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Chapter Text

“It’s time to head to Meridian, Prisoner.”

He glanced up from where he sat quietly on the dirt floor of his cell. Two years here. Two long years trapped with every thought and memory and nothing to hide behind from them. Not even the daily exercise they finally allowed him after the first six months gave him reprieve from their constant march across his consciousness. Each one taking its pound of flesh and cup of blood with it, a never ending parade of shame for what he had done and become.

After eight months, he finally opened up to the warden Janeva after their thousandth time asking if he wanted to discuss anything. To finally cut open the infected wound in his psyche, spraying forth all the foul pus of his deeds, thoughts, desires in an attempt to knit the wound shut properly.

He found that though it helped, the wound was still inflamed. Still smarting. The drum of his thoughts were no longer a soul deep agony though, simply the thrum of a shallow wound hiding something deeper. Something sinister. Even the Asp couldn't bite deep enough to draw that poison out when called upon to help the Warden.

He rose smoothly, and moved to place his hands through the customary opening so that he could be shackled like the animal he was.

Janeva waved his hands away as the door was unlocked.

“Cuffs are no longer necessary, Prisoner. We travel for you to personally get your full pardon from His Radiance, the Sun-King. You surprised me. Thank you for proving my opinions wrong on his rehabilitation program.”

He inclined his head respectfully to the warden but said nothing as he stepped out into the brilliant light of the sun. Light he didn’t deserve. Pardons he didn’t deserve or want. Dully, he gestured for Janeva to lead the way. They should have killed him. The stains of shadow and blood on his soul would never wash clean. Too many knew him. Knew what he did. Knew what he was.

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They had scrubbed him in places he didn’t know could be scrubbed. Shorn his hair back to his old military haircut. Scraped his face of its scraggly overgrown hair. Slathered him in oils to hide the scent of blood that he was sure was now ingrained in his skin and hair. In his very bones. Dressed him in silks that he vaguely remembered wearing from what seemed another life. Whispered memories of a time before where he had been happy, safe, and loved. Before that life had been torn asunder by the Mad King. 

He sat docile through the whole process, like it didn't feel as if they were flaying his skin from muscle and bone to lay him bare. The attendants all were terrified and almost slit his neck open whilst shaving, their hands shook so.

He felt ridiculous.

A man of skin tanned darker than his, with a quiet and calm demeanor, led him not to the area at the base of the Sun-King’s throne, but to one of the side plazas of the Sun Palace. He gestured for the Prisoner to kneel before he announced the presence of His Radiance, Sun-King Avad.

He knelt in the Sun-King’s shadow, right where he belonged. He didn’t understand why he had been groomed and plucked clean, when he was no better than the dirt under the King’s shoes.

“Amin Khane Khensu.”

The Prisoner flinched as if he had been physically struck, but remained quiet and subdued, staring at the geometric colorful tiles, hoping that they would swallow him into the void.

“You are here to receive your pardon for past crimes against the Carja people and against the Sun. You freely admitted to all the transgressions that you committed against our people and other tribes in the service of my father, the Mad King Jiran, at the orders of Kestral Helis who now lives in Shadow. Though you showed no remorse for what you did at the time, Janeva has informed me that this has changed and that you have changed.”

Amin dared to glance up at his new King, and found kindness instead of disgust in his eyes. He flinched once again and dropped his pale eyes back to the floor.

“You are absolved of your crimes. Your estate has been returned to your remaining family and any remaining wealth after reparations were drawn by the Royal Treasury has been handed back over. Your honor is now restored and you are free to travel the Sundom with your face to the light.”

Tears entered Amin’s eyes like traitors. They flooded down his cheeks like warm blood. He shook his head as Avad turned to walk away.

“Your Radiance...please…” he whispered hoarsely, both emotion and disuse coloring his words.

The Sun-King paused and faced the kneeling man once again. The gentleman who brought him before Avad opened his mouth angrily and stepped forward, only to have Avad hold up his hand to stop him. "No Marad. Let him speak."

He waited patiently as Amin scrambled to put together sufficient words to his pain. To his shame.

“Your Radiance...thank you for your mercy for my remaining family. But I do not believe I am fully worthy of yours or the Sun’s pardon. I do not think I will ever be worthy. I beg of you, task me with further penance. Strip me of my name. Banish it so that my family may not live in the shadow of the horrors I committed. I do not know how to go out into the world as I am now. I would simply perish. Run myself into the first knife I come across and bleed out onto the ground for shame.”

He looked up and held eye contact with the man who he would have gladly disemboweled two years ago. Would have bathed in his blood, drank it, gathered it to present to his Commander and King with relish and pride. And would have remembered little of the act other than the immense pleasure he would have garnered in the kill.

He was a horror. A monster. He was sure his name was used to scare Carja children into behaving.

Avad looked down at him with a contemplative look. “You would become Nameless? That is a punishment that is normally only for the most dishonored dead to receive. And you wish it to be so while you still draw breath?”

Amin nodded his head vigorously. 

The King’s eyebrows drew together and his face grew serious. “As you elect to do this, I will decree that you may earn your name back but only when you have finished the task I give you. You will not receive the full brunt of this Curse. Only you may reclaim your name. I cannot return to you, what was and is always yours. I rename you Nil under the Sun’s radiance, to mask your shame in shadow until you are ready to walk in light once again. As for penance and direction… You killed many innocents in the Red Raids and in the fight against me. Innocents who had no way of defending against you. As you once were innocent and had no defense. Cinnabar Sands...The Daunt. They will live in infamy due to your blood thirst and savagery. As reparation, I command that you serve as my Arrow in the Shadows, to exist in the space between armor and skin. You will patrol the lands you raided by any means necessary to protect them from the bandits who have encroached upon them in their weakness. Weakness you helped create. Should any ask of your crimes, you will freely admit to them. You will admit that you reveled in them and had no regrets at the time. You will wear your Kestral armor. You will live with the honor I know your parents instilled in you. And you will not speak of the task I have set before you. When the sun sheds light on more faces that you saved than you took or hurt during your soldiering years, you may consider the scales even, your debt to the Sun and Shadows paid. Do you accept this?"

Nil pressed his forehead to the ground before Sun King Avad, the tears streaming down his face freely. His soul felt cleaner than it had in years. Raw, throbbing, ragged, but cleaner. "Yes, your Radiance. That is perfect."

"Then rise Nil, my Arrow. Leave Meridian and only return when it is time to reclaim your name."

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His third stop was the first place he had caused pain. The Nora lands. The Embrace. Wooded and cool and full of bountiful plant and animal life. He squeezed through an opening in their border that was left unpatrolled due to the lack of braves. An opening he found because he was tracking his first quarry, bandits that had struck out from their nearby settlement to harass weaker travelers.

He was oddly both happy and sad that his previous partner had perished tracking this particular bandit camp. Happy because he felt he was more honestly earning his repentance. Sad because his partner had bungled and Nil couldn’t save him from his own stupidity. Another life added to his tally to make up for. He shouldn’t have let his loneliness drag someone to their grave.

He made quick work of them in the middle of the road. Kneeling, he watched the life leave the eyes of the last woman and smiled savagely at her.

Never again would she prey on the weak. Never again would she kill wantonly as he once did. 

He felt satisfaction. A small purr left his mouth knowing that he was on his way to righting his wrongs. Honest killing. A killer of killers. A bounty hunter who collected no bounties.

He began to turn back towards the direction of the bandit camp when he glimpsed something that shook him to his core.

A pale woman with hair the color of blood and fire, sitting atop a strider that wasn't actively trying to rid itself of its burden.

It's something that stupid adolescent Carja did on a bet before the machines became aggressive. Try to mount a strider and see how long until you were thrown. He never did it but some of those that were older in the military around him spoke fondly of their attempts.

And here was this Nora woman, brazenly trotting toward him on a tame strider like it was the most natural thing in the world. This was new. This was interesting . Had the Nora become able to master machines? Maybe this was why they didn't aggressively patrol their borders? He tucked the information away. This was something that might need to be relayed to Meridian. His Sun King did give him some contacts to utilize in his personal quest.

He knew the moment she saw him, her face twisting into displeasure. He should be careful as this brave may very well outright attack him for trespassing in the Sacred Lands. Cataloging all his escape routes, he wanted to see what she would do. He schooled his face into blankness.

"There's danger ahead girl."

She glared at him, nonplussed. But she made no moves to attack. Interesting. Even when she glanced at the bodies scattered around him, she made no move. Instead she just looked disgusted. 

“Danger for you outlander. This is Nora land-”

She didn't know who he used to be. Even more interesting. He had been avoiding others thinking every person of every tribe would know who he was. “Yes yes yes. Trespass is forbidden on pain of death...strange phrase the pain of death. ” He gestured to the first bandit he took down. “See? This one’s in no pain at all.”

Her sneer faltered as she looked at him incredulously. “Who was he?” He saw her begin to tense up as though he was going to pounce on her, drawing her spear between them.

He glanced down at the slack face and glazed eyes of the body she pointed at then back up to her, smirking. “A thief, a slaver, a killer -- the kind that give honest killers a bad name.” He toed the dead body gently, rebuking it in the back of his mind. Got what he gave. Which was more than Nil ever got. He turned his pale silver eyes back towards the Nora. She had relaxed once again.

“Varl told me there would be bandit ambushes on the road.”

Nil blinked. They knew the bandits were there but hadn’t bothered to drive them out? And they were taming machines? It should be easy with the help of machines to wipe out wide swathes of bandits. With a strider to cover large distances quickly, bandits shouldn’t exist in the Sacred Land even with few braves.

“Well it’s not all good news. They don’t always come to you. Most dig out a camp, and there they’ll sit, like spoil on meat.”

The girl winced at his choice of words and he smirked both outwardly and mentally. Can’t have her thinking he’s done a public service, even if he really did.

“Unless...someone does something about it?”

He paused. She looked at the bodies with both distaste and thoughtfulness. No way… He tamped down on his interest and excitement as much as he could. Maybe… And he could discern if the Nora were using machines to protect themselves.

“I like you. Follow the trail of smoke, on the other side of the ruins. I’ll be there.”

He pointed to the smoke in the sky, watching her striking green eyes follow his finger. He noticed the metal triangle next to her ear as she turned. Was there light coming from it? Was it powered like machines? Was it how she had tamed a machine? So many mysteries this girl presented…

Curse his curiosity. It had been a long time since anything or anyone beside death and opponents had drawn his interest so.

The girl nodded her response and immediately began rummaging around the dead bodies, grabbing useful things. The audacity of this girl! Pillaging his kills! She didn’t even ask! He bit back a laugh and let her do it. Then he watched wordlessly as she jumped on her strider and rode off into the distance, leaving him wondering at her mystery. And wondering at his own fascination that rose up so quickly. She never asked his name. He never asked for hers. He hoped she’d show up…

----

What is this? A strange wind blowing

Bearing secrets with its hushing rustle

And who are you? A figure approaching

Are these footsteps I hear or my heartbeat 

Pounding, forcing the Amorphis to conceive

Chimes of midnight I stand helpless watching 

As the tremulous bud turns to the sun

Oh Phoenix, let me climb on your pyre

Phoenix forge me a soul in your fire 

Will I wither like all roses?

Will I forfeit my own cry?

But the blackness held its silence

The golden scales in perfect balance

~Reborn by Tillian

Chapter Text

He took his time loitering outside of Devil’s Thirst camp, casing the defenses and watch changes. He still needed to take it out even if the girl with fire in her hair never showed.

He couldn’t blame her if she never appeared. He was doing grisly work that was normally reserved for soldiers, honest killers. Though...even as a soldier he hadn’t been an honest killer. He’d been a demon.

Screams. Smoke. Blood. A little Oseram girl who had picked up a red hot poker from her father’s forge. She swung it at him, screaming at him to die. Die in the forge of her anger, the flames of her rage. Her father lie lifeless at her feet but she was too distraught to notice his passing. His company mates formed a half circle around her, blocking her escape.

He smiled. Such fire. Too bad she wouldn’t live to use it against the Carja like her father had.

He struck quick as a glinthawk and scored her across her face, from her ear to her nose, with his knife. Too fast for her to do anything but drop the poker on her dead father’s body. He laughed when she realized her father made no sound, made no move as his skin and clothes sizzled. Laughed as she cried tears and blood into the shirt of the man who raised her. Who died trying to save her as she mulishly refused to run. Brave for a girl who looked to be only 10 sun cycles.

He offered up taunts, trying to see how long he could keep her crying. She was the last one in this village. After this there would be no fun to be had for another two weeks, as they consolidated their troops, healed wounds, and raided the village stores. Then they would move to the next slaughter. The next time he could feel anything again that wasn’t a void.

Finally she stopped sobbing and he saw the second her will to live left her. She didn’t bother to grab a weapon. She just looked up at him with dead eyes. Dead eyes like his own. He scowled. He hated it when this happened. It reminded him of things. Things he wanted to forget.

Before the inevitable begging for death began, he struck forward again. He drew a beautiful red smile across her throat, attempting to distract himself from her frown. That was better. That was right. Right?

Nil shook himself out of the memory. They were resurfacing again. The black parts of his memory. The truth of who he had been was slowly revealing itself to him. He wanted to vomit. Shaking hands moved to card through his hair only to encounter the feathers of his helmet. He sighed as he pulled his hands down and was about to go back to watching the bandits patrol their base when he caught sight of her.

He didn’t see a strider this time. She must have left it somewhere. Which means she didn’t intend to use it to fight the bandits? Odd.

He watched passively as she approached slowly, being careful to not draw the sentry’s attention up on the towers.

Her face was apprehensive. He smiled at her to try to relax her.

“I’m glad you came.” He kept his voice low. Steady.

She definitely didn’t relax. “You’re glad, why?”

“Call it a shared interest. And call me Nil.”

She blinked at his name, but her apprehension never left her face. She didn’t respond to give him her name. Disappointing, but she didn’t have reason to trust him, so fair enough. Before the silence could get awkward, he pointed to the camp entrance.

“Look there - those old rocks? A bandit clan squats under them. Disturb the rocks, and they come wriggling out, worms that they are.”

She looked once again where he pointed and tapped the piece of metal next to her ear. He noticed in her glance that she was mentally counting all the people she could see. Cataloguing entrances. Hiding places. Escape routes.

She was a hunter. She was experienced in tracking, fighting. This should prove interesting. She tapped the metal again before turning back to him. Maybe it was a nervous habit. It was an interesting piece of jewelry as he couldn’t see how it stayed on her skin.

“Bandits. Why have they come here?”

“The Nora are in trouble. Rumors spread like blood. With no braves to guard the border, killers hungry for sport slip right through.” He smiled grimly and ferally at her. He would not deflect from the fact that he fit squarely in that same category as the bandits. He saw her eyes narrow on him suspiciously. He continued when she didn’t speak.

“My partner and I shadowed these scum for days. Good tracker, but he went on ahead without me. We’d talked about this kind of behavior. Still, I understand. Leave it too long, your fingers itch for the bowstring. Say, how about you and I work together, kill them all?”

Her nose crinkled. Dare he say it was cute? Her face was scattered with freckles. Her disgust at his suggestion was palpable but it showed her naivete. Bandits lived by kill or be killed. These people wouldn’t hesitate to slay her on sight. So not an experienced hunter of people.

“I don’t know you. And I have no reason to trust you.”

Maybe not that naïve. Good. She seemed smart. Though why she stayed within grabbing range while stating she didn’t trust him was amusing. Did she underestimate his abilities or overestimate her own? And now that she was this close he could see a fresh red scar across her neck. He had to hold back his gorge at the most recent memory he had relived. Given the most potent of healing herbs accessible, that wound was at most a month old. And that was a wound that was given with the purpose of killing her. With malice, as you choke on your own blood, drown in it. What has this girl faced down?

“Trust is a rare egg to find, isn’t it? I’m just a traveler, with a bow, a concern about the state of these lands, and a missing partner.”

She sneered at him, taking in his kestrel-like armor. There was accusation in her eyes as she took in the red feathers of his helmet, his Carja silks, and his flinty pale eyes. “I don’t think you’re ‘just’ anything at all.”

Not wanting her to shy away he scrambled for words to calm her. “Hm. Let me put it this way. Are you a bandit?”

She looked so scandalized, it appeared that she forgot that she was supposed to be suspicious of him. He fought down a laugh. “Of course not!”

He held his hands up placatingly towards her, showing that they were empty of weapons. “Then you have nothing to fear from me.”

She settled back onto her heels, her face thoughtful as she mulled his roundabout offer over. After a minute of her glancing between him and the bandit camp and tapping her ear jewelry a couple more times, she nodded to herself. She looked up at him with her spirited green eyes, pulling him into their forested, mysterious depths. He could get lost in her if he wasn’t careful. And he had things he needed to do. Rights he needed to wrong.

“Alright. Someone has to stop them from hurting others.”

He couldn’t afford for her like him. And he couldn’t afford to like her. And from what little interaction they had, he could tell the last bit was too late. But having help clearing out the camp would be welcome. So the next words out of his mouth were uncouth, and horrible, and an attempt to frame all their future interactions. And it killed him inside because she seemed nice.

“And we will. We’ll stop them from doing anything, save screaming a while.”

She looked horrified. And her look was a knife to his heart. But this was how it was meant to be. He had to portray who he had been to those he encountered. Even if they didn’t know who he was. Even if he did want her to like him as the person he finally was.

But he did want to see what she could do, what she would do. She carried a spear and a bow. Her quiver was full of different arrows. She moved like a stalker, red hair blending into the grass when she approached him at his spot. Was she efficient? Savage, as the Carja liked to call her people? Would she run in? Sneak in?

“Go ahead and take the lead. I look forward to seeing what you’re capable of.”

She huffed at him but turned towards the camp, vanishing like the stalker she moved like. Her first arrow struck from far and struck true. It was a shot he would have struggled with. The sentry on the tower didn’t make a noise as his body struck the wood floor. Her next arrows took out two more bandits in quick succession right through the front gate. He hadn’t even seen one of them. How did she know the bandit was there?

As she slunk closer, a fox hunting rabbits, he stayed only close enough to observe her movements, her choices. She was magnificent. She made hunting into living art. Her draws were smooth and practiced. She was at home in her own skin and strength. He suspected that she could clear this camp all on her own and suffer no injuries.

He grinned darkly to himself. She made this look too easy. Time to up the stakes if she was already 4 bandits down in less than 5 minutes. As she stepped inside the gates, Nil gave a battle cry and ran forward to stab the closest warm body. Hissing as a loud noise went off in the middle of the camp, she ran past him. 

“That’s the alarm. Let them sound it and more will come running. It’s a gift,” he called as she ran forward.

“I thought you said I had nothing to fear from you! Why would you do that?”

His feral smile was the only answer she got as he threw himself into a pack of three men with nothing but his hunting knife. The first man he engaged with stabbed at him with a spear and over compensated with his strike. To his dismay, Nil easily side stepped his broadcasted hit and grabbed the spear, yanking the man further off balance and forward. Nil’s knife made contact between ribs and punctured his lung. As quickly as he struck, Nil whirled into the next poor soul stupid enough to step in front of him. The man wasn’t even able to so much as blink as Nil kicked his knees out then punched his knife straight into his throat. Nil yanked his blade out violently then slowly turned to the last bandit that was facing him.

He watched as the bandit paled and recognition entered his eyes. “You...the Butcher of the Daunt. The survivor Cinnabar Sands! You’re thought to be-”

The man was getting close to yelling out Nil’s sins. To maybe the one person in the whole Sacred Lands and Sundom who didn’t know who he was. He liked that she didn’t know. That she didn’t know to ask. So he didn’t have to admit to them. He threw his knife with perfect accuracy into the man’s eye. “Dead. I know. I thought I would be too. I wish I was, most days.”

He turned to watch as the Nora brave punched through bandits better than an arrow from a Sharpshot bow through armor. She was still breathtaking. But also terrifying. She wasn’t enjoying the blood bath but clearly there was rage buried beneath her skin. The bandits fell like wheat before the blade of her very clearly conditioned body. Within minutes the camp was cleared and shortly saw the Nora captives run past. He didn’t even need to tell her about them.

He couldn’t believe it. This girl...no...this woman was more dangerous than even him. Maybe more dangerous than...Helis…

As she wiped the blade of her spear on the last bandit she had killed, she snarled at him, her spirits having not settled after the fight yet. 

“Are you mad? Are all Carja mad? You could have gotten us killed.” She stood after she finished and stalked toward him and before he could even anticipate what she was going to do, she slammed the butt of her spear into the middle of his chest. The air left his lungs and he managed to not fall onto the ground but he quickly made space between them, trying to fill his lungs with air again so he could speak. He still smiled at her as something thrilled through him at the pain.

She whirled away and ran out of the camp as fast as she could go. Which was fast. But he was faster. His breath now returned, he sprinted out and managed to corner her where they first met outside. She had cooled down enough that she didn’t immediately hit him.

“Feels good doesn’t it? Hold it inside you one last breath, then let it out.”

She scowled at him, then her expression became pensive, almost sad. “I didn’t find your partner.”

She waited like he was in mourning. Which he wasn’t. Sad the man lost his life in idiocy yes, but not mourning. “They killed him. I’m hardly surprised. He was already getting cocky when we carved through the last bandit camp.” And he told him to not do that. Getting cocky gets you killed. Patience lets you live. “I thought he and I were agreed: only enjoy the killing as much as the challenge.” He winced inside.

His partner hadn’t been a good man. A good hunter. A good follower of the rules Nil set before him to prevent mass loss of innocent life. But not a good man.  “No great loss. Nothing in the wilds I can’t handle. Just me and the Voice of Our Teeth here.”

Pulling his bow from his back, he gave it an affectionate pat. It had belonged to his father. He had eschewed it as a soldier, but upon being released back into society he decided to carry it to remind him of why he was killing bandits. About the rules his father and mother had instilled in him. 

The woman looked at his bow, curious for once. “Your bow has a name?” 

He blinked at her. A lot of soldiers named their weapons. Granted they tended to name them after women. So maybe his family heirloom bearing the word teeth in its name was strange. He leaned toward her, looking at her bow. Its coils weren’t too strong but that hadn’t diminished her skill at all. He shuddered inside. If this living flame was this strong now...imagine what she could become. She was untested still. “Yours...doesn’t?”

She visibly steeled herself. “You’re not just a traveler.” She gestured at his armored vest and his helmet. “That armor was fitted for you. And the way you hold your bow…”

Looking down at the bow he held in his hands, he cursed the Shadows in his mind. She was going to ask. She was smart. But she just let the statement hang out there. Didn’t follow up with a dreaded question for him to bare himself to. He jumped at the opportunity to define himself on his own terms. Anyone else he might have just let the words spill out in a hot flood. But her...she was blissfully ignorant. “I said a concerned traveler. I was a soldier. But I was a soldier longer than there was a war if you follow.”

He was telling her a part of the truth anyways. He couldn’t lie to her. And because she had no Carja context… He looked her straight in the eyes, trying to push a truth to her that he couldn’t fully explain to anyone.

“Where the arrowhead passes between armor and skin - that is the place I belong. So I make opportunities to find it. It’s like coming home.”

Her brows drew together in confusion. Her lips pursed in contemplation. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. 

“Have you ever thought about hunting machines?”

Her question stopped him in his tracks. He couldn’t afford the distraction. Machines were dangerous and only getting more so, but they still rarely encroached on protected settlements. Bandits however.... Those were the bigger threat. They were unnecessarily cruel. They planned. 

“Eh, they don’t get that look in their eyes.”

Her face soured. She quickly changed direction again. She asked quite a few questions didn’t she? Curious little huntress.

“Did bandits...wrong you somehow?”

“They wrong us all. They live filthy lives, so they have to die that way too.” So he may have said that with a little too much gusto… The sour look just increased on her face. 

“So...you hunt them down to help others?”

Yes . He wanted to scream. “No no. For sport.” He didn’t think a face could look that sour. And it was edging back into simmering anger again. “I can’t wait for wars anymore. Life’s too short and the thrill of death sharp.” And Sun...some nights he prayed to not wake up to see the sun rise.

“If you kill a tribesman, there’ll be retribution. Hunt a boar, they complain if you waste the meat. But bandits? They’re vicious. They always put up a fight. And no one cares if you kill them.”

He heard her puff out an exasperated sigh and her sour look loosened but didn’t disappear. “I guess you're doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.”

He was doing the right thing for the right reasons. He just wasn’t allowed to tell anyone.

“I’m doing what I love. And what could be wrong with that?”

His soul was shriveling up. This rarely happened when he was forced to speak of the things he did and why he did them. Why was this happening with her?

Her anger suddenly boiled over as she stood up abruptly. “We’re done here.” She turned and walked quickly away from him.

He called out after her. “Here? I’m afraid so. But we live in a world of ruins, huntress. Bandits are drawn to them like infection to a wound. You wouldn’t let that infection set in, would you? I’m sure we’ll meet again.”

She whirled toward him as she reached the road. “Maybe. If it can’t be helped.”

His heart stuttered. Mission success. She hated him.

“If we pass each other, we’ll know it by our work.”

Another sneer and she continued into the distance.

“Good hunting. Whoever you are.” Nil whispered quietly to himself. Once she was out of sight, he turned back to the camp. Now. To let the Outcasts of the Nora know that they had a safe place to stay now. Then back to hunting his salvation. Or his demise.

----------

The only bandits he really ran into recently were small bands along the road. As he traveled around he found that people were beginning to whisper of a raging fire in the form of a Nora woman saving settlements from machines and Shadow Carja. A huntress and bringer of justice in a world that had little. Their voices were worshipful. A Nora Outcast helping Carja. Helping Oseram. Helping Banuk.

A Seeker named Aloy. Hair like the sun and eyes like the deepest parts of The Jewel. A machine tamer. A machine slayer.

The craziest one he caught wind of was that she had helped a female Hawk of the Lodge down the feared Redmaw. A thunderjaw of legend. Just the two of them. And it was mostly Aloy who did the work but gave the trophy to Talanah Khane Padish, allowing her to wrest control of the Lodge to herself.

It was about time that stuffy place saw a change in leadership. Rumors that came in and out of Sunstone Rock said that the old Sunhawk was an absolute ass.

But a thunderjaw. The red haired woman who cleared an entire bandit camp in less than 20 minutes with him. He was right. She would be radiant when she hit her stride. He wanted to see every amazing thing she did himself. He wanted to pick her brain about everything she had done, why she had done it. There was a lot he only knew second hand about her.

He meandered for a couple hours pondering what he would ever say to her if he came across her again. He had indeed seen her work on the side of the road. Machines expertly dissected better than any Lodge Hunter. Even a couple of bandit camps. Sometimes he even encountered a tamed machine. But he always barely missed her. The graze of her passing cut him deeply.

Despite his good deeds in wiping bandits from the countryside, everyone recognized who he used to be. They looked at him with terror in their eyes. Aloy though…

She may look at him with disgust but she wasn’t afraid of him.

He finally caught sight of a plume of smoke in the distance. Finally. More filth to wipe out of the Sundom. He picked up a jog. Maybe she would show up. He could only hope.

--------

He sat and planned how he was going to get in. It was a rather dangerous and easily defensible location. 

Only his years as a soldier allowed him to catch the unnatural movement in the red heathers moving toward him. A bandit? Or...someone actually stealthy but telegraphing their approach?

He took a chance and idly stood watching the movement, making no aggressive moves. He smirked as his suspicions were confirmed and a head of fiery hair popped out of the tall grass. Her green eyes looked upset to find him there smirking at her.

“I saw some of the places you’d been. The new settlers have no appreciation of craft. They’d already piled your work in a ditch.”

She rolled her eyes at him. In a way he wanted to view this as a game. How far could he push her and not have her leave. Maybe have her view him as a unique oddity? Something that was broken but not beyond repair? 

“But I knew the signs to look for. The scrabble in the dirt...those surprised splashes. I did tell you we’d meet again.”

She sighed, seeming to take his strangeness in stride. A far cry from the disgust she had originally given him when they met. “Nil. Still hunting bandits?”

“Oh yes. I’ve been sharpening my blade, anticipating the scent of the fight. Don’t get me wrong, these scum are odorous. A little panic and desperation really sets it off though.” He grinned as she looked a little grossed out. “Like an incense.” She visibly gagged but there was no anger at him now. She quickly redirected the conversation.

“So...what’s your knife called?”

Oh now he just wanted to mess with her. “Why would someone name a knife?” It was called Pointy. It has served him well.

He heard her groan...affectionately? “So much for small talk.” She gave him a small smile and gestured towards the camp.

“Are you ready, huntress?”

She sashayed past him confidently. “Just don’t think this means I enjoy it,” she said warmly to him, loosing her first arrow into a bandit archer. She gave him an arch look and winked at him.

It felt like she was challenging him. It thrilled him more than he would care to admit. He gave her a large toothy smile this time. “Don’t worry, we’ll take your secret to their graves.”

This time he followed her lead closely, both using their bows from a distance to knock out the outer sentries. He still didn’t know how she saw even half of the bandits she took out. She periodically tapped her ear jewelry and sometimes even seemed to draw lines with her fingers in the air. Told him when to hold off going around a corner, for him to be surprised that there was in fact a bandit sitting there, oblivious to Nil’s and Aloy’s existence. It was like magic what she could do.

She was a legend made flesh. She was omnipotent. He decided right there that she was his new Sun. And he would be her Shadow until he had finished off his quest. He could then die happy.

As they carved their way quickly through the camp, working like a machine together, it pleased him that they read each other so well. This was only the third time in each other's presence. It took years for some Carja soldiers to mesh so well.

This was a thrill he had never felt before while fighting. A thrill of belonging. Of doing good alongside someone. It was a high and he wanted more of it. Too soon the fighting drew to a close, Aloy finishing off the last bandit. She turned to find him staring as if he was more interested in the life leaving her prey than in her being a fantastic Sun blessed predator.

She gulped and dropped the body, acting ashamed for doing the Sundom a great service. She walked out, tears gathering in her eyes. She didn’t appear to be running so he let her draw ahead and exit the camp.

Once again, he met her back at the place they met up. She was composed, but looked dazed, her battle fever drawing away from her.

“Remember how the blood pounded in your ears? They’ll ring later, in the calm.” Her eyes refocused on him. “It’s a call to arms, from your inner desires.”

She chuffed good-naturedly. “Or a cry for help?” He grinned at her. It certainly was a call for help. His ears rang constantly ever since he started talking to Janeva. They only faded in the midst of combat, when his focus was completely elsewhere.

“I wouldn’t fight it.”

Now she smirked at him. “I can tell. So you used to be a soldier. You fought for the Carja?”

His grin froze on his face. He thought they had sufficiently skirted this topic. Was omitting the whole truth considered lying? So he decided to be as cryptic as he could. “For them, against them. An empire always finds its wars. You can’t be picky. The new king, Avad, saw things differently. Called an investigation into ‘war crimes.’ Aren’t all wars a crime to someone?” He paused for a second, letting that sink into himself. “Still I raised my hand and volunteered.”

Aloy had mastered a neutral face as he spoke. Like she was reserving her Light of judgment upon him. “You volunteered...to investigate?”

He sighed deeply before he could stop himself, regret on his face before he school it. He wiped it quickly away but he was sure she caught the flash of it. “No. I volunteered my confession. No sense wasting time with an investigation. I was sent to Sunstone Rock for two years. The trade was fair.” Liar.  There were still people from the fall of Jiran in there. They had committed far less crimes than he. But they were also not repentant for what they did.

“What were these things you did, Nil?”

“Acceptable things under the circumstances.” What a non-answer. He wasn’t supposed to skirt the truth like this.

“Acceptable to who?”

He stopped himself from squirming under her scrutiny.

“I don’t make decisions. Let’s just say that the rules of engagement suited me. But rules are important. A structure...a cage. Direction. Otherwise… You know those places - lonely places where people once were, now just a hole cut in the world? Chances are, I was there.”

He watched her swallow as she attempted to keep her face neutral. He could see her leaning ever so slightly away from him. “They sent you to a rock for two years? Is this some kind of Carja ritual?”

He shook his head, chuckling grimly. “No, no, Sunstone Rock is a prison. South of Meridian, South of the Raingathers.” He watched her tap her jewelry once again, seeming to stare at nothing. “Our Sun King is a believer in rehabilitation.”

Her gaze became pointed at him once again and he noticed her meaningfully glancing between him and the bandit camp. She wasn’t wrong...but Sunstone Rock was only so big. The Sundom, even though it had carved deep wounds in other tribes, had also carved deep wounds in itself. There were only so many trained soldiers. Only so many cells.

“As am I.” He was now the one staring into nothing. “In the heat of a stone cell, in the dark - I learned to focus on what was truly important to me.” She seemed to notice his attention wandering, his voice softening.

“Have you found a new partner yet?”

He glanced slyly at her. “I thought we were partners?”

She smiled tiredly at him. “I have my own roads to follow, Nil.”

“And they seem to lead back to bandits. That works for me. I’m not suggesting a Carja wedding.” Nil almost swallowed his own tongue. I’m not suggesting a Carja wedding. What in the Shadows was coming out of his mouth? Was he insane? She was looking at him like he was insane. Quickly, to cover up his slip. “I’m never lonely where there’s killing to be done.”

She looked relieved. He felt relieved. He was mentally beating his own face in. Who blurts that out?

“Time to move on.” She turned to walk away. The sun was setting, making her fiery hair glow. Nil reached out and grabbed her wrist gently and immediately let it go once he stopped her from walking away. She turned to look at him questioningly.

“A brief encounter for us, but an end for them. They were squalid lives anyways. But huntress, would you stay the night around a campfire with me and talk? You know much of me, I only have hearsay about you.”

She looked at him warily. “Hearsay huh? Why do you want to know about me?”

“I admire you. You are a fine hunter. You have an impeccable sense of honor and justice. And you have abilities that defy my imagination. And you always seem to be on the move, looking for something, searching. You've never even given me your name.”

She turned to fully face him and took her time answering, staring deep into his eyes the whole time. Like she was divining his every thought. Sifting through his soul and weighing every scrap she could see against her inner scales of justice. Her brows were scrunched together in thought.

Finally she relaxed. “Very well, Nil. Where shall we set up camp?”

He gestured to the cliffs looming over the camp to the north. “I already have a set up on the rise there next to the running water. There’s a small alcove in the rocks that hid my campfire reasonably well at night while I was observing the bandit camp. Also next to a grazer site which provided me some unintended protection from wanderers in the night.”

Aloy nodded, again tapping at her jewelry. “Alright. Lead the way. As you are asking me to bare some truths to you, I suggest you go get dinner. I’ve plenty of blaze and ridgewood so I will stoke the campfire.”

He chuffed at her. Fair enough. Demanding though. He eyed her with good humor then began walking towards the cliffs. Once there, the huntress floored him again with her skills.

Without pointing out exactly where his camp was nestled in the rocks, the red haired woman scaled them like a Shadow cursed lizard. Or like one of those mountain goats he heard about from the Cut. It was as easy as walking to her. As breathing. He knew the Nora were formidable, but to see it in action…

Carja claimed to call them savages because of their worship of a mountain instead of the Sun. He thinks they called them savages because they were something to be feared. The Nora never desired to leave their homeland. But imagine if they ever committed their intense focus against another tribe… Meridian was protected by being on a mesa. A mesa the Nora would laugh at as they climbed the whole way up. It was sobering.

When she reached the top ledge, she stood up and looked down at him, a large smile on her face. “I found your nook. Rather small but it’ll work. I’d like turkey for dinner, please and thank you.”

“So demanding, huntress. Your wish is my command.” He bowed deeply to her, then turned, unslinging Voice of Our Teeth from his back. “I’ll be back before the sun fully sets.”

With that, he crouched, disappearing into the red heathers, arrow knocked, the hunt reentering his blood.

------------------------

It’s like turkeys actively avoided this area. But maybe that made sense considering the bandit camp had probably hunted the area clear of the more tasty game animals. He’d had to range across a larger tributary and almost bungled into some tramplers before he’d found a cursed turkey.

He slowly approached his camp, trying to not bang the fowl too much in his clumsy climbing and paused when he heard her humming and singing softly.

“No one knows what it’s like...to be mistreated, to be defeated...behind blue eyes…”

He froze. Though her singing wasn’t anything to write the estate about, it was still pleasant. Husky and low. His breath caught up in his chest, his blood pounded in his ears. He’d wait for a few minutes to hear what else she would hum.

“And no one knows how to say...that they're sorry and don't worry...I'm not telling lies. But my dreams they aren't as empty...as my conscience seems to be...I have hours, only lonely...my love is vengeance...that's never free. No one knows what it’s like...to be the bad man...to be the sad man...behind blue eyes.”

Her voice faded away and he now only heard the crackle of the fire and the sound of his soul splintering. It physically hurt for some reason, deep in his chest. It was a strange song, nothing he’d expect any Nora to sing, much less any tribe. It sounded like a lament.

“I know you’re there, Nil. I don’t bite.”

He pressed his forehead against the rock face in front of them, trying to compose himself. Finally he called back. “I do.” He finally walked into the light of the fire and held out the turkey to her.

“Your dinner huntress.”

“Aloy. My name is Aloy.”

He gave her a small smile. “Aloy. Though I had already guessed at your name, as it’s spreading all over the Sundom.”

She took the dressed turkey from him and deftly spit it to roast over the fire, taking herbs and salt from her pouch and rubbing them all over the meat. “I figured as much, Carja. So. What do you want to know? I suspect that you may not be satisfied with some of the answers I will give you as it requires knowledge that you might not have or will conflict with your values.”

“Well, let’s start with that lament you just sang? Is that a Nora song?”

She chuckled tiredly. “No. It’s not. But explaining what it is, is one of those things I suspect you will not understand the answer to. So maybe I can start at the beginning. You’re the first person to ever ask about me, and not just demand that I do some dangerous task for them.”

“I did ask you to clear two bandits camps with me…”

“You didn’t beg or demand. And you made it clear that I was free to refuse with no hard feelings. Because you were capable of doing it on your own. And you didn’t make me do it by myself. When I accepted, I accepted because you made it clear that we were equals. And that is something...I have had little of my entire life. And I enjoyed that.” She caught him grinning at her and scrunched her nose at him. “Not the killing of bandits, you sick man. That you didn’t treat me as less or even as more. Just as...a friend...a regular person.” She drifted off for a second, staring into the fire, idly turning the turkey.

“I am an Outcast of the Nora. The Nora revere mothers, and long story short, I was born without one. This made me special in ways the High Matriarchs couldn’t reconcile with each other and the Nora ways. So the easiest thing they could do, was cast me out of the tribe. They gave me to another Outcast, named Rost.”

“Wait...motherless? A mother dying in childbirth got you cast out of the tribe?”

Aloy shook her head. “No. Literally motherless. And fatherless. I'll explain in a bit if it still interests you to know. Anyways, Rost raised me. I was lucky that a High Matriarch believed I wasn’t a curse and allowed Rost to give me a name much to the shock and anger of her fellow Matriarchs. He was a hard man, but Outcast life was hard so it was just what it was. His love for me was shown in training me to be the best possible Nora hunter. Because I wanted in the tribe so badly. I wanted to ask the Matriarchs a boon desperately. With my whole being. If an Outcast adolescent passes the Proving, they are allowed back into the tribe. If any adolescent wins the Proving, they can ask anything of the High Matriarchs that is within their power to answer or give. So Rost trained me. Day after day, week after week, for years. Ran me ragged, threw me at machines as young as he could. And I did it with relish. Finally, I was old enough to run the Proving. And I won it. But then…”

Her hand drifted up to clutch a necklace, then drifted further up to ghost her fingers over the now white scar across her throat. He waited patiently, not interrupting. Tears entered her eyes.

“There were explosions. And men, wearing strange armor, with strange symbols drawn on them. Most of the newly appointed braves were slaughtered. But I found that they were just unlucky collateral. Those men...they wanted ME. Me specifically. I managed to use this against them to help the last of my peers escape back down the mountain, to tell the rest of the braves that the Proving had been attacked. I took down many men. But it wasn’t enough. Their leader downed me. Grabbed me. Slit my throat and dangled me over the cliff, telling me to turn my face to the Sun.”

Nil suddenly let an angry growl out. That is something a Carja would say. This woman was almost killed by a Carja! And yet she never struck out at him despite this. Aloy gave a small smile at his interruption. “You were not the one who attacked me, Nil. You’ve done nothing to warrant my animosity.” Nil calmed himself and gestured for her to continue.

“Rost showed up right as I was going to be dropped. Shot an arrow into the man’s shoulder so he dropped me at his feet, instead of off the cliff. The leader and Rost fought viciously. Yet Rost lost. Got a knife to his stomach and was dropped to the snow to die. The man brought a whole cart of blaze and parked it near us to finish us off. When he left, Rost managed to drag himself over to me. Told me to survive. Then shoved me over the very cliff he saved from being thrown off of. My last sight of him was his shadow wreathed in flames.” She was openly crying now. But it appeared that it was healing to her. To talk about what happened. And he knew what a relief it was, having been through the process himself.

“I awoke inside All-Mother. A place only the High Matriarchs are allowed. I had been unconscious for a week. High Matriarch Teersa met with me. Told me that despite the atrocity that occured, I still won the Proving. And beyond that, the new braves had spoken of what I did for them. How I and two others had given them a chance to escape. That it was the All-Mother’s will I survived an explosion and a fall from her sides.” She laughed bitterly. “Teersa said I had earned my boon. But all I wanted was Rost back. He came back for me after saying he would disappear after I finished the Proving, so I wouldn’t be tempted to talk to him. He saved me. I wanted my adopted father back. And I knew it was something she couldn’t give me. So I asked who my mother was and why I had been cast out. And her answer was so...crazy… so insane. I thought she was insane, Nil. And that so were the other two High Matriarchs. They said my mother was THE MOUNTAIN. That 18 years ago, the large metal doors in the mountain opened wide and there I lay before them, swaddled. They didn’t know what to do with me. Was I a blessing birthed from the All-Mother? Or was I a motherless curse? So they compromised. They wouldn’t kill me. They gave me to a Death Seeker to raise, for he was Outcast by choice and not by law.”

He sat there in shock. This woman...she wasn’t lying to him. What she was speaking, she spoke as if it were the truth.

“Teersa brought me before the doors. A strange light came out of the door and moved over me from head to toe. And a female voice called out that it didn’t recognize me.”

“But you told me your name is Aloy.”

Aloy shrugged helplessly at him. “I was given the Seeker title so that I could leave the Sacred Lands and still return. I was given leave to find out why the door called out that there was an error. Also…”

She reached up and pulled her ear jewelry off. She shifted it around in her fingers. “While I was in the mountain I found at least a partial reason why I was targeted. And here is where things are going to get even more strange for you.”

“What is that? I see you play around with it constantly when we clear the bandit camps. I thought maybe you use it to focus yourself, your attention. To ground yourself in reality.”

Her laughter rang loud in the small camp. “That’s what it is. A Focus. It’s a piece of the Old Ones, the Ancients, the Metal World. And it still works. It’s hard to explain what it is. So…”

She stood up and walked around the fire to where he sat. He maintained stillness, looking at her curiously. “I am going to put this on you Nil, so you can see what I see. It is going to be overwhelming. There will be light everywhere, and glyphs floating around you in midair, made of light. It will be like magic.”

She paused with it hovering over his right ear, looking at him for his permission. He was too intrigued to even think about saying no. The jewelry was a machine. And it worked. He nodded his permission. She brought it only slightly closer when he felt it lightly smack onto his skin. He felt it stick and a zing of electricity stung him for only moment. But then…

The Light. A purple field all around him for a short distance. Aloy’s form was nothing but a purple shadow. When he focused on her, a box popped up, with glyphs appearing. He then turned around and looked over at the grazers nearby and saw that they too were lit up, parts of them blue, others highlighted in yellow. Another box popped up with more glyphs. The cheater Nora could see through walls. He smiled and laughed.

“I knew you could see through walls Aloy. I thought I was crazy.”

He heard a sigh of relief leave her. Bone deep relief. “Thank the All-Mother that you didn’t panic. I was afraid you were going to panic. So many spurn the teachings and technology of the Old Ones."

He reached up on his own and tapped the Focus off. "This is how you track better than any human Hunter I've ever encountered. Is it how you tame machines? Do all Nora have these? What else can it do?"

Aloy laughed again, and Nil had to fight down a blush. If he thought she was the Sun before, joy on her face and in her voice was a thousand Suns.

He was also mortified at his rapid fire questions. It was a part of his old nature that was slowly resurfacing after years of neglect. He wanted to know her, all about her. It wasn't even about relaying information on to his Sun-King anymore. He'd already heard rumors when he recently passed close to Meridian that the huntress had unfettered access to the King.

Something about the Oseram woman who used to lead the Vanguard and had disappeared.

"I do not directly tame machines with it. Though I think it does play a part." She turned the turkey to it's other side before it could burn. Once finished she grabbed her spear and pointed at the bottom where a black box was wired on. "This allows me to 'override' or tame machines. To tame more machines, I have to go to Cauldrons and override their core. I hope to soon be able to tame stormbirds and thunderjaws but that means I will need to be comfortable killing one in close quarters."

"I could help." Why would he say that? What about being around her caused Shadow cursed words to spill out of his mouth without his permission?

Aloy smirked. "I thought your only acceptable prey walked on two legs and had a heartbeat and screamed when you poked them with your knife?"

"I mean...a thunderjaw walks on two legs and I'm sure you'll go out of your way to convince me it has a heartbeat and screams when you stick it with the pointy end. Also… It's so big. And fast. That does sound like a worthy challenge."

Checking the doneness of the turkey before she replied, she chuckled. "You're not wrong. I probably would try to convince you. Even if I knew you would turn me down. Turkey needs some more time. As for what else a Focus can do… Once again I request that you not panic after I walk you through this. Bring the lights back up on the Focus and find the glyphs along the top. It will feel strange but use your hand to reach out and tap on the set of glyphs that are the second to the right."

He tapped the Focus and the world around him muted as color and light flashed before his eyes. He found the glyphs she spoke of and reached out. 

"Datapoints?"

As he tapped it, a bunch more glyphs and symbols appeared. He could read most of it. There was so much information. Some of the entries had words he couldn't understand. Some had bars with a little triangle next to it.

"It is a library of sorts. Look for one labeled Happy Birthday Isaac. I warn you now that what you will see isn't real. What you will see is like a recording of a voice and body and not just written words. It took place back in the times of the Old Ones."

He nodded his understanding.

"Tap the triangle."

He tapped the triangle and gaped as a man made of light appeared before him. Spoke to him. Called him Isaac and apologized and wished him a happy birthday.

When the man vanished he tapped the Focus back off. "That lament…?"

She grinned. "I found a repository of their music. It was badly damaged but the Focus can, given time, fix most of it. The repository was labeled 'Classics and Oldies'. Don't know what they meant by that. But…"

She worried her bottom lip between her teeth, looking conflicted. She then shook her head. "Never mind. That lament is actually one of their many songs. They had so many Nil. And the music… Their instruments must have been amazing. Whenever I am in a place I know is safe, I play more songs. That Focus stores knowledge. I would argue that is the more important function than even seeing through walls. I am still a fantastic tracker without it and will hunt without it to keep my skills up. As for the Nora possessing Focus's…"

She reached out and plucked it off of him, taking care to not touch his face. She sat back down and stared sadly at it. "I found this in some ruins I fell in as a child. I had it for years and never saw another like it until right before the Proving. I met an Oseram man who had one. I tried to ask him about it but he dodged my questions. Then the man…" She swallowed and brought her hand up to her scar on her throat, running her finger over it in memory. "The man who killed Rost and almost killed me had one also. I found that out after I woke up in the mountain. The Focus showed him giving orders to eliminate me. Because I looked like an Old One. She looked like me and sounded like me, but older. I thought she was my mother… But how could she be, when she lived hundreds of years ago?"

She gave a shuddering sigh. "I found the Oseram man. His name is Olin. And he was working for a fanatical faction of Shadow Carja called the Eclipse. He didn't do it willingly, his refusal to answer my questions was him trying to save my life. They had his wife and child held hostage to make him dig up terrifying machines that serve no purpose except to kill people. Machines that look nothing like the ones we grew up around. Spider-like legs and a scorpion tail. No blue calm light. And they have enslaved regular machines to their will too. I hate the Eclipse. I hate that they attacked the Nora just to get at me. I hate that they killed Rost. And I hate that they almost succeeded in killing me. I am doing everything in my power to bring them down.”

Nil smirked at her. “That includes killing bandits with a bloodthirsty ex-soldier as your partner?”

She rolled her eyes and put her Focus back on. “No. But I don’t see any Carja soldiers doing it. Only you."

Again he caught her looking contemplatively at him, her lip being worried between her teeth. "I think I find clearing bandits out with you to be cathartic. And it's strange to think that, because I am reaping life which is something I typically try to avoid. But for a period of time I can pretend that the world isn't asking me to save it. I can just be me. Not have someone staring greedily at me, wondering what they can get out of me. Or staring at me like I'm above them. Placed on a pedestal to be admired, but never interacted with."

