Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was nice to finally get out of the house, Lexa thought as she walked down the unfamiliar streets, following the directions on her phone to the art museum. She had only moved here recently, a week ago, not too long after the wedding with her new husband. A shiver ran up her spine at just the thought, husband still didn’t sit right with her – well, neither had boyfriend or fiancé with one e, but it is what it was – it still filled her with this weird sense of dread and disgust. They moved from their hometown a week after they got married, Michael – her husband – was starting a new job and he decided it would be good for them to have a fresh start to their new lives.

Lexa hadn’t protested, there wasn’t much back home holding her back. Her family was back there yes, but that was more of a reason to move, she wanted to be away from them. And since she had left her job a while back, Lexa didn’t see much of her friends or colleagues, so moving away wasn’t too bad. It was, however, not the best feeling knowing that there wouldn’t be anyone here that she knew other than just her husband, that there wouldn’t be anyone she could turn to or spend a couple of hours with when things got a bit much at home. And it did, it was a week of being home with him, unpacking and getting things sorted out like the electricity and phone line and internet, all of which were more than a little frustrating to get up and running, meaning Michael was more than a little frustrated. Which in turn meant that he was taking his frustration out on Lexa.

But he started work today, so Lexa was on her own till 6pm when he came back home, and she figured it would be a good idea to go around the town and familiarize herself with her new home. Michael thought it would be a good idea too, as long as he knew where she was going and that she would be back home in time to make dinner that is. So, after doing a quick Google search and learning that there was next to nothing interesting in this very quiet little town, Lexa found that there was a museum, an art museum with mostly duplicates and replicas but a museum, nonetheless. There was a library too not far from where she lived, and Lexa had a feeling she would be a regular at both there and the museum.

It was easy to get lost in the art or in the books, it took her away from her own life, made her forget for a while. And with not much else to do, Lexa found herself dwelling in the negatives and spiraling a little more often than she’d like to be, so it was nice to have something that could offer her some sort of escape, even if it was for only a little while. Besides, she didn’t have any friends here, there wasn’t a single soul Lexa knew other than her husband so maybe the museums and libraries would be a good enough way to meet at least one other person she could talk to.

Stepping into the larger than expected building, Lexa let out a deep breath, her wedding ring tucked away safely in her pocket, no trace of the life she lived outside of these walls and made her way inside to get a ticket – and enquire about their memberships because there was a very good chance she would be here a lot. The annual pass was cheaper than she had expected, the receptionist surprised that anyone would even want to purchase it because in all honesty, the people in this town didn’t appreciate art, not nearly enough to want to come here more than once. There was a science museum about ten minutes away, that’s where people liked to go, especially with their kids because they had a lot of interactive activities in there – much more so than actual exhibits. “I like the atmosphere,” Lexa had said as she paid, smiling at the young man on the other side of the desk.

It was actually quite beautiful inside, even if you didn’t want to come here to see the art, the museum building itself was worth the visit. It was old, very old, intricate moldings on the wall, beautiful chandeliers – with eco conscious light bulbs, of course – and that wasn’t even mentioning the works hanging on the walls. The reviews weren’t great for this place so Lexa wasn’t expecting much, but she couldn’t see why, sure a lot of the works were duplicates but they were still beautiful, there was a quite large collection too, enough to keep her busy for hours. Maybe the receptionist was right about the people in this town, maybe they didn’t know how to appreciate it, or well, have the capacity to.

As Lexa walked through the hallways and rooms filled with paintings and artworks, she found herself getting lost in them. All her problems and issues seemed to disappear; mind too preoccupied by the sights in front of her as she found herself relaxing for the first time in a while. Art, any form of it, whether it be music or paintings or writing or even films, they always made her feel better, always comforted her. It was a way out of her own life, it let her step into someone else’s shoes, into some other world, somewhere where she didn’t have any problems, somewhere she was happy and not stuck in her miserable, depressing life.

She had been here a while now, about an hour when she finally sat down in one of the galleries facing a replica of Paul Delaroche’s, Young Martyr. She hadn’t seen this one before, not in person but just in prints, and found herself enamored by the painting as she sat down on the bench across from it. There were two small information plaque next to it, one with some information on the painting, including where the original was and the other with information on the painter. It was beautiful really, haunting almost, Lexa’s focus on the girl in the water, clearly dead but she couldn’t help but find herself relating to it. Tied up and drowned, stuck and suffocated, no one doing much more than just watchin-

“It’s a beautiful piece, isn’t it?”

A voice Lexa didn’t recognize spoke from behind her, interrupting her train of thoughts. Her head turned around immediately towards it, finding a blonde stranger standing about a foot behind the bench, her arms crossed over her chest and eyes on the same thing Lexa was looking at a moment ago. She didn’t recognize her, the first thing she noticed was the flash of golden hair that caught her eye. Next being the fact that the woman this very new voice belonged to, was incredibly beautiful – not that she was focusing that, and that definitely was not the reason why it took Lexa a moment to respond.

“It really is, yeah.” Lexa gave her a nod, turning her body towards her, watching as she stepped up to next to her.

“We only got this in last week,” She explained, moving to sit down on the other end of the bench.

“Do you work here?” Lexa asked her, attention now on the woman.

She nodded, holding out her hand to Lexa as she introduced herself, “I’m Clarke,”

“Lexa,” She gave Clarke a polite smile, shaking her hand. “What do you do?”

“I’m a curator.” Clarke answered. “I don’t usually see anyone here around this time…” She trailed off, “Or at all, actually.”

Lexa shrugged, “Yeah, the guy at the reception looked at me like I was crazy when I asked about annual pass.” And Clarke had the exact same look on her face too, causing Lexa to huff out a small laugh, “That’s the look.”

“We don’t get many people here.” Clarke explained, lowering her head and shaking it.

“I’m new in town, and I like the arts.” Lexa explained. “There are worse places to be than in a building full of paintings.”

“Don’t I know it,” Clarke nodded. “Doesn’t feel like work half the time. But you might get bored after a couple of visits down here.” She told Lexa honestly. “I know I work here, but it’s certainly not the Louvre.”

Lexa shrugged lightly, “It’s better than being home.”

Clarke was quite easy to talk to, there was something about her that made Lexa be able to relax. And for the first time in a while, Lexa felt herself freely talking to someone. Every moment she spent at home with her husband, or before with her family, she always had to think carefully before speaking, before saying literally anything to make sure it wouldn’t rub someone off the wrong way, that it wouldn’t anger them. And maybe Lexa was conditioned at this point to pay attention to that, to make sure she carefully thought about what she wanted to say before the words left her mouth, made sure to run down the possibilities of responses, reasons why she shouldn’t say something. Even though she couldn’t switch off that part of her brain while talking to Clarke, she could at least…relax a bit more, quieten that part of her mind down – even though this was just the first time she was talking to her.

It was a nice break, that was for sure. And well, if Clarke worked here, there was a chance that Lexa would get to see her around every once in a while. Lexa didn’t have many friends – any, actually – there wasn’t anyone she could talk to or get away with for a little while to just take a break from her droning everyday life. Maybe, just maybe, it seemed like Clarke enjoyed talking to her too, smiling and cracking jokes, and within the first ten minutes – if Lexa wasn’t mistaken – she was flirting with her. Her wedding ring was safely hidden away in her pocket after all, there was nothing stopping Clarke and well, it felt good.

Clarke had been working here straight out of college, telling Lexa how this is what she wanted to do since she was young, how she always wanted to be surrounded by art, and when this job opportunity came up, she jumped at it. It was easy to tell that she was very passionate about everything in this building; the art, the artists, the history behind it all. Lexa could see it in the way her eyes lit up when she spoke, even to someone who was practically a stranger. She liked working here, that was for sure and Lexa couldn’t help but smile as she listened to Clarke speak, telling her about the newest additions to the museum, the pieces she absolutely had to see, and the couple of galleries that could be skipped.

“I have a feeling I'm going to be seeing you again,” Clarke said to Lexa as she walked with her towards the exit. It had been a while now, the two of them losing track of time as they talked and walked around a bit more, Clarke showing Lexa around, giving a little tour of the museum.

“I think you will.” Lexa agreed, “From what I can tell, this is one of the two interesting places in this town.”

“Yeah, it's pretty dead around here if you’re new.” Clarke told her with a one shouldered shrug, “It’s not as bad as you might think, and I would be more than happy to show you around.” She offered, doing her best to hide the uncertainty in her voice. “Help you find a few more interesting places; trust me, they exist.”

Lexa nodded, a soft smile on her face. “I would really like that Clarke.” It would be more than just alright, Lexa would love nothing more than to get out of the house from time to time and spending it with – Clarke - anyone that wasn’t Michael. “I don’t know anyone here, so I'm really glad I met you.”

There was something in the way Clarke was looking at her, something about the look in her eyes, so gentle yet so intense that made Lexa feel like she was looking straight into her soul. “Yeah, me too.”

By now, Lexa knew what his footsteps sounded like depending on his mood – and how Michael closed the door, and how he put his coat and shoes away, and how he sighed or groaned. So when the door unlocked and she heard him step inside, Lexa let out a small sigh of relief because it sounded like her husband was in a good enough mood. She was in the kitchen, dinner in the oven as she finished cleaning, waiting for Michael to get home from work. A part of Lexa was hoping maybe he would be late but he was back right on time; he finished work at 5pm and it took fifteen minutes to drive home, between leaving the office and getting to the parking lot, he was home at exactly 5:25pm.

Swallowing back a groan, Lexa rolled her eyes and stepped up to the refrigerator, opening it and retrieving a bottle of beer – Michael was in a good mood, it was in her best interest to keep it that way. “Hey, honey.” She called out, forcing a smile and taking a deep breath before making her way out of the kitchen.

“Hi sweetheart,” He replied, no hint of any emotion or connection to the word as he walked into the living room before slumping down on to the couch.

“How was work?” Lexa asked, holding out the drink for him.

He took it from her, not bothering to so much as mutter a thank you. “You do much today?”

“I went to the art museum.” Lexa answered, sitting down on the armchair to his side. “It’s better than you would expect, I’ll probably be going back.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Michael took a swig from the bottle nodding as he picked up the TV remote. “Get an annual pass if you’re going to be there often, it’ll be cheaper.”

“Already did,” Lexa answered with a nod, watching as he turned the TV on and turned his attention to the screen, giving her the unsaid cue that he was done with her and she might as well not be here. “Dinner’s done, it’s in the oven.” She told him as she stood up, about to leave the room. “Come to the table whenever you’re ready.”

There was no connection there, there was nothing there between the two of them, Lexa might as well be living with a stranger. Hell, he barely looked her in the eye; Michael almost couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to her for the most part, treat her like a real person even. But it was either this, where he was detached and not caring, or he was in a bad mood and taking his frustrations out on her or finding one thing or another to criticize her for before using that as an excuse to be awful to her. It…chipped away at her, it was lonely, and it made her feel hollow and worthless – like she wasn’t good for anything much more than just serving her husband and giving him what he needed, and when she fell short she deserved to be punished.

They got married two weeks ago, a little over a year after they had met – or well, after they had been set up. It was Lexa’s family who were responsible for this, they wanted to marry her off as soon as they could; so about a week after she graduated from college, they made sure there was a man looking after her. One of the main reasons for it was that Lexa’s parents didn’t accept the fact that she was gay, and for most of her life, they tried to fix it, fix her. They were able to control her and make sure she didn’t stray down the wrong path or give into her temptations for her whole life. But they also knew they wouldn’t be able to do that forever and the best solution was to get her married, so there would be someone else keeping her in check.

Michael was her dad’s friend’s son, and to them, he was perfect; he went to church, he was strong willed, stern, they knew if anyone could keep their daughter under control and on the right path, it would be him. He didn’t know that she was gay, neither did his family, and Lexa’s parents wanted to keep it that way, they didn’t want anything that would make him not want to marry her – not to mention the irreparable damage it would do to her family’s reputation if anyone found out. So Lexa really didn’t have a choice in the matter, she was practically forced into this marriage. There was a little bit of freedom – if you could even call it that – after college, for the one week where she was looking for a job and not so much as knowing she was going to be set up with a man from her nightmares.

And he really was just that, something out of her nightmares. Michael was controlling and hot tempered and did not know what the word no meant. He needed everything to go his way, expected Lexa to obey him without question, without hesitation – if she didn’t, he believed in there being very real consequences for her because he was her husband. And well, the sad truth was there was nothing Lexa could do but just get used to it, but maybe by this point she was conditioned enough to believe that herself, believe that she did deserve the consequences that came with not listening, not being good enough, for just being herself – it had been her parents in this position while she was growing up, and now it was Michael, so it wasn’t too different really.

Chapter Text

It wasn’t everyday Clarke met someone interesting at work, it had actually been a while since she had met someone who caught her interest – even outside of work – but Lexa definitely did. She actually listened when Clarke talked about her work, about the art they walked past; this was the first time they had met yes, but Clarke was already…in awe of her. There was something about the way Lexa looked at her when she talked about the paintings she was showing her, or telling her about how she acquired a certain piece for the museum. Lexa actually listened, every now and then speaking, telling her what she thought about a certain piece, someone for once not rolling their eyes or forcing smiles as they pretended to not get bored with what Clarke was saying.

Not to mention, she was incredibly beautiful too. Clarke could barely keep her eyes off of her, even in a building full of masterpieces (and multiple replicas of them, of course), Clarke found herself paying more attention to the woman in front of her. Her eyes, the bridge of her nose, the slopes of her neck, those perfect lips, that little crease right above them when she smiled too wide, god Clarke could go on and on and on about her. Maybe the first thought she had when she saw Lexa was how badly she wanted to draw her – not that she had the talent to capture that sort of beauty on paper. Lexa was a masterpiece, she was a work of art and Clarke was nothing is not appreciative of the finer things in life.

They exchanged numbers before Lexa left, she wanted to be shown around town and Clarke was more than happy to do just that. But Clarke couldn’t get much of a read on her, she seemed genuinely interested when Clarke talked about work and art, it didn’t look like she was pretending to pay attention just to impress her or to get Clarke to like her. And it did seem like Lexa wanted to get to know her too but Clarke just wasn’t entirely sure in what capacity. Maybe Clarke had been flirting with her, but Lexa’s responses were quite ambiguous, Lexa was nice and maybe a little playful but she couldn’t be sure if that was Lexa flirting back or just being nice.

Okay fine, Clarke didn’t even know if Lexa was into girls, it was hard to tell with the way their interactions had gone. Clarke’s gaydar was practically broken, nine times out of ten, she got it wrong. But it was fine, she liked to play the field anyways. It was no secret that she would flirt with anything with a pulse, but Clarke would also back off the moment she felt like she needed to – whether it be because they weren’t interested, because they weren’t into people of her gender, or because of any other reason. Like yes, Clarke was shameless in her flirting but she was still going to be respectful about it.

The rest of the day at work was quiet, much like it always was. Clarke didn’t have much to do other than look over the plans for the west wing gallery’s redesign. It was still in the very early stages, they were still going over options and themes, and Clarke was in charge of this one, this would be the first big project she was spearheading, and she was very excited about it. Given that only a little over half the works here weren’t duplicates, Clarke was hoping to source some originals for the small gallery in the west wing. She wasn’t quite sure who she was looking for, or what sort of theme she wanted to go with, but she had more than enough time to figure that all out.

But as she locked her office door and made her out of the museum to the car park, the only thought on Clarke’s mind was Lexa. She was…intrigued by her, there wasn’t any other word that came to Clarke other than just that because there was something very intriguing about her. She was new in town, a lover of the arts, easy on the eyes…she wasn’t the kind of person you saw around here – not often at least. Not to mention, half the people she spoke to at work was to tell them to step back if not to not touch the paintings and statues. They got a lot of children here, either school trips or a cheap day out for the parents who really didn’t care much for the arts – almost like it was a punishment for them to be there. Why not just take the kids to the movies then, or the arcade? Clarke couldn’t help but wonder every time she saw a mom or dad roll their eyes and groan as they walked through the building.

It was a short drive back to her place, just over ten minutes and unlocking the door, Clarke was greeted by a very annoyed meow from her cat. She was most likely taking a nap and did not appreciate being woken up. “Well, I’m sorry I woke you up.” Clarke apologized, shrugging of her coat and taking off her shoes before going to find Catra. She still wondered why she opted for a cat over a dog, Catra was never happy when she got home, never actually greeted her or even walked up to the door to acknowledge the fact that her human was back. Okay well, getting Catra wasn’t planned, she kind of just found the then-kitten in her backyard and didn’t have the heart to not keep her.

Standing in the doorway to her living room, Clarke leaned against the frame, finding the car sprawled out on the couch…on the blanket she had gotten only yesterday and was hoping would remain cat hair free for at least a few days. In Clarke’s defense, she had it folded and draped on the back of the couch, how was she to know that Catra would be determined enough to pull it down to nap on when she had at least half a dozen other blankets to sleep on? “Hi,” She greeted the cat, watching her disapprovingly, “That’s my blanket, by the way.” Catra only meowed at her, not so much as moving, laying on her back and watching Clarke.

“You know if I had a dog instead of you, I would at least have someone be happy that I was home.” Another meow, more annoyed this time. “And you’d just rather I didn’t come back at all, isn’t it?” This time Catra got up, jumping off the couch and walking in the opposite direction of Clarke to where her basket of toys was. “Well don’t worry, I’m heading out soon,” Clarke rolled her eyes with a smile, this time walking to the cat to pick her up. As much as Catra liked to be alone and liked her space, she loved cuddles too; maybe sometimes she pretended that she couldn’t stand her human but Clarke knew better.

Picking the cat up and scratching under her chin, Clarke kissed the top of her head, carrying her out of the living room and upstairs with her. Catra didn’t protest, if anything, she leaned in closer to Clarke, a quiet purr as her human stroked her head and took her up to the bedroom. She was meeting her friends later tonight, not for any particular occasion but just because they hadn’t had the chance to in a while. Clarke was close with her two best friends, Raven and Octavia, to the point where they saw one another almost every day, and if you knew them, you’d think they would spontaneously combust if they went longer than forty-eight hours without being around each other.

It was early, no more than usual as Lexa yawned and pushed herself off of the bed. Just past 6am, giving her an hour until Michael was awake; it used to take her longer when they had just started living together, closer to two hours but Lexa had perfected her morning routine and it was about as efficient as it was going to get. There were two main things she needed to do for him before he got up, and that was get breakfast ready and set out his clothes for the workday. Given that he had an office job, the latter was easy enough as he wore practically the same thing every day, but Lexa did learn the hard way that there couldn’t be even a trace of a wrinkle on his shirt. Every other person would be perfectly fine with ironing their clothes the night before but not Michael, he needed things done in a very particular way and the easiest thing for Lexa was to do it in the morning.

So walking out of the bathroom with her face with damp, Lexa quietly opened the closet, looking through before grabbing the dark gray suit jacket and trousers, and a light blue shirt. It was only the later that needed to be ironed, but she still needed to get his tie and cufflinks, not to mention the socks from the dryer and make sure his shoes were not only clean but polished too. Making her way downstairs and to the laundry room – which was just one side of their basement – Lexa hung up the suit on one of the hooks on the wall before setting the shirt down on the already unfolded ironing board.

It didn’t take more than a few minutes before the fabric was crisp and wrinkle free. Unplugging the iron and setting it aside, Lexa put the shirt back on the hanger and hung it up next to the suit. She was going to give the jacket and the trousers a quick steam to freshen up the fabric; they were in a card box until a day ago, so it didn’t feel the best. The suit was clean and absolutely fine as it was, but Lexa wanted to make sure Michael didn’t have any reason to complain – the happier he was, the better of a day Lexa would have and she knew that very well.

With the clothes now ready, Lexa made her way back upstairs to their bedroom. Making sure to stay quiet, she hung the hangers with the suit and shirt on the handle of the closet, ready for Michael once he wakes up and showers. Stepping away to the dresser, Lexa opened the top drawer and looked down at the rows of neatly rolled ties, deciding on the stripped blue one before turning her attention to the cufflinks. Yes, of course she was the one who organized everything, his clothes, ties, shoes, even his underwear drawer. It was almost like Michael was incapable of doing anything for himself, or well, he expected Lexa to do everything for him (because it was obviously his wife’s job).

The thing was, Lexa wouldn’t mind doing these things for someone she actually cared about and loved, she wouldn’t mind making breakfast and doing the laundry and getting their clothes ready in the morning. She wouldn’t mind doing all those things if she actually wanted to do them, if she had the choice of doing them, if the other person appreciated it, and maybe said thank you every once in a while. But that wasn’t how things were, Lexa was just expected to do all of this, there was never a thank you, never even a smile of acknowledgement, just consequences if things weren’t done the way they needed to be.

This is just how it had always been – she had seen her mother do it for her dad, only her parents loved each another and her dad showed some form off appreciation. So when she got married, Lexa knew she had to do all the same things too; okay well, she was told she had to, Lexa didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. Michael had made it very clear what she had to do, what he expected of her, and he also made it clear what would happen if things didn’t go exactly his way. They had been living together for a whole year now, since before they got married because everyone – other than Lexa – figured it would be a good idea for them to get used to living with one another.

“Good morning,” Lexa greeted as Michael walked into the kitchen.

“Morning Alexandria,” He replied, tightening his tie and sitting down on the small table in the kitchen. “Breakfast ready?”

“Of course.” Lexa forced a smile, setting the entirely too full plate down in front of him. “I’ll grab the coffee,” She stepped away to the coffee machine, pouring it into two mugs and adding sugar to her’s and two sweetener tablets to Michael’s.

Lexa wasn’t hungry just yet, she preferred to have breakfast later in the morning and that worked out well enough because that meant she wouldn’t be interrupted if Michael needed something. Besides, the two of them preferred very different things to eat in the morning; Lexa liked something light, either cereal or granola, maybe with a side of fruits, whereas Michael preferred something hot and, well, greasy, something that would clog up his arteries – and hopefully send him to an early grave. Lexa set one of the coffee mugs in front of Michael, the other across the table before sitting down herself.

“You not hungry?” Michael asked around his bite of hash browns.

Lexa shook her head, “I’ll eat later,” After having lived together for the better part of a year now, you would think he would know she didn’t eat breakfast when he did. “Do you need anything else?”

“Maybe eggs that aren’t overcooked to hell,” He bite out, stuffing half of the fried egg into his mouth. “It’s not the best start to the day.”

There was a certain tone to his words that made Lexa’s body tense, it was the cold, calm anger that scared her the most. “I’m sorry,” She apologized, “It won’t happ-” Michael slamming his mug down on the table cut her off, making her flinch. “Won’t happen again.”

“Better not.” He added as he finished off his breakfast, reaching across the table and grabbing Lexa’s forearm, squeezing a little too hard. “You should know how I like things by now,” Michael held on tighter, “And you should also know what happens when my day doesn’t start the way I want it to.”

Lexa tried to pull her wrist away from his grip, doing her best to keep her face straight. “I’m sorry.” She tried again, Michael’s grip starting to hurt as he kept tightening his grasp. “I’ll do better,” Lexa gasped out, more from the fear of whether or not he was going to do anything else rather than from the pain. “Michael please, it-” It was going to bruise, it was definitely going to bruise.

With a scoff, he pushed her arm away, making it bump into her coffee mug and knocking it over. “I’m going to be late tonight.” Michael spoke calmly, standing up from his seat. “Don’t bother staying up, just leave my dinner out on the table. I’ll be back after midnight.”

Lexa watched him walk away as the coffee dripped from the table onto the floor, her body stiff and unmoving, tense as she waited for him to leave the house. She heard his footsteps leading down the hallway, the shuffling of clothes telling her he was putting his coat on, then hearing as the front door opened. Once Lexa heard the door close behind him, she finally let her body relax, letting out the breath she was holding in from the moment Michael grabbed her arm. With a sigh, she let her head fall into her hands, keeping her breathing from trembling; this was a close call – but nothing new, either – Lexa was half expecting that to have gone a lot worse the moment he reached across the table. But it still got her as shaken up as it always did, it did more to upset her than scare her at this point, left her with this shaky hollow feeling inside.

It took more than a few minutes before Lexa was ready to get up again, her breathing finally back under control, and legs not feeling like jelly. Michael was…intense, he was hot tempered and easy to rile up, and it was just as easy for him to get up and strike her. It didn’t take much, it could have been something as small as those overcooked eggs that would end up with Lexa having a bruise on her face for the next few days. But somehow she got lucky this morning, somehow Michael was in a good enough mood to just…not do anything. And given that he wasn’t going to be home till much later, Lexa would have some much-needed time to herself.

Chapter Text

A little past noon and Lexa was finally leaving the house. There wasn’t much that needed to be done today, so she really did have time to herself to explore a bit more of the town. A part of her wanted to go back to the museum, maybe see Clarke again, but then again, Lexa didn’t want to seem too eager. And besides, there were a couple more places she wanted to check out; the library, a couple of cafes that popped up of Lexa’s last google search of the town, and maybe even go down to the park because it was actually a very nice outside today.

After the morning she had had, maybe Lexa wanted a little company; yes, by their usual standards, it wasn’t that bad but it was much more of the emotional effect Michael had rather than the physical one. So yes, a little company would be nice, just someone she could be…someone else around. The moment she stepped out of the house, Lexa felt like a different person, she felt like it was a break from her life, a break from being Michaels’s wife, from being Alexandria Woo- no, its not Woods anymore, she corrected herself, stopping her train of thoughts – Thompson, it was Alexandria Thompson. Outside the house, she was Lexa, just Lexa and nothing more. She was a different person, she was someone she liked, she was a person who actually had a life, someone who wasn’t a servant to her family and relationships.

It was a long walk to the library, half an hour at a brisk pace but Lexa didn’t mind it, she liked a little physical activity, liked being able to get out of the house and getting some fresh air. She made a stop halfway though, picking up a coffee from a very terrible local café, the first sip of it making Lexa regret spending any money on it – actually, she realized, she wouldn’t be drinking this even if it had been given to her for free. It was bad, and that was being kind, at least that was one place Lexa wouldn’t be returning to. But given the experience with this one place, she wasn’t entirely sure about the cafés and coffee shops she had come across on her numerous google searches that she wanted to visit.

The library was a whole other story though, it was a large building, an old one too, probably here as long as the museum had been if not longer. From the outside, you could tell were at least 3-4 floors inside, and the windows looking in made it look like it was filled to the brim with books. That brought a small smile to Lexa’s face, she had seen more than a few very disappointing libraries, even more disappointing bookshops as more and more people turned to buying their books on Amazon. So this was a pleasant surprise, it would be easy enough to spend a couple of hours here.

“Good afternoon madam, how can I help you?” The exceptionally cheery woman on the other side of the front desk greeted Lexa before she could say anything.

There were very few words Lexa hated in the English language more than madam, even ma’am was better than that and it almost made Lexa cringe a little. There wasn’t any good reason behind it, she just hated the word. “Good afternoon,” She greeted the woman, “I would like a library card please.”

“Of course,” She turned in her swivel chair, retrieving a clipboard with a piece of paper on it. “Just fill this out and I’ll need to see some form of ID, like a driver’s license or passport then I can get you your card.”

“Thank you,” Lexa nodded as she took the pen and clipboard from her, stepping away to sit down and fill it out.

“Thank you, this is going to be a great addition to the museum.” Clarke smiled as she said her goodbyes and walked out of the – stupidly and unnecessarily large – living room. “I’ll see you two on Friday night.”

She was off from the museum today, for work of course, picking up a new painting that was being very generously donated to them by one of the very wealthy families in town, the Lightbournes. One of the two actually, they were both huge donors to the museum, both in cheques and artwork. And they liked Clarke, tended to ask for her specifically when they were dealing with the museum, whether it be because they needed something or because they were planning another donation. They held a lot of events there too, hired out galleries and rooms for parties or fundraisers or anything else of that sort. And well, it helped that when Clarke made things go their way, she got a fairly generous tip.

Walking out of the building and towards her car, Clarke felt the smart watch on her wrist buzz, telling her she had received a text. It was from an unknown number, Clarke looking at it in confusion before retrieving her phone from her bag to get a better look at it.

Unknown number

1:03pm

Hey, it’s Lexa. It was really nice to meet you yesterday. If I were to stop by the museum today, would I maybe see you?

Clarke couldn’t help but smile at the text, maybe she did have a well enough read on Lexa after all. Quickly saving the number onto her phone, she typed out her reply.

Clarke

1:04pm

if you were to stop by in an hour, i will be yes

Clarke

1:04pm

i’m not there right now but i’m on my way back

Lexa

1:04pm

Sounds good, I’ll see you then.

Clarke

1:05pm

have you had lunch?

Lexa

1:05pm

I have not, why?

Clarke

1:06pm

meet me in the museum’s café at 2. its upstairs

Lexa

1:06pm

There’s an upstairs?

If Clarke was being honest, she was a little disappointed last night when she hadn’t heard from Lexa, a part of her thinking that her gaydar had once again lead her astray. But this possibly changed things, Lexa wouldn’t be texting her and asking if she going to be at the museum so she could see her if she wasn’t at least a little bit interested. And well, Clarke was looking forward to seeing her now, the little time they spend yesterday wasn’t nearly enough. As much as she didn’t want to get her hopes up for anything at all, she was at least hoping her and Lexa could be friends. And getting lunch together was a good start.

“Hey,” Clarke greeted as she walked up to the café’s entrance, exactly at the same time as Lexa.

“Well, isn’t this good timing?” Lexa gave her a smile in greeting, following her inside. “Late start today?” She asked Clarke, walking close behind her.

“No, I had to go pick up a new piece for the museum.” Clarke answered, stepping up to the counter to get lunch.

They made small conversation as they got food, Clarke going for a sandwich and juice box, and Lexa a Caesar salad with a can of Diet Coke, before sitting down. Clarke was on her lunch break right now, and Lexa didn’t have anywhere she needed to be until much later. So once they had their food, they sat down and talked. Conversation flowed quite easily between the two of them, they clicked instantly, like old friends reconnecting, not running out of things to talk about. Clarke filled Lexa in on how she picked up a new piece for the museum, followed by telling her about the Lightbournes, and Lexa telling her how she spent a little too long at the library today, but checking out only two books by some miracle.

“So is it the art that makes you keep coming back or something else?” Okay, that was a little bold, Clarke realized once she asked Lexa, not entirely sure what came over her when the question left her mouth.

Lexa’s eyes widened slightly at the question, not expecting something quite as straight forward as that but pulled herself together within the blink of an eye. “There’s art in here?” She asked lightly, smiling at how Clarke laughed at her response. It was a warm sound, sweet and infectious, a sound that made Lexa feel…happy and safe almost. “Huh, I didn’t notice.” She quipped, eyes turning down, trying to suppress the smile as she forked another bite of the bland salad into her mouth.

“Why Lexa, do tell what makes you keep coming back, then.” Clarke quirked an eyebrow, leaning forward on the table and looking at Lexa very intently.

“Well, I mean…” Lexa started, her elbow going on the table as she rested her chin on it, her eyes finding Clarke’s. “The company’s not bad, it’s quite great actually.”

“Oh?” Clarke was holding her gaze, watching those subtle flickers and changes in Lexa’s eyes as she looked at Clarke, studying her, waiting for her response. There was an intensity there, the green and gray shifting in the bright sunlight that was streaming into the café from the high windows.

There was a subtle nod from Lexa, her eyes doing its best to not look down at her lips. They were close, very close; it was a small table, not really big enough for two people and with them leaning forward with their arms on the table, they were definitely a little too close. And maybe, Lexa wasn’t used to being in this close proximity of another person. Or well, half the time she wasn’t this close to someone else by choice because nothing good came out of it. Lexa couldn’t entirely describe how Clarke was looking at her right now, there was something there that she had never seen before in someone looking at her, but whatever it was, Lexa wanted more of it – it was raw and intense and although they barely knew each other, it felt like Clarke could see straight into her soul. And obviously, it wasn’t causing a redness to creep up her neck and cheeks.

“You have beautiful eyes,” Clarke spoke quietly after a long pause, a playful hint in her voice.

Lexa was not expecting that, or the way she was still watching her. It made her expression falter and breath hitch for a moment, facing falling as it finally hit her that Clarke was actually flirting with her. “Oh, I uh- hmm?”

A laugh broke out of Clarke at how flustered the woman across from her was, her head falling back at how absolutely adorable Lexa sounded. “You’re adorable.”

Fuck, Lexa swallowed hard as she heard the front door. Michael was back, he had most likely been drinking, and it seemed like he was in a bad mood. Or well, it sounded like it. Lexa could tell exactly how he was feeling and what kind of day/night it was going to be given the sound of his footsteps and by the way he closed the front door. She had left his dinner on the table, a little post-it note with instructions on how to heat it up in the microwave because yes, that is how incapable he was of doing anything for himself. But instead of his footsteps leading towards the kitchen, Lexa heard them come up the stairs and to the bedroom.

Maybe if she pretended to be asleep, he would just let her be. Not to mention, he was always infinitely worse when he had been drinking, and if he was out late with his friends, he tended to come home drunk. But it didn’t seem like he was as he very loudly came into the bedroom, no regard for the fact that his wife might be asleep given that it was well past midnight right now. Closing the door behind him with a loud click, Michael made his way towards the bathroom rather than the bed while unbuttoning his shirt. Lexa only lay still, listening to his movements, doing her best to gauge what kind of night it was going to be for her and maybe, just maybe, if he thought she was asleep and completely out of his way, he wouldn’t bother doing anything because he wouldn’t be provoked.

Instead of him leaving the room, Lexa heard him make his way to the dresser and open it, no doubt looking for a change on clothes. But Michael shut the drawer loudly, with enough force to rattle it and even knock over a couple of the objects that were on it. It made Lexa’s eyes widening at the surprise of it, a lump forming in her throat as she told herself to relax and just keep calm because this might not fire back onto her, maybe he just closed the drawer a little too hard unintentionally or because he didn’t care but about being loud, maybe it didn’t mean he wasn’t actually angry.

“Wake up!”

Yeah, that was just wishful thinking, Lexa realized as she heard him call out. “What’s wrong?” She asked, quickly moving to sit up and look at him in the dimly lit room.

“I work hard, I’m at work all day, I provide for you and take care of you, right?” Michael asked her, his tone cold and measured, jaw clenched as he waited for her to reply. “Answer me dammit.” He slammed his closed fist onto the top of the dresser, making Lexa jump.

“Y-yes, you do.” She finally answered, doing her best to keep her voice from trembling.

“Then why can’t you do the smallest, most simplest of things for me?” He asked her, voice calm with that cold anger Lexa hated more than anything else.

“I’m sorry,” Lexa stuttered out, unsure what she was even apologizing for. “I-”

“You what?” Michael snapped. “You spend your entire fucking day at home and still things don’t get done around here. Tell me, Alexandria, what do you do all day?” He waited a moment, watching as Lexa lowered her gaze. “Dinner is halfway edible on a good day, the living room looks like it did last night after I went to bed, there’s a pile of shoes in the hallway, and I don’t have any clean clothes in the goddamned drawer.”

“I…I did the laundry day before yesterday there should b-”

“Should be what?” He spat out, stepping closer to the bed, towards Lexa. “There should be a decent dinner waiting for me, there should be clean clothes in the dresser, there should be a clean house for me to come home to.” He yelled out at her, his voice only increasing with each word.

“I’m sorry, there must be some clothes still in the dryer,” Lexa spoke quietly and quickly, trying to keep from annoying him any further as she moved to get up from the bed. “I’ll go get them for you,” She pushed herself off the bed in a rush, practically running towards the door.

But she got two steps from the bed before Michael grabbed her arm and threw her onto the floor. “Tell me why it’s too much for me to expect my wife to do the most basic tasks?” He asked her angrily, practically fuming as he looked down at her. “You are fucking useless Alexandria.” Michael yelled at her, kicking his right foot into the side of Lexa’s stomach.

It knocked the air out of her, Lexa letting out a grunt as her arms went to block the next kick from hitting her stomach. So instead, it hit her forearms and Lexa winced at the pain. “I’m sorry.”

Michael stood over her, disapprovingly shaking his head. “I love you, and I provide for you, and I take care of you, and this is what I get in return?” He asked rhetorically, his foot coming up but instead of kicking her this time, he stepped on the side of her face.

“I’ll do better.” Lexa gasped out, trying to hide the quiver in her bottom lips as she felt Michael put more of his weight down on her jaw with his very thick soled oxfords. “I’m sorry I’m trying my best I-”

“No, you’re not.” He told her calmly, holding his foot steady, putting just enough pressure that he knew it would hurt her. “If you were, we wouldn’t be here right now.”

“I’m sorry,” That was really all she could do, Lexa could only apologize and hope that it would be enough to have Michael step down. “I-”

“Shut up,” Michael cut her off, removing his foot and spitting on her face before finally walking away towards the door. “Get up, you look pathetic down there.” With that he left the room, leaving to go downstairs.

Lexa waited until he had left, until she could hear his footsteps down the stairs before letting herself break down. She clasped a hand over her mouth, not wanting to be heard as the sobs broke out of her, unable to move or get herself off of the floor just yet. It was…a lot, and she was trying her best, she was doing everything she could to keep the house running and to keep her husband happy. But she fell short, and Lexa had a feeling it had to do with how much she didn’t want to be here, how she didn’t love Michael, and how she would give literally anything to have her life turn out differently. Yes she cared about him, and yes she wanted things to work out and go smoothly with the two of them. But she knew, subconsciously at least, that her heart wasn’t in it

She had made peace with it, she had a long time ago, even before the wedding, even before meeting Michael, Lexa had made peace with the fact that this is how her life was going to turn out. Maybe she saw a little less physical violence in her future but given how her father had been growing up, it wasn’t anything she hadn’t experienced before, anything she couldn’t handle. But it didn’t make it easier, it didn’t hurt any less – physically or emotionally – it didn’t upset her any less, and it sure as hell didn’t make her any less miserable. And well, as much as she had accepted this life, Lexa still couldn’t help but wonder what it could’ve been like if she was allowed to be herself, if she was allowed to live her truth.

Chapter Text

There was a bruise on her face. Of course there was a bruise on her face, Lexa sighed as she looked at herself in the mirror after Michael had left for work. She had seen it right after waking up but didn’t have much time to so much as pay attention to it because she was already ten minutes behind her morning schedule. But once he had left, Lexa made a beeline for the nearest mirror in the hallway to check the damage from last night. The blue from the bruise had blossomed across the left side of her jaw, smaller than Lexa was expecting it to be but knowing very well that it would get darker over the next twenty-four hours. It was noticeable as it was, but by now Lexa was very good at hiding them behind makeup.

She probably wouldn’t be going anywhere today, maybe later if she was feeling a little better. The fresh air always helped, and it was nice getting out of the house too so Lexa would make an effort to go out for lunch. Mostly though, she was planning on spending her day in the kitchen because Michael tended to be more unhappy than not about dinner; and well, she didn’t want a repeat of what happened last night over it – okay, that was most likely just an excuse of Michael to hurt her, but Lexa didn’t want to give him the excuse. She wanted him to be happy, she wanted to make sure she was doing what was expected of her, that she was doing her duties; she was his wife after all, and it wasn’t entirely excusable to not be able to get the simplest things done. Like making a decent dinner. It wasn’t that Lexa didn’t try, it was just that she wasn’t good at cooking; she did her best, she really did, she followed the recipes to a T, did things exactly how she should but…it didn’t work out that well.

She was doing her best, none of this was part of her plan but Lexa was still doing everything she could be the person everyone wanted her to be. She was trying to be the perfect daughter, and a good enough wife, but no matter what Lexa did, she kept falling short. Michael wouldn’t hold back when there was any sort of criticism to be made, whether that be verbally or otherwise. Her parents had been the same too, especially her dad and no matter what Lexa did to make them happy or proud of her, she could never be the person they wanted her to be. Nothing was ever enough, it was never enough because it all came down to the fact that she was gay, and until she worked past it, and repented for her sins, she would never be good enough for them.

Michael didn’t know, her family made it a point to make sure no one would ever find out that their daughter was confused and thought she was gay. Lexa hadn’t told them herself, she never had the courage to, but they sort of figured it out when she was a teenager. And from that moment on, her already difficult family life was made infinitely worse. Her parents controlled every part of her life, Lexa was dependent on them and they wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible. Which is why they had her married off so soon after college – she met Michael a month after graduating, and that was it really. Her father’s logic was that him and his wife wouldn’t be around to make sure their daughter was staying on the right path by giving into her urges. So the best thing to do was basically just hand her off to someone who would be able to control her the way they had and keep her from straying.

Her family was very religious; they went to church every Sunday, every holiday, and they also used their beliefs to excuse their hate, and even the way they raised their children. Lexa had an older brother, they weren’t close, they might as well not even be related because of how differently their parents treated them. He was a boy, their perfect son, and she was the disappointment, the one who had to be kept under control so she didn’t ruin their reputation. That was one good thing about moving away from her hometown, she was finally away from them, she had finally gotten away from her family. Although it meant being alone with Michael, it was still better than being around both him and her parents.

With another sigh, Lexa stepped away from the mirror, pushing her thoughts to the back of her mind as she made her way to the kitchen to make herself some coffee. She was stressed, more so than normal and one of the very few ways she knew to deal with that stress was by cleaning. Most times when Lexa had a lot on her mind and was fidgety with nervous energy, she got it out my cleaning – there wasn’t much more she could do anyways, she was kind of just on her own, and the house could always use an extra thorough clean – even though they had just moved here a couple of weeks ago.

Pouring the coffee into her mug, Lexa added the sugar before stirring and stepping away to sit down. She set the mug down on the small breakfast table, pulling the chair back and moving to sit down. But the corner of it hit her side, Lexa letting out a hiss off pain as her hands flew to the very tender side of her ribs where Michael had kicked her last night. Shaking her head, Lexa took a small sip of her coffee and set it back down before pulling up her shirt to take a look at her side. There was bruise, a bad one too, the skin had already darkened, blue and purple with the edges more gray, and it hadn’t even been that long. She could only imagine what it would look like after a while. But at least it would be hidden under her clothes so Lexa wouldn’t have to worry about covering it up.

“Clarke, we have a small situation.”

No, that was not the first thing she wanted to hear when she came into work. Clarke had a late start today, an hour after the museum opened but it tended to be uneventful here for the most part. “What kind of situation?” Clarke asked the woman at the front desk in response.

“A kid projectile vomited in Gallery H,”

“Okay…?” Clarke wasn’t entirely sure why Maya was telling her that. “Shouldn’t you be telling the janitors that and not me?”

“Yes, and I have but the kid projectile vomited on the Kay Sage in that gallery.”

“No!” Clarke exclaimed a little too loudly, eyes widening. “That’s an original.”

Maya nodded sadly, “Yeah…”

Clarke sighed, shaking her head before speaking, “Are any of the conservators in today?” It was a long shot that any of them would be here; they were understaffed, and the more specialist roles were only part time. And so it wasn’t much of a surprise when Maya shook her head. “Awesome, I’m going to go make some phone calls.” She was pulling out her phone before she had even stepped away from the front desk, scrolling through her contacts, looking for someone who could deal with this mess.

No, things like this didn’t happen often, but thankfully this wasn’t the first time it had so Clarke knew exactly what to do. First, she needed to go see how bad it was, take the painting down and into one of the studios at the back, then she needed to get a hold of one of the conservators who worked for the museums that could come down as soon as possible. But she would have to find someone who could work with this sort of art and the sooner they could be here the better. There was a reason food and drinks weren’t allowed in the museum galleries, and if it was up to Clarke, she would stop very young children from being in here too, have a minimum age requirement to enter, or have only specific galleries open to the younger patrons.

Thankfully the damage wasn’t too bad, it was a huge mess that needed to be cleaned mostly, but a good part of it needed to be restored too. Once Clarke had it down and in the studio, she made a call to one of the conservators in her contacts – an old friend of her’s actually, Wells – being told that he would be here in under fifteen minutes. So, that was good, small crisis but it had been averted. Chances were though, it would take a couple of days for the painting to be back up and Wells had another job so Clarke wasn’t sure how fast he was going to be able to get this done.

Maybe huffing and puffing a little unnecessarily as she sat in her office, Clarke turned on her computer and tried to occupy her mind with some other work. No, this wasn’t a great start to the day but she had dealt with it, Wells was on his way, and the only thing she could do right now was something else to keep herself busy. There were a couple of emails that needed to be responded to, she had a few more things to take care of for the party here on Friday night for the Lightbournes. When Clarke had started working here, she was really under the impression that she would be responsible for curating only the art and not managing literally everything to do with the galleries. But oh well, the people liked her, her bosses liked her, and the pay was good so she wasn’t complaining – so were the tips from certain clients. Clarke was just a little amused at how she managed to find herself doing something that required her to be more than just a little responsible.

“Clarke?” There was a knock on the door, making her look up to find someone from the events management team.

“Yeah?”

“The caterers for Friday night cancelled.” He looked genuinely scared to be the one breaking the news to her.

“What?!” Clarke exclaimed, even more loudly than she had at Maya at the front desk. “It’s Thursday!” She looked down at her desk in a panic, picking up her phone to double check the date, willing it to be at least Wednesday. “Where am I supposed to find someone in such short notice?” Her hands came up, rubbing her temples as she thought about it and tried to make some sense of this mess. “Why did they cancel, are we getting the deposit back?”

“Yes, we are and the lady on the phone just said something serious had come up and they couldn’t do it.”

“Well, that’s just great, that’s a perfect excuse.” Clarke sighed sarcastically. “Can you ask Nathan to come down here? We’ll figure something out hopefully, the Lightbournes will not want to cancel, not a day before the party.”

Nathan was the events manager, he worked closely with Clarke whenever there were any big events being planned here. It seemed like people preferred dealing with Clarke, she was a people person but she also didn’t take anyone’s bullshit whereas Nathan would rollover pretty easily to keep his clients happy. And if he was being honest, the Lightbourne family kind of scared him; they were intimidating, controlled most of the town, and they wanted things to go their way. So Nathan didn’t really know how Clarke managed to keep them happy all the while getting things done in the best interest of the museum.

.

“So, the Blakes just saved our asses.” Clarke said as she put the phone down, her best friend’s brother had a catering company and they were very much up to the task. This was very short notice and not the people the Lightbournes wanted, but this was the best they could do right now; and besides, Bellamy’s food was great so Clarke wasn’t too worried about that, just worried about them getting everything ready in time. “Let’s get lunch, we’ll circle back with Bellamy later today to see how he’s doing.”

She needed a little break after this morning, it definitely was not a good day and the least Clarke could do was treat herself for putting out two fires before even noon. It was past 1pm now, about time for her lunch break so a little walk to get food sounded like a good idea. The weather wasn’t the best though, Clarke realized once she stepped outside, a light drizzle and the chill in the air had a sharp bite to it. But it still felt nice, helped her clear her mind and relax after the stressful morning – and noon. She rubbed her eyes as she walked, deciding on the small diner about ten minutes from the museum because their mac and cheese with a side of curly fries, and possibly a milkshake was exactly what she needed right now.

What Clarke wasn’t expecting though, was seeing a face in a corner booth that as growing increasingly familiar to her. She could only see the side of her face though, the chestnut curls hiding half of it but Clarke could see that she was hunched over, and if she didn’t know any better, she’d say Lexa looked upset. Maybe it was none of her business, maybe Lexa was still a stranger because they really had spent only less than a handful of hours together but Clarke couldn’t help but make her way to her. She gave a friendly wave in greeting to one of the waitresses, she had been working here for as long as Clarke could remember and by now, everyone knew one other quite well.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were following me.” Clarke joked as she approached the table Lexa was seated at, coming from behind with a small smile playing on her lips.

But Clarke’s face fell as Lexa turned her head to look at her, she looked tired and upset and exhausted, and all of a sudden Clarke was worried.

“Clarke,” Lexa breathed out, not having it in her to so much as smile at the other woman in greeting. Actually, there was a little confusion there, she wasn’t expecting to see Clarke here, after all, it was Thursday so she had work.

“Hey,” Clarke looked at her worryingly, “Everything okay?” She watched her for a moment, asking carefully.

Lexa nodded immediately, her hand going rub her jaw and cursing herself mentally for not putting enough concealer over the bruise to hide it. It wasn’t too dark, and with the foundation she was wearing, you couldn’t really see it unless you came too close. “Yeah, yeah.” She nodded quickly. “What are you doing here, I thought you’d be at work?”

Clarke nodded, standing next to the table, not wanting to intrude by sitting down in case Lexa wanted to be alone or was here with somewhere else. “Lunch break, I needed to get some air.”

“Long day?”

Clarke nodded, “Had two crisises before noon, but it’s fine.” She sighed, questioning whether or not crisises was even a word or if it was just crisis. “What about you, you look like you’ve had a long day too.”

Lexa only sighed, not giving much of an answer. “Sit down,” She gestured towards the seat opposite her, “I can keep you company.”

“Oh, I don’t want to impose,” Clarke added quickly, despite really wanting to join her. “You look like you want to be alone an-”

“No, no,” Lexa stopped her, “Please, I’d love it if you’d join me.”

Clarke gave in, taking off her jacket before sliding into the booth opposite Lexa. But settling into her seat, something caught her eye, a dark patch on the underside of Lexa’s left jaw. “Oh my god, what happened to your face?”

“Oh!” Lexa’s eyes widened, caught off guard by that question. Yeah, Clarke was much closer to her than she was expecting anyone to be today so she could most likely see the bruise quite well. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” She waved it off, “How’s your day going?”

“Exhausting,” Clarke answered before going back to what happened to Lexa. “Did you get hurt?”

“Really, it’s nothing, I’m fine.” Lexa tried, “What’s happening at work?” She was trying really hard to change the subject, she would much rather listen to Clarke talk about her day and what crisis she had to deal with than talk about her morning.

“Kid’s shouldn’t be allowed in the museum.” Clarke answered quickly, not as interested in talking about her day as making sure Lexa was alright. “Lexa, there’s a bruise on your face, what happened?” If this was one of her friends, Clarke would’ve yelled at them for diverting the question so many times.

“Uh,” Lexa let out an uncertain sigh, straightening her back. “I uh,” She thought about it, unsure what sort of excuse would pass with Clarke. “I fell when going up the stairs,” Lexa finally answered. “One of the steps hit me straight on the jaw, that’s all.” She shrugged lightly, but Clarke was looking at her with worried eyes. “It must’ve gotten darker because it wasn’t really visible last time I checked, but it doesn’t hurt or anything,”

Clarke wasn’t entirely convinced though, “Doesn’t look like it,” She told her, “That it doesn’t hurt, doesn’t look like it doesn’t hurt.” She quickly added, correcting herself when she noticed the shift in Lexa’s expression, almost defensive when Clarke said it doesn’t look like it.

“Looks worse than it is, don’t worry, I’m fine.” Lexa told her with a forced smile, really wanting to move past this topic.

Clarke gave a single nod, about to say something when the waitress approached, asking Clarke if she wanted the usual or if she wanted the menu. By now, she had the menu memorized, she didn’t need to take a look and only smiled at the older woman before ordering a mac and cheese and two chocolate milkshakes – one for her, and one for Lexa.

“Clarke, its freezing outside.” Lexa commented regarding the milkshare after Clarke placed the order.

“It’s warm in here.” She shrugged. “And you’re going to want to try the milkshake, it’s amazing. Trust me, it can fix any sort of day.”

“That’s a tall order for a milkshake.” Lexa quirked an eyebrow, she did have a long day after all, and maybe Clarke walking in here was the best thing that could’ve happened. “What happened at work, why don’t you want children in there?”

“You don’t even want to know,” Clarke sighed, shaking her head before letting her shoulders slump. “This kid projectile vomited onto a painting.”

“Please tell me it was at least a replica.” Clarke only shook her head slowly, “Oh no…”

It was nice talking to her, once Lexa found out the painting was going to be fine, she got a kick out of the story. Clarke wasn’t expecting to run into her here, but she was glad she did, she really needed this. Well, it looked like they both needed this; talking to her was a breath of fresh air, it was the perfect break from the day Clarke had had at work so far. She didn’t know what it was about her, Lexa was easy to talk to, made her feel lighter, the way she looked at her, the way she listened so intently, it helped release that tension in her shoulders and make her relax just a little bit.

Clarke made her smile for the first time all day, after the morning Lexa had had she was feeling miserable. Even after finally getting out of the house, and sitting here with a plate of fries and coffee, Lexa was feeling…empty. The way she felt with how Michael treated her and spoke to her, Lexa felt like she needed to push it down and not let it get to her, because well, at this point, after all this time with him Lexa didn’t have the energy to do much more than just that. She couldn’t think about it too much, she couldn’t let it get to her because if she did, all it would do is make her even more depressed. So it was nice spending this hour with Clarke, they seem to just…connect and as she sat there in the corner booth, Lexa felt like she had known Clarke her whole life.

Chapter Text

It had been a couple of weeks since Lexa and Michael had moved here, about enough time for them both to settle into their new lives. It wasn’t easy if Lexa was being honest, she was all alone with Michael, she had to take care of the house to the point of it having to be perfect, and she had to make sure she was keeping her husband happy. Which, despite her best efforts, wasn’t working out too well because he would find one thing or another to be unhappy and angry about. Michael on the other hand was doing great, he was settling in just fine at work, he went out more than half the nights with his colleagues, and he had his wife all to himself, she had no one else she needed to pay attention to, just him.

The one good thing Lexa had to say though, was that she had met Clarke. They met about two weeks ago now and they had been spending…a decent amount of time together. It was a small town after all, there was a chance they would run into one another even if they weren’t planning on it – they both liked getting coffee from the same place, and the diner had already become one of Lexa’s favorite spots, it was quiet and warm and cozy and just being in there was enough to improve her mood. And the few times they had actually planned to see each other, Lexa had a really good time; she liked spending time with Clarke, she liked talking to her, listening to her, just being in her company. Clarke made her smile, made her feel good about herself, because when she was around her Lexa was just herself, she was just Lexa, someone with no expectations, no one to take care of, no one to worry about keeping happy (…enough that she didn’t get beaten).

There was a little hide-and-seek around the house with Michael because of Clarke, Lexa didn’t know how he would react to her spending so much time with someone, so she was doing her best to keep it hidden. She’d had friends back home, friends she had made in college and people she worked with. But Michael didn’t like that, didn’t approve, and the more time they were together, the more controlling he became – in everything really, which included when and how much Lexa could see her friends. Simply put, he didn’t like Lexa’s attention being on anything or anyone but him, and bit by bit he made sure she was spending as little time as possible with her friends. By the time they had left, Lexa didn’t really have anyone – which had made easy to leave – so it also made her worry that if Michael found out about Clarke, he would stop her from spending so much time with her.

At least Lexa didn’t have to worry about him checking her phone, he did give her her privacy; Michael didn’t think Lexa had much of a life outside of the house and honestly, he couldn’t be bothered to care that much, and honestly, Lexa was grateful for that. Her and Clarke texted a lot, maybe Clarke flirted a little sometimes, and maybe Lexa flirted back too because well…it was hard not to. Clarke paid attention to her, she was nice to her, she made her smile, and it wasn’t like she got this kind of attention from anyone else. And given everything, even if Clarke wasn’t flirting with her, it would be really hard for her to not start developing some sort of feelings for her.

Speaking of which…

Clarke

10:58am

so i got my hands on a very nice piece today but it won’t be out on the museum floor for a while. and although its a replica its incredibly beautiful and it made me think of you

Clarke

10:58am

made me think that you’d want to see it that is

Lexa’s face broke into a small smile, maybe a warmth creeping up her cheeks too because if she didn’t know any better, it sounded like Clarke just called her beautiful.

Clarke

10:59am

are you free?

Lexa

11:00am

Unfortunately, I’m not. Not yet anyways. But I will be in an hour or two if that’s okay?

Clarke

11:00am

yeah that’s great. come straight to my office we can grab lunch together

It was laundry day, that’s why she was busy. The dryer would be done in about half an hour, then she’d need to iron and fold the clothes before putting them away. Not to mention, she needed to figure out what to make for dinner tonight because Michael was in an already bad mood when he had left. It wasn’t anything she did, he just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and everything was just…tense the entire morning. Thankfully, he didn’t say or do anything, but there was a bite to his words and a sharpness in his look that made Lexa anxious and uneasy. And she knew one wrong word, or one step in the wrong direction would give Michael exactly the excuse he needed.

“You got a date or something?”

Clarke heard her best friend’s voice as she went about cleaning her office, she didn’t get visitors often and well, it’s not that her office was dirty, it was just very messy. It was actually nothing short of chaos, there were files and papers everywhere, too many notebooks and sketchbooks – about half of them empty – for Clarke to keep count of, not to mention the scraps of pages with scribbles and doodles. But she did ask Lexa to meet her here so the least she could do was make it look half presentable. Raven was coming over to pick up her girlfriend – who worked here – so Clarke asked her to bring over lunch, she didn’t specify that it was for two people but the food she had asked for was very clearly not just for herself.

“What? No.” Clarke turned to walk over to her, taking the brown paper bag Raven was holding out.

“Well, you’re cleaning your office, you look like you’re wearing makeup, and you asked me to bring over lunch for two.” Raven stated with a quirked eyebrow, Clarke never cleaned her office it was awful in here, you could just barely see the floor, and most days she didn’t really wear makeup to work, not unless she had reason to.

“I have a friend coming over and she’s never been in my office so I don’t want her to see this mess.” Clarke stated simply.

“What friend?” Raven inquired, following her into the office, standing in her space as she went about cleaning and ignoring her.

“A new friend.” Clarke answered, choosing to ignore how close Raven was standing. “She’s new in town and she’s into art and I got a new painting that she’d like, so I asked her to come.”

“Oh?” Raven wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. “So you’re having lunch with her and then taking her to the back?”

“Oh my god,” Clarke swatted her arm. “Raven, shut up. It’s not like that.”

“But it could be like that.” She answered with a grin, following Clarke as she stepped away from her. “You want it to be like that.”

Clarke scoffed, “Go pick up Luna and get out of here.”

Yes, she asked Lexa to come over for lunch, and yes she did offer to show her a new painting but that was because they were friends. Clarke did accidentally call her beautiful today and that was definitely not flirting, she was merely stating a fact, she was just being friendly. Okay fine, Clarke was hoping for it to be more than that, she was actively working on there being more than that. After all, she was getting all the right signals from Lexa, she seemed interested, she returned all the flirtatious looks and playful texts, so Clarke had a feeling, if she were to ask her out, she would say yes.

It was another half hour before Clarke heard a knock on her door, making her look up from the computer screen.

“Hi,” Lexa smiled as she stepped into the office, her eyes immediately getting drawn to the wall behind Clarke’s desk. “Wow,” She couldn’t help but breathe out, eyes scanning over the numerous sketches and drawings hanging on the wall – well, they weren’t hanging as much as they were haphazardly stuck to it with thumbtacks or BluTack. The small room was a little messy, clean but messy, stacks of books and papers on the floor by the walls, a scattering of stationary and even more paper on the desk. And not to mention the walls, there was a white board and cork board on one of them, the one behind Clarke of course was covered in sheets of papers with drawings, the remaining two adorned with framed paintings.

“Hey,” Clarke replied, smiling back at her. “Glad you could come.”

“I don’t think I could’ve said no to that offer,” Lexa replied lightly, stepping further into the room and sitting down on the chair across from Clarke’s desk. “Are those your’s?” It was hard to tell, there was no common style in the works, some in black and white, some colored in, that too with the media differing from one to another, some of them were more complete, whereas a few were just messy linework.

Clarke’s eyes turned to what Lexa was looking at for a moment before nodding, “Yeah, I have a habit of scribbling.”

“Scribbling?” Lexa questioned, “They’re beautiful,”

But Clarke only scoffed, tapping her temple. “Please, that’s just some of the mess going on up here that makes its way out.”

“I mean, if that’s only some of what’s in there, I’d love to know what your thoughts look like.”

“Messy,” Clarke gestured towards the rest of the room with both arms. “If you couldn’t tell from the state of my office.”

“I am still very intrigued.” Lexa shrugged. “You just seem like a very interesting person, Clarke last-name-I-do-not-know.”

“It’s Griffin.” She really liked how it sounded when Lexa said her name, and Clarke wanted to smack herself right now because her mind had jumped to thinking about what it would sound like if Lexa said it in a very different setting.

That name sounded familiar, Lexa unsure why or from where but she shrugged it off, it wasn’t important right now. “Well, Clarke Griffin, I think you’re an incredibly interesting person-”

But a noise interrupted her, Clarke’s stomach grumbling. “I skipped breakfast.” She explained, waving it off and doing her best to not let the embarrassment show on her face, “Lunch?”

“Sounds good,”

“Burgers sound alright?” Clarke asked, turning in her chair and picking up the brown paper back before returning to face Lexa.

They sounded great actually, it had been a while since Lexa had a decent burger and according to Clarke this was from the best burger joint in town. Lexa had expected to have lunch up in the café with her but it turned out Clarke had other plans. They could have very easily gone to the café upstairs but Clarke said she wanted to do her one better because the food up there wasn’t great and since they didn’t get to do this often, she wanted to do something a little more special than the bland prepackaged salads. It was sweet, it was really sweet, Lexa wasn’t used to people putting in any effort for her, or doing something for her.

“Your art is amazing, by the way.” Lexa said after a while, her eyes back on the wall of drawings and sketches. They were talking about the museum and some of the artworks, some of the ones Lexa liked, some of the ones she had yet to see.

“I’m no artist.” Clarke shook her head, swallowing the bite she was chewing. “But it’s hard to not feel inspired when I’m surrounded by so many amazing artworks all day.”

“What got you into art?” Lexa asked, leaning back into her seat.

“Honestly, I’ve been coming here since I was a little kid.” Clarke answered. “But I’ve never been an artist myself, but I was very interested in art and the artists and the history behind it all.” She took a sip of her soda, setting it down on the desk. “So when I went to college, I knew I wanted to work at a museum. I studied art history and right before I graduated, there was an opening for a curator here. I wanted to move back home anyways, and this was far from an entry level job, but I hit all their requirements and I managed to ace the interview so I couldn’t say no.”

“Museum curator straight out of college?” Lexa asked, and Clarke nodded. “That’s very impressive.”

“Museum curator in a small town, don’t forget that part.” She added. “No one in town wanted the job,” Clarke shook her head, a small laugh bubbling out of her. “Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of very smart people in this town but it just seems like no one is into the arts. The people are great, they really are, you’re going to feel right at home here but I have probably met less than a handful of people who were interested in any form of art.”

“It has been nice her,” Lexa agreed, only half meaning it; the town was nice, so were the people, but Lexa spent most of her time stuck at home and with her not-so-nice husband.

“What brought you here though?” Clarke finally asked her, it was something she had been wondering for a while. “People don’t tend to move here, or out of here.”

“Honestly?” Lexa started, running through the options for her answers in her head. “I don’t know, I wanted a change, wanted to move somewhere quiet, I guess.” There was a lump in her throat, not really wanting to talk about this and Lexa was hoping it wouldn’t show in her voice. “I’m sorry, I don’t really have a better answer for you.”

“It’s as good of a reason as any.” Clarke shrugged, not pushing any further because she could tell from Lexa’s tone that this wasn’t something she wanted to talk about. It did make her wonder though; no one moved here, it was quite uneventful and it almost felt like Lexa was hiding something from her. Like maybe she was running from her past, trying to get away from something, but okay, this wasn’t Clarke’s place to pry, they didn’t know each other well enough yet for her to open up. And the last thing Clarke wanted was to make Lexa uncomfortable, if she didn’t want to talk about it, she shouldn’t have to. “So what about you, what do you do, I don’t think I ever asked.” She had been wondering though, Lexa was free during the day but tended to be busy at night, and she still hadn’t mentioned what she did.

“Freelance writer.” Lexa answered simply; it had taken her some time to come up with a believable cover story because she knew Clarke was bound to ask her sooner or later. “I can’t get myself to work during the day.” She added, she had never explained why she was always free when Clarke texted her during the day but couldn’t make it if she asked her to grab dinner or do something in the evening. “I’m way more productive at night.”

“That’s why you’re busy in the evening and always free during the day.” Clarke nodded, that made sense. “I wondered that, to be honest.”

“Yes,” Lexa nodded. “I worked as a journalist after college, but I didn’t like the nine to five.” She added, feeling worse and worse with every lie that left her mouth. “I wanted my own work hours, so I tried freelancing; writing, editing, anything along those lines. And it worked out pretty great.”

“What are you working on right now?”

“Nothing exciting.” Lexa answered, she felt terrible for lying but it was better than the truth. When she had first met Clarke, it was an escape from her real life, but the more time they spent together, Lexa figured she would need some sort of cover story. It was wrong to lie, yes she knew that, but these moments she had with Clarke was something Lexa didn’t want to jeopardize. And well, she wasn’t ready to give up on what she had with Clarke, where she wasn’t Alexandria, where she wasn’t Michael’s wife, where she was just Lexa and Clarke was her friend. “Just editing this non-fiction thing.”

It wasn’t long before the two of them were walking out of Clarke’s office and towards the studio at the back of the museum, it was more of a storage room really. The museum was practically empty right now, no more than a handful of people walking around as Clarke and Lexa made their way to the opposite side of the building. Clarke mentioned how it was inconvenient having her office so far away from here, but there was a studio next door to her office too, that was more for repairs and maintenance of the artworks and she did spend more time there than the room they were going to right now.

Stepping into the dimly lit room, the first thing Lexa noticed was how empty it was. There were at most five paintings here, and two statues by the corner of the room, all of them covered to keep them from getting damaged or dusty because there was no telling how long they would be here before making it onto the main floor. Clarke had mentioned there was a new gallery in the works, so she was working on getting some new pieces for there. She still hadn’t decided on a theme or which artists she wanted there, all Clarke had right now was the vibe she wanted for it.

“It came in this morning.” Clarke started as she grabbed one of the covered framed on the shelves, “Not an original, obviously, but it’s incredible.” She set it down on the table, carefully removing the sheet covering it.

“Un Bras de Seine près de Vétheuil,” Lexa spoke quietly as soon as her eyes looked at the painting.

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded with a surprised smile. There were a couple of paintings of the Seine by Monet, more than a couple actually and the fact that Lexa could name this one by just a glance was very impressive. Not to mention, Lexa saying something in French made her stomach twist and heart do jumping jacks because oh, that was unexpected too and way more attractive than Clarke was anticipating. “How did you…?”

“Monet might as well be my favorite artist.” Lexa answered, her voice lowered, stepping up closer to it – closer to Clarke. “This is amazing, Clarke.” She said looking down at the painting, her hands going to rest on the edge of the table. “It’s beautiful.”

Clarke nodded, turning her head to look at Lexa from the painting, finding her eyes closer than she was expecting. “I saw it and the first thing I thought about was you.” She told her honestly, eyes soft and the corner of her lips tugging upwards, her hand inching closer to Lexa’s which was resting next to her’s on the table, her pinky nudging against her’s uncertainly. “It was beautiful, much more so than I was expecting it to be,” Her pinky went to wrap around Lexa’s, keeping her movements slow, giving her the time to pull away if she wanted but Lexa only held Clarke’s gaze. “And of course, it made me think of the most beautiful person I know.” That was…bold, it was a risk but it paid off when she saw Lexa’s cheeks growing pink. “Are you blushing? That is so cute,” Clarke added with a smile, watching as Lexa looked down, trying to hide her face.

Lexa didn’t really have anything to say, she didn’t know what to say to that. It had been a while since anyone had so openly flirted with her, not to mention Lexa couldn’t remember the last time someone called her beautiful. Years probably, if ever. So instead of speaking, Lexa only moved her hand – the one Clarke was very cautiously trying to hold – letting her fingers intertwine with Clarke’s.

“Hey?” Clarke spoke quietly, voice just above a whisper as she ducked her head to be able to look at Lexa. Clarke saw the soft look on her face, not to mention how dark her pupils were. And god, the way those lips were just barely parted, Clarke wanted so badly to kiss her right now. “Look at me please?” She asked her, her free hand going to gently grab her chin.

Lexa let her guide her face to look back at her and in that moment, it felt like time froze around them. Looking into Clarke’s eyes, finding her looking back with an intensity Lexa had never experienced before made her mouth go dry. If she didn’t know any better she would say she stopped breathing as she got lost in those blue eyes, unable to look away. She should step away, she should pull her hand away from Clarke’s, put an end to this. Because she should, she was married after all and as much as Lexa liked spending time with Clarke, and as much as she liked how she felt around Clarke, Lexa knew this wasn’t right. But oh god, Lexa wanted so badly to kiss her right now, and it didn’t help that Clarke was leaning in.

Clarke moved closer, her movements small and careful, not wanting to overstep but before she knew it, her lips were ghosting in front of Lexa’s. “Is this okay?” She whispered against her, struggling against herself to hold back and wait just a little longer, just until Lexa nodded or said yes – or pulled away.

Lexa didn’t have it in her to reply, her eyes sliding shut as she closed the small distance between them. She sighed into the kiss, Clarke’s lips soft and gentle against her, her hand moving from her chin to cup her cheek instead. She couldn’t remember ever being kissed this way before; there was something in the way Clarke touched her, the way her lips felt against her, she was so gentle and careful with her, like she was dealing with one of the artworks in the building. It wasn’t that Lexa hadn’t been kissed by someone she wanted to kiss before this, she had but only a couple of times, and it was all short lived, not to mention it hadn’t happened in at least half a decade now. But it was still nothing like this, it was still nothing like the fireworks going off inside her because of Clarke.

And god, no part of Lexa wanted to put a stop to this.

Chapter Text

That was a mistake.

Kissing Clarke was a mistake, saying yes to her when she asked her out afterwards was a mistake. Lexa could feel her heart pounding as she closed the front door and heard it lock behind her, her thoughts going a thousand miles per second, thinking only about how big of a mistake she had just made. Okay fine, she liked Clarke, she really liked her, they had only known each other for about two weeks and if the circumstances were different, Lexa wouldn’t have any second thoughts about it. Clarke was smart and beautiful and funny, she made Lexa feel good, this shouldn’t be a problem but, given everything else about her life it was.

It was a problem because she was married, it was a problem because Clarke didn’t know, and it was definitely a problem because Lexa was leading Clarke on to…god, Lexa didn’t even know to what. All she knew was that this wouldn’t end well, couldn’t. How could it? She was a married woman, she had a husband, she had a whole life that Clarke didn’t even know about. Hell, Clarke knew next to nothing about her actual life, everything she had told her so far was a lie like what she did for a living or why she moved to this town – even her name really, no one called her Lexa, she preferred it but no one called her that. She felt bad about it all, of course she did, she felt terrible for lying to Clarke like this but right now, Lexa really felt like she didn’t have any other choice. Besides, this was never the intent, all she wanted was an escape from her everyday life, to look at some pretty paintings, she never expected it to lead to any of this.

She shouldn’t be doing this, Lexa knew that, she knew it was wrong and that she shouldn’t be doing it. But all it took was one look from Clarke; she looked at her with those eyes, she touched her, god she kissed her and in that moment nothing else mattered. All she could care about right then was Clarke, and how her lips felt on her own, how good it felt, how right it felt. No one had ever kissed her the way Clarke had, so soft and so gentle yet with so much passion, it set her body on fire, made her weak in the knees, but it also filled her with this sense of warmth and comfort. And, by god, Lexa wanted more of it.

Maybe, just maybe it could work…? Once Lexa had calmed herself down enough to think clearly, a glimmer of hope sparked in her mind. It was naïve to think that, she knew it was downright stupid to think that there was any kind of hope between her and Clarke but…what if there is? Lexa liked who she was around Clarke, she liked being able to be a completely different person with her, she could be the person she wanted to be, the person she really was. And maybe she could keep this going for a while, maybe she could pretend to be a freelance writer who was a night owl, could pretend she wasn’t married to an abusive man and hated every waking moment of her life, maybe this could be the escape she was looking for.

But she would be lying to Clarke. Lexa didn’t care about lying to Michael, okay she did but that was a whole other issue, she didn’t feel any moral issues about lying to him, she cared more about the consequences of him finding out. Lying to Clarke though, Lexa felt bad about that, she felt awful about it. If she kept this going Clarke was going to get hurt when she found out the truth. It didn’t have to be now and even if things worked out for a while, what about a week from now, a month? How would she tell Clarke the truth, and how would she react to it? Well, she would be angry for being lied to, that was for sure, she would quite possibly hate Lexa for lying to her like that, she might even want nothing to do with her afterwards – and honestly, Lexa wouldn’t even blame her.

There was a small nagging at the back of her mind though, a small voice that kept asking over and over again, what if Clarke understood? What if Clarke understood why she had to lie, and understood why she did what she did? Maybe Clarke would understand. But what about in the long run? Even if things worked out for now, there wasn’t much she could promise for the future; even if Clarke understood, even if she was okay with dating someone who was married and cheating on their husband – which was a tall order on its own – what would happen in the future? Lexa knew she couldn’t get out of what she had with Michael, there was no possibility of that, and there would be no reason for Clarke to stick around if there was no possibility of a future.

God, I’m overthinking this. For all she knew Clarke wanted a casual relationship, something that was temporary and would last only so long. Hell, it wasn’t even a relationship yet, it had been one kiss and they were going on a date. Nothing indicated that it was going to be a serious relationship, nothing indicated Clarke even wanted that. Okay, Clarke hadn’t even said anything about them being in a relationship, sure she had kissed her and had asked her out but that didn’t have to mean it was leading to an actual relationship – it might as well be something very casual. She was getting in her head about this, yes it was a complicated situation to be in but maybe Lexa could just let it play out, see what happened and just take it one day at a time.

Fuck this, Lexa sighed as she squeezed her eyes shut, whatever happened would happen. Clarke made her feel good and maybe, just this once, Lexa deserved someone who did. She didn’t care about what would happen if Michael found out, or maybe Lexa didn’t want to think about that just yet; it wouldn’t be pretty but that was only if he found out. And for now, maybe she could just let it happen and see where things led. She could deal with the problems once they came up. For now, she was just going to look forward to seeing Clarke for their date on Saturday. They still hadn’t decided on a time but it would likely be in the day time or early evening – that’s when Michael wasn’t home, he tended to spend weekends with his new male friends.  

“How did your date go?” Raven asked with a smirk as Clarke walked into her apartment later that night. All their friends were meeting for a movie night, not just Clarke and Octavia but a few other people as well. They did a big movie night once a month or so where they all took turns hosting. It used to be once a week when they had started, but with how busy everyone had gotten with, well, growing up and adult responsibilities, it had to be cut down to once a month.

Clarke and Raven had been friends since they were young kids, they went to school together and by some miracle ended up going to the same college too. Clarke had expected Raven to not move back, expected that she would get some big tech job and move away, and they were both prepared for that. But being the genius that she was, Raven invented a cryptocurrency that really took off – she really was just messing around and did not expect it to go anywhere – so she came back home, she didn’t particularly want to move away to begin with. Clarke was kind of her everything, she was her family, she was her best friend, and Raven really didn’t want to go somewhere where Clarke wouldn’t be. Besides, Raven was also working with an app development company, but she worked remotely from home, so it all worked out really well. Raven also met Luna after she moved back, and they have been dating for two years now.

Octavia, their other best friend, met them in college. The three of them really bonded, they were fast friends, and Octavia figured, if she was moving anywhere after this, it would be with her new best friends. It did take some time after graduation to get on her feet, but Clarke and Raven were amazing and incredibly supportive. Her and Clarke were roommates for about a year, they both needed that while they settled into their adult lives and got everything up and running. Right now she was a real estate agent – living only about ten minutes away from Clarke – and the three of them made sure they saw each other practically every other day.

“Clarke had a date?” Octavia called from the kitchen, getting herself a drink.

“It wasn’t a date.” Clarke answered, setting the bag of snacks down on the kitchen counter before walking further into the house and to the living room.

“Yes it was.” Raven disagreed, turning to Luna who was sitting next to her. “Babe, was it a date?”

“It was a date.” Luna agreed with a short nod.

“You don’t know even know what she’s talking about.” Clarke scoffed, falling back onto the empty armchair.

“Oh I do.” Luna quirked an eyebrow at her with a grin, “You forget, we work at the same place.”

“So, it was a date!” Raven exclaimed triumphantly.

“No, it wasn’t.” Clarke rolled her eyes, hearing the front door and more footsteps walking inside.

“Who was on a date?” Jasper asked as he walked into the living room, his best friend and girlfriend in tow.

“No one.” Clarke answered. “O can you please get me a drink?” She called out to her friend who was still in the kitchen – really, what was taking her so long, all Octavia was doing was getting bottles out of the fridge. “I’m going to need a lot to get through tonight if you guys are going to be like this.”

“Who was the date with?” Monty asked as he sat down on the rug, looking between Raven and Clarke.

“I wanna hear this, hold on,” Octavia said as she practically ran back into the living room with two bottles of beer. “Clarke hasn’t been on a date in fifty years.”

Clarke only rolled her eyes, wondering how many more eye rolls until she could see the inside of her own head as she took both the bottles from her friend. “No,” She shook her head when Octavia protested. “This is what you get for being rude.”

“You didn’t take Raven’s drink,”

“She’s too far away.” Clarke shrugged, taking a long drink from one of the bottles.

The movie seemed to be forgotten, all her friends much more invested in Clarke’s supposed date. Which is wasn’t, it was just lunch with Lexa – that ended with them making out in the studio in the back of the museum over a very beautiful painting. But they didn’t need to know that, no one but her and Lexa needed to know that until things were more…certain with the two of them. Of course they were actually going out on a date this weekend, but that too, no one needed to know about just yet. It was still in the early stages, very early stages, there were no labels yet and Clarke didn’t want to put a name to her emotions just yet. She really liked Lexa, and well, she was hoping for things to progress further than just making out in a dark room, but Clarke didn’t want to rush it.

“It’s the brunette chick who’s been at the museum eight hundred times in the past couple of weeks, isn’t it?” Luna finally asked, she worked in the reception after all and that meant she had seen Lexa more than once already.

“What brunette?” “Who?” Everyone asked in unison, all eyes – including Clarke’s – turning to Luna.

She only laughed, turning to look at Clarke before raising her eyebrows. “Why are you asking me, you see her practically every single day.”

“Griffin, not cool.” “I thought we were best friends.” Raven and Octavia said at the same time.

“It’s no one!” Clarke exclaimed. “She’s a friend, she’s new in town, and she really likes art. That’s all.” She finally gave in, explaining. “We met in the museum and got to talking, she’s like really into art. So we hung out a couple of times, that’s it.”

“You made me get burgers from Son of a Bun for a friend? I don’t buy it.”

“Shut up, is this a movie night or what?”

“No, it’s interrogate Clarke night.”

“I will walk out if guys don’t shut up.”

Raven only shrugged, “Okay, bye.” And Clarke answered by throwing a cushion at her face. “We just want you to get laid, Griffin that’s all.”

“Yeah,” Octavia nodded, feigning concern, “It’s been a while, and we’re worried.”

“It’s nothing, okay?” Clarke looked around at her friends. It wasn’t that she was annoyed or anything, it was cute how invested her friends got in her life – Clarke did too with them, it was how they showed they cared. But right now, Clarke didn’t want to jump to conclusions, and she didn’t want anyone else jumping to conclusions either. “We’re just friends, I’m capable of having friends, I don’t only speak to people because I want to date them or sleep with them.”

Luna scoffed, “You have enough friends.” The rest of the group seemed to agree, nodding and muttering yeah and yes.

“You guys are impossible.”

Lexa was sitting on the kitchen counter when her phone’s screen lit up with a text. It was close to midnight now, Michael asleep and her sitting in the kitchen with a bag of frozen peas pressed to her left collarbone – for now at least, it would need to be moved to her face soon enough. Lexa wasn’t expecting to hear from anyone now, it was late after all, and there really weren’t too many people who texted her anyways. Chances were, it was Clarke, but right now Lexa wasn’t sure she wanted to talk to her. Okay, it was more about the fact that she didn’t think it would be a good idea to talk to her right now. She was upset, in a vulnerable headspace, and she was more likely to let something slip out without realizing.

Michael was in a mood ever since he came back from work and, of course, he took it out on Lexa. He didn’t need an excuse and he sure as hell didn’t need a reason; Lexa could tell from the moment he came home that she wasn’t going to have a good night, and halfway through dinner, she was proven right. It wasn’t him hitting her that was the worst – that was something Lexa was almost used to at this point – but he had practically thrown her towards the dinner table, her collarbone hitting the edge of it. And that was why she was icing it right now. There wasn’t much protecting the bone on the impact, it wasn’t a fleshy part of the body that had any sort of natural padding. So right now, that hurt more than her face did, the part that made contact with the hard surface close to throbbing even after Lexa took some painkillers.

Finally giving in, Lexa set the makeshift cold compress down and picked up her phone. Unlocking it, she found a text from Clarke.

Clarke

11:23pm

Clarke

11:27pm

are you doing okay? i haven’t heard from you since you left the museum

Lexa sighed as she read the second text, she wasn’t alright and it was for more than just one reason. It would be a lot easier if she was feeling like this because of Michael and because of what he did tonight, but Lexa was still internally struggling because of what happened with Clarke earlier today.

Lexa

11:35pm

Yeah, yeah I’m good. Sorry, I’ve been busy since I got back home.

Lexa

11:35pm

How are you Clarke?

Clarke

11:37pm

i am very good. movie night with my friends and i’m still kinda there

Clarke

11:37pm

but i’ve seen this movie a million times and i couldn’t stop thinking about you

Lexa

11:38pm

Hmm what a coincidence, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you either.

Clarke

11:38pm

what are you doing up so late anyways? it’s almost midnight

Icing my face and clavicle because my husband used me as a punching bag again. But of course she couldn’t tell Clarke that, she…wasn’t feeling her best right now, she was upset and wanted someone to keep her company. But Lexa was also worried that she would end up saying something she shouldn’t, or come off as a little too clingy and needy. She couldn’t stop thinking about Clarke, couldn’t stop thinking about how it felt when she had kissed her, how she had felt when Clarke so much as touched her hand on that table, that jolt of electricity that went up her skin from just that small contact. And God, the way Clarke had looked at her, asked her if she could kiss her, just the thinking about that again made Lexa almost whimper.

Lexa

11:40pm

I couldn’t sleep.

And I’m feeling extremely lonely and fragile. She already missed the way Clarke made her feel, already missed being touched by her, being kissed by her.

Clarke

11:41pm

what’s keeping you up?

Lexa sighed to herself, she wished so badly to tell Clarke, tell her she was upset, tell her that she wanted to hear her voice, and just not have to think about how her night had gone.

Lexa

11:41pm

Just having a not-so-great night.

She could slap herself right now for that text. Lexa knew it was a bad idea to talk to her right now, knew it was a bad idea to talk to Clarke when she was feeling so vulnerable. There were a lot of things Clarke couldn’t know, a lot of things she shouldn’t be talking about to her – this included. Clarke didn’t need to know she was having a bad day, because that would only make her ask about it and Lexa didn’t have an answer for it, not yet.

Clarke

11:41pm

what’s wrong?

Lexa sighed to herself, regretting sending that text as she thought about how to answer. She did wish she could tell her what had actually happened, wished she could have someone to comfort her for the things that were actually wrong and not just whatever excuse she had to make up to not have her truth discovered.

Lexa

11:43pm

Nothing’s wrong, don’t worry. It’s just one of those nights, I guess.

Clarke

11:43pm

is there anything i can do?

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at her phone. She didn’t need to ask that, Clarke didn’t need to bother because Lexa even told her that nothing was actually wrong. But she still cared enough to ask, cared enough to want to make her feel better, and well, this wasn’t something Lexa was used to. Hell, this wasn’t something Lexa had ever experienced before, she couldn’t remember anyone ever caring this much about her when she was having a bad time. And really, the only thing that would help right now was if she could be with Clarke. Sure, this relationship was very new – so new that it didn’t even have a name yet – but she had known Clarke for a couple of weeks now, and it was very clear that Clarke cared about her.

Lexa

11:43pm

Just talking to you right now is more than enough.

Clarke thought about what she wanted to say for a moment, she didn’t want to overstep and say something that would make Lexa withdraw. It was clear that she was in a low place at the moment, and Clarke just wanted to make her feel better. But it was difficult to do when she didn’t know exactly what was wrong. Lexa said it wasn’t anything specific, just that it was a bad night and well, Clarke wanted to know if nights like this were common, and if they were, she wanted to know how she could make them a little bit better.

Clarke

11:44pm

what helps when you’re feeling like this? like what brings your mood up?

Lexa

11:45pm

I don’t really know. I kind of just let it run its course, wait until it passes.

That…made Clarke upset. No one should have to go through bad times like that, by just letting it pass, letting it run its course. It made her feel like Lexa didn’t have anyone to talk to, anyone to turn to when she was feeling low. And well, Clarke wanted to make sure she didn’t feel like that anymore, that she didn’t feel like she was all alone and that the only thing to do when she was feeling like this was sit with it and let it pass.

