Actions

Work Header

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Category:
Fandoms:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
English
Series:
Part 1 of Queen's Crack Fic Camp
Collections:
Laurel's Favourite Fiction, Shy’s version of the Library of Alexandria
Stats:
Published:
2022-04-28
Words:
2,034
Chapters:
1/1
Comments:
353
Kudos:
5,846
Bookmarks:
1,115
Hits:
46,501

The Actual Deity of Agriculture

Summary:

“True,” muttered Demeter. “No appreciation of agriculture.”

Kronos stopped, turning his head very slowly to Demeter.

“No appreciation for-“ he seemed baffled. “I am literally the Titan of Agriculture. You inherited Agriculture from me.”

Notes:

Lol, I hope you guys enjoy the chaos inspired by my tumblr

Come yell at me on my tumblr: @Percabeth4Life
Come chat with me on discord
Come check out my writer's discord

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“Hades,” Kronos growled. “I hope you and the ladies have come to pledge your allegiance.”

“I’m afraid not.” Hades sighed. “My son here convinced me that perhaps I should prioritize my list of enemies.” He glanced at me with distaste. “As much as I dislike certain upstart demigods, it would not do for Olympus to fall. I would miss bickering with my siblings. And if there is one thing we agree on – it is that you were a TERRIBLE father.”

“True,” muttered Demeter. “No appreciation of agriculture.”

Kronos stopped, turning his head very slowly to Demeter.

“No appreciation for-“ he seemed baffled. “I am literally the Titan of Agriculture. You inherited Agriculture from me.”

“No appreciation!” Demeter insisted. “I’ve done more for agriculture than you ever did!”

Kronos actually lowered his scythe, seeming absolutely dumbfounded.

“Okay. Actually. Fuck this.”

He turned and started walking away.

“What-“ I muttered.

“Running away!?” Demeter called after him.

“Sorry, I don’t have respect for agriculture?” He threw a sneer back. “I can see how well you’re doing. How’s that monoculture doing for you? Oh yes, amazing. Okay, darling daughter. You have fun with that.”

“Oh no,” Hades muttered.

“How dare you!” Demeter cried. “I can’t control what the mortals do!”

“Yes, and you’re doing a grand job fixing it. But very well, if you all want to forget I rule time in part because I rule agriculture, go right on ahead. You can handle this. I’ll just let the harvest fail.”

“It won’t fail, I’m here! And I’m a far better Agriculture God than you.”

“Yes, that’s why agriculture is going the way it is right now. Because you’re good at it.”

“Why you little-“

Kronos was no longer walking away, instead he was glaring right at Demeter. The two looked ready to throw hands at each other over Agriculture.

“What,” I said again.

“This is Poseidon and Kronos all over again,” Hades muttered.

“What?” I said, a third time.

“Poseidon and Kronos used to pause fights mid battle over who looked better, because Poseidon once insisted that he was better looking, and Kronos pointed out he’s literally a carbon copy of Kronos, and Poseidon insisted that the green eyes made him look better.”

I blinked very slowly.

“It’s that but agriculture.”

“Maybe they’ll stop?”

Thalia had a phone out, “I hope they don’t, this is hilarious.”

“Thalia,” I groaned.

“Oh come on, I mean look at this, this is amazing-“

“Are you live streaming?”

“Yeah!”

Annabeth snorted, leaning over to look over her shoulder.

“Wow, you have a lot of followers.”

“I normally do educational videos on hunting and tracking and stuff, but like- this works too.”

“It’s getting a lot of views,” Annabeth said.

“Going viral,” Thalia cheered. “Someone go egg them on.”

I considered for a moment, then decided I was the least likely to die for doing so.

“You know,” I called, waltzing up to the arguing pair. “There are barely any plants in New York. That seems like an example of a failure of nature and agriculture.”

I had no idea if that had anything to do with agriculture, but that was not the point at the moment.

“What!?” Kronos said. “When you say barely any-“

“There’s central park,” I said. “And a few odd parks. But the only bit near my home are window gardens.”

“That’s a crime,” Kronos insisted. “Seriously, nature is sacred-“

“You don’t get to talk!”