She paused, clearly more to say, but it seemed...stuck in her throat. She stared into the flames.

He sat and waited, enjoying the warmth of fire as the temperature dropped precipitously around them. He kept an eye on their dinner as she wasn't paying attention too much.

After a few minutes, he leaned forward to pull the bird off the flames. The words that were stuck in her throat, unstuck themselves and he almost gave their dinner to the coals.

"Avad asked me to be his queen."

Once he safely put the turkey down, he just stared at her. He didn't know what to say or feel about that statement. And that was a big statement. And absolutely none of his business. And yet she was now staring at him, desperation in her eyes, like he held answers to that insane statement, like he could save her.

He fought off the desire to clear his throat which now felt thick, his chest squeezing uncomfortably. "And? Did you accept?"

She shook her head. "He told me that Ersa, his old Captain of the Vanguard, was his lover. I couldn't save her when I went looking for her after her disappearance. When I delivered the news to Avad, he seemed to go into shock. In the same conversation as telling him that she was dead, he begged me to be his queen. I… Declined. Thankfully Avad is a good man and took my refusal with grace."

His chest loosened. "He is a good man. And the Sundom would gain much with you as queen. Avad, with his mercy for those who will take it. And you, to tear out the throats of those who would take advantage of that mercy. He knows you would solidify his rule which is still in contention with his brother Itamen held hostage at Sunfall by Shadow Carja."

She had been looking displeased at him, at his agreeableness toward Avad's offer, until he mentioned Itamen. "Avad has a brother? And they aren't together?"

Thankful for the change in conversation, Nil began dividing their dinner up. He handed a portion to the huntress, and held his own portion in his bowl to cool. "The Mad King had three sons, all from different women. The eldest, Kadaman, was killed in the Sunring for daring to stand against his father. This led to Avad fleeing Meridian to save his own life, as he was also vocally against his father. This left Itamen behind as Jiran's only legitimate heir. And young enough to be moulded as Jiran and the Sun Priests saw fit. When Jiran fell to Avad's sword, the Sun Priests in Shadow stole Itamen and his mother away to Sunfall, in the hopes of undoing all the good Avad has done since he took the throne. And this is why Avad has not moved to wipe out the Shadow Carja. He fears for his brother, who is still very young. And he believes that some that exiled themselves can still be brought back to the Light given time."

"But Itamen can become dangerous if left too long…" Aloy thoughtfully bit into her dinner.

Nil nodded.

"You know a lot about the politics of the Sundom for being a wandering ex-soldier who was locked away for two years."

"I spoke much with the Warden while I was a Prisoner of the Sun. And I listen for whispers of you wherever I go, wondering when I will run into you on the road again. And in listening, I pick other information up. None of it really interests or concerns me at this point. I have my hobby and that is all I need."

She looked at him, not with pity, but with sadness. "You are capable of much more than killing bandits."

He growled at her insinuation that he could possibly be good before he finished his task. "But as you stated huntress, who else is bothering to lance the cysts of infection that are popping up in the places I have left bereft of all life? Remember? Lonely places? Holes in the world?"

That sadness immediately turned into rage. She stood and threw the rest of her dinner into the fire, seething at him. "You said you served your time. That you had learned to focus on what was truly important to you!"

He stood also. "And what's to say that what was important to me was something that you would find agreeable? I was and am and will likely always be a killer, Huntress. I just happen to be a killer of killers now. And I relish each life I take, savor it. Is that what a hero sounds like to you? A good man?"

She was still full of rage at him, but she also looked stricken at his diatribe. Between gritted teeth she whispered, "You could still be good enough."

She then grabbed her gear and stalked out into the darkness, leaving him with teeth clenched, cursing himself for letting his anger get a hold of him, and her for daring to assume that he could ever be the hero, the good man, after all the voids he carved out of the world, screaming and begging for mercy or at least a quick death that he almost never gifted them with, with the exception of a select few. Certainly not before the Daunt. After that event… He only played at being the terror he usually was, but he still killed so many.

His hands clenched and unclenched helplessly before he caved, grabbed his bow, and also stalked out into the darkness, killing every bit of wildlife he came across to try to soothe the strange hurt caused by her misplaced faith in him. 

A good man wouldn't do this.

But she only said good enough.

He dressed his kills after his rage had spent itself and took them into the bandit camp, clearing the dead bodies away. He left the animal carcasses where they could easily be found by whoever decided to settle in this cesspit.

Good enough…

----

No one knows what it's like

To be hated

To be fated

To telling only lies

But my dreams

They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely

My love is vengeance

That's never free

No one knows what it's like

To feel these feelings

Like I do

And I blame you

No one bites back as hard

On their anger

None of my pain and woe

Can show through

~Behind Blue Eyes by The Who

Chapter Text

It took Aloy four days to calm down. She didn't even bother to grab a strider or charger while she traveled south and west. She ran every day until she collapsed of exhaustion in the increasingly hot and humid jungle. When she found a clearing where three stalkers hunted, she fought and dismantled them in record time. Then she screamed for what felt like hours but was likely only minutes into the trees. She didn't find any dinner that night.

What in All Mother had she been thinking? Nil? An ex-soldier who admitted to wiping entire settlements of people off the map during the Red Raids? Her own people included? Who had watched the life leave one of the men's eyes she had killed with something akin to awe?

She thought she had seen remorse and regret on his face a couple of times during their conversation. Thought she had seen sadness. She liked him. A lot. He was respectful of her abilities. He let her take the lead and supported her moves and decisions with only minimal and often valid criticism. He seemed honest in his few interactions with her and never made her feel unsafe.

It had taken a month of traveling after her first meeting with him to come to terms with the fact that he wasn't wrong to kill bandits. She had at least two scars from getting jumped by the assholes despite her trying to talk them down. So when she had encountered him at Shattered Kiln, she wasn't put off by what he did. Her hands weren't clean either. She had wanted to let Olin die in the attempt to free his family. Wanted it so badly. But she finally decided to let him wait it out behind a boulder while she cleaned up his mess.

She was tired. So tired. She wanted to disappear from the Sundom and the Sacred Lands and let them clean up their own messes.

But then she'd run into a pile of corpses stacked so neatly and purposefully to the side of the road like some sort of grotesque shrine, and remember that she wasn't the only one out there cleaning up messes.

She was cleaning up Sylens' and Eclipse's messes. Nil was cleaning up his own as far as she could tell. She didn't buy that he loved killing for the sake of killing. There was something else going on there. And it hurt that he threw her belief that he wasn't an entirely bad man despite his past, in her face.

He may as well have spat on her. Despite not having grown up around people, she found she was a good reader of them. So Nil confused her. And confusion led to curiosity. And curiosity was something she couldn't let go of, even if she was mad.

She was like a glinthawk gnawing on scrap when she found something or someone she wanted to puzzle out. Couldn't leave it well enough alone. 

She had wanted to tell him that when she first heard that song she hummed and sang out loud, that it had reminded her of him.

Glad she hadn't now. For someone who she had only interacted a small amount with, he surely got under her well crafted armor with ease. It was unnerving how much she thought about him.

She scanned with her Focus around her and picked up distressed yells and the sounds of larger machines trampling around.

She sighed. "Oh joy. Here I go, saving people from themselves again."

As she jogged closer she saw what looked like a military post. Carja soldiers were getting knocked around by two angry tramplers and were accomplishing nothing except making them more angry. 

How the Carja managed to decimate her people was beyond her if this was all they were capable of.

Sighing as they recognized her from a distance and begged her, she did their job for them and quickly dispatched the machines.

Once she had stripped them of any good scrap, she approached one of the men who had been used as a machine enrichment toy.

He welcomed her to Sunrock, thanked her for saving their useless hides, and directed her to speak with the Warden.

"How long has the Warden been here?"

"Janeva has served His Radiance, Sun-King Avad for nearly three sun cycles."

Aloy nodded her thanks and walked away abruptly, not paying attention to the fact that the guard had wanted to tell her something before she left.

When she spoke to Janeva, she immediately wanted to eat glinthawk and knew why the guard wanted to tell her something. Janeva was someone who wanted to exist only in the trappings of themselves. Not bound by the tedious trappings of Carja gender roles. 

Which Aloy could get behind, because too many Carja men assumed she was inept. Navigating the conversation without offending Janeva took some effort, but only because it was an interaction she wasn't used to.

Janeva thanked her for her assistance in clearing out the tramplers, then did the expected, and asked Aloy to do a Warden's job for them by chasing after escaped convicts. Though Aloy was taken aback that she was asked to kill them. 

Janeva explained that they had their chance at reform and had spurned it. 

Which brought a reformed convict back into her thoughts.

"Do you know a hunter named Nil? He told me about this place."

Janeva gave a proud smile at Aloy. "Nil? That’s what he calls himself now?"

Aloy was taken aback, her face one of shock. "Nil isn't his real name?"

The Warden shook their head. "No. It's not. What did you want to know?"

Aloy wondered that Janeva didn't even bother to give Nil's real name.

"Well… His real name would be nice. And also what you know of him. I've helped him clear out a couple of bandit camps. He's…an unusual and secretive man. Though he did tell me he was a soldier in the Raids, that he killed many people with joy in his heart, and that he fought against Avad before ending up here for two years."

The Warden tilted their head acknowledging her questions, but appeared to be sorting out their next words carefully. "His real name is his own, so I cannot give it to you. He told you the truth of who he was before he entered my care. He was born under a long and dark shadow. But he is...not a knife without a thought behind it, despite his actions before prison. I had two years to talk through his sins with him. He had honor. Old fashioned. His time here...boiled it to the surface. I helped hone him into what he is now. Which may be more than you realize."

"Is he...a good person?"

"He is good enough until he decides he is more. And that is all I'm willing and able to speak about him. His stories and sins and name are his to give. Not mine."

Aloy was suspicious of how the Warden was carefully avoiding answering her questions in full. They were protecting Nil. But why? Why protect him?

She wasn't going to get any more answers out of Janeva, so she gave her farewell to the pragmatic, tight-lipped Warden and went off to try to talk some escaped convicts into coming back to finish their sentence.

---------

Why did people do what wasn't in their best interest? Constantly .

Except Ullia, who clearly believed dying at the tip Aloy's blade was in her best interest. Something about Ullia struck a nerve in her. It felt oddly like a blip of the future letting her catch a glimpse. Because who else did she know that claimed to revel in death and killing?

But Nil wouldn't. He had a goal that had no ending. But she paused.

Nil wanted to clear the bandit camps. He loved the challenge in fighting other people. So… What happened when there were no more bandit camps in the Sundom and surrounding lands? Would he leave in search of foreign bandits? Join a far off war for a worthy cause so he could kill more?

Or…

She looked down at Ullia's blank eyes staring up into the noon sun, rapture frozen on her face, and a chill shot down her spine.

She took a lock of Ullia's hair as proof of her kill for Janeva. Ullia fought like a thunderjaw and likely lived like one too, terrorizing and killing everyone in her path. How she had gotten captured alive was a mystery, as this woman had welcomed her death in a fight. Was proud to die by a worthy opponent's hand.

So proud, she admitted to wanting Aloy as a daughter. So proud, she asked Aloy to drink her blood. Which, of course, Aloy wouldn't do. But, she had some respect despite how awful Ullia was. She was unapologetically Tenakth and Ullia . Proud. Fierce. And not afraid to die like she lived.

Aloy paused only a second before she fished out an unused piece of armor she had been lugging around. Quickly cutting off a clean square of hide, she mopped up some of the blood from her killing wound, then tied the scrap around her spear to dry.

Maybe, if Aloy was ever bested by a Tenakth in battle, her dying breaths could tell the story of fierce Ullia, and let her stories be passed back to her people by consuming the blood left on the leather.

Aloy doubted that would happen, but it felt right to do.

She started walking back to Sunrock, not feeling the need to look back.

---------

The Jewel quickly gave way to unrelenting sun and sand. She couldn't say she missed the humidity of the Jungle but at least there was shade. And water was plentiful.

Hell was this desert. It was the antithesis to the Embrace. In the distance she spied Sunfall and the Sun Ring. That awful Ring. That Avad let it continue to stand just to avoid harming his brother was ridiculous. 

The Shadow Carja needed Itamen to live if they ever hoped to seize the Sundom back. Attacking Sunfall wouldn't kill Itamen. But she wasn't a ruler. And it wasn't her family. So what would she know?

She came to this forsaken city at Sylens' prodding. The information about Zero Dawn was buried under the Sun Ring, past a door Sylens needed her blood to unlock.

She hated him. Hated that he dangled knowledge in front her nose yet rarely gave her any. Used her like one uses a tool. Treated her like a small, stupid child. Yet he never put himself in harm's way. 

Well, she could certainly just leave her damn Focus hidden somewhere in Sunfall. Screw what he wanted to know.

She sighed. No. Can't do that. They had made an agreement. The sun and heat and sand and Sylens and All-Mother damned Carja hunters were making her a bit touchy. 

She arrived to find a bunch of people camped outside the city. In tents that barely qualified as such. The people she saw wore hunger and desperation openly on their faces. 

She was appalled. There was plenty of room in Sunfall. Though the Shadow Carja couldn't tread near Meridian, they weren't banned from trade.

She was found by a man desperate to get medical aid for a child and she about lost her temper when he said all the medicine was reserved for those inside the city and for the military.

She didn't hesitate to track down the doctor in Shadow at Blazon Arch, and almost committed homicide when she saw what a greedy, self-important man he was.

There were innocents here, she reminded herself. And this was literally the only practiced healer they seemed to have. And it would make sense that he was a worm, doomed to be banished when Jiran died.

She did his stupid task and promised to actually kill him if he didn't follow through with his agreement. And she would have. With relish. Who lets a child languish like that? An adult she could maybe understand. But a child!

She stormed back to Sunfall and entered the city proper after a short check in on the sick little girl. The Sun Ring was in use, tramplers running over unarmed people whose only sin may have been to be born poor as a Carja. The more she was among these people, the more disgusted she became. Liars. Pretenders. The arrogance that perfumed the air. As she neared the main palace she saw a bunch of mercenaries being led in. Because she saw that she could easily blend in, she nonchalantly merged herself into the group, despite Sylens sputtering in her ear to turn around and scale the cliff down to his old bolt hole.

The group found itself at the foot of a throne where a little boy and what appeared to be his mother were cowering. Must be Itamen. A Sun Priest went on and on about a man named Uthid who was on the run and was a threat to their true Sun-King. Orders were issued to kill him on sight.

Then a stunningly beautiful woman actually managed to sneak up on Aloy, startling her, and told her to meet in the shantytown when she was done listening to the Priest's drivel.

Curious, and happy to ignore Sylens a bit longer, Aloy did as the woman bid her.

The woman was a treat. Aloy couldn’t decide if she liked the woman or if the woman was a venomous predator drawing her in for the kill. She professed Uthid's innocence while claiming friends in high places in Meridian and asked Aloy to go save him. Maybe Avad was doing something about this place after all?

After dancing around, trying to get a name out of the shifty woman, Aloy finally agreed. Uthid sounded like a good man, and Aloy was a sucker for saving good men.

Good enough… Fire and spit she had to stop thinking about the Carja hunter.

As Aloy began to walk away, she felt the woman’s arms encircle her, one around her shoulders, the other around her waist from behind to be pulled in tightly against her. “My name is Vanasha, Little Huntress. I look forward to working more with you.” Spiced breath whispered huskily across Aloy’s ear. She shivered, though she wasn’t sure why. This woman lived in shadows, was a hidden blade dipped in poison. And Aloy felt herself caught in the sights of a predator she didn’t know how to combat. And it was exhilarating .

Chapter Text

Nil couldn't scrub her statement from his thoughts. It plagued his waking and unconscious moments, struck the gaps in his emotional armor like… An arrow, between his armor and skin.

It worried at him to the point where he was getting distracted in his bandit hunting. He was currently nursing a bad slash to his ribs.

Bad enough he needed a competent doctor to stitch him up, as he couldn't get to parts of the wound for him to treat himself.

There was that Shadow Cursed doctor in Blazons Arch who would treat anything for the right price. Greedy, but good at what he did and if you paid enough could keep his mouth shut. Nil was uneasy about how close he would be getting to Kestrels Perch. But he wanted to die in battle, not from an infection after a battle.

He was half delirious when he made it to the cliff overlooking the small town. And he was convinced he was having a fever dream when he saw her. His huntress. Screaming and raging at the very healer he was looking for. 

He sat heavily down out of sight and listened as she threatened him within an inch of his life if he failed to heal a little girl from the shanty town outside of Sunfall.

He smirked. This wasn't a fever dream. He'd found her again. But he wasn't in any shape to go with her when she returned to Sunfall. And he still didn't know how to approach her after the state they parted in. He was long over being angry. But he needed to figure out why her faith in him bothered him so much before he spoke to her again.

"Here's your stupid thunderjaw heart. I hope you rot." His huntress hissed and he heard the tell tale smack of the heart hitting the healer in the chest as she threw it as hard as she could at him.

Then she stalked past where he was crouched, not looking anywhere but straight ahead, her face flushed from anger and the bright Sun she resembled as it beat relentlessly down on her pale skin.

Once she was gone, he stumbled over to the grumbling healer who was collecting his dignity, putting the heart away.

"Ghaliv."

The man started, having not heard his limping, stumbling approach. When he caught sight of Nil, his angry demeanor drained away, leaving nothing but fear.

"Sun save me. Kestrel Am-"

Nil grabbed him by his throat and squeezed. "That is not a name you may utter under the light of the Sun. I am Nil. A hunter of bandits in exile."

"We thought you died in that prison. No one has heard from you in years. That your reign of terror was ended by the Usurper."

"Yet here I am. But I am not here to involve myself in Helis and Bahavas's squabble with Avad. Nor am I here to exact revenge upon you for your part in my...creation. I need you to clean my wound and stitch it. It will take you only an hour. Then you can go do what the fire haired huntress politely asked of you. And if you don't do your absolute best in her task, she will be the least of your worries." He gave his lustiest smile that he normally reserved for his chosen quarry.

Ghaliv was sweating and squirming. Nil was surprised he hadn't pissed himself yet. 

"And what is she to you, that you would threaten me on her behalf?"

"What she is, is immaterial to you. You should concern yourself with living, as I will happily let myself die of infection for the chance to carve you up slowly."

Gulping, Ghaliv nodded his agreement. "Put me down. I will do as you say.”

Nil sat for a few moments, letting the man stew in his fear before nodding and releasing his neck. As the healer massaged his neck, Nil pulled out various treasures he had claimed over his time killing bandits. He rarely spent any of it so he had amassed a small fortune. Which is why he accepted no bounties. A very real, valid threat from Nil and some payment should keep the man quiet to his presence near Sunfall. “If you happen to know someone discrete selling hunting headgear, I would pay extra to get into contact with them here in Blazon Arch.”

Ghaliv eyed all the things Nil pulled out of his pack and nodded. “Follow me to my shop so I can stitch you up and prepare what I need to go to Sunfall. I will stop by the local shady armorer and bring him with me.”

Without waiting, the older man walked off, his tension never leaving his body. Nil followed slowly after him, knowing the man feared him too much to bark at him to speed up.

---------------------

Aloy liked Uthid immediately. He was a no nonsense person, practical, but personable. It took little convincing on her part to get him to accept her help. Because either he was going to die or he wasn’t.

Together they carved through mercenaries sent by Bahavas. Uthid was a capable fighter for his age. The grey in his beard did little to stop him from felling at least a quarter of the mercs who Aloy didn’t riddle with arrows.

She let him get the killing blow on Bahavas. It wasn’t her place to steal that kill. Uthid clearly believed that Itamen was the true Sun-King, but also believed that his regent was being manipulated by a corrupt Priest to lead a corrupt city. And if Uthid had a choice in the matter, it was clear that he would rather have Itamen be safe and not Sun-King, than dancing like a puppet to a mad man’s machinations.

He shocked Aloy in his admission that he had wanted to die fighting. And that she had changed his mind. Ullia flashed across her brain, as did laughing silver eyes. A strange trifecta. All wanted to die in a fight. One didn’t change their mind, one did, and the last was a mystery still.

As he stared down at the Priest’s rapidly cooling body, Aloy was suddenly struck by his aged face. His neatly kept beard. His gruff nature. And suddenly all her grief at losing Rost slammed into her like a trampler. Grief she still hadn’t fully come to terms with. Because she hadn’t had the time to sit still. When she had cried in front of Nil, the wound was still too fresh. She was so overcome, that she shocked both herself and Uthid when she ripped her Focus off her head and slammed into him and hugged him fiercely around his middle.

She tried to stifle her sobs and almost pulled away, when she felt him hesitantly return her hug.

“You are young, huntress. Much too young to be outside Nora lands, saving jaded old Carja soldiers from their poor decisions. I don’t know why you are here or where you’ve been or what you’ve done, but you act more seasoned than I am. And I’m sorry that no one could protect you from it.”

Aloy’s tears came flooding out unchecked finally, shaking her body with every sob. She cried for it all, every moment that led her to this point. People were not meant to be alone for so long. Not unless it was something they had chosen. And so far in her life, the only choice she really felt she had ever made for herself was to help Nil clear bandit camps. And avoid being a queen. 

She calmed after a few moments, then slowly pulled back. “I’m sorry about that. It’s just...something about you reminded me of my adopted father. He died not too long ago, saving my life from Shadow Carja called Eclipse.”

Uthid frowned. Like he knew something. But before he could say anything…

“That was quite a firework show!”

This woman could give a stalker a run for their shards in being stealthy. Aloy couldn’t decide if she hated or admired it and just settled on being annoyed that she apparently wasn’t as good as this woman in sneaking around.

“You took your time.” Aloy snarked. Always throwing herself into trouble while others stayed safe. 

Vanasha smiled dangerously at Aloy. “I was busy. What do you think happened to Yun’s Shunned, the other mercenary band?”

Aloy did a quick inventory of the dead bodies littered all over the Greenclimb, compared to faces that had been present in the throne room. All Mother… The confused emotions Aloy felt at the Carja woman escalated.

“And I had to organize passage to Meridian for a wanted man.” Vanasha’s predatory look intensified as she looked at Uthid, but Aloy quickly recognized that it was a very different kind of hunger the spy-like woman had in her eye.

She watched Uthid gulp next to her, and he nonchalantly moved to place Aloy between himself and Vanasha.

“Give us a moment Uthid. Girl talk.”

The old general quickly made himself scarce, leaving Aloy mad that she had been abandoned.

Vanasha zeroed back in on her. “You’ve had quite the day. I never imagined Bahavas would blunder into his own trap. His death opens up wonderful possibilities. Remember Itamen and Nasadi, the child king and his mother, guarded like hostages at Sunfall?”

The fact that Vanasha didn’t know that Aloy knew who they were came as a surprise. Aloy felt this woman knew everything there was to know about Carja politics in the Sundom. Surely she knew how close Aloy was to Avad, especially if Aloy’s suspicion proved true. She believed Vanasha worked for Avad as a spy. Because the best spy was the one no one would suspect. And people in Sunfall were nothing, if not sexist. How could a woman be a spymaster in their eyes?

“With Bahavas gone, no one will be watching them. I want to get them out, and I could use your help.”

Definitely working with Avad. And her anger at him vanished. He was doing what he could while minimizing bloodshed. And she had to swallow that new bit of knowledge, that sometimes, the direct route to a goal was not always the best one. By getting Itamen out of Sunfall, Avad would likely force the Shadow Carja into a spiritual reckoning, especially if it was known that the boy and his mother fled to Meridian willingly. He could solidify his rule. 

“What will happen to Sunfall?”

When Vanasha smiled, it was a cruel, giddy smile. It set Aloy on edge. “Oh, it will be glorious. The priests will panic. There’ll be infighting, skullduggery, and backstabbing as they wrangle for power. Best of all, they’ll be distracted. Bahavas! Your life brought misery, but your death is a flower that blooms in abundance.”

Without thinking, Aloy blurted out a question. “Do you know Nil?”

Vanasha’s cruel smile didn’t budge. In fact, it may have grown even more so. “Do I remind you of him, Little Huntress? He is known to speak poetry of blood and violence. I assume that is why you are asking. Because I take joy in political strife, and he takes joy in battle? We are two sides of the same coin. But I cannot speak more of the matter. It is not my place.”

Aloy jolted. “How do you know that I know him?”

“You just asked me about him. Plus I know many things, Little Huntress. Secrets are my currency. If you do my task in liberating the Sun-King’s little brother, I may offer you another piece of currency pertaining to your bandit killer. You’ll find that it may be a high cost though, as we have yet to bring them safely to Meridian.”

“He’s not my anything.” Aloy frowned at the knowing smirk that crossed the veiled woman’s face. “What do you need to get Nasadi and Itamen out of Sunfall?”

The spymaster’s smirk turned grim. “With Bahavas dead, Sunfall is the easy part...I’ll handle that. The big fuss will be crossing the border to the Sundom. Find my friend, Three-toe Huadiv near the Branded Shore. I hired his crew to sweep the path, so all you have to do is wait for me.”

Aloy was confused. “If this Huadiv has already cleared the area, why do you need me?”

“Contingencies, Little Huntress. Something will go wrong, and I need protection I can count on - you.”

She frowned at the spy. Vanasha knew nothing about Aloy and her personal motivations. Right? She couldn’t possibly. She’d never met Vanasha before arriving at Sunfall and if what she had implied was correct, Vanasha had been here for a very long time, outcast with the Shadow Carja. She may have heard stories about Aloy, but not truths.

Aloy answered reluctantly. “I’ll...try not to disappoint.”

---------------

If she had known a whole ass corrupted thunderjaw was in her future, she would have walked away from Vanasha’s little side job. At least, that’s what she was telling herself. It was bad enough having to down a rockbreaker because Huadiv was an idiot.

It’s like Vanasha knew these little hiccups were in the middle of her escape plan. And hadn’t given Aloy the courtesy of full disclosure. Shifty woman.

But she could fight. No scraps about it. Vanasha was something to behold, lithe and quick. Not powerful though. She didn’t need to be. She distracted the Eclipse while Aloy divested them of their lives, yelling with the joy of battle in her voice, then cheered as the huntress finished the last of them.

Then came that Sun cursed Thunderjaw and Vanasha gave a sly wink, threw Aloy some guards who wouldn’t live to see the next sunrise, and skipped her way to the barge.

What had those poor soldiers done to warrant being tossed like metal into a scrapper’s jaws? When Aloy limped back to the river, she glared at Vanasha. Before she could tear into her, the spymaster gestured to the boat. “Not exactly a royal barge is it? Oh well, defectors can’t be choosers. Let’s get aboard shall we?”

Once they were well away, the Carja woman pulled her as far away as she could from the rest of the passengers. A genuine friendly smile was on her face. “You’ve done a good thing. Maybe even ended a war.”

Aloy smiled tiredly back at her. “Maybe. But my war just keeps going.”

Vanasha dipped her head in understanding. “About that currency. You definitely earned it on the thunderjaw. So here it is. When we get to Meridian, I suggest you ask to gain entry into the Royal Library. I know the Sun-King will let you in. Look up what it means to be Nameless. And once you do, you will know why no one can tell you about Nil. The rest you will have to root out for yourself.”

A nonanswer, but more than anyone else had given her. Aloy nodded her understanding. They both stood and watched the sun setting on the water, listening to the excited rambling of the little boy who would no longer be king...who would now get to be exactly what he was. A little boy.

----------------

She practically sprinted over the bridge and up the stairs, almost slamming into Blameless Marad.

“Is Avad available to speak with?” She leaned over, trying to catch her breath. She hadn’t interrupted his reunion with his half-brother and step mother. It would have been rude to do so. So she left to the main city and hung out with her Hawk at the Lodge for a whole day. As much as she wanted to just barge in, she knew it was best to at least go through Marad to get at the Sun-King. There were enough grumbles about how fond the Carja ruler was of her, and she didn’t want to make his reign any more difficult than it already was. Actually… She eyed Marad thoughtfully.

He gave her a calm smile, not answering as he saw she was about to ask him a question. “Maybe you can help me Marad. I would like access to the Royal Library. I was told a piece of information I am looking for may be contained there.”

Marad then smiled. “Of course, Aloy. His Radiance would grant you access immediately. Though he will be sad if you don’t visit him. He is currently relaxing in a sitting room going over some financial reports. Did you want to go to the library first? Or to say hello to him?”

If she went to see Avad first, he would ask about why she was here and wanted access to his library. And if he figured out she was after some purposefully obscure thing called Nameless, that might raise some questions. If she went to the library first, she could look up what being Nameless meant and be prepared to field his curiosity.

“Let him continue working. I can make an appointment as I’m not here on important business at the moment. Lead the way Marad.”

He gestured to a door. “This way Huntress. His Radiance would be happy to have you dine with him and his family this evening. That gives you plenty of time to research and for me find a way to distract him from barging in on you.”

Aloy chuckled. “Thank you. For everything you do. I don’t know how often you hear that.”

“Not often enough, I’m afraid. But I don’t do this job for thanks. I do it so that I may see my people healed and whole again. Carja history is steeped in blood, and not the Light it professes to worship. My hope is that Avad can change that. Bring Light to our people.”

Aloy hummed in agreement as they approached large wooden doors, studded with metal. It was guarded by two spearmen who bowed in deference to Marad then opened the doors, revealing a huge well lit room, stuffed from floor to ceiling with scrolls and books.

Her escort gestured in. “There are scholars here who know their way around, but I suspect you will not be letting anyone know what you are looking for. So, I suggest you look at the fourth stack from the back, on the right hand side. I will find you when it is time for dinner.” He smiled knowingly at her.

“Vanasha…” Aloy hissed.

“Indeed. Happy hunting, Aloy.” Marad turned and walked leisurely away, his hands in a relaxed clasp at the small of his back.

Spies. Seriously. Aloy removed her Focus from her head, wanting Sylens to stew some more. She was still pissed at him about the whole Focus network debacle and HADES. And this was also...personal she guessed. It had nothing to do with eliminating the Eclipse or defeating HADES or figuring out Project Zero Dawn. This was just her own curiosity burning her alive about a man who lived in Shadow. A man who people seemed to know, but refused to speak about. A man who was more than he seemed.

She found the stack in question and began browsing. Most of the material here was religious in nature. She began pulling random books and flipping through them.

She finally found a book after a couple hours that spoke of the Sun’s punishments to those who blasphemed in the Light. Most of what she read was what she already knew. The Sun Ring, being buried in the sand, mouth stuffed full of salt. Whippings, forced servitude. Exile. Standard, but still awful stuff. Then she came across a section that gave her pause.

“Then there are those who have committed crimes so awful, that the Sun nor his Avatar can abide their existence. They must be burned from everything the Light shines upon, including memory. They must suffer death before the Sun-King, body buried where the Light may never shine upon them again. Then their house, should they have one, disbanded. Estates are left in trust to the Sun Throne until another family can earn it. And finally, their name will be struck from history, never to be remembered again. None may speak their name. All records of them purged and burned. This is what it means to be Nameless before the Sun. And this is only to be reserved for the dishonored dead, so their name may never be recovered.”

Aloy stared. But Nil was alive. People knew he was alive. How could he be Nameless and not buried beneath the earth?  He had committed atrocities, he admitted as much. But what had he done that had warranted his literal erasure from his people’s memory?

Holes in the world.

She didn’t buy it. But it explained why no one wanted to tell her in depth about the enigmatic man. And why she likely wouldn’t find mention of him here in the library which is what she had planned on looking for next. 

The only person who would be able to tell her about Nil, might be Avad. It was his job to hand out that kind of punishment. So he had to know Nil, who he used to be. What he had done. She couldn’t wait to be called upon for dinner now.

--------

When Marad found her, she was pacing near the door to the library like a watcher caged. He smiled knowingly as she bounced on the balls of her feet, ready to sprint to a destination she didn’t know. “Found your answer, have you Seeker? Avad and his family are ready to receive you at the dining room. This way if you please.”

Aloy wasn’t so anxious that she wanted to scream at him to hurry, but she still chafed at the slow pace the advisor set through the opulent halls. “Aloy, I know you want to ask Avad. And I won’t tell you not to, as we have had little but whispers of the man you are looking into. The Sun-King will be happy to have an update on him, but will refuse you the knowledge you seek. Don’t press him.”

“But he’s Sun-King! He is the one that gave this punishment! If he is the Sun made flesh, he should be able to tell me!”

Marad shook his head at her. “There is much going on about the situation that is no one’s story to tell except the soldier’s. His Radiance will not betray that. Not even for you.”

Aloy scowled at him. “We’ll see about that.” Marad now shook his head sadly.

“Please don’t mislead Avad by playing on his affections for you. You were right to refuse him. The Sundom might be thankful for the many things you’ve done so far, but it is far from ready to accept you as ruler. Too many are still suspicious of non-Carja, particularly the noble Khanes. Many believe that the other tribes are planning to retaliate after Dervahl, and what better retaliation than stealing the throne? And though some time has passed, Avad still hasn’t completely forgotten Ersa. He must find who he is on his own. Only then will he be ready for someone else to share his throne with.”

Aloy sobered. Blameless Marad had gained his position for a reason. “How do you know Vanasha then?” She changed the topic of conversation.

“Vanasha is of a minor house fallen before the Red Raids, that has only recently been reinstated with Avad’s rule. She is not an orphan, but her mother gave care of her to me when Vanasha was a young woman. To get her out of poverty. It came with a heavy price that Vanasha had to pay though.”

“Vanasha was given as a slave to you?”

Marad stopped in his tracks and turned to glare down at Aloy. “For all appearances that had to be maintained in front of Jiran, yes. But she was no slave. I trained her myself. Some of that training was...distasteful. And she has anger in her at me and at a certain Khane's art that I forced her to learn. But it made her stronger for it. I trained her to be my eyes and ears in places I could not go. Whether it was because of my gender or my status at the side of the Mad King. She helped bring about the fall of Jiran and continues to serve faithfully. If you are so curious, ask Vanasha yourself.”

Aloy snorted and rolled her eyes. “Getting a satisfactory answer out of that woman is like pulling teeth.”

She shivered as she saw that cruel edged smile that was reminiscent of Vanasha’s cross his face. “Then she is truly my successor in all things.” He brought his features back to magnanimity as they approached ornately carved doors inlaid with colorful glass geometric shapes. Aloy was now wary of Marad. Vanasha actively stalked her prey. Marad was an ambush predator.

The advisor opened the dining room door for her. She passed quickly into the room that was filled with Itamen’s happy laughter. “We live in Shadow so that the Light may continue shining unimpeded. To be Arrows in Shadow, to exist in the space between armor and skin.” She turned back to gape at his familiar statement, but he had already closed the door and gone. 

She was so shocked she almost jumped out of her skin, when a hand gently placed itself on her shoulder. She turned to find Avad looking at her concerned. “Aloy, are you okay? I was calling you for a few seconds and you were staring at the door like it was going to attack you.”

She shrugged Avad’s hand off softly so as not to offend him. “Marad said something...that surprised me. Reminded me of someone. Someone I would like to speak to you about.”

Avad raised his eyebrows. “Oh? Well, let’s sit and eat. We can speak after Itamen and Nasadi have finished and my brother is taken to bed. Thank you so much Aloy, for helping. It’s a relief to have them both back and safe. For more reasons than just saving the kingdom from being ripped in two.”

She nodded her understanding and moved to sit to Avad’s left, Nasadi across from her, and Itamen to Nasadi’s left. They spent a pleasant simple meal chatting, Itamen asking question after question of Aloy. The Sun-King attempted to curb the young prince’s enthusiasm but Aloy waved him off. “Curiosity and asking endless questions is how I came to be how I am. He is young. His questions aren’t asked out of malice, simply a desire to know. I will answer happily, knowing he isn’t judging me.”

The King smiled warmly at her, affection strong in his eyes. “Very well Huntress. Just let me know if he gets to be too much.”

Aloy entertained Itamen for a good hour, with Nasadi asking a few questions of her own to her surprise. Finally, Itamen’s energy began to flag, and his mother quietly excused them from the meal, thanking the Nora for her extreme patience.

When they had gone, she found Avad still looking at her with that affection she didn’t want. “Avad, I wanted to ask you about something I looked up while in the Royal Library. Something I was directed to look up by both Vanasha and Marad because they refused to speak of it.”

His affectionate look morphed to one of confusion and a small amount of worry. “I will do my best to answer your questions then.”

She took a deep breath and decided to just spit it out in the simplest terms she could. “I have been working with a Carja ex-soldier named Nil in wiping out bandits.”

She watched Avad’s face, which surprisingly didn’t shift. “And? Is he okay? I haven’t heard from him since he left Meridian almost a year ago. Some whispers, sure, of empty bandit camps. I didn’t realize you had been helping him.”

“Avad...I know that he is Nameless. He has admitted to doing terrible things but won’t tell me exactly what they are. Only that if I find empty places in the world, he was likely there. He tells me he loves killing, revels in it, but I don’t accept that. I know that to be Nameless, it has to be done by you. And that the Nameless have to be dead. Nil isn’t dead.”

Avad suddenly looked tired. But not angry that she was peppering him with these questions. “You are correct. I do have to be the one to make someone Nameless. And that Nil isn’t dead. But his story and his name are his to give. That is part of why he is alive and Nameless. He asked to be so. And you will have to live with that as your only answer unless he decides otherwise. But please tell me how he is doing. Though his actions are likely not the most enjoyable, he is doing the Sundom a great service.”

Crossing her arms, she had a sour look on her face at not getting satisfying answers. “He seems...fine. As fine as someone who enjoys killing can be. We worked together in clearing out two camps. We didn’t part on good terms after Shattered Kiln. He took offense at me thinking he might be a good man despite his apparent bloodthirst. He is an efficient and brutal fighter. Did you know, our first bandit camp, he purposely set off the alarm because he didn’t like how easily I was dispatching his prey from a distance? I had to fight off five of the bastards at once.”

Avad laughed. “He likes the challenge of a difficult fight and from what Erend had told me, only one bandit would be too easy for you. He will forever be a soldier. He...was raised and moulded to be one.” Avad sobered. “I really can’t tell you much about him, Aloy. You will have to pester him yourself. He knows what he needs to do to be allowed back into the Sun’s Light. Do you enjoy his company? I only really know about his personality through Janeva. They said he was rather quiet throughout his incarceration.”

“All Mother...Janeva lied to you. He can’t shut up while we’re fighting. Constantly giving me corrections on my posture or how to best place an arrow or spear to get a clean kill. His morbid jokes and commentary. But that aside...I do feel strangely calm when I am around him. He has no big expectations of me, like the rest of the Sundom does. I can just...be...around him. Be nothing but a hunter. And he’s never outright lied to me as far as I know, and he protects me only when I blunder. Which I appreciate because he has faith in my abilities to take care of myself. Follows my lead. I don’t know why he got so mad at me. And I got so mad back at him. And now he haunts me everywhere I go even though he’s not there. Like a ghost. Like my Shadow.”

Avad’s face grew wistful as he looked at her. Like he had seen something he desired for himself, but couldn’t have. “He got under your skin didn’t he? That’s good. He needs someone like you to draw his poison out. If he can get himself together, the Sundom could use a man like him. Is that something you might be able to do? Tame the untamable, one who has already tamed machines no one thought possible?”

It was a distasteful thought, taming a person. That was what slavery was. Her face reflected this thought. “That doesn’t sound very...moral. To tame someone. Why should someone need to be tamed? Why shouldn’t someone just...be free?”

A sympathetic look crossed the King’s face. “Those are the thoughts of someone who assumes the best of everyone or that everyone wants to be free, Aloy. Not everyone is good by nature on their own or they simply need someone there to guide them. Some people are...built different. There are those who thrive where rules are placed before them, who would otherwise be only chaos incarnate. Nil…” He cut himself off abruptly. “It would be good for him. And I assume he likes you around, otherwise you would never find him, as no one I’ve sent after him has found him.”

“You assume he still likes me after our last little verbal sparring. I stormed out of the camp after dumping the dinner he killed into the coals. He was so...offended at me. And I was so mad that he was offended.”

“I will leave it at, he is complicated. And if you choose to help him, the Sundom will be better for it. If you don’t...well...that’s a problem for the future."

Aloy suddenly just felt tired. Bone tired. And she still had to deal with the Zero Dawn bunker. She excused herself from Avad’s presence and left Meridian entirely, not wanting to deal with anyone hunting her down to pester her for her time and remaining energy. She climbed up a nearby mesa and made a fire, deciding to just eat her rations, promising herself to replace them tomorrow before she left to head back to Sunfall. It would be interesting to see the state of the city now that Itamen had been spirited away.

She fell into a light sleep, shadows and fires featuring in her restless dreams with silver eyes peeking out.

------------

You woke up screaming aloud

A prayer from your secret god

You feed off our fears

And hold back your tears, oh

Give us a tantrum

And a know it all grin

Just when we need one

When the evening's thin

You're a beautiful

A beautiful fucked up man

You're setting up your

Razor wire shrine

'Cause you're working

Building a mystery

Holding on and holding it in

Yeah you're working

Building a mystery

And choosing so carefully

~Building a Mystery by Sarah McLachlan

Chapter Text

When he finally got his helmet from the shady armorer a couple weeks later, he was rather amazed by the work the man did. It was made to resemble a stalker and a mask was fitted to cover all of his face except his mouth and eyes. It was made of the standard dark metals the Shadow Carja favored. He had also purchased some cheaper Shadow Carja armor. It would go a long way in allowing him to wander Sunfall and see what news he could pick up on the Nora huntress. Because there was no way her touch hadn’t been felt in the city. Everywhere she went, she left signs of her passing on people. And sometimes on buildings if things got rowdy.

He fit the helmet on, slid into the armor, and packed his own favored armor away. He rubbed kohl around his eyes to hide his tattoos from being seen. Satisfied he would be fairly anonymous, he made his way to Sunfall. This was technically against what Avad had ordered of him, but he did want to live long enough to see Aloy again and to finish his task. The Carja in Shadow would either kill him on sight or turn him over to...Helis. He'd slit his own throat before being taken by that monster again.

When he arrived, he wasn’t all that shocked to see the shantytown. The nobles who supported Jiran were an arrogant bunch and wouldn’t suffer to share their living spaces with poverty or slaves. But when he walked into the city proper...the news was that the Shadow Priests were in an uproar. Bahavas was dead at the hands of the missing General Uthid, rumored to have been supported by a woman with hair like the Sun. And Itamen and his mother had been kidnapped in the night. No one knew where their boy king had vanished to.

But Nil had a suspicion it was once again a woman with hair like fire. Or another woman he hoped to never run into again. If there was someone who would sneak up on him in his sleep and slip a knife between his ribs in malice...it was Vanasha.

There was a large gathering of people staring into the Sun Ring. He was about to pay it no mind, thinking it was some unfortunate person from the shantytown who had looked wrong at a noble, until he heard mention that Helis had prepared a special sacrifice to be offered to the Sun. A Nora woman, who had been caught desecrating the Sun Ring by Helis himself. 

His heart leapt into his throat. Shoving up to the railing he looked to the cage suspended over the dirt of the ring. He wished he was wrong, but there she was. There was Aloy, stripped of her armor and weapons, sitting quietly.

This was a place no one survived. Kadaman hadn’t survived. Hawks of the Lodge hadn’t survived. The Sun Ring was where you were sent to die if you offended the wrong people. He began frantically moving down to the stands, trying to think how he could support her if she didn’t have a plan.

He paused in his travels down when the audience began cheering loudly. He looked up to the Lord’s Box to see the snake Helis greeting the crowd.

“Carja faithful, rejoice! Our years in Shadow are over! A new dawn trembles on the horizon, a new day, soon to break! And when it does, the false Sun-King will be dead, and Holy Meridian, ours once more! In this, I have become an instrument of prophecy! All halves of nature joined to one cause! Shadow to Sun, Light to Dark, Night to Day! Behold!”

Much like the rest of the crowd, Nil couldn’t stop the gasp that left his mouth when he saw them. Machines like no other he had seen. Machines with legs like spiders and a tail like a scorpion. 

Machines with legs like spiders and a tail like a scorpion.

It clicked then for Nil. He looked between Aloy who was now standing in her cage, and at Helis who the huntress was glaring at. Helis...Helis was the one who had killed Aloy’s father. Who had tried to kill her by slitting her throat. He was the head of Eclipse.

Suddenly everything seemed...out of control for him. Events were slipping through his fingers and he was helpless to influence them. And then he felt it happening. That thing that was bad that happened to him while he was a soldier and that Jiran and Helis mercilessly encouraged. His stress and anger were getting the best of him. His sight became tunneled, blackening. His breathing became erratic and his heartbeat sped up. He knew once he lost sight of the light...there may be dead bodies all around him. People who didn’t deserve his wrath unchained. He had only seconds to make a decision. Once he blacked out, he had no influence over what he did. He could let himself black out and hope whatever shred of soul was still in his body would help Aloy and not slaughter tens of people. Or he could leave Aloy to her fate, hope she could figure a way out.

She was the most beautiful being he’d ever seen. And she was strong, raised to be self sufficient, for Nora Outcasts only really had themselves to rely on.

She had killed thunderjaws. She had mentioned killing those machines that were crawling through the audience to the Sun Ring floor. She was a hunter of both humans and machines. She was death and life, as the Sun was both death and life.

He turned and sprinted for the exit. There were a bunch of machines prowling around a tallneck that he had seen between here and Blazon Arch. He had to hold on until he got there. Aloy would survive. He knew it. He’d see her again. It didn’t stop his worry. Or his agony that the one time he wanted to help, he became both useless and incredibly dangerous to her. He didn’t look back as Helis ordered the cage dropped to the Sun Ring floor, kept her face locked in his mind's eye to stave off the blackout as long as he could.

--------------

Sylens had actually shown up and saved her skin. She couldn’t believe it. And he was even halfway personable to her as they sped away on striders from Sunfall. Even gave her a disguise to get back in.

But the way Helis had yelled at Sylens. Like he had been betrayed by a friend.

She gave him her customary tongue lashing, he did his customary sighing and treating her as a child. Then they parted ways.

She knew she needed to head up to Nora lands. She also knew she wanted to avoid going through Meridian. So she plotted her course down through the deepest parts of the Jewel. Her people were going to be under siege for a while, but Aloy knew the Nora to be resilient. And they had the mountain to fall back into which was easily defensible against almost anything except the largest metal devils, which Eclipse hadn’t so far been able to revive.

She traveled for three days, only resting for a handful of hours.

Helis had called her a murderer also, after she had first accused him of being one. Talking to him finally… Helis was something horrifying. Cruelty, jealousy, hatred, all wrapped up in the trappings of religious zealotry. He didn’t regret killing anyone who stood in his way. His delusions of grandeur were absolutely the scariest thing she had ever encountered. The man needed to be put down like a crazed ravager. Even Sylens couldn’t compare, because the surly Banuk was even turned from Helis’s cause.

A killer of killers. Not a murderer. But I wouldn’t expect you to know the difference.

Helis’s pale eyes reminded her of the only other set of pale eyes she had ever seen. Where Helis’s eyes burned with fervor and religious zeal, Nil’s glittered. There was life behind the hunter’s eyes, a soul. He knew right from wrong. She had seen flashes of his regret that he tried to hide. She did understand there was joy for him in killing bandits. But there was also more to him than that.

She should have apologized to him. She didn’t like being cornered. And she was sure Nil was the same. Nil shouldn’t be anyone other than Nil. If he wanted to be more, to change, that was something he had to want to do on his own. Not be bullied into it by her. Because in all honesty, he was good enough the way he was.

On her fourth day of traveling, she spotted the smoke. She tried to bury the hopes that rose up in her. Smoke meant bandits. And bandits...might mean Nil. She kicked the strider into a gallop.

-----------------

He had awoken back to himself within a couple of hours. But the machine carnage surrounding him was one for the ages. He was scratched and burned and bruised all over. But he took stock of the several dead long legs, ravagers, watchers, and surprisingly two bellowbacks.

He had blacked out right as he was caught between a patrol of soldiers and the machines. Looks like the machines won out in being the bigger threat to his survival, because no bodies lie around him. He sighed in relief. 

He did a quick and shoddy job of stripping some lenses and hearts from the machines before he ran back to the Sunfall. When he saw that the side of the Sun-Ring was blown wide open, he didn’t even need to go inside to know that Aloy had gotten away. The woman was a literal force of nature. With that worry assuaged, he turned to head into the Jewel. It was a good place to disappear to heal up. And maybe if he was lucky, he’d find the last of the bandits to distract him from everything that was jumbled up in his head. Maybe they would make all of it just...go away. Guilt still twisted his insides. He snapped again. And a woman he admired was left on her own because he couldn’t control himself completely yet. Two years in that damn prison, reliving every evil he visited upon the Sundom, trying to face down or absorb the demon that lived in his mind. Being subjugated by the Asp when he failed. 

Tears threatened to travel down his cheeks. How useless was he? How could he look her in the eyes ever again?

