Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Robbe. A lot of words spring to mind when people ask me about him, but depending on when you ask, my answer would definitely be different. You see, for years Robbe was one of my closest friends. A shoulder to cry on and a person to laugh with every day. He was a ray of sunshine in my life, and although those all remain true… Certain aspects of our relationship changed over the course of a couple of hours. The lines around friends and more than becoming completely blurred.

But how did it happen? Well, that’s the thing… I don’t know. I mean, I do, but what I mean to say is, I don’t know how thing escalated so much so fast. One second, he was just my friend, a charming guy cracking jokes with me at our friends’ wedding. The next thing I knew, we were lying in bed together, trying to find the right words to say to each other.

It had been a stressful day for him, I knew that going into it. The wedding in question was for Jens and Jana, the two of them finally tying the knot and fully committing to one another, pushing forwards despite the rockiness that they had encountered during their relationship.

We were all so happy for them, how could we not be? But with Robbe, there was just a hint of underlying bitterness. The thing that he just couldn’t shake. And even though he never said it outright, probably thinking that admitting it to someone else would make it all too real, I knew what was going on in his head.

Robbe used to have the biggest crush on Jens. It was just a plain fact, something that the two of them joked about freely. It had been years since actual feelings were there, and they both felt like they were comfortable enough around each other to tease. Despite that, he was one of the first people that Robbe fell for. No matter how much time passed, it was still tough seeing your first love so content in their life. And I could see the longing in his big brown eyes, not necessarily for Jens himself, but for what him and Jana had, the closeness, the intimacy, the devotion. I was sure he was feeling like that small sixteen-year-old boy again, transported back in time to a period where he was probably the loneliest, he had ever been.

Well, I was determined for him not to feel that way. It always broke my heart to see him so sad. The little frown on his face making me ache.

The ceremony was beautiful, be it a little boring but that was nothing against them. Weddings are never for the guests anyway; it is for the happy couple. I just found myself being too distracted trying to make Robbe feel better, making faces at him to try and make him laugh. It turned into a bit of a game, trying to make the other person break. Looking back, it probably was not something we should have been doing, considering it could have been disastrous had one of us actually burst out laughing. But in the moment, it was so much fun.

During the after party, we danced for so long that our feet started to hurt, but we pushed on, clinging to each other like mad men as we swayed to the music. The amount of alcohol that we had drunk made it pretty hard to properly dance, the little coordination we had when we were sober completely disappearing. That didn’t matter to either of us, though. We were having fun and that was the main thing.

But when we stopped moving to get some air, that was when things took a turn. Whether it was in the right or wrong direction was up to interpretation.

The distraction of the movement and laughter was no longer there and Robbe was left to focus on how depressed he truly was. He kept going on and on about how he was never going to find the perfect person for him. How every relationship he ever had ended in disaster, a spectacular explosion that only got bigger each time. He kept explaining to me how he didn’t deserve to be loved because he was the common denominator in all of those situations, that everyone left him, so clearly, he was the problem.

He was specifically talking about one of his recent breakups. Robbe and Philip had been dating for months and they had been completely smitten with one another. He had even said to me a few times that he genuinely thought he had found the person he was supposed to be with. But things ended quite abruptly, the other boy breaking it off when he said thing were getting too serious. It completely shattered Robbe and made him think all of those insane things about him being unworthy of people’s affections. 

That was the final straw for me. I couldn’t stand there any longer and listen to him spouting all sorts of nonsense about how undesirable he was. Because even though our relationship was purely platonic, there was no denying how attractive Robbe was. Not only that, but he also had a brilliant personality. So smart and funny and creative. Nothing he was claiming about himself was true.

I did not know what I was going to do before it was happening, and by that point it was much too late to turn back. My mouth was pressed up against his, a gentle caress of lips to begin with, and for a few moments that’s all it was. That is all I thought it would ever be. I pulled away a little, about to tell Robbe everything in words, explain what I had done, but before I could even open my mouth, he had brought his hands up to the back of my head and brought me back against him.

The pace was relentless from the start, messy and as uncoordinated as our dance moves. It was full of tongues and teeth and probably one of the worst kisses that I could have bestowed upon my friend, but in the moment neither of us seemed to care. The alcohol had done wonders to our brains, making our thoughts slower. If we had been sober, none of it would have happened. We would have thought out our actions better, probably just a nice conversation about how Robbe was feeling… But instead, it ended up going in the exact opposite direction.

The events after that were a little hazy. Sure, I could piece together what happened in my mind considering the position we were in the next morning, but that did not ease the worry in my mind. I did not want things to change between us, for things to get weird and awkward. I cursed my drunk self out, inside my head, for being so sloppy. I seriously could have gotten with anyone else in that party (ok maybe not anyone) but instead I chose to hook up with my best friend… Yeah, real smart move.

“Hi.” Robbe said, almost shyly, peeking at me over the top of the blanket.

We had seen each other shirtless before. We had seen so much more, the previous night. So, it was kind of funny to me that we both seemed intent on covering up. Even so, I held back my laughter.

“Hey… How are you?”

I cringed a little at the question, the phrase sounding so formal. But Robbe just smiled at me.

“I’m good. Doing much better than yesterday… Thanks for putting up with me, by the way. I was probably such a downer.”

“You weren’t.” I replied, truthfully. He was the entire reason I had fun there. I was one hundred percent certain that it would have been way less of a laugh without him there.

He nodded, “That’s a relief then.”

An interval of silence followed after that, an air of awkwardness drifting over us that I was keen to try and get away. I wanted to try and make the situation we were in better, to try and diffuse all the tension that surrounded us, and in my head, humour was the best way to cope with that.

“So… I’ve never done that with you before.”

I almost threw myself out of bed onto the hard ground where I belonged. That was possibly the worst joke that I could have made.

Thankfully, Robbe giggled. The sweet sound that always added about five years onto my lifespan.

“Nope…” He said, softly, “Guess that’s off the bucket list though.”

I blanched in bewilderment, “What? You wanted to… You planned…”

“Sander, I’m kidding!”

“Oh.”

And that was round two of trying to keep myself from disappearing forever.

Normally I thrived underneath Robbe’s gaze, but his stare was different somehow and it just added to my need to sink underneath the covers completely. Not that he was looking at me in a bad way… it was just something completely unreadable and that was not something I was used to. Robbe and I can read each other like an open book with big, bold lettering. Yet, it seemed like a barrier had come down, shutters blocking me from his soul.

But just as I was about to try and broach the subject, check that everything truly was ok between us, there was a knock on the door.

“Yo, Sander!” Aaron called through, “You up?”

Robbe and I looked at each other, our expressions mirroring the same fear. If we had not even discussed what had happened between us, it was not something we wanted our friends to find out.

“Under the covers.” I whispered, so the other boy would not be able to hear me.

“Are you sure he won’t notice me?”

I rolled my eyes, but the reaction was fond. Aaron was one of my friends, but he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.

“No, it’ll be fine.”

After a couple of seconds of us moving around to try and make his body as unnoticeable as possible on the bed, I called Aaron in, trying to make my voice sound tired as if he had just woken me up.

“Hey, have you seen Amber?” He asked, immediately.

“No, why would I have seen her?”

The boy shrugged, “I don’t know, she’s your cousin.”

“And? I don’t track her. Why?”

“I promised that I would hang out with her last night but me and Moyo got a bit distracted by the free bar…”

That really spoke for itself. My cousin was a very particular person, like to have things done a certain way. If her and Aaron had agreed on something, she would have wanted it to remain that way, as any other sane person would too, to be honest. But the likelihood was, she wouldn’t take him getting drunk and forgetful as an excuse. The two of them would be fine, anyway. They were always having meaningless quarrels like that.

“Anyway, how was your night? You and Robbe seemed to vanish.”

He probably didn’t mean anything by it, but I started to panic.

“What? No, we didn’t… I mean, we just came up here and we, um, we watched a movie! Because… Because we… Yeah.”

I could almost feel Robbe’s shoulders shaking with laughter beside me. And yeah, I suppose he did find it funny considering he wasn’t in the hot seat.

“Oh, alright.” Aaron said, not finding my lie odd at all, “Did you watch anything good?”

“I… It was just one of those TV movies, y’know? I can barely remember it; I was pretty out of it by that point.”

“Yeah, understandable. I’m gonna go find Amber but I’ll catch up with you later, maybe?”

“Mhmm, see you.”

He scurried back out of the room as quickly as possible. It was hilarious how caught up he was trying to gain the approval of his girlfriend, while still behaving like an immature idiot. He was a loveable dork most of the time, but it was still odd that Amber was into him considering she was so uptight.

“A TV movie?” Robbe snorted, sitting up again, “That was the best thing you could come up with?”

“Hey, you wouldn’t have been able to come up with anything better!”

He smirked, swinging his legs out of bed, and getting up, “I guess we’ll never know.”

I had to admit, he did look insanely alluring standing there in front of me. His toned abs right in my eyeline and rendering me speechless. Who could blame me though? Anyone in their right mind would be taken aback by his insane amount of gorgeousness. As far as I knew, he didn’t go to the gym, so the fact that it was all just natural beauty made it so much more impressive.

Robbe must have noticed me staring, as he hurriedly pulled his shirt back on, hanging his head bashfully as he did the buttons up. The action brought flashes of memory back from the night before, my hands ripping it open to touch the bare skin underneath. It was honestly surprising that none of it had been torn in our haste.

He cleared his throat, “So… I’d better go.”

It broke me out of my daze, lifting my head up to look him in the eyes again.

“Yeah, um, yeah… We’re ok though, right? I wouldn’t want this to make things weird between us.”

Robbe nodded and smiled at me as he tugged on the rest of his clothes. A part of me was a little sad at the action, but it would have been overstepping to voice those opinions.

“We’re ok, San.” He said, sounding genuine, “Don’t worry. This was just… A one-night thing, there is no need for us to make it awkward – just two friends helping each other out, right?”

“Exactly, just a one-night thing.” I echoed.

I had no idea why the thought of never having Robbe in that way again made me feel so weird inside. He was my best friend; I really should have been relieved that we weren’t making a big deal of things and could appreciate the night for what it was – something fun for just the once.

“I’m gonna go then, see you downstairs?”

“Yeah, see you in a bit.” I replied, sending him a smile as made his way to the door.

As soon as he left, I flopped back onto the mattress, feeling something completely indescribable in my stomach. It was an odd feeling that I had never felt before and I had no idea how to go about trying to understand it.

***

I went down to the lobby of the hotel, bag in my hand and ready to go home. It had been a pretty crazy weekend and I was more than ok with returning to some normalcy… At least, that is what I kept telling myself and I was sure that eventually I would see having a boring life was very much better than complicating relationships with a certain person.

Robbe was already there, looking radiant as he stood with Moyo, the two of them laughing over something. He put his hand on his arm to brace himself as he almost doubled up, his cackling echoing off the walls. I really wished I were in his position, but I would not admit that to either of them. It would just cancel out the whole ‘not making it weird’ conversation we just had.

Amber and Aaron were there too, both of them looking happy and smiling, so I assumed they had made up from whatever it was they were arguing over. It was so stupid that I had already forgotten.

“Hey.” I said, walking over to them and leaning my arm on her shoulder.

“Hiya! Did you enjoy yourself last night?”

Aaron let out a laugh, “All he and Robbe did was watch a film, doesn’t exactly scream fun night, does it? At least Jens and Jana probably had a good time.”

The last sentence was said teasingly, his eyebrows dancing about on his face. That only cause Amber to smack him on the arm, rolling her eyes so hard that I feared they would roll into the back of her head.

“Don’t be so crass, Aaron.”

“It’s true though! It was their wedding night; don’t you think they would be-”

“I don’t want to think about that!”

“Maybe I should go…” I said, staring to step away, but Amber pulled me back by my arm. For such a small girl, she was quite strong.

“No! Stay.” She demanded, “I have to ask you something, anyway. Do you have a date yet for my parents’ anniversary celebration?”

I fixed her with a look. One that clearly explained everything that I did not want to say out loud, but she remained silent until I did it.

“Considering I came to our friends’ wedding without a date, you should have assumed that no, I don’t have one for your parents’ event either.”

There were not many people that I could ask to come with me. My ex-girlfriend Britt was definitely out of the question, I did not particularly want to see her after things ended between us. And it would be pretty awkward to reach out and ask her to accompany me to a party.

It would also be too weird to ask Robbe considering what had just happened between us. Sure, I could explain that it was just as friends, but the entire evening would be centred around romance and the celebration of everlasting love… It would all just be a bit much.

She nodded, “Well, maybe you should find one. It would pretty embarrassing if you were the only person arriving alone.”

“Thanks for that, Amber. Look, I’ll try and find someone but I’m not making any promises.”

As I spoke to her, I tried to keep my eyes determinedly away from Robbe, which was a surprisingly hard task. I could not seem to keep myself focussed on anything but his melodious laughter. Which no doubt would be accompanied by his winning smile and bright eyes sparkling for all to see.

It was a little odd… I had never really had a problem like that before. Sure, I have frequently looked at him when he was speaking, because that is just normal social etiquette. But feeling inexplicably drawn to him was something that had barely registered to me before then.

“I’m really only suggesting it for your own good.” Amber continued, seemingly not noticing my slight trouble staying focussed, “You would probably be really lonely if you didn’t bring anyone.”

“As much as I appreciate your concern, I’m sure I will be fine.”

My cousin seemed to forget that she never used to bring dates to events like these, as many other people didn’t either, and she still managed to have fun. Having a date did not entitle a good time – a fact that she had seemed to forget since she started to date Aaron.

“If you say so…”

Aaron patted me on the arm, “If you don’t manage to bring anyone, you could always hang with us!”

I think that he meant it to be comforting and to put my mind at ease, a confirmation that I would not be alone for the entire night… But if I were being completely honest, all it did was strike the fear of God in me. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck with them all night. As much as I loved Amber, her and her boyfriend combined could be a lot, and dealing with that for a long period of time would probably use up the entirety of my social battery.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I said, taking a step away from them, “Anyway, I have to start heading home… I’ll talk to you later?”

“Yeah, see you!”

Just as I tried to make a break for the door, content in the knowledge that Robbe was still in a conversation with Moyo, he raced after me.

“Hey!” He said, making he come to a halt right in front of the door.

“Hi, everything ok?”

His voice sounded a little unsure when he answered, “Yeah… Is everything alright with you?”

I nodded, trying to give him a genuine smile, “Uh huh, I was just gonna head home. This weekend was fun, but there is a ton of work that I need to catch up on, or my boss might actually kill me.”

My voice was a little too fast, everything sounding just a tad rushed and I had no idea why everything was so difficult all of a sudden. Things were normally so simple between Robbe and me, we could talk about anything with ease, but I was genuinely terrified that what we had done in our drunk state had made everything too overcomplicated. That we would never be able to return to the way we once were.

Then again, he seemed fine. I was the one making things unnecessarily uncomfortable.

“Oh, alright.” Robbe said, shrugging my statement off easily, “I just wanted to check because you seemed in a bit of a hurry to get out of here.”

“Yeah… Just gotta get some work done.”

“Aah, ok. Good luck with that.”

“Thanks.” The word came out with a laugh, but more of a nervous one.

We stood there looking at each other for a few more moments before Moyo was yelling Robbe back over.

“Well… I’ll talk to you later, then?” he said, looking at me with wide and hopeful eyes.

I nodded, “Yeah, we’ll talk later.”

***

“Younes, I’m home!” I called out when I walked into my flat.

Younes and I had met during college, living together in the dorms together and creating a bond that would last a lifetime. At first glance, not many people would have thought we would get along as well as we did. I was an arty kid, interested in old music and photography, someone who preferred my own company than being around crowds. While Younes was definitely a people person, a plant dad and gentle soul. Still, we got along like a house on fire, our personalities mixing well together.

When we finished school, we enjoyed each other’s company so much that we decided to continue living together. Our flat was the perfect combination of both of us. There were plants dotted everywhere, creating a bit of a jungle effect, and my record player was in pride of place in the living room. The stacks of vinyl’s were often stacked haphazardly, threatening to fall, but they never usually did unless we were in a hurry to listen to a specific song… That person was normally me.

My roommate walked out of his room, beaming at me in greeting.

“Hey, you’re back! How was the wedding?”

“Um…”

All that was coming into my mind was the memory of the previous night. The flashes of brown eyes and the feeling of soft hands on my skin. I knew that Younes was asking about the ceremony itself, how the entire event went, but at that moment I could not recall any of it. The entire thing felt secondary compared to how things went with Robbe.

The two of us had not outright discussed whether we would tell other people what happened between us. Though it seemed like we had an unspoken agreement to keep it quiet, considering the way we reacted when Aaron almost caught us. Plus, since it was a one-night thing… Was there actually anything to tell?

“Uh… Yeah, it was good. Really beautiful.”

“You don’t seem too sure about that.” Younes remarked, raising an eyebrow at me inquisitively, “Is there something you aren’t telling me?”

I scoffed, “No, of course not. What… What, um, would I not tell you?”

“I don’t know… How about you just let me know what you’re hiding?”

“I’m not hiding anything!”

I already knew that I was fighting a losing battle. Younes always had a freaky power where he could tell when I was lying. It was a blessing for him, a curse for me.

“Sander, come on.” He said, fixing me with a look, “What happened at the wedding? You can tell me, whatever it is.”

Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair in agitation.

“Alright… But you have to promise me that you won’t make a big deal out of it. And you can’t tell anyone, either.”

He nodded, “Ok, I won’t.”

I took a deep breath, trying to focus on the boy stood in front of me instead of the one in my brain and the feeling of phantom kisses on my neck.

“Last night…” I started, a little hesitantly, “I… Robbe and I kind of… We got drunk and, um, we, uh, hooked up…”

“You what?” Younes screamed. I had expected him to be shocked, but he sounded more excited than anything else.

The bright shine in his eyes told me that he was bordering on ecstatic, though I could not place why he was so happy about what I had told him. Robbe and I seemed panicked about the entire thing, so why my roommate would be excited about it was beyond me.

“Yeah, well it was just a one-night thing anyway…”

That made Younes stop in his tracks, his entire face freezing in an almost gormless expression. His mouth was hung open in shock, like he could not comprehend what I was telling him.

“What are you talking about?” He asked.

“I mean that it isn’t a regular thing… That we aren’t going to make a habit out of what happened between us.”

He groaned deeply, sounding exasperated when he began speaking again.

“I’m happy for you San, I really am, and I don’t want to overstep but… Why are you being such an idiot?”

Bewildered, I replied, “What?”

“The way that you two look at each other is so obvious, especially when you think the other isn’t watching you. And the expression that comes over your face when you are talking about him, or just thinking about him… It really just says more than words can.”

I shook my head, determinedly, “Younes, I’m really not sure what you’re trying to imply, but me and Robbe are just friends. That is all we ever have been and all we ever will be.”

“I hate to point it out,” he said, one of eyebrows raised, “but ‘just friends’ don’t sleep together.”

To be fair, he had a point. If this were the plot in a movie, I would have been screaming at the characters to just admit to themselves how much they were in love and finally get together. In our case, though, it was very much not true. Sure, Robbe was great, and I loved him like a friend, and of course I was attracted to him – I would not have slept with him otherwise. But I was most definitely not in love with him, as I was sure he was not with me.

“Please don’t push it.” I told him, “We really are only friends, there is nothing more between us. Last night was just a bit of fun… Don’t make me regret telling you about it.”

Younes held his hands up in a surrender, seeming to drop the topic.

“Ok, ok, I won’t say anything else.”

“Thank you.”

I started to walk over to my room, wanting to put my bag away. Just as I was about to walk through the doorway, Younes piped up again.

“Can I just say one more thing…?”

“Younes!” I cried, rolling my eyes.

“Sorry! I just… Maybe you should properly talk with Robbe about it if you haven’t already. Make sure you two are on the same page.”

We already were on the same page, that it would never happen again. But if it was going to satisfy my roommate, then I would give him the answer that he wanted.

“Sure, I’ll do that.”

He nodded and smiled at me, falling silent again and finally allowing me to escape.

Most of the time I loved Younes, he was a joyful person to have around and really raised my spirits. Yet, when he stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and refused to acknowledge that it was not his business, it could get a little frustrating.

I did not need him to tell me that I was in love with someone when he had no proof. Saying that I had a look when I talked about Robbe was ridiculous because he’s my friend and I probably smiled because he makes me happy. If I smiled about Younes, nobody would accuse me of being in love with him. Ok, probably because his girlfriend Yasmina would have something to say about that, but that’s beside the point.

I was not in love with Robbe and that was that.

Chapter Text

It was Monday morning, and I was hanging out with Moyo. He was talking about this mystery girl he had a crush on, going on and on about how amazing and beautiful and talented she was. To be honest, I was a little distant, zoning out a lot as he chattered. It was not that what he was saying was boring – far from it. I always enjoyed hearing about my friends crushes, if only to get more material for merciless teasing.

But this time was different. The only thing that my mind would settle on was the night of the wedding, the stupid reckless drunk version of myself that had to be dumb and horny enough to seduce my best friend. I had next to no recollection of what happened leading up to us hooking up, but I was no doubt a sloppy emotional mess. To be honest, it was more shocking that I had actually managed to pull Sander rather than the fact we had slept together.

So, as Moyo was talking about the girl, all I could think of were strong hands gripping my waist, the fingers digging into my skin, the marks that they had made there that vanished way too soon. I thought of the feeling of his mouth, the soft lips running all the way down my neck and making me shiver with just the memory.

I didn’t even know why I was so hung up on it. All I wanted to do was forget it happened and move on. We had agreed it was a one-night thing, that we could move on and keep our friendship intact. If I kept fantasising about that one night where I was drunk enough to throw away my inhibitions, that would probably make it harder. And I didn’t want anything to come between our friendship, Sander was the most important person to me on the planet.

He had always been there for me, ever since we were teenagers. Through my parents’ divorce, through my coming out, through my endless streams of breakups, he was there to fix my heart with his kind words and warm hugs. I was never going to put that in jeopardy just because my drunk alter ego took advantage of his friendship and pushed it a step too far.

“Robbe… You ok, man?” Moyo asked, sounding a little concerned.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, yeah, I’m ok.”

“You sure?”

I nodded profusely, the last thing I needed was to prompt anymore questions. As much as I had teased Sander for not handling the pressure well when faced with Aaron, I knew that I would be no better. If any of my friends caught even the slightest hint that something had happened, they would be able to make me crack in no time at all.

“I’m fine, honestly.” I insisted, “Think I’m probably just still a bit hungover from the weekend.”

He chuckled lowly, “Yeah, that was a crazy night. You went pretty hard, I’m not surprised that you’re still affected… Sander is probably still dying too, right?”

“Um, how would I know? I haven’t, I don’t… Why would I know if he is?”

“Because he’s your best friend?” Moyo said, raising an eyebrow, “I figured you two would have texted or something.”

“Oh… No, we haven’t.”

It was true, we had not spoken since the morning after in the hotel lobby. Maybe it had just been my perception, but it was slightly awkward, probably just from us processing what had happened mere hours before.

I had hoped he would reach out, to make the first move and show that there was no lasting weirdness between the two of us, but he never did. Perhaps I could have said something, but I was a little nervous, so I thought it would be best to just wait it out.

“Alright.” Moyo shrugged, not thinking much of it, “Oh! You need to ask him to come hang out next Friday.”

“Why?”

“Because Jens will be back from his honeymoon, so we’re all meeting up? We had this conversation yesterday, Robbe… Are you seriously that forgetful?”

I tutted and sighed, “No, I just meant, why do I have to ask him?”

“I say again – he is your best friend. Just stop being such a weirdo and text him. Damn, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much next time, dude, you get really odd with your hangovers.”

I hummed a little as I took out my phone, knowing he wouldn’t stop pestering until I had sent him a message.

“Yeah, probably a wise decision.” Though it was not the hangover I was trying to avoid a repeat of.

Me: Hey Sander! We are gonna meet up next

Friday since Jens is going to be home

You down to join?

The reply was almost instantaneous, like he had been right there staring at his phone, just waiting for a text to come through.

Sander: Yeah that sounds chill, I’ll be there

“Happy now?” I asked Moyo, showing him my phone.

He gave a satisfied nod, “Was that so hard?”

And no, I guess it wasn’t… I just had to keep it that way. Things between Sander and I had always been easy, that was the way that it should always remain.

Sex always had a way of ruining things. That was a fact I knew all too well. It had made many of my relationships implode, whether it being my lack of enthusiasm or my lack of skill, a lot of my partners had listed it off as a reason to not want me around anymore. I really should have known that it was a completely awful idea to get that mixed into my friendship with Sander, the last thing I needed was for him to leave me too.

Philip was especially crass about it. He told me that he was only with me for the sex in the first place, that the only reason he spoke to me when we first met was because he wanted to get into my pants… And when he did that was really all he intended on it being. He never wanted anything more, none of the commitment or love that I brought forwards, none of the tender touches or just plain hugs that I craved. He was callous and rude… Despite that, I still found love for him in my heart, and I found it brutally painful when he told me that things were not working out. That since I refused to have sex with him as much as he wanted, and that I continuously felt the need to reaffirm his commitment to me, he was done.

So, easy. Yes, I could do that. I could carry on with the way things had always been between Sander and I, move on from that night and push it right to the back of my mind where it would never see the light of day again. It was better that way.

“So, tell me more about this girl, then.” I said, eager to push the topic away from Sander.

“Well, her name is Noor. She works as a photographer and editor – her photos are breath-taking, she is seriously talented, did I mention that before?”

He probably had, but I shook my head anyway. There was something else in his sentence that had made me stop in my tracks with intrigue.

“Her name is Noor?”

Moyo nodded, “Your memory seems to have taken a knock recently if you already need reminding of that.”

“No,” I sighed, “I just know her, that’s all… She is friends with Sander, they work together. I’ve met her a few times.”

So much for staying away from the topic of Sander.

Moyo’s face brightened immediately, and he went off on a tangent again, talking about how he now needed to have more conversations with her. Apparently, all about some master plan to get her to see how great he was… Or how great they would be together…? He probably said both, but he was talking so fast that it was a little hard to keep up most of the time.

And then a message made me whole mind completely freeze, though I think Moyo was too wrapped up in his own plotting to really notice.

Sander: Maybe we could meet up before then?

I think we should talk properly

And suddenly I was no longer in control, my thoughts whirring in overdrive.

Maybe Sander had decided things were too weird between us now and that he couldn’t push past what happened. Maybe he thought that nothing could go back to normal, that he could no longer see me the same. Maybe sex was truly going to be the thing that would end not only my relationships, but also my friendship with my favourite person, the one who I cherished the most.

Me: Ok, sure. Yeah, we can talk

Sander: Cool, we could go and grab some coffee?

Me: Sounds good

Sander: Friday? I finish work early then

Me: Ok, see you then

“Robbe!” Moyo exclaimed, clicking his fingers to regain my attention, “You listening?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m listening.”

***

Friday came sooner than I expected. I thought that I would have at least a little time to prepare myself for our meet up, but time seemed to pass by in the blink of an eye and before I knew it, Sander was right there in front of me.

I tried to act normal and completely nonchalant as I took my seat in front of him at the coffee shop. He had gotten there before me and bought a drink, which was sat there waiting for me to take. It was a kind gesture, one that he had done many times before, but it still made my heart flip uncontrollably in my chest when I noticed it.

“Hey, Sander.” I greeted.

“Robbe, hey! It’s good to see you.”

“Yeah, you too.”

We sat there in silence for a moment, both picking up our drinks and taking a few sips. I think we were both using it as an excuse to not say anything, to try and stall as much as we could to avoid the no doubt inevitably awkward conversation we agreed to have.

Eventually, it was Sander who started speaking again. I was glad he made the first move, as I was way too nervous to say anything.

“Look, I just wanted to check that everything really was ok between the two of us.” He said, “Younes thought it might be a good idea for us to be on the same page, and I thought we were but… We never actually talked about what happened, so that’s why I was thinking maybe we should now? Just so that we are totally clear on everything.”

“You told Younes?”

I wasn’t mad, I had no right to be when we had never set any rules. My tone was just a little surprised.

He gave me a sheepish smile, “Yeah, sorry, it just kind of came out. He knew that I was hiding something, and I thought it would be quicker in the long run to just tell him. He would get it out of me eventually… Sorry if that wasn’t alright for me to do though.”

“No, no,” I replied, shaking my head a little, “We never said we couldn’t tell people, it’s fine. Maybe… Maybe nobody else though? If that’s ok? I just… I feel like our friends would make a bigger deal out of it than it needed to be.”

“Completely agreed.”

I loved our friends, but I knew for a fact that if they knew me and Sander hooked up, they would never let it go. For years to come, they would be teasing the two of us about it, probably trying to set us up and convince us that there were underlying feelings just waiting to break loose – which there was one hundred percent not.

Sander and I were the best of friends, nothing more. That night was just… It was just the outcome of high running emotions and too much alcohol. We both knew that. There was no need for our friends to come barging in and try to change what had actually happened, to try and prove that what we did was an act of love, not complete stupidness.

“So, just to confirm with you… This whole thing was just that one night, right?” Sander said, his tone cautious, “We can leave it in the past and move on? I just don’t want it to impact our friendship if we let any weirdness linger.”

“Yeah definitely. I wouldn’t want anything to come between us. It happened, there is nothing we can do to change that… But we were just drunk idiots, that’s all it was. We can just forget that it ever happened, it doesn’t have to change our friendship at all.”

He grinned, white teeth shining beautifully. It was something that I had always noticed about him, his gorgeous smile. The way that it made his entire face light up, his green eyes becoming even more like jewels than they normally did. He truly seemed ethereal when he was happy, it broke my heart when I saw him as anything otherwise.

“Glad we got all of that settled, then.”

“Yeah, me too.”

To be honest, I was actually really relieved. It seemed like things really could go back to normal, that we could return to our normal friendship dynamic and never have to deal with any repercussions from that idiotic decision that we made.

“Just for the record though, before we completely forget about things…” Sander murmured, his eyes glittering with mischief, “You were pretty good…”

I choked on my coffee, a good part of it dribbling down my chin in a very unattractive manner.

“Sander!” I cried, cheeks burning with embarrassment, “You can’t just say things like that.”

He was in fits of laughter on the other side of the table, clutching his stomach as he tried to stifle the sound of his joy.

