request. 

Almost arriving to Hyunjin and Seungmin’s dorm Changbin glanced in his rearview mirror to see Hyunjin laying on Felix’ shoulder, asleep and Felix staring out the window with droopy eyes and a small pout. 

“Felix. Are you okay?” Changbin asked. A affirmation hum came from Felix, but shortly followed by a sigh that Changbin only barely heard. “Are you sure? You can tell me anything.” Changbin tried to encourage the other to speak in hopes some light could be shared on the matter, yet nothing. Felix remained silent and Changbin took that as a note to shut up and wait. 

I hope you’re okay, Lix.

Changbin thought as he snuck a few glances here and there before arriving at their destination. 

…

“What do you mean you ran into the guy? You mean Jae?” Chan had his arms crossed and eyebrows knitted together, as his voice was seeped with anger. 

“Ye-yeah. Hyunjin just stopped walking and pulled me back to try keep us away, but the gu- Jae targeted us and asked us to come with him. I refused of course and got Hyunjin out of there, but Hyung…” Felix sniffled. “He was kinda scary…and I was so afraid he was going to hurt Hyunjin again.” Felix brought his hands up to catch his face and let out a heart wrenching cry. 

“Shh. Shh. It’s okay. Everyone is okay.” Chan started to say.

“No, because of that monster, Seungmin was assaulted and Hyunjin is having trouble. I keep wondering why you didn’t tell us in the first place. I’m angry with Han and worried about I.N. Chris…I can’t. I’m just so sad.” Felix wailed out his cries throwing himself into Chan’s chest. Chan could feel the variations of his crying friend hit his body. 

I’m so sorry Felix. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry that you feel this way, but I promise I will make that fucker pay. 

Chan vowed in his mind, as he looked up at Changbin who was on the verge of tears himself, but quickly gathered himself together when he noticed Chan looking his way. 

“Changbin…did you end up getting it?” Chan asked in a low and monotoned voice. Changbin looked perplexed, as if he didn’t have a clue what Chan was talking about until he remembered what Chan had asked of him. 

“Yeah. I got it, but now isn’t a good time. Maybe when it’s just us.” Changbin shifted his attention on Felix who was still shedding tears in Chan’s chest. “Felix, why don’t you get some rest, hmm?” Felix looked up from Chan, and nodded slowly. “Why don’t you go into Hyunjin’s room and keep and eye on him. He would appreciate having you, being by his side when he wakes up.” Felix slowly got up rubbing his eyes, while making his way into Hyunjin’s room. 

“So…you have access?” Chan raised his brow. 

“Yeah, but it wasn’t easy. Do you know how many strings I had to pull? Like that accountant at the front desk was a pain in my ass.” Changbin crossed his arms.

“Okay. Okay. Sorry I asked so much of you.” Chan raised his hands in a defensive manner. “When can we start?” 

“Tonight.”

…

The door was thrown open with a boy huffing as if out of breathe from running a marathon. 

“Where is he?” The boy asked his two friends. 

“Minnie! He is sleeping in his room with Felix.” Chan answered Seungmin. Seungmin didn’t need anymore information, he headed straight for Hyunjin’s room. 

He peered through the door to the sound of heavy, but calm breathing. Felix was curled up against Hyunjin’s side. Seungmin let out a long overdue sigh of relief. 

“He will be okay.” Changbin reassured Seungmin. 

“I know…just…when I heard I thought…”

“The worst?” Chan interrupted. Seungmin nodded in response, then proceeded to sit down on the couch with the other two. “We are gonna leave once Felix wakes up, now that you are here. You can look after him. Careful you know he’s a handful, very needy and dramatic.” Chan said with a hint of amusement.

“You say that as if I don’t live and breathe that attitude from him everyday.” Seungmin gave Chan a very unimpressed look. Changbin bursted out laughing. Chan had a little giggled as well from Seungmin’s answer. 

“Very true.” Chan started to stand up and stretched. “Call us if you need anything. Seriously. Anything.” 

“My god. You sound so old while trying to prep talk and reassure me” Seungmin rolled his eyes. “But yes. I will. For your satisfaction I agree to call you if I need anything.” 

“Great! I’ll go wake up Felix.” Chan walked over to where the two are sleeping. Seungmin then glanced over to Changbin. 

“Thank you.” Seungmin whispered.

“What?!” Changbin asked with a smirk. “I didn’t quite catch that.” 

“Thank you! God.” Seungmin shouted and threw his hands up. Changbin just stared at him with adoring eyes. 

“You’re welcome Minnie. Anything for our puppy.” Changbin teased. Seungmin just gave up on that conversation, as Felix came out of Hyunjin’s bedroom yawning and rubbing the sleep from his eyes with Chan by his side. 

“Let’s go!” Chan said. “See ya later Minnie.” Once everyone had walked out of the door Seungmin rushed to Hyunjin’s bedroom. 

As soon as he entered Hyunjin stirred within the bed.

“Tryna get comfy?” Seungmin whispered. 

Hyunjin whimpered in agreement. Which made Seungmin chuckle at how cute sleepy Hyunjin is. 

“Are you okay? After what happened today?” Seungmin asked genuinely. 

“No. I feel sick.” Hyunjin whispered. 

“Do you want me to stay here with you?” Without any warning Hyunjin pulled on Seungmin’s arm and dragged him down into the comfort of the soft mattress. 

“Please.” Hyunjin whispered weakly. Seungmin could hear the beating of Hyunjin heart. Steady. Which reassured Seungmin, that Hyunjin was fine. For now at least. 

…

Seungmin woke up. It was still dark out, but Hyunjin wasn’t in the bed. 

Seungmin got up in a panic. Looking around the room, checking every corner. Nothing.

Seungmin then got up and went to check the living room, yet still nothing. Except in the edge of his vision he saw the light from the bathroom on. A sigh escaped his lips.

He must’ve just needed to use the bathroom. Thank god he’s safe.

Seungmin stepped closer, but froze in place as he heard sobs and gasping from the bathroom. The realisation of knowing Hyunjin is alone in the bathroom crying, instead of using Seungmin as a comforter squeezed his heart a little. Seungmin wanted to be the one person Hyunjin could turn to. 

Seungmin wanted to be there - no is still here for Hyunjin, therefore Seungmin hesitated no more and walked straight to the bathroom, but Seungmin wasn’t prepared to see his best friend and crush on the his knees with blood covering his thighs and fresh tear trails running over his old ones, as Hyunjin stared at Seungmin with horror. Hyunjin’s face fell and morphed into shame as if he was caught by a parent doing something he wasn’t supposed to be. Seungmin knew what he needed to do. He ran out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. 

To a high cupboard he opened and grabbed out the first aid kit, and wasting no time was back by Hyunjin side. 

“Seungmin- this isn’t what it looks like. I- Please don’t look.“ Hyunjin stuttered. 

“Hush now. We need to get you cleaned up. I’m here now.” Seungmin’s vision blurred from tears swelling his eyes but he blinked it away because he knew he needed to help Hyunjin and be strong. “I’m sorry.” 

“Why would you be sorry. You did nothing wrong. I’m the monster.” Hyunjin sniffled. 

“Monster? Jinnie sweetie. You are going through so much, and because I can’t remember anything you must feel so alone. There are so many other ways to escape, but not like this. I hate seeing you hurt. I am here now. I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner. I’m here. We can help each other okay. Let’s do something else to relieve our pain. Okay? And you are not a monster.” 

…

Hyunjin was taken a back by Seungmin’s words. How could Seungmin be so genuine, caring and loyal. Hyunjin nodded to Seungmin’s words. It started to feel cold with no pants on, but Seungmin warmed up the bathroom enough. Seungmin has always made this cold life of his warmer. Hyunjin placed his hands on Seungmin’s cheeks as Seungmin finally stopped obsessively and gently cleaning his thighs. With Seungmin’s face in his hands they stared at each other. 

“Thank you. Seungmin. You really are the best. Always there when I need you.” Hyunjin smiled at him. 

I love you so much.

Seungmin scoffed. “Come on. I really need to clean you up. Stop distracting me. You’re crazy.” 

I am crazy…crazy in love with you, but how could you love me back. I’m just a monster. A rapist. It’s all my fault. I’m so sorry.

Hyunjin couldn’t stop the tears from falling as to feel Seungmin’s delicate touch. To hear his sassy attitude. To stare into his puppy dogs eyes, and want treasure his huge smile. Was all a taunt. He could never have Seungmin.

“I could never deserve you.” Hyunjin whispered causing Seungmin to gasp. 

“Excuse me?” 

“I don’t deserve the care you give me. It’s all my fault, you were assaulted. It should have been me.” 

“What are you talking about?” Seungmin was confused. 

“I was there Seungmin. In that room with him, before you got there. I jumped from the balcony. He tried to drug me.” Hyunjin could feel his eyes burning from wanting to release a build up of more tears.

…

Seungmin remembered. In that moment he remembered some important details of that night. He remember walking around. Some idiot jumped from the balcony, but he didn’t know it was Hyunjin. 

He remembers wanting to find Hyunjin. Seungmin remembers he wanted to tell Hyunjin something once he found him. Seungmin remembered he wanted to confess and not fight anymore, but Seungmin also remembered the room. He remembers the desperation so clearly.

“Seungmin? What’s wrong?” Hyunjin asked in concern as he stared at his friend who seemed so absentminded. 

“I remember…A ballon and a clown? And the feelings of desperation, betrayal and then the worst thing I’ve ever felt in my life. Hopelessness.” Seungmin recounted this to Hyunjin. “Sorry. I probably just made you feel worse?” Seungmin laughed awkwardly. “Hyunjin. None of it’s your fault. It’s no ones. Okay. Let’s work through this together, as Changbin said ‘work through it and not over it’ okay? Promise you will stay with me?” 

Hyunjin nodded. “Yes. Seungmin. I’ll stay with you.”  Seungmin couldn’t help the urge to hug his friend. His crush. 

“Their is also one last thing I clearly remember.” Seungmin whispered into Hyunjin’s ear. 

Hyunjin’s chin rested onto Seungmin's shoulder as he gave an affirmative hum.

“I remember wanting to find you. Desperately. I needed to find you.” Seungmin squeezed Hyunjin tighter. I still don’t have the courage to tell you, yet I should. I should tell you that I love you. 

“Well…You did find me.” Hyunjin found a small shaky smile grace his lips for only a second before Seungmin pulled out of the hug and was now holding Hyunjin by the shoulders still kneeling on the bathroom floor. 

Seungmin in a slip second made a decision. If he couldn’t tell Hyunjin how he felt then he would show him. 

Seungmin leaned forward and gently closed the gap between them and placed his lips onto Hyunjin’s. Hyunjin’s lips were salty from all the crying he had been doing, but it tasted sweeter than his favourite dessert. Hyunjin’s lips felt softer than his cotton pillow. And Seungmin’s feeling were higher than the clouds. 

…

“Thank god.” Chan smirked as his laptop lit up his face. Changbin stood up behind him with his fists on his hips. 

“Did it go through?” Changbin asked. 

“Yes. I’m tracking it now.” Chan clicked and typed on the laptop. “Still how you managed to hack and find his phone through the company is just crazy.” 

“Well. After the police said they couldn’t touch him due to evidence being lost in the hospital and him moving house, the idea you suggested was genius. Mr Seo’s SP phone company really did come in handy huh?” Changbin then proceeded to rumble on more about how to pinpoint the coordinates of Jae’s location. 

“I can’t wait to break this fucker’s jaw, and feel it shutter under the pressure of my fist.” Chan spat. 

“Hold your horses buddy. First we need to make sure we don’t get caught.” Changbin placed his hand on Chan’s shoulder. “Plus you really need to start eating again, before you even think about cornering this guy.” Both boys froze when they heard Felix on the signature red couch tossing to get comfy. Felix mumbled something about the frosting guy shouldn’t hog all the food dye. Changbin just turned to glance at him with a fond smile. Chan watched Changbin's reaction.

“You really like him huh?” Chan stated with a sad smile, but it still held tenderness. Changbin nodded slightly not letting his eyes tear away from Felix’ figure. As Changbin could stare at Felix’ lock of blonde hair all day. It looked so fluffy poking out from under the blanket. Chan then coughed to refocus his friends attention. Changbin took that as a cue. “Come on. Back to work. We need to come up with a plan. Find his schedule. Pretty much stalking, but it’s all worth it for the boys.” Changbin couldn’t agree more with Chan. This guy had to pay for what he had done and if the police weren’t any help then they have to be the ones to do themselves.

…

“So you’re saying I don’t need the operations?” I.N frowned with his eyebrows creasing his forehead. He was literally here the other day wit Doctor Han, who was telling him the opposite of what rubbish is coming out of this new doctor’s mouth.

“Yes. I am saying that you’re aren’t sick enough to perform surgery on.” The new doctor said. 

“But, Doctor Han was very clear in saying that I definitely needed to the surgery.” I.N protested. 

“Shh Jeongin. I think this doctor knows what’s best.” I.N’s mother spoke, while glaring at I.N until she turned back towards the doctor with an innocent smile. 

I.N knew. I.N noticed. I.N notices most things. Like how his mother doesn’t want to pay extra for an operation that isn’t required, except I.N knew what he was told from Doctor Han. As soon as he had told his mother she requested to come back herself to confirm. I.N felt his heart start beating faster and his leg bouncing slightly. His thoughts spoke faster and louder almost screaming at him that what’s happening isn’t right.

“What about this lump on my neck? Doctor Han said it was a cyst. What will happen?” I.N desperately needed confirmation. 

“Ahh. Let me see.” The doctor brought his gloved hands up to touch I.N’s neck. I.N winced from the contact. “Doesn’t seem like anything too serious. I don’t think it’s cancerous, but it does look irritated and inflamed, therefore I cannot operate on it. Or it will cause more harm than good. I can only give you medication.” The doctor drew back his hands and took off the gloves he was wearing and tossing them onto Doctor Han’s old desk. The new doctor lazily dropped back into his chair. “That’s all for today. I have other patients waiting now. Have a good day.” 

I.N left the hospital that day in confusion. Did Doctor Han lie? Or was this new doctor not taking him seriously. Either way I.N missed Doctor Han. He never wants to go back to this new doctor. What’s worse is he has suspicion that his mother might prefer this doctor due to not having to spend anymore money than she already has for I.N’s health. I.N wished for nothing more than not to be a burden to his parents. 

…

Jisung swung his legs as he couldn’t reach the floor of the bed in the doctor’s check-up room. 

“So, if these nightmares happen again give him these prescribed medication. He should be about to sleep more peacefully.” The doctor handed a pill bottle to his mother. 

“Thank you again.” Jisung’s mother bowed to the doctor as she got up to leave. Jisung took that as his cue to stand up as well and bow. 

“Eomma. Do you really think they will work?” Jisung asked while they walked to the car. 

“I’m not sure, but let’s hope.” Jisung’s mother never bullshitted him. Jisung really loved his mother, and is so thankful to have her. 

…

Minho glanced in the mirror while getting dressed for school. He thought about inviting Jisung over again, but he might be getting too carried away. 

He started thinking about what had happened to him and thought the time might be right to tell Jisung and maybe everyone else. After the whole getting mad at Chan and Seungmin about not sharing; Minho has come in terms with his selfishness. He must for the safety of his friends. He must tell the truth even though he doesn’t want to relive the past at least it will be with the people he trusts. 

Minho looked down in the mirror as he delicately traced the scar on his lower stomach. A scar that will always remind him about that day. The horrid day that he was betrayed. The day Chan saved him. He looked up to stare into his eyes, they held determination and hope, but anger and betrayal. A lesson. A story. A scar. 

…

The next day.

Shit…everyone will ask why I wasn’t at school yesterday. 

Jisung continued walking his way to the cafeteria to meet up with everyone, albeit struggling with how he was going to explain about why is took the day off. Struggled wondering if he should lie about it? Or just cough up the truth? Lately all lying has gotten him in is trouble. Why can’t he just tell everyone the truth. A sigh escaped his lips before he bumped into someone. 

“Ouch!” Jin rubbed his shoulder. “Oh! Han Ji. What’s up? How you going?” 

Jisung was surprised to run into Jin. Jisung couldn’t help that his heart sped up. Jisung wanted to spent more time with Jin, but this next week he will be busy, also the fact he hurt Felix whilst being blinded by infatuation didn’t put himself in a good place. Another sigh escaped his lips. 

“I could be better honestly.” Han’s shoulder dropped down. Jin then proceeded to put his hand onto Han’s shoulder. 

“Do you want to hang with me this weekend to get your mind off whatever it is bugging you?”

Yes. Han should feel excited about the psychical contact just made by his crush, he should feel excited about the invite, but his thoughts and feeling just weren’t in it today. Jisung was exhausted. He dreaded sleeping. He needed sleep but he was too scared to close his eyes. On top of that he knows himself to not be aware about anything while in Jin’s company. Felix is right in saying Han needed to know who his true friends are, even if that means saying no to his crush. 

“Sorry. Kinda busy as I said before.” Han tried to send a sympathetic smile towards Jin. Jin seemed so upset. Han’s gut twisted with guilt, but he knew he was doing the right thing. He needed to focus on rekindling his relationship with Felix and working on study plus the new song 3racha is producing. 

…

It’s coming towards the end of the week. Hyunjin has been doing his best in stopping with cutting. He spends his time finishing Seungmin’s project and studying which is almost completed.

Hyunjin sat across from Seungmin for lunch. Jisung had just ducked his head as he entered the cafeteria and sat down. He wasn’t at school yesterday. Either was I.N but Hyunjin wanted to know if he was alright. Hyunjin’s guess is he was trying not to be inconspicuous, but had failed miserably. Hyunjin on the other hand wasn’t any better. He couldn’t even look up at Seungmin without his cheeks going bright red or his heart trying to beating its way out of his throat whilst choking him. Hyunjin could already feel the heat gathered around his ears and face. 

I still can’t believe he kissed me. My crush. He likes me back. So, why is it that I can’t talk to him or even look at him?

Hyunjin groaned within his own mind. He didn’t know why he was ignoring Seungmin. No matter how many times Seungmin tried talking to him yesterday, he straight up ignored him. Hyunjin knew that he was going to confess anyways, but maybe that was the problem Hyunjin wanted to confess. That kiss was so sudden and the most wonderful thing that’s ever happened, yet Hyunjin wanted to be the one to say and show it first, but then again would he have actually gone through with confessing. Hyunjin stared at his food contemplating about how this little kiss managed to make him this conflicted.   

“Jinnie are you okay?” Seungmin asked. Hyunjin didn’t hear him. Hyunjin was trying to sort through his maze of memories, feelings and thoughts.

…

Ignoring me again. 

A sigh escaped Seungmin. Ever since the kiss Hyunjin has been ignoring him. Seungmin was starting to think Hyunjin didn’t like him back, but then why did Hyunjin kiss him back that night. Seungmin really didn’t know what to think. He loves Hyunjin. That is the most clearest feeling. No matter what he would be there for Hyunjin, even if Hyunjin ended up hating him. Seungmin would not back down. 

…

“Jisung…why weren’t you here yesterday?” Felix questioned Jisung. 

Jisung’s throat closed up. Felix was speaking to him, but the other day he told him to never speak to him again. Did Felix finally forgive him. Jisung wasn’t sure. All he knew was that he would stop at nothing for the other to forgive him, and the best way is to tell the truth. 

“I- I was at the hospital.” Jisung said as he shrunk into himself.

“What?! Are you okay?” Felix asked with concern. Jisung knows he should tell the truth cry and scream that he isn’t okay, and he hasn’t been okay for weeks. No. Years. Since the day of the accident. Jisung wanted nothing more than his friends to tell him its okay to not be okay. 

“I’m fine.” Jisung said with a wonky grin. What had Jisung done. He lied again. He trusts his friends. He knows they care, but to tell them that he’s a murderer. Nope. He can’t trust his tongue. His tongue will try reason, but there isn’t anything to reason. He killed someone, and he has to live with it for the rest of his life.

“Are you sure?” Chan asked with a contorted face. This is just making Jisung feel annoyed. He said he was fine, so they should leave him alone. 

“Jisung you can tell us if something is wrong.” I.N reached out and place a hand on top of Jisung’s. Jisung retracted it. He saw the hurt on I.N’s face as he did, but Jisung really didn’t need comfort because other people such as Seungmin and Hyunjin need comfort and Jisung needs to Felix’ forgiveness. He wants to spend time with Jin. He doesn’t know why Minho isn’t here yet. He wants to know why Chan won’t tell him about Lee Know. He wants Changbin and Felix to be together. He wants to stop having nightmares and be able to sleep again. He wants to go back to change the past so badly and he’s so scared of making another mistake. His head started to hurt with a low throbbing, which increased when he was asked again if he was okay by Felix. 

“NO! I’m not okay. I’m exhausted. I’m scared. I’m a liar. I’m a terrible friend.” I’m a murderer. “I’m far from okay. I don’t need you all asking me if I’m okay. I said I was but none of you trust me. You all kept asking. If anyone else from any other school would have and I said ‘I’m fine’ then they would leave me alone.” Han burst. He couldn’t up the charade. He cried. Cried into his hands. 

“Hannie…” Felix started. Since they fought this was the first time Felix called Jisung by his nickname. “I didn’t know you felt that way. I’m glad you told us.” 

Han looked up in shock. “Aren’t you mad I yelled at you and everyone else. I hurt you. I caused so many problems. I-I” Han hiccuped while tears tracked down his cheeks. 

“Ji. We keep asking because what you’re saying and showing us different. You say you’re fine, but your face shows us that you haven’t slept in days. It shows us that you’re frightened.” Chan said softly as he got up and walked around the table to embrace Han. “You know. We want to help you because you are our friend. You are one of us. We all look out for each other. Yes. Sometimes we lie to each other but it’s only to protect. That’s why I hid the incident about Seungmin, I wanted to protect everyone, but I know now that the truth may be painful whatever it may be. You have us now. Don’t hold yourself back. Don’t pretend to feel happy when you’re not Han, because we will all love you no matter if you’re angry, sad or happy. If you are going through a tough time. Please talk to us. Never stop talking to us about your problems.” Jisung couldn’t focus on much of the word vomit Chan was saying but he knew that guilt overtook his stomach. He knows that they all mean good for him. He knows he should tell them everything and he will... expect for the incident. He can’t tell them. 

“I-I’m not sleeping well. So I went to get medication. That’s it. I promise.” Jisung quietly said into one of Chan’s arms. Jisung pushes Chan gently to indicate the he wants space. 

“Thank you for telling us Hannie.” Felix whispered next to him. Han nodded. 

“Lixie. I am so sorry about the other day. I’m sorry I ditched you because of a stupid crush.” Jisung felt some weight come off his shoulders after that little outburst. Except Felix’ face was in pure horror. “Lix? Are you-“ 

“You ditched me for your crush?” Felix was so hurt, but he tried his best not to show it. 

“Yes. I’m so so sorry Lix. I won’t ever do it again. He asked to hang out this weekend but I said no. If that’s any consolation.” Jisung felt heat prick his cheeks and ears. Now he kind of felt glad Minho wasn’t here, but he doesn't know why.

“Oh.” Was all Felix said for a moment. “I can forgive you, but I’m still not over it and if you do something like that again. I definitely will disown you as my twin.” Felix tried to joke for his own feeling and hearing Jisung laugh did help but a crack was dug into his heart from this fight, and Felix knows it will change their friendship forever.  

“Where is Minho?” Jisung finally asked. 

“I’m not quite sure.” Chan shrugged his shoulders. “He will show sooner or later. Don’t worry.”

…

Friday - Finals

“Hyunjin. I want to talk about that night. Please.” Seungmin started walking after Hyunjin as soon as finals had finished. Hyunjin on the other hand kept walking. He was trying to get away, he didn’t want confrontation. 

“I-I can’t.” Hyunjin shouted then proceeded to start running. 

Why did he start running? Really Hyunjin this is just ridiculous. Seungmin thought as he sped up too caught up to Hyunjin. “Please wait” Seungmin huffed as he continued chasing after the black haired boy. 

Hyunjin seemed to turn a corner then when Seungmin turned to follow he collided with Hyunjin’s back pushing him forward. Hyunjin was down on all fours. Outside what seemed to be the school’s dance studio. “Jinnie! I’m sorry. Are you okay? I just wanted to talk.” 

Hyunjin didn’t seem injured and just know Hyunjin would let the whole world know if he was injured. Hyunjin shook his head and didn’t seem to provide any effort in getting up, therefore Seungmin walked around his body and swatted whilst blowing his fringe out of his face. “You know we have to talk about it sooner or later” he waited for a couple minutes. Waited for Hyunjin to say anything. He is so childish and dramatic. Seungmin sighed.

 “I just want to ask you one question. You don’t have to answer it now Jinnie, but…

Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

Seungmin let that question hang in the air for a bit. He still feels hurt that Hyunjin keeps shying away from him, but he knows in time Hyunjin will come around. Then Seungmin stood up still looking at Hyunjin who has and still is staring at the ground. I hope you will accept me. Hyunjin…I don’t usually believe in forever but I want to believe in eternity with you. 

…

Jisung spots Jin as he exited out of his classroom. Jisung rushes over, but just before he was about to speak Jin received a phone call. 

“Hello?” Jin answered.

A mumble was all Jisung could hear coming from the hand held device. 

“No. He didn’t say yes. We will have to move the plan for another weekend or plan something else. I mean Lee Know will be shocked once he finds out but by that time it will be too late.” Jin made an amused scoff with his nose. Han couldn’t see the smirk that twisted his mouth or the glint in his eye that shed an emotion of pure anger. 

“Jin?...” Jisung said unsurely. Jisung heard what he said, but Jisung might be thinking it in the wrong way. Maybe this Lee Know is the same one Chan is friends with. That thought sled some light onto the way Jin sounded, instead Han used that information to try and ask Jin what he meant. “You know Lee Know? Chan’s friend Lee Know? I haven’t met him yet. Chan won’t let him even speak about him. Can you introduce me?” The glint in Jin’s eye flared up, as he turned around to see Jisung. Jin a little startled, then after a second smiled. 

“Of course, but you said not this weekend.” Jin laughed awkwardly. 

“How about next? I’m sure I can then. Right?” Jisung held his hands together as if begging. 

“Sure thing.” Jin smirked. “Oh. How did you do on your exams?” 

“I was just about to ask you. I hope I passed.” Jisung grimaced at the thought of what his mother may do to him if he failed. 

“Same.” Jin agreed.

…

“…and…finished.” Hyunjin stepped back proudly looking at the finished gift for Seungmin. Hyunjin let a smile paint his face. I hope he will like it. Hyunjin sighed. He likes me after all. How could he not love it, but…I’m so nervous. What if changes is mind just like how quickly the seasons do or…he realises how much of a monster I truely am? 

Hyunjin phone vibrated and the screen lit up. The name the was displayed was Junho. Hyunjin knew better than to answer let alone look at his filthy and demeaning messages. So Hyunjin turns his phone over and heads toward the bathroom.

Hyunjin glanced toward the mirror. He knew he shouldn’t have. He knows that monster is there staring right back at him. How could Seungmin ever love something as hideous as that. How could Seungmin love the one that took away his innocence. How can Seungmin love something like this monster. Hyunjin stared at his reflection in shock. How could this monster cry. He have the right too. He deserves to be punished. Hyunjin opened up the cabinet under the sink and pulled out a new razor.

Hyunjin raised it against his wrist letting the cold metal kiss his wrist, but Hyunjin didn’t apply any force, instead he just stared at it for a while as the cold touch became warm.

Seungmin doesn’t want to see the monster hurt. He wants the monster to be his boyfriend. Seungmin wants the monster. Seungmin still wants the monster who has fucked everything up. 

Hyunjin’s lip curled upwards a little. 

I don’t even want to cut myself. I shouldn’t. I-I deserve it though, but Seungmin deserves everything he wants, therefore if he doesn’t want me to do this. I won’t. I won’t do it for Seungmin. 

Hyunjin placed the blade down on the bathroom sink. 

I’m going to say yes. For Seungmin, but also, for Hyunjin. The part of Hyunjin who isn’t a monster. The part I want Seungmin to see. The part I want Seungmin to feel. The part I want to belong to Seungmin. Yes. Seungmin. I want to be your boyfriend. Let's get through this together. 

…

“Channie. What’s that?” Han pointed towards the signature red couch in Chan's home studio. Han’s finger landed on a gift wrapped in a baby blue paper with a card placed neatly on top. 

“That is my birthday gift from I.N” Chan smiled. Han couldn’t believe it. 

“When was your birthday?” Han asked while tilting his head. 

“Oh…today.” Chan awkwardly laughed while scratching the back of his neck. Han was shocked. Terrified almost. Ho could Chan not tell anyone? 

“WHAT! TODAY!! And you didn’t say anything????” Han pouted.  He was alone all day? I know how that feels…but not anymore this birthday has been my best, therefore I need to make sure Channie has the bestest birthday too.

“Well… I guess it’s because I like to work on music quietly through the day because it makes me happy. Maybe we could go for drinks another day.” Chan brought his hand to his chin as he thought. Han couldn’t help it. Han couldn’t think of spending his birthday alone. Han’s heart shrunk in that thought. Channie...I- I want to make this day special for you. Only one day in the whole year is your day. You made it special for me, so the least I can do is make it special for you.

“Channie…” Chan hummed in affirmation as he swung his chair around to face Han whom had tears falling down his chubby cheeks. Chan’s eye widen in panic. 

“Han are you okay? Why are you crying? Are you sick?” Chan fussed by asking questions and waving his hands which Jisung thought looked like funny jazz hands but Jisung was too immersed in his thoughts and was too shocked, instead he just shooked his head at all the questions his Hyung asked.  

“H-how can you be alone today. Today is supposed to with friends and family. I don’t understand how anyone wouldn’t want to celebrate. That’s it I’m gonna rub your feet.” Chan was flustered as he heard what Han had to say to him. 

“Han…you don't have to man…come on…” Chan averted his gaze but Han just got comfy and went to grab Chan’s foot. “Woah woah woah. Are you serious?” 

“Oh…Channie. I’m deadly serious. Gimme ya feet.” Han narrowed his eyes and bent down towards Chan's feet.

How is his feet so soft? What the fuck? Does this man moisturise like three times a day?   Chan really is amazing...he really is a good friend. 

“Thank you Channie.” Han said whilst rubbing Chan’s foot.

“For what?” Chan raised an eyebrow. 

“For the other day in the cafeteria. I think I was just really overwhelmed.” Han stared down with an absent mind while continuing to rub Chan’s foot. Then sudden the door was pushed open and Changbin poked his head in. 

“Hey hey hey. How’s my birthday boy.” Changbin greeted as he held up a card in his hand. 

“Even Changbin knew it was your birthday?” Han scoffed in offence. Chan just awkwardly laughed once again while grabbing his earlobe and stroking it between his thumb and index finger. “Come on Channie why wouldn’t you want to celebrate?”

“If we were to celebrate. Do you not realise how much ridicule Chan would receive from Seungmin and his silver tongue as Chan is getting older now?” Changbin placed his fists on his hips as he spoke.

“Hey!” Chan shouted offended by Changbin comment even though deep down he knows it to be true.

“So, we gonna be working on Awaken today?” Changing insisted. 

“Oh! Definitely. I got the lyrics perfect. Don’t worry bro.” Jisung smirk proudly while puffing his chest out to mimic Changbin’s usually statue. 

“Don’t just change the subject you two.” Chan pouted then took his feet away from Jisung and planted them onto floor. 

“Oh! Chan here. Happy Birthday.” Changbin gifted Chan a birthday card. 

“Thank you Changbin.” Chan smiled and opened the card up to reveal a drawing on Chan as a wolf shouting happy birthday. Chan giggled upon seeing the gift. 

“Trust me Chan you may be giggling now but just wait until Christmas. This year I’ll have you in tears.”

“Why?” 

“I have something big planned. Really big. All of you will hate to love me so much.” 

Han and Chan just looked at each other and struggled their shoulders. 

…

“AH!” I.N screamed as he held onto his chest. I.N curled into the fetal position his chest convulsed as he struggled to breathe. “I-it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad.” He whisper yelled to himself still clenching tightly on his sweat shirt. 

Why does it hurt? Is the doctor really okay with not allowing the operations? Is it just because my mother doesn’t want to pay? 

Tears pricked the edges of I.N’s eyes, but not only because of the pain sprouting from his chest and neck, but because his own mother doesn’t care.  

Maybe if I died right now in spite of  my mother not wanting to pay for his health maybe she might feel the tiniest bit guilty. Or maybe…that’s what she wants…

I.N’s breathe hitched at the thought. “N-no. She doesn’t…” He whispered only to wail in pain again as his chest tightened even more. This resulted in I.N coughing.

And coughing. 

He coughed until he threw up. His blankets and sheets covered with red splotches. Is that blood?  Just great I.N is coughing up blood now. His condition keeps getting worse. 

I can take care of myself. No worries…it’s just a little blood…I’ll do some washing tomorrow. 

I.N began to pull off the blanket yet a sharp pain shot through his chest and made him collapse. Hyperventilating  I.N screwed his eyes shut as he took the pain. He got back up in no better condition sucking the air between his teeth in hopes to prepare for more pain. Just bearable I.N placed the blood stained sheets and blankets in the corner of his room, and stumbled his way back towards his bare mattress. Still breathing quite rapidly with tear marks apparent I.N grabbed his phone the screen lighting up. Chan and I.N’s picture from the first time they went to the beach together presented on his lock screen. I.N suddenly felt some ease in his chest. It clicked in I.N’s head that Chan really was the best drug. 

Happy birthday Channie…I hope you had some rest today.

The thought was texting him came to mind, but I.N was hesitant. He still was upset with Chan, but he doesn’t want to be anymore. He just wants Chan to hold him. 

Channie 

I.N: Hi Channie. Hope you enjoyed my present. Make sure you get some rest. 😊  

…

Han and Changbin had finally left. They got a chuck of the song made, as the track was looking ‘fire’ in Han Jisung’s words. 

Chan stood form his desk and crossed over to the couch. He smiled down at I.N’s gift. We may not be talking but I.N is such a good kid. Even Yuna didn’t come see me let alone gift me anything, but I guess that’s a blessing in disguise. Chan sat down and unwrapped the gift. It was a pillow. Chan then proceeded to read the card. 

Dear Chan,

Happy Birthday. You probably worked all day. I know you haven’t been sleeping or eating well. I’m still angry at you, but I still care Hyung. Go on take a rest. I mean it. 😠

I hope this gift brings you as much comfort as you bring me. 

From Innie 

Chan’s lips lifted upward. Thanks Innie. Chan placed down the card on his desk and took the pillow to his room upstairs. 

He took his shirt off and fell onto the sheets. He laid there for a while before sighing as he knew sleep was far away. The pillow was soft though. A round cushion like pillow. A dark green. Innie really looked after his Hyung. 

Chan stared up at the ceiling. A sigh escaped his lips.

He turned over to try get comfy. He should sleep he knows so, he choose to browse his phone. An ad popped up with a girl in her bikini which didn’t cover much, as she basically only had her nipples covered. 

Chan stared at the picture a little too long as something twitched under his briefs. The need to release himself became every urgent, as it’s been a while since he last master-bated or had sex. He was very pent up. He ended up putting his phone on incognito mode and browsed the internet for porn. He came across one video where the girl was screaming and moaning so loudly he thought it looked ridiculous, until there was a pre view video of a girl getting fucked in her ass. 

This really had Chan sweating and breathe becoming shallower. He gulped as he pressed onto the video. He tried his best to slid his pants and briefs down. Lifting his ass and finally freeing himself and discarding all his clothes. Now he laid naked. His erection on display throbbing from neglecting it for so long. Chan knew he needed to deal with it. 

Chan slowly slid his hand down his abs to his v-line past his cock and squished his thigh with a little squealed followed by a quiet moan pushed passed his lips. He was punishing himself. 

Just wait a little longer. Almost…

Chan’s eyes were glued to the screen. The girl in the porno finally took off all her clothes and climbed on the bed on all fours whilst sticking her ass in the air. “Are you really for me?” She asked. Chan waited. He needed to wait until the cock was in her ass he had too. When the video finally showed the cock slightly push into her entrance, Chan slightly rubbed his tip. The sensitivity gave him goosebumps and made him shiver. In the video the man sped up, the moist sounds of lube connecting skin against skin filled Chan’s lustful ears. Therefore Chan spat onto his palm and stroked his member. It twitch in his hand the faster he went. He back arched a bit and he closed his eyes with a moan. Imaging himself fucking the girl. Chan felt so good. The sounds edging him closer and closer. Until…

A notification vibrated making him glance at his screen in front of the video was a message from I.N 

Innie baby

 I.N: Hi Channie. Hope you enjoyed my present. Make sure you get some rest. 😊  

Chan was so close. He dropped his phone next to him, instead of fucking the inside of this female porn stars ass Chan pictured I.N bend on all fours on his own bed while moaning his name. Chan didn’t know what overcame him because that thought made his stomach grow hot a build up wanted to be released. Chan arched his back “Mmm…Fuck!” Chan moaned, as white strings flew from his cock making him see stars.  

He had to catch his breathe. Relax his body from the tension high of his orgasm. He stared at the ceiling stunned by the fact he finished while thinking about his best friend. His little brother. 

Oh my god! What have I done? I finished while thinking of a guy and not just any guy but Innie.

Chan gulped. 

What does this mean? Does this mean I want that?

The video was still paying on his phone. The moaning getting louder until Chan guessed that what might have been them finishing in the video. Still Chan is now confused. Why would he think of I.N like that. He has never thought about I.N in this way ever. 

Am I bisexual? What am I?

Chan sat up and turned his phone off. His grip the sheets either side of where he sat. Confused. His cock finally softened. He needed to clean himself. He had never felt like this before. It was new. It was confusing. 

…

“I-I passed…” Hyunjin stared at the piece of paper that reveal his score. I did it…I actually did it. How did I do it? Oh My God. Seungmin can finally be proud of me.

Hyunjin smiled so wide his face actually started to hurt. 

“What are you so happy about Hyung?” I.N glanced towards the paper in Hyunjin’s hands. I.N didn’t get to read anything before Hyunjin snapped in it up towards his chest protecting it from all seeing eyes. 

“Nothing…” Hyunjin’s eyes adverted Innie’s, but as he did he saw Seungmin start to make his way towards the table where I.N, the rest of the group and Hyunjin himself were sitting. Hyunjin quickly shoved the report card into his bag before Seungmin arrived. “I passed, but don’t tell anyone yet.” Hyunjin whispered in I.N’s ears. Which made I.N squeal in excitement. Hyunjin’s cheeks flushed red when Seungmin raised an eyebrow at the two. 

"Congrats Jinnie." I.N whispered back. 

…

“Guys I want you all the met Jin. Can I bring him to sit with us one lunch. If that’s okay?” Jisung asked. 

Chan felt he had no problem in having someone else join. He glanced over everyone’s faces, until he saw Felix who seemed defeated. Just as he was about to say something Changbin beat him to it. 

“Lix. You wanna get food. My shout.” Felix nodded with a smile, not his usual smile, but at least he smiled .He looked at Minho who had seen better days. His eyes were swollen, but Chan knew why. Minho had come to him explaining that he was going to finally tell everyone soon. Which made Chan so happy that he is willing to open up. Chan’s gaze then lands on I.N and thoughts of the pervious night flood his brain. He face grew bright red and his ears felt like they were on fire.

I.N on all fours with his ass in the air moaning Chan’s name. 

Chan felt something jerk inches pants. 

No. No. No. Don’t think about this Chan. You are better than this. He is your friend. It is in the middle of the day at school. This isn’t happening. Keep it in your pants Chan. 

“Stop it.” Chan whispered. 

“Stop what?” Chan looked up to see Minho staring at his with confusion printed on his face. 

“Oh nothing. Just stressed. I guess.” Chan laughed awkwardly while scratching the back of his neck. He needed to leave. “I’m going to get going. See you guys tomorrow.” He waved goodbye before picking his bag up making sure to cover his front. 

…

Felix held the bell. Dismissing classes for today. He planned to hang with Changbin. Felix still feels so bad about the fight. If only he had said something sooner when he saw the guy coming towards Changbin with his fist raised. Felix kicked a rock while waiting for Changbin at the front gates. Felix sighed.

“Hey Pixie.” Felix looked up, and saw someone he didn’t know. 

“E-excuse me?” Felix asked with his eyebrows drawn together in confusion. 

“You heard me fairy. Gay. A fuck fairy for all those gays you hang around.” Felix was stunned into silence mouth gaped open. No one has ever said something so crude towards him before. 

“That’s not very nice to say.” Felix mumbled, with a pout. The other boy scoffed in amusement. 

“Your Korean sounds so retarded. Are you retarded or something?” The guy stepped forward his foot bounded heavily in front of Felix which made him flinch. Felix didn’t want to be weak. He didn’t want this guy to see that what he said hurt him. 

“G-go away. You are just a bully.” Felix tried to retort, but failed as the other only laughed.  

“How are you gonna make me leave?” The other boy leaned over Felix raising his hand to stroke some hair out of Felix’ face. Then suddenly someone quickly latched onto the offenders hand and pushed him backwards landing into the cemented ground with an oof.

“I hate to repeat myself. Don’t you ever fucking dare touch or say anything about my friends.” Changbin’s voice cut through Felix’ ears and Felix was afraid not for himself but for the other guy. Changbin’s bloodlust gauge was boiling over. Felix would have warned the guy on the ground to run if he had been nicer, but Felix didn’t care at that point. Felix just wanted to leave with Changbin. 

“Y-you.” The other guy spat. 