-------

Tired of being afraid

But lately, I lost my faith

What is love without pain?

It ain't home

You're watching me, but I'm below

When I get caught, I hope

It's the kind of blackout that will

Take me home

So I walk into the dead of night

Where my monsters like to hide

Chaos feels so good inside, now I know

I lost, I lost

I lost control again

Always do the same and not to blame

I lost control again

I don't, I don't

I don't know who I am

Always do the same and not to blame

I lost control again

~Loss of Control by Alan Walker

Chapter Text

A week of traveling finally gave him some smoke to follow. He felt dead inside. And this was the last major bandit camp in the Sundom. Had he done enough to return to Meridian? 

Because after this, there would be no one for him to kill to save others. Sure there were Eclipse, but they were Shadow Carja, and strictly off limits from killing until Avad ordered otherwise. He could travel to Tenakth zealot lands, where a clan had been making moves, but that wasn’t protecting the Sundom. That was raiding their lands.

He had slain so many. And hundreds more were impacted from those he killed. How could he ever make that up by killing a paltry handful of bandit camps?

Maybe he wasn’t meant to be redeemed. Maybe he should just slink off into a dark hole and rot away like the Shadow he was. As he walked up to the camp he heard the tell tale noise of slaughter already occurring. 

He suddenly took a careful look around, and sure enough, not far away was a tamed strider. She beat him to this camp! This last camp, his last chance to absolve himself. It also sounded like she was up to her ears in bandits because he heard her cursing from here.

He chuckled and pulled his bow out. May as well help out and add to his tally. Maybe he’d feel better when they were finished.

-------------

He did not, in fact, feel better. He felt worse. His body ached still from his encounter with the machines, and now he felt empty again. Bereft of purpose. A bow with no hand to pull the string taut, to aim the arrow of his violence.

Watching his Sun dance about the bandit camp, weaving around arrows and spears and knives to righteous music he couldn't hear but craved to, he came to a decision. 

He had lived as a menace. He would die as one so he wouldn't threaten everything his Sun, his huntress was working so hard for. All it took was one loss of control and another Cinnabar Sands… Another Daunt…

He didn't want her to remember him as a monster, but he needed to die like one. And if he snapped during a fight, she was more than able to kill him.

They plodded outside of the camp as was customary of them after finishing. She had a satisfied smile on her face as she turned to him.

She paused, her smile growing hesitant. He gave her a sad smile, taking in every bit of her, flushed with battle excitement, a job well done, covered in sweat and blood, exhilarated from toeing that line between living and dying that comes from fighting for your life. Drank the sight of her in, like a man dying of thirst.

"It's so...bittersweet. Like a smile through bloodied teeth."

"What's the matter? You look…disappointed?"

He gave a shallow nod. "The bandit clans are gone. I hear another turned back at the southern plains -- just at a sniff of the legend we carved." He did smile at this. No bandit necessarily knew it was him in particular that was wiping them off the face of the Sundom. Only that the fire haired Nora and rogue Carja Kestrel were exterminating clan after clan with ease, leaving holes in the world where thieves, murderers, and slavers used to exist. Filling them back up with desperate but good people once again.

She looked at him, incredulous and confused. "That's what all this bloodshed was for. To end the bandit threat."

He shook his head. It was more than that, but she of course didn't know because he hadn't told her. He couldn't. Though she was his Sun now, his honor still bound him to Avad's words.

"But now there's nothing left to kill… Unless… No, no." 

Concern crossed her face, and sadness. She waited for him to finish the statement, but all he could do was continue looking at her. "Then I guess this is our last farewell."

He smirked softly at her. "After all we've been through, this isn't the place for that."

She suddenly turned a red he had never seen before. Her cheeks, ears, and neck burned a red that rivaled her Nora braids. She looked uncomfortable for some reason and was trying to visibly rein it in. 

"There is a mesa south of Meridian, with a view of the Spearshafts. Meet me there."

He couldn't look at her anymore. The more he looked, the more he felt odd. An ache he'd never felt before except when he thought of her recently. It lived in his chest and in his bones. He turned and left before she could say anything to his request.

---------

What in the Sundom was that ? This wasn't a place for a farewell? What kind of farewell was he planning? That required a nice view?

Nil was a conundrum to her. Joy at killing, sadness that he couldn't anymore. Yet he was respectful. Treated her kindly. Honored her ability to care and fight for herself.

And then there was the fact that she saw the condition his body was in. The man had recently tussled with a bunch of machines. Scratches, bruises, and burns littered his normally smooth tan skin, all barely scabbed over.

Nil didn't fight machines, so why did he look like that? 

What was wrong with that man? He was a mystery that was driving her mad. She couldn't leave him well enough alone. Worried at the idea of him like a fox with a bone. 

He would have to wait at his mesa though. She needed to get to her people. See if they had defeated Helis's forces on their own.

----------

She stood inside All Mother. This is where she was born. Birthed by GAIA in a last ditch effort to give humanity a chance to reclaim what was lost by way of a rogue signal that broke apart a terraforming AI and gave birth to consciousnesses who were not prepared for it. Who were cut away and left adrift to figure out who they were on their own. Basically children. And HADES… A scared AI whose sole function was to subvert GAIA and destroy everything she had created when her terraforming failed. 

And Aloy was something she had purposefully created to counter HADES. A replica of Elisabet to get places no other human could. So much chance was hoped for in that move.

What if she had never fallen into that ruin as a child? Never found that Focus to shape her beliefs, her understanding of the world and the Ancients?

She could have been as ignorant as her adoptive father about technology. So much had accidentally gone right to get Aloy here to this point.

She walked back through the room of chairs and screens and paused, looking down at a functional Focus. She remembered Sylens saying that programming a Focus was easy.

She grabbed them all. She might need them. They could be useful. She walked back out of the Cradle, only to find that the people who had shunned her, hated her for the simple misfortune of being spat out of a mountain as a babe, lined up waiting.

They bowed before her. Worshipping her . They didn't even bother knowing her. None except Teb and Teersa. And she snapped a little inside. Something broke. Belonging side by side was all she had ever wanted. To be equal. And she was denied that yet again.

She only bothered saying goodbye to Teb. Sweet Teb, who had always seen her, but felt too much awe to place himself on her level. But he had always believed in her.

Her people were safe for now. She needed to get away from them. From everyone. Even Sylens, who coldly spoke in her ear about a master override to rid the world of HADES for good.

But she remembered… He was basically a child. Sylens certainly wouldn’t have been helping his emotional growth over the years. Could HADES be reasoned with?

First, to just get away. Every step that the word Anointed was whispered at her, made her leave faster.

--------

It had been a whim, to just turn north instead of heading west into the Sundom. 

Of course, Sylens grouched at her, which just amused her. Because it was two annoyances on his part. She was ignoring his command to finish the journey to defeating HADES and she was poking her nose into his past.

Of course, most of what she found in this miserable snowbound wasteland were more messes to clean up. She thought the Banuk hardier than this. And the whole situation was just terrible at the end.

She had found the source of the derangement. HEPHAESTUS. She had also found a wealth of information in the form of CYAN. She liked CYAN a lot and knew exactly why Ourea had made friends with her.

Aloy had asked CYAN to walk her through copying information to the other Focuses and how to choose when to block Sylens from accessing her Focus. 

It was very informative. And not wanting to seem like she was only using CYAN for information, she extended the option for CYAN to contact her whenever she was feeling lonely or tired of having to interact on the Banuk's level. CYAN had glowed yellow in excitement and accepted the offer readily.

She had made good friends up here. Given herself some much needed privacy from Sylens snooping. She had even added to her music collection. Concrete Beach Party was a little rougher around the edges but she liked the energy in it. She had shared her library with CYAN who had visibly vibrated in excitement at something new to do.

She hoped she ran into Scars of the North at some point in the Sundom. It was nice to fight side by side with fellow machine hunters. She had missed the camadrie. She missed her forays into bandit camps with Nil. She felt she belonged there. Even the Scars couldn't give her that feeling as there was too much shared history between them for her to feel like one of them. Too much shared pain.

To her surprise she stumbled into a bandit camp. And her longing grew. She didn't want to say goodbye to Nil. Even if he was weird. Even if she didn't understand his refusal to acknowledge that he might in fact be good enough.

She cleared the bandit camp but walked away singed. Nil would have loved that fight. It was difficult, the bandits very well armed and smarter than those in the Sundom had been.

She sighed. Sylens’ stupid master override first. Then she could see Nil before she went to Meridian to convince Avad that Helis wasn't going to sit contentedly in Sunfall.

------

You know I'm like a ghost

I see it in your face

And it haunts me that I have to be this way

You say it's gone cold

I say I'll do better

But I always seem to disappear again

You know I'm like a ghost...

You know I never meant to cut you off

Got phantom feelings I can never stop

Stranger things to worry 'bout I know

But I'm so scared that I'll end up

I'll end up, I'll end up alone

I can't see myself in the mirror

Does that mean I'm not really here?

I'm losin' touch with everything I know

And I'm so scared that I'll end up

I'll end up, I'll end up alone

~Ghost by Au/Ra and Alan Walker

Chapter Text

It was worse. So much worse. Ted Faro was an atrocity of a human being. An even bigger monster than Sylens. Than Helis.

Humanity could have been so much more than scattered tribes squabbling over petty things such as land, resources, and religion. 

He had presumed to play a god and stripped people who he would never meet of their legacy, all because he thought he knew better. Deleting APOLLO all to hide his mistakes when he was nothing but dust was the epitome of arrogance and hubris. 

It was bad enough to shock Sylens into quiet. She could feel his rage in it. And she was mad with him. They shared in their values of knowledge. Though Sylens did it to give himself power. Aloy wanted to share it with everyone who would listen and accept it.

She had been angry most of her life. Angry to be tossed out of a tribe. Angry to have her guardian give his life in exchange for hers. Angry that people couldn't take care of their own problems. Angry that she was made out to be more than what she was. Angry that she was a tool to be used in other people's petty games.

But in all her anger, she had never wished suffering upon anyone.

But she wished Ted Faro was alive, so she could carve his crimes into his flesh. She wanted it so badly she began shaking, tears of impotent rage sliding down her face. She stalked back down the mountain, past the modified stormbird she had brought down. Past the stripped stalkers who had the misfortune of crossing her path. Back to the Sundom.

Before she could process where she was, she found herself at the foot of a mesa south of Meridian. Of course she would be drawn here.

Not even second guessing her decision, she immediately began climbing, the burn of her muscles calming her, the promise of seeing what Nil's farewell was, distracting her.

- ----

I'm seeing through crimson sunglasses

I'm breathing and counting to ten

I guess I'm fresh out of free passes

They'll pay if it happens again

And I don't wanna drink the venom they made me

I don't wanna be controlled by the past

Boy if you were me, could you really blame me?

Would make you crazy

'Cause another and another coming up out of the gutter

Till I'm drowning in an ocean of entitled motherfuckers

And they're pushing on my buttons

But they never seem to wonder why

Another and another, ask each other

Does it get your blood boiling, does it make you see red?

(Does it make you see red?)

Do you wanna destroy it? (Destroy it)

Does it get in your head? (In your head)

'Cause it gets my blood boiling

And I'm coming unglued

It would eat you like poison if you knew what I knew

You would be angry too.

~Angry Too by Lola Blanc

Chapter Text

Some of the few remaining bandits in the area had decided that his mesa was attractive. And their decision cost them their lives. He needed this mesa. This is where he would receive his Sun's final judgement. 

He was wiping his knife clean when he heard a foot scuff stone on purpose behind him. She was here. She came finally after weeks of having disappeared. Word had reached the area of the Nora lands' destruction. The Carja outpost had been decimated. Machines no one had ever seen before clanked around the Embrace, eating up plants and wildlife, killing any except Eclipse who drew too close. Then just as suddenly as they had appeared, they were killed by Nora braves or vanished. But no one had seen her leave the Sacred Lands. Only enter.

He stood and turned towards her. The sun was sitting directly behind her, outlining her in vibrant warm rays. His Sun. So blinding in light and fire and scorching judgement.

He caught the teasing smirk on her face. "Nil. I did wonder on my way here...well, if you were luring me into an ambush." She gestured to the dead bandits at his feet. 

He smiled softly back at her. "Where's the fun in that? Some bandit sprawl would never have done for our arena. But this…" He gestured towards both the Spearshafts and Meridian glittering in the soon to set sun. "Much better. There's a sense of drama." Her face stopped smirking at the word arena, alarm taking its place. "So, what do you say? How about we try to kill each other?"

She looked horrified. She had moved so he could better see her face and it was now pale.

"Wait. You brought me out here to see if I want to fight you?"

He nodded calmly. He had continued thinking over the past few weeks and had still come to the conclusion that him being put down was for the best. But he wanted it to be by her hand. No one else's. "To the death. We'll savor it, because we only get this one time."

She staggered back a few steps as if he had struck her. He saw tears beginning to glisten in her eyes. He felt alarm growing inside of him. Couldn't she see that this was for the best? Finally she gathered her calm a bit. Her voice came out a hoarse, hurt whisper. "Actually, I don't know what else I expected." She had never let her eyes leave his for the whole exchange, once again delving deep into his, searching for something.

Then he saw her resolve harden. She swallowed. Her face became grim. "I’m flattered that you think of me this way, Nil. But I don’t want to kill you."

He gave her a sad smile. “Don’t be hasty. When it’s life against death, hunter against hunter - I know it’ll come to you.”

“Is that really what you want, Nil? I don’t think you have a death wish. There is a need for you in the world.” 

She moved right as he blinked, and slammed the butt of her spear behind his knees, forcing him to the ground on his stomach. Quick as a flash she was behind him, knee between his shoulder blades, pressing him brutally into the rocky mesa. She ripped his helmet off, laced her fingers into his hair, and yanked his head up so he could glimpse her out of the corner of his eye.

Her brutality in bringing him to heel set something off in his blood. Something he hadn’t expected. Something he’d only felt the beginnings of, when she had first slammed the butt of her spear into his stomach months and months ago. The rocks digging into his chest and stomach, her knee pressing the breath from his lungs, the pain of her fingers pulling at his hair. Her complete dominance over his person caused him to freeze in place, offer up no resistance. If this is how he died, if she slit his throat right here, even if it wasn’t a fight at all, it would be glorious. He felt alive right in this moment in ways he hadn’t before.

She was snarling at him. The rage he had always felt bubbling below her surface pouring out like a geyser. Hurt and betrayal. Tears began pouring down her face. “A week ago I learned an awful truth about a terrible man. A man who hurt people. Was responsible for many deaths.”

He felt his heart speed up. Whatever it was that was racing through his body was still present, his pupils blown, his breath coming out in pants. Sweat broke across his brow. But the anxiety he felt at her words. How had she learned about him? Is that what she was implying? Was she casting her judgement by repeating his sins at him?

“His name was Ted Faro. And he doomed everyone alive today out of selfishness. I cried in anger for days as I traveled here, Nil. I compared this awful man to other people I knew to be monsters. Helis. Sylens. Bahavas. Ghaliv. But you know who never crossed my mind in that comparison, Nil? You. Because you are not a bad man. A bad man doesn’t get released from only two years in prison with a Warden who defends him from strangers asking questions.”

This was worse. This was so much worse.

“Nil, a bad man doesn’t get set free to roam the Sundom by his Sun-King, to clear it of bandits that are drawn to the holes in the world he created. Doesn’t get defended by two royal spies to someone they have no reason to lie to about you. And a bad man, Nil…”

That fire that was in his blood cooled rapidly. Now it was like she was choking him with her words. He could barely draw breath, his throat was so closed up with them. Tears began dripping unbidden down his face. He grit his teeth in a failed attempt to contain them. But he didn’t dare look away from her during her scathing diatribe. She placed her spear on the ground next to them.

She put her now free hand around his jaw, leaned forward while pulling his head further toward her and whispered roughly into his ear. “Nil...a bad man doesn’t ask to be made Nameless in further punishment. He certainly doesn’t ask to die in a fight he knows can’t win. You speak of rules and cages. Janeva spoke of old, buried honor boiled to the surface, a knife with a thought behind it. Avad spoke of a man who he wants brought back into the fold. Marad and Vanasha who appear to share some sort of Shadow Cursed kinship with you, directing me as best they could to learn about you and not break taboo. Bad men don’t speak or get spoken of like that. You want direction, Carja? I can give you direction. But you will cease this moping about being a bad man. I don’t care if you’re a good man. Only that you are a good enough of a man.”

She then slammed his head roughly into the ground before she was off him in an instant, across the mesa before he could even gather his arms under him to stand back up. He wiped angrily at his tears, ashamed of their existence. 

“I don’t understand.” His voice cracked, betraying his wild array of emotions that were trampling over him.

“I won’t fight you. That’s my decision. You can respect it, or try to shoot me in the back as I go.” She threw something small at his feet, but he had only eyes for her. For her wrath at him. Her mercy for him. The Sun had cast her judgement upon him, and for reasons he couldn’t understand, she had not found him wanting. She would let him live. She hadn’t indicated that she knew the terms of his Namelessness, but it sounded like she was offering him a chance to finish it and claim his name back.

That she insinuated that he would attack her as she left wounded him more than that she had suffered him to live. “Your last arrow is the cruelest, huntress.”

He watched as her rage left her, leaving her looking tired and defeated. “Live, Nil. I expect I will see you again. There is a war coming. A war to determine the fate of all the tribes. Helis is coming to Meridian with an entity named HADES. Helis will destroy Meridian and HADES will destroy us all if he gets to the Spire. Everything you need to know is on that Focus, Nil. Go through all the datapoints. That is my direction for you. Go through them and determine if your life is worth so little that you won’t at least use it to help save countless others. That you are so damned, you can’t be good enough to stand next to me, help me achieve my goals as I helped you achieve yours.”

With that, she turned and climbed down the mesa. He looked down at the Focus. Direction. A hand to aim his arrows, draw his string taut, release his violence in a productive manner. But she still didn’t know everything. Didn’t know what happened at Sunfall. At the battle of the Daunt. At Cinnabar Sands. And what had happened to bring him into Helis and Jiran’s service.

But it occurred to him, that his past meant little to her, so long as he didn’t live in it. As long as he became better despite it. To acknowledge the harm he had caused, and try to make amends. There were things he obviously couldn’t fix. He couldn’t bring back the dead. But he could make sure those the dead left behind had a chance to live full lives in peace.

The power to change. And she offered him the choice to do so. His fate had never been in the Sun’s hands. It had been in his own. He had just been too afraid to accept that he was allowed to be forgiven. To forgive himself. Avad had known that when Nil had asked to be Nameless. This whole time, Nil could have walked into Meridian and left a different man.

He clutched the Focus to his chest, letting a few more tears fall. This time they were of relief. 

Once he felt spent, he placed the Focus next to his ear, and did as his Sun bade him. He already knew he was going to help. But preparation demanded he be informed of his enemy. As awful as his past was, he could wield it for good.

------

And I'll use you as a warning sign

That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind

And I'll use you as a focal point

So I don't lose sight of what I want

And I've moved further than I thought I could

But I missed you more than I thought I would

And I'll use you as a warning sign

That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind

And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be

Right in front of me

Talk some sense to me

~I Found by Amber Run

Chapter Text

Every step drained more of her energy as she got closer and closer to Meridian. Dealing with Nil had taken all of her social energy. And now she needed to speak with Avad and Marad about Helis. And HADES. This part of her struggle was almost over. The worst was soon to pass. If she survived and succeeded of course.

Once she was in Meridian she climbed to one the plazas next to the warehouses. It was almost always empty except for the occasional Sun Priest. As she entered, she found Mournful Namman there. Out of all the Priests she had ever run into, he was the single one she liked. He was soft spoken and unlike most Carja, repentant for the damage his people and his religion had caused other tribes and actively tried to fix relations. She walked over to where he stood watching over the balustrade to the lands below. He nodded to her in greeting, but made no move to speak.

She sat there for a few minutes, letting the quiet soak into her, the early night calming her. She finally turned to Namman. “Sun-Priest.”

“Nora. You seem tired. Stretched thin. Is there anything you wish to speak to me about? I swear upon the Sun, all you say to me will be kept private. Sometimes people just need to talk. To have someone to listen. I am good at that.”

“You are an example for all Sun-Priests to follow, Namman.”

“As you say, Nora. I do not wish to lead though. Only help where I can.”

She nodded. She couldn’t blame him for that. “Sometimes one doesn’t have a choice except to lead. For if no one wanted to lead that was good, you are left with only people like Bahavas. Who are all too happy to lead, even if it's to ruin and destruction. And sometimes you need to lead because no one else knows what to do anyways. And the responsibility becomes your own before you can do anything about it. Take the lead, and save people. Stand by passively, let them die in ignorance. I am tired, Namman. I’ve been tired and angry my whole life. And I want it all to be over with. I want to finally disappear and be left alone. But I have to do one last thing, and I may not even get to survive it.”

“I suspect you will survive it, Aloy. And if you wanted to give up, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t talk about it. I have listened to many people. The ones that want to live, talk about it. The ones that don’t, no one hears from again until their bodies are discovered. It’s just that their cries for help sometimes aren’t what people expect. Gifts of prized possessions divested within days. Proclamations of love where there had been few before. Grisly humor…”

Aloy smiled at the words grisly humor. “Bittersweet...like a smile through bloodied teeth.”

“As you say. Did someone tell you that? That is certainly a cry for help if I’ve ever heard one.”

She turned to look back out to the surrounding land. “It was. I just don’t know if I answered it appropriately. He is a man I have a hard time understanding. Respectful of me, kind to me. But claims to love killing people. And has a history of it. But he paid for his crimes. Went to prison. Got a pardon. But demanded further punishment. He didn’t feel that he had been punished enough. So he demanded your Sun-King to strip him of his name, made him travel the Sundom to rain justice upon any bandit brave enough to take advantage of the weakness he helped create through his past brutality.”

Understanding crossed Mournful Namman’s face. “Ah, the Nameless one. Nil. I am unsurprised that he has such pain in his soul.”

Aloy smiled sadly. “I know you can’t speak of him. So I won’t ask what caused that pain. Because no one will answer me when I ask. Not even him. I just came from a mesa where he asked me to kill him. Instead of granting his request, I pinned him to the ground and yelled at him. Yelled at him because he’s been moping for a year, believing that he deserves nothing less than death. Despite all the proof that there are those who, while they necessarily don’t care for him, do care what happens to him. The Sun-King wouldn’t have let him live if he was truly Cursed as Nameless correct?”

Nammad nodded. “Correct. To be truly Nameless is to be dead in body, soul, and memory. I would like to offer my insight, if you are amenable to listening.”

Aloy tilted her head in acknowledgement. 

“You do care for Nil. Otherwise his behavior wouldn’t concern you. You wouldn’t have helped him. You could have ended him along with any bandits. At any time you encountered him, you could have turned and left him to his business. And you didn’t. He knows this. He lives every day with the spectre of what he used to be looming over him. Everywhere he goes, every person he interacts with, has likely been touched by his bloodied hands. He can’t escape that. But he is a man of honor and rules, knowing of his family and what they stood for and did. His honor demanded more penance and was gifted with it from the Sun-King. But it sounds like he has finished his task. He no longer has direction, no longer has a purpose. This causes him pain, for he is a man of purpose. A man who requires orders. He needs someone to tell him what to do. And he might have thought, if you cared for him and knew enough about him, that you would put a wounded animal down rather than let it live in pain. If you are asking for forgiveness for yelling at him to get his act together, I would argue that you need no forgiveness and have instead have issued him an order. Nil hasn’t been seen by anyone of import except you. Which means he respects you. He is not a man of faith. Rules and orders were his Sun, his guidance. I believe you have become the center of that man’s world. He is yours to command as you see fit. So whatever you have told him, he will follow in spirit. What did you tell him?”

Aloy felt like she’d been kicked by a strider in the stomach. This Priest wasted no time in cutting to the quick. Dazed, she responded, “I told him to live. To go over information I gifted him with and decide if his life was worth so little that he couldn’t at least give it up in service to others. To fight at my side as I fought at his. To help me achieve my goals, as I helped him achieve his.”

Namman nodded. “Then that man will live. And you will see him again when you need him most. It looks like you need to think over what I have said. A last tidbit for you, huntress. If Avad’s Khane is the Sun, Nil’s Khane is the Moon. Both are necessary for life. I bid you a warm, calm night, Aloy of the Nora. May the Moon give you guidance.” He gave a small bow and walked slowly out of the plaza.

I believe you have become the center of that man’s world. He is yours to command as you see fit.

She leaned heavily against the stone railing and groaned. It was too much to take in. And she still needed to speak with Avad. She did feel better though. Less heavy. But still tired. She turned and began jogging to the Sun Palace. Her early night was just getting started.

-------------------

Avad hadn’t taken the news exactly how she wanted, but at Marad’s suggestion had given her Erend and the entire Vanguard. And he had agreed to fortify the walls on the side of Meridian facing the Spire. It had taken a day of working with Marad, pointing out what she thought would be helpful to fend off machines. She brought up Petra and her Oseram cannons in Free Heap and he nodded his agreement.

“I will send messengers to Free Heap immediately. Is there anyone else you want to contact that might be willing to help?”

With little hesitation Aloy began listing people who she had helped out that had asked she contact them if she needed anything. She also told him to send an envoy to her people. The Nora were basically wiped out, but they were owed their pound of Eclipse flesh while they still lived. She knew that whatever braves remained would be ready to fight.

That left one man. He had the Focus she gave him. But she had also offered him a choice. He knew what was going to happen and that it was going to happen soon. He could see Meridian from his mesa. He would see the tribes mobilizing. She trusted him to show up.

So instead of wasting her energy fretting, she turned to help fortify the defenses until Helis showed up.

Chapter Text

A week of laboring had passed before all the scattered help Aloy had called upon showed up. Blameless Marad had notified her of their arrival once they had all arrived. 

“Many came for you, by name.”

“The Spire. Erend and the Vanguard are there?”

Marad sighed and Aloy could commiserate. The Oseram were a handful at the best of times. “Indeed. Clashing breastplates together and testing out their battle cries I suppose. A number of the Nora have also arrived at the Spire. They have resisted the offer of a royal audience. Perhaps you could parlay with them?”

She swore that was the closest Marad would come to begging. Her people were stubborn and set in their ways. Ways that, if they were to survive as a tribe, would need changing or at least some flexibility. “I will. The ridge will be the front line. That’s where the city guards are holding?”

“Yes. Bolstered by some the...irregulars I spoke of before. The Oseram cannons that thundered Meridian’s walls in the Liberation will now defend us. You’re welcome to tour the defenses again now that everyone has been assigned.”

She had been over the defenses several times already. But she did want to visit her friends one last time, in case anything happened during the fight. “I suppose all we can do is wait for the attack.”

“Exactly. It is not a feeling I cherish. But our spotter’s at Evening’s Sign report there is still no movement in the west. So if there’s more you need to do elsewhere, seize this time to do it. Otherwise, I’ve made the apartment of Olin Delversson available to you. You can sleep there, if sleep comes.”

Surprise crossed her face. “Avad isn’t pressing me to stay in the Sun Palace?”

“Did he, or did he not apologize for his behavior? I assume he did.” Marad had a long suffering look on his face. “I advised him to let up on his desire for you and to apologize for not controlling his affections.”

“No, no. He apologized. I just...I don’t want to say that I didn’t think he’d give up that easy. So I’ll say that I wouldn’t have been surprised that he would offer.” Marad nodded to her.

“There are people that want to see you, Aloy. Avad has had enough of you to himself. He is King and other people such as his family need him more than he needs you tonight. Go.”

He shooed her away, but not before she swore she caught him winking at her with a knowing look on his face.

She started at the Spire. She hadn’t really had reason to visit it ever. So she took her time walking up the winding staircase. She found the Banuk shaman from the only village in the Sundom. Then she found Talanah, who she hugged closely and exchanged taunts with. Once up top she found Erend and his Oseram Vanguard all sober for once and trying to bury their nervousness with bravado. She gave her Oseram friend a hug and wished him a good fight. Finally she met up with Varl and Sona. She liked them both for their own reasons. Varl was young and eager and did his best to not offend her after the tongue lashing she gave the tribe when she last left the Embrace. Sona...Sona was a grizzled Brave and made it abundantly clear that she was only in this place because the Anointed “demanded it be so.”

Aloy swallowed her annoyance. Being out of the Sacred Lands was a big deal. It would follow that all the Nora here were discomforted. And being prickly was Sona’s way of coping. Honestly, being prickly was Sona’s state of being. She wished them good hunting and moved back down the Spire to the ridge side defenses.

She first caught sight of Teb, who was surprisingly not located with the rest of the Nora. He happily explained why he had been placed here, which was sound logic. She hugged him and thanked him for showing up and working willingly with the Carja. She said much the same to Nakoa when she encountered the fellow Nora Outcast.

Uthid and Vanasha only got noticed because Vanasha was being obnoxious and Uthid was doing his best to pretend he wasn’t being blatantly hit on, a blush running across his face and neck. Aloy smirked because it was adorable. She came up long enough to hug the old war veteran and then leave him to his fate, who smiled at her as she walked away thankfully.

She spied Petra down near the water. Once Petra spotted her, like all Oseram, she began flirting shamelessly at Aloy who did her best to deflect. The Forgewoman showed off her finished cannon, pride shining in her eyes. “Wanna fire it?” Aloy shook her head.

“I’m sure the mechanics are the same as the last time you threw one into my arms and made me murder bandits.” Petra laughed.

“Indeed Nora. I’ll leave you to it then.”

As Aloy crossed over to Janeva who was waving at her, her breath caught in her throat. Two Carja city guards were lurking near Nil who stood at the bank of the water. As she passed by to speak to the Warden, she caught them whispering to one another.

“Isn’t that him? From the battle of the Daunt?”

“Can’t be. Cinnabar Sands was before that, and there were no survivors.”

Aloy missed her step and almost fell on her face upon hearing his voice again as he responded. “Well, I don’t like to boast.”

The guards visibly jumped and huddled closer together. “O Sun, keep the shadow from falling upon me.”

She kept walking up to Janeva, as Nil hadn’t turned to spot her yet. Janeva gave a short laugh of amusement when they spotted Aloy. “So you’re the one behind all this commotion. Who made Sun-King Avad finally show his sword arm from behind those robes.”

She shook her head in amusement. “A king can be fierce and fair, Janeva. He’s a good man.”

Janeva gave a sly look at her. “A smart man too- had Marad offer all my prisoners a royal pardon if they’d fight for Meridian. The whole motley lot of them agreed. Didn’t take much convincing.”

The huntress grinned conspiratorially at the warden. “With your kind of convincing, I don’t doubt it.”

Janeva waved an amused hand at her. “Ha. This time I went easy on them. Those who commit the crime of attacking Meridian- they’ll see less of my lenient side.”

Throughout the conversation, Aloy couldn’t help but keep glancing over Janeva’s shoulder to the water where red feathers were standing proudly. Janeva finally caved and bade Aloy goodbye while jerking their head to the water behind them. “May the Moon give you guidance, Aloy.”

She gave a last quizzical glance at the Warden. People had a habit of repeating things to her and they usually pointed straight to Nil.

She told herself that rushing down looked desperate. And she was clearly not desperate. So she slowly sauntered up to him. He looked...handsome standing in the moonlight. It wasn’t anything she’d paid any attention to before. She hadn’t felt the need to notice. So much else was going on in her life, that people’s appearances meant little to her. But here, as she walked up, she took the time to actually look at him. He stood half a head taller than her. Sun tanned skin covered in scars that healed smoothly but showed as a lighter shade. Red suited him. He was well muscled, but not bulky. Considering how he moved when they fought bandits, it was muscle more for speed and agility than it was for brute strength. She’d only had one opportunity to see his hair, and unfortunately she was too pissed at him to really pay attention. But what she could remember of it, he had an undercut with what was probably shoulder length dark hair put into a strider tail. And it was soft. His face was chiseled, with an always impeccably maintained goatee and mustache. And his most memorable feature were his eyes. Fairly easy to read and were often what betrayed his hidden pain to her. As she drew close, they turned to her, glittering in amusement. She was happy to see that he was wearing the Focus she gave him.

“...Nil?”

“Aloy.” A shiver ran down her spine at the way her name rolled off his tongue. “I came and asked about hair like a splash of blood, tenacious as a scrapper’s jaws. I’ve thought about what you said. Every time, the wound you gave me caught on my ribs.” He tapped a finger to his chest over his heart, smiling sadly at her.

“But...I didn’t wound you.” She scanned his chest looking to see if maybe she had been too rough with him when she shoved him to the ground. He gestured for her to look him back in the eyes.

“Not by metal.” Her heart skipped a beat. She swore it did. Then he smirked at her, a teasing look taking over his expression. “Still, I forgive. A duel is such a fleeting joy. If one of us had ended the other, we’d have missed all this.” He tapped at the Focus but also motioned to the defenses around them.

Then he gave that slightly cruel smile she was used to seeing but it was continuing to be teasing. “The wait before blood is shed, like the scrape of a blade across your teeth-”

She actually laughed. She couldn’t help it. “Nil, you’re making it difficult to be glad to see you. But…” She smiled softly at him. “You’re needed. This battle will be hard.”

An adorable, petulant upset look crossed his face. “Hard? I was assured the odds would be near impossible.”

She smiled slyly up at him. “And you signed up anyway?”

He shrugged nonchalantly. “Impossible odds, fine company, killing without consequence- how could I resist?”

She swatted at him playfully, only to watch as he stiffened at her half-hearted hit to his shoulder. But when she looked closer, it didn’t seem that he was offended. Instead, it was more like that odd stiffness that had presented on the mesa when she had knocked him to the ground and immobilized him. His own eyes had looked confused up at her, his pupils drowning out his silver irises, his breath in pants that had nothing to do with having her knee between his shoulder blades. And right now, she saw the same signs. The same confusion on his face. An internally directed confusion, not confusion as to why she would hit him.

She went to step away from him quickly. “Nil, I’m sor-”

His hand snapped out, grabbed the one that hit him, and stopped her from moving further. He shook his head, then released her as if he had burned her on accident. “It’s fine, Aloy. Don’t worry about it. Once this battle is over and you have won the day, and after you wave Helis’s bloody head from the steps of the Spire, you can apologize then. And I can too. But that time is both distant and near, for war takes forever yet also a single second. Can I speak with you through the Focus while the war rages? I don’t plan on straying far from my killing partner, but no plan ever survives first contact. I want to be able to come to you if you require support.”

She pointed at her Focus. “I already set up the ability to connect with you. When they finally arrive I will establish an open line of communication with you. Voice only. If something happens to me or to you...did you want the line to shut off? I can program it to do so.”

She watched his eyes harden. “No. No one good should die alone. Especially you. If I am not physically there when it happens, I would argue that you should turn on the holo functionality so that I can be there at least in spirit.”

Her throat felt tight and she felt her eyes heat up. “Is this that weird thing you do where you really want to see the life leave someone’s eyes?”

His face blanched in panic. This was the most expressive she had ever seen him. Something had shifted in him over the past week. “No. No. Especially not when it comes to you. I just don’t want you to be alone if it comes to that. And I don’t want to be either. I’d want you there, to be the last thing I saw. But I’d understand if that is too...morbid for you.”

She stared at him in amazement as he looked shyly to the side, rubbing his face. Stepping into his line of sight, she stared into those eyes again. They sucked her in every time she saw them. Whether she was happy or mad at him or grossed out at his dark jokes and poetry...she saw a lot in there and it always dragged her out of her own train of thought. When she looked now she saw hope and no small amount of fear and discomfort. She chewed her lip and took a few seconds to just ponder at everything.

He was choosing to live. He was choosing to help. He already seemed comfortable at the idea of the Focus and how to use it. All because she kicked him down and yelled at him. ONCE . Granted it took a while to get to that level of frustration on her part but…

He really was at her command. He was submitting to her. To the point where he wanted her there if he took a mortal wound to help him into whatever afterlife the Carja believed in.

It was sobering. Granted the whole of the Sundom was submitting to her, but there was something more intimate to what Nil was laying at her feet. A responsibility she didn’t necessarily want. She had only ever been responsible for herself. And here was this grown ex-soldier just laying his life and welfare before her. Did she want that?

But as he said, they could talk if they both survived the attack. Now wasn’t the time. When Meridian and the world wasn’t leaning on her to save them from imminent danger anymore she could work out what the hell was going on. With that decision concluded, and seeing that Nil was maintaining her eye contact like a cornered animal at this point, a flush rising on his face, she just nodded.

“Very well Nil. I agree to that, with the understanding that there seems to be a lot we need to discuss.” The tension in his shoulders lifted away and he smiled at her.

“Agreed, Huntress. I have things I need to do if we survive this before we speak, but none of it should take long.”

Their conversation just kind of stalled after that and they stared at one another, both beginning to redden slightly, too awkward to initiate a parting. Suddenly a cough came from up above and they both turned to catch Janeva and Vanasha smiling devilishly down at them, Uthid behind them trying to look anywhere but at her and Nil.

“Anyways, are you staying in Meridian until the attack?” She quickly segued.

Nil shook his head. “No. I am banned from setting foot inside of Meridian for now. Hence the guards who are standing over there whispering about me and gawking. I will break that rule come the attack to help defend it, but not beforehand. I will remain here in the meantime. Your fellow tribesman over there has offered to run me any supplies I need. He is very kind, for a Nora.”

Aloy smiled fondly. “He is. The Nora don’t deserve Teb. I saved him when I was younger when he fell from a cliff into a bunch of watchers. Used my Focus to guide him out on a sprained ankle. I think he was 11 or 12. I was around 6. Rost tanned my hide for doing it, but Teb never forgot. He was the only one besides Teersa to greet me when I came into Mother’s Heart for the Proving. Gave me my first true Nora leathers. Said he’d made them for me knowing I would show up. I still have them. He tries to worship me as Anointed but he will still talk to me like I’m a human being and not just an idol.”

“Anointed?”

Sighing, she rubbed her hands across her face. “It’s not that long of a story, but I don’t want to get into it right now. I’ve been up too long today, so I’m going to head inside to the apartment Marad assigned me. Get some sleep while you can Nil.”

The Carja hunter gave her a shallow polite bow. “You also, huntress. I will see you when the fighting starts.”

As she turned to walk away, she reddened when her glinthawk gallery began whistling and whooping suggestively. Without looking, she pulled a rock from her pack and whipped it at them. She heard a clang and a grunt as her rock made contact with someone’s armor. She heard Nil snicker. “Scatter, you terrible scavengers. There are better things to do than lurk on other people’s private conversations.”

“Testy, isn’t she?”

Aloy audibly growled and stalked away faster. She hated people more than she didn’t.

Chapter Text

She had finally fallen to sleep after spending an hour chasing it. It was strange to be in someone else’s house that she had partially destroyed. Maybe it was Marad hinting that she should pay to fix what she broke. But Erend had helped! She wasn’t alone in this guilt!

It seemed mere seconds after her eyes finally closed, that a Carja guard was shaking her awake, notifying her that it was the beginning of the end finally. She pulled her armor on and opened her communication link to Nil.

“Nil, Nil are you there?” She panted as she jogged out of her apartment.

“I am. I see the fires on the ridge. They’ve been there for about an hour now. I assume Avad put off waking you up until he felt he had no choice? There are so many Aloy.”

She gasped as she made it to where the Sun-King stood overlooking the far ridge. The whole jungle was burning…

Avad turned to look at her, grim. “Campfires perhaps? Massing forces for the long march to the city gates?”

“That’s not wood smoke.” She felt helpless at this moment. She was one woman. And here was a Sun-King looking at her like she would single handedly take care of this problem for him.

“Then what is it?”

“The end. Or how it begins, anyway.”

Within moments, the whole ridge exploded. She heard both Avad and Nil gasp in horror. She realized that no amount of her telling them what these machines were capable of would truly prepare them for it. Only Sylens and the Nora really had a comparison. This was destruction on a scale that none in the Sundom could even comprehend. And it was why the Nora braves would be key in holding the Spire. Her people spent their whole lives training to be warriors. And now the Sundom would know why.

She watched for a few seconds as Khopesh after Khopesh descended down their newly made ramp. Then Avad stepped up to her side.

“The Deathbringers you spoke of?!”

She snapped out of her horror and immediately saw that no one was moving. They were all frozen in place. She turned and began screaming. “To the guns! To the guns!” She stalked in front of the guards who looked between her, the machines, and their King, fear and indecision on all their faces. It was too late to run. “NOW!” She looked helplessly at Avad when no one moved. 

The Sun-King composed himself and turned to bark at all around him, acting every inch the leader he was. “By the Sun, do as she says!”

Everyone scattered, sprinting down stairs to where Oseram cannons and archers sat waiting. “We’re ready outside the gates, Aloy. They are confused as to how I can communicate with you and seem to think I’m speaking with ghosts.” Nil’s voice amusedly came through.

“You get used to it. Be happy you don’t have Sylens talking to you or people really would think you are mad, trying to strangle mid air in front of you.”

Avad approached her. “Will the guns hold them back?”

She looked to where guards were holding their positions with the cannons, their ammo sitting behind them in neat stacks. “We’re about to find out.”

Aloy was shocked when the palace walls next to the stairs going down blew up from the interior. She watched as Eclipse swarmed out. Then she saw him. “Helis…”

“Helis is in the Palace?! How did he get in?! I should have patrolled the walls. Can’t trust these Shadow cursed guards to do anything. Do you need me, my huntress?”

“No. Stay defending the gates. You will do more good by staying there than wasting time running to me.”

“Very well. Good hunting.”

Avad finally caught sight of who she had been staring in shock at. “Helis?!” He began to draw his sword, but she caught his hand.

“No. Rally the Vanguard, and send reinforcements!” That should keep him safe and out of the way. She turned to run, but Avad grabbed her.

“Aloy- no!”

She snarled at him. He wasn’t meant for this battle. He had people to lead. And she owed Helis a death. “We need those guns!” She broke out of his grip.

“He will cut you down!” And this is why she had to say no to being his queen. She would not be coddled. That he assumed Helis was better than her hurt her ego.

“Not this time!” Before he could further interrupt her, she sprinted to where the railing was gone and leapt, rappelling down.

------------

It had been oddly easy to bring this man down, whose eyes haunted her nightmares. Over a year of being terrorized by him, and within minutes it was over. Nil had remained silent, obviously hearing that she was engaged and not wanting to distract her. She finally whispered. “It’s done.”

“For Helis it is, my Sun.” Nil responded quietly, reverently. “You are far kinder than even I anticipated. You granted him a quick death and allowed him a final look to the Sun.”

She blinked. He’d never called her that before. His Sun.

I believe you have become the center of that man’s world. He is yours to command as you see fit. 

She swallowed. “Helis at least tried to grant me that much when he attempted to kill me. It would have been...petty of me to not return the favor.”

Nil’s noncommittal hum echoed through. “A great, but terrible man has left the world, my Sun, but his legacy lives on and it trudges dutifully towards the Spire. We could use your help at the gates.”

She looked to the orb in the sky that Helis had glanced at before nodding to herself. “I’m on my way.”

When she made it down, she looked around but couldn’t find Nil. She didn’t waste time looking for him, grabbing up a cannon as Deathbringers and corrupted machines stalked forth. “Where are you?”

“I figured you could hold the line. I’m out engaging with the less...mechanical of our foes. The ones who can easily sneak in amidst the chaos and harm the denizens of Meridian.”

Aloy smirked to herself and she took down a corrupted ravager that had gotten too close. “You would go find all the people to kill.”

“Well, our illustrious Sun-King has given his permission to kill them finally. And there are so many. I may as well take advantage of the opportunity.” She heard him grunting. Clearly he was actively engaged.

“Shall I leave you to your fun Carja?”

He chuckled. “Half the fun of fighting with you around is the banter. Why would I give that up? These Eclipse are little better at fighting than the bandits we hunted, so you barely rate as a distraction.”

She could sense a wink through the comms. She knocked the last lone Khopesh down with the last of the cannon ammo, but then three of them stalked up at the same time. The other guards who had been firing cannons with her were already dead or had fled to the gate. She ran to join them.

She watched with horror as the several Khopesh targeted the gate above them instead of their group. It all happened in slow motion after she yelled incoming. She screamed as she watched the arch collapse on top of her. Her last seconds before the world went black were filled with pain and Nil screaming in her ear, asking what was happening, and that he was coming to get her.

---------

He ran like a man possessed, leaving that gritty old general, the viper Vanasha, a handful of Carja guards and a whole bunch of ex-prisoners to deal with Eclipse foot troops and smaller corrupted machines. He caught a look of alarm from Vanasha when he screamed Aloy’s name in terror and took off towards the ridge.

On his way he caught sight of Aloy’s Nora friend Teb and grabbed him, dragging the poor man behind him.

“What’s going on? Where are we going?”

“Something happened to Aloy. She isn’t speaking to me, and she was screaming a few moments ago.”

Teb looked at him incredulously until Nil pointed to the Focus. Appearing to have a minimal understanding of Aloy’s abilities with the Focus, Teb didn’t ask for elaboration and instead did his best to keep up.

They narrowly avoided a Deathbringer that was dragging a strange ball towards the Spire. Nil left the Spire defense to deal with that problem. Aloy was going to be needed, as he had watched the whole recorded conversation with Sylens about the Master Override. He could technically attempt it if Aloy was too hurt or… He abruptly stopped that train of thought.

He came up and saw that the arch that held the gates was completely decimated. He tapped and brought up the Focus’s field and searched frantically before he saw that she was buried under a thankfully shallow pile of rubble and that her vitals were still good. He tapped it off and pointed. “She’s under there and she’s still alive but I don’t know her condition.”

Teb nodded and grabbed a few survivors in the area who could still move and set about helping Nil extract Aloy.

When he finally caught sight of her he breathed a sigh of relief. She was mostly unscathed but was unconscious. He knelt down next to her and ran his shaking hand across her cheek, then leaned down to press his forehead against hers. “Not today, my Sun.”

He didn’t think about it as he pressed a kiss to her forehead, then stood up. He looked at Teb. “Get her awake. The Spire will need her. I will do what I can to hold off that Khopesh and slow its progress.”

Teb looked thoughtfully at Nil and then bowed deeply. It made the ex-soldier uncomfortable. “Of course. Good luck Hunter.”

Nil ran. He ran back into the tide of hell and he would hold it back as long as he could, using the worst parts of himself. His vision began to tunnel. He prayed he would resurface to find that he had only taken machines.

-----------

Aloy groaned as something was shaking her incessantly. It felt like a herd of tramplers had run over her. As her eyes cracked open, she caught sight of a worried Teb yelling her name.

And then it all came rushing back. The Deathbringer collapsing the gate arch on top of her and some of the guards. And she vaguely remembered one coming through, dragging a strange metal ball. She gasped as she struggled to stand through the pain. “Teb…?”

Once she gained her feet, Teb shoved a bunch of herbs and animal extracts into her hands. "By All Mother, you survived. I thought you were killed.”

“The others, are they-?”

“No, no- wounded, but alive, mostly. The Carja man- Nil- who wears jewelry like yours came running and grabbed me to go with him. Told me something happened to you. He found you in the rubble, said you were still alive." She saw a whirlwind of questions running around Teb's eyes but his lips thinned in a frown as he swallowed them back. "Take one animal extract before you go. The Carja hunter stated that he was going to try to slow that big machine down as best he could. That was about twenty minutes ago."

Aloy cursed, but did as Teb directed. She swallowed the extract in three gulps, ate a handful of herbs for good measure, and handed Teb the empty bottle. "Thank you Teb. Take care of the others. I’ve...got to go."

"Good hunting Aloy. I hope you find Nil has been successful."

She didn't bother to respond as she began sprinting, following the path of destruction left by the Khopesh. Her voice link to Nil was still open, filled with the heavy, steady breathing of a seasoned hunter fighting. But then she heard him laugh. And it was like no laugh, or chuckle, or hum of amusement she had ever heard from him before. It was cold, soulless, and full of cruelty. Her heart stuttered.

"Nil, what is going on?"

She heard a grunt of surprise, then the connection went dead.

"Nil! Nil, no!"

The smoke was so thick from the fires that the sun was blocked from the sky, the area left in a choking dusk. As she drew to the middle of what had been a town, surrounded by dead guards and wounded civilians, she startled when a corrupted long legs came crashing through some flames, being harassed by a group of people. As she knocked a shock arrow to hit the relays, a pair of hands grabbed her arm.

She turned to find a calm yet intensely worried Vanasha, dressed in her armor and looking worse for wear. "Aloy, before you go any further, you need to know that Nil has…gone rogue for lack of time to give you a better explanation. It is for the best that you leave him to Uthid and I to bring down while you head to the Spire."

"What? No. What do you mean rogue? Define bring down!"

Vanasha hissed at her. "We don't have time for you to argue about it. Nil has reverted to the person he used to be. He seems to have avoided killing people so far, but that long legs is the last-"

The machine in question let out a mechanical scream as it finally went down. A few seconds later she heard Uthid growling. "Put the knife down, boy."