“Ok, ok, sorry. I’m done, I just had to see what your reaction was.”

“I hate you.” I grumbled, crossing my arms in defiance.

“I love you too.” Sander teased, and I couldn’t help but smile.

He always seemed to have that effect on me, making me grin with only a flash of his kind eyes. Though, I wouldn’t have it any other way, he was like my bright sun on dark days. I loved him more than I would ever be able to express, and I was so glad that he was there as my friend. There wasn’t any other way I would rather it be.

Chapter Text

“Cheers!” we all chorused, clinking our bottles of beer in the middle of the table.

There was the five of us there, Me, Moyo, Aaron, Jens and Robbe. We had all decided to meet up to celebrate Jens finally returning from his honeymoon. The general consensus of the group was that we were glad to be out with just us, the boys without their ball and chains (an analogy said by Aaron, which was not really appreciated when he was talking about my cousin, but I let it slide. Only giving him a snide glance that shut him up pretty quickly.)

“So, how does it feel to be a married man now, Jens?” Moyo asked, nudging the dark-haired boy playfully.

“I’m not gonna lie to you all… It’s incredible. Just having someone there that really understands and cares about you, that is just that committed to you… It’s an unmatched feeling. And the fact that we have actually properly taken that step and pledged to be with each other, it feels amazing.”

As he was speaking, I felt my eyes dragging over to Robbe on their own accord. It was like there was some kind of inexplicable force that was making me stare in his direction, as my gaze was clear and unwavering, directly pointed right at him as he took another swig of his drink.

Surprisingly, he looked back at me, his brown eyes meeting mine. The prolonged eye contact sent a jolt through me, a shiver running down my spine. It was probably just because of the surprise at being caught staring.

I sent him a joking wink, hoping to make him laugh. Which he did, quietly giggling and a blush blossoming on his cheeks. It always made me feel great when I could make Robbe laugh. Not only because it was such a bright sound, but when he was feeling happy then so was I.

“Jana says she misses you all, by the way.” Jens added, “But she also told me not to get too wasted… So please bear that in mind.”

“Clearly she doesn’t know us very well if she expects us to stick to those rules.” Moyo scoffed, backed up by Aaron’s laughter and jeering.

“What about you two?” Jens asked, directing his question at me and Robbe, “Are you two gonna help them or me?”

Robbe sent me a furtive glance, so quick that the boys probably didn’t even notice it. I answered with a small shrug, so he turned back to his friend with a grin like the Cheshire Cat.

“I think we’ll be siding with the boys on this one, sorry bud.”

“As if you’re sorry.” He laughed, shaking his head, “I’ll be pointing Jana in your guys’ direction if she gets annoyed, just so you know.”

“Hey, we don’t control what you do.” Moyo replied, raising his hands in a surrender, “You feel free to not drink, no pressure. We just know what we will be doing…”

As it turned out, Jens did join in. It did not even take a lot of convincing for it to happen. After we had finished the beers, we already had in our hands, he was the one to go up and get another round, without anyone prompting him too either.

After a little while of drinking and just sitting around talking, we ended up heading to one of the more lively clubs down the road. Who’s idea was it? I had no idea, but it seemed like everyone agreed, wanting a more energised atmosphere than the slightly more chilled one that was in the bar. Not that it had been a bad thing, but after putting some alcohol in your system, the next thing you normally want to do is let loose some more and do something with all of that adrenaline coursing through your veins.

We all joined the throngs of people dancing, immersing ourselves into the crowd. It was completely electrifying, even when being jostled around and knocked into. I think it helped that I had been a little drunk before coming in, or my views may have been a little different.

The four of us were pretty wasted not too long after entering the building. It was most likely a combination of the strong drinks and the smog of heightened emotions in the club that caused us to quickly bow to the feeling of weightlessness and fully succumb to being drunk.

Jens kept mumbling on about how Jana was going to make him sleep on the sofa all night with a bucket next to him in case he puked, but I was much too preoccupied with something else in my eyeline to be fully wrapped up in his conversation.

Across the dance floor, I could see Robbe talking to some guy. He had slipped away about five minutes ago to run to the toilets, so I assumed he had been talking to this boy since he emerged. Or maybe the whole toilet excuse was just a facade so that he could go off and talk to that mystery guy without any of us going after him and interrupting.

I had no idea why, but while I was watching the two of them talk – or rather press their mouths up against each other’s ears to make their words audible – I felt a stabbing pain in my stomach. It was dull and brutal, something that almost made me double over with the sheer overwhelming feeling of it. And I had no idea why it had suddenly sprung out of nowhere… Maybe it had just been something that I had eaten earlier in the day before I had come out to meet with the boys.

“Who’s that, then?” Aaron shouted to me, nodding his head towards the person Robbe was talking to.

Turning towards him, I noticed all three of the boys looking over with curiosity, clearly having followed where my eyes had been staring.

“Not a clue. Just some guy that Robbe had been chatting with.”

There was an almost bitterness in my mouth when I spoke, possibly just from all the drinks I had been mixing together all night.

“Aah, maybe one of us is gonna get lucky tonight then.” Moyo cackled, “Because one thing is for sure, Jens isn’t.”

I laughed along with them, trying to stay in the moment, but it was hard to when all I could think of was the way the guy kept inching closer and closer to Robbe. The way his hands seemed to be outstretched, ready to hold him, to touch him. How his lips were ready to brush against his soft skin, to press against his mouth.

It was all playing out in my head, the two of them disappearing together into the dead of the night. Though, that was not what happened in reality. In actual fact, Robbe took a big step back, shaking his head slightly and gesturing in our general direction. For a moment, I thought the boy was going to get annoyed, but he merely shrugged, clapping Robbe on the shoulder in a friendly manner, before walking off.

“And what was all that about?” Jens teased, when he came back over, his eyebrows wiggling.

“It was nothing! We were just talking, he was being friendly, that’s all.”

“You sure about that?” I asked, trying to smile.

He faced me, rolling his eyes a little, “Fine, maybe he was flirting… But I wasn’t into it, so it doesn’t matter.”

“You weren’t?” I let out a breath, though I was a little unclear why I suddenly felt a little tension leave my body, “Was he not cute enough for you?”

Robbe groaned, shoving me a little, “Shut up, can we just not talk about it?”

Moyo shook his head in an attempt at being annoyed, but his smile betrayed him “So boring, IJzermans. We always tell you about our love lives!”  

“There is nothing to tell! Just, ugh – lets go and dance.”

To my surprise, it was my hand that he immediately grabbed a hold of, dragging me over to the swarm of people dancing. The others may have followed us over, but I couldn’t be sure. All I was focussed on was my best friend right in front of me, crowded into my personal space due to all of the people around us pushing around like pinballs.

Robbe’s arms ended up hesitantly slung over my shoulders. I looked down at him in surprise, finding him already staring at me.

“Is this alright?” he asked, “I just didn’t want us to get separated.”

There was no way I would have ever let him out of my sight anyway, but I didn’t say that. Instead, I merely nodded.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s fine.”

We spent probably at least another hour dancing together, getting lost in the thumping music and the intensity of the alcohol that had flooded our systems. In all of that time we never let go of each other, clinging onto each other almost for dear life. The boys made a few joking comments, but they all just rolled off me, probably Robbe too as he did not even care enough to comment on it.

Instead, we just danced together, practically fully pressed up against one another at some point. Our bodies having eliminated any distance between us on their own accord. Not that I was exactly complaining… It actually felt kind of nice to be dancing with him instead of some random stranger. It felt familiar and comforting to be in such a crowded and loud place but have one of my favourite people right there to ground me.

It was the effect that Robbe eluded, the comforting energy that he carried with him everywhere he went. Even if he did not even realise, his mere presence was always a reassurance to me.

After a while, I could see the lack of energy start to take over my friend, his movements slowing and his discomfort becoming palpable to anyone that looked at him.

I gently put my fingers underneath his chin, the touch intended for him to meet my eyes. I gestured towards the exit, silently asking him if he wanted to leave, to which he nodded with a small smile on his face, relief obvious washing over him.

“Hey, boys, I think I’m gonna take this one home.” I announced.

They all seemed a little sad that we were both leaving, but none of them tried too hard to make us stay, which I appreciated. Not that I would have allowed them to convince me, Robbe was clearly not feeling the club anymore and I hardly would have enjoyed myself knowing that fact.

“Sorry we had to leave early.” Robbe said, trying to sound light in his tone, but I knew he really felt bad.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I don’t mind at all.”

“Are you sure? Because if you want, you can go back in. I really don’t mind-”

I stopped in my tracks, placing my hands on his shoulders, and making him come to a halt too.

“Robbe, I would rather be out here with you than in there with all of them.” I told him, earnestly, “I much prefer your company, alright?”

“Might not want to tell them that…”

“Maybe not, but it’s true.”

His mouth twitched into a smile, “Ok.”

It broke my heart that he had genuinely seemed to think I would rather be back in the club surrounded by a bunch of strangers than with him. He was genuinely my favourite person; it would feel wrong to just allow him to go home all by himself and not spare him another thought.

“Ok, let’s go then.”

***

When we got back to Robbe’s flat, because I insisted on walking him home, we were met by a mess of scattered bottles and cups in the kitchen.

“What happened in here?” I asked, surveying the scene as Robbe just gave a resigned sigh.

“Milan said he was having a few people over for pre-drinks…”

“Pre? I think they had a whole bar in here.”

“Well, he never seems to do anything halfway.”

I stepped forwards, beginning to pick up the empty bottles and bring them over towards the sink in an attempt at trying to clear up the room. It probably didn’t do a lot in terms of actual cleaning, but I hoped that it would look at least a little cleaner and be that much less overwhelming when it came to actually tidying it all the next morning.

“What are you doing?” Robbe asked.

“Cleaning up.”

“That’s really ok, you don’t need to do that.” he insisted.

“We both know I’m going to do it anyway.”

He snickered, voice fond when he said, “Yeah… Yeah, I know.”

Hearing him sound like that made my heart flip a few times in my chest. I wasn’t even sure why… It was Robbe… Just Robbe, my best friend. I had heard him speak so many times before, I had no idea why it would be any different. Yet, everything seemed heightened after what we did in the hotel room, even if we vowed it to be a one – night thing. There were still lasting implications, though I could not decipher what any of them meant.

He went over to the sink, beginning to pour the remaining liquids from the bottles into the sink. We always worked well as a team, taking on our roles without a second thought, falling into a perfect rhythm.

“Are you alright, San?” Robbe asked softly when I didn’t say anything more, “You seem a little off.”

“Hmm? No, I’m fine, I think the beer has just gone straight to my head.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling. Are you sure that’s all it is, though?”

I nodded, trying to shake myself out of the daydream I had fallen into.

“Yep, I’m all good. I’m here with you, aren’t I?”

“Sap.” He chuckled, poking me lightly in the stomach.

Though the touch was light, it felt as strong as an electric shock, something that I could feel with every fibre of my being. I wouldn’t have been surprised if my hair was shot up like a hedgehog’s.

Pushing past it, I shoved him in the side, “That’s the thanks I get for being nice to you.”

“It’s a little bit hard to understand what your definition of ‘nice’ is.”

The sudden teasing was almost too much for me to take. It was a wonder I didn’t pass out right there on the spot. Sure, beautiful people had flirted with me before, but none quite like Robbe. There was something unique about the glint in his eyes, something that, try as I might, I couldn’t understand. Like a mystery, a puzzle, waiting to be solved but way above my intellectual level.

I was not even sure if I could class it as flirting. It may have just been friendly banter between two friends. That is all we were, after all. Two friends that had just happened to hook up in the past, nothing more.

When I had been silent for a second too long, Robbe laughed uncomfortably, starting to backtrack.

“Um, sorry… I just thought it was funny but it’s probably too soon to joke about.”

“No, no, it’s fine. It just took me a bit by surprise.”

“Yeah, well so did you…” Robbe said, winking at me quickly.

It was a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment, and I was almost certain that I had hallucinated the action, until I saw the sneaky grin appearing on his face.

“Jesus, IJzermans, are you trying to give me a heart attack today?”

“I don’t know…” He muttered softly, turning to face me, “Is it affecting you?”

More than you know.

“I don’t know…” I repeated back to him, praying that the words didn’t catch in my throat, “Do you want it to affect me?”

The two of us stood there staring at each other for what was probably only a few seconds. But time seemed to stretch out for so much longer than that. I would have guessed that it was more like hours looking into Robbe’s eyes.

Then he stepped forwards, lifting his arms to grasp the collar of my t-shirt, and pulled me down so that our faces were closer. The action caused the breath to catch in my throat, my heart beating at a thousand miles a minute.

“Maybe this can… Maybe this can be a two-night thing?”

Robbe had barely finished his sentence before I had connected our lips. How could I be expected to wait even another second?

And it was everything that I remembered it being.

It was lips colliding, slotting into place perfectly and sliding together with ease. It was hands grasping, clawing, at each other as we tried to hold everywhere at once. In the end, my hands ended up pressed against his back, making him stumble right into my chest. I could feel his entire body pressed up against me, making my heart hammer at the close proximity.

Robbe’s fingers were in my hair, pulling on the strands and making me groan into his mouth with the sensation of it. It was everything I had been craving (even without realising) but still never enough. Every touch, every movement, just made me want even more.

I ran my hands down to the back of his thighs, signalling to jump up – which he did without even a moment of hesitation, wrapping his legs around my waist. My heart ached a little at that, just knowing that he trusted me not to drop him, and I clung to him even tighter than before.

Robbe broke our kiss after a few moments, resting our foreheads together lightly.

“What are we doing?”

“We… We’re drunk.” I replied, breathing heavily, “This doesn’t have to mean anything – it doesn’t mean anything…”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

And then his lips were back on mine. I had to refrain from breathing a sigh of relief, the touch of him against me bringing more comfort than he would ever truly know and more than I could even realise in that moment.

One of Robbe’s hands rested lightly on my cheek and the other fisted itself into my t-shirt. The juxtaposition of it probably be laughable if I had not been so wrapped up in kissing him.

“Sander…” he mumbled against my lips, “Take me to my room.”

And who was I to ignore such a request?

Chapter Text

I was never drinking again. Clearly alcohol did something to me where I suddenly believed there were no longer any consequences to my actions. And when that action was something along the lines of, oh I don’t know… Sleeping with my best friend for the second time, it was definitely something I should stop and think about not doing ever again.

After the first time, I really thought we could just leave it in the past and that we would be fine as just friends. Clearly, that was incorrect, considering we were right back to where we had been the day after the wedding, laid side by side under the sheets, our clothes strewn all over the floor in our haste hours previously. I was just grateful that we had not left any of them out in the hallway, or that would have made some very difficult questions for me to answer with Milan.

I wouldn’t even know what to say. I didn’t even know myself what was happening between us. One second, we had been cleaning up the kitchen, joking around like we normally do. The next I had been in Sander’s arms, unabashedly kissing the life out of him like that was a completely normal thing for me to be doing.

And he had held me like nobody else had before. Like I mattered. I felt like my entire body lit up when he touched me, goosebumps appearing in a trail wherever his fingers ran. In the moment, it was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced. Like, for even just one tiny fragment of my life, things had slotted into place… It had all just felt so right.

Or course, it was all just down to the alcohol. Things had been awkward between the two of us when we had woken up, and they probably would have been that way the night before if we had not been drinking. Well, it wouldn’t have happened in the first place if we were stone cold sober.

Both Sander and I muddled our way through the fog of awkwardness that had filled the entire flat. Thankfully, Milan was not up, or he definitely would have questioned why we were acting so weird. Neither of us brought up the clear tension between us though, instead trying to act like everything was normal. I think we both made a joint decision to act like nothing had happened, but it was easier said than done.

Every laugh felt forced, every word carefully thought out, every movement slowed so that we didn’t accidentally touch each other.

It was never like that between us, it had never been so hard to be around him, and all I wanted was to press a reset button and make all of the weirdness between us disappear. Being around Sander was normally like a breath of fresh air. I would always be totally relaxed, and I knew that I could say anything that was on my mind, but suddenly everything had changed. It felt like we were two strangers walking around on eggshells, scared of disturbing the peace.

We had eaten breakfast together in relative silence, barely daring to look each other in the eye. I knew that all of my resolve would crumble if I looked directly at him. That I would admit to all the things building up inside me, that I was not even fully ready to declare to myself, in fear of what it all meant.

Eventually, Sander said that he was going to leave, that he had to get going and finish off some things for his job. I didn’t do much to stop him from leaving, just mumbling some goodbyes, and trying to smile while he gathered his things and went out the door.

I knew that it was probably a good idea for us to talk, that no good could come of us not having a serious discussion about what happened… But I did not think I could sit through it again. That I could look him in the eyes and vow to forget about everything, when it was very apparent that was not possible.

I really had no clue how people could casually sleep with their friends like it was nothing… How they could just continue on with their lives, being friends during the day and lovers during the night. It was just completely baffling. Me and Sander did not have feelings for each other, sure, but I still could not grasp the concept of not thinking of him all the time, of not thinking about what we had done.

When Milan eventually woke up, I was still sat at the kitchen table, sinking into a pit of dread.

“What’s up with you?” he asked, sounding concerned, but there was still a hint of laughter in his tone.

“Nothing.”

“Well, clearly it’s something. You are normally squirreling away at your computer editing your little movies, right? So, what’s wrong?”

I worked as a film editor, but more recently did more jobs for small businesses that needed smarter looking adverts for their companies. I actually rather enjoyed it, as it was less stressful than bigger jobs and paid much better than some people may think.

“I already finished all the jobs I signed up for recently. And, I already said there was nothing wrong.”

Milan tutted, dragging out a chair and sitting opposite me, resting his chin on his hand.

“With all due respect, I can tell you are lying… So, why not just save us both some time and tell me what’s bothering you? I might be able to help.”

I loved my roommate to pieces, I really did. But sometimes his constant meddling really got on my nerves. I understood that he was just trying to help because he noticed my change in mood. Funnily enough though, him sticking his beak in did not really do a lot to solve all of the things whirring about in my head.

“Look, I appreciate you trying to support me… But there is seriously nothing you can do, so please just leave it.”

“Ah, see I knew there was something!” he cried triumphantly, “But I don’t believe there is absolutely nothing I can do. Sometimes just sharing the problem with someone can take a load off your shoulders.”

“You really get on my nerves sometimes, Milan.” I muttered.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard this all before. Just talk to me, Robbe! Whatever it is, I’m sure it can’t be as bad as you’re thinking.”

I groaned in exasperation, glaring at him frustratedly.

“Fine! I just… I can’t get into it all ok?”

I took a breath, trying to find the right words to use without giving everything away and going back on literally everything Sander and I had discussed before. The only thing we had not broken was that we shouldn’t tell other people, so I was going to stick to that.

“So… There is this guy-”

“Oh my god! You’re seeing someone? You’re finally moving on from that god awful ex of yours? Robbe I’m so proud-”

“Milan! Shut up! You ask me to speak and then cut me off, this is why I never tell you things.”

“You’re right, sorry, sorry. Do continue…”

“Ok… So, there is a guy that I have, um, that I’ve kind of hooked up with a couple of times. But I have no idea what to do about it. It’s all just so confusing and I feel like my mind had just been completely exploded by all of it.”

Milan nodded along, “This guy – do I know him?”

“No.” I replied, probably too quickly. Luckily for me, Milan didn’t dwell too much on it.

“Alright.” He shrugged, “Well, do you like him? Or is it purely just physical?”

That was the dilemma. That was the thing that was plaguing me.

Sander was my best friend, of course I liked him. He was one of the most important people to me, the person that I would go to with any problem and just know that there would be no judgment, only endless love, and support. He was the one that I always knew would be there for me forever… I just knew that our bond was infinite. So, obviously I liked him. I loved him. But I had no way of knowing how I was supposed to distinguish that platonic love from the possibility of it being romantic.

We had been friends for years. What if it had just been culminating inside of me and I just hadn’t noticed? How could I have even known? How was I supposed to know when I never had that sudden feeling of realisation? It would have been easier if one day I had fallen madly in love with him, then at least I would know what it felt like. But if I had slowly got those feelings, that made it so much harder to spot them and that was the most frustrating part of it all.

When we slept together, it didn’t feel as weird as it probably should have done for two friends. It just felt completely natural, like that is what we had been doing for the entire time we had known each other. Did that mean it was romantic? Or was it just because we had built such a strong foundation platonically that we were just that comfortable doing that with each other without those feelings having to be there?

“Robbe?”

“Huh?”

“Did you hear what I said?”

“Um, yeah… I did.”

“So? Is it just physical?”

I shook my head, “No… It’s not.”

Even if it turned out there was no actual feelings there… It was Sander. It could never just be physical with him; he was way too special to be demeaned to just that.

“Is that the problem then?” Milan questioned, “That you like him?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged, “Things are just way too confusing between us.”

“So, maybe you two need to talk about it. Find out exactly what you are to each other.”

“But we, um… We said that we wouldn’t talk about it. We agreed to just forget that it ever happened.”

Milan looked at me with an expression so soft, I didn’t remember him ever looking at me quite so sympathetically before.

“I really don’t think that’s working, Robbe. It might be for him, but it certainly isn’t for you. You seem confused, so maybe you don’t know exactly what you want… But it might help for the two of you to seriously have a talk instead of just brushing it off like it doesn’t matter, because it clearly does. If it didn’t, you wouldn’t be sat here right now feeling sorry for yourself.”

“I’m not feeling sorry for myself…”

He scoffed, “Your face begs to differ. Look, you don’t have to talk to him, it’s just a suggestion. I just think that maybe if you get yourself some clarity, it might make things better for both of you in the long run, ok?”

“Ok,” I nodded, “thanks, Milan.”

“No problem, you know I’m always here for you… Especially if you want to tell me who it is…”

I pointed a finger at him, “Don’t push it.”

“Alright, alright!”

Chapter Text

“So, who is this guy?” Noor asked.

“He’s my friend… Well, more of Robbe’s friend, really. But I always hang around with them.”

Moyo had been nagging me to talk him up to Noor. He had developed the biggest crush on her and wouldn’t let it go without at least trying to shoot his shot. Apparently, he had to lay the groundwork though before he tried to start up a conversation. I had tried to tell him he should just approach her, that she was really chill, but he was having none of it.

I actually found that it was a blessing in disguise. Noor and I had to spend hours together due to our job. We were photographers for events, so we would be around each other for long periods of time, whether that be the actual shoots or sat side by side during the editing stages.

We would always converse to try and make the time go by quicker because, while we loved our job, it could get a little boring when the time started to drag on. So, having the topic of Moyo was very convenient in order to keep her off the scent of why I had been acting so weird. I had tried to mask it, but it was one of the first things she had tried to question me on.

The truth was that I had just come from Robbe’s place. More specifically, I had just left his place after sleeping with him.

Of course, I had ran home to change my clothes first. Thankfully Younes had not been awake, or I would have been asked a bunch of questions by him too.

The last thing I needed was to be wearing something that reeked of beer, sweat and probably the humiliating desperation I must have been eluding. Why else would Robbe have slept with me? It was probably my own fault for sending out a bunch of stupid signals and backing him into a corner. And that was most likely why he could barely look me in the eyes afterward. He was ashamed and embarrassed but couldn’t bring himself to tell me that.

Not that I would have been offended. We had agreed that we wouldn’t do it again. I don’t even know how it had happened, but I would not have blamed Robbe for regretting it. It was a stupid decision while we were drunk out of our minds again.

I was certainly not going to tell any of that to Noor.

Maybe it would have been easier if we were out doing an event. Then we would have had less time to chat and more time for me to skirt her questions. Unfortunately, for me, we were sat in the office, clicking away at the endless photos we had taken to edit them down into something presentable. Which meant we were free to talk however much we liked.

My amount and her amount were probably different in that moment.

“How does he even know me?” she asked.

“Um, I think he said something about you being there during one of his dance shows? He said that he saw Yasmina and Younes talking to you after, but she refused to give out your number or anything, said that he had to do it himself, wouldn’t let Younes give it to him either.”

Noor made a sound of realisation, “Ah, ok, that makes a bit more sense. You clearly didn’t have the same reservations in helping him then?”

“I didn’t give out your number, did I?”

“No… But you’re trying to talk him up to me. Don’t think I don’t see your game, Driesen.”

“Ok, ok.” I said, laughing a little, “But this was all because Robbe asked me to! I wouldn’t have done it, but he was very adamant that he didn’t want Moyo whining anymore.”

While we were at the bar the previous night, Moyo had asked me to talk to Noor for him, but I had said no almost immediately. I had no interest in nosing into other people’s love lives. But, when Robbe had asked, his voice so sweet and soft, I agreed almost instantly. It was like he had some sort of inhumane power over me.

“Ooh, this was Robbe’s idea?”

Noor’s voice was teasing, and her eyebrows were raised when she looked at me.

“Yeah… Why are you saying it like that?”

“Because you do literally anything that boy asks. You are like a little puppy, running around after him with those big eyes and goofy expression.”

I scoffed, “No, I’m not.”

“You really are. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad thing! It’s adorable actually. He does exactly the same thing. You two are literally the definition of puppy love.”

“What?! I don’t… Robbe… We aren’t… We aren’t in love, Noor.”

Robbe was my best friend. Did I love him? Absolutely. I always had loving feelings for him. He was always the person at the forefront of my mind, the one that I always went to when I needed to talk to someone, when I had news to share. He was the person that I worried about constantly, always slightly concerned about his wellbeing when he used to goof around all the time with his friends. So, yeah… I loved him, but that doesn’t mean that I was in love with him.

“I didn’t say you were.” She replied, her expression smug, “You love each other though, no?”

“I, um… Look, stop trying to change the subject, we were talking about Moyo.”

“I’m not changing the subject; you were the one who brought up Robbe.”

I fell silent, staring at the picture that filled the screen. It was of two girls smiling madly at each other as they danced in a hall.

Their smile has nothing on Robbe’s, I noted.

“Sander…” Noor said hesitantly, “Is there something you want to talk about?”

I continued to look away from her, “Other than Moyo, not really.”

“Why are you so goddamn stubborn?” she groaned, “I can tell you are thinking about something and that it’s bothering you. Why can’t you just accept help when it is being given to you?”

“Noor, I really don’t need any help, alright? I’m doing perfectly fine.”

That was far from the truth. We both knew it. But I did not want to back down.

I just didn’t know what to do. Robbe and I had agreed not to talk about it. Not to each other and certainly not to anyone else, it would just make things even more complicated than they already were. But I couldn’t think of anything else than his smile pressed against mine and the feeling of his cold feet resting against my own while our legs tangled together. All I could think about was the feeling of his hair twisted around my fingers, his eyes boring into mine, deep coffee and caramel taking over my entire soul.

Everything was just so confusing.

Robbe was my friend. I shouldn’t have hooked up with him… But I definitely shouldn’t be having thoughts like that. I shouldn’t still be thinking about him in that way. It was probably very creepy and if he knew, Robbe would probably think I was a complete weirdo.

I just didn’t know what to do. I had never been like that with anyone else I had slept with. Any one night stands I had in the past had remained that way, for one night. Both physically and in my mind. Maybe it was because I never saw them again, so it made them hard to forget, but I saw Robbe all the time. I couldn’t just stop seeing him and hope the thoughts would stop after a while… Could I?

“If you say so…” Noor said, her tone completely disbelieving, “I’m here for you if you want to talk about it, though…”

I merely nodded at her words, too wrapped up in my own head to think of a reply.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and when I saw who it was, the mixed emotions inside me were whirring around so much that I thought I was about to vomit all over the monitor in front of us.

Robbe: Hey… Do you think we could talk?

I was happy to have heard from him since last time we went a while without speaking to each other. But my stomach churned at the thought of seeing him, as horrible as that may have sounded. It was just that the thought of him in my head was almost way too much for me to handle, the constant reminders of what we had done making me feel almost perverted. I could not even imagine what it would be like to see him in the flesh again so soon, it would probably be a thousand times worse.

And what if he somehow noticed what I was thinking about him? I would never be able to properly look at him again. Not that he would likely want me to.

So, I put my phone back in my pocket without replying.

“Noor…?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s the best way to forget about someone?”

“Oh.” She said, sounding faintly surprised, “I guess it depends on who it is.”

I shook my head, “I’m not… I’m not saying who, just… How would you suggest I forget about someone?”

She let out a sigh, going quiet for a moment while she thought about it.

“Ok… Maybe distance? Sometimes it’s easier not to think about someone when they aren’t right there in front of you. But San, that’s not always the solution for everyone it-”

“We really don’t need to get into a deep discussion, Noor.” I said, cutting her off, “Thanks for the advice.”

“Um, yeah, you’re welcome. Let’s get back to this then, shall we?”

We both went back to the computer, trying to focus on the edits and push down the thoughts of brown hair and a twinkling laugh that threatened to make my heart burst.

Distance… Yeah. Maybe that was what it needed to be.

Chapter Text

Me: Hey… Do you think we could talk?

The text had gone unanswered. It had been almost an entire week and there was still silence from the person who was supposed to be my best friend.

I had plucked up the courage to ask him to talk. I had taken Milan’s advice so that we could maybe try and get through whatever weirdness had formed between the two of us, and all I got in return was the cold shoulder.

Why did I have to go and be so goddamn stupid in the first place? Why did I have to go to that wedding and be all sad and miserable about my love life? All I had to do was smile and be happy for Jens and Jana and not make things about myself and I failed almost instantly. If I hadn’t been so caught up in my own head, Sander would never have felt the need to kiss me out of pity. I never would have thrown myself at him like the idiot that I am. We never would have slept together in the first place and our friendship wouldn’t have been at all damaged.

I was such an idiot. I could never have any good things; I always just had to go and stamp on them.

Sander had always been my constant. He was always there, and I had taken it for granted for too long because when he finally disappeared (which was entirely my fault) all I wanted was his shoulder to cry on, but I couldn’t.

Instead, I threw myself into my work. I signed up for any jobs that were going, working myself to the bone to try and blot out my stupid emotions. If I was editing, then I was not thinking of Sander.

Well, that was not entirely true.

We were both editors. Him in pictures, me in films, but we would always confer and try and give each other tips if we were stuck. I found myself frequently picking up my phone to ask for his advice, only to be reminded once again of why I was so upset in the first place. It was a vicious cycle of emotions and all I wanted was for it to stop, but I couldn’t force myself out of the rut I had created.