“Yes. Me. Now fuck off before I actually get pissed.” Changbin glared down at him as if he was nothing. As if he was lower than dirt. Changbin’s jaw tightened and lips were narrowed with fared nostrils. Felix really thought that he might end up killing the other guy before he got the chance to ‘Fuck off’ in Changbin’s words. The other scrambled to his feet and sped away. After a minute Felix heard Changbin take a deep breathe, before turning to him. “Are you okay Felix? Did they hurt you?” Changbin raised his hands to brush the hair out of Felix’ face. Felix playfully tried smacking Changbin’s hands away.

“I’m fine Binnie. I’m fine. Now you’re here.” Felix felt his face lift into a smile.

“Let’s go then.” Changbin suggested by bringing his hands back to his sides. Felix didn’t notice Changbin’s ears go red at his comment, but Changbin sure as hell felt it. 

"He was the one the punched you." Felix stated while heading towards Changbin's car. Changbin didn't say anything. Felix just stated the obvious. "I should have warned you sooner. I should have-"

"No. He shouldn't have done what he did." Changbin interrupted. Felix sallowed sharply and went to grab Changbin's hand, except they both had already arrived at Changbin’s red Porsche. 

A few minutes had pasted.

“Changbinnie…” Felix started. Changbin hummed with affirmative. Felix didn’t know if it was such a good idea to tell Changbin he like Jisung, but Felix really needed something to talk to, and Changbin is always there for him other than Jisung. Yes. Felix has the rest of his friends, yet it doesn’t feel that he can talk deeply. Changbin is the best for it. Deep conversations. Felix decided. “I like Han.” Felix didn’t notice. Didn’t notice how Changbin’s grip on the wheel before so tight his knuckles went white. Felix didn’t see the angry glint in Changbin’s eyes as he focused on the road. Felix didn’t notice how Changbin’s heart painfully shrunk. “But he likes Jin, and…and…” Felix didn’t mean to cry. Felix couldn’t control the feeling of heartbreak. He couldn’t control how alone he felt sometimes, as he lived alone in a run down apartment away from his family. He definitely couldn’t control the stinging in his eyes are the drops raced down his cheeks. Sniffling he tried to speak again. “Han wants…him to j-join the group.”    

“Well…I’m sorry to hear that Felix.” Changbin held a monotoned voice, yet almost laced with pity and underlined with extreme anger and heartbreak. Changbin wasn’t really sorry to hear that. Changbin was sorry Felix was hurting yes, but he didn’t want to see Lix like someone else instead. Changbin flared his nostrils. “There really is nothing you can do. Love…is painful, but you always have me to lean on though. I know that probably isn’t the advice you’re looking for. Sorry.” Changbin spoke but his knew deep down what he said was half heartly. 

Felix didn’t know what to do or say from what Changbin said. Felix thought maybe he would have felt better but he didn’t, he felt worse. Felix wanted Changbin to be more caring in a sense of fuss over him, but Felix just felt like he received the cold shoulder. Felix felt too tired now to think about it any longer with the heat from the sun was seeping into his skin. 

So warm. So sleepy. 

Felix leaned his head on his seatbelt and balanced it. It felt like being wrapped under a duvet with the radio was playing quietly making it sound like white noise mixed with the car’s vibrations lulled Felix to sleep.

…

“I think it goes like this.” Hyunjin stuck his tongue out in concentration while looking in the mirror to watch what he was doing. “If not I can always dye it back. Right?”  

…

Jisung was meeting with Jin today just before going to the dance studio to pick up Hyunjin for tutoring. 

Han whistled while walking towards the studio. They said to meet near the odd oak tree halfway to the studios and the senior classrooms. 

Jisung waited. Once he caught sight was Jin a smile grew onto his face. He couldn’t wait to tell Jin that his friends will allow him to join them at lunch. It brought a buzzing tingle to his chest. He started walking over towards Jin when he noticed someone else was with him. As Jisung got closer he noticed something. Or that someone. Jisung's smile dropped. His heart sank and the beating of it became incredibly fast and heavily. The beating was so loud that he could swear both boys in front of him could hear it from where they now stood. His throat tighten as he tried to swallow. Something stung his eyes, but he refused to believe he is crying. He was paralysed. He couldn’t believe Jin was with this guy. Jin knew this guy. He begged this guy didn’t change his name to Lee Know or…he might actually not survive. He would lose everything. 

“Hey Han Ji.” Jin casually waved at him with his usual glint of amusement in his eye.

“J-jin.” Han couldn’t stop shaking. No matter how much he tired not too. He couldn’t stop staring as if making sure the other didn’t whisper something into Jin’s ear. “W-why is h-he here?” Jin made a confused sound. 

“Oh you mean Issa? Yeah. He is my friend. He told me everything about you.” Jin said calmly and with a shadowed grin.

“Hi. Han. Long time no see.” Before Han could even try come up with a coherent response he heard a yell from behind him. 

“Jisung! Get away from him.” 

Minho then suddenly grabbed onto Jisung’s arm pulling him away from Jin.

…

Chapter Text

Minho bolted over and harshly gripped Jisung’ arm pulling said boy behind himself.

Minho hissed at Jin. Minho turned to face Jisung who had tears running down his face already. “What did he do to you?” Minho yelled while shaking Jisung by the shoulders. 

Shit. This is all my fault…if only I warned him sooner. If only I…

Minho was interrupted mid thought by a cough from Jin. Minho was now face to face with Jin who just winked and said, “Hiya baby.” 

Disgust engraved lines onto Minho face. “Fuck off and don’t go near any of my friends.” 

“Aww that’s no way to speak to an old friend Lee Know.” Jin cooed. Han’s eyebrows frowned together. Jin shrugged “I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?”

“Minho this is Jin. Why are you acting like this?” Jisung tried to explain. “It’s the other-“ 

“Jisung! This is Sujin.” Hyunjin burst out in anger, while Minho gritted his teeth. 

We need to leave. I have to get away from him. I have to get my friends as far as possible.

…

Jisung was utterly confused. 

Minho was Lee Know and Jin was Sujin. 

“Jisung, he was the one that spread those rumours about me taking advantage of him and he is the one involved with provoking Changbin in the cafeteria before he got suspended.” It clicked. Jisung realised what a mistake it was. Now that Issa was with Jin it made sense. Jin was the bad guy and is not to be trusted, but then Sujin says the worst thing he could ever say to Jisung.  

“Your little secret is safe with me Han Jisung. Too bad Mick can’t say the same anymore.” 

Jisung face falls. 

It felt like time stopped. 

He could only hear the rapid beating of his heart.

He was breathless. 

Everything around him didn’t matter anymore.

Someone knew.

 His friends were going to find out.

 He was going to be branded as a murderer freak. 

Jisung feels the world around him start crumbling. Everything threatened to be sallowed up to nothing but black. How did this guy know about Mick? What if more people know? What if he loses his friends? It’s all my fault. I left him there. I didn’t do anything. Minho grabs Jisung’s biceps trying to reassure him by saying that ‘Sujin is just trying to scare you’. 

Sujin had fled with Issa in what they deemed a victory. Jisung on the over hand haven’t understood a single word leaving Minho’s lips. Jisung couldn’t look at Minho in the eye, as Minho tried to snap him out of this trance. 

“Look at me Han!” Minho demanded causing Jisung to meekly tilt his head up to face him. Jisung’s throat felt dry. He wanted to cry again. Wanted to breakdown. Wanted to be hugged, comforted, cared for by his new friends. He didn’t want them to leave or hate him. He wanted to keep them. Have them accept him although he knew once they knew nothing would stop them from turning their backs. “Don’t take what he says literal” 

“He knew…” 

“Knew what?” 

“About me…about what I did.” Minho couldn’t say anything, as he saw asking whatever it was wasn’t going to help Jisung by explaining himself. Minho knew he needed to get them out of school. Hyunjin wasn’t looking any better. Hyunjin just stared blankly where Sujin had been previously.

“Hannie.” Minho whispered, as he kneeled down with Jisung into a hugging position. “Shh. We should go someplace else okay?” Minho patted Jisung’s back. 

“Han and I did have tutoring, but I don’t think that’s going to go far today.” Hyunjin announced as he turned his attention on the two instead of the empty space before. Minho nodded.

“Can we go to your house Hannie?” Minho whispered. Han nodded in return, then started to stand on his own. 

…

As soon as they walked through the door Han was already running off to the bathroom. 

Minho and Hyunjin heard him gagging and projectile vomiting while they stood in Han’s bedroom. 

“Lucky his mother isn’t home for a while. Or there would definitely be questions.” Hyunjin shifted his weight on his other foot while he had his arms crossed. He noticed Lee Know and how his brows were dripped downwards in worry. “Go check on him then. I’ll be fine. You and him on the other hand…well…maybe not so fine.” Lee Know’s eyebrows had risen in surprise but still the lingering sense of worry surrounded him. That was enough for Hyunjin. Hyunjin had Seungmin now. He would be fine. “If I had been affected this much by the interaction, then I really don’t want to know how you must feel. Minho…I may not know much, but no matter what we are here for you. Just please don’t stuff tissues in my mouth anymore. Thank you.” Hyunjin tried to laugh, but he felt better knowing the tiniest resemblance of a smile graced Minho lips. 

“I can’t promise anything about the tissues, but I know I’ve had enough time. I’ll see you later then? At school? After the weekend?” Lee Know stared into Hyunjin’s eyes but another gagging sound from Jisung made Lee Know glance towards the bathroom door. 

“Go on then. Shoo.” Hyunjin used his hands to make a shooing motion. Lee Know nodded, then proceeded in quickly pacing toward the bathroom. 

Lee Know reached up to the door knob and turned it, but before pushing it open he took another glance over at Hyunjin to make sure the other was really alright. When he did Hyunjin had already gone. Lee Know then took a deep breathe, he was pretty much alone and he relaxed a little. Hyunjin is a great confront yes, but this small spare moment was so he could recollect himself before rushing to Han. 

Get it together Lee Know. He can’t hurt them. He can’t hurt you. You are stronger now. Don’t think. Just help. You can do it. For Hannie.

Without any more hesitation Lee Know pushed open the door to Han kneeling over the toilet seat, just like how Lee Know did once at school. “Hannie.” He whispered. A surprised squeak came from Jisung, as he looked over at Lee Know a glassy panel coating his eyes. 

“Minho…” Han retorted. 

“Hey. Are you feeling a little better after getting some of the out of your system.” Lee Know tilted his head towards the toilet. Jisung followed the tilt, then shook his head and stood up wobbly. Lee Know caught him and helped stabilise his balance. “Whoa there! Careful now. Don’t over do it.” Han just gripped onto his arms for support with his fringe hiding his eyes, as he looked down. 

“Bed…” Han whispered. “ ’m tired.” Lee Know couldn’t get Han to sleep yet. Not until he was sure he was okay. 

Therefore, Lee Know brought his hand up to Jisung’s chin and tugged it upwards. Lee Know then delicately brushed Han’s fringe out of his face. “There. Now I can see you. Can I stay with you?” Han’s doe eyes watered even more if that was possible and his lip quivered. 

“Please.” Han wrapped himself around Lee Know and pulled their bodies together. Their chest’s touching each others. “Please stay.” Lee Know brought his hand up to cradle Han’s head. That’s when Han started sobbing, and Lee Know couldn’t hold it together himself. He could feel the sting. He didn’t want to seem weak, but how could he not be when it’s Han. He is so weak for Han. Han Jisung breaks down all his walls even if Lee Know doesn’t want him too. 

Lee Know lead Han to his bed, and helped lay him down so he was comfortable. Within seconds Han was emitting light snoring. Lee Know laid next to him on the edge of Han’s single bed mattress. Lee Know let his eyes trace the younger’s facial features. Lee Know admired Han. Lee Know could say he had started to adore him with his cute button nose, puffy cheeks, and doe eyes, but while Han slept he looked like a nesting squirrel. So fluffy. Lee Know stroked his head and swiped some of Han’s fringe out of his face. 

He looks so peaceful. Definitely better than before. Sujin that bastard. Fuck! If only I had known. I should’ve have known. 

Lee Know let a defeated sigh out causing the air to shake as it escaped making his chest vibrate. He kept silent and gently patted Han. Lee Know wasn’t prepared. Lee Know knew he was crying, yet he doesn’t know if it’s because of Han who could have gotten seriously hurt or because of seeing Sujin today, and reliving the trauma he wished he could forget. Maybe both and the wetness of his cheeks now served as a reminder. Lee Know doesn’t want to feel anything anymore. He hates the weakness; the hopelessness of feeling trapped in a cycle of reliving the same trauma. He needs to release it. That’s why Lee Know has finally decided to tell everyone. He needs too. Not only for himself, but for his friends. He may not be sleeping tonight at least he gets to watch over his friend who he has fallen in love with. 

…

Fucking hell. Sujin that bastard! How dare he do this? Why our group? Why Minho- I mean Lee Know. 

Hyunjin dragged his feet down the street with his balled up fists in the pockets of his track suits. Hyunjin eyed a rock on the footpath and kicked it imagining it as Sujin’s head. The sun had started to set, the sky a bright red. Like fire wounding the sky, just like Hyunjin’s thoughts. Then, Hyunjin’s face loosened from the frustrated tension, as Hyunjin thought about Han. Now, the sky darken into a calm, yet worried tone. Hyunjin thought about Minho too and hoped that they would provide the right type of confront that each other needs. Hyunjin really wanted Seungmin, but how could he face Seungmin right now. Not after Seungmin confessed. Hyunjin has to be patient. Hyunjin needs to be strong. 

Soon.

Hyunjin opened the front door of the dorm. Glancing around the room to check if Seungmin was awake still. It was quiet. Too quiet. Hyunjin braced himself to dash for his room, yet something felt off. He put the hood of his hoodie over his newly dyed hair. He was scared to it blench at first, but after he saw how good it looked he never wants to go dark again. Hyunjin gripped either side of the hood and held it close to his cheeks making sure not a single strand was on display. 

The floor boards creaked under the weight of his foot and at this point he should have just bolted, but instead he carefully made his way towards Seungmin’s bedroom. 

Hyunjin felt the coolness of the door handle. 

Is Seungmin home? 

Hyunjin stepped into the vast darkness of Seungmin’s room. 

“Minnie?” Hyunjin whispered, but no response. Hyunjin squinted his eyes to try make them adjust quicker, but he couldn’t make out if someone was in bed or it was plush toys. 

Wait- Seungmin doesn’t have plush toys.

Hyunjin stumbled over to the bed while waving his hands out like a blind person, until he felt a huge bulge on the bed. 

“Seungmin?” Hyunjin whispered. “Are you hiding from me? I didn’t know you liked such games?” Hyunjin giggled after his own comment. Then suddenly the bulge moved swiftly and Hyunjin was covered by a blanket and pulled under the covers, while unceremoniously falling on top of a human body. Hyunjin could feel the air of Seungmin’s breathe escape, as Hyunjin squashed him. 

“Sorry.” Hyunjin whispered. Then stillness. Neither moved. All that was heard was just the sounds of each others breathing harmonised while their chests hugged each other. Hyunjin’s chin rested in the crook of Seungmin’s neck as if he was made just to fit there.

“Hyunjin…” Seungmin finally broke that silence. Hyunjin replied with a affirmative hum. “Are you scared of me?” Hyunjin’s eyes widened in shock. 

“What?!” Hyunjin quickly lifted his body raising the blanket on top to form a space together them. Hyunjin assumed he was looking into Seungmin’s eyes, but it was very dark. “I’m not scared of you Minnie.” Hyunjin looked away from Seungmin, even if Seungmin couldn’t see, but shame, guilt and fear swirled in Hyunjin’s eyes. Hyunjin knew it was better that Seungmin couldn’t see. 

“What’s wrong then? You avoid me like the plague and keep secrets with I.N?-

“No! I mean- yes. Just…” Hyunjin sighed in defeat. “I- didn’t expect your confession so suddenly, because Minnie! I was going to confess!” Hyunjin pretty much screamed the last part just to force it out. Seungmin blinked and blinked again. Seungmin was confused. 

“Then why do you keep avoiding me if you feel the same way.” Seungmin questioned, and Hyunjin knew he would have to answer honestly, as Seungmin could pick up any hiccups and the slight notion of doubt and Hyunjin was done for, yet little did Hyunjin know Seungmin’s poor brain couldn’t keep up. All Seungmin could think about is Hyunjin likes him back. 

“I wanted to confess and give you your real birthday present while, revealing I passed all my subjects this term.” 

“You passed all your subjects?” Seungmin asked. Hyunjin nodded, but then realised that it was dark and Seungmin couldn’t see, but before he could answer he was propelled forwards and Seungmin grabbed his waist with one hand and the other supported the back of Hyunjin’s neck as Seungmin brought Hyunjin’s lips crashing into his own. Hyunjin’s hips were melded together with Seungmin’s as Seungmin’s gentle and smooth lips connected to Hyunjin’s. Leaving Hyunjin dazzled. Hyunjin couldn’t think. He forgot what he was saying and solely focused on Seungmin. He didn’t have time to waste on anything else. 

Seungmin parted and let the back of his head fall back onto the pillow. 

“Sorry, I’m just so proud of you Jinnie.” Seungmin smiled, and Hyunjin could hear that smile through his voice. Hyunjin could picture that puppy-like grin, and hearing that he made Seungmin proud busted a cage of butterflies within his own stomach. He wanted Seungmin to praise him every minute of everyday, because if he could  please Seungmin then his life was complete. 

Hyunjin wanted more. Hyunjin needed more. Hyunjin found comfort with Seungmin and he hoped Seungmin felt the same, therefore Hyunjin didn’t think twice before chasing another kiss. 

…

Hyunjin’s lips collided with Seungmin’s making Seungmin yelp in surprise, but nevertheless quickly indulge. Tenderly kissing back. Seungmin couldn’t help it. Seungmin felt weak like if he tried using his legs his knees would give out. Hyunjin kissing him was something different. Something right. But…

Seungmin wanted more. He wanted something bolder, and just before thinking about his next move. Seungmin felt something warm push on his lips. A knock on the door, you could say. Seungmin allowed entry but slowly opening and as soon as it was open Hyunjin’s tongue excitedly started to explore all different corners of Seungmin. Seungmin couldn’t suppress a moan. The vibration travelling to his tongue causing Hyunjin to freeze. Seungmin didn’t want Hyunjin to stop. 

Hyunjin pulled back. Seungmin’s mind begun racing, what did he do wrong? Why did Hyunjin stop? 

“Minnie…We should stop.” Hyunjin sounded disappointed, with a slight annoyance in his tone. 

“Why? What did I do wrong?” Seungmin’s airy voice was layered with desperateness. 

“What!? Oh. Baby. You did nothing wrong. Just- I’m afraid to continue… I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or pressured.” Hyunjin patted Seungmin’s head. “I worry for you.” Seungmin felt robbed really. He really didn’t know what he wanted. He wanted Hyunjin, but how much of Hyunjin is a mystery. 

“But…I like kissing you.” Seungmin could feel the heat warming his face. He hates saying this lovely dovey stuff aloud. Hyunjin gasped. 

“You do? Well. I can’t let my puppy go hungry.” Hyunjin teased. As he placed a delicate kiss on Seungmin’s head, then another on his nose, with the addition of both cheeks and finally rested his forehead on Seungmin’s. “I think I like you Kim Seungmin.” Hyunjin breathed out. Seungmin giggled as Hyunjin’s long hair tickled his face.

“Well. Not enough if you can’t even give me what I want.” Seungmin sassed. Hyunjin without further a due kissed Seungmin’s lips again. Once he broke the connection Hyunjin laid down hugging into Seungmin’s side. 

“I still want to confess to you tomorrow; at Yorkview park.” Hyunjin pouted while leaning on Seungmin’s chest. 

“I guess we will find out my answer tomorrow.” 

“Ha! But I already know your answer.” 

“Do you?”

“Don’t I?” Hyunjin’s voice trembled a little. 

“Of course you do. Drama Llama.” 

“Hey. I resent that remark.” 

“Sure you do.”

“Shut up! I’m sleeping now. Good night.” 

“Goodnight. My prince.” Hyunjin definitely heard the smirk behind that goodnight, but before he could linger on anything else he was quickly was succumbed to unconsciousness.  

…

His chest was violently shaking. Every time he breathed it was like thousands of needles being thrusted into his front. Then the coughing started he had thought he was going to die on numerous occasions his ribs felt broken. Wondering if Chan would find him. What his parents would think. Spots of red painted his palms as he coughed into them wanting to suppress as much noise as possible from his parents. 

I.N was barely able to stand. But managed to stumbled towards the bathroom. 

“Innie baby. Your father and I are going away for the business trip. Will you be okay by yourself?” I.N’s mother called out. I.N should say no. I.N should cry and say he feels like he is dying, but then I.N is already such a burden in his parents eyes. I.N knows he can’t. 

“I’ll be fine!” I.N called out with as much strength he could muster. 

I might die today…

“Okay be back in a week or two.” His mother called back. I.N heard the closing of the front door, and the sound of his parents car engines start. I.N melted towards to floor. He Knew he wasn’t well enough for school. He knew the others would be worried if he didn’t show up. He needed an excuse. 

His parents are gone. Maybe he just went with them. 

I can text Jisung. 

Hannie 

Innie: Hey Hannie. I wanted to tell you that I’ve gone on a trip with my parents. They finally said I could go on a business trip with them and when they have time show me around Jeju. I’ll be back sometime next week. Okie.  

Hannie: WOW! That’s cool news Have fun Innie!!!!!!

It was done. I.N had planned his excuse. No one will be bothered by him. At least that’s what he thinks. 

…

Lee Know was staring at Han as he slept. Then Han stirred and crack one eye open. 

“Hey. How are you feeling now after sleeping?” Lee Know said. 

“Mmmm a bit better.” Han sat up his hair pulling in all different directions. “My head hurts.” Han said as he wiped the crusty sleep dust from his eyes.

“That’s to be expected after crying a lot.” Lee Know stood up from the bed. 

“Where are you going?” Han said in a panic and reaching out to only to fail in grabbing Lee Know.

“I’m hungry.” 

“Oh.” Han glanced down at the bed sheets. Pulling his arms back and bundling up the sheets in his lap. “So You’re leaving? I see.” Lee Know raised an eyebrow. 

“Hannie. I’m going to make us breakfast. Which by the way your mother came in here last night. I told her you haven’t been sleeping well so we thought if I was here you might sleep better, and it worked I guess.” Lee Know giggled. Han was stunned. By how Lee Know could laugh after the shit that happened yesterday and by the fact he just had the best night’s sleep in forever while sleeping in the same bed with Minho.  

Lee Know started walking out of the door, but zipped back in hurriedly heading towards Han. Han panicked. Did he do something wrong. Lee Know bend over to be on the same eye level, as he hand dipped the bed down a bit. Lee Know lend closer. Too close for comfort in Han’s opinion. 

“I forgot to ask, toast or pancakes?” Lee Know asked while a smirk. Han blinked. And blinked again. 

“Definitely pancakes. With strawberries and lots of chocolate topping.” Han’s lips formed a wide smile. 

“Good. I love seeing that smile.” Lee know said as he walked out of the door.

What!? He loves my smile…that’s weird to say right?! To a friend…is it?! Am I reading to much into this. I am. Honestly Han Jisung. What are you to do with myself?

As he was sitting on the bed wondering in his own head his phone pinged. Han stretched over to unplug it from his charger. It was a message from I.N. So, of course Han answered. Happy to know that I.N will be having a fun week. Then suddenly his nose was hit with the most wonderful sweet and vanilla scent. 

Mmmm. Pancakes.

…

Hyunjin yawned while stretching his arms and legs out on the bed, but all that came to a sudden stop once he heard a mumble next to him. That’s when Hyunjin realised that he forgot that he and Seungmin shared the bed last night. Also, Hyunjin couldn’t be anymore surprised being awake before Seungmin. 

Seungmin’s breathing was like music to his ears. So peaceful. So relaxing. So safe. When thinking back to last night Hyunjin’s face flushed with pink. 

My god- we are so cringy. Kim Seungmin…

A smile graced Hyunjin’s lips as he stared at Seungmin with fondness. Then…

Oh Shit! I forgot. I’m going to confess today. My god- my hair. He can’t see just yet.  

Hyunjin unceremoniously fell from the bed. He jumped up and turned to see if Seungmin was awake and to his relief he was not. Hyunjin bounced out the door, and pulled his track pants and t-shirt from yesterday off to jump in the shower. 

He washed his hair making sure today it was fluffy and clean. 

After he got out he went to the mirror. The horrid monster still clear as day staring back at him, but a bit of Hyunjin was there. The Hyunjin that needed to look his best today. Hyunjin washed his face and spread the shaving cream over his face. Hyunjin picked up the razor and stared at it for a moment, then proceeded to shave. No cuts today. Which was a surprise and an omen for a good day. At least that’s what Hyunjin hoped for. 

He continued with his aftercare and brushed his teeth. 

Seungmin loves clean and pretty teeth. Plus good smelling minty breath. 

Hyunjin got dressed and wore a white cardigan with light coloured blue jeans. It was meant to be cold so he also pulled a coat over his arm. He placed a bucket hat on, which didn’t help to cover his hair much but it was better than nothing and proceeded to leave the dorm, after grabbing his painting for Seungmin and his grade papers. 

He didn’t see Seungmin, but he made sure to leave a note saying to meet him at Yorkview at 11am.  

Hyunjin stumbled out of the door. He had a plan. He was going to go to Seungmin’s favourite bakers. (Even though that’s Felix, but Felix isn’t always ready to make a complex dessert). 

“One green tea bon delicieux please.” Hyunjin asked the cashier. 

“Sure. Here you go. That will ₩15000.” 

Hyunjin handed over the cash and left the bakery. 

It’s still early, but he went to Yorkview park anyway. It’s 10:30am and knowing Seungmin he will definitely be punctual. 

Hyunjin waited. About 5 minutes before he arrived. No. Not Seungmin. Someone far worse and he brought company. 

“Well well well. Hyunjin. Fancy meeting you here. Love what you’ve done with the hair.” 

Hyunjin froze. Why now? Why him? God why can’t you give me a break? 

“Junho…What are you doing here? Go away. I’m busy.” Hyunjin stood his ground. They can hurt that monster Hyunjin sees in the mirror, but he won’t allow them to hurt the little part of what is left of Hyunjin. 

“Don’t be like that. I’m here because we usually hang around here. I tried contacting you so many times, but you ignored me.” They came closer towards Hyunjin. Hyunjin unconsciously took a step backwards, but in doing so a hand latched onto his bucket hat detaching it from his head and then another hand grabbed his hair and pulled on his scalp. Hyunjin let out a high pitched whine. “Do you know how that makes me feel? Hmm you ignoring me? Ignoring your pal. It hurt me.” Junho pulled Hyunjin’s hair towards the ground, and Hyunjin followed hitting the concrete, giving him a sense of dèjà vu. Hyunjin’s brain felt as if it had been throw around making him feel disoriented. Also, making him drop the dessert and painting. “What’s this?” Junho picked up the dessert and clicked his tongue once discovering the contents. He threw it back on the ground and stepped on it right beside Hyunjin’s face. Hyunjin’s eyes grew with disbelief. 

How could he-

“And what is this? Looks like a painting.” Junho had let go on Hyunjin’s hair already and started examining the painting. While the other two laughed and ripped Hyunjin’s bag off his back kicking his spine causing Hyunjin to yelp in pain, and bring his arm and hand to apply pressure to his back in hopes to ease the ache.

“Please not the picture.” Hyunjin begged with a grunt. “Anything but that.” Hyunjin’s eyes pricked with tears and a dull and stabbing ache still clouded his scalp, but he felt more pain towards thinking what Junho might do to the present for Seungmin. 

A laughed echoed in Hyunjin’s ears. 

“Please- oh please anything but that.” Junho mocked with a high pitched tone. “Did you give us any mercy when all we tried to do was give you everything you needed. Status and a good fucking. Come on you fucking asshole. Like you deserve any mercy.” Then a click sound made it way to Hyunjin’s ears and he stared with horror as Junho held something shiny and just small enough to fit in his palm. 

A pocket knife… no. NO!

“No! Please don’t do it.” Hyunjin cried out. He stumbled up, but two pairs of hands grabbed him and held him down in place. Hyunjin couldn’t watch. He tried thrashing his legs and arms to escape but it was all for not. He couldn’t fight them. He couldn’t watch his piece be destroyed. 

Junho teased him slowly piecing the air towards the painting but then drawing the knife back like some sick game. Hyunjin moved his head to side so he didn’t have to look, but one of the pairs of hands grab his head and forced it in place to watch the scene unfold. Fresh tears kept replacing the old ones. 

W-why? That’s for Seungmin and Seungmin did nothing wrong. He’s innocent. You monster… No… this is all my fault…this wouldn’t be happening if…i-if I had just listened to him. I’m a fucking monster. I’m not worth your love Seungmin. 

Junho finally slid the knife down the middle of the painting. Tearing it in half just like Hyunjin’s heart. Then Junho proceeded to slash at the painting while laughing and giggling. Hyunjin’s gaze was drawn towards the concrete path. The sound of ripping and tearing filled Hyunjin’s ears and he was lost. Once Junho had finished with the painting. He barked orders for the two he was with.

“Empty his bag.” Junho said and the two did as they were told. They found his report card. “Hmm. Passing subjects now are we? Wow! Hyunjin I never knew you had it in you. Who said an old dog can’t learn new tricks?” Tear. Hyunjin heard the tears and rips again. His hard work being destroyed in front of him. “Look at me when I’m speaking to you. God damn it.” Hyunjin almost didn’t feel it. A sharp pain across his face. His cheek must be painted bright red. “ I said look at me.” Hyunjin didn’t . He just kept his gaze to the ground. His limbs had crumbled and had no fight left. Like a puppet with no strings attached. “Hold him down.” Now those strings were being pulled. A click made it’s way to Hyunjin hears. “Since you won’t look at me. Then I’ll make sure when you look in the mirror you’ll be reminded of me.” A spit second Hyunjin felt panic, but then he easily gave up. What was the point. He lost. Junho won. Hyunjin’s gaze was still on the ground, as he felt his hair being pulled. Locks of his own hair dropped. Blond hair was everywhere. After what felt like forever. Hyunjin didn’t feel as if his brain was being pulled in different direction, instead he was alone. 

Hyunjin couldn’t remember how long ago they left, but he didn’t have the strength to stay on his knees so he fell forwards. Onto the concrete. 

“Hyunjin?…Hyunjin! HUNJIN!!!!” Hyunjin knows that voice, and he hates the fact they sound so distraught. That voice is usually so calm and smoothing. “Jinnie. Oh my god.” The voice gasped. “Hyunjin. I’m so sorry. I should have come earlier.” Hyunjin could hear sobs. I have never heard this voice sob before like this. It hurts. To hear it like this. Why can’t I move? Why am I so pathetic?  

…

“You didn’t need to drop me off.” Han said as he averted his gaze from Lee Know’s. 

“Yeah, no. I need to make sure you are still alright. I’ll get going, but say hi to Bang Chan and Binnie for me.” Lee Know tapped Han’s shoulder and went to walk home. 

“Minho -“

“Please call me Lee Know. I prefer that.” Lee Know felt better now Han knew his preferred name, but next time the group is all together Lee Know knows he’s going to have to spill everything regarding Sujin and his past for the safety of the others and himself. Lee Know waved Han off. 

Han whispered bye, but he doubts Lee Know heard it. He took a deep breath. Han needed to focus on song writing now. 3racha is really making progress. Han has been having the most amazing time as 3racha, but clouds of inevitable destruction loom over. It won’t last forever. He knows sooner or later something bad is going to happen. 

Changbin seems to be running late, therefore Han asks Chan “Do you guys really consider me a friend? I mean a friend that will stay?” 

 “Of course we do Han.” A line appears between his eyebrows. “Why do you ask?”  

Before Han could elaborate further Changbin walks in. Changbin aggressively sits down on the red couch. Jisung stares at Changbin unsure whether he should ask because Changbin seems pissed. His body language, the whole vibe Changbin brought into the room screamed ‘Im pissed.’ But Han knew he needed validation from his friends. He needed a sense of belonging. 

“Binnie? You consider me as a real friend right?” Han asked quietly. 

“I don’t want to answer right now. I’m still deciding.”

“What?! but the other day y-you said-” 

“I don’t care what I said that’s in the past I changed my view, Han. Right now You are the problem. You are in the way.” Changbin avoids all eye contact and before Chan could intervene Changbin slammed the door and was gone.

Han couldn’t believe it. All this crap is happening and now Changbin doesn’t like him. Wh-what if he knows? What if what Changbin said the other day was all a lie.  Han eyes go wide in panic. He brings his hands up to his head chanting no. Han pulls on the front of his hair. 

“No. No. No. No. No. No.” Han whispers over and over again.  

“Han. Hey Hannie.” Chan tried to gain Han’s attention he even takes hold of both his hands that are still pulling at his hair. Chan gently pulls as if to say let go, and when Jisung does Chan guides his hands to Jisung’s lap. “Look at me Han.” 

Han does as he’s told not really knowing what else to do. Han can feel the weight of his own eyes. Taste the dryness of his own throat. 

“You may be a stray and a kid, but you are so much more than that. You are like family to me. Hannie. You really are an amazing friend. You helped Hyunjin study. Made sure Felix has a best friend. You hung out with Innie with I was being a complete douche. You helped Changbin and I with producing music. And most of all you helped Minho open up. Han… you’re incredible and you are my friend and will be forever. We are brothers now. Its a life time thing.” Chan remained serious throughout his whole speech, but at the end he smiled in a fun matter. Which gave light to Han’s face, but that plummeted into darkness a second later. Chan didn’t expect Han’s next words. 

“Even if I’m the bad guy Hyung?” Han looked up into Chan’s eyes with a dark stare, yet a shimmer of hope is seen by Chan. A hope Jisung wishes everyone could see as clear as day. A hope. A light. That screams good. 

“What do you mean?” Chan inquires. 

“I did something. I feel guilty about Hyung, but I can’t tell anyone. But ‘m afraid you guys will know the truth from the wrong person and then I’ll be thrown on the side like trash just like every group of friends I’ve had did.” Chan was offended, but honoured at the same time. Chan used his thumb to stroke Han’s hand for comfort.  

“Well…Han we aren’t like every group of friends. We all have secrets too. You are more like Lee Know than I thought” Han hummed in surprised.

“I remember him telling me something he must tell everyone.” 

“Wait you know Lee Know?

“Yeah. I found out yesterday when I found out Jin was Sujin.” Chan felt like he was punched in the face. Jin was the one Han had a crush on, but turned out to be Sujin. Jisung must feel destroyed after knowing that, and with Changbin acting the way he did didn’t help the situation anymore. 

“Oh…Hannie. Come here.” Chan spread his arms out. “You must be so overwhelmed. I’m sure Changbin didn’t mean anything about what he said earlier either. He’s just a hothead. And well Sujin…I’m sorry…” 

“Hyung… I liked him. Jin…but he turned out to be someone bad. What am I to do? I don’t deserve you guys. I’m not bad enough to be with people like him, but not good enough to be with you.”

 Han could feel his leg bouncing and his sweating dripping down his back, but Chan’s invite was too tempting so Han plunged right in for the hug. Han felt his whole body shake as he cried into Chan’s chest. Chan could fee his shirt getting soaked by tears and snot. Did he care? No. He didn’t. He only cared about if his friend was okay.

…

No producing got done by all of 3racha today, but once Han left. Chan worked on some himself. 

Someone opened the door allowing light to seep into the dark room. Chan wasn’t very impressed. He was lost in his music but unfortunately now has been pulled from his creative flow. He turned in his chair. The lights flickered on. Yuna stood by the switch. 

“Hiya Chan. I thought I’d come visit.” She smile with her brows tilting upwards in apologetic way. “I want to apologise to you.” 

“For?” Chan could smell the bullshit lingering in with the mixture of perfume. 

“I ignored you and treated you like a plaything. I played you, and only now have my eyes been opened. I think… I think I really love you.” Chan was surprised. Has Yuna really understood the pain she brought to him. Does she really feel guilty? Does she really love him? Can Chan return those feelings? 

“I see. Thank you Yuna. I forgive you.” Chan let his facial features soften and a small smile grace his lips. Yuna sighed in relief. 

“So whatya working on? Can I hear?” Yuna asks as she strolls up beside Chan. She has never showed any interest before maybe she really has changed? 

“Yeah, here put these on.” Chan handed over the headphones to her, then hit play. She hummed with content, as she listened. Chan was pleased that Yuna was enjoying it, but something didn’t feel right. Like something was off. His thoughts gravitated towards I.N. Chan wonders how’s he doing? Wonders if he is getting more surgery? Chan should check up on him, even if they are still not on good terms. He doesn’t want to be like this. He feels the need to apologise to I.N again and hold onto the younger. 

“Wow! Channie it was amazing. You are so talented. Are you gonna release it?” Yuna asks.

“Soon. When I finish the melody. By melody I mean record a singer for it.” Chan states. 

“I could sing for you.” Yuna’s face lights up in hope. Chan knows Yuna can’t sing well. He has heard her in the shower enough times, but he can’t think of an excuse. He stares at her for too long and her face scrunches up. Then Chan thinks harder, and hits a light bulb moment. 

“I would love for you to sing, but…how do I tell you. I kinda need a male vocal for the song.” Yuna’s face loosens into a more neutral expression.

“Oh.” Is all she says. “Okay. Are you done for tonight? Let’s go upstairs.” She says with a grin whilst pulling on Chan’s arm. 

Chan follows her upstairs. Chan almost trips several times in doing so. They reach Chan’s bedroom and Yuna pulls him in. Connecting their lips. Pressing their body together. She sticks her tongue inside his mouth, but Chan let’s her. Why doesn’t this feel right? Why do I not want this? Yuna pushes Chan onto the bed, and she unbutton’s her blouse; revealing a pink lacy bra. Chan doesn’t even feel a twitch in his pants. He doesn’t feel anything from this. 

Yuna bends down and guides her hand over Chan’s clothed crotch. Chan felt the warmth of her hand run over it, but still nothing. He can’t get hard, and he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t want to offend Yuna, but this is just the case. Chan can’t get hard. Just as Yuna was about to unbuckle his belt Chan’s phone pinged. The blue light emitting the area around the bedside table. 

“Forget Chan. Please. I want all your attention.” Yuna whined. 

“Sorry. It could be important.” Chan heard her click her tongue. He reached over to his phone. Jisung sent him a text about I.N going away with his parent on a business trip and Chan was so relieved. Chan knew I.N had a troubled relationship with his parents but to know that he will be spending quality time with them makes him happy for the younger, yet another emotion takes hold of Chan’s heart. Almost suffocating him. This feeling he can’t name, but it hurts knowing he won’t be able to see I.N at school pained him greatly. 

“What’s wrong?’ Yuna asks. Chan looks at her, and tries to throw the emotions and thoughts about I.N to the back of his mind. 

“Nothing. It’s great news actually.” Chan smiled sadly.

“If it’s so great then why do you look like you’ve been through a heartbreak?” Yuna frowned. Chan didn’t know why. Chan didn’t have a reason to feel this way. Then Yuna persisted. She unbuckled chan’s jeans and slide them off, as if it’s common daily occurrence. She gets her hands to travel under Chan’s shirt to his pecks. She squeezes his nipples a little and Chan does not feel good. He feels nauseous, sweat appearing on his forehead. His stomach was turning and his back was aching. He wanted to vomit. 

“Stop! Please Yuna stop.” Chan grabs her hands and pushes them away. Yuna’s face drops. She looks devastated. “I just can’t do this right now.” 

“And why not? Am I not pretty enough for you? Come on all guys want this.” Chan couldn’t believe what Yuna just said. A fire lit his stomach, but he didn’t shout. He breathed and remained calm. 

“Yuna. I understand you want it, but I have boundaries too, and right now I’m tired and need rest.” Chan calmly gets up and goes to the bathroom. He just needs a minute to himself. He feels weird. Usually he would jump at opportunity to have sex, but it just didn’t feel right. 

Chan went to the sink and looked up to the mirror. His reflection looked confused. He was torn. He really doesn’t understand why he can’t get hard for his girlfriend and feels distraught about his friend leaving and having a good time with his parents. He doesn’t harbour any romantic feelings for his friend right? It’s little Innie Chan’s little brother. How can he? But the other day when he was pleasuring himself. I.N made him…and then at school thinking about it got him hard. Chan groaned with frustration, between his glittered teeth and used his palms to put pressure on his eyelids.

Chan then left the bathroom. Yuna had fallen asleep on his bed already, therefore Chan decided to take the cushion I.N gifted to him and take it downstairs to the studio. He went back to work for a few more hours. Like Chan could sleep. 

…

“Hyunjin?” Seungmin leaned closer to where Hyunjin laid. Seungmin had taken him back home. Now, Hyunjin was rested on Seungmin’s bed. 

Why couldn’t I have been sooner? Why am I always too late Hyunjin…

Seungmin heard a faint groan leave Hyunjin’s mouth, and Hyunjin’s eyelids started to move. “Jinnie? You awake? Do you need anything? I’ll get you some water.” 

“Minnie…” Seungmin almost didn’t hear him. It was so quiet. 

“Yes, Hyunjin I’m here. You are alright? I got you.” Seungmin grabbed Hyunjin’s hands and knelt to the ground with his torso leaning on the bed. Hyunjin’s eyes winced as it was exposed to light. Hyunjin took sometime to wake. He slowly sat up with the help of Seungmin of course. Hyunjin started blankly at his and Seungmin’s hands. He didn’t know what to think. Except for the events that had happened. Why Junho did that he didn’t know. Hyunjin’s lips fell unnaturally into a frown. 

“Hyung…” Seungmin tore his hands away, but was back in an instance, but with tissues dabbing them onto Hyunjin’s cheeks. “I’m sorry… I should have come sooner. What happened? Can you tell me? Can you talk?” Seungmin looked so concerned. 