"I don't think I will, old man. You look like you should have retired years ago. Let me help you take a nap real quick." She could hear the sadistic smile in his voice.

Vanasha cursed. She let go of Aloy and sprinted towards the shadows of the two men outlined by raging flames.

Nil had returned to who he used to be? The man who left holes in the world? Yet Vanasha seemed to indicate that he had targeted machines exclusively.

Before the spy could get to Uthid, Nil struck. Uthid was a capable man but…

The general barely managed to duck Nil's strike and dance out of the way. Aloy didn't wait any longer and took off after Vanasha. She was certain that if she couldn't contain Nil, either he would kill two of her friends or they would kill him. And neither option was acceptable.

Nil and Uthid circled one another before Vanasha joined the fray, striking unsuccessfully at the ex-soldier.

"Ah, the Asp. You look like you want to play also."

"I want you to stop this Butcher. Stop until we can get you to Janeva. Or else you will contend with me again."

"The Warden can die in Shadow, as can you. I will not be kept from my glorious purpose again."

She snuck up as quietly as she could while running. She didn't hesitate as she leapt over a pile of coals, swinging the butt of her staff at Nil's head. Now that she was closer she could see that he was in bad shape, like the last time they had cleared a bandit camp. He shouldn't be difficult to render unconscious.

At least, that was her assumption right up until Nil whirled with almost inhuman speed, grabbed her spear, and used it to hurl her away. Like he had no wounds. And his eyes… it was like facing Helis again. There was nothing human in those cold eyes.

He never let go of her spear, and it was only quick thinking to avoid a dislocated shoulder, that she let go and rolled over the dirt.

"Aloy. So good to see you again. We've both met and haven't met. I hope you don't take it personally that I want to slice you open slowly and savor every gasp and cry of pain you issue. I have been fantasizing about so many things lately and I would like to wipe them from my mind with your beautiful agony."

Aloy didn't know this man. This man who wore Nil's face, his armor… Seeing him like this broke something inside her. Seeing him look at her like he hated her. She swallowed her feelings and lunged at Nil again, Uthid and Vanasha behind her yelling at her to run to the Spire. 

But her hunter had her spear now. She couldn't leave if she wanted to. She also couldn't afford to be wounded. Looks like Nil was going to get his fight. 

She feinted a hit with her right hand to get him to block his left with her spear, only to spin her body around and use the momentum to slam the heel of her right foot into his right side, impacting into his ribs. 

It was like hitting a stone wall. He still grunted from the hit, but it was like he barely felt it. His right arm snapped down and trapped her foot against his side before she could retract it. "Nice try Nora."

Aloy snarled. She stiffened her pinned leg and lunged her weight backwards, kicking her left foot into his face while simultaneously grabbing her spear. 

He let go of it and her as he staggered backwards, shaking his head. She rolled away a second time, gaining her feet quickly. Before he could recover, arrows suddenly appeared in both of his shoulders, knocking him to the ground. 

"Nil!" Hands grabbed her as she tried to run to him.

"Aloy, he's not the man you've known. You need to leave to the Spire," Vanasha spoke softly.

"You shot him! I had this!"

Nil stirred on the ground, now groaning lowly. Aloy savagely shrugged off both sets of hands and ran to where he was sprawled on the ground.

"Nil. Nil, are you okay?" She knelt carefully next to him, trying to get a look into his eyes.

"Thank the Sun you're okay Aloy. What… Happened? Did you shoot me? Did I try to kill you?" A sob wracked his damaged body.

Tension left her body and tears entered her eyes. She sat all the way down and carefully pulled Nil into her lap. He grunted in pain at her jostling but didn't stop her. Her hands trembled as they took off his headdress to finally get a good look at him. Her fingers began carding through his hair on their own, the action soothing her. And also assisting to soothe him. His silver eyes danced with so many emotions that she couldn't separate all of them as he looked up at her, but she saw relief and regret prominently.

"I don't know what happened Nil. You wouldn't answer me through the Focus and it appears you took it off. I showed up to you and Uthid downing a long legs. But you turned on him. Vanasha interfered and then I also interfered. I couldn't let them kill you, nor you them. Vanasha shot you after I got a couple hits in on you."

Nil gave a shaky laugh. "She would. Did I kill anyone? I have no control when it happens. I black out and the memories don't come to me until later. I'd rather know what I've done now."

"You killed only machines until you made an attempt on my life, soldier. I heard stories of you. Whispers. Jiran's Shadow. I never believed your prowess to be real until today." Uthid walked calmly up. "Thank you for keeping yourself in check somehow until the last machine fell."

Aloy turned to them and glared at the approaching Vanasha. Until the spy tossed the Focus on Nil's chest. "I saw him pull that off and throw it. It matches your jewelry so I figured it might be important." There was smug implication in her tone and in her gaze at Aloy, as the huntress hunched protectively over Nil.

"Leave us for a second. Then I will head up to the Spire."

Vanasha scowled, but grabbed Uthid and pulled him just out of hearing range.

She turned back to the man in her lap. His eyes were glazed with pain, his body slick with sweat from the heat of the fires and his fighting. Warm blood dripped slowly into her lap from the arrows. She placed the Focus back on him. "Stay awake long enough for when the end comes. I promised that you could be there if I went down. If we survive, I want to know everything about you Nil. Trying to find your truths has been driving me mad for months. Only Elisabet has driven me so mad, but I have the answers I need about her now." She stroked a hand on his cheek. He slowly reached up despite the arrow in his shoulder, and captured her hand between his and his cheek. She couldn't name the emotion in his eyes, only that it was consuming him.

"I promise to stay awake. I promise you will know. Coming here… To think I almost missed this. But the Spire calls to you. And where you must go, I cannot follow. Not right now."

Her insides clenched in a heated, squirmy fashion as Nil took her hand from his cheek and he pressed a kiss to the inside of her wrist. "Go Aloy. Go and end this. I'll be waiting," he murmured. He groaned as he sat up, putting distance between them, and motioned for Vanasha and Uthid to approach.

Aloy stood and watched as Uthid braced Nil while Vanasha yanked the first arrow out. She ran at his pained yell. She had wasted enough time. She wasn't going to waste a second more. She wasn’t going to be any more ready and the Oseram cannons at the Spire had just gone silent.

----

You are everywhere

Like wallpaper in my mind

In my mind

I need to take you down

Quick before you take me out

Take me out

I knew you'd rip me apart

Left my heart with bite marks

Knew you'd let me die hard

Left my heart with bite marks

I gave you the knife and let you carve

But then you had to leave me in the dark

I knew you'd rip me apart

Left my heart with bite marks

~Bite Marks by Au/Ra

Chapter Text

Nil was quiet for the most part as she climbed the Spire and for most of her fight with the Khopesh, though she did hear him cursing at Vanasha who seemed to be prodding his wounds. Which seemed about in line with the vicious woman’s personality. She smiled but refrained from commenting.

She had left the smaller machines to her people, the Vanguard and Talahnah while the Deathbringer targeted her relentlessly. This was a considerably smaller arena than the last one she fought in against the machine. She narrowly avoided being crushed by collapsing pillars a couple times. But she slowly whittled it away, finally downing it in the plaza.

She didn’t share in the cheers of the others as it collapsed and she stalked up to the Spire, HADES at its base yelling at her.

“This is it, Nil. I have no idea what will happen.”

She turned as she saw his hologram appear next to her. He looked like the losing end of a fight with a rockbreaker. His armor was gone leaving him bare chested. The arrows were gone and his shoulders bandaged along with several burns and scrapes on his arms and torso. He appeared to be leaning heavily against a wall somewhere. “You look as tired as I’ve felt for months.” She snarked at him.

He gave a raspy, warm laugh. And her insides did that stupid squirmy thing again. Had she eaten something that didn’t agree with her?

“I expect that many people will be tired tonight. That’s if the Sun-King lets anyone rest. Toss up to whether he holds a huge party or just goes immediately into rebuilding.”

Aloy got a sour look. “He should let people mourn. Too many were lost needlessly today.” She scowled at HADES who was continuing to yell.

“What are you glaring at?”

“HADES. I need to silence him forever.” She did a half heft of Sylens’ spear. “It’s strange to think...the worst of all of this is drawing to a close. But there’s so much left for me to do.”

She watched out of the corner of her eye as Nil’s hologram came up behind her. “One step at a time. One day at a time. Janeva drilled that into me. If I tackled too much too fast, I would relapse.”

She could almost imagine his breath puffing against the side of her neck. And strangely felt frustrated that he wasn’t actually standing there with her. “The next step is to drive that into HADES. I wish I was standing there with you to help. Do it. I’m right here as long as the Focus allows me.”

Tears burned in her eyes. Frustration. Relief. Terror. So many feelings welled up in her. She saw Varl and Erend standing at the peripherals of her vision, watching her worriedly at her inaction. Gritting her teeth, she gripped the spear in both hands, then began swinging, yelling in anger. HADES was why she existed. Why she suffered at the hands of her people for 18 years. Suffered for an additional year while he tried to hunt her down like weak prey. But she suspected he was scared. All he had was Sylens to comfort him, not exactly a great role model and emotional guide. But she didn’t have time to talk him down. And she was angry about that too. She was ending the life of a being who hadn’t had a chance to really develop.

No one explained anything to him. As no one had explained anything to her. Choices stolen out of fear and selfishness. She was sobbing while she struck his container.

When her last strike broke through, she held on as electricity ran rampant through her body from the spear. She feared the Focus would fail, but after a couple of seconds that felt like eternity, after she whited out, the purple field around her and Nil solidified. She suspected he couldn’t see anything, as it appeared that he was frozen in place.

She turned to look at him even as another hologram started building. The unguarded look on his face battered her. Is this how he looked at her when she wasn’t paying attention? Full of longing, sadness, and pride? There wasn’t even any fear on his face despite that she had been shocked.

“Master Override armed. To activate, state name and rank.” She took one last long glance at Nil, then turned to find a huge holo of Elisabet towering over her. She took a deep breath.

“Elisabet Sobeck. Alpha Prime.”

“Master Override activated. Purging Extinction Protocol.” Her heart clenched as she watched the holo of her pseudo mother dissolve away. The world went white once again, and the world around her restarted as she let go of the spear. She stumbled backwards as HADES’s shell began to pulse with light. Nil followed her, fear written on his face at her pained expression.

After a few beats, a large explosion of light and wind was let out, knocking her off her feet.

“Aloy! Are you okay?” Nil looked down at her, but then his holo turned to look out at a random direction as the Spire gave off a large pulse of light. 

He turned to look back at her when it finished, a large smile on his face. She smiled back. “It’s done. We survived!”

“We did, my Sun. I will leave you to celebrate with your people, the Sunhawk, and the Vanguard out at the Spire. I have things I need to do now. It won’t take me long. If Avad does have his celebration, I’ll see you there.”

She looked at him confused. “I thought you weren’t allowed inside of Meridian?”

Nil winked at her and cut off the holo and voice connection, leaving her in silence. She sat annoyed for a second before Erend and Varl were there, whooping and cheering. The three of them wandered to the edge of the mesa facing Meridian. Aloy made eye contact with Avad from across the chasm and raised her bow in victory. Cheers arose everywhere from the city when they sighted her.

But all she could think about were those damned mischievous pale eyes winking at her.

--------------------

Avad did indeed plan a celebration for the next evening. She tried to argue with him and Marad about the need for mourning and rebuilding, but they had waved her off. It was taking place not at the Sun Palace, but in the center of Meridian, in the old Sun Ring turned memorial.

Talanah had come to visit her, carrying armfuls of silks that Aloy wasn’t really interested in, but her Sunhawk would not take no for an answer, like she had been issued orders and wouldn’t disobey. Not even for a harassed friend.

Which is how she found herself at the base of the stairs looking up to the plaza where the revelry spilled out from, dressed in fine crimson and gold clothing. They were thankfully not over embellished nor revealing, but she felt very exposed. She was used to the weight of leather and armor and her pouches. The sleeveless tunic and baggy Carja pants she wore felt like air. The only thing she felt had substance was a beautiful embroidered belt that hugged her waist, cinching the tunic in and holding an ornate but very sharp knife. A knife that looked suspiciously familiar.

She had wrapped her blue scarf around her neck out of spite and to feel more covered. Thankfully Talanah hadn’t tried to convince her to dress like royalty or she would have just fled Meridian, Nil be damned. Because that was the only reason she was attending. She didn’t want the looks of worship and awe and disgust. She just wanted to be alone to process this whole chapter of her life being over. She knew where Elisabet’s home was now.

Where her mother was.

She sighed and began trudging up the stairs. Nil had better show up soon.

As she crested the top of the stairs, the whole crowd went silent and parted a path leading directly to Avad who was loosely surrounded by the city guard, Erend, Marad, Vanasha, and Uthid.

“The woman of the day joins us. Welcome Aloy, Anointed of the Nora. Savior of Meridian.”

She fought rolling her eyes as Avad began speech making. Vanasha made eye contact and she was grinning in a way that made Aloy wary. Marad also seemed to have an unnerving sparkle in his eye.

Avad turned from speaking to her, to speaking to the surrounding crowd as she approached, stopping just inside the ring of guards. “Tonight we give great thanks to all who fought, lived and died in the Battle of Meridian. Tomorrow we mourn and begin rebuilding. But before all of this, I have had a request made of me.”

His eyes turned back to Aloy, smiling warmly. And for once there was no desire sitting in his gaze. Like he had finally accepted that they weren’t going to be together. That she wasn’t going to be his queen. She smiled warmly back but was confused. She had made no request of him.

Avad’s eyes left hers again and looked to one of the stairs to the side. She followed his gaze as the crowd began parting. “Khane Khensu, please come forth with your ward and your Nameless.”

Her attention immediately snapped to Nil, who stood blindfolded and hands clenched and bound in front of him. They were also bound to a rope around his waist so they couldn't move very much. Talanah and her adopted father Ligan stood to either side. Nil too, was dressed in fine silk, his headdress and armor missing. He looked considerably better than when she had last seen him but he still had plenty of bandages over his body. His whole body spoke of tension.

Ligan and Talanah helped him walk slowly forward, as he still appeared weak from the fighting he had done. As they drew close, Aloy mentally kicked herself as she saw Ligan’s eye tattoos. They were the same as Nil’s. She’d never caught that. The older man saw her staring at him and he winked at her with familiar pale eyes.

Was this man Nil’s father? This whole time she had someone else she could have pestered about the hunter. They walked past Aloy and all three kneeled before Avad, with Nil the closest. The Sun-King gestured for her to stand next to him. She moved up, feeling numb with shock. This was not how she expected to encounter the Carja hunter.

“Nameless, you faithfully served my father Sun-King Jiran and his deranged commander, Kestrel Helis for most of your life. You committed many atrocities under the Light of the Sun. You were known as Jiran’s Shadow. You carved empty holes in the world and in many tribes. You are feared and hated by many. But many do not know your story of how you came to be so. They do not know of the honor that had you bow before me and freely admit to your sins. Freely submit to whatever punishment I placed upon you. You still had your name, even as you served two years at Sun Rock. You came to show remorse for your actions upon the Carja people and other tribes. Enough remorse that upon your release and pardon, you asked for harsher punishment. You asked to be Nameless so that your house, Khane Khensu, would be spared your shame. You asked for penance. So I stripped you of your name and sent you out to help repair those holes you made in the world. I bid you to save more people than you harmed in all your years. You cleared the roads of bandits and rooted them out from their holes. And just yesterday you held off a Deathbringer long enough for Aloy to recover and cleared her path so she could reach the Spire. You still have healing left to do, but you have saved many, if not all of us, by easing Aloy’s burden. Ligan Khane Khensu, rise and tell Aloy your nephew’s name so she may give him back what he never truly lost. So he may look upon the Sun and Light once again and leave the Shadows.”

Aloy was startled. She was actually participating in this? No one gave her any instructions. She looked wide eyed as Ligan rose to his feet and walked next to Aloy, leaning over to whisper. “Thank you for returning my nephew to me. He is all I have left besides Talanah. You will state his full name, cut his bonds and blindfold off, and tell him he is now allowed to look to the Sun once again.” Ligan’s voice was trembling, like he was holding back tears. “His name is Amin Khane Khensu.”

Aloy had to choke back reciting his name under her breath. She nodded her understanding. Ligan returned to where he had been kneeling. Aloy couldn’t tear her eyes away from where Nil sat quietly this whole time. His clenched hands were the only sign of emotion she saw on him, his face perfectly passive.

She dug deep inside herself for calm. She refused to stumble over his name. He was allowing himself to be forgiven. He was allowing himself to be a good enough man. And she didn’t know if she had kick started this change or if he would have gotten here on his own. But she knew deep down, he wouldn’t have. 

She took a deep breath and drew the knife free from its sheath on her side. “Amin Khane Khensu.” She spoke loudly and boldly, putting as much respect as she could into her voice. As much command as she dared. Kneeling in front of him, she cut the rope around his wrists and waist first. His hands immediately moved to rest on his thighs, palms flat and down. The tension in his body immediately dissipated. She leaned into the space between his knees, feeling warmth radiating from him, his breath softly moving across her face. Her face went red and those damned squirmy insides were at it again. She growled lowly at herself and it caused him to smirk at her. Before she started to reach up to cut the blindfold at the back of his head she hissed in his ear. “I should stab you for this.”

He didn’t respond as she grabbed the cloth and pulled it away from his hair, placing knife in the space she created. As the blade began parting the material, she spoke to the observers around them. “You may now look to the Sun once again.”

She stood, putting the dagger away and gripping the blindfold tightly in her hands. Because instead of immediately looking to where the sun was setting opposite of where he entered, or looking to Avad, his pale eyes never left her green ones. She heard Avad, Erend, and Vanasha snicker. Talanah was fighting her own chuckles. There was muttering in the crowd at the borderline disrespect Nil was showing in not looking where he was supposed to. With a last heated look at her, he finally turned his eyes to his Sun-King and bowed from his kneeling position. “I walk in the Sun once again. Thank you for your mercy, your Luminance.”

Avad nodded. “You are free to walk the Sundom, to include the Holy City of Meridian. Your past transgressions are forgiven. Any found attacking you without just cause will be punished at your own discretion by the Sun Throne.” He said this last bit looking around at the small parts of the crowd who looked disgruntled.

He turned to look at Marad. “Blameless Marad, bring forth the casks of wine. Let us celebrate life and second chances tonight!”

Cheers broke out in the crowd and music started up. Aloy was suspiciously abandoned to Nil as he stood and approached her. She didn’t know what to do about that predatory look in his eyes. She froze as he gently pulled the hand with the blindfold towards him, tugging the cloth out of her grip. Watched as he took it and wrapped it around her wrist and tied it off in an elaborate, pretty knot. “I assume you have many questions of me. I can now answer them freely. And anyone you desire, who knows me or of me, can also speak to you freely. In case you don’t trust what I have to say.”

“Nil...Amin…” She struggled with what to call him. He still hadn’t let go of her wrist, though it was held very loosely.

He chuckled. “You can call me whatever you wish, my Sun. It was an honor to know you even as Nil so I am not offended.”

“But...You went through the trouble to get your name back. I trust you to tell me the truth. Given the constraints that were put on everyone else to not talk about you, you were as honest as you could be. You never really lied.”

She felt eyes on the two of them from every direction. She fidgeted uncomfortably. “Can we talk elsewhere? We’re becoming a spectacle.”

His thumb brushed over her wrist and he smirked. “I’d say let them stare but it is starting to chafe at me also. Where do you want to go?” He let go, letting her hand fall to her side.

“Out of the city. I have somewhere I want to go. Come with me. We can talk on our way there.” She held her breath, strangely scared he was going to refuse now that he was back, had his house back, his family.

“Very well. Your wish is my command. Let me say goodbye to my uncle. Then I will meet you at the bonfire at the bridge. How long am I packing for?”

He didn’t even question it. She stared in awe. This Nil was so different. But this was...who she had felt underneath this whole time. “What about reconnecting with Ligan? Your Khane?”

“My uncle has long accepted that he may be the last of the house. It was only recently reinstated when Avad took over the Sun Throne. Talanah will take over the estate until I return should he pass away. I did have visitors while I was in Sun Rock, you know.” He smirked at her.

“Pack for two weeks. We’ll restock as needed on the way. If you have any spare lenses, bring them for bartering. I managed to scavenge another override mechanism from a corruptor in the rubble, so I can teach you to tame machines for riding.” This time she decided to be brave and stepped forward, grabbing his hands. Though she couldn’t look him in the eyes. “Thank you for coming. I am likely going to be a wreck when we get to where we are going. I know where Elisabet’s home is.”

He squeezed her hands in acknowledgement, then let go. “See you in a couple of hours then, my huntress.” She watched him turn and leave, people in the crowd giving him large amounts of space, clearly still scared of him.

He could never stay here. Too much he had done. Too many memories sealed in blood about him.

Everywhere he goes, every person he interacts with, has likely been touched by his bloodied hands. He can’t escape that.

Her chest clenched at that. He may have family and a king that has forgiven him. But his own people may not necessarily have done so. And she didn’t realize it until she saw how the general populace of Meridian treated him like he was poison as he walked through their midst. Anger. Fear. Distaste.

Her hands clenched angrily at her sides. She knew that feeling. Maybe she had more in common with Nil...Amin...than she had originally thought.

She turned and slammed face first into Marad. A habit that was occurring more than it should. He looked down thoughtfully at her. “Leaving so soon? With the infamous Amin no less?”

Aloy frowned at him. “I am. I owe Meridian and the Carja nothing. And neither does Amin.”

Marad tipped his head noncommittally. “I just wanted to let you know that you are welcome back whenever you desire. As is he. Hopefully you make enough waves wherever you go that they make it back here and change his public perception. His house was...is...unusual. Most minor nobility are merchants of a sort or can trace their bloodline back to the first royals. Maybe he will explain the significance of Khane Khensu to you. I know he learned a bit about their trade before Jiran took him. Not too much as he was too young to fully grasp what it was they did. But ask him about hetep. I suspect...he may be his parents’ children in every way. Vanasha saw his reaction when you lightly hit him two nights ago. Their trade is one many remember, but do not speak of outside of private rooms. When I spoke of Vanasha’s training…she is trained in what I could pass on of my own knowledge of hetep, of my own training. Amin’s needed in the Sundom because of people like myself, and like Vanasha.”

Aloy was just confused now. Marad shook his head. “That is all I will say. It’s up to you to bring it up to Amin. But don’t be surprised if he doesn’t want to speak of it. Safe travels Aloy of the Nora. Olin’s old apartment will be repaired and held for you should you come visit.”

She smirked. “Aloy despite the Nora. I’ll see you when I see you then Marad. I hope life is less...interesting from here on out.” She walked away with that, not wishing to draw more people to talk to her. 

-------

Outrunning karma that boy

He's such a charmer all the

Bugs and their larva follow

Him out to Colorado

Ten dozen hearts in a bag

Their bodies lying he'll drag

Them down to Colorado

A modern desperado

And he'll race for miles through the night

He runs because he knows he cannot hide

He's never gonna make it all the

Poor people he's forsaken karma

Is always gonna chase him for his lies

It's just a game of waiting from the

Church steeple down to Satan karma

There's really no escape until he dies

~Outrunning Karma by Alec Benjamin

Chapter Text

She fled down to her new dwelling and quickly changed back into her armor, sighing as the weight settled over her skin, its embrace comforting. She took stock of her supplies, noting what she was going to need to purchase for their travels and what she could sell that was in excess. She glanced at her old spear and took the time to attach the new override onto it. She’d never really seen Amin fight with a spear, but there were not a lot of good options for having a weapon and an override in one object. And many people had admired her spear while she traveled. 

Putting everything away in her packs, she began moving down to the town at the foot of Meridian. She sold her excess goods and purchased dry food goods like rice, beans, and potatoes along with some salt and spices. Thankfully they would have machines to help carry things so she wasn’t against buying more than she usually did.

She wandered over the bridge to the bonfire. She was early so she inspected the charger herd that was nearby and selected two to override. Once they were situated near the bonfire she sat and waited. There were so many things she wanted to ask him, she didn’t know where to start. But she supposed at the beginning would be the best. Like how he ended up in Jiran’s service. And why it was implied that he did not do so willingly yet became one of the Mad King’s greatest weapons to wield against other tribes and his own people.

She glanced up when she heard steps crossing the bridge and saw Nil approaching. He was in his customary armor but his feathered kestrel helmet was missing, replaced instead with headgear like Ligan had been wearing. Some of the shorter strands that didn’t stay in the strider tail fell forward to frame his face. She liked it, being able to see his hair even if it was strange to her. The closer he drew to her, the more an odd anxiety built up in her stomach. It annoyed her that strange feelings bubbled up in her when he was near her. Like butterflies and dragonflies had taken up residence in her chest and stomach, fluttering around and causing her internal chaos.

He looked at her quizzically, sitting a few feet away from her. This seemed to annoy her also, as he had been taking some liberties since the battle to be in her personal space and suddenly he wasn't. And she had allowed him, and she never really allowed anyone near her to touch her unless she initiated it. She mentally shook herself and wiped the annoyance from her face.

“Ready to go? We have quite a distance to travel. West and further south. I am unsure what we will encounter.”

He still looked at her questioningly. “Of course. I assume the unladen charger is mine. If you could show me how to attach my packs like you have.” He gestured to the machine in question, standing sedately at the edge of the light provided by the fire.

Aloy jumped up and gestured for Amin to join her. “You can use wire around these pieces of metal. You can make it so that it has a hook and ring set up so you can easily move the packs on and off. Make sure that the weight is balanced between the two packs. The machines are strong but can experience wear and tear at a greater rate if care isn’t taken to minimize it.”

She watched as he pulled out some wire from his packs and set about attaching them. She jogged over and pulled her old spear from where it was strapped. She brought it back to him, noting what he was balancing out. Which was what looked like an unusual amount of soft and regular rope. Why so much rope? And why soft when rough rope was typically stronger and cheaper? More questions for the road.

She held out her spear. “Here. An override is attached to the bottom. The spear has been balanced properly to account for it being there. I know you fight mainly with a knife and bow, but placing it anywhere else is...unwieldy. Trust me.”

He blinked at it as he closed the last pack. “A...gift for me? I suppose that works considering you are still in possession of my knife.”

Understanding hit her. No surprise that the knife had been familiar then. She immediately turned back to her own packs and went to go digging through them. She paused when she felt him standing close behind her and his hand pushed the top of her bag closed. “No. You can keep Pointy. I will have to become adjusted to the spear anyways.”

She whirled around. “It does have a name. You liar! You said ‘who names a knife’!” She poked him in the middle of his chest with her finger accusingly.

His loud, unguarded laughter suddenly brought to her attention to how close he was. She felt her heart rate speed up and her face begin to heat. He looked so much younger since they had met up at the river. She had at first suspected that he was older than her by more than a few years, but now she thought he might be her age. At most a year or two older. As his laughter drew to a close she scrambled to deflect from how flustered she was. “What kind of name is Pointy ? Versus the more intriguing name of your bow?”

He chuckled as he drew away. “If you don’t like it, feel free to rename it. I think Stabby might be a good name considering that is what you threatened to do to me with it.” He went to stand next to his charger. “How far are we traveling tonight? The sun is already down.”

She tapped her Focus and saw him do the same as she brought up her map. She shared what she was seeing to his. She tapped on a campfire site to the west. “There. Past Evening’s Sign. I have no interest in being close to Meridian nor being near people for a while.”

She smiled as she watched him place a marker to help track where they were going. It warmed something in her to see him take so well to the Focus. Right as he caught her smiling at him, she swung up onto the charger. He followed suit. “We also shouldn’t go too far until you get adjusted to riding the machines. You will find that your abdomen and legs will be very sore for a few days as you learn to grip the machine and move with it. I can show you some stretches that I found help stave it off. And if you have some of those fancy scented oils you Carja love so much, you can massage your muscles too.”

He swallowed roughly, coughed, and turned his face away from hers. The charger naturally compensated for his leaning by turning also. Odd reaction. But they were facing the road they needed to move down so she kicked her machine into moving. “Give a tap to its sides to get it moving. You can lean or pull at some of the cables on the neck to turn. Come on. No big rush so just get it walking.”

She pulled slightly ahead until he got his moving. She slowed enough for him to draw even with her. She smiled at him. “Welcome to starting your machine tamer lessons! Life will become both difficult and easy with the knowledge.”

He was focused on staying on the machine but looked to be enjoying himself. He had a small smile on his face when he looked up finally. “Used to be, most Carja boys made an attempt to ride striders while they’re young. They'd sneak out at night as a group and take turns trying to jump on them and see how long they can stay on. Granted, this was while the machines were still mostly calm and the derangement hadn’t taken a hold yet in this area.”

Aloy huffed. “That is supremely dangerous. Did you ever try?”

“I never had the opportunity. The derangement had started only a couple years after I was born. I also...wasn’t allowed to do much except train. Among other...more painful things. Aloy, I know you have many questions of me and my past. And I will answer most of them honestly and completely. But as a warning, my life has little light in it. There has been little true happiness for me. At least what you would approve of being happy about. I was taken into Jiran’s service at ten years old. I have memories of a happy childhood, but that’s all the happiness I have had up until I met you, riding in on a strider that didn’t try to dislodge you, like some sort of avenging spirit from the Nora. You left quite the impression on me.”

She was happy that the night hid her blush, though the moon was bright. "You did also, kneeling among dead bodies like it was perfectly natural. You were so still it unnerved me. I hadn't ever seen a stalker before, but when I finally saw one sitting without its invisibility on a cliff wall, just waiting… That's what you reminded me of. And how true your first words to me were. There was a lot of danger ahead."

They plodded along in comfortable silence for a while, avoiding any stray machines that popped up along the road, taking in the destruction wrought by the Eclipse. As she caught sight of Evening's Sign she finally decided to begin her long line of inquiry about his past. "You said you were taken by Jiran, meaning you didn't enter his service willingly?"

He sat quietly for a few moments before answering. "I did not. Jiran was deep into his Red Raids to find sacrifices to the Sun to end the derangement. He had plenty of foot soldiers in the form of slaves, but he needed more officers and Kestrels. And those only came from noble houses or long serving citizens who had proven themselves. He required every Khane to surrender their oldest son, beginning at age eight and up, to his ranks to begin that training. I was the only child of my parents and though due to the unusual nature of my house I wasn't required for succession, they both felt that ten was too young and that I had the makings of actually being able to take over our Khane's obligations. So they defied their Sun King. And in response, Jiran sent Helis to our estate. He…murdered everyone except my uncle who was gone on a hunt and myself. My mother was the last to die, and I wish they had only killed her…"

He fell silent but Aloy sensed he had more to say. "My mother was last to die because she was the leader of our Khane. The only house that was able to have a matriarch. And due to our trade and as a warning to other Khane's contemplating refusing the Sun King, my mother was publicly beaten, molested, and left in the Sun Ring to die. I watched it all. And that was the first time Helis saw my potential as a butcher for his ranks. I blacked out and managed to kill the two guards assigned to watch me as I tried to get to my mother. Helis was thrilled. And so he personally began to… Train me is such a wrong word for what he did. He tormented me. Until he succeeded in bringing that blackout forward again. And soon he had me able to black out on command. After that he trained my body and reflexes to make me deadly. When I wasn't training or out serving the Mad King's bloody will, I was isolated and restrained. And in that isolation, I was able to start recalling the things I had done while blacked out. It was an agony like none I had ever known. At first I was enraged at the things he had me doing against my will. I swore vengeance. But I was kept in chains, never given the opportunity. So I started suppressing my emotions, locking them away until I felt nothing. And I just started doing all the things I normally did while blacked out just to have freedom again. I did rebel in my own miniscule ways once I had a small amount. I would kill quickly and efficiently. I would kill any women outright if I knew they were going to get caught. I played at enjoying it, like the act of killing was something… Sexual for me. Instead I was saving them from a life if being raped or beaten. It was easier to take no prisoners knowing what would happen to them if they were captured. So I left holes in the world. When Avad slew his father, I was so far gone that I didn't feel relief. I just wanted it all to be over. I was tired of everything, numb. So I confessed. But instead of executing me and giving me the ending I craved, he threw me into prison. And that's when I began wishing in earnest to die because Janeva chipped away at the wall I built between myself and my emotions. It caused a couple blackouts. Janeva didn't earn their position for no reason though, and they easily got me to yield back to my senses. Most of the time. It took a year and a half to sort through my memories and emotions and accept that maybe I wasn't a complete monster." She saw him looking down at his wrist which was covered in a vambrace. “I saw you in the Sun Ring when Helis captured you.”

She looked at him startled.

“I saw you and I panicked there in the stands. I hated Helis so much. More than you know. Both for things done to me and for what he did to you, because it clicked when I saw the Corruptors that he was the one who had slit your throat. And in that moment I got so overwhelmed with hatred and fear for your life that I felt a blackout triggering. I had to run away because I could have killed many people in the stands or gotten you killed in the ring either by my hand or because I would have distracted you.” He looked haunted. “I ran to just north of Blazon Arch where the tallneck walked. I was equidistant between the machines and a guard patrol and I prayed so hard that if I woke up, that I would be surrounded by only the machines. I was so scared, Aloy. Thankfully I survived and found that I had bested every machine around that tallneck.”

She had wondered at that. She went to inspect the tallneck later only to find the butchered bodies of all the machines. The carnage was impressive enough that she thought maybe a whole party from the Hunting Lodge had done it. “I’m very sorry that I caused that, Nil. I’m sorry that scared you so much.” Not prone to touching, the sadness in his voice still stirred a desire to sooth him in her.

"I heard those guards speak of Cinnabar Sands and the Daunt."

Amin gave a hum. "Cinnabar Sands was Helis's first major failure when it came to me. I had never been required to fight next to fellow soldiers before in a large engagement. In an unmonitored melee. It was in the west. Helis thought my violence would only be directed at the enemy. Instead I slaughtered everyone. I had become too good at what I did. I had passed out on the battlefield from exhaustion and wounds and woke up to being myself but…it was horrifying. I didn't know what had happened until later. No one was alive to report the results of that battle so Helis arrived himself to check the status, only to find me dazed in the middle of the carnage. It hadn't even occurred to me to run. And the Daunt… The Daunt was the result of the lesson Helis learned from Cinnabar Sands. He came there himself to ensure I wouldn't kill his soldiers. And that was the first any normal foot soldier saw of my perceived cruelty. And from there my legend arose. Jiran's Shadow. Butcher of the Daunt. The Survivor of Cinnabar Sands."

This time when he grew silent, she knew he had nothing to add. It was a lot to take in. The terrible things he had done. But also the terrible things that had been done to him. To his family.

"Your mother was a lone matriarch in a male dominated society. She must have been a force of nature for that to be allowed."

Amin smirked. "She was. But Khane Khensu was highly unusual. The head of house could be either male or female, and it also didn't require being blooded of the house to lead it. My parents were waiting to see if it was something I was interested in before they went about selecting a successor. My grandmother wasn't blooded of Khane Khensu when she took over. My mother however, took to the trade well while Ligan, my uncle, was more interested in pursuing being a member of the Hunter's Lodge despite being older and male."

"And what trade did your family do?"

She saw him tense. "There is a lot I have to accept about my house before I really want to discuss it with you. But suffice it to say that Khane Khensu was a house of teaching. We taught anyone who was interested in or required our services, poor, rich, slave, or citizen, in exchange for whatever they were willing or able to pay. We were given a stipend from the Royal Treasury to ensure we could apply our trade and teachings as it helped to…contain some people. Teach them rules of behavior so that they wouldn't do violence upon others or have violence done upon them unless asked of them. To give them an acceptable outlet with rules and restrictions."

Well now, her curiosity was running wild at his dancing around his house trade, but she saw how uncomfortable he was and let it be. "So Ligan doesn't want to lead the house? Are there others who could take up your house?"

Amin shook his head. "When Avad reinstated our house, after I had been reformed enough to not be a danger, my uncle came to visit and discussed the future of Khane Khensu with me. Avad desires our house to flourish again, to prevent people like me from running rampant. I wasn't in any state to take over so I asked him to search out any who had received tutelage from my parents. Ask if they were interested. He found many who remember my parents teachings but none who wanted to leave their own houses for a lesser noble house. Not even any prior slaves or poor citizens who feared the repercussions of a failed teaching or couldn't read to learn the full scope of the trade and not just the narrow portions they learned. When I spoke to my uncle before leaving, he asked me to try at becoming the head of the household. To try to remember the small lessons my parents taught me as a child. I agreed but I don't believe any would want to learn from me considering my history. But if I refuse after thinking on it, both Avad and my uncle will accept the dissolution of Khane Khensu and allow it be absorbed into Khane Padish upon my passing. Our library will be donated to both a public one and the Royal Library to ensure that the information is not completely lost."

"That's...sad. But I understand. You may not even want to return to Meridian. I saw how everyone looked at you. How they tried to put as much space between them and you as they could."

He nodded his head in agreement. "This trip with you will allow me time to think on it and practice things that I can do on my own from my parents limited teachings and from some of the books Ligan brought to me. Most of their teachings require more than one person."

She looked confused at him. "I can help if you want."

He almost fell off the charger he jerked so hard. "Unfortunately that is not an offer I am going to take you up on until I am comfortable on my own about it. And there's...more to it. That I really do not want to discuss at this time. Ask me when we head back to Meridian and we've gotten more acquainted with one another. We haven't spent much time around each other. For all I know you may hate me by the time we reach your destination."

She saw the truth in his words. They really only barely knew one another. The Nil she had known before was both the same and dramatically different from the Amin sitting next to her now. Amin was softer. Nil was hard because he had to be. It was strange to think of him as two people in one. But neither one had shown her any traits that she necessarily hated. "I doubt it. But things do change."

She was surprised to see the bonfire they had marked out to stop at show up so soon. She barely remembered passing through Evening's End. They came to a stop and quietly set up camp, not bothering to make a warm meal. Aloy promised Amin to teach him machine taming later as she snuck off to tame a couple of Long Legs to patrol around their camp and keep them safe through the night.

------

You have to understand that

The one I killed is me

Changing what I was

For what you wanted me to be

I followed your direction

Did everything you asked

I hope it makes you happy

'Cause there's just no turning back

Would you love me more?

(Would you love me more?)

If I killed someone for you

Would you hold my hands?

(Would you hold my hands?)

They're the same ones that I used

When I killed someone for you

~If I Killed Someone For You by Alec Benjamin

Chapter Text

He watched her leave and sucked in a huge breath of relief. It was hard to dance around his Khane's legacy. It could easily scare her off if she knew, as it was certainly not anything discussed openly in polite company. He'd wanted to disappear when she offered to help. She had no idea what she had been asking, nor how tempting an offer it was to him.

And if she knew how many of those fancy scented Carja oils he was toting around and what they were used for, she'd look at him like he was crazy.

And so many other things were hidden in the bottom of his packs. He'd scanned a few of his family's primers into the Focus to read through when he had spare time. He wanted to honor his promise to his uncle and Avad, but he didn't know how to do it while traveling with Aloy. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

He was burning up with embarrassment. To distract himself he went into his pack and pulled out one of the shorter lengths of silk cord. He sat down and began tying different knots and weaves. It was one the first physical things his mother had taught him, and one that had stuck with him the longest as knots were useful. But now he needed to try for the less useful and more decorative ones. Like the one he used to tie the blindfold around Aloy's wrist. He was pleased to see she had left it on, though he chastised himself for touching her without permission. He'd observed how she kept herself at arms distance around most people. 

Though, she had chosen to touch him during the battle before she ran up to the Spire. He'd been so delirious with pain, relief, and terror that once again he'd thought he'd hallucinated her and her touch. So delirious that he hoped that he'd imagined kissing her wrist. That was a lapse in his control that reflected poorly on him and his parents. And he...owed her an apology which may confuse her even more.

He missed a loop in his knot and weave and watched it collapse into a useless mess. He growled in annoyance and began picking it apart to try to salvage it.

He heard the traipsing of the Long Legs before he finally heard her approach. He made no attempt to hide the knot as it was fairly innocuous. When she got close, she gave an appreciative look at the cord in his hands.

"Knots are something you learned from your parents? That's one I've never seen before, and seems too elaborate to be of much use."

He nodded his agreement. "It's meant to be decorative. My mother sold her skill with cords, knots, braids, and weaves to help supplement our lives. Some of her creations became high fashion amongst Carja noblewomen for a while."

"You speak much of your mother, but not much of your father."

He hummed and focused back on his knot. "My father was a quiet man. Read a lot and wrote poetry. He was considered abnormal as he was very passive and my mother so outspoken. He had served in Jiran's father's army before the derangement and retired well before the Red Raids. He was tall and lost none of his sharp soldier edge even after retirement. My mother would send me to him whenever I would get overstimulated as a child. He taught me to center myself and to use exercise and fighting forms to get out excess energy. Then he would read to me out in our gardens."

She smiled. "You truly did have a loving childhood. I'm sorry it was ripped from you."

He handed her the finished knot. It was made to look like a flower. As she inspected it with open interest he gathered his courage. "I want to apologize for touching you during Avad's celebration. And for...kissing your wrist during the battle." Her green eyes snapped up to look at him in surprise. "I noticed during the preparation for battle and even during the celebration that you are uncomfortable with people being physically close to you. One of the very first things I was taught was to never touch anyone without their express permission unless it's to defend myself or others from danger. It's a lesson I've had to ignore most of my life and one I am trying to master again."

She pulled her lower lip in to nibble on it as she contemplated his apology. Everything in him ached when he looked at her. He wouldn't lie to himself about how much he admired her and wanted to be near her always. 

"Rost was very hands off with me. I have seen how parents give affection to their children and that is something that wasn't really offered to me. So touch is very unfamiliar to me and uncomfortable. Thank you for the apology. I was more concerned that people were staring."

He leaned back on his hands and stared into the flames. "Considering your discomfort at being touched and touching others, you have my permission to touch me as you see fit. I am happy to help you get over it, if it's something you want to master. I trust you won't do anything you are supremely uncomfortable with or anything that would make me uncomfortable also."

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her look down at the knot again, contemplating something. She abruptly stood up and walked over to her pack, fishing around in it until she found what she was looking for.

"If you know knots well, do you know braids well?" He turned to find her hovering next to him holding out a bone comb with flowers etched into it. His eyes flicked between her hopeful, determined, and shy look and the comb until it finally clicked for him. He hid his surprise. He expected maybe her testing out sitting close to him or occasionally tapping him in the shoulder. But here she was offering up something much more…intimate almost instantly. At least it was for him. He hesitantly took the comb from her.

"I know many different kinds of braids. You want me to brush and style your hair?"

She nodded excitedly. "My father used to comb and braid and style my hair until I could prove I could do it competently myself. Then he stopped altogether. I've missed it a lot. It was one of the only times that felt like a true bonding moment with him."

"Are you sure?"

Her only answer was sitting and turning so her back faced him. This woman was going to kill him, and not with a weapon, and he was sure she would have no idea why. He took a deep shuddering breath, then maneuvered himself to sitting behind her, his legs crossed. He placed the comb on his knee and untied her braids, separating them until they fell free with the rest of her hair. He carded his fingers through gently, getting rid of larger knots, surprised to feel that her hair was rather coarse. 

He heard her sigh contentedly. He calmed a lot at the noise, relaxed, and just let himself enjoy his movements. He had braided his parents' hair quite often. They encouraged it. He parted it into thirds, moving what he wasn't working on over her left shoulder. He started combing at the bottom, noting that she had recently trimmed it. He tried to be very gentle, but found that she wasn't really tensing up when he snagged on knots. He passed finished sections over her right shoulder, pulling more over her left to work on. Once he had brushed her rather wild mane out, he gathered it all back in front of him. He had caught her nodding off a couple times but said nothing.

"Did you want it styled how it was or do you want to try something new?"

"S'mthin new." Her words were slurred with tiredness. He smiled to himself and gathered a top section and split it into three. 

"Very well. This shouldn't take long then I'll take first watch." His only response was her head nodding off again. Chuckling he began braiding, pulling more hair into each section as he wove them. His fingers scraped lightly against her scalp every time he gathered more. When he finally tied off the intricate braid, the bottom sat just below the base of her neck and was large and neat, her wild hair contained for once. He proudly admired his work then stood.

He glimpsed her relaxed face, her eyes closed. "I'm done. Go get some rest." Her eyes opened blearily at him, then took the comb he offered back to her. Groaning, she stood and moved over to her packs. She put away the comb and pulled out her bed roll and laid it next to him, crawled onto it without a word and promptly started snoring softly.

He watched her only for a few moments before he stood up and grabbed his own bed roll, laying it a respectful distance from her. He retrieved his bow and walked to the edge of the light provided by the fire, watching the Long Legs Aloy had tamed pacing around.

He took deep breaths and purposefully slowed his heart rate, seeking to simply exist in the moment and think of nothing else. Not where he was going or where he had been. Not what his future might hold or what his past did. Just the heat of the fire at his back, the sounds of Long Legs walking nearby, wildlife moving around, the stars and moon currently glowing in the sky lighting up his surroundings. He held himself in that moment as long as he could, taking and cataloging all his senses as things happened then letting them pass through him. It was an exercise his father had taught him, something he had learned while soldiering but found soothing and helpful in regular life and had found again under the ministrations of his mother. Nil had relied heavily on it for the past three years, helping calm himself down when there were no threats around. It also helped him pick out irregularities in his surroundings.

Thankfully it was a peaceful night, the machines prowling around giving no indication of threats. When the fire finally burned low, he fed it more wood then called to Aloy.

She roused quickly. Once she was fully awake and armed, he took his place on his bed roll. "Wake me up before the sun rises if I'm not up on my own. One of the few things I enjoyed in Helis’s imprisonment was being allowed to participate in greeting the rising sun and only because a Sun Priest demanded I be allowed at least the bare minimum. I am not religious by any account, but it was one of the only peaceful moments I was given. I owe that Priest much. I heard Jiran murdered him when he spoke against the Red Raids and how he treated his own subjects.”

She nodded her understanding, then turned to look out as his eyes closed.

-----------

It was a lot to try and add up and puzzle out on her own. She was no closer to an answer about what his house did as a trade. Knots and braids and weaving. Soft silken rope. Respect for bodily autonomy. Not spoken of in polite company. A Carja Khane that was allowed to be led by a woman and didn’t require blooded succession. His mother had not only been beaten and executed in public, but sexually abused and her trade had something to do with that.

She rubbed the flower knot between her fingers in contemplation. The trade must be one of highly personal nature, not necessarily one that was hawked out on the streets as a physical item. A service then, as he had indicated that teaching was at its core. One that was important enough that it was subsidized by the Sun Throne.

She had seen men and women offering their bodies up for money during her travels. She understood what that entailed. It had never particularly bothered her as she assumed they were doing it of their own accord, that no one was forcing them. Was that what Amin’s mother did? But why teach then? Were there secrets to sex? Rost had given her a very bare bones, impersonal education about the mechanics of reproduction. Only the data points involving Travis Tate really revealed to her that people had sex for reasons other than pure reproduction. And it would explain why it would be lucrative to sell it as a service if it was something to be enjoyed.

But that didn’t explain the royal funding. Anyone could have sex and Amin had indicated anyone was free to learn and give however much or little they desired as compensation. Why have a noble house dedicated to that? Why knots, braids, and silk rope?

She let these thoughts roll around her head, hoping something would spark enlightenment. She wouldn’t press him about it or give him her assumptions as it truly seemed to make him uncomfortable discussing it. She’d wait until they returned to the Sundom.

The sky began lightening after a few hours of pondering and scanning their surroundings for threats. She turned to find that Amin had already stood up and was putting away their bed rolls. He murmured a good morning as she approached. Once he had put their items away he gestured to the north of them where a crescent of water was located.

“I’m going to that area in the clearing, next to the water. You can come and watch if you want, but I request that you don’t interrupt me until I’m done. After that we can eat some road rations and really start in on traveling to your mother’s home.”

She gestured to the water. “Lead the way.”

He moved at a reasonable clip to the clearing, letting her lead the chargers. He picked a spot right in the middle and walked around in a small circle, picking up rocks and sticks and tossing them away. When he was satisfied, he took off the head piece, the armored vest, his scarf, his vambraces, and his shoes and sat them neatly outside of his circle, leaving him standing only in his pants and the bandages that were still on his shoulders. With the light growing brighter on the horizon, she saw that he had not lied about spending a good portion of his life chained. There on his wrists and ankles were scars from manacles. It explained his tension at the ceremony where he claimed his name back.

So many hated him and didn’t understand. Helis had done his best to take away all choices from Amin. Many would probably say he had a choice to kill himself towards the end of his service. But then that left all the people who he wouldn’t have killed to be captured. And though they may have been alive, how many of them would have survived what Jiran would have done to them? How many would have died anyways in the Sun Ring? How many people would have been violated in awful ways? How many would have wished they were dead?

