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The night before, Kururugi Suzaku does not sleep. He lies awake as the darkness begins to give way to the bruise of dawn, the cool light creeping over the grand chamber, dragging the day in with it. There is no room for regret now. There is no going back.
Lelouch stirs slightly in his arms. Suzaku doesn’t know how he can sleep. Soon he will wake and rise to robe himself in riches; the grand white garments hang like an empty skin in Suzaku’s peripheral, the jewels gleaming, eyelike and cold. White: purity, innocence, the color of snow because it has forgotten. He thinks briefly of brides, bitter. As if. If only.
He sighs, deeper than he intended, louder, angrier. Lelouch, his head on his shoulder, opens his eyes. They are red, blazing with bloodied Geass. Suzaku is used to seeing him without his contacts first thing in the morning and no longer recoils. It’s not like he needs to, besides. Lelouch has already cursed him.
“You didn’t sleep, huh?” Lelouch says softly.
“I… couldn’t.”
“Mm.” Lelouch exhales, stretches his long naked body, then settles down again. He presses his face close to Suzaku’s neck. “My brave knight, protecting me until the last.”
Suzaku swallows. “Please don’t say it like that.”
Lelouch finds his hand under the sheets. “Sorry.”
Their fingers tangle and squeeze. Suzaku looks fiercely at the drapings around the grandiose bed, his eyes burning. This is the last time he will look at them, the last time he will wake up next to…
“Don’t cry,” Lelouch says, gripping his hand. “Please don’t cry.”
“Is that an order, Your Majesty?” Suzaku puts his arm over his eyes, scrunching them tight. “I’m not.”
He doesn’t want to have the conversation again. It goes around and around, ends in an argument or tears or both. He knows there’s no way out, no other way this can end. Lelouch has made sure of that and he… he has given his word.
Now he must give his world.
The hours do not last. Eventually they get up, go their separate ways, sneaking around like it’s still a secret. Like it even matters now. They reunite at breakfast, greet each other as though they haven’t seen each other since last night even though all the servants are Geassed into obedience. C.C. isn’t there. Somehow Suzaku had a feeling she wouldn’t be. He doesn’t ask Lelouch where she is. He already feels enough of a fool, picking at his food with Lelouch in all his finery and he in a T-shirt and jeans. There’s no need for him to get dressed just yet.
Lelouch isn’t really eating much, either. He stirs his tea, sips it, stabs the slice of lemon with his spoon.
“Suzaku,” he says, “you need to eat something.”
“So do you,” Suzaku retorts.
“Mm.” Lelouch takes a tiny bite of his toast. “I suppose so.”
They haven’t discussed how Suzaku will do it. Unspoken: I trust you to do the job properly. A gun might be most fitting, with regards to Euphy. Suzaku’s hand trembles on the table. He removes it before Lelouch can see, sitting on it, treacherous. This is the hand that killed his own father. What right does it have to tremor now?
They go for a final walk around the palace grounds. The day is beautiful, bright and warm with blue skies. The crowds will see clearly. Lelouch slips his hand into Suzaku’s, saying nothing. Somehow Suzaku feels that Lelouch just doesn’t want to let him out of his sight - that he doesn’t trust him not to run away. The thought has crossed his mind. So has taking Lelouch with him. They could disappear, go have a life somewhere, let Cornelia or Schneizel deal with the shit. They’d let the prisoners go, at least - Suzaku is sure of that. But. He doesn’t broach it. This is one of the arguments. They’ve had it before. Lelouch has an answer for everything and Suzaku’s heart isn’t really in it. He knows Lelouch is right. This is the only way now.
They stand at the edge of the lake, watching the swans glide by without a care. Their reflections waver, riches and rags, prince and pauper. How little any of it will matter soon.
“Suzaku,” Lelouch says after a while, “I admit I have some regrets.”
“Only some, huh? How like you.”
Lelouch turns his head towards him, smiling. His eyes are violet, cool and false. Suzaku knows better, knows how Geass has worn this boy’s skin since the day C.C. put her hands on him. Things would be different if it wasn’t for her. Suzaku isn’t angry at her. They understand one another, sword and shield. Now the shield is gone and only the sword remains.
“I mean,” Lelouch says, “this outcome… is perhaps not my first choice. There are many things I wish I could have done differently, many… many lives I wish had been spared.”
“Are you apologising?” Suzaku asks flatly. “Normal people just say ‘I’m sorry’.”
“I don’t think that’s going to cut it, somehow,” Lelouch says wryly.
“Yeah,” Suzaku exhales. “I guess not.” He feels Lelouch move a little closer to him and gives his hand a reassuring squeeze. “You’re too proud to say it, anyway.”
“Maybe so,” Lelouch agrees. “...I suppose what I’m trying to say is that… I don’t regret this, Suzaku. Our time together here, at school, when we were kids… I’ve treasured it. That’s all.”
“Yeah,” Suzaku says again. He can’t bring himself to say much more, his throat thick and aching. “Me too, Lelouch.”
