Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kel energetically hopped down the sidewalk, returning from school. It was his first day of high school, and he was super excited. He was up almost all night; extremely excited to meet new and old faces, and most of all: basketball!

Faraway was a smaller town, and he had to go quite far to get to and from school; even dodging around some traffic cones and construction to get there. 30 minutes didn't seem far for Kel. He could think, chat with people walking along, and just observe the trees and houses along the way.

He finally got back to town, glancing at the empty park before turning down the main street in the neighborhood. No one was out and about; most of the older kids in town were now in high school or off to college, including his older brother, Hero. Kel stopped at the turn for his street.

Hero...

Kel felt a pit in his chest before sighing, continuing at a slower, but still faster than normal, pace. Hero didn't go to school last year, and effectively failed his senior year. Kel was worried this would dampen his hopes for the new year and college, but after their talk with their parents, Hero was ready to go back out and be a person again. Kel was glad. Kel was happy.

Opening the door to his house, he took off his shoes before putting them on the rack. Hm. No one was home. He guess it made sense; Hero would have a lot of paperwork and need help with his parents to get into studying and college prep. The first day is usually stressful, and he'd have to explain everything to administrators, his teachers, and his friends.

Kel threw his bag on the couch, following and jumping on. He looked up at the ceiling; sighing. He really wanted to talk to Hero about his day. He met a new friend, Jay. He was also interested in sports, and Kel really hoped he would join basketball too. Having a familiar face would make him stand out less. Kel always forced out a loud, positive energy. It sometimes scared people.

He didn't really know why, but he felt like he needed to. Without him there, everyone would be sad.

But, even though he never let anyone see, it drained him sometimes. Like today. As soon as he relaxed into the couch, he felt completely drained. He didn't have anything else to do or a reason to go out, but wanted to talk to someone. Anyone.

Kel turned on the tv to a random crappy daytime talk show; something about a rescue organization for disabled dogs. He smiled, and remembered Hector! He wasn't out when he came in, and Kel didn't remember he was there for a moment. Too busy thinking...

Kel shook his head aggressively, patting his cheeks before standing up. He grabbed one of Hectors tennis balls and went outside.

-

"Hm...it's getting kind of late." Kel had been outside in his yard for nearly two hours, talking to Hector and throwing a slobbery tennis ball over and over, just for the shiba to bring it back with the same dumb expression.

Kel felt his stomach growl. He hadn't eaten lunch, too busy during break with trying to figure out where his classes were and talking to Jay. He pet Hectors head, giving him a treat before going back in.

The silence was deafening. Kel turned on the tv again, turning the volume up high. He felt lonely. He didn't want to. But the tv wasn't the same. His dog with puppy dog eyes wasn't the same as his parents. As his brother.

As Mari.

Kel took a deep breath, deciding to take a bath before he ate. He had bought some snacks the day before, stashing them under his bed and covering them with some old clothes so Hero wouldn't eat them. He knew he wouldn't, but felt he should hide them. He didn't know why. Maybe because he spent all of his allowance on food; 30 dollars.

Kel wished the bathroom had a shower instead of just a tub. Sitting and being still made him sleepy. He turned the faucet on pretty high and hot before throwing off his dirty clothes, tending to wipe his hands on them and coating them with whatever he touched. He didn't bother getting clean clothes, because no one was going to check on him anytime soon.

No, they were busy. Maybe Hero and his parents were grocery shopping. They'd come home and have a big chicken dinner, and talk about their first day, and Kel would be full. He would be warm.

He would be happy again.

The warmth of the water was one of the only things Kel liked about bathing. He felt more natural with dirt on him, even though Aubrey would get mad at him about it, and Basil would make him wash his hands. Outside in the sun. It warmed him.

Kel turned the faucet back off, steam floating off the water. He started to step in before recoiling his foot; it was way too hot. Or was it?

He stuck his hand in slowly, wincing a bit as it burned. Maybe he'd do what Hero did with going outside after his depressive episode. Gradual exposure.

Kel eventually got in, albeit a bit uncomfortable. He tried to relax, but his skin burned. He pulled out his hand, the palm a light pink. Well, he was already in. It didn't matter.

Nothing matters.

Kel cut off that train of thought quickly. His parents mattered, Hero needed them. He needed them. Hero mattered.

He dipped his hand back in the water.

Did he matter?

He felt dizzy. It was the water and lack of food. His stomach growled again. He let himself daze off a bit.

-

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT, OKAY?! I DID MY BEST!" Kel jumped up and heard Hero yelling, and a door slam shut. Kel flinched. He was angry, but he could feel the sadness in his voice. His parents didn't notice it, but he could.

It must not have gone well. He heard Hero yell into his pillow through the wall, then silence. Then sobbing.

"Hero? I'm...sorry, honey. We thought it would be okay. You told us you were ready." Kel's mom said, muffled through the wall. He didn't respond.

Kel decided he would talk about it with him later. He was still sitting in the bath. He didn't want to wash or wet his hair. The longer it got, the longer it took to be dry. To be warm.

Kel let his mind turn off again, hearing his parents talk quietly downstairs. Hero had stopped crying. He was glad, but still felt heavy in his chest.

His parents still didn't notice him.

Chapter Text

Kel had no idea how long he'd been in the bath, but it was dark out. The water was cold. He was just sitting there. He hadn't heard anything, and let his mind go empty. He glanced at his hands, all pruny, and smiled a little. He started to get up before realizing he didn't even wash his hair.

He got out anyway. He usually would wash his hair twice; with his shampoo and his moms, then a conditioner they shared. Kel didn't tell anyone he did, but it was because it smelled familiar. It was comforting.

Kel stood in the bath for a second, glancing at the moonlight coming in through the window. He was worried about Hero, but was drained. He didn't want to deal with him, as bad as it sounded.

He drained the bath and sat back down, filling it back up with scorching water again. His parents still haven't checked on him. Kel tried to smile as the water burned his legs, but tears formed in his eyes, and the corners of his mouth fell into a frown. He didn't want to be sad but couldn't stop it. His face rested in between his knees as he hugged them. A soft sob broke from his throat. He didn't want to. He didn't want to cry. He wanted to be happy.

After awhile Kel finally stopped crying, hugging his knees close. His stomach growled again. He had to figure out a way to get clean clothes. Then he could eat.

Did he deserve it?

Hero was so much better than him. Even before his depressive period his parents favored him. Kel was stupid. He was useless unless he was happy and making others happy. He wasn't happy. He didn't deserve his parents attention, or food, or warmth. Stupid. Idiot. Retard. People called him that at school on occasion and they were right. Hero failed because he was grieving and Kel moved on and still sucked at school. He hated that he could only sit still and concentrate when he was miserable.

Kel took a deep breath, tears in his eyes again. He knew he was spiraling and needed to stop thinking, but once he left the bath he would have to deal with seeing the people he failed repeatedly. He didn't deserve Hero. Sunny should be his brother instead. Sunny needed an older sibling. And Kel was nothing compared to Mari. Or Hero.

He was doing it again. He needed to do something else. Distract. There wasn't anything in the bathroom other than books, and Kel was too stupid to read them. He couldn't leave. He didn't want to be seen like this. He didn't want to, but it was the only thing he could think of.

He saw Hero do it before, when he thought Kel was asleep. Kel tried to ignore it, but it was a teenager thing and they shared a room. Kel didn't enjoy it in the same way, but it felt good when he tried regardless. People usually thought of someone they liked, or "doing the deed", as Aubrey said once, but Kel didn't find anyone attractive in that way. He didn't like thinking about it.

But regardless, he moved his hand between his legs.

-

Kel took the momentary bliss and energy to finally force himself out of the bath. It cleared his head. He moved fast, already feeling his energy draining. He pulled a fluffy towel around his waist and hurried to his room, not bothering with the clothes. Mom would yell at him later. He didn't care. He didn't want to stop.

Hero was in bed, facing the wall, clutching a pillow close. Kel stopped for a moment before getting his clothes.

"Kel?" Kel froze in his tracks. It felt weird hearing someone else after nearly 8 hours alone. He didn't know how to respond.

"Hey." Hero said as he sat up a bit.

"Hey yourself." Kel said, sounding a bit angry, putting on his underwear. He didn't mean to.

"...sorry..."

Hero slumped back into his bed again.

Kel pulled on a loose t shirt before digging under his bed, getting his stash of food. The bag rustled a bit, but Hero ignored it. He took out a can of orange joe and a bag of pepperoni and put it near the end of Hero's bed, exiting into the dark house. It was the least he could do for him.

Chapter Text

Kel's parents were in bed. He had no idea what time it was. Downstairs, Hector was sleeping in the living room near the couch. Kel felt like his energy was completely drained. He was starving, and exhausted, and lonely. He went into the kitchen, setting down the bags on the counter near the stove.

11:34.

He took a bath for 6 hours.

It didn't matter. He didn't have anything to do, but he still felt like it was a waste of time. He should have gone to the park and practiced, or gotten dinner at Gino's. Useless.

Kel went back into the living room and unplugged the volume before turning on the tv. He didn't want to wake anyone up. They'd see him. He switched it to a cooking show. He drooled a little bit, seeing sizzling bacon in a pan. Hero made breakfast a lot and it was always amazing. Kel always ate way too much of it.

His stomach ached again. He was hungry but went back to the bathroom first. The light burned Kel's eyes a bit. He leaned forward over the sink and looked into the mirror. He looked tired. He was starting to get some darker hair on his face, too, since he was getting older. He'd need to learn how to shave soon.

Kel didn't know why he did this ritual where he would check himself before he'd eat but he did. The only time he didn't was when he couldn't, due to other people being around. He lifted his shirt. He wasn't very muscular, but when his stomach was empty he had the outline of some abs.

He turned to the side. He ran his fingers over part of his ribs, feeling and making sure that he could still feel parts of his bones under his skin. It was almost always the same, but Kel was always worried he'd look in the mirror and see a distorted version of himself. He'd look in the mirror and be too fat to participate in sports. To do anything. He'd usually flex and go out with a smile, but he felt like garbage. He blinked at himself a few times and left, going back downstairs.

What did he want? He didn’t want to wait or have to cook. It was way too late. He mainly had chips, protein bars, and soda. Kel didn’t really like sweet food. He also got some bread. Sandwich it is, then. They had some turkey and cheese. Wasn’t much but it was better than just peanut butter.

The sandwich was amazing. Kel relaxed in the dark. No one could see him. He wanted another one. He wanted more. He decided to eat a protein bar. They were a bit sweet but not too much.

His mouth was dry. He opened a can of orange joe. It was better cold, but Kel chugged it anyways. It burned a bit in his stomach. It still wasn’t enough. He opened a bag of chips and went back into the living room. Maybe he’d stop if he had to get up. The food network taunted him. He wanted his moms food. He wanted his mom. He wanted a hug.

Kel wrapped a blanket around himself as he kept eating. Distancing himself didn’t help. He followed the exact cycle. Savory. Sweet. Drink. Salty. He enjoyed the food but wanted to be full. His stomach hurt. It wasn’t enough.

He’d eventually eaten everything he bought. Kel cried on the floor of the kitchen, hugging the soft blanket closer around his shoulders so he couldn’t see himself. Why did he do this? He hated how it made him feel but he didn’t know what else to do. He opened the fridge slightly. The light helped. He laid his head down on the cold floor, and finally slept, tears staining his cheeks.

-

Kel woke up about two hours later. His stomach was pissed at him for what he just did. He rolled on his back and groaned. Why did he do this? He kept thinking it over and over. He ran his hands over his face and covered his eyes. He was useless. He wasted all that money and ended up worse than before.

Kel wanted to get up but he felt heavy. It took him awhile, but he trudged back upstairs. He kept the blanket. He was too tired. He didn’t care about the mess or tv. Maybe he could say it was Hector.

That wouldn’t work. Kel reached the top of the stairs before lurching over. He was gonna puke. He ran into the bathroom, dropping the blanket. Kel barely made it. His eyes burned. His throat burned. He clenched the side of the toilet. He was so fucking pathetic.

Kel panted and calmed down a bit, tears still in his eyes, before it came again. There was less, but it still hurt. It was for the best. He enjoyed the food but didn’t have to keep the calories. He stared in the toilet at what came up. Some of it was barely digested. Kel didn’t even remember how it felt after the first sandwich. He didn’t do this often but when he did he lost all control.

He pulled back from the toilet and rested his head against the side of the counter, panting. He thumped his forehead against it lightly.

Kel felt sad.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Kel was pathetic. He’d never get on a team like this. How would he even pass? He barely got through middle school. His best grade was a C+.

Kel felt depressed.

Useless.

Useless.

Useless.

He was a waste of space. Of money. Time. Hero would be better without him. His parents would focus on him more than they already did. He’d have a big room for all his awards. He wouldn’t have to deal with Kel’s mess.

Kel felt miserable.

Worthless.

Worthless.

Kel sobbed.

Worthless...

Chapter Text

Kel didn't know long he was in the bathroom, similar to earlier. He didn't want to move. He wanted someone to rub his back and comfort him but was terrified at the same time. This secret would be out.

Kel tried to stand up. He used the counter to prop himself but stumbled. He needed to clean. No one could know. He stood up shakily and went to flush the toilet. He glanced at it again. Just looking made him nauseated. It was gonna happen again. He gripped the counter.

"Kel? Are you-" Hero. His voice was extremely strained. He must of been crying again.

Right as he said his name, Kel hunched over and puked again. He missed the toilet. This was wrong. This was so wrong. No one ever saw him, it was almost 3 am. He'd set an alarm when he did this before and checked no one was up. He spit a bit on the floor, and Hero patted his back. Kel jumped a bit, but allowed it. He wanted it but didn't deserve it.

"Are you okay?" God dammit, why did he say that? Kel started to cry again. He wasn't. He so obviously wasn't.

"J-just...crap food." He barely choked it out. His chest hurt. He needed Hero to go back to bed. There was still a mess downstairs.

"Do you need some water? I can go downstairs and get some."

"No! I mean..." Kel pointed at the sink. Hero looked and eyed him a bit. They made eye contact. His eyes were red and he had bags under them. Maybe he didn't sleep either. What if he saw him on the floor earlier?

"I'm going to get you a cup. You should flush it and wipe off the floor, if you can." Hero stood up. Kel grabbed his wrist.

"Don't...don't leave me." He couldn't know. He couldn't know. He'd hate him.

Hero resisted a bit but sighed.

"Crappy first day for us both, huh? It was awful. I tried...so hard. The first counselor was fine. I explained it simply. "I lost a close friend. That's why I was absent." But different people kept asking. Mari was the only...the only death in town this year. They asked if... if I saw her body. I couldn't hold myself together."

Kel felt bad. He was selfish. He really was begging for his parents in his mind when Hero went through that? He was a horrible brother. He didn't deserve anything. He hated himself.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. You... didn't do anything."

Kel glanced over his shoulder and looked at Hero's pants. He should know.

"...I'll take the water now." Mistake. Hero turned to go out and Kel filled his hands with water, rinsing out his mouth. He grimaced as he looked at the toilet again. Disgusting. He stepped around the mess on the floor and shut the lid before flushing. He went after Hero.

Kel grabbed the blanket again. He had to explain and needed to keep his hands busy. He was at the top of the stairs while Hero got to the bottom. He stopped and just watched as he disappeared into the living room, covering his mouth with the blanket and sighing. This was a mess. He had no idea what would happen.

Silence. Why wasn't he yelling about the mess? There was crap everywhere. Kel sucked. He decided to go downstairs as well, hugging the blanket around himself again. It was the only comfort he had right now.

"...huh." Huh? Hero was just looking at the mess of wrappers on the counter. That was his reaction. Kel stood in the doorway and leaned against it. He was still exhausted. He glanced at the fridge, still open. He wanted to eat more, despite the taste of vomit in his mouth and nausea.

"...I'm- sorry." Kel said it again, choking on his words. He tried to stay together but collapsed to the ground, crying hard. This had to be the lowest point of his life. He would never be able to succeed. His family hated him. Hero hated him. Aubrey, Sunny, Basil; they all hated him. That's why they wouldn't talk to him.

He needed to fix himself. Something was wrong with him. Kel glanced at his arms under the blanket. He squeezed near his elbow on his left one with his right hand. They weren't thin enough. He needed to work out more, maybe Jay could help him- if he dieted he'd lose weight faster with exercise and maybe he'd be loved again. He'd be happy.

Kel's train of thoughts finally crashed as Hero pulled him into a hug. He'd figured it out. His secret was out. He was a fucking pig. Why was he touching Kel? He'd make him dirty. He'd ruin his perfect brother. Kel still hugged back. He was still crying but it was similar to a leaking faucet at this point.

"Kel, I don't know what's going on with you, but I'm here. I wasn't for a long time, a-and I'm sorry. But...this isn't okay. We can keep it from mom and dad for now, but..." Whatever Hero was saying, Kel couldn't understand it. He grasped Hero's shirt and looked back at the counter. He failed him, again. Being happy didn't work. Being sad didn't work either. Kel didn't know what to do. He just let Hero talk and closed his eyes, enjoying the contact.

He'd try harder.

Chapter Text

After Hero had finished talking, him and Kel cleaned up in silence. Kel knew his parents would be upset about this. 30 bucks was a lot of money and he made a mess, upstairs and downstairs. He didn't know how the next day would go but all Kel knew was he needed to sleep.

The bathroom was worse. Neither of them wanted to clean it. Hero got some gloves and simply threw a towel down and stepped on it, then threw the towel in the bag with the rest of the garbage. Another 10 dollars. Kel should get a job. Money was something his parents needed, and he wasted a good amount already.

It took some encouragement from Hero, but Kel brushed his teeth before bed. He'd always been bad about doing it, he'd just forget. He did in the morning but at night it was harder. He hates how toothpaste tastes and didn't want it in his mouth all night either. Tonight was a big exception for obvious reasons.

Kel finally was calmed down after everything was gone. There was no evidence other than what Hero had seen. He didn't have any money left but it was easy to cover up, he could just say he spent it at hobbeez on a new game or two. Kel flopped onto his bed and glanced at the wall.

He still felt crappy but at least Hero was here for him tonight. He was nervous about what would happen from now on. Thankfully they didn't have school tomorrow, as it was Friday, for some reason. Maybe it was so paperwork and syllabus signings could be done over the weekend. Him and Hero could catch up on much needed rest.

-

Kel didn't even dream. It felt like he was asleep for a maximum of 30 minutes before the sun shone in his face. He kept his eyes closed. As soon as they were open and he got up he'd have to pretend like everything was okay. He did it for Hero but it didn't work and Hero would see through it now.

Kel still put on the act. He flipped to his back and jolted up, looking at Hero. He was still in bed too. Ha, Mr. Perfect slept in on Saturday. Scandalous. He got up and stretched, letting out an exaggerated groan. He needed to get going. Where? No idea. His brain fog was gone so he could do it today. Hero still didn't budge. When he didn't get up on time Kel was his alarm clock. Hero usually did, though.

Kel plopped down on Hero's bed, and poked his side every few seconds. He wiggled a bit and groaned in annoyance. Kel decided to shake him awake.

Hero turned on his back and opened his eyes slowly, meeting Kel. Kel's smile faltered for a second as they made eye contact but he kept it up. It was all he had to feel normal right now.

"Rise and shine! It's already... nevermind, I didn't check." Kel glanced at the alarm clock but couldn't read it easily. Analog clocks were hard. He'd always mess up the hour hand and the minute hand. The letters were too small.

"Based on the sun, at least 11. Jeez." Hero groaned a bit more, stretching out. Kel got up to let him get up easier. "Anything we gotta do today?" Kel shouldn't have asked but he didn't want to see his parents.

"Mmm. I don't know. I just have...paperwork. And I wanna read a bit. That's about it. Might go to the library later." Kel huffed a bit.

"That's not fun at all. Maybe we can go to the park. Do a work out session or something, we can get ripped and get sweet babes. I don't know why I said that-" Hero chuckled a bit. "I should get more active. Being cooped up hasn't helped much. I'll probably be a bit behind you, though." Yes! He could exercise and it would benefit them both. Kel skipped it yesterday. It was fine, he needed at least one rest day per week.

Hero got up and Kel bounced a bit. He didn't know why but it kept his brain from shutting down. He didn't want to think about food.

"Should...should we have breakfast?" Kel stopped for a second. "Up to you." Please say no please say no please say no-

"Maybe we should just have some fruit. Have some apples we need to get rid of." Ah. It wasn't too many calories, so Kel was fine with it. Around 80 each. He could eat two. Apples were a bit filling, so maybe he could skip lunch too. "Wait... crepes." Kel liked them, but why was he just...letting him eat? He saw last night. Neither of them had said anything about it yet.

"Uhm. Sure!"

Chapter Text

Saying Hero had an awful day was an understatement. People that used to be his friends kept asking if he saw Mari's body. He tried to be strong. He just couldn't. He eventually broke down and had to bolt to the bathroom. One of his teachers thought he was vomiting, but let him go to the counselors when he heard sobbing from one of the bathrooms.

Hero tried to believe he could handle it, that he just needed a minute, but almost an hour of uncontrollable crying in the nurses office prompted his parents to be called. It was for the best, he supposed. His mom pulled up and checked him out around an hour before school was over.

The ride back was awkward. Hero looked at the street passing by, unfocused on what his mom was saying. What a perfect son he was; had to leave on the first day of school, after he skipped a year, because he was crying too much. Manly.

"Hero? I know that was rough, but I need to you to be strong. Take the weekend, but college is approaching, fast. They won’t give you another year for some places.”

“I know, mom.” Hero knew explaining wouldn’t work. His parents were both hell bent on him going to college and being a doctor. He wanted to, but...it was too much pressure.

“Don’t sass me.” What? That wasn’t sass. Hero rolled his eyes and kept looking out. To his surprise they weren’t going home. She skipped the turn.

“I need to get some groceries for tonight. There isn’t much at home and we all need dinner. Do you wanna come in and help?” Obviously, no. He didn’t. Hero looked like shit and didn’t want to see anyone, or anyone to see him. He didn’t want to do anything. He just wanted to stop upsetting Kel, do better for Mari, and move on with his life. He teared up just thinking her name. He glanced to make sure she was looking and shook his head no. She gave a huff of disappointment.

“Gee, thanks mom.”

“Henry.”

“Natalia.” His mom slammed on the breaks.

“God, what has gotten into you?! I thought we were over this. Losing someone is hard, but... you it’s like you can’t even function-“ Too far. Way too far. Hero was pissed. He pulled the lock up and ran out the door, slamming it behind him. His mom reached out before it closed. They were on a random tree lined street between the main town and Faraway town. He disappeared a few feet into the trees and leaning his head against one.

Hero yelled. He screamed. He looked up at the branches. These things took everything from him. How could no one understand that? Faraway was small, yet everyone still kept asking and asking, if he found Mari. Of course he didn’t. It wasn’t like he just was walking around and stumbled into something on the ground, she was his girlfriend- he wanted to walk into the school with her hand in his last year. He had the perfect girlfriend. Kind, beautiful, and talented. And she was gone in an instant. He saw nothing. She told him nothing.

It took all his strength to walk around the building alone this year. His parents, especially his mom, didn’t care about that fact. He was supposed to be the perfect fucking son that was going to just, get over the death of the love of his life, and win a bunch of shiny trophies for mommy and daddy when he felt like it.

He wasn’t that. He hurt his brother and all his friends. He didn’t even know how Aubrey, Basil, Sunny, or even Kel was doing. And Hero lived with him. He was selfish, and wanted to be. Everything was hard. It was hard for him to just drag himself to the bathroom that entire time. To eat anything. To do anything other than exist.

“Hero. I’m sorry, but... we need to go. Kel is probably worried.” Hero sighed and turned. He was pretty tall compared to her, but he could still avoid eye contact. When Hero didn’t respect someone he wouldn’t even grace them with that simple gesture.

“Imagine if dad died. That’s how it felt. How it still feels.” Smack. Hero couldn’t even be mad. He was just disappointed. Disappointed his mom wasn’t the answer to his problems.

“Get in the car. If you don’t, I’m leaving you here.” It was an empty threat, but Hero held his ground for a few seconds, hands balled into fists. He sat in the back wordlessly and covered his face as best he could with his hand, leaning on the door. They both sat in silence.

When they got back, Hero scrambled to get out of the car as fast as possible. He wanted to go to bed. Him and his mom were both still mad and needed to calm down. She would try to talk to him. And she did.

“Don’t make a scene, you’ll scare Kel-“ He opened the door, clutching the handle before turning to face her one more time.

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT, OKAY?! I DID MY BEST!" Hero threw his backpack by the door and ran up the stairs. He wasn’t dealing with her today. He pushed open the bedroom door and kicked it closed, jumping on his bed. He buried his face in his pillow, and yelled. This was so humiliating and pointless. Why did he try? Why did he think he could?

And for the second time today, he cried. Hero was surprised his pillow wasn’t moldy with how much he did cry into it. He heard a knock and ignored it. His mom didn’t care. She wouldn’t have made him do that today if she did.

“Hero? I'm...sorry, honey. We thought it would be okay. You told us you were ready." Lies. Liar. She wasn’t sorry. She just wanted him to stop being mad. He would hold onto this as long as possible, just to spite what she said.

-

Hero didn’t know what time it was when he woke up. He must of dozed off, since it was dark. His sleep schedule was getting better, but he was only taking it seriously for a couple days until now. He’d usually go to bed around 5 in the morning, sleep until 1, be up for a bit, and sleep again until dark. If it was dark and no one was home, there was less of an expectation for him to do things.

Hero turned on his side and saw the clock. It was pretty late, almost 2 in the morning. The house was silent other than the usual white noise. He laid on his back, looking up at the ceiling. It was familiar at this point. He didn’t like doing this, but it helped him relax.

He imagined Mari next to him, an arm over his chest and her soft hair on his arm. He imagined running his hand through her hair as she giggled. He wished it was real. He wished he didn’t feel the urge to do this.

Hero cuddled with the imaginary Mari and started to drift back off to sleep. He was startled out of his daydream as he heard the stairs squeak. Was Kel here? Hero got so caught up in what was going on earlier he forgot. How could he forget? It was Kel’s first day of high school. It was huge for himself and Mari; they had actually thrown a party. It wasn’t long after they had met Aubrey and subsequently, Basil. They were so excited for him and Mari.

Hero sat up and looked. Kel wasn’t asleep, or even in the room. That was weird. Kel almost always slept through the night, heavily. Hero assumed he was sleeping this whole time. Why was he up? It was always a bit hard to wake him up, so why now? He should check. He slowly stood up, still a bit nervous. And weak. He didn’t eat today other than breakfast. It didn’t matter. He could get back into it tomorrow, make the two of them breakfast. Making up with his mom would be weird, but he didn’t like eating this late.

Just as Hero was going to step out, he heard gagging. Then dripping. Puke. Definitely. He heard Kel cough a little, and decided to wait by the door until he was done. Just hearing it made himself nauseous.

Hero took a bit to steady himself and hesitantly walked out. Kel could handle himself, for the most part, but he was worried. His mom probably ignored him all night. She did that a lot. Kel could handle a lot by himself, but he knew it got to him.

The bathroom door was open. The light was bright, just through the crack. Hero knocked gently, and pushed it open. “Kel, are you-“ Kel glanced at him before puking on the floor. There was a look in his eyes Hero had never seen. He couldn’t help but reel back a bit. He hated vomit. It hurt to watch and see, but he walked over and put a hand on Kel’s back. Hero was a bit startled when Kel jumped, but figured it was because of the current... situation. He spit on the floor. Gross, but understandable.

“Are you okay?” Kel’s eyes narrowed. Then Hero saw tears. Well, he obviously wasn’t, but it was a common courtesy question. Puke was all over the floor, and it was super late. “Just...crap food.” Hero could agree with that. His voice was strained in a way that made his Hero’s chest tighten up. Must of hurt. The high school cafeteria was far from good, sometimes inedible. Maybe he could make them both lunch from now on. It would be a good routine for himself, and Kel could eat better. He had to be sick of leftovers and sandwiches by now.

“Do you need some water? I can go downstairs and get some.” Hero figured he wanted to rinse out his mouth. He didn’t think Kel cared, but he didn’t like how bathroom water tasted. It was just... grosser.

“No! I mean...” Kel gestured at the sink. Yeah, he didn’t care.

"I'm going to get you a cup. You should flush it and wipe off the floor, if you can." Hero stood up. Kel grabbed his wrist. Hero winced a bit. Was Kel really that strong, or was he that weak? He heard him mumble something but couldn’t really understand it. Hero crouched down a bit. He looked really stressed.

"Crappy first day for us both, huh? It was awful. I tried...so hard. The first counselor was fine. I explained it simply. "I lost a close friend. That's why I was absent." But different people kept asking. Mari was the only...the only death in town this year. They asked if... if I saw her body. I couldn't hold myself together." Hero sighed and took a deep breath. That was hard.

Kel made a strange face for a bit. Hero couldn’t tell what emotion it was, confusion? Maybe.

“I’m sorry.”

What? Kel didn’t do anything. There was a bit of a mess, but it’s not like it was his fault for puking everywhere.

“It's okay. You... didn't do anything." He meant it but Hero’s tone was a bit off from what he wanted. He should have been there for Kel earlier. They were both in the same building and Kel was usually good at cheering him up, which would have avoided the fight he had with his mom. He should have been there, for both of them.

They stood there for a bit, Kel just looking at Hero’s legs. It was a bit awkward, but he let Kel think and gather what he wanted to do. He still wanted to get him some water. If he got some for Kel, he could get some for himself too. It was easier for Hero to take care of himself when he had to take care of others, too.

“...I’ll take the water now.”

Chapter Text

Hero didn't really know why Kel was so upset over some water, but he pat his head before he left. It was a small gesture they did when they wanted the other to calm down a bit. There was a blanket at the top of the stairs. Kel was probably using it and dropped it when he darted to the bathroom. The nausea probably kept him up. He heard him rinsing out his mouth, and headed downstairs.

The tv was on. Hero turned it off. Kel was probably up watching it to calm him down. It didn’t really work. Hector wiggled around a bit and Hero pat his head, the dog licking his nose before going back to sleep. He smiled at him before he went into the kitchen.

He stopped in his tracks. There was trash everywhere. Hero couldn’t really process what was going on. He guessed Kel probably bought this food himself, since there wasn't really anything in the house, but... it was a bit excessive. Even for Kel. The fridge was open, too.

"...huh." Hero still didn't really know what happened. He tried to think from his own perspective. When he was hungry, he'd usually just get a snack and move on. He’d skip meals, but it was because he’d be too depressed to get something or cook for himself. It was getting better, but... this was too much. Did Kel not eat today? He said “crap food”, but he assumed that Kel meant the cafeteria food. He must have meant this.

"...I'm- sorry." Hero was snapped out of his thoughts as Kel let out a sob, sinking to the floor behind him. He turned to face him, a bit in shock. What happened? What was going on with his baby brother? He wasn’t there for him. He ignored him almost for an entire year. He failed Kel. And he was breaking down. The crying hurt his heart. He’d almost never seen Kel cry, even as a kid. He’d pat his face a few times, shaking it, and get right back to smiling.

He couldn’t fail him now. Hero pulled him into a hug, feeling Kel twitch again. He slowly leaned into him.

"Kel, I don't know what's going on with you, but I'm here. I wasn't for a long time, a-and I'm sorry. But...this isn't okay. We can keep it from mom and dad for now, I know how they are, but..."

“But, I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I was a bad brother. I’ll be here now, as hard as it is. I love you, Kel. So much. Please don’t forget that. Mom is mad at me right now, so...we should clean this. If she gets mad at you too it’ll be worse.” Hero sighed a bit. He went a bit too far earlier. Just a bit. She wasn’t being a good mom during that ordeal, but he wasn’t being a good son either.

Hero slowly let go and stood back up. Kel stood up, silent. Kel was never silent. He needed to figure out what was going on, but now wasn’t the time. The kitchen and bathroom were both a mess. Hero got the trash bags out of a cabinet under the sink and looked back at the counter. Most of it was wrappers, but there was also sandwich stuff out. He set it aside and started grabbing protein bar wrappers.

7.

Orange joe. That was why the vomit was orange, of course. Hero hated it. Also had tons of caffeine, which Hero blamed Kel’s excess energy on for awhile. He figured out a bit ago from one of his psychology books that he probably had ADHD instead. Still, why did he like it so much? It tastes gross. He didn’t understand.

4.

Hero furrowed his eyebrows. This was way too much. No wonder Kel threw up. Chips.

5.

This didn’t even take into account however many sandwiches he had, which had to be multiple, purely based on the volume he brought back up. Hero stumbled across a receipt, reading it. Hm. Kel bought the bread. He looked back at it. Half of the loaf was gone. He had no words, or thoughts for that matter. Kel was always a big eater. But why this? It was super late. Why did he hide it? Why this much? He could have just asked for dinner. Their parents had been away recently, working extra hours for his school savings, but it’s not like they’d say “no, starve at home” to either of them. Hero would have to talk to them. There wasn’t anything in the fridge, really. Just some eggs and milk, and Kel hated milk. He also didn’t know how to cook, other than basic stuff like scrambled eggs and grilled cheese. Eggs by themselves weren’t a meal, either. He was mad now. It wasn’t Kel’s fault, but he still wished this didn’t happen.

Hero shook his head and finished up. He decided to throw the bread and receipt away, knowing his parents would be mad if Kel spent 30 bucks just to throw it up. They weren’t allowed to waste food. There wasn’t that much meat or cheese left, but he put it back anyways. Kel just watched, silently messing with the blanket. The look he had hurt. He could tell. This wasn’t something Kel wanted anyone to know. He looked embarrassed. Mortified.

The bathroom was worse. Hero had always been weirdly germaphobic about them. Not anything else, just bathrooms. Well, some kitchen stuff, but that was for safety reasons. He’d have to wear shoes in it until he moped it properly. He got the bag and threw a towel down, stepping on it with his shoes on. Oh god it was squishy-

Hero used the inside of the bag to pick up the towel. He was wearing gloves but it was still too much. He cringed, the end touched his arm. Gross gross gross- Kel was still watching. He put the bag down and looked around the toilet. He wanted to clean it, but it would be too noisy. And he didn’t want to go near it. He needed to clean his hands off.

He put the bag on the floor, putting the gloves in, and gave the bag to Kel. He dropped the blanket and took it outside. Still silent. As soon as he was out of the bathroom, Hero washed his forearms and hands. Aggressively. God, he hated bathrooms. And puke. He threw another towel down over the dried crap. He didn’t wanna deal with this now. That one could be washed, a few times, and saved. His parents wouldn’t notice one less towel, shit went missing a lot. It was brown with a bleach spot. Hero vowed to not use it ever again. He could probably say there was water on the floor or something.

He did a second glance and was satisfied with it, for now. This could wait until tomorrow. He wanted to go to bed but he knew Kel didn’t brush his teeth. If there was anything still in his mouth, the acid could mess them up.

Kel kept trying to go to bed, but Hero eventually got him to. He looked pissed the entire time. Kel immediately went to bed after, passing out fast. Hero was glad he went to sleep normally. It was the one bit of familiarity through the entire day.

Hero needed to figure out what was going on with him. He decided that he would go to the library tomorrow. Hero was going into medical care, but he didn’t know specifically what until after Mari died: Psychology.

He had a few ideas about what was going on, but he was unsure, exactly. Kel had some problems with overeating as a kid, but he’d never feel bad about it.

He needed to figure out why his brother broke after all this time.

Chapter Text

Kel went about his routine as normal, happy to have Hero joining him as they brushed their teeth together. He’d been out of it for a long time. It hurt to watch him during those months, where he’d rarely even leave their room. They both glanced at the spot on the floor, but both of them ignored it wordlessly. Maybe Kel just had a crappy day yesterday. Sleep did fix some things. Like stomach pain after he binged. The brothers parents were both gone, again. Wasn't really anything new. They worked a lot, their dad having two jobs at the moment, and their mom being head of accounting at some company Kel never heard of.

Kel moved automatically, running down the stairs and saying good morning to Hector, getting him some food. It was good, he didn’t have to think anymore. He picked up a piece as he munched away, and looked at it closely. Hector always went crazy for the exact same thing every single day. Kel slowly brought it to his mouth before deciding against it. How many calories were in dog food, anyways? Hero walked down, and he dropped it back in the bowl. Still wearing those goofy blue and white pajamas. He wore those a lot.

"So, whatcha wanna go to the library for? I could go for some flash games on one of the computers there." Hero looked nervous. Why? It was a good day today.

"Well, um... I need to get some books for some classes, and I also need to look at some college stuff." Made sense. Kel should look at the basketball schedule and details. There might be requirements. He felt a tinge of pain in his chest, but ignored it. It felt like he was forgetting something. He couldn’t remember. A lot happened yesterday.

"Sounds good." He gave a thumbs up. Kel didn't know what to do as Hero walked in the kitchen. He felt nervous and a bit twitchy. Last night was still dwelling in the back of his head. He settled on sitting by Hector, playing tug o war with him with a rope toy. Hector got bored easily, laying down and resting his head on Kel’s leg. He pet him with one hand and used his other to fidget, twisting a longer piece of his hair into a curl before letting it straighten back out. It was getting kinda long.

Kel tried to avoid smelling the food, taking shallow breaths from his nose. It would make him hungry. He didn't want to eat that much. Last night dissuaded him from wanting food for awhile. He didn't want it to happen again. Throwing up sucked, especially when it came out his nose.

"Food's ready!" Kel nudged Hector off and stood up slowly, sliding himself up the wall. He didn't want it. He didn't need it. He took a deep breath, putting up his smile again and trotting over, through the dining room. The kitchen was a weird spot now. At least the daylight made it look different.

"Woahh!! It looks really good!" Kel wasn't lying. Hero chuckled, flashing a proud smile, taking off his apron and placing it on a chair at the bar. On the counter was two plates, each with a crispy gold crepe each folded neatly into a triangle. Dollops of cream cheese and cinnamon apple filling spilling out from one of the ends. The tops were drizzled with a glaze, and they were finished off with shredded apple and lemon zest on top of neatly piped whipped cream. Kel was excited. Hero hadn't cooked anything nice in awhile.

Kel quickly grabbed the fork sitting nearby, one of the weird plastic ones they got from a cereal box years ago, then stopped it just before it touched the crepe. He shouldn't eat this. It was unhealthy. He ate so much last night. He looked up at Hero. He was looking back.

"Kel. It's okay." Was it? The illusion was broken. Hero didn't forget, obviously. He ended the eye contact. Kel dropped the fork and looked at his hand. It was shaking a bit. He sat down. He felt tired.

"Kel. You can eat. It's okay." It didn't feel okay. Kel gripped the fork harder. Hero sounded forceful, but concerned.

Kel was lost in it yesterday, but he did added it. He knew the calories. He added them up. It was the only math he was good at. He memorized the labels of things he ate frequently. It was too many. He threw them up, but how many times did he not? How much did he digest?

All or nothing.

Kel glanced up quickly at Hero one last time. He took the plate and looked at it. He titled it a bit, letting the nice plateing ruin itself with the force of gravity, the cream now on the side of the plate and the crepe open, the filling starting to drip to the side. He moved it back to be level. He needed to emphasize this. Kel didn't deserve this food. Hero titled his head, confused, and a bit sad looking.

Kel almost slammed the plate to his face, licking the filling of the crepe, purposely getting it on his face. He heard Hero gasp in confusion, but kept going. It hurt going down his throat. If he didn't chew, didn’t taste it, he wouldn't enjoy it. He couldn't. He couldn't enjoy food anymore. He put the plate down hard, folding the remaining crepe into a neat triangle. He made eye contact with Hero, putting it in his mouth slowly, swallowing it whole. Hero looked mortified. It stuck in his throat for a bit. Tears welled in the corners of his eyes.

"One thousand six hundred and eighty. Five hundred and sixty. Eight hundred. Three thousand and sixty." Kel took a breath through his nose.

"Six thousand one hundred." He stood up.

"Kel, I-"

He ran.

Chapter Text

Kel went out the front door, slamming it closed behind him. He fell back against it and wiped his face with the inside of his shirt, breathing fast and shallow in panic. He didn't know why he did that, but Hero needed to understand. He needed to understand that he only had vomited yesterday on accident. He didn't mean to. He still regularly ate too much, often to the point of pain. He planned it. And he enjoyed it. Even if he felt bad afterwards.

Kel sat for a bit on the step before hearing the door knob wiggle. He panicked and jumped, standing up and running to the end of the driveway. He stopped at the edge of the curb, just before a car darted past. Kel almost ran in front of it. He felt the speed of it pull his hair. He backed up. Holy shit. His heart was racing. Kel looked down. He didn't want to be around Hero right now. He wanted him to stew in what he just saw. Where? Where could he go?

He looked right. Sunny.

...

Kel didn’t want him to see him like this. He didn’t even know anything that had happened in the last year. It would be overwhelming for him. It was unlikely he would answer anyways. Kel ran up the street, past the houses he’d lived near his entire life. After he got past the first one, he started to count. Kel usually tried to walk at least 15,000 steps a day, but it was hard sometimes. He found it hard to get up and go without a goal. Right now, his goal was to get as far away from Hero as possible.

He didn't know where to go. Kel didn't know where Jay lived, and just met him. Hero would find him at the park. He didn't want to be around food, and had no money, so the shops were all out. Sunny wasn't going to answer, Kel had tried. A lot. Aubrey was...no. Not happening. She would make fun of him, and the situation would end up worse than it already was.

Basil.

He stopped exactly on his 300th step, at the end of his street. Kel had tried to talk to him. A lot, actually. But whenever he did at school, a few minutes would pass in silence, and Basil would start to ignore him completely and do something else. Usually reading or drawing. If he couldn’t, he would shut down and disassociate from everything. When that wasn’t enough he would leave, saying he had to go to the bathroom. It was his only idea. Go to the dude that won't talk to anyone anymore. To get advice. Stupid.

Kel glanced behind him. He didn't see Hero, but was sure he would come soon. Hero hadn't really moved much in a long time, and Kel was sure he had lost almost all of his muscle. Still was thin, though. It looked hard for him to just go up and down the stairs sometimes.

He turned and got to the street. The house was almost the exact same as the last time everyone came here, for Basil's 12th birthday. Flowers, pots, soil; just in a slightly different arrangement. The only new thing was an orange cat on the roof. Kel panted a bit, then held his breath, before taking a deep one. He found it easier to stop breathing heavy this way.

Should he explain this, or should he just say him and Hero fought? Basil was nice, but seemed to have gone through a lot. He heard him talking to Sunny about some... dark things, a few times. Not the same as Kel, but he had to understand him a bit. He also had to explain a lot of things about Mari’s death. But, maybe he could help him figure out what to do. He knocked, although a bit hesitantly.

An older lady opened the door. It took Kel a second to recognize her. His smile came back instantly. “Oh, hi gramma!! It's been awhile." Kel exclaimed happily. She smiled back warmly, opening the door wider. She was using a walker, which made Kel a bit sad. She was getting up there in age, after all. She opened her arms wide, and Kel side hugged her. He wasn't that close with her, but she acted as a good parent to the rest of the gang, before everything happened.

"Well, hello Kel! It has been quite awhile. I hope you're doing well." Kel twitched uncomfortably. "For the most part, haha...” His smile faltered. “I need to talk to Basil. It's... kind of important." Her smile dropped a bit as well.

"I can ask, but he's been hesitant to talk to... well, anyone, really. Even me. I'll do my best to get him to come out of his room, but it's unlikely he'll talk willingly. I would normally be patient, but it's starting to get on my nerves. And worry me." She ushered Kel in. He looked back at the street one more time. No one. He went in.

The house was the same, minus some furniture being in a couple different spots. Kel smelled food. The world was tormenting him horribly these past few days, wasn't it? He tried his best to face away from the kitchen.

"It's best if I ask him alone, first." Kel nodded, and stood by the door, shutting it closed. He tried and tried not to think about what she made. He only had some of her chicken soup once and it was really, really good. And soup generally sucked, at least in Kel’s opinion.

After a minute of waiting, Kel couldn't stop it. He kept smelling the food. Pot roast, potatoes, bread... comfortable. It made him think of a lot of things. Warmth. Mom. Hugs. Christmas. Love. Friends.

He missed this. Just a smell made him remember so many things. Tears started to form, but he quickly blinked them away.

Basil's grandma came back.

"Well, he wouldn't even respond to me. It's not uncommon, but it means he's-" She stopped. Anger and confusion flashed across her face. What did that mean?

"Maybe he needs to hear you. I've tried so much, but it never works. Therapy, church, days off school, food, gifts, physical affection... even money. Nothing seems to help him. He was even inpatient at a mental hospital for a couple days and it... it did nothing." Kel felt his heart break. He knew Basil was closed off, and anxious, and had problems, but... it was that bad? Did something else happen? Gramma was amazing. She was sweet, funny, and tried so god damn hard for Basil. Kel decided that Basil needed to show his appreciation to her.

"I'll talk to him. And if he won't come out or talk, I'm gonna force it. It is pushing his boundaries... and maybe it's selfish of me, but... I need him. You need him, too.” They made eye contact for a second, but he couldn’t keep it. Kel felt angry. Basil was being selfish, even if he was depressed. She grabbed his hand gently.

"If he does open the door, it's going to be bad. Please... prepare yourself. I don't even know what he does most of the time, but that room has so much... bad energy. He locks it even when he's not in there. I don't know where he keeps the key, and the blinds are always shut." What... what happened? Was Sunny the same way? Kel was not ready for this. He barely was able to get through Hero’s depression. But Basil needed his help, and he needed Basil’s help. He squeezed her hand.

And walked down the hallway.

Chapter Text

Prep time: 10 minutes
Idle cook time: 15 minutes
Active cook time: 5 minutes
Yield: ~10 crepes with toppings

Ingredients:
Green apples (8)
Cream cheese (6-8 oz)
Heavy whipping cream (1 cup) or whipped cream
Icing sugar/powdered sugar (both work) (varies in amount)
Brown sugar
Granulated sugar (for crepe, 1/3 cup)
Milk (varies, start with 1/4 cup)
Flour (1/2 cup)
Eggs (3)
Butter (for pan)
Cinnamon (varies)
Lemon (1)

Tools (required)
Medium frying pan
Medium pot or pan, should be somewhat deep
Whisk
A couple bowls
Spatula
Stove (lol)
A measuring cup or similar container with a spout/something that pours easy

Tools (optional):
Mixer
Crepe pan
Squeeze bottle
Microplane grater
Juicer
Piping bag

Steps:

Apples:
1. Peel and decore the apples. Cut into 8ths, then the pieces in half.

2. Add the apples with the lemons juice and 1/4 cup of brown sugar in a suitable sized pan/pot, non stick is better.

3. Stir around the apples and sugar. Turn onto medium heat, covering with a small amount of water for the sugar to dissolve. Let the apples simmer until the sugar is a syrup consistency. It varies on timing, but keep an eye on it and test it. It's better if it's on the runny side as it will thicken once it cools. Take a spoonful out and test it if you're unsure. If it becomes too thick, add water. Do it slowly or it might pop/spit out.

4. Once it's the right texture, add cinnamon. At least 2 tablespoons. Preferences vary but the sugar is strong and will overpower it if you don't use a good amount.

Crepes:

1. Whisk together eggs and sugar. Add flour, then milk. It should have a consistency similar to paint.
2. Heat a medium pan or crepe pan on medium heat. Spray/coat with butter
3. Use a spouted container to pour ~1/4 cup of crepe mix in pan. Swirl to cover the surface of the pan. Flip once the edges are golden and crispy.
4. Repeat until mix is gone. Amount varies.

Glaze:
Whisk together icing sugar/powdered sugar with milk until desired consistency. Going one teaspoon of milk at a time works best.

Cream cheese:
Honestly mix whatever in, or leave it plain. Brown sugar, cinnamon, and maybe even some of the apple syrup would be good.

Whipped cream:

Whip the heavy cream with 2 tablespoons of sugar. Start slow, and increase speed as it starts to get stiffer. Whip to desired consistency

Or just buy it I don't make the rules

Assembly/plating:

Place crepe on plate.
Spread an even line of apples in the center of the crepe.
Top with two dollops of cream cheese.
Fold crepe in a triangle, squishing it a bit so the cream cheese sticks it closed.
Drizzle glaze across the top. You can use a spoon or be extra fancy and use a squeeze bottle.
Pipe/dollop whipped cream on the flattest part of where it's folded over.
Top with whatever. Lemon zest, cinnamon, nutmeg, and apple are my recommendations.

Chapter Text

Kel knocked on the door. No response. Just like Sunny.

"Basil? How ya doin’? It’s me, Kel.” No response.

"Basil, I know things have been rough. For a long time. But... I'm here for you. Please don't forget that. I’m sorry it took so long for me to actually come over." Kel waited a bit and heard some shuffling.

"I need you. That sounds cheesy, but you’re the only one that’s still open to talk to." Kel's voice cracked. He heard a sniffle.

"You... y-you don't need me. N-no one does. No one cares. It's better... it's better if you're away from m-me." Basil's voice was quiet and pained. It was obvious he was crying. Kel tensed up a bit.

"Your grandma just poured her heart out and is super worried about you. Please... please let me talk to you. I want to look at you, not at this door." He put his hand on the doorknob. He heard Basil walk around a bit, and some papers shuffling.

"...nh..." What... sound was that? It sounded... painful. He didn't know. Something slid across the floor. He knocked again gently.

"Give- give me a minute." Basil sounded out of breath. At least that meant he would come out. Kel heard a few random noises, stuff tearing, a window opening, and something spraying. He assumed Basil was cleaning. Kel usually had a mess in his room, he didn't care. And there was usually too much to deal with.

"Kel... b-before you come in... you can't tell my grandma about... what we discuss." Kel wanted to, but... He wasn't sure what state Basil was in now. He assumed he took a week off of school after the funeral, and was just very reserved now. He hadn't seen him around town since the spring semester ended, though. He felt selfish. He should have tried harder. Kel would normally agree, please his friends, but...

"Basil. Normally I would. But... I'm- I'm extremely worried. Your grandma is worried. Hiding things is easy, but you won't get out of this. I just learned that last night. We can work through it. Together." Kel took a deep breath. That's what he wished Hero would have said to him last night. He should have paid attention to him, but his mind was swarming.

It was silent for awhile.

"Grandma can't know. S-She'll be... dev- really... upset." Devastated. Kel didn't have a large vocabulary, but it fit the situation. Basil usually used smaller words around him since he didn't understand some of them. Basil opened the door, and peeped his head out, looking up at Kel.

He looked back at Basil. His hair was messy, dirty, longer, and tangled. There were some matts in the back. He had bags under his eyes. There was no life, or energy, or sparkle in them- no blush on his cheeks. No happiness. Nothing. Basil just looked... empty.

"B-Basil?" Basil forced a weak smile.

"I'm fucked, aren't I? Well, come in!" He sounded mad. He opened the door wide and fast, letting it hit the wall.

Kel was expecting something much worse, based on how Basil was talking, but there were just some clothes on the edges of the room, not much worse than his own side of the room. It was a bit stuffy and smelled like b/o, but there wasn't much going on. Kel closed the door behind him, Basil going in front.

"What do you want? Why now?" Basil sat on his bed dramatically. He was scowling at his feet.

"W-Well... Hero's mad at me. And I ran away."  Kel tried to a smile a bit, but his face mostly fell to a neutral state. Basil sighed. Kel looked at Basil's arms. He was a lot thinner. Kel could see the two separate bones inside of his wrist. Kel looked at his own arm. He couldn’t see them. He should fix that.

"Didn't this happen a long time ago? Something about... a-apple juice?"

"Oh yeah, that time I spilled juice on Sunny's carpet. It was actually Orange Joe. But yeah, he was mad." Basil looked shocked for a bit, but went back to looking at his socks the same way.

"Can we sit on the floor or something? I feel like I'm talking down to you." Kel was a couple inches taller than him from before, but standing randomly in the room and Basil being way shorter made him feel bad. Basil nodded, pulling the sheets around himself as he slid to the floor. Kel sat across from him.

"I already asked, b-but I'll ask again. Why are you here, Kel? Y-you don't actually want to talk to me, right? You could have just stayed in the living room." Basil was still refusing to look at him. He still sounded bitter.

"I'm going to be honest. I need to tell you something. It... it's really hard, but I don't know who else to go to. I'm... really bad at talking about my problems. I just admitted to myself that I had one, last night, even... heh.” Kel was surprised he was letting this out so easily. Maybe this was what Basil and Sunny did. Basil always said Sunny was a good listener, but Basil was doing well so far. He was mad, but was paying attention, even if he was trying to look like he wasn't.

"I... don't think I'm actually over what happened. I- how do I... I do this thing sometimes, and I shouldn't. It's a bad habit, and I need to stop it, but I don't know what else to do. Hero... Hero had a bad period of depression after the accident. Aubrey won't talk to me, Sunny still hasn't come outside, a-and..." Kel's vision was getting out of focus. He gripped his pants. Basil was now looking at him with a mix of concern and confusion. He didn’t like it.

"Basil. I am so- so fucking lonely. I think I just lied to myself this entire time. My parents... they've always preferred Hero, you know that, but... without him there, it feels like... they don't think I exist, unless I cause problems. My mom is always mad at me. My dad just... ignores happily, like nothing happened. I tried to do the same thing, but-" Basil pat his head, smiling slightly.

"You're spiraling. Don't do that. It's my turn." Kel took a deep breath and hugged his knees. He wanted to keep going. If he didn't have time to think, it would come easier.

"I've... been the same. In a way. I- I don't think I should, tell you, but... s-sometimes I get overwhelmed with panic and-" He looked back at the bed.

Basil took a breath, rubbing his hands together.

"I... I cut myself. On purpose. I know- I know- I shouldn't. I just... I feel like I deserve it, if that makes sense. Something about the pain and having to clean it up, in a way, forces me to think about something else." Kel was shocked. He didn’t think Basil would do something like that. Maybe he was just trying to reassure him. But... he thought about it. Basil would never take his shirt off around anyone, even when the group was still together.

Basil was with him in P.E last year and refused to change correctly, putting on his gym shirt on before taking off his other one. Kel remembered a few occasions where he would pull down his shorts when they went up too far in a panic. It was before Mari died, too. Jesus. He was telling the truth.

"Basil... I'm sorry. I should have noticed a lot sooner." Basil shook his head.

"Unfortunately, I'm good at hiding t-things. There was no way you could have known unless I let you." Kel took a deep breath, still processing it. He didn’t know why, but he trusted Basil more now. He still wanted to know how bad it was.

"Can I see?" Basil looked at him, a bit shocked. He wanted to make sure he was okay, but... Basil was the body type Kel wanted. He wanted to see his stomach. He wanted to know if his ribs were showing. How much he’d lost in just a few months.

"I-I would prefer if... you didn't. I was-" Basil cut himself off and looked back again. Something was up with the bed. Probably where whatever he cut with was.

"You were doing it when I got here, weren't you?" Kel was mad, but was trying to be patient. Basil froze, looking at the floor again.

"...yeah." Basil sighed, moving to sit on his knees, dropping the blankets. He pulled up his shirt. Kel was taken aback. There was one long, vertical scar, fresh, from his sternum just above his belly button. It was mostly scabbed over, but some blood started to well up at the ends. The inside of the shirt had some blood on it. Everywhere else across his stomach were various red, pink, and white scars, haphazardly made all over the place. Most of them were small and thin, but there were some deeper and wide ones lower down. Kel looked at the mess for a bit, but glanced up higher. He could see his ribs, hip bones, sternum- that’s the way he wanted-

Basil pulled the fabric down, patting and letting the button up shirt absorb the blood. He looked up at Kel with an unnerving smile, hands in his lap.

"So, what's your bad habit?"

Chapter Text

Kel stuttered a bit. He was still a bit on edge from seeing that. He didn't want to say it. Saying the words meant it would be real, it meant that it wouldn’t just be implications of what Hero had seen and what he hinted at. Basil just stared at him, a slight smile on his face. He titled his head, like he was asking a question and waiting. It was creepy. Kel opened his mouth to speak. "I-"

"Boys! Lunch is done! Come get some!" They both jumped as Basil's grandma yelled from the kitchen, Basil's nervous smile disappearing. Kel was dreading this. He wanted it. He wanted the food so badly. But he couldn't.

"I-I don't..." Kel gripped his shorts again, before falling silent. It was too hard to say it. Basil stood up slowly.

"I'm sure you noticed, but, I-I barely even go out my room now. The last day I went outside the house was literally the last day of school. I need to eat s-something, it's been an entire day. I'm... sorry we had to cut this short. Do you... want some?" Basil held out his hand to help Kel up. He took it.

"I... food is-" He said it. He cut himself off. It was in the open.

"What?" Kel shook his head.

"Nothing." Kel smiled.

"Kel, you- are a horrible liar. We can talk about it later." His smile was now gone. Kel was a bit upset his lie didn't work. Basil gently pulled him forward before letting go of his hand, walking out the room. Kel stood for a bit, taking a deep breath. He forced his smile back on and hopped out the room.

It smelled great. Kel couldn't deny it. It had been a long, long time since his family had a real meal, with everyone, together. His moms baked chicken, mashed potatoes, and roasted green beans were one of his favorite meals, behind her fried catfish. His parents were home a couple times since everything happened, but whenever they would have dinner together, Hero wasn't ever there. He missed him. Kel needed to apologize and fix things when he went back.

He hesitantly stepped in the living room, seeing Basil and his grandma in the kitchen. Oh no, they were making their plates. Kel didn't want to do his, he would get too much-

"Kel, dear, you can sit. I'll get it for you." Kel gave a massive sigh of relief and sat at the table. Basil looked back at him with some concern. He tried to smile back but knew it didn't come across right, since his eyes narrowed before he turned back. He needed to get better at doing that. Kel leaned back. What would happen when he went home? Would his parents be back? He didn't know.

Kel jumped a bit when a plate was put in front of him. He looked down. Was this...normal? It didn't feel like enough. Potatoes, pot roast, and some random vegetables, about 1/3 of the plate filled with each. He would be lying if he said he didn't want it. He wanted it so bad. But he already ate earlier. And a lot last night. A lot of it was thrown up, but there was a two hour period last night where his body had to have processed at least some of it. And there was a lot of sugar and carbs in that stuff.

He moved to pick up the fork, but was stopped when Basil poked him. His hands were folded together and he motioned at his grandma, also with her hands folded. Oh, praying. Kel didn't do that, he usually just went. He wasn’t really religious, even if his mom tried to get him to be. He did the same thing as them, and leaned his head on his hands. He tried to keep his eyes closed, which he thought was what they were supposed to do, but they kept fluttering open, staring at the food.

"Dear lord, we thank you for this day and this food. I pray that you bless us and our bodies with this food you have graced us with. I pray that Basil, through his struggles, finds peace with you, Lord. I thank you for today, for Kel's presence, and hope you would assist him in his struggles as well. In the name of Jesus, amen."

Basil and Kel both muttered the amen under their breaths. Kel took a deep breath. He needed to keep that in mind. Food was there for him to function. He should enjoy it and be grateful. But... he still felt bad. He wasted so much of it. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve Gramma or his friends. He still felt bad about what he did to Hero's food earlier. Hero tried extra hard to make it look good, and Kel purposely messed it up so he wouldn't feel as bad, but it still hurt both of them.

Kel hesitantly picked the fork back up and looked at it. It had a fancy pattern at the end of the handle. He picked up some meat and potatoes and put it in his mouth, trying to enjoy it. He did. It was delicious. But it felt wrong. He slowly started to cry as he chewed.

"K-Kel? You okay?" Basil looked at him. He looked back, and shook his head, swallowing. No. He wasn't. Then he did what he always did, picking up the plate and shoveling the food in his mouth, swallowing without chewing. It hurt. Good.

"Kel, you don't need to that. You can slow down, it's not going away." Basil's grandma stated, worry in her voice. Kel couldn’t even taste it. He swallowed the last bite on the plate and looked up at them again, panting. Basil look worried. Kel swore he heard someone say what she did before, but restating it got to him. He cried again, putting the plate down and letting the fork clatter on the glass. He probably had cried more today than Basil, and that was saying something. He tried to calm down.

He couldn't stop it. He broke down. Kel buried his face in his hands, he didn’t want them to see him cry. Basil tried to say something, but it came out as nervous stutters as his grandma went over to Kel, rubbing his back. It only made him cry harder. He didn’t want to be here anymore. He hated this. Why couldn’t he just be normal? He kept hurling insults at himself in his mind. He was disgusting. Basil eventually broke him out of it enough to drag him to the bathroom, away from everything. Kel was overwhelmed, and almost threw up again, leaning on the toilet. Nausea wasn't a problem with him, until yesterday. He wanted to throw up this time. Thinking about last night made him even more nauseated. He didn't want the calories, he had too much. He just ate a few minutes before that, too. He really couldn’t go a couple hours without food? Other people in the world were starving, yet here he was.

Kel looked at Basil. He was messing with his shirt a bit where he had cut earlier, sitting on the floor near him. Kel figured he was stressing him out. Another failure. He needed to do something. He looked into the bowl again, then back at Basil. He was now digging his nails into the cut, staring at him with anxiety. Kel needed to get this over with. He hadn't done it before, but it was one of the last things he could think of doing to fix this.

Kel hesitated for a bit, but ultimately forced it.

He opened his mouth and shoved his fingers in his throat as fast as possible, pulling his hand back after gagging. Gross. Kel hated the noise he just made. He shook his head. His body didn’t want him to do this. He didn’t even want to do this. Regardless, he did it again, pausing before lurching down, feeling the burning of acid in his throat and chest. It was painful for a moment, but he laughed a bit, letting the mess drip from his mouth. He looked down in the toilet. Barely anything was digested. Good. He got rid of it. He should do this the next time he binged. He could taste and eat and enjoy and indulge himself as much as he wanted, and he could get rid of it. Food wasn’t bad, he just didn’t know how to be moderate with it.

Kel spit what remained in his mouth into the bowl, wiping his mouth with his wrist. Basil stared at him in fear. Kel wondered why. What Basil had done earlier was so much worse, why was he worried?

Kel was fine.

Kel was happy.

Chapter Text

Basil and Kel sat in silence for a bit, both breathing a bit heavy. Neither of them wanted to break the quiet. Kel wanted to see if Basil would say something. He never recovered. He was never over it. Kel was still terrified, but he didn't have to hide it, at least from him. Basil understood. He wouldn't tell anyone. Kel knew he was usually good at keeping secrets, from what Sunny told him. Basil stood up slowly, walking closer.

"K-Kel, is this... but..." Kel nodded, smiling at the ceiling with tight lips as tears fell down his face. His stupid, round face.

"I never throw up. On purpose. I just... wanted to, this time." It felt weird, being honest. Basil moved closer, sitting next to him.

"You shouldn't want to, b-but I understand it. Sometimes, I... I cut even when I'm not overwhelmed. It feels like I just should, it's... a routine. It’s almost euphoric sometimes." Kel looked at him. His mouth was in a slight frown, but his eyes squinted happily. Basil was thinking about it, almost nostalgic looking.

"I'm just going to say it, I trust you enough." Kel sat back, wiping his mouth with his shirt again.

"I wake up, with an alarm, at like 2 in the morning. Usually once a month, and eat a ton of food. I always feel guilty about it after, and I've gained some weight because of it, but... I just realized, just now- I can just throw it up. I don’t like this, but I don’t like having the food in me either.” Kel's hands shook, but he still smiled. He wasn't hiding anymore. There was no mask, there was no pretending that he was happy.

"Little Kel eating a whole pizza at once isn't cute anymore, is it?" Kel crooked his neck and looked back at him again, new tears flowing, still smiling.

"K-Kel... oh my god..." Basil gripped at his shirt with one hand, the other covering his mouth.

"Why aren't you laughing? Isn't it funny? Silly little Kel, always making a mess, joking around and eating all the snacks at picnics. Isn't it funny? You know, when a cartoon character eats a bunch? Funny!" His lips still trembled.

"Kel, you don't... you don't have to do that. You don't have to p-pretend." Kel didn't know how to respond. He just threw up, but food was already plaguing his mind again. Gramma made good cookies, maybe he could ask for some to eat later. He stood up.

"Hero found out. He didn't even do anything, I just... ran. I don't know, I was just... embarrassed." Basil stood up and closed the lid.

"I... don't think you should be e-embarrassed. It's serious.”

"It's not. It's only once a month, it's not even close to serious. I'm a dude, anyways... men don't really have... eating disorders..." Kel finally said what it is. Pathetic. Basil scoffed. He lifted his shirt again, staring at Kel with fury. Kel had never seen him angry, let-alone like this. He stepped back a bit. It was just Basil, but... he was a bit scary.

"And this is only once a month. And only girls do this?" He hovered his finger in front of the large cut, starting to cry again. Kel tilted his head in confusion. He didn’t mean that about Basil, just himself.

"Look. Look closer." Kel did, walking back. He glanced at Basil's ribs again, then forced himself to look. There were a lot of the horizontal scars, and a few wider ones at odd angles. He had to squint, but... on the sides of the largest cut were older scars. Vertical ones.

"D-dude, I didn't mean..."

"Kel. Admit it. You're just as screwed up as me." Basil let the shirt fall.

"B-Basil-"

"ADMIT IT! NONE OF US- None of us are okay!" Basil yelled, but he cried harder, face turning red, as he collapsed to the ground.

Kel crouched down, Basil now sobbing. He slowly wrapped him in a hug. Basil protested for a moment, but eventually hugged back, shaking as sobs shook through his body.

"We're not. I don't know about... about the others, but- I'll be here for you." Basil's nails dug into Kel's back. Kel relaxed into his sweater. He hadn't had a hug in awhile, other than from Hero yesterday. It hurt to see Basil cry, but he was here.

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry... I-I’m-“

Kel broke out of the happiness as a knock came.

"Hey, boys? Are you alright? I heard Basil yelling-" She opened the door. Kel looked up at her.

"I threw up. He got mad at me because of what I did at the table. I'm sorry." It hurt his soul to lie to her, but he didn't want to be lectured. Not on this.

"Ah, geez- let me comfort him. I’ll deal with what’s in here. You can clean yourself up in the kitchen." She rubbed at her neck. Kel started to pull away. Basil tightened his hands, burying his face into Kel's chest. Kel was surprised, it actually hurt. Basil was pretty weak, at least in his opinion.

"P-please... come back... I don't... want to... be alone." He sniffled.

"I will. Just... in a bit.” Basil looked up at him. Kel cringed a bit; there was snot all over his face, and his eyes were pooled with tears. He smiled quickly and pat Basil's head a couple times, almost getting his tangled hair stuck in his fingers. It took a second but Basil finally let go, his grandma coming over with tissues to clean him up.

"I- Basil... just- look out for him." Kel wanted to say something to her about Basil's cutting. He didn't know if he should. Now was definitely not the time. He really wouldn't want his mom to know what was going on with himself, and he was sure Basil was the same way.

"I always have, and I always will." Kel smiled at her gently before going back out, closing the door behind him. It hurt as he heard Basil continue to sob. He walked farther into the living room.

All of the dishes were in the sink and the food was covered up with foil. Kel knew he wouldn't eat it, but he still doubted he could control himself, given the chance. He rinsed out his mouth out again and went to the living room, sitting on the couch. He closed his eyes, trying to avoid listening to Basil crying in the bathroom. Thankfully, he wasn't as loud as before. It still made him sad. Basil clearly already cried a lot, and it was Kel’s fault this time.

What would he do about Hero? He just left him earlier. He still didn't want to go home. His parents would be mad, or the house would be empty, which was worse for Kel. He needed to change his shirt; there was still food, and now, dried puke on it. Kel sighed and laid on the couch, sinking into it.

He put his hands on his stomach. Kel wished he didn't have to eat. His life would be better without it, but he couldn't just... not eat. He wanted the feeling of being full, without the calories.

He moved his hands under his shirt and up to his ribs, feeling for them. His eyes shot open, staring at the ceiling. Normally he could just run his hand along lightly and feel them. He couldn't. He had to push down a little. There was fat there. He needed to look, he needed to check. He didn’t want to be fat. Kel sat up. It was quiet. Was Basil done? The bathroom would be empty if he was-

Kel jumped as a hard and rough knock came at the door. He jumped up quickly and ran over to it, opening it without checking. It was easier if he didn't think, his smile coming back naturally. It dropped when he saw.

"Kelsey. Herrera. Home. Now."

"H-hi, mom."

Chapter Text

Kel barely got to react before his mom grabbed his wrist, pulling him onto the front step. She moved him to the side and closed the door, before starting to pull him along the street. Kel looked back as they went down the steps. He didn't want to leave Basil alone there. He didn't want to go home anymore.

"What is up with you and your brother lately, huh? Yesterday, he had an outburst at school and yelled at me in the car, and today I got back home and he was panicking with a bunch of books all over the floor, saying he needed to “save you” and that you were missing. You run away, and leave a mess in the bathroom? It took me almost a half hour to figure out where you were. What's going on with you?"

Kel couldn't respond. He just stuttered, trying to think of an excuse, trying to walk faster to avoid the pulling. She was hurting his wrist.

"Let go." Kel demanded. Kel's mom huffed, and reluctantly did so at the 4-way crossing.

"Explain. Now." Kel didn't know what to do, again. Idiot. He looked at the sidewalk, stepping back a bit. Step 417.

"I-um. I have a problem-" He couldn't do this. He couldn't face her. He couldn't tell her. He was too scared.

"Yes, you do. There was an interest meeting today at your school for basketball, and you skipped it to hang out at your friends house? Why!?" Oh. He forgot. He failed again.

"He needed me."

"Kel, I needed you to step up and try for once. Why couldn't you do that? For just once, why couldn't you just try?" Kel clenched his hands into fists. He was trying. So hard. She didn’t do shit besides work. She needs to hear some of this shit going on inside his head.

"Mom. Basil has not left his god damn house since May. And Sunny has not left his house since October. So mom, if it's an apology you want... "Mother, I'm soooo sorry. So sorry I took a fucking day, to just, make sure my friends are alive. Took a day, for myself." Her eyes seethed with anger. If Kel wasn’t pissed, he was sure he’d be crying in fear. He knew she’d never hit him, but the embarrassment and disappointment of her words hurt him a lot more than a slap ever would.

"Enough. Do what you want. I need to go back to work, it's my lunch right now. Hero is worried. Just be back before dark. If you don't, I'll get the cops involved." She walked forward, turning up the street. Her black work heels clacked against the pavement loudly. Kel held his ground, keeping up his furious expression until she turned onto their street, and he released a huge sigh. When she would get mad at him, he usually would deal with it, apologize, and just mutter something under his breath and move on. Today was not for that.

Kel considered going home, but turned around to go back to Basil's. But he thought about Hero. He kept turning back and forth, thinking about the positives and negatives to both sides and changing his mind every few minutes. He had to pick, but both were bad. His mom would be more furious, and Basil... Hero was stressed out of his mind and Kel didn't have the energy to deal with another breakdown, of someone else or himself. He wanted to curl up and disappear. He didn’t want to deal with this.

Kel finally settled. He chose neither. He went up to the park.

Thankfully, no one was nearby. Kel sat at the swings. He didn't have a lot of steps in, but today was weird, so he didn’t want to force it. He messed up a bit earlier and had to estimate, but he was at around 560. He should get a pedometer. At least that’s what he thinks it's called. Ped meant feet, o meant of, and a meter was around 3 feet. English was weird. Kel should learn more Spanish. He only knew a handful of words, despite his parents being fluent in it.

"Hey! It's that nerd, Kel!"

God.

Dammit.

Aubrey.

Kel avoided her whenever he could but she would inevitably try to fuck with him and anger him, just to get a response. He didn't know why she did it, they fought all the time as kids. Didn’t she have new friends? He looked up.

Aubrey, followed by Kim, Vance, Angel, and... Charlie? Charlie was very quiet.

One major difference from when he last saw her. Aubrey had frizzy blonde hair and blue contacts in. Kel hadn't seen her since the school year ended, either, like Basil. She also had a bat. He had heard that there was a new and extremely aggressive softball player last year.

"What are you doing here? You look like shit." Kim commented. He agreed but it still hurts when someone else points it out. Kel gripped the chain on the swing tighter.

"Thanks." Kel couldn't pretend or indulge them. He was too god damn tired. Aubrey crouched in front of him.

"Is the little happy sports man all tuckered out? Aw. How sad." Alright. That got him.

Kel looked her over.

Blonde hair. Blue contacts. Pink bow. Brown skirt. White button up.

"Nice Basil impression." Aubrey's smug and mocking expression quickly dropped.

"Do NOT compare me to that... weirdo." She grimaced and flicked his nose, making his face scrunch up. Kel gently kicked her leg. She knew nothing. About him or Basil. About how fucked up everything had become.

"Should we thrash him a bit?" Vance. He put his fist in his hand to exaggerate. He was pretty quiet too, but not nearly as much as Charlie. Majority of the time, they were empty threats. They only actually tried to beat Kel up once and he fought back so hard that they didn't even try to do it again.

"No reaction to that either? Damn, Kel, even you're bumming me out." Huh. He guess it was visible. A small smile crept across his face.

"Good. You've been needing to calm down for awhile." Aubrey sat on the swing next to him. She signaled with her hand for the rest of the group to do their own things, and they left the area silently.

"It's been awhile. I'm still pissed at you. But even it's obvious to me something is wrong." Kel chuckled half-heartedly.

"Yeah. It's bad." He didn't care. He was so tired, emotionally and mentally.

"It's not much, but maybe you can go to one of the counselors at the school. They didn't help me but I know your parents are... weird." Aubrey moved her feet a bit.

"You remembered? What an honor." Aubrey looked at him weird. He was used to it by now.

"I can't tell if you're trying to piss me off or if you're trying to cheer yourself up, but either way, it sucks. I'm out. Enjoy your pity party." He would. He didn't want to do anything. Aubrey walked off, the rest of the gang following her. Kel closed his eyes, leaning back a bit. For the first time in awhile, Kel finally stopped thinking about food. He felt empty again. The summer heat trying to cover him didn't seem to exist. He moved off the swings to the grass nearby and looked up at the sky. It was pretty.

Maybe he could reminisce a bit.

That day at the hangout was so much fun. The way he’d fallen asleep on Hero’s lap, everyone nearby, was so comfortable. He was full of fresh watermelon, and the sounds of crickets lulled him and everyone else to sleep. He missed doing that stuff. He could try again, at least with Basil and Hero. Aubrey and Sunny would take a long time to fix. He thought about it. His friends. All those times. The park, the beach, Sunny’s birthday, that time they went into the woods and that big beetle scared Hero. He loved his friends. He loved his brother. He missed them. So much.

Kel was broken out of his daydream when he realized the sky was turning pink. Did he space out for that long? Or did he fall asleep?

He still didn't want to deal with it. Deal with anything. He wished he could just lay here and go back and everything would be fine. Him, Sunny and Hero would hang out together, and after playing some games Mari would come out the piano room and join them. They'd go get Aubrey and Basil then have a picnic at the park and everything would be great and he'd be fine and normal and happy and nothing would hurt and-

Some grass rustled nearby. He tilted his head.

Basil.

Chapter Text

Basil looked horrible, just like Kel. His hair was even more messy than earlier and his eyes were red. Even his vest was crooked. His flower clip was back, at least.

"Kel." He sounded mad. He tried to furrow his eyebrows and frown, but his expression broke as his lips trembled. He fell down to his knees at Kel's side.

"W-where... where'd you go?" Kel rolled back onto his back.

"My mom yelled at me. It's okay, now." Kel looked back up at the sky. It was so pretty.

"N-no..." He was crying again. Kel sighed.

"Basil. Lay down with me. You need to relax. I know it was stressful, but if you don't take a break from the madness, it'll eat you." Ha, eat.

Basil reluctantly sat down, wobbly. He wiped his face with the inside of his sweater, sitting criss cross. He sniffled for a bit before he laid next to Kel.

"I-I don't get it, how is this supposed to be relaxing? It feels like... there's so much I could be doing, and I just.. I just c-cant.." Kel moved his hand out and gently placed it on Basil's stomach. He jumped a bit but allowed it. Kel closed his eyes, thinking of the cuts under his shirt. Kel still couldn’t believe he did that. But he accepted it. They wouldn’t go away, obviously.

"It is overwhelming. Everything is. I don't think humans are meant to deal with this much stress. Have you ever seen a wolf argue with its parents, over something so pointless? Seen a rabbit so distraught it bites itself to the point of bleeding? Tormenting its friends? A dog purposely throwing up? A cat jumping off a cliff, because it can't deal with a trick? No. It's just humans. We can't escape. When animals do those things, it's almost always us, again."

Basil slowly hovered his hand over Kel's stomach. Kel looked over at him and nodded, Basil placed his hand down. It felt odd.

"It's messed up. What both of us are doing and have done. But we need to survive. And if this is what it takes, what's so wrong with it?" Kel closed his eyes again, listening to the grass rustle. He focused on Basil's hand. He didn't like that he could feel his stomach, that he could feel his body, but he knew this was the first step. He needed to be comfortable with how he was before he could do anything, before he could be worth anything. At least with one person. At least with Basil. He would try. For Basil.

"Kel, do you honestly b-believe that? Shouldn't... shouldn't we go to therapy? Get help?" Kel shook his head.

"We can't be saved. It won't do anything. We just need to do our best." Basil looked up at the sky with him again.

"I think... I understand. What you mean. My grandma knows, now. I- I honestly think she knew before, just not... how bad it was. She was sobbing. I was, too. I had to leave. What I've been doing- I was terrified. No one understood me. But, I did my best, like you said. No one else could help me. Being inpatient... It's not... it doesn't help. They just get mad at you. What I do... it's far from the best habit. But... I guess it's the same for you. We did our best. W-We survived."

Kel moved his hand back to his own side, placing it on top of Basil's. It was soft.

"We did." Basil moved closer.

"I'm... I'm still so tired. Why can't we just be here forever? Be in this moment?" Their fingers locked together.

"We're just... not supposed to."

"Why not?" Kel turned and made eye contact with Basil. He’d always had pretty blue eyes, but right now, they felt like Kel’s entire world.

"I don't know. But, let's indulge in it. For as much as we can." They sat in silence, both closing their eyes. Kel was completely drained, but the warmth of Basil's hand, the steady rise and fall and the touch of his hand on his body, made him feel whole.

Happy.

"OH MY GOD THEY'RE HOLDING HANDS!!! GAY! SO FUCKING GAY!!" Basil and Kel's hand snapped back to their sides, both of them turning red. Angel just ruined the moment. Completely. They both sat up, Basil scooting away slightly, Kel stretching. He hadn't moved in a couple hours. Basil started whistling, like that didn't just happen.

Kel stuck his leg out, just enough to be touching Basil's knee. This would be rough. Angel sounded the alarm, and the rest would follow. And they always did.

Aubrey lead the line of the other hooligans, rushing over from the main section of the park. Her hair was now in a braid, some random flowers in it, and the bow was gone. Kel guessed what he said got to her.

"Ah, so was that what was up? You're gay now?" She smiled at Kel, menacingly. She stepped in front of Basil. “Guess I am.” She glared at him for a second before going back to the grin. "What are you doing here, huh? Haven't seen your weird little ass since school got out. Was it better inside? You look like shit too, even more than Kel. Were you scared of little ol' Aubrey?" She leaned forward, looking at Basil. Kel finally looked over at him.

He looked terrified. More than earlier.

"Aubrey, you don't know anything. Please... go away." She leaned back, putting her hands on the bat, looking away.

"You don't either. Just... this fucker is not as innocent as he makes himself look." She pointed at Basil with the bat, the end just a few inches away from his face. Basil scooted back a bit.

"We know more about each other now. I trust him, and I'm sure he trusts me." Basil twitched against his leg, pulling away. Kel felt his confidence falter. He now knew it was true that Basil was still hiding something. Kel moved his hand closer to him. Basil noticed and hesitantly put his hand on top of his. Kel could feel him shaking. Aubrey's eyes narrowed. She looked at their hands for a bit before whipping around.

"Also, it seems stupid since I'm being literally bullying you, but I'm not homophobic or whatever. I just think it's fucking weird you want anything to do with him. It's obvious you don't know what he did, but I would reconsider before doing... that."

"Okay, Aubrey. Anything else?"

"You're a dick."

"Thanks." She scoffed and walked off, the rest following. Surprisingly, Charlie lingered.

"...sorry." Her voice was deep and quiet.

"It's okay. I-I know... I know that you don't want to...participate."

She looked down at their hands. "...congrats." Kel laughed a little and she walked off. Basil smiled slightly, moving a bit.

"S-so..."

"Yeah." Kel let out a massive breath, falling back onto the ground. Basil quickly followed.

"OH MY GOD that was embarrassing! I didn't even realize we were holding hands!" Basil laughed. Kel turned to look at him, smiling as he pulled their hands up.

"It's so good to hear you laugh. It feels like it's been years." Basil reluctantly smiled.

"It does." Basil took a deep breath, relaxing into the grass again.

"So... gay."

"Gay."

"Are we dating now?"

"I guess.” Kel squeezed Basil’s hand, smiling wider when he squeezed back.

"I didn't see you yesterday, at school. Are you gonna go?" Kel didn't want to be alone. He didn't want to be around Hero yet, at least alone.

"I'll...try. It's just, Aubrey-" Kel put up his other hand, now in a fist.

"I'll fight her if she tries anything. She used to fight with me all the time, so I know how to deal with her. I don't know how she could hate you." Basil tightened his hand in Kel’s.

"I... it's... complicated. I will tell you, eventually, but I want to enjoy the sky. For now." Kel looked up at it again.

"I have to go home soon. But I really, really don't want to." Kel turned to Basil again.

"Do you wanna come with me?"

Chapter Text

Basil sat up. "I don't know... I should ask my grandma first. I want to. I know it'll be hard."

"It's okay, I'm like, super charming or whatever. She'll let you. I'm still related to Hero. Have at least some of that charm, I guess. He's always looked better than me, though.” Kel still had no idea what to say to him, and now it was even more complicated.

“Don’t say t-that. You’re really handsome, too. Hero’s just on a different level.” It was supposed to be a compliment, but Kel didn’t like the affirmation he could never be on his level.