He took up a strange position of attention, facing east. His heels together, his left hand held flat and vertically in front of his chest, his right hand in a fist at the small of his back. Right as the very top of the sun crested the cliffs to the east, he began moving very slowly, but powerfully. He went through a series of movements around the circle he had cleared, every muscle being flexed in each movement. She also faintly heard him singing to himself. She recognized several moves from watching him fight bandits. Blocks and lunges, slow kicks. It was mesmerizing and a show of his excellent balance and mastery over his own body. Light began glistening off of his skin as he sweat. Once the sun had fully cleared the cliff plus a finger span higher, he drew back to his original position of attention then relaxed. He walked into the water and submerged himself. When he resurfaced, he quickly exited the water and collected his armor and shoes and approached her.

“Thank you for waiting. I know it’s tedious but I’d like to do this every morning barring an emergency.”

She was having a hard time not staring at him, his hair plastered to his head and moisture dripping down him, a satisfied grin on his face. She fought a blush again . She needed to get over being flustered around him if they were going to be traveling together.  “No worries. There isn’t a big rush at the moment. There are other things I need to do, but so far there hasn’t been a time limit attached to them so I’ll get to them eventually. Are your legs okay to ride? Do you need to stretch? What were you singing?”

“So many questions, my Sun. I do need to stretch a little. I was singing the Dawning Song to the Sun. I assume you’ve been awake at daybreak in Meridian?”

She nodded.

“Then you’ve heard the priests and some city dwellers singing it. There are three songs. One at daybreak, one at midday, and one at sunset. Many troops will train in the morning as salutation to the day. Now, what stretches do you recommend? I’ll do them while I dry.”

She instructed him on her preferred methods, deciding to stretch with him through his also. He put his armor back on and they mounted their chargers.

“Lead the way, Aloy.”

And so they set off west.

Chapter Text

They had settled into a pattern of travel that worked for them. They awoke before daybreak so that he could do his morning ritual, broke their fast, cleaned up and packed, traveled all day and on the rare occasion broke into some ruins to see if there was anything of interest. She did take one day up, having him tame a couple sawtooths for their protection that evening and for practice. They would scout for a place to sleep once the sun started getting low, often trying to find places that were safe enough for both of them to sleep at night. Hunt and cook dinner. Sometimes she would demand he comb and braid her hair. He would continue working on his knots and braids, sometimes reading the texts he had uploaded before sleeping. Aloy had prodded at him to let her read them, being the void for knowledge that she was, and he embarassedly had to decline allowing her. It was mortifying enough to read them in her presence and more than once he had to go find the nearest body of water and throw himself into it. There was so much to what his parents had known that hadn’t been shared with him. And his mother had thought him suited to this? He would have to teach people this in person ?

He noticed her getting more and more flustered every morning when he finished his centering. He tried hard not to read into it, but he had caught her staring with a heated gaze more than once. He now had to debate if washing the sweat from his body was worth being stared at like that, especially after all the ridiculous reading and the…highly inappropriate dreams that came from his imagination running wild.

A man can only throw himself into water so often and then be reminded about why he shouldn’t and want to throw himself in again. And water was beginning to become scarce, along with trees.

Dry grasslands gave way to cracked dry earth and they started working hard to conserve their water rations. They had traded up to broadheads to ride, allowing them to collect and carry extra water in case they didn’t run across any.

They had made it to their fifteenth day before they finally got to the ranch. The sun was well on its way to setting but his huntress wouldn’t be swayed from her goal. She kicked her broadhead to its ground eating lope as she spied a singular copse of trees in the distance. He refrained from speeding up, knowing this was very personal to her. As he drew closer he spotted the skeletons of two structures, their bones rusting in the air. He skirted around to the tower that was covered in vines providing the most cover from the sky and stopped his mount there. Along with water, they had thought to collect some cords of wood to bring with them, but seeing the small amount of trees in the area they had enough wood for a month of small contained fires if they could get it dry enough.

He got a small fire going outside the tower then pulled out four large oil coated cloths that repelled water. It hadn’t rained on them the whole time they traveled so he hadn’t had to pull them out. He fashioned a tent-like structure using the tower as a frame with a sloped roof and three sides, then laid out their bedrolls in it. They hadn’t caught dinner so he used a half skin of water to boil some of their dried meat with rice, root vegetables they had dug up that were starting to look old and wrinkled, and some of the spices he knew Aloy had hidden away in her pack. She used them sparingly but this felt like a small occasion to celebrate.

Their dinner was halfway done and the sky a dark velvet littered with a long trail of stars when Aloy finally walked over. She clutched something to her chest and rather than looking sad she looked at peace. To his surprise she came to stand in front of him. She took a hand from what she was holding and tapped his Focus where he found a new data point waiting. Taking this as her permission, he pressed the triangle to make it work.

He listened to the conversation between GAIA and Elisabet and was moved beyond words. Elisabet had never known Aloy would be brought into the world, her copy-daughter left stranded in a world that couldn’t understand why she came to be or what her purpose would ultimately be. But Elisabet had still guessed to what Aloy would be like. 

I guess...I would have wanted her to be… Curious. And willful. Unstoppable even. But with enough compassion to heal the world. Just a little bit.

He turned to her once it ended and looked up at her in wonder. Tears were shining in her eyes, but they were tears of relief, a burden lifted.

His huntress sat next to him and then hugged him, taking his arm and wrapping it around her shoulders as she burrowed into his side. He froze for only a second. Finding it an awkward position, he made to slide his other arm under her legs, keeping track of her expression should she indicate that isn’t what she wanted. She didn’t tense up so he moved her so she was sitting in his lap, her legs off to one side, her arm closest to him wrapped around his chest while she held a roundish object in her other. She tucked her head into the crook of his neck while he wrapped an arm around her back. With his other, he held out his hand to see what she was holding better.

She gently placed the object in his palm. “It’s a globe. The world we live in mostly looks like that from far up in the sky. The blue represents oceans, huge bodies of salted water that span farther than we can imagine. The green is the land. Elisabet died to protect this. I also fought to protect it.” She had pointed to each piece of the globe as she explained it.

He returned it to her. “Are you okay?”

“I will be. Is it okay if we just sit here?” She pulled herself further into his chest, like he was grounding her to reality. Which he supposed was accurate. She had found her mother, a thousand years dead in the middle of nowhere, strangely surrounded by healthy vegetation. Like something had gone out of its way to ensure Elisabet’s resting place was peaceful and beautiful even amidst a desert. He rested his chin on top of her head.

“Of course. Dinner will be ready in a bit though.” With that, they sat in silence. Aloy moved the globe around in her hand, staring at it like it was the most important object she had ever seen. He stared into the flames, mentally telling himself that this was not something he was allowed to get used to. Besides braiding her hair, this was the most they had touched in two weeks combined. He had to school his traitorous hands into stillness as they itched to sooth over her sides.

This was torture that he wouldn’t give up to save his own life. A test of control he thought he had mastered when it came to her.

He almost jumped out of his skin when he felt her thumb begin to rub circles on his back. He made to glance into the pot and used the opportunity to peek at her face. She wasn’t cognizant of what she was doing to him. So he settled down and enjoyed the soothing motion for a bit.

When he was almost certain that their porridge-esque dinner was going to boil dry, he scooted closer to the fire, making sure Aloy knew he wasn’t kicking her out of her seat. He used a square of stiff boiled leather to pull the small pot off the fire to cool a bit.

That done, they sat again in silence. Her hand holding the globe slowly lowered to her chest and he felt her begin to twitch, indicating that she was falling asleep on him. He let out a shaky breath. Do. Not. Get. Used. To. This.

He had yet to explain the entirety of his Khane’s trade. And he didn’t even fully know yet if he wanted to stay in Meridian to follow his parents’ footsteps. He just wanted to keep traveling with her. And that was if she didn’t think he was a deviant after he explained.

He shook her gently. “Dinner is ready. I need to get the bowls and utensils.”

She groaned into his neck but let him move her to sit next to him again. He stood and walked over to the packs inside the structure and took a second to collect his rioting libido. It wasn’t getting any easier to contain his feelings. And he needed to get over it. It wasn’t fair to her if she didn’t return any feelings. If she just wanted his companionship, he wanted to provide it without feeling like he was gasping for air around her.

He found the bowls and walked over to the low flames. She had woken herself up more. Accepting the bowl he handed her, she was avoiding his gaze. “I’m sorry if I crowded you. I just...needed comfort.”

He ladeled porridge into her bowl and then his own. “There is no need to apologize. I told you, you are free to touch me. I will tell you if I am uncomfortable. You have my word.”

They ate their meal without speaking. Aloy collected their bowls when they finished and cleaned them out with a little bit of water. He threw a lid on their pot to save the remaining food for breakfast. They found themselves back in front of the fire, both staring into it.

She broke the silence first with the equivalent of a canister of blaze. “Your parents' trade was called hetep.” 

He looked at her warily. “Yes. Do you know what that is? And who told you?”

She returned his wary gaze with a quiet one. “I don’t know. But Marad told me to ask you about it. Said Vanasha had seen your strange reaction when I hit you. The same kind of reaction you had when I immobilized you on the mesa. I know you aren’t comfortable about the topic, but you agreed to answer my questions when we started heading back to Meridian. I know we haven’t officially started back yet but...you tie lovely knots every night, act exceedingly bashful about whatever it is you are reading before bed, only to disappear for a while and come back soaking wet if there’s water nearby. I have some assumptions based on what little you’ve told me, but I don’t want to be wrong and offend you.”

He gave her a pained look. “Aloy...I don’t want to tell you until we get closer to Meridian. You may not want to be anywhere near me once you know. I don’t...want you to leave. I don’t want to have to leave you.”

She returned his pained look. “You won’t know that until you tell me Amin. This is something you may leave me for. You may decide to stay in Meridian to take up your family’s legacy. I am capable of trying to repair GAIA on my own, but I enjoy having you around. But it’s damn awkward not knowing this large piece of you. And I will find out sooner or later.”

“Oh Aloy, it would be so much more awkward if you knew and we had to travel together for two weeks. It’s been bad enough with just me knowing. My parents had so much left to teach me and it's been a struggle to go through on my own. If I had been raised to this knowledge, I probably would have accepted it easily. But so far it’s been nothing but shocking.” He rubbed his hands over his face in frustration. He really really didn’t want her to know.

She frowned. “I know it has to do with sex.”

He looked at her incredulously. “Then why do you want to know? You offered to help , Aloy. Think about that for a second.”

Her face went red in an embarrassed flush. “Maybe I am not so against the idea. I can’t be for or against something I know nothing about.” She looked horrified after the words came out of her mouth, but it quickly disappeared as she seemed to stand behind what she said now that it was out in the air.

He stared in shock. “I...I have no response to that. I like you a lot, Aloy. And I would accept your help but you have to understand what it is you are offering first.”

“You have to tell me. It can’t be that bad if Avad wants your house to remain. If your own uncle wants your house to remain. It’s obviously beneficial.”

“Have you even had sex before?”

“Have you, Amin?” Her retort shut him right up. He hadn’t. At least…not in the way they were speaking of. Consensual, with another party involved. It was why he was having issues with the reading. He had certainly done the typical male self-pleasuring but Helis had kept him under lock and key and constant surveillance. Surveillance that didn't always care what happened to a child of a disgraced and dismantled Khane. Even during his travels after being freed from prison, he hadn’t found anyone he wanted to share that experience with. Hadn't found anyone who might survive him blacking out should the traumatic memories of his mother and himself overwhelm him. He grit his teeth because he was cornered.

“No. I haven’t. But hetep is more than simply sex. It’s a way of living. Rules for those with urges that are...less common. Rules for those who enjoy giving pain and those who enjoy taking it. Restrictions for those who desire to control another and protections for those who want to cede it to another. These can extend beyond sex and into how people live their everyday life. My father ceded control to my mother in most things. She told him what to do and when, gave him structure. But she only had power over him because he allowed it. Consent is central to everything hetep is. And it’s why my parents were very careful about how they taught their trade to others. It can be easily abused by those who desire power, so my parents helped match people together according to their needs and taught them how to balance each other to not cause friction. It was a lot of work. My mother was the one who did most of the teaching, only bringing my father in for demonstrations as necessary. Sun, Aloy. I can't even really teach you much if you don't know if you have any…preferences. Sometimes my parents would be presented with children who showed signs of remorselessness, hurting their siblings, threatening their parents, lying with ease. Or children who harmed themselves. Anyone else was usually a fully grown adult when they came for teachings, already knowledgeable in sex but finding that they desired…something different or that something was missing." He was sure his whole body was flushed, both in embarrassment and no small amount of arousal that he was fighting to hide. She was correct though, and now the secret was out. She hated things being hidden from her, and he knew she was on the war path of full disclosure. She liked having all the information possible before making decisions and she wouldn't leave this alone until she was satisfied.

But to master hetep was years of practice. Learning to read others body language, when to stop, when to go harder. How to tie rope so it was snug but didn't pinch or cut off circulation. How much pain each person's body could withstand even if they wanted more. How to cause the right amount of pain and not leave marks. How to set boundaries and enforce them. How to have mortifyingly honest conversations like this. Different ways to cause and soothe pain.

He got so lost in his own head and whirling thoughts, he almost missed Aloy lunging at him. His mind went completely quiet when he felt her fingers lace into his hair and give a solid tug forcing him to look at her, to focus. He suddenly felt how his chest was heaving and his heart was pounding in his ears. A small groan left him as he felt his heart begin pounding for a different reason. "Things like this require prior consent, Aloy." His voice was rough coming out.

"You were panicking and stopped listening. You also said I was allowed to touch you." She looked hurt, let go and stepped away. He ignored the pang in his chest and brought his breathing back under control. 

"I said as long as it didn't make you or me uncomfortable. Though I suppose that isn't fair because just being in your presence lately has been uncomfortable in the best of ways. If you are sincere in your offer and not just being casually inquisitive...I will teach you the baselines. The rules. What happens from there is entirely in your control. You can say no at any time, leave at any time. I might be flustered and upset depending on how far we get but I will get over it, don't worry about me. Most of the time you will have complete dominion over me but I will guide you. But to fully learn everything I need to, I must be in control sometimes. I need you to understand that engaging in this is not typically done casually. It can be, but it is often meant for intimacy. Can you deal with that? Can you not get mad at me about unintended feelings and any consequences that come of them?"

She paused and he saw her thinking seriously about it. This was a lot to take in and they hadn't even done anything yet. She looked down at the globe in her hand and he remembered what Elisabet had said that might be resonating around in her thoughts.

I never had time.

She finally looked up at him and nodded. "You have helped me and never really asked anything of me back. And before you get upset at me about thinking of this as a favor to return, I think I'm okay with...feelings. I already feel something when you're near me. Especially after you finish your morning salutations or the few times you found yourself in my personal space. I don't know what they are or what to do with them."

He smiled at her, settling down. "That would likely be desire and your body would have eventually led you to a needed conclusion if you found the right person. We are, in a way, animals. We have instincts, some natural, some trained."

"So do we start with tying knots in ropes?"

He laughed. "No. There is hetep and then there are tools that hetep uses. Knots, braids, and ropes are all tools that can be used to help, but are not always necessary. I'm always fiddling with knots because it helps focus my thoughts and feelings. I have been asked to take on a responsibility that I personally know very little about. If I teach someone wrong, I may inadvertently cause harm to them or someone they are interacting with. And if I teach the wrong people for the wrong reasons, grave harm can happen. I am not one for responsibility. I have had little of it in my life, though not by choice. But now that it's there, I am having a hard time." He sat and pondered at the fire. "My mother was correct in her instincts of me. I take after my father. I am one who cedes. To be one who cedes but also be a teacher is rare. It means I also have to learn to be one who controls, which would be against my nature." He tapped his chest. "One who controls has an easier time ensuring they are heard and understood. To tell people no."

"Is…being one who cedes…why you stopped wanting to die in the mesa? Because I told you to live?"

"You never told me to live, only suggested. You ordered me to choose between helping others and living or to continue on my own path of self destruction and loathing. So I obeyed. And chose to help. That hasn't changed."

"Would you follow any order I gave you?" She looked spooked. Which was good.

"You look uneasy about that power. That is a good trait in one who controls. But don't fear. The great contradiction of hetep is that the one who controls is not the one who ultimately has power during interactions. That is the reason for the titles. The one who cedes, cedes power to the one who will control it. The one who cedes, in healthy interactions and partnerships, can take back power at any time. So if you ordered me to kill someone that I did not already want to kill, I wouldn't do it. I have to want to obey. And sometimes ones who cede will be brats about obeying, but only because they want to see what the one who controls will do about it. But that comes with knowing each other."

"Why is fear good for one who controls? Wouldn't confidence be better?"

"Yes and no. Fear indicates that you know you have a responsibility to the one who cedes. Depending on the scope of the interaction, you agree to take on the safety and well-being of the one who cedes. With the more dangerous interactions, it becomes quite literal. An untrained one who controls can easily kill or permanently damage their partner without meaning to. Ones who control typically receive more training due to this."

She looked even more scared. "There are dangerous interactions? Like what?"

He shifted uncomfortably. "There are those who like…being cut or being choked. Knowing how to do those things without killing your partner and how to care for them afterwards are necessary."

"There are people like that? And that brings them pleasure?" She looked incredulous.

He frowned at her. "It is not for you to judge them. It is not for anyone to judge them. If they consent to the action and the act is done as safely as possible, it is not for you to intercede. Mistakes do happen, and people can die in the more drastic interactions. But know they would seek it out regardless and likely from someone who doesn't have their well-being in mind nor the necessary training. Avad has been made aware of the fact that many avoidable deaths have occurred since my Khane fell. And a handful of concerning children have been imprisoned for the safety of those around them. Ligan has made the library available but for many of them, it's too late to instill the necessary foundation for them to live safely in society. Khane Khensu allowed many of those without remorse to safely navigate life without becoming a menace. Their interactions are always with two others to ensure control is returned to those who cede. But it gives them an outlet and allows them to function."

She looked absolutely dazed and it appeared the night was catching up to her finally. "I have more questions but I suppose they can wait. Can we stay here for a few days? I'm enjoying being away from obligations."

He smirked at her. "Ah, but you have gained more while here unless you've had your fill of learning."

She snorted as she walked over to their bed rolls. He watched amusedly as she dragged her bed roll right next to his. 

"And what is it you think you're doing, my Sun?"

She pointedly laid down and pat his bed roll, trying to coax him to it. He stubbornly sat next to the fire, amusement curling through him. When she finally answered, he could hear the annoyance and unsureness in her voice.

"If I want to help you, I kind of have to get used to being close to you and touching you."

"And what happens if you wake up tomorrow with me pressed up against you? Will you get mad at me because I unknowingly sought your warmth out without your permission?"

She grumbled. "I won't get mad. Just get over here."

"So testy. Very well." He wanted very badly to just cave to her demands, but he also wanted to be very clear with her about expectations. Which he supposed she was his first student. And she was a very dominant individual and they were both learning. This could go very well or disastrously. He went over to her, took his armor off, and laid next to her, careful to not touch her. To his surprise she rolled right into him, laying her head on his shoulder, throwing her arm across his chest.

"You don't need to move so fast. We can go slowly."

She shook her head into his shoulder. "I am, unfortunately, a face my problems head on kind of person. Rip off the wound dressing. Besides, I liked being held earlier. I may ask for it more."

He curled his arm around her shoulders and smiled. "Ah, my huntress. Feel free to demand it of me. I will happily follow that order."

They both settled into the quiet, only the sound of insects to lull them to sleep. There had been no signs of machines for miles and they deemed the ranch a safe area.

He again told himself this wasn't anything he could get used to as his eyes drifted closed.

—------

I like to think about how we all look from afar

People driving fancy cars look like beetles to the stars

The missiles and the bombs sound like symphonies gone wrong

And if there is a God they'll know why it's so hard

To be human

To be human

Still, I don't know, don't know what it means

To be human, a real human being

I want connection (To be human)

I want to feel human again

Lost my direction (To be human)

I want to feel human again

-To Be Human MARINA

Chapter Text

When she finally stirred, she felt glorious weight sitting over legs and waist. But something was annoyingly poking her backside. Her eyes fluttered open to find that the sun was already well up in the sky. Not sensing any danger as their broadhorns were sedately tilling earth nearby, she did a normal inventory of her person upon waking. She glanced down to see what was weighing on her lower half to find that a leg was thrown over hers and an arm was secured around her waist.

She managed to remember demanding that Amin sleep next to her before she grew panicked. But that still didn't explain what was poking her...ohhhhhh. Her face heated in embarrassment. Simply sleeping next to her garnered this reaction from him? She felt that this may have been what he had been warning her about when he said pressed up against her. And that it wasn't voluntary. Was this a problem most men suffered?

She calmed herself, although it bouncing occasionally distracted her enough that she decided to just roll over to face him. Her movement caused him to finally stir and he smiled sleepily at her, causing her insides to clench. It was such a sweet smile.

"Morning my Sun. Looks like I missed my morning salutations." He yawned and stretched, then his face, neck, and chest flushed as he apparently took stock of his pants tenting. He glanced worriedly down at her and all she could do was smirk savagely at him.

"It appears not all of you missed out on morning salutations."

This grown man and seasoned soldier actually squeaked as he scrambled to stand and walk away quickly. His quick retreat only triggered a desire to chase after him because that reaction was so...cute? She was confused and intrigued by his several facets. A man who had been hardened and rough through necessity was showing that he was in fact rather soft under it all. It was like he had armor he could take on and off when it came to his personality. When he felt safe it came off. When threatened he was all sharp edges. And his normal existence was somewhere in the middle.

She let him retreat, not willing to make anything more awkward than it needed to be. She took out a stick from her pack that she had taken time to peel the flexible bark back in very small strands and chewed and scrubbed it back and forth to clean her teeth. Then she stoked the fire back up and set their pot of leftovers to warm up over some coals.

When Nil came back he was composed but still flushed. "I am sorry about that. Most men suffer from that every morning."

So he hadn't been warning her about it. Literally just slipped his mind that it could happen. Something so normal it hadn't really warranted a warning.

“Are you going to run away every morning it happens then?” She gave him an innocent look from where she was sitting.

He looked away shyly but walked up to sit next to her. “No.”

She ladled their breakfast into bowls and handed Nil his. “Then there’s nothing to apologize for. If it's something you have no control over, there is no reason to be ashamed. Otherwise, I need to be ashamed once a month when my blood arrives.” He nodded, eating his food slowly.

She noticed him fiddling around in the Focus but let him alone. She finished her meal and cleaned out her bowl then waited patiently either for him to speak or to finish his food. Once finished, she cleaned his bowl and he finally spoke. "I have selected a couple of texts for you to go over if you desire. Day to day interactions, how to set boundaries, rules, punishments, and discipline. Your reading is focused for one who controls and how to interact with me."

"Um...punishments? Discipline?"

"If one who cedes does something out of bounds for one who controls, there are repercussions. Punishments are never vindictive or done out of anger, but can be very painful. It is the duty of the one who controls to be clear about expectations and what occurs as a result of those expectations not being met and enforcing the punishment in a straightforward and professional manner. It is allowed to be physical corrections or simply verbal chastisement."

His brows had been furrowed and before she could inquire, she watched him adjust how he was sitting. Instead of sitting with his rear on the ground, legs crossed or straight out in front of him, he pulled his bed roll over, kneeled on it and sat back on his heels, his knees spaced shoulder width apart. He laid his palms on the tops of his thighs, fingers angled inward. His posture straightened but he kept his head angled forward deferentially.

"What are you doing?"

"I am practicing waiting. Please read the first text and I will answer your questions to the best of my ability when you finish. Like you, I am learning, and learning to wait patiently and quietly is something I must master."

"Why have you decided for me to be one who controls?"

He smirked at her. "Read." He put authority and direction into his voice and she immediately felt defensive. Her posture tensed up and she frowned at him. 

He pointed a finger at her. "That's why. You are not used to following direct orders, you don't like it. I have spent my whole life being directed, and though I wish most of it had never happened, I enjoyed not having to make decisions for myself. Life was…simple even if I hated what I was doing and what was being done to me."

Aloy had always hated being told what to do even if it logically made sense. She had loved Rost but they had butted heads constantly, two very dominant personalities who were set in their beliefs of how things should be. And so she accepted Nil's assessment. He had returned to his position and seemed to stare at nothing, his face blank.

She tapped her Focus and brought up the first of the texts that Nil had sent to it. It wasn’t a long read, just an introduction and definitions and vocabulary. Nil had covered a lot of it already. The primer listed various preferences that were used in what he had called interactions, which had time limits and had hard limits. However the book also stated that there were those who lived the whole lifestyle of hetep and that the one who controls was allowed to decide everything for those they accepted control from. What to eat, what to do, when to sleep. Literally everything. It was suggested that ones who cede be allowed personal time away occasionally to pursue jobs and hobbies free of constraints but still suggested that they be watched over by one who controls to ensure their safety in case of rampant emotions. Ones who cede were to be trained to seek out someone to center them before they hurt themselves unintentionally.

It was very hard to think of Nil as someone who would lose control, but she supposed that might be what every one his blackouts had been. A complete loss of control, with a poor handler like Helis instigating instead of soothing and centering him. He had been used and damaged by his own nature. Aloy hated Helis all the more. Maybe he shouldn't have been granted that final mercy by her. Nil had been a sweet child as far as his stories indicated, only to be warped horrifically against his will. His parents had raised him to care for the well-being of others, even those who were remorseless. 

She ripped her thoughts away as she was only making herself angry. And an angry handler could upset their charge. As she perused through recommended punishments she went red. It was highly recommended to give swift swats to the rear with hands for minor transgressions, paddles for larger ones, and...controlled whipping for blatant disrespect or self endangerment. Inflicting minor pain featured quite a bit.

Most of those who ceded…enjoyed pain in small increments. Not all, but this primer seemed to be a compilation of several teachers' experiences. They tended to be eager to please the one who controls, sometimes to their own detriment, particularly those who chose to live it rather than occasionally experience it. They enjoyed being useful and serving. And they adored the attention of the one who controls.

So. Rules and expectations. Something that for those experienced in hetep and the ones they practiced with didn't need to be fully discussed as they were generally understood. She wasn't and neither was Nil. Which meant they needed to have a blunt discussion about it.

She could do this. It wasn't embarrassing in the least. She could handle potentially spanking a grown man.

She tapped her Focus off to find that Nil hadn't moved at all, though his eyes were half closed, like he was sitting in a daze.

"I have completed the reading, Nil. It appears we need to discuss expectations, rules, and the consequences of not meeting them."

His eyes sharpened back into the moment but they never moved from where they were looking. His cheeks warmed. "Of course, my Sun."

"I do not desire to manage every aspect of your life while we are in areas that are unsafe. I expect a partner then. While we are in reasonably safe areas I would be honored to try to master being one who controls to you but I may balk at things I feel could be handled without my express permission at first. You will never call me Anointed nor Seeker nor Savior . I am uncomfortable still with being referenced as 'my' anything by you but I can get used to it. If we encounter unsafe situations despite thinking we are, you are free to disobey but you will still receive minor punishment as reinforcement of rules. I trust you to know what I can and cannot handle on my own, as you have done well already so far in that judgment. Is that acceptable for you so far?"

She watched as he looked quietly pleased as she spoke, but he still didn't look up at her. "Yes, my huntress."

"Do you have anything to add, Nil? You are the more versed here."

"I wish to serve and please you in any way I can that makes you happy, my huntress. As long as we have our arrangement, you will be the center of my existence. I will do whatever you ask or order and I will certainly attempt to guess should you do neither and I expect to be punished or disciplined accordingly. And I look forward to when you get comfortable enough to place your hands on me." His last words came out as a purr and a shiver bolted through her body at it. Thinking back to the mesa and how he had looked up at her after she had violently pinned him… She looked forward to being comfortable too and she still didn't know what to do about it.

Rip off the wound dressing. She could do this. She wanted to do this for him. She moved to sit at the end of his bed roll, next to him. "Come here. Lay down on your side and place your head on my lap."

The pleased look he had been wearing melted to shyness, and he hesitated a few seconds before he gently lowered himself and laid his head in her lap, his body spread over the length of his bedding. He was tense until she pulled his hair out of its strider tail and ran her fingers through it, scraping her nails gently against his scalp. He then melted into her. She gave a gentle tug on his hair. "Never hesitate when I tell you to do something."

She heard a strangled groan before he responded with a raspy "Yes my huntress."

"Is tugging your hair out of bounds for you?"

She felt him rub his cheek against her leg as he responded. "It is not, my huntress."

"Is there anything you would consider out of bounds?"

She felt him thinking and she saw his ears reddening. She reached her free hand around and grasped his jaw, turning his head so he looked her in the eyes.

"You can do anything to me except ignore me or hit me with intent to cause serious harm out of anger, my huntress. I am yours."

"So what happened on the mesa is out of bounds?" The hand in his hair tightened a fraction. She watched fascinated as his pupils grew wide, eating up his silver eyes, as his mouth parted to pant and let out another strangled groan.

"No, my huntress. You weren't intent on harming me. Only stopping me from harming myself." She read the hunger in his gaze and suddenly felt bad for prodding him so. But the look he directed at her was so unguarded and honest, it hit something in her. She was unsure what to do. She let go of his jaw and stroked his cheek softly and released his hair to run her fingers through it again.

"I really am going to have a rough time of this. Though before seeing you at the river I had only seen you a small amount, I still have a hard time seeing you like this. Pliant and soft. Yet I like it too. Is that bad?"

His breathing evened out. "No. I have hidden this part of myself for years, but the Nil you knew is still here. Just tempered." He smiled slyly, as something seemed to occur to him. "I think you like misbehavior. So you can assert your dominance. I can be that for you, my huntress. Train you to be the one who controls through flaunting your authority. Make you want to discipline me thoroughly."

Feelings of being threatened and being excited about it stole over her. Her fingers had unconsciously gripped his hair once again as he had tried to perch himself up on his elbow to get closer to her face. He hissed as he met resistance from his hair and then chuckled darkly. Now she was cognizant of her own chest heaving, her pulse pounding in her ears. He was goading her in ways she didn't know she could be goaded. She wanted to teach him a lesson for testing her, knowing it was a lesson he wanted out of her.

She gave him a feral smile. "You don't get to manipulate me into getting exactly what you want Nil. I'm not so naive. I was just trying to initiate touching you and here you are prodding me into disciplining you." She shoved him as gently as she could into kneeling, making sure his ankles were crossed so she could shove a foot between them. She then quickly gathered his hands, placed them on the back of his head, and laced her fingers into both his fingers and his hair, forcing him to sit uncomfortably upright as she pulled back. "You will come to this position when I tell you that you have misbehaved. You will have a few moments to try to discern how you have misbehaved and why I am displeased. This exact, uncomfortable position. Your elbows will be as far back as you can manage, your back straight. You will recite what you believe me to be upset about. Is that clear, Amin?"

He was completely subsumed by her dominion. Sweat had broken out across his skin, his panting audible, and to her fascination, his pants tented again. He let out a groan that morphed into a whine. "Yes, my huntress."

"What have you done to displease me, Amin?"

"I provoked you on purpose, my huntress."

"And why did you do so, Amin?"

"I want you to discipline me. I want you to succeed in being one who controls by any means I have available to me. I would do it again and again, my huntress. I crave it. I crave being put in my place forcibly, being told what to do. But I also crave your approval in submitting to your direction."

"Forcibly. So the mesa is something you deeply enjoyed. Me forcing you to acknowledge my superiority. Do you enjoy the struggle of it Nil? Do you want to fight? Not to the death but to submission?"

She thrilled at the idea of fighting Nil to submission. Even to her own submission. She was hurt when he asked her to kill him, but if what he really desired was just a fight to submission… She would do that in a heartbeat. Fights against a great opponent, forcing her to think on her feet and get better. Over and over. Her insides twisted around wonderfully at the idea of him dominating her, but it being a fight the whole time. She knew a heat was eating up her good sense right now, she normally would never engage in this behavior, but she didn't care right now. She leaned forward and nipped his ear, drawing a delicious moan from him. "If you can make me submit I will be yours to command for a day Nil. You wouldn't be so bratty towards me if you didn't desire to possess me entirely at least a little bit. You may have some of your mother after all. So long as we are in a safe area, you can try to best me. But know I will be cruel in the best way if you lose. I will make you beg."

Sweat slicked his body and she could feel him trembling under her hold. All of these feelings she was unfamiliar with. There was a heat in her belly that was new, a desire burning her that she didn't understand. She wanted him to fight her, take her up on her offer. To force her to make him submit. His mostly blacked out silver eyes locked with her blown green ones and he returned her feral smile. "Whatever my Sun wishes."

She felt they had come to an unspoken agreement the second she shoved his head forward. They were going to fight. Something in her hoped he'd win. 

As she released his hands, one whipped back and hooked around her left knee. He used momentum to lunge forward which caused her to lose her balance backwards. Not to be out done, she threw her right leg up and around his neck as her hands went behind her to brace for potential impact. He stood up leaving her hanging behind him but choking at her weight against his neck. She slammed her elbows into the back of his knees causing him to fall back down while he tried to pry her leg from him. She roughly threw her weight to the left, hooking her right foot behind her left knee, trapping his left arm against his neck and initiating a choke. This movement brought him back to the ground on the bed roll and trapped him. She leaned forward while loosening the choke. "I'm disappointed Nil. I thought you might bring me to ground."

He was mewling in the loose trap set by her legs, eyes rolling in pleasure. "Please, my huntress..." He tugged at her leg with his right arm.

"Please what Nil? Use your words."

Another whine left him. He was fighting saying something. She gave a light squeeze with her thighs as a warning. He gasped and simply fisted his hand into the leathers on her leg. "Please use me, my Sun. Wholly. I've wanted you since after Shattered Kiln. I just didn't know what to do about it or if you would take me. Please…"

Two weeks of watching his morning salutations with increasing hunger for him caught up to her all at once with his begging. She released her legs, wrapped her hand around his neck with her thumb and middle finger pressing to the points behind his jaw and kissed him aggressively. She heard him whimper into her mouth and his hands tentatively raise to grab at her armor. She bit down on his lip, not hard enough to draw blood but enough to get him to gasp. She shifted and pressed him to the ground and she straddled his waist. Her free hand collected his hands by the wrist and she broke their kiss and let go of his neck long enough to pin them above his head. 

Her hand went back to his neck and she leaned forward, her nose almost touching his. She drank in his wanton expression, savored it. "And how do you want me to use you Nil? The same way everything in me is screaming to use you?"

She felt him buck up into her, making his arousal even more apparent. He squirmed underneath her, clearly gone to the desire that was ruling him. 

"Shadows yes. I want you to order me to worship every inch of you, my Sun. To have you take me after, in whatever manner you desire as long as I can be near you, with you."

That hungry thing inside her purred happily. "Then I order you to do so, my Shadow. How well you do so determines if your reward is pain or pleasure."

Then she let go of his neck and wrists.

--------

The relief at being set free was short-lived, as he immediately rolled her under him. She'd made him unhinged and he knew this was too much too soon. But she had stoked his base nature into a frenzy and he honestly didn't care. She made it known she knew what sex was and that she wasn't against it with him. 

He decided he would worship her body using only his hands and mouth. He knew he wanted more, but he wanted it to be her choice and that he wanted it further down the road, as this was a first time for both of them.

He kissed her languidly but no less passionately, making sure his eagerness was reined in. He started by simply running one of his hands down her neck, across the swell of her breasts and down her sides, reading her body for any tenseness, if she decided to withdraw her permission. She remained perfectly relaxed, returning his soft kisses.

With no resistance being offered, he broke off of her mouth to kiss across her cheek and down the side of her neck, occasionally creating soft suction, sometimes licking.

He lived for every sigh, every moan. As he had been given his marching orders without a lot of constraints, he started to slowly undo her armor. She helped by sitting up when he needed her to, passively letting him undress her. As he got the base layer of her armor off her torso, the leather tossed to the side, he kissed every inch he had slowly exposed, making it clear he was in no hurry. The kisses started at her navel and meandered up her ribs. When he reached the top of her breast bindings, he tugged one side down and laved his tongue over the exposed nipple. He heard her gasp in surprise and then felt her hand grab his hair, urging him to continue his ministrations.

"All Mother…"

He rumbled, pleased that she was guiding him. He tugged at the binding over her other breast, freeing it from its confines. He began running his thumb across her nipple, ecstatic as he felt her whimper and try to buck her hips up into his. He glanced up and found her gazing down at his ministrations in wonder.

Her cheeks and ears were a delicious red, her pupils blown so he could scarcely tell her eye color. Her lips were parted, and he saw how fast she was panting. He switched his mouth to the other side at her urging, his fingers taking up the burden his mouth left. 

She was arching her chest into his mouth and hand, her hips moving without conscious thought. Was she close? Just with this? The more…explicit texts spoke of general signs to look for, to know when a partner was close to release. The panting was the biggest sign for him. She was untouched and this could easily be the most physical pleasure she'd ever had.

He slowed his ministrations, wanting to draw out her pleasure, make it memorable. She groaned in frustration but made no move to stop him. 

He added in small pinches and nibbles to her peaks and around them to temper her. He felt her beginning tremble under his hands and body after another couple minutes.

"Nil… shadows what is this feeling… Nil please…"

He smirked into her skin and decided to end her misery with a strong pull of his mouth, a harder pinch, and sliding his thigh between hers and placing pressure on the juncture of her legs, giving a firm rub.

He almost came undone with her as she stiffened and keened, her fingers brutally tugging his hair as she held him close. He kept lightly sucking and rubbing as he watched her ride the long wave of her release.

The Sun could strike him down right at this moment and he could die happy. The sight of her pleasure was all he wanted. Knowing he gave it to her completed him.

When her quaking calmed and her fingers in his hair relaxed, he moved away from her breasts and continued kissing across her chest to work his way down one of her arms. 

"What… What was that?"

Her voice was husky and shaky and he loved it. He ran his tongue across her wrist and then gave it a light nip before he answered. "That was your release, my Sun. One of many I plan to give you unless you tell me to stop. I will worship every inch of you if you allow me to, drag you over the precipice of pleasure many times before I consider myself finished with my explorations."

Her breathing hitched and increased again. "Do you wish me to stop, my Sun?"

He watched her tongue swipe over her lips, a greedy, hungry look taking over. "No. Keep going."

He leaned over and kissed her deeply, then moved over kissing down the other side of her neck and down her arm, repeating his treatment.

Finished getting to know her arm, he used it to gently roll her onto her stomach before laying on top of her. He kissed along the side of her neck, reveling in her gasps. He gave a sharp nip at the junction between her neck and shoulder, getting her to cry out quietly. Moving on, he trailed down her spine, his hands palming the curve of her waist, pinning her lightly as she squirmed. He placed a last kiss in the dip of her lower back, right above her leggings.

He then began to strip them off, again waiting to see if she tensed in apprehension. No protests being voiced or signaled, he slowly began peeling them down, kissing each buttock as they were exposed. Boots were economically removed from her person and her leggings soon followed, leaving her completely bare except for her chest bindings, every inch of her back from her neck to her toes touched and kissed, nipped, or licked.

He was going to collapse if he turned her over. His own desire was roaring in his ears, urging him on.

Steeling himself, he slid fingers to the side of her hip and rolled her onto her back. He drank in her bare form and whimpered. 

She was exquisite. Her body muscled and lean, scars dotting her pale skin as testament to her strength and tenacity, her flush of pleasure across her face and chest. 

He stopped himself from returning to her lips, which were parted temptingly, still abused from his last kiss to them. His nails scraped lightly against her hip bones as he moved down to the tops of her feet, purposely bypassing the part of her that they were both acutely aware of. She groaned in disappointment until he kissed the inside of her ankle.

He'd been having heated dreams for a whole week of doing just this thing after reading about it. All that torture with her right within his reach. All the things he wanted to do to her. All the things he prayed fervently she would want to do with him.

She was gasping when he had finally worked his way up to her upper thighs. Her scent was driving him insane. It was a scent he'd never known he'd want to breathe in. All Aloy. He slid a trembling hand up the inside of her thigh and gently nudged for her to open to him. 

He noticed that she did do some grooming, but only that it was shorter than many of the illustrations he had seen. Some featured no hair or shapes made. He swallowed his groan. 

She had brought herself up to her elbows to watch him, confused but intrigued. He rumbled as he brought a finger up to gently stroke through her folds. As her eyes rolled in her head when his finger hit the bump he was looking for, he leaned forward and immediately placed his mouth over it, gave a firm lick over it, then sealed his lips and created strong suction.

She immediately cried his name and tensed as release hit her again. He released his suck and went back to running his tongue over the sensitive spot, using his hands that he had slid under her legs to grip her hips and stop them from bucking wildly as he chased her release shocks.

As her taste finally registered to him, he had to stop himself from over stimulating her until the release was gone. He ground his own hips into the bedding beneath him roughly, trying to get some pain to focus himself.

He kissed the inside of her thighs as her trembling died down. She finally sighed in contentment and went to move away but he locked his grip down, preventing her from moving. "One more my Sun. Please. Let me give you one more. You taste too good. Let me service you."

He let every bit of the hunger he was feeling show on his face, his desperation.

"Is it safe to have so many releases?"

"Yes my Sun. Especially for those with your anatomy with the right coaxing. I could wring ten from you given practice and time. I am much more limited in how many I can have. Just… Please…" he begged.

She nodded her assent and leaned back again. He didn't wait a second before he nosed in, giving long thorough licks, savoring every bit of her wetness. She immediately began rocking her hips, causing him to reciprocate into the ground. 

Now. Now he could die. The last time was a lie. There was so much that his family's texts failed to describe adequately. The smell of her, her taste, the sounds she made, how all of those sensations rocked over his soul and threatened to consume him. 

The time before this moment, he had been a starving and thirsty man and hadn't known it. He consumed her like she was his sole source of nourishment. He laved at her until he felt her beginning to tremble again and he felt her hand on the back of his head, pressing him further in. Impatient and wanting to use his hands more, he rolled onto his back, bringing her up onto her knees, her most private place over his face. 

They watched each other, eyes locked as he took a hand to her bundle of nerves, reached up with his other to tweak a nipple, and then put his tongue inside her. He watched as she tried to maintain eye contact as she went over the edge, now screaming his name, rocking herself into his face.

He felt her trying to squeeze his tongue and he fought with everything he had to not follow her. He had not been told to join her, only to worship her and his fate after was to be determined by her.

He let go of her when she calmed down and he lay passively looking up at her, her essence all over his face, panting and still painfully aroused, though he also felt sated.

And he waited to see what she had in store for him.

------

All Mother save her. She could barely string two words together after what Nil had done to her.

She hadn't known that physical pleasure was a thing until his mouth had first latched onto her chest. And he said he was still learning. What would he be like when he was experienced?

She didn't know that using a mouth was viable. Her father had made it seem that there was no pleasure to it and it only consisted of penetration by a male member. Pleasure had never featured in the awkward conversation. 

She looked down at him between her legs, his mouth glistening from his ministrations to her nethers. He looked pleased with himself, but there was still desire in his eyes. 

He hadn't reached completion though she was very sure he had fought it off twice.

Ever the curious person, she moved from over top of him and then kissed him, tasting herself on his lips. They both moaned in unison. He definitely deserved pleasure. 

But she had no idea what to do. She supposed that was the point. She was free to do what she wished to him, and it was within her wherewithal to take the time like he did, to explore him inch by inch and see what he liked.

She drew away from the kiss. "You will not move unless given permission. You can make noise. Tell me if you don't like something I am doing. Disregarding my wishes earns you a bruising bite. Do you understand Amin?"

She brushed a hand across his cheek gently, watching his breathing pick up. "Yes my Sun. I will not move unless given permission. I may make noise and inform you if I do not like something. My punishment for disobeying will be one bruising bite per infraction."

She reached for his arms that lay relaxed next to his sides. She noticed the prominent bulge at the front of his pants. She'd only ever had men's parts described briefly to her. A shaft of flesh that grew with desire and a two globes that hung underneath. It had mainly been described to her as a weak point to hit if she fought a man for any reason.

She'd get back there soon. She took his arms and placed them above his head, palms facing the sky. She moved to place herself next to his shoulders on his right side. She picked that hand up and began inspecting his fingers, his knuckles, the calluses from knife and bow work.

She massaged his palm then kissed it and gave it a parting nip as she moved onto the wrist and arm. She massaged, kissed and nipped her way to his chest, admiring every muscle and scar. As she passed over the fresh scar from the arrow in his shoulder, she gave a harsh suck to it, drawing a moan from Nil. But he didn't say he disliked it. 

"Did that hurt?"

"Yes my Sun. But I liked it."

She hummed as she moved to the other one on his left shoulder and gave it the same treatment, now drawing a hiss of approval. She saw his back arch up. She moved to the meat of his shoulder and bit solidly down. "You moved, naughty man."

He began panting audibly, but wisely stayed silent. She straddled his torso and showered her attention down his left arm, starting at the hand and working back towards the shoulder. 

Her pleasure at seeing her red bite sent a shiver through her. And glancing at his face brought another shiver. He watched her with eyes that were glazed but still showed he was paying attention to her. Whatever that look was… She loved it on him. 

She kissed down to the center of his chest then moved over to one of his nipples. If she liked it so much maybe he did? She gave a light lick and felt him shiver under her. He voiced no complaints so she gave a full mouth kiss over it, flicking and twisting the other one. She could feel him practically vibrating with the need to move but remained still as moans leaked out of him. She switched to give the other attention with her mouth. When she left to continue her trail down to his stomach, she noticed sweat had broken out on him, giving him a delicious salty note. The smell that she assumed was distinctly Nil filled her nose and it was amazing, causing that clenching in her lower abdomen again.

Sun, how could she desire yet another release?

She licked down to one hip right where his pants were secured. She’d never taken time to admire the male form before the Battle of Meridian, but something about the hollow of his hip bone sang to her. She gave it extra attention until he bucked his hips up in desperation. She grinned eagerly as she bit down just above the hip bone and she got to hear Nil cry out with desire. His muscles along his stomach were strained with his attempts to not move, drops of sweat collecting in the shallow grooves made by them.

“Moved again.” She licked over her teeth marks in admiration before she moved over to the other hip bone. “I’ve never really paid attention to men before, but these dips… They are beautiful, Amin.”

His only response was a low, drawn out whine.

Once finished, she wasn’t ready to explore beneath his last article of clothing. So she did what he did to her, and maneuvered him onto his stomach. “Adjust what you need to adjust.”

“Yes, my Sun.” He moved a hand to adjust his member so he wasn’t laying on its hard length, then returned it to over his head.

His back was a masterpiece of lean muscle with the healthy layer of fat of a well fed person. Vanasha had more defined muscles than Nil did, but she liked the softness it leant him. She ran her hands over his back, massaging and kissing until she reached the dip of his lower back. He had small dips on either side of his spine right over his rear, that were barely covered by his pants. She pressed her thumbs into them. All the ridges and valleys of his body drew something appreciative from her. This was something that would have been a horrific distraction had she known about it before finishing up with HADES and Helis. She was honestly glad that it had taken her until now to know about pleasures of the flesh.

Nil was quaking under her ministrations as she put some weight into her thumbs. “Please…please Aloy… That feels amazing, but almost too amazing. You will force my release if you keep up.” His hands were clenched. She relented on her pressure. He had said that releases were limited for males.

Which now left her with divesting him of the rest of his clothing finally. She hooked fingers into their waistline and slowly pulled them down, allowing Nil to post up on his elbows and toes to allow her to get them completely off. She tossed them to the side. She admired his paler but no less muscled rear and legs as they were exposed. His wide shoulders as they tapered down to a delicious narrow waist and hips, decorated with pale scars. She saw one that looked fairly recent along his ribs that wrapped around his side. She ran a finger over it.

“When did this happen?”

“Just a short while before you were thrown into the Sun Ring. I will admit to dwelling on memories of you while fighting some bandits on the road. One of them caught me with a dagger while I was distracted. I couldn’t get medicine to it nor stitch it up myself so I traveled to Blazon Arch. I saw you there threatening the man I needed to patch me up, Ghaliv. I followed up threatening him on your behalf along with getting him to stitch me up. I ran a fever for a week along with the fever that had already gripped me traveling there. I thought I had hallucinated seeing you up until you started snarling at him. You were magnificent in your fury, my Sun. You always are.”

She blushed though he couldn’t see it. Not finding the need to respond, she continued to explore his body. Nil didn’t possess an abundance of body hair, much like she had seen of most Carja men. Rost had been a hairy man as was Erend. But Avad and Marad were almost hairless on their arms and chests.

Finished massaging the last foot. She felt trepidation at turning him over. To see a male nude in their entirety was new. She didn’t really know what to expect. Even when she had shared the building with the other Proving initiates, she had studiously averted her eyes from everyone when they washed from a communal basin and dressed.

Swallowing to try to soothe her suddenly dry mouth, she repeated his motions while straddling his upper thighs, and slid her fingers to the front of his hip and nudged him to roll over. She almost felt her vision white out as she caught sight of the entire front of him sans clothes and armor, his smooth member proudly standing in front of her hips. Nil unabashedly was watching her, that trancelike look still there, like he was disconnected and yet not.

