Archive of Our Own ^beta

Todd was tired.

Sleep hadn't come to him since the day Charlie had shook him awake to tell him that Neil had died. That had been a week ago, exactly seven days, as soon as the minute hand of his clock would hit the 12 and join the hour hand.

18 minutes left.

Todd wondered how everyone around him seemed to be able to move on and live their lives as if nothing happened, while he felt like slowly fading away into the numbness of his body. On some days he couldn't even find the strength to leave his bed. He wondered if any of his friends had similar issues. He couldn't believe that they had truly moved on already. Maybe they masked themselves with strength and fought away the tears as well and Todd just hadn't noticed it in his own grief.

10 minutes left.

Todd had isolated himself from them, maybe that was the actual reason why he didn't notice anything. He barely left his room, only for the lessons. He hadn't eaten much and on some days it made him angry how loose his wrist watch had become in such a short amount of time. On other days he didn't care at all, bat no eye at his body and kept on with his work. The homework busied him at least and was his greatest excuse again whenever someone invited him to the common room. Not that he would do anything there anyways. There was no purpose for him in wasting his time there and to be constantly reminded of the empty space next to him, where Neil had used to sit and talk to him. Rather he sat in his room and tried to ignore the suffocating emptiness of it. Not that it was any better, but at least no one saw him suffer.

3 minutes left.

One day, while he had been doing his homework, Todd had forgotten that Neil was gone and had turned around to the opposite desk and asked a question, only to be answered with silence and the drowning feeling of embarrassment and melancholia.

Todd was tired. Tired of it all. The dull pain behind his eyebrow, the aching in his chest, the soreness of his eyes, the void in his head. Todd had felt it before sometimes but it had never been as bad as it was now. He wasn't sure if he could ever move on from this or if he even wanted to.

1 minute left.

Just end it all, he thought to himself. Let me fall asleep and never wake up again.

He closed his eyes and waited. He could feel the sleep approaching, the long awaited darkness that wrapped him in a warm blanket of carelessness. Peace of mind for a little while and his thoughts to fall quiet for once, that was all he needed.

The last thing he heard before sleep took over him was the louder clicking noise of the minute hand, announcing that it now was midnight.

Soon after, Todd wasn't even sure if he had been asleep, a hand gently shook his shoulder and woke him and a familiar voice spoke above him:

"Now, Todd, sleeping in the snow is a bad idea. You will get sick."

For a moment, with his eyes still closed, he thought the voice to be Neil's. The corners of his mouth twitched slightly at that thought, until he remembered that it was impossible. Neil was dead. He wouldn't come back no matter how much Todd yearned, wished and prayed for it.

The hand shook his shoulder again. "Todd, open your eyes. I know you are awake."

He could swear it was Neil's voice. In front of his inner eye Todd could even see Neil's teasing smile that had always been on his lips when he had tried to wake him on the weekends.

"Last chance, Todd. Please open your eyes. Look at me."

It took Todd a little bit of force to conquer his fear of not seeing the boy whose voice he heard and to open his eyes, but he did it and winced in shock when he saw who had woken him.

It was Neil. He was bending over him, smiling the way he always had but dressed in different clothes. He wore bright, simple robes and a thin, just as bright cape that waved in the wind. He held his hand towards Todd, an offer to help him up.

Todd grabbed his hand carefully and let Neil pull him up. His hand was cold.

"Is this a dream?" Todd looked around, at the snowy lawn and frozen lake, at Welton in the near distance and its fog piercing tower, and then back to Neil.

Neil shrugged, his hands now buried in the pockets of his thin coat, his lips twisted into a soft, crooked smile. "Maybe," he said and looked around as well. "Yes, maybe this is a dream."

"Or maybe I am just getting mad," Todd mumbled to himself. "Or am I dead? Have I died, Neil?"

"No, you are very alive," Neil retorted and laughed, but not in a mocking way. It was a laughter of relief. "I am glad to see you breathing," he added and just then Todd noticed how motionless Neil's chest was and how very little life was behind his eyes.

"I wish you were too," Todd wanted to say, but his throat had become too tight to let a word pass.

"I wanted to see how you're doing," Neil said and looked at him. His smile had become smaller. "You don't look that well. Have you not slept or eaten since...?"

Todd shook his head. How should he have done that? He almost choked on every bite, hunger came to him only in the evening and stayed for no longer than two bites. And sleep, well, this was his first sleep in a week.

"Todd, that's not good. Promise me that you will take care of yourself, all right?" Neil said and Todd nodded barely visible.

What an irony those words were. He had said them to Neil once and now they had become the truth.

I can take care of myself just fine. All right?

He couldn't. It had been a lie back then and it still was now, just that he now had no other choice. There was no one to take care of him anymore and if Todd was honest with himself, he didn't want anyone else either. What was the purpose of it when he would end up alone again and again? Better it be to stay alone then and to not let anyone that close to his heart and soul again.

Neil was still looking at him, worry visible on his face.

"Todd," he started. "I-"

"It was your father, wasn't it?" Todd interrupted him, his voice harsh, yet close to breaking. "He killed you, didn't he? You would've never done this, you-...you-" He began to hyperventilate and Neil quickly placed his hands on Todd's shoulders, ice cold digits digging with gentle pressure into his skin.

"Shh, calm down, Todd."

