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Chapter Text

Lan Wangji has fought himself many times, and by the age of seventeen, he became tired.

Sexuality issues weren’t something he thought he would ever have to deal with, let alone in therapy. But he did, and successfully came out unharmed - to his family and to the worst place ever: High school. Lan Wangji knew better - all the privileges he had, being a quarterback, the team’s golden boy; being from a wealthy family who donated large amounts of money to the school every year. And being pretty fucking smart. For once, he decided to use his privileges for his own sake. When school started again, in his senior year, he was the new gay kid on the block. The news reverberated through the hallways, and Lan Wangji just knew he was a topic, but couldn’t care less, until an obnoxious cheerleader started to pester him - besides being a quarterback, Lan Wangji hated cheerleaders.

The one in question turns out to be summative of all the things he can’t stand. Wei Wuxian is annoying, bad-mannered. Lan Wangji can’t stand one second by his side, let alone listening to his giggles. Jin Zixuan calls him The Plague, and he’s right. The rest of the school considering him a hero just proves Lan Wangji’s thesis, that most teenagers are a lost cause.

Wei Wuxian not only pranks him but expressively flirts with him. He does it very openly, after a game, during practice, and in between classes too; Lan Wangji coldly ignores him, but the boy basically grins.

"Hey, Lan Zhan! Now that you're officially gay, when will you go out with me?"

"I've always wanted to snuggle a quarterback..." And winks.

Truth be told, Lan Wangji would. You know, go on a date with him. If he thought Wei Wuxian was serious about it, not simply fooling around as he did to every single teammate of his. Lan Wangji actually likes when Wei Wuxian does his hair up cheerleading style, with a cute red bow at the top of his head. But everyone knows the boy will never settle for one partner, and already made out with half the cheerleading team ("Shameless", Lan Wangji thinks, blushing at the stories he hears) and the seniors that crash at his parties.

He does have a bright, nice smile, though.

So the quarterback pretends not to listen to his tease, barely glaring at him. Jin Zixuan snorts every time the kid walks by.

"Please, just fuck him already," he sometimes pleads, while they're gathering books from their lockers. “Is the only way he'll leave you alone.”

Lan Wangji raises his eyebrows. "How would you know?" He asks, dryly.

"Jiang Yanli said he doesn't do seconds," Jin Zixuan shrugs, shutting his locker.

Lan Wangji’s stomach does a weird thing. Naturally, it has nothing to do with another piece of confirmation about Wei Wuxian’s fleetingness.

**

Wei Wuxian.

Also known as the smartest kid of his year, owner of the big fucking house around the last block where he throws the best parties, the ones everyone gets invited to, even the invincible girls from The Jane Austen Book Club, the really cool chicks that hate everyone; Wei Wuxian also happens to be the best tumbler on their school’s cheerleading team, an adopted child of a loving family and, last but not least, the boy who has of a full-moon-sized crush on the football team’s quarterback.

Lan Wangji was his bisexual awakening, a couple of years earlier, when Wei Wuxian entered the locker room after practice, bumped against Lan Wangji’s damp chest, and - well, he kind of couldn't move his eyes away. The taller boy had a white towel around his waist, long hair dripping across his shoulders, and pale pecs. Wei Wuxian just stood there, blinking, astonished. Lan Wangji stepped back, pulling him out of his daze. Wei Wuxian grinned and apologized, as naturally as he could. To be honest, deep down, Wei Wuxian always knew he liked all kinds of people. It wasn't a big deal. Almost-naked Lan Wangji just proved him right.

"I like boys," he confessed one day, to his sister and Nie Huaisang. "I mean, I also like boys. And girls."

Nie Huaisang laughed, covering his mouth, as Jiang Yanli just smiled kindly. And that was it.
Jiang Cheng was a little more difficult. He thought Wei Wuxian was only messing around, being a whore™. But he shut up when his long-life crush explained he was being extremely biphobic, and that she liked boys and girls too, so what was he going to do. Wei Wuxian loved Wen Qing.

When Wei Wuxian first heard the rumors about Lan Wangji being gay, his ears tunned down and his heart raced on his chest. Nie Huaisang had to shake him hard.

"But... really, really gay? Or just... Someone-is-speculating gay?" he'd asked.

He couldn't believe it.

It was - that meant he had a shot. Right?

It turned out that did not mean he had a shot. Lan Wangji wouldn't even spare him a look.

Once, he'd just complimented Lan Wangji's new haircut when crossing eyes with him in the hallway, and was happily heading to class, when he overheard Jin Zixuan sing-song, "attention whore," which he didn't give a shit about, but then it had been followed by Lan Wangji's low "Mn," in agreement.

Wei Wuxian had already walked past them, so they couldn't see his face, but he still fought bravely to keep on the smile that threatened to fade. People could be real assholes sometimes, he knew that. He had just been nice to the boy he liked. Fuck Jin Zixuan.

The hurt came because Wei Wuxian realized Lan Wangji didn't censor Jin Zixuan's rudeness - Lan Zhan, who was very polite to everyone, who hated wrongdoings, and didn't even curse. That changed something; as if he wasn't worth being treated like a person. Wei Wuxian felt small and embarrassed. After that Incident, he avoided running into Lan Wangji at school for days.

Back then, one whole week after The Incident, Wei Wuxian met Lan Wangji again. This time, he had prepared himself, though; it was the last Friday of the month, an afternoon that cheerleaders used to practice at the field alongside the football team. Their meeting was inevitable. The bright side was that the season was about to start, so, despite this being a moment of flirting and distractions for all the students involved, everything went fine. The players were on fire, fueled by energy drinks and on the special pre-season diet that got them wild.

Wei Wuxian was really proud of himself, accomplishing a backflip full twist across the field, two times in a row. Even the coach whistled at him. The endorphins really kicked in, and he was feeling on top of the fucking world, even sweaty, with disheveled damp hair. On the way back to the locker rooms, he stared at himself in the large mirrors by the sink and realized his bow was missing. 

"Shit," he cursed, patting his hair, even though the accessory clearly wasn't there. "It was my favorite," Wei Wuxian mumbled to himself.

He’d been washing his face (no way he'd shower there - it was really dirty, and he was scared of feet fungus, okay), when a not-so-familiar voice echoed.

"Wei Wuxian."

He almost jumped out of his bones, eyes locking with Lan Wangji across the mirror. Wei Wuxian blinked.

"Uh. Lan Zhan?"

“I believe this belongs to you,” Lan Wangji explained and waddled in his direction, still keeping a good distance, to put his huge red bow carefully on the sink. Wei Wuxian’s eyes sparkled with joy while he reached for the hairpiece, and a huge grin possessed his entire face.

"Oh, I thought I'd lost it! Thank you, Lan Zhan! I-", but before he could finish, Lan Wangji nodded and left, helmet in hand, duffel bag on his shoulders.

Wei Wuxian sighed, watching Lan Wangji’s broad shoulders until they're out of sight. Turning back to look at himself in the mirror, he was surprised to find a smile lingering there. Lan Wangji had found his bow. He knew it was his. And that was all Wei Wuxian needed to get back to his bad behavior.

**

Despite everything, Lan Wangji grows used to Wei Wuxian’s presence in his routine. They only share one class together, the first of the day, when Wei Wuxian is always too sleepy to interact, so Lan Wangji only hears of him at the end of it.

"Lan Zhan, what a nice sweater! Such good shoulders, ah," Wei Wuxian teases, flirty, and waltzes away like nothing happened. Lan Wangji doesn’t have any urge to respond to him, and that becomes their dynamics.

Sometimes, Wei Wuxian isn't alone when he woos him. Surrounded by cheerleaders, his provoking lays a little lower, but the giggles that always follow are definitely a bother. He doesn’t like to be made fun of. Lan Wangji almost growled in public once, when one of Wei Wuxian’s hands flew in his direction, aiming for his biceps.

When Wei Wuxian flinched, retreating his hand, the boy’s smile was apologetic.

"Sorry, Lan Zhan. You're just too good to be true. Sometimes I can't believe you're real, you know?"

And, without expecting an answer, he walked away, being followed by the grating giggly crew. 

Chapter Text

One sunny Wednesday, at lunch, the sentence Lan Wangji dreaded the most since he joined public school, instead of being homeschooled by his uncle, pops out of his best friend's mouth.

"Wangji," Jzx greets, slumping on the chair by his side. "Who are you taking to Prom?"

Something certainly happens to his face, because Jin Zixuan immediately raises his hands, defensively. "Hey, man, not my fault. Just asking!"

"I am not attending and you are well aware of that," Lan Wangji explains as if they haven't talked about it already. Jin Zixuan rolls his eyes.

"Of course you are attending. I am, therefore, you're too," he winks, unwrapping a pastrami sandwich. Jin Zixuan stops for a second, then sighs, looking at Lwj. "Look. I seriously need you to go. I'm gonna ask Jiang Yanli. Tomorrow."

Lan Wangji raises his eyebrows, eyes detaching from the open article on his kindle to meet Jin Zixuan’s worried ones.

"You said you were only friends," Lan Wangji says. The other clicks his tongue.

"Yeah, but," Jin Zixuan looks exasperated. Lan Wangji holds back a snort. "It's senior year, man. It's now or never."

Lan Wangji hums in agreement. High school was finally coming to an end, after all. Prom wasn't something he craved or dreamed about, but his last school year had been okay. He could even say he'd miss his routine a little. And closure rites were important for new cycles to begin, his uncle always said.

Unfortunately, the rules demanded Lan Wangji to invite someone - which was out of the question. He had no interest in pushing through his anxiety issues for prom.

"Not going," Lan Wangji concludes. Jin Zixuan opens his mouth to protest, but someone's high-pitched laugh startles the whole cafeteria.

It all happened really fast.

Lan Wangji’s name floated in whispers until it reached his own ears, Jin Zixuan cocking one eyebrow in confusion, the former getting out of his seat to follow the fuss, with a terrible feeling in his guts. Lan Wangji’s feet led him to his locker, in the middle of the main corridor.

Something was — clearly wrong with it; red, white, pink papers could be seen at its corners and through the front slits. Those were heart-shaped. Little heart-shaped-papers. Lwj sucked in a quiet, but sharp breath.

He looked around, definitely not in the mood to open that in front half of the school. But avoiding it also seemed like a bad idea, a coward choice. He wanted to be known as anything but. Lan Wangji closed his eyes for a moment, letting the air out through parted lips, putting his shit together.

Someone shouted “Just open it, man!” and he managed to give his best cold glare in the voice's direction, shutting everyone down, before scrolling through his combination and clicking it open.

Paper hearts spurted out of the locker as soon as Lan Wangji slightly pulled the door, flooding the grimy white floor. The crowd cheered and catcalled. Giggles, whistles and noise everywhere. His nostrils flared open.

“What the fuck,” Lan Wangji whispered, which caused a surprised ‘wow’ to be heard behind him. That was probably the first time he was seen cursing in public. He avoided it, even at the most heated moments in football. Right then, Lan Wangji couldn’t help, his ears were too hot, probably red as peppers, and he’d never been more embarrassed in his entire life. He felt it, the stupor of anger, and knew; he was going to a place he’d been only once before. A place he swore never to come back to.

(Once, in a game, he’d lost control after a player from the visiting team joked about his mom’s death. He saw red, and broke the guy’s jaw with one hand.)

He hated losing control.

Trying to blink his imminent fury away, Lan Wangji picked up one of the thousand paper hearts from the middle shelf of his locker, hands trembling. Written on it, was “PROM? <3”

“Lan Zhan! Lan Wangji! Over here! Will you go to Prom with me?!”

Wei Wuxian.

Of course, he was involved.

Lan Wangji crumpled the tiny heart in his hand and tossed it on the floor.

“C’mon! I know you ain’t taking any girl!” and the jostle of people exploded in laughter. He couldn’t believe he was actually hearing a joke about his sexuality.

When Lan Wangji gathered enough strength to stare at Wei Wuxian, he didn’t care to hide any of his facial expressions; and he sure as hell knew what he looked like when angry. Wei Wuxian came hopping in his direction, but his speed slowed and the huge smug smile on his face gradually slipped, bit by bit, as he took in Lan Wangji’s palpable rage.

“Ayah, Lan Z-” he stuttered, but couldn’t even finish the sentence. Lan Wangji heard, far away, Jin Zixuan’s not so potent voice trying to disperse the crowd. He didn’t care . Stepping harshly in Wei Wuxian’s direction, he closed the distance between them and clenched his fist around the boy’s stupidly large cropped top, pulling him closer before he could step backwards. Lan Wangji pushed him hard against the lockers, faces inches apart.

Later, he’d feel bad at how delighted he felt at the sight of Wei Wuxian’s wide panicked eyes.

“Am I joke to you?” Lan Wangji hissed, and when Wei Wuxian reached for his wrist in a futile attempt to coax him to release him, he only tightened the grip in the fabric. A small noise of tearing cloth caused the smaller boy to visibly flinch, bereft.

“What do I have to do to make you understand I don’t want you?” he huffed in Wei Wuxian’s face, who shook his head and bit on his lower lip. “Get lost!”

“I-I’m sorry, Lan Zha-”

“Stop…” Lan Wangji growled, using his free hand to punch the locker right beside Wei Wuxian’s head, who let out a strangled noise and automatically turned his head to the opposite side of the blow. “...Acting like we were acquainted.”

The loud clatter of metal being punched was followed by a fuss, and before Lan Wangji knew, Jin Zixuan’s insistent hands were under his armpits, an attempt to drag him away. That worked in a way, causing him to wake up from his rant.

Lan Wangji harshly released Wei Wuxian, and had only one second to take in the boy’s state; face stained with tears and eyeliner, his crop’s collar looser than it was, almost falling from one shoulder. That pitiful sight caused him to soften a little, both of them with eyes locked in each other’s. Lan Wangji watched Wei Wuxian scramble backwards, supporting himself against the lockers, before tearing his gaze away and running. Releasing the breath he didn’t even remember holding, Lan Wangji turned around, being led by Jin Zixuan.

“Not for this little shit, no,” his friend’s low voice spoke, next to his ear. “He’s not worth it.”

**

“I'm so stupid.”

Hidden under the bleachers, Wei Wuxian kept repeating his new solid mantra.

“What the fuck did I do, I’m so damn stupid, shit,” he muttered, hugging his knees, body rocking side to side. His reputation was so ruined. Lan Wangji took it way worse than expected, and his favorite top was now also ruined. Wei Wuxian slid a finger across the loosened collar of his clothing and felt his eyes filling up with tears again. He allowed himself to cry, eyes crushed against his bony kneecaps.

“A-Xian!”

Jiang Yanli’s voice startled him. Immediately, Wei Wuxian wiped his eyes with his fists, just in time for his sister to kneel beside him, a worried frown on her face.

“Jie jie,” his voice came out weaker than he meant. Damn. “Hi.”

“A-xian,” she basically caressed him with how sweetly she said his name. A hand rested on his back. “We’ve been looking for you. Let's go home.”

Wei Wuxian shook his head violently.

“Not leaving here until I die,” he said, hiding his face on his knees again. Jiang Yanli let out a sympathetic noise.

“Well, if it comforts you, you’re not the one being talked about, right now,” she explains, hands working on soothing movements at Wei Wuxian’s back. “The whole school is too shocked at,” she paused, considering. “...Lan Wangji’s behavior. It wasn’t classy.”

Wei Wuxian took a deep breath and looked at his sister.

“He wasn’t wrong. I shouldn’t- I exposed him,” he sighs. Jiang Yanli mimics it, sitting by his side.

“Yes, maybe you shouldn’t have done something so public, a lot of people don’t appreciate grand gestures, but,” she put a hand over his mouth when he opened it, “but. He overreacted. He was mean to you. That wasn’t okay.”

Wei Wuxian is still looking at his sister, her eyes so sure of what she’s saying. He almost believes it. They stay in silence for a while, until he moves his gaze to his sneakers.

“He said he didn’t want me,” vocalizing it was powerful. Wei Wuxian’s eyes watered instantly. He snorted. “I thought he could like me… Simply because he recognized my ribbon once. I know! I’m really stupid.”

Jiang Yanli hugged him, this time.

“You’re not stupid. You are a very sweet, very romantic boy. That’s all. Lan Wangji doesn’t deserve you.”

“I wrote him a letter,” he confessed, against her hair. Jiang Yanli went very, very still. “Yes, I did it. A stupid letter, can you believe this?!”

She released him, slowly. Her eyebrows were drawn together, and a small smile formed on her lips.

“What?” He raised an eyebrow, wiping his moist eyes again.

“Nothing,” she shook her head, looking away. “I just never thought you actually liked him. In this way, either. Or anyone. ”

Wei Wuxian let out a shocked noise.

“What? Jie jie! What do you mean?”

She shrugs, still not looking at him.

“You’re… A free spirit, XianXian,” she smiles fully now, gaze lost somewhere ahead. “We can put it that way.”

Wei Wuxian gasped, hand against his chest in an offended, dramatic manner. He turns to his sister.

“Jiiejie, are you politely calling me a slut?”

“A-Xian!”

They stare at each other.

Wei Wuxian’s lower lip trembles, as Jiang Yanli widens her eyes. They burst into laughter.

“Oh my god, and here I was,” Wwx holds his stomach, leaning against the metallic structure of the bleacher behind him. He’s shaking from how hard he laughs. “Thinking I had a reputation! Not even my own sister!”

Jiang Yanli is laughing freely, mouth covered by one hand.

“I’m sorry! That was not what I meant!”

Wei Wuxian can’t stop laughing, he loves her so much. His eyes prickle with tears again, joyful ones this time.

When they calm down, he remembers there’s still a small lingering hole in his heart, and his stomach feels churned upside down. A headache is taking place, from all the crying, and his knees are cramped by being in one position for so long. He still feels terribly sad.

“Jiejie,” he speaks quietly. “They say it’s a broken heart… But my whole body hurts.”

Jiang Yanli hugs him again.

**

“Who the fuck do you think you are?!”

Is the first thing Lan Wangji hears on Thursday morning, arriving at the school hallway. He was shoved so fiercely, it almost caused him to stumble. Jiang Wanyin’s red face is a mist of emotions, fury the most obvious one. Lan Wangji fixes his bag on his shoulder, looking ahead, and keeps walking to his classroom.

“You humiliated my brother! And for what? You fucking piece of trash!”

"No, Jiang Cheng! No!"

Probably that Huaisang kid , Lan Wangji thinks, the turmoil getting lower and lower as he walks away.

Lan Wangji hadn’t thought about what happened. His subconscious refused to.

He was… Still really embarrassed, at more than one thing now. He shoved someone against a locker. And punched it. Honestly, he’d never meant to punch Wei Wuxian’s face, but what scared him the most was his satisfaction at how the boy flinched with the mere possibility of it.

He hated himself for enjoying the fear. After Jin Zixuan calmed him, he didn’t think twice before grabbing his stuff and heading home, missing football practice. Lan Wangji had never done that before. The quarterback went straight to his room and refused to let his brain wander through the last events. His mind woke up blank.

The rest of the day went okay. At school, Wei Wuxian was nowhere to be seen. Not that he’d looked for him, of course.

**

“So, I kinda don’t know what to do after your rampage, and I need to ask —” Jin Zixuan cut himself in the middle of the sentence, mouth slack and eyes widening comically at some point over Lan Wangji’s shoulder. The latter turns around and looks down, meeting a smiley Jiang Yanli. The smile doesn’t reach her eyes, though.

“Jiang Yanli,” he greets. Lan Wangji feels, suddenly, very nervous.

“Lan Wangji,” she greets, eyes shining dangerously. “May I have a word?”

Lan Wangji looks around, shifting from feet to feet. They are about to enter P.E., half of the class already doing laps.

“Mn,” he nodded, sensing the class could wait. Now by his side, Jin Zixuan waves in the girls direction, but her eyes are glued to Lan Wangji’s. She doesn’t wave back.

“The other day…” Jiang Yanli starts, arms crossed against her chest, head tilted to the side. “What made you think you had any right to touch my brother?” she asks, face somehow still soft.

Lan Wangji clears his throat. He knew Jiang Yanli as a nice, polite girl. He’d never— anticipated such bluntness.

“I apologize,” he starts, carefully choosing the words. “But I believe this is between me and Wei Wuxian.”

Her eyebrows twitch, and the acid smile remains there, if not wider.

“Oh? See, that’s where you are wrong,” she says, coming closer. “Because even if my brother chooses to leave the past in the past, I have no intention of doing the same.”

Lan Wangji opens his mouth to answer, but the girl raises one finger. He shuts it.

“You know your impeccable record can be stained with only one advertence, don’t you?” She purses her lips to the side, letting out a weighed-up sigh. Lan Wangji knows that's terribly fake. “It would be a shame. I heard things can get particularly bad if it happens in your senior year.”

He swallows, weighs his words.

“What do you want,” and lets out.

She glances at him once more, and clicks her tongue, uncrossing her arms to shrug.

“Something simple. Apologize to my brother,” when Lan Wangji huffs out a breath, her face loses all remnants of kindness. She’s deadly serious. “You have until Monday.”

As soon as she turns to leave, he takes a huge breath, eyes closing for a moment. Until Jin Zixuan’s squeaky voice causes him to open them quickly in surprise.

“JIANG YANLI! DOYOUWANNAGOTOPROMWITHME”, is what leaves his stupid mouth, in one breath.

The girl freezes. Lan Wangji’s body screams to facepalm, but he resists, for the sake of his friend’s misery. What the hell, honestly.