Hyunjin raised a hand his scalp was itchy and when he went to scratch he noticed chunks of his hair missing, leaving bald spots in multiple places. Hyunjin slowly lowered his hand back to where it was before. 

“Don’t look at me Minnie…I’m hideous. I’m a monster.” Hyunjin begged quietly, as his shoulder shook. 

“You aren’t hideous or a monster. To me you’re Hyunjin. All I can see is Hyunjin. All of you.” Hyunjin smiled sadly at Seungmin. 

“Then you can’t love me…” Seungmin gasped at what Hyunjin was implying. “Seungmin you deserve to love someone who will take care of you and isn’t weak.” 

“Shut the fuck up right now. I don’t want to hear such crap come out of your mouth. Jinnie…you don’t understand. I love you. That’s it. Whether you like it or not. I will always love you. I saw your hair as you fell out of bed this morning and loved it and it will grow out, and I’m so sorry what they did too you. Especially tearing up the painting, but I’m just glad you are safe. Hyunjin if they had done anything to- I could never forgive myself.” Seungmin had grabbed both sides of Hyunjin’s cheeks as he spoke he looked Hyunjin directly in the eyes. 

Hyunjin just stared at Seungmin. “H-how can you love me so much Seungmin? I just don’t understand.” 

“They say a butterflies can’t see their wings. Well Hyunjin your wings are most intriguing and beautiful things I’ve ever laid my eyes upon.” Seungmin hugged Hyunjin. Hyunjin gasped and hugged back slowly letting himself wail out his tears. Hyunjin wanted Seungmin and himself to live together in each others hearts forever. Even if he didn’t deserve Seungmin. He can’t deny Seungmin anything even himself. 

“I’m sorry about your present, and not being able to confess.” Hyunjin apologised. 

“Please don’t apologise. I still want that confession. Right now. I want it. Are you gonna deny your puppy.” Seungmin pouted and whined like a puppy. 

“Who are you and what did you do to Seungmin?” Hyunjin’s eyes almost fell out of his head. 

“That’s all the aegyo you get from me.” Seungmin’s face remained neutral and Hyunjin sighed in relief. 

“Kim Seungmin. Will you be my boyfriend?” Hyunjin gulped as he said it. Even though he knows Seungmin’s answer it’s still kinda nerve wracking. 

“Yes Hwang Hyunjin. I will be your boyfriend.” Seungmin didn’t waste anymore time before licking his lips then connecting them to Hyunjin’s. Hyunjin returned the kiss of course, but Seungmin disconnected first. “Hyunjin. I want to be your anchor. I want to be here for you. If anything troubles you. I’m here. If anything scares you. I’m here. If anything excites you. I’m here. If you want to share anything. I’m here. Always. For you.” Hyunjin couldn’t help it hearing Seungmin say he would do all this for him overwhelmed him with happiness. He let tears race and compete down his cheeks. Too many racing against each other. But none won, as Seungmin vanquished it all with one graceful slide on his thumb. Seungmin delicately kissed the tracks of the competitors. 

“Thank you Seungmin.” Hyunjin wrapped his arms around Seungmin, as tightly. He never wanted to let go. 

… 

The cafeteria held tension. The group sat in their usual spot. Felix looked like his normal self especially after hearing about Jin from the group chat. Now Felix didn’t have to worry about Jin. Felix could confess and be with Jisung, but Felix had noticed Changbin become distant. Usually Changbin would reply immediately to Felix when he sent him a TikTok or a text, but the last two days he still hasn’t replied. 

“So…I want to celebrate my birthday.” 

“What!?” Chan questioned enthusiastically. 

“I was thinking this weekend? At Chan’s house.” 

“Like I said What!?” Chan was perplexed. “You never want to celebrate it Minho. Why the sudden change of heart?” 

“It’s good opportunity to express myself.” Lee Know kept his usual stone face plastered. Everyone shrugged and agreed. 

“Wait I didn’t agree to hold it at mine.” Chan stated. 

“Oh so I can’t then?” Lee Know tilted his head with a slight pout. Chan doesn’t know why, but Lee Know’s head tilts are adorable and a weapon he knows how to use too well. 

“Fine you can.” Lee Know then smirked and his eyes looked through his eyebrows like a predator making him look every feline like, as soon as Chan answered. Lee Know knew he had Chan wrapped around his little finger with just an innocent head tilt of ignorance and a small pout for sympathy. Oh no. Lee Know held the power. 

“I.N should be back by then too.” Han grinned, he took a glance towards Changbin, Changbin hadn’t said a word to Han since yesterday at Chan’s. Han had no idea what to do. All he knows is that he will figure it out by the end of this school week so it’s not awkward at Lee know’s party. Han then glanced behind Changbin to a group and their leader who he now recognises as Sujin, and with Sujin is Issa. The rest of their group look at Han; some looked in pure disgust and others questioning gazes. Han started to feel nauseous and disoriented. He needs to leave. Immediately. So, He gets up and runs. Everyone who he crosses paths with looked at him the same way as people did in the other schools he was at. He was a freak. A murderer. He found a toilet stall. Opened it and shut himself behind it. His bag hit the floor and Han was puking. Holding the sides of the toilet trying to support himself. Then he heard a knocking. He prayed it wasn’t Issa or Sujin. He wouldn't cope. How can you come to school now with them a few meters across form him every lunch? How can Jisung come to school when it’s just a chance to be reminded of what he is. The handle of the stall moved, but it’s locked they can’t get it. Han was safe for now. 

“Hannie? It’s me. Lee Know are you alright?” Han’s thoughts come to a halt. Lee Know was here. He didn’t have to fight it alone- but what if Lee Know was to find out the truth? He would treat him so differently. Like the plague. Something he can’t touch, or he might get infected. “Hannie? I need to know you are alright? Everyone is worried. You just ran off without saying anything. I know it’s to do with Sujin. I know how hard it is to be only meters away from the guy, but trust me it’s been a lot easier since you came here.” Lee Know leaned his back on the door, and slid down it. Sitting on the ground. “I’ll just be here if you need me though, but you’re not alone.” Han has never had someone check up on him this way and truely understand. Han placed his hand gently on the door with Lee Know just on the other side. Han felt a few stray tears, but he couldn’t allow Lee Know to hear. Not now. Not yet. He wants to remember what it’s like to have a friend who likes and trusts you. Han’s chest ached so much and he could feel his body shaking and he brought his hand up to cover one eye he could feel this eyebrows twitch under it. Nothing he did could stop the tears. They spent most of the next period in the bathroom, just as they were. 

… 

The bell dismissed classes for the day. Han felt better having gotten through the day alive. Felix was waiting for him. 

“Hey Lix.” Jisung greeted.
“Are you okay? Running off like that at lunch. You scared all of us.” Felix reprimanded his best friend. 

“Sorry. Just needed some air. I guess. What’s brings you here?” Jisung raised a brow. 

“Oh! Well I need to talk with you.” Felix fidgeted with the strap of his school bag and bounced on the balls of his feet. “I was hoping somewhere private.” 

“Hey Hannie.” Lee Know walked towards the two. “I just need to hand in a paper then we can go. Oh! Is Felix coming with us?” 

“Minho! No I just need to speak with Hannie. After he can go with you.” Felix raised his hands in defence. Lee Know smirked then walked towards the teachers lounge. 

Felix was already pulling Han with him. Felix led him to behind the dance studio. 

“So What did you need to talk about Lix?” Han frowned and raised his eyebrows in concern. “Does it have anything to do with Changbin? Because if he is being mean to you as well. I swear I will rip him new one-“ Han raised his fist in the air as if he was preparing for battle, but Felix immediately started to pull it down. 

“No Hannie… I wanted to ask you something.” Han made a confused sound. “Han…I-I like you!” Felix’ face was bright red, flushed pink that highlighted his freckles, but Han didn’t understand. He liked Felix, but as a twin, as a brother. Not a lover. 

“Oh. Felix…I- I can’t return those feelings. I’m trying to get over Jin, and sort things through in my head, and I don’t feel that way towards you. You are my twin. My brother. You understand right?” Han knew that with his face scrunched up the way it was could be misread as disgust or pity, but Jisung just feels confused. Felix’ mouth formed an O. His eyes begun to puff up and turn red. “Please Felix. I don’t want to hurt you.”  

“I know…I know. Just it hurts.” Felix smiled, with a clenched jaw. He still smiled. “You are my best friend and always will be, but I guess just nothing more. God. I feel like an idiot. I’ll get going. You have a fun time with Minho. See you tomorrow maybe.” Felix stumbled backwards, but readjusted his footing and sped off. 

“Oh Lix…” Han whispers to himself. “I’m so sorry…”

…

Felix felt the hot tears glide off his face as he ran. He was running home, back to his run down apartment. He almost bumped into someone, as he sprinted down the hallway of the school. He thought he heard someone say his name, but Felix didn’t care. He needed to be alone. I guess there is a first for everything. 

You stupid, stupid, stupid. Of course he doesn’t love you Felix. What’s there to love?

Felix kept running. His lungs felt as if they were on fire by the time he arrived to his apartment’s front door. He stood there for a moment trying to catch his breath. Tears still fell from his eyes. Then he opened the door. To the same dull and empty apartment. At least he had his solitude to cry as much as he wants. Usually if he’s upset he would just bake something, but he doesn’t even have the heart to look over to the kitchen. Right now, Felix wants something warm to cuddle. He wishes for something to pat his head and tell him it’s going to be alright. He wants something check up on him. He needs someone. He really wishes Han shared the same feelings, but happily ever after's doesn’t exist. Felix knows that now. Felix will never get over Han. Han…Felix’ first love. 

…

“Han… I just saw Felix running and he looked really upset what happened?” Lee Know asked with a line draw between his brows. When Han turned around tears rolled gently down his puffy cheeks. Which looked adorable to Lee Know, but also broke his heart at the same time. “What happened?” Lee Know swiped Han’s tears away. 

“I’m sorry…” Han broke with loud sobs as he reached out tightly grabbing a hold of the back of Lee Know’s shirt. “I’m so sorry…Felix…” Lee Know let his chin sit on the top of Han’s head as he rocked Han back and forth for comfort. 

Man I really have become a pro in comforting now. Poor Hannie. He will tell me when he’s ready. 

Chapter Text

“Hey Han…It will be okay.” Lee Know tried to reassure Han after Lee Know sat him on his bed. Lee Know could only think to bring him back to his own house. 

“I’ve never had anyone confess to me before…” Han said with a wavering tone as his  unfixed eyes stared at the wall looking past Lee Know. 

Lee Know needed to grab Han’s attention and pull him from his destructive thoughts, but the only thing going through his mind was of Sujin. 

“I confessed to someone once…” 

Han slowly started to now focus his vision and attention on Lee Know. 

“Who?” Han’s face scrunched in disbelief. 

Lee Know sniggered in memory. 

“Sujin…”

“Oh…” Han’s eyes softened and his face fell in realisation. He kept his head tilted downwards ashamed about having brought up the topic of him. 

“Han…you were right in rejecting Yongbok. Otherwise none of it would have been real and would’ve hurt Yongbok so much more in the long term. I-I know because that happened to me…” 

Han tilted his head. “To you? You mean Sujin hurt you like that?” Lee Know nodded solemnly. 

“Han…It wasn’t just Sujin…but all his friends too…” Lee Know raised up his shirt to reveal his stomach. A deep scar ran across it. Han’s mouthed opened in shock. 

“He did that to you?” 

“They did this to me.” Lee Know voiced which was layered in a harsh distain, but not towards Han. Towards those who damaged him. 

Han patted the bed next to him. Lee Know did as the squirrel boy commanded in silence. 

“I guess it started when…”

…

“I really like him Hyung.” Lee Know slyly smiled up to Chan. Chan was reading his textbook. Lee Know thought cornering his friend in the library to finally get an opinion about asking his crush out.

“I know you do. So go ask him out. Listen Lee. I gotta go, but call me if you need anything.” Chan packed up his studying equipment, then left the library. 

Okay Lee Know let’s go ask out your crush.

Lee Know made his way to the cafeteria to Sujin and his friends. They were all laughing about some game they had been playing, and Lee Know just loved hearing Sujin’s laugh. It was so smoothing and blissful to his ears. Like hearing the most relaxing stream of water mixed in with wild bird calls and the rustling of trees. It made Lee Know feel at peace, but right now. Lee Know could feel his heart hammering the inside of chest, as he walked up to Sujin rather casually, except for the unusual scratching of a mild itch on the back of his neck.

“Hey. Sujin…I was wondering if you wanted to catch a movie?” Lee Know stared at Sujin with hope and desperation. Lee Know’s throat felt closed up, yet he managed to choke out his invitation.  

Sujin looked at his friends next to him, then proceeded to look Lee Know up and down, and started laughing hysterically. Lee Know’s heart dropped to his stomach. Making it feel empty, no not empty something stabbed it like a needle sucking up all the excitement, trust and love. 

“A date? You think I want to go out with you. Oh… you are kidding. I’m not a faggot.” Sujin pretended to wipe a tear from his eye produced from laughing. Lee Know’s throat was dry. His head was spinning. 

I can’t do this. No this can’t be. Why? 

So Lee Know ran away. Ran home to his room. Sobbing. Dampening his pillow with each drop. 

He texted Chan saying how horrible it went, but no reply back. Lee Know felt utterly alone. So alone that intrusive thoughts took control of the steering wheel of his brain, and started driving off the side of the road. 

No one likes you. Look at you. Pathetic. You should just disappear. 

Lee Know was called for dinner with his family and ate like nothing happened. He forced a null expression. He mustn’t let people in. Or they will hurt him. 

After a few hours passed Lee Know received a message but not from Chan. From Sujin. 

Sujin: 

Hey Lee Know…I’m so terribly sorry, but I haven’t come out yet. I really like you…But I wasn’t ready, I still want to go out. Do you want to come over? 

As Lee Know reread the message for the 100th time. He was confused…or not. He understood Sujin’s actions now. He pretended to play it off, as a joke, yet this weird shaky feeling sat at the bottom of Lee Know’s stomach. Lee Know likes Sujin…or he did. Maybe it wasn’t too late, and Lee Know could help him through discovering his sexual identity. 

Lee Know:

Yeah! Totally. I’m sorry. I had no idea. I just assumed. I’ll be over in 20 min.

Lee Know couldn’t believe it. He was going to have a date at his crushes house. Lee Know felt his body shudder from electric sparks of giddiness. 

He ran downstairs saying that he is going to a friends house. Lee Know rushed out the door, and got on his bike and started peddling as fast as his bike could carry him. 

As Lee Know arrived at Sujin’s house all the lights were off. If Lee Know didn’t know any better then he would have thought that no one was home. He walked up the to the front doors. Hedges lined either side of the narrow front porch. 

Lee Know knocked.

Then he knocked again. 

Before he knocked a third time the handle turned, and the door opened. Sujin stood there with a casual hoodie and sweats. Lee Know couldn’t help up notice that his hair was tousled from laying down.

“Hey…” Lee Know gave a small wave.

“You came?” Sujin’s eyes widened in surprise. “You actually came.” A small smile appeared on his face, as he whispered the last part. 

“Sure I did. I want to apologise again. I really should have thought about your feelings. I’m so so so sorry.” Lee Know bowed. 

“All good. Make it up to me tonight. My parents aren’t home.” Sujin giggled.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Lee Know shifted his weight onto his other leg. 

“Never mind. Come on in.” Sujin stepped aside with the door to allow room for Lee Know to step inside. The house inside was dark. Lee Know could hardly see a thing. He could only just make out large furniture and what he assumed were stairs. “This way. My room is upstairs.” Sujin gently took Lee Know’s hand. Lee Know could feel his ears go red. 

It kinda feels like forbidden love, and we can’t tell our friends.

Lee Know couldn’t wipe off the huge smile that stained his face. He squeezed Sujin’s hand a little, then heard him laugh. 

“Cutie.” Sujin cooed. Lee Know felt so happy, so why was he so worried before. He feels happy and safe with Sujin. Sujin just carries that vibe, even though there is a layer of creepiness to him, yet Lee Know himself has been known to have a layer like that too. That’s what Chan and Changbin say anyway. 

Sujin led Lee Know into his own room. 

A flash.

It blinded Lee Know for a second or two, and he continuously blinked to readjust his eyes. One of them had a torch. That was used as a flash-bang.

5 of them gathered around Lee Know. 

What’s going on? Why?

Lee Know’s heart shattered there and then, as he glanced around averting his eyes between each boy. Panic filled Lee Know’s vision making sure none of them made a move to hurt him, as he stepped backwards almost out the door, until…

Two of them either side grab his arms and pulled him towards the bed. The lights still out and only a torch in the hand of one of Sujin’s friends. 

“W-what are you doing?” Lee Know’s voice broke, as he was pushed onto the soft sheets. Lee Know gulped, as Sujin stood closer to the bed. 

“Like I’d ever like you. You’re a gay retard.” Sujin almost whispered. Lee Know’s eyebrows knitted together in disbelief and fear. 

“What are you gonna do? Beat me up?” Lee Know spat. 

Sujin’s eyes held a amused glint, matched with a smirk. 

“Oh no. no. of course not. We aren’t brutes.” Sujin’s voice laced with a smoothing venom. Then he held his palm upwards. “Give it too me.” 

With that a gleam of silver reflected and Lee Know finally understood how much trouble he really was in. 

A knife? What the fu-

“So, since you wanted to fuck me. I must make sure you can’t do it to any other poor helpless boy.” 

“W-what do you mean?” Lee Know widened his eyes at the realisation. He gasped, but tried to cover it with his hand. “No…” Lee Know whispered. “You won’t get away wit-“

Lee Know gagged as it landed the stinging pain made his eyes water and his nose run. The pain came from a fist connected to Sujin, who punched him in the throat. Lee Know couldn’t breathe like he had been winded. He held a hand up to support his throat, only to result in a coughing fit. 

“Listen…and listen closely. No one cares about what will happen to you. Not ever. Now boys. Lift his shirt first.” The ones that grabbed his arms from earlier raised up Lee Know’s shirt with much resistance, as Lee Know was trashing his arms and legs the best he could, but the other two also joined in pinning Lee Know down. “First we start here.” Sujin said, as he gently dragged the knife on Lee Know’s lower stomach. “Then…we will make sure you turn into a girl. By cutting off your manhood. Besides a faggot like you won’t need it. Minho more like Mean Hoe.”

Lee Know’s heart was thumping aggressively he thought he would jump out his throat or chest and run away. 

They are psycho’s. Please… someone help… Fuck. I wanna go home… 

Lee Know didn’t want them to hear him cry. He wouldn’t allow them the pleasure. Silent tears rolled down from his eyes. Lee Know couldn’t tell if it was a couple of seconds or a couple of minutes of waiting until he felt something sharp puncture his lower stomach. He yelled out in pain. He couldn’t hold it in. He could feel the warm liquid within him leave. He could feel the trail fall down his side. He could hear the sickening laugh of Sujin and his friends. 

“Someone shut him up. Next door could probably hear him.” That sentence sparked an idea in Lee Know. 

He screamed as loud as he could in hopes someone could hear him. Someone could save him, yet not even a few seconds later something was shoved into his mouth. It was a soft material and it reeked of bad body odour, which made Lee Know gag, but the feeling was long gone as more pain was injected from his lower stomach. All hope was lost in Lee Know’s mind. No matter what he did. No one would save him. He himself couldn’t fight the 5 of them. He just had to sit here and take it, as they take away his future, his dignity and his trust. 

The sweat gleamed on Lee Know’s forehead and the sound heavy breathing was exhaling out his nose. Once the sharp stabbing was finished he could still feel the phantom feeling of the knife, but it was just bearable. Lee Know felt lightheaded and maybe it was the lack of blood and oxygen mixed with the panic attacks he wasn’t sure. 

“Remove his pants.” Lee Know didn’t care who said it, but panic set in again. He wanted to leave. He didn’t want to go through with this. 

Why me? What did I do? Please… someone please… Oh god…Please… help me… 

A few more tears silently escape his sockets. Two of the boys started pulling down his pants. 

“Dude…this is kinda fucked…” Lee Know heard one of them say. 

“Shut up. Do as you are told, and you won’t end up like this guy.” Lee know heard them whisper. That made Lee Know form more tears. He was exposed in mere seconds. The cool air hit against his deflated cock. 

“Oh god. It’s disgusting.” Sujin said. 

Lee Know felt exposed and violated. He tightly shut his eyes. He wanted to curl in a ball until rock back and forth until it is all over. Yet they still held him in place. He was gripping the sheets without mercy. Sujin’s laugh entered his ears, that old smoothing laugh become one of pure terror in just one day. 

“Time for your repentance.” Sujin held up the knife, and Lee Know closed his eyes tighter bracing for his whole future to end, but before any contact Lee Know heard something drop on the floor and two bodies along with it, and loud footsteps were quickly fading.

The sound of someone landing a punch, was followed by someone grunting in pain. Lee Know allowed himself to peek open one eye and then the other. To an empty room. 

What the-

The sounds came from the floor at the foot of the bed. Lee Know sat up. Muffling out a scream from how much his stomach caused him agony. Then he reached up and grabbed whatever had been stuffed into his mouth and took a look. Dirty socks. He threw them on the floor and moment, as well as a voice caught his attention.

“Fuck off! Don’t dare lay a finger on him again. You fucking bastard.” It was Chan’s voice Lee Know recognised. Tears fell faster and harder from relief. His prayers were heard. Chan had come to rescue him. Lee Know’s breath hitched, but at the thought of what had almost and had happened. Lee Know applied pressure to his wound, but when he looked back up all he saw was Sujin’s back running away. 

“Lee Know. Are you okay? Fuck of course you’re not. The ambulance is on it’s way. Hang in there.” Chan placed both hands on Lee Know’s biceps, yet Lee Know flinched at the action. Chan quickly retracted them. Lee Know stared at Chan with eyes filled with relief, and a smile graced his lips.

“Thank you Channie.” Lee Know whispered with as much energy he could muster. 

“I came straight here, after I went to your house to console you about the rejection, and I knew something was off in the group chat saying that they had a plan at Sujin’s house, but I got here. Sorry I couldn’t be here sooner.” 

Lee Know shook his head, and then people wearing the local hospital uniform flooded in with a stretcher. Lee Know didn’t remember much after that, but all that mattered was he was saved. 

…

Han gasped and was shredding tears of his own whilst listening to Lee Know’s story. Han had no idea Lee Know went through that. “I don’t know what to say…” Han said, as he could see Lee Know shaking, but he wouldn’t mention it.  

“Do you have to say anything? I don’t need pity. I should have told you sooner, then what happened between you and him wouldn’t have happened.” Lee Know tried to say. He couldn’t speak well, as his throat felt closed up and dry, but also on the other hand it was like Lee Know could feel a huge relief lift off his chest, but this relief was quickly dismissed. An invisible force still squeezed his heart from remembering the pain of what happened and maybe it would get easier if he told more of his friends, but he wasn’t sure.

“No…You have every right to keep that to yourself. You can’t force yourself to tell someone your trauma just so they don’t make the same mistake. Call me selfish, but you went through it already. Why do it again?” Han’s eyes held a glossy gleam, as he passionately stated his opinion. “Besides, I would never-“

“I’m not saying you or Yongbok are like Sujin…but I am saying that what you did was the right thing to do. Yongbok would have just ended up even more hurt and deep down so would you. Guilt would have consumed you.” 

“It already does.” Jisung’s face hardened as breathed out shakily. Lee Know’s eyebrows frowned, as Han averted his own eyes.  

“How so?” Lee Know’s eyes narrowed gently, as if he was seriously and secretly inviting Han to share. Han looked back to face him, and suddenly the thought of sharing his deepest darkest secret became real. Too real. No one could know. Sure. Han wanted someone to talk too, but he couldn’t tell Lee Know everything. Maybe just some of the story. Just the birthday party… that would be enough…right? 

“It was my birthday…” Lee Know hummed in encouragement. 

“It was meant to be a surprise party at my friend Issa’s house…Just him and I were going to hang out. Everyone else said they couldn’t make it…and it was going great until…”

…

“Happy Birthday Hanji!” Everyone jumped out causing Han to jump in surprise. 

“Thanks everyone. Sorry I’m late.” Han apologised, yet no one really acknowledged it. It kinda hurt Han’s ego, but it was his birthday so he tried not let that damper his day. It is his first birthday party. 

“How cool of your mom to allow us here Issa. Like you literally live in the middle of nowhere.” Mick laughed.

“Yeah. Well it’s all for Han’s birthday. So thank him for being born.” Issa averted the praise. Mick shrugged. 

“I’m starving.” Han announced quite loudly he looked around hoping everyone shared his thoughts, but all he received were guilty looking smiles or annoyed side glances. 

What’s going on here…

“We kinda already ate most of the party food since you were running late and we were all hungry, but hey…there are some crackers left, and some birthday cake.” 

They did cake without me?…I thought the birthday boy was meant to do blow out the candles…

“Oh. Okay.” Han forced a smile. He walked towards the table of food, and the table was almost empty. A few crackers, soggy fruit that had been laid on a paper towel which soaked the paper, making it stick to the fruit and half eaten cake. Han sighed, and took a cracker into his mouth, yet it was cracked pepper, which caused him to cough. 

He tried looking for water, but the jug was empty. Then he went to Issa’s mother and she checked the fridge. They only had some old pineapple juice. Han thought it was better than nothing. Han gulped a mouthful down. His throat closed on the sour taste. The acidity burned his tongue and down his throat. 

I guess…it’s better than nothing.

Issa’s mother apologised, but since they live in the country they don’t get much beverages and water is from water tanks which are limited. 

Don’t worry Hannie. You still have presents to look forward too and the movie. 

“Hey guys!” Han waved down his friends. Mick, Issa, Kira, Grey and Angus. “When do you guys want to do presents?” Han jogged towards them with a huge innocent looking smile. 

“Presents?” Mick asked. “We don’t do presents. Didn’t you know?” Han could feel his cheeks heat up red. 

“Oh. I must have forgot.” Han’s eyebrows frowned together. 

“Don’t worry, but the movie will be fun. Did you bring it?” Issa asked. Han’s mood brightened by the fact he got to share his favourite movie with his friends. 

“Yeah, I did. I brought 2012. It’s movie about a family surviving the world ending. It’s a great blockbuster. I even tried writing a soundtrack for it.” Han rambled on. 

“2012? Really?! That movie is too scary Han. You should know not all of us like scary movies.” Mick crossed his arms. “Why not watch something less scary like Harry Potter?” 

Han had anger flash past his vision, but he really did love Harry Potter, therefore he could deal with not watching 2012 if it was substituted for his beloved Harry Potter. Besides the reason why he became friends with Kira is because they both loved the series, and Mick, Kira and himself are the only ones that have watched it, therefore it would be a great experience for everyone of else to experience the first film. 

They all entered Issa’s bedroom where a small television was set up. “Let’s watch the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.” Mick suggested. Han’s eyebrows knotted together. 

“Wait. Why the third one? Half of us haven’t even watched the series. We should start from the beginning or they might not understand what’s happening.” Han tried to reason with Mick, he looked around gauging everyone’s reactions. They meekly stared at roof or the floor. 

“Well the third one is my favourite.” Kira intertwined is opinion. “And Grey doesn’t care what we watch. So let’s vote.” 

Fine…

Han gave an unimpressed sideways glance. 

“Who votes for watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban?” Mick asked. Issa, Kira, Grey, and Mick himself put their hands up. 

“I don’t really mind what we do.” Angus commented. Then everyone stared at Han. Han felt… small, he felt like everyone was against him. 

“Okay. I guess we are watching the third movie.” Han crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Oh. Han don’t be such a sour puss.” Issa said, as he put on the movie. The movie started and Han was beginning to fall asleep on the floor of Issa’s room. He only had a huge Queen double. It pretty much fit everyone, but Han. So, whilst everyone was up there, Han was banished to the wooden hard surfaced floor. He sighed. 

Set up his blanket and pillow to get comfortable and closed his eyes.

When Han opened them again, the ending credits were scrolling on the screen. He could hear the others talking and just before he was going to say ‘did you guys enjoy the movie?’ He heard something he wished he never did. 

“It’s so funny.” Han heard them all laughing. “Han thinks this was about his birthday party when it was just an accuse to hang out.” Everyone was laughing hysterically. 

“Dude. Shut up what if he hears you.” Han couldn’t catch who said it, but it didn’t matter. Han just wanted to go home. This was worst first birthday party. From no food, to no presents, and then this. They were right, this wasn’t about him. It was like he just tagged along. 

Han could feel his heart convulse, but he didn’t to stay quiet, if they heard him then it would be even more humiliating. Tears wet his pillow and soaked his cheek and hair on that side. He hoped that tomorrow he could go home as soon as possible. 

… 

“That’s it…It’s not as traumatising as what happened to you though…” Han gulped, as he rub his hands up and down his thighs.

“Umm what?! Han. Don’t ever put yourself down like that. Never compare past trauma. Your trauma is just as valid. And besides…you aren’t finished, so don’t put yourself down.” Han looked at Lee Know with wide eyes. 

“How-“ 

“How do I know there is more. It’s written all over your face. Plus, I know Issa provoked you with Mick, by using Sujin. I’m not stupid. I can hear, but don’t feel any pressure to tell me.” Han almost sighed in relief, as he stared forward not really at anything in particular. He appreciated talking about this. He was glad Lee Know was here. Especially since when they first met they got off on the wrong foot, yet now…They both understand and trust each other enough. That’s all they both asked was for people to trust.

“Thank you Minh- I mean Lee Know.” 

“Do you know why I prefer Lee Know?” Lee Know asked with a straight face. Han shook his head, as he faced Lee Know again. 

“It was because of a cruel nickname I was given…Mean Hoe…but the reason I didn’t tell you or anyone else, was because…I guess… not being able to trust. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone. I wanted too though, but I know it doesn’t make much sense does it?”  

“No I get it. Like a test.” Han placed a reassuring hand on Lee Know’s thigh.

“Yeah…Like a test.” Lee Know let a small side smile raise his cheek, as Han actually understood. Han understood everything to the point it was scary. 

Han stared up at Lee Know still sitting on his bed. A sad smile spread across his face. Han felt so safe while speaking and just being with Lee Know. It’s like he doesn’t have to hide who he is, and almost all his guilt vanishes. 

Lee Know also stared back at Han. Lee Know knows he likes Han. To even stretch that further and say he loves Han, that he is kinda crazy for the puffy cheeked boy. He can feel the warmth from his hand warm up his thigh, but he is glad that warmth doesn’t travel any further, if that happened it would be embarrassing, since they are comforting each other not rubbing bacons. Lee Know glimpsed at Han’s lips, but quickly averted his gaze. They looked so soft and pretty. Lee Know knows their taste would resemble that of a sweet marshmallow, then he licked his own in anticipation. 

Han didn’t know what this feeling was. It was pulling him in. Like a fish being reeled in by a greedy fisherman. Yet why was it so enticing. The fisherman’s inviting gaze, and his sharp feline features - ready to sallow the whole fish whole.

The gap between them was disappearing by the second. Han saw a flash of Lee Know’s tongue dart across his lips making them seem moistened. Han could only proceed to follow pursuit wetting his own. A split second thought was maybe his lips were now far too wet and would feel weird, but it was too late, as they both were inching closer and closer. Almost in a daze like trance, and cold sweat dripped down their temples in anticipation. So close both of their eye lids were drooping and preparing to close for the connection. 

Neither had control over themselves, as they let actions overrule logic. 

A tickle of Han’s breath gingerly made it way onto Lee Know’s, therefore making his heart skip a beat or two. Then… 

Warmth. Lee Know felt the warmth from Han, as their lips collided with their eyes closed. The sparks of connection gave Lee Know goosebumps up his entire body. Han also squeezed his thigh tighter, making Lee Know want to yelp in surprise, but how could he when he just wanted to melt into Han. He knew Han would taste sweet, but this was sweeter than his favourite pudding. Euphoria pumped through his veins making the whole occurrence seem surreal. 

…

Han didn’t know what was controlling him right now. He was kissing Lee Know. Kissing him. Actually kissing him. Why? How? It isn’t awful, matter of factly it’s quite pleasant. He could get used to the comfort held behind such a intimate touch. Han could feel the reassuring warmth relax his whole body, but at the same time it put his gear stick in override. Hot blood gushed to his ears and everything would have been perfect, except for the fact he just rejected his twin and is now kissing their friend. Han’s eyes blew wide open, and Lee Know wanted to whine at the disconnection.  

Han swung his arms around in panic.  

He kissed Lee Know. 

Just after rejecting Felix. 

He really is a terrible friend. 

“I should really get going. Sorry if that felt weird…” Han said blinking repeatedly trying his best to look anywhere but at Lee Know.

“No. It didn’t. It didn’t feel weird at all. Kinda nice actually.” A fond smile formed on Lee Know’s lips. Han couldn’t help but look again once Lee Know spoke about his experience. He didn’t hate the kiss. Lee Know’s eyes filled with something darker and more desirable than usual, but Han tried to ignore it. “I’ll walk you out.” 

“Yeah. Thanks.” Han felt like he was dying. His cheeks were hotter than when he took a hot bath or when he had a fever. He gulped as he got up and followed Lee Know out the bedroom door. 

…

“Minnie! Wait for me.” Hyunjin cried out. Seungmin turned and waited with an affectionate smile. He shook his head is disbelief. 

“Are you really gonna wear that?” Seungmin asked. Hyunjin’s face twisted in confusion. 

“What do you mean?” 

“The beanie. It’s a children’s beanie. What is it? An otter?” Seungmin asked. Honestly, Hyunjin felt hurt at first when Seungmin mentioned the beanie, as all it does was set a reminder of what happened. 

“It’s a weasel sown into it…besides…I can’t just go out with ugly hair…” Hyunjin whispered that last part. Seungmin’s face fell while he thought about the incident. 

If only I was there sooner… Just like the party…

“We are gonna buy you a wig today. Shopping date, and dinner later. How does that sound?” Seungmin smiled from ear to ear. Hyunjin could stare at that puppy smile all day. He was so grateful to have Seungmin.  

“Really?! You mean it?” Hyunjin held a hopeful glint in his eye. Seungmin nodded. Hyunjin jumped up and down in excitement acting more like a puppy than how Seungmin looked like one. “I’m still keeping the beanie on.” Hyunjin narrowed his eyes in protest, while clutching onto the beanie and tucking further down onto his head. Seungmin puffed while blowing his fringe out of his eyes, as if saying ‘yeah. Whatever.’ Hyunjin just skipped towards the entry.

He really is amazing. Dealing with everything, yet being so brave about it. Seungmin trailed behind not too far. 

Once outside, Seungmin made sure the apartment of locked. Checking twice like he usually does. Hyunjin tapped his foot impatiently waiting for his boyfriend. 

“Okay. And we’re off.” Seungmin turned to Hyunjin. 

“Finally.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes, but then his expression flipped and he couldn’t help but let out a cheeky giggle, as Seungmin scoffed at him. “Come on. I’m hungry.”

They made their way to a shopping mall. It was huge. They were walking around looking for something small to eat like an ice cream shop. The sweet and salty scents of the food court made both their stomach’s grumble. 

Hyunjin pouted with an exaggerated whine to ensure Seungmin knew he was is about to stave to death. 

“How about gelato?” Hyunjin jerked his chin to the direction of the shop. 

“I guess that we do have some time until dinner.” Hyunjin already started making his way towards the clear cases full of different flavours. Seungmin watched him walk towards it, but Seungmin didn’t feel like they were on a date. Something seemed to be missing. 

What do couples usually do on dates? Kiss? Whisper to each other? Hmm…oh I know.

Seungmin allowed a small grin to paint a mischievous expression, as he stared at Hyunjin’s hand that was casually swinging as he walked.  

Next thing he knew his hand was reaching towards Hyunjin’s. When slight contact was made Hyunjin retracted his hand while spinning around in shock, he about to apologise for bumping into someone, but he noticed it was Seungmin. How Seungmin’s cheeks had a tint of red. How Seungmin nervously bit his lower lip, and How Seungmin looked so disappointed. Hyunjin was confused at first, as to why Seungmin was acting like this. He bumped his hand, What did he want with Hyunjin’s hand…

Hyunjin smirked in realisation with a raised eyebrow. He held out his hand. “Give me.” Hyunjin ordered. Seungmin clicked his tongue trying to seem disinterested, but everything else he was displaying contradicted to his action. Seungmin lazily gifted his hand to Hyunjin, by placing it heavily into Hyunjin’s palm. Hyunjin gave him a wide smile and his eyes formed crescents, with little wrinkles each side. 

“I want chocolate. How about you Minnie?” Hyunjin squeezed the younger’s hand. 

“I don’t mind. You choose for me.” Seungmin shrugged. 

“How about matcha green tea.” Hyunjin giggled already knowing Seungmin’s favourite flavour. A fond smile from Seungmin found it’s way to Hyunjin, and Hyunjin stopped giggling just to appreciate it. 

“Well…Are you gonna order or am I gonna make you pay?” Hyunjin blinked rapidly trying to understand what Seungmin was trying to say, but then gave up trying to decipher the younger’s words and then decided to just order.

Before Hyunjin could pull out his card to pay, Seungmin had already used his card. Making the machine beep in acceptance, and causing Hyunjin to pout.

“I could’ve paid…” Hyunjin tried to let go of Seungmin’s hand, but Seungmin held him tighter making sure he couldn’t get away. 

“No. I’m your boyfriend, therefore, I must pay.” Seungmin huffed. 

“But I’m your boyfriend too.” Hyunjin whined while frowning his eyebrows together. That’s when Seungmin let his body move on his own. He calmed Hyunjin. With just a single peck on the cheek. It was quick. If you blinked you would’ve missed it, but Hyunjin was stunned. His eyebrows now raised and heat erupted on his cheeks and ears. “Minnie…we’re in public.” Hyunjin tried to reason. 

“And…what’s the issue?” Seungmin gave Hyunjin a pointed look. Hyunjin licked his lips. 

“Nothing…” Hyunjin averted his eyes to the ground briefly before looking back up into Seungmin’s. Hyunjin was starting to lean forwards while staring at Seungmin’s lips he was so focused on them. Crossed-eyed and his eyelids were drooping, until their order was called, making Seungmin cough. Hyunjin straightened up embarrassment taking over his body, eventually letting go of Seungmin’s hand to retrieve their ice-cream’s. 

They go find somewhere to sit down. There was a nice table for two near the entrance of the ice-cream parlour. The chairs were a blue pastel colour to match the theme. Seungmin grabbed the chair and pulled it out and gestured for Hyunjin to sit. 

“Why? Thank you kind sir.” Hyunjin giggled, as he sat down. 

“Trust me. You don’t know how tempting it was to pull that chair from under you.” Seungmin smirked while shaking his head. 

“Hey!” Hyunjin pouted with his eyebrows burying down. “Why did you say that!?” Hyunjin wanted to punch Seungmin. 

“Because your reactions are too cute.” Seungmin playfully grinned. 

Hyunjin clicked his tongue. “Yeah. Whatever.” A silence stretched, as they ate their ice-creams. 

“Hey…When do you think we should tell everyone else?” Hyunjin asked with a curved eyebrows. 

Seungmin just hummed in thought. “Maybe…After Minho’s birthday.” Hyunjin nodded.

“Yeah. Okay.” Hyunjin agreed, but after a moment a smile started sprouting form his face. “Can we go shopping for my wig now?” Seungmin nodded, as he rose up from the chair. 

…

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! I’ve so fucked up. So bad. I kissed him. I fucking kissed him. 

Jisung was sat crossed legged on his bed with his hands holding up his head. His eyes wide in the shock of the events which occurred mere hours ago. 

Does this mean he likes me? No…

Han shook his head violently to try rid the thought of Lee Know liking him. Han didn’t know if that was true, but it wasn’t okay that they kissed when his twin is by himself and heart broken. Han lowered his hands, as his gaze became unfocused, as he stared at the wall in front of him. 

I need to apologise to Felix again and make sure he’s okay. Man, just keep adding to the guilt Hannie. Pile it up even more. Yay…

Han sighed with his shoulders. His body felt heavier, even more so now Lee Know wasn’t with him. 

You will apologise to Felix at school…who knows maybe it isn’t that bad? Maybe he is okay, and we can just forget all this happened, then move on.

Han fell horizontally on his bed. His head hitting his pillow. Han let out another sigh, then closed his eyes. He was tried. The sooner tomorrow came the better. He wanted to apologise. After a few minutes darkness overtook him.  

…

It was just on dusk…

Han could just make out a few stars…

He was is a daze looking up at the constellations, as he felt the wind pick up. The wind tugged at stands of lose hair and fabric from his clothes. His eyes followed the eerie breeze’s direction. 

A lake. 

The one lake Han wished to never see again. The one lake were he has committed a sin. 

Like a child trying to make out what monster was seated on their chair, Han searched the darkness for any sigh of life. 

But as a child turns their lamp on to see the chair with a pile of clothes. Han found Felix who was standing not too far in the distance. 

“Felix?” Han tilted his head. Felix didn’t mutter a word. Only held out his arm and his hand made a sign to follow. Han didn’t know why, but something felt off. Felix’ face was covered in freckles, which could be seen clear as day even though it was night due to his freckles sparkling like the stars from earlier. 

Felix then turned to start walking away. Han followed pursuit…

Suddenly, as Han was following not far behind his vision started to blur. He tried shaking his head and rubbing his eyes to try see better, but nothing was working. 

“Felix. Felix! FELIX?!” Han called, but no response. Felix no where to be seen. Only his voice hung in the chilly air. He tightly shut his eyes and tightened his body, as if bracing for something. Maybe pain?  

After a minute of nothing happening, he stayed as he was. The sound of splashing made it too his ears. 

“The thing about drowning is it’s silent…” A whisper caused Han’s eyes to fly open, and make him turn around. 

No one. 

