Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Come on, come on, come on - we’ve been waiting for this for forever - wake up!” I’m awoken to the sound of Luke’s voice sounding extremely elated because today is the day. Saying that we’ve been waiting for forever for this would be a lie, because it's only been about a week since I knew we were even going to France. But today is finally the day and I'm thankful that Luke pulled strings to get me my passport within the week. Today is the day I leave my life behind with no set return date. It's terrifyingly exciting. 

"I'm up, I'm up. Aw, you're so happy today, I love to see it. How much sleep did you manage?" I ask Luke after noting his particularly joyous expression that just screams utter happiness beyond description. Sleep wise I can only imagine that despite his constantly beautiful appearance, he's definitely not slept well at all. 

"I couldn't sleep - I didn't sleep because I'm fucking amped Michael, oh my god I'm beyond excited. You have absolutely everything, right? Because we're just having breakfast then leaving. I'm so excited," Luke says to me and I'm so happy that he's excited and I just reassure him time and time again that I definitely have everything I need. I'm not so glad that he didn't sleep, but there's nothing anyone can do about that now. 

"Well I hope you can sleep on the plane, yeah baby? How're you feeling about everything? Won't be seeing Jamie for a while," I ask him, just making sure that this is what he really wants and he tells me that he'll be absolutely fine. Yesterday he spoke with Jamie privately, he went alone and I spent the day with Calum, Ashton and Fay because I'm going to miss my friends so much. Maybe more so than my parents. I've already said my goodbyes to my parents, they've had to work today, so I had to give my farewells yesterday and it was so emotional. 

"I'm so excited to see my doggies - I’m just so excited to go back,” Luke explains, absolute happiness in his voice and he’s been a lot better recently. He’s really been looking forward to being back in France, and I’m glad that Luke’s found his happiness. France is his happy place, literally and it’s such a beautiful thing. I can’t wait to see how happy he is whilst he’s actually there. It’s going to be phenomenal.

“I’m so excited for you Lu, let’s get up. Are we doing anything before we go?” I ask him and although he already explained the plan, I still want to know if there are specifics. He just hums about it for a little, laying down beside me with a huff, running his fingers along my forearm and he’s been very lovey dovey in the past week or so. 

The past week of exams was draining, but as soon as we finished any of those exams, we spent every other waking second together - and every sleeping second. He’s been all over me, in much higher spirits about life and I think he’s just so excited to go back to France. It’s so heartwarming.

“I want to play the piano until we leave, I think. I’m going to miss it here, but the piano in our other house is beautiful. I’m not having breakfast either, I’ll be sick on the plane,” Luke explains and I suppose that that’s a fair enough reason to not have breakfast. I’ve gotten far closer to his mother recently too, so when we both get up and Luke goes to the music room across the hall from his room, I just sit with Luke’s mother when she serves up a far too elaborate breakfast to me. Pancakes with fresh fruit and maple syrup.

“Are you excited for this? Luke is making the flight sound far worse than it truly is, he’s just not a great flier,” Luke’s mother asks me and I just nod because I’ve been waiting for this for so long. I’ve always wanted to go overseas and I’m just praying that it’s everything I’ve ever wished it was.

“Oh yeah, I’m sweet. I’m so excited, I’ll let you know if I feel sick or anything as well, I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’m fine on rollercoasters and things,” I say to Luke’s mother and she just smiles, saying that she’s sure I too will be fine. We sit here and eat together, Jack eventually joining us looking half asleep as light piano music can be heard down the hall. 

“Sleep well?” Luke’s mother asks and the answer is just a little shake of Jack's head as he sits beside me, looking rather exhausted to be honest. I don’t know if leaving him here alone is a great idea, but he knows that he can always go to my house, he can always stay with my parents, and they are so open with that fact too. If Jack ever needs to talk to anyone, my parents are always there.

“Just kinda couldn’t stay asleep so I’m quite exhausted. But hey, today is so exciting, yeah?” Jack says, turning his mood around to almost celebrate what’s happening today and he still reminds me of his brother. He’s smiling, he really is happy for us all to go to France, even if it means that he’ll have to be here alone.

“Quite. Are you going to come to the airport with us? Then you can drive the car back? Or we’ll just get a driver,” Luke’s mother asks and Jack says that he doesn’t want to drive whilst he’s like this, which is rather responsible of him really. He however does want to come to say goodbye and Mrs Hemmings just assures him that it’ll be a see you later and not a goodbye.

“I’m really happy for you all, seriously,” Jack says, yawning a little before resting his head on my shoulder how his brother would and we too have gotten a lot closer in the past few days. Jack bullied Luke into creating an Instagram account so that Luke can post things whilst we’re in France, and so that Jack can keep in better contact and see what we’re doing.

Jack’s Instagram account is verified, he is the son of a dead billionaire after all, so that was kind of a give in. I spent most of Friday afternoon after our final exams teaching Luke how to use the social media app and he doesn’t understand why anyone would do this sort of thing, but he simultaneously understood how to use it after I explained the basics. He posted a picture he took of the Sydney Opera house yesterday after he spoke to Jamie and it's definitely a beautiful photograph. He's gotten back into using his phone's camera and I'm glad. I don't even want to know how many stupid pictures he's taken of me and me of him in vice versa. 

Luke also went for his learners license for in Aussie this week too, let's just say it's been an eventful few days. He got every single question correct, so now he's technically allowed to drive with his mother in both Australia and France. The music leaving the room down the hall is beautiful and it's honestly just such a lovely thing to really think about. Just how far Luke's come. 

"Will the language barrier in France be terrible? Like - is it super overwhelming?" I find myself asking and they both tell me that it's something to get used to, yet there are always people around who speak enough English to make everything easier. I will also have Luke with me all day every day, so everything should be fine. And so when we've finished breakfast and tidied up, we're off. 

With both our carry on luggage and our suitcases each, myself and the Hemmings' get driven to Sydney Airport where the start of our journey begins. Luke is practically bouncing off of his seat with excitement and honestly, I'm extremely excited too. Jack sleeps the whole way to the airport despite the noise of Luke singing along to the song playing lightly through the speakers in the car, and honestly everyone is in high spirits. 

When we finally get to said airport, there are cameras. There seem to have been cameras flashing in every public place where Luke and I have ventured since Luke's father's murder/suicide and Luke hates it more than anything else in the world. He always just puts headphones in and blasts music as he practically clings to my hand, trying to ignore his surroundings as he just keeps doing what he's doing. 

We enter the airport, dragging the suitcases along with us, wearing our carry-on backpacks and really, everything is good. Calum and Ashton promised to come and say goodbye at the airport, so when the two boys, along with Calums girlfriend Fay are inside just standing and waiting for us, both Luke and myself light up. The blonde boy pulls his headphones out, shoving them into his pocket before wrapping Ashton in a hug and I just hug Calum. 

"I hope you're going to miss us. You have to message us when you get there and then message us every day that you're away. We'll miss you two so much," Ashton makes me promise and of course I will. Our goodbyes, both to my friends and to Luke's brother are emotional and long, and eventually Luke's Mum has to tell us to hurry along so that we don't miss baggage check in. Everything feels rushed. Far too rushed. Yet it's organized chaos. 

All of these concepts are just so foreign to me, but Luke helps with absolutely everything, the smile never fading from his face as he just explains each and every step, and eventually we say goodbye to our suitcases, practically praying that they get put on the correct flight. Luke tells me that it's happened before where their luggage didn't arrive when they arrived in their destination halfway across the globe. But it's the next aspect of this travel that I've found I love the most so far. 

The security check. There's something about it - especially as we're flying first class and we don't need to wait as excessively long as those in economy class. Putting our bags through the x-ray, along with walking through a metal detector, this process is actually quite interesting. We all go through without a hitch, our bags being given back to us and we get taken through to what is definitely labeled the private lounge for pompous assholes like ourselves. 

There's champagne and there's fancy food in the room and Luke is immediately drawn to the champagne of course. We're in here alone, it's overly lavish and far too fancy, but this is Luke's element. It's exactly what he needed. He takes a sip of the champagne, telling his mother that it's phenomenal and I don't doubt that it is. Luke's drinking on an empty stomach before a flight and I wonder for a moment if just maybe these are the dumb reasons he throws up on flights, but then again, I'm not going to say anything. 

"How're you feeling Louka?" I ask the blonde boy, taking his passport from his hand to compare his photo on it to his face currently. He has a French passport, it's red compared to my blue Australian passport, and really the layout is so odd. Luke just frowns at me, a joking tone in the expression and I hate that his passport was renewed this year, because he doesn't look too different in the two photographs. 

"I was feeling fine until you stole my soul form of identification. Now I'm a bit of a John Doe, Michael. I don't know who I am. I guess I'll go and sob," Luke explains and he's extremely sarcastic with his words, making me just laugh. He always seems to steal kisses whenever he can since everything happened with his father. I'm never opposed to it at all, because I know just how much love is behind every single peck. 

"Hey Luke baby, maybe don't get tipsy before the flight," Luke's mother says to him, but Luke just toasts to the air, taking another sip and not listening to what his mother says. He's still stubborn, that's something that hasn't changed and he seems to think that he'll be fine. He knows his limits more than we do, and I trust that he'll be okay. 

“Are we going to drink on the plane? You practically endorse this behavior, what’s changed now?” Luke asks his mother, upset when she shakes her head and I’m glad she’s being a semi-responsible parent right now.

“I’d rather none of us be hungover by the time we get to Paris, but I can’t force you not to if you’re going to be a prat, so..” She trails herself off as she speaks and honestly she’s quite a fun parent. I’ve been loving getting to know her, developing an almost mother and son relationship with her too in the same way that my parents are becoming rather key parental figures in Luke’s own life too.

“That’s practically my aesthetic mother. I’ll be right back,” Luke says, handing his glass of champagne over to me as he leaves the room without another word. He’s got his backpack with him as he walks over to the bathroom of this private lounge and at that he’s just gone. I have no clue as to what it is that he’s doing, but I don’t think I want to know.

“I don’t know how you voluntarily put up with him Michael. I kind of have to because he's my son, you don't have to put up with his shit," Luke's mother says to me and I want to tell her that there are many reasons why I put up with him, but I just kind of smile because she always takes small digs at Luke and I'm growing tired of it. I don't think she means for any of it to be hurtful, but it's definitely affected the blondes mental health over the years. 

"Maybe - you know what, never mind," I go to say something about it, bring it up with her and tell her to stop saying those small things that really get to Luke when he hears her, but I back track because I don't want her to end up hating me. I don't want to start this trip on her bad side because I'll have to spend the rest of said trip being hated by her. I don't want that at all. But she questions my stuttered backtracking. 

"You can talk to me about anything Michael. What did you want to say?" She asks and I just sigh because I don't want to say any of this, I know that parents don't appreciate when others tell them how t be a good parent, but some things really do need to change. 

"I was just going to say, maybe stop making those snarky - harmless comments about Luke. I know that you mean for it to just be something he brushes off, but Luke doesn't brush things off. All of the little things you've ever said, they build up and he's convinced you hate him," I speak softly, rather scared honestly and I hate the way her face falls when I say that. 

"Really? Why doesn't he tell me? If I knew that - if I knew what I said hurt him, then I never would have said it," She says and she took it far better than I thought she would. It's interesting really, so I end up just explaining to her why Luke says nothing. 

"Well, my Dad does it to me all the time and I know that it shouldn't get to me, but it really does hurt, but I never used to say anything because it made me feel like I'm a wimp if I just can't handle it. Luke feels similarly, but he connects what you say to what his Dad used to do , so he just let's I it really get to him more than it would for others," I explain and she understands. It's a simple concept. She says she'll make sure she apologizes later and at that, Luke re-enters the room - something noticeably different. 

"Sorry, today calls for eyeliner. What were you chatting about? Will the dogs be at our Paris house?" Luke quickly changes the subject himself and so we narrowly avoid having to lie. Luke always knows when people are lying, he's got some kind of superpower for that. 

"Of course, I called Colette and she's taken the dogs there so you can see them. I don't know how many people will be there, they'll want to be there for you and I because of your father, and definitely to meet your fiancé," Luke's mother explains to Luke and the young blonde just laughs - he actually laughs and the past few days have definitely allowed him to simmer down about his father's death. He's gone back to hating the bastard and honestly I think it's a good thing. 

"Well I assume regular service doesn't end because my father killed himself. We will still have eight staff at all times, yes?" Luke asks and I don't know what exactly what he's talking about, but by the suddenly serious demeanor of the young boy, he's clearly worried about about this fact. He takes the glass of champagne from my hand once more, waiting for a reply from his mother before he takes another sip. 

"Well, of course. Let's just say that Andrew would have been pissed to see that something he worked so hard for before everything happened finally doubled his net worth after he died," She explains and Luke's eyes just go wide before he takes a sip of the champagne, trying to mentally work this one out in his mind. I have no idea what's going on at all, but Luke looks very suddenly ecstatic. 

"Like - in his pocket? So to me? Jesus Christ. And you're just - you're letting it go directly to me? Now?" Luke asks and Luke's mother just nods to each and every question and Luke's smug little smile just grows. Are they talking about money? Net worth. Surely they're talking about money - right? 

"I don't see why not. He left his money evenly to yourself, it's only fair that you inherit his earnings," She explains and Luke just nods a little, taking another sip of the rose colored liquid in the glass he holds so delicately with his ring clad fingers. His style has practically evolved in the past week, more eccentric and more pop punk than ever whilst managing to be more stereotypically feminine than ever. The eyeliner is a great addition to today's look, a black satin shirt with grayscale, floral print, flared pants. It really is eccentric and attention seeking. I love it. 

His shoes are boots really. They're all black like the rest of his outfit, except they've got about an inch platform on them so he's obnoxiously tall. He's also experimenting with jewelry, five rings on in total, along with a sleek necklace that's hardly even standing out at all with its small cross and other random pendant on it. It's become his go to necklace to throw on in the morning. He's still wearing his lip ring despite debate late at night with himself about whether or not he'll take it out. He never got around to it and honestly I'm glad it's still in. 

In contrast, I'm just wearing what I always wear. A band shirt - today's pick of an Iron Maiden shirt that I happened to pack - along with a pair of black skinny jeans and some plain black converse. I dress for comfort, Luke dresses for style, and at the end of the day, we're both happy. I still wear the engagement ring every day, and telling Ashton and Calum about that was honestly hysterical. 

They didn't believe us at first, but after a while of insisting it was true, they were both honestly shocked. It was a group sleepover in the middle of the week at my own house with the promise of study that was never even mentioned when we told them. Luke's been getting on better with Calum, greatly with Ashton and I'm just glad that this past week has really helped Luke. 

But the blonde has developed a habit of scrunching up his nose and sniffling a little every now and again and although he tries to hide it from me, I know he's still doing some Cocaine. I knew that he wouldn't just stop all of a sudden, but it's disheartening to me that he's trying to hide it all from me. Maybe he's better, maybe in some ways he's worse, but when we get our boarding call hours after we entered the private lounge, Luke is just absolutely ecstatic and seeing him like this is the best sight in the world. It almost makes everything worth it. 

Singapore Airlines, Luke explains that they're the most lavish, upper-class airline to fly with, and by the outfits of the staff, I wouldn't argue. Boarding the plane however is a terrifying experience to say the least. I never thought I had issues with small, enclosed spaces, but this experience has taught me otherwise. I feel like I can't really breathe, but Luke just holds my free hand, dragging me along to just keep me moving. We're being shown to our confines for the next God knows how long, and as it's explained to us - they're not just seats, but they're called first class suites. They're phenomenal. 

They have two suites next to one another, each fifty square feet, which have an open area between the two, each suite having an almost lazyboy-like chair, with the most ridiculous thing ever connecting the two suits. This really is obnoxious luxury and I'm definitely ready for this. Luke and his mother are known by the airplane staff, and honestly I feel very out of place in what I'm wearing and in what I look, but I'm treated all the same. I'm asked by an air hostess if I've been in a first class suite before and I just nervously laugh a little as I tell her I've never actually been on a plane at all. 

She spends the next wee while explaining everything to me. How to make the full sized TV work, how to swivel the chair with all of the far too technically advanced buttons and just how to do anything else that needs a proper explanation. The TV is controlled with a separate tablet and the woman explains that on the flight there are ten courses offered. Ten. She asks me if I'd like anything to eat or drink and seeing as Luke's been sitting and watching this whole interaction for the past ten or so minutes, he decided to to speak up when I just look over to him for permission. 

"I'll take a glass of Champagne. Michael, you can get whatever you'd like," Luke explains and I just kind of stutter a little because I have no idea. The air hostess just smiles, pointing to the drinks menu across from me and I thank her, taking a look at what's to offer. Practically anything really, and I just skim my eyes over everything until I find something not so dreadful looking. 

"Right, sorry I'll just take an apple juice," I say because I'm really just rather parched and I don't feel like getting drunk on a flight if I've never flown before. Luke just scoffs a little with a smile and I know he means all good and well. The woman tells us that she'll be right back with our drinks after take off and I think my heart starts pounding at that thought. 

"Don't worry, take off and landing are fine, I promise. In the middle here, these come down and turn into a double bed between us so we can sleep together and cuddle if you're scared. I just might end up having to leave to throw up, that's all," Luke explains and everything about this is so overwhelming in every way possible. Luke just tells me to put my seat belt on, as does the familiar air hostess and I do as I'm told, just breathing and attempting to stay entirely calm as I look out the window. 

The plane has been moving for a while, taxi-ing onto the runway and tears finally spring to my eyes obnoxiously. This is everything that I've ever known that I'm leaving behind. My parents are somewhere in Sydney, working, doing their jobs that they enjoy beyond words. My best friends, Calum, Ashton and now Fay, they're all waiting in that airport, telling us that they were absolutely going to stick around for hours to see us take off and it's so tear jerking to know that they're just so close, yet they're going to end up half a world away when this is all over. 

"You alright Green? It's going to be fine, I'm right here with you," Luke speaks when I sniffle a little and he's been so caring recently. His voice holds empathy and his eyes hold love and I'm so thankful to have this boy beside me during everything. I look over to him at that and when he sees that I'm just crying, every ounce of happiness in him falls apart and I hate that I'm ruining things. 
"Hey, you're okay - fuck - it's okay. Breathe, it's alright," He quickly tries to get me to calm down and I'm definitely overreacting. I just hold back my tears the best I can because I'm not upset, I'm just overwhelmed. Teary yet, not upset. Just overwhelmed. 

"I'm alright. I'm just overwhelmed. I love you so much," I say to him as I look out the window once more and I'm just glad that he's allowing me to feel this way. He's not getting frustrated or upset, he's just patient and he's giving me the patience I always give him. At that a person speaks over the speakers and I completely zone out as I just watch out my window, taking a last look at the city I grew up in whilst still firmly on the ground. 

Then everything happens. Speeding up, lift off, nerves fluttering in my stomach and then calm. It's all so quick and I got myself worked up for no reason. We're flying. Truly utterly flying and it's an odd feeling. I finally look back over to Luke at that and his eyes are on me, a certain level of pride in his eyes and I'm just so glad that I've bitten back my anxieties and taken this leap of faith with Luke. It's so surreal to think about what awaits us and I'm just so proud of myself.

"See, it's not too bad. You'll be fine. I already feel nauseous, I'll just curl up and try to sleep as soon as possible or I'll probably be throwing up and I'd rather this first flight be calm," Luke explains and I can already see it in how pale he's already gone that he doesn't feel amazing. He's got the cold sweats, where he's sweating but he's freezing both to the touch and in his own mind and that's my least favorite side effect of nausea. I'm just glad I feel absolutely fine right now. 

"You alright? Maybe you should see your Mum? Can we take off the seat belts now?" I ask him and he just undoes his own seat belt so I follow suit. He tells me to wait here whilst he goes to the bathroom because he feels unwell and I wonder how much of this is a mental game, and how much of it is actually motion sickness. Maybe it's half and half, but I think he just gets in his own head and makes himself sick because of his nerves about getting sick. It's such a vicious cycle. 

And the flights are both very calm, yet unbearably long. I sleep for practically all of the second flight, my arms around Luke's torso as we lay beside each other and I think his plan was just to drink himself into sleep because he had about seven glasses of champagne on the second flight and he was out for most of it with me. The first flight he spent half of gagging into a toilet and I hate that he's like this. 

Landing in Paris however is nerve-wracking in the best way possible. Luke is ecstatic as he watches out of his window, watching as we get closer and closer to the ground which is just so surreal to me. This is France. It's the one place Luke has said he'd kill for, he'd die for - it's all of his hopes and dreams and when I look over to him as we land, I can definitely tell that that's true. 

I'm utterly exhausted after over twenty four hours of travel and Luke is practically hungover and half awake but he's excited and that definitely overrides the other two feelings entirely when it comes to the blonde boy. As soon as we're allowed to undo our seat belts Luke is up and ready to leave but we have to wait a while and he just stands in my suite, holding my hand and practically bouncing up and down with pure anticipation and happiness. 

Eventually were escorted out of the plane and into private rooms where security checks our bags with x-rays and ourselves with metal detectors once more and everything is very quickly overwhelming in a foreign language. Luke's mother does all the talking and Luke translates anything needed for me and it's all so quick and confusing, but Luke's happiness radiates off of him and I find myself smiling almost as brightly as he is. 

Eventually we can collect our luggage, also privately and everything so far has been white walls and French speaking security and airport staff. Luke tells me that the security will follow us around until we get to our awaiting chauffeur and sometimes I forget how upper-class Luke's family really is. There has to be this security presence and this all has to be rushed. My adrenaline is practically pumping. 

We're eventually taken outside, four security guards leading myself and the two Hemmings' to the car that looks more like a limousine that we are to take to their residence about fifteen minutes away. Everything is loud, there are a lot of orders thrown around by the security and Luke just holds my hand, telling me to keep up or I'll be left behind. And eventually we hop into the car, security taking our suitcases to the boot and everything was so overwhelming. It was so loud, now it's all so quiet and Luke just rests his head on me, a smile on his face and thankfully, everything went well. Better than well. 

Watching out my window as the world goes by is beautiful really. It's chaotic but it's organized chaos in a way and it's indescribably different to Sydney. It's amazing, it's terrifying but Luke is beside me, his hand on my leg in a comforting manner as he observes my reaction to everything, rather than looking at his city himself. That's all this is. Paris is Luke's city, it's his domain and now that he's home, I know that everything will end up chaotic. It's practically Luke's brand at the moment. 

"Hey Michael? My father's business has kind of - tripled since he died. I thought that it would go to Jack and I and I have no idea what to do with forty-five billion dollars. And that's just going to increase. I'm scared," Luke explains quietly and I immediately look at him because - what? It's terrifying really, Luke's inherited more money than his father had whilst he was alive and it all immediately goes right into his bank account. He can do anything. That makes Luke one of Forbes richest people in the world and he's merely seventeen. He continues on. 
"But it doesn't go to Jack and I at all. It goes to me. All ninety billion fucking dollars and I can't - that - I don't think you understand what that means Michael. The richest person in the world right now has seventy billion dollars,” Luke explains and I just freeze up.

We’re going into the 2014 new year and Luke is the richest person on the planet, purely because his father died. His father would have done it - he would have been the richest man in the world, but he pulled an evil and cowardly move that just set up his youngest child to be the center of all attention. It's one of the worst things he could have done and I think that it was his goal.

Luke and myself stay silent, it’s a good thing really and he just calls out something to the driver in French and eventually the burley looking man who Luke spoke to throws something into the back for the blonde and he thanks him sincerely. I’m not entirely surprised to see that it’s a packet of cigarettes, but I am a little confused because I’ve never seen him smoke cigarettes before, but I suppose when I think about it, it’s a very - Luke thing - to do.

He’s clearly allowed to smoke in the car because a lighter is also tossed back to him and he just thanks the driver again before taking one of the cigarettes out and lighting it up, offering me one, to which I just shake my head. I hate the smell of smoke, I always have and it’s honestly overwhelming in an enclosed car. So the window is opened, and fuck - I forgot that it’s winter in France over Christmas. It’s definitely chilly - but we’re on top of the world right now. It’s beautiful.

It’s pitch black outside, some ungodly hour as we drive, but it’s all so beautiful. I’ve also learnt that you drive on the right side of the road in France. It’s a small difference that’s just mind boggling but I love everything about this. The night lights, the beautiful boy beside me, the whole atmosphere is wonderful.

The drive to the Hemmings residence is short, but security is tight to get into their property and it’s overwhelming, yet absolutely perfect. It’s a French Chateau, it’s massive and I don’t know how Luke, myself and his mother will occupy this whole place practically alone. It’s got three stories and countless windows as we drive up to it. Round pillared rooms on either end of the house, it’s crazy. It’s a beautiful mansion, it’s insane.

Luke is ecstatic to be here. As soon as we can get out he’s out of the car, practically dragging me out of the car and his smile is contagious. He tells me that someone will grab our bags, we don’t need to grab them and I just follow him almost involuntarily because he’s just dragging me toward the front door and I look backward to see his mother just smiling proudly. I suppose this is how he always behaves when he’s back here.

“Come, come, I need to introduce you to everyone. We have some English speaking staff, but I can just introduce you, yeah?” Luke asks me, smiling at the man in the black suit who opened the front door for us. It’s crazy to think that he grew up with this luxury, someone paid to open the front door, someone paid for practically everything.

The entrance room is grand. It’s lit brightly compared to outsides pitch black night sky and a chandelier hangs in the middle of the ceiling, perfectly placed so that the grand staircase lines up with it from the front door. The interior is all ivory, it’s phenomenal and very clearly one of the poshest houses that would ever be on the market. It’s the eight people inside, four females and four males dressed in all black standing professionally in the entrance room, waiting, just beaming and clearly glad to see Luke that make me realize how insane this all is.

“Bonjour, thank you all so much for being here, it really means a lot to see you all once more. I wanted to introduce you all to my fiancé Michael,” Luke introduces me to the group in English before saying something similar in French and this whole thing is just so odd but Luke is so professional about the whole thing.

He takes me around to each of the staff who I’ve now realized are cooks and butlers, introducing me properly and allowing me to ask my own questions.

“Michael, this is Florin. Florin, voici mon fiancé Michael,” Luke introduces me to a very young looking man, he must be in his mid-twenties and he offers his hand to me like the previous people have, except he’s far more inviting and less-professional about everything compared to the others.

“It’s nice to meet you Michael. I like your hair, it's very bright. You chose well with blondie, he’s definitely the best person you could have gone for,” He speaks and his accent isn’t very distinct at all but his English is perfect. I have no idea what I expected his English to be like, but I wasn’t expecting him to be perfect, yet still have the accent he has.

“It’s nice to meet you too, where are you from? You’ve got a nice accent, that’s all,” I ask him, maybe overstepping but he just laughs lightly before giving me an answer.

“I’m from Romania, and you’re from?” He asks me and I explain. He’s rather friendly and Luke is practically clinging onto my arm as we chat, making it very clear that we’re together as if he needed to make it clear. Luke eventually pulls me away from him, dragging me up the staircase, thanking everyone once again, saying goodnight to them all and he’s behaving very oddly all of a sudden.

“How much does it cost to have eight people here all the time?” I ask him as he guides me through the hallways, explaining to me that he’s taking me to his room before he gives my question a thought, trying to determine how much all of this would cost. He hums and ha’s about it all for a while before he gives me an estimated figure.

“Well, a personal butler costs a varying amount depending on their experience and how often they’re here. We handpicked them a while ago because they suited our particular needs more than others. They earn hmm, five grand a week, so about two hundred and sixty thousand dollars a year,” Luke explains to me and I think my mouth drops agape because they’re earning so much money to do this. That’s mad.

“And why was Florin chosen, hm?” I ask him and he just stops walking, looking rather mad for no particular reason. I don’t know what it is that I said, but whatever it was, it annoyed Luke beyond words and he’s very upset by it all. I don’t ever want to upset him.

“Can you just - we've been here ten minutes Michael and I'm introducing you as my fiancé and you start flirting with another guy. If it's his accent, if that's what turns you on, then I can speak to you with my French accent or whatever you want me to do, but if it's something else, I want you to tell me," Luke explains and I just do a complete double take because is that what he thought that was? Not at all. 

"What? I wasn't flirting with him baby, my heart is loyal to you and only you. I love you, you know that," I say to him and he just gives me a look when I place my hand on his arm, trying to comfort him, give him some physical affection to prove my point, but he just shrugs it off, continuing to walk to wherever he's leading me, he's pissed off already and I really don't want him to ruin this for himself. He can't let his mind play tricks on him. 
"Luke, what's wrong? Something beyond this is wrong, what is it?" I risk asking and he just gives me a look before he sighs out in frustration, explaining somewhat. 

"Nothing is wrong besides the fact that I just fucking introduced you as my fiancé to the people that I grew up knowing, and you made me feel stupid because you started flirting with someone else. I'm sorry that I'm upset, just fucking forget about it," Luke explains and he's getting worked up over nothing. He's reading this all so wrong. 

"Hey, get a fucking grip, Hemmings. Listen to me when I say to you, I love you and only you, I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I promise you," I say to him and he just nods a little, admitting verbally that he definitely overreacted and he actually apologizes. Wow. That's a first. He kisses me before he carries on down the hallway, guiding me to his room. 

It's lavish, really it's as crazily posh as the rest of this house but Luke views it as home. He goes straight over to the bed, a light blue satin duvet with gold accents - it looks like the queen belongs here rather than Luke. He just starfishes out onto the bed, clearly in heaven and I'm glad at least that he's happy. I take the time to look around his room, everything is gold accented in here, the walls are textured and patterned with just pure royalty-level features that have me utterly speechless. 

There are seats in his room too, but they're not simple enough to be labeled as seats simply. They match the duvet, and the coffee table in the middle of the room too matches everything. The room seems to just be this hue of blue like the duvet, all accents in the room golden, just like his bed and this is far too fancy. If people at our school would have known that he lives like this, everyone would be trying to get in his pants. God. 

"Ooh, Michael - we're getting black out drunk, come on. We're getting whiskey drunk," Luke says, clapping with excitement and I'm not going to tell him not to, but I won't be joining him. He grabs a hold of my hand, leading me over to that coffee table which does regrettably have a stereotypical, Jack Daniels bottle of whiskey on it along with two glasses and a note. Luke tells me to sit, so I listen to him, observing as he sits down, one leg over the other, definitely far too posh for me. 

He reads the note, smiling a little before placing it face down on the coffee table. He opens the bottle of whisky, expertly pouring some into each glass, grabbing one for himself and telling me to take the other one. I just sigh a little because I really don't feel like getting drunk at all, but I listen, knowing that this much won't hurt. He raises a toast and I play along despite being deathly tired, just wishing to curl up in that bed beside Luke to sleep the rest of the night away. We've been in France for barely an hour outside of the airport and Luke's already planning on getting drunk. What have I gotten myself into?

"A toast, to being where we need to be and to being the richest couple on the planet. Drink away Michael, we've got all the time in the world, let's get wasted," Luke says to me, drinking his glass dry in one motion, not affected at all by how strong straight whiskey is. I just sip at mine, hating it beyond words yet not saying anything to Lu because I just want him to be happy. He pours more for himself and by the time I've had all of my first glass that he poured, Luke's had about seven times as much and I'm concerned that he'll end up dead before the night is over if he keeps going like this. 

"Lu, maybe ease up on the whiskey, hm? I don't want you to end up with alcohol poisoning," I say to him and he just scoffs a little, pouring more of the toxic liquid into both of our glasses, flamboyantly waving it around as he speaks. 

"Well, your new best friend Florin out there is a qualified doctor as well as everything else, so that's why we have him here. I've spent so many nights crying on his shoulder after downing half a bottle of spirits, alcohol poisoning and all. He keeps me safe whilst allowing me to still have fun. If you're not going to get drunk then go and hang out with him or something. Talk about your parents being paramedics or whatever, I don't really care," Luke explains and he's being stern and quite an asshole. I don't know what his problem is all of a sudden, but I'm sick of his shit. I may love him, but he's an asshole and I'm never going to tolerate something like that. 

"Can you stop being a fucking dick? Look Luke, I'm all for having fun, really - I am, but I don't think drinking until you can't stand up is a good idea. It's possible to have fun and not be drunk or high and I know you're still doing coke, believe me - I know - and I'm kind of really worried for you. I'm fucking scared that you're going to over do it and you'll end up dead," I say to him and he just crosses his arms across his chest, attempting to just brush it all off as not a big deal. 

"I'm not going to fucking die Michael. Jesus Christ, I know how to have fun without killing myself, I've done it for seventeen years without you, stop trying to turn me into someone else all of a sudden. Look, if you don't want to be here then I can book you a flight right back to Sydney or to wherever you want to go, just don't stay here and tell me what to do. I've done this for years, nothing's changing any time soon," And by the slight slur in his voice I can tell that he's only saying this because he's tipsy already. Luke would never say anything like this. 

"I'm sorry, I'm being stupid. Just - be careful, okay? I love you, I'm just really tired," I say to him, choosing to take his side on the whole matter and it very much pleases the blonde. He stands up at that, awkwardly turning around a little, looking between the bed, then the door, then me, then turning around once more to do it all again as he curses and debates on whether or not to put the glass he's holding down or not. He goes to put it down, but he decides against it, an uhh escaping his lips before he finally finds the words he was looking for. 

"You can sleep here? Or in any of the other rooms if you want to? I didn't mean to get bitchy, I'm tipsy. I didn't mean what I said," And I had assumed that was the fact, I just stand up and hug him close to me and he's very clearly confused, not returning the hug for a while before just giving in to it all, hugging me lightly and quite literally not really comfortably at all. He's confused as to why I'm hugging him so desperately, but it's simply because I love him. I still don't think he realizes just how much. 

"Do you know where my bag is babe? It's kinda freezing and I want to grab out my track pants," I ask him and he just looks around the room before he walks over to his door, clicking a button beside it that I hadn't noticed before. It's about the size of a light switch and I don't know what it does, but Luke just walks over to me once more, telling me that he'll find it. 

"I would light the fire, but I've accidentally set things on fire before whilst drunk so maybe it's not the best idea?" Luke supplies and I definitely agree with that fact. He swallows down the rest of his glass, finally now making a face at the intense flavor of the drink. That's the equivalent of shot number eight or nine and I just know that he's going to end up a mess after a while. He's not even done either, he pours himself another round but he leaves it on the coffee table, because one of the staff here enters the room and Luke looks very happy. 

One of the female staff, Éloise, Luke introduced me to her downstairs and her smile now is just as bright as it was then. She speaks English fluently, although her French accent is rather thick, and I just wish that I was bilingual. Her hair is a rather stunning ginger, slicked back and tied up neatly in a low ponytail, minimal makeup on with silver sleeper earrings in. She's dressed professionally, all eight staff were, but there's something about Éloise's professionalism that seems unmatched. 

"Éloise, I hate to ask you for things like this, but do you happen to know where our suitcases have disappeared to?" Luke asks her and she just smiles once more before speaking. 

"Master Louka, it's my job to do these things, don't fret. I shall ask Monsieur Beau to retrieve your bags. Can I be of any more assistance?" She speaks and Luke hums about it for a while, trying to wrack his mind for any other things that he might need right now. I find it so crazy that Luke grew up with this kind of luxury, that this isn't something new and it's beyond unnecessary really. 

"Please, just call me Luke, I don't want you to bother with any of that bullshit with me. We're equals, I'm no better than you are, if anything you're far better. Can I maybe have some water? I'm just a bit tipsy," Luke explains and she just laughs lightly at that final comment because even she can tell that he's a bit more than tipsy. 

"I'll bring you a glass of water. Ice, or no ice?" She asks and Luke just says ice, so she tells him that she'll be right back with that and that our bags should be up soon. Luke thanks her sincerely and I can tell that although he's very grateful for everything, he also hates that he's treated this way. He wants to be normal, if the past few months have taught me anything, that's definitely true, and as far as Luke's concerned, eight butlers adhering to his every request is not normal at all. 

Luke flops down onto his bed again and he's honestly exhausted, that much is true, so when he starts dosing off, I just run my fingers through his hair, keeping him calm and lulling him off to the land of unconsciousness. Really he's just half awake, somewhere in between awake and asleep, and when Éloise comes back to his room with the drink in hand - a glass with water, ice and a slice of lemon on the side - I just thank her for everything. She's extremely nice, maybe overly so, but I'm glad everything has turned out alright. 

Mine and Luke's bags are brought to the room mere minutes later and I thank this Beau fellow before he leaves with a slight smile and I don't think he understood what I said, but it doesn't really matter anyway. I immediately grab out my track pants, slipping them on before getting into the bed after spending far too long trying to locate the light switch which was just by the main door all along. 

At that I slip under the bedsheets and duvet, finally snug and happy beside my fiancé who's already asleep on top of the bed, drooling a bit little onto the pillow he lays on. He's a bit mess when he's like this, but he's also adorable and I don't think I'd change him for the world. I guess I'd rather he didn't get drunk or high whenever he wanted to, but then again it's the chaos of Luke's life that really keeps me on my toes, so maybe it's a good idea. 

Waking up in the morning to the sounds of birds chirping outside is beautiful. Luke is still fast asleep beside me, still laying on his stomach on the duvet and he's snoring lightly. I don't recall ever hearing Luke snore, yet it's rather cute and I find myself just laying here for a while before taking a look at my phone to see the time. It's midway through one in the afternoon. Great. 

"Wakey wakey baby. Morning precious, how're you?" I wake up the blonde, speaking as I I run my fingers through his hair and he just blinks into wakefulness, stretching a little to wake himself up a bit more and he just smiles all dopey at me, filling my heart with happiness. We're ten hours behind here, it's 1:32pm here in Paris, whereas back at home it's 11:32pm. I have a plan. 

"Do you mind if I video call Ash and Cal? I forgot to message them and tell them we arrived alright," I ask Luke and he just yawns before answering me. 

"Do I look like shit? If not I'd like to see them too," Luke asks and he never looks like shit. He looks a little sleepy, maybe a bit hungover if you really stare into his eyes, but otherwise he's perfect. His hair is perfectly curly and blonde, eyeliner still on yet not smudged at all and I've always wondered how he keeps these things so perfect all the time. He just smiles at me when my eyes linger on him for too long and he's still kind of out of it, because he just gets under the covers and rolls over so that I can be the big spoon. 

"Why haven't we don't this before? I'm so excited to explore Paris, Lu. Are we going to go out today?" I ask him and he just tells me that we can do whatever I want to do. It's already afternoon so we'll have to do something quick, yet I have no idea what exactly we should do. I want to see the Eiffel Tower, maybe we could do that. 

"Hey Michael? I've been thinking a lot about money because - you know - and I've been thinking about what to do with it. My father had some of the best financial advisors in the world and now I have them, so I can't exactly do anything stupid and they handle taxes and whatnot, but I can still access the money and make large purchases. I think I want to start up something, like a business, just my own little side thing. What do you think?" Luke asks me after explaining everything and I think he's definitely capable of that. 

"What do you wanna start up? I think you can do anything," I say to him and he just stays silent as he thinks about it for a while. 

"Maybe - well I could do anything, right? I could make nail polish or my own brand of tequila or wine. Heck, I could do whatever we want to do," Luke explains and I find it funny that he always refers to everything being done as us doing it. Whatever we want to do. He's doting on me, he always has and he'll continue to do so because he's so in love and it's honestly ridiculous. 

"Well, we have all the time in the world to think about it. Do you wanna get up? I'm starving, surely you are too?" I ask him and he just nods a little, pushing back the duvet and sheets so that we can get up. He goes to a set of drawers in the room, sifting through everything with a smile on his face. He pulls out a few items, tossing them onto the bed that I'm still sitting on and he looks overly excited. 

"This is the part of living between multiple houses that I don't like. I've missed these clothes so much, my god," Luke says and he's grabbed out a pair of purple, velvety pants and a long sleeved button up shirt to get changed into. I always feel so underdressed when I'm with Luke, but I get up to find something in my suitcase that will be suitable, both for the cooler weather and for some level of style because although Luke will always outshine me, I don't want to look completely awful. 

"Have you got anything for me to wear? I forgot that it's winter over here," I ask Luke and he just tells me to take whatever I want as he unlocks his phone and looks at it inquisitively. He's reading something, he's confused yet simultaneously amused and I just wait for him to explain. He scoffs at whatever he's reading and he's really confusing me now. 

"Jack just sent me this article and it's kind of funny. It's about myself and you and him - it's just about this whole thing really, but it's worded so oddly," Luke explains and he just shows me it before reading it aloud. 

'New Richest Person Alive; Louka Herlaimont at merely seventeen years old has become the richest person alive after his father, Andrew Hemmings, CEO of Hemmings INC tragically murdered a police officer in Sydney Australia last Sunday before taking his own life. Herlaimont, who is also known to go by the alias Luke Hemmings , has been seen travelling outside of Australia with his mother and rumored partner Michael Clifford. The two have been seen together on numerous occasions, holding each others hands as they go about daily activities. 

Hemmings, who has inherited a whopping 90 Billion US dollars after his father's death and businesses breakthrough, now puts him atop of the Forbes Rich List. Born and Raised in Bordeaux France before moving part time to Sydney Australia, the Herlaimont Brothers, [Louka, Jacques and Benjamin] were raised by their father and mother [Andrew and Elizabeth Herlaimont] in very upper-class living situations. Discussions have come up regarding Loukas mental state recently, some believing that he's not currently in the right state of mind to be the soul recipient of his father's wealth. 

Hemmings, who is known for his partying behavior and controversial antics has kept his life rather private, especially his relationships over the years despite attending public school. However his very close relationship with Sydney schoolmate Michael Clifford has sparked up conversation regarding the youngest Hemmings' sexuality. Hemmings is also known for his flamboyant fashion style when he's spotted out and about, and the young billionaire has been photographed on numerous occasions wearing both nail polish and eyeshadow. Louka has finally created an Instagram account, following very clearly in his older brothers footsteps.'

Luke reads out and it just goes on and on. He can't do anything without the world watching and now I've been dragged into this whole thing. Luke just laughs at it all and he decides to just let all hell break loose. Honestly, I'm absolutely supportive of the whole thing, I'm all for a little bit of controversy, so when he proposes the idea of posting a photo of us both, the idea sounds brilliant. 

Luke has too many photos of us both on his phone from the past week, most of which however I took because I'm better at the whole selfie thing than he is. I only use his phone because the camera is far clearer than my own. He finds a good one, just a picture of us both, Luke looking phenomenal, myself - looking like myself? - looking rather emo and I think it's a nice picture. He too does because he captions it in a very Luke way. 

Muke. Love. Travel. 

It's cheeky, it's an immediate bite back at that article and he tags me in the post. To say that my own Instagram blows up almost instantly shows just how much influence Luke has on strangers that don't know him in the slightest. He's reached celebrity status, with a million followers in a day, purely because people want to be him. People who would have shit talked him at school. People who honestly don't know the slightest thing about Luke, they follow him because that's what society says to do. What a bunch of sheep. 

At that Luke tells me that I should call Ashton and Calum now before it gets too late over there and it's a good idea. I message Ash first on Instagram and I get a reply, so I call him, the older boy picking up immediately with a beaming smile. It's nice to see someone familiar, it's great to see my best mate and I'm just beaming too. 

"Mikey! How was your flight? How are you?" He asks, sitting down and - oh he's already with Calum. The younger boy also greets me and I just miss them so much already. It's stupid and ridiculous, but just knowing how far away from them I currently am, it's all so upsetting that I can't be in both places at the same time. Technology makes it all the more bearable however. Staying connected to the people I love the most. 

"I'm good, we just woke up. Lu is here - we both say bonjour . How're you holding up without us?" I ask them and they just both look so happy to hear from Luke and I. My hair looks so green on camera, it's really crazy and it makes me wonder what the butlers thought of me when Luke introduced me to them as his fiancé. 

"We aren't coping without you - we're never able to cope without your chaos. We already miss you both, was the flight awful?" Calum says and I tell him that the flight was rather pleasant really because it was. Although I was exhausted by the time we finally got to France, I did manage to sleep on the flight far more than Luke did. He spent most of the flight over the toilet, either throwing up or just waiting to do so. He managed some sleep after drinking too much wine, but he eventually threw that up too and now he's running on empty again. 

"It was most certainly not pleasant. I threw up the whole way here. I'm just glad we're here now. I'm probably going to take Michael to Catacombes de Paris, maybe the Musée du Louvre? We're about to have breakfast," Luke explains and I'm excited to just get out and about. 

"Well, we're just about to go to sleep, I'm staying at Cals tonight and it's quite late. It's been nice to hear from you, we love you both so much. Have a good day, you both deserve it," And it was a quick chat but it's just what I needed right now. We both say goodbye to them at that and now our day really begins. Good morning Paris.

Chapter Text

We get changed and leave Luke's room, the blonde directing me to the dining room which is just jaw dropping beyond comprehension. It's like in all of those movies where the lavish family has a long table which could seat fifty people, except the table is bare and still manage to look amazing. Luke pulls me through the room by the arm and he shows me through to the kitchen which looks more like a restaurants kitchen than one for a house, but then again that's kind of what it is. 

"Master Louka, Florin and I can prepare breakfast for yourself and Mr Clifford. La tartine , if that's alright?" I don't remember her name, but the French accented female greets us in surprise as she speaks and Luke just nods a little, thanking her sincerely. Luke and myself just stand here and she looks confused for a moment. 
"Is there anything else that I can help you with?" She asks and she seems far more nervous about everything than the lady last night. 

"Just - just call me Luke. And just call Michael, Michael. We're just people," Luke explains and this girl just frowns a little speaking back and it clearly isn't something she should have done. 

"I was advised to call you Louka, I apologise sincerely that I was given the wrong information," She speaks and it just makes Luke scoff a little. He's a lot taller that the girl, but then again she isn't a slouch at all. She's tall, slender, young, dark black hair with hazel eyes, but her whole demeanor is just nervous and jittery. Is she new here? That would make sense. 

"It's fine, you're brand new here, I don't want you to be scared or nervous. Take a few breaths, you're doing great - you're really doing great," Luke explains and he places his hand on the young woman's arm, telling her to breathe and this is very strange. His voice is velvety, he's speaking slowly and quietly, trying to calm her down and the brunettes eyes never leave Luke's. If Luke had a problem with the way that I spoke to Florin, then I should definitely have an issue with this because everything seems a bit too close. I know how Luke's eyes light up when he sees someone he views as attractive. 

And his eyes have absolutely lit up at this young lady, making me feel very quickly insignificant because I don't think his eyes light up like this when he looks at me. She eventually takes a step back and Luke seems to snap out of it all, looking back over to me with a smile, holding my hand and I feel so out of place all of a sudden. I feel my own breath kind of hitch and I need out of here for a second. 

"Luke - where's the bathroom? I feel sick," I find myself asking quickly and Luke's features flood with concern and care very quickly, telling me that the closest from here is the third door on the left after I turn right to exit the dining room. This house is a maze, but I quickly leave, walking quickly to the bathroom that I eventually find and I lock the door behind me. 

My tears immediately start to fall as I just breathe, attempting not to panic right now because maybe Luke doesn't love me. What if he doesn't love me as much as I thought he did? Am I engaged to the wrong person? Would Luke cheat on me? Why did it feel like that's what that was? It feels like he doesn't love me as much as I thought he did. I feel ill, I feel sick to my stomach with that thought because I love him so much. I find myself sobbing and gagging over the toilet, my nerves actually making me physically sick. 

I hear a knock on the door as I just sob and gag into the toilet, trying to make some sense out of all of this. I eventually flush the toilet, getting up to open the door and I'm so beyond mad that it's Luke at the door. He looks so sorry, so worried and I don't know what to say or do. I've got tears on my cheeks and in my eyes, and Luke just wraps me in a hug, trying to calm me down with soft words like he did earlier with that girl. It tears me apart. 

"Are you ill? Don't cry baby, you're okay. Tell me what's wrong," Luke asks and I don't even know what's wrong. Luke was just being caring and I overreacted. He's allowed to help people, he isn't truly heartless, it was just odd and out of place on his behalf. It just spooked me in the moment, but it's times like these when his love for me is undeniable. He holds me close, he's so warm and inviting and he's got a hand in my hair as he tries to comfort me as I just sob into his chest. 

"I don't belong here. I feel so out of place, like you don't love me anymore because there are so many pretty people here that would fuck you for your money. The way you looked at her - I want you to look at me that way too," I just sob as I speak and Luke keeps shushing me, holding me close before he speaks. 

"You belong here, I love you so much. I want you and only you, you're so amazing Michael, I was just trying to calm her down, that's all," Luke says to me, running his fingers through my hair and down my jawline so that he can calm me down a little more too. Luke is always so attracted to many people at once, he's attracted to that girl and he's not denying it, but he loves me too. Maybe - hopefully even more so. 

"You looked at her like she was the world. Am I not good enough for you?" I ask him and he just sighs a little, kissing me on my forehead, wiping the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs and he just looks so upset. He's lost for words, he doesn't know what to say and I don't know what exactly that insinuates. 

"You're too good for me Michael. I'm so sorry that I get caught up in other people, I don't fucking know what's wrong with me - but you're my absolute favorite person in the world. I love you with my whole soul and I would never do anything to ruin this between us. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and only you," Luke explains to me and he's frustrated with himself. 

"Do - do you want relationships with other people? People other than me?" I ask him and he just runs his hands down his face, sighing and I don't know what that's supposed to mean. 

"No, I only want a relationship with you, just you. I just - people other than yourself are attractive in my eyes as well and I guess I fantasize because we don't do anything sexual and I thrive on that kind of thing. I don't want to push you into doing anything like that either because I know that you are asexual, but I'm not and I'm practically losing it," Luke explains and I don't know what to say to him. 

"Can't you like - masturbate or something? I mean - I don't know, I don't do that, I'm just trying to help, Lu. I love you and I want our relationship to work, so maybe you should have sex with other people? It wouldn't upset me, I just want us both to be happy," I say to the blonde and he just shakes his head. 

"I do touch myself Michael. All the fucking time when you aren't there and I'm so - I'm so in love with you that I won't do that. I won't go and fuck someone else because you don't want that. You don't touch yourself or anything? When you shower or when you're aroused? You don't do anything?" Luke asks me and I just shake my head, explaining and this has all calmed me down quite a bit. 

"I don't ever - apart from those uncomfortable moments in high school when you would just get an erection and hide in the bathrooms just praying you could get your dick to calm down - other than that, I've never relieved myself . I just let it go away on its own because it just happens. I mean, I'm a virgin, I don't ever think about sex or anything sexual," I explain to Luke and he just listens to me staying quiet and taking it all in. 

"If I knew that then I never would have had you suck me off - I'm so - I'm so sorry - I didn't-" And he's panicking himself over all of this unnecessarily. I was strangely alright with that, I was still hard, I still liked his dick in my mouth, I still loved everything about that, just when it comes to anything where I'm the one doing the elicit act, I don't feel comfortable. 

"No, that was fine Luke. It's only if I'm like - the one doing anything with my dick where it becomes uncomfortable in my mind. Everything we've ever done has been fine, I promise," I say to him and he just nods a little, calming immediately. I suppose this whole sexuality preference thing has a lot to do with why I watch fucking porn. I just sit there at home, watching it for hours and I don't do anything. I don't touch myself, I don't think about anyone else, I just watch it like a fly on the wall in the moment and I suppose it sounds odd but it's true. 

"I love you Michael Clifford, and whilst loving you I won't love anyone else. You're my light, you're what I love most about living and nothing could ever beat that. You've helped me through so much shit with my family, you saved me and I just want to thank you but I don't know how," Luke says and he doesn't need to thank me because I love him too. He's allowing me to love him. Weeks ago he was pushing it all away and now we're engaged. It's crazy how quickly our relationship has moved along, but honestly it seems fitting. 

"Just keep being you, angel. Don't ever change for anyone. Fuck what the media says, I love everything about you and I don't want to see you change," I say to him and he just kisses across my jawline, something he seems to do quite often nowadays.

We find the time fitting to reenter the dining room, both of us now running on empty and extremely ravenous really. I chat with Luke at the table as we eat, the breakfast being a baguette with jams and other spreads on them, something quite delicious really. Luke explains that it's very popular here and I see why. It's better than toast in the morning.

Whilst sitting here chatting, Luke keeps getting distracted, his mind completely occupied by something else right now and he has bigger things to worry about, I know, but he worries me. His attention span is very short, fifteen or so seconds before he's gazing out the window or twiddling his thumbs and I don't know what's wrong, but he just cannot concentrate right now. When I speak his name he just hums, apologizing and asking again what it was I was saying. He's totally not listening to me at all. 

"What's wrong Luke? Talk to me," I snap him out of it all again and he apologizes quickly once more, trying to find the right words to convey what it is that's going on. Words always come quickly to Luke, but right now he's struggling. 

"Sorry, I can't get my mind to shut up. I'm just kind of adrenaline-y? I don't really know, everything feels like it's on go, like I've had twelve coffees," Luke explains and I only now notice how he's bouncing his leg a little, physically unable to keep himself still and he's worrying me. Has he taken something? That's always my first guess with Luke, but I don't think he has this time. 

"Have you been taking your meds? You're a bit fidgety and all over the place, that's all," I say to him and he just curses, very clearly answering that question. He's forgotten to take his meds and that's not a great thing. The antidepressants, I don't want him to fall into a mental breakdown, his anti-psychotics, I don't know why it is that he was prescribed them, but I can imagine that not taking them isn't a good thing either. 

"Fuck - shit! Uhm I think I left them at home in Sydney. Fuck. I can't fucking function without them Michael. My mind has finally been quiet for days on end because I've been taking my meds, but today I can't get my brain to just quieten down. I'm kind of losing it and - I want to be alone," Luke explains and his eyes are wide with terror because he's so afraid of his mind. He's terrified of it and it's breaking me. I don't want to leave him alone like this. Very suddenly on the brink of insanity. 

"Hey, take a few deep breaths, I'm sure you packed them and we can find them, okay? Don't panic, angel. Don't cry, hey breathe and calm down just a little bit," I ask of the blonde who's just started openly sobbing and we really can't have that right here and right now. His eyes are just wide with fear and when I try to place my hand on him in comfort he flinches away like I'm going to hurt him. I'd never hurt anyone, let alone the love of my life. 

"Don't touch me. Don't - just stop with all of the sound and everything is so - leave me alone - fuck!" Luke sobs before screaming his last word and I think he caught the attention of one of the butlers who comes into the room to make sure Luke is alright. I'm upset that of anyone who works here, it has to be Florin that heard that. 

"Are things in here alright? Can I help with anything?" Florin asks and he's very clearly not alright . Why did he even have to ask that? I think I glare at him, just an evil glare because Luke doesn't need an audience when he's panicking like this. He's not alright, Florin should have been able to just wordlessly understand that, but he went and asked and it's pissing me off unfairly. I just want Luke to be alright, that's all. 

"You're okay angel, please calm down, you're hurting yourself," And I speak so calmly for the blonde, I make sure he can watch me place my hand on his arm and this time he doesn't flinch, but leans into my touch rather, sobbing into my chest as I just wrap him in my arms, feeling like I'm protecting him from everything that could hurt him. 

We stay like this for far too long, Luke just sobbing into my whole being and he's tearing me apart. He's making himself small, he's so beyond upset and it's so heartbreaking to see the love of your life in such a state. It's times like these where I wonder where on earth his mother is, but then again she doesn't generally help the situation much either. Eventually Luke's sobs die down and he finally speaks.

"I'm sorry. Just got in my own head for a second, I'm okay," Luke says and he actually laughs it off. He laughs, wiping away his tears and he's being far too calm all of a sudden about the whole thing. He's brushing it off when he really shouldn't with things like this and he's worrying me more than usual lately. 
"You know what? I'll go and find my mother to arrange going into town soon, I'll be right back," Luke explains and Florin goes to tell Luke that he can do that, but Luke just flips him off and tells him not to worry. Wow. 

"He does this often. Always has," Florin says to me and I'm well aware. He's telling me as if I didn't know, as if I don't spend every waking moment with Luke and it gets on my nerves. I hate that these practical strangers know so much about Luke. I feel like I've had to pry all of this from Luke in the past few weeks, and they just know . It hurts and I'm tired, so of course I snap. 

"Can't you just fucking leave us alone? You could see that he wasn't okay, why did you ask? He was in the middle of an absolute panic attack and you just go is everything okay? Jesus Christ," I think what I said was unfair, I shouldn't have snapped at him but he just stays very professional. Really he should because he gets paid a hefty sum daily. He's not paid to snap back at me. 

"Apologies, I was just trying to make sure that Master Louka was alright. I've found that the best way to calm him is to just keep talking, not about calming down but about anything else. He gets in his own head a lot, I can imagine that his very sudden rise to the top of Forbes will be messing him up a little," Florin explains and maybe he's a valuable asset to Luke really healing. He knows the blonde. He's lived with Luke and helped him through tough times before. Now is no exception. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap, he just means a lot to me and I'm tired, I've never traveled overseas before. When did you start working for Luke's family?" I ask him, creating small talk because until Luke comes back, I'd rather forget about what just happened. Maybe I should stay on everyone's good side. I don't want to be anyone's enemy. 

"It's alright, travel can be exhausting. I've been working with the Hemmings for six years now," He explains and I do a double take because, how old would he have been when he started? He doesn't look much older than myself, but he must be because he's a trained doctor and he's been working for the past six years. 

"How old are you? You look about my age," I ask him rather baffled and he just smiles, asking me to guess how old he is. I say twenty three because that seems like a safe bet, but he just shakes his head, telling me that he's older than that. He seems young and fit, like Calum or Ashton, but he's older than Luke's brother and I don't really believe that at all. 

"I'm twenty nine. I guess I've just aged well. Tends to be a common Romanian trait. So how old are you? I mean, you're engaged to Louka and he's seventeen, I assume you're the same age?" Florin explains and he doesn't look twenty nine at all so I find myself kind of jaw dropped. I don't think I should be talking to him, I can imagine there are rules against talking to these butlers, but I would think that he understands what rules he has to abide by. I'm new to all of this so I'm following his lead. 

"I'm eighteen, Luke is the baby of the group. One of our friends Ashton is going to turn nineteen before Luke's even eighteen but we're all in the same school year group. Do you enjoy your job? Like is this fun?" I ask him and he just nods, something I wasn't really expecting. I'd hate any job like this, I can't be bothered getting up to get myself water, let alone for someone else. It's definitely not the job for me. Even if they get paid generously. 

"I've always loved this job. I grew up absolutely in awe of this area of work but my parents thought it was stupid, so they pushed for me to be a doctor. So I got my medical degree, and then I worked for Luke's father for some time before I was asked personally by him to work here. It was kind of like a dream come true," He explains and it's an odd dream to have, but it's quite funny to think about really. I guess Calum having a desire to work in a retirement home is also odd.

"Luke's father picked you? What was he like? I had only met him a few times," I try to get the information from him because I really need to know how he presented himself to the world. How he was around home when Luke was growing up. How he treated his children and Florin. 

"He was - troubled. They all are, you know them Mr Clifford. Louka is like his father in many ways, but I'd much rather work for him than his father, that's all I can say," He explains and I understand entirely. Florin isn't supposed to talk about that Luke's father, nor about Luke's private business, but I'm a part of the family so it definitely provides some loop holes. 

"Class it as working with me, as opposed to working for me dear Florin. Michael, we're off, let's go," Luke enters the room and very quickly makes this all very awkward. He's holding a cigarette between his lips, breathing in the toxic smoke as he holds a hand out to me, motioning for me to join him. I don't know how long it's been that I've been here sitting chatting to Florin, but Luke's managed to decorate his eyelids with shimmering purple eye shadow that matches his velvet pants, so it must have been a while. 

"Where are we going? Do I need to bring anything?" I ask him and he just tells me that it's a secret, but that I should grab a jacket because it's cold outside. Looking out the windows at that, it must be pretty cold outside because it's snowing. I've never seen seen snow before, it's magical and I immediately stand up to walk over to the window, as opposed to walking over to Luke. The ground has an light layer of snow on it, but it's properly snowing, just snowflakes falling and I find myself pointing like a five year old when they go to the zoo, but I don't care. 

"You've never seen snow? Grab a jacket and we'll go outside! Come on!" Luke is excited, he sounds so happy and I don't remember how to get back to his room so he just drags me there, retrieving one of his coats for me that's more of a trench coat but it's definitely warm. He drags me outside at that, into the snow and the cold wind hits my face immediately, taking my breath away for a second before Luke just pulls me out into the snow and he's so happy and beautiful. 

The layer of snow is deeper than I thought it was and Luke just picks some up and throws it at me, most of it going down my shirt and freezing me from the inside out. He's laughing, so am I and we end up having a snowball fight. It's childish, but it's fun and I don't know if I've ever seen Luke look so happy before. Eventually the snowball fight turns into a cinematic kiss, snowflakes landings in our hair as we stand here, in front of Luke's mega mansion and it's all so surreal. 

"Master Louka, I hate to interrupt you, but we really must get going," And it's Éloise who's interrupting our moment, but Luke doesn't get mad at her. He just says that we're coming right now, and he just steals a quick sneaky kiss before he takes me to the fancy car with blacked out windows, someone opening the door for us to hop in and oh his mother isn't coming . 

"Hey, nous cherchons à aller à l'Avenue des Champs-Élysées. Je peux appeler quand nous aurons besoin d'être récupérés," Luke speaks and the driver just hums a little, not replying, but putting the car in drive and getting us away from his home. I watch out of the window as we drive, completely in awe of the city because it's so beautiful. It's everything I ever thought it would be and it's amazing. 

Luke watches me, he's almost making sure his city had my approval as if it ever needed that. I'm in awe, completely and utterly so and Luke looks equally in awe of me. I don't understand how he can watch me when there's so much outside to look at, but I forget that he grew up here. He was raised here so this place is home to him. To me it's utterly beautiful. 

"We have security following us. They'll keep their distance but ever since the uh - mugging incident when I was younger - they carry guns. Nothing should go wrong, but they're there if we need them. Okay, we're going shopping," Luke explains and he sounds so excited to go shopping after saying something that left me speechless immediately. As long as we're safe, that's all I want, and we're eventually dropped off on a busy street and - my god - I can see the Arc de Triomphe at the end of the street. It's magnificent. 

"Holy shit Lu, this is beautiful," I say to him and he just holds my hand, keeping me in the flow of the traffic of the people who walk around the street, everyone's speaking French and this is the best experience of my life. It's so surreal to be standing here, in the cool winter air of Paris on one of the most famous streets of the world with my beautiful boyfriend. He's such a Prince charming. 

"Kiss me," He says suddenly and he doesn't need to ask me, so I just do exactly that. I pull him in for a kiss and I hear camera shutters. Luke's life is so public already, and now our relationship is very much public too. Luke just smiles, he knew what he was doing and it's very much a Luke move. He's not hiding anything, he just holds my hand and pulls me into a store that's not bustling. 

"What're we shopping for Angel?" I ask him and I realize that this shop that we've found ourselves in is Dior. This is far too fancy for me, but the workers must know Luke because they greet him as Monsieur Herlaimont . It amazes me the level of respect that Luke holds here in France, everyone seems to know who he is and it amazes me that he's some kind of celebrity when he isn't in Sydney. He's the richest person alive now, of course people will notice him. 

" Bonjour mesdames. Est-ce que quelqu'un ici parle anglais? " He speaks before clearly asking them something and they just look between each other before one of them says that they speak English and Luke didn't have to do that for me, but I appreciate it a lot. We can conversate in English, and it's refreshing to know. There are Christmas carols playing and the Christmas spirit is a lot different here than it is in Australia. 

"It really is a pleasure to see you both here. I think the whole country has been jaw dropped at how much you've grown up since we've seen you last," The woman explains and Luke just laughs lightly. Hey has grown up quite a bit in the past year, visually he's looking quite grown up, puberty hitting this kid like a truck. I may have done a sneaky Google about Luke on the flight and I've noticed that since he was properly paparazzi-ed last, he's gotten a lot older and a hell of a lot taller. 

"It's really good to be back here, especially with Michael," Luke says and I just smile a little. The two young women are just enchanted by Luke, their eyes not really leaving him and he's honestly thriving in all of this attention. He's such an attention seeker really, the complete opposite of myself and the question that the women asks really just make me laugh internally because wow people are so nosy. 

"Are you two a couple? I think it's very nice to see a young celebrity couple that is male - male," She says, struggling a little with her words but she gets her point across nonetheless. Luke just nods, holding my hand and wordlessly explaining just how close we are. The young woman just smiles and it's nice to feel accepted. It's odd to be referred to as celebrities . We're hardly decent people, let alone celebrities. 
"Is there anything that we can help you with?" She then asks and Luke looks around a little, although he's not wearing glasses or contacts and I just know that this is all an act. 

"Skirts, Jupes , you have skirts, yes? I've never worn one before but I feel like I want to, you know? Start a craze," Luke explains and it's quite a big thing for the blonde. He's been desperate for this for a long time and the woman looks very excited that Luke would suggest something like that. She claps her hands together with excitement and Luke's eyes just stay locked on hers, genuine happiness in his eyes as he looks at her. Maybe I'm the jealous type. His hand is still clutching my own, he's one hundred percent with me , I'm just nervous when he looks at other beautiful people. It terrifies me how beautiful everyone in France is. 

"Oui! Of course! It's so nice to do different things, yeah? I think you would suit a black pleated skirt. We have some if you want to try them on?" She speaks and I'm glad that no one else in here has recognized Luke. His security are in the store too right now as well, keeping distance but watching everything that's going on. I've never felt so safe, yet so watched at the same time. I could get used to this. 

"You are the master here. I trust that you know what you're doing. Michael has to come with me, is that okay?" Luke asks and she just nods, guiding us over to long flowy skirts that are honestly rather pretty. They'd want to be pretty for their $900 price tag. Luke likes them, the ones that would just cover your knees if you'd put them on, and he wants to try three of them on. One that's plain black, pleated and beautiful, one that's beige and a bit longer than the black one, and the final one is white with black around the bottom. I feel like Luke will suit it all. 

We go to one of the changing rooms in the store and it's all overly posh, but Luke pulls me into the room, a bright smile on his face that doesn't fall at all as he unzips his purple velvet pants, slipping them off to put on the black skirt first. He looks so genuinely excited and so elated that it's contagious. Luke's mood affects everyone. Now he's happy and I'm happy. I'm so happy. 

"I'm so excited, Michael. I've wanted this for forever. I've wanted to be myself for so long, thank you so much for loving me for me," Luke says to me and I find myself tearing up because everyone deserves to be themselves. Luke deserves to be whatever he wants to be, and it hurts my soul to know that he's felt scared to be himself in the past. 

"I love you so much Luke. I love your new levels of confidence, its beautiful on you," I say to him and he just smiles so brightly, pulling on the skirt and zipping and buttoning it up as if he'd done it hundreds of times prior. And wow. I don't think I've ever seen a guy in a skirt before, but Luke definitely pulls it off. He looks at himself in the mirror, tilting his head a little as he twists his hips, making the skirt move all flowy and it's so beautiful on him. I know how Luke views himself, and right now is no exception, except he bites back his self loathing for a moment to truly admire his beauty even if he's not great at seeing it. 

"Do you like it? Should I buy it?" Luke asks me and I just nod immediately because of course he should . It looks absolutely phenomenal, it's beautiful and Luke should wear skirts all the time. He just kisses me once more and he tries on the other two skirts whilst we're in here, not liking the black and white one all too much, but loving the other two entirely. He decides to buy them both wearing the black one out of the store with permission that he asks for from the worker who says that this skirt too suits him perfectly. 

He's wearing all black now, except for his purple shoes that match his purple eyeshadow and he's honestly a beautiful, ethereal human being. These paparazzi photos that are going to come out will rock the whole world, because when we exit the store, Dior bag in hand and skirt on in the middle of a snowy day, Luke kisses me as the camera shutters click in the distance and he's so in love, as am I, so we both smile into the kiss, not a care in the world. I love him. 

At that Luke decides that we're going to go and look at the Arc de Triomphe a little closer, so he holds my hand as we walk, not caring about paparazzi and not caring about anyone else in the world that looks at Luke and myself with recognition or with judgement. The afternoon is beautiful, perfect even and so by the time we get back to Luke's home, he shows me a new news article that Jack sent him with a smile on his face. 

'Boys in Skirts; is it the new trend? 

Well Louka Herlaimont (17), newest member of Forbes list toppers seems to think so. The young billionaire was photographed out and about today in France's capital in a black dress shirt, along with a flowing, pleated black skirt, donned in purple eyeshadow and matching purple boots as he joined rumored boyfriend Michael Clifford on a stroll to view the Arc de Triomphe. 

Herlaimont has been the subject of a lot of celebrity drama for the past week when the young boy's father, well known Andrew Hemmings, killed a police officer before killing himself in Sydney Australia on Sunday. Following his father's death and medical breakthroughs, overnight Herlaimont became the richest person on the planet. 

Many rumors and discussions have been brought up regarding the young blonde who has kept his life rather private over the years, many of the rumors circling the blonde's sexuality and current mental state. 

Not much is known about his rumoured boyfriend, Michael Clifford, except for the fact that he is from Australia and likes to dye his hair bright colors very often according to his social media. Herlaimont, who started up his own Instagram account this week, posted a photo of himself and Clifford, with a cryptic caption of 'Muke. Love. Travel.'. They were photographed today to be kissing outside of a Dior store in Paris, but neither of the pair have commented on their relationship status. 

Regarding Herlaimont's current mental state, many believe that the sudden change of financial status will be enough to push the boy over the edge, especially after it being discovered that Herlaimont has been seeing a psychiatrist for the past few years. Although much isn't known about the blonde at all, assumptions are always made and will continue to pop up… '

Luke shows me the article and although the writing is a whole lot of comedy, the photos are actually very nice. Luke and myself, in falling snow, lips connected, so in love and so in the moment. Although the photos weren't consensual, they're still rather nice and I don't mind that all of that happened at all. Luke devises a plan. He likes these articles about himself. 

He decides to post another picture of us, except it's a photo where we're wrapped in each others arms from the night after we finished our final exams, the photo being taken by Calum when he drunkenly stole Luke's phone. Really we were all absolutely hammered, but it's a good photo where my head rests on his shoulder, facing away from the camera, whereas the Luke is smiling, love and adoration in his eyes as he looks at the camera, no tells at all that he was drunk beyond words in that exact moment. He tends to hide his drunkenness well. 

He writes out a long caption that's probably a bit too much, but that seems to be what Luke does best. He goes a little too far, he desperately craves attention and so posting this along with his absolute dig of a caption that I love is of course, right at this top of his bucket list. I honestly love the caption with my whole soul. It's just such a dig at today's news article. 

'Media. I will never truly understand why it is that humans fixate on the lives of those who truly mean nothing to them, in the form of reading about people's relationships, mental states and styles of clothing. Michael Clifford and myself aren't boyfriends. Michael is my fiancé and I love him very much. As for my mental state, I assure everyone that that is not something for you all to worry about, nor to pry into. And finally, I express myself in what I wear. Over the last few years I've noticed that I've been remembered for my clothing choices, and I really just want people to realize that dressing however you want to dress should be the number one priority. Everyone else's opinion comes second.'

So he posts it and the Internet blows up with such shock in the fact that Luke and myself are engaged at such a young age. Really I think it's the perfect time to be engaged. We're both young and in love, so honestly, why wait? Luke loves very over the top and extravagantly, so I can imagine that this feels very normal for the blonde boy. He's still wearing his skirt, he's still so happy and I'm beyond glad. I'm also very hungry. 

"Oh Michael! The doggies! I completely forgot, I'll let them inside," Luke quickly remembers that his dogs are currently at this house and he hasn't seen them yet. I definitely want to see the dogs, I love dogs so much, especially big dogs and I know that Luke has three large dogs. He gets up to go and let the dogs inside and I wouldn't have thought that the dogs were allowed inside on the furniture, but eventually the three dogs and Luke enter the room, all three dogs jumping up at Luke as he tries to guide them into this living room, the animals clearly over the moon to see Luke and Luke too being excited to see the dogs. 

The dogs are utterly beautiful. The two white Samoyed's are fluffy and beautiful, their fur the perfect shade of pure white, their eyes and noses black to contrast and they're honestly phenomenal looking dogs. The third dog, the Siberian husky isn't the stereotypical black and white color one would picture when thinking of that particular breed of dog, but instead is a deep gingery red color, one eye a marvelous emerald green, the other an icy blue like Luke's own eyes and the dog looks so regal. They are all treated brilliantly, no doubt, so of course they look beautiful. 

"These are the babies. This is Maël, you can also call him Prince because he responds to that too. He's my little baby, I love him so much. Then there's Noé, the other Samoyed who's kind of a bit stupid - hello beautiful - and the Husky is Versailles. Assis chiot ," And all three dogs sit with wagging tails, looking between Luke and myself as if these dogs had bigger brains than other dogs. 

"They're so beautiful. How can dogs be so pretty? Can I pet them?" I ask Luke and he just says another command to the dogs in French and all three of them come bellowing toward me, tails wagging as they just whimper, begging for affection and I love dogs so much. Maël jumps up onto the couch I'm seated on and rests his head on my lap whilst the other two dogs just beg for pats from the floor. Man - three big dogs would be a lot of work. 

"Noé, Versailles. Au pied, arrêtez de pleurnicher. I think they love you more than they love me. Maël, voici Michael. Ton nouveau père," Luke speaks, walking closer so that he can pet the dog who's laying across me. I love that he speaks to the dogs in French as if they'd understand him more than if he were to speak English. The other two dogs aren't so interested in jumping all over me, but Maël very clearly loves affection. Much like Luke himself. 

"He's so fluffy, oh my god. How old are they? They're so beautiful," I say, asking him about the dogs that are now quite a presence in the room. Luke just sits on the floor with the other two dogs, both of them immediately jumping on top of him and pushing him to the floor, meaning he's now laying down and the other Samoyed lays across him length ways, completely laying across his chest. 

"Jesus Christ Noé. They're old dogs. Versailles is fifteen, she's probably nearing the end of her life but she's still very spritely. Noé he's twelve and my precious little boy Maël is the baby, he's seven. None of them are puppies but they all behave like puppies. Ben really loved these guys, when he didn't come back with the rest of us - I swear they knew what happened. Dogs are really intelligent," Luke explains and I hate that that's what he associates with these dogs. 

"I'm sorry. You alright?" I ask him and he just nods, moving closer to me so that he can kiss me, the three dogs watching everything. I just find my hands on Luke's figure, touching him and he whimpers, as he does rather often, but that reaction does something to the dogs. They all snarl, they're protective over Luke and maybe kissing here isn't the best idea when these dogs don't like to hear Luke in any kind of distress. Even if he's just turned on. 

I eventually have to cut this short however because I'm actually really hungry and not feeling too great right now. I haven't eaten since we've had breakfast, I need something to eat. 

"Luke? Can I try and find something to eat? I'm kind of really hungry," I ask Luke and he very quickly apologizes to me, saying that I should have just asked. Now I'm at that level of hunger where feel physically nauseous, like I could throw up and Luke just presses another one of those buttons in this living room, before he returns to sit beside me and his dogs, this time comfortingly running his hand up and down my back in an attempt to apologize although he doesn't need to do that. I'm an adult, I should have asked sooner. 

"I'm sorry, you haven't eaten since breakfast, I should have noticed sooner. Are you alright? You look ill," Luke says as he just continues to comfort me and honestly, I feel rather nauseated. Maybe it's the sudden exposure to the world I've had since coming here that's making me feel anxious and sick. Maybe it's because I haven't eaten since breakfast and it's now dark outside. I'm not all too sure, but I must not look too hot because Luke noticed and he questioned me on how I'm feeling. 

"I feel sick. Just kind of dizzy sick. Bit faint," I explain to Luke and he just kisses my forehead, apologizing once more and he doesn't need to apologize, I should have said something. Eventually one of the butlers who speaks solely French enters the room and Luke explains the situation to him before telling me to stand up so that we can go to the dining room to eat. 

So I stand when the butler says Maël's name and the dog hops off of me. I stand with Luke and my mind spins before it slips into a warm darkness. It's a fuzzy darkness. It's terrifying really, but simultaneously it's an encompassing warmth that feels safe. I can't process what's happened, but I eventually blink back into the land of the living and everything feels very dream-like. I'm on the floor except I'm practically in Luke's embrace and I have no idea what that was, but it was weird to say the absolute least. 

"Stay lying down baby. You just fainted, hey, stay awake. Florin will bring in some water and something to eat," Luke stays calm as he speaks to me and I just close my eyes because everything is swaying and this is hell. He runs a hand through my hair, humming something soft to comfort both myself and himself and it's actually strangely reassuring. 

"He's awake? How're you feeling? I've got some water and a croissant, just to get some food into your system. Gave us quite a scare there," And it's Florin, placing the glass down on the coffee table along with a croissant just as promised. I just rest in Luke's touch, I don't want to move at all, and my fiancé just holds me close to him, as if I would pass out again if he let me out of his grasp. 

"Please don't ever scare me like that again. I love you so much Michael," Luke says to me and I don't think he realizes just how many times I've felt the exact same way. I don't want him to drink and get high because that fucking scares me so much. I hate seeing him half awake, half alert and so far gone that he can't even speak coherently nor remember who I am. He needs to also understand how much his actions scare me. 

"I love you so much too. Can you stop doing Cocaine please though? That scares me," I say to Luke and I'm all slurry with my words, everything still spinning a little, but he just frowns at my words, very clearly upset at both how out of it I still am and at how I asked him to just simply quit his addiction as if it were that easy. 

"I'm sorry that it scares you, but I'm not just able to stop immediately. You know me Michael, you know how addictive my personality is. I'm sorry however that it scares you, I'm trying to eradicate it," Luke explains and I just nod a little because I know that he's trying to quit it all. He's doing better, he really is, but he's still struggling with alcohol and smaller amounts of the drugs that provide him indescribable highs. 

"Maybe I should try it," I say to him and he just shakes his head saying not at all . He's trying to protect me from all of this, but if I'm going to be with him, then maybe I should try what it is that he he finds so encapsulating. Maybe I would understand it all a whole lot more. Maybe I could understand why it is that he likes doing hard drugs. 

"You're too soft Michael Clifford. If you did Cocaine I don't think you'd ever come down. You could try it tonight if you really wanted to. I'll make sure Florin is here to make sure you're safe?" And Luke immediately changes his mind on the matter. I just nod a a little, the blonde finally allowing me to sit up so that I can have someone of that water and that croissant that's far more amazing than any other croissant I've ever had before. 

Then as Luke promised, he sits with me in the ensuite of his bedroom, illegal white powder in his possession that he pours out onto his marble bench top. It's unglamorous. Snorting up Cocaine as if it were air is unglamorous, but Luke manages to make it look fancy because he's still dressed up nicely in his skirt, a smile on his face as I practically endorse drug abuse. God I'm awful. But I join in, following Luke's lead in this whole thing. 

I do as he says, I breathe in the toxic white powder through my nose and immediately hate everything about this. It stings, it's fucking awful smelling - like sweet flowers for some terrifying reason and there's no going back now. Luke tells me it's because it's pure. He drags me into his room and I'm just waiting for all of this to kick in. My throat feels numb, everything is feeling kind of numb and I don't know what's happening, but everything is just dreamlike all of a sudden. 

My heart is pounding and Luke's eyes are immediately dilated and I can only imagine I'm in a similar state. It's so warm, my whole body feels like it's burning, just far too warm to continue wearing this trench coat and I find myself taking it off very quickly placing it on Luke's bed. Luke looks beautiful, he always manages to look absolutely phenomenal really and I'm just so in awe of him constantly. Especially whilst in this euphoric state. He's absolutely adorable. 

"How're you feeling Michael? You look lost," Luke asks me and I'm aware of the fact that I'm extremely energetic and antsy, but I really don't mind at all. Everything is buzzy and euphoric, everything in my mind absolutely spinning with this feeling and maybe it is as great as Luke makes it out to be. Maybe I could get used to this whole thing. I'm looking around this room like some crazy mad-man and I think it's only really hitting now that I did Cocaine, one of the most illegal drugs out there. Especially here in France. I could be jailed for life. My god. 

"Feeling floaty. Feeling - hmm - like I can do anything," I find myself saying because it's true. Everything is a little floaty, my brain feeling as though its floating in my head rather than being wherever it normally is. I also feel as though I have all the confidence in the world that I wouldn't normally have. It's something I really don't hate at all, feeling this way is beautiful really, and I'm vaguely aware of the fact that this must be why Luke compared himself to a god because I'm feeling a similar way right now. Maybe we are gods. 

"Because we can do anything Michael Clifford. Come with me, we're having fun," Luke says, taking my hand in his own and dragging me out of his room. Luke immediately bumps into Florin when we leave the room and the Romanian butler also looks quite pretty at the moment. I don't remember when it was that I started looking at the dark haired guy as pretty, but right now I pose a question to Luke. 

"We can do anything? So you won't get mad if I do anything?" I ask him and he just gives me a look before shaking his head, reiterating that we're high and he won't get angry at me for anything that I do. That gives me all of the permission that I need to do what I suddenly can't get my mind off is. I give Luke and Florin all the time that either of them would need to tell me to stop if that's what either of them wanted, but I place my hands on Florin's cheeks, surprising the older male before I kiss him. 

I don't know why I wanted that, I just know that I did, but once I've kissed him I'm definitely over it all. It wasn't as fun as kissing Luke is. His lips just taste like lips whereas Luke's taste like strawberries. Luke is the person I love with my whole soul, Florin just seemed exciting and fun, but he's not as great as I thought he would be. I step backwards, opening my eyes that I didn't realize I had closed. Florin looks surprised, Luke looks equally as surprised. 

"Well, now why did you do that? I'm not mad, just - confused and upset," Luke asks me, tears welling in his eyes and - shit - I didn't mean to hurt him. I just wanted to try something. Now Luke is on the verge of tears and I didn't want this to happen at all. We're both beyond high, I'm aware that he's only overly emotional because he had far more coke than I did. He's practically buzzing despite being extremely upset. 

"I just - I wanted to try something. Now you've seen me kiss him and not like it, you can get over your theory of me liking him. I love you and only you," I say to him and he just nods a little, instantly understanding and just smiling, telling me that he trusts me and loves me too. That was quick, almost too quick of a change of heart on Luke's behalf, but then again he's high, I'm high and we're both out of our minds. 

"Please refrain from ever doing that again Mr Clifford. This is my profession and your personal life. I don't want either of those to be compromised again thank you," And Florin definitely didn't like it either. Oh well, it's good to see that we're on the same page at least. I flip him off, as does Luke and the young blonde grabs my hand to continue our adventure. He's taking me upstairs, then up more stairs and maybe being on the highest floor of this mega mansion whilst Luke and myself are high isn't a great idea. But everything's got a hazy ring of light surrounding it and this seems like a great idea. 

"Where are we going? Lu? Luke, where are we going?" And I'm speaking a million words a minute but I don't care, nor does Luke because he just giggles that familiar giggle before pulling me into a room and closing the door behind him. It's like a whole studio up here, much like Gray's set up with mics, guitars and a piano. Except this room has it all. A drum kit, keyboards, bass guitars and really anything you can imagine. This must be where he practiced growing up. 

"Come with me Clifford. I think this hour is beautiful to go absolutely savage on a drum kit, yeah?" He asks me, his eyes dilated from the coke and from the love he has for me as he looks into my eyes, searching them for an answer. I just nod, so he pulls me over to the drum-kit in the room, picking up the sticks as he takes a seat, testing the hi-hats and the bass drum before he just starts playing a catchy drum fill. It's a simple one, the only drum fill that I have ever learnt in the multiple times I've ever sat at drums at Ash's house. 
"What's your favorite Nirvana drum line?" Luke asks me and I just say the first one that comes to mind.

"In Bloom?" I say and it's almost a question, but Luke just starts playing it. He's got some crazy kind of memory because to my knowledge it sounds perfect and he's always in a whole different world when he's playing music. He's just playing perfectly, as if this perfect rhythm is in his soul and I'm starting to think music and Luke go hand in hand. The two don't work without each other. 
"How do you keep so in rhythm? I need to play along with a track because I have no rhythm," I ask him and he stops drumming to talk to me. 

"I always have just a metronome going in my brain, when I'm talking, everything. That's why I pause when I do and speak how I do. I'm always tapping my foot to a beat or something. It helps with drumming especially. Grab one of the guitars and plug it in, this room is soundproof, let's recreate Nirvana up here," Luke says to me and I don't need to be told twice. I know the guitar parts for all of their songs, so once Luke helps me plug everything in, he sits back down at the drum-kit and it's all go. 

My soul is so full as we just play, goofing around but making real music together. Luke looks so happy, in awe of my guitar playing and that can't be so. He's some kind of music prodigy, his guitar playing is phenomenal, mine is mediocre in comparison. He tells me that I'm really good and it feels like the highest of praise to hear that from Luke. I think we've mostly come down, apparently Cocaine highs are quick to pass and the whole experience wasn't awful. Maybe that's a bad thing. 

"We could record up here. I recorded so much over the summer break after Ben died. I used to lock myself in this room for days on end. Come up here with a bowl of fruit and stay in the room for three, four days straight because there's a toilet up here and what not. I made a lot of psychedelic sounding shit up here. The equipment is better than what's at Gray's place too, so I prefer the vibe this place gives," Luke explains and he finally gets up off of the seat at the drum kit, walking over to the piano in the room that is just as grand as the other two in his family's possession at their two Australian homes. 

" Psychedelic soundings shit? What do you mean?" I ask him with a laugh and he just gives me a serious look, flipping me off before he sits at the piano, playing a few beautiful sounding chords as he sits here, mulling over what it was that I just asked him. 

"Like, doing LSD up here, away from everything else after Ben died and when my brain was full of confusion, I wrote some pretty weird shit. A lot of synth, a lot of acoustic guitar, euphoric sounding keys. My psychedelic era if I do say so myself," Luke explains and I've noticed that since we've been here, his Australian accent has definitely slipped quite a lot, falling back into what one could only describe as posh English. His accent really is something that's always confused me. 

"And this accent mess that you have going on right now?" I ask him and he just flips me off once more with a smile and I think that motion is his favorite thing to do at the moment. Just flipping people off left right and center. 

"I'm telling you Michael, I was taught English this way and in Australia I just tried desperately to fit in. Now that I'm back here, my accent just naturally reverts back to whatever this is. It's just because I'm desperate to eradicate my French accent really. Also people who speak English as a second language find Australian accents so difficult to understand. Traditional English and American accents are clearer than Australian accents," Luke explains to me and I could get used to this. 

"You should show me some of the things you wrote in here, I love everything you create," I say to him and he just thinks about it for a while, trying to remember what it is that he's actually written in here in the past. Eventually he just tells me that he'll show me them one day, deciding now rather to show me something on his phone and I suppose that's a good compromise for now. 

He explains that he has all of his childhood photos and videos on his phone because he's obsessed with this kind of thing. He likes to just sit down and commit the photos and videos to memory, making sure he really remembered his childhood and his oldest brother. He takes pride in this kind of thing and I'm glad he does. 

He tells me to sit beside him on the seat at the piano and he rests his head on my shoulder, going through the photos and videos, starting from the very beginning, photos of himself as an infant, asleep in his mothers arms and I'm so thankful that Luke values things like this. He keeps them on his phone and he holds them near and dear to his heart. 

There are videos of Luke when he was one or so, taking his first steps, videos of Luke babbling as a baby, someone in the background speaking French and it sounds a lot like his mother. There are videos of Luke at four or five years old with his brothers, throwing paint at each other and creating a terrible mess everywhere - but they're all so happy. There are photos of the three blonde boys, genuinely happy, smiling for the camera at Christmas time, at special events, you name it, there's probably a photo of the three Hemmings there. There are photos of Luke playing the piano when he was young and still tiny, his little hands struggling to reach different keys. 

My favorite video is one of Luke and his two brothers from when Luke must have been about eight years old and Ben in particular is picking on him for being small and terrible at English. Luke is just frowning in the video, a right ratbag look on his face as he just sits there, arms crossed in some kind of threatening anger from an eight year old and I just love it. Luke says in the video, and I quote, ' Ben stop. Not good, it's - you are being very not good, ' the blonde manages and his English then was very clearly limited, enough to just make Ben laugh and wrap his younger brother in a hug, just telling him that he's joking. Little Luke clearly doesn't understand that word, but that's where the video cuts anyway. 

As the videos go on, the happiness in the three blonde's eyes slowly dissipates, that sparkle they had when they were younger slowly snuffing out into darkness. Most of the videos beyond that point are of Ben being goofy in some attempt to brighten up his brother's moods, doing stupid shit to get a reaction, and sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn't and the videos just end. 

One in particular is clearly filmed on Luke's behalf, Luke entering Ben's room in their large Sydney home to pull something elaborate. He says his older brother's name and Ben hadn't even noticed that Luke had entered as the older boy was busy listening to music with headphones on, completely in a different world. 

'Ben? Have I ever told you how dashing you look, young fellow? As a member of the acclaimed Hemmings family, how would you rate your current life experiences on a scale of the sensation of eating cardboard, to the texture of soft foam under your finger tips, hm?' Luke asks his brother and it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. His brother doesn't know what to say to that at all. With this extremely high quality video, I'm finally able to see that his eyes are far lighter than his brother's eyes and I never knew that he had a side nose piercing, but alas here he is with just that. 

'Probably - a broken hair tie, why do you ask?' Ben answers and I have no idea what's going on, but I don't think they quite knew in the moment either. Luke shifts so that he's in the frame as well and I think the blonde boy is drunk in this video, but I'm not all too sure. He's about fifteen here, this has got to be close to when his brother passed. 

'The media wants to know these things, Herlaimont. When you're an adult can you take me away from this place? We can run away and leave the money to Jack?' Luke asks his brother and Ben just takes the camera from Luke, ending the video abruptly.  

I can see how that one upset Luke quite a lot. He moves on quickly and it's just a few more photos, the same ones I saw back in Australia, those last few with Ben. This was nice, it was beautiful really and I'm just glad Luke was willing to share it all with me. His life, his private life away from cameras and publicity. It's vulnerable and it's real. It's beautiful. 

"I know that I'm so grateful to be in this position, where finances are fortunately something I won't ever have to worry about, but I don't think I've ever been more suicidal in my whole life. France is helping, I'm feeling better during the day, but nights recently, I've been in my head far too much and I'm unsure as to where everything went wrong. That kid in all of those videos, he was so happy and then something changed. He was so happy, I want to hug him and tell him everything will be alright, that he doesn't deserve what's coming. I want him to be okay," And Luke is referring to himself in those videos and it makes me tear up. 

"It's going to be okay Luke. I'll be with you every step of the way, whenever you you need me I'll be right next to you. That little boy went through so much, but he came out of it all alive and healthy, yes? He's alive because you kept him afloat, and you can keep going for so much longer, I know you can. I love you so much, beautiful. You're my world," I say to him and he just nods a little, wiping away his tears, expertly not smudging any makeup once more. 

"I'm so sorry. I'm - I feel so numb yet so full of emotion and I'm panicking but I'm calm and everything is conflicting. I just need a breather but I can't calm down," And Luke truly is panicking. His breaths are coming in gasps of hyperventilation as he just struggles. It's the struggle of these attacks that fucks me over in my own mind because he's terrified right now and it's so much. This is too much for his mind to handle. 

"Hey, breathe baby. It's alright, you're okay," I find myself saying, just allowing him to sob into my chest, this time definitely smudging the makeup on his eyelids. He's just shuddering with every sob that attacks him and I've never seen Luke just openly sob so hysterically before. He's losing his grip on everything and he needs his meds sooner rather than later. 

"I'm sorry - I'm okay," But he doesn't sound okay. He's speaking in between sobs and he's hurting himself by denying the fact that he's not alright. He's pushing away his sadness constantly, plastering on a smile for everyone, deriving himself of true emotion. He's allowed to be upset. He's allowed to cry himself to sleepy every night in my arms if he feels that way. He shouldn't just slap a happy sticker on it all and call it problem solved because he's killing himself, slowly but surely. He needs a good cry. 

"Cry it out Angel. It's okay to cry, I'm here," I say to him and he doesn't need to be told twice to allow a sob to leave him as he buries his face into my chest once more, allowing me to just hold him tightly, rubbing his back and allowing this to all run it's course. A good cry is a great thing. 

So this is where Luke and I found ourselves at four in the morning, Luke still sobbing, myself exhausted but glad that Luke's getting this whole thing out of his system before he imploded. At some point we moved to the ground so that we could lay down, so when I start slipping into sleep, I'm quick to be pulled under by the human necessity. 

When I wake some time the next day, completely and utterly exhausted, the previous drug hazed night immediately comes crashing down on me. I remember the Cocaine, the music, the kiss, the crying. God - the crying. I sit up immediately, trying to locate Luke while I'm still half asleep and when my eyes land on the blonde, my heart shatters into a billion pieces. 

Luke is laying on the floor, a sheet of paper on his chest with writing on it that I can't read from where I am right now, but I can see that Luke is staring at the ceiling. That's not what worries me. It takes a second to process, but Luke isn't alright. He's bleeding. His wrists are bleeding lightly, both wrists dripping blood, not pouring and my heart sinks in my chest. There's a sharp disassembled razor on the ground that's fallen from his hand. 

I speak his name desperately. I move quickly to get closer, shake him, check his breathing and his pulse - thankful that he's both breathing and that his heart is beating. But the ground is stained red from his wrists and I finally look down to the paper on his chest as I just try to process this all a bit more. He's going to be okay, the cuts aren't too deep, but he still needs medical attention. I need to find Florin after I read what's displayed on his phone screen. 

'I don't think I'm okay. It's pathetic, it's honestly selfish and awful to want something like this, but I finally feel content. I shouldn't die, really I haven't cut deep enough, but if I'm left for too long, that just may be my fate. It's unfair to burden you, Michael, with finding me like this, it's unfair but I'm trapped. I'm so empty, my mind is so void and the past twenty minutes have felt like a lifetime, laying here thinking everything over. Don't think of this as a suicide attempt, think of it more so as an experiment. I don't want to die in this way. I really don't want to die at all as I fear my father is waiting for me in the afterlife. I'm simply tired and I couldn't sleep. Hope when you're reading this I'm at least unconscious. I'm so tired.'

It hurts. Luke's truly breaking right now and I find myself doing what any sane boyfriend would do in this situation. I scoop his limp body up into my arms, easily carrying him down flights of stairs until I'm finally able to get someone's attention and thank god it's Florin. 

"Is he breathing? Does he have a pulse?" Florin asks immediately, fear and worry in his voice as he quickly rushes over and all I can do is nod, no words coming to my mouth at all. Florin cares deeply about Luke, I can see it in his eyes and I couldn't ask for anything more for Luke. I'm in such a state of disbelief and terror because I can't breathe just seeing my beautiful boy so pale and lifeless, bleeding on the floor. I should have stayed awake for him. I should have been there. 

Florin manages to patch up Luke, noting that Luke's out cold not just because of blood loss thankfully, but because of many factors, the main being that he's simply so exhausted that his body and mind don't want to cooperate. Luke's tiring himself to unconsciousness and Florin is thankfully very kind and assuring in times of great stress. He reassures me time and time again that Luke will be okay. That he couldn't have bled out from those incisions. 

He explains that Luke is in hypervolemic shock, early stages of it and that's why he's so pale and shaky. It's scary, I know that that's bad, but Florin explains that he's going to be okay. That he's only in the early stages of shock, the whole thing able to return to normal here and soon. 

Luke eventually comes around as well and he's completely incoherent and lost, but I'm just glad he's fucking alive after pulling that scare on me. My heart rate has never been that high before, I'm sure of it. I find myself just talking because talking is what tends to calm us both. And we both need some calming right now. 

"Hey lovely. Please don't ever do that again, I love you too much to lose you," I say to him and he's shivering as he lays here, closing his eyes and just cursing himself. Is he upset that he didn't succeed in whatever it was he was trying to do? He made it clear that it wasn't a suicide attempt in that note, so what was it? I'm extremely lost, but I'm also scared. 

"You should have left me," And his voice breaks as he speaks so softly that it could be classed as a whisper. His eyes are welled with tears and he's still so pale, but he's got dark circles under his eyes because he's so exhausted. It's so unfair for Luke to have to go through this. I never would have left him there like that, never in a million years. Florin explains that we need to get some fluids into him, but Luke really doesn't want to cooperate. 

"I should've been there for you Luke, I should have stayed awake until I knew you were okay. Now I'm not going to leave you alone until I know you're okay, yeah? Florin will just go and get you some water, okay?" I say to him and he finally seems to understand that I really do care and that I'm not going to leave him alone. He needs help right now, he's in a terrible mental place, awful really and I knew that this was coming sooner or later. 

"I shouldn't have to rely on you, Michael. I'm so tired and everything is so overwhelming. I'm seventeen and I have a will because I have the most money in the world and I don't know who to leave it to. I want to leave it to you, but I don't want to burden you with it all when I die. At the moment it's split between three things. My mother, Jack and a charity that helps young people dealing with mental health issues. It's so difficult, I'm neglecting my duties that I have to do as a person with this much money all because of my mental health that's just beyond fallen apart. I'm exhausted," Luke explains and I hate that he's been thrown into this. 

"I'm so sorry Luke. You deserve so much better than this. I can't lose you - please stay here with me. I understand that it's selfish for me to ask that you stay for me, but I need you. So many people need you now," I say to him and he just sighs a little, tilting his head back so that he's paying entirely on the floor, eyes closed as he thinks it all over. 

"I need my medication. I need - I can't function without it. Yesterday was so difficult, I need help," Luke speaks and it's so desperate. He's practically pleading for the meds that he's always wanted to avoid taking, but now without them he's able to see how much they truly help him. Surely we can get them sent here quickly, or just get new meds from a pharmacy here, but whatever we figure out, it needs to be quick. 

"I'll make sure it gets to you baby. Until then we can take it easy, yeah? Stay home, cuddle the dogs, cuddle each other and just live in the moment. How does that sound?" I ask him and he just nods. 

"Sounds therapeutic. If I'm here I have to be productive, I have to write and record," Luke explains and if that's what it'll take then of course he can do that. No one besides Florin needs to know about this, Luke doesn't want people taking about his mental issues, that's clear, so when Florin comes back and asks to talk to his mother about all of this and he quickly panics, telling him that she can't know. 

Technically Luke employs the man, so Luke's word overrides anything else said by anyone else. So Florin keeps his lips sealed, giving Luke a glass of water, much to the blondes gratitude. He didn't want to do this, his mind is just so very persuasive over his actions sometimes and he can see that this time - his mind wanted him dead before he truly wanted to go. He made it clear he didn't want to die. That's not what he wants at all, and he wants me to know that. 

When Luke stands, he does so too quickly and I find myself having to catch him before he hurt himself. It's such a brief loss of consciousness that he just groans a little practically immediately after, apologizing for being careless. I'll always be here to catch him should he need it, but he doesn't need to apologize to me at all. We make sure he's feeling alright enough to stay upright before I let him out of my grasp and he assures me that he's alright. 

He drinks the last of the water and Florin asks to see the cuts once more, just to check that he didn't miss anything and to see if they have stopped bleeding or not. He takes the bandages off of Luke's wrists and this is all horribly nostalgic. It reminds me of the time Luke cut himself at my house, when my mother had to also check the self inflicted injuries Luke gave himself. He was so numb then, he's so numb now and he's tearing me to pieces.

Eventually when Florin sticks more appropriate band-aids to Luke's wrists, he finally deems Luke healthy enough to do whatever he wants to do. The blonde wants to go back upstairs, he tugs lightly on my arm, willing me to go back upstairs and that reminds me of something. 

"Hey Florin? There's blood on the carpet in the studio room upstairs, how do I scrub it out? Do you have any bleach or something?" I ask him because I've cleaned up blood many times in the past. I'm clumsy after all and I've gotten blood on practically every surface possible, so I've also had to be the one to clean it up. My parents used to work night shifts, so I didn't want them to come home to blood everywhere. I've gotten rather good at the whole thing. 

"I will come up and clean it for you, don't worry about it. Are you sure that you're feeling alright Master Louka?" Florin speaks before asking about Luke's current state of health and I just look over to him and he's got his eyes closed, swaying a little and he's not in a good way. That much I can wordlessly determine. But he just nods because he's stubborn and probably going to put himself through something terrible if he doesn't just take it easy. 

"Angel? Let's get you to bed, okay? Just lay you down for a while," I find myself speaking, tugging Luke's arm a little in the direction of his room and he's so out of it that he doesn't put up a fight, he simply nods and plods along slowly beside me. I walk at his pace, and by the time we make it to his room he just flops onto the bed, exhausted and clearly in pain. His wrists must hurt like hell because he lets out a whimper that tears at my heartstrings. 

He curls himself up in a ball on the bed that's far too big for one person, making himself as small as possible as he just bites back whimpers at the physical pain he's putting himself through. He doesn't deserve this at all. This trip was supposed to be about healing and growing as a person for Luke. Not forgetting his meds and falling into a depressed state where he tried to end his life somewhat. 

"Get some sleep baby. We can talk later, you look so exhausted," And it's true, he's looking like hell. His countless sleepless nights are all catching up to him and last night was kind of a final straw. I fell asleep as he sobbed and he stayed awake just to slit his wrists. He's not sleeping much at all recently, not during last week's exams, not now, and he's finally starting to lose it because of his lack of rest. He's been all go for so long. He needs a break. 

"I'm so sorry, I just want the sadness to be over," Luke speaks softly, a sob threatening to make itself known and I just want the sadness to be over for Luke too. He doesn't deserve this one bit. 

"Me too angel. Don't apologize, just promise not to do that again. You're my universe baby, I can't do this without you," I say to him, running my thumb over his cheek and he just nods a little at making that promise. He falls into the land of dreams at that and I'm just so thankful. His mind is at breaking point and he can't physically stay alive without his meds at this point in time. His mother hasn't been around much since we've been here, it's odd, but we're adults ourselves now and we can deal with this. But not alone. And I find myself calling Cal because he said before I left, that I should call at any hour if I ever needed anything. So it's exactly what I do. 

"Michael, what's up? Is France as amazing as you'd always dreamed it would be?" Calum's opening line is laced with sleep and I hate that I must have woken him up. Really I shouldn't talk to him about this and about Luke, but I need someone right now. Looking back down at Luke before I speak, there's a lot about the blonde that's different to usual. He's kept the stubble look, at least recently he has and his eyeshadow is all smudged. He's looking beautiful as ever, just more grown up and I suppose watching Luke grow up is something almost bittersweet. I'm only eight months older than him. 

"I'm sorry, I just had to call because of something with Lu and I was looking for some advice. He's not good at all, he's tried to hurt himself quite badly, and I don't know what to do. He's not in immediate danger, he's patched up by a doctor, but he's just losing it recently because he doesn't have his meds and I'm watching him fall apart," I say, completely bypassing what he asked me and I just listen as silence rings on for a while as Calum processes what I said. Both that and phone delay. I'll give Cal the benefit of the doubt. 

"Are you alright? Talk to me, tell me what happened and I'll try to help," Calum asks, making sure I too am okay and I knew that hearing his voice would make me feel better. He's my best mate after all. 

"He's out cold now, but last night we were high and having a sentimental moment when Luke just started to panic and sob. I fell asleep before him and I should have stayed awake until I knew he was alright, but I woke up to see him bleeding on the floor with an odd almost suicide note on his chest. He was unconscious and one of the butlers here is a doctor, and he said Luke was in shock. But he woke up and he's not doing great. I'm just so scared that he'll succeed next time," I explain because I know there's going to be a next time . 

"What did the note say exactly?" Calum asks and I don't want to even think about it right now, but I explain to my friend. 

"It said that he was tired. That he doesn't want to die, he just wants a break from all of this. He's not alright Cal and I just want to help him. His Dad is dead - he's free but he's getting worse and I don't understand. I just want my fiancé to be okay," I say and I run my fingers through Luke's hair as he whimpers and mumbles in his sleep. These night terrors haven't subsided either. 

It's those helpless whimpers that tear me apart the most. When he's crying, when he's having a nightmare, it just tears at my heart because it's so vulnerable. It's showing innocence and vulnerability and Luke does it involuntarily when he's scared. He's like a small puppy, whimpering after being hurt and I hate it all so much. 

"Maybe his Dad wasn't the biggest problem? I mean, yeah he was a psychotic and evil guy, but he was still Luke's Dad. Maybe there's something else in Luke's life as well that's an issue and you just don't know it yet? All I'm trying to get at is that just because his asshole father is dead, doesn't just mean he can just move on. It doesn't work like that," Calum explains and I understand that, I guess I was just wishfully hoping that things would get better like some fairytale. 

"I just want him to be okay. He was showing me photos and videos from his childhood yesterday and he looked so fucking happy. But now he's so upset all the time and it's breaking me. I can't help but feel like it's my fault," I say to Cal because recently I've realized that maybe spending every single second with Luke isn't a good thing. He needs space, just like I do and I think our relationship is tearing us apart. 

"I'm sorry Mikey, I don't know how to help with that. Just be there for him and help him through this. He loves you so much, so show him that you feel the same way and just hope that it's enough. I really don't know what to do to help," Calum explains and I just want to thank him endlessly for this. He feels like his help was inadequate but it's just what I needed right now. I needed to hear his voice, I needed his reassurances. 

"No, thank you so much Cal, I needed to hear that. I'm sorry to have bothered you, were you sleeping?" I ask him and he just hums a tired confirmation, making me feel awful about the fact before he explains to me. 

"It's alright, I just went to sleep, it's like 11:30pm here, we can chat. How’s France been? I saw the news article about you and Luke. The skirt looked nice, you did too,” Calum says and I can hear the tiredness in his words, but he really does want to talk to me.

“Yeah? I hope all of this shit hasn’t been proper big news, we’re just being people,” I say to him and I just hear him chuckle lightly and I don’t know if that’s a good sign or not. I hate that I’m suddenly in some kind of fame when it comes to this whole thing. I’ve gained thousands upon thousands of new Instagram followers in the past few days and it feels so wrong. Nobody knows me. Everyone’s just a bunch of sheep in this world.

“Believe me Mike, you’re the hot gossip around here. Everyone is talking about you and Luke - like everyone. You and Luke were on the front page of the newspaper that all the oldies were reading at the retirement home this morning. They all thought you looked fancy,” Calum says and I just groan because - of course. I hate that so much.

“God, that’s awful Cal. How’s Mali been with everything? Is she alright?” I decide to ask because I can imagine that hearing Hemmings in the media so often must be hurting her quite a bit and must be stirring up terrible memories. It turns out that I’m not wrong .

“She’s not doing too great with hearing about the Hemmings so often. She’s been quite out of it recently, so I’ve been hanging with her, keeping an eye on her to make sure she’s alright. She’s been really panicky,” Calum explains and I hate that she was ever treated by Jack in a way that absolutely tore her apart.

“I’m so sorry Cal, that that ever happened. You let me rant about Lu, now I want to hear all about this, yeah?” I ask of him because I really want to know what’s going on over in Australia and he just takes a deep breath before explaining everything.

“She’s been sleeping a lot, most hours of the day really. When she’s awake she’s beyond terrified of everything and she just sits in her room. The worst part about it all is that everything that happened between her and Jack, she’s blocked it all from her mind. She just can’t remember anything to do with her relationship with Jack and that just makes her panic all the more terrifying for her,” Calum explains and I just curse out in a hushed whisper because maybe Mali is further down this rabbit hole than I suspected.

“Is that new? Like - her blocking Jack from her memories I mean,” I ask Calum and he just says that it’s new. That she used to talk about it somewhat with Cal, but then all of a sudden, since everything’s started turning to shit, she’s absolutely blocked it from her mind. Her brain is protecting her from the trauma.

At that, Luke starts to toss and I hate that he doesn’t ever get any proper sleep because he wakes up in a cold sweat, breathing quickly and eyes panicked. I haven’t ever had a dream before that’s affected me as greatly as Luke’s dreams terrify me, and I hate that I’ll never truly understand what Luke’s going through.

“Hey Lu, you’re alright. I’m just on the phone with Cal, yeah? You’re okay, hey breathe baby,” I find myself having to say to the blonde because he’s absolutely panicked, he’s got tears in his eyes and they’re just so wide with terror because he’s beyond anxious and panicked right now. I hate that I’m now pulling Calum directly into all of this, but the brunette just stays quiet.

“I’m not - he’s going to hurt me - don’t let him hurt me,” Luke sobs and he’s completely lost in whatever just happened. He’s sobbing, he clings to me for dear life and I hate that he’s making himself so vulnerable right now. He’s so exhausted and he’s tearing himself apart. He’s so broken.

“No one’s going to hurt you angel. I’m here, you’re safe, you’re so safe baby,” I say to him and he just stays quiet, shuddering as silent sobs attack him and he’s still so scared, but he’s calming himself down and I just want to wrap him up and never let him out of my sight. I want him to be okay.

“I don’t want him to hurt me. I'm so scared Michael," Luke says to me and I just hold him, allowing him to me the small one, allowing him to be the one that needs comfort because he's so lost and scared right now. I don't know who he's talking about. I have no idea what’s happening in his mind, but he voiced that he’s scared, he’s scared that someone is going to hurt him.

“Who do you think is going to hurt you lovely? No one’s going to hurt you. Cal I’ll call you back,” I say the last part purely to Calum who just hums in confirmation, letting me hang up so I can put my full attention on helping Luke right now. He’s hardly breathing, he’s so worked up over this and I hate seeing him in so much distress. His words that he speaks next are practically just sobs.

“I don’t want - I don’t want anyone to hurt me anymore. I don’t want to be in any more pain because I’m so scared. I just want everything to stop. I want to be alone,” Luke sobs out and I just shush him a little because he’s wearing himself out. I don’t know how to help him because I still don’t understand what exactly he’s scared of.

“Breathe love. No one’s going to hurt you. You need to calm down angel, it’s okay, you're okay,” I say to him and he just sobs into my shirt, so incredibly overly emotional right now. He’s completely out of it, he’s so exhausted and he’s just letting himself cry it all out. I genuinely think he’s broken.

“Please don’t hurt me - I just want to be at home, I want to be safe and I want Ben back. I want everyone back,” And he’s just so incoherent sounding as he speaks, losing it quite literally. I don’t know what on earth is going on through his mind, I don’t know why he’s losing it like this, but his current state is scaring me.

“I’m not going to hurt you, not at all Luke. Are you sure you didn’t pack your meds, I’m sure you did, we definitely wouldn’t have forgotten them,” I risk asking him because I think he’s calming down a bit and he just shrugs. He didn’t have a good look for his meds of course, so I find myself sifting through his bags to see if he just had a bad look.

They aren’t in his suitcase, that I’m sure of, but I sift through his carry on bag and - fucking hell Luke. He should have looked properly because there, in the bottom of his bag are his three different containers of prescribed meds. His antidepressants, his anti-psychotics and his sleeping pills. When I show them to him he practically sighs with sheer relief . Of course this was avoidable.

"Do you want to take them now? Or would you rather wait till dinner time? How're you feeling?" I ask him and he seems to have calmed down somewhat at the realization that he's able to take his meds and I'm just glad that we can get him back on track with recovery. He’s definitely simmered down thank god.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to completely lose it. I think I take anti-psychotics for a reason,” Luke says, laughing it all off and I hate that he’s like this. That he’s always intent on laughing this shit off. He shouldn’t just turn around and say oh well to this whole thing, but that’s what he’s like and I hate it so much.

“Yeah? Not to be a party pooper, but I agree Lukey. Don’t get upset with me, but do you know any psychiatrists or therapists in France that you’d be willing to talk to? Or could you make an online session with Jamie maybe?” I ask Luke and he just frowns at that before nodding a little.

“I’ll look into it. Can we go upstairs, I don’t know why we’re here when I want to go upstairs,” Luke asks me and he was so out of it after he woke up in the hallway that I don’t blame him for not being certain as to why we’re suddenly in his room. We’re however interrupted by a knock at Luke’s door. Luke tells them to come in.

“Louka, your presence as well as Mr Clifford’s presence is requested in the dining room. Do you mind coming with me?” And it’s the younger looking girl who panicked in the kitchen yesterday. She still looks particularly nervous to be here, but Luke is actually very professional about things here, so of course he just nods and stands despite the tears still drying on his cheeks.

“Have you been informed on why it is that we are requested to be there?” Luke asks her, walking next to me as she leads the way as if Luke needs leading of any sort. It feels overly professional, but Luke is just wearing what he wore yesterday. All black, a skirt, smudged eyeshadow. It’s unprofessionally professional.

“I have been informed that it is a meeting of great importance. Other than that, I haven’t been informed on the details. Apologies Louka,” And she seems to be the only person here who actually listened to Luke’s request at dropping the formality when addressing him - although the blonde still scrunches up his nose at the name Louka rather than just Luke.

“Please, just call me Luke. And Michael is just Michael,” Luke speaks quietly and the young girl just apologizes once again before opening the dining room doors for us and motioning for us to enter. My first thought in this madness is that - okay this is weird - but I just go along with it, as does Luke and I can finally take this all in a little more.

Chapter Text

There are four males at the table, all dressed in black suits like some kind of terrible American film where the CIA informs the protagonists about an alien invasion. That’s all I can possibly compare it to, but when Luke and I sit down and see the blonde's mother sitting at the table, everything has an odd and eerie feeling to it.

“Bonjour,” Is all Luke really wills himself to say and he looks just as confused as I feel. He’s holding my hand under the table and I hate that he’s making himself do this. He’s not in the best place mentally for whatever is going on.

“Monsieur Herlaimont. We are here to discuss a few matters with you regarding one Gray Goldsworth . I understand that you know him?” One of the burly looking men asks, accent rather British sounding, confusing me entirely. Does Luke really need to do this right now? Surely whatever it is can wait.

“Yes, I know him. What do we have to discuss regarding him?” Luke asks and he’s rather snappy, not as inviting nor friendly as he is with his butlers and other associates. He really doesn’t want to discuss this at all. He’s very clearly over today and it’s barely begun.

“Are you prepared enough for not too great news?” And did it really have to be worded like that? Luke just tenses a little bit, but he nods and I don’t know what I was waiting for, but what he tells us definitely wasn’t at the top of my list.
“Recently it has come to our attention that Gray has passed away. He overdosed on Heroin in his home in Sydney the night before last. He wrote a suicide note. If you were willing to, I have a photograph of the note that I would suggest you read,” And Luke needs a second. Heck - I need a second but ultimately the younger boy just nods a little, being passed a printed out version of the photograph that the man in all black referred to. Luke places it between himself and myself with shaky hands so that we can both read it.

‘ Love. I have lusted for love for so long, but it seems as though everyone I know doesn’t feel a similar way.

The past few days have been nice really. It’s been odd to hear about Luke’s father and Luke himself, but my lawyers caught wind of the fact that police were trying to build a case against me due to the kid and his big mouth.

I suppose that all is fair in love and war, although I’m unsure as to what it is exactly that Luke would class our relationship as. I never thought that my suicide note would be so centered around little Hemmings, but then again when I think about it, he was my world.

I love Luke. My whole being will never love anyone as much as it’s loved Luke, but I don’t think he ever felt a similar way. I suppose Michael got in the way, although I admit they suit each other more than Luke and I ever fit.

All I want is happiness for those too. I hate that I put Luke through so much. Or does he go by Louka again? I digress, I hope that this doesn’t hurt anyone much. I hope this helps Luke live contently because I really do love him. 

His photographs deserve an audience. 