“No, she doesn’t,” a voice answers, “This one is taken. Sorry.”

Wen Qing, popping out of nowhere, reaches for Jiang Yanli, putting a hand on her back pocket. Nuzzling the girl’s cheek, she winks at Jin Zixuan’s direction. Yanli giggles, before leaning against Wen Qing’s side. They walk away gracefully, exchanging smiles.

Lan Wangji gives his friend a sideways glance. Jin Zixuan’s mouth is slack, and he blinks pathetically. Lan Wanji takes a few steps towards him, patting his shoulder.

“Let's go.”

Chapter Text

On Friday, his brother invited friends over for dinner. Lan Wangji doesn’t usually participate in these social things, but after an exhausting afternoon of practice, his brain is still on when he arrives home.

He asks Lan Xichen what they are having for dinner, which is usually an indication that he might show his face for a few minutes. His brother smiles fondly, explaining each one is responsible for something. He’s cooking dumplings. Everything else is a surprise, Lan Xichen says. Lan Wangji hates surprises.

He goes upstairs, peeling off his clothes and getting into the bathroom. Under the shower, being hit by the strong gush of hot water, he tries to relax. Letting honest thoughts sink in only, his first flash is Jiang Yanli’s low voice, clearly a threat, which pulls him to remember he hadn’t seen Wei Wuxian since that fateful Wednesday.

Lan Wangji knew he had done badly.
He would - He thought about apologizing, of course. But Wei Wuxian’s reaction was unpredictable, possibly leading to another scene in front of the whole school, since he probably hated him, by now. And then things could get really messy.  He didn't even know how to approach the boy. Lan Wangji felt ashamed, and, curiously, still angry. Wei Wuxian’s stained cheeks came into his mind, his wide, terrified eyes. Lan Wangji’s stomach did a funny thing. Somehow, he relished it. He knew himself. He could nurse some specific needs. He fantasized, of course, as any other healthy teenager, but he was aware things could get a little intense in his head sometimes. Wei Wuxian was as mischievous as he was pretty, big eyes and pouty lips, the damn red ribbon Lan Wangji adored so much hanging loosely out of his ponytail. The urge to ravish him came as naturally as breathing. Aware of where his thread of thoughts would lead him, Lan Wangji groans, dick twitching. It had been a while, from a teen’s perspective, since he touched himself. He rests his forehead against the tiled wall and shudders. Since Tuesday evening he hadn’t managed a single moment of mental peace, and his accumulated sexual energy had been redirected to practice. But, out of no fucking where, his dick is full and heavy now, and he’s willing to have some extra endorphin discharge.

One hand wrapped around himself, he moves lazily, in a familiar manner, the way he likes. Thoroughly, Lan Wangji caresses his cock, tightening a ring of index finger and thumb at the swollen head. He lets out a low breath, movements speeding up, and ends up jerking off with no finesse. His mind slowly drifts to that wild zone he keeps closed; running free, his thoughts of firm grips, a small skirt and black silky hair flying over bare shoulders engulf him.

Lan Zhan...

Lan Wangji squeezes his eyes shut. In a daze, pleading eyes stare at him, a beautiful boy on his knees, mouth full, just taking what he gives. He clenches his free hand, resting it against the wall over his head, blunt nails digging into his palm; he could almost picture the sensation of squeezing that pretty neck, the bulging throat, stuffed with his length and girth. Lan Wangji would make him cry so prettily. The thought drives him all the way towards climax, belly muscles tightening, as a thick load of cum stains the tiles, and he comes for a long, long time. In his stupor, Wei Wuxian smiles slyly at him, licking his abused lips, greedy.  Lips Lan Wangji would kiss, a face he would cradle in his hands if he could. He feels lightheaded. Coming back to himself in small increments, he suddenly becomes aware of what he’d done. One agonizing gaze from the boy he’d just dismissed got him to orgasm so hard, his knees were like jelly.

He’d just fantasized about someone disheveled, on his knees for him, unwillingly, being abused, and forced to take, and take and take. Lan Wangji feels bereft, somehow nursing the strangest sensation of loneliness, abandon, of being wrong. He wants to reach, to touch, be touched, to hold. His heart is suddenly heavy with the realization of being so alone in the huge bathroom. One single name won’t leave his mind, as he finishes the shower and wraps himself in a fluffy white towel.

Wei Wuxian.

Lan Wangji slowly became more self-aware. He could be a violent person, and that was - a personality trait he needed to take care of. But right then, what he regretted the most was not being able to soothe Wei Wuxian’s sobs away. He would be the person to cause only pain, this was who he was. The weirdest fondness has been slowly creeping under his ribs, engulfing his senses the more he nourishes some of a post-orgasm emptiness. He cared. He wanted. He wanted so much, he hated the fact Wei Wuxian wasn’t his, only his. He hated the boy’s shallow compliments, the way he’d flirt with him and everyone else. Lan Wangji was terribly possessive. Unconsciously, he’d never allowed Wei Wuxian closer because of that. He wasn't serious enough. He would definitely crack him open, bathe on Lan Wangji’s lust and love, and then get away unscathed when he felt like it. Lan Wangji purses his lips, breathing slowly. 

Monday.
He is going to apologize. And then things will get back to normal. He can go back to pretend nothing happened, and Wei Wuxian’s presence in his routine would be, again, a small flickering of light, of happiness, instead of the constant anxiety that’s been surrounding him for the last few days. Monday. 

Lan Wangji goes downstairs for dinner, after getting ready. He wasn’t in the mood to see people anymore, but Lan Xichen was already hopeful, an implicit promise made by his previous interest. Reaching the first floor, he’s surprised to see his junior, Nie Huaisang,  in his living room, neatly seated beside his brother. Everyone is paying attention, Nie Mingjue speaking out loud about some really nice restaurant; Lan Wangji always thought he was fighting someone when he went on a rant like this, but it was just the way he expressed himself. Lan Xichen turns to look at him, acknowledging his presence, and stands.

“Wangji, join us,” he greets. “There’s red tea. You want some?”

Lan Wangji nods, eyes on Nie Huaisang, who he knows is a close friend of the Jiang siblings. Specifically, Wei Wuxian and Jiang Wanyin’s shadow. The younger one seems relaxed and blissfully entertained, so Lan Wangji takes the seat across from him, at the ocean blue armchair. Lan Xichen is handing him a cup of tea when the bell rings.

“Ah! Probably A-Yao. Let me get this,” his brother informs.

Nie Mingjue follows him to the door, greeting Meng Yao as well, before all three head straight to the kitchen. And that’s when Lan Wangji realizes he’s doomed to make small talk. With Nie Huaisang, someone who, as far as Lan Wangji knows, it’s not a big fan of his at the moment. Or ever. He clears his throat and the boy looks at him.

“Lan Wangji,” the Nie’s youngest politely greets. “How’ve you been?”

Lan Wangji blinks.

“Fine. Thank you for asking,” and sips on his tea. “How about you?”

Nie Huaisang surprisingly snorts and shifts on the couch.

“Not really,” he answers, a bitchy tone present in his voice now. “You know, some asshole thought it was funny to manhandle my best friend in front of the whole school after he confessed his feelings.”

The tea takes the wrong way down Lan Wangji’s throat, and he chokes, coughing pathetically. Nie Huaisang remains impassive. He sips his red tea, politely waiting Lan Wangji’s coughing fit to decrease.

Lan Xichen hurries back to the living room.

“Wangji? Are you okay?” he asks, resting a hand on Lan Wangji’s shaking shoulders.

He takes a deep breath, nodding.

“Just a wrong swig, I am fine,” Lan Wangji assures, voice rasp. Lan Xichen cocks an eyebrow, gaze flicking between his younger brother and Nie Huaisang, who’s fanning himself. He smiles.

“Okay. We are setting the food, will be back in a moment,” Lxc informs, and leaves again.

Nie Huaisang doesn’t even blink before putting the smile off.

“You fucked up, Lan Wangji,”

Lan Wangji gives him a look . He’s getting seriously angry by the idea of feeling cornered in his own house and at the censorship. As if Wei Wuxian hadn’t ridiculed him in front of everyone.

“That’s what happens when you prank someone and can’t deal with the consequences,” he retorts.

“Prank?” the other’s jaw drops, as he shakes his head in disbelief. “You. Are you fucking crazy?!”

Lan Wangji remains impassive. Nie Huaisang rolls his eyes.

“Damn, you look way smarter than you actually are,” the younger mumbles, downing the rest of the tea. “Oh my god, I could kill for booze right now.”

“Nie Huaisang. What do you mean?”

The other cocks his head, aware he got Lan Wangji’s attention. Petulant.

“I mean I wanna get drunk,” he explains, peevishly. Lan Wangji huffs.

“What are you not telling me?”

Nie Huaisang sighs, closing his fan and depositing it on the coffee table between them. He eyes Lan Wangji, turning the porcelain cup between his fingers.

“I’m telling you everything. You are an asshole who broke my best friend’s heart because you’re so good for everyone, aren’t you? You thought he wasn’t enough for you? Then you treated him like shit.”

Lan Wangji schools his expression as best as he can, fists clenched. Nie Huaisang stands. It’s almost automatic for Lan Wangji to get to his full height too. 

“Do you know how many fucking days we spent cutting paper hearts ? How many phone calls took me to convince him to actually write that damn letter? I voted for you. I was all ‘oh no, he’s one of the good ones, Wei Ying!’ and then you did- this!”

Nie Huaisang flushes, clearly losing it in a way that hadn't been planned. As Lan Wangji remains quiet, the former lets out a frustrated noise and turns to leave, but the quarterback has one blaring alarm going off inside his head right then. He raises his voice.

“Huaisang, wait. What letter?”

Chapter Text

Lan Wangji unlocks his locker first thing on Monday morning.

He gets to school early, even earlier than his usual, and doesn’t need to fumble a lot to find a small white envelope, buried on remaining paper hearts (he doesn’t think they’ll disappear from his locker for at least a year). He is suddenly nervous, looking around subtly, the small paper held safe in his hands. Locker closed, his eyes remain on the letter. Lan Wangji had spent the rest of the weekend dying to discover what Wei Wuxiam could possibly have written to him. 

But now, anticipation is making him antsy, jittery. He checks his watch. 45 minutes until the first period. His feet take him across the large campus, then across the field, until the empty outdoor bleachers. The weather is even, mild, but Lan Wangji shivers a little when he sits at the worn wood. Taking a deep breath to ground himself, he tears the thin paper open.

Hey, Lan Zhan!

If you reached this humble piece of paper, we’re probably going to prom together, which means we’re actually soulmates, as I’ve told you sooo many times. We’re meant to be! Haha, just joking. The thing is, I’ve always seen you as a really nice guy. The nicest.
I might not be very good with words, my love language sure is more annoying-lan-zhan than maturely-reporting-my-feelings so I’m basically using this letter to say I’m probably jumping around in joy, feeling very lucky to have you as my date. I wasn’t very excited about prom this year, but with you, I’m sure it’s going to be the loveliest night, I promise I won't even annoy you that much.

Thank you for picking me. I’ll work really hard to look the prettiest, besides knowing there’s no match for you in a tux.

I'll finish it by saying I like you so very, very much.

Sincerely yours,

Wei Ying.


Lan Wangji’s heart starts a whole symphony against his chest.

Thank you for picking me.

That wasn’t something he was expecting. A lot went through his mind when he wandered about the letter's content, but that note was so honest, heartfelt. It was something he would’ve enjoyed receiving, in different circumstances. 

Yours, Wei Ying.

Of course, he was the remittee, but somehow it felt like he wasn’t supposed to be reading that confession after the situation turned out so tragically different from Wei Wuxian’s expectations. Lan Wangji lets his head hang forward, forearms against his spread knees, and closes his eyes.

“Shit,” he mumbles, all by himself across the enormous, empty grass field.

**

Lan Wangji naturally knew nothing about cheerleading's training hours, and when he tried to ask the cheer captain about their schedule, Luo QingYang just glared at him and answered dryly: “Check the bulletin board. It’s next to the gym entrance.”

He simply thanked her. It was becoming something natural being mistreated, at this point. Sighing, Lan Wangji checked the schedule. His hands were still sweaty, heart agitated; he’d never had so much trouble to find someone as loud as Wei Wuxian at school before. Lan Wangji expected to run into Wei Wuxian before Jiang Yanli could find him with his task still undone, too. Not that he cared much, of course. But that made him and Jin Zixuan a great team, once the latter was also pointedly avoiding the girl.

“So you’re abandoning me? Seriously? I can’t believe it,” Jin Zixuan huffs, as they walk through the cafeteria. Lan Wangji remains watchful, but Wei Wuxian hadn’t shown his face the whole morning. 

“We don’t know about that,” Lan Wangji says, opening his tea tumbler. “I don't believe he’ll still be interested.”

Jin Zixuan rolls his eyes.

“I bet my fucking car he's still very much interested, Wangji.”

“We don’t know about that,” Lan Wangji repeats, in a lower tone. 

“When will you talk to the brat? If I’m going to prom like a loser, reads: alone, I need to know as soon as possible.”

“Don’t call him that,” Lan Wangji sighs. “The cheer team will be practicing at the gym this afternoon. I’m heading there.” 

“I wonder,” Jin Zixuan says, chewing lazily on his lettuce. “What the fuck did he do to brainwash you like this. We hate cheerleaders. Noisy as hell.”

“Mn.”

The rest of the lunch was silent. Lan Wangji kept having flashbacks, pieces of his Friday meeting with Nie Huaisang. The boy’s last words were the ones that struck him the most: “The first thing he did when we heard about your gayness was canceling his Pop-The-Cherry party . I hated it, by the way. He’s been very stupid, and also very single lately. Just so you know.”

**

“A-Xian! Go!”

Lan Wangji was quiet when he opened the heavy gym door, entering the place and immediately seating at the furthest, highest row of the bleachers. No one seemed to notice him, which put him a little more at ease. He waited.

Wei Wuxian’s lean but strong form could be seen lifting up his arms and running, gaining speed before his hands were on the ground, body flying in the air, once, twice, three times in a row. Lan Wangji’s breath caught. He’d never actually paid attention to how risky cheering tumbling could get. When he thought the boy would stop, Wei Wuxian simply flipped backward and back-rolled in the opposite direction with a jump, earning praises and whistles from the team. Even Lan Wangji himself was stunned. When Wei Wuxian finally came to a halt, he’d practically crossed the huge gym extension, coming dangerously close to Lan Wangji’s spot. Turning around breathless, hands on his knees propping a round ass, tightened by red shorts, Wei Wuxian looked over his shoulder.

His huge, satisfied grin faltered at Lan Wangji’s sight, and the latter didn’t realize he’d been staring. Lan Wangji’s lips thinned into a line, but Wei Wuxian simply straightened himself and walked back to where his teammates were agglomerated, coach explaining something. They were being dismissed, practice over.

Lan Wangji’s anxiety levels crawled up again at the idea of soon speaking to Wei Wuxian, after so many days; he returned to his breathing exercises one more time. Wei Wuxian had seen him, so the protocol said he was probably going to stay a little behind if he’d be willing to listen to Lan Wangji. Those implicit social behavior rules you follow when in high school - one of which Lan Wangji had never actually understood, until that moment. But watching Wei Wuxian’s furtive glances at his direction, now and then, proved him right. Luo Qingyang shot Lan Wangji a deathly glare the moment she went through the opened gym door, which he politely ignored.

When there were only two people remaining, he stood up.

Wei Wuxian was still fumbling with something on his bag when Lan Wangji jogged a few rows down the bleachers, but a loud voice startled both.

“Wei Wuxian, hey,”

Wei Wuxian snapped his head around, brows furrowed in confusion while he stood up and hung the strap of the backpack against his shoulder. A small smile played on Wei Wuxian’s lips, his usual expression, but his eyes seemed nervous, switching between Lan Wangji and the smug figure of the boy who had called him, Xue Yang - a junior known for being trouble.

“Hey,” Wei Wuxian answered.

Lan Wangji went still, leaning against the banisters and turning to the other side, giving them privacy. He had never considered himself a curious person, but somehow, he was almost crawling out of his skin to know what the hell Xue Yang could possibly want from Wei Wuxian. He had an idea, though, considering the guy's fame, a natural trouble maker, worshipped by girls and boys, simply for being attractive and putting his appeal to good use.

There were countless, filthy stories about his attributes, and despite all the drug abuse, terrible grades, and vandalism, he was still considered a catch. Lan Wangji wasn’t fond of him at all.

From the distance, he couldn’t distinguish much of what was being said by the two students, so he allowed himself to turn the slightest bit around. Wei Wuxian’s eyes met his, and Lan Wangji didn’t understand what he saw there.

The boy looked away, and at that moment Lan Wangji noticed his hand was being held and kissed. His stomach dropped.

Lan Wangji’s body acted of his own accord; he jumped out the few remaining rows, reaching the gym’s floor, sneakers squeaking against it the closer he got to Wei Wuxian. Xue Yang gave Lan Wangji a sideways glance, before smirking at him and winking at Wei Wuxian, dropping his hand as he swagged away.

And then Lan Wangji was staring, once again, at Wei Wuxian. After so many days, there were just the two of them one more time. The boy swallowed, gaze following Xue Yang’s form before he blinked and looked in Lan Wangji’s eyes.

“Wei Wuxian,”

“Lan Wangji,” Wei Wuxian greeted him, and Lan Wangji couldn’t hold a small flinch at being called his courtesy name. It sounded all wrong coming from the boy’s mouth.

“I didn’t know,” Lan Wangji cleared his throat, hands hidden in his pockets. “You two were close.”

Wei Wuxian lifted an eyebrow, crossing his arms against his chest.

“You were never interested in knowing much about me, were you?” Wei Wuxian spat.

Lan Wangji held his breath, trying not to let his features show much. Wei Wuxian studied him, then looked down. "What do you want?”

He stepped a little closer, not even near Wei Wuxian’s personal space, but his heart still clenched when the other flinched, retreating.

“I’m here to apologize,” Lan Wangji explains. “About last week.”

“No need,” Wei Wuxian mumbled, kicking the ground absentmindedly. His voice sounded small but firm. “I was too much."

Lan Wangji opened his mouth to answer, but Wei Wuxian only kept going.

“You never gave me the space or permission, I never received anything from you I could have mistaken for affection. You’re always very polite, Lan Wangji. I created my own expectations, that’s all.”

“Wei Ying, I-” Lan Wangji gulped. Wei Wuxian’s words were too hard, too wrong. He didn't expect that. “I’m willing to go to prom with you. If. The offer still stands.”

Wei Wuxian looked up at him, clearly surprised. Blinking a few times, his eyes scrutinized Lan Wangji’s face; after a beat, he scoffed, shaking his head.

“Are you-,” his voice came out with a strange undertone. “Don’t fucking pity me.”

“I do not,” Lan Wangji urges. One of his hands flies from his pocket to run through his bangs, while he lets out an exasperated noise. “I don’t pity you. I could never.”

Wei Wuxian remained silent, staring as if searching for something. Then, he clicks his tongue and looks away, walking towards the gym door.

“Well, good,” he says, dismissive. “But I’m already going with someone now. No need to worry about me.”

Lan Wangji doesn’t follow him, glued to the spot. Being slapped in the face would feel easier, he considers. Wei Wuxian wasn’t available anymore. Of course. He was popular, funny, beautiful. He had taken a shot with the quarterback because he could. He wasn’t going to wait for Lan Wangji forever.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji called again, and Wei Wuxian stopped. “I understand. But are we good?”

Wei Wuxian took a while, again, shoulders shaking a little. When he turned around, his eyes were crinkled at the corners, a familiar smile splayed across his lips. He blinked slowly, assuringly.

“We are, Lan Zhan,” his voice is soft, not phony.

He’s being honest, Lan Wangji could tell, despite the new distance clearly put between them. He nods and Wei Wuxian leaves, high ponytail swaying side to side, as he turns around the corner. Lan Wangji’s limbs felt heavy, shoulders hurting from the tension he’d put on them all day without even noticing. After a while, a janitor comes in. Cracking his neck sideways, he leaves too, the weight of loss spreading through his chest like a drop of paint in the water.

**

“Ask someone! A girl, I don’t know,” Jin Zixuan points out, at the weekend, splayed out on Lan Wangji’s comfy rug. The latter pauses, tilting his head around to glare at his so-called friend from his desk chair.

Lan Wangji doesn’t say anything for a long, long time. Then he sighs, spinning around in the chair.

“I feel like I own gay people the right to see their quarterback with a man at prom,” he confesses. Jin Zixuan cocks an eyebrow. “It’s a weird feeling, I don’t expect you to understand it.”

“...Okay,” Jin Zixuan says, and after a few seconds staring at Lan Wangji’s expression, as if to check the seriousness of the statement, he shrugs. “I’ll just ask Mianmian.”

Lan Wangji glares.

“Are you that desperate?”

“What!”

“Zixuan,” Lan Wangji sighs, turning around to his notebook. “I need to finish homework. Please, see yourself out.”

**

The first game of the season had been good; their team scored high, Lan Wangji finishing it with no sore shoulder nor sprains on his overused hamstrings. He was, deliberately, putting all of his remaining energy into football, which earned him praises and promises from the coach in practice. Something about stouts, and college. Everything was fine. Most days, Lan Wangji couldn’t look at himself in the mirror.