Han saw no one, but he knew the voice. 

Han whipped his head back around to where he had heard the splashing. Large ripples had disrupted the calm lake’s surface. 

Someone was in there. 

“It’s your friend…” The whisper again. Han’s heart felt like it stopped. 

Felix…

His breath hitched, yet Han couldn’t move. Something forced him still. No matter how hard he tried to move. Han cast his eyes down the side next to him, and noticed a shadow of someone behind him. Leaning into his ear. “Will you let him drown? As you did to me?” 

Han’s breathing was so shallow that he couldn’t take a deep breath even though he tried. It hurt. It hurt to breathe. 

“Let me go! I need to save him!” Han shouted making his head feel light and his throat sore. “Let me save him!” Han tried moving again, yet no avail. He was frozen in place. 

“You will just watch him die…You really are pathetic. You are guilty…of murder. Blood is on your hands.” The voice laughed, as if he was amused with Han’s predicament. 

“No! Felix! I can save you!…Please let me go!” Han was trying to thrash his arms, legs, head. Anything, but none of that worked. It was almost like the shadow was holding him in place. 

“Too late…he is gone…” 

“Felix!” Han screamed, as shot up from the sheets. Sweat drowned everything from his skin to his clothes to the sheets. His head felt like it was spilt in two, yet he is still was desperate to save Felix. 

The door of his bedroom swung open, and Han’s mother rushed in. She was out of breath, but not as bad as Han who was gasping and practically clawing the air. 

“Honey. Shh. It isn’t real.” Han didn’t really notice the bed tip where his mother sat, just by his side. 

“Felix! He is drowning! I need to save him!” Han tried to explain to his mom. Adrenaline pumped through his veins, as he was ready to run. 

“Felix is at home. Nothing is wrong.” His mother held out her arms to take Han in, but Han stared at her with a blurry vision and dry and sore throat. “Felix is fine baby. He is safe at home. I promise.” Han was then brought into a hug. He head still throbbed from a dull ache, and he knew crying would make it hurt more, but he couldn’t help it. He just cried into his mother’s chest who held a warmth only a mother could, as she patted his back for comfort. “Stay home today. Stay with mama.” Han shook his head on the fabric of his mothers dressing gown. He mothers gown was soaked with his own sweat and tears. He knows he needs to see Felix. He must apologise to Felix. 

His mother held him in place far enough to look into his eyes. Han felt embarrassed that his mother could see how swollen his eyes must be. “M-mom…I need to speak to Felix.” His mother gave him a stern look, yet filled with so much worried and care that Han couldn’t resent her no matter what. 

Her stern look faded into something akin to pride with a hint of sadness, but nevertheless Han knew he must see Felix. “Alright, but if you need to come home at any point during the day. I will pick you up. Okay?” Han nodded with a small smile, that felt heavy to produce.

“Okay mom. Thank you.” Han squeezed her tightly. 

…

“You mean to tell me. You just rejected him. You haven’t checked up on him nor apologised? Han, what the actual fuck is wrong with you?” Han hid behind his fringe, as Changbin yelled in his face. Han could even feel the hot breath from Changbin on his forehead which was also hidden behind his fringe. It was just him and Han in the cafeteria at the time Han needed some comfort and he thought maybe Changbin got over the other day, but his guess was wrong. 

“I-I’m sorry…” Han whispered, as he could feel his legs shaking. Changbin rolled his eyes. 

“I’m not the one you should be apologising too.” Changbin gritted his teeth. Han could only stare at the ground in shame. 

“What’s going on?” Chan arrived with a concerned frown. Lee Know, Hyunjin and Seungmin were following behind him all with trays of food. 

Changbin pointed towards Han accusingly. “This guy rejected Felix and hasn’t thought to apologise or anything.” Han wanted to say that he has been thinking about it. Honestly, it’s all he has been thinking about all night and all morning. Changbin then proceeded to grab Han by the collar of his uniform ripping Han aggressively forward. Changbin held up a tight fist and pulled it back. 

Han couldn’t register much of what was happening. He had screwed his eyes shut and braced for a punch in the face, but it never came. 

“Changbin…put him down. This is not what Yongbok would want. No. This is not what you want.” Lee Know had stepped forward now holding Changbin’s fist on his palm. 

Han felt so overwhelmed. He could feel the sea from his eyes flooding the shore, and Changbin had looked him in the eyes at that moment. Changbin realised what he was doing. He wasn’t the only one suffering. Changbin let go of Han’s uniform before taking a step back. 

“I…I went to far. I-I’m sorry.” Changbin frowned his eyebrows together and stared harshly towards the ground with his jaw clenched. Lee Know just sent him a sad smile. 

…

It was a few minutes after, until Changbin had fully calmed down, and now he just seemed mopey. Seungmin seemed to notice Changbin consistently checking the door. Most likely waiting for Felix to come in.

Seungmin felt something nudge the back of his hand, and when he looked down towards it to find what it was he couldn’t help a small side smile creep on his face. Hyunjin’s face was a tinge of pink, and seemed coy, as he gave Seungmin pleading puppy eyes. Seungmin almost gave in, but they didn’t want to let the others know just yet. He wanted to hold Hyunjin’s hand, however there were more pressing matters such as why Felix hasn’t arrived yet. 

“Hyunjin. You got a hair cut?” Han noticed, as he finally looked up from the ground, yet he kept glancing nervously towards Lee Know. 

“Oh!? Yeah…” Hyunjin’s eyebrows were curved upwards, but he still forced a smile trying to hide the incident at all costs. 

“What’s wrong? You don’t like it?” Chan asked. Of course Chan would notice something like this. Hyunjin was glad though, since now he had an excuse to seem upset. 

“Yeah. I hate it.” Hyunjin’s smile seemed to vanish. Seungmin then placed a hand on his knee. Hyunjin’s face insistently coloured with the sudden touch. Lee Know raised an eyebrow at them, but he didn’t question any further. 

Seungmin wanted to make Hyunjin feel better. He wanted to reassure him more. Then, he came up with a brilliant idea. 

“Oh my god- I didn’t give my paper to the teacher.” Seungmin’s eyes widened in panic. 

Genius…I’m an amazing actor. 

“Hyunjin come with me. You never handed yours in either. Or didn’t you do it?” Seungmin gave him a playful smirk, while he faced Hyunjin head on then proceeded with a tiny and quick wink. 

“Oh yeah! I forgot too. Sorry guys.” Hyunjin got up and bowed, as apologising. Han shook his head. 

“Can’t believe Minnie forgot.” 

Lee Know on the other hand raised another questioning brow at the duo. 

“Alright. See you guys later.” Chan waved them goodbye. 

“Bye!” The duo shouted in unison. 

…

Seungmin took hold of Hyunjin’s uniform tie, pulling him closer, locking their lips together. Seungmin didn’t like that it was in the school’s bathroom, but Hyunjin didn’t seem too fazed, therefore Seungmin continued. 

Seungmin’s tongue slipped into Hyunjin’s mouth gracefully exploring all the soft wet walls and crevices. They were put under a spell. Both boys enjoying each other. Seungmin sat on the toilet seat and Hyunjin had been hunched over him. 

They continued filling the air with wet and loud moans, until Seungmin heard footsteps enter, therefore he gasped for air after exiting Hyunjin’s mouth. His lips were glossy and puffy, and Hyunjin showed his small pout to his boyfriend, until he thought of a plan. Hyunjin’s hand latched onto Seungmin’s jaw, cupping the soft skin and locking it into place. Hyunjin dived. Hyunjin plunged their lips together once more. Seungmin’s silva tasting oh so sweet, Hyunjin couldn’t help himself. He didn’t want to stop kissing his boyfriend, but Seungmin’s eyebrows frowned together and he gently pushed Hyunjin backwards. 

“Shut up. Someone will hear us.” Seungmin whispered.

“So what?” Hyunjin shrugged, with a smirk. Hyunjin’s eyes were like a predator’s wanting to claim their next meal. Seungmin crossed his arms and gave Hyunjin a stern look, like a disapproving parent would. “Fine..” Hyunjin rolled his eyes. 

Hyunjin stood up straight, and was reaching for the lock on the stall, but froze in place. He turned to look back at Seungmin. 

“What’s wrong?” Seungmin whispered, concern etched into a frown. Hyunjin replied with a fond smile, and then leaned forward placing a light and delicate kiss on Seungmin’s forehead. 

“Nothing. Just almost forgot to say I love you.” Hyunjin winked, then proceeded in walking out of the stall.

Seungmin should be grateful that Hyunjin didn’t see how red his face went. Even after they passionately made out in the school’s bathroom. Hyunjin can say the most embarrassingly loveable things that really make Seungmin feverish and squirm.

…

His tear trails were drying, yet he was wanting to know when they would be freshly painted over. He sniffled, while under the comfort of his favourite blanket which still didn’t bring him enough of the comfort he needed. 

He didn’t end up going to school today. He stayed in his little apartment that he can barely afford. He should go to work, but he doesn’t have the energy, therefore he called up sick. Nothing else matters other than his feelings was being rejected. 

A blurry unfocused image of the TV set up laid before him. His stomach growled at him, but Felix refused to get up and make something. Even baking sweets didn’t seem appealing in the slightest. He just wanted to sit there, and think about how stupid he was for asking Han out. 

Suddenly his phone rang, which made Felix jump slightly from the vibrations the device made. He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie and picked up the call. 

“Felix sweetie. How are you?” It was his mum. The Australian accent almost gave him whiplash, but it was quite smoothing to hear something so familiar. 

“Hey Mum. I’m doing alright. Just finished school.” Felix pitched his voice a octave higher to sound more cheerful, but it was exhausting. Yet his mother mustn’t find out. 

“Oh! Wonderful. Do you have a moment? I need to speak with you.” Felix shifted under his blanket. Felix had a weird vibe.

“I was about to do some baking. So maybe a quick talk, but not too long.” Felix then started to nibble on his bottom lip. 

“Make sure you be careful in the kitchen. It’s the most dangerous place in the house. Anyway, I want you to come back home to study for University once you have finished with high school.” Felix’ eyes went wide at the shocked statement. He allowed himself a breath to take in what was being proposed. “Don’t you want to be here? With your family? Your sisters miss you very much. Your father and I also.”

“I-I’ll have a think about it…” Felix knows he wants to stay with his friends, but to be around Han. It might not be the best idea. Felix might not cope here. If he started fresh again, maybe it might go better. He could met new friends and…and…and he would miss everyone…He would miss Korea. He would miss the silly attics his friends put him through or when we have a movie night or go shopping for clothes. He would miss baking sweets for them, when he knows they all adore them. He wonders if his new friends would like his baking. He wonders if his new friends would go shopping and like cartoon movies. Felix doesn’t want to leave his friends. They really mean everything to him. 

“Okay honey, and once you are back here maybe you could go back into modelling? Be sure to keep in touch, and I’m serious don’t hurt yourself in the kitchen. I’m not there and if you get hurt. I’d never forgive myself.” Felix couldn’t help but mentally and sarcastically laugh at his mother’s statement. Felix knows the real reason why she says things like that. In Australia he was a child model. Imagine a model with scars. To anyone else it would seem like his mother cared for his well being, but Felix knows deep down even though he might not voice those thoughts. His mother was stuck in a habit of caring for his body. His face. His arms. His legs. Not a scratch. She almost made him have surgery to remove his freckles and Felix almost went through with it, except for his grandparents stepping in saying it was a charming feature about the boy. Felix remembered his party and how he fell over the vase. 

Man, my mother would have had a fit.

Felix heard the beep of the call ending. With a heavy sigh, he dropped the phone from his ear.  

I can’t leave…not when I have amazing friends…

A knock interrupted his thoughts from wondering. Felix tilted his head in confusion. He wasn’t excepting anyone. He really hoped it wasn’t Han, therefore Felix mustered as much strength as he could and stood up. He pulled up his blanket and wrapped it about his body and slowly shuffled his way to the front door.

He opened it. 

“Felix? Are you okay?” A hoarse voice asked in concern. Felix’ eyebrows raised, as he didn’t except him to check up on him. 

“Changbin?”

…

“Can I come in?” Changbin stood in the doorway holding a plastic bag. Felix shuffled backwards with a fluster. 

“Yes. Come on in.” Changbin found him so cute wrapped up in a little bundle, but Changbin needed to focus. This isn’t about his feelings. It was about Felix. Once Changbin entered the door closed and both made their way to the small couch. 

Changbin noticed the apartment messier than usual. The kitchen was a disaster, pots, pans and other dishes stock piled on the sink. The bench tops littered with flour, some had even dropped on the floor. 

In the living room. In front of them was a small coffee table that was smothered in green chip packets that had little kangaroo’s on it and coke cans. A dirty plate and bowl. 

“Felix…?” Changbin asked as he looked around. 

“I know what you’re going to say. And no I’m not okay.” Felix glared at his filth on the table. Changbin’s eyes finally ended on Felix, but he wasn’t going to say anything about the mess, because honestly he wouldn’t be any better if he was in Felix’ position. 

“I was gonna ask if you wanted to do some baking with me? Or cooking? Or watch a movie? Or hang out? You did promise me a movie…” Changbin went on a little tangent, but he had gained the attention of Felix who raised his brows in realisation. 

“I forgot about the movie thing. I’m sorry…and…the kitchen is a mess, so we can’t cook or bake anything…I’ll get to cleaning maybe tomorrow.” Felix’s gaze ended up on the ground, as he sighed. 

“Han got you down that bad huh?” Changbin decided to go with a blunt and straightforward approach. He hates seeing Felix this upset, but he knows Felix. Felix may seem sweet, innocent and most people would say weak, but Changbin knows he is so much more than that. Felix sometimes just needs a bigger and harsher push, and he had a cheeky side too. He loves pranking the others with Jisung or Lee Know. Sometimes even I.N. 

Felix looked up at Changbin full of hurt at the mention of Han, but Felix knew that this subject was inevitable. “I-yeah…” Felix gave up trying to explain how much it hurt. 

“I guess it’s now my job to pick you up.” Changbin stretched out his arms nonchalantly, then brought one hand up along his other arm to his bicep to scratch it. After putting both arms down, he got up. “Do you wish to talk or see Han if he comes by?” Changbin looked down to Felix, who wrapped his blanket around himself tighter and shook his head. “Alright then. I guess I got a of cleaning to do.” 

Felix’ eyes widened in surprise and fear. “No. Don’t clean up after me. It’s my mess. I should clean it.” Felix’ voice got softer as the shame build in his chest. 

“Yes. You probably should, but I’ll get it started. Besides I know you would do the same thing for anyone else.” Changbin winked. “Beside Binnie missed Bookie today.” Changbin pouted ending his aegyo.

“Yah! Okay. Just stop it.” Felix cringed, while using the blanket to hide away. That just made Changbin smirk, but only with affection.

Everything was going fine. Changbin had a huge rubbish bag and was collecting all the trash from the table, that was until the door bell rang. “I’ll get it.” Changbin placed the bag down, and Felix’ brows curved up in worry.

…

Han was anxious. 

Han was fidgeting, as he stood in front of Felix’ apartment door. His fingers picked at his nail beds, and his foot tap. 

He had to show how sorry he was to Felix. He needs to explain himself. Han wants to say the truth; he is tried of lying, but he can’t say him and Lee Know had kissed. It would break Felix even more. 

Han took a deep breath, and exhaled with his shoulders. He gently knocked on the door. 

Those moments Han waited for an answer was pure hell. The anticipation forced his heart rate to quicken, and his foot to tap in sync with it. The sound of the door unlocking and opening made blood rush to Han’s ears, but everything haltered. Changbin stood in the way. Han had no chance now. Only if it wasn’t Changbin. Han’s eyes lost a small glimmer of the hope that usually shines so brightly. 

“Felix doesn’t want to speak with you. Please respect his wishes.” He wasn’t rude about it surprisingly. Changbin’s usual harsh voice was smoother, but still it hurt. Changbin wouldn’t let Han speak to Felix. Felix didn’t want to speak to Han. 

“Too late…he is gone…” The whisper from Mick echoed in his mind.

Han made pleading eyes, not to Changbin. Not to anyone really, expect to fate. He wanted fate to stop all these feelings. He didn’t want his chest to hurt when he took a deep breath or all the nervous ticks to continue making his life harder. He didn’t want anyone else to hurt because of what he had done. He didn’t want to face Lee Know. He didn’t want Changbin to be angry with him because Changbin liked Felix and Felix liked him. 

Something swirled in his stomach. Making his expression distorted, he needed to go. A rush of energy forced him to leave. 

Han ran down the stairs he couldn’t wait for the elevator. He needed to move. He ran and ran, until the feeling that was in his stomach burned his oesophagus and the back of his throat. 

Han bend over using his knees for support, as his chest convulsed making vomit projectile onto the floor. Han gasped for breath in between each time he expelled a substance. 

It was a few minutes, but it felt like hours, until where exhaustion overtook his body. He wanted to cry again, but didn’t have the energy. Han was forced to his knees with a loud thump, but the shooting pain up his thighs didn’t feel, as bad as his mental toll. 

…

It was an hour later Han finally arrived home. He felt a little better. His mother prepared pork kimchi stew, which warmed his stomach. At least now if he does end up vomiting again it won’t be vomiting nothing. 

“Good night mom.” Han started heading upstairs he heard a faint goodnight while traveling up. He fell on his bed and this felt like deja vu. Still guilt filled up to the brim. Han had his arms spread across where he laid, he felt weak. He wanted. No needed to apologise to Felix.

He was upset with Changbin, but he can’t hold it against the older. He is just looking out for Felix. Pretty sure Han himself would do the same. 

Han breathed in a shaky breath, as he brought his arm over to rest on top of his eyes. Since he started to feel that same familiar sting wrap around the rim of his eyes. 

He let a heavy breath out.

I fucked up so bad…

Han’s phone suddenly vibrated from in his pocket. It was a call. 

“Innie?” Han answered.

…

It had only been a few days…

He thought everything would turn out fine, that maybe he just needed some rest. 

Oh how wrong he was. 

I.N had been clutching the phone tightly in his hand, to the point he thought he might break it. He couldn’t really focus on much just simple thoughts. 

He couldn’t breathe without pain.

Before this,

He was having a nap. He psychically couldn’t do much. He just needed rest, yet everything went worse from there. He had woken up delirious everything was spinning as if the world turned to fast on it’s axis. When I.N tried getting up, it felt a little better, but could it really be called better? 

I.N collapsed to the floor, as he tried standing. He laid down again, maybe if he tried to sleep again he would wake up feeling better. 

He was so wrong. So very wrong. 

His chest felt like it was collapsing onto itself. His whole body tensed from the pain. He couldn’t speak or yell for help, as he was out of breath. Only grunts and moans of pain filled his room. He could feel sweat drip off his body, and his clothes stick to his skin. 

He finally got to sit up even though it felt like gravity was pulling down harder than usual. I.N panted and he could feel his face empty, as if all the blood washed out from it. He needed help. I.N admits it, but he really couldn’t call his parents. He couldn’t call an ambulance, as it would cost too much. He didn’t want to burden his friend either, but he has no one else. He needs a doctor. He needs Doctor Han. 

I.N decided to ring Jisung. He could always rely on him. Exhaustion washed over I.N who groaned while tightly putting pressure onto his chest to try ease the pain. It didn’t help much, but to feel the metal of Chan’s necklace which gave him a little strength. 

I.N managed to latch onto his phone that was on the bed behind him, then proceeded to dial Han with a shaky hand. His eyes were blurry and pricked the edges. 

…

They were in the back seat of Han’s mother’s car. Han held onto I.N. 

Don’t worry Innie. My cousin will look after you. Just hang on. 

“We aren’t far now.” Han’s mother called from the driver’s seat. 

Han knew four hours was a long time, but this was ridiculous. I.N’s grip tightened on Han every now and again, to try brace from episodes of stabbing pain in his chest worsening. 

I.N mumbled something about having to see Doctor Han and no other doctor in Seoul. Han didn’t know why, but it was important. He thought I.N went on a business trip with his parents, but they weren’t due back for a couple days. Han was beginning to wonder if I.N lied. If I.N stayed home by himself. That thought forced Han’s brows together. 

Here Han was worried about himself where I.N was in serious trouble. 

“Han…Don’t tell- the others.” I.N panted out. “don’t want- ‘em to- worry.” 

It seemed unfair not to tell the others, but just not until they get back.

“I will wait for you to tell them Innie.” Han stared forward in a serious fashion. I.N let a small smile appear although quickly turned into a grimace. 

…

“Sang-Chul. Please if it wasn’t important we wouldn’t have driven all this way.” Han’s mother complained. 

“I was Yang Jeongin’s doctor, but I’m afraid I’m not anymore.” Doctor Han shook his head. 

“Please cousin, his other doctor said he didn’t need surgery.” Han pleaded, I.N had explain why he needed to see Doctor Han during the long trip. 

Doctor Han’s expression conveyed many emotions from shocked which was illustrated in his eyebrows being raised and mouth agape; to confusion and grimace, from his brows slowly lowering and making a crease into his forehead, as well as a frown for addition. “You mean to tell me young Yang Jeongin hasn’t received any treatment surgery since I left?” 

“Yes!” Jisung exhaled out. I.N coughed dryly. 

“Is this true Jeongin?” The doctor asked. Jeongin nodded sluggishly. “I need verbal confirmation so I can go ahead and approve for emergency surgery right away.” 

“Y-yes” I.N breathed out, while clutching his chest, as well as letting a slight groan to follow the response. At least he had Chan’s necklace which kept him grounded. 

It was minutes later a stretcher was brought to the waiting room and took I.N. Han was relieved his cousin came in clutch. 

Now, I.N was gone. Disappeared into one of the operating rooms, Han waited outside the room, with his mother. Before I.N left he gave Han a necklace. It was heavy in his hand, but I.N made him promise to give it back to him after. Usually the type of surgery had a very low modality rate, therefore I.N would be fine. The surgery will be successful, yet Han still feels nervous. The necklace reminds Han of how I.N doesn’t want the others to know. He doesn’t want them to worry, but hopefully I.N will tell them. 

He would make it through the operation. Right?

Han sat clutching his hands together until his knuckles went white with tension. The necklace in carefully surrounded by his locked palms. His jaw was sore from him gritting his teeth for so long. It had been about an hour, until lights turned off on top of the operating door. 

The doors opened and Han’s mother was speaking to the doctor. Han was watching from afar and got up to stand next to his mom, but he froze, as the doctor shook his head while facing the ground. 

Han’s eyes widened.

No…No…NO!

“What happened? Is I.N okay? Mom? Doctor?” Han’s heart was rapidly beating and Han could feel his whole was shake with adrenaline. 

“Oh! Your friend is perfectly fine, but I’m afraid he may have to spend a night or two in the hospital.” Han sighed and a tension in his shoulders released. 

Thank god.

“Han we will go to a hotel while we wait for I.N’s recovery alright?” Han nodded. At least he got to skip school. He didn’t have to face anyone for awhile. He could also rest. 

…

“Binnie. What’s in the bag?” Felix stared towards the plastic bag to see if he could try see any of the contents through the thin layer, but Changbin stepped in front of him. 

“Ahh uhh no peeking. It’s a surprise.” Changbin’s grin was ear to ear, as he took the bag into the kitchen which he had spent time cleaning. 

The plastic fluttering sound made it’s way to Felix’ ears, therefore he peeked up from the couch behind towards the kitchen. Changbin had his back faced to Felix making sure he couldn’t see. 

Felix pouted while crossing his arms. He had to wait. He flared his nostrils in annoyance, but then decided to get up from where he sat with a mischievous smirk. 

He creeped up behind Changbin before wrapping his arms around Changbin’s middle. Felix rested his head on Changbin’s shoulder, as he was shorter. 

“Please let me see what you got.” Felix pleaded with a small winy voice. Changbin just sighed. 

“You’re not gonna stop until you know huh?” Changbin raised an appointed brow, while Felix raised his head to give a toothy smile. “I’m making you dinner, then while we eat we can watch a movie. After the movie if you still have energy we can do some baking now that the kitchen is clean. Oh! And of course play some games.” Changbin grinned, but Felix couldn’t help the warmth that spouted inside in tummy and chest. Felix’ hug tightened. Causing Changbin to straighten his posture more. 

“Thank you. Hyung.” 

Before Changbin could respond a buzzing sound interrupted them. Changbin squinted his eyes and looked around franticly. “Where is it?” Felix started looking around too. 

“There.” Felix pointed towards a high hanging cupboard. 

“Bug spray?” Changbin asked. 

“That cupboard.” Felix redirected his finger to a low cupboard under the sink. Changbin didn’t waste a second in retrieving the spray. He sprayed the fly, and after a few minutes the fly dropped on the bench top twitching. “Poor little guy.” Felix’ eyes shone with remorse, as Changbin placed the bug spray down on the bench top next to stove.

“Hey. It’s okay. He was in your area first. It’s nature’s way.” Changbin grabbed a piece of towelling paper and scooped up the fly. Changbin came back form the toilet after a flush. 

“It’s gone.” Changbin announced. “Now. I’m going to make you something yummy.” Changbin smirked. “Steak and vegetables sound good?” 

Felix’ lips twitched upwards. He loved steak. He couldn’t wait. With a skip in his step he jumped back onto the couch and started to play his game. “Thank you Binnie. I look forward to it.” He waved from the couch. 

Changbin was surprised, but glad he was able to see Felix again. The real Felix. Not a mopey heart-broken stranger. Changbin then turn the heat on the stove and pulled the meat out from the fridge he already put there before cleaning. 

He grabbed the spray on oil, and coated the pan. 

Hmm. The oil smells weird but whatever.

Changbin then started to hum, as he waited for the pan to heat up. 

“Changbin Hyung. Did you spray that bug spray again?” Changbin saw Felix’ head turn around from behind the couch. Changbin was just about to place the steak onto the pan. When Felix’ eyes widened. “Don’t tell me?” Felix’ brows curved in worry.

Felix raced over to Changbin, and picked up the bug spray that was next to the stove. “Did you use this?” 

“Oh. Yeah…Oh…oh no.” Changbin’s demeanour seemed to shrink into itself in realisation. Felix just gave himself a forehead slap. 

“Ohh. Binnie boo. What are am I to do with you?” Felix turned the heat off and put the pan in the sink. “You wash this and I’ll grab a different pan.” Changbin waddled over to the sink, with his shoulder slouched with emphasis. 

“At least I’m good at doing dishes.” Changbin laughed awkwardly. Felix just placed his fists on his hips and swung them in exaggeration. 

“Funny huh? You nearly poisoned us.” Felix poked his tongue out playfully to show he wasn’t totally upset with him. 

…

Finally after eating dinner and watching a movie. The two baked what were delicious cookies. They were now gaming, and it was extremely late. 

“When are you going to head home Hyung? It’s already 12:20am.” Felix tilted his head in question. 

I hope he doesn’t want to leave. 

“I’ll just stay over tonight.” Changbin shrugged nonchalantly. “Is that a problem?” Changbin asked with worry. 

Of course not. I want you to stay. 

“No.no.no.”  Felix shook his hand out in front of him to reassure Changbin. “It’s just we are alone. Isn’t it weird?” Changbin raised a questioning eyebrow asking for Felix to elaborate. 

I wonder if…I can ever repay Changbin back…maybe he doesn’t want money? Maybe something else? I don’t know what though. In movies…It’s usually something… weird…Maybe that’s what Changbin wants…

“No. It’s just. I’ve ever had a one on one sleepover before. Even with Sungie-“ Felix’ face deflated after mentioning Jisung. 

“That’s why I’m staying with you, because you are my friend, and I know for a fact you hate being alone.” 

What did I ever do to deserve such a great friend. I wish I had a crush on Changbin and not Hannie…Maybe it could work out. What if I was with Changbin and made Jisung jealous? No. I can’t do that to Changbinnie. But Binnie has been so nice. What can I do in return? 

“Thank you Binnie. I don’t think I’ll be able to pay you back though…” 

“Trust me Felix. Your company is the best gift to me.” Changbin gave Felix a smile, which Felix reciprocated. 

My company…that’s what they usually say in the movies…does that mean Changbin wants me in that way? Hmm…could I let him have me in that way? I guess since Jisung doesn’t want me…

Felix’ face slowly darkened the more he thought about this way to repay Changbin.

…

“Changbin hyung…” Felix’ said shakily, almost trembling.

“Yes? Is everything okay?” Changbin’s face etched lines of worry about his ball of sunshine. 

Felix stood up, still shaking. He moved in front of Changbin. Changbin tilted his head in confusion. 

Does he want to cuddle? What a cutie.

Felix feel to his knees. Changbin’s posture straightened up from his slouching position. “Lixie are you okay?” Changbin held out his arms for support. 

“You want this. Don’t you?” Felix didn’t hold any malice in his voice, but it was almost a sad tone. 

What does he mean? What do I want?

“What do you mean?” Changbin inhaled with a hitch. 

He doesn’t mean him and Jisung not being together, right? 

Felix doesn’t mean that he and Jisung can’t be together. Of course Changbin doesn’t want that, but it’s not like he would ruin their relationship for his selfish desire. 

He stiffened when Felix placed both his hands on either thigh. The picture did things to Changbin. He could feel his member twitch under the fabric of his boxers. 

“F-Felix? What are you doing?” 

Changbin, no. You can’t be thinking of anything bad. You can’t let Felix know you like him. You can’t be that guy.

“Shh. Binnie Hyung. I know what you want. I think I’ve always known.” Felix gave a sideways glance. “I’ve just never acknowledged it, because I so desperately didn’t want it to be like that, but the more I think about it. It must be like that. I can’t pay you back in any other way. Can I?” Felix looked back up at Changbin with large and glossy eyes. Changbin breath hitched.

Am I dreaming right now? 

“What are you talking about Felix? I told you how to repay me. Just let me be in your company.” Felix was merciless as he slowly dragged his hands up Changbin’s thighs sending goosebumps to every inch of Changbin’s body. The shiver that followed didn’t help Changbin’s case. 

“I know you want me.” Felix whispered. Changbin had dreamt of this. Felix seducing him, then providing pleasure to his hyung. It’s what Changbin desires. A cold sweat breaks out and his heart rate had accelerated. Changbin’s thoughts travelled back to the time they baked brownies together. Felix stared at Changbin’s crotch.

Changbin noticed what Felix was doing and heat flared onto his face, as he gulped. Felix’ hands travelled up more and more by the second. Heat following Felix and transferring to Changbin. Changbin couldn’t calm his heart. He finally knows what’s happening. The tension in the air just proves his assumption. His bulge in his pants confirms it even more. Felix’ hands travel past Changbin’s clothed member and up under Changbin’s shirt to finally reach his belt. Changbin felt Felix’ warm hands gently touch the skin of his lower stomach. It was so sensitive that his muscle spasmed. 

“It looks big…I hope- I-I’ll be enough for- you.” Felix didn’t sound confidant at all. 

Changbin’s brain was foggy, he was unable to think clearly. He could only focus on touch and feelings. He felt vulnerable to Felix. The sound of his belt unbuckling was caught in his ears, Felix’ sallow breathing too. Changbin looked at Felix to make sure he was okay. He wasn’t. Tears rolled down his cheeks, as his hands clumsily tried unbuckling Changbin’s pants. This sight took the fogginess form Changbin’s brain and sucked it out. Changbin knew he wanted Felix. He desired Felix so much it hurt, but he didn’t want Felix like this.

“Felix.” Changbin was stern in his voice, making Felix flinch. “Stop this.” Felix was just shaking while frozen. Changbin gently grabbed hold of Felix’ hands and guided them away from himself. Changbin then fixed his belt.

A gasp caused Changbin to look up at Felix. “I’m s-sorry. I just t-thought” Felix covered his mouth with his hands. 

“Shh. No Felix. It’s Okay.”

“No!” Felix screamed. “I-I just thought… you liked me…I’m sorry…I’m an idiot. I’m sorry. I got mixed signals…I shouldn’t have I just assumed you wanted something in return and if not money, than in the movies it’s usually…” Changbin’ mouth was agape, but then frowned in concern with his eyebrows. Felix had brought his hands up to cup his face. Changbin then proceeded to swat beside him. 

“Oh. Lixie. You’re not an idiot…and… I do like you. I really like you Felix, but not enough to see you push through this heartbreak so quickly for my sake. I think you are brave. You are brave for coming to Korea. You are brave for helping out Hyunjin the other day, and so brave for having the courage to ask out the person you like. 

I guess I like you so much because you are brave, creative, and such a wonderful human being. I love you Felix for being you.” Changbin confessed, as Felix stared at him with starry eyes. “But that being said. I want you to remember that you’re my friend first, and I care about you so much. We all do.” Changbin smiled affectionately. Felix’ freckles seemed to burst to life, as his cheeks raised and little eye wrinkles formed. 

Man…You are too bright for this world Felix. 

“So, you aren’t gonna leave after what I just did?” Felix asked shyly while blindly repeatedly. 

“I’ll never leave.” Changbin reassured Felix with a gently pat on the back. 

I’ll never leave you…sunshine.

Chapter Text

A couple of days later…

“You know, Han doesn’t need to tutor you now.” Seungmin stated from across the table, as the two were eating dinner. 

“I know. I’ll text him about it later.” Hyunjin mumbled after slurping a mouth full of spicy noodles. Adoration for the older caused the edges of Seungmin’s lips to rise.

“I could tutor you. I promise not to make fun of you. You know that right?” Seungmin’s expression morphed into a worried frown. Hyunjin raised his brows.

“What?” Hyunjin muffled again through his noodle filled mouth. Seungmin waited for Hyunjin to finish with an amused eyebrow. “That’s not why I don’t want you to tutor me! Just…you might be a distraction.” Hyunjin looked down while he shyly nudged his noodles with his chopsticks, as his voice got quieter with each syllable. 

“Oh! How so?” Seungmin knew he loved teasing Hyunjin. Who are they kidding they loved teasing each other. 

“I might end up kissing you instead of writing an English word. Who knows?” Hyunjin shrugged. Seungmin had an amused smirk complementing his brow, as he got up and walked around the wooden table. He stood in front of Hyunjin and leaned down delicately placing a kiss on his cheek. 

“Hyunjin…” Seungmin averted his eyes losing his amused expression which was replaced with a embarrassed tint of blush. “Can you sleep with me?” 

Hyunjin choked on his noodles. Which burnt his nose and throat, which he couldn’t relieve with water until the end of his coughing fit. 

“W-what!?” Hyunjin asked, as Seungmin was patting his back after Hyunjin chucked down a glass of water. 

“I don’t feel like sleeping alone tonight. Besides Lee Know’s party isn’t until tomorrow afternoon, therefore we can sleep in…and cuddle in the morning.” Hyunjin noticed Seungmin shift his weight on his other leg uncomfortably. 

“Geez. Minnie. If you go around saying things like that one day I might take it the wrong way.” Hyunjin placed his fists on his hips. 

“This is only a one time thing. I will never ask again.” Seungmin pouted a little, ignoring Hyunjin’s misunderstanding. 

“Yeah. Sure… Let’s get ready. Oh! Let’s pamper. I’ll get the face masks.” Hyunjin jumped up excitedly. Seungmin rolled his eyes, but never lost his adoring smile. 

…

Hyunjin wiggled under the sheets, beside Seungmin. 

“I was right.” Hyunjin said, as he stuck his chin up in a proud manner, even though it was dark and hard for Seungmin to see, yet he saw it. 

“Right about what?” Seungmin questioned, while tossing over onto his side to face the older. 

“Your bed is the comfiest” Hyunjin grabbed the edge of the sheet and pulled it up to his chin with a content sigh. Seungmin clicked his tongue. 

“So you’re just here for the bed, huh?” Seungmin said, as he grabbed a little dog plush that had been squeezed in between the two. Seungmin then proceeded to throw it. 

“Yah! No not PuppyM! And yes it’s only for the bed.” Hyunjin puffed in annoyance. Seungmin raised an amused brow. 

“Oh! So you’d have a problem if I did this then?” 

“Do wha-“ 

Seungmin latched onto Hyunjin waist pulling the others body towards his. Seungmin leaned his head onto the taller’s chest. His cheek was squished against the fabric and closed his eyes, as he listened to Hyunjin’s rhythmic heart beat. 

“Now, was it because of the bed?” Seungmin mumbled, while slightly rubbing against Hyunjin’s shirt. Hyunjin let out a giggle making Seungmin whine at the intense movement. 

“Silly puppy, it was never because of the bed. It was always comfy because of you.” Hyunjin wrapped his arms around Seungmin and tightly squeezed forcing Seungmin to huff some air out. 

Seungmin’s heart wouldn’t stop beating so sporadically. He and Hyunjin were a couple so why does it keep doing this on him. He internally rolled his eyes, he also felt very hot. 

Do I have a fever? Or is it just lo-lov- embarrassment?

…

“Happy birthday Lee Know hyung!” Felix grinned ear to ear. 

At least he seems to be in a better mood now. 

Lee Know thought as he returned a smile to Felix, but did the last thing anyone would think he would do. 

Felix was in Lee Know’s warm embrace. “Thank you Yongbokkie.” Lee Know let go then forced his hand to latch onto Felix’ scalp and he ruffled Felix’ hair, like an older brother would. 

Felix whined trying to escape, but as he thrashed his limbs to get away he ended up running backwards into someone else’s body. Felix turned to apologise only for his words to die on his tongue, as he stared into the dark brown chocolate eyes of Han. 

“Hey…Lix.” Han shyly waved. 

“Oh..yeah hi…” Both boys averted their eyes, while everyone else were watching and the room filled up to the brim with awkwardness. 

“Can’t you guys kiss and make up already?” Seungmin bluntly stated, but received a slap on the shoulder from Hyunjin. 

“Don’t be so insensitive, besides you can’t talk about kissing and making up.” Hyunjin huffed. Seungmin then shrugged, everyone’s attention then made it’s way else where. Chan and Changbin were talking about exercising.

“I’m telling you it’s better to do it in the afternoon, while in the morning you do cardio.”

“Well, I don’t like cardio. I prefer lifting weights and doing sets.” Chan and Changbin bickered. 

Han and I.N were in the corner whispering about something serious. 

“When are you gonna tell them Innie?” Han asked while having his fists glued to his hips. I.N had just gone through surgery and wasn’t completely 100%, but he felt better than he had days ago. 

“I will…later though. Just let me prepare myself. I’ll tell them later tonight. I promise.” I.N pleaded in a quiet voice. 

Felix was next to Lee Know they weren’t really talking, mostly observing everyone else, but Han could feel Lee Know and Felix’ glazes on him every now and again. Han shifted awkwardly on Chan’s couch under the watching eyes, as the party was still held at the older’s place with or without his consent. 

Han pulled out his phone and started scrolling through it. He thought he would browse social media, as he was bored. I.N had sat beside him, but dwelled in his own  thoughts. 

“Okay!” Everyone faced Lee Know who clapped his hands together, as Chan would. “I think we should start off with my ghost stories.” Lee Know smirked towards the members, but most importantly towards two very uneasy looking Australians. “First! Changbin the lights?” 

Changbin had his arms already crossed, but he huffed a breath out, as if he couldn’t believe he was being ordered. 

“Wait!” Changbin froze just before flicking the switches off. Felix stood fidgeting with his fingers, and looking like he was about to implode into himself. There was a pause, as everyone waited for Felix to explain himself. “I-I’m scared of the dark. P-please don’t turn the lights out.” Felix’ eyes pleaded to Changbin, whose face was now burning since Felix looked so freaking adorable with big uwu eyes, and maybe his thoughts can’t stop reminding him of that particular night. 

Changbin knew deep down that he didn’t want Felix like that, but oh it would have been so easy and pleasurable, yet Changbin held himself as a man of principles. Those principles wouldn’t be tarnished by taking advantage of Felix. Still, Changbin had used that night, as a new vision to relieve himself already. Felix looked so precious, and Changbin would do anything to keep him innocent and selfless. Even after the situation with Han. 

The other day Felix had asked how Han was going, but everyone started to worry since no one could answer. 

No one had heard a word from Han the next three days after Han came to Felix’ apartment. He didn’t come to school or check his phone. Hyunjin and Lee Know even went to house to check up on him multiple times. They almost called the cops and filed a missing person report, until a text in the group chat came through saying he was alright, that relaxed everyone a little. 

Still, when they asked where he disappeared too, he stated that he couldn’t say until I.N was ready. “I’m afraid of the dark too.” I.N spoke up. 

“Okay then. No lights out. That’s final” Chan concluded. Han heard Lee Know clicked his tongue. Han could only shake his head with a smile of amusement at Lee Know’s predicament. 

“At least dim the lights then.” Lee Know tried to compromise. 

“Does that work with everyone?” Chan looked around to have a gauge at everyone’s expressions especially Felix and I.N’s.  “We are good then.” Chan nodded to Changbin, who then proceeded to turn the dial above the lights making the room darker. 

“Sit down children. Let me show you all how to throw a real party.” Lee Know smirked as, he brought a torch to his chin, darkening some of his facial features and brightening the rest to hold an unhealthy pale white in serial killer kind of way. 

“I’m good here.” Felix took a step closer to Chan, just behind to a single arm chair. In that chair Changbin took dibs. Everyone found there way into the living space, some sitting on the carpet while Han and I.N occupied the couch. 

“It was the other night…” Lee Know stated with a low and serious voice catching everyone’s attention. Lee Know paused for dramatic effect while reeling his friends minds in. “The other night my friend and I rushed out of the house to catch the opening act at a local bar’s music night. After a few drinks I realised my phone wasn’t in my pocket. I checked the table we were sitting at, the bar, the bathrooms, and after no luck I used my friend’s phone to call mine. After two rings someone answered, gave out a low raspy giggle, and hung up.” Lee Know looked around making sure everyone was ready. “They didn’t answer the next few times I called. I eventually gave it up as a lost cause and headed home. I found my phone. Laying on my nightstand where I left it.” Lee Know smirked as he heard Hyunjin screech while clinging onto Seungmin for his dear life.  