“And why not?” He snapped, turning to her.

“You ate your own kids, how dare you speak about anything being sacred! If you can’t treat your own kids right-“

That seemed like an excellent opportunity to make things escalate so I absolutely did so immediately.

“Well, are you really one to talk either?” I asked. “I mean, Thalia’s dad voted on whether to kill her or not. And Hades told Nico he wished he’d died instead of Bianca.”

“They did what?” Kronos asked, offense radiating from him. “Children are sacred!”

I resisted the urge to point out his hypocrisy, Demeter did not.

“YOU DON’T GET TO TALK!”

“I had taken leave of my senses at the time, not the point. The point is, you are clearly failing as a parent.”

I glanced at Thalia who gave me a thumbs up, Annabeth had her face in her hands.

“Maybe we should move this someplace else?” Hades asked. “It appears the mortals are waking up.”

We all paused, turning to look at the mortals.

That seemed like a mess.

OO OO OO OO

Approximately ten minutes later we’d reconvened at the hearth on Olympus and the fight had resumed with a lovely question from Thalia.

“Hey who does Hyperion fall under then? I mean he is a tree right now.”

Kronos and Demeter both insisted that was their realm.

“This is great,” Thalia whispered. “Top rating right now.”

“What are they even seeing?” I muttered. “Mortals can’t???”

“No idea! But it’s clearly good!”

“Have some cereal,” Demeter insists, breaking off the argument to make all the kids sit and eat cereal. “You’re growing children.”

“Thank you,” I said politely, my stomach growling. I really was hungry.

“Do you even get fed?” Kronos wondered. “You’re so small for your age. Isn’t that caused by not eating enough?”

“I ate plenty!” I insisted quickly.

Everyone squinted at me.

OO OO OO OO

I wasn’t sure how Gabe came into the conversation but suddenly they were all very aware of him and the fact that he sucked.

Kronos had started arguing with Demeter over parenting kids, with me as the focus.

“Wait,” I said. “I’m hardly the only one here with bad parents!”

Lots of demigods nodded at the mention.

“That’s true,” Annabeth said. “Most demigods have shitty parents.”

“Raise your hand if your parents suck,” Demeter said, eyes narrowing.

Several demigods raised their hands, several more quickly looked someplace else.

“… I’m your mom now,” Demeter declared.

“Absolutely not,” Kronos said. “I’m their dad.”

“You’re their shitty grandad!”

“I’m an excellent parent! You all just sucked as kids!”

It was right then that the rest of the Gods stormed in, only to find the demigods sitting eating cereal and Kronos and Demeter in a screaming match about whether Kronos eating them was bad parenting or not.

“What?” Poseidon said.

“What’s going on?” Zeus asked.

“You!” Kronos said. “You suck as parents, your kids are mine now.”

“You literally sicced a pit scorpion on my son,” Poseidon countered immediately.

“He ate you,” Zeus added.

“That too.”

“I never sent any pit scorpion.”

“I have a scar,” I said helpfully, widening my eyes just so. “And nearly died. It hurt a lot. Are you saying I imagined that?”

Kronos stared at me for a moment.

“I would never dare, Luke acted without my orders, shame on him, I’m terribly sorry you got hurt never should’ve happened.”

“That’s bullshit,” Poseidon countered.

“Prove it.”

“I mean,” Thalia chimed in. “We still haven’t talked about Hades saying he wished Nico had died.”

“You’re right,” Kronos said, turning to look at Hades.

Nico apparently decided he’d stayed quiet long enough because he cheerfully chimed in, “Demeter was there too! Didn’t say anything!”

“That disqualifies you automatically,” Kronos declared grandly.

“What!? That wasn’t- I was distracted-“

“Hades also tricked Nico! Made him trick and lie to me! It really made me mad, I even hurt Nico cause of him. I just- really hits me in the major Bad Step-Dad induced trust issues, you know?”

“I’m sorry!” Nico cried, turning tearful eyes to me. “I didn’t want to trick you, I just really wanted to know about my mom and he said that was the only way he’d tell me-“

“I would’ve helped you if you’d told me,” I said earnestly. “You don’t have to lie to me, Nico.”

