Work Text:
March 2016
Amanda had been against Carisi going undercover in the Spuyten Duyvil Shelter since the second it was first suggested - she knew it would be rough on him, and each time she’d seen him since she’d been proved right. But Liv wouldn’t pull him out unless he asked, and Carisi was too stubborn to admit defeat.
Even after he’d taken a beaten from Tom Nomaks and his sons he still refused to quit, insisting he was getting somewhere. He wouldn’t even assuage Amanda’s worries by going to the ER, in spite of the fact that he was clearly in pain. So he walked back out of the precinct, back to the shelter to make nice with the creeps and perverts, a target still on his back.
And Amanda worried - more than she’d have expected to. But Carisi was her partner now, she felt responsibility for him - and more than that, he was her friend - probably the closest friend she had. It wasn’t like she could call to check up on him, so instead she threw herself into work, into solving this case before something worse than a beat down happened to Carisi.
She knew he wasn’t going to give in until the case was wrapped up, but the second they were done with Thomas Zimmerman and Liv had sent them home for the day Amanda grabbed Carisi’s bicep, “Come on, we’re going to the ER.”
“What?” Carisi made a half-hearted attempt to pull his arm away, “Nah, Rollins, I told you I’m good-”
“You’ve been holding your side again,” Amanda said, “You should’ve been checked out days ago.”
She might not have been a mother for very long, but she’d been a detective long enough to perfect a look that brokered no arguments, and Carisi sighed as he followed her to the elevator, “Fine, but you’re buyin’ me a beer when they say it’s just a bruise.”
Amanda chewed on her thumbnail outside a cubicle waiting for an update - Carisi had been taken for a scan shortly after they arrived and the doctors hadn’t let her through. He had spent the whole drive over protesting that he was fine, but she hadn’t missed the way he’d bit his lip when he’d twisted to buckle his seatbelt, and though she’d adverted her eyes when the nurse asked him to lift his shirt, she hadn’t been quite quick enough to miss the deep purple bruising spanning across his right side.
It felt like an age before the curtain was drawn back, but when it was Amanda stepped into the cubicle as the doctor stepped out. Carisi was sat up on the bed; he was no longer grimacing in pain but the IV drip he was hooked up to likely had something to do with that.
“Don’t say I told ya so,” Carisi said as she approached, catching her eye.
Amanda frowned, “Well, I did,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. “Are you-”
“Couple of cracked ribs,” he shrugged, then winced at the movement, “I’ll be-”
“If you say ‘fine’,” Amanda started, but Carisi held up a hand in her direction, cutting her off.
“If I say you were right will you stop?”
“Carisi,” she sighed, “I was just looking out. I’ve been worried about you this week - you know how much I’d hate having to deal with another new partner?”
“Thanks Rollins,” he smiled, “Guess I owe you a beer now, huh?”
January 2017
Sonny heard the gun fire, but the oblivion he’d been expecting didn’t come.
“You’re alright,” Liv’s voice cut through the pounding in his head as he came back to reality, blood spattered across his face and every bit of him shaking. Liv’s hand brushed against his arm briefly on her way to check on Quinn, and it was enough to get him moving, to allow him to lurch forward and push Tom Cole’s gun away from his lifeless hand.
Sonny collapsed against a ladder, turning to catch Liv’s eyes so they could silently assure one another that it was over even as his heart hammered beneath his ribcage.
It was the noise that brought him to his feet - not the sounds of Liv soothing Quinn, but the wail of approaching sirens, the slamming of car doors and the thundering of footsteps. He stood, stepping away from Cole’s body without glancing in his direction, and pushed through the plastic sheeting, his voice coming out strained as he yelled, “Up here.”
He had a white knuckle grip on the banister while he waited for those footsteps to make their way through the house, and he took his first steadying breath when Rollins’ hand curled around his bicep and she ducked her head to meet his lowered gaze, “Keep breathing,” she said softly.
“I’m-”
“It’s okay,” Rollins kept her eyes on his, and he matched her breath for breath, “Let’s get you cleaned up, yeah?”
Fin overtook them, state police officers close behind him, checking on Liv and Quinn and securing the scene as Rollins steered him back down the staircase, “You’re not hurt?” she said as they stepped out into the cool air.
Sonny shook his head, “It’s all Cole’s.”