Felix latched on Changbin’s shoulder with a jolt. While Lee Know was telling the story. He had begun to inch closer and closer to the older seating the chair. At first Chan felt sad that he wasn’t enough comfort to the freckled boy, but tried to get over it and let Felix do as he needed. Also, Chan himself inched closer to Changbin. Chan couldn’t help the shivers and tingles that made him shudder. After the ending Chan had glanced around making sure no one else was in his house.

“Pfft. That wasn’t that scary.” Han said with his chest puffed outward. “I bettcha I could tell better.” Han sent an amusing and arrogant smirk towards Lee Know. 

“Alright squirrel boy. Let’s hear it then.” Lee Know raised an eyebrow and gestured for Han to get on with it. Han cleared his throat. 

“I begin tucking him into bed and he tells me, “Daddy, check for monsters under my bed.” I look underneath for his amusement and see…” Han stopped for a dramatic pause “Him, another him, under the bed, staring right back at me quivering and whispering, “Daddy, there’s somebody on my bed.”” 

Felix was basically strangling Changbin at this point. Even BangChan had tugged at Changbin’s shelve for comfort. Chan tried to seem unbothered, but that was just for show. 

“Han! I swear if I don’t sleep tonight I blame you.” Hyunjin leaned over and smacked Han’s knee from where he was on the floor. 

“I don’t wanna hear any more.” Changbin heard Felix mumble. Changbin had decided that was enough. 

“Hey guys, let’s eat and do some presents.” Changbin looked around for any objections. 

“Presents?” Lee Know squeaked. 

“Yes, Lee Know presents. Don’t you know the meaning?” Seungmin crossed his arms and slurred his words in mockery. 

“Yah! Shut up. I know what presents are.” At this moment Lee Know remembered he never got Han a birthday present, but before he could dwell on any of those thoughts. Hyunjin grabbed his arm and pulled him to the dinning table. 

“I want cake!” Han whined. Chan huffed which was then was followed by a sigh, as he mentally thought about everyone having too much cake recently and it wasn’t good for his diet.   

Just as Felix got the cake out of the fridge.

The lights went out.

Causing him to squeal and drop what he was holding in his hands, so he could bring his hands up to check his pulse. He suddenly felt the warmth of gentle large arms, which Felix could only relate to Changbin. Felix’ hand lowered to his side. He was safe. Changbin was there to protect him just like all those times before, with that group, and from his own thoughts too. Changbin would protect his sunshine. No matter what. Felix knew that. Felix felt a vibrating hum next to his ear. 

Is he humming?

It was soft and inviting. Felix let his weight lean more into Changbin’s body, and Felix relaxed most of his muscles and closing his eyes. 

…

As soon as those lights went out, and pretty much all power. Hyunjin was about to grab Seungmin so they could sit next to each other while they did cake and presents, but instead his thoughts went to I.N from before; I.N said he was afraid of the dark. Little Innie, hated feeling no control of his situation, therefore Hyunjin had latched onto Seungmin’s hand and pulled him over to the couch where he was sure I.N would have collapsed back onto out of fear. 

“Innie? Are you there?” Hyunjin tried adjusting his eyes to see any large outlines of objects, Han wasn’t helping as he was screaming and forcing Hyunjin to roll his eyes in frustration. 

“I-I’m here.” I.N said, as he reached his arm out, and when his hand touched the fabric of Hyunjin’s jumper he gripped on to it tightly. 

“Are you okay?” Hyunjin’s voice was layered with worry. I.N just hummed in affirmation, while Hyunjin’s hand found I.N’s head and he rested it there. 

…

The lights flickered back on. Causing everyone to groan from the need of adjusting to the harsh light. 

Everyone’s eyes focused on one thing though. 

Chan.

Who was in the corner cowering in fear with his hands covering his ears his back faced to everyone. 

“Is he whimpering?” Lee Know raised a brow. Chan’s tightly shut eyes relaxed and begun to open once he felt the room light up. He turned and registered that Lee Know directed his question in thoughts of him. 

“What!?” Chan stood up scratching the back of his head while facing everyone. “I wasn’t. I was just tired so I sat down.” Chan side glanced with an awkward laugh. 

“Sure. That’s the reason.” Lee Know gave his infamous eye roll. 

“Okay! So straight back to presents and cake. Shall we?” Chan quickly tried averting the attention, still laughing uncomfortably. 

“I need a drink.” Lee Know stated dead panned, as he walked to Chan’s liquor cabinet.

“Hey! You can’t just-“

“Whose birthday is it Chan?” Lee Know interrupted.

“Yours.” Lee Know hummed with a nod of acceptance. “But still that’s my dad’s cab-“

“And who needs a drink after watching your performance, so I can forget and not tease you in future? Hmmm?” Lee Know raised a challenging brow. 

“You…” Chan had given up. “At least pour me one too.” Chan waddled over with his shoulders slumped in shame. 

…

“Psst Jinnie ah. Hey.” I.N gestured Hyunjin over with a wave of his hand. Hyunjin crossed the living room and sat next to the younger. 

“Why you little sh-. Respect me and call me hyung for once please. Now what do you want?” Hyunjin raised a confused brow. I.N leaned in causing Hyunjin to lean away, but then I.N grabbed his shoulder and pulled him closer. I.N’s lips were right next to Hyunjin’s ear, and Hyunjin could feel the hot breath tickle his earlobe. Causing goosebumps to run up his arms. 

“Did you do it?” I.N whispered. Hyunjin made a confused hum. 

“Do what?!” Hyunjin shouted quite loudly grabbing the group’s attention.

“Ask Seungminnie hyung out?” I.N asked proudly making sure everyone heard. Hyunjin’s cheeks flashed red, heat bubbled on his skin. 

“Innie Ah! Now everyone knows!” Hyunjin whined in protest. 

“WHAT!”

“HUH?” 

Chorus’ of questions and confused hums invaded the room and then a pause for answers a second later. 

“Well…How did it go?” I.N was first to directly ask. Hyunjin was about to say that it went great. That he and Seungmin were a couple, but Seungmin didn’t want to announce it yet, and instead of thinking about how Seungmin confessed first Hyunjin’s thoughts fell into a hole. A hole that never ended. A bottomless pit that was dark and caused a squeezing pain around his heart. Hyunjin’s face fell, his jaw went slack, and his eyebrows frowned down slightly. 

“Jinnie?” Seungmin walked over and put a hand on his thigh. Hyunjin’s breathing was starting to rapidly escalate. 

“Seungmin…I-I can’t…I don’t want to think about it.” Seungmin could see the tears prick his boyfriend’s eyes. 

“Shh. It’s okay. Do you wanna step outside and get some air?” Hyunjin nodded, and Seungmin took him out to the wooden porch that was through the kitchen.  

Everyone was confused, frowns painted each one’s faces. Chan went to go check on the duo.

“I think I need another drink.” Lee Know stated.

“Lee Know!” Changbin reprimanded. 

“What!? Just seems like it’s gonna be a long and emotional night. I need to cope somehow.” Lee Know shrugged, before pouring yet another glass. 

…

Everyone had been waiting in silence, expect for Felix who quietly whispered to Changbin asking if everything would be alright. The sliding door was heard making everyone look in that direction. 

Chan stepped through the kitchen, his face was scrunched up and fists balled. His gaze was fixated on the floor, while he stopped just before the living room. 

“H-Hyunjin. He had an accident, and well…that party mate of his Junho and his friends messed up his hair and ruined a few of his things. They have also been giving him grief the last few weeks.” Chan’s inhale seemed to have some weight to it. “I-I think it’s best that we all sit down and have a long discussion.” Chan glanced up at Lee Know. 

Lee Know shifted his weight to his other foot swinging his hip with it. “Yeah. Yeah. I know. I will tell everyone, but I need to be at least semi-drunk before saying anything.” Lee Know then proceeded to pour four tequila shots and downed them one by one. 

…

Lee Know exhaled shakily after explaining what had happened to him with Sujin, at least a less graphic version than what he told Han.

“I-I had no idea it was that bad.” Lee Know could see the glint off of Felix’ tears, as they fell down his face. 

“So…yeah. That’s what happened. I know I should of told all of you sooner, than what happened with Han wouldn’t have.” 

“Wait, what happened with Han?” Changbin uncrossed his arms with confusion. 

“Well…Binnie while you had your outbursts, Han here had a run in with Sujin.” Changbin’s face morphed from all different types of expressions, only to think the worst such as what happened to Lee Know. 

“You mean…” Changbin started, but was interrupted. 

“I- I just figured out the my ex-crush Jin the one I wanted to invite to hang with us was indeed Sujin trying to trick me, a-and…Issa was w-with him.” Han’s breath hitched. 

They will all know soon…

Han could feel himself shaking. He hoped no one noticed. 

I.N noticed. I.N noticed most things, therefore I.N put his hand on Han’s shaking knee. Han quickly looked beside him to I.N’s fox like smile. He mouthed the words ‘thank you’ and I.N nodded and Han knew that he meant to say was ‘no problem’ 

The air was heavy. Everyone’s shoulders slumped down and the quietness was deafening, as everyone wondered who was going to speak next and bring up the next depressing topic. 

“I-I lied to all of you.” I.N slightly startled Han from the sudden raise in his voice. 

Everyone pressed questioning stares. 

“What do you mean innie?” Chan asked with a gentle voice. I.N didn’t particularly want to answer Chan, but I.N was tired of being anger at him and playing this game with him. It was childish. 

“Han and his mother took me to Busan to have an operation. I am feeling better now, but I didn’t go on that business trip with my parents. I was alone for a few days…” I.N took a deep shaky breath. “I-I sorry…” I.N’s eyes closed, as he tilted his head towards. “I-I just left so alone, but I didn’t want to burden any of you.” He was sobbing, as he leaned forwards. Han patted his back, while saying reassuring things. 

Everyone sat in silence once again. 

“Man…we all are pretty fucked up. Aren’t we?” Lee Know giggled. Chan stood up from where he was from. 

“Well…I think that’s enough trauma talk for one night. Who’s up for a movie?” Chan glanced around waiting for his boys to jump and fight for which movie to watch like usual, but everyone sat in silence with the occasional side way glance. “It can even be a Disney movie.” Chan tried to push for reactions. When he was shown even more disinterest, he stumped his feet. “Okay. I get it. Guys we are all down in the dumps, but I believe if we are all here for each other everyone will turn out fine.” Chan smiled showing his dimples to everyone. 

“Chan’s right…we need to trust each other more. We need to lean on each other. We are all fighting our own demons, yet we keep thinking it’s our fight alone. It’s not…” Lee Know, yet semi-drunk spat out a very emotional and encouraging speech. Still having a drink in his hand. 

“I think that’s enough drinking for you for one night.” Chan went to pull the drink of of Lee Know’s hand in which resulted in Lee Know hissing at the older much like a cat.  

Felix also stood up suddenly, and marched towards Han. Han’s eyes widened in panic, but Felix just threw his arms around him. It took a moment before sobbing could be heard from the blond, and a wet patch had already starting growing on the back of Han’s shirt. Han’s arms were awkwardly hovering in the air, as the freckled boy was wrapped around his torso. 

“I-I thought something bad happened to you. H-Hannie. I couldn’t live w-with myself…” Felix’ breath hitched. “I-If you left, as things are now. I just couldn’t.” Jisung couldn’t help a small smile stretch onto his face, as he allowed his arms to hold his twin. 

“I’m so sorry I worried you, and I didn’t get the chance to apologise.” Han squeezed the younger a little. Felix sniffled with confusion. 

“Wha-what?” Felix retracted himself from Han. “Why do you need to apologise?” Felix tilted his head. Han frowned. 

“Because I rejected you.” Felix physically winced at the truth, but held a small sad smile instead. 

“It’s okay. Those were your feelings. I know that it can’t be forced, but I do love you so much, and ‘am happy to be twins. I don’t wanna be away from you like this any longer. It hurts too much.” Felix then dived into another hug, causing Han to laugh.

“Thank you for understanding Lix.” Han hugged back while resting his head on Felix’ shoulder, but unknown to Han. Felix expression held hurt. His eyes still watery, and a pouted frown. His heart will forever feel tight in Han’s company, but Felix knew it to be better than that throbbing ache he experience while worrying about  Han’s whereabouts. Felix took a deep breath, then separated from Han and made his way back to Changbin.

“Well…I’m keen on watching Mulan.” Lee Know stated with a proud head tilt upwards. Felix made a confused hum. 

“Hyung, You want to watch a Disney movie?” Felix asked shocked by this event. 

“Well yeah, if it’s Mulan. She has the highest body count in Disney. She’s a real badass.” Felix and pretty much everyone in the room couldn’t hold back the eye rolls and groans. 

“Of course that’s the reason.” Han mumbled. 

“What was that Hannie?” Lee Know smirked at him. Han snapped his head to face the brunette who had too much to drink. 

“Nothing.” Han let out an airy laugh. Lee Know started making his way over to him. Panic set in for Han. He still wasn’t over the…kiss. 

His face was on fire. How was he supposed to deal with these emotions? Lee Know bend over to get closer to his Han’s ear. “What did you say?…That you want another kiss?” Lee Know said in a hushed tone. 

Han couldn’t have any control over his body, as he retracted his hand about to slap Lee Know hard across the face, but fortunately Lee Know grabbed Han’s wrist. “Don’t worry. I’m not gonna tell…” Lee Know whispered in his ear once again. Han instinctively tried pulling his arm away, but Lee Know’s grip was strong. Han glanced at Lee Know’s smug looking face. His sly features knowing full well what he is doing. Han’s eyes followed down the older’s body to his groin. He didn’t mean to look. He really didn’t, but once Han saw that the older was hard. He couldn’t help his body form overheating and muscles twitching. His heart pounded in his chest threatening to lunge out and spill his insides, but that wasn’t the only thing threatening to spill his insides. Heat gathered down below his lower anatomy. 

Shit shit shit! No! You aren’t horny right now. He is drunk. He isn’t thinking straight. Think of something gross. Think of something gross. Like…poo. Yeah… Ew…I change my mind. Don’t think about that. 

Han felt like he was imploding. Lee Know had just glanced over him, with a predatory gleam in his eyes still leaning over Han. The only thing Han was grateful for was no one could really see what was happening, as Changbin and Felix were trying to find the movie. Seungmin and Hyunjin had gone to the bathroom. Leaving Chan who has been trying to speak to I.N. 

Lee Know finally stood back up. Han could finally have room to breathe. Han couldn’t look directly into Lee Know’s eyes though. If he did he knew he wouldn’t survive. 

“I just wanna say that I had a sneaky suspicious that Hyunjin and Seungmin were together. A couple days ago during lunch. I bet they didn’t have homework to hand in, instead they made out in the classroom or in the bathroom.” Lee Know slurred most of his nonsense. 

“Uh…Lee Know…you have a boner…” Chan pointed in his direction. Lee Know’s head looked down towards his crotch. 

“I guess I do.” Lee Know giggled, as if it was the funniest thing. “Do you wanna help me Channie.” Lee Know gave him pleading puppy eyes, while walking towards him with kiss noises and arms spread outwards. 

“Get away from me.” Chan got up ready to throw hands. He held off Lee Know the best he could, until Lee Know suddenly stopped. “Are you okay?” 

“ ‘M tired.” Lee Know proceeded to yawn, while stretching his arms over his head. Chan lowered his fists, and everyone started settling down. Changbin and Felix found the movie. Lee Know like a cat rotated on the spot before falling down on the floor and snoozing. 

Hyunjin and Seungmin returned with blankets and pillows for everyone. Both their lips bright red and swollen, but no one commented. 

Chan thought about how Hyunjin described his encounters with Junho and his mates. Chan couldn’t help but feel the same blinded rage towards them, as he did with Jae. Chan knew he would need to speak with Changbin about this, as now it’s not only one target. 

The movie was playing the first song about Mulan becoming a bride was playing in the background, yet Han wasn’t paying attention. He was eyeing Lee Know who was ‘Sleeping’. Everyone else had snuggled together. Hyunjin was finding it hard to stay awake. He was leaning on Seungmin’s shoulder, but every now and again his eyes closed and his body and head almost fell off the younger’s shoulder. Han was glad that those two finally got together it was so obvious from the beginning. 

Chan was fully awake, Han didn’t think he would sleep much. Changbin was still in his chair, with Felix on top of him. Han smiled at the scene. He really hope Felix could find someone he liked, most importantly Han hopes that someone can be Changbin. Felix’ glaze was so focused on the movie, but Changbin was studying Felix’ features and googling at the blond. Causing Han’s eyes to roll. 

I.N on the other hand, looked so sad. Han noticed he glanced at Chan every so often. Han continued to watch, as he noticed I.N slowly shift closer to the eldest. Very subtly. Han could see I.N take a deep breath before reaching his hand out and land it on top of Chan. Han was so happy to the point tears swelled in his eyes. He didn’t let them fall. Han was so glad to have everyone. He wanted to hold onto this moment forever, even the awkward and embarrassing moment with Lee Know. Even the pain of speaking as a group about our troubles, yet…Han knew one thing for sure. This wasn’t going to last for much longer. Not when Issa was around. Everyone will find out, and he will be thrown out like a stray. He would have to move, and that will be it. 

…

Han was walking through the school corridors. It was lively full of students loitering with friends. Han had a bounce in his step too. He felt so light and so bubbling. He giggled, as he saw I.N and Hyunjin in the distance. He was feeling like going out after school today. 

“Hey. Hyunjin. Innie. Wanna go out after school and eat spicy noodles? I bet I could eat more than both of you this time.” Han’s smile was wide and he showed off his gums. 

That smile didn’t last long. 

Hyunjin and I.N’s faces were twisted in disgust. 

“Why would we want to be friends with a murderer?” Hyunjin spat. 

“I still can’t believe you let them die.” I.N shook his head in disappointment. Han’s heart sunk, and it felt as though the air had been kicked from his lungs. 

“Wh-what!?” Han only managed to fumble out, as he felt something stuck in his throat. 

“Issa was right. We can’t be friends anymore.” I.N and Hyunjin turned to shun Han. Han’s limbs weakened, as he tried to reach a hand to them. 

Then he heard laughing only to turn around and see Issa with Lee Know, Chan and Changbin. Issa whispering to them. 

His friends looked at him with shocked expression which morphed into ones of fear and disgust. It hurt Han. His chest hurt. He tried tightening his hand on his front, as he kneeled down in pain while tightly shutting his eyes. 

It was quiet, but before he opened his eyes a door slammed shut. 

Han was in a bathroom stall. He stood up, but a tight squeeze pained his heart still making his limbs weak, as he ungraciously fell onto the wall beside him. It was cold. The wood was cold, therefore the metal hinges would be freezing. He heard a knock from his left. Someone must be in the stall next to him. 

He hoped it wasn’t one of his friends…well…ex-friends…Han didn’t realise he was crying. Until droplets fell onto the ground which he had been looking at with an unfocused stare. 

Those tear trails were suddenly dried by a chilly breeze that entered the stall. It confused Han. 

How can wind get in here?

A rushing sound made it to Han’s ears. 

What is that? Water? Is it the taps? 

Water.

A waved washed over the floor and into the stall hitting Han’s shoes. 

What the-

What’s going on? It’s flooding? 

Han tried to open the lock, but it was jammed. He tried using force. Trying to shake the lock open. 

“Open! Come on. Open for fuck sake. Please!” Han shouted, as his heart beat gushed in his ears, and almost out his chest. His pulse could be felt throughout his whole body. 

Han shakily stood on the toilet seat. New tears ran down his cheeks with sweat mixing in. 

No…I can’t be locked in here. 

Han’s fist bounced on the side of his thigh, as he tried to think of a way out. His eyebrows were curved in frustration and fear. His vision was a blur, but he could see the water raising. 

Someone was next to him right? In the next stall over. “Hello? Is someone there?” Han got no reply. “I heard you come in. Please. We need to escape.” Han said with a shaky breath. 

Something dropped in front of Han. A metal necklace. It was dangling in front of him. It’s I.N’s. 

“Innie? Is that you?” Han sounded relieved, but then remembered what happened moments before. Which stabbed at his heart. “Innie, Listen to me. I know that I’m not fit to be your friend, but I still care about you. I’ll get you out I promise.” The necklace dropped into the water that now was knee height even while Han stood on the seat. Then a splash from next to him was heard. 

“Innie?” The stall door next to him was trying to be forced open. “I already tried. We need to shout for help. Get back on the seat. The water is too high.” Han was still shaking the water was freezing cold. He could feels his lips turning blue, as he wrapped his arms around himself to try keep warm. 

Everything stopped. 

Han’s heart stopped. 

Because of what he heard next. 

Gagging from the stall next to him. 

“I-In-ie?” Han’s voice whispered, but the gagging turned into a gurgling sound. 

Oh god! I.N. No. No. No. 

No was chanting in his head over and over. His voice was stronger. 

“Innie! Stay strong.” Han shouted. “Please! Someone. Help!” Han’s eyes were wide open. 

No you can’t die on me. 

“Please! Help! I.N hang on. Help!” The water was just under Han’s chin. 

Not again…

“Han! Han!” Han could hear a voice. He knew who it was. Relief swept over him. 

We’re saved.

“Lee Know! I’m in here. Please help!” Han tried to take control of his sporadic breathing, as now he had to keep a float by kicking his legs. “Innie is drowning. Please. Save him.” Han choked out, almost sobbing, since he couldn’t hear anything from the stall next to him. 

…

Han’s eyes busted open wide. He had been kicking his legs, and shouting. 

“Shh. Hannie. I’m here. You were having a bad dream.” Lee Know’s voice was so soft and gentle, but Han was still shaking and adrenaline pumped through his body. He wasn’t going back to sleep any time soon. “You said Innie was drowning. It must have been really scary.” Lee Know didn’t seem sarcastic at all. It was too dark to make out his facial features, but Lee Know’s voice was layered in a thick sense of worry. 

“Can’t sleep well…” Han mumbled with a hoarse voice. His throat hurt, and he swallowed hard, but his silva felt like it was scratching his throat. 

“It’s okay. I’m here.” Han didn’t even realise, but he was in Lee Know’s arms. His head on Lee Know’s chest, as they leaned back on the couch. 

Snoring made it’s way to Han’s ears. It was Changbin, but Han wasn’t annoyed by it. He was reassured. Everyone was asleep. Han took a deep shaky breath in. He held for four then exhaled for four. Box breathing as Chan had taught him. 

“I’m okay.” Han whispered quietly. Lee Know stroked Han’s fringe out of his face, then used his nails his scratch gently on Han’s scalp. The younger hummed while relaxing in Lee Know’s embrace.  

“I’ll be here while you sleep and I’ll be here when you wake up. You know that right?” Han hummed in acceptance, he was too drained to really answer. He didn’t want to sleep again, but instead he closed his eyes and thought about his friends. 

…

“Cya!” Hyunjin waved goodbye, as he held Seungmin’s hand while walking down Chan’s driveway. Changbin and Felix following in tow. Chan watched them all gather into Changbin’s Porsche. Chan couldn’t hide his affectionate smile, but still he worried for Hyunjin and Seungmin, as so much has been happening with them. Chan needed to keep a better eye on them. 

Chan should have reached out to Hyunjin more, instead of worrying about his own problems. Problems…that reminds Chan…He needed to speak with Yuna. He needed to end their relationship. He knows that nothing is coming from this relationship. 

“Bye Channie hyung” Han ducked out of the doorway Chan was resting his arm on. Lee Know in close pursuit. 

“Yeah. Bye. Thanks.” Lee Know side glanced shyly. Chan knew Lee Know was  really grateful for throwing his party here.

“See you guys later.” Chan waved them off, before closing the door. Chan thought he would have to clean everything by himself, but he was surprised that the house was already clean. 

Ummm…what!?

“Oh! Channie. I just thought it would be a pain to leave you with all the mess.” I.N had a bundle of blankets in his arms, as he smiled. 

Innie?…I should’ve known. 

“Chan…I’m sorry that I’ve been giving you the cold shoulder. Just I’ve been…-“

“Upset.” Chan interrupted. I.N nodded with deep sigh. “I think it’s a fair punishment. I was out of line what I said at the cafe. Listen I.N…” Chan stepped closer towards I.N. “I-I think you are more family then anyone else in my life.” 

I.N shouldn’t have been hopeful that Chan was insinuating that I.N was the most important person is life meaning he was in love with him. I.N knew he shouldn’t be hopeful, but god damn he wanted Chan to wake up so badly. Maybe, Chan has…maybe this was it. Chan was going to confess and I.N and him would finally be together. 

“You’re the best little brother I could ask for.” Chan then grabbed I.N and ruffled his hair. I.N’s heart sunk into the deep depths of brother zoned once again. 

A silent sigh escaped his lips. “I’m always gonna be here for you Channie. Sorry I took so long.” I.N let out an awkward airy laugh. Chan let him go and winked. 

“No problem. At least you made it.” 

… 

“Hannie!” Lee Know called. 

Han could already feel the warmth creep onto his face. Remembering the kiss and last night. He was literally using Lee Know as a bed. He groan internally. 

This guy is gonna be the death of me.

“What’s up?” Han laugh awkwardly.

“Wait here. Do not move.” Lee Know held his hands out as if Han was a piece of art work that was precariously hanging on an easel which could fall or break. Han tilted his head in confusion.

“Okay?…” questioned Han, as he turned to sit down on the curb. “I’ll stay right here” and as Han turned around to face Lee Know again the boy was gone. A sigh escaped Han chapped lips, and a shiver ran up his spine. 

It’s so cold today. I hope he doesn’t take too long or I might actually freeze to death.

Han didn’t wait too long until he heard heavy footsteps running towards him. A sweaty cat like boy panted while leaning over slightly and supporting himself with his knees. Lee Know raised out a hand to stop Han from saying or doing anything. That’s when Han noticed a plastic bag in Lee Know’s other hand. 

Lee Know finally stood up straight and the cold crisp air made his cheeks and nose a tinted pink, but also his skin seemed to shine with a thin layer of sweat that was quickly evaporating into a mist that made Lee Know dream-like. The smile he possessed towards Han filled the boy with a warmth that dwelled deep within. 

“Here.” Lee Know extended his hand out, as well as averting his gaze away from Han. 

“Why did you buy this for me? You didn’t have too.” 

“It’s a belated birthday gift.” Lee Know couldn’t look Han in the eyes as he said it, he was embarrassed and ashamed of his past mistakes, but right now this moment. Just being with Han was a blessing he never wanted to lose. A blessing in the shape of someone he could truly trust.  

“Thank you Hyung!” Han smiled, as he opened it, but that smile faded once he realised what it was. It didn’t fade because he didn’t not like it, yet because he was deeply moved. He looked up at Lee Know with eyes he hoped conveyed as much gratitude he could conjure while he said his next words with sincerity. 

“Thank you. Hyung.” 

Lee Know blinked at Han with wide eyes. His body wants to retract and his eyes desperately want to avoid seeing the other’s due to the health risks that have been straining his own heart, but right now not even the brightest star or moon could even come close to looking as beautiful and vulnerable as Han did in this particular moment. This Han that seemed to appreciate Lee Know’s thoughts and actions was the Han he had fallen for. 

Lee Know cleared his throat. “You’re welcome.” 

Silence befell both boys, as only hot breaths could be heard and seen in the cold night’s air. 

“Hannie…” Lee Know broke said silence. 

“Yes.” 

“If you ever have trouble sleeping even with that dream catcher, then promise to call me?” Lee Know bit the inside of his cheek. He felt ridiculous saying that out loud. He feels like a 5th grader talking to his crush, at this thought Lee Know mentally rolled his eyes towards himself.

“I definitely will hyung.” Han stepped forward a little. Lee Know couldn’t help but wonder if it was on purpose or not, but he saw Han lick his lips that seemed dry because of the cold air. 

“Here.” Lee Know digged something from out of his pocket, and held it out for Han to take. Han hesitantly took it, with a confused noise. 

“B-but this is…Are you sure? If I use this then we are indirectly kis-“ 

“We have already kissed, so it can’t be that bad. But if you can’t handle that, then I’ll just take it back and your lips can hurt all they want.” Lee Know interrupted. Han’s breath hitched at the mention of their kiss. 

Maybe it’s normal to kiss friends. I mean our group is weird enough as it is. 

“I’ll use it.” Han said, as he pouted and spread the lip bam over his chapped lips making them glossy. 

Lee Know couldn’t help but he memorised by the scene of Han putting on HIS lip bam. Lee Know gulped, but as soon as Han was finished Lee Know’s face was bright pink and hidden behind his hands, but his excuse was he is just using them to warm up his face with his breath. 

“Okay. I’ll walk you home.” Lee Know then reached for Han’s hand connecting them, and started walking. Han’s brain was going haywire, as Lee Know guided him along. He is so glad to have a friend like Lee Know who allows him to be himself and forget most of the pain and guilt that festers like a infected wound. 

Chapter Text

Hello everyone.

I'm incredibly sorry for such a long wait, but I have the last two chapters planned out and between University and my other fic, and other things... I have't gotten around to finish writing the next chapter. Hopefully now that Uni's first semester is finished I can have some free time to work on it. Thank you for everyone who has been on this journey, and depending on your opinions and comments I might continue to do a second part where the boys are in college. Which was my original idea, however it's only if the the people speak and want that. 

Thank you again. Hopefully you won't be waiting much longer. See you all soon. 💜

Chapter Text

“Why not?” Changbin pouted at Felix, who had been currently going over some study notes during their lunch break. Felix wanted to pass this exam for Korean and that meant he needed to study harder, yet since holidays will be starting you would think it’s the last thing that he should be doing. 

However, Felix’ finals for Korean got pushed back due to unforeseen circumstances for the internationals.

Felix also had been attending extra curricular classes for his Korean. He got bullied for the way he spoke and that kinda stuck to him, therefore he made it his mission to get better. Also, this was a good excuse to stop thinking about Han. 

The only problem was…

His social life was causing his studies to suffer now more than ever. 

“I have work. How else am I supposed to pay for my apartment’s rent?” Felix glared at Changbin before going straight back to his notes. 

“I could pay it for you…you know?” Changbin kept a pouty lip while crossing his arms. 

“Binnie! I would never ask for you to do that, besides I want to prove to my family I can do it.” Felix furrowed his brow. He was trying to keep a straight head and not be lead on to the temptations of Changbin and his insanely amount of wealth, however Felix did see Changbin’s soft smile of something a kin to pride. 

“So…You’re really not coming Lixie?” Han finally joined the table with Lee Know following pursuit. 

“He isn’t? Whose going to make my favourite halloween special brownies?” Lee Know’s brows drew a line so deep that even Felix understood Lee Know was being serious. 

“Can’t you buy them from Sara Lee’s bakery like last year? Lix has too much on his plate already.” Changbin came to the rescue. Lee Know’s irrigated look became even more agitated if that was even humanly possible. Then he went on mumbling about how life was so unfair to him and that Felix’ brownies have destroyed his palate for any other baked sweets which are now too mundane if not Felix’. 

Felix sighed with annoyance. He couldn’t concentrate with all his friends in his face, so he got up and decided to head for the library. 

…

“You’re kidding me?!” Han expressed with vigour. Han smashed his hands on the table causing heads to turn towards their group. “Felix, and now you two? Gonna ditch us so you can go on a date.” Han huffed a laugh. “Min- ah - Lee Know can you believe them?” Han suggested to the two bodies sitting across from him. 

“Listen. Jisung it’s just that we want to spend some time together that night, we aren’t up to partying again. We have done it like every other week.” Seungmin explained, as he took hold of Hyunjin’s hand in the process. 

“But-but it’s halloween!!!” Jisung’s eyebrows formed lines of concern and urgency that no one had predicted. 

“Is halloween your favourite holiday or something?” Hyunjin rose a brow at how hard Han was trying to convince them. 

“Halloween is my favourite.” LeeKnow pipped in. 

“No…just…” Han couldn’t help get riled up. He was sweating and fidgeting frantically. Han couldn’t stop his leg from bouncing either. 

“Just what Hyung? Are you okay?” Seungmin asked with a tilt of his head. 

Han’s head swelled. He was getting too emotional. The reason; he couldn’t say. He couldn’t say that it might be the last time we hang out before you all know the truth. That I killed someone.  He wouldn’t be able to face any of them. He felt bile cling to the back of his throat and before he could say anything.

he vomited. 

On the table.

In front of everyone. 

This was a disaster. He hated this. Even after his lunch came up that guilty and nagging feeling kept pestering his insides. His throat burned with that bitter acidity taste that made him want to puke again, however he held himself together although, his whole body shook, as he stared at his filth, he couldn’t look up. He couldn’t look in the eyes of his friends. He could only face the remains of his lunch. 

Bits of rice, covered in a greenish, brownish pool. White chunks of something and chilli from the curry, it spread to Seungmin’s food that was across the table. Han felt his cheeks drain and he probably looked like a ghost. He didn’t want to be here. He couldn’t be here. Yet, with all the commotion Lee Minho had ended up having his hand on Han’s thigh to stop the leg bouncing. Han can’t even remember when he did it, but his touch was the only thing keeping him grounded right now. Murmuring from the whole cafeteria started and Han just couldn’t escape the thoughts of a certain person-no people that lingered there. Issa and Sujin. They are looking at him and Han had no doubt they were enjoying every bit of it. 

“Hannie” A hushed voice was something Han held onto to for a distraction. “I’m going to take you to the bathroom. So, we can clean you up.” 

Han was confused at first, but then realised it wasn’t just the table he threw up on. He threw up on himself too. The warmth of the puke now prominent on his arms and thighs then with sheer horror, Lee Know’s hand was covered also. 

Already the fuzzy taste in his mouth was mixed with a salty one. Tears staining his cheeks as Lee Know helped him up and dragged him across the room, and out of the cafeteria towards the restroom.

…

Lee Know had no idea why, but something wasn’t right with Han. He had been acting strangely and he was going to get to the bottom of it. 

Lee Know quickly rinsed his hand before focusing on Han, whose legs were covered. He needed to clean Han up, and talk to him, however Han had been crying and crying and he can’t get a straight sentence from him. 

“Han? Please. Come on let’s wipe those tears away and get you cleaned.” Lee Know used the paper towelling which was beside the sink and added the tiniest bit of water and started to gently wipe Han’s pants. 

“I-I-I’m sorry. I didn’t do it. I didn’t mean it.” Lee Know glanced up into the eyes of the younger. 

He is always apologising for something. Something I have no idea about…it’s most likely his past and what happened with the group of friends after that sleepover…hmmm…

Lee Know had been lost in thought for a second before a sniffle brought him back to reality. Lee Know continued to wipe Han’s pants, yet the mess wasn’t going to come off that easy. 

“Did you bring gym shorts?” Lee Know asked. Han gave a small nodded. “You may just have to wear those…but then again it’s really cold…I’ll wear the gym shorts while you borrow my uniform pants. Sound good?” Han parted his lips and held an unbelievable awe stuck gaze towards Lee Know, then proceeded to shake his head. This reaction caused Lee Know ’s eyebrows to dive into his eyes, he couldn’t understand why Han didn’t think that wasn’t a good idea. Lee Know’s eyebrows shot back up in surprise at the realisation, then his lips started to curve up into a small smile while his eyes softened.

“Oh Hannie. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me okay. I don’t mind the cold. You on the other hand, I care too much about you, I can’t let you catch a cold now can I?” Lee Know’s cheeks dusted with pink as he confessed that he cared. However upon hearing those words, Han started balling his eyes out again like a child would, then his breath hitched simultaneously kinda like a hiccup, while Han reached desperately for Lee Know’s hand for balance. 

“I’m sorry. It got on you.” Han folded down as he had no strength to stay standing up. Lee Know didn’t really even care that his hand got dirty, but it seemed it mean everything to Han at this particular moment. Lee Know’s heart swelled and he wanted to coo at Han.

“Hannie. Thank you.” That sentence caused Han to shoot back up and stare into Lee Know’s eyes. Lee Know could see the glossy tears over Han’s eyeballs that seemed to shine. “You know, you look so pretty even with teary eyes that are swollen and red.” Lee Know breathed out as he pushed some of Han’s fringe behind his ear and out of the way, and in doing so leaned closer. Han however, was still, shocked by Lee Know’s words and then again, guilt struck. 

Han wanted to believe Lee Know with all his heart, however Han knows the reality once they figure it out. He will be hated. And Lee Know trusts me… for now, so he will end up hating me most I should I have made friends… I should have never let my feelings get the better of me… It will hurt Lee Know, but Han can’t do anything to prevent it. He likes Lee Know too much to stay away. No…Han loves Lee Know so fucking much, it hurts. Han wants to be with Lee Know all the time, forever. Alas it’s the impossible. Han knows it all to well. He is reminded everyday when he looks in the mirror. He is a killer. Why didn’t anyone tell me, it would hurt this much? 

Han wanted to be greedy though. 

Just once. 

Han wanted to pretend that he haven’t killed someone. He wanted to pretend that he was just some normal hormonal teen that just has this stupid crush. Therefore,

Han leaned forward. Lips inches away.“Sorry about my breath.” Han whispered. 

“Like I care.” Lee Know said rolling his eyes before finally he locked their lips together. 

Why didn’t anyone tell me, it hurt this much to love…

…

“Boo!” Jisung jumped out in front of Lee Know who raised an eyebrow in amusement, which in retaliation caused Jisung to pout, since it wasn’t the reaction he had hoped for. Lee Know caught on as Han’s aura expelled disappointment and then Lee Know couldn’t help but smirk fondly and roll his eyes playfully at the other who’s eyes were cast downwards. 

“Ahh! Hannie? You scared me!” Lee Know tried. He really did, but that only served him a punch in the arm. Han lifted the white sheet that was over his head. 

“Don’t patronise me!” 

“Why me? patronising you, never?” Lee Know said sarcastically, as he gasped while holding a hand to his chest from being accused. 

Han rolled his eyes which Lee Know said was his thing, then Han asked what was his costume, and let’s just say that Han wasn’t impressed with Lee Know’s answer of himself, since he is scary enough and argued that all he needed to do was ask Hyunjin for confirmation. 

“So, you guys ready?” Chan came out dressed as a vampire, his toothy smile showed his plastic fangs and fake blood dripped down his chin. 

“Yeah! We’re ready.” Jisung grinned, while tossing the sheet over his body. Lee Know could see his eyes through the holes that had black sharpie coloured around them. Han’s eyebrows pinched together as he noticed Lee Know judging him. “What?!” 

“Oh, just your costume…so original.” Lee Know stated sarcastically with a smirk, which in the end earned another punch in the arm. 

“You’re no better. Who dresses up as themselves on halloween?”

“Me. I do” Lee Know couldn’t wipe off that antagonising smirk from his face. It frustrated Han to no end. 

“Hurry up you two!” I.N called from the front door of Chan’s place…well parent’s place. 

 Han and Lee Know made their way to the other three waiting on the front porch. Chan locked the door of the house, and the five of them got into Chan’s car and drove off. 

…

“Minnie?” Seungmin hummed in response looking up from his laptop to Hyunjin who sat on his bed. “D-do you love me?” 

“Where is this coming from all of a sudden? Of course I love you.” Seungmin had an eyebrow raised in confusion. 

“Okay” Hyunjin squealed and rolled around in Seungmin’s bed. All Seungmin could do was roll his eyes and shake his head slightly at the scene before continuing his assessment. 

Not even 2 minutes later. 

“I’m hungry!” Hyunjin whined. 

“Gosh you’re so needy.” Seungmin laughed, as he made his way towards Hyunjin. 

“Nah-ah. I just need love and attention every second or I’ll die.” Hyunjin whined like  toddler then pouted. Seungmin lowered himself on his bed causing the mattress to creak at the added weight. Seungmin held a predatory look in his eyes as he inched closer and closer to Hyunjin. Seungmin couldn’t help but giggle inside his mind at Hyunjin’s gulp. 

“What’s wrong? Didn’t you say you wanted attention? Well…I’ll start with this” just before Hyunjin could ask what; Seungmin’s lips collided with the boy in front of him. Hyunjin visibly relaxed as Seungmin started to move him further back. Once Seungmin was on top of Hyunjin the kiss grew like fire; eating the oxygen away quicker than anything, however the flame was spinning out of control. It grew hungrier and hungrier. Hyunjin slid the tip of his tongue out onto Seungmin’s lips tasting them even more. Seungmin knew Hyunjin wanted access, therefore as soon as he parted his lips the tiniest bit, Hyunjin forced them open and his tongue explored further into his mouth wanting to know every part that no one else will. 

Seungmin let out a small moan, which Hyunjin guessed surprised himself, as Seungmin froze. Seungmin disconnected their lips and whispered a small shaky apology. Hyunjin didn’t understand what was wrong at first but before he had the chance to ask;

“Hyung…I-I think I-remember…” Hyunjin glanced up into the younger’s eyes which were filled to the brim with water. 

“Oh Minnie.” Hyunjin softened his eyes as he sat up and his shoulders dropped. He instinctively wants to comfort the boy now in front of him. Seungmin now held his face in his hands muttering apologies over and over. Hyunjin noticed Seungmin’s shoulders jerky up and down, then a loud sob came from the boy. “Minnie. Hey, I’m here for you. We don’t have to do anything okay. Let’s take it slow. What you went through” Was my fault. Hyunjin took a deep breath. “It wasn’t right, and I’ll always be here for you. How about I get you something to eat and drink and we watch that drama you told me about? Hmm sound good?” Seungmin sniffled and gave a small nod. 

…

“Hello. Happy Halloween! How may I help you?” Felix bowed as a new customer came in. 

“Hello. I would like the special monster smoothie, and triple chocolate ghost brownie please.” Felix smiled and received the cash and got started on making the smoothie. Felix loved working at this little cafe, however it’s usually open until midnight and getting to school the following day while studying during work put a big toll on the poor boy. 

“Here you go.” Felix brought the smoothie and brownie to the customer. Felix’ apron wrapped around his body snuggly and was a navy blue. The cafe theme was usually a bright yellow with a natural vibe, however tonight was special as it was Halloween. Therefore, fake cobwebs and spiders decorated the walls, little graves were holding the table numbers and special items on the menu were halloween themed. Felix himself was wearing an halo for a costume. He continued working on his paper for Korean classes, while waiting for new customers to come in. He really missed his friends and hoped they were having a lot of fun. With a sigh the bell ring from the door only reminded him that he is still at work. Felix bowed not looking at the customer as he welcomed them. 

“Hello. Welcome to-“

“I remember you. You were with Hyunjinnie~ that day.” Felix froze at the voice. He recognised it. A smoky but unsettling smoothness of it was hard to forget. Felix glared up through his eyebrows, as his assumption was indeed correct. 

Felix shivered as the hairs on his arms stood on high, however he didn’t falter. He kept a glaring look at the new customer. “What would you like to order?” Felix clenched his teeth as he spoke. 

“Oh~ are you on the menu, Angel? When do you finish work? I can wait for you and take you home.” Felix’ muscles twitched as he wanted to leave and run away. He didn’t feel that safe. 

“If you aren’t going to order than I’ll have to ask you to leave.” Felix stated as in the workplace policy. Felix could feel his hands slightly shaking as he remembered Hyunjin’s reaction to seeing this man. He was dangerous. Knowing now that this guy was the cause, made Felix alert and ready to attack. 

The the man bent forwards and squinted at Felix.

“Felix? Hmm what a cute name Angel” Felix couldn’t help but cover his name badge in reflex, as the man in front read it aloud while standing straight back up again. A swelling in Felix’ stomach made him want to dry reach. 

“Oi! He said order or get lost!” Felix jerked at another voice cutting through the air. Felix’ eyes landed on the previous customer, he was a tall guy with a sharp jaw line and a tiny mole under his eye, which reminded him of Hyunjin. 

“Who the fuck are you telling me what to do?” If Felix remembers correctly the guy’s name was Jae. The other customer’s nostrils flared. 

“I’m the guy who is telling you to not harass this employee.” 

Jae growled with frustration, as he stared down the other. For a moment Felix thought that they would break out into a fist fight however, Jae snarled and huffed before walking towards the entrance. 

“You better watch out Angel. You and your friend will see me again. My promise to you.” Jae then left. Felix hadn’t realised he was holding his breath, because as soon as Jae left Felix let out a huge sigh and almost collapsed, however before his legs gave out the other customer caught him. 

“Woah! Better watch out there.” The man’s hand was around Felix’ waist and Felix stared into his soft brown eyes. Felix swore his heart skipped a beat which he thought only Han could do that. The customer coughed awkwardly as he helped Felix up and balance himself. “Did you know that jerk?” Felix wiped his hands on his apron making sure to rub off any sweat from his palms. 

“Umm…yeah…” Felix’ eyes lowered to the tiled floor. “He hurt my friends…and wants to get me I guess” Felix still felt slightly shaking. The costumer look Felix up and down. 

“I see. He scared you. I can stay with you just in case he comes back. I need to study anyway and I don’t mind the company.” Felix’ eyes widened at the offer. 

“W-what? O-oh you don’t have to. I mean I would appreciate it immensely, however I take care of myself. I- I mean I’ll be shutting really late, a-and I don’t w-want take your time. Umm..and thank you for saving me.” Felix bowed, while cursing at himself in his own head for seeming like a complete fool.  

The customer only brought his hand in a fist towards his mouth to help cover up his giggle. “Uh! Sorry excuse me if I seemed rude for laughing, but you are somehow very endearing. It reminds me of a friend of mine.” The customer smiled warmly and Felix couldn’t help feel his face grow hotter. Felix fidgeted with his hands, as he rose up looking into the customers eyes. 

“Thank you?…” 

“You’re very welcome. I’m BamBam and you’re…Felix?” BamBam glanced at Felix’ name tag. This time Felix didn’t feel the need to hide it instead moved is hand under his name tag to show it off. 

“Yep! Nice to meet you BamBam Hyung.” Felix smiled showing his teeth on display. 

“Same to you Felix. I’ll go head over to my seat while you continue your work. I might order a a coffee too. Iced Americano please.” Felix perked up at the order. 

“Coming right up.” 

…

“Too bad the others couldn’t come. I think they would have enjoyed it.” Han mentioned as they walked up to buy tickets for the haunted house, it was too hot therefore, his ghost sheet was bundled up in his hand, slightly dragging on the ground. Han really wished that they came. He wanted to spend more time with them, and with each day he feels it’s getting closer towards them finding out the truth. 

“Don’t worry Hannie. I’ll make you forget about them.” Lee Know winked with a smirk. 

“More like you’ll be too scared to even think about them.” Chan gulped, and shuffled on his feet a little as he handed out the tickets.  

“Oh~ is Channie hyung scared?” Lee Know couldn’t wipe off his grin. Chan punched his arm in defence, causing that smirk to disappear as Lee Know rubbed his arm giving Chan a death stare. 

“SoRry, just nervous.” Chan’s eyes pleaded for forgiveness, as his voice betrayed him with a crack. Han, Changbin and I.N were trying to contain themselves from laughing. “Okay.” Chan coughed. “We will spilt into groups. I.N, Changbin with me, and Lee Know and Han.” 

The group pressed towards the entrance of the haunted house. It was dark and eerie. Black walls with bio hazard symbols everywhere. Some fake green acid buckets that were being spilt surround the entrance. 

A little sign read. ‘Warning. Warning. This is a radioactive area, please turn back’ Lee Know thought it was quite amateur but entertaining nevertheless. Lee Know clicked his tongue, as the first trio enter the haunted house. 

“What?” Jisung asked. 

“I wanted to go through with Chan, because he hates this stuff and I love to watch him squirm.” Lee Know giggled. Jisung just pouted. 

“am I not good enough?” Han then placed his hands on his hips, which caused Lee Know to hook his arm through Han’s right arm and place his hand on the small of Jisung’s back to pull their bodies closer.

“I never said this was the worser pairing.” Lee Know smirked, as he was inches away from Han’s face. Han’s cheeks dusted pink and his nose twitched from being told. “Cutie” Lee Know booped his nose and Han freaked out from the sensation but before he could complain Lee Know pressed his lips onto Han’s. 

Han loved this feeling. Lee Know and him. They haven’t really been offical and Han knows they never will be. At that thought Han pulled himself away. Once he did and he looked back at Lee Know he saw his eyebrows twisted in concern and his eyes widened from shock. 

“What’s wrong?” Lee Know whispered. Han could feel a pinch in his nose and tears started to water his vision, therefore he brought his hands up to clear his eyes. 

“It’s nothing, I’m just so happy to have you.” Han lied and didn’t lie at the same time. It was so contradicting for them to do this. His mind half of the time was so foggy that he didn’t know what he felt, yet the other half wanted to be with Lee Know and his friends. It’s the only time he has really ever felt at home. Han looked at Lee Know who still seemed unconvinced. Han blinked a few times making sure no more water was left in his eyes before slowly coming back and reconnecting their lips. It was a chaste kiss. “I think I love you Lee Know.” Han said after parting. 

“You think? My god- Hannie you drive me insane. I want us to be offical. I don’t want anymore secrets from our friends.” Lee Know smiled softly at Han. Han’s heart soared but at the same try clutched so tight it physically hurt. 

“I-“ 

“Can you guys hurry up? You’re holding up the line!” Some girl interrupted Han, and the two apologised and entered the haunted house. 

…

“Ahhhhh!” Chan jumped from a walking corpse that appeared from the hospital bed. “It’s okay. Haha. I’m not scared. Wha wha wha- what’s that?” Chan pointed towards a moving animatronic of an radioactive animal, as he grabbed I.N and hid before the younger’s back. 

“BANG CHAN! You scared me!” Changbin yelled. I.N just rolled his eyes at the two big babies. 

“Sorry mister worker for these two being so loud. You guys have done a great job! Hwaiting!” I.N said to the employee dressed up as a zombie. 

“Yah! Innie! Don’t make us look bad.” Chan whined. I.N then took his hand and guided him through the next part. Changbin watched the two go ahead. 

Changbin wished Felix could have come. He would have protected Felix if he was scared and then maybe Felix would finally fall- Who was Changbin kidding…Lix was never gonna see him that way. Changbin will probably end up being arranged to some daughter of a big company CEO just for Mr Seo’s own company’s gain. Changbin sighed, and continued walking through. 

…

“So, I’m thinking we corner him here. No one is usually around when he goes, therefore its the best place to confront him.” Changbin pointed to one of the monitors that showed planning documents of Jae’s schedule and locations through his phone. 

“Perfect, next week he will finally get what’s coming to him. I will not let anything bad happen to the boys again.” Chan clenched his fists. 

“I don’t think this is the most effective way to go about it. Why not just talk with the police or just move on? Unless or until something else happens. Just think about Seungmin and Hyunjin they are just wanting to forget about the whole thing and not chase after revenge” I.N had been listening and reading there plans before they even realised he was in the room.

“They can’t forget if the guy is still out there Innie.” Chan says. I.N’s eyebrows never left there curved worried state. 

“I understand that Hyung…just…never mind…” I feel like you are doing this more for yourself than for them. They have never said they wanted to get revenge, they just want to forget.

“Hey. Don’t worry too much Innie, besides once this is all done and dusted I’m planning on us all moving in together. I’m going to get a loan and Binnie is gonna pitch in. We will all live in a shared house for college.” Chan glanced towards Changbin as he explained their future plans with a cheerful smile which showed off Chan’s adoring dimples, and in all reality to I.N it did sound amazing. Living with all his friends, with Chan, away form his parents. I.N took a deep breath in and let it out. 

“Okay. Sounds good.” I.N laughed causing the air to get lighter. Chan got up and hugged I.N. At first I.N tensed once Chan hugged him then Innie melted and this hug just felt so right to him, like he belonged in Chan’s arms. I.N could smell his cologne and shampoo. He could smell more than that. He could smell Chan and he was so addicted. When Chan released the younger, it took so much restraint for I.N not to whine and ask for more. I.N instead decided to go into the living room to join Han and Lee Know who were playing on Chan’s switch. 

It had been a few hours and it was about half past 12 in the morning. Changbin, Lee Know and Han left already. Chan had been working on some music and I.N had been reading a book that he took from Chan’s shelf. I.N liked his own company. He liked being alone however, after awhile he starts feeling lonely and he hates that. He feels like no one is on his side when that feeling weighs down on him. He put the book back and ended up heading towards Chan’s studio. Chan’s parents are always away. Always back in Australia with other family, however Chan doesn’t seem to sad about it, but I.N knows that he gets sad and lonely just as much. 

I.N notices that Chan dives into his songs to forget his loneliness, and I.N knows that most people don’t see that. Only Changbin is the other person that really understands Chan to that level. I.N admires Chan as the hard worker he is however loosing sleep and lack of food from it, is dangerous. I.N really does want to forgive Chan from the cafe. 

I.N just needs another apology so things can go back to what they once were, however…

The more I.N thinks about how things were he dreads it more. He doesn’t want Chan to think of him as a little brother. He wants Chan to love him. To get rid of Yuna. I.N wants Chan to finally be free. 

I.N stood in the entrance way of the studio. He peered into the darkness only a bright screen with a DAW program up. Chan was wearing headphones while playing on the keys of his midi keyboard. 

I.N is hesitating. He should just ask Chan for the apology, then it can go back as to before. It’s so frustrating. Even if things did somehow end up changing how could Chan love someone as sick and weak as me? 

“Hey Innie…what’s wrong?” I.N looked up to Chan turned from his laptop and with his headphones off. 

“Oh…um…I just…” I.N entered further into the room and sat down on the bright red couch.  “Are you gonna apologise?” I.N blurted it out. His eyebrows curved up in a pleading way.

I.N could see the panic on Chan face, then he started pulling faces as if trying to think of what he had done wrong. I.N couldn’t help but snicker with a smirk.

“The cafe…I still want another apology.” I.N’s smirk melted into a frown. His facial features hardening in a serious manner. This was important to him. 

Chan stood up. Something I.N didn’t expect. Chan walked towards I.N and sat next to him grabbing his hands at the same time. “I.N. I am deeply sorry for what I said that day. It still tears me up and I have no idea how that must have felt from your end- no more like a can’t comprehend what it would’ve felt like. I.N you are my family, and no matter what that won’t change no matter what.” Chan stood back up and placed a hand on the side of Innie’s head and planted a kiss on the top of his head. 

I.N couldn’t help but hum in content with the apology, but also the tender feeling of Chan’s actions. That content didn’t last long after he remembered that it’s brotherly love Chan felt. May always feel…

“Channie…I’m-“ I.N was interrupted by the ring of the door bell. Both boys looked at each other. 

“Who could that be? It’s so late.” Chan got up and went to the door. “Ahh. Mrs Yang. How’ve you been?” Chan smile at I.N’s mother. 

“I’ve been fine. I’m here to pick Jeongin up. It’s very late and I family plans tomorrow.” I.N’s mother stated. Chan couldn’t help but think she looked like a peacock, so poise and elegant. She held herself like any successful business woman would. 

I.N left with his mother reluctantly. Waving Chan goodbye. Chan closed the front door with a heavy sigh. He didn’t know why but I.N’s mother had an effect on him, as if she was his examiner for a piano recital. Scary and strict but elegant and gracefully. Deadly combination. 

However,

Once that pressured feeling went away a fuzzy and warm feeling replaced it. I.N forgave him. He got Innie back. They were brothers again, yet why did that warm feeling have a slight nagging pull. Maybe Chan would never know. He was just thrilled to be his brother once again. Like almost everything was put right once again. 

…

Chan had his clothes off already. Laying on his bed he had a toy called Tenga. It basically felt like the inside of a vagina or asshole. Chan had put lube on the inside and he closed his eyes picturing a girl wearing a Halloween costume of a fox. 

The fox girl wore a black harness and her ears perked up at the sight of Chan’s hard cock. She licked up the side, and Chan groaned as he used the Tenga slightly pushing it down engulfing his length. The sound of a moist squish echoed through the room. Now in Chan’s mind the fox girl stood up spinning around showing herself off. Chan smile as the fox girl climbed on top of Chan using her hands to feel anything she desired. She gently pinched the bud of Chan’s nipples causing him to shiver. She proceeded by licking, then sucking making moist popping sounds ringing inside Chan’s head. 

She spit in her hand then ran her hand down to Chan’s now throbbing dick and slowly jacked him off, while continuing sucking and slurping up his nipples. This kept going until she finally moved again. She rose up and lined herself up with Chan’s member before sliding down onto it. 

Chan gasped as he slowly slid the Tenga down his dick imagining the fox girl. 

She bottomed out just nicely for Chan. Then rose up and back down gently. 

Chan mimicked with the Tenga. 

The fox girl picked up the pace and strength. However no matter what it seemed she wasn’t strong enough. Chan wanted someone. Heavier, stronger, some more muscular. 

Chan couldn’t understand why this kept happening, as instead of this petite fox girl. I.N appeared dressed up as a fox boy and bounced up and down of his member, with a devilish smirk. 

“You like this. Don’t you Channie Hyung?” I.N said, as he quickly fell down hard on Chan’s cock. “My ass is so tight, just perfect for your huge cock.” Chan pictured I.N in the same harness which looked way better on him than the fox girl. I.N’s dick was bouncing along with him and Chan wished for nothing more than for a taste. 

Chan was reaching his limit. His head felt like it was spinning. It felt so good. “I want you to cum inside me Channie. I want you to make me howl with pleasure.” I.N’s predatory gaze caused Chan to grab his hips and pound hard into the boy, together they moved. 

Chan was at the edge. He was seeing stars and the light feeling in his stomach wanting to explode. One final push with the Tenga pulled him over the edge. Cumming inside while spasming and jerking from the finish. Chan panted, as he laid there wondering why this keeps happening. Why does he keep thinking about I.N in such ways?

Is something wrong with me?

… 

“What do you mean we are being billed?!” I.N heard his mother’s shrill voice be carried through the hallways of the house. 

The rest of her conversation was too difficult to understand from where I.N was in the house, therefore he stood up and went closer towards the front door. 

“Busan? My son wasn’t in Busan. He has been home. I don’t know what you take me for, but I am not being scammed by people like you!” I.N could see the red in the face as he peered around the corner. 

“Please. Ma’am this paperwork is validated and if you do not pay within the time frame you will be fined. Thank you for your patience. Good day.” With that I.N saw the man bow and head off and his mom slammed the door with a curse, which caused I.N to flinch. 

“How are we supposed to pay!…Fucking good for nothing.” She was about to turn around and I.N panicked and tried making a ran for his room. “Yang Jeongin! You ungrateful child come here!” 

I.N closed his door, he was out of breath. Why was he running away from his mother of all people? He didn’t want to have to face her right now. He didn’t realise how much that surgery actually cost, however he is sure that if he hadn’t received it he surely would be worse off.

I could’ve been dead…didn’t she care?

His chest was heaving up and down and he could hear heavily stomps approaching closer and closer with each second, his heart rate was so high he could hear the blood in his ears and feel his heart trying to break out of his rib cage. He almost screamed out when his mother banged on his bedroom door repeatedly. 

“How fucking dare! You brat. After all your father and I do for you. How could you?! Don’t show your face at the family reunion, if you know what’s good for you!” His mother’s harsh words tore through him. 

I.N fell to the ground, while bringing his balled fists to his eyes and he couldn’t stop the salty tears from escaping. He couldn’t stop a whine from erupting from the air and sobs. To which his mom banged once more which caused I.N to jerk in fear. 

“I-i’m sorry…” I.N whispered between his sobs and high pitched whines. 

…

“It has the best music program in the country!” Han exclaimed, as the group sat at their usual sitting area in the cafeteria. The school day was almost over, and a few of the boys had a free period. 

“Hey! I also heard the dance program has the best inductors in the country.” Hyunjin beamed, while trying to compete with Jisung. 

“Oh yeah, I heard it has the best studio equipment in the world.” Jisung argued.

“Hmph, well I heard that once you complete a dancing degree there, you can collab with any artist you want.” Hyunjin argued trying to one up Jisung again. 

“Well, I heard that the college has funds to create new up and inspiring equipment” Jisung laughed. “Try beat that!” 

“Well. I heard that-“ 

“Please stop fighting the both of you.” I.N chimed in. “You’re both too loud and poor Felix can’t focus on his studies.” Everyone looked towards the chick like boy, who was indeed deep in his studies. 

“Hey Lix.” Han said as he waved a hand in front of Felix’ face. Felix didn’t look right today. He had been spacing out all day and looked dreadfully tired, if the rings under his eyes weren’t a dead give away. “What’s up? This isn’t Korean? It’s English.” Han turned his head to get a better look at what Felix was studying, however Felix lunged forwards wrapping his arms around the book. “Okay. Dude. What’s up? You gotta tell us.” Han crossed his arms. 

“Yeah.”

“What ’s wrong Lixie?” The other two piped in. Felix just gave a sideways glance, while resting on his books. Han put a hand on Felix’ shoulder, but then Felix pushed it off, causing Han’s frown to deepen even more. 

Inside Han, panic grew. Does he know? Already? I-I’m…Han’s breathing was becoming more difficult to control with each second.

I.N and Hyunjin gave each other a look, still wondering what happened to make Felix this upset. 

“I- I should go.” Felix voice sounded deeper than usual, sadder as if an extra layer was pleading out. 

“Oh ok. If you really need to. Sorry if we were coming off too strong Felix Hyung.” I.N said. 

A sniffle came from the blonde. “Lix?” Hyunjin tried with physical touch, he placed his hand on Felix’. Felix looked up at them tears filling to the brim, with a red lining his eyes. Felix scanned all of their faces one by one. 

“I’m leaving!” Felix shouted, as he broke down into loud sobs. 

“Okay, Lix. Where are you leaving to?” Hyunjin felt something stuck in his throat as he suspected an answer he hopes isn’t true. 

“Back to Australia.” The trio look between each other, then to Felix. “My mum wants me to study law at some University over there.” Felix face darkened. Han was so relieved, but at the same time felt as if his stomach had been ripped out of his body. Felix…is leaving? What? That’s not fair. Before Han could deliver his opinions the bell rang for last period. Han hugged Felix with the others joining straight after. 

“Lix…can’t you tell your mother no?” Hyunjin asked, Felix hiccupped and shook his head. 

“It can’t true Lix. You’re joking right?” Han laughed with a stain lacing his voice. “You’re just playing a prank right?” Han stared into Felix’ eyes and the pools only expressed sorrow and regret. 

Felix coughed wetly and apologise before making his way towards his next class with Hyunjin. 

I.N tapped Han’s shoulder. “I’m sure Chan and Changbin will change his mother’s mind. We’ll have to wait and see.” 

Han watched as I.N walked out of the cafeteria. Han was like a statue frozen in place. His friend was leaving. Moving to another country his twin, his first ever real friend. Han’s mind felt like a mess, it felt fogger than normal today. 

Han walked down the locker hallway and saw 5 figures in his peripheral, once he looked up, anxiety begun to eat through his veins, until his heart stopped. Izza stood chatting with Changbin, Chan, Lee Know and Seungmin. 

Changbin’s eyes held a scrutinising glare shared with Chan and Seungmin. Lee Know on the other hand seemed to have pure rage and fire that shown bright in his. Lee Know was the first to spot Han. He is looking at me with those eyes. Just like how they used too. They hate me. Izza told them everything. They know. I’m- I’m 

Han couldn’t breath as the last thoughts wouldn’t register from his hyperventilating. Han turned to run, and he heard Lee Know shout his name, yet he knew it was to tell him they were never to be a couple. To tell him he wasn’t allowed to speak to any of them again. He shouldn’t show his face at school if he knew what was good for him. All the same things said in the past. 

Han had been running for ages before crashing into someone he really didn’t need to see right now. 

“Sujin.” Han hissed. 

“Ah. Hanji. I guess you heard the news from your friends already? Oh wait ex-friends, and you know what Lee Know said he’d rather date me than a killer.” 

Han pushed past him feeling about to vomit. His dry reaching and gagging only seemed to delay his sporadic breathing, as he ran towards home. 

He ran into his house. His mother not at home. Han made his way upstairs to his room. Slamming the door shut before falling face first into his pillow, and by the time he needed to raise his head to breathe the pillow was already drenched. His phone chimed. He turned the screen on to see messages from the group chat. Han already knew what they would be saying. 

They are saying bad things, I know it. Just like my other previous friends. Felix would be glad to move away from me now. Lee Know must be relieved before making our relationship public. 3racha must be happy to be 2. Hyunjin would brag about knowing he didn’t like me from the start and Seungmin and I.N would wish they never helped me with vocals in my songs. I know this is the stuff their are saying, because I’m a killer. A murderer. I killed someone and now they know. 

Han left the group chat before reading any messages. He cried harder and muffled his wails into his pillow. No way could he be silent, not when he thought, truely thought he may have found his home with these people. Oh, how wrong was he? 

…

It had been hours before Han descended downstairs to dinner. His mother took one look at him and knew something was wrong. 

“Honey baby what’s wrong? Come here.” She opened her arms, and Han waddled over and placed his head on her shoulder, as she encased him in her love. “I made you favourite pork kimchi stew.” Han said a quiet thank you, before pulling away and sitting at the table to eat his meal. His mother hesitantly sat next to him.

“Honey, I have some news.” Han hummed in acknowledgment, as he put a mouthful of kimchi stew in his mouth. “I know you are having a tough time right now and I don’t think this is going to make it better but I got offered a new job a few cities over, so we are going to move! Taadaa!” 

Han’s eyes widened in surprise and his mouth gapped a wide as he froze leaving a spoon full of stew in the air in front of his mouth. He tried processing what his mother had just told him.

He thought about his friends-former friends and that it might be better off if he just moved. 

“Oh” is all that left Han’s mouth. 

“I know it’s change again sweetie and you made some friends but I need to start a new job and-“

“No! Mom it’s great. When should I start packing?! What type of job?! Is it an office job again?” Han forced his gummy smile. He tried so hard but it tired him out. 

“Yes. It’s for a big finance company. So from now on we will have some big money coming in and I’ll get to send you to a good college the one you always wanted” 

Han did actually hold some truth in his smile. He was happy for his mom. Happy that she can finally feel in control, especially since dad left. Han didn’t want to take that away. “We’ll be leaving next week. Start packing as soon as possible.”

…

Two days later

Its my last day. Only today. Then I’m gone. I can do this.

He tried his best to ignore everyone. Felix looked so sad and weary. 

He smiled at Han, but all Han couldn’t believe him. Han knows that his previous friends all knew the truth by now. Han knew they would try to confront him and he just had to make sure to stay away just until he left. At lunch if he caught a glimpse of one of them he’d turn the other way and sit alone.

Minho came into the math classroom. He had a huge bruise on his left cheek with bandages all over his face and hands. 

Han wondered who he fought with. A little bit of false hope rose in thought as Minho might have been trying to protect Han from Sujin and Issa. But in reality he knew better. His former friends would be like everyone else. Keep a distance and before too long cast him out. Hopefully today it doesn’t get to a stage where their bully him too bad. Like the other schools. His other former friends…

After that day Han walked home late that afternoon around dusk. But felt someone’s presence following him. He didn’t know whether it was one of his former friends or Sujin or Izza. All he knew was that he needed keep distance. 

Han turned the street corner and beside a street lamp was a figure and Han decided to go the long way home. He walked the opposite direction and glanced backwards only to see the figure start to follow. His heart speed up and so did his footsteps. He paced faster, alas one more look back the figure sped up too. Han didn’t want to take a risk, therefore he started running. He could run fast, and a few short cuts made the figure lose sight of him. 

To Han’s relief, he panted with a big sigh. It was cold tonight however his body felt warmed up. The direction he was now headed to was the market town. Not many people were around as all the stores were closed yet, finally the figure following him gone. 

Han didn’t want to go back just yet. He decided to go for a walk and clear his head and say good bye to the town before his departure for a new future.

He was walking to a dark bridge. Not many cars or transport went this way this late. It was nightfall by now. The concrete walls of the tunnel under the bridge echoed with the chill wind, causing Han to tighten he jacket closer to his body. 

Han wondered over to a cardboard box. He peered into the box and something was in there. A small furry body. 

Han gasped as he swatted down to gently nudge the animal. It’s fur was wet and mattered. It’s coat dirty with mud. It’s skinny and boney body completely still. 

Han delicately placed his index and middle finger onto the animals side. 

It was cold. 

Too cold.

Han then proceeded to nudge it more. 

No response.

Before Han knew it tears were leaking down onto the box’ bottom. He didn’t want this. 

Han sniffed and picked up the puppy and covered it within his hoodie. But as he tried warming it up nothing. The puppy was still. No tickle of a breath. No twitch of pain. No shiver from the cold. No life.

Han placed the puppy back down. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you didn’t experience a good life like other puppies do” tears fell harder and harder. 

He leaves his hoodie there making sure to wrap it around the puppy’s corpse. 

Han almost tripped over his feet as he entered the tunnel. The wind blowing loudly in his ear. Han couldn’t stop shaking, and the tears from before were already dry from the howling air current. 

His eyes cast downwards and he thought about going home now. He went to turn heel and head back out the tunnel however the light from the street lamp was blocked. 

Han froze.

Someone was there. 

Right at the entrance of tunnel from where he came. The figure was huge, maybe a really big man who wore a buffer jacket. Han couldn’t pick out any more real defining features since the lighting only produced a silhouette. 

Han took a step backwards, with a shaky inhale which got caught in his throat suddenly once the man started to move. Han turned to start running, the blood in his veins pumped with all their might as the tunnel exit shed some light. He must make it out. 

Han then heard from behind him the man etching closer with each step which only got louder and heavier each second. Han could feel his eyes water but from the cold and wind the tears dry as quickly as produced. 

Han was nearly there. A few metres away however, as if right when his hope was at it’s peak a cloud of despair shrouds that hopefulness. The carpet was ripped out right under Han, as the exit darkens and another dark figure blocks the light. 

Han comes to a halt. His panting becomes too hyperventilated. This is it. I’ll gonna die. Han’s head hurts from a pounding that matches his own pulse. He turns and the man from the entrance has also stopped and started walking instead was running. He was now less than a metre away. 

“W-what do you want f-from me?” Han screamed out thinly. He was out of breath. The man seemed to reached into his pocket and pulled a shiny silver object out. Han’s eyes hurt from the constant pull of shock and his body couldn’t stop shaking. 

“Listen boy. You scream. I shoot. You try run. I shoot. You try in anyway to call for help. I shoot. Understood?” The man pulled up the object which Han now identified as a gun and Han stared down the barrel. 

Someone grabbed him from behind, and Han could only guess was the other figure. “Is that understood?” The man from the entrance’s voice vibrated fear through Han’s body and mind. Han nodded slightly. 

Then it was sudden. Too quick for Han to register. The sound was heard before he felt any pain. The man had slapped him across the face. A stinging sensation tingling his cheek which Han knew would be bright red. “Answer me! Or I’ll break your arm next.” He bellowed. 

“Y-yes. I understand.” Han said quickly and shakily. The man from the exit tugged him to start walking, but Han legs were like jelly ready to give out. He suddenly felt something every cold on the back of his head. He knew straight away what it was. 

Han couldn’t believe this was happening. He only saw this kind of thing in the movies, so why him. With all the shit he has done he thought maybe this is what he deserved. 

…

“I still can’t find him.” Chan said panting as the group made a rendezvous. Han’s mother was also with them. 

“He wasn’t looking well yesterday or this morning. If only talked to him more. If only-“ 

“No Miss Han. It’s our fault, but I promise you we will find him. Seungmin and Hyunjin have gone to make a person’s missing report as we speak and search. He may have just wondered off and needed some air.” Lee Know intervened, as he pulled her into a hug. She started sobbing. Lee Know looked up towards Chan silently pleading for some help. 

“Right. I’ll go search around the Han river. Changbin and Felix can you go to the school. Lee Know I think you should take Miss Han home and we’ll go to the Han river.” Another sobbed erupted from Jisung’s mother. Lee Know nodded and affirmative yes’s were replied then they branched out. 

A melody rang through and Chan picked up his phone. 

“Yes. Innie?” Chan put his hand on his hip while with the other hand holding his phone to his ear. 

“I see. You got it printed out?” 

“Good. Meet me at the Han river.” Chan hung up and looked towards Jisung’s mother. “How much do you know about Curtis Han?” 

She gasped. “My ex-husband? He abandoned Jisung and I. I haven’t heard from him since. What does this have to do with him?” Lee Know could feel the women shaking. 

“Alright. Just I think I have some news that will help Jisung.” Chan gave a small recurring smile. 

“Okay. Let’s get you home.” 

“But I want to look for my son too. He is everything to me. I can’t lose him. I’ll search around my neighbourhood and-“

“We need you there is case he does come back home.” Lee Know softly spoke to her, as he was walking her up to the house. She was freaking out until that point. She understood the words Lee Know spoke and knew someone had to be there just in case. Lee Know walked her to the couch, and helped her sit down. He also quickly made her a tea to at least have her relax a little more. 

“You love him don’t you.” Lee Know perked up at the question. “I see the way he talks about you especially. He has never had good friends until now. It’s so sad to move away.” Jisung’s mother spoke with a sad smile. “Please make sure you bring my boy back home safely.” 

Lee Know didn’t really know what to say in this situation. He too was extremely worried and until now he thought only his mom was shaking however, he had been shaking and and fidgeting non-stop. He cracked his knuckles uneasily and started walking towards the front door. “I’ll bring him back, and to answer your question, yes. Without any doubts in my mind. I love your son, and I’ll do anything to bring him home.” After that he stepped out and started running to Chan’s car. Chan had been on the phone to Hyunjin and Seungmin, as they now have a search party looking.

…

I.N was running. He hoped Han was okay. It was cold out tonight. The first snow will fall soon with how close it is to winter. 

I.N’s feet were hitting the ground pretty hard, as he looked around trying to see if he can spot his friend. After some of the group heard from Izza about Han’s past none of them believed it to be true. Everyone knew Han would never do something like that, and somehow just somehow Han has convinced himself he has. He has carried a guilt that was never meant to be his in the first place. 

I.N’s breath could be seen every time he past a street light, he felt his breath pick up momentum and I.N came to a quick halt. A stabbing pain he is well to familiar with grabbed hold of his heart as he clenched his chest to brace. However, nothing stopped the pain he fell to his knees. The coughing started up and he bent over ejecting splatters of blood on the bitumen. His inhale was more on the gasping side while his exhales were short. Breathing was painful. It hurt him, but he must find Han. I.N coughed up more and more. Then the pain subsided a little and the coughing ceased. It still hurt when he breathed however it was bearable. 

I.N took some deeper breaths and flinched with every movement. He got up, but instead of running he walked. He couldn’t run, even though he should. He should because it would be faster and a more efficient way to find Jisung. I.N start jogging then walking a bit then back to jogging. He still felt pain in his chest with every beat of his heart, and his bones felt like jell-o. 

…

“Shut it!” The man yelled then spat at Jisung. “Your crying makes me what to shoot you.” Jisung sniffled a bit, but tried to be as still and quiet. He was in a car. He was sat in the back on leather white seats. Where are they talking me? Are they going to sell me? Han gasped then quickly smacked his hand up to his mouth. R-rape me? What do I do? If I try escape he’ll shoot me. If I scream or call out he’ll shoot me. 

Han looked up through his brows and inhaled with a stutter. He glanced at the gun in the passenger side men’s hand. It was scary how much power it held, especially in the wrong hands. 

“I reckon’ half a mill, for this one.” The man in the passenger side said. 

“Really that’s all?” 

“Could be more if we don’t fuck him first.” The men both laughed. Han started shaking again and fresh tears rained down his cheeks. His worst thoughts were becoming reality. His leg was bouncing and that caused a thumping noise. “Oi! Did you hear what I said? Shut up! Or I’ll do it for you.” Han flared his nostrils at the man holding the gun. The man clicked his tongue and turned to face the front. “Finally. We’re here.” With that the car came to a stop. Han glanced around and it seemed like a port of some sort.  

The men got out of the vehicle and the one without a gun pulled Han out. They walked towards the jetty where a few boats were situated. It wasn’t as big as one of the major ports in Korea, but Han recognised it nevertheless. 

“Do you know what we are gonna do? We are gonna drive you on that boat to the port of Incheon. Where we are gonna ship you off the another country. Now we are deciding whether or not to enjoy ourselves before that.” The man inched closer and closer and lick the side of Han’s face. Jisung had clenched his teeth and braced for contact. They threw him onto the boats deck, and Han scrambled to sit up. He didn’t want to stand up because it was earlier access for them to grab him. He scooted closer to the far side of the boat and the other two laughed. 

“He is a lot cuter than our last delivery.” The man with the gun chuckled. Han wanted to be sick. He really was being human trafficked. “Stay there, while we call our buyers. If you move. I’ll shoot you. If you yell or scream I’ll shoot you. Never forget that.” Han curled into himself, and looked out onto the water. This really was it for him. Once they left this port he was really gone. He really wanted Lee Know. He missed him, but Lee Know hated him now. Maybe if they knew what was happening they would laugh and say good riddance. Han rested his chin on his knees as he viewed the lights distorted reflections in the water. It was memorising. 

He then started hearing arguing. The two men were cussing at each other and a third party whose voice was too grainy to voice seemed to be trying to keep the peace. Han thought about it. What if he just jumped and hoped to drown. He really did deserve that fate, however he was a coward. He already experience drowning once and he never wants to go through it again. 

Han looked around once again. The Han river really is beautiful. He hopes that his friends will come here for picnics in future. Han hopes they can enjoy the rest of their lives. He hopes they live well. He will miss them dearly. 

Suddenly Han looked up across the water. I swore I just heard someone. It was a faint sound, but I definitely heard something…Han waited to see if he could make out what this person was trying to say. Again, but it’s too far away. I can’t understand. Sounds like one syllable…Han wanted again. 

“HAN!” 

That sounds an awful like my name, and that sounds like…Chan? 

“HAN!” “JISUNG!” 

Lee Know too? They are looking for me? No can’t be. They hate me. I deserve to be trafficked. 

Han picture their lives without him. Chan and Changbin doing 2racha. Minho, Felix and Hyunjin off being amazing dancers. I.N and Seungmin either singing of becoming what ever their hearts desire. And…mom…my mom!

Han didn’t want to leave his mother alone in the world. That was not what he intended for. He wanted to call out. Stay he was here, however the gun…

Han wearily looked towards the door that led below deck. The door was wide open and saw a glimpse of the two men. They kept him in sight so he wouldn’t escape. 

Han slowly moved further along to his left and stood up. He started waving his arms to try and get their attention, however they weren’t looking in his direction. What if they don’t see me…what if it’s too late. They are right there. If only I called out, but then I’ll die, and I put them at risk too. 

Heavy stomping made Han freeze. They were coming up. They caught sight of him and the one without a gun marched over roughly grabbing his arm. “What did we say? Move and we shoot. You’re lucky that we actually need the money otherwise we’d killed ya. Never said we couldn’t hurt you though.” With that the man grabbed tighter onto Han’s arm and used the other to hit Han’s elbow with a tremendous force causing his bone to disfigure through his arm. 

A blood curdling scream echoed off the water, as Han wailed out in pain. The man dropped him on the cold hard surface of the deck. Han dropped hard, and drool pooled from his mouth as his face planted first. He couldn’t move. It was so painful. “God- shut up already. You drama queen.” The man kicked Han which caused another whine. 

The next thing to happen didn’t even register to Han. He couldn’t focus on anything since the pain was too much. Everything was foggy to him. Expect he saw one of the men fall next to him with a grunt. 

He also heard someone else fall to ground the over side of him. He felt hands grab him and lift him up. He saw a boy. A boy that he knew he was in love with. However his vision went black before any words or actions would transpire. 

…

Jisung was about to get into the car. His mother and him were going to be off to a new future soon. 

“Jisung!” Before Han could climb into the car Lee Know called his name. Lee Know ran up to him with something in his hand a piece of paper. “Hannie. I’m so relieved I got you before you left or else I’d have to travel a bit to see you.” Lee Know glanced down at Han’s cast, then back up to his eyes.  “I know you think we all hate you after what you saw that day with Izza, but please listen. None of us believe that fucker.” Lee know puffed out as if he was in a rush to say it. 

“But he’s right. I’m a murderer and you guys do hat-“ Han was cut off but lee Know engulfing him into a hug. 

 “You fucking idiot. You scared us half to death. First ignoring us then deleting the chat, to running away any time we wanted to talk to you. You fucking idiot. I needed you.” 

Han was baffled. 

“Han, I don’t believe you are a murderer. I don’t think you would kill someone no matter how much you despised someone. Its a misunderstanding.” Han felt water stain his cheeks, as he has never heard someone say that before. 

“B-but”

“No buts, here. It’s a copy of a news article from that town Mick Hendricks died. You might want to read it.” Han’s breath hitched at the name. He never thought Lee Know use it so casually. “I’ll miss you. Maybe I can visit and vice versa.” 

Han didn’t understand. Lee Know miss him. Lee Know still liked him. He was sure they would hate him. He wants to believe they still like him, and now he doesn’t want to leave, but he has too. Lee Know gave a sideways glance towards his mother. She got the clue to look away. 

Lee Know grabbed the back of Han’s neck with one hand and his chin with the other and gently tilted it upwards and leaned down to collide their lips together. Han’ eyes were blown open. He couldn’t believe it. Once Lee Know parted Han sobbed. 

“Its okay now Hannie. I promise you. Open it.” Han glanced down to the paper a picture of a boy he used to know and a male that he used to know too. 

“Dad?…” Han sniffed, and his mom overheard and walked to their side of the car. 

The paper read:

On January 11th the body of a boy identified as Mick Hendricks had been found in foggy blue creek. Now, 5 days later a man of the name Curtis Han had come forward. Admitting of pushing the boy into the creek around dusk. He was put into custody, now charged with murder and a life sentence…

Han held his hand to his mouth, and sobbed even harder as he turned around to embrace his mother. His mother also shed many tears. Lee Know smiled bittersweetly at the two. This was something that was haunting them for a while he could tell. How didn’t know about this paper was unknown to Lee Know could have only been because they moved straight away. Lee Know could only speculate. 

Chapter Text

Han can’t swim. That’s why he decided to stay out of the black lake. It was dusk and night was approaching quickly. He called for his friends to get out of the water. 

Issa came up to him, and pushed past his shoulder. Han still didn’t know why he continued to hang around them, yet he was invited. He just hoped he wasn’t some kind of excuse like last time. 

Mick was last to get out and proceeded to say “I need to pee. I’ll be right back.” With that he disappeared behind a treelined to the group’s left. They all waited, some drying off and packing up the towels and snacks and picking up their torches. 

“Some of us are gonna head off now before our folks kill us. See you later guys” Han nodded towards them. Issa and him waited for Mick. 

It had been a while. 

“He is taking a while…” Han’s voice wavered in worry. 

“Let’s just go find him.” Issa complained while he grabbed Han’s bicep and dragged him along. They manoeuvred through the tree’s branches and roots that stretch far over the water’s edge. It was quite muddy, as the weather that morning and all week had been rainy. “Mick? Come on man. Let’s go!” 

The two moved faster, until they heard something further from the water’s edge toward their right, yet they saw no one. 

“Mick!” Issa yelled. 

“Shh…Someone might hear you.” Han whispered. While grabbing Issa’s towel which hung around his shoulders. 

“Who else is here? No one. Geez. You’re such a kid. I don’t know why you still hang around us.” Issa reached his towel from Han’s grasp and Han stood still, as his gaze lowered to the ground, where he saw footprints that weren’t their’s. 