His routine became a life jacket, any sign of change on it being seen as extremely inconvenient, almost physically painful. One day, his brother gently suggested he could be… Not so okay. He tried to find a reason for being so listless, once things were actually flowing in a great direction, but his therapist was the only one to identify he was, in fact, hurting.

After one session in complete silence, they agreed that he was dealing with loss, a feeling that triggered him to the point of apathy. He was missing something he thought he hated, something he took for granted. Wei Wuxian wasn’t hard to find anymore. On the contrary; Lan Wangji saw him every single day, but it was different. The boy remained loud, brilliant, smart as he’d always been, but their encounters boiled down to Wei Wuxian smiling politely at him, sometimes waving in greeting, weeks going by since Lan Wangji last heard the purring, familiar “Lan Zhan”.

Immediately after their last talk at the gym, Wei Wuxian became a hot topic for a few days, entangled in dating rumors with Xue Yang, being seen riding his car here and there. Lan Wangji tried not to think about it, life moving on and days went by so fast sometimes he sometimes felt nauseous. His last high school year was coming to an end, soon enough. All the prom races went quieter once everyone already had their respective dates. Lan Wangji decided not to attend after Jin Zixuan officially invited Luo QingYang and wasn't a loser anymore; he’d snuggled a pretty nice girl, even if not the one he wanted.

All the escaping had almost wiped Wei Wuxian from his mind, the feeling of loneliness being reduced to mere distress that would always choose to crawl over his head when he got to bed - no big deal. He went on to attend dinner with his brother every Friday, Nie Mingjuej and Meng Yao sometimes joining them; Nie Huaisang never showed up again. Things were fine. He hadn't touched himself in a whole month.

**

Lan Wangji’s controlled peace wavered one day, three weeks later, at the end of the season.
He was at his best, full energy focused on smashing, bumping, yanking, running at the field. His fingertips were hurt from all the catching they did on practice, not even one pitch loss. That day, the team would be playing home, the last playoff before prom, before finishing the whole school thing. He had beefed up, earning pounds of muscle and definition. Jin Zixuan was mesmerized.

“You look like an animal!” he praised. “We’re winning this shit in no time.”

Lan Wangji didn’t answer, but he also felt good, confident.

The drums and the noise from the crowds made him feel high as he walked in the field, looking down, focused. His teammates were vibrating in the same frequency, Song Lang patting his shoulder as they positioned themselves at the field boundaries. He felt strangely alive. Walking out of the locker rooms, he’d discreetly searched for Wei Wuxian.

Lan Wangji knew the boy would be dressed up in a way he liked, as he usually did for big games, a red ribbon fixed up in a huge bow, his flowing skirt even smaller than the shorts he wears for daily practices, shiny long hair falling against his back. Lan Wangji shook his head. Focus, he thought. As soon as he picked his helmet from the bench, though, a strong smell of spicy vanilla surrounded him, followed by giggles and the rustle of protuberant pompons shaking around.

“Lan Wangji! Smash them today! I put on my lucky ribbon for you!”

Lan Wangji looked to the side, and was so stunned at the sight, he froze. Wei Wuxian was standing in a fair distance, waving his fat pompon, exactly the way he pictured, even better.

Of course, he had seen him dressed up before; but today, he had the brightest choker around his neck, plain black velvet studded in strass that looked like vivid diamonds. The cheerleaders' tops were different for this game, a tight, long-sleeved cropped that marked their waists and put on a generous cleavage. Wei Wuxian’s ribbon was huge. His smile was even bigger. Lan Wangji only realized he was giving him a once-over when Wei Wuxian’s face fell shocked for a few seconds before he recomposed himself and grinned.

“Lan Wangji, is that a smile? You should try it more often! Looks nice on your pretty face,” he praised, giggled, and turned around. Only then, Lan Wangji realized his lips were slightly pursed, really softened in an undeniable smile.

The funniest sensation sprawled inside his chest. It had been a while since Wei Wuxian felt comfortable enough to flirt with him. Lan Wangji honestly thought that would never happen again. He'd resigned himself not to be noticed anymore, heart wrapped in a bunch of messy layers, settling with the idea that things were always going to be a little off, and that’d be it. That’d be okay. Those precious, quick seconds, though... Lit up a sparkle that was long gone. Someone slapped his elbow pad, and he blinked awake.

Lan Wangji felt so heated, he couldn’t help but grunt under his breath when the coach urged them on to toss the coin. When he crouched, surrounded by male energy and smelling sweat, hormones, and adrenaline, he already knew that game was won. They’d start kicking off.

It was a matter of time until the referee blew the whistle, and his mind went blank. His shoulder pads clanked, roughly pushed, but the ball was his; in seconds, he slid and ran.

They scored a touchdown before the second quarter, and the bleachers went down.

Lan Wangji couldn’t help a glance at the cheer’s routine. They always had a special one for Touchdowns or Field Goals, and this time, his gaze was magnetically drawn to Wei Wuxian.

The boy had just landed on the grass, perfectly, and returned his stare, panting hard, with the wide smile so characteristic of him. Lan Wangji didn’t even blink, a discreet smirk taking place as he ran back to be yanked and affectionately strangled by his teammates. At 46’, a Field Goal basically finished the game. There was no way the Heads could turn the score, they’d been smashed. Lan Wangji’s name was all over the crowd, and exhaustion was an unknown word. He could keep going for three more rows and he felt he could win them all.

The loud finishing whistle cut the air, two minutes of useless struggle on the field later.

Lan Wangji punched the air in front of him, taking off the smothering helmet to see, to properly take a look around. He spotted Lan Xichen easily, next to the benches. He was smiling with his eyes, hands clapping, so proud. The band got crazier, all the flyers on their bases’ shoulders, doing the full winning routine. Wei Wuxian had just done a full split jump, pompons raised high in the air when once again their eyes met.

Lan Wangji looked, truly stared, through being hugged and praised by his coach, through the congratulations of his teammates, the pats on his shoulder gear. He kept looking at Wei Wuxian, whose face got softer, somehow, gaze darker, eyes round. Lan Wangji gritted his teeth, jawline sharpening at the act, as he proceeded to dodge from the amount of people telling him things his ears were rejecting. His whole body was after something, the need to release accumulated energy causing him to dither from head to toe and back when he saw Wei Wuxian moving towards him too.

He let go of his helmet, uncaring, and moved, practically ran until a hand against his chest almost knocked him backward and woke him from his daze.

“Wangji,” he listened to his brother’s voice, louder than normal due to the noise. Reluctantly, he looked away from Wei Wuxian, who had stopped in his tracks, and faced Lan Xichen’s kind eyes. “Congratulations! What a game, huh?”

Lan Wangji huffed out a breath, obviously frustrated. The adrenaline of the playoff was there for him to blame, though, so he didn’t care to hide it. 

“Thanks, brother. I actually enjoyed it,” he answered, dryly. Lan Xichen curiously observed him.

“Lan Wangji! Good news for you, boy! Come here,” his coach’s voice reached him, and Lan Wangji knew he would not be free to pursue whatever it was he had in mind, so soon. He took a deep breath and let himself be led.

**

His cock hurt against the protective rubber shell, and he knew, from shifting on his feet, he would take a while in the showers. Luckily, so much of his time had been taken by his coach introducing him to sponsors and scouts, the locker room would be empty by now. He broke away from some tall man’s handshake and collected his helmet from where he dropped it. His shoulders were starting to hurt, body cooling down, but everything shook again when he spotted Wei Wuxian packing his pompoms in. There was no one else from the cheer team there, and still. He’d stayed behind. Lan Wangji’s heart raced almost vertiginously. He’d stayed behind.

The fear of seeing some layer that wasn’t there took him; Wei Wuxian could be waiting for him, yes, but he also could just be waiting for anyone else. He could have forgotten something. He walked closer, swaying a little from the heavy apparel, and Wei Wuxian immediately climbed to his feet, watching him. His hair wasn’t as neat as the beginning of the game, naturally, after one hour of jumping and dancing around. His cheeks were red, eyes big and shiny.

The boy seemed open, eager. Maybe a hint of curiosity surrounded his eyes while they scanned every move of the quarterback. But Lan Wangji decided not to push his luck.

He nodded at Wei Wuxian, softening his features as he remembered how the boy praised his almost non-existent smile.

He walked by really close, shoulders brushing against Wei Wuxian’s. In a spurt of madness, Lan Wangji propped his fingers out, deliberately touching the boy’s hand, a small, barely-there gesture of affection, only a drop of the fucking ocean that Lan Wangji held in his chest for the last weeks.

He kept going, steps not wavering a bit, and went down to the locker room, straight to the showers. His mind was still foggy from his previous boldness when he stared at his reflection in the huge dirty mirror, arms propped against the sink. He hoped Wei Wuxian hadn't taken his last actions badly. Or thought he was being too much; too invasive. There was plenty of space for him to walk through and he chose to touch him, to bump against him. There had been deliberately an act of confession, Lan Wangji’s mind insisted to scream.

I never received anything from you I could have mistaken for affection, Wei Wuxian had told him that day, at the gym.

When his jersey and shoulder pads were off, a noise caught his attention. He lifted his head, to come across a determined Wei Wuxian walking towards him, a firm look on his face; beholding the boy's fists clenched, for a second Lan Wangji was certain he was going to be punched.

“Wei Ying, I’m so-”

But then there were arms around his neck, a warm body against his chest, and sweet, plump lips being pressed against his. His body reacted easily, arms wrapping around the boy's thin waist as he parted his mouth and proceeded to ask for permission with his tongue against Wei Wuxian’s lips. Once he was in, Lan Wangji let out a deep sigh, as if parched, as if he’d finally found his oasis in the middle of a truly raw, lonely desert. 

Chapter Text

“It’s been a while since I saw you wearing this,” was Nie Huaisang’s first comment, not exactly directed at him, too focused on his cellphone. “That bad boy must really be something, huh?”

Wei Wuxian shivered, remembering exactly how he got his neck deliciously mauled, which was, definitely… A bad boy’s doing, only not Xue Yang’s. He fixed his red turtleneck, propping his elbows against the counter of the science lab, arms crossed. He didn’t answer.

Wei Wuxian couldn’t bring himself to tell anyone what happened after the playoff, how he ended up entangled with Lan Zhan for what felt like hours in a dirty bathroom stall, the noises he’d drawn out of the taller boy’s mouth when he rubbed his ass against his crotch. Heavy, deep grunts, their bodies rocking perfectly together, partially covered, almost getting there , Wei Wuxian almost getting his cherry fully popped in the goddamn locker rooms. No one had ever fucked his thighs before. And now that was something he couldn’t stop thinking about.
“How come you’re not shutting up about it?” Nie Huaisang finally looked at him. Wei Wuxian directed his gaze to the whiteboard in front of them. For a few seconds, he thought Nie Huaisang would just drop it if he pretended deafness, but that only fuelled the other’s curiosity.
“Ya, why are you being weird?”

“I just don’t wanna talk about it, it’s… Private,” Wei Wuxian answered, shrugging, and clearing his throat. When he flicked his eyes between the letters on the board he was pretending to read and Nie Huaisang’s’ face, the younger immediately stood up,

both hands cradling Wei Wuxian’s head to roughly oblige him to look into his eyes . Wei Wuxian tried to school his features, blinking innocently under Huaisang’s searching glare.

“What?” he dared to ask, eyes dodging on his own. His whole face burned.
Nie Huaisang let out a strangled noise, letting go of him, and covered his mouth. Wei Wuxian visibly flinched, biting his lip.

“Oh my god,” he whispered, stepping back dramatically and fucking grinning at Wei Wuxian’s lost face. “You whore!”
Literally saved by the beginning of the class, Wei Wuxian avoided looking at his friend. The other was dying from curiosity, but even Nie Huaisang cared about going to a great college and couldn't mess around in practical class. Finishing their notes, though, Wei Wuxian allowed himself to relax a little, blinking his tired eyes through the lab, until-

If his heart could leave his chest and explode in front of his face, it certainly would.

Lan Zhan’s profile flashed through the lab’s small window - not looking inside, but just… There. As if waiting. Not long later, Xue Yang’s shorter form walked by, and if Wei Wuxian stood up, he could swear the two were talking . He let out a desperate small noise, and Nie Huaisang immediately spotted who he was looking at. The latter’s mouth went slack.

“I can’t believe it,” he murmured, not to disturb the rest of the class. “Lan Wangji? Seriously? I thought you were over him!”
Wei Wuxian squeezed his eyes shut. He had no emotional basis to go through this all over again. He had planned to ignore Lan Wangji and Xue Yang until they’d graduated and left for college. That was his brilliant, big plan.

“Hey, are you okay?” Nie Huaisang cautiously asked, unsure. “Did… Did he hurt you? Was it, like, consensual?”

“Huaisang!” Wei Wuxian whispered back, louder, then immediately smiled apologetically when Boring Straight-Edge Sarah in front of them glared at him over her shoulder.

“No. I mean, yes, he didn’t force me or anything… I… I was the one who initiated it.”

“Oh my god,” Nie Huaisang whispered under his breath, blinking in astonishment. “Holy shit. Okay. But. Then why are you hiding?”

Wei Wuxian gulped, resting the test tube he was currently holding between his thumb and index finger on its support. He looked at the clock hanging on the main wall, and took off his gloves, rubbing both eyes roughly.

“It was… Intense, okay?” he said, quietly and so low Nie Huaisang had to lean closer. “I never felt something like that. He wasn't… Lan Zhan anymore, he became someone else and I,” he paused, sighing dramatically. “I liked it. I liked it so much I think I’m ruined for any other guy.”

Nie Huaisang’s face gained a sly expression, eyes narrowing as he smirked.

“The quiet ones, huh?” he clicked his tongue, not waiting for Wei Wuxian’s answer. “So, why are you freaking out? Wasn’t that what you wanted?”

Wei Wuxian bit his already swollen lip.

“He was - everything was really good, but honestly, I guess he was heated from the game. I- I literally threw myself at him. Lan Zhan already made it pretty clear he doesn’t… He doesn’t like me, whatever.”

“Your affections,” Nie Huaisang joked, an imitation of Lan Wangji’s polite and mannered way of speaking. Wei Wuxian rolled his eyes. “I think you should talk.”

“Well, fuck that. I’m not ready to be turned down again,” he blurted out, not even thinking before saying it.
Nie Huaisang gave him a fond look, as the bell rang and he freed himself from the protection glasses and latex gloves.

“We don’t know if that’s going to happen, dear,” Nie Huaisang reasoned. “After all, you two did hook up.”
“And that only makes me some junior he fucked. Period.” Wei Wuxian explained as if it wasn’t obvious. “You know he’s all righteous and shit, so he probably is feeling forced and wanting to die because etiquette says he must be nice . I don’t want him to pity me.”

Nie Huaisang rolled his eyes, patronizingly, something only he managed to do. “Ok, I get it, but maybe you should listen to him first, before jumping to soo many conclusions,”

“And there’s Xue Yang,” Wei Wuxian remembered.

“And there’s him, yes. You don’t wanna piss that one, this I know. Just dump him already and go to prom with me! We both know you only accepted this random invitation because you were being bitchy,” Nie Huaisang elbowed him, as they gathered their books to leave.

Wei Wuxian sighed.

“I hate you when you’re right, you know?”

Nie Huaisang winked, catching his wrist.

“I do. Now let’s go, and don’t do anything stupid, for god’s sake.”

**

Lan Wangji had never been on such an emotional rollercoaster before.

He used to be proud of his self-control, discipline, and of being honest with his feelings; therapy taught him it was okay to be sad, happy, exhausted. He’d never struggled about his emotions, no mental health issues, nor similar. But something seemed to have changed for him in this area, in the last few months. If he knew getting out of the closet would cause him to completely lose control over his life, he’d have given it a deeper thought. If he knew accepting someone in his life could throw years of therapy to waste, he wouldn’t have allowed himself to let Wei Wuxian in so easily. But giving it a deeper thought, did he actually have any chance? The boy was a force of nature. 

Leaning against the wall out of the lab, Lan Wangji let out a long breath, tightening one hand at the strap of his backpack, and clenching the other in a fist hidden inside his pocket.

He was now standing in front of Wei Wuxian’s classroom, like a ridiculous craving boyfriend , attempting to corner the boy so they could talk. About. Whatever it was that happened. Lan Wangji was confused. He didn’t know how the post-hook-up agenda worked.

It wasn’t like him to do this. Wei Wuxian had been his first make out - and things had already been messy. The annoying squeak of worn-out sneakers on the linoleum floor caught his attention, just in time to have Xue Yang's dull smirk flashing in front of him.

“Lan Wangji,” he greeted, in a sneering tone. “This is the second time I see you around when I’m trying to reach Wei Ying. Should I worry?”

Lan Wangji set his jaw. He was being openly mocked, probably the singular thing he hated most in the world. His brain didn’t process sarcasm well, nor irony, and that was all the language Xue Yang apparently knew how to speak. He chose his words wisely; even though he loathed the other, Lan Wangji knew he wasn’t exactly in his most righteous place.

“We might have some issues to discuss, yes,” he answered, dryly.

Xue Yang opened his mouth, but any further interaction was interrupted by the bell ringing out loud, propping students out of the classrooms, flooding the corridors.

He immediately shifted his focus. Lan Wangji’s eyes followed his predatory gaze, and it wasn’t long until he saw Wei Wuxian’s high ponytail swaying next to Nie Huaisang’s smaller form. The former smiled politely as he spotted Xue Yang - something was maybe off about it, but not quite noticeable. Lan Wangji’s insides churned. Suddenly, he felt like an intruder, watching a private moment even though they were in public.

The strongest fear that Wei Wuxian was ashamed of him, of what they’d done, possessed him. He spun around the second Nie Huaisang saw him, the boy’s eyes going wide. Lan Wangji walked away at the most controlled pace he could manage; he wasn’t running away.

Their acts from Friday were a little blur in Lan Wangji’s mind. He realized the second his brain wandered back, his chest would constrict in shame, and started to avoid thinking about it. All Lan Wangji knew was that he needed to understand what was going on if things would change from now on. His therapist always mentioned dialogue could be the easiest way. He had committed to trying.

What could he do to fix it? Did he need to apologize again? Was Wei Wuxian hurt, or sad, or maybe disappointed again? Lan Wangji remembered vividly that the moment he had Wei Wuxian in his arms, he’d lost control.

Taking in the boy’s covered neck as he went out of the classroom was a display of how bad it got. Lan Wangji remembered the sensations; Wei Wuxian’s round, full ass grinding against him, his silky hair roughly entangled between his fingers. Lan Wangji remembered he pulled hard, not exactly caring.

“If you stop, I’ll bite you again,” he’d whispered, in a daze, directly into the boy’s ear. Wei Wuxian whined, probably scared and threatened, and...Stopped the wiggling. Lan Wangji had bitten him until he tasted copper.

He remembers pushing his tight pants down and smearing pre-come all over Wei Wuxian’s naked ass, the boy’s red shorts pooling around his ankles, skirt high up his waist. He remembered tasting Wei Wuxian’s cum, kissing him deeply, whispering how much he wanted to fuck him. Until Wei Wuxian was gone, running away from his embrace to grab his backpack and leave, not looking back.
Lan Wangji tried to call him, but the other had been nowhere nearby the time he tucked himself in and hurried out, finding nothing but an empty field, trash all over the bleachers, and the high he got from winning long gone.

Lan Wangji almost grunted in relief when he slumped inside his car and controlled his breath. When the door slammed shut, he felt a little less exposed, even knowing it was only in his head. He wasn't going to impose anything else on Wei Wuxian. He wouldn't be able to deal with himself if he hurt the other again, a sore sensation of being wrong, dirty, sick, already eating him alive. He'd done enough.

**

Once out of the lab, Wei Wuxian blinked dumbly.

“Did Lan Zhan just… run?” he asked, to anyone specifically.

“Well, I don’t know if that’s considered run once he’s a fucking quarterback, but he definitely walked VERY fast,” Nie Huaisang answered, before turning in the opposite direction, waving lazily. “Which is exactly what I’m also gonna do too. See ya!”

“Probably had a migraine from not being the center of attention,” Xue Yang scoffed and shrugged his jacket, putting a possessive arm around Wei Wuxian’s shoulders. That was a common behavior between them now, but upon hearing the shade, Wei Wuxian held his wrist out and dislodged himself from the embrace.

  “What are you talking about,” he mumbled, rushing his steps.
 
“Yah, just kidding. No need to be that sensitive, c’mon,” Xue Yang followed close, laughing grimly. Having his back to him while walking away, Wei Wuxian didn’t realize the smile slid from the older boy’s face in a beat, a grim expression suddenly taking over his features.

Chapter Text

Prom week arrived too soon, in Wei Wuxian’s opinion.
He still hadn’t managed to dump Xue Yang, hoping the boy would get sick of him first; he’d been playing dumb and frigid, not even wanting to kiss him nor hold hands in public. Whenever Xua Yang asked, he’d say he just wasn’t feeling so good, blamed “stuff at home”. They both knew it was a blatant lie. Still, Xue Yang showed no signs of letting go.

Wei Wuxian was aware of the fact he was being a coward; at the same time, he recognized all the fantasies he made up of Lan Wangji taking him to prom were stupid. For fear of being lonely, he clung to the nearest option, unable to fully let Xue Yang go.

What would Lan Wangji think if he suddenly didn’t show up for prom after proudly announcing he was going with someone? The whole situation gave him so much shame, not even Jiang Yanli had heard about it. Nie Huaisang and Lan Wangji were the only ones to watch him stroll around school arms crossed with a boy that knew nothing about his recent shenanigans.