She steered him away from the waiting ambulance, instead leading him towards an empty squad car. A moment of peace to gather himself and wipe away the blood.
Sonny was only home ten minutes before there was a knock on his apartment door; he glanced through the peephole, surprised when he saw Rollins on the other side.
“Hey,” he said as he opened the door, “What are you doin’ here?”
“What d’you think?” she said, stepping past him into the apartment, “I’m making sure you’re alright.”
“You didn’t have t’do that,” he murmured, closing the door behind her, “I’m-”
Rollins shook her head, “Don’t lie to me,” she said, “I’m your partner, remember?”
Sonny sighed, leaning against his kitchen counter. Truth was he wasn’t fine - he’d showered at the precinct but he could still feel Cole’s blood on his skin, and the cool press of a gun barrel against his forehead, and every time he thought about it his breath began to stutter, nausea creeping in his stomach.
He pushed away from the counter, turning to pull a bottle of whiskey and two glasses from the cupboard, “Okay,” he said as he poured them each a measure, “But I don’t think there’s anythin’ to say.”
“We don’t have to talk about today,” Rollins said, accepting the glass he handed her.
And they hadn’t. Not at first, anyway. He’d asked if she didn’t need to rush back for Jesse, and when she told him that she didn’t they’d talked a little about her; Sonny would need to stop by and see her soon - she was growing fast and the stories Rollins told brought a smile to his face. They talked about nothing much through the first few drinks, but when he poured the fourth she gripped at his forearm, squeezing gently, and without her saying anything else the words poured out of him - that fear, that moment he thought his life was about to end, the relief and the horror. It spilled out between them, and her hand curled gently around his wrist, before she swiftly changed the subject, letting him rest his thoughts there in the open, just as much as he was willing.
He didn’t know how late it was when Rollins said goodbye, telling him to get some rest, to call if he needed her - all he knew was when he dropped back against his pillows the weight of the gun on his forehead wasn’t quite so heavy, his heart rate a little less accelerated.
Sonny showed up at work the next day as though nothing had happened, and other than a brief squeeze to his shoulder from Rollins, everyone else was acting like it too.
Until Liv called him into her office a couple of hours into his shift.
He ducked his head around the door with a casual, “Everything alright, Lieutenant?”
“You tell me, Carisi,” Liv said softly, gesturing for him to take a seat, “How are you doing?”
“I- I’m,” he raised a hand, waving off her concern as he walked into the office, pushing the door shut behind him but not taking the offered seat. “I’m good.”
“We should have had this conversation yesterday,” she said, “In the aftermath things got away from me, but Carisi, Cole had a gun pointed at your head.”
“I know,” he nodded. Of course he knew.
Liv levelled him a stare he couldn’t blink his way out of, “I want you to see the department psychiatrist.”
“Lieu, I told you I’m-”
“That’s an order, Detective,” Liv said firmly, before a soft smile returned to her face, “Did you get any sleep last night?”
“Yeah,” he answered honestly, “I… Rollins came by, we- we talked.” He left out the fact that most of their conversation had had nothing to do with Tom Cole, or any case they’d worked… he also kept the five whiskeys that had probably knocked him out better than any amount of conversation could have to himself, too. “And I’m grateful that you-”
“You should never have been in there alone, Carisi,” Liv said, shouldering the blame herself, just like he’d known she would.
“It all worked out in the end,” he insisted.
He made it through the one mandatory session with the department psychiatrist before he went back to handling things his own way - prayer and hope and sheer determination, and the knowledge that there was a gentle hand and half a bottle of whiskey waiting for him should he need it.
April 2018
When Amanda arrived at the scene she felt sick. The call had come straight to SVU - a crash involving one of their detectives and a victim, so she knew it probably wouldn’t be pretty, but when she saw what was left of the car her blood ran cold.
She found Carisi quickly; he was turning to look over his shoulder while an EMT tried to coax him into sitting down. There was a body on the asphalt, it was covered up but it didn’t take a genius to figure out whose it was.
Carisi was frantic; he was covered in blood and there was a gash across his forehead, but he didn’t seem to notice, “I gotta- I gotta call an’-”
“Hey,” the EMT said, “We put in a call to SVU already, you need to take a seat, let me look at that cut.”
Carisi shook his head, “Nah, I’m- I’m good, I just-”
Amanda caught the EMT’s eye and flashed her badge, “Give us a minute?”
“He really needs to be checked out,” the EMT said, uncertainly, but at Amanda’s unrelenting stare he stepped away.
“Rollins,” Carisi said through a shaky breath, “I tried t’stop, I don’t- I wasn’t quick enough-”
“Sit down,” Amanda said firmly, not giving him room for argument; she tugged gently at his arm until he was sat on the back of the ambulance, continuing to try and formulate an explanation, “Hey,” she said, “Just breathe, c’mon.”
Carisi dropped his hands between his knees for a breath, ducking his head as Amanda brought her hand up to rest on his back, rubbing in soft circles. He didn’t look up, but he started to speak again, “He- the stop sign, just came straight at me an’ I couldn’t- couldn’t stop, just came right at us-”
“Okay,” Amanda said, her hand still moving across his back, “Okay, just- keep breathing, this isn’t your fault.”
“I shoulda done somethin’, I-”
She knew it was fruitless to keep telling him to calm down, but she tried all the same, and when he paused for breath she called Liv, her eyes darting to Carisi as she spoke, knowing the guilt he was feeling was only going to increase the second he caught sight of the Lieutenant and had to explain things all over again.
He looked up once she ended the call, meeting her eyes, “The driver ran,” he said shakily, “Didn’t get a good look at him.”
Amanda stayed by his side, shooting glares to the EMT every time he looked like he was going to interrupt - there was no way Carisi was going anywhere before Liv got here, so he’d just have to wait. She kept her hand at his back as she called in the car’s licence plate and listened to the guy on the other end of the line informing her it was a stolen vehicle. In other words, a dead end. She didn’t tell Carisi that.
“You hurt anywhere else?” Amanda asked, nodding towards the gash on his head.
“Nah,” Carisi dropped his head again, swiping his left hand across his face, brushing away both blood and tears that Amanda wasn’t about to comment on, “I- I was tryin’ to stop the bleedin’ but I-”
Amanda hushed him gently, “Easy,” she said before he could get worked up again.
It didn’t do any good. Liv arrived less than a minute later and he launched into another frantic explanation, his words getting trapped under his tongue, guilt pouring out of him.
Once Amanda had filled Liv on everything she’d found out, she glanced back towards the ambulance where Carisi was being checked over by the EMT, “I’m gonna go with him,” she said, and Liv didn’t protest, distracted as she was.
Carisi, however, did protest. He tried to refuse to go to the hospital at all, until Amanda reminded him of another occasion, a couple of years back, where he’d done the same thing, “And you know I’ll say I told you so,” she joked; it didn’t draw even the faintest of smiles, but he gave in.
He was still murmuring apologies and guilty reflections the whole way to the hospital, Amanda’s hand on his arm, trying to steady him but knowing her words were falling firmly on deaf ears; he wasn’t ready to hear them yet.
She stayed with him; waiting outside while he had x-rays taken, sitting at his bedside while they stitched his forehead, sighing with relief that he didn’t echo when the doctor confirmed he had no internal injuries and discharged him.
Liv told him to take a few days off work, and it was a testament to how lousy he was feeling that he agreed.
She asked how he was doing the next morning and Amanda bit back a retort - a flash of anger that no one but her had checked in with him last night - and said, “Still kinda in shock; he’s banged up but he’ll heal,” she sighed, “He’s blaming himself.”
Liv nodded; she understood as well as Amanda there wasn’t a quick fix for that.
A glass of whiskey and Amanda’s hand on his weren’t enough - but she kept checking in on him, and he met her in the park and as he pushed Jesse on the swings he let out a clear laugh that sparked of something beyond the misery he’d been coiled up in.
“Thanks,” he said when they left the playground a short time later, Amanda pushing Jesse’s stroller while he walked alongside them, “For lookin’ out.”
“Always,” she said, and she’d meant it.
April 2021
Getting stabbed in the ear by a psychopath in open court wasn’t exactly how Sonny had seen his afternoon going, but he’d wound up at the ER anyway, and despite the blood and the initial pain, he’d come out of it just fine. Or mostly, anyway.