Clarke

11:45pm

does this happen often? “one of those nights”? do they happen often?

Lexa

11:45pm

More often than I’d like.

Clarke

11:46pm

well i’m here for you. i dont want you to have go through these nights on your own. and i’ve been told i’m good company

Lexa smiled at her phone screen, very much touched by Clarke making the effort to make her feel better – she really didn’t need to. But then a twinge of pain ran up her jaw, harshly bringing her back to reality as she let out a hiss. “Fuck,” Lexa muttered quietly, picking up the bag of frozen peas and holding it against her jaw this time.

Lexa

11:46pm

You are very good company, Clarke.

Chapter Text

It had been a while since Lexa had been out on a date, years if you didn’t count her dates with Michael – she didn’t, those were more of something she tolerated rather than something she wanted to do. And well, they were pathetic excuses of dates, he did the bare minimum and expected Lexa to be grateful for the fact that he put in some sort of effort – if you could even call it that. So this was different, this was very different, it was with someone she liked, someone who liked her back, someone Lexa wanted to go out with.

And the person she was going out with asked her out because they wanted to, not because they felt like that was what they needed to do, not because they thought that was just part of the plan set out in front of them, or because they had to; no, Clarke wanted to ask her out. Not to mention, this date was with another woman; that was something Lexa hasn’t done in years, not since her sophomore year of college at least, and that was very short lived.

Fortunately, Michael was gone for the day – the main reason Lexa had agreed to decided on their date being today – it was Saturday and he was off on a fishing trip with some of his new buddies. He wouldn’t be back till much later in the night, Lexa didn’t know exactly where or what he was doing because really, you can fish for only so long. But she didn’t question it, she didn’t care where he was or what he was doing for the entire day, all Lexa cared about was the fact that he wouldn’t be home all day. She would be home way before him, give herself enough time to make dinner, and ensure Michael had nothing to complain about in the house. He went out most weekends with his new friends, and most of the time he was a good mood after returning, so if anything, Lexa liked these friends of his more than he did probably.

Originally, Clarke had asked to take her out for dinner but Lexa knew she couldn’t get away in the evening. For one, Michael didn’t even know Lexa had any friends here, and he would be back after a really long day, which would mean he would want Lexa…at his beck and call, basically. The best Lexa could do was tell Clarke she had some work that needed to get done – yes, even on a Saturday night, she was behind on a few things. So it was lunch instead, Clarke hadn’t said where they were going but that she knew the perfect spot that she wanted to take Lexa to. She wanted to pick her up from her place but well, Lexa didn’t want her coming to her house, there wasn’t much giving away the fact that she was married of course, but she didn’t want her neighbors seeing someone coming around – even if it was just a friend, because if they mentioned it when talking to Michael, he would be mad that Lexa didn’t tell him.

So they were meeting out, Lexa managing to make some sort of excuse to have Clarke pick her up from their usual coffee shop, instead. She had told her she was going to be out today anyways so it would just be easier for Clarke to pick her up from there because her house was a little out of the way. That was mostly true, although it was within walking distance from the town’s center, the drive there wasn’t the shortest, the walking paths were much more convenient and direct. So Lexa’s plan was to walk down to Grounders a good while before Clarke was to pick her up, make it seem like she had been out most of the afternoon and late morning.

Her morning was mostly alright, Lexa did wake up earlier than usual because Michael was to leave by 7am. But she had gotten his things ready and lunch packed the night before, all she had to do in the morning was set his clothes out and make breakfast. He was in a good mood too, it seemed like he was looking forward to the day trip, of having a break from his every day and if anyone was happier about it, it was Lexa. So with him gone, Lexa went back to bed for a couple more hours, she wasn’t meeting Clarke till 1pm after all and it was way too early for a Saturday morning.

It was a little past 11am when Lexa woke up again, rubbing her eyes and clicking her neck before finally pushing herself off the bed. For the most part, she wasn’t sore or achy or in any sort of discomfort, Michael had an early night and he’d had a good day at work so it was a quiet night for the two of them. But there was a dull aching in her left upper arm from earlier this morning when he had grabbed her a little harshly because of something about small and menial – honestly, Lexa couldn’t even remember what it was. At least it’s a chilly day, Lexa thought to herself as she rubbed her arm while walking to the bathroom to get ready, so even if there was a bruise there, she would have sleeves covering it.

Okay, getting dressed took longer than Lexa was expecting. She ended up spending way too long just staring at her closet, then trying on more than a couple of outfits because absolutely nothing seemed to look right. This was a date, it was their first date, this was Lexa’s first date in a very long time, and well, she was a little out of practice, not to mention just how nervous she was about it all. She wanted to make an effort, wanted to look nice and right now it seemed like both her body and her clothes had it out for her. It wasn’t that Lexa didn’t like her body, her feelings towards her body were quite neutral, she was mostly indifferent to it. There were some problem areas according to her, but nothing she obsessed over, nothing that bothered her too much, only things she wished to improve; but as far as she really cared, her body was healthy and it did what she needed it to, so that was good enough. But every now and then, when Lexa wanted to dress up and look nice – not something she had the opportunity to do very often – she tended to nitpick and overthink everything.

Finally, after what felt like forever, Lexa managed to decide on her outfit, it as chilly outside today and she figured a sweater was a safe bet, Clarke hadn’t said anything to indicate it wasn’t a casual setting. So picking out her favorite sweater – a deep red, oversized cable-knit one – and the pair of dark jeans that made her ass look absolutely incredible, Lexa finally made her way out of the house. It was a short walk to Grounders, no more than ten minutes and Lexa was happy about getting some fresh air. Clarke wasn’t meeting her for another fifteen minutes, enough time for Lexa to grab a coffee and settle in, make it seem like she had been here a while and not got here just before Clarke.

Clarke was excited for today, she was looking forward to going out with Lexa. Given that Lexa hadn’t seen much of their little town yet, Clarke wanted to show her around, so she was taking her down by the coast to a very cute little café for lunch. Although the town was a quiet one, it still had its perks, the biggest one being how close it was to the water, just about an hour’s drive and in the summer, that was no big deal. It would be quieter now, not too many people at the beach in the middle of September, which is what Clarke wanted, she wanted some quiet time with Lexa. This would be their real first date but this definitely wouldn’t be the first time the two of them had gone out together – as friends of course and nothing more, and with no intention of anything more either back then, obviously.

She was picking her up from their favorite coffee spot, which was close enough to Clarke’s place and on the way to where they were headed. But given that it was a date, she made a stop at the florist’s first, picking up some flowers for Lexa. Clarke didn’t know what she liked, and if it was anyone else, Clarke wouldn’t get flowers in case they didn’t like them, but she had a very good feeling that Lexa would – she just seemed like someone who liked flowers. The florist was in the opposite direction of Grounders but Clarke still made it there on time, pulling into the parking and turning the engine off before sending a text off to Lexa to let her know she was here.

Lexa

1:03pm

Be out in a second 💖 .

Clarke stepped out of the car and waited, the bouquet of light pink and yellow roses in her hand for Lexa as she leaned against the side of her car. It was no more than a minute before she stepped out of the coffee shop, eyes finding Clarke almost immediately and she smiled in greeting. Clarke smiled back, giving her a small wave with her free hand and standing up straight while the other woman made her way to her. She looked good, a little tense if Clarke didn’t know any better but she was too – and that was entirely unlike her to be honest, Clarke Griffin did not get nervous about dates. But then her eyes travelled a little lower, taking in all of Lexa, and it took no more than a fraction of a second before her eyes landed on the curve on Lexa’s butt because wow those jeans were worth every penny.

“Hi,” She said softly as Lexa came up to her, “These are for you,” Clarke held out the flowers for Lexa.

“You got me flowers?” Lexa couldn’t help but ask, her entire face lighting up at the simple gesture. “Thank you,” She took them from her, bringing them up to smell them. “Really, you didn’t have to.”

“I have to make a good first impression,” Clarke joked, opening the car door for her.

“I’ve known you about two weeks, Clarke.” Lexa reminded, sitting down and letting Clarke close the door. It was the small things, the flowers, her getting the door for her, it wouldn’t be a big deal for most people but it definitely was enough Lexa to feel a tug on her heartstrings. She didn’t have anyone who cared enough to open the car door for her, didn’t have anyone who thought about her to get her some flowers. But Clarke did. And she did it with so much ease, she did it without thinking, without making it a big deal, with her making it seem so effortless. And maybe this was normal, they were ordinary things after all, but Lexa was used to not having these very simple things, she had gotten used to it, had kind of accepted that maybe she would never receive things like these.

Yet, here was Clarke.

“This is a first date, it’s different.” Clarke exaggerated a scoff as she sat down in the driver’s seat and put the key into the ignition. “Besides, I don’t show up empty handed. Unless I’m told otherwise, I will be getting you flowers.”

Lexa could only smile at her, nodding as Clarke pulled out of the parking lot. “Well, I won’t tell you otherwise, I love flowers.”

It was a quiet drive from there on, they made small conversation while Clarke drove, her making a point to not tell Lexa where exactly it was that they were going to. All she said was that it was one of the nicest places in town, and it would give them some quiet alone time together. Maybe it made Lexa a little emotional when Clarke reached over the center console and silently took her hand, and maybe she was already a little emotional from the fact that she had gotten her flowers. It was…just easy with Clarke; yes, this was their first actual date but she put Lexa at ease, made her feel good, smiled at her, called her pretty, held her hand. And when Clarke made small circles with her thumb on the back of Lexa’s hand, it almost made her breath hitch.

The place Clarke chose to lunch was incredible, it was right on the coast, looking out into the water and given that it was September, it was relatively empty. Lexa was glad about that, it meant she didn’t have to worry about being seen with Clarke by someone she might know. It was a relatively small town after all, and soon enough Michael would meet more people and so would Lexa, meaning more people would know they were married. So being here, she didn’t have to think twice if she wanted to reach across the table and hold Clarke’s hand – or well, if Clarke wanted to do that because Lexa didn’t have the confidence to take initiative and make any first moves.

“I know people prefer coming down to here in the summer,” Clarke started, picking up her sandwich for another bite. “But I have to say, I love it so much more in the fall and winter.”

“It think I prefer the colder weather too.” Lexa responded with a nod. “The ocean looks so peaceful but also…” She tilted her head slightly, looking out the window they were sitting by, onto the water below them. “Dangerous, you know?” It was peaceful, there was no one by the water but the waves were big and harsh, ice-cold as it crashed on the shores with no mercy; it was hypnotizing almost, it sent a chill down Lexa’s spine at the thought of being anywhere near the water right now.

Clarke saw the way Lexa’s eyes darkened while she looked out the window, the fork mindlessly twirling the pasta. “Kind of like you?” She leaned on her elbow on the table, looking at her.

Lexa turned back to Clarke, looking at her questioningly. “What do you mean?”

Clarke gave half a shrug, “I don’t know just…beautiful and admired from afar but there is so much intensity in your eyes that no one wants to come closer.” She told her, her voice low as she looked into Lexa’s eyes. “And I know there’s so much more to you than what you give off.”

“Oh?” Clarke could see the way Lexa’s expression changed – just a shift in her eyes that Clarke definitely caught. She was a little taken back by the observation, Lexa didn’t know how Clarke already had such a good tell on her already when no really saw her – but then again, no one had ever paid attention to her the Clarke did.

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded. “And I want to learn more about you. You are a very interesting person, Lexa last-name-I-do-not-know. Mysterious too, and I’m very intrigued.”

Lexa couldn’t help the smile that broke out on her face, Clarke was actually interested in her, actually wanted to get to know her, she paid attention to her. And as nice as that was, and as much as Lexa likes that, maybe another part of her was a bit more concerned because there was something very big that she was hiding from Clarke. “It’s Woods,” She answered her. “My last name is Woods.”

“Okay, Lexa Woods.” Clarke said with a short nod, taking a moment to sit back in her chair as she watched her. “You’re like this incredibly nuanced and complex piece of art.” She started, a small crease forming between her eyebrows as she thought about how to describe what she was thinking. “You see it the first time, and it is so beautiful, it just takes your breath away. And it takes a minute, and it takes some thinking, but you think you understand it.” Clarke told her slowly, pausing to let her words settle. “But then you see it again, and again it takes your breath away. If anything, it’s more beautiful that you remember it being from the first time. But you notice something new, something you didn’t notice last time.” Her voice was low, eyes looking deep into Lexa’s as she continued to speak, like she was trying to look into her soul. “You see it again, and you notice something new, it sticks with you, there’s just something about it that you can’t quite put your finger on. And every time you think you’ve got it, every time you think you figured it out, you realize you haven’t.” Clarke let out a small sigh, Lexa’s gaze, “But then one day you look at it, long after you’ve accepted that you’re never going to fully understand it, and it just…clicks into place, and everything. Just. Makes. Sense.”

Lexa remained silent for a moment, a little overwhelmed by what Clarke just said, by the way she was looking at her. If she was being honest, no one had ever spoken about her like this, no one had ever made her feel like this, made her feel so special. “So it hasn’t clicked into place yet?” She asked her carefully, unable to look away, almost afraid to because there was such intensity behind Clarke’s eyes that Lexa was getting lost in the way she had in the waves only a minute ago.

Clarke shook her head slowly, “Not yet, not even close.” A small smile curled on the corner of her lips, “But I have time, and I’m a very patient person.”

Chapter Text

“Shut up and get out of the house already,” Michael hissed as he grabbed the back of Lexa’s neck and used it to harshlyshove her towards the front door. It was unexpected and Michael was a lot stronger than her after all, the way he pushed her made Lexa fall onto the closed door with a soft grunt. “We’re going to be late because of you.” He groaned as Lexa took a step back to open the door and finally exit the house, Michael right behind her as the door locked. “You’re fucking useless,” Michael whispered angrily into her ear as they walked towards the car. “We’re still new at this church, there are certain expectations and we want to make a good impression. We can’t be late.”

“We are not going to be late.” Lexa answered, feeling the way Michael’s fingers were digging into her arm as he held her – no doubt, either leaving new bruises or darkening the existing ones. “There’s more than enough time for-”

But before she could finish speaking, she was stumbling forward and falling onto the cold wet asphalt on her hands and knees – a little too late actually, because by the time her hands stopped her, her chin had already hit the ground. Michael had pushed her onto the ground for speaking up to him – if you could even call it that – his movements too quick for Lexa have noticed. But then, within a blink of an eye, he was helping her up, acting like the caring husband whose wife had just slipped on the wet driveway – he didn’t want anyone to think he was a bad husband.

“How did you fall?” He asked as he grabbed her arm, much more gently this time as he helped her back up on her feet .

Lexa clenched her jaw for a moment, swallowing the lump in her throat. “I tripped.”

“Good, now get in the car , we don’t want to be late .”

It wasn’t a long drive to the church from their house, just under fifteen minutes but right now it felt like eternity as Lexa sat in the car next to Michael. To him, nothing had happened, everything was fine ; Lexa’ d had an awful morning but to him, it was just another day . There was a scrape on her chin from hitting the driveway, a small red patch that was very clearly visible and Lexa couldn’t help but sigh and brush her thumb against it. There wasn’t much she could do to hide it, it wasn’t a bruise that could be hidden behind concealer, it had broken her skin and besides, she didn’t have any makeup on her.

Michael was happily humming along to whatever chart song was playing on the radio right now as Lexa counted her breaths and did her best to keep her emotions under control. Her hands were trembling, she still felt like she was on the verge of tears; he spent most of the morning demeaning and belittling her, shoved her into the front door, and even pushed her down on to the driveway. And now she had to sit here next Michael and pretend like everything was fine, like she was fine, like there was nothing wrong and that this was just another Sunday morning.

Well, things were normal actually. This is what normal was for them . Lexa woke up every morning expecting exactly this and the days that went better were a pleasant surprise. In all honesty, weekends were her least favorite ; Michael was home all day most of the time, and that meant Lexa was constantly on edge , not knowing what to expect , having to watch her every step, and minding every word she spoke . Even when he wasn’t being physical with her, he almost constantly berated her , put her down ; he expected her to be the perfect housewife, tending to him every second of every hour and when she wasn’t at his beck and call, he got angry. Lexa could take a minute too long to fetch him his coffee and that would be enough for Michael to talk down to her until she was questioning her own self-worth .

At least they were out of the house now, they would be around people so it would mean Michael would put on an amazing show . To everyone else, he was the perfect husband, he was kind and compassionate and sweet, no one would ever suspect this is what he’s actually like behind closed doors. Lexa’s family knew though, but they didn’t see anything wrong with it ; they firmly believed that a woman’s husband had the right to do whatever he wanted to her in order to keep her in line.

Lexa wasn’t a fan of church, she had never been but coming from a very conservative and religious family, she had been going every Sunday – plus holidays, of course – without fail because since she could remember. And growing up, church had become the embodiment of everything she hated ; it was the reason she wasn’t allowed to be herself, it was the reason her parents treated her the way they did , it was wh y she was in this awful marriage , it was why she hated herself . Hell, it was even the reason why Michael treated her the way he did , because as her husband, he had power and superiority over her . Everything she learned growing up told her that this was what was correct, not what she wanted, not the feelings she had, and well, that was part of the reason why Lexa felt so bad about her feelings towards Clarke.

“You know,” Abby started as she spoke to her daughter over the phone in the morning. “It would be really nice if you could make an appearance at the church every now and then.” She didn’t pressure Clarke into going, Abby knew that Clarke was a grown woman and her own person, so she was free to practice her faith – or lack thereof – however she chose.Saying that, it would be very nice if she could come from time to time. “I’m the only person on the committee whose kid doesn’t come.”

Clarke…wasn’t the most religious person. She wasn’t entirely sure how that happened because both of her parents were – well, both of her parents used to be until her dad passed. Maybe that was what caused it, maybe it was after her dad’s death that Clarke felt like there was no point in god or religion or a higher power because if there really was someone up there, why would they cause so much pain by taking her dad away. Growing up, the three of them went to church every Sunday, every holiday, made it to all the c hurch events throughout the year. But after Jake died, Clarke probably went to one Sunday service without her mom asking her to.

Abby was on the church’s committee; and in all honesty, their church was incredible, Clarke still loved all the people there, she still loved that sense of community she felt from being around them. They were all very welcoming and accepting and Clarke knew exactly why her mom was so involved with it. So although Clarke didn’t make it down to the church every week, she still did her best to go with her mom on the holidays and lend a hand when there was an event like a fundraiser or food drive. She just didn’t feel connected to god anymore, she felt like she couldn’t trust a higher power after having her dad taken away from her. Yes, a part of her felt like that was childish and she was an adult now after all, so she could maybe work through it but well, she didn’t see the point in it, not anymore.

“I…” Clarke started sheepishly, eyes shifting despite her mom not being able to see her. “…have plans this morning.”

“Really?” Abby questioned . “What plans?”

“I’m going out with Octavia and Raven.” Clarke answered, speaking quickly, feeling like a teenager trying to get away with some thing.

“Brunch?” Abby asked knowingly, they tended to almost every Sunday , it was a break from work and their lives and just time for the three of them to get together and catch up. Because sometimes their schedules and daily lives got in the way, and Abby knew just how close they were so it was very important that they saw each other often.

“…yes.”

“Okay, well I would really appreciate it if you can come by sometime. ” Abby told her. “There’s a new couple who joined the church recently, and they’re new in town so I wanted to introduce you to them.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, the Thompsons. They seem like a great couple but the wife is really quiet and well… she seems a little lonely .” Abby continued. “I thought she could use a friend or just someone she knows here .”

“Aren’t they a little old for me?” Clarke asked, quirking an eyebrow. She wouldn’t be entirely opposed to it, but usually her energy didn’t mesh well with quiet people. Clarke was loud and bold and very much a n extrovert , and that tended to scare people off sometimes.

“No, the guy is a couple of years older than you , but she is your age.”

“That’s young to get married.”

“ Clarke .”

“Sorry.”

“I think it’ll be good,” Abby continued. “You can maybe show her around town. And hey! They both mentioned she’s into art so maybe you could take her around the museum. I know you’ll talk any excuse to talk about your work, and this way it will be with someone who actually wants to hear it.”

“ That’s a very good point.”

“She is really nice , I promise.” Abby finished with a smile. “ I wouldn’t be trying to set you up with them if they weren’t.”

“Eww mom,” Clarke made a face. “You’re not setting me up with them. They’re married, I don’t swing that way.”

Abby rolled her eyes, “ You know what I mean.”

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at her mom’s tone, “ Yes, I do.” She agreed , “I’ll come down next week. Say hi, and see if she wants to hang out sometime.”

“Thank you, that would be great.”

Lexa

9:23pm

Hey, are you free tonight?

Clarke was getting dressed to go out with a couple of her friends when her phone buzzed with a text. Stepping up to it, she picked it up and unlocked it to find that it was from Lexa. They would have come back to Clarke’s place after their date yesterday – things had gotten kind of hot and steamy in the car afterwards – but Lexa had said she was behind on some workthat needed to be done, so she needed to go home. But Lexa had promised her a next time though, meaning the date had gone well – Clarke had a great time, and she was really glad that Lexa did too, she was looking forward to a second date. Only, Clarke wasn’t expecting to see her until later on in the week, and she wasn’t expecting the second date to be till latereither.

Clarke

9:2 4 pm

why do you have something in mind?

She was going to the movies to watch Morbius with Bellamy, Raven, Jasper, and Monty so technically, no she wasn’t free tonight. But if Lexa wanted to see her, then Clarke would very happily blow them off to spend some time with her instead. Sure, your friends were important and Clarke wouldn’t put her friendships before a relationship, especially this early on in one anyways, but sometimes it was definitely acceptable to bail on your friends if it meant getting to see a very pretty girl. (Even more so if there was a chance of getting laid…)

Lexa

9:26pm

Well, I’m free tonight. And…I really want to see you.

Clarke smiled at the screen, quickly typing out a reply.

Clarke

9:26pm

i’m not doing anything tonight. you wanna come over?

Okay, after the day Lexa had had, she didn’t want to see Clarke, she kind of felt like she needed to. It was a terrible day really, if her mornin g wasn’t bad enough, the rest of the day was pretty much the same . She didn’t like being home with Michael, and she absolutely loved the fact that her husband spent most nights of the week out with his friends or working late. So weekends were her least favorite, she was stuck at home with him, and Michael was in one of those moods today where Lexa was scared to so much as breathe in the wrong direction . It wasn’t that he was irritated or annoyed, but just looking for the smallest excuse to go off on Lexa.

Her date with Clarke had been…perfect. It was the first time in years Lexa felt like this, first time in years someone made her feel like this. Clarke made her feel wanted, appreciated, important; she listened to her, smiled at her, laughed at her jokes, and god, the way she looked at Lexa made her almost tear up right then and there. She wasn’t used to this sort of attention, wasn’t used to any sort of affection either, so when Clarke held her hand and kissed her , it made her heart leap out of her chest. There was so much softness and tenderness in her actions, from the way Clarke looked at Lexa to the way she spoke to her even ; Clarke treated her like an actual human being with wants and needs and emotions, not just a thing to serve others.  She  made her feel good .

As much as Lexa had had a good time on their date, this was…very different. This was a lot more serious than a date and a kiss – and the making out in Clarke’s car with the soundtrack of the ocean playing behind them – this was crossing another line, one Lexa didn’t know if she could come back from. There were two reasons Lexa hadn’t gone as far as she could have with Clarke that day; she really did need to get home but it was because Michael was going to be back soon, and because there was that nagging in the back of her mind that kept reminding her how wrong this all was.

Yes, she had thought about it and she had lost sleep over the moral implications of it – of lying to Clarke and of…well, cheating on her husband, not to mention she still felt wrong about feeling these emotions for another woman. Lexa wasn’t entirely sure which she felt worse about, she wasn’t upset about lying to Michael but there was definitely a lot of guilt behind cheating on him. She was married, he was her husband, and that meant she had certain responsibilities and duties to uphold. She had made a promise to him, it didn’t matter that she hadn’t wanted this to be her life, it just was and as much as Lexa hated Michael, she still respected their relationship, their union and she didn’t want to  tarnish it.

Fuck it . Lexa sighed as she swallowed the lump in her throat and typed out her reply.

Lexa

9:29pm

Send me your address

Mistake. This was a mistake. This was a terrible mistake and Lexa was going to regret it. She spent the entire ride here stuck in her head, running through any and all possibility of what could go wrong, what could happen, what could come back and haunt her later. And Lexa knew she would regret all of this, that she would go back home later tonight feeling guilty and awful for what she was about to do. But there was another part of her that just didn’t care, that believed she deserved someone who made her feel the way Clarke did, even if it was temporary. Yes, as much as Lexa hated to admit it, she knew this would be short lived. Of course it wouldn’t be anything permanent or long term, she wished it could be but given the circumstances it wouldn’t last long. It was only a matter of time before Clarke started finding holes in her story, or found out the truth, or Michael found out she was so much as hanging out with someone and made her stop.

Lexa shook the thoughts out of her head as the Uber came to a halt in front of Clarke’s house. Her hands were trembling as she got out of the car and thanked the driver, taking a moment to calm her nerves before walking up the driveway and to the front door. She knew exactly why she was here, knew exactly what things would lead to with Clarke tonight, and that was as exciting as it was scary. Or well, maybe Clarke just wanted to hang out togeth er, they hadn’t even talked today after all, she didn’t even know if Clarke was in the mood for it, or if she even wanted to. But all the right signals were ther e, or maybe Lexa was just seeing what she wanted to because after the day she had had, Lexa needed this.

“Hi,”

Lexa’s troubles seem to melt away the moment Clarke opened the door and greeted her. But the smile and look in her eyes fell the moment she saw Lexa’s face, saw the small red patch on her chin.

“Oh my god, what happened?” She reached for Lexa’s face without thinking, fingers gently grabbing Lexa’s chin as her other hand cupped her cheek.

“It’s nothing.” Lexa answered, not moving away from Clarke’s touch but rather leaning into it .

“You look hurt.” Clarke commented, her eyes scanning over the rest of her face looking for any other sign of distress. Lexa’s voice was enough to worry her as it was, it was small and quiet, like she was exhausted and upset.

“Don’t worry about it, I’m fine.” Lexa shook her head, letting Clarke lead her inside, clearly worried as she closed the door behind them.

“What happened?” Clarke asked once they were inside. “How did you get hurt?”

“It’s nothing, really.” Lexa waved it off, Clarke about to ask her something when a meow caught her attention. “Is that a cat?” She asked, turned to look in the direction of the noise, watching as a tortoiseshell cat padded into the hallway. “You have a cat?”

“I do,” Clarke stepped up to it, picking her up. “Lexa, this is Catra.” She said to the other woman, bringing the cat closer to her. “And like the real Catra, sh e’s a little shit.”

“Well, hi there Catra.” Lexa smiled at the cat, bringing her hand up and letting the animal inspect it before stroking her head.

“She likes you.” Clarke commented. “ Usually anyone who tries to touch her gets clawed.”

Lexa lowered herself, bringing her face closer to the cat’s. “Do you like me?” She asked her , still scratching the top of her head. “Or are you planning on how you’re going to kill me later?”

“Hmm, might be the latter.” Clarke joked, moving to put Catra back down on the floor because she was squirming, wanting to be let go, it was enough attention for one day. “But I never know with her.” She shrugged, watching as the animal walked away. “Come on, let ’ s go sit down.” Her arm went easily around Lexa’s waist, guiding her further inside the house and towards the living room.

Lexa let Clarke lead her inside, there was something about the easiness in her movements that made Lexa relax. There was no hesitation in Clarke circling her arm around her waist, not so much as thinking twice before leaning closer to her as they walked.

“So,” Clarke started as the two of them sat down on the couch, Catra walking past them and climbing into her bed. “Are you going to tell me what happened to your face and how you got hurt?”

“ Its nothing really,” Lexa tried to brush it off, wanting to move past this. She didn’t want to talk about it, she wanted to think about anything other than what happened, she wanted to think about Clarke, wanted to put her mind to something a bit nicer than the ordeal that led to her falling on her face on the driveway.

“Really?” Clarke asked. “Because it looks pretty bad.” She told her. And it did, it was just to the left side of her chin, angry and red with the skin having been rubbed against something very rough. And looking closer at it, it almost looked like a bit of skin had come off. “Did you at least clean it?” Clarke asked as she reached back for it, her index finger and thumb gently gabbing her chin. Lexa didn’t seem to want to talk about it and that only worried her even more about it. It looked like it hurt, and it must have been a hard impact to cause something like that.

“Yes,” Lexa breathed out. “I did.” She waited a moment, Clarke looking at her expectedly, waiting for her to continue, explain what happened. “I fell,” She gave in. “It was wet and slippery outside this morning and I slipped.” Lexa looked away, not meeting her eyes, just thinking back to it was making her emotional, she came here to get away from Michael and here she was talking about him . “Fell on my face before I could stop myself, it’s stupid that’s why I didn’t want to tell you.”

Clarke watched her for a moment, watched how Lexa had her eyes lowered and if she didn’t know any better, she would say there was a quiver in her lips. And maybe it was a little suspicious, the last time Clarke saw a bruise on Lexa’s face, she said she had tripped and fallen on the stairs. Yes, this was different but it was a little suspicious that she had fallen twice, on her face, hard enough for it to have left a mark. Not to mention, much like last time, Lexa was trying to avoid talking about it. If it was just tripping and falling, why did she try to avoid it, why was she trying so hard to not talk about it? “Are you sure that’s it?”

“Yeah, ” Lexa nodded, taking a deep breath and steadying herself before looking back up at Clarke. “I’m just clumsy.”

Clarke nodded, letting it go because it was clear that Lexa didn’t want to talk about it. Not to mention, if she was reading things right, Lexa was here for a completely different reason. But that didn’t change the fact t hat she was worried about her ;  from all the time they had spent together, it was clear that they were into each other well past just the physical aspect, they cared about one another. Besides, they were actually dating now and Clarke wanted Lexa to know that she cared about her and wasn’t only here to get into her pants. She wanted to get into her pants, yes, but she wanted a lot more than just that – like being there for her if something was wrong.

It seemed like right now, the way for her to be there for Lexa was by keeping her company. So instead of questioning her anymore about what was wrong – and ruining the mood – Clarke kissed her. Soft and short and sweet , lingering on Lexa’s lips for no longer than a moment before pulling away to ask if she wanted a drink . It was very clear why Lexa came tonight so Clarke had a little mental checklist to work through that would end up with the two of them upstairs in her bed. Lexa gave her a nod, eyes following Clarke up until the moment she left the living room.

She returned a minute later, two glasses of wine in her hands – receiving a very annoyed look from Catra who was trying to sleep. Sitting back down, Clarke handed one of the glasses to Lexa, them falling back into conversation quite easily. And it wasn’t long before things started to get more physical, before they both got a bit more handsy . But as less wine remained in their glasses, the more handsy and touchy the two of them got  with one another. It was more so Clarke than Lexa, she was a bit more hesitant and not used to taking  t he lead, but she was very much appreciative of the way Clarke was touching her, very easily returning all the flirtatious looks, and just letting Clarke ’s hands wander over her body under her shirt as she kissed her again.

“Hey,” Clarke breathed out as they came apart , one hand tangled in Lexa’s hair and the other on her hip. “Do you want to go upstairs?”

Chapter Text

There was something in the way Clarke kissed Lexa that made the rest of the world just…fade away. There was something about the feeling of her lips on her’s and her hands on her body that made Lexa forget about everything in her life that was wrong. Right now, nothing else mattered, all that mattered was Clarke, and being with her, and how she felt against her skin, there were no other thoughts on her mind than just that and god, after the day Lexa had had, she needed this. She let Clarke have her way with her, let her kiss her and touch her and guide her towards the bed; Lexa didn’t want to think, she just wanted to be and it was so easy handing control over to Clarke.

They were seated on the bed now, Clarke sitting back and pulling Lexa down with her so she was straddling her lap. Lexa had her head thrown back with Clarke’s mouth on her neck, hands roaming her body as it slipped under her t-shirt. She couldn’t help the small moan that left her lips at the feeling of Clarke sucking on the sensitive skin on her neck, but not staying long enough to leave a mark, moving away by leaving featherlight kisses instead and making her way further down. But she could only go so far, the deep scooped neck of Lexa’s t-shirt only allowing her access to so much of that perfectly smooth skin.

Clarke’s fingers were already toying with Lexa’s bra strap under the shirt, getting a little ahead of herself but pausing to bring herself up just enough to speak and ask for permission. “Can we take this off?” Clarke asked Lexa, her voice low and breathy, fingers now lightly grabbing the hem of the soft shirt.

The words seemed to bring Lexa back down to Earth, eyes opening and very slowly focusing to find those blue eyes looking back at her, closer than she was anticipating. She remained frozen for a moment, taking a second to register what Clarke had even asked because the way she was looking at her with that intensity made her breath hitch. And well, Lexa didn’t have it in her to speak, her mind was a little too captivated and she only nodded, letting Clarke grab the t-shirt and pull it off over her head.

But then Clarke stopped, her movements stalling as her eyes scanned over Lexa’s body. The smooth, unblemished skin from her neck and exposed shoulders was very different to what Clarke could see now, and it took Lexa a moment to realize why she had stopped. But the moment her mind caught up, her eyes widened in realization and concern, Lexa very much regretting letting Clarke take her shirt off with the lights still on. Well, it was quiet dim, there was only a floor lamp turned on in the corner of the room but it was enough to illuminate the couple of bruises scattered over Lexa’s body because of course the scrape on her chin wasn’t bad enough, and hadn’t raise enough questions from Clarke already.

“Lexa?” Clarke asked softly, ripping her eyes away from the blue and black splotches on the other woman’s body. Given that it was dim, these were the only ones she could see, and Clarke couldn’t help but wonder if there were even more. “What happened?”

But Lexa only shook her head, clearly not wanting to talk about it. “Don’t worry about it,”

Clarke’s hands went on either sides of Lexa’s hips, eyes looking back down, “Are you hurt?” There was an ache in her voice as she asked, wondering if this is why Lexa had called her up tonight and asked if she was free, wondering if whatever had happened left Lexa with needing an escape, needing some comfort.

A lump formed in her throat at the sound of Clarke’s voice. “I’m fine, Clarke.” Lexa told her slowly, doing her best to keep her voice from cracking. But Clarke opened her mouth to speak again, protest, but Lexa stopped her. “I promise, I’m fine.” She tried, a silent plea asking her to let it go. “It’s nothing, trust me.”

Clarke waited a moment, deciding to let it go, it was clear that Lexa didn’t want to talk about it. But whatever it was, it was enough to worry Clarke; if Lexa didn’t want to talk about it though, Clarke wouldn’t make her, instead she’d give her what she came here for – comfort, and company, and an escape. Maybe that’s what would make her feel better right now, and maybe, just maybe, after some time when Clarke brought this up again, Lexa would tell her what had really happened.

So, Clarke kissed her again, slower and much gentler than before, wanting to tell Lexa that she was here for her and that she cared about her without having to use any words. And maybe Lexa understood exactly what she was trying to say, parting her lips and letting Clarke slip her tongue into her mouth, eyes closed as she sighed into the kiss. It was easier than it should have been to give herself completely to Clarke, close her eyes and focus on the hands on her body and let the rest of the world just fade away. Clarke was gentle with her, the way she touched her, the way she held her, the way she kissed her, it was like Lexa was the most precious thing in the world and she was scared of damaging it. 

Clarke had a feeling that whatever was going on with Lexa, it wasn’t anything pretty, and if she had come here looking for an escape, looking for a little positivity and light in the middle of whatever was going on in her life, Clarke would more than happily give it to her. She pulled her down with her, falling back onto the bed with Lexa now on top of her, neither of their lips parting for even a moment, Lexa practically clinging onto her, scared that losing any contact might make Clarke disappear. Or maybe it would snap her back to reality because this had to be a dream right, there was no way she was really in bed with another woman, let alone one that made her feel like this. 

Clarke finally pulled away for air, noticing how it took Lexa a moment to even open her eyes and register she wasn’t kissing her anymore. She couldn’t help the corners of her lips from curling up at the way Lexa was looking at her, her eyes dark and wanting, the green and gray of her irises like a forest in the middle of a storm, her lips already swollen and only about an inch away from her’s. Clarke couldn’t help it when her hand came up and cupped her cheek, the other still holding her waist, as she studied the look in her eyes. There was so much intensity there, so many emotions that Clarke didn’t know could be present in just someone’s eyes. But there was something else there, something that felt an awful lot like pain and hurt, and although they had only just started dating, Clarke wanted nothing more than to take that away. 

“Hey,” Clarke breathed out, furrowing her brows slightly in concern as she saw Lexa’s bottom lip quiver. “What’s wrong?”

Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat, shaking her head slowly, “Nothing,” There was nothing wrong, right now, in this moment, there was absolutely nothing wrong. “I’m good,” She spoke quietly, leaning her face into Clarke’s hand. 

Clarke nodded, believing her this time. “Okay,” She kissed her again, hands moving away from where they were, one going to Lexa’s back while the other cupped the curve of her butt cheek, pulling lexa closer against her. 

Lexa let out an involuntary grunt as her hips pressed close against Clarke’s, her already sensitive core wanting more. She couldn’t help it as her body moved on its own, hips bucking against Clarke’s, seeking more friction, more contact, just more. A warmth settled in the pit of her stomach, suddenly feeling very constrained by the clothes covering her lower half, desperate to take it off. 

The hand on her ass cheek moved up slightly, to the waist of her jeans before Clarke slid it under the fabric, wanting to touch more of her. Maybe, just maybe, Clarke has had a couple of thoughts about grabbing Lexa’s ass, and maybe she has had those thoughts since the day they met. You couldn’t blame her really, one look at it and Clarke’s mouth had gone dry, wondering how perfectly those cheeks would fit in the palm of her hands. Pretty perfectly, as it turns out, Clarke smiled against Lexa’s lips as her hand settled on the expanse of her butt and squeezed lightly, Lexa letting out a gasp at the unexpected contact. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to touch you like this,” Clarke said against her.

“How long?” Lexa asked distractedly, recapturing Clarke’s lips with her’s again.

“Since I saw you.” Clarke pulled her lips away, just enough to answer. “The first time at the museum.” She smirked. “I did come from behind after all,” She brought her head up so she could look down at Lexa. “It looked like it would fit perfectly in my hands.”

Lexa opened her eyes, looking up at Clarke with a playful smile, “I think it does.”

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded, squeezing it a little before letting go and bringing her hands up and out of Lexa’s jeans. “I think you’re a little too dressed.”

“Me?” Lexa questioned, quirking an eyebrow. “You’re still completely dressed.”

“Hmm,” Clarke hummed, leaning in to kiss her again, her arms going up around Lexa this time and turning the two of them onto their sides. She was a little too busy to take her clothes off right now, there were much more important things to pay attention to. That being the half-naked woman in her arms right now that Clarke could not stop kissing. So instead of getting out of her clothes, she let her hands roam over Lexa’s back, her lips moving from Lexa’s mouth to her jaw before moving down her neck. Lexa hummed in response, moving to lay on her back so Clarke could be on top of her.

She let Clarke kiss her, let her kiss down her neck and to her chest. Lexa had her eyes squeezed shut, trying to keep her breathing controlled as she felt Clarke’s lips on her, touching and kissing parts of her body that no one had ever before. No, this was not Lexa’s first time, she was married after all and like most married couples she knew off, they had a night set out every week for sex – which was last night unfortunately. She didn’t particularly enjoy it, but Lexa knew that is what was expected of her, and that it was part of her duties as a wife. But it was very straight forward with Michael, he wasn’t very affectionate, he wasn’t very hands on, there wasn’t much – any – foreplay; simply put, he got in and he got out, that was it.

Michael wasn’t her first either, Lexa wanted to forget about it but there was a string of guys between sixteen and nineteen. They were boys she had been with in an attempt to fix herself, guys she had been with to try and be normal and suppress the sinful and dirty desires she had – according to her family that is. It was all on par with how things were with Michael, men all seemed to be the same, just very focused on themselves, and getting themselves to finish. It didn’t help that Lexa didn’t want them to touch her, that she felt her skin crawl when they did, so no, no one had touched her or kissed her in the places Clarke was right now. And it went without saying that it had never felt nearly as good as it did now either.

Clarke finally brought herself up, reluctantly from having her face buried between Lexa’s boobs, and looked down at her. “Hi,” She said as she looked at Lexa, watching as she very slowly opened her eyes, her mind catching up to her body, finally realizing that Clarke’s mouth wasn’t on her anymore.

Lexa’s hands came up to Clarke’s waist, letting them rest on her hips as she watched her wordlessly. Her mind was a little foggy, already overtaken by pleasure and warmth and just lost in the feeling of being so intimately close to Clarke. She didn’t have it in her to speak, only looked at her questioningly, wanting to ask her why she had stopped. But Clarke answered without needing to be asked, finally grabbing the hem of her own shirt and pulling it off in one swift motion. And if she wasn’t mistaken, Clarke heard Lexa let out an audible gasp at seeing her undressed for the first time. Her mouth was dry as she watched Clarke, eyes darkening as it traveled down the slope of her neck and to her chest, lower down her abdomen and them back up to her chest.

“You’re so beautiful,” Lexa breathed out, hands moving up a little higher, letting her palms running over Clarke’s perfectly smooth skin.

“You’re one to talk,” Clarke couldn’t help but smile down at her, at the way Lexa was looking at her. “I want to see more of you.”

Lexa only nodded, her mind still not entirely grasping the seriousness of the situation, too preoccupied as she let Clarke unbutton her jeans. Her eyes didn’t leave Lexa’s for even a moment, hands making quick work of the button and zipper, then moving over onto the bed so she was able to pull them off. Her movements were slow and deliberate, the jeans coming off in one smooth motion before getting discarded on the edge of the bed – maybe even falling off onto the floor but Lexa couldn’t make herself pay attention. All she knew right now was that Clarke was undressing her and she had, never in her life, felt as good or as comfortable as right now in a situation like this with anyone else.

Clarke didn’t waste a moment, hands going on either sides of Lexa’s thighs, featherlight touches grazing down the soft skin before she lowered herself to press her lips to them. She started right above her left knee, dragging her lips up along the inside of her thighs until she reached the waistband of her panties. Lexa was wet already, Clarke could smell her arousal even though she was still technically wearing underwear, and Clarke was a little impatient to get them off of her just so she could she see exactly how much of an effect she’d had on Lexa already.

She moved up, lips moving up to her stomach, teeth grazing against her skin before looking up at her. “All good?” Clarke asked her softly, wanting to make sure Lexa was alright before going any further.

Lexa nodded, mouth dry as she willed herself to speak. “Yes.”

Clarke nodded, thumbs hooked on either sides of her panties, waiting to take them off. “Any point tonight you’re not good, you tell me okay?” She asked her, wanting to make sure that Lexa knew she could change her mind. Clarke had a feeling Lexa was someone who wasn’t very good at saying no, and she had come over upset and vulnerable, which, from experience, Clarke knew made it less likely for her to listen to herself even if something didn’t feel right. “If anything makes you uncomfortable, you can tell me.”

Lexa watched her for a moment, so much calm and softness in Clarke’s eyes as she looked up at her, waiting for Lexa to respond. It put her at ease, just the way Clarke looked at her was enough to calm the pounding in her chest and make her relax. “Okay,” Lexa nodded after a moment. She had never really found herself saying no to the few partners she had taken to bed – despite her not wanting to do so in the first place – but no one had ever, so clearly, given her the option of saying no or voicing her discomfort before Clarke. It was a little strange, it wasn’t something Lexa was used to – surely not with Michael, he didn’t care much for her comfort, but just what he wanted.

Clarke watched her for a moment, nodding to her, she just wanted to make sure there was no hesitation on Lexa’s part, and that if there was, she could voice them. And from the expression on Lexa’s face, Clarke was confident that she would, which made her feel comfortable in moving forward. It wasn’t a fun experience if they weren’t both enjoying it, and Clarke was very big on consent, she knew Lexa wasn’t in the best headspace right now so she wanted to reiterate that she should not ignore her feelings just for an attempt at an escape…only to regret it later.

So satisfied with it, she pulled her underwear down, keeping her movements slow, teasing her as she let her fingers graze over her skin on the way down. The moment the panties were gone, Clarke’s hands were moving up again, noticing the way Lexa gasped when she touched a particularly sensitive spot on the inside of her thigh. This was one of her favorite things about a new relationship, discovering and learning what the other person liked, discovering how they responded to touch, discovering their body. It was exciting, it set her heart on fire, there was something very exhilarating about it, about learning all the new things about someone. Not just what they liked but how they sounded, how their skin felt under her fingertips, how they looked when they were overcome by pleasure, and just, so many more things.

Clarke’s fingers found themselves between Lexa’s folds, unsurprisingly finding her wet. She wasn’t anywhere near her entrance, but the small touch was enough to get a noise out of Lexa, something small and restrained, like she was trying to hold back and keep herself quiet. She didn’t need to, there wasn’t anyone to overhear the two of them – maybe Catra would get woken up, but that was fine – so Lexa could let go, Clarke wanted to know what she sounded like when she was like this. Lowering herself onto her, Clarke’s mouth went back onto Lexa’s body, fingers still toying between her folds as she kissed her neck, moving lower and onto her chest. Now wet with her slick, Clarke’s index finger just touched Lexa’s clit, not quite expecting the other woman to practically jump upright with her touch being so light.

“Easy,” Clarke told her gently with a smug smirk, her free hand going to rest on Lexa’s upper chest.

“It was umm,” Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat, trying to keep her words steady with Clarke’s hand where it was. “Just unexpected.”

Clarke couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped her lips at the look in Lexa’s eyes. There wasn’t as much turmoil there now, but just arousal, maybe Clarke was successfully taking her mind off of everything else. “You look really cute under me,” Clarke told her with a playful smile.

“I’m not complaining about my view either,” Her hands were resting on Clarke’s waist, looking up at her with very thirsty eyes, wanting more.

“Good,” Clarke nodded, her middle finger edging further into Lexa. “I like being on top.” She kept her eyes locked on Lexa’s, her movements small and measured as her fingers kept at it, middle finger parting her entrance and about to enter.

Lexa didn’t dare look away, it looked like Clarke was silently asking for permission to slide her finger inside her and Lexa nodded. It was the smallest movement, her body a little too stiff with anticipation to do much more than that, almost afraid to move too much right now in case that broke whatever trance she was in. Lexa wanted this, she wanted this so bad, there was not an ounce of doubt in her mind as she finally felt Clarke’s middle finger very slowly sliding inside her. Lexa only let out a hum in content, there was no resistance there – like every night she spent with Michael – she was so wet and loose for Clarke and when Clarke started moving her finger inside her, Lexa couldn’t hold back on the moan.

Clarke kept her head raised, wanting to see Lexa as she pleasured her. The first time with a new partner was always exciting, and Clarke didn’t want to miss anything, she wanted to make sure she caught every change in Lexa, caught every little gasp and shift in expression. Lexa hadn’t looked away either, her eyes locked into Clarke’s as she felt her finger deep inside her, watching the small flickers in those blue irises. “All good?” Clarke asked, her finger making small circles inside Lexa.

Lexa nodded, a strained hum making its way out as she did her best to keep her body from squirming with how good Clarke felt. She was very used to just laying very still and tolerating the…bedroom activities, telling herself to just keep her body relaxed and not tense up to make it as comfortable as was possible. Up until now, she had never had to stop herself from squirming, hadn’t had to stop herself from holding back on making noises because it felt good – and god, they had only just started. “Keep going,” Lexa finally got out, asking for more.

Clarke didn’t wait, slipping another finger inside Lexa without much warning, but it went in without any resistance, Lexa was so wet that she was practically dripping down her hand. It made her gasp, a strained groan following close behind as Clarke settled into a steady pace of thrusting. Lexa was still very restrained, like she was afraid to let herself go, like she was still holding back, and not fully allowing herself to feel or react to Clarke. And Clarke was very determined to get exactly that out of her; she wanted her to be free and unrestrained, wanted her to let go because Lexa had no need to hold herself back.

It wasn’t more than two minutes before Lexa was squirming in her spot on the bed, no regard for who might hear her as noises spilled out with every pump of Clarke’s fingers. She couldn’t care right now, couldn’t care about anything other than how good everything felt, how good Clarke felt, and realized how good – for the first time in her life – sex could feel. Clarke’s pace was steady, not going too hard or too fast, her fingers gentle yet persistent, their only purpose right now being to make Lexa feel good. And Lexa let her, she couldn’t hold herself back even if she tried to at this point, she couldn’t hold back on the noises that left her lips, or the way her body writhed on the bed, or the way her hips tried to grind against Clarke’s hand.

Clarke lowered herself, not letting her pace falter as her mouth went back on Lexa’s neck, leaving a trail of kisses as she moved lower. Her free hand came up to Lexa’s chest, grabbing a handful of her boob and squeezing gently before massaging it absentmindedly, almost at the same pace as her fingers inside her. As her lips moved lower, she went on Lexa’s other breast, tongue swirling around her nipple and receiving a very sharp reaction in response.

“Fuck, Clarke!” Lexa wasn’t expecting it, she didn’t even know what this sort of stimulation would feel like, and it really felt like being electrocuted, making her upper body almost jump off the bed – all in the best way possible. She could feel Clarke smirk against her at that, no doubt pleased with herself for getting that reaction.

She gently grazed her teeth against it, feeling her nipple hardening under her touch before looking up at Lexa. “You like how that feels?”

Lexa only nodded, feeling like the lump in her throat was making it impossible for her to speak. And it didn’t make it any easier when Clarke’s mouth went back to what it was doing, Lexa letting out a noise somewhere between broken groan and a sigh in response.

“Tell me what you want,” Clarke brought herself up about a minute later, halting any sort of movement as she looked down at Lexa. She was breathless and panting, eyes looking dazed as she took a moment to figure out how to so much as speak.

“You,” Lexa breathed out, she wanted Clarke, that’s all that mattered to her right now; she was lost in how good she felt, how good Clarke was making her feel, and well, it was difficult to focus on anything when she was had two fingers buried deep in her pussy.

“Me?” Clarke asked and Lexa only nodded, Clarke’s face breaking into a smile as she lowered herself to kiss Lexa again. She was close, she was very close and it had barely been ten minutes but Clarke could feel her walls fluttering around her fingers, clenching and unclenching, chasing the high that was oh so close.

Her lips trembled as she kissed Clarke back, her hips squirming and legs trying to close. She could feel the tension building inside her, the knot tight and wanting to unravel as Clarke’s fingers hit certain spots inside her that Lexa didn’t even know existed. It wasn’t like she hadn’t…spent time with herself alone in bed, but it wasn’t much. Lexa grew up seeing pleasure – especially sexual pleasure – as something sinful and wrong, as something to stay away from and suppress. So she had really only gotten herself off a couple of times before Michael, and well, more so after they got together because she found herself needing the release after some of their scheduled sex nights when he left her frustrated and wound up. She couldn’t help it, even if it wasn’t what she wanted, certain physical actions led to certain needs – it was purely the physical mechanics of it all that had Lexa standing in the bathroom after he was asleep, desperately and carelessly working her fingers to get her release.

Sex with him was complicated. Lexa never said no because as his wife, she felt like it was her duty to give him what he wanted, to satisfy him, and keep him happy. Besides, married people had sex, married women had sex with their husbands, and they didn’t say no – she had basically said yes to everything when she said I do. If it was up to Lexa, if she had a choice in the matter, Lexa would say no, she would say she didn’t want to, that sex with a man – with any man – was not something she wanted to do. But it wasn’t up to her, it wasn’t her choice anymore, she had given all of herself – including her body – to Michael, so she just…went with it. It was worse at the start of their marriage, Lexa did try to resist but she soon realized it went a lot smoother and quicker if she gave in and let him do as he pleased.

It was so different with Clarke though. Just the way she touched Lexa was different; the way her fingers felt like electricity on her skin, the way her lips felt against her’s, the way she looked at her, god it was so different to what Lexa was used to. She never gave into her desires like this, she wasn’t allowed to, she never let herself because it was ingrained into her mind that it was sinful and wrong, and she should not be taking pleasure in something like this. But now, in this moment, laying under Clarke with her deep inside her and her mouth practically worshipping her body, Lexa couldn’t imagine anything feeling more right.

Lexa wasn’t sure whether it was the physical sensations building that was affecting her emotions or whether it was everything else, but before she knew it she could feel tears stinging the back of her eyes. Clarke’s movements were slow and purposeful, surely pulling her closer to the edge while her free hand held onto Lexa’s hips to keep her as steady as possible. Her lips didn’t leave her’s for even a moment, thumb coming to carefully make tight circles on her clit, the sudden contact making Lexa practically scream out. Clarke put a little more pressure, catching Lexa’s bottom lip between her teeth as she felt Lexa clenching around her fingers to the point she had to stop thrusting. But her thumb kept rubbing circles on her clit, unable to help the very pleased smirk as the orgasm washed over Lexa.

Her back arched off the bed, jaw clenched in an attempt to keep herself from crying out loud but that was short lived as Clarke kissed her again. She couldn’t help the sob that escaped her, unable to stop herself as both the emotional and physical high hit her all at once. Lexa only hoping that Clarke didn’t recognize it to be a sob but just a louder moan because at this point she couldn’t stop herself even if she tried. But then she felt the tears spill, even with her eyes closed she could feel them leaking out from the corner of her eyes and fuck, this is the last thing I need right now.

“Ride it out baby,” Clarke said against her lips, noticing the way Lexa’s hips were moving and practically grinding on her fingers. “I got you,” Her mouth went onto Lexa’s neck, placing soft kisses as the intensity of the orgasm started to come down. “I got you, you’re okay,” She cooed at her, lips coming in contact with the tears that were spilling onto her cheeks.

Her body finally went limp, the high leaving her body with a shudder as her arms came up on their own accord to wrap around Clarke’s back. Lexa didn’t know what it was, didn’t know what had gotten into her because right now it felt like she wasn’t in control of her body, of her actions, like she was in a car in the passenger seat only watching the road with no way of controlling where she was going. So she found herself clinging onto Clarke as her body trembled, tears falling freely and quiet sobs leaving her as she pressed her face to Clarke’s shoulder in an attempt to quieten them.

Her arms were around Lexa now too, holding her close to her as she let her get her emotions out. “Hey, are you okay?” Clarke asked softly and Lexa only nodded in response. “Yeah? Okay, I got you.” She kissed the side of face, holding her and giving her time to get a hold of her emotions. Clarke wasn’t sure whether to be worried or not; some people did cry after sex – Clarke didn’t particularly understand it, but she knew it to be a thing – so Lexa might just be one of those people. On the other hand though, Lexa had come over very upset tonight, something was clearly wrong, and well,  Clarke just wanted to make her feel better.

And that seemed to be in the form of orgasms because Lexa had lost track of the number of times Clarke had made her come – and it worked too. They were now just laying in bed together, enjoying the silence and just each other’s presence with Lexa laying in her arms, with her head on Clarke’s chest. No part of her wanted to leave right now, she wished she could spend forever in this moment, she felt safe and wanted and cared for but one look at the clock on the wall across the bed told her that it was about time she left.

“Clarke,” Lexa spoke quietly, her voice low and sleepy. “I really need to go.” But she didn’t move, no indication of actually going.

“No,” Clarke whined, “Stay with me, stay the night.” She tightened her arm around Lexa’s waist, kissing the top of her head to try and tempt her in staying.

“I need to get back home,” Lexa sighed reluctantly.

Clarke frowned as Lexa looked up at her, very much exaggerating it. “You’ll sleep better next to me, I can guarantee that.”

Lexa huffed out a small laugh, “I don’t doubt it.” She really didn’t, she was very close to falling asleep right now and Lexa had no doubt in her mind that she would get the best night’s sleep here in Clarke’s arm. “But I have an early morning.”

Clarke finally loosened her hold on Lexa, reluctantly letting her go because she knew Lexa wouldn’t be leaving right now unless she really had to. “Skip whatever you have.” She tried one last time.

“I wish I could,” Lexa sighed, rolling out of Clarke’s arms and off the bed, forcing herself onto her feet. “I have a meeting with a new client first thing in the morning.” And here she was lying to Clarke again. It hadn’t gotten any easier, if anything, it was getting harder and harder to keep lying to Clarke the more their relationship progressed.

Clarke pouted at her, propping herself up on her elbow, letting the covers fall away to her waist and exposing her chest. She watched as Lexa bend down and pick up her clothes, unruffling them and studying the wrinkles in them already from being so carelessly thrown on the floor. “That sounds important but…” She tried, “My bed if very comfy.”

“It is,” Lexa agreed with a smile, hooking the clasp on her bra and pulling her panties on. “Trust me, if it were up to me I’d stay.”

Clarke noticed the small change in her features as she said that, watching as Lexa stepped into her jeans and looked away from her. “Are you okay?” She asked her hesitantly; Clarke still didn’t know what was wrong, still didn’t know why she was upset and Lexa was in a much better mood after their uh…activities, but it didn’t look like Lexa wanted to go back to whatever she had come here from.

Lexa nodded, clenching her jaws as she pulled the t-shirt back over her head. “Yeah, I’m good.” But she couldn’t meet Clarke’s eyes, knew that if she did she wouldn’t be able to walk out of this room and go back to her house. “Thank you for tonight Clarke.” Lexa spoke softly, her eyes on the floor, already stepping away towards the door. “I’ll see you later?”

Clarke nodded, “Probably tomorrow if you’re down at the museum.” She told her with a smile, something inside her stirring and telling herself to not let Lexa go. “After you’re done with work, of course.”

Lexa nodded, stepping away towards the door, wondering where her jacket was – probably on the staircase, or downstairs. “I’ll be there.”

“Want me to give you a ride back to your place?”

Lexa’s neck snapped up, finally looking at Clarke. “No, no, I’ll get an uber back. It’s late, you’re already in bed.”

Clarke nodded, not pushing. “You sure you’re okay?” She asked one last time, she wasn’t entirely convinced that Lexa was.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” She returned to the bed, wanting to say goodbye properly. “Good night, Clarke.” Lexa leaned down and kissed her, letting her lips linger for a moment

It was a soft kiss, Clarke smiling into it as they came apart. “Good night, baby.”

Chapter Text

She wasn’t looking forward to this, if anything Lexa was dreading it. She hadn’t seen her parents since they moved to Arkadia, so it had been a little over a month now. And honestly, it had been great, Lexa didn’t miss them, not one bit, and she was absolutely dreading seeing them now. Her mom and dad were coming over for almost a week, they wanted to see her and Michael, see how they were doing and spend some time with the two of them. They were settled well into their new life now, the house was in order, Michael was settled into his new job, and Lexa’s parents felt now was be a good time to pay them a visit.

As much as Lexa didn’t want to see them, Michael couldn’t wait. He loved her parents as much as they loved him, he was about as much of a son to him as Lexa’s brother was. To them, Michael was no short of a gift sent from above for their daughter, he was a miracle that would put up with Lexa when well…even when her own parents couldn’t. Actually it wasn’t just putting up with her but loving her too, there was no doubt in Lexa’s mind that they didn’t – couldn’t – love her because of how she was, because of something about her that completely out of her control. So they didn’t want to Lexa to mess things up with him, because in his own way he did love Lexa; it didn’t feel like it to her, but she knew he did. And maybe that made everything that much worse because it would be a lot easier to tell herself that he hurt her out of hatred – like her dad used to – not out of some twisted version of love.

“I don’t think I will be seeing much of you this week,” Lexa reluctantly said into the phone. Michael was out right now, off to pick up her parents from the airport while Lexa stayed home and finished getting everything ready for their arrival. She was speaking to Clarke, they hadn’t seen each other in a couple of days, she was a little busy at home getting things prepared for her parents so she hadn’t gotten the chance to go anywhere with Clarke. Her mom was very judgmental, her dad a perfectionist, and they were both very hard to please so Lexa wanted to make sure everything was absolutely perfect; they would find one thing or another to complain about but Lexa wanted to give them as little reasons as possible.

“No,” Clarke whined from the other side, “Why not?”

“My parents are visiting,” Lexa answered begrudgingly. “They’re coming today and they’re staying for the week.”

Clarke heard the sigh from the other end, hearing as Lexa fell silent. It was an easy assumption to make that she did not want to see them. “Not looking forward to it?”

Lexa remained silent for a beat. “Not really.” There was only so much she could lie to Clarke about, there was only so much she was willing to lie to Clarke about. This wouldn’t give anything away, people had family issues, had parents they didn’t get along with, had a bad upbringing. It didn’t have anything to do with Michael, so Lexa could at least be honest about her family with Clarke. “I don’t have the best relationship with them.” She admitted quietly. “I would much rather they did not come over and just left the visits to strictly holidays. That would be more than enough.”

“They’re staying the whole week?” Clarke asked. She wanted to learn more about Lexa, more about her past and her life before she moved to her. She rarely talked about herself, all Clarke knew about her was what she did for work and a rough idea of where she lived. She knew next to nothing about her, nothing past what was on the surface.

They had been together for two weeks now, and Clarke knew Lexa on a personal level, she her well enough to know how she looked when she was happy, or the heaviness and weariness in her eyes when she was having a bad day. Not that Clarke ever knew why she was having a bad day, all Lexa would say was that it had been a long day, or that she was having a rough time, but never why. There were a lot of scars on her body, ones that looked at least a couple of years old, meaning Lexa got them when she was younger. Which had led Clarke to wonder whether it was because her parents were abusive, and now Lexa saying she didn’t want to particularly see them only further confirmed it.

Lexa didn’t talk about them, not the scars, not the bruises that looked much newer and seemed to appear more frequently than Clarke thought was okay. But after their first time together, Clarke stopped asking, stopped mentioning them completely because all it did was make Lexa more upset. So Clarke figured, given everything that was going on with Lexa – whatever it was, because it wasn’t like she knew what it was – she could give her something to at least smile about, be the spark of light on her bad days. And well, it seemed like Lexa really needed that, she wouldn’t talk to Clarke about her feelings, about what was wrong, about what had happened that got her in a bad mood, but when she saw the hurt look in Lexa’s eyes, all Clarke really wanted was to do anything she could to lessen it.

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded despite Clarke not being able to see her. “Well, they’re leaving on Friday so almost a week.”

Clarke waited a second, rethinking what she wanted to ask, not wanting to make Lexa retreat. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m going to be fine.” Lexa tried to reassure her. “The worst part will be not seeing you.”

Clarke could hear the small smile in her voice, “I’m only a text or phone call away,” She reminded, adding lightly, “I know what parents can be like,” Although I have an idea your’s might be a lot worse than mine. “So if you need to talk, or just bitch about them, I’m your gal.”

“I really appreciate that, Clarke.” Lexa told her. “Hopefully it’ll be a short week.”

Yeah Lexa really didn’t want to see her parents. Being away from them this long only made it more difficult to be with them now. They had nothing but praises for Michael, incredibly happy to see him again – much more so than Lexa – complimenting the house and the car, and telling him how proud they were of him for everything, for how well they were taking care of their daughter, and how great of a husband he was. They didn’t have much good to say to Lexa, after the initial pleasantries and hugs and we missed yous, it was nitpicking about things around the house, pointed questions to ask if she was upholding her duties and responsibilities as a wife. There were only complaints. That she hadn’t made the bed properly, that dinner wasn’t good enough, the house wasn’t clean, the coffee was cold, just that nothing was good enough.

She hadn’t spoken to Clarke in the past two days, since her parents came over on Monday. Lexa was constantly busy with her mom and dad, more so with her mother because she was practically breathing down her neck every passing second of every hour. Michael was keeping her dad busy, after he was back home from work of course, taking him out to meet his friend or to the local sports bar, and really, Lexa was more thankful to him than she thought she would ever be for having her father out of the house for even a couple of hours.

By now, Lexa was a little overwhelmed with having them here. She hasn’t lived with her parents for years now, she was used to having her own space – albeit sharing it with Michael. And to suddenly have them both back here, living with her – even if it was just temporarily – with them acting like they were in charge and not just guests was really getting to her.

Lexa would have hoped that Michael would be a little less physical, or a bit more restrained given that there were two other people in the house. But they might as well be alone because Michel slapped her across the face last night, so hard that it cut the inside of cheek, and they were in the living room with her dad. Her father didn’t say anything, only shook his head disapprovingly at her because of course it was her fault for upsetting him, then proceeded to reprimand her because she needed to do better. And when Lexa had tried to leave the room, she was faced with even more comments, not said to her, but between the two men, about her, her dad saying how she needed to do better and Michael saying it was fine because he knew how to  handle her.

It was hard to drink coffee this morning, the hot liquid irritating the cut on the inside of her cheek. But Michael was out the door soon enough, Lexa’s dad leaving to go upstairs to the study to…do whatever he wanted, Lexa know and she didn’t care as long as he was out of her way, and her mom had gone off to the living room. Of course, she was left to clean up in the kitchen, all the dishes from breakfast still on the table for her to clear up. Her mom had offered to help, but it was just for show because she walked out before Lexa could even answer.

Clarke

8:42am

my museum is missing its favorite patron

Lexa smiled as her phone lit up on the countertop next to the sink. She had just finished loading the dishwasher and was washing her hands. So turning the tap off and wiping her hands, she picked up her phone to reply.

Lexa

8:43am

Your favorite patron is missing your museum too.

Clarke

8:43am

any chance i’ll get to see you before the end of the week?

Lexa sighed as she read the text. It was perfectly reasonable for Clarke to want to see her – they still hadn’t really put a label on their relationship, but it was definitely a relationship at this point and if Lexa was in Clarke’s position she’d want to see her too. But she really didn’t have any way of getting out of the house on her own with her parents here. Even if Michael was at work, her parents were home and she was very much expected to take care of their every need. Not to mention, if Lexa said she needed to go out, they would ask where she was going and why, possibly also guilt trip her by saying she was not spending time with them after they came all this way to see their daughter.

Lexa

8:45am

I don’t think so, I’m sorry Clarke.

Clarke

8:46am

no no don’t be its okay

Clarke

8:46am

i understand. i really do

She had only spoken to Lexa once since Monday, and it was Wednesday today, she missed her, she wanted to see her or at least talk to her. The most they had been able to do was text a couple of times a day and that was it. And it seemed like every time they talked –texted – Lexa wasn’t in the best mood. She had told Clarke that she didn’t have the best relationship with her parents so it made sense, but Clarke still wanted to know what was going on, she wanted to know more about Lexa, wanted to know what she could do to make her feel better and she couldn’t do that if she didn’t know what Lexa was going through.

Lexa

8:47am

I’ll make it up to you, I promise.

Clarke

8:47am

you have nothing to make up for. people get busy. everyone has other commitments that they can’t get out of.

Lexa

8:47am

Thank you for understanding. And trust me, I would much rather be spending my time with you than with my parents.

Lexa mentioned more than once that she didn’t particularly get along with her parents, but Clarke didn’t know the extent of their relationship. She’d like to, she would like to know more about her, but it had never really come up until now. And Clarke really wanted to ask, but whenever she had asked about anything personal in the past, Lexa shut down pretty quickly and Clarke didn’t want to do that right now. Especially considering the fact that Lexa was kind of isolated; she didn’t want her to be completely alone, Clarke didn’t want her to pull away from her when it seemed like she was the only one Lexa had to talk to right now.

Clarke

8:49am

are you doing okay baby?

Lexa sighed as she read the text, she wasn’t sure she wanted Clarke to know how she was feeling. Truthfully, she wasn’t okay, even less okay than she had been last week because not only did she have to deal with Michael but her parents too. She didn’t want to put it on Clarke; she didn’t need to know, she didn’t need to deal with her after she had been with her family, it wasn’t Clarke’s job to pick her up when they knocked her down. For the most part, Clarke didn’t know enough about Lexa, didn’t know about her life, about her past, about her other relationships. All she knew were the lies she had told her. The only real thing Lexa had told Clarke about was her parents.

But before Lexa could reply to the text, her mom walked into the kitchen, her footsteps very loud and purposeful. It was a familiar sound, something that was ingrained into her memory as something preceding her getting into trouble or her ending up hurt one way or another. And she hated how it made her feel because without realizing it, there was a shiver going down her spine and a sudden wave of fear hitting her. So locking her phone screen and turning it to be facedown on the counter in a panic, Lexa looked up at her mom.

“Everything alright?” She forced a smile, asking as politely as she could muster.

“You know, this house is huge for just you and Michael.” Her mom started as she stepped up closer to her and pulled out a chair from the breakfast table and sat down.

“Right…” Lexa answered, not entirely sure where she was going with this. She turned on the tap, filling herself a glass of water and leaned back against the counter, waiting her mom to continue.

“Your father and I were talking last night,” Nia added. “When are you and Michael thinking about having children?”

The question seemed to make the sip of water go down the wrong pipe, causing her to cough up unexpectedly. “What?” Lexa set the glass down next to her, picking up the tea towel to wipe the water from her face and front of her shirt.

“You two have been married, what? Over a month now?” Nia asked knowingly. “Have you two talked started planning?”

Lexa took a moment before replying, “We haven’t been married that long mom,”

“That is not what I asked you.”

“No,” She shook her head slowly, “We haven’t talked about it, not yet.”

“So you’re not trying to get pregnant?”

Lexa’s eyes widened, honestly, that would be the last thing she would want. “No,” She shook her head, before very quickly adding to not anger her mother. “Not yet.”

“Why not?” Nia challenged, like Lexa hadn’t just told her why not.

“Because we haven’t been married that long.” Lexa repeated. “We’re still settling into married life, we’re not ready to bring a baby into it yet.” Or ever, she didn’t want to get pregnant, trying to get pregnant was probably the worst thing Lexa could imagine doing. And to have a child with Michael? No, she couldn’t really do that in right conscience. He was an awful person, he was awful to her and Lexa couldn’t imagine bringing a baby into a home like this, no one else deserved what she was going through, especially a child. And Lexa didn’t think she could live with herself if she ended up with a daughter who grew up the same way she did.

“You need to lock him down, Alexandria.” Nia’s tone was firm, almost like it was an order rather than a suggestion.

“I married him, mom.” Lexa held back on the scoff, knowing that would just anger her further. “I think I’ve locked him down.”

“Marriages can be temporary.” Nia told her, getting up from her seat and stepping up to stand across from her daughter. “But a baby is forever.”

“It’s too soon.” Lexa tried again. “We need more time.”

“More time for him to realize everything that is wrong with you?” Her mom asked casually with raised eyebrows.

Lexa felt her shoulders slump at the comment, she knew exactly what her mom meant, she knew exactly what was wrong with her that needed to be kept hidden from her husband. And it was a lot more than just not liking men.

“You’re not going to get anyone better than him.” Nia told her. “He is a standup man, he’s taking care of you, and I won’t have you losing him because you didn’t solidify this relationship soon enough.”

“We just haven’t talked about it.” Lexa tried again. “Michael hasn’t mentioned kids yet either, so we’re just…getting to know each other as husband and wife for now.”

“Don’t you understand?” Nia asked, clearly exasperated. “That is exactly what we are afraid of.” She said through clenched teeth. “The more he gets to know you, the more he will realize he can do better, the more he will start to see everything that is wrong with you. Which means, the longer you wait, the more likely it is that he will leave you.”

“I’m doing everything I can.” Lexa said to her mom; it was no secret that Lexa believed exactly what her parents said. She believed that she was unlovable, and that there was something fundamentally wrong with her, and if she wasn’t careful or even just useful to the people around her, she would end up alone.

Nia remained silent for a beat, studying Lexa before finally asking. “Are you not putting out for him?”

Lexa blinked slowly at the question, eyebrows raised and eyes wide as she took a moment, asking herself whether she had heard her mother correctly. “What?”

“Are you not satisfying him, is this what this is about?” Nia asked her calmly, a certain judgement in her tone. She almost sounded like she was reprimanding Lexa for something very mundane, not asking her about her sex life with her husband.

“Mom!” Lexa exclaimed, turning her head away from her mom. She never so much as got the sex talk from her parents, sex was always seen as bad and shameful, not something to be discussed openly. It was matters of the bedroom that were to remain private between a husband and wife. So yes, it was more than a little awkward that her mom was asking her things like this so openly. But well, this wasn’t just about the sex, Lexa knew this was more about making sure she stayed in line and her parents were willing to do anything to ensure that.

“You are his wife, Alexandria.” Nia told her sternly, hand grabbing Lexa’s wrist and making her look back at her. “I don’t care if you want to or not, with all your…issues, only god knows what you want,” She shook her head in disgust, Lexa’s family still wouldn’t use the word gay, still refused to, like just uttering the word was something sacrilegious. “But it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter what you want, you understand me?” Her grip on Lexa’s wrist tightened, jerking her arm momentarily, asking Lexa to meet her eyes.

Lexa looked up at her hesitantly, her heart pounding in her chest at both her mom’s tone and close proximity, not to mention the grip she had on her wrist.

“He is your husband and you have certain duties to uphold, Alexandria.” The bite in her words sent a chill down Lexa’s spine. Suddenly, she was back to feeling like the scrawny, helpless teenager, cornered by her mom in the bathroom where she was trying to hide. “Part of that is keeping him happy, even in the- especially in the bedroom.”

“Jesus Christ, mo-”

But her mom cut her off, not saying anything but a firm open hand coming in contact with her cheek with an audible smack. Lexa’s head snapped to the side from the impact and hand came up to grab her face. Her mom was a lot stronger than you would anticipate from someone her age and stature. And she slapped her the same side as Michael had last night, her face already sensitive that it made her whine out in pain now. It was small and quiet, she didn’t want her mom to hear her, didn’t want to give her that satisfaction.

“Do not take the Lord’s name in vain.” Nia threatened, like that was enough of a reason to slap her daughter. “And don’t take that tone with me, Alexandria.” Her grip on Lexa’s wrist tightened even more, Lexa certain there would be imprints of her boney fingers on her pale skin after this. “Your father and I have done everything in our power for your entire life to keep you in line and from giving into your sinful, disgusting urges.”

Lexa had her eyes stuck on the floor, too scared to even look up at her mother. She could feel the tears stinging the back of her eyes and clenched her jaw in an attempt to push them back, but the quiver in her lips probably gave her away. “Sorry.” She muttered quietly, the words just about audible.

“We are not going to be here your whole life.” Nia bit out. “But Michael will be, he will keep you in line, he will take care of you, he will make sure you don’t do something you so badly want to. But you need to do your part too, you stupid ungrateful girl.”

Chapter Text

It had been a long day.

It had been a very long day actually. Lexa was still trying to forget the conversation she had with her mom this morning and it did not help that she decided to bring it up again later in the evening – this time, though, in front of Michael. But his reaction came as a surprise to both Lexa and her parents; by some miracle he was in agreement with Lexa – for now anyways – saying that they hadn’t been married too long, and they could wait a bit longer before bringing a baby into it. He was quick to reassure Lexa’s parents that he did intend of having children, and having a family, but not just yet; they were young after all, they had time. It didn’t surprise Lexa though, that no one even thought to ask her if she even wanted to have children, if she was ready to be a mom. It was expected of her, that was the norm; you get married, you have kids, you lead a normal life with your spouse, so of course her input in the matter didn’t matter.

Really, Lexa wouldn’t be opposed to being a mother under different circumstances. There were more than a couple of reasons she didn’t want to with Michael; first and foremost being that it was Michael, and secondly it was due to the fear that her child would have the same childhood as she’d had if she were to bring it into this family – it wouldn’t be fair, simple as that. If Lexa’d had things go her way, and if she was married to someone she actually loved and trusted, she would absolutely want a family. She would want to be the type of parent she never had, give her baby the childhood she never had, give them the unconditional love she didn’t get growing up. But with Michael, Lexa just…didn’t want to repeat the cycle.

And none of that was even mentioning the fact that she was entirely terrified of being pregnant. Honestly, Lexa could not think of a single experience as scary or as horrific as carrying a baby. Maybe it was irrational, but the more she thought about it, Lexa was convinced that it was irrational to not be terrified by it. There is an actual living creature growing inside you for nine months, I am right to be horrified of that.

“I say we wait until our first anniversary before we start trying.” Michael said as they settled into bed and turned the lights out. “But if it happens before that, it happens.”

The thought of it made Lexa sick to her stomach. It was bad enough that they were…intimate usually twice a week, the thought of having to do that practically every day in an attempt to do achieve she really didn’t want almost made Lexa want to throw up her dinner – which, if you asked her mom, would be the food’s fault because it was frankly inedible, as she put it very lightly halfway through the meal. But that didn’t matter, what she wanted, what she thought didn’t matter, so instead she just nodded at him, “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

“It’s way too soon for a baby, we have been married, what? A month.” Michael sighed to himself. “I love your parents, but they can be a little pushy.”

“Trust me, I know.”

That got a chuckle out of her husband, “They’re great in small doses, I adore them but I can’t imagine having to live with them.” He admitted lightly. “Eighteen years under the same roof? How did you manage without blowing your brains out?”

“Oh, I came close.” Lexa joked, not wanting him to know that she was being serious. “I mean,” She shrugged lightly, “You’ve seen my body.” She didn’t like talking about it, it was a long time ago, but Michael had seen the self-harm scars on her and he had even asked about them at the start – thankfully Clarke didn’t, it was very easy to tell how they came to be, the scars had a very distinctive look, unmistakable for anything.

“Oh, come on,” Michael nudged her arm playfully. “They’re not that bad.”

“Spend eighteen years in the same house and then you’ll know what I’m talking about.” She couldn’t help but smile up at him, Michael wasn’t always that bad.

It was moments like this with him that made her feel even worse about what she was doing. Before Clarke, moments like this still made her feel bad, made her feel guilty about not being able to give herself completely to him and to love him and trust him the way he did her. It was…complicated, how she felt about him was very complicated. Michael wasn’t always horrible, he had his moments, when he wanted he could be an absolute sweetheart and it did make Lexa think that him being negative and violent towards her was maybe her own fault. And when he was like this…Lexa actually liked him, he could make her smile if he tried or wanted to, hell he could even make her feel safe and cared for when he tried. So really, Lexa couldn’t help but wonder if it was her fault when things were bad.

“Okay, that’s fair.” He raised his arms in mock-surrender. “But now you live halfway across the country from them. Ever wondered why I took the job here?”

Lexa furrowed her eyebrows slightly, not sure what he meant. “Because it pays much better than anything you would get back there?”

“I could have gotten that probably one state over.” Michael shrugged, pausing for a moment before continuing. “Your parents are great but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out you don’t have the best relationship with them. So I thought you would like to get away from them, for good.” He raised his eyebrows as he looked at her, that was one of the reasons he took the job here but to him, it didn’t entirely matter where they were moving to as long as it paid well. But he knew it would be ideal for his wife, she needed space away from her parents, she needed her own space to grow and be her own person. Her parents were very pushy, and they were controlling and wanted to be in charge of every aspect of her life. And well, it did lead to them getting married, so Michael couldn’t entirely complain, but he also wanted to well…have Lexa to himself.

It was their first night together that he had seen the scars and asked Lexa about them, and really, he was not too sure how to react. Until they had gotten together, Michael didn’t know much about Lexa, and after the months they spent together before getting engaged, he came to learn that Lexa had a…troubled childhood, and she didn’t have the best relationship with her family – no matter how hard she tried to make it look like things were fine. He didn’t know the details and frankly, Michael didn’t care enough to find out, but even now, according to him – and her family – Lexa was a little bothered up there. But he was fine with it, it made it a little challenging to deal with her from time to time but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. Out of all the other women his parents had introduced him to – and the couple he had seriously dated – Lexa was by far the best.

“Wait, really?”

“It wasn’t the only reason, but it was a reason.” He nodded. “It was an important reason.”

Lexa was at a loss for words really, she would have never thought Michael would do anything for her let alone something like this. “I had no idea.” She finally got out, feeling herself unexpectedly being drawn closer to him. It was easy to feel like he didn’t care, the way he acted and the way he was towards her most times made it feel like he really didn’t care. But this, this was very clear indication that he did.

Michael’s arms came up around his wife, one going around her shoulder and the other around her waist, bringing her closer to him. “Besides, I like it here.” He said as she brought her head to rest on his chest. “The weather is much nicer, there is way less traffic, the neighborhood is great, and I really like being able to make my wife my number one priority, Alexandria.”

And there it was again, that pain in her chest, overwhelming and sharp and drowning her in shame. He did love her, in his own ways he did, and that made everything so much harder and so much worse. Especially when he was being like this, when he was being sweet and nice and showing some form of care and affection towards her. “I like nights like these.” Lexa admitted, her voice quiet and soft, and she meant it. If he was always like this, Lexa wouldn’t hate this marriage half as much as she did, if anything, she would maybe even like it. No, she would never be attracted to him, she would never have any romantic feelings towards him but Lexa would at least like him and like being in his company if he was more like this.

“Yeah,” Michael nodded, agreeing as she kissed the top of her head. “I love you.”

God, it would be so much easier if the ground would open up and swallow me whole. “I love you too.”

She had been lying in bed wide awake for hours now. Michael asleep and Lexa unable to do much more than just toss and turn and keep her exasperated sighs to a minimum. At least Michael was a deep sleeper, it took a lot to wake him up. But well, Lexa couldn’t sleep. Not only had it been a long day, but it had been one hell of a night too. As nice as it was when Michael treated her a bit more like an actual human being, it filled her with so many more conflicting thoughts. She couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation they’d had, or the way Michael had held her tonight where his arms around felt safe rather than suffocating, or the way he had agreed with her about her parents and actually made her feel heard…it was all surprisingly nice.

And Michael wasn’t nice.

Because if he was, it made everything so much harder.

So, on top of all her conflicting feelings for him and the anxiety that was still coursing through her veins from her conversation with her mom this morning, there was Clarke. There was Clarke and there were those pesky feelings Lexa was starting to develop for her. She hated the fact that she was lying to her about…practically everything, Lexa knew there was so much she couldn’t tell Clarke, so much about her that Clarke couldn’t know but it didn’t stop Lexa from wanting her. She didn’t know what it was but despite it all, despite her situation, despite her family, and her relationship – her marriage – she couldn’t stop thinking about Clarke.

And here it was, Lexa could feel it building inside her, could feel that nervous energy growing and threatening to burst out of her at any moment, and she knew she was very close to an anxiety attack. She needed to get out, she needed to get out of bed and out of the room and away from Michael and get some air because if she didn’t, Lexa would have to deal with a full-blown anxiety attack. So, taking a deep breath Lexa rolled out of bed and got up on shaky legs, looking around the dark for her phone on the nightstand before finally making her way out of the room.

The moment she stepped out of the bedroom, it felt like the tightness in her chest eased, making it immediately easier to breathe. And by the time she made her way down the stairs and into the living room, Lexa felt like she could freely breathe again without the anxiety making her body practically vibrate. She took a deep breath and sat down on the couch; it was peaceful now, close to 2am so not only was everyone in the house asleep but most of the neighborhood was too. Lexa didn’t know what it was, but there was something very comforting and calm about being awake at hours like this, when it felt like the rest of the world was asleep and it was just her.

Now settled into the couch with a blanket, Lexa finally unlocked her phone and figured she should check her notifications. Not that there were too many of those, the couple of social media accounts she had were private, more for herself than anyone else and as a way of keeping in touch with the people she used to work with before she left her job. She didn’t get too many messages either way, there weren’t many people trying to get a hold of her so the only text Lexa could see in the Notification Center was from Clarke. It had been waiting for her since the morning, and Lexa hadn’t gotten so much as a chance to glance at it.

Clarke

9:51am

i can tell that you’re upset. you seem to have a lot going on right now with your parents being here and it just seems like you’re having a hard time. i know it feels like you are alone because you’re stuck at home with them but baby you’re not. i’m here for you okay. i’m just a text away

Clarke

10:19am

ok lexa look. i really like you and i care about you and you’re my girlfriend so i want to be there for you and support you when you’re clearly going through something. but i can’t do that if you keep me in the dark. this isn’t even the first time lexa. whenever you’re upset or having a bad day and i ask you what’s wrong you just shut down. and that doesn’t really work in a relationship because i WANT TO be there for you and i WANT TO help you but i can’t do that if i don’t know what’s going on. so please? let me in?

Her head fell into her free hand as she finished reading the texts, an aching in her chest as tears spilled past her closed eyes. It was all too much, it was too overwhelming, and she was too upset, and there was just too much going on that it finally hit boiling point. Lexa couldn’t hold it in anymore, there was Michael and her parents and all the little things she had to deal with every single day, then there was the conversation she had with her mom this morning that was still stuck in the back of her head to add to it all. And now, now these texts from Clarke was enough to make everything come pouring out.

It was hard to let her in, it was next to impossible for Lexa to let anyone in let alone Clarke. She spent her whole life having to suppress her emotions and hide what she was feeling. She was taught to not be a burden on other people by sharing her problems with them because she never had anyone who cared enough about her. Her parents never wanted to know, they treated her entire existence as a burden on them, as something they were plagued by every second of every day because having a daughter as…messed up as her was no short of a curse on the family.

