The Really Shitty Race

I think Don went off the rails this time.
But so did I! 128 teams? One-team eliminations only? Seriously?!?
Anyways this is the first time I've ever put any of my fanfics on the webs. Most of these characters/people, you may or may not know, but some, I guarantee, you won't.

Notes:

A huge thank you to Thenewsubwayguy and others for inspiration in the first place. All characters/people belong to their respective owners.

Chapter 1: Meet the Everybody, pt. 1

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The current location was Union Station in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

“This …is Toronto, the capital of a province in the overly-polite nation of Canada!” Your favorite host, Don, began while standing on the roof of Union Station. “Beneath my manly-sized schlong, 128 teams are arriving at this train station ready to embark on a race around the world…and maybe even outside of it a little! Hi, my name is Don, and this…is…THE REALLY SHITTY RACE!!!” An intro sequence followed.

“Welcome to The Really Shitty Race!” Don began. “Right now, 128 teams from around the globe are readying themselves to embark on a master race…”

Chatter could be heard in Don’s earpiece.

“…I can’t use that term? Fine. Let’s meet the teams that are racing in this superior race!”

The first duo were a man in his late 30s/early 40s with his 12-year-old son. The man had short brown hair and glasses while his son had short blonde hair.

“Hank Hill and his son Bobby from King of the Hill, the Father and Son.”

Interview room: Father and Son

“This is my son Bobby.” Hank introduced. “I raised him to be a competitive man!”

“In my spare time, I like to…” Bobby began, before being cut off by Hank.

“…Play football and help around the house!” Hank finished.

“That’s not what I was going to say…” Bobby said.

“Trust me, son!” Hank began. “If you’da spent all your time doin’ athletic activities and whatnot, you’d be even better prepared for what’s ahead!”

</end interview>

The second duo were sitting in the train smoking and passing a blunt. One had long blond hair and baggy clothes, while the other wore a backwards cap, had a thick beardstache, and wore a black hoodie with jorts (jean shorts).

“Jay and Silent Bob from the Askewniverse, the Stoners!”

Interview room: Stoners

“Man, Silent Bob and I are so tight!” Jay began. “You don’t wanna fuck with us! You sure as hell don’t want to get in between us and our weed! Wait…what are we doing again?”

Silent Bob did a running gesture to remind Jay that they were in a race.

“A race? Oh yeah. Yeah we can win this race for sure! Woo-hoo!” Jay raised his fist in the air upon saying ‘woo-hoo’. “Me and Silent Bob, we owe our lives to racing! You see the first-” Cutoff.

</end interview>

The third duo were holding hands while sitting together on the train. One of them was a girl, about 17, with short brown hair and a casual schoolgirl outfit, and the other was a boy, about 17, with short red hair and a casual schoolboy outfit.

“Makoto Konno and Chiaki Mamiya from The Girl Who Leapt Through Time, the Time Leapers.”

Interview room: Time Leapers

“Chiaki and I have known each other for a very long time!” Makoto said. “If he has any problem with this reality show stuff, he can just ask me.”

“Uh…Makoto? I don’t think you have it any better than I do.” Chiaki said.

“Of course I do!” Makoto responded. “Sure we can’t leap back in time anymore, but we don’t need to!”

“Suuuure…” Chiaki said with uncertainty.

</end interview>

The fourth duo were a weird-faced, big-eyed, scary looking version of Barack Obama and a big-eyed bird-woman thing with long black hair.

“Obunga and Momo from the internet, the Big-Eyed Creeps.”

Interview room: Big-Eyed Creeps

Obunga and Momo each gave a deadpan stare into the camera eye.

</end interview>

The fifth duo were a Jamaican boy and a goth girl, both with past experience in reality TV.

“Gwen and DJ from Total Drama, the Reality TV Alumni.”

Interview room: Reality TV Alumni

“I’m not that close with DJ, let me be honest with you, but I had to pick somebody, and DJ is one of the few people from Total Drama that I can trust.” Gwen admitted.