Much like her, he had a smattering of curly hair, his black where hers was red. The member was smooth with some veins standing out. It bobbed with what she assumed was Nil’s heart beat. The globes were wrinkled and slightly taut under it. There was loose skin over the tip that looked moist.

She hesitantly reached out and grasped his length, running her hand up and down it, marveling at how soft and hard at the same time it was. She watched his face as his eyes rolled up in his head and he let out a moan. The skin moved slightly along the length as she moved her hand along it, exposing the wet tip of it, and she felt it throb in her grasp. Her other hand moved to play with the globes, feeling how they were each a sack with something hard and egg shaped in each. She gave them a light squeeze. Nil yelped. “Easy my Sun. Those are very sensitive to pressure, and not in a good way unless you know what pressure is okay.”

She lightened her squeeze. She remembered his mouth on her and then leaned over. She gave a tentative lick to the underside. Nil’s hips twitched but he stopped himself from a full undulation. She already knew he was going to have a hard time keeping still but she was going to enjoy his struggle and not punish him if he failed.

Without any warning, she placed as much of him in her mouth as she was comfortable with. The whimper that came out of him caused wetness to release from her. His taste was… unique. She had nothing to compare it to, but it wasn't abhorrent. Very different from her own flavor. All unknowns mostly taken care of, she began to move her head up and down, one hand following her mouth, the other playing with his testes. On one fondle, her knuckle brushed heavily on the skin behind them and Nil's whole body stiffened. He was biting his lip, his nails digging into the flesh of his palms. His whine rattled her bones.

"Shadows. Please Aloy. I have been close to release this whole time. You do that again, I won't be able to stop myself. Please let me release. Please…"

His begging and needy moans made her give in. She popped him out of her mouth long enough to give her permission. Then she enveloped him again with her lips, bobbed her head up and down, and stroked that area behind his globes firmly and watched him come undone. 

He cried her name loudly, his body arched up, eyes closed, a look of rapture on his face. Hot, thick liquid entered her mouth, that unique flavor coating her tongue. Not knowing what to do with it, she just swallowed it down. Nil's keening grew louder until she let go.

The crazed and unabashed wonder on his face was shocking to her. She wiped some spit that had gathered around her mouth and smiled bashfully. 

He sat up without her instruction and pulled her up to straddle his waist and his flagging erection, then kissed her fervently, his tongue sweeping in aggressively as if he wanted to taste himself on her.

She returned his energy for a few moments then grabbed his hair and yanked his head away from hers, tilted it to the side, and gave a vicious bite to the junction of his neck and shoulder. "I'm sorry my Sun. I moved without your instruction. But… You didn't need to swallow my seed and when you did…it was arousing."

"Was it worth it? Tasting yourself on my tongue?" His erection was returning, she could feel it between her legs.

“Yes. A thousand times yes.” She nibbled along the side of his neck, pleased with his answer. His member tapped insistently at her junction and she sat and ground her hips against it. His fingers dug into her hips hard in response, preventing her from going any farther.

“Not yet with that. There are so many other things to explore and discuss before we get to coupling. I speak as the teacher and not one who cedes here. We’ve already progressed way past where I expected to be today. I didn’t expect anything like this for at least a week, possibly even longer.”

She growled into his skin, feeling frustrated but didn’t question it.

“I know. But there are some things I want to go slowly. Other things I want to teach you first and things I want your help with for me. I have…shadows I must overcome from my past. And you can be the only one to help because if I black out, you can knock me out.”

She pulled back and looked at him in surprise. “Why would you black out?”

He grimaced. A hand went up and gently disentangled her fingers from his hair and then he lifted her off of his lap. He returned to his waiting position. “At the beginning of being under Helis’s control, when he was trying to trigger the black out…he allowed many things to happen to me. He’d beat me, torture me. But the worst was when he allowed…deviants into my cell. He never did anything himself but he let them do things to me. The first time it happened, it caused the black out he was looking for. I wounded the man that touched me, but Helis had a trigger now. And an outlet for undersexed soldiers. I would be chained down with little to no movement. And afterwards I would be unleashed to wreak havoc on whatever that man desired to die. Eventually all he needed to do was threaten it, and I would lose it.”

Rage swept through her. His face was so haunted recounting this and she really didn’t want to hear about it. She reached out and pulled him into a crushing hug. “You don’t need to tell me this if you don’t want to. How I ever let that man have mercy as I killed him. Monster.”

Nil brought his arms and wrapped them around her, returning the hug. “I must discuss it. I have to get over it. I can’t keep this thing unhealed in me that causes me to become an unhinged menace. But you don’t need to help if you don’t desire. There are others who control that can help but…I’d rather not go to them.”

“Marad and Vanasha?”

He nodded into her shoulder. “I now remember Marad from when I was little. He had already visited our Khane before I was born but I suspect Jiran sent him again to help him become a better spy. It was supposed to be as one who cedes, but my mother refused to teach someone against their nature. So she taught him more on how to be one who controls while giving him all the reading for one who cedes to please Jiran. Please help me. I’d rather it be you. But it will be ugly. I may try to kill you. I will say terrible things to hurt you. I can teach you how to restrain me so I will be harmless, then you can…do what I need you to do while trying to coax me to stay myself and not the monster Helis made me to be.”

“I will try then. But I will let you know if I dislike it enough to want to stop. I don't expect that will be a problem though."

She felt him shake his head. "You only met Jiran's Shadow the one time, for only a minute or two. You don't understand, but you will. The memories when they come back...I much preferred to just pretend being that person than actually allowing that person to be free. He trusts no one, hates everyone. Rage is the core of who he is."

His hands let go of his embrace and he nudged her back, cupping her face to look her in the eyes. "If you are sure about this, we need someplace safe to do it. Isolated but with resources nearby. There's no water here and I don't want to potentially ruin this place for you. We could go to my family's estate, but I won't kick my Uncle out for my benefit nor comfort. On top of the fact that I don't think that the Sun-King will leave you alone for long once he knows you're back."

She scowled. "I told Marad that both you and I owe the Sundom nothing. His Luminance can go fight a watcher if he thinks to command either of us to do anything. But you're right. And...I know a place we can go, with a couple of people I trust who will run interference for us. My status amongst the Nora should keep them at bay for a good while."

He smiled tiredly at her. "Very well my Sun. Let's rest, then I can begin teaching you knots and how to tie me up effectively."

She placed a hand on the back of his neck and pulled him forward and down so she could place a kiss on his forehead, then gently guided him to laying down. Laying on her back, she placed his head on her shoulder, his arm across her chest, a leg across her thighs, and hugged her arm around him. Her free hand brushed fingers soothingly across his forearm. A sigh left her as she reveled in the feeling of his weight pressing down on her, making her feel secure. The breath puffing evenly against her neck eventually slowed as sleep took him. She followed shortly after.

—---------

Would you bleed for me?

Lick it off my lips like you needed me?

Would you sit me on a couch

With your fingers in my mouth?

You look so cool when you're reading me.

Let's cause a little trouble.

Oh, you make me feel so weak.

I bet you kiss your knuckles

Right before they touch my cheek.

But I've got my mind

Made up this time

'Cause there's a menace in my bed.

Can you see his silhouette?

Can you see his silhouette?

Can you see his silhouette?

~Trouble by Halsey

Chapter Text

The old man had the audacity to tell him to disarm himself. Like he wasn't going to try to kill him the second the weapon was put away. They always came to hurt him. Always. And so he always chose himself.

He laughed and suggested that the old man take a long permanent nap, then lunged. Only to be harrassed by the Asp, Marad's little pet, who had come to visit him when he emerged in prison when the damned Warden lost control and couldn't get it back. She was vicious and he hated her. Her distaste for him was palpable every time they ran into one another. After the two years of hell, the feeling was mutual.

As he went to strike her, at the last second, he heard quick, but soft steps behind him. He turned to see her flying out of flames and smoke like an avenging nightmare. The face that kept popping up every time he thought about striking the people around him instead of machines. The face that his other half kept throwing up to keep him in check. He hated her too, for being so effective in reining him in from destroying all those who had let him suffer, who had turned away as his family was slaughtered, his mother and Khane publicly humiliated and demeaned in the worst way. The old man represented those soldiers who had soiled him at Helis's behest. Took what wasn't theirs to take.

He grabbed her spear as it came down on him, his abused body screaming as he threw her to the side.

As he taunted her, he watched her face go pale even amongst the shadows and red light of the flames around them. And deep inside him, his other awareness panged with sadness as she wiped her look of horror for one of grudging duty. She stood and lunged at him again, kicking like a long legs to his already bruised side, then slamming another kick into his face, reclaiming her spear from him. He watched the Asp release her two arrows, and the look of terror on the Nora's face as they slammed into him made his grasp of control slip. Enough that his other half tore him back to the corners of their mind once again. Did she care about him? Even in this state? As the black began swallowing him, as they traded places, something foreign entered his feelings as she yelled at the Asp for wounding him. He hated it. He hated her. He needed to get her out of the way.

He jolted awake, biting down on the rage that wasn't his, not really. Taking deep breaths, he calmed his racing heart rate down. He felt Aloy under him, gloriously naked still, and hugged her tighter to him. 

She finally stirred and looked up at him with sleepy and concerned eyes as she looked at his face, which he was sure was creased with mild panic. And she did what any proper one who controls would do and began soothing him. She brought a hand up to his face, cupping his jaw, her thumb rubbing softly over his cheek that was due for a shave.

"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a spirit."

"In a way I did. I finally remembered part of what I did the day of the battle of Meridian. I can feel every emotion that he felt like it was my own. Because in a way they are. I hated you. I hated that your face was used to prevent me from killing everyone around me. I hated that you cared when the arrows took me down." He fought down the bile that rose in his throat. "I wanted to rip you to shreds for making me soft. And it's jarring to wake up with those feelings in me, yet know that I really don't want to do it. Part of Janeva's job in rehabilitating me was getting me to recognize which part of me was the real me. The inability to discern that at first caused several blackouts. A few of which the Warden lost control of. Vanasha was called in to subdue me in a humane manner."

She frowned, concern painted across her face. "Did her methods work?"

"Yes. But they were done clinically, the bare minimum with her displeasure apparent, which didn't win him - nor I - over. I will teach you what she did and, along with a couple of other methods, maybe I can be whole again. No longer a danger. Before I can ever even consider taking over my Khane, I must heal fully."

She nodded her understanding. "Then go get dressed Nil. It's a long way to the Embrace. Will you need to stop by your estate as we pass through by Meridian?”

He stood up off of her and went to collect his pants, which she had admittedly tossed a fair distance away.

“Yes. I have some things I will need to pick up. Ligan will likely have finished with some brews I asked him to prep, just in case. My family also made money on - and don’t laugh please - fancy scented Carja oils. Along with some specialty potions that took my Khane many, many years to formulate to their current effectiveness.”

He saw her fighting to not laugh, failing to keep a neutral expression on her face as she tugged on her base leathers. “Fancy scented Carja oils, huh? Is that why you blushed? Because you actually have some with you? I’ve not seen you pull them out.”

He felt his face heat up like the Sundom desert. “That’s because how they smell is not the point of them. It’s how they feel . And I haven’t had reason to pull them out. Though with our recent…advancement in our relationship to one another, I may now have reason to pull them out and to get more stock from Ligan.”

He pulled on his clothing and armor, strapping it securely into place. He noticed her posture relax as she put all her armor on, and give a sigh of relief.

“You like having armor on a lot? You rarely take it off even when we are safe.”

She looked contemplative. “I can’t really explain it. I just really enjoy the weight on my body. It’s not about feeling exposed, though it comes with not having any weight on. Like the Carja armor I wore for a while didn’t bother me with my exposed middle. It’s just the weight on my skin. It’s comforting, reassuring.”

He felt surprise ripple through him. Excitement. She would really appreciate his Khane’s craft if what she said was true. She glanced at him as she put the last of her armor on. “Why do you look so happy about that?”

“I have a gift for you when we get someplace safe. I think…you will enjoy it very much.”

A suspicious but still curious look appeared on her face. "Okay. But if you attack me and lose, you'll tell me what it is."

He chuckled. "I would tell you what it is before I did it, even if I won. Remember, my Sun, consent means everything. I can't expect your consent if you don't know what it is."

She nodded, still suspicious. He began taking down their shelter and she helped roll up the oiled clothes to pack away. 

Once their camp was broken down and put on their machine mounts, Aloy grabbed him and pulled him towards where Elisabet lie. He admired the purposeful triangle of purple foliage around her body. "Someone did this. Planted these here in reverence, kept her ranch green in the midst of a desert."

Aloy nodded her agreement. "I suspect one of GAIA's subfunctions. The one that rules over plants. DEMETER, I think. I used to collect metal flowers for a trader in Meridian, and wherever I found them, these purple flowers in a triangle surrounded it. And each one I found contained poems."

"Ah! So that's what those were from! My father would have loved them."

"Despite HADES and HEPHAESTUS being angry, I truly think most of the subfunctions must be kind. They were a part of GAIA, who Elisabet made sure was kind. I believe they all carry a piece of her with them despite being separated."

They sat quietly, a moment of silence in honor of Elisabet Sobeck and all that she sacrificed to make sure there was a future.

"Do not stand at my grave and weep. 

I am not there. I do not sleep. 

I am a thousand winds that blow. 

I am the diamond glints on snow. 

I am the sunlight on ripened grain. 

I am the gentle autumn rain. 

When you awaken in the morning’s hush 

I am the swift uplifting rush 

Of quiet birds in circled flight. 

I am the soft stars that shine at night. 

Do not stand at my grave and cry; 

I am not there. I did not die."*

He saw Aloy turn to him with tears in her eyes. "That is beautiful. Is that Carja?"

He shook his head. "My father had many old books of poetry. That was in one of them. It is very old. The book the poem came from belonged to his family and was passed down from very long ago. Notes were put in that they are possibly from the Old Ones."

She nodded. "Thank you. It is fitting, given all we have now because of her."

She nudged him towards their machines of burden. "Time to go. I will inform you when I feel it is safe to resume our appointed roles outside of partnership."

He nodded his assent. "You will inform me when it is safe to resume our roles. Thank you my Sun."

Chapter Text

They hopped on their broadheads and began their trek back. The first few days left them out in the open, so they behaved as they had before, taking turns with watch in the evening and leaving their armor on. Though he had been teaching Aloy about several different knots and weaves a little after dinner.

On the fifth day, they stopped in a cave near a forest and a large lake. There were some Old Ones ruins around along with some behemoths. Aloy sent him out to tame them on his own and lead them back to the cave for protection while she set up camp.

Once he had the machines stationed to his liking, he paused outside of the cave. This was what he would consider a safe area. And she said he was allowed to make that call in terms of their dominance fights, despite that she had ordered him to wait for her confirmation. It was very likely she was waiting to ambush him when he entered.

But he had snuck a bundle of rope out with him. And he felt tonight was a good time to show her the beauty of rope. He planned on winning their tussle. 

Pulling the rope out, he quickly fashioned an adjustable knot with two loops that could tighten down to form cuffs. He placed the cuffs on the end of the rope and left the rest bundled together in case he needed to further tie down the Nora huntress. He checked a pocket he had sewn into his vest and made sure the small dagger was there. This knot could tighten too much if she struggled a lot and while he wouldn't immediately release her, he'd keep an eye on her skin color in case he needed to release her hands.

He took a deep breath to steady his heart which had begun galloping in excitement. Weapons hadn't really been forbidden and he would assume she would come at him with her spear butt. She liked keeping enemies at a distance and he was willing to bet that when push came to shove, he was physically stronger than her, so she would do everything to keep him from grabbing her.

He couldn't see her from where he was standing in front of the cave. Taking a page from Aloy's book, he tapped the Focus on. And smirked as he saw her off to the right of the cave entrance, crouched and ready to attack.

He tapped the Focus back off, took a couple of silent steps back, then sprinted into the cave, immediately throwing himself into a forward roll. He heard the whiff of her staff in the air where the backs of his knees would have been. Her grunt of surprise and annoyance spurred him into standing up and lunging at her.

She brought her spear up to block across her body. Instead of grabbing the spear like she seemed to think he was going to do, to wrestle it away from her, he just barreled straight into her, knocking her backwards. She hissed as she toppled over, but she frustratingly kept both hands on the spear, using it to hold him up and tip his weight over her head. Her legs came up to help use the momentum to throw him the rest of the way over her.

Grunting, he struck the ground but kept rolling to get distance between them. He shifted all the rope into one hand as he stood. She was already standing and they began to circle one another.

She would expect him to start the next lunge. So he kept circling, waiting for her patience to expire. After a handful of seconds, she growled and her spear end lashed out at the arm holding the rope. He spun into her, placing his back against her front, grabbing the spear with his free hand and yanking it across the front of his body. With a hard twist, it popped out of her grip and he threw it across the cave.

Arms immediately attempted to wrap under his armpits, to behind his neck to get him in a lock. He dropped all his weight straight down and grabbed her wrist with his free hand as she lost her lock. He threw his weight back and to the right, pulling her to the front of him by ducking under her arm. He pulled it up to the middle of her back and quickly put one loop around her wrist as she grunted angrily. Once he had that secure, he dropped the loose end of the rope to the ground and used his other hand to pull her other hand back.

She didn't make it easy as her fingers laced into her own armor and stubbornly refused to let go. Deciding to play dirty, he leaned forward and nipped her ear firmly, then to what was exposed of her neck. Her grip weakened for a fraction of a second and that was all he needed. He firmly tugged her left arm back and secured it in the other loop. Using his knees, he gently tapped hers so that they bent, and he guided her to kneel, then lay on the dirt floor.

He laid lightly on top of her, making sure her arms were semi-comfortable. Then he leaned forward and again nipped her ear. "I won't make you say you yield, but I won this round my Sun."

"I didn't know you would play that dirty Nil. But now that I know you will, be prepared for payback. I am displeased with you." She struggled against the cuffs but seemed to realize they were tightening and stopped.

"And I look forward to my discipline and what you come up with." He ground his hips into her backside pointedly. She moaned and pushed back. "But as per our agreement, you are mine until we leave tomorrow morning. And I will tie you up beautifully so you can know exactly what I expect you to do to me when we get to Nora lands. I will also put you in a harness and I expect you will love it. So…please agree to be pliant. You can say whatever you wish. Let me know if something is too tight, too loose, if you lose feeling in any limbs, if you feel panicked. Let me know everything, just let me put ropes on this amazing body with no clothing on it."

His voice was hoarse by the end of his pleading, because he wanted to do this for her so badly. It was partly for himself, but he honestly felt she would benefit the most from it. He stared at the vein in her neck which was showing how fast her heart was beating. He saw her head nod hesitantly. He gave a shuddering sigh of relief then leaned down and gave her pulse a languid, licking kiss until he felt her body relax.

He sat back on his knees and pulled her up onto hers. He loosened the cuffs and slipped them off. After waiting a few seconds to see if she was going to retaliate, he then undid the cuff knot on the rope completely. She sat quiet and docile the whole time. He smiled and set about respectfully removing her armor. He sat each piece to the side reverently, folding the leathers neatly. 

Eventually he removed the last bit of cloth on her body, her breast bindings. He observed her flushed body, which had tensed up again. "Is the air of the cave too cold? You will not have clothing on during this process, so no need to play at being strong. Also, please relax. What I will be doing can be used sexually and can elicit desire, but that is not my purpose right now."

Her breath stuttered then evened out. She looked about the cave then answered. "A small fire would not be amiss."

He hummed his acknowledgement and pulled a blanket out from his bed roll. He wrapped her in it then set about making a small fire. He pulled some rations and water out, handing it to her. "Please eat and drink only until you are just not hungry, then go relieve yourself and come back. You will not have many opportunities for breaks until we finish."

She nodded again and quietly ate and drank. He went through his packs and pulled out one bundle of rough hempen rope that was a bit thinner than what she normally carried and laid it out along with a selection of colored soft ropes in forest green, red, and gold. He also pulled out a small bottle with clear oil. He then fully laid out his bed roll.

He saw her eye everything with interest before she stood and left the cave.

He sat and went over everything he wanted to do, even going as far as to open some texts on the Focus and review and plan. He first wanted her to experience simply being in harnesses. Once he determined if she liked them or not, then he would go into binding, not only to see if she liked those, but so she could learn to bind him through being bound. He was dangerous when he blacked out, so for her safety and so he couldn't escape what needed to happen, he needed her to know how the ropes were to sit. How tight they needed to be. And he would have to weather her punishments when he inevitably escaped to begin with. A lesson on both fronts for her. As a teacher, he would escape. As his one who controls, she would have to enforce that what he was doing was against her wishes.

When she came back, the small fire was gently warming the cave without causing too much smoke. She sat near it on his bedding and removed the blanket. He admired his canvas, imagining how everything was going to sit.

"I will start with the soft rope for the harness. I am going to select the red and gold to show how you are submitting to me at this time. If you enjoy this, I can harness you with colors you desire, as some you can wear under your armor. To make working easier, I will put your hair up in a knot so it won't get caught. Is that alright?"

She nodded. He quirked an eyebrow at her. "Use your words, my Sun."

A small glint of irritation entered her eyes. "It is alright, Nil."

He leaned toward her and grasped her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes. "Call me your Shadow when I have earned dominance. I enjoyed it when you called me that the first time."

She swallowed nervously. "Yes, my Shadow."

He shivered in pleasure as her words washed over him. "Good." He placed a light, chaste kiss on her lips. After he had placed her hair up in a loose knot, he kneeled next to the bedroll. "Now lay down. You are still much too tense. I want you to fully relax. I will do nothing to you to intentionally spark your desire. This first bit is purely for your enjoyment. Those who enjoy the harness and binding often just find comfort in it. Those who do the binding, often find it like making art."

As she moved to lie on her stomach, he picked up the bottle of clear liquid and uncorked it. "Carja call this sweet oil. It comes from nuts in the Jewel. It is good for skin unless you have reactions to those nuts. Reactions happen fairly quickly so I'm going to test it out on your shoulder." He put his finger over the opening and tipped it to get a small amount. He applied it in the center of one of her shoulder blades.

They sat quietly as he observed. After a few minutes, her skin showed no adverse reaction. "Does that spot feel itchy at all? It hasn't turned red at all, but I'm asking to be safe."

"It does not feel like anything at all, my Shadow."

He nodded to himself. He tipped a sizable amount of the oil into one palm, then lightly recorked the bottle and sat it to the side. Rubbing his hands together, he warmed the oil up, then placed his hands on her back.

He started with her upper shoulders, massaging her muscles with firm fingers. Working his way down her back, he felt her truly relax. Her breathing and pulse fully evened out. He made sure to stay away from any erogenous zones to keep her calm. Her arms were next and the backs of her legs.

She seemed a few minutes from sleep when he deemed her ready. He gently pulled her to stand and grabbed both the red and gold rope. Standing in front of her, he joined them in the middle of their lengths with a double sun knot then placed that knot at the back of her neck, dragging the rest of the ropes down her front. He tied a basic knot at her throat then used his hand to measure a distance and tie another, taking care that each side kept the same colors, alternating sides after each knot. She watched him work through lidded eyes.

As he tied the fourth and last knot in the line down her front. He took a foot and gently nudged one of hers to make her stand with her legs shoulder length apart. He knelt after he walked behind her and drew the rope between her legs, making sure to impersonally situate it between her lower lips and between her cheeks. Tying a knot right above them, he did a four strand braid long enough to reach the rope on the back of her neck, tying it off with another double sun knot. The ends of the rope were run under and over the top of the neck rope where he tugged it snug, drawing a gasp from her. "Is that too tight? Because it is only going to get tighter from here."

"No my Shadow."

He hummed in acknowledgement. He moved her arms away from her sides and stood back in front of her. He drew each of the two strands on either side, again ensuring the two strands matched in color on each side. He split the rope between the top two knots in front and laced one side underneath, up and behind itself. The motion was repeated on the other side. He wound them behind her, crossing over each other and brought them back to the front. He repeated this with every gap between knots on the front. “This…is where I think you will end up really liking this.” He began very carefully drawing the ropes tighter around her, making the gaps between the knots of front open to diamonds, pulling the rope between her legs and the rope along the sides of her neck tighter, creating pressure around her ribs and waist. He placed fingers between the rope and her skin around her waist, making sure it wasn’t cinched down too hard. Satisfied, he ran the ends back between her legs, this time framing her lips and pulling out to cup her cheeks. The ends were brought back to the front where he secured them to the bottom diamond.

Stepping back, he admired his handiwork. Red and gold embraced her body closely, the rope snug enough to indent her skin but not seeming to cut off any blood flow or cause her discomfort. “Is it to your liking? Go ahead and move around if you desire. The rope will rub, tighten and relax as you move around.”

She did as he suggested, moving around tentatively. Little gasps followed her as the rope rubbed gently between her legs. “There’s a variation I can do with only one rope, with a very…well placed knot. This is not a harness that can be worn under your armor, not with this particular lacing anyways. I can vary how the ropes run between your legs but they would have to be taken off regularly to be cleaned should you choose to keep it on for long periods.”

She returned to standing on the bedroll and gave a shiver that he could tell wasn’t from being cold. “This is…unexpectedly nice.”

“Then I shall move on to a couple of the binds I will want you to use on me. Please sit on the bedroll on your knees, making sure to perch up on your toes and not sit on the tops of your feet. Much like my waiting position."

She knelt, knees shoulder width apart, sitting in her heels, and posted up onto her toes, her hands in the same position his had been in. The plain, rough rope was the next he'd use. Picking it up, he turned to look at Aloy seriously.

"I don't know if you will like binding. I am going to be taking away your ability to defend yourself. I ask that you let me complete at least this first bind, so you understand the vulnerability I am going to ask you to put me in. The trust I am placing in you. How easy it is to tie too tight or too loose. Limbs can be lost. Feeling gone from them permanently. Or I can be mid-blackout, escape when you aren't paying full attention, and cause you serious harm, maybe even kill you. The harness is dangerous too, but it doesn't take away your ability to defend yourself. Do you trust me to take care of you completely while bound? To not leave you alone for a second?"

Her expression hadn't changed at all. Completely calm. "You have done nothing to make me distrust you. Are you likely to black out while I am bound?"

He shook his head. "Barring being attacked and suffering extreme stress at the same time, it is unlikely."

She returned to looking calmly ahead. "Then I trust you, my Shadow. To keep me safe and calm. To not harm me and not leave me alone and helpless."

Warmth suffused him at her admission. At her calmness and how well she was doing at even being one who cedes just to let him practice his Khane's trade. And maybe she had some of one who cedes, as much as he had some of one who controls. There were those who were dextrous in their roles, who liked both.

"I will begin then." The rope was pinched at its middle and he threaded the loop under her shin and over the top of her thigh. "This is the Penitent bind. It will tie your thighs to your lower legs, making you unable to unbend your knees, keeping your legs in this position." The rope ends were fed into the loop and he tugged the rope snug in a cinch. The ends were then fed back under her shin, to over her thighs. The rope was then fed through the bottom loop he had just created. Two fingers ran along the bind, checking tightness.

"Good? It needs to be snug, but not painful. This is where I can adjust it last before tying it off."

"It's not too tight."

He nodded. He took both ends of the rope and fed one around each side of the bind between her thigh and calf. Sliding around, he found the ends on the inside of her leg and tied them together. "On its own, this is not an effective bind. You can reach down and untie it easily. I will teach you a chest harness and binding for me. It will keep my arms behind me and at my mid back, preventing me from untying any knots. And the final piece will be forming a collar like how I started your harness, with only one knot at the base of my throat, then running the ends behind the penitent binds, pulling them around the front of them, between the calf and thigh, then tying the ends, forcing me to stay leaning forward. Would you like me to continue with the other Penitent bind?"

"Yes."

"I am going to my pack to grab the rest of my hemp rope. I won't be far." He quickly stood and rummaged through his bag, finding another three bundles. He quickly unwound the smaller one as he sat back down, repeating the bind on her right leg. Taking a second, he eyed her face, finding them half lidded and relaxed. Her breaths were deep, almost purposeful in pulling the rope tighter around her torso. Smiling, he leaned forward and brushed a knuckle across her cheek. “I’ll do the harness and binding I want done on me, on you. I’ll explain how to do it at the next place we stop at as you seem to be enjoying this.

She nodded mutely. Moving behind her, he collected both remaining bundles of rope and sat them next to him. He pulled her arms gently behind her, having each hand grasp the opposing elbow. “This is the Evening harness and bind. Your forearms will be tied together along with your upper arms. The rope will pass between your arms and torso to secure the ropes from being shimmied off.” Making a bite in the middle of the first rope, he circled it around her forearms twice and formed a knot with the bite and tucked it into the rope he had circled. He ran his fingers along her skin as he brought the loose ends of the rope up to her left arm just below the shoulder joint, enjoying its warmth. Aloy gave a hum of contentment. He pulled her back to lean on his chest as his right hand ran across her chest to pull the rope over to her right arm in the same place. It continued across her back, and he made sure the next pass across her left arm fell just below the first. Again across her front and around her right shoulder, still below the first pass of rope. When he came to the back, he passed the rope ends underneath the first length that ran up to her left shoulder and then gently tugged it to the right so it fell in line with her spine. As the ropes tightened to bring her forearms slightly more up, a low moan left his Sun.

“Everything okay?”

“Everything is fine, my Shadow. Please continue.” Her voice was raspy and he fought to not let it affect him. This was for her, and her alone.

He passed the rope up to the right then passed it under the part of the ropes that were running around her arms and torso, then passed it back up and to the left. That got pulled under the same horizontal roping on the other side of the rope along her spine and over and under it to be pulled to the left again. Once done with that, he ran a check along the ropes to ensure they weren’t too tight and that they lie as flat as possible. He pulled the rope ends between her arm and torso to her front and fed it over the top of the rope on her chest. From there he fed it back under and to her back again, pulling it snug. Passing it under the spine rope, he repeated the same weave on her right side. He recreated the first knot that formed at the middle of her back to tie it off.

“There.” He pulled her back against him once again. Her eyes were in a faraway place and she was completely calm. He plucked gently at her main harness on the rope that ran from between her legs to her neck on her back and watched her eyes flutter softly. The sigh she gave completed something in him. That this was something he could give her. 

He let her sit like that for a few minutes, keeping a critical eye mainly on her Penitent bindings on her legs. Eventually he gently nudged her forward. “That is enough for now. I still need to eat. I will undo the bindings on your legs first. Don’t move them yet. Once I have you free of them all except the harness, I will need you to slowly move each of your arms and legs. Only move them as far as you are comfortable with. Once that is done, I will take care of you until you return to your normal balance. I’m sure you feel something akin to being drunk right now.”

She hummed in agreement. He gave a soft smack to her rear. “Words, my Sun.”

She gave a soft growl. “I have never been drunk, my Shadow, but I imagine it is something like what I am feeling.”

He kissed her temple lightly then moved to sit in front of her. He undid her leg bindings and sat the rope to the side to be bundled later. He massaged the areas where the ropes had not been, ensuring blood flow. Next, he slowly undid the Evening harness and bind, again massaging her arms and hands where the rope hadn’t constricted. He placed his hands on her shoulders and gently laid her onto her side. Sitting next to her, he unbound her hair and ran his fingers quietly through it then placed her head to rest on his thigh. "First your legs. Gently move them a bit until you feel confident in full range of motion." 

The imprints left by the hemp rope looked glorious on her skin. If she asked to keep doing this and liked the rough rope, he'd pay to start dyeing them. Her legs were slowly being moved until she was eventually stretched all the way out.

"Now your arms. If you want to continue having me do this, we'll work on your flexibility to put your arms in tighter, more uncomfortable binds. The rope won't be tighter on your skin but the angles will be."

Her arms now fully extended, she tucked one hand under his thigh, the other under her head. He reached for the blanket and placed it over her. "You looked beautiful. Thank you for submitting to me. You were brave for allowing yourself to be so vulnerable."

He wasn't surprised to see tears appear in her eyes at his affirmations. "What is wrong with me? Why do I feel sad?"

He smiled reassuringly. "Nothing is wrong with you. You are floating back up from cede trance. Feelings you may have reconnected to while under are becoming apparent, or feelings you may have disconnected from above that you didn't realize you had are revealing themselves. It won't happen every time you do this, but it will happen again."

She began trembling lightly. He reached down and scooped her up into his lap, hugging her close. "You're safe. Cry if you need to. Some of those who visited my Khane often came just for this kind of outlet. My parents trained rope masters who liked the artistry and directed supplicants to them, as they didn't do it for the eroticism. Every rope master they approved of always helped supplicants afterwards by slowly bringing them back normalcy the same way I am doing now with you. Touches, hugs, affirmations, food, and very rarely there was trauma to talk through."

Tears were tracking silently down her cheeks, but there were no sobs. "Do you want the harness off now?"

She shook her head. "No. But if you could redo it so I can relieve myself while still wearing it, that would be nice."

"I can do that." Standing up, he placed her on her feet in front of him. He took the blanket back off and sat it next to her feet. Turning her around so her back faced him, he stood close to her back and reached around to her belly where the ropes were secured. He took his time unlacing them until he reached the four strand braid he had made. He undid it then began rebuilding the harness. This time, instead of running straight between her legs and up her back, he ran them between and split them so they cupped each cheek of her rear and around to the lower opening between knots. Working from bottom to top, he redid the harness. As he ran it under the neck loop and over her snugged the harness down. He then secured it at where the ropes crossed at her mid back.

"All done." He glanced up to the mouth of the cave. Faint light told him that the sun had just set. So no hunting for dinner tonight. They were running low on dried goods with only some beans now, and all the spices except the salt were gone. But they did have some tubers Aloy had foraged up. He wasn't very good at plant craft, but he'd also never had reason to be so. 

He grabbed the blanket and put it back around her. "You can put your armor back on if you like. Or stay like this. I need to make dinner though. Don't be afraid to ask for something if you need or want it. You will likely feel vulnerable until you get some sleep." She nodded then sat next to the fire, staring into it. He kneeled behind her and gave her rear another light tap. "Words."

She huffed. "Yes, my Shadow."

He retrieved the ingredients along with some dried and smoked boar meat and the cooking supplies. A whole flask of water was put in the pot along with the meat, cut up tubers, and a strong dash of salt. It would be a brothy, plain meal but it would sit better on her stomach.

He pondered at how well he had taken to being one who controls. And acknowledged that Aloy was right. He did have some of his mother in him. His father had thought so too, though his mother didn't entertain the idea as he had been such an emotional, sweet child.

He sat the pot over the coals to boil, then turned back to Aloy. Tears still tracked intermittently down her face, but she didn't appear to be disturbed by their presence anymore. "I feel less angry."

"Of course. From what you have told me, you've fought most of your life for control over it. So much had been decided for you without your input. So you were angry with no real outlet. But here, today, you willingly gave up that hard earned control to someone else. Knowing that you chose that makes a huge difference. If I had taken that control without your consent, you would still be angry."

She turned to look at him. "Is that why you black out then? That your anger at the control that was taken from you as a child is so intense that you snap and lose conscious control over your actions?"

Shock quaked through him. There was trauma, sure. But what she said made the most sense. And it could explain why during the battle of Meridian, he had some influence to target only machines until none were left. He had willingly surrendered that control, when all the other times it had been taken forcibly from him. "That might indeed be the case, my Sun. But tonight isn't about me."

He slid over to sit next to her. "I would like to put leg ties on you. They tie into the main harness and are not a bind. Just decorative. May I?"

She smiled at him. "Of course."

"The rough rope or the soft?"

She looked over to the pile of rough rope he still hadn't bundled or put away. "I like the roughness. It's...distracting in a way I enjoy."

Definitely paying to dye the hemp rope. He reached over and brought the pile to him. He pulled the longer rope out and folded it in half. Grabbing her foot gently, he placed it in his lap. He took the bite and wrapped it around her big toe then brought the lines of the rope to the outside of her ankle. Keeping her ankle bent, he tugged the length slightly more taut, then placed a thumb to hold the rope in place. He wrapped the ends around her lower leg and back to where it was pinned against her skin. The rope got wrapped over and under to go further up her leg, using its own roughness to keep the lock he had created in place. He laced it two more times to just below her knees, then three times more to the tops of her thighs.

After the last rope lock he adjusted the tightness then took the remaining rope and tied it to the loop of the harness that wrapped around her rear.

His huntress was looking down at the tie, intrigued. "Teb would love to talk to you when we get to the Embrace. He mainly makes clothes and he would find what you do with rope fascinating."

Nil smiled. "I wondered that he might enjoy this. If I decide that teaching is what I wish to do, I will ask him to be my first student. He probably already has some minimal knowledge of knots which helps a lot. And if you trust him and I, I would like to use you as a training tool so he can see what I'm doing. My estate has wooden human sized dolls to practice on, but being able to show how to avoid pinching and what skin color to look for is helpful."

"We can discuss that as we get closer. But I don't think I would be against it so long as I can have clothes on."

Taken aback, he responded immediately. "Of course. I can have some close fitting silk shorts and a top made for you. I never expected you to be naked. It just happens that I don't have anything for you to wear at the moment that won't interfere. Did that bother you and you didn't say anything?"

His earnestness seemed to make her uncomfortable. "I didn't mind it. Not with only you. I just didn't know if I was required to be without clothes for it."

"I'm sorry I wasn't clear about that. As long as the clothes aren't bulky, they can be worn while being tied. Do you want that from now on?"

She sidled up to his side and hugged him, shaking her head into his chest.

This time he grabbed her, pulled her across his lap so she was laying face down, and gave a firm swat to her rear. "Words, Aloy. I will not accept gestures as consent, only as revocation of consent. Not in this setting anyways. You need to specifically tell me. Or I will spank you again.” He knew she had stilled in shock at what he just did. And he waited for it to process for her. Either she was going to continue submitting or she was going to kick his teeth in. Which he might deserve as this hadn’t been discussed yet, but he had already swatted her lightly twice with compliance and no complaint on her part.

He had elected to teach her and she had elected to learn. This was part of what she was going to be expected to do if she was going to be one who controls. She would have to enforce the rules she set. It was certainly in the primer he had given her to read.

Both of her hands slowly clenched and he waited for her to start wailing on him. To his surprise, they then relaxed, and her body unclenched. “Yes, my Shadow. If I fail to use words for consent, I will be spanked."

She didn't move from where he had placed her across his lap. Cautiously, he smoothed a hand over where he had struck her. "I apologize for not asking about this punishment being utilized ahead of time. And for using it three times already."

"It's fine, my Shadow. I did read about it. I just... wasn't sure about using it on you myself."

She didn't stop his soothing. "I trust you to not harm me maliciously, my Sun. And I will always tell you if what you are doing is out of bounds. But I'd enjoy seeing your creativity and what you can come up with for punishment and discipline. And even for rewards."

"Rewards?"

"Discipline is done regularly. It's not punishment. And if one who cedes does well with discipline, there can be rewards given by one who controls. You can view being bound and not complaining and being pliant as discipline. And you did very well. As the one who controls I should reward you. Part of that was giving you the leg tie. But I can think of other things to do for you."

He cupped his hand and slid it between her parted legs, drawing a stuttered gasp from her. He had been studiously ignoring her body while roping her, making himself be professional. But he was still a man, and he still found her achingly attractive. But he refused to make this about him. 

"You will stay still. Perfectly still. Not a finger or a twitch. You will remain quiet. No moans, gasps. I will stop if you do not comply. You may speak to confirm you understand or if you want me to not do this."

"I will stay still. I will not make any noise. The punishment is you stopping, my Shadow."

He smirked. Her curls were damp. He slid his fingers through her folds, stroking up and down. Whenever he passed over her bundle of nerves, he lightened his touch. She quickly became very wet, her abdomen tightening with her attempts to keep herself still and quiet. 

He withheld the pressure she desperately desired, and though she hadn't made a sound, he could feel frustration radiating from her. After a couple more passes, he decided to put her out of her misery. 

His middle finger stayed on it, and he placed more pressure as he moved his finger over it repeatedly. Her breathing became ragged and she caught a couple moans before they left her.

He dipped lightly into her opening, then moved to continue flicking his finger over that special bundle of nerves, going quicker and quicker. Her body was shaking uncontrollably but she managed to not move. He snuck his free hand up into her hair right as he gave a final firm rub then pulled her hair.

"Scream if you need to."

And she did as she released. He continued to rub gently as it ran through her, wringing as much pleasure out of her as he could.

He pulled her up from her position across his lap, sat her between his legs and fixed the blanket around her. “You please me greatly. Thank you for letting me do that. It’s time to eat. Sit here until I get dinner into bowls.”

“Yes, my Shadow.”

A smile colored the kiss he gave to the side of her neck. She was learning. He made quick work of pulling the thin soup off the fire and filling two bowls up with the broth. Balancing bowls in either hand, he carefully sat behind her once again. Placing one bowl to the side, he brought the other up to his mouth and blew on it gently, trying to cool it down. Aloy had wisely not reached out to the one he had placed on the ground.

He took a couple test sips to gauge the heat of the liquid before he was satisfied it had cooled enough. Aloy quirked an eyebrow as he brought it to her lips, but quietly sipped the broth as he fed it to her.

When the bowl was empty, he placed it down and picked up the other. He drank it down then collected both bowls to clean them outside.

He placed a lid on the pot to save the rest for breaking their fast in the morning. Grabbing the other hemp rope, he sat and took her opposite leg, quickly lacing it up like the other one.

Aloy was then gathered in his arms and they sat quietly on his bed roll. As she sat placidly in his arms, he reminisced on how he had gotten to this point. And how he really needed to detach himself from the feelings that were welling up in him for her. She had agreed to help, not get tangled up in unrequited emotions.

He buried his face in the hair on top of her head and breathed in her scent. Sweat and metal and wilderness, the pine trees of the Embrace, early morning loam below them.

He was going to be devastated if she walked away after helping him. What had started as curiosity had, over the course of a year and limited interactions, morphed into more for him.

He wouldn't say he needed her, because that was patently untrue. But she had brought out the best of him when he had been floundering for purpose. Forced him to look inside and accept what was there, to learn to love most of it. Taught him that, even though he hadn't been a good man, he had been good enough when given the opportunity.

She had given him a new lease on life. And he wanted so badly to give back to her. But his Sun-King, the Arrows, and his Uncle had made it clear that he was needed in the Sundom. He couldn't be in two places at once.

Though Aloy hadn't really discussed it, he knew she needed to leave to fix GAIA. To rein in her rampant subfunctions like HEPHAESTUS.

If he could teach someone else what he knew that could be accessible to the Sundom, he would go with her. But he already had around four years of teaching the basics before he was taken by Jiran and Helis. He still hadn't mastered everything to be taught by his Khane's texts. He wouldn't be able to teach someone else quickly.

His mind kept going back to Teb, and how Aloy implied he would take well to hetep. He knew Aloy had more Focuses, and that Teb had a small inkling of its capabilities.

He also assumed that Teb would be one of Aloy's interference runners when they got to Nora home lands.

Avad only wanted someone to become a master and to teach. Nil suspected Avad didn't care who they were or where they came from or even where they were located. Only that they were a good person who wanted to help others who needed the help.

As Aloy began snoring softly in his arms, he began fleshing out a plan so that he would be able to go with Aloy and have everyone invested in his trade be at least accepting of the situation. He wanted to at least try first.

-------------

She woke up from probably one of the deepest, most undisturbed sleeps she'd ever had. The events of the previous night came back quickly to her, and she thought embarrassment at being subdued would crash into her, yet it didn't. 

When she had submitted to being bound, as she floated around in her own skin hyper aware of every chafe the rope made against it, she had found a strange peace. Nil hadn't made her feel ashamed in the least for enjoying it, made it seem natural, though up until now most people she had encountered had hated being tied up. But most of those people hadn't asked to be bound.

Even now as she felt the ropes tied snugly around her torso and legs, she felt a sense of security. One she tied innately to Nil. He had given her this peace just because he could. He had made it comforting instead of sexual, and her something in her chest clenched at that thought. It was a different feeling than desire, which she could now, thanks to the Carja hunter, give a name to. 

It was almost the same kind of tug her heart gave when she remembered Rost. The same, yet different. Was it affection? She was fond of her Shadow. She had been fond of him for a while, but that fondness hadn't elicited a feeling like her heart wanted to exit her chest.

The ropes against her skin had distracted her from the fact that she was cuddled into Nil's relaxed, sleeping body. Both of them covered by his blanket and on his bedroll. His arm was across her waist, the other tucked under his head. Her leg was thrown over his. 

When he had spanked her, thoughts had literally fled her head. She had felt like she was supposed to get angry, and she probably would have if he had done anything other than wait to see her reaction.

But when he had rewarded her...oh… The challenge of being told to stay perfectly still and quiet was too much for her to resist. And it had driven her wild in a way she hadn't known before.

He hadn't kissed her during or after, so he hadn't realized she had bitten the inside of her lower lip hard enough to draw blood. And that had added its own pleasure to what he had been doing to her.

He had become a drug to her in so many different ways. First it was her need to know everything and he hid much of himself. Every last scrap of information she had dug up on him became like a treasure. A hit of pleasure. The companionship he provided when they went after bandit camps, personal fights notwithstanding, was something she craved after he left her sight. 

And this pleasure he had introduced her to. It was nothing she had ever imagined, having been so caught up in trying to fit in, find her mother, and save the Sundom and Embrace to even entertain other ideas, other pursuits.

She hoped, even though he was needed, that he would follow her, like he had promised to. But he had honor, and many people needing his Khane's lost art would probably win out over following a Nora woman seeking ghosts of the past.

She stared at his sleeping face. A man who had suffered so much in his life, hurt many others against his will because of that suffering. The real Nil was soft and sweet. Killing was against his core nature. He wanted to nurture, to care for others. He could still be stern, he wasn't a push over.

He was complex. And still a puzzle despite laying all he was bare at her feet.

She reached out and tucked a few of those loose errant hairs away from his handsome face, behind his ear. A soft sigh left him and he nudged his face into her hand.

Giving into the impulse, she leaned toward him and pressed her lips softly against his, closing her eyes.

She heard him hum in surprise then felt him return the kiss. They both kept it calm, almost lazy. After a few moments, they broke to catch their breath. Her eyes opened to lock onto his brilliant silvery irises, glittering softly at her like all the stars in the night sky.

"Good morning to you too, my Sun. Did you sleep well?"

"I did. I haven't slept so well in a very long time."

A slightly arrogant, pleased smile crossed his face. "I accept your silent thanks."

She scowled playfully at him then got up. She walked over to where her armor was neatly folded and stared blankly at her chest bindings. How was she going to get that back on? She relied on them to make combat, riding, and movement easier on her chest. And she supposed she also liked the pressure it placed on her ribs, looking back at recent activities and desires.

She heard him rise and stand next to her. "Ah. I can help you get that on if you want, without removing the harness."

"Thank you, that would be wonderful." She scooped them into her hand, then handed them off to him. Her nakedness around him didn't bother her. It hadn't bothered her since Sobeck Ranch. He desired her, but he also never made her nakedness a central point to that desire. He had complimented her looks before, but also just…her. Her personality, her traits. He liked every bit of her. So she was comfortable around him.

He brought one end of the breast binding to the center of her chest and she held it there. He began feeding the cloth under all the ropes, causing them to tighten and release around her body. She found herself quickly back in that floating place from the previous day. She wasn't nearly as deep into it, but she was definitely there.

She felt a pinch on her hip that drew her out abruptly. 

"My apologies. We have places to be, my Sun. I know it is tempting to fall into cede trance, but we should be trying to make good time to the Khane Khensu estate. We both have things we need to be focusing on getting done as quickly as possible. And if you are going to wear the harness regularly, you will need to learn to control your descent into trance. I do not wish harm to come upon you while traveling because you are distracted."

She wanted to be annoyed, but he was right. At least about the being distracted part. But she didn't want to think about the things, the different goals they both had, that were already threatening to tear them apart.

"I understand."

"We can make certain...arrangements about how distracted we are allowed to be while traveling, once in the Sundom proper. But we are still in unknown territory. We know little of what lies west of Sun Rock and Sunfall. Another three days of travel will place us in relatively safe lands, patrolled by Carja soldiers at least occasionally. We can stay at Sun Rock for a night. Janeva will happily host us, though they may interrogate me for an hour. I studiously avoided them before, during, and after the battle of Meridian, and I sensed that they were a bit hurt by that."

Aloy smiled. Janeva probably did view Nil as some sort of ward. They had cared for him for two years, guided him through the beginning of his healing. The only news the Warden had received about their ward had been second hand through Aloy.

"You should talk with Janeva. They are invested in how well you are doing, even beyond what you can provide the Sundom. They watched you evolve from the person Helis had tortured you into being, to a person who wanted to, at bare minimum, do right by the world. At best, do good in the world."