It’s time. Suzaku goes to his room and kneels down next to the bed. He reaches under and grabs the metal case by the handle, sliding it out. Carefully, with reverence, he places it on the unslept-in bed and unlocks it, slowly opening it. Within is the symbol, the nothing that yawns in between them. Zero. Suzaku stands staring at the neatly-folded costume for a long time. Of course it has to be theatrical. He doesn’t even know if it will fit him; he is bigger than Lelouch, broader in the chest and shoulders. He hasn’t dared try it on.
“Suzaku.” Lelouch is in the doorway, shrouded in white. “I’m leaving now. The procession will be starting soon.”
“Yeah,” Suzaku says stiffly. He doesn’t look up from the case. “See you later.”
Lelouch takes a step into the room–
“Don’t!” Suzaku clenches his fists, sucking in a deep breath. He closes his eyes. “Don’t come in. Will you please just go? Just… just go.”
Lelouch stops. His robes keep moving long after he does so. He exhales, soft, and then takes off his hat, putting it on the dresser. Suzaku turns his face away. He can’t bear to look at him.
“I said go,” he growls. “I’ll do it, okay? I swore my promise to you. I’m not going to run away. I will come. I will end it. Please stop tormenting me.”
“...I wanted to say goodbye,” Lelouch says quietly. He’s close, Suzaku can sense him. “Suzaku. Please.”
“God,” Suzaku moans, tipping his head back, “you’re so selfish…”
“I know. My Geass suits me perfectly. You… wouldn’t even be alive if it wasn’t for my wish.”
“Yes,” Suzaku says savagely. “I’d be free.”
“You will be,” Lelouch says. “The world will be free.”
“And what if you’re wrong?” Suzaku laughs. “What if it doesn’t work? …Not that you’ll even be around to know that, will you…?”
“I believe in the Zero Requiem,” Lelouch says. “In the Power of Kings, in wishes. I have no other choice.” He takes another breath, then reaches out towards Suzaku’s shoulder. “Goodbye, Suzaku–”
Suzaku whirls, military instinct, snatching his thin wrist. Lelouch doesn’t look too surprised, blinking once before smiling. He’s taken his contacts out, leaving them with his hat near the door, and his natural eyes burn with his curse. To meet his gaze is to bend to his will.
“I’ll kill you, Lelouch,” Suzaku says. “Don’t worry about it. You’ve given me my orders. As your knight, I will obey.”
“You’re a good soldier, Suzaku.” Lelouch reaches towards his face with his other hand. “I know I can trust you with this and… with Nunnally.”
Suzaku nods stiffly. He doesn’t flinch when Lelouch’s cool palm comes to his cheek, his thumb tracing under his eye.
“Soon,” Lelouch whispers, “I will let you go.”
Something deep inside Suzaku cracks. He pulls Lelouch close, wrapping his arms around him, holding him tight. He fumbles to find his mouth, pressing upwards as always because Lelouch is the tiniest bit taller. Lelouch gives in very easily, seeming relieved, his long slender arms winding around Suzaku’s shoulders. They stand like that for a long time, the moment frozen, the date and the day and the doom all falling away. Now it’s just them. Suzaku holds him and holds him, the taste of him familiar - every inch of his body is his. The scent of his skin, the fineness of his hair, the sharpness of his fingers, all belong to him. He will always be longing.
Now, up close, Suzaku can feel him shaking. For weeks, he has wanted to ask aren’t you afraid? but has stayed his tongue, afraid of the retort. He’d known Lelouch would never be honest.
He breaks the kiss, burying his face in Lelouch’s neck. He feels him breathing hard against his hair. Even kissing tires him out. No wonder he was able to sleep last night.
He wants to whisper all sorts of things in his ear. I’ll make it quick. You don’t know how I'll miss you. I don’t want you to let me go. I love you. Don’t do this. Don’t leave me behind. Don’t go don’t go don’t go. He says nothing, clinging to the moment as it thaws, slipping from his hands. Voices are calling from the hallway.
“Your Majesty! It’s time to leave for the procession.”
“...I have to go.” Lelouch disentangles himself with effort, righting his clothes. He suddenly looks like a child playing dress-up, the robes too big and too grand. He’s barely nineteen, too young to bear the burden of this. He’s too young to die.
“Suzaku…”
Suzaku bows his head, pressing his hand to his heart. “Yes, Your Majesty.”
Voices again. Lelouch hurries away, going to the dresser. He puts his contacts back in and brushes off his hat. “Goodbye, Suzaku,” he says again, softer. Now he is the one who won’t look.
He sweeps out of the room without a backwards glance, his too-big robes swishing after him. Suzaku sits on the bed next to the case.
“Goodbye, Lelouch,” he says woodenly. He knows he didn’t hear him.
He reaches into the case and takes hold of Zero’s cape. It will fit because it has to. There is nothing left for Kururugi Suzaku to be.
When it comes to it, he unsheathes the sword with an easy breath.
His eyes are only on Lelouch vi Britannia, waiting for him in white.
Now his hand does not tremble.
On three separate occasions, Suzaku has looked at Lelouch and said a stupid thing.
First: When they were children, before the invasion, before their carefree happiness was crushed beneath Britannia’s boot. It was summer, sticky, the night sky swollen with cicada song, and they were heading back to the house. Suzaku had Nunnally on his back, fast asleep. Lelouch, tramping tiredly alongside him, said, “You have mud on your cheek, Suzaku”.