“I’m a great teammate once you get to know me!” DJ assured. “I’m positive we will win!”

“Uh…yeah! That’s the spirit!” Gwen said nervously.

</end interview>

The sixth duo were a pair of soldiers. One was lying face down in the middle of the train aisle while the other was teabagging on top of him.

“Assault and Recon from Battlefield, the Objective Players.”

Interview room: Objective Players

“As the Objective Players, we swear to focus on the game and nothing BUT the game!” Assault insisted.

“Hey Assault. I just lost the game! OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH…” Recon shouted, before getting smacked in the face by Assault.

“OW!” Recon cried out.

</end interview>

The seventh duo were a high school boy and girl, clad in North High outfits. The girl had short brown hair with ribbons in it, and the boy had short brown hair, but no ribbons.

“Haruhi Suzumiya and Kyon from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, the Brigade Leaders.”

Interview room: Brigade Leaders

“Well, as we all know, Haruhi isn’t into ordinary humans.” Kyon noted.

“Hey, betcha I could sabotage all the other teams with my powers!” Haruhi shouted.

“…What powers?” Kyon asked.

“Oh you know.” Haruhi began. “We could win with the world revolving around…”

</end interview>

The eighth duo were two angel boys. One of them was dressed in a white toga and had brown hair while the other boy was in a black toga and had black hair. The dark one was smoking a blunt while on the train.

“Pit and Dark Pit from Kid Icarus, the Angel Brothers.”

Interview room: Angel Brothers

“I didn’t say or ask to be on this stupid show!” Dark Pit complained with his arms crossed.

“Dark Pit is super edgy.” Pit admitted. “Y’all knew that.”

“Yeah whatever.” Dark Pit scoffed. “Let’s just lose and get this over with.”

</end interview>

The ninth duo were two girls. One was some elf with blonde hair and the other was a princess with dark skin and green hair.

“Amalia Sheran Sharm and Evangelyne from Wakfu, the Adventuring Girls!”

Interview room: Adventuring Girls

“I think we might have adventured too far.” Amalia said. “I don’t recognize this environment at all.”

“It’s always good to explore and get out of your comfort zone!” Evangelyne said, attempting to encourage Amalia.

“I guess…” Amalia said, unsure of it all.

</end interview>

The tenth duo were two black-and-white monochrome men, both clad in 1920s attire. One had a small black hat and a mustache, while the other had no facial hair (barring the ‘brows) or any sort of hat.

“Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton, the Old Movie Stars.”

Interview room: Old Movie Stars

Buster Keaton could be seen talking, but only ragtime music could be heard. Shortly after, a card came up.

“My man Charlie and I are back in action and ready to win bookoo bucks! Plan to use it for good intentions such as my medical bills!”

Charlie Chaplin began panicking and searching for something in his pockets after Buster finished speaking. Buster asked Charlie a question, and then another card showed up.

“What’s the matter there, Charlie?”

Charlie popped out his medical bill and handed it to Buster for him to read. Buster looked at the medical bill, and his eyes went open wide. He asked Charlie another question, followed by another dialogue card.

“Goodness gracious that amount is insane! $5 million?!? What did you do?!?”

Charlie was blushing. Buster asked another question, another dialogue card popped up.

“I’m assuming that means you’d rather not say?”

Charlie nodded his head in shame.

</end interview>

The eleventh duo were an anthro bear with his 12-year-old human boy apprentice. The bear was snoring on the train. The boy was reading a book.

“Kumatetsu and Kyuta from The Boy and the Beast, the Master and Apprentice.”

Interview room: Master and Apprentice

“Now remember what I said about crybabies!” Kumatetsu reminded Kyuta.

“Not to worry. I am no longer a crybaby.” Kyuta assured. “I am man enough to do this race!”

“That’s my Kyuta!” Kumatetsu cheered. “Now, remember your fighting skills! Don may have taken away any and all weapons, but was unable to take away that sword in your soul!”

“That advice doesn’t help, Kumatetsu.” Kyuta said.