“Issa…Look” Han pointed towards the muddy ground. 

They followed the barefoot prints and they ended up at the water’s edge then they end. Han gasped at the realisation. “Did he fall?” 

“Pfft He can swim. He is fine probs just playing around. Mick! Come out come out wherever you are.” Issa yelled while cupping his hands so the sound was clearer. He turned around and Han notice his body stiffen with his glaze caught to ground. 

“What is it?” Han asked with curved up eyebrows while about to glance at the same thing Issa was, before Issa coughed causing Han’s eyes to return to his. 

“Nothing…I think he is in the lake.“ Both boys peered down into the black water. It wasn’t long before a few bubbles rose the surface. 

 “Quick jump in! You gotta get him.” Han panicked he didn’t know how to swim, but before he could even have time to respond. Something hard hit his back causing him to lose balance and slip on the mud and hitting the water’s surface. 

It was numbing sting erupted all over his body as water engulfed him. Bubbles exploded from every direction making his clothes lift and pull, as a shivers and cramps seized his every bone. Han clawed up even after every push hurt, he barely breached the surface gasping and gulping as much air as if it would be his last. Flailing his arms to try keep afloat only go have his teeth clenched as his muscles burned. 

“Help!” Han called out, while trying to desperately scan the water’s edge for Issa. He was no where to be seen. 

Han felt like his legs suddenly imploded on themselves and with a final cry he went under again. He needed to save Mick, but how could he if he can’t save himself. If only he could swim. 

If only he wasn’t useless. The edge’s of Han’s vision grew darker and darker, then suddenly the worst pain Han has ever felt in his entire life caused his chest to convulse. His lungs where burning and rocks pooled into them. Han had no strength and then another convulsion struck causing Han to cry out only causing his reserved oxygen to be whisked away to the surface, then…

Darkness…

He couldn’t see anything. 

…

Light. Han was light. He thought he’d never see it again, however the next thing he knew he was coughing. Coughing up water into the mud next to the black water. 

It felt like hours had gone by before he could fully control his breathing and he sat up. He thought he’d never get to breathe the sweet clean air again. He glanced around. Night had fallen. He heard different birds and slashes from fish, and he thought he heard someone running. Sloshing steps picking up speed getting further and further away. Then, bright lights cascaded through the trees. Red and blue lights. Another pair of foot prints making it’s way closer then a white light blinded Han, causing him to squint and raise a hand to shield his eyes. However, his whole body ached and shook violently and he was freezing. 

“Hey kid? Are you alright?” A voice was heard and something warm was wrapped around Han’s shoulders. Han peered around in the darkness. Who was he looking for? Was the footsteps from before Mick’s? Or Issa’s? 

“Where’s Mick?” Han’s voice was croaky and airy. 

“Shh. Hey kid. You’ll be alright. Let’s get you home.” 

…

Han still can’t put much together. He remembers him and Issa looking for Mick, but not much after that, expect for being in the water trying to save Mick and failing. Han arrived at school. His father left. His mother was packing up the house as they were moving. It had been 3 days since the accident and he finally was returning to school. 

He walked into the classroom. Issa was sat at his usual desk and next to him was an empty space. Mick’s seat. Han’s frown deepened at the thought while staring at the ground absent minded.

“You!” Han shot his gaze upwards to the voice of no other than Issa. “You killed him!” Everyone’s heads turned towards Han. Han felt his body shake and want to implode. 

“I-I didn’t. I tried to sav-“

“You left him to die there.” Issa screamed while throwing a book at Han. Which then started a riot. Where students joined in throwing anything they could get their hands on at Han. Telling him he should die. Telling him it should have been him who drowned. Telling him it was all his fault. Telling him he was a murderer. 

Han ran away. Balling his eyes. He ran home. Never to return to that school again, and his next few schools caught wind of his supposed crime. He was branded a murderer and a freak.

Until…

He met some very special people. 

Chapter Text

A few weeks later after Han left…

“I can’t believe he’s gone…” Hyunjin sighed out. “You know I’m kinda gonna miss his annoying whiny voice.” Hyunjin sighed again a little more dramatically. As they sat in Chan’s house as a group. Chan had decided they meet and talk about Han then keep dodging the subject altogether.

“Yeah… me too and his chubby cheeks that he’d store food in.” Chan agreed with a slight non-enthusiastic puff of laughter while his gaze fell onto the tilted ground of his parents house.

“But he understood in the end right Lee know?” I.N glanced towards the older who was distracted on his phone. “Lee Know?” Changbin elbowed the brunette, whose facial features were invaded by lines of annoyance. 

“What?!” Lee Know’s eyebrows sunk downwards. Changbin pointed to I.N. I.N shoulders rose in defence a little after Lee Know’s attention was drawn towards him. 

“D-did Han understand the news article I printed? Was he okay before leaving?” I.N chuckled nervously after asking. A wide grinned stretched over the older’s face replacing his annoyed features, this grin was a fond one. I.N visibly sighed, low-key he thought he’d be a tissue in the mouth victim like Hyunjin, but I guess he was the lucky maknae today. 

“I think so…I think he at least understands we are still here for him.” Lee Know smiled at his phone. He matter of factly was just in the middle of texting the squirrel like boy before being so rudely interrupted. “He is actually thinking about reconnecting with you all, but he is still quite nervous to let you guys in.” Lee Know laughed dryly. “Don’t tell him I said that.” Th reactions from everyone were quite positive as they were all relieved Han was fine. 

“I can’t believe he was almost…” Hyunjin got quieter with each syllable. Seungmin wrapped an arm around his shoulders. 

“Shh…it’s okay he didn’t slip though. We saved him just in time.” Seungmin smiled up at his friends. 

“Okay!” Chan clapped his hands. “Let’s plan our holidays.” 

“I’m actually thinking of going to see Han!” Lee Know chipped in. “I’ll be leaving in a few weeks. I can’t wait any longer.” 

“Oh…I really wanna see him too…” Felix mumbled with a pout as he fell back onto the back of the couch making his hair puff up at the back. 

“In time Lix. I’m sure you’ll be reunited in no time.” Changbin smiled at the blonde from across the room.

Felix should really tell him. 

Felix should really tell everyone. He has only told half of them that he is leaving. How was he supposed to break the news to Changbin…he would be devastated, and Chan would lose his Australia brother. Lee Know would miss his baked sweets. Seungmin would miss their small English study sessions. Everyone would miss him and he would miss everyone too. 

Felix balled his fists until he could feel the sting of his nails almost breaking his skin. He resented his mum. He just wanted to do what he wanted and that was to stay with his friends and become a baker here in Korea, however his mother thought it best to be a lawyer and with all this happening with Han, Felix just never had time to announce his departure.

 He was leaving in one month. 

He will have to put in his leave notice for work. His plane ticket has already been booked just before Christmas. He must be happy for his friends though. He must stay their little sunshine right up until he leaves, because that’s how he wants them to remember him by. 

Felix stood up from the couch, and stretched his arms up and popped his back. “Well…I better get to work or my boss will have my head. I’ll catch you guys some time soon.” Felix could feel his right eyebrow twitch as he force a smile. 

“Do you want me to walk you Lixie? I’ll let you borrow my jacket. It’s really cold out.” Changbin had offered. Changbin is always so considerate, but Felix just needs a rest. Pretending to be fine was difficult. Felix just wanted to breathe. 

“Nah. All good. Besides you and Channie Hyung are gonna work on that new demo, and you can’t let Hannie down.” Felix giggled at the thought of Han’s pouty face if he knew that they worked on a song without him. 

“Oh! Seungmin and I are leaving anyway, so we can walk with you!” Hyunjin’s voice piped up as he pushed up from his original position of leaning against Seungmin’s side. “Besides I want an iced americano” 

“Of course you do” Seungmin rolled his eyes then playfully smacked Hyunjin’s butt, as the older got up off the couch.

Just…great…

Felix used all his strength not to roll his eyes, but instead closed him with a small smile. 

“Thank you. See all good. Bye guys. Say bye to Hannie for me, Lee Know Hyung.” Felix waved as he started walking to the front door. No response from Lee Know as the cat like boy was grinning cutely at his phone in his own little world of Han. Everyone knows he has the biggest crush on Han, and when Felix noticed it really squeezed his heart a bit. He is getting over Han, but still to know his other friend has a crush on his ex-crush still stings. Lee Know is better…

Felix shook his head and turned the door’s knob and walked outside.

He must’ve think like that, besides he’s moving away anyway. 

…

“Lixie~ can I please get a discount?” Hyunjin had his hands in a praying position begging, his torso leaning over the front counter to get a discount on his iced americano to go. “Please. I’m your best friend. I’d give you one if I worked here. Pretty please.” Hyunjin battered his eyelashes. Felix raised an unamused eyebrow, about to give in before Seungmin interrupted.

“Jinnie you can’t just beg like that! Where’s your dignity?” Seungmin huffed. Hyunjin crossed his arms and turned to his boyfriend with a pout and a small huff of his own, as he is about to say a matter of factly. 

“Well, I lost my dignity ages ago! If you hadn’t noticed and this is important. Lixie here should always give me a discount with the amount of help I’m providing with dancing recently.” Felix gulped, and clenched his teeth lightly, as Hyunjin was right. 

“Fine. I’ll give you a discount only because I won’t be working here much longer anyway.” Felix’ gaze fell to the floor in time with his heart shrinking at the reminder he is leaving. 

“What!? Why?” Seungmin spoke up. 

That’s right Seungmin was one of the friends that didn’t know. Before Felix could explain himself. Hyunjin whispered in the puppy like boy’s ear. “Oh…okay. Felix just tell me in your own time. If you need any help don’t feel bad to ask. Like if you need money or a place to stay. We got you.” Seungmin tried to smile, but he looked more embarrassed as he looked away while shifting his weight on different feet too often. His cheeks were a dusty pink too. “Besides I know you’d be the first one to try help anyone else, so try to reach out too.” Felix didn’t know what to say or do, Seungmin isn’t usually a person who’d say those things aloud but he caused another tear in his heart knowing he’d be leaving such an amazing friend behind.

He was so happy Seungmin was thinking of him and the rest of his friends too, but at the same time he was guilty because this kind of problem won’t be fixed with money being thrown around. No. It’s Felix’ mother that is the problem and I.N did say before the maybe Chan and Changbin could convince her otherwise, however he doses’t want to hurt his mother’s feelings. How could he disobey her. She is putting all the funding into this top Australian University just so he can be a lawyer. It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t Felix choose what he wanted to do? 

“I’m okay, but if I really do need help. I won’t hesitate to ask Minnie.” Felix tilted his head with a smile that felt too bland and harder to conjure than usual. “One Iced Americano and one Iced latte to go both discounted.” Felix winked at them. This made Hyunjin giggle with glee, and that was a sound Felix could actually smile at, but only for a second. 

Felix was seeping the cafe’s floor, then the familiar little chime of the store’s bell signalling a customer rang in his ears. He quickly placed his broom down and rushed to the register. 

“Hello. How may I hel-“ Felix glanced up and instead of his usual customer fake like smile, his shoulders relaxed and his lips naturally curved upwards at the sight of someone familiar. 

“Hello Felix! How is my favourite cafe employee?” He made Felix giggle, as he scratched behind his head which reminded Felix of Chan a little. 

“I’m go-“ Felix stopped while giving a quick sideways glance, as he didn’t want to lie, but at the same time he didn’t want to trouble or make BamBam uncomfortable. “Yeah. I’m alright.” Felix state half-heartedly. 

“That’s not very convincing.” BamBam rose an eyebrow. Felix’ face flushed as he knew BamBam knew he was lying. “Come on what’s troubling you?” Felix waved his hands in front of him, gesturing that BamBam doesn’t need to worry. 

“No. No. It’s all okay. Just moving is all.” BamBam’s smile faded. 

“Moving?” BamBam made it sound more of a question to elaborate, and for some reason Felix just wanted to rant. At least tell someone what is happening. How he is actually feeling, but to burden someone like this was…well it didn’t seem right. 

“Y-yeah.” Felix whole body slumped at the answer he replied with. 

“So, you’re not gonna work here anymore? Where are you moving to?” BamBam tilted his head trying to keep eye contact. Felix tried. He really did. He wanted to keep his thoughts to himself but BamBam’s aura was so inviting and Felix feels like he can trust him completely. 

“I’m moving back to Australia…my mum is forcing me to attend law at some big university.” Felix mumbled. BamBam was frowning. Oh shit. Felix made him frown. Felix ruined his day, and now he won’t be able to enjoy this cafe any more because all he’ll be able to remember is how Felix upset him.

“How old are you?” BamBam suddenly asked. 

“Huh?” Felix’ eyes widened at the weird question. “17…why?” BamBam’s teeth were displayed with a grin. 

“Well…just wait a year. Then you’re 18 and in Australia that’s the legal adult age then you don’t have to listen to her.” BamBam laughed. “Felix. If you don’t want to do law, then don’t do it. Don’t waste your time. Be straight with your mother. Be honest. She doesn’t control your life. It’s yours not hers.” Felix was stunned. He hadn’t thought of it that in that way. “So what is it that you really want to do?” Felix knows the answer. It’s all he’s ever thought about since meeting all his friends. 

“I want…I want to open my own cafe and bakery.” Felix flared his nostrils when he said it, he loved baking sweets for everyone. They enjoyed it and Felix more so, as he got to see the light gleam in each person eyes who tried his famous brownies or cookies. He wants that and… “I want to continue my dancing hobby with my friends. I want to live here in Korea. I want to go to Jeju island with my friends for a holiday and I want to live with them. Be with them forever.” Felix rambled a little, but those are the things he wants most. 

“Then tell your mom. Tell her that’s what you want.” BamBam beamed at Felix’ sudden mood change. “Oh! I should order too. I would like a brownie with an iced americano.” Felix agrees. He must tell his mum and if she doesn’t like it then he can just come back here after a year of saving up money in Australia then she can’t do anything about it. 

“Thank you again.” Felix said with a little twinkle in his eyes. He really appreciated BamBam. He would love it if BamBam met his friends. “You remind of my friend…His name is BangChan. He’s always brave, funny and tries his best to make people feel better.” 

“Well, I think I should meet this friend of yours one day.” Felix felt as if his freckles lit up at what BamBam said. 

“Really?! I’m sure my friends would really like you. Maybe I can organise a going away party where you can meet them.” Felix giggled. 

“Sounds like a plan. I look forward to it, and Felix…When you open your bakery…I would love to be your first customer.” BamBam eyes became moon crescents that matched his smile perfectly. Felix couldn’t look away, he was in awe. Who was this BamBam? His guardian angel? 

…

Changbin slouched on Chan’s blood red couch. “I’m just saying that we should wait until we get a better grip on his schedule. Besides what are we gonna do? Beat him up until he can’t walk? We can’t kill someone if that’s what you’re thinking. Chan…I’m just trying to take in what I.N said last time, maybe we should talk with Seungmin and Hyunjin?” 

Chan was pacing back and forth in front of his laptop and desk. “No. They have been through enough. We have to get back at him. We just break a few bones and scare the guy off no big deal.” Chan was biting his finger nails, as his thoughts ran on tangent after tangent about what would be the best course of action. 

Changbin sat up properly with his elbows on his knees and his chin rest on his closed fisted hands. “Chan…let’s just keep our minds open before doing anything too rash.” 

“Do you not get it! If we don’t act now someone else might end up being raped. Being traumatised! Changbin what if that was Felix?” Chan’s face was distorted and his movements seem aggressive. Changbin held strong, as his knuckles started to turn white as Changbin tried to control the shimmering pot slightly started to boil. Changbin bit the inside of his cheek and clenched his jaw so tightly it ached. 

“Chan…Please calm down. I understand that, however if we work up ourselves then there is no going back. I can’t lose myself and end up hurting the people I love.” Changbin can only think back at the time in the cafeteria how scared Felix looked and Changbin was the cause. If Changbin were to lose his cool again then maybe someone might really end up getting hurt. 

…

The sound echoed through out the house. 

I.N was stunned. His eyes were trained on the wooden floor, as the stinging sensation continued to throb on his cheek. He wanted to wince and hold his cheek for support, however he couldn’t move. 

“You fucking useless child!” The shrill voice pierced his brain causing his heart to drop. What did he do again? That’s right. Asked if they could start setting up the Christmas tree. He knew his parents were workaholics, but usually they would spend time decorating the Christmas tree together every year. 

“Do you really think we are having Christmas this year after that fucking bill I got. You’re lucky I don’t send you to your aunt’s. As if she’ll have you.” 

I.N still couldn’t move. He could only feel guilt wrap around his throat and squeeze it tight. He couldn’t say or do anything. A pain struck his sunken heart, just like usual a vice like squeeze that took all the air from his lungs. He hated how he felt. He hated being sick. He wished nothing was wrong with him. Then his chest violently convulsed as he coughed uncontrollably. 

“Of course you act sick now” I.N’s mother rolled her eyes. “I bet even your ‘mature’ friend would take you in. His parents are useless snobs who know nothing of financial struggle and he’ll be just the same. A useless fucking snob.” 

“Shut up!” I.N broke out of that guilty hold and before he knew it he could move again, yet the ache and stabbing pain never subsided and he channeled that pain into anger. He was glaring into his mother’s eyes, how dare she bring his friends into this. How dare she not actually care for her own child. “You don’t know a fucking thing about Chan. He is better than you’ll ever be as a person!” I.N watched as his mother’s face darkened. I.N would let his mother slap him, call him names, neglect him, but if she ever disrespects his friends then she crossed the line.

“How fucking dare you raise your voice at your mother, let alone a women.” Another echo. More stinging pain brought to the same cheek. 

“Fuck you…” I.N mumbled while biting the inside of his cheek, as his vision was on the wooden floor once again.

“What!?” 

“Fuck. You.” I.N turned slowly to look up at her again as he spat the words out. She raised her hand to slap I.N again, but this time I.N caught her wrist. “Don’t fucking hit me. I’ve had enough. I’m leaving and never coming back.” His mother fought to get her hand away, she puffed with amusement at first, but I.N’s grip tightened and a tiny flash of fear caused I.N to realise it was enough so, he twisted her wrist back causing her to crumble to the ground. Then he pushed her away from himself. She groaned as she held her wrist. “Don’t fucking talk to me again.” I.N spat.

He didn’t look at his mother after he turned and made his way into his room. He entered his room and slammed the door. 

Once a few seconds went by and he noticed himself panting while clutching his chest, his thoughts finally caught up to him. What had he done? 

A relief washed over him, however a wave of nausea rolled his stomach and his eyebrows burrowed. His chest vibrated and his ribs ached from the sudden spur of a coughing fit. He wanted to vomit, but held it together as best he can. He tried recollecting himself by holding Chan’s necklace. Then,  he started packing a suitcase. His important items, clothing and study books. He didn’t have much to begin with. 

He walked out of his old room and beelined it to the front door. He was lucky neither of his parents confronted him. They wouldn’t care. This was a blessing in disguise for them. It had already snowed a few times in the last week, and the weather didn’t seem too bad as I.N left. 

He tried to call Chan. I.N waited out the front of his now old home. He was going to ask Chan to pick him up. 

Chan didn’t answer. 

Chan always answers the phone. It seemed weird. He instead texted him. Saying the was heading towards his house via York view park. It was the shortest route. 

…

“Hey Yuna. Thanks for coming. Just head to the living room and I’ll be out in a sec.” Chan invited the girl in who seemed to have dyed her hair pink recently. 

“Okay sure. I was kinda busy though. So we should hurry up.” Yuna puffed out her chest and head up head up high, and strutted to the living space. Chan closed the door with a sigh. 

“Here we go…” Chan muttered quietly to himself. “I just need to have a quick shower and I’ll be right down.” Chan then called out, before heading up the stairs.

“Okay.” Yuna sat herself on the couch. “Whatever…” She mumbled. Then a vibrating noise peeked her attention. 

Chan’s phone. 

Was on the coffee table, and as she looked down it had 8 missed calls from I.N. Yuna clicked her tongue. “What does that brat want? Always coming in and messing things up.” Yuna reached out to opened the phone up. 

Chan turned the water on. “Okay Chan. Get a grip. You need to be final. You need to tell her you’re not interested in this relationship anymore.” Chan held his hand out checking the temperature. Perfect. He stepped under it. “I don’t want any relationships at the moment. Yeah. That’s my reason.” Chan thought about it. 

Then thoughts of Halloween night came up into his mind. He thought about I.N and what it meant if Chan was thinking about him while he masterbated. “It’s not like I have feelings for him. I can’t. We are both guys. I’m not gay…I’m sure some guys accidentally think about their homie while doing it…right?” Chan talked to himself as he lathered soap on his body. “I don’t like I.N…in that way.” 

Little did Chan know…

His phone rang. I.N’s name came up on the phone as Yuna had it in between her long fingers debating whether or not to answer. She had been flicking through and deleting all the other messages. 

She decided to answer and make sure this little brat didn’t spoil her night with Chan. 

“Sorry Innie, Chan is too busy to ans-“

“Hello? Is this Bang Chan?” A voice Yuna did not recognise answered instead of that familiar and annoyingly airy one she hates. 

“Um…no…”

“Well…do you know the owner of this phone? This kid just kinda fainted and the ambulance are on it’s way and he seems to-“ Yuna hang up the phone, as she heard Chan’s footsteps coming down the stairs. She put the phone under the couch’s cushion, and straightened her back as Chan rounded the corner into the living room. 

“Who were you talking to?” Chan asked. 

“No one. Just had a phone call. Nothing to worry about.” Yuna waved it off. 

“Where’s my phone? I’m sure I left it here.” Chan asked as he tilted his head. Yuna didn’t look at Chan. She couldn’t stop thinking how annoying it is that Chan is still trying to reach for his phone as if he knows I.N’s calling for him. It ticked her off. She wanted to get rid of the kid. He didn’t deserve Chan’s money, body or pleasure that he provided for only her benefit. “Yuna…” Chan’s voice was lower than usual in a more serious tone, the same one Yuna didn’t like from the talk in the studio that one night. “Where is it? I know you have it.” 

Yuna clicked her tongue, while rolling her eyes. “Fine…Innie needs you and has some guy over his house who I was talking to on the phone. Maybe Innie has a new boyfi-“ Before Yuna could finish her sentence Chan grabbed his keys and was already out the door. Leaving Yuna who tsked and crossed her arms as she fell against the back of the couch. 

…

I.N couldn’t breath. 

His chest ached so much. He wanted to die, the pain was unbearable. He started couching and coughing the hot air exhaled a puff of smoke then he fell on his knees in the park where he coughed up blood which painted the snow below him. He could barely inhale air. His breath was shaky and strangled and it hurt every time he inhaled or exhaled. He shivered, his face was bitten by the freezing weather, as snow started to fall, but it was nothing compared to the continuous throbbing and stabbing aches that filled his chest. 

I.N’s vision blurred, and he couldn’t keep balanced as he swayed. Falling on the blanket of snow. He held up his phone dealing Chan’s number, but again no answer. He already sent message after message. Why wasn’t Chan answering? Didn’t he care? Just like I.N’s parents? Did nobody care? Hot tears had been falling the whole time, and I.N’s lips quivered and I.N was sure they must be turning blue by now, yet he stared at the phone screen in little hope. The blue light reflecting off his eyes, as unsteady air exhaled visibly. At least he was still breathing just barely and for how much longer? He called again. The vibrations couldn’t be felt as his hands had gone numb. Maybe this was fate? Maybe he was bound by heaven and earth to die right here and now, trembling in the snow? Maybe Chan knows?…and has had enough of looking after sick I.N…Maybe…

“Hey hey kid are you okay? I saw you fall and called the ambulance” I.N hard a faint voice, but it sounded drowned out as his ears were ringing and everything felt like it was underwater. I.N sees the light from his phone and it picked up, hope that Chan would save him, but before I.N could say a word his vision darkened and he fell into unconsciousness.

The man from before pried the phone from I.N’s hand, and read the contacts name, as he heard someone’s voice. “Hello? Is this Bang Chan?”

“Well…do you know the owner of this phone? This kid just kinda fainted and the ambulance are on it’s way and he seems to-“ A beeped rang through. “Okay…bitch…BangChan…that sounds familiar…it couldn’t be could it?” The man peered down at the boy who had collapsed. “Could you be Felix’ friend?” 

…

Chan was speeding to get his way to I.N’s house. He was almost there, however the sound of sirens and bright red and blue lights caught his attention. An ambulance was driving down a street which led to York view park. 

“What if…I.N…what if something has happened?” Chan couldn’t think any more as he followed the vehicle.

“No.no.no.no.” Please don’t be I.N. Please don’t be for I.N.

Chan trailed the ambulance that stopped at York view park. The sun has long since set. Chan thought his heart was gonna burst out of his chest while he parked and got out of the car. 

Someone had started to be pulled into the ambulance and Chan couldn’t see the person. He couldn’t sit still his foot bounced and his fingers were entangling together until he brought one hand up to chew on his nail, until he spotted someone. Chan stepped up to him with worry distorting his face. 

“Excuse me what happened?” Chan asked quickly. 

“This teenager just collapsed in front of me.” The man explained by using hand gestures conveying how someone had fallen.

That was when Chan noticed it.

The man had a hold of I.N’s phone.

“Innie…” chan mumbled breathlessly.

“Pardon?” The guy asked leaning forward slightly with a raised eyebrow. 

“That’s I.N’s phone.” Chan pointed to the others hand.

“Yeah this was the kids.” Chan felt his breath hitched. It was I.N. I.N is in the ambulance. I.N was… 

“Oh! Are you BangChan? In his contact he had been trying to contact you. I guess you got his messages finally.” The other sounded almost relieved.

“I haven’t received a single one…” Chan‘s mouth of a gap and started to freeze up from the cold therefore he closed it with a bitter aftertaste. 

Yuna….did she…oh god 

“He is in a critical state. Charge them up.” Chan overheard conversation from within the ambulance. What was happening? Critical state? Was I.N dying? “Again!” A yell that Chan heard with an electric sizzle and a what sounded like a pump. “Again!” Another. Chan was hyperventilating, with a sting from his eyes, as worried tears started to fall, but drying up quickly from the cold. Leaving only the ghost of the tears he was shredding. “He is stabling! Let’s go!” The ambulance then spurred into motion. 

Chan didn’t have time, he needed to get to the hospital with I.N. He snatched I.N’s phone and ran to his car with the other guy shouting but Chan didn’t care. I.N was his priority.

…

“I’m here for Yang Jeongin” Chan stood at the reception desk, but his fingers tapped nervously on the counter. 

“Ah! Yep just a moment.” A young women with her black hair tied back in a neat bun said before starting to tap away at the desktop. “Here we go! Oh! He is in the ICU. He is having surgery as we speak.” 

“When can I see him? Will he be alright? How long will the surgery last?” Chan knew it was unfair to pester an question this poor young lady as she wouldn’t have the answers to any of his questions, but Chan didn’t know what to do. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m not sure. Maybe it’s best you contact family and friends and hope for the best and we’ll contact his family as soon as possible. I’m so sorry again. Please you can make your way over to the ICU department and wait in the waiting lounge” The women smile, but it was strained for sure. Chan knew she was right, as he took a deep breath in. 

“Sorry. Thank you.” Chan bowed and followed the signs towards the ICU waiting lounge. Once he arrived he sat down on one of the uncomfortable plastic blue seats. He dug for his phone, but only to realise he didn’t have his phone. “Fuck-“ he groaned as he leaned forward gripping his hair. 

Why couldn’t I have just answered my phone? I.N could die…because I was stressing over breaking up with Yuna. I don’t even like her. God- Innie…I’m so sorry…fuck- Why? I’m supposed to look out for you. I couldn’t even do that. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

A buzz vibrated in his pocket. Confusing him, but then realising he still had I.N’s phone. He took it from his other pocket and saw a message from the group chat. 

SKZ - the lost and found

Binnie: Guys…I’m locked out of my house and forgot my keys…can I crash at someone’s? 

Chan looked down and by grace’s he was relieved. 

Innie: Everyone, It’s Chan. I.N is in hospital, and I left my phone at home. He is in surgery and I don’t know anything and I’m worried. He is in the ICU. That’s for emergencies only. What do I do?

Chan had never written a message so fast in his life. He stared down at the phone waiting and a few people came online and a little bubbles came up with three dots. Chan hoped they would know what to do.

Jinnie: Minnie and I are on our way. Sit tight. 

Binnie: I’m COMING. He’ll be okay. 

Cat lord: I’ll be there shortly. 

Chan was sighed as he really didn’t know what to do. Adrenaline still continued to pester him. His leg had been bouncing the whole time. His thoughts wouldn’t stop blaming himself for what happened. Chan then called his own phone. 

“Hello?” Yuna answered. 

“You can go home. I’m at the hospital. We’ll do this another time.” Chan hung up. He really didn’t care or have time to deal with any bullshit from her. 

He hadn’t been too long before Hyunjin and Seungmin came in. They each had three water bottles each. Hyunjin handed one to Chan with a slight smile, but the worry was easily show by his eyes. 

“Thanks” Chan said blandly. 

“Changbin went to pick up Felix, and I’m not sure about Lee Know.” Hyunjin spurted out, but as Seungmin went to sit down, Lee Know ran in. Scanning the room until his eyes fell upon his friends. His gaze hardened as he zoned in on them and marched towards them. 

He didn’t say anything. He just nodded. 

“We are just waiting for Changbin and Felix.” Hyunjin said, as he held a water bottle out. Lee Know gently took it in his hand, but his eyes didn’t leave Chan. 

“He’s strong.” Lee Know said directing it at Chan. 

“I know.” Chan answered. Lee Know sat beside Hyunjin and waited in silence. All of them fidgeting and glancing around the room to try distracted their minds. A few minutes had passed before Changbin and Felix came rushing in. Felix gripped the handle of the plastic bag he was holding once he located his friends. 

Felix wasted no time in running over to them and went straight for an embrace. Chan stiffened at the sudden contacted, but melted a second after. He needed it. Felix knew it. 

“Channie…it’s gonna be alright.”  Felix whispered in English. Which caused his heart to skip  beat at the sudden language change. He needed to hear that. 

“I hope so…” Chan whispered back while wrapping his arms around Felix. He was comforting. His smell, his voice, his touch. All of it brought a relaxed notion and allowed the adrenaline drain from his body a little. At least having his friends all together helped, but a little nagging feeling still tugged at him. 

“You should tell Jisung.” Chan directed his words to Lee Know.

“I already did. He said we’ll be here as soon as he can.” Lee Know announced, but Chan guessed it wouldn’t be until late in the night. He did live a few hours away, but that nagging feeling rested a little at the thought of Han walking through those doors. All of I.N’s friends would be here for him. All here for when he wakes up. 

“So, what actually happened?” Felix asked shakily. “Was it another episode?” Chan’s chest tightened once again. He had only started to finally relax a little. 

“I-I’m not sure. I wasn’t really there per se.” 

“What do you mean?” Changbin spoke with his arms crossed, not intentionally trying to seem intimidating, however Chan’s throat went dry and bitter. He just hoped Changbin wasn’t angry with the way Felix was sitting on him. 

“I-I didn’t know he was in trouble until I saw the ambulance take him. They revived him in that ambulance…I couldn’t do anything. This guy had found I.N collapsed at York view park…he called the ambulance he saved I.N…and I didn’t even thank him.” Chan had his head buried in Felix’ shoulder by this point. Felix still hadn’t left Chan’s lap. 

“Why was he at the park this late?” Lee Know questioned. 

“I thought we’d agreed not go out after dark after what happened with Han.” Seungmin added.

“I don’t know why.” Chan groaned in frustration. “All I know is some guy was with him and I had to go to I.N and then I saw the ambulance decided to follow it and the guy had I.N’s phone so I took it and came here.” Chan ranted without a breath. Felix felt his shirt get damp while Chan was ranting. 

“Shh…Channie. Deep breaths for me.” Felix coaxed him, while gently rubbing Chan’s back. Felix could feel the vibrations from Chan’s silent sobs. 

It was around 3 hours later and Felix’ limbs were numb as he still sat on Chan’s lap. He was pretty sure Chan had passed out from exhaustion a while ago, but he stirred awake. Felix grabbed his shoulders to steady himself as Chan went to stretch his tried limbs. 

“Wakey wakey” Felix mumbled. He was exhausted as well, but he didn’t want to sleep without knowing how I.N is going. Chan made a throaty strangled sound, as he pulled Felix back into a proper hug. 

“ ‘M sleepy.” Chan whined, but was almost instantly fully awake as his body jolted and he glanced around. “Oh…it wasn’t dream…” Chan whispered more to himself but Felix heard nevertheless.

“I wish it were too.” Felix smile wearily. “I need to pee.” Chan giggled slightly with a stained but fond smile. 

“Up we go” Changbin was lifting Felix up from Chan’s lap, and Felix’ cheeks dusted pink at how easy that was for Binnie to manhandle him. Felix was off of Chan’s lap and Felix saw Chan stretch again, but as Felix felt the ground his legs wanted to give out. I guess he’d been so numb from sitting in that position for the whole 3 hours. He gripped onto Changbin’s shirt like his life depended on it. 

Changbin’s eyes widened and then realised Felix couldn’t stand properly. “I can take you to the bathroom if you want?” Changbin offered his voice was soft but grainy. Felix liked it either way. 

“Please…” Felix said while still clutching tightly to Changbin. 

“I’m taking Felix to the bathroom.” Changbin said and before they made their way there Changbin turned around causing Felix to almost tumble over, however he then swatted down his back exposed. 

“I-is this really okay?” Felix tried blinking his gaze away from Changbin’s figure. 

“Yep! Now get on Sunshine or you might wet yourself.” Changbin giggled, Felix retaliated by smacking his back lightly but then almost immediately falling onto it and wrapping his hands around Changbin’s neck. Changbin reached around and grabbed Felix’ legs and pulled them up with him. Now Felix was being piggybacked and they marched to the bathroom. 

“See not so bad.” Changbin whipped his head around to gauge Felix’ emotions. Felix just buried his head into the back of Changbin’s neck, and his breath tickled Changbin a little, yet Changbin wouldn’t say a thing. 

“Mmm, not so bad. At least you smell nice.” Felix mumbled shyly. Changbin on the other hand, his heart felt like it stopped. Felix…just said I smell nice. He smelled me. Changbin could feel his insides literally floating. The need to giggle from this giddy feeling was pushed down as far as Changbin could muster, it was failing though, as the giggle passed his lips a bit. 

“Thank you.” Changbin stopped as Felix was starting to slid off at the back, so he jump and pulled up from behind Felix’ knees to make sure he was secure, but Felix made a whiny sound at being moved so sharply. “Sorry. Don’t want you falling off.” 

“Binnie…” Felix dragged out Changbin’s name as he spoke. Changbin hummed affirmatively. Felix was tempted to tell Changbin that he’d miss him, because honestly he would and even though he doesn’t have romantic feelings for Changbin and he knows Changbin does, he doesn’t make it weird and Felix is grateful for that. He is grateful to have such an amazing friend. Felix was lucky to have so many amazing friends and he hopes I.N will make a good recovery. Felix knows he will. So instead of revealing that he is leaving. “I hope I.N will be okay.” Felix sighed, because one: he couldn’t even tell Changbin he was leaving and two: he was really worried about Innie.

“He will. I can feel it. We are all here for him aren’t we? So, he better be okay or I’ll teach him a lesson for making his hyungs worry so damn much” That made Felix smile and hum faintly at Changbin reassuring words. “We’re here.” 

Seungmin had just watched Felix and Changbin’s antics and rolled his eyes. Seungmin then put a hand on Hyunjin thigh. He hoped that Felix wouldn’t leave. After what Hyunjin told him Seungmin really wanted to knock some sense into Felix’ mother. Any sane person can tell Felix doesn’t belong in law, not that Seungmin doesn’t think Felix is good enough no much the opposite. Seungmin knows that Felix is empathetic and really good at interpersonal skills. Seungmin knows Felix’ energy comes from doing something he loves and being with the people he holds dear, but now the problem is all of that was about to be stripped away from him. Seungmin hated that fact.

Seungmin just hopes maybe Chan or Changbin can persuade Felix’ mother to stay. It’s in his better interest and if she was a smart mother or cared then she’ll know it too. 

“Hyung!” Seungmin’s head shot up, and something inside him blossomed as he saw him. Han was quickly walking as fast as he could over. Lee Know had already got up to meet him half-way. “Sorry I took so long.” Han laughed awkwardly. “How is he?” 

Everyone’s faces dropped. Han then started coming up with possible worst case scenarios, however Lee Know was quick to say they didn’t know anything and hopefully they would soon. 

“It’s good to see you Hannie.” Chan tried to smile, faltering a little. Jisung peered his head from behind Lee Know and nodded. 

“Y-yeah…I never got to properly thank you for saving me.” Han bowed. “So, thank you so much.” Chan got up while waving his arms around frantically telling Han.

“It’s Okay, anyone of us wouldn’t have stopped searching.”  Chan didn’t expect Han to start crying though. “Hey. Hey. It’s okay now.” 

“Yeah. I know. I’m just grateful, and I know Innie will be fine. He won’t let this stop him.” Han smiled with his mouth hearted like a heart. 

“Hannie!” Jisung turned around and saw a mop of blonde hair popping up behind Changbin’s shoulder, and before too long Felix’ little face peeped up too.

“Lixie!” Jisung screamed, but then realised they were in a hospital really late at night and should keep the noise to a minimum so he ducked his head below his shoulders like a child would after being scolded. Jisung jogged towards the two, and once Changbin let Felix down, Felix embrace Jisung in a tight hug. 

“I miss you so much.” Felix was warm Jisung thought. 

“I missed you too.” Felix couldn’t help but beam at Han’s words. 

“We all missed you Jisung-ah” Jisung peered next to him, as he heard Changbin’s voice but Changbin wasn’t looking at him instead his gaze was towards the opposite side of the room, but then Han caught a slight glimpse Changbin gave towards him, and it’s funny because it was like he caught Changbin out on it.

Jisung relaxed and slipped from Felix’ warmth, and he turned to Lee Know and walked up beside him. “I missed everyone too, so so very much. I’m getting home schooled at the moment so I got no friends to talk to.” That caused Lee Know to elbow Han in the side. “No friends besides Lee Know at the moment.” Han giggled. 

It’s infectious. Han’s playful aura. It’s like everyone was in better spirits since he got here. Like everything was complete. 

“Umm…excuse me?” Everyone turned around to see a young lady dressed in a white coat with a name tag. It seemed like she was a worker here, maybe a receptionist. “Is anyone here named…” She looked down at the clipboard she was holding “BangChan?” 

“Yes. That’s me, is Jeongin okay?” Chan’s voice stumbled a bit but he pushed through. 

“He just got out of surgery, and you won’t be able to see him just yet. the surgery went well however he can not survive without assistance from supplied oxygen within the next 5 days or more. If he survives those next 5 days he will be fine, however as of right now…he is very unstable.”

Chan was relieved but at the same time still worried. “I see…thank you.” The women nodded and walked off. Chan dropped back into the blue plastic chair. 

“That’s good. He survived the surgery.” Hyunjin spoke up. 

“Yeah, but the next 5 days are gonna be hell for him.” Lee Know said. 

“I was just trying to be more positive. Jeez” Hyunjin crossed his arms and huffed. Seungmin then came up and wrapped his hand around him. 

“We know. Just it’s really hard for everyone, but thank you for trying baby.” Seungmin gently whispered next to his ear and quickly pecked Hyunjin ear lobe causing the older to jolted. 

“Yeah. Yeah.” Hyunjin huffed again, but relaxed more into Seungmin’s touch. 

“You guys should get home.” Chan finally said. “It’s been a rough night for all of us. So go get some sleep.” 

“What about you?” Felix asked with his eyebrows pinched upwards. 

“I’ll stay here. I got some sleep and even if I went home I’d still be worrying. You guys on the other hand need to go. There only needs to be one if he wakes up, so go on.” Chan flicked his wrists in a shooing motion. 

“But I just got here.” Han whined. “Man, you haven’t changed one bit Channie.” Han pouted. 

“Nice try, but seriously. Just crash at someone’s house and come back sometime tomorrow or I’ll text you guys using I.N’s phone again in case something happens.” 

That’s what everyone is dreading, the ‘if something happens’. 

“You can crash at mine. I’m sure Doongie, Soongie and Dori would love to see you again.” Lee Know stared at Han for an answer. Han hummed in thought, only just to tease Lee Know when in reality he knows he would’ve said yes anyway. 

“I guess I’ll have too because of our caring leader Channie here is demanding we go get some rest.” Han stated causing snickers of laughter from everyone. Chan’s lips pressed together and his eyebrows furrowed in annoyance. 

“Oh! Looks like the old man is getting cranky.” Seungmin smirked, as Chan’s mouth agape at his comment. “We’ll go home. Come on Jinnie, we don’t want daddy to be mad at us do we?” 

“Oh no. Please don’t be mad daddy.” Hyunjin wheezed. Chan was just deadpan at this point. He was just being bully by the others. 

Felix was kneeling on the ground next to Chan and the sound of a plastic bag rustling caught Chan’s attention. Felix peered up at Chan with a small smile. “If you stay here then make sure you eat these and drinks these.” Felix handed Chan a few rice balls and two strawberry favoured milk boxes. 

“Thanks Lix. What would I do without you?” Chan smile showing off his dimples, however in that moment Felix’ heart sank. He was gonna leave, and what was Chan going to do without him? What was he gonna do without all his friends?

“Alright see you later.” Felix stood up and took Changbin’s arm and started dragging him out, while saying that he could stay at his apartment.  

“I guess we’ll head out too. BangChan make sure you contact us if you need anything. I mean it.” Lee Know was pretty much staring daggers at the older who scratched behind his head nervously while nodding. “Come on Hannie.” Han followed Lee Know but couldn’t resist looking back to Chan who was waving. 