In the end, it was Milan who got me out of it.

“We’re going out.” He announced, storming into my room.

“Nope, I’m working.” I mumbled, barely sparing him a glance.

“Save it.” He almost snapped, reaching over to my desk, and grabbing my laptop so fast that I was powerless to stop him.

He clicked a few times before shutting the screen with a thud, making me wince a little with the force of it.

“That was days’ worth of material, it better not have been deleted.”

“Relax, I’m not that stupid. I want to get you out for a few hours, not make more work for you to do.”

“And why do I have to go out?”

He clicked his tongue and gave me a look.

“You know exactly why. You have been holed up in here for way too long being pathetic. So, we are going out and making you forget about your troubles for a while. It’s the magic of alcohol, baby.”

I was pretty sure that alcohol was the root of all my troubles, and I did not hesitate to tell him that either. Though judging by the rolling of his eyes, he did not seem to agree very much.

“Robbe, come on, stop trying to make excuses!” he cried, getting up and moving to my wardrobe, starting to rifle through all of my clothes. “I’ve already told Zoë and Senne we are going to town, and they are meeting us there. It’s all arranged, you can’t back out now.”

“I was never in!”

“Tough luck.” Was all he replied.

I groaned in exasperation, tossing myself down on my bed and laying like a starfish on my back. I had kind of hoped my complete lack of enthusiasm and energy would have deterred Milan from forcing me out, but sadly not. If it was possible, it seemed to make him even more determined to make me leave the safety and solace of my room.

He tossed some clothes on top of me, ordering me to wear them with a tone like some kind of drill sergeant.

“Milan, I’m really not feeling it. Please, just leave me here.”

“Sorry, can’t hear you.” He said, as he walked out, covering his ears with his hands.

“Yeah, that’s real mature of you.” I shouted, throwing a pillow at the door he had shut behind him.

It barely made a sound at the impact, which made me even more frustrated. I seriously could do nothing right. Even my temper tantrums failed.

After laying on my bed in protest for a while, I huffed out a sigh and angrily changed my clothes. They weren’t anything spectacular, especially not by Milan’s standards, but anything would have been great in comparison to the threadbare pyjamas I had been lounging around in for the past few days, too lazy to change out of.

Once I had done that, I stomped into the kitchen where Milan was waiting for me, already with my jacket in his hand.

“You ready now?” he asked, thrusting it towards me.

“I guess.”

“Robbe, don’t be like that.” Milan sighed, “This is going to be fun! I know it’s easier said than done, but just try and forget about what’s bothering you for one night and you might actually enjoy yourself.”

I rolled my eyes so hard that it almost hurt.

“Ugh fine, I’ll try, but if I don’t enjoy myself, it is entirely your fault.”

“I’ll take my chances with that because I know you’re going to have a good time! You’re with me, how could you not?”

“Maybe you should check the fridge for some humble pie before we go…”

He snickered, “Alright, less of the sass. Let’s go!”

***

Ok… So, despite my reservations about going out and about drinking in the first place. It turns out that once I was given a single drop of alcohol, I forgot about all of that.

Once we had met up with Zoë and Senne and gone into the bar, we immediately got the rounds in, taking shot after shot and mixing basically any drink that they had to offer. Maybe that was not a smart decision, but I hadn’t had a decent track record of those anyway, and it was doubtful that the others were sober enough to stop me either. They were just grateful that I was having a good time. Or that I seemed to be.

I wasn’t really. I knew that the drinks were only a temporary solution, that I would need to properly sort my head out, but I wasn’t really in the mood to be thinking about that. I wasn’t in the mood to be thinking about anything apart from the hellish liquid fire that was burning the inside of my throat.

I especially was keen to forget about a certain blonde-haired idiot who had dodged my texts. Something that I told him in numerous messages once I had gotten to that point where my inhibitions were almost completely gone.

Me: Why diyou ignre me

Why fo you never answr

Come and meet me if yu arent a cowarfd

Pretty soon after that, Zoë had spotted me texting and plucked the phone out of my hands. Even when she was drunk, she could see that texting was a bad idea. Maybe I should have felt the same, but I fought hard for it back (a fight that I lost).

“Robbe, you’ll thank me for this tomorrow.”

“Will I?” I slurred, “Or should I just thank you now because you’re giving it back to me?”

“Nope, not gonna happen.”

I accepted the defeat and slumped back over the bar. That was where I stayed for pretty much the entire rest of the night. When the rest of them wanted to go and dance where a slight crowd had gathered, they tried to get me to join in, but I refused. I was more than happy nursing my beer, doing more and more damage to my liver by the second. It was probably crying out for help but, like the thoughts in my head, I drowned it out.

There was no use in thinking about anything else going on in my life apart from in that moment. There was no point in thinking about Sander and how he had made my heart break when he blatantly disregarded my request to talk. How it felt like he just did not care about me anymore, as a friend or otherwise, purely because of how stupid I was for repeatedly throwing myself at him. Really, it was probably all my fault for not sensing that he did not want to hook up with me. I brought all of those problems on myself when I didn’t respect his boundaries… But I was not thinking about any of that. All I was thinking about was the beer in front of me. That was it. Definitely nothing else.

“You doing alright, Robbe?”

Senne.

He came and sat next to me at the bar, leaning on the counter as his head lolled a little. It seemed that he’d had just as much to drink as I had, which Zoë would no doubt witness the results of the next day when he was like a zombie groaning on for coffee.

I shrugged, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, you just seem a little… Off.”

“Off?”

“Mmm… Has something happened? Milan wouldn’t tell us much about the impromptu hang out, but I assume it’s related to you. Am I wrong?”

I jut shrugged again, “I didn’t ask him to arrange it.”

Senne chuckled at that, “Never thought you did. We all know how Milan gets.”

That was all too true. We loved him for it though. All he was trying to do was make things better in his own way, that’s all he ever did. It was appreciated, don’t get me wrong… Just sometimes it didn’t really feel like the best thing. Not every situation called for a party.

“Yeah.”

“So… Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

Literally the only person I wanted to talk about thing with was Sander. He was the one I had tried to speak to, yet he was the only one that was pushing me away, blocking me out. I probably had only myself to blame considering how I’d been acting towards him, making him feel like the only way out was to ignore me… But it still hurt, nonetheless.

“That’s ok.” Senne assured me, clapping me on the shoulder. “We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. You want another drink?”

That was one of the things I loved most about Senne. He never pushed. He made it clear that he was there if you ever needed anything, a quiet presence in the background, but he never went past any boundaries that were clearly set. He truly was a great person to have around. I hadn’t even realised how badly I’d missed hanging out with him. We had all been caught up at work, so things had been difficult, but it was nice to be around him again.

“Yeah, ok.” I affirmed, forcing myself to smile a little. “Thanks.”

We got two beers, drinking them in relative silence. It was nice. It was comfortable. Just two friends, enjoying each other’s company. And I was actually starting to feel a little more relaxed for the first time that night.

That all changed when a hand landed on my shoulder, a familiar touch that I had not felt in a while. I almost thought I was hallucinating at first, but when I turned around and saw his face, I knew it was real.

“Phil?”

“Hey, Robbe.”

Senne’s head snapped towards the blonde boy.

“What the hell you do want?”

He knew all too well the turbulent relationship I had been through with him. It was no surprise that he wasn’t at all thrilled to see my ex standing there in front of us, the same cocky smirk patterned over his face.

“I believe I was talking to Robbe, not you.”

My friend made an affronted noise, making a move to get up. I had no idea what he was about to do, but whatever it was couldn’t have been good, so I laid a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

“Senne, it’s ok. I’ve got this.” I told him.

He looked back at me with concern.

“Are you sure?”

I wasn’t really, but there was no telling what Senne would do if he stuck around. When he got angry, he had an unimaginable temper. I didn’t particularly want him to get into any serious trouble. Especially not over Phil.

“I’m sure… Just, go dance with Zoë, she’s probably missing you.”

He wavered for a moment, probably trying to work out if that was the best idea. But in the end, he listened to what I said.

“Ok… But I’ll be right over there if you need me, alright?”

I nodded as he walked off, though not before sending an icy glare Phil’s way. Not that it seemed to do anything, the blonde boy was immune to Senne’s distaste after encountering it so many times.

“Finally, the babysitter is gone.” He sneered, trying to get me to laugh. Though, I didn’t find it funny one bit.

“What are you doing here?”

He smirked, “You texted me to come here… Do you not remember?”

I was about to instantly deny that ever happening, but when I took a moment to think about it, I realised that he was probably right. In my drunken state, it became much more difficult for me to use my phone as well as I normally did, and it was likely that I clicked the contact right underneath the one I meant to. After all, ‘Satan’ and ‘Sander’ were right next to each other on my phone.

It was what I had changed it to when we had broken up. I had been really mad and sick of the sight of his name everywhere, and at the time it had seemed fitting.

“Oh… Sorry, it wasn’t meant for you.”

“You sure about that?” he said, one eyebrow raised in that cynical way he always did, “Because I think you got drunk and lonely, and finally plucked up the courage to summon the person you have been missing for so long.”

“Is that so?”

“Mhmm. I know you’ve missed me IJzermans.”

Had I? Maybe right at the beginning when the wounds of our broken relationships were still open directly in front of my eyes, but more recently he had drifted further and further from my mind. I had barely been thinking about him anymore, he was just a mere spot of time in my history that I looked upon sometimes with mixed emotions.

Mostly fond, sure, because when things were good between us, I felt like I was on top of the world. But it was often clouded by the depth of his utter narcissism and complete lack of actual human emotion. Whenever things got just a little bit too real for him, he backed off. It was so frustrating I was almost constantly pulling my hair out. To be perfectly candid, it was a bit of a relief when we broke up. Sure, when it first happened, I was cut up, but upon reflection, it was probably a good thing.

It was Sander that helped me fully see how toxic he had been. How he hadn’t deserved me in the slightest. He had helped me understand that I deserved someone that would love me back wholeheartedly, the one that reassured me I would find someone like that, that I did not need to go running back to him and beg him to get back with me.

As much as I appreciated his advice… It still had not happened. There was still nobody in my life that was giving me that love that I craved, the affection that body and soul cried out for.

“And… I’ve missed you too.” He added, blue eyes twinkling.

My mouth dropped open a little. I did not think I had ever heard him say that to me before. The words almost seemed like a foreign language slipping out of his mouth.

“You, um, you have?”

Phil nodded, “I have. I have actually been thinking of messaging you before, but I was worried that you would just ignore me. Not that I would blame you. So, I was glad when I got your messages.”

“You were?”

I was aware that I was merely echoing him, but I was just trying to grasp what he was trying to say. It felt almost like my head was under water and all the words were getting distorted and I was worried about completely misinterpreting him.

“I was.” he laughed, “Things haven’t been the same without you. It’s probably the same for you, right? You were always saying you would never be able to live without me.”

I scoffed a little, “And you would always say that was way too heavy and tell me to shut up.”

“Oh, so you do remember that… Look, I’m sorry for the things I said, I was just… I’m sorry, ok?”

There was nothing I could say in return, so I continued to sit there staring up at him in silence.

He slowly reached down and grabbed a hold of my hands, squeezing them tight as he spoke.

“Do you want to go dance?”

“Why would I want to do that?”

Phil smiled slightly, leaning closer to me, “Come on, Robbe… Don’t you remember how much we used to love dancing?”

I remembered that I used to love dancing… He would rather just roll his eyes and only participate on rare occasions. The only times we had fun dancing was right at the beginning of our relationship when everything was new and exciting, when neither of us were thinking of commitment so Phil hadn’t even begun to draw away. Not that that period lasted for very long.

“Please?” He whined, “You’ll have fun, I promise.”

Milan had also promised me that before I had left the flat… I did not think people were really living up to their words.

Even so, I was in no state to argue, so I allowed him to drag me over to where the music was being played slightly louder. There were people swaying to the music, my friends included, but they were much to wrapped up in their own conversations to spare me a glance. Or I knew they would probably have a thing or two to say, especially to Phil.

He put his hands on my waist, pulling slightly so that I stumbled closer to him, wobbling on my feet while my head was still slightly spinning from all the drinks.

I had to admit, it was fun. It was nice to be stood there with someone, dancing close, enjoying the music. It had not been at all what I had expected from the night… But it wasn’t exactly a bad place to be in. Sure, Philip had hurt me in the past, but he was holding me so gently, looking at me with such wide and innocent eyes… Maybe it wasn’t so bad to be around him.

“You look really nice tonight, Robbe.” He told me, the corners of his lips twitching into a smile.

“Yeah? Thanks…”

“Yeah… You always looked nice. Every time I would look at you it would take my breath away.”

“Then why would you leave?” I asked, bitterness in every word.

He shook his head, “Let’s not talk about that right now. Let’s just dance.”

So, we did. We swayed to the music, and he just held me as we rocked. My hands merely hung slightly uselessly by my sides as I was unsure what to do with them. Everywhere I thought of resting them on his body just felt odd for some reason, it felt too forced.

“Why are you so tense, IJzermans?” he asked, eventually.

I shrugged a little, “I thought we weren’t talking.”

He shot me a quick look, “Still the same, aren’t you? So stubborn. I’m just checking to see if you’re ok… Is that a crime?”

“Maybe I’m just wary of you. Would you blame me for that? The last time I saw you, you broke my heart. Am I supposed to just instantly forgive you?”

“No and I never expected you to, either.” Phil sighed, “Look… I wasn’t lying before; I have missed you so much. It’s like, as soon as you left, I realised just what a special person I had in my life. It was like a fire had been blown out and I was left in the dark. I know that I messed you around and made you feel awful when we were together… But I truly regret that, Robbe. I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me.”

I was way too drunk to be having such serious conversations. My drunk mind was not the one that I should have been using in any important situation. I was slightly tempted to shout Milan over, get him to step in, but that probably would have been the smart thing to do. Instead, I continued to go down the rabbit hole, to sink further into the black hole of the past and lose myself in the hope of what I once dreamt could have been.

“Do you really feel that way? These are all words I’ve heard from you before…”

“I mean it. Robbe… You are literally the hottest person I have ever dated, the most gorgeous human being I have ever laid my eyes on. How could I not mean it when I say I regret letting you go?”

No sooner had he finished talking, I was being dragged towards him unceremoniously, his hands wound around my waist. Within seconds, I could feel his lips on mine, soft and sure. And, what with me being my idiotic self, I kissed back, still clinging to the hopes that I could drown in the feeling of the love I once had. That I could somehow go back in time and feel the way I once did.

The kiss was familiar. But that was all. There were no fireworks, no big revelations, nothing that made my heart race. I knew how he kissed, and we fell back into the rhythms that we once found ourselves in, but that was the extent of it. It all just felt kind of… Wrong.

When I felt his tongue running over my bottom lip, when I felt his hands sneak underneath my shirt, when I felt his nose bumping against mine, all I could think about was one blonde haired boy… And it certainly was not the boy that was kissing me.

I couldn’t have felt worse about it.

Sander was the one person I did not want to be thinking about. That was why I was even in the bar, trying to put my mind on other things. But even when I was trying to get lost in another guy, he was the only one that sprung into my mind. His adorable smile and gentle hands holding onto mine sticking to my brain.

All I could think about was how right it felt compared to this. How when we kissed, I felt a million emotions flooding through me. When he held me, I felt safer in his arms than anywhere else in the world. When we were together, I was happier than ever before.

Abruptly, I pulled away, placing my hands on his chest to make him back off.

“No.” I said, resolutely, “I can’t do this.”

“Are you being serious right now, Robbe?” He cried, disbelievingly, “I came down her because you asked me to. I came because you were so desperate that you came crawling over to me, like I knew you would because you always do! It was pathetic really, but I was willing to look past it because you really were always good for one thing… But if I’m not even going to get that, what’s the point?”

I scoffed, “I knew all of that was just a pack of lies. You aren’t capable of feeling any normal human emotion for anyone else, are you? You’re a robot.”

“Better than being a tease.”

The blonde boy was suddenly stumbling backwards. Not much, but enough that he was too far away to touch me again.

At first, I was unsure what had happened, but when I heard the sound of my friends’ voices, I felt the relief thrumming through my body. Though I was a little worried when I saw Senne sizing up my ex, his eyes narrowed menacingly.

“Ok, what is going on?” I heard Milan say, his voice full of disgust. “Why the hell are you even here?”

I grabbed onto his arm, knowing that Zoë was handling Senne.

“It doesn’t matter, let’s just go.” I said, my voice bordering on pleading. All I wanted to do was get my friends out of there before something bad happened.

We began walking to the exit and I thought that would be the end of it when I heard him call after us.

“Yeah, I’ll look forward to talking to you the next time you’re drunk and lonely.”

I ignored him as best as I could, but Senne refused to do that. He started yelling profanities back, making sure he hurled every insult under the sun. He probably would have gone so far as to go back over, if it had not been for his girlfriend frog marching him out of the bar. She was deceivingly slight, but she could be tough when she wanted to be.

“We’re above that.” Zoë hissed to the three of us. “There is no need to start a fight, just go.”

I think Senne disagreed, but he didn’t argue with her, just letting himself be pushed out onto the street.

“Are you alright, Robbe?” Zoë asked, gently.

Milan pulled a face, “How is he even here?”

“Apparently I drunk texted him… The messages weren’t even meant for him though which is just great. But I really don’t wanna talk about it, ok? I’m fine, let’s just go home.”

I turned on my heel and began walking in the direction of our flat. But I didn’t get far enough to be out of ear shot as I heard the three of them whispering behind me.

“Shouldn’t we try and get him to open up?” Zoë murmured, “He looks like he’s hurting.”

Milan gave a resigned sigh, “Don’t bother… He’s completely closed off recently. It’s like fighting a losing battle.”

“He’ll talk when he’s ready, there’s no need to push him.” Senne said, “I’m sure things will work themselves out soon.”

I had to hope he was right, because there was no way I could go on feeling that amount of pain inside of me for much longer.

Chapter Text

Distance. It was supposed to help. It was supposed to aid me in my quest to forget all of those thoughts that filled my mind. Thoughts that I should not have been having for my best friend. But all it really did was make my heart feel like it was splitting in two, the pain constant and completely debilitating.

I could barely eat or sleep, the only thing that helped me finally lull of in the end being the thoughts of Robbe’s soft voice, which was counterproductive for what I wanted to achieve. Falling asleep to the sound of his voice was not something I should have been allowing myself the luxury of doing, yet I could not think of anything that made me so relaxed.

Younes had been eyeing me with curiosity for days, not saying a word on the matter but sending out clear silent signals that he was there if I wanted to talk. I did not take him up on the offer, instead allowing myself to sink further into loneliness and despair.

In the end, it was his girlfriend, Yasmina, that attempted to break the tension that had filled our flat.

“What’s up with you?” she asked, sitting down on the sofa next to me and turning off the tv to grasp my full attention. “Younes says you’ve been struggling…”

“Yasmina, I really didn’t sign up for one of your therapy sessions ok? I don’t have the time or the money.”

That was quite literally her job. She was a therapist, and a good one too. Favoured and highly spoken of throughout the wider community. The only things I had ever heard about her were good.

As much as I was appreciative from afar for what she does for people, that did not mean I wanted to be therapized. Sure, I may have had the time since I had finished up work for the week, but that did not mean I was ok with paying for her unwanted services.

“That’s not why I’m here. I’m not trying to be a therapist with you, Sander, I’m just trying to be your friend. We’ve known each other for years… I just thought you might like to talk to someone?”

I shrugged, “What would I even need to talk about? I am absolutely fine, thank you Younes.”

I emphasised the last word, knowing he was lurking behind me in the doorway, even without turning around to look. Just as I suspected, he groaned and shuffled sheepishly into the room, flopping down on the other available chair.

“San, I don’t think you are. You’ve been acting off for a while. I just thought I’d let you know that you have a support system here and that this is a safe space for you to express any emotions you want to offload.”

“Support system… Safe space… You are literally turning into a therapist. I. Do. Not. Need. Therapy. Ok?”

Younes lifted his hands into a surrender, looking a little disheartened.

“Ok look, maybe this was the wrong approach and I apologise for that. But we really do just want to be here for you.”

Yasmina reached out and rubbed my arms gently for a moment before pulling away. The touch was comforting, I had to admit, and I was a little sad when it was gone.

“Sorry if we were overbearing. That really was not our intention at all.”  

I huffed, “No, I’m sorry… I’m just a little stressed out but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

They both nodded, remaining quite quiet, probably so that they wouldn’t have been accused of trying to pressure me into talking further. Quite honestly, I did not know which side of them I preferred. The dead silence was almost a little unsettling.

“So… I made a decision recently that I think may have been wrong.” I said, a little hesitantly, staring at the floor the entire time, watching as my feet tapped on the carpet with nerves. “At the time I thought that it was going to benefit me in a good way, but now I am thinking that I was just an idiot.”

Ignoring Robbe made me feel more pain than anything I had ever experienced before. It was like I had been slowly cut off from oxygen, like I was slowly sinking under water, and the edges of my vision were turning dark. It was like life had no meaning if he was not there with me and I could feel my grasp on reality slipping when he was not there to fully ground me. Everything just felt so off kilter when he was not by my side.

Distance was a funny thing… Noor had said it depended on the person and, at the time, I had been willing to ignore that because I wanted to try and believe that it would work, that I would truly be able to forget about the shameful things whirring about in my brain. But as the saying goes ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’, I think that was more fitting to the situation. The more time we were apart, the more I spent thinking about him, longing for him, aching to be with him.

I wanted to talk to him, share bits of my day, laugh about work. I wanted to look at how his eyes sparkled when he talked about something he enjoyed, hear how his laugh twinkled when he found something really funny. I wanted to see his cheeks turn pink from happiness when I paid him compliments like they always did.

I found myself constantly questioning why on earth I put myself through all of that pain when all I wanted was to be by his side.

He was my best friend. Nothing should ever have gotten between us. I couldn’t think of what was more stupid, me going back on our promise not to sleep with each other, or me being the one idiotic enough to let it affect us.

“Do you mind me asking what it was?” Yasmina asked, lightly.

“I’d rather not say… It’s just… I think that I’ve hurt someone really important to me and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“Ok.” She nodded, “Have you tried talking to this person about it?”

I shook my head and I heard Younes give a little bit of a chuckle.

“Talking has never been Sander’s strong suit.” He laughed.

“Oh, shut up.”

He looked at me with his eyebrows raised, “Isn’t it true? I told you to talk with Robbe after… Well, I told you to talk with him, and did you?”

I smirked a little, “Actually, I did, oh wise one, master of the universe.”

“Ok… And did it help?”

The smile immediately dropped from my face and I internally cursed. Why did he always have to be right? It was so infuriating I could almost burst.

“It did.” I mumbled.

He gave himself a little round of applause, pretending to bow to a fake audience.

“I rest my case, then. Yasmina is right, whatever your issue is, just talk about it and it’ll probably help.”

“But… But what if this person doesn’t want to talk to me? I’m scared that I’ve done some irreparable damage to our friendship.”

“I’m sure it will all work itself out for the best.” Yasmina said to me, while Younes looked on with a comforting gaze.

“She’s right, again, San. I’m sure this person loves you and will just be glad to work this whole thing out, ok? Whatever it is.”

I had not said anything about it being Robbe, and I was not planning on it either. I had already betrayed my friend recently and no doubt hurt him with my silence, the least I could do was stick to what we had agreed and not outright tell anyone about what we had done. Even so, the way he was speaking made it sound like he knew. I hated his crazy way of reading me.

In the end, I just nodded.

“Ok, now that I’ve shared, can we put the tv back on?”

Yasmina chortled a little, “Sure, Sander. It’s your house, you can put the tv back on.”

And that was the end of it.

Well, the end of it for them. They dropped the subject, but I could not stop thinking about what they had said.

For the next couple of days, I deliberated on what to do, whether I should heed their advice or stick with what I had been doing. Either one of those options put the fear of God in me, if I was being completely honest. Because, if I was to continue the way things were, then I would continue to be heartbroken and sad because my best friend was not around. But if I plucked up the courage to actually go and talk to Robbe and it turned out that he was too hurt by what I had done and did not want to see me… I did not think I would be able to recover from that.

The whole situation was like Schrodinger’s cat. The thing where there was a cat in the box and if you never opened it, it would never die… Well, if I never went and spoke to Robbe, then he would never get the chance to turn me away.

But was it worth not going over if we were always going to remain in such a weird middle ground of never speaking to each other again? Never being able to hear his voice… No, it just was not an option. I didn’t think it was fair to even attempt to put either of us through that much pain for any longer.

So, I marched towards the front door, pulling my converse on my feet (because Docs would have taken longer, and I was on an important mission to win back my friend) and shrugging on a jacket.

“Where are you off to?” Younes asked, as he saw me opening the door.

“Out.”

“Can you grab some milk, then? We’re all out.”

“No, Younes. I can’t grab some milk.” I replied, before rushing out.

The journey to Robbe’s was not as long as it normally was. Though maybe that was due to me practically running there.

By the time I got to his flat, I was almost completely out of breath and trying to reinflate my lungs by taking deep breaths. But I still managed to grasp the energy to knock on the front door. I had come too far to back out at that point.

There was no answer for about a minute, so I knocked again. For a moment I was afraid neither him nor Milan were in. I had not checked or texted ahead to see if it was a good time, so it was an all too real possibility that the flat was empty. Thankfully, just as I was about to turn away and go, I heard shuffling behind the door and moment after it was slowly opened.

Robbe was stood there staring back at me. His curls were in disarray and his clothes were rumpled, almost as if he had been wearing them for quite a while. But he still looked as great as he always did.

One thing I did notice was that his eyes were wide as he looked up at me. He looked shocked at my appearance, which I guess should have been expected, but other than that I could not decipher the range of emotions that were flashing over his face.

“Hey, Robbe…” I said, softly, “Could we talk?”  

Chapter Text

“Could we talk?”

For a moment my brain could not even register the words coming out of his mouth. Or even the fact that Sander was standing there at all. It had been over a week since I had sent a text asking to do just that, to talk, and he had ignored me, left me on read and not made the effort to come and see me. It had been like torture.

Though at first, I had spent most of my time yearing for Sander, wanting so badly for him to do exactly what he had done – turn up and talk to me – he had left it far too long. My feelings had festered and turned into something bitter, showing the clear cracks that had appeared on my heart, the damage that the situation had caused blatantly clear.

I felt a lot of things towards my best friend. I felt mad at him for ghosting me for so long.  Fuming that he left me on the side-lines, not bothering to talk to me or check in when I had specifically asked if we could talk to one another. I was sad that I had basically been abandoned after sleeping with him, after participating in what many thought to be one of the most vulnerable acts there is and being cut off almost immediately.

And more than all of that… I was utterly heartbroken.

So, with all of those feelings in the forefront of my mind, the word came slipping from my mouth before I could think better of it.

“No.”

And before he could say anything else, I had slammed the door shut in his face, not allowing him to try and wriggle his way out of things. Because I knew I wasn’t strong enough to fend off his charm, I never was.

Though it pained me greatly, I stood by my decision, leaning my head against the door as I took a few deep breaths. I had to try and settle myself, my heart racing about a thousand times faster than usual. I just felt completely adrift, floating off into the abyss with all of my tethers to civilisation completely cut off. Sander was normally my lifeline, but I had to accept that I had to try and move on, since clearly he didn’t prioritise things between us like I did.

All of sudden, a voice on the other side of the door made me startle, causing me to bash my head as I jumped.

“Robbe, will you please just talk to me?”

“Sander?” I groaned, rubbing my forehead as I glared at the door accusatorily. “Are you still there?”

“Well, yeah. The door can’t talk so…”

It was his attempt at humour. Normally I would have been rolled up, clutching my stomach with how hard I was laughing… But I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction in that moment. He didn’t deserve to worm his way back into my good books that easily. I wouldn’t let him.

“Just go away.” I told him, trying to keep my voice stern.

“Please, Robbe. Can you just open the door so we can talk face to face?”

I snorted at that, “Are you being serious right now?”

“No, I-”

“Where was this over a week ago when I asked you to do that exact same thing?”

“I am so sorry for that. I was a complete idiot.”

I remained silent, continuing my stare down with the door. He knew I agreed with his statement, there was no need for my verbal confirmation of it. Especially since he hadn’t been keen on speaking with me before.

“I can only apologise to you a thousand times over. I know what I did was wrong, I was stupid and thought that I was making the right decision but I… I wasn’t. And I know that now. I mean, really I should have known that in the first place because any choice that didn’t include you was the wrong one.”

My heart flipped over in my chest, but I tried desperately to ignore it. He probably just meant because we were friends. There was no use in getting my hopes up that he meant anything more than just getting back on track to what we were before all of the weirdness started.

“Robbe, I’m begging you; can you please just open the door? I would much prefer to talk to you when I can look you in the eyes…”

Truthfully, I didn’t know if that was such a good idea. I knew that my resolve would likely crumble if I looked into his bright eyes, seeing all of that hope would do wonders to my anger, no doubt making it ebb away within seconds. But I didn’t just want to forget and move on immediately. He hurt me and it shouldn’t just be brushed under the rug. I also knew that we wouldn’t have gotten much further with just talking with the door between us… And that was the only reason why I decided to open it.

“Come in.”

I stepped aside, trying not to react when I felt his arm brush against mine as he passed. It was a harder task than one may have thought. Sander’s mere presence had me weak at the knees, but his touch sent me into a frenzy, even thought I was still fizzing with annoyance. It was completely frustrating that he still had that effect on me, even after he had been so stupid.

He stopped in the hallway, fiddling with his jacket, looking uncertain whether to take it off or not.

“Not staying long, then?” I asked.

Sander huffed out a nervous laugh, shrugging of his coat and shoes, “Yeah, sorry, um… Is Milan not here?”

He probably noticed the lack of noise coming from the flat, that was always made by my flamboyant roommate. Whether it be his loud singing or the clattering of pots and pans in the kitchen, he always brought life into the place.

I shook my head, “No, he, uh, he went out. I think he’s meeting up with his friends.”

“And you didn’t want to go?”

“After what happened a couple days ago, that’s probably not a good idea.”

The words slipped out before I could really think about it and Sander’s obvious concern came over his face immediately.

“What happened a couple of days ago?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Robbe…” he said softly, looking like he was going to reach out to me for a moment but thinking better of it at the last second. “You can talk to me.”

