Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was an old camera. A very, very old camera. He slipped his hand into the strap on the side, whose fake leather was beginning to flake because of the use. His fingers caressed the other side, taking note of all the micro-scratches that had attacked the painting since he had it. He opened the return, briefly observing his reflection on the screen, before his finger slipped on the familiar button. The machine came to life, displaying the menu. By automatism, he clicked on the first video, observing his self from two years ago, laughing out loud, accompanied by a female voice.

He watched several before sighing and turning off the camera again.

Chan lay down a little more in the sofa of his small living room, before turning his gaze to the ceiling, in search of a distraction. He observed the various stains on the latter, until his gaze remained focused only on a shoe print, which was right next to the smoke detector. He and his roommates had never been able to figure out what had happened for a footprint could be found on the ceiling. Chan always thought it was Jisung’s fault, but he never admitted it. They probably would never know the end of that story.

He heard the front door slam, taking him out of his thoughts. He turned his head slightly, his eyes finding one of his roommates furiously removing his shoes.

"This time, it’s one time too many. Damn it! Fuck him!"

Chan blinked before rising, drawing Changbin’s attention.

"Ah Chan. Sorry, I didn’t see you…"

His eyes slid towards the camera, which was still in the hands of the oldest.

"Still with that old thing…?"

"Hm…"

"Chan.... It’s time to move on." He said gently, as he came to sit down beside him. It’s been three months. She’s not coming back."

Chan barely hummed in response. He knew it, but there was nothing he could do about it.

"I know. I know Mia’s not coming back…"

"And she better not. She was treating you like shit." Changbin grunted.

The older one nodded.

Mia had been his girlfriend for three years. They both met at the beginning of college, by chance in a hallway. They didn't have the same class at all, nor the same schedules, Chan leaving for a degree in psychology, while the girl was in the sports branch.

However, they clicked right away, and it was love at first sight. They thought they could have a healthy and happy relationship, but a lot had gone wrong in those three years.

Mia wasn’t really what you would call a good girlfriend. She was unfaithful. Very unfaithful. Chan couldn’t even count the number of times he’d caught her with another man. He didn’t even really know when it started, but he was pretty sure it was already like that after a week of  relationship.

The girl had asked for forgiveness each time, telling him that it would be the last. Chan madly loved her. Not wanting to end their relationship, he had again placed his trust in her each time. Tirelessly promising that it was the last time for him too.

It lasted three years, until the beginning of the previous summer. Mia had dumped him bluntly, simply telling him that she was no longer satisfied with their relationship. Chan had been devastated, despite him. He knew it wouldn’t last their whole lives, especially with the way she treated him all the time. He knew that their relationship was a disaster, but he couldn't help but be destroyed by the breakup and questioned himself. After all, maybe if he had been better, she wouldn’t have cheated on him? Maybe she wouldn’t have left him.

It had been three months now, and he was still watching his memories with her. Maybe he just wanted to hurt himself, to know that he was still alive, and not just an empty shell since she left.

Changbin took the camera from his hands and put it on the table.

'You should delete them."

"Yes, I should. But I don’t have the courage."

"You’re in your first year of a master’s degree in psychology, and if anyone knows how the human brain works, feelings and emotions, it’s you. I don’t understand how you can’t get over this relationship… That girl was fucking toxic."

Changbin was right. She and their relationship had been toxic from start to finish. However, Chan couldn’t bring himself to just erase everything that reminded him of Mia.

"Hm. Let’s stop talking about her." Chan sighed. "Why do you look so upset?"

His roommate raised his hands to heaven, already beginning to scream.

"Because of the other fucking idiot! I swear I can’t see him in painting anymore!"

"Why don’t you leave him then?"

"Ah! It’s done, don’t worry! It was the last fight! He even threw a plate at me!"

Chan hummed, leaning over to press a hickey that the youngest had in his neck.

"You still look like you had a pretty good time before he threw a plate at you."

"Yeah, well, I’m a weak man, okay? He was in leggings, doing yoga in his living room. What should I have done?"

Taking off his hand, he rolled his eyes at his lame excuse. He had never met Changbin’s boyfriend, although they had been in a relationship for almost a year. This was not the first time Changbin had come home angry, yelling at anyone who would hear that it was over. Despite this, they always ended up coming back to each other, as if they were inevitably attracted.

After every fight and broke up, they always went back to each other. It’s just sex, nothing more, Changbin said every time. However, after a week, they got back together, until the next fight. It was kind of a vicious circle.

"Who says it won’t be like the last few times?"

"Certainly not. I don’t want to see him anymore!"

Chan breathed by the nose, not believing it at all.

"Is Jisung home?"

"I suppose. His shoes are in the hall." The older one replied. "He must be in his room, as usual."

The other man sighed, passing his hand through his hair.

"Pizza night? I think we all need it."

"Yeah." Chan approved. "Pizza, video games and weed."

"Do you think Jisung will want to?" Changbin laughed softly.

"With the weed as a carrot? There’s no way he’s going to say no."

Jisung was the youngest member of their flatshare. He and Changbin had met him when he joined the music production club that Changbin ran at the university. They immediately clicked and he joined their flatshare the following month, after the former roommate of the duo left.

Rather introverted in nature, Jisung was still a noisy and joyful person when he was with people he was comfortable with. However, for a few weeks, he had gradually withdrawn on himself, preferring to remain cloistered in his room despite the presence of his roommates.

"Did you try to talk to him?" Changbin asked.

"Yes, but he doesn’t want to." Chan sighed. "Since the other asshole dumped him and humiliated him like that. Can’t get him out of more than one sentence in a row. Much less about him."

Changbin hummed.

"We really are broken hearts roommates." Changbin laughed.

"Hmm… Although I don’t think it will last long for you. I’ll give you three days before you go back to him."

"Not this time, Chan… Not this time."

They fell into a peaceful silence for a few moments, each one allowing himself to be engulfed by his thoughts. Finally, Changbin got up.

"That's too bad that there is no psychological support on the campus." He said, leaving for the kitchen area. "I mean, most students go through that, right? A lot of them have broken heart problem, and yet there’s nothing to help them. Even psychology students didn’t even open a club for that."

"Well… It’s complicated to help people to get better. Even knowing how the mind works. But it’s true that it’s missing… Sometimes talking helps you get better."

Changbin looked at him, taking a beer out of the fridge.

"Why don’t you start a club? You know what you’re talking about."

"Changbin, I don’t think I’m in the best position to run a club and help others. Have you forgotten that you are talking to the laughing stock, who got cheated on for three years without saying anything…"

"You are in the best position, since you are living it now."

"I’m not even able to help myself. How do you want me to help others to do that?"

The youngest shrugged his shoulders.

"Well. Maybe it would also help you move forward…"

Chan watched him walk around the living room, circling around. Maybe Changbin was right? He wanted to move on, but he didn’t know where to start to rebuild. Maybe to help people who are in his case, could launch it...

"I’ll think about it."

•

The young man clapped his fingers against the desk counter, a little anxious. He had spent the night thinking about what Changbin had proposed. Despite all the shit he had smoked and that had made him sleepy, he had been unable to sleep. He finally convinced himself that maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea. Worst-case scenario, if he didn’t do anything, he’d just shut down the club and apologize to the people who got involved.

Chan bit his lip as the secretary handed him the papers to formalize the club. He quickly wrote the club’s information, before handing her the papers. A ball formed in his stomach, as the person in front of him looked through the papers.

She was certainly judging him hard. Both by the theme of the club, and by the name he had chosen. He wasn’t very inspired at the time.

"All right, everything’s in order. I’ll pass your club project to management and we’ll let you know when it’s accepted or not."

The young man nodded before thanking her and leaving the secretariat. Once the door was closed, he let a sigh leave him. The anxiety hadn't left him, since now, it was necessary to wait before having an answer. He straightened his head, ready to head towards the amphitheater that would host his first class of the day, when he saw her.

By reflex, he moved quickly to reach the next corridor. He leaned against the wall, hoping that she hadn't seen him. They didn't really break up in a bad way, given the situation, but he didn’t want to have to talk to her.

He heard her laugh, so familiar, while a male voice was speaking next to her. He saw them passing along the corridor, probably advancing towards the building's exit. He took a second to watch his long hair float and his dancing gait, before his throat knotted. It’s crazy how even three months later it always hurt so much.

•

Chan arranged the chairs around the table in the center of the small room. It was finally the big day.

Three days before, he had been contacted by the university’s management to announce that his project had been accepted. He was given a schedule, as well as the room that would be assigned to him for the club, for the year.

This had made him both anxious and excited, as he rushed to ask Jisung to help him create posters. The youngest helped him with pleasure, even going so far as to accompany him to display the pieces of paper throughout the campus.

He wondered if there was going to be people. He already knew that Changbin was coming, supporting him, but also to participate in the club. It had been a week and a half since he broke up with his boyfriend. And to Chan’s surprise, they hadn’t seen each other again. At least, that’s what Changbin told him. However, Chan believed him. All you had to do was see what mood he was in right now to know that they hadn’t seen each other again.

The young man had also said that he would bring Jisung with him. Chan had been a bit hesitant about the idea. Although Jisung clearly needed help, the older one wasn't sure that making him talk to several other people would help. Assuming there are other people joining them, obviously.

He jumped when he heard the door open. Taking a quick look at the clock, which announced that there was a quarter of an hour left before the start of the club, Chan assumed it was Changbin.

He turned around, ready to welcome the youngest, when he fell instead on a tall figure, surprising him.

He was surprised, because it wasn’t Changbin, but also because the person wasn't unknown to him. At the same time, it was difficult to miss Hwang Hyunjin in the halls of the university. The young man could have been a model if he had wanted to. A slender, tall body, a graceful face and beautiful medium-long brown hair, tied in a half-tail. Chan didn’t know much about him other than that he was a few years younger than him, that he was the captain of the cheerleading club and that he had won the unofficial campus popularity contest.

Chan didn’t know he was in a relationship? Yet there were all kinds of rumors about him among the students. Such news should have spread.

Noticing that Hyunjin was staring at him, seeming to be waiting for something, he resumed.

"Huh, excuse me. I was in my thoughts. Did you say something?"

The young man laughed briefly.

"I said hello."

"Ah uh. Hi."

He had to pull himself together. It was rare that he found himself speechless in front of someone, but he had to admit that Hyunjin caught him off guard. The other boy looked around him, before turning his attention again to Chan.

"Is this the place? The Broken Hearts Club?"

"Um, yes. You’re here early. We’re not starting for 15 minutes…"

"Yes, I came at the end of my class… Do you want me to wait outside?"

"No, no." Chan hurried. "You can stay! I was just finishing setting things up."

The youngest thanked him, smiling, before entering and taking a chair.

"I’m Christopher, by the way. But everyone here calls me Chan.

- Hyunjin."

The psychology student almost told him that he already knew, but he simply nodding his head before continuing to prepare the room, more to occupy his hands and mind than anything else.

"I feel like I’ve seen you on campus, but I can’t remember where…"

"Oh." Chan breathed. "Well, you’re in the cheerleading club, aren’t you? I’m on the swim team, you must have seen me at a competition."

Hyunjin hummed, rubbing his chin.

"Maybe… What was your rank at the last competition?"

"Uh… I finished second? Why?"

"Oh! You are Mister Wide Shoulders, aren't you?" Hyunjin laughed. "I didn’t recognize you, since you usually have a bathing cap, glasses, etc."

Chan slightly blushed, passing a hand in his blond curls. Mister Wide Shoulders? What was that?

"Excuse me? Mister what?"

"Oh! Mister Wide Shoulders" The cheerleader laughed. "That’s what all my cheer friends call you. Because you have a nice back with broad shoulders."

"Oh- Okay… I didn’t know I had a nickname."

"Cheerleaders have little nicknames for everyone~ But it has to stay between us! What happens in cheer is not supposed to come out of cheer."

"Understood. I will take this secret to my grave."

Hyunjin smiled at him and Chan took a deep breath, trying to calm the sudden heat he was feeling. He was convinced that his ears should be as red as a tomato. They were interrupted by the opening of the door. Changbin entered, followed by Jisung.

"Chan- oh. you’re with someone."

"Uh yeah. Hyunjin got here early, but I told him he could stay."

Changbin nodded, introducing himself quickly, before going around the table, his young roommate behind him. Chan quickly caught his gaze full of questions and innuendo. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one wondering what the head cheerleader was doing in their club.

They were gradually joined by new arrivals, as the clock announced the start time of the club.

First there was Seungmin, who had arrived five minutes early. Jeongin had followed shortly after, with a uncertain approach. Then a boy about the age of Chan, Minho, joined them.

Chan thought that they would be able to begin, when the door opened again, five minutes after the schedule.

"Sorry, I’m late."

"Felix?"

Chan turned to Changbin, who was sitting on his left. The boy seemed surprised to see the newcomer.

"Oh… Changbin. Your are here too?"

"Yeah." He grunted. "I see you do too."

"Yeah." the other one whistled.

They stared stinily at each other for a moment, before Chan coughed to get their attention.

"Bin?"

"Chan, this is Felix… my ex boyfriend."

"Oh."

Chan took another look at him, certainly understanding why Changbin always went back to see him. He was very clearly his type. Slender, cute and above all, covered with freckles. He looked like a human-sized fairy. The young man passed a hand in his blond mullet, seeming a little more uncertain than when he arrived.

"Well… Sit down, Felix. Everyone is welcome…"

Changbin was about to open his mouth, but the older one gave him a quick look to make him understand that he wasn't going to get him out. If Felix was here, it was because he felt he needed help. Or he was just curious about this new club.

"Well, I think we can start." He said, looking at the seven boys sitting around the table. "If more people come, they will jump on the bandwagon…"

He coughed a little.

"I’ll be honest with you, I don’t know what this club will do. I don’t know if I can help you, but I’m willing to try… Why don’t we start with a quick round-table? You don’t have to say why you’re here right now. Just tell everybody what you want to say. I’ll start."

Chan put a hand in his hair, trying to look more relaxed than he felt. Apprehension dug a hole in his stomach, while others stared at him. God, he was really gonna need to smoke something strong when he got home to make up for it.

"My name is Christopher Bang, but you can call me Chan. I’m 23 and this is my fourth year on campus. I am currently in my first year of my master’s in psychology… In addition to this club, I’m also part of the campus swim team and music production club."

He slightly bit his lip before turning to Changbin, asking him to take over. Changbin scowled a little, but still stood up on his chair. Chan could see the muscles of his jaw stretching. A sign that he was nervous. Perhaps because of Felix’s presence? It wouldn't surprise Chan very much.

"Changbin, 21. I’m in my third year of sports degree. I run the music production club… And I’m Chan and Jisung’s roommate."

Jisung, sitting next to him, glanced at him before looking down at his hands.

"Jisung, 20."

The room remained silent for a few moments, everyone expecting Jisung to continue. However, the youngest avoided stares, his hand slipping in his neck, clearly showing his nervousness. Chan coughed, drawing everyone’s attention to move on to the next person.

"My name is Seungmin and I’m also 20. I’m in my second year in art degree. I want to specialize in photography."

Chan gently nodded as he looked at Changbin’s ex-boyfriend.

"Felix, 20 too. I’m also a sophomore, but I’m in the dance class with Hyunjin." He said, pointing to the tall, brown guy beside him. "He’s the reason I’m here."

The brown glanced at him, raising his eyebrows as if he dared to say more. Felix barely glanced at him, so Hyunjin took over.

"Hwang Hyunjin. As Felix said, I’m in the dance degree. I’m also the captain of the cheerleading club, so you must have see me at competitions, in different sports…"

The floor then passed to Minho, whom Chan quickly knew by sight, because they had friends in common.

"Minho, 22. I’m a first-year master."

Chan nodded before turning to the last person in the room, seated on his right. The young man seemed really nervous, as he was crushing his hands.

"My name is Jeongin… This is my first year on campus."

"Oh, you just got here then."

Jeongin nodded his head.

"Are you okay? Are you settling in well?" Chan nicely asked to try and relax him."

The other boy shrugged his shoulders quickly, before looking away.

"Okay… If you have a problem, don’t hesitate to ask one of us. We can probably help you."

Not waiting for answers, Chan straightened out.

"Before we go a little deeper into the subject of this club. Do you have any questions?

"In fact, yes." Seungmin said, with his arms crossed.

"I am listening."

"Earlier you said you didn’t know if you could help us…? I confess that I came here mainly because I was curious. So if you could shed some light…"

"Yes, of course."

The older one started walking a little.

"I realized that there was no psychological support on campus, or at least not accessible for just heartbroken problems. Which I find dumb, by the way. Being myself in a bit of a complicated.... period at the moment. I thought it might be beneficial to open up a space for discussion for that. I don’t guarantee that I can help, because I’m just a psychology student, but I’ll do what I can? And I also hope to help myself through this."

"Is this a discussion space?" Hyunjin asked. "I thought we would do this in the form of private meetings."

"Well… Unfortunately, I only have access to this room, an hour and a half a week… In addition, I thought that if we shared everything around the same table, it would be more beneficial for everyone. However, if there are things you don’t want to talk about in front of everyone, I am quite open to having coffee on my free time with you…"

Hyunjin nodded, seeming a little uncomfortable with the news. The psychology student looked at them, asking if there were more questions. Everyone said no, so he took his seat, leaning against the back.

"For this first session, I would like you to talk about why you are here. You don’t have to tell everything in detail if you don’t want to, but the more you say.... the more we are able to discuss it together and help each other. Can you also talk about what you hope for this club and these sessions? I should also add that I would obviously not tolerate judgments and remarks that are just meant to hurt the person… We’re here to help each other, not to attacking each other."

Rubbing his hands, he looked at them, looking especially at Changbin and Felix to make them understand that the message was more for them than for others. Finally, he took a breath.

"I’m going to start… Hm… I’m currently getting out of a relationship that lasted about three years… It was a really toxic relationship and I was aware of it, but despite the many problems in our relationship, I still stayed… She dumped me at the beginning of the summer and I must admit that I still think about her, even if I shouldn’t."

"You knew it was toxic, and yet you stayed?" Seungmin asked.

"That’s right… Looking back now, I know it was silly. It just locked me in a vicious circle."

"How was the relationship toxic?" Felix gently asked. "Well, if you want to say it, of course."

Chan licked his lower lip, reflecting on his words.

"She was very unfaithful. I caught her red-handed many times, either on her phone or in person. Once I even caught her in my apartment, in my bed, with another man…"

Changbin and Jisung turned to him, clearly surprised by the news. Chan grimaced. He had never told them. He already knew that the two didn't like Mia because of her behavior towards him. The fact that it even happens in their space would have upset them too much.

Changbin was about to open his mouth, but Chan glanced at him, clearly asking him to talk about it later.

"She apologized every time, promising it was always the last time. Each time, I abdicated, forgiving her and trying to convince me that this time it would be the right time. In the end, she just made me dependent on her, making me believe that I couldn’t live without her by making me feel guilty. Apparently, his plan worked, since it’s been three months and I’m still not feeling better."

He looked up at the ceiling, trying to think of what to say next.

'However, if I may add something, never think it’s your fault if your partner cheats on you. Even if he tells you otherwise and tries to make you feel guilty. It’s never your fault. They have to answer for their own actions."

He remained silent for a moment, expecting someone to take over, but no one dared to do so.

"Would you prefer me to point someone out?" Chan gently asked. "I can if you don’t like to go it alone. But you’re going to have to talk a little bit about what brings you here. I can’t help you if I don’t know. More than that, I can’t help you if you don’t want to be helped."

Felix licked his lips before briefly raising his hand to take the floor.

"I-it’s a little complicated for me, because against all odds... Changbin is also here."

"It will surely be just as complicated for him." Chan replied. "You don’t have to go into detail…"

"Hmm… We were a couple for about a year. We argued a lot, so we broke up a lot, but each time we ended up going back to each other."

Felix shrugged, avoiding Changbin’s gaze.

"I think we ended up falling into a kind of strange circle. We were in a relationship, arguing, breaking up… and then we’d go through this weird phase and get back together... But at the end of the day, I feel like we never solved all the problems that caused our fights."

Chan nodded, then turning to Changbin.

"Do you want to add something, Bin?"

"I think Felix is right when he says we never solved the problems… We came back every time, because it was just a habit and comfort… We knew each other and we knew how the other worked. We were just hoping it wouldn’t break out yet."

Chan was silently impressed by what he heard. Changbin and Felix both seemed to agree that they lacked communication. The older one found it odd that they just didn’t talk to get things straight. But again, it was about communication.

Clearly the biggest flaw in their relationship.

Chan thanked them for speaking.

"Who wants to talk next."

"I." Minho said, straightening out. "However, I don’t think you gonna like it"

"We’re not here to judge you." Chan said. "As long as you haven’t done something wrong by the law... It stays here."

"I was in a relationship with a young man for a few months. We had known each other a lot longer because we were in the same group of close friends… He left me a few weeks ago. He said I was too jealous."

"Okay… And you’re here because you think he was right?"

Minho shrugged, appearing moderately interested.

"Maybe, maybe not… I’m here out of curiosity to be honest. I’ve already moved on."

"Okay... Seungmin, you also said you were there out of curiosity, right?"

"Hm. Yeah."

"You say that because you don't get out of a relationship?"

"Oh, yes. My girlfriend dumped me two days ago."

"You don’t look very affected…"

"We hadn’t been dating for a long time. I wasn’t very attached."

Chan didn’t really expect that answer.

"Oh, well. Okay. So why are you here? Just out of curiosity?"

"Yeah. I don’t really need help."

"Okay…"

When he started this club, Chan didn’t think he would have to deal with people who didn’t want to be helped. Seungmin was clearly behaving in a manner that indicated denial. He was tense and although he seemed assured outside, his body language betrayed him a little. He was gonna have to work pretty hard with Seungmin to get him to open up.

"Who wants to speak next? Jisung perhaps?" Chan gently asked."

The young man raised his head, shaking his head negatively. The psychology student renewed a frustrated sigh. He didn’t want to force him, knowing that it would only make things worse, but he really wanted to get Jisung out of his silence.

"Why are you here then?" Minho suddenly asked. If you don’t want to talk."

"It’s none of your business."

"A little bit, since you’re coming to the club. You must have a problem."

"I don't have a problem!" The youngest of the two shouted, rising from his chair.

Chan stretched his arms between them to interrupt the argument.

"Calm down… Jisung, don’t get your frustration out on him."

"I don't have problem… I am fine."

"Of course 'Sung. Nobody said anything was wrong…'

The youngest hummed, sitting down.

"I’m only here because I was bought to come... I didn’t want to come."

"Bin? What did you promise him?" Chan asked, suspicious.

"The rest of your weed supply."

Chan closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, before releasing everything. He shouldn't get angry. He refused to put on a show for 100 dollars of weed.

"We’ll talk about it at the apartment."

He cleared his throat.

"Who’s left? Jeongin? You want to tell us?"

The youngest of the group was prostrated in his chair, clearly hesitant. Chan tried to reach out to give him a reassuring pat, but he suddenly pulled back his chair.

"Don’t touch me!"

Chan jumped, like many others in the room, in front of the sudden scream. He immediately withdrew his gesture.

"Sorry." He apologized quickly. "I didn’t think-Uh…"

"No, it’s me. I’m sorry… I’m sorry." The youngest almost moaned.

He again advanced his chair, taking care to keep his distance from Chan and Minho, who were sitting next to him. The tension in the room could have been cut with a knife. Jeongin lowered his head, clearly ashamed and nervous.

"It’s okay. Everything is okay, Jeongin. It’s okay to yell. You just expressed your refusal as you could." Chan clumsily said. "No one will touch you unless you give your permission, okay?"

He nodded. Chan waited, hoping that he would take the sign to start talking.

"Uh… I was in a relationship, but not anymore… We met in high school, but we separated a little while ago…"

"Okay… You know why you separated?"

"I guess it was toxic."

However, he said no more, leaving Chan with a mixed feeling. He clearly didn't seem at all comfortable in his environment. He held a sigh, turning to Hyunjin, who was the last of the group.

"I guess I'm the last one."

"Yes…"

"I was in a relationship for about 6 months, but we didn’t show up. H-She didn’t want to because she didn’t think she was ready… I ended up finding it weird and I started insisting. H-She just couldn’t take it and left me."

Chan nodded his head distractingly.

He didn’t know Hyunjin liked girls? If there was a rumor that seemed to be verified by the young man’s conquests on campus, it was that he loved men. Unfortunately for the youngest, Chan was not fooled. He could clearly read between the lines, but he wouldn't talk about it now. Hyunjin didn’t seem comfortable talking about it in front of so many people.

Taking a quick look at the clock, Chan decided it was enough for today.

"I am very happy that everyone has started to open up today. I already see some profiles that I can start working on to help you… Before I go, I’ll give you my phone number, just in case.... If you need to discuss outside of these sessions, in a more private setting, don’t hesitate."

He quickly wrote his number on the little board behind him, before wishing everyone a good end of the day.

The room gradually emptied, leaving only Changbin, Jisung and himself.

"Okay." Chan said. "Let’s go home."

•

Jisung took a deep breath, enjoying the smoke passing through his body. He leaned a little more into the couch, giving Changbin the pipe.

"I can’t believe you promised him all my weed to come to the meeting." Chan spit out.

"That was it, or he didn’t come." He replied, also taking a whiff.

"All right, you can keep your weed." Jisung said with a laugh. "As long as you invite me to smoke for free."

"You’re always welcome to share a bang, you know that." Chan said, rolling his eyes.

The three of them were lying on the couch, empty boxes of Japanese food scattered in front of them. Chan fired on the bang. He had been waiting for this almost all day. He could feel his anxiety flowing back into his mind, becoming nothing but a pleasant buzz.

"Will you keep coming to the club?" Chan suddenly asked. "Even if Felix comes too?"

"I don’t know… He didn’t look like he was there for fun. Maybe he’ll just stick to the first meeting…"

"Hmm… Maybe."

"It was weird to see him, and to hear him talk about us so calmly." Changbin moaned. "He looked so pretty in that sweater."

"Bin, you're getting off topic."

The other growled, turning to Chan to get the pipe.

"Let’s change the subject. Hwang and you."

"Me and Hwang?"

"You were red as a tomato when we came in."

"Well… He’s certainly nice to look at, and his open compliment didn’t help."

"Oh~"

Chan grumbled softly.

"Don’t "Oh~" me. Everyone on campus knows that Hyunjin flirts like he breathes. Also, do I have to remind you what kind of club I run now?

"Perhaps heartbroken problem can bring you closer?"

The older one sighed.

"I’m not interested in having a new relationship right now."

Changbin hummed, giving the bang to Jisung.

"I didn’t even know he’d been in a relationship recently."

"You heard him, didn’t you? They hid. The other person didn’t want to show up."

"I think it’s silly. If I were him, I would have. Hwang is super popular."

Pouting, the psychology student straightened out a bit. Popularity wasn’t everything in life. It could even be very annoying at times. Hyunjin had almost no privacy, everything he did turned into a rumor. Chan knew that he wouldn't tolerate such daily treatment.

However, Chan knew that it wasn’t really because of the cheerleader’s popularity that they had hidden. The she was not a she, but a he. He hadn't assumed to be with a boy. But above all, what worried him was the repercussions it had on Hyunjin.

He had heard others talk about homosexual relationships and he was friends with Felix. There were enough clues to indicate that he was free to talk about his orientation. Yet he still chose to change the gender of the person. And that was what Chan was most concerned about. Secretly, he was hoping the young man would text him, so he could talk to him in private about it.

Jisung hummed to get their attention.

"Is what Minho said true…?"

"About what?" Changbin asked.

"Do I have a problem…?"

The older one leaned over, getting the bang from his roommate’s hands. No more weed for him. It started to make him depressed.

"Of course not, Sungie…"

- But… That’s also what Jooyoung said when…"

The sport student turned to him, grabbing his hand.

"Jooyoung was a jerk who didn’t deserve you. Okay?"

"Bin is right. You don't have a problem… It was just silly to think that everyone had the same temperament as him."

Jisung went deeper into the cushions, biting his lip.

Jisung and Jooyoung had been dating for a few months. They met at a frat party, where Jisung had gone, because Changbin had forced his hand a little. They immediately got along well, and soon became acquainted. However, if Jisung was introverted by nature, Jooyoung was quite the opposite. The boy was loud and loved the world and attention.

It had quickly sparked between them, since Jooyoung didn't understand that Jisung didn't have at all the same temperament as him. Not even trying to figure it out, he just dumped him, calling him a lunatic, so he’d rather stay home than go out and party.

He then dragged him through the mud, telling all his friends that his ex was crazy. The rumor had spread a little on campus, leaving a distraught Jisung. The week after his breakup, he only left the apartment for his essential classes. He avoided his various clubs and didn’t even want to stay in college for lunch.

Now, almost a month later, it had improved slightly. The rumors had run out. But apparently, the words had rather convinced him that something was wrong with him.

"Jooyoung was an extroverted jerk, who didn’t bother to understand that you’d rather be at home quietly than go out. It’s his fault, he didn’t take the time to get to know you, and just assumed you liked to go to party."

Jisung hummed, listening to his roommates.

"I wish you would keep coming to the Jisung club." Chan gently said. "I think if you tell the others, they’ll tell you the same thing we do."

"I don’t know… There are a lot of people…"

"There may be fewer people next time." Changbin said. "I’m not sure if Minho, Seungmin and Felix are coming back…"

"I would see…"

The older one looked at them for a moment, hoping that he would be able to help his younger friend.

Chapter Text

He was almost jumping jacks. An overflowing energy, which he didn't think he had after his long class day, moved through his body. Chan closed the zipper on his team jacket as he left the locker room. He was so eager to swim.

Last week’s training had to be cancelled because there had been a problem with the locals. However, now that everything had been resolved by management, they could return to training.

Chan approached the stands, placing his water bottle and towel on the edge, beside his group's stuff. He was getting ready to put on his glasses, to go warm up, when he noticed him.

Hyunjin was sitting in the stands, a few rows higher, watching the different swimmers warm up in the pool, waiting for the coach to arrive. Chan called him out, curious to know what he was doing here.

"Oh. Hey Mister Bang." He said as he went down a few rows to sit closer to Chan.

"Mister Bang? It’s no longer Mister Wide Shoulders?" He laughed.

"It’s too long to pronounce. And besides, you’re not supposed to know that nickname."

"Yeah, you're right… What are you doing here?"

Hyunjin shrugged his shoulders.

"My last class was cancelled, but I have to stay on campus because I have tutoring later in the evening… So I figured I could kill time here."

"Watching the swim team practice?"

"You say that as if looking at muscular, shirtless boys wasn't a full-fledged activity."

The older one could feel his cheeks starting to burn.

"So you’re just here to check out the team? I’ll ask the coach to fire you from the practice."

"I was laughing!" Hyunjin smiled. "I’m here because I had nowhere to go. I thought it would be interesting to see. I usually go to the rugby practice, but…."

"But?" Chan repeated, raising an eyebrow.

"But I didn’t want to go to the field today." He replied gently.

He nodded slowly as Hyunjin focused on the swimmers again.

"Shouldn’t you go warm up?"

"Yes. I was about to go. I hope you won’t be too bored."

He gave him one last smile, before turning his back, getting ready to move away.

"Chris-"

Wide-eyed, he turned to the young man. He didn't expect him to call him that. Everyone here called him Chan.

"I… I’ll still see you tomorrow at the club, right?"

"Yes." Chan kindly replied.

"Cool."

Hyunjin offered him one last smile, before Chan finally went to the pool. He felt that it was going to be a complicated training, with the young man looking at them.

Fortunately for him, Hyunjin didn't stay to watch them throughout the session. He had left after half an hour, when someone had picked him up. Chan was happy to see him go. Not that he didn't like the young man’s presence in the stands, but he had to admit that knowing that he was here, made him feel that he was being observed more than usual. He could almost feel his eyes burning holes in his back. However, he didn’t know if it was reality, or just his mind playing tricks on him.

Despite this, he couldn't help but feel a slight bitterness from the brunette's departure. He didn’t know who the person who came for him was. He had just heard them laughing briefly before seeing the two leaving together. He didn’t know if it was just an acquaintance, a friend. Maybe more... Scowling a bit, he had to remember that it didn’t matter anyway. He barely knew Hyunjin.

His morale was much lower than at the beginning of the evening, when he finally joined his apartment. This one was empty and dark when he entered, causing his morale to drop a little more. He didn’t even bother to turn on the lights, as he slowly made his way to his room. Once there, the young man just put his bag on his side, lying head first on the bed.

He barely had a thought for his pool stuff, which he should have laid in the bathroom before lying down. Now he didn't want to move anymore, at least until the next day. Perhaps even more, threw a voice in his head. It tickled his mind. Maybe he could stay in bed tomorrow. He felt so helpless to attend his classes.

He stayed like that for a long time. Lying in the dark, facing his own thoughts. Finally, he raised his hand, reaching his bedside table, where his fingers found the outline of an object he knew by heart. Chan hesitated, tracing familiar angles and stripes before finally taking the old camera in his hand. He opened the camera's monitor and lit the button to turn it on. He knew he was going to regret it immediately afterwards, but he couldn’t help it.

•

He rubbed his face, watching everyone sit around the table as they arrived. Chan had been feeling like shit since last night, and his bullshit had helped nothing. As he had planned, he was bitterly regretting it now.

He didn’t even have the mental strength to come to his classes today. The only reason he left his bed today was because of the club. They were counting on him now. He couldn’t just abandon them after the first session, just because he didn’t want to do anything.

"Hello everyone." He said, glancing at the different people in the small room. "I’m glad to see everyone has decided to come back."

To his surprise, Seungmin, Minho, and even Felix had returned for the second session.

'I’d like to start with an open talk. Those who want to speak can speak. You don’t have to if you don’t want to… I’d like to know if your week went well. If you’re doing well… That sort of thing."

There was a slight silence in the room, while everyone seemed to think about what to say.

"You have the right to say that you aren't good." Chan said. "It’s important to know yourself, and it’s a big step to tell others."

"My week went well." Seungmin said. "I’m fine too."

Chan nodded, offering him a smile that he hoped would be reassuring, and not at all forced.

"Is there anyone else?"

"I'm okay." Felix gently said. "Seasonal depression is starting to come, but my week could have been worse."

"I had a shitty week." Hyunjin sighed, next to the blond. "It got a little better yesterday, but it got worse again this morning."

"I’m sorry to hear it." Chan kindly sighed. "I hope it'll get better quickly… For the seasonal depression that Felix mentioned, unfortunately, there’s not a lot we can do about it… I know the next few months are going to be though for some of you. If you need to talk, remember you have my phone number…"

Some nodded. Chan would continue on what he had planned in his little notebook, but Minho interrupted him.

"What about you? How are you?"

The question surprised him a bit. He straightened out, seeing that everyone was staring at him now. The student cleared his throat, displaying a smile he hoped to be natural.

"I’m fine, thank you… Uh… Today I wanted to talk a little more about your old relationship, especially your partner. I’d like you to tell me, what you like about her or him.... And what you didn’t like, obviously."

"What was loved about him…" Jeongin gently repeated. "At the beginning of the relationship? Or at the end?"

"Well, basically, I was thinking more at the beginning of the relationship, but if your opinion changed along the way, you can obviously tell us." Chan reassured." So? Who wants to start?"

Confronted by the silence of the room, he turned himself to Jeongin.

"Let’s go the other way this time. Jeongin, would you like to start?"

"Hmm… What I liked about him in the beginning …" The youngest started. "He didn’t care that I wasn’t popular, even if he was. He didn’t treat me differently in high school."

"Okay. Is that why you started to love him?"

"I guess… he was really nice at first."

Chan frowned.

"At first...?" He repeated.

However, the youngest ignored his question, continuing to answer the original question.

"What I didn’t like... I didn’t like his group of friends at all, but it’s not really something of him…"

"It can be considered as." Chan replied. "Humans live in society and the mass effect is important on people. Most are influenced by the group they consider their own…"

"Hmm… so I really didn’t like his friends. And I didn’t like what he became next."

Chan waited a moment, to see if he would argue a little more, but nothing came.

"Thank you for telling us. Minho?"

"We got along fine. I thought he was cute, but I couldn’t stand his bullshit. He spent his time going out with his friends when I didn’t know…"

"It's his right, though."

"Yes, but... He was acting strange." He grunted.

The oldest one hummed.

"You said he left you because you were too jealous. Was it because of that?"

"In part…"

"Had he done something before that justified your distrust?"

The boy in front of him just shrugged his shoulders. Seeing that he wouldn't get an answer with that today, Chan passed on to the next person: Hyunjin. The cheerleader seemed caught off guard, certainly not expecting his turn to come so quickly.

"You don’t have to tell us things you don’t want to talk about." Chan said.

"I- Well… I liked his humor… He-Uh-She always found something to say to make me laugh. I didn’t like her lying to me and making me believe things… I felt like she made fun of me from start to finish…"

Chan humming, chewing his lips nervously.

"Why do you think she made fun of you? Do you think she didn’t have feelings for you?"

"Well… At first, I thought it was the case, but looking back, I think I was just an addition to her conquests…"

"I see. It must have been hurtful to be reduced to one conquest among many, especially if you loved her very much." Chan continued.

Hyunjin just nodded, staring at his hands, which were placed on the table. Looking at his friend, Felix spoke for himself.

"It’s going to be awkward… but what I liked the most about him was his cute side." He admitted, avoiding looking at Changbin. "Of course, I liked his tough image. I really liked his arms too. But what I loved most of all was what I could see of him, when it was just the two of us… It made me feel privileged."

"Okay… And what you didn’t like?"

"He was stubborn and quick to get mad… I hated it when we argued because he never listened to what I had to say and immediately got angry."

Chan glanced at Changbin, who was sitting idly, pretending not to be concerned about what his ex was telling.

"Okay, thank you, Felix. Seungmin?"

"Hm? I don’t have much to say."

"Ah? You didn’t like anything in particular about your ex-partner?"

"Like I said, I didn’t really get attached…but I guess I liked the fact that she was interested in what I was doing."

"Did you like the attention she gave you?"

"You can put it that way."

"Okay, and something you didn’t like?"

The young man shrugged his shoulders.

"Like I said, it didn’t last long enough for me to find out…"

"All right, I see. Jisung?"

He raised his head at the call of his name, clearly surprised that Chan addressed him.

"Just a quality and a failing."

"I didn’t like the fact that he didn’t take into account what I was feeling… "

"Okay, and something you liked about him?"

The brunette shook his head negatively, refusing to say more. Slightly frustrated, Chan passed a hand through his hair, before turning to Changbin. This one seemed as uncomfortable as Felix had been.

"I liked that he saw something good in everything." The sport's student said. "He was always trying to be positive, even when I was complaining. But I didn’t like it when he blamed me for everything."

"I didn’t blame you for everything!" Felix said.

"Of course you did! Everything was my fault all the time!"

"That’s not true!"

"Hey!" Chan interrupted them. "No argument. If you want to talk about it together like that, you’ll wait for the end of the club. I can stay if you need a mediator."

Both calmed down, sulking like child, as Chan sighed.

"Felix, maybe you weren’t doing it on purpose. But that’s how Changbin must have felt, if he’s talking about it."

"Hm…"

"What about you?" Changbin asked. "What did you like about Mia? Because she was fucking detestable."

The older one glanced at him.

"Changbin. You could have, at least, kept her anonymous." He grunted.

"Sorry…"

"It’s okay… I-"

He stopped, trying to put his thoughts in order.

"I liked her laugh." He calmly said. "It’s one of the things I miss the most. And something I didn’t like… Well, clearly the fact that she was manipulative."

Chan licked his lips, trying to avoid going back into his memories. His mind was already in places he preferred not to expose, not worth diving lower.

"We’ll stop here for tonight. Thank you all for speaking. For next week, I’d like you to bring something. One thing that most connects you to your former partner. The one that reminds you them… It can be anything – a gift from them, something you bought together, something that just makes you think about them… If it’s too cumbersome, you can just take a picture and print it instead of bringing it back. Is it good for everyone?"

They all nodded as they got up to get their belongings. Chan let out a breath as he rubbed his eyes, watching everyone go out.

"Felix-"

"I don’t want to talk to you right now." the blond grunted, putting on his coat.

"You don’t want to discuss about it?"

"Not now. Don’t talk to me!" He said, slamming the door behind him.

Changbin sighed, leaning against the table. The psychology student leaned over a little to pat him on the shoulder.

"Do you want to try to fix things?"

"Is there still at least something to fix…" The youngest one gently answered.

"Well… Only time will tell you, right? I think it'll be good for both of you to think about your relationship individually for now."

Changbin hummed, clearly not sure what his roommate said.

•

It was almost 3:00 in the morning and he couldn't sleep, although he was exhausted. Chan turned and turned again in his bed, trying to find a comfortable position, but nothing made it. Impossible for him to close his eyes. The only thing he could think of was Mia. Again.

He was desperate to get her out of his head, but he didn’t know what to do. The student tried to think of something else, but everything kept coming back to memories he had in common with her.

His mind was finally beginning to slow down, when he was brought back to consciousness by the vibration of his phone under one of his pillows. Letting out a grunt of frustration, he pulled his phone from under the fabric. He thought he had cut the internet connection to avoid being disturbed.

Chan pressed the button, being dazzled for a few moments while the screen was on. Once he was used to the brightness, he was surprised to find that he had just received a text from an unknown number. Curious, he unlocked his phone, opening the conversation.

Unknown Number

2:53 AM | I was wondering. You told us that it was okay not to be okay and to say it... But if that’s the case, why did you lie?

The student raised an eyebrow. Seeing the contents of the message, he immediately knew that he was a member of the club.

Chris

2:55 AM | Who is it?

Unknown Number

2:55 AM | Answer me first.

Chris

2:56 AM | Who said I lied?

Unknown Number

2:58 AM | Nobody. Your fake smiles were enough to make clear that you weren't okay.

Chan sighed. Apparently, he hadn’t fooled everyone. It couldn’t have been Jisung or Changbin, since they already knew he had a bad day. According to him, it wasn't Jeongin. The youngest was clearly not focused on him during the session. He didn’t think it was Felix either. Chan didn’t think he could send him a message knowing he was Changbin’s roommate. So he had only three options left: Minho, Seungmin and Hyunjin.

Chris

3:01 AM | I had a very bad day, and I didn’t want to spoil the club atmosphere. I’m supposed to help you get better and I thought that showing that I was in trouble wouldn't put you in a good mood for the session.

3:03 AM | I’m sorry if this seemed inappropriate to you. I didn’t want to show this image of me.

Unknown Number

3:04 AM | Are you feeling better now?

Chris

3:06 AM | To be honest, not really…

Chan remained for a while looking at the screen of his phone, until it turned off. He finally put down his arm. Perhaps his correspondent had fallen asleep? However, the phone vibrated again.

Unknown Number

3:12 AM | I know it’s late, but... Do you want to meet?

Chris

3:13 AM | Where?

Unknown Number

3:15 AM | At your apartment? I know there are your roommates, but my parents are light sleepers.

Immediately more interested by the suggestion, Chan weighed the pros and cons. It wasn’t Minho, because he knew the other man was living on campus as well, although he doesn’t have a roommate. He didn’t know about Seungmin, but he knew that Hyunjin didn’t live far from the university, most likely at his parents' house. In addition, the atmosphere sent back by the messages gave him the impression that it was the cheerleader, making Chan more daring. It must have taken him too long to answer because his phone vibrated again.

Unknown Number

3:17 AM | I have weed.

Chris

3:18 AM | GPS position shared

3:18 AM | Building C, fourth floor, apartment 37. Don’t ring, text when you arrive and I will open you.

Read at 3:19 AM.

He rolled on his bed, rubbing his eyes, before motivating himself to get up. The blond quickly put a hoodie on his naked skin, before taking his phone and joining their common room. He lit a small lamp in the corner, giving a subdued atmosphere to the room. He preferred that rather than the ceiling lamp. He wasn’t wearing makeup and he was a little shy to show up like that to someone like Hyunjin.

Chan had never seen him without make-up, but he was sure the young man was beautiful without it. Unlike him. He grumbled a little when he saw the capharnaüm that was the living room. He quickly organized the shoes and took all the clothes lying around to throw them into the bathroom. Finally, he moved the various dumbbells into a corner, so that no one would get caught in them. His phone vibrated again, leaving him barely time to put the cushions back in place.

Unknown Number

3:36 AM | I’m downstairs.

Chan walked towards the entrance, pressing the button that activated the opening of the building door.

Unknown Number

3:37 AM | I’m in. You can drop the button! (•¯ ∀ ¯•)

The student found himself foolishly smiling at the emoji, as he unlocked his door to wait for the person he now guessed to be Hyunjin. He leaned against the door, taking the time to rename the contact while waiting for the young man.

Finally, he raised his head when he heard footsteps. He pushed himself to let the other student in, wrapped in a thick coat and lots of scarves.

"Hey." He whispered.

"Hi." Chan laughed. "Have you walked here?"

He closed the door behind Hyunjin, while he took off his shoes.

"Well, surprisingly, there are no buses running at 3:00 in the morning. But that’s okay, it warmed me up."

"Thank goodness you don’t live far away."

"How do you know that?" The brunette asked, surprised, as he took off his coat.

"Oh uh… Well…" Chan babbled. "Just heard people say it. I assumed they were right."

"You shouldn’t listen to all the rumors about me, Mister Bang. You’d be surprised by the truth."