He had been carefully and firmly winding the cloth around her and under the ropes while they spoke, and she felt him finally tuck the end of it into the binding itself. He stepped back and moved to the fire.

He remained silent, but not sullenly so, as he got it roaring again. The pot that held the rest of last night's meal was placed in the coals to warm.

She dressed leisurely, enjoying how her armor felt pressing the ropes into her skin. It would definitely take a good portion of her concentration to not focus on them while they were riding.

She packed up Nil's blanket and bed roll and dragged them out to their broadheads. The behemoths he had tamed stood quietly a small distance away. She went back inside once his items were stowed.

Nil held up her full bowl, this time containing more than just broth. It had been strange to be fed. It was easily one of the first things she had been expected to do for herself. Rost had disliked her dependence on him as a child. It might have been different if he had never left the tribe to hunt down his wife and child's killer. Because then he could afford to indulge in her helplessness as a child. But every moment as an outcast was dangerous. Every moment she demanded of his attention because she couldn't care for herself was a moment a machine or a bandit could show up and kill them both.

That distraction is what killed him in the end. Because she couldn't kill or escape Helis and his men.

So Nil feeding her, represented something complex for her. It meant safety. It meant accepting defenselessness by being distracted. She liked the sentiment even as Rost's years of teachings screamed at her to not let Nil be so exposed.

She supposed that was something she could learn to let go of, as long as she knew she was someplace safe. It had been a long year of feeling on edge the whole time.

She took his bowl along with hers when she finished, cleaned them, and packed them away. He joined her out at their mounts. Swinging up, she turned and looked back to the cave. This trip had proved to be more than she had initially banked on. And she was bringing him back to a place that was deeply personal to her. And they were stopping at a place that was deeply personal to him.

She had never pondered having a mate. Even having found out that Rost had one once, she never thought about it for herself. She had been so consumed with being able to win the Proving, any other thoughts just didn’t have room in her head. But here she was, doing things with a Carja hunter. Ex-soldier.

Life was funny that way. She glanced at Nil who was also looking back at the cave, a wistful look on his face. She smiled at it. “Follow, Nil. Let’s get into safer territory.”

He nodded. They both kicked their mounts into a trot, moving east.

-------

Gonna hold you down

Kiss you in your gown

Gonna love you up

Can't you see.

So many things

That I've done in my time

So many things

Which you still keep in line.

Tie you up

Gonna break the glove

Gonna tie you up

With my love.

~Tie You Up by Nikki Sudden

Chapter Text

Over ten years had passed since he had last been to his family’s estate. Thankfully his uncle had returned once Avad had ascended the Sun Throne, driving out the nobles who had been supporters of Jiran living there, and fixing it to where it had been.

But he felt like he’d only see blood stains everywhere. In the garden near the shed, where his father had fought to protect his mother. The kitchens and hallways where servants had been slaughtered. The visitor’s wing filled with a handful of students and supplicants who had the misfortune of being there that terrible day.

His father had known they were unlikely to kill his son, so had bid him hide while he went to safeguard his wife. He had never seen his father take charge before, the military training kicking in. It had scared him. Deeply.

These were all memories he would have to get over.

Ligan had made it known that the gardens weren’t as they once were, having been destroyed. Rosebushes and flowerbeds filled with specially bred plants for potions and creams and oils, all torn up. But his uncle had found that there were seeds still hidden in the shed where his mother had been hiding, under a false floorboard.

As they approached the gates, he saw that plants were in bloom once again. All the varieties his mother and father had him memorize while playing in the land around the estate. He swallowed back a lump in his throat and fought back the burn in his eyes.

He had already been caught sobbing by Janeva when they had stopped in Sun Rock. The warden had been happy to see him, and him them. Though the start of their friendship had been rocky and full of death threats on both sides, they had persevered to make him better. Janeva had been the one to call in Ligan and ask if there was anything to be done with him to contain him. They could have just left him to rot in a cell, not bothering to help. Instead, at Ligan’s urging, they had called upon Marad, who had then sent Vanasha. He still didn’t like the Asp, nor her him, but she had helped nonetheless.

He owed his life, not to Avad, but to Janeva. And he had let them know that during their chat. Aloy hadn’t been present, having decided that she wanted some fresh boar to serve to everyone at the prison, even prisoners. He thought she was just excited to have spices again on the warden's spending shard.

Aloy had dismounted and walked up next to him, placing her hand on his thigh.

"You have my permission to go and wander. I will speak with Ligan for you. What do you need me to ask for?"

The tears burning in his eyes slipped out. "Full stock of what I took with me along with those I didn't feel were necessary, and two mannequins. You will need to tame another machine to transport them. Also the silk shorts and sleeping tunic for you, and two silk shorts for men with string ties at the waist."

She gave his thigh a rub and went to walk away. He dismounted and caught her before she got too far and drew her into a hug. "I'm sorry to inconvenience you like this, my Sun."

"It's a part of taking care of you, is it not? Find me before you get overwhelmed. Or just stay here until I finish and I can walk with you to keep an eye on you."

They hadn't fought for dominance since the cave. Nil was happy to just exist under her whim for now, knowing coming here was in his future. And he sensed that she knew that too, for she had fully assumed her mantle as one who controls and had been gentle with him.

He felt her give a half hearted pinch to his hip. "Do not apologize for needing comfort. That is one thing I would not ever take from you."

"Yes my Sun. I won't apologize for needing comfort again."

She extracted herself from his arms, spun him around, and gave his rear a gentle smack, ushering him into the garden. "Go explore. Don't stress yourself out though. I shouldn't be long."

She walked to the front of the mansion where Ligan had appeared. He watched until they had both disappeared into the mansion, leaving him to the plants and their bittersweet memories.

First he walked over to a hedge of roses, red and their scent reminding him of his father. Of poems and meditation and calm. Always centered. He then wandered over to the shockroot flowers, his mother's favorite. He hadn't time to play around with any of the oils beyond the sweet oil, but he had a suspicion as to why this was his mother's favorite and not the fire bloom. His mother was a polarizing force, as his grandmother had been. They consistently ran roughshod over other noble Khanes that tried to minimize their house because it was headed by a female. They were the epitome of shocking in Carja society.

The shockroot was citrusy in scent, a zing of awakening on the nose and senses. He imagined that the oil would run like sparks over his skin. A half thought flew across his brain and he gave himself a second to smirk before moving on.

He approached the shed where his father had died and his mother had been captured. It had been meticulously maintained. To the side he saw two headstones. He walked over and saw that his uncle had made graves for his sister and brother-in-law. In front of each was not their favorite flower, but their spouse's. 

He smiled. They would have loved that reminder of each other. He kneeled in front of both of them and glanced over what was chiseled lovingly into them. On his father’s, Rashad Khane Khensu:

“The heart prints you left behind

Will never be forgotten until the end

In my simple ways, you made me special

Thanks for walking with me

In my poetry journey.”

On his mother’s, Forsha Khane Khensu:

“How beautifully you are learning the art of surrender. The courage to let go, in the wilds of your unknowns.”

As he sat there, he mentally recounted his horrid life after they had passed to them. Ending with meeting Aloy, how he wanted to change to someone they would be proud of. How he was trying to embrace their teachings, maybe pass them on if he could. How he had come to this point because his huntress had been the first to tell him his life had value out loud, beyond the value of his Khane. Others had certainly made it a point through actions, but she was the first to slap him across the face with words. The first that had shown hurt when he made it known he had placed no value on his continued existence.

He told them he might love her. And that he shouldn’t. He didn’t believe in destiny or fate, but she had already accomplished feats worthy of legend, that insofar as another despot never became Sun King, would be passed on for generations. Her legend would never die. Much like her mother’s legend, though lost, had never died. Aloy would continue to do great things. Because she saw the need for it. And no one else could do what she could.

Only she could get into certain places to fix what needed fixing. GAIA needed to be fixed or at least put back in control of her now wayward subfunctions, her lost children.

Though HADES inadvertently had caused much pain for his Sun, putting him down had also caused her pain. He saw the look on her face as she had stared down at his container. A mixture of rage and sadness. Because it should never have come to her facing the AI down. Sylens had created a monster out of his desire for knowledge. And Aloy, the Nora, and the Sundom had ended up paying the price.

He told them how he wanted to help her however he could. But also how he didn’t want to betray them by giving up their Khane. They wanted this for him. They defied a mad king because they felt it so strongly. They had died for it.

A gentle wind blew across the yard, bringing shockroot and roses to his nose and a new sense of peace to him. No. They hadn't died for the Khane, for him to take it over. They had died for him. The Khane was the excuse that they hoped would work to keep him from the mad King's clutches. To keep him safe.

This was permission to do whatever made him happy. Aloy couldn't give him that permission. No one except himself. Deep down, he knew his parents may have wanted the Khane for him, but the Khane was built so that only those who truly wanted to do the teaching would take over. A resentful or uninvested teacher was a dangerous teacher. They never would have forced him to it. Only asked with no deep expectations.

He relaxed back onto his heels and breathed in the scents of the garden. He made up his mind.

He would teach Teb if Teb desired it. Then pass his family's legacy to a sweet tempered, but very loyal one who cedes to carry it on. The Khane would remain in the Sundom, but the teacher would be in the Embrace.

-----------

The man hadn't batted an eye at any of the requests Nil had given her. In fact, he had looked rather pleased and also proud. Until she hit the part about the potions that her Shadow hadn't brought with him originally. At that exact request Ligan about choked on his own spit. Out of embarrassment no less.

And he had leveled her with a very searching and interested look. One she was trying to decide if she should become defensive about. Before she could reach a conclusion, he abruptly nodded.

"If he feels it is necessary. Lucky for him, the stock of those hasn't been bought out yet. I will get everything collected for you out front shortly. Does Amin wish to stay for dinner? Stay the night before you both head out?"

She was happy he wasn't prying too deeply into their business, but considering that Nil had asked for more items pertaining to hetep, she supposed he didn't need too. "I am unsure. I will ask him while you are busy."

Ligan nodded and walked away in that strange stately manner that Blameless Marad seemed to possess also. What a strange look he had leveled upon her, like he was trying to find her once again worthy. And what did the potions that Nil had left behind have anything to do with her worthiness? Such secrets in this Khane, though none had ever proven deadly, just tragic at the worst. Filled with strange pleasures at the best.

Huffing to herself, she returned to the garden. She found her Shadow kneeling next to the garden shed, looking the most at peace she'd ever seen while he was awake. He didn't immediately acknowledge her appearance, but she sensed he knew she was there. Quietly, she went over and knelt next to him, observing the headstones she hadn't initially noticed. She let the silence tide over for a few heartbeats.

"Your parents?"

Nil's head bobbed an affirmative. His hand gestured towards the headstones. "Aloy, meet my parents, Forsha and Rashad of Khane Khensu. My father died at this very shed. And my mother was captured here. I had been hiding in a wooden clothes chest in the teaching wing when it happened."

She reached over and took Nil's hand in hers. "I'm sorry for your loss."

Nil finally looked up at her, his eyes clear of tears or sorrow. "No need to be sorry my Sun. They wouldn't want me to still grieve all these years later. They would want me to live freely and happily. It's why they defied their Sun King, to give me that." He gently squeezed her hand.

"Your uncle would like to know if we are staying for dinner or for the evening. You may make that choice, as I don't care either way. And you may tell him yourself while I go get another two machines to help carry the manakins."

As she went to stand and release his hand, she was immediately tugged back down and into his arms. He nuzzled into the junction of her neck and shoulder and inhaled deeply. "I said we could address the distraction bit of traveling once we were in the Sundom. We are now deep into it and I've seen semi-regular patrols. So I would request that you only tame one additional machine and that we ride together on one. There are some things I would like to try with you." His voice had pitched low and become gravelly. "If my Sun is amenable to that."

Her body rocked with desire, knowing he was hinting at more pleasure while they rode towards her home. But he was also toeing the line of impertinence when he hadn't won control and hadn't been given any. So despite the fact that she was most certainly going to say yes, she quickly stood out of his embrace and grabbed his strider tail, yanking his head back. "You did not preface this little discussion by speaking as the teacher. So my Shadow, I would like you to state what you have done wrong here."

He smoothly assembled himself into the kneeling position of attention, back rod straight, his fingers laced behind his head, elbows pulled back as far as possible. She continued pulling on his hair and smirked at the red hot desire twinkling in his moon pale eyes as he looked up at her with a shade of rebelliousness. "I did not ask you for permission to give a request nor preface it with the authority of being your teacher, my Sun."

"Correct. I am feeling generous and intrigued enough though, that I will let it slide so long as your request is proven to be…impressive." She placed her face very close to his as she murmured into his ear, then gave it a good nip.

She heard him swallow drily and actually lean against the hair she was pulling, putting more pressure along his scalp. "I deign to bring you the most pleasure my Sun. I won't disappoint you." He closed the distance between them and kissed her, issuing a heady moan into her lips.

She returned the kiss briefly before she stepped back and slammed him into the ground. She released his hair and found those two dips near the base of his spine, pressing her thumbs into them. At his groan of pleasure and the buck of his hips, she immediately released him and strode away. "Go and tell your uncle what you desire of tonight. Now. And I will go and retrieve us one machine."

She smiled evilly at him as he looked down at his tented pants and it dawned upon him what she had just ordered. "That's for trying to weasel your way out of punishment by appealing to my newly awakened sexual appetite."

She watched as his face flushed down to his chest, yet a pleased smile crossed his face. “Understood my Sun. I will go and speak with my uncle about tonight and notify you when you get back.” He stood up fluidly and walked up to her, that rebellious spark having never left his eyes. He was going to fight her tomorrow for dominance. She could see it dancing around in his irises. She smirked up at him. “Better get moving my Shadow, or your punishment for dragging your feet will be less pleasant.” She gave his tented pants a light tap with her hand. She then whirled around and made her way to where their machines were resting, some of the Khane’s servants staring warily and curiously at them.

She was going to sleep lightly tonight, whether it was at this estate or out in the midst of the Jewel.

------------------

To be fair, she had told him it was his choice. And after having to speak to his uncle with his privates standing at attention, it was only fair. And the look on her face was worth it as she stared into the single bedroom he had requested they share. 

He gave her a manaical grin. "Is the master suite not good enough for you my Sun?"

"Sleeping under the stars where no one can see us is one thing, taking over your Khane's private apartments is quite another. Did Ligan look at you like you are crazy?"

He smirked and shook his head. "These rooms are mine. Maybe not by right of birth, but by right of one who is training to be the head of household. My uncle was quite pleased to have them cleaned up at my request. He hasn't been staying in them anyways."

She huffed in annoyance. "People are going to talk about this. Me staying in your room."

Nil walked up to her, and placed his hands on her cheeks to get her to look up at him. "This is the sole Khane in the Sundom where being in a bedroom with someone is not a sign of lifelong commitment nor of paying for sexual favors. Us being in a bedroom alone together overnight can mean only that I am giving you private tutoring."

"There's a whole wing for teaching Nil. I don't buy your explanation.” Her face glowed bright red with embarrassment and he was enjoying every second of it. Getting the unflappable Aloy to show discomfort was a treasure all its own.

“My parents sometimes tutored in these apartments. Not very often, but they did do it. Mainly for the teachings that could be more…unsettling… Best to keep those teachings away from where newer acolytes could hear. I suspect that those were the nights and days where my parents sent me to spend time with Ligan, so I wouldn’t hear.”

"More unsettling than the cutting and choking you've mentioned? Or were those teachings here too?"

Nil's smirk turned grim. "Indeed. I won't touch on that for a long time, simply for my own sanity. Suffice it to say that it was a favorite amongst the remorseless and all first interactions were heavily monitored."

Her throat swallowed in nervousness. Her head turned to take in the room closely to seemingly distract herself and he watched her begin to wander in it. It was fairly large, a rare four poster feather bed in the middle, a chest at the foot, a couple more of the posable dummies in the corner, various wooden furniture that Nil knew wasn't furniture, and a large plush carpet that took up most of the floor.

As she glanced up, he watched confusion cross her face. "Why are there hooks in the beams over the bed with rope on them?"

He stalked up behind her and leaned forward to growl into her ear. "Would you like me to show you instead of explaining my Sun? Because I would like to very much. It will be more instruction on what I may need you to do to me." A finger searched out the harness she was still wearing under her armor, and he gave it a small tug.

Her eyes fluttered closed and he heard her swallow drily. "I would like for you to do that."

He stood close enough to feel the heat radiating off of her back. All he wanted to do was pull her to his front and revel in it. "Do you cede control to me for tonight?"

Green eyes opened and glanced back up at the ceilings. A shudder ran through her frame before she answered. "Yes. I cede control to you, my Shadow."

He pressed his lips to the junction of her neck and shoulder and untied her harness where it was secured behind her back, before stepping back. As he stepped around her, he pointed to a door to the right of the bed. "I had a bath drawn. Please go and wash the road off of you and relax. Some food and water will be waiting when you are done."

She scowled at him. "You knew I was going to cede."

The smile on his face was large and he chuckled. "I know you are a curious creature. You love learning. I banked on that curiosity taking over your good sense. Now, be good, and go relax. You trust me to take care of you right?"

The scowl vanished as she centered herself. "I do, my Shadow. I will go and bathe."

He was happy when she turned and padded sedately into the bathing room. Her trust would always be a gift that stabbed his heart. An ache, a pain he hoped would never go away, never let him forget the treasure she gave him.

---------

The bath had nothing on those provided in Meridian, but it was still overwhelming to her outcast self everytime she stepped in one. There was Oseram water plumbing that could provide hot water as long as you knew an hour in advance that you required it. Various bottles of oils and several selections of soaps were lined along the back wall of the tub. On a stool next to the tub was a stack of pristine tan towels and on the back of the door were a selection of Carja silk robes. 

After relieving herself, she opted to look around in the drawers of an armoire and wash basin and saw several items that she had no idea what they were and a couple she could guess as to their use. This whole house was likely riddled with items of Amin's Khane's trade! Red faced with embarrassment, she quickly closed the drawers and went over to the gently steaming water. Perched on the side, she lowered her legs in and sighed as the heat seeped into her flesh. She grabbed the bottles of oil and unstopped them, giving each a sniff.

Oddly enough, there was an odorless oil. She tipped it out into a finger and rolled it around her between her thumb and finger. Nothing seemed particularly special about it. She shrugged and as she went to put it away, ended up knocking it into the water. 

Upset at her clumsiness, but not upset at the fact that it was odorless, she went back and picked up mildly herbal oil and poured a small amount in. After perusing the soaps, she selected one that smelled like pine, then submerged herself in the water.

Hot baths were a luxury she only got a couple of times growing up in the Embrace, and they were in a cramped wooden tub after a few hours of boiling water to just end up with lukewarm water at best. The Carja were spoiling her by accident because nothing beat a hot soak after a difficult battle.

As she reclined, she noted that Amin hadn’t asked her to rush. Keeping that in mind, she decided it was time to undo her braids and wash her hair. He had been helping with them by combing her hair and styling it, but it had been some time since it had a thorough cleaning.

Her fingers were pruned by the time she finished redoing her last braid and her last toe had been scrubbed with prejudice. When she stepped out she swooned a little bit, feeling more relaxed than was normal after a bath. She put it down to being tired from their traveling and being somewhere truly safe. Quickly she toweled herself off and then climbed into a blue silk robe. When she walked back out to the suite, she saw a small plate of cheese and fruit was sat on a small table in the corner along with a goblet and pitcher. Nil was nowhere to be seen, but it appeared that he had been busy as there was an assortment of rough rope, dyed yellow and red laying out on the bed covers. She decided not to ponder too hard, as she was going to experience whatever it was anyways.

She grazed lightly on the plate and drank lightly of the table ale, remembering his warning when he had first bound her about not getting many breaks. The longer she sat, the more she became intensely aware of the silk surrounding her body. An awareness she rarely had, in that it seemed to set off sparks across her skin. Right before she was ready to tear it off due to how distracting and absurdly arousing it was becoming, Nil finally reentered the room. He looked freshly scrubbed and groomed, and all the saliva dried out of her mouth at his dress. Topless, no ornaments typical of Carja adorning him, and low slung linen pants. He padded barefoot across the room, stopping next to the table.

They didn't exchange any words but he was looking at her rather critically, and between the All-Mother damned robe and his facial expression, she just wanted to crawl out of her skin. He reached forward and grabbed her chin, tilting her head up so she had to look him in the eye. His touch was like Oseram fireworks.

"Your eyes are almost black and you are unusually flushed for having just had a relaxing bath. Did something happen?"

"No my Shadow. I did drop a whole bottle into the bath by accident but-"

"Which bottle?" His tone was serious. "Was it odorless?"

"Yes, my Shadow. Is it bad that I dropped it?"

A smirk crossed his face. "Oh Aloy…," he crooned, "that particular oil usually only needs a couple of drops. And you dumped a whole bottle and bathed in it for a half hour. That robe must be driving you crazy. It will only get more intense until an hour passes. We probably shouldn't do what I had planned."

As he pulled away, she grabbed him. Every touch was becoming overwhelming. But in a good way. It wasn't annoying, just… a lot. "We can still do it. Please."

His look turned serious. "It makes you sensitive to touch as you've no doubt already noticed. I don't know that I'm comfortable suspending you while it is active on your skin. Both pain and pleasure can be heightened and become very overwhelming."

"Suspended?"

"And of course that is what you focus on. Yes. The hooks are to suspend you after being bound."

Goosebumps erupted over her whole body at the thought of rope constricting over her skin, Nil's hands brushing over it as he bound her. "My Shadow, I promise to let you know the second it becomes too much. Please. I want this."

She watched as his own eyes darkened and a hunger entered them. He stalked back into her space and grabbed a handful of her hair at the base of skull, giving it solid tug that went like lightning straight down to her belly. A moan escaped her before she could help it. It was like her brain short-circuited at that single tug. "You beg beautifully my Sun. I trust you to be nothing less than honest with me. Please tell me if it's more than you can handle. I will not think less of you. In fact, I will respect you more for knowing your limits and enforcing them."

She nodded enthusiastically, every tug on the hair he still gripped cascading electricity around her body. "I will let you know if sensations become overwhelming, my Shadow."

They held eye contact for a few seconds before Nil seemed to accept her promise. A whine escaped her as he released her hair and the delicious pressure disappeared.

"Take your robe off and get to the center of the bed." She latched onto his orders in the maelstrom of sensation that was pinging around her body. A rock in a storm. A mountain in a gale. She immediately disrobed, not necessarily unhappy to see it go. Every whisper of air that flowed over her skin as she walked to the bed became amplified. As she climbed to the middle of the bed, she ghosted her hands over the fabric of the cover, over her own skin, marveling at touch in general.

"You will cease touching yourself. Sit in the waiting position." A groan escaped her before she could stop it.

"Yes my Shadow." She sat back on her heels and placed her palms on her thighs, pulling on her years of self control to not fidget and give into the impulse to touch everything within reach. It was like an itch under her skin. A buzz. Her soul was vibrating and her body wasn't sure what to do about it.

She felt the bed dip as Nil climbed on and positioned rope around them. The heat that came off his body as he kneeled behind her was like a bonfire. "No noise. No movement unless I direct it or move you myself. You may speak if something is uncomfortable, if your limbs tingle as if losing sensation, if something is pinching, or if it's becoming overwhelming and you want out. Silence will be taken as permission to continue."

"Yes, my Shadow."

The first scrape of the rough hempen rope across her skin made her jump in surprise, ripples of fire and sparks traveling across it unchecked. She felt Nil pause. "I am fine, my Shadow. I wasn't expecting the sensation. I am now. Please continue."

Though she could see his face, she could still feel his smirk from behind her. She bit back a yelp when he pinched her hip. "You spoke and moved without permission. Any punishment accrued after the binding begins will be administered at a later time of my choosing."

He didn't wait for her to give a response and she wisely gave none, her hip echoing his pinch into areas it had no business being. He worked methodically and unrushed, both his touch and the rope's pulling her into a dream space that held only sensation. In what seemed both forever and the blink of an eye, a new sensation appeared, drawing her out of the depths she swam in. 

Her eyes focused around her to find that she was no longer on the bed. She was floating just above it. Her awareness surfacing drew sharper attention to the ropes holding her body, where they were situated and how they dug blissfully into her. Her arms were bound behind her, her left leg bound thigh to calf, and her right foot was bound and above her head. She was suspended almost on her belly. Her body was posed in a crescent shape, her head held back by her hair. To the side of the bed behind her, she heard rope being tied off onto an anchor. 

Soon enough, Nil was kneeling in front of her, face to face, as she wasn't far above the bed. "There you are, my Sun," he murmured softly. "Are you well? You may speak."

"I am great."

"You are perfect. You gave way to my hands and rope like clay to be molded." His hand came up and traced gently across her jaw, bumps traveling across her skin at the feeling it elicited. A pleased exhale left her. A gentle smile crossed his face. "The senza leaf oil is still going strong isn't it? Would you like me to keep touching you?"

"Please, my Shadow."

He nodded. Carefully, his calloused fingers began tracing over her face, eventually moving to her shoulders. The touch changed the nature of her cede trance, and moans now escaped her as moved around her. He studiously stayed away from certain parts of her, but it didn't stop the fire that was starting to build in her belly. The fire burning between her legs and under her skin. Every gasp she gave, every twitch, caused the ropes to rub on her, only driving the sensation up. 

It was a tidal flood of amazing sensation and by the time Nil's nails scraped lightly on her lower back and belly, she was lost to her desire and her release tore through her like an eruption. Tears flooded down her face as she vaguely sensed herself yelling in pleasure.

He knelt in front of her once again, wiping the moisture from her cheeks. "You come so beautifully. I am lucky that you chose to help me down this path." He placed a chaste kiss on the corner of her lips. "Are you ready to be let out?"

The haze that the oil had placed over her senses had lightened enough that she took inventory of her body. Nothing pinched or was tingly, she wasn't hungry or thirsty, nor did she need to relieve herself. "I can stay here a while longer, my Shadow." 

He nodded. Her gaze drifted over his body, noting his elevated pulse on his neck, the light sweat on his chest, and his obvious arousal. Which made her feel guilty that he's been doing so much for her own pleasure and none for his own. 

"I would like to make a request, my Shadow." His pale eyes locked onto hers, as he had been admiring her. 

"Yes?"

Embarrassment twisted her tongue for a couple of moments before she managed to unload her words. "Please pleasure yourself. It is unfair that I have been receiving so much. You deserve it too."

A smile quirked the corner of his mouth up. "And how am I to pleasure myself, Aloy? Do you wish to see me use my hands on myself? Because you can't use yours currently." He sensually crawled forward until his lips were a breath away from hers, teasing her with their proximity.

Something short circuited in her mind, and the words tumbled out before she could make sense of them. "You can use my mouth."

He chuckled, his breath mixing with hers, taunting her with a kiss she suddenly really wanted. A whisper of frustration that she couldn't move to get closer to him hisses through her teeth. "I will do no such thing yet. But I will be more than happy to play with myself in front of you." 

He grabbed some pillows from the head of the bed, creating a pile of them before he reclined in front of her, looking annoyingly comfortable and sure of himself. "So tell me what I should do to myself, my Sun. What do you wish you could do to me? Tell me very specifically, in detail, what you want me to do."

Oh. Oh. This was new. This was going to drive her mad with both embarrassment and desire. Having to voice her wants out loud and not being able to do it herself. It was like Nil sent an arrow into a glaring weakness in her armor. It was almost cruel. And the wicked glint in his eyes meant he knew he had struck true. 

When she got out of this harness and had control again, she was going to torment him. She was going to revel in it, in driving him insane until he begged. She wasn't sure she had wanted anything else more in her life.

He still sat quietly while she waged war with her own thoughts, looking at her expectantly with lust in his eyes. He had decided to allow her to be responsible for his pleasure even if she wasn't allowed to touch him.

"Undo your strider tail. Run your hands down from your face to your thighs. Go slowly." He complied, slowly pulling the tie from his hair and discarding it to his left. He settled lower into the pillows, his hair fanning out on them, one leg at an angle to the side, the other stretched out below her. He looked like the most exquisite Carjan feast, laid out before her while she starved. Both of his hands then started at below his jaw and slowly trailed over her collar bones. As his fingers passed over his nipples, she ordered him to stop. "Pinch and roll both of them."

He moaned as he did as ordered. His back arched into it and Aloy swore at being tied up out loud. Nil's squirming was both real and a show he was putting on for her at the same time. "Keep one hand playing with your chest, the other keep going down slowly."

The hand that creeped over his stomach traced the shapes of his muscles before toying with the top of his linen pants, his fingers flitting just under the waist band. "Pants. Off."

"You are very bossy for someone who is tied up." His voice came out raspy but amused.

"You are very compliant for someone who isn't. Now remove your trousers." Nil hummed in amusement. His thumbs slid into the waistband and slowly teased the fabric over his hips, his manhood popping out to stand at attention. Light glistened on the moisture beading at its tip, causing Aloy to swallow drily. The pants ended up being tossed over the side of the bed, and he returned to his original position, tugging at one nipple and the fingers of his other hand near his bouncing cock. "Trace the skin around yourself with your fingers, but don't touch it."

Huffs left him as he complied, ghosting his fingertips around his base and behind his balls. Soon enough, an occasional whine left his lungs, his body undulating as if looking for more stimulation. "Press that area behind your testes that you like so much."

"Aloy…please…" His breaths sped up as he did as instructed, his chest seeming to heave with effort as his fingers pressed in.

"Take the hand playing with your chest and slowly stroke yourself. Very slowly. Keep your other hand where it is." Her frustration was making her more bold than she usually would be. And maybe it was a good thing, because anything that might resemble intimacy usually sent her running to the hills in terror. Nil tying her up then teasing her to near insanity made her frustrated and angry instead of scared. He was a skilled tactician. She wouldn't put this being premeditated past him.

His forehead was scrunched up but his mouth slack. And he never looked away from her, kept drinking her features in as he pleasured himself in excruciatingly slow fashion. "Please let me come, Aloy," he whined.

"No. Keep going slowly. I want you insensate, writhing, before me."

"So bossy," he rasped as he took another slow pass. Aloy watched raptly as his back arched and his stomach sucked in, bringing his muscles into stark relief against his skin.

"Taste yourself. Then give me one."

It dragged a low moan out of him as he moved the fingers that were pressed on his perenium to his tip, swiping some of the glistening liquid off with two fingers. He took his time cleaning them off with his mouth and tongue, being suggestive about it the whole time. They left his mouth with pop before he collected more from himself. His other hand never stopped moving on himself as he sat up, then placed those same fingers in her waiting mouth.

She sucked on them with an intensity that surprised even herself, humming in enjoyment at his flavor and at his pained expression which was zeroed in on her mouth. Giving a lady swirl of her tongue, she let him fall back onto the pillows, his chest heaving.

"Sun…please…"

"Back to where your hand was before. This time you will massage it."

He did as ordered, only now he was insensate. It looked like he was holding back his release by sheer force of will, which allowed all the begging and whines and moans to come out from between his soft lips without a filter.

She loved it. And she wasn't even touching him, which was driving her near feral in her captivity.

" Please. I beg you. "

And a truly evil thought crossed her mind, but she logged it away for another time. Because he really did deserve his orgasm after all he had done to pleasure her lately, taking none for himself.

"Now. Let me see you come for me, my Shadow."

His face crumpled under the force of his orgasm, his mouth open but making no sound, his whole body drawn tight, arching up as his hips snapped forward into his hand, his spend going as high as his chest.

It was beautiful. He was beautiful, with his flushed face and chest, his hair in disarray, the beads of perspiration on his stomach, the way his body shuddered as he stroked until the end and then collapsed back onto the pillows.

And in that moment she realized…if he chose to stay in the Sundom…she would be fine, but she would be forever changed. He had marked her like a scar, or a burn, except deeper than skin, deeper than blood and bone. She would carry him with her everywhere, all the time. And it would ache. Just thinking about it ached.

She loved him. All-Mother help her, she loved him.

--------

I think I love you so what am I so afraid of

I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a love there is no cure for

I think I love you isn't that what life is made of

Though it worries me to say that I never felt this way

I don't know what I'm up against

I don't know what it's all about

I got so much to think about

Hey, I think I love you so what am I so afraid of

I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a love there is no cure for

~I Think I Love You by The Partridge Family

Chapter Text

They overslept the next day and were behind in departing. But without anything pressing calling for Aloy's attention, it really didn't matter. The striders were loaded with the gear, leaving only one to carry both of them to the Embrace. 

Nil had crafted a new chest harness for her to wear under her armor, along with the leg harnesses. Moving around to test their tightness out, she gave her approval and they mounted and started on their way, giving a short goodbye to Ligan. He was situated behind her, keeping his hands respectfully on her waist. That is, until they left the heavily inhabited area of the Jewel Estates. Once they passed a patrol, Nil reached into a pouch on his hip and pulled out two vials. Aloy remained quiet, but he could hear the questions bouncing around in her head. Not that he was going to tell her. Not yet.

A couple drops from one vial went onto his left pointer finger, a couple from the other on his right before he carefully tucked them away. He then worked his left hand down into her pants, finding her clit and rubbing the liquid over it. His right hand went up to her chest. He had ensured that she didn't wear her breast bindings, so he easily swiped his finger over both her areolas. Smirking, he pressed a kiss to her neck as she squirmed, then pulled his hands back out to rest back on her hips.

"You will feel it start shortly," he murmured into her ear. "Feel free to beg me when it gets overwhelming." 

She gave a small growl. "Is this more of the oil from last night?"

"No. They do add feeling, but not in the same way. You will find out shortly, my Sun." He couldn't help himself, with her sitting right in front of him, her back to his front, her hips pressed against his. He continued to pour attention to the exposed skin of her neck, nipping and kissing, sucking a couple of marks into her skin. Soon, he felt her fidgeting in front of him, and her breath came out in short pants. 

"It's…warm down there. And my chest is…cold?"

"Correct. These oils aren't too dissimilar from your different burn potions. The plant properties are harnessed for the sensation they place on the skin and less about their medicinal properties." Her hips began rocking unconsciously against the back of the Charger, seeking friction.

His hands remained gentlemanly, though his mouth didn't. Soon she was moaning wantonly in front of him, seemingly resolute in her desire to not beg. Being merciful also wasn't one of his strong suits and her torment was something that had him preening. 

Occasionally her hands would try to drift to assist herself, and he would quickly redirect them back to steering. Her temper steadily rose with each redirect, her huffs and growls growing louder and her movements more direct. He also knew that the oils wore out, and he was prepared to reapply them until she was crawling out of her skin when they stopped for the night.

They had made it to Daytower just before nightfall. He only had to reapply once, but she was spitting mad and a gorgeous sight to behold. Poor Captain Balahn had to field her hostility with confusion, Nil trying not to snicker at his bewilderment. Aloy bullied her way into getting them private quarters for the night and a warm meal, though the Captain gave him a suspicious glance.

"Word has already reached us of your…pardon, Amin Khane Khensu. You will not be harassed, but you will excuse us if we are a bit unsettled by your presence." With a sharp nod, the Captain departed, grumbling about grumpy Nora Saviors and the crazy that they brought to his outpost. Nil shrugged to himself before he felt Aloy grab his hand Ina crushing grip and drag him into the garrison, towards their appointed room. He was veritably tossed in before she entered behind him then pounced on him like a crazed Scrapper.

"All day, my Shadow. All day, I have suffered whatever it is you put on me, and not been allowed reprieve. You have teased me with kisses and nips, but no other touch." She punctuated her diatribe by tearing off articles of his clothing and he made no move to stop her, enjoying her aggression. "I have been patient. I have swallowed all the noises that tried to leak out of me as patrols and merchants passed by." His vest, pauldrons, and vambraces clanged loudly against the wooden floor as she tossed them carelessly away. She then shoved him up against the door and started in on his boots and greaves.

He knew he shouldn't be smiling. She was a Bellowback spitting acid right now, and he was in her line of fire. But even as she snarled at him, he couldn't bring himself to wipe the amusement from his face. She jerked his belt and pouches off and dropped it next to her. "I have resisted-," she quite literally ripped the ties to his pants and yanked them down to his ankles, leaving him bare and standing proudly to her heated gaze, "-hitting you out of frustration and need that are a direct result of your incessant teasing."

She stood back up and hooked a heel into the fallen cloth, and before he could step out of them, she jerked her foot behind her causing him to fall hard onto the floor. She then kicked his pants off to a far corner. Fingers wound into his hair and pulled his head back so that he was looking up at her. "A couple hours won't be the equivalent of the whole day, but we do need to rest, so you should thank your All-Mother damned Sun that our world is so dangerous."

He realized immediately what she was speaking of and why the belt and pouches hadn't been flung away. Why she, being the frustrated one, hadn't undressed also. Struggling to get away, he hissed at her. "You ceded. It's not tomorrow yet."

"I only ceded control for last night. We never fought for dominance this morning, so today was me allowing you to torture me. And I'm over it for the moment. And now it's your turn." She yanked him back into position brutally, and he couldn't give it in himself to resist, so he fell still and quiet. She knelt back down between his splayed legs and tugged the pouches closer, rifling through them until she found the one holding four vials. Each was marked with different colored waxes, red, blue, yellow, and black. "I am assuming the blue and red were your chosen weapons today?"

"Yes, my Sun." He sat limp like a child's doll against the door, his hands on the floor next to his naked thighs, watching as she pulled the red vial out first. Her thumb popped the cork and nimbly moved it to be held by her other fingers. A quick tilt and she covered the pad of her thumb then swiped it only at the bottom of his tip, ensuring that it made its way under the loose skin. The next vial made its way out, and the contents made their way to his nipples. 

Tucking the pouch away, she stood. "Now. You will not touch yourself, nor will you touch me. I'll even have mercy upon you and you don't have to wear clothes that rub on you." A low whine left him. That was no mercy at all. He could already feel them taking hold, a pleasant burn and the icy nip. Air, in its own way, made things worse. 

She began removing her armor, still tense and angry, her movements giving her away, placing it neatly on a table that seemed made for that purpose. Now that he had the time, and desperate to distract himself, he took in their accommodations. A double bed that they would be cramped in, an armor table, a large chest at the end of the bed, and a writing desk that had two steaming bowls of food on it.

When she was down to only the ropes on her skin, she gestured towards the food. "Get up and eat. Then we are going straight to bed. We can wash in the morning before we leave." A whine slithered out of him. Sleep? There would be no sleep at this rate. His erection throbbed and the warmth deepened with the increased blood flow. His nipples were peaked and sensitive as if being brushed by the breath of Aloy's All-Mother mountain. He stood and collected his bowl, sitting awkwardly on the small bed. It was a new situation to have enough coherence to not drop his food all over him as his length twitched insistently. 

Although she glared at him the whole time they ate in silence, the atmosphere wasn't hostile. It was more that she was annoyed and contemplative. When he finished his last bite, the bowl was snatched from his hands and placed with force back onto the writing desk, causing the inkwell to rattle a bit. Obediently, he went to lay down under the covers. The candles were blown out and she joined him. To his surprise she didn't avoid touching him. Instead she maneuvered him into laying on his back so she could snuggle up to him with her head on his shoulder, an arm thrown over his chest, and her leg over his thighs and brushing tantalizingly against him.

More torture then. A shaky sigh left him as he resigned himself to a fitful sleep, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as best he could. She was asleep in minutes, her breath puffing evenly across his chest, sending electricity through him as it dusted over his peaked nipples.  

An agonizing hour later, darkness took his consciousness, but not all the sensations still wracking his sensitive areas. His dreams were like those of when he was deeply studying the tomes of his Khane, joined with Aloy and filled with moans and gasps of approval. Of her fingers running over his chest, her nails scraping lightly down his stomachs. What he imagined it would feel being inside her wet heat, of her walls fluttering around him.

He woke with a startled gasp, quickly registering that there was wet heat around him. A strangled moan left him as it came to his attention that Aloy had him in her mouth, her tongue laving over him slowly. "A- ah- aloy… Shadows…," he stuttered out. His hand came to rest lightly on the back of her head, following her movements up and down. The sheets had been shoved off the bed, allowing him to crane his head to watch her taking him in and out, her hand following the movement. He swiped her hair aside so he could see and she wasn't fighting to get it out of her way. He fought to keep his hips still, heat pooling in him. It wasn't long before he was tapping her shoulder, letting her know he was about to come. She stubbornly remained wrapped around him and swallowed as he spilled into her mouth with a groan that pitched high as she kept moving on him.

He tapped her again. "Enough. Too much." She slowed then pulled off with a pop, smirking at him. He collapsed back onto the pillows.

"You were…insistently grinding into my rear this morning. And moaning. I figured I would take care of your problem as you behaved last night." His throat clicked as he dry swallowed, trying to piece his thoughts together, as he had no chance since waking up to do so.

"You are most benevolent, my Sun." He gently tugged on a braid, coaxing her to move up until she caged his body from above, her face even with his and her hair creating a curtain to block out the outside world and the reds and oranges staining the morning sky. He smiled softly up at her, unable to tamp down the sparks that were setting his emotions aflame. For months, since seeing her at Blazon Arch, he had been fighting off admitting that he loved her. That she didn't deserve the burden of a disgraced Carja's affections. That she deserved the freedom of not knowing. 

But here, now…

Sun, he loved her more than air. More than life.

The wound in his chest ripped open anew as he pulled her down and kissed her with every bit of his overflowing feelings. He was a dead man walking, and he was okay with that.

They were moving again quickly, though Aloy was tensing up the closer they got to her tribes' heart, the Embrace. He tried not to remember the blood he had spilt here, a trespass he didn't know he had been committing against her. Not that he had much control of himself at the time. He only remembered what had occurred here a half year after the fact. It was one the controlled releases before Cinnabar Sands had occurred. It had only been himself, Helis, and a handful of trusted and corrupted guards. It had been a smaller settlement, a handful of buildings, mostly storage.

The only thing that had been merciful was that they had died quickly. His other half was only interested in exterminating the enemy and watching the moment life left them. Like an assurance they wouldn't come back to hurt him. 

Nil shuddered and wrapped his arms fully around Aloy's torso, pulling her into a tight hug and burying his face into her neck. Her tenseness faded as a hand came up to caress a forearm.

"Are you okay, Nil?"

"I am…sorry for my role in what happened to your people." Her hand squeezed reassuringly and she brought the Charger to a stop.

"Nil…so much you didn't have a choice in. Even when you said you were present and not lost to your demons… I understand your reasoning. You would have had horrible things done to you for refusing and the people you would have killed outright would instead have been reduced to slaves, sacrifices, or…worse. You took their souls into yours and inked their blood into your flesh so that you could spare them as best you could. Not everyone can understand that kind of mercy, but I do."

His heart lurched painfully. Aloy carefully extricated herself from his arms and dismounted. They weren't far from inhabited settlements, but still in the woods. "I am going to go find a merchant who was always willing to trade with me and get you some Nora leathers. It will keep the questions to a minimum until we get very close. I won't ask you to hide your marks though. And I will be taking us as directly as I can to where we will be staying, then go and retrieve those who will help us."

He nodded his understanding, sitting mutely on the machine, the other two standing idly behind. She squeezed his thigh, then jogged off south, leaving him staring back at the Hunting Grounds she had left them near. It was a good spot to leave him alone, as the Hunting Grounds were frequented by Carja Hunters Lodge members. While she was gone, he maneuvered the three Chargers to the side of the road in case of foot traffic.

Minutes passed by slowly, and he caught sight of two Nora braves and panicked internally. They would have seen him and recognized him as Carja. The problem would be if they were seasoned and recognized him. And trying to hide himself now, while near tamed machines that clearly belonged to their Anointed and Seeker who wasn't present… He knew he looked suspicious and there was little he was going to be able to do except stall until Aloy came back. He tapped his Focus, contacting his huntress, and Aloy picked up. 

"Nil. Are you okay?"

"A couple of Braves are approaching. They've already spotted me as Carja. If they identify me, I will be in trouble."

She cursed in several different tribes' lingo, then heard her arguing with someone else. "Fine. Fine, All-Mother curse you, Karst. Take the damn Thunderjaw heart, and give me those and stop asking questions. Don't think I won't fleece you later for the kindness I just did for you." Rustling, then the sound of her breath as she began running. "Five minutes, Nil. I'll be there in five minutes. Try to just keep it to them questioning you. You're really good at non-answers. But defend yourself if you must."

He huffed and pouted. "I am not that good at non-answers. You just failed to ask the right questions."

A strained, amused chuckle. "It took me a whole year of digging and questioning to finally find out what your deal was."

"My king tied my tongue to the roof of my mouth. Apologies, huntress, for doing as my monarch told me." He was cut off from further bantering by the patrol calling out to him.

"Outlander! State your business! You trespass close to sacred Nora lands." Nil hissed and cut off the Focus call.

The two Braves, to his disappointment, were not young. It made sense due to Aloy's failed Proving and the attack by the Eclipse and sending people to Meridian. A male and female, though neither had their weapons pointed at him. "You are also with tamed machines-"

They caught full sight of his eyes and the markings beneath, and their bows were now knocked and pointed at him. "Where is the Anointed? What have you done to her?," the woman barked. Nil raised his hands in supplication.

"I am a companion of Aloy's. I fought with her in Meridian. She needed to run a quick errand-"

The man sneered and spat on the ground. "The Anointed wouldn't dare travel with the Hollow. Jiran's Reaper. You have her jewel also!" The make Brave moved forward aggressively, pulling his spear out. Nil dropped to his knees, continuing to hold his hands up.

"Please…you can hold me prisoner here for a few minutes and she will show. I mean you no harm." His actions drew the Brave up short, disbelief on his face.

"Uril, don't believe him. He owes our people his life for what he did. We should take him to Mother's Heart to answer to the High Matriarchs for his slaughter."

Nil knew only of Teb by name. But he had glimpsed Aloy's other friend and the War Chief in passing. "Then, if you must take me, please call Teb as my character witness. That is my only request if you want me to go quietly with you."

The man, Uril, looked back at his companion in surprise. She shrugged, at a loss. Uril looked back at Nil. "You know of Teb? The Stitcher?" There was a mocking tone in Uril's voice. It riled up Nil. Teb was a friend of Aloy, the only one that held faith in her before she became Seeker and Anointed. A friend who had waited for her to reappear for years, had made her armor in anticipation of her arrival. And they mocked him because he took on the duty of ensuring his tribemates stayed warm and protected?

The taste of anger on his tongue was bitter, but he swallowed it down for the sake of stalling. "I do. We met in Meridian before the battle. He helped stock me with supplies, as I was not allowed inside of the holy city until the fight was underway. He also helped me retrieve Aloy out from under some rubble that had collapsed on her."

Both the Braves scoffed. "Teb is a coward, even if he left the Sacred Lands to help. We were all surprised when he came back, no less telling tall tales of saving the Anointed," the woman responded.

Aloy was right. Teb deserved better than this bitter, petty clan. "He told the truth. Once she was out from under the stone, he ensured she was treated with medicine before letting her go."

"And you saw this? And why would we believe you anyways, Reaper?"

He had no answer to that. Because he hadn't watched it, and they honestly had every reason to not believe him. And if these two Braves' opinion of Teb was reflective of the greater Nora whole, there was no reason to hope that having him as a character witness was going to help Nil at all. For the first time, he understood Aloy's annoyance at being called Nora. Aloy was more than any single tribe. Her ideals were wider, more encompassing of all.

"You wouldn't believe me. I know that. It doesn't change the truth of it though. Please, honor my request to call on Teb, and I will go with you." He brought his wrists together in front of himself, hoping they would take it for the peaceful surrender it was. Uril sneered again, but put his spear away and pulled rope from his belt. The other Brave maneuvered so that she would continue having a clear shot at Nil without endangering her partner.

Uril bound Nil's hands much tighter than they should have been. He would lose feeling in minutes if he couldn't work them a little looser. The long end of the rope was given medium length to be a lead. Uril yanked savagely on Nil's hands, dragging him to standing. "Let's move."

Nil heard her sprinting and crashing through the woods, and the female brave moved her sighting to the trees. Aloy came skidding onto the road, an armor bundle looking ridiculous and awkward in her hands. Not giving the Braves time to react, she slapped the rope out of Uril's hands and quickly began untying Nil's hands, which were starting to tingle ominously.

"Anointed! What are you doing? Do you know who it is you travel with?! He killed whole villages during the Raids!" Uril pointed at him, daring to think Aloy wouldn’t have taken the time to figure out who he was. As expected, his huntress whirled on him and knocked his hand away from pointing at Nil, teeth bared in challenge.

“I know exactly who he is. I have been traveling with him for over a month. I have known him for over a year. The little encampment of Outcasts you stupidly choose to ignore instead of reintegrating into your dwindling population, was cleared of bandits by us. You owe him thanks for that, and for saving my life in Meridian. For technically saving all of your lives because he saved mine.” She was now pointing in Uril’s face, angrily stabbing her finger at him. The Brave stumbled backwards in surprise, a look between shock and anger growing on his face.

“That doesn’t excuse the lives he took!”

