Archive of Our Own ^beta

            It was 7:30 in the morning and Neil and Todd were eating breakfast together in their New York apartment. Grey light was coming in through the open curtains and making the beige walls look a little sickly. The snow was coming down fast, and Neil frowned at the thick snowflakes flying past the window that he was dreading going out into for the weeks to come. He checked the weather earlier, and it was supposed to be especially cold. Lots of coats and gloves to come.

            Todd was up this early for his job as a high-school English teacher, but Neil liked spending as much time with him as possible, so they ate together like this on weekdays, and Neil usually went back to bed after his husband left. He stared lovingly at the other man who was eating toast with various things on top, the same thing he'd had for breakfast almost every single day since he was 18, he told Neil once. 

            "What, am I that handsome at 7 in the morning?" Todd smiled sleepily, catching his eye. The dirty blonde hair on the right of his head was jutting out in all directions from being slept on for the past seven hours. He was still in his pajamas. 

            "Absolutely." Neil put his hand on Todd’s shaking leg. It steadied him for a second, but he returned to tapping his foot when one of those 1950s doo-wop songs he loved came quietly through the tiny speaker on the kitchen counter a few feet away. It was probably Frankie Lymon, but it was hard to tell. "Can you believe we've been married for six years today? I feel so old."

            "You're 27, Neil. Not quite decaying yet." Todd stirred his cup of tea and stared absent-mindedly into it. "But it is weird to think that we've been together longer than my niece has been alive."

            "I remember having this exact conversation at Christmas when you talked to Jeff, and our anniversary last year. And the many years before that." Neil finished his mug of coffee. Jeff’s daughter was five years old and looked exactly like her mother. Todd and his brother still didn't talk much, but in his adulthood, Todd decided that it was his parents he should be upset with, not his brother that had no willing part of it. They join families for Christmas and thanksgiving, and call each other for birthdays. 

            "Well, I'm sure we'll have it next year, too." Todd got up and put his dishes in the sink, looking out the window. “Fuckin’ cold.” He mumbled to himself and rubbed his bare arm. He shuffled into the hallway, Neil trailing behind.

            "Could you not, just spitballing here, take the day off, and your clothes, and hop back into bed with me?" Neil wiggled his eyebrows and closed the door of their bedroom. It was the only carpeted part of their home, and also the warmest. It was a small room, and their queen bed had a thick quilt with an aggressively 70s pattern that his mother mailed to him as a wedding present. His grandmother made it, and it still kind of smelled like her house even though she had been dead for fifteen years. 

            "Darling," Todd replied, pulling on a pair of jeans. "It's Friday. I come home early. You can wait until noon."

            Neil came up behind Todd and wrapped his arms around his waist, resting his head into where his neck meets his shoulder. Todd’s belt buckle clacked while he pulled it through his belt loops. "But I'll have no one to read my new script to. So boring." Neil got the part in a stage production whose readings would start in a couple days, and was very excited about it.

            "Read it to the cat, then. Or at Charlie's party tomorrow." Todd pulled out a white button up and a thick sweater from the closet.

            "Those hooligans just don't appreciate the art of theatre like Winnie does." Neil mumbled into his neck and Todd rested his head against his husband’s. 

            "She's a cat. She's enraptured because you move your hands while you read like you're flagging down a plane. She doesn't even know what a soliloquy is." Todd moved away for a moment to pull the cable knit sweater over his head. 

            Neil feigned being hurt, putting a shaky hand over his heart and dropped onto their yellow quilted bed. "A scathing criticism, Theodore! I could be flagging down a helicopter, thank you."

            "Theodore?" Todd let out a surprised laugh. "You never call me that . Did I truly wound you?" Only his dad and Charlie called him Theodore. Sometimes he even forgot to write it on legal paperwork. 

            "Not really. I am almost an Oscar winning actor, you know." Neil was not. His most recent movie was a real blockbuster from a well known director, and he was in a pretty popular drama a few years ago, but his first two movies after acting school weren't even played outside of local theatres. He was pretty proud of himself. 

            "Do they even let romances on the nominee sheet?" Todd mused, tucking his shirt in.

            "I don't think me kissing a girl for thirty percent of the screen time really counts as masterful cinema." Neil got up again and paced around the room.

            "I would think so. I forgot you were gay for a little while." Todd said sarcastically. 

            Neil laughed. "Dumb." He mumbled, brushing Todd's hair out of his face. He always complained about needing a haircut, but Neil thought the floppy bangs looked nice.

            "Don't you have that interview tomorrow?" Todd asked, checking the clock to make sure he was on schedule.

            "Sunday, but yeah. I'm kind of nervous. First one of the year." Neil's movie had come out a week ago and all the poets came over and watched it on their couch. They saw every single thing he was in. It warmed his heart.

            Todd made a dismissive noise at him. "You'll be perfect. I know it. You're charismatic and smart, you know what you’re talking about, and you won't say anything embarrassing." 

            "Yeah, yeah. You flatter me." Neil grinned, looking at the floor.

            Todd stole a few kisses and a sneaky hand grabbed his ass. "Okay, I gotta go now. I love you so very much and happy six years, my amazing husband."

            "Love you too. Go teach those kids so much literature they go crazy."

            "Will do. See you soon, darling." And with that, Todd grabbed his coat and bag, and was gone.

            Their cat, who had all varieties of nicknames like Kitty, Winnie, Miss Girl, Baby, and Beep (courtesy of Charlie, "because that's the sound it makes!"), was rubbing her face on Neil's legs. He picked her up and scratched her head.

            He was going to do something fun with Todd today, although what it was going to entail was still left to be decided. After he'd done some laundry. And watered the plants. And washed the dishes.