“Yeah,” Suzaku replied, laughing. “From where you pushed me.”
“I did not push you! You fell!”
Suzaku stuck out his tongue. “I had fun today. I wish it could stay this way forever.”
.
Second: At Ashford Academy, blissfully unaware that Lelouch was Zero. They shared their first kiss on the balcony of Lelouch’s room, exhausted after a Student Council festival fiasco led by Milly. It was sudden but not unexpected. After a moment, Lelouch drew back, embarrassed.
“S-sorry,” he muttered. “That was…”
“It’s okay,” Suzaku replied softly. They came together again; and Lelouch was so open and beautiful and Suzaku trusted him with all his heart.
“I’m happy with things how they are,” he said. “I wish they could stay this way forever.”
“You’ve said that before,” Lelouch replied. He looked away. “Now they won’t.”
Suzaku grinned. “Am I cursed?”
Lelouch let him pull him close. “Something like that,” he said absently.
.
Third: In that final month, between engagements, they did as they pleased. These were the breaks Suzaku needed between the heartbreak of watching Lelouch place all his pieces. They spent long afternoons in the gardens, gathering grass-stains beneath trees, daylight giving way to dusk. In spite of what was to come, Suzaku was happy. This was theirs; a whole private world taken by force that nobody dared encroach on. They didn’t have to act like strangers, like enemies. When footsteps approached, Lelouch did not push him away. This was what it was like to have power.
“I wish it could stay like this–”
“Forever,” Lelouch finished. He smiled up at him, reaching to wipe away his tears. “You know it can’t, Suzaku. Not this time.”
“Yeah,” Suzaku sighed. He settled down, putting his head against Lelouch’s neck. “...I’m just tired. I’m tired of fighting. Tired of…”
“Surviving,” Lelouch sighed. Suzaku felt his long fingers begin to card gently through his hair. “I know. That one, like so many, is on me.” He bent his neck to kiss the crown of Suzaku’s head. “My soldier. I know you’re exhausted. I won’t ask too much more of you. There’s just Kallen Kouzuki left to deal with now.”
Suzaku didn’t bite. He was silent for a long moment before saying, “...I’d be satisfied like this.”
“Me too,” Lelouch said, exhaling. They were quiet, looking up at the first stars.
“I guess that makes me as selfish as you,” Suzaku mumbled. He put his palm on Lelouch’s belly, felt him press his hand atop it. The glowing gems sewn to his sash were cold against his skin.
“We always were a perfect match, Suzaku,” Lelouch said. “I knew you’d be by my side at the end.”
Grief does not grow any smaller. Instead, with time, other things calcify around it, blooming like a pearl around a speck of grit. Suzaku has survived his loss, carrying it carefully within him; he and Nunnally share their mourning, the only ones who do. Gradually, as the world heals, people take Lelouch’s sacrifice for granted, as though it was a given. Eventually, they stop saying his name altogether. He hasn’t heard it uttered aloud in a long time.
He is the one to say it, letting it hang between them for a long moment - before it falls, crystallizing, filling up the room. When Lelouch suggests, typical and offhand, not even looking at him, that he check him… this is because he knows Suzaku will want to touch him. This is the only way he can confirm that it truly is him. He should know, shouldn’t he? He’s held him enough times - that final time, feeling the life leave his body.
He doesn’t mean to react as he does. His grief overcomes him, welling up, knotting around his heart. It’s too much to see him before him when he’s spent his nights reliving it. The stench of blood is something he will never forget. Lelouch lets him do it, doesn’t utter a word of complaint, because he understands. Even after C.C. pulls him off, staying his rage, saying that it’s all her fault, Suzaku sees him smiling.
He was smiling that day, too.
“It’s not really her fault, is it?” Suzaku says, resting his arms on the railing. “I don’t know much about Geass or Codes or whatever but… I saw that mark on your neck.” He exhales deeply. “...Guess you really are immortal, huh?”
“Suzaku, I didn’t lie to you back then,” Lelouch says quietly. “I know how it looks now and… well, it’s not like I haven’t lied to you before… but I wasn’t meant to survive the Zero Requiem. C.C. knows that, too.”
“But she wasn’t really that selfish, was she?” Suzaku says coolly. “If you had a Code, you were always going to live.”
“I didn’t know that,” Lelouch says. “I wasn’t even sure I had it. There was a possibility that V.V.’s Code was banished along with the World of C when we rejected my parents’ wish. C.C. always said there would be no way of knowing until… well. It was… activated. To that end, did it make any difference?”
Suzaku breathes out again. “I guess not.”
“It doesn’t make any difference going forward, either. This is just a rescue mission. I can’t be Zero again after this, Suzaku. That’s your responsibility now - one that you accepted.”
“I know,” Suzaku says coolly. “My punishment, right?”
Lelouch looks directly at him. “I suppose not many people live to have their final words thrown back at them,” he says.
“I’m just venting,” Suzaku grumbles, resting his head on his arms. “You deserve it.”
“I know.” Lelouch looks back to his laptop. “You’re injured and tired, Suzaku. You should go and get some rest. I’m counting on you tomorrow.”
“Mm.”