Chan laughed a bit, telling him where to sit. The youngest dropped on the couch, rummaging through his pocket to take out a small bag of weed.

"You didn’t have to bring any, I had some."

"It was to apologize for coming so late."

The oldest one hummed, then served drinks to his guest and fetched his pipe. He settled in on the couch next to him before preparing the pipe so that they could smoke. Mechanically, he grabbed his little grinder with the Australian flag painted on it. It was a gift from Changbin when they started smoking weed together. He was very passionate about it.

He crushed the weed before putting it in the bowl.

"Have you been to Australia?" Hyunjin whispered, pointing to his grinder.

"Oh, no. I mean, I did. I spent most of my childhood in Australia. But this." He says, taking the grinder in his fingers. "It's a gift from Changbin."

"Are you Australian?" Hyunjin wondered.

"Shh." Chan laughed. "You will wake up Bin and Jisung."

"Sorry." He laughed too, holding his hand to his mouth.

"Technically, no, because I was born here. We moved there when I was little, and I spent my whole childhood there. We came back when I went to high school."

Hyunjin watched him light the pipe.

"Is it beautiful there?"

"A lot. I really liked going to the beach. That’s where my love for swimming came from."

"Hmm." Hyunjin hummed. "Do you ever miss that?"

"All the time… but I’m good here. I’ll be back one winter when I have money."

Chan turned to him, holding out the pipe.

"Oh- I- That’s nice from you, but I don’t smoke." Hyunjin said, blushing.

"You don’t smoke? What are you doing with weed then?"

"It was a leftover from a party… Some friends had left it at my house. When I heard you were a stoner, I thought I could give it to you."

"Well, that’s nice of you. Thank you."

The older one looked at the pipe for a moment, then leaned over to open the window. Then he turned to Hyunjin to lay a plaid next to him.

"Sorry, I have to open the window, otherwise it’s going to become an aquarium. If you’re cold, don’t hesitate to cover yourself."

"Thank you."

Chan watched his pretty smile for a moment, before concentrating again on the pipe. He was right, Hyunjin was really beautiful without makeup. He suddenly wondered if it was really a good idea to smoke with the young man next to him. He didn’t know what sort of weed it was. It could really get him high and say a lot of shit.

"Is it strong?" He asked with a first whiff.

"No idea, sorry."

"That’s okay." He replied, blowing the smoke. "We’ll see."

They both settled down a little more comfortably in the cushions, while the silence stretched. However, it wasn't an awkward silence. It was rather comfortable. The psychology student took an other whiff as Hyunjin spoke.

"How long ago did you start smoking?"

"When I was in my second year, so two years ago… That was when I met Changbin. He was already smoking, and I kind of hooked up the car— I’ve always been very anxious by nature and I’ve discovered that weed does wonders for that."

"You? Anxious? It doesn’t seem so."

"Do you think so? I’m glad I’ve become good enough to hide it, then." He laughed.

Hyunjin hummed, turning a little more towards him. He put his elbow on the back, passing his hand in his hair.

"But you’re not very good at lying." He whispered.

"Isn't it the worst? I can read body language and see if someone is lying in a second…"

"It really made me sad at the meeting… listening to you lie when you told us to do the opposite. For a moment, I thought, maybe this was all bullshit…"

"I’m sorry." Chan whispered before smoking again. "I just wasn’t in a good mindset at all… To be honest, I’ve been feeling like shit all day. I haven’t even found the strength to get up to attend my classes… I only got out of here for the meeting because I didn’t want to let you down…"

He was humming again.

"Do you want to talk about it?" The brunette asked.

Chan also turned to him, observing his facial expression.

"Hm… Ok, but only if in exchange, you also talk to me."

"But I’m already talking to you. At the club-"

"Hyunjin." Chan gently cut him. "I know you weren’t in a relationship with a girl... You don’t have to hide it from me. I can maybe understand why you don’t want to talk about it in front of the group… But if I talk to you, I want you to talk to me too."

The youngest swallowed, becoming clearly nervous to know that Chan had read between the lines of his story. They looked at each other for a moment, before Hyunjin finally snapped and looked away.

"Okay. I’ll tell you all about it... But it has to stay between us."

"Sure. You can trust me…"

He nodded, wringing his hands, before letting them go while Chan handed him the pipe.

"You want to try?"

Hyunjin laughed at him.

'I’m definitely going to choke on it."

"Everybody chokes the first time. It’s not strong, it’s not going to make you feel bad."

"Hmm…"

He seemed to think about it for a few moments, before finally taking the pipe. Chan quickly explained to him what to do before watching him take a whiff. The sight of Hyunjin, leaning on it, the tip of the pipe between his lips, should not be as erotic in his opinion. Yet he found it attractive, very attractive. He quickly looked away. He had absolutely no reason to think about it. First, because the weed had certainly made him horny and that his shorts would definitely not hide a boner. Then, because he barely knew Hyunjin. He didn’t even know if they could consider them friends. Finally, they both came out of complicated relationships and it seemed like the worst idea to get involved with each other now.

Moving awkwardly, he recovered pipe from the brunette’s hands as he began to cough. They both laughed, until the youngest took a normal breath.

'Well, that was not what I expected."

"You’ll get used to it… Well, only if you want to try again one day. I don’t want to make you smoke."

"It’s okay. Don’t worry." Hyunjin smiled. "So? You want to start... or..."

Chan laid the pipe on the table, settling down comfortably.

"When I got home from swim practice last night, I was physically and mentally tired. When I arrived, neither Changbin nor Jisung were there. The apartment looked so empty and cold… It just made me… depressed. I ended up watching old videos of me and my ex."

Hyunjin whistled next to him, very conscious of the error.

"I knew I was going to regret it later, but I still did it… There you go. I felt like shit all day."

"I’m sorry you felt bad… You know what, next time you think you’re going to go back in, text me instead. I’ll always answer you, even if it’s in the middle of the night."

"Don’t make promises you can’t keep."

"I can at least try." He said, showing out his little finger. "Promise me you’ll send me a message if you think you’re going to do it again."

"How old are you? Five?"

Hyunjin giggled, waving his little finger at him.

"Come on!"

"Ok, ok. Don’t scream." Chan laughed, wrapping their little fingers together.

Hyunjin shook their hand before sticking their thumbs together, sealing their promise. However, their little fingers remained entangled, as their hands now rested between them, on the cushions. Diffuse heat developed in the older boy’s chest.

"What about you?"

"I... It’s pretty complicated." Hyunjin said. "As I said, you have to tell nobody about this…"

"I wouldn’t do that."

"Hmm… I dated Lee Woojae…"

Chan’s eyes widened.

"W-Wait. Lee Woojae like… Lee Woojae, the captain of the university’s rugby team?"

"Yes…"

"Wait, I thought he was straight!"

The boy in front of him complained, starting to pout.

"That’s the problem! Wait, I’ll explain it to you."

Hyunjin set up against Chan, lowering his voice. The young man put his arm on the back of the sofa to let him curl up against him.

"Woojae and I have almost the same group of friends… We often go out with the rugby team and the cheerleading club, so we ended up getting closer… I also thought he was straight, because I only saw him dating girls… But he gradually started flirting with me, and eventually we ended up dating."

He sighed, passing his hand through his hair.

"He had never been out with another man, so it was new to him. I was understanding, I know what it feels like to discover his sexuality. When he asked me to keep it a secret for now, I just thought… "Okay, I can see why he’d rather get used to it before the whole university finds out”, since, you know… everyone found our private life very interesting." He sighed.

"At first, everything was going great, but… The more time went by, the more impatient I became. I wanted to be able to go out with him and clearly show that we were a couple. I was tired of having to pay attention to all my actions when we were in public… However, when I told him about it, he continued to refuse, saying that he wasn't ready."

Hyunjin paused, thinking about what to say next.

" Actually, I think… I just served him, you know… Sometimes I think I was just naive and he never liked me back… He just wanted to test with a boy and he chose the one he thought was the easiest to convince."

"Hey, don’t say that. You’re not easy to get." Chan said. "You just ran into the wrong person, who used your feelings against you."

"Hmm…"

"What about now? You keep running into him?"

"Unfortunately. I see him almost every day. It’s hard… to have to pretend that nothing happened and to pretend to be friends all the time."

"Do you still have feelings for him?"

"No. I think it was just a crush on the moment, because of the attention he paid to me… Now I’m just disgusted." Hyunjin sadly laughed. "I can’t believe I slept with a poor guy who pretended to be bi, when he just wanted to fuck me to say at least once in his life that he slept with a guy."

Chan bit his lip, pulling Hyunjin a little more in his arms to comfort him.

"I’m sorry it happened to you."

"That’s okay." The brunette gently said. "It’s just hard to know that I’ve been taken for an idiot."

Chan put his hand over Hyunjin’s head.

"It will get better. The feeling of being taken for an idiot, I mean… Our situations aren't similar, but in the end, we both were the laughing stock... You should stop hanging out with him right now, it’ll get better…"

"I try, but no matter what I do, he always ends up there… Having the same group of friends doesn’t help…"

"Hmm… You’re always welcome to join my group of friends if at some point it gets too complicated for you."

"Thank you…"

Chan moved a little, adjusting his grip on the young man.

"Are you tired?" He asked.

"Not really."

"You want to play Mario Kart?"

The brunette thought about it for a moment before rising.

"Okay, but I want to play Yoshi."

Chapter Text

Changbin yawned, stretching, as he left his room for breakfast. He turned on the light, moving mechanically towards the kitchen corner, when he noticed the shapes present on the sofa.

Chan was lying on his back, a little drooling on his chin, while one of his arms was resting on his eyes. The other was placed on the hips of the person who slept half on him, their face buried in his neck. The only thing Changbin could see was their messy half-long brown hair. They were both covered with the blanket they usually kept on the couch.

The sports student blinked several times, wondering who the hell Chan had invited during the night? As he got closer, Changbin quickly realized that it was not a girl, but a boy. He rolled his eyes when his mind made the connection with the familiar coat placed on a chair in the entrance.

He reached out his hand, gently shaking Chan, who groaned, before pulling his arm out of his face.

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty."

"What time is it?" He whispered, gradually becoming aware of his surroundings.

"Almost eight."

"Fuck, Bin. I don’t have class this morning."

"You don’t, but maybe your Prince Charming does."

Chan raised an eyebrow, before he realized who was half asleep on him. The memories of their night quickly came back to him as he began to gently shake Hyunjin.

He groaned, straightening up on the elbows. Maybe Chan’s heart was just a little tight at his sleepy look. Just a little.

"What’s going on…?"

"It’s eight. Do you have class?"

" … Oh, shit."

He then collapsed back against the chest on which he had slept, burying his face in the fabric of the hoodie. The psychology student stifled a laugh while the brunette complained against him.

"I missed my dance history class…"

"Sorry. If I had known you had a class, I would have set up an alarm." Chan apologized.

Hyunjin hummed, cuddling with him under Changbin’s amused gaze.

"Are you staying for breakfast?" He asked. "Jisung will be getting up soon."

"Well… I really should go home to get ready… I can’t miss all the classes of the day."

"Oh, we can get you some bathroom stuff. And I’m sure Chan will be happy to lend you some clothes."

Chan licked his lips nervously, trying not to get carried away by the idea of Hyunjin in his clothes. Even less in one of his hoodies. The brunette seemed to hesitate.

"Bin. Order McDonalds for breakfast."

"Are you trying to buy my time with junk food?" Hyunjin asked while getting up.

"Perhaps?" Chan laughed.

"Hmm… Fine. You won, I’m staying. But I have to be gone by 10:00!"

"Then let’s hurry up and order." Changbin said, taking his phone.

•

Chan looked at Hyunjin moving into his apartment, hurrying to gather his things. Unsurprisingly, his jeans had been too short for the brunette, but he had just rolled them, saying it was fashionable. On the other hand, his sweaters, already oversized for Chan, seemed to engulf the young man. Not that it bothered Chan, the vision of Hyunjin in his sweater, really did something to his heart.

The brunette quickly put on his sneakers and coat, before catching a backpack filled with an old pencil case with a few pens and a notepad of paper. That was all Chan had found in his old stuff so that Hyunjin could take some note.

"I’ll bring you everything back next morning, before my classes."

"It’s okay, don’t worry."

He offered him a smile before saying goodbye and going out. Chan waited a moment, that the door closed, before sighing. He really shouldn’t be doing that…

•

Jisung was unpacking his lunch, putting his bag on the wooden table. It was now mid-October and the weather had really cooled down, leaving a lot more space on the outdoor picnic tables. Few people still had the courage to eat outside in this temperature, which left more space for Jisung to evolve.

Today, he couldn’t eat with Chan and Changbin because their schedules didn’t fit. So he was determined to eat alone. Weeks before, he would have run to his apartment to eat in its security, not wanting to face the eyes of others. However, now things were better. He felt less spied on every move he made. The fact that most of the outdoor space on campus is empty also helps.

He was going to attack his leftover burger ordered this morning, when a bag also landed on the wooden table on which he was sitting. Freezing himself at once, half-way through his food, he looked up at the person who had seen fit to come and speak to him.

He certainly didn't expect to see blond hair and freckles, belonging to his roommate’s ex-boyfriend.

"Hey." Felix gently said with a smile. "May I sit?"

Swallowing, Jisung quickly weighed the pros and cons. Felix really didn’t look rude. He didn’t think he was here to make fun of him or anything. However, he was Changbin’s ex. Why was he here?

Not waiting for an answer, the blond sit down on the bench, taking out his own food.

"Why?" Jisung stammered.

"Why what?"

"Why did you come to me?"

Felix seemed really surprised by the question.

"Well… I usually eat with friends at this time, but they’re not here today. I was going to eat alone, but I saw you and I thought, "Why not eat with Jisung and get to know each other better?""

They looked at each other for a moment before Felix pouted, looking a little less sure of him.

"Unless you don’t want me here… "

"Are you here because of Changbin? I won’t help you get back together."

"It’s not all about him." The blond quickly said, rolling his eyes. "I’m not here because of him, I really want to get to know you… We’re the same age and you always seem so… nervous at the club. I thought if we made friends, it would make you feel better."

Jisung hummed, before carefully taking a bite of his food. Felix, seeming to understand that he wasn't going to get kicked off the table, also began to eat.

"Bin told me a little bit about you… Are you the anxious roommate?"

Jisung stifled a dry laugh.

"We are all anxious."

"Ah." Felix laughed. "I mean, social anxiety? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable."

"Yes, it’s me… And it’s okay, I know you a little bit because of the club, it’s less anxiety-provoking than if you were a complete stranger."

Felix smiled at him, seeming happy to hear that he wasn’t making him uncomfortable.

"What studies are you doing?" The blond asked. "You didn’t talk about it during the first meeting, and I’m curious."

"I’m in my second year of music production…"

"How did a psychology student, a sports student and a music production student, all from a different year, end up being roommates?" Felix laughed. "That’s a funny arrangement. Did you know each other before college?"

"No." Jisung replied, finishing his burger. "Changbin and Chan met when Bin arrived at university. Chan placed an ad because he was looking for a third roommate and they clicked right away… You must know this, but Changbin runs the music production club and I signed up for it on top of my classes… So I met them there. They offered to come and live with them when their roommate left."

"I see… I think it’s nice that the three of you are working well despite the fact that you have very different interests."

Jisung hummed.

"What about you? Do you live on campus?"

"Oh no. My parents pay a small apartment not far from university. I stayed on campus for the first six months of freshman year, but my roommate was a horror… I couldn’t live in such a small space with him, so I left."

"It must be nice to live alone. You don’t owe anyone anything…"

"It certainly has its advantages… But you feel lonely very quickly…"

"It’s true… Our apartment is rarely empty or silent." Jisung laughed. "But I wouldn’t mind being alone, I like that."

Felix finished eating, taking his time to put back his stuff in his bag.

"I’m sorry. I have to go." He apologized. "I have a paper due soon and I have to work on it... But it was super cool to talk to you! I hope we can become friends…"

The brunette nodded, the cheeks becoming a little red.

"Can we exchange our numbers?" Felix asked.

"Oh, yes, of course."

The youngest giggled while handing him his phone, seeming far too happy to just have a phone number.

•

Chan sit down against the wall of the stairwell, putting his bag next to him, while his friends were laughing, sitting around. He was beginning to rummage through his bag, looking for the rest of McDonalds that would be his lunch, when his phone vibrated in his pocket.

Hyunnie ✨

1:10 PM | Hey. Can I stay with you during lunch?

Chan quickly turned to his group of friends.

"Do you mind if someone joins us?"

"No." Bambam, the oldest, replied while shrugging his shoulders.

"Who?" Hongjoong asked, crunching through his food.

"Uh… just a friend."

He only half listened to Yanan’s whistling innuendo as he answered to Hyunjin.

Chris

1:12 PM | Of course. I’ll introduce you to my friends. We’re in the literature building, on the ground floor, under the stairs.

1:13 PM | Are you alone?

Hyunnie ✨

1:13 PM | Ok, I’m on my way.

1:14 PM | I avoid the rugby team…

Chan pouted at the sight of the text.

"Is that Hyunjin?" Changbin asked.

"Yeah."

"Hyunjin? Like Hwang Hyunjin, the cheerleader captain?" Bambam asked.

"Yes." The blond replied.

"Oh~ I didn’t know you knew him~." Yanan said.

Chan signed, feeling his cheeks warm.

'He’s just a friend. And don’t make any comments when he’s here, you’re going to make him uncomfortable."

"We’ll see." Yanan laughed. "We’re not going to miss an opportunity to embarrass you."

The older one was about to complain, when a brunette head passed through his field of vision.

"Funny place to eat." Hyunjin said, laughing.

"Maybe, but it’s quiet." Chan replied.

Changbin moved, making room between them. The cheerleader thanked him, sitting against the wall, almost glued against Chan.

"So Hyunjin, this is Bambam, Yanan and Hongjoong. They’re in my class."

"Oh, nice to meet you!"

They discussed quickly, starting to eat their food, when the brunette leaned towards Chan, giving him a little shoulder. He turned to him, humming a silent question.

"You- I’m really holding you back." He whispered.

"What? What did I do?"

"Next time you lend me a hoodie… Make sure there’s nothing incriminating on it."

Chan raised an eyebrow, before Hyunjin grabbed the front of the sweatshirt and pushed it towards him. There he saw the small motif embroidered on his chest. His heart missed a beat. In his eagerness this morning, he wanted to give a hoodie whose sleeves weren't ruined by his teeth, and which was still in good enough condition to look new. However, he had given him his swim team hoodie, with the team logo embroidered on the front. Fortunately, it was only a generic hoodie, given as a gift to the team at the end of the last competition season. So there was no embroidered name behind it, unlike his team jacket.

"It’s okay." He said. "It could have been worse. My name isn't embroidered."

"There may not have your fucking name, Mister Bang. But the cheer girls saw the embroidery, and they started asking me which member of the swim team I had spent the night with. This afternoon, it will have been all over the university." He complained. "There are not 46 of you on this team, as far as I know."

The older student pouted, remembering that there were actually only eight of them on the team. Two had been in a relationship for a long time, at least long enough for it to be known. Three were known to be straight. There were only three people left in the pile, including him, who could be suspected.

'Are you afraid the university will think you’re sleeping with me?"

"No." Hyunjin quickly said as his ears turned red. "I just don’t like it when there are false rumors about me."

"If you’re not having sex, then why are you wearing his hoodie?" Yanan laughed softly.

Both raised their heads, blushing as they tried to make excuses.

"We played video games until late." Chan ended up saying. "Hyunjin stayed and I just lent him clothes so he could take his classes."

Yanan hummed, a smirk painted on his face. He clearly didn't believe what they were saying.

"You see." Hyunjin whispered. "That’s how rumors spread."

"I'm sorry. I’ll be more careful next time."

The cheerleader hummed, bringing the fabric of the hoodie against his nose.

"It’s okay, the rumors probably won’t be about you anyway."

"Why?"

"Well… You’re straight, so there is little chance that people think I slept with you."

Chan was about to answer, when Changbin burst out laughing on the other side. Hyunjin was going to ask why he was laughing, when his phone rang.

"Shit, I have to go." Hyunjin said. "I have a paper due, like, in an hour. I have to run home to get it."

He quickly got up, gathering his things. 

"See you later." He said quickly, ruffling Chan’s hair.

The oldest had no time to say anything before the other ran away. There was a slight silence, before Chan put his hand in his hair to try to discipline them again. Not at all to try to get a reminiscence of the hand of the brunette in his hair.

"I can’t believe he thinks you’re straight." Changbin laughed.

"Maybe it’s better that way." Chan gently said.

"You’re not going to deny it?" Hongjoong asked, surprised.

"Not if he doesn’t ask me. That would be embarrassing."

Hongjoong and the others looked at each other before shrugging their shoulders. After all, that was their problem.

•

Hyunnie ✨

3:20 PM | Hey. Why did Changbin laugh earlier?

Chan raised his head from his phone, trying to focus on the teacher who explained to them and demonstrated the body reflexes related to certain situations. However, his phone vibrated again.

Hyunnie ✨

3:22 PM | Hey Mister Bang~ Don’t leave me on read. @_@

Chris

3:24 PM | I try to write down my class, unlike someone ~

Hyunnie ✨

3:25 PM | You’re mean. ㅠㅠ

3:25 PM | I’m on break.

Why did Hyunjin use cute emojis all the time? It made it so much more complicated not to smile foolishly as soon as he received texts from him. Chan had no right to develop a crush on him. It was written in big bold, at the top of his Not to do list.

Chris

3:27 PM | Well, I'm not~

Hyunnie ✨

3:28 PM | Chrisssssssssssssssssssss  \(>o<)/

3:29 PM | Why was Changbin laughing? I want to know!

Chris

3:34 PM | He was laughing because you said I was straight.

Read at 3:34 PM.

Holding a sigh, he focused again on the class. Well, it was missed to not to make things awkward between them…

•

Jeongin left his last class of the day, feeling exhausted. He had waited until the whole class was empty, so that he could go out last. He didn't want to rub shoulders with the crowd. He readjusted his bag on his shoulder, ready to reach the university exit, when a hand landed on his back.

He jumped, holding back a scream. His heart missed a beat as he struggled to get away from the person. They dropped him immediately.

"Don’t touch me!"

"I’m sorry. I forgot."

The young man walked away, turning to the somewhat familiar voice, to see Seungmin standing beside him. The brunette put his glasses on his nose, clearly destabilized by Jeongin’s reaction.

"You scared me…"

"Sorry, really. I did it out of habit, it got out of my head."

Jeongin hummed, uncomfortable. What did the other one want from him? He had to hurry up to go, otherwise he was going to miss his bus.

"Did you want something?" He hurriedly asked.

"Um, not really… I saw you come out of class, and I thought I’d come and talk to you."

"I’m sorry. I don’t have time. I have to catch my bus."

"Oh… Okay… Can I come with you to the stop?"

More and more uncomfortable, the youngest looked away, trying to find an excuse to refuse. Would Seungmin take it wrong if he declined again? He didn’t look mean, but he clearly didn’t want to make him angry…

Jeongin finally nodded, agreeing that Seungmin should accompany him. What could go wrong? They were going to be on the street. There were people. He could easily ask for help if the young man came after him.

"You look nervous." Seungmin gently said, walking with him, leaving some distance between them.

"Yes, I… I’ve always been like that…"

"Ah? You know, there are very good remedies for nervousness… It helps me a lot in general, especially during exams…"

The young man hummed again, trying to appear interested. However, his mind was running at full speed on Seungmin and his possible intentions towards him. Without realizing it, they quickly arrived at the bus stop.

"How long before your bus arrives?"

"In two minutes."

"I’ll wait with you then."

"Don’t you take it?" Jeongin asked, curious.

"No, I live on campus." Seungmin replied, shrugging his shoulders.

"So why did you come with me? I thought you took the bus too."

Seungmin raised an eyebrow to Jeongin’s backward motion.

"I just wanted to have a little chat, to get to know each other… Are you… afraid of me?"

"No. Don't be foolish." The youngest replied with a trembling voice.

"Jeongin, are you-"

He didn't have time to finish his sentence, because the bus parked in front of them. Without a goodbye, Jeongin jumped in as soon as the doors opened.

"Jeongin, wait a minute-"

The doors closed, leaving a Seungmin in shock on the sidewalk. Jeongin took a seat on the bus, on the other side, so as not to have to look at his surprised and full of pity face that he must have displayed.

Now he was going to have to avoid him…

•

Hyunnie ✨

7:53 PM | What do you mean? You’re not straight?

Chan put his phone back, his heart beating anxiously in his ribcage. Shit. Hyunjin had left him on read all afternoon, causing him more anxiety than he needed, and he would come back in his messages in the evening to resume the conversation as if nothing had happened.

Wiping his sweaty palms on his pants, he picked up his plate of pasta to finish it quickly.

"Chan, are you all right?" Jisung asked.

"Yeah, just tired."

His phone vibrated against his thigh again.

Hyunnie ✨

7:55 PM | Hey Chris, don’t leave me on read.

7:55 PM | I know I left you in read all the afternoon, I’m sorry! >.<;;

7:56 PM | The class has resumed and I haven't had a second to answer you so far.

Chan fiddled his fingers, tried to be convinced by what he said. He didn’t really seem uncomfortable…

•

Hyunjin was rolling on his bed, frantically tapping on his phone to send messages to the swimmer. He returned a grumbling of frustration to the Read at 7:56 PM, which appeared under his messages.

Drama Lama 🍀

7:57 PM | Mister Bang! I know you’re reading the messages. >ㅁ<

Mister Bang 🌊💙

7:59 PM | Sorry, I was busy.

Drama Lama 🍀

7:59 PM | Lol Stop lying. Say you were pouting because I didn’t answer you all afternoon.

Mister Bang 🌊💙

8:03 PM | I thought I made you uncomfortable…

The cheerleader raised an eyebrow. Uncomfortable? Uncomfortable with what? If Chan was talking about his last message about not being straight....

Hyunjin hadn't been uncomfortable. Well, he had been very surprised. It had turned in his head during all the afternoon, incapacitating him to concentrate perfectly on the practice of the new choreography. Chan didn’t really have the profile of a guy who liked guys, but again, he was no one to judge. He just hid it well.

More than that, he had felt a touch of joy at the news. Probably because at least he felt he could be fully understood. Not at all because Chan was a pretty cute boy.

Drama Lama 🍀

8:05 PM | Uncomfortable?

8:05 PM | Because you are not straight?

8:06 PM | Of course not! I will not hide that I am surprised •ㅅ• but not uncomfortable!

8:06 PM | I’m gay. Why would that make me uncomfortable?

Mister Bang 🌊💙

8:07 PM | I don’t know. I just got anxious…

Drama Lama 🍀

8:08 PM | Sorry. I should have at least sent you a message.

8:09 PM | But. You’re really not straight?

8:09 PM | No offense, but you don’t look gay.

Mister Bang 🌊💙

8:10 PM | I'm pan.

8:10 PM | Don’t you believe me?

Drama Lama 🍀

8:11 PM | Well. You dated the same girl for 3 years. I think that’s enough to forget the taste of a dick.

Mister Bang 🌊💙

8:12 PM | You are disgusting. ┬┴┬┴┤(·_├┬┴┬┴

Drama Lama 🍀

8:13 PM | YOU USE EMOJIS  (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:·ﾟ✧

Mister Bang 🌊💙

8:14 PM | Because of you.

8:14 PM | I copy pasted it from internet.

Drama Lama 🍀

8:15 PM | I’m not really surprised.  ┐(シ)┌

•

"Hey, Jisung!"

The youngest raised his head, surprised, when a blur of blond hair almost crushed on him. Recognizing Felix immediately, he let himself be.

They had been texting almost non-stop for a week, and Jisung had to admit that he was really nice. They had immediately hooked on many subjects, including making fun of Changbin. Speaking of Changbin, Jisung had told him absolutely nothing about his new budding friendship with the blond. He wasn’t sure what his roommate would think, so he preferred to keep it a secret for now.

"Hi Lix."

"Are you done with classes?"

"For now. I have tutoring later in the day."

"Will you join me for coffee?"

The brunette began to pout, but he was quickly cut off by the dancer.

"I know a coffee shop where there’s a floor. It’s rarely crowded. It’s super quiet, I promise!"

"Hmm… Okay. I follow you."

Jumping almost with joy, the blond dragged him off campus, on an adjacent street where a small family coffee shop was held. Once set up, they began discussing their day of classes until the waitress brought them their coffee.

"So?" Felix started. "Did you decide whether or not to come to the club meeting tomorrow?"

Jisung pouted, clearly not excited by the idea.

"I don’t know… There are a lot of people…"

"But you know most of us now, don’t you? I mean, Chan and Changbin are out of the category because you’re roommates. I think I can safely say that we are friends now… Right?"

"Of course we’re friends, Lix!"

"Glad to hear it! So I’m out of the category too." He laughed. "From what I’ve been following, you did get to know Hyunjin a little better? He told me that he had breakfast with you a few days ago…"

"Yes…"

"So it’s just Jeongin, Seungmin and Minho. This is going to be the third time you see them, and they didn’t say anything weird to you."

The brunette took a sip of his iced coffee.

"Minho makes me anxious."

"Ah?"

"Yeah… I don’t know why… He has this kind of aura around him that causes me anxiety."

"Well, I don’t know him any more than that, but I don’t think he’s mean. If it makes you feel better, I’ll sit next to you."

"You realize that you will literally be sitting at a seat from Changbin." Jisung quietly giggled.

"Don’t tell me that!" The blond complained. "I still can’t believe we both joined this club, to complain about each other."

Quietly humming, Jisung leaned against his chair.

"You know, he misses you." He gently said.

"I miss him too…" Felix admitted.

"So why aren’t you talking to each other?"

"Because we’re going to fall back on our traditional pattern… I don’t want to try to get back together with him without us trying to solve our problems first."

"Do you still love him?" Jisung asked, surprised.

"Of course… But don’t repeat it."

"All right." He laughed.

The blond finished his drink before gently singing the song that could be heard on the radio.

"I think you should talk to the club." Felix finally say. "It would help you…"

"I know, it’s just complicated to talk to people I don’t know…"

"Yes, that’s true… But at the end of the day, it’s people you don’t know that are the easiest to ignore if you want to."

Jisung gently nodded.

"I’ll think about it."

Chapter Text

Chan was tapping his nails against the table, waiting for everyone to arrive for the club meeting. He glanced at his bag, the nervousness taking hold of him. He was certain that what he had planned today would be very useful in moving everyone along, but on the other hand, it would put him in pain.

Well, it would mostly put him in pain next week, if all went well.

He came out of his thoughts with loud voices coming from the corridor. Curious, he passed a head, discovering Jeongin and Seungmin, who were heading towards him.

"Leave me alone!"

"Jeongin, just listen to me."

"I’m telling you to leave me alone! You don’t know anything, so shut up."

"So you admit that what I implied happened? You went to the police at least?"

"Forget about it, Seungmin!"

The older one cleared his throat, interrupting them.

"What’s going on?"

"Nothing." The youngest hastened to answer.

"Jeongin-" Seungmin began.

"I said nothing!" Jeongin almost shouted with a sharp glance.

Seungmin remained silent as Jeongin entered the room, settling in his usual place. The older one glanced at Seungmin, but Seungmin told him to drop the case.

They entered, and quickly, everyone arrived as well, so that he could begin the session.

A glance at Hyunjin is enough to make him hot. The young man was still wearing his team hoodie. When he returned his belongings, he explained to Chan that he couldn't return the hoodie to him right now, because he had stained it. So he wanted to wash it before giving it back.

It was several days before, and now he was wearing it again. Not that it bothered Chan. He rarely wore this hoodie because it kept him too warm. If Hyunjin wanted to keep it… He certainly could.

He climbed up on his chair, sitting on the back so he could see everyone.

"Hello! I hope you’re okay. How was your week?"

The young man quickly listened to the various members of the group tell about their week. Apparently, everyone had rather spent a calm week, despite the winter atmosphere and the seasonal depression starting to dig their hole in their lives.

"Good. I’m glad to hear that everyone looks pretty good. Today’s session may be a little… rough."

In front of some interlinked gaze, he hastened to continue.

'We’re going to talk about some things, and for the sake of our progress, I’m going to ask questions and bounce back on what you’re saying. I could be rude and you could take this very wrong. Or what someone else will say, because the discussion is obviously open to everyone."

He took a breath.

"So, if it gets too much for you, you have the right to say stop. Then we’ll move on to someone else. You have the right to go out and get some air as well if you need it. The purpose of today’s exercise is to highlight the connections you have left with the person. Does everybody feel good about that?"

Chan glanced at everyone while catching his little notebook. Most of them looked nervous, especially Jeongin and Hyunjin. Changbin and Felix clearly seemed uncomfortable, obviously because of each other’s presence. But in Chan’s opinion, it will do them good to hear what he had to say.

"Changbin, would you like to start?"

"If it's necessary…"

"What did you bring with you today?"

Quickly rolling up his sleeve, the young man displayed a pretty leather bracelet, with a few beads. He quickly detached it to put his fingers on it more easily.

"I brought that bracelet."

Chan hummed, recognizing the jewel right away.

"Tell us about it. Who gave it to you? Why?"

"Felix gave it to me on my last birthday."

"I didn’t think you were still wearing it." Felix said.

"Well… I care about it."

The psychology student stopped himself from rolling his eyes, focusing on what he had written in his notebook.

"Why do you care about it?"

The question seemed to confuse Changbin. He frowned, answering in an uncertain tone.

"Felix gave it to me."

"Okay. You’d be willing to throw it in the garbage right now if I asked you?"

Everyone turned their heads to him, shocked by his question. Felix seemed very clearly offended, rising to speak.

"No! Are you nuts-"

"Felix, it’s not about you here. You may have connections to this object as well, but you don’t have to interfere with Changbin’s choice here. Please sit down."

The dancer opened his mouth in shock. Chan knew that he was rude now, but it was for the good of the experience. The blond took his place while Hyunjin rubbed his back in support.

"What about you, Changbin?"

"Of course not!"

"Why?"

The sports student began to stammer, seeming to seek how to vocalize his thoughts.

"Is it because it’s a gift?"

"No-"

"Is it because it’s a jewel?"

"No, I-"

"Is it because it's from Felix?"

The young man was silent, not knowing what to say. They looked into each other’s eyes for a moment before Chan looked away.

"Felix, I want to see what you brought back, before I talk about you two."

The blond growled, before rummaging in his bag. He took out a very pretty snowball with a white base, which he placed on the table.

"A snowball, okay…" Chan said, surprised by the choice.

"Do you still have that thing?" Changbin breathed, surprised."

The dancer gave them an angry look, clearly still unhappy with what he had asked Changbin previously.

"Of course I still have it!"

"Changbin bought it for you?" Chan asked.

"He won it at the carnival for me on our first date."

Chan clenched his teeth. Oh boy, the gift looked much more sentimental, Felix was going to be mad. He was really hoping he wouldn’t get a hit before the end of the meeting.

"How long have you been dating? About a year, right?"

"Yes, if we omit the cuts…"

"So you’ve been keeping that snowball with you for a year."

"Yes…" He replied with caution.

"Where do you keep it?"

"What do you mean?"

The older one got up, starting to walk around the room.

"I guess you care about it, so you have to have it prominently at home, right? It’s certainly not in a shoe box in your closet. What room is it in? And where?"

"In my room… On my desk."

"Has that always been his place?"

"Yes."

He hummed, circling the table to reach the side where Felix was sitting.

"If I ask you to throw it away immediately, you’re going to say no to me, aren’t you?

"Of course I’ll tell you no!" The blond replied, upset.

"I thought so."

Chan simply reached out his hand to Felix. A silence invaded the room while everyone held his breath in front of the situation. The dancer went down with his eyes to the outstretched hand in front of him, before returning to Chan's gaze, uncertain of what he wanted.

"Give it to me." Chan ordered.

"Why? What are you going to do with it?"

"I’ll take it and throw it away."

The young man opened his mouth, ready to answer, the anger painted on his face. However, nothing came out of his throat.

"Or, if you prefer, I’ll smash it on the ground in front of your eyes."

"N- No, but what’s wrong with you? Did you lose it or something?" Felix shouted.

"Give it to me." He ordered again.

"No!"

"Give it."

Chan didn't move an inch. He insisted for long minutes, asking him to give him the snowball, while he watched Felix gradually decompose. His eyes had become wet from trying to hold back his tears. His hands were tense on the snowball, keeping it against him.

He suddenly felt a hand, which he identified as Hyunjin's as he was sitting behind him, grabbing the back of his hoodie. The hand pulled a little, wanting to make him back, as a warning. Changbin got up from his chair, hissing with anger.

"Chan. That’s enough."

"This isn’t about you, Bin."

"If you make him cry, I swear I’ll hit you." He grunted.

Chan signed, dropping his hand as he stepped back. The other boys were staring at him, in shock.

"You can put your snowball away, Felix." He said gently. "I think I’ve shown what I have to show."

The blond looked at him going around the table as he quickly wiped his eyes with his sleeve, wiping out some of his makeup. Chan climbed on the back of his chair again.

"I warned I would be rude." He said. "Do you want to take five minutes, Felix?"

The young man sniffed, sheltering his object in his bag. He shook his head negatively.

"Good. I think what I’ve demonstrated is pretty clear about you two, no need to say it out loud… Your biggest problem is your lack of communication, as you’ve already implied. I think if you took the time to talk, a lot of things could work out…"

Silence invades the room, before Chan turns to Jisung.

"Jisung?"

"I… Can I speak first?"

Chan raised an eyebrow, surprised, before smiling at him.

"Sure, go ahead."

The brunette played with his hands, suddenly becoming much more nervous. He glanced at the others in the room, while his gaze found Felix’s. His friend gave him a smile that he hoped would be reassuring, trying to encourage him to speak.

"I- I was in a couple for a few months with a boy… In the end, he realized that we didn’t look alike at all and-and he left me, because I’m more of an introvert… But after that, a lot of rumors circulated about me… And it really hurt me…"

"I’m glad you talked about it." Chan gently said.

Jisung nodded, proud to have succeeded in doing it by himself. He searched in his coat pocket, taking out an old box of matches.

"Are there still matches in there?" Chan asked.

"No, I cracked them all."

"Okay…"

"It doesn’t really have a connection to him… But I found it in one of the kitchen drawers when I was looking for chocolate, after he dumped me…"

Chan took a look at Changbin, before focusing again on his young roommate. According to each other’s surprise gaze, he probably didn’t know either.

"I cracked one every day I wasn’t doing well…"

"Did that help you?" Chan asked.

"Not really, but it was nice to watch the flame burn…"

"You said you cracked them all, when did you finish it?"

"About a week ago…"

"Why didn’t you throw the box then?" Suddenly Minho asked.

"I don’t know." Jisung nervously replied. "I just put it in a drawer."

The oldest hummed, bringing Jisung’s attention to himself.

"Why did you choose to take this box instead of something else?

"I have nothing left from Joo- from him… All I had was photos, but I deleted them after the break-up…"

"Do you think this is the last physical link you have with him?"

Jisung paused, seeming to think about the question.

"I think so…"

Chan got up, grabbing the garbage can of the room before stopping next to Jisung. He said nothing, just waiting. The youngest had to understand the message immediately, throwing the empty box in the trash without any ulterior motives. The elder quickly patted his shoulder before resting the trash.

"I’m proud of you, Jisung. You’ve shared a lot today. I think you’re on the good way. Don’t stop."

The youngest nodded, blushing a little under the attention.

"Seungmin?"

The young man took out a small notebook from his bag and placed it in front of him, keeping it closed.

"It’s… a collection of poems I wrote for her when we were together."

"Is the notebook filled?" Chan asked.

"No." Seungmin replied, opening the notebook to scroll through the pages quickly.

"How many are there?"

"I didn’t count them… but the book is 90 pages, I think I had to fill half of it… so I would say 35, maybe 40…"

"That’s a lot of poems for such a short relationship."

Seungmin scowled, closing the notebook.

"I am easily inspired." He half grunted.

"Hm… How long did your relationship last?"

"Approximately 3 weeks…"

"21 days for 40 poems… That’s almost two poems a day. You said you weren’t very attached."

"That's the case."

The elder held a sigh.

"All right." He abdicated. "Do you care about that notebook?"

"A little bit. I like the poems I’ve written."

"Do you just like poems? Or do you like what they remind you of?"

"I like poems."

"Okay. Give me the book."

"For you to throw it away?" The young man sarcastically asked.

Chan shook his head negatively, slightly surprising Seungmin.

"No. You said that you just care about poems for what they are… If you tell the truth, I have no reason to throw it away… I’ll keep it for a few weeks, and then I’ll give it back to you."

The young man looked at him in a suspicious way before sliding the notebook towards him without asking any more questions.

"As long as you don’t ruin it …"

"I promise." Chan said, retrieving it and storing it in his backpack. "I just keep it. I won’t touch it."

Seungmin hummed as he watched him closing his bag.

"I’m not allowed a little report of what you’ve learned from this discussion?"

"I’m not sure you like what I’m saying... But if you want, I can."

"No, I’ll be fine."

Offering him a smile, Chan turned to the remaining three.

"Whose turn is it?"

"I feel like I’m watching police interrogations." Hyunjin said while laughing nervously.

"It’s not just an impression." Felix whispered beside him.

The young man cast a sympathetic glance at the blond beside him, before designating himself to speak. Chan nodded, watching Hyunjin pull a baseball out of his bag.

"A baseball?"

"I got it on our last date… We went to a baseball game because his favorite team was playing… We went a long way to see them… I got the ball when a player threw it to me… But it doesn’t bring back very good memories…"

"Why?"

"Well, first of all, because we fought for the ball." He bitterly laughed. "The player almost gave it to me hand-to-hand, but he-she still insisted on getting it back, because I don’t care about baseball… And then, because that’s when I realized that she definitely didn’t care about me…"

"What happened?" Chan pushed.

Hyunjin turned the ball between his fingers, remaining focused on it.

"I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a baseball game, but there are big screens above the stadium, where they play text, images, etc. And there’s this American tradition, which is called the Kiss Cam. At intermission, if the camera shows you, you have to kiss.

"That’s a silly tradition." Minho commented.

"I think it’s cute." Felix said.

"I thought it was cute too, until she refused to kiss me when we were chosen."

A silence hovered over the room. Chan reinstalled himself in his chair.

"You said you’ve come a long way. Where was the game?"

"I don’t remember the name of the town, but we drove about three hours." He replied.

"So… She wasn’t afraid that someone would recognize you…"

"No. She just didn’t want to show up with me at all…"

Chan pouted, feeling sorry for Hyunjin. Unlike the others, he knew the whole story. Knowing that Hyunjin had to face Woojae almost every day, and pretending to be his friend, made him sad himself.

"Why did you keep the ball?"

"When we separated, I put everything that reminded me of our relationship in a box, and I hid it in my closet so I couldn’t think about it anymore. I only took it out because you asked me to bring something back."

"That’s a good reflex to help to make a break ... but why not throw it away?"

"I couldn’t bring myself to do it…"

"Throw it away."

Hyunjin raised his head, looking Chan in the eye.

"Right now?"

"No. I want you to take your time. I want you to take this box that you told me about and empty it little by little. Start with items that may be less valuable than the ball…"

"Okay…"

"Subconsciously, when you keep this box, you keep the links. Even if it’s out of sight, it stays, like a box in your head, that holds the memories. To throw them away is to make a final decision, it's irremediable… You don’t have to throw everything away until next week. Go at your own pace…"

He nodded, putting the ball away. Chan wanted to tell him so much more. Tell him to stop hurting himself by continuing to spend time with Woojae. Telling him that even if he no longer had feelings, it could continue to hurt him a lot more than if he did. However, he couldn’t say all that now, with the others around.

He thanked him, asking Minho to take over. Minho took a necklace out of his pocket and put it on the table. It was a nice pendant, mounted on a silver chain.

"He gave it to me."

"What was the occasion?" Chan asked.

Minho shrugged, somewhat indifferent.

'I don’t really remember. It had to be on an important date, like our one-month together?"

"Why did you keep the necklace when you don’t really care about it? Well, I guess, since you don’t even remember the occasion."

"I just kept it like that. I don’t wear it anymore."

"Are you still seeing him? You’re in the same group of friends, right?"

"No, we don’t see each other anymore. We make sure we don’t cross paths when we go out with mutual friends."

Chan hummed.

"I advise you to get rid of the necklace. Like I said, it’s bad to keep links."

Minho raised an eyebrow, making the necklace fall to the ground. Chan didn't have time to intervene, as the brown had already kicked in, breaking the fragile pendant.

"I meant… maybe give it or sell it." Chan stammered while watching him throw the remains of the pendant in the trash, keeping the chain.

"Faster." Minho said.

The psychology student blinked before turning to others. Everyone looked at them, just as surprised by his choice.

"Well… As long as you agree with that." Chan sighed. "Jeongin?"

The youngest bit his lip, before taking the umbrella he had placed against the wall. He placed it on the table.

"I didn’t keep anything. So I brought an umbrella…"

"Okay." Chan gently said, confused.

If front of the silence that followed this statement, Chan decided to continue.

"Why did you choose an umbrella?"

"Because it stopped on a rainy day."

"What stopped? Your relationship?"

"Uh… Yes."