Mum and Dad, fuck you. ’

And that’s where it ends, signed by Gray himself. I don’t know how to feel, I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel but everything is so confusing recently. Luke doesn’t say anything. His eyes skim over the whole thing time and time again as if he’s looking for some hidden meaning in the whole thing. Eventually he speaks.

“Thank you sincerely for informing me. Is that all that you wish to talk to me about?” Luke says and it’s not the response anyone else was preparing for, but I know Luke. I know that he’ll want to party. He’ll be happy, somewhere inside of this boy is a spark of happiness that Gray is gone. But it also tears him apart. It’s a two way street.

“Louka, did Gray ever do anything to hurt you in any way, shape or form?” He asks and Luke just nods simply and I can see the pure shock on his mothers face although she tries to mask it. She’s shocked, she always thought the two just had a falling out. But Luke decides to drop the bombshell.

“He drugged and raped me twice, but I don’t wish to talk about that, alright? My morning has been awful enough as is and I would like to disengage from conversation. Please and thank you,” Luke says and he’s acting strange.

“But Louka, I don’t think you understand how lucky you are to be alive. Gray, he was obsessed with you. He had plans to kill you if you stayed in Sydney. He wanted to die with you so you could be together forever," He explains and Luke's expression doesn't change. He doesn't even react to it at all, it's like he's totally unfazed by everything and I don't understand how he can be this calm. Even if he's falling apart on the inside. 

"I was already aware, but I thank you sincerely for coming here. Now if you could please leave, that would be greatly appreciated," Luke is trying to rush this whole thing along but now I want to know more. He's left me on something big - he was aware of Gray's intentions, should he have stayed in Sydney and it's something I thought he would have told me. But apparently not. 

"We have other matters to discuss Louka-” He begins once more and he’s really pushing Luke. This really isn’t the greatest time for Luke to have inherited all of this wealth. He’s been handed so much power and responsibility, but he is not in the best mental state at all. He’s falling apart, he’s trying to be strong and take this all head on, but he’s just going to crash and burn.

“I don’t want to fucking discuss anything with you! Please for the love god, get out of my fucking house,” Luke raises his voice at them, tears welling in his eyes as he yells at them and he’s somewhat losing it right now. He’s letting his emotions quite frankly overtake him and I forget how threatening he can be when he’s pissed off. He’s either just a soft, love filled cutie of a human, or he’s mad and threatening. There’s not really an in-between.

“We cannot push this back Louka. We’re worried about you - everyone is worried about you,” He speaks and it hurts Luke clearly. Everything very quickly happens before I can even process much or warn Luke about what’s going on. The man sitting beside him has a needle, something that gets non-consensually inserted into Luke’s skin through his shirt, very clearly surprising the blonde and myself.

“Hey, what the fuck did you just do?” I speak before Luke does because he’s busy being speechless, moving away from this whole thing, standing up and backing backward. His mother looks like she knows what’s going on. Everyone looks very calm, unamused even and my heart is pounding because - what the hell is going on?

“We just want you to calm down a little, Luke. You’ve just got to breathe and relax a bit,” His mother says and there’s no way that she’s condoning this - is she? Her son was just injected with god knows what and she’s calm about the entire situation. I find myself standing too, moving over to Luke who’s panicking quietly.

“What the fuck did you drug him with?” I ask because I’m scared for Luke right now. He’s my number one priority - above myself - and I just need to know that he’s going to be alright. No one is doing anything, everyone stays seated, calm, and this was all something that was evilly planned. What the fuck have we gotten ourselves into?

“It’s just some morphine to calm him down a bit. You might want to sit back down soon Louka, or you might hurt yourself,” The man speaks and this is evil. Luke’s eyelids are drooping closed as he stands here and I don’t know how much they just gave him, but he’s out of it and we both just listen to the man.
“Now, I have important business matters to discuss with you both and I understand that Luke is no longer in the right mental space to listen to any of this, so I need you to listen very carefully Michael,” He speaks.

I just nod because I’m scared of what these people are capable of. Luke is resting his head on my shoulder and he's so out of it. He’s half alert, his eyes fluttering open and closed every now and again and I just run my hand through his hair to keep him calm even if I’m panicking myself.

“Good, now I have some things to discuss. Louka, you are to organize a few things with the Belgian Royal family as we have been contacted by them in regards to you and a meeting. So before then, you have to get your shit together a bit more. All the media has been talking about is your mental state and that’s not the best thing,” He explains and Luke decides to join in despite being so out of it.

“Mm, I don’t wanna. I can’t see anyone because of the blood,” Luke says and I don’t know what he’s on about, but he’s all slurry and out of it. No one else knows what he’s trying to get at either and seeing as they don’t seem to care much about the blonde, they hardly give him the light of day.

“Well we don’t care if you don’t want to. You’re seventeen Louka, your mother still has authority and say over what you can do. You’re still a minor and if she says that you need to do this, then you have to listen to her,” And I think I glare at Mrs Hemmings because she could stop all of this, she could send these guys out and sue them for drugging her son, but she’s just sitting back, a similarly glazed look in her eyes as she just looks down to her hands that are resting on the table in front of her. She’s just as lost to all of this as Luke is.

“Mum, I don’t want to. I want them to please leave - Mum,” And Luke is practically pleading quietly as he battles against the morphine, half awake as he pleads for what he really wants. His mother hardly looks at him. She hardly cares and I see what Luke always meant about his mother not being such an angel. She’s just as bad as the rest of them.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Your son is terrified for his life right now and you aren’t even so much as looking at him. We’re leaving. Come on angel, let’s get out of here,” I find myself completely losing it at his mother and everyone else in here because if Mrs Hemmings isn’t going to look out for Luke, then I will.

“Sit back down you fucking idiot. You have no say in any of this, if you’re with Luke then you listen to us, okay? This is a whole lot bigger than just you and we have many ways to get rid of you if you become a hassle. So sit down, shut up and don’t get in our fucking way,” He speaks and I think I lose my breath, all of a sudden very scared for my life too. What has Lu gotten himself into?

“Now, Elizabeth, can we please get this all over and done with. This was supposed to be a quick conversation about what Louka has been missing in the past few days. He needs to take his position in the world a little more seriously. Appearances definitely matter, and your son is busy, everyday just getting high and drunk, ruining his reputation. We received yours and Mr Herlaimonts end of year exam results today. If you wish to know what you got we can show you them?" And he can't just turn it around like that, but Luke nods a little. 

Another piece of paper is put in front of us and I think I let out an absolute sigh of relief when I scan over mine and see that I miraculously passed them all. Scanning over Luke's I'm happy for him too. All perfect. Every single one of them, a one hundred out of one hundred and it's what he deserves really. 

"There will be talk about it being rigged, but I can assure you that these results are in fact what you received. Congratulations on your results to both of you. Don't look so stressed Michael, young Louka doesn't like to cooperate often, he's okay," The man says once more and it doesn't really ease my nerves on the situation. 

"Surely this isn't legal? You're drugging someone without consent, I could go to the cops and get you all arrested,” I say to him and he just gives me a look before he explains the legalities behind what he’s doing.

“A few years back we gained Luke’s consent to do these things. You need to understand Michael, that Luke never used to read fine print. Especially fine print that was in English about five or six years ago. That doesn’t make it any less legal. He still signed legal documents that allow this to be our main method of calming him down. Only a guardian of his can change that, and seeing as Mrs Hemmings here has no objections, things stay as they have always been,” The man says and I hate that rich and powerful people think of these things. I hate it all.

“Can he unsign it if he no longer wants this to happen?” I ask and he just stays silent, explaining that we’re done here for today. They can’t do that. They can’t just drug Luke and leave - but that’s exactly what they’ve done and it’s so odd to me that Luke’s mother just let that all happen. I don’t understand what’s going on here. Not at all.

Luke tells me that he wants to forget about this and go back up to the studio room and honestly I want out of here too. I don’t know what Luke’s been dragged into all of a sudden, but I glare at his mother as we leave, holding Luke’s hand tightly should he need me to keep him upright while everything runs through his system. He’s coming out of it. I’m very glad.

We get up to the studio room and Luke lays across the floor. He’s exhausted, but he’s also so done with everything that I don’t blame him in the slightest. This has been such a stuff around for Luke, he’s being screwed over by his father, even after death and everyone is quite over it. The blood has been cleaned, but the memory of it all is still there. It sucks.

“I’m sorry that that had to happen. I just want to stay up here and write for forever,” Luke explains before standing up and going over to the piano where he just plays chords, alternating through a few, calming himself down and allowing the music to just wash over him.

“Maybe not forever. Forever is a very long time Lu,” I say to him and he just shrugs, telling me that he’d be fine to stay here for that long. He doesn’t know what he’s doing in life, I don’t know what he’s doing either, but he’s content in this room. He’s happy here. Somewhat.

“I can show you everything that I’ve ever made up here. I thought about it for a while and I want you to hear it all. I think there’s more than a hundred songs in here in compressed files. You can flick through whatever you want. A lot of them are ideas, a lot of them are complete or mostly so. Do whatever you want, I just like listening to any music,” Luke explains, turning on the computer system in the room that’s used to house all of the music Luke has created.

There are hundreds of files. They’re all dated and there is a period of time from around this time last year where there are three or four entries every day for about a month straight. He definitely poured his soul into creating things and they’re all labeled so intriguingly.

“What do you recommend listening to?” I ask him, scrolling through everything and he just watches nervously, biting his thumb nail as I just look through it all. There are a lot that are labeled ideas from different dates, but there are a few with titles or titles and which aspect it is - like verse, chorus, bridge - and so on.

“Nothing from too far back. This year, maybe last year. The ideas are all just ideas. A lot of humming with a metronome in the background. Maybe chord progressions too, but they usually remain incomplete. The ones with titles are mostly complete, but the finished ones are in that folder,” Luke says, pointing to a folder labeled; Compléter .

“Did anyone help you write or play any of them?” I ask, clicking on the folder of complete songs that has more than thirty audio files attached from the past two years. There are more from prior years, but there are enough here for hours worth of audio just from this year alone.

“Everything in here I recorded alone. I did all of the playing and the mixing. There are a few in different folders that Jack helped me with, or just other people I knew, but everything in this folder is just me,” Luke explains and I’m in awe of that fact. I’ve never written any music at all apart from for school, but otherwise, I have zero creativity.

“What one do you want me to listen to?” I decide to ask as I scroll through them for a while and he just shrugs before pointing at one of them that he deems adequate to play. It’s called forgive , stylized with a lowercase as opposed to most of the songs in this folder. I click on it and Luke turns up the volume so that the music can fully encompass us.

It’s very guitar oriented. It has a guitar riff that leads the song and it stays like that for most of it. There’s some bass, some electronic drums on those bass beats that mixes with the acoustic guitar so well. As usual the lyrics cut deep and it really is a beautiful song that builds into the final chorus before everything just cuts into a suspenseful darkness. He knows how to tell a story with music. Luke decides to speak when it’s over.

“I don’t like it that much. I want to give it to someone else though. I’ve done that a few times actually, given what I’ve written to proper artists so they can release it as their own with their own spin on it,” Luke explains and I was unaware of that. I didn’t think Luke liked other’s hearing his music.

“I liked it. Maybe I’m a little biased though,” I say to him and he just sticks his tongue out at me. He scrolls through the songs himself this time, trying to find one in particular and he eventually finds it, asking me if I want to listen to any more of them or not. Of course I do, so he clicks onto it but pauses it immediately to give me a disclaimer.

“Uh, this one was definitely from that odd psychedelic era of music I made. It’s weird, I don’t really remember making it, but I don’t hate it that much. It's called Motion, I don't know what it's about but, you know. It's probably nothing important,” Luke says, warning me before pressing play once more and I don't know what exactly that insinuates, but I'm excited regardless. It starts with a guitar riff and whispy vocal, but it almost immediately blasts into drums and bass and guitar and euphoric sounding vocals that are just so professionally mixed. It's proper radio worthy music and it's barely begun. It's fucking awesome. 

'With every sundown, I feel alone
These hands are strangers, they ain't my own
My eyes are lying, my eyes are lying to me
With every comedown, nowhere to go
This simple silence is all I know
You know I'm trying, you know I'm trying to leave' 

The lyrics are definitely strange. If I didn't know he was on drugs whilst writing it, I would have questioned what he was on when penning this one up. I don't know what exactly he was on when he wrote it, he'd have to explain that to me, but it is honestly real, professional music that has me in awe. It goes through the chorus before the second verse comes around.

'I know it's hiding somewhere within
I'm just a makeup of words that I spin
All my desires are made of my arrogance
Took a walk in the neighborhood
Float away, and it's gone for good
There's some things that I'll never know
Searching for a miracle'

"What the hell were you on when you wrote that, Jesus Christ. It was fucking awesome, but it was weird," I say to him when it finished and he laughs, he genuinely laughs his wheezy laugh that provides me so much joy and I'm just glad that he's not completely lost to all of this. He can still laugh and find joy in these things. It's beautiful.

"I think I had Psilocybin mushrooms. I mean like - it was a bunch of shit all together really, but mainly shrooms, which I did not enjoy," Luke explains and I just shake my head a little because of course Luke's done shrooms before. He's done most things out there, but it's good to know that he doesn't like the effects of the hallucinogen. At least it's something that can be ticked off. 

"For the record, I didn't enjoy the coke last night, I don't ever want to do that again. What did the shrooms do that you didn't enjoy? You wrote a pretty amazing song that you managed to record while high on them," I point out, and he looks shocked that I didn't like being high on Cocaine. It's not my fault I don't generally enjoy being that out of it. 

"You didn't like the coke? It's so fun though. Being weightless and fearless like that. I did my end of year exams last year absolutely high off my ass on coke every single exam. Oh well. The shrooms, let's just say it was the trip of a lifetime. Jack was with me, not high at all, and he said that I absolutely lost it. Apparently I thought the floor was like grass and I thought I was outside, with birds or something? I just kind of hallucinated a lot of shit and was sobbing almost the entire time. But I got a good song out of it, so it wasn't a total bust," Luke says to me and I just shake my head once more because he's awful. 

"How did you pass your exams like that? You can't even string words together when you're high, how'd you manage exams?" I ask him and he just explains. 

"I'm telling you, doing exams without fear, high on coke is an odd experience. I don't remember taking the exams, but I got perfect results so it worked. It was like - third eye opening - kind of shit. I'm telling you. I re-read my exams when they got sent back at the start of the year and I don't know how I did what I did, but ya know," Luke explains and I really don't know, but I nod nonetheless. 

"I don't know how you do it Lu. I'm really proud of you for getting solid perfect scores," I say to him and he just gives me a look at that. A curious, confused look and I don't know what he's getting at, but he eventually just voices his confusion. 

"What do you mean perfect scores? What scores?" Luke asks me and oh. Was he that out of it when he smiled lightly at his perfect exam results that he can't remember them right now. Probably. 

"Oh, we got out exam results earlier after that asshole drugged you. You got perfect results and I'm really happy for you," I say to him and he looks shocked in the best way possible. He looks proud of his accomplishments for once and I'm so glad that he's allowing himself this moment. I can imagine in his mind how cinematic it must be. The world slowing down, confetti everywhere. But he gets over it all very quickly to ask me a question. 

"But how did you do? Did you pass everything? I'm sure you did," Luke asks with a smile and I just nod and he looks impossibly proud. He wraps me in a tight hug of pure pride and I'm just so happy that he's happy right now. I'm so glad. 

"Yeah, I passed everything barely. I did quite well in my music theory exams and my history ones, but I scraped by in the others and that's all that matters," I say to him and he just congratulates me, telling me how proud he is and how happy he is that I did well. I like this feeling. This feeling of hope for the future that's fluttering around my chest. It's beautiful. There are a lot of beautiful things about Luke. 

"God, I'm so glad I passed biology. I think it would have been funny if I didn't though - right? Because, I mean - all of the shit that my father did with his business, I did that. I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but the most recent breakthrough that tripled his net worth was my doing," Luke explains casually and I just freeze a little because - huh? 

"What do you mean? Did your Dad just take your work and claim it as his own?" I ask Luke and he just nods simply. I don't even know what it is that Luke's Dad did, but to hear that it was Luke who did something so life changing for people makes everything seem almost surreal. Like we're living in some alternate reality. 

"Yeah, I guess I just think outside of the box. I don't have similar thought processes to everyone else who works for my father and they were trying to figure something out, so I got nosy and had a look at it all. I guess it just came to me as I looked at their research and it looked so simple to me so I just told him about it. I wrote it all down and gave it to him so he could claim it as his own. But it's fine, because people will benefit from it either way and I'm just glad I could help people," Luke explains and I'm so in awe of him. 

"What even was it? Like - how out of the box can your thinking be to earn a further sixty billion dollars practically overnight?" I ask him and he just shrugs a little before elaborating on what it was that he discovered. 

"Well they were looking at something to do with keratinocytes, somatic body cells, right? So they had most of it there, they were close to figuring it all out, they just couldn't really put it all together right. Keratinocytes protect against UV radiation and through mitosis, those cells divide and create more cells and whatnot, but this leads to cell death by cornofocation. Regardless, that's the simplified version of an already known scientific fact. So I brought it up, I questioned it, I offered a probable solution to work around their issue that had arisen, also offering up what I thought would work better for what they were already working on and it worked. So that's good," Luke explains and I'm so lost but I listen anyway. It still doesn't make much sense. 
"You look lost. Basically, I suggested using keratinocyte-like cells, to create an antibiotic that's as good, if not better than the actual cells themselves. Creating keratinocyte cells that don't break down and die, creates something stronger and more effective which can be taken orally as pain relief, altered slightly to fight off viruses, or can be turned into a sterile liquid, used to protect against bacteria and infections. It can also be used as a pesticide, but it wasn't advertised like that for obvious reasons," Luke explains and although it still doesn't make sense, it's somewhat understandable. 

"And how did you even think of that? That's insane," I ask him and he just blushes a little at that, actually blushing and he's so cute. 

"I don't know if you know this about me or not, Michael, but I process things and view things very differently to yourself and others. I think very illogically to find logical ways of thinking, right? So I looked at it all and thought, this is what they did that hadn't worked, so what else won't work so I can figure out what will? I like to call it backwards thinking, but I think it's easier to eliminate incorrect possibilities to reach your target, rather than just blindly aiming for what you want and hoping it lands," Luke explains and of course it has to be so difficult. 

"So how on earth does that make you sixty billion dollars?" I ask him and he just shakes his head before explaining further. Really I'm just glad he's opening up whilst sober. 

"I did that a while back. The newest thing that really set everything off was bigger, but I can't discuss it now so much. Just that there were opportunities for me to visit the labs my father owns and they were working on something very big. I saw solutions to their problems, I saw easier ways for them to reach that outcome and so they claimed the patent for the discovery and they worked hard on testing and manufacturing. Now it's out there in the world helping people," Luke explains and he looks proud of himself. Happy that his discoveries are helping people. 

"But don't scientists discover new things daily and get like - no money for it? How does something like that get you that much money? I'm just kind of lost on it all," I ask Luke and he's not giving me the full story. 

"My father paid me to practically do his work for him. I would personally say that the whole Hemmings business is half him and half me, because he was far more intelligent than I am, I just happened to be better at some things. Regardless, investing in other businesses, purchasing twenty percent stakes or thirty or even ten in some has really been what's propelling the wealth. Medicine is still where the whole business focuses everything however, so creating more effective products or even making new ones is what we do best," Luke explains and this kid has been worked to the bone. I don't know how he's had time for everything in his life. 

"So what medicines did you help make? Because I think that's pretty fucking awesome Luke. You're helping people globally," I say to him and he just smiles at that thought before listing a few off for me. 

"There's a few smaller ones, like ones that help blood flow in elderly who have poor blood health. I helped with an anticonvulsant medication for people suffering from epileptic seizures. One of my favorites though was creating a medication that limits or eliminates hand tremors in older patients or people that were diagnosed with Parkinsons. That one just felt so fulfilling when it finally worked. They're all being released now, which is the only thing that I hate about the med world. Clinical trialing takes years, but it's worth it when it then becomes fully funded by drug companies so that people can get the care they need. Some of them have taken three years, one that I was working on in January will take closer to ten. It sucks because I know that what I've helped create can help people suffering now, but the world won't let me just give it to them. They have to wait," Luke explains and I just look at him in awe because despite what I've always thought about Luke, he's actually some kind of true angel. He really does help people. 

"You should get the direct praise for it all. You deserve for the world to know it was you and not your father who created all of these brilliant and life changing things," I say to him and panic crosses his features briefly. It's just for a second, but I caught it and I don't get the big deal. 

"I can't. It's illegal for me to have done anything there, let alone create a product for human consumption as a medication seeing as I am both a minor and not qualified in the field. That's like being told someone who's not received their driver's license is going to be your taxi driver. Sure they might know how to drive, but you wouldn't feel safe, nor would it be legal," Luke explains and god I hate technicalities. It's unfair, people just view him as this privileged rich kid who gets a free pass in life, but he was the creator of the things that made his family so rich. It's a shame that people can't know. 

"Who else knows? Does your mother know?" I ask him and he just nods. It's a small, not so joyful nod that definitely has a story behind it all. 

"That's the only reason my mother doesn't want me to fall apart. She's said it to you so many times, that she doesn't want me to fall apart like Ben and Jack, that I'm this family's last chance. Well it's all because she knows that I'm all that's keeping this company going. I'm the one who discovered all of the shit that's given us this lifestyle. If I'm not around well then she knows that this will be all it is. No more gain," Luke explains and surely his mother isn't like that. 

"Isn't she an angel, Lu? You love her, you're so close to her-" I start but Luke has to cut me off, keeping his voice calm as he does so. 

"I do love her, yes. But she's far from angelic. She's selfish, that's why she married my father. She married into wealth because she craved everything about this kind of life. She presents herself far differently than she is and that's why we have different views on her. You think she's phenomenal, a rock for me in all of this, but she's just as awful as everyone else. She wants me to keep doing what I've always done, just so she can have more money in her back pocket. That's why she sat there and let everything happen downstairs. She wants more money, those guys promise ways of obtaining it. Apparently the Belgian Royal Family is one of those things," Luke explains and honestly everyone in his family is as bad as each other at this point. Luke isn't exactly a Saint at all either, but he's nowhere near as awful as some of the other Hemmings. 

"Do you want to get away from here? Do you want to move to another country with me and run away from this life?" I ask him and he has to think about it for a while. This hell is all he's ever known. Despite it being awful, he's still attached to this lifestyle. He ends up nodding however, surprising me. 

"I'd do anything to leave this life. I want to move to London or Moscow or back to Sydney. Just somewhere that all of this isn't. I just want to be wherever you are. I don't need anything else in life, just you," Luke says to me and I wasn't expecting that at all. I was expecting him to think about himself, what he wants, but to know that it's me that he wants. It warms my soul. 

"Ditto Hemmings. I've been thinking about it, I think when we get married we should go with Hemmings as the last name. Luke and Michael Hemmings?" I say to him and he just thinks about that one, spending as much time thinking about this as he did with where he wants to be when he's older. 

"I like Louka Clifford. Luke Clifford doesn't fit, but Louka Clifford does. Michael Hemmings works too. Even Michael Herlaimont," Luke points out but I can't even properly pronounce his real last name. Now I don't know what suits best. We don't need to figure it out right now, but then again, we can get married whenever the hell we want. Nothing is stopping us from getting married, so maybe we should worry. Although I feel as though Luke would spend days upon days, planning everything to be as close to perfect as possible. He would make sure every detail was beyond flawless. 

"I like all of them, I just don't know how to pronounce your French name at all," I say to him and he just scoffs a little, happily just smiling as he goes to explain it all and break it down for me as if I'd remember. It's not that I'm trying to forget it, I do care - I'm just bad at names, let alone difficult ones. He laughs as he speaks and teases me and I love seeing pure joy on his face. 

"It is not difficult! Louka Jean-Robert Marceau François Névenoé Herlaimont. You can say Louka, you can say Jean and Robert. I promise you it is very easy," Luke explains through laughs and I just raise an eyebrow at him because I'm not all too sure. He calls me ridiculous and I just love seeing his icy blue eyes so entirely full of the pure joy of living in this moment, here and now. 

"And here I was, thinking that Calum's sisters name, Mali-Koa was somewhat difficult to remember. I'm so bad with names and remembering anything, it's going to take me weeks to remember your full name," I explain to Luke and he just shakes his head in disbelief as he smiles so brightly. 

"I am awful with names too. I am awful at so many things, honestly. To list a few; Catching anything, I just have no hand-eye coordination whatsoever. My navigational skills are non-existent. I could not tell you what street this house is on, nor could I tell you how to get from here to the Eiffel Tower. I also just cannot whistle, but you know that. I'm telling you Michael, I am awful," Luke explains and I'm just baffled. How can he create new antibiotics and medications, but not whistle or catch a ball thrown at him? 
"Michael, does it scare you to think about how we are going to age? I just want to know what I will look like at twenty four. How much will you and I change?" Luke asks suddenly, changing the subject and I wasn't expecting that. 

"I suppose it scares me, but then again we can't change anything like that, so I'm not going to over think it. Why? Does it scare you?" I ask him and he shakes his head before elaborating. 

"No, it is just a lot to think about. I want to grow my hair out a bit, maybe bleach it a bit more? I just want to find myself, you know? I feel like Louka and Luke are very different personas and I just really want to find myself in among all of that," He explains to me, holding my hands in his as he traces lines on my skin whilst talking. I like this closeness, but his words bring something strangely off topic to mind. 

"Luke? Why don't you use nicknames when referring to me or Cal or Ash? You always use my full name but you can call me Mike or Mikey instead if you want," I ask him and he just scrunches up his nose a little when I mention my commonly used nicknames. 

"I very much enjoy speaking your name though Michael. I am not the biggest fan of nicknames, but if you would rather me call you something different-" Luke begins but I have to cut him off, shaking my head because there's something about the lack of nickname use that I like in Luke's vocabulary. I also like his tendencies to avoid conjunctions on certain days and adding far too many words to a sentence, just to make it fuller. He's odd, but I'm in love. 

"No, you're the only person who really calls me Michael. I like it, it's just only really hit me now that you don't refer to me as anything else. What would you rather me call you?" I decide to ask because I use many different names when I refer to the blonde boy. He's always had something against the name Lu , but he seems to be tolerating it more and more nowadays. It doesn't make him panic and sob how it used to, so that must be a win. 

"I like Luke the most, but Louka is fine I guess. I am also learning to appreciate Lu a bit more. You can call me anything because I just like the fact that you tolerate me and talk to me at all," Luke explains to me and I just frown at him because, what? 

"Of course I tolerate you and talk to you baby. Why wouldn't I? I love you," I say to him and he just shrugs at that. He's getting in his own head again, he's allowing his brain to call him insufferable time and time again. I don't know how someone so beautifully perfect could think so terribly about themselves. 

"I don't know. I hate that everyone hates me, but I know that I have done stupid and terrible things that made people feel a certain way regarding me, but I don't want to be universally hated. Everyone at school hated me because I was quite frankly an asshole, but I don't want to be hated by all of them. You got to know me, and I put you through so much shit when all you were trying to do was be my friend. Basically I just regret a lot of high-school," Luke explains and I just want to tell him that no one hates him, but that's simply not true. People do unfortunately despise of him. 

"Well, we can work on it, yeah? You've been quite open and caring since we've been here, so I think you're already growing as a person. People can change and the people who dislike you now will grow to like you if you're good to them, yeah? No one hates Ashton, maybe try to be more like him. Essentially be a suck up and you'll get treated like one," I say to him and he scrunches his nose up at that thought. 

"I'm a quiet person Michael, like really quiet if people aren't frustrating me. I don't like talking to people at all and this past year has been so difficult. I'm not complaining, I'm just sick of speaking so much recently," Luke explains as he crosses his arms in front of him, not in a threatening manner, but to make himself smaller and to hide. I know Luke's quiet, I remember that from before his brother passed, in those first few high-school years, I don't think I saw Luke talk once to anyone but me. We were acquaintances for a long time before everything went downhill. I'm glad to see we made up in the best way possible. 

"I'm well aware that you're quiet Lu. I'm glad you've come out of your shell though, yeah? I'm proud of you for so many things," I say to him and he just pouts a little, very clearly not liking what I said, but he pushes it all away nonetheless to move on. 

"Moving on, I'm going for a smoke. Do you want to walk with me?" Luke asks and he changes his mind so often about where he wants to be, what he wants to be doing and I suppose he's very spontaneous. His lifestyle allows that though, it's flexible with a lot of unpredictability being what fuels him. 

"I'll come with you, just don't give me lung cancer or anything with that shit," I say to him and he just tells me that he can't make any promises. He drags me by the hand down the stairs to his room where he can both change out of the clothes he's worn since yesterday, and so he can grab the packet of cigarettes he was given by his driver when we first arrived. He also grabs the zippo lighter he had on him in his luggage. He's very attached to said lighter. 

Luke and I get changed into some of his warmer clothes, seeing as we're going to be going outside. Luke wears a maroon t-shirt with long, black pants that have wave-like designs on them the same color as his shirt. I don't know where he buys his clothes from, but I absolutely love them and love how he takes pride in what he wears. He's matched the whole look with a beige-brown trench coat that looks nice and cozy, along with being model worthy stylish. 

He grabs out clothes for me too, long black pants, a plain black shirt and black trench coat. Clearly he's sorted out my aesthetic for me whilst also aiming to keep me warm, seeing as it's snowing outdoors once more. Luke says that it's odd to have snow at this time of year, that Paris only gets about fifteen snow days a year, but he's happy and honestly so am I. 

"Here, put this on," Luke says, doing it for me and pulling a beanie onto my head, positioning it to his level of perfect and I bet I look honestly ridiculous. He says that I look nice, and I feel so warm that I don't really care what I look like anyway. Luke and I put on our shoes, and at that we're good to go outside into the snow. 

He holds my hand as we exit Luke's house into the back area of his houses section and it's beautiful. I haven't been out here yet, but the dogs are out here, so they get rather excited and obviously think that we're out here to play. Two of dogs blend in with the snow a little as they jump around, up onto Luke and the blonde boy is just laughing as he speaks in French to the dogs that wouldn't understand regardless of what language he speaks.

Luke just decides that trying to ignore the dogs is the best thing to do, so he just grabs a hold of my hand and starts to walk, keeping to the gravel track that leads away from his house and down a hill. The section is beautiful in the light snow, hedges stretching on for what looks like forever in a very stereotypically rich way, lavender plants growing in the flower beds that are surrounded by those picture perfect hedges. The three dogs follow us, completely unaffected by the cold and I just think they're wonderful animals. 

Luke only disconnects our hands when he grabs out a cigarette and his lighter, holding the cigarette with his mouth as he lights it, using his free hand to guard the flame and I hate that Luke smokes, but he makes it look rather beautiful. Luke manages to make a lot of terrible things look beautiful. Eventually the end lights and he's able to hold my hand once more, putting the zippo in his pocket and taking a drag of the toxic habit. 

"It feels weird without Ashton and Calum here, right?" Luke breaks the silence and I didn't think he'd ever feel that way about them, but it surprises me into a pit of deep thought. It does feel weird without them, it's not quite perfect because of how far away they are, so I suppose that Luke's right. But France is where Luke needs to be, so it's where I want to be. 

"I suppose so, but I want to be wherever you are and you belong here. I love you so much Louka," I say to him, stopping him here and pressing a kiss to his lips, tasting the smoke that he's been inhaling for the past few minutes. Two of he dogs soon lost interest in our little walk, now only one of the Samoyed's are following us, but I'm unable to tell the two white dogs apart for the life of me. 

"I love you too," Luke says, mumbling against my lips, but he sounds upset. He doesn't sound like himself, he sounds distant and that's not a great thing. I pull away from him and his eyes are completely glazed and very emotionless. I've never heard someone say I love you , with that kind of emotion in their voice. It's odd. It's unsettling. 

"Are you alright?" I ask him, staying calm, quiet, holding his face in my hands, yet playing with his hair a little bit and he doesn't react much at all to any of this. He just looks at me, his eyes searching my own for a second as he processes everything. I give him time, I give him a reassurance that he's okay, and he eventually gives me an answer. 

"I'm alright," It's the same monotonous expression. He's nonchalant. He's a bit hazy and honestly I don't know what's up with him these days. Things have gotten weird since we've been in France. Luke's been acting stranger that normal, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do to help him. Maybe we have to go back to Australia. Maybe Sydney is a better place for him to be. It's looking that way recently. 

"You sure lovely? Hey, I think you should take it easy," I say to him when I notice how he suddenly becomes a little unsteady, closing his eyes tightly to dull that dizziness he's obviously feeling right now. I haven't seen him eat for quite a while. Nor have I seen him get proper adequate rest after what happened last night. His body is barely coping with everything and he's pushing himself to his absolute limits. He has to give himself a break. 

"Michael," Luke manages and he sounds so far gone. I go to reply, I go to say something, but I get what he was trying to say when his body goes limp right here and now, unglamorously crumpling to the snow layered ground, not moving. I didn't catch him this time. I wasn't able to react quickly enough and I think my heart skips a beat because of all of this. 

The white dog seems to act quicker than I do, very swiftly guarding Luke and not allowing me near him although all I want to do is help. The dog snarls and barks, standing it's ground between myself and Luke, making me back backward despite my absolute desire to help my fiancé right now. He's not alright and his dog is being far too over protective. I don't know what the fuck to do. 

"I'm trying to help Lu. Please Prince, let me help him," Now I'm the lunatic talking to the dog and I'm just praying that this one is the one Luke told me to call Prince. The dog barks at me even more aggressively this time, but suddenly turns to Luke and starts to whimper, nudging the blonde boy slightly who still hasn't woken up. The white dog is licking Luke's face, whimpering and whining when they get no reaction and I slowly step closer, making sure the dog can see my every move. 

And the dog doesn't get aggressive with me. It whines and looks into my eyes, like it's asking for help and so when I touch Luke and the dog doesn't try to attack me, I just scoop the blonde up and aim to make my way back up to his house. The snow and uphill terrain make it difficult whilst carrying a six foot four Luke, but I manage, only slipping slightly twice, but I manage to stay upright, getting Luke inside. 

"Help! Can somebody please help?" I find myself yelling when I get inside, Luke dripping wet from laying on the snow for so long and I don't know how to help. He's breathing steadily and he has a pulse, but he's not awake at all and I'm beyond worried. Someone eventually comes to us in all of this chaos, but of course they don't speak English. They're panicked, worried and speaking very flusteredly, yet I don't know what they're trying to say. 

Luke's eyes flutter open at all of this and he's still scooped up in my arms. He doesn't react well to being carried clearly, because despite only being half awake, he thrashes a little, so I have to place him carefully on the floor, easing his panic and easing my own as he's finally somewhat alert. He's half here, but more so than before and I'm just glad he's fucking alive. I can't help but feel like I've thought that multiple times since coming to France with him. 

"You're okay baby. Breathe. You passed out outside, I just brought you in, you're alright. I'm here," I say to him when he starts to sob lightly and I don't know why crying is always his way to deal with things, but it's breaking me. He's just a kid, and moments like these remind me of that. He's young at heart, really he is and he's been pushed into being someone he's not. He's breaking and he's just so vulnerable and lost under his tough guy facade. 

"Don't touch me - fuck off - Laisse-moi tranquille, putain! J'ai peur - laisse-moi tranquille! " Luke yells at myself and the butler through streaming tears and I move away from him, trying to be here for him despite his clear desire for me to not be here with him. He doesn't want me here. He doesn't want anyone here and he's not afraid to sob and or get aggressive if needs be. He's scared and he feels vulnerable, but he's trying to stay strong. His whole being is telling him to push everyone away. I don't want Luke to be alone. 

"Breathe baby. I won't touch you, no one will touch you, we're trying to help you. You were completely out cold for a few minutes, everyone just needs to know that you're alright because we love you much," I say to him, trying to reassure him of these facts, and he just tries to take a few breaths, trying to calm down and he's still so out of it, still so weak and lifeless that when he gets upset with me staying, he can't exactly do much. He just lays there in a ball, sobbing as he hugs his knees to his chest, laying on his side. I just want to comfort him but he won't let me. 

"I'm okay," He tries to reassure me through hiccuped breaths of sobs and I wouldn't say that this is exactly what I would class as okay. He's having one of the most confusing and terrifying panic attacks I've ever seen him have and he's most certainly not okay. Nothing about today has been okay. Nothing has been okay sinse we got here. Luke's been at the end of his sanity and he's finally absolutely losing it. He needs his meds. 

"You aren't baby. Calm yourself a little, you're working yourself up and hurting yourself. I really need you to breathe and calm down. Please Luke, I love you," I feel like I have to reassure him and he just tries his goddamn best. He takes a few slower breaths, holding back his sobs as he lays here trembling. Eventually he's calmed down a little, but he's still not in a phenomenal state. 

"I'm sorry - can I please take my meds? Please? I need them - I need to - I have to take them now because I don't want to feel like this anymore," Luke asks me in a panic and I'm not going to deny him of that. I leave him here, with the butler who seems to understand that they need to watch over Luke and I practically sprint to his room to retrieve his meds. 

I sprint all the way back to him too and I hate that he's panicking when I get back. He's shuddering with struggled breaths, mumbling and sobbing as he hardly takes in any air and the butler is trying - really they are - but Luke is so far gone. I've never seen him this terrified before. This is the worst panic attack I've ever seen anyone go through. 

"Hey beautiful, breathe. I love you, you're okay, you can do this. This is only a temporary feeling, we can lay down together with the dogs and cuddle and you will be okay. You can take your meds and you'll be alright," I stay calm as I speak because I know that my mood will greatly affect Luke right now. I stay calm, I speak quietly and slowly, holding his hand when he allows that contact and he's so far gone. 

We stay here for a long time, Luke sobbing on the floor as I keep speaking calmly, running my thumb up and down the back of his hand as he tries to cling to a sense of calm that he can rely on. He doesn't want to panic, that's very clear, but he's not doing a great job at coming out of it all. He sobs until he's exhausted, until he can no longer physically sob anymore and he's just left breathing quickly, trying to calm himself as his mind drags him through hell. Florin is here, he told the other butler to leave and I'm honestly glad he's here. He's helped Luke through similar things before and he'll do it again and again if he needs to. 

"Louka, nous pouvons aller en ville si tu te calmes. Tu comptes beaucoup pour moi, tu comptes beaucoup pour Michael et je sais que ton cerveau te dit qu'on te ment, mais tu dois nous écouter," He also speaks with a similar tone, his voice calm as he talks to Luke and the blonde is half awake on the floor, trembling and breathing quickly as he struggles to stay awake. He's fucking exhausted and I don't blame him at all. 

"I'm sorry," Luke speaks quietly, his voice shot as he apologizes to me and to Florin. He doesn't need to apologize, but he just lays here, placing his hand on my own as he allows this contact, welcoming it and needing it right now. He un curls himself, just laying on his side, breathing shakily as his heart still absolutely races. I'm keeping an eye on his pulse, my middle and index finger on his wrist just above the plaster that covers where he cut himself earlier. 

"Don't apologize, it's alright to panic. I think Florin wants to check your vitals and whatnot, yeah? You were absolutely out cold for a few minutes and we just want to know that you're alright. Here, take these yeah love?" I explain to him and he just nods a little, sitting up when we ask him to after he's calmed down a hell of a lot more so that he can take his meds. I sit beside him so that he can rest against me and Florin just checks up on Luke, checking his temperature, his heart rate, his eyes reactivity to light, should he have hit his head when he passed out, but all signs point to healthy, just panicked. 

Florin explains that Luke should eat a full meal and have something to drink. I haven't seen Luke eat since at least breakfast yesterday, so his little fainting episode has some kind of reason behind it. I help him up slowly, wrapping him in a hug that he accepts and at that it's off to the dining room where Luke and I sit beside one another, waiting for something to eat. 

"I'm sorry, I'm not okay. I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm so scared," Luke mumbles out, his voice raspy and quiet and I don't know what to say to assure him that he shouldn't be scared. He's going to be okay, I know he will be, he just needs a little bit more support than other people and that's okay. I'm here to get him that support, to provide him all of the help he needs to fight through this. He's in a terrible mental place, but I'm going to try my hardest to pull him out of it. I love him so much. 

"It's okay Lu, you're going to be okay. Getting you back on track with your meds and making sure you eat at meal times will help. It's going to be okay," I just find myself reassuring him and he just nods a little, resting his head on my shoulder because he's just so exhausted. He's getting more and more worn out every single day, he's just so beyond exhausted that he's tearing himself apart and he needs some rest. He can't be getting high and getting drunk every night because he's not getting rest. One day it's all absolutely going to catch up with him and he'll have to deal with the consequences if he doesn't eradicate this issue now. 

"Lunch will be ten minutes away, I apologize sincerely for the wait," The young female butler enters the room and she really shouldn't apologize. Luke voices that fact, just thanking her and telling her not to apologize anymore. She always seems flustered in Lukes and my own presence, and now is no exception. She just apologizes - then apologizes for apologizing and she needs to chill. She's fine. 

"Michael? I want to quit smoking and doing coke. Like - I really do want to stop relying on all of that but it has just become such a terrible habit that is ruining me," Luke says to me and I've been waiting for this. I'll try to help him through all of this obviously, but it's not going to be easy. I know that this is going to be difficult, but he really does want to quit. I can see the passion in his eyes for that fact. 
"I also want to write more music that I want to create. I want to create music with you endlessly, I love you Michael," Luke says and that's the tone I want to hear in his voice as he says that. He's happy, he's hopeful and it's what I love to hear. 

"Well do we have any plans for tonight? Maybe we could record something? Mess around again up there?" I ask him and he thinks about it for a while. 

"Florin said we might go out tonight. There is a restaurant that I have wanted to take you to ever since we had dinner together at that diner in Sydney lifetimes ago. Also today we are supposed to go somewhere really exciting. It is my absolute favorite historical sight of France. I hope you enjoy it," Luke explains to me, excitement in his eyes and I don't know how he stays so hushed about plans that are clearly in place for what we're going to do. I don't mind at all. I'm excited too. 

"I'm sure I'll enjoy it lovely. Will you give me any hits? Or is it a pure surprise?" I ask him and he just thinks about what hints he could give as a hint without giving it away entirely. He just shakes his head, telling me it will be a pure secret and he just smiles, telling me once again that he loves me. He's cheeky, he's so giddy with love for me recently and I don't know what's up with him, but I'm not opposed to it all. 

We sit out here, chatting for a while until lunch is brought to us and it's so odd to me that Luke grew up with this luxury. He grew up with people constantly cooking his family luxury meals that he probably only half ate. It looks beautiful, honestly and I'm just thankful to eat. A plate each is presented to us, identical meals and this looks fancier than anything I've ever really eaten before. 

"Salmon en papillote, avec de la courgette, citrondes, carottes et du riz. Il y a du piment, donc cela peut être épicé," The young girl talks to Luke, explaining something that I cannot understand any of. Luke just nods, thanking her again - Merci being one of the only French words I can recognize. She leaves us be at that and Luke explains to me what it was that she said. 

"So it is salmon, courgette or zucchini - whatever you want to call it - lemon, carrot, rice and she said it may be spicy, but you can navigate around the pieces of chilli if you want to. The en papillote technique was first done by a French chef in New Orleans, so that's why it is called what it is," Luke explains and I just nod along, just so excited to eat this. Luke watches me for a second before saying that I'm allowed to eat and I was kind of waiting for his cue, so I absolutely dig in. 

It's heavenly, honestly it is and Luke just watches me eat for a while before he picks at the food himself. Of course I eat every last bit of the food on the plate before Luke has really eaten anything at all, but I just chat with him when I've finished as he keeps picking at it with his fork, eating small amounts in an attempt to feel like he isn't eating much. He finishes his glass of water that he asked for, but he's barely made a dent in his food when he tells me that he doesn't want to eat anymore. 

"Can you finish just the carrot and courgette for me baby? You don't need to finish the salmon, just the veggies," I say to him and he just huffs, picking up a thin piece of the carrot with his fork, eating it before he just starts to tear up. I don't want him to cry, he shouldn't be crying. I feel terrible, awful even that I've made him upset, but I don't know what's wrong exactly. 

"I'm not hungry, I don't want to eat anymore - please I don't want to," Luke speaks, holding back tears and I know he feels like he's not hungry, or even feels like he has to push back the feeling of hunger, but he really has to eat more than he's had. He's killing himself. His previously ocean blue eyes are now more like grey, lifeless puddles. His skin is paler, he's gaunt, he looks tired. He looks so tired. 

"Hey, you're alright. We can start small, this is good, yeah? Don't cry, please don't cry love," I say to him, wiping the tears from his cheeks with my thumbs as I speak because I want him to be okay. I don't want to see him cry anymore. 

"I'm sorry - I'm trying, I just feel so alone. I'm so scared," Luke speaks quietly, holding back tears and I hate how broken he's become. This past week, reality has been clouded by Luke's lifestyle, money, fame, promises of a beautiful future. I haven't been helping Luke. He's been going through hell, he hasn't been eating much at all, he hasn't stopped cutting, he hasn't stopped smoking or getting drunk and I've just let it slide stupidly because I've been so in awe of this aspect of Luke's world. I've been too blinded by his love, and I should have paid more attention. 

"You're not alone baby. You're so not alone. Why're you scared?" I have to ask him because I don't know what he's scared of, but I want to know what it is because I care beyond words. He's lost and he's scared and I want to help him through this but I need to understand. 

"I don't control my thoughts anymore. My thoughts aren't mine anymore and they want me to be something I'm not," Luke explains and he sounds terrified. He sounds so scared that it's heartbreaking. He needs support from myself, from Jamie but he's so far away from the people who really want to help him. Paris, is just full of people who want to be him. It's just people who are in awe of him, that want to be friends with him. But Sydney is where he has people that really care about him. Myself, Jamie, Calum, Ashton - his brother. Fay, Scott. So many people care about him and want to support him through this hell. Paris isn't the best place for him to be mentally. 

"What do they want you to be?" I just want Luke to talk. I want to hear him open up whilst completely sober. I want him to talk to me while he's not influenced by chemicals that leave him all cloudy and hardly there. He needs to listen to himself, I need to listen to him and we can work through this together . 

"To hurt myself and not eat because nobody will love me. I don't want to do that anymore. I just can't control my compulsions any more," Luke says to me and I hate that I ever let him slip into something like this. I haven't been a great boyfriend, I've been allowing him so do stupid shit for too long, I've allowed him to treat himself terribly. I should have not tolerated his Cocaine addiction. I never should have encouraged it. 

"I will always love you Luke. I will help you get through this, I will help you. Just tell me what you want to do, and we'll do it. Where do you want to be?" I ask him, hoping he'll open up to me while he's letting his guard down and tell me what he really wants from life. And he does just that. 

"I want to split my money between Jack and myself and I want to live in Sydney with you. I don't want to be photographed, I want people to stop talking about me, I want to be home and I'm home when I'm with you and your family. My family isn't home. This house isn't home," Luke explains and I won't stop until Luke can get exactly that. 

"Then we will do that, I promise you. We'll go back to Sydney after Christmas okay? Can you hold on until then? We'll get home before the new year. That gives us about a week, yeah?" I ask him and he just nods, pushing his plate away from him and I know he's really done with the food now. I ask him something potentially damaging.
"What about eating do you not like? What about it scares you enough to ignore a human fundamental?" I ask him and he just crosses his arms in front of himself, slouching in his seat, blinking away his tears once more. 

"I don't know - it started off with eating healthier because I had self image issues and I wanted to be thinner and fitter so people would like me more. Then I think I started uhm - I used to purge meals which is disgusting and I couldn't maintain that. I found it easier to skip meals, keep eating healthily when I did eat, but now it's all spiraled out of control," Luke explains and I just want to hold him close, tell him that it's going to be okay. I wish I could have gone back in time and met Luke in an alternate timeline before this got bad, just so that I could have helped him before it got awful. 

"And you don't purge anymore?" I ask him and he just sinks into his seat a little more. He just shrugs and that answers that. He's been lying, both to myself and to Jamie and it hurts a little but I know it's something he's ashamed of. It's something he's not just going around and sharing. It's not something people really talk about openly. But I want Luke to be more open with me. 

"Sometimes. Well - fuck - like - recently when I've eaten too much I will because I don't want you to hate me for putting on more weight. I'm already big and eating more will make me bigger and people will start hating me more because of that. I'm already so big, you won't love me any more," Luke explains his view on the whole matter and it's so twisted. His views of himself are so twisted and terrible, I hate that anyone's words ever were the catalyst of all of this. God I want to kill them. 

"You're tiny Lu. I will never fall out of love with you, I just want you to be healthy, and right now you're so underweight that you aren't healthy. You're hurting yourself," I say to him and he just nods because deep down he knows he's hurting himself. He knows he's not treating himself fairly.

Chapter Text

"Michael, can I talk to you about something serious that I've been thinking too much about? I just need your thoughts and input on it all," Luke asks me and of course I'll always be here to listen and offer advice and input so I just nod, reiterating everything verbally too. He takes a deep breath before speaking. 

"I've been thinking relentlessly about how I self identify. Sexuality and gender has always been something I've been unable to understand in myself and I've been thinking about it all a lot. People in the world are becoming far more accepting of different pronouns and sexualities and so on and I've just been thinking a lot about what it is that I identify most with. I just want to know what you think about different things in that area?" Luke explains and oh . Okay. 

"Well, I think that as a gay male, it is amazing how much the world is changing to accommodate everyone of all genders and sexualities. It's about time. How are you feeling about that? Have you discovered anything about yourself that you want to talk to me about regarding all of this? I'm here to listen," I say to him and he just nods, alluring to the fact that he has something to talk about. I don't know why it makes my heart pound. I don't know why I feel like he may say he's straight - that he wants to break up with me - but it seems very much the opposite when he explains everything to me. 

"My gender identity has always felt so fluid and confusing to me. Growing up, when I was younger I always wished I were a female, but I suppose I grew out of that thought - especially due to my father's views on everything. But I still like wearing skirts, I still like being feminine on occasion and I still like being masculine on occasion. I've been thinking a lot and I wanted to ask you about what you would think about me, maybe exploring my gender identity a bit more. Is that alright?" Luke explains before asking and Luke shouldn't be asking me about that. If Luke has certain views about himself then my views shouldn't dictate that if I had said no. I'm not going to say no. I love Luke so much, no matter what gender identity Luke connects with.

"Of course it's alright Lu. It's not up to me either, if you want to explore your identity, then I respect that entirely," I say and Luke looks completely relieved before he re-clarifies. 

"Basically I just want to wear more out there clothes, be less stereotypically male and be more me. I’m sick of caring so much about what people think regarding my sexuality and my clothing and how I feel regarding myself. I just want to be more Luke and less everyone else's worry,” Luke explains and he just looks so happy talking about this. So bright and joyous.

"I love you so much Luke. You're shining, you look so happy," I say to him and he just smiles, telling me that he's happy that I'm accepting of his identity and his thoughts regarding himself. Of course I am. Whoever isn't can go fuck themselves. I hate the human race. 

"I like the fluidity of it all. Like - I can be me? I'm not restricted with what I can and can't be. I can be Luke Hemmings or Louka Herlaimont and I can be your boyfriend and when we get married I can be your husband and everyone else can go and fuck themselves. It feels freeing, like I can be truly me. Not dressing generically like a man, nor a woman, but just a person. Just me," Luke explains and it makes so much sense. He’s shining whilst smiling like this and explaining what it is that he feels. God I love everything about Luke. 

He really is beautiful. There's something about Luke when he’s smiling, when his eyes light up when he’s happy. Beautiful. He's beautiful. And if it helps them recover, then that's all I can really wish for. 

Luke grabs out his phone, tapping onto Instagram to post something. He's clearly not hiding this fact, he's sharing another photo with the world with another photo of myself and him from days ago back in Sydney, eyeshadow on, hair curly and beautiful, bright orange shirt on. The picture is one of my favorite of us and Luke captions it beautifully as ever. He types very quickly. 

'I have been thinking a lot about what everyone has been thinking of me recently. I’ve realized that I really don’t give a fuck. I wear whatever I want because I like feeling free in my own skin and in my own style. I like expressing myself in eye-catching ways. I love it more than words. Also Michael is smiling at me as I write this. I love him so much.'

"Proud of you love. Let's see how long until a news article pops up about you," I say and Luke just scoffs, punching my arm lightly but smiling and that's all I want to see on the blonde. A smile, a genuine smile on his face as he discovers who he is. Luke is opening my eyes to a lot of things and I honestly love him for it. All I want is for Luke to be comfortable in his own skin above everything else. 

"This is just me testing out a theory by the way. I might end up hating it in a week and I'll ask you to forget this ever happened, but for now I just want to try it out and I really hope that's okay with you," Luke asks, trying to run this by me as if my opinion should change something. It shouldn't change anything, it doesn't change anything. If Luke knows deep down in his heart that this is what he feels, then my opinions or anyone else's for that matter shouldn't change a thing.

"Whatever you want baby. Just talk to me, okay? I want you to be open with me so that I can make you feel as comfortable as possible in our relationship and in your own self, yeah?" I ask Luke and he just nods. He trusts me, he’s opening up and I’m beyond glad.

"Yeah, well right now I don't want to be a guy. I've always hated words like dude and bro and whatnot. I think Calum called me dude back in Sydney and I physically recoiled. I hate it so much and I've never understood why, but now I think I understand. I just want to be a person, no specific gender attached. Does it make sense or do I sound crazy?" Luke asks me and it makes a lot of sense. 

"No it makes so much sense love. Are there any other slang terms like that that you don't want me to use?" I ask and Luke thinks about it all long and hard. 

"Well I don't like the two I just said. I also don't really like the term boyfriend - maybe that's another reason I proposed so quickly. So I can be your fiancé. I like when you call me love and angel and baby and princess and just everything you call me," Luke explains and I'm glad he  likes the nicknames I give him. It's reassuring to know that I haven't made him uncomfortable. 

We sit here for a while before Luke unlocks his phone to a message from his brother. It's another news article, this one making Luke smile. It's nice to see him smile so often and he shows me the article, reading along with it with me. 

'Louka Herlaimont - this generation's LGBTQ+ icon? 

Louka Herlaimont who also goes by the alias Luke Hemmings has recently become somewhat of an icon in the LGBTQ+ world. Although Herlaimont has only become a person of great discussion in the world recently, his impacts on the worlds queer community have been praised online by many. 

Herlaimont, who is known for his androgynous fashion style is being hailed as a queer hero on twitter by young queer individuals who have called his openness inspirational. There had been a lot of desire for more role models in the queer community for a while now and Louka seems to be everything that young people around the globe have been waiting for. 

Herlaimont recently revealed that he is engaged to Michael Clifford, another individual who has made quite the impact on today’s queer community…’

And the article goes on with similar facts to other articles that makes Luke just laugh and smile so brightly. Luke proposes an idea to me. He wants to do something that could both go terribly wrong, or could be a massive success. Luke suggests doing a live on his twitter account just to see what would happen. I didn’t know that Luke has twitter, but I think it’s a great idea honestly, and Luke just tells me that he’s going to get changed into something that’s not damp from snow and he’s going to change up his makeup.

So that’s what Luke goes and does. He comes back some time later, looking beautiful as ever and I don’t know how this will work out, but Luke can see that I’m clearly stressing when I shouldn’t be.

“Don’t overthink it. We can just chat as if it were just us and see where it all goes. It’s going to be fine Michael,” Luke explains, kissing my hair when he’s finished speaking and I suppose I can do that.

He’s beautiful really, wearing all pink once more, like the time when he came to my house after his father absolutely tore everything to pieces. He’s wearing a long sleeved, frilly hot pink shirt that compliments his hair and icy blue eyes. He doesn't seem to be wearing any makeup that I can really notice, and it’s odd to see Luke without any makeup on, but he’s beautiful regardless.

“You look nice princess. Your hair is rather curly today,” I say to him and he just smiles, scrunching his nose a little as he just rolls his eyes and grabs out his phone. Luke asks me how I do this and I have no fucking clue, but I’m sure we can work it out. Luke asks if he can even do it on his phone or if they’ll need a computer with a camera and I hate that it’s probably the latter.

At that Luke grabs my hand and drags me up to the studio room once more. Apparently the computer up there has a camera and internet access, so that’s the plan. Sit up there, figure it all out and pray that all goes well. Luke is actually excited for something technology based for once and I’m somewhat glad that he’s testing this all out.

We manage to get it working which is honestly a miracle and before we know it, we’re live-streaming to the world. We watch as the viewer count goes up and neither of us have even said anything. But we’re both smiling, we’re both happy and Luke is kind of in his element as he’s being worshiped by comments that show up along the bottom of the screen for us to see. Wow - some comments are definitely shooting shots. Luke just laughs.

“I have no idea what I’m doing. Hello I suppose, this is Michael and I. I don’t know what it is that we should chat about, but this is odd. Michael, do you know what we’re supposed to be doing, you’re better at technology than I am,” Luke smiles, looking at me with love in his eyes and I don’t know what to say or do.

“I don’t know Lu, ask them. Someone asked who the fuck we are - ha!” I find myself actually laughing at that one because it proves just how nosy people are in the lives of people in spotlights like this. It shows just how people follow others purely to be in with the crowd and to be in the loop of world’s events. People need to learn to make their own decisions. Don’t just follow others like sheep.

“Mm, well - I’m Luke Hemmings and this is my fiance Michael Clifford. I guess we just wanted to chat on here because we’ve been locked in solely each other’s company for weeks and weeks and this is a good way to reach people and get other human contact without also getting human contact. Neither of us are very much fans of human interaction,” Luke comments on that fact and it just makes me laugh a little.

“Come on, we’re not that bad. God, there’s already comments on our accents,” I point out to Luke one in particular that says ‘where are you two from?? your accents are so odd ’ and Luke just smiles at it, finding great joy in this whole thing. Luke needs to talk to so many more people. I can’t help but feel like he’s only sinking deeper into this terrible head-space because he isn’t connecting with others. I’m restricting Luke to a life of purely our connection and no one else's. It’s awful. That needs to change. Luke thrives on other people's good energy.

“Michael is from Aussie, that’s why his accent is completely fucked. English isn’t my first language, that’s why my accent is fucked too. What is this room? Oh, it’s a studio, it’s where I write and record music. It’s the only room with a computer and camera so that’s why we’re up here,” Luke explains and he’s setting himself up for someone to ask for him to sing. Luke would probably rather die.

“ What have we been up to? Not much honestly. We’re in Paris at the moment and Luke has been showing me around a bit. I’ve never traveled outside of Australia so this has been quite the adventure really. We haven’t really done too much, have we Lu?” I ask the blonde and he just nods along with me.

“Well I’m going to take Michael to my favorite place in Paris later today. We haven’t done all that much since getting here, went out once then we’ve been stuck at home since. Hmm, Michael, what should we talk about?” Luke asks me after a beat of silence and he really doesn’t know how to do this at all. Neither of us do.

“Well let's ask them, hm? What do you want us to talk about?" I ask the virtual audience to our awkward conversation and people very quickly comment with many comments that Luke reads through for a whole before finding something he likes. 

" Do we have any pets? Yes! Three dogs, Maël, Noé and Versailles. I love them very much. They love Michael more than they love me though which is upsetting," Luke pouts and I don't think what he said was entirely true but I can run with that. 

" What is your favorite color Lu? Wait - I can answer this one for him. Luke would argue that not only that his favorite color is salmon, but that it is the best color. But he also likes purple and whatever color my hair is. Am I right?" I ask Luke and clearly remembering useless facts makes the blonde overly happy and he just nods, looking at me in awe before speaking.

“I love you so much. You’re right - yeah. I’m liking green at the moment, I helped Michael color his hair green. Also a while ago he dyed my hair purple. It was very fun,” Luke explains, kissing me right here and now, neither of us caring about the fact that this is live streamed. We’re both very open about our relationship.

“Someone asks if we’re finished with school. You should answer that one,” I say to Luke and he looks at the comment that I point at before talking about exactly that.

“We both finished high school at the end of last week. We’re both planning on going to college. I was accepted to one here in France, a medical school. Michael, I think he wants to do college, yeah?” Luke asks me and I elaborate.

“Yeah, I think I want to. I managed to get university entrance, so we’ll see. I think people really want to hear you sing Lu, or play an instrument,” I point out to the blonde, literally pointing to the tens of comments that are practically begging for that and Luke just sighs. He doesn't want to, but then again there’s something in his eyes that says - maybe I could - and I am practically begging for it. Luke needs to put himself out there.

“I don’t know what everyone wants to hear. I’m not that good. What should I play, Michael?” The blonde asks me and - is Luke actually going to do this? I’m so excited, both to hear Luke sing and to see Luke come out of his shell a little in front of an audience of some sort.

“Play something you’ve written, grab an acoustic and just sit here and sing,” I say to Luke and the blonde does just that, getting up to retrieve one of the acoustics in here - a beautiful looking steel string that Luke very clearly loves. Luke strums it a few times, making sure it’s in tune before he sits down with me once more.

“I don’t know what to play. Just anything?” Luke asks me and I suppose so. He’s nervous, a little shaky, but he bites down his nerves to do this. Luke places a capo on the first fret of the guitar and he sings his song Place In Me . The one that means so much to the blonde. He sings it beautifully, perfectly the whole way through and I just watch him in awe, my eyes never leaving the boy as he continues to sing.

It was beautiful. Luke is beautiful. Everyone watching also thinks so and I watch Luke light up at the comments that come through when he’s finished singing. Luke is ecstatic that he just did that. That he got out of his comfort zone to do something he loves entirely. He’s absolutely entirely ecstatic right now.

“I - uh - I wrote that song about my oldest brother and the media seems to not actually know that he passed away two years ago. He meant so much to my family, so it was upsetting when the world didn’t really have the opportunity to send him off. There was something about this song that makes me feel more content with his passing and I hope you all think about him sometimes. Now - enough sappy talk,” Luke very clearly cuts himself off and he didn't need to say that, but I’m proud of him nonetheless.

We look through the comments for a while and there's definitely a trend. There are people who care, wholeheartedly care about Luke, saying he looks thin, exhausted, panicked - and all of the things I see in the blonde. But there are people who also praise his looks, saying that he looks hot, that he looks pretty and everything in between. There are also people just asking questions and Luke decides to focus on those questions. 

" How long have we been together? It feels like forever, honestly. Michael and I had always been acquaintances throughout high school, but this year we really got to know one another," Luke explains and it does feel like we've been together for lifetimes. We kind of go back and forth between one another, reading and answering questions. 

"Who proposed and how did they propose? Luke proposed to me. He proposed to me while I was driving which was dangerous but beautiful really. I pulled over so I wouldn't crash and he told me how much he loved me. It was lovely really," I say, showing the ring to the camera and Luke always looks at me with adoration. It's crazy to me how he just looks at me with so much love in his eyes as I speak. He shouldn't be in awe of me. Not at all when he's him. 

"Someone asked what the most annoying thing is that each of us do. Michael does annoying things all the time and I've never brought it up, but he'll agree with me - he has a habit of always tripping over his own feet. He also snores all night, just lightly enough to hear it, but loud enough for it to be annoying," Luke explains and I didn't know that I snored. Luke snores too - he's not completely perfect. 

"Luke, you snore too. No Luke does far more annoying things. He apologizes too often and he always taps his foot or hums. He also spends like - forever on his hair every day," I say, being brutally honest and Luke clarifies that he does not spend a lot of time on his hair, but I beg to differ. 

"You lot have now created a rift in the Hemmings-Clifford romance. I hope you all feel very responsible for this," Luke jokes and I can't help but kiss him at that. Now feels like a good time to end this live stream, so we both say goodbye and manage to end the stream. Luke looks a lot lighter and happier now that we've done that. He's getting somewhat better in some ways and I'm just glad. 
"Okay Michael - we have to go now to the surprise. I'm feeling very happy, thank you so much for doing that for me. I love you," Luke says to me and I'm glad he's feeling this way. 

"I'm really glad you're happy Lu. I'm happy too. I'm excited as well, can you tell me where we’re going?” I ask him, trying to get him to slip up and tell me, but he’s got his head screwed on right because he just tuts and tells me that he’s not going to ruin the surprise. 

“The only hint I’ll give you is that it’s going to be cold, quiet, dark and spooky,” Luke explains and I don’t know what on earth that could be. He just smiles, he knows he’s confused me, but he shuts down the computer and takes my hand so we can get ready to go. 

We bypass Luke’s room on the way out and the blonde just grabs a hoodie - something that I didn’t think Luke would have in his drawers, but alas, he has a very dark green hoodie - almost black and he pulls it on, letting it practically swallow him whole, making him look so small and adorable. This six foot four blondie looks so tiny and adorable.

He quickly goes into his ensuite and I know what he's doing. I'm not stupid. It's what he's been doing since we got here. He goes to his ensuite to snort small amounts of cocaine that leaves his eyes wild, but doesn't affect his coherency. He's happier, sure, and he's more confident in himself, but he's still high and he's still hurting himself. 

“Let’s go Michael. Why are you looking at me like that? What’s wrong?” Luke asks me and I’m just glaring at him, I’m just observing him, noticing just how small he really is while being drowned in his hoodie. He’s tiny. He’s fading away. He's high, he's happy, but his eyes are so lost. His soul is practically screaming for me to help. 

“Nothing Lu, you’re beautiful, that’s all,” I say to Luke and he just smiles a little, holding my hand once more, taking me to the front of his house so that we can leave. We get into the car, Luke speaking to the driver in French before lighting a cigarette, immediately going back on his desire to quit. I just sit here.

“What’s wrong? You look upset Michael. We’re going out to my favorite place here, please don’t be upset,” Luke says to me and I don’t even know what I should say to him. Do I tell him the truth? That I’m beyond worried about his health? That I want him to quit smoking, that I want him to stop doing drugs, that I want him to be okay. Or do I lie - tell him nothing’s wrong.

“I'm worried about you Luke. I’m really worried about you. I’m really scared that you’re going to hurt yourself and not come back from it all. You’re fading away, you’re treating yourself terribly - you’re high all the time and you’re not eating. I don’t want you to die Luke,” I say to him, just spilling everything and Luke just stays quiet for a while before taking another drag of his cigarette and responding.

“I’m fine Michael. I’ve never been happier than I’ve been recently. Just being high and shit doesn’t matter,” Luke says and he’s not listening to me. He’s always high, I pretend I don’t see it, I pretend that I don’t notice him going to the bathroom purely so he can get high and come back off his kite. It’s been getting bad.

“Luke, your pupils are always wild, you’re always high and you don’t seem to care. You’re high now and I pretend I don’t see it because maybe if I don’t mention it, you’ll stop, but you’re getting worse. You’re falling apart and relying on drugs to make you feel better. Please - I’m begging you to listen to me,” And I do plead because he can’t keep living like this.

“Don’t ruin this Michael. I can do what I want - okay? I’m the richest person on the planet and I can do whatever the fuck I want. If you don’t want me to do whatever I want then please - don’t get in my way,” Luke says to me and I want to get mad, but I can’t be mad at him. He’s lost, he’s not mad, he’s just not thinking straight.

“Luke, it’s okay for you to be upset, I know that today has been really difficult and I really want you to allow yourself to be sad. Gray is dead and although he hurt you-” I start and Luke cuts me off practically immediately after Gray is mentioned.

“Fuck you. Don’t you ever talk to me about how I should be feeling regarding Gray. All you want is for me to be happy, well I’ve found how to be happy. You need to stop bossing me around and telling me what to do. If I want to get high and blackout drunk then I’ll fucking do that because it’s keeping me going. So please stop ruining this, I want to show you my favorite place and I don’t want it ruined,” Luke says and that actually hurts. It hurts a lot. 

"You're ruining your life Luke! You have every single chance to turn this shit show around and you're too fucking self destructive to do it! You're fucking yourself over and you don't care. I'm sick of it!" I find myself yelling at Luke and I don't think I've ever lost my temper with him before but I'm at my wits end. He loses it right back at me. 

"You are fucking me over! You don't give a shit about what I want! You're trying to make me something that I'm not, just so that I can be your picture perfect boyfriend! I don't want to be anything like that Michael. Just fucking leave me alone. Se ranger . Get the fuck out of the car," Luke clearly orders the driver to pull over and - what? He can't do this. It's snowing outside, it's a foreign country. He can't do this to me. 

"Luke, just calm down a little-" And saying that was definitely wishful thinking. His eyes are full of anger, his pupils dilated from drug abuse and from pure rage. I've never heard Luke yell with such pure anger in his voice, but it's loud, I flinch and Luke had no remorse about it at all. I have to listen because if I don't, I fear he'll get physically violent. 

"Get out!" So I do. I get out of the car and Luke slams the door shut behind me, leaving me here. Leaving me in the middle of a country which doesn't speak English. I have no money, no way of communicating with anyone and it's freezing. I left my fucking jersey in the car and that car is gone. I would freeze before I got back to Luke's if that was what I tried to do despite not even knowing which direction that house is in. I'm lost in a foreign country and I'm terrified. 

I grab out my phone with shaking hands, holding back tears as I first of all try to call Luke. He doesn't pick up at all. I'm panicking, but I don't blame myself because I think it's a perfectly valid reason to be scared. My next best bet is to call someone who has good logic. Ashton despite being half a world away. He picks up after a few rings and greets me joyfully. 

"Heya Mikey! How're you mate?" Ashton asks and I'm shaking. I'm not really breathing, I'm trying to look around, locate anything familiar, but I can't and I'm tearing myself apart. 

"Ashton - I don't know where I am," Is all I can manage to breathe out and I've never felt so terrified in my life. I can't breathe, I can't calm down and I'm absolutely freezing as people walk by, probably thinking I'm absolutely insane. 

"Hey, breathe Michael. What's wrong? Do you know how you got to where you are? Breathe mate, you're okay," Ashton says to me and I just try. I breathe as he counts and I calm down a little, thinking about what Ashton is saying. He's speaking, telling me that I'll be okay and Ashton tends to be rather reassuring when he wants to be. I get my breathing under control and I take a seat on one of the benches on the sidewalk that is thankfully uninhabited despite how busy it is here. Maybe if we weren't in France I'd ask someone for help. But France is notorious for pickpockets and criminals. I'd rather stick to myself. 

“I was in the car with Luke because he was taking me somewhere that he said was his favorite place in France, but we had an argument and he started getting aggressive with me and yelled at me. Then he got the driver to pull over and he ordered me out of the car. Now I'm alone on a busy street where no one speaks English and Luke won't pick up his phone and I have no idea what to do," I explain the situation to Ashton and I need him to help me and tell me what to do. He's extremely logical, he should have a plan. 

"That fucking asshole. Okay, breathe, you're alright. Try going into a store, a big name store like Nike or even a McDonald's because Paris is a tourist city, usually a staff member in big corporate businesses there will speak English. If you find someone who speaks English and you feel like you can trust them, tell them what's wrong and they will help you, yeah?" Ashton advises and I look around for a logo I recognize on the shop windows. There's a Sephora and there's also a Disney store. Maybe one of them? 

"I need to find Lu. He's not in a good head-space and he's alone. I'm just scared Ash, I feel so out of place," I say to him and he just hums, telling me that I'll be alright. 

"Fuck him Michael. He’s an asshole to leave you there. I’m sure he’ll be fine, he’s probably off somewhere getting high. I’ll stay with you on call, okay” Ashton says to me and I decide to walk into the Disney store that's full of more families than other stores. A worker comes up to me practically immediately and unlike Australian stores, their customer greeting is rather brilliant. 

"Bonjour! Bienvenue à Disney! Comment puis-je vous aider?" And her joyful smile fades when she notices the tears on my cheeks. I must look like a wreck and I'm still clutching my phone to my ear. I'm still kind of panicking, and I have no idea what on earth she said, but she looks like she cares. Like she's good . 

"English? Can - can you help me?" And my voice shakes as I speak. She just nods, taking me by my spare hand, leading me away from some of the chaos. She's quite phenomenal looking really. Dark hair, dark beautiful skin, chocolate brown eyes, a curvier figure that compliments everything about her. She's everything that Luke's not and it's something very reassuring and honestly relieving. 

"Are you alright? Why were you crying? Hey, what's wrong?" She asks me, placing her hand on my cheek to wipe away the tears. I've seen her for about ten seconds, why is she being this caring and why am I allowing it? I don't know what to say to her at all. I can't tell her the truth, that will ruin Luke, but she clearly doesn't know who I am. That's another reassuring thing. 

"I'm lost. I don't speak French and I'm lost here and I don't know anyone who can help me. I'm - I'm having a panic attack and I need someone to help me," I find myself saying, speaking extremely shakily as I try to hold myself together. I'm still on the phone with Ashton, but he's not speaking, just listening and I don't know what to do. She takes it all in before speaking and holding my hand. 

"Breathe. You'll be alright, I'll help you. Can you tell me where you're from and what your name is? Then we can figure out how to help you, okay? Also your phone, who are you talking to on the phone?" She speaks and her accent isn't really there. There isn't really much of an accent and she's very caring and calm with her words. 

"My friend, he's trying to help me but he's in Australia. Ashton, I'm okay now, I'll call you back," I say and I end the call before answering her other questions. 
"I'm Michael. I'm from Australia. What's your name?" I ask her and she smiles at my odd introduction before introducing herself. 

"I'm Arlette, I'm from here. It's nice to meet you Michael, I really like your hair. Now, how did you get lost? Are you here with your family? You're like my age, you shouldn't be out an about in Paris alone," She explains and I'm well aware of that fact. She seems to be alone - other than being at work, but I just bite all of that back to explain somewhat. 

"A friend and myself are here together, like an overseas experience because we've both just finished high school. He's from Paris, he grew up here and he got angry at me while we were in a taxi, so he told the driver to pull over and he made me get out before they drove away. Now I'm alone, freezing, and panicking," I explain and she just frowns at Luke's actions. It's definitely frown - worthy. 

"Friends shouldn't do that to one another, regardless of the circumstances. Have you tried contacting your friend? Will they apologize?" And I don't think Luke would ever necessarily apologize for anything, but maybe this time he would. But Ashton is probably right. Luke's more than likely in a place where he's getting high. He's probably at a club, sniffing coke off of beautiful girls' boobs or something ridiculous. It's plausible when it comes to Luke. 

"He doesn't ever apologize for anything. He's probably off somewhere, getting drunk or high. He's ruining himself and I don't know how to help him. He's fading away, he was high when he told me to get out of the car, he's probably getting higher," I explain, trying not to think about that immediately after saying it. After all, Luke can do what he wants. He'll have to learn the consequences the hard way if he isn't going to listen to me. I'm not his caregiver. He can do whatever he wants. 

"Are you high too? You're just a bit jittery, that's all," She asks me and honestly I've felt off since snorting that Cocaine, but I just shake my head because I'm not high. I'm just panicky and Luke is an idiot. I bet I smell like cigarette smoke from Luke's stupid decisions. I bet this girl thinks I'm insane, but she's being overly nice and I don't know what's up with me because I never thought I was attracted to females, but looking at Arlette I have to bite back the thoughts in my mind of making out with her. God, Luke's ruined me. 

"I don't get high. Can I just sit here until I've calmed down a little and until my friend messages me? I've got nowhere else to go and I feel safer here," I ask her, trying my absolute best to just stay so I can look at her for a while longer and she tells me that she'll talk to her boss about letting me sit in the staff room, away from so many people. Some people are too good for this world. 

She does go off and ask her boss and thankfully the answer to her question is yes. I'm allowed to sit with her in the staff-room of this French Disney store and she's taking her half hour break purely for me. I make sure I text Ash and tell him that I'm alright before I once again try to call Luke to no avail. 

Wherever he is he's doing something stupid, that much I can guarantee, so I try not to worry too much. Nothing I can do will change any outcomes here. He's made up his mind, he's going to do something idiotic and I'm sick of trying to prevent it if he's not going to listen to me. So I sit here for a long time, chatting with Arlette, learning about her and she doesn't learn a lot about me in return. 

She grew up here, in Paris. She's my age, eighteen and this is her first full time job. The role suits her personality perfectly. She's so smiley and happy that it just radiates off of her. She has two older sisters and she's really starting to look like an absolute parody of Luke right now - just polar opposite. 

While she's talking to me about her family who sound lovely, my phone buzzes and I pick it up to see an absolutely unintelligible text from Luke. I don't even know what he's trying to say, so I ask Arlette if it happens to be French, but she says that she doesn't understand either. After all, it does just say;

'midde xome het me' 

I have no idea what it's supposed to mean, but Luke calls me and I don't know if I want to pick up or not. I let it ring for a second before Arlette tells me not to ignore him and I suppose Luke is my only way home. He's who I really want to be with, so I really should answer this. So I do and it's exactly what I expected in the worst way possible. 

"Mikey! I said I knew you would pick up. I'm sorry. Please come and pick me up, I can't think and I'm with strangers, I want to be safe with you," His words are all slurred and messy, he's giggly and lost and it makes my heart feel like it physically sinks because wherever Luke is with these strangers, he's vulnerable. He's vulnerable and people know he has money. He could very well be in danger and I need to somehow get to him before anything bad happens. 

"Where are you mate? Are you safe? What did you take and who gave it to you?" I ask him multiple questions and he just grumbles, telling me to ask me them all separately because he needs to think. So I ask the questions separately and his answers aren't the clearest, nor the best structured. 

"I'm under the ground. It's not - we're under the floor. I'm always safe, silly. I don't know what I had but everything's spinning and everything has colors and is glowing so prettily,” Luke mumbles out, sounding so far gone as he giggles lightly at whatever it is exactly that's he's processing right now. There are other voices wherever he is, and no one is speaking anything distinctly English, so I doubt they could tell Luke where he is in a language I can understand. 

"Can you tell me the name of the place you are? Do you remember how you got there?" And I'm speaking like he's a child, but he's not in the best head-space for me to be stern or overly serious with him. He hums a little before asking someone in the room something in French. He's all mumbly, that's what I hate the most because I know that means he's lethargic and unable to fight off anyone who wants to hurt him. He's vulnerable. 

"L'Arc Paris - Sortir en boîte," Luke mumbles and I don't know what that means, so I put my phone on speaker and get him to say it again so that Arlette can translate. Luke mumbles it out again and Arlette is shocked to hear how far gone Luke is, let alone what he's saying - or trying to say. 

"L'Arc Paris is a club. He said that he's clubbing in - at that club. That's for like - crazy rich and famous people though," She explains and she really doesn't know who we are thankfully. The only thing now is that I have no idea how to get to the club, let alone how to get in when I get there. It's a bad situation regardless and Luke doesn't know what he's even taken. It's scary. 

"Okay, Lu can you hold tight till I get there? Don't let anyone near you, stay awake and maybe try to get to the exit when I get there?" I ask him and he just grumbles something before he starts rambling to me. 

"I'm having fun Mikey, you should join me. I want you here with me. I'm so tired too but I've made so many friends that are high too. You said I should make more friends and talk to so many more people and I'm talking to people. Someone here reminds me of Calum and I - he danced with me," Luke is just mumbling out his words as I listen to him and he's a right idiot. I need to get there before someone takes advantage of him. Arlette seems to understand also. 

"Yeah? Well I’m coming soon Lu, okay? Please don’t take anything or drink anything more, yeah?” I say to him and he just hums a little, telling me he’s missing me and really sorry that he said what he did to me. I’m not worried about that right now. We can talk about that later. I just need to make sure he stays safe. Sometimes I really feel like a caregiver of some sort.

“I love you Mikey,” Luke mumbles and I hate hearing that right now. I just want to be with him. I wish he didn't go around messing everything up constantly. I wish he could see how much he’s hurting everyone who loves him. I wish this boy could open his eyes and just really see what he’s doing.

“Love you too mate. Don’t do anything stupid. I’ll be there soon,” I say to him and he just hums before hanging up and I suppose that that’s that. I have to somehow get to this club god knows where in Paris, get in and get Luke out before something awful happens. Easier said than done I can imagine.

“I’ll call you a cab. Do you want me to come with you? I can help translate - that’s all,” She asks me and I don’t see why not. I inform her that I have no money on me, but that I can pay her back. She tells me not to worry about paying her back, but I will personally take money from Luke’s account to make up for her leaving work early knowing full well she won’t get paid for being gone.

We manage to make our way to the club and getting in is an issue. Technically they don’t even open as a club until 11:59pm - which is a load of bullshit because I know for a fact that Luke is in there. The world revolves around the wealthy. Maybe for some people this place opens then, but for the rich it’s always open and I have to blow Luke’s cover in front of Arlette just to get inside to drag him out.

“I know for a fact that Louka Hemmings is in there. Please for the love of god, I’m just here to pick him up. He told me to pick him up,” I say and Arlette’s eyes widen when she realizes just who this friend of mine really is. Everyone here in Paris knows Luke. I can still fly under the radar.

“Louka Herlaimont - Michael Clifford? Apologies, do you have an ID? I’m sure you’re older than eighteen, but I need to know for sure for you to be let in. Only you are welcome here, Louka said you were allowed in,” And Luke honestly probably owns most of this place knowing him. I show him my drivers licence that I’m glad I keep in my phone case and he lets me in once Arlette assures me she’ll wait outside. The bouncer even says that he’ll make sure she stays safe. Thank goodness.

Walking into this place is utter hell. It’s half like a traditional dance club - and half like a fantasy wonderland in here. I can just smell pure alcohol and eventually I spot Luke with a group of people who look to be in their early twenties. God, what is Luke doing.

He’s half awake - maybe even unconscious and his head is resting on a girl's shoulder. He’s a little smiley, so I rule out unconsciousness, but regardless, he’s out of it and he’s with practical strangers. He seems to be the only inebriated one too - which is a billion times more worrying for many reasons. They practically drugged him with god knows what - and they could have very well abused him. Great - just what Luke needs right now.

I decide to approach them and I notice very quickly that drug abuse and doing drugs in this club is clearly kept hush hush because they definitely aren't hiding anything at all. There's cocaine on the table, random assortments of pills and blunts - it’s honestly a terrible scene and when I approach Luke and his new friends , I notice just how out of it he is.

“Lu? Come on mate, let’s get you out of here,” I say as I approach them all and he opens his eyes finally, dilated pupils wild as his eyes trail around, not really focusing or staying on me exactly. He’s so out of it and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like this at all. It’s honestly scary.

“Qui c'est? Tu le connais Louka?” The girl beside him speaks, saying something I don’t understand and she’s got to be at least twenty and her hand is down Luke’s pants. Honestly, I don’t care, but I’m a little worried. Luke can’t exactly give consent for something like this right now, even if he wants it - I don’t know. It makes me feel ill.

“Michael! It’s my fiance - hello,” Luke slurs out, resting his head on this girl’s shoulder once more and I just want to scoop him up and take him home. He doesn’t belong here, really he doesn’t at all, especially as he can’t really stay awake - and he doesn’t need to stay. I can take him home. After all, Arlette is waiting outside for us too. Luke cannot get paparazzi-ed like this.

“Hey baby. Let’s get out of here, yeah love?” I try to get him to say that he wants to leave but he doesn’t, because he just wanted me to be here. He didn’t exactly want to leave. He just wanted me here with him because he didn’t feel safe.

“Mm mm, Michael. I feel sick I - I want to sleep but also fuck someone. Can I do that? Wow what the fuck?” Luke says before looking around the room and he’s clearly seeing shit that isn’t there. He moves away from the girl a little, he doesn’t want her to have her hand down his pants, but he can’t do anything about it. He grumbles, but the girl just must do something down there and Luke tilts his head back - in un-consensual bliss. It’s fucking sexual assault.

“Hey, can you get your fucking hands off of him? Can’t you see that he doesn’t want you to fucking touch him?” I find myself snapping, snapping at strangers - and I don’t think I’ve ever done this before but I have good reason to. I’m watching my fiance being abused and it hurts.

“We’re just having fun baby. You should join us,” One of the girls say and - no. Not at all, I will never condone abuse of any kind. But someone touches me and that’s where the line is absolutely drawn. I flinch. I move away and I’m starting to panic because these people have too much power here. I need to somehow get Luke out of here. I’m fucking terrified.

“Don’t fucking touch me! Luke - we’re leaving right now. Grab your things, we’re going,” I say to Luke, my voice shaking as I speak and I’m practically terrified for my life right now. I don’t want any part in Luke’s groupies, not at all and I don’t want him participating either. He’s ruining himself.

“I have no things. Just the shiny - it’s just all colors,” Luke mumbles, his eyes unfocusing and rolling back for a second before he flinches a little, back into wakefulness and that was fucking terrifying. What did they do to him? What did they drug him with?

“Luke - what the fuck did you take? What the fuck did he take?” I yell. I find myself glaring into the sick and twisted soul of the guy sitting on the other side of Luke and the blonde doesn’t answer, so the french guy with chocolate brown hair beside him speaks. I can only assume that this is the one Luke said reminded him of Calum on the phone call.

“Just some xanax and ecstasy. He was practically begging for it. Adeline, make sure he doesn’t overdose,” He speaks, his accent definitely apparent, but not crazily overbearing. The young people in France tend to thankfully speak English - but right now that’s not what I'm worried about at all. I don't want to talk to them at all, I just want my fiancé away from them. 

"Leave him alone, Jesus Christ, you're sexually abusing him! If you don't leave him alone I'll-" And I freeze up because I don't know what I'll do really. They have the upper hand. Luke is with six other people and I can't do anything about this. They absolutely lean into my stuttered silence. 

"You'll what? What will you do you green haired coward? Hm? I get that you're Louka Herlaimont's boytoy or whatever, but right now he's ours and he wants us, okay? So turn your pretty ass back around, leave, and we'll all be happy. Okay?" The same guy says and I'm still speechless. I don't know what to do. Luke's on the verge of an overdose, he's sweating buckets and honestly, if they're keeping him here they should get him some water at the very least. Not that they don't have two bottles of wine at the table too. 

"I will tell security that you're manhandling him. I won't even hesitate to get someone in here," I say because really that's all that I can do. But then again I can't do that either, they make that very clear. One of the bigger guys who are taller than me and a lot more muscular, grabs my wrist and it's all practically over. I can't escape his grasp, especially when he manages to hold my other wrist too. Now I'm just flailing a little as I try to scream for help. Not that anyone cares. 

He manages to get behind me, wrists still in hold before he moves one hand up to cover my mouth to stop my pleas for help. I can't fucking help myself. I'm a scrawny, six foot something, pasty boy with no muscle mass, and this guy wants me silent. So I stop trying to yell, I stop trying to fight back and he eventually let's me breathe . 

"Please don't let Luke get hurt - please," And I find myself sobbing because he's still grasping my wrist and I can't handle this anymore. I'm a mess. Luke is a mess. We're both messes and honestly, this was bound to happen. All I can think about is my parents telling me about the famous actor River Phoenix's overdose at a club in Los Angeles before I was born, and that fact has always terrified me. 

"Shit, you're really scared, huh? Relax mate, we're not going to hurt anyone," He says when he realizes just how scared I am right now and I just watch as Luke swallows two more pills that the lady next to him gives him and he needs to stop and think for a second about what he's doing. He could overdose. He's going to kill himself if he's not careful. 

"Please - let me take him home. I just want to take him home," I say to them because really that's all I want and the man behind me coos a little before doing the most terrible thing that could have happened. He grabs me by the hair, his grasp keeping me in place as he holds a hand purely over my mouth. I'm panicking. I'm breathing rapidly through my nose as I try to stay calm, but he has full control. He bends me over to the Cocaine on the table and I can see where this is going. He holds me there until I have to take a breath in - and when I do it's deep and I involuntarily snorted up Cocaine. I feel like I'm going to pass out because it hits me immediately like a ton of bricks. He lets me go and pushes me to the floor. This is all going to hit soon and I'll be a mess. I'm already sobbing. 

"Let us know when you feel it kicking in. Louka and yourself can put on a show for us," The brunette hums out and I just lay here, eyes welled with tears as I look over to Luke who is blinking in and out of bouts of wakefulness. He's so high. He's absolutely and utterly wasted right now and I can already feel my brain clouding like when I did this with Luke. Everything sucks, Luke's so far gone, his eyes are absolutely wild and I'm just scared he'll overdose and no one will help him. 

It all starts to kick in quickly. I immediately feel less scared, and more energized. It's warm in here, people are all around me and I find myself giggling subconsciously. I'm lifted to my feet by someone and I mumble a thank you before they take my hand and - oh are we leaving? - I don't remember this plan. We go to another room, downstairs this time and I don't know what's going on, but the sounds of voices are driving me mad. 

Eventually we make it to a room. A private party room and it's just like all of the movies. Luke's here too but I think he's sleeping because he was practically carried here. Now he's lying down on the floor, eyes shut and breathing steady. The guy who dragged me in here tells me to get on the floor next to Luke too and I don't know what he wants, but I listen, laying here and hugging the blonde close to me. He mumbles, he hugs me and I feel so content when I'm with Luke. He's so cuddly - even when we're both high. 

"Come on, sluts. Fuck each other right here and now, or I swear to god," Someone says and my mind stalls right then and there, because what? I'm high, that much I'm aware of, and although I'm spacey on what's going on right now, I'm still able to tell myself both that I don't want this and that Luke is practically unconscious so he can't consent regardless. 

"I don't have sex," I say, continuing to cuddle Luke here nonetheless and I feel anger radiate around myself and my fiancé. Someone speaks French and I still can't fucking understand, so I tell them to shut the fuck up. I'm exhausted, I'm angry and I'm finally with my boy. I don't need anything else in life. 

"Do I look like I fucking care? Fuck him you whore!" The guy yells and I'm scared. I'm genuinely terrified at this exact moment because, what? I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to turn into Luke, but right now I'm high and in a room with very evil people who want to steal innocence and take advantage of vulnerability. 

“I don’t want to,” I mumble because I just want to leave. Arlette is waiting outside, I told her I’d be in and out. Can’t she come inside? I just want out of here and she could probably drag us out of all of this. Maybe the bouncer at the front of the store? Surely this isn’t legal. I don’t know, I don’t know what to think. My mind’s a little blurry.

“Listen kid, if you don’t fuck him then I will make you both watch each other get fucked by one of us. For the love of god, get the fuck up and fuck him!” The same man yells and I don’t even feel like I can move. My brain feels like it’s been drowned in a sticky, sugary goo that’s just restricting everything in my thoughts.

“Can we please leave? I don’t want to have sex - I’m a virgin and Luke is - he can’t consent,” I say, more like I mumble and I hold Luke’s hand, sitting myself up a little and trying to get him to do a similar thing. I just want to get out of here. I don’t even know why I came here, but I don’t want to be here anymore and I want to go home. Not Luke’s house, but Sydney. We shouldn’t be here.

“Jesus Christ dude-” And he grabs my wrist, pulling me to my feet before he starts to touch me. I try to pull away - really I do - but he’s stronger than me and I’m high, so really he can do whatever I want. I think I’m crying, sobbing really and someone tells him to stop and I think I’m pleading for that too.

It all falls apart when someone - security comes downstairs and God I want to kiss them for this. They take the other people away and leave Luke and I here high as fuck with one of the security because I’m sobbing and Luke is practically out cold. The security is more so worried about the fact that Luke’s practically overdosing - rather than me sobbing and I’m worried too.

“Qu'est-ce qu'il a pris? What did he take?” He asks me and I need to rack my brain for everything I know regarding what Luke consumed. I can’t really think, I’m trying to think back to what the guy said.

“Xanax - and ecstasy but also he’s drunk and probably did cocaine-” I’m panicking as I speak. I’m hardly able to stay coherent because Luke isn’t responding to anyone’s attempts at waking him and I don’t know what the fuck to do.

“Louka? Mr Herlaimont, can you hear me?” He speaks, trying to get a reaction from Luke and I’ve really fucked up this time. Luke’s really fucked up this time and I can see his life flashing before my eyes. My heart is practically pounding and I don’t know what I’ll do with myself if Luke dies right here and now.

I think everything in my mind comes to a screeching halt when Luke starts to convulse where he lays. He’s having a seizure, he’s overdosing and he’s seizing and - I’ve never witnessed a seizure before this - but it’s terrifying and the world feels like it’s slowing to a stop right now. My heart is pounding and I’m honestly terrified.

It’s short lived, he’s out again very soon and he’s so out of it. He’s on the brink of an absolutely dangerous level of high and I don’t know how to go about making sure he stays alright. I don’t even know if he’s okay, but the security guard tells us to get out of here, to get him home and I suppose I can try. Cocaine highs don’t last long - I’m coming down and I just want to get Luke out of here.

Luke regains a hazy wakefulness, he’s somewhat alert in a way and I manage to get him upright - not exactly stable, but he’s upright and he just rests up against me - so out of it and I’m so worried about him. I’m so scared that he’s nearing the end of his beautifully twisted life. I’m scared that I can’t help him out of this shit.

“Lu - we’re going home baby. Okay?” I speak, kissing his hair, and he just mumbles, he nods a little and he’s relying solely on me to keep him upright. He smells like alcohol and cigarette smoke. He’s ruining himself and he needs to get his act together before he gets himself killed. I know that he doesn’t want this. Luke wants to get clean, he’s said it time and time again and I want him clean too - but he gets very quickly carried away. He very clearly craves his own demise.

“Can I want to I wanna have do more cocaine,” And what Luke said makes no sense but I just hold him close to me, because he’s far too high right now. He’s not going to do anymore coke, I’m not going to let him at all. He’s hardly awake, he’s hardly alive and I need him to just get home, take him back to Sydney, then get him to rehab. He needs help and I can’t let him refuse it this time. 

"We're going home," Is all I repeat and it's a miracle that I manage to get him into a cab without cameras catching a glimpse of either of us. The bouncer tells us that Arlette really had to go, but he gives me a piece of paper with her number on it and I feel somewhat content with this outcome.

We get back to Luke’s place and Luke practically trips out of the cab, needing me to keep him upright as I try unsuccessfully to get him inside. He’s past the point of giggly high. He’s miserable, he’s half conscious, he’s not able to stay upright and he doesn’t want to go inside. Why does he constantly feel the need to never listen to me?

I manage to get him inside and up to his room with the help of two butlers because Luke really isn’t cooperating and it’s difficult to get him up a flight of stairs to his room when he’s like this. He’s out of it and no one asks any questions. This must be so common.

It’s exhausting. Luke is exhausting and I need some time to think. I was abused. All because Luke can’t just listen to me - and I am in no way blaming him for any of this at all, but I need him to see how his actions are affecting everyone around him.

Luke’s letting himself fall apart all because he craves so much pain. Luke loves being hurt - he doesn’t love being hurt - but he does. It’s idiotic. It’s tearing everyone apart and I just want him to open his eyes to the whole thing. I want him to see that he’s hurting people who love him. I want him to see just how much people love him and just how much he’s hurting them.

He’s asleep, he’s out cold and I’m just glad he’s getting some rest so that we can chat about this tomorrow. It’s getting late - I could fall asleep right now and I find myself doing just that. I fall asleep in Luke’s bedroom, not in his bed with him, but in the seat by the coffee table because I really couldn’t handle sleeping beside him last night after everything that happened.

Chapter Text

In the morning I wake up before Luke. He looks like an absolute wreck and I feel like a wreck. I walk into his ensuite, splashing some water onto my face to wake myself up a little more and I go back to the room when I realize I don’t look too shitty. I need to talk to Luke about this. He’ll probably wake up still high on what he took yesterday, but I’m taking my chances. I wake him up and I’m not too kind about it either.

“Luke, fucking wake up. We have to talk about yesterday Luke,” I say to him, shaking his shoulder and when he wakes up he immediately squeezes his eyes shut because the room is so bright and he’s hungover as hell. He grumbles and he knows he’s fucked up, but he doesn’t know why exactly and I’m sick of this. I love him wholeheartedly, but I’m losing my mind.

“Jesus Christ - turn my high off, the room’s rockin’,” Luke says with a light laugh but now isn’t the time for Luke to be cracking jokes. I need a proper conversation with him, I need him to listen to me and I need seriousness and I need him to open his goddamn eyes.

“Luke, I need you to please listen to me. We need to go home. You need help. I will get you help but you need to take it,” I say to him and he looks very quickly confused. Like he doesn’t know where any of this is coming from, nor why I sound so absolutely panicked. I’m losing my mind here and Luke looks like he doesn’t know why.

“Why do I need help? What’s wrong? Why do I need help?” Luke asks me, sitting up, a concerned yet confused look spread across his face and he needs to listen to me. He needs to get it in his brain that he’s ruining everything. He’s an absolute genius of a person - so why can’t he understand this? He simply doesn’t understand .

“We have to go back to Sydney please, Luke. I will help you find somewhere to go to rehab and you can get better and we can stay alive and everything will be okay. Everything will be alright,” I say to him and I think I’m losing it. I’m on the absolute borderline of pure mania and it’s so difficult to get Luke to listen .

“Michael - I don’t know what’s wrong, but you’re kind of losing it at me and I don’t think this is the best way to deal with things. I will take you back to Sydney if that’s what you want? If you don’t like it here?” Luke asks me and I just need him to listen to me . He’s not listening. He never listens to me and we’re supposed to love one another.

“I’m not saying that Luke. I’m saying that if you stay here, if we stay here then we will fall apart. Please, we have to go back to familiarity, to Calum and to Ashton, to your brother and to my family. Please Luke. You can go to rehab and get better. I need you to get better,” I say to him and he knows what I’m trying to say. I can see in his eyes that he absolutely knows and I just want him to admit it.

“Is that what you want? If it’s what you want and what you think I should do, then I want nothing less,” Luke says to me and I just practically breathe out a sigh of relief. He’s listening, he’s actually listening to me and I’m glad he’s allowing himself to admit that he’s broken. That he needs help.

“Do you think you should do that? Can you admit that you need to go to rehab?” I ask him and he just solemnly nods. He’s admitting to his issues, he’s admitting to his wrongdoings and to his pain and to his addiction to chemically induced emotions and hallucinations. He’s absolutely addicted and it’s pulling his life apart.

“I’ve thought about it for so long, I guess I just don’t want to admit to myself that I’m in the wrong because I always feel so right Michael. I always feel like I’m just the most correct person ever. I’m clever and I know that - I won’t deny it because it’s true but I can’t admit to myself when I’m wrong that I’m really wrong. I just don’t ever want to be wrong,” Luke says and he’s starting to panic himself too. He’s rambling and Luke doesn’t ramble.

“It’s okay to be wrong. I’m almost always wrong, but you still love me - yeah? Being wrong is okay. If you can admit to being wrong, that makes you so strong. You’re so strong Luke, it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to yell and scream to get the help that you need,” I say to him and I’m crying but I don’t care right now. I need him to know that right now he’s wrong and I’m right. He needs to admit it.

“Tonight. We leave tonight and don’t tell anyone. I just want to feel like I belong. Your friends make me feel like I belong,” Luke says to me, tears welling in his eyes and I love him despite all of his shit. I love him so much and he loves me.

“My friends are your friends. My loser friends love you so fucking much Lu. Calum loves you, Ashton loves you and I love you. You have people fighting for you Luke, I just want you to fight for you too,” I say to him because that’s all this is. He needs to back himself. He needs to love himself.

“I will try,” He says to me and all I want is for him to try his absolute hardest. I know that he’s fighting to stay alive and I want to give him the world for that because I know how difficult this is for him. He’s going through the hardest days of his life and I just know that he’s finding it beyond difficult, but he’s trying so hard.

So we spend the day planning how exactly to get back to Sydney without anyone knowing. Luke does have all of his money at his disposal, really he does and so I help him with booking the flights because he really doesn’t know how to use the internet at all. We manage to get a flight tonight and I just call Calum and tell him when we plan to be back home so that he can pick us up or something.

I call my parents, I talk to them about it and we tell Luke’s mother nothing. We tell no one anything at all, packing our bags in private, sneaking them into the blacked out car that the driver always drives and we’re leaving this all behind for now. Luke holds my hand the whole way. He holds my hand in the car, at the airport when we have to practically run in so that people don’t spot us. He just holds my hand for dear life and we’re really doing this.

We leave. We get on the plane and we’re leaving everything behind. Luke’s mother will be pissed off, so many people will be frustrated and annoyed, but honestly Luke needs to take care of himself and I have to take care of him. We can only do that in Australia.

Luke and I sit together on the plane, flying business class rather than the class we flew on the way here. It’s a hell of a lot better because Luke can hold my hand as we take off, just as he wished he could do on the way here. The take off still makes me anxious, but with Luke beside me it’s very bearable.

He’s sick on the way back. The flight is unbelievably long and Luke spends almost the whole flight just absolutely sick to his stomach over the toilet in the plane. It’s awful, I hate that he’s like this, but eventually we land in Sydney and Luke is ecstatic. I’m exhausted, honestly. But Luke’s happiness radiates when it’s there and it’s so odd that he’s so happy, but he is and that shows just how happy Sydney really makes him.

He practically skips when we get out of the plane and going through customs is so dumb, but we eventually get through and I'm thankful to be back home. Its hot , it's crazily hot, but Luke thrives really and I'm just excited to see my family. It was a few days, but I have realized that I don't like being away from familiarity. Luke can be practically anywhere in the world and thrive as he would anywhere else, but to me Sydney is home. I can't leave my friends and family just yet. That's all I've learnt. 

Calum thankfully picks us up from the airport and he wraps me in the biggest hug and it just feels like home. It feels wonderful to be back here, wrapped in familiar arms and Luke just stands back, awkwardly just there before Calum moves away from his hug to actually envelop Luke in a hug too. The blonde wasn't expecting it, nor was I, but I can see just how much Luke values this. He's kind of like a dead fish when it comes to hugs from people other than myself - he just stands there stiffly, not really hugging back, but it's progress for Calum and Luke. 

"Hey guys, I'm so glad you're back. I hear it was pretty rough over there. You both look good though, I mean it," Calum says and I suppose that Luke's good mood tends to radiate and really affect how he outwardly appears to others. In France he honestly looked like crap, but he was suicidal and living every day half dead so I don't blame him. Sydney has brought back his spark and it's magical to see. I love him. Calum has gone through a change of some sort since we've been gone for the past few days. He's dyed a streak of his hair at the front blonde, and it honestly suits the guy.

"You look good too mate. I like the hair. It suits you," I say to him and he thanks me sincerely as we make our way out of the airport and it's significantly less hectic than France. Here nobody knows us and it's reassuring. Luke can focus on his mental health, rather that trying to be present for cameras and media. He can get better without the pressure of being someone that he's not. He said it himself. He's a private, introverted guy with a drug addiction. He really doesn't need to be in the limelight. 

"Calum?" And as we're getting into Cal's car it's Luke who speaks. The natural brunette just hums and Luke continues. 
"I'm sorry I ever hurt you as much as I did. You mean a lot to me and to Michael and I was always just so angry at you because I wanted to be you. You're just ridiculously good looking and so charismatic and I always wished I was like you," Luke says and I don't know where any of that came from, but he doesn't need to say all of this. 

"Really? I forgive you for most of that shit, it means a lot to hear that though from you Luke," Calum says to him and I see the way it fills Luke with a sense of gratification to have done that and received that kind of reply. All Luke wants is to be a good guy, he's said that hundreds of times and I don't think he's ever been truly that awful. 

"I missed this. It felt so wrong being just Michael and I, right Michael?" Luke asks and I just nod because he's right, entirely. I didn't think he'd ever admit to that fact though. It sounded almost melancholy, I don't know what's wrong but there's clearly something on Luke's mind and I don't want him losing it right here and now. He always seems to be teetering on the edge, and he's developed a habit recently of flinching when quick movements are made around him and I don't know what's set that off, but I find myself moving to quickly in an awkward position as I try to pull on my seat belt and it's enough to push Luke over that metaphorical edge. 

He finches away from me, his breath hitches and he just looks so scared for a brief moment. Then he's alright - maybe even moderately okay and I don't know what that was, but Luke's been struggling since that night when he practically overdosed. He's not touched any alcohol, nor any drugs in about forty eight hours since the flight and the day in France and his withdrawal symptoms are really kicking in. I didn't notice on the plane because he was busy being sick, but now I can really see how he's kind of losing it. 

He's shaky, which is something Luke never is. He's always so sure of himself, so poised and professional, but now he's sweaty and shaky, unable to escape the symptoms of withdrawal. He rests his head on my shoulder in the back of Calums car, trying to bite back his hatred toward all of this, but he's unable to ignore it. 

"You alright back there Luke? Want me to turn on the air conditioning or something?" Calum asks and he's trying to be nice, really he is, but he doesn't know the half of what's happened recently with Luke. Luke just tells him to wind down the windows because he's sweating and I'm not opposed to the idea either. I was just starting to get used to the cold in France. Aussie summers are brutal. 

Luke gets all antsy after a while, unable to keep still, practically clawing at the backs of his own hands, scratching them to keep his mind off of things and although I don't want him hurting himself, I want him to just breathe and calm down. This seems to be working however, so I keep my mouth shut. He's grounding himself and it's reassuring really. 

"Can we please get something to eat? I'll pay, I'm just really hungry," Luke grumbles out and he's not in a great mood, but my own mood immediately lifts when he says he genuinely wants to eat. Calum would never turn down free food, so we find ourselves going to a McDonald's which I thought Luke would want to avoid like the plague, but he says that he doesn't care what he eats, as long as it's legally classed as food. 

So that's how I found myself in a McDonald's with Calum and Luke after a twenty hour stop over flight. Calum orders one of those disgusting looking muffin things that aren't really muffins at all, but rather just a flat toasted bun, with bacon, egg and cheese along with a drink and a small fries. Luke almost winces at the mere thought of that, and honestly I do too, but Calum always raves about how good they are. I highly doubt it. 

I end up just going for a cheeseburger meal because they're reliable and classic. It's always the same, zero variation and that's reassuring. It's practically become a craving in my head at this point and now that I'm thinking about it, they're pretty damn good. 

Luke ends up getting something that I didn't even know McDonald's does, and that's something called - veggie dippers that come with lettuce and whatnot in a wrap. Then again, Luke's too sophisticated for any of the gross shit that corporate businesses try to sell you and label reliable food , so really Cal and I are the dumb ones. But he also gets small chips and a black coffee with two additional shots of espresso and he's definitely going for it 

I wasn't expecting this from Luke, but we all get out food and everyone is rather ravenous. Even Luke, which is practically a miracle. He just has to keep it down. 

We chat as we all sit and eat and Luke is happier than I've seen him in quite a while. It's a genuine, heartfelt happiness in his eyes that just fills me with pure joy and I'm so glad that he can still find some happiness. He's still able to enjoy certain aspects of his life. 

"I watched your live stream! I forgot to tell you guys. Michael, you had a very natural on screen charisma to you mate. Luke, you just looked so in love with Mike the whole time," Calum suddenly brings up and it's funny to me that Calum would ever watch that, because he knows us. We were just putting on our happy faces and pretending to know what to do. We were just fucking around and having fun. I'd love to do it again some time. 

"That's because I am so in love with Michael all of the time," Luke says as he eats a chip or two and I'm glad he's actually eating. I don't know why he's doing this, but everything Luke does always has a reason behind it. So I'm sure in his mind he's come up with something compelling. 

"Good, I'm a pretty loveable guy. Hey, we didn't tell Ash anything at all about being back, should we go to his work and surprise the hell out of him?" I propose the idea and Luke just smiles lightly, resting his head on my shoulder and I assume that was a yes. Calum tells me that he didn't tell Ashton anything either, so the plan is solid. After we finish eating, we go and surprise Ashton at work. 

"Michael?" Luke speaks quietly so that only I can hear him and he sounds so upset. That one word - my name - was drenched in something heartbreaking and I don't know what it was. He's upset, he's on the verge of something, so I just hum a confirmation and he continues. 
"I want to go home. I want to see Jack and I feel so nauseated and I need some painkillers or something, please," Luke practically pleads with me in a whisper and he's really breaking my heart. He just needs to calm down a little, we can go and see Jack and make that a priority if Luke needs that. 

"We can go and see him first, yeah? I can try and find some panadol or something soon too Lu - hey, don't cry baby. What's wrong?" I have to ask him when he starts to shudder with silent sobs although I'm sure I already know the answer to that question. 

"Please - can you just go to a dairy or something and buy me a pack of cigarettes, I'm practically dying right now and I just need something. I just need something," Luke repeats and I don't know. I'm trying to get him to quit, but he's losing it right now and maybe smoking one more cigarette will keep him sane for a while longer. 

"What if I say no?" I try and I know it wasn't the best thing to propose right now because Luke's eyes well with tears and we can't really be doing this in public. Calum stays quiet, just observing, not making the situation any worse or better. Luke needs to stay calm down, he needs to remind himself that he's in control of his life, he's in control right now. 

"Please - just one? Just one - I promise, I just need one and then I'll be okay, I promise," Luke starts pleading quietly with me and it's embarrassing really, but he's so distraught and upset that I give in of course. Is this what Luke meant all that time ago about me being easy? 

"Okay, but you have to come with me. There's one near here, we can walk and then Cal can pick us up on the way through to Ashton's work. Is that okay?" I ask him and he just nods quickly, answering my question immediately and thanking me right after. He may be an asshole, but he still thanks me for these things. Sometimes I wonder why I've stuck with him through all of this. 

We all eat the rest of our food, Luke giving the rest of his chips that he couldn't finish to Calum and he's actually done a good job. He had enough food to class that as a meal and I'm really proud of him. It would have been a lot for the blonde, but he's trying so hard for me and for himself that it honestly means a hell of a lot. 

He can't stop practically trembling. He clutches his coffee cup with both hands as he sips from the drink, trying to ignore the trembling in his hands and he manages, but he's still frustrated regardless. I ask to try his drink, mainly because I'm curious as to how he can actually sip at it and not react horrendously, but also because I want to take his mind off of his hellish thoughts for a while more. So he hands the take away cup to me and I taste it. 

"How the fuck do you drink that shit Lu? I think you're going to stay up forever if you drink the rest of that - god," I say to him and he's invested in my words as per usual, smiling and laughing when I make a joke. I'm pulling his mind from whatever awful things we're going on and I'm just glad I can give him a little break. Even if it's just brief. 

"It's good, okay? I just love coffee," Luke explains, theatrically waving the cup a little as he says that, taking another sip and he's loosening up a bit more. He's laughing, having a good time and I'm glad. Without alcohol, it takes Luke a while to settle into different social interactions and I'm just glad he's getting there. 

"Hey Luke? You're a smart guy, do you believe in ghosts? Because I was talking to Ashton about it the other day and I wanna know what you think," Calum asks Luke out of nowhere and it's an odd one, but I too want to know what Luke's thoughts are surrounding the controversial topic. His reply is immediate.

"No. I think that when you die, you're gone forever. When Ben died, I prayed every single day for months for something supernatural to happen so that I could have his presence around me one last time, but I've never experienced so much as even feeling something eerie. Why? What do you think?" Luke explains his stance on everything before asking for Calum's thoughts on it all. By the way he slumps a little I can tell that his views conflict. 

"Uh, when my pop died last year a lot of weird shit happened. That's just my personal experience with all of that - yeah," Calum explains and he's immediately shutting himself down. It very clearly upsets Luke. 

"You're allowed an opinion Calum. My word doesn't dictate things like this. That's just my personal view of the whole thing. You're allowed an opinion," Luke reiterates and sometimes around the blonde having a different opinion feels wrong. He's a smart guy, as Cal said, so having a conflicting view with Luke automatically almost makes you feel like you're wrong. That's just how it is. 

"I'm really sorry about your brother Luke, I never should have lost it at you and said what I did at school. I know there's not really a valid enough apology for saying something like that, but I really am sorry," Calum ends up apologizing for everything he said about Ben, and it's about time. Luke simply nods a little, not good at things like this and I'm glad they're somewhat mending the terrible things that went wrong between the two. 

"We better get going. Lu and I will go to the dairy on the corner, just pick us up on the way through - we won't be long," I explain as we all stand up and Calum just gives me a double thumbs up, Luke taking my own hand while I speak and I can feel him practically trembling, but I think he's not as bad as he was before. It's the withdrawal that Luke promised me he'd never have. He's a good liar really, because I really took his word for it for too long and just stood by as he did hard drugs with a loose promise that he'd be okay in the long run. I guess I'm just gullible when it comes to Luke. 

"Michael, I really want to bury Ben's ashes. I want to give him a proper memorial because I miss him so much and I feel so upset and lost because he's never had the right send off. His story hasn't come to a content conclusion because we've never accepted his death, but I want to accept it. I still have some of his ashes at home and I want to properly go to a cemetery and give him what he deserves," Luke says to me as we walk to the dairy and clearly Calum's words got to him. 

"I'm sure you can do that Lu. Please don't cry lovely. I hate seeing you cry," And I stop us from walking any further right now because Luke is overcome with so much emotion that he's practically just sobbing here, on the sidewalk as we try to just go to the dairy at the end of this street. I place my hands on his cheeks, getting him to take a minute to just breathe and calm himself, because he needs to hold it together for a while. We're in public after all. 

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me recently," Luke apologizes, wiping the tears from his eyes and turning away from me for a minute. He's embarrassed, he's upset and trying to brush it all off. He takes a few slow deep breaths to just gather himself and I think he's mumbling some kind of pep-talk to himself. He's just been so odd recently and I don't know what's totally up with him right now, but I'm not a fan. 

"You alright?" I ask him, my voice quiet as I place my hand on his shoulder and he flinches. He practically jumps out of his skin at that touch and I didn't mean to scare him at all. He laughs it off and he tells me that he's fine, but he's antsy and scared. He's off, he's not as on to it as he usually is and it's weird to see. He decides to completely try to take my mind off of his odd behavior by telling me something that will completely distract me. 

"My mother knows we're in Sydney. She sent me a death threat. She said that she will get someone to come and take me back to France if I don't come back on my own accords. I suppose it makes me feel like I'm here illegally. Like I'm wanted. Like I can break the law here anyway because I'll get dragged halfway across the world at the end of the day regardless," Luke explains and he's being careless. He's thinking carelessly and recklessly. It's worrying. 

"Hey, I won't let anyone take you away from me. Don't do anything illegal, I don't want you to end up hurt," I say to him and he just nods, continuing to walk with me finally, but he trips over his own feet as we walk and almost completely trips over. Luke never trips, he never wavers or does anything out of place in this way, so that's what makes it all the weirder. He grumbles about it before he does something obviously reckless. He's being an idiot. 

"Jesus Christ. You know what? I can do whatever I want," Luke says and - no. No, no, no, that's not how this works. He's an idiot. He's the absolute worst because he just decides that - yeah, walking right onto the main fucking road right now is the best idea for him. I grab his arm thankfully before he can get hit by an oncoming car and he just laughs lightly as the car toots it's horn, the driver honestly pissed off at Luke and so am I. Really I'm just scared. Why did he do that? 

"What the fuck is wrong with you! You could've gotten yourself killed!" I find myself yelling at him and he's just so dazed right now with love and recklessness that he's seriously stupid. He just laughs lightly as he kisses me and I don't want this right now. I want him to talk to me. I want him to get his thoughts straight, he needs to come to his senses and explain what the hell that was about without the smiley, giggly, mentally fucked attitude. I just want him to be fucking normal. 

" 'Death aims only once, but never misses' – Edward Counsel . Adrenaline, Michael, is exhilarating. Clearly, I wasn't meant to die at that exact moment, so that's why I'm still here. I like watching my life flash before my eyes in times where death is close. There is nothing wrong with me," Luke explains and I'm just dumbfounded because none of that makes sense. None at all. 

"Can you just make some kind of sense for five seconds, Luke? I have no fucking clue what you're doing - you're terrifying me with you impulsiveness and dangerous behavior. I'm scared Luke, please just, calm down and think this all through," I say to him and it really gets to him. I see that floodgate open in his eyes where that fiery anger reignites and it's scary. It's awful. 