"No! This is not fair! Mr. Keating had to leave, he had to carry the consequences for your fathers offense and narrow mindedness!"

"I know, Todd, I know." Neil pushed him down to sit back down in the snow and sat down next to him. "I know and I'm so sorry about that."

They were silent for several minutes. Todd rubbed his face and eyes, took deep breaths to calm himself and to not break out in tears from all the anger and sadness that had build up inside of him in the past seven days.

"You are right," Neil suddenly said with a quiet voice. "he killed me, but not in the way you think. He killed my soul, my joy to live and my will to stay alive all with one decision. He wanted to send me to the military academy, to force me to study medicine afterwards. He had planned 10 further years of my life in his anger and it was the last drop that caused the glass to overflow. I had no other choice, Todd. I couldn't spend 10 more years in hell, I didn't want to waste my time and rot away in a life my father wanted me to live. A one-way-ticket to heaven was my only way out."

Todd remained silent, listened to Neil's words and let his mind repeat them over and over again in his head.

"What does it feel like? To die, I mean," he then whispered after a while and dared to look at Neil.

He wasn't looking back at him. His gaze lay on the frozen lake and the snow that covered everything. His lips were twisted into a weak smile, the wind made his hair unruly and exposed the dark hole near his temple.

"You don't feel it. The second it happened, before my mind could from a thought about it and realize the pain the bullet had caused, I was dead. It is like falling asleep," Neil looked at him, locked his eyes with Todd's and smiled a little wider. Sadness ruled his empty eyes. "except you just don't wake up anymore."

Todd gulped and tore his eyes away from Neil.

It is like falling asleep, except you just don't wake up anymore.

Maybe Todd would never awake from this, too. He wished, hoped, maybe even begged for it somehow. Would anyone even care? Would it even matter if he was gone? Maybe life was better on the other side, the place where Neil was. Life was always better where Neil was.

Todd gulped again and stared down onto his shivering hands. 

"Neil?" he asked quietly. "Will you visit the others too?"

He could feel Neil looking at him and dared to look back at him as well. He was smiling again and shook his head.

"I've already visited them," he answered. "I just kept you for last."

"Why?" Todd whispered and furrowed his brows. Was he really of that little worth even to Neil?

Neil shrugged. "The best always comes last, doesn't it?"

Todd furrowed his brows even more. He wasn't sure if this was better than being of too little worth.

"I'm not the best, Neil."

"To me, you were."

Todd felt a sliver or warmth spread on his cheeks. How could Neil say that when it was so obvious that he himself had been the best? Todd thought about telling it to him, but he thought for too long.

"Ah," Neil suddenly said and looked up into the sky, pulled Todd out of his thoughts. "I have to leave now."

"No, please don't. Please stay, stay forever," Todd wanted to whisper-beg, but he couldn't.

Neil rose back to his feet and brushed the snow off his coat.

"Will you come back?" Todd asked quietly instead, though he already knew the answer.

Neil shook his head. "No, but I'm sure we will meet again one day. If not in this life, then in another one." He smiled and patted Todd's shoulder. "I'm glad I got to see you one last time."

I don't want it to be the last time.

Todd stumbled to his feet. "Take me with you, please. I have nothing to lose. Please, Neil, don't make me wake up again," he begged and reached out for Neil but dropped his hand midway, unsure what he was even reaching for.

Neil looked at him with a mildly pained and compassionated facial expression and shook his head.

"I can't," he said and followed Todd's lowering hand with his eyes. "I'm sorry. Goodbye, Todd."

He turned around and began to walk away.

No, no, no, no- wait! I've got to tell you something!

"Neil!" Todd called after him and stumbled through the snow to catch up with him. Neil turned back around, one of his eyebrows raised in question. "I know I never said it to you, but I-" he gulped and tried not to choke on the tears that were rising again and blurred his sight. "I-"

Neil smiled at him and shook his head. "I know, Todd," he said. "I know. I wish I said it to you, too."

He turned back around and started to walk away again. The hands buried deep inside the pockets of his coat.

"Neil!" Todd called after him again, his voice shaking, and Neil halted once more. "Are you-... Are you happy now?"

Neil looked at him and his smile had become a little smaller again. "No, but now I am free." He looked towards the lake, an apologetic expression in his eyes. "Excuse me now, Todd, I really must go. I'm sorry." He waved him, gave him one last smile and then proceeded to walk towards the wooden footbridge. "Promise me to take care of yourself and to not miss me too much, yes? I don't want you to be sad for the rest of your life. Carpe diem, Todd."

Todd's sight blurred even more, he could barely make out Neil's shape anymore and bit back a sob. His legs gave up, failed him to keep up with Neil's pace and let him sink back into the snow. He closed his eyes tightly, tried to prevent the tears from falling but couldn't. He didn't want this dream to end, he didn't want Neil to leave him again with a heart that now felt even more broken than before, but he couldn't prevent that either.

When he opened his eyes and looked at the footbridge, blinked his view free from the tears, Neil was already gone. Somewhere behind Todd a few birds began to sing, ducks and geese to shout. They got louder and louder, his surroundings began to blur and suddenly he was pulled back into consciousness.

He awoke in his bed, in the awfully quiet room, facing the stripped bed across of him. A wet pearl dripped into his mouth, past his dry lips, and left its salty taste of sorrow on his tongue.

"Carpe diem, Neil," he whispered. "Thank you for everything."