Alongside that, Wei Wuxian had never popped so many random boners in his life. Whenever he's calmly watching a movie, a boring class, or even during lunch, listening to his friend's gossip, the memory of Lan Wangji’s huge hands clenching around his hips and pulling him against his crotch just shadow his mind, causing him to blush and look down immediately as if anyone around could tell his dirty thoughts. Nie Huaisang would grin meanly at him, sometimes - when he caught that movement -, but said nothing. Wei Wuxian would usually try to breathe slowly, sending his mind somewhere disgusting, so he could calm his dick down.

As for Lan Wangji, Wei Wuxian only caught glimpses of him. Football season was over, so they had no more Practice-Friday together; even the cheer team was on recess already, everyone focused on prom. All things considered, the quarterback seemed to be purposefully avoiding Wei Wuxian, though. It was rare to even bump shoulders with the guy in the corridors. He tried not to think much about it. Wei Wuxian was the one who had left, after all. He had… He was with someone else, a publicized fact.

Truth be told, Wei Wuxian hated all his recent choices. The way he impulsively acted turned his precious Lan Zhan into a mere affair; he didn’t want Lan Wangji to feel like what they shared had meant nothing, but at the same time, he was so scared to go out in the open again. The mere thought of another rejection caused him to clench his stomach. Wei Wuxian usually played cool, but deep inside he was a very romantic and docile person, always having to be careful not to put his heart on his sleeve for the ones he loved.

**

Wei Wuxian was everywhere.
Lan Wangji was stunned about how the boy seemed omnipresent, even in their terribly big campus. After that Monday, he’d decided not to push. He decided to give Wei Wuxian his space, instead of trying again; if the boy didn’t come for him, that meant he'd have to deal with all that on his own. Lan Wangji promised himself never to put Wei Wuxian in distress again.

He could endure it better, he assumed; the rejection, the shame, the frustration, and most of all, the fondness that daily grew in his heart. He had never actually stopped to appreciate the other boy. The fear of having someone so free-spirited getting too close for comfort denied him a great part of it.

He spent so much time pretending to be annoyed by the other, that when he started to secretly watch Wei Wuxian leaving the school hallway from his car, he felt incredibly silly. The boy had a crushing aura, an authentic smile, every move so smooth he always seemed to be floating around something ou someone.
Lan Wangji came to the realization that all this time he’d been scared to look; to properly see that beautiful human being that made himself available to him, with the fear of never coming back from the deep grey abyss of his mirthful eyes. He’d been slowly understanding that the pull on his heart whenever he saw Wei Wuxian was actually a growing flame, almost an addiction, something closer to what he’d read in books. Wei Wuxian lived rent-free in his mind, and all he could do now was wait.

Wait for, someday, the younger to remember him again, acknowledge his presence as he did in the past, stare directly at him with the same shining gaze he had on the day of the game, instead of looking at his shoes whenever they accidentally ran into each other.

Or wait for this fever to slow down, so he could go on and pretend nothing happened. But his heart had been screaming for just a little bit, just a little quiver - one sign and he’d feel at ease to at least approach Wwx again.

**

Prom took no time in arriving, and Lan Wangji had agreed to go with Jin Zixuan - the latter was a bunch of nerves, even with a proper date; maybe because Mianmian scary, indeed, but also maybe because she was his ex-middle school-girlfriend, and things could get intense between them, sometimes. Which meant she could kick his shins and leave anytime.
Lan Wangji only agreed with the absurd for two reasons:

1) He didn’t care about going by himself; prom was a valid and important rite;

2) Deep down, he’d like to see Wei Wuxian one more time before graduation, before flying away to the other side of the country to attend college.

Lan Wangji found himself in front of the large mirror of his bedroom, fiddling with his tie. He had a full black-tie look on, satin lapels and all. Even not being a huge fan of dark clothes, he liked to dress like this; it gave him a mature aura, something he'd been pursuing for a long time in his early teens, even before the growth spree. Lan Wangji enjoyed being responsible, stern, neatly dressed - an adult, or his own vision of one. He stared at his reflection, attempted a small smile, turned around. As if on drugs, his brain drifted without his consent to a boy's room, a few blocks away. He wondered what would Wei Wuxian be doing now. What was he wearing? Was he taking pictures for later? Lan Wangji hated being photographed, but he’d definitely agree on a picture by Wei Wuxian’s side.

Lan Wangji was quickly summoned back by the insistent buzz of his phone. He picked up.

“Where are you,”

“I’m heading to school now,” Lan Wangjij answered. Meanwhile, he grabbed his wallet and his car keys. “Going in early, once I have no one to wait for.”

Jin Zixuan clicked his tongue from the other side of the line.

“I’m not gonna feel sorry for you, you ironic bastard. You know I hate waiting. She’s not even answering me to say if I should pick her up or not!”

Lan Wangji sighed deeply.

“You were the one who chose an ex-girlfriend over your best friend. I’m hanging up. See you soon,” not waiting for an answer, Lan Wangji ended the call and tucked his phone in his pocket.

He exchanged a few words with his brother downstairs, who knew better than to ask him to pose for any pictures.

“Try at least one with the official photographer there?” Lan Xichen still tried. He nodded, but both knew that wasn’t likely to happen.

**

Wei Wuxian felt like a star.
He was truly cute, hair carefully braided to the side, skin smooth as silk, eyeliner on point, and the gown Madam Yu got done for him was the most amazing thing he’d ever thought about wearing.
He sought inspiration for a long time, before running into a gown mixed into a tux, all black velvet. The upper half was like a normal tuxedo, bow tie and all, but the rest of it was a long and full skirt, its cufflinks gathering Wei Wuxian a look of pure androgyny. He loved it.
He pondered over red lipstick and definitely went for it when he remembered that could work as a nice excuse to avoid kissing Xue Yang. He sighed, remembering his date was already downstairs.

“Time to look pretty,” he whispered to his reflection in the mirror, winking and blowing a kiss, before heading out.

**

The moment Wei Wuxian stepped through the wide ornated doors, Lan Wangji knew he had to leave. He stood up suddenly, and Jin Zixuan just had the time to push him hard, back to his chair.

“Don’t even think about it,” his friend snarled.

Jin Zixuan looked over his shoulder, but he already knew what had put Lan Wangji in such a state. It was a rare condition, after all. Wei Wuxian had his large smile decorated with a deep red lipstick. His hair was neatly arranged on a long side braid, and his outfit was… Exquisite, to say the least. Not a tux, but not a dress. A kind of black velvety gown. Unfortunately, everything worked so well together not even Jin Zixuan held back a full stare.

“Okay, he looks good. So what? You do too!” Jin Zixuan hissed in a low voice. “Let go of the turning tables thing, pride is against the Lan’s rul-”

He got interrupted by Luo Qingyang, who was really close. Her eyebrows did something funny, before she launched, nonchalant, looking between the two boys.

“So, you and Wei Ying…”

Lan Wangji didn't even let her finish, almost jumping out of the chair to cross the room. Jin Zixuan sighed audibly behind him, already getting into a full discussion with his date about being nosy. The punch tastes terrible, but he’s already decided to go for its table - the drink has no alcohol in it and is his only cue to get far away from Wei Wuxian.

Arriving in line, he wonders if the girl in front of him can hear how loud his heart is pounding against his chest, almost hurting his ribcage. Lan Wangji kneads his temples with his thumb and index finger for a while before is his turn to be served.

With his acrylic cup filled to the brim, he sips it a little, only to be able to turn around without spilling anything; in a careless move, his eyes swept through the huge gym, tonight turned into a ballroom, only to land directly on a pair of silver globes he’d planned to avoid all night long. Lan Wangji froze; he could barely gulp the huge swig taken from the punch. Wei Wuxian was standing not too far away from him, the distance seemingly bigger only due to the number of people gathered between them.

Straightening his back, Lan Wangji gave him a small nod, almost inconspicuous. A strange, but familiar expression permeated Wei Wuxian’s face as if he was lost. He usually was a very expressive boy, but tonight all Lan Wangji could see was a slightly slack mouth, and big, huge eyes. With a shiver down his spine, he understood what was so familiar about it. That was the exact same way Wei Wuxian had stared at him on the game day, before... Well, everything.

When The Incident happened, it was like they lived in their own bubble-wrapped world. Wei Wuxian’s eyes were so bright, so hopeful. Lan Wangji didn’t know what his own face showed, but right then he felt bereft. He wanted so much. How did things get so messy for them? Why did he push Wei Wuxian away by being this enraged and sick person, who had an urge to distance himself from the ones he cared for?

Lan Wangji was summoned back from his self-loathing when a shoulder bumped hard against him, causing his drink to fall all over his dark jacket, spilling on the white shirt underneath.

"I’m sorry! Oh, shit, so sorry, here, take it,” a girl Lan Wangji had never seen apologized profusely, hands covering her mouth. She quickly handled him a bunch of napkins, then waltzed away with an apologetic smile.

Lan Wangji sighed. It was an expense fucking tux.

He took his time trying to clean up the white shirt, thanking himself for not choosing the light blue option he’d seen when he purchased this one. When he dared to look back for Wei Wuxian, he didn’t find him anywhere, as if vanished in the air. Frustrated and still a bit dazed, he came back to the table, glass only half full, and Jin Zixuan glared at him.
“Seriously, what’s wrong with you,” he mumbled, leaning towards Lwj. “Are you insane? You two were eye fucking each other in the middle of the room? What’s going on.”

That startled him. Lan Wangji opened his mouth, but decided against it and merely frowned.

“We were not,”

“Mianmian practically squeaked here, she’s close to Wei Wuxian, you know that,” Jin Zixuan huffed a breath, propping an elbow against the table. He shook his head. “Now they’re all together gossiping about something. The cheer team. About you, probably,” he added the last sentence just because he couldn’t help being an asshole, Lan Wangji knew. He watched Jin Zixuan’s profile for a while, before standing up again.

The other looked up, about to complain, but Lan Wangji’s glare silenced him.

“You can be quite insufferable sometimes, do you know that?” he calmly dropped, getting his car keys.

“What are you doing? No, no, no, don’t even consider going home!” Jin Zixuan pleaded, but Lan Wangji had had enough for the night.

“I’ll go clean myself first. My hands are still terribly... Sticky,” he said, disgusted. “And then, yes, I’m going home. Goodbye.”

He didn’t pay attention to any more of Jin Zixuan’s protests and curses, heading straight to the men’s room.

**
“Oh my god, A-xian!”

“Stop!”

The girls were all gathered around Wei Wuxian, Luo QingYang with her hands on her hips and a sly smile on her pretty lips.

“Why don’t you just drop that good for nothing and go for it with Lan Wangji?” she asked. “Honestly, if I had realized before, I wouldn't have been rude when he asked about practice.”

Wei Wuxian rolled his eyes.

“Girls. Girls! Listen, hahah. Xue Yang can be a little off standard, but he’s nice to me. Lan Zhan is hot, but that’s all he is, okay? I never know what he’s thinking, and he already ditched me in front of the whole school, I mean. Why would that weirdo stare at me like that if not to kill me?” a sequence of laughter exploded on the girls’ side. Wei Wuxian shrugged.

“Besides, I don’t know if he can actually have a conversation! He doesn’t even talk, mostly snarling at everyone. How could anyone spend one single afternoon with him? Please.”
Wei Wuxian was a showman; when trapped, he used to give everyone around him what they wanted. He believed so little in his own words, a sour taste remained in his mouth after saying it. He smiled, anyway, looking down at his hands. Lan Wangji was so much more than anything he would ever deserve. Wei Wuxian could blush by only recalling how lucky he’d been to be able to borrow the quarterback’s precious time back on that fateful day.

The group giggled louder, some nodding in agreement, others disagreeing and explaining among themselves how untrue that was - some actually argued that it might be accurate, but they’d do him anyway.

Suddenly, he felt actually sick; but it only got worse when the noise stopped completely, and a tall figure casually walked by. Wei Wuxian widened his eyes, only catching a glimpse of Lan Wangji’s pale face before he understood. Shit. Lan Zhan was too close. Too soon.

Chapter Text

In a second, Wei Wuxian found himself once more chasing after Lan Wangji. His gown was heavy, and there were a lot of people clustering the narrow corridor. He cursed under his breath, holding his skirt up with both hands while looking around until he reached the restroom.

He’d lost the tall figure in a heartbeat, but that was possibly the only place he might be, once the long corridor showed no other doors. When Wei Wuxian made it to enter, he stopped. Maybe that would be too much, again. If Lan Zhan needed to go in, he could wait for him to come out. So he patiently waited for a few good minutes, biting his black manicured nails with his mind running wild until Lan Wangji's broad shoulders cut the shadow of light coming out of the restroom and Wei Wuxian’s head snapped up. He blinked, straightening his back and brushing invisible dirt from his gown.

The other stopped in his tracks. Lan Wangji frowned, a confused expression taking his beautiful features for a while. Wei Wuxian cleared his throat. 

“Lan Wangji,” he greeted as if he hadn't moaned the other’s birth name on that stall, for hours on end after the game. “Can we talk?” 

Lan Wangji clearly almost took a step back. His eyes scrutinized Wei Wuxian’s features thoroughly, but after a while, he nodded. Wei Wuxian smiled weakly, then went slowly down the packed corridor, turning at the first right aisle, until they reached an empty, unlocked classroom. 

He faltered at the door; Wei Wuxian knew what that could implicate. Xue Yang was waiting for him at the decorated gym, which now turned into a ballroom. But Lan Wangji was right there. And something told him he’d keep coming after this stern, quiet guy no matter what. Why do you do that , a voice in his head pondered, before being sent to the back of his consciousness. 

The thing was: the moment he recalled Lan Wangji’s drawn eyebrows, the way his beautiful eyes did not even meet his, the harsh words he hated himself for letting out... There wasn’t much doubt left. 

Wei Wuxian opened the classroom, and Lan Wangji came right in, stopping in front of the large windows, his back to Wei Wuxian, who stood there for a while, before closing the door. The room was dark, but moonlight and the lights from the streets gave it serene blue and yellow shadows. It wasn't like they were hiding, but Wei Wuxian felt no need to turn on the lights. He leaned against the doorframe for a while, and, still staring at Lan Wangji’s large back, perfectly fitted on his tux, his fingers ran to the door lock, slowly. 

The sonorous click from something being sealed seemed to echo through the empty classroom, causing Wei Wuxian to flinch; even from afar, he also saw Lan Wangji’s figure stand even more still, only moving his head slightly to the side, as if to glance over his shoulder. That minimal locking noise meant they were alone again, in private, in a closed classroom.

Wei Wuxian knew he was the one supposed to initiate the talk but his throat felt dry and scratchy. He took a deep breath, shook his head. He was no good at this, fuck. 

“Lan Zhan,” he started, voice unsteady, and cursed softly when he realized he’d again switched to Lan Wangji’s given name. Too late for that. They were alone, after all. And there were more important things to discuss. “I wanted to apologize. For what I just said. I know you’ve probably heard.” 

Lan Wangji finally turned around, taking a moment to analyze the nervous form in front of him, still quiet. The silence caused Wei Wuxian to become more anxious. He took a few steps forward, getting closer, but still far from Lan Wangji’s personal space, and bit his lip.

“I-I also wanted to say that I am sorry for that day-” 

Lan Wangji immediately held a hand in front of him, clearly a request for him to shut up. Wei Wuxian went silent.

“It’s fine,” Lan Wangji answered, his tone honest. “I'm the one who's sorry that we couldn’t talk. After. Everything,” he cleared his throat. “You have no reason to apologize to me. I understand your remoteness. I would have probably done the same. I deeply regret it.”

Wei Wuxian’s eyes widened. 

His heart almost stopped beating in fear his suspicions were correct and Lan Wangji had only been with him because of hormones and adrenaline, but as the quarterback continued, the movement in his chest took a whole new meaning. 

“You don’t have to be afraid of me, I’m not going to hurt you. Forgive me for staring just now,” Lan Wangji was looking at him so openly, Wei Wuxian’s knees weakened. He didn’t like the way this speech was going. “I know I am not the most interesting person, but I-”

“No, Lan Zhan…” 

“But I’d have tried, for you. I could. Hold a conversation,” Lan Wangji’s eyebrows were furrowed as if he was concentrating really hard. His ears were pink, and for the first time, Wei Wuxian had the impression he was uncomfortable in his own skin. He hated himself for putting Lan Wangji in this state. 

“I’ve been trying to talk to you, but I understand you were unwilling. If things were different, I would. I would have worked hard to provide you with a nice afternoon. I sincerely apologize for what I’ve done that day, for scaring you away. I don’t know what happened to me.” 

Wei Wuxian shut his eyes tightly. His eyes were prickling, and he was about to cry, but that wasn’t fair. He had no right. Wei Wuxian was so focused on the consequences of his own mistakes he didn’t even pay attention to what exactly Lan Wangji was apologizing for. 

“Lan Zhan. No . I’m the one who’s sorry. I don’t agree with all those stupid things I said, I’m really dumb, don’t you know that by now?” he shook his head, hands trembling. Wei Wuxian could not believe he had caused that to someone he cared for so deeply. He took a few more steps, personal space to be damned.

The misunderstanding hit Lan Wangji so deep he thought he deserved to be looked down on. Wei Wuxian had to fix it. 

“Lan Zhan. I think you’re so amazing, it hurts,” he gave a small, mirthless laugh, shoulders hunched. “I couldn’t say in front of everyone that I’m actually in love with you because that would be so pathetic,” he almost rubbed the palms of his hands against his eyes, but quickly remembered he had full eye makeup on.

“I hate how I behave around you, I’m always so clumsy, fuck,” Wei Wuxian muttered, looking at an old stain on the floor, then at the windows past Lan Wangji’s shoulders. Anywhere.

“You are so perfect. You are- when I first heard that you,” Wei Wuxian lifted his red-rimmed eyes, not knowing how to continue, but wishing nothing less than to stop, Lan Wangji’s soft, surprised expression prompting him to go on. 

“When I first heard you liked guys, and that maybe, just maybe, I could have a chance, I didn’t think properly. I overdid it, I thought if I didn’t approach you soon, someone would do it. I’m sorry that I harassed you, I’m not good at being classy. I should have known you’d never want something cheesy like what I did in your locker.”

Lan Wangji was completely silent. His eyes shifted through Wei Wuxian’s pained face.

“The day of the game, I don’t regret it. At all,” He added, silver pale orbs locking with golden, slightly quivering ones. It was almost physically impossible not to flick his eyes away, but Wei Wuxian fought hard. He owed Lan Wangji that.

“I shouldn’t have run away when all I wanted the most was to stay. With you.”

So, here it is, he thought. Out for everyone to see, one more time, Wei Wuxian’s feelings and thoughts and mistakes, splayed in front of them. 

He felt a little breathless after the rant, and the sudden boldness broke apart too. His gaze fell again. From this distance, Lan Wangji’s shiny dress shoes were on display, so close to his gown’s hem. He waited, not trusting his own breath to get him to speak properly anymore.

When Lan Wangji spoke, his voice was calm. 

“Wei Ying,” he sounded careful, fists clenched at his sides. “It was never about the proposal. I was afraid you’d only toy me. I don’t like casual things,” Lan Wangji cleared his throat. 

“And I’ve heard. A few things about you. Then you left, and I thought… I had done something that wasn’t of your liking, or that it was how you usually did these things. These... Hookups.”

Wei Wuxian frowned, his chest moving fast with how hard he was breathing.

“What do you mean?” 

Lan Wangji pondered, taking a while. Wei Wuxian could almost see through him, his beautiful brain searching for a way to pick the right words.

“I thought you did that to everyone,” Lan Wangji explained, still so careful. “The flirting. The things we did. I wasn't…special.” 

He didn’t catch the dangerous glimpse in Wei Wuxian’s eyes, vanished by his last sentence. At first, he’d been slightly pissed. Lan Wangji made so many assumptions about him. But he wasn’t in the mood to pick up a fight, he was so tired of the whole situation - and honestly, deep down Lan Zhan was right.  Wei Wuxian wasn’t himself when it mattered to his public life; most people would never believe if he said he’s still - mostly - a virgin. The only person to ever touch him intimately beside himself had been his Lan Zhan.

He just didn’t care about the kiss and tell, and the guys he snuck with would usually increase the whole thing. Wei Wuxian actually enjoyed being seen as someone he wasn't, exactly, just for the sake of fooling everyone. People could talk, but only about a phony version of him, so it wouldn't matter if they said nasty things. That couldn't affect him. He ruminated through this for almost a whole minute, Lan Wangji's blinks becoming faster - probably nervous. 

Wei Wuxian appreciated that fact for a bit, tilting his head to the side. He knew what to do now.

“You’d like to be special?” he let out, a faint shadow of hope floating around the words. 

Lan Wangji shifted, looking down, hands hidden in his pockets.

“People don’t usually like me, Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji confessed, almost inaudible. “They admire me. They talk about me. But they don’t like me. They have no ambitions to know me. I didn’t want to be a trophy. Then I hurt you, and I felt terrible.” 

Wei Wuxian was starting to suspect he still remained very much oblivious to the extent of what Lan Wangji had been confessing.

“You’d never be a trophy to me,” he hurried to explain, eyes glued to Lan Wangji's face, still not liking where this was going.