"Don't fucking tell me what to do Clifford. I swear to god - you act like you're so much better than me, that you're the perfect fucking boyfriend but you're not. You're fucking insufferable sometimes because you don't just let me do what I fucking want! I am this close to just shooting myself in the middle of the eyes and I wish I was joking," Luke gets aggressive with me and it's been a while. I flinch back at his anger filled words and tears brew in my eyes but Luke doesn't feel bad. Luke never feels bad. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Is all I can really get out before tears start falling, but Luke doesn't even feel slightly bad. He pushes me. He fucking shoves me and it's aggressive and terrifying to see from him. I would have expected this kind of reaction a month or two ago, but now we're engaged and trying to make this work? It's a bit much to handle mentally. 

"Fuck you! What the fuck is wrong with you ? You're fucking me over with all of this bullshit, ' Everything will be better in France, everything will be better in Sydney, ' it's complete bullshit Michael. Where will it be better next, huh? It's never fucking better Michael and I am losing my fucking mind. You don't seem to care very much," Luke starts off yelling, but it quickly becomes full of insecurity and loathing. It still stings regardless. 

"I care so much babe - I just-" And I cut myself off because I get all choked up and I don't know what to say because my heart is aching. I'm stuck in a one sided, practically abusive relationship with someone I truly love with my whole entire soul. It's the weirdest feeling and I hate everything about it. Luke very quickly snaps out of it and I see the remorse on his face immediately when he realizes what he just said and did. 

"I'm so sorry - I didn't mean - I don't know what's wrong with me," And hearing Luke stutter and panic shows me just how scared he too is of what just happened. I shouldn't continue to forgive Luke, but I love him almost too much, his tendencies to get away with these things being far too common. But my heart aches for him and I need to make sure he's alright. The answer is definitely no , and I really need Calum right now. 

Luke's panicking. This sort of thing has become rather reoccurring. Luke hurts me, he apologizes after snapping out of his pure rage, then he panics and gets worked up over it. It's repetitive and tiring, but I'm not going to leave him alone. I'm not going to let him panic if I can attempt to help stop it all. So when Luke starts to hyperventilate and sob like he did in my room all that time ago, I just hold him close as he shudders. I let him sob it all out because he's losing himself. He's losing it and I need to hold onto what I have left of Luke before he disappears for good. 

"Baby, please breathe for me, beautiful. In and out, you've got it babe. Shh, I'm alright, you're alright. We'll check you into rehab and you'll be okay," I speak softly as Luke struggles and that's what snaps him out of his panic. The promise of rehab that Luke is clinging onto. He begged for rehab weeks ago in a session with Jamie. I should have listened then. 

"I - I've changed my mind. I don't want to go and get cigarettes, I want to - I want to go and just see Ashton - or Jack or maybe even Jamie because weird things are happening in my brain and I'm scared," Luke explains, speaking into my shoulder because that's where he's buried his face whilst crying. It's that last part that really gets me and scares me. What does he mean? 

"What do you mean baby? Can you take a few breaths and try to explain it to me?" I ask Luke, always touching his hair when he's panicking, always whispering and being there for him despite the hell he keeps putting me through. He's scared of himself, of his mind and of what he does to hurt others. Luke's always been terrified of that, but everything is crashing down on him now after all this time. He flinches at quick movements, he practically jumps out of his skin at unregistered touch and it's so heartbreaking to see him so jumpy. 

"Everything is just - nothing makes sense and everything is screaming at me and I can't control my compulsions anymore and I just want to be normal. I just want you to be okay and me to be okay and for my brain to shut the fuck up," Luke explains, suddenly becoming rather stand-off-ish as he backs away from me a little and we can't be having this right now. He's trembling, he runs his hands through his hair, pulling on the ends a little and he's absolutely going through it. I don't know what to do. I need Calum right now. 

"You're okay, you're alright babe. Did you take your meds? I'm sure we can figure this out, let's just stay calm okay?" I ask him, trying to rack my brain for reasons behind his sudden worry and the terror in his eyes right now. If he weren't currently on the verge of an absolute breakdown I'd call Calum to get him here to help, but I'm not going to grab out my phone right now as Luke's barely holding on. If he really starts to dissociate and lose it then I'll call my best friend. 

"I'm sorry - I forgot - I'm so sorry -" Luke starts apologizing profusely and he doesn't need to apologize to me . The only person this is truly hurting is himself. He shouldn't feel the need to apologize to me for forgetting his meds. The side effects of not taking them seem to be enough of a punishment, he doesn't need me to forgive him. He doesn't really need forgiving. 

"Don't apologize, it's alright. We'll get back to Calum's car and you can take your meds, I packed them into your carry-on luggage, it's okay. Lu, why do you take anti-psychotics? I know you say you don't know, but if you do know why, I want you to tell me. I won't love you any less," I try to pry information from him while he's in a vulnerable state. It's awful of me, but if I'm ever going to obtain answers to these things, I have to ask him while his guard is down. He fiddles with his lip ring a little, biting the piece of jewelry as he debates telling me. Clearly he knows why he takes the meds despite his previous apparent confusion regarding why exactly he takes the medication. He's been lying to me to protect himself. I'm not mad, I'm just upset that he feels like he can't be open with me. 

"I don't want to tell you because then you'll think I'm crazy. Only my family knows," Luke explains with tears in his eyes and I know it's difficult for him, but I want him to open up a little. I know it's difficult, it's terrifying, but I want him to trust me. He can trust me, he can absolutely trust me and I will never judge him or think that he's crazy. It will just help me understand. I just want to understand Luke's mind a little more. 

"I won't ever think you're crazy baby. I won't tell anyone, we're family, you can trust me. I just want to understand what you're going through a little more. I just want to understand babe," I say to him and he just takes a few breaths, calming himself down so that he can explain to me what's wrong. 

"I just - last year I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I don't want you to think of me any differently. I'm not crazy, I just - I'm not normal and I hate that fact. I'm so scared, I'm sorry," Luke explains and I don't think I've ever heard of what Luke just said, but I can imagine that it's hard to deal with. He's already closing himself off right here now and I need to talk about this before he closes himself off fully. 

"Don't apologize to me Luke. Can you explain to me what that means? I've not heard of it before, I just want to understand what that means for you, yeah?" I say to him, asking for some kind of explanation so that I can understand just a little more. He takes a shaky breath, but he's fighting to open up to me. He's trying to trust me with this. 

"My emotions are really unstable. When I feel something I feel it like it's multiplied by a billion. I can't control mood swings and I can't stop the rage or the sadness or elation I feel when something small happens. That's why I'm so compulsive and impulsive , that's why I cut myself and get high and have good days and bad days. I know it's not an excuse for everything, but I just can't handle it anymore," Luke explains and it definitely explains a lot. 

"No it explains a lot Lu. It helps explain so much. Do you talk to Jamie about it? Does she help you work through it?" I ask him and he just nods. 

"My sessions with Jamie usually go very differently than they did when you were with me. Usually I do uh - emotion regulation therapy which I've been doing with her for the past year. I suppose that's why the new meds caught me off guard. That's why my relationships never last. I'm so scared of abandonment, I'm so scared you're going to leave me and I feel that so much more intensely than other people would. I feel love so intensely too and I don't want to lose you because I'm some crazy lunatic that just has brutal mood swings when minor things happen," Luke explains and it explains so much about him that I'm so thankful he's told me about this. 

"I won't ever leave you beautiful. This explains so much to me about you, yeah? It helps me to understand the way you react to things and it helps make everything make a little more sense. I would never ever judge you for something like this, if anything I want to kiss you and shower you in affection because it's helping me to understand what you're going through. It gives you a proper reason for your outbursts and it helps me gather what's going on. It's a good thing, I promise," I say to him and he just nods a little, trying to convince himself that what I'm saying is what he wants to hear. 

"I'm sorry for losing it at you. I just completely get flooded by my emotions, it just drowns me and there's no thought behind any of it. I think that the diagnosis just tore me apart more than it helped me. I just feel so - weird? I don't know how to explain it, I just didn't want you to know because my whole family almost outcast me when I was diagnosed. I just want my family to look at me like I'm still fucking human because I am. I just feel things too intensely. There's nothing wrong with that," Luke explains and I hate his family more than words. I think I always have. 

"What helps you feel the most at peace? How do you keep yourself above water? What do you need me to help you do so that you're feeling at your best," I decide to ask him because all I want is for Luke to feel and be okay. 

"Music. Playing any instrument and just being in the music. Or maybe science too, but I love playing the piano," Luke explains and I think that's the call to really be somewhere that a piano is. We need to stop in at his house, take a breather, talk to Jack, play music, take meds - Luke just needs to take it easy. He's being too difficult on himself. He's pushing himself to his absolute limits and it's hurting him more than it's helping him. 

"Do you wanna go to your place? Wanna go see Jack?" I ask him and he just nods, rather desperate for that actually. We continue to walk, down my the dairy and Calum is already waiting in the small car park. I inform him of the change of plans, that myself and Luke need to be dropped off at Luke's Norwest home and Calum doesn't ask any questions because he can see the dried tears on Luke's eyes and that tells him all he needs to know. 

Luke just rests up against me, falling asleep as Calum drives and the brunette is a much better driver than Ashton is. His driving is a good way to lull someone to sleep and honestly, I'm glad Luke's getting some rest. He really needs it. Calum is definitely a chatter, he likes to chat and so it's no surprise when he sparks up conversation with me regarding the blonde boy snoring lightly on my shoulder. 

"Ash told me about what happened the other day between you and Luke. Did he come and get you or did he leave you there?" Calum asks me and he's talking about when Luke practically kicked me out of the car and left me for dead. I don't know how to explain anything that happened at all, but I can try. 

"No, he left me and I met someone who spoke English. Luke called me about an hour later and he was absolutely wasted and high beyond words. I ended up finding him, then when I got to the club he was at, he was practically unconscious and a girl was touching him. They uh - they had drugged him and then they drugged me and I don't even know what happened. They did shit to us both, but I think Luke was overdosing because he had a seizure and we managed to get home somewhat in one piece," I explain the whole thing to him as I play with Luke's curls that are getting rather long now. Same goes for his stubble. He hasn't shaved for the past few days and I honestly think it's really sexy. 

"Are you alright? Do you want to talk about everything? I can imagine the past few days have been difficult," Calum asks me and I don't know if I want to talk about it all or not. I guess I can try. 

"They've been - beyond hellish honestly. Luke tried to kill himself, twice and I'm so scared that the next time he tries he won't survive. He's losing himself, he's been snorting cocaine every day just to feel alright and he hasn't been sleeping or eating and I just - he's going to go to rehab to try to get better. He's just so broken," I say to him, tears welling in my eyes and I wipe them away before I can let them fall. I don't need to be getting overly emotional. 

"He will get through this mate. Luke's very strong minded, yeah? You're helping him so much and he's going to be okay. If you ever need help with anything, I'm one call away," Calum says and it's reassuring to hear from him. I may need to rely on my best mates a little more, now that we're back in Sydney. 

Luke mumbles in his sleep, a few seconds of mumbling before he flinches into wakefulness, his eyes searching the car for something familiar before his eyes land on me and he immediately calms down. I always find myself saying hey , in some way to calm him down and it works this time too. I always say it and it's a weird thing to say, but he appreciates it and just says a light hi before he sleepily stretches a little like a baby kitten before resting his head on my shoulder once more. 

"Hey Michael?" Luke asks and he's doing this thing again where he feels like he needs some kind of permission to do small things like make conversation. I just say yeah and he sits up excitedly and he's in a good mood. A really good mood. It's nice to see. 
"Je suis si heureux d'être de retour ici, I love it here so much Michael. I love you so much I'm so happy," Luke explains, very happy right now and his joy absolutely radiates. I think I understand his over-stimulation of emotions somewhat now. He's a bit manic. 

"Yeah? Why's that, what's got you so happy? You're adorable," I find myself saying after asking what's got him in such a good mood and he just has such a beautiful dopey smile on his face as he looks at me. He's adorable, the stubble on his face is sexy, as is his lip ring and he sits comfortably in between being cute and hot. He's rather perfect. 

"I don't know, I'm excited to see Jack, I've missed him. He's excited too I think, I messaged him when we said we were coming home and he said he was so happy that we'll be back," Luke explains and I'm glad he's excited. As soon as Luke's finished his rambling we park up outside of his house and he very quickly hops out of the car, practically skipping to the front door to knock on the houses entry way. He's ecstatic. And when his brother opens the door he engulfs the older blonde in a hug that Jack reciprocates. 

"Hey mate, I missed you so much. How're you doing?" Jack hugs his brother tightly, his accent unlike his brother's, always sounding rather Australian when he talks. Luke just let's himself enjoy this proper hug for a while before he pulls a way to take a good, long look at his older brother. 

"You aren't drunk," Is all Luke points out and Jack just says ta-da, an interaction I didn't think the two boys would have, but did nonetheless. 
"Can we come in? I'm really tired, I just want to sleep in my own bed," Luke asks, avoiding Jack's question as a whole, leading the older boy to just stepping aside, letting all three of us in. I'm surprised Calum came in while Jack was here, but he stays silent so everything is alright for now. 

"You been eating and taking your meds Luke?" Jack asks and Luke just shrugs a little, walking immediately into his room, thankful to see it exactly how he left it. He flops onto the bed and us three just stand in the doorway, watching him like he's some endangered animal on an enclosure. He's discovered that Sydney really is his home and he has to stay here. 

"I am very tired, can I have a quick nap then catch up with you all soon?" Luke asks us and I don't see why not, so we leave him to rest. After all, he got zero sleep on the way back to Sydney, throwing up the whole way here. We leave him be, making our way into the living room and Jack has kept this place picture perfect, just as his mother would expect from him. 

"So, future brother in law, did you know that Luke used to fucking jerk off as he said your name? He's done it for fucking years," And my eyes widen immediately because that's what not the conversation that should ever be had. I don't want to hear that. I don't ever want to have heard that. What the fuck does he mean years? There's absolutely no way. Luke barely knew me last year, let alone the year before. There's no way he's been masturbating as he thinks about me for that long. If Calum were drinking liquid at the moment Jack said that, he would have split it everywhere. He didn't need to know that either. 

"We didn't need to know that. Please change the subject-" Calum ends up speaking when my mouth struggles to form words after that revelation and I don't know what to say. No one really does, but Jack is a natural conversationalist, so he continues as if he never said anything sketchy. 

"He properly has a thing for you, Clifford. I'm convinced that he only slept with other girls because he was that in love with you that he couldn't get over it. Seriously. Thank you so much for finally allowing him to be happy," Jack says and oh if only he knew the half of it about Luke's happiness . Luke is far from happy. Leaving him alone right now doesn't feel right. It's honestly terrifying. 

"Hey, uh - I'm just going to check on him because I don't feel great leaving him alone right now," I find myself trailing off, rather distraught to be leaving Luke if I'm brutally honest with myself. Jack just motions to Luke's room and that's all I need to see to leave Calum and Jack together, just to check that Luke is asleep.

When I open his door, the answer is very clearly no. He's not asleep, he's at his desk writing something rather manically and I think my presence startles him enough to just make him instantly sob. Either that or he was already sobbing before I entered. What's he doing? What's wrong? I just want him to be alright. 

"Hey, what's wrong baby? Why aren't you getting rest?" I ask him and my eyes flick down to the piece of paper he's writing on for just a split second and - oh. It's a note. It's much like his other one that he wrote back in France. It's a suicide note. Luke wanted to end it once and for all and he was writing a note for one of us to find along with his dead body. 

"It's not what it looks like! I - please don't be mad Michael, just let me go please, let me do this," Luke sobs as he tries to tell me that it isn't exactly what it is. But he immediately backtracks, telling me to let him do this and my heart is absolutely pounding in my chest. Whenever it comes to this my heart ends up pounding rapidly and I don't know what to say to convince him otherwise. 

"Lay with me? It's alright, lay with me and breathe," I say to him, holding his hand and guiding him to his bed, using his dazed mental state to my advantage right now. He lays with me, he curls up beside me, tears in his eyes, a sob threatening to escape his lips as he rests his head on my chest. He's finally really losing it. He can't be left alone. 

"Please let me go. I don't want to live any more Michael. I love you but I can't do it any more," Luke sobs and I hate that he feels this way. I hate that he's been hurt so terribly to feel this way. It hurts my heart that someone would hurt Luke so deeply. 

"It's going to be okay baby. You're going to be okay. Get some sleep, I'm right here, you can talk to me about this later. I love you, you'll be alright," I speak quietly, my voice somewhat lulling him off to sleep and he's honestly so mentally exhausted that he does sleep. He's going too far. He's getting too exhausted and allowing it. He's not getting rest and it's hurting his mental state so much. I don't think he slept much in France at all, let alone in the past twenty four hours. 

Once I'm sure he's asleep and will stay this way for a while, I exit the room to find Calum or Jack - both of which are sitting in the living room, watching TV and not making any conversation at all. They both turn at my presence and must see the terror and hurt in my eyes because they're quick to question what's wrong. I don't even know what to do anymore. 

"Luke tried to write a suicide note and take his own life. He's asleep now, I don't know what to do," I say, letting tears fall and both boys look very quickly as worried as I feel. I need help from Jack, I need to know what it is that will make Luke feel better and surely there's something from Luke's childhood that will make him feel better. Surely there's something that will raise Luke's spirits a little to give us time to book another session with Jamie so that she can get him to rehab. 

"Did he take anything? Michael, did he take anything?" Jack asks me and I don't know . I don't know anything about what's going on and I'm beyond terrified right now. Jack looks almost more scared than I do and he knows something that I don't know. 
"He writes his note after he's attempted. That doesn't make any sense, uh. He - in the past he's taken whatever he's taken to kill himself, then he writes the note. He got about halfway through the note last time before he passed out and I found him. Did he take anything?" Jack asks and I think my blood runs cold in that exact moment. I find myself quickly getting back into Luke's room, speaking his name loudly enough that it would wake him up if he truly were asleep. He doesn't so much as even stir. 

"Luke? Luke! Please baby, wake up. Don't you dare die - Louka, please," I find myself sobbing as I speak, shaking his shoulders a little in an attempt to wake him, but he doesn't even move at all or react in any way to my attempts at waking him. He's breathing lightly, I can gather that, but he's unconscious and he must have taken something because I can't wake him, neither can Jack when he too panics and tries to get the younger blonde to wake up to no avail. I feel like I can't breathe. 

"Shit - Luke? Can you hear me? Luke?" And I don't think I've ever seen Jack panic before, but now is one of those times. He too shakes his brother's shoulders, trying to get a reaction from the blonde and the younger boy's eyes actually flutter a little. He's hanging in there and I don't know what to do. I look around the room, trying to locate what it is exactly that he's taken and my eyes land on his sleeping pills on the table next to the note he had started writing. 

I race over to it, pouring out the remaining pills to count them in my panic. I counted them before we left and he hadn't taken any on the plane, so seeing as there are only three left and he had forty seven - fuck. Why did they ever allow him to have that many at his disposal in the first place? I can't breathe, my hands are shaking and I wish I could do something more. I wish I could help Luke like my parents would be able to right now. My parents . Paramedics. Jesus Michael - call for an ambulance. I can't move. 

"Michael, how many did he take? Talk to me Michael," Jack is speaking and his voice comes in out of the haziness of my overrun mind. It's like it fades in from the ringing of my panic and everything is all go. I can't panic and freeze up right now. I need to help the love of my life before he's gone. 

"Forty four - is he going to die?" I find myself saying, asking something I probably shouldn't have and Jack takes that confirmation of how many pills Luke took to scoop up the fading blonde into his arms, taking the boy into his ensuite to attempt to get the pills out of his system. It's not pretty, nor is it something I'd wish upon anyone - but I'm practically thanking the stars for Jack's overly quick thinking. 

He gets Luke to throw up. He grabs out a spare, still sealed toothbrush from the cupboards in the room, tossing it to me so I can quickly open it and give it back to him when I finally manage to get the bloody thing open. Luke's half conscious, he's hazy and barely holding on to wakefulness. Jack uses the plastic end of the toothbrush to trigger Luke's gag reflex as he holds him over the toilet. I'm so glad we got Luke to eat a meal and have something to drink before we came here, because the whole thing leads to Luke vomiting into the toilet involuntarily, choking up practically everything - and hopefully the medication too. Or at least some of it. 

Jack tells Calum to call for an ambulance and the brunette is very quick to do just that, grabbing out his cellphone and calling triple zero, immediately being put through and asking for an ambulance. I zone out Calum's presence entirely after that, focusing entirely on the love of my life who's shivering madly in his older brother's arms, the older boy cursing himself for not being there for Luke enough. Now isn't the time for that at all. Now is the time for us to fully commit to Luke living , all of us needing to do everything we can to keep him alive. 

Luke's eyes keep fluttering and rolling back when he fades in and out of consciousness and every time his body goes completely limp my heart feels like it sinks further and further in my chest. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I vaguely register Calum speaking with a panicked tone as he talks on the phone, and I register Jack just running his hand through Lukes hair how I want to right now. I'm holding Luke's hand, that's about all I can do right now and I can feel how cold he is. He's still shivering - he's still alive. 

Luke stays in this in-between state for a few minutes before he's out cold, only briefly opening his eyes briefly every few minutes and Calum tells us that the ambulance should be here any second now. It's been about ten minutes since I realized how many pills Luke had taken. It feels like it's been a lifetime. Simultaneously it feels like seconds. 

When Luke's eyes are briefly open, I notice how large his pupils are. He's not even mentally aware when he's awake, not at all, but it's somewhat reassuring when he keeps blinking awake for a second or two every now and again. I keep his hand in my own until I hear a siren in the distance getting a hell of a lot closer. Calum leaves the room at that, going to the front door to let the paramedics in and I think my heart really stops beating when I register that of course the paramedics are my fucking parents . This wasn't supposed to be how our welcome home party was supposed to be. 

I barely register anything. My mother tells me to breathe because she doesn't want to have to deal with me passing out from hyperventilating as well as Luke overdosing. She talks to Jack about what's led up to this, about what Luke took and how much he had taken, how long ago and how conscious he's been. Meanwhile my father is checking Luke's vitals and I could never do a job like this. My parents work so well together. They really are soulmates one way or another. 

Luke is somewhat awake, his eyes are open but drooping closed as he now lays on the floor in the recovery position and he's still shaky, his body reacting terribly to the amount of medication he took. I don't know how Luke's still awake. He ends up absolutely gone after one sleeping pill, let alone forty four like he's taken today. He's just so out of it. He is overdosing after all. 

He pushes away my father's hands lightly, barely able to move, let alone push my father's hands away as he's checking his vitals. My dad just ignores the whole thing, not allowing Luke to get agitated in this state, just allowing him to once again lose consciousness and float off into some world or darkness. He checks Luke's pulse, he also checks his blood pressure and he just stays quiet for a while before explaining that he needs to be taken to the hospital to have fluids pumped into him. 

I feel like I still can't breathe, I'm absolutely panicking but I need to hold it all together. Jack tells me to go with Luke in the ambulance and my mother assures me that he'll be alright. That Luke would probably be fine if he stayed at home, she just wants to ensure his recovery is smooth, seeing as his overdose was intentional. They can't get a stretcher into Luke's house, but they tell Jack that Luke's stable enough to be carried into the ambulance, so Jack lifts his brother effortlessly into his arms, following my parents out of the ensuite, through Luke's room and out of the house. I make sure I grab Luke's note on the way through his room so that I can read it on the drive to the hospital. I need to take my mind off of Luke's unresponsiveness. 

I find myself doing exactly that. I read the note as my mother drives the ambulance, my father in the back keeping an eye on Luke's vitals to make sure nothing drastic changes as we make our way to the hospital so he can get proper medical care and the note tears me to shreds. 

'I'm sorry. I know that I said I wished to go to rehab and to get better, but I'm tired of being so tired.
I love you so much Michael. You have shown me real and unconditional love that I could never repay you for. You're the absolute, undeniable definition of sunshine and I've never loved someone like I've loved you. I'm happy to have met you, I'm happy to have loved you with my whole soul, but I can't stand the fact that I keep hurting you.
You mean so much to me, that I'd rather leave our relationship here, beautiful, chaotic, young. I'd rather that than hurt you any more. I love you Michael. So incredibly much. 
Jack. I don't think you will ever understand how much you mean to me. You're all I've really had left of family since Ben died and I love you so much more than you know. 
I want you to talk to Calum, talk about Mali, about everything because you need to apologize to the Hood family. You broke Mali like Gray broke me. This is what happens to broken people. 
Can you tell Mum that she broke me too? Can you tell her that I hated her with my whole soul because she never cared about my feelings. She never cared about me, she never loved me as her son because she's a narcissistic, fame addicted woman. She's a con artist. 
I can really only blame myself. Just stupid just everything I'm so and I everything…'

It starts to not make much sense, the writing getting messier, the words falling off of their lines as tear splotches mess up a few words. It's so much. It's heartbreaking and my father takes it from me when I start to cry. He tells me that Luke will be alright, that Jack's quick thinking saved him from overdosing on his medication and I'm so glad that someone was a quick thinker in that moment. 

I have to sit in a waiting room at the hospital for a few hours before I can go in and see Luke. He's stable, he's conscious and I'm glad he's okay. He can't do this again. He has to get proper help. He has to go to therapy at the least, rehab if necessary or even a mental hospital for a while. I think he'd rather die than go somewhere like that, but I want him to detox properly, get better and love himself a little more. Walking into the private hospital room before Jack at his request is hellish. Luke's spacey but he's awake and very clearly not too aware of the situation. 

"Michael, hi," Luke mumbles and I just melt at that. He's so far gone on whatever the doctors have given him and just smiles lightly, nuzzling into his pillow a little as he barely manages to do anything. He's just cuddly and drugged up and I hate that it's come to this. 

"Hey baby. Feeling alright? I don't want you to ever scare me like that again. I love you," I say to him and he just nods a little, holding his hand out to me, practically ignoring the IV that's in the back of his hand, pumping fluids into him as well as a bit of morphine. They explained that it's to make sure he doesn't feel abdominal pain from the overdose. I trust the doctors more than anyone else. 

"I love you too. Why am I here? What's happening? Party?" Luke asks me, his voice a little slurred as he speaks and wow, he's really out of it and very unclear on what's been going on. He's ruining himself. 

"No baby. You tried to hurt yourself pretty badly, yeah? We have to stay here overnight and I'll be here with you the whole time. Do you remember what happened?" I ask him, explaining a little about the situation and Luke just hums a little, thinking about what's very clearly hazy in his mind. It's like it all hits him at once and I see his mood immediately fall. He's really slipping. 

"I took sleeping pills and wrote you a note. I'm sorry, I was very upset, I'm still very upset. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to die, I just want to be less tired and more me," Luke explains and I understand at least somewhat. Luke's a very depressed and broken guy, he's barely hanging on and every day we collectively as his family and friends have underestimated just how broken he really is. He needs proper help. 

"Oh I know love. That's why we're going to get you some help from professionals, is that okay? More people like Jamie who can help you find ways to deal with your depression?" I ask him and he just nods a little, saying that all he wants is to be happy again like when he was little. It makes me tear up but Luke tells me not to cry, so I hold it all in for him. 

The night at the hospital is hell. Luke sleeps the whole way through but I barely manage an hour or two. In the morning, when Luke is finally allowed out - it's raining, which is odd for the end of December in Sydney, but it fits the gloomy mood perfectly. Luke thrives in gloomy weather, as soon as we're outside he twirls around in the rain, ignoring the fact that he's getting absolutely saturated and he needs to hop into his brother's car so we can take him back to mine. I just want to see my parents on their day off and get Luke re-situated in my family home. He's made progress there.

We get dropped off home and Luke just holds my hand as we wait for the door to be unlocked by one of my parents. He's been a little all over the place this morning, but I suppose he's allowed to be. He's been sitting in a hospital bed for the past twenty hours or so. Luke likes being productive so he's practically itching to write when we get let in. My parents are happy to see us both, another Clifford family hug bringing us all together. Luke is practically drowning in affection from myself and my parents. He loves it. 

"It's much better to see you up and smiling rather than out of it like you were yesterday Luke. I hear France was really rough. Is there anything we can do as a family to help you feel any better?" My father speaks and Luke has always looked at my Dad with such admiration, now is no exception. Luke is in awe of having a proper father figure in his life, and I just know that my parents view Luke as an almost second son. It works brilliantly. 

"Just this. I like this," Luke says, referring to the hug from moments ago and my parents are both definitely huggers so that will work too. But Luke continues a little more seriously with what he says next. 
"Thank you for keeping me alive. I owe you more than I can possibly give. Just please don't have any alcohol in the house and - you're both paramedics. Can you hold on to my medication or hide it somewhere so that you can just give be the dosages when I need them? I don't want them to be at my disposal anymore or I will hurt myself again. Razors and knives too. Just kind of - kiddy-proof the house a little," Luke explains and I hate that he can't trust himself not to attempt injuring himself. 

"We can do that. We just want you alive Luke. We want you to be happy here," My mother explains and it's what I want too. I want Luke to be happy as a part of my family. Luke just nods at that a little before he asks something else of myself and my parents. 

"Also I need something - I'm going to quit, I promise, just while I'm detoxing from everything I usually take, I need to smoke to keep myself somewhat sane. Do you give Michael permission to buy me cigarettes? I'll pay him back obviously. Don't worry, he wouldn't ever try one, he's scared of lung cancer," Luke asks and I don't see a huge problem with it if he can eradicate Cocaine in the meantime. Cocaine is a big one for Luke. 

"Not inside of the house, but in the backyard. Michael, if I ever catch you smoking-" My mother starts and I assure her that I wouldn't ever and it's true. I'd probably rather do Cocaine again despite its tenancies to fuck me over, but my mother doesn't need to know about my past with the white powder.

"Thank you, thank you. Michael, I smoke menthol cigarettes, Jack says they're sold at that corner store by my house. Oh, also you're looking at me like I'm crazy - I promise I'm not. I have borderline personality disorder, I was diagnosed last year, I'm just in a good mood, that's all," And I'm so glad Luke is open with my parents to some degree. He's opening up, he's trusting them with something he told me and I'm proud of him. 

"Menthol isn't good for you Luke. They're worse than normal cigarettes, more addictive," My mother points out and Luke just shrugs that fact off before explaining. 

"Flavored cigarettes are great, I'm telling you. I've also been getting into that whole new vaping thing, it's fucking phenomenal. It's flavored, it's got nicotine in it, and you just have to charge it and you're sweet. They're really cool, I'm telling you," Luke explains and maybe sometimes he's too open about the not so great things. I don't mind either way, any form of positive communication with Luke is good. My father has to ask about what Luke said before. 

"What's borderline personality disorder?" My father asks Luke and the blonde looks like he's glad my dad asked him. He explains it more in depth than he did to me the first time. 

"It's a mental health disorder that impacts how I feel about myself and other people. I can't control or regulate my emotions. So when I'm happy, I'm really happy, and when I'm sad, I'm really sad. I have constant fears of abandonment, but I'm impulsive and have drastic mood swings that push people away, so it goes hand in hand. I go through bouts of paranoia and depression, but I also have manic episodes or moments when I get unfairly aggressive for no reason. There's been talk about renaming it emotion regulation disorder and I think that explains it perfectly," Luke explains and he's good with words. He never stutters, nor pauses. He just talks and talks and I love his odd mixed accent. It's great. 

"Is that why you - you know, snap at people?" My father asks Luke and the blonde just nods a little, answering his question wordlessly. 

"I can't control it. Small things set me off, like tiny little things and I just feel the floodgates open and I'm practically knocked over by the rage and it all just spills out an I can't do anything to stop it. It's like that with all emotions. Right now I'm quite neutral, but as soon as I feel something, I really feel it," Luke explains and it explains so many moments from the past with Luke. 

"Well, I think you two should get some rest, you both look knackered. As long as you have dinner downstairs, it's fine," My Mum explains to us and I'm so glad she said that. I want to make out with Luke in my room again. That's all I want in life and we find ourselves going a little further than that. A lot further than that. 

At six minutes past one in the afternoon, on Christmas Eve, I find myself being fucked by Luke Hemmings. I practically beg for it, something about the idea suddenly not leaving my mind. Losing my virginity during day time sex seems like a fitting fact to mine and Luke's relationship and honestly, the whole experience has me second guessing my stance on sex. 

Luke makes sure it's one hundred percent consensual, asking me over and over before asking me if I had condoms and lube or not. The answer is yes, bottom draw in my bedside table and honestly, I don't know why I have it, but I don't blame myself in this exact moment. I'm glad I did. 

"Okay - I'll fuck you so fucking well baby, you'll love it," Luke explains mindlessly, already opening the lube and getting three of his fingers nice and moist for lack of a better word. We're both naked, it's not the first time, and Luke keeps asking me over and over if I'm sure about this. I'm more than sure that I want it, and at that Luke inserts a finger and my eyes roll back as my back arches a little, bliss being an understatement. 

Luke kisses me as he has a finger inside of me, then there's two fingers, then three and my mind is spinning and I feel light headed in the best way possible. I'm beyond hard, my dick reacting to this whole thing in classic R18 cinema style and I just kiss Luke as he thrusts his fingers in and out of me, letting moans escape my mouth and his own. He's been waiting so long for this. 

Luke only pulls his fingers out of me to pull on a condom and lube it up. I lay here underneath him, moaning his name a little as he multi-tasks, kissing me passionately while doing everything else and we're probably being too loud but I don't care in the slightest. Luke gets off on me touching him all over, so I find myself absolutely touching him all over, moans escaping his lips as he tries to continue doing what he's doing, but failing because he's too in bliss. He snaps out of it for a moment to continue before the tip of his dick is grazing my ass and I lose my breath for a second before begging him to do it. 

And he does it. I feel everything black out for a second, I'm seeing stars and I feel in absolute bliss before everything fades back in and Luke is being gentle. I tell him to fuck me, as if he wasn't doing exactly that right now, but he thrusts back and forward a little and I find myself tilting back my head involuntarily, in absolute pleasure when he hits the fucking spot, a ripple of euphoria running through me because I've never felt so far in love. Luke is practically out of it as he's fucking me, but he's very wary of my limits and the fact that I've never done this before. 

Luke's eyes are vacant as he fucks me, but he's also so present and it hits me that this is what Luke looks like during sex. I can imagine I'm looking pretty similar. I end up coming all over myself when we finally reach our absolute climaxes and Luke comes in me. It's a fucking weird experience but we both just end up naked, laying beside one another, breathing heavy as we both process the whole thing. God I'm fucking in love with this boy. I don't think I'll be able to walk or sit down for dinner later, but I'm so in love with Luke that I don't care. 

"You've never done that before? That was the best sex I've ever had," Luke breathes out and I have no choice but to agree with that because it's the only sex I've ever had. For Luke however I can imagine there's quite the competition for who's first place in his books. We need to clean this all up and shower before dinner, so we do exactly that. We shower together, we make out and giggle like little girls, but there's so much love in every peck and I'm just glad Luke is alive . 

The only reason he didn't have to go to a mental hospital after his one night stay at the actual hospital was because he managed to bait them into accepting his current mental state as stable, just because he said he was going through a depressed episode due to his mental disorder. He says he doesn't need to be monitored by doctors, he has a mental disorder that's already been diagnosed and he tells them that I'll be watching over him anyway. He's already medicated for it, so really he doesn't need to be in a place like that. I think it would've made matters worse rather than better. 

Luke tells me that he takes cold showers, and I tell him that I'd rather anything else, to which he gives in just because he wants to be with me. What kind of psycho has a cold shower anyway? Steamy warm showers are the absolute best thing in the world. Luke mopes about it for a second before he just let's me wrap my arms around him under the spray of hot water and I'm glad he loves me because he just kisses me all over my jawline and lips. God he's beautiful. 

He's happy here, or he's at least he's in a good mood at the moment and it's hard to look at this blonde boy who's smiling into my kiss like he's the happiest person in the world - but to know that he tried to end his life yesterday. It's just hard to process. But right now as he lets me shave off his stubble in the shower, holding still for me so I don't accidentally cut him, he looks so happy. We manage and when Luke is clean-shaven, he looks so young. I sometimes forget just how young he really is. 

Luke is growing up quite a bit though. Especially as he's growing out his curly blonde hair, he's figuring out his style, he's growing into himself and his personality and he's really growing up. It's bittersweet to see. He still has a very light dusting of freckles over his nose and cheeks, so light you almost can't see them, but as I kiss over his cheeks and perfect nose often, it's not difficult to study every aspect of the blonde boy. He's got freckles on his shoulders and a few on his chest. As a freckle-less guy, I love everything about them. 

I can't help but notice that Luke's hips and legs are covered in more scars than I remember, most of his thighs and sides littered in uniform lines that have left lifelong scars on his person. He hurts himself so often and it hurts me that he'd ever want to do such a thing, but I know that it's his release and only time will heal such a thing. 

When we get out of the shower everything kind of happens in slow motion. Everything is alright for a while before Luke fully passes out for a second, straight into my arms and it scares the shit out of me. He's only out for that split second before he's groaning a little, his legs now no longer jelly and I don't know what the fuck that was, but terrifying would be an understatement. 

"You okay Lu? What was that?" I ask him when he nods to my previous question and he just rests his head on my shoulder for a second as he gets his thoughts to be a little less hazy. I don't blame him, after I passed out at his Paris house, I know just how mind scrambling it can be. He needs a minute and I'll give him as many as necessary. 

"Just - that was because of the hot shower. It's why I have them cold, the whole eating disorder thing just leaves me kind of spacey after a hot shower and I black out for a second. Thank you for catching me," Luke explains and in my eyes it's just another sign for him to fight to beat this. He doesn't want to talk about it any more, so it's left there, but regardless, now we're both subconsciously thinking about it and I know it's a lot. 

Luke tells me as I'm drying his hair that he wants to grow it out. He wants to just keep growing it out and see what he thinks about it when it's longer. I just like standing here, drying his hair as he mumbles his words because he loves this touch so much that he's practically getting off to this. He's such a horny teenager. 

"Pull my hair. Tug on my hair," Luke mumbles as I run my hands through his damp hair and I don't think I could ever do that to someone, even if they're mumbling in euphoria for it, but I find myself pulling on his hair a little as I run my hands through the blonde curls and he hums a little, very clearly liking it. Luke's eyes roll back a little as I do this and I hate that he loses himself this much when he's being touched, but it's just how his body reacts to this. He loves it a little too much. 

"Come on, let's go downstairs babe, want a coffee?" I ask him and he just nods a little, his eyes still closed for a minute as he stays in the moment as long as he can before we leave the bathroom, wrapped in our towels, going to my room to get changed into track pants and graphic tees because it's still cold despite it being summer. The rain has really dampened the day's mood - pardon the pun - but Luke is loving the snuggle under a blanket weather.

Chapter Text

He comes downstairs with me, sitting in the living room as I make us both a coffee and he asks for his coffee black once more. He's going back to his old ways and I find myself making a black coffee for myself too. Bringing them back into the living room, Luke thanking me for the warm beverage and taking it, sipping at the drink every once and a while as he lays up against me, humming something that I don't recognize at all. 

"What's with you and black coffee, hm? What're you humming?" I ask him and he just kisses my jaw line, thinking about it all a little before he gives me an answer. 

“I like the strength of black coffee. Also I’m kind of lactose intolerant -” Luke starts and I find myself laughing at that. Big, tough, Luke Hemmings is lactose intolerant. Of course. He doesn’t respect my laugh.
“It’s a serious thing, Michael Clifford. I don’t have it that awful, I just don’t drink normal milk. I use dairy alternatives if I’m going to eat dairy. Although I still eat regular cheese and I've had regular ice-cream and been somewhat alright,” Luke explains, not commenting on what he was humming and he’s too cute.

“Is almond milk good? Or soy milk? I’ve never tried either of them,” I say, asking him about his dairy alternative preferences and it’s honestly such an odd conversation to be having after absolutely everything that’s happened with Luke in the past few weeks, but I don’t think there’s any other conversation we’d be having right now. Our conversations are always odd.

“I like almond milk more. My family tries - rather unsuccessfully - to live a pescatarian lifestyle, so not eating meat that isn’t fish, so when I had that chicken salad a while ago, or what I’ve been having at your house for dinner - It’s the most meat other than seafood or duck occasionally that I’ve had ever. I don’t know,” Luke says to me and he should have told me or my parents.

“You should’ve told me, I feel terrible now, is that why you got the vegetarian pizza ages ago?” I ask him and I don’t know why I remember what pizza toppings he got, but apparently I remember small, unimportant things about Luke and I suppose that that’s what makes us just work.

“Your family is giving me a home and love, Michael. I don’t want to just rock up here and then be ungrateful and request a different dinner to the rest of you. It’s fine, I just - I don’t know if I can do it anymore,” Luke explains and he didn’t have to ever do it , he should have told me the truth and we could have figured something out. My parents asked him a million times about his dietary requirements, why didn’t he say something then? He’s a sucker for punishment I suppose.

“You don’t have to Luke. I’ll tell my parents, we’ll sort out something, you should have told us,” I say to him and he just thanks me quietly, sipping at his coffee again and just distancing himself from all of this. I get up to chat to my parents about all of this and they have the same view as myself. That Luke should have said something and they would have figured out alternative meals either for all of us or for Luke if we were eating meat that night.

The chat ends up longer than anticipated and when I re-enter the lounge, Luke has placed his half full cup of coffee on the coffee table - conveniently - and he’s curled himself up on the couch. He’s snoring lightly, something that I tease him about but honestly love to hear and I’m just glad he’s getting a bit more rest.

I manage to situate myself next to him on the couch without waking him and I’ll always love the feeling of Luke’s warm body pressed against mine as he snores. I lay here for a long while, pressed against his body and he’s adorable. Honestly, and when my mother walks into the room to ask us something but see’s us curled up, I quickly shush her and her eyes soften at that. She’s glad that I found someone who loves me beyond words.

“I just came to ask if you both wanted to come to the supermarket, maybe even the mall to do last minute Christmas shopping and to find something for dinner?” My mother asks me and I’m sure Luke would love that, so I find myself reluctantly waking him gently and he just grumbles and stretches a bit before his eyes lock onto mine and he mumbles a light, hi .

“Hey beautiful. Mum asked if we wanted to go to the mall and the supermarket? Buy last minute Christmas presents and something for dinner?” I ask him and he sits up a little, smiling toward my mother who he only now is registering and he rubs the sleep from his eyes before he gives me an answer.

“I still haven’t seen Ashton, is he working tonight at the supermarket? I want to go, I need to buy presents,” Luke explains, asking if Ash is working and I would only assume that he is working pretty much every night because we’re finished with school and it’s a good excuse to make a hell of a lot of money. Or at least as much as he can on minimum wage. My mother leaves at that, telling me that she'll go and get ready then find us when it's time to go.

“He should be working, yeah. Wanna get changed or just go out wearing this? It’s nice enough, yeah?” I ask him and he just nods about this being alright. This is the most stereotypically masculine thing Luke’s worn in a long time, but everything suits him regardless. Just track pants and a graphic tee and it's what Luke always used to wear at my place, but it looks so foreign to Luke recently. I guess you could say that his fashion has definitely evolved. 

"Hey Michael? Sorry, do you have black jeans? I don't like wearing track pants out of the house," Luke explains, backtracking a little and of course I have black jeans. I find them for him, he gets changed and we're ready. That is after Luke decides last minute that he needs to put on a hoodie to complete this look. I know that it's because although he's in a good mood, he's self conscious and he wants to cover his body with an oversized hoodie. He searches my wardrobe for a long while before he finds one that he likes and I'm glad he found something. 

It's a tie-dye like hoodie, a white base with yellow, pink and an almost grey blue decorating the fabric. He loves it, he says it smells like me, and he let's the clothing just swamp him. He loves it though, so I find myself also loving it. We go downstairs, Luke makes sure he's got his phone and his credit card and I grab my wallet too. Not that I have too much money, but I have been saving up my Christmas and birthday money for a few years so there's something like two hundred dollars somewhere. I really should get a job. 

"Michael, we can buy a present for Calum and Ashton and drop them off at their houses tomorrow, right?" Luke asks and I don't see why not. We don't have any Christmas traditions in my family, so tomorrow will probably just be like any other day with presents and better food. I'm sure we can pop around to the other boy's houses to say hello and drop off whatever we find tonight. The mall is bound to be packed tonight, but I'm sure we can figure out how to go about everything. 

"Course lovely. Let's just focus on right now first, okay? Still gotta get to the car and get to the mall, yeah?" I ask him and he just nods a little, actually looking joyful and it's a good look on the blonde. We make it to the car with my mother, Luke and I sitting in the back and as soon as we put on our seat belts, Luke rests his head on me. I can tell that despite his good mood, he's extremely exhausted after yesterday and I just allow the contact. Not that I'd ever not let Luke rest against me. 

"It's so weird how everything goes back to normal so quickly after a suicide attempt, Michael. I tried to kill myself and I feel like I died, but now I'm back and life goes on. It's scary," Luke states quietly, his voice barely audible over the rain pelting down on the car and he only wants me to hear this. I shift a little so he moves his head off of my shoulder because I want to look at him as we speak. I want to take in his current state too. 

"Do you want to talk about it? Or anything at all?" I ask him and he just nods a little, trying to think of a way to bring up what he wants to talk about. That little nod he always does has become somewhat of a trademark of Luke's communication with me. It's such a slight movement, but it's there and it always helps. But now I give him some silence to recollect his thoughts. He needs a minute or two. 

"Do you think Jack and I look alike? I know it sounds off topic, but it's important," Luke explains and I don't know what to answer with. Lie in hopes that he wants an answer in which I blatantly avoid the truth to tell him he looks nothing like his brother. Or tell the truth and say that every single day that goes past he seems to look more and more like his older brother. Maybe it's the hair. Jack's hair has always been longer than Luke's, but now that the blonde is growing it out, it all fits together. 

"I personally think you look practically identical. Why's that?" I ask him and he allows himself a moment to think about it all for a second before he explains. 

"Jack and I look like our mother and Ben always looked more like our father. It's odd to me how Jack and I ended up more like my father, whereas Ben just - he was perfect. I think that I felt his presence when I tried to end my life. I felt something and I feel like I saw him, which is crazy but I feel him and I don't think he wants me to leave you yet. I think he wants me to stay alive," Luke explains and my breath catches in my throat a little as Luke speaks because he's talking from his heart once more and I have to say something before he closes off again. 

"I know that that's what he wants Luke. I know you miss him and I'm sure he misses you too, but he knows you'll end up with him when you're older, so he knows that you belong down here with me for now. You're stuck with me for many many years to come," I say to him and he just nods once more, wiping at a tear that threatened to fall before Luke decided to wipe it away. 

"I think he's what's kept me alive this time around. I think he snapped some sense into me, because I don't want to leave you any more. I want to stay here and talk to you and to Calum and Ashton so I can be happy. I don't want to be where my Dad is, and I know I'll see Ben one day. He's the only reason," Luke explains and although he refers to Ben as his savior, rather than myself in a way, I am still glad he's turning his views on the world around a little. He's by no means in a great mental state, but this is better than yesterday at least. 

"I know that you're going to be okay Luke. Ben loves you so much, so does Jack and myself and the boys, yeah? Did you want to talk about anything else?" I ask Luke and he hums for a second about it before providing a subject matter. 

"I don't know what's happening with university anymore Michael. I can't live in France, I tried and you saw what happened. I want to study to become a doctor, but I don't know where. I don't want to ruin your plans either," Luke explains and the last person he should worry about with university is me. I don't need to go to university if it's an issue, but I think Luke's talent would be wasted should he not go to university. He should do a medical degree, along with a science one. He could do it. Definitely. 

"Universities are good here Luke. You'd be wasting your brains if you didn't go to uni I think. Find one here that tickles your fancy, and be what you want to be," I say to him and he just sighs, grumbles maybe and I don't know what I said wrong. 

"I don't know. Too many people know me, I'm not an Australian citizen, English isn't even my first language - I don't want to be outcast before I even start," Luke explains and he doesn't have to worry about that. People will probably just ignore his presence as per usual because he's a closed book. He wouldn't have to worry about dorms or roommates or anything along those lines. All he will have to worry about is going to lectures, studying and going to exams. The exact same as high school, just more difficult. I believe it will positively affect his current mental state. 

"You'll be fine baby. Your English is perfect, you're practically an Australian, and no one will outcast you. Just do you, like you always have and I know you'll ace everything. You know, off topic but I think my parents should teach you to drive. You have your learners, do you want to learn?" I ask him and he just nods, quite enthusiastically and it's surprising. I didn't think Luke would want to learn how to drive, but he's proving me wrong. Maybe tomorrow, the streets should be quieter and it's supposed to be a nice sunny day rather than today's wet conditions. 

"I just want to be like you and like Jack. Jack can't really drive though because he got a DUI so he's got to follow all of these rules and whatnot, but he's a really good driver. He's better than anyone else I know, but he used to call me, drunk in his car, driving home under the influence and that was always scary because he would be endangering himself and others. He stopped doing that though thankfully, but he meets up with friends and just has joy rides all the time. I long for that," Luke explains and I didn't expect any of that. Mostly Luke's longing for that kind of thing. 

"What do you long about it?" I ask and his reply is almost instantaneous. 

"I just want to be like Jack. Have his friends, be like him and be loved like him. I look up to him so much and I want to be like him,” Luke says to me and I just hate that he views his brother in such a high light. I get that his brother is a role model to him in a way, but his brother is rather problematic and not a great person to look up to. Almost any other person is a better role model for Luke.

"Maybe try to be the best version of yourself before you worry about who else to be like, yeah Luke? You're a wonderful person, you mean so much to me," I say to him and he just rests his head on my shoulder once again. My mother keeps checking on us in the rear-view mirror and she has a soft smile on her face. Really I am thankful for her, recently I’ve realized just how unfairly hateful I’ve been toward her in my teen years. Now that I’m growing up a little more, I can see that all she’s ever done is care about me. I wish I weren’t so angsty throughout the past few years.

We manage to get a park in the mall, which is honestly a miracle and Luke tells me over and over how excited he is to buy me something secret for tomorrow. I get that he’s the richest person on the planet - no joke, but he shouldn't be spending excessive amounts of money on me. Especially when I can't repay him at all. But I know he'll go over the top, not just for me but for all of us. He tells me that he's never splurged on anyone before and that definitely means he's going to splurge now. 

He holds my hand tightly in the mall and my mother tells us to just go and do what we want to do whilst she goes and gets a last minute present. Luke is so outwardly joyful, he has a spring in his step and a beaming smile on his lips and he's honestly adorable. I need to find him a Christmas hat, that's the first thing I need to find, then I need to wrack my mind for something I can get for a guy who can afford anything. It needs to be something good. 

"Ooh, Michael, let's go into that shop. Can we go there?" Luke asks me, pulling on my arm and pointing to a shop that looks intriguing. It's one of those crystal stores, the ones that smell overwhelmingly like incense and I've been dragged into these places by Ashton time and time again in the past few years enough to know that I'll probably end up with a headache due to that incense smell. But Luke wants to go in there with him, so I'll never say no.

"Are you a spiritual believer Hemmings?" I ask him as we walk into the store and he just gives me an unreadable look that perfectly answers the question whilst still being a mystery. 

"I believe in spirituality, positive and negative vibes, but I don't think crystals do shit. Also I think tarot cards are a bunch of crap. I'm a fan of incense though, and astrology," Luke explains and I didn't pick him to be the type to like such a thing, but I think it's cute. He loves everything in here, practically bursting at the seams with joy right now and it's a great look on the blonde. 

He's got a bright smile on his face, a genuine, toothy smile that creases lines by his eyes to just make him look absolutely perfect. He's looking at a necklace, one that's got some star sign on it, along with a few small almost salmon pink crystals and he points at it like a toddler pointing at something like a puppy or a kitten and I've never seen Luke this excited about something so small. It's actually kind of funny. 

"Can I get it? It's the star sign for Scorpio and you're a Scorpio and I want to have something to remind me of you when we aren't right next to each other. It also looks like an M, which is odd," Luke explains and I know nothing about star signs, just that - yeah - I'm a Scorpio. I don't know anything about what that exactly means, but Luke is ecstatic and I like seeing him so happy. 

"Do you want me to buy it for you? I know that material objects are kind of - not really the best presents, but I want to buy you something that's more than just a present. You know?" I ask him and he just places his hands on my cheeks, kissing me too passionately for the middle of one of these stores, but he's absolutely in love and ecstatic, so it doesn't really surprise me. 

"I love you so much. It's got a meaning behind it, it means so much to me - thank you, thank you!" Luke kisses me again and he's honestly adorable. I end up buying him the necklace and he wants to put it on now, but I tell him that he'll have to wait until tomorrow. He pouts, his lip ring looking out of place on his soft features and I don't know how it still manages to work. Out of place, but working. Luke's strange.

"Hey Lu, would now be a good time to tell you that you're practically just a glorified ginger?" I ask him, teasing a little because his natural hair color is suspiciously almost ginger, along with whenever he had stubble and I see the immediate pained hurt in his eyes - he's joking - at that statement and he's the cutest boy ever. 

"I am not. My hair is blonde, it's Hemmings blonde Michael," Luke says to me and I love that he can refer to it so specifically with his own last name as if that were a hair color shade. He calls me a pitiful natural blonde and that just makes me laugh out loud. He runs his hands through my hair which is still that neon green color and it really is a statement. 

"When you had your scruffy stubble - that my dear boy was practically ginger. Your regrowth too is a blonde ginger in the right light," I say to him and he just rolls his eyes, telling me that I'm delusional. I think he's just in denial. We leave the store at that and Luke keeps our hands interlaced as we walk aimlessly around the mall. I'm still getting used to the engagement ring that I haven't taken off since Luke proposed to me with it and I don't ever want to take it off. Everything is going great, really, but nothing lasts forever with Luke and so when everything goes down hill, I hate that I'm not surprised. 

"Hey, you're that fucking twink who went to our school. Out with your fucking princess of a boyfriend are you? Jesus Christ, you two are disgusting," Someone near us raises their voice, catching our attention and all we can really do is try to ignore it. Luke tries, really he does a good job on his behalf, but it's not him that needs to ignore people. It's the fuckwit who said that. He continues when he doesn't get a reaction. 
"Don't fucking ignore me you two shits. You thought you owned that damn school Hemmings, well this is the fucking real world now and you need to stop being such a fucking sissy-" It's that jackass from history class and he gets all up in our faces to speak. Luke loses his shit. 

"Shut the fuck up! Why do you people always insist on screwing other people over? If you don't take that shit back I swear to god I will knock your lights out or so God help me," I have to hold onto Luke's hand so he doesn't get all up in this guys face, but I know that Luke has the strength to just pull his hand from my grasp if he really wants to beat this guy's brains out. He's overly pissed off. 

"You think you're so fucking clever Hemmings. You're nothing more than just long words and boxed up anger. Listen kid, you're nothing special. Neither is your twink of a boyfriend and your sorry excuse of being a fucking dude you sissy," He says and I think I let go of Luke's hand purposefully because this guy really has it coming. Even I contemplated wanting to punch him, but I know Luke will do a much better job. He throws a good first hit, he always does, but I need to pull him away from this guy because he'll end up seriously hurting him. 

"Lu? Luke - calm down, let's take a walk - come with me," I speak calmly, practically dragging him away from all of this and he's so enraged right now, cursing the guy out in French as I pull him away from all of this. I don't know how Luke always gets away with things like this, but everyone goes back to what they were doing and Luke just needs to take a breather. I take him into the bathroom here, allowing him to catch his breath and calm himself down a little. He's quite frankly losing it right now. 

His breathing is quick, he runs his hands through his hair, tugging at the ends as he curses out that guy endlessly. He wants to scream, I can just tell by the way he's tugging on his hair and on the verge of tears, he just wants to scream to let out his anger. Maybe not here, but in the middle of a field in the absolute middle of nowhere. It would be a good idea there. 

"He doesn't know what he's talking about Luke. Don't worry about him, it's sorted out now, okay? You're alright, you didn't go too far, it's alright," I say to him, wrapping him in my arms and he just rests into my touch, breathing and calming himself. He manages after a while and I'm glad he gets it all under control. He let's me kiss him, then again I don't think he'd ever tell me not to and I just press little kisses across his cheeks and nose where his freckles are speckled. He just smiles, humming a little and we should get out of here. Luke wants to find something to splurge on, it's going to be crazy. 

Luke ends up dragging me into a music shop that has guitars and basses lining the walls and Luke is in his element. He could buy every guitar in this store, but he just likes being surrounded by such beautiful instruments. The worker here that greets us is very friendly, Australian accent very overwhelming after being surrounded in French accents for a while and I hate that I must sound pretty similar to the worker, but it's homely sounding regardless. 

"Do you guys both play? Your hair is rad mate, you both look like Rockstar's," He asks when he sees that we're both looking fondly at the guitars on the wall and that's the first time anyone's ever said something like that to me. It just makes me laugh lightly and Luke just clutches my hand, clearly nervous with all of this social interaction, so I decide to do the talking. 

"Yeah, we both play, do you? I would assume so, working in a guitar shop and all," And I hate that I'm so awkward, but sometimes that's just how these things go. Luke just smiles lightly at the gut, he's no help in these situations, but the worker is the natural conversationalist type, so of course he doesn't register the awkward energy we're drowning in. 

"I'm more of a bass guy myself, but I respect guitar so much, being a good guitarist is a crazy cool skill, you know?" He says and I find myself awkwardly laughing a little, saying yeah and I don't know how to continue conversation. So Luke continues it and he's a fucking asshole. 

"Michael is a really great guitarist. Michael you should play something," Luke says and that's the last thing I want to be doing in front of strangers, let alone Luke who's the real guitar enthusiast. The worker however thinks it's a great idea and he tells me to grab a guitar off of the wall, saying that he can plug it in to an amp so I can properly play something. Luke gives me a cheeky grin and he's an idiot. I'm nowhere near as good as he is, why is he doing this to me? 

"Luke, you should play? Luke's far better than I am, you should show him," I say and now we're just trying to pass this around to one another. Luke flips me off but knows in his heart that I won't play something unless he does and really, although Luke hates attention, he also seeks it. He's a conflicting box of mystery that boy, but he grabs a Gibson Les Paul off of the wall and plugs it in to one of the amps with the workers permission, sitting on a stool and he's going to show off, I know. 

"You know 'Snow (Hey Oh)' by the Red Hot Chili Peppers? It's one of my favorite guitar riffs to play," Luke explains and I know that it's difficult, but I can't remember how it goes. I think it's notorious for being difficult. Of course it's one of Luke's casual favorites to play, so he makes sure the guitar is in tune, the amp is not too loud and he asks for a pick before he just plays it. And it looks like a right pain to play, but Luke looks so comfortable playing the difficult guitar line. The worker is beyond impressed. 

It's not just that Luke playing the riff, it's that he's mouthing the words to the song as he plays too and I've never been able to do that. I'm either playing or singing, not both simultaneously, but Luke manages just fine and he's insane. He stops when he's been showing off for long enough and he passes the guitar over to me. I can't follow that up at all. We're very different levels of guitarists, let alone everything else and I don't know what to do. 

"Come on Michael, you're better than me, you don't give yourself enough credit," Luke says to me and there's no way I can top that. All I know is that I can play the stupid riff from 'Sweet Child O' Mine' which people think is apparently difficult, but just requires a little bit of practice. The only issue is that I have no rhythm, I always play with music playing in the background or a drum track at the very least. 

"Hey Luke, do you know the drum bit at the solo for Sweet Child O' Mine? Can you play it so I can stay in time?" I laugh awkwardly and there's a drum kit close and so the worker says that we can definitely do that and Luke knows the drum line, so it's perfect. It reminds me of the jam session at Luke's place in France, Luke playing the drums as I manage to perfectly play the riff all the way through, a smile on Luke's face the whole time and I'm still in awe of his drumming. 

"You two should make a band, you could get real famous, I'm telling you. That was awesome. If you need anything just give me a yell," The worker says and Luke just laughs lightly, genuinely and this guy clearly knows nothing about Luke and it's refreshing. I just thank him for that comment and I can see just how much Luke is having to hold himself back mentally from buying a new guitar. He doesn't need a new one, he has so many in his possession, but he has a very obsessive and addictive personality. I'm sure he'll slip. Surely. 

"Michael?" Luke asks and it's quiet and shy, and I know what he's going to ask. I just hum a little in acknowledgement and he stays quiet for a second before whispering his question lightly. 
"Do you like that Japanese Fender Stratocaster? It reminds me of you, do you want it?" He asks me and I could never ask for that at all. Especially as it's worth about one and a half grand. There's so way at all. 

"It's quite expensive Lu. I don't want you wasting your money on me," I say to him and he just places his palm over the price tag before speaking again. 

"Look, now there's no price at all to worry about. I can afford approximately sixty million of these Michael, prices don't matter. I want to get you a good Christmas present. What's your favorite guitar here then?" He asks me and I know he won't let it go, so I may as well be honest. 

"Probably the Joan Jett Melody Maker if I'm being honest. But it's more expensive so I don't want you to waste money when the Stratocaster is sick too," I say to him but I know exactly what he's going to say, so it doesn't surprise me at all. 

"But you like the Gibson one, so should get you that one, yeah? It's either this or-" He looks at the price tag of the Joan Jett before continuing. 
"$1,800 worth chocolates or something. Please Michael, let me buy this for you. You've got a steel string and an electric at your place, one more isn't going to hurt, I promise," He says and he's really insisting on this. He'll just argue with me if I tell him once again not to buy it, so I allow the splurging to happen just this once. 

"Alright. I love you so much, thank you Lu," I say to him and he just beams with pure excitement about this. He doesn't need to do this, but Luke does many things that he doesn't need to. We talk to the worker about purchasing this guitar and a pair of far too expensive drumsticks for Ashton for Christmas. Luke ends up paying for them with his card, thanking the worker sincerely for everything and Luke didn't need to do that, but I'm honestly excited beyond words. Luke insists on holding it too, rather than making me carry it around and he's probably really glad that he got the black travel bag to go with it, so he can just transport it easily. 

When we meet back up with my mother, she just tuts a little and I explain that I tried to get Luke not to do this, but he's stubborn. And she's not mad, she knows about Luke's great financial situation after his father died, so he sneakily gets away with it. Luke tells me that he needs to go to one more place secretly before we leave, telling my mother and I to stay here for a minute until he gets back. 

He isn't gone long and he doesn't seem to come back with anything, but he gives me a thumbs up and so we're on our way to finally see Ash. We're both beyond excited, Ashton still doesn't know we're back so it's going to be a great Christmas Eve surprise for the older boy. We park in the car park that I remember Luke vomiting in before my mother tells Luke and I to just run along and find Ashton. And we do just that. 

We practically run into the store, right to the back where the deli section is and we're making a scene, so Ashtons head pops up from what he's doing, but the look on his face of pure shock is so worth it. It's like he does a double take, then realization hits, then denial, and it's like he's going through the five stages of grief before it all finally clicks and he absolutely beams. 

"Michael and Luke? How the bloody hell are ya?" Ashton asks, joy in his voice and a beaming smile on his face. He's the most stereotypically Australian out of my mates, but he's always so happy and joyful simultaneously and now is no exception. He takes a step out of the department so he can wrap us both in a tight and friendly greeting hug, something I've definitely missed in the past while. He holds me close for a long while before he moves on to greeting Luke, the younger blonde just awkwardly waving a little before Ashton wraps him too in a hug. Luke needed this. 

"Jesus, did you miss us that much? How's work been?" I ask him, punching his arm lightly as I speak and he just looks so in awe of the both of us, like he's shocked beyond words as to the fact that we're already back. He's kind of speechless. 

"Of course I missed you two, you've grown up a lot in about a week, jeez. Why didn't you tell me that you were coming back? I would've taken the day off work to hang out with you. Work's been shit because Christmas is tomorrow, but how've you two been?" Ashton asks us and he's just so smiley that I don't want to tell him about Luke's overdose. Luke is holding my hand though, and he just squeezes it lightly, but I don't know what that's supposed to mean. Luke decides to speak regardless. 

"We changed our plans about coming back because we were both really struggling in Paris. We were going to come and see you yesterday, but I did something stupid," Luke explains and I just know that Ashton is going to ask. Some people would just leave it at that, accept that Luke doesn't want to talk about it because he didn't openly say straight away, but Ashton really does care and wants to know. 

"You alright? What's up, what happened?" Ashton asks and Luke just shrugs a little, squeezing my hand again and he tells me to explain. I guess I can, seeing as Luke actually wants me to and because Ashton doesn't need to serve anyone. The shop is conveniently mostly barren. 

"Yesterday we got home and went out for lunch with Calum because he picked us up from the airport. Then we went to Luke's place to say hello to Jack and Luke intentionally overdosed, so we we're up at the hospital last night," I explain to Ashton and I don't need to go into crazy detail for him to understand. It's quite a big thing that really flips the mood and Ashton doesn't need to say anything if he doesn't want to, but he says just the right thing every time. 

"Luke mate, I know people have probably told you this before, but as someone who's attempted to commit suicide before, I feel as though I need to tell you that it will get so much better. Life gets so much better as you get older, and I regret ever trying to do that to myself. I overdosed on sleeping pills when I was sixteen and I had to stay in the hospital for a while, then I had to spend a few days in a psych ward, before I was allowed home. If I could go back and tell sixteen year old me that it would get so much better, I wish I could. If you ever need to talk about anything, or if you ever need a break from Michael but don't want to be alone, come and hang out with me. I'm usually available," Ashton explains to Luke and Luke just looks relieved . 

"Thank you. I really needed to hear that. Do you - uh - know anything I should do to get out of this headspace? I'm feeling better than yesterday, but only to a small degree, you know? What did you find to tell you to stay?" Luke asks Ashton and it's quite a personal thing to be asking about, but Ashton is a very open and honest guy. So his immediate response doesn't surprise me. 

"Well, it's different for everyone, yeah? For me, I held onto the fact that if I was gone, then my younger sister and brother would be quite alone. I stuck in there for them because I want to see them grow up and be the best people they can be. I also thought about all of the music that I won't get to hear in the future if I don't stick around, you know? Maybe you could think about Jack and your Mum, yeah?" Ashton explains before asking and I think Luke's mother is pretty much good as gone in Luke's eyes. He's already burning bridges with her. 

"I don't want to think about my Mum. She's threatening getting a conservatorship, meaning she can fucking control me and my money because of my mental state. That means she can cut off mine and Michael's engagement if she wanted to, she could make me take medication that I don't want to, she could make me never leave France or wherever she wants me. That's why I have to fix my mental state, so she can't legally do that. I just want to be in control of every aspect of my life," Luke explains and that sounds beyond fucked up. No one should be allowed to do that. 

"I suggest seeing a professional. I know you already see Jamie, but maybe try and talk to another person as well, like a therapist rather than a psychiatrist," Ashton explains and Luke just nods. He's thankful for Ashtons wisdom. 

"Yeah, alright. Thank you Ashton, you mean a lot to me," Luke says, surprising me, but that's that and Luke clearly wants to move on. I'm glad Ashton is such a caring and lovely guy. He always forgives people and he never holds grudges on anyone. Luke should take up Ashtons offer at some point, he needs time away from me, it's not healthy to always be around solely one other person and Luke needs to widen his circle of people he conversates with. 

"So, Paris, surely you went and saw something, yeah? Anything fun?" Ashton asks and I know that that too was cut short in the moment. Luke was going to take me somewhere and I still have no idea where exactly that was, but we did go and see the Arch De Triomphe and that was amazing and surreal. But I was absolutely encapsulated by snow. It was phenomenal. 

"We saw the Arch De Triomphe, that was amazing. It was also snowing which was so much more amazing than this fucking weather. It was just surreal and beautiful really," I explain and Luke suddenly becomes excited to ask something so we both just let him talk. 

"Wait, I've never had a summer Christmas, what do you do tomorrow? I've only ever had Christmas in France or Russia, never anywhere near here," Luke asks and oh , this will be a big cultural shock really. Aussie Christmas's are awesome, going to the beach, playing cricket, swimming in Calum's pool. Really there's a lot to do and it sounds a hell of a lot better than being stuck inside on some kind of snow watch. 

"Russia? Why do you spend Christmas in Russia of all places?" Ashton laughs lightly and so Luke explains. 

"I have a lot of Russian family really, distant relatives but they're all the family that my family really has. So sometimes we go there for the holidays and it's definitely an experience. A fuck ton of vodka," Luke explains and I know the story behind that one. It doesn't need t be explained again right now. Ashton has a different question however.

"Do you speak any Russian?" Ashton asks Luke and the blonde just nods as if it were common knowledge. I just find myself staring at him in disbelief because, surely he would have brought this up - especially as I've asked him about what languages he and his brothers speak, but Luke likes to withhold information apparently. He always does this. Neglects telling me these things. 

"What? I don't tell you that shit because it's highly irrelevant. I'm nowhere near fluent, but I can understand most conversation and get by so I wouldn't class that as knowing a language . Don't look at me like that Michael, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I didn't think it was necessary," Luke says to me, pouting as he tells me not to look at him like this and I can't ever be truly upset with him.

"I'm not upset, I think it's cool Lu, seriously. Any other languages you speak that you've forgotten to tell me about?" I ask Luke and he just wheezes a little, that genuine laugh he has that really brings a smile to my lips and he's honestly adorable. I think I've expressed that fact too many times now. 

"No Michael. Just French with a little bit of Italian and Russian. You're looking at me like you've never met someone who speaks more than one language. Wait, are you kidding?" Luke laughs out before seriously asking if we're joking, but I seriously know anybody who speaks more than English off the top of my head who isn't related to Luke in any way. 

"Well, Calum knows a few phrases and words in Maori - since he's Maori, but otherwise I can't think of anyone who speaks another language," Ashton says and sometimes I forget about Calum's ethnic background. Really Calum has not much to do with the Kiwi side of his family, but he can't really change his heritage, and his mother is rather intent on Calum being proud of his roots. Really it's a good thing. 

"Almost everyone I know speaks more than one language. Gray - he spoke like four languages, his mother is French, his father is frond Cyprus, so he spoke French and Greek and all this random shit, I don't know. He couldn't play any instruments though, but he taught me everything about producing and mixing. Is that bad? Should I not talk about him?" And Luke kind of panics. He can talk about Gray, that's not illegal. 

"You can talk about him Luke. You remember the conversation with those guys about Gray, yeah?" I ask him and he looks confused for a second and - I don't want to have to explain to him that Gray is dead if he doesn't remember. But he just nods and I'm thankful that he at least remembers that from the awful interaction with those guys. 

"Yeah, Gray fucking died. I haven't really thought about it though. I don't want to be upset because of what he did to me more than once, but he was still my friend at one point," Luke explains and he has every right to be upset about everything. Sure Gray hurt him time and time again, but they still knew each other. They were friends, that's undeniable, so Luke's grief is definitely valid. 

"You have every right to be upset Luke. Every single right to be upset about what happened. He was an asshole. You can admit that, but he was still a person and death is awful, yeah? And what he said in his note," I explain to him and he just nods in agreement. The note was terrifying really, it was scary and awful, Luke knows that much and Ashton is in the dark about all of this. Absolutely in the dark but he knows better than to ask right now. 

"Change the subject," Is all that Luke says in response to that and I really don't blame him. His hand is clutching mine rather tightly, he's trying to just stay neutral about everything and for someone who tried to kill themselves yesterday and for someone with a disorder that impacts his emotions, he's doing a rather good job if I'm brutally honest. 

"Alright, so Australian Christmas's usually involve a lot of swimming, a lot of outdoor cricket and a barbecue of some sort," I decide to give him the answer to the question I forgot he wanted answering and I'm just glad he looks excited for tomorrow. He actually looks excited and it's something so small yet so big and it's nice to see him smiling. 

"I don't know how to play cricket. Does your family do that for Christmas? You'll have to teach me," Luke explains and I think every Aussie kid learns somewhere along the way about cricket purely because of Christmas time. I can show him, Ashton and Calum could come over to mine and we can all have a far too serious game of the sport. It sounds like fun. We always take the games far too seriously. 

"Sure, Ash are you and Cal able to come over tomorrow afternoon for a while? We can have an intense Australian game of cricket and scare Luke away from the whole thing," I suggest and Ashton says that he'll make himself available if it means that he gets to play with us. Our games do end up rather intense, the title of winner being something very serious in our friend group. We play until we're bruised and bloody - and a trip to the hospital one year due to a broken arm proves that one. 

We chat for a while until Ash actually needs to serve someone and so we just have to stand back until that's all sorted. My mother eventually meets us over here and she asks us if there's anything here that we wanted to get for dinner. She also says hello to Ashton and the oldest boy greets her with such a suck up grin, but that's just Ashton. A goodie two shoes. 

"Not that I should make up your mind for you, but the lasagne's are insanely amazing," Ashton comments and god he never shuts up about these things . They do have a vegetarian lasagne too, we could get that for Luke if he wanted it, not that he would eat the entire thing. Then again he probably doesn't care about what it is that he eats. He just shrugs before he proposes an idea. 

"I can cook some things. I will pay for the ingredients if you want me to cook something? Like salmon? I like salmon and I know how to cook it," Luke suggests and the fish is one of my new favorite foods ever. Its so good and I think Luke will be great at cooking, he's good at absolutely everything else. Also if he cooks something he likes, then I hope he'll be more inclined to eat it. 

"I don't see why not, but you don't need to pay for it," My mother says, but Luke really insists and I just know he won't rest until he pays for it. My mother sees that too, so eventually she gives in and Luke is smiling once more. Ashtons job also covers the seafood area of the job, so Luke follows Ashton to that area when Luke looks momentarily lost. 

"I don't know how much to get. Michael, you will eat one of these? Or no?" Luke asks and that was definitely heavily French sounding. There are moments when I hear his accent peak through, but that sentence especially and the structure of it was very French sounding. He's pointing at the light orange colored fillets of salmon and I would eat a whole fillet, definitely. I eat a lot and have a fast metabolism. That's one of the only things I'm very fortunate for. 

"Yeah, I'd eat a whole one. My Dad and my Mum probably would have a whole one each too. Just get four, whatever you don't eat I'm sure I will," I say to him and my mother agrees. So that's exactly what Luke gets. It ends up being something crazy like forty-four dollars, but Luke just thanks Ashton sincerely, getting it wrapped in paper opposed to foil and Ashton passes it over to Luke, my fiancé's eyes lingering on Ashtons for a little too long for comfort. Luke gets caught up in other people, it hurts, but he's made it very clear that he loves me. I know that he does really. 

"I'll pop by tomorrow, that's alright Mrs Clifford, right?" Ashton asks, breaking that silence between us all and breaking that eye contact. My mother says it'll be lovely to have such company for Christmas. As an only child, our family circle is small. My parents are both only children too, no siblings, so that means I have no aunts or uncles or cousins. Just grandparents and my Mum and Dad. Luke and I are similar in some ways. Small families, no one else to really hang out with in our own families. 

"It would be lovely Ashton. I think Daryl's parents are coming over for Christmas lunch, so Michael and Luke will probably want to head out anyway, right?" My mother says and I didn't know that was the plan. My grandparents probably won't agree with me having a relationship with Luke, but then again that doesn't matter at all. They might surprise me like my parents, or they might be terrifyingly homophobic. I'm practically praying that it isn't the latter. 

"We'll see. We'll also see you tomorrow Ash, thanks for everything," I say to him and he just waves goodbye, having to rush off to serve someone else. Ashton works too hard honestly. His workload is massive and he closes at night on his own. He's working himself to the bone, but he never complains and I just wish that his boss valued him a little more. 

"Luke, what else will you need for the salmon?" My mother asks and Luke just lists off a few things as he holds his package of salmon rather than placing it in the basket my Mum holding. We find the few things that Luke needs, that being European Butter , Capers (which I've never heard of before), lemon, zucchini and cabbage along with other vegetables that are rather colorful - such as red onion, capsicums and broccoli. Luke ends up paying for the groceries before my mother can and soon we're back at my place, leaving the guitar in the car for tomorrow. It may as well be a surprise for someone - and my dad seems to be a great candidate. 

Luke gets me to help him make dinner and he's a little clueless with everything so it's rather cute. He can't cut up vegetables for the life of him, and when I get him to attempt it, he almost chops his fingers off. He's better with the frying pan and the salmon, so he decides to handle that aspect of it all. After all, he tells me that he and his mother made this together often before everything went to shit, but he only ever did the salmon. I can definitely tell. 

Luke knows however what he wants with the vegetables, he directs me on what he wants me to cut the vegetables into, explaining it all in depth and just clearly wishing he were better at cutting the veggies so he could do it himself. Regardless, we both manage and end up sautéing the veggies in a pan with some oil, garlic and a little bit of soy sauce. Luke insists on it tasting amazing. 

Luke is busy cooking the salmon rather perfectly, already having coated them in flour, now pan cooking them in that European butter that is apparently richer than the butter we use. He also squirts some lemon juice onto the cooking filets and he's so deep in concentration that it's equal parts ridiculous and cute. 

We end up cooking a beautiful looking dinner for the family that we plate up as if we were on a cooking show and it actually looks restaurant worthy. Luke garnished the salmon with parsley and more lemon juice, all of the other vegetables sautéed and situated next to the salmon, looking beautifully vibrant in color and in professionalism. Luke's a visionary, even when it comes to dinner plating. 

We take the plates to the table and both of my parents look absolutely blown away. My Dad is a big foodie, that man would eat anything and his eyes light up with joy at the meal. He's surprised that we made it, as is my mother and she may have to retire from dinner making because we've really proven ourselves. 

"My goodness, you've outdone yourselves. Thank you so much Luke and Michael. I say we should dig in," My dad says and I don't want to wait any longer myself, so I find myself doing exactly that. Sitting with Luke for a meal, watching him converse and laugh with people other than myself, seeing him drink water rather than something alcoholic and watching him actually eat is something that actually tears at my heartstrings. It's progress. Slow and kind of rocky, but it's progress. 

Luke tells us about French Christmas traditions, Santa being called Père Noël and an evil character Le Père Fouettard who hurts naughty children being what he grew up with. It sounds satanic, but it's all Luke knows. He tells my parents that this is his first summer Christmas and they too are shocked beyond words. Luke explains everything to my parents that he told Ash and I earlier and a question comes to mind. 

"If you don't have any immediate family, then how is your Russian family related?" I ask Luke and he just sighs because he knows he's got to explain everything in more depth. Everyone continues to eat as he speaks because the dinner is fucking phenomenal. 

"They're my father's cousins so something like my second cousins? I don't know how all of that works, but my father was very insistent on visiting them every second year or so. I was there last Christmas, it was highly uneventful," Luke explains and he truly does sound highly uninterested in the whole thing. He picks at his food, he always does this. He kind of stabs at it with his fork a few times, just moving it around his plate before picking up small amounts and eating it, repeating the process as we all conversate. He doesn't eat much, but then again making sure he's eating at all is a big step. 

"I'm glad we're back here, right Lu?" I try to spark up more inclusive conversation so that Luke can talk a little more, be a little more present in this moment and he just nods before adding to the whole thing a little - thankfully opening up a little bit. 

"Paris was very difficult. I don't think I've ever felt as low as I did while we were there. I'm sorry that I put you through what I did, Michael. You didn't deserve any of that at all," Luke says to me and I don't really need him to apologize because I know he's been losing it quite frankly. He's been internally dealing with a lot. His father's death, Gray's death, his sudden influx in cash, his sudden practical stardom. It's a lot for him to deal with so I don't really blame him for his slip ups. 

"It's alright, we're back here now and that's all that matters, yeah? You alright?" I speak, looking back over to Luke and I don't think he's alright because tears have welled in his eyes and when he tries to blink them away they just fall and he doesn't wipe them away. He just let's his tears silently roll down his cheeks and he's really caught everyone's attention with this. Everyone just stays silent, waiting for him to speak. 

"I'm alright, I'm sorry. It's just - everything is so messed up and I didn't ever mean to get this fucked up. I just want everything to be how it was before Ben died. I feel like everyone I've ever loved is disappearing and it feels like it's my fault. I don't want any of you to disappear too," Luke says, letting tears fall and sometimes I wonder just how many tears this boy has left in him. Whenever he cries my heart always drops. It's just become a natural reaction to his tears and I hate this feeling, but I hate seeing him upset even more. 

"We're never going to disappear Luke. We're in this for the long run with you because we love you endlessly, yeah? Nothing is your fault at all, you've been screwed over your entire life, it's not your fault at all," I say to him and he just nods, once again trying to convince himself that what I say is true. He wipes at his tears a little and he's trying to hold it all in as if crying were something illegal. Luke's allowed to cry all he wants, it's not a bad thing. It just tears at my heart. 

"Thank you for letting me stay with you, I don't think I could ever properly repay you for your hospitality. You're more of a family to me than my own family ever was and it just means so much to me," Luke says and he's being sentimental. It's always odd to see Luke being heartfelt, but he's good at it. He really means it too. 

"You don't need to thank us Luke, we're family now anyway, we just want you to feel as loved as you deserve to be loved, okay? You're a good kid Luke, don't beat yourself up for things that are out of your control," My mother explains and it's exactly what Luke needed to hear. 

Myself and my parents have finished our food. Luke tried, but he only ate about a mouthful of the salmon along with half of his vegetables and it's good enough for me. He's definitely done too. He's put down his knife and fork and that's that. At least he's eaten somewhat of a meal and I don't want to push him into eating more out of the fear that he just might purge it up again. The safest option just feels like leaving it here. 

My parents tell me that since we cooked that they'll do the dishes, telling us to go into the lounge and put on a Christmas movie. Luke's indifferent to the whole thing, but he likes cuddles so he sits with me on the couch, his head resting on my chest as some shitty Christmas movie that's on plays in the background. He's exhausted and rightfully so. He's in a dreadful mental place, I can only imagine that simply living is exhausting for him right now. So it doesn't surprise me when he's all lights out rather quickly. 

I love running my hands through his hair. It's beautifully curly recently and I think he's been doing something different because the curls are far more pronounced than ever. I truly think his eating habits have improved, he doesn't look as lifeless as he did at the climax of his struggles, I think he's putting on some weight despite still being extremely underweight and I'm beyond proud of him. 

When showering with him earlier I realized just how pronounced his ribs and spine are when he's not hiding his body behind a long shirt or hoodie. He's littered in thin self harm scars all over, he's not stopped hurting himself and it tears me apart but I know he's trying so hard to limit how often he seeks that escape. He's trying and that's all I can really wish for. For Luke trying his absolute best. 

He's asleep for a while, about half an hour or so before he starts to mumble and toss a bit. He's still not great at sleeping through the night, I felt him get up a few times at his house in France in the night after waking up from his sleep and now is no different. He mumbles for a while, tossing a bit before he wakes with a jolt and I haven't seen that for a while. I calm him down, pressing a kiss into his hair, telling him where he is, that he's safe and he calms immediately, resting his head on me again with a huff. He's frustrated that he can't sleep. 

"What are we watching?" Luke yawns as he speaks, looking at the TV a little and he's so cute right now, wrapped in my hoodie as he practically lays on top of me. The movie that was just on finished - thank god - because I hated it unearthly. But now my favorite Christmas movie is on and I wish Luke liked watching movies and TV shows because I have a feeling he'd find this one ridiculous. 

"We were watching Elf, but Home Alone is on now and it's my favorite Christmas movie so we'll probably watch this then go to bed. Or we could go to bed now, whatever you want?" I ask him and he just snuggles into my touch, humming before reclarifying.

"We can watch this then bed. What did I miss?" Luke asks, stretching a bit so that he can wake himself up more, moving so he's sitting rather than laying down and he's really trying to commit to watching this. He's always so close to me, he rests his head on my shoulder when I too sit up and I know he won't stay awake for very long, but I decide to explain anyway. 

"The main character is a boy named Kevin and his family accidentally left him home alone while they went on holiday overseas for Christmas. Basically the movie is just a comedy and shows what Kevin does the whole time when he's alone. It's a great movie, it never gets old," I explain to him and my parents are sitting on the other couch, also watching the movie because at this point it's tradition to watch this on Christmas Eve. 

"Meds, I've got to take my medication," Luke mumbles and I would have forgotten if he didn't bring it up. I tell him that I'll get up to grab them, knowing that I'll check the name on the pill container properly, grabbing the pills and a glass of water for the blonde. I go up to my room to grab the pills, coming back down the stairs to grab a glass of water and I swear, clumsy must be my middle name because I walk into the table on the way back out of the kitchen, dropping the glass of water and watching in slow motion as it shatters on the floor. Brilliant. 

"I'm alright! Just dropped the glass, uh-" I call out because I know everyone will probably worry because they know how many terrible situations I can get myself into with my clumsiness. I'm glad I didn't cut open my foot, but I don't know where to move to not do that, so I stand still until Luke enters the room, shaking his head with a smile on his face. Really it didn't shatter but it did break into a few pieces and Luke just picks them up, stepping over the puddle of water, asking where the bin is so that he can get rid of the glass. 

"I don't know how you do it Michael. You feeling alright? You okay?" Luke asks me when I don't really reply to him and I don't know really. I'm just frustrated, I'm pissed off at myself for breaking the glass, for not being able to do one thing for my fiancé without him having to help. These past few days have made me feel utterly useless. I'm failing to keep Luke alive. That's what it feels like. 

"I'm alright, I feel like an awful fiancé. All I want to do is help you but I'm incapable of practically everything," I explain to him and he just pouts, walking over to the me, wrapping me in a hug and pressing kisses into my hair. I don't deserve this, I'm failing Luke, I'm not helping him much. It doesn't feel like I am. 

"You're helping me, you've kept me alive. You're the best fiancé Michael. You're my best friend and you're the best boyfriend I could ever ask for, let alone the best fiancé. I'm not going to try to hurt myself like that anymore Michael. The only person I can thank for that is you," He says as he litters kisses throughout my neon green hair and he is such a love whore. He's a cutie. 

"You sure? I just love you so much and want you to be okay. Here's your meds, I'm sorry I dropped the glass," I say to him, placing the two pills in his hand and he just thanks me for retrieving them, swallowing them dry as always and I forgot that he does that. The water was irrelevant anyway, now I'm left cleaning it up with a towel. 

I end up sitting with him on the couch again, watching the rest of the movie and - well, I watch the movie. Luke falls asleep within about five minutes of nodding off and trying to stay awake and honestly he's such an adorable guy. I watch the movie, I laugh lightly at all of the dumb jokes I've laughed at over the past ten years that I remember watching this movie. Luke snuggles into me in his sleep, he mumbles every time I laugh and I always kiss his hair to keep him asleep. It just works. 

Eventually the movie finishes and I dread having to wake Luke because he's actually sleeping soundly. His sleeves have ridden up in his sleep, the scars on his wrists on display for anyone to see. He's curled up in a ball, his head resting on my lap and I don't know how he got here, but he's whimpering a little and it's tearing at my heart. He starts mumbling his dead brother's name a little and that's where I decide to wake him up. My mother is already looking at him with sympathy in her eyes and Luke doesn't need this right now. We can sleep upstairs, that's the best thing for Luke right now. 

"Baby? Wakey wakey lovely, the movie's done, we can go upstairs if you want to?" I wake the blonde, running my hand over his cheek a little and he hums, not opening his eyes just yet and he's being stupid. He's awake, he just doesn't want to move and he snuggles into me a little more, mumbling my name and - not here. 

I just poke him rather aggressively and he finally opens his eyes, clearly not expecting that at all, but he just smiles, sitting up and stretching. He's so small right now in my hoodie, a light smile on his face, and it's hard to believe that just yesterday he had to be admitted to hospital because of an intentional overdose. I'm so fucking thankful for my parents, for Jack and for the hospital workers. 

"Let's get some rest, love. Big day tomorrow," I say to him and he just nods, standing with me and bidding my parents goodnight, thanking them once again for absolutely everything. When we get upstairs Luke just grumbles and flops onto my bed, so incredibly exhausted despite sleeping through Home Alone, but I don't blame him at all. He's going through a lot, he hasn't slept much at all in the past god knows how long , and it's late anyway. 

Luke no longer has sleeping pills in his possession. I don't want him to take them anymore, nor did the doctors, so natural sleep is going to be his only source of recharging for a while now. Luke doesn't want to take off the hoodie, but he knows it'll end up too warm anyway, so he opts for wearing his underwear, paired with the graphic-tee I've loaned him for the time being and I do the exact same.

I flick off the lights, hopping into bed beside Luke and he just clings onto me for dear life. He's been so close to me recently, always touching really and I don't hate it at all. We lay here together, both awake for a while before Luke's grip on me loosens and I know he's asleep because his breathing has slowed and he's snoring lightly once more. It's become music to my ears at this point. 

I fall asleep soon after, my beautiful fiancé pressed up against me and I vaguely remember dreaming about playing guitar on stage for thousands upon thousands of people. It felt rewarding, like some kind of alternate reality, but I wake in the morning to the realization that it's Christmas and I realize that all I've ever wanted is right here beside me.

Chapter Text

Luke's still asleep, but it's ten in the morning and I know my parents will already be awake, so I wake up Luke and he just hums a little, kissing my cheek without even having to open his eyes and he's really in love today. 

"Merry Christmas, beautiful. It's already ten, we should get up, yeah?" I ask him and he mumbles Merry Christmas right back at me before sitting up and rubbing at his eyes. He hasn't worn his glasses for a while, he wore his contacts in France, but since we've been back he's been blind as a bat. Now is no exception, so when we get up, the first thing he does is search through his suitcase for his contacts that he finds only after I help search for them and I don't know what he'd do without me. He manages to get them in and can finally see, kissing me again now that he can make out the features on my face finally. 

"I have this corduroy outfit, it's a mustard yellow color, should I wear it with a blue shirt?" Luke asks me and it sounds fun. So I just nod enthusiastically. It's in his bag of clothing that he brought to my house all that time ago and it looks rather stunning. Luke gets changed in front of me, never scared to strip naked and he's so beautiful. He pulls on the pants first after putting on clean underwear, buttoning up the corduroy pants before he pulls on a plain baby blue shirt and a jacket which matches the pants fabric exactly. It's both fancy and casual and it's perfect for Luke's entire style he's been pursuing recently. 

I find myself wearing a shirt and jeans as per usual, all black being my style and Luke and I look so different that it's honestly funny, but we make our way downstairs for breakfast and this is when the real traditions kick in. Every Christmas morning my father and I have cornflakes with cream instead of milk and tinned peaches to top it all off. Its such a rich and awful breakfast really, but I crave it right now and Luke looks at me like a maniac as I eat it - himself sticking with toast as per usual - and I bet he's just jealous that he can't eat dairy. It's a damn good thing to be eating on such a holiday. 

"I envy you and your lactose capable body. I want to try it," He says, pouting as he takes a sip at his black coffee and I just say boo hoo , the blonde flipping me off and that was a very Luke interaction. It was perfect really and I'm just so happy that we made it to Christmas more or less in one piece. 

"Enjoy your toast. I bet your bones are super weak from lack of calcium, how upsetting," I joke around with him and he just laughs lightly, actually finding that one funny. He's a lot looser around me these days and it's so reassuring to know that he's opening up and becoming far more confident every day in himself and in our relationship. It's a really, really good thing. 

"Merry Christmas boys, Michael's grandparents will be here soon, were you wanting to stay or head out then? If you don't want either of us mentioning your relationship then we won't also," My Mum and Dad walk into the room, smiles of Christmas cheer on both of their faces and Luke says that he doesn't mind whether we mention the relationship or not. I however, think that it's better if we came up with a lie regarding Luke's presence. 

"I think it'd be better if we said nothing about it, maybe come up with a lie about it all," I say to them and everyone is fine with that genuinely , because I hardly imagine that my Dad's parents will be alright with their grandson being gay. Then again, I shouldn't care about what others think, but I'm not quite ready to be coming out to everyone just yet. 

"Say that I'm a French exchange student, it'll work perfectly. It's fine, just use my real name and it's fine," Luke explains and when he mentions his real name, my parents are immediately confused. Did we forget to tell them about that whole thing? 

"Real name? What do you mean real name?" My mother asks and we explain the whole thing to her as we both continue to eat when the other is speaking. My parents already would have been up for hours, they always wake up early and so I bet they've been waiting for myself and Luke for quite a while. When Luke and I finish breakfast, almost on cue there is a knock on the front door and I just know that it's my grandparents showing up. Here goes nothing. 

"Michael! How're you doing kiddo, long time no see," Is how my grandad greets me, wrapping me in a hug, doing that thing where he pats my back and I hate it all so much, but I just smile and say that it's nice to see him. Things only alright for so long before they notice Luke standing awkwardly behind me and my grandad talks again. 
"And who's this?" He asks, smiling and he's such a stereotypical grandad that it's honestly funny. This is the acting gig of the century for us, Luke decides to introduce himself - allowing his accent to shine more than usual. It's perfect. 

"I'm Louka Herlaimont. French exchange student, it's nice to meet you," Luke explains, holding out his hand for a hand shake and my grandad shakes his hand, a smile on his face as Luke smiles in return and it's a good introduction really. He says hello to my nana too and he's doing a good job. He's being nice, he's not trying too hard and he's rather adorable. I want to kiss him, but for now I've got to stay far enough away that my grandparents don't draw any conclusions. They've already concluded they don't like Luke's lip ring by the looks on their faces in reaction to it. 

"Michael's parents didn't mention anything about an exchange student. How're you liking Australia and the hot weather?" My Nana asks and Luke is a quick thinker because his reply is almost immediate and it's interesting to see how quickly Luke can pull a lie out of thin air. Very interesting. 

"Maybe they said nothing because they forgot that I'm not just always here - it feels like I'm already a part of their family. I like Australia very much, a lot more than France, but it is quite a lot warmer and I love winter," Luke explains perfectly and it's a good story to go with. Winter loving, overly nice French boy. It's a great lie really and we can all stick to that for one day, surely. 

"I'm sure winters in France are a lot colder than winter's here. How long have you been staying with Michael? He's not being too mean to you?" My grandad comments and I know it's a joke, but there's something about jokes by grandparents that really cut deep. Luke just laughs and gives a good reply. 

"It feels like I've been here forever, but really it's been a few weeks. I'll be here for a while though, Michael is a very nice person, we've got along well," Luke explains and at least that's one hundred percent true. We go into the living room at that, well Luke comes with me to the kitchen to make coffees for my grandparents and he's playing a dangerous game because as he's standing behind me he just rests his head on my shoulder, wrapping his arms around me and swaying a little. My grandparents are in the other room, this feels dangerous. 

" Hi . What's up?" I ask him and he just presses a kiss to my neck, humming a little as he thinks. He keeps swaying us a bit and he's honestly melting me right now. I love him so much that it's honestly ridiculous and I just lean into his touch. 

"Are you going to the school award ceremony on the twenty-seventh?" He asks me and I had honestly forgotten about it. It's a massive event, it's the biggest event in the school year really and I haven't ever missed it. Luke has never been. They always call out his name for about a million awards and he's never been there to receive any of them. There are always murmurs of him when he's not there to receive his top awards and they really should have gotten the hint by now that he just doesn't come. The awkward silence is truly avoidable. 

"Well, we were going to be in France still, but now that we're back I feel like I need to go. Ashton's performing in the band and the musical thing, so I feel like watching him do that too. Cal's also gotta get his scholarship, so it'll be good to see that too. Do you think you'll go?" I ask him and he just hums about it for a while, pressing kisses into my neck and jaw line before he answers. 

"I don't like going. I hate attention, I hate walking across that stage for three seconds and getting applauded by people who don't know me. It feels totally unfair that someone can get all of the awards and some people get none. I don't deserve any of the awards really, but each year I've gotten scholar and like four trophies. It's dumb, so I just don't go. But I was thinking about going this year. I went once in year nine, I kind of want to see what it's like now," Luke explains, moving so that he can kiss my shoulder before I turn around to talk to him about it properly. 

"I think you should come. Bask in all of that attention for a while. You'll get top student, walking across the stage is fine. You can sit with me, we can watch Ash perform and it will be fine, I promise," I say, pecking his lips at the end of that sentence and he allows himself to think in silence about this one. 

"I don't know Michael. I want to go, but not get any awards, you know? I want to be there, but not go on the stage," Luke explains, playing with my hair a little as he speaks and he's trying not to overthink it, but Luke's an overthinker, so it'll be quite difficult for him to let it go now. 

"I get that, but it's all a part of it. You'll be fine. Please come with us, we can all get dressed up and it will be nice," I say to him and he tells me that he'll think about it for a while. He pecks my lips a few times and it's a little too danger for my liking, but Luke is such a charmer that I find myself not really caring if anyone sees. My parents know and respect the relationship, so what does it matter what anyone else thinks? Now I feel bad for lying to my grandparents. 

"I've been feeling better. I think the antidepressants are actually making things easier. I'm glad there are still good things in the world," Luke explains and I'm just glad he's been taking his meds for a while now and is able to see just how much they improve his mental state. That's all I want for Luke, for him to be happy, truly and utterly so. 

"I'm really glad Lu, keep at them yeah? Did you have one this morning?" I ask him and he just nods, telling me that he had one with breakfast and I vaguely remember that. I'm proud of him, that's all I can possibly be. Proud. I always feel proud of Luke for absolutely everything. Pride is something I've been full of for a long time for this boy. 

"I had a dream last night about dying. I think I jumped off of something really high and I just laid there and faded into a peaceful darkness. You were there and you weren’t distraught, you just told me that it was okay and that I was allowed to let go and be happy finally. I don’t want that. There was something about it that felt wrong, I just want to grow up with you and have a family. That’s what I really want,” Luke says to me and I suppose I’m glad he had an epiphany. I’m glad he’s realizing just how much he should value living.

“Yeah? Well I’m glad you want to grow up with me. How about we get out of here and do presents later? I’m sure we can find somewhere to go while we wait for Ash or Cal, yeah?” I ask him and he definitely wants out of here. We take the coffees into the living room to my grandparents and I tell my Mum that Luke and I are heading out to hang out with Ashton and Calum. She tells us to stay safe and I just give her a thumbs up before we both leave.

Luke’s still dressed nice, the corduroy mustard suit paired with the blue shirt is beautiful really and I just want to lay with him in a field of lavender flowers, kissing him under the stars. But right now we’ve got to get away from my house before I even hold his hand. Our living room has a window out to the street we live on, so we have to walk a way down the street before we can be fiancé's again. It’s ridiculous really.

“Hey Michael? Michael can you please go to a dairy and buy me a packet of cigarettes? I’m trying - I just really need something,” Luke says to me and I had already promised him this, so this time we do. We go to a dairy, Luke tells me which ones he gets outside and he gives me cash so that I can ask for and pay for them.

I have to show my ID, I grab the cigarettes when I’ve paid for them and I thank the guy who’s working. Mission accomplished. As soon as I get outside I give the packet to Luke, astounded at how expensive cigarettes are despite them practically killing you. Regardless, Luke opens the pack, grabbing one out along with his lighter that he somehow always has on him and he lights it, taking a drag and looking rather content with himself.

“Thank you so much Michael. Do you want a drag?” Luke asks with me, offering up the cigarette and - not particularly - so I just shake my head because I really don’t want to become any kind of smoker. Luke just shrugs, taking another drag and I just want to kiss him, taste the smoke on his lips and - okay maybe I do want to try it.

“Okay - you’ve convinced me. Just - kiss me with the smoke like at the ice-rink,” I say to him and he does just that, the smoke far stronger than when we were sharing weed and I don’t enjoy it, but I simultaneously don’t hate it and that’s an issue. I end up coughing and spluttering a little, but Luke just laughs and he’s far better at this than I am.

“Maybe don’t choke on the smoke. They’re menthol cigarettes for a reason. They feel icy if that makes any sense - the smoke feels less harsh,” Luke explains and if this is less harsh than a regular cigarette than I’d rather never ever smoke. I don’t know how Luke can do it, he’s absolutely addicted despite not wanting to admit it and I just hate that he ever tried to seek an escape in drugs and alcohol. He’s been doing good though for the past few days. He’s not touched anything aside from a cigarette in the past few days and it’s a really good thing.

I make sure I message Cal and Ash, trying to find out where abouts it is that we’ll have this intense game of cricket and we eventually decide on a place - this hill in the middle of woop-woop where I broke my arm all that time ago when we played cricket when we were younger. We spent a lot of time on that hill when we were younger, there are a lot of memories between my friends and my family there. It’ll be nice to make memories with Luke there too.

A hill - as Luke points out - is not the best place in the word to play cricket, but I don’t think he really understands just how great the hill is. It’s a tree-y hill. It’s covered in pine trees and it’s steep as hell. That is what makes for an interesting game of intense cricket. It’s fun in Calum’s backyard too - sure, but it’s far better on a tree covered hill.

We walk to the hill and Luke chain-smokes three cigarettes on the way there, but I don’t comment, I just allow him to destroy his lungs as we hold hands and chat the whole way there. Calum has the cricket balls along with the bat and everything else we may need and we meet him at the bottom of the hill.

“Merry Christmas you two, how’re you doing? You look good,” Calum says, greeting us each with a hug and Luke decides to be the one to explain how he’s been doing and he’s as honest as he could possibly be.

“Well, I smoked three cigarettes on the walk here after pretending to be a French exchange student so that Michaels grandparents wouldn’t hate him and myself. So my morning has been really great. You?” Luke asks Calum after all of that and I just shake my head a little at that analogy, but it’s the brutal truth. Cal is a little stunned to silence. He’s quiet for a while before speaking.

“It sounds awful Luke. Are you alright? We can go back to mine if you don’t want to be here. You’re welcome at my house,” Calum asks and maybe that’s a good idea for Luke right now. I know he won’t enjoy this, he’s not going to have fun at all, so if he wants to leave then we can do that. But Luke craves validation, so he’s going to try to stick in there.

“No, I’m fine. Really I’m great. Just phenomenal. We can stay here, I want to see one of you get hurt,” Luke explains and that’s very - Luke . He’s a bit sadistic, but he’s lovey dovey and there’s something super odd that makes the two sides of him fit together kike puzzle pieces. He has an odd personality, but it definitely works.

Calum just laughs it off, thinking it’s a joke, but I just know that Luke’s deadly serious about what he said. At that, Ashton arrives with a bright smile on his face and he’s just always so joyful that his good mood always lights up everyone around him. He wraps us all in a hug each as a greeting, Luke very awkward in the hug once more, but this time he almost welcomes it.

“Heya mate, how’re you doing? You’re looking better,” Ashton says and I can imagine that if Luke were in a bad mood then he may have snapped at Ashton saying that, but he’s in a good mood today, truly - so he just smiles lightly.

“I’ve been doing better. I cooked dinner last night for Michael’s family - with Michaels help of course. It filled me with such a sense of blissful euphoria that I don’t think I’ve ever really been so happy in my life. I’ve been good,” Luke explains and Calum just nods along as if he understands, but he doesn’t. Nor do I, but Ashton does and he just smiles brightly.

“Exactly, Luke. It’s good that you’re doing better. We should all walk up the hill and make our way back down as we go, yeah?” Ashton suggests and it’s a good idea. We all begin our trek up the hill which doesn’t actually have a track and is more dangerous and stupid than I remember it really being. I guess I’m just getting old.

Watching Luke struggle to do something is always funny because he’s always so good at everything. Watching him try to walk up a hill with unstable terrain is a comedic wonder because Luke is always so sure-footed - it’s something that leaves me wheezing with laughter when he just doesn't understand how one is supposed to walk up a hill like this. He's definitely not an Aussie kid. He's a city kid. 

Really I shouldn’t laugh, but there’s something soulfully fulfilling about watching Luke struggle to stay upright as the dirt shifts underneath him. He has to stand side-on, that’s how us three are doing it and it works. I thought Luke was the guy who was a physics scholar. What happened to physics in a time like this?

He curses the ground he walks on - or rather stumbles on - and I have to hold in my giggle as I watch him struggle. Luke however is stubborn, he’s also scared of anything outdoors that isn’t the sky and the sea. He won’t lean on a tree to keep him upright, but he also refuses to trip over so his struggle looks rather hilarious.

“Just use the trees Luke,” Ashton calls out to him and he’s already so much further up the hill than the rest of us, but he comes here often. Ashton’s technique is to walk diagonally from tree to tree, and clearly it works. Luke isn’t meant for the outdoors, I’ve realized that today and he just decides to pack a sulk.

“Surely there is an easier way to do this. Why do you play cricket on a fucking hill?” Luke asks, crossing his arms in front of him, purely defeated by this hill and he can’t give up now. We’re half-way there, he can make it up the rest of the way before he trips over, surely. It’s not that steep, he just hasn’t done this before.

“The top of the hill is where we play cricket Luke, you’re nearly there,” I call out to him because really we’re a lot further up the hill than he is and he’s stubborn thankfully, so he’s sticking at this and eventually we make it to the top of the hill and Luke is entirely done. He lays on the grass at the top of the hill, out of breath from that and maybe he really should stop smoking.

He’s coughing into his arm and - yeah, he really should cut down on the smoking because he already has bad lungs at seventeen years old. I just crouch down beside him, making sure he isn’t dying or having an asthma attack or something - not that he has asthma or anything - but he’s fine. 

He’s absolutely defeated, he’s an absolute idiot and he just grabs out another cigarette at that, lighting it up and taking a drag of it, the end lighting up a little as he breathes in the smoke and he’s stupid. I don’t know what Luke’s going to do with the cigarette butt, he makes a big deal about not littering, placing the prior three in rubbish bins, but there are no bins here.

“Since when do you smoke this often Luke? Don’t be so self destructive,” Calum asks Luke and Luke’s in a not so great mood anymore. Since failing majorly at getting to the top of the hill, Luke is absolutely done, so an argument was practically called for.

“Don’t tell me what to do Hood. Of all people, I don’t need you telling me what to be or what not to be,” Luke says, finally sitting up and glaring at Calum. This isn’t necessary, I think I understand his borderline personality disorder a bit more in moments like these, but to the other two boys who are unaware of any of that, this is just an unfair outburst.

“Hey Lu? We’re alright here, yeah? No need for unnecessary anger, okay?” I say to him and his eyes snap toward my own and he just nods a little, maintaining this eye contact for a while as he tries to just calm down . I wonder how many times I’ve requested for Luke to calm down? Far too many, but I’d say it a million more times just to make sure he stays calm.

“I’m sorry. I have an emotion regulation disorder - I just - I don’t blame that for all of my outbursts, I’m just trying not to blow up at you guys and it’s hard sometimes. I didn’t mean to get angry - I apologize,” Luke says and it feels like he’s ticking off boxes of a checklist, trying to hit all of the points of an apology rather than being truly apologetic.

“What?-” Calum asks before Luke can really explain and Luke gets flustered. He doesn’t know how to deal with this all well at all. He just knows that he has to explain - or he feels like he has to explain. He doesn’t need to. He doesn’t need to explain himself for anything.

“I have borderline personality disorder and I’ve known for over a year now and it just makes everything so difficult because little things set me off. I see a dog and I’m practically manic because I just love dogs so much, but little things make me so mad or upset or any emotion and I can’t control any of it for the life of me - okay? I just need a minute alone please before I claw my own eyes out,” Luke says when his apology technique clearly didn’t work for him and I’m glad he’s feeling open enough to explain it all to Ashton and Calum.

“Okay Lu. Just breathe, yeah? We’ll be over there,” I point to the opposite side of this field of grass atop of this hill and he nods, resting his head back down on the grass as he closes his eyes, taking a drag of the smoke and basking in the sun. Just breathing .

“Is he okay? Like - actually okay?” Calum asks when we’re out of Luke’s bubble of being able to hear us and I don’t know how to answer that. Ashton knows how to answer this however, and Ashton always knows these things left right and center. He’s good with people, he connects with people and it’s a great thing for him to help Luke.

"He tried to kill himself, Cal. After I attempted to take my own life - I wasn't alright for a long time. I had to be in a psych ward for a few days because I was paranoid and psychotic all because I didn't get the one thing that I wanted in that moment. I completely lost my sense of self and my sense of reality because I did something that I thought was a final solution to my issues. But I had support from my family and friends and Luke has nothing but us. We need to help him," Ashton explains and god he's just so desperate that we help Luke. I'm so glad I have the best humans ever as my friends. 

"Should I try to get him to rehab or more sessions with Jamie? He hasn't seen her in ages," I ask Ashton and he looks between Luke, who is smoking and waving his free hand through the air, tracing shapes and random patterns, and between myself. He doesn't really know. 

"I don't know Mikey. I - for me therapy made things worse and that's just me. Some people don't gel well with it and maybe Luke is one of those people too? I'm not sure mate. You'll have to talk with him about it," Ashton explains and at that Luke decides to finally join us, clearly having calmed himself down to an adequate level. 

"I'm sorry. BPD is a constant thing that has triggers and episodes technically and I don't ever mean to snap at anyone or panic how I do. It's a personality disorder that's nurtured by abusive and neglected childhoods in some cases and I just want you to all still look at me the exact same because I don't want to lose any of you as my friends because I love you all so much. I don't want you to disappear," Luke explains, taking a drag of his cigarette when he's done and he's stress smoking. Great. Wonderful. 

"Hey, it's alright - we all understand and would never leave you. Let's just push this aside for a while, is that okay? We can have fun and be alright, yeah?" I ask him and he just nods because that's what he really wants. He really wants to have fun with Ash and Cal. He wants to be happy and as normal as someone can be. That's all he wants. 

"Thank you. I don't know how to play cricket. I've never played it before and I have awful hand eye coordination," Luke explains, suddenly changing the subject and I'm glad he's attempting to turn this around. Really he does want to get along with everyone, he craves it more than anything and so this is a big thing for everyone. Calum and Ashton are great people. They immediately switch the conversation to this too and I'm glad they're all getting along. 

"Well, we can show you? We play it awfully because real cricket is too confusing unless you're a sport scholar like Calum here. Basically two of us stand halfway across the field here, then one of us throws the ball toward the person with the bat and the batter hits the ball, then the person on the field who catches the ball or obtains it by any means necessary first wins. It's simple, but it provides hours of fun and bruises," Ashton explains the entire premise to Luke and he looks very quickly worried. 

"I don't think I dressed appropriately for the game. I can sit on the side and watch you play for a while, yes? I'm not really the sporty, team player, enthusiastic - type of person but I can try," Luke explains and that's all we're asking for. I'm by no means an athletic person, but I manage to have fun and that's all that really matters. 

"Course Luke! Just join in whenever you're ready. I promise it's a bunch of fun. Michael, you're batting first," Calum explains before holding out the bat to me and grabbing something from the backpack he brought up here. He has four Santa hats, exactly what I wanted to find and - yes. This is officially the best Christmas ever. He hands us a hat each, all of us putting them on. Even Luke reluctantly sits the festive hat atop of his head as he walks toward the edge of this field in a place where he's sure he won't end up the target of a ball. I'm not a great batter, but I'll try not to hit my fiancé. 

The game always starts this way. Myself batting and the other two boys battling it out for the ball. The first game sets the tone for the entire set and honestly, they aren't holding back this year. Calum is bowling, he has a great throw and he let's the ball fly from his hand toward me and I pray to God that I hit it and not at Luke. I manage fairly alright and this is where shit gets nasty. 

Ashton pushes at Calum before they can even register where exactly the ball is headed and it was a fair shove. They're playing it brutally this year clearly, Ash pushing Calum then taking off to where he watches the ball fly, trying his best to shuffle backwards as the ball arches in the air, setting him up for the perfect catch. And perfect it is. Touché boys. Touché. 

"Fuck dude, we're really going to play it this way again? Your funeral," Calum asks before Ashton bowls the ball to me once more, this time both boys going at it. I hit the ball and Calum shoves at Ashton, but the older boy grabs at Calum's hand, grabbing hold and pulling Cal to the ground with him. They're practically wrestling each other and trying to escape each others grasp and the ball lands some six meters from them. Now all they have to do is be the first to grab it. 

Luke watches on, very confused as to what is exactly going on and it's fair enough too. We've played this game for more than ten years and honestly, it's always been this rough. I've broken my arm playing this, Ash ended up with a black eye the same year and Calum? Well Cal always wins. And he's proving that now. He ends up the first one with the ball and that's round two over. We've got to switch up batters and I just know that it means I'm going to end up hurt if I don't stay on my feet both literally and figuratively. 

Ashton decides to bat because he's already sore and I know this is going to hurt. Either I need to get Cal first, or I need to run. It's a difficult choice, but Calum pitches the ball quickly at Ashton and the older boy cracks it like a true Aussie, sending the ball absolutely hurtling. I trip Calum up and I run for dear life because I need to get the ball before Cal. My judgment however was poor and I run far too far, leaving Calum able to just scoop the ball off of the grass after all of that. Sneaky. 

"Want to join?" I ask Luke who's been really savoring this cigarette and he just shakes his head, saying he's fine staying in one piece for now. I don't blame him, this is hell. Especially when Cal steps on my foot and proceeds to practically tackle me to the ground. It's all fun and games though. I'm laughing, Cal is laughing - as is Ashton and I think Luke is even laughing too as he watches from the sidelines. 

It goes on in a never ending rotation for about fifteen minutes before I'm absolutely sweating to death up here and the other two boys are equally gross, drowning in their own sweat. That's where that game ends and Luke just applauds the performance. Literally. I still want to see Luke bat, so I suggest it and he just stands, joining us finally. 

"I don't know what to do. How do I hold it? What do I do?" Luke asks, looking very out of place, but Calum just hands him the bat and now he really looks out of place . He really is clueless, so I find myself helping him, standing behind him and guiding his hands to where he's supposed to be holding the bat until he reminds me that he's left-handed and that this feels awful. So we switch it up and he is still so clueless but can at least somewhat hold the bat properly now.

Calum tosses me the ball and I decide to just throw it toward Luke to see what will happen. It's fucking hilarious really. He panics very clearly, blocking himself from getting hit by the ball that wouldn't even leave a bruise and it still manages to hit his thigh rather than hitting the bat at all. Maybe sport really isn't for Luke. It always was Jack's thing. 

"Ouch. What the fuck Michael?" Luke says and I mock him saying ouch because there is no way that that hurt at all. He just flips me off, a smile on his lips and I decide no better time than the present to press a kiss to his lips. He welcomes it. He always does and Ash tells us to get a room. Clearly to frustrate the other boys, Luke properly pashes me, tongue and all and one of the other fake gags. They're such children. 

Luke would probably fuck me right here and now if he wanted to prove a point, but instead he just grinds up against me a little and his point is definitely proven. I involuntarily hum a little before pulling away from Luke and he just smiles, knowing what he's doing. 

"Michael? I want to leave here - only if you want to as well though. I don't really enjoy this up here. Can we go to the beach instead? I want to swim or surf at Bronte Beach so desperately," Luke explains and he has an alternative for Bondi which is honestly a miracle. I'm all game for that. I've swum at Bronte before, just not Bondi and I'd love to see Luke surf. I'd kill to see him surf, honest to god. 

"Hey guys, would you be down to going to the Beach? It'll be full of people, but worth it, yeah?" I ask the other two boys and I don't think they'd ever not want to do something like that, so their nods are both very genuine and immediate. Luke beams and he's been killing to surf again. He raved about the surf in France and he's said multiple times that he's been out since injuring himself at Bondi, so really I just want him to be happy and comfortable. 

"Definitely. You’ll be alright Luke?” Ashton makes sure he asks and Luke just nods, definitely looking ridiculous with a Santa hat on, but he’s totally serious. He had dropped the bat when he decided to kiss me, so at least he doesn’t look stupid stupid - but Luke is one of those people that you look at and go that person looks dumb as shit - but pleasantly surprises anyone who ever learns anything about him.