The older one frowned. Of all the members of this club, Jeongin was the one who looked the most like an enigma to him… The boy didn't speak much, and everything he agreed to give as information only lost him a little more.

"Okay, is that… a happy or unhappy memory?" He asked, curious.

"Happy…"

"Were you glad your relationship ended?"

Jeongin nodded his head, keeping his eyes on the umbrella. Chan pouted before picking up something from the corner of his eye. Seungmin was moving on his chair, clearly nervous. He seemed to want to intervene, but he wasn’t.

"Seungmin, do you have something to say?"

Jeongin raised his head, shooting the art student from his eyes. The other clenched his fist, as a battle of eyes was being played across the table.

"No, he has nothing to say." Jeongin said. "I don’t want to hear it."

"Everyone is allowed to talk around this table, Jeongin…" Chan gently recalled.

"So I say stop…"

The blond sighed, passing a hand in his hair trying to think.

"Well, okay… That’s your right…"

Silence invaded the room as Chan glanced at the time they had left.

"Thanks to everyone for playing along. I apologize if I offended you."

He leaned over, grabbing his backpack before pulling something out of it. He quickly caressed the familiar strap of the camera, before placing it on the table in front of him, under the surprised looks of Changbin and Jisung.

"I also brought back an object, so if you want revenge... Don’t deprive yourself."

"What is it?" Felix asked, from the other side of the table, squinting at the object.

Chan took it in hand again.

"It’s an old camera my parents bought me when I left high school… It's not really what is important here, but what it contains. When I was in a relationship with her, I used to take this camera everywhere, and film moments of life… The camera contains about… 300 video rushes of moments with her, spread over the three years."

"Why did you keep them?" Seungmin asked. "Usually, after a break-up, the first thing you get rid of is the photos and videos. It’s quick and easy."

"That’s right… I’ve deleted all the photos and videos from my phone, but not from this camera, why do you think about that?"

Felix leaned back on his chair, crossing his arms.

"Is there a reason?"

"There's a reason behind everything, whether conscious or not. In my case, even if the object was not offered by her, it became a link, in addition to the videos. The two sets are a very bad combo." Chan bitterly laughed.

"Do you still watch the videos sometimes?" Changbin asked, knowing the answer.

"Yes. When I have a bad day, I do it."

"Doesn’t that make everything worse?" Seungmin asked.

"It does."

He sighed, turning the camera in his hands.

"You see, I don’t have feelings for her anymore, yet I stay attached. She manipulated me and made me feel guilty for three years, to the point that even though I was emotionally detached, I still want her back."

He looked down to avoid their looks, which he knew to be filled with pity.

"Delete them." Felix suddenly said. "That’s what you told us to do, no? Get rid of the memories. Why don’t you do it yourself?"

"Because I can’t do it." Chan dry laughed.

"Delete them." Felix said again, harshly.

The eldest was about to answer, but he was interrupted by Hyunjin.

"That’s enough." He said as he rose. "Felix, don’t put your nerves on him."

"No, but wait, he’s the one who-"

"He did this to show you that you were two idiots still in love with each other! You’re not in the same boat here."

Felix was going to fight back, also getting up.

"Don’t fight because of this." Chan gently said. "Guilt is a very strong feeling, which pushes us to do a lot of things… That’s why I can’t delete the videos, I will have the impression of making unforgivable mistakes, which is wrong, of course. This is because there is a huge difference between reality and the idealization I make of it."

There was silence following his statement.

"You see, Felix." Chan said, smiling sadly. "The problem with self-analysis every moment is that it causes more guilt."

He got up from his chair, putting the camera in his bag.

"That’s it for today. Thank you all for coming and participating. See you next week."

Hyunjin gave him a sad look, but Chan ignored him. He didn’t need his pity right now. The feeling of being worthless had happened earlier than he had anticipated and he could feel the ball in his stomach forming as his anxiety soared.

He watched the room empty little by little, leaving only him and Seungmin.

"Can I talk to you quickly?"

"Is this about Jeongin?" Chan asked.

"Yes…"

The elder leaned against the table.

"I’m listening to you."

"I don’t have any evidence of what I’m saying… but I think Jeongin’s relationship was more than toxic. I think-"

He swallowed, crushing the strap of his bag."

"I think his ex was abusing him…"

"Define what you mean by "abusing"." Chan asked cautiously, tensed.

"I’m pretty sure he was hitting him… but it could have gone further. Maybe forcible confinement, maybe rape…"

"You said you had no evidence. How did you suppose that?"

"He has typical reactions from people who have been beaten." Seungmin gently said. "He doesn’t want to be touched. He tensed when you make sudden movements. He has recoil movements…"

Chan hummed. He somehow suspected that Jeongin had faced violence in his life. It wasn't normal to react in this way without any underlying reason. However, he could only assume. It was none of his business, if the youngest didn't confide in him.

"I walked him to his bus stop the other day." Seungmin continued. "Just because I wanted to talk to him, but when he found out I wasn’t even taking the bus, his reaction was strange. As if he expected me to kidnap him or take it out on him…"

"I see… I guess you tried to talk to him about it and he wouldn’t."

"Yes… I think he didn’t even go to the police… or see a specialist for his trauma.”

The eldest sighed.

"What exactly do you expect me to do?" He asked. "If you tell me about it, it’s for a reason."

"I thought maybe you could help him."

"I’m not trained for this… He needs to see a real specialist, who has experience…"

"I know, but he doesn’t listen to me. Maybe you can convince him."

"I’ll try, but I promise nothing…"

Seungmin nodded, thanking him.

"I’m going to keep trying to talk to him on my side too… Thank you Chan, have a good evening."

He watched the youngest man come out of the room and close the door behind him. He let out a long sigh. He slipped on the chair next to him. He could feel the tip in his stomach growing and a lump in his throat forming, almost cutting off his breathing. He leaned forward, putting his head in his arms, on the table. The cold of the table on his forehead hardly relieved him as he began to have difficulty breathing.

Trying to take deep breaths, he clenched his fists to hold back the tremor of the anxiety attack that was mounting in him. He wanted to laugh inwardly. He had felt him go up all the way to the end of the session, without being able to do anything. Just 'cause he felt guilty about deleting those fucking videos.

His panic attack seemed to last for hours, as a hand suddenly touched his arm, startling him and straightening himself. He still hyperventilated, but Hyunjin’s vision next to him, a worried look on his face, didn't help him calm down.

The young man began to rub his back, whispering words of encouragement, as Chan tried to calm his breath. Hyunjin pulled him in his arms, offering him a hug. The eldest let his hands slide along his own hoodie, on Hyunjin’s body, to hang onto the fabric.

"It’ll be okay… Breathe…"

"What are you still doing here?" Chan whispered.

"I was waiting for you outside. I wanted to ask you to go for coffee with me before I came home… But you never went out, so I came to see…"

"I’m sorry…"

Hyunjin stepped back, putting a reassuring hand in the blond’s curls.

"Hey, that’s okay. You should have told Felix to stop."

"I needed to hear it…"

"No… at least not by him and not like that.  How masochistic are you?" The brunette gently laughed.

Chan laughed softly, breathing more normally.

"I don’t answer questions like that until at least the third date."

The brunette laughed.

'You have to hide a lot of kinks."

"Of what?"

"Kinks… You know, like… if you like having sex that’s not really… classic."

"Oh. Well, I never thought about it. I didn’t even know the word." Chan said. "But you have to hide a lot."

Hyunjin gave him a little pat on the shoulder.

"Come on! I won’t confess until the third date!"

They both laughed at each other.

"Are you feeling better...?" Hyunjin gently asked.

"A little… Always feel like I got hit by a bus, like after every panic attack."

"Do you want me to walk you to your apartment?"

"Didn’t you want to go for coffee?"

"Well… Yes, but you look tired…"

"I don’t want to go home now." Chan replied.

"Do you want to come to my house? My parents aren’t here tonight. We can grab a takeaway and watch a movie."

Chan felt his cheeks burning at the question. His mind immediately ran along paths they would rather not think of. When did he become such a pervert? Before, the slightest double-meaning sentence didn’t trigger a whole new field of thought like that. Maybe he really needed to get laid. How long had it been? Three months? Four months maybe.

"The earth to Chris~"

"Excuse me, I’m a bit out of my depth…"

"It’s okay. So, the movie?"

"Yes, of course." He replied, rising.

He leaned over, taking his bag, before adding, knowing full well already the answer:

"Is that my hoodie?"

"Oh uh… yeah.” Hyunjin said, embarrassed, looking down on the hoodie. "I was in a hurry this morning and that was the first thing I found to wear. I’m sorry, I promise I’ll give it back to you!"

"You don’t have to…" Chan whispered.

"Huh?"

"You don’t have to give it back to me if you like it… I never wear it because it keeps me too warm so… If you like it, you can keep it."

Hyunjin’s ears gradually turned red as he looked down on the hoodie again. Finally, he brought his gaze to him, offering him a very pretty smile.

"Oh, thank you!"

Chan felt like he had given his soul to the devil.

Chapter Text

"Where are you taking me?" Jisung complained as he adjusted his hood under a downpour.

"To the gym! At least we’ll be protected from the rain and we can sit in the stands!" Felix shouted over his shoulder.

They were currently running across campus. Not having class at the end of the afternoon, they had both decided to meet to spend time together. They had initially thought they could stay in the library, but neither of them were very discreet and they were fired because they made too much noise.

With such weather, it was out of the question for them to run to either apartment. Felix had then chosen to run to the gym, where certainly club practices were to take place.

They went through the doors, wet, almost dripping. Jisung could hear loud voices and a lot of noise coming from the ground.

"Are you sure we won’t disturb…?"

"Don’t worry! People often come to see them train, they are used to it."

"Oh, ok…"

They advanced quickly, ascending the stands. It was at this time that the brown realized the number of people present on the carpets installed on the floors.

"Wha… It’s the cheer team? But how many are there?"

"A lot." Felix laughed as he sat down. "You only see a small part of it at university sporting events. In reality, they are a whole team. And they also participate in competitions."

"Ah? I didn’t know there were cheerleading competitions… Hyunjin is here?"

"Normally." Felix replied, glancing at the various people. "Ah, there!"

Jisung followed Felix’s finger, to find Hyunjin watching a group of girls do a form.

"He doesn’t participate?"

"Hyunjin has cheered since high school, so he’s pretty experienced, which is why he’s the captain of the team. He helps coaches correct mistakes and lead the group."

Jisung hummed before watching Hyunjin lift his leg above his head and grab it with one hand, to show a girl the position.

"Who. Ok. Chan will certainly be jealous to know that I’ve been here without him."

"Why?" Felix asked, laughing. "The training is open to all, he can attend whenever he wants."

"He’s usually in class now, so even if he wanted to, he couldn’t. Do you think Hyunjin will mind if I take a picture of him and send it to Chan?"

Felix shrugged his shoulders.

"They’re friends, aren’t they? Besides, Hyunjin knows you too. I don’t think it bothers him... But in my opinion, you should take a video instead and right now. I think he’s gonna show a combination."

The brunette hastened to catch his phone to film. He barely had time to zoom in on the cheerleader, who took off in an incalculable number of back jumps, before ending in a spin.

"Oh God." Jisung said, looking at the video again. "It must take a lot of strength…"

"Yes." Felix laughed. "That’s why I don’t do it."

"I’ll send it to Chan."

The only Han 🌰

4:32 PM | Bro.

4:32 PM | Look at this.

4:33 PM | The only Han 🌰 sent a video.

Australian Werewolf 🐺

4:34 PM | Jisung. I’m in the middle of a class here.

The only Han 🌰

4:35 PM | There is no sound. I have mute it.

4:35 PM | You won’t regret it, I promise!

Jisung pouted, beginning to imitate Chan with a nasal voice.

"Jisung. I’m in the middle of a class here."

Felix laughed.

"Like he wasn’t on his phone three-quarters of the time." Jisung complained.

•

Chan was watching Hyunjin’s hair twirl as he bounced like a baby goat on the carpet. He turned off his phone before putting his hands on his face, letting out a grunt of frustration.

He was in so much trouble.

•

Jisung watched the cheer practice, chatting with Felix, when his phone vibrated against his leg.

"Ah! It must be Chan who finally realizes what a mistake he made not watching the video right away."

"Does Chan have a crush on Hyunjin?" Felix curiously asked.

Jisung made a moderate pout, shrugging his shoulders.

"Officially, he didn’t say anything… But unofficially… they’re pretty sticky, aren’t they? How long had it been? Two and a half weeks they started talking? And we’ve already found Hyunjin lying on top of him in the living room."

Felix giggles.

"It doesn’t mean anything. Hyunjin is a clingy bug."

"Chan is, too. But, even if nothing happens between them, I’m glad Hyunjin is there for him. I haven’t seen him like that in a very long time…"

The second vibration of his phone called him to order, having him check who was sending him messages. To his surprise, it wasn't Chan, but his second roommate.

Dark Dwaekki 🐷

5:16 PM | Are you fucking kidding me?

5:18 PM | Oh! I’m talking to you Han. Answer your phone. I know it’s grafted to your hand.

Jisung raised an eyebrow to the messages.

"What does he say?" Felix asked, curious.

"It’s Changbin." Jisung replied with care.

"Ah…"

The only Han 🌰

5:19 PM | Bro? What’s going on?

5:19 PM | What did I do??? ⊙﹏⊙

Dark Dwaekki 🐷

5:20 PM | Fuck, you’re really fucking kidding me

5:20 PM | Where are you now

The only Han 🌰

5:21 PM | In the gym with Felix? We look at the cheering practice. Why?

Dark Dwaekki 🐷

5:22 PM | Since when do you make friends with everyone?!

5:22 PM | How long have you been friends with Felix?

5:22 PM | Like, didn’t you forget to tell me?

Read at 5:23 PM.

"Oh fuck. I’m in trouble."

"Why?"

"Well… I kind of forgot to tell Changbin that you and I are friends now. I was afraid of how he was going to react, so I really didn’t say anything...and he just found out, I don’t know how. He’s super angry."

Felix sighed.

"Anyway, when is he not angry... Did you tell him where we were? Let him come, we’ll explain."

Jisung pouted as Felix took his phone from his hands.

The only Han 🌰

5:25 PM | Bin, it’s Felix. If you want to discuss it calmly, come to the gym.

5:25 PM | It will be better than texting.

Read at 5:25 PM.

They waited a long time, with apprehension, to see if the angry brunette was going to come in the gymnasium. However, minutes passed and no one came, only making them more anxious.

Finally, the practice of cheering ended, leaving the gym to empty little by little. Hyunjin jumped up to them with a towel on his shoulders as he swallowed the contents of a water bottle.

"Hey! What are you doing here?"

"We got kicked out of the library, so we came here instead." Felix said. "Jisung had never seen cheer practice."

"Oh! Did you like it, Jisung? You can try one day if you want."

"Hm…"

The young man was looking away, clearly not focused on the discussion. His legs were bouncing off the stands as he chewed his lip. Hyunjin glanced at his dancing friend, who quickly explained the situation.

"Ah…" Hyunjin gently said, slightly worried. "Changbin isn't a violent person…, isn't it?"

"No." Felix said. "He’s just screaming loudly, but I’m not sure it’s a good idea for Jisung to go home now."

"If he waits, it could make everything worse, wouldn’t it?"

The boys sighed together as Jisung grabbed his phone to watch the time.

"Chan finishes in ten minutes. I’ll wait for him to come home. He’ll be buffer."

"He'll be a buffer?" Hyunjin repeated.

"This is not the first time we’ve had fights in the roommate… Without Chan, I think we would have killed each other already…"

"We’ll wait with you." Felix said.

They went out together, happily realizing that the torrential rain had stopped. The duo of dancers followed Jisung to the exit of a building, where students began to walk through the doors.

"Just in time." He said, seeing a blonde curly head. "Chan!"

The psychology student raised his head. Surprised, he headed towards the trio.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, looking at the three younger students in front of him.

"Long story. But more importantly. Tell me you don’t have any freshman tutoring tonight. Please."

He raised an eyebrow to the strange question.

"No. I was going home. Why?"

"I made Changbin angry…"

The dancers immediately saw the change of attitude on the face of the elder.

"How much?"

"A lot, I think."

"Okay, I’ll come with you."

"Thank you." Jisung complained.

Chan quickly said goodbye to the other two boys, his mind now only focused on what was going to happen at the apartment. He was going away with Jisung when Felix stopped him.

"Can I come over?"

"What? Why?"

"It’s also my fault if Changbin is angry. I need to discuss it with him…"

"I want to come too." Hyunjin said.

The three boys turned to him, surprised.

"I have nothing better to do…"

"Well… If you want, but there’s going to be a lot of screaming…"

"Typically guy’s roommate." Felix said, laughing.

Chan rolled his eyes and smiled, looking already tired by what was to follow. They set off to the boys' apartment. The elder opened the door gently, making them enter in silence.

"Changbin must be in his room. Sit on the couch…"

Felix and Hyunjin moved immediately, sitting where they were told. They watched Jisung wrinkle his hands as Chan took off his hoodie, leaving him in a sleeveless shirt.

He walked down the hall, followed by Jisung, out of the field of vision of the dancers.

"I shouldn’t, but I think it’s fucking sexy." Hyunjin whispered."

Felix looked at him sideways, clearly not surprised by what was going through Hyunjin’s mind at the time. Jisung’s voice rose in the corridor.

"Bin?"

Then there was screaming. They heard Changbin yelling at anyone who would hear him that he was going to kill him, while Jisung was screaming in a high voice, trying to apologize and save his ass. From time to time they could hear Chan raising his voice to calm them over the mess.

Then at one point, nothing. Silence. Felix got up first, wanting to see what was happening, quickly followed by his brunette friend. They passed a head in the corridor, curious. Chan stood between Changbin and Jisung, one hand on the chest of the oldest of the two while a staring battle seemed to replace the words.

Finally, Changbin breathed a deep sigh as Chan took his hand away.

"I’m sorry." Jisung gently said. "I didn’t want you to be angry. It’s just that… I’m having so much trouble making friends and Felix was kind-"

"It’s okay." Changbin said. "I know. I’m sorry I got upset… It's just the surprise and-"

He interrupted himself by seeing the two dancers standing at the end of the little corridor. The blond had his arms crossed, clearly dissatisfied.

"Felix-"

"Seo Changbin! Listen to me!"

He approached quickly, pointing at him.

"Who do you think you are to judge whether or not I can be friends with Jisung?!"

"Felix, wait-"

"You can’t control me!" The youngest said, pressing his finger against his chest. "You don’t have to judge who I can be friends with or not."

Changbin gave off a grunt of frustration. He opened his mouth, ready to shout at his ex-boyfriend, when Chan coughed to get their attention. They didn't have time to turn to him as the older one pushed them towards Changbin’s room.

"I think you should have this discussion in private…"

"Chan, wait-." His roommate began.

"Absolutely! Come here, you! We have to talk!"

The dancer opened the door, pushing his ex-lover into the room, before slamming it and starting to scream. Chan hurried to push his guest and his second roommate into the living room before turning on the TV, making the sound loud enough to partially cover the discussion in the room.

"Well." He said, uncomfortable. " Do you want a beer?"

"No thanks." The cheerleader laughed as he sat on the couch.

He breathed a laugh, a smile extending over his face as he sat down on the couch next to him. Jisung grabbed a beer for himself, before he collapsed next to Chan.

"Netflix?"

"Netflix." The other two answered with one voice.

•

"Sit down!"

Changbin dropped himself on his bed, watching the blond man walk in circles in front of him. The anger that had begun to rise in him had descended like a soufflé. Crossing his arms on his chest, listening to Felix spew his anger at him.

"-And we’ll talk. Now! We have to lay everything flat. I can’t do it anymore! You really are-"

"Felix-"

"What?" He growled.

They looked at each other for a moment before the eldest looked away.

"I am sorry."

A breath left him, as he watched the blond deflate like a balloon. Felix licked his lip before settling next to Changbin.

"You are sorry for what?"

"For getting mad at Jisung… I was wrong, you’re obviously allowed to be friends. I’m no one to judge that. It’s just that… I was just jealous."

"Jealous? Of Jisung ? Bin… I’m not an asshole who wants to date his ex’s roommates."

"Not in the romantic way… In the sense that you refused to talk to me, but he had the right and I just… cracked."

Felix nodded, understanding what he was getting at.

"I’m sorry too, for both of us… Although it’s not all my fault, I’ve often gone way too far against you. And we really ended up destroying each other."

"I agree… You deserve an apology too. Clearly, we didn’t do it right…"

"Clearly not…"

Changbin breathed a laugh.

"I still love you, you know…"

"I still love you, too." Felix whispers. "But if it’s to keep us fighting…"

"I know. I want to make it work for both of us too. If you’ll give us another chance…"

They looked at each other for a moment, not knowing what to say.

"I think we should give ourselves time to think." Felix replied. "We need to solve our problems first, without feelings in the way."

"Okay. I understand…"

"I think we should keep following Chan’s club. It will be good for us to get help…"

"Hm… I don’t like to spread our relationship too much in front of everyone like that."

"I know… It’s complicated for me too."

Felix slowly approached, laying his head on Changbin’s shoulder.

"No more avoidance?" Asked the older one.

"No more avoidance, I promise." The blond replied.

•

Chan stood in front of the window, watching the torrential rain hit the windows. At the bottom of his building, he could see the last students rushing home to protect themself from the rain, while the branches of the trees were folding under the force of the wind. The young man gently turned to the couch behind him, on which Hyunjin, Felix and his two roommates were sitting, waiting for his opinion.

"I think it's dead, guys. You’re going to have to stay here. I’m not letting you go home in this storm." Chan said.

"What? But I have no change. And I don’t have my notes for tomorrow!" Felix said, pouting.

"Sorry Lix, but I think Chan is right about that." Jisung gently said. "It’s raining too much for you to walk home now."

"Plus, it’s getting dark." Changbin added.

"We’re not kids anymore. We can go home at night." The blond dancer replied.

Chan sighed, passing his hand in his hair. He couldn’t force them to stay just because it made him anxious to know they were alone in this storm. If they really wanted to leave, he couldn’t do anything about it except hope they got home safely. His gaze slipped towards the other dancer as he moved to turn to his friend.

"I think we should listen to them, Lix. Plus, look at the bright side, we’re going to have a good night!" Hyunjin smiled at him with a little shoulder kick.

"Where are we going to sleep?" The blond one complained.

"I’ll leave you my bed." Chan suggested. "You can share it, and I’ll take the couch."

The two dancers were about to refuse, but Changbin got up to join their kitchen space, interrupting them. He quickly opened the fridge, glancing into it, to get out beers.

"I hope you like instant ramen, because I think that’s what’s going to feed us tonight." He said, distributing a bottle to everyone.

"Well… I didn’t think I’d spend my evening eating ramen in front of the TV with my ex." Felix laughed softly.

"I hope you’re not too disappointed then." The other replied, with a teasing glance.

They exchanged a look before looking away, allowing Felix to unpack his beer.

"Keep your hands to yourself, I don’t want to be the third wheel." The youngest roommate complained.

"What about us?" Chan asked, looking for a program to watch on Netflix.

"That’s what I’m saying." Jisung grunted. "I feel like the spare wheel of a 4x4 right now."

Changbin choked on his beer while Hyunjin let out a laugh.

•

Chan listened to the rain pounding against the window, trying to find enough peace to fall asleep. It was quite late at night and the others had all gone to bed, almost an hour ago. The evening was pleasant. They had watched a few movies while eating and even shared a few joints.

Letting out a faint moan, he turned to the side, while he could still feel Hyunjin’s touch on his wrist.

He dropped his head back, exhaling the smoke towards the ceiling. The pleasant hum of soft drugs had taken over him, while he could hear the voices of the actors playing in the background. He huddled a little more against the heat that rested against his side, receiving a slight blow of head under the chin. He looked down for a moment, only being able to observe the top of Hyunjin’s head, while he was seated against his shoulder, seemingly immersed in the film.

Beside the dancer, Changbin and Felix were also focused on the film, sharing a joint in silence. Jisung, sitting at their feet, dozed against the blond dancer’s leg because of all the food he had swallowed and the joint he had smoked.

He came out of his thoughts with another blow in the jaw, making him growl softly.

"Stop wiggling." He whispered.

Hyunjin raised his head, leaving their faces only a few inches apart. In an instant, Chan’s thoughts had drifted away from the headshots he had taken. It was necessary to mobilize all the remains of his will to prevent himself from looking down at the luscious lips of the young man in front of him. First, because he was sure Hyunjin would see it and he didn’t want to put that kind of discomfort between them. Second, because he wasn’t sure that his foggy brain wouldn’t make him do anything stupid.

However, he couldn’t help but let his thoughts drift. What would that do to shotgun Hyunjin? To see his lips so close, half-open, sucking in the smoke he was exhaling.

"So stop moving." The dancer whisper, taking the other boy out of his thoughts.

"I’m not moving." Chan immediately replied.

The youngest defiantly hummed, before looking down. The psychology student’s leg was moving frantically, bouncing to hit Hyunjin’s knee half the time.

Chan grumbled slightly, not even aware of what his body was doing without his consent. He forced himself to stop moving as he looked up at Hyunjin’s face, meeting the piercing eyes that were already staring at him.

"Are you nervous?" He whispered.

Shaking his head negatively, he dragged again on the joint, to give himself time to think of an excuse.

"I’m getting high. I didn’t realize it. Sorry."

"It’s okay." The young man hummed.

Hyunjin’s gaze slipped across the joint between his fingers, before diving back into the other man’s eyes.

"Can I?"

Surprised, Chan began to give him the joint without saying more. If Hyunjin wanted to smoke, he would certainly not stop him. However, he didn't expect the dancer’s fingers to wrap delicately around his wrist, rather than around what he was handing him. He watched him pull his hand towards his face as his lips wrapped around the filter to take a breath. The older one felt himself swallowing, not being able to look away from the scene unfolding before him.

The memory made him move uncomfortably, as he tried not to be excited at the idea of the pretty young man smoking against him. Chan hesitated for a moment. The idea of taking for a cold shower crossed his mind when he heard the sound of a door opening. He froze, quickly brought back to reality, while listening to his environment.

Light steps were heard, moving in the corridor to reach the living space where Chan was lying. Chan made no noise. Unable to distinguish who it was in the dark, he preferred to pretend to be asleep. Maybe he just came for a glass of water or something. However, the steps moved timidly to the end of the sofa.

"Chris? Are you asleep?"

Hyunjin’s whispering immediately brought him up on his elbows.

"No. What is it? Do you need something…?"

"It’s just that… Felix went to sleep with Jisung. I felt bad that you were sleeping on the couch when your bed is big enough for two…"

Chan hummed, quickly rubbing his eyes to try to make his mind clearer. He wasn’t really sure what the cheerleader wanted to suggest, but he didn’t seem to want to continue his sentence.

"So?"

"Well, come sleep with me. It’ll be more comfortable than the couch."

"Hm… I’m not sure that’s a good idea…"

"Why?" The brunette gently laughed. "Are you afraid that I want to jump your bones while you sleep?"

The older one almost let out a laugh. No, he trusted Hyunjin. However, the opposite...

"And why not? After all, I don’t know what you’re capable of."

"As if you couldn’t pin me to the bed to stop me. I’m pretty sure all the muscles you hide under your hoodies aren’t made out of paperboard."

He felt Hyunjin to poke his biceps, as if to prove a point. He tried not to visualize the image that the other man had suggested, as he sat down a little better and grabbed Hyunjin’s hand to prevent him from continuing to attack him.

"I’m cuddly when I sleep. I don’t want to wrap myself around you like an octopus."

"I slept on you, on that poor excuse of a couch. I think I can survive to Chris the octopus. Come on." He almost begged him, trying to put him on his feet. "I feel really bad about throwing you out of your bed."

Capitulating immediately, he let himself be pulled, dragging the blanket with him.

"Are you shirtless?" Hyunjin asked, as he began to touch him in the dark to check his words.

The blond’s cheeks immediately warmed up, as he hurried to grab his hands and make him stop.

"I’m used to just sleeping like this, but I’m going to put on a T-shirt."

"You don’t have to." Hyunjin said.

"Oh yes. Otherwise, you’re going to keep groping me." Chan gently scolded by leading them to his room. "You pervert."

Hyunjin laughed while inspiring, forgetting to lower his voice so as not to disturb others, as he began to attack his poor host.

"I’m not a pervert!"

"That’s what they all say." Chan laughed, putting a top on his chest.

They both let themselves fall into the sheets, pulling the duvet on them. Their knees touched softly as Hyunjin moved closer to the other boy because of the lack of space.

They each breathed a good night to each other, as they tried to find a comfortable position for the rest of the night. The older one quickly felt Hyunjin making his way against him to rest in his neck, while his hand snarled on his chest in a loose embrace. However, he says nothing, simply taking advantage of each other’s warmth.

Chapter Text

Seungmin almost tripped, as he hit someone in a hallway. He apologized hurriedly, not even taking the time to look at the person he had just pushed. He resumed his stride, concentrating on the watch he had on his wrist.

It was almost noon. He had to hurry if he didn’t want to miss the end of the class of the students in mode. He had a mission and no one will be able to stop him from carrying it out, even though he knew that it would surely require a lot more investment than this race in the corridors.

He was out of breath when he stopped in front of what he supposed to be the right room. From what he knew, the freshmen were supposed to come out of their practical class at this time. He took the opportunity to catch his breath, trying to appear relaxed while waiting for the fateful hour.

Long minutes passed before the students finally got out. He waited to see the curly hair he was looking for, but it never came, even when the flow of students leaving the room dried up. Finally taking his courage with both hands, he glanced, discovering a room now empty. Disappointment quickly made its way into him, as he opened the door a little more to enter the room, looking at it sadly.

"Are you looking for something?"

The art student startled, turning to discover the young man he was looking for, standing behind him. Jeongin was standing in the hallway, in front of the door, probably surprised to meet Seungmin at such a place. The floor was only used by students in mode studies as the rooms had all the equipment they needed.

Seungmin wanted to approach him, but he stopped immediately when Jeongin had a backward movement. His jaw clenched. Maybe he had better keep his distance for now. He certainly didn’t want to scare him away.

"Actually… I was looking for you. I thought you had class this morning in this room, but…"

"Do you know my schedule?" The youngest almost growled.

"Well, no. I asked the administration… I just wanted to invite you to lunch…"

Seungmin began to babble as soon as he saw Jeongin’s eyes open. Scared or surprised, he didn’t know much. In doubt, he preferred to try to be as clear as possible about his attentions. His goal was not to frighten him, far from it.

"No- Wait- What I meant was that-"

"I know exactly what you meant. Leave me alone."

The youngest quickly walked through the door, to the back of the room. He quickly placed his bag on the table before settling on the stool. He seemed to have decided to ignore the presence of the older student, but Seungmin could clearly see that this was not the case. He could see Jeongin’s slanted glances at him, while he seemed to check if the other had left the room. He could see how his posture was strained and his shoulders stiff, while he had to anticipate what was to follow.

The art student sighed, he approached a little, nevertheless leaving some tables between them, to also settle on a stool.

"I told you to-"

"Jeongin, I’m not going to do anything to you."

"As if-"

"You don’t want to be alone with me? All right, I can imagine that. I left the door open to leave you a way out if you need to run away. You don’t want me near. I can understand and leave a safe distance, but-

"Why?"

Seungmin stopped, surprised by the question.

"

"Why what?

"Why are you insisting?" He asked softly.

"Because I want to get to know you. Maybe become your friend."

It wasn't really the primary reason, but he still hoped to become friend with the youngest. He knew when someone wasn't doing well and Jeongin was in that case. Not to mention what Seungmin supposed to have happened to him, he could see that the young man kept a lot bottled up inside. He didn’t seem to have any friends in his class, or even in college. He didn’t even seem to talk to a lot of people outside of Chan’s club.

Maybe it was presumptuous of him and he didn’t want to think of the younger one as broken, but he wanted to help him. And if it meant becoming his friend and earning his trust, then he was willing to give of himself to make it happen.

Jeongin stared at him for a moment, clearly uncomfortable. He looked away, words of refusal already on the edge of his lips, but Seungmin interrupted him.

"Jeongin. Whatever you think, it's not the case… I don’t know what you’ve been through in your life, and I’m not going to insist if you don’t want to talk about it, but… I’m not here to hurt you. I’m not going to use you or anything you say against you. I just want us to be friends."

This seemed to relax him a bit, despite the fact that his position was always a bit stiff.

"Did you eat already?" Seungmin gently asked.

"No, but I have a sandwich." He replied, taking the food out of his bag.

"Ok… I’m going to run to the vending machine and buy something. Don’t move from here."

Seungmin got up, taking a last look at Jeongin, before running out of the room, hoping that the younger one would do as he had told him.

•

The sandwich he had prepared in the morning seemed rancid on his tongue, while he chewed with care. He was aware of the other boy’s gaze on him, giving him goosebumps, while they ate in silence.

He didn’t know what he wanted. Why would he want to be his friend? He was useless and dirty. What would someone like him have to do with a dirty person like him? Did he just say that so that Jeongin would start trusting him? What was the point of all this? He had trouble swallowing, when the bread seemed to suffocate him.

"Hey, you didn’t tell me why you didn’t have class this morning."

Seungmin’s voice lifted him from his thoughts, raising his head from the poor piece of food that he was anxiously massaging in his hands.

"Oh- I…"

He hesitated. Was it dangerous to give him this information? Could Seungmin use it against him? Apparently the secretariat was giving the class information without ulterior motives, so it wouldn’t change much. He could always ask to change groups if things were to turn sour.

"Practical class are in a group… I’m in the afternoon group…"

Seungmin stopped, looking at him before banging his forehead lightly.

"Of course… I’m really an idiot, I should have at least expected it to be in group."

Jeongin quickly finished the rest of his sandwich, despite the strong desire to spit it out. His stomach was in bulk, ready to reject any moment what he had swallowed. He watched the other student finish his meal in silence as students of his class began to enter the room.

His skin was itching, making him want to tear it off with his nails. He began scratching his arms carelessly, waiting for Seungmin to agree to go away for a little respite. This didn't seem to go unnoticed in the eyes of the other boy since he glanced at him with a sad look before looking at his watch.

"I’m going to go... It was nice to eat with you."

Jeongin almost rolled his eyes to the lie. How to eat a sandwich in silence could be considered "nice". He refrained from answering, not wanting to accept the fact that, perhaps, not eating alone for once, had made him feel less out of his skin.

"Maybe we can eat together on Monday too? I have my break at 1:00."

Carelessly nodding his head, Jeongin agreed to meet in front of the arts building at 1 p.m. He didn’t want to alienate Seungmin, and if it was all about eating with each other, then why not accept. Hopefully the other boy will agree to eat in a place with people.

The other student left him with a light wave of his hand, just before their teacher walked through the door of the room.

Jeongin sighed deeply, clenching his fist to avoid continuing to scratch his arm.

Maybe he’ll get tired, just like him.

•

Jisung sighed, turning his attention to his phone rather than to the crowd around him. Randomly opening a mobile game app, he placed himself in the queue for his favorite coffee. The young man had originally planned to buy an americano and a slice of cheesecake, to settle down at a table and work on the project he had to return on Monday. He was lagging behind, due to a lot of slackness and small blockages that 'Bin had managed to solve. Now, however, he definitely had to get to work, if he didn't want to get into trouble and accumulate too much delay. He had only this weekend to complete the project, before he was really in trouble.

Nevertheless, he hadn't anticipated that coffee would be crowded at this hour. There were few tables available, not to mention the dozen people in front of him in the queue. Not seeing himself keep his concentration for long without his favorite drink, he waited for the people before him to be served, preferring to pretend to play on his phone so as not to meet anyone.

Jisung didn't want to make eye contact with anyone who could recognize him and speak to him, great friend or acquaintance. He knew if he was distracted, he’d never get out. His procrastinating mind would take advantage of the opportunity far too quickly to flee from the job waiting.

He was going to move to the next level on his game when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Eh, wouldn’t that be our favorite Jisung?"

The cooing tone was almost disgusting, coming from this voice far too familiar for him. Holding a shiver, he turned to the boy who had just called him, throwing his hand with a shoulder stroke.

In front of him was his current worst nightmare. Jooyoung looked at him with a smirk, accompanied by three guys from his gang of close friends. Jisung didn't know them very well, but seeing their mocking looks, he could certainly guess their opinions about him.

"Well, say something. You lost your voice?" Jooyoung laughed.

Jisung took a step back, only to hit the person who was waiting in line in front of him. He barely had time to apologize, dying of embarrassment, that Jooyoung began to tease him again.

"Yeah, it’s true that you were never very talkative. I mean, except in the bed." He laughed.

His ex again wanted to put his hand on him when an arm stopped him. Jisung looked up, surprised that someone intervened. He regretted immediately, when he realized that the person who had intervened was Minho. What was he doing here? He had no need to mind his business. Jisung already had enough to do with Jooyoung.

"What are you doing?" The newcomer asked.

"Ah! Minho, we were waiting for you. We thought you were lost."

Jisung froze realizing that the two knew each other. Anguish took hold of him as he prayed to all the gods he knew, that Minho would not join them. He didn’t need to associate him with his ex, not while they were in the same club.

"I asked you a question. What are you doing?"

"What am I doing?" Jooyoung laughed, making Minho letting go of his arm. "Nothing, I was just catching up with Jisung. See, we haven’t seen each other since we break up. He happened to be here, so I was checking him."

Minho glanced at Jisung before turning his attention again to the other man.

"Get out of here, Jooyoung."

"Excuse me, Min'?"

"You heard me. Get the hell out of there. Get out of that coffee shop before I pick up the dirt on the floor with your ugly face."

Jisung receded slowly as he watched the interaction. Jooyoung was getting angry. The swelling vein on his forehead was a pretty good indication of his state of mind. The younger one didn’t really understand Minho’s reaction. He was friends with Jooyoung, wasn’t he? Then why tell him that?

His train of thought was interrupted by a polite voice behind him.

"Hi sir, what can we get you?"

He turned around, surprised that his turn had come so quickly while he was distracted by his ex. He quickly approached the counter.

"An ice americano and a slice of cheesecake, please." He asked in a low voice.

"Of course."

He quickly paid his purchases, before quickly fleeing to a free table. He barely glanced behind him, noticing that Jooyoung and his friends were always taking the lead with Minho.

He sat his ass at a remote table, before taking out his belongings for work. The brunette was about to begin his duty when someone settled in front of him. Surprised, he quickly raised his head to meet Minho’s gaze, installed with his bag and coffee. Jisung looked at him for a moment, waiting for the other man to explain to him why he had chosen this table, of all the places available in the coffee shop, to settle down.

After what seemed like long minutes, Minho lifted his head from his bag, taking out a tablet and a notepad. Meeting Jisung’s gaze, he simply raised an eyebrow, silently asking him why he was staring at him as he was doing.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"What am I doing?" Minho repeated.

"There are tons of tables here. Why are you sticking with me? If it’s to get something in exchange for your intervention with the other. Thank you, but I didn’t ask you for anything. I could have managed on my own…"

The older boy frowned as Jisung’s mind was spinning at full speed, taking paths he would have preferred to avoid.

"Look, don't turn this into a bigger deal than it needs to be." Minho said. "I intervened because Jooyoung is an asshole. I didn’t think you were the ex he kept talking about."

Oh God. What Minho had heard about him from his ex’s mouth. He knew that Jooyoung had to sweeten the whole truth for everything to go his way. Suddenly, Jisung felt terribly bad about facing Minho, who must have been thinking about how much less-than-nothing he was. He felt like vomiting…

"Hey. Earth to Jisung, do you copy?"

"Hm…"

"Jooyoung is a moron. Ignore him. He will grow weary. I set up with you to dissuade him from coming back, he’s still outside the coffee shop."

The youngest dared to look out the window, seeing the small group of boys still waiting in front. Jooyoung seemed to be furious. Well, maybe Minho wasn’t such a jerk after all.

"Thank you." Jisung gently said. "But why are you doing this? I mean, Jooyoung is your friend, right?"

"More like a friend of a friend… We hang out a little bit, but I don’t necessarily like him more than that."

"Oh… I see."

Jisung patted his fingers anxiously on the table facing silence, before turning his gaze again on his computer.

"And for your information, I don’t care what people say... I believe what I see." Minho added.

The youngest nodded before gradually returning to work, feeling that he was safe for the time being. Jisung put on his headphone, concentrating on the production for his class. Minho also got to work.

They stayed like that for a long time. The silence was only interrupted by the sounds of coffee shop and the chatter around. Jisung was almost half of his production, when a movement caught his attention. A hand passed through his field of vision, trying to attract his attention.

Jisung took off his headphone, looking up at Minho, who was already standing by the table. He held their two empty cups, as well as the plate that contained the cheesecake that the youngest had eaten.

"I’ll get more coffee. Do you want something?"

"Oh- uh. Yes, an ice americano, please."

The youngest hastened to search his pockets for change for coffee, but he was interrupted by Minho.

"Leave it. I’ll pay it.

"Oh, thank you."

The other young man offered him a slight smile before returning to the counter. Jisung watched him for a moment, before concentrating again on his work. He didn’t expect the older student to be so nice to him. He seemed so stoic at the club. Minho always watched and listened to everything that happened in silence. When he opened his mouth, it was either to answer Chan’s questions or to escape hurtful sentences. Jisung had to admit that he was still a little hurt by what he had said during the first session.

Part of him, which he was trying to push into the depths of himself, always thought he had a problem. He had to have one, didn’t he? Everybody liked to go out and see people.

His eyes were glued to the screen, his mind descending into places he preferred to avoid. It was the sound of cups on the table that brought him to his senses, as he looked up, to find a plate of cheesecake in front of him.

He frowned. He had not asked for cheesecake… Jisung turned to Minho, ready to ask him why he had bought another piece of cake, but the other boy was ahead of him.

"I thought it would cheer you up."

"Cheer me up? I’m fine."

Minho took his place in front of him, looking into his eyes. He looked so sincere, looking at Jisung as if he were an open book for him, that the younger one didn’t know what to say. Did he look that bad? Was he really that bad?

Not being able to bear that look any longer, he looked away, stammering a thank you for the coffee and cake. Minho looked at him again for a moment before looking away, too, returning to his work.

Jisung hastened to finish his production. He no longer wanted to stay. He could no longer stay. He tried, as discreetly as possible, to swallow up the coffee and cake, so that they would not be lost, before packing.

Minho continued to work in front of him, only looking up once the boy got up from his seat.

"Thank you for the coffee and cake… And also for earlier." He stuttered. "I have to go now."

The older one nodded, but Jisung could see that he understood. He knew that Jisung was running away. He could see it in his eyes.

And that’s why Jisung actually ran away from the coffee shop, back to his safe little apartment. Where no one can get to him.

•

Chan leaned back to his chair, rubbing his eyes. He turned on his phone, squinting at the hour. It was almost midnight, and he felt he wasn't moving forward. His gaze drifted on the messages that Hyunjin had sent him, but he ignored them for the moment. If he opened them, he was ruined. He couldn’t do anything all night.

He sighed before retrieving his little notebook where he wrote his notes on the boys. The fourth meeting was in two days and he felt that they weren't making much progress on certain cases. He was going to have to go to one-on-one sessions for some of them, to make sure they were open to him.... Otherwise, it was useless.

The problem of Changbin and Felix was partly solved. They obviously understood that their problem was communication. They both told him that they wanted to keep coming to meetings, to work on it, before trying to get back together. Chan was pleased to hear that and hoped that their relationship would work.

For Jisung, he had noted that his friend was finally beginning to open up. Maybe being always with the same people had helped reassure him that he could talk, but Chan would never deny that his new friendship with Felix had greatly reassured him. This allowed him to have more people in the room he could trust. It was the same for Hyunjin’s presence, even if they didn’t talk much. The fact that the cheerleader often hangs out at their apartment had helped him out of the unknown category. Chan hoped that Jisung would continue on this path and open up more and more to people. It will also allow him to calm his social anxiety, which could only be beneficial.

Regarding Hyunjin, Chan had already told him what to do to solve his problems. Stopping seeing and hanging out with Woojae will go a long way towards recovering from his relationship. Well, if Chan could call it that. He didn’t want to take sides, because this was just not done. He had to be impartial in terms of the club. This allowed him to keep a cool head and give the best advice possible.

However, he couldn't help but think that Woojae was a complete jerk. The urge to confront him and get justice for Hyunjin kept tickling the bottom of his mind. But he held back. After all, he was not legitimate to do anything. Hyunjin and he were just friends. In addition, the brunette could easily defend himself if he felt the need…

Chan sighed, looking at the rest of the pages. The three most problematic ones in his opinion. The ones he knew almost nothing about. He was really going to have to ask them to have coffee with him to learn more, because it didn’t lead to anything.

Minho had clearly told him that his problem was jealousy. However, he had absolutely not explained why he was jealous. He didn't explain his behaviour. According to him, his former boyfriend hadn't really behaved in a way that would have led to that… So maybe it was something outside? Maybe he had had old relationships, romantic or not, where the person had abused his trust? It was a lead to search. Maybe he lacked confidence and needed to be reassured by his spouse, so he could have confidence when the other went out? The young man didn't seem to lack confidence in him, but Chan preferred not to omit any leads.