“Wei Ying,”

“I…” Wei Wuxian didn’t know what to say. He realized now he was hearing the confessions of a very lonely person; someone so aloof, to the point of getting enclosed by the cage he himself built. “I definitely want to know you. I- I mean it with all my heart.”

Out of a sudden, he also realized they were on the same side this time. 

He’d used ~the L word, and Lan Wangji didn’t run away. He was a very honest person - in that Wei Wuxian could trust, for personal experience. If he was still there… If he hadn’t argued against Wei Wuxian’s dripping honey confession… What the hell was he doing, standing so far away from Lan Zhan?

Wei Wuxian took the few remaining steps closer, smiling when he saw Lan Wangji go still. So silly. Didn’t seem like the guy who gave him all those bruises before. When Wei Wuxian raised the hand aimed to cup the back of Lan Wangji's neck, the other held his wrist. Lan Wangji lifted his chin, and Wei Wuxian tensed. Those golden eyes were dark, restrained. They flicked to Wei Wuxian’s mouth for brief seconds before returning up.

“Lan Zhan? What is it?” 

“We can’t. I can’t. I’m sorry,” Lan Wangji said, letting him go, and stepped back, knocking against the huge teacher's desk. “I was just gonna do it again.”

Wei Wuxian raised an eyebrow. “What?” 

“Wei Ying,” he called, a severe tone in his voice. “Why aren't you paying attention to the fact that I’ve hurt you? That wasn’t a one-time thing. I can do it again,” his jaw clenched, watching Wei Wuxian mindlessly wet his lips. “I’m very much controlling myself not to do it right now.”

Wei Wuxian was so confused he was pretty sure his face was all scrunched up.

“Lan Zhan, what the hell are you talking about?” he shifted closer again, quickly blocking Lan Wangji’s way with his own body when he suddenly tried to walk past him. 

“I thought we were… Speaking the same language here,” chest to chest now, Wei Wuxian’s gaze fell from the other boy’s eyes to his adam’s apple, which moved up then down. Wei Wuxian bit his lower lip. He was already feeling heated all over, the heavy gown not helping at all. 

Lan Wangji was still motionless, betrayed only by the quick rise of his chest.

Wei Wuxian’s hooded eyes moved up, staring shamelessly at Lan Wangji’s full lips. He leaned forward, almost tiptoeing, and his hands touched Lan Wangji’s chest, seeking support.  Their lips were so close they were already exchanging warmth, and Lan Wangji closed his eyes, fists still firmly clenched at his sides. Wei Wuxian simply observed his reactions. He was getting fully convicted Lan Wangji wanted him back. Maybe as much as he did. And that had been the sign he hoped for, for so long. Nothing would fucking stop him now, he thought, not even if Xue Yang himself entered through that classroom and called him the sluttiest of sluts, he didn't care. 

Seeing Lan Wangji in so much heat for him, Wei Wuxian felt thirsty, anxious, the powerful anticipation fueling his arousal, which always caused him to act recklessly and with pure abandon for himself. 

“Lan Zhan, I’m here. Don’t push me away again, please,” they were so close every word slowly whispered by Wei Wuxian caused their lips to touch slightly. 

“Look at me. How can you think I didn't want it… Didn't want you? I was glad you marked me so I would have something of you in me, something I couldn’t wash away. Would you please, just-”

Suddenly, Lan Wangji ducked his head in one swift move, wrapping his arms around Wwx’s thin waist and almost squeezing him breathless with want. Their lips connected painfully, but Wei Wuxian’s whine was one of pure pleasure. It took no time for their tongues to entangle in a furious, delicious dance, Lan Wangji letting out a hoarse puff of air. In another sudden move, he spun them around urgently, hoisting Wei Wuxian up to seat at the table he previously knocked his leg against. 

Wei Wuxian let out a surprised little whimper at being manhandled, but spread his legs to accommodate Lan Wangji as soon as his rear touched the wooden desk. It was an unfortunate move, somehow; they ended up fighting Wei Wuxian’s fat gown, not wanting to leave each other’s mouths, but still seriously separated by the thick fabric. Lan Wangji unwillingly parted their lips, bending his knees to reach the hem of the heavy skirt, finally pulling it up across Wei Wuxian’s lap. 

Wei Wuxian’s hands reached for him again, skimming across the longer bangs on Lan Wangji’s neck, lips parted, panting against the other’s ear.  Lan Wangji cursed under his breath, before leaning forward and pinning Wei Wuxian’s body against the table, their crotches inevitably meeting in a firm press that got both gasping. 

“Lan Zhan…” Wei Wuxian whispered, a smile plastered on his face, as Lan Wangji started moving above him, a steady rhythm, and he wished they didn’t have that many clothes, 

he wished there wasn’t a whole party outside, that could be just the two of them rocking together, kissing furiously, for hours and hours on end.

Chapter Text

They didn’t last much.

Lan Wangji now watched his disheveled face in the mirror, hair sticking everywhere. His bow tie in complete disarray, and a ghost of a smile on his red, plush lips. His expression seemed softer even for himself. Wei Wuxian had done that. They had done that. 

The promises they made shortly before leaving the classroom still tingled in his ears, the powerful, dazed look in the other boy’s eyes taking away any concerns. Lan Wangji held him, this time. He held him and kissed his bruised thighs, the ones Wei Wuxian pleaded him to hurt as he pleased. 

He kissed and nuzzled against Wei Wuxian’s soft skin, where he had mauled his pale flesh with hunger, before taking him in his mouth. He pressed his face against Wei Wuxian’s hair, cradled his face in his hands, and promised he wanted them to be something. 

Summer was coming their way, they could spend time together. Wei Wuxian wanted to know him.

Lan Wangji was floating somewhere, so he'd taken a while before leaving the classroom. They parted with his request for them to go somewhere else, and Wei Wuxian’s promise to meet him at his house - as soon as he dismissed everyone, told jiejie where he’d be and why he’d have to leave her prom, on his own words. It was implicit, but Lan Wangji’s thoughts could only fly in one direction: He would have Wei Wuxian the whole night for himself, whether in his home or anywhere they decided to go to.

Lan Wangji was still drifting in memories when the men's room door flung violently open. 

He froze the moment Xue Yang’s shiny eyes met his through the reflection. The latter had no sneer or any shade of the constant creepy smile on his face, which made him appear even more dangerous and mad. 

It took merely ten seconds of being scrutinized thoroughly, for Lan Wangji to understand Xue Yang could take in his appearance and put things together. He still didn’t move.

Had Wei Wuxian talked to him already? Did he know? 

Sensing the other's furious blinks and slack mouth, Lan Wangji assumed he had, but maybe not with the full story.

“That,” Xue Yang grunted between his teeth. He widened his eyes in anger. “fucking slut.” 

And then practically jogged away, letting the door slam shut.

Lan Wangji didn’t think twice before following him.

** 

His fist collided against some bone structure, maybe a chin or a cheek, after his solar plexus received a light, but energic punch. He didn’t even stumble.

“Lan Zhan! Lan Zhan, don’t!” 

Wei Wuxian’s pleas came back and forth on his ears, not properly drawing him back from his anger. Lan Wangji pinned the boy under him with a knee to the middle of his back, both of his wrists held in a painful angle, immobilized.

“Where is he going? Where is he fucking going?” 

The boy grunted and spat, saliva mixed with blood hitting the ground.

“You won’t tell me?” Lan Wangji demanded, twisting his arms even more. The other yelped.

“Fuck you! He’s-Aghr! Let me go!”

A hand on Lan Wangji’s shoulder made him go still. 

“Baby, let him go, I’m here, I’m alright, c’mon,” Wei Wuxian’s voice was finally absorbed by his senses. Grunting, Lan Wangji used his knee on the boy’s back as leverage to get up, only to hurt him the last bit. He kept the guy’s wrists held. By the time they got on their feet, the boy shook himself free and smirked, spitting blood on the ground.

“You’re so fucked, Lan Wangji,” he threatened, before running away with one last hateful glance Lan Wangji’s way.

“Lan Zhan...” 

He turned around, eyes softening when Wei Wuxian’s face came back to him. His jaw still clenched, though, at the sight of the red lines around the other’s neck, marked up by Xue Yang’s fingers. What would have happened if he hadn’t found them? Would that lunatic strangle Wei Wuxian to death? Was he capable of such monstrosity?

Lan Wangji had panicked when he couldn’t catch Xue Yang in the first minute he ran away. He was pretty much sure where the guy could go, and it was after Wei Wuxian. 

On his run, the quarterback avoided thinking about what could happen if Xue Yang actually found Wei Wuxian before he did, mind running wild, and he could only growl in despair and anger when the fear turned out to make sense. Unfortunately, he had been late for the first time in his life. After too many minutes, too much time running through the school corridors and even across the football field, Lan Wangji reached the parking lot. He could barely make the sight of Wei Wuxian’s shiny shoes in the farthest spot from the parking lot, badly lit. 

From where Lan Wangji could spot, Wei Wuxian was almost out of breath, Xue Yang’s form straddling him, both surrounded by four kids - Lan Wangji recognized all of them as Xue Yang’s gang. 

“I should've known how big of a whore you were,” Xue Yang was grunting, voice terrifyingly low. “To think you barely allowed me to kiss you, huh? Yet here you were, sucking your quarterback's cock. You are both fucking dead-”

“Release him," when Lan Wangji’s deep voice echoed, it trembled. 

The minute they saw him, the group had looked back. Xue Yang’s eyebrows snapped up and he let out a crooked smile, releasing Wei Wuxian’s head with a shove to the ground before scattering to his feet and running away. The boy moaned in pain. 

Lan Wangji hadn’t considered being outnumbered; he reached the kids in large fast steps and was immediately surrounded by punches, from which he felt nothing. His blood was too hot, he’d never felt angrier in his entire life.

It didn't take long for him to dodge two of them and break someone’s nose, time enough for them to understand they would lose; Lan Wangjij was out of himself. The boys got away, following down the path Xue Yang took, as soon as they regained balance. 

Lan Wangji had held the last one down before looking up to where all of them had left running, and Wei Wuxian was coughing, sitting on the ground, and leaning forward. He really meant to force the truth out of the guy if Wei Wuxian hadn't pulled him out of his rage fit. A small, growing crowd was already formed, through where Jiang Yanli and Wen Qing suddenly emerged from, the former already holding back tears and making her way to Wei Wuxian - Lan Wangji stepped back, allowing her. He felt dazed as if lost in a nightmare. 

“Are you okay, buddy?”

He turned around. Wen Qing was looking at him cautiously. He nodded, not trusting himself to vocalize anything. His body still trembled from anger and adrenaline. 

“Okay, I don’t think you are, but it’s better if we all leave, alright?” she said. “Are you driving?”

“Yes,” he did sound breathless. 

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s good for you to drive like this. Ask someone to take you home, okay? I’m taking Yanli and Wei Ying home, you can-” she paused, not exactly knowing how to address the situation. Last she knew, the boys seemed to hate each other. “You can call him later.” 

At that moment, Wei Wuxian’s voice reappeared, quite loud.

“No, Lan Zhan can come too,” he said, disentangling from Yanli’s embrace delicately. His eyes practically caressed Lan Wangji’s face when he approached again, taking his hand. “Can you go to my place instead? Would that be alright?” 

Lan Wangji gave his fingers a reassuring squeeze and nodded. Wei Wuxian smiled weakly.

“I’ll wait for you, then. Take my address,” he said, taking his phone out.

** 

It all happened in a blur.

Lan Wangji ignoring Wen Qing's advice, going straight to his car, alone. Calming his breath on the seat. Unlocking his phone and typing a vague text to his bother about coming home later, maybe not even that night.  Buckling on the seat belt. Opening Wei Wuxian’s new chat window, clicking on the location and propping his phone upon his car’s panel. A nice Neko Case song was playing on the radio, steadying his heart a little bit. He didn't use to listen to the radio, but it felt soothing, somehow.  Everything was going to be ok. Wei Wuxian didn’t get hurt badly, and Lan Wangji had been invited to take care of him, a free pass. When his car came alive, he drove a little faster than usual, just a bit, so he could reach his destination sooner. He didn’t realize how tired he was.

It happened really fast; from the moment Lan Wangji tried to take a curve, reduce his speed and his car didn’t obey, until he ran into a blinding light, the terrifying sound of heels screeching before everything went black.

Chapter Text

3 years later.

Lan Wangji took a deep breath, head tilted up, taking in the warmth from the morning sun.

Three years since he wandered by himself somewhere.
Three years since he had autonomy for choosing what he’d do for his day, instead of being chained to a bed and obligated to go through painful sessions of physiotherapy. Instead of answering cops without actually knowing if he was telling the truth. Lan Wangji never lied; it was a severe struggle not remembering things.

The car crash turned the vehicle into something similar to a smashed paper ball. The doctors said he had been lucky to be alive. Two months in a coma weren’t exactly his idea of luck, but he knew what they meant. 

He could’ve died. He could never be able to walk again.

Instead, his muscles turned into jelly due to the lack of movement, and he lost his ability to speak properly for one whole year. He had to learn how to write again, had to applicate to university within special student terms.  And still, he hadn't been accepted the first time. He had been a model student, an athlete, and suddenly, he became someone codependent, that couldn’t be left alone. That had the memory of a golden fish. The first year was tough, then it was over. 

He’d moved out of town to get proper treatment; he needed a bigger structure, trauma specialists, and, what not even his brother or uncle or Jin Zixuan dared to say: a place away from everyone’s eyes to heal. 

His accident wasn’t his fault, but that didn't mean people weren’t disappointed by the disaster that became his football career. Lan Wangji hated frustrations and hated not corresponding to the highest expectations people had for him. He had grown as an overachiever, then lost control of his own life for the last three years. But this spring was the first time he was feeling he could get it back one day. 

His brother agreed with his visit to the college campus - finally, his special exams had earned him an admission. He had been walking, eating, taking baths alone, sleeping properly with fewer and fewer headaches or bad dreams. 

His harmer had been arrested, and the only thing that still couldn’t give him peace was the lack of memory. He couldn’t recall anything in the last year before the car crash. Jin Zixuan tried to fill him in with some details, but in the end, the trial was what gave him more information. 

He wasn’t able to attend at all the first six months, so he’d practically only heard the verdict and accompanied the updates through his brother in the following year: Xue Yang admitted he fucked up with his car’s breaks because they had a fight. Lan Wangji had seen that loud boy, Wei Wuxian, being beaten - allegedly, Xue Yang’s boyfriend back then -, and went to defend him. 

The other damaged his car in retaliation.

Lan Wangji still thought everything seemed really out of his character until Jin Zixuan confirmed it. He asked his closest friend why he thought he’d done that, but the other merely answered: “You didn’t even interact at school, man. He asked you to prom, you freaked out, then you felt bad and apologized… But you were really weird the previous months. Before, you know, “ he picked up his words very carefully. “the accident. I guess you two were on okay terms, the whole school knew he’d been dating  Xue Yang, and that the kid was a maniac. That’s all I know. You are not much of a talker, after all.” 

Lan Wangji used to sigh at those conversations. Jin Zixuan was his only contact from school, the only person that accompanied his daily activities at the place; the one he went to prom for, he’d been told. Jin Zixuan was a nice friend, though too self-centered to be aware of anything that didn’t concern him. Lan Wangji had been living with a hollow sensation since then. 

Especially once things were solved, and his focus wasn’t on being a functional human being anymore, but on choosing a new apartment next to campus, picking out what to cook, regaining his independence and freedom. Each time, it stuck on him how a huge part of his life seemed to be missing. He felt more lonely than ever; loneliness was actually a feeling he hadn’t paid much attention to, in his whole life. 

Lan Wangji put one foot in front of the other. Steady, firm, as he used to. No more crutches. No more holding some nurse’s or his brother’s forearms. He was delighted to be doing such a small, apparently not complicated thing, but that meant the world. Lan Wangji was coming out of a huge, unexpected, unpredictable hiatus in his life, and he was willing to be as alive as he had never been. 

**

Lan Wangji was in love. 

His campus was much more than he expected it to be. He’d walked through it the whole morning, exploring the library, the fields, the corridors, the main lobby, and even the dorms - considering he wasn’t going to stay there. He still needed a special bed, some equipment for his sleep and Lan Xichen’s help, from time to time. The brothers moved together to the city, the change being easier than everyone thought it would; Lan Xichen’s firm had a section there, to where he was gladly transferred to. 

Lan Wangji was on his way home when he realized it was already noon and he was hungry. As if answering a prayer, a small bell rang and the smell of coffee reached his nostrils. He wasn’t much of a coffee man, but fragrant cafes usually meant good executive menus, and he didn’t dare to skip his meal’s time on his first walkout, so he went in. 

The line wasn’t long, his turn arriving only three clients later. He’d decided on the cucumber sandwich. Lan Wangji politely waited as the man at the counter typed something on the register machine before lifting his eyes and smiling at him.

“Welcome to-”

Lan Wangji blinked.
He watched the smile slide off of the cashier’s open face, to be replaced with a surprised grimace. It took Lan Wangji only a few seconds to nod in greeting; he knew those eyes. It was his old high school junior, the annoying and loud Wei Wuxian, the boy he’d technically saved and gave up three years of his life in return to do so. 

Three years earlier - two months after prom.

“Please. Please, I need to see him, I need to, I-”

“A-Xian, please, calm down…”

“No!” Wei Wuxian shouted, causing the whole hospital lobby to go even more silent. 

“They didn't let me see him because he wasn’t awake, then because he was injured and then they couldn’t risk someone else in the ICU, and that's okay! But now he’s in a room, he is awake and I still can’t go in? Why! Let me just know WHY!”

Wei Wuxian was losing his mind. 

He knew it, but he was so angry with Lan Qiren’s impassive face, his dismissals, him not wanting to acknowledge Wei Wuxian was someone his nephew wanted to see. The boy knew Lan Zhan wanted to see him. He was struggling, almost dying to have at least a quick glimpse of Lan Wangji’s face, to know he was in one piece, to know he was alive, even barely. 

“He just woke up, you won’t see him in this state, boy,” Lan Qiren’s cold voice finally sounded. Wei Wuxian blinked up his angered tears.

“If not now, when?”

Silence.

“When?!” Wei Wuxian demanded. 

“Next week,” Lan Qiren said, eyeing him defiantly. Then, turning around, he vanished across the sterilized, cold double doors from the infirmary aisle.

One week later, he came back. 

His hands were shaking in anticipation, and his mouth was dry. It’d been two months since he last heard Lan Wangji’s voice. Since he last saw him, exchanging love and warmth, and being touched so tenderly.

A nurse touched his shoulder, lightly. She gave him a weak smile.

“He is awake. But you have to understand his condition isn't very good yet, alright?” she spoke condescendingly, like talking to a stubborn child. Wei Wuxian didn’t appreciate it. 

“He's listening and understanding pretty much everything, but he won’t be able to speak properly, so he is only communicating with his eyes and sometimes his hands. He can’t go further yet, so… Only yes or no. He can shake his head and nod too. You’ll have twenty minutes. Okay?” 

Wei Wuxian merely nodded. He gulped, before pushing the door open.

There, in the bed, was a vague version of the boy he had fallen for. His eyes immediately watered; Lan Wangji looked pale, thin, eyes deep. His hair was short, as short as Wei Wuxian had ever seen, due to the surgery following the severe head injury. He still lacked hair in a few spots, where they needed to shave it in order to crack his skull open. Wei Wuxian walked slowly, so slowly, his previous eagerness forgotten. He felt extremely sad.

“Lan Zhan?” he called, quietly. 

When the other looked at him, his head turning around slowly, he frowned. Wei Wuxian froze. Lan Wangji’s eyes were completely empty. Wei Wuxian knew that gaze. He’d been the victim of that stare for years, just recently finally being able to perceive love and emotions on those golden orbs. But that was all gone.

“Lan Zhan, I… I’ve missed you so much,” he managed to confess before tears were spilling across his cheeks. Lan Wangji frowned. Wei Wuxian took a step forward. 

Closer to the bed, he reached for the other’s hand. Only to see Lan Wangji weakly flinch away, hand closing in a loose fist for lack of strength.

Wei Wuxian blinked fast and retreated his hand to clean his tear-stained face. 

“Uh, I. Okay, you must be very confused right now,” he chuckled mirthlessly. “But. You do know who I am, right? You remember me?”

Lan Wangji nodded, and Wei Wuxian let out a relieved breath. He immediately perched on the bed, taking Lan Wangji’s hand on his and kissing it passionately. 

“Oh, Lan Zhan, thank god, thank god, I’ve missed you so much, please don’t ever-”

But he never finished that sentence, once Lan Wangji disentangled their hands again and the ugliest expression took his features. Within a second, two nurses burst into the room, and only then Wei Wuxian spot Lan Wangji’s other hand closed in a fist - fiercely pressing the emergency button on the cylindrical control. 

“What is it?” one of the nurses asked, urgently. Lan Wangji jerked his head in Wei Wuxian's direction, then shook it, saying no. Wei Wuxian’s stomach dropped. He raised from the bed, but didn’t move further.

“You’ll have to leave, sorry. He got agitated. Please, my dear, leave the room.” 

Wei Wuxian was glued to the spot.

His heart pounded hard against his rib cage, the force of rejection so powerful he felt breathless. Lan Wangji remembered him. But didn’t want him there. Wei Wuxian suddenly understood; he was so much trouble. He had put Lan Wangji there.

He’d stolen his health, his future, by being a burden. If it wasn’t for him, Lan Zhan would never be unable to walk, to speak, lying in a cold hospital bed for two whole months. Wei Wuxian covered his mouth with both hands, mumbling a breathless “I’m sorry”. 