Luke’s just one of those people who constantly looks like he’s got some kind of elevator music playing in his mind until all eyes are on him. Luke is always so professional and poised, but when he’s not in that professional mindset - he looks blank and it’s rather funny. 

“I’ll be fine. I just don’t like Bondi Beach. We can go to any other beach in the country,” Luke says to us and I suppose so. He was the one to bring it all up, so I trust that he knows the own limits of his mind and to what sets him off. We decide at that to find a better beach than Bronte, so Luke lists off a few and we decide on one.

Getting down the hill proves more difficult for Luke than getting up the hill. You kind of have to just - accept that the pine needles you’re standing on are going to slide down, so you just slide down with it. Luke doesn't really get that concept - so when he slips, he properly slips and lands on his ass. No one makes a big deal out of it, because Calum too slips over practically at the same time and he slips hard. 

I think it's because he somehow manages to fall forward that it looks so much worse. He falls forward and thankfully thinks quickly enough to put his arms out so that he doesn't smash his face on the ground. It looks like it hurt regardless, but he laughs it off and assures us that he's definitely alright. We manage to get down to the bottom of the hill in one piece eventually and Luke just kisses me when we finally get into Ashtons car that we're glad he drove here. 

I message my mother while we pull away from where Ashton parked, telling her where we're going and she tells us to stay safe. We don't get very far before Luke's phone starts ringing and he grabs it out of his pocket, only to huff and decline the call. But whoever is calling him is persistent and is fucking him off, so he calmly asks Ashton to pull over because;

"I need you to pull over because I'm going to lose my shit when I answer this call and I don't want to be in the car when I do that. Please pull over," Luke explains calmly and he's trying to make this better for everyone else by distancing himself from us when he knows he's absolutely going to snap. Ashton listens and pulls over and Luke tells me to get out too, pleading that the other two stay in the car.

The phone rings as he gets out of the car and I just follow him quickly, watching as he puts the phone on speaker and allows whoever it is calling to greet him right away. I would recognize the voice anywhere. 

"Luke, Merry Christmas sweetie, I was worried that you weren't going to pick up," And it's his mother. That fucking piece of shit person. I understand now why Luke said he was going to lose it. Her voice is full of a false sugary happiness that I didn't think she'd put on over a phone call when Luke knows what she's truly like. Luke actually loses it. 

"What the fuck do you think you're doing? I don't ever want you to contact me again. You're an evil person with no soul at all and you need to leave me alone or so god help me I will hurt myself and you will never ever live that down because I swear to god I will ruin you," Luke yells, he yells at his mother with an anger I've never seen from him before and I think it's wholeheartedly necessary. It's perfect. 

"Luke, listen to me kid, you're nothing special. You need to grow the fuck up and get back to France before I take matters into my own hands. You will be back here before the end of January - or so help me god people will drag you here unwillingly," She speaks with a similar anger and she's cut all of the bullshit sugary happiness she was using as a disguise when she picked up her phone. 

"You have no say over what I do! Legally you can't do anything and if you do something illegally Michael will drag your name through the mud. You are a piece of shit person!" Luke yells and he knows that I'd do exactly that too. I'm on Luke's side through and through. I'd never let his mother do something like that. 

"Louka, I am your mother. If I decide that you are to be with me in France, furthering your father's business and going to medical school, then that's what you will do," She says, her words firm and unwavering. Luke's reply is absolutely immediate and when he's frustrated like this, when he's yelling his accent is a whole lot more pronounced. 

"You are not my mother! My mother wouldn't sit by at a table in front of my boyfriend, allowing me to get drugged on morphine so that I calmed down when I had every right to tell them to leave ! I tried to kill myself twice and you didn't care! You've never cared about me, you only care about the money I can give you to fund your fucking wine addiction! Can't you just take ownership of the vineyard and never talk to me again? I will write you a check and I will sign over the vineyard to you if that's what you want. Just leave me the fuck alone!" Luke yells. He's still mad, of course he is, but he's not mad upset like he usually is. There are no tears, he's just mad and he has every right to be. Everything he's ever said is so true. It's truer than true. 

"Nothing will change the fact that I am your mother Luke. I am your legal guardian and I want you to come back to France before I drag you back there, you hear me?" She says and Luke is absolutely done. 

"Don't ever contact me again. I don't want anything to do with you. I don't want you to have anything to do with Jack. I am with my family here, my real family and I don't ever want to speak to you again. Never. Au revoir . Goodbye," Luke explains and his mother goes to speak but he hangs up. Not only does he hang up, but he loses his temper and he throws his phone at the brick wall behind us. It's a good throw, really he's probably on par with Calum's pitching at our game of cricket, except that was a phone. An expensive phone and now it's more than broken. It's completely fucked. 

I wrap him in my arms before he can absolutely lose it any more and it's dangerous because he's unpredictable, but he just melts into my touch, allowing himself to absolutely crumple to the ground. If I weren't holding him then he would have completely ended up hurting himself. But I hold him and slowly let him down, allowing him to absolutely sob and lose it. He just cries into my shoulder on the concrete, overly full of such an awfully sad emotion that obviously over takes him. 

"It's okay. It's alright, you did the best thing you could have done. Luke, listen to me. This feeling is temporary, love. You're alright, it's alright to cry," I say to him, hugging him as he sobs and it's just a moment. It's a quick, short thing that overtakes Luke and it passes all the same. He's alright. His sobbing stops and he's left feeling drained. He wants out of here, he looks at his phone, we determine that there's no bringing it back from the dead, but he grabs it anyway. He says he needs to grab the sim out of it. Which is funny that he even knows what it is, but he just insists. 

We hop back in the car at that as if nothing ever happened and it's suggested by someone that we pop over to Calum's house before going to the beach. Mali will be home, Calum warns that and he tells Luke to be extra nice to her, knowing that she'll draw parallels between Luke and his older brother if given the chance. Calum assures us that we're allowed over, that his Mum and Mali are there and that his Mum has mellowed out on the whole Luke situation . 

So we all find ourselves at Calum's house. Luke is extremely out of place and when he and Mali actually bump into each other - both turning corners in the house at the same time - it's like everything slows to a halt. Luke freezes, as does Mali and their eyes lock on each other for too long. The silence is too long before Mali speaks. 

"Luke - I - I missed you," And I wasn't expecting that kind of interaction, but Mali just opens her arms and wraps Luke in a hug. Luke still isn't good with the whole hugging thing, but he welcomes it and it looks familiar . He's used to this, it's a distant memory and it's a lot for both of them. 

"I'm so sorry - for everything Jack put you through. You didn't deserve anything at all like that. I wish you met him at a later date," Luke explains and Mali just nods as she rests her head on his shoulder and it's like something just works . It's like they really know each other, like they're long lost friends and I suppose being the sibling of who Mali went out with means that you spent some time together. They know each other. 

"I wish we still talked. You and I. Jack and I. I love him despite everything. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. Is he better? Is he getting better?" She asks, sniffling a little and Luke just holds her equally as close. They're keeping each other above water and Calum watches on like the protective brother he is. Ashton watches on too and it feels so natural. It feels real .

"I wish we talked too. Jack's good, better than I am. He got out, he's been in rehab, he's sober. He's better, properly better. He loves you too. He's so sorry for everything and he knows no apology can really make up for what he did. But he is sorry," Luke explains and Mali just nods. She forgives too easily, she does, but I'm thankful. She would forgive Jack in a heartbeat after everything he ever did to her and Calum knows that too. That's what he's scared of. 

"I'm sorry too. I just want to know him. I want to see him and talk because we're both adults now and I've never loved anyone how I've loved him. Thank you for coming. Calum - I need to talk to you," Mali says, letting go of the hug and Calum takes her hand, guiding her away and telling us to go upstairs to his room. We all listen, Luke's a little dazed so I take his hand and we follow Ashton up the stairs into Calum's still very unique room. 

Really Luke doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. He just sits with me on Calum's couch, resting his head on my shoulder once more, breathing and trying to calm down. He's not worked up about anything in one way or another, but he wants to stay neutral. He wants to ride on the line of not skewed into sadness, anger or happiness. He wants to stay on the line of simply existing. Luke needs to know that it's alright to feel. It's okay. 

Eventually Calum's door opens and the brunette enters the room, holding his little dog and he knows that dogs significantly raise Luke's mood and I know that was the plan all along. I see Luke try to fight it, but Cal places Duke on the ground and the dog immediately walks over to Luke, tapping Luke's shoe with his foot and it melts Luke. A genuine smile on his face and Calum was a quick thinker. He didn't need to do that, but it means a lot. 

He asks if the dog is allowed on the couch and Calum just says that it's usually where he sleeps at night, so Luke picks up the dog, placing him on the couch next to him and speaking French to the little animal. I think it's just habit at this point, but Luke's mood is a whole lot brighter and it's so odd to me how something as simple as a dog can trigger such a good mood in Luke. It's a good thing in a time like this. 

"Chiot mignon. Hé, comment ça va, petit gars?" Luke speaks, petting the dog and Duke is living his absolute best life right now showered in such affection. I saw how Luke was with his dogs, he absolutely loves the four legged animals and this is no exception. It's weird to see him this joyful and clearly Calum wasn't actually expecting this to work, it was more like wishful thinking, but now he seems to understand.

"Jesus, I thought you were just joking Luke. If you ever want to come over and hang out with Duke, just text me. He loves the attention," Calum explains to Luke and the blondes eyes light up at that, nodding almost excitedly and I understand now how his moods can just flip entirely in minutes due to these triggers that just affect his emotions this greatly. Now that we're finding things that make him happy, it seems a whole lot easier to keep him brighter. 

"It's past mid-day, right? Should we eat? I'm just kind of hungry, that's all," Luke explains as he pays the dog, his eyes never leaving Duke as he speaks and Luke being in a good mood is a great thing. He's actually thinking about keeping himself full - or at least fed - and that's a great thing. Technically Calum welcomed us over for a Christmas lunch which his family always go overboard for. So there's bound to be a fuck ton of food that needs eating. 

We eventually head back downstairs, once Luke finally allows himself to leave Duke and he just holds my hand as we walk down the stairs, truly in a good mood now. We introduce Luke to Joy, Calum's mother and I know that she's obviously going to draw conclusions about what Luke is like considering what Cal has said about him in the past and about what Jack did to Mali, but she can see that Mali is content with Luke around, so she gives Luke a chance. 

"Help yourselves to any food, it needs eating," Joy says and she's the only mother of one of my friends that insists on us calling her by her first name. We all thank her very much and go to the dining room where food is out on the table, pavlova, Christmas ham, fruit on skewers, cheese and crackers and I don't know how much exactly Luke will eat out of the food here, but as long as he eats something I'll be glad. 

"What's that?" Luke points at the pavlova, looking at Calum for some explanation whilst he practically clings to my arm and he's definitely not an Aussie kid. Nor a kiwi kid.

"It's a pavlova. It's made from egg whites and sugar. It's like a massive meringue but far better. My Mum argues that it originated in New Zealand, some Aussies think it originated here. You get the idea. It's a dessert food but it's most popular at Christmas time," Calum explains and it's a good explanation, probably too far in depth for what Luke was asking, but he nods nonetheless. 

Luke grabs one of the skewers with the various fruit on it and I picked that he would choose that of all things to eat. He won't eat the Christmas ham - he doesn't eat meat, he won't eat the pavlova - it's covered in cream and he can't really have that. So fruit and cheese and crackers seems like it'll be his food of choice here. 

"Luke, how do you celebrate Christmas in France? Like what do you do there?" Calum asks the blonde as Luke pulls off a piece of fruit, eating it with a rather neutral expression on his face. Really I don't know much about Luke's Christmas traditions, so I too want the answer. 

"At my place I usually wake up early, have breakfast, start drinking - then that's kind of where Christmas goes blank. I don't know what to tell you," Luke explains rather off-handedly and cool . He's so casual about it that it feels so wrong and Calum always knows the wrong things to say when it comes to talking to Luke, so of course he comments on it. 

"Does that not scare you? Being that drunk, does it not scare you?" Calum asks and Luke just shakes his head. He's not scared of it, but he's apprehensive about what can happen to someone whilst being that drunk. He knows his limits somewhat. That's all that really matters. 

"I hardly remember what we did in France, that whole thing was practically a bender. After that, I don't really want to drink anymore after what happened there. That's why I'm going to go to rehab," Luke explains and I'm glad he's sticking with that one. He just gives me a smile, taking one of the grapes on the table and eating it. I know Luke has a large appetite when he isn't punishing himself for merely existing and right now he's allowing himself to go crazy in contrast to his usual eating habits recently. 

We all end up eating, myself having some of the pavlova and the Christmas ham. It's good, it's what I've craved for a long while and I eat until I'm absolutely full beyond words. Luke eats a lot too, a lot of fruit and a lot of crackers. I'm glad he's fueling his body, and he's still determined to swim or surf. He tells me about how before the train tracks he and his brother went to the beach he wants to take us to. He tells me that he surfed there all day, from about six in the morning till midnight and of course he and his brother did. He says he's not an athletic person, but then again, he's a great skater and I can only imagine a great surfer too. 

We have to whip back around to Luke's house, one - so that he can get his board and wetsuit and two - so that he can take out his contacts and say hey to Jack. We go with Ash who takes Calum too, dropping us at Luke's and the older Hemmings brother has already apparently waxed Luke's board and put it on top of their car that Jack explains either he can drive or I can drive. 

Luke runs inside to get into his wetsuit because he says that it's practically necessary for surfing and he also tells me that he'll grab his swim trunks for me, which I just call bathers and he says whatever . Eventually he comes back out with his wetsuit pulled up to his hips, the sleeves and top of it tied around his waist because its still hot and fuck he looks beautiful. He looks like a real Aussie surfer boy with his wavy blonde hair and his wetsuit on and honestly I love him more than I should. I can see his scars, up his arms and on his stomach, but I don't say anything. It's not really something you point out. 

"What? Do I look bad? Fuck," Luke asks me, panicking a little and crossing his arms over his chest. He has it all wrong, I would never think he looks bad, I don't think anyone would ever think he looks bad, but Luke's mind likes to screw him over. I need to reassure him. 

"No, you're gorgeous, don't ever think that you aren't. Let's get going, yeah?" I say to him and he just nods. Jack said that he'll drive us here and so Luke sits in the front with him. Myself in the back as I listen to the two brothers chat in French the whole way there. They've needed a proper catch up, really they do and so I just listen, not understanding but loving this nonetheless. Jack really is a flawless driver, better than myself and Calum even. 

Eventually we make it to the beach which is secluded and barren and Luke definitely knew that it would be the best beach here. He manages to get the board off of the roof of the car and the other two boys tell him that he looks like an Aussie surfer dude. That's exactly what I was thinking. Luke scrunches up his nose at the word dude , but he doesn't comment on it and he takes the time to finally do up his wetsuit properly, the skin-tight material hugging him and showing everyone truly how thin he is. No one says anything, everyone just smiles and the other two boys already changed into their bathers, but I need to hop into the little changing room up here to get changed too. 

I get changed, taking off my shirt too and I'm so pale that even I can make a joke about it. The others definitely do, they laugh and tell me to get more sun, but I'll never be able to compete with them. Luke just kisses me and that shuts the others up because I may be paler than a ghost, but I'm the one who's engaged, so they can suck my dick. 

"Please make sure I don't drown. I have a tenancy to kind of get into sticky situations. I’m also kind of blind without my contacts. See you on the other side," Luke explains, kissing me again before walking down to the water, leaving us here and he's in his element once more. He lays the board in the water, wading some way out before we've even reached the water ourselves, and eventually he lays on the board, paddling out to where the waves are actually surf waves and - that's far too far out for me, but he knows what he's doing because he looks at home on the water. 

He can surf too. He really can because he stands on his board, riding the wave like it's the easiest thing in the world and he's honestly insane. I don't know why he's so good at obscure things like this, but he is and he's living his life to the fullest right now, surfing like a pro as he yells a ' woooo ' and he just looks so happy that it's ridiculous.

He jumps off of his board, diving into the wave he was surfing on and he just let's his board float in land a bit as he swims after it. Luke Hemmings, wet hair, swimming, surfing - looking far too damn sexy to be real. Eventually we make our way into the water too and it's crystal clear. It's not freezing, but it isn't warm, so I splash Calum rather aggressively with some of the water when he refuses to put his head underwater and he just tackles me, pushing me under, leaving me coughing and spluttering for air. It's all in good fun though and I'm glad we're doing this. 

We go out quite far, till we can no longer touch the sand beneath us and Luke paddles over, sitting on his surfboard like all of those guys I drooled over in movies. He just sits here, on his surfboard, watching us splash each other and watching me doggie paddle for dear life in an attempt to stay above the surface because I can hardly swim to save my life. It's not the most relaxing thing really, but eventually Luke helps pull me up onto his surfboard too, allowing me to sit here with him in his embrace as we just bob up and down in the water. It's beautiful out here. 

It's nice, leaning my back up against Luke's chest as we sit here, his chin on my shoulder as he hums the same tune he did the other day. I still can't recognize it, I still don't know where it comes from and when I ask him what it is, he just shrugs and says that he's not sure yet . It's something he's made up, he's always thinking about music at any given moment and now isn't an exception. 

It's definitely all more romantic than it should be, because really we're just in the water, sitting on a surfboard as the other two boys splash us every now and again to snap us out of our lovey dovey-ness and they're just jealous. 

"It's happening again," Luke whispers after a brief silence and I immediately move to turn to him so I can determine what exactly is happening again. I swivel around so that I'm now facing him and I know exactly what it is that he's talking about. He's dissociating, like that time where he couldn't physically understand or process me at all and he's falling into something similar. His eyes look glazed, he looks gone and when I speak his name lightly, he just hums a little. 

"Luke? Louka. Focus baby. Can you feel my hand?" I speak calmly, holding one of his hands in my own and he just squeezes it so lightly, barely noticeable as his eyes stay on mine, trying to keep his mine from dissociating. He's not doing the best job, but he's trying and that's all I can ask for. 

"Not really. I'm okay," Luke speaks and his tone sounds foreign to me, no particular emotion in what he said and he can't really feel my hand in his - great. He's absolutely dissociating and I call out to Ash for a little help here. Ashton is good with these things and I don't even need to explain for him to understand. He keeps his voice quiet and calm as he speaks. 

"He's out of the water, which is good, yes? Speak softly, squeeze his hand tightly but not aggressively and he should come out of it," He explains and I do that and it's like Luke's eyes unglaze immediately and he just looks around a little, taking in the scenery of where he is and what happened. 

"I'm sorry - I felt so disconnected from my mind. Everything felt detached and I couldn't really feel my body. I don't know what that was," Luke explains and he's not panicked nor brushing it off, he's just explaining and I hug him when I know he's alright with it. He just rests against me, not really hugging me back and I hate that he's still a little lost, but glad he's able to process things. 

"It's dissociation, Luke. It's alright, it happens to me sometimes, I can pull myself out of it, usually with ice in my hands when I feel spacey or just grounding myself. I try to find things I can fully explain around me and it keeps me in the moment. If anything about this situation at all is triggering to you, then we can call it a day. No one wants you to be hurting," Ashton explains to Luke and the blonde just says that he's fine. Truly fine. That it was just his mind wandering to outside thoughts. His mind wandered to things that hurt him. 

"Louka? Baby, maybe we can swim, yeah? Do you want to take your board in and splash around with us? I feel like you've distanced yourself today. You alright?" I ask him and he just smiles, telling me that he didn't mean to have distance between us. That he'll take his board to shore before coming back to join us. I'm struggling really because swimming has never been my thing, so we go back inland a little. At least until I can touch the ground and Luke tells me that I really am an awful swimmer. 

"Did no one ever teach you how to swim?" Luke asks me with a laugh, splashing me directly in the face with water and it gets in my eye of course , leading to me grumbling in self loathing before I give him the answer to his question. 

"Nobody did. I refused to do swimming at primary school because I didn't want to be in a pool with other people. Fun fact, I learnt from then on that a teacher cannot force you into a pool. Luke, how did you get away with never doing group assessments?" I ask him when it comes to mind and he just laughs a little, drawing out an uhh before giving me an answer. 

"Similarly, refuse to do it as a group, submit it as a solo assessment and you're good as gold. They can't not accept it. The school sets that it's a group task but the education ministry sets it as a solo assessment, so they can't refuse marking and moderation," Luke explains and of course he knows all of the back lanes and secrets of submitting school assessments. I mean - who even thinks of that shit? Luke clearly. 

"And how did you manage to take like - ten standards this year when we could only take six classes?" Calum asks and I had wondered about that. Luke's exam week was busier than anyone else's. He took ten exams in a week, two every day and it drained the life out of him, but he got perfect one hundred percent scores on each and every one. I don't understand how he could legally take that many standards, let alone ace them, but he explains. 

"I took ten because I feel as though I needed to. My classes this year were odd. It was a rotating timetable, so I had different assortments of those ten classes every week. I took; Calculus, Trigonometry, Historical Literature, History, French, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Algebra and Economics. Two of which didn't have external assessments, so I took the opportunity to do two scholarship papers for both Biology and Calculus. It was all pretty easy really," Luke explains the whole thing and I'm shocked. So are the other two boys. 

"Jesus Luke, someone's gonna think that you were the one who came up will all of the medicines your fathers company sells with all of those brains of yours," Calum says and I think Luke and I both freeze up, immediately creating questions. Luke clears it up with the truth rather bluntly. 

"I did. You can't tell anyone, it's very illegal for me to have done that, but it's helping people and it's safe - it's just that my dad didn't discover many things. I'd say it was quite half and half," Luke explains rather off-handedly and that's not just something you drop casually in a sentence like this. When Luke told me about this I was beyond shocked. Somehow the other two boys seem to look even more shocked than that. 

"What?-" This time it's Ash who's dumbfounded, stuttering a little when no words come to mind and he's acting very much how I felt when Luke told me the exact same thing in France. Luke just shrugs his shoulders a little before holding his breath and submerging himself underwater and it feels like he's trying to hide from what he just said. He just stays underwater, swimming away like a little fish and I knew he was stubborn and hid from things, but this is a little ridiculous. 

"What does he mean Michael? Is he telling the truth?" Calum asks me and I just have to shrug too before nodding a little. Really I shouldn't explain, I know how illegal it all was for that to have happened in the first place, but my best friends would never snitch or call out Luke. 

"Yeah. But he can't take credit for it because it's illegal because he's not qualified and - ya know, a child," I explain to them and Ashtons breath hitches a little as he nods because he understands the implications that arises both for Luke and for the Hemmings business as a whole. It's illegal, if that got out Luke could very well lose everything or gain a hell of a lot. It's better if no one really finds out. 

"Is that a great thing? Don't get me wrong, it's an incredible thing for someone to make something like that, but lying to people who are trusting a health system and trusting that a qualified adult made what they're taking? Some people would be highly against that, right?" Ashton asks me and I understand fully what he's getting at, but it's not like Luke can just disclose that. 

"Some people, probably, but Luke's helped make incredible things. He's helped make anticonvulsants for people with epilepsy and fucking - something that's better than panadol or ibuprofen. He's made medical miracles come to life and I think that if people can get the help they need, it doesn't matter who came up with the idea," I explain and they just shrug, not too sure on what exactly to say. 

Then there's a nagging feeling in my brain that something isn't right. I can't place my finger on what exactly is wrong, but I look around a little to figure out what it is that's off , and I realize all too quickly what it is that's not right and my heart immediately drops.

“Luke? Have you seen Luke?” I quickly ask the other two boys because - I haven’t seen Luke since he just disappeared underwater when the blonde decided to run away from his problems and that felt like lifetimes ago . I know he hasn’t surfaced since then, he hasn’t had air since then, and the other boys seem to also understand that he’s not above water. He’s somewhere underwater and it’s fucking terrifying.

“Fuck - Luke? Luke!” And seeing Ashton worry is something equally as terrifying. We all end up calling out to Luke, practically screaming as we try our darndest to locate the blonde and where exactly he is right now. Alive? Breathing? Okay? Drowning? I’m not sure and I think I’m sobbing as I call out Luke’s name - practically praying that he’s okay.

“Luke! Louka - Luke!” And I’m just screaming his name, as are the other two boys and I feel like I can’t breathe. I wade out deeper, whipping my head around, trying to find him, trying to see something and I don’t know what to do. I just keep screaming out for him, just screaming for Luke because I need him. I can’t do this without him.

And thank fuck he’s okay because he just surfaces with a gasp of air and a smile and that was by no means a pleasurable experience . He doesn’t realize what’s wrong, nor why we all look so panicked and why I’m practically sobbing, so he very quickly worries himself and wades through the water to me. I just lose it at him really.

“Don’t scare me like that! I thought you drowned Luke! What the fuck?” I say, holding onto him for dear life, sobbing into his shoulder and whenever it comes to hugging me he just holds me close, running his hands through my hair and I’m just fucking glad he’s alive. I thought he drowned, I thought he was gone .

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry Michael. I’m okay, I’m here, I didn’t drown, I was just laying underwater. I got lost in my thoughts, I’m okay,” Luke says to me and I just hug him tightly, never wanting to let him out of my sight at all because I don’t ever want to see him get hurt. What does he mean he was just laying under water? Who just lays under water for more than a few minutes straight? Who can just casually hold their breath for that long?

“Why were you underwater for that long? I thought you were so dead,” I say to him, kissing his jaw line as I speak my panicked words and he just hugs me and hushes me, calming me down before he answers me.

“I do it in the bath too. See how long I can zone out and hold my breath. I’m sorry I scared you, I lost track of time," Luke explains and I just nod as I rest my head on his shoulder. He's really sorry, he clearly feels awful because he's touchy feely right now and he’s only like this when he feels bad for something. He feels awful.

“Please don’t do that again. I thought we completely lost you. I think you caused three people to have shortened lives now because of that. You probably took five fucking years off of all of us. I was so scared, we were so scared,” I say, speaking for the other boys and myself, and Luke just apologizes once more sincerely.

“I’m so sorry. I was thinking and it’s quiet under water. I finally have lyrics for what I’ve been humming for days. I need to maybe write when we get home. Is that okay?” Luke asks me when he explains what he was doing and he’s always so quick to flip things around that I’m sure I have mental whiplash from how quickly Luke jumps from subject to subject in his own mind and also verbally.

“Slow down - please just slow down for five minutes Luke. I need to calm down and I need you to just - just please slow down your mind for a while. I know you’re always all go, but you need to give yourself a break,” I say to him because I’m always on go when Luke is on go and I’m just so exhausted mentally. I’m not as mentally strong as Luke is - that’s fact - but I need a break for a minute. Just ten minutes.

“I’m sorry - I can’t make my mind slow down, this is just how I am. That’s why I lay underwater and just be . I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to worry you,” Luke explains and I just hug him, not mad, just sad. I’m just upset that he can never catch a break from his own mind because I know how exhausting it can be when you can’t slow down your thoughts.

“It’s alright, just don’t do it again,” I say and he promises that he won’t. We stay wrapped in each others arms for a long time, just here, just in each others touch and Luke is calmingly running his hand up and down my back, under the water because it’s quite deep where we are and Ashton and Calum are just allowing us this moment. Just allowing us this time. Allowing us a moment in each other’s arms as the water flows over our bodies, making us both feel so close.

“Michael? I’m sorry but I just really need to write something right now. I really need some paper and a pen to write something down,” Luke says after a while and he’s antsy, he can't really keep still because he's at his wits end and I don't want him to explode if I don't let him do this. We have to make some kind of compromise. 

"Want to write it on my phone? It's in Ash's car on one of the back seats if you wanna go up and grab it and write in the notes app? It's just got a password my phone, it's just your full first name actually," I say to him and he gives me a slight smirk and - yeah I'm cliché like that, but it's a good password. Louka. Who's going to guess that? He tells me that he'll be right back and he never gives himself a break. Never ever at all. 

He goes up to Ashtons car that the older boy always leaves unlocked stupidly, but right now it's a good thing. I watch as he somehow struggles to get into Ashtons car and I've joined Ash and Calum, the older boy just laughing at Luke's uselessness. I'm sure that boy wouldn't be able to do anything practical at all. I mean - Cal, Ash and I all know how to hotwire a car for no particular reason except the fact that our deranged engineering teacher taught us how to back in year ten. I bet Luke doesn't even know how to put fuel in a car. 

He eventually grabs out my phone and I watch him plod back down to the beach as he types something on my phone. He nearly trips over his feet when he hits sand and he'll be glad he didn't trip because when he looks up he sees that we're all watching him, keeping an eye on him. He's been clumsier recently, he's detoxing so I don't blame him, but it's still odd to see Luke so normal . Making mistakes, not being so professionally poised. 

“Hey Michael, what are the other notes for?” Luke asks after a while, after he sat on the beach laying on the sand and probably getting a significant amount of sand on him, seeing as he’s absolutely dripping wet. He’s going to have to get back into the water before we leave purely so he doesn’t get sand everywhere.

“I don’t know mate, just random shit. Just put the phone on the sand when you’re done and come back out here, okay?” I ask Luke and he just calls out a yeah as he mindlessly taps away at my phone, writing out whatever was necessary before turning off my phone after asking how to save a note because he doesn’t know how to and he’s cute.

He wades back out into the water after a while, falling backwards when he’s deep enough that he can just fall back and let the water take him. He has a smile on his face, allowing himself to get swallowed by the water and he has an odd obsession with the waves and the feeling of being under the water because he stays under there for a while once more.

I don’t know how he does it, but when I can keep an eye on him, when I can watch as he swirls his arms around him under the water, but letting the water just keep him suspended in time in some sense. His eyes are open, clearly salt-water doesn’t irritate his eyes like it irritates mine because I'd quite literally rather poison myself than open my eyes in the ocean. Eventually he comes up again, gasping for air and - yeah I would be too if I was under water that long. 

"I don't think smoking and holding my breath go hand in hand funnily enough - Jesus fucking Christ," Luke exclaims as he coughs a little and he's definitely right. He's gotta lay off on the smoking, that's a fact and he's not the only person who thinks that. Ashton's vocal about his hatred for alcohol, drugs and smoking, as is Calum really - but I'm a little more lenient on the subject matter. Mainly because I too have gotten drunk and high with Luke, so it's all kind of alright in my mind on some occasions. No hard drugs, no alcohol poisoning. 

"You're right. Focus on that whole holding your breath thing rather than the whole - smoking thing," I say to him and he just rolls his eyes a little, all in good faith before pecking my lips and he smiles like a school-girl who just stole a kiss from her crush for the first time. Really Luke is an absolutely crazy luster for love. I feel like I've thought that a million times, but he always seems to remind me and it's a crazy thing. He's like a storybook romantic and that's exactly the best way to describe it. 

"You know Michael, I really want to marry you. I really, really want to," Luke whispers by my ear as he hugs me, his arms around my waist under water and he's too lovey dovey for this exact moment, but it's music to my ears nonetheless. 

"How did we go from barely talking without arguing, to this in a matter or months Luke? I'm not complaining at all, I've been waiting years for us to be more than friends, it's just still surreal because you could have anyone and you chose me. Jack said you apparently used to say my name when you touched yourself. Is that true?" I ask him, also keeping my voice down and by the look of horror and embarrassment that crosses his face, I can answer that question about him saying my name for him. He definitely did. 

"I - why the fuck would he mention that of all things? Jesus Christ - if it weirds you out I apologize immensely. I've just always thought about you, ever since I met you when we started high-school. I've always wanted to be with you and I'm glad I finally built up enough courage to allow myself to entirely and totally love everything about you," Luke explains and he's trying to talk his way around what I asked. 

"So you did jerk off and think of me before we were together?" I ask him again with a smile and he just groans a little before sighing and nodding. It fills me with a sense of satisfaction, to know he's loved me for longer than I thought he has. To know he's probably dreamed about kissing me as many times as I'd dreamt about kissing him. I've crushed on Luke hard since the beginning of high school too. Why did it take us five years to sort out our mutual feelings?

"I have been in love with you for five years, Michael Clifford. I have loved you since I was twelve years old and you were so much cooler than I was. You were always taller than me, always coloring your hair all of the colors I obsessed over and I've never not loved you. I pushed you away for so long because I was in denial and desperate to be internally homophobic so I didn't have to love you anymore and so I could just be content with the girls from school that wanted to fuck me. I guess it never really worked and I allowed myself to unfearfully love you," Luke explains and I didn't think he'd admit any of that. 

"Save the soppy lovey dovey shit for when we aren't here," Calum says when he realizes what's going on and Luke just flips him off, pecking my lips again and I just bask in it for a few seconds before we seem to have the same idea. We both splash the other boys at the exact same time, starting a splashing war that lasts far too long, but is full of genuine laughter from all four of us for the entire time. It's refreshing. Luke is happy. Actually happy. 

Eventually the sun begins to set and we have to make our way back home. We hop out of the water, Calum running up to Ashtons car to retrieve the four beach-towels he thankfully brought to the beach and we all wrap ourselves in the fabric as we run up the beach, all the way to the car park, washing the sand from out bare feet with the tap that's thankfully up here. Whoever came up with that idea is brilliant. 

Luke washes his surfboard too, wondering just how we're supposed to get it home, seeing as Jack left when we got dropped off and his car was the one with the ability to carry the board on the roof. Luke however, is a thinker - so when he comes up with a great idea, it's no surprise really. Luke suggests to just ring up Jack and tell him to get his ass down here and pick up the board and I forget that Luke memorizes numbers, because he just uses my phone and eventually Luke's board is travelling to his house and we're travelling back to mine in Ashton's car, getting dropped off and quickly telling them to wait up so Luke and I can run inside to get them their Christmas presents.

Chapter Text

The interaction is great, they love their presents and eventually we let them leave. It's all with a promise to see them soon and eventually we wander back inside, greeting my parents before going upstairs to quickly get changed. 

Luke is off. I don't know what's wrong but it's definitely something. He just gets changed facing away from me, not speaking to me at all and that's odd, but I don't question it just now. We go back downstairs and Luke barely acknowledges my parents, instead just walking over to the free couch, facing away from all eyes and just curling up a little. I don't know what's suddenly affected Luke's mood like this, but I don't like seeing him upset. 

I sit behind him, testing the waters, touching his back lightly with my hand before getting the wordless all clear and hugging him lightly. I allow him time, I allow him silence for a while and when nothing improves - when he worsens and just starts sobbing lightly, I have to ask what's wrong. I can't stay in the dark anymore. 

"Baby, talk to me angel. You okay?" I ask him, running my fingers through his hair as I just listen to his breath hiccupping with sobs and I've always hated this sound. He tries to calm himself until he can finally breathe properly and answer me. 

"I don't know. I just feel so alone and confused and I can't really shut up my mind. I've been so antsy and all electric today and I don't even know what I'm saying. I don't know the right English words. I'm just so full of energy, but I'm so tired and drained," Luke explains and I just want to understand his mind more. He's frustrating himself more because he's flustered. He's worked himself up now, so words don't really come to him and that just frustrates him more. So there the awful circle of fuckery begins. 

"It's okay. I'm sure the right words will come to you. It's okay to feel drained, today was a lot for you, a lot of interaction with the others and a lot of shitty stuff with your Mum, yeah? Being drained is okay," I say to him and he just nods, burying his face into his hands as he sobs harder, trying to pull himself back together after every sob. 

"I'm just in a mood - just leave me alone for a while," Luke explains, finally pushing me away rather than pulling me close and it's one of the first times in a while that he'd rather me leave him be than comfort him. Everyone needs their space at certain times, and right now, while his hair is almost impossible not to touch because of how salt-water-curly it is, he wants his space and I have to give it to him. 

"Yeah - yeah, alright. I love you. Don't ever forget that babe," I say to him before I leave him alone for a while and really it's true, he does need some time away from me. We've been together for days and days and days on end and I know that's what it's like for old married couples and so on, but we aren't made for that just yet. I motion for my parents to follow me into the dining room, and they wordlessly follow me, obviously also confused about what's going on with Luke. 

“Did something happen while you were all out?” My mother asks quietly and I really don’t know. I never know with Luke and I just want to understand him a bit more. I never know just what’s going on. I don’t know what is happening with Luke and I just wish that I had more understanding of Luke as a whole.

“I don’t know. A lot happened today. Luke’s mother called, he lost his shit and he smashed his phone. He also spaced out at the beach, but I don’t think that’s still affecting him. I don’t know. I got him a pack of cigarettes at a dairy that happened to be open and he smoked a lot. We also found out that dogs seem to be the only thing to make him truly happy” I explain and they just kind of nod, trying to think of something to say or ask.

“Should one of us chat to him?” My Mother asks and I think that’s actually a good idea. Luke is desperate for parental figures that actually care about him. He’s desperate for a real Mum and Dad and right now I think my parents are all he’s got.

“Maybe Dad? I think Luke needs a father figure right now,” I say and my Dad just nods, leaving to have a chat with Luke if that’s what the blonde wants right now. He’s gone for a while and I can only imagine Luke’s having a moment with my Dad. I’m glad he’s not pushing him away, he’s not telling him to leave him alone. He just wanted some time away from me, and that’s okay.

Eventually both my father and my fiancé enter the room and Luke has tears on his cheeks. He approaches me, just to hug me, just to cling onto me for dear life and I just kiss his hair, I press a kiss into his hair and he sniffles a little. I don’t know what exactly to ask him, I don’t know what to say - I don’t know if I need to say anything. But my Dad speaks first.

“I think Luke wants to maybe go to the prize-giving with you. Yeah, Luke?” My Dad asks and I definitely wasn’t expecting that at all. I was expecting something more sinister, but then again Luke gets worked up over small things and of course this is one of those things. Luke was just in a mood, as he said.

“I just - I want to do something normal for a change. I want to finally go to the prize-giving and do a school thing for once. Is that okay?” Luke asks and of course it’s okay . He has every right to come to the prize-giving. He just needs to email his confirmation that he is in fact coming. It’s a new rule, something about wanting to know approximate numbers for senior prize-giving.

“Yes, it’s so okay Luke. We’ll email the school and let you know that you’re coming. I can email them for you, okay?” I say to him and he just nods because there’s no way that he could do that himself. He doesn’t know how to do it, he doesn’t know how to email someone and he just laughs lightly about that, wiping away his tears as he sniffles a little.

“I’m sorry I just had a moment. I - I was wallowing in self pity and hatred. I don’t know, I was just down and upset, but I’m alright now. It’s okay,” Luke explains, hugging me and I just kiss along his jaw line a little, trying to show him how much I love him and he just giggles a little, an actual happy giggle and he’s so cute.

“It’s alright. I know that you get in bad headspaces and that’s okay, we’ll just work hard to make sure that you don’t get in those headspaces as often,” I say to him and he nods once more. The day is coming to a close already - we’ve got to have dinner, then we have to open presents then it will be bedtime. The day was full of so much, it’s been a long one.
“Hey Mum, what’s for dinner?” I ask my mother in an attempt to somewhat change the subject and Luke just perks up at that too.

“I was thinking a roast since - ya know, that’s what’s cooking,” She notes with a smile and I hadn’t even realised that oh yeah, that is what’s currently cooking right now. It’s a good dinner, as long as it isn’t roast chicken - although Luke wouldn’t eat any meat regardless. I know that getting Luke to eat will probably be difficult, but as long as he has something I’ll be happy.

“Michael, can I talk to you?” Luke asks me, tugging on my arm lightly and always . I take him upstairs to my room and he just stands here in silence for a while, looking around the room, looking for something to complain about, looking for something to change or alter before he snaps himself out of it and joins me sitting on my bed.

“What’s up mate?” I have to ask to initiate conversation between us and I’m glad he actually takes my cue to speak. He’s rather unpredictable sometimes.

“Uhm, I think Calum and has been drinking. I saw vodka in his room, maybe you should check on him. I don’t think he’s great, he was hungover today, I could see it in his eyes,” Luke says to me and my breath just hitches because, what? Calum would surely tell me if something were up. He would talk to me because we’ve been friends since kindergarten. He should tell me.

“What? Like - do you think I should call him? Is he okay? Wait - you don’t know the answer to that - why didn’t you say anything?” I ask him in a panic, grabbing out my phone when he nods about my question regarding calling Calum.

“I was going to say something right there and then, but Calum just - the dog. I said what happens when dogs are in a room, I told you all and then he immediately did that, but then I just lost track of where my mind was,” Luke explains to me and I just dial Calum’s number right here and now, putting it on speaker phone, making sure Luke can hear Calum too.

I let the line ring for a bit, and as soon as I was going to give up, the brunette boy picks up and I immediately know something is off when he greets me.

“Michael. Mikey hello best friend,” And he’s never once greeted me like that before. He’s never said that before and I immediately know that he’s definitely not sober at all. When did this start? Why did this start and why hasn’t he told me about it. Why has he pretended all day that Luke is the awful one when he’s doing something similar behind closed doors? He can’t ruin himself like this.

“Why are you drinking Calum? How much did you have? Don’t bullshit me either, you’re hurting yourself,” I say to him, asking questions that just make him grumble a little. He knows that he’s gotten caught and he’s so wasted right now that he just slurs out an apology and an honest answer to me.

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to. I’m so upset because I just want Fay to love me more and I remembered the party and partying and it was so fun. I just like feeling so party fun all the time but I feel sick. I feel like I’m going to die. I had - what’s how much is in a whole bottle of vodka but just like one shot left. Spinning,” Calum sounds so far gone and I hear a bang and a crash before Calum just laughs lightly.

“You had a whole bottle of vodka?” And there’s a hum of agreement on the line before I speak again.
“What is wrong with you Calum? Luke and I are coming over right now. Don’t do anything stupid, don’t have anything else to drink either you idiot,” I say to him and he just grumbles, saying a yeah quietly and Luke understands too how important this is. Calum isn’t used to drinking. A whole bottle of vodka will fucking kill him.

I explain the situation to my parents briefly as Luke and I practically run out of the house, hopping in the car and getting to Calum’s house in record time - probably speeding a little and we just walk in because his Mum’s car is no longer there. Calum is either home alone, or with Mali too. I don’t know.

“Calum? Hey buddy, where are you?” I call out when we get inside and I just hear my name spoken from upstairs and Cal is definitely in his room. I open the door and Luke follows, and I realize quickly what it is that made the bang crash sound. He broke one of his little pot plants on his shelving unit. He’s curled up on his bed, clutching his stomach with his arms as he groans in pain. This isn't good. It's far from good. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry I don't want this feeling,” Calum slurs and there is an empty bottle of vodka next to him and god when did my friends all become so idiotic. He’s just hugging his stomach, clearly in immense pain and Luke decides to take this into his own hands, pulling Calum up and dragging him off of the bed, keeping him upright and practically holding his entire weight.

“Bathroom - where’s your bathroom? We’re going to have to get you to throw up, you don’t want alcohol poisoning,” Luke says to the brunette and Calum just says upstairs, so I guide Luke and my best friend to the bathroom so that Luke can use the exact same trick his brother used when it came to Luke’s overdose. He asks Cal which toothbrush is his, then uses it to make him throw up.

It’s a good idea, and eventually Calum is throwing up practically pure vodka into the toilet and I thought that Luke of all people would want nothing to do with helping Calum - especially when he’s throwing up - but he pleasantly surprises me when he’s taking the lead in all of this. The Hemmings family really works on adrenaline.

"He'll be fine, just in a fuck ton of pain. You're an idiot Calum, why would you do this to yourself? You told me so many times to not drink, why the fuck have you started getting wasted?" And Luke is only mad because he's worried. Luke is worried for Calum's health right now and honestly I don't blame him at all. Calum is looking like shit, he's behaving shittily and he needs to get his act together. 

"I wanna be like you. I want people to love me like they love you. I want Michael to spend more time with me again," Calum mumbles out like a little kid and oh. I wasn't expecting that, nor was Luke expecting that either because he just freezes a little. Calum gags over the toilet again, getting more of the toxic fluid out of his system and I'm just glad he's getting it out of his system. 

"Tell me these things Calum. If I knew how much you were hurting, then I'd spend more time with you. I don't want you to drink, let alone drink yourself half to death mate," I say to him and he just nods a little, hardly here and I hate that he's done this to himself. Why isn't his mother home? Why isn't Mali home? Calum's parents aren't together. I'm the only person in my friend group to have two parents in my every day life and I don't know where the Hood ladies could be. 

"I want to be like Luke. I want to just be exactly like him because I think he's too cool. He's the coolest person I know and he drinks. I just want to be the same as him," Calum says and no, he definitely doesn't want that. Luke reiterates that too. 

"No, you want nothing to do with being like me Calum. Not at all. Just be yourself, you're a wonderful person, just stay you. Don't-" And of course Luke notices when Duke enters the bathroom, scouting out what's going on and he stops dead in his tracks with what he was saying. He can't physically fight it. Luke cant fight off his overwhelming love for dogs, so he stays when he is, Calum's toothbrush in hand as he tries desperately to ignore the dog. I try to shoo Duke away, shoo away the problem, but he just gets excited at that and the dumbass dog was never any good at following orders. Unlike Luke's dogs. 

"Luke, focus. Louka, eyes on me okay? Focus on helping Calum and I'll get Duke out of here," I explain to him, picking up the small dog, managing to get the animal downstairs and outside. I close the door then bolt back upstairs. I open the bathroom door again and Calum is just gagging over the toilet and Luke has a comforting hand resting on Calum’s back. He’s awkward - beyond so - but he’s trying.

Eventually Calum ends up just resting against Luke, absolutely curling into the blondes touch and if he weren’t absolutely gone right now, then he never would do this. Luke is very much awkward and keeps his hands far away from Calum. He is frozen, absolutely so as Calum cuddles into Luke and I just let it all happen.

“Oh Michael’s here too. Hi Mikey, can you stay with me? Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?” Calum asks me, moving off of Luke so he can hold his hands out to me, trying to hug me and ugh I guess I’ll have to stay now. I help Calum up to a standing position when we're sure he won't throw up again and he's so drunk that he'd rather me piggy back ride him back to his room rather than just walk with him and I suppose I'll allow it just this once. 

Eventually I flop him onto his little couch and he's so far gone that he just starts mumbling the words to 'I miss you' by Blink-182 and he's fucking hammered. I expected him to be drunk, sure, but absolutely wasted? I wasn't expecting this as much and it's odd to see Cal like this. I've gotten so used to Luke in this state that seeing Cal like this - it's beyond weird. 

"Hey mate, why're you home alone? You would have gotten yourself killed if I Luke didn't get me to call," I ask the intoxicated boy and he just rolls over so that he's looking at me directly when I crouch down beside the sofa he's hopefully going to fall asleep on very soon. 

"Grandma's house because they're staying tonight and I said no and I don't wanna because I wanted to get drunk but it's - shh a secret. I didn't tell them I'd be drunk, I said I was not feeling great. But I'm feeling amazing," Calum's words are hardly words at this point and Luke is just pacing around Calum's room a little, going through a whole lot of shit himself right now. He's hopefully finally realizing what he's like when he's drunk like this because I know Luke would hate to be anything like this - but when he's drunk or high, he's everything like this. 

"Okay, are they staying the night? Alright. Just get some rest and then in the morning take a painkiller and have a lot of water. Don't ever fucking drink again Calum. I swear to god," I say to him and he just apologizes, clearly feeling quite stink about the whole thing. He pats my green hair, telling me that I should dye it again before he drifts off into a drunken slumber. I manage to find a blanket to drape over him and eventually Luke and I can leave for now. 

Eventually we get home and are both honestly exhausted and it's only dinner time. Luke and I barely spoke on the way home, but as soon as we hopped out of the car, Luke wrapped me in a tight, wordless hug that he clearly didn't want to let go of by the way he whined about it all. He just wants to be close. He just wants to be loved right now. 

When we all sit to have dinner Luke doesn't so much as even touch any food at all. He stays quiet, he gives brief responses to any questions asked and he does not eat. He won't listen to me when I try to get him to merely try something, and I hate that he's in a bad mental space. I don't want to pressure him into eating. Skipping one meal now won't kill him, but it's still worrying. 

Eventually we go back upstairs, where we were before the Calum incident and Luke just starts to sob. It's so random, so out of the blue that I really don't know what's happening and Luke just shudders with sobs. I quickly shush him. Holding him in my embrace and he immediately explains what's wrong. Tearing me apart. 

"I'm so sorry. I'm - I can't fucking keep lying to you. I've been fucking high all day and I'm so sorry - I'm trying to hard to be okay but I'm so fucking torn apart, I don't know where to start," Luke explains through sobs and that's what's been wrong all day . He just keeps sobbing and I get him to look at me, really look at me and surely enough, his eyes are dilated more than they should be. I'm not mad, I'm just upset that he'd lie. But I know he's in a beyond difficult spot. 

"Hey, take a few breaths. You're okay. Tell me what you've taken, okay? I'm not mad or anything angel, I just want to help and to understand," I explain to him, asking for a little bit of explanation and he just sniffles a little, trying to clear his mind to give me an answer. 

"I - I took Jack's Xanax's at my house and I just have been taking them when no one was paying attention because I need to feel real. I was spacing out, I just need to stay in control of my brain," Luke explains, his eyes wide with such a fear of himself as he talks and I hate everything about this. He's supposed to be doing better, but he's jumping from drug to drug, trying to find temporary highs that get him through the days and he's practically killing himself. He needs rehab sooner rather than later. 

"Everything you have in your possession that could be used for a temporary high, can you give me it please Luke? I want to get rid of it all, okay?" I ask him and he hesitates for a second before standing and going to his two bags in my room, grabbing out anything that could get him high and oh . Luke's been far from clean for the past few days. Far from it and I should have known from his steady hands, but I was too dumb to even think about it. 

"I'm sorry - I'm sorry I'm so messed up. I can't function without being high and I'm just so scared. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for it to get this bad. I didn't mean to lie, I'm so sorry," Luke apologizes before his words become gasps of air and I need him to calm down and talk to me. I need him to talk to my parents too. And Jamie or just someone soon. It's only a matter of time before Luke goes too far and overdoses again . 
"I just miss Ben so much. I just miss Ben and I hate that I miss Gray and I need my brother but he's gone. I've fucked up Calum because I'm so broken and I hate myself so much. I only love you but all I do is hurt you. I'm so sorry Michael. I don't know what's wrong with me," He sobs out and I wish he could see this from everyone else's point of view. 

"Hey, calm down. Are you high right now? It’s okay, breathe and we can talk about this,” I hate that he nods when I ask if he’s high and he just looks so incredibly lost. This is why he’s been so distant and weird and off the rails today. He’s high, he’s been high and he’s still high now. He’s been taking stuff all day and I just want him to quit but I know it’s not that easy.

“I can’t - I can’t breathe - I can’t fucking do this,” Luke is sobbing in my arms as he struggles to breathe and I hate seeing him like this. I hate seeing him struggling to survive every single day and it hurts everyone around him.

“You can breathe, this feeling is temporary. All feelings are temporary and I promise, you will feel better all in good time,” I say to him, running my hand up and down his back, trying to calm him down so he can actually get some air. I don’t need him passing out any time soon. Little does Luke know, when he’s sobbing out his words, he actually breathes , so I don’t mind when he starts up again, sobbing out his words.

“I want Ben back, Michael I want him back - I wish I listened to him when he was alive. I hate this - I hate that I’m flashing between moments. I don’t know how I get where I am anymore. I don’t know what’s happening anymore and I’m so lost,” Luke sobs out and - hold on, what?

“What do you mean baby? What don’t you understand?” I ask him and he just needs a moment before he can properly speak. I lay us down slowly, just getting him to breathe and calm down before he can fully explain what’s happening to him.

“I’m so far gone. I don’t know how I get to different places - I just black out and then I’m in a different moment. I just don’t know what happened today - I don’t know how we got to the beach or to Calum’s house and I don’t know what I’ve done to mess this up,” Luke sobs out and I just hold him close, trying to think this through.

“Please Luke, please stop taking whatever you’re taking. You’re killing yourself and you don’t see it. You’re hurting yourself more than you’re helping yourself,” I say to him, just trying to get him to see what I’m talking about, but he combats it.

“No - I’m keeping myself alive. I can’t stop my mind from racing and spinning when I’m not high, I need the world to slow down and it just won’t unless I’m so far gone that I don’t even know where I am,” Luke explains and I hate that it’s ever gotten this far. I hate that I’ve ever let this grow to such a terrible issue.

“Lu, take your prescribed meds and the world will slow down for you Luke. Please just hand over everything you have that can get you high and I will help you get better Luke. I hate seeing you like this. I hate seeing you so far gone,” I say to him and he just breaks into more sobs because I know he hates himself like this too.

“I want to be okay again. I don’t know what’s happening to me,” Luke speaks and he’s really getting worked up. He sits up and starts looking around the room as if it looked foreign, as if it were changing, as if he was seeing something that’s ever changing and he starts to sob and scream and he’s really slipping. He’s falling.

“Calm down, shh, breathe Luke, breathe,” I say to him but he just pushes at me, not wanting me to touch him, not wanting me anywhere near him and I have to get some help because he’s fucking lost it. Once again he’s absolutely lost it.

He’s fucking lost it. He’s curled in on himself, terrified of shit that definitely isn’t there and I have to get one of my parents in here to help me because they deal with this stuff at work . They deal with bad overdoses and people losing their shit, and I need someone to help right now.

I call out to my parents rather desperately and they get upstairs rather quickly taking in what’s happening and they just know . They know that Luke’s high, they know that he’s really losing it and he needs help. They don’t see Luke like this, I see Luke like this - but still this is something beyond messed up.

“Luke, calm down mate, whatever you’re seeing will pass. Michael is here, we’re here, just breathe through this. It will pass, the feeling will pass,” My mother speaks, telling me to hold Luke’s hand and I just do exactly that, keeping my eyes on Luke who is looking around wildly, not meeting anyone’s eyes - very clearly worried more so about what he’s seeing all around him rather than what anyone else is saying or doing.

He pulls his hand from my grasp and he goes to stand up, he goes to move, to probably do something awful and dangerous, but my Dad knows what that can lead to. He knows that it will end badly if Luke leaves this room, let alone probably if he leaves this bed. He stands in the way of Luke, making sure he can’t move and Luke just holds onto him for dear life, surprising me. 

He sobs into my fathers embrace, hardly here at all but still just sobbing and holding on to him for dear life and it’s tearing everyone apart. He doesn’t know what to do - Luke that is - but my Dad just runs a hand up and down his back as Luke just sobs and it’s heartbreaking. My mother’s eyes trail over to the four different types of pills that Luke took out of his bag when I asked him to and she reads the labels of all of them as Luke just continues to lose it.

"Oxycodone? Fucking hell Luke. Xanax? Kiddo, we're going to get you to rehab when you've come down love. You're alright," My mother says to Luke and the blonde just starts screaming and sobbing, suddenly fighting away my Dad's touch and he's absolutely losing it. My Dad just holds him, keeping Luke's arms in his grasp, holding his wrists so he can't hurt anyone. If Luke saw himself doing this whilst sober he'd be beyond embarrassed. 

He lets himself just practically crumple to the floor, my Dad keeping him from hurting himself by slowly lowering him down and he just pushes and kicks at my Dad as aggressively as he can manage while in this state and it's not very aggressive to say the least. He's just sobbing quietly, curled up in a ball and not wanting anyone near him. He's exhausted - that much is easy to see, but it's heartbreaking nonetheless. 

My mother grabs all of the pills that Luke managed to practically smuggle into our house and I know she'll take care of them. Eventually Luke absolutely wears himself out, managing to drift off to sleep on the floor and the stark contrast of sudden silence is a lot compared to Luke's prior struggle. I somehow believe I may get a scolding for this one. 

"Michael. We need to talk about this. I'm not mad, far from it. I'm just worried that if we don't stop this as soon as possible, then you won't be getting married because he'll be dead. You care so much about him, try to keep a better eye on what he's taking because I know you hate this as much as I do," My father says to me and I just nod because I could be paying more attention. I haven't kept my eye on him at all moments today and I suppose that's how slip ups occur. 

"I don't know when he does it, he's just sneaky and has probably done this for years. He's really scaring me, Dad. I haven't ever loved someone this much, I want him to be okay," I say to my Dad and he just wraps me in a hug because he knows I need this.

“It’s so difficult Mikey, but you’re doing a good job. You’re doing the best that you can and you need to know that you’re doing so well. You’re treating him so well Michael and I can see how much you love him. Everyone can see how much you love each other,” My father says to me and I’m glad people can see how much we love each other. All I want is for everything to get better.

I don’t really remember much of the rest of the evening. It’s a shitty Christmas. It was going so amazingly, but it turned to shit. I must fall asleep after my Dad offers to carry Luke downstairs into the spare room. I’m just exhausted and so I really don’t mind as long as Luke ends up laying down somewhere comfortable.

I wake up in the morning alone which doesn’t happen often anymore. It’s strange, it’s somewhat refreshing, but I worry about Luke as well. I wake myself up a little, laying here in the silence, just knowing that this means that things are alright for now. Eventually I get up and make my way downstairs to the spare room.

Luke is curled up on the bed, he looks so peaceful here and I just lay with him on the bed, carefully wrapping my arm around him as I listen to his steady breathing. It’s a nice sound, and I fall asleep listening to the calming consistency of his breaths.

I only wake up an hour or so later, but I’m thankful Luke is still asleep when I wake. He’s so adorable, his little nose is my absolute favorite thing about him and he’s so cute. He eventually wakes up, maybe because I’m staring at him and he smiles lightly. It’s just such a light and brief smile before he snuggles into me, apologizing immediately for last night.

“I’m sorry. I don't know when this all got so awful. If you want to send me away to a rehab where I'm not allowed out until I'm clean, then I'll respect that decision. I just want to be me," Luke explains as he buries his face into my chest and I don't think I could send him away as he puts it. He just needs a support system, something to help him, something to encourage him to get better and a professional to help keep him on track. I won't send him away. 

"I'll never send you away to a place like that babe. I've Googled a lot recently in spare time and you can do at home rehab. It's called something like MAT and it will help. You can stay home and still do things, but see a therapist and or a nurse every day like you would at an actual rehabilitation center. It's a lot more difficult, so if you wanted to go to one of those places for a few weeks then you could do that? Whatever you're more comfortable with babe," I speak, running my fingers through his curls and he just shrugs. 

"I think I can do it without rehab, I just need to not have drugs in my vicinity. I can't go back to my house, it's like a crazy drug dealer if houses could have personalities. This house is the safest place for me. I need to be productive and I'll stop thinking about being high. I've been nothing but bored since we've been back and I only used the drugs to get back into my mind. I promise," Luke explains and I don't want to hear it right now. 

"Why didn't you eat at all last night? I want you to call Jamie right now and set up the soonest appointment possible. I just want you to have routine Luke," I say to him and he avoids the question, clearly not in the best mood when he replies. 

"Routine is playing music, getting tipsy, stumbling to Gray's, letting him use electricity inside of me, making me come - then drugging me and taking pictures of me naked. That's routine. I don't want that any more. I want a new routine where I don't end up being raped and abused," Luke explains and I just hold him close. I just want to protect him from the universe because he doesn't deserve this. He's never deserved this. 

"We'll figure out a new, healthier routine Lu. We'll start it with prize-giving tomorrow, then we'll work on it from there, okay? You're going to get clean. I know you can do it," I say to him and he just nods because he wants to be healthy. He wants to be clean and I know that because he wants that, he'll fight for it. He hugs me, he's the big spoon and I'm just glad that he's not pushing me away right now. He needs me. 

"Can I have a shower? I'm still all salt-watery from yesterday," Luke explains and yeah, his hair is all curly and beautiful from the sea-water. I love it like this, curly, ultra-blonde, perfect, but he wants to wash it all brush it out. He immediately backtracks a little though. 
"Wait, you have your shower first, then take all of the razors out of the room. Can you do that? If they're there I'll hurt myself, if they're not there - it'll be okay," Luke explains to me and - oh. Yeah, of course I can eradicate that issue for him if he needs that. 

"Yeah, or we could shower together?" I ask him and he immediately nods, wanting that and only that. So that's what we do. We shower together and I make sure that when we get out of the shower I brace myself for him passing out briefly. It does happen again exactly as I thought it would and he thanks me when he comes to. I end up drying his hair again because he seems to like that a lot and I love it equally so. 

"Michael, I feel like I'm going to be sick," Luke eventually tells me when he's gotten changed and he's dead serious. He ends up walking to the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet and my heart aches for him. I rub my hand up and down his back, reassuring him that he's okay. I haven't really been around Luke while he's sick - properly sick, but he looked a little peaky this morning regardless and I know this is more than just throwing up. He's caught a bug. Poor boy. 

"Are you feeling awful too Luke? You've got a bit of a temperature," I ask him after checking his temperature with the back of my hand and he really can't catch a break, can he? He's burning up quite a bit and I hate that this is happening. He's not in a good way, but he just kind of laughs it all off.

“I’ll survive. Are your parents home today? We didn’t do presents yesterday,” Luke comments, flushing the toilet and resting his head on my shoulder here. He’s a little exhausted really and I don’t blame him after just vomiting up his guts and honestly, he’s gotta give himself some rest. He never just slows down and just rests.

“Yeah, they’re still asleep I think. We’re going to open presents today, so today is just a chill out day yeah ?” I ask him and he just nods, knowing that I’m really going to enforce rest today. I help him up when he’s sure he won’t throw up again and we make our way downstairs, me telling Luke to go into the living room while I make him breakfast and a coffee.

I also find him a light blanket, throwing it at him on the way past again and he just thanks me for this. I also bring him some Panadol and his prescribed meds with the breakfast that I made for him and he just looks so beyond thankful.

He notices that I’ve made him two pieces of toast, rather than the usual one that we cut in half, but he just thanks me for breakfast nonetheless. I just have cereal for myself, along with a matching black coffee that Luke has and I’m glad that after he’s eaten - not both pieces but one and a bit, he gets his color back a little. I won’t mention it to my parents, he seems to have bounced back already.

Luke and I sit and watch tv after I manage to convince him to watch some of a dumb animated comedy show that he very much doesn’t enjoy. He just cuddles me on the couch however, grumbling about how awful the show is and I hate that he’s really not enjoying it. He wants to do something else, so I ask if he'd rather sit here and write music based on whatever he wrote on my phone yesterday and he looks so glad that I reminded him. 

He sits here with me through morning, plucking at the acoustic guitar strings as he scribbles down notes in the little notebook he's produced out of thin air for all I know. He's humming, he hums a melody over the chords he's playing lightly as I continue to watch TV and it's the same melody he's been humming for the past few days. He’s working on something and it’s something he really wants to complete.

“Whatcha working on Lu?” I ask him after listening to him hum and write for the past half hour and he startles out of the zone he was clearly in because he wasn’t expecting me to talk. He was so far in his music that my voice absolutely pulled him out of absolutely everything and he just hums so I have to ask him again.

“Trying to figure out something out. I just am struggling with the uh - the words a little bit. I was thinking of writing it in French, but I like writing in English and I’m just struggling to think of the right words for what I want to say,” Luke explains to me and he just clicks the pen a few times before crossing something out yet again.

“What are you struggling with? Maybe I can help?” I suggest and he just reads and rereads what he’s written a few times over before he decides to explain it all to me.

“Just like - I’m trying to get it to rhyme and the only thing I’m struggling on is the pre chorus. I don’t know. I think it should go up the octave? I'm not too sure,” Luke explains and he just tears out the page before starting over.

I watch as he writes out the lyrics again, I don’t read it but I watch him and he starts writing out the chords again. His hand writing is so neat, it’s crazy to just watch him write because it’s just like a printer nailing out word after word absolutely flawlessly. Each individual letter is printed the exact same - each a the same, each b the same and so on. He prints his letters brilliantly.

“Where did you learn to write like that? It’s so neat,” I comment and Luke just shrugs his shoulders, turning the page over to write on a blank piece of lined paper. He angles it so that I can see what he’s doing and he just dates the paper - 26th December 2013 - before he writes out both his name on one side of the paper and my own on the other side. He draws a line down the middle, splitting the other two and he finally explains.

“I’m very good at copying other people’s handwriting. When I was younger I did it for fun, I tried to copy my Mother’s handwriting, then my fathers, then my brothers and now I’m copying this writing that I saw one day at a small art exhibition in Melbourne. I really liked it, it was so clean and professional looking, so I just copied it the best I could. Now it’s what I use the most,” Luke explains and of course he just does stuff like that.

“My handwriting is absolutely atrocious. How do you just do it? ” I ask Luke and he just shows me exactly that with what he’s written in front of him. He asks me to write the sentence, the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog - and I know that that’s that sentence that has every letter in it. So I do that. I write it out as I would write a school assessment and it’s not neat by any means compared to Luke's, but it’s better than it usually is.

Luke then writes a sentence beside mine - the five boxing wizards jump quickly - and it looks exactly like my handwriting except it’s just a different sentence. It’s odd, I wouldn’t be able to replicate his writing like that, but he copies mine absolutely flawlessly and it’s crazy really.

“Here, look. You write your o’s really weird, and you’re r’s and your e’s are like this;” Luke explains as he turns the paper and writes using my handwriting perfectly and I don’t know how he’s memorized it that quickly, but he’s copying it exactly as he writes out a poem perfectly in my writing, Oscar Wilde written at the end, then in brackets - written by Michael Clifford and man he’s good. It looks exactly like my writing.

“That’s so weird. You could forge documents crazily well. What was Ben’s handwriting like?” I risk asking him and he just writes on the piece of paper the same sentence from earlier that he got me to write, but in a beautifully stylized, cursive handwriting that could only be described as so Hemmings .

“Ben always wrote in cursive. It was always so pretty and I wanted to write just like he did. I spent hours upon hours just learning the way his handwriting flowed perfectly and I still don’t think I could ever write as perfectly as he did, but it’s so close. Michael, Ben was seventeen. You’re older now than he ever got to be. Soon I’ll be older than my oldest brother and that just - it’s terrifying,” Luke explains and I can’t even imagine.

“I’m so sorry Lu, I can’t even imagine how fucked up that must feel. Do you want to talk about it?” I ask Luke in an attempt to get him to talk to me and he just nods, closing the book and placing the guitar up against the couch carefully.

“In April I’ll be older than he was when he passed. Jack is older now than Ben was, it’s so weird. Ben will always be my older brother, but I’ll never get to know what he would have looked like when he was twenty or thirty or whatever age. I know that I can’t leave anyone anymore, I can’t take my own life because I don’t want to put anyone through this much pain,” Luke explains to me and I just practically sigh with relief at his change of desire.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you Luke. I can’t imagine my life without you in it,” I explain to him and he just nods a little, unsure on what exactly to say in response to that - but he just decides to say something that absolutely shocks me beyond comprehension.

“Ben just couldn’t do it after Sylvie died because she was pregnant and Ben wanted a kid so badly. The baby died in the crash with Sylvie, but they were going to have a little girl. They were going to start a family, but my Dad beat the shit out of Ben when he found out about Sylvie's pregnancy. Then they just - they both died. They all died so I suppose they have their own little family up there somewhere,” Luke explains, resting his head on my shoulder and I never knew Sylvie was pregnant.

“I didn’t know that Sylvie was pregnant, Lu. I’m sorry,” I say to him and I’m really not great at this and he just says that I don’t need to apologize at all. 

“They were going to name the baby Amélie. Ben and Sylvie were going to leave. That’s why Sylvie was driving to our house when that person killed her. Ben blamed himself for convincing her to run away with him and didn’t leave his room at the big house for weeks on end. Mum brought him food and whatnot, but he didn’t shower or sleep really at all for so long. Then things got better, then he went and overdosed, so it was far from better,” Luke explains and I hate that his family has gone through so much trauma. It’s far from fair.

“I'm so sorry Luke. Your brother deserved far better. You deserve far better than the treatment your father gave you. He deserves to rot in hell," I say, going off on a little bit of a tangent but Luke agrees. He too wants his father to rot wherever he is now after death. 

"He was a fucking monster. The amount of times I had to take beatings all because I just wanted to be myself. The amount of times he blatantly slapped me across the face when I expressed opposing views to his own ideologies. I don't know how to behave naturally around loud voices and erratic movement any more. I was fine when my father was alive, but recently I've been flinching every time someone moves quickly and I'm sorry I keep laughing it off but it's the way I deal with shit," Luke explains and I don't need him to apologize for anything at all. 

"You don't need to apologize for anything at all Luke. You have every right to be yourself and have your own ideologies. Don't apologize for laughing shit off either. I know that it makes it easier to deal with fucked up things when you just laugh it off. It's okay, I understand. You feeling alright? You don't look too great," I have to ask because he's shaky and looks pale and he very quickly replies.

"No - I'm fucking detoxing from Cocaine and everything that I've ever gotten myself hooked on. Withdrawal sucks, I'm just a trembling - sweaty, mess. I can't take the pills that keep me going, but I'm forced to take the pills that are supposed to make me feel better. I'm prescribed happy pills and if I miss one then suicidal thoughts cloud my mind all day. I'm doing just fine," Luke explains and I just hate that he has to now go through this to get clean. I hate that you can't simply just stop taking drugs. It's such a vicious addiction. 

"Oh," Is all I manage and I'm honestly the worst, but Luke just laughs lightly at my pathetic excuse for being there for him and he's honestly such a sadistic person that it doesn't surprise me. He just rests his head on my lap, curling up on the couch as he laughs lightly, still finding my speechlessness funny and he's ridiculous. 

"Michael, withdrawal sucks. Being put on antidepressants sucks. Missing a day on my medication sucks. Every high building I see I picture jumping off of. Every open body of water I wonder how long it will take for me to drown in. Every time I cut myself I wonder how deep I can go without dying. It's scary. Terrifying really, but the meds are really helping. It's just when I miss one, the suicidal thoughts come back worse than I've ever experienced in my life," Luke explains and I just want him to be okay. He continues. 
"I'm waiting for the withdrawal to get bad. You'll want nothing to do with me. I'll throw up for days on end and I'll be shaky and sweating buckets. Oxycodone is hard to come off of apparently and I already feel shitty. Thank you though, for taking the illegal shit from me and making me take what I'm supposed to. I owe you my life," Luke explains and I wouldn't go that far. 

"I just want to help you, that's all. I'll never leave you Louka. Don't thank me, thank my parents because they've kept you alive this whole time. Speaking of, I'm going to ring Cal, just to check on him after last night, yeah?" I ask him and he just nods, staying exactly where he is and I suppose that I'll be calling Calum whilst sitting right here. 

I ring Calum and after three rounds of that phone ringing, he finally picks up with a groan and I just know that my phone call woke him up. I’m just thankful that he isn’t dead. Last night he was scarily close to probably dying, and I just want to knock some sense into him because that was absolutely stupid.

“Morning dipshit, I hope you’re feeling like shit because that was idiotic of you,” I have no time for that behavior. I know exactly what that can turn into and I don’t want Calum to end up like Luke. Not at all. Luke is a broken guy, he’s strong minded however - but if Calum fell into the exact same situation as Luke - he would absolutely break. He’s a softy and he knows it.

“Fuck. What the fuck happened?” Calum grumbles and he’s definitely feeling it this morning. He did down an entire bottle of vodka, so it isn’t a surprise to me that he’s still probably tipsy and definitely hungover. 

“You downed a whole bottle of vodka and so Luke and I made sure you didn’t die. If it weren’t for Luke I’m sure you’d be in hospital right now. Drink some water, take a Panadol and talk to me mate, I don’t ever want you to deal with shit by drinking,” I say to him and he just groans in pain once more and it serves him right. I hope it knocks some sense into him.

“I’m sorry Michael. Thank you for keeping me safe. I’m just so fucking upset, I just want Fay to like me more,” Calum mumbles and it’s the same thing he said whilst off his ass drunk, so it’s the whole truth. He’s dealing with shit, he’s not talked to anyone about it and I’ve been overseas, focusing fully on Luke and not helping the other people I care about.

“Talk to me Calum. I’m sure Fay loves you, mate. Don’t drink, you can seriously hurt yourself with that lifestyle,” I say to him whilst playing with Luke’s curls and the blonde can’t hear what Cal is saying, but he can hear what I’m saying and he can fill in the gaps.

“I’m sorry, it was stupid, I didn’t mean to go that far. I won’t do it again, I don’t know how Luke does this. I think I’m gonna be sick,” Cal mumbles out and he sounds awful. I don’t blame him, I felt awful after a few glasses of wine, I can’t imagine how awful Cal must feel after all of that vodka.

“Have some water and some Panadol, you’ll be alright mate. Do you wanna talk to me about how you’re feeling? About why you did that?” I ask him and he just says that he’d rather talk in person tomorrow before the school prize-giving. I still need to email the school to let them know we’ll be there. I eventually say goodbye to Cal and he thanks me for everything.

“He won’t do it again. I can’t see him doing it again. You know, there’s this zero percent alcohol beer that tastes just like actual beer but has no alcohol in it. They have it for wine too. We should get some, I think it would make this easier, ya know?” Luke explains after some silence and it’s not an awful idea.

“Yeah? I’ll talk to my parents about it. They’ll be up soon, then we can open presents, okay?” I say to him and he just nods, continuing to allow me to just play with his curls as he lays here. Almost on cue my parents enter the room and they both look so glad that Luke isn’t currently losing it like he was last night.

"Morning Michael, morning Luke. You feeling any better today?" My mother asks and the question is directly aimed at Luke. Taking in Luke's current demeanor, it's easy to tell that he's not doing too great. He's all trembly, he's sweating a little and he looks utterly miserable. I wonder how many times he's been through drug withdrawal. He seems pretty familiar with the process. If he's done it before, he can do it again. 

"No, I'm feeling like complete and utter shit. Drug withdrawal sucks. Thank you for being there for me last night, I didn't mean to lose it, all of the random shit kind of just hit all at once and I detached from my mind and body," Luke explains and my parents just nod as if they understand entirely. Really, I'm just glad my parents have decided to help Luke through hell and high water and honestly, it means so much to Luke. I know that he's eternally grateful. 

"Well, we're going to help you get clean. We're going to help you Luke. We just want to see you healthy and happy. You can smoke whenever you want, just as long as it's outside and as long as you don't ever let Michael smoke. But otherwise, no alcohol and no drugs apart from your prescribed ones, okay?" And my mother is stern as she lays down the law here and I don't think Luke will directly disobey her, so he just nods and thanks her for the smoking leniency. 

"I need a new pack. I'm not smoking a pack a day - I promise. Yesterday was just difficult to get through without practically filling my lungs with smoke constantly. I promise I shall be far more considerate with my cigarette habits from now on," Luke explains and I hate that he smoked close to twenty cigarettes yesterday, but then again I didn't stop him. No one stopped him. No one ever stops him and that's the issue. No one puts their foot down and says enough . 

"Can you have three cigarettes a day? Can you limit it to just three?" My mother asks and Luke just nods a little, the movement more so to convince himself rather than anything else. 

“Definitely. Do you think I should grow out my hair? I’ve been thinking about it, I just want other people’s opinions before I commit to it,” Luke asks and he shouldn’t worry about other people's opinions. He should just do whatever on earth he wants to do, I dye my hair without a care of others opinions. Luke shouldn’t care either.

“I think that you should do whatever you want to do. Your hair looks nice now and I’m sure it would look nice longer too. Do what you want to do Luke,” My mother says, exactly what I was thinking and I just run my fingers through his hair as he stays laying with his head on my lap, seeing how long his hair is exactly and it’s about three - four inches long at the top? Two inches on the sides? Longer than mine at least.

“It’s getting long anyway. Maybe dye my hair again? I’m not sure. It is not just a hair color, but a mindset. Nothing moves but the shifting change in the tides of your body. As humans, we don’t fly through time, time flies through us. It’s excruciatingly slow nowadays,” And I have no idea what Luke is trying to say, but it’s weird nonetheless.

Everyone kind of just - stays quiet at that and Luke just opens his eyes that I hadn’t realized were closed, but when his striking blue eyes meet mine, it’s hard to ever understand how I didn’t realize that his eyes weren’t open. He looks at me like I’ve lost it, and honestly, of course he just laughs lightly before speaking.

“God - the looks on your faces. I’m kidding, it’s just a joke. Not about wanting to grow my hair, but about the other stuff… I’m just kidding. Michael said my hair is ginger, can you believe that? What a sod,” Luke says and I forget sometimes about his British English and I’m glad he’s a little different . He’s a little odd.

“I’m not wrong Luke. Your eyelashes are so pretty and blonde, but your hair is ginger in the right light. Strawberry blonde if you will,” I say to him, booping him on the nose and he just scrunches his nose up, swatting away my hand a little with a smile on his face and he knows this is all in good fun.

“I am not. Michael Clifford, you’re lying you crazy green haired boy. Wait - wait - I need to grab my glasses, I’ll be back,” Luke quickly gets distracted by himself, just getting up to go to my room and grab his glasses, leaving myself with my parents who are definitely thinking similarly to me. Luke’s acting strange .

“What’s up with him?” My father asks and I have no idea. I never know with Luke and so I just stay silent and eventually Luke re-enters the room, glasses on and a smile also on as he joins me once more, pressing a brief kiss to my lips before laying back down again, head on my lap and legs dangling over the end of the couch.

"Do you two want to open presents? We never got around to it yesterday," My mother asks to break the silence and they should have breakfast before we do that. Luke just nods like an excited puppy and he's honestly adorable. I mention breakfast to Mum and she just says that they've been up for hours but went back to their room to wrap those final presents. Oh. Here I was, thinking we were finally awake early, but my parents reiterate that we're teenage boys who sleep halfway through the day and I notice how Luke scrunches his nose a little when she says boys - interesting. 

"You are all far more of a family to me than my family ever was. I'm forever grateful for all you have done for me. It means more than I could ever describe," Luke explains and my parents just tell him that they're glad they've made him feel loved and welcomed. All we want is for Luke to live a life he deserves to live and that life is a happy and family filled one. My parents and myself can give him that because they love Luke like a son when they got to know him. I'm just glad. 

"We didn't really know what we could get you because it's hard to think of buying a present for someone who could buy whatever they wanted. Eventually Daryl and I settled on this, we hope it's alright," We all sit in the living room and I'm glad they're starting with a present for Lu because I feel like he definitely needs it. He's just loving this experience. He's just loving feeling included and loved. He deserves this at the very least. 

He tears at the wrapping paper of the small box carefully, opening the gift to find a box which needs opening too. The anticipation is killing Luke, but he just slides the top of the box off, looking inside at the gift and I see as he immediately smiles, tears welling in his eyes as he views his gift. 

"Thank you so much. Is this real? Is this - are you serious?" Luke is speechless, just absolutely shocked so deeply by what's in his little gift box and I'm intrigued now. My parents just nod and happy tears stream down Luke's face immediately. Luke turns it to me so that I can see what exactly is inside of the box and the answer just shocks me. Absolutely shocks me. 

'Removal of Guardian - Elizabeth Rose Herlaimont (Pascoe). 

Elizabeth Rose Herlaimont as of 26.12.13 is to hand over legal guardianship of Louka Jean-Robert Marceau François Névenoé Herlaimont to Karen May Clifford for the foreseeable future due to current home situations and child neglect leaving the minor in danger. '

"How did you manage this? My mother's legal team - she - I'm sorry I'm just so happy. How did you get this?" Luke asks absolutely in shock and he's rather speechless, just jumping from incomplete sentence to incomplete sentence. He's got a beaming smile on his face and rightfully so. Even I'm unsure of how they managed all of this, but they look proud of themselves and they really should be. 

"Well, first off - yesterday when you mentioned your real name we already knew about it, we were just playing along - so there's that. Because of your little hospital stay, we had to come in and explain that you’ve been living with us for a while. That raised questions and we were as brutally honest as possible in an attempt to allow you some change Luke. As you can tell, we managed to explain your current situation at home, we managed to chat to your brother as well, get him to explain things too, and thankfully this was the outcome,” My mother explains and Luke just looks at them in absolute awe.

“Thank you. I can never repay you for this. This is all I have ever wanted, thank you so much,” Luke is just utterly speechless. He doesn’t know what to do at all and I can see that he wants to hug my parents, he wants to move to wrap them both in hugs, but he’s awkward like that and just stays here, bursting at the seams with happiness and I can imagine that this is a lot for him.

“You don’t need to repay us for this. We just want you to be safe and you aren’t really safe under your mother’s guardianship. You can be safe here, we’ll keep you safe here,” My Mum says and Luke just nods, agreeing that he isn’t safe with his mother.

“Can I please just - I need a minute. Can I go outside before we continue? I’m just a little overwhelmed and I don’t want to ruin this. I just need a moment,” Luke explains quickly, he scratches the back of his left hand - back to this again - and he really does need a minute before he just snaps and either cries or falls apart.

“Yeah, yeah of course mate. We’ll just be in here,” My Dad says and Luke just stands up, taking my hand and oh , he wants me to come with him. He pulls me outside and closes the door behind us and I don’t think he’s ever been out here before. We have a trampoline and a veggie garden. Those are the only two characteristics of our backyard that would stand out. It’s a small section, but it’s always been big enough for us seeing as I have no siblings.

“You’re alright. What’s up?” I ask him, desperate to know why he feels so overwhelmed that he needs to step outside and his hands just shake a little as he grabs a cigarette from the pack in his pocket, along with his lighter and he’s stressed again. Just stress smoking.

“Sorry - I just need a minute. I’m used to being alone, our family never did Christmas, this is a lot. I’ve never really received heartfelt gifts before. The removal of guardianship is a lot. It’s a good thing, it’s just a lot to think about,” Luke explains as he lights his cigarette, taking a drag and breathing out the smoke slowly and really just savoring the feeling.

“I’m sure it’s a lot, Luke. But now you don’t need to worry about your mother doing something that could hurt you, yeah? You’re shaking Luke, what’s wrong?” I ask the blonde when I realize that he’s trembling and he just grumbles, taking another drag before speaking.

“I’m just great. Just the withdrawal, I promise I am absolutely one hundred percent just fabulous,” Luke states and he doesn’t need to be an ass about it, but I understand that he’s kinda losing it right now, so of course he’s acting rather blunt. But he’s quite over it and I get it. I’ve watched his withdrawal a few times, so I understand that Luke’s allowed to be rather annoyed.

“Do you wanna set up something with Jamie? I think you’d benefit from it, yeah? Ask her about the best way to deal with things going on in your mind at the moment?” I ask him and he nods because I really do think he enjoys talking to her. He can open up to an unbiased person who can provide professional help.

“Yeah. I’m sick of being broken. Maybe I can set up something for tomorrow before the prizegiving?” Luke asks me and I’m sure he could do that. I also still need to email the school, so I grab out my phone and do that right away while we’re out here. Luke also decides to call Jamie while he can. While he’s got it on his mind.

He sits here with my phone on speaker as we stand in my backyard and it's practically a miracle that no one got sunburnt yesterday, but I just know if we stay out here for too long then the both of us will get burnt. Luke's wearing a grey t-shirt and dark grey high waisted pants. I don't know how he isn't currently burning in the long pants because I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt and I'm sweating. Some people just aren't affected by the weather, clearly. 

"Hi Jamie it's Luke, calling from Michael's phone," Luke explains when Jamie picks up, confused as to who's calling her and the woman makes a sound of immediate understanding before she greets us too. 

"Hey, Luke Hemmings, my favorite blondie. How are things in France? I didn't expect to hear from you so soon," Jamie speaks up, greeting Luke joyfully and I can see how Luke just sighs with absolute relief that she picked up and the explanation is kind of awkward, but Luke is ecstatic so it doesn’t really matter.

“I’m not in France anymore. Michael and I are back in Sydney because I couldn’t be in France anymore. Can I book another appointment with you soon?” Luke asks and I can just hear the smile in his words if that’s even possible and he’s in a great mood. He takes a drag of his cigarette, smiling over at me and I just return the gesture, smiling at him too.

“Yeah, we can set up something. How soon is too soon? I’m free tomorrow if you want to talk then? I’m sure there’s a lot to talk about,” Jamie asks Luke and I can definitely say that that’s true also. I think I should see a therapist too. I think I need to talk to a professional about some of the things going on in my mind.

“Tomorrow is great. There is a lot to talk about. I want Michael to come with me too, is that okay?” Luke asks and Jamie says that that is absolutely fine. Eventually they settle on ten in the morning and Luke can finally hang up. He’s feeling better, clearly in a good mood now and he eventually stubs out the cigarette on the grass and I have a question for him.

“When did you start smoking? Not weed, but just regular old cigarettes?” I ask him, just wanting to know how long this has been going on and he has to think about it for a while. He makes sure the  cigarette is fully put out and eventually he just holds it so that he can put it in a bin or something - he’s very against littering.

“Started actually smoking like - properly maybe last year. I smoked for the first time though when I was twelve or thirteen? It sounds messed up, but Jack smokes so I just tried it. It wasn’t until four years later that I actually started smoking,” Luke explains and I just hum a little, nodding as if it made a lot of sense.

“And weed? How old were you then?” I ask him and he just says about the same time. Maybe a bit later, fourteen or fifteen and I just nod again. He just shrugs and our odd silence is awkward, but honest and real and Luke just laughs at the silence. He’s not so shaky right now, the cigarette got him through that for now, but I know it’s only the beginning of his withdrawal and it won’t be easy. I know he’ll get through this.

Eventually, right when we’re about to go back inside, my phone starts to ring and it’s a rather curious thing. My phone barely ever rings and I just check the name briefly before I pick up and to see Ashton’s contact name - it’s an odd thing. I answer him, holding my phone to my ear, saying a light hi and he immediately speaks.

“Michael, oh my god, you won’t believe it! I fucking did it!” And he sounds excited and so joyous that I find myself smiling despite having no clue what it is that he’s done . I mouth Ashtons name to Luke and he just nods in understanding, knowing that Ashton and I should really speak more.

“What have you done now Ash?” I ask him and he just giggles like a little school girl over the line, clearly excited or maybe even smitten about something and I don’t know what exactly has happened, but I’m glad he’s happy. I just want him to explain, I’m getting unfairly anxious now.

“There’s this girl that started at work the day that you guys left and because I’ve worked there practically the longest, I’m training her - or I was - and I immediately thought she was the coolest person ever. She - you’re not going to believe this - but today she asked me out and I said yes so I have a girlfriend,” Ashton explains and - oh I’m so happy for him. So genuinely happy.

“I’m so happy for you mate, you deserve this more than anyone. What’s her name? What’s she like and when do I get to meet her?” I ask three questions back to back to back and he just laughs lightly, dazed with love and I understand the feeling.

“Her name is Kaitlin, but she goes by KayKay and she’s absolutely the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. She’s moved here from California, she colors her hair how you do and she’s just so cool. You can probably meet her today since we’re going to an aquarium in town,” Ashton says and the way he speaks about her with a giddy light smile in his words tells me just how much he likes her. He’s absolutely fallen like Calum has for Fay.

“I’m happy for you mate. I’m sure we can make it work. I’ll chat to Luke about it and flick you a text,” I say to him and he just asks me to let him know. At that we say goodbye and I explain the whole thing to Luke and he looks overly excited, both for Ashton and for going to the Aquarium - despite his views on giving businesses who treat terribly being an awful thing to endorse. He can tolerate it just this once.

I message Ash and tell him that we’ll be there whenever it is that he’s thinking of going and he tells us that he’ll come and pick us up in an hour. Luke’s excited, he tells me that he needs to get changed for the occasion and put on matching makeup, but we need to finish off the present opening. I mention that and he tells me that he’d completely forgotten.

Chapter Text

Going back inside we finally end up opening the rest of the presents. My parents got me more hair dye, something that just makes me laugh because they’ve always hated my hair-dye habits, but seem to endorse it now and really it’s funny. It’s a great gift as well and I’m extremely thankful.

They also got me a few more graphic tees and a CD that I’ve been searching for forever. I’m extremely thankful because really they didn’t need to buy me anything. They also got me chocolate, but it’s the gifts they got for Luke that really surprises me in the best way possible. They know him crazily well.

They got him a few small things that clearly mean a lot to Luke when he opens them. They got him a new notebook, one with a nice blue cover, lined on the inside nicely or as Luke describes; perfectly . They also got him a few different colored fine liners that make me sneakily jealous, but Luke’s favorite gift is a silver colored necklace with a little angel on it. It’s strangely and oddly very Luke and he loves it a lot.

“Thank you so much. I’m speechless - I’m so thankful,” Luke explains when no other words come to mind and he’s so cute. The guitar present from him is honestly the best, although I knew about it, it still means so much and I hate that my gift in return is merely the necklace that he really picked out. He’s ecstatic nonetheless and it warms my heart to see him so happy.

Eventually Luke insists that he needs to get changed and put on makeup before we go out and honestly he’s a hassle in some ways, but in other’s it’s nice to see people take pride in actually dressing nicely. My parents comment on that too and Luke just says that he likes looking fancier than he feels. It’s an odd explanation, but it’s very Luke .

He always manages to materialize clothes out of thin air because he puts together an outfit out of clothes I’ve never seen him wear but suit him beautifully nonetheless. A skin-tight, thin, beige, long sleeved shirt that’s almost somewhat turtlenecked - paired with signature high waisted long black pants, the outfit itself is a rather odd one but everything works on Luke. This definitely works.

He ends up doing something interesting with his makeup. He ends up lining where the eyeshadow usually goes with a sparkly blue color, only lining a thin line around the outside of where that eyeshadow would usually go and it looks rather cool. It’s almost like a sparkly blue winged eyeliner in a way and Luke has a lot of talent when it comes to makeup and I wish I had enough confidence to wear makeup.

“I’ve never been to an aquarium. I don’t like sea life, actually I’m rather terrified of living fish and other aquatic life. Do you like aquariums?” Luke mentions as he gathers his wallet - the two things he takes everywhere usually being his phone and wallet, but he still needs to buy a new phone, and he puts on the necklace that I got for him. It suits the whole - crystal, ethereal, faerie - vibe that he’s got going on.

“I love them. We try to go every year or so as a family and every year with the guys. I love fish and everything else. I love them,” I explain and Luke just nods, holding my hand as we make our way out of the house when Ashton pulls up outside of our house. We hop into the back of the car and Ashton greets us all smiley. He’s in a great mood.

“Merry boxing day. You look nice Luke, ditto Mikey,” Ashton greets us and Luke always looks nice. He always looks beautiful honestly and his beauty deserves commenting on, just as Ashton did. Luke’s been doing better as a whole, despite his meltdown last night, he’s been happier. He’s been less depressed.

“Hi Ashton. I hear you’ve got a girlfriend, that’s fancy,” Luke says to Ash in greeting and Ashton just beams as he nods, very clearly overly happy about the fact.

“She’s amazing. Seriously, you guys are going to love her. I’m also picking up Cal. He and Fay are coming. It’ll be like a triple date with you two here also,” Ashton explains and oh . I’m glad we’re seeing Cal again - after last night it’ll be great to see him not drunk beyond words.

“Hey uh, Ash? Last night Calum pretty much drunk himself half to death, he’s gonna be crazily hungover,” I mention before we pick up the brunette and Luke and myself end up explaining the whole thing to him, also gathering from Ashton that Calum got drunk again whilst we were gone. When I had to call Ashton for help because I was lost when Luke abandoned me - he was also busy trying to deal with an overly drunk Calum. What’s been happening with the poor kid?

When we pick him up he’s looking a little worse for wear. He looks tired, over-life and honestly a little disheveled, but knowing how drunk he was last night, he doesn’t look too awful. He’s wearing a white shirt and black jeans and as soon as he closes the door, he rests up against the window of the door. 

“You alright mate?” Is Ashton’s opening line to the brunette and Calum just nods a little, eyes closed as he tries to ignore the world. Clearly the day-time sky is hurting his hungover mind and he’s breaking our hearts here. Luke is finally able to see how this behavior makes others feel. He’s seeing first hand exactly what it’s like.

“Calum, you should talk to Fay. Talk everything out and figure out what it is that can make you feel better. Don’t be like me,” Luke explains, speaking up on the matter and this is very out of character for him, but it means a lot. Calum however doesn’t appreciate Luke’s legitimate words of wisdom.

“Can’t you just leave us alone? Everything here was so good before you started dating Michael. You’re ruining so many people’s lives. Just go back to France, do your whole billionaire thing and leave me the hell alone,” Calum hisses out and I didn’t expect him to lose it at Luke like that. It’s cruel. He surely doesn’t mean it.

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” And I didn’t expect Luke to brush it off like that. I definitely thought that Luke would snap, that he’d lose it at Calum right back, but he just brushes it off, apologizing for overstepping and that was definitely odd.

“No, don’t just apologize Luke. You can’t just apologize for something like this. You have to lose it right back at me. You’re a coward. You don’t deserve anything. You certainly don’t deserve Michael or your family or Mali or anyone who treats you as more than dirt. You are the single most pathetic person I know,” And Calum is yelling. He’s yelling right at Luke and the blonde is clutching my hand in desperation. He’s trying not to snap.

“You’re hungover Calum. I know you don’t mean it, I’m not going to lose it at you,” Luke eventually speaks through gritted teeth and I don’t know what’s happened. This is some weird kind of parallel universe because Luke would surely lose it at someone, but apparently not in these circumstances and it’s odd for everyone to witness. It’s almost as if good behavior on Luke’s behalf is bad although we’ve begged for this for so long.

“Goddamnit Luke! Fucking hell! Can’t you just be the fucking insane one again? I just want everything to go back to how it was before you got here. I want Fay to love me as much as Michael loves you. I want you to leave us alone because it’s always been just Calum, Michael and Ashton. We don’t need you or want you,” Calum yells once more and Ashton pitches in this time.

“We do want you Luke. Don’t listen to Calum. We want you and need you,” Ashton says exactly what I thought and I’m glad at least someone is on our team. Luke gets out of the car. He can’t physically handle being in here anymore, he’s removing himself from the situation before he can do exactly what Calum wants from him.

He paces a few steps away from the car, creating distance between himself and this absolute shitshow and honestly, I don’t blame him. Calum just tilts his head back, staring at the ceiling and I don’t know what’s wrong with him at all, but he needs to get his act together. He starts crying, sobs wracking his body and I don’t like this one bit. I don’t like how the tables have turned this time around.

“Calum. Calum breath mate. Calm down and breathe,” Ashton speaks and Calum is truly hyperventilating and sobbing. He’s curled in on himself in his seat, sobbing and unable to breathe as he just struggles to get any air at all. He’s going through something right now that’s tearing him apart and I don’t understand what’s going on. Why is my best mate falling apart like Luke?

“Calum, please - just calm down. You’re alright, Luke knows you didn’t mean any of that. It’s okay. Just calm down and we can go to the aquarium, you can see Fay and it will be alright,” I try to explain to Calum but the brunettes panic seeps into my lungs and I feel like I can’t breathe very well myself. It’s like a chain reaction and I can’t stop it for the life of me.

“Not you too Michael. Hey, just breathe mate, in and out, you’ve got it. No reason to feel panicked, no need to feel bad. Just breathe,” Ashton tries but my ears are ringing. Everything feels like it’s immediately distanced and I can’t breathe or stop my tears from welling in my eyes. Everything is just a little too much right now.

There’s a tap on the glass beside me and I whip my head around to see Luke standing, looking sorry for me as he beacons me to come out of the car. My hands shake as I open the door, as I manage to get out of the vehicle and I’m so trembly that I can barely stand. I can’t breathe and so Luke immediately wraps me in a hug.

“Breathe Michael. I know that you can do it. You’re strong, far stronger than I am and you’ve seen me go through this time and time again. I’ve always been fine, you’ll be fine too. Breathe, just in and out precious,” Luke says to me and he sounds very underwater. He sounds so far away from me and I can’t calm down. I can’t breathe. I can’t get any air.

I feel everything slip a little, everything blacking out for a split second in Luke’s arms as the lack of air gets to my brain. I blink back into the world of the living, managing to take a deep breath and I open my eyes to see that Ash is also standing here. I must’ve been out for longer than a second or so.

“Hey, he’s awake. You’re alright mate, just had a panic attack Mikey. Luke’s right here with you, Calum’s in the car,” Ashton explains when I come to and Luke is behind me, his hand running up and down my back as he just presses quick, brief kisses into my hair, trying to calm me down.

“Is Calum alright? Luke - are you mad?” I speak, desperate to know that Luke is alright and that Calum is alright too. All I want is to know that they’re alright because all I care about is them. They’re my number one priority, myself comes second. Always.

“I’m not mad. I’m alright. Calum is alright too, he’s just a little hungover yeah? A little snarky and mad at the world for everything, but he’ll be alright,” Luke explains to me and I just rest into his touch a little and he stands me up, reiterating that everyone is alright and we just need to get Calum to Fay. I’m a little confused, but when I get into the car I realize that Calum is definitely not in the best mental state.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Luke - I’m sorry, I’m sorry - I just - I’m sorry,” He apologizes and Luke just tells him not to worry. I’m okay too, I tell him I’m alright and we can put this behind us for now. 

And we do. We don’t talk the whole thirty minutes to the aquarium and when we get there, Calum is beyond thankful to see Fay outside of the building, the younger girl listening to music through earbuds as Luke would whilst waiting for someone and when we find a park and hop out of the car, Calum goes straight to Fay, wrapping her in his arms, resting his head on her shoulder as he just holds on to her for dear life, sobbing lightly into her embrace and this is going to be a long explanation.

We all hop out of the car too and Fay just looks at us for some kind of explanation. She’s shocked to see myself and Luke, but then again we never talked to her about being back and she just looks beyond confused as she pats Calum’s hair, shushing him and holding him close with her free arm.

“You're okay baby boy. What’s wrong? Your friends are back, you should be a happy pup,” Fay speaks, kissing Calum's cheek at the end of her sentence and I didn’t know they were the pet name type. Regardless, they’re kind of cute and I don’t know how Calum’s going to explain anything, but eventually he does.

“Do you still love me? I just feel like maybe you don’t like me anymore and maybe you like Luke more? That’s why I’ve gotten blackout drunk four times in the past two weeks. Maybe if I’m more like Luke, you’ll like me more,” That’s how Calum explains it, but alas, it’s odd and Fay is immediately confused.

“Of course I love you Calum. Luke is a fun guy, sure, but I don't know him, I know you and you’re the only person I love. Please, don’t drink baby, I don't want you getting hurt and I really don't want you to do anything you'll regret," Fay speaks, having a similar viewpoint to the rest of us and Luke just holds my hand, running his thumb over the back of my hand, comforting me in a time like this. 

"Luke's just so good at everything and so pretty and it's so upsetting because everyone can admit that. Everyone thinks he's pretty and I want someone to think that about me," Calum speaks and he's going to regret saying that in front of Luke, but the blonde boy just decides to cut in right then and there. 

"Me? Calum, for years all I have wanted is to be like you . You're charismatic, you're such a people person that I envy you entirely. You're undeniably hot, you're beautiful yourself and you are a far better person in quality of your connections to others than I am. Please, don't ever feel as though you need to be like me. You're already someone I aspire to be more like," Luke explains and Calum pulls away from his hug with Fay to look at Luke. My fiancé is telling the whole truth and Cal can see that when he looks at Luke. 

"I'm sorry that I ever said what I did to you. I'm sorry I ruined yesterday for you both as well. I won't get drunk again, I promise," Calum says and that's all we were a trying to say this whole time. Fay just holds Calum's cheeks, standing on her tippy toes to press a kiss to his lips and now all we need is Ash's girlfriend here. Luke and I haven't met her, I don't know if the others have or not, but Calum's tears dry quickly as Fay just holds onto one of his arms, and eventually a girl approaches and Ashton looks beyond giddy with love. 

"Ash, these your friends?" The girl asks, reaching for Ashtons hand and she's not what I expected at all. Her hair is a brilliant rich blue shade that really suits her whole aesthetic really. She's got a septum piecing, chestnut colored eyes and she's wearing a black, singlet shirt with a ruffled mini-skirt and platform docs - still only managing to be about up to my shoulder. She's rather short. She looks pretty badass, but simultaneously rather bright and artsy. She and Ashton just suit each other. 

"Yeah, this is Calum, Fay, Luke and Michael. Everyone this is Kaykay, Kaykay, this is everyone," Ashton introduces us all and everyone waves kind of awkwardly, but Kaykay makes it her personal mission to chat to us all individually before we enter the aquarium. It's almost a group bonding exercise and her accent is very stereotypically American. Her and Fay don't sound too different. 

"Hi, I'm Katlin, or Kaykay or just Kay. Really you can call me whatever you like. I only say that because I'm not great with names. Oh god, now I feel like I'm talking far too much - shit. You two are…?" And she's flustering herself as she tries to introduce herself to Fay and Calum and they're both very nice to her. 

"I'm Fay, this is my boyfriend Calum. Your hair is very cool, your whole outfit too," Fay comments and Cal just says that he likes her hair too. There's something about bright dyed hair. When she walks over to myself and Luke she seems very happy and I can only imagine it's because my hair is a bright green at the moment and that like has blue makeup on his eyelids. 

"You heard what I said to them, now I'm just going to gush over your hair for a minute and your makeup. You both look awesome, Ashton must have forgotten to mention the fact that he's friends with such tall people, jeez. What were your names again?" She laughs and she has a similar laugh to Luke. Just that wheezy, hardly a laugh laugh that's just perfect. 

"I'm Michael, you can call me Mikey or Mike or just Michael if you want," I say to her and Luke takes the opportunity to introduce himself and rightfully so. 

"I'm Louka, you can just call me Luke. Whatever's easiest. What part of California are you from? Your accent is rather southern sounding," Luke points out and he knows his accents. He tells me that he's great at imitating accents, but I'll be the judge of that when he actually decides to pull off an accent that isn't either French, English or Australian. 

"Oh, I was actually born in Texas then moved to Cali when I was sixteen for high school stuff. Now I'm here. How about you, you've got an accent. And Fay," Kaykay asks and she's not awful with names because she says the sandy blonde's name with confidence when she mentions her. 

"I'm French, grew up in Paris, moved here - also for school things," Luke explains before Fay can explain where abouts she's from and it's just so funny to me that us three Australian lads have ended up all dating people born overseas. All three of us have significant others who aren't Australian citizens and it's rather strange. 

"I'm from Canada, so we're kind of like - continent buddies," And I love how everyone in our little group is so awkward and nobody bounces off of one another. It's funny that we really have no chemistry as a group, but have managed to make it work for over a decade. It's nice to see the circle expanding. 

"Well, it's nice to meet you all. I'm sure if you're all friends with Ash then you must be great people. You all seem very lovely," She says and we all just smile and Luke holds my hand again. At that it's into the aquarium and Luke pulls a sneaky quick move - deciding to pay for everyone after he manages to squeeze into the front of the pack. I hear Kaykay question it lightly, asking Ash why he'd do that and Ashton explains briefly and basically that Luke is rich. He doesn't go into detail and it's left as is. 

Entering the aquarium, Luke is very quickly overwhelmed and overstimulated. I pull him away from our group of six a little when I notice his quickened breathing and he's getting worked up already. It's because it all feels so small in here. There are large glass panes holding back the water and sea life and I hold onto Luke's hand, knowing that he's over thinking this and definitely going to let his emotions consume him. I don't blame him at all. 

"Louka, you see that little blue fish over there, the one with the yellow stripes? Focus on that one. It reminds me of you. It's beautiful, it's dancing around and it's almost shimmery like you too," I get Luke to focus on just the one fish for now, requesting he ignores the other hundred or so and he just nods, keeping an eye on the blue fish and I'm just thankful he's got his contacts in or else this may be a disaster. 

He watches the little fish as it swims around and I hold Luke’s hand in both of mine, holding his hand up to my chest so that he can focus on my breathing. Luke keeps his eyes on that little fish and Ashton turns around, sees what’s going on and moves along the rest of them so that Luke doesn’t have to worry about everyone else seeing his mini freak-out.

“That little fish - do you know what type of fish it is? It’s a little angel fish. It reminds me of you lovely, a little angel. Feeling better? If it’s too overwhelming then we can go to the little café in here?” I ask him and he just finally tears his eyes away from the little fish to look at me. He looks around a little and then nods, wanting to sit in the café for a while whilst he calms himself down.

“Wait - no I’ll be alright. I just want to meet back up with everyone. I promise I’ll be fine,” Luke explains and I’ll only allow it if I keep an eye on him and I’ll pull him away from anything if he gets himself worked up over whatever’s going on.

“Okay angel. You’re doing a good job lovely, what do you think of Ash’s girlfriend?” I ask the blonde, trying to make conversation to get his mind off of the dark claustrophobia of an aquarium. I understand, aquariums are rather claustrophobic in their low light and surrounding water, I get why he’s a little antsy.

“I like her hair, she kind of reminds me of you. She’s a little loud and equally very self conscious. She and Ashton are kind of similar,” Luke explains and he’s quite good at reading people. He’s entirely right, now that he’s mentioned it I can see it too. Kaykay was extremely nervous to meet us and I can tell all she wants is to make a good impression. She’s putting too much pressure on herself.

“Yeah? Wanna catch up to the others?” I ask him and he just nods, saying that that’s all he wants right now. He just wants to go out with friends, he just wants to be normal and have a friend group and I’m glad that I’ve been able to give him this. My friends do really adore Luke, Calum does like Luke, that much is true - he’s just finding it hard to express that.

We eventually do join back up with the rest of the group and Fay has taken a liking to Luke quite a bit. She always has, she’s always been nice to Luke - never taking any of his shit, but being comforting when she needs to be. There’s something about them that just fits as friends, even when they yelled at each other about Luke’s issues - there’s a lot of care there.

Fay approaches us and actually wraps Luke in a hug. My finance wasn’t expecting it, not at all, but he lightly wraps his arms around Fay and he’s awkward but he’s confused, looking between myself, Calum and Fay a little, very confused as to what is going on. I’m a little confused too and eventually what Fay says makes a whole lot of sense.

“Luke, can I have a chat with you about something? I need to talk to you about someone,” Fay explains and I just tell Luke to go with her. He doesn’t want to - he just shakes his head a little he moves away from Fay and clutches my hand, telling me that he doesn’t want to leave me . He doesn’t want to do with Fay alone. I can come with him if Fay is alright with that.

“I can come with you Luke, is that okay Fay?” I ask the two blondes and they both nod, so we leave the others once more heading off toward an empty exhibit room that has little jellyfish in it. It’s just a miracle really that the room is empty, let alone that the aquarium was open today - on boxing day - and I’m just glad that Luke’s not so panicked in here.

“Luke, can I talk to you about Sylvie Gower? I need to talk to you about her,” Fay asks, keeping her distance a bit, saying that name that just catches my breath and Luke’s hand clutches mine so tightly that it reminds me of high-school. I run my thumb over his hand, trying to keep him calm and Luke just speaks.

“Why do you want to talk to me about Sylvie? I don’t know how you know her,” Luke explains and I just keep rubbing my thumb up and down his hand and he’s tense. He’s sticking close to me, he’s clinging to my hand for dear life and I just want him to listen to what Fay has to say. I want to hear what Fay has to say.

“Luke, Sylvie was my cousin. I knew that I knew you from somewhere, I knew that you were familiar but I’ve met you before moving here. I just wanted to talk to you about her because as soon as she passed, your family cut ties with ours. I just want to know what happened Luke,” Fay explains and oh shit .

“ Je ne me souviens pas vous avoir rencontré . I’m so sorry that my family ever cut ties with yours, I just don’t know who exactly it is that - that your family is,” Luke explains and Fay’s features just soften a little, she takes a step closer and Luke doesn’t move backward. She knows Luke, Luke doesn’t know her and it’s odd.

“I met you in France. Because my family is French, as was Sylvie’s side and we were visiting Sylvie - my Nan and I. She was at your place, in Bordeaux and we visited because Sylvie and Ben invited us. Your parents must not have been home and all I can remember is that Jack was ill. We mustn’t have been any older than thirteen or fourteen and I was only at your house for about an hour. We barely talked, I barely talked to Sylvie and that was the last time I saw her. Death is so consistent in my family and in yours, I’ve learnt to accept that people die for a reason and I just wanted to talk to you about Sylvie and Ben. It doesn’t have to be now - but someday soon,” Fay explains and I just hate everything about this. 

“I don’t remember meeting you, I apologize. I don’t want to talk about Sylvie, or about my brother. I will always blame myself for Ben's death, I hate that Sylvie died, that their baby died - I just want everything to slow down and I want to forget everything like I’ve forgotten you. I wish I didn’t remember anything. I want to start again, I want to start everything over,” Luke explains and I don’t want that for him at all. I want him to work through his trauma and learn to live with it all. Learn to get over it all.

“You don’t want that Luke. I know that you really don’t want that. Let’s go to the café here, okay? Maybe you’re just a little grumpy because you’re hungry? We can find something to eat, okay?” I say to Luke and he’s getting better at simmering down while he’s on his meds because he just nods and pulls on my arm, making sure I genuinely do take him away from all of this.

“I’m sorry. I’m - yes I’m upset because I’m fucking starving and because of other reasons but I’m sick of being hungry at every moment of every day - but I don’t want to eat because I don’t want to put on more weight because I’ve been putting on weight because of my antidepressants and I just don’t-” Luke’s getting worked up as he speaks in a hushed voice, trying to explain his current predicament and I don’t need him working himself up again. So I interrupt.

“It’s alright, you’re alright. You need to put on a bit more weight babe, you’re still so tiny, okay? We’ll find something for you to eat and I’ll find something for myself too,” I say to him and he just nods in understanding, knowing deep down in his heart that he is in fact tiny beyond words really.

“Do you hate me because I’m putting on weight? I just - I feel like I need to be thin for people to like me because my father always said-” And I don’t want to know what his lousy Dad used to say to him. I stop us in our tracks, holding Luke at the shoulders so I can look him in the eyes and tell him what I really think.

“Luke, I will never hate you for putting on weight. Your father broke you, he has given you so much childhood trauma and even just - current trauma - and I need you to listen to me when I tell you that you have to put on weight. You have to eat to live and you have to live for me to love you. I can’t love someone who’s faded away into nothingness. I can’t kiss you and hug you and love you beyond words when you’re dead baby,” I say to him and he looks like he hadn’t even thought of that.

“I’m sorry that you love me. I’m sorry that I’ve dragged you into my life. I’m sorry that I didn’t just die then and there at the train tracks or the club in France or just at my house - I’m so sorry that you put up with me,” Luke starts excessively apologizing and I don’t want him to say any of this at all. I don’t want him to think this way.

“Luke, Louka, listen to me. I need you to please stop thinking like this babe. I know you’re in a bad place, but I need you to please try not to think like that. I love you, it’s not something you should apologize for. Please don’t wish for your own demise Lu, don’t apologize for living and healing,” I explain to Luke and he just breaks down in sobs. I saw this coming.

“I’m sorry - I’m sorry I don’t know what’s wrong with me - I don’t - I can’t fucking breathe - I want to leave - fuck,” And Luke is losing it. He curls into my touch. He let’s me just help him to the ground because I know his legs will give out if he stays standing up and nobody wants that at all. 

He can't breathe. He's choking on air rather than breathing it in and I don't know how to help him. I keep my hand on his chest, and his hand on my chest, slowly breathing and trying to coax air into his own lungs with my own steady breathing. His eyes are screwed shut, just trying to hide from whatever is screwing him over and he's got to breathe. He's gotta get a hold of himself. He's gotta just breathe but I don't know how to help. 

"There's nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all lovely, just take a few breaths you're alright. I don't know how to help you. I don't know how to fucking help, Lu. Please breathe beautiful. We're in public," I'm rather panicked about everything myself, but that doesn't help the situation at all. I think that eventually he gets so exhausted in his panic that his body physically shuts down for a second and reboots - because he fucking passes out for about ten, fifteen seconds before he groggily blinks back to the land of the living. 

He's absolutely out of it, I think he blacks out again for a few seconds but eventually he wakes up again and he just cuddles further into me, trying to wake himself up a bit. He's out of it, he's just so spacey and I don't know what the fuck brought that on, but he's not in a good way. He needs to get some food into him, maybe some water too and he needs to get rest - and air - and his meds - and just to get better. I hate this. 

"Hey, passed out there mate, we're at the aquarium, you alright? You're a bit spacey, yeah?" I ask him noticing how his eyes are unfocused and wander, trying to grip onto reality a little bit. He just groans lightly, clearly not comfortable and I just want to make sure he's alright, but I don't know what to do. 

"Space, floaty. I'm sorry," Luke mumbles and he's apologizing again but he doesn't need to apologize. All Luke seems to do is apologize. He's always apologizing for things that don't need apologies and he's got to get it into his mind that he's alright. That he doesn't need to apologize for these things. He's really just working himself up constantly. 

“Don’t apologize. Please stop apologizing for things that you don’t need to apologize for. You’re alright. Maybe we should get some food into you, I think you passed out because of a mix of hunger and panic. Do you think I’m right?” I ask him and he just nods a little, letting me help him up and he sways a little - telling me that he’s alright and asking if his makeup is smudged. It’s absolutely fine.

“Can I just get a sandwich, I feel like I’m gonna pass out again,” Luke explains and I don’t want him to pass out again, so we make it toward the café here before that can happen. I message Ash as I wait in line to just get two sandwiches and two coffees because I don’t want Luke to pass out. That’s the last thing I want. So I sat him down at a table before I joined the short line and I hate how shitty he’s looking. He’s not looking too great at all.

“Hey, what can I get for ya?” The lady at the till asks and she’s rather happy with a Christmas hat on despite it being boxing-day. I just ask for a chicken sandwich and a sandwich without meat or cheese because I don’t care what it is - as long as it’s food that Luke can eat and two black coffees. She gets both of the sandwiches for me from the display cabinet in front of us and I end up paying, thanking her and bringing the two items back to the table, being told that they’ll bring out the coffees to us.

Luke’s just resting his head on his arms in his hands, smiling lightly when I hand the sandwich over to him and he quickly opens up the plastic packaging, taking a quick look at what’s in it before he practically eats the first half in three bites. He must be fucking starving and he speaks with his mouth-full when he says that he’s very thankful.

“Is it that good - huh?” I ask him as he smiles, humming in agreeance as he practically stuffs his face full of this sandwich. I’ve never seen Luke so into food, but then again he just passed out due to not eating enough and he’s finally seems to now realize that he needs to eat to stay alive and awake .

“Mhm, thank you so much Michael. I should have told you that I felt like crap. I didn’t mean to scare you. I started panicking and I guess it set everything off. I think after this I want to leave. Just tell the truth and leave because I'm not ready for this kind of thing yet. I'm beyond anxious right now and I just want to cuddle in your bed like we planned," Luke explains and I suppose trying to get Luke to participate in this whilst detoxing and going through shit wasn't the best idea. 

"Whatever you want to do, Luke. You wanna say it in front of Kaykay or just the others?" I ask him and he just says that he's trying to stick with honesty, so once we've eaten and downed our coffees, we eventually find our friends once more and everyone par Kaykay looks a little concerned, knowing what probably went down. Luke explains it all anyway to everyone and he doesn't hold back. 

"I'm sorry, Michael and I are going to leave early just because I'm having a difficult time staying calm right now. I have an emotion regulation disorder, it's not something I can control, so I'd rather leave than put you through anything that is unnecessary. Thank you for inviting us," Luke explains and I watch as the light smile falls from Kaykays face. Fay also didn't know about Luke's BPD, so it explains a lot to her. 

"Oh, yeah, don't feel like you need to stick around mate, it was good seeing you both. It's good to have you back here," Fay says and the others just nod along but Kaykay looks confused and rightly so. I can see that she wants to question it, she wants to be a part of this and understand what's going on, so of course she stays respectful as she asks her question. 