Suzaku doesn’t move, listening to Lelouch type for a while. The revelry goes on in the camp beneath the tower, people popping bottles and laughing loudly. Of course Lelouch is up here, away from it all - just like the school festivals, the parties, the social events. Suzaku has always known exactly where to find him. Now that he’s here, that he’s settled into the strangeness of his resurrection, he doesn’t want to leave him. Tomorrow, he knows, he may well lose him again.
Lelouch stops typing. Suzaku lazily turns his head to look at him; he’s gazing out over the camp, watching everyone with a detached sort of interest. One of his pale slender hands comes up and grips the rail.
“Are you okay?” Suzaku asks, straightening.
“Hm?” Lelouch looks at him. He really hasn’t aged a day. Makes sense. “Yes, I’m fine. Just… thinking, that’s all. I’m still a little bit… well, my mind was in the World of C for a long time. It’s really only thanks to C.C. that I’m of any use to you but… I suppose I still feel a bit off.” He shrugs. “It’s nothing.”
Suzaku moves closer. “Are you…?” He bites his lip, thinks better of it. He shakes his head. “Never mind.”
“You want to ask me if I’m glad to be alive, don’t you?” Lelouch says absently.
Suzaku flinches. Lelouch is much too good at reading him. “...Only if you want to answer.”
Lelouch is quiet for a long time. “I’m happy to see everyone,” he says. “And I’m grateful for the warm welcome. It’s certainly not what I was expecting, not after everything I did.”
“Everything we did,” Suzaku corrects.
“Yes.” Lelouch smiles weakly at him. "I would never forget your loyalty, Suzaku. I’m… most glad of all to see you. But I went into it knowing the price. I was happy to pay it. I wasn’t supposed to live. There’s no place for me in this world anymore.”
Suzaku nods. Of course he understands that. As far as the world is concerned, Kururugi Suzaku is dead, too. Now he is nothing, has nothing.
Except tonight.
Their kiss is like their first; sudden but not unexpected. It lasts for a long time. Lelouch is exactly the same height as he was but Suzaku has grown another inch or two and doesn’t have to press upwards anymore. He puts his hand in Lelouch’s hair. He’s missed how it feels, how it runs through his fingers like silk.
There’s a drunken shout from below, nothing to do with them, but Lelouch jolts back, almost losing his grip on the laptop. He scrapes it against the rail, rescuing it.
“Need that,” he mutters, a little bit pink in the face. He won’t meet Suzaku’s eyes. “Sorry, that was…” He coughs, turning away. “Y-you should go to bed now, Suzaku. We’ve got a busy day tomorrow.”
Suzaku reaches out and takes hold of his hand, clasping it tightly. “Yes, Your Majesty,” he says. Now it’s his turn to smile.
We shouldn’t. It’s unspoken, the spell unbroken. Neither of them wants to be the one. They both know, don’t they, that tonight is probably their only chance.
Suzaku locks the door behind them. The sleeping quarters for tonight are simple bedrolls laid out in the plain storage rooms at the edge of the camp. Suzaku has one to himself because he was supposed to go to bed early and get some sleep. Lelouch hasn’t protested too much, mostly just half-hearted grumbling with no real intention, and he doesn’t say a thing when Suzaku bolts the door.
“It’s not much compared to what we had back then,” Suzaku says, carefully taking the laptop out of Lelouch’s hands, “but it’ll do, right?”
“It’s perfect,” Lelouch replies, not without dryness.
“You’re the one who insisted on coming out here to ask for Princess Cornelia’s help.”
“I know.” Lelouch picks distractedly at his lapel. “I’m surprised she even entertained me. I know she’ll never forgive me for–”
“That’s enough.” Suzaku says this a little sharply, insistent. Hers is another name that makes him wince, even now. “I don’t want to talk about any of it anymore. Not tonight, not when you’re here. That’s… that’s enough.”
“I’m sorry,” Lelouch says softly. “I’m being selfish. You’re the one who’s suffered the most, Suzaku.”
“Yeah,” Suzaku agrees. “So at least try to make it up to me.”
“You already beat the shit out of me,” Lelouch sniffs. “Wasn’t that enough?”
Suzaku takes hold of him. “Looks like you healed already.”
Lelouch meets his eyes, cool and defiant. For the first time, Suzaku takes proper notice of the fact that the violet is genuine. These are not contacts. He grips tighter, digging his strong fingers in. Lelouch doesn’t flinch.
“Looks like it,” he says quietly.
They kiss. This time it isn’t chaste or anxious; the door is locked and they are alone like that final morning. Suzaku holds him tight, feels him tremble. He has so many more things he wants to say but suddenly they seem unimportant. They’ve waited this long, after all. Good night, good knight.
Suzaku has worn Zero’s outfit long enough to know how to take it off without much thought. He pulls out the pin, unknots the cravat, unwinds it from Lelouch’s throat. He always wanted to ask if Lelouch designed this ridiculous thing himself - he must have, surely - but it never seems to be the time. Even now. Especially now.
“Didn’t think I’d ever be wearing this again,” Lelouch murmurs as Suzaku kisses his bared neck. “It’s supposed to be on you.”
“I guess we’re both pretty good at getting out of “supposed to’s”, huh,” Suzaku says against his throat.