…

Chan saw the sunlight come in through the windows of the ICU’s waiting room, and it started to become hectic. Many people crying of relief or loss and people were walking or barely walking in with injuries that Chan had to look away from. Chan felt so drained, but he couldn’t sleep just yet. I.N’s phone started buzzing and Chan picked up. 

“Buttons? Where are you?” Yuna’s voice rang through the phone, and he kinda hurt Chan’s ears. 

“I told at the hospital.” Chan sighed. 

“I know. Where? I brought you food.” Oh. Well this was new Chan thought. 

“The ICU department waiting rooms.” She hang up before Chan could say anything else, and not 3 minutes later she was walking in with a lunchbox. Once she saw him she waved, and ran over. 

“Buttons! How is I.N? Is he okay?” She asked and seemed genuine enough to Chan. 

“He is unstable but is being monitored for the next 5 days when it’s really critical. We can’t go see him just yet.” Chan’s gaze ended up looking at the white tiled ground. He’ll never forget the smell of the hospital it’s clean and sanitised smell really did linger. 

“I see. I’m sorry to hear. I thought you might be hungry so I made you some food, and some for I.N too because the food here is terrible.” Chan was surprised. 

“T-that’s really nice of you Yuna. Thank you.” 

“No. No. It’s really nothing.” Her cheeks grew pink from what Chan said, and Chan felt a little better now that he wasn’t alone. 

“Hey!” Chan looked up towards a new voice, and recognition flashed across his eyes as he saw the same guy from the park who saved I.N.  

“Oh! It’s you.” Chan blinked up surprised to find him here, and also with a balloon saying ‘get well soon’ 

“Yeah…I didn’t expect you to be here still.” The guy seemed shocked. 

“Well, of course I’d be here.” Chan scoffed in offence. 

“Right…” The guy said while carrying his sight away from the two sitting in from to him. “Well…I’m BamBam” BamBam said returning his gaze to Chan. 

“I’m Chan. And this is Yuna.” BamBam looked Yuna up and down puffed a laugh and returned to Chan.

“Nice to meet you Chan.” BamBam totally ignored Yuna, and she scoffed while crossing her arms while quietly saying ‘I’m here too’. 

“excuse me BangChan?” BamBam moved to reveal the same young receptionist from last night holding her clipboard again tightly. 

“Yes?”  

“We contacted Jeongin’s parents and…they refuse to pay for the ambulance and medical assists. We will continue to do everything in our power to save him, however it might be an issue with the cost side of things.” Chan’s mouth tasted bitter at the fact he knew this was coming. Knew I.N’s parents wouldn’t pay. Knew they didn’t care. 

“It won’t be. I’ll pay.” Chan says. 

“What?!” Yuna basically shriek next to him and latching onto his arm. “You don’t have that kind of money, do you?” 

“I’m sure the others would pitch in. We just want Innie to be okay.” Chan put a hand on Yuna’s arm and pried it off him.

“I’ll contribute as well.” BamBam said. Chan raised an eyebrow. 

“Why? You don’t even know us?” Chan said agape. 

“Let’s just say I know Felix, and he is very fond of his friends.” BamBam smiled. Chan’s eyes widened with recognition from the mention of Felix’ name.

“How?” 

“Cafe. Long story.” BamBam giggled. 

…

“How was it? Not as bad as you thought huh?” Lee Know tightened his grip on Han’s hand, as the two walked down the street. They had been walking for a couple minutes just after leaving the hospital.

“Hmm. Yeah…but I just wished it was under better circumstances…” Jisung tilted his head downwards as he really wanted to reconnect with everybody in a nicer setting. He really hoped I.N would be alright. Jisung knew everyone was angsty and he just hoped that his little input at least brought everyone’s mood up just a little. 

Han glanced around the dim lit street Lee Know directed them down, as it was the way to his house, but Jisung couldn’t help but feel anxious being here at night. He was lucky for his mom to pay for a bus and then an Uber to the hospital she also tracked his phone in case of emergencies and would call every hour. Jisung gulped and could feel his hands shaking but not from the cold. 

“You okay?” Han heard Lee Know whisper. Jisung nodded, but he still felt unsafe walking at night after what had happened he became a real homebody. He hardly ever went outside. He felt a tighter squeeze around his hand. He peered down to their conjoint hands then up at Lee Know who was smiling yet looking forward. “I’ll protect you.” Lee Know finally sent a glance toward Han. 

Han really did believe him. Han knew Lee Know would do everything in his power to make sure he was safe, however the gnawing feeling still tugged at his stomach and a small knot was still stuck in his throat every glance he look into the darkness of the street just waiting for a large figure to step out. To corner him. To trap him. Hurt him. 

Han swallowed, but the knot was still caught in his throat. He tried clearing it with a closed cough, but even after that the knot never left. 

“Almost there.” Lee Know reassured him. Han was grateful Lee Know did, he always knew what to say. They walked around a corner to a familiar street, Han saw Lee Know’s house in the distance. “There it is.” Lee Know pointed. He didn’t have to point Han already knew which one his house was, but was thankful nevertheless. Lee Know provided a lot of comfort. “My grandmother is home, but she’ll be asleep at this time. She will probably go to garden club early in the morning too.” Lee Know spoke so softly Han almost wasn’t able to understand, as the paranoid version of himself snapped his neck towards a cat that jumped over a broken down wooden fence.  

“O-okay.” Han didn’t actually know why Lee Know was giving him this information, maybe a distraction of sorts. Lee Know let go of his hand, and Han wanted to pull it back to him and never let go, but before Jisung tried to reach out Lee Know’s hand curved around his waist as they walked towards the door. 

Lee Know didn’t say a word as he pulled a key out. Jisung couldn’t stop feeling the tingling sensations of where Lee Know’s hand was touching him. He has felt the same sensation happen from heaps of times before, I mean they have kissed more than once, yet right now a heat stirred under Lee Know’s hand, a heat that would never have enough of this boy, a heat that spread all the way to Han’s face and ears.

“Shall we go in?” Lee Know grinned fondly. Jisung nodded and stepped in, but the sparks never left his side. Lee Know’s hand stayed firm. Jisung was then swirled around back to facing the door. Lee Know locked it. “All safe now.” Lee Know giggled with a slight head tilt. “You can sleep on my bed.” Before Han realised it, he was muttering.

“W-what I-I can’t j-just take your b-bed.” Lee Know glared at him. It was a little frightening, but nothing harmful. Han knew Lee Know would protest and protest until Han was on his bed. 

“Come on.” Lee Know pulled Jisung through the entry, through the living and towards upstairs. A small meow caught Han’s attention as they entered Lee Know’s room, but the house was too dark for Han to tell which cat it was. “Doongie, I’m home~” Han missed Lee Know’s soft voice when talking with the cats, it is kinda similar in some ways how he talks to him, just like before walking home always trying to reassure him. “Doongie, Hannie is staying with us tonight. Now, where are your brothers?” Lee Know removed his hand from Jisung’s waist and Jisung almost whined for it back. Almost. 

Lee Know’s hands were at his hips, as he playfully scolded the cat. Another soft meow came from the cat as if answering back ‘I don’t know’ Lee Know clicked his tongue. “Probably in Nan’s room. Sounds about right.” The cat jumped down from Lee Know’s bed and rubbed up on his legs purring and then proceeding to dash down the stairs. “If he thinks he’s getting food he is wrong. I already fed them before I left and there is no way they are eating at this time. They might get a stomach ache.” Lee Know sighed, as he talked to himself rather than to anyone. 

Han glanced at his bed. It was quite big. Maybe a double. Two people could fit on it comfortably. So, Han wondered why only one of them got the bed, and the other he was guessing got the floor. “Looks comfy.” Han stated, almost making Lee Know jerk in realising he wasn’t alone. 

“Yeah. Make yourself at home. I’ll just set up on the floor.” Lee Know went to grab one of the pillows and a light blanket. 

“You’ll freezing with only one blanket, and you’ll hurt your back if you sleep on the floor.” Han pouted. Lee Know looked up at him from where he was setting up the floor. Lee Know raised an eyebrow as if asking for any better ideas. Jisung couldn’t help but squirm under Lee Know’s gaze. Han couldn’t look at Lee Know directly or he would surely combust from the sparks that kept igniting every time Lee Know speaks, touches or takes notice of him, yet Han was only human and couldn’t resist staring back down into Lee Know’s big round eyes. “W-why don’t we both sleep on the bed.” 

Han couldn’t believe the words that came out of his mouth. Suggesting they sleep in the same bed. I mean Han and Lee Know were going to announce themselves as a couple before…before the incident, but after that they haven’t really spoken much about them…together…and maybe it was hopeful thinking on Han’s part that Lee Know would still want to be something. Maybe Lee Know just wanted to stay friends which was more then enough for Han, however a invisible force keeps dragging him down into Lee Know’s eyes and his eyes flicker to Lee Know’s lips remembering how they felt. Han felt as if his mind was going wild just by staring at his friend in ways friends don’t. 

“Okay.” Han almost missed Lee Know’s answer, but he watched stunned as Lee Know moved his pillow and blanket back onto the bed. Lee Know then dove into the mattress making the springs squeak. “Are you coming? Or did you change your mind?” Han had never moved so fast in his life. 

Han also doved right next to Lee Know, not as gracefully either, but he was on the bed nevertheless. He started helping Lee Know manoeuvre the blanket and large quilt over them equally. Lee Know turned leaning on his forearm to fluff up his pillow too and Han couldn’t help but take a peek at the boy’s side profile even in the dark, the moonlight provided by the window was enough to see how gorgeous he was. How sharp his jawline was, how perfectly shaped his nose was. How his hair dangled flawlessly hiding those deep and warm eyes. Han hadn’t noticed Lee Know stopped fluffing his pillow and was still. Then suddenly Lee Know turned his head towards the younger. 

“Is something wrong?” Lee Know asked with concern layering in his voice.  

“No!” Han almost screamed as he decided to roll on his side facing away from the temptation also know as Lee Know. 

“Are you sure? You were staring at me. Did you want something?” The last question Han was sure held some amusement in the way it was said, but decided that if he were to indulge in anymore he might ruin the amazing friendship they have now. “Han?” Worry replaced the amusement. “Did I do something to make you uncomfortable?” 

Han whipped around so fast to see Lee Know’s eyes casted downwards in shame. “What?! No. Of course not. Trust me.” Lee Know met his eyes. 

“I do.” Han was stunned at the fast reply. Han blinked like an owl. “Han…” Lee Know gave a sideways glance and Han hated that. He wanted Lee Know to look at him, call him selfish but he wanted to feel the amazingly burning sensation he felt while under Lee Know’s gaze. 

“Yes?” Han whispered back. He didn’t realise they started whispering. Lee Know’s eyes fluttered down to Han’s lips. 

“C-can I kiss you?” Lee Know’s eyes returned to Jisung’s with a glimmer of hope and vulnerability that Han had seen only a few times. It was this vulnerable and soft side of Lee Know that really got him falling for the boy. He still loved how Lee Know teased. Loved how Lee Know cared about everyone in his own special way. Loved Lee Know was being loud sometimes and then quiet as mouse in others. He loved how Lee Know looked at him with eyes that never judged him. He wondered if Lee Know loved Han in a similar way. Han’s heart sunk. Not in a bad way, but in a surprised kind of way. He wanted to cry with relief, because didn't this mean Lee Know really did want to keep that notion of being together a lit. Han was already subconsciously leaning towards Lee Know. Han could feel a tingle on his lips at the anticipation, as his eyes darted down to Lee Know’s lips that were also coming closer, just before impact Han gently closed his eyes. 

A butterfly landing on a flower to pollenate, that what it was like. It was better than before. Lee Know’s lips were soft like flower petals, with morning dew on them maybe due to Lee Know licking them before contact was made but despite that Lee Know tasted like sweet nectar. Han couldn’t get enough, maybe a butterfly wouldn’t be as greedy as Han was, but he couldn’t stop wanting more. He slipped his tongue out in hopes Lee Know would open for him. 

Which Lee Know did. 

Lee Know slightly opened his mouth and once in Han wanted everything. He wanted to explore every wet and slippery part of Lee Know’s beautiful mouth. In mere seconds tongues entangled together and Han never wanted to stop. He never wanted to be apart from something that felt so surreal. He wanted to feel everything Lee Know could offer him, and that’s when Han received goosebumps from Lee Know’s hand travelling up his arm and around his neck to the back on his head slightly gripping his hair. It was animalistic almost the way Lee Know was acting and Han couldn’t get enough. 

The next thing was the sound Lee Know made. It was deep from within his throat. A moan that caused Jisung to shutter. He wanted more. He wanted to hear everything Lee Know could produce. Maybe it was the producer in him, but he loved every whimper, every moan every breath that escaped from Lee Know. 

But then Lee Know broke the connection. Panting, while trying to catch his breath. “Fuck…” Another thing Han’s ears tickled at, Lee Know’s velvety voice sounding gruffer. Han didn’t want to stop, he wanted his mouth connected to Lee Know, he wanted to hear Lee Know even more, therefore he gently, yet quickly plunged into Lee Know’s neck. Putting his body on top of Lee Know’s. Placing soft kisses as Lee Know hummed in absolute bliss. It wasn’t enough, Han needed more and he was so hot. He could feel the sweat on his back drip, and his dick twitch. 

Han kept kissing Lee Know’s neck until it wasn’t enough and he sucked, causing Lee Know to yelp in surprise and his hand grew tighter in Han’s hair. Han sucked using his tongue to taste and lick at Lee Know's hot skin, and every time he moved down Lee Know’s neck the sound of his lips popping off the skin brought him some kind of satisfaction. “Han…” Lee Know looked into Jisung’s eyes in a hazy state. “C-can I touch you?” Han didn’t know why but Lee Know’s shyness made his head spin and dick twitch. 

“God- please” Without any warning Lee Know’s warm hand reached Han’s groin. Han sighed as the contact was a relief. Lee Know had starting slowly palming at his erection. Han was panting and his thoughts weren’t really coherent, as now his arms were shaking trying to hold himself up. “Jagi-“ 

Lee Know had stopped from the name, which caused Han to whine out, but try to a look at Lee Know’s face, which was a mistake as Lee Know’s face was flushed but held a mischievous grin. “Call me that again.” Lee Know demanded. “Beg me.” Han gulped, but liked it, as it turned him even more on if that was possible. 

“Jagi- p-please, touch me. It feels so good. I need it. Please!” Han was desperate as he started grinding down into Lee Know’s hand instead. Lee Know pulled it away. “Wha- please. Please. I did as you said.” Han wanted cry at being deprived of his reward. 

“You did, but then you started without me.” Lee Know’s devilish smirk made Han pout in frustration. He huffed and was about to get up and he got into a sitting position before Lee Know grabbed Jisung’s small waist and pushed upwards, causing both to moan once both their hard dicks rubbed together. 

“Fuck. Fuck. Need more of that.” Jisung muttered quickly, while leaning forwards with his hands on Lee Know’s chest.

“Yeah? Then be good for me.” Lee Know rubbed his sides, as Jisung nodded. “I want your shirt off.” Lee Know stated as he subtly started raising the fabric from Jisung’s waist. Han didn’t have a problem in helping and sometimes with all the movement their dicks would slightly graze each others causing both to either moan or let out a curse. Lee Know threw Han’s shirt on the ground. Then reached up and felt along his torso. So smooth and damp, and Lee Know thought it was perfect. 

“I love how small your waist is. Always have.” Han blushed and brought his hands up to his face to hide his embarrassment, but then Lee Know jerked his hips upwards making Jisung lose balance and shriek a little while falling back onto Lee Know’s chest. They both giggled, and Jisung met Lee Know’s eyes again and that burning feeling upgraded ten fold. 

“What now?” Han asked. Lee Know raised an eyebrow and grinned. 

“Whatever you want to do. But Chan did say we should sleep.” Lee Know had the amused glint in his eyes, as Jisung’s whole face distorted in horror.

“No!” Silence was between them. “I mean…I want to keep doing this stuff with you. It feels nice with you.” Lee Know looked dead into Jisung’s eyes to make sure there was no deceit, and finally when he realised there was none, he grabbed Jisung and man handled him by throwing him on his back and now Lee Know was above him. 

“Well, I’d like to continue this as well.”

Lee Know’s eyes seemed predatory like a wild cat ready to pounce on it’s prey. Jisung, who felt like a deer frozen and stunned by the display of strength Lee Know possessed. Jisung wanted so much at this moment, he wanted to be burnt alive by Lee Know’s touch. 

Lee Know pounced down into a kiss, and Han tilted his head slightly opening his mouth to make way for Lee Know’s tongue that wanted access so badly, they deepened the kiss. Han’s body was building a fire within, he wanted to explode. Lee Know felt amazing. 

Lee Know leaned back and Jisung wanted to followed but was pushed down by one hand on his chest. “Stay.” 

Jisung huffed. “I’m not a cat.” Lee Know rolled his eyes and took his shirt off, and Han was memorised taking in every curve and every movement. Lee Know was hot. Han rubbed his hand along Lee Know’s stomach, a thin layer of sweat covered his body even though outside it was freezing but the moment they were sharing right now was heated, passionate and raw. 

“Pay back” Lee Know quickly stated and before Han could ask about what, a strangled moan vibrated through his throat as Lee know slurped, sucked and nibbled at Han’s neck. Han couldn’t help tilt his head to give more access the feeling was euphoric. Han wanted it to continue this forever. Han let his hands travel and feel around until he palmed up into Lee Know’s dick making the older cry out.

“Hannie!” The older yelped panting with his lips inches away from doing it’s job of sucking and devouring Han’s neck. 

“Yes?” Han smirked. There was no response as Lee Know continued panting slightly waiting for something. Han moved his hand slightly over his crotch making Lee Know’s breath quiver. “Feel good?” Han felt Lee Know nod. He removed his hand and grabbed Lee Know’s shoulders pushing them up into a sitting position. Then both of Han’s hands made contact with Lee Know’s waist band of his sweat pants. 

“W-wait?” Lee Know grabbed Jisung’s wrist. Han stopped what he was doing. Did he fuck up? Didn’t Lee Know want this too? Did Lee Know regret everything? “I’ve never…” Lee Know’s voice was so quiet, so unsure. 

“Either have I. Are you scared too?” Han’s doubts flew away once he figured out what Lee Know meant. 

“Yeah, maybe we shouldn’t go all the way…I don’t have any lube or a condom.” Lee Know’s breath was shaky and for some reason it made Han angry at himself. He should remember that Lee Know is going through emotions that could be similar to him, Lee Know is experiencing this for the first time too. 

“Sure. I agree, but at least let me make you feel good.” Han really wanted this. He wanted Lee Know to want this. He wants to make Lee Know feel so good. He wants to hear the sounds Lee know will make. Sounds that are only for him to hear. 

“Okay.” Lee Know said quietly, and he brought his hands up to Han’s and helped pulled his sweat pants and briefs down, revealing all of him to Han. Jisung couldn’t help but stare. He held more girth and was longer than Jisung for sure, and Jisung never thought he’d find a penis this pretty. “What’s wrong?” Jisung should have probably said something as Lee Know must be feeling very exposed and very self-conscious. 

Jisung breathed out “Just beautiful.” As Jisung said that Lee Know cock twitched slightly. “and cute” Jisung smirked. 

“Yah! It’s embarrassing when I’m the only one with my dick out. Come on. Your turn.” Lee Know went straight for Han’s waist bands, pulling them down before Jisung could help. Han’s aching dick bounced as it was released from the restricting fabric. 

Jisung wanted to hide. Lee Know’s was bigger and better but also smoother and looked prettier than Jisung’s and Jisung felt like he wasn’t good enough. He placed his hands down to cover, but Lee Know grabbed them pulled them over his head knocking both of them back down onto the bed. Lee Know towering over Jisung. “Why did you do that?” Lee Know frowned. 

“B-because yours is better.” Jisung averted from Lee Know’s gaze, but then he heard a tsk. 

“Dummy. You are perfect.” Jisung wanted to believe it. He really did, because it was coming from Lee Know, but he doubted it so much. He wasn’t good enough. “Stop it.” Jisung raised his eyebrows high in confusion. 

“Stop what?” Jisung then moved them back down into a frown. 

“You’re overthinking. Please let us enjoy ourselves.” Lee Know connected their lips before Jisung could protest any further. Lee Know was right. He loved the feelings, and he didn’t want to get in the way of making Lee Know feel good, so he deepened the kiss. Lee Know disconnected and sucked his breath in, and Jisung understood as he felt Lee Know’s dick grind against his thigh. “Shit- Jisung. That felt so good. What if?” Before Lee Know could explain Han moaned loudly and unceremoniously, as Lee Know slotted both his and Jisung’s dick into his palm, using his fingers to keep them together. “Fuck!” Lee Know yelled. 

Lee Know them started to move slowly. Lee Know tried using some of the pre-cum to his advantage however, it wasn’t enough because their was a slight stinging burn, but Jisung wanted to battle through it because holy shit it felt good. “Lee know…fuck…fuckfuckfuck. More” Jisung begged he could feel the corner of his eyes prick from either the burning roughness for their dicks rubbing together or from the need to cum quickly increasing. Lee Know sped up. He didn’t waste anytime, and he fucked into his own hand that held Jisung’s dick. Both were muttering curses and Lee Know didn’t falter his pace, but instead picked it up again. “I’m so close. Lee Know. I’m..I’m..” Before Jisung could finish his sentence, a bubbling feeling stirred in the bottom of his stomach and he released himself his mind seeing stars as his muscles spasmed from his orgasm. Lee Know was still pumping into his hand and Jisung could feel the overstimulation ripping through him, he could finally feel tears leak out onto his cheeks at the pain confide with pleasure, but he didn’t want to interrupt Lee Know. He wanted Lee Know to feel good too. “Come on kitten. Cum for me.” That was all Jisung had to say before Lee Know whined screaming out his name squirming as white shots of cum flung onto Jisung stomach. 

Lee Know collapsed onto Jisung’s chest panting as he started coming down from his high. Their skin was hot and sweaty and Han could feel it sticking together as they lay connected. “That…felt…amazing…” Lee Know announced. 

“It really did, but we should have a shower then cuddle.” Jisung really hoped Lee Know would cuddle with him after this. Lee Know tried to peel himself off Jisung and rolled on his back.

“Sounds great.” Lee Know panted. 

…

Lee Know had just put a different pair of sweat pants on and a long sleeved shirt. He waited for Jisung to finish in the shower before leaving the bathroom. Han had the hot water running over his body and he hummed at the blissful feeling. His dick still stung from overstimulation but he’s sure it will go away. It was worth it, but they should talk about their status now. Han turned the shower off and Lee Know handed him a white soft fluffy towel. Han dried himself before putting on pyjamas and Lee Know ogled at him the whole time. 

“Hannie. Let’s cuddle. Come on.” Lee Know picked the squirrel boy up bridal style and Han’s back hit the soft bedding then Lee Know snuggled in next to him. 

“Lee Know…” Han really wanted to understand what they were now, after that just happened. Lee Know hummed while burying himself into Han’s neck taking a big sniff. “W-what are we?” Lee Know sat up immediately. 

“What do you mean?” Lee Know tilted his head peering down at Han with concern. 

“Well…I mean like we aren’t friends. Friends don’t do what we just did” Han used his hands to try explain all this with a simple gesture to the bed.

“Yeah, we aren’t friends…” Han’s heart dropped. Was Lee Know using him? No Lee Know isn’t like that. Then why aren’t they friends. Lee Know could see the inner turmoil Han going going through and continued. “I’m sure everyone will be surprised when we tell them we are boyfriends.” Lee Know saw the gears shift in Jisung’s head and then noticed his eyes gleam with a glossy overcoat. 

“You really mean that?” Lee Know nodded. “No take backs?” Lee Know nodded again, before going back into burying his head into Han’s neck and swinging his arm around the younger. 

“Also, we can visit I.N once Chan texts the chat, but maybe not all of us should go in together, because he is still in critical risk. Maybe just wait a few days. When do you have to leave to go home?” Lee Know gently stroked Han’s back. 

“Mom said to text her if I need to stay longer, and honestly…I’d love too. I have a really good reason to stay longer.” Han smiled, causing his eyes to close of how happy he truly is with Lee Know. 

…

Two days later…

Yuna was quite proud in her acting abilities. She made Chan think she cared for I.N. With the whole bringing food into the hospital. It was golden, however she wanted to make sure I.N didn’t interfere anymore. Many accidents happen in hospitals and many people don’t make it. Yuna walked through the ICU’s doors. She waltzed over to the counter. 

“Hello there. I’d like to visit Yang Jeongin” Yuna asked.

“Are you family?” 

“No.”

“Are you his friend?”

“God- no” 

“Sorry. You cannot.”

“No. I mean I am his friend.” Yuna smiled innocently, while tilting her head. The receptionist was the same one from two days ago, and she didn’t look convinced. 

“Well. I. Don’t. Believe. You.” The receptionist huffed with a fake smile that faded almost immediately after she continued typing on her desktop. Yuna clicked her tongue. If I can’t have Chan then this little diseased kid definitely can’t. I won’t let him win.

Yuna stepped back and looked down a hallway where the patients are held. See knew that she would get caught therefore she walked outside back to her car. She grabbed sunglasses and a beanie and a scarf, also a different coloured jacket.

She walked back into the ICU and walked past reception. She went to the nearest room. She didn’t have time to wonder in each room, therefore thinking short sightly she glanced at an old man who laid their peacefully. She glanced up to his I.V drip. A small smirk appearing on her face. 

The perfect distraction. 

Yuna walked out and back towards reception but instead sat down on one of the plastic blue chairs and waited. 

“Oh- OH my god!” The receptionist screamed and ran down the hallway into the room Yuna knew where she created the perfect distraction. Some nurses rush by and Yuna makes her way to reception she’s uses the computer to find I.N’s room.

“Blue Room 14, floor 2” she whispered under her breath.

Yuna quickly made her way towards the room, and she entered it while looking out in the hallway double checking no one noticed her. 

Once she peered inside the room she froze. A guy was already in the room, sitting on a chair beside I.N’s bed looking right at Yuna. 

BamBam knew this women from the other day. BamBam narrowed his eyes to Yuna. 

“Whatcha doing here?” BamBam asked.

“Umm…to check on Innie…duh.” Yuna cursed BamBam in her mind. How could he be here at the most inconvenient time. 

“Right? So, where is Chan?” BamBam smirked as if he knew something Yuna didn’t.

“Does he need to be with me at all times?” Yuna snapped. 

“On the phone…that was you wasn’t it?” BamBam held her at an intense stare. 

“Maybe…” 

“Selfish…” BamBam muttered under his breath. 

“What!? Excuse me? I’m here to see my boyfriend’s best friend. Why are you being so rude to me?” 

“What’s with all the yelling?” Chan walked in. “Yuna? When did you get here?” Chan asked as he carried two drinks in his hands. 

“She was just leaving I think. Saying she just wanted to check on her boyfriend’s best friend.” BamBam scoffed slightly after saying it. 

“Oh. Thanks for checking up Yuna. He’s doing okay for now. Still pretty critical as you can tell…” Chan gestured to all the machinery keeping I.N stable. 

“I best be going then” Yuna said behind clenched teeth. 

…

The next day…

Chan sat next to I.N. Holding his hand. “Hey Innie. We miss you. Hang in there alright” Chan stared at the oxygen mask that rested on I.N’s face, each time I.N breathed it clouded the inside of the mask and it felt like another breath of hope that I.N will carry through alright. 

“You look so peaceful…it doesn’t suit at all.” Chan laughed weakly. He stared down at the younger. He wished he’d just been able to get to him sooner. If only Chan could have had his phone on him instead of being in the studio and waiting for Yuna. Chan was so stupid. “I’m so sorry Innie.” Chan was slumped over, his hand left heavy as he gently had I.N’s in his. It felt like it was worth more than anything. 

Chan shot up at the sound. He squeezed I.N’s hand a little. “Innie? Are you awake?” A small groan had been heard, and I.N winced his eyes shut even more creating crinkles. “Innie. It’s be Chan. I’m here.” Chan was searching over I.N’s face for any more hints of alertness. I.N’s eyes seemed to slit open a little, but were shut almost immediately mostly from the harshness of the hospital’s artificial bright lights. “Innie. Are you feeling okay?” I.N wheezed which turned into a coughing fit. That seemed like I.N wasn’t prepared for. Tears streamed down the younger’s face. “I’m so glad you’re okay. We thought we lost you. I was so scared. Everyone was.” I.N’s eyes met Chan’s and Chan’s heart sunk. I.N was glaring at him. Not what Chan had expected at all. Why did he look so angry? And was was it pointed towards Chan?

“Mr Bang?” Chan looked up at a nurse who walked in. She was once of the nurses and doctors looking after I.N and she may have already come to know Chan from how often he was by I.N’s side.

“Visiting hours are up. I will have to painfully ask you to leave now.” She stated as she walked towards the patient who was now awake. “Sorry to cut your time short. Jeongin we will take very good care of you.” 

“Thank you.” Chan said before he was being ushered out. 

…

A few days later…

“Yuna. Do you want a drink?” Chan asked as he got up from the chair causing his knee to pop. 

“Umm, a grape soda.” Yuna replied. Chan hummed and left the room. 

It was Chan’s first visit after the day he woke up. Chan was excited to talk to him. The others said he was in high spirits, but he was sleeping when him and Yuna arrived. Chan went to go retrieve these drinks from a vending machine which was only a little walk away, and he thought about how I.N glared at him once he woke up the other day. It might have been nothing but Chan wasn’t sure. He felt weird about it.

I.N slightly let the light in, quickly closing his eyes to shield him from the cruel light that attacked him mercifully. He still felt like shit. Even today, three days after he’d started being able to breath by himself. It felt weird, he felt weak.  

I.N heard someone click their tongue and he rolled his head and pried open his eyes a little to get a brief glimpse of Yuna sitting on one of the visiting chairs. I.N’s heart clenched tightly, as that would mean Chan was here too, and he really didn’t want to face Chan when he felt this shitty, but strength was slowly returning to him every second he was awake. His eyes were fully open when Yuna started talking, which caused I.N to rolls his eyes.

“Look who finally decided to wake up.” Yuna huffed. I.N tried to ignore her. He didn’t feel like dealing with her shit right now, so he used the remote to able him to sit up. “I bet you are faking to get Chan’s attention.” Oh. Here she goes again. Making Chan’s attention like some sort of game. I.N swung his legs off the bed. He really wanted to walk, but medical plugs and chords were pumping things in him and it felt so uncomfortable like his whole body was bruised. 

“I answered the phone that night.” 

I.N froze, and his eyebrows pinched together in confusion, but then remembering back to the night his was taken into the ambulance. He couldn’t remember much only that he was trying to contact Chan and Chan wouldn’t answer the phone, but at the last few moments Chan did-

No…Yuna said she did. Just then. 

“What!?” I.N hissed at the girl, who flicked her hair back with a excitement glint in her eyes. 

“I answered while Chan was having a shower. After we fucked.” I.N’s heart picked up sped, and it felt it like a car leaving burnt out tire tracks. It stained his heart. Yuna grinned from ear to ear at I.N’s reaction. She stood up and walked closer to him. “We fucked, while you were struggling all out in the snow. Struggling to breath calling for help from someone who would’ve even bothered because he was too busy clenching his desired thirst that I could only cultivate.” 

I.N wasn’t really thinking. He couldn’t after all the things she was saying. He hadn’t realised what he’d done before it was too late. 

The sound echoed just like in his house. He was no better than his mother. I.N had stood up, and was towering over Yuna. He hadn’t hit her hard enough for her to fall on the ground dramatically as she did, but he hit her nevertheless. He regretted almost immediately. He wasn’t a violent person. He wouldn’t do something like this, maybe it was the medication he was on or something happened to his brain’s chemistry after the incident. I.N tried to think of a solid and rational reasoning behind such an act. 

“I.N!” I.N’s eyes shot up and he saw shear horror reflecting in Chan’s eyes. Chan’s attention turned to Yuna who was still on the floor, holding her cheek with tears in her eyes. “Yuna! Are you okay?” 

“H-he hit me.” She cried. Chan then looked up at I.N and he wanted to crumble back into unconsciousness because Chan seemed so angry, disappointment, and sad and it was all pointed towards him. He hated that. His heart couldn’t stop the stabbing and all his ears could hear were a high pitch whistle. He wanted to cry. Not Yuna. He wanted Chan to check if he was alright. Not Yuna. I.N couldn’t look into Chan’s eyes directly it was too much instead he took a glimpse of a noticeable smirk on Yuna’s face which quickly dissipated once Chan faced her once again asking if she was okay. She played it up. I.N really hated this girl. She was evil.

“Chan she is fa-“ I.N tried to explain to Chan what had happened.

“I.N! You can’t just hit someone. No matter the reason. How could you?” Chan interrupted while he was kneeling next to her with his arm around her, as she fake cried in her hands. “She is just a girl.” 

“I know- I’m sorry I only-“ I.N tried to spit out, he just didn’t want Chan to be angry at him anymore. He hated it. He wanted this to be over. 

“No!” Chan interrupted once agin. “Its not something you can just say sorry about, what’s happened to you…first you woke up glaring at me like I was the person that put you here and second you hit Yuna.”

I.N’s breath hitched. Chan was there when he woke up. Yes he glared at him, but that’s because he was in so much pain he was angry at everyone and everything, but now he had calmed down he could think again. Then again, if Yuna was correct and Chan and her were fucking…then Chan had been ignoring him the whole time. I.N could just remember all the pain he was in. He thought he was going to die. The doctors had told him that his heart did stop in the ambulance, but Chan wasn’t there. Yuna wasn’t there. Only the stranger who had come introduced himself as BamBam was there. Chan didn’t care. He was too busy fucking some bitch to bother with I.N. 

“…you have to say sorry to the person you hit before anyone else, especially if they are a women.” I.N didn’t have anything to apologise for. She deserved it. He doesn’t regret hitting her anymore. He’d hit her again if it meant she’d understand not to mess around with him. Chan doesn’t understand anything. It’s okay for a women to hit though. It’s okay for his mother to hit him. Chan was started to sound like her too. Talking down to him. Telling him what to or what not to do. Like was he a friend, a parent, a potential lover? I.N was confused. He hated it. He doesn’t want this anymore, and if Chan would always continue to be like this then maybe he doesn’t need Chan anymore. He doesn’t want them in here. He doesn’t want to look at their faces. 

“STOP! IM NOT SOME FUCKING CHILD OF YOURS! You don’t understand anything! As soon as I think I can trust you again and try count on you, you just fuck it up. I’m not some kind of game you can play with! Now. Get out! I don’t want any visitors!” 

Chan was taken aback but instead of getting angry again. His eyes softened. 

“Innie… I never meant too…“

“You don’t mean anything Chris. Not to me. Not anymore…now…get out.” I.N’s voice hardened with each word. He averted his gaze away from the duo. 

“You don’t care about me, I cared about you to the point that the last person I wanted to hear from was you, yet you don’t care about me at all. Not really. The ONLY reason your even here is because you felt guilty AFTER the fact. You thought what? that if you came here for a few times I’d forgive you, would that clear your conscience then life would go back to normal with you not giving a SHIT about me… well FUCK that and FUCK you.” I.N had his arms crossed and after that rant he fell upright on the bed. His gaze still averted. 

He heard them get up and heard their footsteps distance themselves. Yuna still faked sobbing and sniffling. The tension was thick, waiting for the next thing to be said, or the next outburst. Chan had stopped at the door as I.N could see in his peripheral vision. It seemed he was hesitant. But I.N felt angrier that he was hesitating and how he knows Chan is just trying to think about only what words were right in this situation.

 If only Chan were to come and kiss him and say that he wants nothing to do with Yuna. To say that he wasn’t fucking and ignoring him. To say that he loves him and no one else. But I.N could feel his temperature rise even more when he heard a sob come from Yuna, and he knows Chan will never do that. Be that. He knows now. I.N must give up on him. 

“ Innie- I’m sorry-“ 

Each word felt like knives being planted right into his chest. 

“When you are discharged and you need a lift home- then don’t hesitate to call-“ I.N snapped. Why wasn’t he gone already? Chan doesn’t mean anything to him anymore. 

“What?! Call you?! After the fuck just happened. Get out. You’ll be lucky if I ever want to see you again” I.N heard Chan sigh and guessed Chan semi carried Yuna out. 

He sat alone. 

In the hospital room, trying to take a deep breath but it hurt to breath. It was painful, it felt like that night all over again. He stared absentmindedly towards the chairs in the room, he thought about how he’d miss Chan. It felt like a piece had been ripped from his heart, and now all that was left was an empty void that may never be filled again. 

…

A knock at the door. 

Chan hadn’t been able to sleep or eat after what happened at the hospital the other day. He could feel the bags under his eyes weigh heavily, but today was the day he would get back at Jae. Changbin was set to call him any moment. 

But someone had to be at the door. Then the notion of I.N being there lifted Chan quickly from his seat and hurry to the door. He opened it expecting to see the fox like boy, but to his dismay BamBam stood there awkwardly shifting under Chan’s gaze. 

“What do you want?” Chan said in a monotone voice. 

“Well, hello to you too.” Chan rolled his eyes. He didn’t have time for this guy to ask to join their little group. Chan was leader what he says goes, and he says no to this guy. “Umm…I.N sent me.”

Chan whole attitude changed upon hearing that news. His eyes widened and instead of his slump in defeat and pushed his shoulders back ready for what I.N wanted to say. “And…what did he want you to tell me?” Chan raised an eyebrow. 

“He won’t talk to you. You lost that privilege.” Chan wanted to punch this guy in the face. How dare you tell him that, but then reminded himself it wasn’t the messenger this was I.N speaking, unless this guy was playing it up. “And…he told me to give you this.” BamBam held out his closed fist. Chan put his open hand under it and it dropped. A piece of metal. Chan’s heart stopped. 

He stared down at the Gucci necklace that he’d given to I.N for a birthday gift. Chan’s phone then started to vibrate. He picked it up since it was important as Changbin had the information set up at his father’s company. 

“He is in motion. I’ll be there in 10. Are you set?” Changbin said over the phone. 

“Yeah. I’ll look on the monitor for any changes before we leave. That bastard will pay.” Chan hang up. BamBam shook his head in disappointment. “What?” 

“I.N was worried about that. I met that Jae guy at Felix’ workplace because he was harassing Felix, but this isn’t the way to solve the issue. You aren’t who I thought you were.” 

“And who did you think I was? I’m just trying to protect my family.”

“No. You’re not. You’re trying to justify your actions which in the long run won’t protect anyone. You should let the police handle it. I’m sure they will catch someone like that.” 

“Fuck off” Chan warned, while clenching I.N’s necklace, and slamming his door shut.

Chan wondered back into his studio. He looked up at the monitor that provided the information of Jae’s tracker, but he didn’t really take any of the information itself in. He was couldn’t stop thinking about I.N and what had happened. Did I.N really hate him now? I.N was so angry about how Chan treated him, but Chan didn’t mean-

Chan remembered the words I.N yelled. 

“You don’t mean anything Chris. Not to me. Not anymore…now…get out.” Chan remember I.N’s hard stare, just like when he awoke. Why did that affect Chan so much? He probably woke up in pain. Chan felt so stupid…he lost his little brother…He feels so useless. Like no matter what he did to try and help I.N just saw him as the same thing. Chan doesn’t mean to act like a parental figure he is just worried all time for everyone. 

He can’t help it. He can’t help that he lost I.N like that. He will try be better once again. He wants to be, but how can he start? Just some guidance would be nice. 

His head felt light and full of cotton kinda, and before he realised it. His cheeks were wet. He didn’t cry that often. He looked up with unfocused version at the monitor to see if he could channel his emotions into anger instead of this pathetic feeling.

But it was all for nothing as no anger fired him. He lost it. He lost it all. He felt the necklace heavy around his neck which he has decided to wear as a reminder of what had happened. And then-

Light sept into the room, and a buff figure walked in. 

“Chan! CHAN! They caught him. His tracker is located in the police station right now!” 

Chan rubbed his eyes to look at the monitor and how he didn’t notice before was incredible. Changbin was right, but how did they catch him? That doesn’t matter as long as that fucker was away. 

“Woah! What happened to you?” Changbin held a hand on Chan back. 

…

4 months later…

“Are you getting settled in right?” Chan asked. 

“Yeah. I wish Binnie would stop being so demanding though.” Lee Know rolled his eyes.

“Hey! I heard that!” 

“And he is just so loud. Chan, I don’t think I can survive this.”  

“you’ll be great! I’ll see you guys on campus.” Chan ended the call. Lee Know, Changbin, Hyunjin and Seungmin all decided to get a shared house for the upcoming University semester. High school was finished and they were full fledged adults. Felix had already moved back to Australia and let’s say the send off wasn’t the best. 

Chan and BamBam fought, and I.N was still not on talking basis with Chan. Changbin cried so hard and he announced his love for Felix, then drank too much to the point he asked Felix to marry him to get away from going back to Australia. Lee Know was on his phone the whole time texting Jisung. Hyunjin and Seungmin left early. 

Two weeks later I.N announced in the group chat he and BamBam started dating and caused Chan to spiral into a deeper depression and he still doesn’t know why. It’s like he lost more than just his little brother. Jisung is going to go to the same University therefore, there is a chance to gather the group up. Chan, Changbin and Jisung are giving 3racha another go. Changbin made a deal with his old man that if he didn’t succeed within a year after completing University than he would quit music altogether and go work at the company for the rest of his days. 

Chan regrets a lot. He wanted to be better for everyone. He wanted to be a leader that everyone looked up to. A leader that kept everyone together, but even though not everyone is together doesn’t mean the bond between everyone is completely gone.