            It was a year or so into their living together and trudging through college when, after a long night of drinking and movies, at about 1 AM, Todd announced he wanted a cat.

            "Now?" Pitts asked, the least (but still quite) drunk of the guys.

            "Uh… I'm not sure if we should really get one. They're like… expensive." Neil said, searching for the right word as he tried not to spill his very full glass of orange juice and vodka. It was good, but the goal was to get plastered.

            "You heartless monster, Neil." Charlie piped in from his place on the floor. He almost puked a couple minutes ago so he was lying on his back with his eyes shut tight, trying not to ruin the carpet.

            "They need a home! And my job pays pretty okay, and- and- and you're doing that big play next week..." Todd pulled up a previously saved shelter homepage, shoving a picture of a black cat in his boyfriend's face. "Her name is Winnifred and she's been there for five years." He looked on the verge of tears.

            "Wh-"

            Todd interrupted Neil. "Please? It'll be so perfect."

            "Okay, fine. Let's get her then. Happy early birthday, Todd." Neil caved in. He wanted his boyfriend to be happy, and It wouldn't be too bad having a pet, there would just need to be a lot more vacuuming. 

            Todd gave Neil a drunken kiss, grabbing his face with both hands. "God, I love you."

            "What- shh!" Meeks waved his hands at the two of them. He was the only one actually enjoying the weird soap opera on at this ungodly hour. Pitts was sitting perpendicular to him, long legs over his lap, just about to kick over the drink in his hands. "Samantha's just about to find out who the real dad of her fucking kid is, and you don't have any subtitles on your shitty TV. I'm struggling to understand."

            "I think it's Jerry McJerryson. He's totally sexy." Pitts laughed. There was no character named that and he wasn't even watching. He was bogarting the bowl of pretzels left over from the party snack bag and reading something on his phone.

            "We got the TV for free. Of course it sucks ass." Neil said, now slumped comfortably over his boyfriend, who was still looking at cats and grinning.

            "Nah. The dad's Mark. That guy just got out of jail!" Cameron responded, trying to sneak a pretzel, but was unable to reach from his place across the coffee table. He had the blanket across his shoulders and didn't actually want to move.

            "It takes nine months for a baby. Jail can be shorter than that." Pitts was now playing a video on his phone.

            Now it was Knox's turn to speak. "I think I'm allergic to cats." He was a participant in the ‘who can get drunk faster contest’ and won. He was currently eating four plain slices of bread.

            "Knoxious. Are you not an adult? It's so childish to have allergies." Charlie scoffed.

            "Did the man who only eats stupid… stupid fruity pebbles for breakfast just call me childish?" Knox rebutted, lazily kicking Charlie where he could reach.

            "I do not! I only did that when we were still roommates. Now sometimes when I'm late for work I just go, fuck it, and make a full thing." Charlie opened his eyes and tried to sit up, obviously regretting it right away, because he slowly lowered himself back down. He had stepped into his father's job as a banker high up on the food chain the minute he turned 20, which was good timing because about a month later, he died. Charlie hated the job, but it was comfortable. "Might as well be double late. More splendiferous like that."

            "You should invite me on double late day." Neil spoke up. "But only if you make the most splendiferous-estest pancakes." Todd laughed. The thought of a nice breakfast right about now made Neil hungry. It was technically morning, after all.

            "Do you guys please wanna watch a Seinfeld rerun instead of this weird… shit..?" Knox said, finally looking at the laughable crossfades of a woman with a shocked face to a man with a stoic frown on TV. 

            "No fucking way!" Meeks said what everyone else was thinking.

            A few days later after Todd stressed about having the perfect toys and food and tree, they went to see that little black cat, Winnifred, and took her home.

            The door opened and Todd stepped in, shaking the snow off of his coat. "I'm back!" He called, trying not to let the cat escape.

            "Hello, sweetheart! You're so late, I can't believe you would do this to me." Neil joked, heading over to the front door and putting a present for the other man in his pocket.

            "I got some scones, so I hope you'll forgive me for being 10 minutes late." Todd had a brown paper bag that looked very full. His eyebrows still had snowflakes in them. He looked like an angel, with his flushed complexion from the cold and specks of white covering him, and a love song playing on the radio. 

            "Thank you, baby." Neil said, kissing his cold husband quickly and taking the bag from him so he could take his boots off. They were tracking snow on the entrance mat and making every sock that passed by it in the next 30 hours a little wet. The scones were strawberry, Todd's favourite. "How was work?"

            "I wish I'd been a gym teacher or something. I had to watch the same movie five times today. I mean, Romeo and Juliet is a good story, but it becomes incredibly annoying." Todd sat on their couch and pulled his laptop out of the brown bag he carried with him to school, but Neil sat next to him, throwing his legs over Todd before he could put his computer there. 

            Neil laughed. "I think I still remember all of Romeo’s lines. But soft! What light through yonder window-" 

            "Please," Todd interrupted in playful distress. "You aren't allowed to be annoying on our anniversary."

            "Okay, okay." Neil fished the little present out of his pocket and put it in Todd's hands. "For your troubles." 

            "Darling," The present was a blue notebook about the size of his hand, containing all the poems Todd had said he had loved in the past year that Neil wrote down in it. There was a red ribbon tied around it, but only because Neil didn't know where any wrapping paper was. "This is adorable! Thank you." Neil loved the way Todd's eyes crinkled when he smiled. He held the book to his heart.

            "You love lots of poems about oranges, by the way. There are like five in there." 

            “I’m going to take it to school and force all my kids to read it.” Todd realised he hadn't brought Neil’s present yet. "Wait! I got you-" He got up and ran to his coat hanging up and got something from it. "This. For tonight." He handed Neil two tickets (that he printed out) to a movie they were both excited to see. "And afterwards we're going to that fancy restaurant with- uh, the lamps everywhere? Remember?"