Hero was worried about him, his mom was pissed, and now he had a boyfriend, and it was Basil, of all people. He didn't even know what that made him. Kel never liked anyone or anything like that. Even now. He didn't think Basil... was hot. Or whatever. He just liked him being there. His hand.

"We should go. It's dark." Kel looked around. It was, in fact, dark.

"Shit. My mom said to be back by dark or she'd call the cops on me." Basil pulled his hand away. Aw. Hand holding time was over.

"She what?!" Basil sat up.

"Let's go!! Oh no-" He stood. Kel stood too.

"We can call your grandma, it's not a big deal. But we should hurry." Basil nodded. Kel led the way, wishing their hands were still intertwined. They got just to the turn for Kel's street before Basil stopped behind him, out of breath.

"K-Kel... I haven't... ran... in 4 months..." Kel stopped, but he now had the urgency Basil did. "We can deal with it later. I'm gonna be trying out for basketball, so I'll be getting in shape. We can be workout buddies or something.” Basil just looked at him confused, still out of breath. Kel shook it off, grabbing his wrist. They kept a brisk pace and stopped at Kel's driveway. Kel brought Basil up to the door. The lights were all off except for the dining room. Kel went to open the door, but stopped.

Basil was looking at Sunny's house.

"I... I miss him. So much." Kel put a hand on his shoulder.

"Me too. It’s okay." They stared for a moment. Kel knocked. No response. Figured. He opened the door.

His mom was right, books were everywhere. Not as bad as she made it out, just a few on the floor near the door, along with some papers on the table in the living room. He pushed the door open further and they walked in. Kel took off his shoes, tossing them on the floor near the door, Basil did the same, just silently. Kel glanced in the dining room but it was empty, Basil staying at the door. He lingered for a bit, looking at the books, hearing Basil shuffle around.

"Uhm... he-" Kel came over. Hero was passed out on the couch, a book opened on his face. Kel couldn't help but laugh at it, trying to stay quiet.

"Ah, he always does that. Well... did... that." Kel frowned. He missed it. He missed Hero's passion. But this wasn't right, either.

Basil went over to front of the couch, looking at the book on his face.

"DSM-IV-TR. Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. Uh oh." Basil stood back.

"Uh oh? Yeah, uh oh. Why is he reading that?" Basil looked at Kel, Kel walking over and looking at the book.

"It's obvious. He's worried and trying to find out what's going on." Kel turned to look at the table. There were some print outs of articles and a notebook open with Hero's messy handwriting. He used that one for his psychology notes. Green with thin orange stripes. Kel sighed, pinching between his eyes.

"God dammit, I have one breakdown and now my brother is psychoanalyzing me. I really wish I didn't throw up last night. I really didn't want him to know." Basil put a hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay. We should let him sleep, though. We can write a note or s-something to let him know I'm here. While you do that, I should call my g-grandma." Basil walked over to the phone and Kel nodded, looking at the notebook. He flipped the page, trying not to read it, but caught a glimpse. He saw the word “binge”. He turned it back.

Period for BED: at least once every two weeks. Have not seen any periods than once, and occasional overeating. He’s always been like that, though. Unsure if planned binges are regularly occurring. I hope they aren’t. He seems to fall into "unspecified."

"Apparently I'm doing it too infrequently to ‘qualify’ for binge eating disorder, so I'm ‘unspecified’. It feels degrading." He turned it back and kept reading the page. Basil started to pick up the receiver, but put it back down, looking back at Kel.

"Oh, I was right, apparently. He also thinks that I'm anorexic. That doesn't make sense, I’m almost a normal weight, and it even says that it’s 85% or less than normal. What does weight have to do with it? What does ‘normal’ mean? And it says that one of the diagnostic things is only for women. I was right, it's almost always women. What? Compen-say-chi-ory behavior through exercise? I'm not doing that. I'm just trying to be in shape for basketball. It has a lot of strict requirements. I can't believe he's... studying me like this. It feels so wrong." His voice got louder before dying down. Kel felt betrayed. Today was just another bad day. He'd be fine again tomorrow. They’d make up, Kel would explain some stuff, and it would be okay.

Kel took a deep breath and looked at Basil before turning the page to a new one again. He picked up a pen nearby.

Hi. Basil is staying over tonight. Also, we're dating. Idk if I'm gay or whatever. Another thing that's going on. Also, why are you trying to diagnose- He scribbled out the last part. He was mad but it wasn't the time for it. Basil was on the phone now.

Please don't worry about me. It's not very often. I didn't mean to throw up last night. I just overdid it. I was stressed out this morning and freaked out. I'll be back to normal tomorrow. Mom is also mad at me now too, so we should get her some flowers tomorrow or something so she'll chill out. Kel put down the pen and ripped out the page, putting it on Hero's chest, slowly rising up and down. He was back in his pajamas. Basil came over, fidgeting his hands a bit.

"So, she said it was okay. Actually, she wanted me to stay over. What... should we do?" Kel shrugged.

"Nothing with food. I don't want to think about it again. How about we start with your hair? It's super tangled right now." Basil grabbed one of the tangled locks, putting it in front of his face. "It's gonna hurt, but I agree. It doesn't look good. Or feel good."

They both went up the stairs quietly. Neither of them saw Hector which was a positive. He’d wake Hero up, most likely.

"Are... is your mom back?" Kel shook his head. "They're always gone. I don't even know if they have a schedule or whatever. My dad is off on Tuesdays and my mom is always off on..." Kel stopped.

"Sundays. That's tomorrow. God, shit...” He couldn't do this. It was too fast. Basil turned back, patting his head. It felt similar, but it wasn’t quite the same as when Hero did it.

"It's okay. I'm here. We can get through it." Kel smiled, walking up with him. They went into the bathroom, Kel turning on the light. He looked at the toilet again. He guessed his mom or Hero cleaned the area. Kel got his hairbrush, one of those cylinder ones with wirey bristles, and ended up inadvertently standing on the spot. The towel was gone. He turned to Basil.

"Hey, see this spot of the floor?" He pointed at it with the brush."

"Yes?"

"I puked up like 3 cans of orange joe and a sandwich here last night."

"Kel, ew! You didn't need to tell me that!" Kel laughed.

"Whatever." Kel sat on the carpet near the sink.

"Come here. Let's get it over with."

Chapter Text

Saying Basil was in pain while they brushed out his hair on the bathroom floor was an understatement. Kel ended up having to put one of his dad's belts in his mouth because he was whining in pain too loudly. They had to sit awkwardly, with Basil basically in his lap, as Kel went through his hair in sections.

"Dude, it's not that bad. You can take a bath after and you'll feel a lot better." Basil took the belt out.

"No, Kel, it is that bad! Have you even brushed someone else's hair before? You need to hold the root so it doesn't pull out of my head, especially when it's this bad. You don't want me to be bald, do you?" Kel imagined Basil without hair and laughed. Basil crossed his arms.

"I'm doing my best. You used to brush out Aubrey's hair a lot, right?" Basil looked down sadly.

"Yeah. It was... very soft. Her house, I don't think you've been, but it was really, really messy. It was her parents fault. I think that she couldn't do it herself because things would get lost so easy." Kel moved onto a new knot, making Basil wince again. He noticed his hair was mostly shoulder length now, at least the brushed sections.

"I never did go to Aubrey's. Have you even gotten it cut since school got out?" Basil shook his head. Kel brushed underneath, at the nape of his neck, for a break from the pulling.

"Nope. By the time I realized I needed to, it was too bad. I didn't want to leave, and I didn't want to be embarrassed at the hair dresser because of it." Kel raked his fingers through the section that was brushed out. It was oily.

"I get that. I do my best with mine but it gets tangled at the ends a lot." Kel looked at his own hair. He took one of the ends.

"Oh no. There's... there's puke dried in it." Basil cringed.

"Why are we doing my hair? You need to wash yours! Wash that out! Nasty!" Kel laughed again. He would. He needed to take care of Basil first.

"Come on. I smelled your room. How long has it been since you've showered?" Basil had to think about it. Ouch.

"Um, I don't even remember my hair. I think... 3 weeks? I change my clothes a lot, though." Kel pushed him away slightly, laughing a little.

"Nasty."

They repeated the cycle for a bit. Kel did a final brush out, both of the boys sighing.

"My scalp hurts but it already feels better. Thank you." Kel pet him.

"Okay, bath time, stinky. Also, your hair is still a mess. It's super fluffy." Basil stood up and Kel followed. Basil looked in the mirror. He snorted and brought a mouth to his hand.

"Oh- my god. It's so poofy. I look ridiculous." Basil poked and messed with it a bit, smiling.

"Okay, now get in the bath."

"I will, but..." Basil gestured up and down his stomach. Oh. Kel had forgotten. It was so peaceful for a couple hours. He couldn't believe he did. Already a horrible boyfriend. He took a breath and returned to his usual, now less forced, but still happy demeanor.

"Uh... I don't know how to treat that. Just... don't get soap in it?" Basil sighed.

"Should we get Hero to help? You did get hurt a lot as a kid. Usually -god I wish I didn't have to say this- I just keep it dry. After a bit it scabs over and heals, but if it gets wet I don't think it'll be the same. They’re mostly just scratches." Kel's smile dropped.

"He's... he'll just judge you. I hated reading that notebook. I think we have a first aid kit, but I don't know what to do with it." Kel rummaged under the counter, and pulled out the first aid kit, knocking over bottles of cleaning stuff in the process. He opened it.

"I don't know what half of this crap is. Umm... would you like an..." He squinted. "adhesive medical strip?" Basil snorted again. Kel wondered when he started doing that. It was new, at least to him.

"Do you mean a bandaid? Dork." Basil was brushing his hair out a bit more. Kel looked in the kit.

"I think it needs to be put on dry. You should just bathe. Stinky."

"Stop calling me stinky... u-um... puke hair."

"Ok, fair. Not the best insult. But you are stinky." Basil stared at him blankly.

"Can't believe you just became my boyfriend a few hours ago, and now you're bullying me." Kel paused. Boyfriend. It still felt a bit weird.

"I'm sorry if I actually upset you, you used to get mad at me for not washing my hands all the time as a kid. Just wanted to tease. It’s kinda funny when you get mad." Basil waved his hand with dismissal.

"No, I was joking too." Basil smiled smugly, pointing at Kel.

"Stinky."

"No you."

"No, you."

They both looked at each other seriously before laughing again. Kel came over, rubbing Basil's head again. "We're both stinky. I'll get you some clothes and a towel. Don't pick at it." Kel smiled, walking out the door.

He dug in his closet. Hm. Clothes. Did... did he have to give Basil underwear? No. Nope. Not doing that. He got some shorts and a hoodie. One of his favorites. It would be cute for Basil to wear it. How would they fit? Basil was shorter, by a few inches at least. Kel remembered that they were almost the same height before. Not going out must have stopped Basil from growing. Kel was glad he had gotten taller, though, even if he wasn’t as skinny as a result of it.

Kel never really paid attention to the size before. His mom usually bought his clothes and knew what to get without even asking or checking. Some kind of intuition he was sure all moms had. His hands shook, gripping the orange and blue hoodie. He shouldn't check. Basil wouldn't care. It’s just a letter.

He grabbed the collar and flipped the tag.

Large.

No...

Kel pulled off his t-shirt in a hurry and put on the hoodie. He was glad it was dark. It fit. Why did it fit? He wasn't a large. He was a medium. He'd always been a medium. Kel pulled it off just as fast as he put it on. He grabbed the tag, pulling to the side and ripping it from the stitches. He threw it in the trash can under his desk. He did the same with the shorts. He wasn't a large. He wouldn't accept this. He needed to be a medium. Large just sounded...

Kel sat on his bed for a bit with the clothes on the floor, covering his feet. He grabbed the towel and buried his face into it, hugging it. It covered his chest and stomach. Thank god. He wished Basil was done. He still needed to take a bath. He would have see himself. He didn't want to. Well, he only really needed to wash his hair. He could do that without taking off his clothes.

Kel took a bit but got up, putting on his shirt, heading to the bathroom. He paused. The lights were on downstairs. Shit. He walked extra quietly, knocking on the door. Basil hummed for Kel to say something else. He couldn’t talk. He heard stepping. Kel opened the door and went in, fast.

"Kel! What the heck?!" Kel made eye contact with Basil in the bathtub, both of them blushing. He couldn't see anything other than his head, hair now flat against his head, but he immediately turned around, almost slamming his face into the wall as he squeezed his eyes closed.

"Sorry sorry sorry-! I panicked, I think my dad is home. Either that, or Hero is up." Basil splashed, sinking back into the water.

"Or both of them."

"Why must you make things worse for me?" Basil laughed.

"Well, Kel, it's true. I know it's easy, so easy, to ignore things. To not deal with it. But it'll come back. Something... something will come back. And for you, it's your own family. It’s inside you. As much as you try to ignore it." Kel relaxed his head against the wall, letting it hold most of his weight. He looked at his hands, dropping the clothes on the floor.

"You're right, I just... It’s scary. After... after the funeral, I did my best to try to be happy for everyone. I thought a week was enough time for me to be sad. I pretended after that. My parents won't say it, but Mari had an influence on them. It was like they lost their daughter, and they didn't notice anything. She was so happy. Seeing... seeing Hero fall into his depression, I was glad in a way because there was at least a sign, but I thought they would be more concerned. I was, really, really worried. Mari didn't show symptoms, but... I was scared he would... do something similar to her." Kel dropped to the floor, gripping onto the empty laundry hamper nearby.

"But, they did the same thing I've been doing. They ignored it. They ignored him. They ignored me. It took me and Hero fighting, him screaming, both of us crying, just for them to realize it wasn't okay. They've always just let us do whatever we want with a couple rules, like my curfew. They're less strict with Hero, but it makes it so we have to deal with everything. When I want to reach out I feel like a burden. I wish... I wish my mom would just stop being mad. I just wish my dad would be here." Kel tried to hold back. He needed to spill his heart out. It felt better and worse at the same time. He cried again. He this to stop. Basil just responded with a little sigh. God. He always made things worse.

Kel choked on a sob as he heard footsteps again. Quiet. Be quiet. A knock came at the door.

"Kel?" Dad.

Act. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong-

“H-hi!” God. God dammit. Why now? He still sounded like he was crying.

“Is everything okay? Your brother said you’ve been out all day, and that Basil is over. I hope you had fun! He seemed a bit fidgety, though. But on a good note, I got some pizza! I know you like it a lot. Your mom is still mad, not fully sure what about, but she’ll calm down eventually.” Kel sniffled. He looked back at Basil, only his eyes visible, just staring at the door. He needed this. He needed someone to just be normal. Normally it was himself. He was so glad, his dad was here. For once.

“We’ll be down in a bit.”

Chapter Text

Kel thought for a bit, ignoring Basil. He needed to deal with this properly. He shouldn't do it, do the plan he thought of. He didn't want to eat, anything. Until he looked like Basil. But he kept thinking about it. Warm gooey cookies, fresh watermelon, strawberry cake. He didn't want to be fat. He knew his metabolism was fucked. If he ate what he wanted to, he would be fatter than he already was. It was agony. Too much was going on right now. His brain was a mess. He couldn't think. He thudded his head against the wall, shutting his eyes.

"Kel? Are you okay? You've been quiet. Y-you're never quiet..."

"My brain won't shut up. Is this why you do it? Hurting yourself?" He thudded it again. It didn't stop the thoughts, but it slowed them.

"Kel, you shouldn't do that. You might get hurt."

"You're one to talk." Basil huffed in annoyance, splashing in the tub. He closed his eyes again, thinking of pulling apart fresh fluffy bread, soft and melting in his mouth. God dammit. Go away. Stop. Stop thinking.

"We should go downstairs. Can you get out so I can get dressed?" Kel was still thinking about it. Pizza. The texture. Warm and comforting, sweet and salty, chewy and soft. He didn't know if he could control himself anymore if went. Something. He needed something. He brought his hand to his mouth, bitting between his thumb and other fingers. He tasted his skin. Just a little bit salty. Why was he hungry? He ate so much yesterday. He thought about the ecstasy after he ate the first sandwich. He bit harder. Stop thinking. He tried to focus on the pain.

"Kel, stop it! If you start to rely on pain you won't be able to stop." Basil started to get up, but stalled. Kel knew he wouldn't. Basil was way too easily embarrassed. Kel knew he wouldn't be able to handle being naked around him. Wouldn’t even do it as kids. He had the advantage. He wanted to tease him. Maybe it would break him out of his thoughts.

"Make me." He pulled his hand out of his mouth, switching to the other one, biting harder than before. There were marks on the other hand from his teeth. They always were pretty sharp. Kel was still imagining it. His mouth watered, thinking of last night. Sweet orange joe, washing his thoughts away, full as he relaxed on the couch, not a single thought in his head. Bliss. Even if he could barely remember it, even if he felt nothing, he wanted that feeling again. Basil huffed from the bathtub.

"You've always been kind of immature, but this is a new level of it. You need to eat something. I heard your stomach growl earlier. I'm starting to get fed up, and that's saying something." Kel shook his head. He didn't even notice. He ignored it. He needed to ignore being hungry.

"I don't want to." Once he moved he would have to make the decision: eat, or don't eat. He didn't want to choose. Basil moved more, groaning in annoyance. Kel flinched as he splashed water on him.

"If you're gonna be childish, then I'm gonna be childish too. Get out, please. I don't wanna fight with you." Kel shook his head. Basil splashed him again.

"Come on." Again.

"Basil, it's not that easy. You haven't seen me like that." Again.

"Yes, I have. You overate all the time as a kid. What's the problem now? Pizza isn't going to kill you." Kel took a deep breath. He did, didn't he? Kel always has had this problem. As a kid, though, he didn't care about the effects of overeating. Food was good, food made him happy, and he never gained any weight, so it was fine, right? He was growing. He was a kid. It was energy. And Kel used a lot of it. What was wrong with it?

Why did Mari look at him that way that one day?

Basil splashed one last time before sinking back down in defeat. Kel stared at the floor, blinking at tears. At least his brain wasn't screaming at him, but this was unpleasant too. He wanted to do something else. He wanted to eat.

Kel curled in on himself, holding his arms. He wanted to be comforted. There were two options in his brain and he couldn't pick. He didn't want control. He wanted someone else to do it. To pick. He closed his eyes, listening to the shaking of his breath. His stomach growled. He hated this. He wanted to just be normal again. Why couldn't a normal amount be enough? Did he even know what normal was?

Kel jumped as he felt the towel drag against his leg. He felt his presence.

"You've grown up, huh? You wouldn't have gotten out two years ago." Kel looked up at Basil, towel around his waist. He covered his stomach with it, hair dripping on the floor.

"I don't know if I have. I just... I'm scared. I don't like seeing you like that." Kel stood up, using the wall to keep his balance. He looked over him. His stomach was covered, he could still see the fresh scar on his chest, but there were more scars and wounds on his thighs. Kel winced at the sight. It was really that bad. Basil looked at him. He looked tired. He should let him have a break. From himself.

Kel pat his head before walking out quietly. He looked around, hearing his dad laugh downstairs. Coast was clear. He walked as silent as he could into his room, laying in his bed, wrapping his blanket around his shoulders.

He wanted this to be done. He didn't know why he was thinking this shit. Why he wanted nothing. He didn't deserve Basil. He did his best for him and it did nothing for Kel. Kel would drag him down with him. He was useless. He didn't deserve food. He didn't deserve love. He didn't deserve warmth. He threw the blanket off of himself onto the floor. He was a waste of money and couldn't even make it to a meeting today. He deserved to starve.

Kel still cried.

Chapter Text

Kel didn't know when he fell asleep, but was woken up by Basil sitting on his bed, near his legs. He sighed out his nose in relief. His head hurt. He felt like garbage.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"I'm sorry about earlier. I don't know what came over me." He tried to sit up, but it was hard. His body felt heavy. Kel settled on sitting against the headboard, looking him over. His hair poofed back up, and he was wearing the clothes Kel got him. They were big on him. Kel didn’t like that. He wanted them to look like that on himself. Basil looked a bit better, at least with what he could see with the lack of light. He closed his eyes.

"I don't know either. I shouldn't of acted that way. It was childish." Basil scooted away.

"You don't have to do that. You can lay down." Kel moved to the side for Basil to have some space. He always took too much.

"I want to, but you... still have vomit in your hair." Kel took a deep breath. He didn't want to deal with it. He wanted to cuddle and be warm and comfortable. He knew he was touch starved, and was sure Basil was too. He missed when everyone would cuddle in Sunny’s tiny little bed, even if it was cramped. It would be good for both of them.

"I mean... just change your shirt at least." God. Everything was triggering him. Food, clothes, his own body, his family, even Basil. He hated this. He just wanted it to be over. To just get up and be normal, happy, energetic Kel without a care in the world.

He couldn't do that. Mari was dead.

He started crying again, silently. He blinked the tears away.

"I can, but... can you get me one? I don't want... I don't want to see the size. I know I’ll look and I’ll feel even worse.” Basil put his hand on his leg.

"I guess... it is that bad. I will." He got up and dug through Kel's closet, still a mess as usual, pulling out a solid blue t shirt. He didn't remember the size. Good.

"Is this one okay?" Basil held it up. Kel looked. "Yep." He didn't know the size. Kel took the shirt. He waited for a second. No one had seen him shirtless in a long time. He didn't want anyone to. He didn’t even want to see himself. He reached for the blanket nearby, covering himself with it. Completely dark. He changed. He was glad he couldn't see. Himself. The size. It was just a shirt. But he was scared of it.

Kel took a deep breath when he got out. Freedom. He pushed the blanket to the side and scooted over for Basil, standing up and stretching out before he got back on the bed, scooting back. He dropped the shirt in front of the closet. There were tons of clothes anyways. Basil sat before laying on his side, facing away from Kel. Kel slowly moved his hand around his waist, scooting closer so they were touching. He was a bit uncomfortable with how Basil could feel his body, feel his flaws, but he loved the warmth and contact of him, the smell of his mother's shampoo. He gently put his nose and lips to the nape of his neck, making Basil giggle as he was tickled by Kel’s breath. Kel smiled against his back, feeling Basil’s hair brush on his forehead. This was so nice.

"By the way, I talked to your dad and Hero." Kel's hand tensed. Moment ruined.

"Calm down, n-nothing happened. I explained to Hero that you didn't want to be around him for now and he hesitantly agreed. He's gonna stay downstairs tonight. Your dad is really worried, but he said that he knows you'll get through it. That you-you're strong. He's right." Kel gripped at the hoodie.

"B-but... he's wrong. I'm not strong. I was just... pretending this whole time." He wanted to cry, but he was so exhausted. He couldn't anymore.

"Kel, you are. We just need to figure out what you need. What we both need." Kel shook his head against his neck.

"I h-have no idea. I'm... I'm terrified. How am I supposed to live like this? I can't even change in front of you. And you're my freaking boyfriend. You've seen me without clothes before, but I'm so embarrassed for no reason. How am I supposed to do it in front of a bunch of strangers for basketball? Strangers that look better, that are better than me." Basil put his hand on his. Kel trembled. He appreciated him so, so much. He wished he wasn’t so weak.

"We can start easy. What do you need me to do for you?" His head shook again.

"I just... I want this." He wanted to be comfortable. He didn't want to deal with the stress, the guilt, the self hatred, the fear, the pain...

"Kel. Cuddling isn't enough to fix your eating disorder. I know it isn't. You know it isn’t. Be specific." It still hurt for it to be called that. Hero was right.

"I don't want to be in control. I don't know what normal is, when it comes to food. It's always too much or too little." Kel thought about it. He never really knew what was and wasn't normal. He would just eat until he was full for so long, because there was always food. Hispanic families were like that, or at least his own was. Serve yourself, and there was always plenty. It was always that way for his family's meals, even at reunions. It was the same way at the picnics. It was still that way, at least when they would have food in the house. When he’d buy food for binges, he’d just go until he was full or started to feel like shit, just a matter of which came first. Usually the first followed by the second.

"There really isn't a way to know that. Maybe... calories?" Kel sighed. Not that simple.

"I keep track, but in the moment it doesn't matter to me. I count afterwards and I feel horrible." He really didn't like saying this out loud, but Basil made him feel like this was okay. He wouldn't judge him.

"What's the average amount when you do it? Maybe it isn't as bad as you think." Kel thought for a bit. Yesterday was 6100. Last month he had a smaller one, only about 3000. The rest were varying between 4000-5000. But there was that one time...

"Five thousand. It's bad. That's like, 3 days of food." Kel had started to compensate for his behavior in the beginning, around January, by eating less in the days after one of his nightly escapades. But he learned he couldn't skip every meal, so he would usually starve until dinner. He could make it through until then, without feeling too bad, physically. In June, he had two binges in a row as a result of him refusing to eat the entire day. He ended up eating even more than usual when he woke up during the night. He felt like crap the next day, physically and mentally, but he still enjoyed it in the moment. And that's why he felt gross.

"It happens to everyone." Kel shook his head.

"No, it doesn't. I literally... god, somethings really wrong with me, isn't there?" Kel wanted to back away. He loved the contact, the way his hand moved with Basil's breathing, the warmth of him against his chest. He felt dirty. Disgusting. He shouldn't be touching him.

"Maybe you just need to be... how do I put this? More strict? Maybe exercising would help. You still run around a lot though, right?"

"I'm... I'm already really hard on myself." Kel closed his eyes. He didn't want to think about this stuff. He had to resist the urge to bite his hand again. He was still hungry, even though he tried to convince himself he wasn't. He was also disappointed. Only got around 1000 steps in today. Not enough. Far from average. What he looked it up on the computer at the library, the article he found said that most adults should get 10,000. That seemed so hard, and yet he forced more on himself. If he didn't add additional walking throughout his day, it was uncommon for him to even get to 5,000. He would always jog around the basketball court at the park when it wasn't enough.

"You... it's... it's far from the best idea, but what about earlier?" Kel tilted his head up a bit.

"Basil, a lot of shit happened today. When?"

"In the bathroom. Y-you... you said you could just... throw up." Basil yawned. Kel forgot. To him, earlier felt like he just threw up after eating, like last night. He did say that, he did make himself throw up, but he didn't really want to. It felt awful. It burned his throat and nose. He didn't want it to be another habit. But, it was true, right? He could eat whatever, whenever, and not have to deal with being fat. Ever. He would be fit and healthy, but he could eat all the garbage he wanted. He drooled just thinking of it. He could be free.

"I did. It's... not the best, but... if I do it, I can..." Kel felt his body shudder. He was already fantasizing about food again. Ice cream. Burgers. Soda. Cookies. Pasta. Chicken strips. God, he wanted everything. Just the thought, the thought he could enjoy what he wanted, he could be selfish, made him ecstatic. He could do it. Throwing up earlier wasn't the best feeling, and he would need to be careful to not make a mess or get caught, but the pleasure far outweighed that. Even if he threw it up, eating it made him happy, so he wouldn't be wasting it, right?

Kel waited for a bit for Basil to respond, but he didn't. He nudged him a bit. Yep, passed out. Food. He bit his hand on the outside this time. Tomorrow, he'd be free. He could say he was over it to Hero, apologize with flowers to his mom, and everything would be okay. He could just erase it. Erase the last two days. He could be warm.

He could be happy.

Chapter Text

Kel reluctantly fell asleep. He tried to stay up, thinking. He knew the moment would end, but his body was heavy, and he was starving. He snuggled closer into Basil and let sleep overtake him, as his stomach continued to ache.

-

Kel was standing in his room, drenched in blue light. He was aware he was dreaming, but couldn't quite choose what he wanted to do. He started by looking around. Strangely, his side of the room was clean, unlike in real life. Hero's side was empty. He went over to the wall and put his hand on it, phasing through a bit. He decided to walk through the wall and ended up downstairs in the kitchen, fairly normal looking.

"No." He had no idea who said that. Kel suddenly felt a pain in his stomach, and reached down, lifting up his shirt. Wrong. This was wrong. His body shouldn't look like that. Why wasn't it flat? Why was it like that? He tried to grab at the fat, rip it off, but of course, it was a part of him now. He was panicking. He didn't look like that, he didn't feel like that, it was wrong.

He heard a door squeak.

He knew what it was.

He looked at the fridge, reaching for it. He still wanted it, wanted food, more than he wanted to be skinny. Even with the way he looked. When his hand got past the door, everything went black. He blinked in the dark for a second before the ground vanished.

He was falling.

-

Kel snapped awake with a deep breath, sitting up in bed, moving his hand down. Okay, not real. Thank god. He traced the line over his hip bone with his finger. Still there. He moved up to his ribs. Still there. He sighed in relief. He was okay. He looked to his side. Basil was still asleep. He took a second to think, looking around the room. It was some time in the morning but he wasn't sure how early. Whatever. He was dizzy and wanted to sleep still.

But what if it happened again?

Kel hated how he felt in that dream. He felt like a freak. Deformed. Disgusting.

He couldn't let that happen in real life.

He should shower and go work out. It had been a couple days.

Kel wiggled out of bed, trying not to wake up Basil, and glanced down the stairs. Should he sneak out? Hero was down there. His parents were probably gone already. His dad did lumber work in the morning before it got hot, and he had no idea where his mom went. Whatever. He didn't care. It was better if he didn't see them.

Kel locked the bathroom door behind him. Normally he wouldn't, but he was scared. What if someone walked in? He would never emotionally recover from that. At least not now.

Now came the hard part. It was fairly dark in the bathroom without the light, but the sun shone in from the window. He could still see well enough. Kel had felt crappy about himself before but this was a new low. He though he'd already hit the bottom, but lately everything regarding himself kept getting worse and worse.

He didn't want to do this.

Kel brought a hand to his hair. He joked about it, but it was really bothering him. His scalp itched. The vomit was now the start of a few knots that formed as he rolled around in his sleep. He took a deep breath. It wasn't the best or worse solution, but the only solution he could think of.

Kel snuck back into his room for a change of clothes. Basil stirred a bit when he closed the closet door, but he got out without waking him up just fine. He went back into the bathroom, running the bath hot, like always. He sat on the floor, letting the steam hit his face. Relaxing.

He left the extra clothes near the counter and stuck his leg in. It burned. He deserved this. He was a piece of crap. Kel shook his head. He needed to stop thinking like that.

It was true though, right?

Normally he would gradually get in. He needed to push himself more, harder, and even though it was stupid, this was a good first step. Maybe his clothes would shield some of the heat.

He quickly forced his other foot in. Ow, ow, ow-

Suck it up.

He took a deep breath and lowered himself in. He wanted to go faster but couldn't. It hurt too much. It burned. His eyes teared and he whimpered, but he still forced himself in. It was too hot to be comfortable. This was his punishment for being greedy. He deserved this.

Did he?

Kel didn't do anything that bad. He overate, and was kind of loud, and wasn't the best at school stuff, but he passed. Why was he like this? Why was he doing this?

Mari had always been there for him. He always was pretty active, and she was a bit too, but after her softball season ended her knees forced her to stop playing, but she always had the perfect body despite the new inactivity. She didn’t diet or do anything crazy and looked perfect. It was hard for him to accept. He was a healthy weight, at least from what his doctor told him, but he couldn’t help but feel bad about how round his face was, or how his stomach would fold when he sat. She encouraged Kel to be himself, which helped him feel better. And that was alright, until they started having picnics.

He easily could and often would out-eat everybody else. He'd do it as a little act at lunch sometimes, and would eat almost anything other kids would give him. Kel didn't care though, it was funny to him, and even if it was gross stuff, he could eat it fast enough to not even taste it. He loved doing that with orange joe around Aubrey. He didn't even like it that much. It was too sweet, and sometimes the caffeine would keep him up at night. But the shock was funny. At least with her.

He usually ate too much at the picnics, but he forced himself to wait until everyone got what they wanted then he would eat whatever was left. One of the earlier times their group was together, they had all gone to Gino's, minus Basil. Everyone reassured him he could have as much as he wanted, and for Kel, that was a mistake.

They were all distracted. He'd already eaten half of an entire pizza. But he was still hungry. Well, not really. But he could fit more. So he did. He always did. He ate the entire thing in silence, expecting everyone to be mad, be upset, but they weren't. Hero pat him on the back, Sunny offered him more, and Aubrey said her usual insults, but she wasn’t mad. They also found it funny, like the kids that would give him disgusting things to eat at lunch, like milk and hot sauce mixed together. Everyone did.

Except Mari.

Kel took a deep breath. Thinking about that stuff just made him feel bad. More important things were going on he should think about. The date was coming up soon. October 5th. It was September 12th, at least he thought it was.

"One year..." Kel didn't know what to do. He didn't know if he could handle going. He did, once, on her birthday this year. He was worried Aubrey would be there every time he'd said he'd go, but she never was. Kel always would go outside to the graveyard, look at the spot from the door for a bit, then leave. He was too scared of how he would act when he did.

It was rough, to say the least. He tried to be cheerful, telling her about his new friends and school. But everything else was awful back then. Hero was trapped inside himself. Sunny wouldn't respond to his phone, knocking, or anything else Kel tried. He still had hope he would. Even his mom had ignored him. Aubrey was angry and would make fun of him when he tried to talk to her, and Basil was... well, Kel knew what was up now.

But he was mad. Mad that everything was taken away. Mad that Mari forced herself away from everyone. She helped him, taught him so many things, and she just... gave up. Kel never gave up, even now when he was suffering. Why would she do that? She tried so hard on the piano, and on the day she was about to be free from the recital, she ended herself. He didn't understand.

Kel sunk down so just his eyes and nose were above the surface, looking at the clothes billowing in the water. Mari would be disappointed with where he was now. He was so lost. She tried to get him to slow down when he ate after the pizza thing, and it helped, but he completely broke down and lost all of the progress he made after she was gone. He wanted her help. He either wanted to be full or to starve. What was the point in trying to be stable? He would just relapse again. He knew he would. He did. He tried to find the middle ground and failed so many times.

That's why he felt this way. He was a failure to Mari. He promised her to do better with his eating, and he was, but he completely gave up once she was gone. There was no point.

Maybe there was a new one. Basil really seemed upset with how he was acting, Hero and his dad actually seemed worried. He had to try better for them.

For Mari.

Chapter Text

Kel forced himself into autopilot. It was hard, but it got him through the process of bathing. It was a bit awkward with the clothes on, but it was better than seeing himself. He needed to be the best he could before others could see him. Before he saw Mari again. The knots were a bit hard to get out, but the wirey brush, still with some of Basil's hair in it, was very good at detangling, as he confirmed yesterday.

Now he had to get out. He let the tub drain while he was still in it. He debated for a bit, but he needed to take the first step to do this. This was just the beginning he would have to take to fix himself. Kel slowly pulled off his shirt. It stuck and clung to his back, so he couldn't do it slow and dramatically as he planned. He pulled the back off first and over his head, then the sleeves, letting it sit in his lap. He was still too scared to look at his stomach. Negative thoughts would come back. His pants were easier. He did like the way his legs were now, for the most part, but some more muscle would look good. The hair was starting to get darker which made him feel more like a man instead of a boy, which was a plus.

Kel looked down at his chest. He tried to exercise as much as he could, but he never seemed to actually get any muscle. He always thought it was simple, just do what you wanted for a couple hours at the gym and don't eat too much. The middleschool gym was kind of sucky though, just dumbbells, treadmills, and bench press stations. He still hadn't checked out the highschool one. It wasn't fair. He did eat too much on occasion, but he tried to keep the correct amount throughout the week. Once a month shouldn't cause this. He really just needed to start fresh, and plan correctly, and stop eating so much. He just needed to find out why first. He knew it was how he was dealing with Mari’s death right now, a coping mechanism, but he needed to stop.

Kel thought about it. Part of the reason why he would binge so much is because it was inconsistent what he would eat. Sometimes lunch was an actual balanced meal, and sometimes it was just an apple or some chips. He didn't have any money at the moment, though, so it wasn't like he could plan meals. Maybe he could explain this to try to get more food in the house and fix the problems with Hero. His mom would usually have leftovers, but they were never as good reheated as they were fresh, and for Kel it took way too much time, even if it was as simple as getting a plate and putting whatever it was on it to microwave it. He’d often pretend to eat it, and actually just throw it away by covering it with other trash, just to get his mom to cook something else.

Kel was surprised with the amount of insight he was having. Guess he really did just needed a cry session and a bit of a freak out to think properly. And some time alone. It was weird. He hated being alone, but he functioned better that way, for the most part. Maybe being hungry was contributing to his need to move on. He leaned back, spreading out his arms. The bathroom air was cold in comparison to the scorching hot water from before. He started looking at them. They were mostly smooth, firm, and a little squishy just at the top, but if he flexed he could see his biceps a bit. He did it, just to check they were still there. He wished they looked that way normally. He would just need to do more pushups from now on.

What would he say to Hero? He had a few options. He imagined himself saying it to him, with how they were in the kitchen yesterday morning.

Yesterday was just a bad day. Sorry I freaked out. Hm. That felt like an understatement.

This doesn't happen often and it won't again. Kel sighed. He wanted to believe he would, was no guarantee he wouldn’t.

There wasn't much here to eat and once I got food I overdid it. I was embarrassed. That explained last night. He could keep that. What about yesterday morning?

I felt bad. It was too much too fast. Too vague.

I felt like I didn't deserve the food. You made it too good. That was true, but would cause problems later. He didn't want Hero to feel bad and give it up. He still wanted to eat his cooking, obviously. He was good at it

He sighed. Maybe he could improv it. He sat up a bit more. He needed to get out.

The shirt slid, plopping on the floor of the bathtub. Kel looked before he closed his eyes tightly. He couldn't deal with seeing it. He tried to reach around blindly to find it, but it was lost for now. He turned his head to the side as much as he could before opening his eyes. He was still wet, but he needed to cover himself up. He reached over and grabbed the shirt near the bathtub and put it on, eyes closed. He hated how it felt, wet and clingy, but it was better than if he looked. He got out, leaning over and picking up the clothes. He threw them opposite end of the tub above the drain, stifling a laugh at the noise it made. It felt good. He hadn't laughed since last night, before he fought with Basil. Basil... he still felt bad. At least they made up.

Kel moved to grab his pants and underwear when he heard a knock. Nope. Not responding. Go away. He picked them up. Wait, he probably should-

"Kel? It's me. I just... I want to apologize for yesterday." Mom. Kel completely forgot she was off today. Dammit.

"Your... Hero, he told me what was going on, a even if it was very vague. Just that you’ve been really upset about something. We're both worried. He said he'd never seen you act like that before, on Friday and last night. I'd never seen that. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. It should have been obvious something was wrong. Me and your brother both fought on Friday and... we didn't fix it, and I just carried the anger through until yesterday. He's still asleep, but... I was wondering if you wanna go out together and do something today? The three of us? It's been... it's been a really, really long time..." Kel gripped the clothes hard, looking at his hands. She... she really could say things like that? Why had it taken so long?

"M-maybe..." Kel was disappointed in the shakiness of his own voice. He should have been like "sure!". Pretending everything was fine had always been easier.

"Okay. I'm gonna go get some stuff from work to work on here later. I'll be back in about an hour. I'd really recommend talking to your brother if you can. He's really worried about you. If you change your mind we can go over to Shari's." Kel perked up at the second part, as her heels clicked down the stairs.

Shari's was a little crappy 24/7 chain diner they went to twice with everyone, just a few miles from Faraway. It was awful, it reeks of cigarettes and was dirty, but he loved it. Sunny and him would always play annoying songs on the juke box, and there was this one game that was super hard that Kel could never beat. Sunny couldn't even get far. And Sunny was really, really good at games.

Maybe... maybe Kel could start his diet tomorrow. He needed a self care day. He hadn't eaten without throwing it up since... Thursday night. Damn. That was even a bit shocking to him. They never got to eat out. Kel was thankful Gino's was expensive, and that nothing else was close. He would probably eat shitty fast food all the time, if it was accessible. He knew it was a bad rabbit hole to fall into. Kel shook his head, some water flinging off, before he finished getting dressed. He wrung out the wet clothes before hanging them over the edge of the tub. He could deal with them later. He missed his mom. He wanted to be with her. She always went out or worked on weekends. He missed Hero. He missed their group. They were missing half, but, this was a start.

Kel was so glad Basil was back. He was even his... boyfriend now. Just thinking it made him blush. He never was interested in anyone before, including Basil. He wasn't worried at all about his family reacting badly. He flat out told Hero in the note, and he remembered his mom saying he could do anything as a kid if he was safe, including the not-so-subtle mention of joining him in a pride parade. He smiled, for real. They had held hands, and cuddled... it made him so happy, looking back on it. He needed to hold onto this hope.

Hope that things could go back. Get better.

He could get better.

He could try.

Kel opened the door.

Chapter Text

Kel took a deep breath one more time, shutting the bathroom door behind him. This was gonna be hard. But he believed in himself. He went to walk down the stairs.

He froze at the top step, gripping the railing. He wasn't scared. He could do this. He could talk, be honest, and everyone would understand. He...

Maybe he should talk to Basil first. He glanced at the entryway downstairs before turning around, heading back into his room. Basil was sitting on his bed, fiddling with the hoodie strings, waving his legs back and forth off the edge of the bed. It made Kel smile a bit. So cute.

"Hi." Basil jumped, sticking his hands in his pockets. Cute.

"H-Hi! Are you... doing okay? I see you showered." Kel nodded, bouncing on his feet a bit. Yes, the happiness was coming back!

"Yeah, actually. My mom talked to me, and we're gonna all go out later. Do you wanna come with?" Basil thought for a bit.

"I... do, but I need to check in with my grandma first. In person. She's still... worried. She saw the cut." Kel frowned a bit.

"Is it okay? I'm... I'm sure it has to hurt, right?" Basil slid a hand under the hoodie, feeling at it. Kel felt the urge to do the same thing to himself. Feel. Check. Check what? He pushed the thought aside. He needed to stop doing that.

"It's... it's alright. I mostly just... cut the top layer. Stings a bit, but that’s about it. They’re closer to scratches than actual cuts." He pulled up the fabric, looking down at the mark. Kel glanced before looking away quickly. It felt like he was invading his privacy. He couldn’t help but stare. Basil dropped the hoodie down.

"I'm- sorry...” Kel looked back, shaking his head.

"No. It's me. I keep... looking at your ribs. I don't know why..." Basil curled in on himself, hugging his knees. The shorts went up. Kel saw a couple fresh ones on the thigh he didn’t see yesterday. He looked down in shame. He made him uncomfortable. He scratched behind his head. The shower helped, but his head was still a bit itchy.

"We need to go to therapy. I don't think we can handle this." Kel wasn't sure if he could or not. He was sure he would relapse. He still hadn't eaten. He was scared. Basil would probably go too far, one day. He looked up at him. Basil silently shook his head.

"You can. I can't. T-they... something won't let me." Kel sat next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"What do you mean? We're... we both really need help. Serious help." It hurt for Kel to admit that.

"W-weren't you saying yesterday? They c-can't help us. Help me. We don't need it."

"We do." Basil slowly relaxed. Kel needed to I force this. He also wanted to give up. He couldn’t, for both of their sakes.

"We need each other. That's true. But I wasn't right yesterday. That was one of the worst days I've ever had. I wasn't thinking right. I... I lost hope." Kel put his hand on Basil's, now on the bed.

"It might be best to wait a bit, though. Hero’s still a bit touch and go on what he can handle. The... date is also coming up." Kel felt Basil trembling. He shouldn't have said that.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have-" Basil shook his head, beginning to cry, as he bunched up again. Shit. He messed up. How could he calm him down? He's never done this before. With Hero, his parents intervened, or he insisted he just needed to cry. He didn't want to make him upset. He'd never done that. What was wrong with him? Why'd he talk about Mari?

"I- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. M-Mari. I'm so sorry. Kel, Hero, Sunny... I'm sorry. I-I'm-" A sob came out, followed by sniffling. Fuck, fuck, fuck- Kel didn't know what to do. He reached out- no, probably shouldn't touch him. Shit, what should he do? He had no idea.

Hero.

Kel left, leaving the door cracked. He probably shouldn't have, but this is what he could think of. The hesitation from earlier was gone. He ran down the stairs, looking around the living room. The books and papers were now stacked neatly by the side of the couch. No one.

The kitchen. God. He didn't want to go in. He stopped at the doorway, facing into the living room.

"HERO! I need help!" That was a bit ironic. Kel never asked for help, except when he was burning things in the kitchen. He had to start doing it, as much as he didn't want to seem weak.

Kel heard quick footsteps escalate in volume as Hero ran into the living room. He stopped in front of him, looking around the room for Kel. He was in his usual striped pajamas, in the cheesy pink and frilly apron their mom made him wear when she was mad, still holding a spatula, with a look of determination on his face Kel had never seen before.

"WHO AM I FIGHTING?" Kel snorted. It was so ridiculous.

"Hi. Basil is freaking out and I have no idea what to do." Hero turned to look at him before sighing. Kel felt nothing but panic, pressing himself into the corner. He was here. He’d have to talk. It wasn’t some imaginary Hero while he sat in the bathroom anymore. He was real. Kel was still scared to talk to him. Maybe this would make him forget.

"That's not good. He's in the room, right?" Kel just nodded. If he talked, he'd probably start crying again. He didn't want to do that again in front of him. He wanted to be stronger for both of them. Hero always seemed to step up. Kel wished he could do better.

Hero went in the kitchen for a moment before coming back out, now without the apron and spatula. He glanced at Kel before going up the stairs. Kel followed. Hero knocked on the door, but Kel continued to hear Basil crying as he stood near it. Yeah. He messed up. It welt awful that Kel was now starting to get used to the sound.

"Basil? It's me. I know it's been awhile, but do you need us to help? I don't... I don't want you to be upset. Not here."

"I-" Basil coughed a few times. Was he really crying that hard? Just hearing it made both of the brothers upset.

"Look, I don't know what's going on, but we're here for you. We can help. What do you need?" Basil sobbed one last time before it went silent. Hero resisted before knocking again. Kel heard Basil hiss through his teeth before gasping for air, resuming to sob.

"Oh god... oh no..." He’s doing it again. Kel pushed Hero to the side, grabbing the doorknob. Locked. He kept pulling and twisting it. Open. Open, god dammit.

"Kel?" Hero nudged his shoulder. Kel felt the tears coming. Basil. Basil. He needs to help him. He was definitely doing it. What did he have? Kel had scissors on his desk. Were they sharp enough? Did Basil bring something else? Why would he do it here?

"Hero, he-" Something clattered on the ground. Kel rested his forehead against the door, tugging at the handle weakly as the door rattled in its frame, tears dropping onto the floor.

"Please, please let us help." Kel looked up at Hero, tears streaming. His face was blurred by them.

"He... he might... I..." Kel blinked before continuing to pull. Open.

Hero gave a stern look before he knocked one last time.

"Basil. Let us in. Please. We... we already lost two of us, essentially. Please don’t make it a third. I don't know what's up with Aubrey, but we can bring her back too. It'll work out." Kel's mind blanked out. He slid to the ground. Fear overwhelmed him.

Was... did Hero think he...

Was that why he was so worried yesterday?

Kel didn't... Kel wasn't even thinking of doing that. He didn't even know what it was until the ambulances showed up.

Basil. He needed to check on him so much sooner. Would Basil do something like that? Like Mari did? Suicide?

Would Kel do it?

He was so scared at that thought. What if he didn’t check on Basil yesterday? What if Sunny did it? Was Sunny even alive? Was Aubrey dealing with something like this? Did he not know something about Hero? He bit his lip as he trembled.

“Please...”

The door unlocked.

Chapter Text

Kel stood back up and pushed Hero to the side once the door opened. His eyes met with Basil's. Both of them were still crying, but Basil was silent. He looked up at Hero.

"J-just... just give me a bit with him." Hero nodded. His voice was hoarse.

"If either of you need anything, please tell me. I'm worried sick and have no idea what’s going on. I've never seen either of you like this, and..." He took a deep breath.

"Just, stay safe." He patted both of their heads before turning back towards the stairs, heading down around halfway before sitting down. Kel looked back at him the same time Hero looked up, forcing a smile. It would be okay. He turned back and started walking, making Basil walk back as the door closed behind them.

"Basil, I'm- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to- I just was trying to bring up the truth of what we’re going to have to face. Are you okay? I just-" Basil slapped a hand over Kel's mouth, using the hoodie sleeve to wipe at his eyes and nose. Kel raised his eyebrows in confusion. It was cold.

"Stop. You talk too much." Basil pulled his hand away. They both looked down at their feet.  Basil turned towards Kel's desk, crouching down and picking something up from behind a shirt on the floor. Basil came back, holding it up.

"This... you remember it, right?" A small pairing knife with a black handle. Kel wished he didn't. It implied so many things Kel couldn’t even imagine about Basil.

"It... went missing from Sunny's. I remember that. We all freaked out for a bit, thinking Mewo got it, but we... we never found it." Basil brought the tip to his finger, humming in agreement. The way he looked at it, the glimmer of pride, the slight smile, filled Kel with disgust. But he understood. Doing this must cause Basil some amount of satisfaction, despite the obvious embarrassment and shame. It must be like how Kel felt, the small bit of pride when he would manage to eat just a bit more than the previous binge. God damn, what was wrong with them? Both of them?

"I stole it." Basil twirled it in his fingers before he put the knife back in the front pocket of the shorts.

"Why?" He understood the cutting. He didn’t understand why he’d steal it. Basil looked away.

"It's... complicated. Sunny... when we were alone at his house, he would get paranoid sometimes. Don’t know of what, exactly, but I think it had something to do with that day at the lake. One time, when he got like that, he went to the kitchen. When I got there, he was just holding the big steak knife we used for cutting up vegetables, just walking around with it, casually. I think... I think it was a reassuring thing. I don't know why, but... I copied him. I wanted us to... match." Basil looked back at his clothes, folded at the end of Kel's bed. Yikes.

"I still copy him. I don't know why. I just... I care about him so much. I-I miss him. I used to talk to him about..." He gestured over his stomach. "...this, all the time. I used to do it before, I'm sure you know. But, it got so much worse. I was so, so scared... to tell anyone, to do anything..."

"I just... he's always so calm. I know that's why it wasn't him. He couldn't have done that. Sunny's a good person. But... I can't find anyone else. N-no one else will ever be the same. He knew everything about me. I'm too scared to talk to him now. He... he h-hates me. I don't blame him." Kel looked up at the ceiling, putting his hands on his hips and taking a deep breath.

"Holy shit, that was a lot."

"Y-yeah... that's how it was like between us. I’d just... ramble, and he’d listen.” Kel looked at him. They both stopped crying awhile ago, but Kel could feel his own exhaustion, as well as Basil's.

"Basil, this is literally what a therapist is supposed to do. They're supposed to listen." Basil looked down again.

"I tried, Kel. I... I don't trust them. What if they report stuff? What if they tell my grandma what I say? Th-they did before, and... they basically i-imprisoned me." Uh. Um. Think, Kel. Think.

"I don't think they can do that. But you need it. I do, too. Honestly... you only know the surface of my... stuff. I’m sure you haven’t told me much, either. Hero probably knows what they are and aren’t allowed to do and say. He did go to therapy, just for a bit, though. But he’s also looking into it as a career. So, it’ll be okay.” Basil slowly pulled Kel into a hug, and Kel hugged back. He felt more tears on his shoulder as he put his hand into Basil's hair. So soft...

"I'm here, too. I don't always have the best advice, and I might not be smart, but I love you." He felt Basil's grip tighten on his shirt. His nails hurt a bit, but Kel let him.

"I-I love you, too." Kel closed his eyes, both of them enjoying the moment. After a few seconds they pulled apart, Basil wiping at his tears again with the inside of the hoodie.

"I got your hoodie so wet, heheh. Sorry." Kel smiled, naturally.

"It's okay! It can be washed. Do you need a clean one?" Basil shook his head, holding Kel’s hands.

"It's okay. I can change at home. I'm sure my grandma will let me come with, by the way. I probably should go." Kel stepped to the side.

"You shouldn't bring the knife places, keep it there. It's dangerous, and you can get in trouble. I'd take it, but... it's not like you can take away my mouth." Kel almost forgot about his own problems for a bit. But he was ready to deal with this. He was sick of being sad. Sick of crying.

"I-I won't. I agree." Basil put his hand on the doorknob, but stopped.

"By the way, Kel? You are smart." He opened the door. Kel blushed, holding his shirt as butterflies flew in his stomach. Oh gosh... that, that was the best compliment he'd ever received. He thought of Basil's little smile yesterday as he brushed out his hair. He loved him. God. He... he really was gay, wasn't he? Kel had never thought about it before now.

Oh. Basil was gone. He had no idea what to do. Well, actually... that left one thing.

He had to talk to Hero.

Chapter Text

Kel slapped his face a bit. He needs to stop thinking about this crap and face his problems. He'll be up front. Be honest with Hero. He took a second and focused on his breathing, bouncing on his heels. Gotta get the energy back. Hype himself up. He went to open the door.

His hand wouldn't move. He was ready. Why wasn't his body doing what he wanted? His stomach growled, again. Stop it. His hand twitched in anger. "God dammit..." Kel needed to suck it up. Eat a normal meal. Be normal. They were all going out. He could just get whatever Basil got. It would be fine. Hero was waiting. Don't blow it. He started easy with wiggling his fingers, then his hand, and worked up his arm until he put his hand on the doorknob. That was weird. Why did he have to do that? His body wasn't listening to him. He hesitantly stepped out.

Hero was gone. He was too slow. Kel walked to the stairs, standing at the railing. Failure. Idiot. Couldn't just walk. He shook his head again. Shake out the bad thoughts. Kel took a second, he was still nervous, but found walking down was easier than earlier. The panic was gone, but his legs were numb. It felt like when he'd come in after being outside all day in the cold, numb. Maybe he could go faster.

Kel stepped down. 5 left. 4, 3, maybe he can skip one. Just for fun. He stuck his leg out, putting down his other foot.

Too far.

He felt light as he slipped, the edge digging into his foot before the weightlessness set it. Then it was immediately replaced by pain. He stuck out his arms to catch himself, but he skidded down onto his chest, hitting his chin on the floor. Kel groaned a bit, moving to sit up. His wrist really hurt. Where was the entryway? The back of his head felt like static. What was going on? He'd fallen like this before, and been fine. Why did he feel like this now?

"Kel! Are you okay?" Kel shifted to sit up, but he was dizzy. He couldn't lift his head up. He felt nauseous.

"I'm... I slipped." It didn't feel like his mouth was moving. Hero was trying to help him up. Kel tried to make it easier, but he felt so heavy. Fatass. He heard Hero struggle as the world came back into focus. He was on the couch. It was bright in here. It hurt his eyes. Kel wanted to sleep. He was tired. He looked at the table. The notebook was still there. Ugh.

"I got you some ice. I don't know where... um..." Kel stared at him a bit. Hero blinked back in confusion. His brother. His wonderful, handsome, smart, perfect brother. Henry. Hero. He'd be so disappointed if he knew what his brain was like right now. He was disappointed in himself. Couldn't even walk down the stairs right. He had to have felt how heavy and gross Kel was when he picked him up. Kel looked up at the ceiling, squeezing his eyes shut. Stop that. Think about something else. What was mom up to? She was at work, right?

Kel flinched at the cold on his face but dealt with it, touching it for a second. Someone was taking care of him. How selfish. Everyone else had enough to deal with. Kel could have handled this by himself. Just a few seconds on the floor and he'd have been fine.

"Kel? You there? You haven't responded. Did... did you hit your head?" Hero’s hand waved in front of his face. He squinted before used his hand to dismiss him. He hit his jaw. Good. Maybe he'd eat less. He brought his fingers up to his face, touching where it hurt. His hand was shaking.

"Mmmh... it hurts, but I think I'm okay. Everything feels... weird. I'm..." Hungry. Is that really it? Kel ate yesterday. He was fine.

"Do you want some water?" Kel nodded. No calories. It was okay. He leaned his head on the armrest, closing his eyes. It helped him focus. He just listened, hearing glass clinking. This was nice. His brother was back, finally. It had only been a few weeks since they fought, but Hero still wasn't fully back, until a couple days before Friday. Kel examined his wrist. Nothing visible. He was right handed, but his left worked fairly well for most things as well. Hopefully this wouldn't mess up basketball. He'd have to find and talk to the coach tomorrow. One of his teachers was missing too, on a trip or something, which was weird. God. School was gonna suck. He had math first thing in the morning, too.

Hero came back with some water and some pills, Kel assumed it was some pain med. He was still wearing those same striped pajamas. Both of them had gotten taller, but mainly Hero. Kel could see part of his hip when he lifted his arm to hand the water over. He'd need to get new clothes soon. Kel would too. He was not looking forward to that.

"Here, um, just some aspirin. Is anything else hurt?" Kel took the water in his good hand and put the worse one out for the pills. 2. Hm. His mom had to take them a lot, since she had foot problems. Wait. Did pills have calories in them? Kel had never though about it. Whatever. They're really small. Can’t be too many. His jaw and hand hurt. He went to put them in his mouth, but stopped when Hero grabbed his wrist, the bad one. Ow.

"Hold on. Have you eaten anything yet? Wait, sorry. I know it's touchy now. But, it's not a good idea to take them if you haven't yet. You didn't come downstairs yesterday, or this morning, so..." Kel sighed.

"No. I... I threw up at Basil's yesterday. And the night before." Kel was confused by Hero's expression. He couldn't tell what it was. Confusion? Shock? Worry? It was okay. He didn't mean to. No, he did mean to. At least the second time. Hero didn't need to know that.

"Kel, that's really bad. You need to eat. I'm getting you something. What do you want?" Kel shrugged. He didn't want anything. There was nothing to eat here, anyways. Wasn't too uncommon.

"Can we... maybe wait for mom? She wants to go out. Basil too. It's been a long time." Hero sighed.

"Okay, but, drink the water? For me? Please?" Ugh. Stupid and charming Hero. He couldn't say no. Kel paused for a bit but grabbed the glass, bringing it to his lips as Hero sat on the floor nearby, grabbing the notebook, reading a page. He wanted to burn that thing. Kel didn't want to move though. Is that why he slipped? He didn't really feel dizzy. At least, until after he fell. The water felt weird in his mouth, like it wasn't actually wet. He swallowed a bit. Then slammed the rest down. He really was thirsty. It felt like a rock in his stomach, cold and heavy. Better than nothing, he guessed. It made the hunger less intense. He heard the notebook close.

"So. I don't want to, but... we need to talk about yesterday, and the night before. I don't want to ruin today, but we need to. We haven't gone out in awhile, especially not with mom, or Basil. This needs to come first. I'm... I'm really worried. I've never seen you like that. And... the number thing. I'm not fully sure what it was, but. It... It's obvious... obvious that it's more than just some random thing you made up. What was that?" Kel felt the tears coming, looking at his hands and rolling the glass between them. He was right. They needed to talk. He needed to talk. He didn't want him to be right.

"C-Calories." He couldn't say more. He wanted to. Say he threw up, on purpose. That he hated himself. He felt fat. He was an idiot. He didn't think he deserved anything. But Hero's face already looked so sad. There was a lump in his throat, and he knew he would full on sob if he kept going. He couldn't push it. He couldn't do it. He lied to himself, again. He was a failure. Today still needed to be good, even if he didn't want to do it.

"Kel-" Kel shook his head.

"Can we... stop talking? Please? I need to move on. We need to move on. It just makes me feel worse." Both of the brothers sat in silence, fidgeting with their hands in different ways. Kel was pretty sure they both had ADHD. One of his teachers said he might have it awhile ago, with his running around, inability to pay attention, and refusal to shut up. It was not put nicely. Hero was the same, but he was pretty quiet in comparison. He’d just mess with stuff when he didn’t feel like working, or would space out instead. Kel focused on the nice picture they had of all of them, dressed up nicely. Before his mother was consumed by rage. Before Hero was consumed with grief. Before his dad became willfully ignorant. Before Kel gave up on himself. They should retake it soon. Kel didn't know how much longer he could take this. He shook his head again. He needed to stop thinking things like that. Both of them jumped out of their silence when the door opened, Kel scrambling to sit up and Hero standing, leaving the notebook on the floor.

"Kel, go help Basil carry stuff. He said he could do it, but he's... still in the driveway." Kel moved to get up, but stopped when Hero ran out instead. Hm. He sat up, seeing his mom with a file box. Woo. More work.

"Gonna help?" She motioned with her head. Kel shook his head.

"Why not?" Ah. There's the anger. Basil and Hero came back in, Basil audibly struggling with whatever he had.

"Just, y'know, fell down the stairs." Kel heard a box drop. Not his moms. Probably Basil.

"W-What? How?" He shrugged as she put down her box.

"Went too fast. Slipped." He really didn't want to talk right now, and especially not with her. Basil was a good distraction. She'd just get more mad. Kel closed his eyes again, but jumped when arms wrapped around him and hair was pressed into his face. He hugged back. Mom's shampoo. Kel smiled.

"Are you okay? I- that must have been scary-" Oh right. Basil used her shampoo yesterday. He wished it was her for a second, sudden sympathy from her unending rage, but this was good too.

"Yeah. A bit sore in some spots, but it wasn't like it was the whole staircase." Basils grip tightened. Kel rubbed his back.

"Hey, it's okay, I'm fine." Basil pulled back, eyes watery. And red. And scared. Him and Kel must have the world record for the most crying to happen in 24 hours at this point, he thought. Kel turned, sitting on the couch. Basil moved next to him, his hand barely grazing his thigh. Basil must be worried about his mom. Well, not about the gay thing. It took forever for them to fully approve of Hero dating. And Kel was Kel. He rarely got away with things once she knew. His wrist still hurt a bit, but he was fine now. He moved the ice down to his hand. Maybe he really did just need water and a break.

"Okay, well, I'm gonna have to finish this stuff up later, so we should get going." Kel rubbed his hands together nervously. He didn't know what would happen today. But at least Basil was here.

He wasn't ready, but he'd try. For at least a day.

Chapter Text

Kel and Basil sat in silence for a bit as Hero helped their mom bring her stuff in, and it continued while they both got ready. Once they were away from the other two, their hands naturally found their way to the other. Basil didn't want to talk, and neither did Kel. They'd done enough for now. They'd cried enough. Said enough. There was one more thing he had to ask about, though.

"You left the knife, right?" Kel glanced with his eyes, seeing Basil give a small nod. He looked embarrassed. Ashamed. Understandable.

"You two ready?" Hero walked over, adjusting his collar, wearing a newer shirt. Blue, long sleeved, with a little cow emblem on the chest. Kel liked it. It fit him well. He was looking at some schools in Texas, so it felt appropriate. He even had a tshirt with the same shape. Their hands move apart again, quick, but less urgent than yesterday. Hero knew, after all. Kel would have to find a way to stop doing that. Being embarrassed of Basil. He liked the touch. Knowing that Basil was there. He knew his parents would be okay with it, him not being straight, but not about him being with Basil. Mari was basically perfect, and it took so long for his mom to accept her as being Hero's girlfriend.

He liked Basil, his family liked Basil, but they all knew he had problems. Serious ones. He had found Mari in the tree, and had to talk to everyone and the police, since Sunny refused. Sunny's parents were already at the recital venue, so Kel's parents had to step in. He didn't see her, since everyone was brought away to avoid seeing anything. But Basil had to talk, apparently muttering what his mom only described as "nonsense" after what happened. She'd judge him if she knew, harshly. Just another secret they'd have to keep. At least until they couldn't anymore.

Oh right. Kel needed to say something.

"Yeah. I think?" Kel looked at Basil and he nodded. Still looked a bit embarrassed. Alright. Time to go. Get up. Kel had to do this. He couldn't get out of it without ruining everyone's day. Hero walked away, now talking with their mom about some program for college he needed to do that Kel had missed. They had talked about it in the auditorium yesterday, but he was too busy talking, trying to get a new friend group before everyone scurried off and made their own groups. He made friends with Jay, but he was the only one that really stuck in his mind, since he put in the effort to hang out with Kel, instead of Kel forcing it. He heard he had a small group, but insisted Kel probably wouldn't fit since they were a bunch of meat-head types. Most people didn't do that for him. No one did last year. Everyone else around him was fake. Kel hated it. He'd push and push, trying to get his usual lunch group to go do something fun, but everyone was always "busy", at least while he was around.

He wondered how him and Basil would function together at the new school. They didn't have any classes, at least that Kel could tell. The lunch breaks were divided weird, with it being decided based on what class each student had prior to the break. Kel had the first one. He didn't know what to do about it tomorrow. Should he eat breakfast? Lunch? Did he want it? The school breakfast was just some crappy bread thing covered in cinnamon sugar and served with milk. He didn't even want it, and he'd eat almost anything, which was saying something. He should skip it, but was there anything here? Did his mom say they were gonna go shopping? Kel used to love it because she usually let him get whatever snacks he wanted, but now he'd be too worried about the calories and other crap-

"Kel?" Basil poked his shoulder, now standing in front of him. Oh. He did that thing again. Everyone was ready to leave. Daydreaming like that was starting to become a habit. He needed to hurry. Kel stood up, but felt the dizziness come back. His feet stumbled a bit, but he managed to stay upright. Hopefully it would go away. His moms keys jingled a bit, and everyone else was putting on their shoes at the door. Kel joined, following behind, sliding on his flipflops. Why was he so sluggish and slow? Stupid idiot. Kel felt Basil pulling him by his wrist. It didn't feel like he was actually here. His brain was still stuck in the bathtub. In the toilet. In the fridge. The sun hurt his eyes, and the summer heat waves rising from the concrete this early made him sluggish. This was too much. Is this why Basil and Sunny never went outside? He understood now. He wanted to crawl into bed where he saw no one and no one would see him.

Hero went ahead in the passenger seat. Since he was the tallest he usually got that spot, while  Kel sat in the back. He didn't even remember the last time his dad was in the car with the three of them. Kel wouldn't have been able to handle being next to his family members, so he was glad Basil sat in the back. He also knew Hero would have to scrunch up in the back, being so tall, and that sucked. Kel was also starting to have to bend his legs weirdly to fit.

He opened the door. His wrist still hurt a bit, but it wasn't as bad as earlier. Thankfully, the air conditioner was already on, so the sun didn't bake the buckles hot enough to burn his skin. Kel went to buckle the seatbelt quickly, getting frustrated when it locked. He let it slip back into the seat, crossing his arms and huffing, feeling everyone looking at him. He hated seatbelts. He didn't want to wear it. He didn't care what would happen if he didn't.

"Kel. You have to wear it. I'm not letting you do that anymore. You're old enough. Suck it up." He sighed, pulling it again and finally buckling it. It locked again when he moved around to get comfortable, the fabric digging into his neck. It was tight on his lap and chest. Stupid fatass. He was slowing everyone down again. Kel closed his eyes, resting his head against the window. Today already sucked. Already ruined.

Kel felt Basil nudge his hand as they backed out of the driveway. He checked to see his mom wasn't looking before putting a couple of his fingers over his, their hands in the middle seat. That was better. Kel still felt the belt choking him slightly. Whatever. Ignore it.

It was quiet. Kel kept his focus outside, looking at the lines passing in blurs on the street before closing his eyes. Why was he so tired? He hated this feeling. This sucked. It was way too quiet. The only sound was from the air conditioner and the humming of the car. He heard Hero cough and his mom sniffle. This was awful. Kel turned at Basil, who was also looking out the window. Great minds think alike. But they still had a 10 minute drive. His mom clicked on the radio, making everyone jump as a loud rock song blasted out, Hero immediately moving his hand to the center and turning the volume down to zero.

"Shit. Sorry." She tapped her fingers on the steering wheel. Fuck. This was horrible. Kel looked at one of the many closed and run down businesses as they got on the outskirts of the next town over. All the schools were in this area, as well as some of the other businesses not in Farway. Othermart and the other stores near Kel's house were good for most things, but there wasn't anywhere to get stuff like haircuts, a doctors office, or a bank in Faraway. The area was still small, the tallest building being the hospital. Kel and almost every other kid in Faraway was born in and went to it for doctors visits when the pharmacy guy wasn't enough.

Kel never wanted to go back there.

He still remembered the last time he got weighed and asked not to be told it and they still told him. He was so embarrassed. The nurse just went "oopsie daisies" and moved on, while Kel was in mortified silence, faking his smile and dismissing it. He was way too scared to see his weight right now. His last one he knew of was 123, but he knew he'd gotten taller. And fatter. He'd need to see some physical change in his weight before he'd feel confident enough to. They didn't own a scale, but he was pretty sure that weird family down the street did. He sighed again. The windows reflected tons of sunlight. It hurt his eyes. He closed them again as the building went out of view, feeling Basil rub his fingers on his. His hands were cold. The air conditioner was cold. He hated this. He needed to do something.

"Can we like... talk or something?" God. He hated how his voice sounded. Whiny and annoying. The additional sadness and crying yesterday and today made it worse. No wonder he couldn't make friends by talking. Everything involving his mouth was poisonous. He'd caused so many problems, especially in the past few days. Kel covered his mouth with his hand. Maybe he could tape it shut or something when he'd try to binge again. He didn't know how long his will would last. When he would start, he felt like a vampire with some insatiable bloodlust. Basil wouldn't always be with him to stop him, to stabilize him. He wanted his thoughts to stop racing like this. Hero turned back.

"Uh... about what?"

Kel shrugged, moving his hand down under his chin. He rubbed a bit. Why was it squishy? He hated his face. Even in the reflection. He needed to respond.

"I dunno, but this car is hell right now."

"Language." Kel scoffed, narrowing his eyes in confusion. She cursed all the time. She literally just did. Hell wasn't even a curse word. Hypocrite. The silence resumed for a bit, Kel continuing to stare out the window. He recognized one of the taller buildings, some church, meaning they were just a couple minutes away. He kept poking at his face, trying to make it look like he was just adjusting his hair or arm.

Maybe he should check himself in the mirror beforehand. He knew he'd hate what he saw, but he needed reinforcement. He would have to eat. And he'd have to throw it up. He needed to pretend everything was okay, that it was just a one-time deal of him freaking out over the calories. It would be hard. He wished he could just eat some fries, pretend he wasn't hungry, and be done. He'd try that first, maybe add that he felt nauseous, but Hero knew he hadn't eaten. He'd have to just pick the lowest calorie option, eat, then throw it up before they left. Hopefully no one would be in the bathroom. Yesterday he had the benefit of already being nauseous, but Kel had tried to throw up his food before, and he couldn't force it. The fear would make him this time. He placed his head in his hand, rubbing at his cheek. Squishy. It had been awhile since he'd been over here. It was for the best. There were restaurants and fast food places all over the place.

"Basil? How have you been doing? You're looking kind of thin. Pale, too." Oh right. He was in the car still.

Thin.

Kel wondered when he'd finally be able to receive that as a compliment. Thin. Some of the fatter people at the school that would be so jealous of him when he'd finally reach his goal. He'd succeed in it. This time. He'd never been this determined before. He could finally be worth something to someone. Hopefully he could get on the basketball team alright. Faraway was small. He was likely to make it. Just imagining it... it was far off in the future. But he had the image. Him, the star basketball player. Thin and muscular. Kind, fun, and sweet. That was what was realistic for Kel to become.

"Bad, honestly. But I'm alive, I-I guess." Kel saw his mom frown in the mirror, furrowing her eyebrows in concern. Yeah. That was a bad response. Hero matched her expression, rubbing his arm. He did see Basil panic earlier. There was a chance he heard some of their conversation.

Basil’s presence was making his thoughts worse. He was okay with it. He was Kel's friend. Boyfriend. He was here. Kel looked in the reflection at Basil. Basil was looking out the window too. He didn't want to talk, either, Kel guessed. Kel turned his head and looked at his hair, fluffy and soft. He wanted that too. Kel's was always flat, unlike the mess Hero's was, except it would poof up and curl a bit when it was humid out. Always did that when they’d visit his family down south. He'd always had the same haircut. It was getting a bit longer than usual, though. Maybe he'd grow it out for once. He needed change. He wanted it.

Was that all Kel did? Want? All he did was take, want, and keep things. He always wanted more. Greedy. He was nothing but a selfish, fat, loser, idiot, retard... a stupid gluttonous piece of shit. He squeezed his eyes shut. The only time when he stopped thinking about food, when he stopped thinking about his miserable, sad and lonely life, was when he thought about how much he fucking hated himself. When he obsessed over the way he looked compared to others.

God.

Stop it.

He couldn't.

He thought about Basil's ribs again. How good it would be when he could finally feel what it was like to be him, to be able to feel and see his own ribs so easily. Maybe Basil would let him feel his, eventually. He was even ready to consider cutting, just to understand him better. To be closer. He didn't want to let go of him. He was all Kel had now. Aubrey was pissed at him, all the time. She wouldn’t even try. Sunny was gone, basically. He never responded. Mari was dead. Jay didn’t even know him, really. Hero didn't understand, he just wanted to study him, since he was going to be a doctor. His mom didn't even know, she'd never cared about Kel before. She was even forcing Hero out of his dreams for culinary school. How she was to both of them after the funeral proved it. His dad would dismiss him, moving onto some random hobby after a week. Smiling ignorantly.

How would Mari act? Would she be proud? Kel was finally going to put in the effort and lose some weight. Stop binge eating.

He still couldn't figure out why she did it. She was perfect. None of them were, and they were still all holding on.

Barely.

Kel had never thought about suicide. He still wasn’t. He’d always had hope. He did, even now. He still wanted to play basketball, see and do a lot of things, and maybe fix his friend group. He just wanted to look and be a certain way while doing it.

But the way Basil was talking earlier...

The hopelessness.

Kel knew for sure now. It still hurt.

Basil was suicidal.

He had to be.

It should have been obvious enough before, with those longer scars he had, and the way he talked calmly to everyone about what was in the backyard on that day.

Kel didn't even know what suicide was before what happened to Mari. He probably should tell someone. But no one was going to care enough to get him, or Kel, real help. Kel couldn't even say or admit he had a problem until yesterday. He still didn't want to admit it. And reaching out didn't seem to work for Mari, at least from what he could tell. She did the responsible thing, not relying on her friends. They knew nothing. She said nothing to them. Whatever she tried didn't work. Him and Basil would have to work through it. Together. He was the only friend he had left.

"How about Aubrey? I haven’t seen her. I know Sunny’s been... estranged, for awhile.” Kel sighed, talking before Basil could. He'd probably dismiss the reality of it. Anger quickly took him over. He needed to get this anxiety out of his chest, in some way. He would usually run around, exercise, but it's not like he could do that in the car. He liked talking. Just not about himself. Hopefully his upbeat nature would return, or at least an impression of it, by tomorrow.

"She's a huge bitch now. Remember? She sent her gang out on me that one time? I got away fine, but she's still like that." His moms eyes narrowed at the language, but she stayed focused on the road. He didn't mean it to come out like that. Too late. He wanted to yell and run away right now, as fast as he could.

"I know, you were really mad. But, still, don't call girls that." Kel nodded, muttering out a "sorry". She was right about that. Oh. There was that one house, with the weird snake weather vane. They were about to get there. He'd have to deal with eating, including in front of people. Strangers. He was terrified, even though he was fine with it just a couple days ago. It would be rough, but it was another step in a large amount of steps he'd have to take in the upcoming days. Kel hadn't been this low, this deep, ever. Sometimes he'd feel guilty after a binge and starve himself for a bit, exercise a bit more, just enough for him to not feel guilty about eating. But he'd always move on and reset the next day, promising to do better, going back to his version of normal.

Not this time.

He wanted to starve. He wanted to be skinny. He was sick of this. He wanted his face to be less round. He wanted his arms more defined. He wanted his stomach flatter. He wanted to look like the other sports kids. Like Jay, with his muscular arms, with the way Kel could see the outline of his muscular chest under the thin fabric of the jersey he wore. He wanted to look like Hero, with his slender waist, flat and toned stomach, and perfect jawline. He wanted to be like Mari, with her pretty and graceful long legs, slender fingers, and perfect body. But most of all, he wanted to look like Basil, with his pretty ribs, even with the scars patterning the skin over them. His soft eyes, with just a hint of shadow underneath. Proof of the exhaustion and hunger he’d been through. The way Kel's hoodie swarmed his little emaciated body. He didn't change out of it like he said he would, but Kel didn't mind. He felt a blush creep across his face.

Basil.

Wow.

His friend... his boyfriend... was perfect.

Kel jumped up as Basil nudged him, leaning a bit close. He needed that. He was really spiraling deep into his head today. Kel leaned closer as well. Oh god, were they gonna kiss? Right in front of his mom? And Hero? He glanced at them before turning back. Why now? Did Basil know he was thinking about him? He felt his face get warmer.

"Kel, are you gonna be okay? I mean, food..."Ah. Right. Kel pulled back. Idiot. Of course he wouldn't kiss you. He was disgusting for even thinking that. No one would want to touch him.

Wait, but Basil cuddled with him last night- maybe Basil would be okay with him. He decided it. Basil was allowed. It would take time, but it would be better once Kel lost some weight. He'd be more comfortable with Basil seeing and touching him once they did, even for the simple stuff, like hugs. His face was way too round, always had been, so it would be better for Basil if it was more defined when they finally did. His first kiss. Wow... how would it be? Where? When? Would Basil make the first move? Night? Day? At school? He imagined Basil’s cold fingers making him shiver as he ran them across his jawline. Romantic. Well, it wouldn’t technically be his first, since his mom used to when she'd put him to bed as a kid, and some of his random aunts would give him a kiss on the cheek when they'd visit them down in Louisiana. He shook his head a bit, pinching his cheek to get himself out of that. One day was too fast for them to be doing that stuff. It took Hero and Mari like 5 months before they finally kissed, so-

The car stopped for longer than usual. Kel looked up.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit...

They were here.

Kel pulled his hand away from Basil, looking at the building. He didn't want to do this. He should have just stayed home, say he felt sick, and asked for them to bring something back. That way he could have lied, and pretended he ate it. This was a horrible decision. He heard seatbelts unbuckle as he rubbed his hands together, looking down between his thighs. He hated them, too. He hated everything. Everyone. His brother. His dad. His mom. His friends. All of them were selfish bastards. Kel being the most selfish of them all. And Kel was about to take more; take away money, time, and food from people that needed it more. He was going to waste it anyways. He gripped the seatbelt, pulling it away from his neck. It was still locked. He pulled it harder in rage. Why? Why was it like this? Why was he like this?

Kel jumped as the belt retracted, Basil looking at him through the door with his arm out, standing outside. He calmed down as Basil gave him a reassuring smile. So cute. He was still here. His eyes and smile stopped his thoughts as he opened his own door, Basil closing the other side. Thank god. He still felt stupid. Why didn't he just do that? He let his emotions take him over, again. He heard Basil's footsteps next to him as he ran around the back of the car, feeling his hand brush against his, just a second too long to be on accident.

Kel opened his fingers, reaching out and touching back, but was disappointed when Basil didn't take his hand. He wanted to hold his hand. He loved how it felt when their fingers locked together for the first time yesterday. But, then again... Kel had seen the harassment that one openly gay boy had faced at the middle school. Maybe he could get some advice from him. Kel did see him at the park a few times. It would be a long time before they could do this stuff in public. Years, even.

Think about that.

Think about your boyfriend.

Don't think about what's about to happen.

Chapter Text

Kel trailed closely behind Basil, paying attention to the ground and his steps. He wanted to run, stay in the car, but it would end up worse if he did. He shouldn't cause a scene. Hero and his mom were at the door, waiting for the two of them to catch up. Kel hated being slow. He jogged up to Basil. It was harder than usual. He'd have to get used to this. Kel could already smell food from the inside. He was surprised when it made him feel nothing. Maybe he really could do this.

He stayed behind Basil, quiet, focusing on the way his hair brushed against his back as his mom talked to the hostess. All his energy was gone. He just wanted to sleep. Kel moved his eyes down to Basil's feet, zoning out as they got to their table. He glanced up for a moment at his mom and Hero standing. He could sense the building was empty other than the staff and their group, but he was still embarrassed. Hopefully they wouldn't try to talk to him too much.

He normally loved going out, swarming the older waitresses with sweet compliments about their hair and earrings when they were having crappy days. It was always fun for him, making others happy with carefully selected words, woven into a lace he'd adorn them with, along with his usual smile. It wasn't charming like Hero's, but he knew it came across as sweet and warm. Kel would just be seen as a creepy pervert, just trying to hit on old women, if he did it now. Also just wasn't feeling it. He needed to just shut up and get through this.

His mom and Hero sat on one side of the booth they were stuck in, close to the entrance, Hero in the window seat. His mom always liked being able to get up fast in case she got a call, or had to go to the bathroom, or wanted to complain about something. Before, it was so she could leave and smoke while they waited for their food, but she quit a few years ago. Kel was really happy about it, even if she got a lot more irritable afterwards.

Kel moved quick to get the other window seat before Basil, trying and failing to sit softly as he slid over quietly. He often didn't want it to seem like his body even had weight, in the same way he'd tend to walk on the front part of his feet on hardwood floors just in case he was too loud. Kel didn't want himself to seem loud, large, or obnoxious at all, except by his voice. He wanted to be graceful, but loud and powerful when he wanted to. Like Mari. She was one of the most ruthless softball players Faraway high school had ever seen, and she would still smile and wave after chewing out a referee on a ruling her team didn't agree with.

He really misses her.

Time would go by faster if he had something to look at. The building was along one of the freeways running through town, so his view was the parking lot near an outlet mall. Whatever. Better than nothing. There were a couple bushes and flowers as decoration on the edge of the sidewalk. Kel's eyes widened at one of the flowers.

Lily of the valley.

That was Mari's flower.

He frowned at it as Basil sat next to him. Ignore it. Hero and his mom were already focused on the menus. He'd have to pick something. Kel hesitantly read the first page over. Eggs and breakfast. 90% of it was carbs. He liked carbs, obviously, everyone did. They were easy to eat and made him feel good, with how he'd almost always binge on sandwiches, but he knew how carbs worked. Processed the exact same as sugar, and there was usually more sugar dumped on top of it with breakfast foods. He didn't want any of this. It was all garbage. There was no way he'd be decisive enough to pick something properly. He flipped to the next page.

"Do you know what you want to drink, Kel?" Hero. Obviously he wanted water. Just water. It was enough. It made him feel better earlier. Hero was just trying to get a reaction out of him, just to study him more. He looked up at his eyes, pretending to think about it. They were warm and reassuring, but Kel knew better. He'd have to get something else other than water. He was not going to let him have any hints. He'd have to see Kel puke again for his "proof". Maybe he could just drink some coffee and that would be enough. Orange Joe had a lot of caffeine, sugar, and of course, calories. He usually drank at least one can a day, sometimes more, just because it kept him going, and normal coffee wasn't good unless it was half sugar and creamer. Sugar was bad for him. He was glad he didn't like sweet stuff as much as most people. Well, he could use that fake sugar his mom preferred for some reason. She insisted it tasted different but Kel could never tell. He also was going to throw it up, regardless.

"Um, I don't know. Coffee? Water, too." Kel leaned forwards on the table. He felt sick. There was a new twisting pain in his stomach that wasn't there before, accompanying new dizziness and shaky fingers. He knew he was hungry. He knew why his body was like this. Just a bit longer, and he could make it shut up. Basil poked his arm as the waitress came back. Kel didn't pay attention to her. He didn't care.

"W-what are you gonna do?" Kel kept his focus on the table. He didn't know. He knew nothing. Idiot.

"I don't know." Kel buried his head in his arms on the table. If he didn't take a bit to calm down he'd start crying. Again. He glanced at the menu with just enough light from a gap in his arms to see. How was that even possible? A sandwich that was 1200 calories? He had to admit that it looked good, though. He ignored it, reading down. 1000. 860. Still too much. 600. Better. He stopped. That was perfect. Grilled chicken, broccoli, and mashed potatoes. 480 calories. Maybe he could get away with eating just a little bit of the potatoes. Throwing up yesterday was painful, since it was so dry. He'd have to drink a lot of water. But he'd eat it. He had to. The dizziness was getting worse. He wasn't even paying attention anymore, too focused on the number. 480. That was enough, right? It wasn't as much as he had been having, and even though he'd been starving, he didn't really have an appetite. He should actually eat it, without erasing it after. Passing out, especially in public, would be bad.

"Kel? You good?" He felt Hero poke his arm as he sat up, sighing. Maybe he could let loose a bit.

"Not really. Definitely been better. I'm really tired, and I don't feel too good." He felt them looking again as he forced himself to look out the window. Kel wished they would spare their sympathy. He didn't want people to feel bad for him, especially not his family that didn't give a shit about him before now.

"Yeah, yesterday was a bit hectic." Hero was fidgeting with his straw wrapper, rolling it around in his fingers. Kel didn't even notice their drinks got here. He brought the water over, taking a small sip. It felt like static. Just how out of it was he? He didn't like this. What if something happened while he spaced out? He rubbed his ankle with his foot. Stop that. Stop thinking so much. You're doing it right now. Stop. He looked back at Basil. He was looking around a bit aimlessly as well. Neither of them were there. They were stuck in their heads. Something needed to change. Kel wanted to try something with his mom. Leave a hint. He didn't like how Hero was acting towards him, but he wanted to let her know the reality of it. How hard he was trying. He wasn't a failure.

"What are you gonna get?" He looked at her, squinting at the menu. He hated how hoarse his voice was. He drank more of the water. It was cold, and hurt his stomach, but he needed to get it ready for later.

"This burger looks good. I hope they don't put some weird sauce on it or something though. They did last time even though I told them not to. Do these people ever listen?" Kel squinted at her a bit before turning to Hero. Of course she'd complain about something. He was looking at him in that weird way again.

"Gotta get my favorite sandwich, haha..." He moved his hair around a bit before flicking it up and flashing his signature smile, it quickly turning back into his worry from before. This was so awkward, for all of them. Basil looked at Kel and Kel looked back. It was like when they'd be the only ones in a class and they'd need to do a partnered assignment, they would instantly look and knew they were a pair. They didn't say anything, they knew what was going on with the other.

Basil slid the menu and pointed, looking up at Kel for approval. He assumed that Basil was trying to let him copy. It was that 600 calorie thing. Kel smiled a bit. He was doing better than Basil already, and he knew Basil wouldn't get rid of it after. He wasn't necessarily a coward, Kel knew that. Cutting must take a lot of balls to do since it hurt so much. But Basil wasn't as dedicated, as determined, as himself. Kel wanted it. Basil wasn't trying to starve himself. Kel was. He'd be skinny in no time.

"I'm gonna get this thing." Kel slid it out from under his arms and let them see, pointing at the paper with a cocky smile. "Basketball requires being fast, and I think I need to lose a bit of weight for it. I'm gonna try to get some information on it at school tomorrow." He was winning. He'd be the skinniest between his four family members. Hero was perfect, with his stupid morning jogs, even if he stopped for awhile. His mom was a bit overweight, but that's because she'd had kids and worked a lot, so she needed the food to work. His dad at least had muscle under everything, since he did a lot of physical work. He wouldn't be the fat one. He refused.

"Good."

Kel's smile immediately dropped as he looked up at her, stirring her coffee with a bored expression. She made brief eye contact before looking away again.

"Well, I mean, you have been getting bigger recently."

His eyes opened wide. Mom. No. God, no. Why? Why would she say that? There was no way she could just say that and have no idea how much it would hurt him. She wasn't even looking at him. She never looked at him; never paid attention. Kel did gain weight, didn't he? He wasn't imagining it. He wasn't exaggerating it in his head. He knew it. His hands moved to his thighs, squeezing. That must be why she said that. He was still so mad. He'd tried so hard. Why couldn't he just get that reward? Just a taste of it? Just a bit of what it's like to be skinny?

"Why... why would you say that?" He felt his hands trembling. He brought them into fists.

"I mean, it's true, isn't it? You're getting older. It happens." The words hurt. He wanted to throw up, he wanted to puke. His mom knew nothing. Kel hated that most of all. There were so many signs that something was wrong, and she was just... going about her day. Like nothing happened.

"You... you don't know anything about me, do you?" He dug his nails into his hand as deep as he could, which wasn't much with how much he bit them. They were right where his teeth were last night. How dense could she be? Kel thought his dad was ignorant, but this was whole new level. He knew he had to look miserable, tired, and awful. Could she not feel that? See that?

"Kel, of course I do. It was just a little joke. Stop being dramatic." He took a deep breath. Maybe he should. Arguing in public wasn't the best idea for any of them. He needed to calm down somewhere else. He'd keep fighting with her otherwise. Kel nudged Basil to move out the way. Basil looked at him with worry. The same as Hero. He didn't want that.

"I'm going to the bathroom, Basil. Please move." Kel looked down at the seat. He could see a new cut on his thigh, just low enough to be visible under the hem of the shorts. Whatever. He didn't have the knife anymore, at least not with him. He'd talk about it with him later. He needed to get out of here. Basil started to move, but stopped, just at the edge.

"Move." Basil shook his head.

"Didn't you say w-we needed to deal with this?" I don't w-want... that... to happen again." He whispered it. Kel felt the anger rising in him. He needed to run. Basil was in the way.

"Basil, maybe you should-" Shut up, Hero. Kel started to gently push him, barely enough to prompt him to move out the booth and stand up. He was still blocking the way out. Kel's arms were shaking. He didn't want to force this. He just wanted leave. He needed to escape. He needed to calm down.

"Um... I-" Kel pushed harder for a second against Basil's stomach, making him stumble back. Even through the brief contact, he felt his hip bones. The force burned his arms. Why was he so weak? He was free to go, though. He moved out, running to the bathroom at the back of the building. He knocked on the door before hurrying inside. It was multiple stalls, but no one was inside. He avoided the mirror. He couldn't deal with it right now. Kel went into the larger handicapped stall at the end, locking it before he began hyperventilating against the wall. It was gross inside, like all public bathrooms tended to be, but it was better than being out there. Racing insults at himself ran through his mind. It slowed a bit when he brought his knees to his chest.

No matter what he did, it was never enough for her. His mom, or Mari.

How skinny did he need to be? Was there a number? When would it be enough? When would she care? He didn't know. But right now, he wasn't even close. Kel brought his hand under his shirt again, feeling. His ribs were still there, but he had to push his hand in to feel them. That small bit of squishiness was back on his stomach, too. For awhile it was gone when he sat like this. He always checked while standing or laying flat. He knew it. He was just lying to himself again, lying to himself that he wasn't gaining weight, that it was just his brain saying that stuff, but he felt it. Yesterday on Basil's couch, too. He did. He needed to look.

Kel forced himself back up, despite how his legs shook under him. He took a deep breath before walking out and looking in the mirror. He immediately thought it when his eyes met his own reflection. You look like shit. The crappy lighting didn't help. He touched the skin under his eyes. Puffy. He looked exhausted. And sad. Well, he was sad, but it was so obvious it even surprised him. Kel had no idea how his mom could say that. He took a bit to look at himself. He squished his cheeks. Why was his face so round? Why were his ears so big? He hated it. Maybe growing out his hair would hide it a bit. It worked for Basil. But that part of himself was less important. He needed to see something else. He hesitated, stepping back.

He lifted up his shirt.

Chapter Text

Panic immediately set in. He was the exact same. Nothing changed since Friday. He turned to the side. The area where his ribs were looked the same. Nothing changed. He still could only connect his middle finger and his thumb around his wrist, the others wouldn't reach. Nothing changed. Kel poked and prodded at himself. The more he looked at the shapes and details of various parts of himself, the more he wanted to cry. Seeing the part of his stomach and his sides slightly sticking over the waistband of his shorts was enough to make him nauseous again. He forced himself to walk away from the mirror, letting his shirt fall. He really ignored it before, just because he could see some muscle under his chest and on his arms? It wasn't enough. He wasn't enough. When would it go away? When would this go away? These thoughts? Why couldn't he just accept himself? Why couldn't he just be normal, for once?

Kel jumped up out of his thoughts at the sound of a gentle knock. He quickly stuck his hands under the faucet, the water automatically turning on, rubbing them together and pretending to wash them. He glanced up in the mirror as it opened. It was Basil. He waited for the door to close before he looked up at him in the mirror.

"What?" He shook the water off, wiping the rest on his shorts. He frowned when his hands touched his thighs, feeling the small bit of squishiness, but he forced himself back to neutral. He was having to do that a lot recently; hiding his emotions, and he knew it would only get worse as he'd have to cover up his behavior. Basil leaned back against the door with a soft thud. Everything about him was quiet. His voice, his steps, his personality, his movements. Why couldn't Kel be like that?

"Kel, that was a-awful. What she said. I'm mad, too. But... I'm worried. About... you. You... we said we w-were gonna get better. Did... do you even mean that?" Kel took a deep breath, leaning on his hands, looking down into the basin of the sink. There was a small crack near the drain he focused on. He always did that; remembering details. Even if he tended to pretend he was stupid, pretend he didn't remember. Because without being silly, stupid, and forgetful, who was he? Just a sad, dramatic teenager, with self esteem issues. Basil didn't understand that.

"No. I don't think I did. I said it a bit, didn't I? In the grass? If this is what helps us, makes us feel better, why should we stop? We're doomed. We're not going to get better. No one can help us. No one will help us." Lies. Liar, liar, liar. Hero would. Kel was just too scared. He didn't want to have to work, didn't want to try. He wanted to give up.

"Kel, no. We... Sunny... he might come back. We need to b-be okay, for when he does." Kel gripped at his hair, leaning on his elbows. This was so stressful. He wanted to go home.

"Do you honestly think that? That he will? I've tried so hard, Basil. Knocking and knocking. Calling. He never picks up. Obviously, something isn't good enough about us if he's ignoring us like this. Sunny's the baby. I'm the second oldest, now. I need to deal with this. I want you to do it with me, if you can. You're the third. Hero's just trying to find a test subject, and you know about Aubrey, and... my parents, obviously, have no idea how much everything has taken a toll on us. O-on me..." His body was getting heavier. Kel felt his heart racing. He needed to shut up. He needed to keep this inside himself. He looked in the mirror, standing up straight. Smile. Smile and pretend. It's okay. You're okay. He could blink the tears away. It was working, just a little bit.

"K-Kel, you... that's not true... you're mom, I'm sure she just missed something-" Kel shook his head.

"It is true. You weren't there. Me and Hero, we... the fighting..." He took a deep breath again. He didn't want to think about that. Basil didn't need to know that. He looked at himself, again. The way his shirt was clinging to his hips, the small hint of a bump above his waistband. His face, round. His hands, short and chubby. His body didn't feel like his. This wasn't him.

He was supposed to be Kel, the energetic little kid who never stopped no matter what happened. Kel, the sun of his friend group, making everyone laugh when things got awkward or serious. Kel, the aspiring basketball player, the one kid in Faraway who would defy the odds and try his best. Kel, the... the kid who always wore orange, just like his favorite drink, Orange Joe. Kel, always going, always smiling, always happy. Kel, brother of Hero- Henry Herrera. Kel, son of Natalia and Randal Herrera. Kel, 14 years old. Kel, full name Kelsey, born 11/11/1984. Kel, 5'3. Kel, 123 pounds.

He was barely any of those things anymore.

Especially not the last two.

Basil was still silent. Kel needed to emphasize this. He didn't want to get over this. It was up to Basil if he wanted to join him or not.

"My parents don't care about me. You know? How I talked about how I binge eat? It's me, it's my fault, I know that, but... there's never any food in the house. It's all crappy leftovers. They usually go bad before I can eat them. It's too hard, even just heating it back up. Everything is too hard. The only thing I know how to do is..." hate myself "...is lie to myself." He was lying to Basil, too. He binged because he didn't know what else to do. It was the only thing that would make him happy, even if it only lasted for a few minutes. He needed to find something else. He needed to look better. That would give him some confidence.

"They do, Kel. T-they just don't know anything. You need to, well, talk to them, if you want them to know." Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up- Basil didn't know anything either, it seemed. Kel hadn't even lost any weight yet. Hopefully his binges would stop, since he wasn't focused on food anymore; at least, with eating it. But there was something wrong with him. He needed to fix himself, and it wasn't an exaggeration. If he fucked up, he could just throw up. He knew how to do it now.

He'd ignored how he looked, but he felt it a little bit, too. He couldn't see, since he wasn't too flexible, but Kel could feel the indentations of stretch marks under his fingers in a hard-to-reach spot on his back earlier. It was already happening; the binges were catching up. He didn't want to get out of control, and end up being one of those people he'd seen on tv, being yet another example of what was wrong with his country; gross, fat, greedy, and disgusting. He could be thin, successful, and happy, instead. He had to do this. Why did no one believe in him? Basil wasn't any better than him. He wanted Basil to do this too. Be horrible, like him. Fall, like him. Suffer, like him.

"Basil. You're a hypocrite. I saw your leg. You really think I didn't notice? You're not changing, either. Only me and your grandma know you're doing this, and you just told us. Sunny too, I guess, but he's not even here. What's the point in getting better? In anything? You like cutting, don't you? I like eating, but I need to stop doing it in the way I have been. I need to lose weight. I need to starve myself, or throw up when I do binge. It’s the only way. Normal dieting doesn’t work. Why can't we just do what we want, and be happy? Why can't we be selfish?" Why couldn’t he just eat what he wanted? Kel wanted things to get better, deep down. He just wanted to be a bit thinner before he'd get his friends back together. Kel just wanted to be better for them, and for him, being thin enough was part of what he needed. He knew that. He'd felt that way for years.

"Kel... stop...."

Kel turned to face Basil. They were both crying. Kel didn't even know when he started.

"What happened to us was fucked up. You know that. Especially for Sunny. But no, we're just expected to go back to school, like everything is normal. Like we're okay. We're not." Kel stepped closer, putting his hand on Basil's shoulder. He could feel the bone. Kel couldn't feel that with himself. He wanted that, too.

"So if this is what we have to do, why not do it together? I love you. It's hard for me to say things like that. I get embarrassed and scared, but you really make me happy. I like being around you. I love you, Basil." He forced a smile, moving his other hand to Basil's other shoulder. Basil was frozen, staring at the floor in confusion. Kel could feel he was scared. He had to reassure him; that this was the right thing to do. He had no one else to compete with; Hero wouldn't let him do what he wanted to do. It was obvious with that notebook. He’d stop him. No one else would let him do this. He needed it to be Basil.

Basil being with him would solve a lot of the fears that Kel had; he'd have the ability to talk with him about everything, without feeling ashamed, without being scared of him telling. He was a way to vent. Basil and Sunny were like that, right? He'd also be able to compare the changes he'd go through as he got closer to being a normal weight. Most of all, Basil was someone he knew. Those fake friends he made at school last year weren't the same. He wouldn’t have to make new friends if he was there. Those people didn't like anything; they just did their work and lived normally. Kel was passionate about sports and doing his best. But Basil was too, even more than Kel. Basil loved so many things; taking photos, art, cleaning, reading, and most of all, plants. Basil was his best friend, at least, that was what Kel considered him in the past year, since Sunny was gone. But now, he was his boyfriend. They'd need to support each other.

Hero didn't see anything with Mari.

He wouldn't let that happen with Basil.

Basil needed him, too.

"Mari must have let her problems go too far, without talking about them, and they overwhelmed her. That's why she killed herself. We can't have that happen again." Kel would have to deal with his thoughts before he got that far. If he hid them, he'd end up the same way. He'd just have to cope... in his own way. But he needed Basil. Basil would listen. Basil would do what he wanted.

"N-no... she... no."

He'd always been like that. A people pleaser. He was doing it even now, by trying to make Kel feel better by saying that wasn't the cause. It was. But Kel was the same way; he just did it with jokes and letting people be smarter than him. Basil did it by copying. It was Sunny before. The knife, his mannerisms that escalated after Mari was gone, and his clothes proved it. Basil always wanted Sunny's attention. He'd have to make Basil the same way towards him. He already felt that was possible, seeing him in his hoodie. Kel would have to try really, really hard to catch up, though. Basil was way thinner. It would take a lot for them to be the same.

"You won't leave me. I know you won't. So, join me. Do this with me. Is there something I need to do first? To prove it? Prove that I love you? I’ll give you anything you need. We're together now, remember? I need you to stay with me. I need you to do this with me. I'll do anything for that." Basil shook his head, pulling Kel's hands off his shoulders softly. His hands were so cold. Kel liked how they felt, gentle, on his wrists. He pulled them away.

"K-Kel, you're... scaring m-me..." Basil looked up at him, teary. Kel could swear his eyes were almost glowing in the dim light of the bathroom. So bright, so pretty. Just like the ocean. He backed up to the counter, leaning against it. He did go too far. Kel knew that. But, it felt good to get it out. He never talked to anyone without a mask of happiness on. He hadn't since Mari died. She just knew everything he needed, somehow. Kel didn't need to act like everything that was going on was suddenly new, at least with Basil. He'd been like this for awhile, at least since middle school started. He ate a lot before that, but the guilt hadn't been there until he'd see the unfamiliar kids from the next town over; doing better, and looking better, than himself.

Mari helped him deal with the guilt and comparison, but she couldn't do that for him anymore. He'd need to help himself. He wanted to keep comparing, just until he was that way. He didn’t have a number, but Kel would know when he’d be thin enough. He didn’t need that number. Just a calorie and step limit would be good. Kel forced himself to shake his thoughts away. Spiraling was bad, especially now. He needed to talk to Basil.

"I'm sorry. I went too far. I just... I don't want to be alone anymore. But I need to lose weight. It's not an exaggeration, and it's not just me freaking out, like Hero thinks. Look." Kel took a deep breath, turning around and pulling up his shirt again, just below his chest. He poked at the soft part of his side.

"See? Fat. I hate it. This, too." He pulled it up higher, trying to point where the marks he couldn't see were. They were right in the one spot he could never reach or twist his head far enough see in the mirror, right in the middle. How inconvenient. Staring at them would be a good motivator for himself. Maybe Basil could take a picture- wait, no. People could see that. Hero could see that. He had to hide it. He knew that.

"It's catching up. I need to stop. But I can't do it by myself." Kel dropped the shirt, turning to face him. He kept his eyes to the floor. That was nerve-wracking, but Basil showed him his scars a few times now. He'd have to get over being so embarrassed, at least with him. He was pissed about the marks. He couldn’t believe he let that happen. They were basically scars. His mom had some of them on her stomach, still, from when she was pregnant. They would never go away. Fade, maybe, but they were permanent. That made him like Basil, with his cuts. But he didn't want more of them; at all. He had to stop this before it got worse.

"I... I understand. I'm... sorry. I'll try to stay with you. I was going to, r-regardless, but... I wanted to get better. I changed my mind. You’re right. I... we are hopeless. I like doing it. But we're here for each o-other. I’ll help you. Help me, too." Kel smiled, for real. Basil understood. He walked back over. Kel crouched down a little bit. He was a lot taller than Basil now. He didn't want to be scary. He wanted to be warm and cozy, but at the same time he wanted to be muscular and strong, and he also wanted to be thin and light. He wanted to be and try everything. And Basil would let him. He’d been both a normal weight and overweight in the past year. Underweight was next on the list. He could do this. Kel was excited. He’d get to feel that way in just a few weeks. It would be hard. But he could do get there. Before the recital date, hopefully.

"Thank you. Thank you, so much. Again, I'm sorry I took so long to talk to you. I was scared. No one knew any of this. But enough about me, how’s your stomach? Do any of the new ones need to be treated?" Basil shook his head.

"I'm okay. The big one is healing. I cleaned up the others and put a bandaid on them this time. But.. c-can I have a hug?" Kel smiled wider. It didn't feel good, despite being what he wanted. Maybe he just wasn't used to it anymore. He’d been sad for a long time, even if he said he wasn’t.

"Of course!" He jumped a bit as Basil hurried over squeezed his arms tightly around his waist. Kel was surprised he was so strong; it even hurt a little bit. He hugged back as Basil loosened up, crouching down further. Basil really hadn't grown at all, had he? He was just up to Kel's chest when he stood up all the way. Kel didn't mind; they fit together well when they cuddled last night.

"I'll miss your squishiness a bit. You're comfortable." Kel snorted at that.

"I won't. It'll be a lot better when I'm a buff hunk, am I right?" Kel didn’t want that. He wanted to be like Basil. But he’d have to ease him into this. Basil laughed back, burying his face in Kel's chest.

"Maybe."

Chapter Text

Kel and Basil stayed connected for a few moments before the door opened a bit. Basil quickly stepped back, but Kel stayed in place. The hug was comfortable. It was one of the only good things he'd had today. And it would get worse before it got better; before he could start. Hero walked in, looking at Kel.

"Hey. I'm sorry she said that. It'll be okay. She just... I don't know. I don't know why she said that. You know... how she is. But, it'll be okay. I'm just... worried. About both of you. But we can't talk about it here. About... you know..." Hero ran his hand through his hair, glancing at Basil before looking back at Kel. Kel gave him an annoyed look. He didn't need his sympathy. He wasn't there for him for nearly a year. He understood why, but he was still mad about it. Kel didn't want him to help. He hadn’t before. He'd made up his mind. Basil, too.

"Well, anyways, our food is here. I know you don't want to, but you really need to eat something, Kel. I got what you asked for. If you go too long without eating, you can pass out. Don't make it a habit. It almost happened a couple times with me, while I was... stuck in bed. It'll be okay." He put his hand on Kel's shoulder. He tried to shrug Hero off a bit, but his hand was firm on him.

"If you really want to lose some weight, let me help you. I don't want you to hurt yourself. You're giving me that impression, and I don't like it. I want you to be healthy and happy." A wave of guilt shot through Kel's body. He needed that. But he made up his mind. Maybe he could take some advice, but he wasn't going to let Hero know his plans. His image of him would be ruined. He needed to stay as the sweet, idiot, loving little brother he always had been. He'd be sad outwardly for a bit, then put the mask back on. If he let lose around Basil, he could relax. Hopefully he could keep it a secret as well.

"O-okay. Thanks, bro." He forced a weak smile. Hero smiled back cheerily, glancing between him and Basil.

"Group hug? Please?" Kel felt himself blush.

"You're so embarrassing."

Hero raised his eyebrows, waiting, putting his arms out with a little cheesy smile. Kel sighed through his nose.

"Fine." Basil came over first and Kel slowly slid in next to him. His hand ran across Basil's back as Hero wrapped around both of them. He felt Basil’s boney shoulder blades at the same time he felt the muscles in Hero's back, as Hero squeezed both of them together tightly. Kel was so angry that he managed to stay mostly in shape with such a minimal amount of exercise. Why was it so easy, for both of them? He'd just have to make it easy. And today was the start.

"Alright. Let's go."

-

Kel glanced out of the door nervously as Hero and Basil went in front of him. He didn't want to be around his mom. But he needed some food. Both of them were right about that. He didn't want to pass out somewhere weird, and a Shari's bathroom floor was absolutely not where he wanted it to happen. There were some people in the booth behind theirs. That was a relief. No more fighting in public. His mom was still in the same spot, but moved to stand as Hero got back and slid in. Basil waited nearby for Kel. He walked over, looking at the floor in embarrassment, sliding back into the booth.

"Done freaking out?" Kel nodded. He was still mad, but mostly just disappointed. But it was the push he needed. He wouldn't be like her.

"Yeah. Sorry, Mom." Kel heard some clanking as she was dealing with cutting her burger in half. He didn't know why she did that. She had a bunch of picky and oddly specific food habits he didn't understand. Hero and himself had some too, now that he though about it. He looked at Hero now, cutting his sandwich at a diagonal in the middle. They both did that. The other main thing was their hatred for specific foods. For Kel it was mainly pickles and milk. Kel liked cutting his sandwiches triangles, but it only worked with sliced bread. He also didn't have a burger, which he would usually get. Kel really liked burgers. Don't think about burgers. He sat up straighter, glancing at Basil for a moment. Apparently that thing he got was a salad, covered in strawberries and grilled tofu.

"Still like strawberries, huh? That cake Hero made was pretty good." Basil smiled a little bit, nodding. Kel didn't want to focus on what was in front of him. He unwrapped the silverware carefully. His main weird food habit, other than food and specific ways to layer sauces on his binge sandwiches, was with silverware, specifically forks. He always looked at the handle beforehand. This one was square and smooth, with a little chip on the top. He'd use the fork, always, regardless of how it looked, but he always had to check. He didn't know why, and it didn't really matter, but he just had to.

He stabbed the fork into a piece of broccoli. It was cooked in the exact way Kel like it. He could tell just from the pressure it took for the fork to pierce the outer layer of the stem, along with the color. He hesitantly brought it to his mouth. It tasted good, despite the lack of any seasoning. He didn't want it to be good. He wanted food to be disgusting, so he wouldn't have any urge to eat. The desire went away while he was in the bathroom. But he had to eat this. This was the worst. He chewed a couple times and swallowed it. Just the small piece of broccoli hurt his throat and felt like a rock in his stomach. He pushed the fork into the chicken. It was tender and juicy, slicing easily with just the edge of the fork. He looked at the handle again.

"This is a very good fork. 9 out of 10.” Hero chuckled a little bit. Kel was sure it was just a sympathy laugh, but it made him smile a bit. He put the chicken in his mouth, making a small squeak of happiness in his throat as it touched his tongue. He was surprised it tasted so good, especially since it was so low in calories. Maybe he could still eat a bit, just so he wouldn't get dizzy or pass out.

He'd have to change a lot of things, but he'd always felt like he wasn't actually dieting unless he was eating a plain-ass salad for every meal. Maybe he'd be fine if he just stuck to a calorie limit. The amount to stay at a normal weight was supposed to be 2000, right? That's what the nutrition labels on his snacks always said. Kel always failed to keep under that number, especially with his binges, and that's why he was getting fat. He had to make it lower. How much lower? Basil could help. Looking at him motivated him to keep his promise of wanting to lose weight. He'd always given up really quickly. But it was different this time. Someone was here. He wasn't alone anymore.

Kel nudged Basil's foot with his own, hearing his salad crunch in his mouth. Basil glanced before he nudged back, and Kel crossed his leg over his. Just the small bit of touch made Kel feel better. He saw Basil blush a little bit. He'd do better. But this was a requirement. He couldn't do it alone anymore.

Kel ate the rest of his food quickly, in silence. He wanted to hate it. He couldn't. He immediately felt better. Even just the small meal made Kel pretty full. Not eating did have a benefit other than weight loss, after all, he thought. He drank the rest of his water after and sighed, leaning into the corner of the booth.

"Feel better?" Kel gave Hero a thumbs up, smiling.

"Yeah."

-

The drive back was quiet, like before, but Kel found a new comfort in having the ordeal over. He decided he wouldn't throw this up. It wasn't that much, anyways. He'd need to do some research at the library to plan properly, but he was full enough, so he told himself he wouldn’t eat again until breakfast tomorrow. The school breakfast sucked yesterday. Maybe Hero would make something. Man, Hero’s breakfast was always good. Crispy bacon, fluffy eggs, soft pancakes... stop. Basil was still with them. Would he stay over again? He didn't want him to leave; at all. Kel didn't know how it would go.

"Basil? I was wondering... I know you're grandma is getting up there in age, but... I'm a bit worried. You're not in good shape. Do you want to get a haircut? You too, Kel." Kel glared at the reflection of his mom in the window of the car. His hair was fine. Basil muttered a few words out of nervousness before grabbing a strand, looking at it.

"W-well, yeah... it was pretty tangled but Kel helped me brush it out yesterday. Are you sure?” She nodded. Kel's hand moved to his own hair. It was getting close to his shoulders when he pulled it out all the way.

"I'm good. I kind of want to grow it out, too." Hero laughed a bit.

"You're gonna have to put it up for basketball. It'll get in your face if you don't." Kel twirled the strand in his fingers. He was looking up at the hospital again as they drove by. He'd need to weigh himself soon. He was still scared.

"I don't know if I want to do basketball anymore. It... I'm not good enough." He put his hand on his stomach, poking. Just that meal was enough to cover up his abs again. Maybe he shouldn’t of eaten.

"Kel, that's nonsense. You need to do something to keep on track. Your grades were pretty bad last year. Hero's gonna have to study hard to get into med school early, especially since he was out for so long. Why can't you try like him?" Kel tilted his head a bit, looking at Hero's shoulder.

"What do you mean, 'early'?"

"I told you. Don’t you ever pay attention? He's going at the end of the year."

Chapter Text

Kel immediately had to fight the urge to throw up, despite having so little in his stomach. Hero was leaving? In just a couple months? But, he needed his brother. He needed his hugs, his cooking, his warm smile, his advice... But mostly, Kel just needed his presence. He was a safety net. If he got too low, too sad, Hero would help him. Who else would help him? His parents wouldn't. Everyone was gone. Hero needed to stay.

...

No. Kel knew better. Basil was here. It would be okay.

"I see. Well, you can do it, bro! You're super smart. I believe in you." He saw Hero smile in the mirror.

"And you're the same way, Kel! Don't discredit yourself. Faraway needs you on their team. You're fast, you pay attention, and you care deeply about everyone. Your teammates will need that. You'll make it, with or without me. I promise." Hero turned back.

"I'll also still be here for Christmas and New Years. We have plenty of time. It'll be fine." He stuck out a fist. Kel had to resist crying once again, making his hand into a fist, giving Hero a fist bump.

"Mhm!"

-

Kel stayed quiet for the rest of the day. There was one small improvement, being that his smile was back; for real, this time. He stayed adamant on keeping his hair long, but he sat next to Basil for support as the excess locks of blonde hair fell to the floor.

"How much is down there? Some of it is tickling my neck, hehe..." Kel saw Basil shifting his hands under the hair cape. Cute. Basil was always doing little fidgets with his hands. That was one of the many small things Kel really liked about him.

"Enough to make an entire wig. Wanna see?" Kel was already standing up, grabbing a long lock from the floor. Basil hummed a bit when he saw it.

"Dang. I almost wanna keep it as a reminder so I don't let it get that long again." Basil took it for a second, but Kel snatched it back.

"Too bad. I already took it. It's soft and reminds me of you. You can have it back later." He smiled proudly, petting it.

"Kel, that's weird. Don't keep my hair. I can give you something else if you want." Kel raised his eyebrows, dropping it hesitantly. It smelled nice. He heard his mom walk back from the bathroom, stealing his chair and opening up her phone. Hero was reading a book at the waiting area. Aw. Why couldn't she go back there? Kel was sitting there. He liked being by Basil, but standing by the hairdresser was weird. Well, standing probably burned more calories. He didn't wanna think about that. Make a joke. Laugh.

"Well, fine, then. Give me a break. This is my first relationship, after all."

Kel heard something plastic clatter behind him. He turned around.

"Your WHAT?"

It was her phone. She dropped it.

Shit. He said that. Shit, shit, shit-

"Heh... yeah... whoopsies."

"You. Me. Outside." Kel looked back at Basil. He looked ready to piss himself in fear, staring straight at himself in the mirror. Even the hairdresser was looking a bit shocked, but went back to combing through Basil’s hair, nervously.

"Okay, mom."

-

The silence was deafening. The afternoon summer heat was already making Kel sweat, just a few seconds in. It wasn't helped by the fear that his uptight, judgmental, bitch of a mother just found out he was dating his extremely mentally unstable childhood friend. He wasn't afraid. There was just... a pit in his stomach that wouldn't go away.

"Kel..."

"Mom."

"So..."

"Mhm."

"Gay."

"Maybe?"

To his surprise, she laughed.

"Oh my goodness! I knew something was up with you two. It seemed a lot more serious, so I was scared to bring it up, especially after the thing at lunch. But..." She snorted, looking into the parking lot.

"You really just let it slip out like that? You're so silly. I can't believe you're my kid. When my..." She laughed again. "When my sister found out I was dating a girl, I was so mortified. But... she didn't care, at all, and I got so scared talking to her, she thought something awful happened. The look on your face reminded me so much of myself, ah..."

Wait.

His mom? His mom? Dated a girl?

"W-when? What? You're gay? But, dad-"

"Oh no, Kel! I'm not, haha... I'm bisexual. That was way back when I was your age. You know I've been with your dad since we were both 19. I just... okay, I need to stop laughing." She took a deep breath.

"This is so embarrassing, oh my god..." Kel looked down at his feet, rubbing his eyebrows.

"But... in all seriousness, I support you. I just... I don't..." Her smile was gone.

"I don't think Basil is a good person for you to be with. I mean, I like him. He's sweet, he has a lot of hobbies, and he's organized. But... he seems kind of depressed. And unstable. Hero mentioned he had an anxiety attack earlier, and I know it's not the first time it's happened, either." That one was Kel's fault.

"Mom, Basil-"

"You know how Hero was. I don't want you to get like that. You tend to... take influence from people. Even earlier... the energy you were giving off was upsetting me. You seemed really sad, and stressed out. I don't want you to be unhappy. I'm always mad, grumpy, or tired. That's... kind of why I've been gone lately. I don't want to hurt you." She gripped the handle of her purse before setting it on the ground.

"I know that sounds bad. You know, I've always said it. I'll always support you. I just... I'm scared. When we’ve fought before, you usually bounce back the next day, but... you’ve been super quiet. It has to be Basil. Your brother just... I don't want you to go through what he did. It’ll be okay." What did that mean? Did she think Basil would kill himself too? Well, it wasn't unrealistic, but that's the reason she didn't approve of him? She put her arms out for a hug. It was supposed to be comforting, but Kel was furious. He stepped back as she came closer.

"No, Mom. You don't get to say those things, pretending to be caring and wholesome. You don't know what Basil's going and been through, or what I'm going through, even. He makes me really happy. He's helping me. He's not the problem..."

"You are. You're never home. I'm always alone. I hate being alone, so much. So if Basil is finally here for me, how is that a bad thing? Hero's gonna disappear soon, too. Just like Aubrey. Just like Sunny. I don't... I don't want to be alone anymore. I want someone to... take care of me, y'know? I always have to do that for everyone else. And Basil's finally doing that for me... so how is he a bad thing?" Sadness took over his anger. Tears dropped down onto the sidewalk, turning it brown.

"I know... all of that. I'm sorry I said that about him. Things are so messed up since... what happened. I don't know how to handle this stuff. My first instinct is to run away. I can't do that anymore. I'm sorry. You're my baby. My sweet, little, smiling, brilliant, always shining, baby boy. You’re gonna be moving out before I know it. I know I've been too distant. What do you need me to do for you? I don't want things to stay how they are." Kel sniffled looking up.

"Can we... go shopping? Like we used to? I'm... I'm sick of leftovers..." She smiled a little bit.

"Is it just about food? I thought it was... serious." Kel shook his head. It is serious. She couldn't understand that. But this would be the only way to get what he wanted.

"It is serious. I don't... I think... god dammit. It's scary to talk about this..." Kel took a deep breath. He couldn't look at her. He looked at the concrete where his tears fell.

"I've been... binge eating. Like, really bad, way late at night. I spend all my money on it. That's why I'm like... this right now. I'm sick of it. But... I've been doing it by myself. There's no excuse. It's my fault. I just... I need to go on a proper diet before I'll feel okay about myself. I hate myself..." He heard her take a deep breath.

"I knew something was up, especially with what I said earlier, and the bathroom. I was trying to make a joke to lighten the mood, since you weren't how you usually are. I know it was a stupid stretch. I'm pretty tone deaf. I didn’t really mean... I meant you were getting taller, mainly. I still shouldn't have joked about that. I got pissed when your father mentioned me gaining weight after I quit smoking. But... we can do something more if you need help. Do you need to go to therapy?" Kel shook his head.

"Nope. Not doing that. I just need to get the right things at the store, lose some weight, and I should be okay. I know what's wrong with me. If I need to talk, I have Basil. That stuff is expensive, and we need to save up for me and Hero's college. If I’m eating less, it costs less." Kel's mom nodded.

"I can give you an allowance for groceries if you'd prefer to do it yourself, but you can't just waste it on figures or buy a bunch of junk food then complain about not having anything. I know how much you like that Orange Joe stuff." Kel rolled his eyes.

"I won't. I'm serious. I need to change.” Kel put his hands into his pockets, looking at a beetle scurrying around near his foot. It calmed him down a bit.

"Well then, that’s that. We'll go after Basil is done. Speaking of Basil, one more thing." She put her hand on Kel's should, giving him a serious look. He looked back. Scary. What did he do wrong? Did he say something? Did she see his cuts? He heard the door jingle.

"If you two are ever gonna do anything, I have some condoms that you can-"

"MOM!" Kel slapped her hand away, turning red and walking to go back inside. Basil was probably thinking that he was gonna get beaten by her or something this whole time. He looked up and saw Hero through the door, holding his book with his thumb to keep the page bookmarked. He looked between them before coming all the way outside.

"Should... I know what's going on? Cause I don't..." Their mom picked up her purse.

"Oh, y'know-" Hero ignored her, going to Kel.

"Did she say something again? Do you want me to stand up for you? I don't want her to hurt your feelings again-" He whispered it, but Kel pushed him away slightly.

"No, she just... she knows about Basil now. And... the binge eating." He said it loud enough for her to hear. Kel rubbed at his arm.

"Oh, I see... good job on doing that. Do you feel better?" Kel felt himself frown. He didn't. He pushed it away, forcing the smile back.

"Yeah. It's hard to talk about. But, you're both here again, and now we can work on it. Com-muni-kay-shyon..." Kel knew that his mom would drop out of helping him quickly. She always made empty promises like that, like when she said she'd show up to his middle school games after he begged. She didn't after the first one. Hopefully, he could keep the grocery allowance. He did want to buy some better food, but mostly he wanted to get Basil a gift. Well, more accurately, he wanted something from Basil, but Kel didn't want to just get something one sided or ask for something from him. That would be selfish. He needed a reminder of why he was doing this. For himself, for Basil, and for Mari.

"Well, we should probably check on Basil. He's looked kinda... skiddish for awhile, but the hair lady won't let him escape, haha..." Kel perked up.

"Yeah! My... boyfriend!" He heard both of them chuckle a bit. He felt his smile come back, walking to the door. He could say that? Just like that? Boyfriend... Basil... dang. He was glad his mom was very supportive, even if she wasn't as much for his... problem. Hero, too. But what about school? That pretty kid that got beat up? He couldn't be like that in the open. Kel shook his thoughts away again, with his head. Need to tell Basil. Hero walked closer.

"Thinking about something?" Kel looked at him in the reflection of the window, seeing Basil with newly short hair glancing at him from the side as the hairdresser forced him to kept his head straight, with an expression that said "get the hell over here right now". He looked back. Be honest.

"I know you two are supportive, and I'm sure dad is too, but... what about at school? You know... what happened last year..." Hero ruffled his hair.

"If anyone ever bullies my little bro, I'll beat them up. Can't be a charmer to everyone." His mom leaned in.

"Henry, if you beat someone up, I swear I will make you go to Texas a month early-" Kel pushed the door open, hurrying over to Basil.

"KEL! I mean, Kel... what the hell just happened? Are we okay? Did your mom..."

"Don't worry about it. Everything will be okay."

Chapter Text

Kel explained to Basil simply the fact that his mom was fine with them and she knew just a little bit about Kel. Basil calmed down quickly, and had his haircut finished up without any other problems. Kel hesitated, but ultimately took the free lollipop they always gave out since Basil took one as well. He got orange, and Basil got root beer. Kel wanted his flavor, since he always ate orange flavored things, but it was already in his mouth when he decided to ask, and he decided immediately sharing food in that way was way too far at this stage in their relationship.

It couldn't be that bad for him, right? Just... sugar, color, and flavoring. There wasn't anything on the wrapper other than the flavor. 45 calories? No, he should overdo it just in case. 100. 580 total. Jeez. That climbed fast. He shouldn't go over a thousand. He pat the back of his Basil's head as they walked back to the car.

"It's so... spiky. It's so silly, you're like a little hedgehog. But you look like you again, which is good." Basil giggled a little bit.

"Yeah. I do still have the eyebags, though. I'm glad we're going to the store. I need to buy some stuff. I don't have too much money, but-" Kel's mom interrupted.

"Basil, I already told you, but we can pay for whatever you need. It's okay. Save it for your... second date." She winked with exaggeration before getting in the car. Kel cringed. Hero smiled before he got in the front seat.

"If you two wanna talk, go ahead. I'll distract her." Kel gave him a thumbs up and a goofy smile as the door shut. Perfect wingman.

"So, uh, real quick- I wanna do something. This is our first date, right? I just wanna do this in general, but I was thinking we should pick out a gift for each other? Just as, like, a reminder..." Kel was already blushing, scratching at his neck. Cheesy. He shouldn't of done this. Selfish. Already asking his boyfriend for things.

"Ooh! That sounds fun! I have a couple things I was thinking of getting you, anyways. Your birthday is coming up in a bit over a month. 15, huh?" Basil completely ignored the date in favor of his, but Kel didn't blame him. It was obvious Mari's death affected him more than he could even know, especially with how the mere mention of her launched him into a panic attack.

"Yep. I'm super old. Well, now I'll have to get you more than the one thing I had in mind. Let's just start simple. You can keep that hoodie. It's my favorite hoodie... cause I... love you, so much." He rubbed his hands together nervously. So cheesy, Jesus. Kel didn't think he'd be this lovey dovey in a relationship. He felt stupid. Well, when didn't he feel stupid? Still-

Basil was bouncing up and down excitedly, waiting and smiling at him. Kel smiled back at him.

"Let's go."

-

Target was always the perfect kind of place to just wander into and buy useless bullcrap. It was one of Kel's favorite places, mainly just because of the waft of popcorn and that specific shoe smell he couldn't quite describe would hit him right in his face as soon as he walked in. It always reminded him of when his dad would take him and Hero to pick out a new action figure, right after they got their elementary report cards back. It ended once Hero started middle school and their schedules changed. He missed that. He missed a lot of things. But at least Basil was with him.

"Okay, so, you're gonna get each other gifts? That's kind of cheesy... but it's cute! We'll get those first. Hopefully Kel gets you something good, Basil. He gets me the exact same thing every year for Christmas, and it's always fuzzy socks."

"But... you like fuzzy socks." She shushed him. He pouted a bit. Basil just giggled. Playful banter between them was something Kel loved. They were fighting a lot lately, in a serious manner, but everything was better now.

Except him.

Food? What could he get? He should still eat 3 meals a day. Well, maybe 2 was enough. What was considered low calorie? What did he like that were in calories? He knew a few things. Spinach, broccoli, chicken breast, and white rice came up when he thought of the word "healthy", along with the basic iceberg lettuce salad with carrots and tomatoes he'd seen on magazines. Maybe he could check the labels. He did sometimes when he got bored, but he'd only memorized the numbers of his binge food. Remembering all of this was gonna be hard, but he tended to remember things fairly well. Numbers weren't too hard. He could always estimate, too. It was fine.

Before Kel knew it, they were all walking towards the bright red and khaki colored building. He had the intense urge to hold Basil's hand, but he knew he couldn't do that. His family was accepting, but the world? Hell no. They were too old to be seen simply as friends holding hands. Maybe when they got far back into a hidden aisle, they could for a bit.

The smell hit Kel like a ton of bricks. He stopped at the entrance, near the carts, looking at the friendly welcome sign above them. He'd been into this exact store many times as a kid, knowing exactly what he wanted and where it was. Hero used to have to work his charm on their dad to let Kel get the slightly more expensive figure on occasion. He expected to be happy, but instead felt nostalgic, and sad, for the fact that he'd never get to experience that again.

"Yo, bro? You're spacing out again." Hero pat his back hard.

"Hey. Sorry. Do you remember when we'd walk over here with Dad after school, when we lived at our old house, and he'd let us get some action figures for our grades?" Hero tilted his head.

"Of course I do. You always forced me to beg so you could get the better ones because you couldn't do it yourself." Kel sighed through his nose.

"Do you think we'll ever experience that again? That innocence?" Hero pat his head.

"I don't know, but we're here right now. Gotta enjoy the moment. I know you've been dealing with some serious stuff, Kel, but keeping a positive attitude is important. We need to be happy that it happened. Some people don't get to experience anything with their parents." Hero motioned his head towards Basil, excitedly talking with their mom about the fake flowers on the discount rack. She looked confused, but happy, about how passionate he was.

"Yeah. You're right. It's just... hard. I still miss that. I miss our family being a family." Hero stayed steady, patting his shoulder.

"I do too. But, we still are one, right?" Kel shook his head.

"We need Sunny and Aubrey to be complete. I would say Mari too, but... you know. Obviously she didn't want to be a part of it." He looked at Hero's expression. It wasn't reassuring anymore. His eyebrows were furrowed and he looked bitter. Kel upset him. And that was a good thing. Because he wouldn't overthink what Kel was about to get.

-

Just walking past the aisles of snacks made Kel feel like a rabid dog, being held just out of reach of a perfect, juicy, delicious steak. He wasn't hungry, he already ate. But he still wanted it. He'd have to pick stuff out carefully to restrain himself. But that's not what they were doing right now. Why'd they have to be so close, though?

"Okay. I'll go with you, Kel. Hero, you go with Basil." The three boys nodded in unison near the electronic section. They went over to the area since it was empty, and therefor they would be less likely to bother other people with their shenanigans.

"I have to catch up with my work tonight, and it's getting late, so you'll have 5 minutes. Don't run into people, and try not to get more than 30 dollars worth of stuff, but get whatever you want. I don't care. I just... I want you three to have fun, yeah?" She smiled at them.

"Anyways, off with you two! We gotta go!" She pressed a button on her watch and it beeped. Basils eyes darted back and forth in confusion, trying to figure out where to go, before Hero grabbed his wrist and dragged him down the aisle. Kel looked up at his mom.

"Okay, so, we need to go back to the front." No, they didn't, but he was getting a decoy gift. More steps, too. There was no way in hell his mom would let him get what he wanted for Basil if she knew what it was.

"God dammit Kel- that's the opposite corner of the store. I was joking about the time limit, but I'm sure Hero will somehow know and come back here on time." Kel blinked at her with big eyes and a little smile, pleading.

"Remind me why I'm doing this for you?"

"You hwurt my feewings...” She flicked the center of his forehead. Kel whined a little, rubbing the area.

"Meanie."

"Hush. Alright, where are we going?"

Kel led the way.

-

"Basil, calm down, it's fine. It's not a big deal. We can just get an assistant or something." Worry. Worry, and fear. It was all Hero had felt for the last 48 hours. And now it was back. Basil was freaking out in the bathroom. He couldn't figure out where what he wanted was at, but Basil kept refusing to tell him what it was. He also kept trying to run away, so he had to block him in the hallway at the end of the stalls. Hero would be too slow to grab him if he got away. There was something else he needed to know, too.

"Basil. Come on. We need to talk."

"N-no! Kel needs me. I need to go. I need to get this stuff for him. He needs it. Why did your mom have to give us a time limit? I c-can't handle stress..." His hands went into the hoodie pocket, quickly. He slouched, gripping the fabric. Hero stepped back.

"It would help me if you told me what you wanted to get him. I don't want it to be dangerous." Basil stood up straight, pacing in the hall.

"Dangerous? It's not. But you're gonna get mad at us regardless, since that's just how you are. Can you let me through? Please?" Hero shook his head. Basil tried to slip past his side, but he was too slow, and Hero had long arms. He grabbed the fluffy part of the hood, pulling Basil back in front of him, trapping him between himself and the wall. The seam of the hood popped as he lifted Basil up by it. Whatever. But dang, he was really that light?

"Hey! That's Kel's! Don't rip it!" Basil tried to pull his fingers open, but of course, he was too weak. The fabric ripped a bit as he struggled. Hero groaned in annoyance, letting him go. He didn't want Kel to be mad about his favorite hoodie. Basil looked to the side, pretending to ignore him, before trying again, getting blocked by Hero's arm.

"Why?! Let me go!"

"I need to talk to you. Seriously. What in the hell are you carrying around a knife for? I noticed right after we got here, but I didn't say anything, since Kel's really stressed out and our mom would have caused a scene, but-" Hero stepped further back as Basil quickly pulled it out of the hoodie pocket. He looked at his reflection in the blade with a smile before his expression fell, pointing the tip towards Hero.

"You wanna know? You know already. Don't you remember? The beach? I thought you cherished every memory involving her. Good and bad. That's what you said, r-right? At the funeral?" Hero's eyes widened, stepping back again.

"What do you mean? Mari-" Basil darted under his arm, tucking his knife back into the front pocket as he ran out. Hero turned and reached to grab him, but Basil was already long gone. He blinked, jogging out of the bathroom. Crap. He saw Basil disappear around a corner. What was he about to do? Was Basil always like this? What happened? What was he talking about? Hero couldn't figure it out. What was going on between him and Kel? God. He had so many questions. He ran after him.

-

"A stuffed animal? Isn't Basil too old for those? It's kind of... girly, too." Kel shook his head, squeezing a white bunny plush with a pink bow on its neck. It squeaked like a dog toy.

"It's cute. He loves cute things!" Kel put it down before he raised his eyebrows, poking his cheeks with a grin.

"Well, he must also like soft things..." Kel scoffed. Seriously? All that heartfelt talking just for her to say that?

"Sorry. Too soon, I know. But it's sweet. Maybe you should get one for yourself too? They are pretty cheap." He shook his head, ignoring the comment. He needed to get Basil's real gift, still.

"Nah, it's okay. I need to get some extra school supplies anyways. I have that design class, remember? We're doing stuff with vinyl."

-

Hero ran through the aisles. What would Basil get? Where was he? Kel has an eating disorder. That's all Hero knew. He didn't know what it was or the extent of it. What would Basil find helpful for that? Basil was connected to this. He had to stop him before his mom saw it. If she saw him with a knife, they'd never be able to get their group back together. She already didn't like Basil. He knew that. He had to stop this entire thing before he could hurt Kel with whatever he was getting. Basil was best friends with Sunny. And what happened to Sunny? Of course. Kel was already having symptoms of depression. Hero knew that from comparing his own symptoms. Basil would drag him down further. He had just told Hero last night about the fact that he hadn't left his house all summer, just like Sunny. He wasn't gonna let that happen to all four of them.

Hero stopped for a moment near the clothes section to catch his breath. He lost sight of Basil. He was still pretty out of shape, only starting to run again in the mornings for a couple weeks. Being stressed the hell out didn't help with steadying his breathing, either. He ran his hands through his hair, gripping. He needed to think. What could it be? Diet pills? One of those fake magazines about weight loss? Some kind of trunk for him to hide food in? What-

Blonde hair, barely peaking over a shelf of t-shirts. Hero ran over.

"You-" Basil's head whipped around, pulling something stretchy and black off of a hanger, the hanger clattering and swinging as he ran. It was too fast for Hero to see. His hands were full of things that got covered by the fabric. He flinched back as Basil turned and darted away. That look of sheer determination was something he'd never seen on anyone before, and especially not on Basil. He sighed. He wouldn't catch him in time. This could wait until later.

He glanced at the hanger. The rack was clearance, meaning it was random pieces of clothing, so he couldn't figure out what he pulled off was. Hero looked at it closer. XS. That wasn't Kel's size. He didn't understand. He had to talk to him about this at school or something else, alone. Hero really hoped Basil wasn't stupid enough to bring a knife to school. That is, if he was still even going. Hero followed the path

Huh. Basil dropped something.

-

"Are you sure you need this? You already got bandaids. I think the school is supposed to provide this stuff for you. It seems kinda... dangerous." Kel tapped the text under the plastic.

"But it has safety features, Mom. I've tried the other kinds in art, and they suck. I wanna do a good job this year."

-

Hero barely even noticed a small fleck of red against the dark carpet. He bent down and held it up.

-

"Are you sure you need a boxcutter?"

-

Red and black embroidery thread. Hero immediately knew what it was for. He'd searched obsessively yesterday, about anything he could think of at the library, after Kel bolted from the house.

-

"Yeah. Our teacher was gone, but the sub said it's gonna be a lot of what the class is. I need it."

-

It was a clickbait article, but even those had some truth. He slumped down to the ground against a mirror from shock.

-

"You better not hurt yourself with this. If you do I'm not buying anything like it ever again. Got it?"

-

He didn't remember word for word, but he remembered enough.

Simple thread bracelets, color coordinated, so one could find others like themselves.

Red for anorexic, and black for self harm.

-

"I won't. I promise."

Chapter Text

Kel smiled at the boxcutter in the cart. What a pretty shade of blue. It contrasted brightly with the blade; black, with a silver edge. He was sure Basil would like it. It had to be a lot sharper than that knife he was using. Safer, too, since it was clean, and what Kel assumed to be sterile. Kel only saw it for a moment, but there was some dried blood on his knife, which was far from sanitary. It would be bad if any of his cuts got infected, especially since Basil didn't disinfect them afterwards. This was also a gift, instead of something that Basil stole in desperation. He always had been appreciative of the gifts Kel gave him, even if they were always rocks with faces poorly drawn on them. It was much better than the knife. There were new blades to switch out, and they even snapped off to keep a sharp point. Basil would have to like it.

"Surprised you didn't get the orange one, Kel. Also, put the shirt over the bunny, so you can surprise him." He chuckled a bit, tucking the boxcutter and bandaids close to the bunny, tossing a solid grey tshirt his mom grabbed over it.

"Yeah, well... tastes change." He forced himself to look away from the food aisles behind him. Birthday stuff, then art supplies, then the house decorations, Basil, cleaning supplies-

"Oh! Basil! Hi!" Kel smiled, but winced as his mom slapped her hand over his eyes.

"Don't ruin the surprise! Well, anyways, did you find everything? You seem out of breath."

"Y-yeah... Hero decided to mess with me by chasing me around. I escaped and got everything, b-but..." Hero? Running? Well, he did start jogging recently. Kel heard some stuff clatter in the cart. How much did he get? Did Kel already not do enough for him? Dumbass. Of course he'd want more than a plushie and a new blade. He should've gotten him some of those flowers up front. His mom was right about the fact that he sucked at gifts. The hand moved away. A new lump had appeared in the cart, covered by the same shirt over Kel's stuff.

"That's a lot of things! You must have had a bunch of ideas if you got everything so fast. Very thoughtful of you." Basil nodded, smiling nervously.

"Y-yeah, well... I dropped some art stuff I grabbed when I was running, but it's not a big deal. I can get it myself later, or do something else instead. I have to work on it at home anyways, since I need my sewing needles, so-" Kel turned as he heard footsteps approaching. Hero was back. He looked pissed, and was also out of breath.

"You... my god... hoo boy-" He pointed at Basil before leaning on his hands on his knees, panting heavily. Basil grinned at him.

"Surprised your back didn't crack dramatically like an old man, bro." Kel laughed at him a little, earning an annoyed glance. Even in his current state, Kel could outrun him. Funny. He'd be so fast once he was skinny again.

"That's sad, Hero. I outran you, and look at me, haha..." Basil held up his wrist, pulling down the sleeve of the hoodie, wrapping his fingers around his wrist. It was his thumb and pointer. Woah. Kel could barely get his middle finger, which was his longest one. But, that gave him the determination. He wouldn't get junk food. He couldn't, or he'd never be able to do that.

"Did something happen?" Hero shook his head.

"Nothing. He just... we need to hurry so you can get back to work. It's almost 3 already." The watch beeped. Their mom turned it off, double checking the time.

"Oh crap, you're right! We do. Hero, how about you go up with Basil so he can buy his stuff? I'll give you my card-" She started to dig around in her purse.

"Actually, can I stay with Kel? I have a better understanding of nutrition and food science, so I can help him make better decisions." Hero sounded desperate. Their mom looked at him for a bit before zipping the bag closed.

"Yeah, sure. If you insist." She bent over to reach in the cart, blocking the view from Kel. He pouted a bit. He wanted a preview, like how he'd peel the corners of the wrapping paper on Christmas to see the box color. Well, more than just the the corner, but... that was a long time ago. He knew Santa wasn't watching him anymore, even if his mom put some gifts as "from Santa" still, including on his birthday, just as a joke.

"Let's go, Basil. You two, keep the cart." Kel nodded, glancing as she moved. The packaging of the boxcutter was visible. Kel hurried over, pulling the shirt before moving behind the cart.

"Okay? Don't show me, then." Kel laughed a little bit.

"Y-yeah..."

-

"So, what is all this stuff? It seems like a lot for just now getting together..." Basil grinned.

"Well, I wanted to get Kel some stuff to help him feel better. A-and to help him as he loses weight. There's the, um, a pedometer so he can track his steps, and the suit thing is supposed to keep the person wearing it cool while exercising. Then, uh... the w-wristbands are just because I think he'd look cool with them, hehe..."

"What about this?" She reached under the fabric, pulling out a blue and white striped notebook.

"Oh, yeah! That's the most important thing. I figured that he'd want to track his progress and stuff. You know... how Kel forgets things..." Basil grabbed the notebook, holding it tight against his chest.

"You really wanna help him with this, huh? In glad. Is there anything else?" Basil stopped for a second, thinking.

"A scale?"

-

Hero glanced up at Kel's hair, pushing the cart as they got into the first aisle of the food section. Bread. Basil was far enough away. He could talk now.

"Kel, um-"

"Do you know if it's better for me to get white bread or wheat bread? Or is there something else? I don't like when it has those seeds and stuff in the middle, though." He stared at Hero, waiting for his answer.

"Well, if you want to go for the healthiest option, wheat or whole grain has extra nutrients and stuff in it, but it has more calories, so-" Kel quickly grabbed the cheapest loaf of white bread on the shelf, tossing it back into the cart.

"Alrighty, then. Less calories is the goal for you. But, y'know Kel, nutrition matters too." He shrugged, continuing to the next aisle. Baking.

"I'll get vegetables and crap too. I know what I'm doing." Hero rolled his eyes.

"Well, fine then. I'm just trying to help..." He almost bumped into Kel as he stopped.

"Are bananas healthy?"

"Somewhat. They have a lot of sugar, although the potassium is good for your muscles and heart. But, we should talk about specifics before we get too far. You only said that you wanted to lose weight. How much? How fast?" Kel stopped, leaning forwards on the cart handle.

"I don't know. But I want to be healthy before the fifth. I don't want to visit Mari, and end up still looking like this." Hero tilted his head. He'd notice Kel gaining some weight, sure, but it wasn't that much. He did too, being cooped up so long.

"What do you mean, "still"? Isn't this recent?" He heard Kel scoff, turning towards him.

"How would you know? You haven't been around for months. You said all that horrible crap that night. I know you don't believe in me. You said I was 'overheleming', so why do you care so much about helping me now?" Hero sighed, crossing his arms.

"Kel, I was dealing with everything in my own way, and I snapped. I know what I said was bad, and I still regret it. You're dealing with it in your own way, but my way wasn't healthy for me, and your way isn't healthy for you either. I know you've realized that, but I'm here for you now. I know what's best for you. Please don't treat me like that." Kel turned back around.

"Can we not talk about this now? We're in public and we need to hurry."

"Fine." Hero sighed, dropping his arms as Kel kept walking. Kel kept avoiding talking about this. He should try to convince his mom to take him to therapy. Basil, too. What the hell was he doing with that knife? He still hadn't thought of a solid answer. The black thread signified self harm, but was that for himself, or Kel? The red, too. Was that Kel or Basil? Kel had been binge eating, but red was for anorexic, and based on what he read up on, that wasn’t what Kel was doing. Basil was really skinny, but he explained it was because he was too depressed to eat. But Hero didn't know if that was the truth or a lie, or the extent of Kel’s behavior. He went back to the black thread.

Is that what they were doing while they were upstairs alone last night? Cutting themselves? He hadn't seen Kel or Basil shirtless in almost a year. Basil was even longer ago; way before Mari died. Both of their wrists were clean, and they were both wearing shorts, so it couldn't be their legs. God. Hero wanted to go to therapy himself, but he'd been doing a lot better after their argument. It would take a lot to convince their mom, and Basil's grandma, since both of their families were worried about money. But, there wasn't anything Hero could do now without causing a scene. Hopefully, things would improve soon.

-

God. Hero was annoying the shit out of Kel, even if he was trying to help him. He felt like when a teacher would watch him while he was taking a test, leering over his shoulder as if he was cheating, as he grabbed cocoa powder off the shelf. Hero being there was helpful in a way, because it pressured him to grab better food, but he didn't want him to comment on it again. If he asked too much, he’d catch on that Kel wasn’t going to make himself lose weight in a healthy manner. He had to learn what to get without him. There was stuff he wanted, but would it be okay? He knew he could get whatever, if he controlled himself. But could he?

Hero said bananas were okay. How many calories were in one? Shit. He should have asked that, not just if they were “healthy”. Stupid. He had an idea for breakfast, but would that be too much? Peanut butter was like 200 calories per serving, which was two tablespoons. He should be fine with just one. Mash up a banana with that, and some milk, and cocoa powder, and that would be a good breakfast, like banana pudding.

Wait, but how long would that keep him satisfied? Kel didn't eat breakfast regularly, so would it be best to even eat it? It would cause him to get hungry sooner. It was too much. 100 for the peanut butter, plus 40 for the cocoa powder, plus 70 for milk, and however many for the bananas. How much was one? 80? 200? 300? Would he be fine eating just one? If they were 300, and he had three, that would be 1110 calories, just for breakfast. Then he had to deal with lunch. The school lunch was shit, he heard that. They didn't have a menu or anything, so how would he find the calories? What could he do? Make it? The only lunch idea he had was sandwiches, and he'd binge on them if he got turkey or ham like he wanted. They were almost always 400 with cheese and mayo. 1110 plus 400 was 1510. That was already to the daily limit for him to lose weight, and that meant he wouldn't lose weight fast enough for the anniversary. It didn't even include dinner. His mom didn't count them when she cooked. Hero didn't when he cooked, either. Normal people didn’t do that. Gino's didn't list them. What could Kel even eat? Everything would be too much. How much should he eat? He didn't know. He didn't know what he was doing. He wouldn't be able to do this. He couldn't be hungry. He couldn't be full. He'd be fat forever. He should just go back and buy cereal and more bread and chips and cookies and fucking binge, shut his brain up, and just accept that this is what he was going to be. He wouldn't escape this he couldn't be thin he couldn't do this he couldn't do it he couldn't do it he couldn't do it-

"Kel? You okay? I was asking if you wanted-"

"Shut up! God-“ His brain was too loud. Kel let go of the handle, suddenly aware of his heart racing, along with how heavy and shaky his breathing was. Is this a panic attack? This was fucking awful. Everything was surrounding and swirling around him and overwhelming. He wanted to go back to his room and relax in the dark and not think about food and have everything be normal. This was too much. He needed to research this stuff before he dove straight into it. Oh god, he was still in it, wasn't he? He clutched at his chest. What was he doing? Buying Basil a boxcutter? What if he went too far? Cut too deep? What was wrong with him?

"Sorry. Just, calm down, Kel. It’s okay. But we need to get out of this aisle. People are coming." It was Hero, but Kel still felt like he was the only one in the area. He looked at the floor, vision blurry. Was he gonna pass out? He couldn't do this. He was too weak. Too pathetic and stupid. He felt Hero tug at his sleeve, pulling him forwards. Kel followed, stumbling a bit, as they went out and across, into a party supply aisle. His breathing was still unsteady, making his arms and chest shake. He forced himself to stop, focusing on a bright green star shaped piñata behind Hero's head.

"I think... I think I just had a p-panic attack... over bananas..." He'd laugh if it wasn't so bad. Kel pulled the cart forwards, leaning on the edge and closing his eyes, trying to steady himself. It was better when he couldn't see.

"I... yeah. Maybe... maybe I should do the shopping instead. I need to get my own food, too. I promise I'll pick what's right for you. Just... calm down a bit here, alright? If you need to get away, go to the bathroom." Kel nodded, but stopped Hero, glancing in the cart. What if he looked? Kel stopped him from pulling it away, grabbing the three items under the shirt and scooping it so he couldn't see. Hero hummed in confusion.

"Why do you need those?" Kel clutched the items closer to his chest.

"Uhm..." He felt a switch flip, pulling out the bunny.

"Uh. I think it'll, yknow, help me calm down. I trust you. Just... do you think that I can write the calories and stuff down before you cook? With measurements? It'll make me more comfortable with eating it." Hero narrowed his eyes, but shrugged it off, nodding in agreement.

"Should... I get bananas?" Kel kicked his ankle gently.

"Yes... get... bananas." He chuckled a little, trying to relax a bit.

"Will do. But... we should talk tonight. I don't wanna pressure you, but I think I know better than you about this stuff. Not trying to be rude or anything. Just... let me help you, please?" Kel rubbed the hand of the bunny. He had Basil. Basil was enough. But he could take some advice from Hero, still. Basil couldn't always be there for him, like now.

"Okay. I’ll try. I'm sorry I got mad. A lot’s happened. I'm tired, sad, and wanna go home." Hero pat his head before rubbing it, messing up Kel's hair a little bit.

"I do, too. We can have a good dinner, play some games, and relax. Do you want me to bake something for you? I can try to make a "healthy version" if that'll make you feel better." Kel wanted to cry again. He didn't deserve a brother like Hero. He was way too good for him. Too nice, too understanding, too perfect. He could never be like him. But he'd try. But first, he’d indulge himself just a bit, before he'd suffer. He just started. He knew what to do. It was okay.

"Mm... brownies?"

Chapter Text

Basil held up the bag with the scale in it, leaning on the wall near the entrance to the store, near Kel's mom. It was a bit heavy, but he'd have to get used to carrying things again. His garden was having a rough time, and his grandma wouldn't be able to keep it up by herself much longer. She'd been talking about getting a caretaker for a few weeks now. Basil tried his best, but his depression made it hard for him to take care of her. Basil wasn't looking forward to having another person in their house. That would take more time away from him and Kel.

"I wonder what's taking them so long. I need to get at least two boxes of those files we brought in sorted before tomorrow." Basil shrugged.

"I'm sure they're just picking things carefully. Hero's probably t-telling Kel to get diet versions of his regular stuff, and he's arguing back. Kel's pretty picky." She tilted her head.

"He is? That kid used to eat anything I'd put in front of him. I don't know what's changed so much recently." Basil had to stop himself from glaring at her. Kel was. He had specific textures he preferred, foods and ingredients he disliked, and certain orders he'd eat things, like eating all the vegetables first. He also liked things soft with just a little bit of crunch, with how he'd only get lettuce and onions on burgers and sandwiches. It wasn't like he had a choice with her food, since she wasn't even giving him any choice about it at home. Basil was trying to be friendly, but she kept pissing him off. He wanted to yell at her about how horrible of a mother she'd been to Kel. But he couldn't. He had to be nice, or she'd push him away.

Basil didn't have anyone else. He needed Kel, someone, anyone before he'd end up cutting too deep one bad day and end up dead. No one understood him. He was planning on doing it, just before Kel showed up. He'd always chickened out and stopped before he got past the second layer of his skin, because his knife never went deeper than that in one cut, going over hurt too much, and he was too scared to stab himself. He was glad he didn't, though. Kel wouldn't push Basil into recovery before he was ready like his grandma did. He gave him hope. He could go at his own pace. It would be okay. Everything was going to be okay.

Maybe something would go away, eventually. It faded away when Kel calmed him down earlier. It was slowly coming back, licking at his ankles. But he helped. He needed to help Kel back. Hero interrupted them earlier. He also was getting mad at Basil about his knife. He was angry, too. He forgot what happened that day at the beach. How could he forget that? How could Hero have forgotten? Basil couldn't believe Hero's promises of trying to help Kel and himself. He ignored so many obvious things. He ignored him the entire summer. He ignored him at school. Basil never even saw him. Kel tried to talk to him, at least. Ah. He was going down the rabbit hole again.

"W-well, he's older. I'm sure he's trying to make good decisions. Hero's helpful, too, but... when we were alone, he was being kinda... pushy? Kel's smart. He can do things by himself. I don't know why he was like t-that to me." Basil set the bag down, sweating. It was too heavy. While Kel lost weight, he'd have to gain some himself. He didn't want to be skinny, at least not like this. He could barely walk. He didn't like being weak. Part of the reason he wanted the scale was for himself, too. He hadn't gone to the doctors since he was scared of them finding about his cuts. It happened when his grandma made him go to the inpatient hospital. He hated it.

"Hero? Well, he has been looking out for Kel for a long time. He's probably just trying to help you. He gets kinda pushy and overly responsible. With me too, sometimes..." Kel's mom crossed her arms, holding a honey bun from one of the bags.

"How so?" She opened it before sticking it in her mouth, taking a bite.

"He would've made me put this back." Basil snorted a little. Her and Kel were a lot alike, as much as Kel tried to pretend he wasn't. He'd seen Hero get mad at Kel a few times when he'd ask Basil for his food at the picnic blanket, even if he was fine giving it up most of the time.

Picnics...

No. Nope. Not thinking about that. Basil stuck his hand back in the front pocket, grabbing the knife handle. He turned it a bit, letting the tip poke through the fabric and dig into his skin. It relieved his urge, just a bit. Kel wouldn't notice a hole since it was the inside, and he could sew it shut anyways, if it got too large. He dropped his thread, though. Kel let him have his hoodie. Basil liked it, but he wanted to give it back to him, and he had the idea to stitch a little ladybug on the sleeve, since they were Kel's favorite bug. But he screwed up, and just had to drop it. He was too tired to go back and grab it. He needed to cut again. It had been a few hours. He was getting too stressed. Go to the bathroom. Get out of here, before something surrounded him.

"Hey, um, Mrs. Herrera? Is it okay if I go to the b-bathroom? My... stomach hurts.” She looked down at him for a bit, swallowing another bite of the honeybun. Basil used that excuse a lot. He was lactose intolerant, but it was only the truth half of the time.

"Yeah, of course. Just try to be back in a few minutes. Don't know where my boys are, but I'll go hunt them if they're not back soon. Basil sighed in relief, starting to walk towards the bathroom. It was the one at the front, instead of the one in the back, where he fought with Hero earlier. He could make it through the day now. Being back in public was nerve wracking. He felt like other people could see the guilt on and around him, just waiting to say "I know what you did." right to his face. He hated this. He missed being out of sight and invisible.

He pushed the door open, glancing and making sure it was empty. All the stalls were closed. Good. Basil looked at himself in the mirror. He looked tired, like usual. That thing was behind him again, staring at him. He needed to make it go away. He walked to the end of the stalls, putting his hand on the door of the larger one. His eyebrows furrowed as it was locked. He thought it was empty. Probably just out of order. Maybe he shouldn't-

Gagging. Kel, gagging. He stepped back. He thought Kel was doing okay. He didn't binge or anything, so why was he purging it? Basil hesitated, but knocked.

"K-Kel? It's me... you okay?" He waited for a response, but got nothing. Basil pulled on the door. It opened. He was familiar with bathroom locks that didn't actually close. He saw Kel kneeling on the button up he wore over his t-shirt, hunched over the toilet, just like yesterday. Basil walked in and closed the door behind him, kneeling next to him. Kel glanced up at him before looking down into the bowl. It was clean.

"Did... did something happen?" Kel shook his head.

"I... I can't throw up. I tried. It won't come out. I don't know why it won't come out." Basil frowned. He read a bit online about bulimia during the couple minutes he went back home, but... there weren't any specifics like that. He only really learned a few words and what it was.

"M-maybe it's just your body saying you shouldn't purge it. It wasn't that much food, Kel." He shook his head again.

"It was. I ate too much. I want it out. I want it gone." Basil stiffened up as Kel put his fingers back in his throat, gagging and lurching, sighing when it didn't work. He didn't like this part. He wanted to help Kel lose weight, but he read about how addictive purging was, since it would let the person doing it eat as much as they wanted. It would cause a cycle of binge eating and purging. There were a lot of side effects to it, too.

"Kel, stop. Your body doesn't want it." He put his hand on Kel's back, rubbing circles like his grandma would to calm Basil, trying to calm him down. It was subtle, but he felt his back shaking under his fingers.

"I'm just... I'm so frustrated. I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted, and stayed thin. What changed? Why do I deserve this?" Basil hesitated, but sat on the floor. Bathroom floors were one of the dirtiest things known to man. They'd be here for a bit. Basil was tired just from walking around the store, and running around didn't help.

"Nothing. Things just... happen." Basil could feel something wrapping around him, just like the last time they were in the bathroom together. It was wrapping around Kel, too. He sighed. Basil needed to do something about it. He needed to cut. But... he lied to Kel earlier, about leaving his knife at home. He always had it. It was one of the only things he still had of Sunny's. It was the only thing that made him feel safe. He didn't want to destroy his trust in him this early. He'd have to wait.

"It's so unfair, Basil. I'm so stressed. I'm so... tired. I don't want to do... this anymore." Basil didn't say anything. He couldn't say anything. He didn't want to live himself, so he couldn't tell Kel to think otherwise without being a hypocrite. He just needed to be here for him. He wanted him to be happy. But he didn't know how to do that for him, so he went along with what Kel asked, and enabled him.

-

Basil kept rubbing Kel's back as Kel sat silently, leaning over the toilet. He tried to purge one last time before giving up. It had been awhile. His mom was probably ready to leave. He didn't know what Hero was doing, and didn't really care. Basil knew he wouldn't snitch on him for having a knife. He didn't earlier. Hero was trustworthy and kind. Completely the opposite of himself.

"Kel, we should get out of h-here. Your mom was getting impatient, and I don't know what Hero's doing. They might suspect something if we don't hurry." Kel glanced at him before nodding. Basil stood, helping him up.

"You're right. I'm still so disappointed in myself. I shouldn't have eaten that." Basil didn't say anything once again. He needed the food. He only had a few hundred calories, too. It wasn't too much. But Kel wouldn't accept his reasoning. Mental health was more complicated than simply stating truths and consequences. Basil knew cutting was bad for him. He could end up in the hospital. He could get an infection. He could bleed too much. He’d have scars for the rest of his life. But he did it anyways.

"It's okay. Let's just go." Basil went to open the door, but stopped, seeing the shirt from earlier hanging on the door. The bottom was tied shut, and there were a few things in it. He tilted his head at it. It was kind of stupid looking. Why'd Kel bring stuff in the bathroom? He'd be accused of stealing if he was seen bringing it in.

"It's... your gifts. I didn't want them to get dirty from the floor." Basil felt butterflies in his stomach. Kel was so thoughtful to him. So nice. He liked that about him a lot.

"O-oh... thank you." Dammit. He sounded upset. He wasn't. He was blushing hard. He wondered what Kel got him. He hoped it was some xacto blades. They worked really well. Basil always kept them, even after they went dull from cutting, to trim down his photos, since he needed them to be a certain size to fit in his photo album. Well, when he still had it. The film, his camera, and his blades mostly just sat around. He mostly just... sat around.

His camera hadn't been used in a long time. For taking pictures of people, at least. Maybe Kel got him some film. His had expired awhile ago, and it made all the pictures he took of his cuts blurry and tinted yellow. He had one picture of his stomach, bloody after a session, bright red. He'd tried to get clean before, and staring at it would be enough to curve his urge to do it. He always relapsed a few days in. Basil sighed. Kel was still just standing there. He was thinking about dark things again. Mental rabbit holes were things he stepped in frequently. All Kel had done was pick up his overshirt, just holding it and staring at him. They needed to leave. He grabbed the shirt off the hook, handing it over to Kel. He untied it, but kept the items in the shirt.

"Kel... I actually have something to give to you now, if that's okay?" Kel nodded. Basil looked at his eyes. Big and round. Warm. He loved him. He reached up to his hair, pulling out his flower clip, along with the leaves.

"No, Basil, don't you dare give me your flower. Your grandma gave that to you. That's important." Basil shook his head, holding the leaves and flowers, one in each of his hands. He ran thumbs fingers across, feeling the smooth glaze on top of the painted clay.

"Actually, the leaves broke off awhile ago. They're on separate clips. So..." Basil put his flower back in his hair, walking over to Kel.

"I want you to have the leaves. Flowers need their leaves. They absorb the sunshine and help them to grow. You feel like my... my sunshine..." Basil turned red. That was so cheesy and stupid. He’d been in the dark for so long. Kel truly had made him feel like the sun had come back into his life, pulling him out from when he dwelled in the darkness. He cupped the leaves in his hands, holding them out to Kel. They smiled at each other. Kel adjusted the items to sit in one arm, reaching up to clip it in the right side of his hair, the same spot as Basil’s. It was the perfect spot. They’d be right next to each other. Basil was right handed, and Kel was ambidextrous. They could both be comfortable holding hands. Kel's left hand in his right. His sunshine. His leaf. His ladybug. He loved him. A lot.

"Is it... is it cute?" Kel looked up at him, tucking a piece of hair behind his ears. Basil smiled widely, putting his hands on Kel’s shoulders.

"It's very cute! It's so cute! You're so cute!" Kel turned redder.

"Th... thank you. I don't feel that way about myself." Basil felt his heart drop. Kel was extremely cute to him. He wanted to squeeze him tightly and kiss him on the cheek over and over, showing his love, gushing out everything he loved about him. He couldn't do that. They just started dating. He had to be careful. He got too close to Sunny. That forced him to do what he did. Something forced him. He’d ruin people if he let himself get too close again. Kel wouldn’t leave him. Kel wasn’t like that. Kel was a good person.

"Well, we'll work on it." He came closer, adjusting the leaves to sit better, moving back.

"If we weren't in a Target bathroom, I'd probably kiss you right now." Basil laughed a bit. He wanted to. It would seal it. They’d be in an actual, full-on, relationship. Not just confused friends. The thought made Basil’s head fuzzy. He could be loved. He wasn’t broken. Kel wanted him. Kel needed him. He was useful. He’d let Kel do, say, or be whatever he wanted to him to be, if it meant he’d love him. Basil loved him. He had to love him back. If he didn’t, Basil didn’t know what he’d do without him.

"I would, too."

Chapter Text

Basil pushed the door open, Kel following behind him again. He was still blushing. He heard a toilet flush from the front, making him jump. Loud noises still scared him. He'd have to get used to it, especially with school. It was full of loud bells and kids screaming. Basil had been stuck into honors classes at the beginning of school last year, since he had good grades, but his mental health was too crappy to keep above a D, so he got pulled out this year. Maybe the new ones would be easy enough for him to not think too hard about the work. He'd been extra hazy lately, but it was because he wasn't eating. Kel would have to deal with that too. Actually, Basil was fairly sure that's why he'd been so emotional. Starving caused that for himself, especially during the first 24 hours. It made him suicidal, even. Well, more than usual.

Basil didn't want to be skinny, though. Eating was just... hard. He'd usually be too depressed to get out of bed, most days. He'd just lay there, thinking, ignoring his grandma's requests to eat even a little bit. He'd dwell too deeply. About how much better things could have been if this thing didn't take Mari away. If he didn't do what he did. If he died. He shook his head, aware of the fact that they were now back in the main part of the store. He glanced back to make sure Kel was still following him, and he was.

He still looked a bit sad, but significantly happier than before. That made Basil happy. Basil looked at where Kel's mom was, but she had left. Did she leave the store? He didn't think she would. People tended to abandon Basil. Well, they weren't too far from home. Just had to put the things back and walk for awhile. His house was maybe... 2 miles away? He hadn't walked over here before, though. He could do that, even if it was a bit far and he was a lot more tired than usual. Basil didn't know about Kel, though. He seemed pretty out of it. Basil didn't have much money, though, so they may not-

"Hey! You two, come help us with this stuff." Basil perked up. Hero was over with Mrs. Herrera, scanning groceries. He was relieved. He wouldn't have to do that. Basil walked over. The bags from earlier were in the cart already. Basil glanced around before reaching out, moving a bag from the carousel into the cart. He felt the cashier judging him. His arms strained. Why did he have to be so weak? It'd be fine. He was ready to go back to school and work towards fixing himself, at least enough to be there for Kel. He had to help him, and that meant he had to help himself, too.

-

Kel brought his free hand up, touching the leaves in his hair. He was scared. He had to hide the stuff he was holding from Hero, but still had to scan it. He ran away. He didn't originally plan on trying to throw up, but he got to the bathroom to try to calm himself and thought of all the calories in brownies, and decided that he could eat some if he got rid of his lunch. Basil actually had said a word for it. Purge. It was a lot cleaner in his thoughts. He wasn't puking, or throwing up, or emptying himself, or erasing it, he was purging. He liked that a lot better. It made it feel less... disordered. Even though he had an eating disorder. Enough thinking. He needed to deal with the stuff in his arms.