He stood there until cold hands wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him backward. He went deaf, silently staring at Lan Wangji’s empty eyes with apology until he was dragged out and the door slammed shut in his face.

Chapter Text

Back then, Wei Wuxian only discovered Lan Wangji’s memento after it was too late. He’d closed that door, his heart wrapped in a bubble that no one would touch anymore - where not even an earthquake could drop it and break it again. It was during one of the trials, when one of the surgeons brought medical evidence of how fucked Lan Wangji’s brain had been from the accident. Wei Wuxian’s stomach had clenched really bad. He considered trying harder; he considered insisting, but the idea of being dismissed again, the amount of pain it would take to get it all back. For all he knew, Lan Wangji could never remember anything. He’d had one chance; life had given him one chance to gain Lan Zhan’s heart, and he took it and wasted it. The guilt was insufferable.

 When he heard about Lan Wangji moving out of town, Wei Wuxian kneeled in his bedroom, late at night, and cried his eyes out. He allowed himself to ball his fists against the floor, to drool on the carpet, cheeks burning from the friction. He felt so miserable, it was just easy to grab a fallen sharp pencil nearby and press it on his skin. His inner arm was way more sensitive than he thought, after all. Wei Wuxian pressed it against the skin until it pierced, and then he dragged it up and down. The pain felt grounding, and he even sighed in relief. From then on, sharp objects became his best friends and worst enemies. Keys, cards, pencils; then, eventually, a small switchblade he would carry around with him. Long sleeves and jeans gradually became his favorite pieces of clothing. Three years had passed since then, but some scars never healed. His skin could literally tell. 

Therefore, seeing Lan Wangji in front of him in the middle of his work shift wasn’t what he expected for a Wednesday. He froze and remained still as a rock until his ex-lover’s voice called him back.

“Wei Wuxian,” he greeted. “It’s been a while.”

Hearing his voice shifted something inside Wei Wuxian. He let out a deep breath and discovered his eyes were wet. He inhaled, exhaled, and even opened his mouth. But he could not. Not after taking in Lan Wangji’s voice, so strong, so familiar; sounding like the person he’d fallen in love with, the boy who had kissed him and desired him so blatantly, three years ago. Wei Wuxian’s nostrils flared open, and his mouth twitched. 

“I-I’m sorry, I-”, he took a step back,  “Just. Gimme a second,” it was all he managed to say before running for the kitchen. He couldn’t care less about the line of clients, right now he was on the verge of his first panic attack in a whole year. 

Crouching on the cold floor, he started breathing, holding his head between his knees, as a knowing procedure. 

Lan Wangji was there. He was right in front of him, stunning as ever, looking so much more like a man. He was alive, and he was right there. Wei Wuxian sobbed in agony. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he grunted, non-stop, until warm hands touched his shoulders.

“Wei Ying, breathe. It’s okay. You’re at work. It’s fine. I’m here.” 

He could feel Wen Ning’s soothing voice as freshwater; flushing through his ears, in a loop, then filling up his lungs, his stomach, his legs, until his toes. He kept repeating the same mantra, and Wei Wuxian was so grateful for him. 

“A-Ning, th-the line, no one is there, I’ve-” Wei Wuxian started to explain, but Wen Ning shushed him. 

“It’s okay. I’ve got this. Just breathe.”

**

Prom night had been the worst of Wei Wuxian’s entire life. At first, he thought Lan Wangji simply couldn't make it in time, for some unknown reason - not being allowed to break his curfew, or whatever. Then, realizing the quarterback wasn’t answering his texts, he started to tremble slightly, still affected from the previous assault, feeling bereft. What if Lan Zhan started having second thoughts? What if he regretted it? What if Wei Wuxian had been too much trouble already, and Lan Wangji thought it through, deciding not to meet him deliberately? Wei Wuxian literally puked from the thought, everything mingled, and only went to sleep after being heavily medicated by the family’s doctor, that stood by their house almost the minute his aunt saw him staggering into the house, held by Jiang Yanli. He cried until he fainted, and only woke up hours later, thirsty and weak. His throat hurt, his fingers where Xue Yang had stepped on hurt, his head spun from the heavy medication. And Lan Wangji still hadn't answered, hadn’t been there, hadn’t called. 

Wei Wuxian had been in his room, moping, when Yanli knocked on his door. The minute he saw her, his heart went cold. Her eyes were pitiful, sad, and she looked exactly like someone who came with bad news. 

“What happened?” he immediately stood up from the bed, eyes widening at the mere sight of his sister. “Is it Lan Zhan? Jiejie, what is it?”

“Oh, A-Xian…” 

Wei Wuxian crouched. He blinked, mind running through the details of last night - the one single night he’d allowed himself to believe true love was possible.

**

“Oh my god,”

The exclamation was all that left Wei Wuxian’s mouth for at least twenty minutes. He had been bracketed against the last stall, eyes rolling relentlessly back as his neck was mauled by a very eager, very heated Lan Wangji. 

“Lan Zhan…”

Two hands on his hips spun him around, smashing his chest and face against the cold wall. In seconds, he had his back against Lan Wangji’s chest. The quarterback held one of his legs up with a large hand. They couldn’t even remember how they’d ended up there. There was noise, a lot of people, then... Lan Zhan gave him a sign. They kissed. And now they were pressed against each other, like beasts in heat, and once it was happening, Wei Wuxian decided to cling to it. It wasn't a difficult task. 

“You smell so good, Lan Zhan,” he panted, one hand still lost in Lan Wangji’s hair, at an awkward angle. “How is that possible? Ouch, you’re marking me…”

An especially hard bite on his neck caused Wei Wuxian to shiver all over and moan, shamelessly, lost in pleasure, taking in Lan Wangji’s raw scent. 

Wei Wuxian stared at the ceiling. 

He felt so lost, that only sniffling the smell of his own sheets could tell him he was in his room. He slept in complete darkness, not even a spot in front of his nose to see, but the red little spot on his phone also helped to bring him back to reality. He was okay. He was in his room, safe. It was just a dream. 

“Fuck…” Wei Wuxian muttered, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles, before falling bodily on the mattress again. 

It had been a while since the force of his memories with Lan Zhan came back so strong. It was a common thing, but since he decided to join therapy and meditation and eat a little better, things had been changing. His trigger was obvious. Seeing Lan Zhan in front of him, flesh and bone, deep voice and broad shoulders and all that. Alive, breathing, buying a meal. It had been easier not to think of him when Wei Wuxian considered Lan Zhan as someone who didn’t entertain mundane stuff. His lover had disappeared from public sight, and, somehow, that helped. Made him more untouchable, unreachable, therefore, ever so impossible and unreal for Wei Wuxian. It was easier like that, to pretend everything had been a fever dream. 

His thoughts now circled around what were the odds . He's miles away from their hometown, working in a cafe and studying to get his degree, just living his life. Did Lan Zhan have nowhere else to go? No other college? No other town? Life hates me, he thought. 

Wei Wuxian would never admit that choosing this town wasn’t that random at all. He just. He couldn’t believe such a distant thought had become reality. Nie Huaisang had mentioned, years before, once they were finishing high school, how the Lan’s had probably moved out, to somewhere with good neuro medical care. He said something about this place Lan Xichen and his brother used to have meetings at. Chuckling, Nie Huaisang dropped there was probably where they were hiding. 

That afternoon, Wei Wuxian bit each one of his nails before collapsing and giving in to the urge of looking for the big metropole. It looked nice, with good weather. Probably good for recovering, that’s for sure. His mind went wild that day. But, in his defense, only months later he’d actually made a move, filling up his admission form for a college somewhere he didn’t know a thing about, far away from his hometown.  It wasn’t sure Lan Zhan lived there. Nothing could certify that. And, deep down, he admitted not being exactly eager to see the other anymore, the idea giving him the worst chills. It hurt only to consider a mild interaction with him, so it wasn’t for this reason he almost crossed the country. If Wei Wuxian could try and explain, it had to be because the idea of being so far away, disconnected, not able to see the same things Lan Zhan saw or experience the same weather Lan Zhan did, simply shattered him inside. As if their ending had been definite. Wei Wuxian would never admit it, but he wasn’t ready to let go. He could be, but he didn’t want it. Now, facing his past with such bluntness, with no previous warning, just Lan Zhan , right there, he thought about all the times he should have heard his therapist, and simply let go. Wei Wuxian couldn’t explain, precisely, what his brain did, but every time he considered never thinking about Lan Wangji again, something would crawl inside his chest, a longing, certain disbelief for their history; for what they could have been. Something stupid, as hope.

That night, his pillow listened to his sorrows again, for hours on end, as didn’t happen in a long time.

**

Of course, the dreams came. Gradually so. 

It didn’t slip Lan Wangji, always so observant, the weirdness behind Wei Wuxian’s behavior on the day they bumped into each other, at the cafe. And that had been it; another attendant replaced him, got Lan Wangji’s order, and life went on. The thing was, on that very same day, at night, he had the weirdest dream. Lan Wangji had had flashbacks before, during all his recovery; reality mixed with subconscious weirdness, like a surrealist collage. But that night, he started dreaming of full scenarios; there was not a single thing out of place when he dreamed of Wei Wuxian. Not even a weird cat, or someone walking backward, to indicate he was currently visiting Morpheus's territory. 

The second weirdest thing was the nocturnal emission. He’d wake up sticky, as if he were still in his early teens. Lan Wangji remembered Wei Wuxian. In high school, the boy had caught his attention, being extremely smart, charming, carefree. All the admiration only lasted a few months, until Wei Wuxian joined the cheering team, and became a source of annoyance. He would flirt, be loud, and pester Lan Wangji through school property non-stop. Then, on weekends, at the parties Lan Wangji never attended, he’d kiss and make out with all the seniors. Wei Wuxian had always been an avoidable problem, and being 20 years old now, Lan Wangji could admit to himself he had had a crush. But the dreams told him otherwise; it seemed like a whole other story, it felt different from simply being horny. He saw himself pushing the boy against a locker, he saw him cry. Lan Wangji would wake up with a heavy heart, not knowing what to do. 

When he moved out, he lost contact with everyone. Not that he had any friends other than Jin Zixuan, anyway, who told him a concise but short story.

In the following weeks, Lan Wangji became more and more exhausted; his headaches worsened in increments, for he started nursing insomnia - a trouble he’d never dealt with. One day, at breakfast, his brother sighed and dropped the mail content politely on the table. 

“Wangji, you look tired,” he said. “What’s going on?”

“Adaptation*,” Lan Wangji answered, not in the mood to share his lower body’s reactions with his brother. 

Lan Xichen eyed him for a few seconds, but he knew better than to insist. 

“Things will get better. College will be a whole new experience. I’m really happy for you,” his brother said, in a soothing tone. Lan Wangji knew he meant it. 

But that night, something snapped inside his brain. He dreamt of a gown; Wei Wuxian, a long gown, cruel words. Something about him. It was prom night, clearly, and the flashes came in waves. Lan Wangji would dream about a beach, sand between his feet, and out of nowhere, Wei Wuxian had his cheek smashed against his. They were holding hands across his chest, like a couple. They were intimate, and Lan Wangji could recall the smell of Wei Wuxian’s hair. The dream would switch to more forbidden areas; he saw himself on his knees, felt Wei Wuxian’s taste heavy on his tongue, the musky but sweet smell of him. 

It all went black, a headache letting him know he was asleep, but wasn’t able to wake up yet. 

“Lan Zhan! Lan Zhan, don’t!”

A blinding light caused him to wake up groaning in pain. He held his head between his hands, eyes squeezed shut. That was the first time he dreamt about the accident, about the prom night. Wei Wuxian’s gown… Was that true? Had it really been what the boy wore for prom? And if so, that meant they had been together, they had been intimately acquainted. Lan Wangjij gulped, thoughts running wild until his bedroom door opened. 

“Wangji… Wangji!” his brother’s voice echoed, worried, and Lan Wangji already knew he’d be heading to a hospital. 

The looping of dreaming, getting a glimpse, following to the hospital took him a whole month. His blood pressure raised, causing his malfunctioning brain to react badly. The doctors said they needed to do follow-ups; as if his life didn’t have enough visits to hospitals yet. At the end of it, he knew exactly what to do. 

“I need pictures. Anything from that day,” Lan Wangji demanded, staring from his hospital bed as Jin Zixuan rolled his eyes. 

“You saw all the ones I had!”

Lan Wangji glared. 

“You’ll actually force me to talk to Mianmian again? She fucking hates me,” 

“As she should,” Lan Wangji answered, being a prick for free. 

“You don’t sound like someone who’s asking a favor, you know?” 

“Jin Zixuan,” Lan Wangji warned. “One picture will do.” 

Jin Zixuan rolled his eyes, punching his thigh lightly through the hospital's thick blanket. 

“I hate you,” 

Two hours later, a notification.

Lan Wangji blinked at his phone, features unmoving. Giving nothing away.

His heart was pounding against his chest, and the urge to throw up would have taken him if he hadn’t been so willing to leave the goddamn hospital. Smiling at him was a beautifully dressed Wei Wuxian, with the same gown Lan Wangji remembered. His brain faintly pointed out a sensation of annoyance; he’d hated that gown for being too heavy, for being a barrier between them, keeping him away from Wei Wuxian’s warm legs. Lan Wangji heard his own voice echo in his head - it said Wei Wuxian’s birth name. 

Wei Ying…

That particular vocative sounded so intimate, so fond, so right through his lips, that Lan Wangji realized, with a blunt shock, his dreams were memories. 

Chapter Text

“Wei Ying.” 

Wei Wuxian froze. Not again, he thought, while pouring another hot cup of coffee. Swallowing hard, he turned around and plastered a smile on his face. It twitched slightly. 

“Oh, hi!” he greeted, attempting for cheerful. “Lan Wangji, it’s you again,”

The other merely nodded, but something was off about him. His eyes seemed sparkly. Wei Wuxian blinked. 

“Can I help you with anything?” 

Lan Wangji nodded again. “Mn,” he confirmed, in such a characteristic way, Wei Wuxian’s heart jumped. “I would like to talk to you. Whenever you’re available,” a vague gesture of hand indicated Lan Wangji probably meant at his lunch break. Wei Wuxian bit his lower lip. 

He had nowhere to go, that was a fact. He worked there. And maybe, talking to Lan Wangji would help him just get it over with. What could he possibly want? For the confused expression within his eyes, Wei Wuxian was still someone he barely knew. 

“I don’t wish to imp-,” Lan Wangji started, but Wei Wuxian held his hand up.

“Okay,” he sighed. In a quick glance, he checked the huge old clock held up on the wall. Fifteen minutes until his lunch break. “I’ll be available in a few minutes. Would you like to - uh, wait?”

“Of course,” Lan Wangji answered, some kind of intensity permeating his words. Wei Wuxian nodded, throwing sideway glances as the other found a table across the cafe - within eye reach, but in a more secluded area.

Wei Wuxian’s hands were sweaty for the rest of his shift and maybe he mixed up an order or two. 

**

Lan Wangji had been thinking about how nice the place actually was, and how that one table had been a great choice. Bare stone walls surrounded him, and there was a bit of olive green permeating a few surfaces, as for the main counter. The cashier was unconventional, an old-fashioned machine. The cups were a deep angry red, in contrast to the smoothness of the beverage they poured in. The table he chose was from a black wooden kind, well taken care of. A soothing lo-fi song streamed out of the small speakers, located in each corner of the rectangular, high ceiling. 

He liked this place. His thread of thoughts vanished though, the moment Wei Wuxian sat across him with a flourish. The latter smiled weakly, small hands in view on the table.

“Sooo,” Wei Wuxian said, tucking wisps of hair behind his ears. “What is it? How can I help you?”

“I,” Lan Wangji started, not exactly knowing what to say now he had the chance. His brain kept playing tricks. “Mn… I wanted to talk to you. About prom night.”

He said it, and his eyes met Wei Wuxian’s empty ones. He turned pale, lips pursed - extremely uncomfortable, out of a sudden. Lan Wangji’s heart was beating fast; he hated being the reason for so much discomfort on that otherwise cheerful face. But he had to know. It didn’t slip him the changes on Wei Wuxian’s demeanor now, years later. In high school he was a bright little thing, smart and giggly. A shadow of it seemed to remain, but that was all. His eyes looked vague, expression colder, even if the sunshine smile played off. Lan Wangji wondered what could have happened to erase that much vitality from the man in front of him.

“I believe there are things… Only you and I can clarify,” Lan Wangji kept going, carefully. The more he talked, the more Wei Wuxian seemed to hunch up, recoiling. “I’ve been dreaming. And -,” he paused, only to review his choice of words one more time before spilling it out. “You are in all of them. In situations… I don’t think they are dreams, but memories. Meeting you here, that day, ignited something. My apologies, I would never bother you with this if it weren’t extremely important. I ended up in the hospital again, after last time-”

“You what?” Wei Wuxian interrupted, eyes wide. He blinked when Lan Wangji didn’t answer, but basically shut his mouth. “Uh. Are you okay?”

Lan Wangji nodded and looked away. He mustn’t say anything beyond the absolute necessary. He knew a lot had happened, but not which part was real. How could he ask about the locker room, about his underwear’s color at the last time they saw each other, without completely letting Wei Wuxian know there was something more to it? 

“Lan Zhan…” 

Lan Wangji’s head snapped up. The same tone had come out of Wei Ying from his dreams, so many times; sometimes in a desperate gasp, sometimes cheerful; other times, a little sad. Ragged. 

“Please, Wei Ying,” he gulped, removing his hands from the table. “I must know. I need to know. Were we… What were we?” 

Wei Wuxian pursed his lips. He stared, and stared, and then, dropped his eyes to his own hands. Lan Wangji was patient. He could wait. Wei Wuxian let out a huff of breath, rubbing his eyes in visible tiredness. And then he looked back. His eyes seemed fierce. When he spoke, his voice was even, controlled. 

“We weren’t anything. And still, we were everything we could, back then. What we knew how to, at least. We were kids. Nothing… Nothing happened, it didn’t work out for us. I-,” Wei Wuxian took a deep breath and closed his eyes. His hands were nervously tearing the napkin in reach in small pieces. “It’s not a secret how much I adored you,” he shrugged, lips frozen in a small, mirthless smile. “You were my bisexual awakening, I dont think I ever told you that,” he chuckled, sadly. Lan Wangji hated that tone. He straightened up across the table. “I’m such a coward, god. But I really don’t know what to say, what can I tell you… I mean. W-why now? Why do you wanna go back there again? It’s been a while, we’re both. Adults, you know? Life’s finally happening to you again, and I’m, well, here, and I’m fine… I’m perfectly over all of this shit; I’m so over it-” 

The tears that interrupted Wei Wuxian’s speech took him over in a way Lan Wangji hadn’t been prepared to deal with. The other’s shoulders shook so hard he seemed in wave after wave of heavy shocks. Lan Wangji untangled his hands and reached for him, not thinking. He held both his hands. He felt so sad. 

“Wei Ying…”

“No, Lan Zhan, listen,” he managed, through the tears, untangling his hands when he realized what was happening, as if burnt. Wei Wuxian rubbed his fists against his eyes roughly. Taking small breaths, Wei Wuxian put his knees up and hugged them, forehead resting in between. “Okay, just- gimme a minute.”

Lan Wangji felt commanded by a strange force when he got up to cross the table, sitting by his side on the bench. Wei Wuxian was agonizing. Lan Wangji leaned in, then recoiled, but a particularly loud sob switched something on him again, and he wrapped his arms awkwardly around the other, hugging his form sideways against his chest, small bangs of Wei Wuxian’s hair twitching at his nose. The smell that engulfed him was heady, familiar; cinnamon with a touch of something sweet, maybe vanilla. Lan Wangji recognized that smell. He held him tighter. 

“Forgive me,” was all he managed to vocalize, voice strained. “Wei Ying. It was never my intention to put you in such distress.”

Wei Wuxian shook his head, and didn’t say anything. His sobs were calming down, but a small muffled cry could still be heard. Lan Wangji felt bereft.

It took twenty long minutes.
Lan Wangji knew, because he liked to count when he felt uncomfortable; it took his head somewhere, a safe place, distracted. He ignored the awful, dull headache spreading through his scalp, causing him to blink and purse his lips sometimes, never letting Wei Wuxian go. Lan Wangji soothed him, calmly, in silence. His eyelids were heavy with the headache, by then a known symptom that previewed a visit to the doctor - also a signal he should excuse himself and leave, facing the risk of passing out in the middle of Wei Wuxian’s work. But Lan Wangji suddenly felt he was in a place he didn’t wanna leave. By then, he was certain they had been more than anyone said or knew. He was aware that reminding of Wei Wuxian’s scent meant some of those crazy, erotic dreams could have been actually real. The thought lit a flame in his chest, distracting. The possibilities… 

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian’s shy voice invited him back to reality. “You can. Can you release me, please?”

Lan Wangji immediately obeyed, standing up out of the bench and moving his hands to his back. 

“I apologize again,” He cleared his throat, not exactly willing to vocalize his next sentence, but he owed Wei Wuxian that. A way out. “I’m willing not to touch the subject again, if it does you so much damage. I didn’t think this through, it seems. I thought we could. Talk. But I understand there’s a lot I missed being two years out. I’m not here to get it back, I just. Wanted to understand part of my story. It felt,” he held back, pondering.