He feels Lelouch tilt his head, exposing the delicate, vulnerable part of his neck; his pulse beats defiantly beneath Suzaku’s tongue, quickening a touch as his buttons begin to become undone. He doesn’t make much protest otherwise. He’s always been submissive and lazy, letting Suzaku do all the work - letting him do as he wants. This is the one thing he doesn’t fight for control over. It took Suzaku longer than he would like to admit to understand that this is because Lelouch trusts him completely - that he still does, that he makes it so clear. You’re all I’ve got left. Suzaku can still hear him saying it. That’s why it has to be you. That’s why it will always be you.
…And what about C.C.?
She has her own wishes. Don’t we all.
Suzaku parts Lelouch’s waistcoat and shirt and looks right at it: the symbol of wishes, slender wings outstretched in scarlet like a paper crane. It sits just beneath Lelouch’s clavicle, bright and defiant. Suzaku knows this wasn’t on him before that morning. He would have seen it.
“This… isn’t where I…”
“My father grabbed me by the throat in the World of C, remember?”
“Oh.” Suzaku stares at it unblinkingly. He knows this, really; he remembers Lelouch telling him to back off. “That’s when you took it.”
“Transferred. I didn’t consciously take it.”
“It doesn’t matter if you’re lying, you know,” Suzaku says. “Not anymore. It’s done now.”
“I’m not lying, Suzaku,” Lelouch says. He reaches out to touch Suzaku’s face, pressing his palm to his cheek. “Not this time.”
Suzaku stays very still. He remembers the last time Lelouch put his hand on his face, bloodied fingers trailing down the left side of Zero’s mask. He’d seen the cheering world through the stain.
“Don’t cry,” Lelouch begs softly. “Please don’t cry.”
“I-I’m not.” Suzaku presses his forehead to the mark, swallowing the sob. He squeezes his eyes tightly shut, his fists trembling on Lelouch’s lapels. “I’ve already cried for you,” he growls. “...You’re not even dead.”
“I was.”
Suzaku sinks to his knees, resting his cheek against Lelouch’s belly. Just above his head is the place where he plunged the sword through him. He knows he can't ask if it hurt - not that it matters. There likely isn’t even a scar.
“Can you face her tomorrow?” he asks, wiping his cheeks. “When we rescue her, do you have the courage to look her in the eyes after what you did?”
“I suppose I’ll have to, won’t I?” Lelouch says softly.
“You didn’t hear her screaming that day,” Suzaku says. Nunnally’s wail of despair has never left him, louder than the chant of freedom; they were the ones left with empty hands.
“I’m… glad I didn’t,” Lelouch admits. He puts his hand on Suzaku’s head, caressing his hair. “I suppose that’s another of my burdens that I left on you.”
Suzaku shakes his head free, rising. “I should beat you to within an inch of your life,” he says. His eyes fall on the mark on Lelouch’s throat again. “Not that it would make much difference.”
Lelouch rolls his eyes. “Suzaku, are we just going to go around in circles all night? I understand that you’re angry, that the weight of everything was placed on you. I know it’s not fair.” He sighs. “But if we’re just going to stand here arguing, I think this time could be used more productively. You’re injured and tired and I need you for tomorrow’s operation. Get some rest.” He puts his hand on Suzaku’s shoulder, passing him. “I’ll see you in the m–”
“No,” Suzaku interrupts, grabbing his wrist. “No way. Not again. You don’t get to just walk away from me again, Lelouch. You think you can just come back after… after all this and then just… just…?”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Lelouch says quietly.
“Then how the hell did you mean it?!” Suzaku shouts. “Do you have any idea how hard it is seeing you alive?! Do you even realize how many times I’ve relived what I had to do to you? I know I agreed to it, I know it was the only way, but still… You really want me to blame C.C. for that?!”
“Of course I don’t.” Lelouch looks away. “You weren’t supposed to know. Nobody was.”
“That doesn’t make it any better!”
“I know.” Lelouch looks down at Suzaku’s wrist, at his white knuckles clamped on his forearm like a vice. “Suzaku, let go.”
“No.” Suzaku holds on tighter. “That’s it, you see. That’s the real kicker. How can I let you go again?”
“You know I can’t stay,” Lelouch says softly.
“I do know,” Suzaku says, savage and aching. “Of course I know that. That’s why it’s so hard - because you’re right here even though I killed you with the whole world watching.” Suzaku drags him in, putting his arms around him. He crushes him close, burying his face in his shoulder. “You’re right here and I still don’t get to keep you.”
He is sobbing now, unable to hold it back any longer. Lelouch is very still for a long time, letting him hold him and cry it out - but then, eventually, Suzaku feels him return the embrace, clinging on tightly. He’s crying, too.
They stand there for a long time, holding each other, letting their grief crash and tumble until, finally, it begins to ebb. There’s nothing more to say, nothing to beg or bargain for that can be freely given. I don’t want you to leave. I want to stay with you. Please don’t let me go. All are impossibilities. Perhaps, in another time, another life - but not here, not now.
All they have is tonight.