And Clarke. Clarke wasn’t just anyone, Clarke was the woman she was having an affair with, she was the woman Lexa was cheating on her husband with an-

Fuck fuck fuck, what am I doing? What am I even doing with her? What is wrong with me?

She hadn’t put those words to their relationship yet. Lexa knew that is exactly what it was, it was an affair, she was cheating but Lexa refused to attach those words to what Clarke and her had. It was too good and too pure to be tarnished by being associated with words like that, that made it feel dirty and wrong. But that is what it was, that is what their relationship was, only Clarke didn’t know it. That made it harder to open up to Clarke about anything really. More than half the times she was upset or in a low mood, it was because of Michael – either because of something he said or something he did to her and she couldn’t talk to Clarke about it.

Lexa had told Clarke a little about her family, she figured it was one thing she could be truthful to her about. Or well, something she could be partially truthful about. Technically, Lexa could tell her everything about them, everything up until them setting her up with Michael and forcing her into marrying him. But she didn’t know how to. As everyone else put it, there was so much wrong with her, and opening up to someone would only show them exactly what those things were – making them leave. And she didn’t want to mess things up with Clarke, she really liked her, she wanted to be with her and she wanted to be able to be herself with her without fear but…that wasn’t something Lexa knew to do too well.

And before she knew it, Lexa was crying, her hand limp as it just barely held onto the phone and she let all the emotions pour out of her in sobs and tears. It hurt, it hurt all over, not from being beaten but it might as well be, and Lexa didn’t know what to do to make it stop. She didn’t want to mess things up with Clarke, she cared about her, she liked her, she liked being with her but Lexa couldn’t open up to her, couldn’t tell her everything without it ruining everything. Lexa wanted to be able to tell her the truth, wanted to be able to tell Clarke the whole story and what was going on with her and why she was so secretive but…she couldn’t.

The phone slipping out of her hand and falling onto the rug with a soft thud brought her out of her thoughts, her head coming up from her hand as she carelessly wiped her eyes and reached down to pick it up. Her vision was still blurry when she unlocked the phone and let her thumbs hover over the screen, thinking about her reply. She would give anything right now to be able to be truthful with Clarke, to be able to tell her the truth, to get all of this off her chest. But well, Lexa knew she couldn’t.

Lexa

1:56am

I’m sorry Clarke. I am so sorry about everything. I don’t want to shut you out, and I don’t want you to feel like you don’t know what’s going on with me. Things have just been really overwhelming at home right now and I don’t want to put all of that on you. It doesn’t feel fair for me to dump my problems on you. And that is all that this is, I’m not trying to shut you out I just don’t want to bother you with my problems.

She let out a long breath as she hit send; it was true, it was mostly true that that was why she didn’t talk to Clarke when she was upset. Her parents putting her in a bad mood wasn’t something Clarke needed to know, wasn’t something Clarke needed to deal with because these were Lexa’s problems, no one else needed to be bothered by them. And that stayed true for everything else really, not just her parents – of course in other cases, Lexa couldn’t really talk about Michael because that would give everything away. But she wanted to be as honest as she could be, and if Clarke wanted to know why she tended to push her away and close down when she was upset, Lexa could at least tell her her reasoning behind it.

Clarke

2:02am

Can you talk? Can I call you?

It was late after all, so Clarke figured it was only fair to ask before calling. Lexa might be in bed, her room might be next door to where her parents are sleeping, so she might not want to wake them up. But Clarke was really hoping Lexa would say yes, they hadn’t spoken in days and it felt like it was important to talk now. She understood where Lexa was coming from, she knew that a lot of people struggled with opening up when they were upset or going through something in fear of burdening the person they opened up to. But she wanted Lexa to know that wasn’t the case with her, that she wanted her to talk to her, that she wanted her to be able to open up and talk to Clarke because well, Clarke wanted to be able to support her, she wanted to be able to, at the very least, comfort her and she couldn’t do that if she didn’t know what was going on.

Lexa

2:05am

Yeah, I can talk.

Lexa took a steadying breath as she stood outside in the backyard, closing the back door softly behind her as she waited for Clarke to call. She wanted to hear her voice, wanted to speak to her, but she hadn’t been expecting Clarke to be awake right now, it was very late. But thankfully everyone in her house was asleep and Lexa could easily step away to the porch in the backyard to take her call, an extra step to ensure no one would hear her. Besides, it was nice out – with the blanket Lexa had wrapped around her shoulders that is, it was October after all – the fresh air felt nice, it was quiet and peaceful and being outside just…made it a little easier to breathe.

“Hi,”

Lexa heard as she answered the phone on the first ring, smiling to herself at just hearing Clarke’s voice. “Hi,”

Clarke had been worried about for days now, she knew Lexa was upset and just hearing her voice made her realize her concerns were valid. “Lexa are you okay?” She waited for Lexa to respond, hearing nothing but breathing from the other end for a long few seconds before finally hearing her sigh.

“It’s been a long week, Clarke.” Lexa finally answered, “And it’s only Wednesday.” Her voice was low, keeping it quiet in order to not disturb anyone. She just hoped that it sounded more steady than she felt.

“Yeah, you sound like it.” Clarke responded, her voice was scratchy and rough, like she had been crying – and if Clarke didn’t know any better, she would say there was a tremble. “Why are you still up baby, its late?”

“I couldn’t sleep.” Lexa answered before pausing for a beat. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” Clarke replied. “What’s going on with you? How are things at home?”

“I…am counting down till my parents leave.” Lexa told her honestly. “I have no idea how I lived with them for eighteen years.”

“You sound like you’ve been crying.” Clarke said carefully, not wanting to Lexa to recoil. “Are you okay?”

“Honestly?” Lexa asked, furrowing her brows as she thought about how best to tell Clarke what was going on, what she was feeling. “Not really.” She leaned back against the wall next to the door, “My mom is breathing down my neck every second of every day, my father is nitpicking every aspect of my life and I am,” Lexa let out a long deep breath, “So overwhelmed and so done with them Clarke.”

“I’m here for you, okay?” Clarke told her. “I know there’s not much I can do right now, or at least not until they leave and I can see you again but I am here for you.”

“I- I know.” Lexa nodded, suddenly a little flustered. “I just feel bad about it, I’m not really used to opening up about things I’m dealing with because I always feel like I’ll end up bothering whoever I’m talking to.”

“You won’t,” Clarke told her immediately. “You’re not going to bother me by opening up, babe. I want to know, I want to be able to help, I want to be able to be there for you.” She waited a moment, wanting her words to reach Lexa. “And I can only do that if you open up to me and talk to me.”

“I will,” Lexa agreed, before correcting herself. “I will do my best to, it’s not something I’m very good at.”

“That’s all I ask.” There was a hint of a smile in Clarke’s voice, wanting to tell Lexa that that was enough, that her wanting to try and make an effort was more than enough for her. “I don’t like seeing you upset and I don’t like being in the dark. I care about you, a lot, and that means I care about the things that make you upset because I want to make them all better.” Her tone was light, she was joking about the last part but she did wish she could. “I mean, I can’t, but I can pretend to at least.”

That made Lexa smile, suddenly feeling like a teenager with a crush as she found herself looking down at the ground and trying to calm the heat creeping up her cheeks. She was too old to be feeling like this, she was not in the right situation to be feeling like this either but there was something about Clarke that just had this effect on her. Maybe it was the fact that Clarke had just said she cared about her – a lot – or maybe it had to do with the fact that earlier she had called Lexa her girlfriend- Oh, right. “I have a question,” Lexa started, her tone a lot lighter now. She waited until Clarke hummed, asking for her to continue. “Did you refer to me as your girlfriend today?”

“I did.” Clarke nodded to herself. “Is that…is that okay with you?”

“It is,” Lexa answered with a smile, nervously chewing on her bottom lip. “I really liked it, actually.”

“Good. Because guess what?”

“What?”

“You’re my girlfriend.”

Lexa let out a small laugh at that, quiet and low and something that escaped her before she could stop it.

Clarke couldn’t help but smile as she heard her, happy that she could bring Lexa’s up, even if it was temporary. “You have the cutest laugh, Lex.”

Chapter Text

Clarke

10:56am

I have a half day at work today. When are your parents leaving?

She was unfortunately in the middle of a conversation with her parents when her phone buzzed with the text; Michael had left to go to work and her parents had brought up children yet again. Lexa was exasperated and annoyed because they had talked about this already, there was no point in bringing it up again, especially when both her and Michael agreed on this. And to make things worse, her face still hurt from last night, making it ache to even speak. It was because of Michael, of course it was, he punched her on the side of the face, harder than it had felt then because Lexa woke up with a nasty bruise on her cheek and jaw.

Lexa flipped her phone over on the kitchen counter as she looked back at her dad, holding back on the eye roll before replying. “Even Michael said he wasn’t ready for a baby yet.” She reminded him, her tone clearly annoyed despite her doing her best to keep it neutral. “We want to wait.”

“The longer you wait, the more time you have to fuck things up, Alexandria.” Titus replied, voice cold and harsh. “You can’t let him find out about your problems.”

“I don’t have those problems anymore, sir.” Lexa tried, she was still very desperately trying to convince her parents that she had worked through them and gotten past them and that being gay was just a phase, it really was the only way to get them off her back and stop harassing her about it. But truth be told, Lexa did think so herself too up until she met Clarke. She knew it wasn’t something that needed to be fixed, or something that anyone chose to be, but for herself at least, Lexa wished so badly that she could change and just be normal because it would make her life so much easier.

And after having dated Michael for a few months – then getting engaged, and married – Lexa thought she could leave all of that behind her, thought that she could just be the person her family always wanted her to be. It made sense after all, she was married, there would be no room for her to deter and be tempted by someone else – by a woman. So Lexa figured it was a part of her life she had moved on from. But then Clarke came along and Lexa…well, Lexa doesn’t really know what happened, just that she really liked her.

“Maybe you’re not acting on them, but after all the years and money we spent on you, you cannot be fixed.” Titus spat out. “And if you can’t hold on to Michael, there is no hope.”

“You need to make him stay,” Her mom added from her seat on the breakfast table. “You need something permanent. And that ring on your finger can very easily be taken off.”

“It’s not going to be.” Lexa tried, looking between the two of them. “He loves me.” It felt weird to say that, to hear herself say that even but it was true. “And I love him.” That felt even weirder to say, saying it out loud left a bad taste in her mouth. “This is all very permanent.”

Her arms came up as she finished, clearly exasperated. And Lexa regretted it the moment it happened because she knew she shouldn’t have. She shouldn’t have rolled her eyes or scoffed when she said it – hell, she shouldn’t have even said that last part in the tone she had. It wasn’t intentional, it just happened, maybe it was because she had been away from them for so long that Lexa almost lost control of the filter she needed when interacting with them. But that wasn’t really enough of an excuse because her dad was reminding her exactly what happened when she wasn’t careful with her words by wrapping his hand around her throat. “Don’t take that tone me, girl.”

Lexa’s eyes widened as she got backed up against the counter, feeling her dad’s firm hold on her. “I’m sorry,” She squeaked out, doing her best to talk past the pressure in her throat. “I didn’t mean t-” But she ended up wheezing instead, feeling Titus’ hand wrapping tighter around her, almost picking her up off of her feet. “Dad pl-”

“You don’t get to call me that,” Titus reminded her.

Lexa’s eyes teared up as she tried to breathe, gasping and wheezing and struggling against her father’s hold. She didn’t have anything else to say, and even if she did, Lexa didn’t think she would be able to get any words out. She could feel the seconds ticking by, her dad’s eyes locked into her’s as he kept his hand firmly around her throat, continuing to squeeze. It felt like her head was going to explode…or maybe she was going to pass out, Lexa wasn’t sure which yet. But all she knew was that her dad wasn’t going to stop until he had pushed her right up to the edge and there wasn’t anything she could do to make him stop.

“Can you breathe?” Titus asked calmly, Lexa’s hands coming up to grab his wrist and trying to remove it. He could see the way her eyes were bulging and how the tears were welling, there was only so much longer she could take it. “No?” Lexa shook her head as much as she could, doing her best to contain the panic. “Good.”

“Do you know what we want to see the next time we see you?” Nia asked as she calmly watched the two of them.

Lexa’s watery eyes turned to her mom, pleading to her wordlessly to make her father stop. There was panic in her eyes, and she couldn’t help but be surprised at how Nia could remain so calm in a situation like this.

“We want to see you pregnant.” Her mom answered for her. “That gives you…” She counted on her fingers, drawing it out as long as possible as she watched Titus strangle Lexa. “Over two months till you two come over for Christmas.”

“Do you think you can do that?” Titus asked this time, waiting until she nodded before letting go.

Lexa fell onto the floor on her knees, one hand coming to grasp at her throat as she coughed and the other going on the floor to hold herself up. Her chest hurt, her throat hurt, her head hurt and it felt like she couldn’t get enough air into her lungs. Her whole body felt weak and Lexa wasn’t sure she could get up from the floor right now or even anytime soon after having her blood flow and oxygen restricted for so long. Her hand moved from her throat to her chest, doing her best to take deep breaths but that was hard because she couldn’t stop coughing.

It took a good few minutes before Lexa managed to get up and sit back on the floor, slumping back against the cabinets behind her. She was still trying to catch her breath, her chest and her Lexa felt a little lightheaded, not sure what exactly she should do right now. Her parents seemed to have left, the kitchen without her even noticing and she was more than a little glad to be alone right now. She squeezed her eyes shut, hands coming up to rub her temple as her breathing finally started to steady; she had a splitting headache now and could not wait till the cab arrived to take her parents to the airport.

At least they were leaving today. At least she would have some sort of freedom back once they were gone, not to mention she would be able to see Clarke later too.

Taking another deep breath and opening her eyes, Lexa reached up on the counter, feeling around for her phone before grabbing it.

Lexa

11:23am

In about two hours. When do you get off work?

Clarke

11:24am

at 12

Clarke

11:24am

can i see you after they’re gone i miss you

Lexa

11:24am

Yes. I can’t wait to see you.

Lexa

11:25am

But can I meet you at your place? I don’t really feel like going out today.

Clarke

11:25am

yeah of course. i’ll see you soon

It was past 2pm by the time Lexa found herself standing in front of Clarke’s house. There were a few things that needed to be taken care of in the house after her parents had left because Lexa was planning on spending as much time as possible with Clarke, she didn’t want to have to return home an hour or two before Michael returned from work. Her parents were finally gone, she was finally getting to see Clarke, and if it was up to her Lexa would have liked to spend the night with her too, but she knew that wasn’t possible. Only today, Lexa didn’t have an excuse ready to explain why she had to leave and why she couldn’t stay over at her girlfriend’s after not having seen her for an entire week.

She was a little too tired and wound up right now to think of anything, and figured she’d come up with something when she needed to. All she knew right now was that she wanted to see Clarke, wanted to be with her, and well, just have some company to unwind and relax after the last few days. Clarke’s house was close enough, about ten minutes if you drove and close to forty minutes to walk; and any other given day Lexa would have probably chosen to walk because the weather was nice and the fresh air always made her feel better. But she was almost desperate to get there and didn’t want to take that long.

Lexa heard the door unlock about a minute after she had knocked, Clarke not bothering to ask who it was because she was expecting to see Lexa. The moment the door opened and she saw Clarke, Lexa felt like she could breathe a little easier, it felt like her problems and worries were already starting to fade away. But much like the first night she had come over, Clarke’s face fell the moment she saw Lexa’s. And really, she was expecting that – there was a very nasty red bruise on the side of her face and marks were starting to form on her neck too – at least this time she had something to tell Clarke.

“What happened to you?” Clarke exclaimed as she saw her, eyes wide as her hands came up but fell short of her face, almost like she was scared to touch her and hurt her further.

“Long story,” Lexa stated, her voice hoarse and cracking from having her dad strangle her.

“What’s wrong with your voice?” Clarke asked, concern evident in her eyes as she let her hand take Lexa’s instead.

“Also a long story.” She sighed, “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Clarke nodded, tearing her eyes away from her as she led her inside by the hand.

They walked in silence, Lexa trailing behind Clarke as she held her hand, quietly clearing her throat because it seemed to hurt more now than right after her dad had let go of her. They made their way into the living room, Clarke leading her to the couch and letting Lexa sit down. She wasn’t entirely sure what had happened, or what was wrong, or what Lexa had been dealing with the past few days. Clarke knew it wasn’t great, and she knew Lexa was having a hard time but she wasn’t expecting to see any physical marks on her girlfriend. It was unexpected, it made her realize for the first time just how bad things were between Lexa and her parents. Not to mention, it also answered a few questions Clarke had about some of the scars she had seen on her body.

She watched as Lexa slumped down onto the couch, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees before letting her head fall into her hands. She looked exhausted and upset and Clarke wanted to know what exactly had happened. It wasn’t a small bruise on her face, it wasn’t a light one either; it covered her left jaw and crept up her cheek too in an angry red – something that would change to blue and purple in a couple of days as it healed a little. And then there were the marks on her neck, much lighter, like they were still developing because it was a lot more recent; as well as Lexa’s voice being so hoarse and rough, making it seem like she had been strangled – but that can’t be the case surely, no one would do that to their daughter right?

Instead of saying anything, Clarke gave Lexa a moment, sitting down next to her instead and just letting her gather herself. She was breathing heavy, the rise and fall of her back with every breath deep and harsh, Clarke only placing her hand gingerly on her back and rubbing it slowly. So she waited, waited till Lexa was ready to talk, to tell her what had happened because Clarke was very concerned with the way she looked today. She didn’t want to rush her, wanted her to take her time and open up at her own pace.

But a couple of minutes passed when Clarke heard a sob interrupting the silence, watching as Lexa’s whole body shuddered. Before her mind could comprehend, Clarke was reaching forward, the hand on Lexa’s back going to gently grab her shoulder and bring her up to her instead.

“Come here,” She whispered quietly, bringing her up and closer to her, holding her to her chest as Lexa cried. “I got you.” Clarke didn’t say anything else, only held her against her, her arm around her shoulder and the other circling her front. Lexa was desperately trying to suppress the sobs that were trying to break free, her head going to rest on Clarke’s chest as she practically choked on the cries wanting to come out of her. She didn’t say anything, only waited, rubbing her hands over Lexa’s arm, wanting to comfort her and let her know she wasn’t alone without actually having to say it or without interrupting her.

A good few minutes passed, Clarke holding Lexa and letting her cry it out, letting her get all her emotions out because it seemed like they had been bottled up for a little too long. “What happened baby?” She spoke once Lexa had calmed down and stopped crying, keeping her voice soft and gentle.

Lexa didn’t bring herself up from Clarke’s chest, there was something very calming about being there, about hearing Clarke’s heart beating through her shirt that soothed her – the shirt that Lexa’s tears had soaked through at this point. But the crying had finally stopped, there weren’t any sobs left inside her, and Lexa just felt completely worn out. She just brought her hand up, clumsily wiping her eyes before answering. “My parents.”

“Your face?” Clarke asked carefully, not wanting to believe that her mom or dad would hit her hard enough to leave a mark like that.

Lexa nodded against her, “Yeah it was my dad.” That wasn’t true, it wasn’t her dad who had hit her last night but at least, Lexa figured, she could talk to Clarke about the bruise instead of her shutting her down. Besides, it didn’t matter whether it was her dad or Michael, it made her feel the same way regardless.

“And what happened to your voice?” Clarke questioned, it sounded strained and rough, like Lexa was struggling to speak.

“Also my dad,” Her voice cracked at the last word, making it come out in a squeak.

Clarke waited a moment, waiting for her to elaborate but Lexa didn’t seem to. “What…” She started uncertainly, a part of her maybe didn’t want to know what exactly had led to that. “…did he do?”

“He strangled me.” Lexa answered matter-of-factly.

“What?”

Lexa nodded against Clarke. “It wasn’t the first time, but I forgot how it felt.”

“Oh god, Lexa I am so sorry.” No, Clarke didn’t understand it, she didn’t understand how her parents could be like this. It was sad, it was incredibly sad; she knew Lexa had a bad relationship with her family but this was the first time Clarke saw a glimpse into exactly how bad it was. And the way Lexa said it, it was so casual, like she was used to this, like this wasn’t as horrifying to her as it was to anyone else who might be hearing this. To Clarke, that made it even sadder, because it meant that she was so used to it. “Hey,” She nudged at her to bring her face up and look at her, Clarke cupping her cheek as she came up, “Let me see.”

Lexa let Clarke guide her face up to look at her but refused to meet her gaze. She felt Clarke’s thumb brush against her jaw, tentatively and carefully, not wanting to put any sort of pressure on it to cause her any more pain.

“Does it hurt?” Clarke asked quietly, eyes scanning over the bruise and down her neck to where the skin was starting to darken in what looked like fingerprints.

Lexa nodded slowly, eyes finally moving up to meet Clarke’s. “Throat more than my face.” She admitted, before adding about her face. “This looks worse than it is but it hurts to talk.”

Clarke gave her a sad look, finally moving to get up. “I’ll make us some tea,” She explained as Lexa moved off of her, letting her get up. “It’ll feel good for your throat.”

“You don’t have to.” Lexa told her, “I’m fine Clarke, you don’t have to take the trouble.”

“It’s no trouble.” She waved it off. “It’s just tea. And I think I have an ice pack in the freezer, it’ll help with the bruise.”

Lexa sighed as she walked back inside her house, not having wanted to leave Clarke’s but not having a choice but to. At least she got to spend the entire day and most of the night with her too. Michael had texted her around 3pm, telling her that he was going out with his friends after work and that he wouldn’t be back until at least midnight. It was a night out with his friends, saying he needed it after the long week they had had, and if anything he seemed like he was looking forward to it. Lexa was too, because it meant she could spend more time at Clarke’s. He even asked her to not wait up for him, saying he’d have dinner with them so she didn’t need to bother leaving dinner out for her.

But Lexa decided to make him something to eat just to be safe. So she made a beeline for the kitchen, grabbing a plate and gathering the ingredients she needed to make him a sandwich in case he was hungry when he got back. Lexa just didn’t want to give him an excuse to be angry – he was very temperamental and unpredictable when under the influence of alcohol. With the sandwich made – cut in half diagonally, and with the crusts cut off – Lexa wrapped the plate in cling wrap and even left him a post-it note, reading In case you’re hungry ♡ before heading upstairs to go to bed.

She fell asleep almost immediately, her body felt blissfully relaxed and her mind a lot lighter than it was the last time she was in her bedroom. Clarke had that effect on her – both on her body and mind – it seemed; they had ended up upstairs in Clarke’s bed for the later part of the evening, her telling Lexa she wanted to make her feel better and ease her mind for at least a little while. And she managed to do just that, for the time they were together Lexa wasn’t thinking about anything else, just Clarke and her and how good Clarke made her feel. So getting into bed after changing, Lexa could feel herself drifting off in a matter of minutes, knowing that she would finally get a good night’s sleep.

And it really was, the couple of hours she got to sleep at least was. Lexa wasn’t sure exactly what the time was when she heard the front door unlock but it couldn’t have been more than a few hours. Michael did say it would be past midnight by the time he got back home but Lexa didn’t want him to know she was awake, it tended to be easier if she was just asleep and out of his way when he had been drinking. So Lexa closed her eyes again, keeping her body rigid and unmoving, not wanting to give him even the slightest doubt that she might be awake.

It seemed to work, Michael came upstairs a good few minutes later, Lexa hearing as he got out of his work clothes and made his way into bed under the covers. It made her heart beat a little faster when she felt him against her back, a little too close for her liking. She had her back facing his side and Michael was more or less on her side of the side, his arm going around her waist a little clumsily and falling on her like a brick. There was no warmth or affection in his actions, it was nothing more than just physical movements and Lexa had to count her breaths to keep herself calm. She didn’t like it when he got too close to her, the closer he was, the more likely it was for her to get hurt. Lexa could feel his breath on her and smell the alcohol too. He had been drinking quite a lot tonight from what she could tell and these were the type of nights she dreaded the most because Michael was just that volatile.

Just as Lexa thought she was off the hook tonight and felt herself relax, she felt a very unpleasant motion behind her. It was almost like Michael was humping her ass, his hand around her waist tightening slightly to hold her close to his body. Lexa felt her blood run cold as his movement picked up; she had a good night with Clarke, she was hoping she could ride that high, so to speak, until the morning but there was nothing she hated quite as much as Michael touching her like that. If anything, if she had to choose, she would much rather he hit her than fuck her.

“Alexandria,” Michael spoke after a minute, Lexa not responding because she didn’t want him to know she was awake. “Hey,” His arm cave away from around her, using it to tap the fabric of her pajamas. “Wake up, take this off.” Surprisingly enough, his words weren’t slurring, he wasn’t black out drunk because otherwise he might as well have fallen asleep on the couch before making it up to the bedroom.

Lexa continued ignoring him, wanting him to just let it go, hoping that he would if she kept still and quiet. But he was relentless, humping her like an animal in heat and if she didn’t know any better, Lexa would say he was hard, his cock was digging into her cheeks right now.

“Alexandria.” He called out again, hooking a finger on her elastic of the waistband and tugging at it to take care of it herself. “Wake up.”

“Michael,” Lexa finally stirred, feeling like she needed to do something to at least try and stop him. Not that there was much point to it, her saying no wouldn’t do any good because Michael was her husband after all – she said yes to everything when she said I do at the altar. He didn’t care if she protested either, he didn’t care if Lexa wasn’t in the mood or was very clearly saying no. She did the first couple of times, resisted and tried to say no but it didn’t end well, if anything it was worse that way, fighting him didn’t help and it only…hurt more. “Sweetheart I’m half asleep right now.”

“So?”

“Tomorrow, please?” Lexa tried. “I’m really tired. I won’t be of much help to you right now.”

“Doesn’t matter,” He dismissed it. “Just take your pants off, you don’t have to do anything else.” Michael sighed, exasperated as he dug his fingers into her side. “Come on, I need this.”

What you need is a fleshlight. But instead of saying that, Lexa just sighed and did as asked, lifting her hips up enough to pull her pants down. She barely gets the fabric off of her before Michael is pulling her towards him, lining himself to her. “Wait, wait.” Lexa stopped him, pushing herself up on her elbow and reaching into the nightstand’s drawer. “Use the lube,” She said as she grabbed the small tube and handed it to him. “Please.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Michael took it from her and flipped the cap, his other hand lightly pushing at Lexa’s shoulder to face her away from him. “You just,” He started as he squeezed some of the liquid onto his hand. “Do whatever you were doing, it doesn’t matter I’ll do all the work.”

Chapter Text

Clarke let out a sigh as she walked out the front door, it was still early for a Sunday morning, too early to be seeing anyone that wasn’t her friends. She had to reschedule their weekly brunch because Clarke had promised her mom that she would drop by the church today. But the service started at nine and that meant Clarke had to be up around the same time as she did when she had work and according to her, that was absolutely outrageous. She hadn’t been in a while though, and Clarke was hoping to get out of it today as well but her mom let her know earlier in the week that her car was going in the shop so she would need a ride.

Which, unfortunately, meant Clarke had to wake up even earlier.

It was a short drive to Abby’s place, Clarke finally feeling like she was waking up as she sipped on her second mug of coffee. This had been a common practice since high school as far as she could remember, Clarke would have a mug of coffee straight after waking up while getting ready to leave and then taking another with her for the ride to wherever she was going. It didn’t extend to her weekends most of the time but it did when she had to be up before at least 10am. So pulling up to her mom’s driveway, Clarke took another sip of the still too-hot liquid and got her phone out to send a text letting Abby know she had arrived.

Abby was out the door in under a minute, no doubt having been ready to leave at least ten minutes ago so she could get to church early enough to snag a seat at the front. But Clarke had timed the morning perfectly, perfectly according to herself, so that they wouldn’t be late – meaning, they would make it there just in time before the service started. Abby wasn’t too happy about that, exasperated as she got in the car, telling Clarke that they were going to be late because being five minutes early is the same thing as being late Clarke.

And she was right, by the time they had parked and gotten inside the building, most of the seats were taken, save for a couple of rows near the back. But Abby seemed to spot one of her friends waving at her to tell her she had saved her a seat.

“Go,” Clarke told her with a smile, “I’ll seat here.”

“I don’t want to leave you all alone.” Abby tried.

“Please mom,” She rolled her eyes. “I’ve known most of these people since before I could talk, you’re not leaving me alone.”

With a nod, Abby walked away to the front, Clarke smiling lightly as she went for one of the pews a little past halfway to the back. She was right about knowing practically everyone here, she hadn’t even sat down before people around her were greeting her, asking how she had been – and an elderly couple asking how come she hadn’t been here since the Easter service. Thankfully though, before she could be interrogated and reminded of the consequences of not coming to church by a very well-meaning Mrs. Judy Moore, reverend Gustus Nelson stepped up to the podium and cleared his throat to get everyone’s attention.

Clarke relaxed subconsciously as he began to speak, there was something oddly comforting about Rev. Nelson. He had been the reverend at this church for as long as she could remember – but her parents had mentioned there being someone before him when Clarke was far too young to remember, and that they preferred Rev. Nelson to them. His wife Indra was a reverend too, and in the earlier days they both split the sermons and services but after a few years, Indra took a step back as she got busy with their children and took the lead on more community focused projects. Every now and then she would still lead a service, but it tended to be if Gustus couldn’t make it for one reason or another.

Clarke knew them both well enough, they were significant pillars of their community and not just in relation to the church. Indra did a lot of work with schools and charities on top of the work she still did with the church, her number one priority was bettering the community for every one of its members. And Gustus supported her in everything she did, providing his support in faith to whomever might need it. No one had a single bad thing to say about either of them, they were warm and helpful, prepared to go the extra mile to help even just one person let alone the whole community.

As the minutes ticked by, Clarke found herself stifling numerous yawns, asking herself how she managed to sit through this every week for years on end. It was just so long and so boring despite how captivating Reverend Nelson could be; Clarke was certain she would have fallen asleep if it was anyone else delivering the sermon. About halfway through, Clarke realized what a mistake it was to have had two mugs of coffee right before this, and as the seconds passed by, she regretted it more and more, feeling like her bladder was going to burst. It wouldn’t be polite to get up and go to the bathroom now, she wasn’t right by the edge of the pew and she didn’t want to draw attention from the front either, so all Clarke could do was wait in increasing discomfort as she counted down to the end of the service.

The moment it finished, Clarke was bolting up from her seat and practically running to the bathrooms. It was torturous to have waited this long but thankfully she had gotten there before anyone else so there wasn’t a queue to get into the stalls. She probably had everyone looking at her as she ran to the other side of the hall but Clarke really couldn’t care; it she waited any longer, she wasn’t sure she would have survived.

Clarke took a moment after drying her hands, taking a look at herself in the mirror and fixing her hair before returning. Everyone was out of their seats by now, people tended to socialize and catch up with one another once the service ended, no one being in a rush to leave for around an hour after it finished. Clarke was under the impression that other people left church as soon as the service was over, the moment the doors could be opened, but everyone at her church – if she could even call it her’s anymore – was happy to be here, to be around their friends and neighbors and spend time with them.

Scanning the large room, Clarke spotted her mom near the front but before she could go up to see her, she saw Indra approaching her. “Hi,” She beamed at the older woman, the two of them hugging in greeting.

“I haven’t seen you in a while.” Indra told her.

“I know, I know, I’ve been terrible.” Clarke said apologetically, her mouth running on autopilot after the questions from earlier.

But Indra waved her off, “You’re a grown woman, you practice your faith however you want to sweetheart.” She gave her a warm smile. “Oh, someone’s calling me,” She looked over Clarke shoulder at someone waving her over from the other side. “But hey,” Indra added as she stepped away. “It was really nice to see you, make sure you say hi to Gustus before leaving.”

“I will,” Clarke nodded, “It was really nice to see you too.”

With another smile, the two of them walked away, Indra towards whoever was looking for her and Clarke towards her mom at the front of the room. It looked like Abby was in the middle of a conversation with someone, a couple and…this was the first time she actually remembered that there was a new couple at the church that her mom wanted her to meet. Well, that was the main reason she was here today after all but somehow Clarke had managed to forget about it completely. So letting out a sigh and rolling her eyes at herself, she made her way to Abby.

Abby was facing the direction Clarke was walking from, the couple across from her as they spoke. Clarke didn’t know them, this would be the first time she would meet them but for some reason the woman looked a little familiar. But before she could wonder about it, her mom was calling her over.

“Honey, over here,” Abby said, “Come meet the Thompsons.”

With a smile, she approached the three of them, her step faltering the moment the two of them turned around to look at her. Her breath hitched and eyes slightly widened, feeling like the earth under her was falling away as she saw the woman.

It was Lexa.

“Everything okay?” Abby asked when Clarke froze.

“Hmm?” Her eyes darted from Lexa to her mom, quickly nodding. “Yeah, yeah.”

Lexa’s face fell as her eyes met Clarke’s, the blood draining from her cheeks and leaving her pale and, frankly, terrified. It was stupid to think that this wouldn’t happen but she hadn’t expected Clarke to find out like this. All she could hope for was that Clarke wouldn’t say anything right now. But Lexa couldn’t say anything, couldn’t even let anyone know that she knew who this woman was. So the best Lexa could do was throw her a pleading look, silently asking – begging – her to not say anything. And hopefully, Clarke would catch onto what she was trying to say.

“This is my daughter, Clarke.” Abby introduced before anything else could have happened.

“Nice to meet you ma’am,” Michael said with a bright smile, holding his hand out for Clarke. “Michael.”

“Hi,” Clarke breathed out as she shook his hand, needing to force the word out. “And please, call me Clarke.”

He gave a short nod, “This is my wife Alexandria.”

Clarke swallowed the lump in her throat, “Alexandria,” The name sounded foreign to her, much less familiar than Lexa did on her tongue. She held her hand out regardless, pretending to, at the best of her abilities, that she didn’t have her head between Alexandria’s legs just last night. Well, maybe she wasn’t pretending because Clarke sure as hell didn’t know who Alexandria Thompson was. “Nice to meet you.”

She didn’t know what else to say, didn’t know how else to react because on the inside Clarke wanted to scream at her and ask what the hell was going on. A part of her did want to ask, did want to straight up ask Lexa what this was, what they were doing if she was here with her husband, if she was married. But there was something in the way Lexa looked at her, something well past the pleading in her eyes, it looked desperate and sad and well, Clarke figured she could keep her mouth shut until they were at least in private. After all, she didn’t want to tell on her to her husband – regardless of her moral compass telling her he deserved to know. So instead, she gave Lexa the smallest of nod, shaking her hand like she was meeting a stranger for the first time.

“I’ll be right back.” Abby said, spotting someone she wanted to say hi to. “You guys talk.”

“It’s nice to meet you guys.” Clarke said with a polite smile, doing her best to put on a convincing front as her mom stepped away. “So you’re new at the church?”

Michael nodded, “Yes, new in town actually. We looked at some of the churches in the neighborhood and this one was just perfect.” He told her, Lexa only standing silently next to him like the dutiful wife. “We felt like part of the community from day one, everyone has been amazing.” Michael turned his head to look at Lexa, “Isn’t that right honey?”

Lexa nodded, “Oh yeah, everyone has been so welcoming.”

“We’ve met your mom many times, she was one of the first people to welcome us into the church.” Michael told her.

“Yeah, she told me to come down to meet you guys.” Clarke told him, “I don’t come to church nearly as much as my mom would like but hey, I’m here now.”

“Hopefully we will see you around though,” He added with a smile. “I’ve met people through work and have found people to spend time outside the house with but Alexandria doesn’t really know anyone around here.” Michael just…sounded like a caring husband, Clarke couldn’t quite see why Lexa would go ahead and cheat on him. “And your mom said you work at the art museum?”

Clarke nodded, “Yeah, I’m the curator there.”

“My wife is very into all of that.” Michael told her. “It all just goes over head,” He made a motion with his hand, speaking lightly. “But it makes her happy. It would be nice if she had a friend here or at least knew someone with similar interests.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Clarke nodded enthusiastically. “That would be great, my friends aren’t big on art either,” She looked between the two in front of her as she spoke. “So I will take any opportunity to talk shop.” Clarke turned her eyes to Lexa this time, “We have some really nice pieces that aren’t out on the floor yet, I could give you a little look behind the scenes.” Her tone was light and casual, but a bitterness there too that only Lexa picked up on because Clarke had already done that, they had their first kiss behind the scenes.

“That sounds lovely Clarke.” Lexa finally spoke, thanking her for more than just the offer to be shown around the museum. “Thank you.”

“I can’t think of anything she’d want to do more than that.” Michael joked, lovingly nudging his wife.

Clarke felt bad. she felt truly awful because Michael seemed like a genuinely nice person. He looked like he cared about his wife, like he was just looking to do something nice for her. Not to mention, he was good looking too; well put together, nicely dressed, not a hair out of place, why in hell would Lexa cheat on him? “We should all get together sometime.” She blurted out before she could stop herself. “I would love to get to know you both, help you branch out and show you some nice spots in town.”

“That sounds perfect,” Michael nodded, his tone grateful. “And me and Alexandria would love to have you over for dinner sometime.”

What the fuck? What the actual fuck was that? Clarke couldn’t help but question yet again as she finally returned home later that evening. She had gone off to meet her friends and just keep herself busy and occupied after the debacle at the church. Okay, it wasn’t technically a debacle, given that nothing actually happened, it would have been a debacle if Clarke had spoken her mind and made a scene. Which, if you asked her, would have been completely justified.

She didn’t want to think about it though, she hadn’t wanted to let her thoughts take over and put her in a dark place. That’s why Clarke had called up Raven and Octavia, both of them free at the moment and more than happy to meet with their best friend to spend their Sunday together. Clarke didn’t tell them what had happened, hadn’t even told them about Lexa yet. As much as she loved her friends, they were nosey and liked to be very invested in each other’s love lives. So Clarke had a rule where she only told them about the person she was dating after they had been together for a month.

As distracting as the entire day had been, she was back home now with nothing else to focus her mind on but Lexa. She didn’t even want to; there were at least a dozen texts on her phone from Lexa that Clarke hadn’t so much as looked at, muting the other woman’s notifications halfway through the day. Clarke didn’t care about what she had to say, whatever excuses she had made up, or reasons she had to justified what she did to Clarke. None of it mattered, because there was nothing Clarke could imagine being a good enough reason to lie to the person she claimed to care for about something as big as this.

And what about Michael? Clarke couldn’t help but think about him, think about how hurt he would be if he found out what his wife had done. She didn’t know him much but from the brief interaction she had today all Clarke felt was guilt because he seemed like a genuine person who cared deeply for his spouse.

Okay fine, right now Clarke didn’t care about him all that much either. She was hurt and she was angry and despite her best efforts, all she could think about was herself and how she had been betrayed. She liked Lexa, she liked her a lot, it had felt like what they had was very real but to find out like this that it was all just based on a lie…Clarke didn’t quite know what to do with herself. Clarke was sure this was leading to something, that what her and Lexa had was much deeper than a casual fling, it felt real. And now to find out that all Clarke was to her was a dirty little secret, well, it made her angry.

She was overcome by emotions, letting out a frustrated groan that had Catra meow at her very annoyedly and walk out of the living room. Rolling her eyes at the cat, and very dramatically proclaiming, “Yes, leave me too.” Clarke fell back onto the couch.

Clarke sat in silence for a minute, trying to gather her thoughts and calm herself but all she could hear was a ringing in her ears and feel a blinding rage within her. Yes, her and Lexa hadn’t been together that long, they hadn’t even known each other that long but Clarke felt like she knew her, felt like they had connected. She really believed Lexa cared about her, believed that she genuinely liked her. And worst of all, Clarke was starting to believe that there might have been a future for the two of them. But no, apparently all she was to Lexa was a mistress, a way to pass the time, something to make her possibly very boring marriage a little more interesting.

And that’s when it hit her, she cared about Lexa. She cared about her a lot more than she had originally thought. Clarke knew she liked her, knew she was happy with her, but now, now being faced with something like this, Clarke realized just how much Lexa already meant to her. There was something different about her, something different about the way she made her feel, something different about the way Clarke felt when with her. It wasn’t like anything she had ever felt before, it was like no other relationship she had had in the past after only about a week. Her feelings ran much deeper than Clarke had originally anticipated. And well, it scared her; it would have even if Lexa was telling the truth about herself.

But it was all a lie. It meant nothing to her. It couldn’t have. If it did, Lexa wouldn’t have lied to Clarke, not like this.

It all made sense now; why she couldn’t stay over at night with Clarke, why she never invited Clarke over to her home, why she wasn’t available on the weekends or evenings. Lexa couldn’t do any of that because she had to go home to her husband. She couldn’t give all of herself to Clarke because she was never Clarke’s to begin with, she was nothing more than a pass time, a secret, something to add a little excitement to her boring everyday. Clarke never meant anything to her, and that’s what hurt the most, Clarke was prepared to give all of her to Lexa, and she hadn’t even realized it until this moment, until the moment where everything fell apart.

Swallowing the lump in her throat and ignoring the tear streaks on her cheeks, Clarke brought up her phone and unlocked it. There were numerous texts from Lexa spanning the entirety of the day; apologizing to her, asking her to let her explain, and everything else she could say to get a reply from Clarke.

Just as she finished reading through them, her hands trembling out of anger more than anything, another text popped through.

Lexa

11:07pm

Please say something.

Clarke

11:07pm

go fuck yourself alexandria

Chapter Text

Waking up in the morning, Lexa didn’t feel any better, if anything she felt much worse. Angrier, actually, at herself; she was angry for letting this happen, for letting herself get wrapped up in this little fantasy world with Clarke. That wasn’t her life, that wasn’t her reality; in reality she was a married woman, married to a man she didn’t love, a man who treated her exactly the way she deserved. Maybe her parents were right, maybe they knew what they were doing when they got her married to him, maybe this is what was best for her. After all, it didn’t feel like there was any good in her, if she could lie to someone she cared about so deeply, if she could hurt someone the way she had Clarke, how could there be anything good about her.

“Where’s breakfast?”

Lexa heard the question come from behind her, bringing her out of her thoughts. She was sitting on the breakfast table with her head leaning on her hand. She brought her head up slowly to find Michael, he was dressed now standing on the entryway to the kitchen looking at her expectedly. Lexa had gotten out of bed a little later than normal, waking up and just lying in bed staring at the ceiling with no motivation of getting up. There was no point; if Michael got angry at her, he would, today Lexa couldn’t care. So she looked up at him slowly, looking nothing short of exhausted and tired, “I didn’t make it.”

“Excuse me?” Michael narrowed his eyes, taken aback by her answer. “I have to leave for work, where’s my food?”

“Why don’t you make it yourself for once?” Lexa wasn’t thinking straight, she wasn’t in the right state of mind to be dealing with Michael because if she had been, she would never have said that. And she almost regretted it when she felt her husband grabbing a fistful of her hair and yanking her head back.

“What did you just say to me?” He hissed next to her ear, his face dangerously close to her’s.

“I said,” Lexa spoke past gritted teeth, neck straining due to the way he was holding her hair back. “Make your breakfast yourself.” She couldn’t move her head to look at him, only turning her eyes as much as possible to glare at Michael. “You’re a grown man.”

“Feeling brave today, Alexandria?” He asked her in a threatening growl, tightening his grip on her hair, pulling back a little harder. Michael didn’t give her a chance to respond, letting a beat of silence pass before suddenly slamming her head down onto the table. “Don’t get smart with me.” Michael said as he pulled her head back up, just enough so Lexa was upright.

“Someone in this house has to be, right?” Lexa spoke past the pain, her forehead and nose had hit the wooden surface the hardest, and it felt like she had ended up biting her lower lip in the impact.

Michael let out a laugh, low and quiet, and if Lexa wasn’t feeling whatever she was right now to make her act like this, she would have been terrified. He didn’t know where this was coming from, it wasn’t like her to talk back to him let alone make comments like this. “I think I’m going to be late for work today.” Michael said as he pulled her up from the chair by her hair, jerking her up to her feet and towards him. “But it’s a little more important to show my wife how to talk to her husband.”

This wasn’t like Lexa, she didn’t do this, she didn’t talk back to him let alone provoke him. Lexa couldn’t remember the last time she did this but even then, she knew it had happened at least once or twice before. Most of the time though, Lexa knew what to say, how to act, how to do the right things to make sure she didn’t anger Michael. But right now all Lexa could think about was how she deserved this, she was full of shame and guilt over what happened with Clarke and right now, she felt like she needed to atone for it. But she wasn’t entirely sure whether it was because of the fact that she had cheated on Michael, or because she had lied to Clarke.

And maybe her provoking Michael right now was her way of getting punished for that. This way he would get to…do what he was doing to her, and Lexa would feel like she had atoned for her little fuck up. He would have done the same if he knew what she had done, and to Lexa, in some way, this felt like the right thing to do. She felt like she had the responsibility to let Michael punish her – even if he didn’t know what exactly it was for – after all, that is what she deserved after what she did. It didn’t matter that Lexa didn’t love Michael, she was still married to him, he was her husband which meant there were certain duties she had towards him, certain things she had made a vow to do. And going ahead with what she did with Clarke, that crossed every single line. So the only way Lexa could feel like she had repented for it, was by letting Michael reprimand her.

There was blood dripping from her nose and lip from the impact on the breakfast table when Michael punched her in the stomach, effectively knocking all the air of her. It made Lexa double over in pain, biting her tongue and not giving him the satisfaction of her crying out. But she didn’t have a chance to recover before Michael was yanking her up by the arm only to hit her across the face.

“I think you woke up on the wrong side of the bed today,” Michael had his hand grabbing either sides of Lexa’s cheeks, squeezing as he forced her to look up at him. “Look at me,” He squeezed a little harder, waiting until she turned her eyes up to meet his. “Apologize.”

“For what?” Lexa spat out, letting her tongue run over her lower lip and tasting blood.

“Smartass,” Michael let go of her, not letting even a second pass before slapping her with the back of his hand. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you today sweetheart, but I don’t tolerate shit like this.” Instead of hitting her this time, Michael wrapped his hand around Lexa’s wrist, twisting her arm until he felt resistance. “You’re my wife,” He reminded her, pushing a little more until he saw her wince at the pain. “I am your husband. There is a certain way you are meant to speak to me.” He twisted it further, waiting until Lexa yelped in pain and then held her arm there. “And there are certain things I expect you to do for me.”

Michael refused to stop beating her until Lexa apologized, and Lexa didn’t want to until she felt like she had gotten what she had deserved. Not to mention, she didn’t want to apologize to him, she didn’t say anything incorrect. He was a grown man after all, making breakfast wasn’t that difficult, and even if he didn’t want to cook, making a bowl of cereal didn’t require any effort or skill.

But within the next few minutes, Lexa was on the kitchen floor, the blood still dripping out of her nose and lip, possibly from the corner of her mouth now too as Michael kicked the side of her ribs once again.

“I’m sorry!” Lexa finally cried out, tears making a mess on her face as it ran into the droplets of blood too. “Michael I’m sorry,” She tried again, calling out past the pain. “Please stop, I’m sorry.”

Michael clenched his jaw, towering over her as he breathed deeply to calm his own nerves. “Stupid bitch.” He muttered under his breath, spitting down on the woman curled onto the floor before walking away.

Lexa watched as he left the kitchen, arms going around herself to clutch at her stomach in pain as she eventually heard the front door open and close. He was gone, Michael had finally left for work and Lexa found herself breathing easy. Well, as easy as she could given the pain in her ribs from that last kick. But at least he was gone, she was alone now and in some twisted way, Lexa felt relieved, felt like a weight had been taken off of her. Like she had atoned for her mistakes, been punished for something Michael didn’t even know he was punishing her for.

But she was in pain now; Lexa unsure which was worse, the blows to her torso and chest, her arm from being twisted, or her face from both the strikes and from the impact on the table. What she knew was that she needed to get up and get herself cleaned, wash the blood off, and ice her ribs and shoulder. But Lexa couldn’t get herself to get up, couldn’t so much as move let along stand upright as the sobs broke out of her. It hurt, every part of her hurt but at least now it was a physical pain – and it drowned out the emotional turmoil. The pain almost felt peaceful, comforting in some messed up way, in a way that Lexa didn’t even understand but it brought her some sort of relief.

As she laid on the floor, curled into herself, crying in pain, it almost felt like she had made up for what she had done; for lying to Clarke, for cheating on Michael, for having an affair and breaking her marriage vows. It felt like she had made up for it, and it made her feel a little less guilty for her actions.

For now at least, Lexa didn’t know how long that feeling would last.

She was not in the mood for this today. Clarke was well past being upset and now had moved onto just blinding rage. She was angry, she was no short of livid at Lexa for what had happened, for how much she had lied to her, for the things she had lied to her about. But Clarke needed to put on her best face and be on her best behavior because she was going to see Simone Lightbourne today for a piece that had come into their possession that Clarke needed to talk the family into selling to the museum. So she couldn’t show how irritated she still was, couldn’t be as aggravated as she was all morning, the Lightbournes liked her and if anyone could acquire this painting, it was her.

Clarke didn’t know where the painting really came from, just that there was word about the Lightbournes finding it when remodeling an old family property out of town. A lot of the things she had gotten from them for the museum had questionable stories as to how they came to be, but they were all authentic, they were all originals, and Clarke figured there was no need to question good things. And she wanted this new one for the museum, wanted to add it to the small collection she was growing for the newest wing that was still in progress. She would need to sweet talk them and, unfortunately, offer a fat check in return for it, but Clarke was determined.  

As far as everyone knew, the Lightbournes had been living in Sanctum for as far back as the town’s history went. Back then, Sanctum was a small village on its own terms on the outskirts of Arkadia. But as the town expanded, Sanctum came to become a part Arkadia instead. It was the more…expensive part of town, the part of town that still felt like its own space with its own community that didn’t like to mix with the others. Anyone not from Sanctum, anyone who’s family hadn’t been living in Sanctum for generations was basically seen as an outsider. Not only that, but they didn’t care much about the rest of town – the Lightbourne’s included – most of them couldn’t care less about the people it seemed, caught up in only their own families and their own community of the uber rich and powerful.

It was a short lunch with Simone Lightbourne, her surprisingly asking for a fair price for the painting – but asking Clarke to remember this when they came by to book the museum’s main hall for their fundraiser next month. There was always a catch with them but Clarke was more than happy to oblige, telling her that that sounded fair and she would be over in a couple of days to pick up the artwork after the Lightbournes had it fixed up and restored. It was in good enough condition from what Clarke knew, but it would still need some work to bring it up to par with the rest of the collection at the museum. Consequentially, the current condition would knock down the value of it quite a bit too, something the Lightbournes did not want, so they were looking to get it fixed before it was appraised for the museum.

Returning to her office with yet another cup of coffee, Clarke slumped down into her chair and closed her eyes for a moment. She had lost count of how many coffees she had had already; she didn’t get much sleep last night, staying awake most of the night with her mind flooded with thoughts of Lexa, of the two of them, their relationship…and how she lied to her. Of course she hadn’t gotten over it, it would take time, it would take a lot more than just one night to get over something like that. What her and Lexa had was special, at least it was to her, she had no way of knowing whether it was to Lexa or not – probably not if she could lie to her like that. Hell, Clarke didn’t know how to even start getting over what Lexa did to her.

There was a knock on the door a couple of minutes later, followed by a voice she did not recognize immediately, “Clarke?”

“Yeah,” Clarke opened her eyes, sitting up straight as she looked towards the door. “Luna, hey, what’s up?”

“Are you busy?” Luna asked uncertainly, “Because it’s not work related.”

“Not busy,” Clarke told her. “What’s going on, everything okay?”

“It’s about Raven.” Luna started. “Things have been a little rocky with us lately and no one knows her as well as you d-”

“Oh, sorry.” Clarke interrupted, the Apple Watch on her wrist vibrating and letting her know she had a phone call coming. Saved by the fucking bell, She silently thanked whatever god made Russell Lightbourne call her right now. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to talk to Luna, it was just that Clarke wasn’t in the mood or even in the right headspace to talk about anyone’s relationship now when she was feeling like this about her own love life. “It’s the Lightbournes, I have to take this, I’m so sorry Luna.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Luna nodded, about to walk away. “We’ll talk later?”

“Yeah,” Clarke told her with a smile, Luna leaving the office before Clarke answered the call. She liked Luna, she really did, and she cared about her and Raven’s relationship because her best friends were very important to her. But right now, given everything going on with her, Clarke did not want to hear about someone else’s relationship or whatever problems they might be having. Given any other circumstance, Clarke would be more than happy to talk to Luna about it, to help her out anyway she could. But right now, with the absolute mess she was in with Lexa, Clarke couldn’t imagine a worse way to spend her time than by helping fix another relationship. “Mr. Lightbourne, you have incredible timing. How can I help?”

Lexa had finally mustered up the strength enough to push past the pain and get herself off the couch. She was in a lot of pain after this morning, more than she had been in a very long time – yes, this wasn’t new for her, the men in her life mistook her for a punching bag quite often but Lexa couldn’t really remember the last time it had been this bad. She had gotten very good at pain management over the years though, it was unfortunate that she had to but if Lexa was looking for a silver lining to all of this, this was it.

Painkillers and ice, that’s what Lexa knew she needed.

There was always one form or another of ibuprofen in the house, that was Lexa’s painkiller of choice but with how things were today, it wasn’t doing anything to give her any relief. She either needed to get some paracetamol to take with it or something entirely different that would be stronger. Not only that but someone – most likely her husband – had, for some reason, taken the cold pack out of the fridge, which meant Lexa didn’t have the relief of a cold compress to help with the pain. She had been using another bag of frozen vegetables but there was only so long that held onto its temperature.

So right now Lexa was getting dressed, doing her best to cover up the bruises on her body and face – to some extent – so she could walk down to the pharmacy without drawing attention. Yes, chances are the pharmacist would ask what had happened, she needed to ask them what she could take for the pain, but Lexa had a cover story in place and that would be good enough.

The walk to the pharmacy was around fifteen minutes, it was quiet around, it being the middle of the day on a Monday, Lexa was grateful for the fact that she only saw a handful of people on her way there. It was usually nice to get out of the house for a little fresh air, but it was quite windy today and every gust against her face felt like razor blades. Her skin was sensitive from the numerous hits she took to it, her bottom lip had a very clear cut on it and so did her left cheek. And every time the cold air touched her, Lexa couldn’t help but grimace in pain. Her whole body ached, every step was a struggle, and Lexa had to make a conscious effort to do her best to make the limp in her step seem a little more subtle. Michael was a big strong guy, even one well-placed strike was enough to have Lexa gasping for air, so after the beating she took this morning, Lexa wasn’t entirely sure how she was even upright now.

Reaching the pharmacy, Lexa went straight for the queue to see the pharmacist, her head down and eyes on the floor to keep anyone from seeing the bruises on her face as she patiently waited. There weren’t too many people here, only two in front of her and less than a handful in the entire store.

“Hi, how can I help you?” The woman behind the counter greeted Lexa.

“Hi,” Lexa mustered a polite smile and looked up at her, “What’s the strongest painkiller I can get over the counter?” She asked a little uncertainly, the only ones she could think of that was available over the counter were ibuprofen and paracetamol and neither would be enough to help with the pain she was in right now.

“Besides Advil and Tylenol, I take it?” The pharmacist asked, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but are you alright ma’am?”

Yeah, she didn’t like being called ma’am much but it was still better than madam. “Yeah, yeah.” Lexa waved it off before sighing, “I fell down the stairs.” She told her. “Straight out of the shower, I was about to go downstairs and slipped on the hardwood floor.”

“Ouch,” The pharmacist sympathized. “Hard fall?”

Lexa nodded, “Very.”

“It looks like it.” She agreed, unable to help but look Lexa over, trying to spot any other indications of injury, almost like she was trying to verify that story. “Have you gotten checked out?” It was all she could ask without offending the customer, as concerning as it was, it could well just be that she was telling the truth. It was routine to ask too in cases like this, if someone came in with moderate to severe injuries or medical issues they tended to recommend seeing a doctor.

“No, it’s okay, I don’t think it’s that bad.” Lexa shook her head. “I’ll be fine, I just need something to help with the pain.”

The pharmacist nodded, “The strongest you can get is Naproxen without a prescription. We don’t have the generic one, we only have Aleve, if that’s okay?” Lexa nodded and the other woman stepped away to grab a couple of boxes of the medication. She returned only a minute later, setting fown a couple of boxes and bottles on the counter, “Which one?”

Lexa looked over the options, they were all the same drug just in different forms and quantities. “I’ll take this one.” She pointed at the box of 20 liquid capsules. “I’ll just grab some Advil-” She said about to leave the counter to grab a bottle of ibuprofen from the painkiller aisle before paying.

“I have some behind the counter.” The other woman stopped her. “Any brand preference?”

Lexa shook her head, “Anything is fine, just restocking the medicine cabinet.”

The walked off to the shelf behind her, looking through the brands and packages they stocked before grabbing one of the bigger bottles and returning. “You said restocking, so…” She set down the bottle of blue liquid capsules that clearly read 300 count.

“That is perfect, thank you.” Lexa gave her a smile as she rung her up, Lexa retrieving her phone from her pocket to pay.

Putting the box and bottle of painkillers in a small paper bag, the pharmacist handed it to Lexa with a polite smile. “I hope these help,” She told her. “Ice the points of impact and take it easy.” She advised. “But falls down a staircase can be serious, especially if you hit your face because that means you might have a head injury too. So I would strongly suggest dropping by the ER just so they can clear you.”

“I will.” No, I’m not, but Lexa didn’t want to tell her why she couldn’t do that or why she didn’t want to. The lie about falling down the stairs was a believable one when all the other person could see was the fact that you were in pain, but if anyone were to take a closer look, it would be very clear that Lexa hadn’t fallen but that someone had done this to her. “Thank you.”

Chapter Text

She felt awful for the way she acted this morning, felt embarrassed and terrible for being the way she had with Michael this morning. Yes, a part of Lexa was trying to provoke him, but once her mind finally cleared and thoughts settled, she couldn’t help but feel bad about speaking to him like that. There was no need to ruin his morning just because she felt bad, just because she did something wrong. He didn’t even know what it was, didn’t know what he was punishing her for, and to Lexa that wasn’t fair on Michael. It was such a simple thing, something that should have been easy, all she had to do was give her husband a decent morning, a good start to his day, and yet Lexa had somehow managed to fuck it up.

So after the painkillers had kicked in and Lexa felt her thoughts and emotions settle into something a bit more stable, she decided to take a couple of steps extra to apologize. Maybe this was yet another questionable coping mechanism but Lexa was hoping a special night in would be a good enough way to apologize to her husband and make up for the morning. No, it wasn’t their usual night for sex but if her mom left her with any useful advice, it was how to set up a romantic night for Michael and herself – they were very desperate for a grandchild – so Lexa found herself very reluctantly placing candles and fluffing up the pillows in their bedroom.

She wasn’t great in the kitchen, that was no secret and Lexa didn’t want to give Michael a reason to complain – that and she was still in a decent bit of pain to be standing in the kitchen. There was an Italian place that delivered to their house which Michael loved, so Lexa made sure to order dinner from there, remembering to add a bottle of wine to the order – she would be needing it.

It seemed like a good idea, it seemed like a great idea when it came to her, but about ten minutes before Michael returned home and Lexa sat in front of the mirror on her dresser, she couldn’t help but feel a certain feeling of dread settle in the pit of her stomach. She didn’t know who the person looking back at her was, dolled up with not a hair out place, wearing a dress that made her feel more like an object than a person, the red lipstick only adding to that, the one Lexa loathed the look of but Michael adored – she didn’t know who this woman was, it surely wasn’t Lexa.

No, actually she knew exactly who this was. It wasn’t Lexa, no, it was Alexandria. It was the person she was expected to be, it was the dutiful wife, the obedient daughter, the woman who lived her life for everyone but herself. And maybe that is who she was, that is who she needed to be after all, Lexa didn’t exist. It was an escape, it was an identity she made up to get away from her reality and as great as that was, she knew from the start that it wouldn’t last long. And it didn’t, it ended exactly how she had expected it to, with her being reminded of what her life really was and what she could never have.

Happiness wasn’t meant for her, Lexa had made peace with that fact long ago, and it was nothing short of foolish to think that she could have it with Clarke. With someone she lied to about everything, about her name, her job, why she moved her, her relationship status, everything. It was downright stupid to have thought it could work.

The sound of the front door unlocking brought her out of her thoughts, and with a deep breath Lexa got up and made her way down stairs to greet Michael.

“Well don’t you look nice.” Michael commented as she came down the steps, him standing across from her and letting his eyes wander over the fitted dress that left very little to the imagination. “Who’re you all dolled up for?”

“You,” Lexa replied simply as she stood on the second step, her gaze dropping to the floor in an attempt to block out the way she could feel Michael undressing her with his eyes.

Michael set his bag down on the floor and shrugged off his jacket, “You know, after this morning I didn’t think you’d be standing upright.” His tone was light, like he was cracking a joke and not like he was talking about beating his wife to the point where he expected her to be unable to stand now.

Matching his tone, Lexa let out a small laugh, “I am on a lot of painkillers.” She explained. “But I wanted to apologize for how I acted this morning.” She finally looked up, stepping down the steps and closer to him. “I got dinner from Stefano’s too.”

He was loosening his tie as his other hand grabbed Lexa’s wrist, not nearly as harshly as she was accustomed to, and pulled her closer. “Dinner can wait.” Michael said, his voice low and quiet, lips a little too close to Lexa’s face. “Let’s go upstairs.”

Before Lexa could second guess herself, she closed the distance and kissed him. Deep and eager, her lips trembling in this sort of desperation. “I’ll get the wine,”

It wasn’t a great night.

It was for Michael but it definitely wasn’t for Lexa. He wasn’t very exciting in the bedroom, anything but really, and that was her only saving grace because Lexa couldn’t imagine having to do anything more than that with him. But she still felt disgusted by it, by herself, by the fact that she let him touch her like that. That’s really all it took, Michael just touching her was enough to make her skin crawl, to make her stomach twist and turn in the worst possible ways, so when they were having sex, Lexa tended to just zone out and take her mind somewhere else.

Because if she stayed in the present, she would be a lot more upset during it. She would resist and she would tell him to stop even if it was an automatic response because Lexa, simply put, didn’t like it. She didn’t like being with him, didn’t like how he felt next to her or on top of her or against her; she hated it, hell it was better when he decided to hit her. But none of that mattered. Her saying no, her resisting, her asking him to stop did nothing to help, if anything, it made things worse. Lexa had learned that on their wedding night – and the couple of times after too – her saying no and trying to stop him made it hurt, made it feel worse, made him angrier, and by now she’d learned to just let go and let him take over. Because if she did, and physically relaxed her body, at least it didn’t hurt.

Lexa couldn’t stop thinking about it, couldn’t thinking about last night as she got herself up from the bathroom floor after having thrown up her breakfast. It was a little last 10am, Michael having left for work long enough ago and Lexa just alone at home with her thoughts. She had managed to get through breakfast, managed to get through her first mug of coffee and a slice of toast with the thoughts of last night gnawing at the back of her mind. And eventually it got too much, she was sitting in the living room when it felt like she was reliving it, like she had Michael’s…hands on her right now and that had Lexa running to the bathroom.

Brushing her teeth again and walking out of the bathroom; despite her better judgement, Lexa found herself reaching for her phone and opening the call app. It was no surprise that the person she called didn’t answer, not only was Clarke at work right now but Lexa knew no part of her wanted to speak to her. There had been no texts since the one where Clarke told her to fuck herself, and Lexa had almost given up, she had figured it was best to just let go for a day or two, let Clarke calm down, give her some time and space. And at the end of it, Lexa hoped Clarke would text her or call her, ask her for an explanation which Lexa was more than willing to give.

It hadn’t been long but Lexa felt like she needed to try again. She missed Clarke, even before they had started…doing whatever they were, they were friends and Lexa missed that. She had no one again, she was all on her own with no one around her but Michael. And she couldn’t help but try to reach out to Clarke one more time. If anything, Lexa wouldn’t stop trying, she just wanted one chance to explain to her. She wasn’t expecting Clarke to forgive her, to take her back, at this point all she could hope for, all she wanted, was for her to just let her explain. Clarke deserved that, she deserved an explanation, it didn’t matter to Lexa that Clarke wouldn’t take her back, wouldn’t forgive her and say they can just go on as they were. She didn’t care, all she wanted was for a chance to explain.

Lexa made her way down the stairs as she held her phone to her ear, listening as it rang and felt her heart pounding at the prospect of Clarke answering. There was still a limp in her step, her free hand needing to hold onto the railing to keep herself upright and moving. She was still sore and aching from yesterday, her body still not having fully recovered and Lexa could only wanted to take so many painkillers. Not to mention, last night only made it worse.

Clarke didn’t answer, by the time she went into the living room, the call had gone to voice mail, Clarke’s voice telling her she wasn’t available and to leave a voice mail – or send a text because she was more likely to get to that sooner. Putting the phone away Lexa sat down on the couch, chewing on her bottom lip as she mulled over her thoughts. She was contemplating whether or not to go down and just see Clarke, take a walk down to the museum and ask her if she had a minute to talk. Chances were, Clarke would either say no or that she was busy – she was at work after all. But it was eating away at her, it felt like the thoughts were gnawing on the back of her mind and maybe it was selfish but Lexa needed to talk to her, she needed to explain herself.

Lexa was already dressed, so grabbing a hoodie – and pulling the hood up to hide the bruises on her face – she was out the door in about five minutes. She knew this route like the back of her hand, her muscle memory taking her down the right paths as Lexa mindlessly scrolled through her phone. Her steps were smaller and slower than usual, taking almost twice as long before she was entering the now familiar building.

She breezed past the reception, scanning her membership card and walking in without having to interact with anyone. There were ticket gates allowing members to enter the museum much quicker, not having to queue up and talk to staff for a ticket. And Lexa didn’t want anyone to see her, the bruises on her face were more visible today than it had been last night and although the hoodie hid them from the side, if she came face-to-face with someone, there was no way they wouldn’t see them.

Lexa made a beeline towards Galley F, knowing Clarke’s office to be down the hallway just past it. She was grateful for how empty the building was right now, but given that it was a Tuesday morning, it was expected. The galleries she walked though were empty almost completely, which meant there was no one to give her weird looks for the bruises on her face. Given any other circumstances, she would have covered them up with come foundation and concealer but hadn’t today. She wasn’t in the right state of mind, hurt and worry and anxiety clouding her judgement and makeup was the last thing on her mind, she just needed to get out of the house.

Stepping into the gallery, Lexa’s eyes met Clarke’s immediately, stopping her mid-step. But the moment Clarke’s mind registered who she was looking at, she turned on her heel, making a swift 180^o away from Lexa and beginning to walk away.

“Clarke, wait.” Lexa called out to the empty gallery, practically running up to catch up to her before she could leave. “Please.”

“Why?” Clarke bit out, turning to face her, the anger evident on her face, rage burning in her eyes. “So you can lie to my face again?”

“Can you please give me a chance to explain?” Lexa tried, coming to a halt and standing a good few feet across from Clarke. The distance felt like miles, Lexa wanting to get closer, wanting to step up to her, be able to look her in the eye and show her just how sorry she was about everything. But it was clear that Clarke didn’t want that, that she didn’t want Lexa getting any closer to her, her body language was confrontational, her eyes burning with hurt and anger.

“Explain what?” Clarke spat out, voice a little louder than she was intending it to be. She looked around quickly, making sure she hadn’t drawn any attention and lowered her voice before continuing. “You’re married Alexandria, what is there to explain about that?” Although it didn’t come out as loud, there was no mistaking the venom that was dripping from her question.

“It’s not as simple as that,” Lexa tried, panic rising in the back of her mind from the way Clarke was talking to her.

“Bullshit.”

“I know I should have told you-”

“Damn right you should have!” Her voice raised again, practically screaming and not caring this time who might hear her. It was early still, it was a Tuesday, there was practically no one here anyways. “How could you lie to me like this?”

Lexa opened her mouth to answer, not knowing what to even say but before anything could come out, Clarke stopped her.

“Did you even care about me?” Clarke questioned.

“Of course I did.” Lexa tried, her tone the opposite of Clarke’s, quiet and timid, as apologetic as she could be.

“Then how could you do this?” She bit out, jaw clenched and teeth grinding. “You even lied to be about your name.” Clarke narrowed her eyes as she glared at her. “Thompson, Alexandria. Who the fuck is Lexa Woods because it sure as hell isn’t you.”

“It is me.” Lexa tried, a hurt in her voice at being seen as Alexandria by Clarke, as the person her parents and her husband wanted her to be; she didn’t want to be that person to Clarke too. “Woods is my maiden n-”

“I don’t give a flying fuck,” Clarke didn’t care where that name came from, it didn’t matter, it wouldn’t change how much she had been lied to. “You lied to me about literally everything about yourself. I don’t know who you are.”

“You do,” Lexa responded, “You know who I am, Clarke.”

“I don’t,” Clarke shook her head, her tone calmer than it had been. “I have no idea who you are.” She took a breath, watching Lexa for a second before asking again, “Did this mean anything to you? Did you even care about me?”

“I did,” Lexa answered immediately, speaking a little louder without realizing it. “I do.”

“It sure as hell doesn’t feel like it.” Clarke replied. “It feels like you were bored with your sad pathetic life and needed me to spice up your marriage.”  

“That’s not-” Lexa sighed, shoulders slumping as she felt her lips quiver. “Please give me a chance to explain.”

Clarke thought about it for a moment, finally giving in with a reluctant nod. No explanation could fix this, but Clarke wanted to know. “Fine,” She checked the time on her watch, “I’ll take my lunch break a little early,” She told Lexa, nodding in the general direction of her office. “Let’s go to my office.”  

Letting out a breath of relief, Lexa gave Clarke a small nod, walking to the end of the gallery a step behind Clarke. They stopped in front of the closed door, Clarke opening it and holding it for Lexa, waving her other hand, motioning for her to enter.

Clarke let Lexa step inside before she entered, turning to lock the door and stand up in front of it. Lexa felt herself panic as she felt boxed in, the door was locked, there was someone between her and the exit and right now it didn’t even matter that it was Clarke, right now all Lexa could think about was that she was trapped. And that took her mind away from everything else that had been going on because Lexa’s only experience with being stuck like this was when Michael or her dad wanted to use her as a punching bag and didn’t want her to be able to escape. That wasn’t Clarke’s intention, the only reason she locked the door was so that no one interrupted them.  

“Okay expla-” But the sight of Lexa had Clarke stopping mid-sentence. She looked frozen and distressed but in an entirely different way. She had backed away towards the table, looking panicked and almost scared, and for a moment, Clarke was nothing other than just concerned. “Hey,” She spoke gently, voice soft and worried as she stepped closer to Lexa. “What’s wrong?”

Her eyes were on the ground, not daring to look up as she felt her heart pounding in her chest and breathing picking up.

“Are you okay?” Clarke ducked her head, trying to meet her eyes.

Lexa only nodded, unable to get anything out. It was getting harder to breathe, her mind being clouded by all the other times she had been cornered like this and how that had ended.

“Lexa?” Clarke tried again, noticing the slight tremble in Lexa’s hands. “Babe, look at me.” The babe slipped out, it wasn’t intentional but right now she was more worried about how Lexa seemed than by how angry she was. Clarke reached out slowly, going to touch Lexa’s arm.

But the moment it touched her, Lexa practically jumped, out of her skin as eyes came up in panic to find Clarke. She wasn’t expecting the touch to be as soft and as gentle as it was, situations like this, Lexa expected to be hit, expected the touch to hurt her, to leave a mark. “Uh,” She stuttered out, finally feeling the panic passing as she tried to speak, “I’m sorry.” Lexa got out. “I’m sorry Clarke,” She felt her hand on her arm, Clarke slowly moving it up and down in an attempt to comfort her. “Things are…complicated.”

“Complicated how?” Clarke questioned, dropping her hand from Lexa’s arm. “You’re married, I think it’s quite straight forward.”

Lexa only shook her head, “Yes but…it’s not as simple as that.”

“What does that even mean?” Lexa was only giving her more questions. “You’re either married or you’re not. I don’t think there’s a middle ground in there Alexandria.”

Lexa’s head snapped up at the use of her name, sad eyes looking up at Clarke and immediately speaking. “Please don’t call me that.” There was a hurt in her voice, almost like she was pleading to Clarke to not call her that.

Clarke only gave her a confused look, unsure why just her name would get a reaction like that out of Lexa.

“My parents call me that.” Lexa explained. “Michael calls me that. And…” She felt her voice tremble, tears stinging the back of her eyes. “You’re not one of them. I don’t want you to be one of them.”

She didn’t know it was that big of a deal but there was so much hurt and heaviness in Lexa’s voice, to an extent Clarke hadn’t seen before. “I’m not one of them.” She spoke slowly, shaking her head. “But Lexa I don’t even know what that means, I don’t know what it means to be one of them.”  She nodded to the chair next to where Lexa was standing, asking her to sit down. “You barely talk about yourself, when I say I don’t know who you are, Lex, it’s not even just about Michael, other than the little you’ve told me about your parents, I know nothing.” Her tone was much gentler this time; maybe almost yelling at her lying girlfriend in the middle of her workplace before lunch was exactly what she needed.

Clarke stepped up in front of Lexa, between her and the desk, waiting for Lexa to swivel the chair to face the desk as Clarke sat down on it. They were close, their legs touching as Lexa looked up at Clarke and waited for her to answer. The room was quiet, the sunlight shining in through the blinds and highlighting those bruises on her face. Oh, Clarke thought to herself, finally seeing them and asking herself how she missed them until now. It looked bad, there was more black and blue on her face than not and suddenly that’s all that mattered to Clarke, all that mattered was to make sure Lexa was alright. Well, it was clear right now that she was not, there wouldn’t be so many bruises on her face if she was.

“What d-”

“What happened to you?” Clarke asked before Lexa could speak. “Why do you have so many bruises on your face?”

“It’s…” Lexa chewed on her bottom lip, “It’s a long story and we’ll get to it.” She sighed, pausing for a moment before asking what she was about to. “What do you want to know?”

“I want to understand.” Clarke told her, keeping the question of the bruises in the back of her mind. “I want to know why you lied to me.” She raised her hand, pointing at Lexa’s face. Clarke was hurt, rightfully so, and it didn’t help that she had started developing feelings for Lexa.

“Things aren’t always black and white, Clarke.” Lexa answered. “I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I lied to, I never intended for that to happen but…I guess it was naïve of me to think it wouldn’t happen.”

“But why?” Clarke swallowed the lump in her throat, feeling the emotions coming up.

Lexa chewed on the inside of her cheek as she thought about her answers, she lowered her eyes looking away from Clarke’s gaze, her fingers picking at her skin. She didn’t know what to say, she didn’t know how to say it, didn’t know how to even begin to explain all of this to Clarke. Not to mention, Lexa wasn’t sure how much of it she was willing to give up, how much she wanted to tell Clarke. But well, she deserved the truth, she deserved to know what was going on now that she had dragged her into it. “Do you want to know everything?”

“Yes.” Clarke nodded, almost exasperated. “Please.”

Lexa leaned back in the chair, looking back at her as she took a deep breath. “I never wanted to marry Michael.” She started. “It was my parents’ idea and they didn’t give me a say in the matter, I was forced into it.”

“It’s your life, you’re a grown woman.” Clarke looked a little taken aback by that statement. “How could you not have a say in something so huge?”

“Because I don’t like men.” Lexa stated plainly. “And they don’t like that so this was their last hail marry in trying to fix that.”

“They got you married off because you’re gay?” Clarke looked at her in disbelief, not wanting to believe something like this still happened, that something like this would happen in this day and age.

Lexa nodded at her, “I’ve been married for…almost two months now.” She shrugged tiredly, “And as you can imagine, things are not great at home.” She hadn’t told Clarke yet that that’s how she got the bruises, but Lexa had a feeling Clarke had started putting two and two together.

“How long did you know him before you guys got married?” Clarke asked lightly, her body physically softening as Lexa opened up.

“A year.” Lexa answered. “We dated for eight months before we got engaged.” If you could even call it dating. “And another four before the wedding.”

Clarke nodded slowly, rethinking her question. “Don’t you feel bad about lying to him?” She asked about both Lexa’s sexuality and their relationship. From the little she knew of Michael from their brief encounter at the church, he seemed like a nice guy, he looked caring and loving and Clarke couldn’t imagine how Lexa could lie to him.

“No,” Lexa shook her head, not needing to think about it. “I felt infinitely worse about lying to you, Clarke.”

“But Lexa.” Clarke leaned forward, eyes looking deep into Lexa’s. “He’s your husband.”

Lexa huffed out a sad laugh. “You don’t know what he’s like.” She shrugged with one shoulder, regretting it immediately as it was the side that Michael had twisted her arm on, and it still hurt. “Besides, I don’t love him. I never have. I was just never given the choice in whether or not I had to be with him.”

“You’re away from your family now, they live halfway across the country.” Clarke told her, trying to make sense of the situation. “So why not leave him now?”

“I can’t, it’s not up to me.” Lexa didn’t know how to make Clarke understand, this wasn’t an easy or simple situation, it sounded a lot simpler from the outside but only Lexa knew how complicated it all was. “There would be a lot of consequences if I so much said I wanted to leave him.” Lexa let out a sigh, this was pointless, Clarke wouldn’t understand, wouldn’t see it from her point of view no matter how much she tried. “Forget it, you won’t understand,” Lexa moved to stand up speaking as she did so, “I’m sorry about all of this, I’m just going to go-”

“Wait,” Clarke said in a whisper, grabbing Lexa’s wrist and stopping her from leaving. “Make me understand,” She pleaded. “I know this wasn’t just some fling or random hook up for you. It sure as hell wasn’t for me.” Clarke added with a hurt look in her eyes. “I care about you and I won’t believe you if you say you don’t care about me.” Her hand was still holding Lexa’s wrist and Clarke moved it to take Lexa’s hand into hers. “So please, make me understand.”

Lexa took a deep breath, bracing herself for the talk to come. “Michael is…let’s just say he’s not a great guy.” She started. “I came to the museum that day because I had been stuck at home, just the two of us, for days after moving in. He was stressed and irritated with everything that came with moving to a new place and I needed a break. He went to work, I finally got out of the house and I came to the museum.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “I needed an escape…I thought I could spend a few hours pretending I wasn’t a married woman.”

“And then you ran into me.”

Lexa nodded, “And then I ran into you.”

Clarke looked down at their hands, brushing her thumb over the ring on Lexa’s finger. “You didn’t have this on.”

“I took it off the moment I stepped out of the house.” Lexa answered with a shake of her head. “I didn’t want to be Alexandria, I didn’t want to be his wife. I just wanted to be.” Her voice sounded heavy and upset. “And then I met you, and we started talking and spending time together and it…became an escape for me.”

“Is that all I am?” Clarke asked, her tone equally pained. “Just an escape?”

“No!” Lexa’s eyes widened, shaking her head fervently, regretting her choice of words. “You are so much more than just that,” She tried to tell her, pausing while she opened and closed her mouth to try and articulate her thoughts. “Clarke you are…you are oxygen and my home is the goddamn ocean. I’m drowning and I need you to breathe.”

Clarke closed her eyes slowly in an attempt to hold the tears back. “I don’t know what to do Lexa.” She told her quietly. “I know you don’t care about Michael, but I’m sure he cares about you. I don’t know how I feel about his wife cheating on him with me.”

Lexa understood what she meant by that, from the outside Michael was the perfect guy; polite, well-dressed, good-looking, the type of man you’d feel good about taking home to meet your parents. “He’s not the person you see him to be.”

“What do you mean?” Clarke questioned, tilting her head slightly at the statement.

Lexa pointed at her face with her free hand, “I guess I can finally tell you where all my bruises come from.”

Clarke let out a defeated sigh at the statement, almost disappointed at herself for not connecting the dots sooner. She was too lost in her own feelings, too caught up in her anger and hurt to consider those bruises and marks for even a moment, connect them to this new information. God, I’m so stupid.

“I can’t leave for so many reasons Clarke, but he’s not a good man.” Lexa added. “He’d never let me, my parents would never let me.”

“You can get help.” Clarke told her, her mood and tone entirely different now. “There ar-”

“No,” Lexa shook her head, eyes wide in panic. “I can’t do anything, Clarke.”

“But you’re not safe at home.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Lexa shook her head. “It will be so much worse if Michael finds out I told someone.” Her lips quivered as she looked up at Clarke with glassy eyes. “Please Clarke, you can’t tell anyone.”

Clarke looked at her worryingly, suddenly not angry anymore but concerned for her. “…I wont.” She agreed. Clarke didn’t know how bad Lexa’s situation was, she didn’t know the full extent of it; and Clarke knew without the proper safeguarding, her trying to help could end up making things worse for her. “But Lex, you’re not safe, I don’t want to sit here and watch you get hurt.”

“Trust me, it’s the best thing you can do for me.” Lexa sighed, looking down at their hands, not sure if she wanted to ask what she had on her mind. “What do we do? Me and you?”

Clarke took in a deep breath, sitting up straighter, uncertain about how to answer. “I don’t know.” She admitted. “I care about you too much and I don’t want to let you go but…” Clarke hesitated, “I need some time, Lexa. I need us to take a break and think about all of this because…” She couldn’t help the overwhelmed laugh that escaped her lips. “This is one hell of a situation.”

Lexa nodded, it was more than she could have hoped for. “Yes, that’s fine. Take all the time you need.”

“But listen,” She squeezed Lexa’s hand reassuringly, “I’m here for you okay? Doesn’t matter where I am, doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I need you to know that I’m always here for you.”

Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat, tears filling her eyes at the care and warmth in Clarke’s voice. It wasn’t something she was used to hearing from anyone, let alone not someone who was upset with her; Lexa didn’t really know how someone could still care about her after she had angered them. But here was Clarke, she had been so angry at her and was no doubt still upset her but she still cared, she still made a point to let Lexa know that it didn’t mean she hated her. “You mean that?”

“Of course I do.” Clarke nodded immediately. “I need time to work through this, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. Actually, I wouldn’t need time to think about it if I didn’t.” She paused for a beat, “Whatever happens, I want you to know you can come to me, okay? If you have a bad day, if something happens with Michael – especially, if something happens with Michael – I want you to come talk to me, you’re not alone okay?”

Lexa nodded slowly, looking away from her.

“Just…let’s slow things down between us and give me a little time to figure things out, okay?”

“Whatever you need,” Lexa nodded again. “Thank you, I was sure you’d hate me for this, I didn’t think you’d even want to see me again.”

Clarke nodded, “I felt like that after I met him. But…things weren’t as simple as I thought.”

A heavy silence fell over the room, Lexa thinking to herself for a couple of reasons before voicing her thoughts. “I’m sorry,” She apologized. “I’m sorry I dragged you into my mess.”

“It is what it is,” Clarke sighed with a shrug, “Now come on, let’s go get lunch.”

Chapter Text

Lunch with Clarke was good. It was great. Lexa didn’t know how badly she needed something like this, something light and positive with another person, until they had sat down at the diner and talked over their food and shared plate of fries. Clarke was understanding - to say the least - but she had asked for time, a break for their relationship while she thought about it and wrapped her head around everything. That was more than fair because, at least, Lexa realized, she wasn’t alone. Clarke made sure to reiterate numerous times how it didn’t matter what was going on between them, that she wasn’t alone, that she’d be there for her no matter what.

Lunch was as calm and as relaxed as their conversation at the museum had been intense. It was a nice change of pace, Lexa found herself breathing easy for the first time in days as her and Clarke talked about seemingly nothing at all. She was good company,  and being around her always made Lexa feel a little lighter, a little happier - regardless of their situation. The afternoon ended with lighthearted jokes and easy smiles, a warm hug, and Clarke reminding her yet again that she was only a phone call away if Lexa needed to talk - especially if it’s about Michael, okay? You’re not alone, she had told her before they parted ways, Lexa walking back home and Clarke back to work.

Yes, Clarke did say she needed a break from them, that she needed to press pause on their relationship while she got her thoughts in order and made sense of it all. Her emotions were still at a hundred, she needed to take some time to calm them down before making any decisions, before coming to any conclusions about their relationship. But this pause didn’t mean she had suddenly stopped caring about Lexa, it wasn’t like a switch that Clarke could just turn off. She would be worried about anyone in Lexa’s situation, and the last thing Clarke wanted was for Lexa to feel like she was all alone again. She was isolated in her home as it was, it was a new town, she didn’t know anyone else, and with Clarke being the one person she had gotten comfortable with, she didn’t want to leave her all on her own. So Clarke made sure to let her know that she was still here for her, that she could talk to her if things were bad at home.