Kel looked at the space between Hero and the shelf of snacks that were there just to get dumb fatasses like himself to spend more money. He froze. He had to go through to put the items down. If he didn't fit, he would die from embarrassment.

Kel touched the leaves again. He just needed to calm down, and get through it. This day felt like weeks. The hours felt like days. Kel's life used to fly by, extremely quickly. He hated it now. He hated everything. He hated himself. Go. Just go. Walk, he told himself. He was frozen, just like when he tried to leave his room earlier. Why was he like this?

"Kel? I can take that stuff from you." Kel was pulled out of his thoughts by Hero, holding out his hands. It broke him out of his trance, letting him walk forward. He fit behind him in the aisle perfectly fine. Hero looked concerned, though.

"I... it's kinda..." He had to say something.

"Personal..." Kel could see Hero thinking, trying to figure out what it meant, looking at him. He sighed, moving out the way.

"Sorry." Hero shook his head.

"No. It's okay. I've been... pushy today. I'm just worried." Kel nodded.

"I know. It's just... I know that's how you show you care, but you're doing it too much. I'm okay. I've just had... a couple bad days. It'll be fine tomorrow." Hero nodded back, stepping out to help Basil, struggling with a gallon of milk. Kel found it funny. Basil was lactose intolerant, and couldn't lift the milk. Couldn't tolerate the milk. He hated milk. Why was he thinking another that? He just... didn't want to think.

Kel took out the items from the shirt, putting them on the empty checkout belt. He looked at the boxcutter, then to Hero. He didn't see it get slipped into a new bag by the cashier. He didn't notice when Kel took the bag, putting it in a second bag to cover it up. He didn't see Kel tucking it in a corner of the cart. He didn't see the extent of Kel's agony.

There was no going back.

-

The ride back was stressful. Kel could sense his mom getting mad again. He was glad she had to work. It meant him and Basil could be alone. He could give him his gift. He was doubting himself for getting it, but he knew Basil. He'd been doing it for a long time. He had to know what was and wasn't too deep.

"Basil? Do you know when you need to go home?" He perked up.

"I don't have a time... but I should probably go back soon."

No no no no- Kel didn't want to be alone with Hero. He wanted to spend time with him, but he wanted Basil to be there to defend him if he panicked again. It was hard for him to be rational.

"Well, you're always welcome over to our house. Tomorrow's a school day, though, so I'm not sure it would be the best idea for you to stay the night. Probably need to get your stuff ready for the morning. I know Kel does."

"I haven't gone to school. I haven't... even gone a-anywhere, since yesterday." His mom tilted her head in the mirror.

"Hm. You should go. This one didn't go hardly at all last year, and now he has to work a ton just to catch up." She pinched Hero's ear, making him groan in annoyance.

"Mom. Don't scare Basil. I'm sure he'll get through it. He has Kel to drag him around. Basil's really smart, too." Kel smiled. Fake, of course.

"Yeah... yeah! We can hang out as much as we want at school. It'll be good." He could be there. Help Kel. Motivate him. If he was around, he knew he wouldn't let himself slip up. Kel didn't have a solid plan; he had to go to the library still, and look a lot of things up, but he could copy Basil until he did. He really wanted to throw u- purge his lunch. He tried. He wanted to eat brownies. Hero said he'd make them healthy, but what did that even mean? They're brownies. That's one of the foods that are just unhealthy by nature, like cake, ice cream, and fries. Sadly, a lot of the things that Kel loved were unhealthy. His second favorite food was literally burgers, and his favorite drink was considered one of the most sugar-dense things available to buy.

He'd just have to find alternatives.

-

Kel grabbed the bag with the boxcutter before Hero could even get out of the car. He had to hide it. Basil quickly followed, grabbing a couple different bags. He stumbled when they fell off the edge of the trunk, pulling Basil to the ground.

"Is it... really that heavy?" Basil chuckled at him, grunting, lifting the bags back up.

"N-no... I'm just really weak. It... sorry if it's selfish, but I got something for both of us, if it's okay. Can you carry it? It's too heavy for me." He held it out. Kel took it. It wasn't nearly what he considered heavy, at most 5 pounds. Would he be that way when he was skinny? Barely able to lift a few pounds? Well, Kel liked working out, so he'd have more muscle than Basil. Even if he was weak, he could manage. He'd always adapted before.

Kel ran up to the bathroom one last time, shoving the bags under his bed before going in. He hunched over the toilet, taking a deep breath, getting ready. He hated this part. He felt nauseous enough, though. The anxiety helped. It had to come up. He opened his mouth, doing what he'd done before. He gagged, feeling the muscles in his stomach retract, before having the familiar burning of acid in his throat wash relief over him. He did it. He squeezed his eyes shut, spitting the rest out. He sniffled, feeling the acid burn in his esophagus. Last time, it didn't go in his nose. This time, it did. He stood, grabbing some toilet paper, wiping off his hand before blowing his nose, dropping the tissue in the toilet. He looked down in it, wiping his mouth with his wrist. His eyes widened.

Blood.

Chapter Text

Blood? Blood? He only threw up once per day, three days in a row. How? Why? He wasn't pushing his body too hard. It wasn't like he ate a ton and ripped his stomach or anything. Kel closed the lid. He couldn't look at it anymore. It scared him. He gripped at his shirt. His stomach didn't even hurt. Why was there blood? That... didn't make sense.

He thought back.

First time, he binged, throwing up unintentionally. He ate around 2 hours before he puked. Mix of foods with drinks that came out smoothly.

Second time, it was dry. Hurt his throat. Painful. But he didn't bleed.

Third time, blood. He tried multiple times, before Basil even came in the bathroom, but his body refused. He was out of it. He couldn't remember any specifics, just getting ready, gagging, and failing, until he came in.

Kel coughed, leaning over the sink. His throat hurt. He spit in the sink. Bloody. He rubbed his throat. There was a spot that hurt more than the rest. He opened his mouth, looking in the mirror. Yep. He scratched his throat up while trying to purge earlier. He stared at himself, feeling disappointed, yet again, with the shape of his face. He looked up at the leaves in his hair. He'd be okay. He turned the water on, rinsing his mouth out. More blood came out when he spit it out with the water, diluted. Kel was relieved, though. It wasn't what he ate. It was just his throat. He didn't damage himself, at least seriously. He was okay. There was no need to tell anyone about it. He heard a quiet knock at the door.

"Hey, um... Kel? C-can I come in?" He turned the sink off, letting Basil in.

"Did it... work? I saw you come up, but kept Hero and your mom downstairs. I said I was too tired and couldn't carry the groceries i-in. I brought up the things I got for you, though." He opened the door wider, ushering him in. He didn't want anyone to hear. Kel stayed stern before heaving out a sigh.

"Finally, we're alone. God. It feels like Hero won't leave me alone." Basil crossed his arms, leaning back against the door.

"Same. I wanted to get your things by myself, but he went on some... rant about how I'd get things that were dangerous, and cornered me in the bathroom. It pissed me off, a lot. It's so dumb. I can't tell if he does or doesn't know what's going on with me. I don't think he really knows much about you, though. Just the binges." Kel looked up at him. He was still disappointed anyone found out, but he was glad Basil was here.

"I thought... well... you told me directly, but I connected the dots pretty fast. You were always pulling down your shorts when they went up too high, you wouldn't change in front of anyone in gym, and you always wore a shirt at the hangout and the beach." Basil stepped forwards.

"Exactly! And he just... forgot? Ignored it? What the heck is up with that? There was something else with that last thing, too. She... Mari knew. At the beach, I was getting hot, laying with S-Sunny while he was buried in the sand, so I pulled my shirt up a bit. I laid on my stomach, but she came over, and of course, I panicked! I always panic! I sat up and pulled it down, but she saw anyways. She didn't say anything but pulled me aside before we were about to leave to talk about it, but Hero came over, all jealous and shit that she was talking to me. It's like... it's just... ughhh..." Kel kind of just... stared. He'd never seen Basil so... angry before.

"Basil, um... maybe you shouldn't be so loud..."

"It's fine, Kel. He's still downstairs. Knowing him, even if he hears, he'll probably just forget allllll it. Anyways, Mari got mad at him for questioning why she kept talking to me. I hesitated, but told him the truth. That I was hurting myself. That Mari saw. It was vague, but he seemed... kind of shocked? Confused? I don't know which, but before I could say more, Mari started yelling at him about a bunch of stuff. I didn't understand most of it at the time, but now I know better. It was mostly about... the recital. Hero was getting upset that she was taking so much time to work on it, along with college stuff, but Mari loved playing, even if it was hard. I'm sure you know that. She was a perfectionist. He kept pulling her away from it, which made her unhappy, but at the same time he kept insisting he was there for her."

"But like, what does that even mean? He was there, but it's not like it would have helped since she didn't ac- she didn't reach out, b-but... anyways, he said that he was just trying to help her, but that he never did what she asked. He just apologized, pat my head, turned, and left to help you with your bag. I know he was upset and shocked, I mean... I was also shocked with how she yelled at him, but... there's no way I would forget something like that. Especially considering my age. I can't believe he did. Mari didn't really push me for more information after that. She just asked to see, then if I was okay, which I lied about of course, saying I would stop. It wasn't nearly as bad as it is now, but I still didn't. I had an anxiety attack afterwards, but Sunny thankfully calmed me down, but... I'm still mad at him." Kel sighed, stepping closer. Basil was shaking, and on the verge of tears.

"That was... a lot. I'm glad you got it out." Basil shook his head, looking down.

"There's so much I haven't, and that I can't. I need... I need to cut. It's the only thing that actually helps. I don't get those people that just think screaming into a pillow, or going for a walk, or taking a bath helps. It doesn't help me. But..." He took a deep breath, looking Kel in the eyes.

"Kel. This is bad. But I need to tell you something. I lied. To you. Earlier... I know I shouldn't have. It's... I still have my knife. I didn't leave it. I couldn't. I'm too used to having it on me. It's important to me. I want to cut again. If you want to break up with me, I understand, but either way, I still want you in my life." Kel sighed.

"I'm... a little disappointed, but I understand. I won't do that. Just... don't lie to me again, okay?" He saw Basil's eyes narrow, looking down.

"I'll try... I just. I'm scared. There's a lot I haven't told you about. A-and... what happened with Hero earlier. He knows I had it. I don't know how much he knows, but he's suspicious about me already. It hurts. I just want to be with you. I don't even want to go home, b-but... my grandma... I have to." He started to cry, anger receding. Kel grabbed Basil's shoulders, pulling him into a hug.

"I don't want you to, either. I don't know how to think, or feel, when you're not around me." Basil gripped at his shirt, burying his face in his hair. Kel heard him sob near his ear.

"Just the time we were apart in the store earlier caused me to have a panic attack. I don't know how we're supposed to deal with school. We only had math and gym together last year, since you were in honors classes." Basil shook his head in his shoulder.

"I-I don't have them anymore. I couldn't do it. I barely even passed. I don't know why I tried. It's pointless. How are we supposed to think about math, dead men from hundreds of years ago, and fucking Shakespeare when we have to deal with all of this crap?" Kel rubbed his back.

"I don't know. Even when I was okay, I found it hard to concentrate on it. We're... people are all lost. But..." Kel pulled away, holding Basil's face in his hands.

"When I'm around you, I don't feel lost. I know why I'm here. It's to be with you. That's why humans fall in love, right? Our bonds are what make us... us. I don't have all the answers, and I know you don't either, but we're enough. We can do this! We'll find some answers as we go along. School is hard, but I'm ready to make some changes. I have basketball coming up. Maybe we can find something you're passionate about, too? I know that the highschool doesn't have gardening, or photography, but there is a graphic design course that I got put in this semester for an elective. I know you like art a lot. Maybe you could try to get switched into it?" Basil sniffled, smiling.

"I... would like that. But... my passion is gone. I haven't touched my camera in.... months. My grandma is barely keeping my garden alive, and I feel so bad because it's hard for her, but she has to do it because she thinks it's the only thing keeping me sane. I don't know if I can do it. I have so much shit I need to work on, people to talk to, and things to fix. I don't believe I can do it. I want to go back and lay in my room and rot in my bed." Kel smiled, moving his hands back down to his shoulders.

"I have a lot do, too. But! I'm sure you believe in me. And I believe in you! I'll be there to help with whatever you need. Even if we don't have classes together, we can hang out before school and during lunch. It'll be a good distraction for me, too." Basil held Kel's forearms.

"You... mean that?" Kel nodded, holding Basil's back.

"Absolutely! I love you!" Basil chuckled, looking in his eyes.

"We're so corny." Kel laughed back.

"We are. Honestly... what is with us, serious talks, and being ready to kiss in bathrooms?" Basil shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know. But, we need to find somewhere else to hangout. I... used to go to the hangout spot, but... a lot of sad memories are stuck there. I got too depressed to keep going, and it's too painful now. Sunny and Aubrey's are out of the question. And... Hero is... y'know..." They pulled away from each other.

"Yeah. I don't know what to do about him. I'm still terrified of eating. Also... um." Kel glanced back at the toilet.

"I don't think I should... purge anymore. I, uh... threw up... blood." Basil's eyes widened.

"Kel! That's really bad! Are you okay? Does it hurt? We need to-" He pat Basil's head, coughing a bit.

"Shush, I'm fine. It's not from my stomach, it's from my throat. I just did it too much and scratched myself. Maybe I can like... only do it if I binge again. I'll be cool and collected and planned and crap, like I have my life together." Basil rubbed at his arm nervously.

"I mean... it's not the best, but throwing up blood is serious. I don't want you to get hurt." Kel didn't want Basil to get hurt either, but that was the nature of his coping mechanism. He couldn't force him to stop.

"I don't either. I'll be more careful, from now on." Kel walked over to the toilet, flushing it. Basil followed, sitting down on the lid.

"Well... I can stay a bit, but... I really, really need to cut again. I went to do it in the bathroom earlier, but you just happened to be there, so I didn't. I focused on helping instead." Basil pulled up the leg of his shorts, taking out his knife from the hoodie pocket. He really did lie about leaving it. Kel almost hoped that it wasn't true, and that Basil was just testing him. He leaned back against the wall, looking at his leg. So many scars. Kel didn't notice before, but there was a pattern to it. Older on the outside, newer on the inside. They were in neat rows, all less than an inch long, as close together as they could be. Basil must have a pattern and order of cutting, just like how Kel had an order of eating.

"You can stay in here, if you want. It's your house, obviously, but I'm doing it regardless. I wouldn't want to watch if I were you, though." Kel hesitated to turn around.

"I'm just kind of... curious. I don't really understand how it helps." Basil shrugged, adjusting his grip to pinch the blade of the knife. He stopped with the knife hovering just a bit over his leg.

"Wait. I want to give you one of your things, first. The rest can wait until after I'm done, but I think you'll need it to deal with Hero." Basil put the knife back in his pocket, hurrying out of the bathroom. Kel checked the toilet, making sure all the blood was gone from inside. It was. He heard a bag rustle, and Basil came back in. He looked in his arms.

"I know you forget things a lot, and you're bad at math, so I got you this to write things in." Basil held it out, smiling. A blue and white striped spiral notebook. Kel could tell it was a much better quality notebook than what he usually got for school. Closer to a journal. He took it, opening it. The lines were black instead of blue, and the paper was extremely smooth. He closed it, looking at the cover. He liked the design, too. The spiral was gold. So fancy. It was the nicest notebook he'd ever had, even if his old ones were full of bad stick figure drawings. He'd take care of it. He'd use it.

"Thank you, Basil. I really like it." He did. Kel smiled, holding it close to him. Basil bounced happily, walking back to sit on the toilet.

"So. You're gonna watch?" Kel blinked, moving back against the wall. Basil was still smiling, pulling out the knife again.

"Just for a bit. You almost sound... excited."

"A bit. It's been awhile, and this is a part of me no one else ever sees." He pinched the blade near the tip, pressing it at an angle towards the inside of thigh. He was still impressed with how thin his legs were. They almost didn't spread when he sat. He was extremely envious of it. Kel looked up and saw Basil with wide eyes, still smiling, before he quickly pulled it to the side, slicing into his leg. Kel winced at it, seeing Basil's expression soften in relief. His skin tearing sounded the exact same as when the scissors were cutting through his hair earlier. Kel had almost no pain resistance himself, crying when he was a kid just from paper cuts and tripping on concrete, still crying from stomach aches and muscle pain. Even if he forced himself to stop crying, it still hurt.

But, Basil could just... do that? No fear? No hesitation? Basil cried a lot, but not at this. It was strange. Kel didn't understand it. He watched the blood pool up in beads from the cut. Dark red. It made Kel kind of woozy, just imagining the pain. But he watched as Basil did it again, and again, still focused and happy, just as much as the first time. Kel didn't like it, but he couldn't make himself look away. Basil stopped after a few, looking up at Kel before tearing some toilet paper, putting it under his leg on the lid, blood dripping down and absorbing into it.

"I usually... take awhile to do this, at least 15 minutes. Hero's probably worried again. It'd be bad if he came in now. Can you... handle him for a bit? I'll try to hurry." Kel finally forced himself to look away.

"Y-yeah... I will. I need to see what he bought, anyways. I don't know what he got, really, since I ran away." Basil took more of the toilet paper, wiping off the knife.

"It was a lot of stuff. Mostly fruit and vegetables, but I saw some rice, chicken, and canned stuff too." Kel was right. That was the kind of stuff that was healthy. At least he liked healthy food, too. It just didn't curve his binge urge nearly as much as junk food did.

"Well... I'll see you in a bit. Just... clean up the blood, obviously." Basil nodded, putting the bloody tissue on the counter, adjusting his grip on the knife.

"Got it. Been doing this for years, Kel." Kel glanced at him. Basil looked annoyed. Well... he did know what he was doing, Kel guessed. He just needed to let him do what he needed to do. He walked out, glancing at the new bags Basil brought up on his bed, before going back downstairs. He was tempted to look, but he didn't. His mom was now sitting at the couch, papers spread out on the cushion next to her. Kel stood for a bit looking at her, but she didn't look up, writing on a paper stuck in a clip board. He swallowed down the small bit of blood that had accumulated in his mouth before walking into the kitchen. It did not taste good. He saw Hero putting away the extra grocery bags under the sink that they used for trash. He  waited a bit, but still hadn't noticed Kel.

"Yo." Hero jumped and glanced up, closing the cabinet.

"Hi. Scared me a bit. How's it going?" Kel shrugged.

"Alright, I guess. I talked with Basil about earlier, so I'm kinda mad at you, but I still wanna hang out. Can we just... not talk about it? I'm not ready yet." Hero sighed, leaning forwards on the stove, pressing some buttons on the oven, preheating it.

"I'm still worried. I know I've said it a few times already, but... I don't know what's going on with you two, fully, so I'm scared. I know I need to mind my own business, and shut up, but helping people helps me. I know neither of you want to talk to me, and I understand why. It just... hurts." He took a deep breath before he moved to the cabinet, taking a few things out. Kel saw the cocoa powder he grabbed earlier. He ran his thumb over the spiral of the notebook.

"I... yeah. I love you and care about you and stuff, but I don't... trust you. Not completely. It's just... I know I said I was fine, that I was, but I'm not over our fight still. You... really hurt me." Hero froze, hesitating to open the cabinet with their baking pans. Hero glanced at him before he looked away. His eyes were wet.

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm... trying to be better. I don't know how to treat you anymore. I used to always just... make you food. But now... it feels like I can't- I can't do anything. I feel so useless." Kel looked at the counter. He had the stuff for brownies out. He purged, which allowed him to have more to stay under a calorie limit. He could eat. But Kel just... didn't want them anymore. Throwing up killed his appetite, which he was happy about. But...

"It... you still can. I know you love cooking, and baking, and stuff... I just. I'm scared I'll binge again. You saw what it was like. What I was like. I... you're not useless. I'm just... I'm sorry. I wish we were okay. I wish none of the things that happened, happened. I wish our group was still together. I wish Sunny would leave his house. I wish Aubrey would talk to me. And I wish Mari was still here." Kel felt tears pricking his eyes, but held them back. Hero sniffled. He'd been through a lot. He'd learned a lot. Both of them needed to control their emotions better.

"Me too. But... we can't do anything about it now, obviously." Hero took a deep breath, swallowing and wiping his eyes. Kel did the same, looking down at the notebook.

"Well. I'm still gonna bake brownies, like you asked. You don't have to eat them if you don't want to, but if you don't, I really think you should eat something else. I... found the pepperoni you got me yesterday, so I got crackers you can have with it. I'm gonna sit down and write out the recipe right now for the brownies. It's mostly the same as the ones I usually make, but I'll go over it, if you wanna sit with me and ask questions." Oh right. He gave Hero some of his food. He forgot. Kel sighed in his mind. He'd know the calories. He had his notebook. He could ask a few things. He would know the numbers.

"Sounds good."

Chapter Text

Kel found out a lot.

Firstly, he wrote off the calories he ate. It was a bit higher than what he was happy with, but he purged it, so he'd let himself eat one brownie. He was also stoked about the fact that there was such thing as sugar with almost zero calories. He was extremely excited about it, until Hero mentioned that it would cause headaches if he ate too much of it. He was fine with that. It was a better signal for him to stop eating than puking, if he started to binge.

"So, all in all, one brownie is 130 calories. That's the best it'll get without me using a different kind of flour." Kel nodded, leaning down and happily writing down the number. 580 + 130. 710. Well, it was estimated, but Kel was happy enough with that number. They would taste, and feel good, in his mind. They also used applesauce instead of eggs, which Kel was unsure of, but he knew that it had less calories. He was finding safe food to eat. It made him feel better about eating it.

"What's that mean?" Hero pointed down at the number. Kel glanced up at him.

"Oh, it's just the amount of calories I've had today. Figure less is for the best, right?" He chuckled a bit. He was so... proud. He was proud of himself, for once. He had the control. The willpower. He didn't need to eat. He had enough energy. If he just tried enough, he didn't need food. He was Kel. Endless energy. Endless happiness. He was doing it. He was strong.

"Kel, um... you should probably eat a bit more today. If you can. Even if you're dieting, too little can be bad for you, too. You need to eat at least 1200 to lose weight healthily." Kel didn't understand.

"But... if eat less, I'll lose weight faster. So why does it matter?" Hero crossed his arms, leaning back on the stool.

"Well... basically, to start, your metabolism is a word to describe how many calories you burn. Your base metabolic rate is how much you burn doing absolutely nothing. Like, sitting in bed all day. For most people, it's less than 1800, but people do things and walk around and stuff, which is why 2000 is recommended to maintain. So... 1200 is the lowest most people can go before you risk changing that rate. Even that amount is a low number to restrict yourself, too. Doing less than that can cause you to maintain your weight, even if you're only eating 800 calories." Kel dropped the pen, bringing his hand to cover his mouth.

That couldn't be true. If it was, then why was everything he saw with anorexia about starving yourself? It didn't work?

...

He'd just have to eat even less than that. If he didn't eat at all, his body would be forced to burn through the fat, right? But... he had done that before. He'd tried to go the entire day restricting himself completely, multiple times, and he always caved in and ate even more than usual at the end. That one time, it even caused him to binge twice in a week.

"Kel, that's not meant to scare you. I just want you to know why you can't do that."

Kel held his head in his hands, reading the number repeatedly. It blurred with tears. He couldn't do it. Eating 1200 felt like giving up. Not eating was too hard. And eating too much terrified him. What the hell happened to his relationship with food? He used to not care. Not in the slightest. Eating whatever he wanted. But now, he couldn't even lose weight like that? What the hell kind of design was the human body? He wanted to be out of it. He wished he could have Hero's, Basil's, anyone skinnier than himself, because it meant that he didn't have to work hard, or admit how much he'd failed himself by letting himself become overweight.

"...I'm scared. How... how am I supposed to do that? I don't know what... what should I even eat?" Hero sighed, before pulling the notebook away from between Kel's elbows. Kel looked up, seeing him write in it.

"I... I'll help you. I know what you need. It'll be hard, but how about I make both of our meals? I know from experience that the cafeteria food at school sucks, so I can make it healthier and measure it out to fit the calorie goal. I also want to lose a little bit of weight myself, so it would be good for both of us to stay on track.” Kel steadied his breathing, crossing his arms on the counter.

"I... I guess. I don't know what else to do. I trust you." He'd have to accept it. If he didn't eat normally, he'd end up worse. Hero's food was also pretty good.

"Hey... sorry, I took awhile. Also, I just t-talked with your mom for a bit. She said she was going to bring back the papers she got from work. She said... never mind." Kel didn't even notice Basil until he talked. He walked so lightly without having to change his footing. He was jealous of it.

"What were you..." Hero mumbled, shook his head, and stood up, walking to the stove. Kel glanced back to Basil. He looked furious, but moved to sit next to Kel at the counter. He slid his notebook back to himself, seeing what Hero wrote down. 9/12/1999- /1250. Kel was extremely tempted to write the number in with the pen and refuse the brownies. Say he didn't feel good. The nausea was going away, which meant his appetite was coming back, so he'd have to will himself not to eat now. He knew it was bad for him, but he didn't care. Starving felt like success.

"I still don't wanna be around him. Do you wanna go to your room?" Hero set down a bowl he was mixing things in down on the stove. Hard.

"Go to his room and do what?" Oh. They were still fighting. Kel did get from what Basil said that they hadn't actually made up, he hoped that they'd just... forget it. Move on. That's what usually happened with him and his mom.

"Who knows? Maybe we'll make out, maybe we'll just play video games, or just maybe we need to be away from you." Hero turned, glaring at Basil. Kel had to resist blushing at the first part, despite the situation. Ehe... kissing Basil would be fun. He pictured him getting all flustered with it.

"If you're hurt my brother, I swear to god, I'll-" Basil stood up, slamming his hands on the counter. Kel scooted away. Shit. He needed to take this seriously. He just didn’t want to deal with it.

"Why are you always assuming I'm trying to hurt him?! I'm trying to help him! And you're just... making brownies and shit? How are you so fucking ignorant? I don't get it!" Kel didn't want to see this. He didn't like seeing either of them mad. His boyfriend and his brother, fighting. He didn't like it.

"Basil. I saw what you had earlier. I know." Hero was starting to look sadder as Basil tore into him. Kel agreed with some of what he said, but he didn't like hearing it. It was mean. He wasn't used to even seeing Basil angry, let-alone furious.

"Know what? You always just say vague crap like that, like you know what's actually going on. You're not smarter, or high and mighty, or better than either of us." Kel saw Basil's hands gripping at the counter. He looked down to his thigh, but it didn't look any different from earlier. Basil was good at hiding it. Hero shoved his hand in his pocket, pulling something out.

"Then what are these? Kel looked at his hand. Red and black thread.

"What?"

"You think I didn't notice? You dropped them when you were running away from me earlier. Why would you make something like that? I don't know which is for who, maybe for both, but I'm sure you know what the colors mean." Basil let go of the counter.

"Hero? I don't know what-"

"You do. Bracelets. Bracelets, to show off your problems. Black for self harm, and red for anorexia." Fear, then confusion. What? Kel had no idea what he was talking about, either. The words scared him, since it showed he knew, but Basil and him weren't going to do that. Well, the bracelet part. Kel was ashamed of himself, and from his tone earlier, Basil was too. Why would they do that kind of thing? Showing it off? That... Kel was sure that Basil wasn't thinking that way, even if he was smarter than him.

"Hero. I'm... we're not..."

"Kel, then do you know why he has a knife?" Kel looked away. Basil rubbed his arm, looking down.

"Hero... you already know." He shook his head.

"I genuinely don't. That's the only explanation I can think of." Hero glared at him. Kel saw as Basil's expression went through multiple emotions, processing. He couldn't even comprehend what he was feeling, but tears fell from his eyes.

"I can't... I can't be around you. I c-can't believe you. I'm..." Basil looked at Kel, frowning, mouth wobbling. He needed to say something. Before Hero found out, or remembered. Whichever came first, he couldn't let it happen.

"Hero. I... I don't really know what happened, but... I promise that Basil won't hurt me. We love each other, a lot. We're both just having our own problems. We're just trying to help each other. I don't know what you're talking about with the bracelets, but I'm sure that wasn't what Basil's intention was. I don't know about that, either." Kel reached out to grab his hand. Basil let him, but didn't hold his back.

"Basil? Can you explain why you grabbed the thread? I don't want you and Hero to stay mad at each other." Basil squeezed his hand, covering his mouth.

"I... I just- Kel really likes ladybugs, a-and I just wanted to- I just wanted to stitch one into h-his hoodie before I gave it b-back... I don't want to hurt him. I don't know why you would think t-that... we were doing either of those things." Hero's expression loosened up slowly.

"I... fuck. I'm sorry. I just... assumed shit again. I need to stop doing that. I just... I don't know why you have a knife. So much has been going on, I can't even process it. You also hinted at something, but... I genuinely don't remember. I don't... want to remember." Kel squeezed Basil's hand again. He was scared, they were both scared, but he could do this. He'd lied to Hero before. It wasn't that hard. He always believed him. His stupid little brother. Innocent and cute.

"Basil... Basil carries it around for protection. He likes going to the hangout spot still, and there's a couple people around there that aren't the best. He also... I think he told you, but he hasn't been out of the house in a long time. He was just scared. He wouldn't use it on anyone unless they did something first, and I know he wouldn't use it on me." Basil took a shaky breath.

"Y-Yes. That's it. So, can you stop making me out to be the villain?" Hero looked down.

"Okay. I'm sorry. I know... I know all those things you said. I know I'm not that good. I know I'm not perfect. I don't even want to be. I just want my brother to be safe, and happy, and healthy. I want the same for you too, Basil." Basil relaxed his hand. Kel moved closer, sliding his fingers between his.

"That's what I want, too. B-but... me and Kel are older. I'm 14, and he's almost 15. We can handle things." Hero shook his head, looking out the window.

"You're right, but... I- with what happened, I'm more on edge. It feels like anything negative is a warning sign. We should... we should all be in therapy. I don't know why we didn't before. It was so obvious we needed, and still need, real help." Kel stood, moving next to Basil.

"Maybe. But, it's too expensive." That wasn't the reason why Kel didn't want to go. If he went, he'd be force to "recover." He wasn't even thin yet, so he'd just go back to binging, stay fat, and he knew people didn't care about overweight people. It was their own fault they would be that way. He wasn't an exception. Hero shook his head again, leaning forwards to look in the sink.

"I don't care about it. I'll work. I'll drop out, if I have to. Money doesn't matter if one of us ends up dead." Kel felt Basil squeeze harder. He knew it was a touchy subject, but he had to talk about it.

"Hero. Bro. H... Henry. Neither of us are going to go that far. We know... how much it hurts. We can handle it." He shook his head again.

"I don't believe that." Kel let go, walking over to him, hugging him from behind.

"I saw how you were, during that year. I'd never do that to you. Why... why can't you believe us?" Hero gripped his hand.

"She told me nothing. Mari- Mari told me nothing." Kel loosened up a bit, sighing. He knew Hero felt guilty. He did, too. She helped him so much with his problems, but rarely bothered anyone else. Kel didn't notice, either.

"We'll talk to you if things get bad, I promise." Kel heard Basil walk over. He hesitated, but wrapped his arms around Hero as well.

"Hero... it's not y-your fault. It's not S-Sunny's. We couldn't stop it." He heard Hero try to breathe before choking out a sob.

"I-I love you two." Both of them leaned in closer.

"We love you too, Hero."

Chapter Text

The three boys stayed in silence for a bit, letting Hero cry. Kel knew he needed it. He knew Hero was sad, a lot, but he still bottled up and hid his emotions. Kel was starting to do the same thing, but he at least got to let it out through binging. Basil talked about it, and hurt himself. But Hero didn't have a coping mechanism. He dealt with it head-on. He dealt with it alone. He heard him sniffle one last time before Kel pulled away.

"I- ugh... thank you guys. I'm sorry I freaked out again. I've already said why over and over, so I'll stop talking about it. I... know how it's hurting you two now." Basil pulled away, leaning on his arm with his hand on the counter.

"It... I want to say it's okay, but... please don't push us a-anymore. I'm still mad at you, but I forgive you." Hero nodded, wiping his nose with the inside of his shirt, moving to use his sleeve for his eyes.

"I won't. I went too far. I know that, now." Hero turned, forcing his smile. Kel and Basil stepped back, looking at him.

"Well... now we can have fun!" He planted both of his hands firmly on Kel and Basil's heads. Basil winced a bit, moving his hands up. Heh. Kel had a hard head. Not as much as Aubrey, though.

...

He still missed her.

"I know you have to go home soon, Basil, but I'll give Kel some brownies to give to you tomorrow. You need them." Basil hummed in agreement.

"Yeah... while Kel loses weight, I really need to gain some. I don’t like being this thin. I actually got a scale to see, kind of as a shared gift..." Kel felt himself tighten up. He was scared. He knew he'd gained a lot. He'd panic if he saw the number and it was higher than 123. It had to be. He knew it.

"Yeah. I need to as well. Haven't been to the doctor in a bit. Kel?" He felt Hero rub his head a bit.

"I... mm. I don't want to know. Just for awhile. I'm too scared." Hero moved his hand away.

"That's okay. You don't have to." He sighed in relief. Kel almost jumped when he heard the oven beep, preheating. Basil glanced at the time.

"Jeez... it's really late. I should get going." Kel didn't want that, still, but he knew that they needed a bit of time to process everything that happened today.

"Probably should. If you two wanna go do your gifts first, it's okay. I won't stick my nose in anymore, even if I want to." Hero turned, holding up a notecard with the brownie recipe. Kel looked at Basil. Basil looked back, grinning. He smiled back at him.

"We'll go do that, then." Kel grabbed Basil's hand again, but switched sides so that Basil's right was in his left. He looked at Hero before they turned the corner. His smile fell immediately after they turned away from him. Kel knew it was an act; that he still felt bad, but he still wanted Hero to be happy, even if he hurt Basil. Basil walked faster than him, pulling him up the stairs. He looked really excited. He sat himself against the edge of Kel's bed, pulling his bags down to the floor. Basil really did get a lot.

"You... got a lot, didn't you?" Basil looked at him.

"Yep! Had a lot of ideas." Kel closed the door, sitting next to him. He pulled his bags out from under his bed. He looked under, seeing his... additional bag. That one he didn't like to think about. He crawled, sitting across from Basil.

"So... how many things did you get?"

"Well, I got the scale and notebook, but I don't really count those. They felt necessary. I got... only two, otherwise. Dropped the thread. Sad... I wanted to make a lil' ladybug for you." Basil held up the the sleeve of the hoodie. Kel nodded.

"Well... I got you three. Four, if you count the hoodie. So... at least it's fair." Basil smiled, waving his hand with dismissal. Kel was surprised he got over what happened so fast. Maybe he just really needed a hug.

"Well, it's not a big deal. You could give me garbage and I'd be happy with it." The tone he had rubbed Kel the wrong way, but he didn't overthink it. He put the extra bag behind him.

"So... I have one I wanna give you first. It's the worst one, in my opinion." Kel pulled it out. He squeezed the bunny’s chest, making it squeak, before turning it to Basil. Basil gasped and smiled, holding his hands out.

"I love bunnies!" Kel smiled. Basil still had some innocence after all. He took the plush, squeezing it against his chest happily, making it squeak again.

"I'm glad you like it. I was worried you'd dump me if I got something you didn't like." Basil looked at him sadly.

"Kel, I would never do that. I don't know what the future looks like, but I'm going to stick with you, regardless of what happens." Kel smiled, but still had doubts in his mind. He didn’t understand why anyone could love him. He was stupid, ugly, and a waste of space. All his friends left him. Basil would do the same thing with enough time.

"If you say so...” Basil smiled reassuringly before he put the bunny in his lap, grabbing a bag.

"So, this one I was kinda iffy on, but I think it'll be good for you." He pulled out a black... jumpsuit? Kel could already tell it was too small.

"It seems... kinda small?" Kel laughed nervously. Basil folded it up, sliding it over. Kel took it, holding it up to himself. Definitely small.

"That was actually intentional! It's supposed to absorb sweat and keep you cool, so it would be good for exercising, but I also got it because it's tight, so it'll also, like... squish you down. Like shape wear, I guess... it was cheap, too." Oh. Oh! Kel liked it a lot more now. That would be good. He hated how he had a muffin top now, even when he pulled his shorts up above his hips. Maybe it would be tight enough to constrict his stomach so he couldn't eat.

He stopped, looking at it. Kel knew he shouldn't do that. But it was... tempting. He'd try to follow what Hero said, but if he binged again, he was going to purge it. If he didn't see changes either, he wouldn't follow it anymore. It would be okay. He would lose weight. One way was just harder.

"I like it. Sorry if I seemed disappointed. I'll wear it under my jersey, when I get it." Kel had doubts about getting on the basketball team, but he knew that he was one of the better players, even if self doubt constantly plagued his mind. No one else tried as hard.

"It's okay. I know you're probably just thinking a lot. Also, you will look very nice in a jersey, I think..." Kel nodded. He was thinking. He always was. Basil helped him do it less, though. He reached in his bag again.

"Probably should have given these to you earlier, but..." Kel held out the box of bandaids. He debated between a couple, but ultimately just got solid colors. Rainbow. He didn't know what kind Basil would want, and got the ones he would have wanted. He smiled just as wide as with the bunny, though.

"Oh! Yay! I don't like those cartoon ones or the tan ones. They're great! Can I put one on now?" Kel nodded, and Basil quickly opened the box. He pulled out a yellow one, pulling up the leg of his shorts. Kel quickly looked. Basil had made an impromptu bandaid out of folded up toilet paper, held up by a braided price of toilet paper tied around it. He was both disturbed and impressed by how well he seemed to know how to do it. Basil opened the bandaid, lifting up the paper, sticking it on a cut before patting it flat. Kel couldn't see them all, which he was happy for, but even his scars still disturbed him a bit. Basil put the paper on the floor before grabbing a second blue one, opening it and sticking it over one of his larger scars. He was still smiling. Why was he smiling? He crumpled up the wrappers together, placing them on the floor next to him.

"That one's my favorite. The blue one, I mean." Kel felt weird smiling back, but did.

"You have favorites?" Basil nodded.

"Yeah! There's that one, then this one right here where I carved in a flower. Oh, but I also like this tiny one..." Basil pointed around to different scars, explained when, where, and with what they were made. Kel just stared. He still couldn't believe how mangled his leg looked. His skin looked like old, dry, constricted, and wrinkled with how many scars had been layered on top of each other. The larger pink ones didn't overlap, though. Kel wondered what changed the pattern.

"This one is my second favorite. It... it's the deepest. It really hurt, but I like how it healed a lot." Kel looked closer. He couldn't tell the difference between it and the other ones. He just nodded.

"There's my stomach and one on my hip that's pretty deep, too, but I don't know if you wanna see that. I know I'm probably doing too much right now, even..." Kel shifted his legs. Seeing the scars made his own legs hurt.

"It's okay. But... yeah, probably don't show me." Basil nodded, pulling down the shorts.

"Okay. Sorry. I just got... excited." Hm. He paused before he grabbed his bag again.

"Here's my last one. I'm not sure it was the best fit, but I know you like to walk and run a lot, so..." Kel looked at the box. A pedometer! He'd wanted one of those for a long time. He smiled big, leaning forwards and reading it. It was solar powered, too! He didn't need to buy batteries, or steal them from the tv remotes. That always made his parents mad.

"Hell yeah! It's great. I'm so sick of counting..." Kel thought, taking the box in his hands.

He didn't count at all today. It was okay. He didn't eat too much. He was okay. He was fine. He could just walk more tomorrow. 13,000 wasn’t too much more than his usual goal, but he’d be dying from doing 20,000.

"The main reason I got it is because of this..." Basil pointed at some writing on the box. Kel was ready to jump and yell with how excited he was, reading it.

"IT TRACKS CALORIES?? Ohhhh my god..." He was ready for his heart to explode. Basil was so thoughtful. Kel loved him so much.

"It only does steps, but yeah!" Kel hugged the box, leaning back. Basil hugged the bunny, looking at him.

"Marry me." Basil turned red.

"We're... too young for that." Kel waved his hand.

"Just a joke, heheh..." Would they? Kel imagined it for a second. For some reason, he couldn't imagine Basil in a suit. He was in a pretty white dress, fluffy and flowing long behind him, small yellow and pink flowers in his hair. He never really thought of himself as being straight, but he'd always imagined himself getting married to someone in a dress, regardless. Basil would be cute in a dress. Kel didn't really think he would ever wear one, but he found the idea funny.

"Kel? Whatcha thinking about? You look... happy." He felt himself blush.

"Oh, nothing important..."

"Well, you looked like you were enjoying it." Kel gripped at his bag. One thing left.

"It was silly. I was imagining you in a dress. Would you ever wear one?" Basil blushed again.

"I mean... if it made you happy, I'd do anything." Kel laughed nervously.

"My god. You're so- dedicated...? Anyways. I was iffy about this, but... if you don't like it, we can throw it away and pretend like I didn't get it." He reached in. The plastic of the boxcutter was clunky. Kel had second thoughts about it. But... Basil liked it, right? It would be fine. He pulled it out.

"I... hm." Basil leaned in, reading the package.

"Is... is it okay?" Basil took it, looking down. He pulled out his knife, holding it up, comparing.

"It's shorter, but I'm sure it's sharper. I've never tried anything like it, though." Kel was a bit relieved. He knew it would be sharp.

"Regardless... I'm happy with it. This knife... even with the bond I have to it, hurts a lot. Not just literally. I... I have to accept that Sunny isn't part of my life anymore. I want him back, but... pushing him out won't help. It hasn’t helped. He hasn’t even responded to me... calls, knocking, even me yelling at his door. It’s so... painful." Kel was hurt by those words as well. He did similar things, but had slowly gave up. He wanted to pull Sunny out of his house, even if he didn't want to. But... he'd let him. He wanted Basil dedicated to him. Getting rid of that knife, and not pushing him, would do that.

"Yeah... that's probably good. I feel the same, but I still miss him." Basil nodded.

"I do too." He looked at it for a bit.

"I'll wait awhile to try it. My leg needs to heal a bit, and I'm thinking about stopping on my stomach, for a couple reasons. I don't want to go too deep there and have something bad happen, cause it’s dangerous. I only like doing my right thigh, too, cause I’m right handed. It hurts a lot more on my stomach as well." Kel agreed with the dangerous part. Basil looked uneasy before looking at his bag.

"Oh! I have one more thing. I forgot about them, since they’re so small. They're kinda cheap, but they're funny." Basil grabbed a crinkly sounding bag, ripping it open. He pulled them out. Sweatbands. They each had a silly monster face embroidered into them. Dang. It wasn’t even October and they had Halloween stuff? Well, Kel liked Halloween. The candy he got was one of the first things he binged on. Well, this year he would stretch it out a lot longer.

"Oh, I like those!" One was even orange. Man, Kel loved orange. The other was black. They would match his basketball outfit so well.

"Yeah... I just thought they would look cute on you, like a bracelet." Basil handed them over. Fuzzy.

"Bracelets." Kel looked down at his wrist.

"What... do you think about what Hero said? With the bracelets? Would you wear one, if you had one?" Basil grabbed the bunny closer.

"I'm... not sure. I wouldn't feel comfortable with everyone knowing... I don’t like eyes being on me." Kel agreed.

"Me either. I'd want more of, like, a friendship bracelet. Matching, like our pins." Kel touched the leaves for a second before he slid the black wristband onto his right hand, inside out. He didn't want to see the face, even if Basil picked it out. It was too immature, even if he liked it. He looked at it, turning his wrist over. Basil stared at his other wrist. He looked at his eyes. Kel froze, looking at him. He looked... deranged. He held up the knife.

"I... I have an idea."

Chapter Text

Idiot. Stupid, stupid idiot. Hero felt so crappy about himself. He thought so much wrongly, pissed Basil off, and hurt Kel. He was so mad at himself. He couldn't just shut up his stupid mouth and ran on about things they weren't even thinking about. Hero always just assumed things. Overthought. He needed to stop doing it. He needed to stop hurting people. He paced around the kitchen as his brownies baked, even if he knew they'd flatten. He wasn't sure they'd even come out right, anyways. Replacing the sugar wasn't a perfect ratio, and he knew the stevia was sweeter, so he had to put some sugar in it anyways. If he didn't tell Kel, he'd eat more, so he decided he wouldn't say anything.

He was so worried about Kel. 600 calories wasn't enough. Hero's own lunch was twice that amount, and he was already getting hungry again himself. Kel was almost a bottomless pit for food, so him refusing to eat was extremely concerning to Hero. He seemed out of it, panicked, agitated, and sadder than usual. He knew he didn't feel good about himself, and that he had binged the other day, but he still hadn't eaten enough food. He had even tripped on the stairs, from what Hero assumed to be dizziness, and after that he said that he threw up his food. Twice. That never happened. Maybe he was sick? Fall tended to be flu season in Faraway. But he couldn't say anything. He couldn't force him. He needed to stop hurting both of them, even if it hurt him to stay silent. He forced himself to sit and calm down. He leaned on one hand, holding the other up, looking at it.

No one knew he did this. It was subconscious, most of the time, but he needed to do something else with his hands. There were already too many dishes in the sink, and he was too tired. He couldn't cook anymore, and researching things for Kel wouldn't benefit either of them anymore, since he refused to try therapy. Books were too much to focus on. Just a little bit. Hero couldn't push him anymore. His parents did it to himself with school, and it stressed him beyond belief. If it were his choice, he'd drop out and start working. He didn't want to be a doctor. He didn't want anything.

Hero brought his hand to his hairline, combing it through. He grasped gently, looking at the hairs in his fingers before spreading them, letting the hair fall silently onto the counter. He did it again. And again. It calmed him down, seeing the hair fall gently. He'd gotten better about it, especially since he stopped pulling at his eyebrows and eyelashes, but when he wouldn't shower during the last few months, it felt the closest he could get to washing his hair. Like a cat grooming itself, licking out dead hairs. He couldn't shower in the morning since Kel was taking a bath. He couldn't be mad about it, since Hero used to have to force him to bathe more than once a week.

He did it for a few more minutes, switching sides, until the hairs stopped coming. If he pulled harder, it would hurt his skin. He learned that a couple years ago. His hair wasn't messy because it was just like that. It was messy because he constantly had to move his hands through it to soothe himself. Mari wasn't here anymore to pull his hands away, to pet his hair down and hug him, to give him gentle kisses on his hands and forehead.

He was alone.

Hero sighed, looking at the pile of hairs on the counter, locking his fingers together. He took one that looked best, with absolutely no criteria for what meant “best”, putting it in his mouth. He knew what he had. Trichotillomania. There were three types, and he was in the category of "low awareness". Most of the time he did it without thinking. He also used to have tricophagia, but he slowly stopped eating it with Mari's help. Hero didn't even notice he had a problem with it until Mari pointed out him repeatedly raking his hands through his hair and chewing on it while working on homework before finals. He pulled the hair out of his mouth, putting it on top of the pile.

"We all have a lot of problems, huh, Mari?" Hero jumped up as he heard a thud from upstairs.

"No. They're okay. Kel just tripped. He does that. He's okay." He looked down at the hair. Needed to get rid of it. He straightened them into a bundle before picking up the pile, throwing it in the trash. He used a paper towel to cover it up in the can. No one would see, or care, but Hero still was embarrassed about it. It was a weird coping mechanism, especially when he used to eat it. He rested his hand back on his head, but forced it away. More, and his scalp would start to hurt.

He should check on his brownies.

Hero glanced in the oven. Not quite there yet. Kel liked having the crispy skin on the top. He didn't just make them for Kel, though. Hero liked brownies, too. It was hard for him to make and eat meals for awhile, and sweet stuff was always the easiest thing for him, so he gained some weight from it. Kel knew how to make the box stuff, even if homemade was better. When he'd make Hero some food it was always a nice relief. Sitting on the floor at night, in their room as Kel played games, relaxing... a break from the sadness and grief.

Another thud. What were they doing up there?

...

They... they weren't fighting, were they? Hero wanted to check. He needed to let them be private. Hero kept forgetting that him and Basil were officially dating. They still just talked and looked like friends, minus the hand holding. He was put off by Basil a bit, but he didn't mind him. He'd support his brother, as long as he was safe. Basil repeatedly insisted he wouldn't hurt Kel. Kel was the same, right? He wouldn’t hurt Basil. But, then what was that noise?

"...fuck, Basil-" Hero immediately covered his ears. Lord. They were only 13. Didn't they just start dating? He didn't do anything like that with Mari. Should he... stop them? No. They were okay. He needed to mind his business. He screwed up.

He needed to leave them be.

-

"I... I have an idea." Kel fiddled with the wristband a bit more, trying to put it in the right spot to make his wrist look thinner. He settled on just leaving it. It covered his wrist up, anyways. He didn't want to know what Basil was thinking. He just needed to listen. Let him vent.

"Yeah?" Basil shifted to lay on the floor, laying on the bunny with a soft thud, propping his head up with his hand, his elbow on the floor. He wiggled his feet in the air, looking at the knife in his hand. It was only a few inches away from Kel. He felt the urge to scoot back. Basil wouldn't hurt him. It was just... scary how comfortable he was with it. He stayed put. Basil tapped the knife to his chin.

"Despite how long I've done this, I've never cut on my wrists. That's the common stereotype, but why would anyone do it there? They'd get found out instantly. But..." Basil moved the edge of the blade against his left wrist. What... what was he doing?

"I want to try it. Do you want to try with me?"

"I... I don't know. I don't... what do you mean? Isn't it dangerous right there?" Kel had thought about doing it. In the car. Just to see what it was like. He didn't understand why Basil wanted to hurt himself. But words wouldn't explain it to him.

"Well... either way, I'm gonna do it. If you want to try, just ask." Basil moved to sit up quickly, but froze, expression going blank, before going limp, falling down on his chest. Kel reached his arms out, holding his shoulders.

"Basil! Are you okay?" Basil groaned a bit, sitting himself up.

"I just got... d-dizzy. It happens. I just need some water. Later, though." Basil moved the bunny aside before reaching back, grabbing the clothes he had from last night. He spread out the shorts over his thigh before hunching over, moving the blade to his wrist. Kel wanted to reach out and pull it away. Yell at him about how it hurt to see this. Stop it.

But Basil was going to do this, regardless of what Kel did, right? He needed to support him. Simply telling him to stop wasn't a solution.

Kel still tensed up as he put the knife against his left wrist, sliding across. Basil flipped his hand over, sliding again. The first cut became a red line as he turned and swirled the knife around the sides of his wrist. Basil's expression was indescribable. Joy, fear, excitement, pain, and sadness all fell into the sunken area under his eyes and the brightness of his iris. His smile stayed. Kel looked away as he connected the ends of the circle, admiring his work.

"Fuck, Basil- I... I wish you didn't..." Kel watched. He didn't feel real. This was happening. Basil. His boyfriend. His friend, since he was 11 and Basil was 10. This... this was so wrong. Why did he just watch earlier, too? Kel looked at his own wrist, covered by the sweatband, glancing back up. Basil kept his smile, holding up his wrist as beads of blood filled up the line before slowly running down. His smile looked no different from when he'd reassure Kel on the picnic blanket after he was a bit too loud, saying everything would be okay. The same as when everyone would be together, laying under the sun, eating watermelon. Exactly the same as when Basil and Kel would sit together in Basil's room, going back and forth, talking for hours.

"It's so pretty... it's not bleeding a lot, though. It's harder to do than on my legs and stuff, since there’s no fat here. But... Kel! It's okay. It only hurts for a little bit. We'll match. It's proof of our love. Aren't you curious about it? You must have to wonder what it feels like, just a little bit, I mean... you watched me so closely earlier." He was scared. Is this how Basil felt? Hearing Kel rant about how much he wanted to be skinny? How much he hated himself? It was terrifying.

"I..." He moved his fingers to wrap around his left wrist. Only the longest ones fit around. He hated it. He looked as Basil wiped up some of the blood with his shorts, looking at the wound.

"You don't have to yet. I need to hurry up and go, anyways... my grandma needs me to make dinner. She's usually at church most of the day on Sundays, and gets tired pretty easily." Yet? He expected Kel to do it? Kel just nodded, seeing Basil wrap the shorts around his wrist. He was mad. Mad that he even thought this was a good idea.

"How are you even gonna hide it?" Basil thought for a second.

"I don't care if people find out anymore. You're the only thing I need. Besides, I have this hoodie! It's so comfy..." Basil buried his face in the collar before he pulled the sleeve up to his elbow, reaching for the bandaids. They were multiple sizes, and he pulled out the largest one. Kel looked at the floor. If he didn’t do it, he wouldn’t have to care about that. Crazy. He had to be crazy. Even if he had problems, even if he hurt himself, doing something like this wasn’t rational in the slightest.

"I... guess. But you should cover it until it's healed, at least, so you don't get reported or sent away or whatever. So..." He held out his other wristband.

"Use this. We'll... ‘match’ until I'm ready." Why'd he say match? That was one of the worst words he could say to him. Basil nodded, smiling. Kel didn't know if he would do it. But he didn't want to disappoint him. He didn't like saying no, as crazy as the entire situation was. Kel didn’t want to be a disappointment anymore.

"Alright!" Basil took it, opening the bandage. Purple. Kel was still put off by his behavior. He seemed too excited about sharing it. After he told Kel he lied, all of his shame and hesitation about this was gone. Kel sometimes got excited before his binges, and he was proud of himself for starving earlier, but Basil was more concerning. It would take months before Kel was thin enough to be sent to the hospital, and days of starving before he passed out. He tripped earlier, but he was stupid and stood on the wrong part of his foot. It was unintentional. Basil was digging the knife in just light enough to not hit veins.

Kel couldn't say anything. He looked happy. He knew it was wrong. But he wanted to let Basil have fun, as fucked up as it was. He must have been sad for so long, with the way his room looked. His plants were suffering, too.

He could make him happy.

He reached out, grabbing the knife from the floor. Basil looked at him expectantly, holding the fabric on his wrist. Kel expected the knife to be heavier. He looked again, checking. Basil did it to his left. Basil was right handed.

He should do his right.

He moved the knife to his wrist, holding the blade around an inch away. He looked down at it. Kel felt his heart racing, bringing the blade closer. It was dangerous. What if he went too deep? He could die. There was a small amount of Basil's blood still on it, shimmering slightly. He was gonna do it. He was going to cut himself. Kel touched the blade to his skin, but couldn't force himself to press it in. He was still scared. He still didn't want to hurt himself. He just wanted to understand Basil.

"Ah, hesitation... it happened to me when I was clean for awhile. Your body knows it doesn't want to be hurt, even if your brain says otherwise. If you close your eyes, it's less scary. Oh, and the blade isn't too sharp, so you have to angle it like this-" Basil wrapped the fabric around his arm before moving over, moving Kel's hands. He made his hand into a fist, but Basil loosened his fingers. It made the area flatter as his tendons relaxed. He tilted the blade to lay closer to his skin. Kel stared at a small scar on his wrist from when he messed up trying to shave himself in the 6th grade. It burned so badly when he stuck his hand into the hot water of the bath, filled with soap.

"And you just... slide, quickly. It hurts less if you go quicker. It’s scarier, but you’ll feel so good afterwards."

He looked at the part of his wrist where he dripped hot glue on his skin, trying to fix a fish he made out of clay in the 2nd grade. Kel yelped so loud when it dripped down onto his skin. No one even heard, despite his tears. He almost never got caught doing anything bad. His mom was mad when she found out that he broke yet another thing in their house, but she only found out because Kel let her. Being yelled at was better than being ignored.

"It'll only hurt a bit, I promise."

Kel didn't love his body. He didn't even like it. He was trapped in it. No one could really see him. They just saw a stupid little fat kid, running around, not a care in the world. Stupid. That wasn't him. He was sensitive, attentive, caring, loving... everything that no one could see. He could never escape it. He could change, but it would never be enough. He knew it.

Basil held his arm.

He hated this body.

No one ever noticed.

They'd have to notice this.

Kel squeezed his eyes shut, pressing down, sliding the knife. It stung. It itched. It hurt. It burned. He winced a bit, taking a sharp inhale before looking. The wound was white before slowly filling with blood. He relaxed his hand again, processing it.

"Oooh! That was deep. Wow, I can almost see the veins right there... pretty. Your skin is darker than mine, so I thought it would look different underneath, but it's the same! White... I like getting to that layer. Going deeper hurts too much. Dangerous on this spot, too. It's so, so pretty... you're handling the pain so well for your first time, too." Kel just stared at him, but looked as the blood filled the cut and formed a bead, sliding down the side of his wrist. He balled his hand up before releasing it, making the blood run quicker. He still didn't understand why Basil enjoyed this. It hurt. How was it a release? He'd have to hide it for weeks before it faded. It would never go away.

He couldn’t take it back.

Might as well finish it.

Kel flipped his hand over, pressing the same way, sliding. It wasn't as deep, and it hurt less than the first. He did the sides quickly, seeing Basil move over his shorts to catch his blood before it dripped into his carpet. Kel put the knife down on top of them as Basil handed him 2 similarly sized bandaids as the one he used. Kel put one on top and one on the bottom, green and blue, looking at it in silence as Basil hummed a song, looking at his own wrist. They did that. He really did that.

"Basil... what's wrong with us?" Basil looked at him. Still innocent and cute. Why was he like that? Kel was terrified. Why did they do this? He regretted it. He regretted it so much. Basil took his hands, resting Kel's hands to sit in his own.

"A lot. But I don't care... this is so cute. We match!" No, it wasn't. It was disturbing and unhealthy. What happened to Basil? What happened to himself?

"We're bonded forever. Matching. Our pins, our clothes, our wrists... we'll be together forever."

Chapter Text

Basil pulled on his own wristband before doing Kel's for him. Kel had no words anymore. He nodded silently, watching as Basil neatly folded up his now-bloodied clothes. He went too under the surface. There was no escaping this. He was stuck with Basil. He sighed, putting his hands in his lap, bringing up the wristband to his eye level.

"Hiding this from Hero is gonna be a pain in the ass." Basil nodded.

"It... probably, yeah. But we'll get through it. I can back you up, and you can back me up." Kel didn't feel good about that. He was at home most of the time after he came back from school, or he was at the park. Basil could only help him and he could only help back when they were around each other.

"Kel? You're quiet. You okay?" Obviously he wasn't. He just cut himself. He was making himself throw up. He had nothing that made him happy. Food didn't. People didn't. It was all lies.

"Just... thinking." Basil grabbed the bunny and held it up to him, squeezing it.

"If you're sad, I'll be sad." Kel groaned in his throat in annoyance. He didn't wanna be around Basil anymore. He was mad he did that to himself, and that Basil simply encouraged it. Kel would never encourage Basil to starve himself or make himself puke. He went too far.

"Come onnnn..." He groaned louder. Basil brought it closer, him and the bunny both staring at Kel with big and expectant eyes. Kel sighed, snatching it quickly, hugging it to his chest, pouting. Basil continued to smile at him.

"Better?" Kel looked down to his hands again.

"I guess... I'm just... sad. It helps, but it doesn't get rid of it." Basil crawled over, sitting next to him, hugging his legs. Kel's thighs and stomach never let him do that; he tried before, in the same way Sunny always did at their picnics. Even when he was thinner, he could never bring his legs flat enough to his chest to sit comfortably. He moved to do it, but stopped. He didn't want to see if he could. If he could, he'd just... accept it. Sunny was also always very thin, like Mari, minus the baby fat in his face. So if Kel could sit like that, did it mean he was thin? He wasn't. He didn't want an excuse to accept himself. If he couldn't do it, he'd feel even crappier about himself. He put his legs back to sit criss-cross.

"It doesn't go away. Something... is always around you. Something bad. It only goes away for me sometimes."

"That's depressing." Basil pat his back twice.

"It'll be okay. I'm here for you." Kel pat him back. Basil did it again.

"Pat pat..."

"Pat pat!" Kel smiled a little.

"Aha! I got you to smile!" Kel forced it down.

"No you didn't. I did no such thing." Basil shook his shoulder.

"Why can't you just be happyyyyy....?" He shrugged.

"'Cause you haven't kissed me yet." Both of them blushed. He said it.

"We... I mean, if you want to, I will." Kel chuckled.

"I was just... joking... a little. We should take it slower. Hang out and talk a bit more, before we get into all the lovey dovey couple stuff... it's only been 24 hours." Basil sat back on his hands, looking at the window.

"I'm still not used to going outside. We should find somewhere to hang... out." Kel could tell he regretted saying hang. He didn't want to push him. He ignored it.

"Yeah, we should... but, do you remember when we were younger, and we'd talk in your room for hours? You'd tell me about all of our flowers, and about how they all needed different things, and all your books and stuff... then when you were out of things to talk about, I'd go on and on about tons of different things. Like, Captain Spaceboy comics you'd missed, or weird things you can do with soda cans, or whatever Hector had been up to recently... I miss those talks. I miss a lot of things." Basil looked down at his lap.

"Yeah. I do, too. So many things are messed up. I miss our friend group. It's so hard. I want to... give up, sometimes." Kel sighed in his mind. He knew what that really meant.

"We should do that again. If we're at your house, we won't have to deal with Hero. I don't know about your grandma, though." Basil put his hand on Kel's thigh. He considered moving away, since he could feel all of the fat there, but Kel liked the warmth of his hand, so he let him. He had to be comfortable around Basil. He knew Basil. If he couldn't be with him, he couldn't be with anyone.

"She needs to sleep a lot. We'll be fine over there. There's actually something I was thinking about showing you, at my house. It's not too big, but... I think it'd be fun for us." Kel glanced at him.

"What is it?" Basil moved his finger up to his lips, smiling.

"It's a secret!" Kel leaned back on his hands like Basil.

"Man... I don't like secrets." Basil laughed nervously.

"Me either, but sometimes they're for the best. Like this." Kel looked at Basil before he felt him grab his hand, pulling it up, kissing the back of it gently. Kel felt butterflies in his stomach, blushing. He laughed nervously. He felt a like a princess, ready to be escorted to a ball. Kel wanted to be the one making Basil blush and melt down with kisses, not the other way around.

"You're so cute. It's funny..." He quickly turned and pulled Basil's shoulder, pecking a kiss on his cheek. It felt nice. His skin was warm and soft.

"UWAH! Kel!" Kel smiled at him, throwing the bunny at his face softly. Basil caught it and hugged it, squeezing his eyes shut, laying on his back.

"We kissed each other! Yeah!" Kel felt accomplished. It wasn't on the lips, but it was good.

"I'm so embarrassed... aaaaaagh..." Basil let the bunny sit on his stomach, hiding his face in his hands. Kel crawled over, pulling on one of his hands.

"Come on, let me see you!" Basil shook his head, pulling his hands back.

"NO! I'll die... wwaaaa..." Kel snorted, sitting next to him. He felt better about what had happened. Basil wasn't a bad person. He was just... lost. Kel would try to help him see the way, with time.

"Fine. I don't want that. So, I'll just sit here, ignoring you, until you're ready to face me like a man." He glanced every few seconds until Basil moved his hands away, looking up. Kel leaned over, looking him in the eyes, as his blush returned.

"Kel?"

"Basil."

"Uh..." Kel brushed back his bangs from his forehead.

"Much better. Now I can see your cute face. Much, much better." He nodded, satisfied with his work of making Basil a mess.

"I wouldn't want to see my face..." Kel huffed.

"I love your face! It's very cute, and very kissable. Y'know what?" Kel turned, looking down. Basil waited, staring up at him, still red. Kel grabbed the bunny, making Basil look down, before he leaned over and kissed his forehead. Warm. He smiled when Basil made a cute noise, moving his hands back up to cover his face. Kel stopped him before he could, moving and kissing all over his face, over and over again.

"Kel! Stop it! It tickles! Eheh..." Kel stopped on his forehead again, smiling against his skin. Both of them froze quickly, hearing a knock.

"Hey, guys? Brownies are done. They need to cool off still, but I think Basil should get home soon. No pressure, just saying." Kel sighed, sitting up. Right. Hero was here.

"Okayyyy... we were just having fun." Kel ran his hands through Basil's bangs, looking at the door, waiting for Hero's footsteps to disappear. He turned to the window. It was already almost dark. Were they really talking that long? They only got back around 4. Basil sighed too, sitting up.

"I just wanna be with you forever. I don't want this happiness to end." Kel looked down.

"Me either. But it's what we have to do. We should get all your stuff together." Kel moved over, grabbing the bags as Basil hummed a little song, wiggling his feet with the bunny. Cute. He stuck a few in each other to save for trash before grabbing his clothes, sticking them in. Basil could take care of it. He put the bandaids in before he grabbed the boxcutter, pausing.

"Basil. If I give you this, you have to promise me something." He stopped humming.

"Yeah?"

"Two things, actually." Basil stayed silent.

"You can't hurt anyone else, and you can't try to kill yourself. I don't know what I'd do if you died." He stayed still, looking at it. He probably shouldn't even let him have it, especially when he wasn't around. But Kel had to trust him. He wasn't a nurse or whatever, restraining Basil in a straight jacket. That's not what he needed to get better. That wasn't what anyone needed.

"O-oh... yeah. I..." Kel waited. Basil didn't say anything else.

"Please. I can tell you've had thoughts like that. That one scar on your stomach tells me enough." He looked at Basil. He was looking down in shame.

"I... yeah. I already have had one attempt. It... wasn't long after the day of the recital. My grandma found me, in my room, and brought me to the hospital. That's when I was locked up for a week. I don't want that to happen again." Kel looked at the things in the bag.

"I don't blame you. After seeing that, I'd be terrified. You were only 12, too." Basil sighed, hugging his knees again.

"Yeah... It was there when I did it. I still... see it sometimes." He put the boxcutter in, slowly.

"Like... around? I don't think anyone else did it?" It wasn't like anyone else had hung themselves in Faraway. What did he mean?

"Y-yeah. Mainly in the dark... and when I'm alone... it... something surrounds me. A-and... I feel like I can't escape it without... without hurting m-myself." Kel paused.

"Like a... ghost or something?" Basil shook his head.

"No... it's... I know what it is. It's just a hallucination. But... w-when I'm in it... when something is around... it feels real. Like something's gonna eat me." Kel put the things down, turning to face him.

"You keep saying 'something'... do you mean... Mari?" Basil shook his head quickly. Kel could feel that he was getting more anxious. He'd have to stop soon.

"N-no... it's... it's the thing that killed her." He fidgeted with the wristband.

"Depression?" Basil paused, looking towards the floor.

"Y-yeah... that. It won't leave me alone, either." Kel made a sound of acknowledgment, tying the bag up, bringing it over. It sounded like a lie, but it's not like it was. He probably just didn't want to talk about it anymore.

"Well... we'll work on it." He stood up, Basil doing the same. They turned towards each other, making eye contact, before looking away.

"Sooo..."

"Um..."

"I'll see you tomorrow. At school, I mean... right?" Kel needed him. Basil nodded.

"I'll try to come, but it'll be hard. You still take the bus?" Kel moved the bag a little.

"Yeah. My parents are too busy to drive me anymore." Basil looked down at the floor again.

"Sucks. But... we can sit together, right?" Kel nodded excitedly. It would be awesome. Holding hands under one of their backpacks, sitting in the leather seats, sleepy in the cold morning air, as the bus roared under them and all the other kids blurred into background noise. Man... he wanted to experience everything with Basil. Good and bad. He still felt disturbed about their wrists, but... it was another thing they did together. Another memory. Another thing in common.

"Of course we can!" Basil smiled, blushing a bit.

"I'm looking forward to that."

"Me too!" Basil chuckled a bit.

"You know, Kel... even though a lot of bad things have happened, I'm glad you're still here for me. People... they tend to get overwhelmed and leave me. Especially when I get... how I was. I don't know. I just do that sometimes. I know I'm too much, sometimes. I get too excited over bad things." Kel looked away again. He didn't really know what that meant, but Basil's enthusiasm for Kel cutting himself felt a bit too much to be considered healthy or normal, even if his brain was kind of fucked up. At least he was aware of it.

"Yeah... me too. I'm kinda loud and annoying sometimes..." Basil grabbed his free hand.

"I don't think you're annoying. Loud, yes... but I like hearing you talk and seeing you passionate. It calms me down... especially when you get excited about things. It makes me really happy. It helps me feel normal."  Kel looked at Basil, blushing again.

"I... thank you. I um... should I walk you out, or..." Basil laughed, putting his hand on Kel's shoulder.

"No, silly. You don't have to. I'm just down the street."

"But... I wanna be formal and nice... that's what they do, right? After you have a date you bring them home and hug and... kiss... and then leave..." Basil waved his hand.

"Aha... you don't have to do all that. I can get home fine by myself."

"I want to, though! Also-" Kel reached down, grabbing the pedometer, shaking it in the box.

"Steps." Basil chuckled.

"If you really insist... I guess it's okay." Kel grinned at him.

"Oh, wait... I should probably weigh myself first. All I had was that salad today, so the food weight won't really matter." Kel felt a bit of anxiety, but pushed it down. He didn't have to see his. It was okay.

"Sounds good."

Chapter Text

"Kel! Basil needs to go home. Mom said he needs to leave." Kel frowned at the same time as Basil. He walked to the door, opening it just a bit.

"Okay! He's gonna just weigh himself and then I'll walk him home, alright?" Kel waited with the door cracked before hearing Hero run up the stairs. He walked over to the door, knocking before opening it wider. The boxcutter was covered. It was fine. Kel still handed it over to Basil, who held the bag behind his back.

"Hi. Sorry, I just wanted to weigh myself too. Sorry if I'm... intruding..." Kel was confused by his tone, but was glad he was being patient with them. He flipped on the light, making Basil and Kel squint their eyes.

"Sorry again. Just got dark in here." Kel huffed, patting his head roughly a few times before ruffling his hair. Hero smiled nervously, letting him.

"Stop apologizing. It's okay." Hero opened his mouth, but stopped. Basil walked over and picked up the bag with the scale, putting down the other one, walking back.

"We should go in the bathroom, right?" Hero nodded.

"Yeah. Floor is smoother, so it'll be more accurate. I'll go first, if that's okay." Both of the younger boys nodded before Hero smiled reassuringly at Kel, leaving to go into the bathroom. Kel looked back at Basil.

"Gonna be honest, I can't see my weight. If I do, I'm gonna be worse than I am now. I know it's going to be too high in my mind regardless of what it actually is. So... if you don't want me to hear or see yours, I won't. I know how it feels. I am curious, though. You're so thin... and it's fucked up, but I'm really jealous about it. I'm mad I let myself get this way in the first place. I wish I was still skinny." Basil looked at his eyes. He looked sad.

"I understand. Just... it's okay. We went through a lot. You did what you had to get through it, just like I did. My scars are the result of my actions, and... I guess that your weight is yours. Mine too, a bit. We'll get through this, okay? I believe in you." Basil smiled softly, walking closer. He put his free hand on Kel's cheek. He stood on his tiptoes, kissing his forehead. Kel felt ready to explode and squeal and blush and scream. Basil's hands were cold, just like he expected, but they were really soft and smooth on his face, too.

"Mm... yeah. It's gonna be hard." Basil nodded. They both knew life was hard. It had been for almost a year. Kel needed Mari for guidance, and Basil needed Sunny for support. They lost both of them, even if Sunny was still alive. They walked out, locking their fingers once again. It felt natural to Kel, like their hands were made for each other. He loved Basil. So much. He couldn't even express it properly, or put it into words, even in his head. He'd never pictured himself with him as a kid. They had fun and spent time together, but Kel was never interested in romance or other people, really. Closest he got to romance was making fun of Aubrey for having cooties. Kel was always focused on other things. Toys, messing with Aubrey, hanging out with Sunny, chilling with Hero, tv, food...

Kel still loved food. It would be okay. Once he was thin enough, he could eat what he wanted every once in awhile. He'd just have to control himself. If it failed, he had an easy way out. Maybe he could restrict himself, but give himself a binge day, every once in awhile. That would make it manageable. He pushed the door to the bathroom open, seeing Hero waiting near the sink. Basil let go of his hand,

Kel stood against the wall. He kept his arms crossed, watching as Hero and Basil opened the scale up. Kel felt his heart race a bit. He was nervous, even if he wasn't going to weigh himself.

123. That was the last weight Kel had logged in his brain. He was exactly 5 feet tall, but had grown a few inches since then. He was taller than Basil now. That didn't matter. He was still overweight. If he was still that short, he'd look even fatter. He moved his hands to his sides, feeling the outside part of his thigh. Gross. He wanted it off of him. He glanced down, tracing a line with his finger. Slice it off, right there, and he'd look great. He wrapped his fingers around his wrist, behind his back. Once he could use his shorter fingers, he'd be satisfied. He didn't want to be too thin. Not quite like Basil. Just... a bit bony and lanky, with some muscles in his arms and stomach. Just like Hero.

Kel didn't know his weight. The last height he knew for him was around 5'7, but Hero had gotten taller with Kel, too. What was healthy for that height? Like, 140? Kel had no idea. He just wanted a good, even number to aim for. He didn't know what that number would look like on him. His previous weight was a start. Maybe... round it down a little bit. 120 pounds. That was a good goal for Kel. It felt clean, even and realistic.

"Alright. Here we go." Kel looked up. Oh, Hero was about to get on. He walked over, standing next to Basil as he watched the number change.

"Dang. Haha... that's a lot more than I expected. My clothes probably weigh like a pound, though." Hero stepped off, looking at the number. 171.5. Woah. Kel smirked a little bit at it. It was hard to notice, since Hero usually wore big clothes, but Kel did know he had gained some weight. Ha. He wasn't alone. That number was pretty high. But... he still didn't look fat. Kel did. He was a lot taller than Kel and Basil, but he still looked good, even at that weight. Unfair. Kel wished he was taller.

"It's okay. I know you had a tough time. I'm glad you're okay, despite everything." Kel nodded, agreeing between them as the number disappeared, resetting. He walked and stood behind Basil as Hero backed up. Basil walked over to it, pausing with his foot over.

"I'm... it's gonna be bad." He stepped on. Kel wanted to look away, so Basil wouldn't feel bad, but he had to know.

"Oh my gosh, Basil..." Kel looked, seeing his facial expression twist up in shock. He looked down at the scale.

87.2.

"That... no. Really? No..." Basil stepped back, waiting for the number to turn off, before going back on. Still 87.2. That was extremely low. Kel hadn't been that weight since he was 10. It was almost half of Hero's.

"Jeez... Basil, it's okay. I know things have been hard." Basil sighed.

"Eating is just... it's really hard for me. Even when I have food, I just... I think too much about other things." Kel wished he was that way instead. When he was upset, all he thought about was food.

"Well... it'll be okay. You're gonna be going to school, right? I'm sure being around Kel will help you eat some more." Kel was rubbed the wrong way with that comment, but he allowed it. It wasn't like he would shove food in Basil's face because he sometimes ate more than most people. Stupid.

"Y-Yeah. I'll be going. It's gonna be difficult... it's been awhile since I've been around people." Hero pat his head.

"Kel will be there, and I'm here if you need me, too. I would offer to give you some of the food since I'm gonna make for Kel's lunches, but we have to kind of space it all out. We’re still saving up for college, and since I’m going after this semester, we gotta cram it a bit.” Basil smiled a bit.

"I... that's okay. It's not about not having food. School is important." Hero moved his hand away, looking at Kel.

"If I do make your food by the way, Kel, you can't forget it here in the morning. I have to leave early in the morning with Mom because I have a zero hour. I know you hate waking up early." Kel scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"God, I'm not that lazy or stupid. I'll remember it." Hero had a zero hour class? Shit. Kel's mom left for work at 6. School started at 7:30. That must suck. Hero sighed, looking sad, before smiling.

"We can do this, alright?" Basil put his arms up excitedly.

"Yeah! Healthy living, or... something..." Kel snorted. Cute. Basil looked at him.

"Okay, now I have to hug you, because you seem mad." Basil held his arms out to the side. Kel looked away.

"I'm not mad, I'm just-" Basil walked closer to him.

"Come on... I know you want a hug." Kel held his glare before relaxing, putting out his arms. Basil helped Kel keep his emotions in check, a lot of the time, even before Mari died. When Hero and Mari weren't around, he'd always stop him from going too far with Aubrey. He closed his eyes, waiting, before feeling the air squeeze out of his lungs. Basil hugged him extremely tightly, rubbing his face into his shoulder, making him wince in pain. Kel quickly pushed him off.

"Okay, no, you can't hug me like that again. How the heck are you so skinny but still strong as hell?" Basil shrugged.

"I'm not that strong, I don't think. I could barely lift that scale earlier. Maybe... maybe cause I just love you a lot, so it gave me extra energy or something. I did run around a bit earlier with no problem, too. Hm... when... that day..." Basil thought, looking a bit anxious.

"Adrenaline? From fear? This time it was excitement, though..." He laughed nervously. Hero and Kel shrugged in sync.

"Probably. You seemed kind of... desperate to leave, earlier." Basil looked away, annoyed.

"Yeah... you kept refusing to let me l-leave." Kel looked between them. They both looked angry and refused to make eye contact. Kel could see Hero holding his anger back, arms crossed. That was a common sign that he was pissed. He'd always lecture Kel about things while standing just like that. Basil showed his emotions very easily. Furrowed eyebrows, slightly narrowed eyes, and his lips were usually pressed together tightly. Hero usually just had a slight change in his eyes. Hero sighed, dropping his arms.

"Yeah, I was. Sorry. I'm not trying to argue with you, please remember that." Basil glanced at him, looking away again quickly.

"Yeah. Whatever." Kel smiled at Hero nervously before grabbing Basil's hand, pulling him out the bathroom.

"I'll back in a bit! Gotta walk Basil home!" Kel pulled him back into the bedroom.

"I'm still really mad at him, by the way." Basil leaned against the wall, crossing his arms.

"I am, too, but I don't like you two fighting. We should just go." Basil paused before nodding. Kel smiled reassuringly, grabbing his bag for him. He winced a bit, feeling the skin pull due to the cut on his wrist. How did Basil walk with his legs like this? Sit? Lay down? Move? He must feel this pain all the time, if not worse.

"I'll carry this, if that's alright." Basil nodded again, still looking away.

"Are you... mad at me?" Basil sighed through his nose.

"No... I'm just... I'm mainly mad at m-myself. I wish things turned out better. I wish I did better." Kel came over, patting his shoulder.

"There's nothing we can really do about it now. It's okay." Basil relaxed, closing his eyes.

"I'm just... I'm tired. I'm always so, so tired." Kel moved his hand away.

"I know how you feel. I used to have so much energy... and now I'm just... blegh. I know 'blegh' isn't really an emotion, but you know what I mean, right?" Basil smiled a little.

"Yeah. I'm 'blegh' too." Kel grinned at him.

"Come on, let's go."

Chapter Text

Kel peaked out of the door, Basil's right hand in his left, once again. He stepped out, pulling Basil along with him. He turned towards him.

"Alright, my mom should be in the kitchen, so if we're quiet enough, we can-"

"KEL! Come down here!" Kel sighed, slumping a bit. Mom was back.

"Of course... she always says she has 'excellent hearing', but only when I'm trying to be sneaky does it work. When I need something, she always just ignores me." Basil laughed a little.

"My grandma's like that sometimes. You just gotta get close to talk, so she'll see you and be forced to talk, then you just do things you don't want her to see at night." Kel raised his eyebrows at him, but kept walking with him down the stairs. Basil went a bit slower than Kel wanted, but he waited for him. He slipped earlier, so it was probably good for him to not rush down so fast. Man.... Basil helped Kel a lot. He did and said some sketchy things, but the benefits outweighed the negatives. Basil could help him. Kel wished there were no negatives, but Basil always was an anxious and worried mess. It was just his nature, even though it had gotten significantly worse.

"Yeah?" Kel stopped by the doorway to the living room, glancing at their hands. He wanted to let go. He was still scared of his mom judging them, even if he knew she was okay with them being together. Kel shook his head. They needed to get used to this. He wanted to be proud to be with Basil. To his surprise, Basil let go, staying put at the doorframe.

"I don't... I know your mom doesn't like me." Kel sighed. She didn't. He knew she didn't care about Kel not being straight, from what they talked about, but he knew she didn't like him with Basil because he was mentally ill. Well, Kel was, too, even if she ignored it. She'd just have to get used to it. Kel quickly grabbed his hand. Basil made a confused noise as he was dragged into the kitchen.

Kel looked at her, moving a ball of dough between her hands. Kel got excited. Arepas! She didn't make them a lot, but Kel really liked them. Crispy outside... chewy inside... salty cheese.... maybe he could eat one. Tomorrow, though. He could wait, even if they were better fresh. Kel still felt weird seeing her. She paused, looking at their hands for a moment before going back to the dough, plopping it into a bowl. Hero's brownies were sitting on the counter near the fridge. He wanted them. Not now. Not today. Kel felt Basil's hand sweating, but kept eye contact with her, even if she didn't look at him. She never looked at Kel for more than a second, unless she was lecturing him.

"So... I wanted to just ask something real quick before you bring Basil home. Do you know when basketball tryouts are? Assuming you still want to do it. I hope you do." Kel glanced away. He was still too nervous to challenge her like he wanted to. He did want to play, but he didn't like the pressure, like he had to.

"Well... I missed that meeting, but I'm gonna talk to the coach tomorrow. They're probably sometime next week." His mom dusted the flour on her hands off over the sink.

"Probably isn't good enough. Tell me tomorrow. I'm off at 9:30." Kel sighed. He didn't like staying up that late.

"Okay. I will." Basil nudged him. Kel looked. He could tell what his expression said. Yell at her. Tell her. Stop it before it gets bad. Kel looked at the floor, vision blurry. There were no tears. He was tired of doing this, but it was always easiest. There was no point in fighting. She wouldn't change.

"U-um, Mrs. Herrera?" Kel let go of his hand, looking at him desperately. Don't do this. Please don't do this. Basil looked determined, but looked back at Kel for a moment. His face softened.

"Yeah, Basil?"

"I... thank you for today. I don't know how to be normal anymore, and it helps to remember what it's like to be around people. Thank you for all the stuff, too." She glanced at Basil before going back to her cooking.