"Sorry, if you don't mind me asking two things. Where exactly were you - because Fay said its good to have you back - and what kind of emotion disorder?" She asks and Luke decides to answer both of those while he's currently in an alright mood. 

"We spent a few days in France - we were supposed to stay there for quite a while but family matters meant that we had to come back. I have borderline personality disorder, it means I can't regulate emotions - so one minute I could be manic, then the next I'll want to off myself. I'm all over the place today, so it's best if we leave," He explains and he didn't need to do that, but I'm proud of him nonetheless. 

"Right, well it was nice to meet you both, I have a feeling we'll be seeing each other a lot in the coming days. I'm coming to your school’s prize-giving because Ash invited me. Will you be there too?” Kaykay asks and I hope Luke will be in an alright enough headspace to actually go through with coming.

“We’ll try to get there. What school do you go to?” I ask the blue haired girl as Luke just pulls on my arm a little because - he’s desperate to leave, and I wish I didn’t ask this question, Now I’m keeping Luke from what he asked nicely for and I feel awful about it. He’s pulling on my arm lightly and I just rub my thumb over the back of his hand a little.

“Oh, this year has been my first year of university, I’m doing a major in fine art and a minor in multimedia design. Are you planning on going to uni?” She explains, asking a question and Luke can’t do this anymore,

“Michael, we need to go. Please - I need - we have to leave,” Luke whispers lightly and he’s getting worked up over being here. He needs to just calm down and realize that there’s absolutely nothing to be panicked about. Absolutely nothing at all. But then again - I don’t know what it’s like to feel things how Luke does.

“Okay baby, you’re alright. We have to head off sorry, Ash will explain our plans for uni to you. Thanks for inviting us Ash,” I say to them all, finally leaving with Luke and the blonde just thanks me endlessly when we get outside and he wraps his arms around me in a hug, kissing my hair as he rocks us back and forward, like a little dance.

“I’m sorry, I’m all over the place today. We can just catch a bus back to Norwest, right? Or we can get a cab? Whatever you want,” Luke asks me and I really don’t mind. We end up just getting in a taxi that will actually take us all the way back to my house and Luke tips very generously. He just says Merry Christmas in French - Joyeux Noël - and it confuses the taxi driver, but he's thankful nonetheless. 

When we get inside Luke just wraps his arms around me once more from behind, just resting his head on my shoulder as he kisses my cheek, just in an odd mood today. He wants to be close to me, but he also wants space and I don't know where exactly I sit in amongst all of this. He holds my hands in his before he spins me around, kissing my lips and looking at me with adoration. I don't know what's up with him. 

"What's up angel?" I ask him, running my hands through his curly hair and he just shrugs a little, kissing me again and he's a bit odd right now with this desperation for physical affection, but I don't mind at all, as long as he's alright. He seems alright, dazed with love even and I don't know what's up with him, but he seems happy enough. 

"I don't know. I feel kind of out of it. Just wanna fuck you - or something," Luke explains and I didn't realize he was in that mood, but I'm really not a fan of the whole sex thing. I know I did it once with Luke and didn't mind it, but it's all of the after thought of the thing. It's all mental for me, and I don't think I want to do it again. I'm content with the fact that I did it with Luke once, but I don't want to do it again. 

"I'm sorry Lu, I can't do that again. It's not you - I just think I'm asexual and I can't make myself do it again," I say to him and he immediately just hugs me - not what I thought he would do. 

"I'm sorry - it shouldn't have felt like you needed to do that with me. I'm so sorry if I ever pressured you into it," Luke explains and I'm not viewing it like that. Not at all. But I am very opposed to ever doing it again and I made that quite clear. I just let him hug me and I can just feel that he's hard. Of course he is. He's a horny teenager. 

"You alright? That looks uncomfortable," I ask him, and he just scoffs a little, hitting my arm and groaning a little bit. He tells me that he's fine, he moves a little and he's ridiculous. I drag him upstairs, locking my door and I can help relieve him of his sudden problem . I'm not worried about that. 

So that's what we end up doing. I get Luke to cum practically all over himself and I feel extremely accomplished. He's left panting and in love and eventually we clean everything up and Luke is very thankful that I did that with him. Eventually we end up heading back downstairs when it's inconspicuous enough and my parents didn't even realize that we're home. Thank god. 

"You weren't out long, did it go alright?” My mother asks us and I wouldn’t use the word alright to describe what happened, but it wasn’t awful either. We met Ashton’s girlfriend, we went to the aquarium, we managed to eat an entire meal, so everything in between can be forgotten. What does it matter anyway?

“It was okay. Michael got me lunch, it was nice,” Luke explains and I’m glad he thinks so. Luke’s just so adorable, despite what we were just doing and honestly, I’m always in awe of him. He just smiles cheekily, dopily as he just looks back over to me and his lip ring contrasts his absolutely soft vibe right now and I don’t know how he manages to make it work.

“Yeah? So you caught up with everyone? And went to the aquarium?” My Mum asks and Luke just nods, myself having to be the one to audibly confirm this time round.

“We caught up with Ashton and Calum and their girlfriends. We hadn’t met Ashton's girlfriend before, so it was nice to meet her. She’s from America and she dyes her hair too. She was quite cool really, right Lu?” I ask and Luke nods before elaborating further on today’s little adventure.

“She was quite cool, yeah. While we were out I passed out - I was sick this morning too and I feel awful. I just feel really sick,” Luke mumbles out and he should have told me that he was still feeling bad because I would have tried to do something about it. My mother glares at me because - I should have told her - but I didn’t want to make a big deal out of things.

“Okay, you’re detoxing, yeah? Do you think it’s got to go with that or something else? Can you describe to me how you’re feeling?” My mother asks Luke and the blonde just seems to have gotten a whole lot groggier since mentioning his ill-feeling.

“I feel faint. Think I’m going to pass out,” Luke speaks and he sounds faint if that’s even possible. I instinctively find myself standing behind him, thank god because he was definitely right. He passes out - faints - whatever you want to call it - right into my arms and my mother and I quickly panic because we thought Luke was doing better.

“Fuck - Luke - are you awake, can you hear me?” And it’s always so weird to hear my mother swear, but she only does so in dire situations. This is one of those times and I just want to see his eyes open, but he’s out cold and I don’t know what’s wrong. He’s actually quite warm - but it’s summer, so I don’t know how warm exactly he should be.

“Luke? Please wake up - please,” I find myself speaking rather breathlessly, running my hand through his hair and my mother quickly checks his temperature with the back of her hand before cursing once more, telling me that she’ll be back with a thermometer, also telling me to call out if anything drastically changes. 

At that she leaves and I just keep running my hand through his hair - hopefully in comfort despite him being totally gone and it’s terrifying really. My Mum comes back, disheartened to see that Luke is still out cold, but we end up getting the thermometer under his armpit with great difficulty due to the long shirt - turtle neck that he’s wearing and it only works when I just manage to pull his shirt off.

His fever is crazily high. 39.4 degrees Celsius and my mother doesn’t like that number. She says that I should get a few facecloths, drench them in cold water, ring them out a little and bring them back in an attempt to cool Luke down. I practically run through the house to get facecloths, grabbing four or five and doing exactly what my Mum told me to do.

I bring them back and we end up laying them over Luke’s chest, stomach and also his forehead. They’re rather freezing but he doesn’t react in the slightest and I’m practically shaking. He’s completely out cold and I just want him to react. I want him to mumble or move or open those beautiful eyes of his, but he doesn’t so much as shift slightly.

“Okay - okay, we’ll get his fever down and he should wake up. High fevers can cause fainting, he should wake up soon as long as we keep him cool - yeah? Why didn’t you tell me he was sick?” She asks me and I’m not in the mood right now to just chat , because my fiancé is unconscious and I just want him to wake up. Please Luke - wake up .

“Because he seemed fine? He’s always sick - but he bounces back. I just assumed it was the withdrawal,” I say to her and she looks upset that I hadn’t mentioned this before, but not mad. She understands the confusion.

At that my eyes snap back to Luke when I hear a grumble, just a light, mumbly sound and I’m thankful that Luke moves a little, moving away from our touch and he’s so out of it but I understand why when he gags, turning his head and vomiting up his lunch on the lino flooring. He’s half conscious, he’s choking on vomit and he needs to lay on his side.

We manage to get him onto his side and he’s so out of it, but eventually his vomiting ceases and he’s just left shaky and panting as he wakes up a little more. He looks less hazy, but he’s sweating and honestly burning up. He needs to keep cool and stay awake.

“Hey mate, keep the face cloths on you, you’re burning up quite a lot. Don’t panic, you’re okay,” My mother speaks and Luke’s having difficulties catching his breath right now. He’s sick - both faint and physically sick and I just want him not to panic. I don’t want him to get worked up because right now that’s the last thing he needs.

“No - can’t - fuck - asthma,” Is all Luke manages to get out and what? What is he talking about? Neither myself or my mother know what he’s really talking about, but he’s coughing and unable to breathe and it looks a hell of a lot like a panic attack.

“Do you have an inhaler? Do you have asthma and do you use an inhaler?” My Mum asks Luke and he just nods desperately. I don’t know what we’re supposed to do with this information. I never knew this about Luke, he’s never mentioned it to me, and I feel like he should have said something about it. Then again he keeps secrets.

“Backpack - Michael’s room,” Luke rasps out and I bolt to my room, finding his bag and subsequently managing to find an inhaler. God he’s an idiot. He should tell me these things. I had asthma when I was a kid, I’ve since grown out of it, but I still have an inhaler laying around here somewhere - my parents getting new one’s yearly when they expire just in case. I’ve used it once in the past few years.

“Here, do you need help or can you do it on your own?” I ask the blonde and he just holds out his hands, breaths still struggling before he just uses the inhaler, breathing in when he’s sprayed the inhaler, coughing, hardly breathing and he just uses the inhaler again, breathing in the medicine and he’s finally getting to breathe a little bit more.

“I’m - I’m sorry - fuck - sorry,” Luke coughs out, wheezing more as he struggles a bit, taking another puff of the inhaler when he tries to breathe but is met with difficulty. He gets his breathing somewhat under control with his inhaler and I’m just glad he’s not currently dying. Just shirtless, sweaty and breathing rapidly as he tries to calm down. I’m inclined to clean up the vomit still on the floor. I should really - but my mother speaks up first.

“I’ll clean up, take Luke to either the couch or the downstairs bedroom and get him to strip down to his underwear. Take the face cloths too to get him cooled down and find a bucket in case he’s sick again. It’s alright Luke, don’t apologize for anything,” My mother says and I manage to get Luke to stand, but he’s too far gone in sickness to really move and so I have to carry him quite against his will.

He mumbles a stop to me before he just gives in and I carry him bridal style to the downstairs bathroom and he just wants to get under the covers of the bed because he’s shivering crazily - but he needs to cool down. He’s still hot so I run back out to the dining room to grab the flannels and the thermometer - also grabbing his inhaler should he need it.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” I ask him, motioning toward the inhaler as I lay the cold flannels on him again - ignoring his hatred for the cold on his skin. He’s still a little out of it, but he just allows me to check his temperature again.

“Lots of people have asthma. It’s not important - lots of people have it worse. My last attack was in the beginning of the month, it’s okay,” Luke explains and I just hate that. He’s acting like it’s not frequent, but this is the second attack this month apparently. He needs to tell me about these things.

“Any other medical issues you have Luke? Just want to clear them up because fuck I can’t deal with your lies anymore. I’m quite sick of them,” I’m fairly annoyed. I just find myself raising my voice and sounding unfairly angry and it just makes Luke flinch and tear up. I feel awful for scaring him like this.

“I’m sorry. Just asthma and the mental issues. That’s all - I promise,” Luke explains and I just nod a little, apologizing for my outburst at him. He tells me that it’s fine - that he’s sorry for lying or at least not telling the entire truth but right now all cares have flown out the window. He’s throwing up again in the bucket I grabbed and he’s absolutely exhausted and in a bad way. A horrible way.

“Get it all out Lu. That’s it, you’re okay,” I say to him as he spits out some spit - ironically - and he just flops back onto the bed when he’s sure he won’t throw up again. He’s having trouble breathing again, all of the gagging and vomiting starting up another asthma attack. I don’t know how many puffs from the inhaler he’s supposed to have, but I just give it back to him and he’s very thankful, breathing it in again.

He’s really struggling this time and I just keep a hand on his back, trying to coax air into his lungs despite knowing that his inhaler is kind of all that can help him right now. He takes a puff every thirty seconds or so for a few minutes, six puffs in total before he can finally breathe again.

“I’m sorry - that was gross. I hate being sick in front of people,” He mumbles and he’s still so out of it, but he’s more conscious than he was in the dining room at least. I smooth his hair away from his sweaty forehead a little and he’s in quite a bad way, so I check his temperature again. I don’t know what his temperature is supposed to be at, but when it beeps my Mum enters the room nonetheless.

“What’s it say Mike? Did you throw up again? I'm sorry Luke, I’ll clean this up then bring it back soon,” She explains and I just show her the numbers on the thermometer. 38.9 degrees Celsius. He’s not as warm as he was before, but he’s still on the verge of a dangerous fever and my Mum just has to think about what she can do to help.

“Do you think you can keep medicine down for half an hour? I can get you something for the fever and the nausea if you can keep it down?” My mother asks Luke and he just shakes his head, leaning over as I hold up the bucket for him again, just stomach acid really coming up. He’s got nothing left to throw up anyway.

"I'm sorry - fuck - inhaler," Luke requests the blue inhaler once more and I just hand it back to him, one puff being enough to pull him out of this again. He's left coughing into his arm, just completely and utterly poorly and I hate that withdrawal can do this to a person. I just know that this is what this is. 

"Might have to take you to the hospital if you keep going like this Luke. Over using your inhaler isn't good for you, you shouldn't take more than ten puffs a day," My mother explains and Luke just nods because he knows. He probably knows a lot more about this than my mother does and she's been a paramedic for over a decade. Luke just lays back down. 

"I can take meds. I should be able to keep it down for half an hour. I just feel chilly - but I've got a fever, right?" Luke asks and we both just nod. My mother takes the bucket when we're sure Luke won't throw up again, she also promises to bring back some medicine and I just sit beside the bed, running my hand through Luke's sweat drenched hair. Only an hour ago I was helping him relieve his boner, now he's practically sicker than I've ever seen anyone before. 

"You feeling any better? That was the scariest few minutes when you just didn't wake up Luke. I've seen you in that state too many times for so many different reasons and it never gets any easier. The asthma attack as well, are you feeling better?" I ask him and he just nods, curled up and hugging himself despite knowing that he needs to cool down and lay flat. He's self conscious and hates to be shirtless around my Mum. Especially as his scars are on display for anyone to see - and there are a lot.

"I'm feeling dizzy and light headed again. Mmm - Michael," Luke ends up groaning a little, clearly in some sort of pain before his eyes roll back for a second, out cold before he blinks immediately back into the world. He reaches out to my hand, just needing comfort right now and he's still very warm. My mother comes back with meds and a glass of water and Luke is beyond thankful. 

"He fainted for a second before, just a second or two. Lu, you're really warm, should I find a fan or something?" I ask my mum and she just nods, telling me that there's one in her room. So I manage to quickly get upstairs, unplug the fan, then get it downstairs without tripping over. I plug in the fan in the room, aiming it right on Luke and setting it to the highest speed. Luke's shivering, absolutely freezing in his own mind, but he's still radiating heat. 

"You need some fluids Luke. There's water here, or I could find something else if you'd rather something else? Otherwise there's a big glass just there if you want Mikey to give it to you?" My mother asks and Luke just mumbles that he's alright, just tired and that wasn't exactly what my mother was requesting. He needs fluids, it's not whether or not he feels like he does. He's very sick, he needs some water. 

"Don't wanna. I don't - please don't make me, mm mm," Luke's mumbling all out of it as I try to get him to sit up to have some water and he's got to just listen to me and my mother. He’s got to have some water because he’s become delirious. He’s got to keep his fluids up. Luke of all people should know this.

“Luke - for god’s sake, you need to drink this glass of water because I don’t want you to pass out again. You’re very ill and you need to help yourself,” My mother says and Luke just grumbles as I help him sit up so he can chug the water. He manages and I’m just thankful because he’s absolutely out of it.

“Michael, please can I have - please can I have the blankets I’m so cold,” Luke mumbles out and he’s so out of it because he knows that fevers make you feel cold but are actually making you very warm. Luke knows this. He’s not stupid - but right now he’s so exhausted and so delirious that he’s begging for what will hurt him more.

“No baby. You’ve got a fever bordering on needing to go to the hospital. Stay awake love. Luke? Luke wake up!” I find myself panicking because he’s gone again and this is my mothers last straw on the matter. She grabs out her cellphone and dials triple zero. She gets me to check Luke’s temperature again while he remains out cold.

“40.1 degrees. He’s warmer, is he going to be okay? Will he die?” I always think the worst about these kinds of things and my Mum just tells me to grab some water and splash it on him to keep him cool.

I do just that, I grab water and I splash it on his bare skin a little, letting the fan cool him down a bit and he’s still out cold, not responding and it’s terrifying. My mother is speaking calmly to the operator, explaining Luke’s current condition and that she and my Dad are paramedics so he's in good hands, he's just unconscious and needs to get to a hospital. 

"Michael, go to your father. Luke's alright. Luke's going to be okay. I need you to breathe or you'll end up in the hospital too. Please breathe and find your father. Luke's in good hands Mikey," My mother speaks when I start to panic and hyperventilate and I just nod, reluctantly leaving Luke to panic less. My Dad knows what's going on so I just plod out of the room, hardly breathing until I get to my father who just wraps me in a hug. 

I can't breathe, I can't calm down, but eventually I manage because I don't want a re-run of this morning. My Dad just shushes me and tells me that Luke will be alright and he probably won't need to go to hospital at all. Mum's just calling out of precaution. And that's what it is too. It's just a caution and eventually Luke wakes up. There's no need for a hospital visit - he just gave us all a massive scare and he wakes up hazy but my parents can treat that. 

He gets better slowly as the afternoon crawls along and I'm just thankful. My Mum knows that the fever was brought on by his withdrawal and Luke is just miserable all afternoon as he shivers on the bed with the fan pointed directly at him. He manages some sleep, and when he wakes up he's truly quite a bit better. He's no longer got a dangerously high fever, but he's still lethargic and shivery. 

"Take it easy kid, do you think you can stomach some toast? It'd be a good idea to keep you fed, yeah?" My Dad asks when Luke just begs me to leave this room and I take him to the dining room. Luke hates just sitting here in his underwear, but he needs to stay cool. He’s sitting with his arms wrapped around his legs in the fetal position on the seat because he doesn’t want to be seen barely clothed.

“I can have a piece of toast, I’m quite hungry actually. Kind of exhausted too - from the asthma attack, not the fever. That’s kind of come and gone quickly,” Luke explains and I just kiss his hair, getting up to make the toast for Luke. He keeps coughing into his arm - he had been since waking up and I’m a little worried about him. I doubt smoking has helped his asthma at all in the past few weeks and he needs to take it easy - like my Dad said.

“Luke, you alright love? Do you need your inhaler? I can grab it for you if you need me to?” I ask Luke after another round of coughs attacks Luke and he just nods desperately, finding it difficult to breathe as he coughs into his arm over and over. I run into the spare room, grabbing his inhaler and when I get back he just grabs it from my hand immediately, breathing in the medicine from the inhaler immediately to relieve his tight chest. He's struggling, but he doesn't want to use his inhaler again because that was already puff number eleven today and my Mum said you shouldn't use it ten times in a day. 

"Fuck. I'm sorry - it's so fucking gross - just the struggling to breathe sound. I'm alright. Just a bit out of breath," Luke explains and I must look terrified because he's the one reassuring me that he's fine. He just smiles a little and he's ridiculous. I just wrap him in a hug, kissing his hair and he's no longer practically burning to death. I'm so thankful and my parents are just relieved. I'm sure Luke is doing a great job at making us all lose years off of our lives. He's absolutely terrified the lot of us time and time again since getting back to Sydney. Surely this is the last time - right? 

"Just scary love, not gross. You think you've got it under control now? Are your attacks usually like this?" I ask him and he just nods to the first part about having it under control, further elaborating on my second question. 

"Yeah, it's usually this awful. I need like ten puffs of the inhaler to get it under control because it comes in rounds like that. It's rare to have an attack like that, it was the throwing up that just caused all of that. I think I'm just really stressed and fucking exhausted. That's why I've felt so bad and it's kind of manifested itself into actual illness. Human bodies and minds are crazy Michael. I think I need a break from the world," Luke explains and he's back to his eccentric, odd self again because his gestures are really overboard. 

"What do you need to satisfy your desires, Lucas?" I ask him with a posh British accent and he just hums a little. He doesn't really know and nor do I, but as he thinks about it he just draws patterns on my arm with his index finger and he's loosening up a bit. 

"Well if we're talking about desires then a dog in Sydney is at the top of that list. Along with a wedding where everyone wears different colors of the rainbow. I also want to just spend every cent of my money on dumb shit, but I shouldn't do that last one. Those are my current desires - minus desiring a world in which no human rights are violated at all, but alas even I can't fix that one overnight," Luke explains and I just nod along.

"I like the wedding idea. I also like the dog idea. I also like the idea about not violating human rights and I think there must be things you can do to raise awareness or something because you're still quite the famous guy Lu. You look much better Luke, you feeling better?" I ask him and he just nods because he is feeling a hell of a lot better. 

"I honestly feel fine now, must've been a quick thing. I felt awful all morning, so it's been hours really, but I promise I'm really good now. I just want to record that fucking stupid song I was working on because I won't feel content unless it's recorded. The only place I can record is Gray's studio - but he's dead and his family probably wouldn't want me there to be selfish and just record and leave. His family is actually really nice, he's got eleven fucking siblings and they're all angels," Luke explains and I just raise an eyebrow at the thought of having eleven siblings. Jesus Christ. 

"Well, did you know any of Gray's siblings well? Maybe you could pay them a visit if you felt up to it. You don't owe him or his family anything, but if you wanted to, you could see them and offer condolences - because I know he did fucking awful things to you, but I know that you're still upset. It's completely valid to be upset. Equally valid to want to go or not to go," I ask Luke, trying to keep it as open as possible and Luke thinks about it for a while. 

"He had seven brothers and four sisters. He was kind of the middle child amongst all of them, so his oldest brother is twenty three and his youngest siblings are fourteen. The youngest are triplets - so that's fucking weird, and Gray himself is a twin, so his brother looks exactly like him. It's kind of scary. The others don't really have much to do with him, he's the black sheep really - no one else in his family did drugs or anything, so they almost outcast him similarly to my own family for very different reasons. I didn't really know his family well, they were far posher than my own family because they were actually sane, but all the same - they're just rich assholes," Luke explains and I didn't know much of what he just explained. There's so much about Luke that I never know. 

"What are his siblings names if you can remember them? His name was fucking Gray for gods sake - surely his siblings have odd names too?" I ask Luke, trying to keep the mood bright as I grab the toast from the toaster that Luke just wants to eat plain. He explains as he picks at the heated bread.

"Yeah, I remember all of them. I'm cursed with the inability to really forget things. Okay, so all of Gray's siblings are also named after book characters. Starting at the oldest and working down to the triplets, I'll tell you their names and the book they're from. Rodion - Crime And Punishment, Daisy - The Great Gatsby, Atticus - To Kill A Mockingbird, Yossarian - Catch-22, Vianne - The Nightingale, Basil and Gray - The Picture Of Dorian Gray, Natasha - War and Peace, Athos - The Three Musketeers, Scarlette, Rhett and Ashley - Gone With The Wind," Luke explains and I don't know how he remembers all of that but he's really good with this random knowledge thing, so it doesn't really surprise me. 

"Damn. Here I am being an only child named Michael. What's with lavish people giving their children odd or complicated names - huh Louka?" I ask and he just flips me off. 

"It's because they clearly didn't have enough attention as is so when they start popping out kids they get their five minutes of fame before everyone forgets about them once more. At least that's what's happening nowadays. Don't know what it was like back in ninety six when I was born. I would assume it was similar,” Luke explains and I just think about how celebrities always give their children such odd names. Who names their child Apple - or Blanket? Apparently Gwyneth Paltrow and Michael Jackson respectively.

“Well, were your parents super famous then too?” I ask him and he just hums about that before attempting to answer.

“My Mother, not so much, but my Father has always been there in the world if that makes sense. Because of the vineyard and he was starting his business and - you know? I don’t know how to explain it very well. Basically my Father was known but not known like he was before he died,” Luke explains and I just nod. I understand the basis of what I asked, so he explained it just fine.

“Did you want to pay them a visit in the coming days or would you rather stay away?” I ask Luke, really trying to get him to think about this one and he’s very firm on his answer because there’s passion behind his words.

“No, I want to stay away. The Goldsworth family thinks that my family is clinically insane. They’re the only family that’s ever gotten close to ours and they made their own conclusions about our family after years that they could have walked away. They know stuff about my family that you don’t know and they hate all of us because they just think we’re literally mad. They won’t want me anywhere near them,” Luke explains and I just hate that somehow Gray is the victim in all of this when he’s done awful things to Luke. Indescribably awful things.

“Why does his family think yours is crazy when their son was the one to do awful things?” I ask him and he just grumbles about it all before explaining.

“Because my family is very unhinged Michael and you know that. My family is almost constantly and collectively drunk, okay? They know first hand just how eccentric and fucking weird we all are whilst wasted. A lot of really weird and awful stuff has happened whilst we were all overdoing it at events or whatever the hell led to us all being in the same room. I’ve spent the night at their house countless times after getting too drunk to even stand up because I’m such a lightweight and always try to keep up with everyone else. Basically their family is sick of our family’s shit, but they work for my Dad - or now, me - so,” Luke trails off and it makes a lot of sense really.

“I can see how that could be a lot. Are you excited to see Jamie tomorrow if you’re still feeling alright in the morning?” I ask him and he just nods excitedly, answering my question perfectly before he decides to verbalize it also.

“I’m really excited actually. I know that I’ve put on some weight and I just want Jamie to be proud of me. I just want Ben to be proud wherever he is,” Luke explains and he’s finally allowing himself to somewhat let people say they’re proud of him. I’ll always be proud of him for so many things he’s overcoming.

“You know how proud I am of you, right Luke? I’m so proud,” I say to him and he just nods because he knows. Luke just had more plain toast for dinner, food that’s easy on his stomach because he’s still a little queasy, so we think the best idea is to sleep apart again. He doesn’t want to get me sick even though his sickness has practically passed on it’s own.

Chapter Text

In the morning he’s feeling far better and actually eats both pieces of toast that I make for him. He’s extremely happy to be seeing Jamie again and so we bid my parents farewell after Luke and I get changed.

Luke’s wearing rather plain clothes for him, a plain black singlet with a white dress shirt on but undone over it and black skinny jeans. It’s what Luke always used to wear around Sydney and it’s a refreshing thing to see that Luke just dresses however the hell he wants. He pairs the look with the necklace my parents got him and he just wears a pair of black converse he has stuffed in the bottom of his bag. I’m just wearing my regular graphic-tee and black jeans get up.

I drive us to where Jamie works - Luke explains that she’s the only psychiatrist who works here amongst other therapists and Luke is still bitter toward the woman at the front desk. He doesn’t say anything to her and I have to do the talking, say Luke’s name and that we’re here to see Jamie and she just tells us to go right on through to that waiting room.

Luke is practically bouncing in his seat with joyful anticipation, trying to stay rather neutral but failing majorly because he is truly excited and he really feels it. I just keep my hand on his leg, my thumb just rubbing his leg and he tries to hide his smile.

But when Jamie finally enters the room Luke quickly stands up and wraps her in a hug. He’s just so glad to see her and Jamie is surprised but also very aware of Luke’s intense emotions so she just hugs him all the same, also very clearly happy to see Luke. She waves a greeting to me and I just awkwardly do the same and she tells us to come through to the blue room once more.

“I’ve missed this so much. I’ve really missed you,” Luke explains as we walk through the hallways, and Jamie just says that she’s missed Luke too. Eventually we get to the all too familiar room that’s felt more like a distant dream rather than a real place in the past few weeks. It’s somewhat reassuring to be back.

“Okay Luke, you alright to check your height, weight and blood pressure? I wanna see how you’ve been going, yeah?” Jamie asks and Luke doesn’t put up a fight this time. He just nods and goes to do those few things. He never looks at his own weight, he always looks away until we sit down in the usual seats so that Jamie can discuss everything with Luke.

She inputs the data into her computer that she wrote down and she brings up the previous few data inputs too to compare the results of her little tests.

“Alright. First things first it makes me so happy to see that you’ve put on weight since I last saw you. I don’t want you to be upset about putting on weight because it’s a really good thing Luke. You’re at 72.3 kilograms, okay? Our goal at the moment is 75 kilograms and then we’ll work from there. You should be proud of yourself,” Jamie says to Luke and the blonde just shrugs a little.

“Am I not at an alright weight now? I feel so bloated and gross all the time. I just - I’ve always had a large appetite, that’s what sucks so much. I’m always so fucking hungry and I have the worlds fastest metabolism, so I used to eat so fucking much. I’m so sick of being hungry because if I eat then I’m inclined to eat more and it’s awful. I hate it so much,” Luke explains and I understand what he means about a fast metabolism. I eat all the time and I hardly ever put on any weight. I eat and eat and eat and my weight hardly ever fluctuates.

“You’re in a better place now than you were before Luke, but you’re still really underweight for your height. You’re doing a great job with this so far Luke, you’re putting on some weight and I’m so proud of you, but you really need to get yourself to a healthy weight for your height to stop the fainting episodes you have after showers, and to stop the damage you’re doing to your internal organs by being this underweight. You’ve got to help yourself Luke,” She explains and Luke just shakes his head.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do that. I’ve tried and I feel awful all the time. I can’t handle feeling this way anymore. I already feel so fucking big, I don’t know how to explain it. I just don’t really want to do it anymore. I want to change my antidepressants - I’m miserable and I’ve taken them every day and nothing is changing. I don’t want to feel like this anymore,” Luke explains and I didn’t realize he was still so miserable. He said he was feeling better.

“How have you been feeling? Let’s talk, yeah?” Jamie asks me and he just frowns a little. He was so happy to come here, but as soon as it gets real he absolutely hates what’s happening. I can only assume it’s got to do with his BPD.

“I had to go to the hospital because I tried to kill myself. I’ve been feeling so low and I don’t know how to get out of this headspace. I’m so depressed all the time and I need some help before I seriously do kill myself,” Luke explains and I hate that he isn’t super open with me. He needs to be open with me so that I can help him.

“Alright, let’s talk about this. Have you been taking your meds every single day at the same time of day twice a day?” She asks and by the confused expression on our faces clearly explain that we didn’t know he was supposed to take his antidepressants twice daily.

“What do you mean twice daily? I thought I just had to take them once and then the other ones I had to take two pills. Is this why nothing is improving?” Luke asks and I just hate that Luke’s not helping himself. I mean - surely he should know how much of his medication he should be taking, but he’s just absolutely clueless.

“No. You’re supposed to take your antidepressants twice daily, when you wake up and with dinner. You’re supposed to take two of your antipsychotics at once, once a day,” She explains and Luke just sighs, throwing his head back in annoyance because he’s been doing it wrong this whole time. Cool.

“That makes so much more sense, oh my god,” Luke says and Jamie just sighs as well because sometimes Luke can be quite idiotic when it comes to these things. I don’t know what to say, so I just kind of sit here and Luke eventually explains at least his side of the story.
“See I thought it was like - one pill and I choose when I have it - morning or afternoon. I didn’t realize it was morning and afternoon. Sorry I just - I - English is difficult sometimes,” Luke explains and he’s flustered because he feels stink about it, but he laughs it off and Jamie just shakes her head a little.

“From now on, read the label properly, the both of you and take the pills twice daily. We’ll start with that and if you’re having difficulties with your depression as severely as you are now, then we can discuss alternate options, okay? Now, before I start my little activities with you, is there anything else you want to bring up?” Jamie asks and Luke does have something he wants to bring up.

“I had an awful asthma attack yesterday - I must’ve had a like twenty-four hour bug or something and I was quite sick. I was just wondering if you think I should go to my doctor and question it or not. I don’t use my inhaler often, but I couldn’t breathe at all and it was utterly terrifying,” Luke explains and Jamie just hums a little before giving her opinion on the matter.

“I think it wouldn’t hurt to see your doctor if you’re concerned. That’s what I would advise. But my first plan of action if I were in your shoes would be to quit smoking Luke. I know you smoke, I know it’s a stress reliever for you, but it’s by no means helping your asthma. It will only get worse the longer you smoke,” Jamie explains and this is exactly what I was saying. He’s really got to quit.

“Ha ha, funny. Oh, you're not joking. Alternatives?” Luke asks and he clearly does this a lot because Jamie just sighs and types something on her keyboard, looking at the screen that we can’t see and she starts writing a list for Luke on a piece of paper.

“Well, you could get prescription nicotine patches, or nicotine gum also. There are e-cigarettes available that don’t have nicotine in them, but end up putting fluid on your lungs as they’re based on using vapor rather than smoke - so they aren’t a great alternative, but certainly better than smoking. Or you could try to quit, yeah?” She speaks and Luke just nods.

“Those e-cigarettes, are they worth it? Like - is it better to transition to using one of them rather than cigarettes then try to get off of them, or would it just be better and easier to try to go straight off the cigarettes?” Luke asks and Jamie’s reply is immediate.

“In my opinion, I would say just try to quit. Don’t try to get addicted to something else cause then you will find it difficult to get off of that. Just try to stop from this point,” She explains and Luke just nods in understanding. That’s that, Luke’s finished speaking and so Jamie starts her activities that Luke has clearly been waiting to do.
“Alrighty Luke, if that’s all then we’ve got some things to work through, okay? We’ve gotta go through your list again, we can see if anything has changed, yeah?” Jamie asks, handing two pieces of paper over, one to me and one to Luke so we can do the same thing we did when we last wrote lists here.

We both write down three things at the moment that make us anxious or angry. Luke’s are different from the last time we were here and a few of mine are different too. They’re very different actually and Jamie is pleasantly surprised. Luke’s list reads;

Abandonment, Dying, Losing Control . 

They're different to last time. They aren't anything crazy or out there, they're completely valid and mine seem to be valid too when the two look over to mine and they both just smile lightly. 

Small Spaces, Alcohol, Vulnerability . 

"Right, Luke can you talk me through what it is about these things that either make you anxious or upset? I've never seen you write these ones before. It's interesting to see a change in what you've written," Jamie explains and Luke just taps his pen on the paper a little, thinking about how to say what he wants to say before he vocalizes the meaning behind these words. 

"Abandonment is a very valid fear, especially when my brother and father have both died, along with Gray. I just don't want anyone else to leave me. Being borderline my fear of abandonment also stems from my constant mood swings where all I want is someone before I push them away and then there's that feeling of abandonment that lingers. It's difficult. Dying - I always wanted to, then I overdosed and had an odd out of body experience that's difficult to explain but I've changed my stance on that. Then losing control - I just don't want to hurt people I love," Luke explains and it's all so valid. The part about that out of body experience intrigues Jamie. 

"That out of body experience, can you explain that to me a little? Just give me a run down and then we'll look through why Michael chose the three things he chose. Remember, you can tell me absolutely anything at all Luke, we've done this together for a while and I just want us to be open with one another. Yeah?" She says and Luke's just biting on his lip ring as he considers telling her. 

"Right, I don't want you to think I'm insane, okay? I was absolutely out of it because I practically killed myself anyway, and I totally felt Ben's presence all around me. It felt like he was what made sure I didn't die then and there. That it wasn't my time and that I should stay with Michael. I don't know how to describe the feeling, but I can't leave yet. I can't die yet. I need to live here longer before I can see Ben again," Luke explains and Jamie just listens to his every word. 

"I don't think you're insane at all Luke. I think that that is a completely valid and real experience you went through that's provided you with a new outlook on certain matters. So would you go so far as to say that you don't feel suicidal intentions any longer?" Jamie asks Luke and the blonde speaks immediately. 

"I wouldn't say that. But I would say that I'm thinking more about living than about dying. I've thought a lot about burying Ben's ashes properly so that I can visit his grave and really come to terms with his death. I think it still feels surreal because we never had a funeral for him. I text his phone all the time despite knowing he'll never reply. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and just lay on the grass of Michael's backyard for a while because I know he won't wake up while I'm gone - and I just lay there, talking to the sky, to Ben, just telling him about everything going on. I miss him, but he wants me here for a while longer," Luke explains and I never knew Luke did that.

“Have you been sleeping? I know you have difficulties sleeping, have you been managing a few more hours than usual?” Jamie asks Luke and I thought he was getting more sleep than usual, but by the way he slumps a little in his seat, he’s clearly not been sleeping well and I’ve been so blind to it all.

“Not really. I wake up about half an hour or an hour after falling to sleep because it's really warm - withdrawal leaves me sweaty and gross - and so I make sure Michael is asleep too because he sleeps so deeply, I could probably push him onto the ground and he wouldn't wake up. Regardless, when I'm sure he's asleep I get up and I quietly make my way downstairs and outside. The trampoline is a nice place to lay and just be . I don’t get back to sleep really. I lay out there for hours until about eight in the morning and I go back to bed, then I just lay there until Michael wakes up,” Luke explains and no wonder he got so sick yesterday . He’s trying to run on an hour of sleep each night - maybe even less.

“Is that all the sleep that you’re getting?” Jamie asks and Luke just shakes his head and I know that to be true too. Luke sleeps a bit during the day.

“I sleep better during the day. Usually on the couch at Michaels house. I’m just so exhausted all the time, so I find myself nodding off a bit,” Luke explains and I don’t blame him for being exhausted when he’s getting hardly any sleep at all. I’m not mad that he’s been lying to me, I just wish he would have told me earlier so I could have helped.

“I can see why mate. We’ll find a solution to this, yeah? It can’t be helping anything much at all to be this exhausted. Have you run out of sleeping pills? We could look at getting you more of them to help you sleep?” Jamie asks and I see how Luke tenses a little in his seat, shifting uncomfortably under Jamie's gaze and he has to explain.

“I don’t have anymore and I’m not allowed them in my possession anymore because I took forty something of them to try to kill myself. I need something that are difficult to overdose on, like I can’t really overdose on my antidepressants because they’re made that way. I need an alternative. Michaels parents have all of my meds so I can’t forget to take them. They’ve also safe proofed the house a bit. No knives in places I could find them and whatnot,” Luke explains and it’s true.

“Okay, that’s a good thing, yeah? We can try to find something else for you, yeah Luke? And if we can't then I'm sure we can find a way for you to take the regular ones safely," She explains and Luke just nods because he's desperate for proper rest. 

"It's not that I don't want to sleep, I'm absolutely desperate for sleep. I just can't lay there awake so I get up and do something. I've been writing music a lot outside. It's therapeutic, I can just lay out there with an acoustic guitar and write while I forget about everything in the world," Luke explains and I hate that he doesn't tell me these things. 
"Michael's parents have woken up to me accidentally dropping shit on the way outside and they promised not to tell Michael because I didn't want him to worry about me. They know that I'm not sleeping well," Luke explains and so much for my parents telling me to tell them everything. They're keeping secrets about Luke too. 

"Should've told me angel. I would've sat up with you and made sure you for back to sleep if I had known," I explain and this is clearly what Luke was worried about. He just shakes his head before explaining. 

"That's why I never told you. I don't want you staying up and not getting enough sleep because I can't sleep. No use in torturing us both. I'm fine, I don't need eight hours," Luke explains and I know that he's just doing that whole laugh it off kind of thing again. He's just brushing it all off. He's blatantly lying and hurting himself so that he can just get by without others being too worried. It's not working. So many people worry about him. 

"That's not quite true Luke. Seventeen year old's who are as busy as you are need eight or more hours of sleep to properly function. Getting merely an hour or two sleep each night can lead to chronic sleep deprivation and can lead to dangerous circumstances while driving or while in situations that require you to be alert, yeah? It can lead to trouble concentrating, headaches, especially for you with BPD - mood swings and aggressive behavior, higher chances of stroke, heart attacks, seizures - you name it. You can also end up having memory issues along with symptoms of mania, psychosis, processing information incorrectly or not at all, high stress levels - do you want me to keep going or are you starting to understand?" Jamie asks Luke and he just nods that he understands.

“I’m so tired,” Is all Luke really says, covering his eyes with the palms of his hands and he’s overly emotional right now but I don’t blame him. He’s absolutely exhausted and it’s an awful thing to constantly feel. He’s holding back tears and I just let him rest his head on me as he holds back sobs.

“I can’t imagine how it must feel Luke. Try to get some rest here while Michael and I chat about a few things yeah? You can lay down on the little couch over there or you can sleep with your head on Michael if you like - whatever works,” Jamie suggests and Luke just nods, standing up to go and curl up on the little couch.

I watch him just shiver on the couch for a while as we sit here in silence, waiting until he actually drifts off. And it never takes Luke very long to get to sleep. It’s just staying asleep that’s hard. He drifts off quickly and Jamie starts making a plan.

“Right, the first thing that we need to get under control with Luke is his sleep. We could try some stimulus control therapy - making sure you’re only in the bedroom for sleep when you’re tired. So if Luke is in his bedroom or your room for longer than twenty minutes without sleeping, leave the room then come back when he’s tired, right?” Jamie explains and I just nod.

“Luke’s been sleeping with me some nights and in our spare room the past two nights, last night since he’d been sick, then the night before because he had a complete breakdown and passed out in my Dad’s embrace. He was just exhausted and coming down from some kind of high and we thought it would be better to make sure he slept downstairs,” I explain to Jamie and she clearly wants to know more.

“Can you tell me more about what led up to that? I just want to understand the situation a little more,” Jamie asks me and I suppose I can explain it all somewhat. I’m still a little bit confused myself, but I can explain what I know.

“Well we’ve been trying to get Luke clean because he’s hurting himself with drugs. He’d been taking Xanax and something else I can’t remember the name of and he’d been taking them all day to ‘ stop his mind from spinning and racing, to slow the world down and to stay real and in control of his brain ’. He started panicking and sobbing and thrashing around so I got my parents because they are paramedics and deal with drugged up people all the time so I knew they could help. He was just screaming and sobbing and my Dad just held onto him till he wore himself out,” I explain and Jamie very quickly frowns as she writes a few details down.

“So he’s detoxing? That’s why he’s all shivery and shaky. I’ll have to find out what the other thing is it he was taking, but you did the absolute best thing you could’ve done. Luke is lucky to have yourself and your parents in his life. He’s wanted a proper family for a long time,” Jamie explains and I’m glad we can give him that.

“My parents managed to get Luke’s mothers legal guardianship removed and transferred to my mother. Luke was very happy because his mother has been trying to get a conservatorship filed against him. She’s been so controlling and manipulative,” I explain and Jamie just knows. She’s had to stand by and send Luke home to his mother after these sessions whilst being told how manipulative and awful she is and she just has to smile and pretend that Luke’s never said anything awful about her.

“I’m very aware love. Luke’s told me a lot about his mother. I’m very aware that she’s emotionally and physically abusive and has been abused herself by Luke’s father although that’s no excuse for her to hurt Luke the way she does. There isn’t much I can do about it until Luke reports her to officials if he chooses to do that,” Jamie explains and - physically abusive too? Luke needs to tell me these things.

“She was always just so nice and caring toward Luke when I was around. He trusted her so much around me and it’s scary to know that Luke was being abused by her all along and just putting on a happy face,” I explain and Jamie just nods, knowing exactly what I know and more.

“It’s scary how well victims hide the fact that they’re being abused. Luke would come here every day, hug his Mum goodbye for our hour session then as soon as the door closed he’d break down in sobs because he was so scared that she’d hurt him. It’s just because it was constant. She’d get drunk and encourage Luke to get drunk too, then they’d both be out of it and she’s an emotional drunk, so she’d get mad and slap Luke across the face then start apologizing and sobbing and that’s where the emotional hurt comes in because not only did she hurt him, but she’d then cry and make Luke feel like it was his fault. It’s far more common than you might think,” Jamie explains and I didn’t know that.

“Luke doesn’t deserve to be treated so awfully. He deserves so much love and acceptance. There was one day in France where Luke was utterly and undeniably himself - when he got a skirt and wore it and showed me the Arc de Triomphe. He was properly happy and his eyes lit up and he was undeniably Luke . I just want to see him like that always,” I tell Jamie and she just nods solemnly.

“That’s all I want too, Michael. You should find those little things that make Luke happy and try to get him to experience that more often - if that makes sense. Don’t overwhelm him with too much change, but try to get him out of his comfort zone,” She’s making a plan and I guess we can try. All we can do is try.

“We have our school award thing tonight and we’ve made sure Luke’s coming with us. Will that be too much? Should we stay home instead?” I ask and she just shakes her head, explaining her views on the matter.

“Definitely go to it and drag Luke along. I know he’s always wanted to go but his nerves have gotten the better of him. If you’re there with him it will help. He’s been wanting to go, I know that. It will be good for him, to get out there and allow himself to celebrate his successes,” Jamie explains and that’s exactly what I was thinking.

“I’m really thankful for you Jamie. Luke’s so thankful for you too. It just means a lot to him and I hope you know that," I say to Jamie and she just smiles so genuinely that I feel like I've done some kind of good deed. 

“Well I’m so thankful that you’re in Luke’s life. You mean the world to him Michael, and you’ve quite frankly absolutely saved his life. I’m so thankful for you, and I just know Luke is so thankful too,” Jamie says to me and it fills me with a sense of pure happiness. It means a lot to know that I’ve helped Luke. I’m not just getting in the way.

Luke and I stay here until the session is up - Luke genuinely managing to stay asleep for the rest of the hour, getting in another forty minutes or so and I can just see how thankful he is for the whole thing. He bids Jamie farewell with another hug and we never got to go over my three chosen anxieties, but I don’t really mind because Luke is the priority - they’re his sessions.

“Michael? Your Mum or Dad should teach me how to drive. I have my license, I just - can’t do it - well I’ve never tried. It would fill in time before tonight, right?” Luke asks me and I don’t see why not. We need to be at the school hall at four for a practice of tonight's award ceremony, so we have four and a bit hours to kill.

“I don’t see why not Lu. The family car is a manual, so we can find an industrial area where no one else is driving and my Dad can show you the basics,” I say to him and he just nods excitedly, clearly wanting that. And the drive home is rather eventful really - mainly because Luke is in high spirits and far better rested.

He sings along obnoxiously to the songs that play on the radio, also singing along to any of the guitar solos which is hilarious and so when we pull up to a stop sign and I make sure no one else is around and we aren’t going to hold anyone up, I record Luke singing along to ‘ I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me) ’ by Whitney Houston . I’m just astounded that he knows absolutely every word to the song. He performs for the camera too.

“Oh, I wanna dance with somebody
I wanna feel the heat with somebody
Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody
With somebody who loves me”

Luke sings passionately as I just laugh along to his antics, filming him for about half the song before I spot a car in the rear-view mirror and we can no longer sit at the stop sign. I stop recording Luke but that doesn’t stop him from belting out the words in his seat, dancing as much as he can whilst seated and he’s so adorable.

I’m almost glad the cars radio is always on this 80’s playlist because Luke clearly likes music from that decade more than any other music. ‘ Girls On Film ’ by Duran Duran comes on and Luke practically squeals with excitement. He just lip syncs along to this one, dancing in his seat again and he’s so cute. I don’t know any other way to describe him. He’s just so cute that it’s ridiculous.

“I love this song,” Luke tells me when ‘ Under Pressure’ by Queen and David Bowie comes on and he didn’t need to tell me that because I can see by the smile on his face that he just loves it so much. He sings along passionately to all of the nonsense that Freddie Mercury babbles out in the second verse, but it’s the bridge he too likes. I find myself singing along too and it’s a hell of a lot of fun.

When we get home Luke and I lay on the trampoline in the sun because I now know that he loves it. He lays with his head on my stomach, the guitar he brought me in his hands as he just plays a light riff that’s just so beautiful. He’s got his eyes closed, he’s humming lightly and he’s in a musical mood today.

I’m just playing with his hair as he lays here with me and there’s not going to be much time to drive if we stay laying here, but I just want Luke to rest. And he yawns a little as he hums and plays the electric unplugged, but eventually his playing gets a little sloppy before it finishes all together and he’s fallen asleep laying here with his head on me.

I just keep playing with his hair as we lay here, the guitar resting on him as he sleeps and he’s so cute because he just mumbles and snuggles into me a little. He’s asleep, I’m sure, but Luke moves a lot in his sleep, so when he’s sleeping on me, he just snuggles into me, rolling over a little and I have to make sure he doesn’t break the guitar he purchased days ago.

He sleeps on and off for two hours straight out here, thankfully the tree in the backyard gives us shade after a few minutes in the blistering sun because I wake Luke up to move to the grass so we don’t get sunburnt and he’s all hazy and almost trips off of the tramp if I didn’t keep him upright because he’s still half asleep.

We lay under that tree for two hours, Luke curled up with his head now on my chest and he’s getting some rest so I’m beyond glad. He only wakes up when he’s been thrashing around for a while and when he’s awake - now he’s awake.

He hugs me and we’re just laying on the grass and it’s so weird but he’s so smiley and he’s slept even more. He just mumbles a hello to me and I just want to say hello back, but he kisses me and he’s in some kind of love-bliss because he’s so happy and clingy right now. I don’t enjoy the outdoors, so I end up dragging Luke indoors and he just holds onto my arm, trying to keep me outdoor with a smile on his face.

“Outside Mikey, stay outside you vampire,” He says and I very quickly pause because Luke never uses nicknames although his own name is a nickname . I freeze and he realizes why I’ve frozen a little - smile on my face - and he just frowns a little. He’s getting comfortable with me in his life and this proves that.

“You did it! Thank god, I was starting to think you were a robot or something. You can call me Mikey you know,” I say to Luke and he just smiles a bit, nodding and allowing himself to be a little less formal with how he addresses me.

“Well okay then Mikey . I’m not a robot, I promise. Can I talk to you about something?” Luke asks me, suddenly rather serious and oh . Yeah, he can always talk to me about serious things. I want Luke to talk to me about things that he finds important. I want Luke to be honest and to be real with me. That’s all I want.

“Yeah love, you can talk to me about anything at all. Do you want to come inside and sit down?” I ask him cause he’s a little shaky right now and he just nods, following me to the dining room where he can talk to me. He’s quiet for a while before he speaks to me and I wasn’t expecting it in the slightest.

“Michael, I think gender is fucking stupid. I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I really don’t like being labeled male so blatantly. I like male pronouns when being referred to as like ‘ oh he did this, he did that ’, but like - when your mother referred to me as a boy I just - that’s what I hate. I just wanted to tell you that. That’s all,” Luke explains and I just stay quiet for a while as I process it all.

“Wait - so you want to go by different pronouns?” Is all I ask and Luke just says no. Okay . He’s a little teary. He’s thinking it all over and I just give him time.

“I don’t want to change pronouns. Using they/them doesn’t feel right when referring me, he/him is good. But I don’t want to be a male. I just want to be non-gendered. I don’t want to be labeled as a male, I don’t want to be labeled as your boyfriend , I just want to go by he/him when being referred to like that, but otherwise I don’t want anyone I associate myself with to use gendered terms in any other circumstances. Is that okay?” Luke asks me and I would never say it isn’t okay.

“Of course it’s okay Luke. It’s who you are and no one else's opinion should change that. I can refer to you as whatever you want me to refer to you as. I can use he/him, but call you my partner if you want?" I ask him and he just nods happily, that clearly being his preference. 

"Yes! Yes, thank you so much! I suppose he/they is alright, I'd rather just keep that how you always have, but yeah, change the other things. I've just always personally found gender so confusing and trapping. I've always felt so gender fluid really, but I'm opening up my mind to more non-binary terms. It's so freeing. Like I can just be me. Thank you so much for accepting me Michael," Luke says, kissing me with both hands on my cheeks and he's adorable.

"I will always love you Lu. I love you so so much. So is this something you want to tell Ash and Calum or just me for now?" I ask him and he just thinks about it. 

"Tell them. I don't want to be lying to them and to you about things anymore, so I'm being really open to make up for it. I just want to be a better person, that's all," Luke explains and I'm proud of him in ways. In others I don't want him to be too open to prove something to himself. People are allowed to have secrets or bend truths. 

"I'm sure they will appreciate that baby. We should probably start getting somewhat ready for everything after we have lunch. Do you want something here or do you want to go out for lunch? It's up to you," I ask him as my parents just stick their heads into the room to say hello before they're back to doing whatever they've been doing since we got home. 

"We can go out? Sorry, that was a bad English moment - fuck. Uh - can we go out? Is what I'm trying to ask," Luke laughs off his awful grammar and I know he's getting flustered but he doesn't need to be flustered. He called it a bad English moment, I'd just call it a blonde moment. Luke's the opposite of a dumb blonde, but in these moments the stereotype really trickles through. 

"Yeah blondie. We can go wherever you'd like. What's a place in Sydney that you'd recommend for good food. I can imagine someone like you would know the best places," I ask him and he just nods, thinking about where exactly we should go. He thinks for a while about the whole thing before he decides on something interesting. 

"Okay, there's this place called Rude in the middle of Sydney and it's entirely vegan. It's amazing. It's got like all meat alternatives and what not it's really -" Luke trails himself off when he realizes how excited he is about this place and it's nice to hear him excited about food. If anything, I encourage his excitement. He doesn't encourage his own excitement much. 

"Keep telling me about it. And about where it is mate, we're totally going there. It sounds awesome," I say to him and he just looks glad that I think it sounds cool too. Luke constantly seeks this validation and so it's a good idea to validate his excitement in moments like these. 

"Well, they have this really good - crazy spicy ramen with tofu and scallions and what not. It's the best food ever - it's literally to die for. They also have vegan chicken - so it's like - not chicken but tastes like chicken. It's so good my god," Luke explains and he just sounds so happy talking about this place. I explain to my parents that Luke and I are going out for afternoon tea/lunch and they just tell us to stay safe and have fun. 

The whole way there Luke raves about the place. He tells me that he used to come here every single day when he was younger after school with Ben and he'd get his older brother to order the food because his English wasn't great. He has a lot of memories there clearly, and when we arrive we're both glad that it's quite quiet. Another couple is in here and the room is so well decorated. 

The seats are all light pink, that accent color everywhere in the room, contrasting the white walls and tables very artistically. There are hanging plants and green booth seats that Luke immediately gravitates toward. He sits and I sit opposite to him as he hands the menu over to me. He already knows what he's getting, but I need to have a look at what they have.

"I used to come here when I was so small my feet couldn't even touch the ground. It's the only quiet place in Sydney that beats out the food in the busy places. What are you going to get?" He speaks passionately about this place and he's so cute. I always resort back to that. He's just so cute. 

“I don’t know yet angel, calm down. You’re so happy, I love to see it,” I say to him and he tells me to choose something already so he can get his food too. He’s resting his head in hands as he just watches me look through the menu. I don’t know what to get. I have no idea about what to get at all because I’m so bad at choosing things. Especially when I just love food so much.

I look through the menu for a while before I notice something out of the corner of my eye. Luke’s eyes flutter a little and it’s familiar. He’s dissociating. He’s falling out of reality and he’s so far gone suddenly. I don’t know if I should say something or do anything because I know it will draw attention and Luke definitely won’t want that at all.

“Hey, angel? Hey, you with me?” I ask Luke and he blinks out of the state, rubbing his eyes a little almost to wake himself up a bit and I need to give him some time. I know he’s exhausted, I know he’s going through shit right now and this has absolutely thrown him. He’s a bit out of it and I feel so bad because he just wanted this to go well.

“I’m sorry,” Is all Luke says. He apologizes and he doesn’t need to apologize at all. He’s gone through so much trauma in his life and I can only imagine that being in a place he used to come with his brother is a lot. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea.

“Don’t apologize, we can leave if it’s here that’s triggering this?” I ask him and he just zones out again, his eyes glazed as he just looks ahead of him, not responding and we shouldn’t stay here if this is what’s going to happen. He blinks out of the dissociation again and he’s so out of it right now, but I don’t blame him.

“Fuck - I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m sorry,” Luke mumbles out and we should probably leave. But when I voice that he just says that he wants to stay. I give him a moment to get his bearings, to calm down a little and he spaces out once more before he manages to stay in reality for a while longer.

“Okay, if you’re sure you’re alright then we can get food, yeah? I’ll get the chicken you were talking about, yeah?” I say to him and he just nods, extremely exhausted but still wanting to get food here. Luke just says that someone will come around and take our order and it’s kind of like a restaurant, but kind of like a café - I’m confused as to which it’s supposed to exactly be.

Luke orders what he was raving about - vegan noodle soup - (or; 'Phở' as it's written on the menu as this is a Vietnamese restaurant technically) - and I get the not-chicken chicken. It’s funny really and Luke is just back to being his overly enthusiastic, odd self when we’ve ordered and now we await our food. He’s back to joking around and being adorable. I can’t help but think he was just in an odd headspace with his BPD and he’s flipped back around to a good mood, but I don’t voice that thought. I’m just glad he’s alright.

“After this can we just stop in at the mall or someplace similar so I can buy a new phone. I never ended up getting around to that,” Luke explains and I had completely forgotten about his phone. Of course we can do that - I tell him that and he’s thankful despite never really using his phone at all.

As Luke and I sit and wait for our food, Luke just holds my hands in his on the table, looking at the ring he proposed with and it’s become a permanent part of myself now. He’s got his eyes on the ring for a while before he makes a cheeky remark.

“Man, the person who proposed to you must be a pretty fantastic human being huh? Super lucky too, imagine ending up with someone as beautiful as you,” Luke says and I just flip him off cause he’s being ridiculous. He knows what he’s doing because he just smiles to himself and he’s an idiot.

When our food is brought out to us I wasn’t expecting it to be so gourmet looking. Luke’s looks absolutely phenomenal - as does mine and we just thank the worker graciously for our food. I know Luke won’t eat the entire dish - I don’t think I could finish it, but he just looks so excited to dig into this. I’m damn excited too.

“You know how to use chopsticks?” I ask Luke when he picks up the eating utensils and he looks at me like I’m stupid. I can’t use chopsticks for the life of me, I just don’t understand them at all but Luke clearly does.

“Yes? You don’t? Oh that’s very sad Mr Michael Clifford. I spent some time in Japan last year and I learnt all about Japanese chopstick etiquette. I also yeah - learnt quite well how to use chopsticks properly. That didn’t make much sense, you get it,” Luke explains and I understand.

“It looks crazy good Lu,” I say to him and he just nods along, agreeing very clearly. I can’t wait any longer to eat, my stomach starts rumbling and so we both dig in. It’s crazy just how amazing the fake chicken is - I’d almost go as far as to say it’s better than regular chicken and Luke is just watching my reaction to the food before he himself starts eating.

“You should try my one too, Michael. It’s seriously the best food on the planet. Do you like mushrooms?” Luke asks me as he picks up a mushroom, eating it and I just scrunch up my nose. I wouldn’t class myself as a picky eater, but in this case, I don’t think I’d ever even like to try a mushroom. It sounds repulsive.

“No. I don’t know - I don’t want to ever try a mushroom, looks gross. It's literal fungus - you're eating fungus,” I say to him and he just frowns, pouting at that. He just continues eating his food and it smells so amazing. He’s good with chopsticks, that’s true - and Luke’s eating etiquette as a whole is so posh. He’s so posh and he’s honestly too posh for me.

“You should try it Mikey,” Luke says and he just melts me because he never uses nicknames. So I give in and try his food which is absolutely far too spicy to even have any other definable flavor. He’s a psychopath, there’s no way that he can just eat this without needing immediate water or even milk because - man it’s so spicy.

“What the fuck? Jesus Christ,” I find myself cursing and Luke just smiles evilly because he knew that I would find it far too spicy. He holds back a laugh, he actually has to hold it in and he’s ridiculously sadistic. He finds other people’s pain and discomfort funny and it’s a bit scary really, but I know at least now it’s all in good fun.

“You’re weak. It’s not that bad, it’s so good,” Luke says as he just continues to eat his food while I just down my water to stop the burn in my mouth. I finish my food absolutely loving it and Luke manages to eat quite a lot if I’m honest. He’s done a good job and I’m glad he’s allowing himself to eat more and get more rest recently.

We also both got this drink that Luke recommended - a sugarcane drink, nước mía (pronounced; 'nook - meer' as Luke explains) and it's so sweet and honestly to die for. I'm surprised that Luke likes such a sugary drink that's literally made from sugarcanes, but he honestly loves it and tells me that it even competes with a good gin and tonic or tequila lime. That's high praise in Luke's eyes.

Luke pays for the food and the owner of the store recognizes him. The owner of the store is an old Vietnamese man that doesn’t speak much English at all, but he remembers Luke and the realization and smile on his face when that realization hits is phenomenal.

“You’re back! Last I saw you you were this small,” He speaks, holding his hand up to about half Luke’s height and the blonde boy just laughs, looking so absolutely and genuinely happy that it means a hell of a lot to me . I love seeing him happy, I love seeing him just so beautifully joyous and it’s a great thing.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been back in so long. The food was amazing, I love it here,” Luke explains and the owner just smiles as brightly as Luke, nodding along and thanking him for coming back to his store. He just looks so joyful too and it’s a nice thing to see.

“Your brother is coming back too one day, yes?” He asks and oh . It very quickly hits Luke in the heart. He stutters a little bit, trying to think of what exactly to say and I just hold his hand as he tries to vocalize his thoughts. He doesn’t know what exactly to say, but he eventually bites back his anxieties and he’s really strong.

“My brother actually passed away so no, he won’t be back. He loved this place so much, I have a lot of memories of him from here and I would love to thank you for that,” Luke explains and I see the owner immediately feel very bad. He didn’t mean to bring up anything bad, he didn’t mean to - but he honestly couldn’t have known.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” He says, but Luke just smiles away the tears in his eyes, saying that it’s fine. At that he pays and bids the owner farewell so we can leave. He thanks him once again and the owner thanks Luke too for coming back in. We hop back into the car and Luke just wants to forget about that. He wants me not to bring it up.

“Don’t say anything - don’t fucking bring it up. Fucks sake,” Luke says when he slams the door after he gets in and he’s just pressing his palms to his eyes, trying to calm himself down to no avail. He’s so worked up right now that it’s scary to see.

“Hey, it’s alright, calm down a little lovely. It’s okay,” I say to him and he just gets aggressive and stand-off-ish. He flinches away from my hand when I try to console him, cursing directly at me and I haven’t seen his anger directed at me like this in a long time. I haven’t seen him this angry in a long time. It’s quite scary.

“Fuck you - don’t fucking talk to me. Don’t talk to me, I swear to god I will fucking lose it if you say another fucking word,” Luke says to me and he’s crazily threatening as he speaks. I want to calm him down, I want to tell him to stay calm - but he just told me not to talk. I don’t know what to do, I stay silent for a while before I speak again.

“You don’t mean that Luke,” I say to him and oh he definitely meant it. He absolutely loses it at me. He starts swearing and I flinch a little, but he holds me at my wrist and Luke’s never been physically violent with me in our relationship. My heart is beating a million miles a minute and I feel like I can’t breathe and I just know tears are welling in my eyes but he doesn’t seem to care much.

“I told you not to talk to me! You directly disobeyed me and what I wanted! Can’t you just listen to me for once Michael? I have been nothing but fair and loving toward you and I ask for one thing in return so that I can calm myself down so that this wouldn’t happen. You did this to yourself, you’re the issue here, fucking hell!” Luke yells at me and I hate his raised voice.

“I’m sorry - I’m sorry Luke. I’m sorry,” I apologize a few times, my hands held by his at the wrists and he has no remorse with how tightly he’s gripping my wrists. He’s hurting me, he’s clenching his jaw as he just grips onto my wrists and it hurts. He’s doing this with the intent to hurt me and I try to pull my arms away from him, but he’s not letting go of me so soon.

“Don’t tell me you’re fucking sorry when you’re not! You’re far from sorry! You don’t care about how I feel, you’re always so fucking mean - you just fucking hate me - everyone always hates me and I’m so sick of it. I want you to just stop hating me,” Luke says and - what? Where is this coming from? I care so much about him. I’d never hate him.

“I’d never hate you Luke, I care so much about you. Please calm down and let go of me. You’re really hurting me - please,” I find myself practically pleading because it’s really starting to hurt now. He’s not letting me go - until I say that. It’s like he snaps out of it immediately. He lets go of my wrists immediately and he looks terrified of himself.

He gets out of the car. He’s absolutely emotionally worked up and he just walks away from the car - far away from the car and he’s just sobbing as he clutches his hands together over his head, hiding himself, trying to calm down, trying to get it together and he’s just losing it. He’s so far gone and he needs some alone time. I need alone time too.

It’s a long alone time too. I keep Luke in my eyes on Luke the whole time and he’s just sobbing on the sidewalk. He calms down after about fifteen minutes and he eventually just comes back to the car, not saying anything and he knows he absolutely fucked up. I can admit that too. He fucked me over and I am mad. I’m not going to say anything. I’m giving him the silent treatment and I just start up the car, driving to the nearest mall.

We don’t talk the whole way there, Luke doesn’t hold my hand in the mall, he doesn’t say a word to me, but then again I don’t say anything either. We find a JB-HI-FI and Luke needs to buy a new phone, so we both wordlessly walk into the store. Luke walks over to the vinyl's rather than the phones and he’s ridiculous.

He apologizes to me, he’s genuine with his apology and I can’t stay mad at him. I just hug him despite the bruises forming on my wrists and I just rest my head in the crook of his neck because I just love this boy so much. I know he didn’t mean to, I know he was going through a lot, so forgiveness is easy.

“We need to get you that phone Louka. I wanna do something that my parents will kill me for, you’ve convinced me,” I explain to Luke and he looks immediately intrigued but I tell him that I won’t tell him until he chooses a phone.

He ends up just asking the guy who works here what phone is the best one and he has a far too lengthy conversation with him about how Luke knows nothing about phones, so really it doesn't matter what he gets, but the worker says that the new iPhone - the iPhone 5s is the best phone out at the moment, so Luke goes with that. 

Choosing a color for Luke however is the most difficult part of the whole thing. There’s either silver or gold. Luke looks like he’s going through an existential crisis when the worker asks which color he’s after and I know he’ll never come up with an answer on his own. He needs to just choose one of them - it doesn’t really matter which one, but I suppose that if he’s spending half a grand on an iPhone, then he better like it.

He ends up going with the gold one and once that’s all paid for, I can finally tell him what I want to do. I’ve been thinking about it a bit since Luke brought it up, but I’ve really been wanting to get my ears pierced. I’ve been wanting to do it for a while anyway and I know my parents would never love the idea, but I’m eighteen. I can do whatever I want.

“I wanna get my ears pierced. Want to come with me?” I ask Luke and he looks so excited. He nods immediately, that’s all he wants right now and I’m glad. It’ll take both of our minds off of what happened earlier, so we make our way to the least punk rock place to get a piercing - the pharmacy - and Luke says that it’s a good idea to just get it done here.

It’s about fifty dollars and Luke offers to pay for me, but I have my money on me for once, so I decide that I’m going to do this. It’s funny really, Luke holds my hand the whole time because I’m so nervous and he just tells me that it’ll be fine. I close my eyes when the countdown of the piercing gun being used starts and Luke just laughs at me.

It’s a pain that kind of takes your breath away for a second, I’m just holding Luke’s hand so tightly and it honestly wasn’t that bad. I get the other ear done too and when it’s all over, Luke just says that he’s proud of me. They’re just black studs that I chose and Luke tells me that I look punk rock.

“Do I look as punk rock as you?” I ask him and he just smiles, a yeah being said on his end and everything feels a little hazy. The pain really wasn’t that bad, but it was still a shock really and the nice lady who pierced my ears tells me to keep breathing steadily so I don’t pass out like the last person that was in here.

“I passed out when I got my lip pierced, but you’re tough as nails, right Michael?” He asks me and I just nod a little, biting back the pain. It really isn’t that bad and I soon get over it so I can look in the mirror. Punk rock would be an accurate description, especially with my green hair. Man, my parents are gonna kill me.

“How long do I have to wait till I can change them to like - those ring ones like what Luke’s got in his lip?” I ask the lady and she says that I could technically take them out right now if I really wanted to - but it would be painful. She recommends waiting six weeks before changing them. No way in hell am I waiting that long.
"Thank you so much for this,” I say to her and she just says no problem. And that’s that. Ears pierced. Done.

We’re in better spirits on the drive home and I just know that as soon as my parents see my ears pierced they’re gonna freak out. Maybe I can avoid them until tonight. I got an email reply about dress code for tonight. Since it’s just graduates going, we’re all allowed to wear tidy non-uniform. 

That sets Luke’s mind racing but we can just wear whatever we want to the rehearsal. I’m just going to wear what I’m wearing right now, Luke too, but he’s already planning for tonight. He’s utterly ridiculous.

When we get home it’s just a quick pop in so Luke can put his old SD card into his new phone and charge it up a little before we leave. I call out a hello to my parents before we go upstairs to my room and hopefully we can keep the ear piercings a secret until tonight. I don’t need them to know. I don’t need them to freak out just yet.

We manage to avoid them until we leave and I’m so thankful. Ashton picks up Luke and I on the way through to the school and he immediately comments on the ear piercings. He tells me they look ‘ punk rock as fuck ’ and I’m honestly so glad. The drive there is nice. Luke just rests into my touch and he’s all cuddly and adorable after losing it at me. He’s making up for it all.

When we get to school we meet up with Calum and Fay and it’s so odd to be back here so soon with friends, wearing non-uniform and celebrating the year’s successes after a whole lot of craziness. There are a lot of hugs and greetings between us all, which is odd to see Luke hugging everyone, but he’s in a cuddly mood at the moment.

“Hey, I’m really glad we’re all doing this together. It wouldn’t have felt right if you two were still in France,” Ashton comments and everyone nods, agreeing entirely. Everyone also compliments the ear piercings and I hate that the useless validation makes me feel so good. I think Luke’s wearing off on me a little.

Fay and Calum are all cuddly and cute like Luke and myself and it’s nice to see. Ashton’s kind of - fifth-wheeling and it’s funny. His girlfriend will be here tonight though, so there’s no point in teasing him at all. These award nights are always nice, they used to do them all together, all the years in one group, but now they’re doing them separately. The big awards are always at the end, so you get a gist based on what number you are as to how well you’re being awarded.

As we enter, we have to sign ourselves off and be given our numbers so we know roughly where we are for tonight and there aren’t any surprises at all when we’re comparing numbers. Our school has about five hundred people - it’s a relatively small school and there are only fifty five people graduating.

Seeing that Luke is number fifty five doesn’t surprise me at all. He also has a little asterisk next to his number, as does the rest of ours and it was explained to us that means that they’re special awards. I find it funny that us idiots that were struggling to merely pass this year are all getting special awards. It’s practically a miracle.

“I don’t want to be at the end of the line,” Luke mumbles to us all and he’s so upset that he’s clearly done the best amongst all of the students here. He just holds onto my hand, resting his head on my shoulder as we all stand here and he doesn’t need to be worried. He’s all good, he’s had to have known he’d be getting such awards.

“Seriously dude, you’ll be alright,” Calum says and it’s that word again that Luke hates . He needs to say something about it now and he does. He just says it right here and now and I’m so happy that he feels comfortable with being open with our friends.

“Not a dude. I use he/they pronouns, but I’m not labeling myself as male. Please don’t use male stereotypical slang when referring to me. That’s all I ask of you,” Luke explains casually and the silence is very loud. I already know about this, so I find myself just smiling lightly at Luke and he looks so glad that he said that.

“Thanks for telling us, Luke. We’ll make sure we keep that in mind, all we want is for you to be comfortable,” Ashton explains and the others just nod, agreeing entirely. Luke decides to just take the focus off of himself by asking Cal a question.

“Who dyed your hair by the way? It looks so nice,” Luke asks and Calum just blushes a little from the compliment because although Calum hates Luke most of the time, he holds Luke in a very high light. He finds compliments from Luke something rather big and I can see why. Luke’s a billionaire for god's sake.

“Fay actually did it for me. Do you really like it?” Calum asks, explaining the circumstances and I never knew Fay was into hair dyeing, but quite a few people are strangely good at it. I’ve just dyed mine so many times over that I’ve built up the talent for it. I wouldn’t say I could be a hairdresser, but I manage to dye my own hair adequately, so it works for me.

“Looks nice. Can we all sit together? I don’t want to be here if I can’t sit with you Michael,” Luke asks and he might have to bite back his anxieties surrounding school events because I’m merely number twenty two. Fay is actually number fifty four miraculously - meaning if we have to sit in order she can sit with Luke, but I know the blonde just wants to be with me.

“I’ll have a chat with someone about it, yeah? We can go and talk to Mr Tyler - I spy him over there,” I say to Luke, suggesting that and he just nods, pulling my hand to start us off in the principal's direction. He’s surprised to see us both here, but he looks happy because he knows just how difficult this year has been for us both.

“Michael and Luke, how have you two been? It’s nice to see you both here, you’re both looking grown up,” He says to us and Luke just smiles, he’s so cute and I just hold his hand and Luke explains how we’ve been - but he sugar coats it.

“We’ve been good. We went overseas, we went to France for about a week and it was a lot colder than it is here. We got back for Christmas and I’ve been living with Michael still. It’s been alright,” He explains and I know it’s been rather scary, it’s been an awful time recently, but he puts on a good false smile.

“It was my first time overseas. It was so beautiful there,” I explain and our principal just nods along happy to hear us in somewhat higher spirits about life. The last he would’ve seen of us was when Luke was in the thick of his outbursts. He’s definitely mellowed out somewhat despite today's rage, and I’m proud of how far he’s come.

“Well it’s nice to see you both here. Luke, I was wondering if you could prepare a speech, it’s no surprise that you’re our school’s top student and I would greatly appreciate if you could prepare something then run it by me. I just think it would be nice to have a student say something at the prize-giving as our head boy is unable to make it,” Mr Tyler asks and it’s a lot of pressure put on Luke right now.

“Could you not have given me more time to prepare myself? I think I can do it, I have really bad anxiety, you know that. I can try to come up with something if you really want me to,” Luke suggests and I wasn’t expecting that at all. Of course there’s a catch.
“Under two conditions and that’s that you use my birth name - Louka Herlaimont when you refer to me for these awards, and I request to sit with Michael up until the point of being called out,” Luke explains and Mr Tyler thinks it over.

“Sure - if you’ll do the speech, you can sit wherever you like. Just write something maybe two minutes long just describing the year as a whole and maybe include a little bit about yourself - things you want to share, you know? Just a professional speech, you understand,” Mr Tyler explains and Luke just nods along.

“Thank you for the opportunity Mr Tyler, I promise it will be as high quality as possible,” Luke explains and he’s going to put his whole soul into it. And he does. We run through the practice, then when we get home, Luke spends the rest of the afternoon writing. He comes downstairs for dinner - he didn’t want to be disturbed whilst writing - so when he comes downstairs I haven’t seen him in a few hours.

He won’t show me the speech and I know it’ll be an honestly phenomenal speech. Luke’s quite the literary genius, so it’ll be great and not really a surprise. Luke decides to wear something beautiful as per usual - a corduroy green suit that really suits him a lot. It contrasts his eyes and makes them really pop. He wants to wear makeup - but he doesn’t want to get judged, so he decides against it for now.

He eats dinner, he’s eaten full meals today thank goodness and dinner is quite nice really. It’s quite a pick apart dinner really, grab whatever's there - so Mum’s made a salad, cooked some really nice pork and also pasta. It works - Luke just has the salad and pasta, but it’s good enough for me.

Luke’s very clearly nervous too. He’s getting himself worked up over everything and he doesn’t have to do this speech if he really doesn’t want to, but he’s determined now. He’s quite shaky really, but he places on a smile and he’s quite good at hiding his nerves. He takes a smoke outside before we all go and he’s not smoked today, so it’s fair that he’s going for one now.

Mum and Dad drop us off so we can go in early as Mr Tyler requested us to come in so Luke could show him the speech and discuss seating for us. We go in and Mr Tyler reads over Luke’s speech, reading the whole thing over for a while as Luke watches on in anticipation, biting his lip ring as he also bites back nerves.

“You’re a prodigy Luke. Thank you for this. Maybe after my speech you can do this one, get it over and done with so you aren’t so nervous. You can stand out the back with Michael till you’re on, then you can both go to your seats that we’ve arranged in the front there. It’ll all make sense, Michael you’re the only person who’s seat has changed,” Mr Tyler explains and Luke just nods, thanking him before attempting to pull me away so we can go back outside once more.

But Mr Tyler just tells us to just stay in here. I suppose there’s no point in going outside then coming right back in. I’m just wearing a black dress shirt and black jeans and honestly my parents didn’t care much about the piercings. I’m glad that we’re both here looking nice and in some ways making people proud.

Chapter Text

Everyone starts entering at that and Mr Tyler shows us back to the whole backstage area where the school jazz band is ready to play, welcoming everyone in. Ash is the drummer of the jazz band and I've heard them quite a few times because they sometimes need me to play guitar. The band is amazing, four different saxophones, four trumpet players, two trombone players, bassist, drummer, mediocre guitarist - they sound bloody amazing. 

Ash gives us a quick wave before they go on stage and he's such a free-spirited guy, he's got no fears when it comes to performing. Luke and I watch fondly from the sidelines, the blonde just hugging me from behind the entire time and I can practically hear his heart absolutely pounding. He's nervous but he hides it well and after the jazz band has played four songs, the principle is on to do his speech. That means Luke is next and he's just focusing on his breathing right now, slowing it down as he gets in a place of just what I would call - meditated calm. 

He's managed to calm himself, his mind, his heart, his breathing and I just know he'll do a great job. There's a mic that the principal is speaking through now as he greets everyone and gives his far too long speech, but eventually it's over and he invites Louka Herlaimont to the stage. Luke quickly places a kiss on my cheek before he goes out there and he's confident. He's genuinely confident. 

I watch from the side as Luke steps into the spotlight - literally - and there is a round of applause as he just walks on. He's strangely absolutely fine with being in front of an audience right now, he smiles, he's in front of classmates that he's tormented - that have tormented him and he's confident and he looks hardly nervous. His speech begins and it's the first time I've heard it. It's really fucking good. Luke's voice doesn't so much as waver as he speaks. 

"Good evening. For those who don't know me, my name is Louka Herlaimont, I am a year thirteen student here at Norwest Christian College and I've been asked graciously by Mr Tyler to prepare a speech for you all tonight. The class of 2013 would be an awful way to describe everyone who is receiving praise for their efforts this year. 2013 isn't what has made our year group what it is, every year leading up to this year is what has led to these achievements. This year however has been one of the rockiest years yet. There have been many lows in the world as a whole, recently on the fifth of December, former South African President and human rights activist Nelson Mandela passed away after fighting chronic lung disease for some years, the Rana Plaza factory collapse which took more than 1,100 lives in Bangladesh happened in May of this year and rates of suicide in the world are at an all time high. That isn't to say that there haven't been highs too;

This year has demonstrated pharmaceutical development in medicines to benefit those living with cancer, diabetes, hepatitis c, and respiratory issues, there was also improvements in transplants performed on human beings, leading to countless lives being saved all around the globe and in my home country of France, the world's first artificial heart surgery was performed successfully and more inclusive laws were passed to include more peoples beliefs and relationships. Medical advances this year have been absolutely phenomenal and human rights bills have been passed to create higher quality of life for those in peril. 

Now why am I up here yarning on about the highs and lows of this year? Well it's because I myself also have dealt with extreme highs and lows all year long and I know others of you have as well. Anyone here who knows me knows what kind of person I am. I'm a quiet person yet I'm short tempered, I like playing music and surfing and I am extremely dedicated to achieving well in academics. My mother is a math teacher here and my father who passed away this year was the founder of a successful medical company overseas. The reason I'm telling you all these things is because I want you to all understand how much 2013 has helped others like myself grow as a people and how 2013 has shown me how to be a better person.

This year's highs are beginning to outweigh the lows due to the connections I have made to a group of my classmates. Those classmates being Ashton Irwin, Fay Marie, Calum Hood and Michael Clifford. Those four individuals, along with others outside of school have shown me just how you can find light even in the darkest of places. I've never been as grateful for people in my life as I am grateful that they're in my life. 

As I mentioned earlier, the year has had a lot of highs and lows. For myself those highs included surfing with my friends on Christmas day, moving in with my best friend full time, gaining university entrance, and spending time back in Paris, my home city. Lows obviously weren’t so great, but it’s alright to have lows. One of my childhood best friends passed away due to suicide last week, this year marked the two year anniversary of my oldest brother also having passed away and I wouldn’t class my fathers death as a suicide honestly, and I’m embarrassed to even be related to him, but being truthful with people is something I’ve also learnt is important.

Honestly the year has had many lows for myself and I’m coming to terms with the fact that lows are alright and I’m able to overcome them. I moved in with my best friend because certain family situations led to his house being a better place for me and I've learnt that getting help from others is okay. So many people go through hell time and time again silently and I just want you all to know that you’re far from alone.

Human connections with others are the most important things we need to experience to grow as people and to learn. I had a conversation with my history teacher Mrs Lynch this year about how human connections and charisma are things that can’t be taught. People with natural charisma and charm like Ashton Irwin and Calum Hood are those who will go furthest in life. Person to person skills are what get people far.

I remember telling her that Ashton will go far in teaching. I remember her agreeing with me and stating that knowledge isn’t what gets people far. It’s personality and your connections to your pairs. I wish I knew that a year ago, even five years ago or simply a few months ago. I’m glad I’ve made connections with the people I’ve made connections with and I’m extremely thankful for those people and what they’ve taught me in the short time that I’ve truly known them.

Tonight you should all celebrate your successes because you've all done so incredibly well to get to this point. You deserve to celebrate your connections to your peers and your achievements because merely making it to the end of such a roller-coaster year is absolutely an achievement in itself. Celebrate your academic achievements, your sporting achievements, your arts achievements and your achievements of growing as people this year. I know that that's what I will be celebrating most this year. Thank you all,"

Luke's speech is vulnerable, but he delivers it with great confidence and his odd British/French accent is shining. When everyone gives him a round of applause I'm just so proud of him. I'm so proud. He looks over to me, a beaming smile on his face before he walks back off stage, wrapping me in a hug and very clearly high on adrenaline. He's euphoric and proud of himself despite his heart beat pounding and he's so adorable. The speech was surprisingly perfect really. But now it's on to other awards and we've got to get back to our seats to watch the drama academy performance - aka - where Ashton's really gonna shine. 

Ashtons been raving about it to me for a while. It's a scene from the Phantom Of The Opera and our school is actually known Australia wide for their drama performances. It's kind of cool really because everyone pours their hearts and souls into performing - especially Ashton and that's what leads to great performances. Luke sits bedside me, resting his head on my shoulder and Fay is to Luke's right, telling him his speech was amazing and he just thanks her. Cal's all alone somewhere in the hall, but he enjoys these things regardless of who he sits by. He can make friends with practically anyone. 

The performance is awesome, Ashton's an amazing singer and actor so it's no surprise that he was the lead for the scene and Luke is absolutely encapsulated by Ashtons performance. When it's over he too claps along with everyone else and he leans over to tell me that he's actually really good . 

But when Awards come along - it's an extremely terrifying time for us all really. I know I'm the twenty second person called up, and so as they keep calling people up for their achievements this year, I'm counting on my fingers as to when it's my turn. Luke just has his hand on my leg, telling me I'll be fine and I should be the one telling him that he'll be fine, but Luke's calm. He's very zen at the moment and it's a good thing. Eventually my name is called and I've got to walk up on that stage to stand with the other person who was just called up. They're doing awards in groups of five then holding the applause for the end. It makes sense - but they read out the achievement as you walk onto the stage. 

"Michael Clifford receives excellence endorsement in History and Music and passed his end of year exams with University entrance," I shake the principal's hand, standing with my little certificate in front of everyone as the other three people are called out and Luke looks so damn proud of me. He's got such a proud smile on his face as he admires me on the stage and I can only imagine that my bright green hair is definitely a statement to everyone. Then everyone applauds and it's all over for now. Thank goodness. 

The others all get their awards read out too and I'm just so equally proud of everyone. Calum, Excellence in Physical Education and Sport And Exercise Science along with University Entrance, Ashton, Excellence in Drama and History along with University Entrance also, and Fay, Excellence in French and Calculus along with that same university entrance. They've all done so well, but it's Luke's achievements being read out at the end that really just leave everyone gobsmacked and these aren't even the special awards. 

"Louka Herlaimont receives Excellence in, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Calculus, Algebra, History, Historical Literature and French. He also passed the end of year exams with excellence, earning University entrance," They explain and he's the last person so they give a round of applause. After that it's on to the special awards and these always take a while because they say something about everyone receiving award. Except it's usually short for our year group because Luke gets half of the awards himself. They go through all of the smaller award first, most improved, all that shit before they go onto the big awards. I want to puke when I'm first called up. 

"Michael Clifford receives the trophy for top musician of the year, along with the Matt Green award for most promising musician. Michael has shown his musical ability all year in class to be that of an incredibly high standard on his primary instrument, the guitar, along with solo assessments also performed on the piano at an equally high level. This definitely shows that Michael is a worthy recipient of these awards and we can't wait to see where his music talent takes him in the future. Congratulations Michael," It's a lot really since there are many people far better than myself, but there's a round of applause when it's all over and I return to my seat with the small trophy and another certificate. 

"I told you you're an amazing guitarist Michael. Congratulations, I'm really proud of you lovely," Luke whispers when I take my seat beside him again and he's too nice. I just rest my head on his shoulder, hiding my smile because it's all so ridiculous. It's just an award for three seconds of fame. I'm surprised that Cal is the next person called up. 

"Calum Hood receives the Jamie Emmerson trophy for outstanding performance in Physical Education this year. Throughout his time in high school, Calum has shown a brilliant talent when it comes to football. He received an opportunity earlier in the year to spend time in Brazil, representing Australia in an under eighteens team for six weeks. Due to great performance in that program, Calum received a university scholarship for Canberra's Australian National University to study Health Sciences. Congratulations Calum, greatly deserved," Is read out as Calum receives his awards and I'm so damn proud of him. Its nice to see his efforts celebrated. Ashton is awarded next. 

"Ashton Irwin is awarded the Kate Parker trophy for outstanding performance in Drama classes this year. Ashton is also awarded a scholarship to Victoria University's Musical Theatre program which we're very happy to be awarding him. Ashton Irwin is also one of this years scholars. Congratulations," I'm so excited for Ashton. I know he's in a difficult financial position, so this scholarship is going to be a great help to get him to university. I'm so proud of him too. He's worked his ass off for this, so he deserves it more than anyone else. 

"Fay Marie is awarded the Marianne Rose trophy for top French student this year. Fay who is a student who moved here from Canada in September has proven herself to be one of Norwest's brightest students in her time here with us. As French was her second language in Canada, it was only a given that she’d perform well in the class here also. Whilst also excelling in Math and Art, Fay deserves the James Robert award for school commitments and outstanding classroom participation. Fay Marie is also one of this year's scholars. Congratulations,” And damn, I didn’t realize she was such a scholar. Luke’s the last person to be awarded.

“Louka Herlaimont is awarded many awards tonight so I’ll just read them all out quickly for you all. Louka is awarded the Elijah Brooke literary trophy for the highest results in the subject this year, the Charlotte McKinlay science trophy for the highest results in the subject this year, the Mark Williams math trophy for the highest results in the subject this year and the Kieran Jackson social sciences trophy for the highest results in that subject this year as well. Louka, who some of you may know is a French citizen that moved to Australia when he was eight years old who had to learn English as his third language in his early years at Norwest has always been Norwest's top academic student. In his end of year exams, Louka received all perfect results which is the first time anyone has ever achieved that in Australian secondary school history. As Louka described in his speech earlier, not only did Luke manage this feat, but he managed to achieve this in the same week that his father passed away. These achievements explain Louka’s scholarships and requests to join many different top universities, such as Harvard, Oxford, Cambridge, and the University of Zurich. Louka also is awarded the schools overall excellence award. These awards are greatly deserved,” The principal awards Luke’s awards and I don’t think I’ve ever been so proud of Luke for his academic achievements.

The round of applause is long and Luke can’t really take all of his trophies, so he’s allowed to leave them there. For now. He got more than what was read out and as he shakes the principals hand the principal whispers something to him that just makes him laugh a little. It’s as everyone is clapping so I have no idea what was said, but eventually Luke makes his way back to me and he did it. I’m so proud of him. I just know that he’s proud of himself.

“Smarty pants,” Is all I say to him when he sits down with me and he just hits my arm lightly. I love him so much, he’s so cute, he’s so clever and beautiful and perfect that I don’t understand it. I’m so lucky to call him my partner. The award ceremony ends after what feels like forever and we've officially graduated and everyone can stand up and congratulate each other. Luke, Fay and I decide to go over to Calum and Luke because we all deserve to celebrate. It’s odd and crazy to me that our little group snatched up all of the big awards.

“I’m so fucking proud of you guys,” I say as I approach the other boys and they just have bright smiles on their faces as they both wrap me in a hug. It’s nice, it’s natural - Ashton, Calum and Michael, but Luke and Fay also join the group hug and it feels complete. It’s so right feeling and that proves everything I ever thought.

“Says you guys, I didn’t know you were asked to go to Harvard Luke. I’m so proud of you Fay” Calum comments, kissing Fay when the group hug disbands and they’re so cute. Luke just shrugs about the whole thing and he never told me either. He already knew that he’s been offered these things, but he never makes a massive deal about it all.

“Yeah, have you chosen where you’re going to study?” Fay asks and Luke really hasn’t chosen. He needs to choose sooner rather than later, but he really has no clue at all. He’ll always be wanted by Universities globally due to his brains, but then again, only one place will get him so there’s almost a competition for who exactly gets him to study at their Uni.

“I don’t know. I’m debating between somewhere here, France, England or Switzerland. I don’t really want to go to America for College. I don’t even know what I’m going to study,” Luke explains to us and he’s ridiculous. He’s a spontaneous person, he chooses what he’s doing about three seconds before he does it - it’s no surprise that Uni plans are similar.

“Might want to figure it out soon Luke. Hey Ash, is your girlfriend here?” Calum asks and Ashton just turns around and points out his girlfriend who’s sitting - chatting to Ashtons Mum who’s also here with his younger siblings. KayKay notices all of our eyes on her and Ashton beckons her over and she just looks so proud of us all - she’s rather smiley.

“You guys all did so well - I wish my high school did things like this,” She says, wrapping Ashton in a hug and they’re so cute too. Calum's family is here, both of his parents and his sister. My parents are here too, and I just know that although Luke wants nothing to do with his mother, he’s upset that she’s not here to see just how well Luke has achieved this year.

His brother is here. Luke doesn’t know that, but Jack’s been standing ominously in the back of the room the entire time, tearing up at Luke’s speech and also tearing at Luke’s awards. He’s a very proud brother. Luke can’t see about a foot in front of him because he’s not wearing contacts or glasses. He’s back to his blind self so even if I pointed Jack out, he wouldn’t be able to make out that it’s him from here.

“So you lot are the brainy ones huh?” I’m glad Ashton’s family comes over to say hello to us all. The room is so loud, everyone’s having their own conversations with their families, but our group is all together as per usual. We’re like family now anyway, so us being together is practically just predictable.

“Mum, you know Mike, Cal and KayKay, but you haven't met the blondies. This is Fay, Calum’s girlfriend and Luke, Michaels partner. Luke and Fay, this is my mother and my little siblings, Lauren and Harry,” Ashton explains and it was nice of him to have introduced everyone to everyone.

“I meant what I said about your son ma’am. Ashton is the most charismatic, friendly and loving person I think I’ve ever met. Thank you for raising such a lovely person,” Luke shakes her hand, professionally calling her ma’am and it’s so cute. She’s not surprised that he’s this posh, Ashton has clearly told her a lot about Luke.

“Nice to meet you, Ashton talks a lot about you both. You all did very well this year, you must make your mothers very proud,” She says, dodging saying parents and it’s thoughtful. Fay doesn’t even react at all to that - the fact that both of her parents have died staying something she’s not going to even mention. She never knew her parents so it doesn’t affect her as much as it affects someone like Luke.

“Anne-Marie, it’s nice to see you and your young ones. You all did so well this year, you should be very proud of yourselves,” Calum's parents and sister also come over and out group has now grown to technically eleven people in this conversation.

“Oh Dad, these are my friends, Michael, Ashton, KayKay, Luke and my girlfriend Fay. I don’t know if you’ve met any of them or not,” Calum introduces us all to his Dad and because his parents are divorced, I’ve never actually met him. He spends every second weekend at his Dad’s, otherwise he doesn’t really see his Dad. I’m the only one in my friend group who’s got a very present father in my life.

“It’s nice to meet you all. Calum talks about you all constantly when I’m with him,” He smiles and he’s quite a smiley guy. I know that there’s no bad blood between Calum's parents, their marriage simply didn’t work - unlike Ashton’s parents - his father left when he was very young and he’s never had a conversation with the man. The only father figure in Ashtons life is his step-dad - his siblings' father.

“Hey Luke, wanna come with me, I think someone wants to chat to you,” I whisper to Luke and he immediately looks confused but nods because he wants to come with. I’m going to take him to his brother who’s in the back of the room, just watching on and being very respectful since Mali is here. I know the only reason he isn’t approaching us now is because of the Hood family standing right there.

I drag him over to his brother and the older Hemmings just wraps Luke in a massive hug, this whole thing clearly meaning a lot to Luke. Luke just hugs Jack as tightly, burying his face in Jack's shoulder, tears immediately welling in his eyes and he’s just so overwhelmed with emotion today.

“Don’t cry mate, too posh to cry,” Jack laughs, smoothing out Luke’s suit and wiping away Luke’s tears. Luke just laughs too, holding back his tears and he’s so emotional today. He just looks at his brother, his eyes locked on Jacks and he’s so in awe of the fact that Jack’s actually here.

“I hate that you saw that stupid speech. I didn’t know what to say - it was just so dumb,” Luke laughs out, tears still threatening to spill over and he’s really going through it right now. Jack just laughs at Luke’s emotional state right now, wrapping him in another hug and just wiping away his tears again.

“The speech was really good. It made me cry. Sometimes I forget how talented my little brother is,” Jack says and Luke just punches his arm lightly telling him that he’s not that great. Luke doesn’t mention anything about pronoun preferences to his brother, he mustn’t mind too much that Jack said brother when I know Luke would rather be referred to as Jack’s sibling .

“I didn’t mean to make you cry. Thank you so much for coming, I love you,” Luke says and it’s so nice to see their bond. I know that Jack wants to see Mali, Mali wants to see Jack too and I was thinking - with everyone’s permission - maybe we could make it work.

“Do you want me to talk to Calum’s family and see if Mali wants to chat with you Jack?” I ask the other Hemmings and he looks immediately shocked. As does Luke and I don’t know what kind of reaction I’m going to get from both sides when I ask, but I definitely wasn’t expecting what Jack says.

“We’ve been talking. We’ve been privately sorting through things and I think we both just want to be friends. She went through a lot of stuff, as did I but we’ve talked about some things,” He explains and oh . We didn’t know about that, but then again, it’s because they wanted to keep it private and for good reason.

“Oh, I’m glad you’ve talked things out,” I say and he just nods. I look back to Mali and she’s looking at us. She looks content, she looks like the grey clouds that have covered her skies for quite a while have cleared. She’s happy, she’s celebrating her brother’s school successes and she’s happy. It’s nice to see.

“Me too. Alright, enough about me, let’s talk about you. How have you both been?” Jack asks and he’s being so nice. It’s nice to see how much the two Hemmings have grown since I really got to know them. It’s amazing really.

“I’ve been better, I’ve been far worse. This detoxing thing is so difficult, but I’m getting through it all. I’ve been taking my meds wrong apparently this whole time - that’s why I’m still always thinking about offing myself, but I’m putting weight back on and I’m more content with life at the moment. How’ve you been with everything? Has Mum tried to call?” Luke explains and what Jack explains next doesn’t surprise me.

“I’m so proud of you for getting better, Luke. Mum tried to call me, she was extremely drunk and probably also high and I don’t know. I hung up on her, blocked her number too because I’m sick of everything she’s put you through. Mum and Dad were so awful to us,” Jack says and Luke just nods, agreeing entirely.

“I’m so glad I have you. I just wish we had Ben too. We don’t need Mum and Dad, they’re abusive and manipulative and just horrible - god I think my English knowledge is dwindling,” Luke explains and Jack just nods along. I’m just holding Luke’s hand, really I’m holding his arm and his suit is just so handsome.

“I think so too Luke if we’re being brutally honest. This is what you get for going back to France and immersing yourself in all of that again. It’ll come back to you, your French is better than mine is anyhow,” Jack says and I agree somewhat. Luke’s been making slip ups, his accent is thicker now that it’s ever been, but I like it. Luke likes being perfect, and at the moment, the fact he’s foreign isn’t difficult to point out.

I’m glad my parents approach me as we’re all talking because it gives them an excuse to meet Jack finally after all this time. They immediately do a double take at just how similar Jack looks to Luke and Luke also looks glad that my parents are meeting his brother. My family is his family and he wants Jack to meet them.

“Jack, this is Michaels parents, they’re the best people ever, seriously. This is my older brother Jack,” Luke explains to my parents and to his brother, Jack shaking my parents hands similarly professionally and both blondes look so happy right now. Jack is happy that Luke’s in a happy family, and my parents are happy to be meeting Jack. Luke’s just happy.

“It’s nice to meet you, thank you for giving Luke a family that he deserves more than anything. It means a lot to me and I know it means a lot to Louka too,” Jack says and he really is thankful. My parents are the shortest people out of all five of us here right now, and it’s really funny to be honest.

“No need to thank us, we’re just happy to help, yeah? Are you living alone at the moment? You don’t look any older than Luke,” My mother asks and Jack’s a little older than Ashton really. We’re both eighteen, but Jack turns nineteen at the start of the year and I’m nineteen at the end of the year.

“Yes, I’m just in my family home alone at the moment. I’m a year older than Louka, I’m turning nineteen next year. I’m fine home alone, I promise,” He explains and I know my parents will worry about him, it’s a parental thing, but I know that Jack truly is good at home alone. Probably better alone than if his mother was with him.

“If you ever want to pop round to our place you’re welcome to. Someone’s almost always there, especially because Daryl and I have a few weeks holiday now off of work. It would be nice to have you over,” My mother explains and Jack is thankful for the offer.

“Thank you, I’ll make sure to pop around some time. You’re both very kind people. You should go back to celebrating yourselves, you both did amazingly this year, Michael and Lu,” Jack says and he just wraps Luke in another hug, taking his certificate to take it to his family home, mentioning something in French that just makes Luke laugh, but his eyes light up. Whatever it is was clearly private, but no one really mentions it.

“What was that about?” I laugh out as we walk away and Luke just explains the whole thing to me somewhat as we walk back over with my parents to my friends - my parents are definitely going to talk to my mates parents.

"Jack wants to get a dog so he's less lonely at home. Like a little French bulldog or something. I want a dog," Luke says and he sounds like a toddler whining about wanting a dog. He's so cute. On the way to out friends we're stopped by a teacher - Luke's biology teacher - and Luke just smiles lightly in greeting. 

"Luke. I just wanted to congratulate you on your achievements, especially the perfect score you received in biology. I feel as though you'll go far in medicine like your father," Luke starts off smiling, but when she mentions Luke's Dad, the blonde's smile immediately fades into somewhat of a frown. I wish people could realize just how terrible Luke's father was. 

"Thank you, if you'll excuse me I need some air. Nice to see you," Luke explains and he's flustered and disconnects our hands. He makes his way toward the exit of the building and I have to follow him. I give my parents my awards and I keep my distance from Luke but I keep an eye on him. He exits the hall and I follow, watching as he dodges people who want to chat to him and congratulate him. He's making his way toward the field but it's raining and dark outside. It never rains in Sydney unless Luke is here. It never used to rain, but the weather has been so weird for summer in Australia. Luke's not bothered by the rain, nor am I. So I just follow him, keeping enough distance so he doesn't see or here me but I know that he knows I'm here. 

He gets to the middle of the cold, wet field and he just collapses in a ball of just sobs. He's sobbing, he's curling in on himself and he's pulling at his hair as if his life depended on it. He starts scratching his arms again, he's scratching his scars, his past self harm and he's hurting himself all over again. The sounds of his sobs mixed with the rain makes my heart hurt. It's so unfair. 

"Luke, hey, calm down baby, I don't want you hurting yourself. Shh, talk to me," Is all I can really say, sitting beside him, holding his hands as he just sobs into my chest. I move a hand to just run through his hair and to hold him closer to me. It's just so heartbreaking to me. He's been doing so well. 

"I don't - I can't do this anymore. I can't lie to people and just - shit - I can't - I don't want to anymore," Luke speaks between sobs and I just hold him. I just keep stroking his hair and shushing him as his sobs keep wracking his body. He's hurting himself. He needs to catch his breath. He needs to stop trying to attack his own arms. He needs to stop for a minute and think. His words are hardly coherent and I'm just glad we're alone. 

"Shh love. What's wrong? Tell me what you can't do anymore and we'll figure it all out," I say, speaking softly, calmly, just trying to get Luke to match my plastered demeanor. He's struggling, but he manages to tame his sobs as the rain just saturates us. 

"I can't stand up there and give the seniors of our school a pep talk like that as if I'm not an alcoholic-drug addict. I just lied to every person in that room and I got applauded for it. I'm so sorry - I can't get clean, I just can't. My mind won't shut the fuck up and I need a drink or something to just forget about my problems for a few hours. I'm trying so hard," Luke explains and I won't let him do that. I won't let him get drunk or high. 

"We can go home and rest baby. A little rest, some sleep to clear your head?" I suggest and he just sniffles, nodding a little, agreeing to just leaving, to just going home. So I text my parents telling them to meet us at the car and Luke and I are saturated. Luke's embarrassed more than anything else, but my family knows what he's going through. 

When we get home after saturating the back seats, Luke sobs himself after getting changed. He's so exhausted so he falls asleep quickly and I do too with the blonde pressed up against me. But when I wake in the morning - Luke isn't beside me. I assume he's downstairs seeing as I won't up late. Surely he's just in the spare room or the backyard or the living room. But as I check those places I come to find that Luke is nowhere to be seen. I think my heart is skipping every second beat. I feel like I can't breathe. I call Luke and he doesn't pick up. Fuck. 

"Mum? Have you seen Luke?" I ask my mother who's in the living room and she just shakes her head, confused for a second before realizing what this probably means. Luke's not here. That means he could be absolutely anywhere else in the world and it's terrifying. He's struggling, he's been struggling. He might be doing something stupid. 

"Shit - you've tried calling him? Okay I'll call the hospital just to make sure he's not there, then we'll go out and try to find him," My mother explains and I just nod because my mind feels detached from my body. I feel scared and numb and worried for Luke. I don't know what to do to help him. But Mum rings the hospital and no one matching Luke's description is there. As we're about to leave the house my phone rings and I pick up immediately because Luke's ID pops up. 

"Luke, oh my god where are you? Are you okay?" I ask quickly before he can say anything and a long silence is all I hear over the line for a while. Then there are a few sniffles before he speaks. I'm just glad to hear his voice. His words not so much. 

"I'm sorry. I need you to get me. I don't want to be here," He sounds wrecked. Both in the sense that he's so upset and tired, but also in the sense that the slur of his words gives away the fact he's both drunk and high. I can tell, it's not difficult. I just sigh, trying to think of what exactly to say or ask. 

"Where abouts are you? I'll come and get you if you tell me where you are and what you've taken," I ask the blonde, putting him on speaker phone so both of my parents can listen in on what's going on. 

"Please don't be upset. I did Heroin and I can't feel my body. I'm - I can't see straight and I'm drunk," Luke mumbles out and goddammit . Where has he been to do such an illegal drug? Where the hell is he, drunk at nine thirty in the morning? He's ruining himself and I'm starting to think that I can't help him. My parents look scared. 

"How did you take the Heroin Luke? When did you take it and how do you feel?" I ask him, trying to just think of what my parents would ask right now and they both look glad that I've asked this. I can't hear any noise in the background of wherever Luke is, unlike the last time he phoned me high in France, but I don't know if that's better or worse. 

"In my arm. I feel ill - I can't feel myself but everyone's floating. Woah - it's so fucking spinny. Two minutes ago maybe? I don't want you to be mad. I just want to - I think I did too much I feel spinny," Luke explains and he's quite coherent. That's surprising. My parents tell me to take my car and be safe. They would come with me but they know its not a good idea. They know that I know what I'm doing. 

"Where are you baby? I'm coming to get you. Tell me where you are and I can do that," I say, trying to get him to answer me and I just hear him grumble, he whimpers and moves a little because I can hear the sound of the phone being moved around. 

"I think I'm gonna die. I can't feel anything and I can't think. I'm at a hotel. Greenwood Hotel in Norwest, room 78. Mikey, I'm scared. I don't wanna die," Luke mumbles out and he starts to clearly throw up. I don't know what to do. I'm scared, hell I have every right to be scared. Luke left some time in the middle of the night to get high. He's so addicted, he lasted merely over a whole day. He's so far gone. 

"You're not going to die Luke. I'll be there soon, okay? Who gave you the Heroin? Why didn't you talk to me?" I ask him and he just starts sobbing because he's high and emotional right now. I don't think he's going to die, Heroin overdoses happen quickly to my knowledge and Luke's rather intelligible. He's going to be fine. 

"I'm so fucking hammered Michael. I really like this drink - what's it - blood orange gin? That's so fucking cool right? I'm fucking drunk Michael, it's like a fucking party but I'm all alone in a shitty motel room. A dealer I know gave me it, I paid good money too and so far it's not been worth it. Just feel icky," Luke's all mumbly and zero class as he talks and I'm just trying not to crash in these rainy conditions. The motel isn't far from my place, a few minutes in the car, so eventually I pull up at the shitty motel and thank god its one of those places with outward facing rooms because I immediately run to seventy eight, Luke still on call as I pound on the door. 

"Please open the door Luke. Just stand up and open the door for me please," I find myself pleading and I can hear the knocking on the door over the phone as well. Luke just whimpers a little and I hear him get up from wherever he was, eventually the door in front of me unlocking and I'm just glad to see Luke fucking alive. He practically collapses into my arms and he's a total wreck. I take him back into his room before taking a look around. 

The room is a mess. He's been here a matter of hours and it smells freshly like alcohol and weed. I know that Luke didn't just do what he said he did and I'm alright with lies whilst he's high, but when he comes down I need the truth. I can't stand to lose this boy, but I feel like I'm already losing him to something completely different.

"Luke, I'm going to get you help, okay? No more dodging help, you're going to be okay. I hate seeing you like this - it's so scary," I speak as I hold him in my arms, a hand in his hair as he just rests his head against my chest. 

"I'm sorry. I keep lying to you. It's not fucking Heroin," Luke's all mumbly as he speaks and what does he mean it's not Heroin? If it isn't Heroin then what the fuck is it. I look around the room again, looking over to the table in the room and there's a spoon, his zippo lighter, a belt and a needle - like an injection needle.

“Hey, shh don’t cry. If it’s not Heroin Luke, then what is it?” I ask him, petting his hair as he sobs lightly. He knows that this is the biggest set back imaginable. He knows that he’s hurt himself and me beyond words with this one. He’s not okay. If Jack could manage to detox better than Luke, then what did he do differently? And how do I help Luke like that?

“I’ve never done it before. I’m not - I haven’t done it yet. I called because I wanted to know how mad you would be. I’ve just been drinking and weed and I can’t feel my arms and legs. It’s meth but I didn’t touch it,” Luke’s just sobbing and this explains his coherency. He’s wasted and high as a kite, but he hasn’t touched the hard drugs yet and I’m practically beyond thankful.

“I would be so mad. I’d have been so mad Luke,” I say to him, hopefully to scare him into never doing this again and so far I think it’s working. He apologizes about a million times and I just hold him here, letting him sob into my arms. He’s an absolute mess and I hate it, but he can work through this. Surely.

“I’m sorry, I feel so sick, I’m sorry,” Luke apologizes and he proceeds to tell me that he’s going to throw up. He’s really sick, he’s had far too much to drink and he needs to get it out of his system. There’s a bottle of orange-ish gin on the same table as the drugs and it’s three quarters empty. That’s far too much alcohol.

“Jesus Luke, are you trying to drink yourself to death?” I ask the blonde, as I help walk him to the bathroom and I don't know how he managed to open the door for me cause he's that wasted. He proceeds to vomit into the toilet, most of yesterday's food and orange liquid coming up. He's probably got alcohol poisoning but it wouldn't be the first time and he seems alright enough to not have to go to the hospital immediately. 

"Don't use the lord's name in vain, bastard," Luke mumbles out and that proves my point entirely. He's absolutely wasted because he couldn't give a shit whether or not someone used the lord's name in vain . He and I do it all the time despite my parents distaste toward the expression. He's just drunk and doesn't know what he's saying. 

"We should get you back to my house mate. Either you come with me right now or I'll call my parents or your brother to drag you out of this place. Where's your wallet, give it to me," I ask him and he just manages to get his wallet out of his pocket. He has cash - thank goodness, and at that I help get Luke from here to the car before I grab his drugs and alcohol. We don't need anyone arresting him just now. I go to the check-in room of the motel with Lukes money and I grab out a few hundred dollar bills, just knowing that Luke can handle missing some of his money. 

No one's in here but it's open and I manage to find a bit of paper and a pen. Just write a note for the owner - 'room 78, apologies but I had to go, hopefully this compensates' - and I leave five hundred dollars on the note along with the key. Now that that's done I can take Luke home. He's just in the car sobbing. He's not in a good way at all. He's mad at himself and I'm just upset. I'm upset that he didn't talk to me before he went off and did this. 

The drive home is spent in painful silence. He doesn't speak. He just sobs, and I'm on the verge of tears myself. When we get back to my house my parents were clearly waiting by the front door because they come out of the house, very worried looks on their faces. I just get out of the car and have to go around to Luke’s side to get him out. He’s so intoxicated that it’s not even funny.

I practically pull him out of the car after undoing his seatbelt, keeping him upright since he can’t do it himself. My parents are upset with themselves. I can see it in their eyes that they blame themselves for a lot of this. As if they should be blaming themselves. None of this is their fault at all.

My Dad helps get Luke inside and once we’re all finally here everything feels okay for a second. My Dad helps Luke to the couch and the blonde just curls up, holding his stomach because he’s clearly in some kind of pain and I’m starting to think that it serves him right. He can’t keep doing this to himself. I can’t keep doing this to myself .

“What has he taken?” My mother asks as we all just stand here, observing the blonde in his intoxicated state. He’s an absolute mess, he’s got dark circles under his eyes, he’s got tears on his cheeks and his eye whites are tinted red from the weed. His pupils are wild, he’s half awake and he’s practically killing himself.

“Just really drunk on gin and I think he’s been smoking weed. He lied about the Heroin - he was going to do meth but he didn’t want me to be mad. That’s why he called. I don’t think he did any,” I say to them and my mothers breath just hitches a little. It’s a lot to take in. Luke’s never done meth, that I’m sure of, but he almost broke a promise to himself today.

“I just want to ask you Michael - I’m not upset because you’re an adult and can do whatever you want, but have you ever taken any of what Luke takes?” My mother then asks and I can either be honest and transparent with my parents, or I can lie just to protect myself a little more. Then again I can’t go around preaching honesty to Luke then lie myself - can I? I have to tell the truth.

“I’ve uh - well I’ve told you before that I’ve smoked weed with Luke and did ecstasy at that dumb party but I’ve also done cocaine twice in France. One time I did it because I wanted to, the other time I was forced to,” I explain and my mother just tears up.

“Did Luke force you to?” She asks, her voice breaking and I can just tell she’s wondering where on earth she ever went wrong. It was never her fault, nor would Luke ever push any of this on anyone so I just shake my head. I explain the circumstances to them and they both look so upset that I never told them - but they also seem to understand entirely.

“Luke would never force anyone to do anything. He’s a good kid, he’s just so lost in himself. He’s the richest person on the planet and he’s beyond depressed, of course he’s gonna turn to drugs and alcohol,” I point out to them and they both just nod. They know that I know more about this whole thing than they do. They know that I’m trying my absolute best to help Luke.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Luke sobs out on the couch and I hate seeing him cry like this. He’s an absolute mess, he looks disheveled and I hardly recognize my fiancé some days. Do I want to get married into this madness? Of course I want to marry Louka, but not this version of him. I want to marry a happy and healthy Luke.

“I know you are, we know you’re sorry. Please don’t ever do this again. Talk to any of us instead, we’re here for you,” I say to him and he’s just sobbing. I sit down beside him, combing my fingers through his curly, knotted hair and he’s got to see what he’s doing to himself. He’s absolutely ruining himself.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do this, it’s just I’m so sad. I just wanted to feel something again and I can’t feel anything,” Luke mumbles out in between sobs and I just shush him as I continue to pet his hair. He’s just a kid. I keep reminding myself of this every day. He’s a minor, he’s a kid, he’s going to grow up and learn.

“Shh, you’re alright. You’ll be okay. Jamie will help you get better, your meds will help you get better. You’ll be alright. We’re helping you too Luke,” I say to him and he just nods as he sobs. He’s quite a coherent drunk really, he just slurs his words a little and trips over them, correcting himself, but he’s not insane and talking about random shit. He slows down when he’s drunk. His mind speeds up when he’s high.

“Everything in life is moving too quick, I just wanted it to slow down for a while. I don’t want to go to university. There’s so much pressure on me to be better than my Dad but I can’t do it. I can’t just - I can’t think straight,” Luke mumbles out and I don’t blame him for not being able to think straight. He downed more gin than I think anyone our age ever has.

“You’ll be okay baby. No one’s holding you up to your fathers standard. All we want is for you to be a better person than your parents. You don’t need to be so hard on yourself. Take your meds and your world will slow down a little. Stop drinking, you’re making yourself ill,” I tell him and he’s just sobbing again.

“I don’t want my Mum to hurt me anymore. I want me and Jack and me to be safe from her. I wanna be away from her because she hurt me so much. She’s hurt me so much,” Luke slurs out and his words are messy and sentences grammatically incorrect, but that’s the least of my worries right now. I still don’t understand how he held his mother in such a high light while his father was alive, but now immediately calls out all of her wrongs. He hides his past trauma well.

“She can’t hurt you anymore, she’s on the other side of the world and she’s not got custody of you Luke. She isn’t your legal guardian anymore so you can set up a restraining order if you want, or anything,” My mother pitches in and it’s not a bad idea. If my family and Luke file a restraining order against Luke’s mother then she can’t get into contact with us without potential jail time.

“She wishes I wasn’t born. She said all I’ve ever been is a hindrance to her. She would hurt me and hurt Jack after Ben died because the only kid she wanted died. She didn’t want more kids with my Dad, she just he made her and she hates us for it. I don’t want her to hurt me anymore,” Luke’s still sobbing as he mumbles his words and he’s just so far gone but still so emotional and here enough to be having this conversation.

“She can’t hurt you anymore Luke. We won’t let her hurt you. We can go to the district court and we can file a restraining order for you and for Jack. Does that sound like something you want to do?” My mother asks Luke and the blonde just nods.