Things are…difficult, Clarke thought to herself as she came home later that day. The rest of the day was busy, she had a lot of work to get through so Clarke was more than just a little distracted. And she was grateful for that, she needed to keep her mind occupied with work to keep herself from dwelling on Lexa and the mess the two of them were in. Not to mention, she wasn’t even just thinking about them but about the bombshell Lexa had dropped about Michael. She was worried about her, Clarke was incredibly worried about her; she had seen the bruises on more than one occasion, seen the way the colors shifted and changed every time they met, and that wasn’t even mentioning how her face looked today. Concerned would be an understatement, Lexa was clearly beat up, there was a limp in her step, and just generally, it looked like Lexa was in pain.

Not to mention the whole situation they were in because Clarke didn’t know what to make of it, not yet anyways. She didn’t know what to think, didn’t know how to even come to a decision about it. It would take time, that’s the only thing Clarke was certain of. Okay, that and the fact that she cared about Lexa, she cared about her immensely, and Clarke knew regardless of what happened to their relationship – because, honestly speaking, Clarke wasn’t sure about being with someone who was married – she wouldn’t stop caring about her, and that she would always be there for her. If she couldn’t be there for Lexa as her girlfriend, she knew she would be there for her as a friend – Lexa needed that, she needed someone she could lean on, someone she could open up too, someone who would be there to care about her, and Clarke wanted to make sure she had that.

“Mrow,”

The very familiar noise brought her out of her thoughts, making Clarke turn her head towards the entrance to the living room. Catra was strutting in, steps slow and purposeful with her eyes on Clarke.

“Hello.” Clarke greeted. “Where have you been all day?” She leaned down as the cat made her way towards the couch. “Busy day at the office?” She asked as she picked her up and set the cat down on her lap.

Catra made a small noise, making herself comfortable on her human’s lap.

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh, it almost looked like Catra was agreeing, saying yes that she’d had a busy day. “Must be so hard being a cat.” She joked as she stroked her head, feeling as the animal leaned into her hand. “I wish I was a cat.” Clarke said absentmindedly, the feeling of the fur under her fingertips helping her calm down and relax. “Your biggest problem is me giving you dry food.”

It had been a little over a week now since Clarke had asked to take a break, and as hard as it had been, there was a certain relief in knowing she wasn’t lying to her anymore. They had only seen each other twice, spoken a couple of times, and texted a handful too, but things felt a little stilted, a little awkward. To be fair, Lexa expected that, at least Clarke didn’t hate her, at least she hadn’t cut off any and all contact with her – that was what Lexa had expected to happen. So she was grateful for what they had, she was grateful for the lunches and the phone calls and the art memes Clarke still sent her almost constantly. It made her feel a little less alone, and maybe for once she wasn’t, at least she had a friend.

But right now none of that mattered, right now she felt all alone and it felt like the Earth was falling from under her as she stared at her phone screen. It was open on Clue, the period tracking app showing that she was nearly two weeks late. That wasn’t like her, she was never late; the most it had been out of sync was a couple of times as a teenager and that was only by a few days. Never more than that. Never a week, let alone two weeks. And well, Lexa couldn’t help but assume the worst, after all what other reason could there be?

All the right signs were there – well, she wasn’t sure she would call it that, they felt more wrong than right – she was nauseous this morning, had thrown up last week and that wasn’t like her, her mood had been all over the place lately too. There could be other reasons for both those things, and the logical part of Lexa knew that, but the part of her that was used to every terrible and awful thing happening to her knew by now to expect the worst. Not to mention there was no form of sexual protection in the whole house, Michael saying that married couples didn’t need to be careful about anything because it wasn’t like ending up pregnant would be a bad thing.

It wouldn’t be for him, but Lexa couldn’t imagine anything worse.

Her body ran cold as the reality of that thought settled in. She could be pregnant. Right now, at this very moment, she could be pregnant and there could be something growing inside her. That on its own was a terrifying thought, but everything a pregnancy with Michael entailed was so much worse. Lexa had her fear of pregnancy but that might as well be the easiest part about this. She couldn’t be a mom, she couldn’t bring a baby into this awfully cruel world for them to have the same life she did, she couldn’t subject an innocent life to that. Lexa had the misfortune of having to deal with Michael, and she’d had to deal with Titus as a father too, so she knew that if she ended up having a daughter, she would have a very similar childhood. And well, Lexa couldn’t live with herself if she did that.

It would be easier if it was a boy, if she had a son, but at the same time, Lexa didn’t want to create another man who was like her husband or her father – or even her brother for that matter. She didn’t want to continue the cycle.

And all of that wasn’t even taking her into consideration, what she wanted into consideration. Lexa didn’t want this. No one ever thought to ask her because it was just expected, but she didn’t want it. She was supposed to have more time; Michael wanted to wait and Lexa was more than okay with that, she could take that time to prepare herself a little more – although she didn’t really think she could ever be entirely prepared for it. But if she was pregnant right now, already, Lexa didn’t know how to feel anything other than dread and anxiety and panic.

Shaky hands pushing herself off the chair, Lexa put her phone away and made her way out of kitchen, going upstairs to put a put a bra on so she could go down to the drugstore. There was only one thing that was going to help her right now, and that was finding out what was actually happening, she needed answers and there was no point in wondering and dwelling on the worst possible scenario. Because either she was deluding herself in thinking there was a possibility that she wasn’t pregnant, or she was stressing herself for not good reason.

Stepping outside and checking the front door to ensure it had locked, Lexa started walking. It was a miserable day outside, wet and cold, the clouds casting a shadow over the town, and Lexa couldn’t help but think this was all perfectly fitting for the news she was about to get. Well, the news that was about to be confirmed because she already had a feeling this is what was happening. She didn’t know how Michael would take it but right now he was at the back of her mind, the least of her concerns if she was, indeed, pregnant.

Her legs carried her to the drugstore mindlessly; it was a familiar path, if there was anywhere Lexa went to more often than the museum, it was the drugstore. Everyone at The Green Co. knew her well enough by now unfortunately; Lexa didn’t know what they thought of her regular patronage to the old family owned drugstore, most likely thinking she had a chronic condition that required more painkillers than the average person and nothing else.

The sign at the front of the shop was still the same as it had been when it was first opened in 1902 as far as Lexa could tell. The font and design were very dated but not in a bad way, but rather charming. It added character, a rustic charm, an ode to simpler times; the sign had been physically changed but it looked like the family decided to keep the same design despite it. The inside wasn’t much different either. Although the shelves were stocked with everything you would expect from a drugstore in the twenty first century, the décor and building itself was like stepping into a time machine.

This wasn’t an aisle Lexa was familiar with, she knew the pain management aisles like the back of her hand but it took her a moment to find what she was looking for. Rows of boxes of pregnancy tests – right next to the condoms and lube, almost like a taunt, wanting to say you should have been more careful – too many different brands for Lexa to know the difference. They all mentioned the accuracy clearly on the box, and even that was practically the same on most of them, so she couldn’t tell why so many different companies would make the exact same thing – surely, it’s not that big of a market, right? Lexa couldn’t help but wonder as she picked up one of the boxes.

“Clearblue, over 99% accurate,” Lexa muttered to herself, turning the box around and glancing briefly at the very simple instructions. “Sounds good enough,” She nodded, and picked up two other boxes, different ones this time – up & up and First Response, both with the same level of accuracy – figuring it would be smarter to do a couple of tests to be on the safe side in case of a false negative, or a false positive for that matter.

With the boxes in her hand, Lexa made her way a couple of aisles over to the one with products for pain. It wasn’t something she had used before and Lexa wasn’t sure why as she scanned the shelves for the topical ibuprofen gels and creams. There was only so much painkillers that was safe to consume and Lexa’s chest still hurt from the beating she took that morning about a week ago. There was no doubt in her mind that there were a couple of bruised ribs from the force behind Michael’s kicks, and the most Lexa could hope for was that nothing was broken.

Finally walking over to the cash register, Lexa set the boxes and tube of cream down. She smiled at the young man working across the desk, offering a polite greeting as he took the things to scan them. From what she knew, he was the owner’s son, young, around her own age and he was here almost as much as his dad was.

“So, should I say congratulations?” The man asked as he returned the scanned products to her. “Or sorry?”

Lexa couldn’t help but breathe out a laugh, “I don’t know.”

“Hey Monty-”

Before Lexa could say anything else the familiar voice had them both looking in the direction of it. Clarke came to a halt at the sight of Lexa, not expecting to see her here.

“I’m with a customer, Clarke.” Monty told her tiredly – this was not the first time – looking past Lexa.

“Yeah, sorry.” Clarke nodded, not looking at him but at Lexa. “Hi,”

“Hi Clarke,” It came out more as a sigh, Clarke was probably the last person she wanted to see right now.

The items waiting for Lexa caught her eyes, glancing at them for a fraction of a second before realizing what they were. Clarke didn’t say anything, unsure of what to ask about it, so instead only giving her a questioning look, unable to help but feel like Lexa had kept yet another secret from her. But when Clarke looked back at her, she almost felt guilty for assuming that because Lexa didn’t look entirely happy either, didn’t look like it was something she was expecting – if anything she looked very lost.

Monty told her the total, sending it through to the card reader too but Lexa didn’t catch him, her mind too caught up in what Clarke might be thinking right now. She turned away momentarily, tapping her phone to pay before practically shoving the boxes into her bag and stepping away.

“Lexa,” Clarke walked away with her, forgetting what he had come to ask her friend. She followed her out of the store, keeping a small distance between the two of them but not wanting to let Lexa go without talking to her.

Lexa kept walking until they were at the side of the store, out of anyone’s view and stopped. She watched as Clarke closed the few feet between them and came to stand across from her, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth and thinking about what to say.

“What’s going on?” Clarke asked softly, scanning her eyes over Lexa. It had become habit since she found out about Michael, consciously at first but soon enough doing it without thinking, checking to see if Lexa was hurt. Unfortunately more times than not, she found spotted a new mark or a change in her posture or something entirely too subtle to be spotted by anyone else.

Lexa only shrugged, she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to speak it into existence, she didn’t want the possibility of her being pregnant to be any more real than it already was. Besides, it was hard telling the person you actually had feelings for that you might be pregnant with someone else’s baby. Clarke hadn’t come to a decision yet and no part of Lexa wanted to rush her, maybe it was better that she was taking her time because what if she decided they couldn’t be together, that they couldn’t remain friends even because things were too complicated? What if Clarke felt like she couldn’t forgive Lexa for lying to her? So maybe it was better this way, Lexa was fine with her taking her time to figure things out because at least she still had her in her life.

“Are you…?” Clarke trailed off, not wanting to finish the question. She didn’t want to think about it. Of course Michael and Lexa were…intimate, they were married after all but that didn’t mean Clarke wanted to think about that. She was fine being delusional in thinking that Lexa didn’t let him touch her, that Clarke was the only person Lexa was being physical with like that. But this blew past any smokescreen she had in her mind, made it impossible to remain consciously delusional and fool herself into continuing to believe that.

“I don’t know.” Lexa told her honestly.

Clarke couldn’t help but be concerned, there was so much pain and worry in Lexa’s voice, her shoulders hunched like she was being physically weighed down.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” if I’m pregnant, but the rest of the sentence left unsaid.

“You don’t know yet.” Clarke tried to reassure her, hearing the tremble in her voice. “It’s probably just a false alarm.”

But Lexa shook her head. “I’m never late, Clarke.” She told her in a hushed whisper. “And I’m almost two weeks late.”

“Hey,” Clarke reached out, gently touching her upper arm in an attempt to comfort her. She didn’t understand her own feelings; if she was giving one of her friends in a similar situation advice, Clarke would tell them to cut off any and all contact from the person, take an actual break from them to think things through because it was very difficult to be subjective when you saw them so often. Not to mention she would probably be the first one to tell them not to forgive the other person for lying like that. But well, Clarke never did take her own advice. “Don’t assume the worst, okay?” She tried. “Take the test first.”

Lexa managed to nod, not entirely convinced but knowing Clarke was right. “I…I’m gonna go.” She finally spoke. “The sooner I get an answer, the better.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Clarke nodded. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, I-” Lexa sighed, already stepping away. “I need to be alone for this.”  

Chapter Text

Lexa couldn’t help but put off taking the tests for as long as possible. Coming home from the drugstore, she busied herself with housework; cleaning the kitchen and bathrooms, changing the bedding, vacuuming the entire house despite her not needing to. Lexa split up the house into sections for chores, she was the only one who did any of the work so it wasn’t possible to get everything done in one day. So bedrooms and bathrooms were done together on the same day, the kitchen and study another, and the living room and hallways were for another day of the week. It made things a little easier, made it easier for her to stay on top of her chores without getting overwhelmed. Lexa didn’t have much else going on, the most she did was go out for a walk, out with Clarke every now and then, but she wanted as much time to herself as possible before Michael came home from work.

Once the house was sparkling clean and every room smelled of either fresh linen or jasmines – she didn’t like the lemon scented cleaning products and always opted for something more floral – Lexa didn’t have anything else to do to keep herself distracted. The pregnancy tests were still in their boxes sitting in plain view, on the console table by the front door, and Michael would be home in a couple of hours too, so it was best she got it out of the way now. She didn’t know what exactly it was, but there was some sort of consolation in him not knowing about this. If she wasn’t pregnant then this might end up making him want to start trying for a baby now, and well if she was, at least Lexa would have a little time to process it and get herself in check before telling him.

So finally grabbing the boxes, Lexa reluctantly made her way upstairs to the bathroom. She took her time reading the instructions, not wanting to make any mistakes, before laying out the tests on the counter next to the sink very neatly and setting her phone down next to them with the timer app open. Lexa was methodical with it, ensuring she did exactly as the boxes instructed – it was hardly rocket science, all the instructions were practically the same too. But once she was done, Lexa left the bathroom with her phone, waiting for the timer to end. She couldn’t stay in there, she couldn’t stare at those stupid plastic sticks in anticipation as the timer ticked down. So Lexa figured it was best to leave, best to put the closed door between her and those little strips that would determine her fate.

Clarke couldn’t focus on anything the rest of her day, work was a blur and so was the drive home because all she could think about was Lexa; her and Lexa, their relationship, hell even Lexa’s other relationship, and what a pregnancy would mean for not just the two of them but for her and Michael too. She didn’t know the outcome of the tests yet, and Lexa hadn’t gotten back to her, so Clarke couldn’t help but assume the worst. She couldn’t help but feel like the reason she hadn’t heard back from Lexa was because the tests came back positive, that she was pregnant.

It was a difficult position to be in and Clarke was finding it harder and harder to keep herself objective in working through her feelings and options with Lexa. The truth was, her feelings for Lexa were already a lot stronger than she had expected them to be. If anything before today, Clarke had half the mind to just tell her that they could be together, that they could give this a shot and see what happened – it was in no way the smartest thing to do but feelings really did impair intelligence. It would be complicated and messy and Clarke knew all that, but a part of her believed that Lexa was worth it, that the woman she had dated for only a week before finding out had lied to her about being married was for some reason worth it.

I am a fucking idiot.

 A pregnancy would complicate it so much more, so much more than it already was and well, the prospect of that was enough for Clarke to quieten the part of her that was ready to give in and want to try with Lexa. It didn’t stifle it completely though, but brought up more questions, both for herself and for Lexa, most of it being along the lines of how would it work? Lexa was married, that was complicated enough as it was, and if she was pregnant with her husband’s baby, Clarke wasn’t sure she wanted to get wrapped up in that. Yes, she was already involved, but that had happened inadvertently, she didn’t choose to get involved with a married person, but if she decided to keep going with Lexa, she would know. And Clarke wasn’t sure she wanted that, wasn’t sure she wanted to be involved in something this complicated and this messy.

One thing Clarke knew for certain was that she wanted Lexa to be around, she was fine with it even if it meant they would just be friends. Lexa was in a very difficult position, she didn’t have anyone else and from what Clarke could tell, she was completely dependent on her abusive husband. The little Lexa told Clarke abut Michael was enough for her to hate him, she didn’t need to know anything else, didn’t need to hear his side, or give him a chance to explain, none of it mattered because, to Clarke, there was never a good reason to hurt someone like this. So Clarke couldn’t care less about him and his feelings, yet, morally, Clarke had her reservations about dating someone in a relationship. She didn’t want to be a homewrecker, it didn’t matter that Michael was the way he was, she had her principals and that meant she didn’t want to be involved in it, didn’t want to get wrapped up in Lexa and Michael’s relationship.

Sure, she’d love to be able to talk Lexa into leaving him, into getting help and getting out of the toxic and abusive situation she was in. But from their talk, Clarke understood that it wasn’t as easy as that, that Lexa’s life had always been controlled by someone other than herself, that it still was being controlled, and she had very little choice in what happened and what she did without serious consequences. So as much as Clarke wanted to be there for her and support her and be a shoulder to lean on, she was prepared to do that as a friend, she wasn’t sure she wanted to get pulled into Lexa’s other relation. But god, she would be lying if said she wasn’t tempted to.

A baby on the way would make things a lot more difficult, Clarke didn’t know what the pregnancy tests came back with but it had been a good few hours since she had seen Lexa and that was more than enough time for her to have an answer. But she hadn’t contacted Clarke yet, she was supposed to let her know but there had been no word from her. And that made her assume the worst, she couldn’t think of any other reason why Lexa wouldn’t let her know. It was a big commitment; if Clarke decided to keep dating Lexa after knowing not only that she was married but also pregnant, that would be a massive commitment. There wouldn’t be anything simple about it, and it sure as hell would mean a lot more than just a casual relationship.

That was the part Clarke wasn’t certain of. If the circumstances were different, if Lexa wasn’t married, if Lexa wasn’t worried about being pregnant, if Lexa hadn’t lied to her like this, if all of that and more was different, Clarke would want it to be more than just a casual relationship. But there were too many variables, too many uncertainties, too many factors for Clarke to take the leap and make this commitment – a commitment that, quite frankly, wouldn’t be in her best interest at all. She would have to hide the fact that she was in a relationship, she would end every single day knowing her girlfriend was going back home to another man, she would know that she wasn’t the person Lexa fell asleep next to, wasn’t the only person who got to touch her and kiss her and hold her.

And well, Clarke would know Lexa would never be her’s to love.

“You had a good day?” Michael asked casually as the two of them sat across the table that night over dinner.

Lexa nodded, finishing the bite of food in her mouth before replying “It was alright.” She told him. “How was work?”

“Same old, same old.” Michael shrugged, taking a sip of water from his glass. “I saw a couple of boxes in the bathroom trashcan.” He noted, eyes on his plate as he cut a piece of the unfortunately dry chicken – Lexa had figured out by now that that could be masked with a good gravy, and so far, Michael hadn’t complained about it. “Pregnancy tests?” His eyes turned to Lexa’s questioningly. “Anything you need to tell me?” Michael’s tone was light and casual, he didn’t sound angry but just inquisitive.

Lexa forced out a polite smile, “False alarm.” She told him, turning her eyes back to her plate as she continued. “I’m a little late and just wanted to make sure.”

Michael hummed in acknowledgement, returning to his food. “So you’re not pregnant?”

Lexa shook her head slowly, “No, not pregnant.”

He nodded silently, taking a couple of bites of his food before speaking again. “How late?” If Lexa didn’t know any better, she would say he sounded concerned almost.

“Almost two weeks.”

“Is that normal?”

“No,” Lexa replied honestly, “I’m almost never late.”

“Okay well, I think you should see a lady doctor about it.” Michael told her, it wasn’t a request or a suggestion, more an instruction. “We want children down the line, our parents want grandkids, and I want to make sure everything is working the way it should.”

The way he phrased the end of that sentence made Lexa’s stomach turn, her appetite all but disappearing. It made her feel like she was just an object, like a machine to carry out its intended task and nothing more. “I’m sure everything is fine.”

“You’re not a doctor last time I checked.” The sharpness in his voice made Lexa almost flinch. “I’m fulfilling all my roles as your husband, I’m working hard and I’m providing for you.” He told her. “And as my wife this is your role, it’s your responsibility, no,” He stopped to correct himself, “Your duty to give me children.” Michael told her coldly, the tone of his voice sending a chill down Lexa’s spine.

If the previous comment made her lose her appetite, this was enough to make her want to throw up. Not to mention, he said children, as in plural, like the thought of being pregnant once wasn’t bad enough. “I’ll see someone about it.” Lexa nodded, conceding.

“Have you spoken to…what’s her name, Dr. Griffin’s daughter? Clarke?”

“Yes, a couple of times.” Lexa answered, “I saw her at the museum the other day.” She didn’t know why he would ask about Clarke, or if he would be angry that she had been spending time with someone without his knowledge.

“Okay good.” He responded, he trusted Clarke, Dr. Griffin was a well-known member of the church’s committee, so Michael automatically had a good feeling about her daughter. If anything, he wanted to encourage Lexa to spend more time with her; he wasn’t a fan of her friends back in Polis, didn’t agree with their views and their lifestyles so this was a nice change of pace. “Ask her, she might be able to point you in the direction of a doctor for your uhh…lady issues.”

Lexa nodded, not wanting to say anything in response to the way he said that, like it was something dirty and offensive. It took a lot in her to not roll her eyes at his immaturity.

“Oh, and make sure it’s a female.” Michael made sure to remind her. “I don’t think I need to tell you why it shouldn’t be a guy, I’m the only man that gets to see and touch you like that.”

Okay now Lexa was very close to throwing up. She hated him talking about her like this, talking about her physically, about the two of them, or about him being physical with her. It made her sick, it made her stomach twist and turn and filled her with disgust. “I’ll ask Clarke.”

“What is going on with you?” Raven asked, her gaze so strong it was like she was looking inside Clarke’s head.

“What?” Clarke questioned, finding her best friend a little too close to her face. But by now she was used to that, both Raven and Octavia – Raven more so – didn’t know what personal space was. To be fair Clarke couldn’t say much, she was no better with the two of them.

“I don’t know,” Raven’s eyes shifted between Clarke’s eyes, searching. “Something’s going on.”

Octavia nodded from her seat on the armchair. “We don’t know what or why but we know something’s going on.”

“Nothing is going on,” Clarke tried her best to sound convincing because that wasn’t the truth. Well, if nothing translated to the woman I’m dating told me she’s married but I like her a lot and I thought I still wanted to date her but she might be pregnant with her husband’s baby so I don’t know what’s what anymore she was telling the truth.

“Museum chick hasn’t been there as much lately, is that it?” Luna chimed in from next to Raven, quirking an eyebrow and doing her best to hide the smirk.

“Since when do you work in security Luna?” Clarke asked without missing a beat.

“My girlfriend is very observant.” Raven stated. “Now answer her.”

“I wouldn’t know if she has been coming to the museum any less than usual because that is not my job.” Clarke rolled her eyes, “I’m not a tour guide, I don’t work in security, I work in an office at the back of the building.”

“Lame,” “Liar.” Raven and Octavia said at the same time, getting another eye roll from their friend.

“Babe, who knows the ins and outs of the museum better than anyone else?” Raven questioned, pretending to not know that it was undoubtedly the curator.

“I mean.” Luna started, feigning seriousness. “It’s got to be the person with the most responsibilities in the building. Someone who watches over the day-to-day and oversees practically everything.”

“Right, right.” Raven nodded, ignoring the way Octavia was looking at her with an amused look and Clarke with an unimpressed one. “Like the curator maybe?”

“Exactly like that, yes.”

“Clarke,” Raven turned to look at her again, “What’s your position called again?”

“I don’t like you.” Clarke stated with a straight face before turning to Octavia to change the subject. “I think it’s time we question you actually.”

“Me?” Octavia scoffed, “What did I do?”

“Mr. Tall, dark, and handsome.” Clarke answered. “Wanna tell us about him?”

“I don’t know who you’re talking about,”

Raven looked equally surprised and excited, she hadn’t heard about this mystery man. “Mister who?”

“I saw you getting coffee this morning with an incredibly attractive human being.” Clarke answered, she was going to go over and say hi to Octavia but then she noticed the other person there and decided to leave them alone.

“That was a client.”

A laugh burst out of Clarke at her response, “Liar!” She exclaimed. “You couldn’t keep your hands off of him, his mouth was literally on your neck!”

“Then that wasn’t me.”

“O,” Clarke leaned forward, her elbows on her knees as she looked at her straight in the eye. “I know what your face looks like.”

“Spill it, Blake.” Raven interrupted. “Who’s the guy?”

“Someone you two will not get to meet.” She answered. “Luna might though, she’s normal and not even half as embarrassing as you two.”

“Wow,” “Traitor,” Clarke and Raven said simultaneously, Clarke clutching at her chest and Raven with her mouth agape.

“Fine, I’ll tell you who it was if Clarke tells us what’s going on with her.”

Luna and Raven both turned expectedly at Clarke, it was surprising how it was never the two of them under the spotlight.

Clarke sighed, throwing her hands up in surrender. “Fine, you wanna know what’s up?” The three of them nodded. “I had a very exciting package coming in the mail today but I was at work and the postman left it with my very conservative, elderly neighbor.” That was true, only that was the least of her worries today. It was something she was dreading having to get back, and it was something bothering her so it wasn’t really lying.

“What kind of exciting?” Luna asked.

“Was it a toy?” Octavia followed up knowingly, Clarke had a…relatively big collection.

“It is a toy, yes.” Clarke nodded. “And it’s from a different site than my usual one so I don’t know how discreet the packaging is.”

“If I was your neighbor, I’d tell you I didn’t get it and just keep it for myself.” Raven joked.

“Luna, do you have packages going missing?”

Luna nodded at Clarke, “She’s like a ferret,” She said about Raven, “Stealing is in her genes.”

“On to more pressing matters,” Raven rolled her eyes, looking at Clarke. “Eggxistential Crisis is closed for renovations so where are we going for brunch on Sunday?”

Lexa had spent a good amount of time online looking for a doctor. It had worked out in her favor; Lexa was planning on going on birth control, temporarily, only until she was ready and until Michael wanted to actually start trying for a baby. She didn’t want to put herself through this again, and she didn’t want to end up pregnant any sooner than she had to, so getting on medication would help ensure that. But her medical insurance was tied to Michael’s through his work, which meant he would know to some extent that she had been to see someone without his knowledge. So now that he knew, had actually asked her to see someone, Lexa saw this as the perfect opportunity to get what she needed without being caught out.

With Michael asleep and Lexa sitting in the living room still on her phone, she closed the browser and sent off a text to Clarke, figuring that would be the best way to find someone reliable.

Lexa

10:58pm

I have a question.

Clarke

10:59pm

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at that, it was endearing how often Clarke used ridiculous memes. Most of the time it was the first thing she received as a text and every time, without fail, it made her at least smile if not giggle.

Lexa

10:59pm

I’m looking for an OBGYN and I was wondering if you could point me in the right direction?

But instead of receiving a text in reply, Lexa received a phone call. Her phone was on silent but the call notification dropped down from the top of the screen, Clarke’s name clearly letting her know who it was. Lexa rushed to get up from the couch and practically ran towards the backdoor to step outside and answer.

“Are you pregnant?!” Clarke said the moment Lexa answered the phone, not so much as saying hello.

Lexa opened and closed her mouth to respond but the shock of the question made it difficult to form words. “Oh god no,” She finally got out. “I’m sorry I forgot to let you know, my mind has been…all over the place.”

“Tests came back negative?” Clarke asked, much calmer this time.

“Thankfully, yes.” Lexa answered, keeping her voice low. “But I don’t want a repeat of this, so I was thinking about getting on birth control until…” She trailed off. “Until I’m a bit more ready, I guess.”

“Michael doesn’t know, I take it?”

“No,” Lexa shook her head. “Well he knows I had a little scare but he doesn’t need to know I want to go on birth control.” She let a beat pass before adding, “I’ll get off them when he says he wants to start trying but until then I just…” Her voice trembled as she found herself pausing, not quite realizing she had gone silent.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked from the other side after a long couple of seconds.

Lexa let out a low sigh, shaking her head to herself. “No, not really.” She really wasn’t, it was terrifying, it had scared her to the point of trembling at the possibility of being pregnant. After she got the result, those magical pink lines telling her that she wasn’t pregnant, all the energy drained out of her in relief. And now even just thinking about it, thinking about her future, about all the possibilities and all the things she didn’t want, all the things she still had to do regardless, it had her to the point of tears.

“Talk to me,” Clarke nudged her, wanting her to open up, her voice was pained and heavy and just hearing her was enough to make Clarke worry.

Lexa felt a sharp pain in her chest, like something squeezing her heart. “Honestly, if I do, I think I’m just going to cry again.” She chewed on her bottom lip, letting her head hand. “And I’m a little too tired to do that again, so I don’t think I can talk about it right now.”

Clarke remained silent for a moment, “Let’s do lunch tomorrow.” She suggested. “The Griddle at one?”

“Sounds good.”

“And I’ll text you my usual doctor’s contact details, he’s great.”

“Oh,” Lexa stopped her uncertainly, “Michael is a bit weird about it being a guy…”

Clarke nodded, yeah that sounded right, he seemed like the type of person who would have a problem with that. “I might know someone else, but I have to find her number.” She told Lexa. “I’ll have it for you when I see you tomorrow. Is that okay?”

“That’s great, thank you.”

Chapter Text

Lexa was sitting in one of the corner booths at The Griddle, nursing her second mug of coffee already as she waited for Clarke. She was a good forty minutes earlier than she needed to be, Lexa had been desperate to leave the house because her morning was no short of terrible and it had left her entirely exhausted. After the verbal abuse she endured before Michael left for work, Lexa just needed to get out of the house. She was getting too in her head, she was getting lost in repeating his, replaying it in her head, and internalizing it to a point where Lexa felt very tempted to fall back into old habits from when she was living at home with her parents.

She had been very good in terms of coping and dealing with her situation – for the most part at least – she was past hurting herself or falling into self-destructive behaviors; she slipped every now and then – like the morning after Clarke found out about her being married – but it wasn’t as bad as used to be. But Michael had chewed her up and spat her out this morning, it had Lexa crying at the kitchen table long after he left, unable to do much more than just let the tears spill. She cried until there was nothing more left inside her, until the hollow empty feeling in her chest overtook every part of her body, making her feel just numb.

It had been a terrible last few days, the pregnancy scare, everything that happened with Clarke, Lexa was at a loss and overwhelmed and confounded. It was a lot, it was all so much but after the relief that came with those negative pregnancy tests, Lexa felt like she was turning over a new leaf, that things might just be taking a turn for the better – or at least, more bearable.

Only this morning said otherwise. Michael didn’t have much of a reason behind it, he never did, the way he spoke to Lexa to treated her could never be justified by any reason. But Lexa believed otherwise, to her, a lot of the times it was perfectly valid, it was because of her, it was her fault, it was because she did something wrong or made a mistake that she was being punished. She was a little late waking up this morning, only about five minutes, but that did push her morning routine back by five minutes too, which meant breakfast was a little late and to Michael, that was enough reason to berate his wife and make her feel small and useless.

Letting out a sigh and looking up from her half empty mug, Lexa spotted the very familiar blonde hair, just a flash as she stepped in through the door and disappeared behind the small partition. Clarke emerged only a moment later, eyes scanning the dining room and Lexa couldn’t help the smile that tugged on her lips when their eyes met. She gave her a small wave, Clarke’s eyes lighting up as she found Lexa and made her way over to the booth.

But Clarke’s expression fell as she got closer and saw Lexa, she looked tired, her eyes sunken in and an oversized sweater making her look even smaller and more frail than she already was. Her hair was pulled up into a messy bun, just about staying up, and the tired dull look in her eyes only worried Clarke further. She was worried after they talked last night but she was glad that Lexa was willing to talk to her about what was going on.

It was actually something they had talked about after the whole…debacle after church. Regardless of what happened between them, whether Clarke was her friend or something more or something entirely different, she made Lexa promise to talk to her when things were wrong, made her promise that she wouldn’t lie to her anymore, would keep her in the loop, and let her be there for her. And although Clarke was still making up her mind on what to do going forward, she didn’t want Lexa to question for one moment that she would be all alone again. However, this was almost like a condition of them…being together in whatever way, Clarke saying she couldn’t do anything, or even continue being her friend if Lexa lied to her again or kept important things from her. It was a little harsh, she felt it was, but Clarke also knew it was necessary; she wouldn’t let Lexa be alone no matter what, but she wanted to be firm on the fact that Lexa couldn’t hold back.

“Hey,” Clarke greeted as she came up to the table, smiling at Lexa.

“Hi,” Lexa replied, returning the smile as Clarke leaned down to give her a quick hug. Her arms came up around her automatically, feeling the closeness for not nearly long enough before Clarke was moving away to sit down.

“Have you been here long?” Clarke asked once she noticed the nearly empty mug in front of Lexa. She glanced at her watch because Clarke was sure she wasn’t late today and the small screen confirmed it, reading 12:58pm.

“About twenty minutes, I think?” Lexa told her. “But don’t worry, you’re not late, I was early.”

Clarke decided to not jump straight into what was going on, she wanted to put Lexa at ease before asking her what was going on. So instead the two of them talked about the museum; about the couple of new things Clarke had gotten, about the plans for the newest wing that was still very far from being complete, and Lexa was doing all she could to keep the questions directed away from her. She had admitted last night that she was upset, that she had been crying, and even talking about how things were going would just upset her even further. So Lexa knew it was only a matter of time before Clarke asked about it and well, Lexa would rather not bother Clarke with everything that was going wrong with her. Not to mention, it was never easy for her to talk about how she was feeling.

“So,” Clarke looked up from her iced tea as they waited for their food, eyebrows slightly raised, waiting for Lexa to answer. “Are you going to talk to me about it or what?”

“About what?”

Clarke only gave her a look in response, almost like she was telling her off for playing dumb. “What do you think?”

“I mean…” Lexa trailed off, resting her elbow on their table and letting her cheek fall onto it. “I’m not pregnant.” She told her. “That’s all that matters, really.”

“When I saw you at Green’s you looked like the world was about to end.” Clarke reminded her. “And you sounded upset last night, so I don’t think a negative test fixes everything.”

Lexa took a moment, taking in a deep breath and wondering how Clarke knew her so well already, how she could see past the front she was putting up. “No, it doesn’t.” She agreed. “It doesn’t because I know it’s only a matter of time before…the test doesn’t come back negative.” It’s only a matter of time before I am pregnant, was more of what Lexa was thinking but she was still a little too afraid to say it out loud and put those words out into the universe.

Clarke remained silent for a moment, her eyes looking over Lexa, searching for something, anything that would explain how she could believe that this didn’t matter. But that seemed to be common with Lexa, she downplayed things that hurt her, ignored things that made her upset, she tried to stay strong and firm and like none of it affected her but it didn’t take much for Clarke to know otherwise. “You look terrible.” She said to her instead. “And you’re going to tell me that has nothing to do with yesterday?”

Lexa huffed out a sarcastic laugh as she sat up straight, nodding. “That has to do with a lot more than just yesterday.”

“So tell me what’s going on.” Clarke tried. “You know I’m here for you, but I can’t do much if I don’t know what’s going on inside your head.”

Lexa watched her for a moment, thinking about her answer. “You don’t have to, you know?” She asked her quietly, “You don’t owe me anything, especially after what I did.”

“How many times have I told you I care about you?” Clarke questioned, leaning closer to the table, peering into her eyes. “How many times have I told you that I’m not doing anything because I feel like I have to, but because I want to?”

“At least a few,” Lexa answered sheepishly, turning her eyes down and away from Clarke.

“Tell me what’s going on then.” Clarke asked her again but Lexa didn’t even look up. She spent a moment watching her, looking over her, she looked exhausted, weak almost. “Did you eat anything today?”

Lexa’s lips quivered as she shook her head, the emotions were building up and it was only getting harder to keep herself together the more concerned Clarke sounded. It was difficult to explain, this was a very new feeling for her, there weren’t too many times in her life when someone was concerned about her or cared about things like this. There were time as a child and more so in her teenage years where she spent entire days at a time without eating anything – sometimes it because she did not wanting to, and others because her either her mother or father saw that to be an appropriate punishment to fix their already corrupted daughter. So to have someone ask her this very simple question with concern and worry, it brought tears to Lexa’s eyes. “I wasn’t in the mood for breakfast this morning.”

“Why not?” Clarke urged gently, but Lexa didn’t answer so Clarke tried reaching her hand out across the table before lightly tapping on the surface right under Lexa’s eyeline, wanting her to look back at her. “I’m worried about you.”

Lexa took a deep breath as she looked up, chewing on her bottom lip – that was very close to bleeding by now because of this very habit – and doing her best to push the tears away. “I feel worse than I look.” She finally admitted. “The pregnancy scare took a lot out of me.”

Clarke let a beat of silence pass, not missing how her eyes were misted over. “And what happens when it’s not just a scare?”

“I’ll be more ready by then.” Lexa answered as confidently as she could, but it felt like she was trying to convince herself more than Clarke. “But now, I’m still reeling from it…and I had a bad morning.”

Clarke opened her mouth to speak, ask what Michael did but before she could, their waitress returned with their foods; a plate of chicken and waffles for Clarke and nothing more than just a slice of red velvet cake for Lexa.

“That is not a meal.” Clarke reached for the small jug of maple syrup on the other side of the table, commenting about Lexa’s order, her tone almost like she was reprimanding her for not ordering a proper plate of food after not having eaten all day.

“I’m not really in the mood to eat.” Lexa answered as she cut a bite of her cake with her fork, watching as Clarke continued to pour a staggering amount of the sticky liquid not only on the waffles but the chicken too. “Clarke I feel like I should be taking that syrup away from you.”

Clarke only looked up at her as she continued to pour, no doubt emptying at least half the container onto her plate. “I have a long day ahead, I need the energy.” She stated very calmly like the simple sugars in the maple flavored corn syrup would do her much more than a cup of coffee, or even an energy drink.

“You’re going to have a sugar crash.” Lexa raised her eyebrows. “Can you even taste anything else?” She asked as she watched Clarke cut a piece of the drenched waffle and chicken from her plate. The syrup was dripping from it as she put it in her mouth.

Clarke chewed for a second, already cutting into another piece. But instead of replying, she held the fork up for Lexa. “You tell me.”

Lexa froze, her heart doing somersaults at Clarke, at this incredibly small act that probably did not even mean anything to her. It was a very small thing, something very menial to anyone else, but it was also something no one had ever done for Lexa before. Lexa’s relationship with food was warped, not in the way most would think but rather in a way that she knew it could be used as a form of punishment for her. It was important, it held a lot of significance because she knew what it was like to have it taken away, to have it used against her – and most of the time she went without eating, it was either because someone was punishing her, or she was punishing herself. So she’d never really had anyone feed her, it was not a big deal to Clarke, she was just trying to show Lexa the error of her critiques, but to Lexa it was more significant than Clarke would ever know. To Lexa, it was a physical expression of how she cared for her, it was a certain intimacy and care she hadn’t experienced before.

Telling the nagging in her head to shut up, Lexa pushed those thoughts away, reminding herself again that Clarke was only a friend. Despite how much she cared for her and worried about her, she was her friend and Lexa needed to keep that in mind. She wanted things to work out between them, and that meant Lexa was fine with the two of them being friends, as long as she got to see Clarke and spend time with her, Lexa was okay. So without saying anything else, Lexa leaned forward and very cautiously took the food from Clarke’s fork.

“It’s good right?” Clarke asked expectedly, watching as Lexa chewed.

Lexa only raised her eyebrows, swallowing the bite before reaching for her coffee. All she could taste was bitterness after the excess of sugar on her palate. “That was sweeter than my cake.”

“I have a sweet tooth.” Clarke shrugged, somehow eating something that tasted of nothing but high fructose corn syrup.

Once they had established that Clarke might as well be drinking maple flavored syrup with a straw, Clarke decided to take a break for a moment, to not push but instead turn the conversation onto lighter things. It was a welcome change for Lexa, Clarke even managing to make her smile a couple of times before returning to asking her about how things were going at home.

“Why did you have a bad morning?” She finally asked, taking a sip of her iced tea.

Lexa shrugged, stating like it was self-explanatory. “Michael.”

There weren’t any visible marks or bruises on her, none that Clarke could see at least, but at the answer she looked her over once again. “Did he-”

But Lexa shook her head before Clarke could ask if he had hit her. “His words cut deep too.” She forced out a smile as they continued to eat. “I’ve been having a hard time.” Lexa finally admitted to Clarke, eyes moving away from her and to her plate instead. “I don’t think I’ve had an easy day since we…” She stopped herself immediately, “Not because of you, I understand what you said and what you asked for, I really really do, I don’t want you to feel bad ab-”

“Slow down.” Clarke stopped her, placing her hand over Lexa’s across the table. “This isn’t about me, it’s about you. Now tell me what’s going on.”

“I’ve been off,” Lexa sighed, feeling herself calm down at the feeling of Clarke’s hand over her’s. There was something very comforting in Clarke touching her; Lexa, for the most part, didn’t like physical contact, she never had, not until Clarke. The way Clarke felt, the way just a simple touch made her feel, it was so different to everything Lexa knew; it was comforting and safe, it was never out of anger or to cause pain but the opposite. “Everything is so overwhelming, and I am…having a very hard time coping.”

“What’s going to help?” Clarke asked almost immediately. “What would make it easier to cope with it all?”

“I don’t know,” Lexa’s eyes burned as she felt the tears coming. “I haven’t stopped feeling terrible for what happened with us, I can’t excuse what I did and how I lied to you. And every time I’m with you, all I can think about is how I messed things up.”

“You’ve still got me.” Clarke rubbed her thumb over the back of Lexa’s hand, making small circles. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I don’t deserve that from you, though.” Lexa stated matter-of-factly, doing her best to keep her voice steady. “I don’t know why you’re here, I don’t know why you want to listen to my problems let alone want to help after what I did.”

“It’s not as straightforward as that Lex,” Clarke shook her head. “You told me that yourself, it’s not that simple.” She reminded. “And here, get this,” She started like it was going to be brand new information. “I care about you.” Her face broke into a smile as she repeated herself once again. “My friends have messed up, I have messed up, we have done some very questionable things. It didn’t mean we stopped caring about each other; it did take some time but after apologies and a little cool-off period, it was fine.”

She waited for Lexa to say something but she only nodded, not having much else to say. It wasn’t something Lexa was used to, if she messed up or so much as said the wrong thing, she didn’t get a second chance, not even a chance to explain before she was being struck. Not to mention, Lexa didn’t know what it felt like to have someone care about her in the way Clarke did. It was most likely a very normal thing, it was possibly very normal for people to have friends and loved ones in their lives like this but it was something entirely foreign to Lexa.

“So…talk to me?” Clarke asked.

“I don’t want kids, Clarke.” Lexa finally told her. “I don’t want kids with someone like him.” She clarified. “And I don’t want to be pregnant. Honestly, just the thought of that terrifies me. Even if we took Michael out of the equation, it would still terrify me.”

“So what happens when the tests come back positive?” Clarke’s voice was gentle, this wasn’t something anyone should be forced into doing. “What happens when you are pregnant?”

“Hopefully I’ll have enough time between now and then to…prepare myself a little better.” Lexa answered. “That’s why I want to go on the pill, I don’t want it to be a surprise, I don’t want it to be an accident.” She shrugged. “And Michael doesn’t want kids right away so I just want to give myself some more time, I don’t want to do it until I absolutely have to.”

“But you shouldn’t have to.” Clarke tried again, knowing it was futile. “At all.”

“But I do.” Lexa told her. “It’s what’s expected of me and like a lot of things…it’s not my choice Clarke.”

Clarke nodded reluctantly, she knew that, from all they had talked about, from all she knew about Lexa’s family and about her marriage, Clarke knew there were very few things Lexa was in control of. “Well, this will at least give you some sort of control over your body.” She said sadly as she pulled her hand away from Lexa’s, and reached for her bag. “Dr. Tsing,” Clarke said as she brought out her phone. “I got you her details from Raven.” She unlocked it, tapping on the screen to pull up the contact. “She’s great, and she won’t make you jump through any stupid hoops to get what you need.”

It was easy enough to get an appointment with Dr. Lorelei Tsing; Lexa had called her office on the way back home from lunch with Clarke, they had a cancellation for the next day so was able to fit Lexa in for that.

So that’s where she was now, returning to sit back down on the chair across from the doctor at her desk after a quick and very uncomfortable pelvic exam and pap smear. Dr. Tsing was great, it wasn’t her that made it that way, she did everything she could to make it as comfortable as possible but it really was just the nature of the examination, there wasn’t any other way around it than for it to be unpleasant.

After a few questions, Dr. Tsing asked to take a look to ensure everything was as it should be. She also asked if Lexa wanted to get the pap smear out of the way too instead of her having to come in again for it in a couple of months’ time, and Lexa was more than happy to do it now if it meant her not having to be in this examination table for a second time this year. It was awkward and uncomfortable and Lexa couldn’t help but wonder how Dr. Tsing did this day in day out, all the while making small talk from between her patients’ legs.

“Everything looks absolutely fine.” The doctor said as she sat down, “It’s most likely just the stress.”

Lexa nodded, she did tell her that things had been stressful and difficult lately – not why, just that it had been. “It’s not like me though.” She told her. “I haven’t had any issues like this, I’m always on time.”

“Things change,” Dr. Tsing assured her. “Our bodies change, I wouldn’t be too alarmed if you’ve been that stressed out. Just try to take things easy, try to relax a little more, I know that’s easier said than done but it should fix itself.” She made a note on the pad next to her before speaking again. “But if it doesn’t in two more weeks’ time, I’d like to see you again, then we can run some tests, just to be safe.”

“Yeah,” Lexa nodded. “I had a terrible pregnancy scare because of it.” She told her. “Which is why I wanted to ask about birth control…?” Her voice was a little uncertain, not sure how exactly to bring it up.

“Yeah, yeah of course.” The doctor nodded. “Do you have a specific type in mind or do you want me to help you choose?”

“I think I’d prefer the pill.” Lexa answered. She had looked into it, done a little research and every other form of it was either invasive or painful or both.

“Okay,” She opened the drawer on her desk, bring out two pamphlets. “You have two options,” She set them down in front of Lexa. “There’s the combined pill,” Tsing taped on the pamphlet on the right, then the left, “And the progesterone only pill.”

She went over the basic information for each, the pros and cons, and giving Lexa a list of the more common side effects. Dr. Tsing only gave her a brief description of each, the main things she needed to know and telling her that everything else was in the pamphlets.

“I, personally, recommend the progesterone only pill.” Dr. Tsing told her after she had given Lexa the necessary information. “With my patients at least, I’ve seen it do better.” Lexa nodded in reply, taking the two pamphlets the doctor was holding out for her. “So if you’re happy with that, I can give you a prescription for it. Or if you want to think it through and read it over, you can call my office after you decide and I’ll have the prescription sent to your usual pharmacy.”

“No, I think I’m okay with the progesterone only one, it sounds like it’ll be better for me.” The biggest drawback for Lexa of the combined pill was that it was more likely to have a negative impact on her mental health and that was the last thing she wanted.

She left the doctor’s office with the prescription, telling herself it was probably best to pick it up on the way home rather than have Michael find the prescription. He didn’t need to know, not now and not later, when the time came Lexa would stop taking them so there was no need to discuss it with him. She would need to be a little careful with where she kept the pills though, figuring the one place he would never look was in a pack of tampons. It would be safe enough, for all of Michael’s faults, he wasn’t one to snoop, so if Lexa hid something away, there wasn’t much chance of him finding it.

A part of her felt bad about it, felt bad about lying to him, but Lexa was able to quickly quieten that part of her mind by reminding herself that she wasn’t withholding anything from him, he didn’t want kids yet and when he did, Lexa would give him exactly that. But until then, she wanted to have at least a little control over her life and body.

Chapter Text

Michael was in a great mood tonight, he had come home from work with a smile plastered on his face, telling Lexa it was because he had closed a big sale. Lexa…didn’t know all the details of his job; she knew that he worked in sales but that was about it, she didn’t know what he sold, what his company was even called, and frankly she didn’t care enough. He had told her, most likely on more than one occasion, but it was information that just didn’t stick in Lexa’s mind, it wasn’t important enough to her and Lexa was certain she just zoned out every time Michael talked about his work.

But that didn’t matter now, what mattered was that he was in a good mood, because he was happy, and that meant Lexa was happy. When he was in a better mood, he was much nicer too, he was an actual sweetheart, the type of husband anyone would be lucky to have; he was attentive, and listened to her and it was like he actually cared about Lexa. It was also times like this that made Lexa question how she really felt about him, how she truly felt about their relationship. It wasn’t as simple as her hating him, there were so many more emotions and so many more factors that went into her feelings for him.

After all, they had been together for a whole year, despite everything wrong with it and the circumstances that led to it, it was impossible to not develop some weird conflicting feelings. Michael loved her, Lexa knew that much for a fact, it was in his own way and everything he did was out of that love; regardless of what that was, Lexa knew that Michael did love her.

But she didn’t, she didn’t know what to call what she felt for him, maybe it was some twisted form of it, maybe after all the time they had spent together the feelings that developed between them morphed into something Lexa never expected it to. She still hated him though, she despised him and the way he treated her. Lexa hated how it felt when he touched her, how it felt when he kissed her, or did so much as stand too close to her. So honestly, Lexa couldn’t make sense of her feelings for him, and times like this, times when he was actually nice to her, only made it more difficult and confusing.

“This is delicious, Alexandria.” Michael said over dinner, this was quite possibly the first time he was complimenting her cooking.

That’s why Lexa was a little taken aback by it, blinking at him for a long second before finally speaking. “Oh, uhh thank you.” She stammered out, “I have been trying to get better in the kitchen, so really that means a lot.”

“You’re miles from where you started, that’s for sure.” Michael told her, taking another bite “I’m finally seeing you become the wife I’ve been expecting.”

And there it was, there was the backhanded compliment he was so good at giving out. Nothing was ever quite enough, she was never quite good enough – not to him, not to her parents, and well, Lexa was used to it. She was a people pleaser, she had been all her life because of this exact reason, all Lexa wanted as a child was to be enough for her parents, for them to be proud of her. And even though she had made peace with that never being a possibility a long time ago, she always found herself going above and beyond and putting everyone ahead of herself in hopes getting some sort of approval. For a long time it didn’t matter where it came from, Lexa threw herself at people, especially during her teenage years, just anyone who would look at her and give her some form of validation. And now, despite her best judgement, she was stuck chasing that from Michael.

“By the way,” Michael started, “What did the doctor say, everything okay?”

Lexa nodded as she set her fork down, “Yes, everything is fine. She said nothing is wrong, and it will sort itself out.”

“So nothing to worry about?”

“No,” She shook her head. “If it…doesn’t fix itself in two weeks, she asked me to go back. But Dr. Tsing said she’s certain its nothing to worry about, everything seems fine.”

“Okay good.” Michael nodded. “We haven’t talked about this in much detail, but your parents definitely have.” He took another bite of his food, waiting to not talk with his mouth full.

“Children?” Lexa asked knowingly, her appetite all but disappearing at the thought of it.

“Mmm-hmm.” Michael agreed, cutting another bite of his chicken but waiting to speak to her first. “Things are settling down well, work is going pretty good.”

Lexa could feel her heartrate increasing as he continued, telling her about how things were in a good place for the two of them like he was setting up for something. It was true, they had settled in well into their new lives, or at least they were settling into it well, and Lexa couldn’t help but feel like she knew where Michael was going with this.

“But I don’t want kids just yet.” Michael added, Lexa letting out a very subtle sigh of relief. “I’m still enjoying the married, child-free life, and I want to for a bit longer before we are strapped down with babies.”

“I absolutely agree,” Lexa nodded, finally feeling herself calming down.

“How many children do you want Alexandria?”

Zero, is what Lexa wanted to say but she knew the correct answer was not her choice. “My mother has taught me the correct answer to that is how many ever you want.”

Michael chuckled at that, nodding. “Your mother is a smart woman.” He reached over his plate, helping himself to more roast potatoes. “I want a big family,”

They were going to have children sooner or later, Lexa knew that, she had known that from the moment her parents set her up with Michael. So her and Michael didn’t talk seriously about it, didn’t have a proper conversation about it that went much further than just confirming they were going to have kids after marriage. Her life was mapped out for her, it was expectations and duties, and none of it took into consideration what Lexa actually wanted, she never had a say in how it played out. She had to get married, she had to have children, there was no question about it, Lexa knew that. And now that she was married, her only purpose it seemed, was to give her husband children and her parents grandchildren.

But Lexa was expecting that to be two children at most, she couldn’t imagine any more than that, couldn’t imagine having to be pregnant more times than that. If Michael wanted a big family though, that would probably mean more than two. “How many is big?” She asked as she picked up her glass of water and took a sip.

“At least four.”

Lexa coughed up in reply, almost choking on the water before setting the glass down and wiping her lips with her napkin. “Four…?”

Michael nodded, “I’m an only child, I had friends through school with large families and I was always jealous of them.” He told her, eyes on his plate, cleaning of the chicken from the bone with his fork and knife. “And I always told myself that when I had my chance, I would have a big family.”

Finally catching her breath, Lexa asked again, “So how many would you say, because you said at leastfour?”

“How old are you now? Twenty-three?” Michael asked and Lexa nodded. “That gives you enough time to bear five babies, maybe six.”

Okay, Lexa was going to throw up at this point. “That’s…a lot.”

“Yeah, we’ll have to move out of here eventually.” Michael told her, setting his knife and fork down, now finished with his dinner. The way he spoke made it seem like that would be their biggest issue, their house not being big enough. “I say we’ll take a break after the second one, move to a bigger place, give them more attention for two years before we move onto the third.”

She felt sick, Lexa felt like she was going to throw up or pass out or maybe even both. The way he said it made it sound like he wanted to have the kids back to back, and nothing made her feel worse than the thought of being pregnant practically consistently for a good few years. It was as though he was trying to get as many babies out of her as possible, use her for just her body, like she was nothing more than a machine. “So you’d want to…have the kids one after another, like straight after?”

Michael nodded like, giving her a look that asked what else could he have meant. “First two, then the rest a year or two later.” He spoke more slowly this time, repeating himself. “I want you to give me as many children as you can, so we are not going to waste time for no reason.”

No reason, Lexa repeated that in her mind, it was wasting time to give her time to recover, to give her body time to heal after something as physically traumatic as being pregnant. Traumatic mentally too for her yes, and Lexa knew it was an extremely strenuous and taxing experience for the body, regardless of who it was. But to Michael it was nothing more than just popping babies out, nothing that would require Lexa to need a break, to need to slow down. “Well,” She forced out a polite smile, moving to get up from her seat to clear the table. “I have a lot to look forward to, then don’t I?”

Tonight was a welcome break from the worries that were glooming over Lexa like a dark cloud. Sure there was a long time to go, they weren’t having kids anytime soon, but it was soon enough because Michael had said he wanted to start trying after their first anniversary. Which was a long time away but not far enough for Lexa; they had been married for only two months, so it was at least ten more months away but knowing that it was coming was enough to have Lexa in a completely new dark place.

Their talk was a little over a week ago, the whole time Lexa spent as an anxious ball of energy with little to no outlet to get it out. She had talked to Clarke about it too, told her why she was worried, holding up her end of the deal where she let Clarke in and talked about things that were wrong or bothering her. It helped, it made her feel lighter, took away the crushing feeling even at least a little bit, and for the first time in her life, Lexa realized how nice it was to have someone to talk to like that. Clarke was learning that this was all new to Lexa too but she was so patient, she was caring and thoughtful and actually worried when Lexa was upset. And well, with Clarke here Lexa didn’t feel as isolated and trapped as she had right after moving to Arkadia, it was nice to have a life outside of Michael and the house.

The entirety of today had been busy for Lexa, she didn’t have much time to dwell into anything other than the things she needed to get done. They were having guests over for dinner tonight, two of Michael’s friends from work, their wives, and Clarke. Inviting Clarke was his idea and Lexa jumped at it, he had suggested it because it would be nice to get to know her better and also this way Lexa would have someone she knew. So the entire day had gone into prepping for dinner, cleaning the house, and making sure nothing was out of place for when their guests arrived. She was a little worried about dinner, although Lexa felt like her cooking was improving, she was still afraid of messing up because there was a very good chance that if she did, Michael would humiliate her in front of everyone.

“No, no, no, no, no,” Lexa ran to the oven from the other side of the kitchen, muttering under her breath in a panic because there was smoke coming out from the oven. Dessert was in there, a blueberry pie that Michael had specifically asked for tonight. The filling was the only part Lexa had made, buying the pastry from the grocery store because she knew even attempting that would lead to a disaster. But there was smoke coming out of the oven now which meant she was faced with a disaster already because it meant the pie was burnt. There was no backup, there were no other options for dessert other than the tub of ice cream that was supposed to go with the pie.

She turned the temperature dial in a rush, turning the oven off before cracking the door open to check the damage. But Lexa was met with gray smoke blocking her view and she had to close it just as quickly as she had opened it. Groaning in frustration, Lexa went to close the door to the kitchen and then made her way to the backdoor to open it to let the smoke out, she didn’t want Michael to know something was burnt and she sure as hell didn’t want to set off the fire alarm. Returning to the oven with a tea towel, Lexa opened it again, waving the towel to keep the smoke away from her nose and eyes before managing to pull the tray out.

“Fuck,” Lexa was more angry at herself than anything else, she messed up, she messed up big time with this. “I’m fucking useless,” She muttered to herself, dropping the pie tin onto the kitchen island and being overcome with the urge to just scream.

The pie was burnt to a crisp, there was no salvaging it and the annoyance quickly dissolved into worry at what Michael would do if he found out the evening had been ruined before the guests even arrived. He’s going to kill me, Lexa closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose as she thought about what to do next. She had been worried all day about tonight, this was going to the be the first time they entertained, the first time Lexa cooked for someone that wasn’t Michael or their parents, and the night hadn’t even started and Lexa had already messed up. She wanted to make tonight go smooth, she wanted tonight to be a good one. But right now, Lexa didn’t see any way out of it.

Worried and anxious, in a last ditch attempt at saving herself, Lexa brought out her phone to call the only person she had that could help.

Dinner went off without a hitch, Lexa saying Clarke saved the day when she arrived with not only flowers and a bottle of wine for her host but also a blueberry pie from The Griddle. It was snuck into the kitchen with the wine in a tote bag and no one noticed a thing; Lexa said the night would have gone very differently if it wasn’t for Clarke, she would have put it aside as an accident, a mistake but she knew Michael wasn’t like that. Because it was, it was an accident, and it was very human to make such mistakes, it shouldn’t have been such a big deal but when Lexa had called her, her voice was practically trembling.

Okay, maybe Clarke thought the night went off without any issues until Michael followed Lexa into the kitchen after dinner while the rest of the guests went back to the living room. She fell into casual conversation with the others but her attention remained in the direction of the kitchen, not being able to hear much more than Michael’s voice coming muffled through the walls. She didn’t know what it was about, Clarke couldn’t think of a single at dinner that would warrant a private conversation in the kitchen. Maybe him telling her that she did a good job but from what Clarke knew about him, that seemed highly unlikely. Okay, if she was being extremely nitpicky, the only thing that came to mind was probably the beef being a little overcooked, but just barely and the mash potato wasn’t the best – but nothing was bad, nothing was below satisfactory.

Michael put on a smile the moment he walked into the living room, telling everyone he was just giving Lexa a hand putting the food away and that she’d be back with dessert in a moment. Clarke didn’t quite buy that, she had a feeling Michael was the type of husband to help with the dishes after dinner. Instead of dwelling on what had been happening, Clarke got up and excused herself, going to check on Lexa and saying she was only going to get herself a drink.

“Are you okay?”

The soft voice made Lexa look up, almost startled as she wasn’t expecting anyone right now. She quickly nodded, hand coming up to her face to forcefully wipe away the tears that had managed to escape before Clarke saw it.

“Are you sure?” Clarke tried again, stepping further into the kitchen and towards Lexa. The kitchen was immaculate already, it was clean and tidy and no one would even assume a party of seven people were just fed from here. So was the rest of the house really, Clarke had noticed when she first arrived; Lexa took the housework very seriously and Clarke wasn’t sure whether it was because she wanted to or because she had to.

“Yes,” Lexa turned her eyes away, not wanting Clarke to see that she was upset.

“Lexa,” Clarke breathed out, closing the distance in a couple of strides, coming to stand next to her in her space. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing,” She answered a little too quickly for it to have been convincing.

Clarke quirked an eyebrow, Lexa still not meeting her eye. “Is that why your hands are shaking?” She reached up, placing her hand over Lexa’s that was holding onto the counter, it was clearly trembling.

Lexa’s shoulders slumped at the contact, the warmth from Clarke’s hand having an almost immediate effect in calming her. “Dinner was a disaster.”  She finally said, her tone disappointed and dejected.

“What are you talking about? Dinner was fine.”

But Lexa shook her head. “The beef was over cooked, the mash was awful, the roasted veggies tasted burnt because I put them in the same oven as the pie, an-”

“Breathe,” Clarke stopped her, her free hand going up on Lexa’s back and rubbing comfortingly. “Dinner was fine. There was nothing wrong with it.”

“Michael says otherwise.”

Clarke sighed, “Of course he does.” She wished so badly that they would just be words, that Michael would just say what was on his mind rather than physically acting out. Words hurt too, they really did, but in a situation like this, whatever he had to say would be a lot better than what he intended to do. “You look beautiful tonight, by the way.” Clarke commented after a moment, speaking quietly and keeping her tone light, wanting to change the subject and maybe try to cheer up Lexa.

Lexa only looked up at her, giving her a small smile. She was the only one who had paid her a compliment tonight, Michael didn’t say anything only asking her if this was what she was going to wear when the guests arrived. And his friends and their wives barely took her existence into account, the two other women already knew each other, talking amongst themselves, and they seemed to make no effort in including Lexa or Clarke in their conversations.

“I don’t think anyone looks quite as good as you do in floral,” Clarke added with a soft smile, meaning it wholeheartedly. It was a simple dress, a relaxed fitted white dress that reached her ankles, the wide neck showed off her collar bones tastefully and the dip was just enough to still be modest, and there were flowers embroidered all over it.

Lexa looked away again, fighting the smile that came from the way Clarke was looking at her. Clarke made her feel things no one else did, looked at her and talked to her in ways no one else did. This was something so simple, yet it had Lexa’s stomach in knots and heart skipping a beat at being called beautiful. It was a feeling Lexa found herself chasing long after knowing how wrong it was and how much she couldn’t have it. Maybe she didn’t even deserve it, but here was Clarke, standing all too close to her, her hand over hers and the other on her back and for a moment all Lexa could do was picture a life where that was the norm, where she was being called beautiful and shown affection, and not belittled and threatened with physical harm.

“Come on, they’re waiting.” Clarke took half a step away, her hands falling away from Lexa and feeling a little better at bringing her mood up even it was slightly.

“No one is waiting for me.” Lexa shook her head.

“Well,” Clarke shrugged. “I was.”

Chapter Text

She was the last one to leave, long after dinner and dessert, long after Michael’s friends and their wives had left, and Clarke didn’t have any other excuse to not leave. She had a feeling Lexa had a bad night coming; if whatever the conversation between her and Michael earlier was to go by, Clarke had a strong feeling that Lexa had a bad night coming. So right now, in this moment, all Clarke could think about was that she needed to stay, she needed to keep Lexa company, she needed to make sure Lexa wasn’t alone with him. But that only lasted so long, she could only stay so long because eventually it got too late and Clarke had to leave.

And now that she was home…she was drowning in guilt. She felt like she shouldn’t have left but there was only so much she could have done. It was complicated, it was a very complicated situation to be in and it seemed like there was no easy or even remotely simple way through it or out of it. Clarke has thought about it before, she knew what Michael was like, she has seen the bruises on Lexa, has heard her halfheartedly explain it with just one simple word, Michael. But this was the first time she found herself going cold with dread at the prospect of leaving Lexa alone with him because up until now, Clarke hadn’t been so close to it.

She felt bad for leaving. She felt awful about leaving Lexa alone tonight. But Clarke knew there wasn’t much she could do. She wished she could say something, do something, help in some way, defend Lexa, or just take her out of harm’s way but…Clarke didn’t know how. All she did tonight was stall for an extra hour before leaving her alone with him. It was all just…so complicated, this wasn’t like anything Clarke had ever been faced with before, no matter how hard she tried, there was nothing she could do to help Lexa. Maybe there was, but there wasn’t anything certain, nothing Clarke knew for sure that would help her. And given the circumstances, there was a very good chance it would just end up making things worse.

But it was so much worse tonight after having been so close to it, after having seen the immediate aftermath, after having seen the state Lexa was in after Michael just had words with her. So right now Clarke couldn’t not feel guilty about it, couldn’t stop thinking about how she could just sit here knowing what went around behind that door. More specifically, Clarke didn’t know how she could sit around knowing what was happening at Lexa’s house right now, tonight. It was a lot different to seeing the bruises and marks a day or two later, it was different because then Clarke didn’t know about it before hand. Now she felt a certain responsibility to have stopped it, she knew it was coming tonight, she knew what was going to happen tonight and yet all Clarke did was…walk away.

So it wasn’t surprising to Clarke that she couldn’t fall asleep. It was hours of tossing and turning in bed, eventually Catra strutting into the room because of course Clarke was being too loud for her. She joined Clarke in bed, jumping up and making herself comfortable on the pillow next to Clarke’s side. Clarke only shook her head at the cat, she had two beds in the house, one upstairs and the other in the living room downstairs but she chose to not only get into Clarke’s bed but to curl up on a pillow too. She reached out and pet her, gently stroking her head but Catra completely ignored her, tucking her head into herself as she curled into a ball.

“You give me no affection at all.” Clarke shook her head, bringing herself up slightly to pick up the phone from her nightstand. She unplugged it from the charger and unlocked it. Laying back down, Clarke looked at the screen, tapping through to the message app and scrolling to her conversation with Lexa. She didn’t expect a reply from her right now, it was late after all and Clarke could only hope that Lexa was asleep.

Clarke

1:04am

are you okay?

She put the phone away a few minutes later, returning her attention to the cat next to her. Catra seemed to be more awake now, somehow figuring out that Clarke wasn’t sleeping so deciding she didn’t need to either.

By the time Lexa’s reply came an hour later, Clarke was sitting upright in bed, having given up even trying to sleep as she played with Catra. She was moving a t-shirt around on the bed that she had picked up from the floor, watching as the cat tried to chase it and claw at it. But once Clarke heard the phone buzz, she dropped the shirt on the bed, letting Catra come at it as she diverted her attention to the device instead.

Lexa

2:09am

I’m fine.

That didn’t sound convincing, not at all. Especially with the text coming an hour later, Clarke had a feeling Lexa wouldn’t have bothered replying now if things were, indeed, fine. She let out a small sigh, feeling as Catra ducked her head under her free hand and Clarke went to pet her while replying to Lexa onehandedly.

Clarke

2:10am

are you really or are you just saying that?

Lexa

2:10am

Does it matter?

A queasy feeling overcame Clarke as she read the text, that did answer her question, only it wasn’t the answer she wanted. Not to mention, it hurt to hear Lexa talk about herself like that, like she herself didn’t care about the answer.

Clarke

2:11am

of course it matters.

Clarke

2:11am

why wouldn’t it?

Lexa

2:13am

It doesn’t tend to matter how I’m doing.

Lexa was a completely different person to talk to when she was upset; she put herself down, excused everything that was wrong, overlooked her own feelings. And it hurt to see that, it hurt to see her diminish herself like that.

Clarke

2:13am

it matters to me. YOU matter to me lex

Clarke

2:14am

what happened tonight?

Clarke watched as the three dots appeared and disappeared periodically. Lexa was no doubt rethinking and retyping what she wanted to say. But then the dots appeared and stayed, oscillating and telling Clarke that whatever it was, Lexa was typing out a long text. But then a minute passed and they disappeared, nothing coming through from Lexa’s end.

Clarke

2:17am

Lexa?

Clarke

2:17am

where’d you go?

Lexa sighed as she erased the very long text she had typed out; telling Clarke she was upset, detailing what Michael did to her tonight, and how she was oh so close to doing something bad because there was only so much she could take. But there was no point in sending that, there was nothing Clarke could do, there was no need to worry her even further. Lexa felt bad about that, she felt bad about keeping Clarke up at night, felt bad about putting her problems on her, felt awful about being a burden on her. She had her own life; she didn’t need Lexa’s problems too, surely.

Monday, it was Monday and Clarke still hadn’t heard back from Lexa. She didn’t know what was going on, didn’t know if she was okay, didn’t know if something was wrong, and all Clarke wanted was to make sure Lexa was okay. But given that the dinner party was on Friday, Clarke didn’t really get the opportunity to see Lexa after it. Michael would have been home over the weekend, meaning Lexa wouldn’t be able to openly speak to her on her phone, and she obviously wouldn’t be able to get out of the house to meet Clarke either. She did have half the heart to go down to the Sunday church service, but Clarke knew her and Lexa wouldn’t be able to speak alone, and Octavia had a little emergency that required both her best friends. So up until now, Clarke hadn’t had the chance to check in on Lexa. Not that she hadn’t been worried about her, she spent every moment wondering about her, just didn’t get the opportunity to do anything about it.

But given that today was Monday, Lexa would be home on her own. So Clarke was hoping, at the very least, that she would be able to talk to Lexa without her having to worry about being overheard. She wanted to call right after waking up, picking up her phone and sighing before putting it away. Clarke wanted Lexa to be alone when she called so she had to find a way to keep herself occupied for a while. Thankfully it was a busy morning at the museum, there was a school trip scheduled so Clarke was very happy with the distraction.

With things now settled and her being in her office, Clarke finally found herself turning away from her computer and picking up her phone for the first time since coming to work. It was close to 11am now, Michael most definitely at work, meaning Lexa would be able to talk to her.

She answered on the second ring, and Clarke couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief at it. She was half expecting Lexa to not answer, and Clarke had told herself that if Lexa didn’t, she would pay her a visit because she needed to make sure Lexa was okay.

“Hi,” Clarke greeted after a moment of silence.

“Hi,” Lexa croaked out, uncertain and hesitant, not entirely trusting herself to speak to Clarke in fear of what she might say.

“I’ve been worried about you,” She got straight to the point, leaning back in her chair. “You haven’t answered any of my texts since Friday,” Well, technically it was Saturday given that it was past midnight, but that wasn’t important. “Is everything okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Lexa apologized, not sure for what exactly but it felt like she was apologizing for a lot more than just not responding to her. Maybe she was apologizing for worrying her; Lexa wasn’t used to that, and she didn’t think she deserved to have someone worry about her when she had dragged that person into the mess that was her life. “I didn’t mean to worry you.” Her voice was small and uncertain, almost like she was scared of upsetting Clarke. Lexa wouldn’t be surprised if she was; she had practically ghosted her all weekend, kept her worried and unsure about how she was doing, so really, Clarke had every reason to be upset with her.

“You don’t have to apologize Lexa.” Clarke told gently, shaking her head to herself and holding back on a sigh because of course she felt like she had to apologize, “Are you okay?”

If Lexa was being entirely honest, she was not. She was recovering from a couple of bruised ribs and a black eye, the former making it difficult to stay out of bed for too long and the latter making it difficult to leave the house without raising questions. “I’m okay,” It sounded a lot more convincing than Lexa could have hoped but she had a feeling Clarke wouldn’t buy it – somehow, she already knew her a little too well for that.

Clarke let a beat of silence pass; it did sound convincing enough, but she knew better than to believe it. “Come down to the museum today?” She asked her carefully. “I haven’t seen you in a couple of days, maybe we can get lunch together?”

“I– ” Lexa hesitated. She wanted to, she really did but Lexa wasn’t sure how she would explain the black eye she acquired last night. It was a little too dark to be hidden completely behind makeup, not only would that bring up questions from Clarke, but it would attract at least a few suspicious looks from anyone she walked past. There was also the fact that the pain in her chest got worse if she walked or even stayed up on her feet for too long so there was no way she could actually walk down to the museum to meet Clarke. “I don’t know if I can.”

“Can you please tell me what’s going on?” Clarke finally asked, not wanting to sound as exasperated as she felt. It was a little frustrating, as worried as she was about her, there was only so much she could do when Lexa wouldn’t tell her what was happening. “You promised you wouldn’t hide things from me anymore and right now it sounds like you’re not telling me something.”

Lexa remained silent. Not speaking for a long couple of second before giving in with a sigh. “I…might be a little hurt.”

“How hurt?” Clarke asked immediately, sitting up straighter in her chair.

“It’s not important.” Lexa waved it off, “I’ll be fine. I just didn’t want to worry you Clarke.”

“You not talking to me about what’s going on worries me more Lexa.” Clarke kept her tone soft, not wanting Lexa to feel pressured. She had promised to keep her in the loop, to tell her what was going on with her life, if she was upset, if she needed to talk. But Clarke also knew Lexa had a lot on her plate and she didn’t want to add to it by making her feel pressured; she would always encourage it, would always try to get her to open and talk but Clarke wouldn’t push. “I felt terrible about leaving that night.” She finally told her, admitting it as she let out a shaky breath. “I should’ve done something, I don’t know what, but I know I should’ve at least tried.”

Lexa shook her head at herself despite Clarke not being able to see her, “No, no. Please don’t feel bad.” She told Clarke. “It’s not your responsibility Clarke, there’s nothing you could have done.”

“You’re my friend Lexa. I care about you.” Clarke felt like she was reminding her yet again, or maybe it was just something that was difficult for Lexa to continue to believe – especially when things were worse than usual. “Of course I don’t want to see you getting hurt. And knowing you were going to get hurt…I wish I’d stopped it.”

“I– I’m really sorry I put you in a position like this.” Lexa clenched her jaw, she regretted it all so much; it would be so much easier if she was alone, she would feel so much less guilt. But at the same time, Clarke made her feel good, made her feel lighter, and Lexa didn’t want to lose that. Only it made her feel incredibly selfish too because she was making Clarke go through all of it with her; she was dragging her through her mess, making her deal with problems that weren’t her own, and just making Clarke’s life more difficult than it should be. Lexa’s lips quivered and she did her best to ignore the tears stinging the back of her eyes. “I should have never dragged you into my mess.”

“Don’t do that.” Clarke chastised; she didn’t miss the way Lexa’s voice wavered as she said it. “It was my choice to stay,” She reminded her. “And I don’t want you to be alone in all this, you deserve a shoulder to lean on Lexa.”

Lexa took in a shaky breath, letting a tear escape as she listened to Clarke. “Let’s just say I haven’t a good last couple of days.” She finally admitted, letting Clarke talk her into opening up.

“What happened?”

“You know what happened.” Lexa stated matter-of-factly; Michael, it was always Michael.

“Not entirely no, I don’t.” Clarke responded, “You said you were hurt, how hurt?”

Lexa remained silent for a moment, unsure of how to say it without worrying Clarke any more than she already had. “My whole body hurts.” She told her with a sigh, finally letting it out. “I’m sore and aching and I think I have a couple of bruised ribs.” Saying it out loud almost hurt as much as her injuries did, Lexa wasn’t used to talking about things like this and it felt a little wrong coming out of her mouth, like it was a secret, something she should never utter or share with someone else. “So I have just been in bed the last few days.”

Clarke wasn’t sure if she was more concerned or horrified at what Lexa just said, “Lexa that is not good. If he is hurting you to the point of you not being able to leave the house, maybe it’s time you tried to reach out and get some help, do something about it.”

“I can’t, okay?” Lexa shut her down immediately, sounding more forceful than she had intended to. She wouldn’t have told Clarke about how Michael was abusive, but she didn’t have much choice then, and as nice as it was to finally be able to open up and get that weight lifted – even if it was just slightly and temporarily – she was still worried about it coming out. “It’s not like this is the first time, I’ve dealt with it before, much worse too.” Not just from Michael, no; she had grown up like this, with violence like this being a part of her everyday life, so to Lexa, it really was something she was very much used to. “It’ll be fine.” She tried to reassure Clarke. “Besides there’s nothing I can do.”

“Lexa…”

“Please Clarke.” She all but begged, her voice trembling because she knew Clarke was talking about possibly going to the authorities. But Lexa couldn’t do that, couldn’t let that happen, because all it would do is backfire on her and end up making the situation worse. “No one can know, you promised me that.”

“I know.” Clarke resigned. “I just feel like I’m sitting here watching you get hurt over and over again. I want to help.”

“You are helping.” Lexa spoke softly, “Just knowing I have someone in my corner is more than enough.”

But what about when it’s not? Clarke wanted to ask, wanted to ask what would happen when Michael went a little too far, hurt her a little too badly, even accidentally caused a more-serious-than-intended injury. But there was no point in bringing that up now; Lexa got very defensive when she did, like right now, and the last think Clarke wanted was to push her away when she was in a place like she was in now.

The doorbell caught Lexa by surprise. She wasn’t expecting anyone, there weren’t any deliveries coming today either, so she didn’t know who it could it. Managing to push herself off the bed, Lexa made her way down the stairs, gritting her teeth at the way every muscle in her upper body ached from the movement. She had taken more than a couple of blows to her torso after the disaster that was dinner, and she was only just starting to get a little better when Michael lost it on her last night. It wasn’t because of any real reason, he just felt like it and Lexa was…there.

Finally opening the front door, Lexa was faced with an even bigger surprise. “Clarke,” She breathed out at the sight of the other woman, giving her a questioning look.

“Oh my god what happened to you?” Clarke didn’t even greet her, her tone almost horrified as her free hand flew to Lexa’s face. The black eye was definitely concerning, it looked worse than anything Clarke could have imagined and maybe if she had known to expect it, she wouldn’t be this shocked – okay, she still would be given how dark it was.

Lexa only sighed, her words getting lost as Clarke cupped her cheek, thumb just below where the bruising had spread to.  She couldn’t help the way her eyes slid shut at the warmth from her hand, so gentle and soft and so different to the way her face was accustomed to being touched. “I think you know,” She finally answered, opening her eyes and looking at Clarke.

Clarke nodded sadly, still not moving her hand but studying at the bruise.

“I wasn’t expecting you.” Lexa finally said before asking, “What are you doing here?”

“Oh right.” She withdrew her hand, this time bringing up the other which was holding a paper bag. “I wanted to get lunch with you but since you couldn’t leave the house, I thought I’d bring lunch to you.”

A small smile came upon Lexa’s face, feeling herself relaxing and giving Clarke a short nod. “Come on in.”

Chapter Text

It had been a long time since Clarke had a proper night out with her friends. Adult life really did put a damper on her social life and Clarke couldn’t help but wonder where all the energy she had back in college went to; because back then – only a couple of years ago really – she could be up till the crack of dawn but still make it to her morning class. Now, she needed at least thirty-six hours after a night out to recover from her hangover – and that was even if she didn’t get completely inebriated but just hit the sweet spot of being drunk enough to have fun.

Which was what she was aiming for tonight, but if a couple of free drinks came her way, she wouldn’t be wasting them. She was going out with Raven, Luna, Octavia, and her new boyfriend, Lincoln, to one of the very few nightclubs in town, and although she was going alone, Clarke was very much hoping that she wouldn’t be leaving alone. It had been a while since she’d…spent the night with someone, the last being Lexa and that was a little over a month ago. She was still working through her feelings for her, still trying to make sense of it all and trying to compartmentalize so they could be friends. It wasn’t as easy at the start, and it felt like every moment Clarke was with her she was fighting the urge to kiss her or hold her or something; but it had gotten easier since then, she was in a good place with Lexa now so it was only a matter of time before she got herself out there.

“So what are you thinking tonight, Griffin?” Raven asked over the music, her voice straining to be heard as she leaned against the bar and Clarke got her drink. “What are you in the mood for?”

“Yeah,” Luna asked from next to her girlfriend, taking a sip of her Coke and rum. “Ladies, dudes?” She waited, “Either? Oooh, neither?”

Clarke shrugged taking her drink from the bartender, “Free reign for you guys,” Since very recently, Luna had joined Raven and Octavia in being Clarke’s wingmen…wingwomen, wingpeople, they hadn’t decided one which word they liked the most yet. Octavia wasn’t great at it, quite the opposite really, but Raven on the other hand probably deserved some sort of award, and it turned out Luna only helped Raven do her job better. “Just…keep O out of it.” She tried her best, she really did but more times than not, she worsened Clarke’s chances of getting laid.

“Don’t worry,” Luna reassured as they moved away from the bar, making their way to their table before hitting the dance floor. “I think Lincoln’s got us covered.” She nodded in the direction they were walking in, Clarke finding Octavia and Lincoln making out very easily even in the dim light of the night club.

“We just got here,” Raven rolled her eyes, clearly exasperated.

Once they had gotten their friend to stop sucking her boyfriend’s face – Raven’s words, not anyone else’s – and gotten a couple of drinks down, it was a fun night. Clarke had missed being out; anyone who knew her knew she liked to party, she liked a night out and with how busy life had been the past couple of months, Clarke was sure she had been out less than a handful of times. Nightclubs were her thing, since the first time she had stepped inside one, Clarke knew it was one of her most favorite places to be in. It was a lot of things, she liked getting lost in the music despite it being questionable at best at time, liked dancing like no one was watching because more than not no one really was, and she just loved the feeling on being on a crowded dancefloor with so many people around her. There was just something about it all that made the rest of the world disappear and for a while, Clarke could just exist.

But as far her luck went with finding someone to go home, it wasn’t looking too great. That was mostly on Clarke, Raven and Luna were doing their part in trying to help but at the back of her mind, Clarke was stuck on one very specific person. There was a very clear wall almost, that she had put up in her mind, putting her feelings for Lexa behind it and out of the way. But the more she drank, the weaker the wall got, the easier it was for those thoughts and feelings to sneak their way back into her consciousness.

It wasn’t just romantic feelings, it would probably be a lot easier to ignore them tonight if Lexa wasn’t quite as attractive as she was. There was no denying it, and it was the first thing that drew Clarke to her after all, so really it would be easier for her to focus on other people if her very tipsy mind wasn’t stuck on those perfect ass cheeks on that practically God-like body and how it felt to have her hands on them. Lexa was incredibly hot, and Clarke was hopelessly attracted to her; there were so many eligible people here tonight but the one person she wanted in her bed and under her…Clarke couldn’t have.

Oh, Clarke’s eyes found someone a couple feet away from her at the bar, she could only see her back but the brunette in the leather jacket definitely caught her attention–

“Can I buy you a drink?”

A voice interrupted her train of thoughts and Clarke turned around to find a man who was very clearly the definition of tall, dark, and handsome flashing her a smile. She watched him for a moment, letting her eyes shamelessly travel down his body and back up; he was well built with defined muscles, the short sleeves of his t-shirt stretched around his arms and straining to contain them despite Clarke picking up on the fact that his shirt was the right size. She had seen countless guys sizing down to look bigger and that was an automatic no from Clarke, they wouldn’t get past the initial greeting if she clocked that.

“Yeah, you’ll do.” She muttered with a nod, adding before he would question it, “I’m Clarke,”

“Hi Clarke,” He said over the blaring music, “I’m Atom.”

“Atom?” Clarke questioned, clearly not believing it. “That doesn’t sound like a real name.”

“Tomas. But when people asked me what my name was as a kid, I used to go uhh Tom.” Atom explained. “So I kinda got dubbed Atom.”

That was a pretty bad explanation, but Clarke found it endearing, it was cute. “Tell me you work with atoms at least,” She joked.

He shook his head, letting it hang for a moment before answering. “I’m a high school math teacher.”

“Oh no,” Clarke laughed, shaking her head at him. “No, no, no. Math, really?”

“Yeah, I know,” He matched her smile, holding her gaze for a second before returning to his original question, “So can I buy you that drink or do math teachers not do it for you?”

“You can’t talk about numbers and I buy the first drink,” Her hand came up, index finger trailing up his arm and settling on his biceps, “Sound good?”

“Hmm,” Atom pretended to think about it. “The numbers thing might be a little difficult but I think I can manage.”

.

Yeah this was a good call, tonight was definitely a good call, and much as Clarke was wary of inviting strangers back to her back, she was even more wary of going to a stranger’s house. So she ended up inviting Atom back to her’s, the two of them leaving not long after Clarke bought them the first round of drinks. He did return the favor, saying he was a gentleman after all and couldn’t not buy Clarke a drink too and Clarke gratefully accepted it. She wasn’t too drunk but just at that perfect spot where she was drunk enough to feel good and have fun and also be entirely present. And well, Clarke was hoping to stay there until got back to her place and she came at least once.

Her and Atom managed to stumble up the stairs without tripping or stepping on Catra, the upstairs hallway only illuminated by the small floor lamp at the top of the stairs making it a little challenging to find their way to the bedroom. He was very handsy, strong and capable hands making Clarke want more of him, or well, just more because it didn’t quite matter who it was with tonight. It was purely chance that she had come back home with Atom, it could have been anyone else but once he had approached her, Clarke figured it was as good as she was going to get tonight. They made out on the dance floor, Clarke getting more handsy than him before taking his hand and dragging him to the exit and catching a cab – after letting her friends know she was headed off, that is, she didn’t want them to worry.