“I won’t do it again,” Nico swore. “I promise.”

“Well, as long as it doesn’t happen again,” I decided.

“I’m restarting the war,” Kronos said, glaring at Hades.

“What if I said I feel bad now?” Hades squeaked, stepping back.

“I was distracted!” Demeter continued to insist. “You cannot hold me responsible!”

“I absolutely can!”

“For those that don’t rule time,” Thalia chimed in. “I’d like to point out the incident happened a week ago.”

Hades and Demeter flinched when Kronos turned his eyes to them.

“Wait hang on,” Hera said. “You don’t get to talk-“

“Oh, and Hera said that Nico wasn’t family,” I added.

“I’m disowning all of you,” Kronos said. “And adopting the kids.”

“This is bs!” Poseidon cried.

“Sorry, were you there while your kid grew up?”

“No! But that’s because-“

“You don’t get to talk.”

“YOU ATE US!”

“Did I mention the child endangerment I faced?” I asked sweetly. “During the abuse and all. No one watched me most of the time cause mom had to work and Gabe didn’t want to.”

My dad gaped at me, “You were twelve!”

“He was twelve!”

“Technically I was doing that from the age of four to twelve.”

“Four!”

“You literally ate your kids,” Poseidon cried.

“Get over that, it happened forever ago, you need to let it go.”

“Let it go-“

“And anyways-“

“There are literally stories centered around you not taking care of us.”

“I still don’t see how that’s relevant to you not taking care of your son.”

“You are not adopting them!”

“Try and stop me.”

OO OO OO OO

Several Months Later

“Mother!” Kronos called to Gaea. “I would like to introduce you to my new children!”

Gaea considered us for a long moment. “My children you mean.”

“What!?”

OO OO OO OO

Omake: Poseidon won’t let the eating them thing go

Poseidon: I literally arranged for Sally to be able to murder her abusive husband

Kronos: Ah, so you admit that you left your son in an abusive household?

Poseidon: You. Literally. Ate. Us.

Kronos: are you considering me the standard then? That’s not very healthy, and your son suffered for it.

Poseidon: I don’t see you saying anything about Sally marrying Gabe!

Kronos: we’ll get to that

Percy: no we won’t

Kronos: no we won’t

Omake 2: Percy is thriving on the chaos

Percy: I’m just saying that on the quest I went on for Zeus, he sent the Chimera after me. And Hades sent the furies after me

Zeus: hiding in the back trying not to be noticed

Thalia: He tried to kill me with a lightning bolt once!

Percy: Oh! He did that to me once too!

Nico: He killed my mom with one!

Kronos: Zeus. Get over here.

Omake 3: Sally arrives, this does not solve any problems

Kronos: okay, you’re the judge, who should be their parent

Sally: Me

Kronos: what

Sally: I have not eaten my kids, or abandoned them, and yes my actions did cause Percy to get hurt but they were done to protect him and I did everything in my power to do so. With a little bit of money I can take care of all the kids and there won’t be any problems

Demeter: that’s not an option

Sally: it is now, I expect child support

Omake 4: Kronos insists the Gods have put them in more danger

Percy: You know, Hades also sent the fury to my school and attacked me on my field trip

Kronos: I would never attack you on a field trip, I would like the record to show I never did so

Poseidon: You’re literally the cause of all his ruined summers

Kronos: uh, no, actually Chiron sent him on the first quest, and Hermes on the second, and he snuck out onto the third (which Chiron didn’t join because he was a little wimp), and was brought on with his friend on the fourth. Then Chiron ordered him to be in charge of the army here and left them. The one who’s done the most is actually Chiron it seems. But you all didn’t help either.

Poseidon: that’s not-

Kronos: it’s not my fault you keep putting him in front of me.

Omake 5: Okeanus joins in

Okeanus: just to be clear, I think I have the most right to adopt him

Poseidon: If you try to touch him I will redeclare war

 

Notes:

Thanks for reading! Don't forget to leave a review, they feed my soul.

Come yell at me on my tumblr: @Percabeth4Life
Come chat with me on discord
Come check out my writer's discord

Series this work belongs to: