Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

     Tommy was gonna fucking die. Oh, shit and piss and cock and balls. That robber was chasing after him, yelling the most original and hurtful curses known to man; mainly “LITTLE BITCH GET BACK OVER HERE!!!” while haphazardly shooting bullets. Tommy, of course, replied with very hurt feelings, “I AIN’T A LITTLE BITCH, YOU BITCH!”
     “S-10, I got him near, corner him!”
     “S-10?! What kind of a shitty codename is S-10?! Does the S stand for ‘shit’?!” That was probably the thing that annoyed Tommy the most.
     Out of nowhere (nowhere being probably a roof or balcony that he just didn’t notice), some other guy jumped Tommy with his own gun. Now he was surrounded. Behind him, the first guy. In front, the only other guy who was introduced in this very paragraph, were you even paying attention? To the right, was the street. It wasn’t super busy or anything, but believe it or not, you can’t just throw yourself into the street because you’ll probably get hit by a car. And that would cause a lot of ouchy-feeling. Not from the car, but from Tubbo when he got home.
     Tommy’s boots kicked up dust clouds as he took a sharp left.

     …Into the dodgiest alleyway known to man.

     And, in a moment of pure cliché and unoriginality, he was cornered. There was a measly chain link fence that stopped him but a measly chain link fence wasn’t gonna stop the great Tommy Innit! Unless he had two armed gunmen who, with no hesitation, would shoot his heart. And he does.
     The guy on the right lowers his gun and says, “Any last words?” But the guy on the left says “Come ON, you know every villain does that? Says ‘any last words’ instead of just shooting the protagonist so that the protagonist has time for an escape opportunity? Like, just shoot the boy!”
    The guy on the right, ugh, they need names! Ok, the guy on the left is called…Chase…because he chased Tommy. The guy on the right is called…Sky…because he… came from da sky. Ok! We’re good!
     So Sky turns to Chase and argues, “Yeah, but we’re not just gonna let him get away! He’s cornered! He’s got nowhere to go! We’re good, I want to hear what people say when they’re about to die. Never done that before.”
     “Well, who knows?! He could have Spider-Man hands for all we know! And now that we’re arguing about this, he’s gonna get away!”
     Sure enough, Tommy was climbing the measly chain link fence. He was about a fourth of the way up, but considering his height and the height of the fence, that wasn’t the most impressive thing ever.
     “Hey! You’re not getting away that easily!” yelled Sky, shooting a bullet straight at Tommy’s left wrist.
     “Ow! What the hell, man?!” Tommy jumped/fell to the ground. And his feet also ached for seemingly no reason at all. Now he was REALLY cornered. Like, FOR REAL.

     Until he remembered why his feet hurt. He was wearing booster shoes. OH YEAH, I DO HAVE THOSE! He tapped the toe of his boot on the asphalt and the cyan LED lights — courtesy of Ranboo — lit up. He hadn’t used them before, but it can’t be that hard, right? He just had to jump, and HOLY SHIT! He shot through the air, surprisingly high enough to land on the roof. He completely forgot about Chase and Sky and had the time of his LIFE running over roofs.
     UNTIL he remembered he was still bleeding out of his wrist. Uh, that isn’t good. He didn’t have anything to stop the bleeding, so unfortunately his cliché (there have already been 3 clichés in this story and we’re only on chapter one.) superhero-running-on-roofs isn’t lasting very long. Yeah, Tubbo told him blood loss was gonna be a problem. Tommy lowered his mask to breathe in more oxygen and headed straight home. Tubbo wasn’t gonna be happy.

     Tommy Innit, 17-year-old vigilante, known on the streets as Vermilion, (I’m NOT calling him “Inniter” or some crap) was in deep shit.

     Tommy obnoxiously knocked on the door. “Okayyy, I’m coming, Big Man,” Tubbo opened the door, and before he could say anything else, Tommy burst in and dashed to the workroom/garage. He grabbed a long pair of tweezers and tried to pull out the bullet. He doesn’t have the steadiest hands in the world, but he wasn’t telling Tubbo. Ever. He’s gonna have to figure it out on his own. Which, knowing Tubbo, wouldn’t take him very long.
     Tommy eventually pulled out the bullet lodged in his flesh but now it was exploding with blood. He panicked and quickly grabbed an old rag; probably not his brightest idea, but he was bleeding out, what was he supposed to do? Was there gauze in the house? Yes. Did he know exactly where said gauze was? Pretty much. Did he know how to use gauze? No, of course not! What kind of person knows how to use gauze?! Not Tommy Innit!
     He decided to try anyway. That rag wasn’t gonna stop much. He gently held the greasy cloth over his wrist as he sneaked to the restroom. It was pretty easy with Tubbo watching who-knows-what on TV and eating biscuits.
     “Oh, Tommy, can you-” Tubbo started, but then…
     Tommy passed out. Completely. Out cold.
     “T-Tommy?! Oh god, what happened? Ranboo! Ranboo, help, it’s Tommy!” Ranboo and Tubbo helped pick up Tommy and move him to the sofa because they couldn’t think of anywhere else to put him. It’s not like they could’ve brought him to his bed, because one, it’s too far to carry a person, and two, it’s on the top bunk. And there was no WAY he was getting in Tubbo’s, much less Ranboo’s.
     Tubbo decided to take the time to take the tools that Tommy was supposed to give back afterwards anyway. Dart gun aka “Vlog Gun™️”: unused with all the ammo still in there. Seriously, Tommy? You had a weapon and you didn’t use it at all against an armed foe? Ugh. Taser: it’s literally impossible to tell if a taser was used or not. But it wasn’t. Mini grappling hook: still a prototype, but unused (Tubbo was kind of grateful for that.) His booster boots were still on, so Tubbo turned those off and put them away.

     After a while, Tommy woke up. “What the fuck-” he sighed. His wrist was wrapped in gauze, probably by Tubbo. At least he didn’t have to do it.
     “Tommy! Oh, thank god you’re awake. I told you blood loss was gonna be a problem. What happened?” Tubbo said, concerned.
     “Ah, got shot and-”
     “You got shot?! Like, with a gun?! That’s kind of an important detail! We need to-” Tubbo cut himself off, but he was referring to removing the bullet.
     “No, I already did that. Don’t worry about it.”
     Tubbo sighed. “At least you did that. Well, I’m definitely subbing for you tomorrow.”
     “Subscribing?” Tommy jokes.
     “No, substituting. I’ll probably do it the day after too, depending on how fast you heal. But definitely tomorrow.”
     “Aw maaaaaaaan.”
     “Don’t ‘aw maaaan’ me! There’s no way you’re patrolling. You can’t pretend you were just sprained like always, that shit was PIERCED!” Tubbo starts to get up to let Tommy rest.
     “Fiiine. I guess. At least I can scream at you as you fail as vigilantism, which is something only the biggest of men can do. Oh and,”
     Tubbo leans over the door frame. “Yeah?”
     Tommy points to the three plastic containers. Y’know, the kind with the indention on the bottom and the little bit sticking out the top so that you can stack them? Like Legos? Yeah, those. “Can I have the candyfloss?”
     Tubbo sighed, smiling. “Help yourself.”
     Tommy didn’t expect that answer, but it was a welcome answer. He immediately grabbed the top one and tore it open. Mmm, blueberry. One of his favourites. A few seconds later, Big Man Vigilante Tommy Innit was sitting up, binge-watching TV, with his mouth full of candyfloss. Yup, this is an average day in the life of Tommy Innit.

Chapter Text

     Tubbo zipped up his hoodie and adjusted his earpiece. He only had the one on the left, which was dedicated to music, so he didn’t really need it but it’s fun to have nonetheless. The reason he doesn’t have a right earpiece is that it glitched out and broke, but there was no way he was gonna use Tommy’s because that boy’s ears leave more wax than any normal person.
     This wasn’t technically Tubbo’s first time patrolling, but at that time he was accompanied by Tommy and barely did anything. Even after that, Tubbo practically swore to never do that again.
     “Alright, I’m off!” Tubbo declares, putting on a disposable face mask. They didn’t have any other masks other than Tommy’s and we all know why he’s not using THAT. “Any tips?”
     Tommy yells, “Yeah, you want to come up with a name before anything. It’s really awkward when someone asks what your name is and you don’t know. I’m telling you this so that you don’t make the same mistake I did.” He makes a face full of dread.
     “Ok, I’ll keep that in mind! Thanks, Big Man!” Tubbo picked up his bag.
     “Oh, and, be safe!” Ranboo tells him, giving him a hug.
     “Thank you, Boo~,” Tubbo says sweetly.
     Tommy makes the same face he made in his profile pic then proceeds to ignore them both.

     Tubbo shut the door behind him and made sure he had everything. Booster boots: check! Non-lethal toad-poison Stinger™️ he made just for fun but it’s actually getting used for once: check! Handcuffs: check! And lastly, emergency prototype grappling hook: check! After checking everything, he proceeded to where Tommy would normally patrol; a corner with a nearby park and a humble cafe with the best milk teas ever. Not to mention the barista is super cute nice.
     He didn’t feel like walking into a public cafe with a shady hoodie and mask, so he decided to stay on the roof. For a while, nothing happened. You’ve got to expect this when looking out for anything. After a while, he heard screams. Someone else was yelling words he couldn’t understand. Finally, something fun. Tubbo put on his stinger and activated the booster shoes and jumped off, using the boots to break his fall. It wasn’t that high of a drop, but he wasn’t taking risks like that, not when a robbery was taking place. He burst into the shop yelling, “WHAT’S UP MOTHER FUCKAS?!?!”
     There was a small group of 3 robbers who were literally wearing paper over their faces. Amateurs, you could’ve just bought a mask. Maybe they were trying to save money. “Money” being about £3, maybe less. Yeah, sounds about right.
     “Who the hell are you supposed to be?!” one yells. Ugh, again they need names. We’re calling them A, Ma, and Teurs. A points their gun at the barista, Ma is rummaging through the cash register, and Teurs points his gun at Tubbo.
     “Woah there, bossman. I don’t think a gun is necessary. C’mon, let’s just talk things out.” Tubbo readied his stinger, about to do the exact opposite of what he just said. Thankfully, A took action and started shooting.

     Very, very recklessly.

     Tubbo jumped far above them and landed near Teurs. And with a little touch from a sedative-filled Stinger™️, Teurs was on the ground. A and Ma immediately started shooting but somehow all of them missed. (*cough cough*  plot convenience *cough cough*)
     One small chase and Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen playing in his ear later, A, Ma, and Teurs were all unconscious, the barista running up to them and taking the cash back from their bags. Honestly, Tubbo thought she was going to try to help them, but he guessed it was appropriate to just take the money. Tubbo decided not to cuff them, since he only had one and there were three guys. What’s the point of cuffing one of them if the rest aren’t? Exactly. None.
     Tubbo deactivated his stinger and said, “My work here is done,” like a badass. He casually walked out of the shop, the only sound being of his clunky footsteps and the bell ringing above the door. On the other side of the street, something that wasn’t there before. It reminded him of a gargoyle. He couldn’t tell what it was because of the bright sun, but after just blocking it with his arm, he saw what it was. Or more like, who it was.

     Willow.

     Holy SHIT!!!

     Tubbo acted very nonchalantly, but everybody knew he was silently freaking out, even if there was no visual indicator. Heck, anybody would, much less the right-hand-man of a wanted vigilante. He didn’t really know what to do, but he didn’t want to go home in fear of being followed. “Hey, uh, what the fuck, man?” Tubbo really wanted to know what Willow was doing, or if Hornet was gonna get arrested.
     Willow just said, “Hey, sorry, but I have to see your hero license. I know it’s inconvenient for both of us, but it’s required because of the influx of villains and vigilantes. So just hand it over.”
     How.

     The.

     FUCK.
     Does Willow, one of the top heroes in the country, think Tubbo, with his amateur superhero name, amateur costume, and no flair, is a superhero?! Like, one with the government?!
     There was no way Tubbo could lie and make it convincing, or at least not incredibly stupid, so he just…told the truth. Sort of??
     “No,” Tubbo said and jumped up onto the roof for speed. In hindsight, probably not the best idea, because Willow was also on the roof.
     “Hey! Get the fuck back here.” Willow got up and yelled, very annoyed. He may as well not waste time with running and skip straight to using his flair.
     Tubbo blasted the music in his earpiece to maximum volume and more. His eardrums were literally going to be damaged. Seriously. Not even joking. Willow could still hear ROCK IT by Tokyo Machine blasting from the boy’s earpiece despite the distance. The vigilante covered his right ear to block out Willow’s flair, even though the music was doing that by itself.
     “LA-LA-LA-LA-LA! HORNET CAN’T HEAR WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE SAYINGGGG!” Tubbo’s nonchalant act was shattered, not like it mattered in the first place.
Hornet? Willow chased Tubbo, normally having an advantage from being a foot taller. However, Tubbo was using his shoes to his advantage, angling them horizontally and activating them, accelerating in short, quick bursts. Tommy would be proud.
     Eventually, Tubbo jumped off the roof to lose him. He slipped off his hood and his mask, took off his booster boots, (I seriously don’t know what to call them at this point…) and put them in his bag (thankfully he made them so that they go on top of regular shoes), along with his Stinger™️. Hopefully, Willow would deal with A, Ma, and Teurs in the cafe.
Well, now it’s time to take care of Tommy at home.

     Tubbo Underscore, 17-year-old inventor and robotics expert, now known as Hornet, met the top 4th hero in the country, who probably wants him dead. And to be honest, he’s not even that anxious about it. That’s gotta get him in trouble someday.

     Tubbo opened the door with the key that he thought he’d made a copy for Tommy. Guess not.
     “I’m hooome~” Tubbo chimed.
     “Hey, Tubbo!” Ranboo greeted. “I’m making dinner!”
     “(Please don’t be spaghetti-) ok! How about you, Tommy? You doing good, man?”
     Tommy asked, “How’d it go? Was it hard?”
     “If I’m gonna be honest, not really. I didn’t know criminals were such pushovers. You made it sound like they were gonna obliterate you if you came near.” Tubbo said.
     Tommy sat up, very offended. “You can’t just say it was easy! Vigilantism is a difficult sport that only the biggest of men can partake in!”
     “It was literally so easy. And you’re the one who got shot with a gun. And to be honest, it was kind of fun while it lasted. Still prefer to stay at home, though.”
     Tommy groaned.

     They stayed in awkward silence for a while.

     “I met Willow.”
     “YOU WHAT?!?!” Tommy was now freaking out. He slammed his hands against the sofa, forgetting his injury and winces.
     “Ah, Tommy, careful! Are you ok?” Tubbo rushes to his side.
     “Yeah, I’m fine, man. But you seriously met Willow?! Mind-controlling, one-of-the-top-heroes-in-the-country, second only to Ph1LzA, Willow?!” Tommy was shrieking so loudly it had even piqued Ranboo’s interest, although he normally wasn’t a big fan of heroes.
     “Yeah! He thought I was a hero and asked to see my license! Ya jealous?” Tubbo sat on the edge of the sofa.
     Ranboo leaned over the back of the sofa. “How did you respond?”
     Tubbo smiled in the most devious and shady manner. “I brought out Hornet.”
     “YOU WHAT?!?!” Ranboo screeched loudly. He can be scary.
     “You brought out Hornet, in front of Willow?!” Tommy didn’t scream as loudly as Ranboo. To be fair, Tommy is the one who “started” Hornet and enjoyed him more than most people.
     “Boooo, you’re screaming in my earrrrrr. So anyway, I just said ‘no’ and ran away and-” Tubbo continued, ignoring Ranboo.
     “Grrrrrr” Ranboo grumbled, not liking being ignored.
     “Did-did you just purr?” Tubbo teased.
     “NOOOOO I DIDN’T- THAT WASN’T A PURR, TUBBO! Oh my god, I didn’t purr!” Ranboo sighs.
     “Awww, Ranboooo” Tommy giggled. “You gonna meow?”
     “I DIDN’T PURR- Oh my GODDDD! WHY?!?!”
     Tubbo giggled “You little catboyyy~”
     “STOP!!! I feel like I’m getting ganged up! I could handle one Tubbo but Tubbo and Tommy back-to-back?” Ranboo started backing up.
     “CATBOY, CATBOY, CATBOY!” Tommy and Tubbo chanted.
     “Alright, I’m out! I just- I can’t take it anymore!” Ranboo slammed the door to the kitchen and looked angrily at the dinner he had prepared. They better be grateful he doesn’t poison it or something.

     Wilbur very delicately twisted the doorknob, opening the door only a bit, just so that he could slam it open without breaking it, then flopped onto the sofa, and screamed. Groaned. Scream-groaned.
     “Wil, what’s wrong, mate?” Phil asked. He was always very thoughtful.
     “The. Little. Cunt. Fucking. Got. AWAY!” Wilbur smacked the sofa with each word.
     “The robbers on 295? But I thought-”
     “No, not them. They were neutralised before I even got there.”
     “Oh, ok then. I..guess that’s a good thing. Well, who then?”
     “This FUCKING VIGILANTE CUNT! He, like, he STRUTTED out the cafe, and when I confronted him, he not only ran away, but he BLASTED music and SCREAMED in my face! AND, and, he had these STUPID FUCKING, TRAMPOLINE-ASS, FUCKING SHOES and he got away!” Wilbur ranted.
     “Was it someone we know? Did you recognize him?”
     “No, but I think he called himself ‘Hornet’?!?! What kind of dumbass fucking name is that?! I just- *sigh* I need-”
     “To try to redeem yourself?” Techno jokingly interrupted. He was reading. He was always reading nowadays, since he got a new book, like, a couple days ago. (Art of War? Maybe?)
     “Who invited you into this conversation?!”
     “You screamed into the couch cushions. Very loudly. I think that gives anybody permission to join into the ‘conversation’” Techno turned the page.
     “Dive out the window.” Wil glared.
     “Willlll,” Phil said, hearing Techno open the window and jump out. “Now you have to get him back”
     “Noooo, he’s fiiiiiiine”
     “No- you made him jump out the window! You have to go get him.”
     “I didn’t make him, he could’ve just said ‘no,’ he decided to jump out.” Wilbur gave a :| face. Phil heard a thump. Ah shit.
     Phil glared. Fuck. A Philza glare is like the equivalent of a knife to your forehead. You may as well just jump out the window. Like, for real. On purpose.
     “I’llgoI’malreadygoneIdon’tneedtohuntdownthiscuntoranything,” Wilbur dashed out the door, leaving it open. His feet thudded against the metal stairs. (you know, the ones that are used in fire escapes.) Soon, he was gone.
     Phil shook his head and walked up to close the door. No sooner had he sat back down for Wilbur to burst back in, with Techno in tow, again leaving the door open. That was fast. Suspiciously fast, but Phil wasn’t complaining. Not about that, anyway. (btw this isn’t foreshadowing lol)
     “CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR!!!” Phil screamed. His wings poofed out. Wil quickly shut the door and Techno sighed, not injured (having jumped out windows time and time again) but very inconvenienced. He just sat down and kept reading, annoyed that his page wasn’t kept. Readers know the struggle is real.
     “My patrol was pretty average. Some muggers, some thieves, and like one mass murderer. Nothing much, though,” Techno bragged.
     “Jump-” Wil started.
     “WIL!” Phil yelled.
     Since Wilbur’s command was left unfinished, Techno stood up.