Maybe it was the alcohol in her system, or it was the fact that Atom seemed to be very talented with his mouth and hands – or maybe both – but this was probably the first time all night that Clarke didn’t think about Lexa. Every other person Raven or Luna or Octavia pointed out to her throughout the night, all Clarke could do was compare them to the only person on her mind. So this was definitely a welcome break, she needed this, she needed to do something to get the thoughts she had about Lexa out of her mind – or at least under control. They were friends, and that’s all they were going to be, so it wasn’t helping that every time Clarke found herself in a frisky mood, she thought back to Lexa and what it was like to have her in her bed.

“Just so we’re on the same page,” Clarke spoke as she came apart from the kiss, catching her breath and backing up to sit down on the bed with Atom only inches away. “You’re not looking for anything serious, right?”

Atom shook his head, finding himself on top of Clarke as she pulled him down and onto the bed on top of her. “Wouldn’t be picking up girls at the club if I wanted something serious.”

“Smart man,” Clarke kissed him again, rough and hard, hands going to his sides and hooking her fingers in the belt loops to pull him closer.

It wasn’t much longer before Atom found himself between Clarke’s legs, him still entirely dressed but turning all his attention to her instead. Clarke let Atom take the lead – for now anyways – it was hard to do much more than just lay back and let him do what he was doing when his tongue inside her felt this good. He was talented with his mouth, Clarke realized, very talented and she couldn’t help the way her hips bucked and she grinded against his tongue. He was quite persistent, his movements not faltering as the minutes ticked by, slowly but surely drawing Clarke closer and closer to the edge.

Atom held her legs open, grip firm on her thighs as they tried to close around him, not letting up regardless of the way his jaw strained. He could feel himself filling out his boxers and stretching against the fabric; he had just about managed to undo his jeans to get some relief while he ate Clarke out. Yes, all his attention was on Clarke but that is exactly what was making him get this hard. He could tell Clarke liked being the one in control, and fortunately that was Atom’s thing too; he let Clarke guide his head, let her tangle her fingers into his hair and hold him to her, and he would be lying if he said Clarke practically fucking herself on his tongue wasn’t doing it for him.

“Oh fuck,” Clarke groaned, drawing out the last syllable as her back arched from the bed with her eyes closed, knowing she was moments away from coming. “Don’t stop,” Her grip on his hair tightened, practically holding him exactly where she needed him while she rocked her hips to push herself over the edge. Clarke came with a long moan, the tongue between her folds not letting up and wanting to see how long the orgasm could last. “Fuck Lexa,”

Her eyes shot open the moment her own words reached her ears, not at all surprised that Atom stopped what he was doing and looked up at her with questioning eyes. “Oh my god, I am so sorry.” Clarke’s cheeks burned out of embarrassment, the peak of the climax now having not just past but also being forgotten.

But Atom didn’t seem offended by it, but rather laughing as he brought himself up. “I don’t think that’s my name.”

“No, I–” Clarke didn’t know what to say, this was the first time she had ever said the wrong name in bed, and she hoped it would be the last because Clarke couldn’t remember ever being more embarrassed than she was right now. Her hands came up, hiding her face behind it as she shook her head, “Atom I am so sorry,”

He sat back on the bed next to her, shrugging as his hand absentmindedly slipped past the waistband of his boxers and onto his dick. “I mean,” Atom started, waiting for Clarke to look at him before continuing. “I am good to keep going if you are.”

Clarke only gave him a look, mostly disbelief that he would be down to have sex with someone who just called out the wrong name while he was going down on them.

“What?” He huffed out a laugh at her expression, “You’re hot and I am very hard, I’m not thinking with my brain right now.”

Clarke matched his expression, laughing as she nodded. “That’s fair. I mean, I don’t think I’m using my brain much right now either…” No, she was not, if she was, she wouldn’t have said her…friend’s name – yeah friend, Lexa was her friend. “Take your clothes off,” She finally told him, doing her best to move past that not-so-little slip up, sitting up herself to take her top off.

Atom did as asked, he was quite desperate to take his pants off as it was and it wasn’t long before both their clothes found their way onto the floor. He had just barely tossed his shirt aside before Clarke was pushing him down on his back on the bed.

“Woah,” He breathed out, Clarke now straddling him. It happened very quickly, Atom didn’t have much time to so much as register it happening before Clarke was on top of him.

“I like being on top,” Clarke smirked, hands on his chest as she moved her hips, her ass against his length.

“I’m not complaining.”

Clarke brought herself up slightly, one hand still on his chest to keep herself steady while the other grabbed his dick to line it up to herself. “Good,” She sank down onto it; Clarke was already wet and loose, letting him very easily slide inside her.

Atom swallowed the lump in his throat, keeping his breathing under control as he felt more and more of himself disappearing into Clarke. “So,” He started after a moment, voice deceptively steady. “Who’s Lexa?”

Clarke’s eyes opened once he was fully inside her, sitting still and giving him a look because did he really want to talk about this while she was sitting on his cock. “Really?”

He nodded, “I wanna kno-” but his words were cut off by a groan, Clarke starting to move her hips. It was slow and subtle, but enough for him to forget his words momentarily.

“She’s a friend.” Clarke answered hesitantly, picking up her movement and bringing herself up to ride him.

“A friend you want to bone?”

Clarke sighed, sitting back down on his dick, wanting nothing more than to ride him until he was shaking and trembling and losing control. “Please don’t use that word.”

“We’re boning right now.”

“Oh my god,” Clarke sighed, hands bracing herself on his chest and shaking her head. She responded to him by instead going back to what she wanted to do, hoping that the way her pussy worked his dick would shut him up. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

Sex wasn’t always…entirely awful, sometimes it was bearable but just mildly unpleasant. It really depended on the night, depended on how Lexa was feelings and she still hadn’t figured out what made some nights better than others. Regardless of how she felt about it, unfortunately Lexa couldn’t deny the effect it had on her physically. Unless it was a particularly bad night, and Lexa wasn’t overcome with dread and disgust by the end of it, it tended to just…make her very frustrated. She didn’t enjoy it, she didn’t want Michael to so much as look at her let alone touch her but she couldn’t help the response her body had to it. And for the life in her, Lexa couldn’t understand why.

But here she was right now, Michael had rolled over and fallen asleep almost immediate after he was done. If he could last more than ten minutes, that would be great, but he really couldn’t make her come to save his life and all that did was leave Lexa entirely too frustrated. She couldn’t sleep afterwards most nights, regardless of how she was feeling emotionally, she couldn’t sleep. Either Lexa was upset and nothing short of miserable, or she was tossing and turning in bed because she was just so sexually frustrated (or varying degrees of both). Tonight was more the latter, she couldn’t help but groan and sigh, rubbing her legs and squeezing her thighs in an attempt to get some sort of relief.

With a sigh, Lexa quietly rolled out of bed, leaning down to pick up her t-shirt from the floor and putting it on. She couldn’t get past how it felt to be naked and so open with him; she still hadn’t gotten used to it, and Lexa didn’t think she ever would. She felt exposed and vulnerable, and even just being able to cover herself with a blanket was more comforting than letting him see her in her entirety.

It had been so different with Clarke, Lexa knew it had been wrong, knew she shouldn’t be doing it but…it felt right, the way Clarke looked at her and touched and made her feel, Lexa didn’t have any other word for it than just right. She knew it was something she needed to let go off, to move on from because they were just friends and they could never be anything more than that. But Lexa would be lying if she said she didn’t still think about it, if she didn’t wish so badly to go back to it.

Shaking the thoughts away, she opened the nightstand drawer, digging to the bottom of it and feeling around until her hands grabbed what she was looking for. Bringing out the dark pink vibrator and bottle of lube, Lexa impatiently walked off to the bathroom to take care of herself. She had only gotten the toy a couple of weeks ago, some time after things…changed between her and Clarke, and Lexa decided, with everything she had to deal with, the least she deserved were orgasms – not even good orgasms, just orgasms would have been enough. Which the toy definitely provided, it provided some very good orgasms, it was a little miracle and feat of modern engineering and technology. Okay, Lexa knew that sounded like bit much, but it was a suction toy that also vibrated and she had to admit, there were very few things in her life that she liked as much as this.

Quietly closing the door behind her and listening to the click of the lock, Lexa sat down on the edge of the bathtub. It was far from the most comfortable place to get off, but she had to make do with what she had.

With a shaky impatient breath, she uncapped the lube and squeezed it out onto the opening of the toy. She set the tube down onto the floor and spread her legs, reaching down with her free hand and clumsily spreading her lips to expose her clit. No, Lexa didn’t have the patience for anything else, she wanted to get straight to it and with this toy, all she had to do was put it against her clit and let it do it’s its thing. It was minimal effort and after spending close to an hour extremely frustrated in bed, she didn’t want to put in anymore effort making herself come.

She felt herself relax the moment the toy came to life, still on its lowest setting as it hummed away. It was relatively quiet, even when it was turned all the way up – something Lexa had only done a couple of times so far – it wasn’t loud, not nearly loud enough to be heard past a closed door. Lexa closed her eyes, trying to block out her current surroundings, and instead get lost into how the vibrator between her legs felt. But her mind was a little too busy at the moment, being too loud and making it difficult to focus, wandering onto things she’d rather not think about.

Lexa pressed the power button twice, consequentially increasing the suction power to three in an attempt to focus. She let out a shaky breath, her worries beginning to melt away at the slightly more intense sensation. She moved the toy gently along her clit to get a little more friction and doing her best to move things along. Sometimes, when she was on her own, she liked to take her time, go up one setting at a time, draw it out and tease herself, make it feel good. But times like tonight, after spending more than enough time with Michael in bed, all Lexa wanted was to come, she just wanted to finish and get the sweet relief from the pent up frustration that came with Michael’s pathetic attempt at fucking her.

Before she knew it, her mind was pulling up images she hadn’t thought of in a long time, flashes of blonde hair and blue eyes and Lexa found herself increasing the power on the toy yet again. Four *click*…five *click*…fuck, She swallowed the moan that wanted to escape, her abdominal muscles contracting and tightening in response. It was her body’s way of trying to get out some of that energy, her muscles twitching because she couldn’t be vocal, couldn’t moan out loud but had to swallow it down and it felt like the buildup of energy needed to make her body do something. Not come, not just yet, she wasn’t close enough to the edge just yet but Lexa was doing her best to hurry it up.

The closer she got, the clearer the images in her mind became. And eventually they weren’t just images and before Lexa knew it, she was very clearly fantasizing about Clarke. Not only could she see those blue eyes looking at her, but feel her too; soft lips on her neck and gentle hands caressing her body, touching her in ways Lexa would never forget, in ways only Clarke knew how to. She began to get lost in it, get lost in the memories and the current physical sensations, suddenly the rest of the world all but gone and all that mattered right now was the relief she was chasing.

Lexa could feel her grip on the edge of the bathtub tightening, her breathing growing more rapid the closer she got to finishing. Soon she could feel a hot breath against her skin, almost hear the way Clarke would breathe out her name in the heat of the moment, and right now, it almost felt like she was coaxing her closer and closer to the edge, asking her to come, asking her to give in to her.

Her grip on the hard ceramic tightened even more, her knuckles going white in an attempt to ground herself and keep her body steady. Lexa squeezed her eyes shut, gritting her teeth and clenching her jaw, the tight knot within her threatening to unravel and Lexa was only just bracing herself for it. She came with a strangled moan, catching herself and swallowing down the next one, humping the toy in desperation to prolong the pleasure as much as possible. The stifled moans came out in whines and small grunts instead, pleasure overtaking her body and coursing through her veins making it difficult to keep herself so much as seated.

The last of it washed over with Lexa being unable to keep herself seated or her lips sealed, a small whisper finding its way out, a name that sounded almost like a plea, desperate and small and…completely unexpected. Her eyes snapped open the moment she heard herself say Clarke, doing her best to catch her breath as she came down from the high because well, saying your friend’s name at the cusp of an orgasm was definitely not friendly behavior.

Chapter Text

The last time Lexa was over at Clarke’s house was the night before she met Michael at the church; the two of them spent most of the evening together, and part of the night too and all of it in the bedroom. So it had been a while since Lexa had been here but Clarke had a shorter day at work today, a meeting outside of the office in the afternoon and after that she was done. She invited Lexa over today, asking if she wanted to come over to just relax and spend the day together; Clarke knew Lexa didn’t get to do much of that at home, even when she was alone.

Lexa had mentioned it a few times in passing; saying she was either busy with housework because she had chores to do, or because she was trying to keep busy and her mind occupied. It was easy for her to get lost in her head, easy to let her mind dwell on all the negatives when she was alone so she had to keep herself busy in one way or another. And well…it made Clarke upset knowing that, she couldn’t even relax in her own home and Clarke took every opportunity to ask her out, whether it was out to lunch or to meet at the museum or something else; she liked spending time with Lexa and she knew Lexa liked being out of the house.

It was a little weird knocking on the front door today, things were so different from the last time she was here, her and Clarke were in a very different place, and although they were in a good place now, it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t nearly as awkward as it was at the start, it didn’t feel as cold and stilted but it was a newer feeling of warmth and comfort that was different to when they were dating. It was still just as nice, Lexa liked spending time with Clarke regardless of how or why; honestly, she still couldn’t understand how Clarke managed to forgive her for lying the way she had, but Lexa was grateful nonetheless.

The door opened soon after she knocked, Clarke greeting Lexa with a smile and subtly looking her over for any signs of a new bruise or injury. She didn’t think Lexa noticed it, or knew what she was really doing but it didn’t take Lexa long to pick up on it. It tugged at her heart strings, made her feel bad all over again for making Clarke have to deal with something like this. But at the same time…it was nice knowing someone cared that much, that despite what happened between them, that Clarke still cared, a lot, and more times than not she just wanted to make sure Lexa was okay.

But before Clarke even had the chance to say hi, there was something very soft rubbing against her shins and meowing up at her. “Hello Catra,” Lexa cooed as she leaned down and picked her up before turning her eyes to Clarke. “Hi,”

“So I see who takes priority,” Clarke joked as she held the door open and motioned for Lexa to come inside. “Are you only here to hang out with her?”

“I mean,” Catra settled in Lexa’s arm, her other hand scratching under her ear and listening to the cat purr. “She hasn’t seen me in a while.” Lexa shrugged, following Clarke into the living room.

It was an uneventful afternoon, the two of them spending it relaxing on the couch and mostly just doing their own thing. It was nice to have the company, there was something very comforting about it; Clarke sitting on one end of the couch with her sketchbook and Lexa on the other rereading Wuthering Heightsyet again, talking every now and then about anything and nothing at all. It was peaceful, Lexa felt like she could just be and just exist when around Clarke, not bothered or weighed down by expectations and responsibilities, but just being able to be herself and not have anything else on her mind.

Clarke had an impressive library, more books than Lexa could have imagined to find in one house. One of the walls of the living room was shelved from floor to ceiling, warm lights embedded in the molding to illuminate the top shelves and Lexa figured, between Clarke and the books – and Catra, of course – she could spend days on end here.

“Find anything interesting?” Clarke asked as she returned to the living room from the kitchen, two mugs of coffee in her hands and a small pink paper box balanced on top of them.

“Astrology or astronomy?” Lexa asked absentmindedly as she ran her fingers over the spines of the books. There was a small section that wasn’t fiction, mostly books on art but there was a row of on space and constellations, including a couple which were about the stories behind constellations.

“Astronomy.” Clarke answered, setting down the box of cupcakes on the coffee table and walking over to Lexa to hand her her mug. “With a side of mythology, I guess.”

Lexa took the mug from her, taking a sip and noticing the soft smile on Clarke’s face, not knowing entirely what to make of it but Lexa had a feeling there was a story here. “I didn’t know you were into astronomy.”

“Oh, I think space is amazing.” Clarke stepped away, returning to the couch and Lexa followed. “It’s massive and terrifying and so fascinating.”

Lexa sat back down, taking her previous spot on the end of the couch, with her back to the armrest this time so she could be facing Clarke. There was a certain fondness in the way Clarke talked, it wasn’t something she had talked about before, or even mentioned. The mythology part seemed more up Clarke’s alley, whereas space and stars felt a little out of place. “I don’t know why, but I never really pegged you for someone who was into space.”

Clarke nodded, her smile only growing. “Yeah, the arts don’t go too well with planets and stars, do they?”

“They are as beautiful as anything you have at your museum, so I see the appeal.” Lexa shrugged, “But when I picture you as a teenager, I don’t see you sitting in your backyard with a telescope.”

A soft laugh slipped past Clarke’s lips, “My dad got me into it.” She told Lexa. “He was obsessed with the stars and space and everything to do with it. But mostly the stars.”

Lexa pulled up her legs, crossing them under her as she waited for Clarke to continue. She didn’t talk about her dad much, Lexa knew they were close and that he died when she was sixteen but not much else.

“He was a satellite engineer and would talk about his work every chance he got.” Clarke continued. “But everything even remotely sciencey went over my head – which if you think about it, is kind of funny with my mom being a doctor and my dad being an engineer.”

“The STEM genes skipped a generation?” Lexa joked.

“Oh yeah, they definitely did.” Clarke nodded. “But eventually my dad figured out that if he was to talk to be about his work, the only way to get my attention was when he talked about the stars.” She leaned forward, flipping the top of the box open and picking out one of the four cupcakes. “And it really didn’t take me long to get entirely engrossed in it. It was amazing how people looked up and saw…art in nothing.”

“Constellations?”

“Constellations, yeah.” Clarke nodded. “There’s just this vast space with little specks of light, and humans just looked up and decided to find patterns and images and stories. It was fascinating to me.” She took a bite of the cupcake, leaning back in her seat, “It still is fascinating to me.” She paused for a moment, thinking to herself before speaking again. “I love stargazing,” Clarke told Lexa. “Even now, I look up there and I map those patterns that I remember discovering with my dad and…I feel close to him.”

“You guys were close.”

Clarke nodded. “Very close.” She breathed out. “It took me a long time after he died but eventually I found things that made me feel closer to him in a way that didn’t make me sad.” She leaned forward again, retrieving another cupcake but this time handing it to Lexa. “He’d point out the constellations to me and for a lot of them, he’d tell me the stories behind them. Which is what then got me into mythology.”

“Do you have any favorites?” Lexa asked knowingly, there was something about the way Clarke’s face lit up at the way she spoke about her dad that Lexa just found so incredibly beautiful.

“I know this makes me seem a little nerdy, but yeah, I do.” Clarke laughed, mostly at herself and shook her head. “Cassiopeia.” She stated. “It was one of the first constellations I learned to find, and it has a pretty interesting story too.”

“Oh?” Lexa took a bite of her cake, her free hand coming up to wipe the little bit of frosting that had gotten on the tip of her nose.

“It’s from Greek mythology. Queen Cassiopeia was Princess Andromeda’s mother, she was really vain and really proud when it came to her looks. So the story goes, she bragged that she – or her daughter, it depends on the source of the story – was more beautiful than the sea nymphs. And as we all know, the Greek gods are dicks, so they got offended and pretty much banished her to the sky. Which is different to most other stories like this because it’s usually a place of honor to be placed up there amongst the stars, but in Cassiopeia’s case it was a punishment.”

“So what is essentially the place everyone like legends and heroes wanted, was actually her own hell?” Lexa asked once Clarke finished, feeling a certain connection to that part of the story. It was a positive experience to be placed up in the sky, amongst the stars, but instead she was trapped there, it was like a prison. And Lexa couldn’t help but relate that to her own situation, feeling how marriage was supposed to be a positive experience, she was supposed to be happy, but instead she was trapped with Michael, her home a prison.

It was a quiet day at the house, something Lexa welcomed wholeheartedly because she didn’t get to experience it too often. Her morning wasn’t too bad either, quite the usual and nothing past just a couple of unkind words. It was much better than the mornings where Michael was angry or in a bad mood, it was better than when he’d berate her to the point of tears, and it was definitely better than when he’d hit her for something as menial as cooking the eggs wrong or not making the coffee right. But today was just fine, her morning had been just fine, and the rest of the day was going alright too.

To Michael, there was always something Lexa could be doing better, something he would find to point out and make sure to let her know that she wasn’t doing enough. The extent of that tended to differ from how he was feeling that morning, and the worst thing she heard this morning while cooking breakfast was useless; she’d heard a lot worse from him and all this did was make her bite back a sigh while she flipped the bacon. It was because Michael expected breakfast to be on the table the moment he stepped into the kitchen – not before because then it would get cold, and definitely not after because he didn’t like to wait. And Lexa was a couple of minutes late in getting breakfast started this morning, making him have to wait close to five minutes before she got the plate of food down in front of him.

She was grateful for the fact that he didn’t have much else to say – or do – before finishing his breakfast and leaving for work. It was their usual goodbye, a short chaste kiss that felt more like a chore to Lexa than anything else, Michael copping a feel of her ass, and then him leaving. The latter was a newer occurrence, it had started no more than a couple of weeks ago, Lexa learning – albeit reluctantly – that Michael was becoming more comfortable in being sexual than he had been at the start of their marriage. It wasn’t surprising, they were married after all, and it wasn’t a sudden change either, but a very gradual one over the three months of since the wedding.

They didn’t have sex before the wedding, something Lexa was very thankful for; surprised too, but thankful nonetheless, he took his religion very seriously so premarital sex was out of the question. It didn’t mean they didn’t get physical in any other way, they would still kiss and Michael would still touch her in ways that was very typical of someone’s boyfriend, but Lexa didn’t liked it any more than she did now. Their intimacy only increased after they got married, sex becoming a very new addition but it still wasn’t that often, Michael wasn’t too sexual, he never had been and now Lexa had a feeling it was because he didn’t want to start something he wasn’t allowed to finish before the wedding.

So things had been warming up between the two of them in that aspect, much to Lexa’s dismay but it seemed like Michael was getting more comfortable being more sexual with her. It was like he was discovering this part of himself and now he had no reason to hold back like he did before the wedding. Now Lexa was his to do what he wanted with, not giving her the opportunity to say no or so much as voice her opinions on how it made her feel about it at all; as far as Michael was concerned – and Lexa too – she said yes to everything when she said I do at that altar.

The one thing about this that Lexa wasn’t expecting though was how Michael paid more attention to her body now. He was more observant and picked out changes and made comments if something wasn’t…to his standard. It was little things like body hair or her not wearing the type of underwear he’d expected her to, the scars weren’t new to him and Michael had gotten used to them by now but he would still comment on it from time to time. The ones Lexa acquired from her earlier years had faded enough to not be distracting in a dim room, a lot of them were on her back too which weren’t in his line of sight for the most part so it wasn’t that big of a deal anymore.

But this new attention on her body meant Lexa was having to put in more effort than she wanted to – and for Michael at that. She had to think twice about which bra or panties she was picking out in case he saw it that day, she had to spend longer in the shower making sure she was perfectly smooth so Michael wouldn’t have anything to complain about. Right after the wedding, there was one unsaid set night that they spent being intimate, and that gave Lexa a heads up. Even then, Michael didn’t spend much time doing anything but…getting in and getting out. Now he took more of his time, touched her all over in ways that made her feel sick, touched her and kissed her and enjoyed himself in a way he didn’t before. At the start of it, it was more of just another action, just another thing they did like watching the football game or eating dinner together – it was a task for Lexa and something Michael saw as a pass time.

Lexa let out a quiet sigh as Michael finally moved off of her and settled on the bed next to her on his side. Tonight wasn’t great, quite the opposite really and it was never good or pleasant to begin with. It was always varying levels of bad, some nights worse than others – but nothing that compared to their wedding night – and tonight was one of those nights. Lexa wasn’t in the mood, halfway through the day her mood dropped for no particular reason, leaving her feeling very low and upset and nothing short of fragile. So when Michael came home from work, Lexa kept her mouth shut and stayed out of the way, hoped that that would be enough to keep herself…safe.

And it worked for the most part, the evening went by just fine, Lexa managing to keep a lid on her emotions and keep her distance from Michael. But then they went to bed and there was really no question in what Michael had planned for tonight. And that also meant there was no saying no to him. She tried to tonight though, it wasn’t something she did anymore but she told him she wasn’t in the mood and that she wasn’t really feeling her best but none of that mattered. There was a reason Lexa didn’t bother resisting or saying no, or well, doing anything other than going along with what Michael wanted. Because all that did was make things feel a lot worse. Not to mention, he lasted longer tonight than most and Lexa was just left feeling gross and disgusted by herself for letting it happen.

“You didn’t have those before.”

Lexa turned her head to look at him, giving him a questioning look in the dimly lit room. “What?”

He still had his hand on her, something Lexa hadn’t been paying attention to until he lightly tapped on her skin under the comforter. “Stretch marks.” Michael answered. “Around your stomach,” There was something in his voice, in the way he said it that sounded like he was repulsed by it.

Lexa nodded slowly, she knew about them and she also knew that she didn’t have them a year ago. She wasn’t sure when she got them but they were definitely newer than the ones on her thighs and butt. Lexa had had those since she was a teenager – growth spurts and whatnot – they weren’t too visible but the ones on her lower abdomen were a bit more prominent. It was a little lighter than her skin, pale and silvery – same as the ones on her thighs and butt cheeks – but definitely deeper which made it easier to spot for Michael them.

“You’re not pregnant, why do you have them?”

Lexa only clenched her jaw, stopping herself from rolling her eyes. She hated the way he talked about her body, made her feel like an object and that was putting it kindly. Not to mention, his knowledge of how a woman’s body worked was…appalling. “I don’t know.” She answered quietly. “But that’s not the only reason stretch marks develop.”

“Why else then?” Michael asked, sounding almost irritated by her answer.

“I may have put on a little weight,” Lexa replied casually. It wasn’t much but she noticed it, and it seemed like whenever she gained any weight, it went straight to her belly. She was skinny in practically every sense of the word, some parts of her body were softer than others but Lexa wouldn’t describe her body type as anything but skinny or slim. Most of the fat though, seemed to accumulate in one place, and that was her lower stomach and hips. She had softer curves past her waist and truth be told, Lexa was mostly indifferent about it, she saw some parts of her body as problem areas, parts which stuck out and didn’t look the way she wanted to in certain clothing, but it was never anything too serious, nothing that bothered her too much.

“Then start watching what you eat.” Michael snipped back. “Just because you’re married now doesn’t mean you don’t have to continue to take care of yourself. I wouldn’t have married you if you were fat and I’m not going to deal with that now.”

“I’m not getting fat,” She couldn’t help but roll her eyes this time, because of course that would be the worst thing imaginable. Lexa only caught his gaze, hoping that Michael didn’t see how she rolled her eyes given how dark the room was. “It’s just a little extra weight.”

“Sure looks like it’s more than just a little extra.” Michael bit out, the hand still on Lexa’s stomach shifting to grip and squeeze the soft flesh instead, hard enough to know that it would hurt her. “Feels like it too.”

Lexa shifted under his hold, Michael not making any motion to let go but only squeezing harder. “It’s not a big deal.” She forced the words out, feeling the pain only getting worse as Michael continued to dig his fingers into her. “But I will be more careful,” She did her best to not wiggle, but he was gripping onto the softest part of her belly, right above the waistline, with every intention of hurting her, and all Lexa could do was pretend to not be bothered by it. She knew the bigger the reaction he got from her, the more he’d push.

He held her gaze instead of saying anything, a calmness in his eyes despite knowing how he was hurting his wife right now. Michael was a relatively strong man, and he was very good at finding the more sensitive spots on Lexa’s body.

“Can you please let go? That really hurts.” Lexa winced, doing her best to keep her voice from wavering.

“I hate touching this.” Michael continued like he had no idea what Lexa meant. “It feels disgusting.”

Then maybe you should let go, but Lexa didn’t reply, she didn’t really know what to say to that other than tell herself to hold it together. She hated the way he spoke about her body, it made her feel small and vulnerable and it only made it worse that he had his hand on her still naked body. It helped a little that he couldn’t still see her body, Lexa had the comforter pulled up to her chest at least.

“Aren’t there lotions and stuff for this?” Michael asked, “To make it go away?”

Lexa nodded, but she knew very well that there was nothing that made it go away entirely. “Yeah, but I haven’t tried any…”

Michael finally let go, letting his hand fall away from her. “Maybe you should.”

Chapter Text

Lexa found herself in front of the mirror after Michael left for work that morning. The easiest part of this relationship was supposed to be him finding her attractive, but Lexa couldn’t even do that; it seemed like only months into their marriage and he was getting bored of her. Maybe her parents were right, maybe the longer Michael spent with her, the more he would come to detest her. Yes, she didn’t like it when they got physical, Lexa practically hated being touched or even so much as looked at by him in certain ways but that didn’t matter because this was her duty as a married woman. She needed to keep him interested in her, needed to keep him happy, she was his wife after all, and right now, as she looked at herself in the mirror, Lexa could see why Michael said everything he did last night.

She had put on a little weight, the little tummy pouch slightly more prominent than the last time she had paid attention to it. It still wasn’t much, the difference not enough to be noticed when she was wearing anything, but now that she was looking at herself without a shirt on, Lexa could see why Michael found it gross to touch her there. The stretchmarks were deeper than the ones on her thighs and butt, just a shade lighter than her skin color – same as the others – but given that they were deeper, the texture was different to touch. She didn’t like to touch it herself, and it didn’t help that they were more visible to her than the other stretchmarks; the ones on her thighs and butt cheeks were technically on the back of her body, so they weren’t in her line of sight. Even when Lexa kept her eyes away from the ones on her stomack while changing, even just grazing her fingers against those ragged lines made her grimace.

There were a lot of marks on her body, and well, Lexa hated them all; whether it be scars that came from her dad, or self-inflicted, or stretchmarks, she wished she could get rid of them all. Her scars were her biggest source of physical insecurity, until now at least because Michael wasn’t as bothered by them anymore as he was by the deep silvery cracks on the underside of her belly. With her scars, Michael had more questions than anything else, he still avoided touching them, the one on her back, her arms, the inside of her thighs, Michael avoided them like they were toxic, pretending they didn’t exist. And well, Lexa didn’t blame him for it, she didn’t like acknowledging their existence so she was fine with him doing the same.

It was something she was worried about when her and Clarke were dating. Especially the first time they were intimate because she had shown up with bruises so the scars were the least of her worries. But she was upset that night, she was in a bad place, and Lexa was still grateful that Clarke hadn’t made a big deal out of them, that she saw Lexa wasn’t in the right state of mind to be talking about them. She had asked about the scars a couple of times after that night, never about the same ones twice, and never about the ones on her inner thighs because it was obvious that they were self-inflicted. But Clarke never shied away from them either, the very little time they spent together, Lexa didn’t miss the way Clarke didn’t treat any of the marks on her body the way Michael did. She’d touch them, and she would kiss them, and she wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, she would treat them no different to the rest of her skin.

But Lexa wasn’t sure if Clarke had seen the stretchmarks, it was always a dark enough room for it to have be missed and given that most of the time they couldn’t take it as slow as they had wanted to, she could have missed them. Not to mention the ones on her stomach were more recent, Lexa couldn’t pinpoint how recent but she wasn’t sure if they were as prominent then as they were now.

And looking at herself in the mirror now, Lexa didn’t really feel…desirable. She couldn’t see what Clarke saw in her, couldn’t see what Michael could potentially continue being attracted to – it had only been a couple of months and he was already getting bored of her and finding things to complain about – Lexa wasn’t sure how she was going to keep him interested in years to come.

It was a little nerve wracking if Lexa was being entirely honest. The last time she hung out with other people her own age…well, Lexa couldn’t actually remember when that was. It surely wasn’t after her and Michael got serious; Lexa had a small handful of friends from work and he didn’t like them so he made sure Lexa didn’t spend any more time with them than she had to. And once she stopped working, that was really it, after that it was just Michael and their families, and sometimes his friends. The only time Lexa has been around anyone else since moving to Arkadia was the night that they had Michael’s friends from work over for dinner.

And now that she thought about it, that sounded a lot sadder and a lot more concerning than she thought it to be. But it wasn’t that bad, it was what it had been like for most of Lexa’s life anyways; she never had too many friends, not in school, not in college, and tended to keep to herself for the most part. She wasn’t good with people, she was too awkward or too quiet or too anxious, Lexa never had an easy time socializing. There was a lot more to it, a lot that she wasn’t willing to unpack right now about her upbringing and her past that made it so.

Growing up she was always made to feel like a bother and a burden, never heard when she had something to say, ignored by the people around her because everyone in her hometown seemed to feel like there was something fundamentally wrong with her. So growing up with that, Lexa had no reason to question why she was so bad with people, why she was so quiet and took up so little space. She felt like she would bothering people by just talking to them, it made it very difficult for her to make friends and that ended up isolating her even further.

That’s why she was worried about tonight. It was Clarke’s birthday and Lexa was going out with her and her friends – people she had never met, people who were important to Clarke and she was more than just a little anxious about it. They were going out for dinner together and afterwards Lexa was coming back home while Clarke and her friends went out. That part wasn’t really her scene, actually she had never had the opportunity to even figure out if that was her scene. Nevertheless, she had to come back home, she couldn’t be out till that late and honestly it was a surprise to Lexa that Michael was even okay with her going out. But then again, according to him, he liked Clarke, figured that the daughter of a church committee member would do more good than harm for his wife.

“I’m going to head out.” Lexa said to Michael from the doorway to the living room. He was sitting on the couch, watching highlights of last weekend’s football game, still in his work clothes save for his tie and shoes. “Dinner’s on the table, just heat it up when you’re hungry.”

“Yeah, sounds good.” He nodded, eyes not leaving the TV screen but instead taking a sip of his beer. “When are you getting back?”

“Around ten?” Lexa answered uncertainly, there wasn’t really a set duration for dinner but that was the ballpark Clarke had given her. “Might be a little later.”

“Get back before eleven.” It wasn’t a question or a request, more an order.

“Of course.” Lexa gave a last nod and made her way to the door. She was taking an uber down there, Clarke had offered to pick her up and drop her off – and drop her car off too because she knew she would be drinking tonight – but Lexa didn’t want her to have to take the trouble and waste that much of her time.

It was a short ride to the restaurant they were meeting at, no more than fifteen minutes and Lexa could feel her heart thumping in her chest as she entered the building. She was on time, on the minute actually, she didn’t like being late and would rather that not be the first impression she made on Clarke’s friends. Shaking away her anxious thoughts, Lexa gave a polite smile to the hostess who pointed her in the general direction of where Clarke would be. It didn’t take much effort to find her, a smile coming onto her face the moment her eyes met Clarke’s.

“Hi!” Clarke beamed as she saw her, a part of her was worried that Lexa wouldn’t be able to make it tonight. She didn’t tend to go out or do much of anything on her own when Michael was at home. “I’m so glad you made it.”

“Happy birthday,” Lexa said, letting Clarke hug her in greeting. “This is for you.” She handed her the giftbag she was holding as they came apart; Lexa had been on the edge of her seat all of yesterday because one of the presents she had ordered for Clarke was running late and Lexa was worried that it wouldn’t get here in time. It did, just barely, it got here this morning.

“What is it?” Clarke asked, peaking inside and trying to look past the packaging tissue.

Before Lexa could say anything, someone cleared their throat from their seat at the table, clearing asking for Clarke’s attention. Clarke turned her head immediately at her friend, “Are you going to introduce us or…?”

“Right, of course.” Clarke nodded, setting the bag down and leading Lexa to the chair next to her’s. “Octavia this is Lexa.” She said to the woman who gave Lexa a smile and held her hand out. “And Lexa, this is my friend Octavia.”

“I was wondering when we’d get to meet you.” Octavia said as they shook hands and Lexa sat down.

“If it was up to me, never.” Clarke joked. “They can be a lot,” She quipped to Lexa under her breath, biting back a smile at the way Octavia rolled her eyes. “And this is Lincoln,” Clarke nodded towards the man walking towards their table. “Octavia’s boyfriend.”

“You must be Lexa,” He said as he approached them, a warm smile on his face. “We were starting to think you weren’t real.”

Octavia nodded, “Clarke talks about you a lot but would not let us meet you.”

“You talk about me?” Lexa turned to Clarke, fighting the warmth in her cheeks.

“Yes, I do.”

Clarke was a little glad that Lexa was a little early. Raven and Luna tended to be late almost always and it was probably going to be easier for Lexa to take them all in gradually rather than all at once. Her friends were intense, they could be a lot, and Clarke didn’t want to overwhelm Lexa – they meant well but they could be a little intimidating, especially if you were meeting them for the first time. Lincoln was a new addition to their group and he was definitely a lot calmer than the rest, and Clarke was glad that he was here tonight, it helped to balance them out.

Raven and Luna arrived about ten minutes later, Clarke introducing Lexa to them. Luna knew Lexa, well, knew of her, and it seemed like Lexa had seen her at the museum too. Raven was on her best behavior tonight, Clarke had made sure to tell both her and Octavia to tone is down a little because Lexa wasn’t used to them and she didn’t want to overwhelm her. Which they were fine with, and it did look like the evening was off to a good start.

It was a little nerve wracking at the start but Lexa found herself relaxing by the time their drinks came to the table. Clarke’s friends were nice, they were easy to talk to and within minutes really, she didn’t feel like a stranger anymore. Raven was the most…eccentric, she was excitable and a little loud but mostly, fun. Octavia complimented her really well, their sense of humor seemed to be very similar, if not the same, and Lexa could see a bond there from only knowing them for less than an hour. Luna was less intense than Raven – but Lexa figured anyone would be when placed next to Raven – she was very warm and welcoming, and made Lexa feel a lot less nervous. Lincoln was easily the calmest one here, he was quiet compared to his girlfriend and as nice as he seemed, Lexa found it a bit harder to talk to him than with the others.

“So, Lexa you’re coming out with us tonight?” Luna asked just as their food arrived to the table.

“Umm, no, I’m not.” Lexa answered a little uncertainly.

“Oh come on, I know it’s a weeknight but we have a good enough excuse to make poor decisions tonight.” Raven added with a shrug.

“I wish I could.” Lexa responded. “But my husband’s waiting up for me, I’m heading home after dinner.”

“You’re married?” Octavia asked.

Clarke stiffened slightly at the question, she hadn’t mentioned it to any of her friends because well…it didn’t come up. And a part of her didn’t want to mention it because she wanted Lexa to not just have a nice night but also a night away from Michael. Clarke was more than just a little familiar with Lexa’s relationship with her husband, and she did take any opportunity she could to bring Lexa out of it and away from it so she could just have a good time. She knew Lexa liked being away from the house, away from him, and as brief as it was, feel like her life was her own. So she didn’t tell her friends Lexa was married, it wasn’t relevant to anything and now that it had been mentioned, Clarke didn’t want it to upset Lexa.

Lexa nodded at Octavia, momentarily holding up her hand to show the ring with a forced smile before putting it back down.

“Ask him to join us.” Lincoln supplied with a shrug.

“He has work in the morning.” Lexa shook her head. “Besides, I don’t think it’s his scene.”

“Boo,” Raven added jokingly, “That’s no fun.”

Clarke shot her a look, lightly kicking her under the table; despite it having been a joke, she didn’t want it to unintentionally upset Lexa. “I’m going to be absolutely useless at work tomorrow.” She said instead, taking the attention away from Michael.

“Hungover Clarke is no fun.” Luna agreed. “There’s not going to be much that gets done at the museum tomorrow.”

The rest of the evening went by quite well, and Clarke would definitely say it was a success. Yes, this was the first time Lexa was meeting her friends, and the first time they were meeting Lexa so a part of her was a little nervous about how the night was going to go. She knew her friends, they were amazing and some of the most important people in Clarke’s life but she also knew how they could sometimes come off as, especially to people who didn’t know them. So it was a relief really to see Lexa not just get along with them but enjoy herself too.

It was something Clarke hadn’t seen before, she hadn’t seen Lexa around too many people, the last being Michael’s friends and their wives and it was very clear that Lexa was not having a good time with them. But she was with Raven, Luna, and Octavia. Lexa looked…free, she was smiling and speaking without holding back or overthinking, she was rolling her eyes with Luna at Raven’s jokes, and well, she looked happy. There wasn’t much more Clarke wanted out of tonight than that, as far as present went, she didn’t think anything could be sweeter than the light in Lexa’s eyes while she smiled around her glass at yet another inappropriate comment made by Raven.

Okay maybe this triumphed it all, she was speaking with Octavia when an entirely new sound caught her attention. It was a laugh, a happy and carefree laugh that Clarke had never heard until now. It might as well be a stranger’s but it came from right next to her, and it tugged at Clarke’s heart and made her smile in a way no stranger ever could. She turned her head in its direction, finding Lexa – and Luna – laughing at something Raven just said. Eyes closed and head thrown back, nothing holding her back as she actually, truly, laughed. It wasn’t something Clarke had seen before, something she’d heard before, but right now in this moment, Clarke decided that this was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen and she would do whatever it took to make her laugh as often as possible.

“What?” Lexa asked after a moment, Raven and Luna having moved on to something else and Lexa turning her attention to Clarke.

“What?” Clarke questioned, not sure what Lexa was asking her.

“You’re staring.”

Clarke nodded, huffing out a small laugh herself. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you laugh.” She told her. “Like till…right now.”

Lexa thought about it for a moment. “To be honest,” She started in a quieter voice so only Clarke could hear her. “I don’t think I remember the last time I did.” She took a sip of her drink, not wanting to dampen the mood and returned her voice to normal. “I think your friends like me.”

Clarke smiled back at her in response, Lexa looked like she was having a good time, there was a lightness about her that Clarke had seen very few times. “I think they do, yes.” She nodded. “Which is good because if they didn’t approve, we couldn’t hang out anymore.” She added jokingly.

Lexa responding with an eye roll, easily picking up on Clarke’s playful tone and matching it, “Well, then I’m so relieved I passed the board’s review.”

“I know they can be a lot sometimes,” Clarke’s voice changed to a more serious one, leaning in closer to Lexa and speaking quietly. “So if it gets too much for you, just give me a nudge, we can step outside and get some air or whatever you need.”

“I think I’m okay.” Lexa nodded, touched by the offer, by the fact that Clarke cared so much about her, even when it came to her own friends. “But thank you.” She gave her a smile, feeling Clarke’s knee brush against her own and Lexa couldn’t help but wonder whether it was an accident or not – especially when it didn’t move away but stayed against her’s. “It’s been a while since I have been out like this,” With people I actually liked, with people who actually liked me, but Lexa left that part unsaid, not wanting to bring the mood down.

“I’m really glad you’re having a good time.” Clarke’s smile widened as she spoke, her eyes bright and warm as her hand mindlessly went to rest on Lexa’s arm. “I don’t think I could’ve asked for a better birthday present.”

Chapter Text

Lexa stifled a yawn as she plated Michael’s breakfast and stepped away from the stove and towards the table. It had been a quiet morning so far, she was on schedule with pretty much everything and Michael had only just sat down before she was setting the plate down in front of him. It was the usual breakfast and Lexa still wondered how he could stomach so much grease first thing in the morning – it couldn’t be good for him, not every single day. Well, if I’m lucky it’ll take him to an early grave, Lexa couldn’t help but tell herself as she stepped away to get his coffee, knowing very well it was just wishful thinking.

It didn’t take any conscious thought or effort as she grabbed two mugs from the overhead cupboard and prepared one for herself and another for Michael. Lexa was still a little too sleepy to be entirely paying attention to anything she was doing and was happy to just let her body take over on practically autopilot – it was a long night for her. For no reason particularly but just that she couldn’t sleep, she spent hours tossing and turning in bed before falling asleep mere minutes after the sun started to come up.

She returned with his mug first, leaving her’s on the counter and deciding against it for now – Lexa wanted to be able to get a couple of hours of sleep after he left so it was best to skip the coffee at the moment. Setting the mug down next to Michael’s plate, Lexa turned around, about to pull the chair out to sit down herself. But a hand suddenly on her ass made her jump. He had been getting more touchy and physical and Lexa hated it so much but she could tolerate it most times of the day, not in the morning it seemed though, she was tired and groggy and the last thing she wanted was her husband groping her.

“Can you not do that, please?” Lexa said a little too curtly, only realizing it after the words had left her.

“What?” Michael balked at her as she took a step back away from him. “And why not?” He sounded genuinely surprised, he couldn’t quiet comprehend her denying something he wanted.

“Because I’m not in the mood, not this early in the day.” Lexa answered, softening her tone and hoping it made up for biting back like that. She didn’t mean to, her brain was still catching up on just being awake, all she wanted was to be back in bed but Lexa knew that wasn’t enough of an excuse to behave like that with Michael.

Michael huffed out a laugh in disbelief, Lexa wasn’t far enough away from him, just about arm’s length. So instead of saying anything just yet, he reached out and grabbed her wrist harshly and quicker than Lexa could step away. “You’re my wife,” He told her coldly, “I can do what I want, whenever I want.”

Lexa let out a small breath, doing her best to keep herself calm. “Yes,” She agreed, “At night, in the evening, whenever you want. But just…not in the morning.” She wasn’t used to saying no to him, and well, Michael wasn’t used to hearing it. It wasn’t technically a no, but rather asking for it to be later. However, it was still her opposing Michael and that didn’t tend to go too well.

Michael scoffed, pushing his chair back from the table slightly. Now with more space between him and the table, he yanked her towards him and down to sit on his lap. His free hand went to her waist, holding onto her forcefully to stay still. Lexa tried to resist, tried to move and possibly get up and put a little distance between herself and Michael but it was to no avail. She could feel his grip unforgiving and almost painful, all but feeling the bruises developing that Lexa knew she would get to see by tonight. If anything, her trying to resist only made him hold onto her harder and Lexa finally gave in, stiffening as she stopped moving entirely.

“You’re my wife,” Michael repeated, slower this time, his voice cold as his hand let go of Lexa’s wrist and instead came up to grab the soft spot right below her jawline, his index and thumb on either sides of her face as he squeezed hard, causing her to let out a whimper. “I can touch you however I want, whenever I want.” His lips were right next to her ear, voice low and threatening, “Or did you forget your place?”

Lexa could feel the anxiety bubbling inside her, her body stiff and breathing controlled. Yes, she had been getting used to him being more and more sexual but it was a little too early in the morning for it. Besides, this was the first time Michael so casually touched her like that and it caught Lexa off guard. “No I–” But he stopped her, squeezing a little harder, making it impossible for her to speak and Lexa had to swallow back a groan.

Michael didn’t say anything else, only held on with as much force as he could muster in this awkward position, it almost felt like he was determined to leave a bruise. Lexa didn’t speak either, staying as still as possible and being entirely too aware of the way her throat bobbed against the palm of his hand every time she nervously swallowed in an attempt to keep herself quiet.

“I’m going to be late,” Michael’s voice returned to normal, speaking after a long minute as his hand let go of Lexa’s face. He almost pushed her off of his lap but Lexa was up before he could, springing up to her feet and taking a couple of steps away the first chance she got.

“You didn’t eat.” Lexa commented carefully, wanting to apologize for ruining his mood first thing in the morning.

Michael only looked down at the plate, a look of disgust in his face as he picked it up. “I’m not hungry anymore.” He bit out, letting go if it and letting the plate fall onto the kitchen floor, immediately shattering into pieces with the food flying off.

Lexa jumped at the sudden noise, her instincts making her take half a step back as Michael headed towards the door. “Michael I’m s-”

“Shut up,” His voice was cold and sharp, silencing Lexa. “We’ll pick this up after I get home, I think you need to be reminded of your place in this relationship.”

“I’m sorry-”

“I didn’t ask you to speak.” His eyes flicked between the broken plate of food on the floor and Lexa. “And clean that up.”

Clarke couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was, but she was having a pretty good day so far. It wasn’t a busy day at the museum – much like most weekdays – she had gotten up before her alarm went off this morning, and even managed to stop by Grounders for coffee before coming into work. Her mornings tended to be rushed more times than not, Clarke managing to make it to the museum a minute or two before she’s meant to start so today was a pleasant change of pace.

She had one meeting later today, but that wasn’t until after her lunch break, and Clarke took the slow day to make her rounds through the museum. She loved working here, loved being surrounded by the art, loved being able to step out of the office and see masterpieces. Every now and then Clarke even took her laptop out of the office and opted to do work in one of the galleries instead, it was a nice change of scenery, and helped her feel a little more motivated to get through work when she was surrounded by art rather than beige walls. Besides, it was her job to make sure the museum was running smoothly and giving a worthy experience to their patrons, and she couldn’t do that if she didn’t take the time to go around the building looking at the artwork from time to time.

So Clarke went about walking through the galleries, admiring the pieces she had seen numerous times but were amazed by just the same every time. She came to a halt at a very familiar but new addition to the museum floor, Monet’s Un Bras de Seine près de Vétheuil, and let out a small sigh as she found herself glued to the floor in front of it. It was a beautiful painting, sure it wasn’t the original but it was a remarkable duplicate. That wasn’t why she was frozen to her spot though, the painting had only been moved to the floor from the back last week, and Clarke hadn’t had the heart to come see it because all it did was remind her of Lexa.

They shared their first kiss standing over it, shared their first real moment together because of it. It was the start of something Clarke could have never expected, never imagined. And even now, despite everything that had happened and despite everything she was trying to tell herself, Clarke had some very real feelings for the woman who made her heart skip a beat by just saying the painting’s name. The logical part of her brain had no say in the matter, it was her heart that was guiding her, and Clarke was so tempted to just give into it, to just say fuck it to everything else and tell Lexa she wanted her and that they would find a way to make it work.

But that would be a lie.

They couldn’t possibly make it work, not with the situation Lexa was in. If she was just married to someone, there would have been a way out, there would have been some sort of hope because then at least Lexa would have the prospect of leaving them. But it wasn’t as simple, men like Michael rarely did make it possible – let alone easy – for their partners to leave to them. Not only that, there was the overwhelming influence Lexa’s parents had on her life too. If Clarke did somehow manage to convince and promise Lexa that she could safely leave Michael, she would never be able to promise her she would be able to do the same from her parents. She saw what happened that one week they were here; Clarke’s body still went cold at the thought of her dad strangling her to the point that it left bruises on her throat.

Her finger twirled around the golden chain around her neck as she thought about it, thought about Lexa, and the more she did the more questions she found herself asking. The chain was one of the two presents she got from Lexa on her birthday, there was a pendent on it with five stars on a dark background clearly marking out her favorite constellation. She didn’t think Lexa would have remembered Clarke telling her what it was called, and when Clarke opened the little box, she almost teared up at how thoughtful the gift was. The other was a leatherbound sketchbook with her initials engraved on the bottom corner of the cover, and Clarke would be lying if she said the first drawing in it wasn’t a sketch of a truly gorgeous body with curves she was intimately familiar with.

With a final sigh, Clarke tore her eyes away from the painting and blinked a couple of times to try and clear her mind of any more thoughts of Lexa. Stepping away and finally making her way out of the gallery, Clarke decided to return to her office. It was a familiar path, well known hallways and galleries she had walked through countless times to the back of the building where all the office spaces were. The further she went, the quieter it got, the galleries deeper into the museum weren’t visited by many, hosting the less popular paintings and statues – some of very much subpar quality – that had been around for longer than she cared to find out. It could do with a revamping, Clarke had some plans but given the museum’s foot traffic, she knew her ideas and energy were better placed in the most accessible galleries and rooms.

That’s why Clarke’s ears perked up when she heard a noise coming from the hallway to her right. It was connecting two galleries Clarke could swear have had three patrons – at most – since she started working here, so any sort of sound coming from there was a little suspicious. It was the hallway to the east and Clarke was about to leave through the south of the large room but turned around to investigate instead. She couldn’t quite recognize the sound, couldn’t tell what it was, so with furrowed brows, Clarke headed in that direction. What she didn’t expect to find was someone sitting on the floor with their back against the wall and knees pulled to their chest. Clarke was taken aback by it, they had their head down against their knees so she couldn’t see their face but the closer she got, the worse the feeling in the pit of her stomach got that she knew this person.

“Lexa?” Clarke breathed out the moment she recognized her, immediately picking up her pace and rushing to her side.

Lexa didn’t seem to hear her, and Clarke could see the shaky rise and fall of her back with every quiet sob. She knelt down at her side, hand reaching up and going on her arm without thinking. It proved to be a mistake because the moment she came in contact with her, Lexa jumped, head snapping up and almost leaping to her feet. “Hey, it’s okay, it’s me.” Clarke reassure immediately, not letting go but gently squeezing her arm to keep her from moving away.

“Clarke,” Lexa forced the word out, her voice strained and quiet as she blinked in quick succession to clear her vision past the tears still clinging on.

Clarke wasn’t sure what she wanted to ask first; she wanted to know what was wrong, what Lexa was doing here, why she was so upset, what had happened but instead of bombarding her with questions, she decided to get her somewhere a bit more private. “Come on, let’s go to my office.” She didn’t wait for a reply, helping Lexa up on her feet as she spoke.

Lexa didn’t resist, she only gave Clarke a short nod, letting her help her stand up. She felt a little shaky on her feet, her knees buckling for a moment causing her to grab onto Clarke’s arm to stay steady.

“Okay?” Clarke asked once she was completely upright, waiting for her to nod before starting to walk.

They walked in silence the minute it took to reach her office, Clarke figuring it was best to get somewhere private being talking. It was clear that something was wrong, not only was Lexa upset – something that was more common than Clarke would like to admit – but she looked entirely too physically unstable as well. She opened the door and gently led her inside, her hand moving from Lexa’s arm to the small of her back as she kicked the door shut and walked her towards the chair at her desk.

She pulled it back from the table, turning the swivel chair to face away from it before leading Lexa to sit her down. Clarke stepped away without saying anything, walking over the minifridge a few feet away and opening it to grab a bottle of water for Lexa. She returned, uncapping it and handing it wordlessly to her, hoping it would help calm her down enough to speak. It was something her dad used to do when she got upset as a kid; it started when she was only a toddler, and he kept doing it well into her teen years, and well, Clarke found herself doing it even as an adult. Jake used to give her a glass of water when she was crying, telling her to drink, and Clarke putting her attention on the small action would often mean diverting it from whatever it was upsetting her. And it still worked now, Clarke knew her body had to calm down the sobs and hiccups to be able to drink.

Clarke watched as Lexa took it from her and took a tentative sip, her hands still trembling slightly. She knelt down in front of her as she steadied herself, hands going on either sides on the armrests, figuring it would be less intimidating and less overwhelming than towering over her by standing. “What’s going on?” She asked her quietly, looking up at her with worried eyes. “What happened?”

Lexa set the bottle down on the table, taking in a sharp breath before trying to answer. “I-” But she stopped as soon as she started, a choked sob cutting her off, quickly turning into her crying once again.

Clarke pushed herself up to her feet, not speaking but standing up and wrapping her arms around Lexa and holding her close. Lexa didn’t resist, her arms coming up on their own to hold onto Clarke as she felt herself completely letting go at the contact. It was something she needed so badly, the warmth of Clarke’s hug, being held, being so close to someone who made her feel so safe and secure and lo- Lexa stopped herself before she could finish that thought, instead just taking in a deep breath between the cries to press her face closer against Clarke.

“I got you, Lex.” Clarke told her softly, resting her chin on the top of Lexa’s head as she held her and let her cry.

She wanted to know what had happened, wanted to know why she was so upset, but Clarke knew Lexa wouldn’t be able to say much until she had gotten all her emotions out, and the least she could do to help was reassure her and comfort her and let her know that she wasn’t alone. So she only held her, waited patiently as the minutes ticked by and Lexa finally began to calm down. Clarke didn’t rush her or even move away, gave Lexa the time and affection she clearly needed right now before she finally felt Lexa bring herself away with a sniffle.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked, reaching up and gently wiping the tears from Lexa’s cheek.

Lexa only nodded in response, not meeting her gaze and Clarke lowered herself onto her knees in front of the chair again. “I didn’t mean for you to find me like that.” Lexa finally spoke, voice breathy and just about audible.

Clarke waved it off; that wasn’t a problem, she had told Lexa over and over again that she never needed to apologize for feeling what she was, for being human and letting her emotions out. Regardless of how bad it was, regardless of how heavy Lexa thought she was on Clarke, Clarke had promised to always be there for her. “Tell me what happened, please.”

Lexa let a beat of silence pass, chewing on the inside of her cheek as she finally looked at Clarke and found the words she wanted to get out. “I’m scared to go home tonight.”

And just like that, Clarke was a lot more worried. It was past the bleak sadness she felt for Lexa after finding her in the hallway and now onto something that felt a lot more urgent and scary. “Why?”

“I fucked up this morning.” Lexa stated hesitantly. “Michael touched me and I asked him not to.” She added, her tone making it seem like it was clearly her fault for things having gone wrong.

“You’re allowed to say no, Lexa.” Clarke responded, “I’m sure that didn’t anger him.”

“Yes it did,” Lexa argued, immediately regretting it and reminding herself how that ended this morning. So fixing her tone, she explained, “He got angry. Actually, at first he was surprised that I would even think to say no to him or ask him not to do something he wanted to.” Her voice quieted as she finished, letting out a small sigh and turning her eyes away from Clarke’s. “Besides, what was I even trying to achieve by doing that? It was stupid, it’s like I was trying to piss him off.”

“You’re allowed to say no.” Clarke repeated. “You’re not obligated to go along with whatever he wants.”

“Of course I am.” Her shoulders slumped as her eyes met Clarke’s gaze again. “He’s my husband, Clarke. There are certain things I have to do, certain things that are just expected of me and…this is one of them.”

“It’s still your body, you still get to have a say in it.”

Lexa shook her head, it couldn’t possibly make sense to someone who hadn’t experienced it, “I don’t.” If she was in Clarke’s shoes, Lexa was certain she wouldn’t get it either. “I gave up that privilege when I said I do. I got married and I practically handed myself over to him.” Saying that out loud made something shift inside her, suddenly being overcome with an intense desire to cry again. It was true, that was exactly what had happened; her parents handed her off to Michael, gave her to him. They had admitted that too, that was the whole purpose of this relationship, it was the reason they set her up with him, it was so that there would be someone to keep her in check and keep her in line and prevent her from straying from the path of god.

“That’s…” Clarke didn’t know what was sadder, the way Lexa said it or the reality of her words. Maybe it was both because Clarke could feel her eyes filling with tears as she listened to Lexa speak. She wanted to say that’s not true or you always have a choice, but Clarke knew about Lexa’s situation well enough to know that that would be a lie. So instead Clarke looked down at Lexa’s hands, moving her’s from the armrest and going to silently take her’s. “Is there any way I can help?” She asked her quietly, her thumbs gently stroking the back of Lexa’s hand.

Lexa sighed as she lowered her head, letting it hang as she shook it without saying anything. “I don’t want to go home tonight.” She told Clarke again, her hair falling over her face and hiding the tears which were rolling down her cheeks yet again. “Michael was so mad, but he was running late for work and told me we’d pick it up after he got home and I…” A sniffle made her pause, needing a moment before continuing. “I’m just so fucking stupid. I don’t know when to just keep my mouth shut.”

“No,” Clarke shook her head, speaking earnestly and doing her best to put in as much emphasis as she could. “No you’re not.”

“They’re all right about me.” Lexa went on, almost like she hadn’t heard Clarke. “I’m always messing up and making things harder for myself than they need to.” One of her hands slipped out of Clarke’s before she could realize it, Lexa smacking herself on the forehead with it instead as she continued, “Just so fucking stupid and pathetic-”

“Hey, hey, stop.” Clarke reached up, grabbing her wrist firmly and bringing it away. “Please don’t talk about yourself like that.” She tried to tell her. “It’s not true.”

Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat, raising her head and looking at Clarke who still had her hand wrapped around her wrist. “I wouldn’t have let myself get pulled into this situation if it wasn’t.” She told her tiredly. “Anyone with half an ounce of intelligence or even common sense wouldn’t be trapped in whatever my life turned out to be.”

Chapter Text

It had started the moment Michael returned home from work. Lexa didn’t even get the chance to try and talk him down or apologize or do something to try and make it up to him for the way she acted this morning. She had been scared the entire day, anxiously waiting for him to arrive and Lexa did all she could to make the house as inviting as possible in an attempt to appease him. Dinner was ready, the house was spotless, his favorite beer was chilling the fridge, and Lexa had even gotten snacks on her way back from the museum for Michael to enjoy while he watched TV after dinner.

But none of that did her any favors, he didn’t even care to look at any of it before Lexa found herself on the floor with the side of her face stinging and red with a handprint on it. She barely managed to get two words out before Michael was dragging her up the stairs by her arm, his grip on her harsh and violent, squeezing hard enough for Lexa to feel like it was cutting off blood flow to her hands. He didn’t say anything; Michael was not a man of many words and preferred to let his actions speak for him more times than not. And Lexa always knew him not speaking or so much as uttering a single word upon seeing her meant he was truly angry.

Her pleas and begs fell to deaf ears, Michael not listening to anything she had to say as he let his fists do the talking. Lexa felt powerless beneath him, feeling one strike after the next, closed fists to her body and open palmed back handed slaps to her face, his way of reminding Lexa of her place in this household, in this relationship.

But soon enough, that wasn’t enough, Michael throwing her down onto the floor before undoing the belt of his trousers and pulling it out from the loops. More times than not, Michael stuck to just his hands, he would kick her when she was down if he was in a particularly violent mood. But sometimes he would use other objects, only in very severe situations, and Lexa could count on one hand the times he had used something to beat her with – last time it was a wooden coat hanger and Lexa was left tending to welts and bruises for weeks to come.

“Michael please,” Lexa gasped out breathlessly after a number of strikes, her eyes burning and tears staining her cheeks. “Pl-” She was cut off with another loud smack of his belt, Lexa being too preoccupied to block it from her face and having it hit her dangerously close to her eyes this time, leaving a long mark across her right cheek. Nevertheless she was backing to sputtering out pleas and apologizes, asking him to stop.

Michael withdrew the belt, his free hand going to grab her by the jaw and jerking her up from the floor. “Did I ask you to talk?” He barked at her, fingers leaving marks on the soft skin on the underside of her jaw as he glared into Lexa’s bloodshot eyes, her desperately trying to not make eye contact. “Look at me when I talk to, Alexandria.” Michael’s voice was quieter this time, cold and threatening.

Lexa felt her lips tremble in fear as she turned her eyes up to meet his, just barely holding herself up on her knees as the tears continued to spill. He looked so calm and composed, an intensity in his eyes that looked an awful lot like passion and desire, like he was not only enjoying the power trip but hurting her too. It was such a stark contrast to how she looked and felt right now, weak and hurt and afraid, scared to so much speak anymore. “I’m sor-”

Michael didn’t let her finish, letting go of her jaw and using the hand to slap her hard enough across the face that it had Lexa falling back onto the floor. “You don’t speak unless I ask you to.” He told her, towering over her with a fire in his eyes that made Lexa fear for what was to come next. “What about that is so hard to understand?”

All she was trying to do was apologize, trying to say something, do something that would at least make him ease down if not stop. But none of it worked, Lexa trying to speak only made things worse and before she knew it, the strap of leather was coming in contact with the side of her chest with a loud crack. Lexa closed her eyes at the impact out of reflex, her arms going up to shield her face. She would have cried out as the belt made contact with her yet again, but Lexa was entirely too spent and tired to do much more than choke out a pained groan.

Her eyes opened when she heard a small thud, letting her know that Michael had dropped the belt onto the floor. Cautiously and slowly, Lexa turned her eyes up, only looking down at his legs because she was afraid to meet his gaze. He only seemed to stand there, watching her in silence as a heavy tense silence loomed over them. Lexa took a chance, tilting her head up to get a better look at him, to try and get any indication of what he might do next. And that all but made her blood run cold because the moment Lexa looked up at him, Michael reached for the button of his trousers, undoing the fly.

Before she could ask, Michael grabbed her wrist, pulling her up on her feet in a rough motion and threw her onto the bed.

“Michael, what are you d-” Lexa tried to ask as she fell onto the bed on her front.

“You tried to stop me this morning from just touching you.” Michael reminded, hand on her back, pushing her face down and stopping her from speaking. “So let’s see how much more you enjoy this, bitch.” His hands went on either sides of Lexa’s pants, grabbing the waistband and haphazardly pulling it down past her thighs.

She wanted to protest, wanting to thrash around and kick her legs in an attempt to deter him. But that wouldn’t help, that wouldn’t make him stop, it wouldn’t even make him pause so her response came almost automatically, Lexa’s body going limp the moment her brain registered what was about to happen. She felt her pants come down, Michael pulling it down to her ankles before he got closer.

Lexa closed her eyes and placed her face down against the mattress, squeezing her eyes shut as Michael pushed her legs apart and his hands went on her butt cheeks, roughly groping them before spreading them apart. Lexa only took a deep breath, trying to steady herself; this wasn’t the way nights like this ended, she couldn’t think of one other time where Michael decided to have sex with her after he was done beating her. But she knew well enough to know there was nothing she could do to stop it and the only way to make it a little less unpleasant and a little less uncomfortable was by not fighting it.

However her eyes shot open the moment she felt Michael’s tip pressing against…the wrong entrance. “Michael what are you doing?” Lexa asked in a panic, trying to move her upper body up to look at him.

But Michael shoved her back onto the bed, “Shut it,” He snapped. “You’re my wife, your place is beneath me,” He pushed further in, ignoring the way Lexa screamed into the bed, flailing and wriggling under him in an attempt to fight him off. But it was to no avail, he was much larger and much stronger than she was – trying to fight him off never worked. “And you seem to forget that.” Michael’s grip on the soft flesh hardened, fingers digging in and nails leaving indents as he forced more of himself inside her.

“Please stop,” Lexa choked out, chest heaving as a completely new and indescribable pain overtook her. “Please,”

“Quite.” Michael spoke past a moan, “You do as you’re told, you don’t tell me no, you don’t tell me to stop.” His voice was the calmest it had been all night, speaking to her quietly. “You belong to me Alexandria, and don’t you forget it.”

He was finally asleep, Lexa figured it took a lot out of a person to beat their partner to a pulp and then…nervermind, she shook the her head and stopped her train of thought. At least now though, she was finally alone. Well, Lexa was still in bed with him and it felt like she couldn’t spend another moment in this room. It felt suffocating, she felt trapped, and Lexa was sure if she didn’t get up and leave right this second, she would be caught in the middle of a panic attack – and right now, that was the last thing she needed or had the energy to deal with.

So gritting her teeth and doing her best to ignore the pain, Lexa pushed herself off the bed and very quietly made her way out of the room and down the stairs. Everything hurt, every muscle in her body was screaming when she had been lying down and now moving made it so much worse. Lexa was almost certain that this was one of the worst nights she has had with Michael, if not the worst, and the way her body felt as it moved was a testament to that. Lexa didn’t know what hurt the most, or what the main source of her pain was, Michael wasn’t kind to her tonight and she did pay for acting out this morning, but even by his standards he went a little overboard.

The cold November air felt nice against her skin as she stepped out onto the backyard. Lexa would like to ice practically every inch of her body right now and this seemed to be a close alternative. It was close to freezing outside tonight and Lexa was wearing nothing more than a thick flannel shirt and matching pajama bottoms, and given any other circumstances this would not be enough but right now it felt good. She didn’t even have it in her to walk up to the bench they had on the decked area of the backyard, but just found herself sitting down on the cold damp grass with her back against the brick wall.

Lexa closed her eyes, trying to calm her nerves and took a deep breath. But that proved to be a mistake as she winced in pain, letting out a small whimper at the way her chest felt at it expanding. She clenched her jaw, ignoring the tears stinging the back of her eyes, thinking to herself how she was certain she was all cried out tonight, at this point Lexa was sure there were not tears left in her.

She didn’t know what she was feeling, if anything Lexa was afraid to let herself feel everything at all. It had been a bad night, there was no doubt about that but Lexa was doing her best to remain strong, to hold onto some form of dignity because Michael had taken as much of it as he could have. She might be his wife but in no way were they equals, Lexa was always beneath him, Michael holding all the power. She wasn’t even a person to him, she was nothing more than an object, something he had acquired from her father, something that only existed to serve him and keep him happy – like he said, she belonged to him. How she felt never mattered, not now, not before with her family, she was always just expected to be the person everyone else wanted and needed her to be. And well, Lexa was tired, she was upset and she was tired and she wholeheartedly believed it to be true.

There was one person who didn’t make her feel like that though, the one person Lexa felt safe with, the one person she could be herself around. It was late now, a little past 3am and Lexa was certain that Clarke was asleep but well…she needed to talk to her, needed to hear her voice, and just…be told something other than what she had to hear all night long.

So she brought out her phone, hands trembling and fingers just barely steady enough to tap on the correct name. It was cold after all, and Lexa wanted to believe that was the reason behind her hands shaking but once she had managed to call Clarke, she held the phone to her ear, hoping and praying that she would answer. It was a lot to ask for right now, it was late, Clarke had work in the morning, she was asleep and as much as Lexa didn’t want to wake her up, she needed to hear her voice.

Lexa waited, listening to the call ring again and again until it went to voicemail. No answer, she sighed to herself, but called again, not wanting to give up just yet.

“Pick up, pick up, pick up,” Lexa muttered to herself, redialing for the third time and anxiously waiting. She wouldn’t try again if Clarke didn’t answer this time, it was clear that she was asleep and her phone was possibly on silent so she wouldn’t hear it.

Just as Lexa was about to give up, the ringing stopped, not going to voicemail but rather being answered. It was silent for a few moments, Lexa not entirely confident in her ability to speak without bursting out in tears, and if anything it seemed like Clarke was waiting her to say something.

“Lexa?” Clarke finally spoke, not sure if she was even on the line because the call had been connected for a solid ten seconds at least and she hadn’t said anything. “What’s wrong?” She asked when she heard a sniffle in place of a greeting. “Are you okay?”

Lexa let out a small sigh, steadying herself before answering honestly. “No.” She shook her head to herself, doing her best to keep her voice from wavering. “I’m not okay, Clarke.”

“What happened?” Clarke asked urgently, sitting up in her bed, suddenly being overcome with a terrible feeling of dread. “Talk to me.”

“I’m sorry I woke you up.” Lexa apologized instead, voice trembling and giving away the fact that she was crying. “I just feel so alone right now and there’s no one else I can talk to.”

“It’s okay.” Clarke assured. “You don’t have to apologize Lex, or explain anything. I’m here for you.” She did her best to keep her tone soft and gentle, but Clarke was anxiously waiting for Lexa to tell her what had happened.

Lexa took a deep breath, leaning her head back and resting it against the wall. “I’m in so much pain Clarke.” She admitted quietly, feeling guilty about speaking it out loud but also needing to get it out. It always felt wrong to say it aloud, to speak out loud anything Michael did; like it was a secret, like it was something no one was allowed to know, something that was private between her and Michael.

“What did he do?” Clarke asked carefully, her sleep all but gone.

But instead of answer from the other end, Clarke only heard a loud sob which quickly quietened down to soft cries instead. Lexa didn’t have it in her to speak just yet, didn’t have the emotional strength to recap her night, or at least, she couldn’t even think about it without crying again.

“Lexa, Lexa.” Clarke tried to speak to her through the cries, trying to get her to stop. “Hey, hey talk to me, come on.”

“I- I feel so dirty.” Lexa finally spoke, voice breathy and upset. “I hate the way he touches me, I hate the things he’s allowed to do to me, I-” A frustrated sigh cut her short, trailing off into a quiet groan. Instead of speaking, she smacked her palm on her forehead with enough force to be audible over the line to Clarke. “I hate myself more than anyone else right now.” She admitted coldly, feeling her jaw click as she tried to swallow back her emotions once again. “I don’t know how he does it, but by the time he’s done with me, I hate myself more than I hate him.”

“You have no reason to hate yourself, Lexa.” Clarke tried. “The way he treats you, the things he does, none of that is your fault.”

Lexa remained silent for a moment, thinking through what she wanted to say. It was never easy to talk about this, it always felt like she wasn’t allowed to, always felt like none of it should ever be said out loud because all it would do is belittle her even more. But with Clarke, it felt a little easier to open up; still not easy, every part of her was still fighting against it but Lexa couldn’t think of any other way to get through tonight. There was always the fear, however, that the next thing Lexa said, the next thing she admitted to Clarke would be the last straw that scared her off, that made her realize Lexa was too complicated and – simply  put – not worth it.

Not to mention, talking about sex with someone she was involved with just felt…awkward. But at the same time, there was no one else Lexa could talk to, she didn’t have anyone else.

“Can I tell you about tonight?” Lexa asked her uncertainly, it was late after all and she didn’t want to keep Clarke up any longer if she wasn’t up for this.

“Of course,” Clarke answered almost immediately. “You know I’m always here for you. You can talk to be about anything, Lex.”

“Tonight was…a first actually.” Lexa stated quietly, “Michael has been…getting more sexual lately and I think he’s starting to realize that he can use sex against me.” She paused for a moment, unsure how much Clarke would even want to listen to about this. “This wasn’t the first time he beat me, but it was the first time he decided to have sex with me afterwards. And I still feel…so disgusted by it, by myself for letting it happen like that.”

“You didn’t let it happen.” Clarke responded, whenever it came to things like this, Lexa always spoke like it was her fault or that she was the reason it happened. “You can’t blame yourself for it; Michael is the reason you’re feeling like this, not you, Lexa.”

Lexa only sighed, continuing as though she hadn’t heard what Clarke said. “I thought our wedding night was always going to be the worst night we spent together.”

“Tonight was worse?” Clarke asked quietly, not entirely sure what she was feeling as she listened to Lexa. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, and the more she listened to her the worse it got. It was a sick heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach, filling her an uneasiness that made her want to be able to be near Lexa so she could comfort her in some way.

“It was.” Lexa nodded to herself, chewing on her bottom lip as she tried to force the next words out. She did feel dirty, she felt entirely disgusted by herself because of Michael, and even thinking about saying it out loud put a bitter taste in her mouth. “Most of the time we’ve had sex was because he wanted to, never even bothering to ask me whether or not I wanted to – but let’s face it, what I wanted wouldn’t matter to him.”

All Clarke could do was listen, she didn’t quite have anything to say in response to this, didn’t think there was anything she could say that would help in any way.

“Besides, he’s my husband, and I know this is just one of those things that I have to do-”

“No,” Clarke shook her head, stopping Lexa. “It’s not, Lexa. This is not something you should just be expected to do, and just be expected to say yes whenever he wants.” It was no short of horrifying to listen to how Michael practically owned every aspect of Lexa’s life, even her body. The only thing that probably felt worse was how much Lexa had accepted it, how much she had just given in.

“But I do,” Lexa answered sadly, feeling her chest tighten as she did her best to fight the tears that wanted to escape. “I have very little say in anything that happens.”

But that’s not fair, is what Clarke wanted to say, wanted to scream out, because Lexa deserved so much better than that, deserved so much more than what Michael was giving her. But she knew there was no point other than making Lexa feel worse. “But if you’re saying no and Michael is completely disregarding it, then-”

“That’s why I don’t say no,” Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat. “Me saying no only makes him angry so I don’t.” She let out a long sigh, shaking her head as she prepared herself with what was going through her head ever since Michael was…done with her tonight. “Sex with him never feels good, it has never felt good but Clarke…” Lexa’s voice trembled as she trailed off, “Tonight it felt like…” Her lips quivered and tears silently streamed down her cheeks yet again, needing another moment to pause and gather herself enough to speak. “I’m sorry, I need a second.”

“Take your time,” Clarke reassured her. “I’m right here.” She wished she could actually be there with her, be there to hold her hand and comfort her. But right now this was the best she could do; Clarke could hear her breathing from the other side, Lexa no doubt trying to gather herself enough to speak.

“I never see any of it as rape.” Lexa finally spoke. “He’s my husband, and I’m his wife, I don’t think it can be that.” She truly believed that too, she wholeheartedly believed that Michael had every right to be intimate with his wife, whenever and however he wanted. “But tonight, fuck Clarke tonight, it didn’t feel like sex, it didn’t feel like it normally does.” A choked sob cut her off, quiet and soft, but enough to make her breath get caught in her throat.

All Clarke could say was that she was mortified by the way Lexa spoke, by the things Lexa was saying. She didn’t notice her own tears until one of them rolled down her cheek and fell onto her lap, and Clarke had to bring her hand up to cover the mic of her phone before letting out a shaky breath – she didn’t want Lexa to hear how this was upsetting her.

“It’s always bad, it’s always these varying degrees of awful because I hate how it is with him. But tonight was a different kind of bad.” Lexa continued, just about managing to speak past the tears. “I feel violated, what he did to me tonight makes me feel like I was raped.”

Clarke clasped her hand over her mouth, not wanting Lexa to hear the noise that left her, something very close to a soft sob at listening to her. It was difficult hearing it, difficult to know what she was going through, and how she was feeling, and then not being able to do anything to help. “How can I help?” She asked Lexa past her own tears, “What do you need? What can I do?” Clarke wanted so desperately to help, to make her feel better. It was in her nature to want to fix things, even things out of her control, but it was a lot harder when it was someone she knew and cared about. Because right now, in this moment, Clarke was willing to do anything to make Lexa hurt a little less, she would drive down to her place and pick her up and take her away if that would achieve anything.

“Can you just talk to me?” Lexa asked hesitantly, an aching in her heart as she let the tears fall freely instead of trying to hold them back. “About anything, tell me about your day, what you had for dinner, tell me about Catra…anything at all. I just want to hear your voice for a bit.”

“Well Catra chewed through my phone’s charger cable, so that’s how my day started.” Clarke started, leaning back in her head. She was more than happy to talk to her, Clarke was prepared to stay up all night if that is what it took to make Lexa hurt just a little less than she was right now.

Chapter Text

That was…that was difficult. There was no way that could have been an easy phone call and Clarke found herself sitting in bed, frozen to her spot once she hung up from her call with Lexa. They spent the past almost fifteen minutes just talking, about nothing specific but just anything to take Lexa’s mind off of…everything that was going on. It was mostly just Clarke talking and Lexa listening, she wanted to hear her voice, said it was enough to relax her for at least a while and make her forget about what had happened even if it was just momentarily. And Clarke was happy to do just that; she told her about her day, every little detail of what she did at work, Catra’s shenanigans, and even what she had for dinner. By the end of it, Lexa was yawning and clearly tired and relaxed enough to hopefully go to sleep. Clarke made her promise to call her in the morning, to check in and tell her how she was doing.

Clarke managed to push her feeling aside while she talked to her, managed to ignore what Lexa had told her only moments prior, but now that she had hung up, Clarke’s thoughts were being taken over by it. It was horrifying; every time she got another glimpse at Lexa’s home life, the worse Clarke realized it was.  She wanted to help, she had stayed up many a nights on Google, reading and researching and trying to find some way to help her. But there didn’t seem to be anyway for Clarke to do much until Lexa herself was ready to make a change. And she was far from it, Clarke knew Lexa didn’t see a way out, and if she was putting herself in her shoes, Clarke wouldn’t either. She was entirely dependent on her husband, she didn’t have support from anyone else, her family was just as bad as Michael – if not worse – and they would ensure Lexa never made it too far away from him.

But listening to it, hearing Lexa talk about the things she went through…it was hard. Clarke cared about her, she cared about her deeply, and she would be lying if she said her feelings for Lexa hadn’t developed into something she wasn’t expecting it to. It was confusing and conflicting, but what mattered the most to Clarke was to be there for Lexa – because well, that was all she could do for her at this point – and her feelings for her had no place in that. Clarke knew Lexa was married, knew she had a husband, knew there was no possible way for her to get out of her marriage, but…but none of that was enough for Clarke to stifle her feelings, stop them from getting to where they had, from developing even further into god knows what.

She was still reeling from the phone call, wanting nothing more than to be close to Lexa, to hold her close and comfort her, protect her and take her away from everything and everyone that continued to hurt her. But there wasn’t much Clarke could do for Lexa, couldn’t think of a way to take her out of this godforsaken situation, not until Lexa herself decided she wanted to at least. And that wasn’t easy, that was probably one of the biggest obstacles; this wasn’t the first time Clarke has thought about it, and that meant Clarke has listed out every single reason why Lexa was afraid to reach out and take a step to get out – and there were a lot of reasons.

There were very few times that Lexa telling her about her day brought Clarke to the point of tears, and tonight was one of them. She felt sick to her stomach, felt entirely helpless, almost guilty about not being able to do much more than sit around and talk to Lexa. She was upset, she was hurt – both physically and emotionally – and Clarke just wanted to…she didn’t know what she wanted to do other than cry, didn’t know what she could do to make things a little bit better for…her friend, yeah, that’s what they were.

The word felt wrong though, like it wasn’t enough to describe their relationship, wasn’t enough to describe how they felt about one another. Clarke loved her friends, she cared about them and would fight the sun if Raven or Octavia asked – or more likely, if they picked a fight and needed Clarke to have their back. But with Lexa…it was different; sure there was no chance of anything romantic and honestly, Clarke wouldn’t even say what she felt for her was entirely that either, only that it was a lot more intense than anything she had felt for anyone else before – friends or otherwise. No, she didn’t have a name for it, but all that mattered was that she cared about Lexa, cared for Lexa, and wanted nothing more than to do what was best for her.

Unfortunately, though, she didn’t know what that was.

Clarke had half the mind to go to the cops herself, Octavia’s brother worked at the Sheriff’s department and she knew they would take her seriously. But Clarke also knew that could potentially make things worse for Lexa. It would be her word against his, and that’s even if Lexa was willing to speak up against Michael – which itself was a long shot – because if she didn’t it would backfire on Lexa. Not only that, but it would be a breach of the trust Lexa had in Clarke; Clarke had promised to not tell anyone, promised to keep it to herself and the last thing Clarke wanted to do was push Lexa away. She was finally opening up, confiding in Clarke, having an outlet to share and Clarke was certain that if she did something like go to the cops or try to reach out and get help on Lexa’s behalf, all she would do is push Lexa away and force her to isolate herself yet again.

Lexa sighed as she pulled the covers over herself, burrowing her face into it as she heard Michael’s footsteps leading out of the bedroom. She had come back upstairs after serving him breakfast, telling him she wasn’t feeling well and asking if it was okay for her to return to bed. To her surprise, he was more than just alright with it, he seemed genuinely concerned and asked her to go rest, there wasn’t anything else he needed from her. So with a small thank you, Lexa had come back upstairs and gotten back into bed. But then a few minutes later she heard him coming up to their room and couldn’t help but think that something was wrong. However, he only came upstairs to let Lexa know he was leaving, kissing her goodbye even, and saying he hopes she feels better soon.

That was…that was one the things that made everything with Michael so much complicated. Or at least, so much more complicated than it needed to be. He was nice when he wanted to be, sweet and caring and it tugged at Lexa’s heartstrings, made her wonder that maybe he was a good man after all, that maybe all the ways he hurt her was ultimately her fault and because of her. Yes, her feelings for him were very complicated, there was no denying the fact that Lexa had developed some sort of feelings for him in all the time they had been not just married, but together – it was only natural. And times like this only made her question it more; last night she was so sure she hated him, so sure that she loathed him but this morning, mere minutes ago, the gentleness in his voice and the softness in his touch as he kissed her goodbye…it had Lexa wondering how much of the way he treats her was really her fault.

Michael had a smile that could light up any room, her parents loved him, he was great with people, everyone at their church liked him, he was a responsible and dutiful husband, no one but her had any sort of problems with him. And when Lexa was good, she saw it too; like this morning, he was understanding and considerate with her. So really, it felt like the natural conclusion to come to was that he only hurt her when she deserved it, when she did something wrong. Because there was no other aspect in their lives where Michael showed to be anything short of a gentleman.

That’s what made it so hard. That’s what made it so difficult to make sense of…all of this. Maybe if she truly hated him, maybe if she truly believed Michael was a bad person, or the monster she forces him to be, Lexa would have had half the heart to make an effort to leave. Nevermind that wouldn’t be possible for a myriad of reasons to begin with; Lexa had a feeling that if Michael was truly that bad, and if she was entirely innocent in all of it too, she would have at least wanted to get away. Maybe the truth of the matter was that she didn’t want to, because she was afraid not only of what her parents or Michael would do in response, but also of the fact that she couldn’t do better than him. Or that if she did find someone else who was willing to put up with her and every piece of baggage that came with her, they wouldn’t love her the way Michael did – or ultimately they too would treat her in the exact same way because after all, it was always her fault.

There were too many things going through her head, too many thoughts weighing her down, and right now the only thing Lexa could do to tune it out was go to sleep. She ended up dozing off soon enough, her body aching and tired from the previous night and as it told her she desperately needed the rest.

She woke up no more than a two hours later, finding the clock on her nightstand reading 10:41am. Lexa pushed herself up, sitting with her back against the headboard before grabbing her phone. She didn’t feel like getting out of bed just yet, and as far as Lexa could tell, she didn’t particularly need to either, and the only way she could think to mindlessly spend her time was by playing some games on her phone. But before she could do much of anything, the lock screen showed a notification from Clarke, a text that came in over an hour ago.