“ Then what about the lives he’s saved since? ” Aloy’s yelling bounced about the trees, seeming to echo out into the Embrace. She took a couple of seconds to recenter herself and calm down. “This man, Amin Khane Khensu, Nil, is under my protection. He travels with your Anointed ,” the title spat out of her mouth like venom, “as her partner and friend. I have seen his atonement for his crimes at the hands of the Carja. And I also know that he was coerced into the acts you speak of, against his will.”

Nil slowly stood and placed his hands on her arm. “Huntress, my Sun, please. They don’t need to know that. It will make no difference. I will go if I must. Carja justice is not Nora justice.” Aloy turned to him, sadness flooding her eyes. “Nora justice, for their own people, is harsh. For even trivial things like how one is born, for leaving to avenge a dead wife and child and daring to leave the Embrace to do it. Nora justice would only end in your death, Nil. I will not tolerate that. You’ve been through too much to die due to ignorance.” She turned back to the Braves. “I was hoping to pass through without this amount of… drama . But you will report on my approach whether I order you to or not. So. You will go to Sona directly. You will tell her I am here and I travel with a Carja into our Sacred Lands. But we will not set foot in a single settlement for everyone’s peace of mind. Have her send Varl and Teb west of Mother’s Watch, going up the mountain to the cliffs. She will know where I speak of.”

The male Brave gritted his teeth, but nodded. “I will do as you say, Anointed. ”

As the two Braves turned and sped towards the southern gates, Aloy shoved the bundle of armor into his arms. “Change quickly. It is unlikely they will speak with Sona first. Resh was supposed to be leaving, but I have my reservations that he followed through on that threat. If we’re lucky they will run to Lansra or Teersa first. Teersa will notify Sona, Varl, and Teb.”

Nil didn’t waste time trying to be modest and quickly stripped out of his Carjan armor and silks, slipping into the Nora leathers in the middle of the road. The pants were slightly too short, and the leather shirt was tight around his biceps and shoulders, but they otherwise fit alright. And it was noticeably warmer also. He would never admit that he had been getting steadily colder the further into Nora lands they got, but now he didn’t have to. He glanced up to see Aloy looking at him contemplatively. She turned to one of the Chargers carrying their packs and began digging around. “It’s here somewhere…”

He walked up next to her and packed his old armor away, out of sight. “What is it you are doing, my Sun?”

“I have to get you through the gates somehow. No other way will allow us to bring the Chargers. And we’ll have to go through the main gate now. This is going to be so sacrilegious but I’m beyond caring right now. Ah- ha !” She turned triumphantly with a small jar. “Nora’s marks represent female lineage. Or they have some for Seekers and Anointed. You are officially my partner and no one really explained if this is taboo or not, so I will be putting the Seeker’s marks on you.” She moved to stand in front of him, opening the jar carefully. “They will cover your Carjan tattoos. I know I said I wouldn’t do that, but we need to move fast. Are you okay with me doing this?”

He nodded. “I am yours, my Sun. To dress, undress, put makeup on…” He smiled saucily at her, happy to see her roll her eyes and smile exasperatedly. She said nothing more as she dipped her fingers into the jar and quickly swiped lines on the left side of his forehead and swiped a line under that eye. She then drew a line along the underside of his right eye and drew lines down the cheek. She recapped the jar and hid it away. “There. Seeker’s markings and your tattoos are masked for the moment. Let’s go.” She ran to their Charger and he followed close behind, easily jumping on behind her. They galloped back north, turning to the Main Gate within minutes. To his surprise, Aloy’s friend greeted them at the gate.

“Varl! We need to enter into the Sacred Lands. We won’t be going to any settlements. I am returning… home. ”

“Aloy! That’s fine. I was wondering when you would be coming back to the tribe! You left the party in Meridian very suddenly. This is…the man the Sun-King pardoned? Why is he wearing Seeker paint?”

Aloy gestured to be let in the gate. “I can explain later. There are two Braves who ran into us on the road and recognized Nil. And were not happy with him, with reason according to Nil. Is Resh still lurking about?” Varl looked taken aback.

“Just who is this man? And no, Resh isn’t. A large argument broke out after you left from saving us from the Eclipse. Lansra, Sona, Teersa, and Resh had it out in a public row about you and your place in the tribe. Jezza broke the tie, and Resh did not take it well. He packed his things and left out of this gate. No one has heard from him in months.” Varl shrugged. Murmurs from the battlements were starting to grow louder as other Braves stared down at them.

Aloy heaved a great sigh of relief in front of him, some tension leaking out. “So they are likely running for Lansra then. Again, I will explain some things later. But we need to get to the cliffs north and west of Mother’s Watch first. Sona will tell you where to go. Bring Teb with you.” Aloy kicked the Charger and they began trotting away through the gate. “See you this evening, Varl!”

Her friend gave a small wave as they pulled away, looking confused, but also happy. Once the walls of the battlement grew small, Aloy kicked the machines into a gallop, moving off the roads if she caught sight of any patrols or hunting parties. He hugged her tightly, feeling very out of his element and took in the sights of her home. The tall trees, rugged snow capped mountains, the sturdy wooden bridges and hunter blinds.

It took an hour of dodging people before they pulled up to a wooden gate. It wasn’t the height of the settlement walls he had seen, but just as well constructed. Aloy dismounted by motioned for him to remain so. She walked hesitantly to the gate doors and pulled them open, revealing a small cottage and several disintegrating Grazer targets. To their left is what appears to be a small stone monument that his Sun is studiously avoiding looking at. She gets the machines through the gate and closes it, before beginning to unpack the mounts. Sliding off, he came up behind her and pulled her into an embrace. “We don’t have to do this here, if it bothers you this much. We can go back to the estate.”

She shook her head. “Very few people know or care that this is here. Sona and Teersa are the only two I know of. And maybe whoever helped Sona set up Rost’s grave. It’s secluded and far away from people while having the benefit of protection from machines. I just…need a moment to process being back. It always takes me a moment." She pulled out of his grasp, but took his hand and pulled him towards the stone which he now recognized to be the grave she had spoken of. He didn't fight going with her and kneeled as she did in front of it.

"Hey Rost. It's me again." She paused and licked her lips as she gathered her thoughts. "Been a while, and a lot has happened. Last we spoke, I was heading up into the Cut. And I had been named Anointed. Even though I hated it, you would have been proud. I found more of my answers, saved the world. I visited my…mother, Rost. Elisabet Sobeck. I feel better having visited. She enlightened me to some things I've missed out on. And…and I know you would be mad at first, but I found someone to be with. They aren't Nora, as you had hoped for me. But they accept all of me, and I think you would forgive them for that." She squeezed his hand and he felt tears welling up. "His name is Nil. I've mentioned him to you before, but a lot changed after Meridian. He saved us all by finding me when I fell. By harassing the Deathbringer long enough for me to get my feet back under me. And now I've brought him here to help him." She seemed to want to say something else, tears tracking down her own cheeks, but chose not to. "I'll talk to you later, Rost."

She stood, but he stayed. Looking quizzically down at him, he smiled sadly up at her. "I would speak with him too, alone, if that is alright?" She nodded hesitantly, the beads clinking quietly in her hair before moving off to check the interior of their lodgings.

Nil turned to the grave and began speaking quietly. "I am probably the absolute last person you would want near your daughter, short of Jiran and Helis themselves. But she saved me. Saved me from myself, and I owe her every last bit of everything that makes me human and a man. I…love her. Have loved her, though it may seem only a short amount of time we have known one another. She is hard not to love. She is kind, bold, strong, merciful. You must have been a paragon of all that is good in the world to have raised her, molded her into who she is. The world owes you everything. And though I know you would likely rather I go find a dark hole to die in, I will instead try to walk in the footsteps you left behind, to be better than I was years ago, better than I was after Sunstone…better than I was even yesterday, an hour ago, a heartbeat ago. Just so I can deserve to be with her, to help in whatever way she requires. She told me your last words to her were to survive. I will instead tell her to live. So…thank you Rost. Thank you for saving a motherless child. Thank you for having the strength to endure the loss of your family to see the day she landed in your care." He reached forward and placed his finger tips on the stone, surprised to find it warm even though it was already cast in shadows from the surrounding trees. A gust of wind passed through the clearing and Nil liked to think it was Rost giving his hesitant approval. "May the Sun light your path, and chase away your shadows."

The sounds of Aloy moving about the cottage got him to head in and watch her as she checked a stack of corded wood out next to the center fire pit. Domesticity had never really appealed to him as it had always seemed out of reach, but watching Aloy pull furs and blankets out of a chest tugged at him. He didn't expect her to want the quiet life his family had, she still had much to do, and by the time she finished her work, she might not know what sitting still entailed. But it was a nice thought, to come back here to this hut, or to build one somewhere else cool and safe and just… exist with her.

He took a fur from her as she began shaking it out, and took it outside to begin beating any dust it might have out. The rest of the furs and blankets ended up piled at his feet before he realized what was happening. 

The sun was quickly disappearing by the time he was finished, and he was surprised to smell the scent of fresh roasting meat. He had removed his leather top, as repeatedly beating fabrics had proven to be warm work. He dragged them into the cottage to see Aloy rotating a couple of rabbits over the fire and some root vegetables she had set close to the coals. She turned to smile at him. "Thank you for helping. Gave me time to go get us dinner. Hopefully Varl and Teb will be by shortly."

The building was one moderately sized room. A large cooking fireplace with chimney occupied one side of the building, a large raised sleeping pallet against another wall with the chest that had held the bedding at its foot, a smaller sleeping pallet next to it, a wooden privacy screen that divided them, and several storage shelves and a table that looked like it had multiple purposes. Nil would have said that it was purely functional until he caught the firelight reflecting off of the support beams. He wandered over and brushed his fingers over one of the hundreds of intricate carvings. All machines and animals, with a smattering of vistas.

"Rost was a skilled carver."

Aloy gave a hum. "He was skilled at many things. He had to be. The carvings were something he did during heavy snows and rains, while we were trapped inside. Sitting idle annoyed him, and there are only so many chores and so much training to be done while inside. It kept him busy, but it also annoyed him because it served no purpose."

"Beauty had no purpose to him?" He admired a carving of a shock root bloom.

"Beauty doesn't put food in your belly, clothes on your back. It doesn't chop wood or protect you from machines. It distracts you, makes you focus on things that aren't important."

"But you are beautiful to look at, and you provide all those things. Cannot a thing have both form and function? Beautiful figures carved in wood, to entertain a child trapped inside, to leave her a home with memories permanently etched all around her, reminding her of the man who raised and loved her as best he could?" A gorgeous Strider caught his eye next.

He let her silence linger after his question, letting her digest it. “I never thought about it that way. Rost was always pragmatic and didn’t like wasting energy on anything that didn’t contribute to either training me or to surviving.” He turned his eyes away from a slightly inaccurate Thunderjaw to watch her pull the rabbits from over the fire and place them on a wooden platter. The roots were placed into a bowl and sprinkled with some salt and mashed.

She served their dinner in smaller bowls and gestured that they go sit outside. It was getting crisp outside, but the food kept them warm. Stars broken up by the occasional cloud twinkled overhead and owls hooted nearby. He noted that the moon was almost gone, going to its day-long sleep before it began to emerge once again. They ate quietly. The meal was plain, but that was to be expected.

The crunch of unhurried footsteps approached the southern gate. “That would hopefully be Varl and Teb.” Aloy placed her bowl down and stood, walking purposefully to the gate and opening it. Indeed it was both of the people she had expected. Teb rushed forward and gently placed his hands on her forearm. “Aloy! It is good to see you again! You caused quite a stir with the Braves and with Lansra. I didn’t realize your companion was so dangerous! I mean…I knew he was dangerous, but not because of his past!” Teb finally caught sight of Nil on the porch and abandoned his friend to approach him. “Aloy’s partner! I never caught your name. They used such a horrible nickname for you down in Mother’s Watch. I am honored that you would call for me to help you.”

Nil actually smiled warmly back. The Nora didn’t deserve Teb . He heard Aloy give a startled gasp at his expression. “You may call me Nil or Amin. They are not in the wrong for being…wary of me. But I have changed, and I did serve some time in prison for all the hurt I caused. And I am happy you came. I have something I would like to discuss with you, separate from Aloy having a request of you and…Varl is it?”

Aloy’s friend nodded his head as he and Aloy approached. “Yep. I never got to speak with you before or after. Aloy never mentioned you either, despite asking her about the people who showed up to help at the Alight.” Nil smirked as Varl shot Aloy an annoyed look.

“It wasn’t any of your business at the time, and…I may have been a bit busy setting up the defenses and ensuring everyone had what they needed. Announcing my business with a Carja hunter to everyone wasn’t high up on my list of priorities.” Varl just snorted goodnaturedly.

“So, Anointed ,” Aloy groaned at the playful lilt in Varl’s tone, “why have you summoned only the two of us to this abandoned corner of the Embrace?”

“I need you both to keep other people away from here for at least a week. I am helping Nil with something, and it requires that we be left alone. I know Lansra will press the issue due to Nil being an outlander inside the Embrace, but it’s not like he’s the first outsider to have been here either. I tried to keep his identity secret, but those two Braves ruined it for me.”

Varl and Teb nodded in acknowledgement. “We will try our best and warn you as best we can if we fail. Do you need us to bring you any supplies?,” Teb asked.

Aloy placed her fingers on her chin as she contemplated the question. “Yes. Some dried herbs and vegetables for cooking and some cords of wood. I would like to keep the wood chopping and gathering chores to a minimum and all the spices I have kept here were disposed of as I wasn’t sure when I was coming back.”

Varl nodded. “Then I will go and start getting those together.” Varl placed a hand on Aloy’s arm and smiled kindly at her. “I know my mother isn’t the most emotional person, but she was happy to hear that you came back. So was Teersa. Please try to go see them before you disappear again.”

Aloy shrugged. “I make no promises, but I will certainly try. I will have to get Nil out first beforehand though.”

Varl nodded, then turned, wandering back out of the gate. “I will drop off supplies at midday tomorrow. I will see you around, Teb!” He waved as he walked away.

Nil pulled Teb to the side, shooing Aloy away when she started towards them. “This is between me and Teb for now. Let me handle this.” She chewed on her lip worriedly before turning back into the cottage.

Teb looked up at him guilelessly. “And what is it you wish to speak to me about?”

“It is highly personal in nature, so you are free to leave the conversation at any time if you are uncomfortable discussing it. Do you understand?”

Teb, to Nil’s wonderment, assumed a sort of position of attention at the authoritative question. “I do, Nil.”

Taking a deep breath to steady himself, Nil began to explain everything . His sordid past, his Khane and parents, hetep, and what he hoped for in teaching the Nora man everything. Teb was smiling gently at him as he finally reached his real request. “I was hoping…you could take over my Khane for me. The tribe here sneers at you, Aloy says you are worth more than most here as a person. I can offer you a place where all will value you for what I can teach you, the protection of the Sun-King if any dare to frown upon you.”

“Nil, do you believe the Carja are the only ones to have such arts?”

Nil blinked in disbelief. “I…”

Teb chuckled. “I am sneered at because I do know of such things. And because I am…wasted on the Nora as you say. Our tribe venerates mothers and motherhood above all. As a male, I am expected to, at bare minimum, contribute my seed towards that goal. But I am not interested in women, and have desires and proclivities that fly in the face of my tribe. It is not anything that is taboo enough to cast me out, as I do provide a service they need, freeing up Braves to be our protection, but is enough for me to be shunned and looked down upon. We have something akin to hetep amongst us, though we have never used it to control those who are empty of compassion. It is an interesting use, to be sure. I would be honored to take your role. And to learn what you teach, as there may be much I don’t know. I wouldn’t take on your Khane though. I would like to leave it open for you, if you wish to come back. I will live there, and teach what you will have taught me. I will work with your uncle happily.”

Nil felt tears enter his eyes in relief. “Thank you. Thank you for being you. For being Aloy’s friend when she had none.” Nil gathered Teb’s hands in his own in gratitude. “Before you leave, I have one last ask of you. I have wooden dummies to help learning tying, but I need Aloy to learn to do them on a person. She will be making me cede soon, and I need her to do the ties safely and securely. If you would be so kind as to submit to roping, I will have her do them on you while I guide her. The usual applies. If at any time you become uncomfortable, you will be released, no questions asked. I have some silk shorts for you to change into, so she can see how the skin reacts. Otherwise, clothes remain on. If you are uncomfortable with that little clothing on, you can still wear your leathers.”

Teb shook his head goodnaturedly. “I will happily help you. Just give me the shorts and I will be inside as quick as I can.” Nil smiled and went into the cottage, pulling a pair of shorts out from his pack and letting Aloy know of the plans he had just made. All that needed to happen now was for her to tame his other side successfully.

Taking all the chances
Taking all the falls
I'll keep all the memories
I'll break down the walls
Time to hit the road
Time to hit the road
Thinking of all the journeys
Thinking of what comes next
Thinking of brighter days that lie ahead
Oh, let me soar
Oh, I want more

~The Road by Fouzia

Chapter Text

Aloy had been nervous ever since Nil had mentioned wanting to use Teb as a live doll, but her nerves had proven to be unnecessary. Teb joked around with Nil and made the whole process of learning what knots and ties the Carja hunter wanted enjoyable. He also had shown some knowledge already of what Nil had to teach and offered his own advice. It had also made it more comfortable for her to learn that Teb had never had any interest in her besides gratitude, respect, and an honest desire for friendship. She had never sneered at him, and still didn't upon learning his partner preferences. People love who they love. She wasn't one to talk, as she had fallen for the most infamous Carja in the land, even if nothing that happened was totally his fault.

As the night grew older, Teb grew more and more flustered with every touch from Nil, at every order he issued to both her and Teb. His answers became more meek and had grown quieter. Aloy was endeared at his attraction to Nil, surprised to find she felt no jealousy. Nil was perfectly professional the whole time, reassuring Aloy that there was no threat to their relationship.

It had taken a couple of hours for Nil to be satisfied with her work, and both her and Nil had labored to ensure Teb was well afterwards, fed, redressed, and all his fingers and toes accounted for. She had even offered to let him stay the night rather than walk back in the dark, but his cheeks pinked as he glanced shyly at Nil and declined. "I have work I need to finish up and I'm teaching a small group of children and teens stitching in the morning. I appreciate the offer of care though."

She hugged him close, taking the time to appreciate that she wasn't afraid to touch him at all. No apprehension flooded her, because Teb seemed to be the definition of safe despite not having a hunting bone in his body. Teb hesitated only a second before returning the hug. When Aloy drew back, and Nil stepped forward, the light blush erupted into a full face of red, causing Aloy to chuckle. 

"Thank you for your help tonight, Teb. We will be in contact before we leave again, to continue our discussion and finalize things." Aloy shot Nil a questioning glance. Had Teb accepted being a student already?

A squeak left Teb as Nil pat him kindly on the shoulder, and the Nora turned and ran out of the building, calling his goodbyes in a cracking high pitched voice over his shoulder. Aloy leaned over and whispered conspiratorially into Nil's ear, "I think he likes you."

Nil chuckled. "I think he likes me being in charge, not necessarily me . It would be to his everlasting disappointment that I am more like him than he would care for."

Aloy hummed in amusement, walking out to close and lock the gate. Upon her return to the cottage door, Nil swept her up into his arms, planting a kiss on her lips. It was the first instance of him kissing her that fell outside of them interacting through Nil's teaching, and it set her to swooning. Since they arrived at her childhood home, everything had been feeling oddly natural. And Nil staying behind to sit with Rost had set her chest to constricting painfully. She didn't know what to make of all the emotions wandering through her at the sight of Nil shirtless and doing something as bizarrely domestic as beating out bedding.

Sure, they had split chores while traveling, but anyone who was worth their own weight did that while on the road. And Nil's estate didn't elicit the same feeling, as everything had been taken care of by servants. 

Nil deposited her on the large fur and feather stuffed pallet, pulling away from the kiss to slowly pull her clothes off. "When would it be most beneficial to begin our…journey?," she asked.

He took his time answering as he finished divesting her off her clothing. "After Varl drops supplies off, assuming he is punctual. Gives us all night to deal with me. There is more than simply restraining me though. I held off on describing what will need to happen until it was just the two of us. If you are uncomfortable, you know to just say so." He planted another kiss on her lips, then trailed more across her cheek to behind her ear.

"And what could be so bad that you are warning me, after all we have already done?," she asked, her voice betraying her breathlessness. He was now straddling her hips, his knees on either side of her on the bed.

"I will be asking you to…sodomize me. I have a phallus for you to use. It will push me over the edge, to blacking out. Then you will be dealing with him . I will allow you to do this as much as necessary to try to talk him down, or to at least understand him. And I know it's a lot to ask. But it's the only way I know to bring him out. It's how he was always brought out, with the only exceptions being the Battle of the Alight, and the Sun Ring." He pressed his forehead to hers, his hands cupping her face. She could feel him shaking, as if she would deny him, turn him away in the one moment he had ever truly asked something of her.

It was terrifying, being asked to do something that had traumatized him so much, to be entrusted with his healing. To try to talk down a part of him that was nothing more than a scared child lashing out at anyone and anything because all they knew was pain, betrayal, and loss. She placed her hand on the back of his neck and pulled him the rest of the way for a kiss. "I will do it, Nil. I will suffer whatever vitriol he throws at me easily, knowing that you might come out whole. Was this something Vanasha had to do?"

Nil nodded mutely. "And you said it didn't go over well because she had no real investment?" Another nod.

"I'm so sorry, Nil. I do have an investment, and I hope it makes it work. And even if it doesn't, I don't care. I only care that I have you near." His trembling took over his whole body, and tears tracked down his cheeks slowly.

"I'm…I'm scared you will leave me after this. That I will say horrid things to you, that you won't find it worth the effort. And I am ready to accept that. No one wants to be with someone so damaged."

She huffed and grabbed his face forcing him to face her. "Look at me." His eyes did their best to remain averted. "Nil. Look. At. Me." He reluctantly turned his pale eyes to her, his dark lashes drawing their color out. "I already said I would do this. And I already said I don't care if it doesn't work. You are capable even with this…problem you have. You had to be if you were deemed safe enough to wander the Sundom. Understand? Avad nor Marad would have let you go if they felt you were a serious threat." She bumped her forehead against his, and let him contemplate her words in comfortable silence. His eyes slowly closed and some of the tension left his body, slumping slowly into her arms.

She looped her arms around his torso and held him close, her head against his chest and listening to the steady thumps of his heart and the now even measures of his breath. Nil hadn't always been unflappable, she'd seen him mad. But seeing him scared was new, and it threw her off kilter when she needed to be his center. After a few minutes she attempted to draw back, only for Nil to cling tighter to her.

"Nil, let go. We need to go to sleep. I'm certainly going to need it, if what needs to happen takes as long as you think it will." He groaned good-naturedly into her hair before climbing off of her. As soon as he was standing, she tugged the ties to his leather pants loose and pushed them down. She then moved back to the middle of the bed and pat next to her. He moved and curled up next to her, his back facing her front. After covering them with some blankets, she tugged his hair free of its strider tail and ran her fingers soothingly through the soft stands, scraping her nails lightly across his scalp until he was almost purring. The sounds slowly tapered off, his breathing slowing until he was finally asleep. It didn't take her long until she joined him in slumber, her dreams filled with Rost and Nil, without a single world disaster lurking over her head, no responsibilities to weigh her down.

She woke with a start. Dawn was beginning to leak colors into the sky and the air was the normal amount of noisy for the Embrace as winter drew close. Which is to say, rather quiet. So what had awoken her?

Her answer came in the distressed mumbling and twitching of Nil next to her. He was still facing away from her, lying on his side. In all the time they hadn't been separated from one another since Meridian, she had never observed him having dreams or nightmares except for the one night while at Sobeck Ranch. Not knowing how he would react if she woke him up, she carefully moved over him until she found his hands, then laced their fingers together before calling out to him.

"Nil." His eyelids fluttered, and some incoherent mutters. "Nil, wake up." She nudged his face with hers. She yelped, but didn't let go of his hands, as his head abruptly shot up and slammed into hers.

" No!, " he yelled as he scrambled to extricate himself. There was no recognition in his eyes, only naked fear, his dreams still gripping him even as he woke.

"Nil! It's okay. I'm here. You're safe!" He continued struggling, almost managing to throw her off. 

"You can't! I won't! Leave her alone! Please!" Cracks filled his voice as he cried out to someone that wasn't there. She managed to pin his hands better and kept calling to him. Slowly, the present began to filter into him and he began to stop his struggles. The tension, though not the terror, left him. "Aloy…Aloy… My Sun. You're here. You're safe." He squeezed her fingers reassuringly as he got his breathing under control. "You can let go now."

Reluctantly, she unwove their fingers only to have him yank her down into a bruising hug. If she stilled her breathing, she liked to think she could hear her ribs creaking from the pressure. He rolled them over so that he was over top of her, burying his face into her hair. He didn't speak about his dream and after hearing his relief at her being safe, she chose not to press for information. She moved her hand soothingly across his sides and what she could reach of his back as he drank in her presence to reassure himself. With a shuddering breath, he finally pulled back enough to look at her.

"I'm sorry about that, my Sun. I am…anxious about today. That anxiety bled into my dreams and painted them in darkness."

"No apologies. I told you to never apologize for needing comfort. Now, is there anything that takes a while that we need to start preparing this morning?" She pulled his head back down so that it was cradled in the crook of her neck. Her situated himself so he wasn't lying directly on top of her, his body snug against hers, his arm across her middle. His fingers traced light circles along her side. Lounging in bed was nice, and Nil didn't often do it, as he still religiously greeted the sunrise with his morning salutations. 

"Not particularly. We should eat a large lunch before we start and I'll have to go clean up some beforehand in the creek."

She snorted. "That is very cold water. I can heat some up if you'd rather that."

"No. And it is something I would prefer to do alone."

"I understand." She basked in the warmth between them, keeping an eye on how light the sky was growing. When it was more orange and yellow, she poked Nil in the side. "Your Sun is calling you outside."

"My Sun is right here in my arms." Aloy didn't bother to stifle her chuckle as he nuzzled his head under her chin, stranding together a series of kisses to her neck and collar bones.

"Of course, Nil. But I want you to stay as calm as possible and if your morning workouts help, you should go do them. And I will heat up some food for breakfast." She looked into his suddenly intense eyes, and saw that he was contemplating something both serious and appealing, punctuated by a growing, pulsing hardness on her thigh. He finally sighed and moved away from her, moping. 

"I will show restraint, though you make it difficult, my Sun." He slid on his leather pants and walked slowly out of the cottage, allowing her to enjoy the soft dawn light on his already warm colored skin. When the door closed behind him, she offered her own sigh to the morning air and got up, dressing leisurely into a plain set of leathers. The fire was stoked to a small flame and the remaining rabbit was tossed in a pot with the leftover root vegetables and water to make a soup. She hoped Varl came with some grains, as the garden here had gone fallow, and it wasn't a staple she and Rost had much of.

Nil re-enters the cottage right as their breakfast hits a simmer, his skin glistening as the sun strikes his damp skin. The blue Nora Seeker markings still stood proudly on his face, and Aloy couldn't decide if she liked them more than she missed seeing his tattoos. Seeing her visible ownership marked on his skin soothed a possessive animal she didn't know lived under her skin.

She continued her respectful staring as he walked over and sat heavily next to her on the furs spread before the fire. The scent of him washed over her, Carjan spices, citrus, and the smell of hard earned sweat. Wrangling thoughts of if he tasted as good as he smelled was difficult, especially as he smirked at her when he caught her openly staring. "Liking something you see, huntress?" She hummed noncommittally with a small smile.

"I might. But first we eat." She ladeled out their portions and they ate in silence. Once everything was cleaned up, Nil was back to looking anxious, his fingers twitching and his eyes incapable of resting in one spot for long. He flinched a bit as she laid her hand on his bicep. "We don't need to do this. You're fine as you are."

Nil swallowed and shook his head. "No. I do need it to happen. I don't…," he seemed to struggle to force words out, "I don't…want to have to be left behind. I want to go wherever you go. And I can't do that right now. The last two times I saw you in mortal danger, I lost it. Aloy, I could have killed so many people. And have shown no remorse for it until I came back to my senses. I know you have more to do, and that your life will be in danger again. I don't want to be a liability. I want to be your partner . I want to fight with you, next to you. I can't do that right now."

Aloy's chest constricted at desperation in his tone and on his face. "And you'd leave your Khane behind to be dissolved?"

"No. That's what I spoke to Teb about last night. He agreed to take over my role at the Estate. He will be cherished there, appreciated for what he can teach. He told me the Nora have something akin to hetep, and that he knows it, but because…he carries no interest in women, he is scorned here. You didn't hear those Braves as they mocked him in front of me." Aloy felt her anger flash up. Had Teb been dealing with this for a while? She wasn't very close to him, but he wasn't anyone she wanted to see mistreated just because of who he was. She had already bore that burden.

"Aren't the Carja no better?"

Nil shook his head. "The nobility aren't, but the common person isn't beholden to bloodlines. Teb will be fine, and with the Sun-King's blessing, no noble will dare speak ill or raise a finger against him. If there are others like Teb in the Nora that are brave enough to leave, they are free to stay at my estate until they can find a place for themselves."

This man. Teb was wasted on the Nora, Nil was wasted on the Carja. She leaned over and pressed a kiss to his temple. "Alright, Nil. Then you will need to walk me through what else is going to happen after lunch."

Nil grimaced, but stood and grabbed one of the many packs he brought with him. Out of it he pulled out a smooth, elongated metal piece, a little shorter than the length of her hand. One end was rounded, then widened in the middle, with the other end narrowing then flaring out. He handed it to her then pulled out a large vial with a yellow wax cap. "Once you have me tied up as we practiced last night, you will put that in me. It will likely trigger the blackout. And if for some reason that alone doesn't work, you will need to…," his face was flushed in what appeared to be shame and fear. "You will need to fuck me with it. And cannot comfort me. You cannot try to talk me out of it until he emerges. Be as rough as you need to be."

Aloy felt like she'd been slapped. Nil hadn't been crass at all in the whole time they'd known each other, so his use of the word fuck with respect to what they had been doing together shocked her. He had been warning her, and she had been taking those warnings lightly. And now she regretted not taking the time to consider his request with more gravity. It wouldn’t have stopped her from agreeing, simply prepared her better for this outcome. She nodded her understanding, trying to ignore Nil’s eyes pleading with her to run away and let him deal with it himself, but also pleading with her to stay and see this through with him. She gathered her scattered thoughts, and only smiled comfortingly at him.

“I will do and be whatever you need. Are there any suggestions in talking to him? What have Vanasha and Janeva tried that did or did not work?”

A ragged breath of relief exhaled from Nil. “Janeva tried appealing to his better nature. Turns out, he does not possess one. Vanasha…Vanasha just tried to bully him. She didn’t want to be doing what she was doing. And now that you know exactly what that is, you know why she dislikes me. A lot. She was ordered to do it by Marad and Avad, and she shouldn’t have had to do it. I owe her a lot of apologies on their behalf. Marad would have done it, except he’s especially volatile against men, as they were…” He stopped speaking, letting the silence fill in the blank.

“...Men were who violated him and you and your mother. I understand.”

“I might suggest just trying to talk with him. Simply ask what he wants. If…being angry is all that he feels.”

Aloy chewed her lip and thought back to her revelation that Nil’s split in psyche was due to coping with a loss of control. Of having no input on what happened with his life. She was going to be taking that control away forcibly again, despite his assurances of otherwise, and she didn’t know that it was going to help with dealing with him. But it was a good place to start before resorting to tested and failed tactics. “I have something I would like to try first before any of the other methods, but I will certainly try those before Vanasha’s.”

Nil smiled in relief. “I’m glad you have something new to try. Unfortunately I don’t have anything else to tell you. There are no more surprises besides what you encounter with him when he emerges."

Not very helpful, but she would take the information given and use it as best she could. "I now know what the yellow wax is for. What's the black wax for? I saw it in your pouch when I went into it last night."

Nil's face went redder than a winterberry. "That's for me. In case things escalate between us. It…it prevents my seed from quickening in you."

Aloy felt as if her face were on fire. That was not anything that had crossed her mind, and now she was infinitely grateful to Nil for stopping them at Sobeck Ranch. She had a lot to do still, having a child was a burden she couldn't afford. "That's…uh…that's good to know and have."

"I was going to tell you about it before we did anything. I don't know your thoughts on children, but I assumed it was not anything you wanted. At least not in the near future." His hand rubbed his neck in discomfort, his flush extending down it. "It takes a couple days to work if you…if I…spend myself a few times, a week if I don't, and it has to be taken daily to maintain effectiveness. I took some at the Estate, before we arrived at Daytower, and last night right before Teb came in to help us."

She then remembered Ligan's look and reaction when Nil had her request any missing potions from the original collection he took. And it made a lot more sense now. Ligan had maybe thought that Nil was just doing his due diligence in researching hetep, but asking for that particular potion had brought her into focus. Nil had no need of it unless there was a female involved. "Well, I certainly shocked your Uncle then, right after we showed up on his doorstep."

Nil chuckled. "He would have found out as soon as I requested we room together. And it's not like we were quiet."

She gave an amused, long suffering sigh. "You are correct. I was quite loud. And the senza oil didn't help."

Nil snorted. "I would have had you singing loud enough for the great Sun-King in Meridian to know your verses by the end of the night, even without the oil."

She swatted his shoulder playfully. "Go bathe at least before Varl gets here. And I'll go get something small to cook for lunch." Nil groaned but stood up and collected some soap and a cloth. Collecting her bow and some arrows, she kissed him as they parted at the gate.

Lunch was a silent affair, and Varl had come and gone with supplies. Nil had excused himself while she put everything away, telling her he had to relieve himself and that she should do so when she finished. He had taken a pack with him when he left and she assumed maybe it was to have a quick bath after. She had done everything, and noticed that Nil wasn't back yet so began sitting out everything she knew they would be using after he got back.

Her stomach writhed in nervousness. She wanted this to work with every scrap of her soul. His spoken desire to go with her and arranging for Teb to take over made her hope more than she should, but she couldn't help it. She checked and rechecked everything, even the small knife she had found in Nil's armored vest that she knew was for the explicit purpose of cutting ropes free. If she had to cut him free, she would, even if it meant unleashing the demon that lived inside him. Even if it made him unforgivably angry at her. She didn't want to hurt him. She also didn't want to hurt the scared soul that only came out in his defense.

The door opened and Nil walked in, his skin now pale with what she assumed was nerves. She had cleared the middle of the room as best she could and piled all the furs she had onto the floor. He would be kneeling for who knew how long, and she wanted to offer what little comfort she could. He collapsed bonelessly at her feet on the furs, wrapping his hands around her knee and resting his head on her thigh.

"Alright, my Sun. Let us begin. Remember, no comforting me. If I beg, don't listen to me, though I don't expect I will. Only let me out if this side of me is present. Do whatever you need to do, I trust you."

The tiredness and surrender in his voice sprung tears in her eyes. She combed her fingers through his hair. "Very well. Strip the rest of the way, Nil." With a shaky breath, he rose and peeled off his trousers, folding them and putting them away before standing naked before her. "On your knees."

He dropped immediately. She started with the Penitent leg binds, feeling they were the least threatening to him. After they were done, she slowly worked at binding his arms behind him and to his chest, feeling him grow more tense as the minutes ticked by. Per his instructions, she offered no words to soothe him, no comforting touches, and she quailed as he began to hyperventilate. Barely audible sounds of distress floated out of him as she finished the last knot on the chest harness.

The final bind would force him to lean forward, making him unable to sit upright. Sweat quickly slicked across his skin as she brought the rope ends from behind him, over his shoulders, and secured them to ropes around his thighs and calves. His eyes showed he was completely lost to terrible memories, with no recollection of the present. How he had managed in Meridian long enough for her to offer back his name, she didn't know. It was likely he just chose not to fight his terror this time, surrendering to it.

Looking at the metal phallus, she frowned. She didn't want to use it if she didn't have to. He had said the threat of it used to bring out his other self. So she would threaten first, but without words. If only men had abused him, it was possible her voice would throw the process off. She walked behind him, out of sight, and picked up the yellow wax vial. Coating her hand in the extremely slick oil and picking up the phallus, she walked to his back and kneeled behind him.

It was not lost on her, that Nil knew what he had asked of her was huge. To simulate what many men had done to him as a young boy and teen until he figured out how to fool them. To put her in this role and potentially have him look at her in fear or rage, to make him submit to his worst fears at her hands. With a shaky breath, she pressed a finger against him.

She knew the instant it wasn't her Nil anymore. His gasping panicked breaths and quaking limbs all stopped suddenly and he became eerily still. A Stalker waiting to strike. She pulled her hand away. His head slowly turned towards her, his now flat, dead silver eyes locking her in place. 

During Meridian, she had been too panicked to appreciate how horrifying his eyes had been while possessed. They were reminiscent of Helis's, except they lacked the zeal. This was looking at death and rage incarnate. "Huntress. Strange to see that it is you who has trussed me up like an animal for slaughter. Is he so stupid to have asked this of you, or have you finally betrayed us? Sunk the proverbial knife as it were." His eyes grazed over the metal plug that was just within his sight, his pupils narrowing at the sight of it, a growl rising in his throat. She swallowed her fear and moved towards his front, not getting within arms range even if he was tied up.

“He asked me to do this. To speak with you. And I wanted to do it.” He gazed at her almost lazily, his eyes half-lidded but missing nothing. He tugged at his bonds experimentally and then sat still.

“I see he has been teaching you that garbage his parents taught him. You would think he would keep away considering how it has been weaponized against us.”

“It isn’t garbage. It helps people. But as with many things in the world, it can be harmful also. I am glad we are finally able to speak. Our encounter was brief in Meridian Village.” He stared blankly at her, uncaring.

“I should have killed you in the Sun Ring. Or in Meridian Village. Reopened that pretty scar on your neck to spill your life into the dirt. Then I would not be here, subject to your questioning and whims, dull they might be. The Asp was more fun than you are. At least she was less interested in talking. Almost all of them were less interested in talking except Janeva. I suppose I am not going anywhere, so ask your questions, huntress. I doubt you will get the answers you are looking for, nor the ending.”

She frowned. “Very well. You come out and protect Amin every time he’s in distress. His distress is usually tied to not having any control over his situation, much like tying him up here and threatening to make him suffer his greatest terror. Or when his mother was abused and killed." A snarl crossed his face, quick as a blaze flash, and was then gone. "I am not Carja nor male. I am not a threat to you. What would you do if I let you free?"

His eyes slow blinked at her in a semblance of surprise. "I am fairly sure I would be rid of you, huntress. I have already said that. And at some point I would need to rest and the simpering, weak one would emerge once again and cry about what was necessary. His emotional attachment to you scrapes like a dull knife across bone."

"And if I said I would give you control over my body? In the way others took control of yours? What would you do then?" This time the blaze was in his eyes. She couldn't tell if it was excitement or shock or disbelief. But it was the first hint of something other than apathy to enter those flat eyes. The first sign of life.

"I think I would not be as gentle with you as he has been."

She glared at him. "I am not fragile. As long as you do not break any bones or outright kill me, I can take it."

"Oh, little Kit, I can grievously wound you without leaving a mark on your pale body. You of all people know that the worst wounds are those that cannot be seen, lurking beneath the skin, beneath bones, filling your lungs, squeezing your organs, making you fall asleep only to never wake again. If you wish to strike this kind of bargain with the Great Shadow, you will need to be more explicit in your terms. This single instance is the only kindness I will offer you if you go down this dark road. Because you will be hurt."

"You possess the same honor? You keep your word?"

He gave a loud, cold laugh. "No one has bothered to test the theory. You will have to see. Maybe I do. Maybe I do not. Maybe I will immediately snap your neck like an old rotted tree branch, maybe I beat you senseless, or maybe I will pin you down and take brutally from you what has been taken from me so many times. Maybe I will make you scream and cry and beg with the knowledge that there is no reprieve at the end." That sharpness stayed in his eyes as they began roving over her form. It was almost clinical, yet wasn't. Her mouth grew dry, as she couldn't believe she was about to do this. But nothing else had worked. They had tried for two years while he was imprisoned to heal him. Now it was her turn. She only hoped Nil would forgive her, regardless of the outcome.

She stood and slowly began taking her clothes off, maintaining eye contact with him the whole time. His expression slowly darkened at her implied challenge, baring his teeth at her, his muscles growing taut and causing the ropes on him to strain. "My terms are as follows. You will not kill me. You will not blind me. You will not deafen me or cause any dismemberment. You can say whatever you want to me, pretend I am whoever you need me to be. My body will be yours to use as you please otherwise. If it helps, I will fight you the whole time."

An audible growl came from him. He looked like a snake coiled to strike, violence trembling in every muscle, leaking out of every pore. He looked eager . "Is there anything you absolutely disagree with in this arrangement?"

"Little Kit, you still leave me too much leeway. I agree to your terms." His voice slid over her skin like machine oil, tacky yet slick, leaving an uncomfortable residue on it. "Feel free to fight me about it. It will make it sweeter when you cry." She saw his eyes catch on the small knife as she set it and her clothes to the side. All the weapons had been hidden while Nil had been gone, except that one knife. They both locked eyes and she smiled at him. "You won't be needing that. I'll make sure of it."

He frowned warily but said nothing. She cut the ropes forcing him to lean forward first, then the binds on his legs. Before she cut the chest harness, she positioned herself between him and the fire. It was quickest she'd ever slashed open ropes before she turned and threw the knife deep into the flames of the fire that was still going strong. She turned right as he stood, uncoiling himself from his kneeling position, towering over her. "That only delayed things, Little Kit."

His fingers went into her hair and yanked her into standing before him. He used his grip to position her against the hard planes on his body. She wrapped her hands around his wrist in a bid to free her locks. He hadn't been bluffing and it caught her a little off guard. "You had better struggle, or I will make it worse, Nora. You offered and I accepted."

Her response was a gut punch with everything she had. She felt his breath whoosh out across her forehead, but not as much as she had hoped for. His fingers did relax in her hair and she took the opportunity to pull herself out of his grasp, still painfully leaving a few stands in his grasp. She followed with a straight punch at his face, which he dodged artfully, an eager grin on his face. "There we are. The famed red haired savage, more animal than human."

She hissed as he feinted a grapple to her leg, her hand shooting down to block his grab. He caught her wrist and flung her across the room, her shins barking angrily on the pallet frame.

There was no time to even think before he was on her again, grabbing her wrist and twisting her arm roughly to her mid back, drawing a yell of pain from her. "Nil!"

He tutted in her ear. "Begging for me to stop so soon? We have barely started this dance and you whimper so soon."

Clenching her jaw for the pain, she drew a leg up and slammed her heel into the arch of his foot. He grunted and again his grip failed him. She fell forward onto the bed, rolled to her back and kicked him in the chest, making him shuffle back to the middle of the room. "Not begging now am I, Amin . Are you such a poor fighter that you can't subdue me? Should I subdue you instead?" She got up and they circled the furs on the floor. He moved supplely, every movement accounted for. It was…nice to look at. Distracting, even.

In the span of a blink of the eye, he shot for her leg, and pulled up, causing her to crash backwards, half on the furs, half on the wood floor. She struck at his hip with her other leg, but he caught it and dragged her all the way onto the furs. He dropped to his knees and attempted to grab her wrists but she flailed enough that he was having difficulty. Hand to hand combat was not something Rost had gone very in depth with, wanting her to drop her enemies from afar. She did well enough, but Nil had a lifetime of such training.

On one flail, though her nails were kept short, she scored him across the chest, drawing blood. It caused her to hesitate in horror that she had hurt him but instead of using her hesitation to grab her wrists, he slapped her hard across the face. Stunned that he had struck her, she was unprepared as his hand snaked around her neck. She tried to pull his hand away, but his other made quick work of gathering her wrists and pinning them above her head. She could feel that he had gotten hard during their scuffle, his length pressing against her curls. And it was strange for her to admit, but she felt her body reacting to all of this violence eagerly.

Fingers squeezed along her neck and her breathing became more labored. She was fairly immobilized, so she did the only thing she could do and rolled her hips up against his. His whole body froze up and he glanced down between them in confusion. She smirked and rolled them again, enjoying the flustered groan he gave at the friction. "What…?"

She quickly locked her ankles behind him and continued to ground against him. "They took their pleasure from your body and gave you nothing," she rasped, drawing his dumbstruck and slightly irritated attention to her, "So, Amin, take your pleasure from mine."

He grimaced at her but she could see that the more she rocked, the more his resolve began to crumble. Soon he was meeting her thrust for thrust, sliding against her wet folds, his pants having a desperate sound to them. His grip on her neck loosened, then his hand began to wander over her collarbones and across her breasts. “ Fuck, ” he whispered roughly, “I don’t get to see or feel when he does this…when we… ?”

She gently tugged her hands free, amazed that he was allowing it. Cupping his face in her palms so she could see his eyes, he looked lost and a bit apprehensive. “The word you are looking for is I , Amin.” He eyes fluttered closed and he hissed as she pressed harder against him. “Say it, Amin.”

“Uhn… I. When I do this with you.” She pulled him down into a violent kiss, delighted at his admission. He returned it, biting into her lip and drawing blood, clacking his teeth against hers, as if he wanted to consume her whole. His thrusts grew longer, a few times his length threatened to breach her. And due to his mention that he had already taken three doses and they had brought him to completion twice, she was not afraid. She broke their kiss and touched their foreheads together. “Look me in the eyes, Amin.”

“Ah, Little Kit. What are you doing to me? What is this feeling?” He met her gaze.

“This is called pleasure, Amin. You taught me this.” His eyes went unfocused, seeming to search internally for memories.

“I…taught you this,” He murmured. “I…taught you hetep. I…traveled with you to Sobeck Ranch. Sun…I remember.” His eyes refocused on her, warmth and wonder now flooding them. “ Aloy .”

On his next thrust, she altered the angle of her hips and slid into her in a smooth stroke. They both froze and she almost came apart simply at the fullness of him in her. He had barely entered her with one finger before, and now he was buried completely in her. The difference in sensation was indescribable. The best she could come up with was that she felt complete. He was panting at his own sensations, looking like he was trying to center himself, regain control. “My Sun…what… ahn… ”

“ Take me, Nil. You’re here, you’re back. Now take me.” Just sitting still, feeling him occasionally twitch inside her was driving her insane. He nodded and leaned forward completely on his elbows and began to slowly move his hips, his length dragging deliciously inside of her. Her hands rested on his shoulders and he began to rain light kisses down the column of her throat, occasionally throwing in a sharp nip in contrast. Moans escaped her every time their hips met, and she was actually beginning to get annoyed that he wasn’t being more rough with her after the whole being tossed around. Grabbing some of his hair, she pulled him away from his worship. “I said take, not worship. You asked me to fuck you if I had to, and I will if you don’t start using that beautiful muscled body to its full potential.” As she hoped, the sharpness that didn’t belong to the Nil she had been traveling with, appeared in his gaze. And that was when she was sure she had succeeded.

“As my Sun commands me,” he growled. The tempo he set was a powerful thrust in that sent her thoughts scattering, and a slow torturous withdrawl that had her ready to tear into him. She kept her grip tight on his hair, encouraging him to be as rough as he needed to be and as she wanted him to be. Using her legs, she urged him faster, the sounds of panting and skin striking filling the cottage. The familiar coiling in her belly slowly began to crest and she could tell Nil was close based off of his increasingly strained sighs. “I won’t last much longer, so please tell me you’re close.”

She didn’t answer, but she did get him to cant his hips so that he brushed just right against her as he moved and soon she felt her face begin to crumble and her muscles tense as her release seized control over her body. As it finally crested, she had no ability to stop the words as they rushed out of her and as he followed her over the edge. “I love you.”

He grabbed her and rolled them over so she was on top, not allowing them to become unjoined. The aftershocks of his release had him spasming under her and she could feel the warmth of his spend inside her as her own twitches died down. One arm wrapped around her shoulders and the other buried itself in her hair. His mouth pressed up against her ear and he breathed reverently into it, “I love you too. I have loved you, but I didn’t want to scare you away. You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.” She could hear tears beginning to crack his voice, feel them wet her face from where his cheek pressed against hers. “I don’t know that I will ever be able to express how thankful I am to you. But if you will let me, I will show it to you at every opportunity."

She pulled back to see his watery smile. "Also, my Sun, what were you thinking setting me free? Are you crazy?"

She frowned, but didn't dispute his accusation. "Many people think I'm a bit addled, but what I've done has worked so far," she mumbled, looking away with a blush.

He hummed then kissed her cheek. "I'll punish you later, Little Kit." The toothy smile she knew he was grinning pressed against her skin, and she shivered in anticipation. "But we can take all night to get to know one another even better. "

She liked this new facet of him, the feral hunger he possessed. It was a nice balance to how sweet and deferential he could be. Traveling with him might end up being a slower affair than anticipated, but woe to anyone and anything that stood between them.

"I look forward to it, my Shadow."