Suzaku carefully lays him on the bedding roll, a far cry from their final night together. Lelouch doesn’t seem to mind, smiling up at him as he finally removes the grubby prisoner’s garb. Suzaku leans down over him, caving inward at the feeling of Lelouch’s cool lovely hands running over his bare skin. This is not a dream, not a memory; it’s real and he savors it, bending to kiss him, drinking him in. Lelouch is unchanged, as beautiful as always, pale and sharp as paper folded into some other shape. There is no scar on him, of course. Suzaku worships him with his mouth, his tongue lathing over the site of his mortal wound, and Lelouch puts his hands in his hair. He knows what he’s doing, knows what he won’t find. Suzaku kisses him everywhere except for the Geass mark. He still can’t bring himself to taste it. It’s already had a taste of them.
He presses their foreheads together as he enters him, Lelouch gasping against his mouth. His eyes are scrunched shut but Suzaku stills, letting their bodies settle into their oneness, and eventually he opens them. Violet. For those last few months, every night, Suzaku saw them ruined by Geass, so bright it was almost blinding to meet his gaze. Now, however, they are cool and natural, his Code giving him mastery over it once more, ultra-violence beneath ultra-violet.
“You’re crying again,” Lelouch whispers, reaching up to wipe his face as he did in the palace gardens.
“Sorry,” Suzaku mumbles. He turns his face, kissing the heel of his hand. “I-I just… thought I’d never see them again.”
“...Them?”
“Your eyes.” Suzaku takes a breath. “...Your natural eyes. I took them for granted.”
“...So did I.”
Lelouch smiles, pulling him down against him. They kiss, long and bittersweet. Suzaku never wants to come up for air. Drowning down here would be better; there’s nothing left up there for them.
They always end up together in the end, after all.
Suzaku wakes to the sound of clacking keys. He rolls over, wondering where the hell he is, why the hell his body aches so much. This corrugated steel ceiling isn’t his.
“Good morning, Suzaku. Did you sleep well?”
Suzaku turns his head on the pillow. Lelouch is sitting with his back to him, half-dressed, typing away on the laptop.
“You’re still here,” Suzaku says.
Lelouch turns his head towards him. “Of course I’m still here. You thought I was going to run out on you come morning?” He smirks. “When have I ever done that?”
“I mean…” Suzaku looks at the ceiling again. “...It wasn’t a dream.”
“Oh.” Lelouch turns away again, going back to his work. “No, it wasn’t.”
Suzaku pushes himself up, finding his underwear and tugging it on. His body screams at him to lie down again but he ignores it, going to the desk to lean over Lelouch.
“No rest for the wicked, huh?” he says, watching him drag maps around the screen, overlaying them, enlarging them.
“Not for us,” Lelouch agrees. He slides over on the chair so Suzaku can sit next to him. “How are you this morning? Fit and healthy?”
“I’ll live,” Suzaku says.
“Of course you will.”
Suzaku sighs, putting his head on Lelouch’s shoulder. He can see his name on one of the little dots as Lelouch moves them around, perfecting his plays.
“Do you really think me piloting the new Lancelot is a good idea?” he asks quietly.
“Not really,” Lelouch says. “If we were doing this operation in the middle of Britannia, it would be a terrible idea, in fact. But… out here, with Cornelia’s forces, I think we’ll get away with it. You and Kallen are imperative to our success today. What’s the point of sending you out in a sub-par machine?”
“Yeah,” Suzaku says. “...I guess I’m just surprised Lloyd rebuilt it, that’s all. The Lancelot was almost as much of a symbol of hatred as… well, you. Why would he rebuild it after that?”
“Why does anyone rebuild anything?” Lelouch nudges him. “I know what you’re trying to say. You think we don’t deserve forgiveness.”
“Do you?” Suzaku asks coolly.
“Of course not. We did plenty of unforgivable things, both of us, knowing we’d have to pay for them. We shouldn’t even be having this conversation - yet here we are.”
“Yet here we are,” Suzaku agrees absently.
Lelouch gets up, going to the two metal cases stacked next to the door. He picks up the top one and brings it over to Suzaku.
“Ohgi dropped these off about half an hour ago,” he says, opening it. “For you and Kallen.”
Suzaku looks at the pilot suit folded inside; navy and white with gold detail. It… looks very much like…
“I’m surprised, too,” Lelouch says, observing his silence. “I didn’t think they’d model it so closely to the Knight of Zero uniform.” He bites his bottom lip. “...You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to.”
Suzaku reaches in, running his fingers over it. “I have to wear something, don’t I?”
“The clothes from yesterday will be alright if–”
“It’s fine.” Suzaku takes the case. “I’ll wear it.” He looks up at Lelouch. “If you’re Zero again, even if it’s only for a little while… then that makes me the Knight of Zero, doesn’t it?”
Lelouch raises his eyebrows. “I suppose so.”
Suzaku nods, taking the case to the bed. He takes the uniform out and pulls it on over his scrapes and bruises, zipping it up to his throat. It’s been a long time since he’s worn one of these. He’s kind of glad there’s no mirror - he knows how much it looks like the uniform of the Traitor Knight. He hopes Lelouch won’t compliment him.
“I’m going on ahead,” he says, approaching the desk again. Lelouch is busy with his maps once more.
