Archive of Our Own ^beta

            [instrumental “Skyjacks” fades out]

JAMES: We open on a long line of prospective candidates, stretching out from the docks, where you are seated—

JOHNNY: Actually, I’m pretty sure—

TYLER: Yeah, aren’t we—

JOHNNY: —we’re inside—

JAMES: —under an awning, which is technically inside. Uh, a very short—

LIZ: What are the candidates for, James, you didn’t say.

NATHAN: [Orimar voice] I’m not sure that actually counts as inside.

JAMES: Oh, candidates for—

TYLER: [French accent] Ze ship of ze notorious pirate captain, Orimar Vale.

            [laughter]

JAMES: Why is Toku here?!

LIZ: Keep going!

JAMES: A very short person—actually, do you want to introduce them?

ALEX: Yeah, so, you see a short—like, really short, like, really really short—woman walks up to the table, and kind of hits, like, strikes a pose. They have on a pair of goggles, and they are dressed in sort of colorful pirate regalia. They appear to have a pistol at their side, they’ve definitely got more than one belt on, and they’ve got, let’s say, charisma, they’ve got swagger.

JOHNNY: How much swagger are we talking, like, on a scale—

JONNIT: Hi, welcome to the Uhuru.

EARHART: Uh, hi, thank you.

ORIMAR: Usually, this process involves the submission of a CV and, I believe, a photograph of oneself. Now, despite the fact that I can see you in front of me, and therefore do not, strictly speaking, require your headshot, this does not bode well for your ability to take orders while aboard my vessel.

EARHART: Oh, I wasn’t planning on taking orders while aboard your… vessel. 

JONNIT: Off to a good start!

ORIMAR: What are you planning to do, then?

EARHART: I actually have some questions for you first, before I join your crew. I assume this interview is more of a formality. I mean, I think my experience speaks for itself, eh?

GABLE: That’s what the résumé is for, so we know what your experience is. And I mean, regardless, we cannot hire you.

TRAVIS: No, absolutely not.

GABLE: For, just, so many reasons, including what you just said.

JONNIT: But in the interest of filling the next ten minutes or so of airtime, fire away!

            [laughter]

EARHART: Don’t mind if I do. What are the combat capabilities of this ship? Apart from Mr. Tall Drink Of Water with the sword, here.

JONNIT: That is a funny story, actually—

GABLE: We have birds, they’re the best birds and they’re mine.

EARHART: You have… birds.

TRAVIS: Yeah, they’re sort of attack birds. You actually might want to watch out, ‘cause you’re pretty short, and they’re, ha, real aggressive.

EARHART: Size can be deceiving, Mr...

TRAVIS: Matagot.

EARHART: Mr. Matagot, as I'd be happy to demonstrate at any point. And while I have been known to make use of a, let’s say, an unusual method or two, I wasn’t actually asking about your attack birds. I was hoping more for cannons, or swords, what have you.

ORIMAR: My ship is well-equipped for combat, and we have won many victories over our enemies during my time as captain.

EARHART: I see. And you were fighting against…

ORIMAR: Other ships, mostly.

EARHART: Interesting. Mr. Vale—

ORIMAR: Captain, please.

EARHART: Can I help you?

ORIMAR: Please call me “captain”.

EARHART: Oh, I thought—

JONNIT: Did you think he was referring to— [laughs] now hang on—

GABLE: Ma’am, what was your former occupation?

EARHART: Captain.

GABLE: Also, what is your name? This is, again, why we usually require the résumé, so we know what to call you before we kick you off our ship.

EARHART: I’m Captain Earhart. “Am” to you though, hun.

GABLE: Oh.

JONNIT: So, you were the captain of another… airship? And now you—

EARHART: Oh, heh, I am technically still captain of an airship.

ORIMAR: Then you will forgive me, captain, for wondering why you would want to become the captain of another ship simultaneously, if I take your meaning.

TRAVIS: Are you— sorry to interrupt, in my defense I was not paying attention, but did you say your name was Captain Earhart?