For Seungmin, Chan wasn't sure what to think. He glanced at the book of poems he had taken from him at the last club session. The psychology student took the liberty of flipping through a few of them to see what they were talking about. And even if poetry wasn't his strong suit, he could clearly see that all the poems were turned in the same direction: to flatter the girl.

All the poems he had read revolved around her.

For someone who didn’t seem attached, it seemed very strange.

Chan didn’t know why they broke up, but he was convinced that Seungmin had been really hurt by what had happened. It had pushed him into such a deep denial that Chan wasn't even sure that Seungmin realized it. He must have buried his feelings and wounds so deep inside that he had forgotten them. He was his priority in terms of personalized appointments.

And finally… Jeongin. The more Chan thought about what Seungmin had told him, the less he knew how to act. He hadn't been properly trained to speak to victims of violence, even less those with PTSD symptoms… He had thought of turning to his teachers, to ask for information, but he was afraid that they would suspect something and start snooping around the club. The last thing he wanted was to put Jeongin in the spotlight.

He couldn’t talk about it during the club and he certainly won’t be able to get anything out of Jeongin outside the club. The young man seemed to close like an oyster to human contact and to the slightest hint of his past. He saw it when Seungmin intervened…

Chan could only hope that Seungmin would help him unlock a bit… He will also try to slip him brochures when others don't look. If Jeongin didn’t want to talk, maybe the silent help was welcome.

He took note of his last ideas and suggestions before his eyes fell on the page dedicated to him. It was filled with words he didn’t even dare read, for fear of not sleeping at night. He hastily closed the notebook, before being too tempted to add more.

Grabbing his phone, he went to lie down on his bed, pushing the pile of clothes lying on it. It fell to the ground while Chan let out a sigh. It was no big deal, he will take care of it tomorrow… Or another day… Just not right now.

He was mentally exhausted. He only wanted one thing, and that was to sleep, but his body was absolutely against that idea, apparently, like every other night. He never hated his insomnia so much as when dark thoughts crossed his mind.

The vibration of his phone took him out of his train of thought, reminding him that he had still not read Hyunjin’s messages. He hesitated for a moment. Perhaps he shouldn't answer at the moment. He felt bad and he didn’t want that to be felt in his messages. Hyunjin didn’t deserve to be overwhelm with his bad mood. After all, the poor boy already had enough on his plate. Chan could manage on his own…

A second vibration made him bite his lip. Just a message. A single message. It wouldn’t hurt, would it? Then he’ll try to sleep.

He unlocked it, ignoring social media notifications flooding his phone, to open the messages.

Hyunnie ✨

10:32 PM | I just finished my film. Busy? (·· ) ?

10:45 PM | I guess so… (。•́︿•̀。)

10:52 PM | Send me a message before going to sleep. (ಡ‸ಡ)

10:53 PM | Well… if you’re not already asleep. But I’d be very surprised. (◕‿◕✿)

Chris

12:18 AM | Hey

12:18 AM | Are you asleep?

12:19 AM | __φ(．．;)

Hyunnie ✨

12:19 AM | No! I’m watching another movie.

12:19 AM | You use more emojis now! It’s cute! (´꒳`)♡

Chris

12:20 AM | We wonder because of who...

Hyunnie ✨

12:20 AM | (╮°-°)╮┳━━┳ ( ╯°□°)╯ ┻━━┻

12:21 AM | What were you doing?

Chris

12:21 AM | Work on stuff for the club.

Hyunnie ✨

12:21 AM | Oh.

12:22 AM | Want to talk? To change your mind? ❤ (ɔˆз(ˆ⌣ˆc)

Chan smiled softly at the emoji. He didn’t know how Hyunjin always said the right thing at the right time. He had to have a lot of empathy, to be able to capture Chan’s state even through distance… Or just he was used to Chan going bad every other night.

Chris

12:23 AM | (´·ᴗ· ` )

12:23 AM | What are you watching?

Chan read every explanation from Hyunjin. The boy was chaotic in his description, constantly going back to add details, and the older one wasn't really sure if he understood the movie’s scenario. However, Hyunjin seemed so invested and happy to tell him, that he could not help smiling at the messages.

The young man was definitely the best encounter he had had this year.

Faced with the presence of Hyunjin, the things written on his notebook and his dark ideas were quickly relegated to the very bottom of his mind, in a small box hidden in the bottom of a dark closet. And he will be eternally grateful for his presence at his side in those moments.

He may not have dared to think about it, but there was a small voice in his heart. The one who usually whispers horrible things to him. Today, it only reminded him that it had been days since he had thought of Mia, when he was alone in the dark, lying on his bed, talking to Hyunjin.

Chapter Text

His leg was twitching nervously. He pressed the palm of his hand on his thigh, in a weak attempt to calm down, but without success. His fingers tightened. His nails scratched the surface of the jeans, before closing on the rough material.

Jeongin barely looked up, glancing at the people who were passing by the bench on which he was sitting. No one looked after him. No one paid attention to him. Yet he couldn't help but feel spied on, judged, mocked. He clenched his teeth, again hiding his gaze behind his bangs.

His hand scratched a little more the fabric that covered his leg.

The young man glanced frantically at his backpack, which was placed at his feet. This one was closed, so he couldn’t see the packed meal lying in it. However, he could feel the metaphorical weight of it, making his leg twitch a little more and making his heart beat faster.

Jeongin took a look at his watch. 12:58 PM. There were two minutes left. Two minutes to decide whether he should flee or not. This one was digital, but he could still hear the heady ticking in his mind, raising the pressure.

Hypothetically, what was keeping him from leaving? 

He sighed. He can’t run away from Seungmin forever.

A trembling breath escaped from his lips. He had actually thought of running away.

Running away from school. But he needed his degree.

Running away from college. But to go where? There were only two in town with this choice of courses, and the other was definitely too close to a risky field.

Fleeing the city. It had crossed his mind. But with what money? His parents were just willing to pay for his apartment across town. That was all he could get from them.

He began to nervously gnaw his lip. Maybe he could leave himself another day? Flee today, go home and think about the situation. He will apologize the next time he meets the young man.

His hand let go of the rough fabric to reach towards the hanse of his bag.

"Hi."

Jeongin startled at the unexpected greeting. He raised his head, finding Seungmin waiting for him a few meters from the bench. The art student gave him a brief wave, displaying a sheepish smile. Licking his lips nervously, the youngest quickly analyzed the situation, relieved that Seungmin kept a distance between them. Especially to surprise him like that.

Finally, he raised his hand to return the greeting. He wasn't sure if he could answer vocally without making a fool of himself. His mouth was dry. Where the hell was the saliva when you needed it most?

"I hope you haven’t waited too long for me." Seungmin said.

Jeongin nodded negatively. Just for an hour. Sitting on this bench, thinking about whether or not he should attend this lunch. However, he didn't want to admit it for fear of launching a debate in which he didn't want to participate. 

His saliva was still missing, but fortunately for him, Seungmin was in charge of the conversation. He didn’t seem to mind being the only one talking.

"I would have asked you to stay and eat on that bench, but I don’t think we'll be very comfortable."

Implied, they would be too close for Jeongin’s comfort. He could read between the lines. He had learned it the hard way. He nodded again, trying not to be grateful that the young man took this kind of thing into account.

"If it’s all right with you, can we try to settle down in the grass?" The photographer suggested. "It’s still pretty warm for early fall, so we might as well enjoy the last rays of the sun. There’s a lot of space on the other side of the building, and it’s right next to an alley. There’s a lot of passageway."

"All right." The youngest said.

He got up and grabbed his bag, waiting for Seungmin to show him the way. He offered him a smile before starting to walk around the building. Jeongin slipped the bag on his shoulder before following in his footsteps. The metaphorical weight of food seemed terribly heavy to him, only reinforcing his idea of fleeing. However, he resisted.

Seungmin led them to a large expanse of grass, where other people were already settled. He let himself fall into the grass, making sure to stay away from the other groups. Jeongin stood, watching.

The other raised his head, seeing that he wasn't sitting.

"Too close to people?" Seungmin asked. "We can move if you want."

"No, it’s okay."

To tell the truth, he was mostly stuck in front of Seungmin’s attention. It was a little bit beyond him. Why was he paying attention to every detail? They were not friends…

Jeongin sat gently in the grass, keeping a safe distance with his comrade. Seungmin didn't seem to mind, as he was taking out his lunch. The youngest did the same.

Why did he insist on talking to him? Why did he want to eat with him? Why was he trying? Why did he pay attention to everything Jeongin said? Why could he understand his reactions? Why could he read it as an open book? Why is he-

"Did you have a good morning?"

Jeongin raised the head of his meal, which he was mistreating with his chopsticks.

Why did he want to get to know him…

"It’s okay… It was theoretical…

"Ah, I see. We’re not going to lie to ourselves that theory classes are never very fun, but it’s essential."

The youngest hummed. Did he have to ask him back? That was the right thing to do, right? To be honest, he wasn't really interested in the answer. However, he would do everything to avoid offending Seungmin.

God, it had been so long since he had had to make friends… Well, he didn’t really see Seungmin as a potential friend…

Fortunately, the art student didn't mind the silence, filling in the blanks instead of Jeongin.

'For me, it was a pretty good morning. We had some practical work, so we went out into town to take pictures.

"Oh… Pictures of the city? Isn’t it… boring?" Jeongin asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, there aren’t a lot of pretty things to take a picture of in the city, are there?"

Seungmin chewed thoughtfully, before turning to him.

"The important thing is not necessarily to take nice things in a photo, but rather to capture things that make sense…"

Jeongin had never been interested in photography. For him, it had always been only a matter of the beauty of the model and the light. Maybe a matter of framing as well.

"I could show you the pictures, if you’re interested."

"Why not." The youngest cautiously replied.

Seungmin offered him a smile.

'It won’t be right away. I have to develop them first. I did it with an analog camera. Maybe next week?"

Jeongin easily agreed. Perhaps by then Seungmin would have forgotten.

Maybe he’ll get tired.

It was always the same problem anyway.

•

Chan walked quickly in the corridors, papers in hand. He dodged people walking the other way, escaping a grunt from people who brushed too close. His patience for the day had been exhausted and unfortunately for him, he still had the club to run.

He took a look at the psychological essay he was holding in a tight grip. The red grade burned his eyes. He had to admit that he had done a little bit of it at the last moment, because of everything that was going on in his head right now. However, he had put his heart into it, and he still took a bad grade. His teacher didn't fail to keep him after class to tell him how disappointed he was with his poor performance this time.

But he deserved it. Anyway, Chan was disappointed in himself as well. A little more or a little less, it wouldn’t make much difference.

He took a breath, trying to clear his mind. He had to try to gather mental strength for the club. It wasn’t about cracking. Not now and not in front of them. He wasn’t allowed to show them that. He wasn’t legitimate. They had lived so much worse than him…

However, at the corner of a corridor, the breath escaped from his lips and the irritation resumed. Chan looked at the human tide of students clogging the hallway. He stood on tiptoe to try to see what was going on. Damn his small size. 

Chan didn't see much, so he began to sink into the crowd. He quickly apologized to all the people he pushed. What an idea to have a gathering in a hallway.

It was at this point that he saw the cause of this grouping. His psychological essay became a little more wrinkled in his fist.

Lee Woojae, captain of the rugby team, was parading out of a room. The young athlete proudly displayed his team jacket, chatting with the students and swelling the muscles at the slightest girl who paid attention to him.

Chan stopped for a moment, staring at him. He had never understood the students' interest in this particular sport. After all, there were many sports teams in the university, but none attracted attention like rugby. Maybe it had something to do with all this boasting, inspired by American universities? They were the only team to walk around with their team jacket in the university.

He let out a sarcastic breath. He was sure that if he walked around with his swimming team jacket, he would just be found ridiculous. While the rugby players were acclaimed. It was nonsense.

Clenching his teeth, he looked away. It wasn't the time to take care of this asshole. He went through the crowd again, trying to ignore him.

How could Hyunjin date with him? It was beyond him.

The psychology student took some time to cross the crowd, pushing the students along. He could feel the twist in his stomach and the pressure in his chest increase as people watched him pass by. He hated to get attention that way.

Once the human tide crossed, he rushed to turn into another corridor, wanting to escape from sight. A trembling exhalation escaped him as he climbed the last stairs that separated him from the meeting room. Chan walked towards the room, before stopping halfway and sliding against the wall. He needed a break. Just five minutes of silence and tranquility to breathe, before facing the session.

He slipped to the ground, bringing his knees to his chest. He closed his eyes.

Chan didn't know how long he had remained in this position, enjoying the outer silence. Trying to reach a silence inside. It had never been easy to turn off his brain, but it seemed even worse right now.

The silence in the hallway helped him calm down.

But he also made the voice in his head so much more powerful.

The silence was broken by the opening of a door. Chan opened his eyes, glancing to his right to fall on the curious look of Hyunjin, leaning out of the room. The young brown man looked at him briefly before disappearing again inside. Chan’s ears were whistling slightly, as he heard a few words exchanged in the room.

Hyunjin went out again, closing the door behind him. He settled next to Chan, simply handing him an open water bottle. The psychology student took it silently and carried it to his lips. It wasn’t until the water slipped on his dry lips that he realized he was thirsty.

His friend doesn’t say a word, just sitting by his side, staring at the wall. Chan drank the whole bottle, before handing it again to Hyunjin, whispering a timid thank you. The young man smiled at him, recovering his property, before silence regains the upper hand.

Chan fixed the wall again. He couldn't help but be aware of Hyunjin’s presence at his side. They didn't touch each other, yet he could feel the warmth of the other’s body. He could smell his perfume, or maybe it was his deodorant? The sweet smell of lavender, to which he was too quickly accustomed. Flagrance was heady, but so pleasant, like the person who wore it.

Finally, it was Hyunjin who began to speak. Only a whisper, as if he was afraid to break the silence that filled the corridor. As if he wanted to keep this conversation just for them, safe from prying ears, despite the lack of presence around them.

"Hard day?" He asked.

"Yes…"

The cheerleader hummed.

"You know… The others will understand if you want to cancel the meeting for this week. We all have bad days."

"No. It’s going to be okay. I just needed a little calm…. And I don’t want to leave you…"

"Just because you cancel a week, doesn’t mean you abandon us. Is it not abandoning yourself by being stubborn in spite of your own ill-being?"

Chan looked at him, discovering that Hyunjin was already staring at him. He felt that his dark eyes pierced holes through his skin, reading directly what he wanted in his mind.

"Perhaps." He breathed.

Hyunjin smiled softly at him.

"The others are waiting inside. Do you want me to tell them we’re canceling this time?

"No. I really don’t want to cancel."

Sighing gently, the brunette rose.

"Okay. So don’t make us wait for too long."

He found himself alone again. However, he found his heart a little lighter. It was crazy how someone so new in his life could make him feel so… alive. It hadn’t happened since Mia. The Mia from three years ago.

Chan shook his head before rising. He wasn't the time to think about Mia. This was not the time.

He took time to breathe, before finally pushing the door. The discussion slowed down in the room as everyone was waving at him. He forced a smile, greeting them back, while he pulled the chair to settle down. Chan could feel Hyunjin’s gaze following him.

He took his place, taking out his notebook.

"How’s everybody doing?"

There was a slight hesitation before everyone talked a little about their last week. Chan smiled a little more sincerely, noting the evolution from the first sessions. Everyone seemed much more comfortable with the other participants. He was pleased with that.

He opened his notebook.

"What about you, Chan?" Minho asked.

"My week was pretty good, but it was a bit rough today, so I’m sorry if I’m a little… dry in my answers."

The group discussed a little more before the psychology student finally started the session.

"First of all, I’m going to pass this paper around." Chan said, pointing to a piece of paper and a pen. "I need you to give me your phone number, so I can reach you soon. The competition season is about to start and I may have to cancel or move the club schedule if it comes to practice."

Chan pushed the paper towards Jeongin, who began to fill.

"I have studied a little more all my notes about you, and I have come to the conclusion that personal sessions will have to be set up…"

"What do you mean?" Seungmin asked.

"Well… You’re all very different, as are your old relationships. Which is normal, of course. This requires special listening and advice on a case-by-case basis. Although I am for group therapy, I think it is also necessary to come to individual appointments."

The student opened his notebook.

"Changbin and Felix, for example. I think it would be beneficial to meet privately, to talk about communication. Find solutions that can work for both of you, when you need them."

Changbin took a look before nodding.

"I think it’s best way to do it." Felix gently said.

"I’m sure it'll help." Chan said. "I also want to set up personal sessions for Seungmin, Minho and Jeongin. I don’t know enough about you and-"

"Why do that?" Minho said. "You already know why I am here."

"Sure, but I need to ask you personal questions to help you. If you want to answer them in front of an audience, that’s up to you."

The two older ones looked at each other for a moment, before Chan finally looked away.

"Seungmin, it’s the same for you."

The boy looked at him, before acquiescing, realizing that he had no real choice.

"And Jeongin-"

"I don’t want to." The young man said.

Chan turned to him, expecting this answer.

"Well… You know, we don’t have to have this meeting in a school room. We can go to a coffee shop. Or any other place where you’re comfortable so we can talk."

"No. I don’t want to."

Silence invaded the room. Chan licked his lips before taking large breaths to try to be as diplomatic as possible.

"Is it being alone with me that bothers you? Or is it talking to me?"

"I don’t want to talk. I have nothing to say." Jeongin replied, beginning to scratch his arms.

"Jeongin. I understand that it can be complicated, but I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me."

"I don’t want to!"

The sound of the chair scraping the ground surprised everyone as Jeongin hurriedly got up. He grabbed his bag, before fleeing from the room. The surprise left them all speechless before Chan got up to go after the youngest.

However, he was stoped by Seungmin, who also rose.

"Leave it. I’m going after him."

The oldest looked at him, before Seungmin came around the table to reach the exit.

"Are you sure?"

"I’ll try to talk to him. I think he’ll listen to me more than you." Seungmin said.

" Well… Good luck."

They watched Seungmin rush out of the room, hoping to catch the young man. Chan sighed, standing next to his chair for a while, before finally sitting down again.

"It’s been a long day…" He sighed.

"We should cancel for today." Changbin suggested. "I think it’s been a long day for everyone."

"Okay… you can go. I’ll let you know about the training."

Everyone got up, collecting their belongings, while Chan watched them gradually leave. He watched Jisung flee the room hurriedly as Changbin approached him.

"Are you coming with us?"

"Yeah, no, I…"

He sighed again, searching for his words.

"I think I’m going for a swim. I need to clear my mind."

"Okay. See you at home then."

Chan nodded and closed his eyes for a moment before rubbing his temple. When he opened them again, he expected to face an empty room. His eyes found the place of worried eyes, staring at him from the back of the room.

"Hyunjin? Aren’t you going home?"

"I thought I would keep you company… Unless you want to be alone."

The older one opened his mouth before closing it, searching for his words. Finally, he offered a shy smile.

"Well… Your company is always welcome. Do you want to go swimming with me?"

Hyunjin looked at him, surprised.

"Do you really want to go to the pool? It’s almost 6 pm."

"Yes. It always helps me clear my mind."

"I don’t have a swimsuit…"

"Don’t worry. There won’t be anyone. You can go in your boxer. Or just sit by the pool, if you don’t want to swim."

The youngest briefly laughed at the situation.

"I’d love to come soak, Mister Bang."

"Great. Let’s go."

The two young men picked up their belongings before leaving the hall and heading to the sports complex on the other side of the campus. It was silly to say, but Chan was happy that Hyunjin stayed and offered to accompany him. Foolishly happy. He needed so little.

Chan took out his pass to badge it and they walked through the pool doors.

"Are you sure we’re allowed to be here this late?"

"Yes, don’t worry. The pool is open until 8:00 pm for members of the swimming team."

"Which doesn’t include me." Hyunjin said.

"You’re with me. I promise you won’t have any problems."

Hyunjin hummed while Chan guided them to the locker room.

"Do you bring your pool stuff every day?"

"No, but I always have a spare swimsuit and extra towels in my locker. Just in case."

Chan walked to his locker, unlocking it, before taking out his things. He took off his shirt, before feeling Hyunjin’s burning look on his skin, making him a bit shy.

"Hm… You can go around the row of lockers and change on the other side if you want." He said. "Or in the bathroom if you prefer."

"Why? You don’t want me to watch you change?" Hyunjin replied with a naughty smile.

He could feel his ears burning at the remark. Hyunjin wanted to tease him? All right, he could also play along.

"Well… I just didn’t think the first time you saw me naked would be in that context." He replied with a smile.

Hyunjin laughed wholeheartedly, as the red rose to his cheeks. He walked around the lockers, also to change.

"And what context were you thinking about?" He asked.

"A context that doesn't involve pool's locker room." Chan easily replied.

The youngest hummed, while Chan could hear him undressing.

"Maybe when you finally invite me on a date?"

"After a single date? I would have thought you would be more playful."

"Don’t worry. I’m hard to get."

Chan laughed.

"Can’t wait to see it then. I’ll be waiting for you at the pool."

He didn't wait for answers as he left the locker room. His hands slipped on his face, feeling his burning cheeks. He hadn’t flirted with anyone for years. He almost forgot how… exhilarating it can be. He was just hoping that his face would return to a normal shade soon, otherwise it would be embarrassing. He knew it was just for fun, but he couldn’t help but be affected. He didn’t want to show Hyunjin that his flirt was affecting him.

He approached the water, quickly putting his hand on the surface, before wetting his neck. The water was good, as usual. He didn't wait any longer, before diving head first. The freshness of the water almost struck the air out of his lungs. The sense of well-being he felt when he was in the water came to the surface, calming his heart and his nagging thoughts.

Chan pierced the surface of the water, taking a breath, before starting to swim to the other side of the pool.

His mind never felt so light on dry land. Here, it is as if all his thoughts slipped into the waves he produced, clapping his hands and feet.

He plunged back into the water as he approached the wall, tumbling for the turn. Chan pushed on his legs, going back the other way. He slowed down his swim, however, watching Hyunjin enter the pool. He joined him in a few fathoms.

"Who’d have thought the school’s most popular boy would wear a boxer with little ferret drawings on it."

Hyunjin immediately blushed. He stood at the edge of the pool, to water Chan with his free hand.

"I wasn’t supposed to undress today!"

Chan just laughed in response, quickly moving away so that the youngest could no longer reach him.

"It’s okay. I found it’s cute."

"If you tell anyone-"

"You have so little confidence in me?" Chan sincerely asked."

Hyunjin opened his mouth, seeming surprised by the question. They looked at each other for a moment, before the realization appeared in his eyes.

"No, I- I didn’t mean it like that. Of course I trust you!"

The swimmer just hummed.

"I won’t tell anyone how cute little ferrets are. I promise."

Hyunjin looked at him for a moment, seeming to look him in the eye.

"Are we racing?" He offered.

"You know you have very little chance of winning. Isn’t that right?" Chan laughed, swimming towards him.

"That’s what you think, Mister Bang. I’ve also done swimming, although it’s not at the same level as you… I’d be at least a worthy opponent."

"We’ll see about that."

•

He walked slowly into the hallway of the small apartment. His eyes were fixed on the front door, wide open. Usually, it was always locked.

He slowly walked out into the hallway of the building. His bare feet encountered the cold tile as he watched his surroundings in a second state. Finally, his eyes rested on the glass door that opened onto the street.

The sound of rain was deafening.

But nothing could overcome the furious beating of his heart and the rustling of blood in his ears.

•

"Jeongin! Wait!"

Seungmin slowed down when he sees the men’s room door slamming in front of him. He stopped, catching his breath after having chased the young man so far. He didn't know what he had taken from him to want to pursue him. After all, he had no ability to help him. He was not the psychologist in their group…

But maybe what pushed him to move forward was that voice inside him. That voice telling him that Jeongin needed a friend now, not a psychologist.

He pushed the door gently, taking a look. No one was in the common space, but he could hear Jeongin’s erratic breathing coming from the back toilet. Seungmin entered gently, before approaching the door that separated him from the youngest.

"Jeongin?"

Only a sob answered him, as the boy’s breath was whistling through the door. Seungmin put his hand against the door.

"Jeongin. I think you’re having a panic attack. You're gonna be fine, okay? But you have to breathe."

Another sob escaped from the cabin as Seungmin tried to push the door in vain. It was locked.

"I don’t make you go out. You can stay there if you want, but you have to calm down. Try to take deep breaths. Inhale."

Seungmin took a broad breath, trying to focus on what was going on behind the door. He exhaled excessively, so that Jeongin could hear his rhythm.

"And we exhale… We do it again, okay?"

The art student repeated the cycle several times. Inspiring and exhaling loudly, trying to get Jeongin to replicate his breath. After what seemed to him long minutes, the frenetic rhythm of the youngest seemed to calm down.

"That’s good… I’m going to step away from the door, so you can get out. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I’d like to see how you’re doing, okay?"

Jeongin hummed before Seungmin heard him get toilet paper to blow his nose.

"Take your time." He added before walking away.

He retreated to the sinks, leaning against the ledge. His gaze remained fixed on the door for several minutes. He knew that staying stuck on that door would not encourage him to get out, however, he couldn't look away. He wanted to make sure the younger one was okay.

The latch clicked, causing it to come out of his thoughts. The toilet door opened slowly. Seungmin released his breath when he finally saw his new friend. He seemed well, at least physically. The only things that could have witnessed the crisis that had just unfolded were his red eyes.

Seungmin walked away towards the door, towards the outside, allowing Jeongin to reach the sinks if he felt like it. The younger one watched him move, before moving gently towards the water point. He passed water on his face. However, the older one could see how his eyes were sliding towards the mirror, frantically making sure that Seungmin was still in the same place.

He looked like a scared animal.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay." Jeongin croacked.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I have nothing to say."

Seungmin sighed slowly, crossing his arms.

"You just had a panic attack, just at the idea to talk to Chan."

"I don’t want to talk. I have nothing to say to him."

"So why did you join the club?"

Jeongin turned to him, breaking the contact through the mirror. Their eyes met without barrier. However, the youngest remained silent.

"Why did you join the club if you refuse to talk to get help?" Seungmin asked again.

"I don’t know what you mean-"

"Jeongin." Seungmin said. "I’m not blind. I’m not asking you to tell me if you don’t want to. But why did you join the club?"

Jeongin’s lower lip trembled slightly as he looked away. He began to rub his arm, before the nails met the pulpit. He began to scratch nervously.

"Do you want my opinion?"

"You’re going to give it to me, even if I don’t want it."

"I don’t think you’re really looking for help, because you know what can help you, and you seem to refuse to go to it. You’re looking for people like you."

Jeongin swallowed.

"You are looking for people who can understand you and make you feel less out of your skin."

"You haven’t experienced what I’ve experienced, you can’t understand-"

"That’s right." Seungmin cut him off again. "I don’t know what you went through, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t go through anything similar. However, just because I haven’t experienced it doesn’t mean I can’t understand you. It’s called empathy…"

The younger one bowed his head.

"And I am ready to listen to you, to understand you and to help you." The older one said. "Even if I haven't experienced it."

Silence settled over the toilet. Seungmin watched the fashion student look at his shoes, as if it was the most interesting thing in the room.

"I’ve tried… to talk to people."

Seungmin raised his eyebrows, surprised by the confession.

"I went to see people… but I can never talk to them."

"I see. And if you don’t talk to them, they can’t help you."

"They all eventually gave up… But I can’t help it. Words get stuck and-"

"I understand…"

"I thought maybe… Maybe if I found someone like me… They could help me."

"Except no one in the club has faced the same thing as you…"

The photographer licked his lips nervously.

"I wouldn’t ask you what happened. You don’t have to talk to me. But I’m willing to help you. I can be the person you were looking for, if you let me be."

A sniff was heard as Jeongin carried a hand to his face to hide his eyes.

"Just let me be there for you."

Jeongin nodded, sobbing in his hand, a few steps away from his new friend.

Chapter Text

"Shh. You’ll wake up the others."

"Chan, it’s 8:30 in the afternoon."

The older one laughed as Hyunjin followed him, leaning against him. The younger passed a hand in his still damp hair from the pool, as he staggered against Chan’s side. Both tried to ease their laughter, trying to remain silent, in vain. Hyunjin felt drunk. However, he hadn't drunk a single drop of alcohol.

They had just spent two hours in the pool, laughing and chatting. It was just the effect Chan had on him. The impression of being drunk, without being sick the next day.

"They must not see you." The oldest whispered.

"Okay. We have to be discreet." Hyunjin laughed.

"Otherwise they'll get the wrong idea."

"Because I have wet hair, your sweater, and I don’t wear boxers under these jeans? Maybe."

Chan leaned against the door, trying to restrain himself from laughing as his ears turned red. He unlocked the door and they entered as quietly as possible. Hyunjin felt like being in a James Bond movie. His hand was wrapped around Chan’s biceps, holding him tightly as they walked on tiptoe. Their entrance would have seemed dramatic from the point of view of a spectator. But for them, it was the funniest thing in the world.

However, they stopped in their stride, when they realized that there was light in the living room, as well as eyes that were staring at them.

Jisung and Felix were seated in the sofa, Switch controllers in hand. The screen showed a part of Mario Kart on pause. The two young men stared at them, surprised and curious.

Changbin stepped out of the kitchen with three beers in his hands.

"What’s going on?"

"Well-" Jisung started.

However, he was interrupted by laughter. The two newcomers had gone back laughing, leaning against each other and falling almost against the door.

"Did they drink?" Changbin asked.

"You ask us as if they hadn’t just come home." Felix replied.

"No, no! We didn’t drink." Chan said. "We just got back from the pool."

"We’re just… in a good mood!" Hyunjin exclaimed as he took off his shoes.

"Okay…" Changbin said, suspicious.

"On that note, Mr. Hwang, a shower?"

"With pleasure!"

Hyunjin hung up on Chan as he dragged him to the bathroom.

Changbin watched them disappear into the hallway, before heading back to the couch. He put the beers on the table.

"Are they all right?" Felix asked while laughing.

"Chan seemed to be having a bad day." Changbin replied. "It’s nice to see him like this.

"That’s right." Jisung said. "He’s always so happy around Hyunjin."

"Oh, that’s really cute." Felix laughed.

Changbin slipped into the couch, pushing the boys so that he could press himself against Felix. He then put an arm on his shoulders. They heard a little more laughter coming from the hallway, before the sound of the shower started. Jisung simply restarted the game.

They barely had time to finish the race as Chan emerged from the corridor, sitting on the carpet at Changbin’s feet. The young man had changed, putting on more comfortable clothes. He placed his grinder and a small metal box on the table.

"Who wins?" He asked.

"Felix." Jisung grumbled, focused on the screen.

"Aren’t you in the shower with Hyunjin?" Felix asked, glancing at him."

Chan stopped rolling his joint, surprised.

"In the shower with Hyunjin? No? Why would I be there?"

"Oh, well… I would have thought-"

"What Felix is saying is that you were very touchy when you got there." Changbin said. "So he just assumed that you followed him."

"We’re just friends." Chan replied.

Changbin took a look at Felix, but he had refocused on the game seeing that Jisung was not far from catching him.

"If you say so." Changbin sighed.

"I say so." Chan said.

Their looks met, as Chan licked the paper to finish rolling the joint. The sports student looked away, sighing again. What the elder could be stubborn…

"I thought you guys had already fucked, to be honest." Felix let go.

"Maybe when he takes me on a date." Hyunjin replied as he entered the living room.

He had put on shorts and a hoodie that Chan had lent him.

"You will return this one to me." The eldest said.

"We’ll see if you’re good."

Chan gave him a disapproving look as Hyunjin passed his hand through his curls, to smooth them back. Jisung pretended to puke.

"You are disgusting."

"Are you staying to sleep, Felix?" Hyunjin asked to change the subject.

"No. I have to go home. It’s getting late."

"At least stay and eat with us." Changbin begged.

Felix sighed.

"If I stay to eat, there is very little chance that I will go home tonight…"

"Gee, you’ve been discovered, 'Bin." Chan laughed.

"Please." His ex tried.

"Hm… Are you staying Hyunjin?"

"Chan offered and I said yes."

"Alright… I stay."

Changbin made a gesture of victory before clapping Jisung’s hand.

"But we eat Thai!" Felix announced.

"Go for Thai then!"

•

Chan pushed the door of his room, raising his eyes from his phone. He watched Hyunjin lie on the mattress with his eyes closed for a moment before approaching the bed. He carried the phone to his ear.

"Yes, the zoo? I have a starfish in my bed."

Chan held out his hand to prick in the sides of the cheerleader as he slowly began to laugh. He twisted to try to avoid tickling, in vain.

"Come on, move, invader."

"I was there first." Hyunjin said, opening his eyes.

"But this is my bed."

The youngest rolled to the side to make room for him.

"You’re lucky I like you."

"Oh, thank you, my lord. Very happy to be able to get my bed back thanks to your kindness."

Hyunjin began to make a bad imitation of him, but the eldest man pinched his nose to make him stop. He immediately gave up while the other was struggling. Chan scrolled Twitter one last time, before shutting down the Internet connection and lying down next to Hyunjin. 

The other one was turned to the side, watching him.

"Do you have classes tomorrow?" Hyunjin asked.

"Yes, I start at 8.

"What about Changbin and Jisung?"

"Same."

The brunette groaned gently.

"Goodbye sleeping late… I don’t start until noon…"

Chan hummed, also turning to the side.

"And?"

"Well, I’ll have to leave at the same time as you."

They looked at each other for a moment before Chan’s gaze slipped elsewhere. He observed the pattern on his sheets and the folds of the duvet. Anything rather than watching Hyunjin while making that offer.

"I- You don’t have to…" He whispered. "I can leave you my keys…"

"Would you leave me your keys?"

"Sure. As long as you promise to close behind you when you leave. You'll give them back to me during the day."

Hyunjin got closer.

"Will you leave me alone in your apartment?"

"Yes."

"How about I jerk off in one of your socks?" Hyunjin whispered in a conspiratorial way."

Chan burst out laughing, rubbing his eyes.

'You're killing me."

"What? That’s a possibility."

"You're so weird…"

"Maybe, but you like me."

He licked his lips, suddenly nervous. He could still feel the sweet hum of the joint they had smoked earlier. Chan knew that Hyunjin only said that to laugh. It was just his way of humor. Flirting.

Except for Chan, it was starting to get so much more…

"That’s right. I like you… But you’re not allowed to jerk off in my socks."

Hyunjin laughed softly, before getting closer and snuggling up against him. He glued his forehead against Chan’s chest, rubbing it carelessly against the fabric of the shirt he was wearing.

"I am tired…"

"It’s because of the joint." Chan gently replied. "You can sleep. It’s okay."

The elder stretched his arm awkwardly behind him, turning off his bedside lamp. The room was plunged into darkness. Hyunjin let out a moan of complain.

"I don’t want to sleep now."

"Shh, that’s okay. You can sleep."

The psychology student slipped his hand on his shoulder, gently rubbing it. He began humming a random melody. It didn't take Hyunjin long to fall asleep. Soft snoring cut the silence of the room, while Chan stared at the void. His hand was still moving on Hyunjin’s shoulder, as his thoughts began to run.

Was that really a good idea…

•

Changbin raised his head from his computer when he heard someone knocking on his door. He hummed a "come in" as he glanced at the time. It was almost 1:00 in the morning.

Felix’s adorable face walked through the door.

"Can I?"

"Of course." The older replied.

The dancer entered gently, before closing the door behind him.

"Jisung snores like a trucker. I can’t sleep."

He advanced gently to bed, climbing on it with delicacy.

"You can stay here if you want. I don’t mind." Changbin said.

"Thank you."

The youngest offered him a smile before slipping into the sheets. He leaned against his ex-boyfriend, resting his head on his shoulder.

"Are you working now?"

"No. Just something for the production club… I’ll stop for tonight."

Changbin saved his work, before closing the computer and sliding it onto the floor. He leaned a little more against the heat which rested near his flan. His cheek rubbed against Felix’s already tangled hair while he could feel his shampoo on him.

"I’m glad you stayed…"

"Because I ended up in your bed?" Felix laughed softly.

"No. Just because I was able to spend time with you."

The young blond man stood up. Now sitting side by side and looking into his eyes, Changbin couldn’t help but find Felix still so beautiful. The older man’s hand landed on the dancer’s cheek, gently caressing the tan skin.

His throat was so dry in his presence. Changbin found himself unable to formulate a correct sentence, while Felix’s look slipped on his lips in front of his own. Unconsciously, he found himself getting closer. Their faces were now only a few centimeters apart.

"We shouldn’t…" Felix whispered.

"That’s true… But I really want to."

"Me too…"

Changbin smiled, before reducing the distance between them. It had been weeks since he had been able to taste Felix’s lips. That mouth he knew by heart, from the time he got to know it. However, each time, he had the impression of rediscovering it.

Their lips met, sliding against each other as if they had never left each other. Felix tilted his head to the side, bringing them closer together. Changbin felt the warmth of his ex-boyfriend's little hand sneaking along his torso, clinging to his neck.

Greedy, Changbin got closer, slipping his tongue into Felix’s mouth. The kiss intensified rapidly as the youngest panted against Changbin’s lips. His fingers twisted in the fabric of his shirt.

Much too quickly to his liking, Felix moved away, breaking the kiss. They remained opposite each other, only a few centimeters away. Changbin could feel the young man’s warm breath against his mouth, multiplying his desire to do it again.

"We really shouldn’t." Felix said.

"It doesn’t commit us to anything." replied Changbin.

"Just a kiss…"

The older one barely had time to think about an answer that Felix’s mouth was attacking him again with his lips, while the dancer’s hand was slipping in his hair, clinging desperately.

Changbin’s fingers slid along his body, clinging to Felix’s hips.

It was just a kiss.

•

Chan crouched down by the bed. It hurt his heart to wake him up, but he had to tell him he was leaving.

Hyunjin had his face buried in the pillow that Chan had used during the night. His hair was tangled and resting on his face, covering him almost completely. The only thing he could see was the tip of his nose.

Smiling gently at the image, Chan slipped his hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder to gently rub his shoulder.

"Hyunjin?" He whispered.

A sleeping groan answered him.

"I’m going. Felix is staying too. There’s breakfast in the fridge and closets. The keys are on the kitchen counter.

"Hmm... No, stay." Hyunjin replied, still half asleep.

"I can’t. I have class."

The dancer gave him a sad sigh as he rolled on his back to get his hair out of his face. Chan could barely see his face, thanks to the light coming from the hallway.

"My lunch break is at 11:00. Shall we meet to eat together?" The oldest asked.

The other student just nodded as Chan squeezed his shoulder one last time before getting up.

Hyunjin watched him go out, closing the door behind him, before again pushing his face into the pillow. He took a great breath, enjoying the pleasant scent, before going back to sleep.

•

Hyunjin pushed the door of Chan’s room, putting on the hoodie of the older one. It was cool this morning. He stretched, advancing into the living room.

"Ah, here you are Mister Hwang."

He pulled the hood over his head, watching Felix turn towards him with a mysterious look, his hands clasped. Hyunjin let slip a yawn.

"It’s too early for your bullshit…"

"It’s 10:00 a.m. And my imitation of the villain in James Bond was cool!"

The older one blew through the nose, amused, before heading to the kitchen for breakfast. He rummaged through the closets a little, before Felix came to his rescue, helping him to prepare tea and crackers.

"Have you eaten yet?"

"Yes. I got up with the others. I had breakfast with them."

Hyunjin hummed. He started eating while his friend sat at the table in front of him.

"So! Spill the tea!" He complained.

"About what?"

"You and Chan of course!"

"There is nothing to say."

The blond rolled his eyes, seeming exasperated.

"You're killing me… You like each other. We can see it like the nose in the middle of your face."

"Felix… We’re both coming out of complicated relationships…"

"But you’re flirting with him."

"Well… He’s handsome, sexy and really nice… What is bred in the bone will come out in the flesh!”

Hyunjin took a sip of his tea.

"So... you don’t plan to solve all this sexual tension?"

"I’m not going to lie to you. I’m obviously interested in him, but…"

"Too soon...?"

"Yeah... too soon." Hyunjin sighed.

He finished his breakfast in silence, while Felix claps his fingers on the table.

"You know he’s not like Woojae." The blond let out.

"I know. I’ve never compared him to Woojae… It’s just… a job I have to do on myself. Learning to trust again… I’m sure Chan is in the same boat. We flirt just for fun…"

"If you say so…"

Hyunjin drank the last sip of his tea. He was sure it was the best decision. He needed time to understand things on his own. Trusting someone again was complicated for him. It was certain that Chan would have even more trouble, after what had happened with the other bitch…

He was just wondering why his heart was tightening at this idea....

•

Jisung was biting his fingernails. His eyes were fixed on the front of the coffee shop, while he was across the street.

It was Friday afternoon. It had been almost a week since he met Minho in the coffee shop. And he was terrified to face him again.

During that week, he did his best to avoid the older boy. The only time he couldn't was the club. He had tried to withdraw for the day, but Changbin had seen through his play and caught him before he could escape.

Jisung didn’t want to meet Minho. He didn’t want the older one to look at him. He didn’t want him to read in his head.

He changed his finger to gnaw, staring at the storefront. What was the probability that Minho did not have a course on Friday afternoon and that he was currently in the coffee shop? Surely very low.

In the worst case, Jisung would run away. Yeah, he was a flight expert. He could handle that. Dodge the look, avoid the conversation, and jump up and down the aisle if anything goes wrong.

He wiped his wet fingers on his T-shirt, taking a breath to give himself courage. And he crossed the road.

Jisung walked through the door of the cafe. He was going to order coffee, cheesecake and set up for work. Everything was going to be okay, and he’s not going to run into the other student. He’s not going to run into anybody. His thoughts were going to stay safe in his mind.

He stood in the queue, which advanced quickly.

After collecting his food, he set off to a corner of the room. Luckily, there weren’t that many people, so he found a free table easily.

Jisung put on his headphones and opened his computer. It was time to immerse himself in work. He opened the piece on which he was working, ignoring his surroundings. All that mattered now was the sounds and instruments he was manipulating for his piece.

The young producer may not have been very attentive. He was aware of that. However, when it concerned music, nothing could distract him once he had entered into the creation of a piece. The inspiration flowed in his mind, like threads under the fingers of a weaver.

Jisung worked hard for about two hours before he ran out of caffeine. He sighed before pulling his headphones back. He hadn’t finished working and he didn’t have a drink… He couldn’t work properly without his favorite coffee. Was it reasonable to go and buy another one? Maybe not for his health, but his tired brain would die of envy. He didn’t know if it was really safe to leave all his stuff at the mercy of everyone… The coffee wasn't full and the counter was right next door. He could easily watch to see if anyone was snooping too close.

He raised his head, getting ready to take his empty cup to the counter, when he saw him. His butt met the chair again.

Minho was leaning at the counter, watching him from a distance. Jisung immediately felt cold sweats slipping into his back, as their eyes were anchored in each other. He couldn’t look away. It terrified him. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe it’s because Minho was unpredictable, and if he looked away, anything and everything could happen.

After a few moments, Minho finally moved. He took off the counter, carrying with him two cups that Jisung knew were Ice Americano. Why did they have to love the same fucking drink.

Jisung didn't move a millimeter, continuing to follow the elder with his eyes. When he reached his table, he placed one of the cups in front of Jisung, before settling in front of him.

"Why are you avoiding me?" Minho asked point-blank before taking a sip.

Jisung swallowed.

"I- I’m not avoiding you…"

"Jisung. I’m not stupid. I can’t run into you in the hallways all week, even as I walk through the arts building. And the only time we met, you ran away when you had the chance."

The youngest finally looked away, unable to sustain Minho’s gaze. Why was he making him feel guilty? And why on earth did he feel guilty in the first place…

Minho pushed the remaining cup a little more towards him, prompting him to take it.

"Ice Americano. As an apology."

"A-As an apology for what?" Jisung babbled.

"No idea. I was assuming you could tell me. If you’re avoiding me, I must have said something that you had a problem with last time."

Hesitating, Jisung extended a trembling hand to take the cup offered. He drank a sip, regretting a little that his throat was so knotted. It didn’t help to enjoy the drink.

"I don’t know what you’re thinking... And I’m pissed off." Jisung said. "I feel like you can read me like an open book. I hate that."

"I assure you, that’s not the case. Quite the contrary. Most of the time, I can’t guess what’s going on in your head."

Jisung frowned.

'And that’s a good thing."

"I don’t know… Maybe not."

He frowned a little more. Minho was definitely a weird guy.

"Do you come to this coffee shop often?"

"Why do you want to know? To stalk me?" 

"Just to do the conversation." Minho sighed. "Why are you so paranoid?"

"Because I don’t know what you’re thinking." Jisung grunted.

"You want to know what I think? Okay."

Minho leaned forward.

"I think you’re cute and I want to get to know you."

"I'm sorry ?"

"You asked."

Jisung looked at him, surprised. He could feel the heat coming to his cheeks. He was sure that he looked like a tomato. The younger one started stammering, looking away. Was Minho messing with him? Was that just a way to humiliate him a little more?

"So you come often?"

"Coffee is cheap here." Jisung said, mistrustful.

- I see… I come because I think they make the best americano in the area."

"They do make good ones… Ice americano is my favorite drink."

"Really? Me too." Minho confessed. "I only feed on that during my exams."

"Same." Jisung gently laughed. "Not very nourishing, but it awakens."

He took another sip.

"Do you live on campus too?" Minho asked.

"Yeah. With Chan and Changbin. We’re in the newest building."