            "Yeah! The place where Cam worked for like a week.” In Cameron's first year of university he got hired there but quit almost immediately because he loathed the people who ate there. “Thank you, baby. I’m excited for tonight, then.” 

            They told each other to not do anything big this year, but they were both romantics. They were at least going out somewhere nice. Neil laid down in Todd's lap, looking up at him. It was a funny angle, but comfortable. Todd's hand rested on his chest and the other toyed with his hair, twirling the short part above his ears around his finger.

            "God, I'm so in love with you." Neil sighed. “Absolutely enthralled by you. Captivated.” 

            “Vocabulary.” Todd smiled warmly, raising his eyebrows. He was the most beautiful man to ever exist, probably. Neil could swear that wherever he went, there was a golden light that radiated from him, drowning everything else out. The world could be a lovecraftian nightmare void, but if his husband was there, Neil would be perfectly fine. Hell, he was his whole world already, so he wouldn't even notice if there was a difference.

            “We should spiderman kiss.” Neil suggested. Todd humoured him and leaned down, nose bumping into his chin, and Neil felt him shaking underneath him with a silent giggle. Being upside-down wasn't a very practical way to do things. 

            That night, they would stay up into the early hours of the morning and wax poetic. Todd would use flowery adjectives and compare him to some celestial body and Neil would try not to cry. Once Todd was asleep he would write down as much as he could remember so he would have it forever.

            But for now, all Neil could think of was his husband’s recently acquired tired eyes, his wobbly laugh and how it could be heard over anyone else in the room even if he was barely audible and everyone was screaming at eachother, how he watched movies over and over again, talking constantly about the colours and outfits and cinematography- a thing not really possible in books. 

            He loved when Todd made up songs while he was in the shower, slow and sweet, but only because he loved that croon-ey Ritchie Valens style of music so much. He always had to be doing something with his hands, which normally consisted of absent-mindedly touching Neil in some way, but he liked it. It was such a common occurrence that when Todd was away, Neil missed it dearly.

            He made bread on Sunday morning so they could eat sandwiches at the park for lunch in the summer, and he was 15 minutes early to everything because he would honestly rather never show up at all than be late. 

            Neil just thanked whatever God was up there that he was alive. That he missed. And that he was here, in the arms of someone who made him the happiest he had ever been.

            After a nice dinner date, the two young men went back to Neil's apartment. It was the same one they were living in, seven years later. They couldn't bear to leave the tiny apartment that still kind of smelled like cigarettes (Neil also gave up smoking seven years ago), even if they could now afford something better and slightly bigger.

            The two of them burst into the bedroom, stopping and pressing against the doorframe, lips and bodies interlocked with each other in a post-trying to be polite frenzy. Neil threw his glasses on the nightstand without looking, and Todd’s hand was dipping under the waist of Neil's jeans, thumb running over the V shape of his narrow hip bones. Todd’s breath was hot against his face as they pulled apart, if only for a moment to catch their breath. 

            They moved on to Neil’s then twin-sized bed which was very neatly made in preparation for Todd coming over. Neil was on his knees overtop of the other man, straddling his hips and kissing up his neck, nipping the underside of his jaw by his ear. That earned a soft groan from Todd, who was creeping Neil’s shirt up his back. Once it was pulled off, Todd placed his hands on the other’s hips and paused suddenly.

            "Oh-" He said, raising his eyebrows. "Sorry, I- I- sorry." He looked away from Neil for a moment.

            He knew Todd saw the large scar on his left shoulder.

            "You're not stealthy." Neil smiled and planted a few more kisses on his jaw. "I can see where you're looking."

            "Sorry, sorry." Todd turned red and recoiled a bit. "That was shitty of me. Sorry."

            "It's fine. Don't be sorry." Neil said, not wanting to distract from their about to bone atmosphere. It was the first time anyone's seen it fully healed. He knew eventually, Todd would look at the circle of scar tissue and how the muscle sort of caved in around it.

            "Would you mind if I asked…" Todd paused. "What- what happened?"

            "Okay." Neil sighed, sitting up straight and looking down at him. "Remember when I told you that my father was going to send me to military school? I thought I would rather die than do that, so..." He gestured to the bullet wound. "It fucked up the nerves in my hand, too."

            Todd frowned. "God, I'm so sorry. That's horrible." He paused, looking at it even further. They didn't go to the same high school, but Neil had told his partner about all the shit that happened to him. He told him about the scar on his forearm, from wrist to inner elbow, that he also carried with him from a second attempt. He spoke of how December was a weird time for him, his father and how he ran away to go to acting school, and how being 17 was the worst time in his whole entire fucking life. 

            But Todd had never known why Neil only used his right hand to touch his face or hold his hand before. It was sad that he was so conscious of it.

            "Two suicide attempts and a shit ton of therapy, but I'm- I'm better now." Neil gave a weak smile.

            "I'm glad." Todd pulled Neil closer and kissed him again and again. "If you did something stupid like that now, I would be so pissed off at you. I love you too much."

            Neil was still giddy over those three words. It had been a few days since they first said I love you, but the novelty had never worn off. "I love you too. So much." 

            Todd continued to lie underneath him, half naked and hot as ever. He scratched the side of his nose.

            "Since we're already here, you wanna keep going?" Neil suggested after a moment of silence, raising an eyebrow. "No use to waste a perfectly good boner."

            "Oh, thank god," Todd laughed quietly, returning to taking his pants off. "I'm glad you said something because I thought it would be weird to ask."

            "Hey guys!" Charlie greeted the two as they walked in through his front door. He had a relatively large house with an erratic interior. Nothing was ever where it was the day before and it always smelt like candles.

            "It's been far too long since a dead poets society meeting." He said as he hugged them both. 

            "It's been a month." Neil replied, patting his best friend on the back and looking at Todd with a face that said "this guy's crazy", Todd chuckled and rolled his eyes. 

            "Are we the first ones here?" The blonde asked. He held the book of 18-19th century poems that they had been reading from for years.

            "What? Of course. It starts at 6:00 and you're here at 4:45. I haven't even started making dinner yet." Charlie gestured around to the very empty house.

            “We brought wine,” Neil put the bottle down on the nearest table. “And tin cookies, but Todd ate most of them in the car.”

            Todd frowned. “Neil!”

            “Sorry, my love.” He said quietly to his husband, taking his free hand. "Todd ate maybe a quarter of them in the car."

            They sat for a while, chatting around the kitchen table as Charlie made dinner. He was good at cooking and didn't mind making enough for six extra people. 

            “Where’s Izzy?” Todd asked between sips of the wine they brought. They were asked to babysit Charlie’s daughter once in a while, and they adored her.

            “She and Celeste are at her friend’s house. They'll be back at eight, so don’t get too drunk.” Charlie pointed the ladle at Neil, who put his hands up defensively. 

            It was a surprise when Charlie and Celeste got married. They had broken up and got back together so many times that when she got pregnant a couple years ago, he decided that that shit was not working anymore and married her. They certainly loved each other, but once Neil walked in on him and Knox making out in his bathroom maybe a month after the wedding, married friend and married friend. Neil just closed his eyes and walked the other direction, deciding that that was not his problem to sort out. He and Todd did laugh in private about how messy their friends were later. 

            There was a knock on the door. Charlie got up to answer and the sounds of Meeks and Pitts could be heard from the hallway. They lived the furthest away of all the poets, so they were always either late or early as hell, depending on the traffic.

            “Hey! What’s up boys?” Pitts greeted Todd and Neil, hugging them both. Meeks did the same.

            “Sorry about being so early, we wanted to not be late for once in our lives, so we left way before usual. It was apparently too early.” Meeks wiped the condensation off of his glasses on the hem of his shirt. 

            “You’re never too early. The Anderson-Perry party got here a fucking hour ago.” Charlie took out two extra wine glasses from a cupboard and put them on the counter.

            “Smells good. What’s cooking?” Pitts bent over the pot, trying not to let his flannel overshirt dip into the soup. 

            The poets were all very different people now then they were in their teenage years. Ever since Gerard has had control over his haircuts, he's let it grow out quite a lot. He sometimes complains about it being the perfect length to be annoying and too short to put up. Though, the only big change about Meeks was that he didn't have tortoiseshell glasses anymore, but thin gold frames. It was still a shock to see.

            “It’s squash, bitches.” Charlie smiled smugly. He was very much not the same person he was 6 years ago. He used to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day and stay out all night, now he takes his toddler to playdates and has a full time job. Funny, how things change like that.

            Next was Cameron’s turn to arrive exactly at 6:00, and Knox showed up 25 minutes late with an iced coffee in the dead of winter. 

            “So, who wants to go first? Todd, have you written anything new since last time?” Meeks asked once they all gathered in a circle in the living room and Neil recited their traditional opening passage by Thoreau.

            “No, I've been a little too busy to write these days. Work is kicking my ass.” Todd put his feet up on the coffee table from his place on the couch. He was trying to write enough poetry to fill a book with, but he wanted them all to be perfect, so it was taking a while. Neil put his hand over Todd’s. 

            Knox volunteered to read first, picking a poem about birds with some heavy metaphors that Neil didn't bother to analyse. Todd leaned over and whispered into his ear, trying not to interrupt their friend. 

            "My love, you gotta start putting lotion on your hands, You're turning into the fuckin' lizard from spiderman." Neil’s shoulders shook with suppressed laughter. A student must have told Todd about that, because he didn’t know shit about shit in the superhero world. They once watched a Fantastic Four movie and the whole time Todd was asking about how The Beatles were involved in this.

            Knox was finished speaking and the group applauded.

            Meeks chose a sweet gay poem, as he often did, with lots of words in Latin, whom of which he could only understand. They took Latin at Welton, of course, but nobody remembered it except Meeks. It was called a dead language for a reason, right? 

            Cameron chose one in Shakespearean English that was far too long for a meeting, but everyone enjoyed it nonetheless. Neil loved when someone would bring a solid paragraph of text that needed to be acted to be understood. 

            When Charlie’s wife came home he got up to put his already half asleep kid to bed. The rest of the poets tried to be a little calmer when they said their goodnights to the girls, who were already out of sight. Celeste’s voice could be heard reading a book in another room, Charlie butting in every so often with sound effects. Her French accent was getting fainter over the years. When they returned a while later, Charlie had a dark smudge of lipstick on his face that was haphazardly wiped away.

            “Hello and goodnight all.” She said, pouring herself a glass of wine. Her hair was long and blonde and falling over her shoulders. “Have fun. Don’t be too loud and wake Isabel or I will kill all of you.” 

            Everyone begged her to stay as she walked away down the hall once again. She never read on the rare occurrence that she sat in on the meetings, but she was quick witted and poked fun at everyone, which was incredibly entertaining. Charlie sat back down with a happy sigh. 

            “You forgot some lipstick on your neck, whore.” Meeks pointed out.

            "Okay, fuck. Slutshamer." Charlie joked, wiping at it with the heel of his hand. It did absolutely nothing. 

            “Alright. Who's going next?" Knox changed the subject, clapping his hands on his knees. "I want to hear some poems that make me lose my shit tonight. Charlie? You got a good one?"

            “I’m not reading tonight.” Charlie’s statement prompted boos from the rest of the poets. “We're running out of cool poems In the book." To be fair, they had read almost every poem in it many times over. A few of them the whole group knew by heart and just kept repeating, they loved them so much.

            "Google some." Cameron said, showing him the pdf open on his phone and gesturing to it. "We’ve been doing it for years."

            Charlie furrowed his eyebrows. "I can't believe I didn't think of that. Someone go next while I scour the internet for something lame."

            Cameron shook his head, everyone laughing at their friend’s stupidity. 

            They continued like this for hours, taking turns reading and joking and eating. Celeste came in every once in a while to get something or tell them to be quiet or have a quick conversation with Todd, (her sister was in high school back in France and she found the differences between countries interesting.) and went right back to where she was before. Pitts always tried to weigh in on their conversation, but he really had nothing to say except for the same twelve stories about Hell-ton that they had been telling for years.

            Todd read one of his older poems, the best one in Neil’s opinion. It was very obvious (to him) that it was about their life together and one of the biggest fights they had ever had, but it was well written and everyone else loved it, too. They were all incredibly proud of him. And he deserved it.

            Todd’s parents had called a few hours ago to announce that they wouldn't be coming to their son’s wedding. They “disagreed with his life choices and wished that he would realise what he was doing, so that he would be rid of this silly little fling before he got hurt.” Todd hadn't expected them to come, but he thought they would skirt around the why, like they always did. This was worse. He knew they were young, just barely adults, as his father said, but they were sure. Incredibly sure.

            Todd felt nothing but tired. Tired of the constant shit he had to put up with. 

            He shoo-ed Neil away for every phone call he had with his parents because they would be passive aggressive and horrible, and Neil would get mad for him. But this unexpected call was an extreme case.

            “I- I- I- I can't just cut them out of my life.” Todd’s stutter came back when he was upset, which only upset him more.

            “I’m not saying that. I’m saying that I can't stand it when they speak to you like that.” Neil paced the kitchen, hands on his hips. Todd was hovering by the entranceway next to their somewhat defunct landline. The kitchen was the worst place to argue. The kitchen was for soup and kissing and pasta and slow dancing, not whatever this was.

            “What do you want me to do then? Wh- what could I even do?” Todd leaned his head back against the wall with a soft thunk, face turning up to the ceiling.

            “I don't know, okay. But stop giving a fuck about them. They obviously don’t care about you like you care about them.” Neil threw his hands in the air. He had to realize this about his own family, and it took him many long years of hurting to figure it out, and he did not want the love of his life to go through the same thing.

            “Neil.” Todd stood up straight. He only said his name like that when he had fucked up. But he knew that he was in the right, even if it was a terrible thing to say. 

            “I’m sorry, but it’s true, Todd. Fuck them.”

            “I- I’m not like you. Sure, my parents think i’m a failure, but they're still my fucking parents. I can’t- I can't just run away and be mad at them forever.” Now it was Todd's turn to pace around. Neil saw his mouth move and knew he was biting the inside of his lip. Sometimes he subconsciously did it so much that things would taste like pennies for a couple hours.

            “They’ve been making you feel like shit since you were a kid, and you deserve better than that! Babe I-” Neil could tell that this was going downhill. He was suddenly hit with a wave of consciousness. This was their first big argument. Three months before their wedding. 

            “Don’t. Don't ‘babe’ me right now.” Todd interrupted, exasperated and exhausted. “And stop telling me how to feel about my own family. It’s not-” He paused, exhaling sharply. “You’re being a dick.”

            “I’m so sorry, Todd. I hate that you let them treat you like shit. I don't care that they aren't coming to the wedding, I just don't want them to make you feel like this anymore.”

            “I- I- I just go straight through you, don't I?” Todd was biting his lip again. Neil wanted to tell him to stop, but he had already walked into their little office and shut the door behind him.

            Neil felt horrible. This was not how he wanted this to go. He wasn't even sure why he started this. Seeing Todd upset was the worst thing in the world. He sank to the couch and buried his face in his hands. What the hell was he thinking? He prayed Todd still wanted to get married after this. Maybe he wouldn't. Maybe Neil was being irrational. He cursed himself for being such an idiot. He sighed deeply. 

            He needed to apologise, but he knew Todd needed a while by himself. Neil had caused too much damage for one day. 

            He left the house to buy chocolates and flowers and figured that was a good place to start. When he got back, the apartment was completely silent. He knew Todd was crying. He was always a quiet person. He laughed and spoke loudly, but hardly made any noise around the house, walking around, in bed, during panic attacks, or when he was crying. It was so ingrained in him to keep his feelings to himself.

            Neil figured his fiancée had to come out sometime, so he sat on the couch with the gifts in hand, waiting. He wanted to leave, to walk out the door and spend the night at Charlie’s and never hurt Todd again. But that was unrealistic. He had to stay. He had to at least try and fix things.

            It felt like ten years passed by before Todd finally came out for good. His eyes were red and he shakily exhaled when he saw Neil. He walked to the kitchen. Neil decided it would be best not to force anything. 

            He heard the water running. A cupboard opened, then another. A bag rustled. They were shut. The toaster went.

            Neil closed his eyes and when he opened them, Todd was standing in front of him with a bagel. 

            "I don't forgive you." He said softly, looking down at the floor.

            That was okay with Neil. He was just glad Todd was willing to talk to him again.

            "My love, my world, my everything." The guilt was eating at Neil. He stood. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking, I'm so sorry."

            Todd sniffled, unmoving. "I still love you, but you didn't have to do that to me. That was- it was cruel- to do that. Already, my parents were- and you-" He sighed, giving up on the sentence. Neil got the message.

            "Todd, I don't expect you to forgive me." Neil put the flowers down and took a half-step closer. Todd put his plate down. "I was being horrible, and I know that now. Fuck, I knew it the second after I said it. I don't know what I can do or say to make it better, or if I ever can, but I'm so sorry. I really mean it."

            "I still can't believe my parents won't come to our wedding." Todd ran his hand through his hair, sweeping his short bangs out of his face.

            "I didn't even invite my parents, so now we can say as many swear words as we want." Neil tried to lighten the mood a bit. He prayed it wouldn't be the direct foot to mouth pipeline as it was before. The corners of Todd's mouth twitched upwards in the faintest smile. 

            "At least Jeff's still coming." Todd sat on the couch, brushing past Neil and grabbing his bagel again.

            "At least Jeff's still coming." Neil repeated, sitting next to him and putting a hand on his thigh. "And all the poets."

            "Our family." Todd's smile grew a little, but that deep sadness was still in his eyes. He stared out the window at the darkening sky. It wasn't quite sunset yet.

            It was a weird night. Todd wrote poem after poem after poem that Neil was not allowed to see and went to bed far after him. They didn't speak much to each other. 

            Sometimes Neil still has dreams about it. "I just go straight through you, don't I?" Playing on a loop as Todd slowly fades away from under his touch. Neil tries his hardest to make sure he's a better man now, that Todd doesn't argue with a wall. 

            Neil was in a blue suit that he'd found in the recesses of his closet, and now that he had been wearing it for half an hour, he was sure it was Todd's because there was a napkin in the pocket with a note to speak to Jameson, the other English teacher at Todd’s school. 

            He was sitting in a studio with the co-star of a recent movie he was in- a kind woman named Marigold with a heavy Brooklyn accent, and an interviewer with a plastic looking face and a grin that was slapped on. 

            Marigold kind of reminded him of Knox's sister. Her dark wavy hair and her thin, angular face were all quite similar to the Overstreet girl, but their main difference was in the eyes. Marigold had harsh green ones instead of dark brown and downturned. 

            Marigold was answering a question at the moment, something about how long it took to get the parts of town they were filming in to look era-appropriate. Neil was spacing out, spinning his wedding band back and forth on his finger.

            He snapped back to reality when the interviewer said his name.

            "So, Mr. Perry." He hated being called that. 

            "You've been in a few movies where you've made many women swoon, both in character and out." Neil nodded along, trying to prepare an answer for whatever weird setup this was. "And I see here that you've got a wedding ring on? Does the missus at home mind you going out and having all these ladies on the big screen, especially ones that you're so friendly with on set?" 

            Neil exchanged a knowing glance with his co-star and laughed. 

            "Oh my goodness." He scoffed, conscious of his swearing seeing as this was on TV. (and maybe his mom would be watching.) "The women I work with are all wonderful. I don't know why being kind to them would mean cheating." That was a stupid question. He was a friendly person, sure, but he was an actor. His job was to memorise and act out what was written on a stack of papers containing a fictional story. 

            "But to answer your question, my husband doesn't mind at all. He actually finds it quite funny."

            The interviewer's smile seemed to falter. It melted like a candle on his sweaty, pale face. He certainly wasn't expecting that.

            "Yeah, your man's even been on set a few times, hasn't he?" Marigold added. Neil nodded.

            "Yes, he has. And I'm sure he's watching this right now. Hi babe!" Neil waved to the camera and blew a kiss. He knew that Todd absolutely did not want to be seen in the public eye, even mentioning his name was not something he wanted, so they were very private about their relationship. So private, apparently, that they didn't even know he was a man until now.

            "Huh. So In your next movie, will it be a… different… uhm… other kind of romance?" The interviewer insinuated, going off script. He looked uncomfortable. It was an uncomfortable situation. God, fuck, just say gay, Neil thought.

            "No, no. No next movie. I'm going back to stage acting after this. I've been in four movies already. I've had my fifteen minutes, time to let somebody else have fun."

            The rest of the hour scraped slowly by and it was eventually time to leave. 

            "Good job out there." He said as he shook Marigold's hand with both of his.

            "Thanks. It was a weird one." She put her hair up in a scrunchie, pulling it out of her eyes. "Somehow far too personal and yet, so vague."

            "I agree. Like, why do they care that you gained weight? They should've asked about the costumes, at least."

            "Oh, the costumes." She sighed dreamily. "Why did you only wear brown and green? Why did I only wear yellow and blue? Why were you an era behind me? They'll never know." Marigold took a sip of her coffee, and so did Neil. He assumed hers was lukewarm too.

            "Todd kept half the clothes I got. He wears that corduroy jacket daily." Neil remembered, hardly exaggerating. One of the perks of having a partner with practically the same measurements as you. He also wanted a button-up for himself, but that one was forgotten about and sitting somewhere in the depths of their closet.

            "I'm glad it's not rotting in a warehouse somewhere. It looked too sexy on you." She winked and Neil made a blue steel face. They were both taken and had zero interest in each other, so there was no incoming disaster by playing along with her flirting. 

            “Did you get that call for an interview where we just play video games and talk for some internet show? I’m not sure if I want to do it or not. I will if you come, though.”

            “I did get the call, yeah. It sounds fun, but I might have to sit out on the game part.” Neil was horrible at video games, even before the ...incident. He liked watching movies better, anyways.

            “Why?” She answered her own question before Neil could even open his mouth. “Eh, whatever. I’ll play fucking donkey kong or whatever good enough for the both of us.” 

            He smiled and put his coat on. “I will only go if we play tetris.”