EARHART: Yeah.

TRAVIS: And you’re the captain of an airship?

EARHART: I feel like I’ve made that very clear for those of us who were paying attention. He’s not the most diligent, is he?

TRAVIS: I can be diligent. Where did you fly from, just now, captain?

EARHART: Uh—

TRAVIS: Where is the Atlantic Ocean relative to us? Wait, here’s a question: does the Mariner show up in the Atlantic?

EARHART: The who?

JONNIT: He’s kind of like, if you disappeared at sea, for whatever reason, he’s who you would blame.

EARHART: I don’t actually plan on disappearing at sea. I’m the best captain I know.

JONNIT: Eyyy.

TRAVIS: Is it— now based on your accent, which I’m frankly having a hard time placing—

            [laughter]

EARHART: What’s wrong with my accent?

GABLE: It really emphasizes your wide, your vast experience with air travel.

JONNIT: Yeah, it’s unique!

EARHART: I feel like I’m missing something. I’m actually from America, I’ve just flown in a shipment from there.

GABLE: [away from mic] Where?!

EARHART: America? Major landmass? Across quite a large ocean? You must’ve heard of America out here, I mean, you all look like you get out. Well, most of you, ha.

ORIMAR: Thank you for noticing.

TRAVIS: So, just to clarify, you’re Captain Earhart, and you’ve flown in from America.

EARHART: Yes.

TRAVIS: Oh, obviously, I should have got that from the accent.

EARHART: I still don’t know what you’re talking about.

ORIMAR: To be fair, I don’t see anything wrong with their accent.

GABLE: Now Jonnit, you’re from… I mean, Akaron is generally around… a place called America, right?

TRAVIS: Captain Earhart, would it be fair to say you’ve flown in from somewhere out west?

JONNIT: [laughs] Yeah, and maybe, from the west that you’ve flown from, maybe from the middle area of that west?

GABLE: Have you been through Ohio recently?

EARHART: I’m sorry?

TRAVIS: Here’s a fun game, name three places in America.

EARHART: Absolutely, there’s, uh, there’s New York—

TRAVIS, JONNIT: One.

EARHART: There’s California.

TRAVIS, JONNIT: Two.

EARHART: And Disneyland.

GABLE: What?

EARHART: There’s a sky port there.

GABLE: In Disneyland?

TRAVIS: Canonically?

EARHART: Yes, I’ve flown out of there several times.

JONNIT: Huh.

EARHART: I feel like I’ve answered a lot of your questions and you’ve answered very few of mine. I mean, honestly, I thought this was an interview.

ORIMAR: I apologize, I didn’t know you had more to ask.

JONNIT: Yeah, shoot!

EARHART: Ha, don’t mind if I do, mister—I don’t know, cabin boy. What are your thoughts, generally, on the Meritocrats?

ORIMAR: I’m sorry?

EARHART: What are your political leanings?

JONNIT: All right, kind of unprofessional.

ORIMAR: Certainly not of the sort I’m going to discuss with you seven minutes after meeting you.

TRAVIS: I never talk politics before 5 p.m.

GABLE: What?

EARHART: Yeah, so what I’m hearing is, you’re law-abiding citizens. You, especially, you look like a Meritocratic tool.

TRAVIS: Me?

ORIMAR: I will say that we are actually pirates.

EARHART: Ah, perfect. Now—

ORIMAR: I can’t help but notice, additionally, that you are wearing an enormous hat. I kind of assumed that meant you were also a pirate.

GABLE: It is an impressive hat, absolutely.

EARHART: Ha, well played. I have been known to do some transportation outside the bounds of the law, a bit of fencing here and there—

ORIMAR: This would be on your ship, which you already have.

EARHART: I mean, “have” is kind of an interesting way to put it.

GABLE: Ownership as a concept is difficult to understand, I agree.

ORIMAR: And where is your ship now?

EARHART: Oh, here and there, and there.