     And he jumped.

     And he sat back down.

     And lost his page.

     “Ya jealous?” Techno teased. “That ‘Hornet’ of yours probably wasn’t even that good” At that point, Wil stopped caring about what Techno had to say. Just the words “Hornet” were enough. Now he was mad. He scream-groaned back into the pillow.

     I’m gonna fucking kill this “Hornet.”

Chapter Text

     Each member of the Bench Trio is a vigilante. Tommy is somewhat well-known with no known flair. The name Vermilion came from the press, back when his “costume” was just his red hoodie and so the reporters were just like, “yup, that’s his name,” and the name stuck. He does have the Vlog Gun™️ which is a dart gun, modelled to look like a toy gun because Tubbo thought it was funny. Sometimes they’re simple tranquillizer darts, and sometimes they have a kind of poison-alcohol mixture Tubbo concocted. He also has a baton but he doesn’t use it and Tubbo doesn’t even know he has it so…
     Tubbo isn’t (wasn’t) known at all and mostly works on machinery and tools. Hornet originated from when Tubbo learned about DID, told Tommy, and Tommy made an alt for Tubbo called “Hornet”. (not trying to be offensive, they were incredibly young) He made Stinger™️ just for fun, and he wasn’t actually planning on using it. It has the same poison-alcohol mixture as Tommy’s vlog gun. It also has a blade it shoots out when it’s turned on, but it’s purely for decoration because 1) real metal would have been too heavy and 2) Tubbo couldn’t figure out how to weld sharp metal for the life of him. I’m too lazy to write Tubbo’s quirk, so I’m gonna pretend he just doesn’t use it much. I’ll explain it later.
     Ranboo has a flair, obvious ones at that; teleportation and weakness to water, along with some enderman qualities. Basic? Yes. Unoriginal? Absolutely. Did I milk this joke about 5 times already? Yes. Am I gonna keep milking it? Yes. He has the horns, ears, split hair, (and maybe tail) but can hide them. Ranboo is also an empath. He mostly works on housework (because water weakness makes him vulnerable), although he does occasionally join in with Tommy with the in-person vigilantism (because teleportation is very good flair.) He has a sword-pickaxe shifty thing that Tubbo made just for practice with sliding mechanisms, but it does make a good weapon. By this time he figured out how to make a sharp blade too lol.
     They all share the booster boots and they’ll share the grappling hook when it’s done. They each have their own handcuffs, special weapon, and a taser, along with an earpiece (or in Tubbo’s case, two). The booster boots are heavily modified ski boots. Also, I keep calling it a “grappling hook” but it works magnetically, so the end of it isn’t actually a hook, it’s more of a thick circle. Ok, I think I’ve exhausted myself now. Sorry for the long eyestrain-inducing paragraphs. Bye.

Chapter Text

     Tommy healed fast. Good for him. Tubbo said he shouldn’t put too much stress on it, but what does he know? He’s not a doctor! He did make himself a right earpiece in about 3 hours, but that doesn’t make him a doctor! Tommy’ll be safe. It’ll be fiiiiiiine.
     Patrol was just as always. Walk on the roofs, nothing happens for a while, then some mugger decides to mug a guy and Tommy swoops in and kicks ass. So today, mostly it was the same thing. Except Ranboo was supposed to be with him, but Tommy was a stubborn bitch who didn’t need any help. So he told Ranboo that Tubbo changed his mind. Tubbo quickly found out, but by then he concluded Tommy would be fine and Ranboo would help him at home.
     “Hand over your money!” The most cliché mugger you can think of cocks a gun. Cliché, of course, being black turtleneck, black ski mask, grey trousers, you get the idea.
Tommy, as always, leaps down behind the mugger.
     “Tommy, remember what happened last time. Just clamp down his mouth and THEN tase.” Tubbo lectured through the earpiece. For context, the last time Tommy knocked out the mugger, only to realize it was a ruse to meet a hero, and that they were both actors. They must’ve been disappointed.
     Tommy scoffs but carries out Tubbo’s orders.
     “MMPH!!! MMMPH!!!” the mugger yelled under Tommy’s gloved hand.
     “That’s not helping, you know,” Tommy jabbed the taser into his side until he fell limp, then dropped his body onto the ground.
     As he cuffed him, he looked at the poor mugging target. (You probably forgot they existed, didn’t you? Considering I never mentioned them) “You alright, mate?” he asked, with an extra caring and gentle tone in his voice, just for good measure.
     “Y-yeah, I think I’m good. But, you’re…Vermilion…right? That vigilante?” they said with excitement.
     “Yeah, that’s me.”
     “Can I have a photo?”
     “Considering I’m a wanted vigilante, sorry, but the answer is no-” Tommy cut himself off. Was that, fabric ruffling? He instinctively turned around and jumped backwards.
     “Fuck.” a hero muttered, now where Tommy was mere seconds before. “Shouldn’t have gotten a cape. No matter.” They immediately lunged for Vermilion.
     Tommy skillfully, and almost effortlessly dodge every punch. Except, it wasn’t really a punch? Their hands weren’t fists, as if they were only trying to touch Tommy. Probably has to do with their flair.
     Tommy quickly activated his shoes and jumped high above the caped hero. He took out his Vlog Gun™️ and took two good shots at his attacker.
     They immediately dropped onto the ground with a groan.
     “Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up,” Tommy delivered his probably-gonna-be-famous one-liner. One dart was enough to knock them out for a couple hours in a few seconds, but two darts?! Jesus, that stuff is a miracle.
     “VERMILION!!! You’re not supposed to use two darts!” Tubbo didn’t sound as mad, but he sounded incredibly concerned. That wasn’t good.
     Neither was the fact that there were now two unconscious bodies on the floor of this dodgy alleyway.
     Tommy leaned over the first guy. “Tu- Hornet? How do I undo these things?”
     “The handcuffs? Are you trying to cuff them both together? If so, that’s not gonna work.”
     “Aw, man. Then what am I gonna do with this guy?”
     “Uh…um…jeez we really need to bring more handcuffs…ah! Vermilion, hold on a second! Keep them sedated until Ranboo comes!”
     “Wait, Ranboob?!” Tommy heard Tubbo clamp his hand over the microphone. Muffled sounds. Then a vwooop. Another vwopp. Ranboo appeared a few meters behind him. Facing the wrong direction.
     Ranboo’s teleporting usually goes slightly awry when he’s teleporting really far away. Especially when given only coordinates and no pictures or anything to visualise.
     He teleports to the RIGHT location this time; by Tommy’s side. (Not in a romantic way istg-)
     “Oh! Ok! I-I’m here! And I have another set of handcuffs! Oh god, I feel nauseous…” That happens to Ranboo when he teleports far.
     Tommy grabs them from Ranboo’s hands and cuffs the hero with a cape. “Ok, done. We can go now.”
     “Ugh, that’s it? I don’t want to teleport back…”
     “Fine, RA-”
     “Don’t say my name here!”
     “FINE. We’re going back the long way.”
     “Oh, thank god…”
     Tommy jumped up onto the roof, looking back at Ranboo. “You coming?”
     “Yeah, yeah, be patient,” Ranboo strained slightly and teleported to the roof.
     “You look constipated,” Tommy remarked while running.
     “Shut,” Ranboo said simply and speed-walked toward Tommy, rather than running. It’s just as fast anyway, and if he ran he would feel even sicker. “C’mon, let’s just go”
     “I’m already going. I’ve been going the entire time. Waitin’ on you, big man.” Tommy stopped and turned around to wait for Ranboo, except, as I said before, Ranboo speed-walking is just as fast as Tommy running. (I DON’T HAVE A GOOD TRANSITION SO I’M JUST ABRUPTLY ENDING IT THERE-)

     Punz woke up groggy and aching. They try to move. Fuck. Handcuffed. They stood up and tried to reach the lockpick in their back pocket. Always be prepared. With a little bit of wrist finagling, their handcuffs fell off. Fucking vigilante, not only sedating them but cuffing too? Bitch. (btw c!Punz is agender [I think, if not thennnnnnn MY FIC MY RULES] so they’re agender in this too. Hence they/them pronouns)
They abandoned their cape and looked around. How long was I out? Punz sneaked around to find the vigilante. There was no way they were heading back to HQ without anything to show. They were keeping the cuffs, though. Would be the best revenge.
     They sneaked around the city, and listening in for anything they could gain information from, heard a conversation. Well, less of a conversation and more of sibling-like bickering.
     “C’mon, stop being so slow!”
     “What do you mean?! I’m going at the same pace as you!”
     “Just run, man!”
     “Fine, but you’ll be the one having to catch up with me. You know what? If you want me to, I’ll just run on the ground.” Ranboo jumped down.
     “I don’t need you to go on the ground to prove that I’m faster, but then it won’t be fair! If I’m faster, you’ll just go ‘ooyyuhyuomuyummuh I’m Ranboo, and you’re only faster because you’re on the roof!’" Tommy mocked Ranboo and followed suit.
     “That was the worst imitation of- actually, no, that was the worst imitation period!”
     More bickering. They wouldn’t notice Punz if they were standing right behind them. But they weren’t taking chances.
     Ranboo teleported in front of Tommy. “Catch up!” he taunted.
     Before Tommy had time to accept the challenge, Punz lunged out and placed his hand on Tommy’s arm. (Not in a sexual way istg-) Tommy froze.

     That was Punz’s flair.

     Tommy couldn’t move. At all. He couldn’t speak. He could only make unintelligible words from his throat. And so he did.
     “Nrrghh! NRRGHH!!” Tommy…said??? “Said” definitely isn’t the right word, but I can’t think of a better one.
     “Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up,” Punz retorted in a moment of ultimate revenge. They felt so proud.
     Tommy’s eyes were actually hurting now since he couldn’t even blink. This guy’s power was strong.

     But Tommy was stronger.

     Just kidding, nothing was getting Tommy out of this but time.
     By this time, Ranboo noticed Tommy wasn’t behind him and he teleported back to find someone running away into the buildings and Tommy frozen in place.
     “T-Tommy? Is-?” Ranboo said, very confused.
     “I-I don’t know! There was someone who, I don’t know what happened, but Tommy just started groaning and I heard someone whose voice was definitely the bad guy,” Tubbo said through the earpiece. “What happened?”
     “Tommy, uh, I think he’s…frozen? I don’t think he can move anything.”
     “Ranboo, I know it’s hard to ask, but can you teleport him back? It’s the only option at this point!”
     Ranboo sighs. “I’ll…try my best.” He grabbed Tommy’s shoulder (Not in a romantic way istg-) and teleported him back home. They landed on the dinner table. With their shoes on. Tubbo disconnected and dashed to where they landed. For once, he wasn’t mad. Instead, he was incredibly concerned. Arguably worse.
     “TOMMY! BOO! Are you two ok?!” Tubbo yelled.
     Ranboo almost responded, but instead held a hand over his mouth, dashed to the toilet, and puked.
     Tommy unfroze and immediately rubbed his eyes. “Oww, my eyes hurrrrt.”
     “TOMMY! Oh my gosh, what happened?!”
     “This fucking bitch-” Tubbo should’ve expected an answer like this. It was always a “fucking bitch” Always. “They touched me and then I couldn’t move. I think they were some kind of hero, and that was their flair. They seemed like they were a kind of rogue spy, though. Although, apparently, their flair includes me not being able to blink. My eyes really fucking hurt…” he rubbed his eyes again.
     Great. Ranboo was sick, Tommy probably couldn’t fucking see, and Tubbo couldn’t do vigilante shit on his own. Don’t worry though, they’re the protagonists. They’ll be fine. They’ll be fine for Chapter 4. … Right…?

     (this is the ultra-intense cringe part) Punz entered HQ and took off their hood. Standard entry procedures, and slight frustration. Why did that other dude have to exist? They had to admit, it was a bit risky to grab him right there. They walked into the like-an-office-but-not room to give their progress report. A bit formal, but Dream liked formal. Punz doesn’t like formal, though. If you can’t tell.
     “Progress report?” the masked man in the swivel chair asked.
     “Yeah.”
     “Ok, proceed.”
     “I just ran into Vermilion. I don’t know if this is new, but he has an accomplice.”
     “Enderwalker? Yeah, we-”
     “No, not him. Well, him too, but that wasn’t who I was talking about. I heard them talking, but there wasn’t another person. Probably an earpiece. They didn’t mention their name, though. As for Enderwalker, he called Vermilion ‘Tommy’ so that’s probably his real name. And that’s all.” (haha jokes on you Punz, his real name isn’t Tommy in this au oh no it isn’t!)
     “That is very good information! Good job, Punz! I might pay you extra.” Dream said and started typing something on his computer.
“I’m getting paid-? Uh, thank you, sir!” (that “I’m getting paid?” part is from zirorum gotta give credit where credit's due) They shook hands and Punz left the room. They didn’t know how to feel. On one hand, he didn’t really do much, but on the other hand, he was getting “paid extra” and for once his boss’s tone match the smiley face on his mask.

     Punz might take a walk around the city, just as themself, to get more info. Who knows, maybe they’d run into Vermilion, or “Tommy” again. And maybe, they could get some revenge.

Chapter Text

     Tonight, Tubbo was feeling inspired. You know what? Maybe Tubbo could do vigilante shit by himself. Although, most of his weapons and robotics are still in beta. Well, no matter. The magnetic-but-not grappling hook was coming along nicely, but he still needed to do a mini-test. The Robo-bees have yet to get a cool name and a trademark, but they’re doing well nevertheless. So far, they’re pretty cool and work fine, but they’re loud and sort of useless, but he wasn’t sure what it would take for them to be useful and badass. The badassery was possibly the most important part.
     Tubbo went out for a walk. The sun was very slightly setting, but it was fairly bright. Maybe he could look around and see how one would fucking die. Then he could do that to his foes. …He’s not a psychopath. Ok, the jury’s out on that one.
     Tubbo walked around the city with his little notebook, dark grey sweats, and a yellow jumper, seeing a lot of tall buildings and skyscrapers. It was to be expected downtown. You could fall off and die from those. Uh, but he can’t put that on a robot bee to defeat his foes.
     Then he walked past a gym and thought of those TV show training montages. He jots “trainin monidtyrxgj” (I actually smacked my keyboard for that.) in his notebook. He didn’t know how to spell “montage” and so he gave up.
     He looked specifically for off-limits areas. Why would a place be off-limits? Because it’s dangerous or because it’s a top-secret location that no one must know about except for a chosen small group of people. Why would it be dangerous? Various reasons, almost all of which you could put inside robot bees to defeat your enemies. Maybe they could have stingers too? Or, maybe they could release toxic radiation? No, that would be too difficult and dangerous to put in the bees. Giant fans? Mmm, possibly, but maybe just blades that shoot out and spin like a rooftop fan. Nah, too lethal. He doesn’t want to actually murder anybody. Unless they deserved it.
     Maybe he could look into another cliche-looking alley with a measly chain link fence and dumpster. Yeah, he’s gonna do that. Great idea.
He struggles to climb on top of the dumpster and jumps onto the measly chain link fence. He climbs and peeks over the top to get a good view without light grey lines over his vision.
Hmm, mostly concrete, with warm-grey boxes giving no indication of what’s inside. Maybe he should’ve lowered his hopes just a smidge. He tried to imagine what could be in there. Maybe high-voltage wires? Yeah, he could probably add some kind of electric discharge to his bees. Wait, that would just be a taser. Ugh, this is hard.
     “Gogogogogo! In here!” a woman (first female in this story!) whisper-yelled and jumped in the alleyway.
     “This isn’t going to work!” a man followed her.
     They both stared at Tubbo, who looks like he’s gonna fucking jump across the fence and, I don’t know, steal shit.
     “Who the fuck are you?! And why were you acting like you’re wanted criminals- Oh…you’re wanted criminals, aren’t you?” Tubbo said, jumping down. His hands slightly hurt from digging into the thin metal.
     “What the- how is his prediction so spot on?!” The man seemed incredibly surprised. Tubbo eyed his appearance. Cargo pants, combat boots, bald, (*snickers*) with a headset and those red-and-blue lensed 3D glasses. (YEAH IT’S JACK!)
     “You shouldn’t have said that, you know.” the woman said, facepalming. Brown turtleneck, light tan boots, short-ish pink hair, and space buns. (NIKIIIIII!)
     They heard footsteps and ran further into the alley and ducked behind the dumpster.
     “They went in here!” a cop ran into the entryway of the alley, many more following.
     “They’re over here!” Tubbo said, pointing to the probably-criminals. The people dashed to where Tubbo pointed, and they slowly stood, hands up. “Fucking snitch,” Jack muttered. (Yeah, I’m using their names for clarity’s sake so I’m just gonna have to remember Tubbo doesn’t know their names.)
     Jack and Niki stood there, not moving, while the policemen yelled the whole “Keep your hands where we can see them! Yada, yada, police stuff!” They were fairly close when the Rocket Duo struck.
     Jack’s skin solidified to stone and he lunged at the cops. As they started to back off into the more exposed street, Niki used her flair to create big energy spikes, trapping them. Tubbo had barely moved before Niki shot a spike in front of him as well. He had started climbing the dumpster to go over it, but Jack was already pummeling the shit out of the cops, while Niki raised and lowered more spikes to guide them to where she needed them to go. No mercy. Ok, a little bit of mercy. They didn’t kill anyone. That’s enough to count as mercy for the Rocket Duo.
     Now the small group of policemen was unconscious, and Niki’s spikes lowered. Tubbo jumped in front of them so that they were the ones halfway-cornered. He considered just walking away to report them to the cops since he wasn’t in costume and attacking could be one of the biggest mistakes anyone could make ever.
     However, when he turned to leave, Niki shot up another big wall of spikes.
     “Oh, you’re not going anywhere!”
     Tubbo turned back, hands in his pockets, a slightly smug grin on his face. “Well, shit. I could almost feel bad for you. Keyword: almost”
     “Is that an attempt at a threat?” Jack cracked his knuckles. Very intimidating. “Give up, kid. You’re against the strongest rioters ever.” They weren’t really the strongest rioters ever. (In this au, villains call themselves “rioters” because, let’s be honest,  nobody would call themself evil. Also “rioter” just sounds better than “villain”) He was just hoping the boy didn’t call his bluff.
     “You are…so…unlucky! Like, you didn’t just get into the bad luck Olympics, you won a GOLD MEDAL! You broke a FUCKING RECORD! Good for you, man!” he clapped.
     Jack was starting to get pissed.
     “You could’ve picked any alleyway WITHOUT me in it, but you chose the one WITH me in it!”
     Niki tried to get Jack to keep cool, but even she was getting pissed. Who did this kid think he was? He appeared to be flairless, so why was he acting like this?
     Tubbo snapped his fingers and soon, about 70 of his yet-to-be-named robot bees swarmed around his targets. Of course, the whole reason he was on a walk in the first place was that the bees were pretty much useless, but he was silently BEGGING they wouldn’t call his bluff.
     THANKFULLY, they didn’t! They backed off slowly. “So. Do you see what I mean now?”
     They looked at each other, and Jack reached into his pocket. He pulled out a small hard-plastic ball. A smoke bomb. He tugged on the pin and tossed it on the ground.
But he didn’t tug the pin hard enough.
     So it just fell to the ground. And did nothing.
     “...FUCK!” Jack cursed and bent over to pick up the bomb and try to throw it again, while Tubbo laughed hysterically.
Jack grabs the bomb again, yanks hard on the pin, and YEETS it on the ground. The white smoke quickly engulfed them all, while the Rocket Duo disappeared (landed on the roof) in a way I’m too lazy to write. Unfortunately, the spikes that cornered Tubbo were still present.
     Tubbo started coughing, almost violently. Not from laughing, but from the fumes from the smoke. He took out the prototype grappling hook and shot it at the top of the building. He covered his mouth with his left arm to stop breathing in the fumes. It needed to be tested anyway.
     The magnet shot up and stuck to the top of the building. FUCK YEAH! He coughed into his left arm and shot up from his right. Luckily the magnet didn’t come off while Tubbo was in midair or anything. He landed on the roof and inhaled the glorious fresh air. He was not exaggerating. The smoke bomb fumes actually were terrible. Like, a Sharpie®️, spray paint, hand sanitiser, and a hint of citrus mixed together and enhanced by 175%
     By then, Jack and Niki were completely gone and the spike that once cornered him disappeared. That triggered him. His nearly-useless-but-came-in-clutch-this-one-time robot bees hovered around him, awaiting instructions.
     He put away his grappling hook. “Dormant position,” he commanded the bees. They flew away into their normal location.
     Wait a second.
     Ah, shit.
     He didn’t have a way to get back down from the top of the building. He didn’t bring his booster shoes, so he had zero way down other than to just jump.
     Which would kill him.
     So there was clearly a problem.
     He just won the gold medal in stupidity.
     (And so I’m leaving you on a cliffhanger)

Chapter Text

     Tubbo didn’t have a choice, so he just yelled “HELP!” at the top of his lungs. He tried to look for a vent he could climb through or a staircase he could run down, but there were none.
After no one came to his aid, he had an idea. It might not work. He snapped his fingers again and the bees came. (Just got random deja vu for no reason-) He grabbed his notebook, tore out a page, and wrote a little letter: Hey, I’m stuck on a fucking roof downtown. Help me. -Tubbo
     He finished his note and commanded, “Give this to Ranboo or Tommy.” The bee did a little nod and zoomed off. “The rest of you, dormant position.” They zoomed off.

     Tubbo sat on the roof. At least he knew help was coming. He thought of his fight with the two villains. Maybe he could add retractable spikes to his bees. Also, maybe his bees should be a bit tougher because he really didn’t want any of them dented.

     (I need to do this in Tommy’s POV since he’s supposed to be the main character-) Tommy was sitting on the sofa, watching TV, fidgeting with one of those mallet-shaped wooden thingies with a ball on a string. (It’s called a kendama, if you don’t know what I’m talking about.)
     A tapping noise on the sliding glass backyard door. (adjectives!) Tommy shifts to see what it was, and one of Tubbo's cute little bees was staring back at him. Tubbo didn’t design them to be cute, but no one could deny; they turned out adorable.

     Tommy opens the door to let the little robot in. It looked like it had a little piece of notebook paper in its little grabby hands.
     “What’s this?” Tommy muttered to himself and grabbed the note. “‘Hey, I’m stuck on a fucking roof downtown. Help me?’ From Tubbo.” He stuffed the note in his pocket and went to the workroom/garage to grab something to help Tubbo. Maybe the booster shoes? He didn’t know how high up Tubbo was, but he could estimate around the size of a two-story building. The booster boots could jump that high. He grabs them and runs for the door. Just for good measure, Tommy pops into Ranboo’s room so that he doesn’t yell at him when he gets back.
     “I’m going out!”
     “Wait, what fo-” Ranboo was cut off by Tommy slamming the door.
     Tommy puts on his shoes and leaves the house. He hoped Tubbo was ok.

     Tommy wandered through the big city. Hopefully, he wouldn’t get lost. Nah, he wouldn’t get lost. Tommy Innit’s got a sense of direction like no other.

     That’s not true. He was just saying that to himself.

     He looked up at the tops of the buildings and shops, hoping to see Tubbo hair peeking over or something.
After a while, Tommy was starting to lose hope. The sun was setting when Tubbo went on the walk, so now its light was the only thing above the horizon. He’d only walked for a couple of minutes but those seemed like hours. Tubbo didn’t specify where he was, he just wrote “downtown” and the downtown area of the city is HUGE. Maybe he could get Ranboo to help in the search…? Nah, he’s not that desperate. Yet.
     He started running farther. What was Tubbo doing to go this far? Or maybe Tommy just went in the wrong direction?
     Eventually, Tommy ran past one building and heard his name. (I need to continue the plot-)
     “TOMMY!”
     Tommy looks up. That had to be Tubbo. The sound was distant but loud enough. “TUBBO!” he yells. “WHICH BUILDING?!”
     “UH, THIS ONE?!” Tubbo waves down. He was definitely not on a two-story-height building.
     “OK, I SEE YOU! I BROUGHT THE BOUNCE SHOES! THE ONES THAT BOUNCE!”
     “OK, UH, CAN YOU JUMP UP HERE?! I DON’T KNOW HOW HIGH THOSE THINGS GO!”
     “OK, BIG MAN!” Tommy snaps on the shoes and jumps as high as the shoes would allow. It was high enough to reach the roof, but not high enough to jump on. “DOES THIS THING HAVE A MEGA-BOOST OR SOME SHIT?!”
     “NO! NEVER NEEDED IT! CAN YOU FIND SOMETHING TO STAND ON?!”
     Tommy jumps onto a shorter, neighbouring building and leaps to the top of the building Tubbo was on. “Hello, big man! Uh, let’s, uh, let’s get you off this fucking roof!”
     “Yeah! Uh, how should we get down? We only have one pair of those,” he motions to Tommy’s boots.
     “What do you have on you?”
     “Notebook, pen, the fucking prototype grappling hook th-”
     “Perfect! You go down with the boots-” Tommy undid the snaps on the boots and took them off. “And I’ll use the grappling hook” He reaches for Tubbo’s pocket that he definitely has and I’m not too lazy to write-
     “Ey- What are you doing?!” Tubbo yelped.
     Tommy didn’t wait to answer. He left the booster shoes and jumped off the roof, shooting the magnet at the edge of the roof. He screams in excitement.
     “TOMMY!” Tubbo quickly snapped on the shoes and jumped after him.
     Tommy pulled the button to stop the extension and falls to the ground suddenly. He nearly pulled his shoulder.
     “TOMMY!!!” Tubbo fell and activated the shoes to break his fall, like normal, but he activated them at a weird angle and so he fell flat onto his back with an oof.
     Tommy giggles. “You good?” he asks, casually, as if he didn’t almost dislocate his shoulder from stupidity.
     “Piss off!” Tubbo got to his feet.
     “So, what were you doing out here anyway?” Tommy blinks.
     “Just needed some inspiration for the bees.”
     “What about Pinterest?”
     “...Fuck Pinterest”
     Tommy laughs. “Yeah! We don’t need no Pinterest!”
     “‘We?’”
     “Uh, you.”
     “There we go.” Tubbo starts skipping. (again, no transition, so ending it off abruptly!)

Chapter Text

This one is just gonna explain the rules of this AU. (to prep you for the next chapters ;D) Also, if you hadn’t guessed already, powers are called “flairs” because it sounds better. Sorry if you were confused! Tubbo sometimes rigs the hero phone lines so he can hear all the calls. Heroes are like police with superpowers. They’re assisted by the government, so they have official weapons, costumes, etc. Vigilantes, though, are on their own. And they’re illegal. That’s like pretending to be a cop instead of being an actual cop. The only reason Techno is a hero and not a vigilante is because Phil forced him. He still refuses anything from the government, though, so most of his stuff is either handmade or bought. The term, “Philza Minecraft” is an inside joke with the SBI so no one else knows him as that. I’ve also considered changing Wilbur’s flair, but I really don’t want to rewrite the entirety of chapter 2 soooo…..

Chapter Text

     Philza landed on a tall roof and scoured the area. It was already dark, so he couldn’t see much, but he surely didn’t see any teenagers stuck on any roofs. To be fair, Phil didn’t have the best night vision. What a waste of time. He bitterly sighed.
     “There’s nobody here. And it’s dark now. We could've been in the wrong location, or maybe they already got help,” Phil said into the mouthpiece.
     Wilbur groaned, “Are you fucking kidding me?! Ugh, just get back. I’m sure you’re just as tired as I am.”
     “Yeah, I’m heading back right now,” he said with a yawn and stretched out his wings to prepare for flight.
     “And I still have to finish this song- I’m signing off. Good night,” Wilbur sighed.
     “Will, you do know this isn’t discord, and that I’m coming to you, ri- oh, and he’s gone,” Phil said with a slight smile.
     He had just jumped off when he heard a scream.
     “TOMMY!!!”
     Uh, what the fuck was that?! Phil glides around to look for the source of the scream. Maybe that caller wasn’t wrong.
     There were two teenagers at the foot of the building in the direction of the sound. One blond, one brunet. The blond was significantly taller. Red and white jumper, blue jeans, white trainers. The brunet had a yellow jumper, grey sweats, and black, big chunky shoes that didn’t look like they were made of…whatever shoes are made out of.
Phil swooped down and landed next to them. “Hey, I heard a scream. You good, mates?”
     The brunet jumped, “OH god! You scared me…” (imma start calling them by their names now because I can’t stand typing “the blond” and “the brunet” over and over again.) Tommy tapped Tubbo on the shoulder. Then they both realised who they were looking at.
     “HOLY SHIT!” Tommy yelped and had a quick fanboy moment. Tubbo joined in the fanboy moment, though a little less eccentric.
     Phil laughed. He was used to this, but then he remembered why he landed. “Oh, right, I just wanted to make sure you’re ok since I heard a scream.”
Tubbo and Tommy glance at each other with a look that said Don’t fucking say anything.
     “Uh, we’re good! Yeah, we’re both fine!” Tubbo smiled and discreetly tapped the button on the boots and they turned off with a soft whirrr. Hopefully, Phil didn’t hear.
     "Alright, just stay safe, ok?" Phil smiled and majestically took to the skies once more.
     Tommy screamed, "HOLY SHIT!!!" He flailed around like a kid on a sugar rush. "We just met Ph1LzA! We just met the number one hero ever!"
     Phil wasn't actually top place, that role goes to Techno, but Tubbo didn't want to ruin his moment. Tommy continued to rant on how great Phil was and how they'd actually met him. Tubbo wanted to say that he's a hero, he "meets" all these people every day, but Tommy just kept on talking.
     Ranboo was never gonna believe this.
     "I just hope he doesn't find out about us," Tubbo said.
     "What do you mean?"
     "You know, that we're wanted vigilantes?"
     Tommy gave him The Look of Dread®️. He hadn't thought of that.
     Ah shit.
     Well, at least he wouldn't be able to find Ranboo.
     Wait, but his records do state where he lives and who he lives with, A.K.A. Ranboo.
     Double shit.

     Phil entered the apartment. "I'm home!" he announced.
     "Welcome. Wilbur told me to tell you that he's recording, so don't bother him."
     "Ok, anything else?"
     "He said, 'Tell Phil that I'm recording, so don't bother me.'"
     "Yeah, ok, got that." Phil went upstairs to change. Superhero costumes weren't suitable for lounging.

~ Short Time Skip ~

     Phil got curious. Who were those kids, and why were they so…suspicious? They acted like they were hiding something.
     Phil turned on his computer and opened the ID files. He sorted them by relationship and casually scrolled through the options. Soon enough, he found who he was looking for.

     File #2139: Thomas “Tommy” Innit
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Height: 6’1”
Flair: None
About: Lives with Ranboo Beloved and Toby “Tubbo” Underscore. Attends CNP University. Unknown interests or hobbies. Has a pet and raccoon.

     File#2279: Toby “Tubbo” Underscore
Age: 17
Gender: Male
Height: 5’5”
Flair: Sting
Flair Description: Can create energy “stings” to injure enemies
About: Uncomfortable with using flair; causes guilt/anxiety. Lives with Ranboo Beloved and Thomas “Tommy” Innit. Dropped out of university. Programmer and engineer. Part-time Twitch streamer.

     Phil raised an eyebrow. So they live together with “Ranboo Beloved”. But, Unknown interests or hobbies? That’s interesting. Thomas is flairless, and the other is uncomfortable with using his. Toby is a programmer and an engineer. He must be very smart. Just out of more curiosity (and because these files are fun to write), he looked up Ranboo as well.

     File #1864: Ranboo Beloved
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Height: 6’7”
Flair: Ender Mutation
Flair Description: Can teleport, partial and full shapeshifting of Endermen
About: Real name unknown. Allergic to water (common among Endermen), lives with Thomas “Tommy” Innit and Toby “Tubbo” Underscore. Graduated from SFB Academy. Moved to the UK from the US on June 26, 20XX. Has a pet cat.

     Ranboo is American? Real name unknown? Ender mutation? The Ender mutation flair is somewhat well-known, but it is rare. He’s also pretty tall, but that usually comes with Endermen.
But still, how did Toby get to the roof in the first place? And how come he couldn’t get down?
     There were a lot of questions, but right now Phil couldn’t be bothered to answer them. Maybe tomorrow. (And yes, I just made the school names only initials because I was lazy. What, you gonna cry?)

     Tubbo was bored. He wanted inspiration, but he found none. And he almost died. At least he got to meet Ph1LzA. Maybe he could update Vermilion’s outfit. Yeah, it’s been a while! Maybe he’ll update…come to think of it…Ranboo doesn’t have a vigilante name, does he? Welp, time to brainstorm names! He takes out his notepad and empties his brain.
     Dormammu, Exodus, Justice, Pandemonium, Mephisto, Penance, Silver, Trauma, Most of them were from Marvel®️. So far, his favourite was Penance. Ares, Azrael, Darkstar, Speculum, Cheval, Hush, Blackout, Transmit, Obsidian, Spectre, Nightshade,
     Eventually, Tubbo narrowed it down to 2 options: Speculum and Obsidian. Maybe for these last two choices, he should let Ranboo choose since it was his name.

     Eh, later.

     Were there any calls?

     No. Darn.

     Tubbo checks again, as if anything was gonna change. Wait, what time is it now? He checked the clock. 8:14 PM. Oh yeah. Ranboo was supposed to patrol. God, it feels like the evening was dragging on so slowly. This was the same day he got mugged? By the bald guy and the e-girl? He grabs the notebook, goes upstairs to Ranboo’s room, and knocks on the door.
     “Boo, it’s time for patrolllllll”
     “Yeah, coming!”
     “Also, I made some vigilante names for you! I’ll leave the notebook outside the door!”
     “Alright, thanks, Bo!”
     Tubbo places the notebook on the floor and walks back to work on updating the costumes. Obviously, he can’t work on Ranboo’s right now, so he’ll have to have fun on Tommy’s instead. Ooh, maybe he could add a voice modulator. Yeah, seems fun!

Chapter Text

     It’s Techno’s turn for night patrol now. He still wanted to read, but whatever. It still was fun to beat criminals senseless. Especially if they’re orphans.
     Good thing night vision potions exist, or else everyone’s screwed. Techno whistles and paces back and forth, swinging the Orphan Obliterator.
     Soon enough, he twitched. He detected some crime. Techno looked around. A skyscraper. At the bottom, people were yelling and snickering loudly. He dashes in and points his sword. “Alright, what’s going on here?”
     There was a small group of people, varying ages, varying heights, but they were all wearing red or white outfits. They all stopped and stared. The moment Technoblade appears, you KNOW you’re screwed.
     They looked at each other, each carrying fire-related objects. Holy- they were setting the place ablaze! One had a box of matches, one with a jerry can, some had fans, etc.
     One, a girl with white flowers in her hair, dropped her item, trapped Techno in some kind of forcefield (probably her flair) and yelled, “SCATTER!”
     They all dashed for an exit, but Techno was quick. He slashed at the forcefield and it shattered, almost effortlessly. He really wanted to slice right through them all, but a voice in his head (that kind of sounded like Phil’s voice) screamed, DON’T GO OVERBOARD! Techno groans. He slices at the first, intentionally almost missing. It just skims by his arm, and the Fire Aspect kicks in. His sleeve lights on fire and he rips it out and throws it in with all the other ashes.
     “Bitch, that was a really good jacket!”
     Another one scowls and dashes for the exit. But Technoblade wasn’t gonna let that happen! He was so fast he practically teleported in front, cornering him. " Where do you think you're going?”
     "On account of the Egg, let us go. We will make sure the Egg hatches" Oh no, not one of these. Currently, there was this cult about an egg and yada-yada boring stuff with government-y sounding words. Techno scoffs and stabs his shin. Not all the way, though. The voices would riot if he did that.
     The attempted-escaper yelps, and falls to the floor. The sound of gushing blood was always music to Techno's ears. He leans down to knock him unconscious so that he wouldn't have to worry about any shenanigans, but the victim refuses. (usually, I would give them names instead of keeping calling them “the guys” but they’re actually relevant to the story but at the same time mysterious soooooooo)
     "I'M NOT GOING GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT!" He raises his arm and sends out a pulse of energy to send Techno flying back. Great. This guy's got a flair, too. How annoying. A different guy rushes to his side. Techno slices at his face, (intentionally missing because he just needed to scare him), which is covered with a mask. Why do some of them bother with anonymity and others don't?
     "Bad!" He reaches his arm out to the fallen guy's wound and slowly heals him. Do all these cult members have annoying flairs?!
     The girl who yelled "scatter" before rushes to their side as well, setting up a barrier separating Techno from the vulnerable group. "For once I'm glad our team has mostly support flairs."
     The healer nods in agreement.
     The one whose sleeve was torn hovers his hand over his wound and heads for an exit, but Techno throws Orphan Obliterator as easily as a rubber ball, and the guy backs off. Another one (how many of these guys are there?!) with cat ears and a tail, what the heck, takes the opportunity to tackle Techno, but he easily uses the momentum to his advantage and tosses him to the ground, pinning him down by his neck. "Do you surrender?"
     "Never! I'm loyal to the vineyard! I never give up!"
     Techno tightens his grip. "Are you sure about that?"
     "...No," he wheezes.
     "That's what I thought," Techno said. The guy gasped and tried to pry Techno's hand away. Wait, what? He hadn't resisted like this before, so why now?
     Then Techno figured out himself. A wooden plank from the ceiling broke off and fell straight for them. Oh. So that's why he was doing that. He probably saw it starting to get loose. Techno lets go of him and they both scurry away, the poor guy gasping for air.
     Techno heads back to the group with a healer. That one was definitely gonna prove to be a threat. Best to take care of him first.
     Techno smashes through the forcefield that "protected" them. The girl backed up and she seemed like she was hurt. A side effect of her flair, maybe?
     The one the healer called “Bad” stood up, favouring his uninjured side.
     “No! I’m not done healing it yet!”
     “Well, we got to go! Now! Skeppy, Ant, cover us!”
     The cat boy charges at Techno again, while the one with the torn sleeve teleports (another one with a flair?!) behind Techno and forces his hands behind his back. Noobs. Techno thought and stamped down on his foot. This was classic, know-this-before-you-even- start-learning-it self-defence. Can’t believe the teleporter thought that was gonna work. He yelped and teleported away. His teleportation seemed to be slow, but Techno couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
     The other one lunged for Techno’s face. Techno ducks and uses the downward momentum to sweep him, but somehow he knew and leapt backwards. (hmmm…somehow…)
Techno stands up, grabs Orphan Obliterator and angles it towards his attackers. “You know the enchantments on this baby? Unbreaking 3, sweeping edge 3, looting 3, fire aspect 2, and best of all, sharpness 5! So if I were to…”
     The cat boy gulps and the teleporter yells, “GOGOGOGOGOGO NOW!” The healer loops his arm around the injured one and helps him walk. The cat boy and the flower girl rush over. Techno slashes at the group but they all teleport out (the teleporter sticking out his tongue) before his sword could hit.
     Crap.
     Techno scoffed and called HQ to tell them that a skyscraper was on fire. Should’ve started with that, to be honest. (I NEVER KNOW GOOD TRANSITIONS SO I’M ONCE AGAIN ENDING IT ABRUPTLY-)

Chapter Text

     Punz wandered around, fidgeting with their hoodie strings. They weren’t a hero right now; they were just Punz. Passing by, they spotted one of those Egg cult people. Punz thought they thought they were like missionaries, sending the word of God, or in this case, a freaking egg.
     Punz walked by, trying to avoid the cult man as best they could, but to no avail.
     “Join the Eggpire!”
     “Uh, no thank you,” Punz sped-walked away. Would this guy please leave them alone?
     “At least come see the Egg! It’s beautiful,” somehow that word choice made it seem like the Egg was evil. I mean, if it spawns people like THIS, then surely it is.
     Punz groaned. “Ugh, fine.” Maybe then he would leave them alone.
     The guy beams. “Come on, follow me,” he motions and takes Punz into a manhole.
     Punz looked around. I’ve been here before… “Wait, isn’t this the old spider nest? I used this as my base once. It was a mistake.”
     “Yeah, it is.” he motions to a tunnel on the side. “This part used to be a statue room, but it belongs to the Egg now.” They turned left into a crude staircase. There were tons of cracks and big holes, almost caves, in the walls.
     Punz dragged their hand across the cold stone. “So, it’s at the bottom of the stairs?”
     “Yeah, the used-to-be statue room is right there, and the Egg is to the right.”
     They reached the bottom of the stairs. The room was so big the farther walls weren’t visible at all. Although, that might have to do with the fact that there were big vines, crawling and seeping all over the floor, like drunk snakes. There were long weeping vines growing from the ceiling too. How powerful is this egg?! Vines coated the entire room!!
     After a bit of walking, the cult man showed Punz the Egg. “Here it is. Isn’t it so…beautiful?”
     In the corner, there was a giant oval-shaped object, smooth and red with orange-ish speckles. It looked like it was made of resin. Surrounding the egg were four light orange leaf-like appendages. The Egg. It was kind of majestic, not gonna lie.
     “Ye-yeah, I just can’t believe this place was right next to my old base. All along?”
     “Not all along. Badboyhalo found it in December, and it’s only grown since then.” He runs his hand along the Egg’s smooth surface. “Our goal is to get it to hatch. We want to know what’s inside.” He looks over at Punz. They were just staring, the colour from the Egg reflecting into their eyes and medallion, making them appear red. “Do you want to join now?”
     Punz snaps back to reality. “What? Oh, maybe, maybe not. I’m gonna go.” They turned around and walked, trying not to step on any of the vines.

     .noos kcab emoC

     W-what? WHAT WAS THAT?! Punz whipped their head around. The cult man was still right next to the Egg, and there was nobody else.
     “Did the Egg speak to you?” he yelled from the other side of the room. Punz didn’t answer. They just pulled their hood over their head and rushed up the stairs. They didn’t know what to think. So, let’s just not think right now. Punz wandered mindlessly, trying not to think of the noises he heard.

     ~Next Day~
     Ranboo changed into his vigilante costume and tested his earpiece. He already patrolled last night, why couldn’t Tommy do it this time? Practice?
     The worst part is that this time he was going to a public place. “Lots of crime happens at the mall, and it could be a good opportunity to something-something-something,” Tubbo said something like that. At least Tubbo included more pockets in his new costume. And that voice changer could come in handy since an Ender mutation flair isn’t the most common; he needed the most secrecy he could get. His voice was revealed before, but it’s better late than never.

     Alright, flash forward to the exciting part.

     Ranboo eventually got bored of walking around doing nothing so he decided to just enjoy being at the mall. He was still in vigilante uniform, but they could pass as regular clothes. He kept the mask that hides his identity anyway. (I imagine this takes place very-late COVID.)
     He walked towards the escalator. He was a couple metres away when BOOM! Epic, movie-worthy, copyright-free explosion sound effects play behind Ranboo. Except it was real.
Ranboo does a quick 180 and turns to the sound of the noise. A big cloud of smoke. “Hornet! Big smoke explosion thing! I’m going in!” He yells into the earpiece.
     “Wait, what?!” Tubbo didn’t have time to say much more than that.
     Ranboo heard voices coming from the centre.
     “DAMMIT, ERET! THAT WASN’T THE CUE! Uh, c’mon, just…hurry, hurry!”
     Footsteps. Ranboo morphs to his Ender state and teleports to the edge of the smoke cloud. It swiftly shapes outwards, as if something was going through it. Yeah, definitely NOT normal.
     Ranboo teleports in front and something bumps into him. Er…someone. A person materializes in front of him.
     “Fuck-” they muttered, then they made eye contact. Ranboo looked incredibly intimidating because of his big horns, glowing eyes, all the shabam, even despite his kind expression. “Fund-”
     “Yeah, I’ve got you!” Ranboo heard someone tap the stranger and soon they disappeared once more.
     “Hey!” Ranboo yelled and grabbed where he predicted them to be. Sure enough, his hand wrapped around something that was most definitely an arm.
     “Augh, let me go!” Ranboo felt a tug but kept holding on. “Eret, he’s not letting me go!”
     “Yeah, I’ve got you” Ranboo teleports them all a couple metres away from where they were standing, just to temporarily disorient them.
     “Wait, wha-” The invisibility slowly disappears and two figures appear in front of him. There was the one who reappeared for a split second, and the one that was invisible the entire time.
Ranboo backed off to keep them in view and circled them, eyes glowing brightly. “If you move one bit, it’s lights out for you.” Empty threats, but they did their job. “Hornet, might need backup on this.”
     “Bringing Vermilion over,” Tubbo said (AND NOW’S WHEN I GOT MY INVITATION!) and covered his microphone. “TOMMY! DID YOU HEAR, BOSSMAN?!” Tubbo screamed. Ranboo sighed, still able to hear his muffled voice. “He’s on his way!”
     “Alright,” he keeps his eyes on the two in the mall. One of them started speaking.
     “So,” he says, a hint of fear laced into his words. “You’re a vigilante?”
     “What does that have to do with anything?!” Ranboo didn’t mean to snap, but that’s just how the words exited his mouth.
     “Defensive! So I’m gonna take that as a yes,” the other said, smiling smugly. Ranboo stayed silent. They started mumbling to each other. Definitely plotting.
     After a bit more circling, the one who seemed scared before grabbed the other’s wrist. “AND! …SEE YA!” he said and did a two-finger salute. The other one’s eyes glowed a bright white and smog once again filled Ranboo’s vision.
     “BACKUP! NOW! BACKUP! NOW!” Ranboo screamed to Tubbo, fanning the air with his arm.
     “Yeah, Tommy’s supposed to be there alre-!”
     “Where the fuck are you?!” Tommy interrupted.
     “Big smoke cloud! You’ll know it when you see it!” Ranboo waited for the smoke to clear. The pair from earlier already proved they could turn invisible, but now that there was smoke, they would be more invisible, as if that was a thing.
     “Found it!” Tommy stood on the bannister of the upper floor. “Uh, two dodgy-ass lookin’ bitches running towards the…what is it…north exit!”
     “Follow them! I’ll come after you!” Ranboo teleported out of the fog and looked around. Where was the north exit? Ah, there! He teleports again in time to meet up with Tommy. Also in time to see the “dodgy-ass lookin’ bitches” running down the street.
     Tommy recklessly runs downs the street, ignoring Ranboo yelling his name. Of course, when you recklessly run down the street, you’ll get hit by a car.

    And that’s exactly what happened.

    HONK-HONK! A car sped towards Tommy. Out of pure wits and luck and a need to NOT kill off the main character, thank you very much, Tommy grabbed the baton that he’d usually hidden from Tubbo (refer to explanation chapter), held it in front of the car and extended it. It made an awful scraping noise as the car in front slowed.

    “Hey Vermilion!” Ugh. Ranboob. Tommy looked at him.

    Ranboo teleported in front, to the parking lot. He puts his hands to his mouth and yells to Tommy, “You gotta look both ways, idiot!”

    “SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING TWAT!” Tommy flipped him off. “...Go on ahead!”

    Ranboo looked confused but did as he said. Great, where were they now? Invisible again? “Crap, lost them!” he told Tubbo.

    Meanwhile, Tommy was blushing from embarrassment because the driver was getting out of the car to confront him. He retracted the baton and put it in his pocket. It would make sense, it was completely his fault, but getting an earful from Tubbo was enough. Getting an earful from a stranger is worse.

    Speaking of Tubbo, he told Tommy and Ranboo through the earpiece, “I’m trying to get into the mall cameras! Can any of you see anything?”

    Only Ranboo responded. Made sense. Tommy was getting lectured by a stranger. “Nothing! They’re probably long gone by now. Maybe we can find them again later. I’ll provide the most detailed description I can once we get home,” Ranboo teleported back to help Tommy. He sure needed it.

Chapter Text

     Phil flew above the city, weaving and dodging around the tall skyscrapers. Techno and Wilbur followed on foot, though they were just as fast. Well, Techno was. Wilbur lagged behind.

    “We’re almost there!” Phil yelled.

    “Yeah, I know! You’re not the only one with coordinates!” Wilbur panted. Usually, he would be pretty fast with his height, but Techno had an enhancement flair and you can’t really beat those. “Tech! Can I be a backpack?!”

    Techno stopped. “What?! I-”

    Wilbur didn’t wait for an answer. He jumped onto Techno’s back and wrapped his arms around his neck.

    “YOU CAN’T BE A BACKPACK, WILBUR! GET THE HECK OFF!”

    “MUSH! MUSH, CHILD! FASTER!”

    Techno sighed. He grabbed Wilbur’s shirt and threw him forwards to the concrete. “Hopeless…” Techno muttered.

    Philza looked down at them. “Hurry the fuck up!” he said, hovering. Techno scoffed. He let Wilbur go and left.

   

      ~ Extremely Short Time Skip ~

     The SBI arrived at the mall parking lot. There was a parked car in front of the entrance (of the mall, not the parking lot) , A.K.A. where you’re NOT supposed to park a car.

    Outside the car was a man, lecturing a teenager. The teenager was blond, fairly tall, wait a second. WAS THAT FUCKING VERMILION?!

    “Willow, go inside the mall and get information. Techno, come with me! We have a certain vigilante bastard to deal with,” he said, motioning to the scene and swooping down. Techno nodded and followed.

    Tommy heard the iconic deep-yet-smooth flapping of Philza’s wings. He turned and HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! It’s Philza heading straight towards him. Then, OH FUCKING SHIT!!! It’s Philza, a hero , heading straight towards Vermilion, an illegal vigilante . He was so amazed yet terrified that he didn’t even notice Technoblade.

    “Vermilion, you’re under arrest!” Philza declared as he landed.

    Tommy didn’t know what to do. Uhh, one at a time. First, completely forget about the driver guy from before. He’s not important now. Second, get the FUCK OUT OF THERE!

  “No I’m not!” he said, taking out the baton again. He extended it towards Phil, to not only push the hero away but also give Tommy a slight head start. He ran off praying he wouldn’t get arrested. Ironically, praying to Philza because he was the only god in Tommy’s mind.

    Techno quickly caught up and swung the Axe of Peace in front, blocking the vigilante. The blade hovered close to his neck. “If you move or try to escape, you’ll cut yourself. You’re trapped. Can’t escape,” Techno said, eyes narrowing.

    Tommy leaned back to avoid the sharp blade, but to no avail. Techno was blocking him from moving. The blade made a tear the collar of his cagoule. (best word I could use to describe it...) “Bitch,” he muttered under his breath.

    “Should I take off his mask?” Techno turned and asked Phil. Tommy started to panic. Could he reach the Vlog Gun™️? Not without him noticing… If he was quick about it, possibly. But these bastards definitely deserved two darts, no matter WHAT Tubbo said.

    “Yeah, go ahead.” Phil caught up. Fuck Mr Approval Man. Techno reached over to Tommy’s ear to take off the mask, but he found Tubbo’s earpiece instead. He took it out, looked at it curiously for like half a second, then smashed it on the ground. Tommy grimaced.

    Well, there wasn’t a better opportunity than now. Tommy shoved his hand into his pocket, pulled out the Vlog Gun™️ and immediately double-clicked the trigger. Techno instantly fell to the ground. Tommy aimed the gun at Philza and shot a warning shot. He wasn’t actually gonna shoot him, of course. So, let’s slow down and analyze the situation to make the best-

    Philza dodged the dart that wasn’t aimed at him anyway, aimed his bow, and released. The arrow swished through the air and if this was a video it would zoom in on the tip and it would spiral with the wind swirling around it in slow motion but alas, this is not a video.

    The arrow hit Tommy’s leg but didn’t pierce all the way through. That’s good. Still, there’s an arrow in his leg. Shit, shit, shit. He couldn’t run. He couldn’t shoot. Well, now what?!

    Then,

    “OBSIDIAN EX MACHINAAAAAAAAA!!!” Ranboo screamed and jumped from the air onto Philza, bonking him with the handle of his unnamed pickaxe-sword special weapon.

    “Augh, what the fuck?!” Philza exclaimed. He turned around and instinctively shot an arrow at his attacker. Ranboo yelped and teleported away just in time. Even though Ranboo was incredibly resistant to arrows, it was natural to teleport away. (a reference to the fact that Endermen in-game teleport from arrows despite being completely immune)

    “T- ahhhhhhthatwasclose, Vermilion! Why aren’t you shooting?!” Ranboo said after he’d seen Tommy had the Vlog Gun™️ in hand. He extended the sword hilt part of his weapon and readied it.

    “I can’t shoot Ph1LzA! He’s too holy!”

    Phil was slightly confused and a little flattered. The vigilante wasn’t gonna shoot him even though they were practically enemies? Weird guy. He heard Obsidian mutter something. Not good.

    Phil turned on his somehow-turned-off-because-I-wanted-it-written-that-way mouthpiece and spoke to Wilbur. “Come to the front of the parking lot; Techno’s fucking out and I can’t do this 2-on-1.”

  “What do you mean 2-on-1?! Wasn’t there only Vermilion?! Also, WHAT DO YOU MEAN TECHNO’S FUCKING OUT?!” Wilbur had more questions but didn’t have time to answer. He exited the building and straight to where Phil was. Sure enough, Vermilion the Fucking Pussy (lol that’s his official title from now on /j) was there, alongside Obsidian, (whose name hadn’t even been known until literally less than half an hour ago) who had a fucking sword. Great.

    Upon seeing Willow the Intimidating Man with a Coat, (unofficial title) Tommy immediately shot at his chest. He couldn’t shoot Philza, but Willow? Mmm, without hesitation!

    Wil had more than enough time to dodge the dart, as there was quite the distance between them. He dashed towards Obsidian.

    “ Stand down, ” he commanded. Obsidian did as told, expression blank. “ Put down your weapon ,” Wil added for good measure. Maybe they could find where he got the damn thing. He’d never seen anything like it. “Phil, we’ll unmask him later?”

    “Yeah,” Philza agreed.

    Tommy gaped at Ranboo’s blank-slate face. Great. Now it was a 2-on-1 but NOT in his favour. Willow approached slowly and dramatically, while Phil sighed and quickly flew towards the vigilante. Tommy backed up.

    Wait a second.

    He only had to deal with Willow, so that he could free Ranboob, then together they could escape Philza. Ok, that’s the new plan. Tommy shot twice at Willow. Unfortunately, he only has the sedatives on him now. Would’ve been fun to see Big Man Willow shrivel in pain. Oh well.

    The first dart zoomed towards the hero but he dodged.

    The second dart…didn’t exist. He’d run out. Great. Now he didn’t have any ammo because I wanted to create a cheap moment of tension so that ##### ##### ###### #### ####. (lol haha no spoilers here)

    Tommy ran but Philza flew in front. He landed and stood intimidatingly, with both wings extending fully on either side. Tommy knew a lot of animals did things like that to make themselves appear bigger, but he didn’t know it would actually work on a human person.

    Once again, Tommy was so distracted by Philza’s glory that he didn’t notice Willow, still approaching him, just a little bit faster this time. Tommy backed away from Phil, but before he could run, he saw Willow straight in front of him. Willow scooped him up like fucking ice cream. (not in a romantic way istg-)

    Tommy struggled. He tried to roll out but Willow wasn’t letting that happen. “ How ‘bout you take a kip? ” he sighed, but Tommy was having none of that.

    “HOW ‘BOUT YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF?!” he blew a raspberry.

    Fuck. Forgot he’s immune. How does that even work again? Ah, no time for that. Wilbur brushed the thoughts out of his mind. Vermilion raised his knee and kicked as hard as he could. Didn’t care where he kicked, as long as it hit.

    And it did.

    “FUCKING HELL-” Wilbur screamed out, dropping the boy. Tommy immediately ran but there was still Philza to deal with. The winged hero was already right in front of him. Wait, wasn’t the plan “defeat Willow and then Ranboob’ll be free?” Well, Willow was “defeated” but his mind control wasn’t loosening. Underestimating the top (what is it, like, 5th? Let’s go with 5th) 5th hero in the country was gonna cost him.

    Tubbo disconnected. Not like either of them could hear him anyway. Tommy’s signal disconnected and Ranboo was victim to Willow. Tommy couldn’t deal with them on his own…so…time to create a distraction. After all, Philza and Willow were the top heroes in the country , not the city, right? He was in a chaotic mood today anyhow.

    Tubbo changed into his own, barely-used, not-upgraded costume and put on the goggles he bought at a Walmart®️. Although, unlike Chapter 2, he was gonna bring some real chaos.

    Tubbo, or should I say Hornet, arrived at the Superheroes’ HQ. He switched the music in his ear to the LoL Hextech Mayhem theme and sneaked around to see which rooms were which, which had priority. (I’m in page 69 in my Google Doc. noice.) He planted small spherical yet unfortunately unnamed bombs on the outside. He jumped and placed some in the roof, some on the windowsills, though most in the other rooms.

    The huge building had many windows because they ain’t turning it into a prison, which worked out perfectly for Tubbo, not so perfectly for everyone else. He found Willow’s room first. Guitar, desk with papers scurrying all about, a bin filled to the brim, etc. Pretty generic.

    “Better luck next time, wall!” he said to himself as he blew up the wall with a grenade. He planned to blow it all up each room at a time, but he needed to get in and snoop. He sneaked a couple time bombs behind the guitar, in the wardrobe, places where you wouldn’t see them at first glance.

    He looked at his work and smiled proudly. Next room. Tech room. Oh, hell yeah. He didn’t know how much it hurt to have progress lost, but not because he’s never had progress lost. He works in the garage off an old PC and laggy internet. He was used to throwing multiple hours of hard work into the trash. But these heroes clearly weren’t. Just one bomb was enough, but Tubbo was extra. 4 bombs!

    Tubbo proceeded to blow up walls, plant bombs, then blow up more walls to plant more bombs, dancing to the beat of his music. He was at about the point where you can’t even count anymore and you’re wondering how Tubbo has the money for all these bombs, but as he skipped on the windowsills, he saw out of the corner of his eye one of the rooms was occupied. He immediately ducked behind the wall.

    Spotted. Shit. He heard footsteps. The window started to open and Tubbo ducked under the windowsill, hanging on by his fingertips. He looked up to see a head poke out. Sam! Oh, he knew Sam! (In this AU, Tubbo and Sam are explosion buddies!) As Tubbo, anyway. It would’ve been great to just be like “Oh, it’s you, hello!” and be on with it, but right now he was a vigilante, not a citizen. And he couldn’t just expect Sam to be cool with that.

    Tubbo didn’t want to be found, so he sadly muttered, “I’m sorry!” and let go of the ledge with one hand, using it to grab one of the grenade-style bombs and tugging on the pin with his teeth. He yeeted the bomb into the window as he heard Sam yelp and run back inside the room. Tubbo swung himself back on the ledge and proceeded, though he felt slight guilt for possibly harming Sam.

    He even found a kitchen/break room which he raided and completely pulled out, like, three drawers. Best part: there was a microwave and he found some aluminium foil. Fuck yeah. He tore off a sizable amount, rolled it into a ball, and set it to microwave for a minute or so.

    Soon, heroes flocked around, and once he saw Philza flying in the distance, he knew that was his cue to leave. But not before igniting the time bombs from before. He pressed the button and,

    BOOM!!!

    Haha, music to his ears. He decided to light the ledge he was currently on and use the shockwave to jump off. He grabbed a grenade, tugged the pin, and placed it on the ledge. He was readying his stance, but

    BOOM!!!

    The grenade blew up a moment too soon and Tubbo was thrown forwards. He was falling fast, the only thing ruining it from a moment that would make it ultra-angsty was Bombin’ to the Beat by Riot Forge still playing in his earpiece. That and, as I said before, I have a need to NOT kill off the main character, thank you very much. I just need to leave you on another cliffhanger and switch POVs.

     “ Acts of arson at HQ! Get here IMMEDIATELY! ” Phil heard a voice say in his ear. Arson? Who the fuck is reckless enough to commit arson at Superheroes’ HQ?! Well, Vermilion would probably do that. Fucking Vermilion.

    “Wil, did you get that?” Phil yelled, not keeping his eyes off Vermilion.

    Wilbur stood up. “Yeah! Should we go now?”

    “Yeah, don’t think we got a choice!”

    “What about Vermilion?”

    Phil looked at the hope gleam in the boy’s eyes. He didn’t want to let the vigilante go, but there was no choice.

    “You just got so lucky, mate,” he told Vermilion angrily. Philza flapped his wings, picking up Techno, (who is still unconscious and there was no waking him. Jesus, how much do those darts do?! Tommy didn’t even want to know how much THREE darts did. On second thought, maybe he did.) and Willow very-ordinarily dashed off behind him.

    Tommy watched them speed off and did a little victory dance. “LET’S FUCKING GO!!!” He located his broken earpiece from before and decided to keep it as a little souvenir. Oh right! Since Willow’s gone, Ranboo should be free too! He looked for the Enderman.

    “You know, I thought that when you’re mind-controlled, you’d have no idea, but NOPE! It felt like my body just disobeyed my screaming mind,” Ranboo said as Tommy approached.

    “Yeah, yeah, good for you now let’s get the fuck out of here!” Tommy said excitedly.

    Ranboo smiled. He grabbed Tommy’s arm (not in a romantic way istg-) and teleported them both out.

     Tubbo was so close to the ground. Yeah, it’s-it’s time to die. Bye-bye, world. Nice knowing you. … No it wasn’t. It was sort of very much not nice. Fuck the world.

    Then everything froze. The fires coming from his bombs froze. The heroes froze. And luckily, gravity froze. He was suspended in the air, not knowing what the fuck was happening or why the laws of physics just stopped.

    A young man approached him. (I really don’t feel like playing the pronoun game right now, so imma just say it. It’s Karl.) Karl ran underneath him. What the fuck?

    Time resumed and Tubbo fell right in his arms. (not in a romantic way istg-) Karl helped him down and Tubbo was in complete shock. First off, he was supposed to fucking die but because of sheer luck (and plot armour) he didn’t, and it was because of this dude? What about that time stop?

    “W-who are you?” Tubbo asked, still in shock. Was he now just a spirit, in denial of death?

    “Oh, I’m Karl!” he said, voice friendly. “You looked like you needed help! That looked like quite the fall.”

    Then Tubbo remembered that he was Hornet right now. “Wait, do you know who I am?”

    “No. Why?”

      Oh my fucking god; he has no clue. Tubbo kind of felt bad. This guy seemed really sweet and he didn’t want him getting in trouble for assisting a vigilante. So he decided to just speak up. “I’m the one who blew up the fucking place?” he looked up at the many holes and ash marks on the walls.

    But the guy just laughed, which wasn’t expected. “Yeah, that was good!”

    “So you’re not gonna…” Tubbo trailed off.

    “No; I live for chaos as well!”

    Surprising yet welcome response. “So what was the whole time freeze bullshit? Was that you?”

    “Oh, that’s my flair! Time travel and manipulation.”

    “No way, really?! That’s super OP!”

    “Yeah! It’s greattttttt!” (btw that’s not sarcasm) Karl smiled wide. This man is both the most innocent in the world but probably a troublemaker too. How does one even do that???

    “Well, I’ve gotta metaphorically fly! Gooood-bye!” Tubbo ran off, hoping that none of the heroes noticed who blew up their home. Hopefully, it would buy enough time for Tommy and Ranboo. Karl waved.

Chapter Text

     Tubbo ran off to the mall. He definitely needed a better source of transportation. He didn’t even bring the booster shoes (damn he needs to hurry up and name them). Tubbo took off his goggles and examined them. There was a big crack on the lenses and a smaller crack on the corner of the brims. Probably from either the explosions or the fall.

    “Hey Tubbo!” he heard Ranboo yell.

    “Hallo! Where’s Tommy?” Tubbo asked as he approached.

    “What do you mean? He’s- oh god please no.” Ranboo turned but Tommy was nowhere to be seen. “I think he just ran off. The chaos gremlin.”

    “We don’t have time to go home and change back into our normal clothes… I think we’re just gonna have to go in and find him.” Tubbo waved his hand around and walked towards the mall entrance. Although, they had just gotten there when Tommy dashed out with a knife.

    “Oh god, Tommy where’d you get that?!” Ranboo combed his hair with his hand.

    “Where do you think, dipshit?” Tommy said sarcastically.

    “Don’t call him that,” Tubbo glared. He was defensive when it came to Ranboo.

    “Boyfriends,” Tommy muttered silently. “C’mon, let’s just go already. I’m fucking knackered.”

    “...What?” Ranboo asked, confused. Fucking American.

    “Same. I want to make myself a hoverboard. Maybe some prank items too.” Tubbo led on.

    Willow stared up at the state HQ was in. “HOLY SHIT!!!” he yelled. Big holes everywhere, some much bigger and very uneven.

    “Yeah, who the fuck had the materials for that?!” Phil readjusted Techno in his arms, whose face twitched as he started to finally wake up.

    Techno opened his eyes and Phil helped stand him up.

    “That was embarrassing,” Techno muttered and looked around. “What’s going on here?”

    “Someone blew up the fucking place, that’s what,” Wilbur chirped in.

    “They seemed to have stopped, though. Now we just have to figure out what the fuck to do now. Or who the fuck did it in the first place.” Philza flew up to one of the holes. The edges of the wall crumbled a bit and everything in about a 2-meter radius was coated in soot. As for the actual room, you could hardly tell which room it was from all the holes and ashes, but Phil recognized a glass cup that was the complete seller. “Wil! I think this is your room!”

    “OH GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! WHAT’S LEFT?!”

    “I’m gonna be honest, not much! Your little sand cup is fine though!”

    “Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?! That was the ONE THING that I WOULDN’T care if it was destroyed! Anything else?!”

    “Unfortunately, no!”

    Wilbur groaned. “I can’t fucking believe this…” he muttered a string of curses and stormed off. Where? God knows. He just wanted to throw something, but there was nothing to throw. (just wanted to show the aftermath lol)

      ~ Time Skip ~

     Tubbo had been working for hours on the robot bees. Tommy was gonna like these. Ranboo might not, but it’s still a possibility.

    Tubbo smiled. He grabbed a bee, ran upstairs to his (and Tommy’s) room. He burst in. “Tommy!” he yelled with a grin on his face.

    Tommy jumped, nearly dropping his shiny new knife. “Can’t you knock?”

    “My room too, you know. Anyway, check this out!” he held out the bee, letting it hover. “First off, I added a rope in case we need an escape. And,” he explained. “I also added a solidifying cement solution. It’s liquid and gooey and then it hardens.” Tommy giggled at that part. “I can’t say the words outright because then it’ll trigger and we’d have cement on the carpeted floor.”

    “That’s cool, but is there anything else?” Tommy was clearly trying to seem interested, but failing because he lacked interest in the robot bees that had nothing to do with him.

    “Oh yeah, I also got you an ambush kit,” Tubbo said casually, expecting Tommy’s excitement.

    And it was excitement that was received.

    “LEMMESEELEMMESEELEMMESEE!” Tommy’s words weren’t even words.

    Tubbo pulled out a suitcase-box thingy. “Inspired by Spy Kids 4, field ambush supplies! There are trap setters, all kinds, various kinds of prank bombs, shaving cream, superglue, mini ziplines enough for all three of us, and I think that covers it!”

    Tommy stared in awe. “And these are mine?”

    “All yours, big man.” Tubbo grinned.

    Tommy’s eyes lit up and he happily grabbed the aforementioned suitcase-box thingy. “Woah!”

    “Though, I’ve got one last thing. I think you’ll like him best.”

    Tommy excitedly gasped. Geez, he was like a small child. “Wait, ‘him?’”

    “Yup, meet your little buddy, who’s yet to be named. Decided you could name him.” Tubbo took off a shiny black-ish lump from the top of one of the hovering bees.

    Tommy’s face fell. “That looks like a literal piece of shit. Literally.”

    Tubbo sighed and tapped the lump. It sprung up into a spider-shaped probably-a-robot thing with red camera eyes. It crawled around his body and nestled on his head.“ Now, do you like it? It’s for you, by the way.”

    Tommy’s emotions changed quicker than people commenting on Webtoon. “Cool!” Tommy let it climb up his arm. It shot out a string onto his forehead and swung up into his hair. Tommy giggled. “I’m gonna name you Shroud.” (sorry if you were disappointed I didn’t make him a spider-child. Didn’t really want to introduce a toddler into this.)

    Tubbo laughed. “Do I need to brand him for you now?”

    “Yes, please! Shroud belongs to me and nobody else!”

    “I‘ll go get it ready. Have fun!”

    “Thanks, Tubbs!”

    “Dormant position,” Tubbo told the bees. They buzzed off and he exited the room. (And no, I’m not just gonna rewrite it all again for Ranboo so just pretend he got cool stuff too, ok? Ok!)

    Run, run, they’re after you. Go, now!   Purpled ducked behind the building. More of them. Crap. They all probably thought he was the one behind all this, but for once he wasn’t.

    More heroes were swarming in from all sides. Come on, the ONE time. The ONE time he didn’t do anything wrong. Not like he would know what they considered “wrong.” In his opinion, boobie-trapping the entrance and blaming it on Punz was fair game, but he still got punished.

    Is there somewhere else he could hide? He couldn’t hide around a corner for long. Probably gonna be found in just a minute at most . Any dodgy basements? No… Sewers or manholes? There was one, but not close enough; on the pavement of the VERY EXPOSED street. Well, nothing better to do than freaking RUN!!!

    So Purpled did just that. He dove towards the sewer cover and pulled it off with ease, just like every sewer cover in movies ever instead of them actually being solid in the ground.

    “ Hey! ” Some generic-ass hero voice yelled. Purpled had been found. Well, that was to be expected. He looked around. Which hero was it? Fire… yeah, no shadow of a doubt that was Pyromancer (Sapnap) . There’s literally no one else it could be.

    Purpled ducked into the sewer. They’re not as dirty as in media, but that doesn’t mean they’re squeaky clean. He didn’t expect Pyromancer to not follow him, but it’s harder to fight melee out in the open.

    The sewer cover lifted and Purpled took out his sword that he definitely had all along. Pyromancer’s iconic flame wings (that are purely for decoration as he cannot fly in them) lit up the tunnel.

    “Oh-ho-ho, you aren’t going anywhere !” Pyromancer’s hands glowed with flames.

    Purpled scoffed. “C’mon, Santa, let’s just get it over with.” he spun the longsword around.

    Pyromancer lunged for the villain. and Purpled swiftly dodged and pushed him towards the stereotypical sewer water. The hero staggered but didn’t fall.

    “Hehe, weak.” he shot flames at the villain. Purpled blocked it with his arm, his sleeve flaring up and smoking.

    “You little…” Purpled repeatedly slashed at the hero, his sword cutting a shallow gash in Pyromancer’s torso and minor injuries everywhere else. (I think I’m a sadist…) Purpled eventually pinned him down by his wrists, making sure to stay close to the aforementioned stereotypical sewer water, in case Pyromancer here needed dousing.

    “O-ok! Purpled, you win! I give up! You win…”

    Purpled chuckled lightly. “You have been…” he said, swinging his sword behind him.

    “P-Purpled?! What are you-”

    “...slain!” Purpled swung the sword down. Insert slicing sound effect. (I’m not a psychopath I swear- Purpled is though.)

    He lightly chuckled to himself and headed down the tunnel. There were heroes around a, let’s say, 300-metre radius. Time to go for a nice walk.

Chapter Text

     Bad turned. “Punz! You’re back! So you’re considering it?” he smiled.

    Punz nodded. “Yeah, this is my, what, 5th? 4th? time visiting. It’s about time. So, how does this work?”

    “Ah, there are no formalities in place, so let’s just say ‘Punz is now part of the Eggpire’ and be done with it?” he said, somewhat jokingly.

    “Sounds good to me!”

    Echoing footsteps. Hm? Punz and Bad turned towards the staircase. A man. They both recognized him immediately, but Punz for more personal reasons.

    “Ah, Punz! It’s been a minute.” He noticed Punz’s red eyes and medallion but figured it was just because of all the red vines reflecting off them.

    “Techno. What brings you here? You gonna beg for me to come back?”

    “No, no, that’s your choice. Doesn’t matter to me. I didn’t even come for you. I came for the Egg.” Wasn’t that the same thing?

      Punz was immediately suspicious. Techno hated the Egg (somehow). What stunt was he gonna pull?

    Bad clapped, interrupting Punz’s thoughts. “Great! What did you need?”

    Techno approached the glossy surface of the Egg. “To destroy it.” He lit a mini flamethrower that came from plot knows where and shot it towards the base.

    Nothing happened.

    Bad only laughed. “I expected more from the first place hero in the country, fool. The Egg is too mighty to succumb to fire! It can never be burned!”

    “Huh.” Techno lowered the flamethrower. “Can it be frozen?”

    “Uh… no comment?” Bad said nervously while Punz facepalmed.

    “Hm. I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks,” he said while exiting in the most generic, slow manner. Bad and Punz could’ve tried to stop him, but what were they supposed to do?! Die?! This man’s probably got an axe on him!

    Techno left, leaving the Eggpire members standing frozen in the most “...” way ever.

    “Well, that could’ve gone better,” Punz said. Bad glared. (The only purpose of this interaction is to say “Punz is corrupted by the egg (as if the reader didn’t already get that from the title of Chapter 8 [Chapter 10]” and to utilize the joke I stole almost word-for-word from Skylanders Academy)

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     “Hey, where’d Sap go?” Pleuro (George) looked around. (The name Pleuro comes from the scientific name of the angel wing mushroom: Pleurocybella Porrigen!) Dream ran over.

    “Come to think of it, I haven’t seen him either.”

    “I swear to god this is why we don’t split up…” George sighed and looked around for anything, like an open door or burn marks on the ground. “Well, NOW we have to go looking for him.”

    Dream sighed. “Let’s start east and go clockwise.” He already started off. George worriedly followed.

    Eventually, Dream found something. “Open sewer cover at three o’clock” he pointed.

    “First off, you don’t have to say three o’clock if you’re just gonna point. Second, why would he be down there? Do you think he found the convict?”

    “Possibly. C’mon, let’s go,” he said.

    George jumped down first.

    And immediately felt like throwing up.

    Just to clarify, not just because he was in a sewer. He wasn’t that much of a spoiled white boy.

    Ok, maybe a little bit.

    But mostly because there was Sapnap’s body right in front of him. Although, unlike most unconscious bodies, this one didn’t have a fucking head .

    “....George? What’s…?” Dream jumped down as well and trailed off after he saw Sapnap.”OH, HOLY SHIT!”

    George stayed silent, face pale and eyes red and slightly teary.

    Dream hesitantly walked up to Sapnap’s…corpse. He shut his eyes, took out the revive book and started his magic.

    “How did this even happen?!”

    “You know how we said he might have found the convict?”

    “Oh, fuck. Are you serious? Do you really think…?”

    “I’m just saying.”

    If only George could just use his illusion flair to hide the disturbing sight, but he can’t use his flair on himself.

    “Ok, he should start to heal now. We might want to close our eyes for this part. It’s…disturbing.” Dream backed off and George shut his eyes as tight as he could, as if that would do literally anything at all.

    Sapnap sat up. “Ah, where the fuck-” he said, rubbing his thankfully-now-intact neck.

    “SAPNAP!” Dream and George smiled.

    “Where’s Purpled?!” Sapnap looked around.

    “Purpled? Was that who it was?” George questioned.

    “That motherfucker and his motherfucking sword… He’s gone, isn’t he?” Sapnap groaned, frustrated.

    “We just found you down here. We can try to follow him???” Dream didn’t have much confidence in his words for once in his life .

    “We’ve been trying to do that since he was discovered. We’re not tracking him down. The most we can do is check footage but that’ll just lead back in here. Now c’mon, let’s get out of this dump.” George head back up, clearly in denial of what just happened.

    “George is clearly very ready to get out of here. White boy.” Sapnap chuckled.

    George sighed in response and shut the sewer cover, trapping Dream and Sapnap in the sewer.

    “Hey, I did nothing!” Dream joked.

    George lifted the cover again. “Well, at least now we know who blew up HQ. Dream, go tell the others. We’ll find him eventually.”

    “As if,” Sapnap muttered under his breath.

    “Imagine if Purpled and Punz got together. One mercenary against the other, teams piling money on the table,” George chuckled.

    “Seriously, I pay the guy ONE TIME and all of the sudden he’s money-driven and a mercenary!” Dream was obviously annoyed at his former teammate as he climbed the ladder.

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     Tommy yeeted himself out the window. In an intentional way. He grabbed the window overhang I-forgot-what’s-it’s-called-but-I’m-too-lazy-to-look-it-up thingy and swung up onto the roof.

    And immediately got a splinter. At least it was big enough to just pull out. Minor inconvenience. Tommy brushed his hands on his trousers and left on his merry way.

    He walked around, pretty much doing parkour along the buildings and bouncing up and down, enjoying the vigilante life. He was strolling along the pavement, the scene mostly dark except for the lampposts shining brightly. (Seriously, I don’t get times of day in my own fic, but I think a day is about 5 chapters, not counting time skips. Keywords: I think)

    Some guy turned the corner in front of Tommy, freezing up, a fluffy orange tail swishing behind him. (Yeah, who do YOU think it is?!) Probably because Tommy was quite famous at this point. There were already reports on what happened just earlier, how he got away from the SBI despite doing literally nothing. Wow, when you phrase it like that it actually sounds impressive.

    Tommy heard him mutter something under his breath and then disappear.

    Wait, what do you mean “disappear”?!?!

    Invis pot? No, he would’ve noticed that. Well, if you’re going invisible upon sight of a famously formidable vigilante, then you must be a wrongen.

    Tommy extended his baton. It hit the ground with a tapping sound I don’t have onomatopoeia for, temporarily blocking the probably-criminal.

      Anyway, just because you’re invisible, doesn’t mean you’re intangible. Tommy grabbed one of Tubbo’s new glitter bombs, stepped back with a slightly smug grin on his face, and tossed it.

    “Augh, what the fuck is this-” the now-visible stranger tried to rub the red, on-brand glitter off his body, but c’mon, it’s glitter. It’s going everywhere and it’s staying everywhere.

    Tommy had quite some glitter on him too, but it was totally worth it. He retracted the baton, but not before spinning it around like a badass.

    “So- ooh wait ahh this sounds cool.” Tommy hadn’t been used to the new voice changer Tubbo added to his mask. He started singing and the man gave what looked to be a confused look (it was hard to tell since he was still “invisible,” he just had glitter on him now.) and backed off, preparing to make an escape.

    “Oh, no you don’t,” Tommy quickly loaded the Vlog Gun™️ and shot it. And, thankfully, for once, he remembered to switch out the sedation darts for the poison.

    Oh, fuck yeah.

    The man writhed in pain as the invisibility wore off. At least now he could be identified. Tommy looked around for the street number so that Tubbo knew which cameras he had to hack later. One mental note later, and back to the present.

    Or maybe he could just ask.

    “So, what’s your name?”

    The man chuckled, despite the torturous pain (he’s probably trying to cope). “You think I’d just say?”

      Tommy shrugged. “If you don’t tell me your name I’m gonna have to make one up. How about… I don’t know… Clifton ?”

    He looked at the vigilante with a “what the fuck, stupid…” look on his face and left them in awkward silence for a while. “So, how long until some hero comes and takes me away?”

    “Bitchass heroes ruining everything…” he whispered. “I’d say about 15 minutes at most . But I can cuff you right now.”

    “That wouldn’t be preferred, but I can tell that it isn’t my fucking choice.”

    “Huh. You’re right. Alright, so you gonna make this easy, or you gonna struggle?” Tommy took out one of his now-many handcuffs. Seriously, they run into three villains at a time (AT MOST) and Tubbo still equipped both Tommy and Ranboo with, like, 37 each.

    “What’s the fucking point?” he held out his wrists behind his back.

    “Oh. Didn’t expect you to actually say that, but ok.” Tommy walked behind him.

    The still-glitter-covered individual swiftly elbowed him in the stomach and dashed out, activating his flair and turning invisible. But the glitter turned invisible too. Invisibility is so fucking confusing.

    Dear invisibility flairs, please be consistent. It is very inconvenient for the rest of us while we try to figure your fucking existence out. Sincerely, everyone who has ever existed.

    “HOLY SHIT, THAT ACTUALLY WORKED?! Almost pissed myself…” he muttered that last part.

    How rude. Where the fuck is he now? Tommy looked around but, nothing. How was he invisible again?! What happened to the glitter?! Did he have to throw another one?! He really didn’t want to. There was already a fair amount of sparkle on himself as well.

    Dammit. A short interaction followed by a complete getaway. Those patrols are such a letdown. You get your hopes up, thinking something exciting’s gonna happen, and then the culprit escapes. Like, what the fuck?! Even a hero would’ve at least made it INTERESTING. Tweet-worthy, even.

    And now that he said that, a hero will now come any minute and they would have an epic fight!

    …

    He was too optimistic. Why does the universe love proving people wrong?

    Tommy sighed. Twitter’s gonna know ALL about this. And in case you’re wondering, he does have a separate Twitter account for his vigilante-sona. Anyone who doesn’t is a dumbass. Big Man Tommy isn’t a dumbass. If there was an antonym to the word “dumbass” it would be Tommy. Unfortunately, thesaurus.com won’t register that as an official antonym.

    (I had an idea here but once I finished writing the setup I forgot it. L. That’s probably why this interaction is so useless.) Now what? He could go home, but it’d only been, like, half an hour since he left. Eh, he could make up the excuse that it was getting dark. It was already dark to begin with, but he could say it was getting dark er . That “er” makes all the difference when it comes to excuses. It’s Fake Excuses 101.

    Besides, Tubbo won’t even know until he shows up at the front door. Or through the window, making a dramatic entrance, bursting his door open and gaining the nickname Mr Bust Down. Whichever he feels like doing. Probably the latter.

    Oh yeah, and he was probably gonna have to change and wash his outfit. Small, spread-out glitter flecks made their homes on the entire lower half of Tommy’s body.

    Tommy strolled down the avenue, not too worried about standing out since it was nighttime.

    Until it wasn’t. The next thing he knew, the sun’s light was starting to peek over the horizon. Aw, he missed the sunset. Almost. Tommy somehow scrambled his way onto a random rooftop. The sky shone bright oranges and reds. It’s always so beautiful and calming.

    Ok, maybe not “always”.

    Sometimes the sunrise is very stressful because it reminds him of the fact that HE WAS OUT AT NIGHT FOR THAT LONG OH GOD HE NEEDED TO GET BACK TUBBO WAS GONNA KILL HIM.

    As soon as he remembered that, Tommy yeeted himself off the roof. In an intentional way. He hastened towards the house, praying that Tubbo was either asleep or too tired to pay attention or maybe even just didn’t notice.

    None of those choices seemed at all likely, even the first one.

    Tommy soon started hearing more car sounds zooming by. Why is it that no matter what time it is, there’s always at least 20 cars just zooming by as if sleep isn’t a thing?

    (PAGE 100 LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) He approached the crossing he was supposed to cross. Who knew that you were supposed to CROSS a CROSSING, AMIRITE??? That was a joke, by the way. If you took that seriously you need help. Some other guy was on the other side, probably crossing the opposite way Tommy was. Or, Vermilion, since he’s still in getup (plus a little extra sparkle).

    Vermilion tried not to make eye contact, but that was pretty easy since the other’s eyes were glued to his stupid phone.

    The traffic light hadn’t changed a bit when Mr Phone Idiot started crossing. What the fuck?! Did this guy have a suicide wish?!

    The all-too-familiar-for-any-normal-person sound of car tires screeching rung in his ears. Mr Phone Idiot turned towards the sound of the noise, the headlights reflecting perfectly in his round glasses. Neither of them had time to scream.

    Vermilion’s body moved on its own. He dashed to the middle of the street, tackling Mr Phone Idiot out of the way of the car. They lay on the street, and Vermilion adjusted his mask, just in case.

    Mr Phone Idiot pushed up his glasses and looked at the vigilante.

    “What the hell were you fucking doing?!” Vermilion half-screamed. The voice changer made it sound funny. “C’mon, let’s get off the street. Are you hurt?”

    “N-no, I’m fine, thank you.” His breathing was irregular, but c’mon, he nearly just died. Who’s breath WOULD be regular?! “Did the car hit you?”

  “I don’t know. Adrenaline’s pumping.” The vigilante stood up and dusted himself off, helping Mr Phone Idiot up as well.

    “Thank you so much, but I have somewhere I need to be so…goodbye!” He nearly said, “see you later”. Thank god he caught himself in time.

    “Just doing my job.” Vermilion flicked out his wrist in a two-finger salute. He turned and sighed, speed-walking back home (by then he had concluded that he WASN’T hit by the car). At least now he had a story to tell Tubbo and Ranboob once he got back. That would make them (and by “them” he means just Tubbo) less mad, wouldn’t it?

    He forgot his key again, so he decided to go the window route. Unless Tubbo closed it, it should still be open from when he left. Tommy took out his baton, aimed it downwards and extended it, causing him to be lifted up Cat Noir-style.

    He landed on the windowsill with a tap. Thankfully the window was still open and Tubbo’s bed was empty, so he probably wasn’t asleep. Tommy wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. He pulled down his mask and changed out of his costume and into pajamas. (I don’t know what to call them without it sounding stupid, so stupid it is!)

    BAM! BAM! What the fuck? Tommy swiftly exited the room and when he pushed his hand off the doorframe, he felt it vibrate a little. So the sound was coming from inside the house, either ricocheting off the walls or generated from the walls.

    Tommy was going downstairs to check and see what in the goddamn hell was going on and Ranboob was on the stairs, banging the wall.

    What the fuck???

    “Ranboob!” he called, but the hybrid didn’t seem to notice. Tommy walked up next to him, shaking him gently. “You good?”

    Ranboo stopped. He rubbed his eyes and let out one of those sleepy groans. “What?” His mind tried to process what was going on.

    “You were banging the wall.”

    “Oh. Was I sleepwalking?” Ranboo rubbed his neck.

    “I think you know the answer to that.”

    “Yeah. I’m going to bed now. Goodnight, Tommy.”

    Tommy didn’t say goodnight back. He could’ve sworn he saw a small bit of blood on Ranboo’s knuckles. That’s concerning.

    He went downstairs and decided if Tubbo was there he could lie and say he was home for longer. Tommy grabbed a bag of crisps and started searching for Tubbo.

    He was in the first place Tommy looked.

    Tubbo looked quite peaceful, sleeping on his desk, one arm extended, snoring softly. Tommy only smiled and left to sleep.

Chapter Text

     Tubbo woke up on his worktable. Did he fall asleep while working again? His mind tried to load up what was going on, what he was doing, etc. Oh yeah, he was fixing bugs on the grappling “hook”. Wait, did he unplug his soldering gun?!

  Good, he did. He nearly gave himself a heart attack. Ok, so the bug fixes were going pretty well, but he needed some more hardware for some of it. Hardware he didn’t have. Well, he couldn’t work on it now, but if he didn’t he would feel stressed as fuck, so he’d just leave a note for Ranboo and Tommy that he’d be out for about an hour to buy supplies.

    They also didn’t have any more spaghetti, but he sure as hell wouldn’t be buying any more. Ranboo had been making spaghetti almost nonstop for like a week. No wonder it’s out!

    Tubbo scribbled a crude message on a sticky note and smacked it on the workroom door. He decided to bring his music earpiece because fuck it, why not? Better than shopping in silence or the odd ambient music convenience stores always have.

    It was a shame they didn’t have a car. Walking takes 5 times longer, plus miserable points. He already showed interest in making a hoverboard, but it would not only look weird and clearly match Tubbo’s gadget style, but it would require the materials that he was out buying right now.

    Most stores didn’t sell materials needed for robotics and programming, but he could almost always rely on 7-eleven.

    Almost.

    Often he needed metal. And 7-eleven doesn’t straight up sell metal. Then he would go to the local recycling centre. The people there usually don’t let him in, but doing what people tell you to is not the vigilante way.

    The Bench Trio motto: “If someone says to do or not to do something, do the exact opposite of whatever they said out of spite.”

    A little breaking and entering never hurt anyone, right?

    Since he was out anyway, Tubbo decided to make the hoverboard after all. It would probably need a lightweight metal, plastic, or silicone. Same lifting mechanics as the Bouncers™️. (He finally gave them a name. Calling them “booster shoes” for so long was more than bothersome.) However, a hoverboard would need more balance and stability, though precision could be sacrificed.

    Tubbo thought about it more as he entered the only 7-eleven he could reliably get to and from. The salesman welcomed him as normal.

    Nothing interesting happened as Tubbo bought his things. With Honey by Derivakat playing in one ear, he picked out the shit he wanted, bought it with credit and left, a plastic bag slung onto his elbow.

    He started walking back home. But, as you can tell by the fact that I’m even writing this, something interesting happened.

    In an alley between some old houses, he heard a cute meow. Aw, an alley cat. It was a British shorthair with eyes the colour of his own: lapis lazuli blue. It looked so innocent and pure.

    Tubbo slowly walked over to the cat to pet it. If it had rabies or some other disease, fuck that. The cat was cute. It would be worth it.

    He’d gone well into the alley when the cat ran off and ducked into some small opening about the size of a hole in a fence. Aw man.

    He heard the sound of jumping. An ambush. A hand clamped over his mouth. Who is this person?! And why were they using the come-behind-and-cover-mouth approach?! That is the oldest trick in the book, and not for good reason!

    Tubbo could think of about 37 ways to escape, but he wanted to know what they wanted from him. So he stayed silent and played along.

    “ Sleep, ” the stranger commanded. A hypnosis flair, huh? Tubbo did the smartest (and only) thing he could do in that situation.

    He slept.

     Tubbo woke up in a moving car. His hands were taped with duct tape, along with his feet. And they use duct tape too?! How bad at kidnapping are these fools?! He wasn’t even blindfolded!

    There were three people in the car. Tubbo was in the middle seat, two people on either side and one, of course, driving. The shotgun seat was left open.

    “Hey,” the person on the left tapped the driver. “Kid’s awake.”

    “Just keep him restrained. He can’t do anything,” Right Guy responded.

    That was an insult to Tubbo. “Can’t do anything?!” He could knock the shit outta all of them like a door right now if he wanted to!

    Tubbo held his hands above his head and yanked down sharply, the tape around his wrists tearing with ease. Duct tape, seriously? Everyone knew that trick.

    Right Guy and Left Guy gaped. Driver probably would’ve gaped too if they weren’t driving.

    “Well, at least his feet are still taped?” Left Guy pathetically said.

    Tubbo kneeled over and used his now-free hands to pull off the tape, scrunching it up into a small ball and throwing it at Driver’s head.

    “Ow- little bitch! Why me?!”

    Tubbo didn’t respond. Only glared.

    “Can you do the ‘sleep’ thingy again?” Driver was clearly annoyed.

    Oh no. Not this again. “ Sleep .”

    Tubbo slept again .

     Tubbo woke up again in what looked to be an animal enclosure. The fuck ?! Who the fuck just has an animal enclosure ready for use?! A zookeeper?!?! And Tubbo isn’t an animal!

    The second someone came into the same room (Driver), Tubbo asked, “What do you want from me?”

    Many people ask that when they’re held hostage. But Tubbo meant it. And many people respond by saying they don’t want anything from you, they want something from someone you know but they decided you know what, instead of going straight to the target, NONONO, LET’S HOLD THEIR FAMILY AND FRIENDS HOSTAGE!!!

    It’s just stupid, to be honest. Tubbo did hope that this wasn’t the case. Mainly because he only had two close friends. A vigilante and another vigilante.

    Driver didn’t respond. Maybe they were still salty from having rolled-up duct tape thrown at them. Man, talk about holding a grudge. It was duct tape! And it was HIS duct tape! Not Tubbo’s! This man needed a cupcake!

    Tubbo was getting the silent treatment, so he gave the silent treatment back. He decided from then on, he was going to do something called “not reacting.”

    Driver started asking questions. Tubbo didn’t react. He didn’t even know the answer to most of them.

    Eventually, he left and Right Guy started asking questions. He was intimidating, but Tubbo didn’t react.

    Left Guy was the last to come in. As far as Tubbo knew, his flair was limited to hypnosis, so unless they wanted Tubbo to go back to sleep, nothing was going to happen to him either.

    Left Guy started asking questions too, and he was clearly starting to get angry towards the end. Tubbo didn’t react.

    Left Guy sighed. Finally, is he done? Right Guy was in the doorway and they started talking.

    “I think it’s time for you to do the torture thing.” Oh shit. Was this real?

    Right Guy seemed concerned. “Are you sure? I mean, he’s just a kid…”

    “Wrong torture method!” Is that a good thing? “The second one.”

    “Oh,” Right Guy grinned. “That’s gonna be way more fun.” Suddenly Tubbo was very scared for his life. But he still was able to not react.

    Right Guy pulled up a chair and sat down. Left Guy leaned against the doorway, both of them grinning like madmen.

    “So lately I’ve been reading this book…” Right Guy started.

    Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, this makes a lot of sense. This is the kind of torture where some guy with a weird hobby talks for hours on end to bore the victim into talking. It’s more effective than people think.

    Right Guy went on several tangents about several topics, often rapidly switching from one to another. Like, seriously dude, one at a time.

    A common topic in the tangents was reading, books, and the like. Tubbo took all his willpower to refrain from saying “I’m dyslexic, you insensitive bitch” or something along the lines of that, but he kept up with the “not reacting” facade.

    Right Guy kept talking, and now Left Guy was starting to get bored.

    Left Guy walked up to Tubbo’s cage. “Just say something! You can’t just sit still and do nothing forever! JUST DO SOMETHING PLEASE!” He was practically begging, but that only strengthened Tubbo’s resolve to not react.

    Left Guy gripped a stick from a desk that Tubbo recognized as Vermilion’s baton, one that he didn’t even know existed until just recently as he was able to squeeze a confession out of him.

    Left Guy stuck the stick between the bars and extended it, poking Tubbo in various places.

    And that was the breaking point. Not only from anger, but from the fact that what would follow would be hilarious.

    Tubbo gripped the tip of the baton and thrust it back to Left Guy’s face. Left Guy let go of his end of the baton and backed up, his hand to his face. Tubbo could see blood dripping down his nose.

    Tubbo retracted the baton to his side of the bars and let it clatter to the ground as he went back to his not-reacting pose, but he couldn’t help the slight grin creeping across his face.

    Left Guy was yelling curses at him while Right Guy up and left. Maybe to get tissues.

    After Left Guy finished cussing him out, he left too, leaving Tubbo alone. Seriously, how come every villain he’s come in direct contact with has been absolute TRASH at their job?!

    Tubbo would’ve scoffed but they could possibly still hear him. He weakened some of the bars with his flair, broke them with a punch, and walked through, bringing the baton with him. Well, now he knew what they were after, so he could honestly try to escape.

    Tubbo went through the doorway both Right Guy and Left Guy was in earlier. It led to the world’s shortest hallway, then to the world’s most ominous set of stairs.

    The stairs led to what looked like a lounge room or a living room (depending on whether this place was a house or some kind of office building).

    The exit was easily spotted. Probably because neon green “exit” signs are required in places like this, so Tubbo concluded it was probably the lounge room of some kind of office building.

    Tubbo sneaked his way there, but as he was rounding a sofa he felt arms scooping him up by his armpits.

    “How did you even get out?!” Driver’s voice.

    Tubbo wasn’t even angry. “Where the fuck did you even come from?!” He was just confused.

    Driver avoided the question, because, he gets it, how do you even answer a question like that? Driver started to walk him back down to the ominous stairs and Tubbo writhed around like a dry worm.

    He twirled the baton and extended it to hit Driver in the side. It didn’t. Driver dodged with the precision of a splash of water. Which is to say, almost none at all. Pure reflex.

    Ok, then. If you’re gonna be difficult, Plan B it is. Sorry, Driver, but you brought this upon yourself. Tubbo activated his flair in his hand and pressed it against Driver’s forearm.

    It didn’t take long for the pain to settle in. Physical for Driver, mental for Tubbo.

    Driver immediately let go with a yelp, and Tubbo ran for the exit. He didn’t look back. He tried not to hear Driver’s yells of pain, much louder in Tubbo’s than anyone else’s, most likely.

    Tubbo didn’t know exactly how to get home, but he knew where he was. That was a start. Did he have his phone? Ok, good he did. Tubbo tried to turn it on. It flashed the no-battery logo thingy. Are you shittin’ me?!

    His phone was dead. It was at about 50% last time he checked, so he guessed his kidnappers tried to find information on it or something while he was asleep. That would also mean he’d probably been asleep for a few hours . Tommy and Boo would be worried…

    Tubbo needed to get home and fast. He looked at his surroundings, not including the building he just left, which was now about a block away. Damn, he ran that far?

    Tubbo took a gamble and went right. Turning up the volume of his music, he tried not to think of Driver on the way.

Chapter Text

     Ranboo woke up to frustrated groaning. He doesn’t know how, but he immediately recognised it as Tommy’s.

    He went downstairs to check and yup. He was right. Tommy was laying on the sofa, Nintendo Switch™️ in hand. Video game frustration.

    “What’re you playing?” Ranboo asked.

    “Mario,” Tommy replied without taking his eyes off the screen. His little character hit a spike and he died. He groaned loudly.

    “Can I try?”

    “I’ve been on this stage for a good 8 days. I don’t think you can beat it, boob boy.”

    Ranboo ignored the insult. “You underestimate me. Can I try anyway?”

    Tommy reset the level and handed the Switch™️ over. Ranboo sat on the couch too, and Tommy watched over his shoulder.

    Ranboo went through the stage almost flawlessly, his movements swift and precise. Tommy was impressed but wasn’t gonna say it.

    “I keep dying on that part,” Tommy remarked. Ranboo’s eyes were locked in concentration. He grabbed a shell and did a shell jump, cheesing a large part of the level. (I don’t play Mario, so let’s pretend this level exists, somewhere.)

    Tommy stared as Ranboo finished the level a minute after that.

    “Done,” Ranboo handed the Switch back over to Tommy who was still in shock.

    “How?!”

    “Long story short, I’ve played it many times as a dumb stupid kid at the dumb stupid afterschool program in third grade,” Ranboo said, slight hints of PTSD in his expression and voice.

    “TEACH ME!!!” Tommy jumped up like a puppy. Although, call him a puppy and he will punch you in the throat. Unless you’re Tubbo. Tubbo’s fine.

    Ranboo smiled. “Want me to teach some tricks?” Tommy nodded vigorously.

    “Alright, then. So what I did before is called a shell jump and you time it with…” Ranboo continued, teaching Tommy all sorts of tricks. He gave Tommy a test level to use what he learned, but that was half just an excuse to leave.

    Ranboo looked for Tubbo. He wasn’t downstairs, but Ranboo found a sticky note on the workroom door.

    Oh, so he was out getting supplies. Ranboo didn’t know when the note was written, but he assumed the best and guessed it was written recently. If it takes too long then he’ll call and try to find him. (little did he know he was getting kidnapped)

------------------------------------------------

     “The door is that way. Please leave,” Jack said monotonously as he waved in the direction of the door. He didn’t even look up as he fidgeted with a Rubik’s cube, not even trying to solve it.

    “Well, that’s a bit rude,” Schlatt said with a joking tone in his voice. He leaned against an invisible door frame, crossing his arms.

    “I mean it. Please. Leave,” Jack repeated, adding more emphasis to each word and looking up to make eye contact. “I’m not in the mood.”

    “You’re never ‘in the mood,’ you know that, right?”

    “That… is very correct.”

    “Is this because you’re such a failure?”

    “That’s putting it bluntly, but yes. I am very much a failure.” Schlatt couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

    “Listen, when you’re a rioter, you are what commoners call ‘villains’. You know the comic books? The heroes win, the villains lose. Except for when they don’t. Add yourself to the ‘don’t’ category.” Schlatt spoke with exaggerated hand motions.

    “Geez, Schlatt, how inspirational.” Jack rolled his eyes. “I don’t even care if I ‘win’ or if I ‘lose’. I do this because I fucking want to. No one can stop me from doing what I want. Maybe my options would be limited in those certain situations, but they would still be present. If I go to jail, so be it! I’ll just cuss out the wardens!”

    Schlatt let him rant. He did have a point. Cussing out wardens is fun. He would know. He’s still technically an escapee, but that felt like an eternity ago. It doesn’t count anymore, right?

    “But if you go to jail you won’t be able to see your friends.” Schlatt sat down cross-legged and tapped his finger on the floor.

    “You think I have friends? And if you think you’re my friend, you’re wrong.”

    “Or Niki.”

    “Hm.” Jack looked at the floor.

    “So stop getting caught. You should know this by now. I seriously have no clue how they haven’t caught you yet. You would think policemen are competent.”

    “Hey- You say that like I’m a pushover!”

    “That’s because you are one.”

    “What is this?! ‘Bully Jack Manifold Day?!’”

    “Actually, that was a few weeks ago.”

    “And I still haven’t recovered!”

    Schlatt snickers until it turns into a full-out guffaw.

    "It’s not funny!” Jack looked angry. That’s because he was.

    “It is very funny. Comedy gold. Anyway, stop being so bold. If you keep this up the police will get you one day. Maybe the only reason they haven’t caught you yet is that you have a good flair.”

    Jack crossed his arms. “You switched from /j to /srs very fast.”

    “That’s beside the point. Maybe you should try using your flair in unique ways. Ways that WON’T get you caught by the police.”

    Jack threw his arms up. “It’s not that simple! Of course, you wouldn’t know. You don’t even have a flair.”

    “That proves that I can do crime without a flair and not get caught, so you-” Schlatt poked him in the chest. “-can do crime with a flair and not get caught.”

    Jack pushed away his hand. “What’s your point?”

    “My point is don’t get caught! God, I thought that was obvious.”

    “Hm. Ok. You can leave now. Bye-bye.”

    “What, you gonna sulk more?”

    “Yup.” Jack stood up. “Anyway, I’m surprised you actually gave good advice for once in your life.”

    “I take it you underestimated me. Bye.” Schlatt stood up and left the room, leaving Jack by himself to sulk.

    Or to do some redemption crime.

    Yeah, definitely the latter.

------------------------------------------------

    “GIVE ME BACK MY SWITCH! YOU ALREADY HAD A TURN!” Ranboo lunged for the gremlin child.

    “WELL, IT’S MINE NOW, YOU FUCKING PUSSY!” Tommy had one arm wrapped around the Nintendo Switch™️, the other flailing recklessly at his roommate. He stuck out his tongue tauntingly.

    “OH, SO WE’RE PLAYING THE NAME GAME NOW?!”

    Seriously, we left these guys alone for one section and they already got into a fight smh-

    “I COULD CLART YOUR ARSE!”

    “I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY, FLAIRLESS!”

    Tommy dramatically gasped in fake offence. “How could you?! That is a slur!”

    “It’s literally not though???”

    “You’re getting cancelled on Twitter!”

    “Not if I cancel you first! #tommyinnitisoverparty!”

    “#ranboobisoverparty!”

    “That’s not even my real Twitter @!”

    The front door lock undid and the door swung open. Tubbo didn’t even get to say “I’m home.”

    “Tubs! Help me cancel this bitch!”

    “What the fuck…”

    “Tommy took my Switch, he’s saying flairless is a slur and now he’s trying to cancel me on Twitter!”

    “It’s my Switch now, you fucking tory!”

    “Shut up!”

    Tubbo sighed at their dumbassery. “Both of you, stop.”

    Ranboo and Tommy obediently sat down on the sofa, Tommy with his legs crossed and Switch in his lap. He turned his head and glared daggers at Ranboo.

    “Hey! No… stop that.” Tubbo spoke as if he were talking to a dog. He glared daggers at Tommy and unfortunately, his were sharper. Tommy backed down. “Give Ranboo back his Nintendo Switch and apologise.”

    Tubbo may as well be the one with the mind control flair because Tommy took the switch and nudged it in Ranboo’s direction.

    “Sorry…” Tommy muttered just loud enough for Ranboo to hear but everyone knew it wasn’t genuine. Nobody cared though. He gave some effort.

    “It’s alright…” Ranboo responded in the same half-insincere tone.

    “Now,” Tubbo clapped his hands. “You know the drill.”

    “Why is it only me and not Ranboob?” Tommy complained.

    “Ranboo’d just teleport in midair. Now, go on.” Tubbo motioned upstairs. Tommy sighed and reluctantly went up the stairs and to their room. Tubbo followed, arms crossed.

    Tommy opened the sliding window and jumped out, landing gracefully because he was the great Tommy Innit, and because nowhere in the rules did it specify how to land.

    Tubbo leaned his head out the window. “Now get back in here quick! We have shit to do!”

    “Yes, sir,” Tommy replied sarcastically. He ran to the backyard door since it would take less time to get there and it was always unlocked. “I’m back, bitches.”

    “Yes, yes, you don’t have to say that. You were gone for 5 goddamn seconds.”

    “Aw, miss me?”

    “No. It was 5 seconds.”

    “I am offended,” Tommy said monotonously. “Anyway, Tubbo, you said, and I quote, ‘we have shit to do?’”

    “Yeah. That was a lie.”

    “WTF TUBBO YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT I COULD’VE DONE SO MUCH LEGAL CRIME IN THAT TIME FTGYHUJIWIDJWK” Tommy yelled.

    “Yeah, I agree with Tommy (but with less obnoxion.)” Ranboo said.

    “Is ‘obnoxion’ even a word?”

    “Hm. I don’t know.” Ranboo took out his phone and googled it. “Uh, on Urban Dictionary it says ‘Obnoxion is a word made by Moriah Elizabeth in one of her youtube videos and means that something is obnoxious,’ and then for the example, it says ‘Crooked eye Marie is obnoxion.’ Who the hell is Crooked eye Marie?” (Yes that was an intentional reference. Yes I watch Moriah Elizabeth)

      “Why must the English language be so confusing?” Tubbo leaned over the sofa to look at the phone screen.

    “Everyone asks themselves that question every day.” Ranboo put away his phone. “Besides, this is one of those words that someone just made up. It’s not a real word.”

      “Can’t you say that about all words?”

    “I can feel my number of brain cells dropping,” Tommy interrupted. “I’m going upstairs.”

    “Careful!” Tubbo shouted up the stairs. “You don’t have many to lose!”

    Tommy sprinted back down. “YOU BITCH YOU PRICK NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN!”

    Tubbo only burst out wheezing in response as Tommy practically strangled the boy.

Chapter Text

      ~ Time Skip ~

    Wilbur suddenly stood up, slamming his hands on the dinner table.

    “Jeez, Wilbur, a little warning would’ve been nice,” Techno responded. Yeah, right. He didn’t even flinch.

    “What’s wrong, mate? Is it because you don’t get as much screen time as us-” Phil was quickly interrupted.

    “I WANT TO GET STRONGER!” Wilbur shouted. Although, true, he hasn’t had any screen time at all since Chapter 2, despite being the main character. Not even a mention. Phil and Techno got their own POVs in Chapters 6 and 7, but all Wilbur gets is NOTHING.

    So maybe screen time had something to do with it.

    Oh well, better late than never. Wilbur’s getting his POV here. (I shatter the 4th wall into a million little pieces.)

    “Why? You’re already strong enough. You can control almost everyone with ease and without resistance.” Phil tilted his head.

    “Yeah, but how much stronger can I get? You guys are top 2 & 3, I’m only the 5th, even though my flair is, and no offence, more useful than yours!”

    “None taken. But I agree that you should train. Even if you’re strong, that doesn’t mean you can’t get stronger.” Techno said.

    “Techno, you sound like Ash from Pokémon.”

    “10-year-olds speak wisdom, what can I say?” He leaned back in his chair.

    “So who should I train with? And again, no offence, but you guys are pushovers and I can control you with ease.”

    “None taken.”

    “Maybe someone with some kind of psychic power… ah! I know who…”

    “Good. Now leave as we have had to sit here and listen to your rambling.”

    “ Frontflip out the window. ”

    “Willlll,” Phil half complained, half scolded.

    “It’s been too long since I’ve got to do that.”

    “It’s been less than a fucking day.”

    “Exactly.”

    “You know, most people spend their whole lives NOT throwing other people out windows.”

    “They should try it sometime.”

    Phil sighed.

------------------------------------------------

    Wilbur slammed open the door to George’s office. The illusionist was sleeping on his desk, as per usual.

    “YO BITCH! WAKE DA FUCK UP!”

    George flinched. “Hi, Wilbur. Do you need me for something?” He sat up straight and rubbed his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie.

    “Yes. I want to train with you.”

    “Not a pleasant start to my morning…”

    “IT’S SEVEN FUCKING PM!”

    “Fine. Why me though?”

    “Your brain resists my mind control, so I thought it would be good training.”

    “...Why did you have to phrase it like that?”

    “SHUT UP! Let’s just go! Meet me in the training room!” Wilbur left.

    “I’ll be there!” George responded to the shut door. He sighed. Did Wilbur have a bad day or something?

------------------------------------------------

     George soon arrived at the “training room,” but they may as well call it what it is: a school gymnasium.

    Wilbur punched a target mannequin. “Ah! Finally, you’re here.” he pushed the mannequin to the ground and dusted his hands. “How about we start with a spar?” he got into a stance.

    “Fine with me.” George activated his flair, his eyes softly glowing a light greenish-teal. “Who’s going first?”

    Wilbur smirked smugly. “Well, since you’re so generous how about I do the honours?! Stand down. ”

    George flinched. It was clear he was fighting for his own mind’s control.

    The room started spinning around Wilbur. He tried not to get dizzy. It’s not real. None of it is. Don’t trust your eyes. No matter how much he told himself, his body would keep trying to get itself to not fall down, despite it never falling in the first place.

    George smiled. Prick. It must’ve been fun watching him stagger around. “Is that it?”

    “ Stand. Down, ” he repeated, with more power. He could see George’s legs shake, wanting to stay up but being pushed to go down.

    George’s eyes grew bright. He made illusionary clones of himself that surrounded the room. “Now, I know this is cliché, but can you tell which one’s the real me?”

    “Without a doubt I can, bitch!” Wilbur tried his best to ignore the spinning and focus on his target. He ran straight forwards and went for the hit.

    “Oh? How’d you know?”

    “This isn’t a TV show! You just keep your eyes on the one that appeared first! It’s not like you could’ve instantaneously traded places with one of your clones without me noticing.” Wilbur kept up the attacks while George either blocked or dodged, the only two options for if you aren’t getting hit.

    “Smarter than I thought.”

    “Dumber than I thought!” Wilbur grabbed George’s head and kneed him straight in the forehead.

    “AH WTF!” George wriggled out and reached his hand up to touch his forehead. “ That hurt like hell! This is a spar, not a death match!” Blood dripped down.

    “Ah, sorry! Do you need help?” Wilbur stepped forwards.

    “No, I’m fine, thank you very much!” His words were bitter.

    Wilbur stopped. Oh, he already knew Gogy was never gonna let him live this down for the rest of his life. George is the kind of person who holds grudges.

    Uh…

    Oops.

    OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW LOOK AT THE TIME GOTTA GO PATROL-

------------------------------------------------

     Tommy crouched down on the corner of the building roof. Ah, patrol. Not a fan usually, but when something exciting happens it’s REAL exciting. But most of all, he gets to beat people senseless but align with morals. Isn’t that nice? He gets to beat people up, WITHOUT going to jail!

    Well, vigilantism is illegal, so if he was caught he would go to jail…

    But that doesn’t matter, does it?

    Tommy posed on the roof like Spider-Man, then quickly stopped because it’d be embarrassing if anyone saw him.

    Ah, fuck it.

    Tommy took a running start off the building and launched the grappler-hook-but-not-a-hook. Grappler magnet, maybe. It stuck on some faraway surface (??? Spider-Man does it like that) and he jumped. The wind ruffled his hair and the grappler-magnet-thingy buzzed when the cord retracted and extended between swings.

    A small part of him was scared (VERY SMALL! TOMMYINNIT IS A BIG MAN!) it was gonna break or something. It was a new gadget after all. But he knew it’d be fine. Tubbo tested the thing for errors back in, like, Chapter 4. He’d be fineeeee… Even if it did malfunction he’d be fineeeee…

    He’d just break several bones.

    And the Bench Trio’s already very limited budget.

    And his pride.

    Mainly his pride.

    Anyway, moving swiftly on from that. Tommy kept a bird’s eye view watch on the neighbourhood and a little over that since he now had fast travel. For once in his life. Occasionally, he’d come across a mugging and it was really funny when he’d shoot the grappling magnet down and bonk them on the head.

    After that, they would usually run away, but the persistent ones flipped him off on the way. Anyway, that wasn’t even where the story was going.

    Tommy stumbled on the edge of a building and his Vlog Gun™️ fell into one of the many alleyways just to remind the reader that he still has it.

    Why does the city have no limit to shady alleyways? Put your buildings next to each other, goddammit!

    Fuck. He shot the grappling magnet at the building he was on and rappelled down like fucking Bear Grylls. Someone must’ve heard the clattering sounds of the gun falling because some generic-ass figure dove into the alley and snatched it up.

    FUCK. Tommy jumped down the rest of the way, landing perfectly like the king he was, retracting the grappling magnet with a zzzzip .

    The aforementioned generic-ass figure pulled back the black whatever-you-call-it on the gun, loading it.

    The aforementioned generic-ass figure needs a name. I shall dub thee, Pencils, for no reason in particular. (WE BACK WITH THE NAMES BABYYY!)

    “This is your Vlog Gun, isn’t it?” Pencils asked in a polite voice. “It looks like a toy.”

    “Yes it is, and yes, I’m aware. Can I have it back, please?” Vermilion was glad the voice changer hid his panic and desperation.

    “I heard this thing’s got some strong sedation,” Pencils ignored his words. “Some reports say just two darts are lethal.”

    “...I’m sorry, what? ” This was new. Vermilion pulled back in genuine confusion. “Since when?!” Unless they were talking about the poison, not the sedation. Even so, it wouldn’t kill a person. At worst they’d pass out. Never die.

    “Oh,” Pencils said simply. Tommy prayed to Ph1LzA that Pencils didn’t know the darts were poison instead of sedation. Although that plan backfired in about 10 seconds.

    Pencils aimed the gun and shot straight at the vigilante’s chest.

      “WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR!” he yelled, dodging quickly. “I’D LIKE THAT BACK, PLEASE AND THANK YOU!”

    “Why? This thing is cool!” Pencils kept shooting and Vermilion kept dodging.

    He quickly got fed up and shot the grappling magnet at the gun, then retracting it, the gun flying out of Pencils' hands and into Vermilion’s. Wow, he didn’t think that’d actually work, but I guess it makes sense.

    “Oh, sh-” Pencils shifted their body weight to make an escape.

    “Oh no you FUCKING don’t!” Vermilion’s hands moved at the speed of light, pulling the trigger and reloading the gun to shoot again. Darts flew and so did Pencils. Not literally, in Pencils’ case.

    Vermilion was probably wasting so many darts on this dumb guy, but they tried to legit STEAL the Vlog Gun™️! And they failed miserably!

    The cat-and-mouse game continued for a while. Vermilion occasionally checked the darts inside to make sure he wasn’t going to run out or anything, but the darts inside didn’t seem to deplenish at all. Jesus, how much was in this fucking thing?

    Eventually, Vermilion was able to wrap up the fight by finally landing a hit. One handcuffing later, and now there was another unconscious body in an alley to be picked up by the authorities, one of many. Tommy lifted up the grappling magnet and shot it at the roof of one of the buildings, but before it launched him into the air, he heard footsteps coming from behind.

    “ Hey, ” Willow said suavely, his familiar voice echoing slightly against the brick walls that created the alley.

      “You’re a bit too late. Piss off,” Vermilion replies with a sharp tongue as he uses the other hand to shoot Willow over his shoulder with a poison dart bound to teach him a lesson.

    Willow dodged so swiftly you couldn’t even see it. How that man was so fast no one knew. Not even himself, probably. “Did you have a bad day or something?” he teased. You could hear the smile in his voice, even under his cloth mask.

    “No, just felt like telling you to piss off, bald boy.” Vermilion ran a hand through his own hair as if to flex.

    “Hey- I’M NOT FUCKING BALD!”

    “Let’s see, how to combine ‘bald’ and ‘Willow’. Ballow. Baldlow. Wilbald. Why did you choose the name Willow, anyway? Not like it has anything to do with your little hero persona.”

    “Personal… reasons…” Willow trailed off a little. The real reason was so that if anyone called him ‘Wil’ by accident it wouldn’t be a big deal. Can you tell he has trust issues?

    That was a joke, by the way.

    Kind of.

    “Oh well. Doesn’t change your baldness.” Vermilion teasingly shrugged.

    “AT LEAST I’M NOT A 12-YEAR-OLD GREMLIN!”

    “FUCK YOU!” Vermilion retaliated best he could, knowing full well there was no way he was revealing his real age to a hero, no matter how bad he wanted to flex his manliness.

    Willow raised his arms in fake surrender. “Woah, I get we’re in this secluded alleyway and everything, but don’t get ahead of yourself,” he said, grinning.

    Vermilion stared at him with a blank-slate look on his face, trying to comprehend what he just said.

    “I-” he stuttered. “That was smooth. Real smooth. I can’t even get mad at that one.” Vermilion laughed and Willow joined.

    Must’ve been a weird sight for passersby. Just a hero and a vigilante casually making sex jokes in a dark alleyway.

    And just a reminder, Tommy’s arm is still in the air hanging from the grappling magnet. He was definitely gonna feel that soon.

    “So, I came here to arrest you but…” Willow backed off.

    “You’re leaving?”

    “Thank fuck I am,” the hero joked. “Anyway, I’m gonna go make up a lie to tell the heroes. Bye.” he turned around and waved.

    “Ok, bye, I guess.”

    “JUST KIDDING BITCH BOIIIIII!” Willow turned back around and lunged for Vermilion’s open side, thinking he didn’t have an exit other than out the alley.

    “OI, YOU FUCKING BITCH BALD BITCH!” Vermilion yanked on the grappling magnet and retracted it up, landing on the roof with a tap. He looked back at the hero, stuck out his tongue tauntingly, and disappeared into the metaphorical sunset.

    Metaphorical because the sun already set long ago. Winter is crazy; the sun doesn’t rise until 9 a.m. and sets at fucking 5 in the afternoon. Well, it’s time to play some good old Minecraft. Because that makes total sense and definitely isn’t just a built-along-the-way bridge of imaginary plot.

------------------------------------------------

~ Time Skip ~

    Tommy hopped on Discord and found a single, lonely message on one of the many servers he joined purely out of spite. That single lonely message said, “im bored anyone wanna vc?”

    Oh yes. This is his time. He replied with an “im free rn” and joined VC with the sender.

    “Hello!” he started, voice abrupt like how it usually is.

    “Hi! Wanna play Minecraft?” The voice sounded feminine, but just to make sure Tommy checked their profile in Discord. Ok, so she is a girl.

    “Yeah, sure! How about we join my server? Just DM me your IGN and I can invite you.”

    She joined his server. (Her IGN was so stupid the writer can’t make it up.) “Hi! I’m here! Um, what do I do?”

    “I can give you some stuff and then we can do whatever you want, basically. This server is a vessel of chaos.”

    “ I live for the chaos. ”

    “Good! Now, let’s get going shall we… sorry, what should I call you?”

    “You can call me Cas! That’s not my real name, by the way.”

    “You can call me Wife Haver,” Tommy said jokingly, snickering.

    “Pfft!”

Chapter Text

     Cas turned out to be a pretty cool person. They basically caused chaos wherever they went, pranking, blowing up stuff, and putting penises in bedrock above people’s houses. Tommy gave her full diamond which is the most generous he’s ever been ever, but Cas still asked for netherite.

    Ungrateful son of a bitch.

    Anyway, it turns out she has an older brother whose PC account Cas is on. By her descriptions, he seemed like a posh dick.

    “Wait, does he have Twitter?” Tommy asked.

    “Whatever idea you have, I’m in. But he’s just across the room with his headphones plugged into his laptop, I have no clue what he’s doing.”

    “Ok, can you tweet from his account?”

    “Oh, hell yeah,” Cas opened up Twitter.

    “You got his password?”

    “He saves them, the idiot.” Cas grinned, softening her voice so her brother wouldn’t overhear.

    “Oh perfect! Idiot, he’s twenty-something?”

    “I’m in! Uh… what do I tweet? Ooh! I have an idea…”

    “Do something that makes him look bad!”

    “No, I have something better. ‘Everyone tweet pictures of…’ um… ‘chicken mascot costumes-’” she started laughing. “‘and tag me. I’ll reply to and retweet as many as I can’ And…tweeted!” Cas tried her best not to laugh too hard and catch her brother’s attention.

    Meanwhile Tommy was laughing his balls off, slamming his hand on the arm of his chair.

    “Stop laughing, you’re gonna make me laugh too! Oh sh- he’s coming. Pretend we’re playing Minecraft,” Cas switched windows to the block game. “It’s, uh, it’s getting dark can I make a house?” She said monotonously.

    “Pfft, sure, but like imagine he opens his Twitter notifs and- wait can he hear me?”

    “No, thank god. But he can still hear me so if I just say things that have nothing to do with the conversation that’s why.” She muttered the last part into the microphone.

    “Oh, ok.”

    “...”

    “...”

    “Hey, are you setting my build on fire?!”

    “HAHAHA!!!”

     “Are you done yet? I need to use my PC for something,” Tommy heard a faint voice from Cas’s mic.

    “Alright, just give me one more minute! Tommy, it’s you-know-who trying to get his computer back. Nice hanging out with you!”

    “Yeah, same, and tell him he sounds like a dick.”

    “Will do. Bye!”

    “Bye,” Tommy said as Cas hung up. He switched windows back to Discord.

    Friend request sent!

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     “Can you leave my room now?”

    “What, is it personal hero stuff again?”

    “Something like that.”

    “Clay, why are your answers always so vague?” Drista asked lightheartedly and with a smile.

    He only sighed in response and walked over to the desk. Drista took off her headphones and unplugged them. Sometimes it was a hassle using different headphones even though they had only one PC but it was better than dealing with Dream’s gamer sweat. She left the room and closed the door, walking to the living room to watch TV or something.

    “DRISTA, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!” Dream yelled back from the room.

    Drista giggled and innocently responded, “Do what?”

    “WHY ARE THERE WEIRD PICTURES OF CHICKENS IN MY TWITTER?!?!”

Drista burst out laughing and dashed off.

Chapter Text

     Author here. It's time. The inevitable time we've all known yet dreaded. I quit this fic. (I made it up to page 146 on google docs. Longest doc I have. I will cherish it forever.)

     I've lost motivation for this (though First Try is still going, albeit weakly). You probably noticed that the last few chapters have been really sloppy and I didn't even bother to come up with a title for one of them.

     Originally, this was supposed to just be a parody of tumoasd, but eventually, it started branching out into its own thing. Since it evolved like this, there are a couple of things I regret doing. One, Tubbo's Hornet stuff in chapter 2 was originally Big Law so that's why it doesn't make much sense. Two, Wilbur's hero name and flair would have been different if I'd treated it separately from the beginning.

     There are a few more mistakes that built up over this fic, like making Punz the main antagonist despite not knowing jack shit about Punz and including the Eggpire which limits my options with interacts.

     There's a reason I include a trigger warning for cringe in every single chapter.

     I won't mark this as completed in case I decide to reboot it or come back to it. Like I said way back in the beginning notes of the entire work if you want to complete this on your own feel free to!

     Here's some information that never made it into the fic but is still important to know if you want to continue it:

Cas is short for Casanova, a nickname for Drista because of her flair which is to control emotions like love (but on a minor scale because we make her too powerful, you know?

Wilbur and Techno's backstory is just Wendy's animated short from Don't Starve Together. Wilbur died and got revived at a young age but doesn't remember it, so the white streak in his hair he thought he was born with. No one ever told him the truth. That's also the first time their family met Dream.

     Actually, wait no that's it. I thought there'd be more.

     Anyway, parting is such sweet sorrow and goodbye.

Chapter Text

Idea 1:

Tommy: *being annoying*
Tubbo: i dare you to go climb that tree
Tommy: consider it done. 

Idea 2:

*rolls up invisible sleeves*

Idea 3:

Bench Trio robs house but only ends up taking 5 refrigerators (inspired by Duolingo; law lesson 2; i have a screenshot I'm serious)

Idea 4:

Tubbo sucks at apologies:
Tubbo: I'm sorry
person: no you're not
Tubbo: no I'm not

Idea 5: 

Some escapes from Sapnap/Bonfire via a fire escape because we love irony

Idea 6:

Tommy gets mad at the grocery store self-checkout and Ranboo has to stop him

Idea 7:

Jack can't see shit because of his 3D glasses

Idea 8:

put the corpse on ice, I'm on my way