“My Dad also restraining him. I hate him,” Luke mumbles and he must be quite far gone because he’s speaking about his Dad as if the man were still alive. My Mum however just tells Luke that we can do that too and he just thanks her. He’s just a mumbly mess now so I just shush him and let him sleep. He really looks like he needs the rest. He also needs to sleep this all off.

“Before you both say anything - I need to go to a therapist. Not right now, but in the next week or two I need to find someone to talk to because my mental health is at an all time low,” I quickly blurt out before they can say anything about this situation and they both look upset with themselves. They don’t need to be - they’ve been the best parents I could ask for. None of this is their fault.

“Mikey, I’m so sorry that we haven’t been here for you enough over the past while. You’re working so hard to help Luke and it’s something so beautiful. You’re wearing yourself out. Luke’s a difficult one, we’ll help you find someone, we’ll pay for it too,” My father says and I can’t possibly ask for them to do that. I’ll find a way to pay for it, Luke will probably offer and I feel better to be taking his money rather than my parents money. Luke won't miss it.

“No, I can’t ask you guys for that. It’s alright. I think Luke and I might move out together soon as well for Uni. I need my own space which sounds awful but I’m legally an adult now and I don’t want to burden you with this Hemmings shit anymore,” I say to them and it’s a big thing to casually just blurt out to them but Luke and I talked about it at lunch yesterday. Luke wants to have his own space with me. He wants a house, or an apartment somewhere in Sydney with me.

“Oh, okay - yeah. I think it’ll be good for the both of you. It’ll teach you how to be more independent. I think you’ll get this under control with Luke. I really do think he’s getting better overall. Relapse is a part of recovery and he’s done exactly that and he seems more miserable. Maybe this will snap him back into desire to get clean,” My mother says and I’m just so glad she’s on board with the idea of moving out.

“I think so too. He’s been better recently. He really has been, this is just a little slip up,” I say and they both nod, more so convincing themselves and I’m just glad that they don’t hate Luke for this. I don’t hate him, I’m just disappointed. No - I’m not disappointed, I’m just upset. I’m upset that it’s come to this.

Luke wakes up about an hour and a half later and he’s absolutely off the rails. He’s still drunk - nowhere near as wasted as he was before, but about the same level of drunk he was when he came to school wine drunk. It’s the same careless - party attitude as that day and I like seeing him happy, but I don’t like the circumstances.

“Party - Mikey lets party and have fun. Woah the room’s spinning wow,” Luke says when he gets up, almost falling over in his intoxicated state and I just pull him back down to sit on the couch. He’s wasted, quite completely and utterly so and I just hold him, hugging him so he doesn’t stand back up again. I know that he’s a sloppy, cursing, giggly drunk and I don’t want to deal with that right now. I’m quite tired to be brutally honest.

"Luke, please for the love of god - I'm going to make you breakfast, you're going to take your meds and then you're going to sleep the rest of this off," I say to him and he just frowns before agreeing with me. He's not going to argue with me right now, he knows I'm not taking his crap and so he's not going to test me. 

“I’m so hungry, oh my god. What the hell did I drink, the room is rocking - it’s like I’m on a goddamn boat,” Luke asks, giggling at the end of his sentence and he doesn’t even remember. Great. He's been going absolutely too far recently and I just want to get some food into him while he’s not against it and while I’m sure he won't throw up.

“Gin, something like orange flavored gin just on its own. You had far too much and I’m never letting you do that again. Do you want toast or cereal? My Mum got some Almond milk for you,” I point out as I walk off to the kitchen, still calling out to him as I speak. He just hums about it for a long while before he finally settles on cereal. He eventually agrees to cornflakes and I just pour some into a bowl for him, using the almond milk and telling him to come to the dining room.

He practically drips the almond milk all down his shirt as he eats because he’s a little shaky and drunk, so I make a note to get him changed out of these clothes after he’s eaten. He’s just wearing jeans and one of my graphic tees. He’s such an idiot. He likes the cereal, he’s laughing and joking around and he’s made a right mess, moments like these making me wonder whether or not he’s secretly just a toddler.

“This is like really nice. I like it,” Luke says when he’s eating his last bite and I’m glad he liked the meal and ate the whole thing.
“There are so many foods I’m so scared to eat. Thank you for protecting me from them like a prince charming,” Luke says and I just roll my eyes as I take his bowl, not letting him see the emotion and he’s absolutely out of it.

“What foods are you scared to eat? Lemme write them down,” I ask Luke, grabbing out my phone to make a list so that I can ask him about it later. He’s so drunk right now that he doesn’t even question it, so I just sit with him as he lists off a few things.

“Chocolate, cake, what’re they called - crisps? Lots of things with lots of sugar or grease,” Luke explains and - oh. This is to do with his eating disorder. It’s not that he doesn’t like those things, it’s that he’s scared of eating them and putting on weight. We have to work through this, get Luke to eat his fear-foods to get over the fear.

“Okay, thank you for telling me. Want to get some rest babe? You’re looking quite exhausted and half awake already,” I ask the blonde and he just nods a little, wanting some rest because he clearly got none last night. He only got that hour and a half earlier and he needs more than that to function as a human being.

“I love you,” He says when I lay with him in the spare bedroom before he drifts off to sleep again and he’s seriously going to be the death of me. He sleeps in half hour time slots really, he sleeps for thirty minutes, then he’s awake again, then asleep for thirty then awake and by three in the afternoon he’s spent at least four hours asleep and I’m just glad he’s managed some rest and also managed to sober up in the meantime.

We make our way back out to the lounge when he’s properly woken up a bit more and I’m just glad he’s no longer drunk off his ass. He wants to talk to my parents about things and I just know they want to listen and figure this all out a bit more. Luke starts when he’s ready and everyone is here to support him.

“I want to apologize first and foremost. None of you should have needed to deal with me when I was like that and I feel extremely sorry for ever doing that to you all. I also just want to tell you guys why I did what I did. I got a call from my mother last night at like one in the morning on my new phone and she said a whole lot of nasty things and I was already in an awful state of a mood swing, so it all just fell apart really quickly. She’s been leaving voicemails while my phone was broken, I can play them for you if you want?” Luke asks and I think we all nod because we just want clarity and we want to understand.

He grabs his phone out of his pocket, finding the voicemails and he shows us that there’s four of them from his mother, each of them about a minute or so long. He clicks on the first one and puts it on speaker so we can all hear. To say it’s bad would be an understatement and it’s only the first one.

“Louka for fucks sake answer my calls! You’re a pathetic piece of shit son, I don’t understand how you could ever live with yourself knowing just how awful you are! You have ruined my entire fucking life, you’ve ruined Jack’s life - you’re the reason Ben and your father died! It should have been you, you ungrateful bastard of a child. Fucking call me back or I’ll send someone over to Sydney to bring you back against your will,” And it ends there. I’ve never heard Mrs Hemmings so angry and Luke just tears up listening to it again. No one says anything because Luke just lets the next one play.

“I’m sorry. I’m an awful mother but I can change! I can be a better Mum, I can give you the love you deserve Louka. Just come back to me please baby. I miss you, I miss Jack and I miss you and I need my kids with me. I’m sorry if I’ve ever hurt you. I just miss you and I need you back here,” It cuts off and she was sobbing. She was very clearly drunk too because her words were slurred and messy. Luke just keeps letting them play and these conflicting messages are pure forms of emotional abuse.

“Luke, I need you back here right now. I need you and I need Jack back here, I need you here because I don’t know what to do without you. No one listens to me here, everyone listens to you. I have no authority, I have no anything - please Louka. I’m your mother, I just need you back here with me because I miss you so much. Fucking hell Luke, call me back! You’re a piece of shit!” And it’s so whiplash inducing. He’s been treated so unfairly. This is just emotional torture and he doesn’t deserve this. The most recent one is what really explains earlier.

“I’m going to fucking kill myself if you don’t come back here. You deserve to fucking die Luke, you deserve none of this. Go down a bottle of gin and just die. I hate you - I hate you more than I can even express. I’m going to fucking be with Ben and Andy if you don’t just call me back and come home! I need you Luke,” It’s awful. No one should ever have to go through something like this. No one deserves this. Luke just locks his phone, blinking away tears before he explains.

“That voicemail was left yesterday. I called her immediately after listening to it and she didn’t pick up. I was just scared, that’s all,” Luke explains and he has every right to be scared. He doesn’t know if his mother is just trying to guilt trip him into going back to France, or if she’s actually gone and hurt herself. He’s unsure and he’s rightfully scared. His mother is abusive, but still his mother. He doesn’t want her to hurt.

“Have you tried calling again? Do you want me to call her?” My mother offers and Luke just says he hasn’t tried again and he’d greatly appreciate my mother calling. So he hands over his phone, it on Luke’s mothers contact and Luke just sits here with myself and my father as my mother leaves the room to stand outside.

We’re all silent in here for a while before my Mum calls out my fathers name and he joins her outside. I just stay here with Luke and the blonde has tears in his eyes. He’s so upset, he’s so scared and rightfully so. My parents enter the room after a few minutes and they’re holding hands. They never hold hands. What’s going on?

“Hey Luke, can we have a chat with your brother? Can you give him a call and tell him to come over urgently?” My mother asks and Luke just listens to them. He listens and he does that and Jack apparently says he’ll be right over. The aura is odd in the room, it’s a weird vibe and it’s silent until Jack arrives.

I meet him at the door and tell him to come and sit down with us. He’s extremely confused but he sits with Luke and both blondes look confused. I know deep down what’s happened. I can tell, I know what my parents are going to say to Luke and Jack. There’s nothing else they’d be saying in front of both of them and I think deep down they know too. They're just in denial. 

"Right. I hate that we have to be the ones to tell you both, but your mother has passed away. She died of alcohol poisoning at your Paris home this morning. I'm so sorry boys," My mother says and they are just stunned to silence. It's awful. I'm hurt majorly by this death too, Luke's mother has been my math teacher throughout high school. It hurts so much and she's not even my mother. I can't imagine how Luke and Jack must feel. 

"It's all my fault-" Luke starts and his voice just breaks as he speaks, a sob stopping him from furthering his words. Jack just holds him close, as do I and it's a lot. This one's really hitting everyone hard. It's going to be so hard for Luke from now on and it's going to be hard for Jack too. They're the last living Hemmings. They're all that's left for their family and they've practically got to hold on for each other. They're keeping each other alive at this point. 

"It's no one's fault Luke. You did what was right to do and you can't beat yourself up over it. They were going to contact you, someone named Florin was who found her, he tried everything he could but she had already passed. I'm so sorry Luke," My mother explains and she's hating to be the one to break such news. It's such a hard thing to do. 

"I shouldn't have been so selfish though. All I wanted was to not feel so sad. I should have been there for her," Luke explains through sobs, his accent thick and very French. He's just letting his brother hug him, he's allowing my touch but I don't want to bombard him. I don't want to overwhelm him because I know how he can get when something upsets him, let alone when a family member of his dies. 

"Listen to me Lukey, you're far from selfish. You're the least selfish person I know, you give so much to so many people and our mother was broken. She's somewhere where she can't hurt you anymore mate, you're okay. She's okay," Jack speaks and Luke just nods, trying to convince himself that his brother is right.

“I just want to hug her. I’m going to miss her so much,” Luke says and that’s completely valid. He has every right to want to be with her and to miss her. Heck, I’m going to miss her, she did help Luke so much in some ways, she was there for him in his lowest moments when all Luke wanted was his mother. She’s just hurt him an equal amount as she’s loved him.

Jack decides to stay here with Luke for a while and I really don’t blame him. Luke’s a mess, he hasn’t stopped sobbing since my mother broke the news. He’s been going between hugging me, hugging Jack, or hugging one of my parents all afternoon and whilst he’s just asleep with his head on his brother’s lap, I find myself sobbing in a separate room.

Everything is just so unfair. Luke doesn’t deserve any of this at all. The first few days are hard, but Jack stays with us. Luke cries most of the days away, still taking his meds, still thankfully managing to eat full meals and I think Jack’s encouragement has been big help. Jack’s been sleeping downstairs and I’ve been sleeping with Luke because he needs me more than ever.

Luke, Jack and I spend most moments together for a long time after his mothers death. He does get somewhat better, but time heals. He doesn’t drink on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day - Fay’s birthday. I’m proud of him. He’s growing as a person, he’s doing better as a whole and when Jack moves out again, Luke’s back to himself somewhat. A little more broken, a little more mentally distant, but he's come to terms with his mothers death somewhat. We've all grieved together and it's helped us all get through the tragedy that felt like a quick blur.

Chapter Text

He’s been clean for two weeks with his brother’s help. I’m just so thankful. He still smokes, three cigarettes a day and weed, but I know for a fact that he hasn’t touched any alcohol or hard drugs for that matter in the past two and a bit weeks. He’s been doing well. He’s been seeing Jamie three - sometimes four times a week and she’s been a lot of help too.

Now it’s January seventeenth, exactly twenty days after Luke’s mother passed away and Luke’s doing good. He’s smiley, he’s gotten to his target weight of 75 kilograms and he wants to celebrate by hanging out with everyone. They’ve all been great in Luke’s time of mourning, they’ve been respectful of boundaries, they’ve been respectful of his way of dealing with grief which is a lot of yelling and a lot of sobbing. He’s mellowed out in twenty days though and he’s really doing well. He’s free from his parents.

Ashton’s taking the day off work and it means a lot to us all. He never takes days off work, but for Luke he knows it will make the blondes day just to have everyone together. We manage to all meet up on that stupid hill and we all manage to get to the top without breaking any bones and we all just collapse in a pile of bodies at the top, a massive group hug-like action that’s just so lovely. Just laying on the grass in the sun on top of each other.

We’ve all gotten far closer recently, we’re all getting along greatly and it’s such a heartwarming thing. Fay, KayKay and Luke have all joined the friend group perfectly and we’re all as cuddly of a group as Calum, Ash and I have always been. We’re all such a close-knit group and Luke’s glad he has such lovely friends.

“Thank you for everything you guys. I’m so appreciative for everything you’ve all done for me. I wanted to take you all out to dinner at a restaurant in the city if you all wanted to get dressed up and come with Michael and I? Like a triple date,” Luke suggests and he just wants to repay their kindness somehow despite money being something Luke can throw around willy nilly.

“I’m definitely in, there’s no need to thank us Luke. We’re here for you,” Calum says and the two have gotten a lot closer. Luke went to Calum’s yesterday to hang out with Duke more so than Calum, but the two got along well and Luke even painted Cal's nails black with Mali’s nail polish. They’ve been getting along well and I couldn’t be happier.

“I’m in too Louka,” KayKay says and she’s taken a liking to Luke’s full name more so than anything else. The other two also agree to coming and Luke’s just so happy. We lay here in a nice silence for about five minutes, all laying on top of each other and someone finally breaks the silence when it all gets a little too much. I’m glad it’s Luke who breaks the silence. We’ve learnt to move at his pace.

“I also wanted to do something else with you all. I just wanted to thank you all for how much you’ve been here for me through so much. You’re all such lovely people, I don’t feel as though I deserve you all, but I’m working on that. I just wanted to thank you for getting me through this and I wanted to give you all a hug if that’s okay?” Luke explains and we all just stand up immediately at that, so wanting hugs right now.

Luke hugs KayKay first because she’s cuddly and goes in for a hug first. It’s a proper real hug and Luke ends up just hugging everyone separately. KayKay, then Fay, then Calum, then Ashton and he ends it all by kissing me. He’s so cute and we all just hug Luke, a big, six person group hug that Luke really needs right now. He’s so thankful.

“Thank you - please stop now,” Luke says and he’s getting a little overwhelmed in the group hug, so we all let him go. He’s still smiley, he’s so happy here with all of us and I’m just glad his meds have been working. I’ve noticed it, we’ve all noticed it and Jamie has explained to me time and time again what the meds are helping Luke with and I’ve learnt a lot.

He’s switched from antipsychotics to less harsh mood stabilizers. They’ve been helping a bit, he’s been having mood swings, they haven’t been as intense but they’ve been there. He’s been less angry, he’s cried a lot more but he hasn’t been at his own throat for a while. He’s been less suicidal, he’s smiled and laughed more and it’s good to see.

His antidepressants have helped too. He’s been putting on weight from the antidepressants too, he’s been sleepier because he’s been taking a high dose as per Jamie’s recommendation so he’s been sleeping a hell of a lot. In the beginning he didn’t sleep. He didn’t sleep for three days straight until he had microsleeps - some of the scariest shit I’ve ever seen.

It was dangerous. Luke was paranoid, he couldn’t respond or even process anything in these microsleeps when he just blinked out of reality for a while and he was seriously hurting himself more than he was helping himself. He was so exhausted that his body couldn’t physically stay awake and it was scary when we couldn’t wake him for some hours.

After that, Jamie prescribed strong sleeping pills for Luke once more that my parents kept in their possession so that Luke couldn’t improperly use them. He’s being slowly taken off of them now and I suppose a lot can happen in twenty days. He’s sleeping better, five or so hours a night and I’m just proud of how far he’s come.

“Hey, uh - I think we should just lay here under the trees so we don’t get sunburnt. All of us but Calum are so pasty we’re all going to burn like crisps,” I suggest and everyone agrees, all of us just lay in the shade together, and I only suggested it because I noticed Luke nodding off a little. He’s been sleeping a lot more during the day and now isn’t an exception.

Luke just thanks me as we lay down and he’s absolutely out like a light in minutes. The others understand. They know he’s on some hefty medication at the moment so there’s no blame at all. Everyone’s just glad he’s healing. He's just glad he's not so eternally exhausted. I always play with his hair when he sleeps, I don't know why, but it's calming for me and hopefully for himself. 

"He's doing good, Mikey. You're doing good," Ashton reassures me and I know it. Luke's doing well. I lay here with him as the others all mess around, playing some form of tag on the top of this hill in the sun, kissing their partners when they feel like it because everyone's young and in love. 

Luke has been thinking about university a lot. There's a lot to consider. There's what he wants to be when he's older, there's what he's willing to do with his business that he now owns entirely and there's questions on what place is best for his mental health. We've talked about it a lot with Jamie. Being with me is at the top of Luke's priorities. He doesn't want to be far from where I am - which produces many bumps in the road. 

I can't be away from my friends. They're going to uni here in Australia, so staying here seems to be the only option really. If I grew the balls to leave my family and friends, then I guess I could move to wherever Luke wanted to be, but he tells me he's happy to stay here in Sydney if that's what I want to do. Really I do want to stay here. I want to be with my friends, my family and my fiancé until we die. It's stupid really and we may decide to move somewhere else in the future, but I'm just looking at Australia-wide at the absolute most for now. 

I've applied for a few universities that offer music over Australia and now I'm just waiting to hear back from any of them. Luke still doesn't know exactly what he wants to study. Laying here he eventually wakes again when the others game of tag becomes Calum yelling at Ashton about how it's unfair to trip someone up in tag. It's a ridiculous argument and when Luke wakes up he just smiles at their ridiculousness. 

"God, what the fuck are they up to?" Luke just laughs, that sleepy morning voice sound to his words that I just love encompassing his words. I just kiss him at that because god he's beautiful laying here, wearing a white shirt over a white tank top along with black jeans. It's quite a look, but then again all looks are quite it on Luke. He's just so pretty. He's decided to grow out his hair and it's looking quite nice. He's also got some stubble at the moment that doesn't look messy - but grown up. I still think his stubble looks ginger.

"Being noisy, waking you up. How're you feeling today? Feeling better?" I ask him and he just nods a little, trying to articulate his feelings at the moment. He's not been great at this recently, but I think he gives me an understandable enough answer to really get where his mind is at recently. 

"I'm feeling content with where I am. I'm more mellowed out, I feel like I'm able to think more without my emotions clouding me if that makes any sense. I can just think about life more," Luke explains and I'm just glad he gave the meds a try. He trusts science and doctors of course, Luke is practically a science-doctor in his own right so it's a good thing he put his trust in such people. 

Speaking of, Luke's net worth has since grown after his mothers death. I'm lying here beside the world's first hundred-billion dollar owner and I look at him and can't see it at all. He's stayed out of the public eye here in Norwest extremely well. He's only really noticed when we're out and about in the city and in the past few days Luke's begun posting to Instagram again. 

Jamie is waiting for Luke to do something crazy - really we’re all kind of waiting for him to just break and I don’t know why we have zero faith in him, but can anyone really blame us? Luke’s been suddenly recovering well after his mother passed away and it’s scary because he could just snap any day now. He’s so healthy at the moment, I don’t want anything to backtrack.

“What are you thinking about right now?” I ask the blonde because he looks deep in concentration about something. He just looks back up to me, still laying down and he just smiles.

“Nothing important. What are you thinking about? You were just staring off into space like a broody teenager. What’s wrong?” Luke asks me and he can’t turn this on me. I don’t really know what to say. I could lie, but then I’d feel bad lying to Luke. Or I could tell him the truth and potentially upset him.

“Thinking about you as per usual. Actually thinking about university and moving out as well,” I say to him and he just hums in interest, sitting up so we can chat properly. Luke’s been thinking a lot about this too, so he’s interested in talking more about it all.

“Don’t think so much about me, it makes me anxious. Are you excited to move out? Because I’m so excited. We can live wherever you want, if you find a place you like, tell me and I’ll put in an offer on it,” Luke says and it always sounds so surreal. I’d feel bad - Luke buys everything for me, but realistically it’s the smartest thing to do.

"I'll make sure to let you know. I'm really excited, just gotta see if any universities want me," I laugh and Luke just hits my arm saying that all of the universities will want me . I don’t think places like Cambridge will want me like they want Luke, but I’ll never know. I’ve only applied for Australian schools.

“Hey Michael? Can I stay the night at Calum's? We were talking about it when I went to his house. I think it’ll just be good for me to get out of your hair for a while. I talked to Jamie about it too and she said it would be good for me also. Do you think I can do that?” Luke asks me and I honestly think it’s a great idea.

“Course Luke. We’re going to Ashtons after this, just the two of us then we can go home for a bit so you can pack a bag and what not, then dinner that you just promised everyone to. Sounds good?” I ask him and he just nods immediately. I’m glad he and Calum are getting along. I’m glad Mali and Luke also get along - Luke’s presence seems to grant Mali peace of mind.

“You lot are all going to get so sunburnt,” Luke calls out to the others and they all look so glad to see him awake. We really should leave before they all get burnt and everyone seems to agree. We’ve been up here about an hour and that’s enough outdoors for me at least.

“You say that like we’re the pale ones in the bunch, you two are ghosts,” Ashton teases but they join us under the shade of the trees, eventually scaling the hill down to the carpark again. Ashton and Calum are sweet with their girlfriends, they try to keep them from slipping, Cal piggybacks Fay and he manages to get them both to the ground and Ashton and KayKay are just laughing maniacally the whole way down. Luke’s just holding onto me for dear life which leads to us both slipping over and he’s ridiculous.

Luke’s excited to go to Ashton’s place. The only time he’s ever been there was when he broke that vase after the train tracks and other than that - he’s probably not been anywhere near Ashtons place since then.

I’ve also learnt recently that Luke loves kids. He’s just so good with kids that it’s crazily surprising. I guess it’s because he desperately wants to be the opposite of what his parents were to him. So when we get to Ashtons and his younger siblings are there, of course the kids immediately click with Luke.

Luke and Harry especially. Harry is seven, so he’s still blissfully unaware of everything enough to just be a kid . Lauren is eleven so she’s a bit older but she gets along with Luke almost as well as her brother.

Harry is an odd kid, but I suppose Ashton is odd too and so when the youngest person here just clings to Luke’s leg because he’s tall , Luke just finds it absolutely adorable. I can tell Luke’s going to become like another older sibling to Harry. Luke absolutely prioritizes talking to Harry more than talking to Ash and I, nodding along to Harry’s useless child sentences that hardly relate to anything at all.

Anne-Marie, Ashtons mother appreciates Luke’s kindness to her youngest, noting how well Luke’s been recently. She’d probably even allow Luke babysitting duty if it came to it - that’s how much trust has been built by the blonde's actions recently.

It’s a hot day too and the Irwin family has a sprinkler on in their backyard because summer in Aussie usually leads to dead grass. However, with Ashtons Mum’s permission, Luke takes the opportunity to pick up young Harry and run into the spraying water. The young kid is laughing and screaming and Luke just looks so happy. They both get absolutely saturated but they’re bonding and Ashton finds it so sweet too.

Ashton’s family also has a Doberman dog, so Luke’s really living his absolute best life right now. The dog too loves the water, so it’s bouncing around like a maniac and I don’t think I’ve seen Luke look happier. The Irwin family too, they’ve been in a financial dip recently but family moments like these tend to brighten their spirits.

“I’m going to go and hang out with your brother and my boyfriend now if that’s okay with you? It’s been fun, yeah?” Luke eventually says and he’s a little out of breath from all of this running round, chasing a seven year old and I don’t blame him.

“Wait - Luke’s not from Australia?” And it seems to hit Harry right then and there as Luke speaks that yeah he’s not from here. Ashton just shakes his head in disbelief, they’ve been talking all afternoon and he only realized just now. Luke just laughs, also in some kind of disbelief before explaining to the little boy.

“I’m from France, which basically means I’m an alien from a different planet, but I promise I won’t turn evil and get my people to invade earth. Is that good with you?” Luke jokes around and Harry’s eyes just go wide as he looks from Luke to Ashton, searching for a confirmation on Ashtons end and Ash just nods, saying Luke’s definitely an alien.

“So cool,” Is all Harry says in reply and eventually Luke joins us once more, absolutely saturated and very punk rock looking today. He’s wearing my clothes - that’s why - and now they’re saturated. He has to either request clothes from Ashton or let these dry. Either option would work really.

Ziggy - Ashtons dog - practically jumps all over Luke when he sits down on the dry grass with us and Luke loves the animal. Ashton tells Ziggy to stop being a dick, but Luke really doesn't mind. In fact I think the blonde boy would rather the dog be here than not be here. Harry walks over to us again eventually and Luke has all the time in the world for this boy. He listens to what it is that Harry is asking. 

"Ashton, why haven't you invited Luke over before today? He should have been here every day after the stupid prizes," He asks and - oh. Ashton just let's Luke explain whatever he wants to explain. The truth? Some elaborate lie? Ashton knows that Luke should be the one to talk about this kind of thing and my partner is honest with the boy. 

"I've been really sad recently, like quite sad so I've been sleeping a lot or not sleeping at all so I was quite grumpy all the time. I didn't want to be grumpy around you lot, so I waited a while so I'm feeling better now," Luke explains and it's a good explanation. Harry is a little confused so he asks a question. 

"Why were you so upset?" He asks and it's natural for young minds to be curious so of course Luke isn't mad or upset even that Harry would blatantly ask something like that. He's just a kid, Ashton goes to tell Harry not to be so nosy, but Luke is alright to explain. 

"My mother died. My father also did last year, so now it's just my brother and I. Does that make sense?" He asks the young boy and Harry at seven years old actually looks sorry that he asked. The Irwin's are lovely, respectful people, Anne-Marie raised them beautifully, so when he says that he's sorry that Luke's mother died, it's not exactly a surprise, but it's definitely going to stick with Luke. The kindness Ashtons family has shown is unmatched. 

Luke's been dealing with everything quite well recently. He's been able to talk about what happened without crying. He's been able to restrict his tears to night-time and he's been hurting himself less as a way of dealing with things. I haven't seen too many new scars since Luke's mother passed away and I'm just glad he's not taking it all out on himself. He doesn't deserve that. 

This morning he did. I know he's been self harming recently, he's been using a razor in his shower for self harm purposes and this morning I found him sobbing in the bathroom with lightly bleeding wrists and it hurts me too, but I know he's working on it. Now he's wearing a t-shirt and his scars are visible to everyone. He's not ashamed at all, but it's a lot to take in. All up his arms. Uniform lines. It's hard. 

"I'm sorry - is your family touchy with death? I didn't mean to upset anyone-" Luke starts to apologize but Ashton just says it's fine. Death is touchy for everyone really, but it's not like the Irwin family isn't exposed to it. Some parents don't want to talk about death around young children, but Ashtons family is really open to the young kids. 

"It's all good. Honesty is a good thing. He asked, you gave him the truth and that's what he wanted. How've you been doing though? You're looking happy and healthy," Ashton asks Luke and we can have these kinds of conversations in the group now. Luke's mellowed out quite a lot. 

"I'm doing okay I guess. For the first time in a long time I didn't have the urge to off myself yesterday. The meds have been helping, I've been feeling more content if that makes sense. I just feel kind of - here?" Luke explains and Jamie talked about that. In the first few weeks or months Luke should sleep a lot. He'll be foggy at times, feeling drugged up and distant, and he's definitely been fighting through that today. 

"Yeah? Feeling okay though right? Not just floating in oblivion?" I ask him, just making sure and he shrugs a little, unsure on how he's exactly feeling right at this given moment. 

"Today I feel good. I'm feeling happy with you guys, properly joyful. A few days ago I couldn't even really remember what happened, I felt really groggy all day. I'm feeling a bit spacey, but not sad," Luke explains and I just take it all in. He slept a lot the other day, he looked a bit vague, but I didn't think too much about it. He looks a bit hazy today, a bit out of it, but nothing too awful. 

"The meds make you feel groggy, right? Can't you just like - have seven coffees to keep you energetic," Ashton asks and even I know that it doesn't quite work like that. 

"I could, but I have really bad problems with sleeping so if I did that I'll be awake all night then I'll be tired, then upset, depressive episode, won't take my meds - so on and so forth. I've just got to keep fighting through it for now until the side effects of the meds aren't so intense," Luke says to me and I'm glad he's really trying hard. I honestly thought he'd have given up by now. 

"I'm glad you're doing well though Luke, really. You're welcome around any time you feel like it," Ashton says and Luke is very thankful for that fact. He's all over the place today, so when he rests his head on Ashtons shoulder for a minute but ends up falling asleep, I'm not really surprised. Ashton is a little awkward with Luke asleep on him, but he'd never want to wake up the blonde. 

Ashton's fine with it all though really. He just keeps chatting with me as if my fiancé weren't resting their head on me and I'm really thankful for my friends. Harry does come along again, noticing that Luke's asleep and his curious mind once again has questions. 

"Is he asleep?" Is his first question and Ashton just shushes him, nodding and telling his brother that yes Luke is asleep. 
"But it's day time, why is he asleep?" Is his second question and I suppose it's a good one. I don't know how to explain it, but Ashton does and he does a good job. 

"Do you remember maybe a year and a half ago when I used to take medicine because I wasn't very happy and that medicine made me very sleepy? Luke's taking the same medicine to make him happier, but he's also very tired like I was. That's why he's asleep," Ashton explains and Luke would be thankful that Ashton is so open with his brother. 

"I don't take medicine when I'm sad though," He says and it's a good point. Explaining all of this to such a young mind is so difficult, but Ashton knows how to talk to his brother. I'd have no idea how to do it. Ashton is such a people person, whether he's talking to an old man or a child, he's so good with people, so his good reply to help Harry understand really helps.

“It’s a bit more than that for Luke though Haz. Luke gets really upset, then really happy, then really angry, then really scared, so he takes medicine to stop his brain from being so all over the place. Just like you take medicine to stop your brain from misfiring and causing seizures, he needs medicine to stop his brain from making him upset,” Ashton explains and Harry seems to understand that explanation.

“I don’t want Luke to be upset. It’s good he takes his medication,” Harry says and Ashton and I just nod. It is good that Luke’s taking his meds, no one wants him to be upset. Harry eventually finds us uninteresting here, so he trots back inside and Luke immediately sits up - clearly having been awake while Harry was still here.

“How much of that did you hear?” I ask him and he just smiles to himself despite the tears brewing in his eyes and they’re definitely happy tears.

“Woke up when he asked if I was asleep. That really meant a lot Ashton, thank you for being honest with him. Does Harry have epilepsy? Are his seizures controlled?” Luke asks, hanging on to that last part of what Ashton said to his younger brother about seizures. I know about Harry's medical condition somewhat, but not enough to explain.

“Yeah, he used to have absence seizures every hour for about ten minutes, in and out of the absences. There was this new drug that thankfully was fully funded, Herbenzepam, that helped get rid of his absences with absolutely minimal side effects really. Harry was technically a clinical trial for the medicine a while back, but now it’s a fully funded, WHO approved anti seizure medication,” Ashton explains and Luke looks suddenly excited even.

“Herbenzepam? I know how you feel regarding medicine being made - or at least, co-made by me, but I helped with that one. When naming drugs, the prefix tells you what the medicine does. In that case the - zepam explains that it’s a Benzodiazepine. Then you have to choose two syllables that define it without advertising your brand. Her was for Herlaimont and ben was for my brother. I got to choose the name because I discovered the link between the active Benzos and the anti-absence - thing,” Luke goes on a tangent and it just surprises me. It surprises Ashton too.

“I - really? Thank you so much Luke, you’ve improved Harry’s quality of life ten fold with those meds. Oh my God, I could practically kiss you right now,” Ashton says, absolutely just thankful for Luke’s discovery and Luke looks just glad that he could help. Luke’s brain is just hardwired differently, he’s so good with science and medicine - he makes discoveries that professionals spend their whole lives trying to achieve just in a heartbeat. He’s clever beyond imaginable.

“It’s technically my job. I’m just glad I’ve now met someone it’s helped. My fathers company got all the credit for it, I’m just glad you know. Don’t tell your mother or Harry, they don’t need to know. Technically I signed an NDA for my father, so I couldn’t speak about my involvement in the discovery, but now that he’s dead I can say whatever I want. I’m not going to say anything” Luke explains and we both just nod along with him as if we truly understand it all. Luke just adds onto the end something that makes me laugh.
“Also if you wanted to kiss me I’m not opposed to the whole thing. I’m all for making out with anyone older than sixteen,” Luke explains and Ashton just rolls his eyes but does something that surprises both Luke and I.

He actually pecks Luke on the lips and it’s funny really because he doesn’t like guys in that way in the slightest, but he actually goes through with it. Luke is itching to kiss him back honestly, which should hurt because I’m engaged to the kid, but I know Luke’s a lover. He just loves affection and it doesn’t scare me because I know Luke loves me .

“Nice lips Irwin. We should do it again some time,” Is all he says however and I can see that Ash is already regretting it but I’ve got a massive smile on my face because this is comedy gold right here.

“Preferably not mate. I’m very straight and although you’re a nice kid, that confirmed my sexuality,” Ashton says and that just makes Luke laugh. He’s not offended in the slightest, if anything he just looks proud of himself for some odd reason and he’s so weird that I just don’t understand him sometimes.

“Well I'm very not straight and you definitely confirmed that. I just love romance so much, I love anything that could be classed as even slightly romantic. It just makes me feel all fluttery inside and it's beautiful," Luke explains and he's so cute. His hand is on my leg, thumb just rubbing my leg as he speaks and it's slight touch like this that really just keeps Luke going. 

"Too bad I'm not like that Louka. I like the romance side and that's as far as I'll go," And it's probably TMI but we're all practically grown ups here. Ashton's brother isn't around, what's so bad about talking about sex. I'd be open about my sex life if anyone asked me, I'd say that it's not great because I don't like it and that'd be it. Funny that Ashton asks. 

"But honestly, have you two fucked yet?" He asks us and Luke just smiles to himself, not saying anything but alluding to a lot. He's leaving it up to me to explain and honestly I'm going to be as brutally honest as possible because I know Luke doesn't give a shit about who knows what about him anymore. 

"He fucked me once and it was alright I guess. I don't know. I'm not the biggest fan of it mentally in hindsight, but I can't deny that it was good in the moment," I explain and Ashton probably thought I'd be a virgin forever. What a shame I'm not. But regardless, I wouldn't take it back. I'm glad I did what I did with Luke. 

"Now you, Irwin. You ever done anything fun with KayKay, hm?" Luke asks and Ashtons little grin to himself tells me exactly what I needed to know. He's definitely done it with her. He's definitely not a virgin and that's so odd for me to think about. He just seems so innocent. So does Kaykay. 

"Like seven times since we got together. That's all you need to know," And wow. I just shake my head at him and he flips me off. This is such an odd conversation, but Ashton has another question for Luke and it's quite a big one for the blonde. 
"Hey Luke, only if you want to share, but how many people have you slept with?" He asks and Luke just frowns, thinking about it all. 

"I've had sex with thirty four different people that aren't Michael. Can't count the amount of times I've had sex but thank god no STI's. Just a lot of trauma, raped twice by one of those people, once by someone else. Otherwise the others were people I either went out with for about a week each this year, or I just hooked up with them for the night. That's all," And sometimes I think Luke's meds have completely made him too casual about these things, but I know that he's just trying to dodge the hurt by speaking about it all casually. 

"Well I'm glad I'm with you now Louka," I say to the blonde and he just smiles gratefully, kissing me as we all sit here together. I just love Luke so much that it's honestly ridiculous. I've never been able to properly explain my feelings toward the blonde, but all I know is that those feelings are rooted in deep deep love. 

I've also managed to start therapy myself which is nice. Being diagnosed with depression and anxiety wasn't much of a shock to me, but I'm definitely doing better just talking it all out with a professional. Her name is Diane and she's honestly rather cool. About thirty years old or so, she too loves music and even apparently used to be in one of those pub bands back in the day. She's just interesting to talk to, she never judges anything and she helps. 

Luke and my parents were glad I started therapy. Luke could see my anxiety getting worse as he was going through so much and one night he just begged me to talk to him or at the very least, a therapist. I couldn't dump my issues onto him at that time, I couldn't at all - so I made an appointment with a therapist, part of an organization that Luke suggested. The diagnoses came quick, so we got that all out of the way, now I've just got to learn what exactly that means for me. 

There's a chance that I may have to take meds, Luke said he'd pay for them fully because he loves me and he says that he's the one who damaged my mental health in the first place, but I don't think that the second half is true. Luke however insists on paying for my sessions, along with anything else I need. I'm seeing Diane twice a week, that's why Luke went to Cals and everything in life is getting so busy. I occasionally go with Luke to see Jamie, but four times a week or so for three weeks is hard. 

Whenever I've got a session, I'm not really comfortable with Luke or anyone coming with me and everyone tells me that's perfectly fine. So when I have my session, my father takes Luke out to have some bonding time. Luke loves his time with my Dad so much, he always comes back ecstatic, bursting at the seams with joy as he tells me about his day. I'm just glad Luke's got a father figure in his life that treats him with nothing but kindness. I'm so glad I have wonderful parents.

Very recently, in the past few days or so, Luke and I can't go out in public without being paparazzied. It's only become an issue now because we were far too casual with our outings, practically allowing the world to shine a spotlight on us. I mean, it's a give in that this would happen, seeing as Luke is the richest person on the planet, but I just wish they could give us a few months while we sort ourselves out before the overwhelming flashes attack us once more. It's not illegal for them to photograph us here in Australia either, so it's very difficult. 

I just want my friends to stay safe. The media knows where Luke's Norwest home is, and his house is so close to mine and my friends, it's only a matter of time before something shitty happens. So far to my knowledge we've never been paparazzied with anyone but each other - thank god, but I have a feeling that tonight that's going to change. We're going out to a restaurant in the city, all of us together and that just sets up disaster perfectly. I know the others will say they don't mind about getting photographed, but I just want their identities to remain private. I chose this, Luke was thrown into it, but if we can protect our friends from this life then that's what I want. 

So when Ash drops us home with the promise to be back at mine at six thirty sharp, dressed up beyond fancy as Luke explains. Ashton just says that the fanciest thing he has is the red suit that Luke got him and Luke just tells him to wear that then.

Calum calls me because he has no idea what to wear, but I know he has many fancy outfits. I tell him to just dress up well and Luke tells me to tell him to dress up glamorously and I relay that info on to Calum. Calum doesn’t know what that means exactly, so Luke just tells Calum to come over and he’ll glam Calum up and find some of his clothes that would suit Calum.

Cal reluctantly agrees and I’m excited to see this. Luke’s moved a lot of his clothes from his house to mine in the past few weeks, making that spare room really his room. He’s moved two electric guitars, two acoustics and a bass into our house too and it’s nice to see him writing every day again.

He’s also fully purchased a small independent, one room recording studio in south Sydney that he really liked the look of. He was nice, he purchased the place for twice of what the owners were asking for, which was about half a million dollars. He’s smart with his money, he really is in the grand scheme of what he could be buying and I'm just glad he's not a dick with his money. 

When Calum gets here Luke is practically ecstatic and I know it’s one of his mood swings. Obviously he hasn’t been taking his meds for ages, so he still gets the occasional crazy high or intense low or anger, but he’s working on it. Right now he’s a little bit manic but we’ve all learn how to recognise his emotions and how exactly we should be treating him in these times.

Right now he’s talking fast, hardly finishing sentences as he jumps from thought to thought and he’s hard to keep up with when he’s like this. I just try to speak slower myself to get him to slow it all down a bit himself, but it hardly works. We’ve just got to let this whole thing run its course.

“What’s your favorite color? We’d still have time to go to mine - but like if you wanted to wear something like this - it’s just - whatever you want,” Luke speaks and Calum just looks between himself and me for some kind of translation really, but Luke’s so incoherent that I have no idea what he’s even trying to get at.

“Please slow your mind down a little Luke, finish your sentences because we can’t understand what your trying to say,” Luke told me a while ago that just saying stuff like this blatantly to him is the easiest way to snap him out of it all. He just pouts, apologizing and giving himself a minute to sort out his thoughts so he can say what he really wants to. He just needs to slow himself down. Slow his mind down.

“What is your favorite color to wear? I have nice clothes here or at my house. You can choose anything,” That’s all he was trying and I see where he went off track. He’s calmed down at that a little and Calum just says that he likes to wear black but Luke says that that just wont do. Luke has some crazy clothes, that I know - but what he suggests for Calum just looks like it might work.

It’s a suit jacket with sequins all over it that can be reversible like one of those silly pillows. Calum immediately doesn’t like it much, but Luke is insistent on this being what Calum’s going to wear. One side of the sequins are silver, one side black and Luke manages to get Calum to actually wear it.

He just strips right here and now in front of us, also taking off his pants because Luke also has velvety black pants with light cheetah print designs on them, the designs hardly noticeable seeing as they’re black too. Sometimes I forget that Calum is a jacked guy - I mean seriously, he’s got a six-pack and the best toned muscles ever. Luke’s just absolutely checking him out just like at the beach that time as the brunette gets changed and I just shake my head because he’s ridiculous.

The suit jacket over a nice black dress shirt along with the velvet pants looks so nice, Calum’s really rocking the look and even says that he doesn’t hate it. Now I need to find something to wear that suits my whole vibe nowadays. I took out the black earrings finally and replaced them with black sleepers a few days ago and Luke dyed my hair when the green really started to fade and the regrowth was coming through.

It was a hell of a lot of fun really. I bleached it all just a crazy platinum white blonde and Luke looked through all of my dye colors before choosing something and keeping it a secret. I trusted him and I kept my eyes closed as he dyed my hair. He did a good job, he even washed it all out as I kept my eyes closed and I’m just glad I didn’t peak. I just didn’t expect to open my eyes and see my hair pastel pink.

Luke picks out my outfit too, he chooses out something thankfully not crazy - just a black suit jacket and dress shirt underneath. Cal goes to pack a sad, saying that Luke just said that black won’t work, but Luke just says that my hair makes up for it at the moment. Luke contrasts my plainness beautifully with what he decides to wear.

He wears a pastel purple ruffled shirt that I would even class as a blouse. It’s almost lilac or periwinkle really and it’s an attention seeking piece of clothing clearly. Luke makes it work, of course he does and he’s ridiculous really. Jack is always buying shit like this for Luke online, sending it to our house and this is one of the most recent things Jack’s purchased for Lu.

He pairs it with red, velvet pants that in theory doesn’t sound like it would work at all, but he definitely pulls it off. I just like the shirt's frilliness, it’s so pretty on Luke and even Calum comments on how good Luke looks.

The purple makes his eyes pop, just like when his hair was this color and so he has another idea. Of course his idea is to wear makeup. He’s absolutely in love with wearing makeup more and more recently and I’m all for it. He’s making it work.

Luke has lilac eyeshadow that he decorates his eyes with and he’s so pretty. He also had steadier hands nowadays and he’s an artist at heart so he manages the perfect eyeliner that always makes KayKay so jealous. He’s light handed so the eyeliner is thin and perfect, just how he likes it and he’s too good at this. He explains the style is fox eyeliner, a bit of the liner on his inner eye two and it’s so symmetrical.

He also wears mascara because he’s really going all out tonight and I think it’s because he knows he’s going to get photographed. The eyeshadow and eyeliner makes his eyes absolutely pop, his eyes look aqua and it’s all so pretty. His hair is all curly because he’s actually giving a shit about his natural curls after all this time and he’s been letting his hair stay curly.

His dark eyelashes with mascara look so odd to me. They’re naturally so blonde, so when they’re dark like this they really stand out. He’s so pretty, I’m at a loss for words at how much he thrives now. He’s more confident in himself and he’s a hell of a lot happier. He’s growing as a person and I just love him so much.

“Can I put eyeshadow on you both? Pretty please?” Luke asks and it’s a pass for myself in the beginning, but Calum agrees to it and if they’re both wearing eyeshadow then I have to as well. Calum just ends up with glitter on his eyelids, a shiny silver color to match his suit, just glitter and I go with a little bit of eyeliner on my waterline because I trust Luke not to stab my eyes out. I think it’s punk rock as hell.

When the others all come over they look amazing. Ash drove the two girls here and they’re dressed up far nicer than us boys, clearly and Calum and Ash look at the two in awe. They’re so cute.

KayKay dyes her own hair too and at the moment it’s the same color as mine was. She’s got green hair and she calls herself Green Bean Kaykay on social media at the moment. It’s funny really, but we’re both colored hair babes right now - so everything works out in the end. She looks nice, she always gets dressed up, much like Luke, so when she arrives wearing a transparent, black mesh shirt that shows off her black lace bra, along with short black shorts and a black belt - finishing the look with a red leather jacket and knee high red heel boots, I’d say she’s quite adventurous with her fashion.

Fay isn’t as adventurous, but she looks just as nice. She’s wearing a black jumpsuit with little white polka dots and black heels. She’s more of a fashion follower - following what’s trendy to stay safe and there’s nothing wrong with that. She pulls it off and everyone comments on how nice she looks. 

Ashton - true to his word, wears the same red suit he wore to that awful party all that time ago and I’m just glad we’re all looking so fine. At that Luke asks if we want to drive or if he should call his driver and everyone just kind of mutually agrees that a driver is absolutely over the top but absolutely necessary.

We all end up piling into a limo-like car at that once everyone is absolutely ready and Luke has that same familiar talk with everyone in the car as we had before the party which feels like lifetimes ago. The conversation is different, but aspects are the same.

“Paparazzi are going to get photos of us all together, that’s just something that I’m really sorry about but will happen. It’s been getting worse recently so they’ll probably try to engage in conversation and take photos all up and personal. Just flip them off, curse them out - do whatever you need to do to keep each other safe and I’ll do the same. They should stick to Mikey and I, but since you’re with us I don’t know what might happen,” Luke explains and everyone is aware of that aspect of being Luke’s friend. Everyone knows the consequences and it’s alright with them.

The drive to the restaurant is great, it’s amazing really because we can blast music and just sing our hearts out. We all like the same music in the car too, so we end up just blasting an eighties station again and it’s good fun. Paparazzi however when we get out of the car is one of the worst experiences of my life.

It’s relentless from the second we get out of the car and I’m just thankful Luke made sure he’d have security where we were dropped off because we kind of needed it. As soon as the car stops it’s constant camera shutters going off and questions being thrown our way.

“Louka! Who are your friends with you tonight? Who are the lovely ladies with you? Michael, who are your other friends?” That’s how it starts at least and we all just stay close, letting the six or so security guards keep us away from them. They get closer though and I just want to break down right then and there because it’s just so overwhelming. Luke’s holding my hand and we keep our heads down, trying to hide from it all. Ash and Cal are busy trying to keep their girlfriends out of the paparazzi's shots and all we’re trying to do is walk to the fucking restaurant.

“Louka, have you got anything to say about your mothers passing? Who are you living with now that both of your parents have passed?” And that’s just damn cold. Who even asks a question like that? Who asks a kid about their deceased parents in such a way, less than a month after one of them passed. Luke rightfully loses his shit at them.

“What the fuck guys? I mean come on, don’t you have somewhere else better to be? I’m trying to take my friends some place nice, can’t you just leave us the fuck alone?” He speaks and he really shouldn’t say anything because now he’s interacting with them and it just sets them up to ask more.

“When are you planning to marry Michael? How have you been dealing with your mothers passing and your fathers death late last year?” And god why are these people like this? That time it really gets Luke - actually it gets all of us and Calum and Luke practically yell at these people.

“Are you fucking happy that you’re harassing my friends? No don’t fucking walk away you asshole. These are my friends, okay? They don’t want to be photographed, I don’t want to be photographed and you’ve got enough pictures as is. You’re bombarding us, we’re fucking teenagers and you’re harassing us. Please, just leave us alone, stop asking about my family,” Luke keeps himself under control and he speaks directly to the guy who asked about his parents twice. Pictures are still being taken so Luke just ignores them.

Calum also yelled at them, pulling the finger, and we all try to just get to the restaurant. I can see it from here, hundred meters or so and this is just ridiculous. The f slur is thrown around by someone and it hurts, but Luke just flips them off again. It takes far too long to walk that distance, but I’m just glad nothing too serious happened. We’re all a bit shaken, but once we’re in the restaurant, Luke just tells us that it’s booked out for us and only us. Thank god.

The blinds are pulled down over the windows so no paps can see in and we all just take a minute to calm ourselves down from all of that. The girls are alright, that’s who we’re all worried about right now collectively - Luke also, because Luke and I have experienced this before - Luke’s used to it, I’m getting to understand it and the guys weren’t deliberately targeted.

“No, are you okay Luke? We’re alright, are you okay?” Fay asks and Luke’s learnt to live with this so he just nods, saying that he’s fine. He looks a little shaken, but he’s not going to let that ruin his night. A waiter shows us to our table and it’s such a fancy place - Luke really didn’t need to do this but he insisted.

It has damn nice food too, it’s phenomenal really and everyone is extremely grateful. We are all allowed alcohol - the workers don’t mention anything about our ages - that comes with being famous - and I allow Luke to break his promise to himself just this once. Getting alcoholic drinks sometimes or even getting drunk sometimes isn’t a bad thing and I know for a fact that he’s been completely sober for around a month now.

I get a glass of champagne because it’s really nice, and Luke gets something called Long Island Iced Tea . Calum gets a beer, Ash doesn’t drink and the girls don’t either. Luke ends up getting two of the same drink and he downs them both in under half an hour. To say he ends up pretty wasted is an understatement. What the hell is in those things?

“Hey, hey I love you guys so much. I just fucking love you all so much,” Luke mumbles out and we all know that he’s drunk because he’s so mumbly and he’s got the hiccups. It’s not great, we all know that he was trying to stay sober at least to some degree, but it’s been a while and he wants to have fun. I don’t blame him, but none of us have the desire to get drunk as well.

“We love you too mate. Should probably get some water into you, those hit you pretty damn hard,” Ashton says and Luke just asks if he can have another. No. Not at all is all of our responses and he just pouts. He just gets water instead, sipping on the drink and he’s all over us all.

“You guys are all just so pretty. How did I get such pretty friends? I love you guys. I love you and I love you and you and you and you. Thanks for being here with me,” Luke mumbles out and he’s quite gone. Not as far gone as the last time he was drunk - he was past drunk then, but now he’s just casually drunk and it’s fun because I know he’s not in danger.

Of course I’m filming this whole thing because it’s ridiculous and we take photos and videos all the time now. We took a bunch together before Luke got wasted because he wanted something to post on his Instagram. Now he’s a giggly mess as he laughs into Calum's touch. It’s funny really because he’s cuddly when he’s like this and he just wants to hug everyone and tell them how much he loves them.

“How’d I get so fucking drunk so quick? Wait what was I saying? I was saying something really important,” Luke asks and I don’t think it was really important at all. He was going off on a tangent about how he loves my hair. We all listened as if it were something important but he was just rambling.

“Don’t know buddy, what was even in that drink?” I ask and I look for a drink menu to see what it’s made up of when Luke just shrugs. He’s got the hiccups, it’s kind of cute and he just finds every tiny joke hilarious when he’s like this. The drink had pretty much every type of spirit imaginable in it - gin, tequila, vodka, rum and triple sec. Great.

“I don’t ever wanna leave here. I don’t wanna leave you guys. You’re just so cool, you’re all so cool and so nice. Is everyone done with food? Should I pay?” Luke asks us eventually and I think we’re all done. We also got dessert and Luke snuck in a beer or two so he’s been staying drunk, dancing around because he can while the rest of us just eat dessert. Luke didn’t want anything else, but he ate what’s considered a full meal, so I don’t blame him. He eats a bit of what I got - Crème Brûlée - because he suggested it when I didn’t know what to get.

"I think we're all done, don't trip over Luke - Jesus, how drunk are you?" Ashton says when he has to keep the blonde from tripping and Luke just thanks him before saying he's just tipsy and we all know that's a lie. We're not stupid. The girls are just kind of in awe of how drunk Luke gets. They've never seen him drunk before to my knowledge. 

"I'm surprised you let him have two long island iced teas. I’ve had one before last year, so illegally back in the US and I was throwing up for so long after it,” KayKay explains and I didn’t know. Someone should have said something to me, how could I have known it was something super strong? It sounds harmless.

“Well he’s staying at Calum’s house tonight so he can deal with Louka,” I explain and Cal just flips me off because he doesn’t want to deal with this, but he knows he promised Luke that he could stay the night. Luke will only be more upset if Cal doesn’t invite him over.

“Yeah, but we’ve gotta stay here a while before we go out there to the paps with Luke stumbling everywhere. It’s not a good look for the kid. We’ve just gotta stay here for a while and let him sober up,” Ash explains and it’s not a bad idea at all.

Eventually Luke comes back to us, giggly and stumbly, telling us that he paid and left a tip and he just shows me the receipt as if I needed to see it. The food was crazy expensive, for all six of us to eat it was about two hundred dollars a person because it really was fine dining. I don’t want to know how much it was to practically close this place down for the night, reserving it for only us, but Luke leaves a five grand tip to the place on top of everything and it’s quite generous.

“Hey babes. We’re gonna wait for you to sober up a bit then we’ll be out of here, okay?” I say to him as he takes his seat beside me again and the workers say we can stay as long as necessary - also warning that there are still a bunch of paparazzi outside. We just all thank them sincerely and Luke just smiles at them, everything just hazy for him clearly.

He goes to rub his eyes but I act quickly because he’s got makeup on and it’ll end up smudged and he just pouts as I hold his hands away from his face. I tell him why and he just says oh as if he completely forgot that he’s wearing beautiful makeup right now. He’s a mess, he’s giggly more so than anything else and it’s nice to see him so happy.

“Why is Ashton and Calum so funny?” Luke asks between laughs about a silly joke Ashton just said and they’ve always been such funny people. Ashton especially, he’s a quick-witted, very intelligent too and that that leads to funny witty remarks.

“I’m hurt that you don’t think we’re funny Louka,” KayKay says with a pout and Luke quickly takes back his statement or rather, adds on that they’re funny too and that I’m also funny. We just all decide to say that no, we see how it is, Ash and Cal are the favorites and in Luke’s inebriated state he just argues that we’re all his favorite.

“Nooo, you’re all my favorite. You’re all the best ones more than anyone else I know. You’re all my best friends. I love you,” Luke says and he just rests up against KayKay this time. She just hugs him back immediately, keeping him happy and they’re too good with him. He’s so cuddly and I think by the time he’s sobered up a little he’s cuddled everyone else in the group.

We only leave when Luke can walk straight, but he’s still very drunk. It’s a bad idea because his words are slurred still and we’re going to try to get him back to the car while he’s like this. Luke calls security and when they’re let in we can finally go. Luke just clutches my hand and we’ve got to do the whole paparazzi thing again - except Luke is now drunk. It’s not a surprise that it gets messy.

“Louka, how was dinner? Have you had a good night?” One of the paparazzi asks and Luke’s so gone that you can probably tell he’s drunk just by looking at him. He slurs an insult out and that kind of sets up everything perfectly.
“Louka, have you been drinking tonight?” It’s such a stupid question but Luke’s just so far gone that of course he just says something stupid.

“What does it matter? Why does it matter if I had a good time and was drinking? Yeah I had a good time, yeah I’m fucking drunk, what does it matter? Why do you guys care about these things? You have enough photos, leave us alone,” He’s getting quite upset and I just tell him to not worry about these clowns.

“Louka - where did your family come up with the Hemmings alias?” The questions are useless really in the grand scheme of life and we’re all practically praying that Luke doesn’t reply, but of course he does because he doesn’t know better right now. So he just gives them an answer and I have to stop walking also because he stops. We all have to stop. 

“My father chose it. I don’t know why he did. He’s an asshole of a person though,” Is all Luke says and we keep walking. The others are just whispering reassurances to each other that everything is alright, but really we know that this isn’t alright at all. It’s overwhelming, it’s awful and Luke drunk feels so overwhelmed too.

“Your father was a murderer Louka, did he ever express anything that would have made you aware of the fact that he’d ever do such a thing?” One of the paparazzi asks and can’t they just leave the poor kid alone? Don’t they have enough for headlines? Luke Hemmings - Underage Drinking With Friends .

“Do you want me to blatantly tell you he was abusive? Is that what you want? Were your parents good people? Give me your goddamn camera and we can take pictures of you, yeah? How do you like it? What’s your name? Wanna go through your childhood trauma and see how it makes you feel?” Luke asks and he grabs out his phone at that, opening his camera and now he’s the one going too far.

“Hey dude, calm down,” Is all the paparazzi says and Luke hates that word more than words. Dude . It gets under his skin because he really doesn’t want to be labeled a male at all. It hurts his heart a lot and so he does the complete opposite of what the guy wants. He doesn’t calm down at all.

“Leave us alone! Don’t call me dude, I’m not your dude, I’m not so much as your acquaintance. Can’t you just respect us and leave? All of you! There’s twenty of you here just taking photos of six people under twenty years old! We’re kids, leave us alone,” Luke yells at them all and security just keeps us moving. Luke flips them off again when they don’t leave and we can eventually file into the car, but Luke decides to have one last word with them all, closing the door behind me to keep us out of the spotlight as he as a word to these guys, security keeping him safe.

I mean, rightfully so. Luke has every right to protect himself and us, he has every right to be angry and request privacy, so that’s what he does. He does mellow down to talk this time and I just know that it’s because a little more in his mind.

“Please guys, they’re my friends, they’re just people like you and I. I wanted to take them out to dinner to celebrate and you’ve quite frankly ruined it for everyone, right? I understand that this is your job and I respect the fact that you need to earn money to live but not like this. We’re kids, we’re all teenagers and you’re taking photos because I have money? It’s a bit ridiculous don’t you think? Now we’re going home and I’d appreciate it if you moved out of the way of the car, yeah? Thanks gents,” Luke says and he opens the door, hopping into the car and closing the door behind him and they don’t listen. Of course not.

Luke just rests his head on my shoulder and we all just sit here, waiting for the driver to be able to move even slightly and not hit the paparazzi. When we’re finally on the road Luke absolutely breaks down. He starts hyperventilating and he can’t breathe properly. He’s having a panic attack and it’s going to lead to an asthma attack if he’s not careful.

“Breathe love. We’re all okay, you’re okay. In and out lovely, you did the right thing,” I try to get him to calm down and he tries to breathe with me. I hold his hand, I breathe with him and he manages to get it all under control a little. He wants his inhaler, but I don’t have one, nor does the driver.

“Sit him up straight, breathe in your nose Luke, then out of your mouth,” Ashton explains and I just sit him upright, petting his hair as he breathes with me. He gets it all under control after a while and he’s still tipsy drunk, but he’s exhausted and I hate seeing him upset like this. He sleeps on Ashtons shoulder on the way to my house because he’s exhausted and we can all just chat.

“ Is everyone okay? That was a lot,” I ask everyone and they all nod, they’re okay. Luke is absolutely out cold, he’s fast asleep snoring lightly and Ashton’s good with him. He just pets his hair how I do in times like these and Luke just ends up resting with his head on Ashton's lap.

“It was a bit overwhelming, Luke kind of took the brunt of their awful shit. It sucks that he’s got to deal with all of this,” Fay explains and we just nod along because it does suck that he needs to go through all of this on top of dealing with grief and all of his other issues at the moment. 

"He can still stay at mine if you want. Mali is seeing Dad and my Mum is at my grandparents house. It'll just be him and myself if you just wanted to pop in to yours and grab his meds and a change of clothes or whatever?" Calum offers and I'm so thankful for that fact. It's early really, nine thirty by the time we get to mine and I just know that Luke will stay up with Calum doing dumb shit if he goes to his house. I think it'll be good for him. That panic attack sobered him up real quick. 

"Louka? Hey angel, nice to see you awake. Do you still want to stay at Calum's? I can pack you a bag and you can go with him? He'll drive you to his if you want to?" I ask Luke when we've come to a stop and Luke apologizes to Ashton for falling asleep on him like this before he just nods. He wants to stay at Calum's house and so we go inside to pack a bag. 

"It's been bad today," Luke speaks up as I help him pack some track pants and a shirt along with his essentials into his bag. I just join him, sitting on the bed and everyone's waiting for us but I know that whatever this is he's talking about is very important. 

"What's been bad, lovely? If you mean the paparazzi overwhelming us then just know that that didn't ruin anyone's day at all," I say to him and he just shakes his head a bit cause it's not what he's worried about right now. I hate seeing him like this, he's started to be happier recently, I don't like this sudden switch back to the old Luke. 

"The suicidal thoughts, just this afternoon have been overwhelming. It was just like, oh we're in a moving vehicle, I should jump out - or - Ashton has a steak knife, I should stab myself with that . That's why I got those drinks, just to stop thinking like that for a bit but now I'm just disappointed in myself. It's been so much today, so many emotions all on high," Luke explains and he really is struggling. I just hug him and I feel his muscles loosen a little because he's still tense from all of the shit with the paparazzi. 

"Are the meds helping at all? If they're not helping in the slightest you should tell Jamie tomorrow. We'll help you Lu," I say to him and he just nods a little. He just plasters on a smile and he's off to Calum's house. It's odd watching Cal drive Luke away, but the young blonde is growing and learning to be in others' company. 

I spend my night in silence really, I sit in my room, plucking at the electric guitar Luke got me just to fill in the sudden silence. It's peaceful and I've almost forgotten what it's like to be here alone. My parents too aren't home, they're on night shift so I'm really alone. I start nodding off around four or five in the morning because for some reason I couldn’t get to sleep but I'm exhausted after staying up and trying to write some shit. I've never written music, not at all, but Luke's creativity recently has been turning my gears because I want to be just like him in this sense. 

I manage to make it to my bed before I absolutely black out to the land of dreams and I have some weird as shit dream about meeting the singer of Green Day. It's really odd really since I don't usually dream about things like this, but it's cool nonetheless. When I wake up in the morning I'm upset that it was all a dream, but I get over it all pretty quickly. 

I woke up early, seven o'clock, so I'm absolutely exhausted with about an hour and a half of sleep but I know I won't get back to sleep so I decide to start my day. I go downstairs and make a coffee and some cereal, eating the food as I scroll through headlines from last night. They're not awful thank god, and paparazzi photos are some of my favorite things to look at after the fact. I still love that one from France in the snow. But we all look so damn fine in these ones that it's almost worth it. The headlines are all over the place. 

'Louka Herlaimont takes friends out fine dining in the heart of Sydney' 

'Louka Herlaimont and fiancé Michael Clifford join friends for a night of a few too many drinks for the billionaire' 

'Louka Herlaimont and friends get angry at paparazzi who are just doing 'their jobs' after fine dining in Sydney Australia'

They're not great. I read a few of the articles and the media somehow has found Ashton, Calum, Fay and KayKays names. I hate that fact, it's so scary to think about, but I can't think about it for long because my phone starts ringing and when I see that it's Calum calling me, my heart immediately sinks because this could be anything. 

"What's wrong?" Is my opening line and I just hear a really faint sobbing on the line. It's enough to terrify me really because anything could be happening right now and I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I feel like I can't breathe. 

"Nothing life threatening, don't worry. I think there's something wrong with Luke," Calum starts it off by relieving me somewhat before he says something that fills me with anxiety once more. What's that supposed to mean? There's something wrong with Luke? That could mean absolutely anything and I need a second to think of actual words to ask a single question. 

"What's wrong with Luke? Nothing's wrong with Luke, what's wrong?" I ask him and he just paces a little, I can hear his feet shuffling over his floor and he's nervous. Why is he nervous? There's still that light sobbing in the background and it sounds like Luke. My heart is absolutely pounding in my chest, I'm so nervous - apprehensive could be the word and I just wait for Calum to answer me. Calum's kind of stuttering, not knowing what exactly to say. What's going on?

Chapter Text

"I woke up this morning and Luke is out of it as fuck. He's hallucinating and paranoid and I have no idea what to do. I don't know what he's done, I fell asleep with him last night, then I woke up and he wasn't there, but I found him downstairs in the living room commenting on the fabric of the couches being soft. I don't know what's wrong with him," Calum explains and I'm already putting on shoes to sprint to Calum's place right now because I have no idea what this means for Luke either. There's no car at home, so I have to run. 

"I'm coming, I'm gonna run there so call me if anything changes," I tell him before hanging up when he draws out an okay and I just sprint to Calum's house. It takes about ten minutes of me just running as fast as possible and I can barely breathe when I get to the Hood residence, but it's all worth it because I'm scared shitless right now. When I get inside and locate the boys, one look at Luke explains every single thing. He's absolutely off the rails - high. I thought things were finally better with Luke. 

"I don't know what happened Michael - I'm so sorry," And Calum starts apologizing to me as if it were his fault. He's not high, not at all, so it's in no way his fault. This could have happened at any point while anyone was watching over him. Its in no way Calum's fault, but by the light tears in his eyes I can tell he feels so beyond sorry that it's ridiculous. 

"It's not your fault. Louka, what are you doing to yourself?" Is all I can really ask Luke who's just curled up on the couch, playing with the fabric on one of the cushions as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. He doesn’t listen to me at all, at least he isn’t listening to my question that’s more just a space where I didn’t want to be speechless. I’m just so upset.

“The walls and pillow are talking shh,” Luke says, shushing me as he just turns away from us, listening intently to a sound that isn’t there. I don’t know what to do. I have no clue of what on earth he’s taken at all, I just know he’s not going to overdose right now and I’m just holding onto that fact.

“They really aren’t Lu. Please - what did you take and why the fuck did you take it?” Are my only two questions and I don’t know what to ask other than that. Luke doesn’t want to talk. He’s absolutely tripping hard and he’s just so encapsulated by the damn pillow with tassels on the edges. His eyes are wild and don’t stay in one space for very long.

He looks an absolute mess really. He looks far more exhausted than I feel after a few hours sleep and it’s just his wild eyes that are looking everywhere that really sets the mood. He’s just cuddling this pillow, whispering into it and I have theories about what he’s taken because of how he’s behaving right now.

“Did you do take ecstasy Luke?” I ask him and he just shakes his head, trying to tell me that he didn’t take that and I don’t know whether or not to believe him. Then again I don’t think it’s ecstasy either - he’s giggly and he smells like smoke - so I know he’s at least been smoking. But what has he taken and why won’t he just tell me?

“Mikey your eyes are green,” Is all he says to me when he finally looks directly at me and I don’t know exactly what to say to that.

“They are, and yours are blue,” I say to him and he just whines out a no and - what does he mean no? He just rolls over onto his back at that, fiddling with the fabric on his own shirt that’s really my shirt.

“Can you feel your eyes? I can like - feel them in my brain. I wanna play with paint,” Luke asks me and I have no idea what he’s talking about. He sits up at that and Calum is just watching on, so confused as to what really is going on and I’m in the exact same boat. I have no idea what’s going on, I have no idea if he’s really taken anything at all or if he’s just gone insane.

“Are you high?” Is the absolute basis of a question I could ask and Calum looks at me like I’m insane because he’s so obviously high and when Luke nods I hate that I’m actually thankful for something so dreadful.

“I’m so fucked up. I’ve never done shrooms before, it's so trippy,” Luke says and that thankfully explains everything. I hate that this is what he’s done. I hate that he knows someone who will give him shrooms at midnight whilst he clearly snuck out and I’m just thankful he found his way back to Calum’s house. I can’t imagine how terrified Calum would have been if he woke up and Luke was just gone .

“If you do a drug test Luke - fucks sake. You’re gonna light that thing up like a Christmas tree. You’re applying for university babe, you can’t be doing drugs right now,” I say, sighing into my hands because he could lose his future to these spur of the moment decisions. I say it ignoring what Luke and I have been doing in the past month.

“You say that as if we don’t smoke weed practically every day. I haven’t done anything else in like a month, I saw the news articles and I wanted to escape the world so I’ve been tripping since three in the morning. I’m so sorry,” And he really is sorry. Calum gives me a look, no one knows that Luke and I smoke weed like we’re breathing air. I’ve just tried to block it from my own mind too really.

“This and weed are completely different Luke and you know it. You’ve been doing so well, I’m not mad - I’m just disappointed,” I say to him and he gets mad at me of course and rightfully so. I’m being a dick, I’m tired and I’m being unfair.

“You’re the person who let me get drunk last night after I’ve been doing so well. I’ve been doing so well and if you didn’t get champagne then I wouldn’t have taken the cue Michael! I’m so fucking disappointed in myself, don’t be disappointed too,” Luke practically pleads for me to not be disappointed, but I’m just so mad at myself right now that I say shit that I don’t mean.

“I’m eighteen! I can legally drink here and you can’t! For the love of god Luke, me ordering one fucking glass of champagne doesn’t mean you can drink! You’re legally not allowed to, why are you so intent on tearing yourself to shreds?” I ask him, I yell a lot and Calum takes a step away from all of this, glaring at me because I’m going too far and he knows. Deep down I know, but I’m not going to admit it because I’m so pissed off.

“Why are you so intent on fixing me! I don’t need fixing! I’m allowed to do whatever I want because I have no parents to tell me not to anymore! I’m a fucking immigrant orphan and I’m addicted to my own demise! Fuck you, don’t think you know anything about me and my mind because you know nothing at all,” Luke says and yeah - he’s not lying.

“I’m sorry, I just want you to be okay. I just want you to get into Uni clean and I just want you not to hate yourself so much. That’s the last thing I want. Please, this is the last time. Think about yourself, think about how you’re feeling right now, and think about how you feel when you’re sober. Tell me which you genuinely like feeling more?” I ask him and he just tears up, looking around the room a little because he’s still seeing shit obviously.

“I like being sober. I feel like shit, I’m so sorry. I’m really sorry Michael,” Luke says and he really does feel bad. He looks around again and flinches at something that the drugs are causing him to see and he’s at least self aware of the fact that he’s seeing shit, so that’s something. He’s scared of whatever he’s seeing and I hate seeing him like this.

“What are you seeing? Tell Calum what you’re seeing, I’m going to grab you a glass of water and something to eat so you can take your meds, okay love?” I ask him and he just nods, beginning to explain to Calum that there’s a massive spider on the wall behind us and he’s hallucinating because there’s only a white wall there.

I go and get him some water and I put peanut butter and strawberry jam on a bit of bread to make an awful sandwich for the blonde, but when I get back he’s so thankful and he eats it just as quickly as that time at the aquarium. He thanks me about a million times, talking with his mouth full and I grimace a little, but don’t say anything regarding it all.

We all talk for a long while before Luke noticeably comes down from his high. If he’s been high since three in the morning and it’s nine now, then that was a six hour trip. He ends up throwing up in Calum’s bathroom because he’s been clearly nauseous for a while and he just apologizes profusely time and time again.

He’s got an appointment with Jamie in less than an hour and both he and I want him to go. He wants to show Jamie that he’s still really not okay and I want her to see Luke like this. I need her to see with her own eyes what Luke does to himself because I feel like she’s too casual about everything. She needs to see that he’s really hurting and punishing himself.

So I end up taking us to the appointment in Calum’s car because Luke doesn’t want to go alone. I shouldn’t be driving this exhausted really, but I got my full license last week so I can finally drive Luke around places legally. He’s still not driven at all and he’s not ever going to in my eyes. He’s too anxious of a person to drive.

I almost fully t-boned a car. I was at a stop sign which is bullshit in Australia anyway and I just assumed it was clear. I’m just so exhausted and Luke just looks so scared because I think both of our lives flashed before our eyes in that minute. It’s just another stupid fucker driving too - going way over the speed limit so I guess we were both in the wrong there.

By the time I park at Jamie’s work I’m practically nodding off in the drivers seat which is completely dangerous and stupid. Luke’s worried about me - clearly - and he sobers up from this kind of thing quickly. I can’t tell he was high, not drunk out of his mind last night, so I guess that’s a plus in one way or another. 

I stumble out of the car and I’m still nodding off as I just stand and catch my balance. I don’t think I’ve ever been this exhausted in my life and to say Luke is concerned would be a massive understatement. He just asks me if I’m alright and I just say that I’m fine. We walk into the building and we’re told to wait in that room for a while until Jamie comes out.

I fall asleep here. I never fall asleep with my head resting on Luke, but this time I do and I must get five minutes before Luke taps me awake because Jamie is here. She has sympathy in her eyes for the wrong person. She looks at me sympathetically when she should be looking at Luke sympathetically because he’s the one that needs help.

I stumble my way with Luke into the blue room and my legs are practically giving out by the time we get there. I’m so exhausted and Jamie wants to do a check up on me . No way in hell, we’re here for Luke, not for me, so I just tell them that I’m fine. I’m great really, just a little exhausted and Luke looks so worried.

Jamie asks if I’ve had any water recently and I don’t think so, but I just say that I had a coffee this morning - but water on its own? I haven’t probably had water in two days minus a coffee on each of those days and a glass of champagne - but it’s crazily hot out. They don’t need to worry about me, Jamie needs to worry about Luke.

So we talk to her about everything and she also looks upset with Luke’s drug consumption. Luke’s upset too, he’s awfully upset and we both tell him that once again, relapse is a part of recovery. She’d be surprised if Luke just miraculously got better without a relapse of drug use and I suppose that’s true.

While sitting here I keep nodding off and I feel crazily lightheaded. Luke just asks me again if I’m sure I’m okay and I just nod again. I really don’t feel okay, I’m sweating buckets which is mildly uncomfortable, but I’m fine. Surely. Luke and Jamie don’t think so and so Jamie just tells Luke and I to stand up. I do with Luke and I immediately slip unconscious for a second.

“Hey, Jesus Christ Michael, why don’t you ever help yourself?” Luke asks me and he thankfully caught me. I just groan a little and maybe I do need some water. Luke doesn't help himself either and it’s quite hypocritical really. Jamie just steps out of the room to get me a cup of water and I just thank her a little mumbled.

“I’m worried about you, I don’t want you to worry about me. I’m just dehydrated, that's all," I say to him and he knows it's more than that. He knows I slept barely two hours at the most while he was gone. I was beyond worried about him being out of my sight. I couldn't sleep and it was awful. I knew he was safe with Calum and really he was, it's just hard.  

“You’re absolutely exhausted. How much sleep did you get?” Luke asks me and I just groan because this is just setting me up to sound awful. Really I’m not that bad, this is a one time thing although I don’t tell Diane - my therapist - that I’ve been having daily panic attacks when I’m alone. Usually it’s while I’m in the car after dropping off Luke or going to my own therapy sessions, but sometimes my anxiety keeps me awake at night.

“An hour and a half - maybe?” I tell him and he just sighs. I don’t know how Luke managed this for months on end. I don’t know how he could function on an hour of sleep every night for weeks on end. It’s awful. I’ve done one night at less than an hour sleep and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever gone through myself. 

“I want to move into a place with you Michael. I love you and I want to spend every night with you forever because we both sleep best when we’re together, yeah?” He says to me and I don’t know where he got so wise and such a protector, but I agree entirely. We’ve been searching for places - Luke even suggested moving into his other Sydney home but being in that ten bedroom mansion with only us two seems rather lonely.

I end up drinking a bunch of water, thankfully feeling better and Jamie discusses with Luke the option of changing his meds again. Luke doesn’t feel as though his antidepressants are doing much. He’s still suicidal, maybe less often but the thoughts are still overwhelmingly here. He just wants them gone and that’s all we want too.

Luke doesn’t want to start new meds, every time he’s started new ones he’s been nauseous and irritable and he doesn’t want to go through another round of that. This will be the fourth type of antidepressants he’s been prescribed in the past three years he explains and she knows it’s hard, especially because he’s been on different meds for a long time. In a way it’s odd to know that all I’ve known is Luke on his meds.

That’s not to say that being on meds is a bad thing, it’s just that Luke drones on about him being on meds makes him not himself. I don’t know what that Luke not on meds is exactly like anyway. I don’t know if I want to know. I feel bad. I feel like I have every right to know. I feel like Luke has the right to not be on antidepressants if he decides he wants to figure this out without them, but then again, I don’t want him to go through that. Jamie would never recommend it.

Jamie suggests a stronger antidepressant - Paxil - but she runs through the list of side effects and I just hate them all so much. Luke too. He really doesn’t want to switch onto them because he doesn’t want the side effects - nausea, drowsiness, dizziness, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, weakness, dry mouth, sweating, blurred vision, and yawning along with alterations of personality. He already deals with a few of those issues and even Jamie is reluctant merely suggesting the medication.

Luke just asks about how much it would change his personality as if the other side effects weren’t an issue. Luke is told that the changes could include being more extraverted, calmer, less self-conscious, even-tempered, less shy, more vivacious, less sensitive to rejection, easier to feel happy. That’s what Jamie explains and Luke considers it all.

The blonde is just scared of a few of the side effects, but then again he’s got the same warning of possible side effects on his current meds. He’s scared about sleeping less, he’s scared about losing his appetite more, he’s been really good recently and he doesn’t want anything to fall apart. He’s also scared about how the tiredness may affect his performance in university.

Jamie is hopeful that the mood stabilizers along with new antidepressants and sleeping pills may be what keeps him happy and eliminates those awful suicidal thoughts. Luke doesn’t like the idea of being heavily medicated. He hates taking three different types of meds now, he doesn't want to take any stronger ones.

“Will I be able to function to a higher or lower level? Will I be happier and more productive or will I be so tired I can’t actually think?” Luke asks and Jamie really doesn’t know. She never knows, she never really knows at all and it’s difficult. I understand it’s different for everyone. I understand it’s all a guessing game until he’s on the new meds and Luke really doesn’t know what to decide.

“It’s up to you Luke. You can continue on your meds now, I can push for the dosage to be raised a little if you wish, but you’ve been on the highest dose of Sertraline for a while now of 200mg. I don’t want you to take any more than that for health reasons and because you’re seventeen 200mg is a push already. If you start Paxil, you’ll need to start on 20mg, then work your way up to 50 or even 60mg as the highest dose. It’s a far stronger medication and so Michael's parents would need to keep them out of your possession unless you’re taking what you need to take, right?” Jamie explains and Luke’s considering it all.

“And if we're moving out of Michaels family home to find a place of our own?” Luke asks and Jamie just explains that Luke would need to either trust himself with them or trust me with them. Luke’s thinking of it all and he has a question for Jamie regarding his current medication.
“Can Sertraline cause serotonin syndrome? I’ve just been feeling generally not great recently - Michael would probably agree that I’ve been aggravated and a bit all over the place. I was just wondering if it’s because of the meds or if I’m just an asshole,” Luke asks and Jamie hums about it for a while.

“It can cause serotonin syndrome, yes - but I feel as though if that were what’s causing your aggravation, you’d be a bit more miserable and ill than you are now. That’s why I try to check your blood pressure every time you’re in and you’ve been tracking alright, nothing drastic. I don’t think the mood stabilizers are miracle workers, Luke. You’re still going to have mood swings and that’s okay. Did you know that people with BPD are usually more empathetic than those without BPD?” Jamie asks and Luke didn’t know that.

“I’ve always labeled myself as very apathetic actually. I think I don’t fit into that statistic. But I do know that people with BPD tend to be unusually creative and I think that fits. I was also misdiagnosed with antisocial personality disorder before the BPD diagnosis and it scared my parents more than anyone else. My whole life really has been in and out of these places trying to diagnose me with something right so my parents could get the meds and attempt to fix me. I’m just thankful that you’ve found out what it is, you know?” Luke asks and Jamie understands.

“I get it Luke. BPD is so commonly misdiagnosed as Bipolar disorder or anxiety disorders, sometimes ADHD and even psychosis. Usually when you’re diagnosed everything almost feels right, yeah? I know you had that moment yeah, when I explained it to you and you thought yeah this explains me . It’s extremely upsetting that your parents never accepted it,” Jamie explains and Luke just nods along.

“Well, my father just didn’t want me to be like him I guess, so it meant that he had to deny it in his own mind. My father wasn’t entirely soulless, he had his moments. He had antisocial personality disorder and he refused to go to therapy or to take medication so he just got worse because he didn’t want to admit he wasn’t perfect,” Luke explains and he hardly ever talks about his father.

He doesn’t talk about his mother much either, even while she was alive, Luke didn’t ever talk much about her and what she was really like. In hindsight I understand why and there’s no crazy pressure for him to talk about her either. I understand, but he wants to talk now and he knows that I’ll listen whenever he’s ready.

“I guess my mother wasn’t okay with it either. It was like - she just fell apart after Ben died and I suppose it was only fair to blame me. I had been so angry at Ben that day, I’d told him how much I hated him and how I wished he weren’t my brother, then he ended up taking his own life and I was in such a deep state of shock that I didn’t do anything. It’s only fair that when I was diagnosed with BPD my mother wanted to punish me for everything. So she just refused to let me take my meds and it was hell. My father told me I was a liar. Said I was making up my emotions as a way to cope with killing Ben. It was the worst year - year and a half of my life. My mother only agreed to the medication after I tried to hurt myself and then her,” Luke explains and he’s opening up more to us both.

“How did you try to hurt her, Luke?” Jamie asks and it’s the same question I have.

“I tried to burn my house down. That’s why my room is the most up to date room in my Norwest home. I had gotten a bad score on my math test that she marked - which shouldn’t have been allowed in the first place and when I got home I completely trashed the place before she got home. When she got home I was in my room and I don’t exactly remember what led to everything, but I got my zippo and I lit the curtain on fire then stood in front of the door so neither of us could leave until my asthma got the better of me and I had to leave the smokey room before I legitimately died,” Luke explains and Jamie and I both knew about a fire and curtains incident, but not that story.
“I just wanted to scare her, that’s all. She thought I wanted to kill us both so she finally allowed me to start meds to stop the mood swings,” He explains and I see why.

“I’m sorry that you had to deal with your parents being that emotionally abusive, but your brother's death is far from your fault,” Jamie explains and Luke just shrugs. I know he’ll always blame himself for that night and nothing we say will change that, but he doesn’t exactly argue.

“I want to try the Paxil medication if that’s alright with you? I also want to do an immediate transition from my current meds to the Paxil ones. I promise I will be better doing it that way,” Luke explains and Jamie is reluctant but she says she can prescribe them today on 20mg. Then we can work from there. She tells us to keep very busy too so Luke can keep his mind off of the depression that will happen in the first few days of the medication switch. Luke just tells her that he’s already miserable so he’ll be fine.

I don’t crash on the way to the pharmacy to pick up Luke’s medication, nor do I crash on the way back home, but when we get home I crash on the couch and get a few hours because I’m exhausted when I entrust my mother with Luke’s new meds. She’s just glad to see us both.

I don’t dream, it’s reassuring almost - sleep feels all the more restful when there’s no dreams to think about and it’s nice. Luke sleeps on the other couch and when we wake up at dinner time, we’ve slept the day away. It’s reassuring really because we’ve both slept our exhaustion off and my parents want to talk to us about last night and the paparazzi shots.

“We saw the articles from last night. It looked very overwhelming. Are you and your friends doing alright?” My mother asks us as she cooks dinner and we sit in the dining room just chatting because sometimes it’s just nice to talk. Luke thinks so at least. He’s been loving talking to my parents recently.

“We’re okay. It only turned to shit because I got drunk. I only had two drinks, I’m just a lightweight and chose the strongest drinks there,” Luke explains and that’s an understatement. It was practically poisonous. It was practically straight liquor and Luke knew it. He wanted to get drunk and I just let him.

“Yeah? Talk to Jamie about that?” She asks and Luke just hums out a yeah. Luke’s gotten a lot more comfortable with my parents. The other day Luke called my dad ‘Dad’ and that just tore my father apart in a great way. Luke seemingly didn’t even realize he’d done it until my father teared up and then Luke too got emotional. My parent’s are all for Luke calling them Mum and Dad , but Luke only ever does it subconsciously. 

“It was good today with Jamie. I got new meds for my depression so it will hopefully sort out some of the suicidal thoughts I’ve been dealing with recently. I’ve got to take half a pill of my current meds tonight, then half tomorrow morning, then I can start my others tomorrow night if nothing crazy happens tomorrow,” Luke explains what Jamie explained to us both and my mother just nods along.

“Michael, when’s your next appointment with Diane?” My mother asks me and it’s not tomorrow - but the next day. I’m supposed to get back to her on whether or not I’m looking at taking meds to help, and it’s a difficult decision. I can talk to Luke about it tomorrow.

“Monday. Luke and I were properly thinking about moving out soon too. As soon as we choose a Uni we’ll move out if that's good with you?” I ask her, kind of just dropping it on her and she immediately stops what she’s doing.

“That’s soon. I’m fine with it, you’re an adult Michael, Luke - you’re almost an adult. Just stay safe, yeah? Think about security and those things,” My mother explains and Luke just nods, knowing a lot about how much security exactly he needs to keep everyone he cares about safe. He’s trying to keep us all safe and he’s always kept that in mind.

“Always thinking about security,” Luke voices and it’s exactly what I was just thinking. Luke’s been eating well and I think it’s because he’s been paying for groceries so we can buy better quality ingredients. Luke plans the meals with my mother for the week then goes with her to the grocery store to buy the ingredients we’ll need. Luke chose tonight's dinner - Kung Pao Tofu - and it smells amazing - I’ve just never tried tofu before and I’m nervous.

Luke got up to help my mother cook the tofu because she’s never cooked it before and Luke enjoys cooking with her. Even though he’s quite useless with everything in the kitchen, he’s good with words and articulating how something is to be done. He’s also alright with making sure things don't burn by stirring them around in a fry pan.

“I’m gonna go outside for a smoke before dinner, is that alright? Michael can come with me if you don’t want me out in the backyard alone or something?” Luke asks and my mother is fine with Luke going out alone and he just says cheers , something he doesn’t say often but he’s always happy when he does.

He’s not out there for long before he’s practically coughing up his lungs and he’s really gotta stop this. He’s laughing though between coughs because even he finds himself ridiculous sometimes. We all always worry about him, my mother quickly walks into the dining room to make sure he’s alright and I’m already trying to locate his inhaler, but he’s just laughing through his coughs.

He’s fine, really - but I just still worry. He was actually coughing, he does use his inhaler - two puffs to get his breathing right and I just punch him in the arm fairly aggressively. He just kisses me back and it ends up fairly heated. My mother tells us to cut it out and Luke just pulls the finger at her then immediately apologizes.

“I’m so sorry - I didn’t mean to do that - I wasn’t thinking-” He starts to panic about flipping my mother off all in good spirit and she quickly tells him that it’s fine. Luke does things like that sometimes. Tells people he hates them or flips them off without even thinking about it. He’s got no filter these days. Sometimes it makes for funny things being said. Other times he does shit like this.

“Dinner’s ready Luke anyway, it smells amazing,” My mother comments and we all sit at the table as my mother dishes up the meal. It looks amazing, it looks delicious and Luke looks excited to eat. Luke’s a fan of sparkling grape juice because it reminds him somewhat of wine, so each night we pretend to get drunk on the non-alcoholic red liquid.

It’s always good fun because we have wine glasses and Luke always raises a toast to ‘ legendary Canadian actor Ryan Reynolds ’ - because ‘ he’s hot ’. Tonight is no excuse, he raises a toast to Ryan Reynolds and we all have just learnt to say amen to satisfy his quirkiness and he clinks glasses with us all.

Then we pretend to be drunk - fake slurring our words and telling everyone we love them before we cut it out. Each night has been the same for the past week or so and it’s good fun. We always get it out of our systems before we all dig in and my parents have learnt to just deal with it for four or five minutes before we can all eat.

Dinner is amazing. Luke loves it and we cooked far too much so Luke ends up getting a second serving - as do I - and it’s good to see him eating. He’s been doing well, he still only eats what’s considered healthy food and he just loves this dinner more than words. He’s a health nut when he does eat and there’s nothing bad about that because he’s actually eating.

“This is the best! We have to have this all the time. Do you guys seriously not know how to use chopsticks? I got them for everyone and I’m the only person using them,” Luke remarks and I just shake my head because he knows that I don’t know how to use them. Nor do my parents, but Luke’s managing to eat rice with his chopsticks and that just feels like a piss-take.

“We’re not all multi-talented at random things like you are Lucas,” I say to him and he just pokes his tongue out at me, calling me uncultured. I continue to just use a fork and my parents do too, but Luke stays posh with his chopsticks as he eats his second serving. He manages to finish it and I'm honestly so proud of him. He takes half of his antidepressant as per Jamie's instructions after we manage to chop it in half and Luke eventually joins me on the couch to watch some TV to his dismay.

We end up watching the most recent spiderman film - the one with Andrew Garfield in it and I've always thought he was hotter than Tobey Maguire's spiderman. Luke tells me he's never seen a superhero film and I just pretend to be so shocked even though it doesn't really surprise me at all. He's so confused and he hates all of the medical talk in the movie to do with Doctor Conners, but he really doesn't understand what's actually going on at all. 

"Wait, so he's super strong or what? I have no fucking clue what's going on - Jesus - this shits like an acid trip in itself," Luke asks because he's so confused that it's ridiculous. I ask him how he doesn't understand what's going on and he just tells me he finds American accents so impossible to understand. Really he's just nod following along with the actual words of the movie, so I guess it makes sense that he doesn't understand. Why didn't he say anything? 

As I'm sitting here with Luke my phone buzzes and it's definitely odd to be getting an email at ten at night. Luke isn't nosy, he continues to watch the movie and I just open the email, doing a double take and immediately thinking it's a joke. I read it through three times, reading the email if the sender a few times too and I don't know whether or not to believe it. I don't. But it looks legit which is just stupid. 

"How can I tell if an email is from a legitimate sender?" I ask anyone in the room and it immediately piques everyone's interest. I turn off my phone before anyone can see the email and my Dad just pauses the movie. Luke sits up and asks me who it's from but I just say that they don't need to know until I figure out if it's real or not. I step out of the room for a while and I hear my parents talking to Luke about it, but the blonde has no idea what this is about. 

I do a lot of internet surfing, digging around and emailing a few people myself and I eventually come to the conclusion that it's definitely real. It's shocking really in a good way, but it has implications. I don't really know what to do, but I trot back into the living room after a while and everyone wants to know what the email was. 

"Uhm, kind of a big thing but it's difficult. A certain university was sent something by our high school of me, and they know I'm associated with Luke also, so they've offered me a scholarship if I'm willing to go," I say to them, explaining the bare minimum and I feel as though they only want me because I'm suddenly famous in a way for dating the richest person on the planet, but I don't dwell on that. 

"That's amazing Michael! Which uni is it? Is it one you applied to?" My mother asks me, everyone in the room smiling with pride and I just have to shake my head. I applied to most music universities in Australia, but that's where the problem lies. This university isn't in Australia. 

"It's in England. And I don't want to disappoint you guys but I don't want to go. I can't make myself do that," I say, getting worked up over this whole thing because I feel like I'm letting my parents down. I think about what Diane told me about panic. It's like a deer in the headlights moment of just stunned shock and your body can't do anything to stop it. She told me that feelings come in waves and the panic or anxiety will always wash away, but it doesn't feel like it right now. I was just asked to attend one of the best music schools in the world and now I'm having an anxiety attack because I don't want to go. God the world is fucked up. 

"Breathe Michael, you're not disappointing anyone if you don't want to go. It's just an option and opportunity that's rather good, yeah?" My mother speaks and it helps a bit for her to tell me that she's not disappointed, but my stupid mind just tells me that deep down she is disappointed. I start to hyperventilate as I stand here, avoiding everyone's eyes and I don't know what to do. I can't breathe, I can't think, so I can't come up with any ways to calm myself down. 

"Hey - shit - Michael, breathe baby. You've got to get some air in babes, you're alright," Luke explains, trying to get me to breathe, but my panic is setting him off and he's panicking too. We're like ticking time bombs, setting each other off and it's so scary really. I can't breathe and I know I've now caused Luke to panic too. Nothing is helping and my mother tries to calm me down as my father calms down Luke. 

"Michael, breathe - in and out, you're okay. I'll never be disappointed in you, I could never be disappointed. You're the best son I could ever ask for, even if you don't go to Uni, I'll be proud of you," She explains and it's helping. I manage to take a few breaths and I notice how Luke's just biting his lip ring, avoiding my father's eyes as he scratches at his arms. He's mumbling something not in English as he scratches at his arms in a state of pure panic and I snap out of my own panic quickly at that. My Dad is just trying to help Luke. 

"Luke, stop scratching your arms kiddo, you're hurting yourself. I understand you feel scared right now, but listen to me. Breathe with me, you're going to be okay," He says and Luke's just trying to calm himself. I still don't know why he scratches his arms, but it's just as nerve wracking and honestly difficult every time I see him do it. It's such mind fuckery because it's so hard to see someone hurt themselves. 

"Please stop talking. Please - it's too fucking much, please - I'll calm down in silence," Luke manages to choke out and we all fall into immediate silence at that. He's calming down a bit, he's focusing on his breathing and he manages to calm it all down until he's actually breathing, his breaths steady and eyes closed as we all stay deathly silent. I've never seen Luke beg for silence before. It's something new. 

He's crying but he isn't panicking, but in his panic he managed to curl up on himself and now he's just hiding his face in his knees as he hides in the fetal position on the couch. He's majorly overwhelmed, but he's also just scared and it hurts a lot. My mother is making sure I'm still alright and I just want her to worry about Luke too who just begged for silence. 

"I'm sorry - I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me - I need alone time. Is that okay?" He asks, his voice muffled a little because he doesn't move at all before he speaks and no one is going to deny him alone time, so my father just tells him it's definitely okay and Luke stands to go to the spare room. He's just trying desperately to wipe away tears and I don't know why I set him off so awfully. 

"I'll check on him," My mother says and I don't think it's the best idea for her to go in there right now, but then again I don't have fears that Luke would ever hurt my Mum. I'm fine, really I am. I've been dealing with this for a while and it isn't so much of a problem as I make it out to be. It's a short burst of panic then just nothing and it's manageable. 

"Michael, are you okay? I feel like I haven't spoken to you properly in so long. You never used to panic like this," My father asks when my Mum leaves the room and I don't want to have this conversation with him. He's one of those guys that just is such a guy that sometimes it's exhausting. I don't want to talk to him about feelings and shit. But now he's asked me, I feel like he's somewhat interested. 

"I just used to hide it better. I'm fine, sometimes when something is just really overwhelming I panic, but it's not that bad," I try to brush it off, I always try to do this, but my Dad knows that I'm not telling the entire truth. It is bad. I panic until I can't panic anymore and then I pass out. Sometimes I just cry, sometimes I get it under control like today, but other times it's bad and I just can't handle it. 

"I don't know Mike. I know that you're comparing yourself to Luke and that's why you don't think your panic attacks are bad, but they're still getting in the way of happiness and functioning in scary situations. Consider the meds Diane is suggesting, yeah?" My Dad says and I just nod because I don't want to feel this way anymore. I hate feeling so panicked. 

I'm going to talk to Luke about taking meds, I know he hates them, but I need his opinion on the matter. I need to somehow however, make sure Luke has calmed down from his panic. It was an odd attack, he was scared, petrified even, and all he wanted was silence to calm him down. I don’t know what was going on in his mind, but he’s worrying me. Everything was going so well.

“Hey Michael? Luke wants to chat with you,” My mother speaks softly and I just finally move from where I stood panicking moments ago because I’ll always be here for Luke. I’ll always love him and be his shoulder to cry on when he needs it. I’ll listen to him and I’ll back him on every decision he makes. I love him more than I could ever express.
“Just be quiet, yeah? He’s quite overwhelmed,” My mother says and I’ll do anything to make sure Luke is comfortable and safe.

I walk into the spare room and Luke is just sitting in the fetal position with his hands clasped over his ears. I don’t understand what’s wrong. I don’t understand why he’s so opposed to noise right now but it’s really worrying. Jamie and I have talked with Luke about his panic attacks and what they mean exactly for Luke.

We talked about how to calm him and how to identify what exactly is happening. He dissociates, that one I’ve had to deal with a bit in the past with the other boys around and when we’re alone. He just blinks out of reality for a while and we’ve discovered that just holding his hands and squeezing them lightly seems to be the easiest way to just pull him out of the episode.

He also just plain panics, sobbing and screaming and fighting everyone away from him as he hyperventilates and lives through utter hell. During times like those in hindsight he says that talking calmly and not being afraid to hug him and shush him is what helps. But this is so different. He’s completely in sensory overload because his eyes are squeezed shut as he covers his ears and he used to do this what feels like lifetimes ago.

“You okay angel?” Is all I ask, standing at the door, speaking softly and Luke just opens his eyes to look up the muffled sound he must have heard. His iris’s always look far bluer when he’s been crying and around his eyes are puffy and pink. He looks so scared. He just looks utterly terrified but he looks at me like I can provide him with an answer about how to save himself from this panic. It’s heartbreaking.

“I can’t think. It’s too much,” Is all he whispers and he’s so scared. His voice was shaky as he whispered, everything he’s thinking clearly terrifying him and I just slowly approach him as he continues to hyperventilate and choke on sobs. I don’t know how he managed to tell my mother that he wanted to talk to me whilst in this state, but by the trust in his eyes, I know he really wants me here.

“What’s too much lovely? Can I touch you?” I keep my voice down despite him still covering his ears and he just shakes his head quickly, not wanting me anywhere near him as such. I keep a small distance between us and I just want to hug him but he really doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want me to touch him or speak too loudly. He too whispers when he speaks.

“Everything is just so much. I need silence and I’ll calm down. I’m so scared,” Is all he says and I hate that he’s scared. I hate that I don’t have any way of comforting him right now, but the best I can do is just hope that silence does fix this. I stay quiet, I give him time to just close his eyes and breathe.

He does manage to calm down, eventually opening his eyes once more and taking his palms off of his ears to test if the noise won’t overwhelm him. He just hugs me, he initiates the hug by holding out his arms to me and I’m just glad that hell is over.

“I’m glad you’re okay baby. Do you know what set it off? Do you want to talk about it?” I keep my voice down just to stay safe as he buries his head in my chest and he’s so small today. He’s been far more in touch with displaying his emotions recently. Jamie explained that it’s because he’s now open with his BPD in front of us. He’s no longer scared to display his emotions so we see them more often.

“Your panic set it off, but then it just spiraled from there. It’s nowhere near your fault, I’m so unstable recently and the sensory overload of the heat here and your panic and everything just overwhelmed me and I feel so crazy,” Luke explains but he’s far from crazy. Luke’s the least crazy person I know, I’m crazier than Luke, Ashton and Calum are crazier than Luke.

“You’re far from crazy, beautiful. You’re maybe a little weird and kind of out there, but I wouldn’t say you’re crazy or anything along those matters,” I explain to him and he just laughs at that thank goodness. Luke is a weird person, that’s for sure. He’s eccentric, he’s got his quirky out there moments, and they always surprise me.

“Weird is definitely the adjective I’d use to describe me. It’s a very descriptive word,” Luke explains and that’s definitely true. He has times where he just dances around in a public place because he wants to have fun. He started reciting the fourth amendment the other day in the park as he and our friends all hung out. He just climbed to the top of the playground and declared himself James Madison as he started reciting the damn thing, only stopping when I started tickling to just get him to shut up.

"Yeah Lu, you're fucking weird. You're the weirdest person I know, but far from the craziest," I say to him and he just nods along, agreeing entirely that he's weird and that just proves everything really. You've got to be pretty fucking weird to admit that you're weird and Luke's just agreeing with me wholeheartedly. 

“I’m such a weirdo, so true. I’m like this because I don’t want to be boring. Imagine being boring. No one in our little group is boring and that’s why I love them so much,” Luke explains and I suppose being entirely boring would be awful. Ashton and Calum are honestly crazy, they’re such crazy weirdos themselves and I’m glad I associate myself with fucking weirdos.

“I think you and Ash get along so well because you’re both so weird. You’ve both gone through a lot but you’re both people who just shine and lift others up. It’s so beautiful really,” I say to him and he definitely agrees with me.

“I feel like that’s a given though. I’ve been trying harder recently to make a goof out of myself to make other people happy. I only do it because I know people never did that for me. I write about my feelings in music because I feel like I need to give back to people who feel scared to express what they’re feeling. I’ve been thinking a lot about what trauma does to a person, I think it’s helped me grow as a person. I think I want to record more music. I think I’ve finished the one I started before Mum passed,” Luke explains and he hasn’t shown me that one yet.

“Do you want to show it to me?” I ask him and he just shakes his head.

“Not right now. I can kind of hear how I want it to sound in my mind and I’ll show you when I’ve finished recording it. It’s going to be a bit difficult,” Luke explains and I don’t doubt it - Luke likes to set challenges for himself and I know that he can write a crazy song when he’s up to it. He can play every instrument necessary to record a great piece of music, so I know he’ll record something great.

“Give me your three words you’d use to describe it,” I practically beg of him to give me something and he just sighs, thinking about it a little before he finally gives me the three words and they weren’t what I was expecting.

“ Ethereal, Water, Big . I hope that was very informative. I’ve been humming the same melody for about a month now so it shouldn’t be too shocking when you finally hear it,” He says to me and I just nod along, thinking about that beautiful melody he’s been humming for days. Luke thinks in music, everything swirls around his head in key signatures, lyrics and music notes and I think it’s rather poetic of him.

“Very informative. You’ve really decorated this room, huh. It’s more personalized than your room was at your place,” I say to him taking a look around the room for the first time in a while. I hardly come down here and if I do - looking around the room is far from the top of priorities in my mind.

He spent a whole day last week moving everything out of the room so that he and my father could paint the walls purple. I’m surprised my parents let him do it, but in all fairness he paid for the paint and promised he’d cook dinner for everyone that night too. It looks nice, it’s homely and Luke likes it a lot. He’s moved a lot of books over from his house to mine and he’s gotten lost in the world of literature a lot once more since his mothers passing.

“Well I knew I’d find it easier to cope if I was very comfortable with where I am. That’s why we changed the walls. Purple is a comforting color, I like it in here. I’ve written so much since Mum and Dad and everything fell apart. I’ve been thinking of recording a few along with taking a few from recordings I’ve already done to maybe compile a project to release into the world. Does that sound okay?” Luke asks and I don’t know why he’s asking me. Of course it’s fine. Great even.

“Are you shitting me Luke? Of course it sounds okay! I think you should definitely do it!” I say to him smiling him as I just pull him in for a kiss and he’s smiling too. He says okay - okay and he’s laughing out his words because we’re both being ridiculous. We sleep together and it’s nice and refreshing to get a full eight hours. Luke manages about five hours according to him and I’m just glad.

In the morning Luke has cereal because he’s taken a liking to chocolate cereal and oat milk recently. Luke never eats chocolate or anything unhealthy apart from the cereal, so my parents let him have it every single morning that he wants it.

“Maybe if you had real chocolate it would solve every problem you’ve ever had,” I suggest and he just scoffs telling me I’m ridiculous. He’s so opposed to unhealthy foods unless it happens to be this exact cereal and he’s ridiculous.

“I don’t think you understand just how unhealthy chocolate is. I’m surprised that you’re still a stick with the amount of chocolate you inhale on a daily basis. Potato crisps too - like, how do you stay so thin? It’s not like you work out,” Luke points out and I just flip him off before attempting to even comprehend it myself.

“I have a fast metabolism, it’s great. I can eat whatever I want and I just stay skinny but it means I’ve gotta eat a lot. I like chips and chocolate, so that’s what I eat,” I explain to him and he’s just eating his cereal as I talk, also eating cereal but with regular milk and opting for corn flakes rather than the chocolatey food Luke’s eating. Very turned tables of us.

“Mm, can’t relate. I can’t really have chocolate because I can’t really have dairy. Every day is a test with this cereal because it’s not dairy free chocolate. Pure chocolate is dairy free, but this isn’t and I can practically feel my insides curse me out right now,” Luke says to me and he’s seriously stupid sometimes. Luke explained to me a while back that when he's had a significant amount of dairy he gets very nauseated and sometimes very ill. 

"Well don't throw up on me or anything you psycho. Are you going to the studio today or do you wanna make plans with the others?" I ask Luke and he just shrugs about the whole thing. It's not much help, but I know he's mulling it all over in his mind. He's thinking of an answer for me and it takes longer than I thought it would, but he eventually gives me something. 

"Make plans to bring everyone to the studio. I want to try something," Luke explains but doesn't elaborate when I ask him to. I suppose we can manage that. He's in an odd headspace, he takes the half of his antidepressant and I think this whole thing is messing with his mind a little. He's taking less of the drug he needs to take more of so he can switch over to something that should grant that. He's thinking about it a lot and he's been rather preoccupied in his mind recently. 

"What's on your mind Luke?" I ask him and he just shakes his head a little, telling me that it's unimportant for now. I reluctantly don't press for an answer and eventually we manage to text the address of the studio Luke purchased to the others and everyone confirms that they'll leave when they've all had breakfast and gotten ready. Luke's so glad and I'm honestly glad too. 

Today is beyond hot. It's nearing forty degrees and so being in a private, air conditioned studio seems like the best place to be honestly. Luke takes the hot weather as an opportunity to wear a skirt - it's a plaid, pleated black and white skirt - and he pairs it with a black shirt that's almost really a vest. It's nice. It's got no sleeves so his arms are showing off which have scars littering his skin from wrist to shoulder, but it's a part of who he is as Luke tells me. He wears white socks and black shoes and it all goes together so well. 

He also decorates his eyelids with silver glitter and pretty eyeliner and he's really pieced together a great summer outfit. I just wear the usual - band tee and this time shorts - and Luke loves me all the same. I don't give a fuck about what people say about what I wear. I can do whatever I want because others' opinions shouldn't stop me. Luke agrees with that in what he wears, but we get judged for very different reasons. 

Luke wears the angel necklace my parents got him for Christmas practically every day, but he's swapped it out for the one I got him this time around. It suits the vibe of the day really and Luke's just such a model really. I drive us to the studio after bidding my parents goodbye and I really need to get my own car. Luke and I sing the whole way to the studio and Luke jokes that it's a vocal warm up. Really he's just eccentric and wants to have fun. 

When we get there, Fay and Calum are already there, still sitting in their car because it's far too hot outside for them to wait there. They look nice, Fay is wearing a short, ruffled, white dress with daisies decorating the fabric and she's wearing white flats. Calum is Calum, so he's wearing a football tank top along with shorts and sneakers. He's such a bloke that it scares me sometimes. 

This is not the first time Luke's worn a skirt in front of our friends. He's worn them a few times as he's purchased many more in different styles and colors and we all love the skirts. The girls always love Luke's makeup and it's honestly funny how much those three have bonded. They treat Luke as another one of the girls, but we treat him like one of the guys, so I suppose his gender fluidity really gets tested sometimes. He fucking loves it. 

When the other two lovebirds arrive, it's as Luke's unlocking the place because its far too hot to stand here any longer. They look nice too, KayKay's wearing black tights and a nice black crop top and Ash is just wearing a long sleeve shirt and long pants because he never seems to feel the damn heat. We all file into the room that I've only seen once - the others being unaware that Luke even purchased this place - and Luke immediately manages to find the light switch to light the windowless room so he can turn on the air conditioning. 

"Right, this is my recording studio. I purchased it because I needed a space to write and record and I got a moving company to move the piano from my Norwest home to here, along with like ten guitars and three bass's. The other room off to the side has a drum kit and I've been here a few times with the past owner to understand how to use everything. I just wanted to show you all," Luke explains and he really is a rich bastard. It's times like these that I remember that. 

"Jesus fuck - you have some sick instruments in here Luke," Calum marvels and they aren't from his Norwest home. At least some of them aren't. The blue Gibson is here, along with the red hollow bodied Gibson, but there are other guitars I've never seen before. Anyone driving in this direction wouldn't even know this was a studio, so his guitars are safe here, it's just so odd to me that he trusts it all here. 

"My favorite is the Thunderbird IV bass. I got it in the beginning of the year for $23,000 and it's a beautiful instrument. There's only eighty seven of these in the world, so that's why it's ridiculously expensive. I also like my left handed 1969 Fender Mustang. It makes me feel like Kurt Cobain when I play it," Luke explains and Ashton just gapes at the price of the bass. Luke just grabs the left handed guitar off of the wall and he sits down with it on the floor despite the six seats in the room. 

"Didn't know you played guitar left handed Luke," I say to him and he just tells me there's still so much that I don't know about him. It's fair, there is a lot about Luke that's a mystery, but that doesn't upset me. I know he's opening up more and more every day, so I'll never pressure him to tell me anything he hadn't freely shared yet. 

"You know, since Ash kissed me the other day, I only find it fair that we all get to kiss one another," Luke blurts out and the shock on KayKay's face is brilliant. Even on Calum and Fay, the shock is great and I honestly find his proposition great. I don't know what's gotten into me today, but I think it's a good idea. 

"Hey, don't make it sound like that! I kissed him because he made something that helped Harry. I didn't mean it in that way at all and he knows it," Ashton says and he's getting overly defensive. KayKay however must decide that Luke's idea is great too because she just approaches me and presses a long kiss to my lips. The room falls into silence and much like Ash said after kissing Luke, the whole thing can definitely confirm one’s sexuality. I'm definitely gay. 

"Okay, who's next?" Is all KayKay asks when she pulls away and Ashton is in deep shock. Luke looks beyond pleased with himself and the other two just look so utterly confused as to what exactly is going on. But we're all chill and classify that none of this means anything at all. Luke just really wants this and everyone else must do too because Luke gets what he wants. 

KayKay kisses Luke next and I find myself locking lips with my childhood best friend as Fay kisses Ash. It's odd, it's not bad because Calum is admittedly hot, but I don't love it like I love kissing Luke. There’s absolutely no sparks of love or anything like that, and Cal and I really just end up in a fit of laughter because it’s so ridiculous. Everyone's kind of making out too and it's actually quite weird, but we're all weird. We're all good with this and it's a weird experience. 

I like watching Calum and Ashton kiss while Luke and I stand here, paired up this round and knowing we made out all morning in bed anyway. Luke's watching Fay and KayKay make out and it's all so strange, but everyone's just joking around. Cal and Ash didn't like that much, but the girls seem to be having fun. 

Fay is a good kisser. I'm still convinced I'm gay, but she kisses well. The last person to make out with is Ashton and it's just as underwhelming as kissing everyone else. Luke's loved every kiss he's gotten, me - not so much - but now at least we're on a level playing field. All of us. No one wants to steal anyone else, it's actually made our bonds with our partners stronger. 

"You all just made my day and fulfilled my pansexual fantasies. We won't speak of this from now on, but I just wanna say it was fucking great to participate and to watch" Luke explains before he just continues on as if nothing just happened. We're all all good, it was almost refreshing and no one looks like they regret any of that. That's also good. 

“God you’re weird,” Is all Calum says and Luke definitely agrees once more with that fact. I think that Luke’s really just embracing it all these days and I personally love seeing him like this.

“Yeah, of course I’m a weirdo, did you ever meet the people who raised me? A psychopath murderer for a father and an alcoholic, abusive high school teacher for a mother raising you really brings out the weird in a person,” Luke says and he didn’t need to say that. He’s almost gotten a little too casual with these things but I know it’s his way of dealing with it all.

“Luke…” I find myself trailing off his name because he looks at me like I’m an asshole. Really he can say whatever he wants about his parents. They’re his parents after all. But I think being this chill and relaxed about it all isn’t really healthy. Especially around our friends. He’s just tired and mad and he’s going to say something he’ll regret.

“What? It’s true. I was neglected by both of my parents until I was about ten years old and I didn’t know them much at all unless it was when my father was taking his anger out on my brothers or myself or when my mother was drunk, crying and blaming us. Of course I’m a fucking weirdo,” Luke says and he’s passionate with anger in his eyes.

Of course no one says anything. It’s not the kind of thing that you just comment on all willy nilly. Luke’s upset and rightfully so, but he’s also being a bit of a dick and everyone is aware of the fact that he’ll come round in a few minutes, regretting ever saying anything, so no one encourages the behavior.

“Hello? Are you all blatantly ignoring me? It’s a pretty shitty thing to do to a person guys. Especially since I’ve now made out with everyone in this room. Why the fuck are you all just looking at me and not saying anything?” Luke asks and he’s getting pissed off. No one wants to say anything that will frustrate him more, nor to encourage this, so silence is all we give him. He’ll get over it.
“That’s real fucking low guys,” Is all he says, taking one of the guitars into the room with the drumkit, closing the door behind him to offer himself silence and a place to blow off a little steam.

“He’s okay, just gotta calm himself a little. He’s switched medications again so he’s probably gonna be a little off for a while,” I explain to the others and they just nod. It’s not even ten seconds later that Luke quickly hurries out of that room, closing the door behind him and looking beyond petrified. Confused on my behalf would be an understatement.

“Is anyone good with spiders? Jesus fucking Christ,” Luke asks and oh . I just laugh lightly because I for one am great with spiders and Luke looks all but amused. He’s actually shaking which is beyond funny in my eyes, but Fay also looks terrified. Clearly she’s not a massive fan of spiders.

“What type of spider is it? Little one or a big one?” I ask, approaching the room because I don’t have any fear related to spiders at all. Luke stutters a little bit, trying to articulate what type of spider it is and he’s honestly ridiculous.

“A fucking big one! Why else would I be freaking out like this? It’s a fucking huntsman and it’s just on the wall on the left when you walk in,” Luke says, his voice shaky as he speaks and it’s really freaked him out this one. I just open the door and he moves far away from the room, overreacting just a little if you ask me.

He’s not wrong though. It’s one of the biggest huntsman spiders I’ve seen in a long time, just spread out on the wall, showing off really. I just smile, it’s a beautiful creature and it doesn’t know any better. It’s just exploring. Luke tells me to kill it - I’d do no such thing and I tell everyone to take a look at it.

"What're you gonna do Mike? Pick it up and take it outside?" Ashton asks me when he takes a look at it from the doorway and I suppose so. I can't just pick it up, their exoskeletons are fragile and I don't want to hurt the poor thing. We need a container or something and a bit of paper to take it outside. Either that or just let it crawl on to me and hope it just stays there like a good boy. 

"Maybe, unless someone happens to have a container but I don't think so. Huntsman can drop or jump - whatever you wanna call it, but they tend to like me so I'll just see if it wants to crawl on to me," I say to him and Luke just calls out that I'm insane. It's not going to hurt me. The worst it can do is bite and that's only a brief pain since they aren’t poisonous.

“There is no way you’re going to let that crawl on to you Michael,” Fay says, taking a peak into the room and I don’t see why not. It’s a male huntsman, a smaller body but longer legs and they’re such quick spiders when they want to be. It can’t hurt anyone, it looks rather friendly so I just hold my hand out to it slowly, touching the wall so it can make a safe transfer over to my hand.