"Yeah. Of course. Let me know if you ever need anything." She never said that for Kel. Of course. He didn't look sick. His mom always said to their relatives that Kel having a big appetite was healthy. It wasn't, at least now. Of course she wouldn't care about him binge eating, as long as it didn't inconvenience her. Kel clenched his hand into a fist. It was so frustrating. He was always mad or disappointed in her. All he wanted was for her to give a shit. She never did. He hated her.

Kel sighed as he felt Basil tug on his shirt. Right.

"I'm gonna walk Basil home now." Kel turned around, grabbing his hand again, starting to walk out. His mom called after him for him to hurry because of the dark. He ignored her words. He didn't care. He'd take his time and she'd deal with it. It didn't matter if he was home or not anyways. It wasn't like she talked to him or did anything with him. What was the point in him even being there? Stupid. It was all stupid. He stayed silent, looking up at the sky and roofs of houses as he walked with Basil. The crickets were chirping extra loud tonight. The sky wasn't quite dark yet, some green peaking from where the sun set. Green, to blue, to black. It would be peaceful if he wasn't so mad.

"I'm sorry. We can figure out what to do." Kel shook his head.

"It doesn't matter. She never changes for more than a couple days. It's gonna have to take something dramatic before she does or says anything meaningful." Basil looked at him, but stayed quiet. Kel stopped at the end of their street, sighing.

"Life sucks." He kicked a stray rock out into the street. Basil kept quiet like before. Kel kind of preferred it, but he wanted some comfort from him, even if he didn't say it. Basil ran his thumb over Kel's hand. Alright. They crossed the street, walking down.

"Kel. I'm having a hard time saying what I feel right now, but I don't like your mom, either. What she said at the diner was wrong, along with that just now." Kel let go of his hand, turning the corner.

"I know. It's so annoying." Basil hurried up to him.

"...did I do something wrong? You seem mad at me, too..." Yes, he was, and he did do something wrong, something really wrong, but that's not what Kel was mad about at the moment.

"No. I'm just mad about what she said. It's not you." Kel stopped in front of his house, looking at a newly added porch light, reflecting yellow light off all the shinier plants, sitting on a hook embedded in the wood. Basil stood with him, but Kel walked to the door. Basil hurried up again.

"Hey, um, maybe you shouldn't come in. Your mom will get more mad if you take long." Kel narrowed his eyes in annoyance, looking at some moss growing under a piece of the wood paneling on the house.

"I'm not. Just... this is the last spot where I can talk to you alone for awhile, at least until breakfast tomorrow." Kel put the bag down on the ground softly.

"I'm always awkward with goodbyes..." Kel shrugged.

"Me too, kinda. It feels wrong to just go 'bye!' and walk away." Basil snickered a bit.

"Mm... yeah. You used to do that; run off really quickly. It was so goofy." Kel smiled, but it fell fast.

"I miss things being simple."

"Yeah, me too, but some things are better. I mean... we're dating now. Like, for real." Kel chuckled nervously.

"Yeah. I never thought I'd end up with a guy, let-alone you. Not saying you're bad, or anything, just... it's all so complicated. Today was a crazy ass day." Basil sighed at that.

"That's one way to put it. One positive, though." Basil grinned before walking over to the moss, reaching his hand under.

"Basil, what-" Basil grabbed it. What. It wasn't moss? He walked over, still smiling. He held his hand up.

"Frog!" Kel watched the pale green frog wiggle a bit. Big black beady eyes looked back at him. Kel laughed.

"I've never seen one up here! Aw... poor little guy." Basil laughed too. Kel would see them around when his family would visit his aunts and cousins in Louisiana. It was always fun, running around and catching them, seeing who could grab the most in a time limit. Kel didn't know his cousins names, but he remembered the time they spent together at the last reunion, around 3 years ago.

"They like hanging out near the porch light, especially when it's extra humid. It's so funny. Hehe..." Basil pat its head with his finger before walking over, placing it on a leafy plant. It hopped off, but Kel was glad Basil put it down there. He liked animals a lot, just like Basil. The cats around town were hard to get along with, since they always ran away. He didn't even say hi to Hector today, with how crazy things went.

"Well..." Kel scratched behind his head. He wasn't sure what to do.

"Yeah... time to go. Just. Guess I'll leave..." Basil tiptoed to the door, glancing back at Kel. Kel grabbed the bag quickly.

"Don't forget this." Basil came back and grabbed it, looking a bit mad. It wasn't genuine, though.

"That's not what I want right now." Kel blinked at him.

"Uhhh..." Kel held his arms out. Hug?

"Nope."

"You're hard to please sometimes, y'know." Basil chuckled, walking over. Kel dropped his arms, blushing as Basil got close, dropping the bag on the ground.

"Come on... you said it. You walk me back, hug me, and then..." Kel squeaked in embarrassment. He didn't want to say it, but he had to.

"Kiss..." Basil nodded, now blushing with him.

"Mhm. We hugged earlier, though, so it’s the final step.”

"So we just..." Kel puckered his lips, but Basil put his hand over his mouth. The one that touched the frog. Kel pulled his hand away, turning and spitting a bit before wiping his mouth. Gross. Frog germs. Basil laughed, walking over to the lantern, turning it off. Wow. It was really dark now. All he could see was from one of the windows inside his house filled with orange light, barely lighting a few of the plants outside. The moon was gone, and there were no streetlights in Faraway.

"We don't need to complicate it. Come here." Kel shuffled over. Basil wrapped his arms around his back, Kel following and doing the same. Up close, he could see the yellow light reflecting in his eyes. Shiny and beautiful. Basil looked tired, but happy. It was a great improvement from everything he saw today. Yelling, crying, stress... none of that was here. Kel tilted his head to the right. Basil did the same. Kel closed his eyes and leaned in, feeling his lips brush against his. Soft, although a bit thinner than he expected. Kel pushed his head further, smiling into him. Warm. It wasn't magical or dreamy like he saw in movies. No birds flew, no fireworks went off, no orchestral music blaring. It was a simple activity between people who loved each other, extra warm, with a fuzzy feeling in his lower lip. Kel pulled back, still smiling, exhaling softly once he was away from Basil's face. Basil was smiling, too.

"W-Wow... we... we kissed. For real. I... haha..." His first kiss. Just before he turned 14. Basil moved his hands up, cupping his face. Kel didn't care about the frog germs anymore. This moment was beautiful.

"Kelsey Herrera, I love you." So cheesy. It was perfect. Two stupid and desperate teenage boys, in love, kissing in the summer silence, minus the dull buzzing cry of crickets and trees rustling gently.

"Basil Adams. I..." Kel looked away, snorting. He couldn't be dreamy or romantic like Basil probably wanted him to be. Kel could change how he looked, but not how he was. Not truly, anyways.

"I love you too, dork." Basil moved his hands away, squinting happily. He reached down for the bag, quickly going over to turn the light back on. Kel brought his fingers to his lips. It wasn't some amazing sensation, but the intimacy and closeness to him was something he'd never experienced. This was love. True, real, unholstered love.

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Basil came back, Kel moving his hand away.

"Y-yeah... eheh..." Basil reached up, tucking a piece of his hair behind his ear. Kel closed his eyes, feeling Basil kiss his face near the soft hair of his sideburn.

"Stay safe. That blood was scary earlier." Basil pulled back. Kel sighed.

"I will. You better do the same thing. Don't open that thing yet. I need to be with you if something goes wrong." Basil sputtered a bit, trying to find an excuse, but closed his eyes, slumping like he was disappointed.

"I won't." Kel put one hand on his shoulder, using the other to brush away his bangs again. Kel kissed his forehead again, rubbing the back of his neck, pressing his face against Basil's gently.

"I mean it. Please. I love you." Kel whispered, feeling tears come back into his eyes, but he blinked them down. Basil brought his hand to his back, gripping his shirt.

"I w-won't... I just won't... I-I promise." Kel tilted his head up a bit, sighing again. Basil sounded like he was about to cry. Kel was, too.

"Okay. Thank you." He pulled back, patting Basil's arms, looking at his shoes.

"I'll see you tomorrow." Basil nodded, and Kel walked down to the main sidewalk. Turning away hurt. He wanted to be with him, still. The tears were coming back. He wiped his eyes with his wristband, glancing back at Basil. Basil smiled, turning the doorknob before slipping away inside, waving his hand out the door before it closed. Kel waved back. He sighed again, trying to calm down. His arms felt shaky. He didn't like crying. He kept his eyes on the ground, walking back to the street corner where he fought with his mom yesterday. He sat on the curb, leaning on his knees. He felt his stomach scrunch up.

In the way. Always in the way.

He tried to pull his knees up to his chest. He could, but it hurt his ribs and wasn't comfortable. Kel sighed once again, laying back on the sidewalk. He wanted this sadness to end. Things didn't need to be perfect. Just better. He moved his hand down to his stomach, poking. It was mostly flat, but there were still a couple inches of fat before he could feel his organs. Too much. His stomach wasn't quite growling, but he felt the burning sense of hunger in the back of his brain. He was sick of it. He needed to be thin. Taller would be nice, too, but he couldn't control that. It wouldn't fix everything, but starting with his own self esteem would help him be confident enough to help Basil properly. Right now, it was easy to just keep up the bad habits, since they were familiar. He'd been thinking less negatively since he got back home, but it was only temporary.

Kel sighed one last time. He'd been doing it a lot, but just the small bit of extra weight had screwed up his lung capacity a bit. He just needed a reset, and taking a deep breath was what he needed most of the time. Hero made him take deep breaths when he'd cry as a kid, but it worked for other people, so he copied it. It was helpful for panicking, even if he couldn't do it earlier.

One time, around 6 months after they met, Basil was away for a couple weeks, without warning. Kel remembered how panicked Aubrey was, around a week and a half in. His grandma was gone and there was no trace he left, since they couldn't go in his house to look, obviously. Everyone was freaked out, but Aubrey had almost had a panic attack one time when they were looking around. Despite their fighting, Kel helped her calm down with deep breaths. Sunny stayed calm as well, but that was just how he usually was. Kel wished him and Mari were both here. Mari would know what to do. He regretted not taking things more seriously, especially after Basil came back. Kel joked, of course, asking "why the long face?"

His mom had died.

And Kel didn't even take him being gone seriously.

Saying Basil just went on a surprise vacation, that he would back with some new and fancy flowers, refreshed after a break. Basil came back in dirty clothes, extra tired, and extra sad.

Basil insisted he was fine, since they almost never saw each other, but it was still a shocking moment for Kel. He'd gotten more mature since then, but he still felt guilty for not being more concerned; about the situation, and Basil. He was probably already cutting at that point. He needed to grow up and get his shit together, even now. Kel propped himself on his arms and stood up, looking as a car drove up the street. He even felt bad about that. That guy in the car was probably judging him. He used to just be able to stand, even without his hands, but he was too heavy now. He literally had to flip over and push himself up, too. Not even just using his arms to get up off the curb. His legs and core weren't strong enough for him to keep balanced.

God. Kel hated everything about himself, didn't he? He was immature, stupid, fat, and in general a complete pussy. He wimped out a lot. He couldn't even go without eating for more than a couple hours, other than when he was sleeping, until last night. He wouldn't give up this time. He'd lose weight, slowly help Basil, and fix things with Sunny and Aubrey. Things would change. If they didn't... Kel wouldn't know what to do. He started walking. Kel was suddenly aware of how tired he was.

So much shit had happened.

He had a bad nightmare he couldn't quite remember, he couldn't look at himself in the bathroom, Basil had a panic attack, he fell down the stairs, his mom commented on his weight, he argued with Basil in the diner, told his mom he was dating Basil and vaguely told her about his problems with binging, Basil fought with Hero the first time, had a panic attack, cried with Basil in the bathroom, came home, threw up some blood, watched Basil cut himself, watched Basil fight with Hero a second time, watched Basil cut himself again, cut himself, almost saw Basil fight with Hero a third time... geez. Kel held up his wristband, stopping outside the house with the flamingos just before his own.

He pulled it off, looking at the bandages. They didn't cover one spot, but the band was black, so the blood it absorbed couldn't be seen. He pulled one of the bandaids up, wincing as it ripped out some of the hair on his arm. Some blood had absorbed into it, but it wasn't much. He poked it. It wasn't too deep all over, just in that one spot on the inside of his wrist. Hopefully it would disappear quickly. Kel liked the band, but he didn't like being on guard. He didn't like secrets. He stuck the bandaid back down, pulling the wristband back up, walking up to the door. Between now and tomorrow, Kel wanted it would go smoothly.

He opened the door.

Chapter Text

Kel was immediately hit by the smell of slightly burnt dough and cheese, making him regret his decision to come back home as his stomach growled. He wasn't hungry. His body was just being stupid. He had enough fat on him. It just needed to learn to use that instead. He closed the door behind him quietly, hearing water running in the kitchen. His mom wouldn't hear him. He started smiling as Hector ran over, jumping up on his legs. Kel rubbed all over his face and head, laughing as his curly tail wagged. He loved his dog. He really needed to spend more time with him. Things were just too busy and chaotic.

Ah shit. Did Kel feed him? He didn't. He forgot this morning. He was too... distracted. He walked over to his bowl, looking in. Oh, good, there were a few pieces still in there now. His mom must have gotten it for him. Hector came back over, licking the remaining pieces up from the edge. He'd have been yelling and barking all afternoon if he didn't get breakfast, so Hero must have fed him in the morning. Good. Kel didn't want him to starve, even if he was a bit overweight. His mom regularly gave him treats, along with some wet food every day. She usually gave him random stuff when she was cooking, even though human food was generally bad for him.

Did his mom see Kel as any different from their dog?

She did the same things for him. Giving him food while cooking, bribing him to feel better by promising to go out somewhere, giving him garbage like candy and chips as rewards for finishing chores... god. It was all food. She did the first thing today, too. That hurt.

Kel had a choice. He didn't have to take that stuff anymore. He could refuse. He could have before, but he just wasn't in the right headspace to. It was like how Hector would choose to eat the better quality human food, even if he just ate. He was just a dog. He scratched his head, making him stick out his tongue a bit.

"Buddy... I wish you could know." Kel squatted as Hector looked up and licked the crumbs off his nose. Kel tiptoed closer, hugging loosely around his shoulders. Hector tried to wiggle away, but Kel held it for a bit longer before letting go. He wanted a hug. Basil gave him one, but they were dating. It was expected. He pat his head before Hector laid down near the bowl, grabbing a worn out frog toy in his mouth, pulling a bit as he held it under his paw. Squatting hurt his knees. Kel stood back up. His body wasn't working right anymore. He ran out of breath too fast, his stomach and sides blocked his movements, and he was always tired. He knew depression did that, but his wasn't too bad. He could still function normally, for the most part, and go to school. It was just hard for him to lift his body up and go sometimes. He was literally and physically heavy. His problems were more than mental illness. His body wasn't healthy, either.

"I wish you could know how good you have it. You don't have to think about this stuff." Dogs didn't have eating disorders. Dogs didn't hurt themselves. They just needed to survive, run around, and play. They ate what they could get and what they needed to function. They had to work for their food.

Kel would do the same, since he was basically a dog, too. Humans were also animals. Smarter, but ultimately still just stupid animals. He needed rules to follow if he couldn't just eat normally. Train himself. He needed his notebook to write things down. His mom was in the kitchen, though. He didn't want to deal with her. If only someone else could. Hero was upstairs, or at least that's what Kel assumed. He didn't want to bother him for multiple reasons.

Wait...

He looked as Hector squeaked the toy in his mouth. Kel grabbed it, making him growl.

"Come on, I need this..." He pulled it a bit, refusing to let go, but Kel scratched the part of his ear that made his leg shake, making him relax and let go. Kel laughed, holding it up so he couldn't grab it again. He threw it across the living room, landing it just inside the kitchen entrance. Far enough. Hector looked at it, tensing up. Kel ran as he did, just into the dining room instead.

"God dammit! Get out of here! Swear to God, I'm gonna trip and die on this dog one day..." Kel looked in. Distracted. He didn't like when she yelled at him, but Hector didn't understand or feel bad about it, thankfully. He ran quickly, swiping the notebook off the counter, going back into the dining room. He saw his mom throw the toy back out, still holding a spatula, Hector running to get it. Kel came back in, patting his head. Hector dropped the toy, flopping onto his back. Kel rubbed his chest and belly.

"Thank you. Thank you so much. Good boy, yes, a very good boy indeed-" Hector smiled, panting. Kel smiled back at him. Wow. On Friday he didn't feel much better after playing with him, but today he helped a lot. Kel was still tired, but he had a goal, and could finally go to bed soon. No more food tonight. He didn't need it. He felt fine. He went up the stairs, tucking the notebook under his arm. That was yet another thing that got harder as he gained weight. Going down was fine, but going up used to be easier, and he could step up two at a time. He just did it normally now. There were no positives to being overweight, other than enjoying food freely. And maybe, like, intimidation, but Kel had a baby face and was too nice, so it's not like it worked.

Kel stopped at the top of the banister, looking in the bathroom door. It was cracked a bit. The scale was still sitting right there. He opened the notebook just a bit, seeing his scraggly and chaotic handwriting. 580. He looked at the scale. He didn't really notice any difference in his body from Saturday night to now. Just internal stuff, like his heart racing a bit faster, along with extra exhaustion. That was just stress, though.

He didn't have the number from yesterday and couldn't guess accurately either. It was low, though. A crepe was kind of like a pancake, and the frozen ones he ate were like... 300? There were two, so 600. He also liked the frozen pot roast his mom got on occasion. Those were small. 200. Multiple it, since the plate was big. 600. 1200. Not accurate. He didn't know how much stayed in him before he purged. He wanted to know, really badly. He couldn't. Hero said 1200 was the healthy limit. How much weight would he lose per week that way? Probably only a couple pounds. Ugh. Did he lose anything yet? Probably not, since his body hated him.

Kel opened the bathroom door, locking it behind him. He put down the notebook on the counter, hard, looking at the scale on the floor. Hero mentioned clothes weigh around a pound. Basil mentioned the food weight. Kel had already purged what he could. The blood definitely meant he shouldn't do it again, even if the little itch in his brain yelled that he still had too much to eat. Had to get the extra weight off that he could. He quickly stripped his shirt and pants off, throwing them on the floor, continuing to avoid the mirror. He glanced at the clothes spread out on the floor, then at the bathtub.

Wait.

How much would his underwear weigh? A pound? 2? Better safe than sorry. Kel almost looked down but stopped, closing his eyes. He didn't want to see his stomach. Other than his face, that was the worst part about him. No chances for the number being higher. He pulled his underwear off. He hated being naked. He hated it so much. He didn't like or do anything sexual, only when necessary or when he desperately needed to relax. Being naked wasn't enjoyable. Anyone nearby could see everything wrong with him.

The only time he wasn't wearing anything or hiding himself was when he took a bath. He used to sleep without a shirt some of the time, usually just in his underwear, but as he started binging more, even that was too vulnerable for him. Because, what if the blanket slipped? Hero would see him. See how disgusting and ugly he was. There was no reason for him to not have a shirt on at all times. One time when everyone went swimming, his shorts were too loose and fell a bit, and Aubrey started making fun of the mole on his butt. He laughed it off, but he didn’t like that she saw him. He didn’t want anyone to.

Kel locked the door, but he was still worried. Hero probably knew some way to open the door. No risks. He walked to the bathtub, pulling the small and somewhat sheer curtain closed above the window, moving back to the door, shoving his shirt from earlier under the crack as a wedge. He unlocked it and pulled. Barely moved. It couldn't be opened now.

Kel had to know his weight to get started. He had to know just how bad it was. Motivation. He had to know how much fatter he was than Basil. How far he had to go. It just couldn't break him. He paused with one foot over it.

Fuck.

He still didn't want to know the number. This was the thinnest he'd been in a couple weeks, and it wasn't by much. He was glad he threw up most of his binge the other night. Kel closed his eyes. He had to. He put down one foot, hopping on with the other. He had to open his eyes. It started at around 130 and shot up to 190, counting down and trying to find the middle. Oh no. Hell no. No, no, no- Kel stepped back off, putting his foot on the edge of the scale. It tilted up before he fully stepped off, slamming flat against the floor, counting back to zero. It was glass, but didn't crack or shatter. He couldn't do it. How much had he gained? There was no way he was at 190. Almost 70 pounds in a year was unrealistic.

He wasn't eating that much, right?

But he was.

Kel ignored everything as he got heavier. He could feel his ribs, hip bones, and see his abs, but that wasn't enough, was it? Feeling and seeing those things didn't mean he was thin. Kel looked in the mirror, turning around. He had stretch marks, not just on his back. The others were so pale and faded he completely ignored them. He had a bit of a belly, just at the bottom of his waist, which was why he could still see his abs at the top. He had love-handles, squishy cheeks, and big thighs. He wasn't thin. His brain wasn't exaggerating. He was fat. Kel had realized that, earlier, but he couldn't believe it had gotten so bad; just how much he lied to himself.

Every time he looked in the mirror, especially like this, Kel didn't even see himself. He didn't know what he actually looked like to other people. He saw the small parts and flaws, even when he looked at himself as a whole person. Before, he looked at the good parts, using them to reassure himself. As a whole, he was mostly acceptable to the world. His clothes hid the marks, and if his shorts were up enough, it covered up his belly and hips, along with making his thighs look smaller, since they all had a wide bottom. When he had clothes on, no one could see what he hated. Inside and out, he was broken. This wasn't him. That family picture downstairs was him. Flat stomach, thin legs, pointed jawline... he needed to be that way again. He just had to endure being hungry. No, he had to learn to enjoy it. Find a way to be happy with it. Kel didn't like suffering. He'd been good with his food intake the last couple days, but his mood was messed up. He just needed to go to bed. Get into a cycle. A routine. He had one before, but this was going to be new.

Maybe when he could see a difference, he'd be fine with weighing himself, but for now, he just couldn't. He walked over, pulling his shirt out from the door and putting his underwear back on, sitting on the carpet in front of the sink, leaning against the cabinet. He needed to calm down before going to his room. He didn't want to cry in front of Hero again. It was embarrassing. He didn't like being weak. Kel held up the shorts. He looked inside at the tag. Large. These ones were somewhat snug on him. Not enough to dig in or leave marks, but tight enough to be uncomfortable. When he sat, everything spread out over the edge, making it worse. Kel sighed, dropping them. This was horrible. He needed to start working. He twisted back, sliding the notebook down. Hero stuck the pen they were using into the spiral. Kel pulled it out, opening up the first page. He turned to the next one.

Oh. Oh...

Kel,
I know things have been rough for both of us, but even more for you. I'm sorry I haven't been around. I'm worried about you. More than normal. Basil was scaring me earlier, and you were upset, so I stopped pushing, but-
The next line was scribbled out.
we need to get real help, I think. Both of us. I've been dealing with-another scribble
a lot lately, and I just couldn't motivate myself to do anything. I know you're angry, and sad, but I'm here now. Please let me help you. I'm going to bed pretty early, since I have to get up early, but I'm probably going to be awake for awhile. My sleep schedule is still pretty rough. Please talk to me. Just say "hey" or something, and I'll know. I'm scared everything is worse than what you told me. And if you don't, it's okay, but I'm not going to give up. If you don't see this today, well, just say it when I'm in bed and you know I'm awake. We can talk any time you want, either.
I love you, okay? Don't forget that.
-Your worried big bro

Kel took a deep breath, feeling the burning in his eyes. He exhaled, closing the notebook. Fuck. His head was filled with noise. Despite that, he wanted to keep going, with everything. He put his hands in his hair, squeezing his eyes shut as he let out a quiet sob. There were no tears left, but his body wanted to cry anyways. He didn't want this. He didn't want any of this. There were things he wanted to say, but he was so scared. He had to tell him the truth.

...but, Basil...

Shit. Basil. Did he clean everything properly? Kel didn't even think about it. Did Hero see it? He pulled his shirt on and hurried over to the toilet. Lid was still closed, clean. He opened it. Clean. Last one. Still clean. He closed all 3, rinsing his hand off quickly, looking at the sink. Toothbrushes. Kel always had orange, and Hero always had blue. That was just their colors. Their personalities.

He'd tell him some of the truth. Just a bit about the binges. That would be believable; that it was the only problem going on. Kel wasn't a very good liar, anyways. Not telling him something wasn't the same as lying. He looked back, hearing the stairs squeak. The light above the stairs turned off. His mom was going to bed. On Sundays, his dad wasn't back until around 2 in the morning. Kel stood up, notebook in hand. He put his shorts back on, unlocking the door, peeking out. Nobody. He turned the light off, heading to the room. He stopped at the door. He had to do this. It would cause less problems later on. Kel opened the door.

"Hey."

Chapter Text

"Hey."

Kel closed the door behind him, walking over to sit on his bed. He looked at his carpet where he was sitting with Basil earlier, faint moonlight coming through the window. Only the two of them could ever know what had happened right there. Kel decided he'd never tell anyone. He really hoped that the scar would fade. He loved Basil, but he didn't want it on him for the rest of his life. He wished he didn't do it. Kel looked over.

"Hero?" He groaned a bit, but turned over to lay on his back. He always faced the wall when he slept. Kel always moved around in his sleep, sometimes even falling out of his bed. It wasn't as comfortable lately, too, which made it worse.

"Hey." Kel smiled a bit, but it quickly went away. He moved to lay down on his back. He felt weird sitting up. It felt like when he'd try to get Hero out of bed repeatedly, stay up to talk, just to be continuously ignored him.

"So... I saw your note. I wanted to clear a couple things up." Hero made a mutter of acknowledgement.

"I... should probably start from the beginning. You know I overate a lot as a kid. I don't know why I did, but it was just normal after a certain point. Not long after we met Mari, she noticed how I was and got concerned about it. I said I was just hungry, and that I needed it since I was growing. She let me be, but I started feeling bad about it eventually. I think I was like... 9." Hero turned over.

"I never knew she felt that way. I thought it was the same thing. You always said you were hungry, usually not even that long after you ate." Kel put his hands on his stomach, feeling. He wanted it gone.

"I was. It wasn't even my body. My brain just wanted more and more food, even when my stomach hurt. It was out of control. Mari helped me feel better, got me to slow down, b-but..." Kel could still cry more. Dammit.

"Not long after she was gone, it was just us. You know how Sunny is right now. Aubrey wouldn't and still won't talk to me, other than insulting me. Basil... I tried. I tried with you, too. I tried with Mom and Dad. Everyone was busy or flat out refused. And I know that if I just talked about it with you, I would have gotten help, but I fucking just... I couldn't. I was too embarrassed. I wanted people to notice, instead of having to reach out, but I just kept hiding it. I made some friends, but I don't even remember their names. I don't remember anything, other than feeling sad, and worthless, and cold, and disgusting a-and..." Kel took a deep breath, sliding his hand under his shirt.

He still felt that way. He dug the tips of his fingers into the stretch marks, feeling across them. Kel had a lot more than he remembered. He was glad they blended into his skin over time. The ones on his back were new. They were a lot lighter than the rest of his skin, and a bit pink on the ends. He'd been itching them too, without realizing it. Probably made them worse. Sucks. At least he couldn't see them easily. Kel sat back up.

"Can you say something back? I feel kind of alone here..." Hero shifted around, propping himself up on his elbow.

"Yeah... um... I still feel really bad about all of that. I... felt the same way. The last part, I mean. I barely remember anything from the funeral up until last week. Just... sadness. That fight... I still regret it, but I'm glad it snapped me out of it." Kel grumbled in his throat a bit.

"Wish that other things worked out first..."

"I do too, but it is what it is." Kel hated that expression. Something could always be done to change the circumstances. It was just a matter of choice. He sat back on the edge of his bed, putting his hand on the notebook. Cold and smooth.

"Yeah. Anyways... I got a bit carried away. Um, but... I felt alone. I couldn't handle it, and I relapsed into it. It feels weird saying that... it still doesn't feel like a big deal." Compared to Basil, it felt like it wasn't actually a problem that he needed help with. Kel should have been able to stop before this.

"What is 'it'?"

"You saw the food. That wasn't the first time." Friday. It was the 15th binge since Mari died. 2 in the first month, 1 on his birthday, 3 in December, 1 in January, February, and March, 2 back to back in June with 1 extra, and 2 again in the last two months, until the other day. His birthday he treated as a celebration, but he still had the guilt after, so he counted it. Kel didn't count Thanksgiving. His family didn't celebrate it, but they still made the food. That was a day where overeating was normal for everyone. But after that...

"I know about the binges, vaguely."

December was bad. Really bad. Kel got his allowance of $30 every 2 weeks. He was going to save his birthday money along with his allowance from November up to the last week of December. He was going to buy Hero two good gifts, one for Christmas and his birthday, to try and make him happy. He didn't. He got to the store on the first of December with his $160 and spent most of it on garbage. It was the holidays, right? If he ate a bit too much, it wouldn't matter. He was going to space it out.

"I didn't really notice much. I mean... I noticed you gaining some weight, and some noises at night, but that was about it."

Kel could still remember everything he got. It was ridiculous. He could remember everything he ate and on which days. The first one. How the hell did he eat almost an entire cake? In an hour? He also downed it with an entire liter of soda, too, mindlessly watching a stupid show about touring mansions. It wasn't even a good cake. He wasted so many calories on that. He felt like garbage afterwards. The binges were somewhat spaced out, at least. He binged on the Fridays that month, but stopped between Christmas and New Years, since things felt more stable with his parents around. After that was when the true guilt and compensation started. He was wasting significant amounts of money, and ended up worse because of it.

"I wish I paid more attention."

That was the first one that month. Kel was so scared he'd get caught throwing out the container that he never did. He didn't care once he started eating, but afterwards he was too scared. He had a trash bag under his bed just full of things that were too noticeable to be thrown out, mainly plastic containers. He could smash down the soda cans and other wrappers enough to shove into the trashcan, but they couldn’t be. Fuck. He should have stopped after that month. He should have stopped so much sooner.

"Kel?"

Kel looked up at him, locking his fingers together.

"Yeah? Sorry. I spaced out."

"That's alright. I'm sure you're stressed. I know from what you said it's been going on for awhile, but how often is it?" Stressed was an understatement.

"It's usually only once or twice a month. I don't know if that's bad or not." It was bad. Maybe some people did it more, but Kel was only 13. If he had more money like an adult, he was sure he would have done it more.

"According to diagnostic criteria, it's not, but that doesn't matter. You're my brother, and it's clearly upsetting you a lot. There's something else that's bothering me, too." Kel paused, looking at him in the dark. Did he see his wrist? Hear him purge? The panic attack? The stairs?

"Maybe I'm just overthinking, but you threw up a lot on Friday. I only saw the last time. It wasn't... intentional, right?" Kel felt a rush of cold through his veins.

"Oh... no, that's not it. I was just- I ate way too much. That was just the first time I threw up after overeating."

"Hm. Yeah. But... you said you did again. When was that? You said it but I can't really remember." Kel looked away, even if he couldn't see his face.

"It was at Basil's. After I ran away. I don't know why." Kel knew why.

"Mhm. I was really scared after that. I didn't know what to think. I still don't know why you left. I wasn't mad at you, or trying to force you to eat, or anything..." Kel sighed.

"I just felt so guilty. I ate so much. I didn't want to eat it, but I felt like I had to. Well, it's more like I wanted it, but I wasn’t allowed. I sound crazy right now." Kel saw Hero shake his head in the dark.

"You're not crazy, trust me. I don't know what it was, and I probably won't ever understand properly. If I were you, I'd have eaten it just fine, but my brain isn't the same as yours. I would have, because I'd have told myself that throwing up like that meant I had to. Just because you binge eat, it doesn't mean you have to starve yourself." Kel slumped his head. His hair was now the longest it had ever been. It almost covered his eyes. Good. He wouldn't have to see him as he said this. As he lied.

"I know that. I'm not trying to do that, like I've said. I'm just tired of being fat, and dealing with this. It's almost all that I think about." Hero laid back down on his side.

"I'm sorry about that."

"I am, too." Hero sighed, putting his head behind his arms.

"Life, amiright?" Kel sighed back, laying back down and doing the same thing.

"Yeah."

"Did you eat anything else today? You need to." He pulled the notebook up to sit on his chest.

"Mom made arepas." Hero smiled.

"Ah... those things are delicious. Wish I could have had them fresh." Kel side eyed him, but stayed quiet. He could have had some. He was thin enough. All he had to do was go downstairs. It wasn't that hard.

"It wasn't that long ago. I'm sure she wrapped some up." More leftovers... great. Kel was glad he wasn't gonna be eating as much. Her food was... alright. He was sick of it, though.

"Nah. It's okay. I'm tired. Today was a lot for me too." Kel spread out on his bed.

"It was a lot for all of us." They both stayed silent for a bit. Kel closed his eyes. He was still scared about the number he saw. There was no way he was that heavy. Hero's blanket rustled a bit.

"About Basil... I don't know how I really feel about him yet. He feels like a completely different person now. I don't know what's going on with him, but I really hope you can help him through it. I can't believe how thin he actually is. He needs to gain some weight, and soon. If he doesn't... it can be really bad." Kel ran his thumb along the spine of the notebook again. He still wanted to be like him, in a way. He was so thin without even trying.

"I know. I'm worried about him, but there's not much I can do other than support him and spend time with him."

"Hm." The silence resumed for a bit.

"What do you think of us?" Hero turned back.

"What? You and Basil?"

"Yeah."

"I... I think you two could work out well. Opposites attract. It's just going to take a lot of work on your part. Basil is really unwell, mentally and physically, and I don't know how long it'll take for him to get better." Kel glanced at the notebook.

"I know that. I'm ready to help, though." He wasn't. Kel couldn't even help himself. He just needed Hero to trust him alone with Basil. Kel needed Basil just as much as Basil needed him.

"I still think therapy would be a good idea." Kel groaned in annoyance.

"I don't want to. I swear, it won't help either of us. Me and Basil, I mean. Basil has already been in therapy. He said it didn't help." Hero huffed through his nose.

"Well, maybe that's true, but he probably just got the wrong one. There's always other options-"

"What options? I swear, if you say what I think you're gonna say..."

"I'm not trying to assume or anything. I just... Basil scared me earlier. He almost ran at me with the knife. From what you implied when he was panicking, he's suicidal, too. We both know now he had a knife during that. What if he hurt himself? It's not safe for him or anyone else. He shouldn't be out and about like this, not without professional help." Kel stayed quiet. He looked at his wrist.

"Basil is not dangerous. He's just... kind of lost. He just needs love and support." Hero stayed quiet this time.

"I know. It feels like the only thing I can do. I still don't know why he's so mad at me." Kel glared at him for a second, but moved back to looking at the ceiling.

"You do know. You just don't remember, I guess. It's not my place to tell you about it, though. Let Basil take his time. He's been through a lot more than we probably know." Hero chuckled.

"That's scary. Basil's a really gentle person. I miss him being that way." Kel shook his head, yawning. He was tired after everything. Sleeping before his stomach started growling again would be a good idea.

"People change."

"It still hurts to see."

"I know."

Chapter Text

Hero and Kel stayed silent after that. Kel stayed up, staring at the ceiling. Not eating made him restless. He was exhausted, but he just couldn't sleep yet. He kept thinking about things. He eventually heard Hero start to snore, meaning he was finally asleep. He'd stop soon, but he usually snored for a little bit before he fell into deeper sleep. Kel got up, grabbing the notebook and heading downstairs. Hector was asleep once again, near the TV. He looked at the stove.

10:36. His dad wouldn't be home for awhile. He did carpentry work, and liked to stay at his office late to get "in the zone", as he called it. Kel didn't understand it. He walked into the kitchen, pausing. There was an entire tray of fresh brownies on the counter, along with the toasty arepas he loved in the fridge. He put the notebook down on the stove, looking at the foil wrapped tray.

"You're destroying my life. And you're just a tray of brownies. Isn't that pathetic?" Kel laughed, hanging his head. The urge to binge was still there, but his fear and determination held him back. He turned on the stove light, sitting at the counter, opening the notebook.

580+130=710

____/1200

Kel scribbled out the last two numbers.

580/1200

He smiled. It was actually even lower. That number was so good in his mind, though. It was below what was healthy.

...

Why did Kel feel good about that? It was bad for him to eat so little. It would make him lose less weight. That's what Hero said.

Kel didn't believe that. Not really.

If Hero knew how weight loss worked, he'd be thinner himself. Basil starved himself and he was extremely thin. He was going to do the same thing. He took the pen out.

1. Maximum 2000 calories. If you eat more, then you'll gain weight.
2. No binging. You have to stop.
3. 1200 or less as a goal. As little as possible would be better.
4. 10,000-12,000 steps per day. Workout 6 days a week.
5. One binge day per month. You have to purge it if you do.
6. Goal: 120 pounds. Weigh once you feel thin enough.
7. Body check before and after eating. If it makes you upset, that just means you need to try harder.

Kel imagined an alternate, perfect version of himself whispering the words into his ears as he wrote it down. It was euphoric. He felt so in control, doing this. His body was his and his alone. If he wanted to starve, if he wanted to be thin, he should be allowed to. He put the pen down, closing his eyes and relaxing at the counter. He had a long way to go. He was at the heaviest, 190 pounds. He knew it was unlikely, but he really hoped it was lower. 190 seemed ridiculous. Kel knew his dad weighed around 210, and his mom was around 230. He refused to believe that he was almost as heavy as them. He couldn't be like them, because then what kind of person would he be? Neglectful, ignorant, and angry. He wouldn't be that way.

Kel yawned again, pausing in fear as his stomach growled. He looked down.

"Shut up. You are not hungry." Kel forced himself up, looking at the counter.

"I don't need this. I'm better than this." He ignored the brownies, opening up the fridge. Their one drawer had a lot of fresh vegetables. Bell peppers, broccoli, green beans, sweet potatoes, and an onion. There were the arepas. Kel looked around. Milk, the usual sauces, low calorie butter spread, that turkey from the other day, chicken breasts... Hero really did buy healthy food. Kel smiled at it. Even if he binged, at least it wasn't junk food. He paused.

There was a tube of cookie dough in one of the drawers. The good kind, that tasted just like Mari's.

"No. Absolutely not. You're not doing that. You're not eating that." Kel kept staring at it. His mouth watered. He gripped the handle of the fridge. He wanted it really bad. He couldn't. Kel shut the door, taking a deep breath.

"It's okay. It's just food. You're okay." He opened it again for light, also opening up the freezer. Oh god they still had that ice cream- no, nope. Not doing it. He noticed some boxes he didn't recognize on the door shelf. Kel grabbed one.

"Oh hell yeah!" A tray of mac n cheese? For only 300 calories? Kel swore he could feel a tear drip out of his eye, hugging the box to his chest. He could still eat food he liked. He liked healthy things, but he wanted other stuff, too. Not right now, though. He always binged at night. Kel put the box back inside, closing it. He walked back over to the notebook.

8. No eating past 10. You need to sleep.

Kel looked at the words. He did. He had to be up at 6:30 to catch the bus at 6:45, since the bus had to go to a separate neighborhood. He wasn't getting up at 5 to go with his mom. His dad left even earlier, most of the time. Kel was the only night owl in their family, mainly due to his binges. He closed the book, going back upstairs. He stopped as his moms door opened, just outside the bathroom.

"Kel? That you?" Kel turned, looking at her in her nightgown, rubbing one of her eyes. She had always worn overly big clothes, but it was pretty on her, regardless. Light green with lace on the edges. That color always fit her. Kel didn't like being overweight himself, but he didn't think she was less beautiful because she was.

"Yeah. I'm about to go to bed. Sorry." Kel started to walk off.

"Wait. Come here for a second." He sighed, turning back around.

"Did you just binge eat? I don't know what it really means, but you said it was late at night." Kel shook his head.

"No. I had the urge to, but I stopped myself. It just means eating way too much too fast. Usually it's later at night, around 2." His mom pat his shoulder.

"I'm proud of you for that. Just get some sleep, please. School will be hard otherwise. Goodnight." Kel looked up as she turned, putting in an earplug before pulling the door closed without looking back. She used to always say "I love you" when she'd say goodnight. Did she not love him anymore? Kel felt himself tear up again.

"I love you. Why... why can't you say that?" He took a deep breath once again, closing his eyes. Calm down. You know she's just like that. You're okay.

Kel opened them. He went into the bedroom, tossing the notebook on his desk. He really hoped Hero wouldn't read it. He generally respected his privacy, but lately, it felt like he was trying to find out anything he could. Kel changed his mind. He grabbed it, moving to his bed, sticking it between the box spring and mattress. There. Now he'd have to be snooping to find it.

Kel opened up his closet, grabbing a random shirt and shorts for tomorrow, putting them on a specific spot on the floor. He reached into the bag of the things Basil got for him, taking them out and putting them nearby. Pedometer and jumpsuit. Wait. Kel reached up, touching his hair. He'd forgotten about the leaves for a bit. He unclipped it, holding it in his hands.

"Basil... I love you." Kel moved to his desk, putting it down gently in the center. He smiled, going back to his bed. He kicked his socks off, pulling his blanket up. So comfortable... he felt his body finally start to relax. Kel closed his eyes, relaxing and trying to sleep.

...

He waited. Maybe his body wasn't comfortable enough. Kel turned over onto his back, looking back up at the ceiling. He closed his eyes, but they wanted to stay open. He grumbled in his throat. He was so tired. Why wasn't this working? He laid again for a few minutes, trying to keep his mind empty. Kel kept imagining the sensation of wrapping his fingers around his wrist. He moved to do it, putting his right around his left. Still only worked with the two. He laid on his stomach, even though it would hurt his ribs. It was the most comfortable sleeping position to him, but it made it hard to breathe. It made him feel less hungry, but he still couldn't sleep.

Kel waited more, closing his eyes and staying still, before kicking the blanket off, sitting up. Why was he so restless all of a sudden? He moved to get up, but felt the exhaustion wash over him again. So he was tired. Dammit. He got up and went into the bathroom, looking around in one of the cabinets. There it was. Melatonin.

Hell. They were the gummy kind. He looked on the back.

Serving size: 2 gummies
Calories: 15

Kel needed it. He took two out, relaxing a bit when he tasted the sugar. No. No enjoying it. Kel quickly chewed and swallowed them, feeling his throat ache. He needed water. He cupped his hands under the faucet, drinking a few handfuls, gasping in relief. Maybe that was all he needed. Water. Water had no calories. Kel was always bad about drinking it unless he was exercising. He needed to get a water bottle. His dad had a couple he took with him when he went fishing. He could use one of those. Kel went back and grabbed the notebook, opening it up in the bathroom.

9. Only drink water. Drink as much as possible.

He went back to the number, writing over it. 595. At least it was under 600. Kel closed it. He had a plan. He could do this. He tucked it back between his bed, laying back down. He pulled his blanket tight around him, relaxing. His brain was still trying to think of possible ways for him to lose weight faster. Kel knew he couldn't eat nothing. Being around people wouldn't let him, nor could he handle it. He waited a bit longer, looking at the wall, before the melatonin forced his eyes shut.

-

His hands were white. Kel looked to his right, cold wind blowing his hair away. Pale and light blue. He looked out at the lake. It was grey and cold, dead trees around 40 feet from the shore. He walked up one of the three docks, sitting on the edge. The water was calm and gentle, small bits of ice floating on the edge of the water. Everything felt blue and grey, including himself. Kel closed his eyes, letting the wind flow through his hair. This place was familiar. He closed his eyes, tilting his head up as he heard seagulls scream as they flew through the sky.

Kel heard the flapping of fabric behind him. He turned around. Basil's skin and hair matched Kel's own, the only contrast being his yellow cardigan and sunflower, tucked neatly behind his ear.

"Oh, hi there, Basil. I haven't seen you in awhile. Sorry... I'm not feeling very good right now." Basil walked over, sitting with Kel on the dock.

"Yeah. I'm not, either. It's okay, though. We just have to wait a bit for everyone to show up, and I'm sure everything will get much better." Kel nodded, pulling his legs up to his chest. They weren’t coming. He could just feel it. He shuddered as the wind blew again, hitting his bare arms in his tank top.

"Are you cold? I can help." Basil pulled off the cardigan, putting it loosely around Kel's shoulders. Kel shivered, pulling it closer around him. Basil was wearing a tank top as well. Kel looked at the pale blue scars trailing all the way up his arms.

"Isn't it bad if people see those? You'll be cold, too. I can't take this from you." Basil shook his head.

"There's no need. I'm used to being cold. No one else is here. Just me and you." Kel shook his head, holding out the sleeve.

"No. You don't need to be. Come under here with me." Basil glanced, before nodding, scooting closer to him. He slipped his right arm through one of the sleeves. Kel followed with his left. Basil snuggled close to him, but Kel winced as his skin touched his. The cold burned him. Kel smiled regardless, rubbing Basil's head. His hair was very soft.

"Much better, isn't it? You don't need to suffer for me." Basil nodded, pushing his nose into Kel's neck, sighing. The cold felt like a knife dragging across his skin.

"Yeah... it is." Basil smiled, pulling Kel into himself. Kel felt petals of frost growing up his arm, but he barred it, staying calm.

"I'm glad we can be together like this, despite everything."

"Me too."

Chapter Text

Kel woke up, stretching and groaning, before sighing, plopping back down into his bed. He stared up at the ceiling, processing being awake. He heard clanking from downstairs. Hero must be awake. Was he making breakfast? Kel didn't care. It was too early. The sun was barely up. He closed his eyes, laying back down.

Couldn't sleep. He groaned in annoyance, sitting up. The hall light was on, so he could somewhat see. Might as well do things before he had to go to school. It was gonna be rough. He pulled up his clothes from the floor. Oh, right, the body suit. Kel stood up, ripping the tags off of it. Should he wear his underwear under it or over it? Under. Over felt like he was a superhero with a poor fashion sense.

He changed them, looking down without his shirt. He poked part of his belly, but ignored it after. He was losing weight, even if it didn't look like he was yet. Kel stepped into it, pulling it up. Tight- well, it was an extra small. Of course it would be. He finished pulling it on. It was really tight on his chest, and the straps dug into his shoulders, but he could still breathe just fine. This was just another consequence of his actions. He adjusted it a bit before feeling up his body. His lovehandles were gone, his stomach was almost flat, and even his thighs were smaller. He sat down. Aw man. His stomach still scrunched. It dug harder into his ribs. He pulled and adjusted it. Better. He wasn't completely flat and smooth, still. Well. He'd work on that. Kel pulled on the rest of his clothes, adjusting the bodysuit before taking a breath. It did constrict his lungs a bit. It was okay. It was just temporary until he was thinner.

Kel pulled the rest of his clothes on, walking to the bathroom. Smelled like bacon. Kel didn't feel hungry, and that wasn't just deluding himself this time. The smell genuinely didn't entice him. Good. He was learning to dislike food. He looked in the mirror, smiling. He looked so much better. He looked better from the side than the front, but his stomach was so much flatter. His clothes were somewhat loose now, too. Wow. Basil made the right choice.

He went back into the room, opening up the pedometer. Standard, black, with a couple buttons. Kel put it on his left wrist, hearing a beep. He pushed the buttons, seeing what they did. One went to the main step counter, one started a timer, and the other ended the timer. He read the box, figuring out how to set the time and date. He matched it to Hero's clock. 5:45. He was leaving soon. He walked around the room for a few seconds. It was really accurate. Kel sighed in relief. No more counting. It even said he burned a calorie. Nice. If he went too high, he could get rid of the excess without purging. Just exercising a bit would make it up.

Kel paused, frozen again. His brain was spacing out. What did he need to do? School. He had quite awhile before it. What should he do? Run. He should go run. Hero did morning jogs. Maybe he should? He was still really tired. Whatever. He needed to get in shape. He headed downstairs. Quiet.

"Alright, where the hell are my keys? Hero, you know where went?" Nevermind. His mom always lost things.

"No, mom, I'm trying to get Kel's food ready. I have to do math for it." Kel ducked behind the corner as she stomped into the kitchen, hearing papers move around.

"Where did they go? Kel probably moved them or something." What? No he didn't. Kel stepped out, going into the kitchen.

"Morning." Hero was at the stove, stuffing a couple things into a Tupperware container. He turned, looking Kel over.

"You look... different." Kel smiled, putting his hands on his hips.

"Yea! Basil got me this jumpsuit thing that makes me look thinner. It's kind of uncomfortable, but I'm happier with how I look." Hero smiled back.

"Well, I'm glad it helped." His mom walked over to him, flicking his forehead. Kel whined.

"Ow! What was that for?" She glared a bit.

"Not telling me you got home last night. Didn't say anything when I saw you before bed, but you need to tell me so I know you're okay. I only knew because your shoes were at the door. Also, do you know where my keys are?" Kel thought for a second, rubbing his forehead.

"Don't you usually just put them on the counter?" She glanced.

"Not there."

"Purse?" She opened her mouth, but turned around, grabbing it and digging through.

"Yep. There they are." She jingled them. Kel looked at Hero, unamused. He gave the same look back.

"Are you almost done? We need to leave." Hero closed the lid, opening the fridge.

"Yeah. I just need to grab my stuff." Kel looked. The dishes were already clean. Wow...

"Alright. I'm gonna go to the car. Hurry up, please." She started to walk out into the dining room, but turned back, putting her hand on Kel's head.

"You better go to that coach today. You need something good on your transcript if you want to go to college. Don't miss it." Kel sweat a bit, nodding. She smiled, rustling his hair.

"Alright. See you later." Kel stayed quiet as she walked out, heels clicking against the floor in the same way as usual. She slammed the door closed kind of hard. She always did that.

"She's annoying sometimes." Hero chuckled.

"More than sometimes." Kel walked over.

"When do you think you're gonna be home tonight?" He shrugged, opening the fridge back up, pulling out a container. Must be his lunch.

"I'm not sure. I know I have to stay pretty late, but I don't know how long. I'll try to hurry home." Kel looked away sadly.

"We didn't hang out yesterday, really... I hope it's sooner than later." Hero pat his head, straightening his hair from the mess his mom made.

"Yeah. Me too." Hero turned and walked into the living room. Kel stayed in the doorway, watching him put the container in his bag.

"I didn't expect you to be up so early, so I saved you some breakfast. Your lunch is in the fridge, too. I wrote down all the calories and stuff. I hope you like it." Kel laughed nervously.

"Heheh... you didn't need to make me breakfast. We have bananas and stuff." Wait. Kel still didn't know the calories in them. He'd have to go to the library to find the calories on things that didn't have it listed. He'd have to do it before he met up with the coach, too. Hero walked over, grabbing his shoes.

"No, it's okay. You need it. Cereal and stuff isn't very good for you. Too much sugar." Yeah, but Kel could make it easily, and they had it listed by default. Less work Hero would have to do.

"Okay. Thank you, Hero. A lot. I appreciate it." Hero finished tying them up, standing back up. He walked over.

"You're welcome, little bro. Please just make sure you eat it all. I noticed you didn't eat any of the brownies, and I'm sure the arepas aren't very high calorie. It's okay if it's for one day, but you have to eat more than what you did yesterday." Oh, right. Kel forgot he lied about eating one.

"Oh, yeah. I will. Your food is really good, anyways, so I'm sure I will easy." Hero smiled, but he frowned quickly. He quickly hugged Kel tightly, resting his head on his.

"Please. I love you." Kel hugged back loosely.

"I... I love you too. Just... I'm okay. I'll be okay, I mean." Hero pulled back, eyes a bit watery. He pat Kel's shoulder before turning, going out the door. Kel stood, looking at it for awhile. Hero was already catching on, wasn't he? He cracked his knuckles, hearing the car engine turn on. He waited, looking out a window until they were gone. Kel quickly moved into the living room, sitting down on the floor. He wanted to test something. He wedged his feet under the couch, putting his arms behind his head. He tensed up, trying to do a sit up. Kel got around halfway up before giving up, sighing on the floor.

"Still can't do one, huh?" Kel blew a piece of hair out of his face, flipping over. Should've gotten a haircut. He leaned on his hands, but stopped as his wrist ached. He forgot he cut himself, again. He also hurt it when he fell yesterday. He forgot about it until now. Kel pulled down the band, looking at the bandaid he peeled up. It had gotten wet with sweat and wasn't sticking to his skin anymore. He got up and went into the kitchen, pulling off the band. He pulled off the bandaids and threw them in the trash, putting a paper towel over it. No one would see that way. He looked at his wrist. The cut was still wet and red on the inside, but it wasn't bleeding anymore. Kel pulled it back on.

He still wanted to work out a bit. He went back into the living room, getting down again. He ignored the pain, going up and down. It was harder than when he was lighter, but he had enough muscle to do them, although they were now difficult. He counted, feeling his muscles starting to burn at 15. 60 would be good. Wasn't even near his average, but he was exhausted still, and his wrist hurt. 16, 17, 18, 19... he was slowing down, but he kept going.

"Kel! There you are!" Kel looked up.

"Oh, hey Dad!" He stopped, standing up. He looked tired, but still smiled enthusiastically. Kel came over, being pulled into a very tight hug. He smelled like wood and dirt, like always. Kel hugged back tight.

"Haven't seen you in a bit. Surprised you're up this early. How have you been?" Kel laughed nervously. He still didn't know anything that was going on. Had no idea he was gay or whatever, that he had an eating disorder, or probably even the fact that Kel wasn’t okay. He always ignored everything.

"Yeah... couldn't sleep. I'm... alright." His dad smiled again, patting his shoulder firmly.

"Well, that's good. I heard Hero clanging around and stuff, along with your mother yelling, so I decided to see what was up. Glad everything's okay." It wasn’t.

"Couldn't find her keys. Hero did make breakfast. Actually-" Kel ran away into the kitchen, grabbing the breakfast container. He took the note off of it, sliding it in his pocket. He went back to the living room, holding it out.

"Taadah! Breakfast." His dad laughed, taking it.

"Oh, that's nice of him! I'll have to thank him later." Kel paused.

"Uh, actually, he said not to. Like, really emphasized it." His dad raised an eyebrow, but shrugged.

"If he says so. I'm gonna go back to bed, but I hope you have a good day, alright?" His dad rustled his hair, making it messy once again.

"Your hairs getting long! Should ask Mom about getting it cut." Kel looked away.

"Well... we went with Basil yesterday, but I wanted to keep it long. Just for a bit, I mean." His dad tilted his head, pulling a strand.

"Really? You've always kept it the same length." Kel shrugged.

"Yeah, well... I needed a change. A few of them... but, anyways, I hope you sleep good." His dad handed him the box back.

"Me too. My backs been killing me lately. I'll survive, though." Kel nodded.

“Bye Dad.” He gave a thumbs up as he disappeared up the stairs. Kel put the box back in the fridge, pulling out the note.

Hey Kel!
Decided writing notes would be fun. Don’t have much to say for this one. Enjoy your food - :)

He turned it over.

Eggs - 160
Ham - 90
Potatoes - 170
Veggies - 40
All - 460

Huh. Not too bad. Kel should have checked before offering it to his dad. It was too late now. He put it back in his pocket. Even if he didn’t eat it, he liked the note. Goofy little smiley face... Hero was a nerd. Kel looked at the pedometer. Only 157. He’d have to walk a lot. Maybe he should walk to school. He had enough time. No, wait, he was going with Basil. How did he forget that? He opened the fridge back up, grabbing his lunch. Maybe he should just go to Basil’s early. He went to his backpack, stuffing it in. He pressed a button, looking at the pedometer once again. It was only 6:03. He sighed. Basil probably wasn’t even awake. Maybe he should run. God.

Kel didn’t know what to do. Maybe he should just finish his push ups. He went back, continuing. He slowed down again at 45, but pushed through, sighing and laying on his stomach as he finished, breathing heavy. If he burned calories now, he could eat later. He looked at the watch again.

6:07.

Kel rolled to his back, groaning. Why was time going by so slowly? He got back up, pacing back and forth through the living room. Oh, wait, he had to give Hector breakfast. Kel went into the kitchen, opening the cabinet and grabbing the bag of food. He reached his hand in, getting some in the cup they stuck in there. He poured out a bit. He needed to lose weight, too. He wouldn’t be crazy about it with Hector like he was with himself, though. Just a little bit less would help him. He went back to the living room, pouring it in the bowl. Kel opened the door, whistling. Hector ran up, sliding between his leg and the door. Kel looked at the sky. The sun was starting to rise. He closed the door, looking at Hector munching away. He looked at the watch.

6:09. Kel hung his head in defeat, laying on the couch. Might as well relax for a bit. His dad only had to do his carpentry stuff today, meaning he’d be up just before Kel had to go to school, so he could work as an alarm for him. He could sleep a bit if he wanted. He closed his eyes, but he was still restless. The suit he was wearing was really uncomfortable. Whatever. He relaxed anyways, hearing the pieces of food in Hector’s bowl clink around. He didn’t quite fall asleep, but stayed still like he was. He opened his eyes back up when Hector came around, licking his hand. Kel looked at the watch.

6:20

Well, that was a good amount of time. Kel pet him, sitting up and stretching. He could go to Basil’s now. He bent down to grab his bag, but didn’t feel the hair clip pull his hair like he got used to. Forgot it. He quickly went back up the stairs, grabbing it, along with his notebook. He went into the bathroom, clipping it on.

Kel looked himself over. This was the most he’d looked like himself in awhile, but the way he saw himself was still distorted. Too wide. He looked at the sink. Didn’t brush his teeth yesterday. Kel did it quickly, rubbing at his jaw when he was done. It hurt, just under his ears. He looked in the mirror. Kind of swollen. Gross. He needed to hurry now.

6:25.

The bus would come in 15 minutes. He ran back downstairs with his notebook, digging in the kitchen cabinet for a water bottle. That one looked alright. Metal with some black pine trees on it. He ran the water, waiting for it to be cold, bouncing on his feet. He didn’t want to miss the bus with Basil. He rinsed and filled it, running back to his backpack. He put his shoes on and slung it over his shoulder, ready to go out. Wait. Did he get his lunch? He put it down, going in the kitchen, opening up the fridge.

No. Kel grabbed it. Wait, that was the breakfast. He put the lunch in his backpack. Should he eat it? Maybe. He felt fine for now, but he’d probably be hungry later. He went back, grabbing his backpack again. Bag, lunch, shoes... that was it. Kel went outside. The sky was light blue with a bit of pink on the horizon. Birds were chirping. He could do this. One day at a time. He glanced to the right.

“Sunny... are you even in there?”

Chapter Text

Kel shook his head, looking at the pedometer. Had to go. He ran down the steps, trying to put his smile back on as he walked with a bounce in his step, swinging the water bottle in his hand. It felt wrong. He slowed down, looking at the ground as he walked to Basil's. He paused at the corner, hearing Aubrey laugh.

"Yeah, he's kinda weird. Likes sports a lot, but he hasn't gotten into any, really. I'm going for softball this year." Kel inched away, seeing her walk up with Angel and Charlene. He ducked behind a bush. Was she talking about him? What if she makes fun of his weight behind his back? While Aubrey expressed her dislike of him, she never made fun of how he looked. As far as he knew. Kel hated it. He wished he wasn't so insecure.

"I AM APPROACHING AT AN ALARMING AND RAPID PACE, DEAR AUBERGINE!" Kel turned around, pushing himself further into the bush. Crap. He forgot Mikhael lived right there. He wished he was smaller so he could hide better. Mikhael didn't notice him, running past in a silver wig. Must have gotten a new one.

"Sup? Doing good?" Kel heard him laugh triumphantly.

"More than good, boss. I have found new powers through meditation and am ready to try once again to procure my endless bounty. The world will know soon who THE MAVERICK truly is!” He whined in pain. Aubrey probably punched him or something.

"Nerd. Let's go." Kel looked at his watch. Fuck. 6:30. He peaked back. They were finally leaving. He moved to go out, some of his hair sticking in the branches.

"Brother, there is a troubled child in our bush." Kel froze. It was those creepy twins that worked at the bakery. He didn't know that they lived here.

"H-hey... didn't see you there. Um, I'm gonna go now." The male one nodded. Kel stood back up, bowing his head to be polite, before turning and running away to the street corner. Aubrey and the other three had already gotten to the park. He went down and left to Basil's.

Kel was surprised when Basil ran right in front of him, squeezing him with a hug. Tight, but not nearly as much as yesterday's. He was still wearing the hoodie Kel gave him. He pulled back, holding Kel's wrists.

"Hi! I'm so happy to see you, Kel." Kel smiled back, seeing him. The bags under his eyes were a bit lighter.

"I'm happy to see you, too. I missed you." Kel hugged him again. He wanted to stay in it forever.

"How was your night?" Basil smiled.

"Really good! I showered again, talked with my grandma a bit, and actually ate dinner! I was so full, haha... still need to clean everything up a bit. Have to get everything ready before I can show you the surprise I have." Kel smiled really wide, holding his shoulders. He was curious about whatever the surprise was, but Kel didn't want to get his hopes up.

"That's so great! I'm so proud of you, Basil." Basil chuckled back.

"Yeah. It was hard to do everything, but I slept well for once. It was a strange dream I had... but you were in it. Don't remember much else." Kel moved his hands off.

"I had a dream with you in it, too. I don't remember any of it, honestly. Just some water." Basil hummed, grabbing his open hand. The left.

"Well, too bad you can't remember it. Let's go!" Basil walked ahead, pulling Kel with him. He felt strange. He was seeing just fine, but his brain wouldn't focus. It wasn't the same as his ADHD. Kel stayed quiet, turning up the street. He glanced at his watch. 6:43. Barely on time. Basil paused at the corner, looking at Aubrey with her new friends. He hid behind Kel, peaking out from his shoulder.

"I'm scared of her." Kel pat Basil's head.

"Don't worry. If I'm around, I'll protect you." Basil relaxed, staying behind him. He walked to the vending machines, looking at the scooter gang laughing and play fighting. Basil looked at him nervously.

"W-Why are we over here? The bus stop is there..." Kel looked at him.

"They're over there. Let them get on, then we'll get on. Same thing when they get off. Aubrey doesn't need to talk to either of us. She'll just make fun of us." Basil nodded. Kel looked as the bus pulled up, doing what he expected. He waited for Charlene to go in last, walking over with Basil. He was still holding his hand. It gave Kel the confidence to face Aubrey. He stepped on first, nodding as the old bus driver said good morning. There was an open seat right at the front, just behind the driver. Basil got on, struggling with the stairs a bit. He waited for him. Kel looked, seeing Aubrey flip him off. He pushed him into the seat, sitting next to him on the outside, putting his bag in his lap. Basil sighed in relief.

"This was one of the things I was most scared of doing. Thank you, Kel." Kel nodded, squeezing his hand. Basil squeezed back. Some of the younger kids were talking around them, but the noise of the bus driving drowned them out. Kel closed his eyes, tilting his head towards the ceiling. He was so tired, and the day barely started.

"H-How'd last night go? I didn't ask because of time." Kel glanced out the window. The sun was rising.

"Alright. I started feeling crappy again, then went home. Pet Hector a bit, then went upstairs. I... wanted to weigh myself, but I couldn't. I opened the notebook you got me and Hero had written a note in it. I got scared at first, but it was just him asking to talk. I lied to him a lot. Said I was only binging." Basil nodded slightly, leaning closer to him.

"You look really good today, by the way. Are you wearing the thing I got you?" Kel nodded, resting his head on his.

"Yeah. It's uncomfortable, but I feel so much better. Thank you so much." Basil frowned.

"Sorry I got it so small. That was the only one left." He shook his head.

"No, if it was looser it wouldn't do as good of a job." Basil hummed, closing his eyes.

"Still sleepy?" He nodded against his shoulder. Kel pet his head for a bit, following and closing his eyes as they went through the next town's neighborhood. He opened his eyes once he felt a turn, signaling they were close. He nudged Basil awake, glancing at the school. Two floors, brick, and simple. Mostly just a big cube with a few windows. They'd have to hurry to avoid the hooligans.

"Basil, I don't wanna talk about this because it's scary, but what are we gonna do about other people?" Basil tilted his head as the bus stopped in front of the school.

"What do you mean?" Kel pulled their hands up. Basil looked.

"Oh... um- I'm not- if you want to, it's okay." Kel shook his head once again.

"We're putting ourselves at risk. You know what happened to that openly gay kid last year. We can't." Basil looked down sadly.

"I... I understand." They let go. Kel already missed his hand. He stood up as the door opening, Basil following suit. He stepped forwards but paused, looking back down the walkway.

"Move." Kim. Basil froze. Kel watched.

"I said move, freak. Or I'll make you."

"I-I- um... I..." Kel grabbed his backpack handle and pushed him, making him walk. Kel put himself in between.

"Leave him alone, or you're gonna have to deal with me." Kim glared at him. Kel glared right back. He wouldn't tolerate this. Aubrey was rude to both of them last week, but this was a threat. He wouldn't let him get hurt.

"You're bold, fatass. I can beat your dumb ass easy." Kel felt a icy knife through his chest. He squeezed his eyes closed, looking away. That insult was one of the worst ones she could have picked, but Kel knew it was the easiest target to hit him with. He pushed Basil forwards, next to the driver.

"Coward." She was correct. He was one. Kel kept pushing Basil until he managed to stumble out of the bus, Kel following. He grabbed Basil's hand, running and pulling him across the lawn outside of the school to stand next to a side exit. Kel panted a bit, leaning on his knees. The suit really restricted his lungs. Basil was breathing heavy too, still frozen for the most part. Kel put his hand on his back.

"You... okay? That was... scary..." Basil sighed, standing up straight. Kel was embarrassed he was breathing heavier than him, but the thing he was wearing made it hard. He would get into better shape over time.

"I-I'm fine. I... oh gosh... ow-" Kel looked at him, freezing and grabbing at his chest through the hoodie. Basil looked scared.

"What is it?" His eyes curled up in pain before he let go, relaxing.

"Chest pain. Happens randomly... not a big deal." Kel frowned, finally catching his breath.

"If you say so... heart trouble is pretty bad."

"KEL! Hey!" Kel jumped up, turning towards the yelling. He smiled, waving.

"Jay! Yo!"

Chapter Text

Jay smiled back, running over. God, Kel was still so envious of him. Muscles, sharp jawline, thin waist, long legs... he wanted it. Kel ran over, holding his fist up. Jay bumped it back.

"How's it going, man? Didn't see you at the meeting yesterday." Kel chuckled, scratching his head.

"Well... I was pretty busy. Actually, I reconnected with one of my old childhood friends. Spent the whole day together, haha... he's just over there." Kel pointed back to Basil. Jay made a strange face, but smiled back, looking off in the distance.

"That's awesome! Let me meet him. Where is he?" Kel nodded, turning and walking back to Basil. He looked nervous, but he almost always did. Wasn't anything new. He was probably just anxious because of Jay being a stranger.

"H-hello..." Basil shrunk in on himself, looking at the ground.

"Kind of effeminate, heheh... sure he's not a she, Kel?" Jay slung his arm over Kel's shoulder. Kel pulled it off.

"Yes, I am. Basil's a dude. That's kind of a shitty thing to say, man." Jay put his hands up.

"Not trying to pry... just wanna make sure my bro isn't hanging around with a fag." Kel scoffed, moving next to Basil. He looked close to tears.

"Don't say shit like that. Seriously. I don't want to be around you if you think like that." Jay rolled his eyes, crossing his arms.

"Psh... whatever. I was just joking. Anyways, I didn't see you at that meeting yesterday. You flaking out on basketball?" Kel shook his head. He didn't wanna be around him anymore. That wasn't okay. He wanted to hold Basil's hand. Away from everyone. No judgement. On the two of them, or his body.

"Nope. I was just too busy to go. Gonna talk to the coach after school today." Kel glanced at his watch. He'd also have to walk Basil home, research stuff at the library, work out, do whatever homework he got, and get all of his steps in. Jeez. Lots of things to do. He preferred it. There was no time to think.

"Better hurry. Heard tryouts are soon." Kel rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I know. You sound like my mom, haha..." He wanted out of here.

"Yeah, well, can't get by doing nothing. Hey, just wondering, wanna come with me to the gym later?" Kel hesitated, humming and thinking.

"Um... sure. I don't know how to use the new equipment, haha..." Kel stepped back quickly as Jay poked his stomach.

"Good. Gonna have to burn all that off, y'know. Being shorter and all, jumping high will be harder for you if you're heavy." He shrugged, huffing through his nose angrily.

"I know that. I'm trying to diet right now. Takes time..." Kel put his hand over where he touched. He didn't like that. He wanted to curl up under his blanket, his brain quiet, and his stomach empty. Enough time, and he could go back out, thin and pretty like a newly emerging butterfly.

"I- um... Jay? Right?" Basil stepped closer to him, giving a polite smile.

"Yeah?" Basil grabbed his wrist, squeezing it tightly, making Jay wince.

"Don't call me that again, and don't touch Kel."  Jay tried to pull his hand back, but Basil held tightly.

"Got it?"

"Yeah, I do. Let go of me. Freak..." Basil did, skipping back to stand next to Kel. Kel froze, staring at him, Jay rubbing his wrist. Basil kept his smile.

"Kel, your taste in friends is weird, to say the least. I'm gonna get breakfast." Jay shoved his hands in his pockets, walking off to go in the building.

"Basil... woah. Can't believe you did that." He shrugged, blushing.

"I don't want anyone to hurt you. Even if they're your... friend." Kel grabbed his shoulder.

"He's complicated. I think he's just confused with himself and takes it out on others. There's no way that boy is straight." Basil shrugged.

"Still don't like him." Kel slumped.

"Figured. Sucks he was like that to you. I'm always going to pick you, though. We should get going, too. Did you eat breakfast?" Basil shook his head.

"I slept in too late. My grandma can't make anything until later now, so I just left, then you were there." Kel moved to grab his hand, but stopped. There were a couple random kids walking into the building still, along with a few standing around. Aubrey's group stayed at a large tree near where the bus got off until just before class started. None of them ate breakfast. Why should Kel? Vance and Charlene were the only big ones, but they had a lot of muscle, too. Kel looked at Basil's uncovered wrist. He was envious of it, but he needed to gain some weight for his health. Hero said so. He'd trust that. 87 pounds was way too light for him.

"Well, you need breakfast. Come on." Kel nodded his head towards the entrance, starting to walk. Basil followed him, getting closer. The people around Kel blurred into a mass of him and Basil vs everyone else.

"Did you eat?" Kel shook his head.

"Don't need to. I feel fine." He could feel the emptiness of his stomach, but it wasn't quite growling. It burned in a strange way, like he needed to throw up but there was nothing to get out. Basil glanced, but kept quiet as he pulled open the door for him. Kel grabbed it and let him walk through. He felt fancy, like a waiter expecting guests at a ball, when he held it for him.

Kel sat at a table as he went to the line. He quickly changed his mind, leaving his bag on the table to save it for them. They were round, with 6 chairs each, but no one really got the breakfast food, so there were tons of them open. He got up, going with Basil before anyone moved behind him. He'd probably be too scared to talk to the lunch ladies. As expected, Basil froze, too scared to say what he wanted. Kel spoke up and got him some floppy looking bacon and an over cooked, dry, pre-wrapped frozen waffle, without syrup, of course. Dry and bland, and that was the better of the options.

This is why Kel didn't want it. He was glad the food sucked. The lady urged him to get some food, but Kel laughed, saying he already ate at home. She made him get an apple, and she was so nice and gentle that he had to take it. Kel didn't like the ones the school had. They had the texture of styrofoam and the flavor of cardboard. Gritty and unappealing. Basil picked out the chocolate milk. That one had more calories. Good.

Kel picked the table wisely. Aubrey always lingered with her friends at the very back of the cafeteria, near the gym, just so they could be together for as long as possible before their classes. He got the exact opposite corner, as far away from her as possible. He sat with Basil, rolling the apple across the table, staring at it closely. Right to left. A to B. 1 to 2. Back and forth.

"Are you gonna eat it?" Kel paused, holding it close to his eyes.

"I don't know. I need something, but I don't want it." Kel sat up, grabbing it to throw it away. Basil grabbed the edge of his shirt before he got to the trashcan behind him.

"Don't." Kel plopped back down next to him, holding it out.

"You want it? I know you like fruit." Basil pushed his hand back.

"No. You need to eat something. Apples only have around 95 calories." He looked at it closer.

"That's... kind of low. I guess I'll eat it. I just don't like them that much." Kel dug out his notebook, flipping past Hero's note. He wrote down the date, looking at his watch. 7:15. Class started soon. He added that, writing 95 before closing it, sticking the pen back.

"Organized. Kind of unlike you, i-if I'm being honest..." Kel laughed nervously, crossing his arms over it.

"Haha... well, I need to be. Disorganization didn't work." Kel glanced back at the watch, pressing it to go back to the pedometer. 1567. He had a lot more to go. He picked up the apple, looking at it again. He felt like once he ate this, that it was all he was allowed for the day. Less was better. Maybe he could be fine with half of it? Kel grabbed it, digging his thumbs in the top, pulling and breaking it in half down the center, breaking it into slices. It was the only way he would eat apples, and he'd have to get rid of the seeds and core before eating the slice. It was the only way it felt right and was enjoyable to the fullest extent he could make it. He had to do things in a specific way. They had to be right, so he could enjoy it.

"Dang... you're strong, Kel." Kel blushed, holding a slice up.

"Well... it's just an apple. Jay can bench 150. I'm lucky to even do the bar..." Basil grabbed the second half of the apple. He held it in his palms, using his thumbs to push in the center. Kel saw his face strain and his hands shake a bit, before he sighed, putting it back down.

"Comparing yourself isn't going to make you feel better. I can't even break it into quarters... I can't do anything. I'm useless." Kel frowned, putting the apple back down.

"Don't say that, either. You're Basil. You can do so many things. Things I can't even imagine knowing. Managing to smile despite everything, being able to name any plant I point out, tying up those baskets without problems... heck, you can even lug those huge bags of soil. I couldn't even pick one up! That's amazing!" Basil laughed nervously.

"Kel... I appreciate you saying that. R-really, I do... but that isn't me anymore. You don't know a-a lot." Kel picked up an apple slice, finally putting it in his mouth. He didn't eat for around 19 hours. That was good, but he was sure he could go longer.

"Doesn't matter. I like you as you and you are what you were before everything, too. Even if you think he's gone, tiny little Basil, smiling in his overalls and flower crown, is still apart of you." Basil smiled, finishing up the milk. Kel was surprised he drank it. Milk had always upset his stomach. It did upset Kel's, but that's just because he hated how it tasted.

"Well... thank you. Just... know that I can't tell you about some... things. It's... some things are too much." Kel spit out the seeds and core onto a napkin Basil got with his food. He wished they were precut, but he knew that took a lot of time for the kitchen people. Asking for that felt like inconveniencing them, even in his mind.

"It's okay. I don't need to know everything about you. Just being around you makes me happier and calm. I trust you." Basil swallowed the last piece of the waffle. Didn't eat the bacon. He pushed the tray away.

"I... feel the same way. I just... I don't want to be a burden." Kel put his hand on his.

"I'm gonna say this now. You will never be a burden to me. I love you." Basil smiled, blushing.

"I-I... I love you too." Kel pulled his hand back as Aubrey walked behind Basil, slapping him upside the head.

"Nice haircut. Definitely haven't seen it before." Basil jumped up into the table, gripping it. He looked really angry for a split second, but it faded into fear as fast as Kel saw it. Aubrey kept walking.

"That was a bit unnecessary, don't you think?" Basil rubbed at his head. She paused, turning back around and glaring at him.

"I don't give a shit. I could pick him up and throw him in there, if you want." She pointed to the trashcan. Kel looked at the remaining half of the apple.

"Don't. Please." She stared at him for a second before shrugging.

"Your call. Wish you would piss off like before, honestly. Makes my life easier." Kel broke the apple in half again.

"Oh no, wouldn't want to inconvenience the oh-so-great Aubrey." He bit into it. He needed something to distract him so he wouldn't overthink this.

"Whatever. I'll get back at you eventually." Kel locked eyes with her for a bit before she turned and walked back to her table. Basil sighed in relief, but Kel was still furious.

"I don't know why she's acting like this. To either of us." Basil looked away.

"It's my fault." Kel shook his head, finishing up the apple.

"No, it's not. She's the one hitting you and making her friends be all rude to you for no reason." Basil didn't respond, just nodding and turning to throw his tray away. Kel moved to throw away the bits of seeds he spit out, but Basil grabbed it before he could. Kel smiled at him, leaning on the table. Basil was so nice. He was still pretty tired, though. Maybe he could take a nap. He hadn't tried before, but he probably needed it. He always had energy. Probably because he always ate. Kel side eyed himself in his head.

"I wish she was nicer. We used to fight but never like this. I don't know what happened. I mean... it was a lot, but... taking it out on others like that seems so selfish, y'know?" Basil muttered in his throat, leaning forwards on the table in the same way as Kel.

"She's... complicated." Kel leaned his head down further, closing his eyes.

"Yeah."

Both of the boys stayed quiet, hearing the chatter as more people filled up the cafeteria. Kel glanced at Basil a couple times. All of the stress and exhaustion could be seen in his face. Stress lines and grey set into the area under his eyes. Even when closed, Kel would see them wide with fear and anxiety as soon as they opened again. He wanted to give Basil peace and happiness so badly, but he had no idea how. Time away from school, therapy, gardening... his grandma said they didn't help. He had no idea how to help, other than being with him to distract him from whatever was troubling him so badly. Kel knew Mari's death was a part of it; seeing her body, not knowing why the big sister of the group would do such a thing... it effected Kel too. He just didn't understand how it affected Basil so badly. Sunny was trapped inside, too. Kel needed to see him. Soon. He sat up, drinking some water. Layering it on top of the apple helped the pit in his stomach feel better. He sat back down.

"Hey... Basil. I have an idea for after school."

Chapter Text

English.

Boring.

Kel looked at their teacher, going on about what they'd be doing throughout the semester. Some book about a teenage girl, poems, and the book The Lord of the Flies. He grimaced, looking at the clock. He was bored. So bored. Only around 15 minutes had passed. They weren't allowed to talk, so Kel couldn't joke around with the acquaintances he made here on Friday. He didn't remember their names. Kel didn't consider people friends unless they talked outside of school. That meant they had to go out of their way to see him, or the opposite. Kel always gave up on trying to see people after enough time. There was an exception. He had to see Sunny again. They had to be friends again. He missed him.

Kel eventually got their worksheet for the day.

Write about three current issues that you think we should discuss and why.

Kel grabbed the pen from the notebook Basil got him. It was blue, with white print detailing parts of his Dad's carpentry company. Phone number included, of course. Kel had memorized it. This was just another pen.

Bullying
Isolation

Kel paused, looking at it. He had to explain why he picked those. It was about Basil. He missed him already. What bothered himself? Talking about homophobia and eating disorders were things that were heavily judged by the world. His classmates and/or teacher were not an exception. Kel covered his paper as the teacher walked by. The other students were talking to each other, but he didn't want to anymore. He was scared. Explaining everything was too much. He didn't want to fuck up and say something and become another one of Aubrey's victims. There was that other gang that was so much worse. Kim, Vance, Angel... they just punched and kicked a bit. Those other ones almost hospitalized that gay kid last year. He couldn't talk about it. He didn't believe that it was safe, even for adults. They'd tell. Kel scribbled the words out.

The world has too much garbage and it's important to recycle. Talking about it now will make it better in the future.

Faraway high school needs better quality food. Outside of the school, too. Burger King, 7-11, and that donut place are not enough. The breakfast and lunch here are garbage.

Kel was struggling with a third answer already. He held his head in his hands, looking down at the paper. He kept thinking about food; wondering what Hero put in his bag. What if he said "fuck it" and just put brownies and arepas in it? Kel would demolish that. He was scared by the amount of calories, but he could swear he could taste and feel the exact texture of the brownies in his mouth. He wanted to binge. Feeling the tightness of his stomach being full, despite the pain, despite the guilt, despite all of that; it was comforting, for at least a little bit. It felt like a hug. They still had brownies. He could just take a few, say he gave some to Basil, and eat as many as he wanted without Hero getting mad.

"Kelsey? Are you okay?" Kel jumped up, moving his hands away. He laughed nervously at his teacher, but it came out awkwardly. She wasn't very special. Long grey and white hair, beaded earrings, and a simple patterned dress. All old teachers looked and acted the same. Strict and have no idea what they're talking about. He cleared his throat.

"Yeah, um... I'm just struggling with this. Also, it's Kel, miss." She nodded, patting his back.

"Apologies, Kel. Recycling and everything is important, but going into why will make your answer better. It shows why it should be discussed." Kel nodded. He didn't care about that. He just wanted it to be done. It wasn't like the worksheet would actually change the class.

"And for this one, think about the steps that the school would have to take to implement and fix things. Food service costs a lot of money, and changing it up will take lots of work." Kel shrugged.

"It's just all unhealthy, and boring, and unappealing, y'know? The apple I had this morning was all gritty and gross." She nodded like she understood. Teachers didn't have to eat that crap. They could get whatever they want if they could afford it. The older kids could drive, but gas costed money.

"Yeah, well... hard to do things about that. Just think about it." He nodded again. He wanted her to just go away. She did. No one ever pushed him how he wanted. Kel led into some random crap about dogs and finished up his work, laying his head on the table while waiting for the bell to ring. No one talked to him. Of course. They could probably sense the negativity festering in him. He grabbed his stuff, going to the bathroom during the passing period. Kel went to one further away, between the gym, near the weight room. They didn't have classes until the afternoon. Didn't want anyone to hear what he was about to do. He glanced under the stalls, checking for people, but stopped, seeing a familiar pair of blue and white sneakers.

"Hero? That you?" He sniffled.

"Yeah... unfortunately. God... I'm such a crybaby, aren't I?" Kel stayed outside the stall, against the door.

"Maybe. Can't be any more than Basil."

"Hey... maybe... check the others before you say that, heh..." Kel laughed.

"You're here too? Screw it. Let me get in a stall, too." Kel went between them, closing the door and sitting on the toilet, lid down.

"So. Why we here?" Kel waited for a moment. Basil stuck the tip of the knife under the stall for a moment before pulling it back. He kind of hoped he'd wait to do it for a bit. At least he knew how to take care of it.

"Hero?"

"Just... sad. I don't know. I just cry randomly sometimes. It's more annoying than anything else." Kel nodded, crossing his arms as if Hero could see him.