TRAVIS: Did your ship blow up?

EARHART: Not as such. We’ve all lost a few pieces off our ships, eh?

TRAVIS: How many pieces is your ship in again?

EARHART: There’s one big one.

TRAVIS: And now you want to captain our ship, because…

EARHART: All right, cards on the table, I’m looking to kill a Meritocrat.

ORIMAR: With my ship?

GABLE: What is your deal, again? Like, what did this Meritocrat do to you?

EARHART: Well, it’s mostly her fault my ship is in as many pieces as it is.

GABLE: Which is one.

TRAVIS: Is the Meritocrat the president?

EARHART: I’m sorry?

TRAVIS: Is this Meritocrat in charge of America?

EARHART: No, no, no, thank god. ha. Hey, are you sure you don’t work for the Meritocrats?

TRAVIS: Me?

EARHART: Yeah, you remind me of someone.

TRAVIS: Oh, I just have one of those faces.

EARHART: No, listen, is this one just absolutely insufferable? Does not let you get a word in edgewise?

JONNIT: I mean—

GABLE: Yes, always, at every— yes, yeah, you got it.

JONNIT: [laughs] Yeah, no, they’re right.

TRAVIS: I don’t need to be here, you know. I have, I mean, hundreds of other things I could be doing.

EARHART: That tracks too, to be honest.

TRAVIS: Well, who’s this other guy?

EARHART: Oh, just an ex. He turned out to be a piece of work, ha, I learned my lesson about guys with mysterious pasts and issues with vulnerability. I bet you know what I’m talking about.

JONNIT: Did you just— sorry, are you winking at Gable?

GABLE: You know what, I’ve changed my mind about you. Can we— hey, if we hire you, could you just follow him around and tell him about airships? You seem like an airship fan. I think he’d like that.

TRAVIS: I guarantee I would not like that.

JONNIT: Yeah, you do have all those, like, cogs and pieces of metal and stuff on your hat. And all those belts!

EARHART: Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet.

ALEX: She takes off the hat and sort of messes with it for a bit and it clanks a few times, and then suddenly it, it folds, that’s the best way I can describe it, into a large bird the size of her head.

GABLE: Oh shit! That is— Captain Earhart, that is amazing.

EARHART: Right?

GABLE: Can I…

EARHART: Oh, sure. I forgot you were the bird fan, ha.

            [rustling, as though one improviser is pretending to pass an object to another]

GABLE: [pensive] Wow. Wow.

ORIMAR: Where did you get that hat?

EARHART: America.

ORIMAR: Ah. No chance of me getting one, then.

JONNIT: Did you pick this up in California or New York?

TRAVIS: It's gotta be Disneyland, right?

EARHART: It’s one-of-a-kind. Hey, could I have that back?

GABLE: Is there any way I could get this hat from you?

TRAVIS: Do you take gold or only American dollars?

EARHART: Well—

GABLE: Listen to me, I will help you kill the president in exchange for this hat.

EARHART: Again, not the president. But, again, I can’t help but notice that massive sword you have.

GABLE: Thank you.

EARHART: Okay, honestly, I’m getting the sense I am not gonna be able to commandeer this ship—

ORIMAR: Absolutely not.

EARHART: —but how about you and I go talk over some plans of attack after this meeting, and we’ll see about the hat.

GABLE: Captain Earhart, that sounds perfect.

EARHART: Are you trying to wink at me?

GABLE: Did I get the wrong— I got the wrong eyes again.

ORIMAR: Captain Earhart, are you trying to steal my helmsperson?

EARHART: How do you feel about puns?

GABLE: They are the last resort of people who cannot think of any actual jokes.

EARHART: You’ll be perfect.

ALEX: And as they’re walking away—

LIZ: Gable absolutely gets up and goes with them and does not at all put down the hat.

ALEX: As they're walking away, Earhart just goes—

EARHART: You ever killed a dragon before?

GABLE: [away from mic] A what?!

            [riff from instrumental “Skyjacks”]