"Oh yes. I heard that there are bigger apartments there. You all have your own room?"

"Yes, fortunately. No matter how much we love each other, I’m not sure we would survive if we were stacked on top of each other. The rooms aren’t that big, and so is the living space, but we have privacy, so it’s cool."

Minho hummed, finishing his coffee.

"What about you?" Jisung politely asked.

"On campus as well."

"Oh. You have a roommate?"

"No, not anymore. He graduated last year. I was supposed to have a new one, but he never showed up. He must have dropped out of college before he even started."

"What is it like to live alone?"

The oldest shrugged his shoulders.

"Rather lonely… But I go out a lot, so it compensates."

"I’ve never lived alone." Jisung said. "I’ve always lived with my parents and my brother. At the beginning of university, I would travel every day to come because I didn’t feel like moving to campus with a stranger…"

"What changed your mind?"

"I met Chan and Changbin at the music production club and we clicked well… so I accepted when they offered me."

"It’s nice that you found people to trust. As far as I know, the friends we make in college are the ones we’re most likely to keep."

"I hope you’re right then…"

Jisung glanced at his computer, whose screen had gone into sleep, before looking at Minho again. Oddly enough, he didn’t feel nervous any more. He even felt... calm. It was quite rare with strangers. He had known Minho through the club for several weeks, but still…

"Did you say you had a brother? Younger?"

"No. Older. To my great despair."

"Why?" Minho laughed. He made you miserable ?"

"Exactly." Jisung sighed. "But that’s okay, we always kind of got along. We were just a bit of a daredevil."

"Oh yes? What kind?"

"Well, I almost got eaten by a crocodile once because of him, so ..."

Minho burst out laughing.

"I don’t believe you."

Jisung clapped his hand on the table, falsely offended.

"Why does no one ever believe me!"

"Maybe it’s because it sounds pretty incredible!"

"I spent several years in Malaysia, it happened there. We went for a walk in the jungle and my brother gave me a stupid challenge: to swim in a river. So I did."

"Except there were crocodiles."

"Yes." Jisung gently laughed. "I think that’s when my parents' first white hair appeared."

"Understandable…"

"What about you? Siblings?"

"No, unfortunately. I'm an only child…"

"Oh. It must have been boring…"

"A little, but I was fine. I had a lot of neighbours to play with."

The youngest hummed, finishing his coffee. Minho’s phone vibrated on the table, probably due to a notification. So the young man picked it up to check. It was then that Jisung saw the cute little stickers that were stuck on the phone’s cover.

"Do you like cats?"

"Um, yes, why?" Minho asked, raising his head.

"The stickers on your phone."

Minho turned his phone and his face lit up, as if he suddenly rediscovered that there were stickers.

"Oh. Yes. These are my cats."

"You have cats?"

"Yes, three. They live with my parents."

Minho searched his phone before handing the camera to Jisung, showing him a photo of the three felines.

"This one is Soonie. This is the oldest one. This one is Doongie, he talks a lot. And the gray one is Dori, the last one."

"They are cute."

"Want to see more pictures?"

"Of course!"

Minho smiled, happy to be able to show pictures of his children. He scrolled through his entire photo file, adding comments here and there to tell anecdotes. Jisung listened wisely, asking questions from time to time. He was more a dog person, but all the animals were cute from his point of view. Besides, Minho seemed to really like his cats.

This lasted for long minutes, until they were interrupted by a call coming into the phone of the oldest.

"Ah, excuse me. I have to take the call."

"Of course." Jisung replied.

Minho walked away, picking up the phone. He quickly exchanged while the youngest sat quietly at the table, looking at him from the corner of his eye. He approached again, after having hung up.

"I’m sorry, I have to go… It was nice talking to you."

"Hm… Same."

Jisung offered him a smile that he hoped be sincere. It's true that the discussion had been pleasant. Minho was certainly a bit strange, but in the end, he was really not bad.

"So..." Minho began.

"Yes?"

"I recently won two tickets to a movie premiere on Sunday morning. I was planning on going with a friend, but he just told me that he was finally canceling.... So if you’re interested…."

"A film about what?"

"From what I understand, it’s a B-movie. Apocalyptic theme and zombies at the rendezvous."

"Hm…"

"You don’t have to say yes. It’s just that he was the only friend who could come, and the place is going to get lost."

Jisung bit his lip nervously, looking away.

"It’s not... a date, is it?

"Absolutely not. Just a film outing between two… acquaintances?"

"Hm… Okay. I’ll come."

"Great." Minho smiled. "9:30 A.M in front of the west entrance?"

"Okay, that’s fine."

"Super."

Minho quickly picked up his things.

"You're going to stop avoiding me?"

"All right." Jisung laughed.

"Nice. See you on Sunday then."

"See you on Sunday…"

Jisung watched him come out of the coffee shop. He followed him through the glass until he disappeared into the crowd.

That’s right. It was nice to talk to him…

Maybe getting to know each other would finally be a good idea…

Chapter Text

Hyunjin was sitting at the table in his living room, with tons of paper spread out in front of him. He sighed, passing his hand through his hair. As the cheerleader captain, he was responsible to alleviate the workload of coaches, and that meant a lot, a lot, of boring paperwork.

The competition season was about to open. He was currently in the process of listing all the competitions in which the school was going to involve its teams, in addition to the cheer team. His role was to compose the cheer teams, according to the availabilities of each, before submitting them to the coach.

In other words, it was a real puzzle.

There were about ten sports teams competing in the first semester. Some of them was swimming and rugby. Initially, he would have placed himself in the rugby cheering group at every opportunity, but things had changed. And that changed the whole balance they had now.

He wanted to pull his hair out.

His phone vibrated against the table, making him sigh. Maybe he could just stop for today? He had to submit the suggestions by the end of next week. He still had time…

He grabbed his phone, unlocking it. A smile immediately appeared on his face when he saw that he had received a message from Chan.

Mister Bang 🌊💙

3:33 PM | Hey

3:33 PM | Are you busy?

Drama Lama 🍀

3:34 PM | For you? Never. (·ω<)☆

Mister Bang 🌊💙

3:35 PM | ε=ε=ε=ε=┌(;￣▽￣)┘

Drama Lama 🍀

3:36 PM | This one is funny! I’ve never seen it before!

Mister Bang 🌊💙

3:36 PM | It means that I am running from you. You and your nonsense!

Drama Lama 🍀

3:37 PM | You're mean. (ಡ‸ಡ)

3:37 PM | Otherwise, no. I’m not busy. Why?

Mister Bang 🌊💙

3:38 PM | I wanted to know if you were free tonight?

Hyunjin was staring at the message as his body reacted at the question. He could feel his heart start beating a little faster, as his hands got sweaty. He was certain that he was also blushing.

Did Chan wanted to ask him out? What was he going to say? He wasn't prepared for this possibility.

Hyunjin was convinced that in their duet, he was the one who took the initiative. Chan really seemed to be a rather reserved guy. At least, more reserved than him. He couldn’t even flirt properly without making this little embarrassed smile that Hyunjin thought was very cute.

Was he the one who pushed him into this? With all the jokes about going out on a date? They were just basic jokes to get Chan to babble on. But if the older guy had taken them seriously....

He sighed, thinking what to say.

Drama Lama 🍀

3:41 PM | I have nothing planned for the moment.

3:42 PM | Why?

Mister Bang 🌊💙

3:45 PM | I plan to teach Changbin to cook a new recipe. He invited Felix to come and taste the dinner. I figured you could come too?

3:46 PM | Only if you want to!

3:46 PM | I’m not going to lie, neither of us is a wonderful cook.

3:46 PM | We are… quite the opposite.

3:47 PM | But we plan to rewatch the Scary Movie entire films afterwards. And if the food is inedible, we will order!

Drama Lama 🍀

3:50 PM | I would have said yes in the first sentence. No need to justify yourself so much to convince me! ☆⌒(≧▽ ° )

Mister Bang 🌊💙

3:53 PM | I do not justify myself.

3:54 PM | I am trying to explain clearly what you are getting into by saying yes.

Drama Lama 🍀

3:55 PM | Admit that you just really want me to be there.

Mister Bang 🌊💙

3:56 PM | Why admit something you already know.

Drama Lama 🍀

3:57 PM | I’ll be there around 7.

3:58 PM | I want to see the carnage and make fun of Changbin.

Mister Bang 🌊💙

4:00 PM | He tells you to fuck off.

4:01 PM | See you tonight!

Hyunjin locked his phone, then buried his red face in his hands. He let out a little laughter before sliding his hair back. He took a breath. He had to try to calm down.

On the one hand, he was relieved that Chan was not actually inviting him out. Otherwise, he wouldn't have known what to say. On the other hand… Maybe he was a little tempted by the idea.

However, it was just a party with friends. And his heart was pounding because he couldn’t wait to make fun of Changbin. That was it.

•

Chan had told him that they weren't wonderful cooks, but Hyunjin hadn't imagined that it would be that bad. He was currently sitting at the counter with Felix, who was trying to restrain himself from making fun of his ex. Changbin was leaning over the table, concentrating, trying to break an egg properly.

His older roommate was standing next to him, supervising the task.

"How did you survive a year dating him?" The cheerleader asked.

"I was cooking." Felix laughed.

"Hey!" Changbin grumbled. "I can cook."

"Bin', concentrate." Chan sighed as he cut green onions next to him.

Changbin laid the egg still intact, making a sulky pout.

"They’re laughing at me."

"I saw. Come on, break this egg. We have to make this omelet."

The sports student sighed, before taking the egg again and trying to break it. He repeated it several times, under the amused eye of the dancers. Finally, he succeeds.

"Look! I did it!"

"That’s good Bin'. Now we need eight more." Chan said.

"Eight? How big do you want this omelet to be?" Hyunjin laughed.

"Well, there are five of us eating… I was going to cut the mixture a bit with milk, then split it in three to make two appetizers and a real omelette." Chan timidly said. "Let’s make a tomato salad with it."

Hyunjin nodded, glancing at Felix, who was encouraging Changbin. Funny mix. Did they always eat that sort of menu?

Once Changbin had finished breaking the eggs, Chan asked him to start cutting the tomatoes. For his part, he began to beat the eggs. He pushed the kitchen whisk several times into the eggs to break the yolks, under the dubious gaze of the dancers.

"Chan."

The eldest raised his head at the call of his name, to watch Hyunjin. The youngest showed a circular movement with his arm, while he pretended to hold a bowl.

"I know how to beat eggs." Chan replied, as the red rose from his cheeks.

"Well, you seem to have a very particular technique…"

"I was just breaking the yolks." He said with a pouty pout before I started really beating them."

Hyunjin escaped a laugh, before approaching to pat him on the shoulder as an apology. Felix also approached, trying to watch that Changbin didn't cut his fingers. That’s when Jisung walked through the door of the apartment.

He looked at the chaos in the kitchen for a moment, then shrugged his shoulders and took off his shoes.

"What do we eat?" He asked when he came to watch.

Chan quickly listed what was on the menu while Jisung nodded his head. It didn’t seem to shock him, to Hyunjin’s surprise.

"Do you often eat these kinds of… odd menus?"

"When we don’t order some takeout, yes. Although we usually just sit on the couch and eat chicken breast and pasta." Jisung laughed.

"Not really healthy…"

"It’s good for sportsmen." Chan said. "Protein, all that." It’s probably gonna be most of my diet soon because of the competitions. Jisung and Changbin are compensating at the gym, so they tend to eat the same things as me.

"Oh, it sounds funnier than what I eat during competition season." Hyunjin said.

Chan glanced at him after separating the mixture into different bowls.

"Cheerleaders are on a special diet?"

Hyunjin winced as Felix rolled his eyes.

"Yeah. Salad and vomit." He said in a poisonous tone.

"Lix!" Hyunjin scolded.

"You know very well what I mean-"

"Hyunjin?" Chan cut them, worried. "Eating disorders are very serious. If you suffer from bulimia or if some members of your team suffer from it-"

"Chan, calm down. Felix was just laughing." Hyunjin sighed.

They looked at each other for a moment. Chan really looked worried.

"We had a case on the team last year." Hyunjin said. "But she was hospitalized and is being followed now. I don’t have an eating disorder. Felix is just worried, because cheerleaders have to really pay attention to their weight…"

"You’ve already had some faints because of that." Felix scolded. "Plus, you know very well that the coaches are at the limit of advise you to make yourself vomit."

"Excuse me?" Chan said.

He quickly washed his hands before approaching Hyunjin.

"Felix is exaggerating. It’s not true."

"They turn a blind eye to it!" The blond replied. "You must have taken charge of Anya. They did nothing."

Hyunjin sighed.

"Hyunjin. Can we have a talk in private?" Chan asked.

"Of course." He gently replied.

"Good. Felix, if you could watch Changbin. Don’t let the kitchen burn."

The blond dancer nodded as Chan led the cheerleader into his room. He closed the door while Hyunjin sat on the bed.

"Is what Felix says true? Coaches turn a blind eye to it?"

"I don’t know…"

"Hyunjin, if that’s the case, it’s serious. It can a failure to provide assistance."

"I don’t know if they knew anything. As Felix said, I took care of Anya when I found out. I told the administration and they took care of the rest. The management had to say it to the coaches. If they knew, they probably would have been fired…"

"Good…"

"Felix is just worried."

Chan sighed, sitting next to him.

"And I understand that. I’m worried now too."

"Chan. I promise you, everything is fine. We’re just on a strict diet that monitors our weight gain. It’s necessary when you’re a flyer…"

"A flyer?"

"Yes. In cheerleading, you have the flyers, those who are at the top of the pyramid and who make the jumps. And you have the catchers, those who support them at the bottom of the pyramid. Flyers must not exceed a certain weight and catchers have a diet that allows them to do their job properly.

"So you’re a flyer…"

"I’m the captain. That’s my job…"

Chan frowned. To be honest, he knew almost nothing about cheerleading. Perhaps he was beginning to regret his ignorance.

"It must be complicated…"

"That’s okay. I’m used to it... it’s become more annoying since I’ve… grown up. Normally, flyers are small and light." Hyunjin laughed. "So I stick out like a sore thumb with my 5'10"…"

The eldest hummed, gently rubbing the dancer’s back.

"What kind of diet do you follow?"

"I pay attention throughout the year in general… But during the competition season, we monitor our calorie intake a lot. So I usually turn to rice, fruits and vegetables, as well as chicken and fish in small quantities."

"What about the faints Felix was talking about?"

Hyunjin sighed as his shoulders dropped. He looked away, searching for what to say.

"Hyunjin?"

"It was nothing… The two times it happened, it was during periods of high heat. It was mostly because of dehydration...and maybe because I had very little lunch."

"Hyun-"

"I don’t want lectures, Chan. I’ve already learned my lesson, okay?"

Chan looked him in the eyes, trying to see if he was telling him the truth or not. However, Hyunjin was just tense. He didn’t seem to really want to discuss the subject with him.

"Sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude. I’m just worried about you."

"I know…"

A slight awkward silence invaded the room, before Hyunjin got up.

"We should go back to the kitchen and see if Changbin burned anything." He suggested.

"Yes, you're right."

Hyunjin started moving towards the door, but Chan grabbed his wrist quickly.

"We’re… We’re fine, right? I’m sorry if what I said went over a line…"

"It’s okay, Chan. Don’t worry... We’re fine."

"Cool."

The eldest left his arm awkwardly, before wiping his sweaty hands on his shirt. Hyunjin offered him a smile and then left the room.

Chan let out a breath he didn’t think he could hold. He didn’t know why he was so nervous, but one thing was for sure, he was worried about his friend. He believed Hyunjin, but he couldn’t help but wonder if that was the whole truth.

•

The film was running in the background. The characters were screaming in terror as the antagonist in the funny mask chased them. However, Hyunjin was totally not focused on what was happening on the screen.

His head rested on Chan’s shoulder, while he was leaning against the older man. He had tried to watch the film, but his thoughts were directed to another subject. He couldn’t stop himself from replaying the scene from earlier. Chan seemed so worried about him that it wasn’t even justified. They were friends, yes, but wasn’t that an overreaction? Felix was worried about him, too, but he was his best friend, and he knew each other a lot longer than he did with Chan.

Hyunjin straightened his head slightly, pretending to put a hand in his hair to get it out of his face. He looked discreetly at the older man, who was focused on the film. He looked at his profile. The slope of his nose, eyelashes, lips…

The young man licked his lips slightly, settling down again against Chan. He felt the swimmer put his cheek against the top of his head as the hand loosely resting on his hip began to draw soothing circles.

He closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the feeling of being against Chan. Of being warm and feeling strangely safe. He was comfortable.

It was a strange feeling. Hyunjin had dated a lot of guys. Not that he changed his boyfriend like he changed his shirt, but between high school and his two first years of college, he was able to test a lot of things, with a lot of people. He was popular and he attracted people’s attention. In addition, he was naturally friendly and flirted as he breathed. It was therefore logical that he ended up with several conquests.

However, to his surprise, he had never felt that way. It made him confused. He didn’t really love every boy he went out with. Obviously, he liked them, but he wasn’t necessarily in love. In a few rare cases, Hyunjin was madly in love. He still knew what it was.

But none of his relationships made him feel like Chan did now. And they weren’t even in a relationship.

Hyunjin felt listened to with the elder. He knew that if he asked, Chan would drop everything he was doing, just to listen to him talk. He felt safe with him. He felt appreciated. He definitely felt good and comfortable.

He rubbed his eyes, thinking back to the conversation he had with Felix earlier in the week. Maybe it was more than an innocent flirt after all… Maybe he was really falling in love with Chan… And it complicated a lot of things.

Feeling Chan moving against him, he stood up, coming out of his thoughts. The oldest man grabbed the pipe of the bang that Jisung was giving him. He took a deep breath, before returning it to his roommate. He then reinstalled himself against the back of the sofa, but Hyunjin remained upright, watching the smoke come out of Chan’s body as he just blew through his nose.

He stood there for a few seconds, drawing Chan’s attention. The eldest raised an eyebrow, before starting to gently rub his back.

"Are you okay?" He whispered.

Hyunjin blinked before humming and reinstalling himself on his shoulder.

"Just tired…"

Chan grabbed his phone to watch the time.

"It’s almost 2:00. You can go to bed if you want."

The younger one shook his head negatively. Chan looked at him for a second before looking at the others. Felix had already fallen asleep for a while, leaning against Changbin. He was still awake, but was looking at something on his phone, totally disinterested in the film. Jisung was half asleep, sitting between Felix’s legs.

"The movie is almost over. I think we should go to bed afterwards."

"Yeah. I think everybody’s ready to go sleep there." Changbin hummed.

Hyunjin simply nodded, when in truth his eyelids were not so heavy…

•

"Can you explain to me why I end up with a starfish in my bed several nights a week?"

Hyunjin laughed, lying on his back, as he looked at the ceiling of Chan’s room. It was 2:30 and everyone had gone to the rooms to sleep. However, Hyunjin wasn't really tired. On the contrary, he felt the energy vibrating under his skin and boiling his blood.

His gaze couldn't be detached from the glowing stars hanging on Chan’s ceiling, when all his mind could shout at him was the name of the person lying next to him.

"I’m a domestic starfish now. I live here.

"Did I adopt you?" Chan laughed.

"I adopted you, human."

The blond laughed, lying down right beside him to also look at the stars. A soothing silence invaded the room, while they watched in silence the small pieces of plastic. The phosphorescence was spoilt by the bedside lamp lit next to them, but it didn’t matter.

Among the few nights Hyunjin had spent here, he had always enjoyed these stars. However, he had always wondered why Chan had hung them. The question was now burning his lips more than in previous times.

The eldest stretched as the cheerleader opened his mouth.

"Why did you hang stars on the ceiling?"

"Why not?"

"Well… I don’t know many people your age who do that."

Chan gave him a little shoulder.

'Don’t call me old. Besides, there’s no age to have stars on the ceiling."

"But there must be a reason, isn’t there?"

Hyunjin kept his eyes on the ceiling, while he could hear Chan sighing softly beside him.

"When I was younger, I had night terrors. I had a lot of nightmares too… Over time, the terrors finally calmed down, but not the nightmares… I had an anarchic sleep rhythm. My mom bought me stars like that and hung them on my ceiling. She told me that if I ever woke up and I was scared, the stars would help me."

"How can plastic stars help?"

"I don’t know." Chan laughed. "But the important thing is that it made me feel safe. The nightmares gradually calmed down."

Hyunjin looked away from the stars, to focus on Chan.

"Do you still have nightmares?"

"I always have a really bad sleep rhythm." Chan said. "I have a lot of insomnia. It was better for a while, because I had set a rhythm and rituals for myself, to help me sleep, but since Mia left me…"

The eldest took a break, keeping his gaze on the ceiling, but Hyunjin had taken over. Shyly, he reached out to catch Chan’s fingers. The older one jumped slightly on contact, before relaxing in the grip and grabing his hand as well.

"My brain never wants to be silent. This is the hardest part… Insomnia is only stronger. I still have nightmares and night terrors, but I can’t even fall asleep most of the time…"

Chan sighed.

"When it started to get too much, I looked for a way to ease insomnia before I went crazy because of sleep deprivation. I tried the medications, the usual rituals… but either it doesn’t work anymore or it gives me nightmares… Only weed helps me a little."

"So you bought stars?"

"I mentioned it on a call with my mom, and she reminded me of that star story. I thought, why not try?"

"And it worked?"

The eldest made a pout, not leaving the stars from the eyes.

"Not really… But I didn’t have the courage to take them off. I got attached to them."

Hyunjin hummed.

"I love them."

"Do you?" Chan whispered.

"Yes, I do. I like to look at the stars in general. I find it pleasant. It’s quiet. There’s no light, no noise, no one to look at you or talk to you… It’s just me and the stars. It’s like… looking at the stars, but be comfortably seated in a bed as a bonus."

"Do you often look at them?"

"No… Light pollution is too important here unfortunately… We don’t see much."

"We could get out of town… just for a weekend. We would book a hotel room somewhere and we could go and look at the stars together." Chan timidly proposed.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"But when? It’s early November. It’s going to get really cold at night…"

Chan shrugged his shoulders.

"Why not go next weekend? It may take a long time to wait until spring."

"Hmm… Okay! Do you have a car?"

"Yeah. It usually stays at my parents' home, but I’ll pick it up for the occasion."

"You keep a lot of things from me." Hyunjin hummed. "I wish I had known about this car a lot sooner, Mister Bang.

"For me to be your personal driver? It's out of the question." The elder laughed.

Hyunjin simply smiled as he turned his attention back to the stars. He could feel his cheeks getting hot as the realization was taking place. He didn’t think Chan had planned it as a date, but he couldn’t help but find it romantic. Two people doing a mini road trip to lie down in the grass and watch the stars. It almost sounded like romance novels.

Not that Hyunjin was going to complain. He was an incorrigible romantic. So even if it wasn’t really a date, he couldn’t stop his heart from beating.

His thoughts gradually drifted back to their original subject. His eyes were starting to burn slowly because of fatigue, but he wouldn’t stop talking. He didn’t want to break that little moment he had with Chan. It was silly, because he spent a lot of time alone with Chan in general. But the present moment felt so intimate and fragile, that he refused to break it because of sleep.

"Said." The youngest hummed.

"Hm?"

"I know I am now your personal starfish, invader of dormitory and bed, but ..."

Chan escaped an amused breath.

"The few times I’ve slept in your bed, with you… You’ve never had insomnia or nightmares, have you? Or did you hide it from me?"

There was a slight silence. Hyunjin could feel Chan’s fingers twitching nervously in his grip.

"No, it’s true. I’ve always slept well with you here…"

"Is that a lie?"

"That’s entirely true… it’s even… the longest nights of sleep I’ve had in a long time."

Hyunjin simply nodded, absorbing the information. On the one hand, he was pleased that Chan could sleep when he was there. However, from another.... He was afraid he would draw a parallel with his relationship with Mia. Hyunjin was afraid that Chan would be able to sleep, because there was someone in his bed, which reminded him of the old days, when Mia was still there.

And he hated the idea.

"What’s my name?" Hyunjin let out.

"Huh?"

The eldest frowned, worried by the question, while the brown licked his lips nervously. Why the hell did he let that slip away.

"Well- Hyunjin?" Chan replied, suspicious.

Hyunjin let out a tired sigh.

"Are you sure you’re okay?"

"Yeah, I’m just tired. Do you mind if we turn the light off?"

"No, of course. No problem."

Chan let go of Hyunjin’s hand to turn and press the switch, plunging the room into the darkness. Now the stars were shining brightly. The youngest was again attracted to them, almost hypnotized.

He felt the eldest lie down properly, before feeling him getting closer and snuggling up against him. Hyunjin turned his gaze away from the stars, to also roll on the flank and bury his face in Chan’s T-shirt.

"Good night." He whispered.

"Good night, Hyunjin."

He hummed, before closing his eyes, letting fatigue take over him and wash away his worries.

Bonus

A little illustration I did some days ago :)

[Don't repost / Don't cancel the watermark, ty !]

Chapter Text

Jisung was nervously looking at the apartment as he put on his sneakers. The others were all sitting at the table, enjoying their breakfast.

"Are you sure you don’t want to eat with us?" Chan asked.

"Unfortunately, I won’t have time." Jisung said while catching a piece of brioche." I have to be at the gate at 9:30."

"And you’re going to…?" Changbin asked before taking a sip of coffee.

Jisung was about to take a bite of his impromptu breakfast, but he stopped before. He lowered his arm slightly, hesitating. Was it wise to tell them where he was going? Maybe? Just in case something happened to him. Minho didn’t look dangerous, but we were never sure about anything. Especially since Jisung didn’t know him a lot.

And after all, it wasn’t like it was to remain a secret.

"I’m going to the cinema with Minho."

"The cinema?" Chan repeated.

"With Minho?" Felix asked.

"On a Sunday morning…" Changbin added.

"Yeah… We hit it off and he won tickets to a movie premiere, so he invited me. I said yes because the movie sounded interesting.

"I see." Chan gently said. "Well, have fun. Call me if anything happens, right?"

The young man nodded in response, before finally eating his piece of brioche. He put on his coat and grabbed his keys.

"I’ll go home to eat."

He left the apartment without taking another look at his roommates, of fear that Changbin begin to interrogate him. Jisung really loved them, but sometimes they could be a little too much on his back. He knew they were just worried about him, especially since what happened with his ex...

But Jisung was a big boy, he could do it alone. He was better now. And Minho was nice.

They were just going to see a zombie movie at the cinema. Nothing more.

The young man ran down the stairs. He was in a good mood this morning, despite the anticipation that was beginning to tie his stomach. Jisung quickly made his way to the meeting point, and glanced at his watch. He was a few minutes early. Leaning against the metal of the gates, he turned himself to the street to observe it. There were little traffic, on a Sunday morning. The street was silent, as if the city was still asleep.

Jisung looked at the only car that passed in the street, before startling when something touched his arm. His nervousness soared, as he quickly turned to discover Minho, standing next to him.

He let out a breath.

"What's wrong with you? Don't scare me like that!"

"Who did you think it was?" Minho laughed. "Were you expecting someone else on a Sunday morning?"

"No. It’s just… it could have been anyone."

Minho hummed, gently nodding his head, as if he understood what the other man meant.

"You see. You do that again." The youngest complained.

"Do what? Nod my head?"

"No! Read my mind."

The eldest looked at him for a moment, blinking his eyes, before bursting out laughter. Jisung pouted, watching Minho pass before him as he left university. He followed suit, accelerating to catch up. Minho was still laughing.

"This is not funny!"

"Yes, it is! I don’t read your mind, you’re just easy to understand."

"That is not true."

Minho turned to him, simply raising an eyebrow.

"So you’re going to tell me that in reality, you weren’t afraid that it was Jooyoung or one of his friends?"

"How do you know that?"

"It’s not hard to understand. Especially with what he’s put you through."

Jisung hummed, turning his attention to his feet as they walked towards the cinema. The silence settled between them, only interrupted by the few noises around.

He wasn’t going to lie, it always hurt him to think about his stupid ex. He doesn’t know what went through his mind to say yes to a guy like that. However, things were getting better. He had somehow made peace with himself. With what had happened.

Jooyoung could always fuck off.

But he was moving on.

"Sorry." Minho quickly said. "I didn’t mean to offend you."

"That’s fine." Jisung reassured him. "I’m above that."

"Are you sure?"

"Not really. But I do my best to be."

"You are right…"

The rest of the journey was silent, while Minho guided him to a small neighborhood cinema. He pushed the door for Jisung, letting the younger one in first.

"It doesn’t look like much, but popcorn is good." Minho said.

"Popcorn on a Sunday morning?"

"We’ll do without for this time." Minho replied, offering him a smile.

For this time.

Did it imply that Minho wanted to go back to the movies with him? Jisung could feel his cheeks warm.

"I hope there won’t be too many people in the room…" The youngest, gently said, wanting to change the subject.

"I don’t think everybody who has won a ticket is going to be travelling on a Sunday morning. I’m sure we’ll be fine."

Jisung hummed gently, observing the hall, while Minho presented himself at the wicket. He exchanged his tickets, for real movie tickets, before heading to the right room. The youngest followed him quietly. They passed through the doors, entering an almost empty room.

Minho stopped at the entrance.

"Where do you want us to go?" He asked.

"I can choose?" Jisung let out, surprised.

"Of course. Why couldn’t you?"

"Uh. For nothing."

Jisung wasn't a big fan of cinema, mainly because of people. He much preferred to enjoy the film on his small screen, in the comfort of his bed. So he didn’t go there much. He had already gone there with some friends, and once with Jooyoung. Changbin and Chan were a bit like him on that side, and unsurprisingly, they never went to the movies together. The boys only went there when it came to dating their significant other.

However, he had never been asked for his opinion on where to place himself, or even the film.

It was weird for him that a guy he barely knew was more considerate than his old friends, or even his stupid ex.

Jisung went towards the center of the room.

"Is the centre okay?" Jisung asked.

"Of course."

The youngest then slipped into the row, heading to the center of the seats to settle down. Minho followed him, simply sitting next to him. Jisung leaned a little on his seat, glancing at the time, on his phone. He still had a few minutes before the movie started. He sincerely hoped that the room would not fill by then.

However, another problem came to his mind as the silence dragged on. Making conversation. Jisung didn’t know how to make conversation, let alone with someone he didn’t know. Generally, he always arranged for people to initiate the topics of conversation in his place, for fear of choosing the wrong one.

He began to work his hands nervously when Minho took out his phone again.

"I went to my parents' house yesterday. I made new pictures of Soonie, Doongie and Dori. Do you want to see them?"

"Oh, yes! Of course." Jisung smiled.

Minho unlocked his phone, opening the folder containing the photos and videos of his cats. The younger one leaned towards him to see better.

Watching photos and videos of Minho’s cats passed the time quite quickly. They were out of their thoughts when the lights began to go out, leaving the room in the dark.

The elder put his phone away, while Jisung settled in the chair a little better. The advertisements began, lighting up the room somewhat.

"Oh, that movie sounds great." Jisung softly said while watching the trailer of a future movie.

"Yeah. It looks cool. Would you come and see it with me?"

Jisung looked at Minho, who was already looking at him.

"Well… Maybe? Ask me again when it gets out, and we’ll see."

Minho just offered him a smile in response, as the film finally began.

•

"Are you sure you can’t stay?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." Felix said. "I have my yoga class in forty minutes. I have to go home first."

Changbin pouted, complaining about yoga classes on Sunday morning, while Felix leaned slightly towards him to place a kiss on his cheek.

"Next time."

Chan was busy doing the dishes, while Hyunjin was leaning against the work plan, right next to him. He was watching the duet say good-bye with a knot in this stomack. He didn’t know if it was because he was suspicious of Changbin or if he was just jealous. He glanced at the boy who washed the bowls next to him. Definitely not jealous. Okay, Changbin and Felix were cute together, and while he didn’t want to be in a relationship again right away, he missed the feeling of comfort that it gave him. Less and less, he had to admit it. Chan’s middle name was literally comfort. Even if they weren’t in a relationship....

Hyunjin watched them hug. The number of times he had to console and calm Felix after their arguments left a bitter taste in his mouth. Could Changbin change? Could their relationship really work?

He was out of his mind when Chan turned to the duet at the door, after being called by the younger one.

"Hm?" The elder hummed.

"Would you be available tomorrow night?" Felix asked.

"Yes, but only from 8 pm. I have training. Why?"

Felix nodded slightly. He and Changbin exchanged a look, before turning to Chan again.

"Would you be okay with the three of us seeing each other? I know it’s going to be late, but I think it’s time to get to the heart of the matter… And between the different clubs, it’s hard to find a schedule…"

"Oh… Sure, no problem." Chan said. "We can go somewhere and eat while talking about it together."

"Cool."

"Thank you, Chan." Changbin replied.

The elder offered them a smile, turning again to the sink to finish the dishes. Hyunjin did the same, wanting to give some privacy to his friends. He approached Chan, laying his head on his shoulder.

"Tired?" Chan whispered. "You just got up."

"Tired of the work I have to do when I go home…"

"What do you have to do?"

"A high level puzzle. The distribution of different members for sports team cheer groups."

"Oh. I hope you got into the swim group."

"I try." Hyunjin sighed. "But to combine the desires of the different members, the schedules of their courses and their clubs, as well as the days of competitions of the different teams... This is a disaster."

Chan placed the last cutlery on the drainer, before grabbing the rag to dry his hands.

"Do you have them with you?"

"Yes. I thought I’d think about it a little bit last night, but between you and this, it was a quick choice."

Chan smiled timidly as his ears gradually turned red.

"I didn’t have anything planned today. We can get started and I’ll give you a hand. With two brains, maybe we can find a solution."

"Is that true? Would you help me?"

"Of course."

Hyunjin smiled as Chan guided him to his room.

•

He could feel the goosebumps climbing on his skin, along his arm, as the characters screamed in terror on the screen. Jisung didn't take his eyes off the film, not wanting to miss a crumb. Although he was a fan of horror films, it kept him on his toes. It may have been a B movie, but the budget had been properly used, making all the effects and monsters realistic as possible.

The youngest suppressed a startle, while a zombie came out of nowhere to attack the heroes. He might even have let out a startled sound, if his throat wasn’t so knotted. Something in his peripheral vision caught his attention. Jisung briefly turned his attention to Minho, who had moved his hand in his direction.

"Are you okay?" The oldest asked.

The young man just nodded positively, before concentrating again on the screen. He was fine. He just didn’t expect the movie to be so good. He wasn’t afraid of zombies anyway. It didn’t exist.

The end of the film came faster than expected, leaving Jisung on his hunger. He said nothing, however, until they left the cinema with Minho.

"The end was a bit disappointing." He let out.

"That’s true. It was too open. Of course they will do a sequel. I mean, if the film works well."

"Yes. Besides, we don’t know what happened to the second group when they split up. So it’s either a very bad scenario, or they’ve already signed for the end."

Minho smiled.

"You seem to know a lot about film."

"Well, I watched a lot." Jisung timidly replied. "And I was in a creative writing club when I was in high school, so let’s say I know the basics of a good script."

"Wha. Music producer and writer. You want to work in movie industry later?"

Jisung shrugged as both turned back towards the campus.

"I don’t really know yet. I have to admit that it would be really great to produce for the cinema. But at the same time, I’d love to produce music for bands or even for myself, you know?"

"Yeah. What’s stopping you from doing both?"

"For the moment, nothing." Jisung laughed. "We’ll see where the wind takes me when I get my master’s degree!"

They reached the university gates quickly. Jisung gradually slowed down, a strange sensation developing in his chest. Was it… disappointment? He glanced at the boy walking beside him. Was he really disappointed that their outing ended so early? He didn’t expect to feel this kind of discomfort.

He slipped his hand carelessly over his chest, swallowing with difficulty. They both started dragging their feet. Jisung didn’t really know how to say goodbye to an acquaintance, especially after laughing about the movie five minutes earlier.

He was about to open his mouth, stammering meaningless words, but Minho spoke before.

"I’ll walk you to your building?" He offered.

The younger one closed his mouth, surprised. He examined the eldest for a moment. He seemed neutral, but Jisung could see how his fists were stuck in the pockets of his jacket, and how he avoided his gaze. He almost thought it was… cute, that Minho was a little shy.

"Yes, if you want." Jisung kindly replied. "This way."

He began to walk in the right direction, while Minho followed suit. It saved him a little time to find out what to say. Too little time. He had to hurry. Did he have to thank him for the invitation to the cinema? Surely. However, he didn't know what else to add so that it wouldn't be embarrassing.

Jisung was always debating what to say, as they were dangerously approaching his building. It was at that moment that someone shouted his name. He raised his head, seeing Felix coming in their direction.

"Oh! Lix! Are you still here?"

"Yes, 'Binnie tried to bribe me, and he ended up making me late. I have to run home or I’ll miss my yoga class."

Jisung frowned slightly. Who the hell organized yoga classes on a Sunday morning.

"How was the movie?"

"Better than I expected." Minho commented.

"Yeah. The ending was a little disappointing. They put a cliffhanger."

"Ah!" Felix laughed. "I wanted to see it, maybe I’ll think twice now."

The young blond man began to walk backwards towards the campus exit.

"I really have to go. It was cool last night 'Sung! We’ll do it again when you want with the guys! See you Tuesday at the club!"

Jisung barely had time to say goodbye that Felix was running away, leaving the other two young men in front of the building. The youngest turned to Minho, who was still watching Felix run towards the gates. He took a breath to try to clear his head.

"Thank you for inviting me. It was nice." He said gently.

"I’m the one who has to thank you for agreeing to come. I wanted to see it, but to go to the cinema alone…"

"Yeah. That’s not very funny."

"Yeah…"

A slight awkward silence hovered before Jisung began to retreat towards the door of his building. He searched his pocket to grab his keys.

"Maybe we can get out again sometime."

"With pleasure." Minho smiled. "We can go for coffee or something."

"Yeah. Totally. A coffee or something is fine." Jisung babbled.

He could feel his ears burning as the embarrassment began to overwhelm him. He had to shut up, and quickly, before he said any more bullshit like that. Minho laughed as Jisung opened the door of the building.

"I’ll see you on Tuesday." The eldest said.

"Yes. See you there !"

"Bye, Jisung."

The older one gave him a last wave, before turning around and heading towards his own building. Jisung waited for a moment, in the opening of the door, watching him leave. He finally woke up, when the young man disappeared behind a building. He entered the hall completely, letting the door close.

God, that was awkward.

He shoved his face in his hands, mentally calling himself a moron. Minho must have thought him an idiot, babbling like that for nothing.

Well, he must have found him strange already, with all that Jooyoung told him…

Jisung breathed, banging his cheeks. Too bad if he thought he was an idiot. It wasn’t like it was important.

He hurried up the stairs to his apartment. To his comfort zone.

•

"What if you put May in the volleyball group?"

"I can’t. Volleyball matches are scheduled for Thursday night. She has her physical therapy appointments on Thursday night, every two week."

Chan sighed as he crossed out his proposal before beginning to write other things on the paper he was holding.

Hyunjin was lying on the elder’s bed, looking up at the ceiling, as he threw a ball into the air. They had been busy trying to make the schedules coincide for two hours. The cheerleader’s brain was about to fry an hour ago, which led him to lie down and let Chan make suggestions.

However, all the ideas of the older man led to nothing. Hyunjin always cited a problem.

"This is a puzzle."

"Isn’t that right?" Hyunjin laughed as he straightened out.

Chan pivoted the chair, to move away from the desk and turn to Hyunjin.

"Can’t coaches do it without you?"

"Yes, but the problem is that they do what they want, without worrying about other people’s imperatives. In the end, nobody is happy and it’s a mess… So, last year, I volunteered to redo the schedules by trying to do the best for everyone. And it fit great! Until…"

"Until you dated the rugby club captain and now you want to avoid him."

"Exactly!"

Hyunjin got up, exasperated, as he began pacing in the room. The other man let out a light laugh, before concentrating again on the papers that littered his office.

"Wait. What if we go back to the basic layout, and you just swap with Yunho, who’s in the swim group?"

"I can’t. Yunho is a carrier. The carrier-flyer balance has to be respected."

"But why? You don’t do aerobatics in swimming competitions. And the aerobatics in rugby competitions are minimal. There’s mostly dance and figures alone, according to what you told me. It would be enough to rebalance the choreography to reorganize jumps with the available flyers."

The youngest looked at him, thinking seriously about the suggestion. By the way, it wasn't stupid, and it was certainly the simplest choice. There was just one other problem, which Hyunjin assumed was essential from the point of view of his coaches. Just thinking about it, it demotivated him even more.

"That’s a good idea, but I’m not sure if the coaches will accept… I’ll still offer it, but…"

"Why?"

Hyunjin sighed, again nervously walking in the room.

"Because the coaches want me to be on the rugby team. They won’t care if I have relationship problems with Woojae."

"Why do they care so much?"

"Because the rugby team is the most popular. That’s where the most spectators are. So the head cheerleader has to be there."

Chan rolled his eyes and the youngest knew immediately that he was offended.

"I’m sorry, Chan, but that’s the truth… There are more spectators at rugby competitions."

"I know." He let out, frustrated. "I know swimming isn't popular. And it’s okay. I’m used to being told. It’s just that... I think it’s stupid to make you be in the popular group just because you’re the leader.

"I know… I’ll try to talk to them about it. We’ll see."

The eldest hummed, before gathering the papers that Hyunjin had given him. The cheerleader pouted looking at his friend. He didn't want to offend him by stating a fact. It was just the truth. He approached cautiously, putting a hand on Chan’s shoulder.

"Chan. I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to offend you."

"Hyunjin, that’s fine. I know that rugby is the sport of the school. I know that this team is more famous than swimming. That’s fine."

"No, it’s not fine. You’re sulking."

The eldest turned to the boy beside him, to observe the adorable pout he displayed. He sighed slightly.

"It’s just that I don’t understand how passionate people are about rugby… All sports require discipline and training. There is not one more deserving than the other. The swimming team also works very hard and-"

"And you deserve just as much recognition. People are just idiots, let them think what they want."

Chan licked his lips nervously.

"You were the same as them before…" The elder whispered.

Hyunjin’s smile fell slightly. He really tried not to let his expression hurt, because he knew Chan was telling the truth, but it still hurt.

"That’s right." sighed Hyunjin. "But-"

"But what? Dare you tell me that you would have spoken to me if I had approached you last year?"

They looked at each other for a moment. Hyunjin could almost feel the rising tension between them. He bit the inside of his lip, the anger slowly starting to boil in him.

"What? You’re implying that just because I’m popular, I’m a snob?" He growled. "How can you-"

"I’m not saying that." Chan cut him off. "I’m just saying that everyone has prejudices about others. Even you. Even me. Whether I was swimming or volleyball, you would have treated me the same way. Whereas if I had been on the rugby team, it would have been different. Just because they’re on the rugby team."

The cheerleader clenched his fists before taking a breath. He let his breath escape, before reaching out and picking up his papers.

"Except I spent the weekend with a swimmer. Not a rugby man."

He hesitated for a moment before adding:

"And for your information, I don’t care if you play rugby, swim or ride a tricycle. That’s not why I like you."

He turned his back on him, leaving the room to reach the common space. He heard Chan’s footsteps follow him. Without glancing at him, he put the papers in his bag. Too bad about the rest of his things, he will get them later. He needed air and most of all, he needed to get away from Chan before he said something he was going to regret.

Or before the elder says the sentence too many.

"Hyunjin-" Chan tried.

"I’ll go home." The youngest cut him off.

"Wait, we have to talk about this."

"No."

Hyunjin finished putting on his shoes, straightening up.

"Not now."

Chan’s face decomposed in front of him. The young man began to wring his hands, looking for what to say.

"I need some space." Hyunjin added. "We’ll discuss about it later. When we’re both calmed down. And we’ll explain then."

"Okay." Chan abdicated. "I’m sorry…"

"Yeah, have a good day."

Hyunjin went out, closing the door behind him. Chan stood in front of the door, looking at the place where his friend had disappeared.

He should not have let his resentment take over. Hyunjin was hurt and it was his fault. However, it was stronger than him. It was always the same thing. It was always the same people who had the attention.

The attention of the people.

The attention of Mia.

The attention of Hyunjin.

Chan passed a hand in his hair, already looking for what he could say to the youngest to explain his behavior. It was going to be complex—

He didn’t even know how to put words into his own thoughts.

BONUS

An illustration I made last week, related to chapter 9 ;) (And a bit in relation to this chapter too...)

Chapter Text

The locker door squeaked when he opened it, as the lock slammed against the metal. Chan continued to rub his towel in his hair as his teammates left for the shower. He nervously grabbed his phone to watch the time, and especially to see if Hyunjin had answered his messages.

The lack of notification on the home screen made him sigh. The spark of hope he had felt had been so simply dashed.

He let the towel slide around his neck and unlocked his phone. Chan opened the conversation with Hyunjin, rereading the messages he had sent throughout the day.

Chris

10:11 AM | Hey. I don’t know if you want to talk to me... but it was just to tell you that I collected the stuff you left behind. If you want to pick it up, Jisung is at the apartment from 4.

Read at 10:15.

12:45 AM | Hey… I just wanted to apologize again for what I said yesterday.

12:46 AM | I wish you would let me apologize properly and be able to explain when you have some time…

Read at 2:01.

2:04 PM | I guess you’re still angry. I’m sorry.