            "I'll bully them into playing tetris with us, then. I can fuck up some tetris." She laughed, and started to text someone on her phone.

            A couple hours passed after Neil got home, and he got a call.

            "You're quitting movies?" Charlie yelled through the phone.

            "Nice to see you too." Neil laughed.

            "Yes. Hi. But you're quitting movies?"

            "Yeah. I take it, you saw my interview just now?" 

            "It was hilarious. The look on that guy's face was priceless when Toddy boy came up. I was laughing my ass off.”

            “I try my best.” Neil smiled, bowing from his chair before he realised that Charlie couldn't see it.

             “But I can't believe you're quitting and didn't tell me about it!"

            "I figured you wouldn't care, that's why I didn't say anything." Charlie supported Neil through every decision he made, no matter how stupid it was. Especially if it was stupid.

            "I mean, I don't care, you're right, I just thought that movies were gonna be your thing now."

            "Nah. I liked the stage better, anyways. Less up close."

            "I know, I know. I also miss you up there. Plus, Hollywood has made me see you butt ass naked too many times." Charlie laughed. It sounded crunchy through the line.

            "Naked?" Neil asked incredulously, but laughing all the same. "It was only my back, you perv. They won't go any further because an unexplained bullet wound might make things confusing. And they can't write it out saying I was born with it, because no the fuck I wasn't."

            "Fortune favours the bold."

            “Thank you, thank you. It’s a talent.”

            Charlie could be heard clacking away on a keyboard. "Hey, don't tell Todd but do you know people on the internet have the hots for you?"

            "Weird thing to say, dude. But yeah, I guess, we have the medias and things."

            "So." Every time a Charlie story started with so, things were going to take a while. "I browse through anything and everything Neil Perry related because you're a bright shining star and I am obsessed with you, obviously. And recently people found a photo of everyone that Knox posted a long ass time ago. It was uh-" 

            There was a phone ringing on the other end, but it suddenly stopped. He continued.

            "I think it was at my rehearsal dinner, right?  And people noticed you in the corner, and they're running wild with the idea that you have glasses. And friends. It's so funny."

            "Great. Nice that they like me being able to see." Neil squinted in suspicion. "Aren't you at work right now?" He asked.

            "Yeah." He could hear the smile in Charlie's voice. "This is an important call, and it's not like they can fire me, anyways. Nepotism is the greatest gift a man can get."

            "If not, they would have fired you many years ago."

            "Yeah, for not doing coke in the bathroom with all the other sons of bitches."

            "A job like this, in New York, and you've never done coke? Your mother would be proud, Dalton."

            "Well… never say never." Charlie drawled. Neil knew exactly what face he was making on the other end.

            "For shame! I thought you were a good boy. I'm calling your mom." Neil said matter-of-factly. 

            "Last time you said that, you actually called my mom. If you do that again I will steal something from your house."

            "I'm telling her you said that, too."

            Charlie let out a groan. "I have a meeting. Gotta go. Kill me."

            "Bye, have fun." Neil heard people talking in the background.

            "I won't. Talk to you soon." Charlie hung up. 

            Neil laughed in confusion, an incredulous expression on his face.

            "Weird." He mumbled to himself, continuing to make dinner. He put on a Ella Fitzgerald song and shuffled around to the beat by himself. He could hear Todd opening the door. 

            "Hey baby!" Neil called out, still stirring around whatever was frying.

            "Smells good." Todd remarked, coming up behind Neil and wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his head on his shoulder, swaying his hips with the song. Neil loved when he did that. Todd was snaking his hands down and underneath the hem of Neil's sweater. 

            "You're freezing!" Neil all but shrieked when Todd placed his fingers flat beneath Neil's ribs underneath his green cable knit sweater. 

            "Well, yeah. I was just outside." Todd’s breath was hot against his neck. Neil rolled his eyes playfully. A dog barked outside. The sun had already set even though it was still so early. Moments like these should last forever.

            "Anything fun happened today? Romeo and Juliet still driving you crazy?" Neil turned the stove off and turned around, leaning against the oven. Todd moved his hands back down and fiddled with Neil's belt loops.

            "No, I discovered I could do other things. I was watching your interview and two of my 12th graders wanted to watch it with me. They said they loved your movie." 

            "Did you tell them that I was your husband?" Neil said, running his hand through Todd's hair and sweeping it off of his forehead.

            "Yes, I did. They didn't believe me until I pointed to the picture of us framed on my desk."

            "What, did they just think you were a big fan before?" Neil's phone apparently got fed up with Ella Fitzgerald and started playing Richie Valens. Todd began to sway again.

            "Guess so. Thanks for not saying much about me." Todd gave him a quick kiss before they broke apart. Their cat had woken up and was brushing up against his leg. Todd leaned down to pick her up and scratched her little face as he carried her around.

            "Just common courtesy, my love." Neil smiled and got out their favourite plates.

NEIL sent a message

NEIL

charlie

charlie

charlie

I'm in a crisis

sos

charlie

Bastard 3000

What 

I told u premarital sex leads down a dangerous road of teen pregnancy

NEIL

:/

Bastard 3000

Soz

I'll be happy for u if ur pregnant I promise 

U can name it worse Charlie in my honour 😎

NEIL

im serious

im gonna propose to todd

but only if you think its a good idea.

Bastard 3000

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA WYM

NEIL

aaaaaagghggh idk. I just feel like were only 20

what if i dont know what im doing and he he secretly hates me or something

idk i just feel like people dont get married young for a reason right

Bastard 3000

Bro shut up

I love u but u are very stupid

Todd is so fuckin in love w u. He'd totally say yes. You two r like perfect for eachother 

If ur worried abt not being old enough to drink or something just have the wedding when ur both 21 and be engaged for a while lol

NEIL

awwwwwww thx dude ;-;

i think im just nervous cuz im his first BOY friend and i keep imagining hes gonna be like hm being gay actually sucks bye forever

Or hes gonna say like im not even done uni what makes you think im looking for something long term

Bastard 3000

Valid concerns

BUT. I don't think any of that would happen.