“Alright. I’ll send the exact coordinates to the Lancelot.” Lelouch looks up at him. “You look–”
“Don’t.”
“...I was going to say ‘uncomfortable’.”
“It’s just one mission,” Suzaku says. “I’m doing this for Nunnally.”
“I know. I appreciate it, Suzaku. I know we’ll prevail today.” Lelouch gets up, closing the laptop. “We make miracles together, after all.”
He’s so close. Suzaku takes him by the cravat and pulls him into a crushing kiss, one that Lelouch doesn’t fight. They stand together for a long moment, time - as before, on that final morning - freezing around them, crystallizing into despair. It can’t be held, it melts, it runs, it gets away from them.
Suzaku breaks the kiss. Now he is the one to say it. “I have to go.”
Lelouch nods his understanding. “Good luck. I’m counting on you.”
They part with a final brush of hands, their little fingers tangling, and then Suzaku walks out. Now he understands why Lelouch did not look back.
The Knightmare frames stand in silent lines like soldiers awaiting orders. In the early morning light, clear and golden, they gleam with polished perfection, untouched. This is like a dream he has had many times since that day, finding the Lancelot rebuilt, waiting for him. Sometimes Euphemia is waiting for him, too; but, more often, it’s Lelouch in white and gold with emerald gems. Suzaku always meant to say that to him - You look like my Lancelot - but could never bring himself to. He’d wanted to keep his killing machines apart as long as he could. Now he has no choice.
C.C. approaches him from behind as he stands looking up at it.
“Here we are again, Suzaku Kururugi,” she says.
“Yeah,” Suzaku says. He doesn’t want to look at her. He’s never felt much towards her before, anger, jealousy, hatred - but now, suddenly, he feels resentment. “Why are you up here?”
“I’ll be joining Lelouch on the mission. I wanted to take a look at the Knightmare we’ll be using beforehand.”
Suzaku waves his hand vaguely. “It’s that big one over there.”
“Mm.” C.C. looks up at the Lancelot, too. “You’re getting everything you love back all at once.”
Suzaku clenches his fists. “What the hell do you know about what I love?”
“He spent the night with you.”
“So what if he did? Haven’t you had him all to yourself all this time?” Suzaku exhales deeply through his nose, forcing his temper back down. He’s not about to get into a petty lovesick schoolyard squabble with C.C. over Lelouch. After all they’ve done - all three of them - it seems nauseating to even entertain.
“I’m sorry things turned out this way,” C.C. says quietly. “...I know you love him. You don’t have to deny it.”
“It doesn’t matter now, does it?” Suzaku snaps.
“That doesn’t mean it never mattered.”
Suzaku sighs again, letting his fists loosen. “You knew he’d revive, didn’t you? Why didn’t you tell him?”
“He wanted to die.” C.C. shrugs. “That’s what he thought he deserved. Besides, Codes are… complex. You didn’t see him before we retrieved his memories from the World of C. He was alive but…”
“I’m glad I didn’t see him like that,” Suzaku says. “That’s what you get for messing with the order of things. Still… I’m not sure I entirely believe you. I don’t think it was just that you were selfish, that you couldn’t bear to live without him. I know you better than that.”
“What are you accusing me of?” C.C. asks coolly.
“I don’t know. I guess I just don’t trust you, even after all this time.”
C.C. smirks. “Rich coming from the Traitor Knight.” She tosses her hair over her shoulder. “Can’t say I blame you.” She starts past him to the large Knightmare Frame at the back of the rows.
“C.C.,” Suzaku says.
“Hm?” C.C. looks over her shoulder at him. “Yes, Knight of Zero?”
“Things are as they were, just for today,” Suzaku says. “I’m his sword. You’re his shield. Please protect him.”
“Don’t worry,” C.C. replies. “I’ll bring him back to you safe and sound.” She smiles. “After all, I already did.”
The table is covered in paper cranes. Suzaku, mask tucked under his arm, comes up behind Nunnally as she folds and folds.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Sayoko taught me to make these a long time ago,” Nunnally explains. She finishes one, moves it to the pile, takes a fresh piece of paper and begins again. “She told me that if you fold one thousand paper cranes, your wish will come true.”
“Oh.” Suzaku doesn’t need to ask what her wish is. “Yeah, that’s what they say.”
She looks up at him. Her eyes are not like Lelouch’s; they are wider, paler, more like her father’s, like Euphemia’s. The living and the dead are both in her.
Suzaku puts his mask aside and pulls out the chair next to her. “I’m good at making these,” he says. “Want me to help you?”
Nunnally pushes a piece of paper towards him. “Yes, please.”
.
The sky fills up with stars that fall. C.C. holds out her hands and declares them fragments of Geass; of a wish that goes back beyond the beginning of history. Suzaku watches her, understands her. They are not so different in the end. They are both afraid of being lonely.
Suzaku waits on the windowsill, Zero folded up next to him. The empty mask looks back at him, distorting his reflection whenever he moves. He’ll have to wear it again the moment Lelouch is gone, go back to being nothing, having nothing.
“You could stay here with us,” Nunnally says. “You could live with Suzaku and I. We could be happy again.”
Suzaku tips his head back and doesn’t listen to the reply. He knows what Lelouch will say. He knows he’s right. You don’t get to make the choices they did and then have a happy ending.