The thought that maybe that could be the last time he would see Wei Wuxian, impelled him to open up a little bit of the storm playing in his chest. “It felt like you were someone important. As if I had forgotten something I should have never. Someone I… Wouldn’t choose to forget.”

Wei Wuxian had been arranging his hair back on a high ponytail, held by his inseparable red scrunchie. (Some things haven’t changed, after all.)

The younger tore his eyes from the table only after a couple minutes fighting his own hair. His gaze flew up, meeting Lan Wangji’s, flicking side to side, as if searching for something, making a decision. In the end, he simply took a deep breath and let out a small laugh, eyes darting away to the front door of the cafe. His fingers got back to action on the table, tearing the already small rags of napkin into tiniest ones. 

“Let’s move on, then, Lan Zhan,” he sighed. It sounded like a plea. Lan Wangji’s heart dropped to his feet. “I really don’t wanna go there. I’m sorry, I know- I can imagine how it sucks, not remembering things, but I-” Wei Wuxian let his eyes fall shut, head hanging back to seek for support on the bench’s tall backrest. “I don’t wanna rummage into this. Believe me, it was messy, you wouldn’t have enjoyed remembering it.”

He finished the absurdities by opening his eyes, pining Lan Wangji with the saddest look he had ever received. The latter could do nothing but nod. In a spree of courage, he blurted out. 

“Would it be a bother if I came back tomorrow?” Lan Wangji regretted it before finishing the sentence as he saw Wei Wuxian’s eyes go wide. “It’s a nice cafe. Here. My campus is nearby.”

Wei Wuxian’s eyes accessed his face once more. Searching, searching for something.  

Then he smiled, the true one, that reached his eyes, and shrugged. That’s answer enough , Lan Wangji considered. 

“Now I have to get back to work,” Wei Wuxian announced, standing up with another big flourish. A smile plastered on his pretty face, eyes shaped into half moons. He held a hand to Lan Wangji, putting on a good distance, even for a handshake.  “See you around. Take good care, okay?”

Lan Wangji shook his hand, bowed, and watched him leave. Wei Wuxian didn’t look back as he crossed the saloon and went back to the counter. Lan Wangji let out a silent breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, and his trembling hands immediately reached for his phone, to send a location; his knees felt weak, for the headache that had been brutalizing him, but they still took him outside, away from the establishment. He picked up his phone, called. Trembling as he held it against his ear. One ring, two, three. 

“Didi?”

“Brother,” was all he could say, crouched in the empty alley right beside the cafe. “I don’t feel so good.”

Chapter Text

The funny thing is: Lan Wangji does appear again. A few days later, sure, but he is there at the cafe. And the next day, and the next. Wei Ying avoids him with all his might, because he is just human and - he just can’t. Seeing Lan Wangji daily didn’t happen since high school and Wei Ying had forgotten how cute he was in the mornings; how well he dressed, how pleased his golden eyes turned while eating something he truly enjoyed. His body changed, naturally - no longer the broad, pumped quarterback from highschool, but still tall and lean, full of elegant lines from his toes to his eyebrows.

 He’d forgotten the little heart attacks he used to have whenever Lan Wangji crossed the hall - he is thoroughly reminded of those when the man walks through the cafe’s dingly door now. Wen Ning caught him staring at one of these moments, causing him to jump ten feet in the air. 

“Why don’t you join him for lunch once?” Wen Ning asked. 

“No reason to,” he snorted back. 

“It’s more polite than being a stalker,” Wen Ning retorted, as a terrible friend. Wei Ying smacked him with the dishcloth hanging on his shoulder. 

The truth was that a routine had been settled. Lan Wangji would order the same tea, the same lunch. Sit by the same table and wait for Wei Ying to deliver his meal, his now personalized mug, and greet him with a tiny, barely there smile and soft eyes. He would thank Wei Ying and tip generously. Sometimes, Wei Ying asked him about his day; how had it been? What was going on in college? What degree had he applied to. How was his brother and uncle? Until, sometimes, it’d get too close to something. 

“Here it is! The best green tea ever made by the most gorgeous barista in the neighborhood,” Wei Ying dropped, one day, delivering his drink. Lan Wangji nodded in thanks. 

“In town,” the other said, quietly. 

“Uh, sorry?”

“The most gorgeous,” a pause. “in town.”

Wei Ying’s jaw fell open. Then a giggle found its way out of his throat. 

“Lan Wangji! What is it?” another laugh, and Wei Ying put his hand on his hips. ”Are you flirting with me?!”

Staring directly into his eyes, Lan Wangji answered. 

“Yes,” as simple as that. 

“Oh my god. You weren't like that in high school!” Wei Ying snapped, before thinking, and felt his smile drop immediately. What the fuck. 

But Lan Wangji’s face remained soft, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips before he took an elegant sip.

“If I only knew,” it’s his final blow; Wei Ying went breathless. 

**

“You must avoid stressful situations, that’s for sure,” Doctor Wang explains, “but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a regular, college student life. Believe me, I remember these times can be such a pain.”

Lan Wangji shook his head. 

“Studies aren’t a problem,” he explained, choosing his words carefully. “There’s someone. From my past. I guess he stirs things. A little. I can’t properly remember him, and it’s been… A bother.”

Doctor Wang tilted his head. 

“I see. Maybe you’ll need to see another kind of doctor, Mr. Lan. What do you think of that?”

Not a damaged brain, then… It might as well be a broken heart.

And that was how Lan Wangji ended up in a smooth green consultory, smelling like lavender, once a week. Sweaty hands folded on his knees as he stared at the small woman seated in front of him, patiently waiting. He wasn’t sure about what to say at first, but realizing he didn’ have to speak, properly, relaxed him in his silence. It was comforting, somehow, to merely answer a few non important questions. Plus, he liked her first thing. That was hard to achieve, for him.  

His long silences and short sentences didn't bother her. His therapist was smooth, when coming to bad situations, or the lack of communication from his part, and she’d been treating that with him. He had a heart, a brain; malfunctioning sometimes, but a mostly healthy brain, and a perfectly capable mouth that should be able to, well, run its way out. Sometimes, during the sessions, he was reminded by listening to himself, that maybe, in another circumstances, he would never be able to properly say anything ever again. He could have lost so much. 

Aprimorating his ability to speak out became increasingly easier, and he praised himself whenever he managed to apply it. Wei Wuxian used to smile whenever he chose his words more boldly. Lan Wangi knew that wasn’t his proper smile, that there was still a ghost of something behind it, but Wei Wuxian never complained. 

Lan Wangji was determined to conquer that grinny man, for some hyperfocus reason or simply because he was stunning, and he would. Everyday at the cafe was new; he got into a routine, but Wei Wuxian never failed to amuse him somehow. A bunny in his hot tchai foam - a treat the man himself convinced him to try and now he loved it. Something written in his paper holder. A different presentation to his plate of noodles, when he got lunch there - which was, by now, almost everyday.

Lan Wangji would wake up, get his green tea at home, go to class. And then lunch time came - his favorite hour of the day. Lunch time was where he would be able to linger there, at this particular place, where this fascinating figure he grew so fond of, so in love with, would grin his way out of anything. Lan Wangji would let him get away with murder, if he giggled like that and asked him to hide a body at his basement. Things were even. He felt like getting somewhere. Until. 

It was a warm day, so Lan Wangji started to reconsider his options for lunch. He mostly didn't bother looking at the menu, but today called for something fresher, maybe. Only before entering the cafe and seeing Wei Wuxian, inclined on the counter, smiling like the sun, shining bright and comfortable, did his line of thoughts snapped. There was a handsome and tall figure standing there, a man, all in white. Lan Wangji knew him; he was a grad student at his campus. He had seen him, even though they didn't share classes. His fame was well known. Xiao Xingchen, known as a very competent, but very aloof subject. He was described as reserved, but now he seemed to be home, comfortable and smiling back at Wei Wuxian’s radiating presence. 

Something inside Lan Wangji felt like splattering on the floor and turning into millions of small fragments. His heart raced and he felt suddenly grumpy, angry. He was never angry anymore. The silent snake of jealousy poked him in the ribs, and he almost turned away to leave before anyone saw him, but the first step he took backwards got him bumping into someone. 

“I’m sorry,” Lan wangji apologized.

Wen Ning’s doleful eyes softened in a timid smile and a nod. 

“Hi,” the bartender answered. Before Lan Wangji could flee, Wen Ning noticed his empty hands and frowned. “You didn’t order? Are you leaving?”

Lan Wangji opened his mouth and then shut it. Wen Ning looked at the cashier and - all about his expression said he saw too . So, he thought pettily, I wasn’t imagining things. Wen Ning also picked the flirty atmosphere between Wei Wuxian and the guy. Lan Wangji swallowed, letting out a controlled sigh. He felt pathetic. Wei Wuxian made it pretty clear he was over whatever happened between them. Maybe Lan Wangji had even hurt him, for all he knows, and still he kept bothering him, coming to his work, making himself available. He even attempted to flirt, to make Wei Wuxian understand… He was someone else now. And nothing worked. Wei Wuxian never even stood by during lunch - sometimes, even Wen Ning did it. 

In the small fragment of time he held to create an excuse, Wen Ning had cracked the puzzle. His head kept turning, eyes going from a retreating Wangji to the rendezvous at the counter, and Lan Wangji felt seen, exposed. A wish to be invisible rushed through him. Wen Ning knew. If he didn't before, now he knew. 

“Ah,” Wen Ning started. Then his face did something, a resolute expression, before he stomped to the cashier. “Our employee of the month seems busy, but I’ll attend to you, Lan Wangji,” he said, loud as Lan Wangji had never heard him be, emphasizing his name. 

That triggered a series of awkward moments Lan Wangji saved in his hard drive to visit later and actually process. Wei Wuxian’s face turning to the door; his smile sliding off his face as melted ice cream. Xiao Xingchen, staring between them and whispering something really low.

Wen Ning settled behind the bar and chatted happily to Lan Wangji as if they were - it’s not like they did not acknowledge each other, but they didn't interact that much - and Lan Wangji simply mumbled in accordance with whatever he said. 

When he came back to himself, he’d been standing at the far corner of the cafe, looking through the large windows while waiting for his order. It was a place he never went, next to the restroom. Wei Wuxian’s voice startled him. 

“Uh, Lan Zhan?” 

Wei Wuxian only called him like that when he loosened up, after something Lan Wangji would say that got him blushing. He usually called him nothing at all. Lan Wangji tried to soften his expression, for he had no right to censor anyone. Even though his heart was breaking, even though his last weeks coming to the cafe to get somewhere in the path his desires lead had come to a dead end. 

“Yes?”

“Here’s your matcha!” Wei Wuxian exclaimed, holding him his personalized mug, the one with a rabbit drawn on it. “You’re ordering lunch too, right? You’re staying?”

Lan Wangji pondered. He reached inside himself, checking his feelings as his therapist always encouraged him to do. He sensed a sickness within. He started to revisit every moment spent at Wei Wuxian’s cafe and anxiety overtook him in the face of the realization that maybe he’d never felt very welcomed there. Wei Wuxian had smiled like the sun to him before, before, but not anymore. Not since he came back and started harassing him at his work . Sunddely, he felt stupid. And invasive. Like a stalker, someone who didn't want to let go when it was so clear Wei Wuxian had moved on. His heart skipped a beat at the thought. Lan Wangji was tired, so tired. He made his decision. 

“No,” he said, attempting a reassuring smile. He wasn't good at these things. “Not today.”

“Busy day?”

“Not exactly,” Lans didn't like to lie. “But a few things to put in order, yes.”

Wei Wuxian’s eyes dropped. He wasn’t looking at Lan Zhan anymore. 

“Oh… Okay,” he fiddled with the mug, “To-go cup, then?”

Lan Wangji hummed in agreement, feeling his ribcage almost cracking with the effort he was making to not collapse, not to scream, not to run. Wei Wuxian delivered him a paper cup, and lingered. While Lan Wangji walked around him, mind blank, he felt a small touch in his elbow. It lit his insides instantly. 

“Hey, Lan Zhan… You know you’re always welcome here, don’t you?” 

Lan Wangji turned a little, dying to stay, dying to ask so many questions. Am I? What am I to you? Would you like me to keep trying? 

Instead, he only nodded and left.

Chapter Text

Wei Wuxian knew something was wrong when Lan Zhan didn't appear. He just knows Lan Zhan is a man of habits. It’s not like he’d been expecting, but. He just knows. That’s the only reason he dials Nie Huaisang’s number, the shift after he almost gropped Lan Zhan not to allow him to leave the cafe with those frown lines in his forehead. 

“Hey, gorgeous,” Nie Huaisang picked up. 

“Hey, cutie. How are you doing? The brand’s been okay?”

Huaisang was abroad now, entertaining himself in fashion shows and slowly building his own brand, a pretty set of glittery but sober clothing, a new classic chic, just as himself. He had been mocked in high school for his choices of outfits, still now, everyone wanted a piece of him. Wei Ying felt immensely happy for his friend, constantly praising him to whoever mentioned his accomplishments. Recently, Huaisang’s appointed patron had paid him a visit at the cafe and all they could talk about was his most recent creations. Wei Ying realized the way Xingchen spoke of his friend. He could see a crush from miles of distance. Their talk became a tease from Wei Ying’s part, pointedly suggesting the man to ask Nie Huaisang out to try his new creations when he came back. Xiao Xingchen took the hint and asked if it would be a bother to get Huaisang’s private number - after all, it was a shame he only had the business one, being such a great patron and all. Huaisang owned him big time. 

His friend’s dismissing voice prompted him back.

“Yeah, yeah, and you already know all of it. What happened? You don’t usually call me for small talk on school nights. Or is it day? I’m terribly jetlagged.”

Wei Wuxian sighed. 

“Something did happen. It’s,” his throat closed. Phisically closed, what the fuck. “Ahr. Well.”

A lingering silence allowed Wei Ying to debate with himself how to approach the subject, but Huaisang wasn’t the most patient person when it came to possible hot gossip. 

“I heard Lan Zhan paid you a visit,” he offered, softly. 

Wei Wuxian gasped. 

“What. How do you know that! It literally just happened!” 

“Oh, dear. That’s not true. I know he’s been hitting your cafe on a daily basis, do not lie to me,” his friend scoffed. 

Ah. 

So he knew about this, but not about. That.

“No, it’s. Okay, it’s been happening, but not like that...”

He almost heard the eye roll from Huaisang in the other line. 

“Don’t you know by now people trust me and tell me things?” he explained, impatiently. “Da-ge arrived home exhausted, Lan Xichen didn’t make it to work for a few days. It seems Lan Zhan got some bad shit in his head and had to be admitted at the hospital again a few weeks ago.” Wei Ying opened his mouth to ask, but his friend kept going.  “He mentioned he saw you and things got blurry in that beautiful brain of his. Can you believe Da-ge gossiped me all this? He was really tired. Mostly babbled. I guess Lan Xichen is been worried.” 

“Fuck,” Wei Ying hissed. What did he do?

“Yeah, I know, baby”

“Is that all? Is he, like, okay?” Wei Ying whispers.

Nie Huaisang hums. 

“Yeah, I haven’t heard any news lately. I guess watching your cute ass everyday healed him,” he chuckled, causing Wei Ying to roll his eyes this time. 

“Shut up,” he hisses, mirthful.. “Huaisang. I don’t know what to do.”

“You afraid, my dear? To deal with all that much of him, again?”

 Yes.

“I don't know.” 

“I think you are. You’re so afraid of hurting yourself, Yingying. I know the whole Lan Zhan thing hits a nerve for you, but sometimes the only way out is through, baby,” Huaisang said, in a soothing voice that got Wei Ying’s eyes watering for nothing. 

“He’s been flirting with me,” Wei Ying confessed. 

“Ohhh, that’s nice. Even though I can’t really imagine,” his friend considered, humming from the other side. “Is it weird?”

“What? No! Not weird, but-”

“Like, so weird it’s cute? Because, you know, you like him?” Huaisang interrupted. 

Wei Ying huffled a laugh through his unshed tears. 

“Yes. God, yes, he’s so different. He seems to want to rile me up and get me embarrassed, but in a ‘hitting on you’ way, and it’s too much sometimes, you know? Like, oh my god, why would he-”

He cuts himself, suddenly feeling like an idiot. 

“Hmmm,” Huaisang went. “I guess we’re getting somewhere, Yingying.” 

“Fuck,” Wei Ying sighed, for the 10th time in only one call. 

“Yeah…” Huaisang offered, letting a moment of silence engulf them. Letting Wei Ying sink in the idea that maybe Lan Zhan had actually been trying something , and not just out of curiosity. But after so many years…

“What will you do? I guess the ball is yours now.”

“I don’t know!” Wei Ying whined, grabbing his own hair in desperation.

“Bullshit. And that’s my line, you bitch,” Huaisang exclaims, causing Wei Ying to laugh properly for what felt like the first time of the whole month. 

**

One week later.

XXXX0897:

helloo

Lan Wangji frowned at the unknown number. 

Who is it?

XXXX0897

hiii, i’s Wei Ying. I’m sorry to bthr you, got your number from a friend

huaisang

you remeber him? 

i guess your brother and his da-ge are close or smthng

whatever

i hope its fine

how you doing?

you haven’t appeared here at the cafe and i was wondering if you ok

Lan Wangji’s heart immediately skipped a bit. It had been a few torturing days since the last time he checked in at the cafe. He felt apathetic and lifeless. Things became mundane in his routine, now that he didn't have a place he craved to be, someone he cared to see that forced him out of his bed everyday, wearing his best clothes and combing his short hair carefully. His days were gray, without Wei Wuxian, the grimly beginning of autumn getting into him.

I am fine, thank you for asking. And you? 

There was typing, deleting, then typing again. 

XXX08967

never been better lol

can you come over? I’m working late today

there’s a new matcha only you could possibly like

we testing it

and I thought our best customer could taste it before it goes to the menu

Lan Wangji flagged a bit. That was it, then. 

It’s seven p.m on a Saturday. Are you sure?

XXX0897

Yeah ofc!

but tell me if you coming

otherwise i’ll close earlier and hit the bar near by

lol

I’m coming. 

Chapter Text

Wei Ying had put on the ‘Closed’ warning at the establishment door by 4 p.m. sharp and started to get everything ready. Cleaning, sweeping, washing dishes, and heating a few snacks. He dragged the curtains of the cafe, cutting all lights from the streets, letting only the indirect lamps on. It gave the place a sense of intimacy and comfort. He felt they might need that, for once. 

He didn’t know if Lan Zhan had eaten, so he joined two tables in the middle of the cafe, and filled them with appetizers he knew the other enjoyed (Lan Zhan had tried some of them during lunch or while grabbing his tea, and he’d hummed in approval, so). Wei Ying said goodbye to Wen Ning, who witnessed his anxiety the whole week and allowed him to stay later at the cafe, wishing him “Good luck, Wei Ying”. After all, he still was technically his boss (or brother of his boss, it didn’t matter.). With everything settled, he took a shower in the shitty bathroom at the back, and dressed as nicely as he could, both for a date and for a night out – If things went down bad, he would, indeed, hit the bar nearby to get wasted as hell.  The night was a little chilly, so Wei Ying settled for a red sweater, black pants, and black combat boots. The cafe didn’t stay open so late on Saturdays, but he didn't know if Lan Zhan was aware of that, and took the chance. The chance to do it all differently, properly. 

Wei Ying would always remember the first time he saw Lan Zhan. The boy had been sitting at the benches with his elbows on his knees, propped forward, watching the dull football practice. He had his uniform on and seemed to sulk a little. Later on, Wei Ying discovered it was just the boy’s face 24/7. He’d been obsessed with the idea of him, the way he behaved – so proper, even though being a jock and all –, with his good grades and smooth hair. Wei Ying would dream about being taken home by the gorgeous Lan Wangji, in his beautiful white car, being kissed goodbye at his door. All the cheerleading team adored him, if not for his looks, for his politeness, and his potential in the field. 

He always felt, deep inside, having Lan Zhan was something unattainable. A fantasy, lulling him to sleep and drifting him through waves of thoughts in boring classes. Wei Ying was raised in a family that cherished all forms of expression, and he took it to heart. He expressed himself through his clothes, through his dance, through his words. Funnily, when the time came that he really needed to put it all out, he did it wrong. In his recent adulthood, he would contemplate the things that could have been done differently. How he would have asked Lan Zhan out. What would have happened, if he’d forgiven him as his heart asked, and gone to prom with the quarterback? What would be of them, with no pride, no stupid mistakes, no Xue Yang in between? 

The thoughts had nagged him, biting, for a long time. It got easier, eventually. Lan Zhan’s condition and the distance helped a little. It felt like all they shared in high school wasn’t his reality anymore, all nothing but a dream. But every time he overdrunk, met friends from before, or hooked up with someone, his mind would spin. He’d ask himself how he could possibly still be in love with that boy from school, after so long. He’d question himself if it was love indeed, or just the magical idea of it, of Lan Wangji in his whole perfection. The second option seemed more comfortable, the one his mind clung to in order of being able to move on. It had been tough, and then it wasn’t that bad, until it was fine. But the whirlwind of events in the last weeks shattered it all, and Wei Ying had to painfully admit to himself that there was no one like Lan Zhan for him. 

That’s why, when a pale, tall silhouette enters the cafe, forty minutes after he messaged, Wei Ying knows he’s doing the right thing. His heart had never been anyone else's. Only this particularly beautiful man could do that to him, get him speechless and fidgeting by only entering a place.The new sight of Lan Zhan, in a perfect deep blue denim and white button up shakes his feelings all over again, causing Wei Ying to doubt himself, his boldness, how this one last shot might backfire for him. He swallows audibly and focuses, watching as his guest takes in the new ambiance of the cafe, while digging careful steps toward him. 

“Uhn, hi!” Wei Ying greets, waving one hand while the other hides in his pocket. “First things first, I need to warn you: I lied.” 

Lan Zhan stops and frowns slightly. Wey Ying breathes slowly, screaming in his head, trying not to show off how in absolute panic he is. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry. There’s no abhorrent tea. But! There are pastries and your favorite tchai! I made it pretty hot so you could, y’know, warm up a bit, since it’s been weirdly cold? How is that possible, right, haha the other day was just so hot, I don’t-”

“Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan’s deep voice cuts through his rambling. 

“Ah, yeah. Sorry! Uhn. I need to talk to you,” Wei Ying admits. “Would you have a seat?”

He waits, somewhat bouncing on his feet, while Lan Zhan’s head tilts to the side in silent questioning, before taking a chair at the arranged new set of tables and making himself comfortable. Wei Ying desperately wishes he is comfortable indeed. He eyes the other man, before biting his cheek and following, sitting in front of him and giving a moment for Lan Zhan’s eyes to take in all the pastries and drinks on the table. He freezes when two golden orbs catch him looking. It is time, just do it.  

“Uh, so,” Wei Ying starts, feeling sweaty and wrong and vulnerable. “First of all, I need to know if you’re okay with discussing a few things. From earlier. From before .”

Lan Zhan doesn’t even blink before answering. 

“Yes. I’ll hear anything Wei Ying wishes to tell me.”

“No, no, I. Okay,” Wei Ying lets out a breathy laugh, hands running through his hair. He’s doing badly. “I wanted to know if you… How are you? Like, your injuries and stuff?”

Lan Zhan lifts an eyebrow. 

“Everything is controlled, according to my doctors. Why do you ask?”

“Because,” Wei Ying sighs, dropping his hands on the table with a mirthless smile. “I have a few things to discuss, that might be a lot,” he pauses. “Like, a lot, a lot.”

In the sentence, he feels the weight of Lan Zhan’s focus on him increasing. 

“You’re saying,” Lan Zhan’s voice sounds so controlled it gives the sensation of the exact opposite as if he’s holding something back fiercely. “It’s time for you to disclose our past to me?”

As the words hit him, Wei Ying knows there’s no easy way to do what he’s about to do. He reaches for the piece of paper in his pocket.

“Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan nudges at his name, gently. 

“Is that okay?” Wei Ying plows in, voice a pitch higher. “ If I read it? I’m, uhn, I don't know If I can do that just… Talking. It took me days to write it all down, so, yeah.” 

“However you wish,” a certain and quick answer. Wei Ying doesn’t know if he’s imagining, but Lan Zhan sounds almost amused. 

“Okay,” he clears his throat, letting out a nervous laugh, both hands spreading the sheet of paper open in front of him. Just do it, his mind resounds, pounding. 

“Dear Lan Zhan,” upon hearing his own voice, Wei Ying briefly glances up, a doubt within him. Is that okay, Lan Zhan? Me calling you that? Is the question his eyes silently make. The response comes in the form of a minimum quirk of lips from the other. He smiles weakly and goes on.

“You asked me recently what we were to each other. And I cowardly answered only the comfortable half of it. Truth be said, I don’t know how much of me your brain kept, but I remember you fully. Every inch and expression of you,” Wei Ying can’t help himself, sneaking another glance at Lan Zhan’s face. Now he’ll know, he thinks. The expression he finds in front of him is one of parted lips, slightly blown eyes. Surprise. 

“As far as details go, what happened was that we fell in love - at least, I did. As teens, with many turns and gone wrongs, but we did. I had a terrible crush on you, I fucked up somewhere along the road and you hated me for a while because of this. It took us a while to figure it all out, and we hurt each other a lot. Xue Yang was kind of my boyfriend. I cheated on him with you,” a small noise from Lan Zhan causes Wei Ying to pause and close his eyes for a second before continuing. He won’t balk at this . “...and I don't regret it for a minute. He is a bad person. I never forgave him for taking away what we could have been. We were supposed to meet at my house when we left prom. We were supposed to - ” We were supposed to fuck. He keeps that part to himself. “God knows we were horny teenagers back then, and were eager to do it right at prom, but. Well. Things needed to be solved. I wanted to do it right, with you. Properly. And the rest is history. I got mad when you didn't remember me, the ego of a child that I had. And I also thought poorly of myself, wondering if I had been to blame for your accident,” Lan Zhan calls him at that, but Wei Ying shakes his head and keeps on. He feels like entering a performance, a game night, where his nerves would be all exposed before the beginning of the routine, but when they finally started, the crowd yelling, adrenaline pumping… He just couldn’t stop. 

“I know, now, that it wasn't my fault. We were unlucky and victims of fate and bad things. Seeing you here, again, made me realize that the feeling never went away, that I love you. It's nothing less than this. And I want to make you love me back.  I’m willing to start over, so that’s why - that’s why this is a date,” he stutters, eyes flicking fastly to Lan Zhan’s; the look he receives back is what prompts him to follow; his long-time crush, the boy of his dreams, now a whole man, stares at him with eyes so fond they shine. Wei Ying blinks several times, eyes watering, before rushing to the last part. 

“I’m sorry for not telling you before. I was scared of you not showing up. I needed to take it out of my chest. And I thought you deserved to know, too, if you are to keep flirting shamelessly with me. I love you. Please, don’t play with me. I want to get to know you again, and I’d be the happiest if you allowed me this chance to know you too.” 

The need to sniff makes Wei Ying realize his tears have fallen. He curses, then crumples the paper in his hand and throws it away. Lan Zhan is quiet, so quiet. Wei Ying doesn't know if he could look at him right now, so he chooses to dry his face with a napkin while his brain goes nuts.  Such a bad idea, fuck, this isn’t good, he’s not gonna say anything, I’m gonna get so fucking drunk-

“Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan’s deep voice calls his attention. Wei Ying anxiously risks another glance. There’s an unbelievable smile waiting for him, paired up with an easy, serene expression. “I’m in love with you.”

Wei Ying’s eyes widen, hands static on the table. Something warm rolls down his spine. He’s not being physically held, but it feels like Lan Zhan just threw him a blanket, upon his exposed chest, body, and soul. He blinks again, feeling his eyes fill with new untamed tears. Lan Zhan’s hands find his, holding both in a warm gesture, and it’s too much. 

“I believe you when you say I was too, back then. My brain is playing tricks, but my heart feels it deeply. That day, I stopped coming because I thought you were annoyed, that I was interrupting something,” Wei Ying opens his mouth, but Lan Zhan shakes his head.  “I was wrong. I was jealous. I want to get to know you. I’ve always wanted. Allow me to, Wei Ying.”

Of course, Wei Ying had hoped. Of course, he had seen Lan Zhan trying to get closer, he’d blushed with the flirting. But the possibility of being corresponded bumped into his self-worthy issues and the whole idea that maybe, maybe he could be one of those people who find love and lives happily ever after with it. He starts to consider that perhaps he could be one of those lucky ones. 

“Lan Zhan, yes. Yes, I-” he stands, and Lan Zhan follows him. “I’m gonna kiss you silly right now.” 

It’s a matter of seconds. Wei Ying sees himself, an out-of-body experience, freeing his hands just to join them around Lan Zhan’s neck, while their eyes dance across each other's faces, taking every inch in. Wei Ying smiles and tastes an equal smile on Lan Zhan’s mouth, their tongues meeting, finally, one more time, after so long. Lan Zhan’s lips are demanding, not too harsh, but far from gentle. Wei Ying feels as if he’s being tasted richly, every corner of his mouth, then, after devouring him enough, Lan Zhan bends his head to start lapping at his neck and collarbones, full tongue in play, like savoring an ice cream. He gasps, aware of huge hands roaming freely through his back, scooping him as the heat of his body spills, and rolls, all around.

The tip of Lan Zhan’s nose is cold against his cheek, and he tilts his head to the side, chasing for warm lips again, only to get rewarded with another brazen, deep and lewd kiss. How could he have forgotten Lan Zhan was such a fantastic kisser? Wei Ying sighs, delighted, until everything stops and he moans at the loss. His eyes open against his will, but there’s not much time; Lan Zhan is by his side in seconds, and he feels his full body pressing against his, hands around his waist as they hug properly after so many years. 

“Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan…” he calls, vaguely aware of making a move before he forgets all his senses. “Let’s get outta here.”

Lan Zhan huffs out a breath, busy kissing Wei Ying's face. “Where?”

“My place,” he manages to say, hands holding each side of Lan Zhan’s head, feeling his smooth hair between his fingers. “I wanna have you, like, horizontally, for a change?” he chuckles, and Lan Zhan moves apart a little, raising one eyebrow. 

Wei Ying grins.

“Ohh, right…You don't remember,” Lan Zhan lets out a small apologetic noise. “It’s fine. I’ll clear your mind, handsome, come here.”

**

They scramble through Wei Ying’s small flat, the same one he shares with Wen Ning, and barely get rid of their shoes in the hall. When the door is locked, Lan Zhan’s a heavy presence at his back, kissing his neck and ears, causing him to giggle. Wei Ying splays his hands against the heavy wood and arches his body. He seeks his lover’s lips, getting promptly attended. Wei Ying can’t help but moan wantonly, feeling as his backside rubs against a particularly hard part of Lan Zhan’s body. 

“Lan Zhan, ah,” he manages, eyes closed, almost spiraling to the sensation of dejavu. “Baby, this is how you fucked me for the first time,” he says and gets a satisfying grunt in return. Lan Zhan’s hands travel through his torso, grabbing his hips and slamming against him. Wei Ying yelps, a small laugh leaving his mouth. 

 “And is this how Wei Ying wants to be fucked again?” Lan Wangji’s deep voice, so close to his eardrums, causes goosebumps through him, like an electric chain. 

Wei Ying holds both of Lan Wangji’s wrists and turns around, opening his eyes and staring at the beautiful dream in the shape of a man he’s got in his hands. 

“Not exactly. I want you in my bed. Now.”

Wei Ying lets his wrists go, and takes Lan Wangji’s face between his hands, leaving small pecks on his plush lips. He presses their foreheads together, leaning in. 

“Make love to me,” he whispers. “Make me yours. This is what I’ve been craving since I can remember. I want my sheets to smell like you.” 

Lan Wangji’s hands flutter to his waist, and the touch becomes more gentle. His fingers grab the sweater Wei Ying has on, and he pulls it up, slowly. Wei Ying lifts his arms, sighing, and lets himself be bared. As the cloth comes off, Lan Wangji studies his naked torso and swallows visibly. His eyes are dancing across Wei Ying, and when Lan Wangji looks back at him, there’s a shadow on his face. 

“I…” Lan Wangji begins. His hands are hanging by his sides, fists clenching nervously. “Wei Ying. I don’t know how to do this.”

Confusion, then amusement washes through Wei Ying, and he steps impossibly closer. Taking Lan Wangji’s hands on his again, he puts them on him; one against his jaw, the other around his hips. 

“Just keep touching me. I’ll teach you,” he whispers, nosing against Lan Wangji’s neck and depositing small kisses there. “As far as I remember, you’re a fast learner.”  

Lan Wangji sighs and closes his eyes, nodding. Suddenly, his hands are tight on Wei Ying’s body, and he’s pushing him away from the entrance of the flat. Wei Ying laughs, trying to walk backward without destroying anything in his apartment until they make it to the room between kisses and whispers of love.

Finally reaching the bed, Wei Ying undresses his lover, piece by piece of clothing, kissing every inch of the body he loved so much, for so long. Lan Wangji’s pectorals shudder under his hands, and Wei Ying latches his tongue across the brown perky nipples in front of him, only to test, only to see if he can cause Lan Wangji to feel so good he’ll stay forever. Seems stupid, in the back of his mind he’s aware there’s no place the other would go, being reassured about his feelings and all. But. Somehow, years of trauma don’t just vanish that easily. 

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji whispers, as Wei Ying’s lips brush across his thighs, and he sinks lower and lower.

“Let me, please, Lan Zhan,” he murmurs against the milky skin, nuzzling the faint hairs before holding Lan Wangji’s length in one hand, feeling it pulse and jerk in his palm. “Fuck, you’re so hot. This is a fucking dream, I can’t-” 

Lan Wangji gasps, as Wei Ying slowly takes him in his mouth, savoring the unique flavor of him, engulfed in his musky and soapy scent. Lan Wangji grabs his hair, then his jaw, directing the movements in the way he likes, causing his back to arch, hips snapping up. Wei Ying just lets him have his way, humming, pleased, and drifting across pleasure land, unable to close his eyes. As his head bobs up, he catches glimpses of his lover’s raptured behavior, savoring all the small noises Lan Wangji puts on; Wei Ying feels overwhelmed. The hand in his hair tightens, urging him up, and suddenly he’s letting go, Lan Wangji’s hard cock bobbing in front of him before settling back against the other’s stomach. He can’t help giving it one more kitten lick, lingering on the frenulum. Lan Wangji spasms lightly, urging him up before tackling him down. 

“Lan Zhan?” 

Wei Ying stares at his golden eyes, sighing as he feels the other leaning in. 

“I wanna taste you too,” Lan Wangji murmurs, against Wei Ying’s red abused lips.

And so he does. 

Wei Ying lets his eyes roll to the back of his head, feeling his lover’s digits also opening him up while sucking him off so deliciously he’s afraid he’s not gonna last time enough to be fucked. The thought causes him to hurry the other man, prepped only with two fingers and a whole lot of lube, but that’s what he wants. To feel the burn, the stretch, every inch of Lan Wangji’s length inside him, breaching his body and his soul. And when they finally join each other, it's inevitable that the words spill, the same as his tears. 

“I love you, I love you so much, ah,” he lets out, between Lan Wangji’s lazy, deep thrusts. The other man is above him, engulfing his whole body with his weight, his arms. “Fuck me as you said you would, you can have me in any way you want, Lan Zhan, I’m y-yours.”

Lan Wangji’s thrusts earn a new pace, faster, still so deep and so good, his eyes opening with Wei Yng’s renewed confession. He untangles one hand from Wei Ying’s hair and flicks his nipple, gaining a lewd, long moan in return. Wei Ying almost blushes, if he hadn’t been flushed all over already; he’s always been shamefully sensitive there. 

“I’m making you mine,” Lan Wangji responds, fucking him harder, elbows on the mattress as he holds one of Wei Ying’s legs up, and tortures him by abusing his nipple. “And I’ll mark you from the inside out as only mine, too.”

At this, Wei Ying’s eyes fly open, a wave of arousal taking him so powerfully he gasps. 

“Yes, yes,” his nails scratch Lan Wangji’s waist, pulling him closer, his orgasm building in a pool of heat on his lower belly. “That’s it, you can claim me, you can have me, c’mon, baby, I wanted you for so long, come on…” 

Lan Wangji’s pace gets faster, fucking him impossibly deep, and Wei Ying yelps. Lan Wangji rearranges him, positioning his arms around his neck and holding his back, almost getting him to sit on his lap, with no leverage not to tip backward and fall; only being held by the strong man he’s currently in love with. 

When Lan Wangji finally crests, spilling all of it inside him, Wei Ying’s dick twitches, asking for more. He’s about to reach for it, but Lan Wangji is faster; positioning his still hard and sensitive cock against the spot that gets Wei Ying to drool from pleasure, he keeps going in small staccato thrusts, the blunt tip of Lan Wangji’s cock hitting so right it doesn’t take more than a few strokes to get Wei Ying spilling all over their stomachs. 

Lan Wangji keeps himself sheathed inside him as the aftershocks fly through their spent bodies, and kisses him, all of his face, his neck, his jaw. Wei Ying feels himself shaking, crying, and clings to his lover. 

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji’s voice sounds from far away, after a while. 

He only mumbles in response, feeling his back against the hot mattress again, and a grounding weight upon himself. 

“Yes, baby, I’m here,” he eventually responds, nuzzling Lan Wangji’s neck to get a sniff of his smell, now tainted with sweat. 

He feels more than hears Lan Wangji whisper something, then hesitate, and squeezes him weakly to encourage.  “What is it, hm?”

A pause. 

“Was it good?” comes Lan Wangji’s shy question. “Did I… Did I make you feel good?”

Wei Ying smiles, untangling himself from his arms just a tiny bit, so he can stare into Lan Wangji’s eyes. 

“No one could do better, my love,” he answers, eyes locked with amber ones. He pulls Lan Wangji’s face closer. “ No one. ”

He kisses Lan Wangji’s smile and decides there’s no other place in the world he would be as happy as when he’s in his arms. 

After a long time in silence, where only their recovering breaths filled the room, Lan Wangji calls. “Wei Ying.”

There’s a different edge to the way he uses his name, too. Wei Ying raises to his elbow, supporting his head in one hand. He hums, signaling he’s listening, before flinging his eyes to Lan Wangji’s. 

“Yeah?” he asks, trying not to let his hesitance bleed out. 

Lan Wangji shifts, coming closer and mimicking his position, their faces back to little inches of distance. Wei Ying waits. 

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji says again, one hand cupping Wei Ying’s jaw, while his thumb caresses one of his cheeks. “I need… I need to say how sorry I am.”

Wei Ying frowns, backing off a little. Lan Wangji’s strong hand pulls him back, still in his face, claiming his eyes. 

“Please, Wei Ying. This is important,” he says, lifting his head from his hand and resting his forearm against the sheets. “I need to know… I need to know you forgive me. I can’t imagine how… Lonely, it must have been. How much distress you might have been through-”

“No, Lan Zhan, don’t-”

“Wei Ying, please ,”  and Wei Ying notices how warm and filled his eyes are. His heart explodes inside his chest. Maybe that’s something he can acknowledge, for Lan Zhan’s benefit. Wei Ying smiles genuinely, blinking back tears of his own. 

“Of course, baby,” he answers, voice thick, one hand covering Lan Wangji’s on his own face. “Just. It’s okay. You’re here now, and I’m the happiest person alive only for that. It’s-It’s okay if you never remember a thing. I’ll tell you all about it, so many times, it will feel as if you actually remember everything, and-”

Lan Wangji’s soft lips silence him, taking one more kiss, and his body reacts again, a heat going south, his belly tingling with arousal, and that has to be the best place in the entire world. A warm bed, a kiss of the man he loves, his taste, his scent, his embrace… Not even in his wildest dreams, he could have guessed reality could be so incredible for him. 

Chapter Text

Epilogue: Remember me.

Two years later.

The day Lan Wangji gets back his memories is a normal day. A Sunday morning, when he wakes at the same time, ready to do the same things. And then, the things Wei Ying had so thoroughly told him, all the greasy details of their high school fling, of their fight… He remembered it all. Not only through one point of view, not only through Wei Ying’s side. He remembered the sensation of staring at his crush across the field. He felt deep in his heart the ache of seeing him leave, refusing his invitation to the ball. One day, waking up, suddenly, Lan Wangji remembered it all.

Wei Ying was in the kitchen of their small apartment, complaining about not having enough overnight snacks, awake. He never went to sleep , Lan Wangji realized. 

“Wei Ying?” he calls, cautiously. His mind feels fuzzled as if waking up from a long, long dream. He’s not one hundred percent sure he’s awakened to reality or if it’s a delightful multiverse. He fiercely pushes the thought aside. 

“Hey, my love!” his fiancé reaches, tiptoeing to kiss Lan Wangji, as he usually does. The warmth of Wei Ying’s lips causes him to relax. It feels real.  

And when Wei Ying gets back to his feet and looks at Lan Wangji, really really looks … He already knows. 

"Oh shit. Lan Zhan. Baby. Oh my god." 

Lan Wangji discovers there’s a lot Wei Ying let out of their history. He doesn’t know whether to protect him or simply because it didn’t matter that much at the time. Lan Wangji cries, curled up in bed while Wei Ying pats his head, kissing his shoulders, whispering that everything is fine. They finally resolved it all, didn’t they? He shouldn’t feel guilty, the past was the past, his memory coming back was a given. 

And then, after calming down, Wei Ying allows him some rest while calling his doctor. He would need an appointment indeed. And, after all that, Lan Wangji’s verbiage. It’s his turn to share the details with Wei Ying, all the times he felt so in love and so horny he felt like exploding. His terrible jerk off sessions in the shower, pining so stupidly over a boy that has always been his. He knows that now.

The day Lan Wangji’s memories come back, Wei Ying cries again, after almost two years together. He claimed a cry of happiness, finally gifting his younger self with a presence, someone had been there with him . “It’s the weirdest feeling, Lan Zhan, I can’t explain!”, he says. Wei Ying confesses it’d been lonely, but their history now had two carriers, it was something theirs, not only his, as it always should have been.

After hours of recognizing each other again, of falling even deeper in love, as they never thought possible, they make the sweetest love. Lan Wangji smiles while fucking his fiancé against the wall, whispering profanities so similar to what he had, all those years ago, in a locker room, that Wei Ying doesn’t last at all. 

And when they kiss goodnight, after such a long day, a doctor’s appointment scheduled for Monday morning, it feels like their lives have just started over, one more time. Except for this time, they have it settled, a solid plan to be as happy as anyone has ever been allowed to be. 

THE END.