The throbbing lessened with the pain relief they’d given him in the ambulance and the buzzing in his ear was easing a little by the time Amanda managed to talk her way into the hospital. Something in him brightened as she approached, despite the grim tone of their conversation.
She waited with him until the nurse returned with his prescription, sitting closer to him than was strictly necessary. Her hands rested in her lap and a part of him - a part that definitely shouldn’t - hoped she’d reach out to comfort him, though he didn’t much need it this time around.
“I’ll drive him,” she answered when the nurse asked how he’d be getting home, and he opened his mouth to protest, “I’m taking you home,” she told him firmly, and Sonny was glad that she’d offered when he pushed up from the bed and found the room spinning around him.
“Woah,” Amanda held out a hand to steady him, her fingers curling around his forearm.
“I’m okay,” he said, despite his unsteady feet, “They said I might be a little off balance for a few hours.”
Amanda didn’t release her hold on his arm as they walked out towards the bank of elevators - she took it slow, her eyes darting towards him with every other step, “You doing okay?”
“Yeah,” he nodded, “Course.”
The buzzing in his ear was growing louder again, but the doctor had warned him about that too, and it was a small price to pay for the alternative - if the pencil had been angled just a little differently he could be in a whole world of pain, and hearing loss along with it.
He leaned back against the elevator wall once they were inside, Amanda releasing her hold on him to press the button for the first floor. “Thanks for this,” he said. There were other people he could have called, but somehow it was always her at his side at times like this, and that felt right, whether it should or not.
When they got to his apartment she made sure he was settled on the couch before she made to leave; he was disappointed to see her go, but there was a determination in her eyes as she turned away, “I’ve got to go back to the precinct,” she said, and Sonny wanted to believe that was where she was going, that she wasn’t about to do anything she’d regret - and with his head fuzzy and the thrumming in his ear it was easier to just close his eyes and believe what she was saying.
She reached out to squeeze his shoulder before she left, whispering a soft, “Call if you need anything,” that left a smile on his face.
He didn’t call her; he managed to shower and change, to debate whether it was worth trying to get the blood spots out of his collar, to order takeout and rest his head back against the couch while the TV played his DVR queue; a bunch of shows Amanda was ahead of him on, stuff he’d never admit to watching without her.
The next morning he woke feeling much steadier; the pain in his ear was little more than an irritant, though the knock at his door seemed far louder than it ought to. Amanda was on the other side when he opened it, takeout coffee cups in either hand, “How you feeling?” she said.
She drove him to work - not before telling him she thought he should take a couple of days off, like she’d ever do the same herself - and he felt her concern, that old way she’d had when they were still partners of worrying about him in small ways. She probably didn’t even realise how obvious she was when she casually dropped by for lunch, and just had to drop a file off at the end of the work day. Sonny didn’t point it out to her because ever since the first time she’d strong-armed him into going to the ER there was something about the way she worried about him that warmed him from the inside - that feeling of being that kind of important to someone, to her.
December 2021
When Amanda and Sonny had disclosed their relationship Sonny had decided they might as well go in all and let everyone in their lives know at once - so he’d suggested they host a ‘small gathering’ for New Year, and that had been that. Liv and Fin knew, their bosses knew, and everyone else found out from the half-casual, “Amanda and I…” that opened his invitation.
Amanda had agreed to the gathering mostly because of the smile the idea had put on his face, but also because after months of having to hide how they felt it would be nice to be able to just be, casually and openly - not at work, where they still had to maintain professional boundaries, but at home with their friends and the people who mattered most.
Sonny’s family were out of town for New Year, as per tradition, and even though he’d missed their celebrations last year he’d cried off again; Amanda had heard one side of his phone call to his mother, and had laughed at the colouring of his cheeks as he explained, “Well, I wanna spend it with Amanda and… yeah, Ma, yeah she-”
He’d lifted his head, catching Amanda’s eye, as he answered one of his mother’s questions with an, “Why do you wanna know that?” and then, a soft smile flashed in her direction, “Well, of course I’m gonna kiss her at midnight.”
Sonny was working later than she was on New Year’s Eve - after last year’s call out disrupting all their plans, Liv had arranged for them all to get off early as though they weren’t all heading to the same place, but Sonny had still been in his office when she’d called, waiting for a meeting with Hadid that she’d insisted be pushed.