Lelouch emerges from the room. He’s in just a shirt and plain pants, looking so normal it’s almost alarming.
“Nunnally wants to stay by the window for a little while,” he says.
“Alright.” Suzaku looks at the folded clothes next to him again. “I’ll get changed soon. We should head back to Britannia.”
Lelouch nods. “Thank you for taking care of her.” He looks aside. “She told me how much you’ve… well. She’s needed you.”
“Yeah,” Suzaku says. “I’ve needed her, too.”
“Where is C.C.?”
“She was outside last time I saw her.”
“Ugh.” Lelouch rolls his eyes. “I bet she’s going to try and leave without me.”
Suzaku blinks. “Why would she do that?”
“Because she feels guilty.”
“Did she tell you that?”
Lelouch snorts. “Of course not. As if she would ever give me an honest answer. I can just tell.” He shrugs. “Maybe that’s really why she brought me back. But… it can’t be undone.”
Suzaku exhales. “Guess not.”
Lelouch comes to the windowsill and sits next to him. Well. Almost. The folded blue-and-gold clothes, crowned by the mask, are between them.
“That woman we were dealing with yesterday,” Lelouch says. “Princess Shamna. She had a Geass.”
“Yeah, I heard. What was it?”
“An interesting one, I’ll admit. When she was killed, her consciousness went back six hours. Her prophecies weren’t visions. She knew the future because she’d already lived it.”
“Oh.” Suzaku frowns. “So what did she want with Nunnally?”
“She just wanted access to the World of C. As Charles’ daughter, Nunnally was the closest link she could get.” Lelouch gives a dismissive wave of his hand. “C.C. and I dealt with her - just as you dealt with King Shalio.”
“I was in a life-or-death situation,” Suzaku says without expression. “Didn’t really have much choice.”
Lelouch opens his mouth and then seems to think better of it. Instead he reaches over the mask and puts his hand on top of Suzaku’s. Their fingers entangle tightly but Suzaku looks at the floor.
“She asked me if I would change it,” Lelouch says at last. “If I could go back to the start… She knew about me. She knew who I was, what I’ve done. She knew I have regrets.”
“It’s not possible,” Suzaku says. He has to say this. To think about the alternative is…
“Of course it’s not possible. She was chasing a fool’s wish.”
Suzaku clutches his hand tighter. “Would you, though? If… if it was possible?”
“I told Shamna I wouldn’t,” Lelouch says. “...Maybe I was lying.”
They sit in silence for a while, the sun beaming in over their backs. That final moment looms closer and closer, sand piling up between them. Suzaku doesn’t know if he has the strength a second time.
“Will you go with C.C.?” he asks, quiet, stalling.
“I have to,” Lelouch says. “There’s no place for me here anymore. Lelouch vi Britannia is dead.”
“So is Kururugi Suzaku.”
“I know. I’m the one who killed him.” Lelouch looks at him. “Suzaku…”
“I’m not asking to come with you, don’t worry,” Suzaku says. “I know I need to stay here. I gave you my word, after all.” He shrugs. “Besides, I might be unkillable but I’m not immortal.”
“Mm.” Lelouch smiles sourly. “There’s something ironic about C.C. dealing me the exact same hand she was trying to escape, isn’t there?”
“At least now she won’t be alone,” Suzaku says.
“Suzaku, you won’t be alone, either.”
Suzaku looks at him. “That’s a lie.”
Lelouch exhales, smiling weakly. “Yeah, I guess that’s a lie. I can’t help myself.”
“It’s okay. You’ve already given everything you can.” Suzaku stands up, bringing Lelouch with him. “I can’t ask you for much else.”
“This isn’t goodbye forever, Suzaku,” Lelouch says softly. “Not this time.”
“It wasn’t last time, either.” Suzaku lets his eyes drop to the outstretched scarlet mark at the base of Lelouch’s throat. “...Geass really is like wishes.”
He pulls Lelouch in, finally pressing his mouth to the mark. It tastes exactly like the rest of him. Lelouch puts his hands in his hair, holding him close. Suzaku raises his face, kissing him, and for a moment - that moment, that morning - it’s just them and what they had, what they’ll never have. At least, in this, they are together.
Suzaku breaks the kiss, pressing his forehead to his, savoring him a moment longer. Lelouch says nothing, holding on. Suzaku opens his eyes, meeting ultra-violet, ultra-violent, the only color his world should be. Then–
Out of the corner of his eye, through the window, he sees the flash of green as C.C. walks past, all her worldly belongings on her back.
“She’s going without you,” he says quietly. He finds himself smiling.
“That selfish witch,” Lelouch replies without malice. “I knew it.” He kisses him one last time before breaking away. “I have to go.”
“I know.” Suzaku releases his hand and lets him go, feeling him trail his fingers through his own. “Goodbye, Lelouch.”
Lelouch stops at the door, turning back. “Goodbye, Suzaku.”
It hurts more than he thought it would. Suzaku sinks back onto the windowsill as Lelouch disappears around the doorframe. He gazes at the space where he was, daylight flooding in and filling it up like he was never there. The world turns over, made anew.
He wishes he hadn’t looked back.