Clarke

9:12am

are you alone?

Clarke

9:56am

you’re probably still asleep. let me know when you’re up

Lexa wasn’t sure why Clarke was asking, but she replied immediately.

Lexa

10:42am

I fell asleep again after Michael left for work. Everything okay?

Clarke

10:44am

so you’re alone now?

Clarke didn’t answer her, only repeated her original question. Lexa wasn’t sure what it was about, but she answered her nonetheless – well, it was more of a confirmation because she had already told Clarke Michael had left for work.

Lexa

10:44am

I am.

Clarke

10:45am

cool. i’m coming over

Lexa was a little confused, not sure why Clarke would be coming over. Not to mention it was a weekday which meant Clarke had work today. Nevertheless, Lexa decided that meant it was time she got herself out of bed and made her way to the bathroom. She couldn’t help but sigh as she looked at herself in the mirror; there were more than a couple of marks and bruises on her face, the worst one being the long red stripe that ran across the side of her cheek from Michael’s belt. There was no hiding it, even the warm water stung when she splashed it on her face, so there was no chance of her even touching it with makeup. Besides, Lexa didn’t think she would be able to hide it behind anything.  

Now dressed in a pair of soft and worn out pair of sweatpants and matching sweatshirt, Lexa made her way downstairs. The house was warm enough and she didn’t need the sweatshirt but there were some very concerning marks on her arms and she didn’t want Clarke to see it, or at least she didn’t want her to see it as well as the ones on her face – she was covered in bruises today but the less Clarke knew about, the better. Ignoring the aching muscles, Lexa made her way to the kitchen and started up the coffee machine, it was a little late for breakfast and missing a meal would probably do her more good than not, so just a coffee would be enough for now.

She had just left the kitchen, dragging her feet across the hardwood floor with her hands wrapped around the warm mug when the doorbell rang. Lexa took a sip of the coffee as she made her way to the front door, unlocking it without needing to ask who it was.

“Hi,” Lexa greeted as she opened the door and saw Clarke.

“Oh my god,” Clarke said in lieu of a greeting, no short of horrified at the red stripe on Lexa’s face. It never got easy seeing her hurt, especially when there were visible indications of it, and today was one of the worst ones Clarke has seen. There were other bruises there too but Clarke found her eyes drawn to the red one across her cheek, unable to look away from it. “Wha-”

Lexa shook her head, stopping her as she held the door open, she didn’t want the neighbors to see or hear. “Come inside.”

Clarke didn’t argue but stepped inside and waited until Lexa had closed the door before following her into the house. She wanted to ask her about last night, wanted to immediately ask what had happened, how she got that mark on her face, if she was hurt too badly but instead Clarke walked in silence until they were in the living room.

“Do you want some coffee?” Lexa asked tentatively, not entirely sure how she felt about Clarke seeing her like this. After all, she had to deal with her last night, was woken up by her phone call and honestly…Lexa was a little embarrassed by it.

“No, I’m good.” Clarke answered. “How are you doing, Lexa?” She asked her carefully, going to sit down on the couch and waiting for Lexa to join her.

“Better than last night.” Lexa tried, keeping her eyes down and away from Clarke as she sat down. She didn’t think she could look her in the eye, not after last night, not after everything Lexa ended up telling her last night. “But how come you’re here, didn’t you have work today?” Lexa finally asked, hoping it was enough to change the subject for at least a little while.

“I took the day off.” Clarke answered. “I figured after last night, you could use some company.”

“Oh,” Lexa was more than just a little taken aback by it, she couldn’t really think of many times someone had done something like that for her – or any time. “You didn’t have to do that for me, Clarke.”

“I wanted to,” Clarke shrugged, “Last night seemed…rough, and I didn’t want you to be alone today.”

“But you’re missing work,” Lexa argued, she wasn’t worth that surely. “You don’t need to do that for me.”

“I would do the same for any of my friends, Lex.” She gave her a soft smile, content as she saw the way Lexa’s body untensed. “I thought we’d spend the day together, doing nothing other than just relaxing and watching some crappy TV. Or good TV, I don’t have a preference.”

“That sounds good actually.” Lexa returned the smile, just barely there as she nodded. “Thank you for coming.”

“How are you doing?” Clarke asked her again, carefully this time, hoping for more of an answer than the first time she had asked. She wanted nothing more than to reach out and comfort her, Lexa looked so hurt and fragile, and Clarke was fighting the urge to reach up and touch her face, gently caress the harsh red line on the soft skin.

“I…” Lexa started, trailing off with a sigh instead. “I don’t know,” She could feel her throat closing up, getting a little choked up as she thought about how to honestly answer that question without crying again.

“Wanna tell me about it?” Clarke tried, watching the way Lexa’s eyes teared up.

Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat and clenched her jaws, shaking her head slightly, “Not really.” She turned her eyes away again, looking down at her hands on the couch, one of them inching closer to Clarke’s desperately seeking some contact. “I don’t think I have the emotional energy to talk about anything I’m feeling right now.” Lexa huffed out a sad laugh, meaning it wholeheartedly nonetheless.

Clarke only watched her worriedly, her hands going up to Lexa’s forearm and resting them there in an attempt to comfort her. “I’m here for you, okay?” She reminded her, “And we don’t have to talk about anything, not unless you want to.” She squeezed her arm gently, wanting to reassure her.

But Lexa flinched and her arm stiffened, “Fuck,” She couldn’t help but hiss out in pain, making Clarke withdraw her hands from Lexa immediately.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry.” Clarke apologized, looking at her in a slight panic, wanting to know what was wrong. “Did I hurt you?” She asked, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

Lexa waved it off, “No, no, you didn’t. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Clarke asked, pausing as she looked back down at her arm, debating whether or not she wanted to ask what was on her mind. “What’s under there, Lexa?”

There was a tension in the air, an uneasiness and Lexa almost wished Clarke hadn’t come over. It would have been so much easier to wallow in her pain and hurt alone without bringing Clarke down with her. She looked so worried, and the last thing Lexa wanted was to make someone else hurt alongside with her. “Nothing you’d want to see.”

But Clarke only gave her a sad look, not surprised that Lexa wasn’t meeting her gaze. She reached up again, her movements small and careful as she took Lexa’s hand in her’s while the other gently grabbed the sleeve of her sweatshirt and pushed the soft fabric up. Clarke did it slowly, almost waiting for Lexa to stop her or pull away but she didn’t, she only watched as Clarke uncovered the red and blue marks covering her forearm and let out a small gasp. “What leaves marks like this?” It was similar to the long on her face, only there were more than just one, and it was accompanied by some dark bruises too.

Lexa chewed on the inside of her cheek, finally looking up at Clarke. There was a pained expression there, clearly concerned and worried as she waited for Lexa to tell her. “A belt…”

“Oh my god!” Clarke sounded no short of horrified at the answer, wondering if she was better off not knowing. It brought on this sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, not knowing how anyone could be cruel enough to do something that like to their wife. “The one on your face too?”

Lexa reached up, fingers grazing against the strip of skin that was still burning. “Yeah,” She nodded, “It was a little off target.”

Clarke brought up her hands this time, both going on either sides of Lexa’s face, her eyes glued to the mark in question. Her thumb swiped gently right under where the belt had struck, “Lexa that could have hit your eye…”

“It’s okay, it didn’t.” Her voice was no more than a whisper, “I’m fine Clarke.”

“Are you, though?” Clarke asked seriously. “What if it had hit your eye, what if-”

“Clarke, please.” Lexa stopped her, doing nothing to move away from her touch. It was comforting and reassuring, and if anything, she was leaning into it. “I’m fine,” She let out a shaky breath, eyes closing as she felt the tears threatening to spill. “Please, can we not…?”

Clarke heard the way her voice cracked, saw the tiredness in her expression and decided to let it go. She didn’t want Lexa to feel any worse than she was, she came over to keep her company, to make her feel better. So she gave Lexa a short nod, reluctantly removing her hands from her face – and it almost felt like Lexa was chasing it, her head leaning towards it before her eyes opened and she sat back straight. Clarke leaned back against the couch, arms opening as she nodded at Lexa to come closer – she looked disappointed to lose the contact and Clarke wanted nothing more than to be as close to her possible. Lexa gave in without questioning it, grabbing the TV remote as she moved closer to Clarke, settling in against her, and letting her head lean against the side of her shoulder.

“Thank you,” Lexa muttered quietly, handing the remote to Clarke wordlessly and watching as Clarke opened Netflix.

“I might not know how to help right now with what you’re going through,” Clarke started as she clicked on the search bar, “But I’m here for you, no matter what.”

Chapter Text

Lexa ended up falling asleep about an hour into the movie. They had decided on watching Knives Out, Lexa not too fussed by what they were watching as long as she got to spend the time with Clarke. She had asked to lay down a little into the movie because her body was aching and sore and Lexa felt like she couldn’t stay upright much longer. She had thought Clarke was going to move over to the armchair but instead had placed a pillow on her lap and patted it, asking Lexa to lay down with her head on her lap. Lexa didn’t resisted, finally being taken over by a sense of safety and comfort – and Clarke’s hand in her hair – Lexa couldn’t help it when her eyes unwillingly slid shut.

Clarke let out a small sigh as she looked down at Lexa now peacefully asleep, she was laying on her side and Clarke had a very clear view of the mark on her cheek. She wanted to help, wanted to get Lexa out of here, away from Michael, away from the things that continued to hurt her over and over again, but Clarke knew there was no point in even bringing it up. She was so close to asking her, asking her if she wanted to reach out, if she wanted to get help but Clarke knew all that would have done today was make Lexa retreat and shut her out, maybe even ask her to leave. And Clarke didn’t want that, she wanted to comfort her and be here for her; Lexa needed company today, and that’s what Clarke wanted to do.

But it was hard seeing her like this, she was hurt and upset, and right now Clarke was just glad Lexa was getting some rest. The movie was coming to an end now, the credits rolling as Clarke moved her hand from Lexa’s hair and to her cheek. If anything, the redness had developed even further, angry and bright, and it would probably benefit from a little ice. Clarke reached up, her index finger almost trembling as she touched it gently, wanting to caress it but Lexa stirred at the contact, a small distressed noise escaping her lips making Clarke withdraw her hand immediately.

Lexa groaned as she rolled on her back, eyebrows knitted as she seemed like she was trying to get away from Clarke. Clarke only watched her in confusion, “Hey,” She tried softly, reaching back and placing her hand on the top Lexa’s head, “You’re okay.” But Lexa shifted uncomfortably, not taking as positively to the contact from Clarke as she had when she was awake. “Lex?” Clarke tried to wake her up instead, leaning back into the couch and doing her best to give her as much space as possible despite their close proximity.

She woke with a sharp intake of breath, eyes snapping open in almost a panic to find Clarke’s calm blue ones. Lexa wasn’t sure why she was in a panic, but looking into Clarke’s eyes was enough to fix that almost immediately, Lexa taking no more than a moment to distance herself from whatever thoughts woke her.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked after a second of silence, eyes soft and hand going to take Lexa’s without either of them realizing.

Lexa nodded wordlessly, almost a little confused at finding Clarke so close to her. “Did I fall asleep?” She asked as she moved to sit up, not entirely sure when that had happened.

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded, her hand not leaving Lexa’s as she sat up straight. “Halfway through the movie.”

“I didn’t realize,” Lexa blinked in quick succession, trying to shake the sleep away. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay,” She waved it off, “You looked tired.” Clarke gave her a soft smile, a beat of silence passing before she pulled out her phone to check the time. It was a little past noon now, Clarke’s stomach telling her that she hadn’t had enough breakfast to last her much longer than it had and was asking for food. And given the fact that Lexa had only just gotten out of bed when Clarke arrived, she could make a guess that she didn’t have breakfast. “I’m thinking about calling The Griddle and ordering some lunch,” Clarke suggested, looking up from her phone screen. “What do you want?”

“Oh,” Lexa thought about it for a moment; truth be told, she didn’t entirely feel like eating. No, she hadn’t had breakfast and she was a little hungry but food was the last thing on her mind. Not to mention, maybe there were certain comments Michael made last night about her weight again that made Lexa feel like she could, no should, put a little more effort into watching what – and how much – she was eating. “I’m not really hungry.”

Clarke watched her for a moment, not entirely convinced. “What did you have for breakfast?” She asked her knowingly instead.

“I…I slept in.” Lexa answered, her way of trying to avoid saying she skipped it.

“Okay, so we’re getting lunch.” Clarke didn’t wait for her to respond – or refuse – before she was tapping on her phone to make the call to the diner. She held the phone to her ear and waited for them to answer.

“Clarke-” Lexa tried to stop her but Clarke shushed her with a smirk.

“Shh, I’m on the phone.” It was lighthearted, not wanting to give Lexa the chance to protest. Besides, Clarke knew her usual order so when the phone got picked up on the other end, she didn’t need to ask her what she wanted. Clarke greeted the waitress who answered by name, telling her she wanted to place an order for pickup and Lexa couldn’t do much more than just watch and think about how to get out of it. “Can I get two spicy chicken sandwiches?” Clarke said into the phone, “No pickles or mayo on one of them,” Lexa didn’t like pickles, or mayonnaise. “And can I also get a side of French fries, and sweet potato fries, please?” The woman on the other end scribbled down the order and confirmed it, Clarke saying thank you and hanging up after being told the food would be ready in fifteen minutes.

“Clarke really, I’m no-” Lexa tried after she had hung up, the last thing she needed to put in her body was deep fried meat and simple carbs. Maybe the least terrible part of last night were the things Michael had to say about her body, but they lingered just as much as the bruises and wounds did, and Lexa couldn’t help but feel like she wasn’t doing enough for him.

“You need to eat.” Clarke stopped her. “So unless you want something else, I don’t want to hear it.” Sometimes tough love was a little necessary, and Clarke managed to keep her face straight for only a moment before giving in and smiling at her. “Besides, I’m hungry, and I don’t like eating alone.”

“You didn’t need to get me fries.” Lexa conceded.

“You love sweet potato fries.” Clarke shrugged, like it was the most obvious thing to have ordered it.

Lexa couldn’t help but soften at the way Clarke said it. She knew her better than most people in her life did, and she had also been a part of her life for a much shorter time than anyone else. Her parents, her husband, the rest of her family, the most they knew about her was probably her name and not much else – Lexa had a feeling that if someone were to ask Michael what color her eyes were, he wouldn’t know. But here was Clarke, a woman who had known her for not even three months and she knew what her favorite type of fries were. It made her a little emotional, made a lump form in her throat, and something as small as this was enough to make Lexa feel like she was going to break down yet again.

She let out a small steadying breath, chalking that up to the fact that she was in a vulnerable today place because of last night. “Thank you.” Lexa finally spoke, giving Clarke a small smile and doing her best to keep her voice steady.

“I’m going to go pick up the food,” Clarke said as she moved to get up, it would take her around ten minutes to drive down and if she knew anything about The Griddle, it was that the food tended to be ready earlier than they estimated – the kitchen as very efficient.

“Oh,” Lexa started as Clarke stood up, stopping her. “Can you do me a favor?”

“Anything,” Clarke nodded. “What do you need?”

“Can you pick me up some Aleve or Advil?” Lexa asked. “I ran out this morning and…” It’s effects have worn out so my body is hurting to the point of me wanting to cry, that was what Lexa was thinking but figured it was best to keep that to herself. “I could use some right about now.”

A more serious look came over Clarke, nodding at her and doing her best to not be effected by the pained look on Lexa’s face. “Yeah, I’ll stop by Green’s.”

It wasn’t a long trip, the diner was close enough and the Green’s pharmacy was between there and Lexa’s house. So Clarke was back in around twenty minutes, two paper bags in tow, one with the food she had ordered – in addition to two slices of blueberry pie – and the other from the pharmacy containing not just the painkillers Lexa had asked for but a couple of other things that would probably help. The door was unlocked when Clarke returned, walking into the house and to the living room to find Lexa on the couch just as she had left her.

With the coffee table now a make-shift dinner table, the two of them sat cross legged on the couch, making small conversation as they ate lunch. Lexa was probably spending more time moving the fries around in their cardboard container than actually eating; not to mention the top bun on her burger had been discarded to the side too in an attempt to lighten the meal. This wasn’t the first time, but it was the first time Clarke had really noticed Lexa avoiding to eat. It could just be because of the fact that Lexa had had a bad night and it, understandably, followed her into the day too. But now that she thought about it, Clarke could think about at least one other similar instance in the past week when Lexa only had a side portion of chicken wings for lunch.

“The burger not up to par today?” Clarke asked, two thirds of the way through her own lunch, the fries all but done and only a few bites of the burger left.

“Hmm?” Lexa looked up from the topless burger in front of her. “Oh no, it’s fine.” She answered with a shake of her head. “I don’t really have much of an appetite today.” That was only half true, there was a lot going through her mind, the main one now that she had been faced with food was where exactly this junk food was going to stick on her body. But she would be lying if she said she wasn’t hungry, only the prior thought was enough to make her lose her appetite. Lexa hadn’t had a single fry, doing not much more than just pushing them around in hopes that it would fool Clarke into thinking she was actually eating them, and the burger – as good as it always was – was barely half eaten..

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked uncertainly, not sure if asking would push Lexa back.

Lexa nodded immediately, maybe a little too quickly for it to have been convincing. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“Really?” Clarke quirked an eyebrow, dipping her French fry in ketchup and popping it in her mouth. “Because I remember you telling me the bun was your favorite part of the burger.” She motioned towards the discarded top bun; it was a strange fact if you’d ask Clarke, she would say the best part of the burger was the spicy relish that was made in-house at The Griddle, closely followed by the crispy battered chicken. Okay, she had to admit, the bun was very good too.

“Too much carbs,” Lexa answered before thinking about it, before she could stop herself.

Okay, that wasn’t what Clarke was expecting, and she tilted her head a little in confusion. “What’s wrong with that?”

Lexa felt at a loss, not knowing how to answer without Clarke asking even more questions. So instead she just shrugged, hoping that would be enough for Clarke to let it go, for now at least. This wasn’t a conversation Lexa wanted to have, not now, not ever really. The last thing Lexa wanted to dump on Clarke was her insecurities about her body, she had already listened to enough of Lexa’s problems today as it was.

Clarke turned her attention to Lexa from her food, taking a moment as she watched her, not knowing what the reason behind it was. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?” Lexa tried to play dumb, not know what Clarke meant when in reality she knew Clarke could see right through her. “I’m just…”

“Just what?” Clarke asked, her tone as soft as it could be. “Not hungry?” She questioned knowingly, “This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed, I just didn’t read anything into it.” She explained. “But something is clearly going on, why aren’t you eating?”

Lexa let out a small frustrated noise, setting the burger down and turning her eyes away from Clarke.

Clarke waited patiently, setting the rest of her fries away because this was a little more important – not to mention she was full. But she didn’t push, not just yet; Clarke could be pushy, she knew that about herself, she knew she could be a little much sometimes, and also that it could sometimes be a problem too. But Clarke also knew, more times than not, it paid off when it came to the people she cared about. Only she had to be a little more careful and thoughtful with Lexa, especially when it came to days like today, when Lexa was feeling low and upset and vulnerable.

“I’m just trying to watch what I eat,” Lexa finally answered, hoping it would be a satisfactory response.

Well, that certainly wasn’t the same as not eating at all, but Clarke wasn’t sure she wanted to say that. “Why?”

She finally looked up, finding Clarke’s eyes full of worry and concern. “I…” Lexa started uncertainly. “I realized I’ve been putting on weight and I’m trying to get it under control.”

Get what under control? You are absolutely perfect the way you are, Lexa. “What are you talking about?” Clarke asked her instead. “You haven’t put on any weight,”

“Michael says…” Lexa trailed off at the way Clarke rolled her eyes at his name, almost making Lexa smile at her reaction, almost.

“He’s wrong.” Clarke shook her head, stating with no hesitation in her voice. “Also, it wouldn’t matter if you had put on weight, there’s nothing wrong with that but,” She shrugged lightly, not wanting to take focus away from Lexa. This was something Clarke was more than just a little passionate about; it was no secret that she wasn’t skinny or slim or anywhere in that ballpark, and it had taken Clarke a long time to find the acceptance and beauty in it. But now that she had, it was something that mattered a great deal to her. “You haven’t.”

Lexa took a deep breath, steadying her nerves and deciding it was better to talk about it than continue burying it. If there was one thing she had learned from Clarke in their time so far, it was that talking about things and getting them off her chest made her feel better. Not to mention, Clarke was like a dog with a bone if she stumbled upon something Lexa was struggling with, she wouldn’t let it go until she knew what was going on. “I have a couple of new stretchmarks and…Michael doesn’t like them so I’m trying to make sure there won’t be any newer ones.”

Clarke couldn’t help but let out a sigh, if she could just have five minutes with Michael and a baseball bat or maybe a lead pipe, she’d be able to solve a lot of Lexa’s problems. “He’s a dick.” Clarke conceded instead. “And an immature one too.” She added. “Stretchmarks are normal, there’s nothing wrong with them and you can get them for a lot of different reasons, not just gaining weight.”

“I know that.” Lexa nodded, agreeing to the later part of Clarke’s statement – she wasn’t entirely sure she agreed with it being okay for her to have them. “But he doesn’t like it, doesn’t like how it looks…or feels and I mean…” Lexa shrugged, doing her best to lighten her tone and not let Clarke see just how much this bothered her. “I could stand to lose a few pounds.”

“No,” Clarke shook her head immediately. “No, and definitely not by starving yourself.” She gave her an exasperated look, “That’s not good for you, Lex.” But Lexa didn’t say anything, only looked away, her eyebrows knitted together and chewing on her bottom lip. “Hey,” She reached for her hand, placing it over Lexa’s to get her to look back at her. But when she didn’t, Clarke continued regardless, “You missing meals is only going to make you feel worse,” She told her. “It’s going to affect your strength and make you feel weaker…” Okay, now that she thought about it, maybe that is what Michael wanted, it would be a lot easier for him to control her if she was frail and weak.

“Does that matter?” Lexa asked quietly, how she felt and how things affected her rarely ever had an impact on whether or not she had to do it.

“Of course it matters.” Clarke balked in surprise. “He’s not allowed to dictate what or how much you eat.”

“He…” Lexa started hesitantly. “He has more say in what I do than me.”

Clarke clenched her jaw, feeling the muscles there twitch as she fought the urge to practically scream about how fucked up that was and how it was time Michael got what was coming for him.

“Can I be frank?” Lexa asked uncertainly, her voice cracking to the point of it sounding it she was about to cry. So she took a small breath to steady herself, waiting until Clarke nodded before continuing. “I thought the easiest part of being married to him would be keeping him interested in me…physically.” She paused for a moment, it felt no less than pathetic to admit it out loud. “But it just feels like I’m messing up and falling short in that department too.” Lexa finally looked up at Clarke, meeting her eyes hesitantly. “Like I do with…everything else.”

“That’s not true.” Clarke shook her head. “You are…” She felt her tongue getting tied up, frustratingly pausing as she tried to decide on what the most platonic way to say it would be. “…beautiful. Incredibly beautiful, and he’s blind if he doesn’t see it.” The sentence came out with a bit more fervour that she would have wanted Lexa to have heard. She waited a moment, lightening her tone and squeezing Lexa’s hand, “I mean…I would know.” That got a smile out of Lexa, just barely there but a content huff that had her looking at Clarke with a little less hurt in her eyes.

Lexa let a beat of silence pass, thinking it through in her head and wondering whether or not it would be a little too much. “Can I ask you something?” She took a chance, looking away from Clarke’s gaze and looking down at their hands instead. “When we were together, did it bother you?” She asked, not wanting to make it any more awkward than it probably was.

“Did what bother me?” Clarke asked, no hint of awkwardness in her voice. “Your body?” Lexa nodded and Clarke almost scoffed at even the possibility of it. “I don’t think that’s possible, in any way whatsoever.”

“The stretchmarks?” Lexa questioned, “…the scars?”

Clarke shook her head without needing to consider it. “God no. You’re a person, a human being, and it’s only natural to have marks on your body.” The scars upset her, there were more than she had originally thought, some self-inflicted and others from various injuries that Clarke could only assume her parents were responsible for. But she never asked her about them, Lexa was always self-conscious about the marks Michael left on her body – that Clarke didn’t know about then – so it was better to not draw any more attention to them. “It doesn’t make you any less desirable, any less attractive.”

“I don’t know about that Clarke…” Lexa trailed off. “I don’t think I’ve felt that in a long time.” She admitted quietly, the truth being she hasn’t felt that way since her and Clarke were together. No one has ever made Lexa feel the way Clarke did, that was no secret and she would be lying if she said she didn’t miss it.

Clarke let out a long sigh, wanting to tell her she deserved better than that, deserved someone who treated her the way she deserved, made her feel wanted and desired and every bit as beautiful as she was. Or well, Clarke wanted to show her, they were already so close right now, it would be all too easy to pull Lexa to her and- What am I thinking? Clarke couldn’t help but ask herself, stopping mid-thought. “Well, I don’t care what Michael says, he’s wrong.” That was all Clarke could muster without saying too much.

Lexa took a deep breath, she had talked about it about as much as she could have. And all she wanted to do now was turn her brain off and go back to either watching a movie or talking about something else. “Can we go back to watching a movie?” She asked her carefully, Clarke had been giving her so much time and attention, the last thing she wanted was to upset her.

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded, leaning forward in the couch and starting to clear up the coffee table, Lexa following. “Wanna watch the sequel to this one?”

“I missed like…half the movie.” Lexa answered, about to get up from the couch with one of the paper bags now filled with used napkins and the remnants of their lunch.

Clarke didn’t miss the pained grunt as Lexa moved to get up and took the bag from her to take to the kitchen. “You stay, I got it.” She told her as she began to step away. “And the sequel has nothing to do with the first one, just the same detective guy.”

“And if I fall asleep again?” Lexa smirked as Clarke walked away to leave the living room.

“That’s fine too.” Clarke agreed, making her way to the kitchen. “If you want to watch something else, that’s good with me.” She called back, Clarke didn’t care quite as much about what they were watching as long as she got to spend more time with Lexa. And if she were to fall asleep with her head on her lap again, well, that was entirely fine too.

Chapter Text

Lexa held back a sigh as she spoke to her mother on the phone. They hadn’t talked in a while and Lexa would have liked to keep it that way but Nia called today to check in on their predetermined agreement – Lexa getting pregnant by the time she and Michael went back for Christmas. The chances of that happening were next to nonexistent, not only because Michael wanted to wait till their first anniversary before trying for kids, but also because, well, Lexa was still on contraceptives. She wasn’t looking forward to going back home for Christmas, she was much happier being away from her family, not to mention it wouldn’t just be her parents but her brother and his wife would be there too – and well, Lexa didn’t have the best relationship with them.

“Your father is not going to be happy about this, Alexandria.” Nia chastised from the other side of the phone, “You still have time.”

“It’s not just me, mom.” Lexa tried to tell her, “Michael doesn’t want children yet either, we want to wait.”

“The longer you wait, the more time you give him to change his mind about you.” They loved to remind her about that, remind her again and again that the longer Michael spent with her, the more he would realize was wrong with her. Lexa didn’t doubt it, she knew better than anyone else that there were a lot of things…wrong with her, but they were married, and Michael didn’t seem like the type of man who would just walk away. Maybe it would be easier if he was, but Lexa also knew she couldn’t do any better than him, couldn’t find someone who would put up with her or want to be with her, so it was in her best interest to try and hold onto him. Besides, so far, he was happy – it didn’t matter how Lexa felt about it, how miserable she was, how she spent more days than not unhappy or crying – Michael was happy with her, he was happy in their relationship, and that’s all that mattered

“He’s not going to.” But really, Lexa’s words meant very little to her parents. “We’ve talked about it, and he wants a big family, so you have nothing to worry about. You and dad are going to have a handful of grandkids.”

Nia sighed into the microphone, giving up for now. “Good luck explaining this to your father, he’s not going to be happy.”

“Would it be easier for him to accept if it came from Michael?” Lexa snipped back, knowing she wouldn’t be able to use that tone in person without consequences. But it was over the phone, her mom far enough away for her to not have to worry much about how she spoke to her.

“Watch your tone.” Her mom reprimanded, her voice sharp and irritated. “This is what happens when no one is there to keep you in line, I see. I thought Michael would be, but you’re getting a little insolent.”

Lexa sighed, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that.” Or maybe she did, she wouldn’t say anything like that to Michael, wouldn’t dare speak to him in a tone like that. Which contradicted what her mother just said because Michael did more than enough to keep her in line. “I just don’t want this to be a big deal when we come over, that’s all.” She and Michael were going back home for the holidays to visit her family – Michael’s parents went out of the country in the winter, they liked to be somewhere warm – and they were going to stay there with them too. It had been a while since Lexa was back in her old house, and well, she wasn’t looking forward to having to spend a week under the same roof as her family.

“Fine,” Nia sounded almost convinced, almost like she was agreeing with Lexa. “But I can’t make any promises about your father, he’s going to be very unhappy.”

“I know.” Lexa knew what her dad was like, he expected her to do as she was told, listen to his every word because even now, even when Lexa was a grown woman, he was the one in charge of her life. But this was different, this wasn’t just Lexa’s decision, and this wasn’t something Lexa could do on her own so even if she wanted to – Michael had to want it too, and he had no obligation to Titus. “By this time next year, I’ll be pregnant.” Just the thought of that filled her with dread, a year didn’t seem too far away, and Lexa couldn’t help but let out an anxious sigh at the prospect.

“And remember, your brother and his family will be there too,” Nia reminded, to which Lexa couldn’t help but roll her eyes. “I expect you two to play nice, you’re both adults.”

They never had the best relationship; Roan was always the perfect son, Lexa falling short and always being compared to him. He was three years older than her, and since the moment she had been born, she was being compared to him. Her parents always loved him more – well, they loved him, Lexa wasn’t sure they ever loved her – and although they were strict with him as well, Lexa was the only one who had to deal with their father’s fist and their mother’s back-handed slaps. They never had any reason to need to discipline him like that, Roan was perfect, he did well in school, went to Sunday school and bible study, was admired by the church elders, and there was nothing more their parents could want. Besides, he was a boy, which gave him an unfair advantage over Lexa from day one.

“I’ll just stay out of Sheila’s way, so it’ll be fine.” Sheila was Roan’s wife, there was something about her that Lexa just couldn’t stand. She was annoying and judgmental, and had this shrill voice that just made Lexa’s eye twice every time she spoke. At least her parents and brother were family, she had some sort of obligation to them, they had every right to speak to Lexa how they chose. But Sheila was no one to her, maybe they were related now through her brother but that didn’t give her the right to talk to Lexa however she pleased.

“I don’t know what your brother sees in her,” Nia agreed reluctantly. That was one of the very few things Lexa and her mother agreed on, and even bonded over when he got married. Nia found her annoying and arrogant, and Sheila hadn’t made any effort to get on her mother-in-law’s good side. Titus on the other hand, couldn’t be bothered to come up with an opinion on her, all he cared about was that his son got married to a good – white – Christian woman. “But with the baby, hopefully, she’s going to be too busy to…be her usual self.” If anything, Roan had fallen out of favor with their mother for a while after the wedding, Nia really couldn’t stand his spouse – at least she liked Lexa’s.

Lexa hadn’t met her nephew yet, he was eight months old if she was keeping count correctly, and Nia was right, Sheila should be busy enough with the baby. Speaking of which, she still needed to pick up a Christmas present for him, she and Michael were leaving in a few days, and honestly speaking, she had no idea what to get for an infant.

It had been a long morning, a bad one too, and it had left Lexa with a red mark on her cheekbone, a busted lip – amongst a couple of other marks and bruises that were covered by her shirt – and the feeling of being entirely worthless. Michael had a way of making her feel small and insignificant, if it wasn’t with his words, it was with his actions, and sometimes it was with both. He had woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, there was no other reasoning behind it, as far as Lexa was concerned, she did everything just right today, but he was in a bad mood and apparently the solution was to use his wife as a punching bag before work.

She called Clarke a little after Michael left for work, asking if she could come over just to spend time with her. She had been over at the museum while Clarke was working before, just spending time in her office in her company, not needing to do much more than reading a book from Clarke’s shelves or looking through one of the art books. But it was different today, Clarke heard it in her voice, heard that she was upset without needing to be told, knew something that happened at home that made Lexa need an escape even if it was just for a few hours. So Clarke didn’t hesitate to tell her to come over, hoping some company would be enough to make Lexa feel a little better, even if she wasn’t in the mood to talk about it.

There was a heavy feeling in the pit of Lexa’s stomach as she stood in Clarke’s office across from her. She had gotten here a few minutes ago, Clarke only giving her a concerned look and asking if she was okay when she saw the marks on her face. It didn’t shock her anymore, not how it did the first couple of weeks into their friendship; it still upset her just as much but by now, Clarke was unfortunately used to it.

“What happened today?” Clarke asked carefully, not knowing if Lexa felt like talking about it or if she just wanted to spend some quiet time in her company.

Lexa shrugged with one shoulder, the other stiff from when Michael yanked her by the arm. “He was in a bad mood, needed to get his frustrations out before work.” She gave Clarke a sad smile, looking away from her gaze.

Clarke took a step closer towards her so she could reach her face. Lexa didn’t move away when Clarke’s hand came up to her cheek, finger grazing gingerly over the red mark which would no doubt develop into a dark and nasty bruise. “That looks bad,” She commented, studying it. “I think it’s starting to swell, Lexa.” Not to mention her lip, which was already swollen and red, possibly close to bleeding again.

“It’s not that bad,” Lexa tried, but it was clearly a lie because just the movement from talking was causing her face to hurt.

Clarke’s eyes scanned over her face, every little expression giving away the fact that she wasn’t telling her the truth and was clearly in pain. “I’m going to go get some ice.” She told her as she took a step back. “Sit down, Lex.” She added as she made her way to leave the room, “I’ll be back in a minute.” Clarke stopped one step outside and turned back to look at Lexa, “Do you want a coffee or something?”

“A coffee would be great.” Lexa gave her a nod. “Thank you.”

Clarke wasn’t long, the museum’s café was upstairs but it was empty more times than not – especially in the late morning on a Wednesday. She got them two coffees, a vanilla latte for herself and Lexa’s usual – a flat white with hazelnut syrup – and asked the server for a cup of ice, making sure to grab a handful of napkins to wrap the ice in before heading back downstairs. She was worried about Lexa, she had seen her in much worse condition than today but she hadn’t ever seen her bleeding up until now. Yes, it was only a busted lip and from what Lexa had said about this morning, it was better than a lot of her other altercations with Michael. And that said a lot; when a busted lip from her husband wasn’t that bad, there was definitely something wrong.

But Clarke didn’t know what she could do other than just be there for her. Every time she saw her like this, every time she saw her hurt or upset because of the way Michael was treating her, Clarke got the overwhelming urge to just wrap her in her arms and take her away. Yes, that wasn’t practical or even possible, she couldn’t just pick her up and leave, but Clarke did wish there was something she could do to help. She would support Lexa every step of the way if she were to leave him, she would help her through the entire process and hold her hand and be her shoulder to lean on if Lexa so much as expressed any desire in leaving Michael.

Lexa was standing in the same spot when Clarke returned, and she nudged her back towards her desk to sit down on it. Clarke set the coffee mugs down next to her, wrapping a few ice cubes in a couple of paper napkins to keep them from running. She stepped into Lexa’s space, standing between her legs with her hand gently holding her chin and the other bringing the ice up to it. Instead of going for her lip, Clarke held it to her cheek where the red mark was, it was as though she had been hit against a hard surface. And well, knowing what went down behind those doors, that wasn’t too far from possibility.

“So, what caused this?” Clarke couldn’t help but ask.

Lexa let out a deep breath, not meeting Clarke’s eyes as she touched the makeshift cold compress to her cheek. “Does it really matter?”

“Of course it does,” Clarke answered immediately, pressing the ice to her cheek and watching as Lexa closed her eyes at the relief that came with the cold. “What did he do?”

Lexa let out a long exhale through her nose, there was no point in telling Clarke what had happened. All it would do is make Clarke more upset than she already was at seeing her like this. “It’s not important.” Her lips quivered and she felt like she was moments from crying about it again. Michael had slammed her face into the doorframe, that’s where the long red line on her face was from. The busted lip was from a punch that landed a little lower than he was aiming, or maybe it was because Lexa tried to step away from the fist coming for the side of her face, consequentially making it land on her lower lip.

“Hey,” Clarke’s voice was soft, waiting until she looked up at her again before continuing. “How you’re feeling matters, tell me what happened, please.”

Lexa’s eyes filled with tears again, swallowing her emotions down and doing her best to keep them from spilling. “I’m just tired Clarke.” She admitted quietly, voice just above a whisper as Clarke moved the ice off of her cheek. “I want one day, just one day where I don’t feel like this.”

Clarke’s free hand came up to cup Lexa’s face, her actions soft and gentle, so different to how Lexa was used to being touched. Lexa couldn’t help but lean into it, her eyes fluttering shut at the contact, letting out the quietest whine when she felt Clarke’s thumb tracing the line of her lip, just below where the cut was. Clarke wanted to help, wanted to stop her from feeling how she was, wanted to show her how she deserved to be made to be treated, show her some gentleness and care, take her away from what her every day was.

But there was only so much she could do, and right now all Clarke could do was tend to her wounds and be there for her. Nothing she could say would help, nothing she wanted to say would help, she wanted to tell her she wanted to take her away, wanted to get her away from Michael and the people who constantly kept hurting her; but that wouldn’t do any good, it would probably just make Lexa withdraw. And Clarke didn’t want that, she didn’t want Lexa to step away, didn’t want to say something that would make her possibly walk out of here because any conversation – or even mentions – of her leaving him was short-lived at best.

Her heart ached as she looked up at Clarke, the sad and hurt so clear in her eyes. Clarke only watched her for a long moment, calm blue eyes looking at the gray forest of Lexa’s and only finding turmoil there. With a sad look, Clarke moved the ice to her lip, the blood seeping into the paper napkin almost immediately at the contact. It was red and swollen, the bottom lip jutting out almost as Clarke tried to tear her eyes away from it. She tried to swallow down her emotions, the silence in the air hanging heavy around them as Clarke battled with her feelings for Lexa. She looked so small and fragile right now, her eyes looking into Clarke’s with longing and hurt, almost asking for her to do something, anything.

All it took was the tremble in her lips and Clarke couldn’t hold herself back any longer. She let the hand holding the ice come away and fall onto the desk as her face closed the already small distance between the two of them. Her hand remained on Lexa’s face, cupping her cheek as she kissed her with all the gentleness she could muster while her other hand went up to hold onto her waist. Clarke’s nose nudged against Lexa’s, lips grazing against her lower lip to not hurt it even further before moving her attention to the top lip.

Lexa froze for a moment, her brain needing to catch up to what was happening. But she was kissing back soon enough, less gentle than Clarke was being, desperate and frantic and wanting to pick up the pace, wanting Clarke to kiss her harder. Lexa’s body arched into Clarke’s as her arms came up around her neck, desire coursing through her veins, pressing herself as close to Clarke as she possibly could. She wanted more, wanted more of her, wanted to feel every emotion Clarke was conveying through this kiss, and god Lexa just wanted to let the whole world fall away while she existed in this moment with only Clarke.

They both broke the kiss off reluctantly, lips clinging to one another as they dragged it away to catch their breath. Their arms were still around each other, Clarke’s hands on Lexa’s waist and cheek, Lexa’s arms around Clarke, not wanting to put any more distance between themselves than they already had. Clarke leaned her head against Lexa’s, their foreheads resting against one another’s, eyes still closed, trying to stay in this moment just a little longer. Lexa was the first to open her eyes, scared to speak, fearing it would wake her up from what could only be a dream.

“Clarke?” Lexa finally spoke, wanting nothing more than to close the inch of space between their lips and kiss her again.

It was as though her voice snapped Clarke out of some sort of trance, her eyes snapping open as she took a step back from Lexa. “I shouldn’t have done that,” She said more to herself than Lexa, eyes looking blankly ahead as her hand came to her lips.

Lexa couldn’t help the way her shoulders slumped at that, of course it was a mistake. And what was she thinking kissing Clarke, they were supposed to be friends, she shouldn’t have let that happen. It didn’t matter how she felt, didn’t matter how Clarke made her feel, didn’t matter that Clarke made her feel safe and wanted and like a goddamned person unlike anyone else in her life. None of it mattered because she was married, and they had both agreed to be friends, Lexa was regretting what she just did, and it felt like she had dragged Clarke into something she didn’t want to do.

“I’m so sorry Lexa,” Clarke apologized, hands going to her forehead as she tried to make sense of what she just did. This was her friend, her married friend. “I…” She didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what she could say that wouldn’t just make the situation worse. She wanted to say she couldn’t help it, couldn’t help herself when she had to see Lexa like this so often. It was difficult to not, Clarke saw Lexa being taken for granted, saw her being hurt and abused and treated as less than a person, and all she wanted was to show her how she deserved to be treated, wanted to show her a life she actually deserved, a life that was kind and gentle and loving.

“No, it’s-” Lexa shook her head. “You don’t have to apologize it’s-”

Clarke opened her mouth to speak, not sure what she wanted to say but she did have half the mind to tell her she wanted to be with her, wanted to try and make this work because regardless of their situation. Maybe things could work out, it was something Clarke has thought about every moment since they broke up, and everything she could imagine told her it wouldn’t work, there was no way for it. But what if there was a chance? There was something entirely different about the way Lexa made her feel and if there was even the smallest chance of making it work with Lexa, Clarke wanted to try. “Listen, Le-” But before she could finish speaking, her phone rang, making both of them almost jump at the interruption.

Lexa took that as her chance to get up and try to get out of her. It was…a lot, she didn’t know how to process it or how to react to it. What Lexa wanted to do was kiss her again, feel her hands on her, and feel her body against her own but Lexa knew that’s not what she should do. And instead of facing it right now, Lexa’s first instinct was to run away.

Clarke brought her phone out, it was a work call, most likely about the meeting she had later today. “Lexa wait,” She reached out, grabbing her arm lightly to stop her from leaving just yet as she answered the phone, “Let me call you back in a minute,” Clarke said to the person on the other side, not waiting for their response before hanging up. “I have to get that but when are you leaving?”

Lexa was going to her parents’ for Christmas, she would be gone till the New Year and maybe this conversation shouldn’t wait that long. But Clarke knew she was leaving soon so they might not get the chance to. “Tomorrow morning.”

Clarke sighed, yeah, they were going to have to wait longer than she’d like. Her phone buzzed in her hand again, telling her she couldn’t ignore this and absentmindedly let go of Lexa’s arm. She stepped away towards the door in two long strides, wanting to leave, “Hey, hey,” Clarke called out, her phone still ringing. “Can we talk after you get back?” She asked, pressing answer and holding the device to her ear.

Lexa nodded, “I’ll call you,” She told her quietly, not wanting to be heard over the phone as she opened the door to leave.

Chapter Text

It was a pleasantly uneventful journey to Polis; a smooth plane ride, a quiet drive to the airport, and a Michael who was in a very good mood. Lexa didn’t like flying all that much, it wasn’t that she was afraid of it, but rather she didn’t like the whole ordeal that came with it. She hated being locked in a metal cylinder with way too many people over ten thousand meters up in the air; the height didn’t matter as much as the close proximity to everyone else did, having to breathe the same air as them for hours. Then there was the air pressure change, it made her ears pop, gave her a headache, and overall, Lexa knew the next day at least, her entire body would be achy. But the main source of comfort was the fact that Michael was in a good mood for it all.

Landing in Polis unfortunately, they had to get a taxi to the Woods' house; Roan had promised to pick them up but Lexa received a text from him while they were getting their bags to let them know he wouldn’t be able to make it. He didn’t give them a reason, and that text was enough to tell Lexa this was going to be a long week; he and his family lived out of state too, but not as far away as Lexa and Michael, about a six-hour drive away, so they were staying with their parents over the holiday too. It was going to be a full house, Lexa and Roan’s empty bedrooms occupied again, other distant relatives dropping by leading up to Christmas day, then the big Christmas party itself where they’d have the whole extended family over. No, Lexa was not looking forward to that, it was always entirely too stressful; Nia did it all herself – all the while barking orders at her daughter – so she was extremely tense leading up to it, there were too many family members under the same roof, and it was just very loud and overwhelming.

“I don’t know if I’m ever going to have anything nice to say about your brother,” Michael said on the drive to the house. He hadn’t spent much time with him; it was clear that their parents absolutely adored him, but Lexa didn’t get along with him. And after spending the briefest time with Roan, Michael saw exactly why, he didn’t particularly like the way Roan spoke to Lexa, didn’t like how he was still just as childish as Michael imagined him being as a teenager, he was obnoxious and cocky, and generally just not the type of person Michael got along with.

“Oh trust me, I know” Lexa nodded. “I spent my entire life with him, and I still don’t have anything nice to say.”

It was a little past 3pm by the time they were knocking on the front door, Lexa taking a deep breath to steady her nerves while they waited for her parents to answer. She felt Michael’s hand on her lower back, and for some reason she couldn’t quite explain, it almost felt comforting in the face of what the next week had in store for her. It almost felt like he was the only person she had in her corner, the only one she could lean on this week – which said a lot because Michael wasn’t the warmest partner, and Lexa couldn’t remember the last time he actually comforted her or showed any form of affection that didn’t make Lexa feel dirty.

Nia looked happier to see her than Titus was, maybe it had to do with the fact that Roan was already here and Nia needed a buffer between Sheila and herself – and that Titus was much busier with her son to so much as greet her daughter past a simple hello. Nia hugged her and Michael as they walked in; it was cold and stiff, about as affectionate as Lexa remembered it being growing – up on the handful of occasions she remembered her mom hugging her that is.

They made their way further into the house and to the living room after having exchanged pleasantries with Titus and Roan in the study. Entering the living room, it looked exactly how it did every Christmas for as long as Lexa could remember, the tree in the same spot in front of the bay window, the ornaments perfectly in place, the same tree topper Grandma Woods had gifted the family when Lexa was around two years old. The one thing that was different was the baby bouncer on the floor next to the armchair with, who could only be, Sheila and Roan’s son. Sheila was all bright smiles and hugs for both Lexa and Michael, letting them both know within minutes of seeing them that she was expecting again. The way she glanced at Lexa when she said it made it clearly a jab at her; like Sheila was telling her that she was doing better than her, that she and Roan were doing better than Lexa and Michael. And Lexa was reminded yet again why she didn’t like her all that much.  

But Sheila was stepping away before Lexa or Michael could say anything, going to pick up the baby from the bouncer and bringing him up to introduce him to his aunt and uncle. “Guys, this is Toby.” Sheila said to Lexa and Michael, the two of them instantly smiling down at him.

“Hello,” Lexa couldn’t help the way her voice changed as she spoke to him, softer and quieter, a gentler tone she hadn’t heard from herself before.

“Do you want to hold him, Alex?”

“It’s not Alex,” “That’s not her name.” Lexa and Michael answered at the same time, shaking their heads. No one called her that, and Lexa would rather no one ever called her that in the future.

“It’s Alexandria, sweetheart,” Nia corrected with a passive-aggressive smile. “That’s the name she was christened with, so please don’t butcher it.”

Lexa saw as Michael turned his face away behind her shoulder with a cough followed by pursed lips, and if she wasn’t mistaken, it looked like he was trying to suppress a laugh. She swallowed her own laugh down, being much better at hiding her expressions than her husband was before turning her attention back to Sheila and telling her that yes, she did want to hold him.

This was quite possibly the first time Lexa was holding a baby, Toby was only six months old – she hadn’t kept count correctly, it seemed – and it was a little intimidating when she came face to face with exactly how small he was. She wasn’t expecting much from it, Lexa had never looked at a baby and felt anything past just thinking they were cute. But the moment she held Toby, she was overcome by this entirely new feeling that she didn’t have a name for – but if Lexa thought about it, the closest she could get to it was warmth and affection. He had Roan’s blue eyes and the softest tuft of black hair from his mom, and the way he looked up at Lexa had her thinking the week wasn’t going to be as bad as she was anticipating if this little guy was going to be a part of it.

Lexa eventually passed Toby over to Michael with a small smile, tickling his tiny foot as he settled into her husband’s arms to say hi to his uncle. She couldn’t help but take in a shaky breath as she watched them, an almost pang in her chest at seeing Michael with a baby – she had been back home for not even fifteen minutes, and Lexa was already being faced by thoughts and emotions she didn’t want to deal with, not now, not ever if it was up to her. Maybe she was just being hormonal, maybe it was just very normal maternal instincts because Toby was family after all, but all Lexa knew was that she didn’t want any part of it. Toby was possibly the cutest baby she has seen, that was all it was, nothing more, nothing less.

God, I hate Christmas. Lexa couldn’t help but think to herself as she walked around the kitchen, helping her mom with the chaos that was preparing for the Christmas party. They were still a couple of days away from it, but there were a lot of things that needed to be prepped, and given that Nia wanted to do everything herself – despite both Roan and Lexa recommending she use a caterer for at least some of the food. They always had a more-than-extravagant dinner together on Christmas Eve that was just the immediate family. Then the rest of the family came over for the annual Christmas party, both Titus’ side of the family and Nia’s so it was a house full of distant relatives and people Lexa could only tolerate.

It was only the 22^nd today, but the pressure and stress were already building. The men did next to nothing to help, but that is what was expected of them, Roan and Michael helped Titus with the outside decorations but that was all done by now. Nia was caught between baking and preparing snacks and canapes for the party and prepping other things for their dinner, and Lexa was the only helping hand she had. It was no secret that Lexa wasn’t the best in the kitchen, and Nia had more than enough…criticism to last the entire trip but surprisingly her mother had actually let Lexa take the lead on a couple of things. They were both hoping that Sheila would be lending a helping hand too, but she was using her son as an excuse to not so much as set foot in the kitchen.

“I didn’t spend half as much time with you or Roan when you were babies,” Nia said with a sigh as she went about with her work.

“I think Toby would like a little break from Sheila too.” Lexa quipped in response, her eyes on the chopping board in front of her.

Nia set down the wooden spoon on the spoon-rest next to the stove and turned to Lexa, “You know she’s just using that baby as an excuse to not have to do anything.”

Lexa nodded, setting down the knife and stepping over to her mom so she wouldn’t be overheard by anyone else. “Why is he always crying?” She asked quietly, there had to be something his parents could be doing to calm him down for more than five minutes at a time.

“Roan and Sheila say he’s just a fussy baby.” Her mother answered, but she didn’t sound convinced. “But I think it’s the fact that Sheila doesn’t how to be a mother.”

Yeah, Nia could be harsh, she was straightforward and didn’t sugarcoat what was on her mind. Most times that was directed towards Lexa, and she couldn’t say she agreed with Nia when she talked about other people like that too, but maybe this time she saw her point; Toby was up most of the night crying, disturbing dinner time with his screaming – something Titus absolutely could not stand - they rarely had a moment of peace and quiet in the house. Yes, babies cried but this couldn’t be normal, his parents should know to do something to soothe him. “I don’t think I’ve slept since coming.” Lexa admitted.

“Right?” Nia asked. “I’ve been trying to help but she won’t listen to anything I have to say or take any advice.”

“Of course she knows best.” Lexa rolled her eyes. Nia tended to give out unsolicited advice, something Lexa had learned to live with by now but maybe Sheila could do with a little help when it came to Toby. “Just suck it up and accept the help, we’re all suffering here because of her.”

“And her inability to calm her child.” Nia sighed. “And they’re expecting another one.” She reminded Lexa, “Now tell me why your brother thought that was a good idea?”

“He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed?” Lexa suggested lightly, she meant it wholeheartedly but didn’t want to it to sound serious because, after all, Roan was the favorite and Lexa wasn’t particularly in the mood to be reprimanded.

“Don’t say that about your brother,” Her mother’s tone wasn’t entirely serious but it was enough to tell Lexa that Roan was off limits – unlike Sheila. “But sometimes, yes, he’s really not.” As much as Nia loved Roan, she knew how to hold a grudge and she wasn’t over him marrying someone she didn’t approve of. “Speaking of children though,” Nia turned back to the stove, stirring the pot that was sitting on the flame. “You and Michael?”

“Mom…”

“It’s your father that’s pushing for it,” Nia added. “Michael looks more than happy with you, so you must be doing something right. And for now, that’s enough.” She turned the stove off, and turned back to her daughter. “I have to say, you’re doing better than I anticipated.”

That was as close to a compliment as she was going to get, and Lexa couldn’t help the way the corners of her lips tugged upwards into almost a smile. She always fell short in her parents’ eyes, and the last time they visited, they were both certain that Lexa wouldn’t be a good enough wife to keep Michael interested and happy. So to have her mom say she was well, to tell her that she was doing a good enough job, Lexa would take it.

“But your father won’t be happy until you’re pregnant.”

“Is that why he’s said only two words to me since we got here?” Lexa couldn’t help but ask. A part of her was glad, the less time she had to spend with her dad, the better. But another part of Lexa was a little hurt, regardless of how she felt about him, Titus was still her father and Lexa did wish he would look at her as more than just a disappointment. Nia had her moments, she could have Lexa in tears with just her words if she wanted, and it was no secret that no matter what Lexa did, to Nia, she could always do better. But at least Lexa was allowed to call her mom, at least she acted like a parent rather than whatever Titus was.

“Yes,” Nia answered matter-of-factly. “He has also been in an irritable mood since your brother came because he hasn’t been sleeping at night.”

“Because of all the crying?”

Nia nodded, “But back to you, when are you and Michael thinking about trying?”

“We’ve decided after our first anniversary.” Lexa answered. “We’re both young and we’ve just gotten settled into our new lives so we want to enjoy it before becoming parents.”

“Have you talked about how many he wants?” It was what he wanted, not her, not them even, but just him.

“He wants a big family.” Lexa hoped her voice didn’t give away how unenthusiastic she was at the prospect. “A really big family. You and dad can expect at least four grandchildren from us.”  

“Good.” Nia seemed pleased with that answer. “Roan says he doesn’t want any more after the second but your father and I think everyone should strive for large families if they have the means – and I know he does. So at least we have something to look forward to from you and Michael.”

Lexa nodded, not saying how much she didn’t want that, how much she didn’t want to get pregnant, how much she didn’t want to be a mom, much less raise children with Michael and bring them into a life that would very much be like her own. But her mother seemed happy, with her, and that was not something Lexa saw very often; it filled her with a sort of sense of accomplishment, made her content and almost proud to have Nia praise her for once.

“I just hope you’ll do a better job than Sheila is.” Nia added lightheartedly. “But with how you have been with Toby, I think you’ll be just fine.”

“Thanks mom.” Yeah, she really didn’t get much of this, Nia wasn’t the warmest parent, and more times than not she had nothing good to say about her daughter. But she was in a good mood today, despite all the work they had been doing since this morning, and maybe Lexa didn’t hate the time she was spending with her.

They went back to their respective tasks from there, making light conversation while Lexa worked on chopping the vegetables and Nia turned her attention to making the batter for the Christmas cookies.

“Hey Alex, can you do me a favor?” Sheila came bursting into the kitchen a few minutes later, once again getting her name wrong.

“Sweetheart,” Nia’s tone was clearly irritated, turning on her heel with a forced smile to speak before Lexa could. “It’s Alexandria, you know that Sheila.”

“Right, yes.” Sheila nodded, Toby in her arms as she walked over to Lexa. “It’s just a mouthful, that’s all. Alex is so much easier to say.”

“You’re a grown woman,” Nia started. “I’m sure you can handle five syllables.”

She didn’t reply but turned her attention to Lexa, “Can you take Toby for a minute, I am dying to go to the bathroom but he won’t let me put him down.”

“I sort of have my hands full…” Lexa answered, both hands covered in the raw meat she was mixing for tonight’s meatloaf. “What about Roan?”

“The guys just left to pick up some things from the store.” Sheila answered, bouncing a whining baby in her arms. Maybe Toby was just a fussy baby, he looked entirely unhappy right now, squirming and whining, his face scrunched up. “Please?”

Truth be told, Lexa didn’t want to spend any time alone with her nephew. After the first day, she was trying to limit how long she spent with him; Lexa still couldn’t make sense of what she felt, couldn’t understand the pang in her chest when she held him, or the sense of…longing almost when Toby cooed at her or smiled at her. She was trying to rationalize it, trying to tell herself that maybe him being a member of the family made her feel such a connection to him because the alternative was too much for her. (And that alternative was the fact that her she had some very real maternal instincts that were making her contemplate whether it would really be that bad to have a little one of her own).

“Yeah, sure.” But she gave in, Sheila looked desperate and neither of them would ask Nia for help. “Just let me wash my hands.” Lexa stepped away to the sink, apologizing to her mom for needing to step out of the kitchen while she washed her hands, taking a little extra time to make sure she was washing as carefully as possible before holding Toby.

“He’s being a little fussy,” Sheila said as Lexa returned to her, handing the baby over to his aunt.

“I’m sure I can handle it.” Lexa smiled down at the baby as she settled him in her arm, immediately going to bounce him in an attempt to soothe him. “Hi, there sweetie.” She said to Toby as Sheila let out a sigh of relief and walked out of the kitchen. Lexa turned her eyes up to Nia, telling her she was going to be in the living room until Sheila got back before leaving.

“Why are you so cranky today, huh?” Lexa asked playfully as she made her way into the living room and towards the couch to sit down. “I know you’re not hungry, and you smell clean.” Her voice was small and light, smiling at the squirming baby as she gently rubbed his foot with her free hand. “So what’s wrong Toby?” He wasn’t crying, but he didn’t look happy either, only it seemed like the more Lexa talked to him, the calmer he was getting. “A little overwhelmed with all the people?” He blew a raspberry at her, effectively tugging at Lexa’s heartstrings. “Yeah, I know.” They did have family members stopping by throughout the day, everyone taking an extra interest in the newest member of the family so it made sense that he would be a little overwhelmed. “Do you like it when I talk to you?” She asked and was responded by a small noise from Toby. “Is that it? Do you like when your auntie talks to you?” Lexa couldn’t help the smile as she watched Toby, now much calmer, his arms flailing but not out of discontent but rather excitement. “Between you and me,” Lexa lowered her voice to a whisper, bringing Toby up closer, “I like talking to you more than anyone else in this house.”

Chapter Text

She was going to lose her mind, Lexa felt like she was on the brink of imploding as she did her best to tune out the shrill noise of Toby screaming his tiny lungs out while they tried to eat dinner. It was Christmas Eve, and this was an important tradition in their family, Nia made a very impressive meal for the entire family – and Lexa helped – and they tended to enjoy these couple of hours eating and drinking and having a good time. The very few good memories Lexa has of her childhood and her family are from Christmas, from these dinners together because both her parents were always their best selves, it used to be just the four of them – then Sheila came into the picture, and a little after him Michael – and this is the closest Lexa ever felt to being part of a real family.

For Nia, this was the pinnacle of her duties as a homemaker and wife. The dinner was followed closely by the Christmas party so it was a couple of days of very intense preparations. The party was a big deal for the entire family; and the food was always the highlight of it, tables filled to the brim, appetizers and mains and deserts and everything in between, more than enough to feed the entire extended family twice, maybe three times over. It lasted late into the night, people arriving from the afternoon even, a full house that was a little overwhelming for Lexa but everyone was happy and content and in a good mood, and Nia made sure to keep everyone fed but no one came expecting a sit-down dinner, it was more of a night (day, even) to catch up with everyone and spend time with family members they only got to see a couple of times a year.

So tonight’s meal was the Woods family’s proper Christmas dinner, and Nia didn’t hold back. The menu changed every year – some things tended to stick though, like a good mashed potato and roasted vegetables – but one thing that was certain was that it would be incredible regardless. The center stage at the table tonight was the honey-glazed ham and the prime rib roast, but Lexa had to admit, the sides deserved just as much praise because between the spinach gratin and the crispy brussels sprouts with prosciutto – and at least another handful of roasted or mashed or casserole-form vegetables – everyone’s plates were filled to the brim with more than just the meat.

“Darling, you have outdone yourself once again.” Titus praised as they tried to have a conversation over the crying, reaching out and placing his hand lovingly over his wife’s.

“Thank you,” Nia returned the smile, “But I have to give credit where it’s due, Alexandria helped immensely this year.” She nodded at her daughter across the table. “She was entirely in charge of the green bean casserole and brussels sprouts – as well as helping me with everything else here.”

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at the praise, at being commended for something she did rather than criticized. There was enough criticism to go around while they were in the kitchen though, Nia making sure to voice everything Lexa was doing wrong. But it seemed like she was happy enough with how it all turned out and that was more than Lexa could ask for, it wasn’t every day she heard her mother speak highly of her to anyone, let alone her father.

“And here I thought you couldn’t cook?” Titus questioned lightly.

“She ’s come leaps and bounds from where she started.” Michael answered for her, throwing a smile her way and Lexa knew this was as close to a compliment as she was going to get from him. It was his way of complimenting her after all, it was always a backhanded compliment, always brought up something or somewhere where she fell short.

“It’s all mom’s recipes,” Lexa added. “I’m just glad I could do it justice.”

“What about your wife, son?” Titus turned his attention to Roan. “I haven’t seen her do much to help out with the celebrations.”

“Sheila has been busy with the baby.” Roan shrugged like it was self-explanatory. “Alexandria has more time on her hands.”

Yeah, that was another jab at her and at the fact that her and Michael weren’t even in the process of starting a family – much like when Sheila had announced she was pregnant again. But Lexa stifled the eye roll, giving her attention to the food instead because what Roan had to say really wasn’t worth it.

“Yeah, she’s with him all the time.” Michael agreed but there was an edge to his voice that told Lexa whatever the next part of his sentence was, it wasn’t going to be entirely kind. “You’d think he wouldn’t be crying this much when he has his mom with him constantly.” He added with a forced smile. “But here we are, unable to even hear each other across the dinner table.”

“Taking care of a baby is a lot of work, all right?” Roan snipped at him. “It’s not like you’d know.”

“Yeah, neither would you.” Michael responded just as quickly. “I don’t think I’ve seen you even trying to comfort Toby.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re his father, aren’t you?” Michael stood his ground and Lexa had to bite back a smile. No one spoke to Roan like that, he was the greatest son their parents could have asked for, Sheila practically worshipped the ground he walked on, but Michael…Michael thought of him the same way Lexa did, only he actually got to speak out when Roan really pushed his buttons. “Maybe start acting like it-”

“Boys,” Titus’s voice was firm and authoritative, not needing to be loud but effectively shutting them both up. “This is a nice dinner, and I would like to keep it that way.”

“Sorry, sir.” Michael was the first to apologize, Roan instead slumping into his chair like a teenager who had just been told off by his parents.

Michael was right though, Toby had been crying for the past almost half an hour; Sheila had left the table with him five minutes into that when both Titus and Nia’s expressions were enough to tell her they were silently asking her to leave. But she only stepped away to the living room, the noise very easily carrying over into the dining room. Nevertheless, conversation resumed, returning to lighter topics. Only Lexa was having a rather hard time with that, she didn’t get much sleep last night because of…well because of her nephew and as much as she loved him, she really did not care for his parents and how they handled him. She had a headache, and the next screech had Lexa’s fork slipping out of her hands and falling onto her plate with a loud clink.

“Can I be excused for a moment?” Lexa looked up and between her parents. “I just want to give Sheila a hand, take Toby for a minute so she can eat.”

Titus nodded, giving her permission before Lexa moved to get up. “Who knows maybe you’ll get him to quiet down for a minute.”

“I’ll try, sir.” Lexa let out a small sigh as she stood up and pushed her chair back in its place before walking out of the dining room to go find her sister-in-law.

“Hey, Sheila.” Lexa mustered her friendliest tone as she walked up to her, Toby wailing in her arms as she fruitlessly bounced him and tried to shush him. “Can I take him for a while?” She asked, “Your plate’s getting cold.” Lexa added. “And maybe I can get him to settle down?”

“Good luck,” Sheila sighed, already handing him off to his aunt, grateful for at least someone stepping in to try and help. “I don’t think you’ll be able to get him to calm down but I am starving.”

Lexa took the baby from her, Toby kicking and screaming as Lexa did her best to get him comfortable in her arm. “Go eat, I got him for now.” She gave her a smile and a nod, Sheila returning them before leaving Lexa alone with her son.

“Alright buddy,” Lexa started with a sigh, “What’s wrong, huh?” She had found it easier to get him to calm down when she talked with him, maybe it was just enough to distract Toby long enough to make him forget he was crying, or maybe he liked being talked to. Now that Lexa thought about it, she couldn’t recall hearing Sheila or Roan talking directly to him; sure, he didn’t understand anything that was being said but it was a good way to engage and connect.

She stepped over to the couch, sitting down with him. It came to Lexa naturally, bouncing him and speaking to him, cooing at him gently and tickling his socked feet. Lexa still didn’t want to quite pay attention to what she felt when she was with him, didn’t want to put any words to how it felt to hold a baby or have him look up at her with those big bright eyes. Not to mention how Lexa couldn’t help but smile when she was with him, couldn’t explain the warm feeling in her chest, or the overwhelming sense of warmth and love that came with it all – maybe even a sense of longing too but she didn’t want to think about that. And all of that really led to Lexa trying to ignore how she kept asking herself what it would be like to have a little one of her own.

No part of her was ready for that – and Lexa was entirely disregarding the whole of pregnancy – but maybe…just maybe, she would be okay with it, maybe she actually wanted to be a mom. But that brought on the whole dilemma of raising a child with someone like Michael, someone who was so much like her own father, someone who could only give their child – especially if they had a daughter – the same childhood she did. Stop, Lexa scolded herself, it was too early to think about that, she didn’t want to think about it, it was too complicated, she didn’t know how to quite deal with what she was feeling and thinking, and it was a lot easier to shut that down for a little while longer. Once she went back home and was away from sweet little Toby, Lexa knew she would be back to her old self – or at least, she was hoping for that.

It didn’t take long, probably all of five minutes before Toby was calming down and his squirming settling as he rested in his aunt’s arms. Lexa smiled down at him, pleased with herself but it really wasn’t too difficult to get him to stop crying; all she really did was bounce him a little while talking to him and soon enough Toby was too distracted to even remember why he was screaming his head off. “Why don’t we go join everyone in the dining room, huh?” Lexa asked as she stood up from the couch with him. “Is that okay with you, Toby?” He made a small noise, his face scrunching into what looked like a smile for a moment before poking his tongue out, and Lexa couldn’t help but brush a kiss to the top of his head.

She walked on over to the dining room again, saying hello to her family who looked very surprised that she was back so soon and with a very calm Toby resting against her chest.

“Someone looks to be in a much better mood.” Titus commented as he looked at the baby in Lexa’s arms, his eyes following them as Lexa returned to her chair. “Did you just want a little attention from your aunt?”

“I think so,” Lexa smiled as she returned to her chair. “And he wanted to join everyone again, didn’t you Toby?”

Toby blew a raspberry at her, earning an affectionate laugh from Nia. “She’s a natural,” Nia said to Michael. “You two are going to have a much easier time when you have kids.”

“She really is,” Titus agreed, a pointed look at Roan before turning to Michael and Lexa. “You look more than ready to be a mother, Alexandria.”

“She’ll make a great mom, I’m sure of it.” Michael agreed, his tone light and not wanting to disrespect Titus. But truth be told, he was getting a little annoyed with how persistent he was about them starting a family. Nia wasn’t nearly as bad, she hadn’t mentioned it – not to him at least – since they came over, but Titus had more than once. “But not just yet.” He let out a small laugh, Lexa nodding alongside it. “We’ve decided to wait, right honey?”

Lexa’s attention was on Toby, and she looked up at the question. “Yes,” She answered. “I think I have aunt duties to tend to for now.”

“Well,” Nia started with a sigh, “At least someone knows how to handle him.”

Everyone had retired to the living room to relax and have a little family time after dinner but Lexa was the one cleaning up in the kitchen. Nia had offered to help but Lexa was adamant in telling her to take it easy for the rest of the night because she had done more than enough – not to mention, Lexa wanted some alone time, away from the rest of the family, and if anything, it was almost relaxing as she went about putting things away and wiping counters. She had just finished loading the dishwasher when she saw someone come in from the corner of her eye. With a sigh, she closed the machine and pressed the button to start it, saying goodbye to her very brief time alone before turning to find Sheila.

“That was a shit move you pulled, Alex.” She sounded annoyed at Lexa, coming to stand cross-armed across the breakfast bar from her.

“That’s not my name.” Lexa reminded her yet again, “And what are you talking about?”

“Over dinner, with Toby,” She reminded. “You seriously undermined me in front of your parents.”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about.” Lexa didn’t, she couldn’t quite think of anything she did that would make Sheila upset at her. “All I did was get him to stop crying.”

“Exactly!” Sheila exclaimed. “I had been trying to for like half an hour and then you swoop in and within five minutes, manage to soothe him.”

“Okay?” Lexa still didn’t see what the problem was. “And?”

“You made me look bad in front of parents.” Sheila repeated. “Your mom doesn’t like me as it is, she doesn’t think I can take care of my own kid, and you coming in and doing something like that doesn’t help.”

“I didn’t mean to do anything.” Lexa wasn’t thinking about anything like that when she went over to take Toby, all she was trying to do was get him to stop crying and comfort him. “He had been crying for so long,” She reminded. “And I was just trying to help, I don’t like listening to that little guy cry.”

“I’m his mom, you think I like hearing him cry?”

Lexa felt her jaw click, she was only trying to do something nice – not for Sheila or Roan’s sake but for Toby’s. “What do you want me to do, Sheila?” She asked throwing her hands up in the air, doing her best to keep the annoyance out of her voice. “Get him crying again so you can prove to everyone you are a capable mom?”

Sheila scoffed, a surprised look on her face at being spoken to like that. “What crawled up your ass today?”

“Maybe I’ve had a long day on no sleep at all and am just not in the mood to take shit from you.” She took it from everyone else, her parents, her husband, her brother, and Lexa wasn’t going to be taking it from Sheila too. In her eyes, Sheila had no right to speak to her like that, she did not have that kind of authority over her.

“And you’re saying that’s because of Toby?” He had been up most of the night crying after all, but Sheila didn’t think he was keeping anyone up.

“No, I’m saying it’s because of you.” Lexa answered matter-of-factly. “You don’t know how to take care of your own son. Same at dinner tonight, because if you did I wouldn’t have had to step in and, what did you say I did?” She pretended to think about it for a moment, “Oh right, I wouldn’t have had to step in and make you look bad in front of my parents. But,” Lexa shrugged, “At least someone knows how to take care of him in this house.”

“What are you trying to say?” Sheila questioned, “Are you saying I’m a bad mother?”

Lexa remained silent for a moment, she was sick and tired of everyone in this house and with the way they all just kept pushing her buttons. And at this moment, it felt like there was only one person she was allowed to snap back at too, “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

Before Sheila could respond, Roan was coming into the kitchen, with a very unhappy look. “What did you just say to her?” He demanded, stepping up to Lexa and grabbing her arm.

“You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t hear it.” Lexa said past gritted teeth, almost regretting speaking her mind.

“What…” Roan pulled her arm back, “…did you say…” He continued to pull her arm behind her and up her back. “…to her?”

Lexa felt him pulling it back past how far her arm should go, hurting and straining as he refused to stop. But she stood her ground, not letting him see that he was hurting her.

“Apologize.” Roan’s voice was quiet and threatening, it had been a while since he had gotten physical with his sister.

“Let go, Roan.” Lexa struggled against him, feeling as he pulled back with more force, yanking on her arm and putting strain on her shoulder joint.

“Not until you apologize.” It would have been fine if he just held her there like that but Roan was still pulling on her arm and the pain was getting to the point where it was becoming increasingly difficult for Lexa to stay quiet.

Lexa swallowed back a whimper, “I have nothing to apologize for.” She hissed back at him instead, her heart pounding in her chest at the pain.

“You forgot how to behave, little sister.” Roan scolded. “Too long away from your family, maybe your husband doesn’t know how to keep you in line.”

“Let me go.” Lexa told him again, more a statement than a request.

“I guess he doesn’t know just how difficult you can be, huh?”

Lexa let out a whimper in pain, eyes tearing up. “Roan, let me go.”

Roan twisted a bit more instead of replying, not intending for it happen but before he knew it, he felt a pop followed by a loud cry from Lexa and he was letting go in a panic as she fell onto the floor.

Lexa cradled her left shoulder in her other arm, tears streaming down her face at the pain while she tried to sit back on the floor. She didn’t see him coming in, or hear what Michael said to Roan because her ears were ringing, the only sound being the noise of the blood rushing and heart pounding, all her thoughts occupied by the pain in her shoulders. Lexa didn’t know much of what was going on around her, the shooting pain in her arm going up her neck and down to the tips of her fingers. She didn’t even notice it when Roan fell to his knees after Michael punched him. But before she knew it, Michael was at her side, Roan groaning and grabbing at his face.

“Hey,” Michael went up next to her, hands gently reaching for her arm. “Alexandria look at me.”

“Hurts,” Lexa looked up past her tears, breathing ragged as she tried to remain as still as possible.

Michael’s eyes were on the injured shoulder, gently grabbing her arm to get an idea of how bad it was. “Come on,” His hands went to her sides, helping her up on her feet.

Lexa let him help her up, the pain having radiated to her entire left side and Lexa found it hard to stay upright. Michael circled his arm around her waist, holding her up and letting her lean against him. “It’s dislocated.” Lexa let Michael guide her out of the kitchen.

“It looks like it, yeah.” Michael agreed, not bothering to look at anyone else as they made their way to the front door, and he draped a jacket over Lexa’s shoulders before opening the door to leave. “Come on, let’s get you in the car,” It was freezing outside, and that would only make the pain worse. “I need to take you to the hospital.”

Chapter Text

Lexa leaned back into the bed in the treatment room, the door closed, and an I.V. drip in her left arm to deliver the painkillers as quickly and efficiently as possible to help reduce the pain. The doctor tending to her had only gotten her shoulder back in its place a few minutes ago before the nurse helped her put a sling on and settle into bed. Now Lexa was waiting to be taken for an X-ray to ensure there wasn’t any damage to the bones or ligaments in the affected area. But before that, they wanted to talk to her; it was a concerning injury, clearly caused by someone, and they had a responsibility to ensure the patient’s safety. There were two people in the room with her now, the nurse who had just helped her and a new doctor who had just come in to talk to her.

“It wasn’t my husband.” Lexa answered honestly, the doctor had asked how it happened. “I know that’s what you’re wondering.” She hadn’t asked who but just how, but it was clear that their first suspect was the spouse. Lexa was hoping that would be enough of an answer, but they only waited, watching her expectedly for an explanation. “It was my brother.” Lexa resigned with a sigh. “We got into an argument and things got a little physical.” She had been a little worried about coming here, not wanting to have them question Michael or put her in a sticky situation that made Michael think she was telling on him – what happened behind the doors of their home, stayed there, it was no one else’s concern. But any mark that was put on her body by him were long gone by now, there was nothing visible, nothing to incriminate him and make any of the medical professionals question whether this was the only instance she had been hurt by someone close to her.

Michael was waiting outside the room, he was asked to wait while they treated her and of course, they wanted to talk to her in private. There were procedures in place when patients came in with injuries like this, the first was to get them alone and ensure they were safe, and if it was indeed caused by someone, they then asked if the patient wanted to speak to the police. Which is exactly what the doctor offered Lexa, asking if she wanted them to call the police but Lexa declined, saying it wasn’t worth the trouble because her and her husband didn’t live here anyways and they were going home soon.

After their talk, she was taken to get an X-ray. It didn’t take too long, and before Lexa knew it she was laying back in one of the beds in the emergency room waiting for the doctor to return with them. The pain wasn’t too bad anymore, the painkillers taking effect and making her feel drowsy and sleepy as she leaned against Michael’s side. He was sitting next to her, his arm around her lower back and holding her close to him. He had been surprisingly nice the entire time they were here, comforting and sweet in a way Lexa didn’t get to see very often. But after the ordeal at her parents’ house, Lexa was more than happy to receive some sort of comfort and affection regardless of whom it was coming from without questioning it.

“We’ll go home tomorrow.” Michael said after a long moment of silence. “I changed our flights while you were being looked at. I don’t want to spend any more time in that house.”

“Yeah, I don’t either.” Lexa answered, but she hadn’t wanted to ask Michael to do that and ruin his Christmas too. “I just want to go home.” It didn’t particularly surprise Lexa that Michael made this decision on his own rather than asking her if she also wanted to return earlier. But then again, this is how things worked between them, this is how it worked in their relationship, her opinion didn’t matter, didn’t need to be voiced; not only did Michael have the last say, he had the only say.

Michael nodded, kissing the top of her head and Lexa did her best to ignore how it made her feel absolutely nothing. It was supposed to be comforting, a sign of his love and affection, but if Lexa was being entirely honest, it didn’t make her feel anything at all. It was so different from how Clarke made her feel and maybe this was the wrong time to be thinking about that, but she couldn’t help it. Just a touch, a brush of her hand against Lexa’s, even a certain look, could make her feel infinitely more than Michael ever could.

“When can we leave? Or do you need to stay here tonight?”

Michael’s question brought her out of her thoughts, and she shook her head at it. “I don’t think so.” Lexa answered, “We just have to wait till the X-ray comes back but they don’t think there’s any serious damage so we should be able to leave soon.”

“And the sling?”

“A week at most.” Lexa started. “But depending on the X-ray, I’ll have to limit how much strain I put on it for about ten to sixteen weeks.”

“That’s like four months, how will you do anything with it on?”

“That’s only if there’s something seriously wrong.” Lexa reassured him. She knew he wasn’t asking because he was worried about her but rather because her being incapacitated would mean her not being able to carry out her tasks at home. “It’s back in place, and the pain isn’t too bad so I have a good feeling about it.”

They both fell quiet, Michael not needing to ask anything else and Lexa figuring she’d rather not speak right now. She was upset, she was very upset, the last few days had been difficult as it was, and what happened with Roan was enough to push her to the brink. It said a lot that the nicest person since coming back to Polis had been Michael, and right now the one thing – one person – she wanted to be with was more than a couple of states over.

“Hey!”

Abby’s voice startled Clarke, making her jump and turn her head towards the entrance to the living room.

“Get away from the presents.” She scolded her daughter much like she had to every single year since Clarke was old enough to know where the presents were kept.

“But mom,” Clarke whined, it was quite late into the night now, a little past 2am and she was certain Abby had gone to bed.

“You’re not a little kid anymore, you can wait till the morning.” Abby rolled her eyes, pursing her lips and doing her best to not let the smile escape.

“Exactly, I’m not a kid anymore.” Clarke agreed, standing up from her crouching position under the Christmas tree. “I can do what I want.”

“My house, my rules.” Her mom reminded.

This was their Christmas tradition; Clarke came over to stay with her mom the day before Christmas Eve and stayed here until late into the Christmas evening – sometimes even that night too depending on how tired she was. They had a very lowkey dinner together, just the two of them on Christmas Eve, and during the day there were family members stopping by and dropping off presents. Tomorrow night they were going to Clarke’s grandparents’ house for the annual Christmas party; that was the big family event every year, not the Griffins but the Petersons – Abby’s side of the family – and everyone looked forward to it. There was food and alcohol and all the distant family got together, catching up and seeing one another for possibly the one time all year, and generally speaking, everyone had a very nice time.

Clarke didn’t see much of her dad’s side of the family, they lived out of state and Jake was never particularly close to his cousins so Clarke never developed much of a bond with them. His parents had been amazing, and Clarke adored her grandparents from the little she could remember, her grandma passed away when she was five and her grandfather the year after, and Jake didn’t have any siblings so that side of the family was practically nonexistent to Clarke. But the Petersons more than made up for it, Abby had two sisters, both of whom had a handful of children between them and a couple of them even had babies themselves – and then there were all the cousins and uncles and aunts whom Clarke could just barely keep track of. Most importantly, there were her grandparents, she was very close to them, especially her grandfather, and Clarke counted her blessings every year she got to spend with them.

“I have absolutely no patience, mom.” Clarke said to Abby with a straight face. “You know this.”

“Well you’re going to have to get some because I’m not letting you open anything until 8am.”

Clarke stuck her bottom lip out in a pout, clearly displeased and Abby couldn’t help but laugh at it; some things never changed and hopefully their Christmases wouldn’t for a long time. “Can I have a hint at least?” Clarke tried, giving up for now.

“I don’t know what Santa brought you.” Abby answered with a shrug. “I know what I got you but I’m not going to tell you.” She added. “But I don’t know what Santa got you.”

“I honestly feel like we should do presents after midnight.” Clarke suggested with a shrug, much like she had every other year since turning twelve. “It’s technically Christmas.”

“No.” And Abby turned it down like she did every time Clarke suggested it. “Now go to bed.” She watched her daughter with a smile as Clarke rolled her eyes and grumbled something under her breath before doing as asked. “Come on,” Abby circled her arm around her waist as Clarke approached her, kissing her temple and catching her smile as they walked together to the staircase to go back to bed.

Christmas day had been an incredibly tense morning, Lexa actively avoiding making eye contact with her parents or brother, Michael looking like he would punch Roan again if he so much as spoke to him. Thankfully their flight was at noon, so they were out of the Woods’ house early enough – and without saying any goodbyes. Lexa was tired and upset, the painkillers dulling the pain but in turn making her feel groggy and nauseous. She was thankful for Michael taking over everything at the airport, their documents, bags, everything, and all Lexa really had to do was hold his hand and let him lead her to where they needed to go.

She was doing a lot better now, the X-rays confirmed there was nothing to worry about, and the sling could be taken off within five days. The doctor had recommended some stretches and exercises for her shoulder and asked her to avoid straining it in any way for around four to six weeks. But generally speaking, it was fine, it wasn’t too bad and by the day after Christmas, the pain was very subtle. Michael hadn’t been too demanding either, letting her rest her arm and cutting her some slack for housework until the sling was off at least so Lexa figured she didn’t have anything to complain about.

It was the 27^th today, a couple of days past Christmas, and feeling like life was starting to return to normal. Only there was one thing looming over her, and that was Clarke – and what happened the day before she left to go see her parents. They hadn’t seen each other yet, Lexa knowing Clarke was busy with family and Clarke not knowing much more than just the fact that Lexa was back early. They hadn’t talked since, only texted a few times, Lexa telling her it was a long story as to why she and Michael returned sooner than expected and that it would be easier to tell her about it in person. They had a lot to talk about, not just about Lexa’s trip but about the kiss and what that meant for the two of them; Lexa didn’t want to get her hopes up, maybe it was just a fluke, something Clarke did in the heat of the moment, besides if it did mean more than that, it would complicate things all over again.

But Clarke was coming over today, Michael was at work and Clarke had time off from work until tomorrow because the museum was still closed. Michael had taken time off to go visit Lexa’s parents for Christmas but since they were back early, he decided to go back to work and save up those holidays for when they’d actually need them. And Lexa was so grateful for that, she had spent enough time with her family and Michael, and right now she needed a break from it all. Not to mention, she had been wanting to see Clarke for a while now, she missed her and after the time she had while away, she didn’t just want to be with her, she felt like she almost needed it.

Clarke was running a little late though, and it seemed like they wouldn’t get more than a couple of hours together before Michael was back home because one of Clarke’s friends had an emergency. Clarke had offered to come over tomorrow instead, spend more time together but Lexa was adamant about it being today, she had spent enough time away from her and didn’t want to wait any longer, even if she got to see Clarke for only a little while.

Lexa was sitting in the living room with a cup of tea when the doorbell rang, and knowing it could be no one other than Clarke, she sprang to her feet and went to answer it. She hadn’t told her about the shoulder, or the sling, and that completely slipped her mind when she opened the door to greet her. But her mistake was instantly made clear by the look of shock and horror on Clarke’s face.

“What happened?!” Clarke exclaimed, hands coming up but stopping just short of touching her in fear of hurting Lexa further.

“Long story,” Lexa answered with a sigh, holding the door open. “Come inside, I’ll tell you all about it if you want.”

Clarke gave her a nod and stepped over the threshold and into the hallway, waiting until Lexa had closed the door before asking, “What did Michael do?”

“It wasn’t him.” Lexa answered, leading Clarke to the living room. “It was my brother.” She explained, waiting for Clarke to sit down before doing the same and finding her own spot next to Clarke.

“What?” Clarke questioned, she knew Lexa didn’t have the best relationship with her brother but she didn’t know it was this bad. And maybe she shouldn’t be surprised by it, but it was upsetting to hear yet another person close to her treated her like this.

Lexa leaned back in her seat, head turned to Clarke before telling her about the events of the night – and the days leading up to it. Clarke could hear it in her voice, hear how tired and upset she was, how entirely done she was with all of it, and all Clarke could do was place her arm around Lexa’s shoulder and listen to her. She was glad that Lexa opened up to her, happy that she could be that person for her, show her some sort of support, and be there for her when something had gone wrong. But it didn’t help that there was nothing Clarke could do to change it or prevent something like that from happening again.