Read at 2:05.

4:58 PM | I have an hour off, if you ever want to see me.

Read at 5:02.

6:03 PM | Well… I guess it was a no.

6:04 PM | I have training for 2h.

6:05 PM | Please answer me. Even if it’s to tell me to fuck off.

Read at 7:20.

Chan sighed before opening the keyboard. His fingers hovered over the letters for a while, before finally closing the application.

He probably needed a little more time.

Resting the phone in his locker, he took his shower gel to head towards the space at the back of the locker room. His teammates had already finished and were turning back. They were all talking to each other and none of them had spoken to him during the training, contrary to usual.

Chan knew it was his fault. He had been quieter than usual and hadn't really approached others. His mind wasn’t even focused on swimming. His thoughts were only occupied by Hyunjin and the pseudo-argument they had the day before. Chan didn’t even know if you could call it an argument…

The young man showered quickly, not wanting to make Felix and Changbin wait too long. For a moment, he had hesitated to cancel. His roommate was aware of his little run-in with their cheerleader friend, and had offered to postpone. Chan liked the proposal, but refused. He had to put his own feelings aside.

Changbin and Felix needed him, and just because he had a fight with Hyunjin doesn’t mean he had to stand them up.

So he had to go and stay focused. Even though the day had been long and exhausting. Even if he wanted to talk to Hyunjin and fix things.

Chan changed clothes and gathered his things, before leaving the gym.

In the worst case, he will see Hyunjin tomorrow at the club. Just ask to speak to him before he leaves. And if he refused, then Chan would really start worrying about finding a solution.

Passing through the university gates, he went to a small coffeeshop-restaurant not too far away. He hoped that there would not be many people. He didn't want to be patient to have a table and to eat. Swimming always gave him an appetite and he currently had his stomach in his heels.

A movement caught his attention when he entered the restaurant. To his great relief, there were few people inside. Felix and Changbin were already settled. Chan settled with them, greeting them.

"Let’s order." Changbin suggested. "I suppose you must be hungry."

"I could eat a whole cow." Chan laughed.

Felix laughed with him, before waving to the waitress. She took their order and brought them drinks, before disappearing.

"How are you?" Changbin asked while taking a sip of his drink.

Chan sighed slowly, while Felix raised an eyebrow, curious. He knew very well what Changbin was asking for.

"I have no news. I sent him a few messages during the day. He read them all, but ignored me."

"Who?" Felix hummed.

"Hyunjin." Changbin replied on behalf of his roommate.

"Hyunjin?" The youngest repeated. "What happened?"

"It’s nothing. We just had a little bump yesterday… I apologized several times, but he wanted some alone time…"

Felix buzzed quietly, understanding the situation a little more.

"Don’t worry. Hyunjin isn't the most resentful of us. He'll come back to you when his mind has calmed down."

"I hope so." Chan whispered.

"There’s no doubt about it. Don’t worry."

Their dishes were served quickly. Chan didn't need coaxing and straightaway started to eat, bringing others with him. They began to eat in silence, until Chan attacked the subject that had brought them together in the first place.

"So. The communication problems."

The duo raised their heads from their plates. Chan could see Felix’s apprehensive gaze, fixed on him, waiting to finally solve their problems.

"What you need to understand," the elder said, "is that communication is an exchange. In this case, between two people. You can’t communicate alone. Communication involves being understood by the other, and that’s usually where the problem is. It’s not necessarily that you can’t communicate, it’s that you can’t decipher the codes that allow you to understand each other. This is what leads to arguments and misunderstandings."

"Well… We’ve tried to talk and understand each other before, especially at the beginning of the arguments." Felix said. "I’m trying to understand his perspective on the problem, but-"

"But the situation always gets too bad." Changbin added.

Chan hummed.

"Most communication problems come out in arguments, as this is the time when you take the least amount of time to think about what you’re going to say. When you are arguing, the emotions and feelings that you feel make filtering lower. That’s normal. You rush to answer.

The first thing you have to do is accept the fact that even if you solve communications problems, there will always be possible disagreements."

"Are we still going to argue?" Felix asked, disappointed.

"It’s normal in a couple to argue." Chan said. "It’s even healthy. I’d worry more if you never argued. That would mean you don’t even communicate."

Felix glanced at Changbin. The sportsman had his arms crossed over his chest, thinking on the words of his roommate.

"The whole point is to make sure that the understanding of the signs is unblocked, so that it doesn’t escalate. In the case of a disagreement, the main thing for you will be to take into account your own point of view, but also the one of your partner. And with these two points of view, you must try to find a compromise that can please everyone."

They nodded.

"Good." Chan smiled. "There are two types of communication. The first is verbal communication, like the one we’re using right now. It can go through many things: the choice of words, their meanings, the tone we use. The problem is that this language varies depending on who you are. It depends on how you were raised, what you went through in your life… Hmm… It’s like if Changbin says "I want to buy dough." Then Felix understand you wanted to buy a doe."

"I guess." Changbin hummed, confused.

However, Felix’s gaze became a little clear.

"Yes, yes, I understand the example! More rudely, it’s like I’m speaking English to Changbin, when he doesn’t know the language, right?"

"Yes, that’s right!" Chan approved. "It’s as if you were speaking two different languages. The same words and tones exist in both languages, but they can mean other things. The whole point is to learn to understand the other language."

"It sounds... complicated." Changbin said.

Chan shrugged, finishing his dish.

"It is, especially when the person in front of you is a stranger. But you’ve known each other for a year and… intimately. You subconsciously know each other’s language. All you have to do now is consciously make sense of it. If, for example, Felix uses a half-angry, half-pouty tone, you have to ask yourself "is he really angry" or "is he pretending to play". They’re just variants like that.

My advice to you is simply to ask. When you have a doubt about the meaning of something, ask the question. It sounds simple and silly, but with it, you’ll have the least chance of making a mistake and therefore making the problem worse."

He drank a sip of his drink, watching them absorb the information he gave them. Chan knew that this was a lot, and point-blank, it seemed as complex as learning a second language, but that wasn't true. It was mostly simple, since everyone had the same bases. Most people had the same signals to communicate and they differed only in some aspects from each other. It was on these points that they had to be careful.

Once Changbin and Felix have managed a few crises, they’ll be more confident in deciphering each other.

"What if it gets worse and we can’t deal with it?" Felix asked. "I’m tired of everything exploding every time. I don’t want us to fall back into the same pattern."

"If this gets worse, set up a time-out."

"Like… A separation?" Changbin asked, surprised.

"No. You must not leave the dispute in abeyance to finish it another day. It makes no sense. Just, take a break from the dispute. Take deep breaths, take the time to put your thoughts in order, and start again on a more emotionally neutral basis."

Felix nodded.

"I think we’ll try to do that. Why not put in place a gesture or a code name to take a break." The blond suggested.

"Yes, we can at least try." Changbin concluded.

Chan smiled.

"Good. As I said earlier, there is a second way to communicate. It’s non-verbal communication. This is what corresponds to the body’s unconscious gestures, postures or reflexes. At a glance, you can see a lot of things through someone’s posture.

"Is that true?" Felix was surprised.

"Of course."

The elder looked up at the room, looking for a suitable target. He looked at a group of three girls sitting at a table further away. Chan leaned forward.

"You see those three girls there ?" He whispered.

The other two hummed positively.

"The three are talking together. However, if you pay attention to their postures, the two brunettes are turned towards each other, while the blonde is turned towards no one in particular."

"What does that mean?" Felix asked, curious.

"In this case, no matter how much they talk to the three of them, the blonde is more or less excluded from the conversation. In reality, the two brunettes aren't really interested in what the girl is saying and are focused on each other. It may be a sign that they don’t like her, or other things. But it is primarily a sign of exclusion."

"I see." Changbin whispered. "So what?"

Chan straightened out.

"And so, every human being unconsciously communicates in this way."

"Everyone?"

"Everyone." Chan repeated. "For example, Felix is slightly turned towards you, which shows that he likes you. You have your arms crossed over your chest, which shows that you are closed to the idea."

"I am not." He began, uncrossing his arms.

"It’s not conscious, 'Bin. Besides, it’s not necessarily accurate either. People cross their arms for many reasons: reassuring themselves, warming up, creating a barrier with others…"

Changbin clumsily placed his arms on the table, not knowing what to do with his limbs. Chan laughed.

"It’s okay, it’s natural, don’t worry. I’m talking about something you don’t know."

"So... what does this have to do with our relationship?" Felix asked.

"It’s the same as verbal communication. You have to learn to decipher it consciously. Subconsciously, if you face a person with their arms crossed and a person with their arms open towards you, you will choose the second. It’s psychological. The second person is open to you while the first person is putting up a wall. The goal is to try to understand both your verbal and non-verbal language. When you have a good understanding and you can find compromises in disagreements.... Then you’ve solved the problem."

"That’s a lot to remember." Felix whispered.

"I know." Chan reassured him. "I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. You’re going to have a few fights before you get there, but it’s the right way. The most important thing is to never stop talking. Dialogue must remain open to make this possible."

The pair agreed. Changbin was about to open his mouth again, but they were interrupted by the waitress.

"Are you finished?" She asked timidly.

The group nodded, as she began to collect their plates.

"I hope you enjoyed the meal."

"That was very good." Chan replied, smiling.

"D-Do you want to have desserts?" She asked, blushing."

The eldest took a look at his friends, who nodded. They ordered their desserts and the waitress went into the kitchen.

"I wanted to ask you." Changbin began.

"Yes?"

"This gesture analysis thing… You do it all the time?"

"All the time? What do you mean?"

"Well, do you analyze any of our movements?"

Chan pouted, a little uncomfortable. He looked for his words for a moment.

"Let's say that I sometimes do it unconsciously… For example, if I run into someone who looks physically uncomfortable, I’m going to find out. But I don’t have fun analyzing every person I meet voluntarily, unless I’m very seriously bored."

"What about us?"

"It happens sometimes." Chan said. "Especially in club sessions. I’m mostly looking for signs of nervousness, to see if it makes you uncomfortable or not."

"I don’t really like it." Changbin replied.

"Sorry… I’ll try not to do too much then."

"I think it’s cool." Felix laughed. "It’s like a superpower."

"If you say so." Chan smiled.

The waitress interrupted them as she brought them the desserts. She also placed their note on the table, as well as a small folded paper in front of Chan. Surprised, the elder looked up. Their eyes met briefly, but the waitress left hastily, disappearing into the kitchens.

Felix whistled gently as Chan took the paper, curious. He opened it. It revealed a phone number and Eri’s name, which Chan assumed was the waitress’s name.

"Oh, you got a hit." Changbin laughed.

"Yeah." Chan sighed, less enthusiastic.

He folded the paper, placing it next to the plate. He then grabbed his spoon, attacking his slice of apple pie.

"You’re not going to take the number?" Felix asked.

"No. Why would I?"

"Because it’s been months since you went out with anyone other than our little group of friends. It would be nice if you… meet some people." Changbin suggested.

"I don’t want to…"

"Yet she looks cute." Felix let escape while he leaned over to try to see her again.

"Is it because of Mia?" Changbin asked.

Chan sighed gently, crushing the apples with his spoon. Was it because of Mia? He wasn’t sure. For him, that was not the case. As much as he still thought about her when he felt bad, he no longer had feelings other than guilt. It wasn’t what held him back.

However, what was it if it wasn’t Mia?

His mind immediately wandered towards a pretty brunette, with a ponytail and bright eyes. He bit his lip before taking another bite of his pie.

Changbin always looked at him with scrutineer’s gaze, waiting for an answer.

"No. It’s not because of Mia. It’s just... I don’t know."

"It costs nothing to take the number. Maybe she just wants to be friends."

"By giving me his number like that? I would be very surprised."

"At the risk of repeating myself, it costs nothing."

Chan hummed. Maybe Changbin was right. Maybe it would be good for him to build new relationships. He didn’t necessarily want something romantic at the moment, but maybe talking to other people was a good way to get that desire back.

Without saying anything more, he took the paper and pocketed it. His roommate smiled, seemingly satisfied. However, Felix, sitting next to him, drew a small pout, which quickly disappeared.

They finished their meals by talking about their day, before paying at the counter. Chan saw the waitress from the corner of his eye, as she walked to their table to clean up. She was pretty. Chan was still hesitant about really contacting her. The paper was like a metaphorical weight in his pocket, which burned the fabric to attack the skin of his thigh.

The waitress turned to him and their eyes met. Chan swallowed, smiling awkwardly as the waitress waved timidly.

The voices of his friends calling him from the entrance took him out of his thoughts. The eldest took one last look at the girl, before joining his friends outside.

Changbin smiled at him before Felix caught his attention.

They began to bicker gently. Chan walked away a few steps, leaving them some privacy so that they could say good night, since he knew that Felix wasn't going to go back with them.

He took out his phone. To his astonishment, it wasn't so late. Barely 9:40 PM. His eyes fell on the notifications that had flooded his phone during their meal. His eyes met a familiar name, as his heart began to beat a little faster.

Suddenly much more nervous, Chan unlocked his phone. He opened the messaging app.

Chris

6:03 PM | Well… I guess it was a no.

6:04 PM | I have training for 2h.

6:05 PM | Please answer me. Even if it’s to tell me to fuck off.

Read at 7:20.

Hyunnie ✨

9:10 PM | I know you had to see Changbin and Felix after training…

9:11 PM | And I don’t know when you’re going to finish your little meeting, but... do you want to come over?

9:16 PM | Well. If you’re not tired. Otherwise it’s okay…

9:28 PM | I’m sorry I left you on read all day. I needed time to think. __φ(．．)

9:35 PM | Don’t force yourself if you are tired. But if you want to come over, answer me at any time…

Chan let out the breath he was holding, before taking another breath. He took advantage of the air filling his lungs as he reread the messages. Relief invaded him. The eldest was about to type a response when Changbin tapped his shoulder.

"We go home?"

"Uh… Go home without me." Chan said, starting to walk away.

"Where are you going?"

"Hyunjin- Uh- Hyunjin’s. Well- Hyunjin wants to see me."

"Oh… Okay. Be careful on the road!"

Changbin didn't have time to add anything else, that Chan was taking a turn to join the main street. He took advantage of the fact that the street was empty to type his message.

Chris

9:45 PM | It’s okay. I totally understand!

9:46 PM | I’m on my way. I walk, so I’ll take a little time.

9:46 PM | I’ll meet you at your home?

Hyunnie ✨

9:48 PM | The small park next door. I am in the children’s playground.

Chris

9:49 PM | Okay. I’ll be there in 10 minutes.

9:50 PM | Wait for me.

Chan didn't wait for an answer, as he locked his phone and put it in his pocket. He began to run towards the park which the brunette had indicated to him. His lungs were burning and his muscles, already exhausted from swimming, were screaming for him to stop running. However, he had no choice. He wanted to see Hyunjin. He was desperate to see Hyunjin. He wanted to make sure they were okay, or at least they could be okay after they explained themselves.

He hated to leave disputes hanging. It always ended up eating away at him all day long, and this time it was no exception. He quickly reached the park in question, having already hung out there once or twice, when he had spent evenings at Hyunjin.

It was from the entrance of the park that he allowed himself to slow down. His body was exhausted and his lungs seemed to be not functioning properly between running and the anxiety that was beginning to run under his skin.

He walked along the path, towards the children’s playground. There he saw his friend sitting on the swings. Forcing his body for a few more strides, he quickly rejoined the youngest, who had raised his head when he heard him arrive.

"Swings? Isn’t that a bit cliché?" Chan let out, out of breath.

"It’s comfortable. Why are you breathing like an ox? Did you run?"

"Yeah." Chan simply replied, sitting on the swing next to him.

Hyunjin blew a laugh.

"You know, I could have waited another ten minutes."

"I’ve been waiting for you all day. I couldn’t take it anymore." Chan confessed.

"I’m sorry… I needed time-"

"No, don’t apologize. I understand. I should apologize for my behavior, and for what I told you. I know it hurt you… So I apologize."

The younger one started looking at his feet again, as he swung gently. He was nervous.

"That’s okay. I know you didn’t want to hurt me personally. You were just talking about generality… Besides, don't we say that truth hurts? You weren't wrong when you said that I would probably have ignored you before…"

Chan bit his lip.

"I’m not an asshole." Hyunjin replied. "It’s just that…"

"It’s just that when you’re caught in a group effect, it’s hard to get out."

Hyunjin nodded.

"I don’t want you to think I’m an asshole." He whispered.

"Hyunjin, you’re not an asshole. You’re a good person, don’t worry about that."

Chan slowly began to swing.

"Nevertheless, I shouldn’t have said what I said." sighed Chan. I have a problem with the rugby team in general."

"Oh yes?"

"Hm… Mia cheated on me with almost the whole team." The elder laughed. "So I’m always a little salty towards them."

The brunette opened his mouth, surprised. He again turned his attention to his friend, placing his hand on his own, who was tightening the chain of the swing.

"I am sorry to hear that…"

"That’s okay. It’s just… It’s hard to admit, but since Mia did everything she did, I’ve had problems with trust and attachment."

"And that’s normal, considering what she did." Hyunjin tried to reassure him.

"Yes. And it just affects not only my relationships with others, but my life in general."

The elder sighed softly, seeking his words.

"People pay so much attention to the rugby team. Mia paid so much attention to them. You… You pay or paid attention to them. And I hold a gruge against them. So all this talk about them being more reputable than the swim team, even if that’s the truth, made me feel bad. I’m sorry I reacted like that. It was just stronger than me.

"That’s okay. I understand... Chan, look at me."

His feet dragged on the ground, stabilizing the swing to stop the light swing he had set up. The blond swallowed gently, before shyly raising his gaze towards Hyunjin, sitting next to him. Their eyes met.

"Never think you’re not important." Hyunjin said sincerely. "For me, you are far more important than all the members of this team put together."

He could feel his cheeks starting to burn as he faced Hyunjin’s heartfelt look. Suddenly, the piece of paper lying in his pocket became much heavier than originally. The burning of the numbers on his thigh became stronger as Chan swallowed, thinking back to what happened earlier at the restaurant, and more importantly, to the person he had thought of when he got that number.

"T-Thank you." Chan babbled. "I- It means a lot to me."

Hyunjin offered him a smile before removing his hand.

"Is that… Are we okay? The two of us, I mean." Hyunjin asked.

"Yeah, it’s okay." Chan replied in a tense breath. "I have to go home."

The brunette watched him get up from the swing.

"Oh. Hm... I wanted to ask you to stay home for tonight." The cheerleader gently said, disappointed.

"Sorry. I can’t. I- I have to go home."

"Okay."

"Good night."

Hyunjin straightened up quickly, grabbing Chan’s hand before he ran away.

"Chan. Are you sure we’re okay? If there’s anything else-"

"No. I promise We're fine. It’s just… I just remembered something. I really have to go home."

The eldest avoided meeting his gaze, so Hyunjin simply let go of his hand.

"All right." He said, disappointed. "Good night."

"Good night, Hyunjin. See you tomorrow at the club."

The brunette watched his friend walk away from him, until he disappeared into the street. He let himself fall back on the swing. He had initially asked Chan to come so that they could talk and solve the problem, but it seemed that this would only have made the wall grow between them.

Uncomfortable, the young man began to swing.

He was just hoping it would be temporary. Maybe Chan actually had something waiting for him at home. Or somebody…

Hyunjin’s heart squeezed a little more into his chest as he closed his eyes. It was so much shit, the feelings…

•

Chan rushed into the street. Outwardly, he tried to remain calm while deep down, it was an emotional storm that ravaged him.

Hyunjin couldn’t say things like that. It wasn’t possible. He couldn’t. It hurt the elder’s heart too much.

He wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him. He couldn’t. He wasn’t allowed to. It was at the top of his Not to do list.

Forget the part don't have a crush on his list of things not to do. Chan was just in denial and he knew deep down that his attachment was not only friendly. But God, what a mistake. It wasn’t something that was viable…

His breathing accelerated as he entered the apartment. Fortunately for him, no one was in the common space, allowing him to reach his room without incident.

He collapsed on his bed, curled up on the duvet as he tried to resume normal breathing.

Hyunjin didn’t deserve someone broken like him. He deserved so much more.

His fingers slipped into his pocket, grabbing the piece of paper to carry to his eyes. The ink numbers burned his eyes, making him feel even worse. Even more guilty. Guilty of what? He didn’t know exactly.

Chan wrinkled the paper, letting it fall to the ground, before putting his arm around him, in an attempt to comfort himself.

He glanced at the stars on his ceiling. They didn't even shine and even seemed to taunt him. He closed his eyes, trying to avoid them even though they were no longer comforting.

He was in so much trouble.

•

"Good. That’s it for today’s session. Thank you to everyone who spoke today."

Hyunjin watched Chan close their fifth session, with his stomach in knots. They hadn't done much today. They mostly talked about their lives and their relationship with each other, whether it was friendly or romantic.

The cheerleader was crushing his hands under the table, worried. Their conversation last night, on the swings, was still spinning in his head. He had tried to send messages to Chan during the day, but the answers he had received seemed so… out of character. It was as if, in the space of two days, Chan had mounted an impassable wall between them. A wall around the elder, to protect him.

But protect him from what? Hyunjin wasn’t sure.

The brunette watched everyone leave the room little by little. He watched Felix join Changbin with a smile, before clinging to his arm. He saw how Jisung was looking at Minho, while the older one was smiling at him. He watched Jeongin waiting at the entrance, while Seungmin joined him.

He stayed in his chair while everyone was going out.

Chan was packing his bag, when he finally decided to get up and get close to him.

"Hey, Chan…"

"Oh, Hyunjin. You’re still here."

"Yeah. Hm. I was wondering ... Would you like to have a coffee with me or something?"

"Sorry, I can’t." Chan quickly apologized, avoiding his gaze. "I have... something planned."

It was as if an anvil had fallen into Hyunjin’s stomach, while he was swallowing with difficulty.

"Oh. Okay. Next time then."

He watched Chan back towards the exit.

"Yeah, next time. See you later."

The brunette looked at him as he leaned against the table, disappointed. How could it all go down so quickly...?

He carelessly rubbed his face, confused and lost as to what was going on and what he had to do to fix things. He really cared about Chan. He loved Chan more than amicably. That was his conclusion last night. Sad conclusion, given the fact that Chan was now avoiding him.

Had Hyunjin been too transparent? Chan may have been afraid. A knot formed in his throat at the thought that everything was his fault.

He stood up, retrieving his bag. He was getting ready to finally get out of the room, when something caught his attention on the floor. He frowned looking at the little black notebook resting on the dirty tiles. Hyunjin bent down to pick it up, realizing that it was Chan’s notebook.

He quickly opened the door, hoping that the elder was still in the hallway. Unfortunately, it was deserted. His friend had already disappeared. Hyunjin gave up on him. All he had to do was make a detour and take it straight to Chan's dorms tonight.

Hyunjin remained for a moment in the door frame, glancing at the cover of the notebook. He had never seen what Chan wrote in it. All he knew was that it was about the club. Logically, there should be information about what Chan thinks of him, shouldn’t there...?

He entered again, closing the door behind him. He leaned against the table, turning the notebook in his hands. The temptation was strong. He was dying to know what the elder had written about him. However, was this not entering Chan’s private life, as well as that of others? He hesitated. In other words, if he only looked at his page, that was not the case, right? Because the information concerned him directly.

He took a deep breath before deciding to open the notebook on a random page. He just won’t tell Chan that he opened it.

His eyes quickly browsed the page, looking for his name. However, it was Chan’s name who was at the top of the page.

Hyunjin frowned. Chan had a special page for him? How strange was it... He didn’t want to search any more. The eldest had probably marked personal things in it. He was about to turn the page, wanting to look for his own, when his eyes caught words that made him stop.

His blood froze as he aborted the movement to move on. His gaze slipped again on Chan’s page, as every word he read made him tremble. His grip tightened on the notebook. His breathing accelerated, forcing his burning lungs to function. His eyes opened in fear.

Recurrent sadness

Usual anxiety and anxiety increased

Irritability

Nightmares

Insomnia

Fatigue

Occasional lack of appetite

Dark thoughts

Lack of concentration

Guilt

Suicidal thoughts

Depression

Hyunjin quickly closed the notebook, no longer able to read beyond this word. His throat was knotted and his hands were shaking, while his fingers were pressed into the cover of the notebook. His gaze had not left it. The words still written in front of his eyes, while the notebook was closed.

What was he going to do...?

Chapter Text

Jeongin was nervously going around in circle in his little apartment. He glanced frantically at the door, which was locked, and then at the bay window that gave to his small balcony. The thick curtains were drawn, allowing only a small amount of light to pass through. The room was almost completely in the dark, despite the radiant morning.

He fiddled his hands. He had to keep busy before continuing to dig a trench. He glanced at the worn floor. It wasn't visible to the human eye, especially with the darkness, but Jeongin knew it was metaphorically there. The wear of his steps. He always did the same pattern when he was nervous.

And he was always nervous.

It killed him to keep that habit, but he couldn’t get away from it.

The young man went into the kitchen, looking for something to do. His eyes immediately found a dirty bowl in the sink, while his brain told him to hurry up and clean it.

He did so, cleaning it up in a jiffy, before finding himself again in search of something to do.

His gaze fell on his only indoor plant, which lay in a pot, close to the bay window. Jeongin didn’t really know what kind of plant it was. He had bought it one day on a whim as he walked past the store, as the leaves were holed. It reminded him of who he was.

He approached the poor plant, observing how bad it looked. The leaves no longer had these pretty green colors and they pointed downwards, as if it were making head. Nervously, he went to get a glass of water to water it. Perhaps it was thirsty?

He poured water into the dirt, observing the plant a little longer.

"I’m sorry, Jo'... even you, I can’t keep you alive."

He quickly stroked one of the leaves between his fingers.

What did he think of when he bought this poor plant? He already couldn’t take care of himself properly…

The ringing of his phone startled him. His heart suddenly began to beat furiously. Jeongin approached the phone, seeing Seungmin’s name displayed on the incoming call. Breathing deeply, he took the aircraft with a trembling hand. His nervousness reached its peak when he stalled.

"Hello?" He babbled.

"Jeongin? I’m at the foot of your building. I’ll wait for you."

"I- Okay. I-"

"Take your time, okay? I can wait five minutes if you need it."

"O-Okay. I’m coming…"

Seungmin hung up and the youngest let out a long breath. He went to put the glass in the kitchen before observing his apartment.

The photographer had finally developed the photos he had told him about last week. Naturally, he had proposed to Jeongin to see in preview the small exhibition he had made for his teacher. That made the student nervous all morning.

With his shoes on, he grabbed his coat, his schoolbag, and his keys. He approached the door before grabbing the handle. His hands were shaking so much.

For a moment, the thought of returning a message to cancel crossed his mind, but he shook his head to get it out. He wanted to… He wanted to see the photos. Moreover, Seungmin had been only kind and understanding with him. He didn’t deserve to stand him up at the last minute just because he was freaking out.

His hand was still locked on the door handle. Taking a deep breath for courage, he unlocked the door and went out.

"See you tonight, Jo'. I won’t be late."

He locked behind him and put on his coat and bag. Looking at his phone, he noticed that it was only 11:32. Seungmin was right on time. Jeongin hoped they would have time to see the photos and eat, before he had to escape to attend his afternoon classes.

He gently went down the stairs and exited the building, easily finding the young man, who was just waiting for him at the entrance. Seungmin offered him a smile while Jeongin greeted him timidly.

As a matter of fact, the photographer was in class this morning, when he proposed to Jeongin to see the exhibition. He had wanted to make the way to the building where he lived, to come and pick up the youngest, and redo the journey with him. Jeongin had tried to dissuade him. He could take the bus alone. But Seungmin said he was happy about it, so he let him.

They went to the bus stop, while Jeongin was looking at the timetable on his phone.

"He’s coming in five minutes." The youngest said.

"That’s fine." Seungmin smiled. "The wait will be short."

The other nodded in response, putting his hands in his pockets. He glanced at Seungmin, standing a meter from him, as he was looking at the transport plan that was posted at the stop.

"How was your morning?" Jeongin timidly asked.

The older one turned to him, seeming a little surprised by the question. After all, Jeongin never made the conversation before. However, after what happened last week, he decided to make an effort.

"Pretty good." Seungmin replied. "The photo development went well. I hope I get a good grade."

"Did you have to do the scenography with it?"

"Yes, that’s part of the note. How do you know that word? I thought you didn’t know art."

Jeongin shrugged his shoulders, looking away.

"We also use it in fashion. We also have to participate in the scenography for the shows."

"Oh. It still seems more complex to do the scenography of a parade than that of a simple exhibition."

"I couldn’t tell you. I’ve never organized an exhibition."

Seungmin gently laughed.

"What about you? Your morning?"

"It was… I got a little ahead of myself, but mostly I just hung out. I didn’t feel…very good."

"Oh, is it because of the invitation I made? You could say no, if you didn’t feel like coming. I wouldn’t have blamed you."

"No, I--Hm, it made me a little nervous, but I was already anxious."

"Ah? Do you want to talk about it?"

Jeongin began to crush his hands.

"Our project teacher said we’re going to tackle our first big project of the year. I’m a little apprehensive… She’s supposed to announce the theme tonight."

"Oh. What kind of big project?"

"I don’t know anything yet, that’s why I’m anxious. What if I’m not at the level...?"

"Jeongin, it’s only been two months since the classes started and you’re in your first year. If you’re not at the level, it’s not a big deal. The important thing is to do your best and learn from your mistakes. You don’t have to worry…"

The youngest nodded. Seungmin wasn't wrong. If he did his best, there should be no problem. After all, he knew the basics now.

"Will you tell me about it when you know more about the project? I’m curious."

"If you want…"

"Ah, the bus is coming!"

Jeongin raised his head, seeing that their means of transport was indeed parked beside them. They both took the bus, which was more or less empty at this hour, to the great relief of the youngest.

The journey passed quickly. When he arrived at the university, Seungmin guided Jeongin to the small hall that had been assigned to him.

"Wait, I have to turn on the lights. You might as well enjoy the scenography too."

Jeongin nodded, agreeing to wait in the hallway. He raised his head from his shoes, hearing the door creak again.

"That’s good. Come inside." Seungmin told him.

He opened the door a little more, letting Jeongin in. The eyes of the younger rested on the small room, making it stop in the frame of the door. Seungmin observed him, noting how suddenly Jeongin’s face was sweating with nervousness. 

"Is there a problem?"

"The room is very… cramped."

"Oh… Yes. Sorry, I didn’t have the choice of the room. Is it okay if I leave the door open?"

Jeongin thought for a moment, finally agreeing to move into the room, while Seungmin left the door wide open. He advanced slowly to look at the photos. His friend followed him, but kept his distance.

The photos were all in black and white, showing different things that could be found in the city. They were all framed and hung on the wall. Soft lights lit up different places and dark drapes stood out on the walls, highlighting the photos.

The youngest first looked at all the photos, before taking more time to look at them one by one. Each print was extremely pretty, despite the fact that the subject photographed had little interest. Seungmin clearly knew what he was doing.

However, the young man wasn't feeling well looking at the photos. He didn't know exactly why. They all made him feel a special feeling, on which he couldn't put a word. Jeongin went from photo to photo, the feeling crushing his chest as he advanced.

He finally stopped in front of the last photo. Seungmin, who had been silent all the time, moved a little towards him.

"So? What do you think?"

"The photos are very beautiful… I can’t believe that with all the technology we have now, you can make such beautiful photos with an analog camera and without doing any retouching…"

"Thank you." Seungmin smiled. "It takes a bit of training, but it’s also a bit of a coincidence. I think the beauty of it is that you don’t discover the result until you’ve developed the photo. That’s the surprise."

Jeongin hummed.

"The scenography is good too. It highlights your work. I’m sure your teacher will be happy."

"I hope so."

"Did you have a particular theme for the exhibition?"

"No, we were free. Why?"

"Every photo… makes me feel the same way."

"Well… You need a certain unity in an exhibition."

The youngest nodded, doubtful. He stood in the centre of the room, again looking at all the photos.

"How do you feel?" Seungmin asked, curious.

"They make me uncomfortable… While the photos are so beautiful. It’s paradoxical.”

Seungmin hummed in response.

"They make me feel lonely ... a surrender." Jeongin gently admitted.

The youngest turned to his friend. Seungmin had not moved, his arms crossed against his chest.

"Was that the feeling you wanted the spectator to feel?"

The photographer’s face seemed offended for a moment, before becoming neutral again. But Jeongin still caught the glimmer of bitterness in Seungmin’s eyes.

"No. Not especially. I didn’t have a particular idea when I was doing the photos. I just chose them because I thought they would work well together, from an aesthetic point of view."

"This is the case…"

"I’m sorry I made you feel this, that wasn’t the point." Seungmin apologized as he walked to the door."

Jeongin followed, leaving the room. He let his friend turn off the lights and lock the room.

"It’s okay. It was... instructive." Jeongin whistled.

Seungmin met his gaze. They stared at each other for a moment, before the photographer looked away again.

"Shall we eat?" He offered.

"Okay." Jeongin said, observing him. "Let’s go and eat."

He watched Seungmin start heading towards the cafeteria and he followed suit. The vision of the lonely photos still printed in his memory.

•

Hyunjin was going around in circle in his room, biting his nails. His eyes found frantically the little black notebook, which had been sitting prominently on his desk since the day before. He glanced at it as if it were the source of all his problems, which it was somehow. He continued to walk frantically.

He came home last night, carrying the notebook with him. Carrying in his bag what had become a dirty secret.

He then put it on his desk and forgot about it for the night. Then for his school day. However, the notebook had now been in his possession for 24 hours, and unfortunately the problem hadn't been solved by itself.

He had to return the notebook to Chan. It was mandatory. The eldest had probably already realized that he had lost him and he was probably panicking at the idea of having lost in the campus, a notebook gathering sensitive information about eight students.

He had many choices, none of which he liked.

His first option was to find an anonymous way to return the notebook to Chan. In this way, Chan wouldn't know that he had the notebook in his hands. No risks that he asks questions. However, the guilt will probably eat away at Hyunjin, as it is already doing. Besides, it’s not like he can just forget what he read in that notebook on Chan’s page.

He already knew some of the symptoms listed, such as sadness, anxiety or insomnia, because his friend had already told him about it. But suicidal thoughts and depression were on a whole new level. A dangerous level. A level that could have far more impact than just anxiety.

To say that Hyunjin was worried was an understatement. He was literally biting his fingernails to find out what was going on in Chan’s head and whether he was okay.

If he returned the notebook anonymously, he would have no opportunity to speak directly to Chan. He would remain silent while he knew. It was literally not helping someone in danger. It was out of the question.

His second option was to hand Chan the notebook back. It was the simplest option, but also the one that worried him the most. Chan was bound to question him to see if he had opened the notebook and he would have to tell him the truth. If he was lying, he wouldn’t be able to address what was in that fucking notebook.

He was going to have to tell the truth and Chan was really not going to be happy. Not happy at all. Very angry even, in Hyunjin’s opinion. And if Chan got mad, he wouldn’t listen to Hyunjin. Especially since they weren’t on the best terms for a few days... Although he doesn’t know why.

The young man sighed, passing a restless hand in his hair.

He grabbed his phone and opened the conversation he had with Chan. The last messages they sent were from yesterday at noon, a few hours before the club meeting. There had been nothing new since and it tied Hyunjin’s throat.

It had been a long time since they had spent more than a day without sending each other a message.

Hyunjin opened the keyboard to send a message.

Drama Lama 🍀

6:50 PM | Hey! ( ˙꒳ ˙ )

6:51 PM | Do you want to see me tonight? If you’re not busy! Watch a movie or just hang out a bit...?

Mister Bang 🌊💙

6:53 PM | Sorry, not tonight. It’s been a long day and I still have some work to do.

Drama Lama 🍀

6:54 PM | Oh… Ok (。•́︿•̀。)

6:54 PM | Tomorrow then?

6:54 PM | I have cheer training all afternoon, but I can find an excuse to leave early…

Mister Bang 🌊💙

6:56 PM | You shouldn’t. It’s important that you attend training.

6:57 PM | I’m busy anyway, I can't.

Hyunjin sighed, biting his lip. Why did he feel he was trying to avoid him? It sounded like an apology… His heart clenched in his chest at the thought. What could he have said or done Monday night for Chan to behave in this way.

Drama Lama 🍀

6:58 PM | Okay, so when are you free?! o(>< )o

6:58 PM | I have to see you and talk to you about something.

6:59 PM | This is important Chan.

The young man looked for a moment at the suspension points jumping down the discussion window, proof that Chan was typing. Either he wrote him a novel, or he didn’t know what to say... In any case, Hyunjin felt it badly. He was startled with apprehension when the message finally appeared.

Mister Bang 🌊💙

7:05 PM | All right. I have some time Friday morning, if you are available?

7:06 PM | I start at 10, so before.

Drama Lama 🍀

7:07 PM | Yes! 9:30 at the picnic tables near the north entrance. ヽ(>∀<☆)ノ

Mister Bang 🌊💙

7:08 PM | OK. See you Friday.

Hyunjin pouted, observing the messages that sounded almost indifferent. Even the smiley faces had failed to relax the conversation. Their harmless jokes seemed so far away now.

The cheerleader raised his head, again observing the black notebook on the desk. He hoped it would all be resolved in two days…

•

Chan rested his phone against his thigh before rubbing his eyes with one hand.

"Are you okay? Who was it?" Jisung asked on his right.

They were both sitting on their couch, watching the youngest play the latest fashionable game. Chan’s leg was moving nervously, sliding his phone across the couch.

"Yeah." He breathed. "Just Hyunjin."

"Oh."

Jisung focused again on the game, feeling that the subject was a bit tense. He was starting to know Chan like the back of his hand now. And the tension was well and truly present.

The older one sighed slowly before looking at his phone. Guilt was already making its way into his brain by thinking about the messages he had sent to the youngest.

He knew that the youngest was disappointed, even sad, that he put distance between them. But he needed it.

Chan needed time to take stock of what was going on in his heart and in his head.

He and Jisung remained for another hour playing in their living room, until Changbin returned to the apartment, having finally finished his day.

The youngest turned off the game when he realized that Chan’s attention had turned to their other roommate. They had started talking about something for the production club. So Jisung turned off the TV, before stretching.

"I’m going to my room."

His elders hummed in gratitude, before resuming their conversation, letting Jisung walk away. He entered his room and closed behind him. He leaned down on his bed and took his phone out of his pocket to open his conversation with Felix.

Brownies Boy ☀️

5:08 PM | No, but I swear! He twerked like my grandmother! 😂

Squirrel Power 🌰

5:10 PM | It must have been super funny to see!

8:13 PM | Lix, are you busy?

Brownies Boy ☀️

8:14 PM | Never for you baby. 😏

8:15 PM | What can I do for you?

Squirrel Power 🌰

8:16 PM | I think Chan and Hyunjin had a fight.

8:16 PM | Chan is acting really weird.

8:17 PM | Do you know anything?

Brownies Boy ☀️

8:19 PM | They had a clash, but they met on Monday night to talk about it. I assumed it was solved. Knew nothing more. Hyunjin looked normal today in class.

8:20 PM | Do you want me to talk to him about it and try to get it out of him?

Squirrel Power 🌰

8:22 PM | No, forget about it.

8:23 PM | I don’t want him to shut down if there really is something…

Brownies Boy ☀️

8:24 PM | Listen, what I can do is try to talk about it in a super discreet way, tomorrow in class. And then we meet up and talk about it?

Squirrel Power 🌰

8:25 PM | Ok. Let's go for that.

Brownies Boy ☀️

8:26 PM | Nice. Our dance class ends at 11am. That time, at the entrance of the arts building?

Squirrel Power 🌰

8:27 PM | 👌👌👌

•

Jisung was leaning against one of the pillars that supported the courtyard of the arts building. He had already left class thirty minutes ago. He was back at 11:30 with his music theory class, so they were gonna have to hurry. He sincerely hoped that Felix had been able to learn a little more about what was going on.

The younger one didn’t even try to talk to Chan about it, because he knew it would just shut him down a little bit more. And that was the exact opposite of what he wanted. After all, they operated in much the same way…

He had, however, said two words to Changbin, so that he could also watch for him. Not that they thought Chan might do something stupid or anything. They trusted him. But he could hurt himself by cutting off sleep and food.

A laugh broke out in the lobby of the building as the door in front of him opened. The young man immediately clenched his teeth, as he tried to display a neutral face as possible by seeing the person leaving the building.

The girl was laughing with a man Jisung didn’t know. She advanced in his direction, but her laugh stopped when she noticed the youngest leaning against the pillar. Jisung made a point of looking in front of him, wanting at all costs to ignore her and hoping that she would ignore him in return.

But apparently, his lucky star wasn’t with him today.

"Hi Jisung."

She had approached him, crashing herself in front of him, all smiling, while the unknown boy had followed her. Jisung glanced at her.

"Mia."

"How are you? It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other!"

"I was better off without seeing you." He replied sharply.

Mia looked at him for a moment, her smile fading somewhat. She turned to her friend, starting to laugh softly.

"Jisung has always been a little special."

His friend looked at him, but Jisung avoided his gaze.

He just clenched his teeth, hoping that she would leave soon. Because he had a sudden urge to slap her in the face.

"Ah yes." The unknown man said. "I have heard of you."

"Good for you." Jisung gently grunted.

"How is Channie?" Mia asked.

The youngest clenched his fists. What a bitch. She knew very well that he had been devastated after their breakup. She knew very well what she had done to him, and she played with it. He was about to tell him to fuck off, but someone coughed to his left, surprising him.

Jisung looked up to meet Minho’s gaze. Apparently, he seemed neutral, but if looks could kill, Mia would already be six feet under.

"Oh." Mia sang. "Hello. I don’t think we’ve been introduced. My name is-"

"Mia, I heard. Don’t bother flirting with me, it didn’t work." Minho scolded coldly.

The girl lost her smile, no doubt not accustomed to being cut like this.

"You and your puppy better get out of here quick. Leave Jisung alone. And Chan too."

Mia looked down at him with a disdainful look, before finally judging that it was probably not worth fighting against him. She breathed before turning to the man who was with her.

"Come on, let’s go. Let’s leave these two idiots alone."

He nodded as she grabbed his arm. She gave Jisung one last dry look before leaving.

The youngest left a breath that he didn't think to hold, before turning to Minho.

"Thank you, even if I could manage on my own."

The oldest hummed, watching Mia leave again.

"So she’s Chan’s ex?"

"Yeah, unfortunately…"

"A chief bitch."

Jisung laughed, approving.

"What are you doing here?" The youngest asked.

"I was hanging around…"

"Were you trying to find me?"

"You know me so well." Minho replied, also leaning against the pillar."

Surprisingly, the proximity didn't bother Jisung. He didn't retreat. His attention shifted to the door.

"You’re just predictable about that. What were you looking for me for?"

"Just want to see you… And since I still don’t have your number…"

The music student laughed.

"So now you want my number?"

"Yes." Minho replied. "It would still be easier to contact you, instead of randomly searching for you on campus."

"You’re not wrong…"

Just reaching for the older one, he glanced at him. Minho smiled, before giving him his phone. Jisung quickly entered his number into his elder’s phone and sent a message to himself.

"What were you waiting for here? Before the other bitch came looking for you." Minho asked while retrieving his phone.

"I’m waiting for Felix. We were supposed to meet to discuss about…something."

"Something?" The elder repeated, with a conspiratorial look."

Jisung hesitated for a moment before sighing slowly.

"I think Chan and Hyunjin had a fight and I’m trying to find out more. Felix had to talk to Hyunjin during his class to see if he could learn anything."

"I see. Why do you want to know?"

"Because Chan is weird."

Minho shrugged his shoulders.

"That’s their problem, isn’t it?"

"Yes… but Chan tends to languish when he’s in trouble. So I want to know if I need to worry."

"You should let them take care of themselves. Meddling in other people’s affairs is never good."

"We’ll see. For the moment, I just want to know if there really is a problem."

"If you say so."

Minho straightened out.

"Anyway, I have to go. I have class."

"Ah? So you were just looking for me to say hello to me?"

"Yes, and to get your number."

The older one began to retreat.

"I see you soon?" Minho asked.

Jisung approved, simply telling him to send him messages if he wanted to go out. The elder approved, before leaving for his course. He watched him go, before his attention was drawn to the opening of the door. Felix appeared.

"Ah, finally! I almost died of boredom waiting for you."

"Yes, I’m sorry, we got out late." Felix laughed.

"So?" Jisung asked.

The young blond man pouted, simply shrugging his shoulders.

"He was vague, so I don’t know much. He just quickly told me about the little fight on Sunday, but-"

"The fight on Sunday? But I thought it was resolved. Changbin confirmed to me that Chan had joined him to talk Monday night."

"Yeah, I know, I saw Chan leave, and they talked after Hyunjin, but all he could tell me is that Chan’s been acting weird ever since. Nothing more."

Felix licked his lips.

"He looked nervous when I started talking to him about Chan."

"Nervous? How nervous?"

"Well… just nervous. He didn’t really seem to want to talk about it."

Jisung sighed slowly. In the end, it hadn't advanced him much. He was still at the same point. Maybe he should try to talk to Chan about it, even if it means getting him in trouble?

"Come on." Felix sighed. "Let’s find a place and sit down. Tell me what you know about the situation."

The brown man nodded before following his friend to the picnic tables.