"I get that. Well, it's been awhile since you've been here. Sure it's stressful." Kel could almost hear him nodding as he sniffled. He looked down at his backpack. Were they going to ask about him? Probably not. He unzipped it, grabbing the lunch. He made a face at it. Salad. Egh... Kel didn't mind it, but it definitely wouldn't fill him up. He'd have to wait until he got home. Then he could eat whatever he wanted. Kel quickly shook his head. He was contradicting himself. The reason why he wasn't losing weight was just because he was eating too damn much. Binging wouldn't help him. He'd feel worse about himself. He'd just have to avoid going home. Controlling it would be start. Well, he had things to do, so... keeping busy wouldn't even give him time to eat. He didn't know what to do with the salad.

Kel stuck it back in his backpack. It was mostly empty, besides a few folders, Basil's notebook, and some misfit papers. He'd already learned to fake his mom's signatures, so he had all the papers the teachers forced parents to sign for no reason. He stood up, putting his bag on his shoulder once again.

"Class is going to start soon. If you two need to stay, it's okay, but-" Kel jumped up as the bell rang.

"See you guys later!" Kel ran. He didn't want to go to class, but being late would be worse. He stopped quickly, about halfway there. Out of breath, again. Thankfully, the hall was empty. He hated this. Kel stayed against the wall, looking at the ceiling. He was so tired. He should have gone to bed earlier. It was too hard. He'd have to push through, despite the urge to run home and go to bed. He looked up as the announcement speaker crackled on.

"Students last name A through H need to head to the auditorium for health checks. Your teacher will dismiss you." Kel looked up at it for a second. He'd done these. Just wearing some weird headphones and raising his hands on the side it made the noise, along with vision charts. That was fine. He turned around as people came out of the classrooms, heading towards the auditorium, trying to blend in. He kept his eyes to the ground and pretended to look bored. Kel glanced at his watch. Still had 6 hours of school left... gross. He switched to the steps. 2700. 24 calories. He'd have to pace around. Whatever. He needed to. Kel freaked out as someone pulled on the top handle of his backpack.

"What the he- oh. Hi." Jay smiled at him, but his expression fell.

"I... um... sorry about earlier. I don't know what came over me. Your friend just is kinda... off." Kel shrugged.

"Yeah. Don't care. It's okay, but I care about him a lot. Don't be mean to him, okay?" Jay nodded before they continued walking. There was a big line of all the students in between the seats leading up to the stage. Kel only knew that the theater kids tended to practice there. He stayed quiet with Jay.

"So... are you gonna be ready?" Kel tilted his head at him.

"For what?"

"Tryouts are today." Kel jumped up.

"They are? I had no idea! Oh crap..." He looked down, but Jay pat his shoulder.

"It's okay. I didn't either. I think it's kind of a surprise thing to show you're ready whenever or something. But, you got this. Just figured I should tell you now that I know." Kel nodded, turning around. He looked down at his stomach.

"Wish I had more time... still need to slim down a bit."

"You'll be fine, I promise. Some of those guys can barely make a one pointer. I can tell you're kinda stressed, since you brought your backpack for some reason, but you'll get through it." It wasn't even about that. He didn't want to have to change or have anyone see him until he looked how he felt he was supposed to look. It was reassuring, though. He was surprised Jay didn't call him out on skipping class. Hero would. Kel didn't see him or Basil yet.

"Thank you." Kel looked up at the table. One of the student government people was running it. The guy sitting next to her was talking with Jay.

"Name?"

"Um... Kelsey Herrera. Go by Kel, though." She went through the cards before pulling one out.

"Alright, just hand this over to that guy over there and they'll get everything checked for you." Kel nodded, thanking her and taking it before stepping to the side as she helped the next student. He looked at it.

"Wait..."

There were blank spots. He looked up. They weren't checking their eyes and ears. They were taking their height and weights. Jay walked up the left side, standing near him on the stage.

"Coming?" Kel nodded, walking up the stairs. They'd see it. He'd see it. Everyone else would see it.

"Yeah."

Chapter Text

Kel walked up the steps, but didn't feel it. He wasn't ready. He got into another line, Jay in front of him.

Kel's first question, waiting, was why? Why with this many people? Did it matter that much to know their weights? Did they have no sensitivity to people like him? What did that even mean? Kel shook his head. He could get his height, but just refuse the weight. Worse that could happen was he'd get dentition, probably. He didn't care. He didn't want to see it, let alone anyone else. What if they were taking it to weed out the fat kids? Send them off to some dumb exercise class during their free time? Kel knew it was unlikely, but he didn't want anyone to know. No one. Jay went off to the weight side while he stopped at the height one. He held out the card.

"Alright, take off your shoes and go right there, standing straight up." Kel complied, taking them off, also dropping his backpack down. The guy sounded and looked bored. He did want to know his height, so he was fine with this. The plastic piece hit his head softly.

"5 foot 7." Kel grinned, hopping off.

"YES! 3 inches in a year!" The guy looked at him questionably, but handed the card back. Kel could feel people looking. He regretted being loud now. He couldn't stop that. It was his personality. He grabbed his stuff, keeping his shoes off. Kel walked past Jay, waving as he went over. As soon as he went past, his smile disappeared once again. The other person was one of the nurse's assistants. She was actually at the middle school last year. Kel knew her. Crap.

"Hi, Ms. Stone! Been awhile..." You're so much heavier. You look disgusting. She's judging you. She's saying those same things you say to yourself in the mirror in her head.

"Hi Kel! Wow, you've gotten a lot taller! That's good." Fatter, too.Kel forced his brain to shut up.

"Thanks, eheh... so, um... I know this is what you're supposed to be doing right now, and stuff, but... I really don't want to know my weight. Just... is it okay if you just write it? Don't say it? I sound dumb, but... yeah." She looked a bit worried, but took it.

"I understand, sweetie. Just step backwards so you don't see it." Kel smiled in relief, doing as she said. He didn't even like the feeling of being on the scale. The people over there could see her moving the little weights around if they looked close. They could figure it out.

"Alright, 174."

Kel felt the blood drain from his face.

"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say it..."

"It's okay. Thank you."

"I'm sorry. Really." Kel smiled.

"No, I needed to know. I've been avoiding it for awhile." She looked uneasy.

"If you say so... just... again-"

"Stop. Please." She quickly wrote on the card before handing it over. Kel grabbed it with the rest of his stuff, leaving out a side door on the stage. He handed the card to another person at a table. He walked for a bit before standing against the wall at a hard-to-see corner, dropping his shoes and backpack. Despite eating almost nothing, he had the urge to vomit. He slid to the floor.

There was no rage, or sadness, or bitterness. Just shock. Almost 55 pounds he had to deal with. How much more suffering until he was comfortable? It took him 11 months to get that heavy. The anniversary of Mari's death was in less than a month. It wasn't possible. Maybe by her birthday. 120 pounds. 5 1/2 months. 10.2 pounds per month. 2.5 pounds per week. That was... doable. Hard, but possible. He needed to look things up. Screw his math class. This was more important to him.

Kel pulled on his shoes, looking around. No Jay. He could go. He hurried to the closest staircase, bee-lining to the library. He had to figure it out. Almost no one around. He stopped at one of the computers, farther away from the open areas. Clunky and crappy, but they were easier than trying to deal with books. He opened up google.

How much to eat to lose 2.5 pounds a week

He scrolled a bit until he found a decent looking website.

Nutritional needs vary based on height, weight, and activity level. This calculator works to figure out how much you should be eating in a day. Our new product will also boost your metabolism and work to-

Kel clicked the link. He entered his height, weight, and then age.

Please input a number 18-100

Alright, Kel was now 18.

Activity level
-Sedentary (>1 hour of exercise per week)
-Lightly active (1-3 hours of exercise per week)
-Moderately active (3-6 hours of exercise per week)
-Highly active (7+ hours of activity per week)

"Highly, I guess?" Kel clicked it.

For your data, you should eat:
2740 calories per day
To lose .5 lbs per week: 2490
To lose 1 lbs per week: 2240
To lose 1.5 lbs per week: 1990
To lose 2 lbs per week: 1740

"Nope." Kel changed the activity to sedentary.

For your data, you should eat:
2120 calories per day (to maintain weight)
To lose .5 lbs per week: 1870
To lose 1 lbs per week: 1620
To lose 1.5 lbs per week: 1370
To lose 2 lbs per week: 1120

Why didn't it go lower? Stupid. 1100, rounded down. That was the new limit. Hero said 1200. He was almost right. He sat back, pulling out the notebook and changing it. One by one, he looked up and remembered foods that didn't have the numbers listed, like fruit and meat. Kel was satisfied with knowing, but at the same time, he felt weird about it. Did normal people care about this? Most people kept track of their calories when dieting, right? He paused, looking at the time. His next class was coming up. Better go. Kel's mom would be mad about one class being skipped, but two? No way. He didn't want to deal with that. He grabbed his things and went.

-

Tired.

"So to start off, looking at the laws of physics created by Isaac Newton, we'll be conducting and experiment next class with this track and a metal ball. This will show that-"

Bored.

"If you know some Spanish, you should probably talk to me after class to see if this class is still right for you."

Hungry...

Kel could feel it. Exhaustion and irritability. To top it off, his stomach was growling again. He ignored it, like he knew he'd have to get used to. At least it was time for lunch. Well, the preassigned period of the day called that. Kel waited for Basil at the main entrance to the cafeteria. Most people walked this way. Kel turned at a poke on his cheek. Basil looked at him with a little smile, before fading.

"You look... sad. Did something happen?" Kel glanced at most of the people walking by. A good amount of them left the school to get lunch. Even if he was still overweight, he felt like he was ahead of them, since he was trying to lose weight, while they would go and eat whatever garbage they could. If he had the money and accessibility, would he have been like that? Reliant on food? Well, Kel kind of was, but he only binged on really bad days. Those people ate out almost every day. Did they even know how many calories were in fries? Sugar? Oil? Did they even care? How did they not feel horrible?

Another poke, but harder. Kel swatted his hand away out of instinct.

"Sorry- hi." Basil stepped closer, using his body to hide the view of his hand moving to hold Kel's.

"What do you want to do?" Kel shrugged.

"I don't know. I don't want anything, but my body won't shut up." Basil glanced around.

"Well... I won't force you, b-but... I'm hungry, so... kind of need it." Kel smiled, moving to hold his face, pausing and moving to put it on his shoulder instead.

"You do. Come on."

-

Lunch went about the same as breakfast for Kel, minus a few things. This time, his stomach was audibly growling, which was annoying. Every time Basil took a bite of his food, Kel drank some of the water, but it wasn't working. Aubrey didn't show up, and Kel knew why. Her and her friends usually left with her, but if they didn't, they'd usually go behind the gym, outside. Kel was glad for that. Meant they wouldn't mess with him or Basil. He was back to laying his head down on the table.

"I'm so tired." Basil gestured the fork at him. The lunch today was undercooked lasagna and a dinner roll. Woo.

"Well, you know why?"

"Yeah... it feels wrong." Basil took a deep breath, pushing the tray away. Just a couple meals and some rest made him look a lot better.

"How about this? I go buy one of those pieces of yummy looking strawberry cake, and we split it, and that's your lunch. Because, if you don't eat, you'll just feel worse."

"Calories, though... why... do they make cake so good?" Basil snorted. Kel loved when he did that. It meant he was really happy.

"Well, because it's supposed to be a treat! You can have a little bit. It's not that much, I promise." Kel looked at his eyes. Pretty.

"Ehhhhhhh... I don't know." Basil blinked, begging. Kel sighed, nodding.

"Yay! Kel gets cake!"

-

"It's... huh. How did they undercook and burn it at the same time?" Basil shrugged.

"I don't really care, but it's strawberry, so I'm eating it." Kel looked at the fork. Plastic, black, with little bumps to grip it. Wider and sturdier than most. Good fork, for being plastic.

"Do I wanna waste calories on this?" Kel looked, seeing Basil already finished his.

"Look, you only had that apple. That's like, 95 calories. This thing? Maybe... 200? You have to eat dinner. Why not? You'll still lose weight if you didn't eat earlier." Kel glanced around. Someone seeing him, a fat kid, eating cake, didn't feel right. Neither did allowing himself to eat this. He had to have the control so that when he didn't have a choice on whether or not he could eat, he could hold back. He couldn't estimate his dinner. Would anyone be home? If he had that one frozen thing... with this cake... 600 calories. His max was 1100. That was okay.

"It's okay. I... guess I'll eat it." Kel stabbed the fork in, but felt Basil watching him.

"Can you... like... look away?" Basil looked at him, nervous. Kel felt bad instantly. He didn't want to make him upset, at all, even for his own boundaries.

"Yeah... s-sorry... social skills kinda suck right now." Kel looked around again. No one was watching him, including Basil. He put the cake in his mouth. The outside was dry and crunchy, including the icing, and the actual cake was wet with some weird strawberry syrup, but it was too runny and made the cake liquify. Kel hesitantly swallowed it, feeling his body relax at the sugar, but making a face at the texture.

"It's... alright. Wish it was better cake, though... I'll survive." Basil looked back, smiling. The sunlight coming in from one of the windows was hitting him from the side. Kel smiled back. He was lucky to get Basil. He was sweet and caring and... oh. Kel covered his mouth.

"Kel? Are you alright?" He glanced up but looked back down at the cake as it blurred.

"Yeah... just, um... it's dumb." He didn't want to say it out loud.

"What is it? It's okay if you don't want to say, but... you just started crying so... kinda worried." Kel shook his head, wiping his eyes with the wrist band.

"Can't say it. I'll cry more. Just..." Kel grabbed out his notebook, flipping to the back.

I love you so much. Thank you.

Kel slid it over, watching Basil do something similar to him. He grabbed Kel's pen, writing in his much neater handwriting.

Thank you. I love you too, Kel.

Chapter Text

Kel ran his fingers along the writing. Basil put his hand on his briefly, jumping up as the bell rang. It surprised Kel a bit, but he saw Basil flinch.

"Well... class time. I'll see you after school. Just like... wait over there. Aubrey goes through a side hall, so we can avoid her that way." Basil nodded, smiling at him one last time. Kel quickly ate the rest of the cake. Didn't want to enjoy it, even if it sucked, but he also didn't want to waste it. He headed to his next class, but stopped in a mostly empty hall.

"Gym... then weights..." Kel went to the bathroom from earlier, taking the notebook out again. Forgot to write his weight. He still felt weird about it. The shock was starting to turn into anger. He knew people made mistakes, but he still wished it didn't happen. 174... wait.

"Bro... god dammit." 174 divided by two. 100 divided by two was 50, 70 divided by two was 35, and 4 divided by two was 2. 50 + 35. 85. 85+2. 87. Kel was double Basil's weight. He knew he shouldn't have eaten that. He had to do so much work, suffer so much, just to be even a bit close to that weight. He stuck it back in his backpack, putting up the toilet lid and getting on his knees. He fucked up. Shouldn't have had that... now he had to do this. Kel opened his mouth. looking at the toilet. He closed his eyes, remembering Basil's smile as he agreed to eat.

"I don't want to do this..." He looked around. This was disgusting, for multiple reasons. He touched the door handle, so those germs were on his hands. There was probably dry piss on the floor, and along with that, the toilet was right there. Thinking about it made Kel nauseous. He gripped at his shirt before standing up. He wouldn't do this anymore. He made a rule, and wanted to keep with it. There was nothing graceful, nothing nice, nothing good about throwing up in a bathroom. He had to go to class anyways. He already skipped one, and this was what he loved. Exercise. Moving. Being fast.

Kel looked at the pedometer. 3501 steps. 32 calories. He could at least burn off that apple. The second half of the period, for 20 minutes, he could exercise however he wanted. It would track on the treadmill. That was easy enough. Kel liked walking, so there was no problem. He got up, standing outside the locker room. A guy he didn't know walked in, making him step to the side. Other people didn't care about being seen like that, at least not in the way he did. Kel stepped in. Him and that one guy. The bell would ring soon. He put his backpack in his locker, grabbing his gym clothes. Kel already brought them here, since he expected the class to have a workout last time, but they didn't. Couldn't do much about it. He looked at the other guy nervously, pretending to be busy, shuffling around in his bag for nothing.

"Better hurry if you don't wanna be late." Kel shrugged, waiting for him to leave before pulling off his shirt and shorts. He had to take the suit off for this. He would hyperventilate while running and pass out. He took it off, relieved, but also uncomfortable without it on. Kel changed unceremoniously, eyes away, before going out, just barely making it on time.

-

As Kel expected, it was pretty freeform, but he didn't expect this much freedom. The class just did a few laps and the coach let them do whatever in the weight room. Kel loved it. There were a bunch of new things for him to try, so he started by going around and doing a few reps on all of them. He got a bit embarrassed when he put the weight too high on a machine and it pulled him up, even though he could pull it down, making everyone look at him. He eventually figured everything out, still disappointed by how little he could bench press. He could do the bar now, which he was pleased with, but still felt a bit pathetic when the guy he saw added two 50 pound weights to it.

Kel was sad.

It was quickly followed by anger as an exercise band hit him in the head.

"Crap, sorry about that. Haven't used one of those before." Kel picked it up, rubbing at where it hit.

"It's okay. It happens..." Kel turned around, holding it out. Hm. Blue hair. She took it from him.

"Sorry. Again. Really." Kel glanced her over. Muscular, for a girl. Also had expensive gym clothes. Probably had more muscles than him, judging by her arms. Dang. Now he felt even more weak.

"It's alright! Just... watch the aim, I guess? I don't know... I'm awkward." He felt pathetic. He couldn't do this. There were too many people and he just kept comparing, always coming out worse.

"Well, I guess I'm awkward too. Name's Cris." She stuck her hand out. Formal. Kel was confused, but took it.

"Kel... I'm Kel, I mean." Her hand was sweaty, but so was his.

"So... are you new around here? Haven't seen you before." She laughed. Kel felt positive energy from her. Was he still like that to other people?

"Well... that's kind of complicated. I was off at boarding school for awhile, but I came back recently to live with my parents." Kel squinted, looking closer.

"Wait... you do look familiar." Cris looked confused as he looked closer at her nose.

"OH MY GOD! You're literally my neighbor! That's so embarrassing... I remember you from way back when you let me and my bro swim in your pool!" Kel regretted exclaiming as people looked. He wished the fear would go away.

"It's chill, it's been awhile. So, what have you been up to? Haven't seen you since like... 4th grade." Kel froze a bit. She probably didn't even know about Mari.

"Well... life. I don't know. Played basketball last year and I'm trying again this year. Hope it goes well." Cris smiled.

"That's great! I'm actually on the swim team this year! Will probably see you in here a lot, if you get on it. I'm sure you will. You always ran so fast, I'm sure you'll be a good point guard." Kel smiled softly. That was really sweet.

"Thank you... that's what the goal is. Was hoping I'd be a bit taller by now, but I am still a freshman, I guess. Some of us don't even get to play our first year. Don't know why I'm saying this, since I'm not actually on the team yet. Words are coming out of my mouth, blegh..." Cris looked at him funny, but shrugged it off.

"Yeah, well, sure you'll make it. We should probably get back to it. We are in class, after all." Kel looked around for the teacher, but he was just standing in a corner, looking at his clipboard.

"Agreed. See you later."

-

Talking to Cris brought Kel's energy back up, more than from the food he had. He did a few basic sets with some dumbbells before moving to walk on the treadmill, zoning out.

Kel believed in himself, at least in one way. He would, and could, lose weight. He just had to stay strong, busy, and work hard. Well, he had two more classes before tryouts, but- Crap. Basil. Well... Kel could just bring him, he guessed. He looked at the pedometer before his eyes widened a bit. He burned 100 calories, just from 20 minutes of walking a bit faster than usual. Hm. It kind of sucked, and was boring, but if it was this easy, he should walk more. It was just hard to find somewhere to go in Faraway. He always felt the need to have a goal.

"Alright! Class is about to end, so go change!" Kel slowed down, turning off the treadmill. His legs felt weird from it. He wiped his head with his sweatband, sighing. Still sweat inside as much as he did when running on the court at the park. He went up to the teacher. He didn't really stick out to Kel. Just a middle aged guy, probably had two kids and a wife, probably went on hikes with his dog... Kel didn't need to talk to him to figure out what he was like.

"Um, sir, I have a question. I have P.E next, so should I change into my other clothes? I mean... sweat is everywhere." He glanced for a second.

"No, but you should shower, and get some new clothes for next time." Kel didn't want to deal with that, and absolutely didn't want anyone seeing him naked. He could just get some wipes or something.

"Okay. Thank you." Kel waited in the hallway while the other people changed. Gym was preferred in some ways to him, and not in others. He liked playing the games a lot, but either got too eccentric and showed off or completely failed in it. Dodgeball was a good one, but volleyball usually ended in a bloody nose for him.

A few minutes later, the bell rang, and he went to wait in the gym with a different teacher. Kel felt the soreness already forming in his shoulders and biceps, but they were playing dodgeball, which he liked, so he went all-out. He loved moving, letting his body work and figure it out by itself. Aiming and picking people made Kel think, but he felt his best on a court like this. It was where he was better than most people, and even if he liked to stay humble, Kel knew it.

-

After enough dodging, it was down to him and one other guy, small and skinny, but fast. Kel wanted to be like that, minus how nerdy he looked. He'd be harder to hit if he was smaller.

"Come on! Just do it already!"

"Aw, scared?" Kel stepped to the side as the ball launched to his side, avoiding it.

"Pussy..." Kel laughed, along with part of the class.

"Language!" Kel stood up straight, holding one of the foam balls tight in his hand. He knew he could hit him, but that was too easy. He watched closely, walking to the half point line, the other guy backing up to the edge of the room.

"We can wait here all day, or you could just hit me. Kind of want to move on, if that's okay with you." He threw a ball, which almost got Kel on the side, but he barely missed. One ball was left on his side.

"Really? Dumb fucking fatass..." Kel stepped back, a bit shocked that he actually said that, before a ball came hurling towards his head. He didn't even need to think, squatting down to the floor and throwing the ball in his hand. Almost got him in the face, but Kel hit him in the throat, making him cough and fall to the ground. The teacher and a couple students ran over to help, but most stayed and cheered for Kel.

"For your information, I'm only 25 pounds overweight, so shut up." Kel glared before he sighed. He shouldn't be petty like that. He walked over to the other guy, holding his hand out as he caught his breath.

"Sorry about that. Didn't mean to hit you there." He paused, but took Kel's hand, pulling him up.

"I shouldn't have insulted you. I just get competitive and mad and shit." Kel smiled.

"I'll just take that as an apology. I don't like having stressful things at school."

-

Back in the locker room, Kel wasn't sure about what he should do. He had an open period before his last class, so he waited for the room to clear out. No more gym classes, so he could stay there. He had two choices.

Wait until then, or exercise more. The pedometer said he'd burnt 145 calories, which was good, but Kel knew he could do better. But he knew better than to push it, since he'd have to work harder later. Waiting would take forever, since it was a total of an hour and a half he had to kill, but he had some homework.

Kel needed to better that part of himself, too. He knew he was smart, he just never wanted to do homework. Something about sitting down in silence, focusing on just one thing, sitting still, was hard for him. He just needed the right spot and mood. Now was the time. Kel went to the library.

-

"Math..."

What is x equal to if 2x+3=4x?

"Why does x need to be solved for? It's a letter." He tried to focus. There was something he needed to do with subtracting.

2x=4x-3

"No, that's not it. Stupid..."

Why am I so fucking stupid? Everyone else heard it exactly the same. I paid attention. I did it fine in class. Why can't I do it now? What's wrong with me?

Kel stared at the problem for a few seconds before closing the paper in his notebook, putting it away. He should've just worked out more. He was actually good at that. Just 15 more minutes...

A snack would help. Maybe. No... that would just be a distraction. What if he got food on it? That would be embarrassing to hand in. It would show he had no control. Kel had it. Just don't eat. It was simple.

It was hard, though. He needed something. One minute had barely passed. Kel grabbed the salad. Some grilled chicken on the top... just one piece. That's it. Then that thing for dinner. Nothing else. He glanced around before popping the piece in his mouth. It was... eh. Nothing special. Kel swallowed it, putting it away. He could do it. Just... don't eat anything else. It would pay off, even if he was exhausted. He'd feel better later. Happier, friendlier, more energetic, if he just stuck with it. A few months. It wasn't too bad. Just... a few minutes.

Kel stared off into space. Racing thoughts stopped just behind the layer of fogginess that had been present for a few days, paralyzing him as he waited. The presence of a few cubes of chicken felt like the ultimate temptation. It was just a salad. Not even that high in calories. Why was he scared of a salad? It made no sense.

Regardless, Kel went to the bathroom and dumped it into the trash before heading to his final class.

Chapter Text

Hm. Kel's first thought on this teacher was that he felt like a teenager, even though he wasn't. He had brought in a skateboard which was sitting by its trucks on the whiteboard, along with having a picture of a transformer open in photoshop on his computer, projecting on the board. Eh. Kel didn't really care too much about his teachers. He seemed cool, talking to a student enthusiastically with a button up shirt and dress pants on, but Kel wasn't in the mood for that today. He sat down at his assigned computer, a bit close to the teachers desk, waiting for the bell to ring.

What if he got home and binged? Kel always felt fine not eating during the day until he got back. There were still some snacks there, just less than before. What if he just ate some of that ice cream instead of the meal he planned? Keep it the same number, but just have that instead? Kel thought about it before deciding against it. Less volume meant he'd be hungrier later. The bell rang.

Kel expected something different, some weird "how do you do kids, I'm hip and relatable" type of approach, but he was just like any other teacher. The rest of the time was simple, just drawing the picture he had on the board, then free time. Kel wasn't really good at drawing. Not the worst, but he could copy it decent enough. He rushed a bit, wanting to be done with it, laying his head down. Headache. Sucked. Kel got taken out of his nap as his teacher started talking to someone next to him. Kel tuned it out.

"I used to actually be like, super fat and stuff. Here, look at my old license."

"Wait, that's you? You don't even look like the same person!"

Kel wanted that. Was he even himself right now? He definitely felt like someone else.

-

Kel managed to sleep a little bit more, sensing everyone getting up to leave. He got confused by the clock. He turned to his teacher, looking at the monitor at his desk.

"Did something happen?"

"Well, you took a nap, but I usually let people go early." Kel raised his eyebrows. An actually cool teacher.

"Epic." Kel packed up his stuff, but waited as the classroom emptied out, until it was just the two of them left.

"Hey, um... I heard you talking to Trent earlier. Just... wondering, how did you lose the weight?" He made eye contact with him for a second before going back to his screen, which made Kel nervous. That wasn't an appropriate thing to ask someone he just met and barely knew.

"It wasn't too complicated. Stopped doing crap like eating a large pizza by myself for dinner. Started giving a shit when I couldn't buy jeans at the normal clothes stores. It took awhile, but I feel a lot better than before. Definitely worth it." Kel glanced out the window. He didn't want to be like that. Ever.

"Well, congrats on doing that. I still have awhile to go." Kel didn't want to talk more about it. He stood up, heading for the door.

"See ya."

-

Just a few minutes left. Kel waited for Basil at the spot they picked out, but kept thinking about that interaction. What if he was like that instead? Binging every day? He refused to eat pizza when Hero took him to Gino's after he started gaining weight, because he knew he could eat the entire thing, which would just make it worse. Hell, probably still could. Kel could fuck up a pizza right about now. He couldn't do that even if he wanted. No money.

A poke on his forehead. Kel glanced up.

"What do you want, Aubrey?" She pouted at him.

"Aw, that's mean. Assuming I want something, right as I show up?" Kel rolled his eyes.

"Why else would you talk to me?" Aubrey nodded in agreement.

"True. You're right, I do want something. It starts with 'B' and ends in 'asil'." Kel scoffed.

"I'm not gonna let you bully him anymore, and I'm definitely not going to help you do it. You have no idea what he's dealing with." Kel knew Aubrey, even if she was different than before. If she knew about his self harm and suicidal thoughts, she'd almost be guaranteed to stop. But, it wasn't Kel's place to tell her about that stuff. There was also a small chance it would make things worse. He'd ask Basil about it.

"You suck." Kel made his fingers into a heart as she walked out the entrance, flipping him off behind her back, just before the bell rang. She probably skipped and was trying to escape before she got in trouble. He went back to spacing out, snapping out of it as people started to shuffle into the hallway. So many. The middle school felt so small in comparison. He didn't know anyone, aside from the hooligans, Jay, Cris, Basil, and Aubrey. Oh, and Hero, of course. Kel didn't see him all day. Well, they were a few years apart. None of the same classes.

Kel almost fell over as Basil ran over and jumped onto him, hugging tight. He smiled and blushed at it, but pried him away before he destroyed Kel's ribs.

"Kel! I just heard you have tryouts!" He laughed nervously.

"Yeah... and they're like, now. I forgot to tell you earlier." Basil shrugged.

"I forget things all the time." Kel shrugged back.

"Well... I gotta stay after for that, which means no bus. I don't want to force you to walk, so you should go get it now." Basil shook his head quickly, making his hair fluff up.

"Nope. I am now your personal cheerleader. Let's go to the gym." Kel smiled. Cute. They walked off together. Kel wanted to hold his hand again.

The gym was basically empty. 9 random dudes were on the bleachers, mostly keeping quiet and to themselves. Kel went with Basil to sit a good distance away at the top.

"Do you know how they see what they want?" Kel shrugged, drinking some water. Man. He liked water. Felt so clean in his body.

"Nope. In middle school they just took whoever because not that many kids showed up. As you can see, there's a lot more this time." Basil nodded.

"Kel... um... I-"

"ALRIGHT, WHO'S READY TO BATTLE TO THE DEATH?!" Kel and Basil both flinched as a burly looking old guy yelled while walking into the gym.

"Me?" He laughed heartily at Kel's response. Kel was immediately reminded of his dad.

"In all seriousness, all of y'all get down here." Basil pat Kel's arm as he got up.

"Good luck." Kel smiled back at his smile. Basil felt like the sun. He wanted to protect that smile as long as he could.

"You comin', blondey?" Basil laughed nervously.

"N-no. Just... supporting." The coach shrugged.

"Alright, gotta get your names down here. You first." Kel blushed as all the other guys looked at him, suddenly feeling very gay.

"Kelsey Herrera. Go by Kel, though." He nodded, going through the names of the other boys.

"Okay. So, you all know that this is, in fact, high school basketball. I'm your coach, Mr. Deaver. Coach works just fine, too. I've been coaching here for almost 15 years, A-K-A, longer than some of you have been alive." Kel agreed with that. He was older than most of the other people in the same grade, including Basil, even if it was just by a few months.

"Some of y'all are experienced, some of you aren't. Some of you are faster, some of you are stronger. And, mostly, some of you are taller, and some of you are shorter. I'm gonna test you guys by having you do 1 on 1 rounds, just seeing who can score first. I'll be looking for a few things and picking three of you total. Is anyone here not a freshman?" No one responded. Kel was relieved weight wasn't brought up. He was taller than most of the other boys, but definitely wasn't the tallest. One of the taller ones was heavier than him, too, which was reassuring.

"Alright. I'm gonna have to give you guys some bad news. Most freshman rarely get to play. Things can change, however. Upperclassmen move away, have things happen, etcetera. Injuries, scheduling, whatever. Despite this, if you do get pushed out, and do a good job, you'll be considered for varsity. If not, upperclassmen get to go out regularly, so it'll just be a couple years. If you're still interested, I'll pair you up now." Kel saw a few of them look more nervous than before, but no one left. He knew it was like that. He'd just have to try harder.

Kel got put with someone he didn't know. Taller than him, thinner, but more muscular. Clearly a challenge. Even if he didn't look like that, he was confident enough that he'd be considered. He went back up to sit next to Basil as the first two boys started.

Coach put the ball in the middle of the court, having two boys stand at the 3-point line, before blowing his whistle. Immediately, the guy on the right tripped, letting the one on the left grab the ball. He went to the goal on his side, jumping and doing a layup into the basket. Kel was impressed, but felt bad. The other guy just fumbled on accident. He didn't even get up until it was over.

"Zach, was it? Go to the nurse. Your nose is bleeding." He put his arms in a shrug before scoffing, walking out.

"Bad luck." Kel shrugged.

"Crap happens. Might of just had shitty shoes, or stepped a bit wrong." Basil hummed.

"I wish we could cuddle or something." Kel blushed a little.

"Me too... just have to wait until we're all done."

-

The next three rounds were pretty simple. Whoever got the ball first had the advantage, Although, on the second one, the guy who had it first missed, letting the second steal it. He almost got it back, but the other one scored first. Kel saw that the bigger guy won his, even though he was slower than the scrappy guy he was with. It made him feel more secure about his own match.

"Alright. Kel and Evan, you're up." Kel suddenly felt a wave of anxiety. All of these people were watching him. Well... he could do it. He played in front of people throughout middle school. Just... he felt like this was his one chance. If he failed, he'd have to deal with disappointing his family. Again. First he's stupid, then gay, then he has an eating disorder. Did his dad even know yet? And his mom didn't even know most of it. He also kept lying to Hero. He was horrible.

Kel shook it off, stepping on the line. He looked him over. White hoodie, glasses, curly dark hair, jeans... put together. He had nice shoes, too. Kel glanced at Basil. He was smiling.

"Go Kel!" Kel grinned at him, laughing. It was barely loud enough for him to hear, but erased the doubt he had. He was stronger. Even if he was sick in the head, even if he wasn't completely normal, he'd been through a lot. That was an advantage. He understood his strengths and weaknesses, and the same thing for others.

"Alright. 3, 2, 1-"

Kel could win.

Then a whistle.

Chapter Text

Humming bus, loud shaking of diesel motors. A perfect system designed to work, until something broke or was taken.

Annoying.

Aubrey sighed, looking out the window. Ugly houses. Hers was no better. She wished everything could just reset. Back to normal. Happiness.

"Aubs? Helloooo?" She side eyed Kim.

"Fuck you want?" Kim narrowed her eyes back at her.

"Goddamn, just wanted to see if you wanted to go get some candy. My mom gave me and Vance pity money." Aubrey shrugged.

"Sure."

-

"What do you think about them?" Aubrey glanced at Vance, pulling a sucker out her mouth. She liked sitting at the fountain. The sunset was pretty. That would never change.

"Who?"

"The loverboys." Aubrey glared at the sidewalk.

"It's stupid. I don't know what the hell Kel sees in Basil. He's pathetic and annoying." Kim turned and leaned forwards, dipping her hand in the fountain.

"Goes both ways. Kel's gotten kinda fat. I don't know why Basil would like that, it's gross." Vance turned, splashing the fountain water in her face.

"GAH! What the hell, man?!" Kim wiped at her face with her hoodie, taking of her glasses. Aubrey snorted a little.

"Me and Charlie are kinda big. So... that was rude." Kim pouted, blowing some wet hair out of her face. Aubrey looked at her.

"Yeah. There's plenty of other things about him to make fun of. He's had the same haircut since he was like, 10." Kel ignored her, sure, but he wasn't nearly as bad as Basil. She knew that he had problems with that stuff. She'd do to him what he did to her; ignore.

"You know what I meant. Kel's annoying as shit, he's always sweaty from running around, and his dog always barks when I walk over there. Basil get scared when someone sneezes. Just don't get it." Aubrey felt a spark of guilt, but snuffed it down.

"He just wants a little doggy to protect him. He can bat his eyes and get whatever he wants from him. Basil is manipulative." He made her come over to his house after begging for days, just to ignore her, knowing she'd look and find how he'd destroyed all of their memories. Helped her for years, just to abandon it all.

"Kel has to be stupid to stay around him, let-alone kiss him. Ew... kissing." Aubrey shrugged. Kel wasn't stupid, even if he usually acted that way. He'd figure it out.

"Yeah. Ew."

-

Shit.

Kel stepped left. He stepped right. Kel went right, he went left.

"We're gonna just be here forever if you don't make a move." Kel managed to grab the ball first, but the guy he was matched with went behind him, blocking his goal. He dribbled the ball.

"Fine with that. Just give me it and we'll be done." Kel looked at him like he was stupid.

"Nah. I got it." Kel threw the ball to right side of the court, making his partner move to run towards it. Kel ran to it, turning and grabbing it before him, running to the side.

"God dammit! Get back here!" Kel laughed, running away towards his basket. He got close, jumping to do a layup. It hit the board, rolling on the rim, before falling down to the floor. Kel almost always got those. He paused for a moment.

Failure.

Kel blinked as the guy ran over, scooping the ball up. He snapped back into it, running after him. Kel caught up quickly, but he threw it at the 2-point line, getting it in the hoop. He stared in disbelief, hearing the whistle. He should of made that. Kel sighed, hanging his head as he walked back to the bleachers. He sat next to Basil, but couldn't look at him. He encouraged him, just for him to screw it up. The coach grabbed the ball, going to the middle of the court.

"Alright. You guys just hang out here for a bit, and I'll come back with a decision." He walked out into the hallway, prompting the boys to talk to each other.

"Kel... it's okay." Kel looked away, feeling his chest tighten up.

"No. It's not." Basil put his hand on his back, rubbing.

"I promise... everything is going to be okay." Kel glared away. It wouldn't. He needed this. He needed this so bad. If he didn’t just fuck up and made the shot, like he’d done hundreds of times. What was wrong with him? Things had changed, but he knew how to do this.

"Alright. Time to break some good and bad news." Kel wanted to run away. If he did that, it was at least his choice if he didn't play.

"Zach got disqualified because he couldn't play, so there's that. Other than that, the rest of you guys did good. But most of you didn't do anything too extraordinary. So... here's who made it." Kel fidgeted with the strings on his shorts. Usually he’d pat his legs or tap his feet when he was nervous or hyperactive, but he needed something more engaging. He was scared. What would happen if he didn’t make it? His mom would be so disappointed. Hero would be disappointed. His dad would be disappointed.

"Evan, Trinidad, and Kel." Kel stared in disbelief before smiling, grabbing and hugging Basil tightly. A few disappointed sighs came out of the other boys mouths. He was extremely relieved.

"Dude, Kel lost! Why is he on the team?" The coach motioned his hand for Kel to come down. He hurried down, standing next to him.

"That's why. Look how fast he got down here." Kel chuckled.

"For the other two, I'll explain. Trinidad is really tall and ran quick, which is always a benefit, and Evan actually planned by blocking Kel, as well as that two-point shot. The rest of you just grabbed the ball and went. Most of you traveled, too. I didn't say you had to dribble it, but that's a pretty well-known rule you should expect to follow. You let it be easy, which is why you didn't make it." Kel nodded in agreement.

"This is bullshit. You didn't even say any rules, so how would we know that?" The coach shrugged.

"I just have an instinct. It's about spirit. I can just tell who will and will not try, usually immediately. Regardless, that's about all I have to say. The rest of y'all can go home now." The heckler got up and stomped out, the others slowly following, looking a bit disappointed. Basil went down next to him. Kel was a bit unhappy with the way he set it up, but he didn't mind. He made it. He needed this.

"Alright. Welcome to the team. Minus you, I don't know who you are." He pointed at Basil.

"B-Basil, sir. I'm just here for Kel." He gave an acknowledgement nod.

"Alrighty then. So, practice starts tomorrow, same time as today, where you'll get your numbers and jerseys. After that, we'll go from there. Got it?" The three boys nodded in sync. Basil nodded slightly after.

"Dismissed. I say that when we're done. So, dismissed." Kel waited, a bit confused, before he turned and walked off. He went back to Basil, grinning. Basil smiled back.

"I'm so relieved. I was sure I screwed up too badly." Basil shook his head, walking closer. Every time he got close, Kel could feel himself blush.

"Thinking like that can hold you back. I know it's easier said than done, but... even if you struggle, you still try. That's one of the things I really like about you." Kel looked away in embarrassment, glad the other two had left. It was just them now.

"I could say a bunch of things I love about you, but I think this explains it better." Kel cupped Basil's face with his hand, tilting his head and kissing him. It felt like the stars were running through his chest and heart. He pulled back, but turned at Basil's expression, staring at something behind him, blushing. It was the guy that tripped earlier. Based on his face, he saw that.

"Ahem. I need to grab my backpack." Kel saw him blushing as he grabbed it fast and jogged out the door. Kel snorted once he left.

"Really hope that doesn't screw things up later." Basil shrugged.

"He didn't make the team anyways. But... we have to be careful about, y'know..." Kel slumped a bit.

"It sucks. I want to be that preppy football-type that gets a cute girl to give me a big hug and kiss after a success at the big game. Well, the girl is you and you're a guy, and it's basketball, but you know what I mean." Basil looked down.

"It's... okay. I'd be a bit embarrassed about that stuff, a-anyways. Too many people looking.” Kel understood that. He still wanted to show Basil off, though.

"I get it. We should probably start walking, though. It’s better we get this done before anyone comes home." Basil put his hands in the front pocket of his hoodie.

"I don't want to get rid of it. It's special..." Kel

"Come on. It's not safe, you know why you need to get rid of it." Basil looked down.

"...okay."

Chapter Text

Kel liked walking, a lot. But his legs were starting to feel the effects of his two gym classes and tryout. He soldiered on, despite the pain in his ankle. There wasn't an alternative, anyways. He walked with Basil through the neighborhood instead of the main street, even if it was slower. No one was around. Kel brushed his hand on Basil's. He glanced down at Kel's, looking at him. Kel smiled, Basil smiling back, taking his hand. It felt so comfortable. If anything happened, Basil would be there. They stayed quiet, enjoying each other's company, until Basil suddenly let go.

"Basil?" Kel watched him run across the street, stopping at a bush in a random houses lawn. Basil ran back, holding up a small pink and orange flower in each hand, very excited.

"Huh?" Kel was confused, but even more confused when Basil stuck the end of one of the flowers in his mouth.

"W... why are you eating a flower?" Basil spit it out to the side.

"It's a honeysuckle!! They taste really good." Basil stuck it out closer to him. Kel took it, hesitantly putting it in his mouth. He was surprised that it actually did taste good. He took it out.

"You were right. They're pretty, too. Wait-" Kel moved some of Basil's hair, sticking it behind his ear, making him giggle. Basil stuck out his hand again, Kel taking it. They finished walking back quietly. Kel closed his eyes, feeling the sun on his face and arms, the warmth from Basil's hand... this was happiness. He hadn't felt like this in a long time. Kel enjoyed it, stopping as they got close to the park.

"Maybe with enough time, we can hold hands freely, but I don't want Aubrey to have more reasons to tease us." Basil nodded, looking down.

"I still wish we could." Kel glanced at the park. Just a couple randos. Eh. They weren't going there.

"Are you ready?" Basil glanced quickly but stayed locked on the ground.

"I... I guess. Not really. But we'll do it." Kel pat his head, making Basil smile a bit. He started walking, Basil following a few steps behind. Kel stopped on the sidewalk in front of his house, looking at Sunny's. Basil looked, too.

"I... I changed my mind. I can't do this..." Kel frowned.

"Aw, come on Basil! It's been almost a year since you've seen him, same for me. If you're with me, he might come outside. You need to give the knife back to his mom, too." Kel quickly regretted the lecture. He sounded like his own mom, and Basil's expression showed how he received it.

"I-I'm sorry... I can't. I don't want to even be near the backyard, let-alone... Sunny thinks I'm... w-weird." Kel crouched down a bit, getting closer to him. He was tearing up.

"Look, I'm sorry I said it like that. I didn't even think about that. I think Sunny would want to see you, but I get it. Despite all that, even if it's just a knife, it's something that's associated with a lot of bad things. Getting rid of it will make it easier for you to stop cutting." Basil looked away, blinking the tears back.

"Y-you're right... but I can't." Kel was a little disappointed, but he understood. He was a bit hesitant, too. He didn't want Sunny to see him like this.

"It's okay. Just look at me for a second. I don't want to leave you here crying." Basil glanced a few times before finally holding eye contact. Kel brushed his bangs away, quickly kissing his forehead.

"I'll take care of it, alright?" Basil sniffled, nodding. Kel pulled back, Basil reaching in the pocket and pulling out the knife. He looked at the blade closely before turning it around, holding the handle towards Kel.

"Thank you." Kel took it. Felt weird. He was scared of knives even when just cutting up vegetables. They could seriously hurt someone, or even kill them, just with a quick jab in the wrong spot. He pat Basil's head again, turning around. Looking at the door, Kel quickly decided he didn't want to talk to Sunny. His mom wasn't there either, since she always parked in the driveway, so it wouldn't be quick "sorry, here you go" situation.

Kel went to the side of his house, dropping his bag and water bottle on the ground. He dropped the knife over the fence, grabbing the top and jumping while pulling. Not high enough. It used to be so easy, even when he was shorter. He put his foot against it, trying again and getting his stomach on it, flinging his leg over and turning around, dropping to the ground. At least having some padding there made it hurt less. Still not worth it. He picked the knife back up, turning and looking around. So many memories... tag, chasing each other with water guns, climbing the trees...

Kel paused, looking at a stump. It was that tree. Sunny's favorite. He used to sit under it with Basil and Sunny all the time, eating fresh fruit Mari cut up while she played her piano, enjoying the shade... even that old tire swing, that broke only a week after being up, was something Kel enjoyed deeply. It was all gone now. He didn't want to go too far. The treehouse hurt extra hard. His dad actually took time off just to help. That was the last time him, Hero, and his dad would be together with Mari. Ever.

Kel shook his head, slapping his face quickly. He shouldn't trespass longer than he had to. Where could he put this?

Sunny wouldn't really care about getting the knife back. He didn't notice it missing in the first place.

Put it to rest.

Kel went over to the stump, crouching down.

"Mari... I don't know why you did it, and I probably never will. You were beautiful, and kind, and understanding, smart, talented... and you just helped me so much... I couldn't, and still can't make it up to you. I miss you." Kel sighed, moving to his knees. He stabbed the grass, pulling it back to dig a shallow hole. If Sunny really wanted it, he could dig it up. Well, he'd have to ask Basil or himself to know specifically, but it was here. He pushed the dirt back, wiping off the extra.

"I don't know if you exist anymore, if you're a ghost, in heaven or another place like that, but I really hope you can hear me. I love you... and... I'm sorry we didn't see anything. I'm sorry you had to die for us to realize. I'm sorry for everything." Well, now he was crying. He spent a moment looking at it, turning and walking back towards the fence. He glanced at the windows. The piano room had the curtains closed. No one in the living room. He looked up.

"Sunny?" He was facing away, but that was him. Same old black haircut. He was still there. He was okay. Kel smiled in relief, seeing him walk away.

Why hasn't he tried to talk to him? Kel knocked. Kel called. He even talked to his mom a couple times, saying he was just sleeping or busy doing chores. Kel considered him to be his best friend, and he just... did nothing back. Why didn't he care about him? Kel shook the thoughts out. Sunny went through a lot. If he needed space, that was best. When he wanted to come out, he would, even if the loneliness ate away at Kel from the inside. He glanced one last time, jumping back over and grabbing his stuff, walking back to the house. Basil had moved to sit by the front door.

"Hey, so I just buried it in the yard. Not much, but I'll probably leave a voicemail for him." Basil nodded, looking a bit despondent.

"Well... do you wanna stay here or show me the 'surprise'? I still hope it's a Walkman or something. I know it's not, but a man can dream." Basil smiled briefly.

"Surprise." Kel furrowed his eyebrows at that.

"That was the flattest and most despair filled 'suprise' I think I've ever heard." Basil shrugged. Kel guessed he was bummed out about losing his knife.

"Eh." Basil slowly stood up, looking at the ground with a hollow expression. Kel frowned a bit. He'd talk to him about it.

"Okay. Let's go."

-

Basil's house was really pretty. Kel liked it, even if it was smaller and didn't have any AC. The plants made it feel fresh and clean.

"My grandma is usually s-sleeping at this time of day, so we need to be quiet." Kel nodded, Basil opening the door, Kel closing it behind them. It felt quiet and sad. Blue and grey.

"Sooo... where is it?" Basil scrunched up a bit.

"It's stupid. It's not even a suprise..." Kel pat his back, a bit surprised when he flinched. He moved his hand back quickly.

"Basil, I love you. It doesn't matter what it is. You don't have to do anything for me, and you especially don't have get me anything for me to love you." Basil blushed a bit, smiling just barely enough for Kel to notice.

"Okay... I'm sorry. I overthink things a lot." Kel did that on occasion, but even if it was small, he'd wanna show it. Basil walked into the hallway, Kel following. He looked at the shelf in the hallway. He was too short to see it before, but he could actually look at the pictures now. A bit of pain came to his chest seeing the photos Basil had taken, strung up above the lower shelf. Basil and Mari gardening, everyone's hands together with their tickets to that terrible sweetheart movie, and... them together. Sunny, Hero, Aubrey... Hero didn't have those stress lines in his face, Aubrey didn't look nearly as angry or defensive, and Kel looked... happy. He looked away.

"What are you doing?" Kel glanced at him. He wanted to cry. He missed his friends. Basil looked mad. What did he do wrong this time?

"I just... I couldn't see these pictures up here before." Basil's expression softened.

"Oh... sorry. I thought you were looking at the other ones. I-it's okay if you want, just... awkward." Kel glanced at the shelf below. There were three pictures in frames, two facing down. The one facing up was Basil with his grandma, what Kel guessed to be around 8 years old, each holding a pot full of flowers and smiling.

"If you want to look, it's okay. I don't want to talk too much about it, though." Kel hesitated. He was curious about it, but he didn't want to make him uncomfortable. He'd never bothered looking at this shelf before, even if he was tall enough.

"Are you sure?" Basil nodded. He looked a bit embarrassed. Kel put them both up. He was immediately confused.

"That's you, right? Why are you in a dress?" Basil sighed, putting his forehead on his bedroom door with a small thump.

"I'm technically a girl. Those... are my parents." Kel didn't even look at them. On the left was a tall man with blonde hair and green eyes, holding a very tiny Basil in a fluffy blue dress, Kel guessing around 3 years old. The right was a tired looking woman with long dark brown hair, holding his hand and walking down a sidewalk in a garden, Basil in the same dress. Probably taken on the same day. He wouldn't ask about them, but he was confused.

"I didn't know that. But... you let everyone say 'he' and stuff. Also, bit awkward, but your chest is flat. I mean, maybe they're just really small, but-"

Basil hurried over, blushing, putting a hand to cover up Kel's mouth.

"Jeez! Shush! Even though my body is female, my brain is male. Girly stuff makes me uncomfortable, even just the pronouns. And about that second part- I take hormone injections that stop that from happening. There. Still wanna date me?" Kel paused, staring a bit.

"I... of course I do. I don't even know what my sexuality is, and I don't care about what you do or don't have. There's nothing that will make me stop loving you." Basil looked up happily before tearing up. Kel came closer.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm sorry if that was too much." Kel held Basil's face in his hands, tilting his head up, looking in his eyes.

"I know a lot has happened. I also know it's hard to accept compliments and stuff sometimes, but you mean so much to me, even if we've only been together for a couple days. This is a lot at once. I'm sorry." Kel moved his hands down, Basil sniffling.

"I... th-thank you Kel..."

"Do you want a hug?"

"...yes."

Kel was relieved when Basil hugged him softly this time. He pat his head, staying in silence for a couple minutes until Basil stopped crying.

"Basil? Is that you?" Basil pulled back, walking back to his grandma. She very clearly just woke up, apparent from her very whacky hair.

"Yeah, it's me. Kel's here, too." She smiled, coming over to him. He still felt odd about seeing her like this. Kel always remembered her lugging around giant bags of soil, running around the garden out back, and now she could barely walk.

"Hello, dear. I know the last time you were here it was a bit hectic, but please make yourself at home." Kel smiled, waving it off.

"No, it's okay! That was mostly my fault. Sorry about running away suddenly, I should have helped clean up." She looked at him a bit confused and worried. He didn't like that look. He wanted people to be proud, not concerned.

"Nonsense. You were already upset, and then got sick, so I understand why you left. I'm just glad you're okay." Kel nodded and smiled, looking away awkwardly. He didn't know what to say to her. Worry meant he'd be forced to get help.

"Also... I just wanted to say thank you. This is the most Basil has been 'himself' since everything happened, because of you. I appreciate it a lot." Kel laughed awkwardly.

"Of course! I care about him a lot." She pat his shoulder, covering her mouth as she yawned.

"Well... sleep is still calling my name. See you two later." Kel nodded, watching her shuffle back into her room. She smiled at him before shutting the door again.

"She's so nice. I'm glad you have her." Basil came back over.

"I am, too. Well... we should go so we don't keep her up. Surprise time." He sounded a bit flat and tired, but Kel noticed that his tone had improved since they got back.

"Surprise time? Heck yeah! Oop, that was loud. Heck yeah..." Basil chuckled.

"Okay. Just close your eyes for a second." Kel did so, turning around to show he wasn't looking. He got confused by some scraping noises, but waited.

"Taadah... ladder." Kel looked. A stool joined the hallway, next to a ladder that reached down from the ceiling. There was a small opening in the ceiling.

"Oh! I always wondered why that window was up there." Basil nodded.

"I have my room, but I like relaxing up here mainly. Come on." Basil nodded towards it, Kel walking over. He looked up, grabbing onto it and going up.

"Watch your head-" Kel promptly bonked his head on the ceiling, making him let go with one hand. Basil looked nervous, but he held on.

"Ow..." Kel shook it off, peaking his head up. It was small, but nice. Some white Christmas lights, fake leaves, and random pictures of flowers were strung up around the walls. The floor was covered by a large mattress, full of fluffy pillows and blankets . Kel climbed in, taking off his shoes near the ladder, flopping face first onto the bed. So comfortable... he already loved it up here. It smelled like Basil, too.

"Mmm... bed." Kel was pretty exhausted. He'd have to go to bed early. Maybe even do the thing old people did; nap.

"Yep. Just a bed. But I like looking outside." Basil laid next to him, making Kel blush, even if they were a few inches apart. He looked out the window, laughing.

"Even if your house isn't that tall, it's fun seeing all the trees." Basil nodded, pulling a pillow under him. Kel noticed the rabbit plush under it, grabbing it and rolling to his side. Something about being up here, sunlight coming through the window, felt so comfortable. He squeezed it closer, looking over at Basil.

"I love it up here. I've never had my own room before... not saying it's mine, but it feels more private." Basil nodded looking over.

"I get that. I hide up here a lot. It almost feels like a hug." Kel looked down at the plush.

"Would you like a hug?" Basil blushed, covering his face up with the pillow he had.

"...Mhm." Kel moved it down, scooting closer. The sunlight passing through Basil's hair made it even more beautiful, like streaks of a shooting star. Kel moved some of it away, kissing his cheek, before putting his arm over his side. Basil copied it, hugging back, scooting closer until their chests were touching. Kel blushed at it. He never got close to anyone like this. He looked at Basil in the eyes, but got embarrassed, looking away, moving his head to sit against his chest instead.

"It's hot up here, but I still like it." Basil nodded, twirling a piece of hair near Kel's ear. He smiled. This was love? He hadn't felt this comfortable... ever. He knew what the word meant, and he knew the things associated with it, like couples and family, but Kel could almost feel the energy between them wrapping around him, keeping him safe. His eyes closed quickly. He felt Basil adjust a bit before nestling in closer.

"Mmm... comfy." Basil laughed a bit, making his head move, but he was still cozy.

A few minutes later, Kel was close to being asleep, but he felt Basil move away. Aw man... he wanted him here. Disappointment was replaced by satisfaction as Basil pet his head gently. Kel felt vulnerable in a way, but it felt right. Like a new dog finally letting it's guard down in it's new home, allowing itself to be cute instead of nervous.

"Cute..." Kel squinted, seeing Basil looking at him, moving his hand down to rub his face. Kel enjoyed it, yawning, before drifting off to sleep.

Chapter Text

"Basil?" Kel looked around the lake, still at the dock. Where'd he go now? He had to keep him safe. Not around here. Kel stood up, looking down at himself. Something felt weird. There was something on his wrist. Invisible. He touched it, flinching as it turned red, glowing slightly. A chain faded into existence, attached to it, leading up to the beach. Kel tried to step back, but couldn't. Might as well follow it.

As he walked, the chain disappeared, keeping itself taught to where it was attached under the sand. Kel walked up to it, squatting down. He pulled lightly, quickly being pulled down to the ground by it. He shook the sand off, getting back up and pulling harder. Some of the chain came out of the ground, fading to a purple color. Maybe that was Basil? It pulled back a bit, but Kel was prepared. He slung the extra chain over his shoulder, turning away, running and pulling it. He eventually couldn't get it out further, so he turned around, digging his feet in, pulling as hard as he could.

Kel fell back, the chain falling loosely by his side. He shook more sand out of his hair, looking where it was in the ground. Kel got up, running over.

"Sunny!! There you are!!!" He was face down in the sand. Kel nudged his arm with his foot, hearing him groan. The waves splashed loudly, making Kel look over. The water was retracting inwards towards the center, reducing the shoreline by around 10 feet. Kel was curious about it, but he needed to check on Sunny. He flipped him over onto his back, eyes closed. The white sand looked like stars in his hair, dark purple, just like his t shirt.

"Are you dead? Come on... we need to find Basil." His eyes opened, looking at Kel.

"You ruined my nap. Evil." Kel looked down at him.

"Boohoo. We need to go." Sunny shook his head, turning to lay on his side.

"Mmm... tired. No." Kel grabbed one of his arms, pulling a bit.

"Seriously, Sunny. I can't leave without you." Kel pulled the chain, making it turn purple on Sunny's wrist. Sunny looked at it, turning to his back.

"Noooo..." Kel huffed.

"Alright then." Kel crouched down, digging his arms in the sand under him, lifting him up. Sunny glanced at him, putting his face in his chest. He shrugged, starting to walk back to the dock with him. Kel thought best over there. He'd never left the lake before. Never even been to the other side. He stopped, seeing another chain appear from Sunny's band, fading away into the distance. Just a bit of the chain was yellow.

"Mari..." Kel looked at him, confused.

"Is that what you need? Mari?" Sunny nodded. Kel looked. It was pointed through the dead trees that made a circle around the lake, up on a slanted hill. He'd never seen past that. He didn't want to leave this place. But... he needed Basil. He needed to make sure he was okay. Kel hadn't seen him in awhile, or at least it felt that way. There was a part that was less slanted, lined up with the dock, to a parting in the trees.

"Alright, here we go."

-

Kel woke up, extremely sweaty and dehydrated, feeling around. He panicked, not knowing where he was, before opening his eyes. Right... Basil's attic. He wished he'd stop having those weird dreams. Most of the time he just remembered bits and details, like the lake and how it looked, playing around in the water or sand, sometimes Hector would be around, but he remembered a lot of that one. Basil was missing?

Basil was missing. He wasn't laying next to him anymore.

Kel sat up, almost hitting his head on the slant of the roof, looking around. The sun was about to set. He looked at his pedometer. Damn. Long nap. A feeling of dread came back. He had to go home. Eat dinner. Things weren't normal. Sunny wasn't back, he couldn't just hang out at the pond, and Basil was fine. Well... mostly. Where'd he go? He was having a good time cuddling with him. Did he get too hot? Maybe he just didn't want it. It helped Kel feel so much better, though. Maybe he could ask? No, that felt stupid.

Kel looked behind him, seeing Basil's shoes next to his. Okay, so he was here. Kel crawled over, looking behind a box. He didn't look here before. There was a second window, looking into the garden. It was open? No screen... that wasn't very safe.

Kel stuck his head out, relieved from a gust of wind hitting his skin. He'd have to take a bath when he got home. Ew. Maybe he could do it with the lights off. He felt better than before, but knowing the number almost made looking worse. How many steps did he get? He went back in, sitting against the wall, checking. Kel got excited, seeing 14,000 on the screen. Such a clean number. Maybe he could make it to 15,000?  Oh, 20,000 would be great. Kel paused. Most people didn't even get 10,000. That was too much. But most people didn't feel proud eating only 600 calories.

How many did he burn? He switched the button. The dopamine rush hit him. 200! If he didn't eat dinner, then he'd only be at 95 total. People really ate 2000? He really used to eat way more than that? This was so much better. Binging made him feel horrible, disgusting, and worthless, but this made him feel clean and organized. Planned. He'd always heard of people starving themselves as suffering, quiet, and isolated, but not him. Compared to before, this felt so much better. He still had a long way to go, but he could do it. Just work hard and look the way he wanted.

Kel glanced at the bed. When he was asleep, he didn't think about this. If he could just eat normally without having to be like this, he would. There was just something in his head that told him he had to do it this way. If he wasn't thin, he wasn't sick, and therefore didn't need to recover. Binge eating? Most Americans did that by default. He would be normal if he was thin again. He wanted to be a good example, hardworking and kind, instead of just being a big dumb fat guy.

God. Kel was thinking about this again. How many times had he just looped this? That he wanted to change? What he did and didn't want to be? He didn't want thoughts like this. He just wanted to starve and look pretty. Not pretty like a girl with flowing hair, long eyelashes, and a pretty dress, but like a Roman sculpture, created with hard work and immense detail. Something pleasant to look at and be around. Not a judgmental, angry, and petty stupid teenager. He'd get there. How long until he looked okay? He wanted to feel better. He wanted to be comfortable in bed with Basil again, not thinking about himself or food. He wanted Basil.

"Basil?" Kel looked down the ladder. Not there. He heard a weird noise above him. He went to the window, looking up, jumping as Basil peaked down from the roof. Kel felt himself tip forwards, but pulled himself back in, heart racing. That would've been bad.

"Jesus! Hi, I guess. What are you doing up there?" Basil reached his hand down, making a grabby gesture. Kel grabbed his hand, having it slapped away, seeing him point to the side. There was a string sticking out the window, leading up to a rope. Kel looked down.

"Nope. I am fine right here." Basil stuck his head down, looking into the window, hair down.

"Come on! Please? I promise it's worth it." Kel crossed his arms, looking away. He didn't want to fall off from the rope ripping. He knew he could climb up, but the idea of saying "my fat ass fell off the roof and broke my neck because I was too heavy for a rope" at the hospital scared him. The thought was almost immediate.

"What's wrong? You have that look on your face." Kel looked at him, relaxing a bit. Just seeing Basil helped him calm down.

"I don't know. Why would I need to go up there? I can just look out the window to see around the neighborhood." Basil looked at him,  a bit poker faced, going back up. He came back down, tossing a small rock at Kel, hitting his nose.

"Ow- whyyyy?"

"Because you're lying. You refuse to look at me when you do. You've gotten better at it, but you still won't look when you do it." Kel looked.

"I just don't see the point- what's even up there?" Basil went up, throwing another pebble blindly. He missed, but came back down.

"Just come up here! You're being stubborn." Kel sighed, crawling back over, looking up. He gasped in excitement.

"It's a cat! Hi buddy!" The cat meowed, looking around, confused. Basil was holding just its arms and face over the edge, but quickly brought it back, replacing it's spot.

"If you wanna say hi, you have to come up here. He basically refuses to leave the roof." Kel looked at the rope.

"What's this tied to? I'm not very sure of your knowledge in rope-craft. Or whatever. I don't know..." Basil looked away, excitement gone. He changed back to smiling. That was... odd.

"I-It's on the chimney. I promise it's... tied correctly." Kel grabbed it, tugging.

"I don't know... can you just bring him down here?" Basil shook his head. Kel took a deep breath. He wanted to meet the cat. He scooted himself out, holding it, pulling up. Okay, just-

"AHH! HELP!" Kel wiggled his feet, trying to pull himself up. He was holding on perfectly fine, but was scared and freaked out.

"Use the wall! Come on, if I can do it, you can." Kel put his feet against it, feeling his arms tremble.

"I hate this..." He took a minute, calming down, pulling up again, walking up the side. He peaked over the edge, seeing Basil crouched by the chimney. Kel grabbed the edge of the roof, pulling himself up, laying down on it. That made him tired? That was barely anything. He really needed to work on his arms.

"Yay!! Kel's here!" Basil crawled over, patting his head.

"Ngh... can we just go back to bed?"

"Nope." Kel whined, but flipped over, looking at the sky. Pretty. Basil went back, sitting against the chimney. Kel started to crawl, but he felt himself slide a bit without his shoes. Note for next time: shoes.

"So! This is Claus. He enjoys fish." Kel looked, seeing Basil scoop Claus up. He was a chubby orange tabby with a white stomach and green eyes.

"God damn, that's a fat cat." Basil ignored him.

"Ignore him. He's just jealous I'm holding you and not him." Kel laughed. He was right, though. Basil pat his belly a few times before letting him go, Claus wandering around the roof. He looked at Kel, walking over to him. He didn't want to move his hands, scared to slip, so he froze. Claus came closer, sniffing Kel's nose, before licking it. Kel snorted, scaring him and making him hurry back towards Basil.

"Stinky breath... but he's cute. I approve." Basil nodded.

"Other than Grandma... he's basically all I have. I mean- I have you- of course, and my plants, but he's almost always here. Day and night." Claus went up to Basil, climbing up on him. Basil held him to his chest, scratching his head. They looked comfortable.

"Short moments of peace like this are what keep me from... y'know. They were starting to not be enough recently. I'm really glad you're back in my life, Kel." Kel looked away. He understood what he meant. He didn't want to push it.

"Yeah. I'm glad, too. So... um. You wanna go back inside?" Basil shrugged, pulling Claus off of him. He went back to sitting on the roof where Kel saw him the other day.

"I guess. I kinda... need to do something." Kel sat back on the roof, slowly heading towards the rope.

"Do you want me to leave?" Basil immediately turned to look at him.

"No! I mean... it's okay if you stay. But I don't want to make you uncomfortable." Kel thought for a second.

"Can I ask what it is? Most things I can handle." Basil looked toward the street.

"It's... y'know..." He made a motion, moving one of his hands above his wrist. Oh. Right. Things were going well. Kel didn't get it.

"Do you have to do it? I don't want you to end up in the hospital." Basil shrugged, looking towards the street.

"No... but, when I've tried to stop before, I end up getting worse than before when I inevitably relapse. Since... M-Mari... the longest I've gone without doing it is just less than a month." Kel hadn't gone a month without binging since she died, either. Basil's case was more severe, in his eyes, but he understood what he meant. It was just like when he'd refuse to eat all day, just to eat way too much at night. Kel was scared of it happening again, but he felt and knew things were different from before. He'd never been more motivated in his life.

"I understand that. It... what you do, it does make me uncomfortable, but I just want to make sure nothing bad happens." Basil nodded.

"It's hot up here. All of my stuff is in my room, too, so..." Kel nodded. He wasn't looking forward to it, but this would reassure him. He still wanted Basil to stop, but it wasn't simple. He scooted back. Kel already hated climbing up and down like this. Trees were so much easier, and prettier, too. He managed to get back in, sighing in relief as Basil swung in fairly quickly, scaring him.

"How do you just know you won't slip or whatever?" Basil shrugged.

"I don't, but I've done it enough times to just know." Kel nodded. He still didn't like that. He glanced at the box.

"Is this really all that you have for storage?" Basil looked uncomfortable.

"W-we don't have a lot of stuff. That's my dad's. I don't know what it is, and I won't look at it." Kel stared for a second. Was it something bad or something stupid like an old fishing jacket? Something fancy like an old necklace? He was curious now, but he knew better than to push stuff, especially with his parents. He knew his mom had died, and his dad was out of the picture, but nothing more than that.

"Understandable. Well... after you?" Kel gestured towards the ladder. Basil looked at him a bit strangely but smiled, going to it.

"Gentlemanly." Kel chuckled, waiting for him to get down before following. His grandma wasn't in the living room. Maybe she was still in bed.

"I'll be right back." Kel nodded, seeing Basil head towards her room. He glanced at the pictures, still propped up. Cute. He'd never seen any pictures of Basil as a kid until now. He looked happy. Kel wondered where all the stress came from. He knew Mari's death, Aubrey's bullying, and Sunny isolating himself hurt him horribly, past and present, but Basil told him he'd been hurting himself since before that all had happened. When did he start? Why did he?

"O-okay, I'm back. I'm still not sure why you wanna be here, but... my anxiety is getting worse. Are you sure you want to stay?" Kel thought about it. He wanted to make sure Basil didn't go too far, but... he didn't want to go back to his house. No one was there. Deafening silence for hours, not knowing when he'd be back to himself. Kel didn't know who he was or how to act when he was alone. Without other people, there was no reason to smile unless he was really happy. There was no need to stand, walk, or sit in a specific way. No specific tone, words, or volume to maintain. He needed someone else to know what to do. And without that... what point was there? Basil poked his arm. He needed to stop spacing out like that.

"Um... yeah. If it's too much I'll come back out here." Basil nodded, looking at the pictures for a moment, opening up the door to his room.

Chapter Text

"Grandma? Sorry for waking you up. It's kind of late. Just... Kel's still here. Is that okay?" Basil nudged her. He always got scared when she slept too long. He didn't like being alone. Kel was over for now, but he'd have to leave eventually. Claus didn't like being held too close, either. Basil just wanted someone around other than that something. He didn't want anything. He just wanted someone close. Extremely close. If he could hug and never let go, that would be perfect.

"Mhm... yeah. It's okay. Just make sure he's home before dark." Basil nodded, giving her a quick hug, moving away. He looked out the window at the trees. How was he supposed to make it out there? He was useless. Can't work; too stressful. He could go to college, but just the classes he had today were almost too much. He didn't want to do it. It hurt her, it hurt himself, and he knew it hurt Kel. How many more cuts until it stopped working? He glanced at one of the trees. The sun was starting to go down. That spot looked like that thing again. Why wouldn't it just go away? Stop looking at me.

Basil stared for a few more seconds, trying to get back to reality. In the moment, they felt real, like she was back, like the shadows were bitting and wrapping around him, but he knew it was in his head. It didn't make it less scary or easier. He should cut. Helped, even if it was only for a couple hours. He missed the knife. It felt like Sunny was with him. But... the boxcutter was like Kel being with him. He forced his eyes shut, turning around and leaving the room.

"O-okay, I'm back. I'm still not sure why you wanna be here, but... my anxiety is getting worse. Are you sure you want to stay?" Basil didn't want to be alone. He also didn't want to see the fear Kel had when he lost it the other day. He didn't get the addiction to the blood himself, and let the guard down. He just wanted someone else to know how it felt. Why'd he do that? That was horrible. He was horrible. He'd hurt Kel just like he hurt Sunny and Aubrey and Mom and-

"Um... yeah. If it's too much I'll come back out here." He sounded unsure. Basil should tell him to go. Run away from him. He was a horrible person and he'd just make everything worse. Basil always did what everyone wanted because otherwise they'd hate him. Even then, everyone still hated him. He looked at the pictures. Liar. None of these people knew what he did. None of them would forgive him if they knew. Liar, liar, liar, liar- Kel was waiting. Making him wait longer would be rude.

Basil already knew he was bad for him. But... having someone see part the real him was something he needed, even if he was sure things would get worse. He messed up so badly with Sunny. There was no way he was okay in that house by himself. He destroyed everything. What was one more person? If things got worse with Kel, he still had another jump rope. He'd apologize and never be a burden to anyone again. He really needed to cut. Basil opened the door up.

"So... um... sit wherever?" Kel nodded, going to the middle of the floor, sitting cries-cross. He was glad he cleaned up his room. He didn't mind the mess, and he was sure Kel didn't either, but having everything everywhere made his mind messier, too. Basil hesitated, standing near his bed. He didn't want Kel to know where he hid his stuff. He sighed. It's okay. Everything is okay. He crouched down, reaching in the spot of his bed frame, grabbing his box. He wanted it to be nicer, but that would make it worse. He can't enjoy it.

"Do you have the boxcutter still?" Basil nodded. Wait, shit- he said he wouldn't open it. Too late. He could lie about cutting with it. It was just a couple scratches. He had to stop lying. Well, not about Sunny, but Kel trusted him. Basil trusted him back, to a degree,  but he didn't know everything. If he knew... he wouldn't have even tried to come over on Saturday.

"Y-yes. I opened it, though. I didn't use it or anything- just got it out the plastic..." Kel nodded, looking down at his wristband. Basil still felt bad about that. He felt bad about everything. Isolating himself from everyone was best for them. He shouldn't of let Kel back in. He could have gotten help from Hero. He always hurt everyone. Cut. He slid the box to the middle of the floor, between him and Kel, sitting against his bed. He didn't remember where he got it, striped with a blue lid, but he painted all over it and ruined it at some point when he was younger.

Basil opened it up. He glanced at Kel again, looking at the box, pulling up his shorts. He paused, looking at the wristband. He liked doing it there. He was already screwed up. Why not make it visible? He could just wear the band. Maybe if Aubrey saw cuts all over his arms she'd stop and realize how awful she was to him and apologize and they'd be friends and-

"Basil?"

"Sorry. Spaced out." Shouldn't start there. Teachers could see if he continued going back to school and Basil didn't like long sleeves very much. If he started, he'd go until his arms were covered. He reached for the boxcutter. He had things sharper than the knife, but he was scared of going too deep. Learned that with the last ER visit. He understood Kel's worry, but he knew what he was doing, even if he also knew it was stupid. Basil clicked it out. The noise was so satisfying.

"It's pretty. Thank you." Kel nodded. He already looked uncomfortable. Basil didn't want him around, at least for this. The adrenaline made him overbearing. It was like a high.

"Kel... are you sure?" He looked at the window.

"Y-yeah... just, warn me before you do it." Basil looked back to his leg. He wanted to finish up that spot on the outside. The scars had to be evenly distributed and in a certain pattern or else he hated it. World's most screwed up art project. Basil looked back at Kel's wrist. He wasn't the best at taking care of his own wounds, but Kel was pretty messy. Needed to make sure it didn't have anything in it.

"Wait... come here." Kel glanced at the boxcutter. Basil clicked it down and put it in the box. He crawled over. Kel always blushed when he got really close to anyone, but since they started talking again, Basil saw it get more intense. There was also a look in his eyes he noticed. He always liked Kel's eyes. He always liked how Kel looked. A boy, treated as a boy,  with long hair. Rough and free. Scraped knees and carefree. He used to not care so much. Basil closed his eyes for a moment. He didn't want to spiral.

"Let me check your wrist." Kel blushed a bit more, holding it out. Basil held it. It almost felt like a fairytale, where the prince kisses the princesses hand. Oh. Oh! That would make him all flustered and cute. Basil leaned down a bit, kissing his hand.

"WAH! Wasn't... expecting that." Kel pulled it back. Basil laughed a little. Every time he saw Kel he just wanted to squeeze and love on him as much as possible. That was the same way he felt about Sunny. Basil knew he loved Kel, romantically and as a friend, but Sunny was confusing for him. The line between friend and crush blurred. He'd do anything for anyone as long as he wasn't alone. Kel put his hand back.

"Can you... do that again?" Basil paused. Hm. He stuck his finger in his mouth before wiping it on Kel's. Kel pulled it back again, wiping it off on his shirt.

"Ew! Cooties!" Basil snorted.

"Kel! We kissed earlier. I don't think cooties are a problem." Kel looked at his hand.

"Oh. Right. You don't have cooties anyway since you're a boy. Ultimate strategy: don't date girls if you don't want cooties." Basil blushed. He was so glad Kel accepted him.

"Um... anyway. Let me see your wrist." Kel's slightly happy expression turned back to being uncomfortable. Basil felt bad. He brought it back, pulling on the wristband.

"Ow- it's pulling my skin-" Basil nodded.

"It does that. You need to pull it off every once in awhile or the fabric will become part of the scab and rip up." Kel cringed, nodding. Hm. Nothing in it, but he took off the bandaids. Basil dug in the box, putting more over it in the same way as yesterday.

"It'll heal better and hurt less if you keep it covered. I can give you new ones when you need them." Basil put the band back on him, letting go. He looked back at the box then up to Kel. He was upset. Basil couldn't tell if he was angry or sad. Disappointed. He never understood how other people felt unless he felt the same way. Awful. He was awful.

Basil reached in and grabbed the boxcutter again. The clicking was loud, but scratched an odd itch in his brain that calmed him down. He pulled up his shorts again, putting the blade flat against his skin. Cold. He barely grazed himself with it yesterday; too scared. He wanted better looking scars. He had to go deeper for those. He turned the blade up, pushing the edge in. He lifted it up as Kel whined. Basil looked at him, hugging his knees, staring uncomfortably. Basil huffed. He just wanted to get it over with so he could feel normal again. Well, normal for him.

"I know you want to be here for safety reasons, Kel, but you're giving me performance anxiety. Can you like... do something else while I do this?" Kel loosened up.

"I don't know what to do. I don't want you to hurt yourself at all, but I don't want to be a hypocrite. I can't do anything. If I try to be harsh with you, it'll drive you away. If I do nothing, you'll continue with it. If I encourage it, well, obviously not going to do it on purpose... but it could get worse. I don't want it to. What is it you need to stop hurting yourself?" Kel was frustrated, but looked on the verge of tears.

"That's the thing; you can't do anything. I-I mean... not like that. You have been helping me. Like... I get it. But I don't know how to help you back." Basil cared, but he couldn't feel anything. He didn't like cutting, but without doing it, he felt a lot worse.

"You said you wanted to stop though, right? I... feel like you did. I know the last two days were hectic, but there's a lot that can go wrong. What if you hit a vein or something? It's dangerous." Basil looked away angrily. He knew what he was doing.

"You're the one that got me a boxcutter. You're the one that said we couldn't get better. You also have to know that you can't just stop doing something that's bad for you, l-like how you can't just stop having problems with eating, even if it's bad. It's... not that easy." Kel grabbed his own wrist, digging his nails in it. Basil immediately felt guilty. He couldn't look at him anymore.

"Kel... you, um, said that giving back the knife was for me to stop cutting. While the unhealthy attachment to it I understand, I don't want to stop. It helps me feel better. I mean..." Basil watched him quickly get up.

"Kel?" He hurried out of the room, closing the door a bit harder than Basil was comfortable with. Basil stared into the box. That was bad. It still wasn't setting in. Was that a fight? Would he break up with him? Did he break up with him?

Basil took a deep breath, sitting up straight. Okay. Just... okay. He'd have to give Kel his hoodie back. See if there was another way to get to school. See if dropping out was an option. He wanted Kel extremely involved in his life, or he didn't want him near him at all. It would hurt too much. Just forget. Forget how safe Basil feels with him. Forget the warmth of his hand. Forget his smile in the sunset. It didn't matter. Kel was just confused. There was no way he'd actually want Basil. No one wanted him.

Basil sighed, curling up into the hoodie. He only seemed to feel sadness and fear, and right now it was just sadness. He needed to stop doing this. It didn't help in the long run. It hurt Kel and his grandma immensely. He just wanted to be okay so his life could improve. Basil felt the tears coming, shaking his head in the fabric. He was sick of crying. He slowly forced himself to stop, looking up and seeing the box.

Basil paused. Just one last time. Then he'd stop.

He reached in, clicking the boxcutter out again and putting the blade against where he planned. Basil slid it, feeling the familiar burning sensation in his skin. He dropped it, looking up at the ceiling, feeling the blood drip. He didn't want this.

He just wanted Kel to come back.

Chapter Text

Stupid.

He just ran away from him? Idiot.

Kel sat down on the front step of Basil's. He didn't even know what he was saying. It just went by so quick. It was frustrating to him how Basil just dismissed his concern, but he was just being a hypocrite. Basil was right. Kel should have to get better for him to get better. But he still was mad about it.

To Kel, losing weight and not eating was a major feeling of success, while binging, and now purging, was a sign of failure. He tried to equate it to Basil. To him, cutting was something he enjoyed, kind of like him losing weight? But what would be the equivalent of failure to Basil? Hitting an artery? Death?

Wait... for Basil, it was both. He liked and disliked self harm. Even if he said otherwise, Kel could tell. He treated it like something he had to do to feel normal, but had fun, in an odd way. He used to treat binging like something he had to do, but he got to eat food he liked, even if the guilt afterwards hurt. It was out of his control most of the time, but he chose to go and get food over and over again. He could have gotten help. Basil could have.

Kel knew it wouldn't be easy to get Basil healthy again. Maybe even impossible. But, he could get rid of the shame that he was the only one doing something wrong.

-

He won't come back for you. He hates you. Just do it. Everyone will be happier without you.

Basil wanted to listen to it.

Just kill yourself. There's no hope for you. You'll finally rest.

He really did.

None of this matters.

But he knew it was wrong.

It didn't make the phantom feeling of teeth biting into his shoulder any less unpleasant. He liked controlling his pain. Even if Basil knew it was a hallucination, he couldn't blink it away, leave, wipe it off, or fight it. It never worked. Just wait. Wait for change. If his grandma came back, if a bird flew past the window, even a loud car driving by; it would break him out of it. Just to show that the darkness wasn't all he was. That this thing couldn't actually hurt him. That it wasn't real.

Basil jumped up. That was the door. No knock. Was someone breaking in? He had his boxcutter. Protect grandma. The teeth pulled out, but the black webs of darkness stayed around.

"H... hello?" Basil stood up, putting his ear to the door. He stepped back as it was pushed open. His heart raced, but quickly calmed down.

"Kel... oh." Basil was excited he came back, but he didn't want to pretend like nothing happened. The darkness faded a bit. He looked down, Kel quickly pushing the door closed with his foot. He had bags.

"If you get to cut, I get to binge eat."

Basil watched him move to the same spot as before, putting the bags down. He didn't know how to feel about it. He was glad Kel came back, but he didn't want him to do that. Basil wanted him to eat more than he did, just because he knew the physical and emotional effects of starving, but not like this.

"Are you... sure?" Kel glanced at him quickly. He looked angry, but looked away, rustling in the bag.

"Yeah. We both should have our bad habits if it helps us." Basil was confused, but walked over, sitting across from him. The darkness crept back, disappearing under his bed.

"But... aren't you trying to lose weight? If it's what you want to do, it's okay, but starving yourself isn't really-" Kel was angrily side-eyeing him. Basil shut himself up. He didn't get it, just like how Kel didn't get him.

"I know it's bad. Both ways are bad. But how else am I supposed to deal with everything?" Basil glanced down at his stomach. This was the only way he knew how to help himself. He knew healthy ways, like gardening and reading, but they never satisfied the urge enough. There was no way he could talk honestly in therapy. Other unhealthy methods, like smoking and drinking, were hard to access and illegal, not to mention chemically addicting. If he broke the law again and got caught, everything would be over.