“The only good part of this entire trip was getting to meet Toby.” Lexa said as she finished recapping her holiday with her family. “He is so cute, Clarke.” There was a small smile on her lips as she told Clarke about her nephew, “And he has the cutest little smile.”

“Do you have any pictures?” Clarke asked expectedly, wanting to see Lexa with a baby and possibly even happy.

“I do,” Lexa moved up and away from Clarke’s arm, she was settled against her side but had to get up to retrieve her phone. “I left my phone in the kitchen,” She told her, “I’ll be right back.”

She returned moments later, fingers tapping on the screen to pull up the photo album and find the photos she was talking about. It didn’t take long, there weren’t too many photos on her phone anyways, but the last almost dozen were of Toby – either alone, or with her, or even with Michael. It was actually one of the things that had surprised Lexa when they were there, Michael took to Toby very easily too, he knew what to do and how to engage with the baby, and Lexa is certain she had seen him with their nephew more than she saw Roan interacting with Toby. Which may have brought forth more conflicting emotions and thoughts, making her wonder what sort of father Michael would end up being if they had a son, whether he would be more involved than her brother was – or her father when her and Roan were babies.

Lexa pushed those thoughts to the back of her head as she found the photos and returned to her seat next to Clarke. “Here,” She handed her the phone, “Keep scrolling to the end,” Clarke took it from her and looked at the photo it was opened to, Lexa holding Toby with her face mostly hidden with the baby looking up with a smile.

“Oh my god,” Clarke started as she looked at it, “He is so cute.”

They went through the photos together, Clarke scrolling through them at her own pace, listening to Lexa tell her about them, little stories of Toby, and it was very clear that he was the best – and only good – part of this entire trip. Lexa looked happy in the handful of photos she was in with him, a light in her eyes and an easy smile on her lips when with the baby. It pulled at Clarke’s heartstrings, bringing up pleasant and equally unpleasant thoughts with them; she looked happy with Toby, it looked so natural on her. And Clarke would be lying if she said the briefest thought of being able to see that every day for the rest of her life didn’t sound entirely too good.

Clarke had never given much thought to having a family of her own, but she knew she wanted one, and she knew with absolute certainty that she never wanted to get pregnant. She hadn’t thought about the details of it though, or when she would even want to, never mind ever putting thought into whom that was going to be with. But seeing Lexa like this, seeing that smile and the way her eyes sparkled in a way Clarke had never known it to…yeah, it was making her want something she never thought she would want so early on, or well, at least not with someone before even knowing where they stood with each other in terms of their relationship. Which is what brought her to the more unpleasant thoughts, and seeing Michael with Toby solidified them too. There was a very high chance of Lexa becoming pregnant with her husband’s baby after all, and Clarke knew that, Clarke knew that was more likely than it ever being her and Lexa. And the thought of that just filled her with this inexplainable sense of dread.

Looking up at Lexa once they were finished looking through the photos, Clarke had a suspicion Lexa was feeling something similar too. There was a heaviness in her posture, a weariness in her eyes, and all Clarke wanted was to wrap her arms around her and make her feel okay. But they needed to talk, there was a lot still hanging in the air between them, a lot of things that needed to be talked through and sorted.

“Can we talk about what happened that day in my office?” Clarke asked carefully, fully prepared to put it off for a few more days if that’s what Lexa needed right now – she had a rough last few days and this was the least Clarke could do.

Lexa let out a small sigh and looked up at Clarke, almost pleading with her to not do it right now. But she owed Clarke much, owed her a conversation after that – right? “Can we not today?” She asked carefully instead, almost waiting for Clarke to get angry at that but she only watched her patiently. “I’m just so tired after everything that happened,” Lexa explained. “I don’t think I have the energy or the emotional capacity to have a proper conversation about it.”

Clarke nodded understandingly; they did need to have a proper conversation about it, a very serious one because it was clear how they both felt, and it was only a matter of figuring out what they should do about it now. And that meant Lexa needed to be in the right headspace for it. “Yeah, yeah of course.”

“I’m really sorry, it’s ju-”

Clarke shook her head, stopping her. “You don’t have to apologize, I get it.” She gave her a small smile, wanting to reassure her that it was, in fact, fine. “Oh right!” Clarke suddenly remembered, she had been meaning to ask Lexa since finding out she was coming home earlier. “Do you and Michael have any plans for New Year’s Eve?”

“I don’t think so,” Lexa answered. “Why?”

“I’m throwing a little party.” Clarke started. “Me and my friends take turns hosting every year and it’s my turn this year. I didn’t think you and Michael would be back from your parents’ but since you’re here now, I’d love it if you came.”

“Both of us?” Lexa questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at her expression. “I think it looks…” She thought about what she wanted to say, not sure what words to put to it. “…better, and not suspicious, if I invite you both. Because all my non-single friends are coming with their respective partners.” Clarke explained. “Not to mention, I think the likelihood of you being able to come is higher if he’s invited too.”

“That’s a very good point.” Lexa agreed, still unsure about where her and Clarke stood with their relationship. But Clarke wanting to spend more time with her was a good sign, it had to be. “I’ll ask him, I don’t think he has any other plans so we should be able to make it.”

Chapter Text

The sling was finally off of her shoulder, and Lexa was still celebrating having her freedom back to move her arm. It felt a lot better now, she had been doing the stretches and exercises the doctor back in Polis had recommended, and even though it had only been a few days, Lexa had almost full range of motion back in the shoulder with minimal pain. Lifting anything heavy – or even remotely heavy – or stretching her arm out too far in any direction still hurt, a tightness that reminded her to stop and be more careful. But there were things that needed to be done in the house, chores that couldn’t wait for her to heal entirely so Lexa could only listen to her body so much. The worst the past couple of days had to be loading and unloading the dishwasher, making the bed, and doing the laundry today proved to be a mistake because carrying the basket full of clothes down to the basement led to her shoulder being sore and tender for the rest of the day.

Clarke’s party was tonight, and Lexa was very much looking forward to it. Michael had been quick to agree to go, saying it would be a fun way to spend the night and that he liked Clarke so it was about time he got to know his wife’s new friend a little better. He was encouraging of their friendship, saying it was a good thing that Lexa was making friends in Arkadia and that too with someone like Clarke; Michael immediately liked her given Abby’s position in the church, concluding that Clarke must be the sort of person they would want in their lives.

“You should invite her over again sometime,” Michael said as the two of them went about getting dressed for the party. “I like that you’re making decent friends here, and I want to get to know them too.”

The decent was directed at her friends from back in Polis, people from work she had befriended for the short while she worked at the magazine company straight out of college. Michael didn’t approve of them, saying they were a bad influence, with the wrong sort of morals, and he didn’t want his girlfriend – potential life partner – to be associated with them. That was what had drawn Lexa to them in the first place, the couple of people she liked to spend time with outside of work were more liberal and open-minded than her family and boyfriend. A couple of them were queer too, and although Lexa wasn’t out to anyone – and forcing herself to believe she was straight – it felt nice to be around people who made her feel a little more normal.

She didn’t work too long, Lexa started straight after college, but her and Michael started dating only a month later. Titus and Nia were adamant about it when they set them up for a date, saying now that she had graduated, it was time to start thinking about the next stages of her life. That was mostly due to the fact that they didn’t want to offer Lexa any sort of freedom so she would have any sort of opportunity to deviate and give in to her urges. There was no secret in that, they didn’t try to mask their motives in any way, they were very upfront about it with Lexa, telling her straight that this is why they wanted her to settle down with a respectable man.

“It’ll be nice to meet Clarke’s friends too.” Michael commented as Lexa sat at the dresser, doing her makeup. “You’ve met some of them, right?”

Lexa nodded, picking up her lipstick. “At her birthday, yes.” She looked down at the lipstick in her hand, reconsidering which color she wanted. “They’re all really nice.” Lexa told him, “You’ll like them.” And they were going to like him too, Michael had that effect on people, he was incredibly charismatic and had an easygoing vibe about him.

“I think so.” Michael said as he stood in front of the mirror, tying his tie. He liked Clarke after all, so it was a reasonable assumption to make that he would like her friends too. “I haven’t had the chance to meet too many people outside of work, so this will be a good opportunity.” He worked his fingers through the strip of fabric, pulling it taut into a neat knot against his throat. “As much as I like the guys from work, it would be nice to branch out a little.”

“It should be a fun night,” Lexa settled on the darker one, a deep maroon lipstick that she didn’t get the chance to wear too often. They didn’t go out much, Lexa didn’t get the opportunity to dress up; during the week Michael was tired after work to do anything else, and the weekend was for him to rest and unwind. Lexa didn’t complain though, she spent more than enough time with him but it would probably be nice to go out a little more, not so much to spend time with Michael but rather as an outlet for herself. They used to go out more before moving to Arkadia, and Michael had said it would be like this for a while because he was just starting out at his job here and wanted to set a good foundation for their future. So he wasn’t able to give her as much time as he would like to – something Lexa preferred, if she was being honest.

“You ready to go?” Michael asked as he turned around to look at her, watching Lexa recap the tube and set it back on the table.

“Yeah.” Lexa stood up as she answered, straightening out the front of her dress before following Michael out of the bedroom and down the stairs.

“You look nice,” Michael complimented as they stepped outside the house and he locked the door. “I don’t get to see you dress up all that often.”

“Haven’t had an excuse to put on a dress in a while,” Lexa responded with a smile as they approached the car. “But Clarke was very clear about the dress code.”

Michael let out a small in agreement, nodding as he opened the door and entered the car, Lexa following. “That she was.” She had called him later that night after Lexa had told him, wanting to invite him herself – in hopes of it convincing him because Clarke really wanted to see Lexa.

The New Year’s Eve parties had a very distinct theme every year depending on who was hosting. And by now, it was an unsaid rule that it was going to remain that way for a very long time – and it gave them a nice variety too. Raven’s parties were a fancy dress, she switched up the theme year to year, Clarke threw the more formal and elegant parties, wanting her guests to dress up, and Octavia preferred a good old-fashioned house party. One thing that was consistent amongst the three was the fact that there was a lot of alcohol and food, and everyone had a great night that led to awful hangovers.

Everything was ready for the night; Clarke was dressed, the first round of food was set out, the drinks were chilled and the makeshift minibar set up, and all there was to do now was wait for her guests to arrive. Last year was at Raven’s and she had gone all out with an Alice in Wonderland themed fancy dress party, setting the bar quite high for Clarke and Octavia to follow in the prospective years. So Clarke was hoping she had done enough for tonight to be a good one. Octavia’s ones tended to be the same, it was nostalgic almost to go to a house party after college, and although it was the one that had the least effort put into it, it was still a good one.

“Catra, away from the food.” Clarke waved her hand between the cat and the table laid out with party food. She was eyeing the contents of the table, her body language telling Clarke that Catra was about to jump. “It’s not for you.”

Catra meowed at her, turning around and strutting away to the opposite side of the room. She was good with people, even in large crowds or Clarke wasn’t worried about that, and Catra was mostly well-behaved around food, she would listen if Clarke told her no – but that no had to be said.

“There’s snacks in your bowl in the kitchen.” Clarke said to her, nodding in the general direction of the kitchen. There was water and dry food for Catra to graze on throughout the day; other than dinner – when she got her wet food, Catra didn’t like to eat a lot at once, preferring rather to snack so Clarke made sure there was enough food available throughout the day. “Or just ignore me,” She shook her head, watching as Catra curled up in her bed instead.

Clarke huffed out a small laugh at her, picking up her phone and navigating over to her playlist before connecting it to the Amazon Echo in her living room. Before locking the screen, she checked the time, the device telling her people should be arriving within the next five minutes or so. She had invited her guests for 10 pm; knowing it would run late into the night, Clarke didn’t want to start too early. But knowing what most of her friends were like, she had a feeling they would be late. There was only one person – okay, two – Clarke could count on to be on time, she knew Lexa and Michael would be here at exactly 10 pm.

As if right on cue, the doorbell sounded, indicating her first guests had arrived. Clarke did a once over of the living room as she stepped away, making sure everything was in place before making her way to the front door and answering. She didn’t bother asking who it was or even checking, but rather putting on a smile and fixing her hair with one hand as the other unlocked the latch and opened it. She was greeted by exactly who she was expecting, Michael and Lexa with smiles on their faces, his arm around her waist while the other held a bottle of wine and Lexa a bouquet of flowers for their host. It was nothing short of the picture-perfect depiction of a married couple – as long as you didn’t know what went on behind their closed door that is.

“Are we early?” Michael asked as Clarke held the door open and ushered them inside.

“No, no,” Clarke shook her head, “On time. But unfortunately, most of my friends aren’t quite as punctual.” She added lightly, taking the bottle from him. “Thank you, you really didn’t have to.”

“I never go to someone’s house empty-handed, especially if it’s the first time.” Michael responded as he followed Clarke into the house, walking next to her with Lexa a step behind on his heels.

“Take a seat or grab a drink.” Clarke offered as they reached the living room, Catra raising her head from her bed to look at their guests. “I’m going to put these in some water.” She nodded toward the flowers in Lexa’s hand.

“Is she friendly?” Michael asked about Catra, Lexa had mentioned Clarke’s cat a couple of times so he knew of her.

“That’s debatable.” Clarke shrugged. “She’s not unfriendly, but she’s not very warm and cuddly either.”

Catra seemed to know she was being talked about and got up from her bed to stretch, Clarke not being able to help herself when the oh big stretch escaped her lips and she rolled her eyes at herself. It was cute, Lexa had to bite back a smile at it, Catra was less like a pet to Clarke and more like a roommate who didn’t talk. She watched as the cat made her way over to Michael and circled around his feet, then looked up and meowed, but before he could lean down to pet her, Catra was walking away towards Lexa to say hi.

“I swear she likes her more than me,” Clarke joked as they watched Catra headbutt Lexa’s leg before rubbing the length of her body against her. “Give me a hand?” She turned her eyes to Lexa, asking to come into the kitchen with her.

“Yeah, sure.” Lexa nodded, knowing very well that it was less of Clarke wanting her to help out with whatever it was but to rather be alone for a moment away from Michael.

The night was going better than Clarke could have anticipated. It wasn’t long after Lexa and Michael arrived that her friends began to as well, and now she had a packed house full of people drinking and eating and enjoying themselves. She didn’t want to toot her own horn, but she had done a good job with this party, everyone seemed to be having a good time, the food and drinks were a hit, and even Catra was socializing with their guests. Clarke wouldn’t call her a great host – because her motives were purely to get food off of the guests – but she was being a lot nicer than her usual grumpy self. Or maybe it was the fact that the music and all the talking meant she couldn’t sleep.

Lexa and Michael both looked to be having a good time too, Michael was mingling with Clarke’s friends, making easy conversation between drinks and appetizers. He was very charismatic, Clarke was only just realizing it tonight but unless anyone knew what he was like in private, he was a very likable person. There was just a way about him, the smile and inquisitive eyes, listening with intent to what the other person said, asking follow-up questions, and always having something meaningful to add to the conversation. Everyone he spoke to was hooked on every one of his words, whether that be Octavia and Lincoln or Jasper and Monty, Michael had a very rare talent.

Lexa was enjoying herself tonight, Clarke unable to help but smile every time she glanced over across the room or to her side and found Lexa talking to one of her friends. She looked at ease, happy, making jokes and smiling, a lightness about her movement that made Clarke feel like she would have thrown this whole party just for Lexa to be able to see her like this. She wasn’t glued to Michael’s side either – something that happened more so because of him than Lexa – he was happy enough to let her go about and mingle while he did the same. Michael wasn’t…possessive of her, not in the way Clarke would have imagined, out in the public eye, they looked like a very normal married couple; he didn’t seem controlling and Lexa didn’t look unhappy.

Clarke had just left from talking with Wells and Michael, they had started talking about cars and Clarke took that as her cue to leave. She made a stop at the drinks table, surveying the contents to check whether or not she needed to refill anything, before picking up two glasses of the cranberry martini and scanning the room to find Lexa. She was only a few feet away, engrossed in a conversation with Raven and Anya, and an empty glass in hand. This was the second time Clarke had seen her drinking – the first being the first time they hooked up – and although she wasn’t anywhere close to being drunk, she was approaching tipsy. And Clarke would be lying if she said she didn’t look all too cute with the way her cheeks were flushed and her smiles came a little easier.

Clarke walked up to the three of them, wordlessly replacing the glass in Lexa’s hand with the full one as she came to stand next to her.

“See, I was right to worry.” Raven said seriously to Anya who only rolled her eyes.

“What?” Clarke wasn’t sure what they had been talking about.

“She’s worried Lexa’s going to steal you from her and Octavia.” Anya explained, her usual uninterested tone not masking the amusement all that well.

Lexa hid a smile behind the now full glass, not realizing how her body gravitated towards Clarke’s, closing the distance as much as possible without it seeming too suspicious.

“My glass is empty too, Clarke.” Raven said in an attempt to make a point.

“You don’t even have a glass.”

“Exactly! Which means I definitely need a refill.”

That earned a laugh from Lexa and Anya, Anya’s hand going on Raven’s lower back and rubbing reassuringly while Lexa ducked her head to hide her face. Clarke leaned her head in a little closer, speaking quietly into her ear, “Don’t hide it,” She whispered to her, “You look cute when you laugh.”

Lexa felt the warmth in her cheeks as she heard what Clarke said, and she didn’t want to admit she was blushing, rather blaming the alcohol for it instead. It wasn’t too loud in the house, but it was loud enough that no one else would have heard Clarke even if she hadn’t said it in a whisper.

“And now they’re leaving us out of their conversations.” Raven added with an exaggerated sigh. She didn’t mean any of this seriously, she liked Lexa a lot and was more than happy that Clarke had found someone outside of their current friend group that fit in so well with them. Okay, this was only the second time she had met Lexa, but Raven would want to see more of her, would like to get to know her better, and it seemed like Anya was getting along with her too – and that was quite rare, Anya disliked more people than not.

“Control your woman, Anya.” Clarke shook her head in mock disapproval. Yes, Raven was dating Luna, but she was dating Anya too. Luna and Anya weren’t romantic with one another but they were good friends too and spent a good amount of time together. Raven was the only one out of them who was polyamorous, but Anya and Luna were very comfortable with their relationship. Luna wasn’t here tonight, she was out of town visiting her family and Raven was very tempted to drive up to her because how could she only kiss one of her girlfriends into the new year, it simply wasn’t acceptable.

“One minute people!” It was unmistakably Jasper’s voice, calling out to let the party know they were nearing the New Year. “Go find your partners or friends or whoever you’re kissing at midnight.”

Lexa couldn’t help the sigh that escaped and she hoped Raven or Anya didn’t catch the disappointed look on her face before she caught herself. She turned her eyes to Clarke’s, finding her eyes looking at her lips and Lexa had to take a step back and clear her throat to get her attention. “I should go find-”

“Yeah, yeah.” And just like that it was awkward, Clarke hoped the uneasiness in her features wasn’t too obvious or that Anya and Raven had enough alcohol to not notice it. She sighed as Lexa walked away, off to find her husband, making her ask herself once again what she was even doing with Lexa, or what it could ever lead to.

“Clarke, who are you kissing?” Raven asked, no doubt not having caught the way she looked when Lexa walked away from them.

“Well I only have one single friend who wants to kiss me,” Clarke answered with a shrug.

“I’d kiss you if you’d let me,” Raven answered, it wouldn’t be the first time. They all agreed during their college years that a little kissing between friends didn’t mean all that much. If they were both being honest, they thought for a while that they had a crush on each other, but after trying to pursue it, they realized it wasn’t anything romantic but that they just had a very open friendship.

“You can’t kiss me and Anya at the same time.” Clarke reminded, pointing at the other woman standing next to her.

“I mean I would try if Luna was here tonight.”

“She has tried before.” Anya added with a sigh then turned her head out towards the crowd and called out, “Wells!” The person in question turned their head in the direction of his name, looking at Anya questioningly, “Get your ass over here.”

Much like Raven, Clarke and Wells had known each other since they were very young. Actually, Wells was Clarke’s first friend and it was really sweet how they had remained just as close as they were when they were toddlers. His dad and Clarke’s were very good friends, and with Wells being only a week older than Clarke, they practically grew up together. But their relationship was far from a sibling-like one, they dated for a whole month in their freshman year of high school, and after an amicable breakup – and Wells realizing he was gay – they went back to being friends. It didn’t affect their closeness, if anything it was nice…getting it out of the way instead of wondering what could have been. And there was this running joke that Clarke turned him gay.

By the time Wells made his way across the room to Clarke, the crowd had started the ten-second countdown. He was her midnight kiss, and she was his. It was no more than just a peck on the lips followed by warm smiles and hugs because they were both single – well, Clarke didn’t know if she would call herself single, but she didn’t know what she would call what she had with Lexa, mostly because they hadn’t had the chance to talk yet – and they didn’t want to be left out while almost every other person around them kissed.

But when Clarke looked over Well’s shoulder while hugging him, her eyes found Lexa in the middle of a very soft and tender kiss with Michael and it felt like someone had knocked the air out of her lungs. Suddenly the night wasn’t going well anymore, suddenly Clarke was overcome with an awful feeling she didn’t have a name for – with a touch of jealousy – and all Clarke wanted was to run off to her room and hide behind a locked door. Yes, she knew Lexa was married, she knew that meant her and Michael were affectionate towards one another, so it wasn’t a surprise. But just…seeing it in front of her, seeing Lexa kiss someone that wasn’t her, being held by someone that wasn’t her…it set off a fire within her.

So ten minutes after the clock struck midnight, Clarke asked Lexa to give her a hand in the kitchen to bring out the last of snacks and drinks as an excuse to get her alone. The kitchen was far enough away from everyone else, and the door was closed so they would get more privacy here than anywhere else. The look Clarke gave Lexa when asking her to help was enough to tell her that it wasn’t to get the rest of the food out but for something much more personal, so she hadn’t questioned it, only walked off with Clarke and let her lead her into the kitchen and close the door behind them.

Clarke watched her for a long moment, their eyes unmoving, having a silent conversation amongst themselves with just their looks while Clarke did her best to stop herself from jumping Lexa right now. She looked beautiful tonight, the phthalo green dress brought out the grayish green of her eyes and hugged every perfect curve of her body while the –  very modest – slit in the side showed off just a sliver of skin and Clarke couldn’t help but imagine what it would feel like to slip her hand up her leg. Oh and then there was the lipstick she chose to wear tonight, it was almost like Lexa was provoking her and all Clarke wanted was to kiss her, wanted to let her leave lipstick marks all over her.

“You look gorgeous tonight.” Clarke was finally able to freely compliment her. “And I don’t think…” She took a step towards her, closing the distance with every word. “…it’s being entirely appreciated.”

“Is that so?” Lexa feigned innocence, batting her eyes at Clarke as she leaned against the counter. “How should I be appreciated?” Maybe it was the alcohol in her system, maybe it was knowing she and Clarke were in a different place right now – not that she knew what exactly that was – but Lexa didn’t feel as held back by her inhibitions.

“Maybe like this,” Clarke’s hands went to rest on her hips, not wasting another moment before finally kissing her. It was rushed and passionate, different from the last kiss they shared in her office, Clarke pushing Lexa further back against the counter as she kissed her.

Lexa smiled against her lips, she had been waiting for this for so long, for Clarke, to feel her hands on her body, her lips against hers. Maybe she was hoping for it tonight too, maybe she put in a little extra thought on what she was going to wear and get all dolled up just for Clarke. She was the only person who would appreciate it after all, Lexa didn’t so much as bother waiting for a compliment from Michael, it wouldn’t come, and even if it did, he would say something that would make her feel disgusted and objectified. And it was so different with Clarke, Clarke made her feel desirable, made her feel attractive and sexy and still like a human being – up until Clarke, Lexa really didn’t think it was possible to be made to feel like that, she always thought anyone showing interest in her physically would make her feel like that’s all they were interested in. But Clarke, oh Clarke knew exactly what to say and what to do and how to touch her to make her feel wanted and desirable.

“Wow,” Clarke breathed out as they came apart for air and took half a step back. Neither of them wanted to break the kiss but the burning in their lungs didn’t give them much choice. Kissing Lexa made her see stars, gave her the same butterflies in her stomach that she got when she had her first kiss, exciting and new, but then somehow it also felt familiar and comfortable, like this is how it had always been. “Now that’s how you go into the new year.”

“We’re a few minutes la-.” Lexa reminded, her body arching on its own accord, wanting to close the distance between their bodies.

“Hush,” Clarke shushed her, a finger on her lips to keep from dwelling on what their actual midnights were like. “That’s not important.” She shook her head. “Better late than never.”

Lexa mirrored the smile on Clarke’s lips, soft and easy, the fierceness of the kiss now gone and replaced by a gentleness that made Lexa’s heart flutter. She gave her a short nod, leaning her head to lead her forehead against Clarke’s before speaking, “Happy new year, Clarke.”

Chapter Text

It had been a really good night, better than Lexa could have expected it to be. The party was a very fun time; Michael was always much easier to be around when they were around more people, Lexa got to spend some time with Clarke’s friends again – and meet a few new ones too – which was nice. Most importantly though, she got to spend the entire night with Clarke; sure, they weren’t alone for most of it, but it was still with her and Lexa was more than happy with it. And well, they did a little time alone too, a small moment together, just the two of them and Lexa could still feel Clarke’s lips on hers.

They still hadn’t talked about their relationship though, or what any of this meant for them. But it seemed like they were both in silent agreement that they wanted more than a friendship, and at the moment they were both happy with how things were. They needed to talk, they both knew that but maybe right now it was fine the way it was, maybe they could take it one day at a time. It would be a lot less complicated if they could just do that but it wasn’t entirely realistic or a remotely smart thing to do. So yes, they would talk about it, talk about what they wanted out of this and what was even realistic to want. Clarke knew Lexa didn’t have much choice in her relationship with Michael, knew that it wouldn’t be as simple as Lexa leaving him because that was what she wanted, so it was going to be a complicated conversation to say the least, they would need to figure out how to move forward.

But that was for later, they didn’t need to worry about it right this moment, things could continue the way they were for a little bit longer.

“Ready to go?” Michael asked as Lexa emerged into the hallway with her purse from the living room.

Lexa wasn’t sure he would be up and willing to do much today after the late night they’d had, but she had told Clarke she would come over in the morning to help her clean up and Michael had plans with his friends to play golf, so he was dropping Lexa off. He was very encouraging of their friendship, didn’t object to them spending time, and he figured if he was going to be out anyways, he’d rather she spend time with someone he approved of. And as much as Lexa wanted to just spend time with Clarke, she had thrown one hell of a party, and it wasn’t fair that she had to deal with the aftermath of it all on her own so Lexa wanted to go over and give her a hand.

“What time are you going to be back?” Lexa asked while they sat in the car, wanting to know when she’d need to be back home too.

“Not for a while,” Michael replied, slowing down and coming to a halt in front of Clarke’s. “I’ll be with the guys the entire day, might go for a drink after too.” He added. “And if it gets late, we’ll probably get dinner too. So you don’t need to rush at Clarke’s.”

Lexa nodded in response, “Okay, just let me know if you do come back earlier.” She added with a polite smile, “Then I’ll get home before you do.”

“All right,” He gave a short nod as Lexa opened the door and exited the car. “See you later, sweetheart.”

Lexa gave him another smile in response, she hated the pet names and the way they sounded coming from Michael. It gave her this weird feeling in her chest, made her stomach twist and turn and the most she could do in response was smile. She waited until Michael drove off, and the further the car got, the lighter Lexa felt, suddenly feeling like she could breathe a little easier just because there was distance between herself and her husband. With a deep breath, she made her way up the path on the front lawn, butterflies in her stomach at just the prospect of seeing Clarke again, and finally knocked on the door.

Clarke opened the door only moments later, “Hey!” She greeted Lexa excitedly, a little frazzled, possibly from the hangover and the fact that she was also running around the house trying to clear up the mess the previous night had left.

“Hi,” Lexa couldn’t help but return the smile, it was infectious. “Someone looks busy.”

Clarke nodded as she led her into the house. “Thank you so much for coming over.” She said as they walked through the hallway. “You really didn’t have to, you know that right?”

“Yes,” Lexa answered. “But I wanted to.” Clarke was dressed in a pair of cut-off sweatpants shorts and a plain black t-shirt – without a bra, something Lexa couldn’t have missed even if she wanted to – and it was clear that she hadn’t done much after getting out of bed than brushing her teeth and pulling on a pair of shorts. “Besides,” Lexa gave her a smile as she scanned the living room, it wasn’t nearly as bad as she had thought it would be. “I wanted to spend time with you.”

“Yeah but,” Clarke started, leaning down and picking up the stack of paper cups she had left on the coffee table to go answer the door. “I think there’s more fun ways to do that than by helping me clean up after a massive party.” She stood up straight and turned to Lexa who was standing only a couple of feet away from her. “I mean,” She motioned around the room, most of the mess was concentrated to the living room – some of it spilled out into the hallway as well, and the kitchen was its own sort of mess but it was the living room that would need the most time and effort. “Look at this place.”

Lexa was looking, not at what Clarke was talking about but at her. “I am looking,” There was a small smile on lips, “And it looks like a great way to spend the day.”

“I do wish I had something more exciting planned for us.” Clarke added with a sigh as she watched Lexa set her bag down and walk up in her direction. “I do have you for the entire day, right?”

“You do,” Lexa nodded, moving around to this side of the room and picking up the scattered paper plates.

They made small conversation as they went about cleaning and tidying, music softly playing from the Amazon Echo in the corner of the room. Catra stayed with them for a while, strutting away to the kitchen to leave the house through a cat flap while Clarke and Lexa threw out paper plates and empty bottles and half-eaten apps. It was surprisingly relaxing, there was something calming and peaceful about restoring order, and maybe it was more pleasant because Lexa wasn’t doing it on her own. She didn’t enjoy doing housework, she didn’t get any help from Michael or even the slightest bit of gratitude. Clarke on the other hand was the opposite, she couldn’t be more thankful to Lexa for coming over today, for choosing to spend her day cleaning and tidying after a party that she didn’t even throw, and making sure to let Lexa know it too.

“Come on, let’s take a break.” Clarke finally slumped down onto the couch, it had been a good few hours since they started. They were mostly done, the living room close to spotless, the kitchen cleared out of all the half-eaten food and serving dishes. The kitchen still needed to be wiped down, the living room vacuumed and mopped, and the trash bags needed to be taken out, but they deserved a break – besides, Clarke could do those later in the night because she’d rather spend a little time with Lexa doing something other than chores.

Lexa picked up her glass of water from the end table and joined Clarke on the couch. “That sounds like a good idea.” She nodded and took a sip of her drink before setting it back down. “We’re almost done though, there’s not much left.”

“There’s still a lot left,” Clarke exaggerated a sigh, “I’m ready to call it Lexa, we can spend the rest of the day doing something else.” She shrugged. “At least the house doesn’t smell of stale alcohol and there’s no food scattered around for Catra to get into.”

Lexa nodded; she would be happy to do just about anything right now as long as it meant doing it with Clarke – whether that be cleaning or sitting on the couch, watching TV and talking. Well, they did have a lot they needed to talk about, but neither of them had brought it up and Lexa didn’t particularly feel like she wanted to. It was nice right now, things were calmer between them, they hadn’t talked about the kiss in Clarke’s office – or the one last night – and what any of that meant for them. But it seemed like they had both come to the conclusion that they wanted each other – regardless of all the implications that came with it. Which was complicated on its own but for now maybe they could just enjoy it as it was, ignore the outside world for a little bit longer.

A comfortable silence fell between them as the music continued; Clarke and Lexa sitting a little too close, their legs touching when the opening notes to Taylor Swift’s New Year’s Day sounded over the speaker. Yeah, it felt fitting, it was the first day of the year after all. But as the song played, the lyrics seemed to be more relevant than Lexa remembered it being.

“Don’t read the last page

But I stay when you’re lost, and I’m scared, and you’re turning away

I want your midnights

But I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day”

Clarke had her head leaned back on the couch and turned it in Lexa’s direction with a soft smile as the song continued, one that Lexa couldn’t help but return. There was a tenderness and intimacy in just that look that didn’t need to be voiced, something that made Lexa feel comfortable and happy and entirely content. Yes, they still hadn’t talked about it, hadn’t talked about their relationship or what the future held, but Lexa was fine with ignoring it for a little bit longer, with pretending the outside world had no impact on them, or that there was no way she was actually going to be able to leave Michael – no matter how much she might want to. Because right now, in this moment, just sitting next to Clarke and holding her hand was enough.

Her eyes locked onto Clarke’s, neither of them able to look away or even move. It was easy for Lexa to get lost in the ocean that was Clarke’s eyes, wanting nothing more than to close the distance between, kiss her again, feel her lips against hers, get lost in her touch, and melt into her arms. But right now Lexa couldn’t do much more than just watch her, the softest look in Clarke’s eyes, the gentlest smile, and for a moment, Lexa wasn’t feeling weighed down by her life. Swallowing the nervousness down, Lexa shifted in her spot, wanting to close the distance between them but still giving Clarke the time and opportunity to stop her if she wanted – they still did need to talk and Lexa would understand if Clarke wanted to do that before continuing on with whatever this was.

But Clarke didn’t, instead she met her halfway, taking Lexa’s lips between her own and bringing her hand up to cup her cheek. Lexa sighed into the kiss at the gentleness of her touch, eyes closing and her body leaning closer to Clarke. She missed this so much, missed her so much, and last night’s kiss only made Clarke want it more, made her want more of Lexa and more of them. She missed the days they spent in her bed, the hours Clarke spent with Lexa under her, listening to her moans and breathless sighs, how she felt around her fingers as she urged her closer and closer towards release, and the way Lexa looked at her with those dazed eyes, wordlessly asking for more.

Clarke felt herself getting lost in the kiss, wanting more as her lips moved against Lexa’s with more fervor, tongue seeking entrance to her mouth. This was the longest kiss they’d had since the night before Clarke found out about Michael, last night’s one had to be kept brief, and the one in her office before Christmas got cut short, and knowing there was nowhere else either of them had to be right now meant they could take as much time as they liked. Lexa was going to be here the entire day, Clarke had no other responsibilities to take care of, at least nothing outside of the house, so it was only fair they got to make up for lost time. Well, maybe they needed to have a talk before that but for now, they were both happy being blissfully ignorant of what their reality held.

Lexa gasped, almost pulling away when she felt Clarke’s hand slipping under her shirt. Her other hand had moved away from her face and to her waist, holding her while they kissed, and Clarke came away when she noticed Lexa’s shock. She wasn’t going to move too fast and into something Lexa wasn’t ready for or didn’t want just yet.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked breathlessly, withdrawing her hand from under Lexa’s shirt.

Lexa nodded as she caught her breath, leaning back and away from Clarke, both of them wondering how they lasted this long without parting for air. “I just wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.” She told Clarke, “And your hand’s cold.” Lexa couldn’t help but smile as she said it, feeling light enough to joke about it.

Clarke returned it, relieved that she hadn’t ruined the moment or made Lexa uncomfortable. “Yeah, I was just trying to warm them up.”

Lexa’s smile only widened, playful and light, as she grabbed her wrist instead, wanting to bring it back to where it had been only moments ago. But then she stopped, frozen inches away from her stomach.

“What’s wrong?” Clarke asked after a moment, watching the way Lexa’s expression fell.

Clarke had her hand on her stomach but it was only for a moment, but Lexa was more than just a little insecure about that part of her body. It had changed since the last time Clarke had seen her naked, between the little extra holiday weight and the newer stretch marks being more prominent and visible, she was worried that Clarke might view it the way Michael did. He wasn’t shy when it came to letting her know what he thought and how he felt, not holding back on making a comment every time he saw her body. So Lexa’s attitude towards her body had changed since the last time she and Clarke had gotten intimate; she’d never had an amazing relationship with her body to begin with, but it had only deteriorated after her marriage.

Yes, Clarke had seen her naked multiple times, she was…a very thorough lover, so Lexa was all but certain she was more familiar with her body than Michael was. But it was different now than the last time they were together, and Lexa had spent more time than she would have liked wondering how Clarke truly felt about her body, whether she felt similar to how Michael did, if she too was put off by the pouch of her stomach or the rougher texture of the stretch marks, or the sight of her numerous scars. Clarke was too nice to say anything negative like that, Lexa knew she’d never point it out if it did make her uncomfortable or even grossed out to some degree.

“Lexa?” Clarke called her again when Lexa didn’t respond, instead just looking down at their hands with a concerned expression. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Everything was fine even a second ago, the kiss, the little playful exchange when Clarke slipped her hand under seeking more contact. But now Lexa’s mood seemed to have done a 180^O and Clarke wasn’t sure why.

Lexa’s grip on Clarke’s wrist loosened, letting go entirely before finally looking up at her. She didn’t know what to say or how to answer her, didn’t know how to voice her concerns without it coming off as whiny or pathetic. “I…” She started uncertainly. “…don’t know if I want you to see me naked.”

Clarke was a little taken aback by that, she was expecting Lexa to say something along the lines of how they needed to talk before moving things forward, or that she wasn’t ready for this, or just that she wasn’t in the mood right now. But this wasn’t it, she didn’t know why Lexa wouldn’t want that; it wouldn’t be the first time, Clarke had seen her naked before, had seen her body, and was intimately familiar with it – regardless of how brief their tryst had been. “What’s going on?” She asked her carefully, taking Lexa’s hands in hers.

Lexa let out a small sigh, “Do you remember that conversation we had…a month, I think, before Christmas?” She asked. “When you came over to spend the day with me and you asked me why I wasn’t eating?”

Realization dawned on Clarke as she thought back to it, “Yeah, yeah I remember.” It made her want to immediately ask Lexa if she was doing better in that department; if she was eating properly, if the holidays had been more difficult because of it. Clarke didn’t bring it up since then, Lexa hadn’t, and although Clarke was concerned, she didn’t want to push Lexa into talking about something that would upset her.

“I don’t want you to look at me and feel what Michael does…” Lexa continued uncertainly, doing her best to keep her voice steady. “I’m not really happy with how I look right now and…I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“No,” Clarke shook her head. “You could never disappoint me, Lexa you are beautiful.” She squeezed her hand, ducking her head to catch her eyes but Lexa averted it. “You are so incredibly beautiful, Michael is an idiot, he’s blind if he doesn’t see it.” Not only that, but he actively made her feel bad about it too. “And that’s me being completely objective, no bias at all.” Clarke’s lips curled up into a small smile, wanting to lighten Lexa’s mood.

Lexa forced a smile up at her, not wanting to keep this conversation going any longer. She didn’t like talking about it, it made her feel pathetic and small to be this affected by her body and what it looked like.

“You are no short of perfect, okay?” Clarke tried again. “Every part of you is beautiful. And that’s not regardless of the stretchmarks and scars and the softer parts,” She remembered the small specifics Lexa had mentioned, she hadn’t gone too into detail but Clarke could make some educated guesses. “It’s because of them.”

Lexa would think Clarke was only saying that to make her feel better – because well, who in their right minds would actually, truly think that? But there was this sincerity in her voice that couldn’t be there if she wasn’t telling the truth. “I saw myself in the mirror this morning and…” Lexa shrugged with one shoulder, “…I don’t know how you can think that.”

Clarke let go of her hands, moving them to the hem of Lexa’s shirt. “Then let me show you.” She wanted nothing more than to do that, she had been wanting to since that conversation over a month ago, wanted to show Lexa how her body truly deserved to be treated, how she deserved to be touched and adored and admired.

Lexa held her gaze as she thought it over, telling her doubts to quieten down, trying to convince herself that Clarke truly meant it. She didn’t move any further, waiting for Lexa’s permission with her hands still safely away from her body. And this was new to Lexa, it was so new to experience this, to have someone respect her enough and wait for permission – or even ask for it instead of just taking what they wanted.

Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat, realizing she was yet to give Clarke an answer. “Yes,” She nodded. “Please.”

Clarke didn’t waste another moment, her hands immediately slipping under Lexa’s shirt and moving herself closer to her. She pressed her lips to Lexa’s once again, more rushed this time but there was a perpetual gentleness to her actions. Lexa let her take the lead, moving back onto the couch and pulling Clarke down on top of her. She felt herself relax, a warm and comfortable feeling settling within her as she let Clarke’s hand come to rest on the soft flesh of her stomach, possibly for the first time feeling something aside from contempt or disgust at being touched there. Clarke’s other hand had moved further south, working the button of Lexa’s jeans, not for a moment breaking the kiss.

“I’m going to show you how beautiful you are, Lexa.” Clarke said into the kiss, hand slipping past her trousers. “I’ve been dreaming about it since the last time we were together all those months ago.” She nudged her nose to Lexa’s, just finishing the sentence before kissing her again. “I missed touching you,” Clarke kissed her between her words, showering her with compliments before actually showing her. “Feeling you under me,” She added a little breathlessly, growing impatient. “Listening to the noises you try to hold back on when I make you feel good,” Clarke couldn’t help but smile against Lexa’s lips, not missing the quietest whine that escaped – despite her doing her best to keep it in. Clarke’s hand found its way past the waistband of Lexa’s panties, not wasting any time and finding Lexa already wet. “And god I have missed how you feel around my fingers.”

Lexa’s mouth fell open as she felt Clarke’s fingers parting her folds, no doubt wanting to be reminded just how good it felt to have her inside her. Clarke took the chance to slip her tongue into her mouth and Lexa was back to kissing her again, practically shaking with anticipation, trying to part her legs for Clarke past the way she was constrained by her jeans.

Clarke could feel her impatience, could hear the quiet whines and feel the restrained roll of Lexa’s hips as she tried to urge Clarke to keep going. But Clarke was taking her sweet time with it, going slowly and wanting to savor every moment of this, not wanting to rush their first time together after everything that had happened. She brought her head up after a long minute, wanting to see the look in Lexa’s eyes as she finally entered her. Clarke asked for permission once more, looking at Lexa with questioning eyes and waiting for her to nod before pushing past her folds and very slowly sliding her index and middle finger inside.

Lexa’s breathing picked up as Clarke inched further into her, jaw hanging open with eyes locked into Clarke’s, unable to look away. The world fell away as she felt more of Clarke, a sort of closeness and intimacy neither of them had experienced before. Lexa was gripping onto Clarke’s other arm, not noticing just how hard she was holding onto her but there was not much she could do to stop it, it was the only thing grounding her to reality because all of this was a little overwhelming but in the best way imaginable. She wanted to float off into the bliss, let the world disappear around her because right now, all that mattered to her was just Clarke.

Chapter Text

It had been a very good day, neither of them could think of any way for it to have been any better than it was. Michael was going out of town for the weekend and two days after on a work conference, and Lexa was staying over with Clarke until then. He knew she was here, Lexa mentioned how she didn’t want to be alone for four days, saying how the house was too empty when it was just her, and she just wasn’t comfortable on her own, so she would rather spend it with Clarke. And Michael was fine with that, figuring there was no harm in letting Lexa stay with her friend; she’d have company, and Michael wouldn’t have to worry about her either.

They spent most of the day at Clarke’s house, not doing much more than enjoying each other’s company. Lexa felt at ease in Clarke’s home, more so here than at her own, there was this feeling of relief in knowing she had four whole days of this, four days where she wouldn’t be spending even a minute being scared or anxious. They spent the day watching Abbott Elementary while cuddling on the couch, Catra joining them for most of it, curling up in a spot on the couch next to the two women. And once evening came, they went out with Clarke’s friends for dinner and drinks, a couple of them going out afterward too but Lexa and Clarke returned home, wanting a quiet night in – and to make the most of their time with each other.

They were in bed right now, a little past midnight with Lexa sound asleep next to her, the only thing covering their bodies being the soft thin bedsheet – after the night they’d had, neither had the energy or desire to get dressed before falling asleep. Clarke was wide awake, unable to quieten her thoughts and emotions long enough to even think about sleeping. Things were complicated between them, they were actively avoiding talking about their situation, avoiding talking about anything at all that had to do with their relationship, just going with the flow for now instead of facing the reality of it. Clarke didn’t know what to expect or what to even ask for from Lexa, she knew the reality of Lexa’s situation, knew how bad things were at home and with her family – and how, no matter what she wanted, there would always be something or someone stopping.

It was different being together now than it was before. Clarke didn’t know then Lexa was married, didn’t know there was someone else she went home to, didn’t know what was really going on in her life. So when they spent time together before, went out or spent time more intimately, to Clarke it wasn’t all that different to any other relationship she’d had. Okay, that was a lie, they hadn’t dated long but Clarke was already feeling things for Lexa she hadn’t felt with anyone else so quickly on in a relationship. And those feelings had only grown with the time they spent apart – well, they spent almost every other day together even after they had broken up, but they weren’t together. So after that kiss in Clarke’s office, she had only just been trying to make up for the time they lost in those months.

But it was different now, it was so different now that she could see the full picture. It was different because now she knew Lexa was married, knew she went home to someone else, knew someone else got to kiss her and touch her the way Clarke did. It wasn’t even her jealousy that made this so upsetting, it was knowing how much Lexa despised it. They still hadn’t talked about what they were going to do, or how they were going to move forward with…whatever they were, all Clarke knew was that she was prepared to risk everything for Lexa. And she knew Lexa would too, maybe that was the worst part because Lexa would risk it all for them, but there was only so much she could do without putting herself in danger. It wasn’t a perfect world, so far from it, Lexa had so little control of her own life and Clarke couldn’t even think about the extent of that without getting angry and worked up. Not at Lexa, no, but at everything else, at everyone else that made her life the way it was.

Clarke sighed as she rolled on her side, facing a sleeping Lexa next to her. She wanted this, wanted her, wanted a shot at them so badly. And Lexa was right here, right next to her, so close but Clarke knew she couldn’t have her – not in the way they both wanted at least. They needed to talk, they really needed to talk; as nice as this week together had been blissfully ignoring the conversation to come, they couldn’t keep going like this. Clarke’s lips quivered as she thought about it, thought about Lexa, thought about what she wouldn’t give to get her away from Michael and her family and keep her safe, take her away from the hell she lived through every day. She hadn’t said it out loud yet, hadn’t let herself even think it, but Clarke could feel herself falling faster and harder for Lexa with every moment they spent together.

The corners of her lips tugged as Clarke looked at her in the darkness of the room; Lexa looked so peaceful, the steady rise and fall of her back as she slept, the scars on her skin peeking out past the sheet only being yet another reminder of what things were like for her outside of this house. Clarke’s heartstring tugged as she watched her, unable to help it as she reached out to touch her face, tracing her cheek with the gentlest touch. But Lexa’s face scrunched up at the contact, letting out a quiet whine in her sleep, sounding almost scared. Clarke let out a short breath, drawing her hand back, waiting a moment for her to settle before quietly whispering into the darkness, “I think I’m in love with you.”

Saying it out loud felt like a devastating revelation, she should know better than to fall for a married woman, than to fall for someone who already has a home and a partner and an entire life that didn’t – couldn’t – include Clarke. But she couldn’t help it, Clarke didn’t even know when it happened, didn’t know how it happened but saying it out loud, hearing the words for the first time just felt right. She knew there was no other word for what she felt for Lexa, knew that what she felt for her burned so deep and so intense inside her that Clarke would do anything, give up everything for even a chance to be with her.

She swallowed the lump in her throat and sighed, reaching out and placing her arm around Lexa’s waist, wanting to hold her closer. But Lexa jerked away at it, whining and putting the smallest bit of distance between her sleeping self and Clarke. Clarke’s eyes widened at the reaction, immediately pulling away, surprised and not expecting her to react that way. But it only took a moment for her to realize why it was so, Lexa probably didn’t like being touched unexpectedly, didn’t like it because more times than not, her body and mind were conditioned to expect something bad. Clarke was familiar with the marks and bruises on Lexa’s body, she could see some of the permanent ones now; she knew where they came from, and seeing her react like this only solidified what Clarke already knew all too well.

A heavy feeling settled within Clarke at the thought of it, her mind wandering off to the marks left on her by her parents when she was younger. But those thoughts were quickly replaced by the presents, thinking about what most nights were like for Lexa, what it was like for her to share a bed with a man whom she didn’t love, who didn’t respect her or love her in any way. He couldn’t love her, Clarke knew Michael probably believed he did because Lexa was his wife and all but to Clarke that would never be true. If he really did, he wouldn’t treat her the way he did, wouldn’t hurt her or belittle her, wouldn’t leave scars and bruises on her body. That wasn’t how anyone treated a loved one, and Clarke would never believe that he actually, truly, loved her. And if he thought he did, he didn’t know what love was supposed to be.

“I wish I could show you what love should feel like.” Clarke whispered quietly, just barely audible to even herself. Lexa deserved that, she deserved to be loved properly, to be treated right, to be made to feel safe and wanted and cared for. She didn’t deserve the life she had now, no one did, and as much as Clarke wanted to get her away from it, she knew there was nothing she could do – not until Lexa was ready to accept help, at least. If their previous talks were anything to go by though, it wasn’t likely to happen anytime soon, if ever. Lexa was so conditioned to believe this is the best she could have, that this is the life she was meant to lead; she grew up with a family who never loved her, who made her feel like a problem, a shameful burden, so it was no surprise that she was willingly accepting her role as Michael’s wife, doing as he asked and taking what was being given.

That brought forth the question of what they were doing yet again to the forefront of Clarke’s mind, asking herself how this would ever work, how she could let herself fall for someone who was stuck in a very arduous situation. It would be complicated enough if Lexa was just married; it would be complicated enough if Lexa was married to a reasonable person, someone who didn’t control her or strike her for so much as saying the wrong thing, it would be bad enough if she didn’t have a family back home who would threaten her life if she attempted to leave her current relationship, it would have been bad enough. But with the way things were, with Lexa’s family and her marriage, Clarke couldn’t see a way through this, couldn’t see a solution to the problem, couldn’t see any way forward that wouldn’t lead to both of them getting hurt.

But, by god, Clarke didn’t care about getting hurt. All she wanted was to love her, be with her, show her a little gentleness in a lifelong of hurt and suffering. Maybe she wouldn’t have Lexa all to herself, maybe she would have to make peace with knowing she went home every night to someone else, but maybe Clarke was okay with that if it meant being able to have Lexa in her life. Maybe as long as Clarke got to hold her and kiss and make love to her, show her a sliver of the gentleness she deserved, she would be okay knowing Lexa would never truly be just her’s.

Lexa stirred in her sleep, turning from her side and onto her back as her eyes fluttered before finally opening them. The room was mostly dim still, a warm glow from the morning sun making its way in past the edges of the blackout blinds that made Lexa want to close her eyes again and go back to sleep. It wasn’t how she was used to waking up, almost every morning she was woken up by an alarm yanking her out of her slumber so she would have enough time to get everything ready for Michael. Now that she thought about it, she couldn’t remember the last time she got to sleep in like this.

Rubbing her eyes and looking around the room, the first thing Lexa found was the person next to her. Clarke was sitting up against the headboard, her phone in her hand, just noticing Lexa was awake.

“Good morning,” Clarke told her quietly, voice still laced with sleep.

“Morning,” Lexa’s voice came out lower than usual, doing her best to speak past the sleep still clinging to her. “What time is it?”

“A little past ten,” Clarke answered after quickly glancing at her phone screen to confirm.

“Wow,” Lexa stifled a yawn as she spoke. “I don’t think I remember the last time I got to sleep in this late.”

“10 am is not late.” Clarke argued, smiling nonetheless. “How’d you sleep?”

“Amazing,” Lexa turned to her side, tucking her arm under the pillow to prop her head up slightly. “Your bed is incredibly comfortable.” She added, knowing very well it had more to do with the person next to her rather than the mattress.

Clarke watched her in silence for a second moment, the smallest hint of a smile on her lips at being able to see Lexa like this. She looked so different from how Clarke always saw her, much more at ease, calmer, and suddenly Clarke’s secret statement from last night was hitting her like a ton of bricks. Lexa looked…beautiful right now, the soft curls of her messy hair, the still sleepy eyes, the way her eyes shined in the morning glow of the sun; god, what Clarke wouldn’t give to wake up next to this again and again and again.

“What?” Lexa’s question brought her out of her thoughts. “You’re staring.”

Clarke only smiled, ducking her head to hide the slight embarrassment she felt at being caught. She took a moment to gather herself before looking up at Lexa again, giving her a small shrug. “I just can’t think of a better sight to wake up to, that’s all.”

It was Lexa’s turn to look away now, trying to hide the way her cheeks heated up and threatened to go red. But there was only so much she could hide with Clarke being this close to her. “Really?” Lexa questioned, “Which part? The messy hair or the puffy eyes?”

Clarke shrugged lightly, not sure how to quite pinpoint which exactly had her unable to look away. “I don’t know.” She responded honestly, “All of it?” With a short sigh, Clarke moved herself lower onto the pillow so she was in level with Lexa, rolling over to lay on her side so she could look at her. A soft silence fell over the room, both of them comfortable in the quiet, just existing in each other’s company for the time being. Holding her gaze, a million thoughts rushed through Clarke’s mind, and she wasn’t entirely sure how to voice any of them.

“Can we talk?” Clarke finally asked, voice small and quiet, not wanting to pierce this perfect bubble they were in but knowing they still had so much they needed to talk through.

Lexa chewed on her lower lip, nodding as she thought about it. They had gone on long enough pretending everything was fine, pretending that they were fine to go on with how things were. “I think we need to, yeah…”

Clarke took a deep breath, she had no idea how to even start this conversation, how to even begin explaining to Lexa what she felt. Maybe the only thing worth saying was the one thing Clarke couldn’t stop thinking, “I want you.” She stated simply, not expanding on it, not knowing if she could even justify saying something as stupid as what she just did.

Lexa’s eyes fell away from Clarke’s, immediately conflicted by what that might entail.

“I can’t help it, Lexa.” Clarke continued. “I want you, despite it all, despite how things are, I…” She trailed off, letting her own words hit her. “I want you.”

“But how?” Lexa questioned, she was so certain these last few days were going to be short-lived, that the moment they talked about it and laid it all out, both of them would come to realize that this was as far as it could go.

“I don’t know.” Clarke answered honestly, she truly didn’t. “But I don’t care, we’ll make it work, we’ll figure it out.”

Lexa caught her gaze again, guilt washing over her. “We shouldn’t.” It wouldn’t be fair on Clarke, she would never be able to give her what she truly deserved.

“But why not?” Clarke argued, a desperation in her eyes that gave away how the calmness in her voice was just a front. There were so many reasons as to why they shouldn’t, all the things stopping them from being together – like the fact that Lexa was married, and to someone who wouldn’t let her leave no matter how much she might want to.

Lexa shook her head slowly, “It wouldn’t be fair on you.” She answered her quietly. “You know I can’t walk away from Michael,” She added sadly, reminding Clarke what their reality truly held. “No matter how much I want to, Clarke, there is no way out of this, it’ll always have to be Michael.”

Clarke swallowed the lump in her throat, “Is it bad that I don’t care?” She asked quietly, hand coming up and going to rest on Lexa’s cheek. “All I care about is being with you.”

“Clarke…” Lexa started uncertainly. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“But it hurts now.” Clarke told her, “It hurts seeing you every day and being next to you and needing to hold back.” She added. “It hurts that I can’t hold you and kiss you and treat you the way you deserve.” She could feel the tears beginning to pool in her eyes, her chest tightening as she spoke. “It hurts even thinking about my life without you in it.”

Lexa remained silent for a long second, feeling the way Clarke’s thumb caressed her cheek. “I’m sorry,” She hated what she was making Clarke feel, hated knowing about all the heartache she had caused since the moment she came into Clarke’s life.

“I want this,” Clarke told her again, putting as much emphasis on her statement as she could. “I want you.” She added, hoping it was enough to show her what she was feeling, enough to tell Lexa that she truly meant it, and that this was about so much more than what it had been when they started dating back in September. “I don’t care that you’re with him, I don’t care that we would have to hide what we are because Lexa…” Clarke let out a shaky breath, doing her best to calm herself enough to continue speaking. “I’ve never felt this for anyone else.” She brought herself closer to Lexa, their noses almost touching. “No one makes me feel how you do, no one ever has.”

Lexa leaned into her, touching her forehead to Clarke’s and bringing her hand up to Clarke’s cheek like her’s had been moments ago. “Clarke…”

“I know you want this too,” Clarke told her quietly. “I want you in any way I’m allowed to have you. In secret, behind locked doors, I- I don’t care as long as it’s you. I don’t care about anything as long as it's with you.”

Lexa watched Clarke for a moment, looking between the intense blue of her eyes, hoping to find some sort of doubt or uncertainty, something that would make it easier to say no, to say they shouldn’t keep going with this. But there was none, there was nothing but sincerity and that only made it that much more difficult; she wanted this too, wanted Clarke and wanted a shot at them. So instead of saying anything, she only inched closer to her, pressing her lips to Clarke’s, hoping that would be enough of an answer. Her eyes fluttered shut as they kissed, soft and gentle, wanting to convey every ounce of emotion she felt, knowing very well that there weren’t enough words in the English language to explain it.

“Hey,” Clarke broke the kiss a moment later, tasting tears on Lexa’s lips and wanting to make sure she was okay, “What’s wrong?”

Lexa didn’t have it in her to speak, knowing that one word would cause her to break down completely.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked into the silence, gently wiping a tear away that was running down her cheek. Lexa nodded this time, still not being able to speak, but instead kissing her again. Clarke kissed back immediately, even gentler than the first time, almost like she could feel all of Lexa’s hurt and pain in just this one action. She had more than enough reason to be hurting, had so many things in her life that hurt her and upset her, so many people who put her down and caused these tears. And all Clarke could do in this moment was make a promise to herself that she would never be the reason behind Lexa shedding anymore tears.

Chapter Text

No, it was not going to be a good night for Lexa. It had been a very good day, so it almost felt fitting that Michael came home in a bad mood to punish her for being happy when he wasn’t. Lexa had spent the better part of the day at the museum – some of it with Clarke in her office, the rest of it just walking through the now familiar hallways and galleries of the building – and then had gone back to Clarke’s after she finished work. Michael had texted Lexa, letting her know he would be late and that she didn’t need to bother with his dinner because he would get something to eat with his friends before going to the bar for some drinks. Lexa didn’t like the sound of that, him coming home drunk increased the chances of it being a worse night than it needed to be for her, but at least she could spend a few more hours with Clarke before returning to her house.

And as expected, Michael had returned in a terrible mood and very much inebriated. He made a beeline for the couch, and Lexa to the kitchen after greeting him because he had asked her for a beer. He wasn’t quite seated by the time Lexa returned with a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon and handed it to him. And that was her first mistake; Michael took the can from her and opened it, taking a sip before throwing the almost full container onto the living room floor. Lexa didn’t even get the chance to ask what was wrong before he slapped her, telling her it wasn’t cold but practically warm. She didn’t reply, only lowered her eyes, hoping this would be it. Mistakes like this always resulted in him reprimanding her, and Lexa knew every time it was her fault – she should have known better than to not stock up the fridge with his favorite drink after the cold ones ran out.

She knew how to take it with dignity now, knew to not give him the satisfaction of a cry or whimper, to not say anything in response, or challenge him in any way. If Lexa behaved, it didn’t escalate from here; he was well within his right to discipline her, and Lexa would take it as well as she could as long as it didn’t turn into a beating. She could accept this, could accept the singular slap or punch, the unkind words, she felt like it only came when she deserved it so she would do anything she could to ensure it didn’t go any further. But that was only wishful thinking because Michael was in an awful mood tonight. He had a bad day at work, saying something about losing a big sale – hence losing a big commission – and so he was going to take it out of Lexa.

They were in their bedroom now, a couple of hours into the night with it now being a little past midnight. Lexa was on the floor, cowering with her arms pulled up to protect her face, and legs pulled up as much as possible to protect her stomach from Michael’s kicks. She gasped for air after the last blow, trying to get some air into her lungs but it was cut short by a loud cry as another kick collided with her front. She grunted and exclaimed at every kick that followed, most of them landing on her arms and legs, only a few managing to get past them to her chest and stomach. But then he stopped, Lexa had stopped counting the kicks by now but she knew there would be more than a handful of bruises covering her by the time morning came.

Michael leaned down and grabbed her by the arm, pulling her up on her feet. He didn’t speak, he was never really all that talkative when he could let his fists do the talking for him, only continued with the job at hand, not even letting Lexa be steady on her feet before dragging her to the bed.

With a backhanded smack to the side of her face, Lexa was made to fall back onto the bed. She fell on her front, grabbing onto the bedsheets and pulling herself up and away from Michael in an attempt to get away from him. But Michael’s strength was no match as he grabbed her legs and flipped her over. He was much stronger than her, much bigger too, and lately he had been going to the gym a couple of days in the week after work, so Lexa knew trying to push him away or resist would not work, he could easily overpower her.

Lexa felt her heart pounding in her chest, knowing that the worst of the night was surely still to come. It had become a regular way to end the night nowadays, not only was Michael getting more comfortable in his sexuality, he seemed to have a higher drive for it now than right after they had gotten married. They had moved away from sex one night a week to it becoming a much more frequent occurrence. And as much as Lexa hated it to some degree regardless of when or how it happened, the worst of it was on nights like this, on nights where he had beaten her to the point of Lexa crying and whimpering in pain and then deciding it was the perfect time to take even more from her.

Michael grabbed her face, the other hand on her waist, and roughly gripped her hip over the pajama bottoms. “Strip,” He ordered coldly, Lexa watching the way his eyes were wide and giving away just how aroused he was at seeing her beneath him like this. This was newer for them, it wasn’t something Lexa had noticed until about a week ago, but Michael seemed to get worked up and turned on when he hurt her. It didn’t happen before, not before they were married, and not even soon after it; but then again, they weren’t even a year into their marriage yet, so newer things were bound to be discovered – for better or for worse, mostly worse.

Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat, knowing better than to protest or argue. She was already hurting too much to want to move and there was not much fight left in her to even try to convince Michael otherwise. So she nodded as well as she could with the way he was holding her face, prepared to give him what he wanted, be the dutiful wife who listened to her husband’s every word, the woman who lived for everyone but herself, someone who knew by this point that no aspect of her life belonged to her, not even her body. He pushed her back onto the bed as he let go of her face, Lexa almost falling backward as he stepped away to undress himself.

His tie was off and Michael was a third of the way down unbuttoning his shirt when the doorbell rang. It caught them both by surprising, Lexa and Michael whipping their heads in the direction of the noise with equally puzzled expressions. They weren’t expecting anyone – especially at this time – and exchanged a confused look. Lexa almost looked worried because there was a new shade of anger in Michael’s eyes from the intrusion, but she was as curious as he was about who was knocking on their door at one in the morning. The doorbell rang again before they could voice their concerns, this time making Michael groan in frustration as he threw his tie onto the bed and began to rebutton his shirt while making his way to leave the bedroom.

“Stay put,” He instructed as he left the room, walking away to the staircase and down to answer the door.

By the time he was unlocking the bolt, the doorbell chimed again, their unexpected visitor unmistakably impatient. Opening the door he was faced by two strangers, strangers who were clearly from the Sherriff’s Department, their badges clearly on display on the chest of their tan shirts, courteously – but impatiently – waiting to speak to the occupants of the house.

“How can I help you, gentlemen?” Michael stood at the threshold, politely asking and masking how annoyed he was at the unwelcome interruption.

“Good evening, sir.” One of them greeted. “I’m Deputy Jones and this is my partner Deputy Myles.” He introduced themselves. “We received a call from a concerned resident about a possible domestic disturbance.”

“They said they heard something that was, err, concerning.” Myles added. “So we wanted to make sure everything was all right.”

Michael took no more than a second to come up with an answer for them. “I am so sorry about that,” He apologized. “The wife and I got a little carried away in the bedroom.” He explained with an awkward smile. It was partially true, they were in the bedroom after all, it wasn’t like Michael was telling them what they were doing. “Between us,” Michael lowered his voice, “She likes it a little rough.” He looked embarrassed as he spoke to them, clearly sounding like someone who was being reluctantly questioned about his sexual life. “I didn’t realize we were being so loud.” He added with a sigh, hoping this would suffice. “We’ll keep it down.”

Myles nodded at him, satisfied with the explanation and about to turn away to leave as Michael grabbed the door handle, wanting to close it. But the other deputy stopped him. “Can we speak to your wife, sir?”

Michael froze momentarily, unsure of what to say that would get him past this. “Yeah, sure.” He answered with a casual shrug, “She’s in the bedroom, do you want me to go get her?” That would give him the chance to speak to her and tell her to think twice before saying anything to the sheriffs.

But Deputy Jones stopped him, “Why don’t you just call her from here?” He gave Michael a forced smile, not wanting him to potentially have the chance to scare his wife into keeping quiet in case something questionable was going on. Michael was convincing enough, he sounded truthful, but they had a job to do.

With a sigh, Michael leaned his head and towards the staircase, calling out to Lexa who was still upstairs. “Alexandria, can you come downstairs, sweetheart?”

Lexa’s reply came only a second later, her voice put together but muffled from behind the closed door of their bedroom. “I’ll be right there, honey.” She called back. “Just give me a minute.”

She sighed as she got off the bed, redressing herself in the pajama top and bottom she had just taken off. Lexa stepped away to the bathroom, finding her dressing robe and throwing it on before leaving the room. She didn’t know who it was that had interrupted their night, but Lexa knew she didn’t want them to know what had been going on here just moments ago. It was no one’s business but their own as to what happened in their home; besides, even if Lexa didn’t feel that way, she knew Michael wouldn’t want her to share anything private. Lexa did wish he hadn’t called her downstairs now though, she was tired and hurting and not really in the mood to face anyone.

Tying the belt of her robe as she struggled her way down the stairs, she caught a glimpse of the open door from halfway up. Lexa couldn’t see much, but she could see the brim of two dark brown hats, hats unmistakably belonging to the town’s Sheriff’s Department. She straightened up immediately, doing her best to look as put together as possible. She didn’t know why they were here, or why they would want to talk to her, unless… A terrible thought crossed Lexa’s mind, suddenly worried that someone had called the cops about her and Michael. But then again, no one knew, no one could possibly know; her and Michael looked like the perfect couple to everyone else, and Lexa always made sure to keep her marks and bruises covered so no one would suspect anything.

…other than Clarke, Lexa thought to herself, frozen midstep. She wouldn’t do that, Lexa had told Clarke she didn’t want anyone to know, didn’t think there was anything for anyone to know because it wasn’t anyone’s business but theirs. Lexa firmly believed that Michael wouldn’t do anything to her that she didn’t truly deserve, and she knew no one would see it that way or understand. Regardless of how it would be perceived, Clarke had promised it would stay between them, that she wouldn’t tell anyone, she made Lexa feel like she could trust her. It felt like another punch to the gut at the possibility Clarke might have been the one who called the cops, who told. She was the only person Lexa thought she could trust, so even the thought of Clarke going behind her back was too much to bare.

No, it can’t be Clarke, she wouldn’t, Lexa shook the thought away from her mind – for now at least – before resuming her climb down to meet her husband. She didn’t want to think that it could have been Clarke, didn’t want to think she would betray her trust like that. But maybe Lexa was naïve in thinking that; after all, to have a visit like this now – not too long after the two of them decided to be together – felt a little too convenient to be a coincidence. But it could all wait for now. With a forced smile on her face, Lexa conquered the last couple of steps before joining Michael at the front door.

“Well, isn’t this unexpected?” Lexa commented as she came to stand next to Michael, leaning into his side and him immediately putting his arm around her back. “Is everything all right?”

“Good evening ma’am.” Myles greeted her. “We received a call and just wanted to make sure everything was all right, someone was concerned by what they heard coming from the house.”

“We’re fine.” Michael told them again, giving them his warmest and most convincing smile. And it was a very good one too, it was the one that made Lexa question if he truly was a bad person, if what he did to her wasn’t deserved.

“Ma’am, are you alright?” Jones turned to look at Lexa, giving her a once over in an attempt to spot any signs of distress.

“I’m fine, officer.” Lexa matched Michael’s smile, a practiced easiness in her demeanor that made it all too convincing. She tilted her head, resting it against Michael’s arm with a small smile, looking like nothing other than a happy spouse – if only a little tired and sleepy. It almost scared Lexa how good she was at this, how easily she could go from scared and terrified of him to looking like she was nothing but happy and content with the perfect man by her side. “We’re so sorry about the noise.” She wasn’t sure what Michael had told them to explain it, but Lexa knew she had to play along and do her best to figure it out because she didn’t want to mess up.

“We just got a little carried away in bed.” Michael repeated, hoping it would be enough to clue Lexa in on what he had told them.

She turned her eyes down, looking at the two men apologetically, doing her best to seem embarrassed by what had apparently caused the concerned noise complaint. “It was my fault.” Lexa added. “I didn’t realize how loud I was being, and forgot for a moment that the house isn’t all that soundproof.” She gave them a small giggle, twirling her hair with her finger, putting on the show of the ditzy sexy wife – the one that Michael possibly wished she was, it would make life a lot simpler. “We’re so sorry.”

The two deputies nodded, both of them now equally convinced that everything was fine between the couple. Lexa didn’t look like she was in any sort of distress, rather she was smiling and affectionate towards her husband. “Alright.” Jones said as he took a step back. “Just, keep it down.”

“We will,” Michael matched Lexa’s easy smile, the two cops stepping away to go back to their car.

“Have a good night,” Myles said as they left, a small tip of his hat as he followed his partner.

They stood in the doorway and waited, watching the two men walking away down the path in their front lawn and to the street where the patrol car was parked. Michael’s grip on Lexa’s side tightened the further they went, fingers digging into the soft flesh painfully, him no doubt trying to hurt her, giving her a taste for what was to come. She did her best to stay still and from squirming at the pain, body stiffening as she thought about what Michael was going to do now that the cops had come knocking – because of her. They waited at the door until the officers reached the car before Michael turned his head toward Lexa, lips to her ear. It didn’t look like anything worrying was happening, from where the sheriffs stood, if they turned around now, it would simply look like Michael was kissing Lexa on the temple.

“Look at what you did.” Michael said to her instead, whispering angrily into her ear. “Now come on,” He added as the cops drove away, pulling Lexa a step back into the house and quietly closing the front door. “Let’s go upstairs.”

He gave her no chance but to follow him up the stairs, Lexa struggling not so much against him because she knew she didn’t have a choice but to, but rather struggled to climb up the stairs. Her body hurt, her legs and torso ached with every shift of her muscles, feeling out of breath and too tired, barely making it to the top of the staircase. But Michael dragged her with him, not caring much for her difficulties and only being in a rush to get back to what they were doing – and well, a little more because he was clearly angry at her. He valued his privacy, he didn’t want anyone else questioning what went on inside their home. They were married, this was their life, and private matters between a husband and wife should stay just that – and Lexa believed that too.

The door closed behind them as the two of them entered, Michael pushing Lexa in and shoving her towards the bed. Holding her by the arm, Michael picked up his tie from the bed and circled it around her face haphazardly, using it as a makeshift gag to keep her quiet this time. “No one’s going to hear you now, huh?” Michael asked rhetorically, pushing her onto the bed and watched as Lexa kicked her legs to push herself further up and tried to get away from him. He stood up straight, looking down at her while he unbuckled his belt and yanked it out of its loops. The sight of it made Lexa go cold, the last time she saw him do that led to a very painful night where she was reminded of the way her father left a myriad of scars on her back when she was younger.

But he didn’t do what Lexa was expecting him to with it, instead, Michael approached her on the bed, making his way closer to Lexa. She was terrified as she watched him, not knowing what his next move was going to be and unable to speak past the fabric in her mouth. She tried to get away from him, but Lexa was already back against the headboard, Michael only inches away. He didn’t stay anything as he grabbed her wrists, yanking on them and behind her back before using his belt to tie them together. Lexa mumbled past the gag, trying to speak, trying to apologize for what she did, wanting to tell him she should have been quieter, that this was his fault, that she knew better than to have the police called, but she couldn’t get even a single word out.

The first punch made Lexa tear up, letting out a silent cry as her mouth fell open but no noise came out past the gag.  She just about managed to keep herself upright when Michael hit her again, a dull but audible smack sounding at the fist coming in contact with the soft flesh of her stomach. He kept going, not giving her much of a chance to so much as catch her breath between them. All Lexa knew was that each strike hurt more than the last, her body becoming more sensitive and sore as the minutes ticked by, hot tears streaming down her cheeks.

Michael showed no signs of stopping; Lexa was clearly in distress, the muffled grunts and cries, the tears, the way her body barely stayed upright with every impact, he could see it all but it didn’t make it stop. Instead he moved his target from her torso to her face, letting his fist land on her cheeks and jaw, one veering a little off course and giving Lexa, what would end up becoming, a black eye.

By the time he stopped, Lexa was just barely sitting up straight. It was almost difficult to breathe, her chest hurt with every breath she took, he had punched her nose as well which made it difficult to take deep breaths, and not to mention the gag was only obstructing her breathing further. But it felt like he was done for now, done for the night, and maybe within the next couple of minutes, Lexa would be able to sink into bed under the covers after taking some painkillers. That turned out to be just hopeful thinking when Michael grabbed a handful of her hair and used it to slam her head back onto the oak headboard of their bed.

He pulled her back up, throwing her to the side onto the bed. The impact made her feel a little dizzy, vision blurring for a moment before returning back to normal, and the pain ran from the back of her head down to her neck. Lexa groaned as she fell to lay on her side, sore and aching, more apologies spilled out of her lips but they didn’t make it anywhere, Michael’s tie in her mouth effectively keeping her quiet.  

“Are you going to keep quiet if I take that out of your mouth?” Michael finally asked and Lexa didn’t waste a moment before nodding. He undid the belt holding her hands behind her back, giving her permission to remove the gag. “Take it off,”

Lexa could see the indents left on her wrists by the leather, but she didn’t waste a moment before yanking the tie out of her mouth and taking in gulps of air to try and catch her breath.

“Take it all off,” Michael clarified as he stepped off the bed. “And be quick with it.” He added when Lexa just laid there, unbuttoning his own shirt and taking his trousers off when Lexa finally moved to do the same. “Good girl.”

Chapter Text

The laughter continued past a joke as Clarke and her friends went back to their food over brunch. They were all at Burgatory today to celebrate Anya winning a big case. There was a bigger celebration planned for the weekend, a party at Raven’s with more than just their closest friends; Anya wasn’t one to throw parties but this was a big deal, a case Anya was all but certain she was going to lose but after the verdict came back yesterday, she had been over the moon and Raven knew she had to do something big for her girlfriend. They didn’t want to wait though, Raven had called everyone up between last night and this morning, asking to meet up over brunch and everyone managed to move some things around to get there for Anya.

Clarke had called in to work so she would have a later start to the day, enjoying the time she had already spent with her friends; these unexpected and unplanned get-togethers tended to be something Clarke held very dear to her heart. It wasn’t planned, it wasn’t a big deal either, but everyone was here and it was always a good time. It was more than just their usual group today; Nathan and his boyfriend, as well as Bellamy, Monty, and Jasper with their girlfriends. They didn’t get to see one another all that often; Clarke, Octavia, and Raven did brunch every Sunday come hell or high water, and sometimes their respective partners would join them too, but they didn’t see the others unless there was an occasion for it.

“Oh man, you’re not going to believe this.” Bellamy started, setting his fork down and speaking more at Clarke than anyone else. “That new friend of yours, the married one you met at church?”

Clarke nodded, waiting expectedly for him to continue. “Yeah?”

“So two of our guys got called down to her house last night.” Bellamy was the Chief’s Deputy at the Sheriff’s Department, so he knew what was going on almost constantly not just within the department but all over town as well.

Clarke’s face well, heart skipping a beat at the possibility of why that must have been.

“Why?” Octavia asked before Clarke could, not able to see what could have happened at Lexa’s house that the cops went knocking.

“I haven’t met her properly, just in passing a couple of times at the church.” Bellamy continued. “And I just about know her husband from your New Year’s party, so maybe I just don’t know them that well.” He added, looking around the table. “But I was so surprised when I heard about this call.”

“What happened?” Clarke asked, doing her best to keep her voice steady and not let the fear show. Everyone else at the table looked curious as well, everyone here knew Lexa and Michael, but most of them knew her and Michael only about as well as Bellamy did.

“So the call came in a little past midnight, neighbors heard something that worried them. They thought it might be a possible domestic disturbance.” Bellamy said to the table.

“Oh damn,” Raven commented. “Everything okay?”

Bellamy nodded, “Turns out,” He leaned in on the table, closer to the group. “They were having sex.” He explained with a smirk, “Like, loud and freaky sex. To the point that the neighbors thought he beating her or something.”

The table couldn’t help but gasp and gawk at this new revelation, none of them being able to quite picture Lexa and Michael being that couple.

“Well shit,” Octavia laughed once the shock past, “That was the last thing I expected from those two.”

Luna nodded, she had seen Lexa more than anyone else here – other than Clarke, of course – and she couldn’t quite imagine that being her. “I would have never expected it,” She added and turned to Clarke, “Who would have thought Lexa was secretly a freak in bed, huh?”

Clarke’s mouth had gone dry listening to this conversation, she knew what exactly had gone down behind the walls of her home, she knew what Bellamy heard was just a cover to satisfy the cops. “Not me,” She forced a laugh, hoping it didn’t sound as fake as it felt. “Lexa? She doesn’t seem like the type.”

“Tell me about it.” Raven nodded, looking at Luna. “And Michael? They both look so…”

“Vanilla.” Octavia finished for her, everyone nodding in agreement.

“Okay!” Clarke stopped them, raising her hand and not intending to be as loud as she was. Her eyes went to Bellamy, “I really don’t think you should be going around talking about that, Bell.”

“It’s not talking about it, I’m just telling my friends.” He shrugged defensively, with an awkward smile. “It’s not like I’m going around broadcasting it to the entire town.”

“Yeah, but it’s their private life.” Clarke argued, shaking her head slowly. “I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate us discussing their sex life over brunch.”

Lexa rubbed her eyes as she sat down on the couch later in the morning with a mug of tea. Michael left for work this morning, and despite the night she had had, Lexa was up in the morning before him, getting his clothes and breakfast ready so at least Michael could have a good start to the day even if she couldn’t. Her body ached and protested the moment she opened her eyes, wanting nothing more than for Lexa to stay in bed and sleep a little longer instead of ironing shirts and cooking breakfast for an ungrateful husband who wouldn’t even think to thank her for it. But she knew she had to, knew it would only make things worse for her if she made him late – or, god forbid, didn’t do anything at all this morning.

It had taken her a few extra minutes to get herself ready before Michael woke up today; immediately reaching for her makeup after brushing her teeth and washing her face. A handful of bruises on her face had developed overnight, the worst ones being the near-black bruise on the left side of her jaw and the blue rim under her right eye. Lexa wanted to cover it up before Michael got the chance to see it; he wouldn’t complain about it now – he would if he saw her like this once he returned from work, no doubt making a comment on how she wasn’t presentable – but Lexa didn’t want to tempt him into leaving any more before he left the house this morning.

Lexa was alone in the house now, hands clasped around her favorite mug as the warmth radiated up to her body. She needed a moment to herself, a quiet moment to gather her thoughts, gather her emotions, before being able to continue with her day. She took a sip of her tea and hummed in contentment, this very small moment being enough to fill her with a brief sense of calm and comfort, trying to tell herself that she was okay, that she was going to be okay. It felt like a lie even when Lexa thought it to herself; with every passing day, it felt a little worse, it felt a little more than she could handle, and with every day she spent with Michael, Lexa felt the cracks within her getting bigger and bigger – and it was only a matter of time before she broke entirely.

How long can I keep this up? How long can I keep enduring this? Lexa wanted to scold herself for even thinking that. She knew there was no other way, knew there was nowhere else for her to go, anything else for her to do. It just wasn’t possible, there was too much holding her back. And dwelling on what if’swould only hurt her further. She never put much thought into it, didn’t think much of how things could change or what could be if she got away, Lexa knew there was nothing good that could come out of it. But maybe today was the first time Lexa was thinking about exactly how much longer she could deal with this, how much longer she would be able to endure this life. It was less about what if there was another way, and more of what happens when I break?

The doorbell ringing brought her out of her thoughts, Lexa snapping her head up and towards the direction of the front door. She wasn’t expecting anyone, and given how last night’s visitors made her night all that much worse, she wasn’t keen on seeing anyone right now. Regardless, Lexa set the mug down on the coffee table and pushed herself up on her feet, pulling the soft cardigan snugly over her shoulders and chest before making her way to answer the door.

She checked through the peephole, sighing as she saw a different pair of sheriffs on the other side of the door. Lexa was certain they were successfully convinced everything was fine last night, they had no reason not to after all, so she didn’t know why they would be here now. She took a deep breath and straightened herself, adjusting her hair and clothes, not wanting to give them any indication that something might be wrong – now she was even more glad that she took the time in the morning to cover up the bruises.

Lexa wanted them gone as soon as possible, she didn’t want Michael to know they were here again, if last night was any indication, he didn’t like anyone poking their noses into their business. Maybe seeing them here again made Lexa think that it might have been Clarke after all. Last night was because of a noise complaint, so they said, there was nothing like that to check out now so why else would they be here? And as much as Lexa didn’t want to even consider that being a possibility, she couldn’t help but be a little suspicious. After all, Clarke was the only one that knew about this side of her marriage; and they were together now, actually together, so maybe what Clarke wanted was to get Lexa away from Michael for good by calling the Sheriff’s Department.

Putting on a polite smile, Lexa unlocked the door and opened it. A man and a woman stood in front of her, both in uniform, same as last night.  

“Good morning ma’am.” The female officer greeted. “I’m Sergeant Bragg and this is my partner Sergeant Scott.”

“Good morning.” Lexa greeted uncertainly. “How can I help you, officers?”

“I understand you had a visit from two of our colleagues last night.” The man, whom Lexa presumed was Scott, added.

“Yes,” Lexa nodded, crossing her arms over her chest, pulling the cardigan closed over her front to protect herself from the chill in the January air. “And my husband and I told them everything was fine.”

“Yes,” Sergeant Bragg responded. “It’s protocol to do a follow-up in instances like these. So is it all right if we come inside for a little chat?”

“I have a very busy day ahead of me, Sergeant.” Lexa tried to politely decline. “So if we could just talk here, that would be great.”

“I’m sure you’ll be more comfortable talking in private, ma’am.” Scott said to her, his partner nodding in response.

Lexa sighed. “I know what you want to ask me, and the answer is no.” She told them frankly. “It was not a domestic disturbance that the noise complaint was about. Michael- my husband, was not hurting me last night, it really was just what we told your coworkers.”

“I understand that.” The woman nodded; she had no way of knowing whether Lexa was telling the truth or not, if she was protecting an abusive partner or if they really were just having wild sex that got a little too loud. But it was her job to find out, “But I’m sure you can appreciate that we need to make sure of it.”

“Yes, of course.” Lexa answered, giving them both another smile. “But I assure you, I’m fine, I’m safe with my husband. It wasn’t what it sounded like.” She gave them a lighthearted laugh, “Between us, I would rather not get into the details of my sex life, I’m sure you can understand that.” The officers nodded understandingly, a lighter mood in the air because Lexa was speaking playfully about the previous night, making it clear to them that nothing bad was happening. “And I’m sure neither of you want to know much of it either.”

They both huffed out a small laugh, nodding in agreement. “You’re right there.” Scott told her, him and his partner stepping away to leave.

“Well, we’re sorry for bothering you.” Bragg added on their way out.

“No, no, it’s fine.” Lexa waved it off, “You’re just doing your jobs.”

“Have a good day, ma’am.”

Lexa waited until they reached their car before going back inside the house. She closed the door immediately, leaning back against it and taking in a deep breath. If Michael found out somehow that they had come back, she would be in for yet another awful night. He wasn’t particularly friends with their neighbors, but someone must have seen the car now, and the last thing Lexa wanted was for people to think something questionable was going on behind their doors. It was no one else’s business, Lexa firmly believed that too, no one else needed to know what happened between her and Michael. Sure she had told Clarke, but that was less of Clarke needing to know and more of the fact that Lexa needed to talk to someone about what she was going through.

Clarke, and there was the terrible thought once again. But Lexa shook her head, trying to push those thoughts away as she returned to the living room. Her hands were trembling as she sat back down and picked up her mug of tea, and did her best to take a deep breath and calm herself. But her chest hurt, quite a lot, it ached with every breath she took, and with the way her ribs expanded when Lexa tried to take in another deep breath, she was cut off wheezing instead. She rubbed her chest as her face grimaced, taking a moment and waiting for the hurt to pass.