When five-thirty rolled around he called to let her know he was going to stop by his apartment to grab an overnight bag and then he’d be right over. Jesse was spinning in the living room in her party dress, and Billie was bouncing about in the hallway, asking if Noah or Uncle Sonny would get there first. They were all ready to let off some steam and celebrate together - even if they might not all last through ’til midnight.
By six-thirty the girls had worked off some of their excited energy and were lying at either end of the couch. Amanda had left them watching TV while she changed, but she was surprised that Sonny still hadn’t appeared by the time she got back to the living room, “When’s everyone coming?” Jesse asked from the couch just as there was a knock at the door.
It wasn’t Sonny on the other side, though, but Liv and Noah, “Oh,” Amanda said, the quip she’d had ready for Sonny, chastising him about never using his key, died in the air.
“Hi,” Liv said, “Sorry, are we early?”
“No, sorry, come in,” Amanda smiled, stepping back to let in their guests, Jesse and Billie calling out excitedly when they caught sight of Noah, “I just thought you were Carisi. I was expecting he’d be here by now, considering this whole thing was his idea.”
“He must’ve gotten held up on his way out of the office,” Liv suggested, holding out a bottle of wine.
“I guess,” Amanda said, but with with every knock that followed over the next hour, every time she answered the door to someone who wasn’t Sonny, something uneasy turned in Amanda’s stomach. She’d called him a couple of times and left messages, but by eight o’clock she was getting worried, and Liv picked up on it pretty quickly.
She collared Amanda in the kitchen, handing her a glass of wine, “I’m sure he’s fine,” she said, but Amanda wasn’t convinced.
“You’re watching the door too,” she countered.
“I- Elliot said he’d try to make it,” Liv gave Amanda a tight smile, “It’s fine.”
Amanda nodded; they hadn’t specifically invited Stabler, but when Liv had said she may have plans already, Sonny had said she could bring her plans with her, and though she’d shaken her head at him the way she used to back when he was a rookie detective under her feet, it seemed that Liv had taken him up on the offer.
“I’m just gonna try Carisi again,” she said, ducking into the bedroom for some quiet. She wasn’t surprised when it went straight to voicemail, and she didn’t bother with leaving another message.
She’d barely rejoined the party before her phone rang in her hand; she jumped to answer it, but it wasn’t Sonny’s face filling the screen - she frowned as she saw the No Caller ID and answered it with apprehensiveness blooming in her stomach, “Amanda Rollins.”
With just a few short words that apprehension turned to cold dread.
The hospital wouldn’t tell her much - just that Carisi was there, but that was enough, because if he was okay he’d be calling her himself, he wouldn’t have left her to wonder and worry all this time. Amanda glanced around the room at their gathered guests, all blissfully unaware - talking and laughing, the children dancing together.
She turned to find Liv, to tell her what had happened, that she’d have to go, but Liv was on the phone herself, and judging from her facial expression, she was receiving a call just like Amanda’s.
They met halfway across the room, “Carisi-” Amanda started, and Liv nodded.
“Elliot too.”
They didn’t waste time - Liv filled Fin in on what they knew while Amanda kissed her daughters goodbye, hoping she wouldn’t be gone long enough for them to realise something was wrong, hoping against hope that she’d return with Sonny, this whole thing just a big misunderstanding, “Where are you going Mommy?”
“To, uh, to get Uncle Sonny,” Amanda said, trying to stay casual even as her throat tightened.
“Oh good,” Jesse beamed, “He’s gotta get here before the ball drops.”
“Yeah, baby,” Amanda said, though she knew it was unlikely, “You be good for Uncle Fin, okay?”
“Uncle Fin’s in charge?” Noah asked, turning to look at his mother, a grin on his face. The smile Liv gave him was forced, at least to Amanda’s eyes, but neither of them wanted to let on the fear that was threatening the joyful end to a tough year.
When they arrived at the hospital they flashed their badges to speed things along a little, and Amanda was relieved to hear Sonny’s voice as they rounded a corner, finding him sat on a hospital bed, gesturing at Elliot Stabler with one arm; the other was held in a sling across his chest. Stabler was on a hospital bed too, the cubicle curtain that would’ve separated the two of them was drawn open, and even the smallest chance that this was an insane coincidence diminished at that.
“Rollins is gonna kill me,” Sonny was saying, and Amanda would have laughed if she wasn’t so wired.