"I-I don't know..." Basil didn't know what else to say. He didn't want anymore conflict. He just wanted to relax. He looked up at Kel, bags emptied. Not too much, but Basil knew that his family was going broke trying to save enough for college for both him and Hero. A bag of chips, a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, and a big bottle of orange Joe. Ew... orange joe. Kel was looking away, embarrassed.

"I kind of... didn't have any money. I took a 10 from Hero's dresser, but I can replace it when I get my allowance soon." Ah. That's why he was embarrassed.

"You shouldn't steal like that." Kel shrugged, opening the bread and peanut butter.

"I won't do it again. I don't want to make this a regular thing." Basil watched him scoop out the peanut butter with a slice of bread, putting a second one on top, squishing it, before biting into it. Kel made eye contact before he turned his face away. Right. Didn't like being watched. Basil understood that. He looked around the room. His box was still out. There was already some blood dried on his leg.

Just a bit more. Basil pulled the fabric up once again, grabbing and slicing across the box cutter without thinking. Ow- eh. Not his deepest, but still a decent one. It would scar nicely. He almost forgot Kel was there until he heard the chip bag rustle. Basil reached for the towel he had on the floor, stopping the blood trail from reaching the floor. It felt a bit odd how well he knew how to do this. Basil looked up, making eye context with Kel for a brief moment, before both of them looked back down.

"This is... kind of awkward. Should we talk about it?" Basil shrugged.

"I dunno. What is 'it'?" Kel let out a small laugh.

"What happened. I'm sorry about just running away. I'm pretty bad with conflict." Basil nodded.

"It's okay. I'm just glad you came back..." He was blushing. Basil liked a lot of things about Kel, but as long as he didn't abuse him and stayed, he didn't care what he was like. Just stay.

"What's that look for? Eheh..." Basil looked away.

"Y-y'know... it's a bit hot in here. Hoodie, too..." Kel nodded, but had a subtle smug look.

"Cute." Basil smiled, sighing through his nose. He almost forgot what was currently going on. Kel went back to the bread, the last bit of the first sandwich still in his mouth.

"You ate that pretty fast. You could win a hot dog eating contest if you tried!" Kel laughed, almost spitting it out.

"Yeah. Like I'd want people to see me act like a fat idiot in public..." The subtle squint of a smile left Kel's eyes. Basil was just trying to find a positive. He went for the orange Joe. Basil went back for his boxcutter.

"If I tried to do this in public I'd probably get thrown in a padded cell." Basil lifted the towel, placing another cut under the last. Feeling his nerves burn with fear and pain didn't feel good, but it was better than feeling nothing. Pain was better than nothing. And nothing else worked.

"I'm not really sure about it-" Kel paused, covering his mouth.

"Kel?"

"Nothing- I'm just... I get embarrassed to even burp in front of anyone, even if it hurts. It feels gross. I feel gross." Basil didn't really get it. He'd just excuse it and move on. Kel still took another swig of it. It was getting dark. The trees would start to scare him soon.

"I don't think you're gross. I don't judge you, either. I love you." Kel smiled a bit. Basil looked back to his leg. He didn't have the urge anymore. He felt at peace with Kel around. Kel smiled, but it faded quick.

"I get that, but I need to change. I'm not happy with how I am. Other people aren't happy with how I am. So how is changing myself a bad thing?" Basil thought about it for a few seconds, Kel downing another sandwich. He was still turning away a bit, but didn't seem to care as much as before about Basil looking.

"I tried to do that. You'll never be able to please everyone, Kel, even if you want to. You need to find what makes you happy." Kel grabbed the chip bag, looking at it.

"Almost nothing does. I just eat as a distraction so I don't have to think. I mean... I'm still a teenager, but what if I'm still doing this stuff when I'm 30? If I'm doing sports, I have to look and be a certain way. I just want to be okay..." Kel put it down, covering his face and slumping a bit.

"I really don't want to be cutting as an adult, either... but if it lets me get there, I don't care." Basil couldn't imagine himself past 20, and even then it was just a taller version of himself, working in a small plant store in the city. People like him didn't become grandparents, or a loved person in a community, or a celebrity. He couldn't function as a teenager, let-alone an adult with a full time job and kids.

"I don't know what my future is like... at all. Can I even make it to college? Graduate? I don't know..." Basil frowned. Kel sounded bleaker than him.

"I don't know either, but I hope we stay together." Kel glanced up, making Basil smile. Just seeing him made him happy. He was startled as Kel came over, hugging him tightly. Basil hugged back, gently. He liked squeezing him just to show his love, but it wasn't the time for that.

"I'm so scared that I'm going to lose you-" Kel's voice broke. Basil rubbed his back, letting him cry into him. He didn't want to lie to him, but the truth couldn't be said either. He didn't plan on having a future. Couldn't. Just get through being a teenager, do and see what he wanted as an adult, and end it while he was happy.

"I don't want to lose you either. But... I promise while we're together, for however long it is, I won't. I can't put you through what Hero went through." Kel squeezed a bit tighter. Another lie.

Basil wasn't fully set on that promise, but he was fairly sure on it. Kel showed him that he could be happy with someone else. They did need real help... especially if they wanted it to last... but wouldn't Kel leave if that happened? He only came to Basil for help. If he got better... then he might abandon him. Basil did like the honesty he was showing and clinginess of him, but he didn't want Kel to suffer for it.

He'd let Kel decide.

Chapter Text

"It's dark."

"Yeah..."

"Ready to go home yet?"

Kel nodded, finally letting go of Basil, looking towards his mess. Shit. How long had it been digesting? 30 minutes? How many calories was that? Gross. He looked down at himself. This is why you're fat.

Kel started grabbing his stuff, putting it in a bag. He needed to purge it. He didn't care how bad it was. He didn't even enjoy it or feel full enough for it to be worth the calories.

"I can't bring this home. I already have to throw away a bunch of trash that I forgot about. I don't want to disappoint Hero or my mom anymore-" Kel dropped the bag, the jar of peanut butter rolling away.

"God, why can't I just something right for once?" He grabbed it, pushing it into the bag with more force than needed. He turned back to Basil, holding it out.

"Honestly, just eat this crap or throw it away. If I bring it home I'm just going to eat more and puke it up. Eating the peanut butter should help you gain some weight." Basil nodded and hesitantly took it, putting it under his bed. Kel looked down to his leg, but the darkness made it hard to see the extent of it; just the blood and the new cuts. He was starting to lose the shock of seeing them.

"Please take care of those properly. They look deeper than last time." Basil nodded again.

"It is a bit d-deeper, but I can handle it." Kel pat his head a couple times, looking out the window. Hopefully Hero would be home by now-

"I didn't think about that. I never think..." If Hero was home, he couldn't just throw up in the bathroom. Kel didn't want to bother Basil's grandma, either.

"What is it, Kel?" Kel waved his hand, dismissing it.

"It's okay, I can just walk it off. Gonna be a lot of walking, though..." Kel bent his leg a few times. His ankles were really sore. It was dark. Ugh...

"I'm sorry if I sound rude, but you wouldn't have to do that if you didn't eat it. I mean- I want you to eat, b-but... I just don't want you to punish yourself." Basil was right. Kel still had to make up for it. He couldn't exercise anymore tonight or he'd be too tired for tomorrow's gym classes. Even if he didn't do well with his grades, he had to show up.

"I'll throw it up. Just this time. I don't want to keep doing it." Basil hesitantly nodded, getting up.

"I don't want you to, either. I can tell it's painful." Kel nodded. His throat was still sore from yesterday, not to mention the burning in his nose and the wooziness afterwards.

"Well... I should go before it gets dark. Hero might be back by now. He implied he'd be okay earlier, but I already know he had a bad day on Friday, so I need to check on him." Basil walked closer.

"When I went in there earlier, he was talking to himself. Just... angry at himself. Mainly about missing school, b-but... he's being really hard on himself about you, too." Kel got that idea, but he'd felt like Hero was ready. He apologized about yelling at him... he talked about how to help him with his food problems; well, part of it.

"Thank you for telling me that. It's hard to tell what he's thinking about most of the time." Basil nodded slightly, looking up at Kel. Kel automatically blushed, glancing away. Even in the dark, Basil's eyes were bright and shiny. He could get lost, just looking in them, but that was awkward. Basil tip toed closer, smiling a little, making Kel lean away a bit, leaving only a couple inches between them.

"Okay, okay!" Kel grabbed Basil's face, quickly pecking his lips before hurrying towards the door.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Yeah?" Kel gave finger guns, pausing as Basil stood still for a second, before sliding out the door.

"I'm so stupid- why does he even like me?" Kel looked down at himself. Needed to get it out. The house was dark, meaning Basil's grandma was still in her room. He glanced at the pictures, concentrating on his face.

"How did I look more mature at 13 than I do now? Stupid, freakin, round cheeks-" Kel squished his face. Too soft. He hoped this would go away first. Aubrey had a sharper jawline than him. And she's a girl. Whatever.

He needed to go home.

-

Hero didn't like his mom very much.

He knew Kel didn't either.

But this just felt wrong.

"You know I've always tried my best, even when I'm angry, but... no one ever treats me right. I'm so sick of everything, but it's not like I can quit at this point. You're so close to college, and we're so close to having enough to avoid loans, but it's so stressful."

He had no idea what to say. Hero understood her pain, but he didn't want to excuse the bad things she'd done. He just wanted to sleep. They still had a half hour to get back home. The darkness of the trees made him uneasy, the bright street lights hurt his eyes, and the uncomfortable atmosphere of his mom refused to let him relax.

"I know you try. I promise things will sort themselves out. It just takes time." Hero felt a wave of anxiety as the car stopped suddenly.

"It doesn't feel worth it. I just want some time to myself, but I can't. There's always something I have to do or talk about or think about. And even with all of the stuff I do, I don't get any respect." Hero looked back towards the trees, seeing the bugs swarming the light.

"I'm in the exact same situation." She paused for a minute.

"I get that, but your life now is a lot easier than mine was." Hero looked down towards his hands. He knew that in a way, but that didn't make him feel better. She didn't lose the love of her life like he did. All of her friends. She wasn't ignored except for when she was useful, or at least Hero though so.

"Not... really. Me and Kel are struggling a lot, but him especially. He needs you to be around more." She sighed loudly, resting her head down.

"I guess I'm just a horrible mother." Hero rolled his eyes, looking back outside.

"Can you stop guilt tripping us like that? I know the situation with your job, but whenever you're home you're just in you and Dad's bedroom. I miss having movie nights. I miss having dinner together. I miss... I miss you. I'm sure Kel feels the same too. I know how it feels. I was almost in the house for a year. I... I ignored all of you. But once I finally realized what I did, and that I needed to get out and do things to make myself feel better." Hero felt a tightness in his chest, followed by relief. He needed to get that out. But...

"I guess I'm just the asshole of the family. Always have been. I need 5 minutes to myself once a day, and even though I make sure you're both fed and get to learn and go to college, it's still not enough. Maybe if your dad actually came home at a decent time we could."

She never took responsibility.

She wouldn't change.

Hero stayed silent as the car started to move.

-

Empty.

Kel wished he could just come home like he used to. Him and Hero would watch a show, have a snack, and wait for their parents. They'd work together to make dinner, even if Kel and his dad were pretty unhelpful, but it felt meaningful. They'd eat and go do their homework, and if they had time, come down and watch something. A shaded experience of a different world.

He came back to a dark house, Hector asleep, nothing happening. And nothing would happen. Because he was used to this. Hero being gone was the only change, and that almost felt worse.

Well... at least he could finally do some stuff. Kel hurried up the stairs, glancing in the bathroom before going to his room. He needed to purge what he had, but he needed to move on. He reached under his bed, pulling out all the trash he never had a chance to get rid of. He wanted to feel clean. Get rid of this, throw up, and take a bath. Seemed good. It generally took forever for him to clean, just from procrastinating, but he organized it quickly before going back down.

Even though he knew no one would come by, he glanced around before actually going outside. He didn't want people to know about it. They'd make fun of him. Assume it was all from one day. Gross. He didn't want to be seen as being fat anymore. He had to lose weight. No one liked him anymore except Basil. Hero, a bit, but he knew how he felt about anything. Maybe he just wanted to seem like a good brother. He didn't actually care about him.

Kel shook his head. Shake out the bad thoughts. He didn't have time. He knew that no one was home, but it was rare for him to get enough time to do anything. He grabbed a trash bag, going up and sticking everything in it. He glanced outside again, pulling up some of the stuff in the trash, putting his bag in, pushing down to get it all in. The fact he had to do this was a sign that he didn't deserve anything. Kel always hid everything. He wanted help before, but now, he didn't want anyone to stop him from his goal.

Kel went back in. Everytime he did, it always felt quieter and quieter. He was glad he got on the basketball team just to have something to do. A reason to actually go to school. Well, he had Basil now, but he'd rather just be comfortable and spend time with him.

He paused by the kitchen.

"No. Not doing that anymore. Even if I want to..."

Kel glanced at the brownies Hero made.

"One."

Eating a brownie in the bathroom felt weird, but they were great, as Kel expected from whatever Hero made. He'd always critique how he felt about his own food, but Kel would eat it regardless, even if it wasn't something he liked. He didn't know how to encourage him otherwise.

"Okay... now I have to... purge. That's an odd word. Why am I talking to myself? Oh right, my family is never here. Doo dee doo dee doo, time to hate myself more." Kel looked towards the scale, weighing himself with and without his clothes. 179 with, 176.5 without. 2.5. Well... he didn't need to take everything off now. He preferred that. Kel still felt odd seeing the number. There was a long way to go.

He went to the toilet.

Chapter Text

Kel quickly learned bread was not a pleasant thing to throw up. Not as bad as when he threw up the chips. Just... slimy. His throat hurt, a little more blood came up, and he kept coughing. He sat by the sink, trying to catch his breath and calm down.

"I can't do this again... fuck. I-" Coughed again. Kel quickly rinsed his mouth out, ignoring the small bit of blood, cleaning up and leaving the bathroom. His nose burned. His throat burned. He ignored it.

The house was scary this late. He still had a bit of a fear towards the dark. Kel went to him and Hero's room, grabbing his notebook and sitting at his desk. He opened it.

"Well, already messed up the calorie part... maybe like... half? Yeah." Kel wrote down what he ate at Basil's, adding everything and dividing it in half. He was a bit late on purging it. At least it wasn’t the full amount. Wouldn’t even be under 2000 that way.

"1100... esh. Oh, wait-" Kel looked at his pedometer, smiling.

"345! That doesn't even count the weights and stuff... but-"

755.

Kel was a bit disappointed, but it was almost half of what he was recommended. He'd just have to wait and try harder with exercising. He also needed to actually get in shape for basketball.

Kel looked at one of his posters. Not a lot of the stuff sold in Faraway actually had players he knew and liked, but he was envious of their body types, regardless. He knew he'd be shorter than most of them, since Hero was taller at his age, but his dad was tall enough. Hero was already about 6 feet tall. Kel just hoped he'd get the genetic push later.

"So... 5 foot 7... and-" 174. He was still embarrassed to say it, even if no one was around. Kel wrote it down hesitantly. Anything else? Weight, what he ate, what he burned, dividing if he threw up, steps... did the temperature influence it? Water? Water. He had two bottles, 32 oz. It didn't weigh that much, right?

Kel went to stand up, but immediately felt the soreness of the day hit him, almost entirely in his legs and feet. He was familiar with how it felt, but he knew he pushed too hard today. He grabbed the bottle and headed out, hurrying into the bathroom as the front door opened. Despite how lonely he'd been, he just wanted to be left alone. It was easier that way.

"Whatever. I'm tired. I'm going to bed." Kel heard his mom say, quietly. He agreed with that statement. Only 8:30, but he was pretty exhausted. He heard her bedroom door close with a bit of excessive force.

"Yeah, poor Mamá, has to work for a living..." Hearing Hero angry was something that always upset Kel, but he'd heard them fight about this stuff before. His dad was never combative, or around enough, to have to take on her anger. The neutrality worked to calm her down. Kel fought with her the most, but that was mostly about him forgetting things. But Hero had difficulty ignoring the tiny elephants-in-the-rooms that built up and constantly ran around. Kel smiled at the image of rat-sized elephants running around Hero's feet. Rat-a-phant.

He should probably talk to him. Kel had been really focused on himself all day. It wasn't in a positive manner, but he still needed to make sure his family was okay. He didn't want to go back to ignoring and pushing off things. Kel flushed the toilet before leaving. Didn't want Hero to be confused about him being in the bathroom. He was on the couch, looking down at his backpack on the floor.

"Kel, go wash your hands."

Oops.

"Oops. I'll just-" He hurried to the kitchen, quickly rinsing them before coming back, wiping the water off on his shorts. Not like they were actually that dirty...

"Okay, so... life. How is it?" Hero shrugged. Kel walked closer, sitting on the floor next to him.

"Cried twice today. College prep was boring. People are decent to me, but no one wants to actually be my friend. It's probably for the best anyways..." Kel felt the same. Well... him and Cris got along okay. He had Basil. But he still didn't meet anyone that didn't live in town. Jag was starting to rub him the wrong way with how he treated Basil, too.

"Maybe when you go off to college there'll be more people. Almost everyone here is stuck in their childhood groups." Hero sighed, leaning forwards and looking towards the floor.

"We should still have our group. We should still watch movies and make breakfast on Saturdays. Mari... Mari should still be here. But no, I was too ignorant and stupid and stuck up to notice anything was going wrong. I'm useless..." Kel put his hand on his back. His voice was breaking, but still angry.

"You're not useless. None of us knew or could have. When people don't want help, they won't say it. I miss her too... but... we need to just move on." Hero glared at him a bit.

"Don't say that crap again. We can't forget her. I can't forget her."

"I'm not saying that at all; I'm saying that we can't just do the same thing over and over and expect to feel better. There's plenty of people in the world. And I'm not saying to replace her, but you're going to be lonely forever if you won't let other people in. Okay?"

"...okay." Kel could still hear he was angry. He didn't want to talk about this. He just wanted to forget about this stuff for awhile. He didn't want to forget Mari at all. He wanted to forget about death and the blood and his tears. Just be happy.

"I just want you to be happy. And I don't know how to help you be it."

"I don't either. I don't know what I want or need. I just want to stay in bed all the time..." Kel paused. He was out of things to say.

"I get it. School sucks." Hero leaned back into the couch.

"Yeah. I wish I didn't have to cram and stuff, but Mom won't let me take my time. She doesn't get it." Kel always struggled with school, and had it the same way. He just had to say what he wanted to hear. What he never got to hear.

"You can do it! I know you're smart, bro. It's just time and hard work. I believe in you." Hero smiled sheepishly.

"Thank you. And the same to you. You're smarter than you think, Kel." Kel was a bit surprised by that. He's heard it before, but it had been so long. Was he smart? His grades were awful. Hero was just mistaken. He just acted happy and nice. He wasn't actually a good person, let-alone a smart one.

"Thanks. Too. I mean..." Hero chuckled, patting his back a bit hard. Reminded Kel of his dad. He liked to endearingly slap him. Not too hard, but a firm pat on the back. He flinched a bit though.

“Ohp, sorry. That was a bit hard.”

“Nah I’m just sore. Gym and basketball. I also walked home.” Hero perked up.

“How’d it go? You got on the team, right?” Kel was still disappointed he lost his match.

“Yeah, I did. We have practice tomorrow. I’m still sore... sucks. At least I did something Mom will like. I already can tell math is gonna be too hard this year. I don’t know how I’m gonna go through college. She’s gonna be mad but I don’t know what the alternative is.” Hero looked confused.

“Don’t say those things. Yes, classes are hard, but you can endure through it. You’re strong, Kel.” Kel looked down at his wrist. He wasn’t. He was weak. He always lied. He was just a fraud. He grabbed it, digging his nails in a bit. Blunt from being bitten down, but enough to burn his skin.

“Not... really. I think I’ll be okay. I made it through middle school, right?” Hero looked unsure but nodded.

“Right.”

Chapter Text

Slowly but surely, Kel found his new routine.

School was still rough, but he was very excited about basketball. Even if he burned more calories than he was eating. Even if he was constantly exhausted. He got his number. 8. Balanced in writing, top and bottom, side to side. He liked that it was the one he got, despite it being random. The school didn't really care about the number order or ranking; just gave out what was available. It was a number he liked though, behind 6.

Kel always tried his best at practice, despite rarely being put out on for games. He knew how the seniority worked. He wouldn't really get to play until junior year, and varsity was unlikely with his grades. Even if he didn't get on, it was burning the excess when he slipped over 800 calories.

With Hero's breakfasts and lunches, Kel felt pretty bad about throwing them out for the first week, but he quickly realized he could just give them to Basil. They weren't very high calorie, but with some prodding he could get him to eat a snack when they hung out together after practice. He didn't always agree, just because Basil was still used to barely eating, but Kel didn't partake in anything extra anymore. There was a difference in why they weren't eating.

Dinner was odd. The schedules of his parents and Hero's college prep left Kel alone most of the time. He binged, not a whole lot, but still subsequently purged, after staying alone for almost 6 hours without Basil. He couldn't be alone anymore after everything.

After a couple weeks, hunger went from a major annoyance, to impossible to ignore, to almost driving him mad, to finally just an annoying state that Kel was forced to eat to get rid of. He didn't want to purge. He didn't want to eat, because it made him hungrier, but he had to. Even just 24 hours without food made him feel on the verge of passing out.

Pretty quickly, his weight dropped. Other things dropped, but mainly his energy, which effected everything else in Kel's life. He only had so much during the day and it all went towards exercise or talking to Basil. He bs-ed his homework. He spaced out way more during class. His grades dropped fast when he didn't have energy to do homework. He'd always struggled with getting it done, but other than big assignments, he straight up didn't do it to conserve his energy.

But he was losing weight. So why would anything else matter?

He didn't talk to anyone other than Basil, an occasional wave to Jay, and getting Aubrey off Basil's back. He was so focused on getting those 300 calories burned during weightlifting that he didn't even look at Cris anymore. She gave up on talking to him. Probably for the best. She wouldn't be able to handle the exhaustion and anger he felt.

10 pounds in two weeks was a bit shocking for Kel, regardless. He considered stopping, or at least slowing down, but noticing the way his arms smoothed out just a little, the slightly loose skin on his stomach, and the constant light feeling of being hungry, it quickly got brushed aside for pride. People struggled to lose weight? He struggled with it? It was hard for him to function, but most people did nothing. He had two physical classes and basketball practice four days a week. It was easy.

The issue was the waiting.

He couldn't make the number go down any faster unless he ate nothing. He tried. He couldn't. At 36 hours without food, mid gym class, Kel felt a cold shiver as everything faded a shade darker, then to black. He reached out his arms, but still hit the floor. He got lucky. A slightly different angle and he could have broken something. Kel barely managed to brush it off.

"Did you eat breakfast?" They asked. Nope. Didn't eat the entire day before. And he was proud of that. He was proud he almost fainted. Because it meant he was succeeding. That he wasn't faking everything. That he was facing the consequences of his actions for once.

A bad person like him would suffer for his selfish desires and pride to be better than others. He would suffer for his inability to help Mari, Hero, Aubrey, Basil, and worst of all, Sunny. He was a coward who couldn't just ring the doorbell.

And so, Kel continued to starve himself.

-

Wake up. Cut. Kel. Bus. Cut. School. Lunch. Cut. School. Kel. Walk. Cut. Dinner. Cut? Sleep.

That was the usual now. Better than before... but Basil was still struggling. Anytime he was allowed to have a free thought, the guilt and fear would immediately come back. Anytime he was alone, "something" would return and dig its teeth steadily into him. Only a few things broke him out of the psychosis. Kel, grandma, and... well...

He didn't get worse with Kel, but Basil moved from one large cutting session per day to several small ones. He wasn't sure if it was a positive or a negative. Either way, he was running out of clean space. Living in Kel's hoodie, he wanted to head for his wrists, but he knew that would carry on with him worse than his legs and stomach. He couldn't hide those nearly as easy. He already couldn't enjoy the beach ever again, never enjoy having a flat chest, never enjoy his body. He'd always worry about people seeing and labeling him as unhelpable. Insane. Broken. And Basil believed those anxieties.

Kel helped him, but he wasn't getting better, just surviving. Suicide was still on his mind constantly.

At first, and as a kid, it was just to escape the situation. But over time, Basil internalized the idea that he had to take his own life for how he destroyed everyone else's. Even then, suicide went from payment for what he did to a sick fantasy he had in moments of stress. He didn't want to die to be done with things, he wanted to die to experience death. He wanted to feel what Mari felt and even more. He wanted to suffer. It was a bloodlust for himself.

It wasn't quite fun, but Basil didn't stop or want to stop the thoughts. Walking with Kel home, looking at the cars on the main road they crossed first, he always imagined the blood pooling on the ground after the wheel crushed and ripped into his torso. Wondering what Kel would do. It would be agony for him. Basil didn't want to put him through that. He'd hope Kel would be glad he was finally able to be rid of his problems.

He'd look at the skyscrapers in the distance and fantasize his skull cracking against the pavement before the light went out. The hospital and it's shining windows would be the best. Didn't they have a balcony? Maybe they kept it unlocked. They probably wouldn't let him in without a reason. He didn't like the hospital, either. Bad things happened there.

Anything resembling a rope reminded him of everything. Cords, seatbelts, and mainly strings got to him. What if he hung himself at school? Terrify and traumatize someone else like he'd been? The back of the auditorium had some nice rafters. But he wouldn't do that to someone else. He'd hurt enough people.

Even in the car and on the bus, he just wanted it to crash. He wanted to die. More than just to be done with everything. That was a part of it, sure, but Basil had made death a positive. He always had an escape. Always had a backup if anything went wrong. Just a cord, a pair of scissors, or a street, and he could do it. He had control over his life and body. He could cut if he wanted. It was better than killing himself, even if the cuts were getting slightly deeper. Rinse it, dry it, bandage it, wait two or so weeks. Better than dying of cancer from smoking or liver failure from drinking, ruining everyone financially.

If he died, he'd die. No half measures. Not again. He wouldn't be in the hospital again. He was ready last time. Grandma stopped him. Before bed wasn't a good time to try to stab himself, but he’d be smarter if he decided again. Maybe she knew. But she didn't know about the cutting back then. No one did.

Where would Kel be if he succeeded? Basil had no idea.

He had no idea what he'd do now. But he'd stay with Kel until he figured it out, or Kel got sick of him. Whichever came first.

And so, Basil continued to cut himself.

Chapter Text

October 5th, 1999.

One year.

Kel was starting to get used to anxiety, mainly about food and if he'd lost weight, but this was now what took up most of his thoughts.

He had one weekend before the anniversary. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know how Hero and Basil would be, if Aubrey would be mad, if he should skip school, if his parents would do anything... everything was unsure and Kel didn't know what he wanted himself.

What Kel wanted was to look decent, but it was impossible because he was a dumbass and binged for a year when he just needed to endure being hungry for a week.

Friday. The day was on Tuesday.

He should fast. 174 to 158 was good, but Kel still didn't really see a difference when he was fully clothed. And, while he was unsure of the occult, he felt like Mari would see him at the grave and be disappointed in him for being overweight. Judge him... despite the part of his brain knowing Mari helped and would understand him. Kel imagined her being disappointed and insulting him in her little ghost brain.

155. That would be his weight. And he would exercise until it got there or Kel would refuse to go. He already knew it.

Working out on the weekends was hard, but he could run around the basketball court 18 times in about 17 minutes to burn 200 calories. 20, 20, 200. He always rounded up.

Kel started doing this three times a day on the weekend. Being alone for a couple hours to do homework stressed him out, which in turn made him want to eat more, so he had to compensate a bit. He felt accountable when he was being watched at school or by Basil. He didn't have that pressure when he was alone.

Basil actually knew what it was like to be thin, so Kel felt like he was a bit pitying towards Kel's self induced exercise punishments, but Basil never commented on it. He tried to get Kel to eat but he was pretty adamant about it. He was still just barely under the line of being overweight. Even if it was extreme, it couldn't be that bad for him in the long run.

On the opposite side of things, Kel was glad to see Basil gaining some weight back. He started to look more like himself, but the shape of his face wasn't quite back yet. He did see some more energy, mainly with them talking together while sitting in Basil's attic, but he still seemed... fragile. Like one good push and fall would break a bone. Like a good scare would cause a heart attack.

Kel knew it wouldn't be like that though. Basil was vague about it, but Kel could tell he was either hallucinating or having panic attacks, probably both, whenever he wasn't around him. He was starting to have mild ones where he could only think about everything that went wrong, but he was usually fine after some cold water was splashed on his face. He wanted to help him, but he tried whatever he could to no avail.

Hero was starting to have a schedule reminiscent of his parents. Usually back home by 8pm, quickly dropped off by their mom before she went back to work. Kel barely saw him, and when he was home he just wanted to sleep or had to do homework. Kel gave up on trying to actually do anything. He'd check in, usually get an "okay, but tired" and that was about it. He didn't like this.

No one checked on him. If Kel didn't talk to Basil or go to school no one would know if he was alive. No one cared about him, did they? Whatever. A few more years and he'd be free.

Is that how Sunny felt?

Kel was debating whether or not he should try to talk to him again. So far, he felt useless to everyone. Couldn't see his family, couldn't play basketball, couldn't do his homework, couldn't talk to Sunny or Aubrey... the only thing he was doing right was losing weight. So he only focused on that.

155.

-

The morning walk to Basil's felt wrong. It felt like every other day. Waiting for his parents and Hero to leave before weighing himself, getting his ice water and lunch to throw out, going to get Basil in the dull blue glow of the morning... it was familiar, but the pressure of not being able to eat was getting to Kel at just the 20 hour mark. He could go to 35 hours safely, but that was only one time. He'd have to be careful.

"Yo." Basil smiled, briefly holding Kel's hand before letting go.

"M-morning..." Kel felt an odd shiver as a gust of wind blew on them. Basil winced too. Even though he dressed warm and still had a decent amount of fat on him, Kel was way more sensitive to just the mid 60s that fall brought to Faraway. Basil seemed to be doing better, but he always wore Kel's one hoodie. They both had their sweatbands, Kel ignoring the neat scar that had formed, but Kel had to add an older black jacket just to endure the slight temperature drop. It was still a bit too small for Kel to zip up comfortably, but he could fit into some of his older clothes despite getting taller. Still, no more shorts and t shirts for the winter. That was part of the sacrifice he made.

"I hate the w-winter... and it's not even winter yet." Kel smiled a bit.

"Well, we can warm each other up later. Cuddle and stuff..." Maybe make some coco. If he didn't have to fast, he'd do that, but Kel was already set on this.

"That'll be nice."

-

24 hours. This was the most Kel fasted regularly, but he was enduring okay. He really wanted Hero's lunch today, fried chicken and rice, but he easily gave it over to Basil who wanted the bell peppers and lettuce in it. Kel wished he liked vegetables like that, but he didn't. They were really low cal, but he didn't like them. Sucked. He'd just starve like usual.

"Do you want some? You didn't have breakfast again..." Kel shook his head.

"No. I'm okay." Kel's mouth watered at the thought of the sweet and salty teriyaki flavor he knew Hero used. It would be so good. But he wasn't allowed.

"Please. I know you have practice all weekend, and I can't be there to make sure you have something. Just a bit?" Kel looked at it, then down to his hands. Cold in 70 degree weather. 24 hours. That was good enough. Maybe 50 calories of chicken? It's okay.

"Fine... I'm not gonna enjoy it, though."

-

Immediately after eating the few bites of chicken with Basil, Kel regretted his decision. He wanted to beat his record. His sick and disgusting record of starving himself that last ended with him fainting.

He had a way to erase it.

So, he was back to the bathroom hidden behind the gym that Kel learned no one went to. Too dirty. Except for the first stall, which Kel mainly used. Drinking a lot of water had disadvantages, and he wasn't going to go in front of people in the locker room. It was normal to them, but not him.

Either way, Kel got to it. Purging when he didn't eat a lot was a pain, but he managed to get up the chicken just a minute before his next class started. Barely digested and slimy, he took a bit too long to regain himself and heard the bell ring. Crap... this was his second tardy for this class. Well, he could just say he threw up. He did. Not lying, technically. He did lie a lot. Or, more accurately, pretended. Laughing and joking with his classmates and teammates, hiding everything so well he even questioned if he was just being dramatic about his food and was just learning to eat normally again. But purging 200 calories of chicken to reverse breaking his fast showed Kel that no, he was faking being happy, not faking his pain. He suffered. It was just that one saw it.

Most of the time he just felt empty. Not in the same way that he needed something, but that no amount of food, family, or friends would ever make Kel feel whole again. There was a hole in his heart that was barely held together with a few strings of yarn, one tug away from opening an even larger wound.

And Kel felt like shit even about that, because what had he even been through? One death? His mom lost one of her sisters, her parents, and her grandmother by 8. His dad grew up with his parents in and out of prison. Yet, Kel was the one struggling? Maybe he deserved to never be whole with this selfish desire he had to be fixed despite not even being broken. He got out his notebook.

Just deal with it.

-

Kel didn't know if it "counted" or not, but he made it through gym at 30 hours. He had practice for two more coming up. He had gotten used to the soreness, but he felt so tired he ended up sleeping for a bit in the library. The final bell barely woke him up, barely getting any actual rest. Sleeping was rough lately. Too many anxieties in his dreams.

Either way, he had to go to practice.

Kel quickly questioned why it was even called practice. It was essentially just the freshman and sophomores mixing with upperclassman to play basketball. It helped Kel learn how to deal with people as fast as him, but he wasn't really improving. Jumping higher was easier, since he was lighter, but he still wasn't gaining any muscle mass. Maintaining it, but nothing new. Kel was sure it was because of the way he was eating; more accurately, not eating, but he didn't and wouldn't stop. Other than Basil, it was all he had.

Kel didn't know where he'd be without Basil. He'd probably still be binging, be starving himself worse or... well... he wouldn't do that. The thoughts bothered him, knowing what losing Mari did to everyone, but he felt useless and hopeless so often it seemed less scary.

He knew Basil was struggling with it, very obviously, but even the word suicide scared Kel to say out loud. Kel didn't have a method or ideas, but Basil was honest about his feelings, similar to Kel's hopelessness, but Basil subjectively had more potential than Kel. He was smarter and had so many more interests and hobbies. Kel could imagine him opening a book store, flower shop, or maybe even a cafe.

Kel? He was just there. Not doing anything different than another employee or a therapist could do for Basil. He was replaceable and ignorable. He wasn't able to sit still and be a complacent office worker. He couldn't handle manual labor or mind numbing retail work. He already felt like basketball was a dead dream. No one even knew where Faraway highschool was. Why would they ever take someone from there? Exceptional there was mediocre everywhere else. Kel wouldn't succeed. He didn't have the hope that some opportunity would occur that he would be exceptional or that he would suddenly become normal enough to find a normal job.

Kel forced himself to shake the thoughts away. He had to live in the moment, even if the moment was boring and pointless.

-

"Bro, I'm hungry as hell right now."

"You wanna get pizza?"

"Sure."

Kel looked sadly into his locker. He missed the food, but most of all, he missed the happy memories he had while eating it. Even if his rational mind told him to try to ask to go with his two teammates who had regularly invited him a couple weeks ago, to enjoy himself for working as hard as he could, the other voice telling him how gross he'd be convinced him to stay quiet.

Walking home was hard. He was used to it at this point, but the usual growling and protests of his stomach turned to a burning of stomach acid due to the lack of food.

"S-so, the reason why some plants tend to be poisonous or spicy is to ward off predators, but humans learned to cook and make these things delicious! That's why I like salad so much. It's sort of a tribute to how how humans have evolved to diversify... our diets..." Kel stopped walking. He felt sick. He didn't even have food he wanted but anything to stop the burning sensation that was climbing to his throat would help.

"Sorry..." Kel shook his head.

"No, you're g-good-" Kel leaned forward, taking a deep breath. The feeling of nausea was coming despite him not eating. He felt a twisting in his stomach, bowing his head before feeling the acid come up. He managed to get it in the gutter. It burned more than usual. He hated that there was a usual.

"Oh god it burns-" Kel used his shirt to blow his nose. That made it worse. He felt Basil's hand on his back.

"I'm a bit... surprised anything came up." Kel nodded, squeezing his eyes shut. It hurt.

"Me too- I purged earlier too-" Kel stopped. He promised Basil he'd stop. He looked away to avoid seeing his reaction.

"Kel..."

"I won't again."

"It's not about that. I'm not disappointed. I just... I looked more into it. If you do it too much part of your stomach stops working... or weakens... but it's what holds everything in. It's common in... bulimics. Not saying that's what you are, b-but... if you keep doing it, this will happen all the time." Kel felt angry. He had a back up solution if he messed up and now it was bad.

"I don't care. I shouldn't have ate earlier. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve- I don't deserve anything-" Kel squatted down, feeling a burning in his eyes. Things were so bad. His life was bad. He still didn't want to eat.

"D-don't say those things... I wouldn't- I don't think I'd be here still without you. You work hard." Kel shook his head.

"That doesn't matter- I don't matter- no one cares about m-me... other than you." Basil hesitantly hugged him.

"I don't agree, but... I need you. Please stop doing this." Kel blew his nose again, also wiping his eyes.

"I can't stop. Every time I eat I feel disgusting." Basil stayed quiet. Kel knew he wouldn't push. He didn't like that Basil wouldn't put forth the effort, but he knew that there was no way for him to actually help.

"I'll try to stop purging. I just get to eat food when I do it. So even if I eat too much, I still enjoy the food but get rid of the calories. It's not easier than starving... but it helps me do it better. I sound crazy right now. I should just diet like a normal person, but no, I make myself throw up because anything over 500 calories makes me feel like a failure cause I am one." Basil pat his back.

"You're not a failure."

"Okay..."

Chapter Text

The walk back home was silent. Kel wasn't sure what to say. He didn't want anything. He just went by day to day. How had life come to this? Just waiting another day to see if his scale had moved down? It always did but he knew eventually there'd be a time where it wouldn't and he'd freak out.

Him and Basil had the routine of always going to his house and sitting up in the attic for awhile with Claus, before going back downstairs to Basil's room. At first, it made Kel uncomfortable. It would make anyone. But like his starvation, watching Basil cut was just like watching another thing he did, like darting his eyes after eye contact or tapping the toes on his right foot against the concrete while they waited for the bus.

Going up the ladder, Kel buried his face in the pillows on the baseboards. He couldn't do it today.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I know that like... in reality, I'm not really a failure, but I'm not a success either. I don't know. I just don't feel good enough. Especially not appreciative enough." Basil scooted next to Kel, running his fingers through his hair.

"I feel that way too. I could get better... but it's so hard I'd rather just stay doing what I am." Kel sighed into the pillow.

"I could get help. I could tell Hero and my mom what I've been doing, but that's too hard. Everything is. I get why you didn't go out for a few months... I wanna do that right now. I'll just settle for staying here until I have to go home again tonight. Anywhere is better than there." Basil stayed quiet. Kel was starting to notice him doing that whenever he went on a self depreciating rant. How else was he supposed to react? Kel still wished he would plead for Kel to get help, suddenly tell someone, find something that worked... but both of them knew that wouldn't happen. Kel turned, looking at the few photos Basil had strung up.

"I can't believe I haven't asked... but... where's the photo album?" Kel missed those pictures. He missed when he was happy.

"U-um... well... the truth is that I don't know where it went. I know it's somewhere in the house... but... I kind of- I don't wanna look at them. It just... it reminds me of what I'll never have again." Kel could tell he was lying. He didn't care that much. He didn't really care about anything anymore.

"It's okay. We'll find it later."

-

34 hours. Kel was losing it a bit.

Normally when he was really hungry, he'd get tired, but this time he was getting anxious. Basil had fallen asleep with him upstairs, but Kel couldn't even put his head down with how his heart was racing. Nothing even happened. He was just thinking about food, then thinking about the small bit of comfort after a binge, then feeling guilty that he couldn't do it again. Whatever that was earlier with him throwing up wasn't something he wanted to have happen randomly. That was the only thing stopping him.

He needed to get some energy out. Even if he was already exhausted from everything else physical he did today, Kel snuck out to the backyard. Basil's grandma was sleeping again. What was quiet? He tried to remember when he'd try and exercise randomly with Hero when they were supposed to be sleeping. Squats just embarrassed him. Jumping jacks, too. If he felt himself jiggle just a tiny bit and it made him feel unmotivated to even try.

Right! Push ups. Just do them.

You're losing it, Kel. You're going to end up like Basil. Like Sunny. Like Mari.

Kel felt disconnected from his body as he moved down to his knees, putting down the palms of his hands. On the slightly wet grass, and with the angle, they slipped forwards and he fell on his face and chest, almost getting a mouth full of grass. The familiar sensation of getting smacked by Aubrey as a kid rang through his skull. The disorientation lasted for only a couple seconds before it turned to rage. Kel felt himself stand automatically. All that he felt was an angry burning in his chest and adrenaline.

"Fucking- god dammit! Am I so useless and fucking stupid I can't do a push up anymore? I fucking- I can't do this- I- agghh!!" Kel moved to kick some of the flowers, but barely stopped himself. He clenched his fists, running over and kicking the base of a tree a few times until his brain registered the pain of smashing his foot into wood. He stopped, breathing heavily. Despite working out more and more, he was almost more out of shape than before. He looked at his hands.

I'm so weak and pathetic. Why am I even here? Why am I even alive?

Kel froze. He thought that. He really thought that.

All the adrenaline had faded. He was back to just being empty and depressed. Kel felt some wind go through his hair, shuddering a bit despite it barely being below 70. Hearing the rustle of the leaves felt him with a calmness. He was still upset, but he wasn't nearly panicking anymore. He wanted to cry.

"Just... Mari. Mari died. Sunny's gone. Mom and Dad hate you-" That already got him teary. Kel shook his head, trying to block the thoughts by covering his ears.

All you do is run away and ignore people. People like you don't deserve to live.

Kel shook his head. He didn't want to die. He knew that. He just wanted things to be normal again.

"I n-need to calm down..." His nails were bitten, he'd already pulled out the hair that he could, and he chewed up the inside of his mouth on the walk home. He didn't want to make the damage worse. He couldn't binge eat. He definitely couldn't talk about what he felt.

Kel looked at his hands.

Then at his wrist.

He wasn't going to do that.

Kel pulled off his wristband, looking at the line around it; just a bit darker than his regular skin color and slightly raised. He'd have to keep wearing this thing for months until it faded. He didn't want any scars. He didn't want to become addicted to it like Basil. Kel glanced back at the house, peeling off a small piece of tree bark, rolling up his jacket sleeve. Basically anytime he wasn't wearing it he felt cold.

He put the more pointed edge where it broke off against the inside of his wrist, digging in slightly, before quickly pulling it up to his elbow. It left a white line but didn't hurt enough. He pushed it deeper, doing a shorter line. Not enough. He was getting angrier. He growled in his throat angrily, swiping it down and across over and over, stopping once he noticed a layer of skin had been rubbed off in one spot.

Kel let go of a breath he had been holding in, closing his eyes and dropping the wood. He didn't want to do that. He felt better, at least. The wind blew again, hitting the open skin, stinging just a bit. The older lines started to turn pink and puff up a bit. Kel looked closer, seeing a couple spots of red. Just a scrape wouldn't scar, even if it was bleeding. He heard the back door close, turning, quickly pulling it down. Basil ran over.

"Let me see it."

"Basil, it's nothing-"

"Kel. Let me see it."

Kel sighed, pulling it up. Basil took his hand, sighing in relief.

"I thought you were doing that with a blade..." Kel shook his head.

"Just tree bark. I'm fine." Basil moved his sleeve back down.

"We need to disinfect this." Kel shrugged.

"You don't do that with yours... it'll burn."

"I do mine with a clean blade, that's just random wood covered in germs. Just come on!" Kel grinned a little. He kind of liked making Basil mad. He couldn't take the moment seriously at all. He didn't care if it got infected. He felt better. Kel just was happy to see his cute boyfriend, his reason to be, after experiencing a ton of stress.

-

"It's gonna be cold, b-but it shouldn't burn." Kel was a bit grumpy that the lines were already fading as Basil sprayed a clear liquid onto his forearm in the bathroom. It was cold, but it didn't burn, like he said. Kel wished it would. He wasn't in panic mode but was a bit disconnected from the moment.

"I always thought disinfectants burned."

"W-well... peroxide and alcohol do. This is a benzalkonium solution with some lidocaine." Kel laughed at the name.

"Ben calzone-ium."

Basil gave an unamused look, patting his arm dry with toilet paper.

"Well... there you go." Kel looked at his arm again.

"Why don't you ever clean yourself up?"

"I don't care." Kel snorted at how quickly Basil responded.

Kel just looked down awkwardly. He wouldn't do something like that again. He was hyper aware of everything he did. He didn't want to hurt Basil more than he already was by starving.

"So... what should we do now?" Basil shrugged.

"Room?"

"Yeah."

-

Kel felt... odd. Spacey. Understimulated. It was making him anxious again. He was watching Basil in the process of cutting himself again. He didn't do that many at once, but he still did it with Kel around. He was sure it was because the urge to hurt himself was stronger than the fear and shame of being watched, along with the fear of being alone, but Kel still felt and odd sense of trust. He wouldn't throw up around Basil again. No one else saw this part of Basil. It was always silent and a bit awkward. Kel didn't know what to do with himself.

"This ones getting dull... it just burns." Kel nodded. He didn't want to suggest him to have a sharper one for obvious reasons. He watched Basil swipe, dab the blood, looking at the newer one. He put the boxcutter back onto it, swiping again. Kel hadn't seen him do that before.

"It's still not deep enough-" He repeated the process, quickly dropping the boxcutter down and moving the towel over it.

"Basil?"

"I hit something." Kel hurried over, looking as Basil lifted it up. It quickly filled up with blood, starting to drip before Basil moved it back, pressing down.

"Shit."

Basil moved his thigh down, reaching for the boxcutter, moving the other one up.

"That's enough. We need to make sure you don't bleed too much." Basil still pressed the full length of the blade against his skin.

"I'm not satisfied y-yet..." He slid it.

"Basil!" Kel watched the blade lift up. The cut gaped a bit. He immediately felt a pit in his chest, but went to a mix of fear and almost disgust at Basil's facial expression. He looked excited.

"Oh! That's the fat layer! I've never gone that deep before. It's so pretty..." Basil opened it wider with his fingers, looking at it curiously, still holding pressure on the heavily bleeding cut.

Kel stood up, going towards Basil's box of bandages and the extra boxcutter blades. Kel grabbed the container of blades, putting them in his jacket pocket. He moved over, grabbing Basil's wrist, pulling the boxcutter away from him.

"I'm taking these for the night. I shouldn't of given you them to begin with. I just didn't want you using that dirty ass knife." Basil looked at Kel, giving him an icy and incredibly angry glare, looking down and moving the towel to his newer cut.

"Bullshit..." Kel huffed through his nose angrily.

"You're getting worse. Those were way too deep. I shouldn't just let you hurt yourself anymore." Basil leaned back against his bed, looking up at the ceiling.

"You can't stop me from doing anything, Kel. It's not like I don't have anything else to do it with. It's not like I can stop you from starving yourself. So don't tell me what's too bad or not if I'm still alive." Kel clicked it down, putting it in the same pocket.

"I just don't want you to die! I don't have anything else... please. I just want to be able to sleep tonight knowing you won't accidentally bleed out." Basil hugged his knees, quickly switching from extremely angry to extremely sad looking.

"I-I'm sorry... it's just the only thing that makes my brain shut up. I think if I completely stop... while things would get better... if I break down again and can't do it... I might do s-something worse." Kel kneeled down, putting his hands on Basil's shoulders, looking him in the eyes as he started to cry.

"Basil, I am and always will be here for you. If you need me to distract you or need me, I'll be around. Even if I'm in class, even if I'm at home, even if I'm asleep... just come to me. I know I'm not always the best support, but I love you, okay?" Basil looked down before quickly moving to hug Kel.

"I'm sorry-" Kel pat his back.

"It's okay. I am a bit overwhelmed though... so I think I'm going to go home. If you need me to stay, I can, but... today's been really rough." Basil shook his head, pulling back.

"No, I'll be o-okay. Just... Monday night... I already know I'll be a mess. I probably won't be at s-school. Monday or Wednesday, either. It's- it's just too much." Kel pat his shoulder.

"That's fine. Just tell your grandma. And honestly... if this was any bigger I'd try to make you go to the ER. I can't stop you, and I know that, but if it gets worse I won't stay quiet. Even if that means outing my own issues." Kel didn't know how faithful he'd be to that statement, but it would hopefully slow Basil down. Basil nodded.

"Okay."

Chapter Text

You should be doing your homework, Kel.

He didn't want to. That whole situation at Basil's exhausted him. And he was at the point where the hunger was staring to give him anxiety, on top of what he was already worrying about. Mainly that he was past his record for fasting by two hours and actually felt okay, physically, at least.

He's probably hurting himself some other way.

What if he kills himself tonight?

Kel didn't want to think about that. He didn't believe that. He was sitting at his desk in silence for almost an hour, just clicking and unclicking the boxcutter up and down. He wasn't quite shivering, but the lack of the sun made it cold out at night despite fall just starting. Kel started keeping the heat off until just before Hero got home. He looked more stuff up and apparently the cold burned more calories. He couldn't give up taking his scolding hot baths, though.

He should do that.

Kel looked at the extra blades.

The silence of the house almost gave a rang of tinnitus in his ears. He felt woozy and off from the lack of food. He'd already played through all his games. Homework was far from what he wanted to do. It was dark.

Kel clicked up the blade, quickly squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head, putting it down. He didn't want to do it. More accurately, he did, but he wouldn't let himself.

"I'll just change it."

Kel inspected it. He had no idea how to remove it to begin with. He eventually realized there was a cap at the bottom, but couldn't pull it off easily. After a few attempts with some added grip from his shirt, he got the plastic piece off. The notches continued down the space for the blade. Kel clicked it down, but dropped it his finger slid across a piece of metal on the inside, making him quickly bleed.

"Ugh... I don't know how to do this crap." Kel looked at it, waiting for the bleeding to stop, before slowly removing the piece holding the blade. The top was clean but the bottom had dried blood on it.

"Basil..." Kel touched the part of the blade with the blood. He was already missing him. He opened up the new blades, carefully sliding one out. He put it back on the sliding piece, clicking it back up into the plastic piece. He put the cap back, placing it down, hiding the blade under some tissues in his trashcan. He'd take it out tomorrow morning.

"There."

Kel stared at it. He clicked the blade out, looking at the edge closely, seeing the blurred shape of his reflection. He really, really, really wanted to do it. He didn't know why. Is this what Basil felt? He put it down, picked it back up, and fiddled with it for awhile before forcing himself up, going to the bathroom.

-

Weighing himself had become sort of a ritual, but it became something Kel did in the morning on top of his push-ups. But, he hadn't eaten, so it would've gone down, but he had water, so he decided against it. He knew it had gone up, even if it was just a tenth of a pound, but just that amount would make him feel worse. He put the leaf pin Basil gave to him on the counter and undressed.

-

Kel looked at his hands under the surface of the water. He kept imagining the feeling. The slight sting, the sharp pain, and the relief afterwards... he'd only experienced it once and wanted to try it again. What he did earlier just made the urge worse. His arm was still a bit red, but it wasn't hurting. He usually ran the water almost completely on warm, but it was too hot if he did it without any of the cold handle being turned on. He turned the water on, only on warm, waiting until he saw steam and felt the heat mixing into the cooler water around his feet.

Kel stuck his right arm under the faucet. He wanted to flinch away, but held it there with his left. It hurt. He held it for around 10 seconds, feeling it go numb, before pulling it away, turning the water off. The skin was flushed pink. Kel touched it with his other hand, feeling the warmth. He moved it down into the cooler water. In comparison to the heat, it felt like ice water. He relaxed in it. That got rid of the urge to cut.

Would it come back?

He really didn't want it to.

Kel leaned back, waiting for awhile, just staring at the ceiling, feeling the dull burn of his arm. His stomach was starting to audibly growl. It almost felt good to him, but annoyed him. Because he wasn't hungry. It was just his body being stupid. Hero would be home soon. And he'd just dismiss Kel like usual. He didn't care. If he cared, he'd ask how Kel was, even if he appeared to be doing okay.

Kel thumped his head against the edge of the tub. Despite the house being quiet, there was too much noise. He dunked his head under the water, the actual and mental noise being drowned out by a faint rumble that came with the water. He wished he could stay under forever. He felt light and calm like this. But he had to breathe.

Kel quickly washed his hair, getting out and drying off. The roughness of the towel hurt his arm, sensitive from the scrapes and burn. He combed out his hair, finally noticing how it brushed just above his shoulder blades. He didn't want to cut it. It helped hide the shape of his face. It was getting in the way at practice, though. He towel dried it and fumbled with one of his mom's hairties, finally getting a decent looking low ponytail.

Kel still didn't like how much of his face showed, but his ears were covered. He put the leaf pin back on, near his bangs, along with his pedometer. He didn't look right. He never looked right. Kel looked closer at his face. His skin was more washed out and he had some eyebags forming. He didn't look like a kid anymore. He was just on that border of too old for kid stuff, but too young to be responsible for what he wanted. If it was up to him he'd be having nothing but fresh fruit and water all day, but he barely had control of what he wanted. Not eating was just easier. He didn't want to raise suspicion by trying to change what Hero had planned out for him, or at least tried to.

Kel moved to look at his body instead. His stomach was definitely flatter, but there was still a bit sticking out at the bottom. His arms were more toned, but thighs were still too big. He was glad he was losing weight, but he wasn't nearly small enough. Kel didn't even want to be muscular or strong anymore, he just wanted to be small. He just wanted to blend into the background. He just wanted to disappear to keep everyone away from him.

Kel looked at his collar bones, then tried connecting different fingers around his wrist, then tried sucking in his stomach to look thinner. He'd have to lower his goal if it still looked like that at 120. The background fear and knowledge that it was bad for him was completely washed away by the idea of himself looking exactly how he wanted. He'd just have to try hard to get there. He'd get there eventually.

-

40 hours.

9pm.

Where the hell was Hero?

Kel was pacing around, immediately assuming the worst. It wasn't like him, but his brain was fried and on alert from starvation. What if they got in a car crash? What if the last real interaction with him was a sad, pathetic talk about how much of a stupid fatass he was? He missed his brother. He missed feeling like someone cared he was alive. Maybe once he looked good someone would approach him at school. His personality certainly wasn't attracting people anymore. He was sure people could feel the negativity coming off of him.

How many steps had he taken?

Kel got out his notebook.

9/27/99: 161
Apple: 80
Toast: 200
Half bag of chips: 100
Juice: 80
Bread: 200
Turkey: 40
Mayo: 60
Total: 780
Burned: 403
Net: 377

9/28/99: 160.5
Orange: 65
Half a bagel: 180
Sausage link: 40(?)
Crappy donut: 350
Total: 635
Burned: 424
Net: 211

9/29/99: 160
Hero's breakfast: 350
Cheese: 70
Chocolate milk: 150
Total: 570
Burned: 446
Net: 124

9/30/99: 159.1
Orange Joe: 190 (what is even in it to make it so high bro >:( I just want my orange Joe)
Ham: 80
School lunch turkey and potatoes abomination: 280(?)
Total: 550
Burned: 455
Net: 95 (!!! yaaaaa)

Kel smiled at his number from yesterday. He got to actually enjoy a drink he liked because he was good and didn't eat more than he absolutely had to. He got his pen.

10/1/99: 158
Chicken: 90ish
Purged
Total: 0

Kel glanced. It was lower than normal. Well... he didn't go to the basketball court today. Too distracted.

Burned: 377
Net: -377

Kel paused, simply smiling at the number for a few seconds. His mood from earlier had completely changed. He was ready to go to bed, wake up, work out more, and net even less calories the next day. He didn't care about his homework. He didn't care about his family. And for a bit, he didn't care about Basil.

Realizing that quickly broke Kel out of it. He could be hurting himself, his family could be dead, he would fail his classes, he would get kicked out of basketball- he could be nothing and alone in an instant.

Kel shut the notebook, and grabbed the boxcutter. He was almost hyperventilating, imagining what his days would be like without Basil. He wouldn't be able to do it. He wouldn't survive it.

Kel rolled up his sleeve, pressing the tip of it at the top of his wrist, barely stopping himself from going all the way up his forearm. He turned it perpendicular, barley pressing it in, sliding it to the side quickly, leaving a roughly two inch long cut. The line slowly filled with blood, gaping a bit as Kel left it. He waited, watching it drip onto his desk. He threw the boxcutter away towards his bed, hearing it hit the wall and then then the floor. He buried his face in his hands, looking as blood dripped down his forearm.

"What the hell am I doing?! Wait, I know, I'm a gay disordered little freak with a self harm addicted, suicidal boyfriend, neglectful asshole  parents, and a brother who can't even be bothered to talk to him! And instead of asking for help, I do this!" Kel got up. He kicked his chair over before jumping onto his bed, yelling into his pillow. He stayed quiet, thinking of Basil's gentle smile, Hero's encouraging head pats, and his dad's overly tight hugs before crying. He was the problem. He knew the circumstances all of them were in yet was selfish enough to be angry about it all. He didn't need or deserve food. He didn't deserve his friends. He deserved to rot and be forgotten. He deserved to die.

Kel stayed down for a bit before hearing the front door open. He quickly took off the pillowcase, getting up and wiping the blood off his desk with it, stuffing it under some of the clothes in his closet's dresser. He grabbed the boxcutter, sticking it in his pocket, pulling down his sleeve right as Hero opened the bedroom door.

"H-Hey."

"Heyyy... sorry I got back so late. Some of the prep kids wanted to go out for dinner. I got you some fries." Kel quickly imagined the taste of fresh warm fries, eating and finally having his anxiety leave, but was too trapped by everything and stuck in his mindset to even consider accepting them.

"Nah, I'm alright. I'll have them tomorrow." Kel looked at the desk. He didn't really get to wipe it clean properly. He'd have to do it tomorrow or after Hero went to sleep.

"Are you sure? They're still fresh." He was still bleeding a bit.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I don't wanna eat before bed." Kel really wanted them. He wasn't allowed. He'd have to wait until Tuesday. That sounded ridiculous to him, but he'd do it anyways.

"Alright." Hero went to put the container on his desk. Kel grabbed it.

"I got it!" Hero raised an eyebrow but went to his own desk, putting down his bag and turning on his desk light.

"You have practice tomorrow?" Hero opened his bag. Guess he still had work to do. Kel picked up his chair, looking at his desk closer. None of it was visible.

"Yeah. I don't know if I'm gonna go, honestly... Tuesday is... y'know." Hero froze.

"I... almost forgot. What a great boyfriend for her I was." Kel was unsure of how to respond. He didn't forget, but he wasn't doing nearly the same amount of work Hero was.

"Do you... maybe wanna visit?"

"I... I don't think I can." Kel looked down at his hands. He understood the fear. He got the hesitation. But it felt disrespectful. She lived and gave up her life, struggling in silence, just to be forgotten about by everyone but him. Kel knew Hero loved her, but the inability for him to deal with it made Kel incredibly mad for months. He stayed quiet about it until their fight.

Hero said he had no right to tell him how to grieve over Mari's death. And Kel didn't. Because he ran away too, drowning his emotions with food and toxic positivity. He wouldn't do that again. He wouldn't force Hero again.

"It's... okay. Is there anything you want me to do for her?" Hero waited for a second before reaching into his bag, pulling out his wallet. He walked over, handing Kel 20$.

"Lily of the Valley. For her." Kel nodded. Hero sighed, wiping at his eyes.

"Anyways... ponytail? We could get your hair cut, y'know." Kel shook his head. He could take care of himself. Even if that care was worse for him. He didn't want to rely on anyone.

"Nah. It makes me feel elegant." Hero laughed a bit, but Kel was serious. He patted his head.

"If you're sure about it." Kel nodded. That was the first affectionate touch he'd had from anyone other than Basil in two weeks.

"Well... I have some more homework I gotta get done."

"O-okay..."

"Kel?" He shook his head. He didn't want to cry. It would just bring up questions.

"Sorry... I don't know why I'm crying. Hormones, right?" All he had left was his disorder. He'd only been like this for two weeks. It wasn't enough to make a big deal out of. He couldn't talk about it. What excuse could he give?

"It's... okay. Do you wanna talk?" Kel shook his head.

"No... just... someone at school called me fat today. It hurt." That was himself, but it was believable.

"Kel, you're not fat. You've been doing really good with your diet! They don't know you. Just ignore it and move on." He was doing good!!! Kel knew it was rough on him, but hearing that praise got rid of all the pain he'd been through. He'd be fine now.

"You're right. I will." Hero moved to hug him, but Kel backed away. He wanted to keep him at a distance. He didn't want to hurt him.

"Sorry. Just... hang in there." Kel nodded. Hero turned, going to his desk.

Kel grabbed the fries, going down to the kitchen. He opened the box, looking at them. Soggy diner fries. They were undercooked. Kel grabbed a handful, stuffing it in his mouth, close to swallowing them before spitting them out in the sink. He was doing this. He had to do this. He needed to look right. He grabbed the mess from the sink and threw it in the trash, almost throwing the box away, but knew he had to be careful about it. Rationally, he knew no one would go through the trash, but there was the off-chance they'd notice and wonder why he wasted food.

Kel stuck them in the fridge, pausing and sliding down to the floor, leaning against the fridge. He couldn't stop now if he tried. Even if he lost weight normally, stayed the same, or even gained some back, he'd still be miserable. His family would still be broken. He'd still be a mess like Basil was. Kel pulled up his sleeve, looking at his arm. It had stopped bleeding, but had smeared a bit. He rinsed it under the sink, wincing as it stung, pulling the sleeve back down. He'd have to get a bandaid to cover it. Not the end of the world, but he could just say Hector scratched him.

Hector.

Kel hadn't played with him in a few days. He went into the living room. He wasn't quite asleep, but had his head down like he was ready to. Tomorrow.

Kel went to the bathroom again. He wanted to know. He pulled off his clothes and got on the scale.

157.8

Well... he'd lost a bit. Not enough, but it'd go down by the morning. That was fine. He got dressed again, looking in the mirror. There was still so much wrong with his body. He was getting that anxious feeling again. Kel forced himself out, going back into him and Hero's room. He had headphones in. Kel wished he had that. He glanced a few times before sticking the boxcutter into his backpack.
Well... he'd be up for awhile.

Kel pulled his covers up and tried to go to sleep.

Chapter Text

“Sunny?" Kel didn't know how long they'd been walking. The sand of the beach gave way to dirt, the pale blue to bright purple, and the trees became dense, tall, and rugged. Aspens and maples, to large oaks, to 300 foot tall redwoods. The leaves created a purple canopy, light shining down on them through the few small gaps.

"H-huh?" He sounded out of breath. Kel looked back, seeing him almost 15 feet behind.

"Just seeing if you're okay." Sunny shrugged. He looked close to collapsing.

"We can stop for a bit." Sunny shook his head, hurrying back up to Kel.

"No- if I stop... I'm not going to get back up again." Kel stopped, feeling Sunny bump into him. He buried his face into Kel's back, groaning.

"We probably just need to stop for some water and food. I don't... really see anyone around here though. I only have 2 shells, so we can't really buy anything anyways." Kel pulled out the small purple shells. They were hard to find on the beach, but he valued them highly, even if most places charged in the hundreds for them.

"Well... just... there might be some apples or something... Mari said that there was a big apple tree in the middle of the forest. I'd rather have... like... oragne juice... but those are fine." Kel crouched down, having Sunny jump on his back. He felt too light to be made of... human? He felt the same as Kel's backpack. Backpack? He didn't have one of those. He didn't own anything other than a pretty leaf for his hair that Basil gave him and his shells. Well... sand in his pockets... but that was everywhere around where he lived.

Walking on and on, Kel was unsure of where the woods even started, if he'd looped around an area, the difference between fallen trees and deer, or even where the sun was. Sunny had long fallen asleep, and he was running out of steam. He followed the chain, still fading out into the woods, but he just never seemed to make any progress. After enough time, he settled off to the side in a small clearing, lying Sunny down, before laying down himself against a big log. He felt like he was going to pass out himself.

Sudden crunching leaves behind Kel made him dart up, feeling the chain around his wrist pull to the side. He moved his eyes along the chain.

"Mari!! Thank goodness-" She smiled at Kel kindly, setting down a picnic basket and sitting next to him. Was her hair always so... yellow? And full of little leaves? Kel ignored it. He also ignored a faint rumbling in the distance. Mari didn't seem to notice it. The anxious feeling of something being wrong looked over him, but he pushed it down.

"Hello, Kel! I haven't seen you in awhile. Are you doing alright? I see you brought Sunny with you. Is he napping again?" Kel glanced at him.

"I... think he fainted. Heh." Mari jumped up, immediately reaching for her basket.

"I knew I shouldn't have let him go over to see you! His blood sugar is probably super low..." She pulled out a box of juice, carefully holding up Sunny's head and squeezing a bit of it into his mouth. He weakly swallowed it, trying to reach but passing back out after drinking a bit. Kel felt bad. He didn't even ask Sunny to see him. He wasn't allowed to have any food. Otherwise, he would have given him something.

"Well... it'll take him a bit to feel good enough to get up. Do you want anything to eat?" Kel shook his head quickly.

"Nope! I'm alright." Mari looked around, handing him a plastic water bottle.

"You need some water at least. I know you swim around a lot, and by the looks of the dirt on your feet, you've been walking for awhile." Kel nodded and took it, taking a couple sips of it. It hurt his chest. He didn't need anything yet.

"So... where were you two even headed? You know there's nothing around for a few miles." Kel looked down at the ground, seeing a couple roly poly's walking on the mulch. He moved his hand down, letting one walk on him.

"Well... at first I was just looking for Basil, then for you to help out Sunny, but then I just sorta followed this..." He lifted his left arm up, the chain around it connecting to her and his right to Sunny's. Kel turned his hand over to let the bug continue walking. Round and round it went.

"Oh! I don't know how I missed that... it seems so obvious now. I didn't even notice it on myself..." She lifted up her right hand. Sure enough, it faded from a yellow into Kel's red chain, bright orange in the middle. Kel jingled it.

"Any ideas on what it is?" Mari shook her head.

"No... I've never seen it before. I'm... unsure of what it is." Kel and Mari looked over as Sunny slowly sat up, groaning a bit. He rubbed his eye with his hand.

"Yo." Sunny just held his hand up, sort of waving, trying to figure out where he was.

"Hello..." He locked onto Mari, hurrying over and hugging her. Mari hugged him back. Kel wanted a hug... well, Mari was Sunny's sibling, not his. He stayed quiet, focusing on the bug. Happy thoughts... that never worked.

"You really worried me, you know. I'm glad your safe." Sunny nodded, letting go.

"Now that that's settled, where's Basil? I know you said you were looking for him, Kel." Kel nodded, overly focused on the bug now. He forced himself to let it go.

"Yeah... I couldn't find him anywhere. I figured he might of gone to get some apples at the big apple tree, but I have no idea where it is." Mari looked off into the woods.

"It's a bit hard to find. He's probably just in the treehouse."

"Treehouse?! That sounds awesome! I didn't know there was one." Kel immediately wanted to see it.

"Yeah! Everyone helped with building it. Well... everyone but you." Kel immediately didn't want to see it.

"It's just! You know how it is... it took a lot of time to gather the things for it, and... well... it can be a surprise for you!" Kel looked away. He still felt left out. No one ever included him in anything. He just brought everyone down unless he was pretending to be a good person.

"I just... I wanna find Basil. If you think he's there, I'll go." Mari looked at him apologetically, but smiled.

"Yeah. Let's go."

-

Kel felt odd as they walked. The purple trees turned yellow after the walked off the path, matching Mari well. Without the chain, he might have gotten lost, except for Sunny. He stuck out in the yellow very clearly. He saw a couple deer off in the woods, blending into the bright yellow foliage apart from their dark pupils. He just wanted to be back at the lake with Basil, sitting together in warm, comfortable silence. He was angry that Mari could hold Sunny's hand. He didn't have a right to be mad, but he didn't get why Basil was suddenly gone.

"Aaaand here it i-!" Mari stopped, looking. Kel looked. A fairly large tree with a simple rectangular treehouse sat in a small cleaning of grass, a tire swing hanging down off a branch. But most importantly, all of the leaves had fallen off the tree, turning black on the ground. Kel was surprised by it, looking at Sunny. He looked afraid.

"That's... what happened?" Mari let go off Sunny, putting down her basket and walking up to the leaves. She crouched down, touching one, before pulling her hand back quickly, wiping her finger off on her skirt as the leaf melted and stuck to her hand.

"It burnt me!" Kel moved next to her, doing the same thing. It didn't hurt at all. Mari moved to pull his hand away.

"Kel! You'll hurt yourself!" He looked at the goop on his fingertip, opening and closing his hand. The material shifted into the shape of a hand on the tip of his finger, following his movements.

"It likes me!" Mari looked at him with an odd mix of concern and disgust, pulling him back by the collar of his tank top.

"Kel. You need to get it off of you. I've read about it... it sticks to people and messes with their brains. Seriously. I don't want you to feel what it's like." Kel looked down at it, feeling it move to his palm, digging into it. He winced, trying to pull it off, but it just hurt more. Mari moved it do it.

"Ow! Stop that!" She tugged a couple more times before letting it go, sighing.

"And now we're gonna have to go to the city. Dang it... I don't like it there..." Kel looked back to the tree house. He stepped back towards the leaves, but they moved out of his way, leaving a path to the treehouse. Sunny and Mari had a hesitant look on their faces, but didn't try to stop him. He climbed the ladder and went inside.

Despite never coming here, it felt familiar. Pink plants in the windows, a calendar, a small table... yet it seemed fuzzy to Kel. He looked at the back wall, seeing some of Basil's photos stuck to it. He recognized them, but many of the faces were covered by the same black goop that was now stuck to his hand. The darkness spread, fully covering the photos. All but a few were covered. Kel took them.

The lake, the place where he stopped with Sunny, and now the treehouse. Kel took the pictures, looking closer at an unfamiliar uncovered one. It was a vague shot of a large building, only the top corner showing with the sky, in black and white. That had to be where Basil was.

He'd find him.

Chapter Text

Kel woke up extremely disoriented, feeling the fabric of his jacket pull on the open wound on his arm. He relaxed it, instead feeling the sensation of his scorched skin rubbing against it. He sighed into his pillow. He had no idea what time it was. He didn't want to know. As soon as he was up, he had to pretend to be someone else and he didn't even know who that was. Or himself. There was no point to getting up. There was nothing to do except starve and be miserable. With his face down in his pillow, dark, quiet, he could pretend that there was nothing. He was nothing. No one else existed. He wasn't on earth. He wasn't a human. Nothing was wrong with him or the world. It was just darkness.

Is this what death would feel like?

Kel had ideas of an afterlife, but if there was a paradise he'd go to, would that truly be happiness? He knew humans always want more. Would every need be met automatically? How would it be met if they didn't know of anything they wanted?

...

Such an idea was ridiculous. Either way, he kissed a boy, so he wasn't going there. He didn't know the rules, if Basil "counted", but he was a boy to Kel. So it was still gay. Two of the seven deadly sins were things he regularly committed. He ate his way to almost 200 pounds and was envious of anyone else who had that self control in them naturally. He was envious of how Basil looked, even if it was wrong. Envious of how Hero would always be seen as better between both of them. Envious people still had their friends. Their innocence. Their happiness.

Kel finally lifted his head up to absorb a couple tears with his sleeves. He'd only really been depressed for about a month, but he was already sick of crying so often. He just wanted it to be over. For a long time, Kel didn't understand why people would commit suicide, but he was starting to get it so well that it scared him. He just didn't get why Mari did.

She was smart, and helpful, and talented, and loved by so many people. She had a foreseeable future with Hero and was making her way into a music career. Why did she just... give up? She had to be under a lot of pressure, but Kel only started feeling this was after he'd lost almost everything. Basil and his eating disorder was all there really was left. He didn't want to do anything. He didn't want to be anything. The idea of being a professional basketball player felt like a far off dream, even if his family spent time together he'd still be immensely disappointed in himself and wouldn't enjoy any of it, and he'd never make friends like he'd had again. It wasn't just teenager hormones and everything that happened after Mari died. He objectively didn't see a future where he'd be happy.

Despite that, Kel still felt the sensation to cry again. He just wanted to give up, but couldn't get rid of the underlying instinct that told him to keep trying. He was sick of feeling bad that he felt bad. This could go on forever. It already felt like months.

Kel finally pushed himself to sit up. It was still dark out, but he heard birds chirping. He checked his watch. 5:30. He turned to the edge of his bed, feeling the familiar burning sensation of his stomach constricting itself. Oddly... he felt somewhat peaceful. No one was up. No one to look at him. No one to talk to him. He glanced out the window. It was bright enough...

Kel headed outside. He looked across the street at the trees, hearing the birds chirping. There was an urge in legs to go right. He didn't even want to go that way, necessarily, but it felt like he should. Kel walked over to Sunny's house. He looked at the driveway. His mom wasn't home. Kel knew she never used the garage. That was... weird. It was way too early for her to be heading to the city for work. While it wouldn't be very nice of him, he could wake up Sunny and try to talk to him.

Kel briefly remembered what it felt like, seeing him smile after he tried over and over again to get a joke to make him laugh. Then he immediately remembered his hollow expression at the funeral. His eyes didn't feel like those of someone living.

He was at the door, but the desire to see him evaporated. Kel put his hand against the door, looking down at his shoes. This was hopeless. Even if he tried, he doubted Sunny would actually come to the door. And he didn't have the will to knock. Kel closed his eyes, trying to imagine Sunny's hand matching his on the other side of the door. Just trying to show in some way to Sunny that he was struggling badly too. That he could try again. That both of them might be happy again someday.

Kel opened his eyes. He was back to this place. Back on a planet, back to being a person, back to existing. He dropped his hand from the door. This was pointless. He turned and walked to the end of the driveway. He looked back, but nothing changed.

Kel headed to the park, sitting on one of the swings. He couldn't feel anything again. The sun was rising. He had to go home soon.

Did he?

No one would notice if he was gone. At least, not for awhile. Kel got up, going to the basketball court, starting to speed walk around it. Then jog. Run. Sprint. First his legs burned, then went numb, then the air going into his lungs started to feel wrong. He eventually tripped, scuffing his hands on the asphalt. He looked at one of them for a second before pushing it back down into the rocks, gritting his teeth as it burned. Still, Kel continued to do it. If he couldn't feel anything else, he could at least feel pain. He completely understood Basil now. Kel held it for a few more seconds before lifting it up, laying on the ground. The birds had stopped.

-

Kel waited a while, just staring at the sky as it changed colors. He eventually heard a car drive by, prompting him to sit up so he didn't look dead. He wasn't really thinking about anything. Just wondering why life was like this for him now. Why things had gotten so bad, specifically for him? Hero wasn't like this. Aubrey wasn't like this. Basil was having a hell of a hard time, too, but... almost everyone else in town was thriving. Normal.

Kel wanted breakfast. He wanted to feel normal. He wanted to have a day where him and Hero woke up, brush their teeth, and eat breakfast with their parents. They'd go off and get Mari and Sunny, then Aubrey, then Basil, and go to school. He'd go to his classes and be slightly bored but still present mentally. He'd be excited for gym, then finally get to sit with everyone and just talk. Basil would talk about his pictures, Sunny would draw some things, Aubrey would ask questions and make some snappy remarks, and Kel would joke around and laugh. They'd meet at their bus stop, come back home, and listen to Mari and Sunny play their song together. He'd come home and eat dinner... do his homework... play his games... spend time with Hero... and want to live the next day.

That would never happen again. Yet he still clung onto the idea that he'd feel that again. At least... there was one way he could try to feel that.

Kel waited a bit longer until 7:00. Everyone would be gone by then. He headed back home, grabbing his backpack. Walking to Basil's was extremely familiar at this point. He just wanted to see one person he knew. Just... something. Kel let himself in. Him and Basil had figured out how their schedules worked enough to be fine with this. Most of the time, his grandma would be in bed or outside, so it was basically just Basil's permission he needed. And he had it. Kel knocked on the door to his room.

"Basil? Are you here?" Kel waited a bit. Probably asleep. He knew Basil had a problem with staying up all night then falling asleep once the sun came up on the weekend. He opened the door, but he wasn't in bed. The middle of the floor had a few things on it. Bloody tissues, a blade Kel hadn't seen before, and... a notebook? It was open with a drawing on it. Kel immediately felt his heart race.

It was just a stick figure with Basil's hairstyle, but it was hanging in a room that looked exactly like the attic.

Chapter Text

"BASIL!" Kel didn't even know he was capable of screaming like that. He pulled down the ladder extremely hard, hearing it scratch the floor as he hurried up the ladder. Kel could feel everything. Terror, adrenaline, panic- what would he do with himself if he died? He just had to hope that he was there on time-

Kel had to take a second to process what he was seeing. At first, he was relieved, seeing Basil sitting on the floor of the attic. He was clutching the shoulders on his hoodie, shaking a bit, but he was alive.

That was until Kel saw the shotgun.

He didn't even think, pushing Basil over and grabbing it from his lap, throwing it to the other end of the room, clattering on the floor. He got up, helping Basil sit up and looking him over. He was okay. Terrified, but okay. Kel immediately threw his arms around him, hugging him tighter than he'd hugged anyone in his life.

"GOD! I though you were dead! I thought you were dead..." Kel grabbed his hair, sobbing into his shoulder. He was all he had left. The only thing that made him happy. He felt Basil slowly hug back. Neither of them said anything. Kel was only focused on the fact that he was still here. He felt that if he let go of him that something terrible would happen. He felt Basil rub his back, making Kel relax, realizing he was shaking once he did. A coupon minutes later, the shock subsided enough for Kel to let go. The first thing Kel noticed was that Basil's sleeves were rolled up. A fairly large gash went from the base of his wrist to midway up the inside of his arm. Kel pulled his arm, looking at it.

"I got scared. I couldn't finish it." Kel shook his head, letting go and looking away. He saw the shotgun.

"Why do you have a gun?" Basil looked down at his wrist. He stayed quiet.

"Basil." Basil pulled his hair, scrunching up further.

"Why?" It was more of a statement than a question.

"BECAUSE I WANT TO DIE, OKAY?! It's not even loaded!" Basil tried to hurry and crawl over to it, but Kel grabbed the back of his hoodie, pulling him away. Basil froze, staring at it.

"If it had bullets I'd be dead by now. I promise it's not..." Kel pulled him to sit down.

"We need to be serious about this. What happened last night for you to do this?" Basil was still fixated on it.

"I... I don't know. You left, a-and I felt bad, and then it got dark and I started seeing things. I should have tried to get to you; I know that. I couldn't. Even the thought of going outside made me do this to my arm. I tried to distract myself by drawing, but the thoughts got worse. And I finally remembered that there was that gun up here. I don't know if I am- or was, really going to go through with anything... but the feeling of holding something so dangerous was enough of a distraction for me to hold on for awhile." Kel felt he wasn't telling the hole truth, but that was enough for him to relax enough to think.

"Boys? Is everything alright? It took me awhile to get up... I heard some yelling." Basil pulled down his sleeve, grabbing one of the pillows and throwing it to cover the shotgun. Kel didn't even know what to say. Basil moved over the gap in the floor, looking down at her.

"We're fine; I just panicked a bit. I'll be down soon to make us some breakfast, okay?" Kel couldn't believe how nonchalant he was about it. There was a small comment Aubrey made awhile back, about how Basil wasn't "innocent" or something, but it got scary when he lied so easily. Kel didn't know how he got good at it, probably from hiding his self harm, but there had to be some truth to what Aubrey said. He was starting to pick up on little things with his behavior that put Kel off, even if he didn't want to admit it.

"Okay... take your time." Kel heard her walk away with the walker, prompting him to pull up the ladder for their privacy.

"Dude. We need to tell her. That cut on your arm needs stitches." Just from his facial expression, Kel knew he'd protest it.

"I can take care of it. I don't want to deal with going to the hospital again." Kel forgot he'd been there before. He forgot something like that? Why the hell did he ever leave Basil alone after he told Kel about stabbing himself?

"I've heard that the experience at mental hospitals are bad, but with your... past.... and this, I don't think we should do that. I know I've been a hypocrite lately, about a lot of things, but both of us have been getting worse. And..." Kel didn't want to do this. He didn't want to plead for his one reason to try to live. He looked down. He didn't have anything else to say. He didn't have a reason for himself to do anything, so what was he supposed to say to Basil? Kel was a bit surprised when Basil hugged him. He already felt so selfish, but was feeling neglected by Basil lately, and the fact that he felt that way when Basil was clearly struggling worse, just made Kel feel terrible about himself all over again.

"If you want me to go, I-I'll go." Kel closed his eyes. Like this, with Basil, the world went from greys and blues to oranges and pinks. The soft feeling of his hair against his neck, his hands gently touching his back, and the warmth of his body were the only things he wanted. Needed. Kel needed him. He had to stay here. He'd already cut himself again after saying he would never do it again. If he was alone on Tuesday, and he spiraled like last night, he could be in a worse situation than Basil was.

"I..." Kel moved his hand up, gripping the fabric of his hoodie.

"Please don't leave. It's so selfish of me... but... I'm scared to be alone. I can't- I don't know how to be this way with anyone else anymore. You're all that I have, Basil..." He couldn't take it anymore. He was hurting him by doing this, both physically and mentally, but Kel needed something.

"I-I won't, then."

Chapter Text

The immediate guilt Kel felt was astonishing. He didn't deserve him. He thought Basil was bad for him at first, but Kel was starting to realize it was the opposite. Kel pulled himself away, as much as he wanted to stay next to him forever.