When ur not in the room basically all he talks abt is u. Or like when ur out of town or not there and he's home or whatever he's a mopey bastard and then u talk to him and he's mr fuckin smiles

Just have a convo w him, make sure he won't be too opposed to getting married quote unquote someday

Then GO HOG WILD

NEIL

hes mopey?????

Bastard 3000

Are u shitting me. 

NEIL

Whatever

thanks for the advice 

i bought a ring yesterday and ive been trying to hide it but there are not that many places in this tiny house lol

Bastard 3000

OOOOOOOOOO ALREADY

send me a pic of it I wanna see how sparkly it is

I'm pouring out a drink that i bought with my real id for yall rn

I've been 21 for 3 weeks get fucked

U little tiny baby

NEIL

▶️ photo

:)))))))) HHHGAGAGAGAG

im catching up to you though >:) 2 months til we shall get pissed together. legally this time

Bastard 3000

AGSHSHS UR REALLY GETTING MARRIEDDD AAAA

Also how could I ever forget ur bday. It's imprinted on the back of my eyelids

BUT UR GETTING MARRIED AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

NEIL

i am very happy right now

thanks again :)))

Bastard 3000

Glad I could help xoxo

I'm really happy for u an toddy boy. U two r really good for eachother. 

I hope it's not weird to say this rn, but remember when ud call me crying at like 4 am abt how things were never gonna get better. They did. You just had to wait. And I'm so proud of you. You stuck through it, and look at you now. Ur a big shot!!!!! Cast in ur first giant movie, marrying the guy of ur dreams, and have a perfect amazing sexy cool AND humble best friend. What a life!!

And you totally should marry him soon. Because if u don't get ur man I might swoop him up. He's hot asf

NEIL

hdhdukdjdjdjd dude…...  ;-;

i love you, man. that was so sweet of you ;-;;;;;;;;

not the part where you called him hot tho

I mean he is

but for me only >:)

Bastard 3000

For… us.

NEIL

I would threaten to steal your girlfriend but 1 you broke up like a week ago and 2 I'm so gay it's impossible AND GETTING MARRIED AGAHAGAHGAAH

Bastard 3000

The beauty of bisexuality bby 

And we got together yesterday again lol

NEIL

again??????? literally how can you guys stand this

weirdos

ok I gtg my future HUSBANDDDDD is home

            Neil put his phone down on the desk in their bedroom. Todd had just come back from class and looked quite tired.

            "Who are you talking to?" Todd asked. "Because if they keep texting you, your phone will buzz off the table." He threw his bag down on the floor. It sounded very heavy.

            "Just Charlie. Still bragging about being 21." Neil lied. He felt like he was hiding a crazy secret. He was, but it was less crazy and more exciting.

            "Ah. Of course." Todd slumped over Neil, who was sitting in the very old office chair at the desk. "I'm going to nap now. My brain hurts from the seven million essays I've written today."

            "I'll wake you up in an hour." Neil smiled, gently holding his hand as he walked away. He was going to marry Todd. He was going to do it. Now that he was here, Neil knew he had to.

            "Thanks, darling." He heard Todd flopping on their bed in the room right across from the tiny office. Neil ignored the 15 missed messages from Charlie, (all various kissy face emojis) and thought about what he said. They really were perfect for eachother.

            Todd sighed happily. He twisted the wedding band back and forth on Neil’s finger. It was silver, and because he hated wearing rings, it was very thin.

            The dead poet’s society meeting had come and gone, and so had the rest of the weekend. Sunday night was calmer than the day before. The light in the hallway was on but the bedroom was dark except for a single bedside lamp, so they were bathed in a dim yellow glow. 

            They were laying on top of their bed and Todd was reading Neil the poem he had written last night, but he was too distracted with Todd's half-lidded eyes and hushed voice to fully pay attention to the words he was saying.

            "So? What say you, my advisor?" Todd asked, shutting his notebook and tossing it on the bedside table.

            "I envy your relationship with words. I envy your mind." Neil said, turning off the lamp, bathing them in darkness. 

            "Envy is a cardinal sin, remember, altar boy?" Todd was back-lit by the light from the doorway. He looked like an angel. Neil could hardly make out Todd's expression now seeing as his glasses were God knows where and it was quite dark. He did see that Todd was leaning in to kiss him, cupping his jaw in his hand. Neil sighed into his mouth. 

            Another moment that he would try and remember. He needed a scrapbook in his brain. The moments he would try and save were getting too many to count. They weren't making out on a boat in the rain or dancing on tabletops, but it was perfect. Their own private love. 

            The next morning would come and the cycle of domesticity would repeat. They would eat, then Todd would shave while Neil brushed his teeth. Todd would feed the cat and empty the litter box, inevitably wear something of Neil’s, not that it mattered, and leave for work. Neil would clean the bathroom or vacuum or do laundry, and listen to the same song on loop as he drove to rehearsals. 

            Life was monotonous, but it was nice. It helped him not to feel like his soul had risen out of his body and he was watching himself from the outside. At least not as much nowadays.

            Their gentle routine would be broken up with birthdays and holidays and concerts and dead poets society meetings, but they were all a different kind of memory. All made up of songs and colours and snippets of conversation.

            Life was perfect. Neil tried not to think about anything that would shake that idea. He tried not to think about the passage of time. For now, they were alive and happy, and the future would come when they were ready for it.