It may not have been his business, but Chan’s health may have been at stake.

There’s no way he’s going back to the same place he went after he broke up with Mia.

Chapter Text

Hyunjin rubbed his hands, trying to warm himself up. It was quite cold this morning, proving that they were indeed entering the winter period.

He was sitting on a picnic table near one of the university entrances. The place was deserted, if omitted the few students who passed from time to time to go to their classes.

It was almost 9:30, the time of the appointment he had set for Chan. As the minutes went on, the cheerleader became more nervous. He had tried to think about what to say, but his brain was blank. Hyunjin didn’t know what to expect, and he couldn’t find a plan of attack. He was just secretly hoping that Chan would take the time to listen.

A movement in his peripheral vision caught his attention. Hyunjin raised his head, watching Chan walk towards him with his hands in his pockets.

The cheerleader bit the inside of his lip. He wasn’t going to lie, Chan was handsome, and he was certainly in love. He offered him a smile, while the other student sat in front of him.

"Hi Chan."

"Hi."

The young man offered him a small shy smile in return, making his heart beat a little faster. This also reassured him. Maybe he was just preoccupied with something else in the last few days, and he didn’t mean to be so distant.

"You wanted to see me?" Chan asked.

"Hm… yes. It won’t take long, don’t worry."

Hyunjin rubbed his hands one last time, feeling the anxiety rise gently. He turned to his bag, placed next to him, to open it. He gently took out the notebook and placed it on the table between the two of them. He nervously glanced at Chan, who looked surprised. His eyes were wide open, staring at the notebook.

He reached out to get it.

"I’ve been looking for it for several days! Where did you find it?"

"In the club meeting room. I was the last one to go out and I found it on the floor. You… must have dropped it."

"Why didn’t you give it back to me directly?"

"You were already gone. And then we were both busy, so… I didn’t get a chance to pass it to you."

Chan hummed. He turned the notebook in his hands, before putting it in the bag.

"Thank you for returning it."

"It’s normal. It’s the notebook where you write down everything about the club, isn’t it?"

"Yes."

Hyunjin swallowed. It was the moment or never.

"I opened it." The cheerleader admitted.

The other student raised his head towards him, observing him.

"You did what ?"

"I opened your notebook. I’m sorry…"

"Hyunjin! It’s supposed to be private! It’s medical secrecy!"

"I know, but-"

"Don’t tell me you read everything in it." Chan said, starting to get mad.

"No! Let me speak!"

Chan sighed, before licking his lips. He seemed tense, and Hyunjin knew that it wasn't going to get better.

"I’m sorry I opened it. I was curious and I know what I did was wrong, okay? Basically, I just wanted to see the page that concerned me-"

"What do you mean, "basically"? What page did you read?!"

Chan got up from the table, angry. Hyunjin also got up, grabbing his arm to hold him.

"Listen to me! I didn’t mean to read anything! I opened the notebook and came across a page with your name on it! I didn’t want to read, but my eyes caught a word that worried me and-"

"So you thought it was good to read personal pages?! Just because you were worried!"

"Yes! And I always worry, Chan!"

The eldest escaped from his grip.

"You- You were talking about depression… and suicidal thoughts-"

"You had no right to read these pages!"

"I know, and I’m sorry I did! I’m really sorry. But if I wasn’t really worried, would you think I would have told you about it! So you’d yell at me?! I’d rather you yell at me than ignore what I’ve read."

Chan walked away from him a little as he passed a hand through his curls.

"It was none of your business! It’s none of your business!"

Hyunjin licked his lips nervously.

"You’re my friend. I can’t just… ignore that!"

"Yes, you can. And you will."

"Chan! What you wrote in that notebook is serious! You have to see someone to talk about it!"

"I don’t need it! I manage very well on my own!"

"Self-psychoanalysis and weed will not solve the problem!"

"What de you know about it huh? What do you know about psychology?"

He could feel his body warm up, while tears rose in his eyes from being yelled at. He understood that Chan was angry because of what he had done, but getting yelled at was hard. Hearing those words from his mouth was hard. He was usually so kind and understanding.

"You talked about suicidal thoughts… I worry because I care about you."

"These are minor thoughts, due to the call of the void! It’s something common to all humans! I marked it in the notebook!“

"I didn’t read everything!" Hyunjin exclaimed. "I just saw random words!"

"So because of that you think I’m suicidal!"

The youngest wanted to approach, but Chan retreated, remaining out of reach.

"Chan… I know that… you feel bad.“

"I-"

"No. Listen to me. I know you feel bad and I can’t put words on it, because you’re right, I don’t know anything about it! All I can do is use the words you put on it. And you talked about depression, which is something important and serious. I’m not necessarily telling you to tell me, but please, you have to tell someone who can help you." Hyunjin begged. "I don’t want you- I want you to be okay. Because I care about you."

They looked at each other for a moment. Hyunjin hoped that his words would penetrate the thick skull of his elder. Chan finally sighed, before approaching to catch his bag. Without a sign or a word, he turned around, heading for the dormitories. Hyunjin also grabbed his bag before rushing behind him. He grabbed his arm, but Chan got away.

"Chan-"

"Leave me alone, all right? Mind your own business!"

"But-"

"Forget about me, okay? It’s better this way anyway."

Hyunjin opened his mouth, shocked by what he had just said. Chan took the opportunity to leave, without adding any other words.

The younger one watched him go, distraught. Tears began to roll over his cheeks, as the barrier finally gave way.

It couldn’t be worse.

•

Chan was furious.

But not against Hyunjin. Against himself for dropping that notebook. For writing about himself in the first place. To have fucking problems.

Worse, he was self-disappointed for reacting that way with Hyunjin.

He returned to his apartment trying to be silent, not knowing if any of the boys were still there. He returned to his room, gently closing the door behind him, before crashing head first on his bed.

He blamed himself for yelling at the other boy, but he panicked and he didn’t know what to do except push him away. Initially, he didn’t want Hyunjin to know how bad it was, because he didn’t want his pity. He didn’t want him to know how broken he was.

He was like a vase, which life had brought down, and from which no one had been able to pick up the pieces.

But now he knew. And Chan had foolishly panicked at the idea. He wasn’t ready for Hyunjin to know.

He put a hand in his hair, almost trying to pull it out, when he heard someone knocking on the door. His hand released his curls, as he slowly straightened himself. He didn't have the strength to be confronted with someone for the moment, even less one of his roommates, who went directly to see that something was wrong.

From what he remembered, Jisung was having classes this morning, so it was probably Changbin.

Maybe if he didn’t make any noise, he’d walk away without asking for his rest.

"Chan. I know you’re here."

The elder sighed before putting his hands on his face. He was already exhausted from his day when it hadn't even begun. He glanced at his alarm. It was 10:00. He was going to miss his first class of the day, but it wasn’t like he was up for it anyway. Not anymore…

"It’s open, 'Bin."

His roommate opened the door gently, remaining in the frame.

"What are you doing here… ? You don’t have class at 10:00 normally?"

Chan swallowed, putting his fingers on his duvet to try to nervously smooth the folds. He felt like a child about to be scolded by his parents because he was skipping classes. His throat was tied by the previous altercation and apprehension.

"Yes. But I don’t feel like I’m ready to go in the end... I-I’d rather stay here today."

The sports student remained silent for a moment, analyzing what he had just said.

"You had to see Hyunjin before you went, didn’t you? Did something happen?"

Chan nodded negatively as Changbin sighed.

"I know you like the palm of my hand." He said as he walked to his roommate. "Chan, look at me."

The elder raised his head reluctantly. He clenched his teeth, his eyes already embittered with tears. He was so tired.

"Hey…" Changbin gently said as he sat down. "What happened?"

"I suck." Chan said.

"No, of course not. Why are you saying that?"

"I yelled at him. He didn’t deserve it."

Chan burst into tears as Changbin pulled him into his arms to comfort him. He let Chan cry all his want against him, letting all his emotions escape as he laid his head on his roommate's one.

"It’s gonna be okay." Changbin tried to console him. "I’m sure it’ll be better in a few days. You’ll apologize and everything will go back to normal."

His roommate stood up, wiping his face with the sleeve of his hoodie.

"No."

"Yes, I’m sure that-"

"No. It’s better that way."

"What? You want to stay mad? Why? You got along so well…"

Chan shook his head.

"'Bin, leave me alone, please."

"Wait, Chan-"

"Please, I need to be alone and think…"

"Hm… All right…"

Changbin stood up, wringing his hands. His reluctance to leave Chan alone was clearly visible, but he couldn't do much else…

"I’m leaving in about half an hour. I have class. Is it okay if you stay alone at the apartment?"

"Yes, it's okay."

"Right. Okay. But if there’s any problem, you call me, okay?"

"Yeah, I promise."

The youngest sighed, before reaching the door.

"Jisung comes home around 4:00."

Chan just nodded, before hearing the door close. He again leaned over his bed, cuddling in his duvet.

All he could think about were the harsh words he had said to his friend and to his tears-filled eyes.

•

"Sweetheart, are you okay?"

"Mom, please... I just want to be alone."

The woman sighed, leaning against the frame of the door, while Hyunjin tied his hair, sitting at his desk.

"When you came back earlier, you looked sad.“

"I just had a bad day."

"The classes went wrong?"

"No." Hyunjin sighed, rubbing his eyes. "Please…“

"Is it because of a boy? If it’s that Woojae-"

Hyunjin turned to his mother.

"It wasn’t because of Woojae. I just had a bad day and I’m tired. So please… I just want to rest."

"All right." His mother abdicated. "If you say it’s okay, I believe you."

"Thank you."

"What do you want to eat tonight?"

"Just a salad. I have to start back on the competition diet."

His mother pouted, but nodded before leaving the room. Hyunjin leaned back to his office chair, closing his eyes. All his mind could think about was this morning’s events. He had been unable to concentrate during the whole day…

However, despite thinking about it, he couldn't find solutions. Chan had been clear about what he wanted anyway. It’s not like Hyunjin can impose his presence on him.

It broke his heart a little more.

His phone vibrated on his desk. The cheerleader picked it up, without enthusiasm, watching the notification.

Message app

Bang Chan added you to a group tchat.

Hyunjin bit his lip, while the sight of the name gave him butterflies in his belly. He opened the tchat in question.

Club

Bang Chan added Han Jisung, Kim Seungmin, Lee Felix, Lee Minho, Seo Changbin, Yang Jeongin and you.

Bang Chan

6:46 PM | Good evening to you all. As planned, I have created this group to keep you up to date on schedule changes, because of the swimming trainings.

6:47 PM | For the moment, the next two sessions will have to be cancelled and cannot be moved, for organizational reasons.

6:48 PM | Nevertheless I am available to make personal appointments for those who wish to speak to me. We’ll find a time to meet.

6:50 PM | So, in the last news, we will meet again the first Tuesday of December. Good evening.

Seo Changbin changed the name of the group Club to The Club of Broken Hearts Maggle ❤️🩹.

Bang Chan

6:55 PM | 'Bin, wait until everyone has seen the message before starting to flood PLS.

Seo Changbin changed his name to Dark Bin .

Dark Bin

6:58 PM | OK 🙄

Hyunjin locked his phone and threw it on his bed, still hearing it buzzing. This messaging group was never going to be silent.

He sighed. At least he’ll have time to get his ideas together before he has to face Chan again.

•

Felix stirred the pan that contained the sauce, before taking a look at the clock. It was past 1 PM.

"What’s he doing? He’s more than 30 minutes late."

He sighed, leaning against the work surface. He glanced at the counter behind him, where silverware for two persons was placed.

The incessant vibration of his phone, sitting next to it, caught his attention. He grabbed it and unlocked it.

The Club of Broken Hearts Maggle ❤️🩹

Hannie

12:58 PM | I’m just saying that The Maze Runner 2 and 3 are worthless next to the first. 🙄

Minho (^ ◕ ᴥ ◕ ^) 

12:59 PM | You are exaggerating, they are not so bad…

Hannie

1:01 PM | You say that just because Dylan O'Brien is in it!

Seungminie

1:05 PM | I understand that…

Hannie

1:10 PM | Oh no, not you too!

Seungminie

1:12 PM | Yes. He’s a good actor.

1:12 PM | But I did not come in the conversation to flood with you.

1:13 PM | @Chan are you free Monday night?

Felix sighed, looking at the conversation a little to see if Changbin had participated before. However, this was not the case. 

He raised his head from his phone and finally heard a knock on his door.

"It’s about time!" The young man complained when he went to open the door.

He discovered his ex-boyfriend standing on the landing. He didn't have time to open his mouth as Changbin began to speak.

"Hello. I know, I’m late, and I’m really sorry. But I had a problem at the apartment."

Felix frowned, pushing himself to let him pass. He watched Changbin take off his shoes and take off his coat.

"What kind of problem? No big deal, I hope…"

"It’s complicated… Can I explain to you at the table?"

"Hmm… I still have to cook the pasta, so sit down. You have time to tell me."

Changbin kissed him on the cheek, before Felix headed to the kitchen.

"Being late for what was supposed to be our official reconciliation meal is a bit hard."

"I know. I’m really sorry." The older one replied, opening the fridge. "Beer?"

"Yes."

The elder took out two, opening the drawer to take out the bottle opener and open them. He gave one to the blond, before settling down at the counter and drinking a sip.

"I don’t know exactly what I can or can’t say… and I have to admit I don’t know much either."

"That’s fine. Tell me what you can." Felix replied, putting on the pasta in the hot water.

"Hyunjin and Chan had a little clash yesterday…"

"Oh yes. Jisung told me about it- Wait, yesterday?"

"Yes, yesterday morning."

"I thought it was last Sunday. He didn’t go to Hyunjin’s after our dinner?"

Changbin shrugged his shoulders.

"He went and they solved the problem. I mean, that’s what Chan told us. But did you see how they acted at the club? They were very distant… So since Chan was a little weird too, Jisung suspected something and from what I understand, he told you about it."

"Yeah. I tried to ask Hyunjin a little bit, but he said everything was fine."

"I know they were supposed to meet yesterday morning before Chan’s class, because Hyunjin had asked him. And as a result, Chan came home and skipped school. All I know is that they had a fight and Chan didn't go there with dead hand."

Felix opened his mouth, surprised by the news.

"Have you heard from Hyunjin?"

"Well… He attended Friday classes, but he seemed normal. But, he’s a good actor. He could very well pretend to be fine. Anyway, he didn’t tell me anything… How was Chan?"

"Bad…"

Felix lowered the fire to approach Changbin and put his head on his shoulder.

'I’m sure it’s a passing thing. They like each other, and eventually they’ll make up."

"Hm…"

"Do you want me to search on my side with Hyunjin?" Felix asked.

"Please. I really don’t like to see Chan in this state… I’m afraid he’s going to overwork himself just to think of something else.“

"Okay. I’ll do that. In the meantime, don’t think about it too much. Let’s enjoy lunch together…"

Changbin nodded, kissing him again on the cheek, before the younger one went to watch the pot that was on the fire.

Felix served the meal shortly thereafter. He settled at the counter next to Changbin.

"Yum, Bolognese pasta. You remembered I liked your mom’s sauce."

"Of course I remember." The blond laughed, rolling his eyes.

The duo began to attack the meal, enjoying a light silence, only broken by the noise of the cutlery against the plate the noises of chewing.

"So … it’s time to talk." Changbin said after finishing his plate.

"You say that as if we were going to break up, while we’re trying to do the opposite." Felix laughed.

"I’m a little nervous."

"It’s okay."

Felix finished his drink before taking a breath.

"I love you. And I want both of us to work. For good this time."

"I agree." Changbin said. "And I love you too."

The younger one smiled.

"I want us to try again, taking into account what Chan said."

"Yes."

"So… We have to promise ourselves that we will do our best to try to understand each other. And ask for clarification at the slightest problem. Whether it’s from the person trying to be understood or from the other person."

"I agree. What about the time-out signal? In case it gets out of hand…"

"Hmm… I think we should just say take a break. And if it doesn’t work the first time… So we’ll look for something else?"

"That’s fine with me."

Changbin smiled at him, before leaning towards him. Felix also leaned over, rubbing the tip of his nose against that of the man he loved.

"Normally, I don’t kiss on the first date…" Felix whispered.

"Hmm… I think we’re way past that, don’t you think?"

The blond blew through the nose, amused, before reducing the distance between them. He gently glued his lips against Changbin’s, in a chaste kiss. He tasted the tomato sauce on his slightly chapped lips.

Changbin let his hand slide along Felix’s arm, climbing up on his shoulders to grab his neck. He drew it a little more against him, deepening the kiss. A slight moan escaped Felix, while his boyfriend’s other hand went up his thigh.

The blond slid his hand to the back of Changbin’s head, grabbing a fist of hair. He pulled it away from him.

The brunette looked at him, as panting as Felix was.

"We have to do the dishes." The young man gently grumbled.

"Forget the dishes." Changbin begged as he approached again. "We can do it later…"

He leaned down to bury his face in Felix’s neck, laying light kisses like a feather.

Felix let out a faint happy hum, before forcing him away again.

"As much as I want to... We shouldn’t fall into that kind of trouble right away."

Changbin grumbled gently, making a suppliant pout.

"Lixie~"

"Nah." he laughed. "I don’t want to fall back into the same pattern."

"But I love you…"

"And I love you too. So help me do the dishes. We’ll go watch a movie afterwards."

Changbin pouted, as Felix began to stack the plates while laughing at him.

Chapter Text

Count to two while inhaling, then exhale for three seconds. Repeat.

He was washing the plates from the diner they had just had. His hands were trembling madly and he tried to breathe, but he couldn’t help it.

His eyes slipped on his bare arms, where the bruises were already beginning to bloom. It was funny how some of them were long, finger-like, which came to encircle his arm. By reflex, he carried his fingers on them, caressing them, before pressing them lightly. He drew a grimace. He knew perfectly well that it would hurt, as all previous times.

An insult flew into the living room, followed by a laugh. He discreetly turned his head, to observe the other person in the apartment with him. He was a young man, sitting at a small desk at the back of the room. He was focused on the computer screen that was in front of him, while the mouse clicked furiously.

He quickly looked away, lest the other noticed that he was being observed. Quickly finishing the dishes, he wiped his hands, before leaving the kitchen.

His steps made no noise. He used to walk quietly, with the tip of his foot first. The heel was too noisy. He moved cautiously into the living room, skirting the sofa. From the corner of his eye, he watched over the other. He was now walking behind his back, gently moving towards the hallway leading to the bedroom and bathroom. Once he had made more than half the way, he allowed himself to look away.

He had almost reached the corridor.

"Where are you going?"

He straightened up, turning to the desk, where the young man was turned towards him. He had lowered his headphones, while his game was put on pause. His eyebrows were furrowed. He really wasn’t happy.

"I was going… I was just going to shower."

"No".

"But-"

"I said no." The other one grumbled. "You’ll go after. I have other plans for you now that you’ve finished the dishes."

He felt a chill through his body as the other was now moving towards him. He forced himself not to step back, knowing that it would only trigger problems.

A hand landed on his arm, going up along the skin until the man in front of him held him by the neck.

"What if we went to our bedroom?" The other asked in a falsely sweet voice.

"I’m not sure that-"

"Oh, but Jeongin." The other one cut him off. "I didn’t ask for your opinion."

•

A hand touched his shoulder, triggering him. He raised his head, his eyes leaving his shoes, as he stepped back.

In front of him was Seungmin, a worried expression painted on his face. He had also stepped back and raised his arms.

"I’m sorry! I didn’t want to touch you without your permission, but I called you several times and you weren’t reacting."

Jeongin took a trembling breath. He squeezed a little more the books he was holding against him, trying to prevent his hands from shaking.

"You were staring into space…" Seungmin continued.

They remained in silence for a moment, not moving from their position. Jeongin began to count in his head. Inhale for two seconds, exhale for three. He repeated the pattern several times, gradually taking his marks. He looked around. They were both in the campus, under the courtyard of the General Building.

He turned his attention to the young man in front of him, who was waiting quietly, even though he seemed a little nervous. He was wringing his hands.

"I’m sorry." Jeongin gently said. "You surprised me and-"

"It’s okay. I assure you. I shouldn’t have touched you, but I didn’t know what to do…"

"I'm good. I was just surprised."

Seungmin licked his lips.

"What are you doing on campus…? It’s Saturday."

"Oh, I…"

The youngest took a look at the books he was holding against his chest.

"I needed to go to the library to pick up books for my project."

"Oh. Your teacher finally told you about it."

"Yes. What about you? What are you doing here?"

"I live on campus." Seungmin evasively replied. "My roommate is baking and it’s really a mess, so I went out for some fresh air. I wanted to go get a smoothie, and then I saw you standing there, so… So I came to see you."

Jeongin blushed a little under the attention, gently nodding his head.

"Do you want to come and have a smoothie with me?" The older one suggested. "You can talk to me about your project like that. Well, if you want to… and if you have time."

"Oh… That’s nice, but I didn’t take any money with me."

"I invite you."

The youngest looked at him, surprised. He hesitated for a moment. It was never a good sign when someone offered us a drink. People always had ulterior motives… Seungmin gave him a nice smile. Then he remembered it was just Seungmin. The boy who had only been kind and understanding with him.

Matheo had also been kind to him at the beginning…

He shook his head, getting a curious look from Seungmin.

He wasn’t like Matheo, he had to get that idea out of his head.

"Are you sure you’re all right?" The photographer inquired.

"Yes! I’m going to come with you. But next time, I’m inviting you…"

Seungmin opened his eyes a little, surprised by the proposition. His expression of surprise quickly melted into an amused smile.

"All right! Come on, follow me."

The younger one slipped the books in his backpack, before following in Seungmin’s footsteps. He guided them to a small jungle-like shop. From the outside, it looked tiny, revealing only a glass door. But, once inside, it was deep and beautifully laid out. There were tables in the back, but most of the seats were at the bar, where the employees prepared the drinks.

"Wow, that’s pretty. I didn’t know that place."

"I'm glad to be able to show it to you then. Just in time for afternoon tea. Do you want to sit at the tables in the back or at the bar?"

Jeongin looked at both places. The shop was not that empty. There were many people at the tables in the back, unlike the bar. But those who said at the bar, need to sit next to each other. Closer than if they sat at a table.

"The bar." Jeongin decided.

Seungmin smiled, sitting down. Jeongin did the same and missed the surprised look of his friend. The older one didn't expect Jeongin to take a chair so close to him. However, he said nothing. He didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, even less push him further away.

They both ordered a smoothie, as well as a chocolate waffle for Jeongin and a fruit pancake for Seungmin. Their food was quickly served to them.

"How’s the project going?"

Jeongin sighed slowly.

"I have to make a modern and elegant piece inspired by a circus profession."

"Oh, it's original."

"Yes… I had trouble getting something out of my head. But after several sketches, I finally found an interesting outfit. I bought the fabric yesterday, but since I don’t have much money, I don’t have my own pattern books… So I came to the library to borrow some who could interest me. The problem…"

Seungmin sipping his smoothie, listening to him.

"The problem is that I don’t have a sewing mannequin at home yet. I save up to buy one, but it’s very expensive… So for the moment, I have to deal with those available at school... But we don’t have access to them on weekends. And on weekdays only until 8 pm. So it’s gonna be hard to finish by next weekend."

"When do you have to finish it?"

"I give it to my teacher on Monday, at noon."

The eldest looked at him for a moment, thinking.

"Why don’t you use me?"

"Huh?"

"Well… if you cut the fabric at my size. I can come to your house next weekend to wear the outfit and you can do all the modifications you want, before returning it on Monday."

"That’s true ... ? Would you like to?"

"Sure." Seungmin replied. "If it helps."

Jeongin looked at him, before thinking that he had in fact, never invited anyone to his apartment. It made him suddenly nervous, knowing that someone was going to penetrate his personal space. That was another level of what he was just getting used to…

"All right. Thank you for helping me. But you can’t sleep on Saturday night."

"No problem. If we’re not finished, I’ll come back Sunday morning."

"Don't you mind going back and forth?"

"No. I understand why."

The young man nodded, thankful that Seungmin was so understanding.

"Did you say you had to return it at noon on Monday?" The oldest asked.

"Yes. Just before the lunch break."

"Would you be free on Monday morning?"

Jeongin thought for a moment.

"Well, technically, yes. We have the morning to fine-tune the outfit.

"I don’t have class on Monday morning. If we can finish the outfit on Sunday, do you want to do a shoot?"

"A shooting? Rehearsed the youngest."

Seungmin nodded.

"Yeah. We’re pretty much the same size, so even if you make it my size, you should be able to wear it too. Wouldn’t it be nice to take pictures in context? You could give it to your teacher with it, or even show it to your family or friends."

"M-Me? Do the model?"

"Yeah." Seungmin laughed. "My roommate is specialized in theatre. He could tell me how to do your make up."

"Are you sure? I’m not really photogenic."

"I’m sure you do. But don’t worry, you have time to think about it, okay? We don’t have to if you don’t want to."

Jeongin licked his lips, a little nervous. He didn’t think he had to make the model. He was going to make the photos hideous… He suddenly thought back to the pictures Seungmin had made for his teacher. The ugly things he had embellished with the photo… Maybe his magic will work on him, too?

"Okay, I’ll think about it."

"Glad to hear it!"

"Can you text me your measurements tonight? So I can start working."

"Yes, I would do that."

"Thank you, you don’t know how much you save my life."

"It's okay. No worries."

Seungmin smiled at him, before he finished eating his pancake. His younger friend watched him with his heart pounding. But he didn’t know if it was because of anxiety, adrenaline, or...other things.

But he didn’t have to think about it now. That will be the problem of the future Jeongin.

•

His lungs were burning. Yet he continued to move forward, despite the pain that was gently gripping him in the throat, and the pain that was throbbing in his arms. His hand touched the end of the pool, then grabbed the edge, and Chan took his head out of the water.

He gasped, catching his breath after his round trip. A movement by the pool caught his attention. The young swimmer raised his head to his coach, who was standing with his stopwatch.

"You did 26.02." The coach announced with a hard voice.

Chan clenched his teeth, knowing already that it wasn't a good time.

"Come on, get out of the pool. Practice’s over for tonight."

The young man did so. He quickly grabbed his towel on the bleachers, in order to dry himself, while the team gathered around the coach. Chan joined them, staying in the background. He only half listened to the pep talk before the coach dismissed them.

"Chan. You wait. I want to talk to you."

He bit his lip, already feeling anxiety licking his stomach. He knew that he wasn't in good condition today, due to all the anguish he had felt in the last days. He had slept so badly. For a moment, he had thought about skipping training, but he remembered that the competitions were starting soon, and that it would be terribly frowned upon. In addition, diving in the water had always helped him clear his head.

Not this time, though.

He stepped on the spot, nervous, as he slipped his towel over his head to wipe his hair.

"What happens to you?" The coach harshly asked after all the other swimmers had joined the locker room.

"I’m sorry. I didn’t sleep well, I wasn’t in good condition…"

"Wasn't in good condition? Are you kidding me? 26.02, Chan! That’s the worst timer you’ve had since you joined this team."

The blond swallowed slightly before he looked down. He knew his timer was bad. Far from what he usually did.

"You can’t do this to me as competition season begins! This team is counting on you!"

He just nodded in response, his throat too knotted to speak.

"Now that the Kim twins have graduated last year, you are our team leader. We are counting on you to get the best scores on the competitions. I am counting on you to make the school continue to win. Otherwise, who knows what will happen. If we don’t win anything, they can decide to close the team. It’s all on your shoulders. Don't disappoint me."

Chan clenched his fists. His towel prevented him from sticking his nails into the skin of his hands.

"Did I make myself clear?" Coach finished.

"C-Crystal clear, coach." He babbled a little bit. "It won’t happen again."

"Good. Go change and hurry. I’ll wait for you to close the pool."

The young man nodded, before moving to the lockers room. His comrades were already out of the showers and getting ready to go home. Chan opened his locker with trembling hands and hung his towel on it. He took a weak breath as someone put his hand on his shoulder. Chan turned to find Seonghwa.

Seonghwa was a young man of the same year, studying literature. He had joined the swim club two years ago and had never talked much at first. Until Hongjoong presents them again at a small party. It turned out they were very good friends themselves for a while. He and Chan had become a little closer afterwards. Just classmates with the same passion for swimming.

"Are you okay?" Seonghwa asked in a low voice.

Chan glanced at the other swimmers, but they ignored them. Sometimes the blond guy would think the rest of the team didn’t like him. He just didn’t know why. Maybe it was just a feeling.

His throat was still terribly knotted, and his chest oppressed, so he just nodded his head. He preferred to reassure Seonghwa, rather than tell the whole truth. It would be too long, too embarrassing… Too personal. They didn’t usually have that kind of discussion. He didn’t want to make the other young man uncomfortable. He didn’t want to impose his problems on him.

His friend hummed before patting him lightly on the shoulder.

"Okay. Don’t worry too much, hm? Everybody has their bad days. I’m sure your time will be better tomorrow.

"Thank you." Chan creaked in a low voice.

Seonghwa smiled a little, before wishing him a good evening and leaving with the rest of the team.

Chan then went to the showers. He took one quickly, just to rinse the chlorine off his skin. The silence in the locker rooms was broken only by the sound of water falling on the tiles. However, it wasn't enough to silence his noisy brain. His thoughts quickly drifted to the coach’s words, then to all the problems he had in general, including Hyunjin. This only increased the oppression in his chest, to the point of finding that taking breaths became laborious.

Despite his panic attack, he dried up and rejoined his locker. Chan knew it was a panic attack. He had experienced enough to know the symptoms. He had almost learned to live with them. To hide the symptoms. To act like everything is fine. Until it crushed him and that was no longer the case.

He got dressed, before picking up his phone and sitting on the benches. Leaning forward, his head between his legs, he tried in vain to regain normal breathing. That damn pain wouldn’t go through, only making him more anxious. His thoughts drifted to Hyunjin, when he remembered his last panic attack after a club session. The brown man had been able to calm him so easily. He barely remembered what he had said to him, but he remembered his touch and his soft voice. And it made him regret the present situation even more. It made him regret the horrible things he had shouted at him. He missed Hyunjin. He was his lifeline, and now Chan was drowning.

With his heart in his throat, he unlocked his phone, before opening the contacts page. His finger floated over the name Hyunjin. A sob escaped from his lips, because he couldn't do that. He couldn’t call Hyunjin and hope that the young man would help him calm down. He couldn't come back to him after their argument and the crisis he had. He couldn’t show any more how broken he was.

And it made him feel worse.

Somehow, he forced himself to take deep breaths, wiping his wet eyes. He tried to bottle all these sensations, to forget them.

Someone knocked on the door, startled him.

"Bang! Hurry up."

Chan swallowed.

"I’m on my way!" He replied in a broken voice before his attention went to his phone, which had just vibrated in his hand.

Seungmin

8:15 PM | Still seeing you?

8:16 PM | I’ll be waiting for you at the west gate.

8:16 PM | If you want to postpone, that’s okay. I guess the training has exhausted you.

Chris

8:17 PM | Sorry. Training ended late. I’ll be there in 5 minutes.

The young man passed one last hand over his face, taking a deep breath. The oppression in his chest had receded, allowing him to breathe a little better, but he could still feel it. It was somewhere, tucked away in the back of his stomach and ready to retaliate at the slightest sign of weakness.

Chan groaned as he dragged himself up. He got his things and closed his locker.

He was hoping he could sleep tonight.

•

Seungmin looked at the messages before locking his phone and putting his hands in his pockets. He began to walk distractedly, waiting for the older man.

Maybe he shouldn’t have asked Chan to meet on a Monday night. However, he said he would make himself available if they needed to talk. And Seungmin needed to talk to him about Jeongin.

Fortunately, he didn't have to wait much longer, before seeing the oldest.

Chan quickly joined him. He greeted him, before apologizing again for his delay.

"It’s okay, don’t worry. I know the training schedules aren’t right. I didn’t wait long."

The eldest hummed, passing a hand through his curly hair. Seungmin looked at him for a moment, frowning. He didn’t know why, but he found the older one… strange.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yes. Just the training that was more intense than expected."

"Your eyes are red." Seungmin noted.

"It’s because of chlorine. And fatigue… I’m out, so if we could go get something to talk about, and not make it long, that would be good for me." Chan suggested.

Seungmin nodded.

“Yes, of course. I don’t want to drag it out either. I have class early in the morning."

"Great, let’s go."

They set out on their way.

By mutual agreement, they had decided to simply pick up a meal at the nearest store, and settle on a bench. No fuss and it was quick. It suited them both.

They began to eat.

"Then? I am listening to you." Chan began.

"I wanted to talk to you about Jeongin."

The eldest stopped chewing for a moment, doubtful, before picking up again and rushing to swallow.

"Wait- What do you mean "talking to me about Jeongin"? I thought we were gonna talk about you- "

"About me? No, I'm okay." Seungmin said while eating.

Chan frowned, staring at the younger one. Seungmin ignored him, preferring to concentrate on what he ate. However, the nervous tremor of his hand and the tension in his jaw wasn't lost on the swimmer.

"Right. Tell me about Jeongin... But then I want to talk about you."

Seungmin sighed strongly.

"I already told you, I’m fine-"

"Let’s talk about Jeongin." Chan cut him off. "We’ll see later."

Their eyes crossed and remained anchored in each other, wishing to press on their point of view. No chance for Seungmin, Chan was not going to give up so easily. The youngest dropped a small grunt before concentrating again on his food, crushing it with his chopsticks.

"So? Jeongin?"

"I feel like he's a little better…"

"Hm. I haven’t heard from him. He doesn’t talk in the group chat."

"He reads the messages." Seungmin said. "I guess he just doesn’t know what to say most of the time."

"I wish I could talk to him sometime."

Seungmin made a pout.

"I’ll try to work on it, but it’s complicated… It’s barely if he starts to trust me, so…"

"I know. Were you able to… check your assumptions?" Chan asked.

"I didn’t talk to him directly about it. I don’t want to push him. But I’m sure he was abused and sequestered. He was uncomfortable being in a cramped room with me."

Chan sighed slowly.

"

But where does he come from…? How-If he was imprisoned and subjected to violence, how did no one realize he was missing? How could no one help him get out of there?"

"I don’t think Jeongin had many friends in high school." Seungmin sighed. "Maybe... Maybe we’re actually looking for the wrong guy?"

"What do you mean?"

"Because of the club, we started from the premise that it was because of his ex." The youngest admitted. "But what if it was his parents?"

The swimmer thought for a moment. In any case, this was a hypothesis not to disregard. However, Chan had seen that Jeongin feared his ex.

'Given his reactions at the club, I don’t think it’s his parents."

"So why have they never done anything to help him?" Seungmin. growled

"I don’t know… You should ask him."

The youngest sighed, before finishing his food.

"I should… But it’s too soon. I think he’s not ready to tell me all that yet… I’m going to his apartment next weekend, maybe he’ll talk to me a little bit then.

"Maybe. But be careful, Seungmin. Maybe once Jeongin tells you the truth…"

He let out a breath.

"Maybe there will be no more turning back… Maybe your relationship will be impacted, and in the wrong direction…"

He spoke from experience. Admitting to having problems, admitting to being broken, always put a chasm between him and people. They weren’t the same afterwards. There was always a trace of pity in their eyes. Sometimes disgust.

That’s why Chan wouldn’t show Hyunjin that side of him.

"Impacting in the wrong direction? I don’t think so. Knowing the truth would only bring us closer."

"I speak from experience, Seungmin. Sometimes people’s vision changes once they know the truth."

Seungmin looked at him.

"Your situation is nothing like Jeongin’s." Seungmin gently said.

"I know. And I’m not saying it is. But I know what’s going on in the head of a person like Jeongin."Once he tells you the truth, he can’t help but see the pity and disgust in your eyes, even if there isn’t."

"I’ll make sure that doesn’t happen."

Chan sighed again. What this young man could be stubborn. The silence spread, allowing the elder to also finish his dinner.

"Let’s talk about you now."

The exaggerated breath on his right made him almost roll his eyes.

"I’m fine." Seungmin said again.

"Did you have any other relationships before this one?"

"Yes, of course."

"Can you tell me a little bit about that?"

Seungmin frowned, doubtful.

"For what purpose?"

"I want to check something."

"Good." He sighed. "There was one girl at the beginning of high school and another one towards the end."

"How long were the relationships?"

"A month or two with the first girl. The second one… it was more complicated. We've danced around each other for a long time."

"I see."

"Officially, it didn’t last long with her either.

"Hm… Did they leave you every time?"

The youngest remained silent for a moment.

"Yes, they did." He admitted, uneasy.

"Seungmin... Are you lonely?" Chan asked carefully.

"Why would I feel lonely? I have friends. I have a roommate. I see people all the time."

"Just because you’re surrounded doesn’t mean you don't feel lonely."

Seungmin glanced at him before rising.

"I’m not lonely." He said. "I have to go home now."

"Seungmin-"

"Good night, Chan."

The eldest was silent, watching only the other boy go away. He sighed softly, raising his head to the sky, already dark. His eyes moved across the expanse in front of him, looking for the stars that would normally shine there.

However, the streets were too bright for that. He couldn't see anything.

Chan didn’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. He didn’t even know why he was looking for the stars for a short time. Maybe because he remembered that discussion with Hyunjin, before it all fell apart like a house of cards. 

Maybe he was still looking for a connection.

The young man shook his head slightly, trying to get that idea out of his head. He stood up. It was time to go home.

His feet led him to his dormitory, which he reached, tired. When he passed through the door, no light welcomed him. No heat was present. His throat knotted as he pressed the switch. No one was at home.

He didn't know where they were. At least for Jisung, because he suspected that Changbin had to be at Felix's apartment.

Chan dragged himself to the bathroom, where he spread out his pool stuff, before reaching his room. He gently pushed the door, revealing the dark room, only slightly lit by the lights of the city. His heart fell into his chest as his eyes landed on the bed.

The empty bed, whose sheets were still undone from the previous night. Not having the strength to do more today, he undressed, leaving him in his boxers. His head hit the pillow, as he dropped on the bed. Turning to stand on his back, his eyes found the stars on his ceiling. They burned his eyes, as did the tears rolling down his cheeks.

Chapter Text

His eyes were on the sky. Night had already fallen for some time, yet he could't see the stars through the window of his room.

Hyunjin sighed, scanning the dark space above him. It had now been six days since the dispute had taken place and he had not heard from Chan directly since. He had just followed his messages in the group chat, proving that he was still there. That he existed. It wasn't a feverish dream of Hyunjin.

However, all his messages seemed so impersonal. He only spoke when it concerned the club, so, not much. He wasn't involved in the frivolous discussions that Jisung and Felix were having fun throwing. Not that Hyunjin was. He didn’t really see the point at the moment. He had other things to think about.

His eyes looked for the stars again, before giving up. This weekend, they should have gone to see the stars together, but everything had fallen through. It was his fault after all. He could only blame himself. He shouldn't have looked into Chan’s stuff.

He blamed himself because he ruined everything.

But he would also have felt guilty if he hadn’t spoken.

Wouldn’t it have been selfish to shut up and watch Chan suffer without being able to talk about it, just for his own personal happiness? Hyunjin didn’t want to be like that. He didn't want to be like those people who always preferred their own happiness to the detriment of others. Chan was more important than his own comfort…

Hyunjin left the window, finding a place on his bed instead. He rubbed his cheek against his duvet, trying to find comfort where he could.

The separation was horrible. Even painful. He had only known Chan for a month and a half, but he had managed to take such a big place in his heart in such a short time. They had never been separated so long and he missed the young man terribly. He couldn’t get it out of his head, or even his heart.

During this time without him, Hyunjin had really become aware of the significance of his feelings for him. He understood, that he had fallen hard for the older one. Hopelessly and deeply in love. And he didn’t know what to do about it.

He let himself think for a moment about what he would have done, if the situation weren't as it is now? Would he have told him? Maybe not…

Frankly, Hyunjin didn’t think that would be a good idea. At least, not right now. Even if, by any chance, Chan have feelings for him too, having a relationship would probably not be a good thing.

He trusted Chan. But would he be able to trust him enough to have a relationship? He wasn’t sure.

Moreover, it was almost certain that the blond wasn't ready to trust again in this way. After all, he had hidden his personal problems from him, so what else could he hide from him… In any case, since Hyunjin had searched his notebook, it was useless to talk about trust…

Hyunjin jumped when he heard knocking on the door of his room. He straightened up slightly when he saw his mother gently opening the door.

"Sweetheart? Felix is here."

"Felix?"

"Yes."

The cheerleader leaned his head to the side, confused, while his mother let Felix into the room. Hyunjin glanced at him while waiting for his mother to leave. They waited a few seconds, to be sure that she had gone well, before beginning to speak.

"Felix? It’s almost 9:00. What are you doing here?"

"To talk to you!"

Hyunjin sat properly on the bed, prompting his friend to do the same.

"Couldn’t it wait till tomorrow? If it’s about Chang-"

"It’s about you and Chan, you dummy."

The brunette closed his mouth, starting to gnaw his lip as he looked away. He would have preferred not to have this conversation.

"How do you know-"

"Changbin. Well. I don’t know everything. I’m kind of aware… of what Changbin knows… And that's only what Chan wanted to tell him."

Hyunjin just hummed back, looking at his socks. The seams were much more interesting than the conversation in which he would find himself mired.

"And what do you know?"

"To be honest, I know you had a clash last Sunday… and you talked about it on Monday. Apparently, it hasn’t really been resolved and you guys talked about it again on Friday, but it didn’t end well."

"Hm. H-How is Chan?" Hyunjin nervously asked.

"We don’t care about Chan right now. How are you? I gave you time. I thought you were going to tell me about yourself, but apparently I was wrong. So here I am."

He raised his head to his blond friend, who offered him a sympathetic smile, before taking his hands.

"I’m sure you haven’t told anyone and you just kept it all to yourself… It’s not good Jinnie. You should talk about it… Maybe I can help you find a solution?"

The brunette took a breath. Maybe Felix was right? Maybe it would be better if he told him everything that had happened. By omitting what he had read in the notebook, of course. It was certain that Felix could help him find a solution.

Because they couldn’t stay in that situation forever. He was going to find a way to get back together with Chan…

"All right. All right. I’ll explain everything from the beginning."

Felix nodded, settling down comfortably while Hyunjin explained in detail what had happened, until that famous Tuesday, when he found the notebook.

"-I was curious. I know I shouldn’t have, but I wanted to know what he was writing about me, so I opened up. Except I came across his page… And I read things that I shouldn’t have read. Things he didn’t want me to know, or anyone else to know in my opinion."

"What did you read?"

"Felix. Chan blames me enough for reading these pages. I’m not going to spread it…"

"Hm ... Is that why you fought?"

"Yes. When I gave him back the notebook, I was honest and told him what I had read."

The blond frowned, confused.

"Why did you tell the truth? Didn’t you think he was gonna be angry?"

"Of course I do!" Hyunjin replied, stirring. "But it would eat me alive if I didn’t tell him. And I couldn’t see myself starting to lie to him when-"

The cheerleader stopped. His throat suddenly became dry as he hesitated to continue. Was this really the time to talk about that?

"When?" Felix repeated.

"When I have feelings for him." Hyunjin gently whispered.

Felix stood up, displaying an overexcited expression. He began to hop on the spot.

"What?! No, is it true?! You finally admit it to me?"

"Shh, shut up." Hyunjin scolded, embarrassed." I was saying. I couldn’t see myself lying to him, looking at him in the eye. Whereas… I wish there was more between us in the near future. We both already have trust problems, if in addition we start to lie to each other while we are just friends…"

"But he lied to you too, didn’t he? About what’s in the notebook."

"He didn’t lie to me. He just hid it from me. And I understand that."

"Hm… So what? What happened next?"

Hyunjin sighed, before telling him the end of the dispute and Chan’s words."

"Ouch… What are you going to do?"

"I don’t really know, to be honest. I mean, I know I want this to stop. I want us to go back to the way we used to be, when we were friends and we were laughing and flirting with each other… But at the same time, he made it clear to me that he no longer wanted to see me… I don’t know if he said that out of anger or if he really meant it.... I don’t know how to approach him, and I’m afraid I’ll be repress if I do. What if he yells at me again and I melt into tears? And-"

Felix sighed. He approached Hyunjin and grabbed his shoulders.

"I assure you Chan didn’t mean it."

"How can you be sure?""

"Changbin told me that he really felt bad about yelling at you. He must have just been surprised that…you now know this information. You should try talking to him."

"Yeah…"

"And you’ll get back being lovey-dovey in no time."

Hyunjin felt his cheeks begin to burn. He dared not imagine what the boy was suggesting, for fear of creating too much hope.

"You know, I’m glad you finally confessed." Felix said.

"Yeah, well…"

"I can’t wait for you to pop the bubble and one of you take that dick. Because you’re getting disgusting."

"Felix!" Hyunjin exclaimed.

"What?"

The eldest looked at him, shocked, before bursting with laughter, quickly followed by his blond friend.

"First of all, it’s not going to happen so soon. As I already told you, it’s too soon for him, as it is for me. Second of all, don’t talk to me about sleeping with him, I’m gonna get pictures later!"

"I’m sure he has lots of kinks."

"Felix!"

"Oh ! Come on. We’ve already talked about kink."

"Yes, but not my crush's ones."

"Do you want me to talk to you about Changbin’s?"

"No!" Hyunjin said, offended."