"I'm sorry for asking you to stay. I just... I don't know what to do, or what I will do, or what I should do. At the very least... I want to stay around you for a few days. Probably until Wednesday. I just want to keep an eye on you, and... probably have you do the same for me." Kel didn't want to do it, but he pulled his sleeve up, showing Basil the cut on his arm from last night. The redness on his skin from the water was mostly gone.

"It's not too bad, b-but it looks irritated. And messy. We should disinfect it like yesterday." Kel nodded.

"What about yours? Including the ones on your legs. Those were bad." Basil pulled up the shorts he was wearing. He'd bandaged them up.

"I got these things at the pharmacy that work like stitches. They were e-expensive, though. I need to go clean up my arm." Basil moved to open up the hatch leading downstairs, but Kel blocked him with his arm.

"One more thing. What are we going to do with that?" Kel pointed at the pillow. Basil sighed, looking down.

"I don't think my grandma even knows about it. It... it was my dads. It's been up here since he left, j-just sitting in a box. It's useless, though. It's not like I can buy bullets for it." Kel looked at it. He knew basically nothing about Basil's family. It was a scary object, but it wasn't harmful in its current state.

"I... guess it'll stay up here. It's a bit unnerving, but if there's no way to use it, it doesn't really matter." Basil gave a small nod, taking it and putting it into one of the boxes near the back window. Kel was curious about what else was in there, but based on that one object, it was likely laced with unknown trauma.

Kel decided to start the lead back down, Basil following him. Kel just barely closed the door enough to Basil's room for the bloody tissues to not be visible from the doorway. He felt bad about hiding it from his grandma, but Basil was hiding his disordered habits from his own family, so it felt wrong to tell on him unless he absolutely had to. It was close to that today, but Kel couldn't be without him this weekend. The anniversary date last year wasn't smooth sailing at all, but Kel was in a much worse mindset now. He helped Basil put everything away into a bag to be thrown out once he got a chance, before heading into the bathroom.

Like yesterday, Basil rinsed off his arm with the antiseptic, before he did his own arm. Kel was used to him absorbing the blood, but like this, he saw just how much was coming out in the liquid. Basil put one of the bandaids he got from Kel on Kel's arm, before he watched Basil try to fix his own.

"Maybe we should go to the ER, just to stitch it up. It's close to your veins. You could get like... a blood infection or something." Basil ignored him, putting a type of bandage Kel hadn't seen before on his arm. It had little strings on it. Basil pulled one of them, which brought the two sides of the wound together.

"They'll treat it as an attempt because of my history, even if it wasn't my intention." Kel understood, but didn't like it. He wrapped some gauze around his arm, pulling the sleeve down. There was no way to know it was even there without lifting it.

"Well... I was gonna make breakfast. Are you... can you eat some?" Kel looked outside, thinking for a second.

"I dunno... that whole thing kinda overwhelmed me. I haven't eaten for awhile, but I'm not really hungry. For real." Kel looked at his watch. 47 hours. Almost two full days without actually eating anything. Basil looked annoyed and sad at the same time.

"O-okay. I'm gonna go now." Kel watched him slowly walk out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He looked at himself in the mirror, pulling up his jacket. He was finally starting to look normal. Before, Kel focused on certain parts of himself and only thought of them being "thin" or "fat" parts, but he could see his body as a whole more easily now. He still hated it. He still wasn't building any muscle despite how much he exercised. He was keeping up in his gym classes and his practices fine, though.

Kel checked the time. It was around 8 in the morning. If he walked now, he'd be late to practice regardless. He couldn't do it with how little food and sleep he'd had. He looked over himself one last time before leaving. Basil was in the kitchen, getting some things out of the fridge. His grandma was next to him, filling up a teapot with water. Tea wasn't his favorite, but Kel knew it didn't have any calories as long as he didn't add anything to it. He decided to sit on the couch.

Kel looked at his backpack by the door. He had homework to work on. Nope. He laid down, closing his eyes. He was pretty tired, still. He relaxed pretty quickly, starting to fall asleep, but got startled back awake from a glass clinking loudly.

"G-Grandma, I know you want to help, but I can make it for you. I don't want you to hurt yourself."

"Yeah, yeah... alright." Kel heard the chair scoot out. It had only been about a month since Kel first saw her again, but it seemed like her mobility was deteriorating fast. He got up, going over to the table, sitting across from her. After laying down, he'd gotten more sleepy than he expected. The stress of what just happened with Basil overwhelmed him after all. The sun was overwhelming him and he had a slight headache. Kel put his face in his hands, leaning on the table. He felt something tap his elbow, looking.

"Have some tea, dear. It'll wake you up a bit." Kel hesitantly took a sip. He only really liked green tea and this was a black tea. It mostly tasted like water without the sugar in it. It helped his stomach feel better, though. He looked at Basil in the kitchen. Kel was glad to see him doing something other than... well... hurting himself. It looked like he was just cooking up some eggs and vegetables, along with some yogurt that was already sitting in a bowl. Kel wanted the eggs. He'd barely eaten any protein recently. He'd barely eaten anything recently. He almost chuckled thinking that. He took another sip of the tea. The mug was already empty.

"Alright! D-do you want any, Kel?" He looked in the cup.

"Nah. I got tea." He pushed the cup out. He didn't know how the pot worked. She poured him another cup.

The rest of the breakfast was mostly silent. Kel mostly stared off into space. He needed to actually wind down. Things were calm now, but he still didn't really process what happened with the gun and stuff. He just felt bad about everything. He shouldn't have left Basil alone last night. Nothing but regret, thinking about what he could have done different.

Kel stood up about halfway through them eating, moving the mug he was given to the sink, before going back up into the attic with his backpack. This was the only place he could actually feel relaxed. He laid down and closed his eyes once more, slowly falling asleep.

-

When Kel woke up, it was already the afternoon. He slowly sat up, seeing Basil also sleeping next to him. He glanced outside, quickly laying back down. He had that sinking feeling in his chest again. Why get up? There was nothing to do, really. Kel looked over at Basil again. He reached his hand out, gently holding his face, rubbing his cheek with his thumb. He was holding the plush Kel gave him.

"I gave you a bunny, but you're like my bunny." He moved his hand away, surprised Basil stayed asleep. He had to be tired after last night.

Kel looked up at the ceiling. He was feeling hopeless again. What was the point of any of this? What was the point of anything? He just wanted it to be over, but he knew there were consequences. What would happen to Basil? What would happen to Hero? What would happen to his parents? There was no way he could do it. He didn't even know how. Toaster in the bathtub? That probably wouldn't work. Seemed painful. And stupid. He didn't have the guts to stab or cut himself too deep. A car would make the driver partially responsible for it. He couldn't tie a noose.

He was panicking again, despite staying still and quiet. His heart kept racing. He needed to make these emotions stop.

Kel carefully opened up his backpack, trying to be as quiet as possible, grabbing the boxcutter. He pulled down his pants a bit and pulled up the hem of his boxers. He couldn't do this on his arms again. He moved the tip down, randomly in the middle of his thigh, sliding it. It burned. He did it again. Again. Again. Again. Quickly, blood started dripping down onto the wood. The warmth reminded him of his baths. He closed his eyes, repeating the motion a multitude of times, finally feeling the burning in his chest fade. In exchange for that burning, there was a new burning on the entire surface of his thigh.

Kel suddenly became aware of what he'd just done. He put down the boxcutter, moving his hand onto his leg, instinctively trying to stop the bleeding. He knew that it would stop on its own after awhile, and knew what to do from watching Basil, but he was paralyzed, physically and mentally.

"B-Basil..." Kel had never heard himself so quiet. He looked at his hand, coated in blood. Why did he do that? Why did he do that?

"Basil-" He didn't want to move and mess it up.  Kel looked around. He grabbed a small plushie of a cat and threw it at him, cringing as he hit him in the face.

"Huh? W-what..." Basil grabbed it, pulling it off of himself. He made eye contact with Kel, looking confused at his pants, then a look of shock, fear, and confusion as he saw his leg. Basil quickly crawled over, looking closer at it.

"Kel..." Kel felt a mix of shame and hatred towards himself he couldn't even describe. He didn't even have anything to say. Basil gently wrapped his arms around him.

"I... I know what it feels like. I do. But you have to know where this will lead. I don't know how it got to this..." Kel moved his hand up to his back.

"I don't, either."

Chapter Text

The cleanup process for Kel's leg was almost the same as for his arm, minus being upstairs, and over a towel instead of a sink. Basil kept trying to get him to say something about it, but Kel really had no explanation for it. Basil should understand it, considering what he was doing to himself.

"Kel... why can't you tell me about it? I-I don't know what caused you to do that so suddenly..." Kel shook his head again. He kept saying the same thing in different ways.

"Please... I know I hurt myself a lot, and it's really bad, but I've been doing it so long I don't know the reason anymore, other than to deal with things." Kel moved his knees up, burying his face in them. He couldn't look at him anymore without feeling extremely guilty for doing it to begin with.

"Did... did I do something? I..." Kel quickly reached out and took his hand.

"No! No- you didn't. Just... I don't know. I mean, I kind of know, but- I just started overthinking and it was like I wasn't in control of myself anymore. I know why I've been... odd lately. It's all because of what happened with Mari. None of that's your fault, Basil." Basil glanced at Kel, startled, before his face twisted into a mix of fear and anger, Basil turning to face the wall.

"Basil?" He shook his head.

"N-no... you're wrong. You don't know. No one knows. No one can know." Kel froze, unsure what to do. He didn't know what he was saying.

"Basil, none of us knew anything. Even Hero. It still hurts; what happened. A lot. But it can't be undone or changed. Even if we know why she did it, she isn't coming back." Basil shook his head once again.

"You don't- n-no one- stop-" Basil pulled his sleeve up, digging his nails into his wrist. Kel hurried over, pulling his hand away. Every movement of his leg burned. He didn't get how Basil could deal with this everyday. He was crying, as Kel expected, but didn't try to fight back from Kel preventing him from hurting himself further.

Kel didn't know what to do, watching Basil continue to panic. Everything had gotten so bad recently that he didn't know how to really comfort people anymore. A hug was all he really knew what to do. So he tried it. He felt a bit hurt that Basil pushed him away, but let him do it. At least like this, he wouldn't be able to hurt himself worse with Kel watching. The boxcutter was still on the floor, but he could stop him if he had to. He waited a couple minutes for Basil to calm down a bit before coming near him again, Kel deciding to rub his back.

"I'm sorry. Every time s-she comes up, I just... I freak out."

"If you don't want me to talk about it anymore, I won't." Basil gave a small nod. Kel turned as the ladder in the window clinked, the orange cat coming in through it. Kel had forgotten his name. Basil hurried over and picked him up, holding him to his chest.

"Every time I see a cat, it just reminds me of Sunny. I... just wish he would come back. I know it's hard for him, but it's hard for us, t-too..." Basil kissed the cats forehead before he pushed away, walking over to the blankets and laying down. Kel did the same, wincing as the cuts on his legs were pulled, petting him.

"I really don't know how to help. He never answers the phone, or the door, and when his mom has, she just says he doesn't feel well. I haven't seen any hint of his dad for awhile. I honestly think he left." Kel never really liked either of his parents. His mom was decent enough, but they didn't seem very close.

"M-maybe..." Basil seemed hesitant to talk about it. Kel knew his mother was gone, but he didn't know what was going on with his father. He'd never met him. His opinion of him was low, though, because he wasn't around at all for Basil despite how much he was struggling. His grandma was also declining health-wise. He decided to leave it alone. Basil didn't seem to want to talk about that, either.

"What should we do? All we really do is talk and nap together..." Basil shrugged.

"I guess we could watch a movie?" Kel didn't even really want to, but they needed to relax and it wasn't like he could sleep any more. Basil probably could, since he was up all night, but he didn't want to be alone.

"S-sure..."

-

Kel didn't like movies very much. He found them to be too long to focus on but too short to tell an effective story. Animated thing were different, though. He didn't get why. They ended up watching Toy Story, which just made Kel sad because his childhood was effectively over. He hadn't played with toys since Mari died. Games, yes, but he mostly just looked at what he had and realized his imagination for them was gone. He was missing some of the stuff he had, too. Probably left them at Sunny's. He did that a lot, because he'd always go back over.

Basil had fallen asleep on him around 5:30, and it was already around 6. The sun was setting. Kel was back to that odd state of feeling. He didn't really feel anything or want anything. He was starting to feel kind of sick, though. 60 hours since he ate anything substantial, and even that wasn't a lot. He felt kind of dizzy and had a headache. It wasn't a big deal. In the back of his mind, Kel was ready to let himself eat, but he'd already come this far and could possibly be below his goal of 155 pounds. He wished he didn't feel the need to do this.

Basil jumped up as the phone in the kitchen rang, which in turn scared Kel. Basil hurried over to it, which kind of confused him, but he thought about it. That was a good first step for Sunny to get used to people again.

"Hello? Oh... um... Kel's-" Basil glanced back at him. Kel rolled his hand in a circle, insinuating him to go on.

"Kel's not here. I think he's at the park. N-no, I don't know if he did. Mhm. Oh... okay. Bye." Basil hung it up.

"Who was it?" Kel had a good guess.

"Your m-mom. She sounds kind of mad." Kel groaned, laying back down on the couch. She definitely found out he skipped practice. His thigh was still messed up, but he'd gotten used to the pain.

"She ignores me for weeks, then I mess up one thing, and she's all over my ass." Kel didn't get why Basil immediately lied about him not being at his house. She knew they were together.

"I-I'm sorry." Kel looked away from him. He complained about her so much, and Basil didn't even have his mother anymore. At least he had one, even if she wasn't around and was pretty hotheaded.

"It's okay. We should probably figure out what we're gonna do tonight." He probably shouldn't, but Kel wanted to bring Basil back home. His mom might be mad about him skipping, but he was at the point where he wasn't bothered by her anger anymore. It upset him more than anything, but it was rare she held out on something she said. Work was too busy and she was too tired.

"I... don't really mind what we do." That already decided it.

"I guess we should go to my house. I don't know if Hero will be back or not, but my mom is. She'll probably go back out later. I don't even know what she's doing, but I barley see her, even on her days off." Kel should probably ask about that. Basil gave him a small nod, walking off to his grandma's room. Kel sat up, feeling that bit of familiar faintness when he stood. Being this far into a fast was probably making it worse. He was also dehydrated. He didn't grab his water bottle and only had those two cups of tea since last night. He’d be fine.

Basil had come back with a tote bag with some of his things in it. Kel grabbed his backpack and left with him.

Chapter Text

The walk between Kel's house and Basil's was becoming pretty familiar. Kel could probably do it with his eyes closed, if he tried. Cars were dangerous, though. He didn't want to traumatize Basil further if he got hit or something. The fall cold was really hitting early this year. Kel had sweatpants, a t shirt, and a hoodie jacket on but the wind blew through it pretty easily.

Walking up the street, Kel immediately noticed that his mom's car wasn't in the driveway. She had to be home, though, unless she left immediately. Kel doubted that. Hero must have taken it. He forgot he could drive often. He'd only been in the car with him as the driver once when they'd gone to the beach.

Kel had been squished into the door next to Basil, then Aubrey, then Sunny. That day was really great. It had a different context after Basil told him about the little fight him and Hero had, though. Kel didn't think about it much, but he was really frustrated that Hero could just forget Basil's self harm, especially with how young he was. He had no idea how he'd react to himself having done the same thing. Maybe he just shouldn't tell him. His image of him was already ruined enough.

Kel slowly opened up the door, peaking inside. He didn't see anything, but smelled some vegetables cooking. Dammit. Finally, his mom was cooking a fresh meal, and he couldn't even eat it. He should just go back to Basil's. He wouldn't have to eat there.

"Kel?" Perfect. He really didn't want to speak right now. He was now so used to her being gone that just the idea of talking to her hurt his feelings. Kel went in, smiling as Hector came over to him and jumped up on him. He didn't feed him again. This had to be the third or fourth time he'd forgotten in the last month. Today was a different situation, though. He got him off then took off his shoes, heading over to the kitchen, Basil following pretty closely behind him. It had been a solid two weeks since she'd seen him. Based on the bags on the counter, she went to the store. It was a bit odd seeing his mom in something other than work clothes, and especially not actual pajamas. Looked comfy. She was probably pissed at him, but Kel was just happy to have her home for once.

"So, you skipped practice today. One day isn't that bad, but you can't do that again or there'll be consequences. Your coach told me that specifically." She tapped off the spoon onto the pan she was cooking in. It didn't seem too complicated; just some bell peppers and onions with some chicken off to the side. Fairly healthy. Kel still wasn't eating it. She turned, glancing at Basil first, then up at him. She was staring.

"What?" She turned back to the stove.

"You've lost some weight. You're still doing your diet thing?" Kel rolled his eyes. It didn't feel like praise.

"Yeah, I'm still far off from what I want but it's going." 30 more pounds. That'd take at least another couple months. He quickly zipped up the jacket, trying to hide his stomach. It was pretty snug, only being a medium, but was puffy enough to hide him a bit. He couldn't really zip it on Friday. Fasting was working.

"Is he staying over?" She didn't even talk to Basil. Kel hated her hypocrisy about respect so much.

"I was... h-hoping to." He had to.

"I guess he hasn't been overnight here for a bit, but you didn't do what you were supposed to today." In other words, no.

"You can talk to him directly, by the way. Basil's a person." She kind of gave Kel an annoyed look, but didn't say anything, adding the chicken into the pan. He turned to Basil, pulling him around the corner into the dining room.

"What should we do? I can't... be alone again." Kel quickly hugged Basil.

"I don't know. I guess I just have to try to change her mind. If it doesn't work I'll try to sneak out later." Kel didn't want to leave him for a second. He didn't want him to leave him for a second.

Kel stepped back in, but wasn't sure what to say. He'd been unable to read his mom's emotions for most of his life, but since Mari died, it had gotten more difficult. He couldn't tell when she was angry or sad, apologetic or unwavering, happy or uncaring. She was even more strict on him, when she was around, at least. He hardly knew her anymore. He stood for a bit longer, realizing she hadn't noticed him yet.

"Hey... Mom? I know why you don't want him over, but... it's kind of important that he is tonight." She turned her head enough to see him, but stayed focus on flipping the chicken in the pan.

"It's just... the anniversary is this Tuesday." Her head quickly turned away again.

"It's been a whole year already? I forgot..." Of course you did.

"But... yeah. I don't want him to be alone." Even with the circumstances she didn't know about, it would be difficult for them both. He'd be really upset if she still refused. She knew Basil was the one that found her with Sunny. She sighed, leaning forwards on the stove.

"I guess it's okay. He needs to sleep downstairs, or on the floor in the room, though." She was like that with Hero and Mari, too, even though they usually ended up in the same spot. It wasn't as serious as with Sunny's dad when they got caught, though. He was really judgmental of Hero's intentions, which was odd, considering his personality.

"Okay. He will. Thank you." Kel already knew they'd probably end up cuddling. It wasn't even particularly romantic or affectionate anymore. They just needed each other. Kel turned to head out, but was stopped by his mom grabbing his sleeve. Did she know he cut himself? Was the bandage visible? It didn't seem that much.

"Hold on. We have plans for tomorrow. You need to go get a suit fit for homecoming. Hero needs one in general, too. A haircut as well. You look like a hippie." Kel wasn't planning on going. Basil was pretty anxious in crowds, and it wasn't like they could dance or hold hands or anything in public.

"Mom, you were basically a hippie. And I'm not cutting my hair." Kel didn't really get why he didn't want to, but he just didn't. It helped him hide a bit more, but that was it.

"Eh, I just liked the music."

"And the weed."

"Kel-" He chuckled. She went back to the pan, pulling out some seasonings from the cabinet.

"Did either of you have dinner yet? I know you're watching what you're eating, but you shouldn't starve yourself." Kel smiled nervously. That's exactly what he was doing.

"Um... Basil didn't. I got a snack at Othermart earlier." What was a healthy snack? Most of what Kel liked as a snack was garbage. Chips, candy, and soda, mainly. Celery or something? He didn't like vegetables that way. Maybe just chips? She'd comment on that. He thought back to the last binge. Peanut butter, but with an apple instead. There. A planned lie was better than the truth in this case.

"Alright. If either of you want some once I'm done, go ahead. It's just chicken and some veggies." Kel didn't really dislike what she made, but he wasn't particularly interested in it either. It was still making his stomach growl, though. Annoying. He gave a little nod, going back to Basil.

"I don't really eat meat anymore if I can help it." Kel pat his head.

"We can find something else if you want. You still need to gain a bit more weight." They should probably check that he did. Kel was curious, but would let Basil keep it to himself. He just didn't want him to keep getting dizzy and sleepy all the time. It had gotten a bit better, but a lot of his bones were still visible.

"I'm not gonna eat if y-you don't." Kel frowned, groaning.

"But..." He was fat still.

"Please." Kel moved his hand off him.

"I... I can't." Selfish asshole.

"O-okay."

Kel didn't deserve him at all.

Chapter Text

Kel sighed. He felt so bad already. Him and Basil had gone into the living room and sat on the couch, turning on the tv to whatever. He didn't pay any attention to it. He'd use it as background noise when the house was empty. The cooking channels or an animal documentary were usually what he picked, but Basil was on a cartoon channel playing Scooby Doo, switching to random stuff when it went to commercial. He didn't mind it. After Mari was gone, and they stopped having their Saturday mornings together, he didn't want to watch them anymore. It just reminded him what wasn't around.

Basil nudged Kel's feet with his own. He ignored it, but he did it again. Kel did it back.

"What?" It sounded a little more harsh than he meant.

"I'm bored..." Kel was, too, but he didn't want to do anything. He just wanted to sleep forever.

"I dunno what to do." It was already dark out and his mom had gone upstairs. He had no idea where Hero or his dad were.

"I'm gonna raid your fridge." Basil got up, making Kel snort from his language. He stared off at the tv. He didn't care about this. He didn't really care about anything. The way Basil made him laugh just now had been the best part of his day.

Basil came back after a minute or so with a fudgesicle; an alright choice in Kel's opinion. Like a lot of his tastes, though, he preferred the worse options for calories; in the case of ice cream, he'd go for something like fudge or anything with peanut butter. Orange sherbet was better, but that wasn't really ice cream in his eyes. He also only liked actual scooped ice cream. He was glad to not be eating and being so picky. Even before he had problems with both overeating and undereating, he'd had really specific food habits, like only wanting the white part of lettuce and refusing to eat tortillas with any form of ground meat. There were others, but those memories stuck out, along with his fork thing. He didn't get it.

The time passed in the same manner. Just silently together, other than the tv, switching between channels. Kel eventually put his head on the arm rest and closed his eyes. He wasn't tired enough to sleep yet, but he wanted the time to pass faster. Being without food was making him kind of flighty, hearing his mom walk around upstairs. He wasn't really anxious, and was fine where he was, but he felt like he should be doing more.

"I don't know how Hero's b-been." Kel closed his eyes again, settling back down.

"I don't either. He's just super busy with trying to be ready for college. I still can't believe he's going so soon. Stressed beyond belief is all I can assume." Kel wouldn't be able to do anything close to what he was dealing with. 9 regular classes, college prep classes, helping with one of the math clubs, and an internship all at the same time. He really should check on him. The pressure of what Mari was doing with the recital, softball, and her knee injury probably drove her to do it.

"I should talk to him, p-probably... but I'm still kind of mad. I shouldn't be. I hurt him too." Kel didn't get why he kept blaming himself. He did that too, though, but he didn't really spend time with or talk with Hero much as a kid other than about cooking in relation to plants, books, and academic stuff.

"I'm the one who needs to talk to him. He's my brother. I need to step up and take care of him, even if he's older." Kel was only older than Basil by about 3 months, but always felt he had to take care of him because of that. He felt bad about dumping stuff on him. He should be listening to him more. Basil gave a slight nod, staying quiet.

Kel started drifting off to sleep again, with a headache making it rough. The cuts on his legs and the one his arm were getting itchy but still hurt, along with being annoyed from his pants and the collar of his jacket. He wanted to take it off, but either his mom or Hero would see the bandages. He was stupid to do that. He was stupid to do it the first time.

Kel pulled up his right sleeve, taking off the sweatband he'd been covering his wrist with. The wound had fully healed awhile ago, but the scar was still pretty visible, especially on the inside of his wrist. He'd probably be able to cover it with a well placed hair band now, but he wanted to keep the band since Basil gave it to him. He'd probably notice he didn't have it anymore, and didn't want to upset him. He put it back on, staring at the tv. Bright... he was also suddenly aware of the sound of the fridge, the bright light from the kitchen, and Hector drinking some water really loudly behind him.

"Mmmmg..." Kel moved to pull the hood over his head, but pulled out the hair tie first, letting his hair down, tucking the leaf pin in his jacket as well. It was bothering him a lot, but his hair in his face made it hard to see, so he had to keep it up. He still wanted the pants off. Being in his underwear around Basil was still too weird for him, even if they were like shorts. There might be some blood,or the bandages would be visible underneath, or they'd ride up and show it. He wanted to be in the stillness of water. Probably shouldn't get anything wet. Shit, he didn't even think about how he'd be able to clean himself now. Kel was now aware of his own breathing and even that was annoying him. He moved his hands over his ears. He'd been dealing with this a lot lately, which was preventing him from wearing the bodysuit Basil got him, as much as he wanted to. Everything tight, scratchy, or pulling just made him extremely uncomfortable.

Basil poked him, Kel moving and slapping his hand before thinking about it.

"A-are you alright, Kel?" He huffed.

"Everything is annoying me right now. Yay, ADHD. Thank you for the sensory overload." He needed to focus on something else, but there wasn't anything for him to do. Kel was feeling the urge to bite his hand again. Hadn't done that in awhile. He was getting all the anxiety and sensory issues out lately by running around and focusing on calories. He hadn't done his walking today. It was already late. He couldn't do that unless he snuck out, and he wasn't doing that with Basil around.

For now, he needed to do something. Kel got up, walking over to the kitchen. He turned on the sink, letting the water run cold on his hands. The warm water felt better, but this helped him get out of the overstimulation faster. He drank a bit with his hands, splashing his face a little. He turned to the fridge. There was that conflict in him again. If he was anyone else, he'd be worried about how long he'd gone without eating, but when he thought about himself, he could push it off until later. Of course, Kel still didn't want to eat in order to lose weight, but with how stressed he was, he had lost the desire to. Maybe there was something he could drink that was low enough to burn off easy. He opened it.

As he expected, most of what his mom bought was, in fact, garbage. Soda, a pie, and some cheese she liked to eat with crackers was about it. She only got the stuff for the one meal she just cooked, now covered in foil and in there, with everything else was in the cabinets, probably of the same caliber. Why would she care? She could go out wherever she wanted for food. Not like she had a 14 year old boy at home who told her he had an eating disorder related to overeating junk food. Ohhh wait, with how much she used to complain about how she needed to lose weight, it didn't matter. It wasn't serious. It was great he was losing weight to her, something she never could do seriously, so it wasn't the preferred disorder and could be ignored. Because no one wanted a dumb fat idiot like him. He always had to be better and do more without an role model of what that actually was.

Kel closed the fridge. He shouldn't even drink anymore water. What if she noticed he looked bloated? Hell no. As he walked out the kitchen, the front door opened. Seeing Hero was starting to feel odd to him. Kel hadn't actually looked at him in awhile. He couldn't really see a difference in his weight, but he was wearing a somewhat puffy jacket, so he couldn't tell. Why was he comparing it again? He hated the idea of someone staring at him and he was constantly doing it to everyone else. Kel lowered his head and went back to the couch, glad his hair was mostly covering his eyes.

"Hello!" Kel waved his hand up, which Hero misinterpreted as a sign to come over. That was the opposite of what he wanted. He just wanted to be quiet, in the dark, with Basil near him and for nothing bad to happen anymore.

"Oh, hey Basil. I didn't know you were here. How's it going?" Basil anxiously glanced down, but Kel looked up at him. Without the jacket, in one of the long sleeved t shirts he wore a lot, Kel could see he'd lost some weight, mostly in his face and arms. All he noticed on himself was his upper arms and stomach. Even he was doing better than him. It wasn't likely, but maybe he had an eating disorder too. Kel quickly shut it down. No. He wouldn't. Hero knew about nutrition and stuff. He was perfect in the sense that he could find the right balance, too.

"Okay, I-I guess." Kel kind of glanced at him. He didn't want him to tell the truth, out of the chance he'd be taken away for a bit, but the fact he'd almost killed himself this morning and just wrote it off completely kind of bothered him. Kel had so many gripes with other people. It'd be better off if he wasn't around. Hero waited to see if he'd say more, but Basil didn't, so he just gave him a pat on the head, walking in front of Kel. He looked down.

"How are you doing, Kel?" Kel shrugged. Hero gave him a similar pat on the head.

"Alrighty then..." He sounded pretty defeated. Kel probably came off as rude or angry. He was, but it was mostly from the sensory stuff. And himself. Before he'd could think of what to say, he left to go in the kitchen. Kel looked up at the ceiling. He was in a bad mood, but wasn't really feeling or thinking anything anymore. Probably didn't have enough fuel for thought anymore.

Hero came back out of the kitchen with a piece of the pie. It was lemon meringue.

"It looks like we have pie if you want some." Kel curled up in the corner of the couch. It was directed towards Basil, but he felt like Hero knew he hadn't been eating. Kel couldn't see, but heard him head up the stairs. Gone.

What if I told him? Would he be mad at me? I can't do that. If I do, I won't be able to do what I want to anymore.

Kel ignored it.

Chapter Text

After enough time had passed, Kel had mostly forgotten where he was. He'd gone to a daydream of him and Basil eating watermelon together by the pond happily, just talking about their future plans, in a place where they were both happy and healthy. Kel was starting to realize he didn't want to do this, but he just had to for some reason. He couldn't figure it out. He should worry about Basil in reality.

Kel sat up, looking over at him. He was mostly just staring off into space at the tv, but his hand was up his left sleeve, messing with the bandages he'd put over the cut there. That scar would always be there, and in such a visible place, too. Would he just hide it forever? Kel saw his hand move a bit, seeing his eyebrows furrow a little as his other arm shook a bit. He was digging his nails into the wound.

"Hey-" That's not what he's supposed to say. What else was he supposed to? Basil looked up, pulling his hand out quickly.

"S-sorry... itchy." Did... he just lie to him? He pretty clearly wasn't itching it. Kel decided to let it go. He'd just watch him better from now on.

"Do we need to change them soon?" Kel never really had to take care of an injury on himself worse than the initial self harm to his wrist, which he just rinsed with clean water every day. The cuts he made weren't deep at all, but they were over a large area and many in numbers.

"I usually don't leave anything on long enough to change it. P-probably by tomorrow, though. If it gets too dry, it hurts to take off." Kel touched the bandages on his thigh. It was mostly a patch job covering the larger ones, anyways. Kel hadn't heard anything from Hero or his mom for awhile. He looked at his watch. It was already about 8 pm. It had been so long since they'd been home at this time that Kel couldn't even predict what they'd do.

Either way, he crawled over across the couch, hesitating for a second, before laying on Basil, putting his arms around his waist. He didn't want to crush him or anything, so he mostly laid on his legs, his head on his stomach. The hoodie he gave him had his own smell now, which was a pleasant mix of strawberries, watermelon, and fresh laundry. Basil hugged his head loosely to avoid suffocating him in the fabric.

This was the only way Kel truly felt comfortable. He didn't trust anyone else, including Hero. Maybe for responsible stuff, like finding out about events or calling people, but he couldn't trust him with his feelings anymore. It was the same with his parents. He'd make him get better. He wanted to stop being weak and vulnerable and stop feeling the need to act and hide all the time, but the truth would ruin everything. He hugged Basil a little tighter.

"What's this all of a sudden, hm?" Kel looked up at him, Basil smiling at him, tucking a bit of his hair behind his ear. Kel didn't like his ears showing anymore, but the action said "I want to see you", so he let him.

"Basil... is there any hope for us?" Basil sighed, his smile dropping.

"I can't really say. I... I want to believe that there is, but... things just... stay. A miracle isn't going to happen, and I know that, but... I just want to wait and see. I don't know how much longer I can do that, t-though. I don't have the strength or the energy or the will to actually change things, and I don't know if I ever will. I... I don't know if I ever would have left my house again if you didn't come over last month."

That told Kel what Basil thought, but it didn't really reassure him in any way. Kel wasn't sure of anything either. Would he be fine with the weight he got to? Would he give up before then? Or would he end up worse? He kind of wanted to be worse. Maybe someone else would care. His parents definitely didn't. His so-called friends at school didn't. His teammates, teachers, and coaches didn't.

Other than his supposed talent for sports, Kel had no idea what others liked him for or kept him around for. He used to be good at keeping up the act and being cheerful, making people laugh, but he was having a harder time doing it. Putting the effort into the smaller interactions of waving at Jay in the hallway or talking to Cris before his intense exercise punishments at school wasn't worth it anymore. They'd either get close and be worried, or they'd be disgusted by him and hate him. Or worse, forget. He was doing that by himself already. Everyone leaves him.

Sunny might still be in town, but he'd given up on him. Aubrey hated him. His parents didn't even bother thinking about him. Hero was leaving for college soon. His new middle school friends left him. Mari left him. Basil would leave him, too.

"Why do you even love me?" Kel squeezed his eyes shut, burrowing his face into his hoodie, gripping the fabric in the back. He sounded pathetic. He was pathetic. If he let go, he'd leave too. Kel felt Basil pet the side of his head, making him loosen his grip on him.

"I can't put something like that into words. I don't like you because of any traits you have, or lack, or anything about t-that. Obviously, I find the good traits as a bonus, b-but you could be completely different, and I'd still love you. Why do you love me, despite my issues? It's hard to figure out those things, r-right?" Kel had so many reasons.

Basil was infinitely kind, first and foremost. Even with his recklessness and wildness as a kid, he'd never truly gotten mad or yelled at him. He was really talented. Maybe he did take silly pictures of his friends for the most part, but he was good with a camera. He was smart. He knew so much about plants and animals and people, so much that Kel couldn't come close to keeping up with.

And, while Kel was never invested in peoples physical appearances, he was extremely cute. His eyes were sweet and bright, he had very soft and fluffy blonde hair, and some very slightly visible freckles on his face, a sweet smile…

Kel was envious of the way his body looked, but he didn't care about that at all in terms of how he was attracted to him. He just wanted to hug and kiss him and make him happy, and have Basil do the same back. Kel never had sexual feelings towards anyone, including him. Now thinking about that, that was kind of weird for someone his age. He was weird with a lot of things, though. Most people didn't want to kick a hole in the wall over touching a smelly kitchen sponge for 5 seconds, but he did. Most people weren't so obsessed over calories and numbers and exercise, but he was.

"Kel?" Kel was smiling now. He was so happy with him. He just deeply wished the circumstances were different for why they ended up together. Maybe in a different universe this would have happened anyways.

"I love you." Basil put his hand on his back.

"I... I love you too, Kel."

Chapter Text

Kel had eventually begun drifting to sleep on top of Basil when he heard a door open then close upstairs. He pushed himself up, looking up at Basil. He'd actually fallen asleep. He looked quite peaceful, for once. He'd have nightmares sometimes, but rarely told Kel what they were about. He very slowly moved off of him, deciding to turn off the tv. He didn't want to leave Basil, wake him up, or deal with Hero, but he wanted to go to his bed. Speaking of which, he could hear them talking upstairs. It wasn't really clear enough down here for him to make out what they were saying. He tried to listen closer.

"...I'm doing the best I can." Kel looked down in guilt. She was probably getting on his ass about school yet again. It didn't make sense how he completely ignored him but constantly got in Hero's business.

"I'm just saying, he seems kind of depressed."

Oh. She did notice.

That made Kel feel worse than if she didn't.

"I don't know what you want me to do for him that I already am. It's not like I have any time to talk with him anymore. You need to take care of it."

Don't.

"I'm busy too. I work 6 days a week, almost 15 hours a day, just so we can send you to university without taking out loans. I barely even have time to sleep. I only got out early today because a pipe broke at the office."

"And I do the same stuff for school. I'm still 17, and we both know Dad isn't going to do it cause he doesn’t deal with ‘emotional problems’. He probably still doesn't even know what was going on with him." Kel couldn't handle serious conversations with his dad, and neither could he. He sometimes vented about his job, and asked Kel how he was, but it got pushed off pretty quick. He couldn't be honest with how he was feeling to him. Telling him about something so shameful as binge eating or as serious as his anorexia wasn't something he could do.

"I've been meaning to tell him. Look- just... unless something happens, just do what you've been doing, I guess. He's tough." Lately, no.

"Okay. Whatever. I knew nothing would come out of this anyway." It went quiet for a second, before he heard the doors open and close in the same way again, with the second close being closer to a slam. Kel let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. That was pretty typical for a conversation with her. He glanced over at Basil. He was awake, but just looking up at the ceiling.

"What happened?" Kel shook his head.

"I don't know. I don't really care, either." He didn't know what to do about this. Should he do anything? Kel wasn't ready to get better. He wanted the depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm, and anxiety to go away, but he didn't want to deal with his eating issues. If the others improved, he might go back to binge eating, which terrified him.

"O-okay." Basil moved to sit on the couch, facing forward. Kel was doing the same. What even was there to do? Sleepovers before seemed to fly by, but everything he used to do when Sunny and Aubrey were over too wasn't possible or would be weird for just them both. A pillow fight? He'd just feel bad about hitting Basil, even if it didn't hurt him. He was probably the same. Toys? Boring. Games? Hero was upstairs. Comics? Compared to his life, they were just too silly. He didn't know what was normal for this.

Basil scooted a bit closer. Kel smiled, finally feeling his leg touch his. He glanced at him before moving his arm around him, leaning into the couch and side hugging until he was against himself. Basil got comfortable against him. A lot of things in his life sucked, but this was something he really liked. For awhile, Kel was really apprehensive about Basil touching him or feeling him, even just through simple actions like a shoulder tap, but he was more or less fine with whatever now.

The two stayed silent. Kel was a bit anxious again about what tomorrow would be like, but Basil snuggling with him prevented it from escalating. He'd have to get his mom to let him come with for the suit thing, but he was safe for now. He moved to pet his hair softly, looking down at his closed eyelids on his chest. He had no idea why someone so kind and gentle deserved the pain he was in. Basil was anxious and a little bit of a pushover when he was younger, but he never did anything wrong. The stuff with his parents, especially with his mom dying, must have started his self harm in some way, because it started before Mari died. Mari's death must of really, really hurt him for it to get as bad as it was, even compared to how it affected Kel. He'd almost killed himself twice now. There were probably other times Kel didn't know about, too. He really wanted to help him, but he didn't know how to without exposing his own issues or possibly making things worse.

Kel looked down at him again, making eye contact.

"Your heart started racing." Kel was just glad he was alive.

"Sorry. I started overthinking." Basil closed his eyes again, burrowing his head into his jacket a bit more.

"It's okay." Kel moved his hand to his back.

"Do you want to go to homecoming with me?" Basil quickly shot up.

"Yes! I m-mean... of course." He was blushing. Cute. Kel just wanted to squish his face and kiss him over and over and make him laugh. He could do that. Now he was blushing.

"My mom is taking me and Hero to get suits tomorrow. I'm sure you need one too, if you want to go." Basil nodded.

"Most of my clothes are too big now, and all I have are dress shirts, so y-yeah. Aren't they expensive, though?" Absolutely.

"For it to be fitted, a bit. But we can figure it out." Basil kicked his legs, gripping Kel's jacket.

"Ahh, I've never worn a suit! I hope it looks good on me." Kel hadn't had a fitted one before, so he had the same worry. He would probably look all boxy and wide in one. He didn't care when he was younger, obviously, and had a cheap one that was vaguely his size instead, so of course it was boxy.

"You will, don't worry. You'd look good in whatever you'd wear." Kel hadn't seen him in anything but the hoodie since he gave it to him. At first it was cute, but he didn't get why it was the only thing he wore. He had to have washed it, since it smelled like detergent, but it wasn't really something that suited him color-wise. It was comfortable enough for the few seconds Kel wore it, despite it clinging to him in a couple spots. He felt a bit of disgust remembering that.

"You would, too." Kel stiffened up. He appreciated the sentiment, but it just made him think about how bad he could look, which mattered to him more than actually seeing what it would look like.

He was scared for tomorrow, like every other day.

Chapter Text

Kel, once again, fell asleep. It wasn't deep enough for him to have a consistent dream, and he wasn't very comfortable on the couch with Basil laying on him, but he woke up once it was bright enough out. He looked at Basil asleep on him for a few minutes before finally checking his watch. 6:30. He didn't even hear his dad come in, but it was about now when he came down to get ready for work.

Kel looked back down at Basil.

He definitely saw them like this.

Kel didn't even think about coming out to him. He knew he'd probably accept him, but he didn't want him to find out and possibly think less of him. He knew it didn't really change anything about him, but he liked his dad seeing him as a man. Liking boys was generally considered to make someone a sissy. It was a vulnerability he didn't want to let him down with. He didn't like being seen as weak around anyone, really, but especially not around him. That made talking about his eating disorder even harder, because he knew it was generally considered to be a "female issue". The book Hero had really implied it.

Kel put his head back where it was. He brought up his watch again, seeing 6:31, switching it to the timer. 72 hours and 16 minutes. He felt okay for now. He wanted to weigh himself and write in his notebook about it, but with Basil on him like this, he couldn't. He closed his eyes again.

After awhile, Kel heard his dad cough, which meant he was up. He went to fake sleeping, hearing him use the bathroom before he came down the stairs. He didn't want to deal with this right now. But of course, he heard Basil inhale sharply and lift his head, stretching out his arms on his sides.

"Basil? Is that you?" Craaaaap... he was whispering, at least.

"U-um... I... yeah." He sounded defeated. Basil and his dad hadn't seen each other since they built the treehouse together.

"Huh. I thought you were just some girl on him. Not my business." He walked into the kitchen. Kel didn't know what he expected, but it wasn't that. He was probably making coffee. Kel felt Basil poke his face once, Kel ignoring it. He did it again, making him open his eyes. Seeing him looking up at him in the small bit of morning light quickly got rid of a lot of the anxiety he felt.

"S-sorry... but I think I just messed up big time."

"My dad saw us being gay?" Basil brought his head down.

"Y-Yeah..." Kel smiled and put his hands on his face, giving him a small peck on the lips. He smelled coffee.

"Well, I don't care." Basil smiled up at him. Kel gently held his head in his arms, Basil hugging him back, just trying to enjoy him being here. He didn't even know how to explain it to his dad. He wasn't sure what his identity actually was. Basil was the only real crush he'd had in his life, and the way things progressed was very sudden and not typical at all, even for straight couples. There were things he liked about Basil, obviously, but until he initially held his hand at the park, he had he never considered him as someone he'd be interested in like that.

Kel completely accepted Basil as being a male in his identity, but was unsure if he was attracted to him because of that or not. He was a bit effeminate, which confused Kel more, because did that make him bisexual? His body was more boyish, though, and even before he lost a lot of weight, he didn't have a chest at all. He definitely didn't want to progress sexually with him at all either, so he didn't care or really want to know what he had down there, but he was still born female. Kel didn't think that made him straight, because he still saw Basil as a boy, but it muddied how he thought about it. Screw it. He's Basilsexual. He'd only known of three options and had no idea where to figure out more. No way he was searching that up on a school computer.

He looked up as his dad came back in the room with a mug. There wasn't really anywhere for him to sit with them both on the couch, with them taking two of the cushions together, and Basil's legs overlapping onto the third.

"It's alright. I can go back in the kitchen." He looked a little flustered and confused, but not angry or upset. Kel didn't think he reasonably would, but still had his doubts. He probably wouldn't comment on his appearance. All he really ever pointed out was him getting taller and his hair.

"You don't have to. C'mon, Basil." He whined into his chest.

"But you're so comfortable..." Kel rolled his eyes, moving his hands under his arms, moving and sitting him on the middle cushion. So light... he looked a bit grumpy about it, his dad apprehensively sitting on the couch.

"How are you two?" Kel quickly froze up, Basil following suit, nervously rubbing his forearm.

"C-could be better, haha..." Now it was Kel's turn.

"Okay, I guess. School sucks, but it's fine enough." Kel didn't care about any of his classes, really. He liked his design teacher, but having his gym and weights class just encouraged him to destroy himself more. Everything else was really boring.

"Yeah. Work's been pretty stressful. People keep leaving, and I've been picking up their slack, then get attacked for not doing it right. I wish I could just drop the office shtick and move to freelance." It would definitely give him more time at home, but Kel was already so far gone, he didn't want that anymore. Being alone was familiar to him now and he had a schedule. Trying to work out his exercising and faking dinner with him around wasn't something he wanted to do at all.

"I dunno. It's up to you." He took a big swig of the coffee.

"Having the extra money is good." Kel really wished that would stop being the excuse they gave. There was a point where work became an excuse for isolation and they'd both been there for months. Kel gave a silent nod. He could barely see with his hair like this, but he wanted to keep it down for now. The small amount of sunlight coming in was giving him a headache. He was thirsty but didn't want to bother getting up.

"So... I'm not trying to pry, but... are you two... -together? I'm not trying to be nosy, I'm just curious." Kel felt really embarrassed about it.

"Yes. Is there an issue?" He was getting mad for no reason. He asked it in the best way he'd imagined it going.

"No, not at all. I just don't know a lot about that stuff or what's going on with you anymore." Kel's anger quickly gave way to guilt. It was his fault for not saying anything. Yet, he still wanted to be mad at everyone for leaving and ignoring him.

"Me either." Kel looked away at the tv. He was so unfamiliar with conflict like this with his family that he had no idea how to go about it. He was used to his mom getting defensive basically any time they talked.

"How's basketball? Do you have any games coming up?" Kel grumbled. They'd already had two where he didn't do anything. He was useless. Stupid, fat, and useless.

"There's the homecoming one next Saturday before the dance, but they'll probably just bench me again. The other players are in better shape- I mean, the older ones are in better shape. A-and they get priority for college stuff..." He almost slipped there. Kel knew there was one guy that was actually fatter than him, but he still felt so huge in comparison even though he wasn't. Almost everyone else on the team was thinner than him. The only real advantage he had was speed and his height, which weren't really enough to justify him playing. He should just quit. His grades would probably force him to do so soon anyway. He barely thought about school anymore.

"Yeah. Well, I'm gonna get out of your hair. Have a good day, you two." Well, Kel screwed that up. He brought up his knees, hiding his face in them. There was a point not long ago he couldn't even do this because of his stomach getting in the way, but he still felt huge. He'd only lost about 20 pounds. He still had more than 30 to go. He knew it would only get harder. This time was different from when he'd tried before. He wasn't giving up.

When Kel brought his head up, his dad had already went into the kitchen again. It just made him feel worse. How much longer until he'd see him again? He was off tomorrow, but that didn't guarantee he'd see him. He usually went out fishing or fixed things around the house, even if it wasn't the right season for it. When he didn’t do that, Kel was at school, practice, or Basil’s house. It would be more than a week, most likely. He put it down again. The hunger was coming back as a simple burning in his throat, too. Today would probably be the end of it. His mom would likely take them out to lunch and Hero would be around, at least for the afternoon. It depended on the timing, but he'd pretty likely get away long enough to purge it. He didn't want to.

Kel hadn't been doing this long at all, but already felt fragile. It reminded him of the couple days in elementary school when he'd gotten overwhelmed and sick and had to be picked up, riddled with anxiety. It was uncommon for him, but he'd usually make his teacher mad in some way and feel really bad to the point it made him physically ill. He'd be treated by his mom like he actually was cared for. Even if he was sick and throwing up, he'd feel comfortable and warm in bed or on the couch. He remembered the gentle touch of the back of her hand to his forehead, checking his temperature, before gently running her hand through his hair, slowly falling asleep. When was the last time he felt love like that?

Maybe she'd care about him if he ended up in the hospital.

Kel shuddered at the wind from the front door, lifting his head up again as his dad left. Alone. He was alone. No, he wasn't, but he felt that way. No one understood how he felt. Basil was close, but their experiences were different, even if it wasn't very strong. Losing Mari, losing his close friends, losing his caretaker (caretakers in Kel's case), losing his sanity- both of them had a similar experience, and it was just pain over and over again.

Kel looked over at him, now nestled in the other corner of the couch, staring off into nothing with an unsure expression. He hadn't really talked to him about how he felt since yesterday.

"Basil." Kel was just trying to get his attention but came off more flat than he wanted. Basil jumped up even though Kel wasn't too loud.

"Y-yeah?"

"How are you doing?" Basil's mouth turned into an unsure frown.

"I don't know." Kel raised an eyebrow.

"Come on... I can tell you're upset." Basil hung his head.

"Y-you're dad said that when he came in that he thought I was a girl." Kel heard that. He wasn't really sure what to say.

"He probably didn't mean to compare you to one. He knows you, he probably just didn't see you all the way. It's not really common to cuddle with someone like that platonically at our age. He doesn't know I'm not straight; well, didn't know, so he just assumed." Basil sat up more, still with his head down.

"I know. I just... it made me think about when I was younger. Before I moved here, even. M-my... my parents never listened to me. It's not like I know any other transgender people, b-but... I don't think it's common to know that young, but I did, and... they didn't listen to me. I don't blame them. Their child was already a freak. God..." Basil gripped his hair. Kel hurried over, trying to pull his hands away. It wasn't as dangerous as cutting, but he didn't want him to rip his hair out.

"It's all my fault..."

Chapter Text

There's always a way out, Basil.

He looked down. He didn't get why she was doing this.

Just remember that, and what I'm going to show you.

Basil remembered the rope in her hands, passing it to him, repeating it, then nothing. For a long time, he'd forgotten.

Then, a few years later, his grandma got a call. She had been found by a neighbor after only a couple hours. He didn't even react, sitting on the couch as he heard her crying hysterically. After hearing it long enough, he finally went over to hug her, finding himself crying too and not understanding why quite yet.

-

"We can't deal with her anymore. I can't deal with her anymore." His mom had said, ignoring him after he'd broken yet another girly toy he hated. He begged, said he'd do whatever he had to for her to forgive him, to not leave him, but it fell upon deaf ears. A bit more talking, then a door slammed shut, leaving him alone.

It's your fault.

-

Looking down into a coffin was a jarring experience, but even more so for Basil when he didn't recognize her face. He knew that was his mom, but he didn't feel anything. She left him again.

She left you for a reason.

-

Basil was so excited! The rehearsal was finally here. Aubrey and Kel were still out, and Hero was helping set everything up, so he wanted to see if Sunny and Mari needed anything. He opened the door, freezing at the sound of yelling. A second of silence. Then a couple seconds of a sickening crunch. He looked around the corner. This wasn't real, was it? He was just remembering his parents arguments about him, and with all the stress Sunny was telling him about, he'd projected it onto them. He'd wake up soon.

"Sunny! What did you do that for? You're better than this!" Sunny stepped forwards. Mari stepped to the side.

"Hey! I'm not done talking to you!"

Basil didn't even see Sunny move. She was already at the bottom when he came back to reality.

-

The rope was in his hands again.

-

Flowers.

-

Loneliness. Coldness. Tiredness. Darkness.

-

"It's all my fault..." All Basil felt was the rope in his hands. He felt something pull at his arm. He didn't care what it did. It was starting to get really annoying, though. He looked over. Why wouldn't this thing just leave him alone already? Why wouldn't it stop tormenting him? Why did it kill Mari and his mom? He looked over. It backed up a little before some of the other darkness creeped back to his forearm, teeth forming and biting him. It hurt a bit. He couldn't pull his arm away, and already knew pushing it off would be useless. He didn't know where he was. He was sitting on something soft. Probably his bed.

A sudden jolt on his shoulders slowly brought Basil to Kel's living room. He looked around, trying to remember what happened, finally looking in front of him. Kel was in front of him, looking very scared, his hands on Basil's shoulder. They were both talking, then he was suddenly in that, right?

"Basil? Can you hear me?" He nodded. His body felt really heavy and some of the darkness was still around the edge of his vision, dyeing the living room black. Kel hugged him, Basil slowly doing it back. He was really disoriented. Was he dreaming still? Kel pulled away after a few seconds, grabbing his arm and pulling back his sleeve. It wasn't a lot, but the bandage unstuck and the cut had opened up. Kel hurried away, Basil staring off at the darkness of the tv. He knew he was dissociating, but didn't really care about stopping it. He blinked a few times, everything slowly coming back into focus. He looked up as Kel came back, putting a paper towel on his forearm so the blood wouldn't drip. He must of pulled it somehow.

"What happened?" Kel looked unsure of himself, moving to sit on the floor in front of him. Basil held it instead of him.

"I don't know. I asked you how you were doing, you said some stuff about what my dad said, then you froze up. After a bit you started digging your nails into your wrist. You don't remember it?" Basil didn't want to explain it.

"No... I guess I was panicking." Kel finally relaxed, resting his chin in his hand. He was probably exhausted. Basil didn't even know the last time he ate. Maybe the day before yesterday? He usually told him everything he'd had if he asked, and sometimes told him unprompted, but he didn't bring anything up. He wanted to think he'd stopped thinking about it and was trying to keep it to himself, but Basil could tell from how he'd been acting that wasn't true. He probably hadn't eaten since Thursday.

"I've seen you have a panic attack before. At first, it was like that, but then you just went... blank." Basil lifted up the paper towel. It had already stopped. He pulled up the bandage, already knowing it wouldn't stick again, wiping the blood off his skin.

"I don't know... I can't really remember w-what I was feeling." Everything around him was dark and suffocating him. He looked closer at Kel's hair. That probably triggered him. This was one of the few moods he regularly got in. Basil had labeled them how he knew. Apathetic, where he didn't care about anything, panicked, where he felt powerless, frustrated, where everything angered him. Those were the emotional ones. Then there was paranoia, where he wasn't hallucinating but felt eyes, actual hallucinating, whatever that just was, and that odd high of erratic behavior. The last one made him act very weird. He was glad Kel only saw a bit of it, but he still regularly regretted how he urged him to hurt himself.

"If you start getting close to that again, please tell me. I couldn't get your hand away from your wrist without pulling too hard." Kel probably wouldn't have cut yesterday if he didn't do that. He heard that voice in his head again. It had gotten really loud in the last month. Going back to school didn't help, because now people were looking at him, so it felt like more than his own judgement. It just spouted constantly: you're useless. you're terrible. everyone hates you. you should die. disgusting. it's your fault. monster. freak. weirdo. kill yourself. Basil couldn't make it stop entirely. He could usually ignore it around Kel, but with what Tuesday signified, he couldn't quite shut it down. Last night was fine, but it was incessant today and the day before. He couldn't help but look where he heard it coming from, even if he knew it was in his head.

"Hey. Hey hey hey- you're starting to do it again. Don't go into it." Basil shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to ignore it. He was remembering the noises from the day of the recital, and they were basically screaming in his head. The crunch of the violin sounded like an explosion. Her scream- Kel's house wasn't the same, but it had a similar layout to Sunny's. Downstairs was worse than upstairs. He felt if he looked into the hallway, at the bottom of the stairs, it'd be there again. He felt Kel gently rubbing his hand, but it didn't do much.

"What are you feeling? Is... is there anything I can do?" Basil shook his head again. He just wanted to hurt himself. It wasn't long at all, but this was the longest he'd been without cutting in a couple months. It distracted him well. He needed to try to face it, as much as he could without telling too much.

"I-I just... hear noise. Screaming... it won't shut up t-this time." Kel moved up onto the couch, gently pulling his shoulder to turn him to face him.

"This has happened before? What do you usually do?" Basil didn't need to think about it.

"Cut myself..." Kel sighed deeply. It wasn't disappointment, just sadness and empathy. He'd only done it a couple times, but probably understood. Basil managed to open his eyes, but his vision was blurry. It was calming down just a bit to where he could think again, but his heart was still racing and he couldn't breathe evenly.

"I'm not letting you do that when you're like this. It's a sensory thing, right? You just need to feel something?" Basil nodded. He was slipping into an anxiety attack instead, but it just turned from "you" statements about why he was awful to "I".

"P-pain..." He wasn't sure that would work at this point. Basil wanted to reach for his wrist again already, but he didn't want to make it worse by pulling it wider or possibly infecting it. The fresher ones on his legs and the one on his stomach didn't feel the same. He didn't want this. He wanted it to be over. He imagined the feeling of the gun in his hands. How good it would feel to just be done with this...

"I'm not hurting you or letting you do it to yourself. Is there anything you like to fidget with? For me, I do things like tapping my desk or messing with my hair. It's not much, but it's all I can really think of." Basil shook his head. He couldn't think. He liked clicking his boxcutter up and down, but it was still at his house. He wanted to cut.

"I should have gone to the h-hospital..." This was the worse bout of hallucinations he'd ever had. He'd been given antidepressants and anxiety medication after his suicide attempt, which helped a bit, but after the first prescription ran out he didn't have the will to go outside anymore and get it fixed, nor ask his grandma to do it. They'd give him something there to stop or at least reduce this, have someone watch him, and maybe talk a bit. One of the therapists there was really nice. When he was there, though, he'd get scared they'd give him the wrong thing or accidentally poison it or purposely mess it up to kill someone as awful as him.

"I'm not going to lie and say that it was a good idea to keep you here, but we can deal with this. Stay here for a second." Basil panicked as Kel went into the kitchen again. He was alone. He was going to die alone. Even if Kel liked him now, he'd hate him eventually. Everyone did. Everyone hates me.

Basil looked, feeling something cold and wet on his hand. It was an icecube. He felt it start to melt slowly, despite his hands usually being pretty cold. He slid it between his hands, feeling it drip water onto his knee. It was getting really cold for shorts, but all his pants and all but one pair of his shorts were too big or didn't have a drawstring, so he couldn't tighten them. These were also Kel's, so he liked wearing them. The ice cube started getting too cold. He looked around, trying to find somewhere to put it. He grabbed the paper towel from earlier, wrapping it up and putting it on the small table next to the couch, wiping his hands off on his shorts. He was really surprised that worked. He'd tried that exact thing before and it didn't. He was still extremely anxious, and now mad at himself for letting Kel see him like that.

Basil sighed, laying into the couch again, pulling his sleeve down. He was so tired. He didn't sleep the night before, and although Kel warmed him up and was comfortable, he kept having mini nightmares all night. That nap yesterday didn’t do much. Kel sat next to him, patting his back.

"I'm s-sorry about that." Basil was really starting to feel bad about pushing his problems onto Kel.

"It's okay. I'm here for you." Basil looked into the kitchen. The sun was coming up. He wanted to go back to sleep, but knew he couldn't. Hero and his mom would probably be up soon.

Basil closed his eyes, sitting in silence for a bit, hearing some movement upstairs. He suddenly shot up, remembering the bloody paper towel next to him. He took it, shoving it into his hoodie pocket right as Kel's mom came into the living room. He was usually smarter about hiding that type of stuff, but he didn't really have time to prepare.

"Morning." Kel gave a tiny nod. He was fidgeting with his sweatband, turning it on his wrist. He did those types of things often.

"M-morning..." Basil was really sick of stuttering. The only time it seemed to get better was when he was in that weird, rare, emotional high, or rare times he felt truly comfortable. She looked around.

"I'm surprised you already picked up everything. It's pretty early for you to be up on a weekend, huh?" She was looking at Kel. He looked away, kind of annoyed. She probably thought they actually got out blankets and slept on the floor. Nope. Basil smiled a little, but pushed it away. Broke the rules, hehehe...

"I get up earlier than this for school. It's not that weird." Basil immediately felt tension between them, despite almost nothing happening yet. Kel was probably irritable and anxious both from what happened and his lack of food. Basil would have to try harder to get him to eat something today. He didn't eat that much yesterday himself and already felt a bit hungry. At first, he didn't really have an appetite, but he was having issues ignoring it. Yet, he always felt bad going to get food or asking about it when Kel was around, outside of school meals. He didn't like making him think about it, because it could trigger him to eat more and feel bad about it, possibly making him purge, or unintentionally make him eat less. He'd have to try to get him to eat without throwing it up today.

"Alright... but, anyway, we're going to go at about 9. What time is it?" She stared at Kel for a second. He looked confused before checking his watch.

"7:06." She acknowledged it with a hum, walking into the kitchen. Basil moved his hands up to fidget with the hoodie strings. Kel's mom was nice enough to him, but he could feel her judging him pretty hard, and knew it wasn't only his imagination. She was very welcome with Hero and Mari being together, but barely acknowledged him being with Kel. She didn't seem to talk to Basil at all when he was around. He didn't understand. He was just annoying and a nuisance to everyone around him, wasn't he?

"Oh yeah, Kel, what time is it? It's not like I have an alarm clock in my room already." He must be irritated. Basil stayed quiet. He didn't want to annoy him further.

-

Hunger. It was all Kel could feel. He was worried about Basil, but even that was being outweighed by it. His stomach wasn't growling or anything, but he knew he was. He didn't even know what food he wanted, he just wanted food. The sick enjoyment of seeing the number counting up on his watch convinced him it was still a bad idea to have anything until after Tuesday. He was getting kind of restless just sitting on the couch, messing with his wristband and bouncing his leg. Usually he wasn't aware of it, but was now under stimulated compared to last night.

"Um... Kel-"

"What?!" He came off a bit more aggressive than he meant, seeing Basil turn away.

"N-nevermind..." Kel sighed, turning away and falling on his side onto the couch.

"I didn't mean to raise my voice like that... sorry." Basil didn't respond. Kel didn't like this. The air felt heavy. He turned the TV on again to some old cowboy movie, keeping it quiet. He hated the silence. It was replaced with banging as he heard his mom trying to find the right pan in the bottom cabinet. They had a bunch hanging on the wall, yet she had one she just had to use for eggs. Gross. Thinking about the flavor and texture of them was making Kel nauseous. If he had to eat something, it wasn't going to be that. He heard her getting annoyed before the cabinet finally closed. Found it.

"Hey, do either of you want some breakfast? I-"

"No." Kel looked up at her. She looked a little disappointed. He wasn't eating. Hero's cooking was better as well, but he wasn't going to say that to her.

"C-Can I have some toast, please?" Oops. Kel didn't mean to answer for him.

"Yeah, of course. What do you want on it?" Basil looked at his lap, thinking for a second, gently tapping his knee with his fingers. Cute-

"Um... peanut butter and honey would be good, i-if you have it..." That sounded really good. Now Kel wanted it. He already said no. She'd just criticize him.

"We do. It'll be just a little bit."

"T-thank you..." Kel looked back at the TV. This was boring. He needed to weigh himself. He sat back up after only a couple minutes of being down.

"I'll be right back. If you really need me, I'll be in the bathroom." Kel hadn't gone since yesterday afternoon. He'd barely had anything to drink, so it made sense. He was hesitant about leaving Basil alone, but his mom was close enough. He'd hurry. He went over to the front door, opening up his backpack and grabbing his notebook. With everything going on yesterday, he didn't write down his exercise calories. It was easier than usual, since he didn't need to put anything he ate, but he wanted to have it be consistent. He stopped by Basil, patting his head. He looked at him for a second before kissing his forehead. Basil smiled at him, Kel pausing at the doorframe before heading upstairs.

Hero didn't seem to be up yet. Kel was kind of glad for that. He needed some rest. He went into the bathroom, locking the door before immediately removing all his clothes. He quickly used the toilet, washing his hands, pulling the scale out from under the sink. He'd done this tons of times already, but it was still a nerve-wracking process. He got on.

154.8

Kel was a little disappointed. He knew it couldn't be a lot, since he didn't really exercise apart from his little sprint yesterday, but still wished it would have gone down faster. He was his goal, at least. He briefly looked at himself in the mirror. Tired. His hair being down made him look visibly depressed.

Kel put the scale back, turning his attention to his thigh. Basil didn't really have the right bandages for it, so he just had some bandaids over the bigger ones. It was weird seeing them on himself instead of Basil. A few were already scabbed, but a couple were bleeding after he unstuck his clothes from it. Crap. There was probably blood on his underwear. Kel checked. Yep. They were light grey, too, which made it very visible. He'd have to do his own laundry. That was one of the very few things his mom still did for him. He probably needed to start doing that himself awhile ago anyway.

Kel looked at himself again. He didn't look like he hadn't eaten. Tired and depressed, but no one could even tell he had an eating disorder. He looked at himself from the front then the side. He was still way too big. It wasn't like he could do more than he was by not eating. Exercising would probably make him faint.

Kel put his clothes back on, opening the notebook on the bathroom counter.

10/2/99: Didn't weigh
Didn't eat

Kel checked his watch. It took a bit for him to figure out how to go to the previous day for calories. It was a lot lower than usual.

Burned: 124
Total: -124

10/3/99: 154.8

He still needed to lose so much weight.

Chapter Text

Kel went back downstairs, feeling pretty bummed out. He'd be okay. It still sucked, though. He went back into the living room, seeing Basil eating his toast. His mom was cooking some ham. Fuck. He wanted to eat it. He'd have to be careful about breaking his fast on Wednesday, or else he'd binge.

"Hello..." He also had a cup of orange juice. God, Kel wanted some Orange Joe. It was so trashy but made him feel good. It was way too high. 200 calories for one can? Screw that. He sat back down fairly aggressively, dropping the notebook on the floor near the couch.

"Um... are you... okay?" Kel sighed.

"Yeah, I'm just mad I didn't lose as much weight as I wanted to. I also really want to eat something, but I can't." Basil looked down at the toast. He had two slices, peanut butter and slices of banana on top of it, with a sprinkle of cinnamon. It looked so good. Bread was one of his most common binge foods. He'd given Basil the rest of the bread and peanut butter he bought. Maybe he liked it. Throwing it up last time sucked, though. He couldn't get it all out, either.

"D-Do you want a piece?" Yes.

"Can't." Basil looked down at it sadly.

"Can you... drink something?" Kel shook his head. He was mad he was asking questions, but even more mad that he couldn't just do it.

"I'm not planning on eating anything until Wednesday." Stupid. Why'd he tell him that? His mom could of heard, too.

"T-That's... please don't..." Kel hugged his arms. It was like he didn't have a choice. He couldn't control himself, or more accurately, was too in control.

"I'm sorry." Kel jumped up as he saw Hero walk into the living room. He was wearing the same clothes as last night, minus pajama pants. His waist was way smaller than his. It pissed Kel off.

"Hey. Good morning." Basil was in the middle of a bite.

"Good mornfin..." Kel and Hero both chuckled.

"Mornin' bro." Hero smiled for a second, but it dropped fast. Kel sounded kind of flat. His exhaustion was visible. He should probably fix his hair up. He took Basil's pin out to bathe the other night and never put it back in. He took his hair band out of his pocket, temporarily holding it in his mouth, pulling to put his bangs into the back. Hero seemed to lose focus on it, going into the kitchen. They were just long enough to go in his eyes, but not fit into the ponytail properly, leaving a good chunk of them still in his eyes. He used to just put them in one stupid ponytail in the front, but he was too old for that. Around everyone, it was fun, but it just seemed stupid now, especially in public. He quickly realized Basil was staring at him, Kel pulling the band out his mouth. Basil quickly looked away, blushing a little.

"S-sorry... you looked cute." Kel had no idea what he was talking about. He wasn't cute. He thought he was fat, too. Basil called him "comfortable" earlier. You only say that to someone if they're soft. He sighed, pulling his hair through the band. Basil was looking again, just a bit more subtly.

"Can you please stop staring at me?" Basil looked down quickly.

"Just... cute..." Kel quickly realized he didn't mean it literally. He often had difficulty putting how he was attracted to people, especially him, into words, also defaulting to "cute" to describe Basil. Kel clipped the leaves back into his hair. He was closer to actually being cute, with his mannerisms and soft personality, but did Basil find him... attractive? Handsome? Sexy? Oh god that made him cringe- there was now way. Now he was blushing. He brought his hand up to his mouth, trying not to laugh at the idea of Basil flirting with him.

"Hey, did you guys..." Kel looked up at him.

"I'm interrupting something, aren't I?" Kel shook his head.

"No- no. It's okay. It's fine." Kel already needed to apologize to Basil yet again. Hero looked a bit unsure.

"Okay then... I was going to ask if either of you wanted some ham. Mom wasn't going to make it but changed her mind." Kel shook his head. Everyone was really annoying him asking this over and over. He made up his mind already.

"I got toast! I'm also trying to go v-vegetarian... so..." Hero seemed happy about that, but quickly looked back to Kel.

"What about you?" Kel sighed in annoyance.

"I'm kind of trying to do intermittent fasting. I still can't eat anything yet." Kel had no idea what a regular amount of hours was for it, just knowing what it was from those tabloids and trashy magazines he'd seen at the checkout aisle of the grocery store. He'd just lie and say he ate something at like 10, after he went upstairs. That was only... Kel glanced at his watch; 9 hours ago. Yeah. His brain was kind of lagging behind.

"Well... alright. If you change your mind, just ask." Kel immediately regretted it. He kind of wanted to be forced to eat, but at the same time, hated the idea of eating entirely. This was getting bad. He knew it was, but he doubted he'd be able to help himself if he tried anymore. His stomach was starting to growl now, further aggravating him. Kel stared at the ceiling. He was bored, but didn't know what to do. Basil seemed to actually be watching the cowboy movie, so he didn't want to change it.

Where was Hector? Kel hadn't seen him yet. He didn't feed him, either. He quickly got up, feeling Basil watch him, opening the door and briefly whistling from behind it. It took a few seconds, but he heard his nails clacking up the driveway, pushing the door open with his face.

"Dammit Kel, don't let the dog in here while I'm cooking-" Hector immediately ran into the kitchen.

"It's his house too!" Kel heard Basil snort from the couch. He actually felt himself smile for a moment.

"Please feed him, he keeps trying to jump up on the counter." Kel hurried into the kitchen, seeing Hero already sitting at the table in the dining room. There was a plate on the counter that he was jumping up for. Crispy sunny side up eggs with salsa, crema, ham, and hash browns- it just made Kel mad. He really liked food. He felt the same way as Hector. Kel opened up the cabinet under the sink, getting a cup full of the kibble. Kel was starting to realize that this was just a random sized cup they used. This probably wasn't the right amount for him at all, and was definitely why he was pretty overweight.

Kel looked closer at the bag and at the cup. He was a medium sized dog, which was 2 times a day. It was by weight, but he could estimate based on the pictures of the dogs that he was supposed to only be fed 1-1 1/2 cups. The cup they used was 12 ounces, 1 1/4 cups. 2 1/2 a day. He knew they were feeding him too much, but that was by a lot. Hector pushed his face into the cabinet, sniffing. Kel pushed his nose away, pouring a good amount out of the cup, closing it. They were lucky he'd stopped opening it by himself once he got out of his puppy stage, otherwise dog food would constantly be everywhere.

Hector followed him, excited, Kel pouring it in his bowl. He looked down at it, then up at him, clearly disappointed.

"Dude, you're built like a loaf of bread. No." He whined for a second. Kel pat his head, bringing the cup back. He put it back in the bag, looking at the pans on the stove. He kind of wanted to learn how to cook, but that would enable him to make better food, which would make him eat more. This sucked. Kel looked at his mom and Hero eating breakfast. This was the first time him and them were both up and not busy like this in the morning in months, and he was ruining it. He wanted Basil. Not even to spend time with him, he just wanted to be near him.

Kel got some water and came back into the living room, seeing Basil finish up his glass of orange juice, holding it up with two hands like he'd drop it with one. He looked so tiny. Kel didn't get it, but he wanted to be like that, despite it being so against his personality and goals. He knew Basil's look was deceiving, though, as he'd learn from his extremely tight hugs. The pain tolerance he had was also something unexpected. He knew there were grown men who cry about getting a shot. Basil didn't go into it much, but he knew Basil had to do it himself every month. Kel sat down, Basil sighing and putting down the glass.

"Jeez... that was a lot. My stomach isn't used to eating this much y-yet..." Kel could have eaten 3 times what he'd just had, probably more. He wished eating so little was easy. He glanced at him. Even with that, he couldn't see his stomach at all through it.

"Yeah, well, it's a lot better than before. You really needed to gain some weight." No one would ever say that to him.

"Mhm. It hurts just having normal amounts... I'm nauseous a lot, too. N-not really new, though." Basil had stomach problems since Kel met him. It was part of why he ate a lot of veggies. Dairy really messed with him in particular.

"I used to get that way when I didn't eat. Like, I'd binge the night before, wake up, then feel sick just a couple hours later. Eating was the only thing that really helped it. Now that I'm thinking about it... it probably was just my nerves." Basil nodded. He looked pretty queasy already. The movie seemed to be over. He handed the remote to Basil, switching it to the cartoon channel, playing Tom and Jerry. Kel didn't mind it. It was stupid enough to make him forget where he was, drinking his water. It helped with the hunger a bit, but he knew he'd be having cramps all day from his stomach being empty.

A couple minutes later, he heard Basil groan, clearly uncomfortable.

"You good?" Basil shook his head, covering his face with his arm.

"I'm trying really hard not to throw up." Kel frowned. He needed to help him. They didn't really have anything for him to do it in besides the kitchen sink, which had some dishes in it.

"Let me help you to the bathroom." Basil nodded. Kel helped him up, but quickly realized it wasn't going to work, Basil having a hard time standing up without bending over. He'd probably lose it before he got there. Kel put his arm around his back and behind his knees, lifting him up and carrying him. Kel knew he would be light, but it was still concerning. He found it cute to hold him like this, but he didn't really get to think about it. Going up them while carrying him was nerve wracking, but he managed. Kel put him down one he kicked the door open, Basil immediately running to the toilet, only making it a couple seconds before he threw up. The sound immediately upset Kel. Basil watched him do this multiple times on purpose. He wanted to kneel down and comfort him, but it was clear that he was going to do it again.

Kel moved to hold his hair out of his face, though, as more came up. It was kind of gross to look at, but he'd seen his own vomit a few times now. Hearing the gagging made him nauseous, too. It reminded Kel of that binge night the day school started, with everything being a brownish orange from the soda he'd had, orange juice in Basil's case. He definitely chewed his food more. Images of Kel forcefully shoving chips, sandwiches, and various baked goods and energy bars in his mouth popped up in his mind. The idea disgusted him, but he wanted to feel that again. Starving gave him a bit of a high in a way, just because he could think about how good of a job he was doing, along with feeling better than other people, but binging was a lot more of a relief; much faster, too.

Kel pat Basil's back as he finished spitting everything up, coughing. He gave him some toilet paper, letting him blow his nose.

"God- why would you e-ever do this on purpose?" Kel looked away in shame. He felt bad; Basil had such a hard time eating, yet he just felt jealous of him all the time.

"It sucks, I know, but eating so much and the guilt of it is way worse for me." Basil shook his head slightly, standing up.

"I'm mad at myself for eating too little. I hate the way I look." Kel frowned. Basil did look pretty sick most of the time, but he looked a lot better compared to last month. He closed the toilet lid, flushing it.

"Hey- you're trying really hard. Maybe even a bit too much, honestly. Do you know how much progress you've made?" Basil shook his head. He kind of was eating a lot, having Hero's meals on top of the schools, but Kel's perspective was kind of skewed. He also didn't eat the meat in any of them.

"I can see it. I know things are still really hard, but you look happier. Do you wanna weigh yourself? I won't look if it helps." Basil gave a tiny nod. Kel dug under the cabinet and put it down for him, going outside for a second. Basil came out a bit later after he heard the sink run; probably rinsing out his mouth. He looked a lot more relieved.

"I thought I'd barely made any progress, but I'm up 12 pounds-" Basil quickly looked like he regretted saying it. He probably didn't like Kel knowing his weight, but he already added it. 99. Kel smiled, patting his head.

"That's good. Don't worry about it. If you wanna gain a bit more, go for it." Kel would love Basil regardless of what he looked like, but he wanted him to be healthier. He regularly got dizzy, tired, and had chest pain. Even if he became overweight like he had, he wouldn't stop liking him.

"Probably... I don't know what I'm supposed to weigh, t-though." Kel knew a little bit about bmi, but that was mostly just for himself. He'd just barely gotten out of being overweight. Basil was really under. His own goal was pretty low, but was enough to be considered healthy. Basil should probably be above 110.

"I know this calculator on the computer that can help figure it out. It needs your height, though. We can ask Hero about it." Basil nodded. He looked a bit happier. On cue, Hero popped in from the living room.

"Are you guys alright? You just disappeared without saying anything." Kel huffed. Already in their business again...

"We're fine. Basil just had some stomach issues." Hero looked at Basil like he didn't believe him, but went back to Kel.

"Sorry to hear that. We might have some pepto bismol in the fridge, if he needs it." Kel started walking down the stairs, Basil following a few seconds later. Everytime he went down them he got nervous about slipping again, especially when he was wearing socks.

Kel noticed his mom doing the dishes as Hero moved to the couch. That was rare. She usually made him or Hero do them when she cooked. Well, Kel didn't eat anything, so it made sense for him. Basil hurried over to her.

"Oh! I forgot! D-do you need me to help, ma'am?" She smiled, pulling a plate out of the soap water.

"It's okay, it's not much and you just had some toast." Kel was glad she took it easy on him. Kel opened up the fridge, looking around. That thing she made from last night was still in there. His eyes stayed on the pie a bit too long. Where was it? He had to push a ton of drinks and condiments that no one used out the way, but finally found it in the back, holding it out to Basil. He looked at the back before pouring some in the cup, throwing it back like it was a shot of alcohol, making Kel laugh.

"Ugh... it's gross." Kel rinsed out the cup while he put the cap back on.

"It should help you feel less nauseous." He heard the sink drain.

"Oh, did you get sick? I'm sorry about that." Basil smiled nervously.

"I-it's okay, it wasn't what you made for me." His mom seemed to be acting nicer to him today than last night.

"Well... we should probably start getting ready. I have the appointment set for 9:30, and it's 8:45, so we need to leave by 9 to get across the city. Are you coming too, Basil?" Kel was getting excited now. Maybe he'd actually get a suit. Well... shit... he didn't ask about that part.

"U-um... I was hoping to... heh..." He looked happy. Kel already decided he was going to use his saved allowance on one for him.

"Alright. We won't be back until about 12 or so. Is that okay?" Basil's happiness faded.

"Probably not... w-well... I need to check in on my grandma first."

"Fuck-" Kel had completely forgot about her. She was still mostly independent, but Basil had been helping her cook for a couple weeks now, since doing it with her walker was hard.

"Kel!"

"Sorry! I just- I forgot something important at Basil's and just remembered it. Can I go with him too?" She sighed, clearly annoyed he cursed, but nodded.

"Yeah. Just get ready first."

"I am ready, I just need to go get-"

"Did you brush your teeth and put on deodorant? I already know you didn't brush your hair." Kel just slumped, knowing she already knew the answer.

"Go do that. You're a teenage boy, you need to wear deodorant." Now he was embarrassed. Did Basil think he smelled too? Kel patted his shoulder.

"I'll be right back again..."

It didn't take Kel long, but he was now worried about leaving Basil alone for even a couple minutes. He quickly grabbed his wallet, double checking how much he had. 120$. Quite a lot for him. He did have to give Hero 10 back, and had bought a couple snacks for him and Basil throughout the month, so he was down 30 from what he would have had if he didn't spend any. It probably wasn't enough for an entire suit, but he might be able to skip his allowance for next week and convince his mom to get it. Kel went downstairs.

Basil seemed fine, just waiting by the door with his shoes on. Kel kind of needed new ones. His had a bunch of holes and were a bit too small. He'd been given some for practice, which he also wore in gym and his weights class, but he didn't want to ruin them on the street. Kel put them on. They were some knock off red and white Jordan's his dad got him for Christmas last year, but he liked them.

The walk didn't take long, but Kel was already cold by the time they got there. His leg didn't hurt anymore; just a bit uncomfortable from the fabric rubbing on it. It was particularly windy and a bit cloudy, making it colder than usual for early October. Basil didn't seem very perturbed, hurrying towards the end. Kel let him go ahead. He was probably worried about her. Kel confirmed it as true, seeing him immediately head towards her room. Basil really cared about her.

Kel didn't want to eavesdrop. He waited in the hallway for a second, deciding to go into the attic real quick. He usually let Basil open it, just because it was funny seeing him jump up to reach the cord. It was a little high for Kel, but he reached it fine enough.

Going up, Kel already didn't want to leave. He loved it up here. He laid on the bed, looking at the pillows and plushies. Basil had gotten a couple more, but he wasn't sure where or what they were from, minus a Bulbasaur. It was kind of ugly, the eyes were too small and too far apart and were kind of scratched. Sunny had gotten Pokémon blue for his gameboy, just a couple weeks before Mari died. Kel and Basil mostly just watched him play it, pointing out which Pokémon they liked the most. Kel liked the fire ones and Basil liked the plant ones, of course. He knew there was a sequel coming out soon in Japan, although it'd take a bit to be localized. Kel hadn't gotten any games in awhile; they'd stopped making SNES games a couple years ago. He really wanted an N64. It was almost 250$ at Hobbeez, though, which was way overpriced in his opinion. He hadn't gone there since before school started. Almost everything Kel liked, he'd lost interest in.

Kel got up, looking over at the boxcutter. He wanted to get rid of it. Basil would probably hurt himself either way. It wasn't very big, but he saw a plastic bag in the box he had with a few random blades, but they looked dirty. He could buy new ones at fix-it, too. He probably wouldn't stop, regardless of what Kel did. It was better for him to use a clean one than a dirty one.

"K-Kel? I'm ready..." He looked at it for a couple more seconds, touching his thigh. The temptation was there now.

Kel grabbed it.

Chapter Text

hiii ssooo I went through the entire story and changed a bunch of things BUT I didn’t want any comments or whatever to be out of context for anyone new so I made another post (work? Publication idk) of the rework for this fic. I have to proofread one more time and publish it, but I think up to chapter 10 is on there. I’ve kind of hit a block so I’m hoping getting some new people will get me back to writing for this fic bc I still have ideas, just takes time to get there.

ok byeee

OH WAIT ALSO

I might be posting something original soon, too. Has my “typical” topics.

Chapter Text

if you saw that I posted a new chapter to this; that was an oopsie. still gives me a good chance to remind people:

THIS FIC IS BEING REWORKED. I am not done posting it bc I'm making final touches but I'm posting like 3-5 a day until we get caught back up