Everyone thinks I’m crazy for this, Luke isn’t even anywhere to be seen, he’s hiding out in the main room as far away as possible from the spider and he really is a scaredy cat sometimes. The spider does end up freely crawling onto my hand and just sitting there and it’s actually kinda cool. It’s as big as my hand really, so I see why they’d find this scary, but it’s not too nerve racking.

“I’ll just take it outside,” I say to them and everyone steers clear of me by a mile. I’m the only person I know who’s chill around spiders like this, but I’ve just never been scared of them. I was the only person brave enough on a school trip to Taronga Zoo to let the tarantula chill with me, so people tend to know that I’m not scared of the animals.

Luke however clearly isn’t a spider guy. He told me a while back that he hates them along with snakes, but Ashton is the snake guy. He loves the reptiles more than he could ever express really and I suppose they’re also kind of cool. Growing up in Australia exposes you to all kinds of creepy crawlies, so we’re kind of immune to it all.

I manage to take it outside to the scorching heat and I manage to set it down in the bushes outside the place. It’s free, Luke’s place is now spider free - we think - and everyone can go about their lives now. Luke’s still shaken, but at least he’s not angry like he was previously. He’s mellowed out and I’m beyond thankful.

“Is the room safe?” Luke asks and I would assume the spider just waltzed right in the creaked open window in the room, so I would say so. I close the window, the air conditioning has us cool enough anyway so it doesn’t need to be open. It was more of a theft invitation anyway because it was definitely open when we got here.

“Spider-free zone young Louka. What did you want to show us all? You brought us here for a reason, yeah?” I ask Luke and he just nods, ridding his mind of the spider completely as I watch his mind race. You can just tell when Luke’s mind is racing. There’s a certain look in his eyes along with a certain posture change and it’s odd how you can tell when he’s thinking too fast.

“Right! You lot play music right? I wanted your help with recording something. Michael plays the guitar and piano, Ashton plays the drums, Calum plays bass, what do you two play?” Luke asks the girls and they both look a little flustered at that. 

"Oh uh, I don't play anything. I was a part of a girls choir back in Canada though," Fay explains and we all turn to KayKay at that for her answer. 

"I'm a pretty damn good triangle player, but that's about it," She says and it causes everyone to laugh because that was quick thinking on her behalf. That's why she and Ashton get along so well. They're witty but they also level each other out. KayKay is awkward and very introverted when she wants to be, but Ash is the most extraverted person I know. Opposites attract. 

"Okay, I want to hear you all play. Ashton, you play Jazz - are you good at improv?" Luke asks and Ashton being the show off he is, he just says yeah and so Luke takes him into the drumkit room, sitting at the kit himself with drumsticks as Ash just watches. They've ever heard Luke go wild on the drums, but I have and I just know Ash will be impressed. 
"I like cymbals, that's why there's so many here, because I set up my drumkits like this. I think it’s just a comfortable place for the toms and the snare to be,” Luke explains and I’d noticed that his drum kits have a few more cymbals than usual. It’s a massive kit really.

“It’s badass Luke. It’s so cool, you’ve got extra toms and shit too? That’s so cool,” Luke explains and I just love them bonding. Luke invites Ashton to play, but Ashton just says that he’s never heard Luke play and he wants to hear that fist. Luke’s heard Ash play in the school band, so it’s only fair that Luke plays now. We all just kind of watch from the doorway, Ashton and Luke the only two actually in the room.

“I don’t know what to play. I like the drum part for Knights Of Cydonia by Muse. Actually I like all the parts for that song,” Luke explains and he just starts playing the whole drum bit for that. He’s enjoying himself. Ash is in awe of Luke’s playing and I suppose he didn’t think Luke would be as good as he is.

“Damn Luke, I didn’t realize how good of a drummer you are. You’re far better than I am, why the hell am I here?” Ash asks with a laugh and Luke just pouts, saying he’s not that good but he’s just being humble. He knows that he’s good at playing practically every instrument ever, but he doesn’t want to verbalize that.

“I’m not as good as you. I’m an awkward drummer, you’re loose and natural. I think it’s because you’re a Jazz drummer and I’m a lover of thrash metal and learnt how to play that,” Luke explains and Ash just nods along, both of them being drum nerds at heart.

“Yeah? I like rock, maybe not thrash metal but definitely rock and yeah - jazz,” Ashton explains and Luke nods, understanding completely. Ash started playing drums when we started high school five years ago, so he’s quite the player really. Luke’s been playing longer than that, I’m aware of that much - so it’s not a massive surprise he’s more well versed in it.

“I love Iron Maiden. That’s what I grew up listening to because Jack loves that shit. I played a lot of it too on guitar and the drums, like Run To The Hills;” Luke explains, playing that familiar drum part to the famous song and Ash just thinks it’s so cool. Luke has a great memory to remember how to play so many songs, but then again I know quite a few guitar songs and it really just comes down to muscle memory sometimes.

“Well what’s your favorite band then? I know how much you love music, but what’s your favorite?” Ashton asks and Luke has to really think about this one. He doesn’t really know what to say at all, it’s another existential crisis moment for him as he thinks about it very thoroughly as if it were a life or death question.

“I like Slayer. They’re probably my absolute favorite because I have every single one off their vinyl pressings and all of their CD’s and cassettes and shit. But I’m a sucker for Nirvana on a good day, maybe some Blink-182 or Green Day if I’m feeling particularly emo. But yeah, I’m a very big thrash metal fan,” Luke explains and it’s still so funny. Luke, who writes acoustic guitar ballads and plays classical music in his spare time is a thrash metal fan. It’s hilarious.

“Play something of theirs,” Ashton requests and it ends up turning into a bigger mission than that. Luke decides that setting up the whole thing is a great idea, so he just plugs his phone into something that blares the music both through his headphones here and the actual mixing room we entered in. He tells us all to go out into that room because it’ll be loud and we all obey, taking seats in the room so we can all listen to Luke play a thrash metal song. It’s so unlike his character, but it also fits and I don’t know how to explain it.

It’s absolutely insane. That’s how I’d describe the whole thing, but Luke doesn’t half-ass the job. We can all watch him play through the glass, although the room is soundproof and the drums obviously are being picked up by mics in there, mixing Luke’s playing with the track also being blared to us. It’s just so cool to see him let go and just absolutely lose his mind whilst drumming and I’m always so impressed with drummers.

He does play the whole song and by the time it’s over he’s a sweaty mess but he’s happy and we all probably have developed some kind of hearing loss in the best way possible. It was damn loud but it needed to be. Everyone just gives him a round of applause and he’s so smiley. He can’t hear us through the soundproof walls, but he can see us and he leans into the mic to communicate, out of breath but smiley.

“You guys are the worst. Fuck - it’s been a long time since I’ve played that. I think I pulled a muscle,” He breathes out into the mic and he’s ridiculous. Hey gets up and joins us again, sweaty and somewhat out of breath and I just think it's funny and somewhat gross. Being sweaty is gross. 
"Aw, you won't kiss your beautiful fiancé because they're sweaty? Clearly it’s not true love,” Luke says with a pout and he’s an idiot.

“One kiss,” I say to him and he just wraps me in a hug, getting sweat all over me and I never should have trusted him. He’s gross, he presses kisses all over my face and Ashton just laughs at the whole thing.

“Mission accomplished. Now Ash, you have to play something,” Luke says, offering up the drumsticks and he’s excited to just mess around. Luke gets us all to mess around, playing instruments, singing out hearts out to whatever music is playing and it’s honestly a blast. I wonder for a moment if this is what being a musician feels like, but I suppose there’s more pressure for artists. We’re just six friends messing around.

Chapter Text

Luke’s got monitors set up in here with the same program he uses at his Paris home, along with what was used at Gray’s place and he’s been recording our shenanigans. Some of it sounds nice, some of it’s messy and full of laughter, but Luke absolutely thinks in music notes because he messes around with it for a while, some of the chords I was playing, the beat Ash was drumming out lightly and he gets Cal to play the bassline according to the chords. He’s doing something .

He then says that ‘ this shit needs some spacy-ass synth ’ to quote him and I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, but he hops over to the keyboard in the other room that’s by the piano and he starts to fuck around with the chords a little, making it sound almost - alienish. He’s eccentric and dancey as he listens to whatever’s being played on his headphones and I don’t know what the hell he’s doing, but he’s having fun.

He then comes back out to the monitor he’s been working off of, fiddling with what he just played on the keyboard and we’re all just so invested in what he’s doing despite not hearing it at all. He tells us it’s an idea and he runs out to the car to grab out the notebook he’s been writing in recently.

“Can you guys help me with this? It’s just like what we’ve been going, I can show you the drum fill I was thinking and we can record from there?” Luke asks, briefly showing us lyrics that he keeps to himself for now. Ash is all in, so Luke just shows him what he was thinking, eventually messing around with it a little as he and Ash figure it all out. I think it sounds sick and Luke opens up a new recording, playing a beat track in the headphones for Ash to stick to and he plays the thing a few times through for Luke until the blonde is satisfied.

Luke then goes through some chords with me, just to set a foundation of the song and I just think it’s brilliant how his mind works. He’s got the chords in his head somewhat and he has the lyrics down, so he gets me to play the chords on the piano as he plays the melody he’s thinking of on the keyboard rather than humming it. It’s something different completely to what he’s been humming recently - it’s more upbeat sounding.

“That’s good. I think it’s a good idea. I’ll use that definitely. Thank you guys so much. It takes a while, but I’ll probably come back here soon and fiddle with it all then one day I’ll show you. Was there anything anyone wanted to do somewhere else in this intense heat?” Luke asks and he has a very hyperactive mind sometimes, moving from thing to thing before they’re necessarily finished. This is one of those things. He saves the recording and we’re done here clearly.

“We could check out a place to swim? Probably get third degree burns or something though today,” Calum suggests and we’d definitely get beyond burnt. I can’t stand in the Aussie sun for more than five minutes without getting burnt, Luke too. The others are less pale than we are, but it’d still be a test.

“Michael and I would fry like eggs. We have to go somewhere air conditioned or I’ll probably just die on the spot,” Luke explains and I second that statement. Luke isn’t used to Aussie Summers, he spends his summer holidays in France when it’s winter there. All he knows is winter and so this summer is hitting him hard.

“Well, we could go to the markets, they’re always nice and a little sheltered,” Ashton suggests and Luke doesn’t really know. His reasons for everything are very valid because he has a point with what he says next.

“Wherever I go in Sydney now I have to be sneaky. I have to wear a hat and maybe glasses or boring clothes so no one spots me. I don’t want to deal with paparazzi again, they’re everywhere and that last time we got bombarded - it caused me to absolutely spiral,” Luke explains and none of us want that either.

“I think we can be sneaky. There are a lot of teenager friend groups here, put on a hat, wear your glasses and wear Mikes clothes then you’ll be practically invisible to anyone who might recognize you,” Ashton explains and Luke just scoffs a little.

“I think I stand out in ways that a hat can’t hide. I’m fucking six foot four for gods sake. I think I have a pretty recognizable face and whatnot,” Luke explains and fair , but some people wouldn’t know how tall he is unless they really know what they’re looking for. I just assure him it’ll be fine and he trusts me. We have to go to my place or one of his houses to find some more inconspicuous clothes, but Luke just tells Ash or someone to find a shop close enough to just buy a shirt and pants that he’d like. He gives Kaykay and Ash a hundred dollar bill and trusts them to get something nice.

They end up just buying some shorts and a plain black shirt along with a grey cap and he’s very thankful. He just strips right here and now in front of everyone because he really doesn’t care, but everyone turns away from him apart from me because although he may be comfortable with stripping down to his underwear in front of everyone, they may not be comfortable with that.

He doesn’t say anything, he just gets changed and we can finally leave this studio once Luke’s turned off the air conditioning, the lights, and locked up. Luke tells us that using three cars to get somewhere is extremely environmentally inconsiderate and he seems to forget that he smokes three cigarettes a day and contributes directly to air pollution. At that he just shuts up and says fine .

He rides with me as per usual and the others drive their partners. Really it’s nice being in a group of three couples. We’re all great at getting along and so it makes everything a lot easier. Luke is just as eccentric as always in the car and it’s really cute really to see him singing along to Taylor Swift as I drive us along the coastline or picturesque scenery on the way to the Sydney markets that are quite a while away, but closer to Norwest than Luke’s studio.

It takes about half an hour to get to the Markets and I’m just glad that today isn’t crazily busy. You’ve got to pay to get in, that’s the only downside really, but Luke just pays for us all to everyone's gratitude and I’m just glad he takes his wallet with him everywhere. Thank god the markets are shaded too, in a big open place that’s shaded and goes on for miles.

“Are we going to all walk around together or disband and meet back up when we’ve found lunch?” Calum asks and he’s always thinking about food. Fair enough at a market too, and we all decide to go off in our pairs, trying to find something adequate to each of our tastes to eat for Lunch.

“What do you think you’ll get Lu?” I ask the blonde and he just tells me he’s never been here before so he doesn’t know. I’ve come here a number of times and they sell both fresh food such as fruit and veg, spices and seafood, but they also have cooked street food of all different cultures to try. Really I’ve only eaten here twice, but I’m open to it all.

“I don’t know, there are a lot of different languages being spoken, yeah? There’s so much to try,” Luke points out and he isn’t wrong. There are a lot of Asian stalls, beautiful smelling sweet and savory scents wafting into our noses as we walk around the market, but there are also different stalls - European countries such as Germany, France and Russia, along with African stalls and South American stalls and everything in between.

Luke is intrigued by one of the Russian stalls, Luke explains that it’s common Russian street food and he’s probably just found what he’s going to eat. He’s also humble about his Russian language knowledge but he surprises me when he asks the guy standing in the stall a question. It also surprises the man and he’s actually very shocked.

“Your Russian is amazing," Is all the man says, accent strong and absolutely baffled. Luke just smiles at him, thanking him for the compliment then asking once again his question but in English this time. 

"Your Pirozhki, what fillings are in it? Your signs don't say," Luke asks and the man must explain the fillings in Russian because I have no idea what he's saying, but Luke nods along, understanding and speaking Russian directly back to him. The man grabs two of what Luke pointed out to me as amazing and he thanks him sincerely in English, raising a question for the blonde kid. 

"Where abouts were you raised? Your Russian pronunciation is great, but you don't have a Russian accent," He asks and Luke's been asked things like this a few times in his life. The answer is kind of complicated and Luke knows that so he kind of simplifies it. 

"I was born in France and lived there till I was eight, then moved here, but I have Russian family so I spent time there too," Luke explains and the man is impressed, telling him once again that his Russian is flawless and Luke is so bashful with compliments. We thank the man again and Luke pays before we're both off. 

“Multi-lingual master Louka over here huh? What is it?” I ask him about the food he got and he just looks honestly so much happier than I’ve seen him in a long time. He likes to immerse himself in different cultures like this and I have become aware that Luke is deeply connected to the places he was raised. He tells me every single day how much he misses France or Russia.

“Pirozhki, it’s a Russian/Ukrainian traditional food. It’s a yeast dough and it can either be savory or sweet. These ones are thankfully vegetarian and don’t use sour cream so they’ve got mushrooms, onion, rice and egg in them. They’re really nice, I promise,” Luke says and I scrunch up my nose at the mention of mushrooms and he just hits me.

“Fungus eater,” Is all I say to him and he just rolls his eyes. Now I’ve just got to find something to eat and drink - Luke also needing something to drink because we’ll end up dehydrated before we eat if we don’t get something soon.

“What are you going to get? Oh that looks nice,” Luke says, pointing to a Japanese stand that’s serving sushi and damn it does look nice . I’m a sucker for sushi, I love it so much, so I find myself getting food from here. You can choose each piece separately to mix and match them and really we can get as many as we want.
“I want some too, salmon Makizushi, Sake Sashimi and the cucumber one,” Luke whispers to me as I’m ordering and he’s a right pain sometimes.

I end up getting them separately, my six then Luke’s three and he’s very ecstatic really. His pronunciation of foreign languages is always great, and I suppose you’ll get that with traveling and immersing oneself in a culture. Now we just need a drink and we find Lime Iced Tea at a Vietnamese stall that we both find intriguing and once we’ve got our food, I call Ash and we all meet up to eat.

“What did everyone get?” Is what Calum asks immediately when we all group back up and Luke and I have almost finished our iced tea already because it’s so cold to be drinking in the hot weather and it’s absolutely to die for.

“Luke decided to woo a Russian guy and so he showed off his Russian-language-speaking-skills and ordered some Mushroom thing from him, then we also both got some sushi and this lime iced tea,” I explain and I just want to get stuck into eating. I’m so hungry beyond words really and I’m really craving this sushi. It looks amazing and it was damn expensive.

“Ash and I got food from a Polish stand. Something called Pierogi that just looks like dumplings and these cream things called Rurki. Also cherry drinks,” Kaykay explains and it looks so good too. We need to do this more often, explore as a group and find nice places like these that sell amazing food.

“Fay and I were boring and got good ol’ fish and chips from the English stall on the far end of the place,” Calum explains and it’s still a good food. I make a mental note to steal some of Calum’s chips and one of Ashtons Polish dumplings because where’s the fun if we’re not sharing?

The sushi is amazing. Teriyaki chicken sushi is my absolute favorite, but I got some with salmon as well. Three teriyaki with avocado, two salmon and one with vegetables in it because I’d like to say that I’m healthy. I douse them all in soy sauce too and they’re honestly phenomenal.

“Michael ne veut pas essayer le mien parce qu'il a peur des champignons,” Luke speaks clearly to Fay and the girl just scoffs a little and I’m just nervous because I heard my name in that sentence.

“Dire à Michael de ne pas être un bébé” Is all Fay says in return and I hate that they’re both talking about me in some regard. Luke asks me to try his food and I really don’t want to because it’s got mushrooms in it and the mere thought of eating them just makes me want to dry reach. There’s no way they taste good.

“Please, I promise it’s amazing. Eto vkusno,” Luke says and that’s definitely Russian he’s speaking rather than French. I bite back my anxieties on the whole thing and allow myself to try what Luke’s raving about. Luke practically airplane feeds it to me, holding it as I take a bite and I hate to admit that it’s actually really good. Why the hell is fungus good?

“Fuck Luke. It’s not bad,” I say to him and he just tells me to have the rest of it because he already ate the other full one and still has to eat his sushi. I graciously accept the food, eating it in two bites and Luke just calls me a monster.

“Hey Luke, you want to try these? I think you’ll like it,” Kaykay asks, motioning to the Pierogi she’s half eaten. Luke’s all for trying different foods too, so he just asks her what’s in it and she explains what she thinks it is at the very least.
“Potato, cheese and onion I think,” Is what she says and Luke decides to try it despite his lactose intolerance because he loves cheese regardless of what his body says.

He picks one up with the chopsticks he got for the sushi and he eats it in one bite. He smiles - food still in his mouth - and he obviously likes it. I don’t know how he ate the whole thing in one go, I’d almost struggle with that, but he likes it and so it’s a win for everyone. Luke also eats two pieces of his sushi, the two salmon ones, offering the last one up to whoever wants it. Cal of course is the first to say he wants it, so it’s over to him and Luke’s once again managed a full meal without really thinking about it. I’m proud.

The others all finish their food too and it was all very filling really. Fay and Cal managed to eat all of their chips before I could get my hands on them and they’ve escaped robbery this time, but next time they won’t be so lucky.

“Does anyone want this? I’m not a fan,” Is what Fay says, asking if anyone wants her boba drink that she explains is a coffee boba drink with oat milk and as soon as she mentions oak milk, Luke says that he’ll have it and I’m surprised he wants it. He thanks her for it and at that now that we’ve just got drinks, we can walk around a little more before finding something else to do.

“Michael, it’s getting kind of busy,” Luke explains as we all walk as a group and he spoke so that only I could hear him. I get what he’s saying, it’s gotten far busier since we arrived and I can tell that Luke’s a little nervous around all these people.

“Yeah, it is, but it’s alright,” I say to him and he just nods, drinking the boba as we continue to walk about the market. It’s quite loud in here and Luke is practically clinging to my arm as we walk, but there’s nothing to be afraid of. It keeps getting busier and Luke keeps getting more and more nervous that someone is going to notice him.

“Michael it’s too crowded here. Please can we leave?” He asks me and I really don’t want him to have a full blown panic attack here so I just tell him that he’ll be alright and I tell the others that we should probably get going. They know that Luke’s dissociating himself from the situation, I can see it too, so I half drag him out of the busyness and back to the car to calm him down.

“Hey, can you hear me lovely? Louka?” I try to pull him out of the trance of his dissociation by speaking to him and squeezing his hands lightly but he doesn’t really say anything to me. I stay with him, holding his hands outside my car before he somewhat comes out of the whole thing, blinking a little and resting his head on me as he just breathes and calms himself.

“How’d we get out here?” Luke asks me when he realizes we’re outside and I explain it all to him. How he started dissociating in the building and I guided him out of the place to get him somewhere somewhat secluded and far quieter.

“We can go home if you want to? The others will understand,” I say to him but he just shakes his head. He wants to spend time with everyone, but it’s understandable that he doesn’t want to be somewhere busy. He’s a bit out of it still and he tells me that he wants to go to the big hill again to just lay down and be .

“I just want to lay down - I’m really tired,” Luke explains and he’s very lethargic. He’s very tired, I can see it in his eyes and I’m inclined to just take him home because I don’t want him to start nodding off if we’re doing anything. It’s not only heartbreaking, but it can be dangerous. Luke has been so tired after dissociating before that he’s just completely nodded off while drinking coffee and he ended up spilling the hot drink on himself.

“Yeah? Hop in the car baby and you can get some rest, okay? Hey, stay awake till you get to the car first love,” I say to him when he starts nodding off here and I just help him to the car where he falls asleep practically immediately as he sits down and I get worried about him all the time. I’m really worried right now but he’s safe here while I have a chat with the others who watched that whole thing from a distance.

“You gonna take him home? He’s done well today, yeah?” Ashton asks and I think it’s for the best to take him home. I don’t want him overdoing it and hurting himself, so I decide that I’ll just drive us home. The others all completely understand and they’re seriously the best people in the world. Today has been great and I don’t want anything to be potentially ruined if we decide to do anything else and Luke falls apart.

“If we don’t see you until your birthday Cal I apologize so much, but we’ll definitely be there for your day,” I say to them all really and they all understand once more. Cal is throwing a party for his birthday, but really it’ll just be the six of us at his house, probably just listening to music and eating too much food. That’s Calum's idea of a good birthday.

I drive Luke and I home and the blonde is just asleep he’s resting his head against the window and I try to drive as smoothly as possible so he doesn’t end up hitting his head on the window or something while I take him home. We get home in one piece and he’s still fast asleep. I’ve listened to him snore for the past twenty minutes and he’s kind of adorable in that way.

I don’t know how to get him out of the car without waking him and it’s far too hot to stay in here. I really don’t want to wake him up, he needs rest and I just risk moving him a little so I can open the door and he doesn’t wake up so I risk opening the door and I manage to undo his seatbelt and pick him up without him so much as even moving at all.

I carry him inside miraculously, but then again he’s still so light, and I get him into the downstairs bedroom, laying on the bed and he’s so out of it that he doesn’t wake up. He mumbles something so he’s somewhat awake, but he ends up snoring again and I just kiss his hair as I go to greet my parents.

“We’re home, Luke fell asleep in the car and so I carried him in,” I explain as I walk into the dining room where my parents are sitting eating their lunch together. They both tell me to join them and I suppose I can. They ask how our day was and I explain everything we did - other than kissing each of my friends - and they tell me that it sounds like it sounded like fun and it really was.

“And Luke's alright? How’s he been doing recently?” My mother asks and that one might require more explanation.

“I don’t really know how he’s been. I feel like I want to believe he’s getting better, but I feel like in ways things are worse. I feel like he’s pushing things away and closing himself off to things like being present. He’s thinking too much, I feel like he’s never present. I just want these meds to work,” I say to my parents and they know what I’m talking about.

“Yeah? I get what you’re talking about. He always seems quite distant recently. Maybe he’s just preoccupied by something that we’re thinking too much about,” My mother says to me and I hope that’s the case. It’s only minutes later that Luke joins us, yawning and mumbling a hello to my parents who say hello to him too. He should be resting, he’s tired, but he just sits next to me and rests his head on my shoulder.

“Doing alright kid?” My Dad asks Luke and he just nods a little, not saying anything until I just nudge him a little in an attempt to get him to actually speak to my parents.

“I’m fine. I’m beyond exhausted and I don’t know why. I feel like I haven’t slept in a million years and I just want to kind of die. I’m really scared and I don’t want to feel this way. I’m going to have a smoke,” Luke says and I just hold his hand when he goes to sit down because I don’t want him having a smoke right now.

“Talk to us Luke. Please. I don’t want you to hurt yourself, we let you go and smoke then I see you shirtless with self inflicted burn marks on your hips and arms. I can’t keep letting you do this to yourself,” I say to him, finally vocalizing my knowledge of his continues self harm in a different way and it’s really affecting me more and more every day.

“I’m okay, don’t worry about me so much. I have been doing this for longer than how long I’ve known you. I need to go outside and smoke Michael, don’t keep me from doing what I need to do or I swear to god I’ll-” And I have to cut him off because he’s getting aggressive and he’s going to say something he’ll regret if he isn’t careful.

“You’ll what Luke? What will you do if I physically hold you here so you don’t go out there and burn yourself to feel something? I want you to talk to me Luke. You don’t talk to me anymore about anything and I know you feel like it’s helping, but you’re hurting me and you’re hurting yourself,” I say to him and he looks so pissed off.

“I will fucking strangle you,” And the seriousness in his voice terrifies me. I stand up and move away from him. I don’t want any part in this if Luke’s threatening me. I don’t want to be anywhere near him if he’s threatening to strangle me and my father is far from impressed. Luke doesn’t look upset at all. He doesn’t look apologetic and he fully means his words. What’s wrong with him?

“Calm down Luke. I know you really don’t want to hurt anyone, you’re overwhelmed and that’s okay. We can talk this out,” My father speaks calmly and I’m kind of standing behind him because I don’t want Luke to hurt me - even if my heart says he’d never do such a thing.

"Don't tell me to calm down! It's not that fucking easy you fucking prick! If it were that easy I wouldn't ever be fucking upset! Half the shit I say I don't mean. I didn't mean to say I'd hurt you. I'd never hurt you Michael. I'm just - I'm so confused with my emotions. I need serious fucking help," Luke starts off yelling, but then he starts sobbing as his emotions swing and I can't imagine how mentally tiring this must be for Luke to deal with daily. 

"We know Lu. We just want to help you, so please try to calm down and we can all talk about this," My father says and Luke just takes a few breaths, now at least a hell of a lot more awake than he was and he's absolutely controlled by his mood swings today. The whole day has been messy, but he gets to start new meds tonight so all should go well. 

"I need to do something to take my mind off of shit for a minute. I'll be right back. I'm just grabbing something from the spare room," Luke explains and we let him do what he needs to calm down a little. He comes back with some paper and the colored pens my parents got him for Christmas. He's going to draw to calm himself down. If this weren't a totally real coping mechanism for Luke then I would have probably laughed, but he needs this right now and it's all too real. He's just a kid. 

"Sit down with us Luke. You can sit down,” My father says, motioning to the seat beside me and Luke is hesitant but he sits down with his pens and paper, opening all the pens as he avoids eye contact from absolutely everyone. He’s scared of the situation, scared of himself and he just wants to focus his mind on the little patterns he’s drawing.

“Can you talk to us Luke?” My mother risks asking and everyone’s being so careful, using calm voices as we just don’t want anything to go wrong. We don’t want Luke to do something he’ll regret and hurt one of us, but we also don’t want to hurt his mind because everyone at this table knows how fragile his mind is and how sensitive Luke is to everything.

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to say that, I’d never ever hurt Michael. I don’t know why I completely snapped like that,” Luke says as he continues to draw squiggles and dots and lines to just stay distanced from his words. It’s pure art therapy in a way.

“We all know you didn’t mean to. People with trauma have triggers that set off intense emotions and we just must have hit one while you’re in a particularly not great mood, yeah? Does that sound right?” My mother asks Luke and he just nods as he keeps his eyes on the paper, not wanting to face us just yet. He knows what he said hurt me and he doesn't want to face that fact yet. 

“Do you want to talk to us about how you’re feeling? No one wants you to drown in your emotions if we can help,” My Dad asks and Luke just shrugs a little. Luke’s gotten to a point where he’s sure that no one can help. He’s told me that before. He feels like he’s already drowning and he doesn’t know how to receive the help everyone is trying to give him.

“I don’t know how I’m feeling. I just feel so empty, just so void of everything - like I don’t even know who I am,” Luke says and he sounds so distant. He finally trails his eyes up to my family's and he’s hurting. He’s going through so much and it’s so far from fair. He doesn’t want to admit that he’s hurting, but he really is and he can’t keep denying it.

“You know yourself better than anyone else here Luke. You know the real you and we know that you’re a good kid. You’re a good kid who’s gone through so much and lived through hell honestly to try to be a better person. We know the you that you let others see, but only you know who you really are,” My mother becomes somewhat inspirational as she speaks and Luke does appreciate it, he just doesn’t know how to show it.

“But what if I’m a terrible person like my parents? I don’t want to be, I try so hard to work on myself to be better, but what if I’m just as awful as they were?” Luke asks and he sounds scared. He’s so terrified that he’ll end up like his parents. I decide to take this one.

“No Lu, you’ll never be as awful as your parents, okay? You and Jack aren’t your parents at all. You’ve both grown so much as people since I first started seeing you and I know that it’s not a small feat, but I also know that you’re destined to be better people than your parents ever were. I know you Luke, and I know that in your head and in your heart, you’re a kind and brilliant person. If you can’t see it yet that’s alright, just take my word for it,” I say to him and he just nods.

“I’ll have to take your word for it for now. I think Jack is an amazing person. Well - he was an asshole for a while, but I think who he is now is just great. I want to be like him,” Luke explains and that’s what I’m talking about.

“Just like him, you can change Lu. You can be just as amazing of a person as he is and I know you’ll be able to do it, yeah? He’s sobered up, he’s taking the right meds and he’s a good guy. I know you can do the same,” I say to him and he just wants that more than words could ever describe. He wants to be clean and be a good person. That’s all he wants right now.

"Do you want to go to Disneyland?" Luke suddenly asks out of nowhere and it's completely off topic. I don't know why he's asking, I don't understand why his mind has flipped over to this but he's not thinking about anything other than Disneyland right now and sometimes he's just such a kid. He's an absolute child at heart and I think in some moments it's adorable. 

"One day in the future with you, definitely. Why are you thinking about Disney?" I ask him and he just shrugs telling me he really wants to go to Disneyland. He's completely changed topics since we sat down and I don't think he's even thinking about what he was thinking about before mentioning Disney. It's like he's regressed ten years in ten seconds, it's kind of funny actually. Kinda cute. 

"I can take you there. We can leave right now. Private flight to Los Angeles, come on, we should," Luke explains and that's all a little too sudden for my liking. My parents wouldn't really mind if we did just up and leave so suddenly, but I mind. I know what travel does to Luke, its an absolute escape and he makes dumb decisions because he feels like they don't count in a different country. It's far from correct, but I know why he does it. 

"That's a bit spontaneous Luke. It's Cal's birthday soon, maybe after that if you want to plan something? LA sounds fun and scary," I say to him and he just nods a bit, knowing that Calum's birthday is in a few days time. 

"LA is fun. I like it there a lot. I also like Disneyland, I love it truthfully. Or we could go somewhere else, I really really like Vietnam or Chile. We can go wherever you want to go," Luke asks and he's so off topic in regards to what we've been talking about. I just tell him we can decide tomorrow in an attempt to pull him back to what we were saying and he just nods, continuing to draw on the paper as he just practically ignores what’s been going on.

“Luke, are you okay? Like - what’s going on angel?” I ask him and he just tells me that he’s fine. He then shakes his head and he’s giving very conflicting messages. He’s not okay and I know it. He’s drawing something, I don’t know what exactly, but he isn’t going to talk any time soon - at least not about this .

“Do you think it’s weird that I wear makeup and skirts? I know you tell me that it’s fine and that you like it, but I don’t know if you all do,” Luke asks and I don’t know where his mind is at the moment, but we answer the question for him.

“Luke, as your partner and best friend, I love that you’re expressing yourself in a genderfluid way that helps you be more content with yourself. Of course I love it if you love it,” I say to him and he just seeks validation from my parents too. He looks to them for an answer and my parents give him what he needs.

“We think that it’s beautiful Luke. It’s nice to see you comfortable with yourself,” My mother says and Luke just nods once more, thanking her. He’s in an odd place, I don’t know what’s going through his mind right now, but he’s worrying me. In some ways he’s not, I know he’s dazed so he won’t do anything harmful, but he’s still worrying me.

“Louka, do you want to help Mum cook dinner? I think it's pasta tonight, right Mum?” I ask him in an attempt to pull him out of this a little and he just nods. I can only assume he’s still a little dissociated, especially with what he asks me next.

“Can we go to my studio? I really want to go there,” Luke asks and we were just there this morning. Why does he want to go back so suddenly? He looks excited, happy to go there, but I don’t think we can or should go back. It’s an hour there, then an hour back home, so we couldn’t spend long there if we did decide to go yet again.

“We already went there today, love. Maybe we can go back if you want?” I ask him and he looks confused for a moment before he just nods desperately to go back there. He wants to go to his studio, he really does, and I don’t understand why exactly. My parents are equally as confused and I don’t blame them.

“After dinner, okay? You have to be home by midnight too, okay?” My mother says and Luke just nods, agreeing to those terms and conditions. He just rests his head on me, putting down the pen he was drawing with and I don’t know what’s going on at all. 

“Can I please go outside and have a smoke?” Luke asks me and he’s back to this again. I just hug him instead, just holding him close and he just hums into the hug. Maybe this will distract him and I think it does at the very least.
“Why’re we hugging? I like this,” Luke asks me and he’s so odd right now. I don’t know how else to explain it, but I eventually just stand up with Luke and take him into the spare room.

“What’s going on inside your head Louka? You aren’t you ,” I ask the blonde as I hug him on his bed, pressing a few kisses to his hair and he just hums because he loves the affection. He’s so unlike himself in many ways today and I don’t understand what’s up with him. I don’t think he knows what’s up with him either. He reminds me a lot of the day we left Australia to go to France. Just overly energetic in odd ways. 

“No, no, don't ruin this. Michael please,” And he’s pleading for me not to talk about this right now. I closed the door behind us, that I’m thankful for because Luke’s horny as hell right now. He’s kissing me and I hate that I’m kissing him too, but I really do love Luke. I love him more than words and I know that in times like these we both kind of need this. I never thought I’d feel this way about sexual activities.

“Louka, hey - Lu, I love you so much,” I speak as Luke kisses my jaw and neck and he’s so in love too. He mumbles out an I love you too and he’s so gone in all of this already. He’s hard, I’m half hard and it’s uncomfortable but I know that it’s only human. It just doesn’t happen to me often because I rarely feel this way.

“Michael, can I - please can we?” And I know what he’s talking about and I’m strangely down. Today has been all over the place, why not end it with some sex? I don’t mind, I’m not thrilled but I’m not against it so I tell him that we can do whatever we want. My parents are a room over, we can’t be loud. I know that’ll be difficult.

“Do you have condoms and shit down here?” I ask him and he just mumbles top drawer and he’s really serious too. Of course he has that in his drawers despite me saying I didn’t think we’d do this again. Clearly he had high hopes we’d do this again because he’s all set and he starts shimmying off his clothes.

It’s funny really - it actually makes me laugh and Luke just looks so in love that it’s ridiculous. What else is ridiculous is that the lube is strawberry scented. That makes me laugh and Luke just says that it's so much better.

It’s unanimously decided that Luke will fuck me again. Maybe it's because he's hard and I'm not entirely, maybe it's because he says he likes control and he likes doing the work. I know it's because he has bad memories of being on the receiving end of a fuck and quite honestly, I just want us to be as comfortable as possible. I didn't hate being fucked, so of course this is just how it works. It's a good fuck. 

It’s far from a quiet ordeal but it’s love filled regardless and I don’t care what my parents did or didn’t hear. We end up all sweaty and gross and honestly a shower isn’t a bad idea, so we sneak upstairs together and find ourselves in the shower together. Only when we shower together do I use Luke’s nice shampoo and it’s amazing stuff really. We end up washing each other. I love washing Luke’s hair and he’s just giggling like a little girl the whole time because he loves it too and he’s very ticklish.

We eventually make our way downstairs when Luke and I get changed into my clothes, Luke wearing track pants and an Iron Maiden shirt, myself practically matching him but wearing jeans rather. He’s just dressing for comfort right now and it’s odd to see him in such casual clothes seeing as he always gets dressed up.

“Had fun?” Is the first thing my mother asks when we enter the living room to both of my parents sitting there and I can’t wipe the smile from my lips. It was fun, really it was, but my mother doesn’t need to know that. But Luke is a nuisance.

“Too much fun,” Is what he says and I just hit his arm, telling him to shut up and he just smiles that little smile he does where he bites his tongue in between his teeth and I love that so much. My mother and father at that just say that they’re going to start making dinner and Luke can come help whenever he wants to. He decides to sit with me in the lounge for a while with me for now.

“Luke, you don’t talk about your past relationships much. I don’t know much about your previous relationships, have you had any other serious ones?” I decide to as him as I just rest into his side, suddenly wondering if anyone else has done this with Luke before or if I’m the lucky one in the world.

“Uh, I don’t talk about past relationships much because it feels insensitive to do so whilst dating you. But yeah, I’ve had two other serious relationships which sounds stupid because I’m only seventeen, but they didn’t last long but they meant a lot to me,” Luke explains and I do want to hear all about them.

“What were their names and what were they like? Only if you’re comfortable sharing,” I ask Luke and he just stays silent for a while thinking about it all and about what exactly he wants to share with me in a time like this.

“They’re both girls. One of them I dated in the latter half of when I was sixteen. Her name was Arzaylea, she was a few years older than me and she was the first person I ever thought I’d fallen in love with. She was who got me into smoking weed and just smoking really as much as I do. I paid her to move here so I could still do school but she’d already graduated so she never had anything to do that would keep her in America. But she liked the nightlife of our relationship, then things got really messy and hazy and we fought constantly. I guess she treated me like a kid because I was a kid - I still am, it’s just hard. She spread secrets on the internet about me, she did a lot to me,” Luke explains and he’s dodging some things but I don’t blame him.

“Yeah? So you broke up with her or vice versa?” I ask him and he explains more.

“Well she always pressured me to not eat much, she really enforced the whole eat healthy foods thing and so I did. I wasn’t going to say no because I thought I loved her. I guess a lot of the shit she’s put me through has stuck, but eventually she broke up with me and it was the worst feeling in the world,” Luke explains and I knew that Luke’s eating disorder stemmed from more than just his father. I knew deep in my soul that that was the truth.

“And your other relationship?” I ask him and he explains.

“When I broke up with Arz, everything fell apart even more. I guess Ben's death caught up with me and everything hurt, so for my birthday Jack decided to take me overseas to Vietnam and I met a girl who was also on holiday there but she was visiting family as she’s half American, half Vietnamese. Anyway, she was a bit older too, nineteen or so and we got along and whatnot, and eventually she gave me her number and our relationship was purely long distance. It meant a lot, but I had to call it quits because I felt as though I was hurting her more with my trauma than helping her. It was better for us both and so we ended the relationship on good terms. Her name is Sierra,” Luke explains and I’m glad not everything in his life is shitty.
“But how about you? Any relationships you’ve had in the past?” Luke asks and that’s a difficult one.

“I mean, I’ve technically gone out with a girl before. It was like for four days when I was confused about my sexuality and thought throwing myself into a relationship with a girl would make me straight. Low and behold, didn’t work,” I say to him and he just says that it would never work like that.

Laying here with Luke he gets a phone call from his brother which isn’t out of the ordinary for evenings. He answers his phone as per usual if it’s Jack and I don’t listen in on the conversation because they’re both speaking French, so I just lay with my head on Luke’s chest as he talks to his big brother and the phone call is quite long, but I just lay here playing with Luke’s stubble and hair nonetheless until he bids Jack farewell.

“Michael, I think I need to go to New York. I’ll explain before you ask questions. You know New York fashion week, the massive fashion show in America? It’s on the sixth of February through the thirteenth and my agents, which I didn’t even know I had - have been contacted by the showrunner. Basically they wanted to see if I could attend,” Luke explains and it’s a lot. It’s a big opportunity really, it’s something he could look forward to, but I don’t know if it’s the best thing for him.

“Do you want to? It’s a big thing and it’s quite close to the start of the Uni year,” I ask Luke and he just nods about wanting to go. It might not hurt, but then again things like that have a lot of pressure attached to them. Luke explains further.

“It’s an offer on the behalf of the CEO of Gucci. They need a new global ambassador for the year and they want me. I think it'll be a good opportunity, yeah?" Luke asks and that's something crazily big. That's photoshoots and magazine interviews and events and a lot of work. It'll be hard work if Luke agrees to it all. 

"Pretty crazy Lu, you'll be like the youngest person to ever be a Gucci ambassador. Do you need to go somewhere to have a meeting with anyone?" I ask him and he just shakes his head, explaining obviously what Jack explained to him. 

"The CEO of Gucci is on their way to Sydney right now. They'll arrive tomorrow and they wanted to meet me immediately. The only thing is I feel like he'll retract his wishes for me to be an ambassador when he sees all of my self harm scars. I don't think they'll want that on their magazines and what not," Luke explains and I think that's ridiculous. 

"No way Lu. You're gorgeous, you're beautiful and they'll want you. And if for some reason they say no because of your scars then that's a shitty thing to do, yeah?" I say to him and he just nods along, agreeing with me at least somewhat. 

"I'll request not to leave Australia if they say they want me. Photoshoots and interviews can be done here, I can pop over to New York for the fashion week, then I'll stay here, okay?" He asks and really it's all up to him. If he wants to stay in Aussie then he'll stay. If he doesn't then he doesn't have to. It's all up to him. 
"I also know what university I'm going to go to. The French uni is so intent on me being a part of their course that they're willing to do distanced learning in partnering with Sydney University to keep me where I want to be, but to provide the course along with a side course in music theory along with the study material so that I can be a part of their program. I'm honestly very excited," Luke explains and that's great. It's phenomenal for him really. 

"Are you fucking serious? That's amazing Luke! I'm so happy for you!" I say to him and he just smiles, telling me that he's happy for him too. It's amazing really and he knows it. A miracle even. 
"Now I've just gotta fluke getting into Sydney uni too. Imagine taking music together," I say to him and he tells me that it sounds like a completely possible pipe dream. 

"I'm just glad that I get to stay here with you! I'm so excited now for the future. I get to take my new meds tonight with dinner, then go to the studio - I'm so grateful for everything in my life right now," Luke explains and I love the happiness in his voice. It’s so nice to hear from him after the negativity in his words most of the time.

He sits with me while my parents make dinner and he never ends up helping, but we both eat quickly because Luke wants to get to the studio as soon as possible. He loves dinner once again, it’s some plant based pasta meal Luke decided on, vegan pasta and whatnot and it’s actually quite nice.

“Hey Luke, you thinking of shaving any time soon or are you going for the stubble look? Because I for one think it’s looking nice,” My father asks and he gets like this. I started growing facial hair when I was something stupid like fourteen, and I went through a period of time when I was seventeen where I just didn’t shave for about a week and I practically had a beard. Good times.

“I don’t know, I’ve never had facial hair before but I kind of like it. I’ll keep it short like this - no beard any time soon,” Luke explains and I really like it. Just stubble, that blondie ginger stubble. It’s quite nice on him.

“Ginger,” I mutter under a cough and Luke gives me a fair dead arm for that one. It really hurts, sometimes I forget that Luke knows a thing or two about self defense and causing pain to others, but when I remember, I really do because I’m usually on the receiving end. I know he doesn't mean it in an aggressive way, it's much like Calum's show of love, so it's all fine by me. 

"Well, this ginger just may be the new Gucci Ambassador for New York Fashion Week, so suck my dick," Luke says - kind of announcing that whole thing to my parents and they look so shocked at first before congratulatory smiles make their way onto their faces and it's a nice sight. 

"Really Luke? That's amazing kiddo! That's so exciting! What would it mean for you exactly?" My mother is excited for Luke as she speaks and Luke too is excited. He's so happy about this all really, so he explains it all a bit more in depth than he did to me a while ago. 

"The current CEO of Gucci is on a flight to Sydney right now to see me tomorrow actually. If I get the opportunity to be a brand ambassador with them, I'd be in a paid job to endorse their products. So a lot of clothes, a lot of makeup and a lot of photoshoots. Apparently they really like my eyes and my complexion and curly hair. My height too," Luke explains and that's practically everything about him that they liked. 

"It sounds like something perfect for you then Luke. You love clothes so much," My Dad says and I don't think he quite understands the implications of such a job, but his support still means a hell of a lot to Luke. 

"I personally like the direction Gucci is heading in. They're less gender stereotypical. They like to explore breaking stereotypes and they often get their employees to wear the oddest clothing ever. It's extremely my style. Honestly half of the clothes I wear anyway are Gucci," Luke explains and I love that some brands aren't stuck up in gender stereotypes. It's the twenty-first century. It's about time that people wear whatever the fuck they want. 

"Course you love Gucci Luke, you're practically a designer brand yourself," I say to him and he just smiles, thanking me for the compliment. He's so cute - I'm practically praying that he gets the job. 

And so we spend the evening getting crazily weed high in his studio, driving home equally high and thankfully able to not crash on the way home. It's honestly a miracle. When we get home we sleep in Luke's room cause it's far closer and we're both so sleepy. I sleep through the night and when I wake up at nine - far too close to my therapist appointment at ten, Luke tells me he's been awake since about four, so not a good sleep for him. He looks bright and lively anywho and he tells me that the Gucci CEO will meet him at midday in town with a lot of security both on Luke's end and on his. He also wants me to come with him. 

So that's what I find myself doing. After my therapy session where I request the option to take meds for my anxiety Luke and I find ourselves going to the hotel room the CEO of Gucci is staying in which is more like a whole hotel in itself. It's crazy fancy and right at the top of the Chifley Tower building. He's an odd specimen for sure and Luke is on his absolute best behavior possible when he meets us for the first time. 

"Louka, it's very nice to meet you. You're taller than I thought you would be. And this is?" He asks, motioning toward me as he shakes Luke's hand before shaking my own. Luke introduces me rather than me introducing myself - thank god. 

"This is my fiancé, Michael. It's very nice to meet you too Mr Pinault, it's an honor really. I look up to you in so many ways," Luke explains and he's just being a suck up but he is rather star struck. I've never seen Luke gush over someone like this before, but it's rather funny to me because I just know people out there would feel the exact same way about him. 

"Don't be ridiculous, I look up to you. You're such an inspiration to so many young people, I love to see young and talented French people excelling in the world. Please, come in so we can chat," The man speaks, smiling brightly and he seems very genuine and lively. His accent is much like Luke’s, British influenced French. Luke was telling me about how this guy - Francois-Henri Pinault - is the fourth richest person in France behind Bernard Arnault, Françoise Bettencourt Meyers (richest woman in the world) and obviously Luke himself too.

“You have crazy security Mr Pinault, is it necessary?” Luke asks and he’s not wrong. This guy had about ten security guards outside of his room, two of them are with us now and Luke’s one man security for this trip is seeming very minuscule.

“Of course it’s necessary Mr Herlaimont. I was extremely surprised that you had only one security guard with the both of you. I would advise at least four when you’re out and about in town as you were, this lifestyle is dangerous, for you more than anyone else,” He explains as we take a seat at the table in the far too lavish room for my liking.

“Please, just call me Luke. Mr Herlaimont or Mr Hemmings reminds me of my father. How can I help today? My brother informed me of the whole thing only last night,” Luke says and I love his distaste toward the formalities of his last name being used in reference to being addressed.

“Well, I hope Jacques informed you that we are extremely interested in the possibility that you were able to become our next Global Ambassador. Jacques explained to me that staying in Australia was quite the deal breaker for you and if you joined our brand, we could make that happen. Shoots and interviews can be held here in Sydney, we just really want you to be a part of it,” He explains and Luke has many questions - rightfully so.

“I have a number of questions if you're able to answer them? First one is easy, why exactly do you want me in particular to be a Global Ambassador?" Luke asks and that one is quite straightforward and simple. The answer is pretty similar too, simple. 

"Louka, first off you're an absolutely stunning individual. You're - what - six foot four and very thin? Your hair is naturally curly and very blonde, your complexion is fair and very clear, your eyes look unnaturally blue, need I say more about your appearance? Second off, you're the richest person in the world so you already have a name for yourself in this world because you're so in the spotlight that people globally know about you. Third off, by the looks of it, you're one of the most talented and intelligent people of current times. Your school records show that, the way you merely speak shows that. You're an asset to us in every single way and in some ways we're an asset to you," He explains and Luke's a little overwhelmed by all of that positive talk about him, but he has more questions. 

"I'm going to ask you outright because I want it cleared up first, are my scars an issue? They run up my arms, down my thighs and across my hips," Luke explains, showing Mr Pinault his uniform scars up his arms, the scars that you definitely couldn't say you didn't notice . Although I never used to and I felt awful that I overlooked them. Now no one overlooks them because there are far more and they're only recently scarring. There are a few older ones, but most of the scars are newer.

"Not an issue as such, makeup can cover things like that," He begins, but Luke cuts him off before he can continue. 

"And if I don't want them to be covered with makeup? I’m not saying I’m proud of the whole thing by any means, but I’m learning to be content with myself and I need to not cover up my scars in order to do that. I’m not ashamed of them because they’re a part of who I am, but I understand what it means,” Luke explains and Mr Pinault just nods along.

“Louka, je comprends tout à fait ce que tu veux dire, mais les cicatrices sont une sacrée déclaration,” He says to Luke and the blonde just frowns a little, clearly not thrilled by what the man just said to him. He’s quiet for a while, crossing his arms, almost closing himself off and I want to know what he just said.

"I don't want to then. I'm sorry but if that's a rule on your behalf then I really can't," Luke explains and I don't know what they're talking about but he's being difficult. His voice is laced with an upset anger that just hurts my soul. He's upset, therefore I am upset because this was supposed to be a good thing for Luke. 

“I think we should chat more before you make up your mind Luke. We can try to work with you on this one, we can allow you not to cover them up, but people will ask questions and you need to be prepared to answer questions, okay? The job will have countless photoshoots and I need to know that you’ll be up to that,” He explains and Luke considers it all.

“I have other commitments. University, therapy, alone time with Michael, studio time. How busy will I be?” Luke asks and I think no matter how busy he’d be he would take the job. I know that he likes to overwork himself and he’s been quite chill for the school holidays. He’s ready to throw himself back into a busy work schedule.

“Well there are requirements to being a model for our brand, you will need to work out five days in a week, ten thousand steps a day at minimum and a healthy diet, yeah? I know you like to be independent, you like this sheltered life here in Sydney and that’s okay because if you were with our brand I would trust that you would stick to those plans, yes?” Luke is asked and Jesus, five days working out a week? I think I’d crumble to the floor and drop dead after just the one day.

“Okay, and shoots? How often do you think they would be?” Luke asks and Mr Pinault just says that it’ll not be more than once or twice a week here in Sydney. Luke just nods and he needs a minute to think about it all.

“When do you need an answer on my behalf? I need to get away and think about things like this, is that okay?” Luke asks and he’s getting flustered and awkward as he does in these situations. He needs a breather.

“How long do you need to think about it? An answer tomorrow would be great, an answer next week is also okay if you need that long to mull it all over. I trust that you are a smart kid Louka, we are not all that different you and I. I’m aware that you inherited your fathers business much like I did back in the day and I know it can be very overwhelming. My biggest piece of advice is to follow your heart and don’t feel pressured to please anyone else or you’ll get stuck in bad places that you can’t escape,” He explains and he seems like he could be the mentor type for Luke.

“I will think about it all and I’ll try to get back to you as soon as possible. It’s been very nice to meet you Mr Pinault, is there anything else you need to discuss before I leave?” Luke asks and he’s overwhelmed, so I find myself holding his hand and he’s very thankful for that.

“Frida Giannini, our creative director, wished she could have come to meet you herself. She was the one who decided to offer you this position. I trust that if you decide to say yes to this, then you will meet her sooner rather than later. I can give you the contract so you can read over the fine print and everything before you sign if you choose to. It’s been nice to meet you, and your fiancé too. I’ll also give you my card to contact me with your decision,” He says, giving Luke a card and a folder with many pieces of paper inside - the contract.

At that we can leave and it was such a quick meeting, but it held a lot of information. We’re met outside by Luke’s security who escorts us to my car and I’m just glad we can head home now. On the way home Luke reads some of the contract, reading each page over and over to make sense of what exactly he’d be signing away. He comments on a few things when he comes across them.

“So it’s an exclusive agreement which means until the contract is ceased, I’m strictly only allowed to endorse Gucci. I can wear whatever I want, but if I’m ever promoting an outfit or anything it has to be Gucci, especially if I’m at events - it has to be Gucci. Oh it can also be a partner brand or Kering which includes Gucci, Balenciaga, Saint Laurent and a whole list of them,” Luke explains and it’s not as restricting as he thought.

“What are you thinking about on this whole thing Louka? You gonna go for it? It sounds like hard work,” I say, asking and he just continues to read through the contract. I’m glad he’s properly reading through absolutely everything in an attempt to really not screw himself over.

“It's looking alright so far. Running is classed as working out, right? I’ve never worked out in my life, God - I might have to go on runs with Calum or something,” Luke says and that’s the part that’s really annoying him right now. He doesn’t want to work out, that means he’ll have to eat more because he’d be burning off more calories and so on. Luke’s thin but he isn’t exactly muscular and I know that that’s what they want of him.

“Cal works out, join him at the gym or something, I’m sure he’d enjoy the company. He runs almost every day too, you could go with him if you end up signing that,” I say to Luke and he just nods along.

“I think I’ll do it. The contract can be cancelled on my behalf with two weeks warning whenever I feel like it. If it’s too much I promise I will give them the notice and I’ll stop. I want to try it though,” Luke explains and I’m glad that he wants to try it.
“The only thing is that the whole thing is classed as; brand advertisement for Gucci’s Men’s tailoring campaign . Men’s. Not a massive fan,” Luke says and I know he doesn’t like that, but he may need to just accept it this time round to keep the job.

“Yeah, it sucks love. Just think of it as you wearing a collection that’s just labeled menswear, it doesn’t make you any more or less of a male,” I say to him and he just nods, continuing to read the contract.

“I think I’ll have a crazy dysphoric moment when they take all of my measurements. That’s crazy, they need measurements of my height, my waist - shit like that is going to be so horrible but it only needs to be measured once, yeah?” Luke asks and I have no clue but I think he’s just trying to make it brighter for himself.

“You’ll be alright Lu. You don’t need to decide right away, we can talk about something else if you’d rather?” I ask Luke and he just nods, thinking of something to change the subject to. He just puts the contract back in it’s folder and he just stretches a little, a little uncomfortable in the car and I don’t think that’ll change any time soon. Both because he’s uncomfortably tall for this car and because he doesn’t like cars. Simple as that.

“Do you like the engagement ring? You never really asked any questions and the engagement in itself was very awful - that I apologize immensely for,” Luke asks me and of course I love it. I never asked many questions about it because I didn’t want to know how much money he blew on it, let alone did I want to question the engagement. It was beautifully chaotic and that matches our relationship perfectly.

“Of course I love it Luke, the engagement was great too. I never asked questions about the ring because I hate when you spend money on me, I just don’t feel like I’m worth it for you to spend excessive amounts on me. How much did the ring cost if you wanted to tell me? Where did you buy it from?” I ask him and I vaguely remember the figure of ten grand being thrown around a while ago.

“It’s a Graff ring, they have a store in Melbourne and I spontaneously decided to propose and I needed a ring. I looked at rings with Jack, he sent me links to them and things and I thought you’d like this one most because it’s not too flashy and feminine. It was more than I told you it was. I just didn’t want to freak you out so I told you it was less than it actually was,” Luke explains and I don’t really want to know the price of it if it’s something I’d freak out over. But I’m also intrigued now.

“I’d freak if it was any more than the ten grand you told me it was. You should tell me though, maybe I should sever my hand and display it on a shelf or something because there’s no way I’m taking it off ever,” I say to him and he says that if I choose to chop off my hand he would personally like to keep it in his room on display.

“It was more than that. About forty times that actually. Jesus Christ - don’t crash the car Michael. It’s fine, it’s a good investment because it’s made you happy, yeah? I have enough money to buy two hundred and fifty thousand of them, I promise it’s okay Mikey,” Luke explains and I do almost crash because the ring costs more than the damn house I live in.

“You’re insane, my god. If I was kidnapped someone could use this ring as a business investment, thank god you have security,” I say to Luke and he just tells me that he’d never let me get kidnapped ever. I manage to drive without crashing and Luke tells me that he wants to stay in town for a while and just explore a bit more.

Chapter Text

He’s in all of his Luke Hemmings standard clothes however. If we step foot out of this car someone will recognize us and it will become overwhelming very quickly. He’s wearing makeup - white eyeliner which looks stunning on him - along with a cyan silk shirt and off-black dress pants that are a little flared. He wanted to look fancy to meet the CEO of Gucci and I don’t blame him. He’s wearing Gucci now, he was being a bit of a suck up - but a $1,600 dollar shirt seems to be worth it because Luke looks mighty fine in it.

He also got me to dress fancily too, he’s given me a nice dress shirt and dress pants and I feel overly dressed up, but it’s actually rather nice.

“There is a Gucci shop in Sydney, I do want to go there. All of this talk about the brand has made me want to go shopping. Can we do that?” Luke asks me and I don’t see why not really. Luke has on call security so he gives them a ring to wait in our planned parking spot by Westfield in the heart of Sydney where the Gucci shop is.

It’s overwhelming once more, a lot of paparazzi, but we manage to get into the store without too much hassle and the paps can’t exactly follow us in because Gucci has their own security too that just wants us safe too. Not many people are in the store at all, so we have the freedom to look around to our hearts content. Luke is ecstatic.

“Ooh, that one Michael, look at that one,” Luke says, pointing like a kid at a red long sleeved turtleneck with a loose bow around the neck. Of course Luke likes something like this, it’s exactly what Luke would wear and he wants to try a bunch on. One of the workers greets us and Luke expresses his interest to try on the piece.

“How old are you both? You look kind of young,” And he only asks because they don’t want people to come in here and try things on and not buy anything. They don’t want people wearing their top quality clothes without spending money here. He thinks Luke can’t afford it because he’s young. Little does he know Luke’s wealth. Little do they know that Luke just may be the new global ambassador of this very brand.

“Seventeen and eighteen. I assure you money isn’t an issue for us if that’s what you’re getting at,” Luke says with a smile and surely he can see that Luke is a spoiled shit. He’s wearing Gucci right now for god's sake, he looks fancy.

“Right, what size shirt are you? I’m sure we can find one to fit nicely,” He asks Luke and they find one that looks like it will fit. He shows Luke to the changing rooms and they’re big enough that I can follow him in there to watch him try it on. Luke always has real and raw conversations in dressing rooms like this, I think back to France when he purchased his first skirt and he had a real conversation with me. Now is no different. It’s even more real.

“Michael, I’ve been having awful nightmares again, that’s why I wake up so early. You sleep so deeply, I wake up and it doesn’t wake you so I escape outside so my panic doesn’t wake you. I just thought I should be transparent with you,” Luke explains as he unbuttons his shirt, casually talking about something that absolutely freezes me.

“Oh Lu, you should have talked to me about it. What have you been dreaming about? Only tell me if you feel comfortable talking about it,” I ask him and he does want to talk about it. He’s taking off his shirt, grabbing the red one to try on.

“Well I’ve always had fears of being hurt because of my financial position, I guess everything’s been a bit much recently because I have dreams where I get kidnapped or touched while we’re in public and it’s affecting my sleep. I have nightmares about my parents too, and about finding Ben still,” Luke explains and it’s so upsetting that he has to go through this practically every night. He doesn’t remember his dreams when he’s using sleeping meds.

“If you ever wake up and need someone to ground you just wake me up and we can cuddle until you feel safe enough to fall asleep again. You need to sleep love,” I say to him and he knows that. He’s trying, he’s trying so hard but it’s something that hasn’t clicked well with Luke in recovery. Much like the self harm. He’s been managing to eat adequate amounts of food along with managing to stay away from drugs and alcohol more - but sleeping - it’s not really clicking.

“We’ll see. I need to go to the studio again, I know it’s a hassle because it’s so far away, but I need to record something if you’re alright with it?” Luke asks me and I have no problems with Luke and I going to the studio. He was there this morning, while I had therapy he got his paid driver to drop him off at his studio for the hour. Clearly he’s working on something.

He likes the shirt, he ends up buying it along with a few other odd pieces of clothing - blouse like shirts from Gucci’s new MX line - a line of clothes meant to be androgynous, non-gendered. Luke loves them, there’s even a few dresses in the line that look more like shirts at the top and Luke absolutely looks great in them of course. He spends close to ten grand.

We do go back to his studio and it’s a right mess - apparently exactly as he left it. There’s paper everywhere, a few guitars and bass’s are on the floor and the room smells like weed from last night’s endeavors.

“Jesus, you’ve made quite the mess lovely. What’s been going on in here?” I ask Luke and he just steps carefully over the paper and the guitars to go to the monitor that he switches on the display of, trying to show me something. He looks so excited and I follow him looking over his shoulder to see what it is that’s on the screen.

“I’ve been re-recording the song I made a while ago at Gray's, that I gave to you? I’ve been testing out a few things - look - do you know what this is?” And Luke is getting manically excited about this, taking my hand and taking me in to the room where the piano is and another instrument is in here that definitely wasn’t here yesterday.

“It looks like a fucked up keyboard Lu, what is it?” I ask him and he just laughs at that, turning it on and the little wheel thing at the end starts spinning. It looks like a vibraphone - we had one of them at school and it’s like a xylophone with a spinning thing that makes it sound honestly euphoric in a brilliant way.

“It’s a Mellotron. It’s phenomenal, listen,” Luke says and he plays the instrument that honestly sounds ghostly. It’s crazy really, it’s not like a keyboard or piano much, it even sounds like an orchestra or a synth. It’s amazing. He looks so happy and it just sounds so amazing. I don’t know where he’d ever find such a thing.
“It’s crazy right? I have a mini one out in the mixing room, it’s great but it’s all electronic. This is the real deal,” Luke says and it’s such a crazy machine.

“It’s awesome Lu. It sounds amazing, what have you been using it on?” I ask him and he switches it off, holding my hand again when he stands up to take me back to the monitor. He plays the audio that’s been layered on the screen in front of us and he’s so excited for me to hear this.

It’s his song, Place In Me, but he’s been making it cleaner and more refined. There’s something different about it - it’s far more complicated than just with the piano and the one take of his voice from the other recording. It’s got time spent on it, from the past few times he’s been here and it’s got something crazy about it. When it’s over, Luke speaks.

“The vocal goes through this synthesizer, the prophet 6 which is supposed to come out next year but I asked very nicely and got sent one. Then another vocal goes over the top, then two more layers of vocals. It’s pretty cool right? Because it’s lower I think it makes my voice sound better. The end bit has like seven layers,” Luke explains and I somewhat get the idea of what he’s talking about, but it’s too technical for me.

“It sounds really good. The guitar too, it’s composed so amazingly. I don’t understand how your mind just comes up with all of this,” I say to him and he just smiles as he presses a kiss to my lips, just so thankful that I like it. I find it mad that Luke would ever think someone would dislike it.

“The thing is, I don’t know how to start it. At the moment it’s just weird wispy vocals that are pitched all over the place, just with some synth in the background - here,” He says and he plays that start instrumental bit again with the cut up vocals in an attempt to figure out what I think of it. I think it sounds legit.
“You’re crying - why are you crying?” Luke asks and I hadn’t even realized that silent tears had started falling down my own cheeks. 

"I'm just so proud of you. I love you so much and I just love to see you excited about things. This is the Luke Hemmings I knew in year ten who just played music effortlessly behind closed doors. This is the smile I remember seeing and feeling butterflies in my stomach over. I'm so in awe of you Luke, I'm just so happy to see you thriving," I say to him and he just tears up a little at that. 

"You say that ignoring my very not clean record, Michael. There's so much about me that you don't know, it's kind of funny. I'm just glad that I'm feeling better recently," Luke explains and I get caught up on the mention of a not so clean record. 

"Not clean record? What the fuck are you talking about Lu?" I ask with a light laugh and Luke is totally serious. It throws me off guard. Of course it does because I thought Luke's antics have been narrowly avoiding the law for a long time. Apparently that's not entirely true. He hasn't always avoided the law with his shit. Sometimes the law catches up. Even to billionaires. 

"I've been arrested more times than you think I have, Michael. Not every time I get off with a warning. I've got so much shit on my record, disorderly behavior, offensive behavior, disorderly behavior on private premises, fighting in a public place, vandalism, underage possession of alcohol, possession of drugs, resisting police and uh - lighting fires. Most of them I manage to squeeze my way out of, like the drugs one and vandalism because I was sixteen and my parents took care of it because they didn't want me in trouble with the law. But otherwise my record is far from clean and I had to see a school counselor and shit and they called me trouble minded . That's a bit low don't you think?" Luke explains and fuck that's a lot. 

"Vandalism, lighting fires, resisting police and fighting in public. I need to know the stories to these," I ask of him because I'm in disbelief about some of it. 

"The fires, you know some of. My house, then this tree down in a creek in Norwest, then just whatever I could light on fire because I became fixated on flames. Vandalism, that wasn't even my fault. I etched a drawing into the side of a building in the city because I was with Gray and bored when police happened to drive past. Resisting police - I just refused to get into their car until they made me, then fighting in public, I got into a massive bloody fight with Jack in town outside the opera house when we were got kicked out once for arguing inside. Ridiculous really," Luke explains and it sounds like such a Luke thing to have happened. 

"Luke, do you like kinky shit when you have sex? Like - do you feel satisfied when we fuck?" I ask him out of nowhere and his eyes lock on mine as he tries to determine what exactly caused me to ask suddenly. Really I don't know. I don't understand what brought that on, but I know now that I want it answered. 

"I'm more than satisfied when we fuck Michael. I personally like being tied up, blindfolded, and choked. I like rough sex, but our sex is good too. There's something about it that just absolutely leaves me feeling far better than after anything else," Luke explains and - oh. I wasn't expecting blatant honesty like that and it's kind of funny really. 
"Hair pulling, name calling, maybe the use of the word daddy . I like it all really. Anything sexual and consensual on both ends I am okay with," Luke explains and it's good to know. He's been so nice to me. I just want to be nice right back to him. 

"We can have some fun tonight Louka. Book a hotel room for the night, let's have some fun," I say to Luke, running my hands through his hair and he just hums a little, his eyes fluttering closed in pure bliss and god I love the power I have over this boy when he's horny . I let myself so whatever the fuck I want. My hands trail down his body, his head tipping back as he loses himself in the feeling and as I manage to get a hand down his pants to start palming him through his boxers. 

"Mm, hey Michael, not here. This place is for getting high and vodka drunk, I love you," Luke says, humming and not exactly stopping me from what I'm doing. He wants to get drunk which I thought he'd gotten past, but then again when he's alone I have no idea what he does. It wouldn't surprise me if he takes shot after shot of some expensive liquor while he's alone. 

"Maybe don't do that Lu. You've been doing so well," I say to him and he just shakes his head, telling me that he's been doing bad. That's when I immediately stop touching him, he's been doing bad and I don't know about it. It's like Luke leads two different lives these days. One with me, where he's Luke Hemmings, a sweet, music making, eyeliner wearing beautiful boy that likes to kiss me at night until he falls asleep. Then there's Louka Herlaimont, the drug addicted, alcoholic seventeen year old multi-billionaire who just wants to party and get beyond high. 

He pulls away from me, averting his gaze from mine and he's still for a second, making a decision and my heart is pounding. He's thinking of doing something that I know I won't like. He makes up his mind and walks over to the drawers under one of benches where the monitor sits and he grabs something out. Pills. He doesn't give me time to even say anything before he swallows a bunch. Far too many. 

"I'm sorry, spontaneous decisions are what I roll with. I kind of think that will kill me," Luke explains and he took six pills and I don't know what the fuck they were. I quickly take a look at the bag he took them from, not able to identify what the fuck he took and why the fuck he took them. He's insane. He might just overdose and I wouldn't know what to do. 
"Oxycodone, Mikey. I don't want to do this shit anymore. I'm constantly exhausted. I won't die, I'll just calm down," Luke says and I want him to throw up right now to get them out of him.

"Luke, what the fuck? We're going to the hospital right now, what the fuck?" I'm just in a state of disbelief as I grab a hold of his hand and even now he's panicking. The decision really was spontaneous and he's really regretting it already. He's panicking, he's hyperventilating and begging me not to take him to the hospital. He doesn't want to go back there after his suicide attempt. He's scared, he made a dumb mistake and he already regrets it. What the hell? 

"I'm sorry - I'm so sorry. Don't take me there, don't - I can't - your parents can't know, I didn't - I just have to sit down," Luke says and the pills are already hitting him. He just holds on to me for dear life , telling me not to take him to a hospital because he doesn't need to go to one. He just hugs me and I feel his whole demeanor shifts slowly as minutes pass and I'm going to believe him for now. 

He's slowing down, just as he said. His breathing, his heartbeat. Things are slowing and it's scary but I trust him. He's holding onto me. His hands around me as he holds himself up and sways to create movement between us. He's alright. I know he won't OD, but he's somewhere dangerously close. He's in bliss in his own mind right now and I suppose it makes me feel somewhat better. Luke Hemmings - fucking druggie. 

"Luke? You sure you don't have to go to the hospital?" I ask him when he rests his head on me and he just mumbles out a no . I trust him. Luke knows his limits, he's been higher than this time after time. As long as he's conscious and responsive then I'll not take him to the hospital. As long as he can communicate with me then I'll stay right with him. 

"Love you. I love you so so much. We'll get married so that one day we can be in the same grave. Romance," Luke mumbles and I just hold him close to me, running my hand through his hair as he stands with me, relying on my body to keep him upright. I don't know why the fuck he did what he did. He knows my distaste toward his drug habits, he knows how much it scares me. Why did he do this? 

I stay here with Luke for a while, twenty minutes or so before his heart starts racing and palpitating. I can feel it practically beating out of his chest as he stays resting up against me, his eyes closed as he breathes slowly, drugged out of his mind. I ask him if he’s okay and he just nods.

“Can I please just take you in to get checked up? I don’t want you to overdose,” I ask him and he just shakes his head, mumbling nonsense against my chest as he buries his face there, trying to gather his coherency a little more to answer me properly.

“I would have already if I was gonna. It’s fine - favorite feeling. No overdosing,” Luke mumbles into my shirt that’s really his shirt and he’s a right mess. We stay like this for a while, Luke just holding on to me as he keeps needing me to pull him up because his legs are like jelly right now. If only Mr Pinault could see Luke now. It’s a fun thought. I’m the only one who sees him like this and it’s weird.

Eventually the drugs start to wear off and I am practically thanking the lord that he’s not currently dying a painful death. He’s more so annoyed that he let himself do that in front of me. He knows I hate it and rightfully so. It’s so idiotic, I know he’s trying and he has a messed up mind, but sometimes I wonder if he even cares.

“Give me the damn pills Luke,” I say to him when he’s come down enough to know that I’m mad at him. Actually, I’m furious really. He knows it too and he doesn’t feel bad. Luke apologizes a lot, sure - but I don’t think he ever feels necessarily bad about anything at all. He doesn’t feel bad for ever hurting me, he definitely doesn’t feel bad for this because for a while he felt good, and that’s all that matters to him.

“Fuck you. This whole thing is just bullshit. If being high makes me feel better then I don’t see the big deal. I can do whatever I want,” Luke says and he’s being an absolute asshole. I want to scream at him, tell him that the big deal is that he’s literally frying his brain. He’s killing brain cells with this addiction and he doesn’t seem to care. Not one bit. I do yell at him.

“Maybe you can do whatever you want, but I can’t Luke! I can’t sit by and watch you kill yourself like this anymore, you’re hurting everyone who’s trying to help you and love you!” I yell at him and I hate yelling but I feel like it’s necessary. I need him to know how serious I am right now.

“Then fuck off! Take the damn ring off and call this quits Michael. I don’t want to date you if you aren’t supportive of my choices!” Luke yells right back and it takes my breath away and immediately because he doesn’t want to date me because I’m looking out for his health? I don’t know what to say.

“I’m not supportive of you killing yourself! I don’t want you to do drugs anymore Luke! I will fucking throw you into rehab if it means that you won’t keep doing this to yourself! You tell me you’re trying so hard but you’re screwing yourself over for what reason? Tell me why,” I practically plead because I don’t understand Luke’s brain.

“Because I don’t deserve to be okay Michael. All I deserve is to just fall apart. That’s all my parents ever told me and once you hear something as many times as I heard that - you believe it. I can’t get better in your home. We need our own place and a dog, we need a dog so I can be happy,” Luke sighs out and he’s flipped his emotions very quickly. It gives me such mental whiplash. I just want Luke and I to work. I just want this all to work out. I always give in.

“We can move out. We can get a dog, but I need you to give me the pills so I can throw them away. I don’t want you to take them anymore. I’m letting you smoke and smoke weed and drink on the occasion, just - please try to stop everything else,” I say to him and he just hands over the bag of pills that he has stashed here. I take them and I will throw them out.

“We need a dog. I really need a dog and a place of our own. I know your parents care about me, but adults make me anxious. I just feel like if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing then they’ll hit me,” Luke says to me and my parents would never hit anyone. I know Luke knows that too but that doesn’t change anything.

“They would never hurt you, Lu. I know you know that and I know it’s much more than that. We can find a place, somewhere in Sydney. Want to look today? And for a puppy?” I ask Luke and he looks suddenly ecstatic. Luke’s emotions are wild recently, absolutely all over the place and intense.

“I really want a dog. Would your parents let us have a dog in the house while I try to find us a place? I really want a doggie today,” Luke says and today is far too soon surely. We need to find the right dog, Luke can’t just choose a random dog then have to live with it every day. He needs to choose the right one. If I don’t have a say I just know that he’ll choose the first dog he sees.

“I’ll call Mum, I’ll call her right now. I want to get you a dog, make you happy. Keep you floating above water, yeah,” I say to him and he just nods excitedly as I call my Mum. I need to explain it all to her. She needs to know what's going on with Luke and why a dog would significantly make things better. Luke says something to me first.

"You know, Maël is an emotional support dog. I've got legal contracts that state that I'm allowed one, so Maël was trained. I think maybe another one would be helpful? I just get kind of anxious and need someone always with me. A support dog could be that someone," Luke explains, suggesting another support dog and I think it's a good idea. 

"I'm calling Mum right now, love. Hiya Mum, yeah we're good. What would you think about Luke and I getting a dog while we plan to move? I think Luke really wants one,” I say to my mother when she greets me and Luke just watches me talk with such a scared apprehension in his eyes, but a hopeful flare in the way they sparkle.

“A big dog or a small one?” Is all my mother asks and it gives me a lot of hope in this whole thing, I ask Luke about it, whether he wants a big dog or a small dog and he takes a while to think about it all.

“I don’t know, I’d have to see the dogs,” Luke eventually says and of course he can’t make up his mind, I tell my mother that and she’s clearly asking my father about it. His word is kind of the final word and the answer my mother gives me is actually thankfully surprising.

“Well, your father says it’s alright as long as it means you move out by mid February at the latest,” My mother says and I practically sigh with sheer relief because that means we can go and look for a dog today and get Luke’s mind off of absolutely everything. I just want to forget about what happened. I’d rather stay blissfully ignorant.

“Thank you, tell Dad that we said thank you,” I say to my mother, farewelling her and I relay the information on to Luke. He wants to look for a dog right away. He wants to go the the RSPCA, he’d rather get a rescue dog than one from a breeder or anything like that and I think it’s the best idea for adopting a dog.

So I drive him to the nearest RSPCA after throwing Luke's drugs in the fucking ocean and we’re still dressed too fancily for being out and about - especially here - but it’s an animal shelter in the middle of nowhere so paparazzi isn’t an issue at all. Luke’s practically jumping up and down with excitement when he gets out of the car and absolutely no one else is here. He’s ecstatic.

“Look! Oh my god it’s so cute,” And some dogs are able to be seen from outside the building, they’re outside in their own areas, either laying down, drinking water, being crazy as dogs tend to be - whatever. Luke needs to calm the hell down before we go in there however. He’s excited, but he’s a little manic and that’s not a good look around strangers.

“Hey, look at me for a second Luke. Hi,” I say to him when he finally tears his eyes off of the dog, meeting my eyes with a smile on his lips, very clearly bursting at the seams with joy, but trying to calm himself down to my level.

“Hi,” He says right back and I just lean forward and kiss him quickly, trying to get him to really just breathe and think about all of this. He rests his forehead against mine, he’s happy, he’s content right now and probably still a little off from the drugs, but he’s better and I want him to stay that way. That’s why we need to find a nice dog.

“Try to stay level-headed Luke. I know how you get with dogs, just - please try to think about which dog will be the best for you,” I say to him and he just nods. He tells me that he will do his best and that’s all I can ask for.

“Can we please go in now? I want to see the doggies, I really wanna - I want to see them,” Luke says and he’s speaking quickly, his accent thick and he needs to calm down. I just laugh at him because he’s ridiculous. I take his hand and we make our way into the building, being greeted by a worker at the front desk.

“Heya, you two look lovely. How can I help you both?” She asks and I decide to do the talking because Luke is almost too excited and I just know that if he were to do the speaking then he’d be a jumbled mess of unfinished sentences and excitement and we don’t need this lady to think we’re actually insane.

“We’re looking to adopt a dog, we’re not really sure on which breed, but we really need a dog that can provide emotional support - you know?” I ask and she just smiles, understanding completely what we mean.

“We have quite a few different breeds in at the moment, I can get one of our staff to take you in to see them if you wanted to see if one of them jumps out at you then we can chat more about the process if you’re older than eighteen?” She explains and I just tell her that I’m eighteen. She just says alright then and at that she calls in another worker to take us through to the dogs.

Luke just clutches my hand to calm himself and he’s quiet as he practically buzzes beside me as we walk into a room with enclosures and he’s trying so damn hard to stay calm and not absolutely explode with the happiness of being surrounded by dogs. He’s just so happy. Maybe we should have thought of this sooner.

“What type of dog were the two of you looking for? Did you have a breed or size of animal in mind?” The worker asks and Luke just shakes his head a little because we really don’t have a clue. I’m just waiting for a dog to really jump out at Luke. The woman is a little surprised, people must have solid ideas in their minds about what kind of dog they want, but we have no idea whatsoever.

“We’re really just looking for one to really jump out at us. Luke really, really wants a dog. Aye Lu?” I say and he just nods, not vocalizing his desire for a dog because he knows he’ll trip up and say something that makes him probably sound crazy. He knows he’s a bit fucking weird when it comes to dogs. He knows he’s a bit insane, so he keeps his lips sealed.

“I knew you were familiar, I saw your song, I really liked it,” The woman says and - oh. She saw Luke’s song that he sang on the livestream. She knows who we are and it immediately makes me feel uncomfortable in a way, but she’s all smiles and I just now she sees us in a positive light despite what she may know of us from all the media coverage.

“You did? Please don’t tell anyone we were here, I really don’t like being in the spotlight. I really don’t like every little thing about me being on the internet,” Luke says and I just know that he’s pretty desperate because he wouldn’t have said anything otherwise. Luke doesn’t like to ask things like this of other people, but he’s pretty damn desperate right now.

“I won’t say a thing. Though if you want to blend in you may want to both dress a little more - casual,” She laughs lightly and it just makes Luke laugh a little too, not uncomfortably, but genuinely and I know it’s because he’s in a good mood about the dogs. Otherwise he probably would have frowned or said something mildly rude.

“Business meeting. I don't always dress like this you know," Luke explains and I beg to differ on that fact. I just scoff at his blatant lie and this is all in good fun. 
"I was wearing track pants literally last night Michael. You never dress like this. I think I had to bait him into wearing this, seriously," Luke says both to myself and the woman and he is very serious. Of course he is.

“Okay, okay - enough about clothes. Dog searching Lu, remember?” I say to him and he immediately perks back up at that, saying precisely and we finally get to look at the dogs. Luke loves all of them of course and I just know it’ll be hard for him to choose one . There are puppies, old dogs and everything in between. Luke’s just in heaven.

We get shown sheep dogs, a little pug, Jack Russell's, labs, a Husky and even a chihuahua. There's a few bichon frise, a few that look like they want to eat us and Luke loves each dog all the same. He pats every one that he's allowed to pat and he's even allowed to lay on the ground with two golden retriever puppies that just allow his love and pats as he speaks to them in French. Luke really likes a border collie that he sees, but the dog he really falls in love with is far from what I thought he'd ever chose in a million years. He speaks before he's hardly seen it.

"This one. This is the one," He says and he hasn't seen the dog for more than three seconds yet. I don't know how he can be so sure. I personally wouldn't have looked at this dog and thought it were the one. It's a big dog, a fairly massive bulldog/terrier mix that's white and brown. The dog is laying down in its own little space, not exactly looking happy about the world, but it stands up when we approach the gate keeping it in, just like every dog and it's little clipped tail starts to wag.

"Her name is Petunia. She's a big dog as you can see. Bulldog/terrier mix, she's quite a quiet dog, she's three years old and her past owners simply didn't have the funds to look after her any longer. She's such a well behaved dog," She explains and Luke just wants to hug and kiss the dog and take her home. I know he likes this one the most and I think I could learn to love her. 

"Can I pet her?" Luke asks, wanting nothing more than to pat the dog and the woman just unlocks the gate, letting Luke sit in there with the big dog and he just looks so so happy. He lets the dog approach him, nudging him and letting Luke pet her. The dog is kind of cute, she's massive though. A solid dog, kind of overweight, but just big in general. The dog's head is massive, almost bigger than my head and I'm a fucking human, and it's body is in perfect proportion to her head. Solid, big dog. 

"You like her?" I ask him and he just nods with tears in his eyes and he's just so happy. He clearly wants Petunia. He really does and it's a big commitment to adopt a dog and he knows that. I thought he'd have wanted a smaller dog, like a little Pomeranian or some shit, but Luke very clearly tends to like big dogs that are like hugging full sized humans. He wants Petunia. 

"Please can we get her? I really want her," Luke says and he just hugs the dog to his chest where she just rests happily. Her little tail is wagging and Luke just holds onto her for dear life, petting her and speaking in French as he just looks at me with pleading eyes. I take a picture of Luke hugging the dog and send it to my mother who immediately sends back a heart eye emoji and I guess that's her approval one way or another. 

"You sure this dog is the one you want? If you really think so then we can get her," I say to him and he just nods desperately, saying he really wants her once more. I suppose it's decided then. Petunia gets added to the family for the foreseeable future. Luke has to fill out a bunch of forms and writing his number on paper along with my family home address takes balls to do when you're as big a celebrity as Luke. 

He has to write down the names and breeds of his other dogs because you need to state if you have any other dogs and I for one think it's unnecessary in Luke's case, but he writes them down nonetheless and the fact that they're in an entirely different country. He also ticks the box for emotional support dog as for why he's wanting to adopt Petunia and he messages Jamie to fax the written information about emotional support animals and Luke to the RSPCA because apparently people know how to work fax machines. 

All the paperwork checks out and Luke is over the moon to be able to take Petunia home today. She needs a collar and a leash, both of which you can buy from the RSPCA and Luke likes the red collar with the black leash for now. We'll need to buy dog food, we opt for what they've been feeding her recently and Luke writes it all down on paper, how much she eats, when and what exactly and he wants to do this properly. It's giving him a reason to be responsible. It's giving him a reason to stay in his mind and look after something that will rely on him to stay safe.

We manage to get Petunia into the car, securing her with the pet seat belt in the back, making sure she sits on a blanket that we also purchased and Luke just sits in the back with her so that he can just pet her and live his absolute best life. The dog loves him almost as much as he loves her and he's getting dog slobber all over his designer clothes, but he loves her already too much to care. 

On the way home we stop in at a pet shop quickly that allows you to bring your dog in because Luke doesn't want to leave her in the car and he's so cute with her. He holds the leash, Petunia plodding along beside us and we need to buy her food, a bed, treats and all the toys - of course. 

The bed we get seems more like a massive pillow but I feel like the big dog will like it. We also find the biscuits and the treats that Luke says his dogs in France didn't hate before we look at the other things. We get her a few toys, a rubber ball, a weird rope thingy and a little pig plush with a squeaker and Luke is very satisfied. He even finds a better collar, it's pink of course and he finds a matching lead. He likes it far more and he's practically bursting with the seams with love for this animal. We also get dog shampoo and all the things we'd need. Luke's just so happy. 

We buy the items and manage to get it all back to the car in two trips and Petunia has no problem being picked up, so Luke does exactly that, struggling a little because she's massive, but he gets her in the car, back to her spot and she just sits down immediately, a smart dog very clearly that remembers that she sat here before. Luke clips her in and closes the door, getting in the other side eventually and he tells me over and over just how thankful he is that I let him do this. 

“She’s quite cute, isn’t she Lu?” I say and he just nods, petting the dog as she rests her head on Luke’s leg, already very clearly taking a liking to Luke. He’s just so happy. He’s so ecstatic with Petunia, he’s so cute right now and I’m just glad that he’s having a good time. He just hugs the dog, he just loves her already and eventually we get home.

“Little princess, we’re home,” Luke says when I park the car and he’s so cute. He undoes the pet seat belt, hopping out of the car, then opening the door for the dog and helping her down to make sure she gets to the ground safely. He’s being so caring, so loving toward this dog and I wish he were more like this with me because I’m his fiancé, but I understand how it’s different.

Getting Petunia to meet my parents is an experience to say the very least. She’s a chill dog, she’s not very excitable it seems, but she’s happy and that makes me happy. Luke is happy too, of course and Petunia just seems to like pets from everyone. There’s no rules about her on the couch as we have old couches and my parents really don’t care at all, so she ends up hopping on to the couch with Luke and the blonde is just so happy.

He cuddles with the dog who absolutely loves the affection until he falls asleep and Petunia also falls asleep with him. Maybe this was the best thing for Luke. He can keep his mind off of his addictions as he loves Petunia with his entire soul because she’s essentially his responsibility now. He can’t be getting drunk or high if he needs to look after Petunia and he knows that.

He’s practically spooning the dog on the couch and he’s so cute. I don’t know how Petunia has grown so fond of Luke so quickly, but Luke’s paid non stop attention to the dog since he legally purchased her - or rather I had to because I’m old enough - and Petunia has similarly shown Luke affection already too, being comfortable with Luke straight away.

Petunia snores just like Luke which I find adorable and honestly, I think Luke made the perfect choice for which dog to adopt. He very clearly loves her very much already and I’m just excited for our friends to meet her one day in the future. We really need to look for a place to move into now, we need out of here before we drive our parents mad.

Luke sleeps through the afternoon, I wonder how his new meds have made him feel today. I know they don’t kick in straight away, but I still wonder. He only wakes up when dinner is ready because I wake him and Petunia and he flinches a little at the touch, causing Petunia to flinch awake too and maybe they’re more alike than I thought.

We let Petunia outside while we eat and she looks happy to be outside so Luke doesn’t feel awful leaving her out there whilst we eat dinner. He’s antsy though, he would rather just pet Petunia all evening rather than eat and that's not very wise at all, so I have to remind him that dogs are more independent than he thinks they are. 

We've been eating so well since Luke started suggesting meals and at the moment we're eating this amazing curry with chickpeas rather than meat of any kind and it's actually really nice. It's not cream based either otherwise Luke might get sick, but he absolutely loves this dinner and eats it quickly because he wants to get back to Petunia as soon as possible, but my parents make conversation with him to distract him from everything a little. 

"I guess you really liked her, huh Luke?" My father asks Luke and he just nods a little, continuing to eat just to get back to Petunia. He wants to hug her, he wants to play with her and take his mind off of everything, but I just place my hand on his leg and he stops eating because I really need him to just slow down and listen to me. He puts down his knife and fork like he's done something wrong and he just tilts his head a little. 

"What's wrong?" He asks, looking between me and my parents and he's just confused. Sometimes I wish Luke could read a room, but he really can't. That's one of the skills that Luke's never obtained. He's never known how to read a room and he really can't understand context clues. He's not great at reading people, which is a bit sadistic and serial killer-like, but I don’t think Luke would ever be capable of murder.

“Just slow down a bit, angel. Petunia isn’t going anywhere. I need you to just give yourself a minute to live in the moment, yeah?” I say to him and he just apologizes and I don’t need him to apologize, I just need him to talk to us.
“How’re you feeling, Lu? You started new meds, I just want to know how you’re feeling love,” I say to him and he just shrugs his shoulders.

“Kind of tired? I woke up early, but I feel really tired still. Kind of sick as well,” Luke explains and his voice is a tiny bit slurred and we went through this with Jamie. Paxil can cause weakness and slurred speech if his body isn’t holding its sodium levels. Jamie wanted to check the last time we were there, but Luke said he’d rather build up some courage to get his blood test done because he’s not a massive fan of needles after everything with Gray.

“Yeah? Jamie said that was normal, right? You can sleep a bit earlier tonight than usual if it’ll help?” I ask him and he just nods, thinking it’s a good idea clearly. He’s quite vocal about it all really.

“I don’t think I’m really thinking right. I - maybe I should have been weaned off of my other medication because I feel so detached,” Luke explains and he sounds confused explaining his own mind and I have noticed this all day. He’s been a bit out of it today, too nice to Mr Pinault, too happy about Petunia, too out of it to take oxy in front of me. It’s scary really how out of his own mind he’s been.

“Do you want to see Jamie tomorrow? We can go in, get your blood tested and what not? Can you explain what you’ve been feeling like today?” I ask him and he just shrugs again, not really sure at all.

“I felt really manic earlier, when we were adopting Petunia, now I feel completely blank. I can’t feel anything, I feel pins and needly, but I don’t feel anything,” Luke explains and I just hold one of his hands, running my thumb up and down the back of his hand as he tries to really think about all of this and what exactly is going on in his mind at the moment.

"Want me to get you some more water, Luke? Do you want anything?" I ask him and he just nods for the water, telling me he doesn't need anything else. He's just all over the place today and that's alright. I made him stop and think about it, which is difficult, but he's listening and he's thinking a bit more, he's inside his own brain trying to reorganize things to figure out what exactly is going on and in ways it really is a good sign. 

I go to the kitchen and fill his empty glass with water, coming back and sitting with him as he just really tries to rack his mind for something. He looks deep in concentration - or confusion - and he's just so deep in his own mind now that it's probably a bit much for him. He knew that changing meds will cause sudden quick snapped mood swings, so when he starts to sob, I just cuddle him to my chest because even he has so clue why he's behaving like this. 

"I don't know what the fuck is happening with me," Luke sobs into my chest and I just keep his head cradled in one hand, the other hand wrapped around his body as I rub up and down his back, shushing him and telling him that he'll be alright. He just tear stains the shirt he gave me for the day, sobbing into me for a while as I try my best to comfort him. 

"You're alright love, you're okay," I just whisper, fingers in his hair as he sniffles and hiccups, getting over the tears after a while and he just stands to leave the table. He doesn't meet anyone's eyes and he heads straight for the spare room - his room - closing the door behind him. 

I follow of course, opening the door and closing it behind me as I stay quiet, wanting to cause as little emotional distress as possible for Luke right now. He's just laying on the bed, curled up tight as his body racks with sobs and I just speak his name softly to alert him of my presence. He uncurls himself a little bit, reaching out to me and he just let's me big spoon him as he thinks about what he's trying to say to me. 

"I'm so scared. I can't make sense of my mind. I'm drawing blanks and hurt. So many things I didn't remember are rushing back to my mind and I don't know where the memories hid for so long," Luke sobs and I just kiss his hair as he speaks, keeping him calm enough as he just holds both of my hands in his in front of him because I'm just hugging him so tightly, also to keep him feeling as safe as possible. 

"It's alright, shh. Do you want to talk about it baby? I don't know what will help," I admit and he just nods, thinking a little bit more to come up with how he's going to explain all of what's going on in his head right now. He sniffles a bit more, trembling against me and he's so scared, but I keep my body pressed against him as he breathes and thinks. 

"My Dad broke my arm when I was twelve. He beat the shit out of me my whole life and I'm only now remembering all of the terrible things he did to me. I've spent half of my teenage years high or drunk and I can't remember my fucking life because I've fucked up my brain that much. My parents practically killed me and I just - they're dead and nothing's better. I just want to not be so pathetic," Luke manages and I don't know what to say to him. 

"Your mind is far from fucked up, Luke. You're the most intelligent person I know, you're the most intelligent 2013 graduate in Australia, you're far from pathetic. You love with your whole soul, your mind blocks your trauma to protect you, and things are slipping through the gaps, but that's okay. You're far from pathetic," I say to him and he doesn't really know what to do or say. 

"I don't know who I am because I'm so many different people that it's exhausting. I have to be professional in business settings, then I'm an alcoholic, drug addict when I'm searching for a high. I'm a school scholar and I've helped create medicines that improve people's quality of life, but I also don't understand how to have friends because it's all too overwhelming to think about, let alone be a part of. I'm being offered the opportunity to be a global ambassador for Gucci, but I self harm so much that they want to cover my scars with makeup or photoshop. I have no idea who I am," Luke speaks passionately and my reply is all too easy. 

"I know who you are, Luke. You’re someone who has gone through so much hell, every single day of your life you’ve gone through so fucking much, but you’re still fighting to not let that win. You’re a fighter Luke, you always will be and you make me so proud because you’ve never given up. You’ve kept fighting and you’re still fighting, you’re amazing Luke. Nothing short of amazing,” I tell him and he just holds my hands in his and I just hold him tight. I’m never the best with words, but I’ll always try my best for Luke.

“I feel like I’ve given up. I feel like I’m not even in control of what I’m doing or saying. I feel like I'm on autopilot, just letting everything happen. I can only vaguely remember meeting the Gucci CEO, I can only vaguely remember going to the studio and taking a bunch of oxy because I've been so out of it today," Luke explains and I suppose it explains it all a bit more. 

"It's alright, you're alive and that's all that really matters to me right now. Do you want to finish dinner or are you full?” I decide to ask him, trying to distance ourselves from everything right now because I know Luke doesn’t like being vulnerable. I always push him to be more vulnerable with me, and I know he’s trying with these conversations, but I don’t want to push him too far.

“I’m not full but I don’t want to go back out there. I’m such a burden on your parents,” Luke says to me and I don’t think he’s a burden at all in any way. My parents don’t view him as a burden either. I know that for a fact and he’s so convinced that he’s a burden on our friends and family. He’s always putting himself down in this regard and I know that trying to convince him that he’s wrong isn’t going to work. He’s working on his own self image with Jamie though, that I know.

“You aren’t a burden, lovely. If you want to keep eating we can go back to the dining room and finish dinner, you aren’t burdening anyone,” I say to him and he just rolls over to face me, pressing his forehead to mine as he closes his eyes and just allows this closeness for a while. He’s breathing slowly, his hands in my hair and he’s calming himself down.

“I love you,” He whispers, still in such close proximity and it melts my heart. In times like these I know that he really means it. We’re alone, it’s quiet, there’s no reason for him to say it, other than if he really means it and so it warms my entire soul.

“I love you. I love you so much,” I whisper right back, pressing a kiss to his lips and he just smiles, telling me I’m ridiculous. He’s ridiculous. I hold him close to me for a while until he moves away a little and I’m all for moving at his pace with everything. He doesn't like being so close for so long. He doesn’t like this proximity with his whole soul right now. 

“We can go back to the table, I want to finish dinner,” He says to me and I’m glad. He wipes away his tears, composing himself a bit more and he just plasters on a smile to downplay everything that’s going on in his mind right now. He’s good at just masking his trauma and putting on a happy face to pretend that everything’s okay. It’s not healthy but he needs this right now.

We go back out to the dining room, Luke apologizing, telling my parents that he just needed a moment, but they know what that means. He needed a moment, he’s not doing too good, but he wants to pretend. It always seems to be like this with him.

We finish our food and eventually Luke is allowed to let Petunia back in to feed her her dinner and they’re both so happy once more. Luke remembers to take his meds, thank god and all is on track. We decide to watch a movie as a family once again, The Avengers movie - and trying to get Luke to understand what exactly is going on is an absolute lost cause. He really doesn’t understand it much at all.

“Come on, do you never read fantasy books or anything?” I ask him and he’s lying on the ground with Petunia, leaning on his elbow with his head held up by his hand,  petting Petunia with the other hand. He’s since gotten changed after dinner, wearing a hoodie and track pants with the hood up because he said it’s not unbearably hot today and I suppose he’s right.

“No, I don’t have the greatest imagination, Michael. Twilight was awful enough, Harry Potter - I’ve read the series about a hundred times and it’s alright. I’d rather read a good romance or a classic,” He says to me and his favorite book ever is literally wrapped in fantasy elements. Dorian Gray being practically immortal is definingly far from realism.

“Excuse you, have you ever read The Picture Of Dorian Gray, Lucas?” I say to him and he sits up because he’s ready to defend his favorite book with his life of course. He’s passionate about it too, his eyes twinkling with devotion to defend it. It’s nice to see.

“The Picture of Dorian Gray is a philosophical work of fiction, Michael. It’s an absolute work of art that should not be classed as a fantasy in a million years. It’s a story that highlights the importance of non-hetero-normal relationships in the world, also highlighting the negative consequences that influence can have on others, along with the superficial nature of society. It’s far from fantasy, it is a gothic novel with an epigrammatic style. It’s not fantasy,” Luke argues and he’s very passionate about it all. I decide to playfully argue the fact.

“He’s literally immortal though, right? How is that not fantasy?” I ask with a smile and he knows that I’m just trying to pull his strings, so he’s not arguing per say, but he does immediately bite back with his view on it all.

“It’s a story about sin and consequence. He becomes immortal in some sense - yes, but he still dies by the end of the novel. It’s about the harmful issues of youth and beauty supremacy that the world has adopted in modern times. It also highlights Dorian's downfall being due to a book that dominated the actions of the protagonist to live an amoral life of sin and hedonism. It’s a heavily real novel that deals with issues that were only just arising in the times in which it was written. It’s far from fantasy,” He explains and my parents just listen to the whole thing as intently as I am, having paused the movie to let this debate run on.

“He’s immortal Luke! It doesn’t get further from reality than that,” I say to him and he just groans, rubbing his hands over his face as he just tries to explain it again. I’m just trying to annoy him, he knows that because I’m just saying it all with a smile. I only do it because I love him. He knows it, he’s smiling all the same.

“It's a decadent literature novel. It’s magical, but it’s not fantasy. It’s like saying that the art piece The Creation Of Adam by Michelangelo or The Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh are fantasy pieces. They’re really not. Michelangelo’s piece depicts a mainly biblical event mixed with his own ideologies to create a mainly fantasy piece of art, but it’s far from an event of fantasy. Same goes for Da Vinci’s piece. It depicts something real in a fantasy sense, but that doesn’t make the event itself fantasy. They’re all brilliant realism pieces of history. The two art pieces and the novel,” Luke explains and I can’t keep this going because I know that Luke will never ever run out of brilliant - essay-like responses.

“Okay scholar. Back to The Avengers. Mum - can I grab out some chips and shit to eat?” I ask although it’s been less than an hour since dinner and she just sighs a little, telling me I can do whatever I want and I take that as a yes, so I get up to grab the chips and lollies because movie nights call for junk food. 

Luke has just gone back to cuddling with Petunia on the ground and honestly, she’s such a well behaved dog that it’s crazy. She’s only known us for a number of hours and she’s already so comfortable with us. Calum’s family was also the second owner of Duke and he was a lovely dog from day one as well. A lot more chaotic than Petunia, but Petunia seems like a very chill type of dog. What I’ve seen of her so far tells me that much.

I eventually come back to the lounge with a few different chip flavors in different bowls to place on the coffee table along with some starburst lollies in another bowl and I seriously turn into a waiter when it comes to taking bowls of chips and lollies to the lounge because I carry them all at once and Luke threatens tripping me over but I know he’d never do such a thing because my parents would definitely make him clean it all up.

Petunia is laying on her back, letting Luke scratch her belly and she’s really living her best life with all of the attention from Luke. Luke’s just so happy to have a dog again with him and it really was the best decision we could’ve made today. Petunia rolls back over when she clearly smells the chips, her big nose sniffing out the food and I don’t know how to explain to a dog that there’s human food and then there’s dog food and she’s only allowed one of them.

“Petunia, you can’t eat chips,” I say when she trots over to the coffee table a little and she just licks my hand when I go to pet her a little. Gross. Luke just pats her, keeping her away from the table and they’re kind of cute together. He already loves her so much.
“So there’s plain salted chips there, chicken, then salt and vinegar,” I explain, pointing to the few bowls to explain to everyone and I know Luke won’t want any.

Luke just lays back down with Petunia and she just lays across his stomach, practically crushing him to death because she’s such a big dog, but Luke is just giggling and he’s adorable. He manages to get Petunia off of him, the sweet dog laying on her side next to Luke and he just tells us to put the movie back on. I think he’s secretly invested in the first twenty minutes already.

“When you try the chips I’ll put on the movie,” I say to him and he just tells me that he doesn’t want any. But I tell him I won’t put it back on until he eats a chip and he gives in, going for one of the plain ones because he’s boring. I knew he wouldn’t try a chicken one - that’s a given - but he could at least have has a salt and vinegar one.

“Happy?” He asks after he eats the chip and I just press play on the remote I stole for now. He cuddles back up with Petunia and I feel like I’m missing out on all of the cuddles, both from Luke and from Petunia. I tell him to sit with me on the couch and with Petunia. Managing to fit us three onto one couch together is honestly a mission, but we eventually get comfortable, laying down with Petunia sandwiched between us and Luke curls up, hugging Petunia and closing his eyes. He’s trying to get some rest.

He does fall asleep eventually, as does Petunia and it’s a rather beautiful sight. I manage to take a photo of them that I will cherish forever. Luke looks so cozy, Petunia is curled up and adorable being hugged close to Lu. It’s safe to say that they don’t watch the movie, not that Petunia exactly could ever understand the concept of television, but Luke at least who was watching it, missed the final three quarters.

Eventually it finishes however and it’s still rather early. I have an idea, so I wake up Luke, who started tossing in the last few minutes of the movie and Petunia managed to squeeze her way out of Luke’s hold, hopping off of the couch without waking the blonde. I wake him and he startles - flinching and sitting upright immediately, very clearly spooked about whatever plagued his sleep and I quickly shush him and hold him, telling him that he’s alright and was just dreaming.

Petunia clearly senses Luke’s distress because she hops up onto the couch beside us as I comfort Luke, and she nudges him with her face a few times, scratching at him with her paw a few times too and maybe she’s the best dog we could have gotten. She cares. She shows sympathy for emotional distress and she’s trying her best to help. She’s just a dog. Sometimes I forget how clever the animals can be.

“Sorry, thanks Michael - thanks Petunia,” Luke says and he just pets Petunia to show her that he’s alright. Really he is okay, he’s just a little shaken and ready to put his clear nightmare behind him and I don’t blame him. No one is really a fan of talking openly about their nightmares.

“I just wanted to wake you because the movie’s finished. I wanted to see if you’d want to do something fun with me till bed? Have you ever played video games before?” I ask Luke and my plan is genius really. Try to get Luke to play GTA V and actually beat him at something for once in my life.

“I’ve played Tetris before because Ben made me play it. Otherwise I haven’t,” He says to me and even classing Tetris as a video game proves everything I needed to know. He’s going to be awful, we got a PS4 and he hasn’t touched it. Of course I have, I usually sit up after a movie night playing GTA while Luke sleeps on the couch and it’s a hell of a lot of fun.

“Well then, we’re playing GTA then. C’mon Hemmings, I can teach you something for the first time ever,” I say to him and this is my parents' cue to leave of course. They say goodnight, reminding us to let out Petunia before bed to go toilet in the yard, both of my parents being a pain and hugging me before they leave, also hugging Luke because he says that he wants a hug too and I’m so glad he’s gotten along with my parents this well and vice versa.

“Right, how does this work? I’ve never even held a video game controller like this before,” Luke says when I hand him one of the controllers and I can tell by the way he holds it awkwardly and cautiously. I manage to get the TV to the PS4 and instruct Luke on what exactly to do to get to the game - let alone how to play it.

He hands it over to me for a second to grab out his glasses because he can’t see what’s going on at all and that helps explain why he couldn’t understand what was happening in the movie earlier. Because he’s absolutely blind as a bat and he took out his contact lenses before dinner. 

When he gets back I’ve loaded a new game for him and I just know it’ll be funny. I pause it before anything can actually start and eventually Luke comes back with his clear framed glasses on, taking a seat next to me on the couch and motioning for Petunia to join us up here, sitting beside the blonde and resting her head on his knee. 

"Right, you should tell me how the fuck to do this before you unpause it because I have no idea what these things do," He says, motioning to everything on the controller and it just makes me laugh because he's so clueless. I suppose I'm a bit of a video-game addict. I always have been really. The first video-game I ever remember playing was Spyro on the PS1 when I was tiny, my Dad showing me the game in all of its glory. 

I run through all of the controls with Luke and eventually he's thrown into gameplay and is rather shit at it. It takes him about fifteen minutes to get through driving part of the game and I'm just surprised that he's not frustrated. He seems to be having the time of his life really despite the amount of passive aggressive yelling between us about everything. It's actually rather fun to watch Luke try to do this. 

"Fuck, how the fuck do I do this?" Luke asks, still smiling as he controls the virtual car and it's not that hard. Or at least I didn't think it was, but he crashes head on into a tractor and that's that. It takes him about a million tries to turn right then narrowly avoid the train and that was fucking stressful to watch. Petunia definitely found it stressful too, moving from Luke's side to mine because he's too animated. 

The cut scenes ate fun to watch too, Luke likes it - he's invested - and we stay up far too late playing, alternating between the both of us and its a hell of a lot of fun. I don't think we've ever laughed so much together before in our lives. Eventually Luke's nodding off as I play and so we both determine to call it a night. 

We let out Petunia to do her business and eventually she trots back in, happy to be here. Luke asks if she can come and sleep with us and I suppose it won't hurt anyone. She follows us upstairs anyway, so I let her into my room with us and she sticks to Luke like glue. Luke strips down to his underwear, as do I, and eventually we both hop into bed, Petunia curling up on the covers at our feet and I could get used to this. 

Luke rolls over to me and kisses me about million times, telling me how much he loves me, telling me how thankful he is that we found Petunia and adopted her. Honestly, I'm thankful too and I think we found the best dog imaginable. He's so chill that lazy may actually be a better world to describe her, so we don't need to worry about her tearing anything apart or going crazy like some dogs do. She's just chilling and loves attention from us. She just wanted a family. A loving family. 

When I wake up in the morning Petunia has lodged herself between Luke and I. Clearly she wanted to be closer in the night and with the dog here, Luke's actually managed a full and uninterrupted sleep. He's ecstatic when he wakes up after me and realizes. He's absolutely over the moon. I show him the photo I took of him last night while we're laying here and he loves it. I send it to him at his request and he posts it to his Instagram immediately with the caption;

'cuddles with my two favorites, Michael and Petunia.' 

It's cute, he's adorable and I love seeing Luke putting himself out there more. His social medias have quite the following and although that overwhelms him, he tries his best to keep the world updated like this. Mum and Dad are both back at work today, so Luke and I are all alone. I suppose it's good practice for buying our own place and living there alone. 

"What do we want to do today Louka? Mum and Dad aren't here, we can do whatever you want," I say to him and he just stretches, wrapping Petunia in a hug as he thinks about it all. Petunia just nudges closer, licking Luke's face and he just laughs, pulling away a little and wiping his face with his arm. 

“Can we invite everyone over to meet Petunia? She’s so adorable, right Michael?” Luke asks me and he’s seeking validation for the dog that we mutually agreed upon. Of course I think she’s adorable and it’s all the better that Luke’s getting so much happiness from Petunia's mere presence. I’m just glad he’s found happiness finally.

“Course she’s adorable. I can see if they’re free? Ash is probably at work today though,” I say to him and he just nods along, getting out of bed and telling me that he’ll have a quick shower. I get up too, getting changed when Petunia follows him downstairs after grabbing some clothes. Petunia waits outside of the bathroom, laying on the floor by the closed door for when Luke finally comes out and it’s really adorable. Petunia is clingy and loving toward Luke already.

I make us breakfast while Luke showers because I’ve gotten pretty great with knowing how to make Luke’s coffees and cereal has always been easy. He still eats the chocolate cereal, nothing’s changed practically overnight and it’s the most sugary thing he’s probably ever eaten. It’s even too sweet for me. I stick to cornflakes.

“Michael? Can - do you have plasters?” Luke asks me when he meets me in the kitchen with somewhat dried tears on his face, holding his arm with his other, trying to stop one of the cuts he made from bleeding. I know he’s trying to stop this, but when he showers alone it tends to be something that happens every time.

“Hey, shit - grab a paper towel and hold it to it, I’ll get a few plasters,” I say to him, pointing to the paper towels on the bench and I have to go to the laundry for plasters because for some reason we keep them there. I let Petunia out on the way past because she doesn’t need to be in here while I help Luke with this.

“Michael?” Luke calls out to me and I just say yeah back, but he doesn’t say anything at all. I find the plasters or the first aid kit rather and I take it back into the kitchen where Luke is holding the paper towel to his arm, sitting on the floor, head between his legs because he’s clearly feeling light headed and out of it.

“Is it still bleeding Lu? Talk to me angel,” I say when he just breathes, in and out, trying to will away the lightheadedness. He just shakes his head a little, saying that it hasn’t entirely stopped and so I kneel down beside him, taking his hand in my own to take a look. They’re not too deep, they’ll stop bleeding on their own and the three open cuts on his right wrist just tear me apart.

I help him up when he’s sure he won't pass out, and we run the cuts under water in the sink to make sure it’s all clean and not going to cause any kind of infection. Eventually we determine that he won’t need to bandage them up, they aren’t all too deep, I think it just shocked Luke a bit more than anything else because he’s been doing well.

“Do you want to talk about it, Lu? I just want you to be okay,” I say to him and he doesn’t really want to talk about it, but he nods and we both sit down for breakfast as if that never happened. He’s good at this, just letting it all blow over as if it didn’t really actually happen in our reality and honestly so much of our relationship has felt like this. It’s almost surrealism in itself.

“I just find it hard to ignore my compulsions. I’m okay, I really am - I promise,” Luke says and I know that about him. Since Luke moved in here my room has changed so much from his sudden compulsions to change things around. He always gives in, I feel like yesterdays oxy consumption was a compulsion in itself because he’d never have done it if it weren’t a sudden thought in his mind that just took over.

“Do you want to talk about last night? About what you said about your dad?” I ask him and we only have real conversations at breakfast and at night. We never have these conversations in the middle of the day, so it doesn’t surprise me when Luke says he wants to.

“I guess I’ve just mentally blocked a lot of what my father did to me when I was younger. Jamie and I have been working on it, like trying to uncover a lot of that trauma and I guess something clicked yesterday and I remembered that he was just really physically violent and more so with me than my brothers. I just remembered a time where he actually broke my arm then took me to the hospital and told me to lie and say I’d been fighting with Jack over something. He was awful to me,” Luke explains and he’s become more content with the idea that he really didn’t deserve to be abused by his father. Not at all.

“How did he break your arm?” I ask and Luke has to think about it for a while. He knows, he’s just finding a clearer picture in his mind and it takes a while before he explains it in full.

“I guess he was pissed off about - I don’t even know, I was twelve. How pissed off can you be at a twelve year old? I might have broken a wine glass or something. Anyway, he obviously grabbed me and twisted my arm wrong because I distinctly remember a snap of some sort and he knew he went too far. I remember him looking remorseful for a split second before he hit me. I guess I was relentless enough to Mum about it being really painful, so she finally took me to a hospital to get it checked out,” He explains and his father is a monster.

“Jesus Christ. Are you glad that he’s no longer around? I don’t think I’ve asked you that before about your parents,” I ask him and he just shakes his head a bit before elaborating.

“Glad isn’t the word I would use. I’m absolutely heartbroken that they’re both dead and I’ll never get to see them again. But I am, in ways, grateful that I won’t ever have to face them again. I wanted them out of my life permanently at their times of death regardless and I suppose the universe gave a permanent solution to it all. I’m beyond destroyed by it, but I’m coming to terms with the whole thing and how it could be so much worse,” Luke explains and I think I understand what he means.
“I just find it so heartbreaking that I grew up with two awful parents and some people get to live lives with two wonderful parents. I just resent that so much. I just wish I had what you and your parents have. Even Calum and his parents because they all still seem happy,” Luke explains.

“I know it’s not the same by any means, but you’ve got my family now Lu, and you’ve got Cals family and Ashtons, okay? I promise you, all we want is to provide you the love and family you deserve, okay angel?" I say to him and he just tears up a little, nodding. 

"Thank you. I know it's a simple gesture, but it means indescribable things to me Michael. It means so so much," Luke explains and I know he views that like it’s the world. We finish breakfast and I message the group to ask if anyone is free to come over and meet someone . Calum’s been messaging me dog on repeat all morning because he must have seen Luke’s Instagram post. I haven’t replied but he’s sent it more than ten times to me so he’s quick to reply and say he’s coming over right now.

Chapter Text

I get a reply from Fay as well as Kaykay, saying they’ll be over ASAP too and Luke’s so excited. Ashton doesn’t reply but I can only assume that he’s already at work so I just send a follow up message so he doesn’t feel the need to excessively apologize on his break. Calum is first to arrive, no surprises there and he loves Petunia almost as much as Luke. Petunia seems to like Calum all the same as she likes Luke.

“Since when were you looking for dogs? She’s so cute, oh my god. What’s her name?” Calum asks, petting Petunia and Luke decides to explain because I’m classing her as Luke’s dog because that’s what she technically is. She’s so cute really, but she’s Luke’s responsibility, so she’s Luke’s dog.

“Since yesterday. I decided, well we decided that we wanted a dog and we went to a rescue shelter and she just seemed like the best fit and she is. She’s such a good girl. Her name is Petunia, isn’t she adorable?” Luke gushes over her like a child and I’m glad Calum is a dog guy because he’s in love with her too.

“She’s so adorable. How old is she?” And they end up having an awfully long conversation about how cute Petunia is before Kaykay arrives. She too thinks Petunia is cute and she gives her a few pets when the dog comes over to give Kaykay a sniff and Petunia is such a chill dog that she just practically ignores us all.

Fay eventually arrived too and Cal kisses her in greeting before we all just chill in the living room, music playing lightly through the stereo because it’s not us hanging out until music is involved. It’s nice, we’re all just chilling and it’s a hell of a lot of fun really.

Kaykay paints Luke’s nails and he sits there so patiently, watching every single movement Kaykay makes as she paints his nails and he’s clearly happy someone who knows what they’re doing is painting his nails. Usually I do it and it’s far from perfect. She’s painted his nails yellow and managed to paint little smiley faces on each nail and Luke is just ecstatic.

“You’re way better at this than Michael,” Luke says while they dry and I just pull the finger at him, causing him to pout but reiterate that it’s just the truth. Luke usually ends up biting off the nail polish somewhat in a matter of hours regardless, so it will only be perfect for a while. He stress bites his nails of course and it’s all too obvious when he wears nail polish.

Calum and I just play Mario Kart as Luke and the girls chat and this is definitely how it always goes. Luke doesn’t like video games, nor watching Cal and I play them much, so he converses with the girls about a lot of different things. Fay however is a video game lover too, so we take turns with the two controllers and so I join Kaykay and Luke at times.

“You’re a photographer, right Kaykay? Do you think you could take photos for me one day?” Luke asks her and she looks surprised that he’d ever ask. She shows him some of her shoots, both photos of herself and others, all of which she posts on her Instagram and Luke likes them a lot.
“You should take photos of us all,” He says and Kaykay tells him that she could pop out to her car to grab her camera and take some photos today just to mess around and Luke is so in for it. So she goes to her car to get her camera.

“Your hair’s long Louka, could probably tie it up, eh?” I ask him, running my hands through his hair that’s definitely getting quite long and I suppose he hasn’t gotten it cut in over a month and it grows damn quick. I never thought Luke would be the type to grow out his curly hair like his older brother, but he’s proving me wrong constantly nowadays.

“Oh, I think I definitely could tie it up. Fay do you have a hair tie? ” Luke asks Fay who’s across the room and she flings one at us that Luke manages to actually catch and he’s trying to prove the fact that he could tie it up. And he can. It’s a little man bun type of tied up like his brother usually opts for and I think it looks fucking awesome really. The bit at the back is a little too short to go into the tie, so it’s like it’s half up, half down and it’s so nice.

“Well, shit. It works well Lu, it looks so nice. It genuinely looks so good, what the fuck?” I say and he just smiles, posing for me and he’s so cute. I love it so much and he just tells me that I’m ridiculous. He finds a mirror to look in and he just groans and tells me that he looks like Jack. I mean - he always does really - so I don’t know what to tell him.

“The stubble doesn’t help either. Is this what being a deranged loser feels like? I look like I suit the vibe, yeah? My lumberjack era?” Luke says and he’s a fucking weirdo. He looks nice, really he does and Cal always comments on how much he likes Luke’s stubble. Maybe it’s because Cal can’t grow facial hair at all.

They’ve gotten so close recently that Cal and Luke even hug one another sometimes and Calum always pisses off Luke by touching his stubble. It’s kind of cute really, Luke likes playing with Cal's hair, Cal likes touching Luke’s stubble, they’ve gotten close and it’s nice to see.

“I think Calum would personally stab you if you shaved at this point. He may be straight but he’s got a weird thing for your stubbly beard you’ve got going on at the moment. I’d probably stab you too, it looks so nice,” I say to him and he just holds my hands in his, holding them up to his stubble and he just smiles.

“I was thinking. I think I should take out my lip ring - if that’s okay with you?” Luke asks and it’s like it’s the most shocking thing I’ve ever heard in my life. My jaw immediately drops and he just calls me ridiculous.

“But Punk Rock never dies, Luke. You can’t let it die,” I say to him, genuine tears welling in my eyes for some weird reason and Luke didn’t realis how greatly it would affect me. I didn’t realize how greatly it would affect me too, it’s kind of funny - I’m not genuinely upset, my eyes are just watering and it looks like I’m tearing up about it.

“Don’t cry Michael, if you want me to keep it in I can,” He says and he thinks I’m dead-serious. It makes me laugh because he’s a good worrier and he just pouts a little. He doesn’t understand so I just tell him that he can do whatever he wants and I’m just being a dick.
“Can you take it out for me? Just unclip it like earrings and pull it out,” He says and I suppose I can do that. He pouts out his lip to me so I can do it and he’s being stupid, but I eventually manage to take it out and it’s like an alternate reality to see him without it.

“I have no idea who the hell you are,” I say to him and he just goes to bite the ring that’s in my hand and he just shakes his head, calling me ridiculous. There’s the little whole where the lip ring was that will probably one day close up and I think it’s kind of funny. The others find it funny too, Kaykay likes Luke’s hair tied up and so she takes a photo of him right here and now and he just poses for the camera and he’s so ridiculous.

“Show me, show me!” Luke says when Kaykay takes a look at the photo and he’s overly excited today. It’s nice to see although I know it’s just some odd kind of mania and everyone is careful with him when he’s like this.

“It’s cute Louka, natural model you are,” Kaykay says and she shows me the photo too. It’s nice, it’s far clearer than a phone camera and I suppose that’s why people use nice cameras like this as opposed to crappy phone cameras. Kaykay takes photos of all of us for the whole day, Luke taking some of Kaykay for her and he's quite the photographer too. 

She promises to edit them a little and send them to us all and Luke's so thankful. We just chill out all day really until I get a call from Ashton which is kind of strange to say the least. Kaykay confirmed that he was at work, so he'll be on his break and he's quite adamant about the fact that break time is Ashton time and he hates when people interrupt him on his breaks, so he'd never go out of his way to call me unless he really wanted to. 

"Michael? Please - I can't - I need you to - please help," He's practically gasping in between words and he's totally panicking right now. I just step out of the room, going outside for a minute while I try to gather what exactly is going on right now with Ash. He has panic attacks sometimes, but he prefers to be alone for them. He'd never call me to seek comfort in my reassurance that he'll be okay. 

"Breathe mate, what's wrong? Talk to me bud, where are you?" I ask him and he takes a few breaths to calm himself down before he talks again. 

"I can't do anything right today. I fucking burnt myself on the work oven, then I fucked up an order and everything has been building up all day and I'm overwhelmed so I fuck up more and a customer got really angry at me - they started swearing and threatened hurting me, I'm just overwhelmed and needed your advice on something," He speaks and it's all such a valid reason for him to be this overwhelmed. I don't blame him at all. 

"That's understandable Ash, but I van assure you that you're great at your job, you just overwork yourself. What did you want my advise on?" I ask him and he just takes a few more breaths, still overwhelmed but keeping it all together.

"I want to hand in my resignation. This job, it sucks. I used to think it was fun, now it's just hard and I can't do it anymore. I'd feel bad handing in my notice though, I don't want them to be disappointed in me," He says and no one would be disappointed. Far from it. He's worked his ass off there for years, they couldn't possibly be disappointed. He's going to uni this year too, he's got a lot on his plate and work is just pushing him over the edge. I know he worried about Lauren and Harry, but if he ever needs the extra cash, then I know Luke would give him it in a heartbeat. 

"They'd understand. You're working yourself to death Ash. You've given them two years of your life and you just admitted that you're miserable staying there. You're having panic attacks because you're so overwhelmed there. It's best if you left Ash," I say to him and he just hums a form of agreement.

“I’ll think about it a bit more, but thanks for this Mike, I just needed to talk to you and everything,” He says and it’s really no problem at all. I’m always available to talk to anyone really - I have no job nor really any hobbies, so I’m always free.

Getting back inside I lie about who the call was with and Luke’s just lying on the floor with Petunia, hugging her much to the dog's gratitude. He’s really just giving the dog all of his affection and love and it really warms my heart to see. He just smiles up at me and it’s so weird to see him without the lip ring and with his hair tied half up.

“Hi, you’re back. Does anyone want to smoke?” Luke asks the room, definitely referring to weed rather than a cigarette and if our friends were not here then I’d definitely be in. Luke shouldn’t smoke in front of our friends, he’s so unlike himself when he’s high and I know that sober Luke would rather not be that way in front of them at all.

“Smoke what?" Kaykay asks and of course she had to ask that. Luke explains further and Calum and Fay are definitely out. Kaykay however is in because apparently she smokes all the fucking time and it suppose I'll join too because it's a bunch of fun. And it is a lot of fucking fun. 

We smoke outside cause otherwise my parents would smell the weed and quite literally murder me if they knew. We all get high as fuck, giggling and yawning for about an hour and it's good fun. Eventually we come down, not that weed high gets you in the clouds or anything, and it was actually really good. I guess the cat is out of the bag to Cal that I smoke with Luke regularly like this and he tells me that he's disappointed, but not surprised. 

“Michael?” Luke speaks after a long silence on his end and I don’t know what’s really up with him today. He’s been all over the show and now, when I look up at him and see the familiar panic in his eyes, I wish I could say I’m surprised.

“Hey, come with me, we can go to your room,” I say to him, standing from my spot on the couch now to walk over to him on the other couch to take his hand and lead him away from everyone else who would end up watching his panic attack if we don’t leave now. But Luke spaces out. I see the light in his eyes immediately dim to nothing and he’s absolutely gone to his dissociation.

Maybe me moving and going over to Luke wasn’t a great idea because everyone’s eyes follow and really I’m glad that they care about Luke and worry about him too, but I don’t want Luke to be overwhelmed when he comes around and sees that everyone is worried. He’d rather everyone pretends that everything is fine.

“Do you want us to go outside?” Fay asks and I just nod desperately because I just know it’s better for Luke this way. The other three all go outside and Luke’s still out of it as fuck. I just hold his hands in my own as he looks down at his lap, blinking in his dissociation and trying his best to come back to reality.

"Hey, breathe Luke, you're okay," He's coming out of it and his breathing is shuddering. He's trying to be okay, he's trying to pretend that he's alright even though we both know he's not in the greatest place right now. He rests his head on my shoulder, breathing with me as he comes out of it all and I'm just glad when he finally speaks. 

"Sorry, don't know what caused that, I didn't mean to worry anyone. How long was that?" Luke asks me, his face still pressed to my shoulder, voice muffled by my body. He's exhausted, he always is after these dissociation and honestly I don't blame him. He uses so much mind power to get himself out of something like that, of course it tires him out. Smoking tends to tire me too so adding that to the mix definitely doesn't help. 

"Maybe two minutes? The longest I've seen from you by far. You feeling alright? What do you see when that happens?" I ask him and he just has to think about it for a while. 

"I'm alright, I just see everything play out as normal, but I can't do anything at all. It's like I take the backseat in my head and wait till I'm thrown back into it," Luke explains and I just can't even begin to fathom the feeling. It sounds awful really, it sounds like one of the worst things imaginable really.

“You alright? You look a little peaky,” I ask Luke and he just shakes his head. He’s not okay. He's really anxious and upset, so of course he's not great. He abruptly tells me that he wants me to tell everyone's to go home. He wants peace and quiet and to get that he wants everyone to leave. 

He just hides out in his room with Petunia, asking me too to give him a break and I suppose it's only fair to have alone time. I don't blame him, everyone needs time alone and so I give him space. He's there for the rest of the afternoon. We can't entice him out with dinner either, but Petunia does come out to eat her own dinner. 

He doesn't want to talk. He doesn't want to sleep with me and it hurts, but I know he needs time. Miraculously my father doesn't get kicked out by Luke when he goes to have a chat with the blonde, and he's actually in there for quite a while. I'm glad I checked up on them. Luke's sound asleep, my father sitting on the end of the bed and Luke's just resting against him. He needs a father figure and my Dad is giving him that. 

"Michael, we need to talk about Luke," My father whispers and he manages to move away slowly enough that he can get away without Luke waking and he comes back out to the living room with me to have a chat after he closed the door behind him. He sits in the living room and he tells me to take a seat too. Why do I need to take a seat? 

"What's wrong?" I ask him and he just says it's nothing too alarming, he tells me to just breathe and calm down. He can't tell me that we need to have a talk about Luke then tell me to sit down then calm down. He's worrying me.

“Luke told me about what happened at his studio, Mike. If it ever happens again, take him to the hospital immediately, okay? He might have looked fine and just a bit out of it, but his heart is still kind of palpitating a day later. Really I should take him in for a check up at the least, but he really doesn’t want to go,” My father speaks and I hate this.

“Can’t we drag him to the hospital? Is he going to be okay?” I ask and my Dad just tells me that he’ll be fine now , but if he does it again it may end far worse than it has this time around. At this point it just feels like trying to keep him alive every day is all that we do.

“He just needs some alone time I think, Mike. He’s got Petunia now, he told me that he's got to stay sober to look after her, okay? She's a good idea, you've done the best thing possible for Luke, we've just got to trust him to stick to his word now,” My Dad says and I can only agree with him really.

Everything’s been really rough with Luke recently, so it’s only fair that I give him space. My Dad lets Petunia into his room and he thanks him lightly. We give him space and time, letting him sleep alone and I just desperately hope that it gives him the time he needs to really get his thoughts straight.

In the morning he’s smoking in the backyard, four already smoked cigarette butts beside him and that makes this one his fifth this morning. I sit with him and Petunia under the tree and he just greets me with a smile and a small wave. He’s gotten over his desire to be apart because he pats the ground beside him, asking me to shuffle closer and he just presses a kiss to my cheek.

He looks tired, like he didn’t get a wink of sleep, but he’s hanging on. He tells me that he wants to go house hunting today and I suppose it’s not an awful idea. I make us both breakfast, Luke cereal, myself toast and he’s in a better place somewhat despite the dark circles under his eyes that point to little to no sleep.

He takes his meds, at least I’ve seen him take meds consistently for weeks on end now and he doesn’t make a fuss at all. Cal is happy to come over and look after Petunia while Luke and I go to open homes around town, seeing as my parents are both already at work. Luke’s excited to find a home and I just like seeing him happy.

We look for homes all day. Apartments, houses, flats - everything. There are a lot of open homes funnily enough and Luke is enjoying the whole thing. We’re beyond dressed down, Luke wearing a hoodie to hide, myself also wearing a hoodie and we’re both wearing jeans, so we look rather plain and boring .

There is a house that Luke does like - I’d say it’s rather overboard, but compared to his Paris home, it’s actually quite plain in comparison. It’s a large house, four bedrooms, three bathrooms and an ensuite in the main bedroom. It’s ridiculous for just us both, but it has a pool and a seventies feel and Luke absolutely loves it. I actually really like it too.

It’s asking price is around ten million dollars and it’s only because we’ve found ourselves in Bellevue Hill, notoriously the most expensive area in Sydney - and recently in all of Australia. It’s far smaller than other homes in the area, but it has a view of the ocean so that brings up the price ten fold.

I’m just anxious about it being forty minutes from where we live now. It is fifteen minutes away from Uni in a car though, so it’s exactly what we need. He wants to put an offer on the house and honestly I’d love to live here. It screams money , but not obnoxiously and I really love the view and the feel.

It’s a better place for us to be for school - praying that I too can study at Sydney Uni where Luke’s been graciously already accepted to and I just hope I get in too. I want to aim for a bachelor in music, they offer that at Sydney University. Luke asks the real estate agent about putting in an offer and the man in the suit looks extremely confused.

“You’re kids. What, seventeen, eighteen?” He asks and he’s a snobby dude - clearly - and it makes me just laugh a little. Luke too. Maybe we should’ve dressed nicer to make a statement about who we are and I just want to hear Luke boast about his money. There’s something sexy about it really - even though I hate snobby people.

“Precisely, but sir, I assure you - I can afford this house over a hundred times over. Please, we very much would love to put an offer on it,” Luke says and the real estate agent just asks Luke if he’s some kind of foreign celebrity or something . I just want to laugh, maybe punch him or something along those lines, but Luke somewhat explains.
“Something like that. If you don’t believe me just grab out your phone and google my name. Louka; spelt L - O - U - K - A , then Herlaimont - yeah,” And his last name comes up when you write in Louka and the guy just clicks it.

“Shit mate, I’m sorry. I just hadn’t recognized you both. I'm sure that if you promised the asking price then the house would be yours, most people that come around just do so as they want to see what a ten million dollar house looks like. If you put in an offer now I could call the owner and discuss things with them, yeah?" He speaks and he does know who we are, he just didn't click. 

"Well it's ten and a half, right? I'll do ten eight right now if that'll be enough?" Luke asks and he's offering three hundred thousand dollars more than the asking price. The real estate agent calls the owner to discuss in private the details regarding Luke's offer and we're really doing this. Thank god we stopped by too because we barely got in before it's supposed to be closing for the day to people looking to buy. We're the only people here with the real estate agent. 

"If you were able to do ten eight then you would be able to move in as soon as possible really. The current owner has already moved their belongings out, they just purchased the furniture for show and it's all a part of the sale. You could start moving over tomorrow if we finalize payments tonight?" He asks and Luke is absolutely ecstatic. As am I. 

Luke talks to his financial advisors on the phone all afternoon, discussing such a large transaction, and it's much like when he purchased the studio. This house is far closer to the studio too, so everything is getting easier really. They manage to sort everything out and it's official by six in the evening that Luke now owns the house in full which is crazy. We have a house, a home and we get to move in whenever we want and we get to live alone . We're really only just starting our lives together. I have to tell my parents. 

We decide to celebrate the event when we get home with my parents' watchful eye because it’s a crazy big thing. My parents are so happy for us, Luke even calls Jack and the older Hemmings is equally as happy and proud of Luke and myself as my parents are and he promises to buy a housewarming gift when we decide to properly move in.

My parents let Luke and I drink to celebrate. My Dad goes out and gets Luke the one spirit he practically begged for - tequila - and they’re going to keep an eye on us and how much we’re consuming. I don’t mind getting absolutely wasted and in times like these I’m glad my parents are paramedics because they know the limits so they let us get dangerously close.

We have spaghetti for dinner because it’s Luke’s favorite as he explains and I’m just glad he eats a full filling meal. At that with dinner the drinking begins for Luke and I. We have a shot each and I hate it, but Luke barely reacts to the shot at all. He’s so used to it. I’m not used to it at all and everyone can tell.

“Jesus, you’re going to have so much fun Michael,” Luke says and he takes another shot that he’s poured himself because he’s trusted with the alcohol for now, because my parents would never let it go too far. He pours me one too and it’s hellish in a way, the alcohol burns on the way down and I know it’ll hit hard - but we just purchased a home together - there is so much cause for celebration.

Fast forward an hour and four more shots for me - eight more for Luke, we’re wasted. Luke can’t stand up straight, he can’t stay upright and I’m a little stumbly. Luke’s words aren’t even words anymore and I’m slurring mine, but Luke is so far gone it’s kind of funny. He’s just laying on the floor, giggling about something he said and he’s ridiculous.

“I-love-you-guys-so-much. I-love-you-all-so-much,” Luke mumbles into the ground, hugging the floor as he lays on his stomach and I just want to hug him. My parents are watching over us, they took the alcohol away when Luke could no longer stand and they haven’t had a drop at all because my parents like to stay sober.

“Love you too Lu. Ha, that rhymes,” I say, seated on the couch as I rest my head on my Mum’s shoulder because really she’s getting a kick out of all of this and I just need to spend time with her before we move out. I’m all giggly, I don’t know what’s wrong with me but the whole situation is just funny and I’m just giggling.

Luke eventually gets himself standing, stumbling over to me and he just plops himself down on the couch, practically laying on me and he’s such a mess, but he’s having a lot of fun. He says hello to my Mum as if he didn’t know she were there at all and she just says hello to him too. 

"You know, I love your son so much. He's the best person I've ever known ever in history. He's so nice and pretty and he's so lovely," Luke mumbles out, his eyes on my mother as he speaks, his head resting on my lap so he's just looking up at her like a crazy person. 

“I know you do love him Luke. I’m so glad you’ve both found each other and have shown each other such a beautiful and real love, yeah? It’s like a beautiful dream,” My mother says and Luke just nods before he stands to find something. He tells us he needs to write that down and he’s a dizzy mess so my Dad helps him stay upright when he nearly falls over when he stands up.

He finds paper and a pen and his handwriting is awful when he’s drunk, it’s all shaky - hardly readable but it’s a note to his sober self and he tells my mother to keep it protected and safe. Petunia comes into the room when my father lets her in and Luke practically loses it at her presence.

He starts sobbing happy tears and he’s a mess. He’s crying and saying how much he loves her and it's so funny because he’s absolutely smashed. I must begin to fall asleep in the lounge here, hugging my Mum, because I wake up in the morning incredibly hungover on the couch, Luke laying on top of me and he’s still asleep and I’m being crushed under his lanky body.

I groan and that’s enough to wake Luke who very clearly has an awful hangover too. He also feels bad for sleeping on me, he quickly shifts to having his elbows on the couch, holding him up so he’s not laying on me. He just kisses me quickly, his hair falling over his face with that movement before getting up seems like the best idea for the both of us.

Luke just rolls off of the couch, onto the floor and he’s still a bit of a mess, but he’s sobered up since last night and I just hate myself for having as much as I did. He just lays on the floor, holding his stomach and he gets up to empty his stomach contents into the toilet. Great.

Really he’s fine, he’s better when he’s thrown up and he actually eats a full breakfast. It’s reassuring, like everything is finally falling into place. I take a look at my phone when I can handle the bright light of it and oh . Clearly I didn’t just fall asleep last night, I messaged our group chat about a million times. I also sent a lot of photos.

“God dammit. Don’t open the group chat,” I say to Luke but of course that’s what he immediately does. He opens the chat and he too just grimaces a little at the whole thing. There are drunk messages from the both of us, proclaiming our love to our friends, then there are a lot of pictures of each of us drunk and making out or being idiots and I just know Cal will hold this over us for so long. It’s also awful to know they’ve all seen the messages, all of them having a good time teasing us in their replies.

Kaykay just sent a lot of laughing emojis and told us to remember to drink water today - at least someone is looking out for us. Fay got a kick out of it, calling us both stupid but comedic and it’s the boys responses that really aggravate me. There are long HAHAHAHHAHAAH’s and crying laughing emojis and teasing. 

‘ Jesus Christ you guys are fucking wasted. This is the best blackmail material ever!!! ’ Calum wrote and I knew it. Ashton had a similar response and it’s awful really. I just send them a sad face and Luke replies with a happy face - of course - and he just smiles at me from across the table here.

We ask if they’re available to go out today because we didn’t accidentally spill the secret about the house, so we can just take them there and explain in the moment - it would contain a lot of confusion and would be good payback. No one’s busy today, so I tell them to meet us there, 18 Victoria Road on Bellevue Hill and we get a few confused messages, but insist that they come.

Luke decides that we should bring Petunia to her new home too and I agree that it’s a good idea. Luke wants to start bringing things over today and I don’t blame him at all either. He wants to be in the new house and honestly so do I. It’s got furniture and bed sheets and shit - we can stay there tonight if we really want to - no hassle. We could have everyone over, there are enough bedrooms for everyone.

We get a few things into the car to move over to the new house, a few changes of clothes, two guitars and a few books from Luke’s collection that he brought to my place. We arrive before the others and Luke got the keys yesterday, so we let ourselves in. It’s crazy that we got this house and that everything happened so quickly. It’s so lovely. It’s beautiful here and I can picture living here for years to come.

It’s a quiet street, it’s got a crosswalk right by our new house and it’s shaded by trees on the street side. The other side however has a beautiful view of Sydney harbor. It’s stunning, the view of the bridge, of the city, it’s a million dollar view in itself. Luke is practically in love with the house and Petunia actually explores with us. She's such a lovely dog, we're building our family and now we have a house. Everything is falling into place. 

"Michael Clifford, I love you so goddamn much. I don't want to wait to get married, I want to get married as soon as possible," He says as we look out from the master bedroom toward the harbor, Petunia at our feet, our small family all we need right now. Luke's obsessed with tying the knot, I just want to be married too - but it's got to be special. 

There's a doorbell chime before I can respond and I suppose it's good to know that the place has said feature. Luke just holds my hand and drags me to the front door, overly ecstatic about life right now and I love his smile so fucking much. It's odd to see him without the lip ring, I need some adjusting for that, but his smile is all the same and I love it more than words could describe. 

It’s not a surprise to me that Calum and Fay are first here, both of them looking very confused at why exactly we’re here, but when they see Petunia it all seems to click immediately.

“No fucking way. Did you buy it?” Calum is the first to speak and Luke just nods excitedly, holding my hand in his and he’s squeezing my hand but he’s just excited. They’re both shocked, just absolutely speechless and we tell them to come on in. They’re still in awe of the outdoor area and it’s one of my favorite parts of the whole property.

A large rose bush snakes it’s way up part of the house, stretching up the side of the home and adding a beautiful contrast in color to the beige 1930’s home. The foliage outside is also outstanding really, the large front yard, the trees and bushes, it’s all so green and alive - it's so beautiful.

The house is brand newly renovated too, it’s all so new on the inside, the outside too looks so fresh and new, it’s insane really. The pool looks like it’ll be a ton of fun really, everything is so beautiful here and so Luke that it’s just ridiculous. I just know that he loves it here beyond words.

“Fuck, this is insane,” And Calum is really just in awe of this house as Luke and I were yesterday. I can’t help but notice how he and Fay are holding hands, every time I see them they seem to be getting closer and it’s nice. They’re so cute together really, absolutely adorable and I love seeing them happy.

We show the two around before Ash and Kaykay arrive and we’ve got to do it all over again. Everyone expressed their congratulations for buying a home and really it’s such a beautiful thing. We just chill out in the living room, all chatting, just hanging out as a group and I love this all so much. I love being curled up in Luke’s touch - in love - and my two best mates, also in love with their partners too. It’s so lovely.

“Can I talk to you all about something important?” Luke asks after a long, unimportant conversation about how Cal’s eighteenth birthday is two days away and we both sit up a little because we’ve been lounging around like idiots really, but this conversation is clearly important to Luke and I really have no idea what it is that he wants to talk about, but I’m all ears.

“Definitely Lu, what’s up?” I ask him and he just fiddles with the sleeve of his silk shirt, trying to find the words to explain what exactly it is that he’s trying to say. He’s a little teary and that worries me beyond words because it’s something very serious.

“Well I’ve been talking to Jamie and then I was talking to my optometrist when Michael's Dad took me into town and my eyesight is deteriorating. It’s deteriorating due to drug use and it can’t be undone, it’s probably going to get worse and I’m scared,” Luke explains and I just hold his hand as he speaks because I can just hear the complete and utter terror in his voice.

“If you stop doing drugs it’ll slow it down though, right? Isn’t your eyesight a good reason to stop doing drugs Luke?” Ashton asks and he knows that it’s not that easy, I know it’s not that easy and I just want Luke to try .

“You say it as if it’s so easy. I’m so addicted that it’s not harmless fun anymore. It used to just be so much fun, now it’s like it claws away at me every single day and I feel like I can’t function without it. I downed like six oxy the other day just to feel something and it’s like - right now I feel so sick and I can’t function at all,” Luke says and I hate that he’s feeling awful right now. 

“You can get through it Luke. The first few weeks will be hell, but we’re here to help you. When was the last time you did coke?” Ashton speaks and Luke has to think about that one. I need to as well because I think it’s actually been a hell of a while. He’s slipped up a few times and had other substances, but his big one - coke - he’s been doing well since getting back from Australia.

“In France I think. But since being back it’s not like I’ve stayed clean. I got high on shrooms, oxycodone, weed almost every second day, I was taking Xanax just to get through detoxing from Cocaine so I could slow down and it’s all so hard. Now I smoke too much and I’m fucking up my lungs just to hide from my other addictions,” Luke explains and he’s completely telling the full truth. He’s been smoking a lot recently and I can see why when he explains it like this.

"How much are you smoking?" Fay asks and it seems like a bit of a personal question, but then again that's what this whole thing is. We aren't pussy footing around anything any more because we all know that Luke needs help. He needs our support in order to quit so that he can be healthy. 

"Weed, every fucking second day give or take. Cigarettes, three or more a day. I have asthma, I’m ruining my lungs and breathing is like - fucking difficult. I just want to quit everything but I keep chickening out,” Luke says and I get what he’s talking about. I’m by no means helping, I just buy him cigarettes without a second thought and I smoke weed with him most times that he smokes.

“Do you think you could try to quit the smoking too? I’m all for weed, you know that, Ash too - but cigarettes, not so much,” Kaykay says and I just give Ash a look because - no way he smokes weed and never told me. I’m just absolutely flawed. He shrugs and that’s that. Jesus Christ what have we come to?

“Wait wait, why are we shitting on Luke for smoking? Kay, you, Michael and Ash smoke weed, Calum smokes, the only reason any of us are saying this is because of your asthma. Smoking isn’t that bad if it’s not threatening your ability to breathe,” Fay speaks and I think everything just hits me all at once because - no fucking way Calum smokes.

“Woah woah woah, what is happening here? First you tell me Ash smokes weed, then you tell me Calum smokes? Since fucking when?” I ask them and they both look so just chilled out about the whole thing. Meanwhile Fay is just sitting here, innocent as ever.

“I’ve smoked weed for a while. Longer than you have Mike, I just didn’t want to endorse it mate,” Ash says with a shrug and I can’t even believe it. I suppose he’s very quiet about his weed habits - unlike Luke and myself.

“I don’t smoke as often as Luke. Only when Mali offers me one cause I still can’t buy them myself. Once every week or so, not crazily,” Calum explains and I just find it crazy how absorbed I’ve been with Luke for so long that my friends are becoming strangers in some sense. I never knew any of this about them. I’ve spent so much time with Luke - worrying about him, and not worrying about my friends. Maybe I don’t need to worry about them. I’m just a worrier.

“I need to quit because I’ve been dying with my asthma recently. I just - I haven’t smoked today, I don’t feel a pull to at the moment, I just want you to stop buying me them Michael,” Luke says to me and I can do that. I’ll stop getting him cigarettes as soon as he asks me to. He has an unopened pack at our family home, he’s got half a pack in his pocket now and I won’t buy him any more if he asks.

“Yeah, of course Lu. Whatever you need, we’re just here to help,” I say to him and he just thanks us all. He explains that he’s very happy that we got Petunia to take his mind off of things, he really does love her so much - so much so that he’s petting her now on the couch with him. She’s so well behaved, Luke loves her beyond words.

“I don’t know if I talked to you all about an offer that was put forward to me a few days ago. I was offered the chance to be a global ambassador for Gucci. I’m going to take the offer because I think it will be good for me to be out there more,” Luke says to the others, finally dropping the bombshell on them all and they all look so proud . That’s how I feel too.

“Really Louka? Holy shit that’s amazing! We need to celebrate!” Kaykay is extremely excited about it all, she loves fashion almost as much as Luke does, so she’s so excited for this amazing step in Luke’s career really. I’m just excited for Luke to be able to express himself.

“Yes really. I should probably call back Mr Pinault right now to confirm that I’m in. It just means that I’ll be very busy with college and therapy and then the Gucci thing. I’m hoping I’ll be so busy that I’m distracted enough not to want to kill myself. I know it’s unhealthy, but I promise you it’s how I deal with things,” Luke says to us and I know it’s what’s best for him. He likes to distract himself.

“How’s your fathers business going? Is everything going okay?” Ashton asks out of the blue and Luke does get daily calls amongst all of this. Calls and texts about his business, the business that he’s inherited and is technically the owner of. He has nothing to do with it, not really anyway - and so he really just takes a backseat on the whole thing.

“Well everything is so out of control really. Many things are being released by our business that I helped make a few years ago and so everything is tracking upward. I can’t spend money at the rate in which I’m making it anymore. It all flows directly to me. Two hundred and five million a day,” Luke mumbles that last bit and we’ve had this chat before after his mother died. He’s gaining money at unprecedented levels - crazy unfathomable amounts that just overwhelms Luke very much.

“Have you made any business investments since taking over your fathers business?” Ash then asks and I know that he’s very invested in the whole thing. He’s so in awe of how business like this works and how someone can make so much money. We’re all also interested in how exactly Luke’s mind works in regards to making decisions about his finances. He’s just a kid, but he’s grown up in a life of pure wealth so it’s not crazy to know that he knows what he’s doing.

“I have made two. I know that software development as well as luxury goods are leading businesses to invest into. I’ve invested in an electronics corporation and I’ve also invested in a perfume company,” Luke explains and his eyes light up talking about business . He’s such a businessperson, he loves the world of investments and trade - even if he tries to deny it. It’s all a form of gambling really.

“And it’s grown the net worth?” Ashton asks and Luke and I have had this conversation too. He made the investments the day after his mother died as a way to clear his mind for a minute. He went over it all with Jack and it’s been about a month. He’s smart.

“When my father was alive he had thirty billion dollars. When he died, I inherited his net worth and business overnight. It was when everything hit, so it tripled. Ninety billion dollars, meaning I became the richest person alive. I made thirty seven billion dollars in one day with an investment I had a hand in when I was sixteen, along with my business and one of those new investments. Things are at about one hundred thirty billion. It’s all still going upward though,” Luke explains and I just know those numbers overwhelm him beyond explanation, but he doesn’t want to hide from those facts.

“You shouldn’t have all of this pressure on your shoulders Luke. It’s too much for you to deal with kiddo,” Ashton says and Luke gets upset at that one. He’s very affected by those words - by the use of the word kiddo that both of my parents have called Luke in the past with no harsh reaction - but right now it absolutely sets him off .

“Fuck off - what the fuck? Don’t fucking call me that - you don’t fucking know me,” Luke says and he stands to back away from this whole thing. He’s standoff-ish, he’s absolutely letting his emotions swing wildly and he reacts so infuriated. It’s so scary really, Luke’s been doing well on his meds, but these things still do happen.

“Hey, stay calm babes. You’re okay,” I say to him, reaching out to take his hand and calm him down but he just pulls his hand away and quickly just stays away from us . He knows he’s violent when he’s in such a state and he really doesn’t want to happen to hurt any of us at all. He’s cautious, he stays away and he’s seething with pure rage.

“Fucking leave me alone - you all act like my fucking friends and my fucking boyfriend then you become the issue. You’re just like my parents, I want you to leave me alone, fucking - just - fuck, leave me alone,” Luke says to me and I just know that in five to ten minutes he’ll be in tears, blaming himself for snapping like this.

“No one’s leaving you alone when you’re like this babe. We’re trying to help you, you don’t want to hurt any of us and I know you won’t hurt us,” I say to him and he’s quite literally trying not to hit someone. His hands are balled in fists and he’s averting his eyes so he just doesn’t absolutely lose it. Luke hardly ever makes eye contact with anyone regardless - but now he’s just looking anywhere but at us.

"Fuck off! Don't talk to me, don't fucking - stop calling me babe, stop calling me kiddo - I'm so fucking close to fucking losing it," Luke explains, and I'd argue that he's already losing it right now. He's full of so much sudden rage that it even scares him. Petunia however doesn't sense the rage in the air and she hops off of the couch and trots over to Luke to comfort him. What's going on? 

"We can just have a conversation about this Luke. Remember what you've been doing with Jamie, yeah? We're here for you and we all love you so so much. We just want to help you," I say and I make the mistake of approaching him. I've spoken to Jamie about how to deal with these situations and usually they tend to follow a few steps. 

Step one is try to talk it out. Just try to chat with Luke to pull him out of the intense emotion that's been triggered. It works wonders on most occasions, so it's quite a lifesaver. Step two is to reassure him that these feelings are alright and approach cautiously with visible movements. It helps him to cling on to the fact that this isn't a bad thing, but something uncontrollable, yet manageable. The third step however overrules all steps. If he gets physically violent, leave him the fuck alone. Get everyone out of the room and let him simmer down. We haven't run into step three since being together until today. 

In hindsight I shouldn't have touched him, but he shouldn't have shoved me. It's such a quick and shocking thing really. Something that doesn't really process for a few seconds until he fucking goes at me. It's not that it physically hurts all too much because I'm just so emotionally hurt by this. Ashton and Calum have to physically pull Luke away from me because when he's angry and out of it, adrenaline will really pump someone up I've learnt. Fay just holds my hand and takes me outside with her and Kaykay while the other two just hold Luke so he can't hurt anyone. 

It's all too silent outside and my thoughts are far too loud. Luke shoved me. He pushed me against the wall and his hands were around my fucking neck when Calum pulled him away. There was no intent for Luke to hurt me. He did however want me scared enough that I'd leave him alone. He didn't choke me, he didn't hurt me, but I can still feel his hands on my neck and I feel like I can't breathe. 

Petunia is licking me, she always fucking licks me and I suppose it helps. Fay and Kaykay are both shushing and calming me and I hadn't thought I was sobbing, but apparently so. I snap out of the panic quickly, but I still am just dazed by what happened. How can I live alone with Luke if he could just snap and go crazy on me like that again? I love him so so much, but I don't want to end up hurt. 

Eventually Ashton leaves the house too, joining us and I hate that that just means that Luke and Calum are inside alone together. Ashton just wraps me in a hug and asks if I'm alright to which all I can do is nod. 

"He's alright Mikey. They're okay, Luke just started sobbing and he clung to Cal for dear life. What happened isn't okay though, you need to take Luke to see Jamie and discuss this. I don't want either of you to get hurt," Ashton explains and I'm beyond thankful that Luke and Calum are okay. 

"He didn't hurt me - he didn't. He's just scared, he's so scared," I breathe out and Ashton just shushes me, hugging ne close to him because he knows that I'm trying to sugar coat everything. It was still abuse. He still got physical and I'm trying to look past that although I shouldn't. I love him too much. I love him so fucking much, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. 

"I know bud, I know. He's alright. He's exhausted and he nodded off holding onto Calum, okay? He might not have physically hurt you but he's hurting you psychologically Mike. Just listen to me when I tell you that it isn't healthy. You're letting him hurt you, he needs time apart from you. I think maybe he should stay with Jack for a while. He's been sober for a while now, he loves Luke's company, he can help Luke if you let him out of your sight for a while Michael," Ashton explains and maybe it's for the best. 

"We just triggered something from his past. I just want to hug him and tell him that it’s alright because he’s just going to blame himself for everything. I don’t want him to blame himself, it’s not his fault,” I say and I fully and utterly believe that to be true. His mood swings aren't his fault in the slightest. He had an emotion regulation disorder - we can’t blame him.

“I know Michael, I just don’t want either of you to get hurt. Luke’s really unstable Mikey and I know you love him - he loves you so much too, but he’s prone to getting violent and I don’t want shit to go wrong. Coming from someone who’s been in a bloody fight with the kid, shit can go wrong,” Ashton says to me and it’s clearly knowledge to the girls. I’ve tried to push back that knowledge - I’ve tried to forget about Luna Park and what happened there. Ashton clearly hasn’t forgotten.

“He hasn’t gotten violent with anyone in so long, we just pushed him. You said something that triggered him, then he asked us to leave him alone multiple times and none of us took the hint. We need to listen to him, Jamie said to listen to him and we didn’t. I caused him to panic and he was just defending himself. I didn’t mean to hurt him,” I say and Ashton understands what I’m getting at, but he also knows that it’s unacceptable. I know that too and no matter what I say can truly justify Luke’s actions.

“I know Mike, you treat him so well. You need to see that he’s hurting you though, I know he loves you but he’s hurting you and you can’t see it. You look exhausted Michael, everyday you just seem so exhausted and I know you stay up to help Luke, but you’re not getting enough rest. You need time to yourself,” Ashton explains and I suppose I do stay up later than usual when Luke is around - which is all the time. I’m rather exhausted and my anxiety and depression have been at an all time low.

“I’m fine, I’m going to therapy, I’m getting more sleep than Luke - I’m fine. Luke’s struggling so much and I just want to help him. I want to give him everything that he wants,” I say to him and it all clicks right then that everything is stemming from there. I’m being too accommodating of Luke's desperate desires and he just gets what he wants over and over again. Maybe it's not a good thing. 

"He needs to learn that you can't always get what you want Mike. He wanted a dog, he got a dog, he wanted a house, he got a house - please show restraint to his other wants. He's just a spoiled shit and you know it. You're just allowing him to continue to be like that. I get that he's the richest person alive and can quite literally get whatever he wants, but you’re being so lenient,” Ashton says and maybe I really am. I’m letting Luke do whatever the hell he wants.

“Should I do something? Like - set more ground rules with him for our relationship?" I ask and Ashton at least thinks that it's a good idea. Kaykay and Fay also tell me that it won't hurt to set rules and I suppose not. It's just the fact that I don't know how to enforce said rules. Calum has an idea that everyone seems to agree with entirely. 

"Just tell him that if it happens again - if he lays a hand on you again, then you can't continue the relationship. You wouldn't be lying," Calum says and that feels mean to do. I know it's what needs doing though. I need to show Luke that he can't just do whatever the hell he wants to do and get away with it. I know that this isn't his fault really, he's not in control of his mood swings and I can't blame him for what happened here. 

And I don’t. I go back inside when we deem it safe and Luke and Calum are asleep together on the floor. It really is a sight, Luke fell asleep on Calum and Cal liked the warmth. Calum is a sleeper - he’ll sleep in the middle of the day - any chance he’s given really. He just needs a warm weighted blanket and he’s asleep - or in this case - a warm Luke to lay against him.

The two wake up some time later and Luke is distraught about what he did to me. He just cries and backs away from the situation, apologizing profusely and I just take the time to lay down the law right here and now.

“Luke, it’s okay - breathe love. I know you were scared and I pushed you too far but if it happens again, I can’t be alone with you. That was your warning Luke, okay?” I say to him and he just nods desperately, clearly never wanting me to leave him. He loves me with his whole goddamn soul and he wants to make everything right so he’ll try his darndest to stick to the rule.

I hug him tight, I just never want to let him go and he holds me all the same. He’s so far gone, he’s so broken and tired of being this way. I don’t want him to do anything stupid and permanent - I don’t want to let him out of my sight because he’s just so broken and I’m scared that if he’s alone then he’ll get lost in his mind and try to take the easy way out.

I lay with him when everyone leaves. We lay in the master bedroom, I’m big spooning Luke and he’s big spooning Petunia. It’s like a spoon train really, I’m just hugging around Luke’s waist and he’s fast asleep. It’s some time in the late afternoon, six or seven o'clock and all of the curtains are open. The view outside is outstanding from here with the sun beginning to set and Luke and Petunia are just snoring lightly beside me. I love hearing the snores. It’s just a subtle reminder that he’s alive.

We both sleep through till morning, both of us clearly needing the sleep after all of this deprivation recently. I wake up before him, my arms still wrapped around his torso and I must have only woken up because Petunia had somehow made her way out of Luke's grasp and onto me. God she’s a heavy dog .

“Hey, wakey wakey Louka. Morning sunshine, I love you,” I say to the blonde and he blinks awake wiping at the drool that dribbled out of his mouth while sleeping - he always drools in his sleep and I think it’s so cute. He thinks it’s gross and embarrassing .

“Hi. Aw the baby likes you more than me,” Luke says when he notices that Petunia is laying across me and I don’t think that’s true, but right now she’s trying to lick my face and I want no part in that at all. Luke’s all for kisses with Petunia.

“Get off Piggy, Jesus Christ - she’s so big,” I say and Luke frowns when I call her Piggy, but I think the nickname suits. She’s a dog that snorts and snores and licks faces - Piggy definitely suits if you ask me.

“She’s big boned. Don’t call her Piggy, that’s so mean,” Luke says with a pout, but Petunia steps off of me at that and goes over to like Luke’s face. He welcomes it, mainly because he’s such a weirdo and would probably even open his mouth to let Petunia lick his tongue or something crazy because he’s weird.

“She’s gonna lick your face off love, she loves you so much,” I say to him and he just hugs Petunia, the dog sniffing and grunting like a pig, but nudging her face into Luke’s nonetheless. She’s a but excitable today and Luke’s living his absolute best life being licked and loved by Piggy. It’s kind of cute.

“Okay, Petunia - calm down sweety, I love you. Yes, I love you,” Luke says, squishing her face in his hands and she’s just so loving toward Luke too. She’s scratching at his hands when he restrains himself from patting her and eventually gives in when she whimpers a little. She fits in with us so well it’s honestly crazy.

We eventually leave the bedroom when Luke can resist Petunia for more than about five seconds and he's doing well today. We've got absolutely no food at this house except for Petunias food and Luke argues the fact that we could eat her dog biscuits if we're adventurous enough. That debate ends in Luke eating one of the biscuits and immediately regretting his decision. 

Safe to say that human food and dog food will stay separate from now on. We give Petunia her breakfast which she waits so patiently for like such a good girl and we don't even have cutlery or plates or glasses at this place any who. Just Petunias bowls for water and food and her food. We really do have our priorities, clearly. We do need to eat and Luke needs to take his meds with food preferably, so we decide to order pizza for breakfast because we've moved out and we can do whatever the hell we want. 

Luke doesn't like the idea at all, but he knows that he needs to get some food into him and so he goes along with it - as long as he gets a vegan pizza - he doesn't care which one. Luke tells me to just get whatever I want and growing up I've always had to get one of the cheaper - value pizzas, so I really go all out on this one. I ring and order, almost saying my family home address rather than our new one and eventually a spicy vegan pizza and a crazy loaded pizza are headed our way. 

We lounge around in the living room till our food arrives, the doorbell chiming to alert us of the delivery man's presence and Luke just tells me to give him a hundred dollar bill from his wallet then tell him to keep the change. The man is obviously stoked of course and I think we really managed to make his day. The pizzas look amazing, even Luke's one with fake cheese and jalapeños and I'm just so excited to eat pizza for breakfast. 

It really is amazing pizza. Its got practically everything imaginable on it and Luke looks at me like I'm a madman. He just sits and eats a few slides of his vegan shit, but I manage to eat all of mine and he calls me a monster. I just fucking love pizza and it was brilliant as a breakfast food. 

Sitting here as Luke takes his meds he gets a phone call from an unknown number. It's odd really and Luke hesitates to pick it up. He's scared, he doesn't get calls from unknown numbers ever, so when he decides to pick it up he sets it to speaker and he's very cautious with his words. 

"Hello? Who's this?" He asks and I just sit here and listen to what's happening. Never in a million years would I have guessed what were to happen in reply. When they speak I think my entire stomach flips and I feel sick to my stomach. Luke must feel far worse. 

"Your mother lied to you Luke. We were both was fucking crazy, I'm so sorry. I've been in rehab for fucking over a month, I didn't mean for it to all get as out of hand as it did. I thought it was a fucking joke," Gray isn't dead. I think my whole soul shatters into a million pieces when I hear his voice. Luke is in total shock, he can't even conjure words for a moment and tears are glazing his eyes. 

"What the fuck?" Is all he manages and honestly that's my question too. How did this happen? How did Luke's mother manage to convince us with that suicide note and that  spiel  that Gray was actually dead? Why did she want Luke to think Gray was dead? Why did she do that to him? What the fuck was her intention? 

"She paid me out. She told me to write that note and get out of your life then she fucking paid me out. I used some of it for drugs but I overdosed and I've been in rehab ever since. My family won't talk to me, no one visits me - I'm so sorry Luke. For everything I ever did to you - I'm so sorry. I've reflected so much and I'm not looking for forgiveness, I just want to apologize for everything," Gray explains over the phone and just voice is trembling. He's fucking apologizing for raping my fiancé twice over the phone? I feel sick. 

"She fucking gave you money to pretend to die . You didn't once think about how that would have fucking affected me? I thought you were dead! You raped me - twice - then you were gone and I got no apology, I got no last time to see you and it broke me. You fucking broke me," And Luke is sobbing as he yells at Gray. Although all of that abuse went on for too goddamn long, they were still each others best friends at some point in their lives and it's tearing them apart. 

"I'm so sorry - I wasn't fucking thinking. I was drugged out of my mind and my parents stopped giving me money because they knew it was fueling my addiction. Your mother got into contact with me and I was so fucking drugged beyond it when she offered me money and all I had to do was write a note and she said she'd also dismiss the rape charges. I'm going to do myself in because I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about what I did to you and what I took from you. I'm so sorry," Gray says and he's sobbing too. It's so much to process. Both what he's saying and that he's alive. 

"I don't want you to do yourself in. I don't forgive you, far from it, but I don't want you to suffer in jail and I don't want anyone to know what you did to me. I also need to see you one more time in person to talk shit out. I need to do it for myself, it's got nothing to do with you so I will arrange to meet at your house because I need to see your siblings too. I don't give a fuck if you're in rehab, I will personally pull you out of there for an hour to talk," Luke explains and he's very much in charge. He's not taking no for an answer at all and I'm actually proud of him. He's working through the trauma and learning to help it hurt less. He knows he needs to see Gray to finally tie off the trauma and never look back at it again. He never could have gotten over it if Gray really were dead. 

"I'm so sorry for everything Luke-" Gray begins again but Luke has to cut him off. He's beyond pissed.

"No, shut the fuck up. I'm glad that you're getting help Gray. When you are out of rehab I want you to leave Sydney and start therapy. I need you to do that at the very least if you're truly sorry. Those are my criteria, otherwise I'll always fucking hate your whole being with all of mine," Luke explains and Gray knows he has to say he will. And he does. He says he'll do anything possible to make this right and Luke just reminds him that it'll never be made right. He hangs up and that's that. He'll sort out meeting with Gray after Calum's eighteenth tomorrow. He doesn't want to talk about any of that at all and I respect those wishes.

Chapter Text

Luke doesn't get over it all quickly. He needs time to think and he ends up sitting on the couch with Petunia for a while. He's scrolling through his phone which is something he never does and I'm so confused, but he eventually speaks, breaking the conversation away from the world shattering events of this morning. 

"I'm getting a tattoo. I also wrote back to Mr Pinault and told him that I'm in. But I'm getting a tattoo," Luke explains and it's a very sudden desire. Luke and I haven't talked much about tattoos but I really want one too. We should go in and get them done together. 

"What were you thinking of getting? I want to get one too actually," I say to him and he looks excited that I want one too. He has to explain his and what it means and I just think that its absolutely beautiful. 

"I want to get five tally marks and before you call me crazy, let me explain. You, Calum, Ashton, Fay and Kaykay have helped me through all of this beyond comprehension and I really want that permanent reminder that you five have really saved my life and provided me more comfort and love than I was ever shown at any other point in my life. You all mean the world to me and I want a permanent reminder," Luke explains and I think it's lovely really. 
"What were you thinking love?" Luke asks and he's not the type to use that pet name often, but when he does - I find myself melting for him. 

"Well, love - since I love you so so much, I was thinking of getting some cheesy romantic thing on my arm about how much I love you. I was thinking that 'to the moon' could look nice. You think so?" I ask him and he just traces the letters over my bicep with his finger before he nods. He likes the idea, I think it's romantic and cheesy, so that's what I really want to do. 

"You say that I'm the romantic one, I think I'm turning you into a softie Clifford. Can we chat about the wedding? I really want to talk about it and plan," Luke asks as he holds both of my hands in his, his thumbs rubbing over the backs of my hands and he looks so in love right now. I'm so in awe of the fact that he loves me. 

"Course we can talk about it. That doesn't mean it's happening this month though babes," I say to him and he just pouts before he starts his questioning regarding the wedding. 

"Do you have any ideas on where we should get married or what we should wear? Both black or could I wear white?" Luke asks and he's just beaming with love and excitement for the unplanned big day. I'm glad he's got things to look forward to. It helps relieve some of my anxieties regarding Luke's suicidal tenancies as when he's looking forward to something so greatly, I'm not so scared he might just go and off himself when I'm not paying attention. 

"You can wear whatever you want to wear sunshine. I'll probably wear black because I'm fucking punk rock as hell. Though I'll dye my hair a natural color for the day. Don't wanna steal your spotlight with bright pink hair or something," I say to Luke and he just nods a little, knowing what I mean by that exactly. 

"Is Calum going to be your best man? I kind of want Ashton to be mine if he wanted to be? Of course and if you wanted to do that kind of thing? I have no family to come, so it would be an intimate event. Your parents, Jack, us six. Otherwise I don't know anyone else who should come. It can seriously be that small, I want it to just be us," Luke says and I love that thought entirely. A small, secluded wedding of just the people closest to us. That's all we need. 

"It sounds beautiful Louka. I want to take your last name too. Michael Herlaimont, do you think it suits?" I ask him and he's so surprised that I'd want to go with his last name. Of course I would, it's a beautiful last name. 

"I wanted Clifford. Fucking hell we're bad at this. I might get my name changed to strictly Luke Robert Hemmings if you wanted to go with my name? I'm sick of my father's name really, I don't want to give it to you. Hemmings is always how you've known me. We can think about that later. In the meantime, let's think. We need lots of flowers, then lots of white. We can go anywhere in the world that you want to go for the wedding. I'll pay for everyone's flights and accommodation to wherever that may be - I just want it to be perfect," Luke says and he's thinking too much too soon. 

"Slow it down lovely. You're seventeen, we're so young, we have our whole lives to get married. I promise you it will be soon, this year - maybe next year, but just remember - you're still a minor and it would be very difficult to legally get married as your parents have passed and my mother is your guardian. It will definitely be after your birthday, sorry love," I say to him and he just pouts but he understands the technical implications of everything while he's a minor - orphan. 

“But like - colors Michael. Like a completely white wedding or a rose-gold wedding? Maybe with purple or with red or with blue or-” And he’s absolutely not listening to me. He can’t get his mind to stop once he’s started thinking about something and he’s really thinking about this. He’s absolutely wild.

“Hey, slow down. Hi, your mind with mine now?” I ask him and he just frowns because he knows he gets like this, and when he does he knows that it’s completely out of his control. His mind is certainly a maze of incoherent words all just jumbled together in long trains of thought and he can’t get those thoughts to just slow down sometimes. He fixates and he obsesses and Jamie and I know it’s all to do with intrusive thoughts connected to obsessive compulsive disorder.

“No, my mind is never with yours and that’s why we work well together. I can’t get my brain to shut up and it’s worse now that Gray isn’t dead,” Luke says and that whole thing is a mind fuck in itself. He’s got to talk to Jamie about that. We’re going to see her today, then we’re going to buy Calum some birthday presents.

“I know it’s difficult, but you’re exhausting yourself. Can you try to slow your mind a little or tell me what it is that you’re thinking about like this? Maybe voicing the intrusive thoughts will help you work through them with me,” I ask him and he seems to think that it’s a good idea. He’s going to try at the very least.

“I’m just thinking that maybe because Gray is alive, then maybe my parents are alive too - a-and maybe Ben isn’t actually dead but he got away and I can see him again because he has to be alive. He’s alive, he has to be alive,” Luke says to me and no baby don’t think like that . I knew this whole thing would fuck him over mentally, but not like this. He’s already fixated on it.

“Hey, breathe and think for a minute with me, love. You have Ben's ashes at home, you were there when he died, you’ve got to learn to accept it. I don’t mean to be an asshole, but please Lu, you’ve gotta accept Ben's death,” I say to him and he just doesn’t want to and it’s as simple as that. He doesn’t want to accept it.

“But my parents - I have no proof that they’re dead and we just took everyone’s word for it. They could still be alive and they could want to hurt me again and my Dad could hurt other people again and my Mum could let me get drugged again and I can’t marry you because if my Dad finds out he’ll hurt me and I don’t - I don’t want to get hurt-” Luke is rambling again, except now he’s scared and it’s more of a right panic than an intrusive ramble.

“Shh, breathe with me love. Your father can’t hurt you, he’s dead, he’s really dead - okay? His death was on the news, we can properly tell that he’s dead. Police officers came to your house and talked to you about it. He’s dead. Your Mum, I don’t know baby, I really don’t know. Legally she’s deceased and we have to take Florin's word for it, okay? We weren’t there, but she’s passed Luke,” I say to him and he’s working himself up over this.

His father and brother are dead - that we know for sure. Ben’s ashes and his fathers highly publicized death tell us that much. As for his mother - our proof thus far has been Florin's word and a death certificate. I understand that that’s kind of the final stab really, a death certificate and Luke should understand that. She is well and truly gone. He needs to accept these things. Gray’s just psychologically fucked Luke up.

“But Gray - he - he hurt me and he was dead and now he’s alive and h-he’s alive and I don’t want him to hurt me again. Michael I don’t want him to hurt me again and he’s just out there getting fucking help for his drug problem that he projected onto me. He’s getting clean with the money my mother gave him and I’m sitting here scared shitless that he’s just going to do everything all over again. I can’t let him hurt me - I don’t - fuck - I can’t-” And Luke’s getting so worked up that Petunia just senses his fear and she jumps up on the couch to calm him down. She’s such a good dog it blows my mind.

“You aren’t going to get hurt by him. You’re alright. Breathe with me, you aren’t breathing Louka,” I realize he’s not breathing, he’s hyperventilating and choking on air and it’s killing me. I hate seeing him in such a state. He’s such a talented, beautiful, genius of a person, to see him in such a state - it ruins me.

He’s trembling and I hold him close so he can feel my chest rising and falling. He needs to get air into his lungs in slower breaths and when he’s practically clinging to me for dear life, he manages to get it.

"We can go and see Jamie lovely. You're not alright and we need to go and see Jamie, okay? I know you want to deal with this alone, but I don't think you're alright right now and Jamie wants to help just like me," I say to Luke because he's got a glazed look in his eyes and he's spacey. I manage to get him to the car in his out of it state and I lock up the house to make sure Petunia won't escape and no one will break in. We've kind of just stolen the family car so at least we have a ride, but it's quite the drive from Jamie's. 

Luke trails his fingers on the glass as I drive, he watches the world go by as he looks out the window and he’s not even mentally here. He’s pushed himself to the absolute back of his mind and when I speak I don’t even think he’s hearing me. He’s in such a bad space, I don’t think he’s really even conscious in his own mind.

When we get to Jamie’s I hold his hand and he doesn’t raise his gaze from the ground. I sit with him in the waiting room and he rests his head on my shoulder. He’s out of it but he knows I’m here, he knows vaguely what’s going on and I just hold his hand and talk softly to him, telling him everything will be alright.

I see Jamie’s heart absolutely sink to her stomach when she takes in Luke’s state. She tells us to come through and take a seat. Luke is so dissociated and Jamie knows it. I don’t know how to bring him out of it. She’s not too sure because Luke isn’t listening. He’s gone and we don’t know how to get him back. I have to explain.

“Gray isn’t dead,” It’s all I can really say because it’s all that needs to be said to really help Jamie understand why exactly Luke is in such a state. She’s shocked, as shocked as I was and it really hurts. Luke is lost. He’s lost in his own mind, everything of this morning swimming around and drowning him from the inside out.

“What do you mean? How could such a mistake be made? How - when did Luke find out?” Jamie asks me and it’s all so dizzying. Gray - my beautiful fiancé's abuser is still alive and allowed to do whatever the hell he wants. He’s a fucking monster and nobody knows. He could break another innocent person.

“This morning. Gray called him, he - he explained everything and I - Luke needs to explain it to you. He’s just completely shut down though,” I say to her and Luke’s just looking down at his lap, going through so much in his own mind.

“Luke, we’re going to give you some ice, okay? I’m going to step out of the room and I’ll get some ice for you to hold and hopefully it will pull you out of this,” Jamie says, telling Luke about what she’s going to do, even if he isn’t really listening. And Jamie does go and get some ice that she puts in a cup.

I hold Luke’s hands so that Jamie can place the ice in both of his palms, and I close his hands around the ice. Luke only comes out of it when the ice starts to melt and drip from his hands and it very clearly pulls him out of it. He blinks a few times, coming out of this whole thing and he looks quite confused with why he’s holding ice right now and why my hands are holding his.

“Back with us? How’re you feeling Luke?” Jamie asks and Luke just looks up at her, needing a moment to really just figure out what exactly that was. It’s clearly not the first time he’s come in here so dissociated and so it calms me a little. It helps me breathe a little less choppy.

“Gray is alive. I don’t know why the fuck he gets to live when my whole family has to die. I want to have Ben back,” Luke says and it’s exactly what I expected him to say. He’s so distraught by the lies that Gray and his mother stirred up. She’s absolutely ruined his life almost as much as Gray has and their little payout or whatever the hell it was has absolutely been Luke’s last straw in all of this.

“Explain it to me Luke. Tell me what happened this morning,” Jamie asks and Luke explains it all in great detail, practically word for word about what Gray said and did and Jamie writes some of it down as Luke speaks.

Eventually he’s finished his terrified rambling and I held his hands the entire time in mine. He’s not doing too great after Gray called, but then again he hasn’t been doing too good before that either. He’s been overwhelmed with Petunia and with moving despite it also helping him wordlessly and I just want him to slow it all down a bit.

“Are you going to press charges against Gray?” Is Jamie's first question and rightfully so. That’s one of my questions too and honestly, I think in some ways he should press charges. Maybe that way he could live contently knowing that Gray was locked up somewhere. But I also understand why it’s the last thing he wants to do.

“No. I’m going to go to his family home with Michael and I will tell his family what he did - what my mother did, and he will have to live with the fact that his family knows what he did. They will hate him so much, they’re lovely people and if they find out Gray did that to me, he’ll be disowned and that will satisfy me far more,” Luke explains and he wants Gray to suffer. Exactly what the guy deserves.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be in his presence Luke. I know you want to be strong and face him, but you’ve got to know your own limits. Consider your opinions and ask yourself what will be best for you. Maybe what's best is seeing Gray and if so then that's alright, but if not - that's okay too. Now, let's chat about meds. How have you been doing recently - before this morning," She asks and Luke can indeed explain that one also. 

"I - yesterday I lashed out at Michael and got physically violent which hasn't happened before in our relationship. I've been sleeping more, I've been feeling a bit better overall, but my mind won't stop running in circles with compulsions and intrusive thoughts. I just can't stop my mind once it's started," Luke says and it's such a good way to explain it. I suppose he's the one going through it so of course he explains it well. 

"Want to talk about yesterday's altercation?" Jamie asks and Luke motions to me and asks if I wanted to explain. I suppose I can, I'll at least tell my side of it and I need Luke to understand that I don't blame him. 

"Our friend group was over and we were chatting about Luke's businesses when Ashton, one of our friends, called Luke kiddo . Everything escalated from there because we didn't listen to Luke when he was asking us to leave him alone and I touched him so he pushed me up against the wall and had his hands around my neck. You didn't hurt me Lu, I know you didn't have that intention," I say to him and he just looks down at his lap, clearly very disappointed in himself. 

"Okay. Have you had any drastic changes to your routines recently? I feel as though an overwhelming change may have contributed to your mood swings and compulsions and may have been what made you act out like that. It's not uncommon. You're doing so well every day Luke," Jamie reminds him and I explain the changes to our lives recently. 

"We got a dog and moved into our own home so - quite a few changes really. Also uni acceptances and business deals, right Luke?" I say, trying to get Luke to explain further but he just nods. Jamie and myself don't want to push him, so we end that there very quickly and Jamie instead asks another question. 

"You've been eating well?" Jamie asks and Luke just nods a little, saying he's been eating fine and there's an edge to his words. This whole thing has really pissed him off and he's clearly not in a good place at all. He's somewhat hostile, so when Jamie asks him if he could please step on the scales just to make sure , that's when Luke goes off at her. 

"Don't you fucking trust me? Nobody trusts me with anything and you're all treating me like a fucking toddler. If I wanted to be under twenty four - fucking - seven surveillance then I would be better off in a psych ward or at the very least rehab. But the only reason I'm not there is because I want freedom and you're all fucking monitoring me like I'm - like I'm some kind of lab experiment or something. Stop watching and labeling every little thing that I do. I don't want to be with someone every fucking day of my life. Its draining," Luke is seething with anger, but Jamie just listens as if he said it calmly. 

"Do you think you could benefit from being in a place like that?" Jamie asks and she's really pushing Luke to his absolute limits. He's absolutely going to snap if she takes this any further and I think she's really trying to test Luke's limits right now. 

"Fuck off. Fuck this, you two are insufferable, you care too goddamn much. Grow the fuck up," And Luke sure likes to curse when he's frustrated. He almost swears too much sometimes and I know he gets told off about it, but honestly speaking I'm not too clean mouthed myself so who am I to judge?

"Just a question Luke. Nothing to get upset about. I know that you say things that you don't mean and you're working on that, right? We can talk this out and figure out what exactly is happening in your mind, then we can work from there. Okay?" Jamie asks and Luke just grumbles about something and slides down in his seat, looking up at the ceiling and he's acting like a child. This is exactly what he was like in high school. 

"I didn't mean to snap. I'm sorry," Luke sighs out and he's just upsetting himself now. He's acting out against his own moral, then he's left to pick up the pieces of what he screwed up. It's awful and it's a cycle of self destruction, but he's trying and that's all that Jamie and I care about. 

"It's alright, we know it's something you don't mean to do. I think we should talk more about your meds, yeah? Have you been experiencing anything you think may be a side effect and did you want to tell me about it?" Jamie asks and Luke just nods a little and explains. 

"Well I've been all over the place emotionally speaking. More mania, less depression, but the mania is just as harmful sometimes. I just want to feel normal for a while," Luke explains and he's mellowed out a bit since firing off at us. He's learning to control himself a bit more. 

"Steering clear of drugs?" Jamie asks and Luke just goes on a tangent about how he smokes too many cigarettes, smokes too much weed and keeps finding temporary highs. He knows he's got an addictive personality and he knows it's his downfall but he also doesn't want to necessarily change that exactly. 
"Do you want to get clean?” Jamie asks and Luke just shrugs.

“I mean - I want to not overdose, but I like the high and nothing will change that. Just merely thinking about a cocaine high, fucking hell - it’s amazing - dear I even say orgasmic,” Luke says and he’s awful. I just roll my eyes and he’s being a bit of a dick. He’s always quite a dick really, and that’s the only way to describe him.

“Can you explain to me what it is about it that appeals so greatly to you?” Jamie asks Luke and he goes on a tangent about it all. He talks about his love for the lucidity of a high, along with the crazy hallucinations certain drugs offer. He genuinely smiles as he talks about it all and he’s ridiculous. I know addiction is a terrible, heartbreaking thing, but he’s not even wanting to try.

“I just like thinking clearly with weed. I love that shit, fucking hell. I study high off my fucking ass because it’s the only way my brain slows down for a minute and I can properly think. Like right now? I can’t think about anything at all. My mind won’t shut up about Gray and the house and Petunia and how I didn’t make the fucking bed and about wedding plans and now drugs and yesterday me hurting you and my parents being dead and my offer with Mr Pinault - my mind just won’t stop,” Luke says and he really is absolutely run aground by his mind. He's practically out of breath from that rambling but it gives us an insight into his mind. 

"Racing thoughts are common among drug users Luke. Similarly, you have OCPD. We've talked about this. Obsessive compulsive personality disorder, you're obsessed with perfection and it contributes to your overwhelming thoughts already about weddings, making your bed, etcetera. Take your meds and only your meds and things will get better with time. Doing cocaine and oxycodone will only make your mind race more," Jamie explains to Luke and the blonde just nods along. Finally Luke's OCPD has been explained. 

"I really do want to marry Michael as soon as possible though. I love him with my entire soul," Luke says and it warms my heart. I love Luke so much too. It's such a strong, dense love and I wouldn't have it any other way. I've never felt this way about a person and Luke knows that. Everyone knows that. According to Calum, all I ever do is talk about how much I love Luke. 

In all fairness, Kaykay and Ashton meeting at their job and working together means they talk about each other all the time too. Ashton's job is practically full time whereas Kaykay only works one day a week. Then again Ash is trying desperately to save for uni - but he's having to practically feed his siblings every single day because his mother isn't the most reliable person in the world. He's buying his siblings food every day so they don't go hungry - and he's practically raising the kids when he isn't at work. He deserves the world. He's too much of an angel. He's the complete opposite of Luke. It's astounding. 

Calum talks about Fay all the time too. Fay has been open with her Nan about being with Calum and she absolutely loves Cal - or so I’ve heard. Similarly Calums mother loves Fay, so their relationship is looking quite good.

“But I can’t quit cocaine. I’m really sorry but - I really can’t stop it because it’s eating away at me and I feel so sick constantly,” Luke says and I know for a fucking fact that he’s not had cocaine since France - which in his standards is a damn long time. He’s detoxing, he’s been doing well, he’s been holding it together and he’s made so much progress. He’s got to hold on.

“How long since you’ve had any cocaine Luke?” Jamie asks and he has to think about it. He’s holding my hand, he’s anxious suddenly and very clearly panicked, but he explains to Jamie exactly what I thought.

“Since I was in France. It’s been a month and I can’t think straight because I’m so caught up on it. I hate this detoxing shit - that’s why I’ve been finding oxy and Xanax and anything because coming off of cocaine is making my head spin,” Luke explains and he’s got tears in his eyes because it’s so difficult - and I know it’s so difficult for him.

“Luke, you’re doing so well though. I promise you, you are doing so well - you’re coming off of cocaine and you’re helping yourself - okay. In a  few more weeks time, you’ll be thanking yourself for not using again. You just have to come off of the others too, alright? I know it’ll be difficult, but you’re doing so well,” Jamie says and it’s exactly what I was thinking. Luke is doing so well.

“I needed to talk to you about something. It’s been on my mind recently and I wanted your input,” Luke asks Jamie and he’s finally allowing himself to properly open up to her and I’m so proud of him.

“You can talk to me about anything Luke. I’m here to help and listen and offer my advice. You know you can tell me absolutely anything at all,” Jamie says to him and he has to think about it all for a while. We always work at his pace, listening to him when he is comfortable talking and so we wait for him.

“How do I go about finding alternatives to self harm? I haven’t been able to stop and I think I’ve been desperately trying to distance myself from who I was before Michael. I’m trying to change myself and the only thing that hasn’t changed is hurting myself and I want to stop,” He explains and he’s being vulnerable with her.

“I noticed the missing lip ring, is that a part of the changing yourself - thing? You could talk it out with Michael? When you get the urge to harm yourself, talk out your feelings with Michael and do all you can to stop yourself from seeking those escapes. Can you talk to us about what it is that compels you to do these things?” Jamie asks and I know we both know, but she wants him to talk about it.

“My self image. I mean - there are many factors to it, but my self image is one of them. I only self harm in the shower, I just - I guess I’m insecure and dysphoric,” Luke explains and I know this - Jamie knows this too but she continues on, trying to get him to open up a bit more. Thankfully he does when Jamie asks him further questions.

“Why exactly do you think you’re feeling dysphoric, Luke?” Jamie asks and Luke just shifts uncomfortably, still holding my hand and he’s debating telling us why exactly he feels this way. It’s clearly something big in Luke’s mind and we’re just here to support him through it.

“I feel horribly discontent in my own body. I am six foot four, I’m broad shouldered - everything about me is such a point to me being a male . I hate that so much - I hate feeling as though I have to fit the gender identity of a male. I want to wear makeup, I want to wear skirts, I want to be something that isn’t necessarily feminine nor masculine and it’s weighing on my mind every day,” Luke explains and I know this has all been snowballing recently.

“Do you like using male specific pronouns?” Jamie asks and Luke just shrugs. He’s unsure - Luke doesn’t know exactly what it is that he likes and even mentally using he and him like this feels wrong if Luke is unsure and I feel awful.

“I don’t know. I’m fine with them - sure. I like using he and him more than the thought of using female pronouns. I don’t know how I feel about non binary pronouns. They feel alright I suppose, but I don’t want to change my pronouns, I just want to feel more content with the male pronouns,” Luke explains but that’s not how it works at all. Luke knows it isn’t like that at all.

“Luke, if you want to use they/them pronouns, then there is no reason not to for your own happiness. If you don’t feel content with using male pronouns, then we don’t want to hurt you by misgendering you Luke,” Jamie says and Luke really doesn’t know.

“I don’t want to use they/them pronouns. I don’t want to hurt anyone by making them go through trying to understand because I just feel so stupid. I’m supposed to be content with my masculinity but I’m not and it hurts. I’m supposed to be content with myself, but I’m not and I just want to be,” Luke explains, tearing up and we need Luke to understand that it’s okay.

“Luke, we want you to be content with yourself and to do that, I think you may need to think more about what pronouns you’re comfortable with. If you need time to think about it or if you change your mind on your gender identity then that’s okay too. We only want you to be yourself,” Jamie says and Luke just nods.

“I’ll stick with male pronouns for now - I just - I need to think about it all. I think I just fucking hate myself, maybe that’s all it is,” Luke says and I don’t think it’s that exactly and he just needs to think about everything. He does need to think about it all - but not for the reasons he's saying he does.

“Well, we can keep working on this, okay Luke? Do you journal? I can give you a notebook to write in or if you have your own I would really recommend that you try journaling. I know you’re rather creative, it doesn’t have to be all about self reflection, just write and be vulnerable and you will reflect on things you may not have otherwise,” Jamie explains to Luke and the blonde just nods.

“Is there anything else that will help?” Luke asks and Jamie lists off a few things for him.

“If you hang out with your friends more, surround yourself in positive people’s uplifting tendencies, then you will find yourself not thinking too much about self image. You could practice meditation, try to get yourself into a positive headspace, it should be able to quieten your mind too. Engage in self care too, eat healthily, spend time in nature, sleep more - it will do you well Luke,” Jamie explains and Luke decides to pack a sulk about that.

“I don’t want to eat more - isn’t this enough? I eat twice a day, sometimes three and I hate myself so much. I fucking hate it,” Luke says and he’s still tearing up, very clearly not loving having to put on weight.

“You’re doing so well Luke, I promise it’s all worth it. Do you mind if we could check your weight? I just want to see how you’re tracking,” Jamie asks and Luke just wipes at his tears, nodding and standing so that he can get his weight documented. It’s not a surprise to Jamie that Luke has lost some weight since the last time he was weighed, but it’s hard on Luke.

He just sobs and I don’t think he’s proud. He really does want to be healthy, so gaining weight is a good thing and he sees that, but he hates eating so passionately. He knows that losing weight means that he’s both not getting better and having to eat, which he hates so much. He just wants to ‘get better’ but I don’t think he realizes just how hard he’s trying. He’s doing so damn well.

“Shh, you’re doing well Luke, these things happen and it’s okay. It’s normal - both in weight gain and in weight loss - for the weight to either be lost or gained quickly in the beginning, then the opposite happening. It’s because the body isn’t so used to the changes in the beginning, so it sticks, then it starts to get used to it, then you change your ways slightly - and more changes happen and that’s okay. You just may need to start eating more to maintain your weight, then you can work on gaining some more,” She explains and Luke just keeps wiping at the tears that won’t stop falling.

He’s just hiding his face in his hands as he tries to even out his breathing through his panic and sobbing into his hands. He’s having a full blown panic attack, he can’t breathe and that’s when Jamie and I have to step in to help him. He’s holding his chest, he’s struggling and sobbing broken words through struggling breaths and it’s breaking me.

He holds my hand and I hold his, shushing him and rubbing his back, trying to coax air into his lungs. Jamie speaks calmly and quietly, just telling him to breathe and I think we’re calming him down. He’s sobbing, his eyes are squeezed closed and he just tries to breathe with me but he’s gasping and Jamie really steps in there.

“Take your hands off of him. Luke, you need to listen to my voice. You’re okay, Michael is alright too, I know how much you care about him. Do you know what color he’ll dye his hair next? I think it’s nice pink, but maybe it could look pretty cool if it was orange? Do you think you’ll dye your hair again? It’s getting quite long, huh?” And Jamie speaks, not about his panic, but about my hair and Luke focuses on that.

“I like Mikey’s hair,” Luke manages through his panic and he focuses on his breathing and Jamie’s words as she continues to talk. Maybe this is the best way to get him through his panic attacks. Get him to think about anything but the panic he’s going through.

“I do too. You know, I wish I could dye my hair as brightly as Michael’s hair, but I’m too afraid of committing to something like that. You’ve got perfect blonde hair as a base to dye it like Michaels. Do you bleach your hair when you dye it Michael?” Jamie asks me and Luke opens his eyes finally despite still breathing quickly and he looks to me when I talk.

“Yeah, but I bleach it myself. Luke helps sometimes, right love?” I ask him and he just nods, saying that he likes to have his hands in my hair. He likes running his hands through my hair, he likes the feeling of it in his fingers and it’s quite odd - but I like having my hair touched by him, so it’s a win - win really. Luke likes his hair touched too. Luke loves touch so incredibly much.

“I just use that crappy store bought box dye every once in a while. It’s called something like blue-black, so in the sun it’s blue, but in the dark it’s just black. Should I try another color? You two always make me want to change up my hair too,” Jamie asks and Luke is calming down quite a bit, he thinks about her question before answering.

“You should dye it like - a plum color because you have quite an olive skin tone. Michael can dye his hair any color because he’s so pale,” Luke says with a light laugh and I just scoff because that’s ridiculous. I get that I’m pale - but Luke isn’t exactly a tan person himself. He’s pale too because he never goes outside during the day.

“You’re pale too - we really should go outside more. But what color should we dye my hair? It’s getting quite messy and regrown, I need to cut it, bleach it and redye it. You can choose any color you like,” I say to him and he just smiles genuinely.

“I want to see it orange. We have to dye it like - bright orange,” Luke suggests and although it’s my least favorite color, I’m down to do whatever color Luke wants me to do. I tell him that when we buy Calum a birthday present we can also go ahead and buy some hair dye and some bleach. Thank god we’ve calmed him down.

“Feeling better Luke? Did the hands on your back overwhelm you?” Jamie asks when we’re in the clear and Luke just nods, apologizing for that whole panic attack when he doesn’t need to apologize at all. He’s good, it’s alright for him to panic. I just feel awful for making it worse when I thought I was making it better.

“I just - I could feel my heart pounding in my head and everything just dialed up to a million and the touch was just too much. I just needed - I needed that conversation distraction. Thanks for that - I couldn’t speak much,” Luke says and Jamie asks another question.

“Why did you feel as though you couldn’t talk much Luke? Was it because of the breathing difficulties?” Jamie asks and Luke just shakes his head, taking a few more proper breaths before he explains it all. His asthma tends to play up when he panics and he’s just taking a few breaths to really make sure he won’t fall into an asthma attack after all of that.

“I just - when I panic - I can’t think properly and I can’t - English just makes fuck all sense and I can’t really understand everything or fucking think. I’m sorry - I’m not getting mad - I’m just - I - fuck - shit,” Luke says and he’s having trouble breathing once more but for different reasons. He’s coughing into his arm, trying to breathe and he’s not doing too well.

“You’re fucking lucky I have an inhaler here - here,” Jamie speaks and she hardly ever curses so it’s odd, but she opens the drawer in her desk and grabs out a new inhaler that Luke graciously takes and immediately uses to relieve the attack. I don’t know why she has an inhaler here, but I’m not going to question it if it’s practically saving Luke’s life right now. You can die from an asthma attack.

He shakes the inhaler for a few seconds but he’s desperate for more air so he presses down on the top and attempts breathing in the medication. Luke practically chokes on the - whatever an inhaler emits - and he’s not really doing much better.

“What - what the - fuck? Shit,” Luke speaks in between gasps and he doesn’t want to use that inhaler again despite not being able to breathe properly. He’s not used to whatever this inhaler is, so it’s not much help and he just tries to even out his breathing. He’s not exactly gravely struggling, but he’s not getting enough air and he’s just so calm about it really despite his cursing.

“Don’t you use a mist inhaler too? Shit - hey, sit upright, coffee helps with an asthma attack - fact, so I’ll be back really quickly with a hot coffee,” She speaks and Luke sits up, trying his best to take proper breaths and he tries to calm himself because this isn’t good for his panic either. He just takes the best breaths that he can as Jamie hurries off to get what she says may help.

“It’s alright baby, you’ll be alright. Does it feel as bad as that time when you had the fever?” I ask him and he just manages to tell me it’s nowhere near as bad and I just make sure he stays sitting upright and holds my hand as he struggles, but manages.

Eventually Jamie returns with a coffee and Luke sips at it for a while, thanking her and telling us that it’s definitely helping. He’s still a little wheezy, but he can finally breathe and I’m thankful for Jamie’s quick thinking. Luke should be carrying his inhaler around with him rather than the damn cigarettes and lighter he carries everywhere illegally.

“I’m sorry - I - I didn't mean for that to happen. Fucking hell," Luke says as he coughs into his arm and he looks rather exhausted from all of that. I don't blame him at all. He just rests up against me and I can see that Jamie doesn't even know where to go from there. I can't even remember what we were talking about before all of this either. 

"It's not your fault Luke. Do you want to keep chatting?" She asks and Luke doesn't know. He just shrugs and asks if Jamie wants to keep chatting because he doesn’t mind either way .
“I think we’ve had quite a good chat today, right Luke? Do you want to set up another appointment for a few days? When were you thinking?” Jamie asks and Luke just says that maybe three days time is good, so we set an appointment with Jamie for midday on the twenty seventh and that’s that.

Luke and I stand up at that to leave but all hell breaks loose. Luke passes out into my arms, completely out cold as his body collapses and I’m just thankful that both I caught him and that Jamie is a qualified doctor because she’s very calm about everything and knows what to do. If this happened anywhere else I would have panicked far too much.

“Lay him down, is he breathing?” Jamie asks and I get him to the ground, laying him flat then doing exactly what Jamie says. I make sure he’s breathing, he is thankfully - his eyes flutter a little and he comes to thank fuck - and he’s very confused as to why he’s on the ground. He just grumbles something unintelligible and he’s out again for a second before he wakes up again.

Jamie tells me to keep his legs bent, so that the blood can get back to his brain, so that’s what I do. I help move his legs to how Jamie says to do this and he’s somewhat awake because he’s holding my arm and he’s mumbling something about being alright even though we know that’s not exactly true.

“Can you hear me Luke? You passed out for a second there, were you feeling dizzy or lightheaded?” Jamie asks Luke and he just hums, saying he felt dizzy. We make sure he lays down for a while, until he’s much more alert and eventually we let him sit up and I just sit beside him on the ground, letting him rest against me as I run my fingers through his hair, holding him close to me.

“I’m sorry - that was odd,” Luke says and Jamie explains to us what she thinks caused all of that. She doesn’t advise that Luke takes Paxil anymore - the racing thoughts, the mood swings - she had her suspicions that it was the Paxil and that fainting episode seemed to make up her mind on the whole thing.

“Clearly your body is trying to reject the medicine and I don’t want you to end up with any worse side effects. I think we should get you back onto sertraline as soon as possible, okay?” Jamie says and Luke just shakes his head. Why not?

“No - I want the Paxil to help me. I don’t want to change medications again,” Luke says and he’s just so completely and utterly exhausted. That happens too - when I oversleep I’m more exhausted than when I don’t sleep and Luke sleeping for more than seven hours last night has definitely exhausted him.

“Luke, it’s not helping you and that’s alright. We rushed your change in meds and I should have monitored that far closer as your psychiatrist. I believe as a medical professional that you should have been slowly - much slower - changed onto the new meds. I think you’re experiencing withdrawal from sertraline whilst also experiencing Paxil's negative side effects. I think taking sertraline again will be a very good thing for you Luke,” Jamie explains and Luke just nods because he knows medicine - this kid knows a hell of a lot about medicine and so he knows that what Jamie says is true.

“Okay, should I just go back to the same dosage as before?” Luke asks Jamie and she just says that she thinks it would be for the best. We eventually stand again and Luke tells us that he’s fine when we’re worrying too much about him fainting again and eventually Luke and I can leave to buy Calum’s birthday presents.

Luke’s in better spirits when we go out - after quickly popping home to get changed into something far more Luke as he explains. He’s wearing makeup, he’s absolutely beautiful with pink lip-gloss that sparkles in the light, along with pink glittery eyeshadow on his eyelids and he’s so pretty.

He’s also quite the fan of chokers I’ve recently learnt and I love the chain jewelry that he wears. He also wears the necklace I got him for Christmas practically every single day and it’s so cute that he loves it that much. He wants to repaint his nails, but we’ve really got to get going now, so he pulls on some black boots to match his outfit of a pink silk shirt and flared black pants.

He wants to be seen today, he wants to be Louka Herlaimont  and bathe in the fame and stardom that comes with his life as a billionaire. There are days like this, where Luke takes a lot of photos of himself, gets me to take photos of him and he posts them on social media, very clearly loving the attention he gets whenever he posts anything on his terms .

I take about a billion pictures of him as he poses for me and he’s such an idiot, but we eventually really have to go and he finally listens, hopping in the car with me so we can go into town. He sings along to the music that’s playing and he’s so cute. His hair is wavy and really getting quite long, falling to about his nose if he were to let it cover his face. 

He actually shaved somewhat this morning when he got up, practically bare once more and it certainly makes him look a hell of a lot younger all of a sudden. I don’t know how exactly Luke’s visual age seems to fluctuate as it does - sometimes he looks seventeen, sometimes twenty one and I don’t know how that’s possible, but he acts a whole lot older than he is.

Except now when he’s singing along to the radio and drumming his hands on the glove compartment, he seems quite young and carefree. It’s nice to see, but I can’t help feeling anxious due to what happened earlier. He’s just happy at this current moment and I love seeing him in good spirits.

When we park and get out of the car we have to keep it all of the down low to shop without too much disruption. But something happens while we’re out that’s never happened before - but fills me with such a sense of a different happiness that I’ve never felt before.

We manage to dodge any paparazzi that may be around and we walk around Westfield mall for a while, brainstorming about what exactly to buy for Calum when a girl approaches us. She looks about our age, she’s rather timid really, she clearly doesn’t want to bother us, but she needs to say what she says next.

“Excuse me, Louka and Michael? I don’t mean to interrupt but I just wanted to tell you both how much you mean to me. Thanks to seeing your openness and your drive to unapologetically be yourselves, I’ve been able to come out to my friends and family and I just wanted to thank you both for that,” She says and it’s nerve wracking to stand in front of someone who knows so much about us, but us know nothing about her. But her words really do fill me with happiness because I’ve managed to help someone .

“I’m really happy for you love. It’s nice to meet you too, you’re too sweet,” Luke speaks and he’s sincere with his words. She just looks so in awe of us both and it feels like a celebrity moment, it’s so odd. I don’t like the celebrity status of being Luke’s boyfriend - or fiancé rather - but I also enjoy some of the perks.

“Do you mind if I could take a photo with you both?” She asks and Luke and myself don’t mind, so we both take individual selfies with her and one together and it’s rather surreal, but she hugs us both goodbye and that was definitely a moment. Luke looks both overwhelmed and overjoyed and he just takes my hand again so that we can look for presents for Calum.

We do find a few presents that are really awesome really and I can’t wait for the brunette to open the presents tomorrow and we also buy some much needed glasses and plates and other cutlery for the new house. Eventually we get back home and Luke immediately presses his lips to mine with a smile on his face, pushing me over to the couch so that he can practically lay over top of me as he kisses me and it’s all so sudden but I don’t mind.

I kiss him back and it’s all so passionate as he takes off his shirt and starts to unbutton mine. He’s so charming, he’s so happy and god I love him. He unbuttons my pants and his own and he just kissing me all the while. He’s so sexy sometimes, he manages quite well and I find my hand traveling down his underwear, sending him into such a state of euphoric bliss.

He kisses me, his hands linger by my hair, touching my hair every so often and he’s being so careful. I can’t help but notice that he isn’t hard . Hmm, it makes me think really and I shouldn’t be thinking right now, but Luke’s not hard at all and he’s usually the turned on as fuck one between us.

“Fuck,” Luke curses and he ends it all abruptly, moving away and grabbing his shirt, pulling it on quickly and facing away from me, running his hands through his hair. He's upset. He's beyond fucking upset and embarrassed which is bullshit because I know it's probably his new meds that led to this. Both that and stress about everything at the moment. I don't blame him at all. 

“It’s alright, we don’t have to do this,” I say to him and he just nods a little, running his hands down his face as he just groans about it all. I don’t mind, really sex isn’t everything to me at least although that may be completely different for Luke - but I know it’s a big deal for him. He’s so frustrated, but he’s able to look past it for now.

“Michael, I need to chat with Basil,” Luke says and I think I actually tilt my head like a dog because I’m confused as to who exactly Basil is. He senses my confusion, clearly and so he explains.
“Gray’s twin, I need to talk to him before I see Gray again. I need to ease myself into it all and to do that I need to talk to Basil. Today,” Luke says and I know he wants to, but it doesn’t seem healthy. He sits down with me on the couch as I button my shirt back up and he unlocks his phone, navigating his way to Instagram and to the search bar.

'Basil Goldsworth'

Luke types it in and he constantly uses mobile data, so he doesn't have to worry about WiFi in the house. He finds his account and thrusts his phone in my direction. To say Gray and Basil look practically identical in facial structure and build would be an understatement. It really just makes me shudder to be brutally honest.

There’s only a few differences between the two really. Basil has dark hair whereas Gray’s has always been a golden blonde. The other difference is their eyes. Gray’s eyes are kind of what’s most incredible about him really, the emerald green unnatural looking shade that is capable of hiding all of his true intentions.

However Basil's eyes are green and blue - one green, one blue and it’s so awesome really. The green eye is like Gray’s, that same striking emerald, but the blue eye is much like Luke’s and it’s all so weird. He’s clearly the model type, much like his brother, his Instagram feed is full of professionally taken photographs and his style is rather androgynous like Luke's - just less adventurous.

His account is verified, Luke doesn’t follow it, but he DM’s Basil telling him that they need to talk . It doesn’t take long for the brunette to see the message because when Luke Hemmings directly messages you, replying is practically common courtesy . We watch as the little typing dots fill us both with anticipation and I find myself placing my hand on his leg, just because I can see this all going to shit.

‘ Long time no contact Luke. How’ve you been doing? ’

And I practically sigh with relief because thank god he wasn’t snarky or anything along those lines. Luke just types out a general response, saying that he’s fine , he just wants to meet up somewhere and have a chat. It’s no surprise that Basil is confused, because his response is very much on the confused side.

‘ I’m all up for a chat, is something wrong? ’

And that would certainly be a way to put it. Luke just tells him to meet at that quiet Vietnamese food place in town that Luke and I went to in twenty minutes and Basil says that he’ll be there. We’re really doing it - alright then. Luke looks satisfied, so he makes sure he’s looking fancy enough when he’s got his clothes on properly once more, then we’re off.

Chapter Text

We arrive before Basil, but that’s alright because Luke orders those sugarcane drinks again, both of us taking a seat where we sat last time because we’re the only people here. He sips away at his drink, as do I and eventually we both look up when the door opens and we’re met with Basil - clearly happy to see Luke at the very least, but he’s so much like Gray that it’s honestly insane.

Luke stands up and embraces Basil in a hug, something that I didn’t think he would do, but he needs to do this. He has to face Gray, so he’s building his way up to that and this is a good step. Basil just hugs Luke tightly, it’s such a proper, real hug and I just stay seated, watching the whole encounter. Eventually they both break away from one another and they re-join me at the table.

“Basil, this is my fiancé Michael. Michael this is Basil,” Luke says introducing us both and Basil shakes my hand with a smile, saying it’s nice to meet me and I just return the sentiment. He’s a damn good looking guy, I can admit that - but then again so is Gray despite everything. Basil is a lot hotter though. Not as hot as Luke, but hot nonetheless.

“I’m so sorry about your parents, Luke. Nobody deserves to lose their parents,” Basil says and Luke just shrugs it off, saying that it’s not something that he could have ever prevented. Luke needs to talk to Basil about Gray.

“We need to talk about your brother. I need to tell you things about him that you’re not going to want to hear,” Luke says and he just holds my hand under the table and he tries to bite back his anxieties on the matter. I’m here for him, I’m always here to help him through all of this, he knows that too.

“What’s up? If it’s about him being in rehab, then we know about that. His drug habits got beyond awful and we had to do something about it,” Basil explains and Luke just gets beyond teary as he tries to think of how to explain to Basil what it is exactly that he wants to say. I just hold his hand and it’s enough to help him through this.

“It’s about his history with me. It’s about him raping me twice. It’s about him making a deal with my mother to write a suicide note and convince me that he was dead when he was just shooting up and then getting help for it. It’s about him contacting me and telling me everything,” Luke says quietly and he wipes at his tears, letting it all really sink in for Basil.

“He did what to you? Fucking hell - I’m so sorry Luke,” And he’s practically speechless at all of that and I really don’t blame him. He also is beyond emotional at it, he tears up and it’s a natural thing when I think about what exactly he’s just been told about his brother.

“I was just a kid. I was a fucking kid and he drugged me and raped me, then the night that my father died, he did the exact same thing and I can’t sleep at night because of what he did to me. Then my bitch of a mother paid him out to pretend to have died, just to absolutely tear me apart. Before this morning I thought he was dead - I - just seeing you is so much,” Luke says and I know it’s a lot for him to be seeing Basil right now.

“Kid, I’m so sorry. I want to help you, I - I just don’t know what the fuck to say. I’m so sorry,” Basil speaks and he too is distraught. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to know that your brother has done such a thing. I can't imagine how I'd feel if Ash or Cal had ever done anything like what Gray did. 

"I need to speak to your family. I need to see your parents and your siblings. Please I - it's all that I have to do. I really - I need to see Yossarian and Vianne and Athos - I need to talk to them all about Gray," And Luke is a panicking himself as he speaks, getting really worked up about it all and Basil clearly wasn't expecting this from Luke. 

“Hey, you can do that. You can talk to my siblings and my parents, it’s okay. We hardly ever talk to Gray anymore, but the rest of us are always around. You can come to the family home, we can all talk it out. Our family loves you so much Luke, I’m so sorry that we never knew about Gray,” Basil says and I just hold Luke close to me because he’s panicking silently. 

“I just want to be okay again. I want a family and I want to - I just - please Basil I can’t - I can’t do this anymore,” Luke says to the brunette and he sounds like a crazy person, his words all choppy and panic induced. He’s got to breathe and calm down. He has to listen to me and focus on my breathing because he’s going to wind up in a predicament again if he doesn’t breathe .

“Hey love, it’s alright. He just said that you can talk to his family, we can figure it all out lovely, we can figure it out. I need you to follow my breaths, you’ve got this love, in and out,” I speak, trying to get Luke to follow along and he’s doing so well for me. His eyes just stay locked on mine and he’s following my breaths because I’ve guided his hands to my chest so he can focus on the slow breaths.

“I don’t - It’s all not fair, I just don’t want any of this to have happened. I want my mother and I want Ben,” And Luke just breaks. He sobs into my shoulder and I don’t know what to do. Nor does Basil, I know Luke better than anyone else on the planet and I don’t know what to do. I just hold him close as his body wracks with silent sobs. I shush him as he cries and Basil just looks so sympathetic.

I hug him until he stops sobbing and he falls asleep in my arms. Today has physically and emotionally drained Luke, it doesn’t surprise me much at all and I just kiss his hair, hoping and praying that his mind is kind to him in his slumber.

“Your brother broke my fucking fiancé, this is all his fucking fault,” And I find myself getting unreasonably angry at Basil because it’s all so unfair. Gray traumatized Luke and he gets to live. He gets to live and Ben had to die. Luke has to go through so much every single day due to what Gray did and the bastard gets to keep doing whatever the fuck he wants to do. His twin brother gets to sit in front of us and do whatever he wants.

“I’m so sorry kid, none of this should have ever happened. Gray is a terrible person, he’s awful and it’s not fair that he put Luke through any of that. Luke deserves nothing but the world, he’s such a beautiful, talented person. I’m so sorry that this ever happened,” Basil says and I too have tears in my eyes, I’m distraught and I’m so scared. I’m scared for Luke, I’m scared for his future and Basil - who looks so much like Gray, just seems like the perfect person to project my anger onto.

“Your brother is a bastard! He hurt my fucking fiancé and he didn’t care! Your twin brother broke my beautiful fiancé and he gets to live! He deserves to die, he has to die - you fucking broke him!” I find myself yelling at him, Luke doesn’t so much as stir beside me and if there were other people in here, this would be classed as making a scene, but we’re practically alone so I can go off at him all I want.

“Hey, I know, kid. I know, but I don’t know how to help. It’s far from fair, it’s awful and it’s irreversible. It’s not how we were raised - it’s so far from it, I’m so sorry,” Basil says and my blood is boiling. My rage is seething which just tears me apart because I don’t get mad. I don’t ever get this mad , but it’s all so much.

“I don’t give a fuck about how you were raised! We aren’t our parents, Luke isn’t his parents, I’m not my parents and you aren’t defined by how you were raised! It doesn’t change what your brother did to my best friend, it doesn’t change what your brother did to my fiancé - it’s irreversible, you’re right,” I say and he stays so calm that it frustrates me.

“Baptism doesn’t relieve sin. It’s a declaration of faith, it makes it possible for us to be made clean from our sins, but it doesn’t relieve sinning. Michael, Gray will pay for the sins he’s committed, I promise you,” Basil says to me and I have no idea what he’s talking about but it definitely calms me down. I’m not big into religion myself, but the Goldsworth family seems to be. Maybe karma will get Gray.

“You’re religious,” I state it rather than ask and Basil just nods.

“I’m not the most religious person in my household, but we were raised catholic. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have compared that to religion at all, I will help you with anything at all that you need. I can’t ever take it back on Gray’s behalf, but I will do all I can to make sure that I make this easier for Luke and for you,” He says and he places his hand on mine.

Luke eventually wakes up and he wants to leave. No one has any objections, Luke takes his drink, as do I and we leave. He’s pissed off and fair enough too. He wants to go home, but he clarifies that he doesn’t want to go to our home, but to his Norwest home. He wants to go and see Jack.

So that’s where I take him. He sips at his drink on the way to his house, he hugs his knees in the car which would become hazardous should we crash, but I manage to get us to his home in one piece and he gets out of the car the second I stopped, going to the front door and knocking on it rather aggressively until Jack opens the door.

Luke just wraps his brother in a hug and Jack hesitates a little, looking to me for an explanation - to which I can only silently express that I don’t know what’s happening - so he just wraps Luke in his arms and presses a kiss to his hair as he rubs a hand up and down his back.

Luke is speaking, saying something to Jack that isn’t in English nor hardly intelligible as he’s speaking directly into Jack's shoulder where he’s hidden his face and he’s just holding onto his brother for dear life. His only remaining family . Jack is all that Luke has left.

“Je ne veux plus faire partie du culte de Goldsworth. Je ne voulais pas,” Luke speaks and he’s sobbing, so Jack just shushes him, pulling him inside so we’re not making a scene for the neighbors or whoever may see what’s going on. He guides Luke to his room, still holding him close as they manage to shuffle to his room - Luke’s safe space - and Jack just holds him close.

“Ils ne peuvent pas te faire de mal. Tu es en sécurité,” Jack speaks softly, brushing back Luke’s hair because it’s falling over his eyes and Jack is a good big brother . All he’s ever done recently is put Luke first and I’m so glad that Luke has such a lovely support system in his brother. He needs this.

“Il n'est pas mort, il est en cure de désintoxication,” Luke says to Jack and the older blonde completely freezes. He asks Luke what he’s talking about, he asks in English and I don’t know what exactly Luke said, but it’s very clearly about Gray or his brother.

“No, Lukey, what do you mean? He’s passed on kiddo, you’re safe lovely,” Jack says, still holding Luke, petting his hair and shushing him. Luke can’t explain it, he can’t physically explain it again as he sobs, sniffling and choking on sobs as he tries to explain, but Jack just shushes him because Luke isn’t understandable when he’s like this. He’ll be hurting his voice and he’ll also be hurting his mind. He needs to calm down, I can explain for him.

“He’s - no - he’s alive - I can’t - Jack I - help,” And Luke is practically gasping for air between words and we need him to calm down because he’s not breathing right at all. Jack just holds onto him, moving so that Luke can bury his face in the crook of Jack's neck and just focus on breathing.

“I’m here, breathe with me, I’m here with you. You can smell my cologne, you can feel my hair, you can hear my voice, you can hear the clock. We’re here, it’s okay,” Jack speaks softly and his way to calm Luke down is different to everyone else's. It works, Jack always knows how to calm Luke down and I’m so thankful for him. I need to explain it to him.

“Gray is alive and we chatted with his twin today. Your mother apparently paid Gray out to write the note and cut contact. Gray contacted Luke this morning,” I say to Jack and he very clearly looks a little confused, but more so just so fucked off that his mother would do such a thing and that Gray would do such a thing.

“I won’t let him anywhere near you, I will go to court with you and file a restraining order against him so that he can’t go near you or Michael or me or any of your friends if that’s what you need,” Jack says, brushing back Luke’s hair again, just embracing him in such a real and warm hug that Luke’s been needing.

“I want to kill him,” Is all Luke says and he’s dead serious. Luke wants to commit homicide and he doesn’t care about the repercussions. He’s got a seething rage in his bones and he’s not afraid to kill a guy. That’s what scares me. He’s scary when he’s angry and right now Luke’s blood is bubbling and he can’t contain it for much longer.

“You don’t want that, Lukey. You want him dead, but you don’t want to kill him. Think about what Dad did,” Jack says, still hugging him close and Luke just nods against Jack, showing that yes Jack is right. Luke wants to see Gray dead, he would kill him himself if he didn’t get arrested in the process.

“I just want him dead. I want him to go to fucking hell - I don’t want him to be alive,” Luke sobs out and I just want him dead too - believe me, but I also know that suffering and constant shame will be a better deal of justice for Gray to have to live through. Torture him with the thought of it all. It at least sounds like something worse in my eyes.

“I know bud, I really do. It’s not fair what he did to you, not fair at all and I know I did similar things to Mali and I can’t ever take it back - but I wish I never did it. By no means is it something that is tolerable, nor forgivable,” Jack says and I know he’s changed and I love him for it, but it will never change what he did and he knows that. We all know that.

“He - he drugged me and he fucked me and he took picture's of me naked and I’m a minor on top of everything. He took my virginity - so now instead of it being something special it’s something that keeps me up at night. I feel so unsafe in my own body because he used me. He made out with me and I was so happy, then he drugged me with heroin and he - he raped me,” Luke says and he sobs, just so scared of what happened when Luke was merely fifteen years old.

“I know bud, I know. I want you to meet someone, okay? Shh, it’s alright - I promise they won’t judge you in the slightest for being upset right now,” Jack says and he just winks at me - so I have no idea what’s going on and eventually, he leaves us for a moment to receive this someone .

Jack didn’t lie when he said he’d get a dog. He brings in a puppy, more like he lets it in and it looks so fucking stupid, because it just runs into the middle of the room, then rolls onto it’s back and my god it’s a cute dog . A black, French bulldog, it’s merely a puppy and so so tiny.

“This is the new addition to the household, little baby Lenny. Do you like him Lukey?” Jack asks, picking up the tiny doggy and the dog is just so happy and excited . Luke too, he always loves dogs beyond words, so it's no surprise that he absolutely lights up and his emotions flip like a switch. Jack just passes the puppy over to Luke like a baby and Lenny licks Luke because dogs are just so strange, and Luke's far stranger for not caring at all. 

“We got a dog too! They can be best friends, he’s so tiny,” Luke coos and he really is such a child sometimes. He’s so cute, he just lays back and places the puppy on his chest so that it can lick his face and he just pets Lenny, loving the little dog almost as much as Petunia.

“No shit, really? What kind of dog, what’s its name, when did you get the fur baby?” Jack asks and he’s excited too. The tears in Luke’s eyes now are happy tears and I’m happy to see him happy even if his emotions are wild today.

“Her name is Petunia. We got her a few days ago, she’s a bull terrier mix and she’s three years old. She’s a massive dog, she’s adorable,” Luke explains and he’s still letting Lenny lick his face, licking his mouth as he speaks and - that’s gross - but each to their own I suppose. I’m not going to judge, it’s not Lukes fault that the dog is licking his mouth.

“Lenny, fuck dude - get outta Luke's mouth,” Jack laughs and Luke just laughs, sitting up and scooping up the little dog in the meantime. The little dog is such a cutie, Luke loves him already and it’s a great thing really.

“He’s so tiny, I love him. Can I talk to you about something to do with Gray? Just you Jack,” Luke asks and - oh. I think I frown a little because Luke frowns too and he feels so bad. He just backtracks and decides that I can be here too, but I don't want to impose if he really doesn't want me to hear their conversation. 

"No, it's okay, I'll be in the dining room love," I say to him and he just nods a little, so I leave the room and wait for them to finish their conversation. It’s not a long conversation by any means, eventually Luke and Jack join me in the dining room and I just give him a big hug that he giggles into like a little kid.

Whenever Luke hugs me while we’re standing, he always sways slightly, almost like slow dancing and I love the light motion so much. He always hugs me with his arms around my waist, mine up around his neck and he finds such a comfort in our closeness. He presses light kisses to my cheek, three or four of them and he’s such a lover.

“Feeling better beautiful?” I ask him and he just nods, resting his head on my shoulder and I suppose he really likes just standing here and being close. He must also like being able to rest his head on a partners shoulder, other people he’s been with were significantly shorter than he was, but I’m only a few inches shorter than him, so it’s not uncomfortable to stand here like this.

“I think I just need to be doing things with my life. Every day we don’t have plans, I need to keep my mind occupied,” Luke says and it’s not a bad idea. Uni will start soon and that will take up a bunch of time, then Luke will start his job with being a Gucci ambassador and that will take up most of his time. He’s also got his studio, so there’s that to fill in time as well. We should get a diary to make plans for every day to keep us both busy.

“Do you know when the photoshoots will start up?” I ask him and he just shrugs, but immediately gets a text and it’s from the number he messaged Mr Pinault on. He takes a look at it before showing me the text that answers that question as if Mr Pinault were listening in on that question. 

'Afternoon Louka. I'm delighted to hear that you are interested in the opportunity and I would love for you to start as soon as possible. If you get that contract back to me today at the prior meeting address, then the first shoot would be in two days time if you were up for it? We have a lovely photographer here in Sydney who I would love to see take a few shots of you for the announcement of you as the new global ambassador. Great to be working with you, Herlaimont.'

"I'm so excited Michael. I love you so much, I'm so fucking happy to be alive," Luke says and it absolutely tears me to pieces because - that's the first time it's all felt genuine in Luke's case. He really is telling the truth. He's so happy, he's happy he's alive and I tear up immediately because he's come so far. He's so beautiful. He's flourishing. He's living and not killing himself for it. 

"I'm so proud of you. So fucking proud," I say to him and the day seems to fly by at that. Luke gets the contract back to Mr Pinault signed so Luke spends the afternoon getting measured and signing many documents and we spend the evening in bed, Luke with an acoustic guitar and a notebook as he sings and plays, absolutely beautifully in my eyes and he's writing down all the good stuff. He just lays up against me and I play with his hair as he hums out melodies that he pulls from thin air and he really is beautiful. 

"What do you think of; 'When Facing The Things We Turn Away From' ?" Luke asks me suddenly, turning to face me and I didn't really catch what he said, so I ask him to repeat it. He does and I don't know what exactly he's asking about it. What do I think of it? Well in context I'm sure I'd understand and like it, but out of context I'm just confused. 

"As a lyric? I think you can make it fit," I say to him and he just shakes his head a little, reclarifying once more what it is that he's trying to get at. 

"As an album name. I am making a studio length album, I feel as though that should be the name," And I hadn't realized that Luke's really made up his mind about making an album. It floods my heart with such an indescribable happiness for the future and I just know Luke will create such a needed piece of pure art for others to cherish and hopefully save them how this has saved Luke. The title sounds perfect.

“Yes, yes yes yes - I think it’s perfect. You’re keeping it so secretive, how many songs have you written for it?” I ask him and he just smiles, telling me that he’s not so secretive, but I’d beg to differ. He doesn’t always let me go to his studio with him, he’s got secrets and that’s only natural.

“I think there’s twelve of them. Well, you’ve heard the skeletons of four of those songs, the other eight that I have the structures of will remain a secret for now. I’ve got the bases down for three of the eight, then the lyrics are somewhat done for all of them, just figuring out how to arrange them all. I need a cello,” Luke says and I just laugh because of course .

“You play the cello too, Hemmings?” I ask and he just tells me that he’s not awful but far from fantastic. Luke keeps humming away as he plucks out fun melodies, every once in a while playing something familiar just to make sure I’m really listening.

He only stops to write down any ideas that he thinks are good enough to be saved for later and he makes sure he prints it all down so nice and neatly, asking me what I think - but I’m not good at hearing the music in lyrics or in written out chords, so I always just smile and nod, hoping it’s enough for Luke.

He starts nodding off as he’s playing which is kind of funny because he keeps fucking up chords and I just keep playing with his hair, lulling him off to sleep. Eventually the chords stop being played and his hands fall from the guitar. He’s finally asleep - thank god - because it’s getting close to midnight.

He took his original meds with dinner, so he’s back on those now and I just know it’s all exhausting him so falling asleep whilst playing the guitar isn’t exactly a surprise to me. Today has been eventful, it’s been crazy really in the grand scheme of things and I fall asleep with my arms wrapped around Luke, thinking about how the hell Calum’s birthday is going to play out.

It’s not a surprise to me that Calum’s birthday involves alcohol. Really it’s just because he’s finally at the legal age to drink, but that means jack-shit in out friend group. It’s just us six hanging out, so it’s quite a chill party and I’m honestly thankful for that.

We just hang at his house, eating far too much crap food and drink. We get the presents out of the way first up, Kay and Ash got him a bunch of chocolate and a few CD’s for bands he loves and it’s a great gift that the brunette is very thankful for. Fay got him a promise ring which is honestly adorable, along with more chocolates and a pair of Doc Martins which is a hell of a gift.

Luke and I were smart asses with our gifts really. I think it’s hilarious because we absolutely splurged at a dollar store and just got a bunch of shit for him. Cowboy hats and sombreros galore, feather boas, tiaras and fairy wands - really just every shitty thing we could find because we had a good laugh about it when we decided to do this.

But we also did get him a serious gift too, we got him a bass which seems utterly overboard really, but Luke’s made it clear that on birthdays and holidays, he’s the instrument gift giver. It’s a beautiful 60’s era, black, Thunderbird bass and Calum is obviously overly thankful and doesn’t have any proper words to explain his gratefulness. Luke’s just happy that he’s made Calum happy.

At that we all get absolutely shitfaced. It’s like payback really for when Luke and I got drunk and made fools out of ourselves, we both make sure to take many photos of the others drunk in an attempt to make up for it. Luke obviously overdoes it because he’s a lightweight and doesn’t know when to put down a bottle of whatever spirit goes , so when he’s so drunk that he can’t stand up - I make sure he doesn’t have any more.

Calum is the same however, an absolute mess, can’t stand up, mumbling nonsense and Fay doesn’t drink so she keeps him from absolutely overdoing it. Ashton just gets tipsy, Kaykay leaning toward being just a little drunker and I’ve tried not to drink too much but I too am a bit tipsy.

Drunk Luke means that he’s hitting on everyone and being overly flirtatious, which I find adorable, but also know it can lead to predicaments. For now everything is alright, Luke holding onto me and swaying a little to the music playing, and I’m just glad Cal’s Mum and sister aren’t home to see any of this.

Luke and Cal are furthest gone which is great because it means they're on the same wavelength and they get along well. They're cuddling on the couch which is frankly adorable, but also problematic in ways. Maybe it’s because they’re really touchy feely, maybe it’s because they’re both drunk beyond words - but shit goes wrong rather quickly.

Luke kisses Calum which is one; weird, and two; completely uncalled for. Calum very clearly doesn’t like it, he pulls away from Luke and is frowning, but Luke wants to kiss Calum, so he goes in for another kiss and that’s bordering on sexual assault . Especially when Calum gets pissed off at that.

I pull Luke away from Calum because the brunette seriously looks like he’s going to swing a hit at Luke any second now if they stayed in close proximity. I have to now try to explain to a beyond drunk Luke that that’s unacceptable, but that’s a difficult thing to explain to him whilst like this because it’s like he’s regressed ten years and doesn’t understand basic concepts like the fact that you can’t just kiss anyone you want to kiss .

“Luke, you can’t kiss Calum - okay? He doesn’t want it and we’re engaged, in a relationship of our own,” I say to him, holding his cheeks in my hands and he just pouts, very clearly not understanding how serious that rule really is.

“I hate rules Michael. Why not? We’ve all kissed before, we can all kiss again,” He says with another pout and he really doesn’t get it when he’s like this. Luke is practically an advocate for necessary consent when he’s not drunk because of his past with non-consensual actions and so I really need to get it through to him.

“Just because someone consents to something on one occasion doesn’t mean they consent again, Louka. You know that, please apologize to Cal,” I say to him and it seems to actually get through to him because he actually apologizes to Calum properly and I’m thankful for that one. Calum just starts to cry and we can’t be having that on his birthday. Fay just tries to calm him down.

“Baby, don’t cry love. You’re alright,” Fay says, sitting beside Calum and stroking his hair, but he’s sobbing and I don’t think he’s going to stop any time soon considering how drunk he is. Fay just shushes him and holds him close and Luke tears up because he knows he was the cause of this. Great. Two teenagers crying.

“No, I don’t want anyone to kiss me when I’m drunk because Gray kissed me when I was drunk and he wanted to hurt me. I don’t want that again,” Calum sobs and - fucking hell. I forgot about that fact, I forgot that Gray also traumatized Calum as well as Luke. The mention of Gray isn’t good for Luke to hear whilst in this state, so I just hug him close to my chest, trying my best to cover his ears because I don’t want him to hear Gray’s name again as we try to explain to Calum that no one is going to hurt him.

“No one is going to hurt you love, I know that something awful happened then, but it won’t happen again. It’s okay,” Fay says and Calum gets over it all quite quickly surprisingly and I think Luke is just so overly drunk that he can't remember two moments ago anyway, so he’s over it all too. 

We take a hell of a lot of photos and we honestly make it look like it’s a raging party when it’s merely the six of us messing around whilst drunk. Kaykay has her camera too so she takes a few proper photos too which are still hazed with alcohol and drunken antics, so really every photo is shit, but in a good way.

Getting everyone home is a different story. I can't drive because I'm over the limit, no one can drive except for Fay, so like the angel she is, she does the rounds, dropping us all home and I promise to pay her back for that one day. She tells me not to worry about it and she's just too good. I help Luke actually walk inside and he just lays down on the couch, telling me to stop making the room rock. 

"If only Mr Pinault could see you now, huh? Louka Herlaimont, billionaire kid who can't even stand up because he's beyond drunk," I say to Luke and he just scoffs before he pouts a little and something is getting to him . 

"I don't wanna be a boy Michael. I don't wanna be a girl either. I hate it so much, I just want to be a person. I don't wanna be a male," Luke says as he cuddles one of the pillows on the couch and oh . I know he'll regret having this conversation with me when he's sober, but I really need him to have this conversation and he'll only do so if he's drunk right now, so I keep it rolling on. 

"Do you want to use different pronouns? We can use they/them for you if you'd like? Maybe you'll feel better using them?" I ask Luke and the blonde just shrugs a little. Luke doesn't know what pronouns to use and I just want my finance to be comfortable with how I’m addressing them.

“I want to but I don’t want to explain it to people. I wanna be me but the world doesn’t want me to be me. Man, I’m so fucking drunk, don’t tell sober me,” Luke giggles out that last part and if Luke wants me to use non-binary terms, then I will do that, no questions asked. In my eyes it’s not about what others think, it’s about Luke’s identity and I don’t want Luke to be misgendered by myself on a daily basis if I can do something about it.

“Baby, I can use non-binary pronouns for you if you want me to and we can keep it in our friend group for you to test it out if you want me to? We don’t want to misgender you love,” I say to the blonde and Luke just nods a little, still drunk beyond words, but speaking being more open than ever before.

“I wanna do that. I don’t wanna be a male,” Luke says and I suppose it’s decided. I’ll talk to Luke about this again tomorrow, but until then, I shall use non gender specific terms to make sure I don’t misgender Louka. I manage to get them upstairs and to bed not too long after that conversation and they just cuddle a bunch of pillows to their chest, giggling every once and a while when I try to hug them. 

Luke eventually does allow me to cuddle but their giggles never dissipate because they're in that euphoric stage of giggly drunk. It is music to my ears however to hear Luke so giggly, but eventually that passes and the blonde is out to the world, snoring away as per usual. I find Luke's snoring soothing in all honesty. Maybe it's just because I know for sure that they're asleep, maybe it's because it feels safe, but I just cuddle up to them and find myself drifting off soon after.