Lexa threw her head back and groaned out in frustration when her phone rang. Too tired and exhausted, and entirely drained out to even want to speak to anyone. Regardless, she brought herself up, reaching to the other side of the couch to find her phone. The name that lit up her screen was enough to always bring a smile to her face, but all it did today was make her heart pound in anxiety at the thought Clarke might have been yet another person who broke her trust. She didn’t want to think Clarke would do that, didn’t want that to be a possibility because she was the one person Lexa had right now, the one person she could trust and open up to.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked in place of a greeting as soon as Lexa answered.

Lexa remained silent for a moment, unsure of what to say in response. “Was it you?”

“What?” Clarke questioned, not knowing what exactly Lexa was asking.

“Was it you?” Lexa repeated. “Did you call the Sheriff’s Department?”

“What?” Clarke exclaimed. “No, Lexa-”

“Because you’re the only one who knows and-”

“I promise you, it wasn’t me.” Clarke reassured her. “You asked me not to, and I would never go behind your back like that.”

“Then how did you know they were here?” Lexa couldn’t help but ask.

“Octavia’s brother, Bellamy, is a sheriff.” Clarke answered. “He told me.”

“Right,” Lexa nodded to herself, not knowing how she felt about this story going around. “Because it just made my night so much worse and I didn’t want to think it was you.”

Clarke could hear the hurt in Lexa’s voice, could hear the way it trembled and it broke her heart just listening to her. “I wouldn’t.” She told her again. “And I promise you, I never will. Unless you ask me to, I won’t ever do something like that. Especially without warning you beforehand.”

Lexa let out a sigh of relief, she didn’t want to believe it was Clarke but the suspicion was there. And now she was regretting accusing Clarke of it. “I’m so sorry.” She apologized immediately. “I shouldn’t have thought it was y-”

“No, no.” Clarke dismissed it. “I understand why you did.” She paused for a second before asking again, “Are you okay?”

“I-” Lexa started, fully prepared to lie once again today but then stopped herself. “No,” She sighed, “I’m not.” She took in a shaky breath, tears spilling once again, her only comfort being the fact that Clarke couldn’t see her right. “Are you at work?”

“Not at the moment. But I will be soon.”

“Can I come see you?” Lexa asked. “Please?”

“Yeah, of course.” Clarke answered. “Come by in half an hour, I’ll be back by then.”

But Lexa changed her mind almost immediately, realizing it was probably a bad idea to be around someone else right now. Clarke didn’t need to see her now, didn’t need to have to deal with her when she was at such a low point. Not to mention, Clarke would be at work, she had better and more important things to do, Lexa didn’t want to be a distraction. “Actually, never mind.” She stopped herself.

“Why?” Clarke asked, not knowing what had suddenly changed.

“You’ll be at work, I shouldn’t bother you there.” Lexa answered.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Clarke asked her instead, not wanting to push her when she sounded so low.

“Seems like you and the entire sheriff’s department know already.” Lexa sounded more upset than anything else, not so much annoyed by others’ knowing but just upset over what happened last night.

“Yeah, I’m really sorry about that.” Clarke apologized. “I told Bellamy off for mouthing off like that.”

“That’s not important.” Lexa shook her head. “Besides, I think there are worse reputations to get around town.” She forced out a small laugh, wanting to lighten the mood even if it was just slightly. Lexa was regretting worrying Clarke like this, she didn’t want to be any more of a burden than she already was, and it wasn’t like Clarke could change anything right now. “Don’t worry about me, okay?” Lexa told her. “I’m good.”

“Really?” Clarke asked. “Because only a moment ago you said you weren’t okay.” She didn’t hear back from the other side, only silence responding to her to the point Clarke thought she wasn’t even on the line anymore. “Baby, are you still there?”

“Yeah.” Lexa breathed out, she wasn’t okay, far from it today. But just hearing Clarke call her baby made her heart flutter in her chest. “I’m still here.”

“I’m coming over.” Clarke said with finality; Lexa sounded upset, sounded like she was in a particularly bad place today. “I’ll stay until Michael comes home, I can take the rest of the day off from wo-”

“No, don’t.” Lexa stopped her. “Please, just go back to work, I’m-” A shaky breath cut her off, wanting to cry again. She was on the verge of bursting out in tears again, lips trembling and chest tightening, wanting nothing more than to burrow herself under some blankets and cry herself to sleep.

“Hey, hey.” Clarke tried from the other end of the call, hearing what was unmistakably the sound of quiet sobbing. “Please talk to me.” She began walking away from where she stood, going towards her car to get a little more privacy to speak to Lexa. “What happened last night, Lex?” Clarke asked as she approached her car in the small parking lot behind the restaurant.

“What always happens.” Lexa answered past a sob, a wave of quiet rage and disappointment replacing the hurt momentarily. “He beat the fuck out of me.” She sighed, “More than he would have last night because someone thought they were doing me a favor by calling the cops.” Her jaw clicked from side to side, upset and angry, somewhere between wanting to cry and scream out of frustration.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke sighed as she sat into her car, closing the door and leaning back in her seat.

“I’m so tired, Clarke.” Lexa admitted, clearly defeated. “I don’t know how much longer I can keep up with, I don’t know how I can keep taking this.”

“You don’t have to.” Clarke tried, speaking softly and not wanting Lexa to feel like she was pressuring her. “You’ve taken it long enough, you can leave, you can walk away.”

“I can’t, though.” Lexa told her sadly. “It’s not that simple.”

“I wish it could be.” Clarke told her instead of arguing; she knew that wouldn’t get her anywhere, if anything, it would just force Lexa to shut down and push her away.

Lexa nodded to herself, she did too. “What happens when I hit my breaking point?” She asked Clarke, mostly voicing her thoughts to herself. “How much more can I even take?”

“Look,” Clarke started. “I can’t make you leave, I can’t talk you into walking away because I know there are too many things holding you back.” Lexa had told her numerous times that it wasn’t about what she wanted, it never had been, and it never would be, so Clarke knew there was no point in dwelling on that right now. Lexa wouldn’t want to hear it; she was in a bad place, and this wouldn’t help. “But I promise that I’ll be here, okay? When you think you’ve hit that limit, when you feel like you can’t take anymore, I will be here by your side.”

“But what am I going to do then?” Lexa questioned, talking to Clarke was helping more than Lexa thought it would.

“I don’t know,” Then I’ll get you out, I take you away from here, I’ll make sure you have somewhere safe to go to when you can’t take it anymore, Clarke thought to herself, not saying any of it out loud because any and all talk of Lexa leaving Michael ended badly. “But I know we can figure it out together.”

I love you, Lexa wanted to say, wanted to say that that was enough for her, more than really, that she couldn’t ask any more than Clarke’s promise to stay with her. But she couldn’t say those three words out loud, knew that if she did, it would all become that much more difficult. “Yeah, I think I can handle it if you’re with me.”

Chapter Text

Date moodboard:

In her almost twenty-four years on this planet, this was quite possibly the first Valentine’s Day Lexa was looking forward to. This was her and Clarke’s first Valentine’s Day and Clarke was determined to make it a good one. They had been together…actually, Lexa wasn’t sure exactly how long they had been together; between their break and the short amount of time they spent romantically involved but not actually together, Lexa wasn’t sure which date actually held significance for their relationship. Regardless, she was very excited for today; Clarke had planned the date, she wouldn’t tell Lexa where they were going or what they were doing, only that it was out of town so they wouldn’t have to worry about running into anyone they knew, and that she would get Lexa home before Michael returned from work.

Lexa had spent a good hour trying to decide on what to wear, and then another hour doing her hair and makeup. She knew she didn’t need to make that much of an effort for Clarke, knew that Clarke didn’t expect her to get all dolled up for her, but Lexa wanted to. She wanted to wear something cute and do her makeup and have her hair look nice because Lexa knew Clarke would actually appreciate it; she felt like a giddy teenager as she sat in front of the mirror of her dresser, applying the final touches to her makeup, a smile on her face that just wouldn’t go away. She never liked dressing up for someone else, especially Michael; he made her feel like an object, looking at her and talking at her, never showing appreciation, and actually making her feel worse about herself. Clarke on the other hand was the opposite, she made Lexa feel good about herself, made her feel beautiful and wanted, she looked at Lexa like she was the sun and stars and every other planet out there.

She had decided on a cute sundress, one she had bought last summer but was saving up for a special occasion. It was white with small flowers all over it, a slightly low cut neck which was tied in front of the chest, showing off the expanse of smooth skin just above her cleavage and a simple pearl necklace completed the look. Lexa’s breasts weren’t big enough for the dress to be all that revealing, and with the way the shape of it cupped her chest, she could comfortably go without a bra and still have it look somewhat modest. Clarke will appreciate it, Lexa wouldn’t help but think to herself, a little surprised at herself for thinking like that, for actively wanting to be attractive and maybe even sexy.

She was excited as she made her way down the stairs, checking the dainty wristwatch which told her Clarke was only a few minutes away. She was always on time, Clarke was entirely too punctual, to the minute more times than not, especially when she didn’t have work. She had taken the day off, wanting to spend as much of their first Valentine’s Day together as possible. Lexa didn’t know what to expect, the few dates they had been on – regardless of how simple or lowkey some of them were – were quite literally perfect so she knew regardless of what Clarke had planned for today, it was going to be a good one. The doorbell rang exactly when Lexa was expecting it to, Lexa just finishing doing the straps of her wedge heels and making her way to the door to answer it.

“Hi,” Clarke greeted her with a warm smile, letting her eyes take in the sight in front of her. Lexa looked beautiful, the dress, the hair, the delicate jewelry, the almost shy look in her eyes, it all took Clarke’s breath away. “God, you’re gorgeous.” She breathed out quietly, wanting to reach out and touch her hair, push away that one stray strand of soft curls that had fallen over her face, and tuck it behind her ear. But they weren’t in the clear yet, Lexa’s neighbors were around and Clarke didn’t want to be seen, that’s why the flowers she had gotten her were safely in the backseat of her car for when they were out away from everyone’s prying eyes.

Lexa could feel the heat in her cheeks from the compliment, wanting to say the same to Clarke but the words got lost as her mind got a little distracted by the way the brown t-shirt – with a very generous neckline – clung to the front of her body. Yeah, she really did feel like a teenager, being so distracted by a pair of boobs in front of her that she couldn’t even tell Clarke how she was feeling was not something Lexa expected to experience as an adult. But the word beautiful didn’t properly describe how Clarke looked today, the loose fitted brown trousers, the chunky belt, and tucked in – tight – shirt, the way she looked as she stood there with her hands in her pockets, just the way she carried herself…no, handsome was probably fitted better but Lexa almost felt weird for thinking that, she didn’t want to offend Clarke by calling her handsome.

“Ready to go?” Clarke asked after a moment, Lexa nodding and Clarke taking a step away so Lexa could exit the house. She waited as Lexa closed the door, listening to it lock automatically with a click before following Clarke to the car that was parked on the road right in front of the house.

Lexa couldn’t help but smile when Clarke opened the car door for her, waiting until she had sat down before closing it and circling to the other side of the car to get into the driver’s side. She was the perfect gentlewoman, she always was, and it seemed like the occasion of their first Valentine’s Day date only made Clarke take that role more seriously.

“So, where are we going?” Lexa asked once they had driven off and left her street.

“It’s a surprise.” Clarke answered casually, eyes on the road. “All I will say is, it’s a little out of town, and it’s a quiet place too so we can have some privacy.” She continued, reaching out her free hand and taking Lexa’s before setting them down on her lap. “I think you’ll like it. It’s our first Valentine’s Day together so I wanted to make it special.”

It was Lexa and Michael’s first Valentine’s Day as a married couple too, but he wasn’t making even half the effort Clarke was. He had already told Lexa where they were going, a slightly above-mid-range chain restaurant for dinner, and then back home for…well, Lexa didn’t want to think about that last part. She was hoping her and Clarke would get some alone time before she had to go back though, not knowing how long they would be out but possibly getting an hour – or even half that – at Clarke’s house would be…nice. It had been a few days since her and Clarke got to spend some one-on-one time behind the privacy of a closed door, and Lexa was in desperate need of it. She missed the feeling of her skin against Clarke’s, the way Clarke touched and kissed her and made sure to caress every part of her body with her lips, and how her fingers – or tongue – felt inside her.

Lexa shook the thoughts away – for now – just thinking about it was making her a little uneasy in her seat. Images and sensations from their last evening together clouding her mind and almost making her squirm; there had never been anyone who had ever made her feel the way Clarke did, there was magic in those hands – and lips, and tongue, and- She was getting lost in those thoughts again, so in an attempt to focus on the present, Lexa looked around the car, trying to find a clue as to where they were headed. And all it took was turning her head towards the back seat to find what she was looking for.

“I see a picnic basket.” Lexa commented, a very new excitement blossoming in her chest at the sight of it. There were a lot of things Lexa hadn’t experienced yet, and maybe a romantic picnic was one of them. “A very nice picnic basket, might I add.” It looked a little worn out but that added to the charm, well-loved rather than worn out if Lexa thought about it, actually. It was a large wicker basket with a hinged closure, a sturdy woven handle, and the checkered fabric lining could be seen from the edges.

“It’s my mom’s.” Clarke answered. “Or well, it was her.” She added. “I knew there was one at the house because no matter where I looked for one, I couldn’t find one that didn’t look like it would break the moment I put something in it. So I dug around in the attic and garage and lo and behold, there it was.” She had fond memories attached to it, summertime with both her parents when she was a kid, even when she was a teenager really, up until losing her dad it was something they did multiple times over the summer. As a kid, it was running around with her dad chasing her while her mom sat on the picnic blanket and watched them fondly, throwing a ball around as she got older, and reading under the sun when she was a teenager. And Clarke was hoping to create some more memories with Lexa. “I know it’s a little lowkey bu-”

“I like lowkey.” Lexa stopped her. She didn’t need big grand gestures to know Clarke cared about her. She put in the effort to plan the day, she packed them a picnic, and found a place where they could freely be with each other for a while, and that meant so much more than an over-the-top date without any heart.

“Yeah,” Clarke smiled with a small nod. “I thought you would.” Lexa didn’t seem like someone who liked things that were too much, she liked the quiet, liked the peaceful moments where it was only the two of them. So Clarke wanted to give her just that today. “There’s also some flowers back there.” She added casually, not wanting to give away the fact that she had booked the bouquet of thirty-seven roses three weeks in advance from her favorite florist so it would actually be available on Valentine’s Day. “I didn’t want to get it out of the car when I went to pick you up because you know,”

Lexa nodded, she did know. And it was a little upsetting that Clarke couldn’t even give her some flowers without having to worry about who was watching. It would have been fine any other day, no one would bat an eye at it, but given that it was Valentine’s Day, neither of them wanted anyone to wonder.

“Can you reach them from here?” Clarke asked and Lexa gave her a nod, leaning back between the two front seats and reaching for the carefully wrapped bouquet of roses in the backseat.

“Wow,” Lexa let out a small breath, Clarke had gotten her roses on their first date, two of which Lexa had pressed into a book – one pink, and one yellow – but these were very different. Red roses had a very different connotation to the light pink and yellow ones she had received all those months ago. Not to mention, they did not look like they were just picked up from the florist on the way over – because Lexa knew for a fact Clarke wouldn’t be getting her flowers from the gas station or supermarket – they were arranged and tied very carefully, telling her Clarke had it specifically ordered for today, this didn’t look like just another bouquet. “Oh, wow.”

“There’s thirty-seven roses.” Clarke told her. “One for every day we’ve been together since we talked when you stayed over at my place.”

Lexa couldn’t help the quiet gasp that escaped at the short explanation. That was a good starting point for their relationship, there wasn’t a clear-cut time or day if you were to ask either of them, but this felt like an appropriate one. It was a talk they had been putting off, a conversation they needed to have since the day Clarke found out Lexa was married. They really thought they could be just friends but what they felt for each other was a little too strong and the time they spent apart could have potentially been avoided if they had been more honest with each other.

“I don’t think we have an actual date when we got together.” Clarke continued. “So this felt like a good starting point.”

Lexa dipped her head to smell the flowers, not knowing what to even say to such a special gesture. “They’re beautiful, thank you.” She finally got out, throat tightening and eyes glassy as tears filled them. “I really don’t know what to say.” No, it was a given that no one had ever done something like this for her, Michael probably didn’t even remember when their wedding anniversary was let along the day they started dating, so it was making her a little emotional.

“There should be a little card in there too.” Clarke glanced over at her for a moment, needing to look back at the road as they continued driving and Lexa looked through the flowers for the three-by-four card that was delicately placed amongst them.

She pulled it out carefully, not wanting to disturb the arrangement. The side she was looking at said the florist’s name and flipped it around for what she expected to be a note from Clarke. And it was, handwritten in quite possibly the most beautiful penmanship she had seen, a delicate script reading out one small sentence, 'My darling, you are worth it all'

Lexa hadn’t realized the tears she was fighting had escaped, a lump in her throat and chest tight at reading the note. No one else had ever made her feel like that, made her feel like she was worth anything at all; her parents made her feel less than worthless, Michael made her feel like nothing more than an object there to fulfil his wants and needs. She wasn’t worth anyone’s love, anyone’s effort, time, or even kindness; Lexa’s life was theirs, never hers to live, never hers to enjoy. But oh, oh Clarke, Clarke made her feel like maybe she could have something more than that, maybe she did deserve to be treated with some sort of dignity and care.

Clarke had chosen the perfect little spot for their date today. It was almost an hour out of town, walking no more than five minutes after parking the car to a clearing by a lake. It was a gorgeous location, an almost empty meadow with slightly overgrown grass, daisies, and a few dandelions here and there, and they set the blanket down close by the water too, under the shade of a tree and overlooking the ducks and swans swimming by. Clarke had packed them a very nice brunch picnic; sandwiches, fruits, pastries, and of course a couple of bottles of white wine and rosé. Then they were going to walk down to a café close to here for some coffee and maybe a late lunch if they were up for it before heading back.

Clarke watched as Lexa sat back on the blanket, half lying and half sitting, supporting herself on her hands as she looked up at the clouds. She looked so beautiful, there was an air of lightness in the way she carried herself today, the smallest smile as the two of them went about making small conversation and grazing on the numerous different snacks laid out in front of them. Clarke didn’t know what it was, didn’t know what was different today that had Lexa in a better mood than usual, maybe it was just the fact that there was a good deal of distance between the two of them and Michael, but whatever it was, Clarke was glad, she didn’t get to see Lexa like this too often.

“Thank you for today.” Lexa started a while later, the two of them now lying on the blanket together, Clarke’s back against the tree trunk and Lexa’s head on her lap while she absentmindedly ran her fingers through her hair. “This is going to sound incredibly pathetic, but this is my first Valentine’s Day date.”

Clarke only looked down at her with a soft smile, shaking her head. “It’s not.” Lexa had spent most of her life doing only what her parents wanted of her and nothing else, she didn’t have the opportunity to, was never given the chance to ever do anything she wanted for herself. Clarke knew she was the first woman she had been intimate with it, and Lexa had never mentioned it but there was a good chance that she hadn’t dated another woman before her either – or if she did, it was never anything too serious. “I just hope I made your first one a good one.”

“You did.” Lexa answered, turning to lay on her back to look up at Clarke. “I can’t imagine today being any more perfect.”

“I wish I could take you out more.” Clarke commented. “You deserve to have more fun dates.”

“This is more than enough.” Lexa shook her head. “Every moment I get to spend with you is more than I could have ever hoped for.”

It wasn’t enough, Clarke always wanted more, she wanted to be able to give Lexa more, to give her everything she actually deserved. She wanted to love her and be there for her, wanted to be the sort of partner Lexa could depend on and feel safe with. She wanted to show her what love truly was but there was only so much she could do, there was only so much Clarke was allowed to, and as much as she wanted to get Lexa away from Michael for her own sake, Clarke had a little bit of a selfish motive too, she wanted Lexa all to herself, didn’t want her going back home to a man who didn’t love her. “You deserve more, Lex.”

Lexa only shrugged lightly, “I don’t know if I do.”

“Of course, you do.” Clarke argued, her voice still soft. “And I wish I could give it to you. Big important dates, casual dates for no reason, days in where we do nothing but cuddle on the couch and watch trash TV, lazy mornings, late nights. All of it.”

“That actually sounds really nice.” Lexa answered with a sad smile, tearing up again. “I wish we could have that.”

Clarke thought about it for a moment, she usually bit her tongue instead of asking Lexa to leave Michael. It tended to come up when Lexa was in a bad place, when something had happened at home, the times Clarke wanted to take Lexa away from harm’s way, take her away from everyone in her life who took her for granted and abused her. But it was different now, she was in a good place today, she looked happier, lighter, they were both having a good time. “Maybe we can.” Clarke started uncertainly. “Leave him, Lexa.”

“Clarke I can’t.” Lexa sighed with a shake of her head, not sounding upset but just tired. “You know I can’t.”

“Maybe you can?” Clarke asked. “You’re not alone anymore, you can leave, you can be safe.”

“I’ll never be safe if I leave.” Lexa reminded. “Between Michael and my family, you know I’ll never be safe if I walk away.”

Clarke sighed with a nod, she understood what Lexa meant, she had seen the marks Michael left on her almost constantly, had seen her father’s handprint around her throat when they visited last year, she knew they would never let her leave – especially if it meant leaving to be with another woman. And if Clarke wanted to convince her to leave, convince her that she would be safe, then she would need a plan, an actual plan that went beyond telling her to she would take care of it. And at the moment, she didn’t have much of one, didn’t actually have anything at all, and just taking Lexa out of her house in hopes of it working wouldn’t do either of them much good.

“I know I don’t have a plan yet.” Clarke started. “But I’ll get you out of there, away from all of them, I don’t know how but I pro-”

“Don’t.” Lexa stopped her before she could finish. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“I always keep my promises.” Clarke reassured, fingers threading through the waves of Lexa’s hair. “I promise I’ll get you out, I promise things will one day be okay. I don’t know when, but I know it won’t always be like this.”

It was the perfect day, Lexa still had a smile on her face when Clarke dropped her off. They had gone back to Clarke’s place after the café – which was just as cute as Clarke had made it out to be; a quaint little cottage turned into a coffee shop serving quite possibly the best sandwiches Lexa had ever tasted. After that they got to spend a good hour in Clarke’s bed, tangled under the covers before Lexa’s little bubble of bliss had to be popped and she went back home. She went up to the bookshelf in the living room once she returned home, not thinking all that much before grabbing a book from her side of the shelf to press one of the roses from the bouquet into it along with the card.

Now she was standing in the living room across from Michael, doing her best to choose the right words so she wouldn’t make him mad. He had seen the roses, Lexa had them in a vase and set on the living room side table and asked about them. This wasn’t the first time Lexa had come back from spending time with Clarke with flowers, Michael barely ever asked about them, he rarely noticed, but when he did Lexa told him she had bought it herself. Which was believable after all, Lexa liked flowers and there was nothing wrong with wanting to get some for the house. So she hadn’t thought twice about bringing the roses back home today.

“So it’s a jab at me, huh?” Michael questioned after Lexa told him she had bought them.

“Of course not, why would it be?” Lexa shook her head, unsure why he was taking it personally.

“Valentine’s Day, red roses,” Michael answered. “It’s not a very subtle way to tell me I didn’t get you some fucking flowers today.”

“It wasn’t that, I ju-”

“None of this is enough for you?” He stopped her, looking around the house. “It’s not enough that I provide for you, give you everything you could ask for?” Michael took a step with every word, closing the distance between them. “I had the perfect night planned for us, but no,” He shook his head. “I fell one goddamned bouquet of flowers short?”

“No, Michael.” Lexa shook her head. “That’s not-” A backhanded slap across the face cut her off. “I’m sorry, I didn’t-” It was a punch to the stomach that had her doubling over, unable to finish even apologizing.

“I was going to take you out for a nice meal, have a great night afterward, and I’d think that was enough to forgo some crappy flowers.” Michael leaned down and picked up the vase with the roses, “But no, I guess not.” He threw the whole thing onto the floor at Lexa, watching as the glass shattered into thousands of pieces. “You ungrateful little bitch.”

Lexa yelped, trying to jump away from it as it smashed against the front of her legs, the shards cutting into her exposed skin, no doubt some of it embedding into her as well. “Michael I-” She tried to apologize past the sharp pain in her legs.

“Go upstairs.” Michael grabbed her by the hair, yanking her in the direction of the door of the living room and pushing her towards it. “I don’t want to see your face right now,” He didn’t even give her a second look, Lexa standing on the threshold with the blood dripping down her legs, the hem of her dress catching some of it and getting stained red. “We’re not going out tonight, but I’m not done with you yet.”

Chapter Text

“And remember, God loves you.”

Gustus’ voice reverberated through the church, the warmth of his smile radiating with it and reaching every member of the congregation except for Lexa. Those words didn’t mean much to her, and neither did the kindness behind them. She had spent enough time in places of worship to know that. What she received in the name of God didn’t feel like love; harsh words from her parents, the beatings from her father to try and get her to fall in line, the scars on her back in an attempt to wash her of her sins. There were more scars on her body than she could keep track of, most given to her by either one of her parents, and almost always in the name of religion, because she was being a bad Christian or feeling something that wasn’t allowed by her faith, and the only way her parents saw fit to change that was by trying to beat it out of her.

So no, God didn’t feel like love, hurt and pain and suffering did not feel like love. If God truly loved her why would she be stuck in the life that she was, why would she be punished for wanting to love and be loved? If God did love her, maybe He wouldn’t have made her the way He had, if He did love her, she wouldn’t be cursed with the burden she carried, or the feelings and desires in her heart that were considered so sinful and disgusting that her parents were willing to do anything to suppress them.

What felt like love though, didn’t come from church, or God, or anything their pastor could say. It came from the set of blue eyes looking at her from across the aisle, two rows to the front. Clarke didn’t come to church all that often, rarely ever save for the holidays if you asked her mother, but she had been coming more nowadays, finding this to be one of the few places she could see Lexa, spend a little time with her after the sermon – despite it being with Michael as well. Maybe, to anyone else, that wouldn’t seem like the best of intentions to attend church – rather the opposite, really – but to Lexa, it made her smile, made her heart grow even fonder of the woman she wouldn’t admit she was in love with. It made sitting here a little more bearable when she saw the familiar blonde hair and blue eyes, the flash of a smile, or the brush of her hand on her arm when they greeted each other.

As the sermon came to an end and Lexa got up for her seat, she knew it would still be another half hour at least before they actually left. Everyone took this time to catch up and talk to one another, and despite still being the newest members, both Lexa and Michael had been welcomed in with open arms, and they had quite a large group of acquaintances within the church now.

Lexa waited as Michael spoke to someone they knew, the two men talking about the last hockey game and Lexa took that as her cue to tune them out; she knew very little about sports and never got the appeal of ice hockey in particular, even football was passable. She wanted to leave, wanted to go home already, they had no plans save for getting some food after church, and all Lexa wanted was to be alone in her room and away from everyone else. There was a handprint around her neck that was currently hidden by a scarf, the slight chill in the air giving her enough of an excuse to wear it even inside, and bruises along her jaw covered by concealer, and despite it all being invisible, the pain was very much present.

“Ready to go?” Michael asked once the other man had left. Lexa knew him, they had met before but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t remember his name.

She gave him a nod, looking forward to getting out of here and grabbing a bite. They had started doing this about three weeks ago, getting brunch together after church on Sundays, Michael saying it would be a nice way to spend some time together out of the house. There had been a few date nights here and there too, Michael wanting to make it more of a regular thing for the two of them, telling her that since his job was established and they were properly settled in Arkadia, it was time they started doing more couple activities. She wasn’t particularly fond of it, Lexa despised every moment she had to spend with him, especially when it was in any sort of romantic capacity. But she quickly realized being outside was better than spending the time at home, Michael was always nicer to her, kinder and more charming, always in a better mood when surrounded by others – and always making Lexa wonder how much she was responsible for the way he treated her behind closed doors.

Not to mention, brunch out was better than her having to cook at home. Saturday was enough work as it was, Michael expected a spread at breakfast and Lexa knew there would be consequences if she didn’t deliver. Sunday mornings were less work because they had to leave early to get to church on time, but Lexa had to cook as soon as they got back, so it was a nice change of pace having someone cook for her and serve her.

It wasn't until they were in the parking lot, making their way to the car that they ran into Clarke. She seemed busy speaking to Indra the last time Lexa spotted her and she didn’t want to interrupt whatever conversation they were having but of course, she wanted to at least say hi before they left. And by the time Lexa and Michael were done going around speaking to the few people they knew, Lexa couldn’t find Clarke. They hadn’t seen each other in a couple of days, Clarke busier than usual at work, and Lexa unable to meet after work hours because Michael was home, he had been coming home straight after the past few days last week, so Lexa didn’t get much time to herself. 

“Well, here I was thinking I’d go home without seeing you two.” Clarke started as the couple walked in her direction. “You two are popular in there.” She added as they came to stand across from her by what Michael and Lexa could only assume was Clarke’s car.

“It’s a friendly bunch,” Michael replied with a smile. “Unfortunately we don’t see you here every week.”

“Yeah, I’m not the most devout church-goer.” Clarke shrugged lightly. “You two headed home?” She looked at Lexa this time for a response, it seemed like whenever she had a conversation with both Michael and Lexa, it was always just him speaking. Clarke wasn’t sure if that was subconscious or if that was what Michael wanted her to do, but Lexa almost never spoke when she was with Michael, not unless he looked at her asking for confirmation on what he had said. It was odd, Clarke didn’t grow up ever seeing or experiencing things like that, but from what she knew of Lexa’s family, she had a feeling it was the same for her at home, not being expected to speak, or rather being discouraged from it, learning from an early age that the man who was in charge of her was also the one in control of the conversation, that she didn’t need to speak unless he explicitly asked her to.  

Lexa glanced at Michael as she started, almost like she was asking for his permission to answer. And she only continued when he gave her a small nod, wanting to make sure she wasn’t interrupting him before continuing. “No, actually we’re going for brunch. Then home.”

“You guys should check out Chase’s.” Clarke said looking between the two of them. “It’s sort of a hidden gem in town, doesn’t get as busy as most places on Sundays after church. But they probably have the best waffles in Arkadia and amazing coffee.”

“I have a hankering for waffles right now so we might have to head over there.” Michael replied, pulling out his phone and typing down the name so as to not forget. “Hey, why don’t you join us?”

“Oh,” It was an unexpected invitation. “I wouldn’t want to impose on your time, this seems like something you guys do together every week and I don’t want to intrude.”

“No, no.” Michael waved. “You wouldn’t be, not at all. Company is always nice.”

Truth be told, Clarke already had plans with Octavia and Raven for brunch. Same as every other week, they were meeting at Eggistential Crisis, only a little later today because Clarke was here rather than waking up with the sole mission of getting herself in front of a massive pile of pillowy pancakes and a steaming mug of coffee. They didn’t miss their brunches, no matter what came up, no matter how much work they had over the week that overflowed into the weekend, no matter what other responsibilities cropped up, the three of them always made it to brunch even if they had to change the time around a bit – like they had to today.

“Oh come on, it’s not like you have work to get to today.” Michael asked again. “I know Alexandria spends a lot of time with you but it’s been a while since I have.” They were friendly, Clarke was the closest to a friend Michael had had amongst Lexa’s friends, and knowing how close his wife was to her, he wanted to forge a friendship with her too. Clarke had only been over at their house a couple of times and he had been thinking about asking Lexa to invite her for dinner sometime soon again. “A friend of hers is a friend of mine.”

He really was extremely charismatic and warm, just the air around him made him feel trustworthy and kind, like the sort of man you would want to take to meet your parents or walk you back home at night. Clarke couldn’t understand how he could seem like this and then later go home and hurt his wife. This wasn’t a front, from what she had heard from Lexa, this was genuinely what Michael was like, but so was the more violent side; he was both, and that was what made it so difficult for Lexa to put a bad label on him, because when he wanted, he was the nicest, sweetest man around. And that too without trying, without faking it, without pretending. Not only did it feel genuine, it actually was.

Lexa knew Sunday mornings were reserved for Raven and Octavia, but she also knew if she didn’t try, Michael would get mad at her later. “Yeah, come with us,” Lexa asked Clarke with a small smile.

Clarke thought for a moment, she didn’t cancel on brunch with her friends, hadn’t for as long as she could remember. But well, there was a first time for everything, she couldn’t say no to Lexa. “Yeah, alright.” She gave in with a smile, looking at Michael and adding “You talked me into it.”

“Great!” He beamed. “This will be fun.”

“Yeah, I’ll be back home for dinner.” Lexa heard Michael say from the other end of the phone. It was just past 5 pm now, Michael finished had just work and he had called Lexa to let her know he would be late tonight because he was going out with his friends.

“Okay,” Lexa responded, “Thank you for letting me know.” He didn’t tend to most times, just a text to Lexa saying he would be late with no details of when he would return or even if she should expect him for dinner. Which wouldn’t be as much of a problem as it was if it wasn’t for the fact that it ended up wasting a lot of food; Michael didn’t want to eat leftovers, he wouldn’t eat reheated food, and had made it clear early on in their relationship that he expected Lexa to cook for him every day, so the nights he didn’t eat dinner at home meant the food went straight into the trash. In the earlier days, Lexa would reheat it for herself for lunch the next day, but with her watching what she ate a little more carefully, Lexa didn’t particularly want a heavy meal more than once a day.

Hanging up and putting her phone away, Lexa walked out of the living room and towards the kitchen to get started on dinner. She tended to start cooking when Michael left work to return home, Lexa would prep during the day but he didn’t appreciate reheated food and wanted it fresh out of the oven or off of the stove when he sat down to eat. So after a little trial and error, Lexa was quite apt with her timings to ensure Michael would have nothing to complain about – well, he would still find something, and Lexa would still blame herself for it, telling herself she should have known better or done more, telling herself he was only criticizing because she could do better and would be able to if she only tried a little harder.

Her and Clarke had spent the day together, Lexa spent most of it at the museum between walking around the galleries and in Clarke’s office, and then Clarke had driven her home. It was a good day, it was always a good day when she got to spend it with Clarke, the few hours where she could forget her real life, could let herself believe that this was her life, that Clarke was her partner, and that she was really truly happy. But that was always cut short, no matter how long she spent with Clarke, it was never enough, it could never be enough. They could spend the entire day, an entire weekend, and it wouldn’t be enough time because afterward, Lexa would have to go home and face reality again.

Michael wasn’t in the best mood this morning, so Lexa was expecting it to be the same when he got back home. Somehow she managed to get through the morning with him without being struck and only with a few harsh words being thrown at her, but Lexa was anxious from the moment she returned home, convinced she would have a horrible night starting as soon as Michael stepped in through the front door. But if this phone call was anything to go by, he sounded like he was in a well enough mood, if not a good one. And that made Lexa feel a little more hopeful that she would be able to end the night on a good note – or at least, go to bed not hurting.

He was back home at 8:03 pm and Lexa made sure to have dinner on the table by 8:21 pm, literally a minute before Michael came back downstairs after changing and getting freshened. She was proud of herself for that, Lexa hadn’t even known when exactly he would be returning home but she had still managed to get things done in time, and that too exactly how Michael would have expected from her too.

“So where did you go tonight?” Lexa asked as they ate, the portion on her plate strikingly smaller than the one on Michael’s.

“The shooting range.” He answered casually, not paying much attention to his wife but just the food.

Lexa froze momentarily, not particularly liking the sound of an activity that involved guns. She hadn’t even known that was something Michael was into, and Lexa would rather he was not spending his free time with firearms. “Like…a gun range?”

“Yeah, what else would it be?” The look Michael gave her was just shy of asking her something along the lines of ‘are you stupid, or something?’ “I wasn’t at an archery range, and I don’t think there’s much else you can shoot, Alexandria.”

“Yes, of course.” Lexa nodded, dismissing herself under her breath. “I didn’t know that was something you were into.”

“I didn’t either.” Michael answered as he took another bite of his chicken schnitzel. “It was Connor’s idea, he said he went over the weekend with his brother and wanted to take us because apparently, it was a lot of fun.”

“So did you and the other guys have a good time?”

Michael nodded, “Sterling liked it but Macallan ended up dropping the gun twice, shooting off into the wall behind us in the process somehow.” He sighed disapprovingly. “Swore he would never go back there,” Michael added with a chuckle, “But I had a great time, there is just something so empowering about firing a gun. It makes you feel invincible, and every time the bullet reaches the intended target, you feel like there’s nothing in this world you can not do.” He looked up at Lexa this time, asking her “Have you ever fired one?”

Lexa shook her head. “My dad has a shotgun and he has taught Roan how to shoot but I was never offered.” She answered. “Which is good because honestly, I never wanted to try it. The thought of holding something that can take a life is terrifying.”

“Probably for the best,” He agreed. “Women too unpredictable, you’re all run by emotions and hormones to be in control of something like that.”

She wouldn’t trust herself with a gun and partly agreed with what Michael said, at least in relation to herself. Lexa didn’t want to think about what she would do if she was given the opportunity to use one, didn’t think she could trust herself to not do something entirely too stupid out of the desperation and anger she felt. Not even just at Michael but the rest of the world too, there was so much pain and hurt everyone around her had caused, and maybe Michael was right, maybe Lexa was too consumed by her emotions to think clearly if given that power. Or maybe the feeling Michael described of feeling invincible would completely engulf her and lead to her doing something reckless and stupid.

Chapter Text

Lexa gasped for air as she fell back onto the floor with a thump, the pain radiating from her shoulder blades and up to her neck from the impact. But this pain paled in comparison to the way her lungs burned from having her breathing restricted for so long while Michael strangled her. He was moments away from leaving the house, heading off out of state for a few days, and it seemed like he felt it necessary to leave a mark to be remembered by. Lexa wasn’t sure what she did that led to it, she couldn’t remember saying anything out of turn, or being rude in any way; but before she knew it, Michael’s hands were around her throat, lifting her off of the floor.

Lexa was convinced she deserved it, knew for certain she must have said something rude or disrespectful, done something she wasn’t supposed to. She didn’t get much sleep last night, no more than a couple of hours before needing to get up and prepare breakfast for Michael so he could leave in time for his flight, which meant Lexa wasn’t at her sharpest this morning. Regardless, she had apologized, choking out sorrys and please stops but to no avail. He wasn’t quite angry, but rather looking for an excuse to get his frustrations out before hitting the road; Michael would need to be his charming self without the release his wife offered until Wednesday. He was going for a training seminar from work which it would put him in a good place for a raise even this early on in his career, and Lexa was more than happy that she was going to have a few days away from him.

Lexa’s saving grace came in the form of a phone notification, Michael’s phone beeping to let him know his Uber was here waiting. He pulled out his phone while he towered over, glancing at the notification before snarling at Lexa and startling her with a kick to her side. His shoe came in contact with the the side of her upper thigh, causing Lexa to yelp out of surprise; she was more than accustomed to the pain, it didn’t get audible responses from her anymore unless it was truly bad. Michael didn’t say anything else, scoffed as he turned around and left, walking away to the door while Lexa lay lying on the floor trying not to squirm.

She clutched at her chest and throat as the door shut behind him, the new pain from her leg creeping up to the side of her hip, merging with the aching on her back, and making her groan. There was going to be a bruise on her neck by the end of the day, another on her thigh, and Lexa knew for a fact that her entire back would be stiff too from the impact of falling onto the hardwood floor. So instead of getting up, Lexa laid on the floor for a long moment, looking up at the ceiling and taking some deep breaths. She didn’t have the strength to get up, it was only 7 am and Lexa’s entire body already hurt more than she cared to admit.

She was spending the next few days with Clarke, staying at her place while Michael was away. She could at least pretend for the time being that her life was okay, could pretend she went to bed every night next to someone she cared for and who cared for her, and woke up next to that person too. It wasn’t the truth, and it wasn’t her reality, Lexa knew it never could be no matter how much she wanted it to be, the only thing she could do was play house with Clarke the few times a year her husband was away. It was…pathetic, it felt entirely too pathetic to even think about, Lexa couldn’t spend more than a few moments thinking about where she was and where her life was headed without becoming overcome by frustration and the urge to burst out in tears.

“Hey,” Clarke started as they came apart from their kiss. They were both in her bed, Lexa on top of her, an eagerness and edge to her that Clarke hadn’t seen until today. Lexa came over only moments after Clarke returned home from work, not saying anything as the door opened before practically lunging for her across the threshold and clashing their lips together. Clarke didn’t question it, didn’t question her, only kissed back while leading her into the house. They didn’t speak, Clarke stumbling backward while kissing Lexa and holding onto her waist, the two of them somehow managing to make their way up the stairs and to the bedroom.

“Hmm?” Lexa looked up, their faces only inches apart, waiting for Clarke to continue.

“Do you…want to try something a little different today?” Clarke asked expectedly. Her and Lexa had talked about it a little while ago, talked about maybe adding toys to their sex life. Clarke brought it up uncertainly, not knowing how Lexa felt about it, she wasn’t the most experienced and Clarke would have understood any sort of apprehension. But instead, Lexa was very enthusiastic, wanting to explore more, and experience more, she trusted Clarke to try new things with even when her sexual experiences before her had been…less than enjoyable. So they spent some time talking about what sort of things Lexa would be open to trying, what Clarke liked, and they both came to the conclusion that they could try a strap-on the next time they got the chance to.

“Oh?” Lexa raised her eyebrows in anticipation, she had been waiting since their talk a few days ago.

“So I have two of these strapless strap-ons.” Clarke continued, hands resting on Lexa’s hips, looking up at her. “One is-”

“What do you mean strapless?” Lexa asked before Clarke could finish, head tilted slightly in confusion.

Clarke could only smile at the expression on her face, she looked adorable, and decided to reach for the nightstand instead of explaining. “Well, it doesn’t need a strap to stay in place.” She opened the drawer, needing to stretch a little so she wouldn’t have to move from her place on the bed. “See, it has two ends.” She brought out one of the toys, managing to grab the larger one without looking. “This end goes inside the wearer, me, and keeps it in place.” Clarke pointed at the slightly shorter but noticeably more bulbous end of it before continuing. “And this end is…for you.”

Lexa eyed the shaft Clarke indicated, it was longer and thicker than she anticipated, definitely more than she thought she would be able to take. “That looks…kind of big.” She responded nervously, not wanting to disappoint Clarke but feeling a little uneasy and uncomfortable with the thought of having that inside her.

“Oh yeah, this is the bigger one.” Clarke told her immediately. “I got a smaller one a little while ago and haven’t used it yet.” That was bought the day after she slept with Atom; not everyone could take the bigger one, especially if it was going to be used for pegging. So Clarke figured it was time she got herself a slimmer, shorter one which would give her stimulation too – unlike a regular strap-on. It hadn’t been used yet, she hadn’t been with anyone else after him; it was clear that her heart was in another place, with another person, so the toy sat at the back of her nightstand’s drawer, buried behind the ones which were more frequently used when…Clarke was alone. “Reach into the drawer, I think it’s right at the back.”

Lexa did as asked, leaning over her and looking for it. There were…a lot of toys in there, she had seen this drawer before but they hadn’t used anything from here yet save for a vibrator last week.  Eventually, she found the one she was looking for and grabbed it, bringing it out for Clarke to see. “This one?” She asked as she held it up for Clarke. It was considerably smaller than the other one, at least an inch shorter and a good bit slimmer too, and Lexa could feel the excitement rising within her chest again.

“Yes,” Clarke answered, setting the bigger one down on the bed next to her and turning her attention to the one Lexa was holding. “And don’t worry if you’re not sure about it, or don’t want to, there’s no pressure-”

“I want to.”

It wasn’t long from then before their clothes found their way onto the floor, strewn around them in messy piles, surrounding the bed as the two of them let their hands roam and lips explore. Clarke could feel the wetness between her legs as the seconds ticked by, the weight of Lexa on top of her, her lips against hers, her hands exploring and caressing every inch of Clarke’s skin she could reach. There was a hunger there, an eagerness, that made Clarke want to pick up the pace, flip her around onto the bed so she was on top and make Lexa cum until she couldn’t anymore. But she was enjoying this too, she was enjoying seeing Lexa on top, it was a nice change of pace and Lexa looked very good from this angle.

They came apart breathless from the kiss, still close enough for their noses to touch. Clarke was holding the toy in her left hand and reached up with the free one to take Lexa’s before wordlessly handing it over to her. “Do you want to put it in me?” She asked her quietly, finding Lexa’s eyes dark and hungry, nodding as she kissed her way down Clarke’s body.

Clarke watched her expectedly, legs parting to give Lexa access as she moved to sit between them. She let out a shaky breath as she felt Lexa’s hand on the inside of her thigh, moving up and towards her wet core. Clarke’s eyes followed the toy in Lexa’s hand, watching as it inched closer to her, felt the cool silicone against her slick-covered pussy. Lexa used her other hand to part her lips, relishing in the quiet low moan that left the other woman as she pressed Clarke’s end of the toy against her opening. She pushed it in slowly, taking her time and being gentle despite how wet Clarke was; she opened up around it easily, offering little resistance as the thicker and shorter end of the toy inched its way inside her.

The wearer’s end of the toy was the same size on this one as it was on the larger one, and Clarke seemed to forget every time just how wide it was. It had to be big enough to secure it in place, to keep it there while she thrust into her partner, but it was big, and she found herself looking up at the ceiling and taking a deep breath to accommodate the stretch of it. Lexa was taking her time with it, she was being gentle as it slowly slid inside her, and Clarke couldn’t help but let out a relieved grunt as she finally felt it pop in and her walls clenched around it, pulling it further inside and locking it in place.

“What do you want to do?” Clarke asked her, vibrating with impatience and anticipation at the sight of the toy protruding from between her legs. It had an almost instinctual reaction from her; the strapless toy was by far Clarke’s favorite, she was a top through and through, and this gave her an unmatched feeling of connection and pleasure in comparison to any other toy.

“I want to ride you.” Lexa stately quietly, voice low and laden with desire.

Clarke reached her hands out with a small nod, waiting as Lexa took them before gently pulling her back on top of her.

Lexa settled with her knees on either sides of Clarke’s hips, hands still holding onto Clarke’s with their fingers intertwined as she slowly lowered herself onto her. Clarke held her gaze as Lexa’s entrance finally made contact with the toy, watching the smallest shifts in the gray and green of her eyes, the twitch of her lips, and shaky intake of breath. Lexa went down slowly, the size of the toy comfortable and going in easily given how she was practically dripping wet by now. She clenched her jaws as her lips parted for the silicone shaft, the head of it very slowly disappearing inside her. That was the widest part and Lexa had to hold herself back from practically dropping down on it and taking the full length of it at once. She probably could, but she also wanted to savor the moment, wanted to ease it in, give herself the pleasure of feeling it fill her inch by inch, let herself feel good from being penetrated by something that wasn’t Clarke’s fingers for the first time.

“All good?” Clarke asked her quietly, Lexa had paused, about two-thirds of the way down.

“Yeah,” Lexa breathed out, “I just need a moment.”

“Take your time.” Clarke lowered their hands before letting go, Lexa placing her’s on Clarke’s chest and Clarke moving her’s to rest on Lexa’s hips. “There’s no rush.” She made small circles with her thumb over her skin, applying a little pressure to comfort and reassure her. “You’re doing so well baby.”

A small whine escaped Lexa at the praise, opening up further and finding herself moving down the length of the toy once again. Her breathing picked up, loud and raspy, conquering the last of it and relishing in the feeling of Clarke being completely inside her. “Oh my god.” Lexa gasped, fingers digging into the plushness of Clarke’s breasts, grounding herself from being overcome by the pleasure.

“How does it feel?” Clarke finally asked, Lexa’s eyes squeezed shut and mouth agape as she got used to the sensation inside her.

It took her a moment to answer, slowly opening her eyes and easing her grip on Clarke before being able to speak. “So good. You feel so good.” She started moving slowly, bringing herself up about halfway before lowering again. Clarke could feel every bit of the movements, the end inside her responding to Lexa, the lack of speed almost torturous. She wanted more, needed more of Lexa, but Clarke was enjoying it regardless, the buildup, the desperation for more, the almost-teasing pace that had her wanting to give Lexa a helpful nudge by moving her along the shaft. But she held off, hands still on her hips, watching her and letting Lexa take the reign.

Lexa increased her pace as she continued, faster and larger strokes, bringing herself up almost all the way before going back down on it. She was making good on her promise from earlier, riding Clarke with everything she had, bracing herself with her hands on her breasts, using it to keep herself upright as desire overtook her senses. Sounds of pleasure filled the room, Clarke able to feel every little movement of Lexa’s hips, the thicker end of it inside her repeatedly hitting her g-spot and drawing her closer and closer to the edge. Lexa would hazard a guess that this was the best she has ever felt with penetrative sex; she could focus on herself, focus on what felt good, there was no pressure to perform or do anything she was uncomfortable with because Lexa knew Clarke got off to her feeling good.

That was a conversation they had had early on in their relationship, Lexa asking if Clarke wanted her to…reciprocate what Clarke did to her. Lexa wasn’t all that sure in her abilities to top, and neither did she think she would enjoy it much, but Clarke made her feel good, and she wanted to do the same for her. That was when Clarke told her that she would rather not because Clarke preferred to top almost entirely exclusively, and that Lexa had nothing to worry about because she got more pleasure from getting her partner off than she would ever get from being on the receiving end. It took a lot of pressure off of Lexa; she was worried about making their sexual dynamic one sided and having Clarke feel unappreciated, so having that talk cleared up what they expected from each other and helped a lot.

“Fuck!” Clarke unexpectedly screamed out, not being able to keep it in any longer. Lexa had changed the movement of her hips, rolling it and grinding against Clarke rather than going up and down like she had been. It made the toy move further inside Clarke, touching parts it hadn’t until right now. “Don’t stop don’t stop don’t stop…” She couldn’t stop the words from spilling out, suddenly drastically close to orgasm with the way Lexa was grinding against her.

“Does that feel good?” Lexa asked with a smirk, an extra emphasis in the roll of her hips when Clarke nodded.

“If you keep that up, I’m going to cum Lexa.” Clarke’s mouth was dry, her chest heaving and grip on Lexa’s hips a little tighter. She bucked her hips into Lexa, earning a surprised gasp followed by a moan.

“I’m close.” Lexa responded, eyes wanting to close with the pleasure coursing through her.

One of Clarke’s hands let go of her hip, moving over to her core instead. “We’re going to cum together.” She sounded certain as her hand easily found Lexa’s clit, thumb brushing against it, making Lexa whine. “Keep going.”

Lexa did as asked, out of breath and overwhelmed with the pressure building inside her. She was covered in a sheen of sweat, physically exhausted now too with her hips and legs fatigued, but chasing the promise of an orgasm. She could see Clarke unravelling under her too with every shift of her hips, her thumb picking up its pace the closer she got, determined to make Lexa finish at the same time as her. Lexa’s movements grew relentless, toppling over the edge with Clarke’s thumb making very persistent and constant circles on her clit, and the feeling of the shaft inside her. Clarke came within moments of her, bucking her hips and trying to get as much sensation as possible to keep the momentum going. Lexa let out a cry as the orgasm got too much, barely keeping herself up but not wanting to stop.

Clarke fell slack as it finally passed, aftershocks making her body twitch as Lexa rode out the last ounce of energy she had and collapsed on top of Clarke. Lexa closed her eyes against Clarke’s chest, catching her breath and trying to bring herself down from the high. Clarke’s arms came up around her momentarily, kissing the top of her head and holding her close to her, also catching her own breath. The strap-on was still inside them both, and there was a certain sense of comfort in being completely blissed out and against each other while still being filled and connected like this. Lexa could feel her walls pulsing against the shaft, the orgasm now past but her body still catching up to it.

A long couple of minutes passed, the only sound in the room being their breathing before one of Clarke’s arms moved away. She reached the base of the toy, grabbing the curve of it and gently easing it out of them both. Lexa let out the smallest whine, the noise getting lost in the back of her throat at the change of sensation, not moving otherwise and hearing Clarke drop the toy on to the floor – on top of her shirt as to not get anything on the floor that is. “Was that good?” She asked knowingly, waiting for Lexa to respond.

It took a few seconds before Lexa brought herself up, hands on either sides of Clarke’s bodies. She pushed herself up, looking down at Clarke with a soft smile, “So-”

“What is that?” Clarke cut her off, expression changing to one of concern, suddenly not caring about anything other than the darkness she could see on Lexa’s throat.

“Oh it’s…” Lexa tried to brush it off, but Clarke was reaching to the side for the light switch. It was quite dark in the room, the curtains drawn and the only light coming from the floor lamp in the corner of the room and Clarke couldn’t see very well.

“Is that a bruise?” Clarke asked as the ceiling light came on, illuminating what she had been looking at.

“Don’t worry about it.” Lexa looked away from her, dropping her gaze to her chest instead as she felt Clarke brushing her fingers gingerly against the darkening skin.

“That looks like handprints.” Clarke furrowed her eyebrows as she made out the pattern of the bruise. “What did he do?”

“It’s nothing.” Lexa’s voice trembled as she tried again. “I’m fine.”

Clarke remained silent for a moment, cupping Lexa’s cheek and urging her to look back at her. “Hey,” She felt a stray tear roll down her cheek and onto her thumb, “Are you okay?” Clarke’s chest ached as she thought about what might have led to a bruise like that, and she wanted to kick herself for not seeing it sooner.

“I fucked up this morning.” Lexa forced out a smile, trying to push the tears back. “He got mad.”

“And what? Strangled you?” Clarke questioned out of disbelief, an emotion that could only be described as rage rising in her chest when Lexa nodded. “Lexa that is not okay.” But well, nothing Michael did was okay.

“It’s fine. It was my fault.” Lexa still wasn’t sure what she did but she knew that it was her fault, it had to have been because Michael rarely did anything that wasn’t justified. “But I’m okay.”

“Really?” Clarke questioned. “And what if you weren’t?” She asked. “What if he held on for a little longer or a little harder?” Her lips trembled as she asked, eyes burning with tears at the prospect of it. “What then, Lexa?”

Then it would end, and that would be a lot easier, Lexa left that thought unsaid, not wanting to concern Clarke any more than she already had. But she believed it, it would be easier if it ended, it Michael went a little too far one day, hit her too hard, it would mean she wouldn’t have to deal with any of it anymore.

Clarke looked between her eyes, waiting for a reply but receiving none. “I’m scared that’s going to happen one of these days.” She had been plagued by thoughts of that for a long time now, fearing the worst every time she thought about what might be going on behind the doors of the Thompson house. “That he’s going to hurt you a little too bad, hit you somewhere he shouldn’t, and…” She took in a shaky breath, tears escaping. “I’m going to lose you.”

She didn’t have it in her to speak, didn’t have anything to say that could be of any comfort to Clarke because Lexa too knew that was a very real possibility. So instead she lowered herself back down onto Clarke, tucking her head under her chin and closing her eyes to block out the thoughts that were creeping up. Clarke wrapped her arms around her immediately, kissing her head and letting her rest there against her.

“How long, Lexa?” Clarke asked uncertainly, voice shaky. “How much longer can you take this?”

Chapter Text

The feeling of waking up in Clarke’s bed was akin to nothing else Lexa had experienced before in her life. The brief time Lexa lived alone came close, but there was a certain sense of peace and tranquility that came with waking up in Clarke’s bed because the time before was always overshadowed by what, inevitably, was to come. It wasn’t like this then; back in college, it wasn’t her own space, it was the dorm room with different strangers every year as roommates because her parents wouldn’t let her move out of campus – even in her later years when most of her friends had gotten apartments. After graduation, Lexa only lived on her own for about nine months, the entire time knowing that it was going to be short-lived because of her husband-to-be.

Waking up next to Clarke, Lexa felt…at home. This wasn’t her home, Clarke wasn’t her partner, there were too many things in their way for their relationship to be what they wanted it. But when Lexa had opened her eyes, finding Clarke’s sleepy sapphires looking at her, she felt a sense of calm she hadn’t even the last time she stayed over. She got to sleep in with Clarke, wasn’t woken up by her alarm blaring, didn’t wake up to the burden and weight of her responsibilities and duties. No, she got to wake up on her own accord, next to someone who loved her, and cared for her, and made her feel safe. It was no short of perfect, she wanted to stay in this moment forever, bottle it up and live in it.

Being awake for a while now and having spent the hour in bed tangled in the sheets and each other, the two of them finally got up and dressed before finally leaving the bedroom to go to the kitchen. Well, they were just barely dressed, Clarke wearing a pair of white and navy blue stripped boxers and an undone button-down shirt, and Lexa in her panties and an oversized shirt she had dug out of Clarke’s dresser because it was soft and smelled like her. It took longer than they thought it would to get out of the bedroom, Clarke unable to keep her eyes – and hands – off of Lexa’s ass, watching the way even the loose t-shirt clung to it, and Lexa needing more self-control than she had to not want her hands constantly under the thin fabric of the open shirt that was just barely covering Clarke’s breasts.

They were in the kitchen now, Lexa sitting on the counter while Clarke went between her and the stove, cooking breakfast. This wasn’t the sort of mornings Lexa got to have, she couldn’t imagine her days starting like this, but as she sat here, listening to Clarke and laughing along with her, talking about nothing all that important, Lexa couldn’t help but want more. Clarke looked so beautiful in the morning, her hair still mussed from having woken up not long ago, the sunlight coming in from the window behind Lexa and making her eyes sparkle in a way she hadn’t seen before, and oh the open shirt was definitely a choice Lexa agreed with.

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked as she looked up from the pan in front of her, Lexa not having responded to her question of what toppings she liked on her pancakes.

“Hmm?” She had fallen silent for a second, her mind running back to thinking about how her reality differed from the life she really wanted, differed from what she had right now with Clarke. There was an aching in her chest as her thoughts wandered, having completely missed whatever Clarke had just said. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

She flipped the pancake waiting for her, then set the spatula down and turned the stove off before taking a step closer to Lexa. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Lexa tried to brush it off but the aching in her chest all too noticeable, a yearning for something she could never truly have.

Clarke sighed, coming to stand between Lexa’s legs, and placing her hands over her’s on the counter. “Talk to me, please.” She asked gently, “I know when something is wrong, baby.”

“I just…” Lexa looked up at Clarke, her jaw clicking as she did her best to contain her emotions and keep them from pouring out. “I wish this is what my mornings could be like.” She admitted uncertainly, not wanting to bring the mood down because they were having such a great morning up until now.

Clarke stroked the back of Lexa’s hand with her thumb, wanting to tell her that it could be, that this could be her life, that she could be happy. All she had to do was take that leap of faith, take Clarke’s hand and jump into the unknown, gather as much of her strength as she could, and make the decision to walk away. “It can be.”

But Lexa shook her head, “It can’t, you know that.”

“But maybe it can.” Clarke paused for a moment, “If you leave hi-”

“I can’t leave him, Clarke.”

“You can, you wouldn’t be alone.” Clarke argued, keeping her tone soft despite how badly she wanted to raise it, she wanted to scream and shout that Lexa had options now, that she could leave, that she could walk away and Clarke would be there for her and support her through it all. But that wouldn’t do any good. “I’ll be here, I’ll help you through it all.”

“Clarke I can’t.” Lexa told her as tears welled in her eyes. “If I even give him the slightest indication that I want to leave, he will kill me.”

Clarke let her head drop, she knew how scared Lexa was of him, knew that she was downright terrified of her family too. And well, it was for good reason, Clarke had seen the marks that were left on her by the people who were meant to love and care for her. “Babe…”

“And if he doesn’t succeed, my father surely will.” She pulled her hand away from Clarke’s, wiping the tears that were spilling from her eyes. That wasn’t even an exaggeration, there were marks on her body that would be there forever, scars that still acted up when she stretched or when the weather was bad. The deeper ones on her back still sent tiny tinges of sharp pain every now and then, the same ones that Michael would cringe at when he accidentally touched them. “I don’t have a way out, Clarke”

“Maybe we can find a way out,” Clarke suggested.

Lexa shook her head again. “I’m sorry.” The tears continued to roll down her cheeks, Lexa now having given up trying to wipe them, and instead pushing Clarke away and hopping off the counter to leave. “I’m sorry I can’t give you all of me.”

“No, no, Lexa.” Clarke could feel her heart breaking as she listened to Lexa. “This is not about me.” She grabbed her wrist, stopping her from leaving the kitchen. “This is about you.” Lexa wanted the same things Clarke did, she knew Lexa would leave in a heartbeat if she could, if she knew she wouldn’t have to fear for her life in doing so. “This is about your life, and your safety, and your happiness.”

Lexa couldn’t look away from Clarke’s gaze despite wanting to run away. Instead, she stood in front of her, lips quivering and wanting to say she wanted to stay with Clarke, wanted to stay here, wanted to leave Michael, and have the life she truly desired. Clarke stood still for a moment, watching her before pulling her by the hand closer to her. She wrapped her arms around Lexa, holding her close to her and feeling the other woman melt into the embrace. Clarke tightened her arms when she felt Lexa shudder and tremble against her, closing her eyes as she tried to comfort her.

“I’m sorry I can’t give you more.” Lexa whispered as she closed her eyes, resting her head against Clarke’s chest.

“No, no.” Clarke stopped her. “You give me more than enough.” She wanted more, she wanted more of their relationship and more of Lexa. But she didn’t want more from Lexa, she didn’t want her to give her anything, Clarke just wished the two of them could have what they both wanted, that they could have a relationship they didn’t have to hide, and be free to love one another. “I just want you to be happy.” Clarke kissed the top of her head, “And safe.” That was her main priority though, even their relationship fell on the backburner when it came to Lexa’s safety. Clarke wanted nothing more than to make sure she would be safe; she would give anything to be able to guarantee that Lexa would be safe.

“I get that with you.” Lexa muttered quietly, not ready to leave her arms just yet.

“That’s not enough.” Clarke shook her head, pulling away slightly so she could look Lexa in the eye. “You don’t go home to that, I never know what state you’re going to be in the next time I see you.” She searched her eyes for some sort of response, almost hoping for Lexa to say something to reassure her. “And I’m scared, Lexa. I’m scared one day it will go a little too far and-” Clarke stopped herself with a sigh, leaving the rest of the thought unsaid. “I can’t lose you.”

Lexa sighed, clumsily closing the distance between their bodies and falling back against Clarke. It came unexpectedly, and Clarke had to step back with one foot to keep her balance. Lexa knew that was a possibility, knew it was more than realistic to worry about something unspeakable happening to her. She worried about herself too, sometimes when Michael got a little too angry or worked up, when a punch landed too hard, or a strike hurt more than Lexa thought her body should be able to handle. “It is what it is, Clarke.”

“I promise it won’t always be like this.” Clarke tried again. “I know I say that a lot, and I haven’t really done much to make that a reality, but Lexa I promise I will.” She thought about what she wanted to say, not sure if this would push Lexa away. But it needed to be said, “But I need you to do something for me too, okay? I need you to tell me when you’re ready for that, I know you don’t think you can leave, and there are so many things holding you back, I know. But baby I can’t come up with a plan if I don’t know where you stand on it, tell me how far you’re ready to go and I will take it from there.”

Lexa took in a shaky breath, knowing deep in her heart that Clarke was right. It did come down to her, she would need to be ready to leave before anyone could do anything about it. As impossible as the prospect of leaving was, Clarke did make it seem like it was something she could have, not right now, and not anytime soon either, but maybe someday. “You’re right.” Lexa replied to Clarke’s surprise. “Maybe I can leave, maybe one day I can walk away from it all.”

“You can.”

“But not right now, okay?” Lexa brought herself away from her, looking at Clarke with bloodshot eyes. “Someday, I don’t know when and I know it’s not fair to ask you to wait until-”

“I’d wait an eternity.” Clarke smiled at her, soft and gentle before bringing her hand up to cup her cheek. “As long as I can have you in my life, I can wait as long as you need.” She felt a tear escape and roll over her thumb, this was a big step for her, for Lexa to finally agree that she could leave, walk away, and have the life she wanted. “But we will get you out of there.” Not right now of course, and Clarke understood that, up until now Lexa wouldn’t even entertain the idea of leaving, but now to say that she could, to say that she could imagine a future where she could be with her and walk away from Michael and her family, it was a very big step.

“Okay, okay.” Clarke set her clue sheet face down on the coffee table. “I think I’m ready to make my accusation.”

Clarke was over at Lexa and Michael’s tonight; Michael had been asking to invite her over, wanting to spend some more time with Lexa’s friend, get to know her better. This wasn’t the first time they were hanging out since the dinner party with Michael’s friends, Clarke had been over a few times since then, the three of them had also gone out for dinner a couple of times. She was over for dinner tonight, Lexa cooking up an amazing meal – that Clarke noticed she barely ate – and now the three of them were in the living room for an impromptu game night. To her surprise, Lexa and Michael seemed to have a larger-than-average collection of board games, especially considering they didn’t have any children – yet, but that was not a thought Clarke wanted to entertain right now.

They were playing Cluedo; Michael, playing as Colonel Mustard, sitting in the armchair with Clarke and Lexa as Mrs. Peacock and Miss Scarlett on the couch next to it. She hadn’t narrowed it down to completely, but Clarke was ready to take the leap and make an educated guess. It had been a fun night so far, if Clarke didn’t know what Michael was like in private, she would have actually really liked him and been happy for Lexa. He was nothing but charming, a great host, a good laugh, he made Clarke feel welcome and at home the moment she stepped inside their home. The scariest thing was that all of this felt genuine too, it wasn’t a front Michael put up for Clarke, he wasn’t trying to not be the monster he was behind closed doors, no, this was him as much as it was when he was beating his wife in the privacy of their home.

“Okay,” Michael nodded, leaning back in his seat, holding his cards to his chest and from the prying eyes of his wife and their friend. “Let’s hear it.”

“So I think,” Clarke reached to the board, picking up one of the game pieces. “It was Mrs. White, in the Kitchen,” She placed in the spot on the board, searching for the weapon with her eyes before spotting it. “With the Rope.”

Lexa nodded, reaching for the envelope in the center of the board, about to reveal the answer.

“I know this isn’t in the rules, but…” Michael stopped Lexa, looking between the two women. “Can I make a counter-accusation?”

“Oooh okay, let’s hear it.” Clarke’s eyes lit up at the small competition.

“Right, so I think,” Michael reached for the board, picking up a character and a weapon piece, then taking it to the room. “It was Peacock in the Kitchen,” He set the blue figurine down on the board. “With the Knife.”

Lexa nodded thoughtfully, “Let’s find out, shall we?” The two of them watched her expectedly, waiting as she pulled the cards out of the little envelope. Michael couldn’t see the cards as he was sitting opposite her, but they were in clear view of Clarke, so Lexa could only hope that the cards would either be in Michael’s favor or neither of theirs. She didn’t want to know what would entail after Clarke left if Lexa said he lost over Clarke. “It was Peacock.” Lexa started, clearly lying over the card that had Mrs. White’s name on it. “In the Kitchen, with a Knife.”

“Yes!” Michael threw a fist up in the air triumphantly, Lexa taking the distraction as an opportunity to pick up his cards and taking Clarke’s to shuffle the deck. “I’m sorry Clarke, but you got one right.”

“That’s too bad.” Clarke shook her head with a smile, “But oh well, that was a good game.”

“Another round?” He asked while Lexa shuffled the cards, resetting the board as the others nodded at him. “Great.”

“Why don’t I get us another round of drinks?” Lexa asked, setting the pile of cards down and waiting for her husband’s confirmation.

“Maybe a refill on the snacks too, Alexandria?” Michael asked as she stood up, picking up the tray on the side table next to the main coffee table.

“I have some chicken wings in the air fryer, they should be done now.” She smiled at him politely, stepping away. “And I’ll refill the chips and dip too, honey.”

“I’ll give you a hand.” Clarke sprung up to her feet, following Lexa out of the living room and to the kitchen.

They made their way into the kitchen in silence, the door closing behind them with Clarke on Lexa’s heels. She stopped at the counter next to the refrigerator, setting the tray of used glasses and half-empty snack bowls down. Clarke had been here enough times to know where things were kept, and she didn’t have to be told as she opened the dishwasher and picked up the glasses to put them in. They went about in silence, Clarke opening one of the cupboards to retrieve the bag of chips and refill the bowl, and Lexa going to the fridge to get the dips and pitcher of drinks. She had made a couple of jugs of cocktails for the night, a strawberry vodka lemonade, and a watermelon prosecco spritzer, both of which were a big hit.

“That watermelon spritzer?” Clarke started as Lexa filled one of the smaller jugs from the large pitcher. “To die for. I need the recipe.”

“And I will send it to you,” Lexa replied, standing with her back against the counter and Clarke now right in front of her. “I hope it will make up for me throwing the game against you.”

Clarke waved her hand, brushing it off, she wouldn’t hold it against Lexa because she knew what Michael was like. And Clarke would rather lose a game if it meant Lexa could keep him happy. “Don’t even worry about it. I will just take pride in knowing I was right.” She leaned in with a smile, wanting to steal a kiss before they had to return to the living room.

Lexa smiled as their lips met, a quick and chaste kiss, before stepping away from one another to grab the rest of the snacks and return.

Between another game of Cluedo and one game of The Game of Life, the snacks bowls were empty and the drinks pitchers dry. It was a little past midnight now, Clarke just a little buzzed and planning on taking an Uber back to her house instead of getting behind the wheel of her car; she didn’t drive down for this exact reason, knowing she would have a couple of drinks and didn’t want to have to withhold because she would need to drive back. She liked spending this time with Lexa, it could be made better with Michael not being here but she would take what she could get, and getting to spend the better part of a night with her was a win in her book.

“We should make this a regular thing.” Michael said as they got up, following Clarke to the front door to say goodbye.

“We should, this was a lot of fun.” Clarke settled, standing by the door.

“Every other Saturday night?” Lexa offered. “Dinner and game night?”

“Only if we alternate on who’s hosting.” Clarke retorted. “It won’t be fair to have you guys do it all the time.”

“That sounds fair.” Michael responded as Clarke opened the door to leave. “So your place next time?”

“Yes,” Clarke nodded, taking a step back. “Thank you again for tonight, I had a great time.”

Chapter Text

Lexa wasn’t a fan of Michael’s growing interest in his new hobby, she much rather preferred when the weekends were spent fishing with his friends instead of at the shooting range or out hunting. He spent days after work at the shooting range, there were gun magazines in the house, and he talked more about his hunting trips than Lexa was comfortable listening to. Michael didn’t own a firearm though, he was still renting them at the range or using one of his friends’ ones. He had been talking about getting one for himself because he didn’t like having to rent the ones at the range or hunting club, saying most of them were of subpar quality and if anything, they were a safety risk.

So she should have been expecting it, should have known he would tell her he was looking to buy one sometime soon. He didn’t make big purchases without informing Lexa of them, Michael wouldn’t ask for her permission or consult her on it, but he would tell her about it before he spent the money. But financially, they were doing well – he was doing really well – so they didn’t need to think too much before spending money on something they needed or wanted. More often than not, it was what for Michael, Lexa’s needs fell on the back burner and she was rather good at making everyone forget she had any needs or desires.

What Lexa wasn’t expecting though, was for him to come home tonight with a nondescript bag after telling her only this morning that he was looking into buying a gun. She didn’t assume right away what it was, just thinking it was nothing more than the jug of milk and carton of eggs she had asked him to get. It was only when he sat down on the living room couch and took a box out of the bag that Lexa realized what it truly was.

“Is that a gun?” Lexa asked, standing a couple of feet away from him, she had been in the middle of preparing for dinner when he returned home.

“Yeah,” Michael nodded, an excited look on his face, eyes lit up like a child on Christmas morning. “I told you last night, right?”

Lexa nodded with a polite smile, he only mentioned it. He didn’t actually tell her he was going to buy it today, only that he was planning on it eventually. But she decided to keep that unsaid, not wanting to say anything to upset or anger him when he was clearly in such a good mood. She wasn’t thrilled about the idea of having a firearm in the house, Lexa grew up with guns in the house, her dad owned multiple and so did her brother as he got older. But Titus was incredibly serious about safety, all the guns were kept in a locked cabinet, the bullets in a separate locked box in the drawer of his study. No, it still wasn’t enough to make her feel safe around them because there was also a shotgun by the front door, both her parents saying it was there for protection.

“Come sit,” He asked Lexa to join him on the couch, setting the white cardboard box on the coffee table with a maroon emblem on it. “I had my eye on the Rugger LCP Max for a while but it was a little above my price range.” Michael said as he opened the box, picking out the contents one by one. “But Triggernometry has a clearance sale at the moment, and it was down to under four hundred bucks.” He set the rest of the contents of the box down on the table, now looking at the only thing that was left, the gun itself.

It was smaller than Lexa anticipated and the size put her a little more at ease. If it wasn’t a deadly weapon, she would even hazard calling it cute. “You’re really getting into shooting, huh?”

“Yeah,” Michael nodded. “I don’t know why it took me so long to seriously give it a go.” He picked up the gun, studying it. “It’s beautiful,” Michael wrapped his hand around the grip, index finger over the trigger as he brought it up. Lexa didn’t know how to use a gun, he knew that much, and he wanted to keep it that way too; as he mentioned before, he didn’t think women were capable of handling something as powerful as a firearm, and Lexa was fine with that, she had no interest in even picking up a gun. “Look at that,” He pointed it at Lexa, looking at her past the sight of it. The gun wasn’t loaded, it didn’t even have the magazine in it, he was just feeling it in his hands.

Lexa turned her eyes away, suddenly tensed and rigid at having a gun pointed her. Yes, it wasn’t loaded, but that didn’t stop the way the chill ran up her veins, fear and anxiety overwhelming her to the point of trembling.

“Calm down, it’s not loaded.” He told her, scoffing at the clearly uncomfortable look on his wife’s face. Her eyes followed his finger on the trigger, watching as he slowly squeezed it, and couldn’t help but flinch when he fully pulled it. The gun didn’t do much more than make a click, and Michael laughed in Lexa’s face at her almost jumping off of her seat. “God, women are so sensitive, I don’t even have the magazine in the gun yet, let alone bullets.”

Lexa forced out a smile, Michael finally lowering the gun and Lexa taking it as her chance to leave and return to the kitchen. “I’m going to go back to making dinner.” She waited for her husband’s permission, a small nod, still looking happy with his new toy and pleased at the way he could make Lexa uncomfortable so easily.

“Take a joke, honey.” Michael said as she made her way to leave the living room. “I wouldn’t point a loaded gun at you.” He laughed as he said it, he was in a really good mood tonight, and Lexa wanted to keep it that way. “Who’d make my dinner for me if you weren’t here?” Lexa returned a huff of laugh as she left, Michael proud of the joke he just made and Lexa wanting to encourage it rather than make him think she took it personally.

But it was true. The only value her life had was what she brought to other people. With her parents, it was what she could do for them; keep the family’s good name, their reputation, she was a trophy to show off to everyone else, to show the thing they created, she was not her own person. For Michael, she was his property; she made his dinner, did the grocery shopping, cleaned the house, did the laundry. And she had to be there whenever he needed something more, when he needed a release and intimacy, she was always there for whatever he needed. So Lexa knew, to everyone in her life, she was nothing more than an object they owned. Well, everyone other than Clarke. She was the only one who made Lexa feel like an actual human being, the only one who made her feel her worth greatly surpassed what she could do forher. Clarke never asked anything from her, never needed Lexa to do anything she didn’t want to, didn’t make Lexa feel like her love and affection were conditionally tied to what service she could provide.

Love, god, Lexa didn’t even know what that word meant. She was so scared to attach it to Clarke, so scared to say it to her because that would make everything that much harder. She did love her, it was the first time she truly understood what it meant, understood what it could mean. Her whole life, Lexa was told love was conditional and transactional, that she had to give something worthy to get affection in return. She knew love to be something that came in closed fists and open-handed slaps and harsh words, knew love to be nothing other than that. And Lexa was content with that, had made peace with believing that’s all love could be for her.

But then Clarke came along, turning her world and beliefs upside down. Clarke who talked to her with kindness, touched her with a gentleness she never experienced before, and made her feel like her soul was on fire.

Lexa sat on the chair at the breakfast table in the kitchen, a bag of frozen tater tots pressed to the side of her face. She didn’t even remember when she bought them, the bag lost at the back of the freezer, out of sight and out of mind because Lexa regretted even buying them knowing those were the last things she needed to be putting in her body. It was one of the few things from her childhood that she remembered fondly, the nights she was hungry because her mother decided her daughter didn’t need to be fed and all Lexa could do was open the freezer and make herself a bowl of tater tots with a makeshift honey mustard. It was some of the first memories of needing to take care of herself when the people who should have didn’t. The feeling of that first bite of hot and crispy potatoes drowned in yellow mustard and honey when she hadn’t eaten all day wasn’t a feeling she would ever forget. It made her smile, made her happy when she was a child and that was what she was thinking about when she saw it at the supermarket.

Great start to twenty-four, Lexa thought to herself as she sat there, the side of her face around – and including – her left eye hot and throbbing. It was her birthday today, the first morning of her twenty-forth year being a punch to her eye and her husband spitting on her face before walking out the door. No, he didn’t remember it was today, for him it was just another day; and well, it was for Lexa too, she was never too fond of her birthdays, after her sixth, she had accepted there wouldn’t be a celebration that went past being wished a happy birthday. There were no birthday parties, no big presents, no celebratory dinners; Roan got them, she saw the birthday parties in the backyard with his friends for as long as she could remember. But Lexa would be lucky if she got a stack of pancakes in the morning or a cupcake after dinner with a candle in it and a birthday card from her parents.

She angrily wiped away the tear that escaped, a lump in her throat keeping a frustrated sob from coming out. Lexa was tired and exhausted and the fact that it was her birthday only made her feel that much more depressed. Twenty-four shouldn’t feel old, she shouldn’t feel like she was at the end of her rope when she had only spent a little over two decades on this planet. The people she saw on TV and in movies who were supposed to be her age looked so free and young, Lexa didn’t feel like that, didn’t feel anything close to it. Everything around her told her these were supposed to be the most important years of her life, the years where she found herself and found her place in this world, a time where she got to try new things and make memories. But…here she was, icing a black eye because of her husband with a bag of frozen snacks she felt too guilty to eat.

The phone buzzed from the kitchen counter on the other side of the kitchen, Lexa’s eyes turning immediately towards it. It died last night and she didn’t get the chance to charge it, plugging it in only after Michael left. She was waiting for it to turn back on, but Lexa was in no rush for it because she knew there was no one but one person who would try to get a hold of her. And that person also knew if there wasn’t a reply, it was either because Lexa was busy or because her phone was switched off. Lexa tended to turn it off most nights, she had found that Michael used the sounds from notifications as another excuse to get mad at her, telling her it was annoying and irritating.

Getting off her seat and walking up to the phone, Lexa could see a text waiting for her; a message from Clarke, she realized upon unlocking it. The timestamp read 12:05 am, a birthday wish that made her smile because Lexa hadn’t expected Clarke to remember it was today. It was a short text, only saying happy birthday and that Clarke wished she could be telling her in person, ending it with a request to Lexa to give her a call when she got the chance. She took in a shaky breath, steadying her nerves as she tapped through her screen to call Clarke, Lexa wasn’t feeling her best right now and she knew Clarke would be able to tell if there was even the smallest indication of it in her voice. She didn’t want to worry her, there was nothing Clarke could do and besides, Lexa had dealt with a lot worse, if anything, today had started better than many others.

Clarke rubbed her eyes as she stared at the computer screen in front of her, catching up on a few emails she had received over the past forty-eight hours when she wasn’t in the office. She loved the days she got to spend traveling around town meeting potential buyers or donors, and the time she got to spend on the museum floor or even behind the scenes with the artwork that were either being repaired or waiting to be put out. But that meant falling behind on the paperwork and administrative work that came with running a museum. It wasn’t too bad though, a small town with a small museum meant it was more than manageable for Clarke to keep a handle on things – even when she took days off, it was never dreadful returning to work because there was only so much that could happen.

It was still early, she had only gotten in about half an hour ago but Clarke had a late night so she was fighting to keep her eyes open. She reached for her savior this morning, the mug of coffee sitting on her desk next to her monitor, and picked it up. But Clarke grimaced and nearly spat it back out into the mug the moment the liquid touched her lips, it had gone cold, and she wasn’t sure if she had the energy to make herself another cup or just be lazy and microwave this one hoping for the best. It wouldn’t be the first time, and if you asked Clarke, she barely tasted a difference in taste when she reheated her coffee.

Mind made up to spend thirty seconds in the staff room rather than a couple of minutes waiting for a fresh pot to brew, Clarke grabbed her mug and pushed her chair back, about to get up. But the phone ringing from next to her made her stop, and she couldn’t help the way her face lit up at the name and photo on the screen. Letting the mug all but drop back onto the surface of the desk, Clarke picked up her phone, answering as she held it to her ear.

“Happy birthday!” She greeted as the line connected, voice cheerful and happy, only hoping Lexa had a good start to her day.

“Thank you,” Lexa responded from the other end, voice quieter and more muted than Clarke’s.

“How is the birthday girl?” She asked jokingly, not waiting for a response before asking again, “How old is she today?”

“Twenty-four.”

Clarke’s smile fell away instantly, feeling her heart had dropped down to the pit of her stomach. It was a surprise she didn’t know how old exactly Lexa was until now, all she knew was that Lexa was around her age from her mom and from, well, meeting her. But Clarke had expected her to be older than her, not younger; okay, younger by a year and a half, it was still not what she had expected. It suddenly made her situation with Michael seem worse, more desolate. She was only twenty-four which meant she was twenty-three when they got married, and Lexa already had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She shouldn’t be stuck at home under the control of a cruel and abusive husband, she shouldn’t be thinking about children and being a wife and dealing with any of what she was. Lexa should be out living her life, finding herself and learning more about who she is. She was so young, she shouldn’t already be stuck in a life like this.

“Clarke?” Lexa asked into the silence after a couple of long seconds. “Are you still there?”

“Hmm?” Clarke shook her head, trying to shake the thoughts away. “Yeah, yeah, I’m still here.” She did her best to not let it show in her show, not let show how this new discovery had her feeling even worse for Lexa’s situation. “How was your morning? Any plans for today?”

Lexa couldn’t help the disappointed sigh that Clarke heard at the question, not wanting to tell her about her morning. “No plans,” She ignored the first question. “I don’t think Michael remembers it’s my birthday today, so it’s just another day at the house.”

“What? No,” Clarke shook her head, with everything he did, the least Michael could do was remember his wife’s birthday and maybe buy her some flowers. “I’m sorry I’m so busy today, or I would take you out.”

“No, no, you don’t have to apologize, it’s a Friday, you have work.” Lexa stopped her immediately. “I’m seeing you on Sunday, right?” Michael had made plans at the start of the week to go out after church, so Clarke was taking Lexa out then to celebrate her birthday.

“Yes,” Clarke nodded. “I plan on giving you a birthday you won’t forget, so I have the whole day planned out.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

Lexa took in a shaky breath as she stood at Clarke’s doorstep; they were going out today, Clarke wanted to show her a good time and celebrate her birthday so she had made plans. But it hadn’t been a good day so far, so far from it; she had an awful night with Michael that led to him bringing up children again, only to tell her that he was thinking about how he wanted more, the morning itself went fine, but Lexa ended up getting a beating before he left to go have fun with his friends. So right now, she wasn’t feeling like going out or doing much of anything that didn’t involve staying in bed under the comfort and safety of her duvet. But she didn’t want to disappoint Clarke, they got so few days together as it was.

The door opened moments after she rang the bell, Catra scampering out and Clarke not wasting a moment to grab her by the wrist and pull her into the house upon seeing the new marks on her face. She could see the blood under the skin where Michael had struck her, not a bruise yet but rather an angry and dark blush on her right cheek and left temple. She didn’t have to ask what had happened, didn’t have to ask if Lexa was alright, Clarke had seen her like this more than enough times to know how common it was. So instead she led her into the living room and sat her down on the couch, kneeling in front of Lexa herself to try and catch her eyes because Lexa looked almost too scared to meet her gaze.

“Do you want me to get you some ice?” Clarke asked gently, hands on Lexa’s knees.

Lexa shook her head, hair falling over her face as she looked down at her lap to keep her eyes away from Clarke. One of Michael’s blows had hit her eye, his movement too fast for her body to react by closing it in an attempt to protect her eye; although it didn’t feel as direct as the one from a couple of days ago did, Lexa noticed a burst of red spreading in the white of her left eye and wasn’t sure how Clarke would react to seeing it. It didn’t spread enough for her to detect until a good while after Michael left, but there was no sharp pain or problems to her visions so Lexa didn’t think it to be too serious. Especially after a quick Google search which confirmed it, telling her that it should go away on its own in a couple of weeks, and if it doesn’t – or if there is pain or some of the other symptoms listed – to see a doctor.

“Are you okay, baby?” Clarke quietly asked, waiting patiently, giving her a little more time.

“Can we just stay in today?” Lexa asked uncertainly, voice trembling as she finally looked up, scared that Clarke would get upset and angry at her for it. “I’m really sorry, I know you have the whole day planned for us but-”