They laughed a little more, before finally, the cheerleader leaned towards the blond, to take him in his arms. He held him firmly against him.

"Thank you." He said.

"You’re welcome, Jinnie. You see, you always do better when you talk about it."

Hyunjin nodded.

"I’ll make sure I fix it."

•

But it was easier said than done.

Hyunjin was looking at his watch, circling not far from the entrance to the building where Chan usually had class.

He left himself another day to think about what to say to Chan. He needed to mentally prepare to see him again, after a week of distance.

Last week, Chan said he had a class at 10am on Friday. Hyunjin decided to try to catch him before this class. He showed up around 9:40 that morning. He saw a lot of people coming and going from the building. But no Chan.

It was now more than 10:15. Hyunjin rubbed his frozen hands together. Winter was beginning to slowly settle in, and the morning temperature was freezing. He breathed in his hands, again looking at the building. It was lost now. Chan had to have arrived much earlier than he did…

The cheerleader hesitated about what to do. If he didn’t talk to Chan today, he knew he was going to chicken out again. In addition, he wouldn't have the opportunity to see him before next Monday. No question that he will ring at his dorm during the weekend. He had balls, but not so much. He didn’t see himself meddling in Chan’s apartment to have this conversation. It was better to be on neutral ground…

The problem was that he didn’t know what time this class ended. He sighed, beginning to drag his feet towards a bench, on which he settled.

He didn’t have anyone’s number in Chan’s class.

Then all he had to do was wait.

•

His stomach growled loudly when he again saw students leaving the building. It was already the third time that a wave had come out. However, this time, he kept his hopes to a minimum. He had been too disappointed the previous two times.

Hyunjin rubbed his fingers together before stuffing them into his pockets. He had been freezing there for three hours now. He was sure he was going to get sick soon, but he didn’t care. He was sure it was worth it.

The young man got up, hoping to see better. The rapid movement turned his head, as his stomach were twisting again. He groaned softly, thinking back to his little dinner and missing breakfast. He regretted not having taken at least one fruit before leaving. Hyunjin, however, didn't think he would have to wait so long before he could eat lunch.

His gaze quickly passed over the students, looking for blond curls he loved so much. In vain. Chan was not among the students. It probably wasn’t even his promotion.

He was about to sit down on the bench when a familiar figure came off the building. Hyunjin crinkled his eyes, trying to spot who it might be, and more importantly, where he had already met this person.

Man, not very tall, thin, mullet.

The cheerleader quickly grabbed his bag before starting to run towards the familiar silhouette.

"Hey!"

The young man turned to him, raising an eyebrow. He stopped, letting Hyunjin to join him.

"Hi Hyunjin." He said.

"Hi, uh…"

"Hongjoong."

Hyunjin smiled at him, embarrassed.

"Sorry, Hongjoong."

"It’s okay. We only met once, I understand. What’s up?"

"Hm… Well… I wanted to know if by any chance you knew where I could find Chan?"

"Chan?" The oldest asked.

The cheerleader nodded.

"You’re in the same class, aren’t you? You were supposed to have class this morning… But I didn’t see him and…"

"I’m sorry, Hyunjin, but I’m not going to be able to help you… Chan wasn’t in the auditorium this morning." He said.

Hyunjin’s heart fell into his chest. He heaved a heartbreaking sigh. He had waited for nothing…

"To tell you the truth, I haven’t seen him for several days. He skipped all the auditorium lectures… I don’t know if he was at the practical class, we’re not in the same group…"

"Okay, thanks for the info…"

Hongjoong watched him for a moment as the silence spread. Hyunjin was confused. His original plan had fallen through, and now he was lost as to what he had to do.

"But he had a swim practice last night. I have a close friend who’s on the same team. Do you want me to text him to see if he saw Chan last night?"

"Please, if you don’t mind. I’d at least like to know if he’s still on campus…"

In fact, Hyunjin didn’t think Chan would have gone to his parents' home for an indefinite period. He was probably holed up in his apartment, which wasn't good news for Hyunjin.

The young man watched Hongjoong tap on his phone before waiting for an answer.

"Why don’t you send him a message?" Hongjoong gently asked.

Hyunjin expired, looking for what to say.

'You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to."

"We... had a bump. I’d like to talk to him to apologize, but I’m afraid he won’t see me if I tell him."

"Hm… I understand. You should ask Changbin and… Jisung? I think that’s their third roommate’s name. They may be able to help you more than I can."

The cheerleader was about to answer, but they were interrupted by the ring of the psychology student's  phone.

"Seonghwa said he was present at every training session of the week, including yesterday’s."

"Okay, so he’s still on campus."

"Apparently. You should ask his roommates. Do you have their numbers?"

"Yeah. Thanks for your help, Hongjoong."

"You’re welcome. You’ll have to come back to eat with us one day, so we can get to know each other better!"

Hyunjin agreed, accepting easily. Hongjoong seemed like a nice guy. He would love to eat with them again, but before that, he had to solve his problem with Chan.

They greeted each other and parted ways. The cheerleader watched him leave for a moment, before setting off as well. He walked for a moment, his feet guiding him to the dormitories. He walked along the buildings, until he reached the entrance of Building C.

He stopped, staring at the doors and hesitating. Should he try and ring? Was that really wise?

Well, maybe not.

He looked at it a little longer, before finally bowing his head, and heading back towards the campus.

•

Changbin walked through the door of his small apartment. The living room was silent, but his eyes easily found his boyfriend sitting on the couch. He took off his shoes quickly, before joining him.

The blond put his phone down when he saw the other man approaching. He barely had time to stand on his elbows as Changbin leaned over him. A hand slid into his smooth hair as their lips met tenderly. Felix leaned his head to the side, allowing Changbin to squeeze their mouths a little more together.

The chaste kiss ended quickly, while Changbin retreated. He passed his hand into Felix's bangs.

"Hey baby. Thanks again for coming."

"It's ok ay." Felix smiled. "But you know I’m not going to be able to stay in the afternoon, I have class."

"I know. But I don’t leave until 3 and Jisung comes back at 4pm. It should be okay."

Felix hummed, sitting down completely. He pushed his legs, letting his boyfriend sit next to him.

"How is he?" Changbin asked.

"No idea. He was locked in his room. I tried to ask him if he wanted to eat lunch, he didn’t answer."

Changbin sighed, putting his hand on his face.

"Hmm… You can go if you want." He suggested. "I saw Hyunjin hanging around the building.

"Hyunjin?" Felix repeated, confused.

"Yes."

"I didn’t tell him I was there."

"So what’s he doing here?" Changbin asked."

They looked at each other for a moment before their eyes turned to the hallway leading to the bedrooms.

"Do you think he was there to see Chan?" Felix suggested.

"Maybe…"

•

The room was still in the dark. He hadn't had the faith to open the curtains this morning. As on previous days, by the way. He didn’t even have the faith to get out of bed to be honest.

He had heard Changbin come in, a few moments before. And now he could hear his roommate and his boyfriend chatting in a low voice in the living room. He couldn’t listen to what they were saying, and frankly, he didn’t care.

Changbin insisted on calling Felix. So he could come to the apartment. So he wouldn’t be alone. to babysit him.

Chan sighed. Why did everyone expect him to do something stupid? His fingers tightened around the joint he smoked, as he brought it to his mouth for a puff.

He wasn’t suicidal. He never was. Even after Mia left him, he never thought of ending his life. Anyway, even if he had thought about it, he never would have had the balls to do it. He was just a coward.

He exhaled the smoke, distractingly caressing the leather of the camera strap. He had been holding it loosely for a long time. But strangely, he didn’t feel that urge in his chest. He didn’t want to open it or watch the videos that were recorded there. Maybe because he knew this time it wouldn’t make him feel better?

After all, Mia wasn’t the cause of his grief today.

Letting the camera slide over the sheets, he grabbed his phone instead. It was still on, displaying his conversation with Hyunjin. The last messages were now a week old. The blond looked at them again, knowing them already by heart, while his finger dangerously hovered over the call button. As usual these days.

He took it off again, carelessly throwing his phone to the side. He gave up again. A fucking coward. What was he afraid of anyway? That Hyunjin would not answer him? That he would ignore him after his illegitimate anger? That he no longer wants to see someone as broken as he...?

A thud was heard and Chan groaned. He glanced at the side, but could not see his phone. What a moron. If it was broken, he would regret it…

The blond placed the joint in the ashtray that rested on his stomach, before taking it and placing it next to him on the sheets. He forced himself to roll to the side, to take a look at the ground. His poor phone was sitting on the floor, face down. He swallowed, reaching out nervously, ready to catch the object and check if its end had arrived or not.

Chan stopped, however. His fingers had not yet touched the phone on the ground, but something had caught his attention. A small piece of wrinkled white paper, rolled into a ball, rested on the floor. It was at the foot of the bed, near the bedside table. He could have gone unnoticed, if the faint ray of light that passed between the curtains hadn't landed on it. He made it almost brilliant, in the dark room.

Confused, the blond picked up his phone, as well as the paper. Chan reinstalled himself in his original position, before putting his phone next to him, gently this time. The screen was fortunately not broken, so it was better not to tempt the devil a second time.

His attention shifted to the paper. He made it turn a little between his fingers, before unfolding it, curious. When the first numbers appeared, he remembered what the paper was. The number of the waitress at the restaurant. His eyes ran through the name and numbers several times, before letting his hands slide. He left them lying carelessly on his torso, always holding the paper firmly.

Changbin’s words came back to him. Perhaps it would do him good to meet new people. Talking to people who knew nothing about him. Who knew nothing of his ill-being or even of his disastrous relationship with Mia. Maybe it would do him good, to feel like a normal young man again, who had no problems.

His hand grabbed his phone and his eyes once again found the Hyunnie ✨ written in bulk on the screen. It was as if he was making fun of him, knowing perfectly what Chan was thinking and feeling. It was as if he knew what he was about to do.

He left the messaging page and entered the new number into his contacts. Without giving himself time to think more, he sent a message.

Chris

1:20 PM | Hello?

The young man then turned off the screen, resting the phone on his stomach. He didn't know exactly what he had taken from him. Maybe he wanted to regain that feeling of freshness, brought on by the unknown? Maybe he just wanted to remember how he felt when he started talking to Hyunjin. Before these feelings become a mess.

He wasn’t kidding himself anyway. What was the percentage chance that this girl would answer a text from a stranger on a Friday lunch? Certainly very weak. Maybe she’ll open it up and leave him on read, wondering who this strange person was who was texting her.

The vibration against his stomach surprised him. Chan picked up the phone.

Eri? 🥢

1:22 PM | Hello? Who is it?

He opened his eyes a little, not expecting an answer. Even less, so fast. The blond bit his lip, suddenly nervous.

Chris

1:23 PM | My name is Chan.

1:24 PM | You left me your number about two weeks ago… At the restaurant where you work?

God, that was embarrassing. It took him two weeks to text her. She probably already forgot him. Maybe she often gave her number that way…?

Eri? 🥢

1:26 PM | Oh!

1:27 PM | Blond and curly? Sitting at the table against the window with two friends?

Chris

1:28 PM | That’s right!

Eri? 🥢

1:30 PM | Well, nice to meet you Chan! My name is Eri, as you probably read on this piece of paper I gave you.

1:31 PM | I am still a bit ashamed haha. It was a ridiculous move.

1:33 PM | It’s been two weeks…

Chris

1:35 PM | That’s fine. I think you still had a lot of courage to do that. I wouldn’t have dared in your place.

1:36 PM | Yes, I’m sorry… I only found the paper now.

He hadn't initially intended to take contact, but it was not really a lie. He had actually found the paper at the foot of his bed.

Eri? 🥢

1:37 PM | I believe you! I’m an airhead too!

1:37 PM | So, blond curly guy. Are we getting acquainted? 😗

A slight smile stretched over Chan’s face as he began to type. She seemed kind.

They spent about an hour discussing. The young man ignored Changbin’s call to eat, as well as his empty stomach, and instead spoke to the girl. He’s going to have something to eat at 3:00, when no one else is around. It wasn’t urgent.

Through their conversations, he discovered that, indeed, Eri was a really nice girl. She was one year older than Chan and had graduated two years earlier. She wanted to work in the restaurant business, but she was waiting for a place to open in a palace downtown. For the moment, she was working in this small restaurant, very popular with students.

Chan laughed softly at his message.

Eri? 🥢

2:45 PM | I swear to God!

2:46 PM | I make the best kimchijjigae in the country! 😋

Chris

2:47 PM | That remains to be seen.

2:48 PM | I don't believe you if I have no proof.

Eri? 🥢

2:50 PM | So come and eat at my place?

2:51 PM | I am not working this Tuesday noon. 😉

The young man looked at the message. The proposal had surprised him. A lot. He didn't expect to be invited to her home after an hour of conversation. Moreover, that wasn't his goal!

His stomach twisted, from hunger or anxiety, he didn’t really know. What did he have to say to that? Yes? After all, she didn’t specify anything except the meal. Maybe it was just an opportunity to get to know each other better.

Chris

2:54 PM | Ok! Go for Tuesday noon.

Chapter Text

Hyunjin was getting his stuff together, while his promotion was coming out of the auditorium.

His thoughts were drifting towards what happened at noon. He just was a fucking coward. In the end, he should have gone to see Chan. Now he was back to square one, and again he had to find the courage to step in the direction of the blond. It wasn’t simple. It wasn’t simple at all.

He missed him, but seeing him again started to terrify him. The longer he waited, the more the catastrophic scenarios filled his mind, paralyzing him.

Someone touched his arm, startling him. The cheerleader turned his head to his left, finding Felix ready to go.

"Shall we go now?"

"Hm… Leave without me, Lix. I have to get books from the library, for the essay to be handed in two weeks."

"Already? Since when have you been so studious?"

"I’m just trying to keep my mind busy." Hyunjin said.

The youngest of the two sighed softly, looking sadly at his friend.

"I’m sorry." The blond replied.

"It's okay…"

"You should try talking to him…"

"I had planned to catch him at noon, at the end of his class, but…"

"But he didn’t go to class this morning."

"Yeah… How do you know that?"

"'Bin."

Hyunjin nodded gently. It is true that now that they had gotten back together, the news circulated extremely quickly between their two groups of friends. I mean, if he and Felix could be called a group.

"By the way, are you two okay?" The elder asked.

"Everything is going well for the moment… It’s only been a week so it’s not very surprising." Felix laughed. "We’ll see what the future holds."

"Yes, you're right. I hope it'll still be okay."

"I hope so too. I have to leave you, otherwise I’ll miss my bus."

Nodding in agreement, the cheerleader looked at his friend walk towards the auditorium door. Felix was getting ready to go out, but he turned around one last time.

"I meant that sincerely, Jinnie. You have to find a way to talk to him."

"I know. I’m working on it."

The blond offered him a smile, before finally leaving. Hyunjin stood there, leaning against the table, alone, for a few moments. He was really trying to think positively. Felix told him that Chan didn’t mean what he said. However, he couldn’t help but think "what if". What if it was a facade. And if with hindsight, he didn’t regret it so much in the end. And if he was better without Hyunjin in his entourage.

He took the time to finish tidying up his things, occupying his hands instead of his mind. Each noise echoed in the huge empty room, making it feel a little more lonely.

He finally went out into the hallway, before heading towards the building’s exit. He hoped to quickly find the books he needed, to finally go home. The day had been long and trying. He was exhausted. All he wanted to do was take a nice warm bath and lie on his bed.

Maybe he could watch an episode of that stupid show he found recently. The scenario looked really bad, but it made the show a lot funnier. It would make him think of something else…

He pushed the doors of the building, immediately shivering. December was approaching dangerously and the temperatures were only cooling. And Hyunjin hated the cold. He tightened his coat around him, taking the way to the general building. He hurried to shortened the journey, looking at the ground more than his surroundings. He didn’t want to look at someone he knew.

He didn’t want to talk.

Hyunjin hurried to decompress his coat as he entered the overheated library. He was relieved that he had not met anyone. He quickly greeted the librarian before moving on to the alley that interested him: the one of books on arts and dance.

He breathed a satisfied sigh, observing that the seat at the back of the alley, against the wall, was empty. Hyunjin left his bag and coat there, somewhat happy to be isolated. The library was always empty on Fridays, and even more in the late afternoon. Added to the fact that this section was far from the study tables and the entrance... It was really his favorite little corner in this library.

The cheerleader stretched quickly, before getting to work. He looked through the shelves, looking for books that could help him prepare his essay. As time went on, he pulled out books, piling them in his arms.

Hyunjin was focused on reading a back cover, when something passed in his peripheral vision.

"Hey, Jinnie."

The young man jumped, almost missing his loot. Taking a breath, he turned to the newcomer, clenching his teeth in anticipation. He knew that voice.

In front of him was his ex.

"Hi Woojae." Hyunjin gently said, before turning to the shelves again.

He resumed his search, at least in appearance. His attention was always focused on the men standing next to him. Why was he there? Woojae had never been a bookworm, even when it came to studying. He was just doing the minimum to maintain his grades, so there would be no repercussions on his ratings and sports activities.

And why had he come to greet him? It had been a few weeks since they had managed not to cross paths. Or at least, that Hyunjin had managed to avoid him, at the expense of his group of friends.

Hyunjin once again glanced at the young man, who was always present. Apparently, he hadn't just come to greet him. His lucky star was, as it were, absent…

"Do you want something?" Hyunjin carelessly asked, when he was going to put the books already chosen near his bag.

"Well, we haven’t seen each other for a while. I saw you passing by, so I thought I’d say hello."

His ex leaned against the library next to him, smiling seductively. Hyunjin knew that smile by heart. It was the same one he had taken out to him to hit on him, before they started dating, so many months before.

"You? In a library? I’m sorry, but I don’t buy that lie." The cheerleader replied.

"Wright. It's true that you’re not stupid." Woojae laughed.

Hyunjin frowned at the comment.

"I was outside and I saw you come in." He said. "But I did want to catch up."

"You saw that I was fine. So now you can go."

Hyunjin turned away from him, wanting to look at another shelf. In his opinion, it was best not to pay attention to him. He’ll leave him alone eventually. However, his passage was blocked by his ex. The dancer barely avoided taking his arm in the chest. He then looked up and down at him. The irritation was starting to tickle him. He had a bad day, so he didn’t have to add to it.

"Uh, come on. I can see we haven’t seen each other in a while. Are you avoiding the group?"

"No. I am avoiding you, nuance." The young man replied, losing patience.

"Me? Why? I thought we were cool."

"Cool? I wouldn’t call that cool. You used me, Woojae, and you hurt me. I don’t want to hang out with you anymore. I thought I made myself pretty clear by continuing to refuse to going out with you."

The cheerleader went around the young man. He reached the shelf that interested him, hoping that his ex would let him go and understand the message. But it wasn't forgetting the pea that served as his moral sense and his stubbornness much bigger than what he had between his legs. Woojae followed him, almost clinging to him. Hyunjin took a step back, feeling suffocated. However, his ex grabbed his arm to prevent him from moving away, surprising him.

"Stop talking bullshit. I didn’t use you at all. I loved you and you left me."

"Woojae, let me go." Hyunjin replied, wanting to let him go. "I left you because you just wanted to use me to see what it was like to sleep with a guy."

"That’s not true! Who put those ideas in your head?"

"Nobody! Leave me alone!" Hyunjin replied, raising his voice.

"Is that the other one? The one you’ve been hanging out with for several weeks?"

Hyunjin stopped jiggling, raising his head towards Woojae. Was he talking about Chan?

"Yeah. That’s him." Woojae growled.

"Stop saying bullshit."

"This guy from the swim club. He'll pay for it shortly."

"Chan didn’t tell me anything! It was my decision alone. Now, let go!"

"Young men! Can I know what you’re doing?"

The two startled. Woojae’s hand let him go, while Hyunjin turned his head, to see the librarian, standing in the main aisle. She looked at them, angry, with her arms crossed. They had certainly raised their voice a little too much.

"He'll pay for it shortly." Woojae repeated in a low voice.

His ex passed him by, giving him a shoulder in the process, while Hyunjin stood there. He was shocked by the scene that had just taken place and especially by what his ex had insinuated. He never thought Woojae would behave that way.

A soft hand landed on his shoulder. His eyes met those of the older woman.

"Are you all right?"

"Yes. I'm okay… Thank you. Sorry about the noise."

She hummed, glancing at him, before leaving him.

Hyunjin took a few moments to calm down. He breathed deeply before advancing to the seat and recovering his belongings and the books he wanted to borrow. It had been a tiring day and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He just wanted to go home and roll around in his bed. Maybe cry a little. He was angry, frustrated and, above all, sad. He was fed with everything.

His research for his essay will wait until next week.

For now, he just wanted to forget everything.

•

Seungmin was unusually nervous.

His fingers scratched the skin around his nails, while his forehead was resting against the bus window. He was watching the cars go by as the vehicle walked him through the shopping area.

"Next stop: Myeongdong." 

The young man raised his head to the understanding of the bus’s robotic voice. With a look, he checked the stop. It was this one.

The bus stopped and he hurried out. Seungmin slipped under the bus shelter, the time to close his coat and slide his hood over his head. The weather was awful today. The rain had begun to fall this morning, and things hadn't improved since. The young man rearranged the bag on his wrist, before setting off.

Seungmin walked quickly, looking at the buildings so as not to be lost. After all, he had only made the way once before. When he saw the little neighborhood grocery store with the red storefront, he turned. It was with pleasure that he recognized the street name. He wasn't lost.

He advanced quickly, finding refuge in the recess that served as the entrance to the building. Becoming increasingly nervous, his eyes searched the names on the intercom panel, until they found the one he was looking for.

Yang Jeongin.

Before he could stop thinking, he rang the intercom. It was strange for him to think that Jeongin had accepted. When he originally made the suggestion, he was certain that the young man would refuse. Fearful as he was, it had surprised him that he accepted someone into his home. It was like invading his very personal space, in a certain sense. Seungmin liked to think that it was proof that the young man was gradually trusting him. It was a big step forward.

However, no one answered the call. He tried again, but without success. Maybe he was doing some grocery shopping before the older one came? He was a little early.

His phone vibrated in his pocket. Seungmin hid a little more from the rain, retrieving it. A new message from Jeongin had just arrived.

Jeongin

1:52 PM | Seungmin, is that you?

Seungmin

1:53 PM | Yes, it’s me.

Jeongin

1:54 PM | Ok.

1:55 PM | Sorry. I usually do not open to anyone when they ring.

1:56 PM | Rings again. I open to you. I am on the 5th floor, door 45.

The young man frowned, rather surprised by the message. He rang again, however, hearing the little sizzle that told him that the door was open. Seungmin entered and immediately went to the elevator, taking it to the floor where Jeongin lived.

He didn’t answer anyone when someone rang the doorbell? It was curious. The information was looping around in the photographer’s head. He was hoping he could ask the younger one once he got in.

Once in the corridor, he found his way easily to door number 45. He knocked. Immediately the door opened slightly, as if the host had been waiting nervously behind. Knowing Jeongin, this was surely the case. A security chain blocked the opening of the door, while his younger friend took a look.

Seungmin offered him a smile, before Jeongin closed the door. He heard the ringing of the chain, before the door opened wide.

"Hello." The youngest gently let go, pushing himself out of the door.

"Hi Jeongin."

The photographer entered as the host closed behind him. He heard several ringing sounds as he took off his shoes and coat. This made him raise his head, watching Jeongin close the many locks on his door.

"Who. I’ve never seen a door with so many locks." Seungmin commented.

"Yeah… I installed them when I moved in."

The older one hummed in response. It was still a lot of locks, but he didn’t make any additional remark. He suspected that the youngest should not feel safe, even in an equipped and secure building.

Jeongin then led him a little further into the living room. To Seungmin’s surprise, the apartment didn't exactly resemble to Jeongin. He had expected a neat, clean apartment. However, it was quite the opposite. The walls were largely decorated with posters and posters of all kinds. The elder recognized fashion articles as well as some bands of music. On the ground lay an incalculable number of fabrics and sewing materials. The sewing machine stood proudly in the center of the coffee table, invaded by drops of colorful fabrics and other materials.

It was a mess.

"Sorry. I spread out a bit for the project. It’s a mess."

"That’s fine." Seungmin replied. "I suspect that the sewing is an activity that taking up space."

The elder advanced a little further in the apartment, taking care not to step on what was lying on the ground. It was a more complex task than expected, since the apartment was plunged into darkness. Large thick curtains were drawn on what Seungmin supposed to be the bay window.

"I’ll get you a drink." Jeongin nervously announced. "You can sit on the couch if you want."

Seungmin glanced at him, as the younger one was heading towards his small kitchen area. He then continued on, approaching the furniture at the bottom of the room, near the bay window. He quickly observed the books lying there, before his gaze found a picture of Jeongin with his family. The photographer had to wrinkle his eyes to be able to distinguish the details, but Jeongin looked young. Young enough to curl up in his mother’s skirt and smile with all his teeth. Two other children were in the photo with him and his parents. Seungmin didn’t know he had brothers…

His eyes then fell on the plant lying in a pot at his feet. Seungmin made a grimace when he saw how badly it looked. Poor thing. He bent down to touch the leaves that turned yellow, as his gaze slid towards the thick curtain.

It must have run out of sunshine.

The young man reached out to catch the curtain. He was ready to pull it to let the light in, but a hand suddenly grabbed his arm.

"No!"

Seungmin raised an eyebrow. His gaze found Jeongin’s panicked gaze, while the young man still held his arm firmly. The realization that the youngest had initiated a contact struck him, but he said nothing about it, more worried about the cause of Jeongin’s panic and about this story of closed curtains.

"Don’t you want to open it? To let in some light?" Seungmin nicely asked.

"No!" Jeongin nervously replied.

"Why?"

"Because ... because I could be seen."

The older one gently frowned. He glanced at the thick curtains. Was Jeongin afraid of being seen in his own apartment? Was he still chasing him? He dropped the curtain and turned to his friend.

"Because someone could see you?" Seungmin repeated. "Are people… looking for you?"

"No… It’s just… I don’t want to be seen."

Jeongin may realized that he was still holding the older man’s arm, because he suddenly took his hand away.

"You know, you’re on the fifth floor. And then you have a balcony... people can’t see you from here."

"What if they could?"

"I promise you they can’t…"

His gaze slipped on the poor plant at his feet.

"You know. Plants need sunshine to live…"

"I... I don’t know much about plants. That’s why Jo' fells bad…?"

"Jo'?" Seungmin repeated.

"That’s the name of my plant." Jeongin timidly admitted.

The elder smiled. Jeongin had given his plant a name. He found it very cute.

"Yeah, that’s why Jo’s in trouble. It needs a lot of sunshine."

"Oh…"

"Why don’t we just open up a little?"

Jeongin again met his gaze. Panic was apparent in his eyes.

"Look. I’ll show you, okay?"

Seungmin gently stripped the pot to place it as close as possible to the bay window. He again grabbed the curtain and pulled it gently. He opened it only about twenty centimeters. A ray of light invaded the room, making it a little warmer and brighter. Seungmin then replaced the pot a little better, so that the light fell directly on the plant.

"You see. That way, we still can’t see you, and Jo's in the light."

He turned to Jeongin, who looked at his plant with big eyes.

"Do you think she’ll get better?"

"I don’t know." Seungmin said. "Maybe she’ll recover, with enough light and water, but I can’t guarantee that."

"Oh…"

Seungmin noticed that Jeongin was holding a glass of water. He assumed it was his. He gently reached out to him. The eyes of the youngest left the plant and looked at the outstretched arm in front of him, before making the link. Jeongin gave him the glass.

"Thank you. You know, there are sticky surfaces to put on the windows. They’re opaque, but they let in the light. We could stick them on your bay window."

"Is it really opaque?"

"Yes. It will give a fuzzy effect from the outside as well as from the inside."

"I see… But to put them on, I would have to remove the curtains…"

"I can do it for you if you want."

Jeongin looked at him for a moment.

"Would you?"

"Sure. It won’t take long to install. I could go and buy some within a week, and we’ll see how to install them afterwards.

"Thank you." Jeongin gently said.

Seungmin smiled at him. He looked at Jeongin for a moment, while he was looking at the curtains, as if he were trying to imagine what it would look like with the description he had given him. The older one thought it was cute. Jeongin was really charming once he got close.

"So, shall we start?" The photographer asked.

The youngest suddenly seemed to remember the reason for Seungmin’s presence here. His eyes slipped over the mess that was his apartment.

"Yes! You- You can go to the bathroom to change if you want." Jeongin said, showing him a door at the beginning of the little corridor.

He bent down to pick up a few pieces already sewn, to put them in Seungmin’s arms. The oldest placed his glass on the table and quickly inspected the parts.

"This one is the bottom. The opening goes in front. And this is the jacket. Be careful, there are still needles in the sleeves and back. You can keep a T-shirt underneath if you want to…"

"Okay. I’ll put this on and come back quickly."

Jeongin just nodded, as he began to nervously touch his hands. Seungmin offered him a smile, before disappearing into the bathroom.

•

"Above all, if I sting you or if I hurt you, said it!"Jeongin announced, unsure of himself.

"No worries. But do what you have to do and don’t worry about me, all right?" Seungmin nicely said.

The younger one nodded, as he took his needles.

Seungmin was standing on a small box, wearing the outfit his friend had created. The jacket had the sleeves too long and he had to hold the pants so that he didn't go down, but he was rather impressed by what Jeongin had done.

He was inspired by a ringmaster’s classic dress for the form. However, it differed from it in many ways. Whether it was the cut, the colors, or the details. The ensemble stood out more in the style of rock and grunge, while remaining vintage.

It was incredible what Jeongin could have as imagination to create such an outfit.

The younger one approached, showing a concentrated look, as he adjusted the trousers around Seungmin’s waist. He let him go, letting the younger one do what he wanted. He was also impressed by Jeongin’s professionalism. He would never have believed that the young man could approach him in this way, touch the clothes he wore, touch him, without flinching. He seemed so focused on what he was doing, that physical proximity no longer bothered him. It made him look mature.

Seungmin watched him, trying not to move, while Jeongin pinned the pants. The youngest captured the two pieces of fabric that were to be used to sew the zipper and tighten them together.

"Is it too tight?" He asked.

"No. That’s fine."

"Okay…"

He closed with a needle, being careful not to sting Seungmin, despite his trembling hands.

Perhaps, in fact, he was nervous, noted Seungmin. He was just hiding it because his work was more important than his fear at the moment.

The youngest then stooped to his knees, adjusting the legs of the trousers, to make hems to the size of Seungmin. Once the hemlines were pinned, he straightened up and took care of the jacket.

The eldest remained for a long time standing on the crate, letting Jeongin turn around. He tried to fix his gaze on the wall in front of him, to avoid making the youngest nervous by looking at him, or to move without realizing it. However, he couldn't help but look at Jeongin from time to time. Seeing him concentrated was something else.

"It’s okay, you can come down."

Seungmin blinked a few times, before coming down.

"You can go change. I’ll put the zipper on the pants and modify the jacket. Then we’ll try again."

"Okay." Seungmin easily approved, before heading back into the bathroom.

•

The sound of the sewing machine echoed in the apartment, while Jeongin focused on the seam of the zipper and hem.

Seungmin watched him in silence, enjoying just being able to observe him. It wasn't often that he could just enjoy a moment of calm, watching Jeongin. The prolonged looks made the young man nervous. However, as he was currently busy, he didn't really realize that Seungmin was staring at him.

Well, at least that’s what the older guy said until he met chocolate-colored eyes.

"Oh- You- We can turn on the TV if you want." Jeongin rushed to say, embarrassed. "We won’t hear anything because of the machine, but - I-"

"It’s okay. Don’t worry." Seungmin gently smiled.

"Are you sure? Aren’t you bored?"

The eldest shook his head negatively, to reassure the youngest.

"We can talk, if you want." Jeongin suggested. "I just don’t know about what."

Seungmin jumped at the opportunity.

"I saw you had a picture of yourself as a kid!"

He got up, again looking at the furniture, and grabbed the picture frame to show it to Jeongin. The youngest seemed surprised to see him do that.

"I didn’t know you had brothers!"

"Well, you never asked me." Jeongin timidly said, pinning the tissue.

"That’s right." Seungmin laughed.

"The oldest is Kangdae. He is 27."

"Oh. He’s much older than you."

"Yes. He travels a lot, so I don’t see him often. Last I heard, he was in the Philippines."

"Wow… it must be nice.” Seungmin said, trying to imagine what the Philippines looks like.

"And the youngest is Hyunsu… He’s about to turn 13."

Seungmin simply nodded, resting the frame on the furniture.

"What about you?" Jeongin asked. "Do you have siblings?"

"Yes, I do. I have a 23-year-old sister. She works in a jewelry store downtown.“

"Do you get along well with her?"

"That’s fine." The older man said. "We’re going to say we fought a lot, but it wasn’t really mean."

"Lucky. I never really got along with Kangdae… And Hyunsu is a little moth."

"That’s the age. That’s normal." Seungmin laughed.

Jeongin hummed, while silence was slowly imposed. Seungmin pouted, looking for a topic of discussion, before his gaze fell on the fabric.

"Hey, can you show me how you do that?" The elder asked, curious.

"Uh... yeah?"

Jeongin tapped the place on the ground next to him. Without asking for his rest, Seungmin came to sit next to him. He was careful, however, to leave space between them. Space that was quickly filled by Jeongin himself, while he showed with joy how the sewing machine worked.

Seungmin watched him, and couldn't help but smile.

•

"Oh you’re here, dear. I’m sorry for the delay, I’ve been looking for you everywhere."

Jisung was focused. His eyes were following Howl and Sophie in the sky, as if it were just a street. His phone vibrated against his thigh, distracting him. The young man frowned, feeling it vibrate again. Then again, and again.

God, who dared disturb him while he watched his favorite movie again.

Jisung pressed the space button of his computer almost furiously, putting the movie on pause. He grabbed his phone. Immediately, the irritation vanished, leaving room for a smile on his face.

LiLino 🐱💘

7:45 PM | YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

7:45 PM | JISUNGGGGGGGGGG

7:46 PM | Are you busy?!

7:46 PM | Answer me!

Hannie 🌰

7:48 PM | I’m watching a movie! 😫

LiLino 🐱💘

7:48 PM | WHAT?!

7:49 PM | Without me? 😦

Hannie 🌰

7:50 PM | It’s not like you live five minutes away…

7:51 PM | I'm just sayin' 🙄

Jisung rolled his eyes before putting his phone next to him. He was about to press play again, when the intercom bell sounded throughout their apartment, startling him. His computer slid sideways and Jisung sat on the bed.

Who the hell came to disturb them at almost 8 PM? Had Changbin invited Felix? Or had Hyunjin finally decided to come and confront Chan? God, he was hoping it was Hyunjin. The situation was starting to get annoying.

He came out of his thoughts by Changbin slightly knocking at his door, before opening and passing his head.

"Ji'? Did you invite Minho?"

The young man opened his eyes, surprised.

"Huh?"

"It just rang. I opened the building door for him."

"What?"

How did he get here so fast? And why on earth did he take his message literally. The youngest took a look at his room, looking at the piles of dirty clothes and the few plates piling up on his desk.

"Oh shit. Bin', help me clean up. I’ll die if he sees my room like that."

Jisung rushed to catch all the clothes lying around. Changbin, surprised, watched him run through and put everything in the laundry basket in the bathroom. Jisung shouted his name again. They didn’t have much time. It didn’t take more than five minutes to get on the elevator or up the stairs. The elder groaned, but nevertheless began to walk. He picked up the dishes, quickly taking them to the kitchen.

Jisung entered again, hurriedly opening the window in the hope that it didn't smell too wild. He almost threw his computer on the desk, to hasten to redo his bed a little, when he heard someone ring the doorbell of their dorm.

From afar, he heard Changbin screaming that he was coming, so he rushed to put in order what he could, before putting the computer back on the bed. He opened the door, getting ready to go out to greet Minho, when he already found the young man on his doorstep.

Minho looked extremely soft. His hair was a bit messy, probably due to the outside wind. He was wearing little glasses and a baby blue sweater. God, his sleeves were so long that Jisung couldn’t see his hands.

He looked way too cute and he was sure he was going to have a cardiac arrest soon.

"Mi-Minho, hey."

"Hey." Minho smiled. "I brought some cheesecake. I wanted to take some coffee too, but I thought it was a bad idea because of the time. Have you had dinner yet?"

"No, but- How do you-"

"I was already waiting outside your building. I wanted to go out."

Oh.

Jisung suddenly felt very stupid.

"Oh. You should have told me. We can still go out. I haven’t eaten yet." Jisung babbled.

The eldest, however, shook his head negatively. Jisung lost his smile as his stomach twisted. Anxiety rose somewhat. Did he hurt Minho? Damn it, he didn’t want-

"

"The movie is a better idea! Well, if you’d like to start over from the beginning with me.

"I- Yes, of course! I was only at the beginning anyway!"

Minho smiled. Jisung pushed himself to let him into his room, but the elder bowed his head towards the cheesecake he was holding in his hands.

"We should put it in the fridge. We’ll share with Chan and Changbin for dessert."

"Wait, you bought a whole cheesecake?"

"Yes. You like it, so I thought it would go easy for two."

Jisung felt his cheeks burning while he didn't deny. He guided Minho to the kitchen and took care to put the cheesecake in the fridge. Changbin looked at them from the couch.

"Are you having dinner with us, Minho? I was going to order Burger King."

"If you don’t mind. And I brought some cheesecake."

"Cool. Jisung must be the one who’s happy."

The youngest took the tongue from his roommate, waiting for him to write down their order. Then Jisung grabbed Minho’s sweater to pull him back into his room, under his amused gaze.

"So, what movie were you watching?" The older one asked, lying on the bed.

"My favorite movie. Howl's Moving Castle."

Jisung lay down next to him, a little nervous to be in this situation with Minho. After all, no matter how well they got to know each other, Jisung had not known him for so long. So having him in his room, in his very personal space, made him nervous. What if Minho judged him?

"Oh, it’s true that this film is good! My favorite Miyazaki is Chihiro.

"You watch Miyazaki's movies?" Jisung marveled at that.

"Of course. Since I was little."

He smiled at Jisung, who smiled back to him, as he pulled the computer on his lap. He put the film back to zero, while Minho settled a little more against him.

And he pressed play.

Chapter Text

Jisung was nervously crushing his food, glancing at the table.

They had barely had time to finish the film, that the food had been delivered to them. He and Minho had piled up with Chan and Changbin on their little table in the kitchen. Minho had quickly integrated into their small roommate, and he was currently in the process of gently bickering with Changbin over some subject. Jisung only listened with one distracted ear.

The younger one took a look at Chan, who had not said a word about the meal. The older one was also crushing his food. He had eaten almost nothing, to the dismay of his roommate. How long had it been now? A week? At most.

A week that Chan wasn’t really involved in their dorm life. A week that he didn’t come out of his room except to go to a few practical classes and swim practices. A week that he was eating randomly.

Jisung was really starting to worry. And he knew that Changbin was worried too.

"Aren’t you hungry, Chan?"

The youngest raised his head, glancing at Minho, who had asked this question, without any ulterior motives.

"No, not really… I’m tired." The eldest admitted.

"Oh. Shall we eat dessert then? Then I’ll leave you."

"No. Don’t worry about it. I’m really not hungry anymore." Chan said with a light, reassuring smile."

He got up from the table, pushing his leftover fries and nuggets towards Jisung, before clearing his empty wrappers.

"I’m going to bed. Good night, Minho."

The three young men watched him leave the room without saying anything. They heard the door of the room close and Changbin sighed.

"Well… How about the cheesecake?"

The other two men nodded.

The rest of the meal passed quickly, and far too soon for Jisung’s taste, Minho put his shoes on the doorstep. The younger one stood beside him nervously. Why was he nervous every time they had to separate? They were friends now. It should be different than last time at the movies.

Changbin watched them from the kitchen, while he was doing the few dishes they had used.

"Are you sure you don’t want to bring some of the cheesecake, Minho?" He asked.

"No. I’m at my parents' house tomorrow, so I can’t eat it. Jisungie will enjoy it more than I will." The eldest laughed.

The said young man felt his cheeks burning. Perhaps he should think about tasting more cakes in the future? Minho made him look like a cheesecake addict.

At the same time, that may have been the case…

"Jisung? Will you come down with me?" Minho kindly asked.

Surprised by the request, Jisung raised just one eyebrow. Come down with him? Why? He lived two buildings away. A movement caught his attention in his peripheral vision, so he turned his head to meet Changbin’s gaze. His older roommate glanced at him, before nodding slightly. The younger one jumped slightly, understanding.

"Uh, yes! Of course!"

He hurried to put on his shoes before following Minho. Minho smiled, apparently satisfied with Jisung’s discomfort with the situation.

The youngest walked him to the exit of the building.

"In fact, I asked you to come down with me because I wanted to talk to you. Without eavesdroppers." Minho said.

"Oh…"

Jisung looked at the young man in front of him, with a mixed feeling. Minho wanted to speak to him privately? What he wanted to tell him that could not be said in front of Changbin. Suddenly, he became nervous again.

"What’s going on with Chan?" Minho let out.

He certainly didn't expect this to concern his older roommate.

"Chan?"

"Yeah. He looked really strange at diner. I didn’t want to talk about it up there. In case he could hear from his room."

"Hm… To tell you the truth, things aren't going too well right now…"

"Mia?"

"No. Hyunjin."

The older one frowned.

"What do you mean, Hyunjin? I mean... I didn’t think they were…." Minho started, surprised. "Wait, is this still about what you told me last time?"

"They're not. And yes, more or less…"

"That’s a precise answer." Minho sarcastically said.

"Hm… I don’t really know about Hyunjin, but I think Chan likes him, you know. Anyway. They had a fight last week and since then… it hasn’t really changed."

Minho simply looked at him, blinking his eyes. Jisung was also staring at him. Maybe he shouldn’t, but he thought that habit was cute. It was certainly strange, but he couldn’t help it. He looked almost innocent when he blinked that way.

"I worry about him." Jisung said. "When Mia left him, he locked himself in the work, so much so that he forgot to eat and sleep. It really messed up his health. I feel like he’s doing the same pattern…"

"Then make sure they talk about it." Minho said.

"Huh?" Jisung stupidly let out.

"You said they had a fight. If they talk about it and solve the problem, then everything will be fine."

"Well." He said. "Well, it’s much easier said than done!"

The older one simply offered him a smirk before he started to walk away.

"You’re smart. You’ll have to find a solution!"

Jisung watched him leave, remaining silent about his statement. That’s true. Maybe he could come up with a plan to make them meet. With the help of Changbin and Felix, and maybe Hyunjin. Maybe they can do it.

Minho was already far enough away, when Jisung woke up from his moment of reflection.

"Don’t forget to send me pictures of your cats tomorrow!" Jisung shouted.

The elder just raised his arm for recognizing, before disappearing behind a building. This left the young man breathless, without really knowing why. However, he couldn't help but smile.

•

"Okay. So if I put the ties that way…"

Seungmin lowered his eyes slightly, watching Jeongin pin the decorative fasteners on the jacket he was wearing.

As they had supposed, they couldn't finish sewing everything on Saturday. However, Jeongin had taken as many notes and measures as possible to advance a good part during the evening. And Seungmin came back the next day, as promised.

All that remained was details and other decorations.

The youngest showed an expression of concentration, while accurately measuring the differences, before pinning them.

"All right. You can take it off."

Seungmin smiled, before obeying. They had finished the pants earlier in the afternoon. So Jeongin could give all he had left of his energy in the creation of the jacket.

So he went to work, sewing the details by hand, while the older one sat in the sofa with a book. However, his reading was much less interesting than watching the youngest.

Seungmin would never have thought he was even barely attracted to a man. Until now, he always thought he was straight. He never looked at a man the way he looked at the girls he was interested in.

Before meeting Jeongin.

The youngest was beautiful, undeniable, even from the point of view of a straight man. He had clean features and a nice smile, when he wanted to show it. He was tall, quick-witted, and kind. Anything to attract people around him.

The only thing that could have turned someone off was his passive. Because people were afraid of what they didn’t know. They were afraid of what it might be, of having to learn to live with someone who didn’t react like everyone else. However, that wasn't the case with Seungmin. It was the opposite. He was attracted to it.

It made him want to help him and be useful to him in some way. Like this weekend.

"What are you reading?" Jeongin suddenly asked, sitting at the other end of the couch."

Seungmin glanced at his book, before again raising his eyes to the younger one, who didn't look at him, continuing to sew.

"Uh- It’s... it’s kind of a comic book. The girl was posting it on her socials. She had a lot of recognization, so she was spotted by a publisher. This is the second volume."

Jeongin turned his head towards him, reading the title of the book.

"Heartstopper… What’s it about?"

"It’s a love story, between two boys. One is a little reserved and the other is kind of… popular and sporty. It covers a lot of interesting and thought-provoking topics."

"I didn’t think you were interested in gay romance." Jeongin said.

"Because I’m straight?"

Jeongin took a curious look at him, seeming rather surprised at the finding.

Well, actually. Jeongin wasn’t really wrong.

"I thought you were, because you were talking about a girl at the club. Sorry, I didn’t want to assume…"

"That’s fine. To be honest… I don’t really know what I am." The elder said, looking at the frames on the pages.

"Ah?"

"Hm. How did you know you liked boys?"