“Well I’m grateful all the same,” Stabler said - his shirt was partially unbuttoned and Amanda could see a bandage over his chest.
Sonny was facing away from her, but Stabler noticed their approach as they got near, and at his fixed expression - eyes firmly on Liv - Sonny turned.
“Amanda, hey,” he said, looking apologetic, “I-”
She reached for him when she got close enough, but she held back, her fingers barely an inch from his face “What the hell happened?” she said, her worry coming out in harsh tones.
“Carisi saved my life,” Stabler cut in before Sonny could respond; his words were directed at Amanda but his gaze was still on Liv.
Amanda had a hell of a lot of questions, but she just shot Stabler a darker look than someone whose life had been threatened this evening probably needed, and she finally closed the distance between her and Sonny, her fingers trailing over his cheek as her anger melted a little, “Are you okay?”
“I’ll live,” Sonny said, reaching up to catch her hand in his, “Through an’ through,” he added, nodding towards his arm.
Liv walked around them, talking to Stabler in low tones, and while they spoke Amanda sat beside Sonny on the bed, something familiar about it as he threaded their fingers together, “You left the party?”
“What else was I gonna do?” Amanda snapped, then sighed in apology, “They didn’t say much, I thought you were-”
Sonny shook his head, “Nah, you’re still stuck with me.”
It was a feeble attempt at a joke and Amanda pointedly didn’t even crack a smile.
“I was just tryin’ to get home,” Sonny’s thumb passed in circles on the back of her hand as he filled in the evening’s events, “I ran into Stabler outside of the courthouse, we were just walkin’ to the parking lot together an’…” he trailed off.
“What?” Amanda nudged him gently with her arm, “Is this on him?”
Sonny shook his head, “Nah, don’t- I got myself in the way of the bullet.”
Someone had approached them on their way to the parking lot, someone with a very specific agenda and target in mind. All Sonny’s years as a cop hadn’t been forgotten, those instincts were still buried down, and once the first bullet hit Stabler’s shoulder, Sonny had been quick to shove him out of the way of the second, taking it in his own arm instead.
The whole thing had been over in seconds, Stabler had drawn his weapon and taken the perp down before either he or Sonny had gotten to their feet again - the immediate aftermath had been chaos, and Sonny was bundled into the back of an ambulance before he even realised he’d dropped his phone.
“An’ by the time they brought Stabler up here the hospital had already called you,” he said.
Amanda couldn’t be mad at him over this; she could never be mad at Sonny putting his own life on the line for someone else because that was just who he was, and it was who she was, too - instead all she could be was grateful; grateful that he’d survived, that the bullet hadn’t hit an artery on its journey, that she’d been listed as his emergency contact the past few years, that his uninjured hand was wound around hers and he was as close to fine as he could be given the circumstances.
Liv was exchanging some short words with Stabler, their voices rising just enough for them to pick out bits of the conversation, each word stemming from the same fear that had flooded Amanda. It reminded Amanda, too, of being in hospital with Sonny eight months ago, blood on his collar and a ringing in his ear, rage in Amanda’s veins. The circumstances were different, but there was something familiar to it, that was different from the way she could squeeze Sonny’s fingers in hers now and know that he was safe, the way she could press a kiss to his jaw and murmur into his skin that she was glad he was alive.
They had a long wait before he was discharged, longer than they might have had if it weren’t New Year’s Eve, but Amanda left his side only to call and update Fin, to speak to Jesse and tell them her might not make it back in time for the ball to drop, but that she’d be bringing Sonny home with her soon enough.
“Almost midnight,” Sonny said, a little later, “Sorry, I know this wasn’t how we were plannin’ to see in the new year.”
“I just wanted to spend it with you,” Amanda answered honestly, “I was hoping you’d be in one piece, but…”
He laughed, an indulgent sort of laugh, shaking his head, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Amanda said, the words flowing easily, far more easily than she’d imagined they’d ever come.
“Was gonna save that for midnight,” he said, “But… I don’t know, you deserve to hear ’em this year too.”
Amanda smiled, wider than someone whose boyfriend literally got shot just hours before probably ought to, and leaned up to kiss him right there on his hospital bed; she wasn’t going to bother to wait until the countdown was over - they never had to do that again.