“Can I? Because that’s exactly what I wanted to do over a week ago and you wanted none of it.”

The look that came over his face made a stabbing pain go through my heart. Seeing him hurt made me hurt, but I still attempted to hold my ground regardless of how much I wanted to relent and drag him into a hug.

“I’m so sorry. That was completely the wrong decision, I don’t know why but at the time I thought it was the best… I just… I’m here now, please don’t shut yourself off from me… I really want to talk to you and I’m here if you want to talk.”

“But… I don’t understand why you ignored me in the first place.”

Eyes truly were the window to the soul. Even though I could not fully decipher what the emotions were, there was definitely a battle going on.

“Does it matter?”

“It does if it was something I did. Which I assume it was because why else would you not answer me?”

“No! Robbe, no…” he almost cried, finally moving forwards and placing his hands on my shoulders. Even that small touch sent shivers down my spine. “It wasn’t you, ok? I was being an idiot, I just… It was nothing that you did. I just let myself overthink things. It was quite easy for me to say we should forget about things, but it was a way more difficult than I thought it would be and I let all of that get in the way of our friendship. Which really should have come before all else. I really am sorry Robbe, you have to believe me.”

I remained quiet; my eyes averted to the floor. I knew that if I looked at him for too long, I would break.

“So… Do you want to talk about what happened the other day? It’s totally fine if you don’t, I just want to know that you’re ok.”

“Well, I’m not.” I told him, plainly.

“What?”

“I’m not. You left me in silence… Sander, you are one of the most important people in my life, it felt like…” like my heart was broken, “It didn’t feel good. And then… Milan took me to a bar with Senne and Zoë to try and cheer me up. We were all drinking a lot and eventually I ended up running into Phil.”

I felt Sander’s grip tighten slightly at the mention of his name.

“Phil? As in your ex-boyfriend Phil? The guy that broke your heart numerous times… That Phil?”

“Yes, that one. How many others do we know?”

“Good point… So, what happened?”

I raised my head, looking him dead in the eyes.

“We kissed.”

Sander’s face fell instantly, I did not even think that was even possible considering he was not even smiling to begin with. But the drop in his expression was clear, a frown becoming more prominent in his features.

Worry lines appeared between his eyebrows and all I wanted to do was reach out and run my fingers over them. To smooth them away.

“You’re back together, then?” he said, arms dropping off me.

“What? No!” I replied, wrinkling my nose, “Of course, not.”

“It’s not like you can blame me for asking Robbe, this has happened before! You break up, you make out and you make up.”

“Well, that’s not what happened. Things have changed.”

“And what’s that? What could possibly have changed so much, Robbe? He’s the one you’ve loved for so long, why would you not jump at the chance of being with him again?”

I could see the hurt in his face, the tension that appeared in his shoulders. All I wanted to do was make it go away. Sure, he had hurt me, I hadn’t forgotten about that, but the last thing I wanted to do was return that pain. Sander was… Sander was the most important person in my life, it made me ache to think I put that sadness in his eyes. I would have done literally anything if it meant he would have been happy.

“What’s changed?” he repeated when I remained silent.

“Everything.”

Before he got the chance to ask me what I meant, I had moved towards him, getting rid of the distance between us. I knew that I had to take a leap of faith. Whatever happened in the following moments would either help to ease the hurt in my heart, or it would leave me aching. But either way, I would know for a fact where I stood. That was one of the things that had plagues me, after all… The unknown. That limbo of not understanding what things meant or what we truly were to one another. If we were friends or more than that.

I raised my hands, placing them gently on either side of his face, feeling his soft skin underneath my fingers. When I moved in, it was slow, giving him a chance to make me back away, but he didn’t, he merely stared at me with slightly widened eyes. So, I moved in all the way.

My eyes fluttered shut as our lips pressed together and I could feel the movement of Sander’s closing a second later.

And yeah… That felt right. It felt more right than anything I had ever experienced before.

But abruptly, Sander was pulling back, his hands laid on my chest, gently pushing me away.

“Robbe… What, uh, what… Are you drunk?”

I shook my head, resolutely, “No.”

Within a matter of seconds, he had crashed back into me, kissing me with so much force that I was backed up into the door. Though, he placed his hand on the back of my head so that it wouldn’t hurt. I couldn’t help but smile at that, the feeling of it probably obvious to Sander.

“Maybe we should talk some more…” Sander mumbled against my lips.

“Shut up, Sander.” I whispered, threading my hands through his hair, “Just shut up and kiss me.”

And he did. God, he did. It was utterly perfect.

With other people I had been with, it had always felt like they were just taking something, using me for their own pleasure, for their own sick little games. But with Sander, it was like he truly cared how I felt too. He was caring and sweet and giving. Every touch sent tingles dancing along my skin.

And though the last two times between us were great, it was somehow so much better sober. Being aware was like a whole other experience. And the weird thing was… It didn’t feel weird whatsoever. There was no awkwardness, no questioning about hand placements, no second guessing what we were doing. It was all just so natural.

We stumbled down the hallway to my room, tripping a few times over our own feet. Well, mainly me, but every time I did, Sander’s arms came round my waist to prevent me from falling. It took everything in me not to literally swoon over his prince-like actions.

It was just transcendent. Maybe that was overdramatic of me, but that was really the only word close to how I was feeling in that moment. How it felt when Sander’s hands bit into my skin, when he actually bit my skin… How I shivered every time I could feel his tongue peek out through his kisses… How I never had a moment to feel self-conscious because I was so wrapped up in everything that was happening.

***

We were laid out on my bed, breathing heavily as we came down from our high. I hardly dared to look at Sander, scared of what he was thinking. There was no way I could go back on what just happened. I couldn’t wheedle out of it, no matter how hard I tried, not that I wanted to, but the option wouldn’t have been there even if I did. Neither of us were drunk, we were totally aware of our actions the entire time and we still decided to go through with it.

“So…” Sander said eventually, sitting up, arranging the blanket so that it wouldn’t slip off (an action I almost laughed at, considering what we just did). “We just… That just happened… Again.”

I mirrored his position, fiddling with my hands nervously, “Yeah…”

“Maybe we should have that talk now? And maybe not just brush it off this time.”

“Um, yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”

Probably the smartest one either of us had come up with in a while.

“Ok… First, I just wanted to apologise properly for ignoring you.” Sander told me, looking regretful, “I think that I just panicked about what happened between us and… And I couldn’t stop thinking about it – about you.”

I couldn’t supress my smile at that, though I looked down so that he wouldn’t be able to see truly how much that sentence meant to me.

“I think that it scared me, and I thought that maybe you’d be freaked out if you found out what I was thinking.” He continued, “But then I realised that no thoughts I was having were worth cutting you out… Because you are my favourite person in the world, it would kill me not to be around you anymore.”

My head snapped up, “Really?”

“Of course. I was doing terrible without you.”

“Me too, Milan had to keep dragging me out of my room when I refused.”

He reached out and gently took my hands in his, running his thumb soothingly over my knuckles.

“I am really sorry, Robbe… I shouldn’t have put you through that.”

“Hey, you’re here now, aren’t you? It’s ok, I was freaking out too. But I should be apologising. I should never have put you in that position in the first place, it’s always me throwing myself at you… I just, I’d hate to think I’d backed you into a corner, that you felt you had to agree.”

“You never forced me into anything, ok? I was always fully consenting and into what was happening when it did. If I didn’t want to, I would have said so. Besides, I was the one that kissed you first, wasn’t I? You didn’t throw yourself at me at the wedding.”

I scoffed, “Didn’t I? If I wasn’t so pathetic you never would have felt the need to kiss me out of pity.”

At that, Sander placed a hand gently under my chin, cupping my face with the softest touch I had ever felt. It was feather light and so comforting I could have cried at the tenderness he was treating me with.

“Robbe, please listen to me when I say this – I wanted to. I kissed you at that wedding because I wanted to, I hooked up with you that night and every time afterwards because I wanted to. Look, I… I like you. As more than a friend. I really like you. I wasn’t sure before but, I can’t get you out of my head… You are all I can think about. And not just the sex, it’s everything about you. You’re so smart and talented and… And you’re the sweetest guy I know – and the most beautiful.”

I was stunned into complete silence, my mouth dropping open slightly.

Of course, I knew that I liked him. That much had become more than clear, but I never thought that Sander would actually reciprocate, that he would ever see me as more than a friend who he casually hooked up with a couple of times. I genuinely thought that he had just felt bad for me. He was this amazing guy, one of the hottest that I had ever laid eyes on… He could get anyone he wanted, so I never thought that person would be me.

Sander coughed a little awkwardly, “Feel no pressure to say any of that back, by the way. I just wanted you to know how I felt. But if you don’t feel the same then we can just stay as friends. I won’t make it awkward for you or anything.”

“Sander, you are such an idiot.” I found myself saying.

He looked a little taken aback, “Um… Ok? Not really what I expected you to say.”

“No, I just meant that… Obviously, I like you too. I thought you knew that. I thought that maybe that’s why you ignored me, because you were freaked out and it was going further than you wanted it to.”

He grinned brilliantly, looking almost bashful for a few moments.

“You do like me?”

“Of course, I do.” I confessed, quietly, “San… When I kissed Phil, it all just felt so wrong. It was like I had disassociated from my body, and I was watching two other people. There was no connection there, I didn’t even want there to be. He is so cold and selfish. But you are everything he isn’t in the best possible way. You are gentle and kind… And when we are together it just fits. Maybe we didn’t notice it before because we were blaming it on the alcohol, but it feels right between us, doesn’t it?”

“It really does.” He agreed.

We sat there just smiling at each other like idiots for longer than I would care to admit. The two of us just mirrored one another. I took in every inch of his face, staring unashamedly. Taking in every mole, every beauty mark, every blemish that just made him even more gorgeous. I looked at his thick eyelashes, his perfectly shaped eyebrows, the tendrils of his ruffled hair that had fallen down onto his forehead, clearly tickling his skin as he kept trying to brush them away.

It was when I got to his lips that I started to become a bit impatient.

“Sander…”

“Hmm?”

“Are you going to kiss me anytime soon, or am I gonna have to beg?”

Almost as soon as the words left my mouth, he practically pounced on me, making my back connect with the mattress again as he hovered over me.

“You can beg next time.” he whispered, before kissing me again.

It was giggling in each other’s mouths and wandering hands that became tickles on stomachs. It was all I had ever dreamed of having... And the fact that it was all happening with Sander? I felt like I was genuinely the luckiest guy on the planet.

Chapter Text

Two weeks ago, the greatest thing ever happened to me. Robbe and I had actually had a conversation about our feelings. We had discussed how we felt and where we felt we stood, instead of just brushing things off and agreeing not to speak on the topic. We had confessed everything, and both laid our feelings down bare… And long story short, I had a boyfriend. an actual boyfriend. I was in a relationship… It was all so surreal to me.

I didn’t even think it would have happened. To be honest, I was fully convinced he had got back together with his ex, after he told me about their kiss. The whole situation had happened before, Philip getting too freaked out over commitment and leaving Robbe heartbroken. Him realising that Robbe was quite literally the dream guy, and he would be a fool to let him go. Them making out and Robbe getting all doe eyed over him, causing him fawn over that idiot all over again.

But he had reassured me that he didn’t want to do that. That he had finally broken that toxic cycle and realised that I was way more of a better option than Phil could even dream of being. Ok, maybe he hadn’t said those words exactly, but the point was that our feelings were mutual. And we were actually together, properly in a relationship.

All I wanted to do was shout about it from the rooftops. But, obviously, I couldn’t. Robbe and I had agreed not to tell any of our friends that we were dating. Not because we were ashamed or embarrassed, far from it, we were both totally giddy. We just wanted to figure out what it all meant for us. We had been friends for so long, we thought it might be easier for us to muddle our way through things by ourselves, instead of getting our friends involved who would no doubt put pressure on things.

Not because they would mean to, they were all such wonderful people. But they would no doubt meddle in our relationship, sticking their noses in and gossiping all the time. The last thing we needed was for people to interfere when we were still laying the groundwork. When we were more sure and ready, we of course agreed to tell everyone. But, at least for now, it was our business only.

I had to admit, there was a bit of a thrill in sneaking around. In making sure we weren’t going to get caught. It almost made the whole thing more enjoyable. Sure, it would be so much easier if we could be open with everyone… But where was the fun in that?

And there were so many times where we almost got caught, we were pretty bad at keeping things under wraps. A lot of the time one of us would have to sprint out of the flat while our roommate was distracted in order to keep our cover. We had obviously stayed the night at each other’s places before but doing it as often as we did would just bring up too much suspicion, so they couldn’t know.

One day, I went round to Robbe’s place, and he immediately dragged me into the bathroom. At first, I was completely confused, wondering why on earth he would bring me there out of all the rooms in the house. But once I fully looked around, noticing the candles dotted around, the drinks and the soapy suds filling the bathtub, I could not stop smiling, not even when I planted my mouth on Robbe’s.

“Hey, Robbe, was there someone at the door?” Milan called, from the hallway.

“Nope, I didn’t hear anything.” he replied, “Maybe it was for next door.”

“Oh… I could have sworn it was… Nevermind. Do you know how long you are gonna be in there?”

“A while. Now leave me alone… Please.”

“Alright, alright, calm down. And don’t spend too long jerking off in the shower, it’s a communal space.”

“Milan!” he screeched, lunging for the door, ready to swing it open and pounce at his roommate.

Luckily, I caught him just in time, holding him back, though my laughter escaped a little – not loud enough to be heard by his roommate though.

“Leave it.” I said softly, into his ear. “Let’s just enjoy ourselves and forget about everything on the other side of that door.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.” Robbe replied, smirking at me.

We stepped away from each other to take off our clothes, throwing them down in messy heap in the corner of the room. Robbe did undress quicker than me, though that was probably due to the fact that I was ogling him so much. I mean, it was difficult not to when he looked like that.

His hair was inexplicably ruffled, bouncing every which way. His face was tinted with pink as he could probably feel my eyes on him constantly. And his abs… I was sure there would never come a day when my heart didn’t skip a beat at the sight. He was just all around perfect and it was a little hard for me to understand how he returned my feelings. I was practically a potato in comparison to him.

The two of us slipped into the tub, facing each other with wide grins and both of us bursting into giggles every few seconds.

I think it was just because neither of us really expected us to be in that position. I would never have guessed that the person I would fall for, the person I would be happiest with in life, was Robbe, my best friend. It was just completely mad, in the best possible way.

And I never imagined having a bath with someone would be so nice. I was a consistent shower person, myself. Baths had always just seemed so long and boring… And y’know the whole thought of laying in my own filth was not very appealing either. But being in there with Robbe, having the feeling of his skin pressed up against mine, our feet trying to wriggle around and tickle each other – it was actually a lot of fun.

Plus, having him sat across from me looking like some sort of ethereal sea prince was always a good view.

We clinked our glasses together, grinning like mad men, and each took small sips of the bubbly liquid that Robbe had bought. It was not my favourite drink in the world (and I knew for a fact he didn’t care for it either judging by the slight wrinkling of his nose) but I loved that he had made the effort to try and set the mood. It was the most adorable thing anyone had ever done for me.

My ex, Britt, had never done anything like that. She always used to depend on me to bring the romance… Well, it was nice to actually been shown care and appreciation in a relationship for once.

“You know,” I said, nudging him playfully with my foot. “You look really cute in bubbles.”

He really did. The soap was covering his chest like a toga, even going so far up that it looked like he had a tiny little beard on his face. 

“Nah, I think you’ve just had a bit too much to drink.” He snorted, though his eyes were sparkling at the compliment.

I leant forwards; my hand outstretched as I gently wiped away the bubbles on his chin. It probably did more harm than good considering I already had a bunch of it stuck to my hand, but Robbe didn’t mind one little bit, keening into the touch.

My plan had been to lean in all the way, to steal a kiss from my boyfriend, and he looked more than willing. But a knock at the door made the moment end quite abruptly.

“Robbe, it’s me,” Milan called, “I’m coming in, ok?”

“Um, uh…” Robbe floundered, looking at me in absolute shock.

Maybe I should have thought things through a little more, maybe looked at the situation like a rational person and not rushed into anything… Unfortunately, that was not what I did, and within seconds I was underneath the water, pinching my nose almost painfully as I held my breathe.

I could not hear anything other than some mumbles, though I could not decipher any of what the two boys were talking about. My main concern was praying that I was not caught and y’know… Not drowning in the bath.

Thankfully, right at the point where I was pretty sure my lungs were about to burst, I heard a loud thump which I was almost positive was the door shutting. So, I sat up again, gasping for air, trying to steal practically all of the oxygen that was in the room.

“I’m so sorry, he wouldn’t leave!” Robbe said, apologetically.

“It’s fine.” I replied, once I felt I could breathe normally again. “So, how did you explain all of this to him?” I asked, referring to the romantic bubble bath setup.

“I didn’t really, he just gave me an odd look and I said I needed to relax. It’s Milan, did you really expect him to judge?”

I chuckled, “No, I just thought he might have some comments on it.”

“Same, but no. He was more concerned about dinner. That’s why he came in actually, he kept asking if I wanted any pizza.”

“Oh, ok… And what did you say?”

Robbe looked at me with confusion, “I just said no… I shouted it really. It was just the quickest way to get rid of him…”

He continued to look at me, raising his eyebrows in question as I remained silent, merely staring at him, and begging him to understand my silent pleas.

Eventually, he rolled his eyes, letting out a laugh and pairing it with a fond look that I had recently realised was reserved specifically for me.

“San… Do you want some pizza?”

“Well, if he’s ordering might as well.” I said, shrugging as I smiled.

“Likely story. Ok, fine, I’ll call him back in. Take a deep breath this time, alright?”

I saluted, “Roger that.” Before sinking back underneath the surface.

***

When I returned back home later that evening, I couldn’t even attempt to get rid of the wide grin plastered over my face.

“What’s got you so happy?” Younes questioned me, as I laid out on the sofa, smiling to myself.

“Nothing, nothing… Just thinking about some things.”

“Care to share?”

I thought on that for a second.

There was no way I could tell him what actually happened. Best friends never just platonically had baths together, there was no way I could spin that to work in my favour. Even if I tried, Younes would never believe it. From the start he had got all dewy eyed over me and Robbe (he was probably more aware of our feelings before either of us were) so he would definitely see through any lie I tried to tell.

“Not really.”

“Aww, come on, Sander! You’re no fun.”

“Ugh stop pouting, we don’t have to share everything. And it was nothing that you would have found interesting anyway.”

He crossed his arms in defiance, leaning forwards slightly to show that his interest was piqued.

“I think I’ll be the judge of that, thank you very much.”

“Ok, fine… I’ll tell you what happened.” I said, speaking slowly so I could try and come up with something on the spot. “So, I was walking home from Ro… From… I was walking home, right? And on the way I saw this guy and, and, um, he was wearing this really funny hat.”

I trailed off when I could see Younes looking at me with an expression somewhere between confusion and concern. He looked like he genuinely wanted to help me, but he had no idea what was wrong. It was a little humiliating, but there was no way that I could explain what was actually making me smile so much. That my best friend/boyfriend looks so hot laid in a bubble bath… In more ways than one.

“That’s it?”

I nodded, “That’s it.”

“Ok, then…”

“To be fair, I did say you wouldn’t find it interesting.”

“Well, normally your stories are more interesting than that.” He replied, “Where has the shock factor gone?”

“Shock factor?”

“Yeah, like when you told me you hooked up with Robbe – that type of thing.”

I looked at him with an astonished expression and a question in my eyes. That was really not the type of thing I had expected him to bring up. Since I told him that Robbe and I had moved on from the whole thing and put the past behind us, making up about everything that happened, he had dropped the whole topic of what had happened at the wedding. I had not thought it would ever need to be brought up again, either.

“That’s the type of thing you want to hear from me?”

Younes shrugged, “Not that specifically, but your stories have been quite boring recently.”

“I’m terribly sorry that I’m living a drama-free lifestyle now, Younes.”

Not really… But he didn’t have to know that.

“You should be! I am supposed to be living vicariously through you. Plus, I’m actually very disappointed in you…”

“May I ask what for?”

“For being so blind!” he cried, “You and Robbe are clearly meant to be together. The way you look at each other is totally not platonic and it never has been. When you said you’d hooked up I finally got a glimpse of hope you two would actually get over yourselves and get together… But now you’ve just gone and messed it all up. Again.”

And yeah. That was the main reason why we had refrained from telling anyone. Younes was already being pushy and although he was cute in his own way, I knew the second we told him, it would give him even more reason to try and push himself in and give us his input all the time. We could do without that.

I put on my best apologetic expression, “I don’t know what to tell you, Younes. Robbe and I just don’t feel that way about each other. We talked things through and after we slept together, we realised there were definitely no romantic feelings there whatsoever… It’s just better that we stay as friends.”

“Whatever,” he said, shaking his head and smiling wryly. “I’m not in charge of your love life, you can date whoever you want. I’m just saying you two would be great together – you’re like soulmates!”

“Sure.” I replied, shrugging. Sometimes it was best not to lead on the conversation.

Younes sighed, getting up with a cup that had been laid on the table. I assumed he was going to the kitchen to make himself another coffee, so I sat there batting my eyelashes at him, too comfy on the sofa to go and make myself one.

“Yeah, I’ll make you one, lazy.” He said, and as he was walking down the hallway, I heard him shouting back. “You are soulmates, Sander!”

I could only chuckle to myself. I found his insistence quite hilarious. And as long as he didn’t find out about us anytime soon, I would continue to find his reactions to us funny.

I got out my phone, bringing up Robbe’s contact. Even though we had been together for many hours, it never got tiring to talk to him.

Me: Younes is going on about the

soulmate thing again

Robbe: Again? Maybe he should have

got a job studying parallel universes instead

of botany

It seems like a whole sci fi thing. Like the whole soulmark

stuff, y’know?

Me: Haha yeah he would be good at that

Or maybe he would write one of those sci fi books

about it and turn into a writer instead

He is still totally convinced we should be together

Robbe: Well he’s not wrong, is he?

We can’t really fault his attempts at trying

Me: No, he is pretty spot on

Not that we could tell him that

Robbe: Oh definitely not

He would 100% muscle in. I love Younes but

he definitely noses into people’s business haha

Me: Yeah he doesn’t push for information

but he definitely still lurks around as much

as he can 😂

Robbe: Do you think he’s right?

Me: About what?

Robbe: The whole soulmate thing?

Like… Imagine there actually is a different universe

where we were just destined for each other

I think that would be pretty amazing, don’t you?

Me: That would be yeah

But you know… I think we are destined for

each other in every universe

Robbe: That’s really sweet

Even this one?

Me: Especially this one ❤

The idea of soulmates had never been something that I had thought too deeply about before. But when Younes started to tease me about it a while ago, it got my thinking. Robbe and I were like two parts of a puzzle, we just fit together, we were like the other half of one another. When we were together, that was just how it was meant to be. It was that way long before we had ever hooked up.

So, I think we were. Maybe it was too much to even be thinking about so early on in our relationship, but even if it did not work out romantically between us, I knew that we were soulmates, even in the platonic sense. There was just no way that we were not destined to be around each other one way or another.

Any universe where Robbe IJzermans was not the better part of me, was not a place I wanted to be.

Robbe: Damn, who knew Sander Driesen

was such a romantic???

Me: Shut up x

How about you with the bubble bath and

drinks? That was like peak rom com behaviour

Robbe:…

Ok maybe

You did like it though, right? I was worried

that it was too much

Me: Robbe, I loved it

Seriously, it was adorable

You are like the loveliest guy there is

I’m so lucky to have you

Robbe: What a sap ❤

Me: It made you blush though right?

Robbe: No comment

Me: Cute.

Wish I was there to see it

Robbe: Me too

I wish you were here, I already miss you

… is that weird?

Me: Now who’s sappy?

Haha but no it’s not weird. I wish I was

with you too

I’m sending you an abundance of hugs so

you don’t feel lonely

Robbe:… and kisses?

Me: Someone’s needy

(of course kisses too)

Robbe: Ugh, I gotta go, Milan wants

to watch a movie with me

Bye San x

Me: Talk to you later Robin x

“Who’s got you smiling like that?” Younes asked, as he walked back in, handing me my coffee.

“Oh, nobody.” I replied.

Just my soulmate.

Chapter Text

I think I was probably the happiest that I had ever been. Ever since me and Sander had talked things through and decided to give a relationship between us a shot, it felt like I had been walking on a cloud. Everything was just so might lighter and all of the stress that I had been carrying on my shoulders dissipated with the blow of the breeze.

As my best friend, Sander was the reason for my happiness. He was so kind and sweet, always making me laugh. But adding boyfriend to that title? It just made everything amplified. There was no moment where I was not grinning from ear to ear, no day when my heart was not aching to be closer to him – even when he was right next to me. Maybe it was concerning how much I seemed to feel when we had only been dating for a few weeks, but the way I looked at it was, it was a build-up of feelings that had been growing for years. Maybe I had not noticed they were romantic before, but they had pretty much always been there. I was only just now allowing them to come out, so they were flooding like tidal waves, not that I had a problem with it, and neither did Sander.

Both of us were keeping it a secret… And I had to say it was definitely difficult hiding the fact that I was in a relationship with the most handsome guy in the world, when all I wanted to do was kiss him and hug him all the time. It hurt me a little when we hung out with our friends and they could act all lovey with each other, but I had to keep my hands firmly to myself.

It was for the best though; we had both agreed that. Our friends were lovely, but they were also some of the biggest gossips around. Sander and I were trying to figure things out on our own and they would probably find a way of injecting rumours and drama into the relationship we were growing without even properly realising what they were doing.

“So, have you decided on who you’re bringing to my parents’ anniversary party, Sander?” Amber asked.

She, Aaron, and Sander had come to hang out at my place, all of us wanting to catch up since the last time we were all together was at Jens and Jana’s wedding.

“I already said I wasn’t bringing anyone, did I not?” he replied, sounding annoyed.

I didn’t really know what Amber was talking about. Sander had never mentioned anything to me about it – which of course he didn’t need to. There was no need for him to tell me literally everything that was on his schedule, I just thought he might have mentioned it in passing before.

“I know that, but as I said before, it’s a celebration of couples. If you’re alone that might be a little sad and lonely for you.”

“Amber, please give it a rest. I don’t care if you think I’ll be lonely, I will cope just fine. The party isn’t about me, it’s about your parents! People won’t be focussed on the fact that I’m not bringing anyone, so why are you?”

“I’m just trying to look out for you.”

“Well, stop. I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I don’t need your constant pressure, alright? I’m single, so I don’t have anyone to take. That’s it, plain and simple. Drop it now, yeah?”

She tutted, sighing, “Fine. I’ll stop.”

Aaron looked over to me with an awkward smile.

“So, Robbe… How have you been?”

I sensed that he was trying to defuse the tension in the room seeing as Sander and Amber were still sat there glowering at each other. I reached my hand out subtly towards him, not having to go far since he was sat quite close to me on the sofa and resting my pinkie on his.

He didn’t look at me, but I felt his own finger wind around mine slowly, so I knew he appreciated the touch.

“Yeah, um, I’ve been good.” I replied, “Just been working a lot really… Not doing much else.”

“Oh, really? That must be tough. Maybe you should try and get out more and relieve some stress.”

“Hmm, yeah, I think Robbe already has a way of doing that.” Sander said, shrugging a little.

I almost choked on air, looking at him incredulously. And he knew exactly what he was doing, casting me a quick glance with the smuggest look on his face, the blush on my face betraying just how affected I was by him.

“What do you mean?” Aaron asked, looking confused, as did Amber.

“He just mentioned that he was thinking about going to yoga with Milan, right Robbe?”

Nodding, I replied, “Mhmm… Yep, that’s exactly right. We might be starting yoga sessions together.”

“That’s cool!” Amber said, kindly.

“Yeah, it’s a source of exercise and stress relief… Thanks for telling them about it, Sander. I had forgotten all about it.”

“No problem at all!” he replied, still grinning, clearly pushing down his laughter inside.

I wished I could wipe that expression off his face… I wished I could kiss the expression off his face. But considering Aaron and Amber were sat right there, it probably wasn’t the best idea. There would be no way of playing off kissing him in a friendly way.

“Maybe you should join in with them, Amber.” Aaron said, and I immediately grimaced, knowing what was about to happen. My friend was very sweet in his own way, but he definitely lacked tact.

“And what is that supposed to mean?” she asked, teeth clenched, “Right after the word exercise is mentioned you decide that it would be good for me? What, do you think I need to lose weight or something, Aaron, is that it?”

“No! I – No! I just know you like working out, I just thought it was something you would enjoy… I didn’t mean it like that, I promise.”

Sander turned to face me, a grimace on his face.

“Why does this always happen?” he mouthed, smiling as he shook his head in disbelief.

I merely shrugged.

It was true, the two of them did bicker quite a lot, sniping and getting on each other’s nerves. Not that they did not love one another dearly, they were in deep with each other, heart eyes all around and just generally being a disgusting couple in public quite a lot of the time. They just had major problems with miscommunication. Though every argument ended pretty much within a few minutes, for us it was actually quite funny to watch.

“Fine… Ok, well make yourself clear next time. Jesus, Aaron.” She sighed, looking back at Sander and I, “Sorry about that, what were we talking about?”

We continued talking for a while, moving past all of the bickering that everyone had been doing and focussing on more general topics like work. Granted, it wasn’t the most interesting conversation in the world, but nobody had any better ideas, so that is what we stuck with.

After a while, Sander got a phone call and excused himself out into the hall to answer it. I really wished he just ignored it because when he left, things took a turn that I really did not want it to.

“So, Robbe…” Amber said, a smile coming over her face, “Have you been seeing anyone recently?”

I shook my head, resolutely, “Um, no. No, I’ve been too busy with work.”

Aaron chuckled slightly, “There was this guy who was obviously flirting with him that night we went to the club, but Robbe was having none of it. I felt bad for him, to be honest. He was probably heart broken.”

“He was fine.” I replied, rolling my eyes, “He didn’t even know my name.”

“Mystery always makes things more painful, all about the wondering…”

“Oh, is it?” Amber said, side eyeing him, “What mysterious girls have you been thinking about then? You know what, I don’t want to know, they wouldn’t go for you anyway.”

“Hey! I got you, didn’t I?”

She shrugged off his comment, still intent on talking to me, her face becoming more mischievous than before and filling me with uncertainty. I desperately wanted to make an excuse to get out of there, but I couldn’t think of anything… Plus, we were in my flat so there was nothing I could do except kick them out.

“I think we should set you up with someone!” she squealed, “You have been alone for far too long. Sander won’t accept help, even though I have repeatedly tried. I’m his cousin, you’d think he would accept my help. But anyway, tell me your type, I probably know someone perfect for you!”

She did… But I was not prepared to divulge that information.

“Um… Um, I’m not really looking to get into a relationship right now, Amber.”

“Robbe, you and Philip broke up ages ago! You should at least try and move on. I know it’s hard, but you would be so happy with someone else, you would be less lonely! And we could go on double dates! Wouldn’t that be so much fun?”

“Yeah… As great as that would be… I’m doing fine by myself. I’m not lonely at all, thanks.”

Thankfully, Sander decided at that point to come back in, effectively making Amber distracted enough to stop talking. Though my relief was short-lived as he started talking.

“That was Noor.” He told us, “She needs me to come in and help her with some work, so I have to get going, sorry.”

“Damn, can’t she do it herself? I mean how hard can editing really be?” Aaron asked, sounding genuinely confused.

Sander and I both turned to him with stony expressions. Both being editors, that probably was not the best thing for him to come out with. To imply that the job we had spent years training for and a long time building up our skills, it was a little hurtful that he was just palming it off like it was a silly career that could be done by anyone.

Though, that was just him, it was best not to take complete offense to it.

“No. She can’t, so I’m helping her out.”

“Alright, I’ll see you later then.” I said, lifting my head up to look at him, to send him a comforting smile.

To my surprise, Sander didn’t just smile back. He leant down, cupping chin gently, and pressing our lips together. For a moment, I lost myself in it, allowing myself to focus solely on how soft and comforting it was to have him kissing me. But that sweet moment only lasted for a mere three seconds, until I fully realised what was going on. Until I remembered that there were other people in the room, people that we were supposed to be hiding our relationship from.

I abruptly pulled away, noticing that Sander’s face was mirroring just as much shock as I was feeling.

All of us just waited there in silence for a few beats, the clear tension in the room building to an uncomfortable peak.

“Um… What the hell was that?” Aaron said, laughing a little, while Amber just sat there, dumbfounded.

Without waiting another second, Sander walked over to him, smiling. To be honest, I had no idea what was about to happen until it was actually in progress. My boyfriend really was just full of surprises. Whether they were all good remained to be seen.

“Aaron, it’s been good to see you!” he said enthusiastically, surging towards him and bestowing a kiss on his mouth.

I heard the surprised sound that came out of my friend’s mouth at the contact and noticed that Aaron’s eyes stayed open the entire time. Almost bugging out of his head with the sheer shock of what was happening.

When they separated, the curly haired boy remained in the exact same position. It seemed like he was frozen there, still trying to process everything that had just gone on. Maybe even trying to figure out if he somehow imagined it because the situation was just that odd.

Sander made his way over to Amber, pressing a kiss onto the top of her head. And while it was not as odd, he never really expressed that level of affection with his cousin, so she was still just as taken aback.

“Great to see you all!” he said, waltzing out of the room with ease.

We all peered at each other with equally astonished expressions. For a long while, none of us really knew what to say… I mean, what do you say about something like that? I really had no idea what was going on. Out of all the things that Sander could have done, I never expected that to be one. Poor Aaron still looked like SpongeBob with his wide eyes.

Eventually, Amber was the one to break the silence.

“Ok… What the hell was that?”

Aaron merely shrugged, seeming incapable of words.

“I have absolutely no idea.” I replied.

Which was the truth. I was just as shocked as them. Sander really had a dramatic flair and was desperate to use it at any and all occasions. It was hilarious, don’t get me wrong… Just very confusing for everyone not filled in on his plans.

***

That evening, Sander messaged me when he finally finished working, asking if it was alright for him to come over. Of course, I said yes, telling him to get there as soon as possible.

It was kind of weird, a while ago we could go days without seeing each other, but now every time we were apart, it felt like there was a part of me that was missing. Like I was physically aching when we weren’t together. And maybe that would be concerning to some people, that I was that attached after a short amount of time of dating, but I couldn’t help it. I just felt so much for him, and things just felt so right when he was by my side.

When I opened the door to let him in, he came hurtling towards me, wrapping his arms around my waist on instinct to bring me closer, kicking it closed behind him with his foot. Everything was so natural; it was easy to get caught up in it all.

“Where’s Milan?” Sander asked, his voice lowered slightly.

“In his room,” I replied, “But I was kind of hoping we could do this without him…”

He snorted out a laugh, “Shut up.”

“And while we’re on the topic, I don’t feel like including Aaron either… Or Amber. What was that earlier?”

“Yeah, sorry, it was the only thing I could think of.”

“The only thing?” I laughed, “Nothing else came to mind instead of kissing my friend? Your cousin’s boyfriend?”

Sander smirked, “She actually messaged me about that. She told me that she knew I was annoyed at her for trying to pressure me into dating, but I shouldn’t throw myself at Aaron, no matter how attractive he is.”

My mouth gaped open in disbelief, “She did not!”

“I kid you not, she sent me those exact words. I was killing myself laughing, I almost had to show Noor, which would have been even harder to explain. I told Amber I was sorry, that I was just kidding around, and she seemed to accept it, surprisingly. I think she was so caught up in me kissing Aaron that she completely forgot about us.”

I sighed, “Thank god.”

I loved Amber; I really did. She was really sweet and good company when she wasn’t being too overly critical and pushy. But she was also the biggest gossip that I knew. If she had figured things out between Sander and I, then everyone would have been told in a matter of hours.

“Yeah, we got pretty lucky.”

I nodded in agreement, “So, how did it go with work? Did you manage to get everything done?”

“You know, as much as I would love to talk about work,” he replied, smirking, “if I don’t get a kiss in the next few seconds, I might just explode.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“It’s a very real possibility.” He said, nodding with a sincere look on his face.

“Well, we don’t want that…”

He shook his head, pouting, waiting for me to kiss it off – which I did almost immediately. I lifted myself onto my tiptoes, smiling against his mouth until it moulded into the same shape as mine, any hint of sadness he was pretending to have long gone.

My hands were laid on his chest, feeling the lean muscles under his t-shirt and slightly gripping onto the material. While Sander’s were still rested on my waist, the tips of his fingers sneakily touching the bare skin of my back underneath my clothes, gently stroking the skin, and causing goosebumps to appear all over me.

Just as my boyfriend was deepening the kiss, running his tongue along my bottom lip, and swallowing the humming noises I was making at the contact, I heard a sound beside us. It was the sound of a door opening, of footsteps emerging into the hallway.

“What the-”

We jumped away from each other just a second too late, looking over to find Milan with a bemused expression on his face.

“So, um… It was good to see you, Robbe.” Sander said, giving me a curt nod, before breezing over to my roommate.

That time, I knew instantly what was about to happen, and it took everything in me to suppress my giggles.

Sure enough, once the blonde boy got close enough, he grasped Milan’s face and pulled him down into a kiss, holding him there for several seconds. He seemed to reciprocate more than Aaron had done, closing his eyes, and holding onto Sander’s shoulders. I couldn’t even find it in myself to be jealous, the whole situation so bizarre that it was kind of funny.

When Sander finally pulled away, he patted Milan on the cheek a couple of times. And even though I couldn’t see his face, I knew my boyfriend had a smug smile.

“Always a pleasure.” He said, beginning to make his way to the door, “See you guys soon.”

And then he was gone, leaving me once again with the aftermath of his actions. I tell you, if I wasn’t so amused by it all, it may have angered me. But hey, I couldn’t be mad at him for at least trying to stick to our rule and not completely outing our relationship, could I?

“Robbe, now would be the part where you explain what that was.” Milan said, his eyebrow quirked in question.

“You think I can?”

“Well, he was the one practically sticking his tongue down your throat, so I figured you might have some idea.”

I shrugged, “He kissed you too.”

“A peck is not the same as whatever he was doing to you, IJzermans…”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Milan.” I said, “He’s been kissing everyone goodbye suddenly, from what I’ve heard. Nobody really knows why he’s doing it.”

“Oh really?”

“Mhmm. It’s true. But anyway, I wish I could hang around and chat with you, but there is work I need to get on with so… Yeah.”

I rushed past my roommate before he had another chance to interrogate me further, shutting the door behind me and silently questioning why I never invested in a lock, to make sure he wouldn’t come barging in. Not that he did, that time.

Me: Again?! Thanks for that, you jerk

Sander: Oh come on, it’s kind of funny

Plus it was better than just leaving, right?

Me: Debatable. You kissing everyone is still

weird. Especially since it came out of nowhere

Sander: Jealous?

Me: Not in the slightest

They can have your lips if they so wish

I get everything else

Sander: Jesus Robbe

You can’t say things like that

I’m about to come running back

Me: I would encourage that but it’s

probably not the best idea

Sander: Probably not :(

Maybe sometime soon I’ll be able to stay over

as much as I want

Me: Maybe I want my bed all to myself…

Sander: Is that right?

Fine. I see how it is.

Me: Nooo I’m sorry!

I didn’t mean it obviously

I love having you beside me

Sander: Same, I can’t believe I lived without

your cuddles for so long

Me: Cute

Oh! I meant to ask earlier but I forgot

Why did you not mention about your Aunt and

Uncle’s anniversary party?

Sander: Oh yeah, that

Idk, I just wanted to forget about it

All I ever hear from Amber is her droning on

My parents have been hounding me about it recently

too, sending me so many messages reminding me

that the party is coming up so that I don’t forget

It’s exhausting, so it was nice to talk about other things

I wasn’t purposefully trying to keep it from you

or anything  , 

Me: No, I know x

I just wanted to check in with you

You didn’t seem too happy about it all

Sander: Ugh, it’s just the whole date thing

It gets on my nerves.

They all think I’m single, right? And earlier, that

was like the one thousandth time Amber had been

pressuring me to bring someone.

It’s just annoying because, even if I wasn’t dating you,

I’m still fine being single! And I’m fine going by myself,

it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

It’s an anniversary party for crying out loud,

not a couple’s dinner date.

Me: Well, you know you don’t have to

go alone, right?

I can always come with you if you fancy

some company.

Sander: You’d want to?

Me: Of course! You’re my boyfriend, I’m

here for you, whatever you need

We can go as ‘friends’ after all, your family

knows me, they wouldn’t suspect anything

if you took me there

Sander: That’s true

To be honest, I thought about inviting you

before, but it was right after we had slept together

at the wedding… So I thought it might have been a bit odd

But yeah, if you are down, I would love to go as ‘just

friends’

Me: Awesome! I’m looking forward to it

Sander: You are?!

It’s an evening spent with my family, Amber and Aaron

And a bunch of other mushy adults

Sounds like hell to me

Me: Yeah… But you’ll be in a suit so it’s

heaven to me

Sander: Someone’s getting bolder ahaha

But yeah, I agree, that does sound like heaven

Me: Very humble of you

Sander: No I meant you in a suit, idiot

Me: Haha I know that

It’s called sarcasm grandpa, ever heard of it?

Sander: How about you respect your elders?

Me: This is me poking my tongue

out at you right now

Sander: Really attractive

Anyway, I have to go now, but I’ll talk to

you later, yeah?

Me: Ok, speak soon x

Sander: Bye, Robin

Me: ❤

Chapter Text

I was stood in front of the mirror, fiddling with the stupid tie around my neck, trying to get it looking normal. Somehow, I had managed to get it into a loose knot that hung low on my chest, looking scruffy compared to the rest of my suit.

It was not the type of thing I usually wore, being more comfortable wearing jeans and graphic tees. The feeling of the crinkling linen was foreign and unwelcome against my skin and all I wanted to do was yank it off and throw it as hard as I could across the room.

All Younes could do was laugh at me as I shifted uncomfortably in place, trying to get used to the unfamiliar feeling of my clothes.

“Don’t you look dashing.” He said, lips curling into a teasing smile.

“Shut up.” I grumbled, “I look stupid.”

“No, you don’t. You look good!” he insisted, “Maybe you’ll believe it when Robbe tells you…”

“Younes.” I groaned, my tone warning but it only made him laugh.

“It’s true, isn’t it? You value Robbe’s opinion.”

I rolled my eyes, “I do… But we both know that isn’t what you were getting at.”

“No, sorry I don’t.”

“You think we are harbouring secret feelings for one another. Or you at least think that we should be. Well, you’re wrong, so just let it be.”

Younes shrugged, “If that’s what you got from what I said, that’s on you… Plus, I think you’re protesting just a little too much.”

I probably was, but it was only because he kept insisting on the fact that Robbe and I were in love and that was making me increasingly more nervous that he knew the truth. It definitely made me come to the conclusion that I would be a terrible criminal, since I would surely confess to the crime.

“We are just friends. That’s it. Frankly, you’re starting to make me a bit uncomfortable with all this, so please could you stop?”

The guilty look on his face made me feel a bit bad, but it was for the best. I wanted him to stop anyway, that part wasn’t a lie.

“Ok, sorry, I’ll stop. I was only messing around; I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“It’s fine, just… Let’s move on, yeah?”

Yeah, before I somehow ended up spilling it all without any more prompting. The stress of the party and the impending doom that was set to happen as soon as Amber opened her mouth had almost completely tipped me over the edge. I was afraid I would slip up and blurt something out without even fully realising.

“Yeah, we can do that.” he replied, “So… You excited for the party?”

“You know full well I am not. This is going to be absolute hell.”

“Maybe just try and be more positive? It could be better if you go in there thinking you’ll have fun.”

“You’ve been spending too much time with Yasmina.” I snorted, “You’re sounding more and more like a therapist every day.”

He smirked, “Well, considering she’s my girlfriend, I would hope so. But I’m not sounding like a therapist, thanks, it’s just normal advice. It’s a well-known fact that if you think negatively, it will cloud your own judgement and it ends up as a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

“Younes… Literally all of that was therapist spiel.” I laughed, shaking my head a little. “But thanks, I guess. I’ll try and have fun.”

“That’s the spirit!”

I made my way over to Robbe’s shortly after that. He had tried to insist that we could meet at the venue, since we were going as ‘friends’ anyway, but I was having none of it. He was my boyfriend, so I would be picking him up at his flat like a gentleman. We had never been on a proper date together, that was the closest thing to it, so I was not just going to waste my chance at greeting him at his door and treating him exactly like he should – like he matters.

When he opened the door, I was completely breathless just from the sight of him. In my opinion, suits looked odd on me, but on Robbe it was just another revelation. Both in terms of me being blown away by his attractiveness but also in me wondering how on earth I managed to pull him in the first place.

I was in a trance for probably a little while longer than I should have been, but I just couldn’t help it. My boyfriend looked stunning in his white shirt and black suit jacket, the slim cut of his trousers outlining his physique perfectly. It wasn’t my fault he was a sight out of one of my dreams, something that I was trying to treasure for as long as I could.

It was only when Robbe started giggling and whining at me to stop staring at him that I had to reluctantly snap out of my daydreams.

“Ok, fine,” I relented, “But you seriously look incredible. If you didn’t want me to stare… Maybe don’t look so hot…”

His face turned pink at he stared up at me through his lashes.

“Stop it.” he muttered, though his tone said otherwise.

“Never.” I replied, as I stepped into the flat, Robbe closing the door behind me. “But aren’t you even going to say anything about how I look? I mean, it’s just getting more hurtful the longer you leave it…”

He snorted, just like I knew he would, shaking his head at me fondly.

“Hang on.” He said, reaching towards me and grabbing hold of my tie, giving it a gentle tug, which made me move closer to him on instinct.

We were so close (not as close as I would have liked, but beggars can’t be choosers), so close that I could spot every beautiful feature on his face, no matter how small it was. I could have mapped out every adorable blemish, join up every little dimple, if I was asked. I could have leaned in and kissed him… And God I wanted to. Something that I voiced to him.

“Probably not the best idea, considering we were interrupted by Milan last time.” Robbe laughed, while he fiddled with the material, twisting it around with his hands.

To be honest, I had no idea what he was doing. I assumed he was fixing it, but maybe he was just messing with me and knotting it up even more.

“Yeah, probably… But what if we’re quick? He would never notice.”

I was only half joking.

“Sander, we can’t. We both know that. Judging by our luck, Milan would come sprinting out of his room as soon as our lips so much as grazed together. And how would we explain it this time?”

“That I was kissing people as a hello now, too.”

“But then you would have to kiss Milan again.”

I smirked a little, “Well, his lips were very soft… It wouldn’t exactly be a hardship…”

He took one of his hands off my tie for a moment, using it to whack me on the shoulder lightly. Though, I knew he wasn’t annoyed judging by the wide grin on his face. And he would definitely have told me if he didn’t like me joking about it, anyway.

“Idiot.” He murmured, pushing up the tie so that it was situated at the base of my throat. It felt much more uncomfortable, but I assumed that it looked a lot smarter than before.

“But a cute idiot, now?” I asked.

“Very much so. You were before, though, for the record.”

“Oh, you think so?” I replied, pretending to preen at his comment like a peacock showing off its feathers.

“Mhm, I did, but I might take it back now… It seems to be giving you too big of a head. We do actually have to go through the door to get to the venue, so wouldn’t want you to be confined here.”

“If I was confined here with you, that wouldn’t be so bad…”

He pushed me a little in the chest, though his hands lingered there for a while longer than was necessary – not that I had any complaints about that. I would never say no to Robbe’s hands being on me.

“Stop.” He whined, giggling again. “Before you start something you can’t finish.”

I scoffed, “I am very much taking offence right now. I don’t think my ability to finish should ever be in question…”

“Sander, oh my god!” Robbe cried, rolling his eyes, and looking completely exasperated, though there was a twitch at his lips that betrayed him.

He opened his mouth, looking like he was about to say something else, but that was when Milan came strutting out into the hallway with his grand entrance, effectively cutting him off. Of course.

I had gotten used to our moments being interrupted by that point, but it didn’t make it suck any less when it happened. All I wanted was to be able to show my boyfriend how much I adored him, but all that I could do was send him a glance and hope that would be enough.

“My, my,” Milan crooned, “Don’t you boys look dapper? What’s the occasion again… Hot date, was it?”

Robbe’s face flushed beet red, his voice stuttering a little when he replied with indignance.

“Why would you even say that? We’re friends, Milan. We’re just going to his Aunt and Uncle’s anniversary party… Can’t get much less romantic than that.”

“On the contrary, I think that is one of the most romantic places you could be going.”

“How’s that?” Robbe asked.

“Think about it. There is going to be an entire theme of romance, toasts to the eternity of love and looking back on their history together – which is literally how long they have loved each other. You two won’t be able to get away from the love even if you tried to. Enjoy!”

When I cast a glance at my boyfriend, I could tell that he was fizzing with annoyance underneath the surface but trying not to let it show. Younes and Milan truly were like two peas in a pod, probing the two of us until we eventually bent to their wills and confessed everything. Well, too bad for them, we were not built to break and were prepared to stand our ground. They could try and push us to be together all they wanted, but we would never admit things until we were ready.

“Good thing platonic love exists then, huh?” I said, smiling at Robbe’s roommate, “Enjoy your night too, Milan.”

He smirked back at me, crossing his arms over his chest as he let out a chuckle.

“You two are quite literally the most oblivious people I know… It’s astonishing really. But thanks, I will have a good night.”

Robbe slipped on his shoes and opened the door, grabbing my arm and starting to pull me out to the hallway.

“Yeah, see ya!” he called, not sparing Milan another glance. He only spoke once the door was shut behind us and we had ventured down the hall, way out of earshot. “Damn, he has really been getting on my nerves recently.”

“Same with Younes. They are insufferable sometimes.”

“Right? It’s so annoying. Like, they really think we are that stupid that we would be that blind to each other’s feelings?”

I considered that for a moment, “We kind of were…”

“Not the point. It’s just so much harder to hide it from them than I first thought… Don’t you agree? It’s like they’ve both suddenly become so aware of what’s happening. I can’t tell if they know and are trying to get the truth out or if they are genuinely just trying to get us together… It’s stressing me out.”

“If it’s stressing you out so much, we could always just come clean?” I suggested.

Neither one of us had been ready, but if it meant stopping Robbe from being so anxious then I would tell anyone I could. After all, it was him I cared about the most. And if he wasn’t happy with the situation, then I would do everything I could to make things right.

“No… No, I like things the way they are right now.” He replied, “If they are pushy now, imagine what they would be like when they got out confirmation.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“You are still ok with keeping things a secret, right? And don’t just say yes because you think it’s what I want to hear.”

I fell quiet for a moment, really thinking about the question.

Sure, it was tiresome having to sneak around and having to be mindful of every single action that we made. It was cumbersome having to act like I wasn’t totally attracted to the gorgeous man stood right in front of me, when other people were around. It was annoying that I couldn’t just kiss him whenever I felt the urge… But it was also kind of nice, in a way. It gave us the beauty of time and space. We were able to fully learn about each other in an entirely new way, a beautiful way that neither of us had ventured to before. We were able to find our way through the realms of a relationship without the constant onslaught of other people’s opinions clouding our judgement.

“Yeah.” I replied, sending him a smile, “I’m more than ok with it. They don’t need to know right now.”

“Agreed.” Robbe said, reaching out and tangling his fingers with mine as we walked down the street. Savouring the time we had before we had to remain completely platonic for the rest of the evening.

***

Ok so maybe Milan had been right. Maybe the entire evening was going to have an air of love about it. I had really underestimated how full out my family was prepared to go for events like this, especially the people that had brought Amber up, I mean… She had to get her behaviour from somewhere.

The entire venue was decorated with obvious Valentine’s Day designs that had been saved from months ago. There were pink and red hearts scattered everywhere, with sparkling glitter to match. It was a wonder the whole place wasn’t glowing with how much they had sprinkled… It was very drastic.

And couples were dancing together to slow songs that were ringing out through the speakers, twirling back and forth to the music, and holding each other close. They all looked so blissed out, like they had no other cares in the world. Which I guess had to be expected, when you were in the arms of your favourite person – I certainly felt that way with Robbe.

I had to admit… Amber may have been right to press me about bringing someone. There did not seem to be one person on their own, aside from the little kids running amok flinging glitter at each other as their parents watched on with amused expressions.

When we had first walked in, she had greeted us with a wide beaming smile and wrapped us both in a hug, while Aaron trailed after her like a little lost puppy and sent us an awkward wave. He never really knew how to act at formal events, to be fair. It was probably best that Amber was there to supervise him, lest he do something insane like start dancing on the tables like a lunatic (which, yes, had happened before at a family gathering he came to).

Amber had then ushered us over to a table to sit at, which included a bunch of my extended family too, and we had all been engaged in a very awkward deal of small talk ever since. Well… I was. Robbe had managed to escape a little while in, Amber insisting that he go and dance with her, since Aaron had gotten too tired. Under any other circumstances, he likely would have refused, but he was much too polite to decline her in front of her entire family. Plus, his only other option was to continue to sit through their boring spiel of whatever organic foods they were eating recently (maybe the topic had moved on since then, but I was pretty zoned out for the majority), so he gladly accepted.

I found it hard to tear my eyes away from him. He was just moving so effortlessly, and though I was aware he did not care for dancing too much when he wasn’t drunk, his smile told another story. Even from a distance, I could tell he was laughing hard and clearly enjoying himself up there with Amber, the two of them moving their bodies to the music as they spun around so much, they were probably dizzy.

“So, this Robbe guy…” My cousin said, finally catching onto the fact that I wasn’t too interested in their conversation, “Who is he, really?”

“He’s my best friend.” I said, smiling as I continued to stare at him, “I asked him to come because I haven’t been dating anyone recently.”

“Ah, yeah, I remember that girl you brought to a party months ago… What was her name… Kit?”

“Britt.” I corrected, “And, yeah… We broke up awhile back.”

“Thank god. She was really rude. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know her too well, but you definitely upgraded here.”

I blanched a little at their words, finally tearing my eyes away in favour of looking at them.

“What are you talking about?”

They shrugged a little, sitting back in their seat, “Just that you seem happier this time, that’s all. Why? What did you think I meant?”

“He is my best friend.” I repeated.

“Never said he wasn’t… Look, Sander, I’m just pointing out that you have barely taken your eyes off him since you got here. I don’t know the story, I’m not asking for it either, but here’s just a tiny suggestion – go and dance with him for crying out loud.”

“Um, uh…”

With that, they got up, patted me on the shoulder a couple of times, and walked off. It was completely dumbfounding, and I found myself merely sat there for a few moments trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

Was I really that obvious? Or were they just very observant?

Not that I had much time to be pondering over my questions, as my parents came over to say hello, ambushing me with questions of their own. Going on and on about my eating habits and making sure I was drinking enough and just generally taking care of myself. Years of not living at home and they acted the same every time they saw me. I had to love their constancy if save for anything else. The implication that I could not take care of myself did make a tad annoyed, but I knew they were just concerned, so it did not bother me as much as it used to.

“I’ve been fine. Me and Younes are still living, as shocking as that may be.”

“Well, Younes is responsible. There was no doubt he would be ok; it was whether he was going to help you out too.” My mum chuckled, poking me in the arm.

“Ha, ha, you are so funny. But seriously though, we’re fine.”

“That’s good!” they both replied, launching into the same conversations we normally fell into. How I needed to come home more regularly and that they had been missing me terribly, to which I echoed the sentiment.

I did miss them, but we were all adults with different lives. That meant that seeing one another as regularly as we once did, became more difficult. All of us seemed to understand that… Bar one. My sister Lily had never wanted me to leave in the first place, and she was heartbroken when I moved in with Younes permanently.

“Where’s Lilly?” I asked, to which my parents gestured over to the dance floor.

She was only about eight when I left for college, so she didn’t seem to understand why I was leaving her, and it made her very upset. Now at thirteen, she seemed more used to me not being around, but she always made a big fuss when we were together. Which was why it was a little odd that I had not seen any sign of her since my parents had arrived.

When I spotted what she was doing, it was an instant moment of realisation because, of course, she was dancing with Robbe and Amber.

What with Robbe being my best friend and all, he had been round my house a load of times when we were younger, meaning that Lilly had become friends with him too. She was more than comfortable around him and treated him just as she would me. Sometimes I did get a bit jealous… Though sometimes it was hard to know who of, as they both tended to ignore me a lot when they were in conversations with one another. It was sweet, but it used to make me quite annoyed, as I wanted my friend to myself most of the time.

“How is Robbe doing?” My dad asked me, his exact expression unclear to me.

“He’s good!” I replied, “He’s doing good at his job, been getting a load more ads booked recently… I think one he edited was on TV a while ago, but he has been pretty quiet about it – you know how he is.”

“Aww, that’s so great!” My mum replied, smiling fondly, “You’ll have to bring him home when you visit next. I can cook some dinner, we can talk for a while – it’ll be nice for us all to catch up, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, that sounds really nice. I will definitely let him know.”

“Now, maybe you should go and save him because if Lil swings his arm anymore, it will probably fall off.” She said, inclining her head towards Robbe.

“Noted.” I laughed, “We’ll talk more before you go, yeah?”

They both nodded, giving me a brief hug before I started to weave my way through the tables to get to the dance floor. My sister had been tormenting my boyfriend long enough with her attempts at dance moves, it was my turn to torment him now.

“Hey, fancy seeing you here.” I greeted.  

“Hey, San.” She replied. She was recently trying to play it cool with her glee, but her expressive eyes always got the better of her. It was adorable watching her try and be casual about things, though.

I moved forwards and grasped her with my arms, pulling her into me for a hug. She immediately sunk into the hold, gripping me tight and burying her head in my chest.

“I missed you.” She mumbled, though it was quiet enough that only I could hear.

“I missed you too, Lil. You’ll have to drop by the flat sometime, Younes won’t mind.”

“If he does, you can come to mine and we can hang out without Sander.” Robbe added on, sending me a grin over Lilly’s shoulder, his eyes glittering.

She turned towards him, pointing her finger, “That sounds like a fun idea, actually.”

“Damn, already ganging up on me. What was that, like ten seconds? That must be a new record.”

“We gotta keep you on your toes. Can’t have you getting too comfortable.” My boyfriend teased, raising an eyebrow in a dare for me to retaliate… And I could have done. There were many things I wanted to do in response, but none were appropriate for the public, much less somewhere my family were. So, I stayed silent, merely shaking my head at him as I scoffed.

“For sure.” Lilly giggled, “He’ll get too big of a head otherwise.”

“That’s what I always say!” Robbe exclaimed, prompting them to high five right in front of my face.

Maybe I should have hated the fact that they were taking small digs at me, but all I could do was enjoy seeing my sister and boyfriend get along. Sure, it was nothing new… But at the same time, it kind of was? Before we were all just friends, but in that moment, everything seemed different, it all just seemed so much more important in a way.

“Since you’ve had your fill of making fun of me.” I said (choosing to ignore Lilly’s small ‘not even close’ comment), “I’m going to cut in now. You can go dance with Amber, I’m gonna dance with my boyf… With my boy, Robbe here! My main man, my best friend, my homie…”

Lilly raised her eyebrows, looking at me with a slightly confused expression. Luckily, she didn’t read too much into my weird behaviour – growing up together just meant that we were used to that type of thing from each other, I guess.

“And you wonder why we make fun of you.” Was all she really said, shaking her head as she wandered over to Amber, who had dragged Aaron back up and was dancing with him and her parents.

“Hey there.” Robbe said softly, as I stood there gazing at him. In my defence, it was hard not to when he looked so perfect.

“Hi… So, did you want to dance with me?”

“Oh, for sure, I always save a dance for my homies.”

I threw my head back, groaning as he cackled loudly, probably earning us some curious expressions from my family. Not that I really cared in the moment.

“Shut up, I just didn’t know what else to say!”

“Hmm, well friend is always better than homie, San. Always. You know, just for future reference.”

“Yeah, yeah, ok.” I laughed, “I’d like to see how you do under pressure for once! Why is it always me trying to dig us out?”

He grinned, “Maybe because you put us in the hole in the first place?”

And… Yeah alright, that was probably a fair observation. It was me who would kiss him first in places we could be seen and me who allowed my mouth to run away with me to people we definitely didn’t need to be telling about our relationship.

But I just couldn’t help it! I wanted to keep it secret, yes, but the urge to shout it from the rooftops was sometimes so overwhelming that my recklessness runs away with me.

“So did you want to dance?” I asked again, this time answered with Robbe nodding and grasping both of my hands, immediately beginning to move. It was like suddenly there was no time to waste, that if we did not dance right then and there, something dire would have happened. Ok, I was probably overdramatising things, but who doesn’t like a bit of drama? It added to the thrill of things.

Not that our situation really needed it anyway. Merely standing there with Robbe was a thrill enough for me but dancing with him was something else. And obviously we had done it before. Though, that was mostly when we had had too much to drink, and we could barely think let alone be embarrassed over our moved. Being there with him, surrounded by people that I knew, with only a couple of Proseccos under my belt… It was an entirely different experience, in the best way.

I found that I actually really enjoyed being aware of what was going on. I liked that I was able to fully take in the splendour of Robbe’s movements, to observe how elegant and ethereal he looked when he moved. And not just jumping up and down, arms waving, type movements. Proper twirling and swaying type movements. He seemed to know what he was doing, repeatedly moving his hands up my arms to rest on my shoulders and leaving tingling sensation like a trail, wherever his fingers had been. It was completely enchanting to watch and a whole other worldly feeling to be a part of it – to have Robbe actively wanting to share the experience with me.

“Are you alright?” he asked, breathlessly, when he saw my probably vacant expression.

I merely clung onto his wrist in response, pulling him closer, so that our chests were pressed together. We swayed on the dancefloor in a more relaxed manner, our eyes locked, and hands intertwined by our sides.

“I’m more than alright. I’m with you, aren’t I?”

Robbe’s cheeks flushed beautifully, like Mandeville’s blooming on his face in the most perfect of ways.

“Don’t you think this is a bit too weird to do around your family?” He asked.

I cast a glance around the room, noticing that everyone else was wrapped up in their own conversations, each group in their own little bubble. Nobody seemed to bat an eyelid at the two of us dancing so close together.

“I think we’re ok.” I replied, holding him a little tighter, and enjoying the moment we had, where we could pretend we were a couple out in the open, just for a little longer.

Chapter Text

It was around 3 O’clock in the morning, and I had been quite rudely woken up about half an hour earlier by my boyfriend phoning me up. At first, I had been a little grumpy and inquisitive about what could possibly be so important to wake me up early on a Saturday… But as soon as he mumbled something about missing me and just wanting me to be by his side, all of my resolve crumbled, and I found myself promising to be over soon.

It was truly like he had some sort of power over me, without even fully realising it. One mumbled request in his sleepy voice, and I was leaping out of bed and rushing to be with him. Maybe I needed to chill out and try not to be so clingy… But I wasn’t concerning myself too much with overthinking in that moment.

I lightly tapped on the door when I got there, not wanting to wake Younes, and Sander opened it almost immediately. It let me to believe that he had been stood there waiting for me, which was kind of a cute image, I had to admit.

“Hey.” We whispered to each other, as I walked in, allowing the door to be shut soundlessly behind me.

“Sorry to have woken you so early.”

I fixed him with a look, “No, you’re not.”

He shrugged, “Ok, maybe not… I just wanted you here so badly.”

Laughing a little under my breath, I reached up to wind my arms languidly around Sander’s neck, my fingers absentmindedly playing with the wispy hairs on his nape and smiling at the blissed-out expression that came over his face.

“It doesn’t matter,” I murmured, “just kiss me…”

He did so without a second of hesitation. His hands came to rest on the small of my back as his mouth searched mine almost lazily, though it had no less impact than it usually did. My knees still felt like they were about to give way, and no doubt would have done if Sander was not holding me.

“Come on,” He whispered, eventually, gently rubbing soothing circles on my back. “I want cuddles in bed.”

“Oh, you do?”

Sander nodded, pouting, so I kissed it off gently. I could never stand to see him sad, even if he was just joking around.

“Ok… Let’s go then.” I grinned, taking his hand as we made our way towards his room.

However, fate was obviously not on our side, clearly not wanting us to be happy for one morning. Not allowing us to have some time to ourselves as we wanted to just chill before the sun came up.

Sander’s roommate came padding down the hall with a vacant look on his face. His sleepiness gave me enough time to put some distance between me and my boyfriend, trying to lower the suspicion levels… Even though it was pretty weird for me to be there so early in the first place.

“Robbe?” Younes said, a little groggily, wiping the sleep out of his eyes with fatigued movements. “What time is it?”

Sander was quick to jump in with his response.

“It’s nine…”

The curly haired boy peered to the side, looking out of the window with curiosity and a lot of confusion.

“But… But it’s still dark outside.”

“That’s because you always sleep until midday.” Sander replied, clearly adlibbing.

“Yeah, um… This is what nine looks like!” I added, trying to be at least somewhat helpful. Judging by the quick smile Sander flashed me, it was.

Younes still seemed pretty puzzled, but he must have still been half sleep as he started trudging over to the bathroom, muttering about he needed to clean himself up and get ready for the day. I did feel a little bit bad… But I had to admit, it was pretty funny to witness his confusion.

“Well, that was a close one!” I whispered, once he was in the other room.

“Tell me about it. I thought for sure the gig was up.”

“Guess sleep deprivation does wonders, huh?”

“Speaking of sleep…” Sander said, looking at me with wide eyes, “Can we go and cuddle in bed now?”

I laughed a little, “What about Younes?”

The blonde boy just walked over to the bathroom, pushing the door to open it. In doing so, it revealed a very much asleep Younes, sitting on the closed toilet with toothpaste all round his lips. Clearly, he had started getting ready for the day and zonked out, too tired to properly function. Not that I could blame him, I was pretty dead on my feet too. It was a wonder I had made it all the way to Sander’s flat without falling asleep right on the side of the road.

“Alright then, guess that settles it-”

Before I could say anything else, Sander had lunged towards me and wrapped his arms around my waist, picking me up as if I weighed no more than a feather.

I let out a startled, but stifled, laugh.

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like?” Sander said plainly, as he carried me to his room. “I’m getting my cuddles faster.”

“My god, you are quite literally the most adorable person I have ever met.”

“Perhaps… Don’t tell anyone, though.”

I snorted, “Wouldn’t dream of it, baby.”

***

We spent most of the day cuddling. Hours of just laying tangled in Sander’s sheets. Of cold feet and clasped hands and hair twisting together with how close we were laid. Of noses brushing in the sweetest of caresses. Of just being together… And that being more than enough to achieve contentedness.

Eventually, Younes seemed to wake up from his slumber in the bathroom, crashing about with a general grumpiness that probably came from a cricked neck or a bad back. Things which were no doubt caused by his awkward sleeping position. But we paid him no mind, keeping in our own little world, our bubble where nobody could bother us.

After a while, the close proximity seemed too much for Sander to bear without doing anything about it. He began pressing kisses everywhere he could reach. On my face, chin, ear, peppering little dots of affection on my skin that made me giggle. Though those noises soon became more like gasps, as Sander made his way down my neck, his tongue poking out slightly as he kissed me, making goosebumps appear as he brushed against the sensitive parts of my skin.

“Sander.” I sighed… Though it may have sounded more like a whine when it came out.

He hummed in question as he continued his ministrations, the sound vibrating against me.

“San, we can’t do anything right now.”

“Why not?”

“Because Younes will hear…”

My boyfriend leaned back, looking at me with a mischievous glint in his eyes. One that I was all too familiar with.

“What… You don’t think you can be quiet?”

I bit my lip while I considered his words, watching with bated breath as he tracked the movement hungrily with his eyes. Sander looked completely desperate, and it made my heart leap to think that it was because of me… It still seemed like I was stuck in a dream sometimes.

In a flash, I had placed my hands against Sander’s chest, using all my might to push him back against the mattress. I wasted no time in sitting up, swinging one of my legs over so that I ended up straddling him, delighting in the shocked expression that had appeared on his face.

Leaning down, I hovered my face above his, though opening my mouth a little too wide so that he couldn’t kiss me, even if he tried. I could tell it affected him by the way his breathing quickened ever so slightly. And I had to say, it was fun having the upper hand for once.

“I don’t think it’s me who needs to worry about being quiet…” I said softly.

“Robbe.” He groaned, looking at me with furrowed brows.

“What?” I replied, my voice faking innocence. “Scared you can’t handle it?”

Sander looked almost predatory when he heard my words, and there was no use in denying my attraction to it. I could practically feel my blood thrumming through every part of my body, adrenaline coursing through my veins at what felt like a heightened speed.

“You drive me insane, Robin.” He replied, mere seconds before he was fisting his hands in my t-shirt and dragging me down towards him into a kiss.

I was completely powerless after that, allowing myself to surrender in his arms. There was no use even trying to continue the act, when we both knew I was putty in his hands. Not that there was really any other way I would have it. I loved having his strong hold on me, being able to feel his fingers digging into my skin. I loved being able to see the marks he made on me, the places that he had been, the memories of what we had.

As Sander was ravishing my neck, making me bite down on my lip hard to stop myself from alerting Younes of my continued presence in his place, he began to remove my shirt. He pulled it higher and higher, eventually leaning away from me so that he could remove the material completely, tossing it to the other side of the room without a second thought.

We made quick work of removing each other’s clothes after that. It was like something had snapped in both of us and we were just completely desperate and out of patience, moving like we were running out of time, like there was no tomorrow.

I ended up laid out on the mattress, Sander half on top of me. But just as he was sneaking his hand under the waistband of my boxers, still determinedly kissing my shoulder, making more marks I would have to cover, the door was swung open.

“Hey, Sander, I was meaning to ask if you – what the hell?”

All three of us yelled in surprise, Sander jumping away from me with the sudden appearance of his roommate, and me rolling off the bed completely, curling up on the floor from the sheer embarrassment of the situation. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up.

For a few moments we all remained in our positions, completely frozen and silent as we stared at each other. But eventually, Younes looked at us with exasperation, unable to handle the suspense for a moment longer.

“Can one of you please tell me what the hell is happening?” he cried, “I get up this morning and think I’m hallucinating for a moment. I wake up on the toilet, of all places. And then I see this? What… What?!”

“Um… Yeah, sorry about earlier. We just… We didn’t want you to know that Robbe was here so early.”

“And why is that?”

Sander and I locked eyes from where we were both sat. I just gave a small shrug of my shoulders, still cowering on the floor. There was not really any point in denying what happened, after he had witnessed what we were doing.

“Well, um, Younes… Robbe and I are… We’re dating.”

There was barely a pause before Younes was laughing and pointing at his roommate with glee.

“I knew it!”

“You did not!”

“Ok, I didn’t know you were already dating, but I knew you liked each other. Have I not been saying this entire time that you two are soulmates? Damn, it feels good to be right.”

Sander rolled his eyes, “Yeah, yeah, revel in it all you want but you have to keep this to yourself.”

“Nobody else knows…” I mumbled, still struggling to look Younes in the eyes.

“What?” He replied, deflating slightly. “But why can’t I tell anyone? Why can’t you?”

“We didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.” Sander shrugged, to which Younes looked at him incredulously.

“It’s a huge deal!”

“Please, Younes, just keep it to yourself, yeah?” Sander begged, “We don’t want to deal with telling everyone yet.”

He sighed, “Ugh, alright… I’ll keep your secret. But for the record, everyone would be so happy if you told them.”

That was the problem. They would be way too happy and want to interfere with everything. They would think that because we were their friends, they had the right to stick their noses in and meddle – which they certainly did not.

“This is great, by the way.” Younes grinned, gesturing between the two of us, “Glad you idiots finally used your words instead of… Well, you know…”

“Ok, you can go now, Younes.” Sander groaned.

“Fine, fine, I’m going!” he replied, starting to back out of the room, “Oh, and just for the record… I really don’t want to see that ever again.”

He shut the door behind him as he felt, leaving us to mingle in the awkwardness he had trapped in there.

Sander peered down at me with a blinding smile.

“You can get up now, cutie.”

“Nope.” I responded, shaking my head vehemently. “I am never facing the world again. I cannot believe that just happened.”

My boyfriend could only respond with a laugh, shrugging it off.

“Don’t worry yourself over it. I’m sure Younes will be keen to forget about it… Though, I couldn’t tell you why. Your body is a sight to behold.”

“Sander.”

“It’s true!” he chuckled, sliding down onto the floor to sit in front of me. “Robbe, look… That was embarrassing, sure, but maybe just look at the positives of the situation. We told someone about our relationship! That is one less person we have to hide from, sneak around, lie to… Surely that’s a good thing?”

I found myself smiling a little.

“I guess… It did feel kind of nice telling someone.”

“It did, didn’t it? Now come, let’s get up and go do something fun! You can’t hide in here forever.”

“What do you want to do?”

“Let’s go grab some food and we’ll go from there, yeah?”

I peered up at him with a grin, “Fresh croissants?”

“Naturally. Let’s go.”

Chapter Text

Robbe and I were sat in the living room of my flat. He was sat on my lap, practically attacking me with the force of his kisses, and I was loving every second of it. I could feel his hands on my face, travelling from my cheeks, to my chin, to my hair and back again, as if he just could not decide on one place. For once, I was different, keeping my hand firmly planted on the back of his neck, applying just enough pressure so that he would stay there kissing me – not that Robbe would have done anything else regardless of where I was touching him.

Since Younes had discovered our secret relationship, the two of us had become much more comfortable with not hiding it around my place. Before, we had tried to keep exclusively to my room to avoid being seen (not that that really worked out in the end). But now that my roommate was in the loop, there was no use in being cooped up in there all the time.

My boyfriend’s lips tasted like coffee and honey, the bittersweet combination tantalising against my tongue. That combined with the faint scent of his vanilla shampoo was driving me completely wild, my heartbeat probably loud enough for Robbe to hear it. To feel it when his chest pressed against mine.

“Hey.” I said, softly, pulling away a little. Only enough to be able to look him in the eyes, any more than that and there would have been way too much distance between us. “How about I take you out on a date?”

There was a small smile playing on Robbe’s lips.

“You want to take me out on a date?”

“Yeah, why not? We’ve never really had one… Because me taking you to an anniversary party does not count.”

“So, when you say a date… What exactly would that entail?”

I considered that for a moment, “I don’t know… Something nice. Where we sit down, talk, have some food.”

“A nice dinner? Wow, to think I thought you would be more original, Driesen.” Robbe tutted, shaking his head.

“Well, I don’t see you coming up with any ideas.”

He snorted, “That’s fair. All jokes aside though, that does sound really nice, I’d love to go out on a proper date with you.”

“Ok, great!”

I leaned in, kissing him again with no warning. Robbe made a surprised sound, but reciprocated instantly, so he certainly was not opposed to it.

There was suddenly a commotion by the front door, my roommate coming back in from work. Not that Robbe and I really took much notice, continuing to kiss each other on the sofa, in fact probably holding each other just a tad tighter than before.

Younes trudged into the room, pausing by the doorway for a second before he let out a loud cough, clearly a signal of his presence. He had done that quite a lot, probably to avoid another situation like he had witnessed, not that I could blame him, I think Robbe was just as traumatised by the entire situation.

I pulled away from my boyfriend, both of us looking over to Younes, who had made his way over to the other sofa, eyeing us a little warily.

“What’s the look for?” I asked, smirking.

“I’m sorry that I get war flashbacks whenever I see you two like this.” He replied, “I saw a little too much than I wanted to, and now it’s stuck in my head.”

“Younes, there is no shame in admitting that you can’t stop imagining Robbe’s body.” I teased, supressing my laughter as both my roommate and boyfriend looked at me with appalled expressions. “Trust me, I feel you. I couldn’t forget about his body the first time I saw it either… So hot and-”

“Ok, enough, that’s enough.” Younes pleaded, rolling his eyes. “Jeez, when I said you should get together, this is really not what I had in mind.”

“You didn’t think I’d make out with my boyfriend every time chance I got? How naïve of you. Honestly, I’m surprised that you aren’t calling us cute and cooing at us. That’s all you ever did when we were just friends.”

“Yeah, well, I’m sorry that when I see you two, all I can think about is an image that I would much rather forget.” He told us, shuddering a little from the memory, which I thought was a little insulting to be honest, “But… I do have to admit, you guys are really adorable.”

“We already knew that.” Robbe remarked, his lips twitching into a smile. “Thanks for the reminder, though.”

“But, not as cute as me and Yas.” Younes added, “We are way cuter than you.”

Robbe and I both scoffed at the same time, “Yeah, you wish. Aww, we’re so in sync!”

I leant towards him, pressing a few kisses on the tip of his nose to make him smile. Which in turn made me grin, as by that point our happiness was basically interlinked.

When I looked back at Younes, I could see his face was showing that of complete bemusement.

“Ok, that was creepy. Did you guys plan that?”

“Nope.” We said in unison, causing us to both burst into peals of laughter, unable to stop giggling. Both at what we said and the completely confused reaction that my roommate had.

“I think I preferred it when you guys were keeping this a secret.” Younes sighed, shaking his head at us, “What was I thinking encouraging this before?”

Robbe giggled again, grinning at my friend, “Aww, don’t be like that, Younes! If you’re jealous, all you need to do is ask for some hugs.”

As soon as he had finished speaking, my boyfriend climbed out of my lap, padding over to where the other boy was sat. He protested a lot, telling Robbe determinedly to stay away from him, but his blinding smile and laughing tone made it clear he didn’t mind too much.

I was a little surprised that Robbe was suddenly acting so confident, considering he was still a little embarrassed about what happened. But I think he was just trying to forget about it, thinking about the present instead of the incident that happened in the past.

It was quite a sight, watching my best friend and my boyfriend embracing right in front of me. A good one though, nearing perfect. How could it not be when I was witnessing two of my favourite people looking so happy? They were both positively beaming as they hugged one another. Well, Robbe was hugging him… Younes was putting up a bit of a struggle and doing a bad job of pretending to hate the affection he was being given.

“Robbe, get off me!” he chuckled, as the smaller boy clung onto him like a monkey.

Younes’ request was considered for mere second, before Robbe was shaking his head, curls flying everywhere.

“Nope, I’m good.”

I fished my phone out of my pocket, taking a short video of them and sending it immediately to Yasmina. There was no way that I could keep what was happening to myself – I had to get some type of evidence and share it around, it was too hilarious not to.

Me: [video attached]

I think your boyfriend has found someone else

Sorry to be the one to have to tell you 😂

Yasmina: Tell Robbe that just because

he can’t get his own boyfriend, doesn’t

mean he can go and steal mine

The two had met on multiple occasions, mostly when we had all coincidentally been at the flat at the same time, Yasmina for a date night and Robbe just to hang out. Which, I guess in hindsight were probably considered the same thing for us now.

They both got along really well with one another, their personalities quite compatible as they spoke for probably longer than me and Younes would have liked. A lot of the time we had been eager to have time to ourselves, but there was no way either of us were willing to split the two of them up when they were clearly enjoying one another’s company. So, quite a few times, our evenings ended up being a group thing instead of hanging out in separate rooms.

I was sure that Yasmina would be supportive of us when we told her that Robbe and I were officially dating. It was a little sad that we still had to continue hiding it from her, considering that Younes knew, but it was for the best.

“Yasmina told you to keep your hands off her man.” I informed Robbe.

“You told her?” he asked, tone light.

“Mhm, sent her a video.”

Younes groaned, “Dude, are you trying to get me in trouble?”

“Chill,” I laughed, “Yas knows that you wouldn’t be cheating at all, let alone with Robbe. And definitely not in front of me. Plus, it was Robbe who she was more concerned with, he should be the one quaking in his boots, not you.”

“Which I am not. I can handle Yasmina.”

Younes whistled lowly, “You wouldn’t be saying that if you’d seen her angry, my friend. She can be very intimidating.”

“I’ll trust you on that, then. If she is that scary, I think I’ll try and avoid that confrontation.”

“A wise choice.” My roommate chuckled.

They were still hugging, relaxed in their positions. Neither one seemed to have any plans on moving anytime soon.

“Enjoying yourselves there?” I asked, smiling fondly.

“Yep, your roommate is a very comfortable pillow.”

Younes shrugged helplessly, “Well, he is here now, it would be rude to move him.”  

I narrowed my eyes, smirking, “Sure. Whatever you have to tell yourself.”

There was no use me even being jealous of the two of them. I was just so content watching them, in a non-creepy way of course, observing as they clearly were happy in each other’s company. I counted myself lucky that I had managed to find such wonderful people in my life. And who managed to get along like a house on fire… It was like all the pieces of my life were just fitting together perfectly, and I was loving every second of putting together the puzzle.

Chapter Text

I was in a complete flap, throwing my clothes all over my room in an attempt to find something decent to wear. Nothing looked right. It was either too baggy, too tight or just plain ugly, and I was cursing out my past self for having next to no fashion sense.

Sander had asked me to go on a proper date with him a couple of weeks ago and we had finally arranged to go out and get dinner in a restaurant. It was so different to what we normally did when we hung out as friends. The extent of our meals would be take out from the corner shops and vendors that had their vans open when the shops had shut. We would walk home clutching our chips in rolled up paper, the grease all over our fingers and ketchup smeared over our mouths… But none of it mattered because we were not trying to impress one another.

Everything was different now. I couldn’t just turn up in my old, faded jeans that were too big for my body and a hoodie that had multiple holes in. I had to make an effort to look good for my boyfriend, especially since he looked so amazing even on regular days. I couldn’t go there looking like some kind of mole rat and sit opposite an Adonis. People would probably think Sander had lost some kind of bet and that he was only there because he was obligated.

At around the tenth time I let out a frustrated cry, Milan knocked on the door and walked in seconds later, not giving me time to tell him to go away.

“What’s all the fuss about?” he asked, eyeing the state of my room.

“I… I can’t find anything nice to wear.”

Milan huffed, “Why didn’t you come to me in the first place? I’m an excellent dresser.”

Maybe because this is for a date with my secret boyfriend that is absolutely none of your business?

“So, what is this for?” he asked, “I need to know what kind of outfit to correlate to the event.”

“It’s, um… I’m just going out to eat.”

“Ok…” My roommate responded, beginning to pick his way through my clothes. I could not help but notice the suspicious tone to his voice. “And are you going with someone?”

“Just some friends.” I said, “But it’s a nice place so I wanted to make an effort.”

“Hmm. Multiple friends, is it?”

“What is this, twenty questions?”

He looked at me with a slight smirk, “Just wondering. That’s all.”

“Well, there should be multiple people there, yes.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie… Including myself there would be two people. Which, the last time I checked, was multiple.

“Ok, then.”

Milan turned his attention back to my clothes, looking at the with disdain. I could tell that it was almost physically pained him to look at such bland material, especially compared to his own outfits.

“You should really come with me the next time I go shopping.” He said, while he tossed a few of my t-shirts aside.

I held my breath as he held a particular one in his hands. It was black with a building pattern on the front – one that I had stolen from Sander at some point a while ago. For a moment, I was worried that Milan would recognise it, but to him it was just another unappealing piece of clothing that blended in with everything else.

“I think I’ll pass on that.” I laughed, “Thanks, though.”

“If you say so, but it would really help with your inept fashion sense.”

“I think I’ll survive. Let’s just get this night out the way, shall we?”

It took a while, but Milan eventually managed to assemble something that wasn’t too extravagant for my taste, yet nice enough for a restaurant. The outfit consisted of some of my tighter fitting jeans and a white t-shirt with a light green shirt layered over the top.

I had to admit that, when I looked at myself in the mirror, it did look quite nice on me. It wasn’t often that I admitted Milan was right… But maybe his fashion suggestions were the exception.

He seemed to agree. When I called him back into my room (because I had banished him for the short duration of me changing) he looked at me appreciatively, admiring his handiwork and getting me to spin a few times. It was something I think he did more for his own amusement rather than to see the full outfit, but I complied anyway. If he was more focussed on what I was wearing, then it was less likely for him to be asking a load more questions about my evening.

Instead of waiting for Sander to come right up to my flat and pick me up, I bid farewell to my roommate and rushed downstairs. It was just easier for the two of us to meet there instead of where Milan would no doubt be hovering, waiting to interrogate us on where we were going and who we were supposedly meeting up with.

I was waiting around for about 5 minutes, when Sander finally arrived. And he looked perfect.

His long legs had been pulled into the pair of black jeans that he knew I loved, with a black and green plaid shirt that looked amazing with his forest-coloured eyes. Ones that were glittering wonderfully in the light from the lampposts. 

“Not even gonna let me call to your flat like a gentleman?” Sander asked.

“Just thought it would be easier than to get caught by Milan.” I told him, “Plus, we have slept together multiple times before our first date… I think social etiquette has gone out the window, don’t you think?”

“Yeah maybe… It’s more interesting this way though.” Sander stepped forwards, grasping my hand in his, “Shall we go, then?”

I nodded, smiling up at him, “Let’s go.”

Sander led me to a place downtown, a restaurant that looked way too fancy for just a casual dining experience. A place that looked pretty expensive by all accounts. I think I had only been there once before, with my parents. It was probably to celebrate a birthday or something, but they had split the bill between them, so I had no clue what the actual prices in there were.

“San, this place had got to cost a bomb.” I said, my mouth open in surprise. “When you said we were going to go out to eat, I assumed it would be somewhere…”

“Somewhere second rate? Robin, you should know I would never settle for that. This is our first date; I want to make it special.”

“You’re too sweet. It would be special anywhere! But, just to be clear, we are splitting the bill.”

He shook his head, adamantly, “This is my treat.”

“Sander.”

“Robbe.”

“If it makes you feel better, you can pay for the full meal next time… But this place will break your bank account if you pay alone.”

“Fine, fine.” He relented, “Just so you know, though, nothing is too expensive for you.”

I practically melted into a puddle on the pavement. Sander was just the smoothest with his one-liners, making my heart almost literally burst out of my chest with how much he made me feel.

Sometimes I felt slightly inferior, not being as creative with the type of romantic words he comes put with. But just seeing the expressions on his face when he is around me, the fond look in his eyes whenever I am around, I knew he was content with my unspoken communication of that devotion.

We made our way into the restaurant, remaining hand in hand, and took our seats. The entire time, sharing glances and loving looks. It was so great to be able to act like a couple in public, to properly express how much we liked one another, instead of stopping as soon as we entered a space filled with other people.

And it was all going so well… For all of five minutes.

Two familiar faces entered the building, muttering to one another intently as their smiles were wide across their faces. At first, I hoped we would not have to interact, but unfortunately, we caught one another’s eyes, a wave of surprise clearly washing over them, too.

“Robbe, Sander, hey!” Moyo called, walking over, with Noor in tow.

For a moment, I was unsure as to what I should do. I was truly contemplating dropping everything and running from the place at full sprint – but that would only have raised more questions.

Just before the two arrived at our table, I could hear Sander whispering for me to relax. He could probably see the tension that had appeared in my shoulders, the rigid stance that my body had taken. It did help somewhat, forcing me to take in a deep breath and attempt to calm myself, yet the more they approached, the more I felt anxious.

It was supposed to be our night, but it was clearly just going to be another situation where we had to pretend.

“What are you two doing here?” Moyo asked when they got to our table. His voice was curious as he eyed our nice-looking clothes, ones that were clearly worn to make an effort.

“Could ask you the same question.” Sander replied, gesturing between the two of them, “What’s all this?”

The two of them shared an easy glance, still grinning at one another.

“We’re actually on a date.” Noor informed us, shrugging, “After you told me about Moyo, I decided to message him, and we actually really hit it off. So, we’ve been out a few times. It’s still early days, though.”

“We should totally join you!” Moyo said, grinning.

“Um, uh, no!” I cried, “I mean, um… We wouldn’t want to ruin your date.”

My protests fell on deaf ears, the two of them sliding into the other empty chairs at our table. I silently cursed out the waiter for directing us to a table of four instead of two. Not that they would have known, but I wanted someone to blame, and it was easy to pin it on them.

“It’s not like this is our first date anyway.” Noor replied, giggling a little. “It’s all good. This should be fun, all of us hanging out together!”

“Yeah.” Sander said, his tone a little grumpy. “So much fun.”

Safe to say, it was not.

The awkwardness around the table was palpable. While we had started off relatively well, cracking a few jokes while we ordered food and drinks, as the evening went on it became harder to try and pretend. It was not the evening that Sander and I had expected, and our lack of enthusiasm seemed to rub off on the others, making a stale silence mingle in the air as we nervously sipped our drinks.

It seemed like none of us really knew what to say, which was weird considering we were all such good friends. There was just such a divide between us, and it made me really uneasy.

Thankfully, I felt Sander’s feet tangling with mine underneath the table, prompting me to look at him properly in the eyes. I had been trying to avoid his gaze, since I did not want to draw suspicion between the two of us, but Noor and Moyo seemed pretty wrapped up in whatever silent conversation they were having anyway, so I tried to relax.

“It’s ok.” Sander mouthed, tapping his foot against mine three times in quick succession.

That made me smile. We had been watching TikToks together a while back and came across this one woman who was talking about unspoken forms of love confessions that she has with her husband. They both expressed their love in different ways, him taking a more physical approach instead of saying the words out loud. Three taps essentially meant ‘I love you’. And while I was sure that Sander did not mean that literally, since we had never said those words to one another before (in the romantic sense), I appreciated the sentiment.

Moyo cleared his throat, breaking the silence. When I turned to look his way, I noticed they were both staring back and probably had been for a little while.

“So…” he said, “We were just saying, it is such a coincidence that you guys are here at the same time as us!”

I noticed that there seemed to be a slightly weird tone to his voice, not that I dwelled for too long on it. Moyo was always like that, trying to make the conversations more interesting by being overdramatic. I was sure it didn’t mean anything.

“Mhm, yeah it is pretty crazy.” Sander replied, still as chill as ever. “We all got to eat here together though, so it worked out pretty well, right?”

Noor nodded, smiling, “You’re right. But you never actually said what you two are doing here. Is it a special occasion? We didn’t miss your birthday or something, right?”

My boyfriend shrugged, leaning back a little in his chair as he spoke.

“Nope, I don’t think it’s really a special occasion of such. Wouldn’t you say, Robbe?”

I just shook my head along with him, not wanting to say too much and derail whatever story he was spinning.

“Robbe has just had such a busy schedule recently, I thought I would take him out and take some of the stress off. Obviously, my treat though, making him pay wouldn’t be getting rid of stress now, would it?”

And damn. He was so stubborn, it seemed like he was going to pay that bill, even if it killed him. I had to admire his dedication to the cause.

I rolled my eyes at him fondly, eliciting a grin from his smug face. He knew exactly what he was doing, after all. He was nothing if not someone who kept their word.

“Ahh, I see.” Moyo said, locking eyes with Noor as he spoke, “That’s nice of you. I have to say, I have been stressed lately, too. Wanna stretch to my bill as well?”

Sander chuckled, “Not a chance, sorry dude. You’re on your own with that one.”  

“Worth a shot.” He shrugged.

I was still a little on edge, but the reassuring pressure of Sander’s foot against mine stopped me from completely spiralling for the rest of the night. And the frequent kind glance he cast my way helping to warm my heart.

***

“So much for a great first date.” I sighed.

Sander and I were walking down the street, hand in hand. We had all left the restaurant, going our separate ways to get home and I hated to admit it but them leaving filled me with an immense amount of relief.

I no longer had to pretend that Sander was just my friend. I could hang off his arm and giggle at his jokes and look at him as longingly as I wanted without fear of being caught out by Noor and Moyo. I loved the two of them to pieces, but the whole night I had been longing for them to leave.

“Yeah… Not really the thing we had been hoping for, right?”

I scoffed, “Understatement of the century.”

“Hey, all is not lost.”

“What are you talking about? The date is over, isn’t it?”

Sander looked across at me, smirking, “You think too little of me, Robin.”

“What do you mean?”

“You really thought this was it? Please, who do you take me for?”

I couldn’t help but smile at that. He was most likely just making up some plans, trying to figure things out as he went along to make up for the others crashing our date. But I didn’t care, it was honestly touching that he cared enough to try and make the whole night special, despite the setbacks.

“My mistake.” I replied, “What are we doing, then?”

“Oh, you’ll see. Come on!”

He grasped my hand tighter and began walking at a more brisk pace down the street, dragging me along with him. Not that I wasn’t one hundred percent willingly following along, I was just thrilled to be part of whatever journey he was taking me on.

Being with Sander was just like a movie. I had felt like a side character my entire life, merely just existing as others around me lived their lives with their lives to the max. Yet with my boyfriend… I felt like I was flying, soaring. Finally feeling like everything was slotting into place, my heart so fully that it was about to burst. It was like I had finally reached main character status, my life turning into this insane rom-com, and I was loving every second.

As it turned out, the place Sander was taking me to was the street overlooking the river and the Waagnatie building.

He lifted himself up onto the ledge, making himself comfortable and fishing a pair of headphones out of his pocket.

All I could do was stand there and beam at him. 

“Well, are you coming?” he asked when he turned around to look at me, eyes twinkling.

I walked forwards, shaking my head in disbelief, “You remembered.”

“Of course, I remembered.”

Climbing up and sitting next to him, I took one of the headphones from him and placed it in my ear, smiling in recognition when Bowie began playing.

It was something we used to do when we were at school, coming to sit there together to study or just to hang out at the weekends. I would ride there on my skateboard and sometimes do some tricks in that general area as Sander practiced his drawing, which was something he was actually really good at. He once even contemplated a career solely doing art, though he eventually switched to photography and editing.

For a long time, we called it ‘our place’. Two teens considering it a haven, despite it being quite a busy spot.

“We haven’t been here in a while…” I observed.

“Hmm, yeah life kind of got in the way for a while, huh?”

“It has a funny way of working itself out though.”

I could see Sander looking at me out the corner of my eye, though I continued to look ahead.

“You know…” he said, “I always wanted to paint something on that wall.”

“On the Waagnatie?”

“That’s the one. It just seemed way too empty.”

“So, what would you have put on it?”

Sander let out a slight laugh, “Well, I was a stupid teenager, so probably something about a passing craze I was having at the time. But now? If I did it, I would most definitely put a massive mural of your face. That’s what Antwerp is missing, I think.”

I nudged him in the side, cackling, “You’re such an idiot. There is no way you’d actually do that!”

“Maybe not, the vandal life isn’t too appealing anymore. Maybe in one of those parallel universes I do, though. This massive piece… With intense colours that capture how much I adore you.”

“Oh yeah?”

I took his hand in mine, tangling my fingers with his as I rested my head on his shoulder. On instinct, he leant his head on mine, making my lips stretch into an even bigger smile.

“Well, I adore you too.”

Chapter Text

It was a few days after my date with Robbe. It had been a bit rocky to begin with, what with their being a couple of uninvited guests crashing our night. I could tell that Robbe was unable to relax for the entirety of the meal and it sent a pang through my heart that he felt so uncomfortable. Especially since it was supposed to be a time when we could just enjoy being with one another and just do what every other normal couple could.

Once we were out of there, it was one thousand times better, like a weight had been lifted off my boyfriend’s shoulders. We wandered around the streets for a while, as I tried to think of something else that we could do together, until it hit me. I took him to our old hang out spot, the place where we used to go when we were in high school. It was kind of weird because nothing had changed but, at the same time, everything was different.

We were still those two boys listening to music, enjoying one another’s company. Yet, there were all these uncovered feelings that made everything so much better, in a way.

I was at a coffee shop down the street from Robbe’s flat, picking up some drinks to take round there. Probably some small cakes too, if I was being perfectly honest with myself. They always just looked too good not to pick up one… Or three.

“Fancy seeing you here.” A voice said from behind me.

When I turned around, I came face to face with Robbe’s roommate. He was grinning at me widely, eyes glistening with something that I couldn’t place, holding a takeaway coffee cup in his hand.

“Hey, Milan!” I greeted, enthusiastically. “How are you doing?”

“I’m good, I’m good.” he replied, a smirk on his face. “I’m actually just on my way to the gym.”

“Oh yeah?”

Milan nodded, “Mhmm, it’s nice to stretch and lift, y’know? I quite like to squeeze things…”

I tittered a little nervously, I was used to Milan being flirty and blasé, it wasn’t anything that I had not witnessed before.

“Ha, yeah that must be nice. You enjoy that. Must be a lot of eye candy at the gym too, right?”

“There is.” He confirmed, “But… They aren’t really the thing on my radar right now.”

I nodded as I moved up a little in the queue, “Huh, really? May I ask why?”

Suddenly, he looked uncharacteristically shy, bringing his hand to nervously scratch the back of his neck. I didn’t think I’d ever seen Milan acting so unsure. He was always such a confident and loud person, not caring what people thought and just being his own authentic self.

“Milan, what’s going on?” I asked, gently. “You can tell me.”

He continued to look incredibly nervous, biting his bottom lip.

“Actually, you are the one person that I can’t tell this to… And the one person that I want to the most.”

“Milan, c’mon, it’s me! We’re friends, you can talk to me.”

“Ok, well it’s just… Have you ever… Just that… You know sometimes you’re looking for something and you don’t realise that it’s standing there right in front of you, waiting to buy some coffee?” He gave me a meaningful look, eyes widened slightly as he peered at me. “Sorry, did I say too much?”

“I…”

“You look really good in that jacket by the way.” His hand came and lightly squeezed my arm, his eyebrow lifting a little in appreciation. “Just something to think about. I know I will…”

“Milan, what-” I started, but before I could really figure out what was happening, his touch had gone, and he was bidding me farewell. He rushed out of the shop before I could get so much as one more word out, leaving me to stand there and gape, wondering what on earth had just happened.

***

The rest of the day went on, and I had pretty much forgotten about our weird encounter. Robbe and I hung out, watching movies on his computer, and cuddling in his bed, him laying pretty much on top of me for the entirety of the day, which made it pretty hard to focus on anything else. That was, until Robbe and I started joking around with one another.

“You’re really cute, did you know that?” he said, tickling my slightly underneath my chin to try and elicit a reaction, “How did you get so cute?”

“Well,” I replied, attempting to bat his hands away, “I never actually told you this, but my great, great, great, great grandma was actually a tiny little fairy.”

He burst into peals of giggles, “Ok, now you’re even cuter!”

That was the thing that reminded me of the strange situation with his roommate earlier on. The touching and smiling and the odd conversation that seemed a lot like flirting, though not the joking type that I was entirely used to, coming from him.

“You know… That is a popular opinion today, I must say.”  

Robbe leant back a little, looking at me with slight confusion. Not that I thought what I was about to tell him would help end that at all.

“What do you mean?”

“I was grabbing our coffees before I came here, and I ran into Milan.” I told him, “He was just acting kind of strange… I don’t know, it seemed like he liked me. Like, not in a platonic way.”

To my surprise, Robbe only shook his head, letting out a small laugh, “Yeah, that’s not possible.”

“Ok, ouch?” I scoffed, “Just a small reminder, I am your boyfriend. If anything, it’s an insult to your taste.”

“Sorry, sorry, it’s just that Milan has never thought about you like that. Sure, he teases, but he has always said you had never really been his type. Not that you aren’t incredibly attractive, baby.”

“Robbe, I’m telling you,” I insisted, “He was grabbing my bicep and telling me about all the things he was going to squeeze at the gym!”

“Maybe you just misunderstood him.” Robbe said, shrugging slightly, “Milan is always a touchy person, he was probably just being friendly, and you interpreted it as something else.”

I mean, it would make a lot of sense. A lot more sense than Milan suddenly having a crush on me, but I had never seen him acting like that, it was like he was an entirely new person. And Robbe wasn’t there when it happened, after all, so how could he really say what was happening for sure?

“San, are you disappointed that Milan wasn’t flirting with you?”

“What? No!”

“I should hope so, too.” He said, the corners of his mouth twitching into a smile, “l thought I’d been giving you all the affection you needed.”

I grasped hold of his face lightly, bringing him closer to me so that our noses were brushing together in a gentle caress.

“You have.” I confirmed, “You’re the only source of affection I need, Robin.”

I bestowed what I thought would just be a short, sweet kiss on my boyfriend’s lips. Though clearly, he had other ideas, rolling so that he was completely on top of me, straddling my waist as he kissed me with passion. Like he had been craving it, dying of thirst and my lips were the only source of hydration.

Not that I was complaining whatsoever. I was just happy to be a recipient of Robbe’s love, laying there and welcoming any amount me was willing to give me.

So, I put the whole Milan thing behind me, basking in the affection that I was being given and enjoying every bit of the time I was spending with my boyfriend. It was hours later that I got a brutal reminder, one that came crashing into me – in the literal sense.

Robbe and I were in the kitchen, grabbing some food, as we had been huddled up in his room for far too long and needed to eat something at some point. Not that either of us had been particularly thrilled to untangle ourselves from the gentle embrace we had managed to curl up in. But the rumbling sounds of our stomachs crying out became too much for us to ignore after a certain point.

It was at that point that Milan came home, skin shining with sweat and hair sticking up every which way. He instantly came and plastered himself to my side, pulling me into a hug as he greeted us both.

“Hey.” Robbe replied, not batting an eye as he continued to make food.

I wriggled away, though slowly so that I would not seem unkind.

“How was your workout?” I asked, smiling politely.

Milan eyed me with interest, eyes glittering, “Ah, you’ve been wondering huh? Thinking about me at the gym, those hot and sweaty bodies-”

“He was just trying to be nice,” Robbe interrupted, shaking his head at his roommate and chuckling. “Don’t be weird about it. Those are clearly your fantasies, not Sander’s.”

“Well, you’re not wrong there…” Milan said, determinedly keeping his eyes locked on me.

I couldn’t help but gape. How could I hide my surprise when he was being so blasé about it? I mean, I of course knew that the taller boy was never ashamed of his desires, but to be flirting with me in front of Robbe seemed a new level for him, especially since I was his best friend. Not that Robbe seemed to be taking much notice, no matter how much I was silently begging him to take note of the situation, to confirm that I wasn’t imagining the whole thing.

“You should definitely think about joining me down there sometime, Sander.” he continued, “It would be fun, don’t you think? We could spot each other.”

“Sander at the gym?” Robbe piped up, his tone filled with laughter. “Yeah, right. That would be the day that pigs fly.”

“Damn, IJzermans, you don’t have to be so mean about it!” I pouted.

I could tell that he was about to do what he normally did. To bring his hands up to gently cup my face and make my frown disappear by pressing his smile against me. And truthfully, I wanted nothing more – it certainly would have made Milan back off. But that was also why he couldn’t do it. We couldn’t kiss in front of his roommate, not yet.

Taking a step back, I cleared my throat, making Robbe startle back into the reality of the situation too. I noticed the disappointment on his face, and it was like a stab in my chest, but there was nothing I was able to do with Milan standing right there.

“Nah, see I think it would do him good.” Milan said, taking a step closer to me and placing his hand on my shoulder, gently trailing his hand down my arm. “Not that you particularly need to go. But it would definitely enhance your features.”

I cleared my throat again, “I think I’m ok… Thank you, though.”

He shrugged, seeming unbothered, “Alright, suit yourself.”

Milan quickly reached over to the counter, stealing one of the croques Robbe had been making (he had insisted on learning how to make them himself, instead of always relying on me to cook for the two of us). He was quick enough to miss my boyfriend’s hand flying at him, taking a big bite in defiance.

“See you later, I’m gonna go have a shower.” He announced, winking at me quickly as he slapped my butt with the hand not holding the food. I jumped in surprise, though found myself unable to say anything in response as he waltzed out of the kitchen and into his room.

Looking at my boyfriend, I waved my hands wildly in the air, gesturing in the direction that Milan had just disappeared.

“Now do you see what I’m talking about?” I whispered, “Please tell me you saw all of that with the looks and the touching?”

Thankfully, Robbe looked just as bemused as I did, his eyes wide with shock.

“Actually yeah, I did…” He replied, making me sigh in relief.

“So, now do you believe that he is attracted to me?”

To me that felt like an undeniable fact at that point. That wasn’t even me trying to be big headed and making out that everyone found me irresistible. Purely just from the facts, Milan clearly seemed to have a thing for me. I had no idea why he would suddenly start acting on it, but the situation spoke for itself.

Instead of agreeing again, however, Robbe merely gasped, lowering his voice even more when he spoke so that Milan wouldn’t hear us.

“Oh my god… He knows!”

“What?”

“Milan, he knows about us!”

“Are you serious?” Not that I have any reason to think Robbe would joke about something like that, but I had to make sure.

He nodded resolutely, “Yes! Milan knows and he is trying to freak us out. That is the only explanation for the way he has been acting.”

I blanched a little, “The only explanation?”

Robbe smiled fondly at me, despite the slightly panicking situation.

“Look, I’m not saying you aren’t totally attractive and that I can’t believe people would swoon at the sight of you.”

I raised an eyebrow, “Ok… So, what are you saying then? Because I’m sensing a but.”

“Just that… Doesn’t it seem odd to you that Milan would start acting this way all of a sudden? He has never expressed an interest before, not to you or me. And if he had a crush, he would no doubt be blabbing to me about it, whether I wanted to hear about it or not. This just seems very calculated, like he wanted to elicit a reaction…”

“Actually, that does make a lot of sense.” I said, biting my lip nervously.

“And I don’t want to incriminate your friend or anything but… Someone else did find out recently. The timing just seems very convenient, don’t you agree?”

The realisation seemed to crash over me like a wave, almost pushing me down onto the ground with the crushing weight of it on my shoulders.

“You’re right.” I nodded, our faces both mirroring the same amount of shock. “He knows.”

Chapter Text

After the almost debilitating shock of figuring out Milan knew about my relationship with Sander, the two of us agreed that we needed to go and interrogate Younes. He was the only other person that knew, and since neither of us had gone and blabbed, he was the only person who would have been able to spill the secret. It was a little confusing since I didn’t know they even knew each other, but there seemed to be no other explanation for it.

He looked completely confused when the two of us stormed into his room, annoyance written all over our faces.

“Um, excuse me, has knocking become an outdated tradition?” he asked, scowling, “What if I was doing something embarrassing? Do either of you particularly want to witness something you shouldn’t?”

“It would certainly be payback for you walking in on us.” Sander replied, voice just as snarky, “We came in here because we need to ask you something.”

“Ok.” He said, his face not betraying any hints of guilt, “What’s up?”

I crossed my arms over my chest haughtily, “Milan, my roommate, knows about us.”

“Was it anything to do with you?”

Younes scoffed, “I told you I would keep your secret, didn’t I? I didn’t tell him, or the others.”

Sander and I exchanged wary glances at his words. Younes didn’t seem to realise what he had just let slip, but neither of us had missed the clear implications of his sentence.

“Others?” My boyfriend asked, warily. “What others?”

The dawning realisation hit him like a truck, eyes widening at an alarming rate as he stared at us in silence. I assumed he was trying to figure out a way to claw his way out of the hole he made for himself, but to no avail. We weren’t letting him off easily.

“Just Milan…” he mumbled, “And me. I’ve been having some pretty lengthy thoughts about you two in my head.”

“Spare us your jerk off material.” Sander spat, making both me and Younes come out with affronted noises. “We aren’t that stupid, who else did you tell?”

The curly haired boy sighed in resignation, “Fine… It was Noor… And Moyo.”

I felt like I was about to pass out with the shock of it. It seemed like everyone was finding out. Next it would be Amber, Aaron, Jens, Jana, our families… The entire world would watch us sneaking around and laugh uproariously behind our backs at how incredibly stupid we were for thinking we were being so slick.

Sander probably noticed my reaction, as he came closer, placing his hand on my back and rubbing comforting circles there as he continued to rip into his roommate.

“Ok, so how did this all come about?” he asked, a clear edge to his voice, “Did you tell them on your own accord?”

“No! Of course, I didn’t. I told you I wouldn’t tell anyone, and I kept my word. They came to me talking about it. Apparently, they had dinner with you guys? And they were certain that you were together, they pieced it all together by themselves. Ok, yes, I confirmed it which maybe I shouldn’t have… But they were ninety eight percent there.”

That goddamn dinner. I knew I sensed a tone in Moyo’s voice that night. We should have just escaped when we had the chance instead of being stuck there and being on display for them to dissect our entire relationship over a three-course meal.

“And what about Milan?”

Younes shrugged, “Beats me, I don’t really know the guy. We haven’t met in person before. Noor and Moyo mentioned him when we were talking, apparently he’d been suspicious too.”

“So, his suspicions were confirmed by them, I’m assuming.”

“More than likely. You know how Noor can be with gossip.”

“Awesome.” I grumbled.

“On the bright side,” Younes said, “Doesn’t this mean you two can just come clean now? So many people know that it doesn’t entirely make sense to keep it under wraps.”

Sander scoffed, “Just because you think it’s alright to go confirming our relationship, doesn’t mean Robbe and I were willing or ready to.”

He nodded, looking apologetic, “You’re right, it was wrong of me, I should have denied it no matter what they thought they knew. For what it’s worth, I am really sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

My boyfriend only sighed, looking away from him, “Not right now, Younes. I have to go and figure out what to do about this whole mess.”

He took my hand, practically dragging me away and into his own room, locking us both away behind his door.

I could tell just how affected he was by the entire situation. Maybe not people finding out, but the fact that they were gossiping. It was just what we were afraid would happen. The meddling, the messing around where they didn’t belong. It just proved that we had been right all along to keep things a secret, though it brought be no satisfaction to be correct.

We sat down on Sander’s bed, facing one another.

“Are you alright?” I asked, gently.

He scoffed under his breath, “I’m fine… Just a little annoyed, to be honest. This whole thing is just ridiculous.”

“Yeah, I know. Maybe we should just talk to them all about it? Let them know that it wasn’t ok?”

To my surprise, Sander shook his head, “No.”

“No?”

“No.” he confirmed, “If they want to go playing games, I say we give them a taste of their own medicine.”

I looked at him in slight confusion, “How would we do that?”

“They don’t know that we know they know, right?”

It took a little while to unravel the logistics of his sentence in my head, but once I understood what he was saying I nodded along in agreement.

“So how about we mess with them a little? Go along with whatever twisted little games they come up with and get them to crack first. They can only go on for so long without saying anything to us, can’t they?”

I found myself smiling wickedly as he spoke. It was genius, pure genius. If they wanted to mess with us, they could get it back with both barrels. There was no way that we were going to take their meddling sitting down.

“I say we go for it.” I replied, “And we have the perfect scenario to use.”

“What’s that?”

“Milan. You should text him right now and flirt with him, make it seem like you really reciprocated whatever act he was putting on for you.”

Sander smirked across at me, eyes sparkling as he let out a laugh, “Robin, I have to say, I am loving this colour on you. Who knew you could be so devious?”

“Yeah, well, you mess with me? You gotta face the consequences.”

“I’m not gonna lie, this whole act is really working for me.” he teased, eyes filled with mischief.

I merely giggled, “Text Milan first, get it over with… Then I’m game for whatever you’re thinking.”

“What makes you say that? I wasn’t thinking anything, I was just making an observation.”

His tone was innocent enough, but I knew better than to take it at face value.

“Don’t even try and fool me, Driesen. It’s never just an observation with you, I can tell from your eyes. But if you send this text… Maybe I’ll comply.”

It was almost laughable how quickly Sander fished the phone out of his pocket after he heard what I said.

Together we drafted the perfect message, enough to show Sander’s interest and what we hoped would be enough to lure Milan in without him thinking it was a trap and allowing him to figure out that we knew. We made it flirty, making sure that the message would come across loud and clear – that Sander wanted him. In what way? That was a little ambiguous, left entirely up Milan interpretations, which was probably predictable. But the intent to make things more than friendly was one hundred percent there.

It would surely be enough to make him back down, sensing that whatever he was doing would cause a rift between us, considering he knew we were dating. Why would he continue to jokingly flirt with my boyfriend if he thought even for a second that Sander would reciprocate?

“You are an evil mastermind.” Sander praised, making me smile.

“Why, thank you.”

“Now, what was that you mentioned about complying?”

He launched himself in my direction without any warning, effectively pinning me down on the mattress in a matter of seconds. I could feel his body pressed against me, every place we were touching making tingles appear on my skin. I knew that Sander would always have that effect on me. It wouldn’t matter how long we were together, how many times he touched me, I would always react the same way… With complete awe.

I raised my head expectantly, a clear sign that I was awaiting a kiss – practically begging for it. I truly was at his mercy, lying underneath him as he surveyed me. Yet, instead of complying with my wishes, he of course decided to tease.

Sander trailed small pecks all the way from my collarbone and up my neck, taking his time to make sure all the skin was given the same amount of appreciation. He was most likely aware of how much it was affecting me, the goosebumps that appeared on my skin a dead giveaway. Not that I particularly wanted to hide it or could for that matter. I was completely powerless against his charms.

Just as his mouth inched closer and closer to mine, the anticipation getting to me in ways I didn’t even know was possible, the obnoxious sound of Sander’s ring tone rudely interrupted us. It broke through the haze that had filled the room and shattered the mood almost completely.

“Who is it?” I mumbled, giggling a little as Sander continued with his ministrations, “San, who’s calling you?”

He sighed and pulled away slightly to look at the screen, “Milan.”

In an instant, I pushed him off my completely, almost making him slip off the other side of the bed with how hard I did it.

“Sorry!” I laughed, “But you have to answer.”

“Why? We were kind of in the middle of something.”

I shot him a look, “Because he’s probably answering your text message, now answer it! And put it on speaker.”

“Ok, ok.” he replied, picking up the phone and doing as I said. “Hello?”

“Hey, Sander!” Milan replied, his voice deepened in an obvious attempt to be sultry, “I just wanted to let you know I would be down to come over tonight… If you’re free?”

The look on Sander’s face was almost comical, though I couldn’t say I wasn’t mirroring it. I didn’t think that he would honestly continue with his little charade. Truly, I thought he was phoning to get the truth out of Sander, not to carry on flirting in his attempt to make us crack first. Because there was no way that would happen. If they were all messing with us, we would never fold first.

I nodded at my boyfriend when he looked unsure, encouraging him to agree.

“Oh, uh, really?”

“Absolutely, I was hoping you would suggest something like that.”

“You were?” He coughed, “Well… Yeah, I’d be happy to see you tonight.”

“Great! Shall we say around seven thirty at your place?”

“Yes, that works.”

“Good, I’m looking forward to it.” he said, “Us having sex has been long overdue, don’t you think?”

And before Sander could get another word out, the line promptly went dead, plunging the room into silence.

The panic on his face was palpable, his eyes staring at me with horror as he gaped, looking like he was silently screaming. I was sure if a sound came out, it would be blood curdling.

“You alright?” I asked.

“Am I alright? Did you not hear what he said? I don’t… What am I going to do?”

I placed my hand on his reassuringly, “Look, you won’t have to do anything, ok? He is gonna crack way before you do, trust me. He won’t let things escalate.”

“Robbe, this is Milan we’re talking about. He always takes dramatics to the next level. Why would he not treat this the same way?”

“Just… Try and stay calm. Everything is gonna be fine. We’re going to win whatever sick little game this is because we’ve got this far already. You and I are a way stronger team, we can stick it out until the end.”

Truthfully, I had no idea what nonsense I was saying, I was just trying to say something reassuring so that Sander wouldn’t go into a complete blind panic. Because then, we would both be drowning in the anxiety.

I was in completely unchartered territory. A secret relationship was one thing, but these mind games with my friends was another. I was just trying to keep it together so that I could keep some shred of composure through the whole thing.

“We’ve got this.” Sander nodded.

“Yeah,” I agreed, “We’ve got this.”

Were both of us lying? It was quite possible… But I knew we would give it a good try, regardless.

Chapter Text

“Are you sure about this?” I asked, shooting Robbe a nervous glance.

Realistically, I knew that I was the one who had started the whole idea of revenge… But I hadn’t truly expected my boyfriend to be so serious about it. Not that I wasn’t still on board with the plan, just that the idea of going head-to-head with Milan was more than a little nerve racking. We could both be very strong willed, so it was going to be an interesting turn of events, to say the least.

“Yes, and don’t worry, you’re gonna be great!” he reassured me, fixing my hair with his fingers, “Just make him think that you want to have sex with him – it’ll totally freak him out.”

“Will it, though? He was the one who suggested it in the first place.”

Robbe shrugged a little, “Maybe so, but he doesn’t expect you to reciprocate. It will catch him off guard, for sure.”

“Ok, you know him better than I do but… How far am I actually gonna have to go?” I chuckled, “I mean I don’t wanna cheat on you, Robbe.”

“Relax,” Robbe replied, rolling his eyes playfully. “He’ll give in way before you do – I know it. Remember, we are a stronger unit that him and the others… Since I’m assuming they are in on this little plot too. Now, go get some!”

He quickly pressed a kiss to my lips, one that was way shorter than I would have liked, before gently shoving me towards my door.

We had come up with a plan that he would stay in my room, listening to whatever goes on between me and Milan from there. It probably wasn’t the best solution if things were to progress between the two of us to the point that we needed to relocate (which I hoped it wouldn’t get to that point). Since he would see Robbe and know the stunt we were trying to pull.

I’d also kicked Younes out of the house for a few hours so, as far as Milan knew, we had the whole flat to ourselves.

I wandered out into the hall, letting out a shaky sigh when I heard the small knock at the door.

“Show time.” I mumbled underneath my breath, going to let him in.

“Milan, hi.”

“Sander.” he smiled, “Can I come in?”

“Of course, welcome to my humble abode.”

He sauntered past me, all confidence and swagger. There was no hint of nervousness on him whatsoever… If I hadn’t known any better, I would have thought Milan was genuinely into the whole idea of us together, that he was truly looking forwards to it.

There was no way of knowing if Milan could sense my own edginess. I tried to push it down and act as outgoing as he was, but it might not have been a successful attempt. My brain just couldn’t stop thinking on the fact that there was nobody I wanted to be with other than Robbe. Even pretending felt so wrong.

“I brought some wine; I hope that’s alright.” Milan said, holding it up and waving it around slightly.

“Yeah, that’s more than ok. I’ll grab some glasses and we can open it.”

The whole air of awkwardness only intensified from then on. We sat in the living room with our glasses of wine, sipping it whenever a silence fell over the room… So basically, we were constantly drinking. At the rate we were chugging it down, we would both be drunk in no time at all.

“So,” Milan said, smiling easily, “are you nervous?”

Could he really tell?

I shook my head, “Nope. Are you?”

“Definitely not. I want this to happen.”

“So do I…” I replied, trying to keep the same amount of enthusiasm in my voice, “Why don’t I, uh… Why don’t I put on some music?”

“Maybe I’ll dance for you.” He said.

I thought he was joking at first – which is why I let out a chuckle at his words. Yet, when I had turned on the music, letting it sound softly through the room, I looked back to find him moving in a way that I assumed was supposed to be seductive. I’m sure that for someone else, it would have been a very successful attempt, but for me it just felt entirely too odd. Seeing Milan in that way was always going to be impossible, especially after I started dating Robbe.

Not that I could express that, though. I had to pin a smile on my face, complimenting him as I pretended to be into his little show.

“Wow… You look good.”

He grinned, walking towards me with slow movements.

“Thank you.” He whispered, looking at me with intent, “You know when you say things like that… It just makes me want to rip your clothes right off…”

I gulped, “Um… You do?”

Milan hummed in response, “I do. So, how about we move this to the bedroom?”

“Wh… Really?”

“Yeah, unless you don’t want to?”

I could tell it was a ploy. He was fishing, trying to get me to back down… Well, I refused. He wouldn’t be able to beat me, beat us, that easily.

“No, no, that’s not it.” I insisted, “First I just wanted to take all of your clothes off and… And, uh, rub lotion all over you.”

It was a struggle not to cringe at my own words, to try and act like I believed everything I was saying. For a moment, it looked like even Milan was taken aback by my sudden brazenness, but he righted himself quickly eyes filled with something unknown.

“That would be nice.” He said softly, coming even closer and reaching towards me to cup my chin. “Maybe I’ll be able to do the same to you afterwards.”

My brain almost imploded at that. He was good at acting, I had to hand it to him… I just wished I wasn’t the one going up against him.

“Great, well, I’ll go and get the lotion then.” I stammered, backing away, and rushing down the hall, making sure he wasn’t watching me while I darted into my room.

Robbe looked at me with surprise when he saw me bursting in.

“What are you doing in here?”

“This is totally getting out of hand, ok?” I hissed; the panic clear in my tone.

There was only so much more I could do to deter Milan, to push back the inevitable turn the evening was going to take. I mean, both of us knew that it wouldn’t end in sex, but it was about who would break first… I didn’t know if I would be able to hold out much longer.

“He’s not backing down! He is down for us to rub lotion on each other!”

“He’s just bluffing.” Robbe tried to reassure me.

“Maybe, but he doesn’t show any signs of stopping. I don’t even think I’ve begun to test his limits!”

“You’re probably closer than you think.” He said, walking over to my bedside table and grabbing the lotion I kept inside, tossing it to me. “Now go and seduce him until he cracks!”

“Alright, bossy.” I huffed, “I just can’t wait for this whole thing to be over with… I want to show everyone how much I adore you.”

Robbe visibly softened, his cheeks turning an adorable shade of pink as he gazed at me. There was always some level of satisfaction that I felt whenever I made him blush, no matter how often it happened.

“Me too.” He confessed, quietly, “Now, go! Milan’s probably waiting for you.”

“Right. I’m off again, then.”

I jokingly saluted my boyfriend as I left, making him giggle a little as I pulled the door shut behind me.

To my surprise, when I walked back to Milan, I found him at the front door, hand poised at the handle as if he was about to open it. I allowed myself only a fraction of a second to celebrate the win before I started to speak.

“Oh,” I said, trying to sound disappointed but probably ending up more at relief. “Are you leaving so soon?”

He spun round, that same smirk pinned on his face, “Not without you, no. Wouldn’t even dream of it.”

“Well… Good.” I said, though I was silently cursing. “You should come closer; I found the lotion. We can finally put it to some good use.”

“Finally, I’ve been waiting for this moment.”

I nodded along, fighting the urge to throw the goddamn bottle of lotion at his head and run screaming from the flat. I didn’t even care that it was my place, I just wanted the whole thing to end, the situation was bordering on torturous.

“You’re telling me.” was what I said instead, “I’ve been waiting for this pretty much since I first laid eyes on you.”

And that seemed to stun him, if only for a moment.

“You have?”

“Mhmm, when Robbe first introduced us, I thought… Yeah, I want to…” I cringed a little before I finished the sentence, trying to force the words out. “I want to get up on that body.”

“Wow, uh, that’s hot.” Milan replied, “I thought the same about you.”

I smiled back at him, hoping that it didn’t look too close to a grimace.

“I’m… I’m, um, so happy we’re finally gonna have sex.”

“You should be.” Milan responded, advancing closer to me once more. He didn’t stop until his arms were wound around my waist, his mouth almost resting against my ear. “I’m very bendy.”

I shivered at his words, though it was down to the nervousness and not because I desired him so much that I could hardly contain myself. Hopefully Milan interpreted it the second way though. Maybe if he thought I was really into the idea, he would finally end whatever nightmare we were stuck in.

I let go of the bottle, allowing it to crash to the floor, in favour of resting my hands on his shoulders.

The two of us stared at each other, both seemingly stuck in a stalemate for what felt like hours but must have only been a few seconds.

“I’m gonna kiss you now.” Milan announced, as he tilted his head closer to mine.

And I didn’t know what else to do. Before I was really aware of what was happening, our mouths were fully pressed together, and just like the last time we had kissed (when I had practically leapt at him to keep mine and Robbe’s cover) there were absolutely no feelings there. Milan was an undeniably good kisser, but I couldn’t continue with the charade for even a moment longer, I didn’t even care that I had lost whatever battle we had entered into, I just couldn’t do it.

“No, no, no, no, no.” I repeated, shoving him off. Not that he needed telling, backing off with the first hint of my touch. “Milan, I can’t have sex with you.”

He looked at me with a satisfied expression, eyebrows raised, “And why not?”

“Because I’m in love with Robbe!” I cried.

His mouth dropped open, “You’re… You’re what?”

All of a sudden it was like everything had erupted. Robbe walked out of my room, while the front door opened and Noor, Moyo and Younes came flooding in (because of course, they had been listening in as well, I really should have known). Everyone was wearing the same look of shock on their faces. It would have been funny at any other moment.

For a few seconds, I didn’t even register what I had said, it just felt like the most natural thing in the world. Obviously, I had said it before, but never in that way. But I didn’t have any regrets. I meant what I had said, even though I had kind of blurted it out a little carelessly. I was completely in love with the bambi eyed, curly haired boy that I had known since we were teens. He was my soulmate, and it might have taken me a while to realise it, but it was true. I loved him with every ounce of my being.

“Yeah, that’s right.” I continued, “I love him. I love him!”

Robbe walked over to me, a smile steadily growing on his face.

“I love you, Robbe.” I said softly, when he was right in front of me, perfect eyes shining into mine.

He wound his arms around my shoulders, getting up on his tiptoes to rest our foreheads together.

“I love you too, Sander.” he whispered, before connecting our mouths in the gentlest kiss I think we had ever shared.

I had to admit, there was some level of relief that thrummed through me when I heard those words. Of course, I knew deep down how Robbe felt about me, but there was always some level of doubt that festers until there is actual clarification. Thankfully, his confession and the soft kisses he was pressing to my mouth were more than enough to make those thoughts disappear instantly.

We pulled away, turning to face our friends, who were still frozen, their face still conveying their surprise.

“I thought you guys were just casual!” Milan gasped, a proud twinkling in his eyes. “I had no idea you were in love!”

“I did!” Noor said, beaming, “I figured they were more than casual with the way they were looking at each other.”

“And with the way they were tangling their feet together the whole night.” Moyo added, looking at Robbe pointedly. “You had mine for about half of it, by the way.”

I hear my boyfriend softly groan at that, and I did not even have to look at him to know the colour of his face had turned similar to a strawberry.

Younes let out a laugh, “Yeah, well I think I have all of you beat. I knew way before anyone. Clearly that just means I’m much more observant and smarter than everyone.”

“Hardly.” I scoffed, “You walked in on us! Even a completely stupid person would have figured it out from that.”

He pouted, “I still found out first, don’t take away my victory.”

“Well, since you’ve brought up the whole ‘finding out’ thing.” Robbe said, sounding a little stern, which made them blanch a little. I almost laughed at that, knowing that he was mostly joking around with his tone. He wasn’t actually angry with them, but he did want them to take him seriously. “We wanted to set some boundaries from here on out.”

They all nodded sincerely, all uncharacteristically quiet for once. I think they sensed that the fun and games had kind of come to an end.

“I think that you guys went a little over the line with your investigations.” He said, while I nodded along. “I get that this was all a little bit of fun, but we were trying to figure out our relationship on our own time. It was hard enough hiding things without you all trying to muscle in.”

Noor looked incredibly guilty, “I’m sorry guys… I really should have just kept things to myself when I thought I’d figured it out. Gossiping about it and talking to Milan and Younes wasn’t cool of me.”

“Agreed.” Milan said, “I should have kept my distance and encouraged these guys to do the same. Even if we suspected things, we should have waited for you to come to us instead of attempting to pry the information from you.”

“From now on we won’t play any more games.” Moyo added, “We’ll try not to pressure you into anything anymore.”

Younes started chuckling, “I do not have a problem with leaving you guys to it. I am still very much scarred from what I saw.”

Robbe followed suit, giggling slightly as he pointed as accusatory finger.

“In our defence, you were sleeping, and you never knocked on the door!”

“It’s my flat! Why do I have to knock?”

I scoffed, “Because it’s my room.”

The other looked on at our light bickering with amused expressions and laughing eyes. Clearly, they were enjoying the little display we had going on, glad they were no longer in the firing line for their antics.

“Maybe we should just sneak out now, while they are on another topic?” Milan whispered, though slightly raised so that we could all hear him.

“No need,” I said, smiling at my roommate, “Me and Younes can continue this later.”

“And will Robbe be attending this little conversation?” Younes asked, “Because if so, can I please request you both keep your clothes on?”

“You act like we’re completely naked all the time-”

Robbe placed his hand on my shoulder, gently shushing me as a coy smile played on his lips.

“Yes, Younes, we’ll keep our clothes on.”

“Good.” he grinned, “Glad we came to that understanding.”

“Idiot.” I mumbled, though I couldn’t help but mirror his expression.

We all moved on from that point onwards, just hanging out as we normally did and having a great time as we laughed and talked for hours. And through it all, Robbe and I sat together, our fingers intertwined, his legs lazily slung over mine. It was all I had wanted, just to exist with my boyfriend. Not to be obnoxiously making out with him every moment (although I wouldn’t complain if we were), but just to be able to show that I care for him and him for me.

Just sitting on that sofa with him, surrounded by our friends… I could have stayed there forever quite easily.

Chapter Text

Considering the first time we told people about us there was a whole bunch of mind games involved, letting everyone else know that Sander and I were dating went quite easily.

The two of us deliberated over it for a little while, wondering what the best way would be. We didn’t want to be going around and making small announcements to every single person we knew. Not because we weren’t totally happy to talk about how much we loved each other, but because it would be a completely complicated and long story that we would have to repeat however many times. So, in the end, we just decided to get it all over with in one go with an Instagram post. We would likely still have to tell people more details individually, but at least our relationship would no longer be a secret to anyone.

Sander and I both posted the same picture on our accounts. It was one of us lying in bed, cuddled up in each other’s arms with blissed out expressions on our faces. It perfectly captured how we felt about each other without any words at all, displaying our devotion and love for all to see.

On my caption I put ‘Him ❤’ and on Sander’s he put ‘My Robin’. We were aware of how cheesy and cliché it was but frankly we didn’t care. We had spent far too long cooped up and sneaking around in the shadows. Frankly, showing off a bit was far overdue, and if other people didn’t like it… Well, that was their problem, not ours.

The response was instantaneous, our phones blowing up with notifications from our friends as they excitedly congratulated us on our news.

Amber: Oh my god oh my god oh my god WHATTT

Zoë: You guys are the cutest!!!

Jana: Firstly WHEN?! Second congrats bbys

Jens: Finally getting some, good for you

Senne: Happy for you two

Aaron: Cool picture

Of course, there was the whole ‘oh my god, we knew it all along’ comments too (which were totally false because if even we didn’t know, how could they?) and a whole load of gushing but it was actually really nice. I thought telling people would be this whole rigmarole of our friends sticking their noses in, but their happiness was far too contagious to even worry about it. All I found myself doing that day was staring at all of the lovely messages my loved ones had sent and being so grateful that I had so much love in my life.

“How are you feeling, Robin?” Sander asked, after we had been sat in a comfortable silence for a while.

I looked across at him, reaching out and taking his hand in mine, slowly tangling all our fingers together.

“I’m doing so great.” I said, softly, “How could I not be right now when I have literally everything I could ever want?”

“You mean it?”

I was pretty sure Sander meant for the words to sound like a joke, but it came out quite sincere. So, I replied as such. I wanted him to know that he shouldn’t have any doubts, no matter how small.

“Of course, I mean it. I have the job I always dreamed of, amazing friends, and the most incredible, sweet, thoughtful guy on the planet. I’ve got my soulmate, so yeah, I’m doing great.”

His face lit up in the most beautiful of smiles. I really didn’t think I had ever seen a more gorgeous face. Sander was like a literal ray of sunshine, and not just because of his hair. Just his inner sparkle, his joy, his brightness. Everything about him was just so lovely, it was impossible not to catch happiness from him.

“I love you.” He told me, so quiet it was like a confession.

“Is that so?”

“Mhmm… Anything you want to tell me?”

I pondered on that for a moment, pretending to really think about it.

“Umm, not that I can recall, no.”

Sander snorted, “You are such an idiot, IJzermans.”

“Oh, I am? Guess I won’t say what I was going to then…”

“No!” my boyfriend whined, rolling to the side and laying almost completely on top of me, bringing his face so that it was inches away from mine. He knew what he was doing with that, there was no way that I would be able to resist him for long when he was in such close proximity. “What were you going to say? Tell me…”

“Nope.” I said, grinning.

He pouted, “Please?”

Giggling, I brought my hand up to his face, cupping his cheek.

“I was just gonna tell you that I love you too.”

Sander surged forwards, pressing his lips against mine in the gentlest of kisses. I really didn’t think I would ever tire of them, each one sending the greatest feeling through me. It was unlike anything I had ever felt before. Like a fire was slowly spreading through me, lighting me up in the best way. Making my heart race and causing butterflies to swarm round my stomach at the smallest of touches.

“You never fail to take my breath away.” Sander said, when he pulled away.

“What?” I said, a little confused. “I didn’t even do anything.”

“You don’t have to. Just lying there looking so beautiful is enough.”

I shook my head with the utmost fondness, “I swear you get more and more cheesy every day.”

“Quite possibly. I’ll never stop though.”

“Good.” I smiled.

His cheesy one liners were one of the reasons I loved him so much. The fact that he made me laugh so hard with brief words. The way he smiles when he said them because he knows that I would be cracking up seconds later.

“Oh, hey, my mum texted me a little while ago.” He said, one of his hands gently playing with my fingers.

“What did she say?”

“Just that Lily showed her our posts, so she is now even more adamant that the two of us need to go round for dinner.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you know how she gets.” Sander said, smiling a little, “Are you up for it?”

“Are you kidding? I am definitely going! Who in their right mind would turn down a dinner at the Driesen’s house?”

I used to go there all the time after school when Sander and I were revising for exams or just wanted to hang out together – sometimes we didn’t need the excuse of schoolwork. Every time without fail, Sander’s mum would be there with a welcoming smile and encouraging me to stay for a meal, making sure I never left her house on an empty stomach. In no time at all, their house became like my second home, and it was kind of sad that I hadn’t been round in literal years. I would be a fool to turn down the offer.

“Yeah? You know how they get though. My parents will be all nosy about us and ask so many questions. And without a doubt Lilly will be teasing like she always is… Though maybe more to me than you.”

“I’m aware.” I replied, “But I can’t wait.”

Sander raised an eyebrow, “Seriously? Are you thinking we’re going on some really fun trip? Because I hate to break it to you baby, it’s just a family dinner.”

“It is… But it’s also the first time you can introduce me as your boyfriend to your family. The first time we can actually do something as a couple. The first time we can just be together and not have to worry about a thing. Doesn’t that sound amazing? It’s like the first step to our forever.”

He laid his head on my shoulder, nestling impossibly closer.

“Well, when you put it that way, it does sound pretty great. And first step to our forever… Who knew you were such a poet?”

I let out a small laugh, “Only for you.”

“I should hope so too.”

“Well, who else? You’re my one and only, Sander Driesen.”

Sander pressed a small kiss to my neck, “Forever and always, Robbe IJzermans.”

Chapter Text

“Hey, Robbe.” Milan called, only waiting a beat before he poked his head round my boyfriend’s door.

I was used to that kind of behaviour now, the boys being so comfortable around one another that they felt ok with barging into their rooms with barely any care. Robbe pretended that he was annoyed by it, but I knew he was more amused by his roommate’s antics than he was bugged by them.

To be honest, I admired Milan’s courage. He had no idea what the two of us were doing behind that door, but he charged in anyway. Though even if he… Interrupted something, it would probably make Robbe more embarrassed than him.

"Hmm, yeah what's up, Milan?" Robbe muttered back, busy working at his desk. 

He had been editing for the majority of the day, his eyes glued to the screen. The amount of time he had been transfixed on the footage; it was a wonder his eyes hadn't turned into squares

Meanwhile, I was lounging on his bed, editing the pictures I had taken of him earlier. We hadn't been doing anything special, but he had looked too beautiful not to capture. The light had from the window had hit his face so perfectly, making him look like a literal angel… And who was I to ignore something like that? 

Milan leant against the doorframe, surveying the scene with a smile, "Zoe, Senne, and I are grabbing drinks tonight, you want to come?" 

Robbe peered over at me, his eyes filled with softness and familiarity, "What do you think?" 

"Yeah, why not? I'll be fun." 

He turned back to Milan to relay the news, even though he had been a witness to the entire conversation.

"Sure, we'll tag along-" 

"Tag along? We're the life of the party, babe." I grinned, making him chuckle. 

“Well, of course! That was never in question.”

“Ok.” Milan cut in, “Before you two start going off track… I’ll go let the others know you’re coming yeah?”

Robbe nodded at him, the curls shadowing his movements. I was always so mesmerised by his hair, the soft locks always so enticing. If I could constantly have my hands buried in them, lightly carding through and listening to the calming hum Robbe makes.

“Yeah, we’ll be there.”

“Cool! Be ready around eight and we’ll head down.” he told us, flashing a grin before he made a more than dramatic exit – involving a clap of hands, a twirl and the door closing with some force behind him.

Robbe barely batted an eyelid, knowing that it was just a regular occurrence in their flat, and went back to editing on his laptop. And while I loved looking at my boyfriend, his concentrated face ever so beautiful, there was only so much silence and time sat on my own that I could take.

I tossed my phone aside, shuffling onto the side of the bed nearest to where Robbe’s desk was situated. He seemed to ignore the racket I made as I moved about, continuing on with his work. That didn’t deter me though, only spurring me on in my quest to capture my boyfriend’s attention.

Tapping my feet on the floor, I began humming a David Bowie song. Now, while I would never claim to be a singer in any sense of the word, I could carry a tune – especially if the tune in question was one created by our lord and saviour Bowie. So, when I started to murmur the distinctive melody of ‘Rebel Rebel’, it immediately caught Robbe’s attention. Though he didn’t turn around, the slight pause he took did not go unnoticed. It was only when I proceeded with the song, getting louder and more enunciated as I went along, that my boyfriend could no longer force himself to act like he couldn’t hear me.

He turned around at the exact right time, so I was able to sing the lyric as I stared into his gorgeous brown eyes – that were filled with a lot of confusion as well as laughter in that moment.

“Rebel Rebel, how could they know? Hot tramp, I love you so…”

“Alright, attention grasped.” Robbe sighed, pretending to be annoyed. “What is it you want exactly? I am a very busy man, you know.”

I pouted, “Too busy to give the love of your life some attention?”

“You are such a dork.”

“Am I? Hadn’t noticed.”

“Glad I could be the one to tell you, then.”

“Thanks so much.” I drawled, holding my arms out in a signal for a hug. “C’mon Robbe… You’ve been working for hours. You deserve a break!”

It was something Robbe did way too often without even realising. He loved his job, that was plain to be seen, but sometimes he got so excited about opportunities that he bit off more than he could chew. He would spend most of his available time holed up trying to get it all done to the best of his ability. And they always turned out incredible because Robbe was insanely talented at his job, but was it worth completely taking over his social life whenever he signed up for things? I wasn’t entirely convinced. There should be a balance between work life and relaxation, or else it was a slippery slope to overworking and unhappiness. One that I wasn’t keen on letting the person I loved most fall down.

He rolled his eyes, though there was a smile playing on his lips.

“It hasn’t been that long, San.” He insisted. But when he checked the time, his eyes widened. “Oh… I didn’t even realise.”

I raised an eyebrow, “So… Is that a yes to stopping work for today and coming for cuddles with your insanely attractive boyfriend?”

Robbe didn’t even waste time giving me a verbal reply. Merely closing his laptop as quickly as he could and bounding over, practically throwing himself into my awaiting hold. I flopped back onto the mattress, bringing him with me and holding him close to my chest. Robbe had no complaints about that, immediately beginning to pepper kisses wherever he could reach and gently cradling my face with his hands.

We found ourselves falling into a routine, a sort of thing that relied on muscle memory to carry us through. Many people would have assumed that meant our relationship had moved past that fun stage – the bit where you were all over each other all the time, intent on touching and having sex and stuff like that. But they would be totally wrong about that. While we had fallen into a sort of pattern, it just made things that much better. It was soft and familiar and safe… More comforting than any relationship I had ever been in yet so much more exciting.

Nobody had ever elicited such a reaction from me purely by running their hands along my skin. Nobody had ever been able to kiss me so dizzyingly. Nobody had ever made me completely melt with just a single look.

I think my parents noticed the difference in how I acted around Robbe compared to my other partners in the past, namely Britt. With her, I had been walking on eggshells, scared that the things I said would cause her to become annoyed. At any of the family dinners or parties I brought her too, I could tell that my parents had a look of concern in their eyes – especially my Mum, who had always been able to read me like a book. And Lily most of all hated her guts. They always butted heads and my sister was all too happy about it when I finally brought the news to them that we had ended things.

It was so different when I took Robbe home as my boyfriend. The whole vibe was just a million times better from the get-go. I could tell that my family was just genuinely happy to see him. They had missed seeing him a lot since we finished school and he stopped coming by to revise for exams and have an afterschool snack. And it was obvious that they were more than pleased with the romantic shift that our relationship had taken, quite literally welcoming him in with open arms, hugging him as soon as he stepped foot into the house.

The whole evening was just full of smiles and laughter and conversation that easily flowed throughout the entire evening. There was no point where either of us felt like we didn’t belong there or that my parents disapproved in the slightest. In fact, they were the ones that kept encouraging us to stay for one more cup of coffee before I took Robbe home. It was just such a wonderful time, and I couldn’t think of a single reason why we had waited so long to do it, to tell them about us. I mean, we obviously kept our relationship a secret for a reason, I’m just saying that we didn’t really have much to be afraid of in the end. Everyone was so supportive and loving and all stayed a good distance away from meddling after we had a conversation with them about it. It all just felt like such a relief.

“Hey.” Robbe whispered, his eyes searching mine, golden even though the light outside was dwindling, the sun merely a smear of yellow in the horizon. “What are you thinking about?”

“You.”

That was always the answer to that question, to be honest. How could my thoughts not always be filled with Robbe? He was quite literally the man of my dreams; it would be complete insanity for me to think of anything but the gorgeous curly haired man that had scrawled his name all over my heart.

He smiled at that, adorable lines mapping a path from his nose to his chin.

“Seriously though… What were you thinking about?”

I tucked a stray curl behind his ear, delighting in the pink blush that bloomed on his cheeks.

“I was being serious.” I told him, returning his smile. “I was just thinking about how amazing this entire thing has been… Like… I don’t think my life could get much better than this.”

Robbe raised his eyebrows in surprise, “You don’t think?”

“Nope. I mean, I have a job I love and the guy I love… How could it get better than that?”

“How did I never know how much of a romantic you were?”

“Ahh, that’s because you’d never entered the Sander Driesen boyfriend experience.”

“Oh, is that it? Damn, wasted all that time on subpar boyfriend experiences when I had the ultimate one standing right in front of me.”

I grinned, “Exactly.”

He leant down and pressed a kiss on my lips, one that was much too short for my liking but hey, a kiss was a kiss after all. And coming from Robbe? It was absolutely mind blowing, no matter the duration.

“I can’t wait to properly show you off later.”

I scoffed playfully, “Is that all I am to you, IJzermans? Eye candy?”

He smirked, “It certainly helps.”

And after that there was no more talking. I just pulled him back against me and took the kiss I always longed for when he was with me. One that I could feel all the way down to my toes, one that made me smile against his lips from the almost completely overwhelming feeling of love and desire that he filled me with.

It was also an efficient way of telling him just how much I loved him, because sometimes words just didn’t cut it.

***

If someone had told me at Jens and Jana’s wedding how things would have turned out, I don’t think I would have believed them. I think I would have just laughed it off and disregarded it without another thought… Yet, there I was, sat at a bar watching my boyfriend dancing with his friends, his dorky moves looking all the more enticing to me than they did that night. Watching him twirl around with Zoë and Milan, not a single worry weighing down on his shoulders, it really warmed my heart.

He was a sight to behold, and I seriously thought that any guy that had ever turned Robbe down should have been there to see what a big mistake they had made in doing so. Because he was the dream. He was the most lovely, beautiful, talented guy that I had ever known, and I was so incredibly lucky to be able to call him mine.

Someone cleared their throat beside me, dragging me out of my daze.

“Oh, hey Senne!”

He gave me a warm smile, “Hey.”

We fell into a slight silence, and I couldn’t help my gaze wandering back over to Robbe. It was just way too difficult not to have my eyes on him, to take in every single glorious moment.

Life just moved way too quickly for my liking, so I had to try and get as many mental pictures while I could – especially when taking actual physical copies was hard in that type of environment. I would have had to have gone into photographer mode to get those shots, but I wanted to live in the moment instead of feeling like I was working. Especially since I had told Robbe to take a break, after all.

“You’re really into him, huh?” Senne’s voice was incredibly fond when he spoke.

“I am, yeah.” I replied, a smile playing at my lips. “It’s hard not to be when he’s the greatest guy in the world, right?”

When I cast him a glance, I could see the approval on his face and the mirroring smile he tried to hide by taking a swig of beer.

“You know… I was here through all of the stuff with his ex, too.”

And that had my full attention, noticing the slightly serious tone the conversation had careered towards.

I nodded but said nothing, not wanting to cut him off when he was speaking. To be frank, I wasn’t entirely sure why Senne was even bringing it up, but I noticed that he was thinking a lot about his words, so I didn’t want to be disrespectful and cut him off by asking stupid questions.

“He went through it y’know? He never really knew whether he was coming or going with that guy… He just loved to play with Robbe’s feelings like their relationship was some sick mind game.”

“Yeah, I remember.” I muttered, my jaw tightening with the mere memory of that idiot that had messed with Robbe’s head.

Senne hummed in response, “So… You have to understand that I just want the best for him. I don’t want to see him get hurt again because Robbe is like a brother to me. All I want to do is protect him and make sure he has the best… It’s what he deserves, right?”

Aah, the big brother chat. I foolishly thought that I wouldn’t have to go through anything like that, since Robbe didn’t have any siblings. But it was idiotic of me to forget that he did. He had two, in fact. It was just that Milan was a lot more chill and accepting since he knew me better than Senne did.

Not that I minded at all that I was having the conversation. I loved that Senne cared enough about Robbe to do that for him. It was plain to see that he was doing it from a place of love and not just to be annoying or to drive people away.

I nodded again, “You’re right, he does. And I want to give him every single good thing that I can. He means the entire world to me, I’m so glad that he’s in my life.”

The slight sternness that had clouded Senne’s face disappeared once again, leaving only an approving smile in its wake.

“Yeah, I kind of figured that by the way you couldn’t stop ogling him.” he snorted, “I just had to make sure, you know?”

“No, no, I totally get it. It’s sweet that you did that for him, I’m sure he would appreciate it.”

Senne grimaced a little, “I’m not so sure about that… He’d probably be annoyed that I was interfering. He never let me say anything to that weasel, even when they broke up, so I doubt he’d be thrilled I was potentially gonna give you a hard time.”

“Eh, maybe at first he’d be annoyed but he would soon realise you were just trying to help, and it came from the goodness of your heart.” I said, smiling in Robbe’s direction and watching him lock eyes with me across the crowd. “He isn’t really one to hold a grudge.”

He chuckled at that, watching as Robbe advanced closer to us, weaving his way through the crowds to get to the bar.

“You’re right about that. He has the patience of a saint.”

“That’s true.”

Sometimes Robbe was a tad too forgiving, letting people back into his life before they even had time to grovel. But at the end of the day, that’s just who he was. He was a massive softie, a boy with a big heart… Of course, there were people who would try and take advantage, but for the people that genuinely cared about him, it just made Robbe that much more special.

It was at that point that he came barrelling into my side, leaning into my side as he grappled me with his hands, drunkenly giggling.

“You ok there?” I chuckled, snaking an arm round his waist. Partly because it was natural for us but also because there was a danger of him slipping over in his state.

He nodded, grinning from ear to ear as he gestured between Senne and me.

“What have you two been talking about? Was it me? It was me, right?”

“Bit full of yourself.” Senne snorted.

“Maybe…” Robbe said, considering the sentence for a moment. “But when you look like this, you earn the right to be.”

The older boy shook his head as he tried not to burst out laughing.

“Sander has really given you a big head, huh?” 

I shrugged a little, “Hey, I just speak the truth.”

Right before Senne and I could delve further into a discussion about Robbe’s beauty – which frankly was a conversation I was very interested in having – my boyfriend pressed a line of kisses on my cheek, effectively drawing all of my attention.

“You ok, babe?” I said, softly, tracing circles on his back.

“Mhm, I’m great… I’d be even better if you came and danced with me though.”

I turned to face him properly, nudging my nose against his gently.

“Oh yeah? You wanna dance with me?”

He grinned, “Of course, I do. I told you I always save a dance for my homies…”

I groaned at that, rolling my eyes as he practically doubled over laughing. Leaning into my side as he struggled to keep himself standing up, too occupied with chuckling at his own joke.

“Are you ever going to let me live that down?”

Robbe considered that for a moment, “Not likely. I’m gonna be bringing this up forever.”

“Any forever I get with you is great, so feel free.”

“Spare me, I beg of you.” Senne exclaimed, placing his empty bottle on the bar, and hopping of the stool he had been sat on. “I love you guys, but I can’t listen to the romantic gushing a moment longer.”

“If I haven’t said it before.” I told him, jokingly, “Zoë is a very lucky girl.”

He laughed at that, though he simultaneously flipped me off. Robbe and I could only join in with his sniggering, finding the entire situation so amazingly bizarre. Just the fact that we were there… That we were finally able to joke around with our friends about our relationship and show how much we loved each other without any reserve. It was a bit of an odd feeling, considering we had never done it before, in such a public setting, but I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

“I’m going over there where I can hear you less.” He informed us, pointing towards where his girlfriend was still dancing with Milan.

We watched him dart into the crowds, while remaining at the bar, still holding one another. Truthfully, I would have been fine staying like that the entire night.

“So…” Robbe smiled, “You wanna go dance? Bonus points for making out in front of Senne and making him even more uncomfortable.”

“I’m in.” I grinned, leaning forwards, and pressing a small kiss on his lips, a promise of more to come – so much more, in fact.

And that was how the rest of our night went.

We danced until our feet were about to drop off. Kissed until our lips were sore. Laughed until our throats were hoarse. And we had so much fun that our hearts were overflowing with love… Really, there wasn’t much more we could have asked for.

The two of us had gone from drunkenly hooking up at a wedding, repressing all of our feelings in fear of them not being returned. To dancing together, surrounded by friends, sharing our love for the world to see, no longer cowering in the shadows, and sneaking around in the dead of night, that was all behind us for good. Because I was dating Robbe IJzermans, and I wanted every single person to know just how lucky I was to have found a guy that loved me so fiercely.

“I love you.” I called out to him, not for the first time and certainly not for the last.

“I love you.” He smiled.

So, I guess the answer to the ultimate question would be simple… At least now it would be. And it’s a little funny that I couldn’t see it plain as day the entire time, but I knew now for certain. The words that spring to mind when I thought of Robbe…

The love of my life.