“YOU LITTLE BRAT WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?” Kumatetsu shouted.

</end interview>

The twelfth duo were two middle-aged men with political experience. One had a gray wig and colonial clothes while the other had black hair, including a beard, and was the American Civil War union president.

“George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, American Presidents.”

Interview room: American Presidents

“Four score and seven years ago, I dreamed of being in something like this.” Abraham Lincoln said.

“Cute. I’ve been dreaming about it since 1776!” George Washington boasted. “Step up your dreaming game, man!”

“Don’t make me kick you all the way down to the Mason-Dixon Line!” Lincoln threatened.

“Ooh, how scary!” George Washington said sarcastically.

</end interview>

The thirteenth duo were a pair of medieval soldiers. One was an infantry unit and the other was an archery unit.

“Champion and Crossbowman from Age of Empires 2, the King’s Soldiers.”

Interview room: King’s Soldiers

“Mandatum?” Champion asked.

“Yae?” Crossbowman asked.

“Battal!” Champion exclaimed.

“Yus!” Crossbowman exclaimed.

</end interview>

The fourteenth duo were two slutty angel sisters. One, who was sluttier than the other, had long, blonde hair and a red dress. The other was some cross between lolita and goth, with purple hair and a lolita/goth dress.

“Sisters Panty and Stocking Anarchy from Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt, the Anarchy Sisters.”

Interview room: Anarchy Sisters

“I came here to kick ass and suck some dick, and I’m all out of dicks!” Panty said.

“No, Panty. We’re here to beat a bunch of teams in a race for money.” Stocking insisted.

“Surely there’s some yummy meat along the way!” Panty said. “I imagine quite a sausage fest going on in this race!”

“Whatever. At least I have my sweets.” Stocking said, right before getting out and eating a slice of cake.

</end interview>

The fifteenth duo were two primates, an ape and a chimpanzee. The chimp had a red cap and a red shirt while the ape had a red necktie with the letters ‘DK’ on it.

“Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong from Donkey Kong, the Primates!”

Interview room: Primates

“Diddy and DK are gonna slam the others!” Donkey Kong said. “We will use our muscles and our tricks to slow the others down and speed us up!”

“That’s what’s up!” Diddy Kong said, clapping in joy.

“DK met Diddy back in 1998 when Diddy was gathering bananas and Diddy fell to the ground! DK helped Diddy up, and now, friends!” Donkey Kong recalled.

</end interview>

The sixteenth duo consisted of some mainstream metal frontman guy, complete with sunglasses, a backwards cap, and tattoos and whatnot, and his trusty clown trainer who would reward him with fast food.

“M. Shadows from Avenged Sevenfold and Ronald McDonald from McDonald’s, the Trainee and Trainer!”

Interview room: Trainee and Trainer

“Ronny and I have been working out this deal for a while now! I work out and get my fitness up, and he rewards me with the ever-delicious McDonald’s food!” M. Shadows explained. “…Ice cream, please?”

“Sorry.” Ronald McDonald began. “Ice cream machine broke.”

M. Shadows threw his hands up in rage and screamed.

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…”

</end interview>

The seventeenth duo consisted of two kids, one boy and one girl. The boy had on a red shirt and a red cap, as well as red shoes and dark jeans. The girl had a white cap, a blue top, and a short skirt.

“Red and Leaf from Pokémon, the Pokémon Trainers!”

Interview room: Pokémon Trainers

“It kinda stinks we can’t bring our beloved Pokémon with us.” Red confessed.

“I think it’s fair.” Leaf added. “We’d only be cheating if we did.”

“That’s a good point, Leaf.” Red admitted.

</end interview>

The eighteenth duo were two lame-o dudes who worked in retail. One of them had black hair and was dressed in a green sweater, while the other guy was wearing a red jacket and a backwards cap while reading a porn magazine.

“Dante Hicks and Randall Graves from the Askewniverse, the Retail Clerks!”

Interview room: Retail Clerks

“I bet I’ll bust my ass pulling all the weight while Dante over here will just lug around.” Randall Graves said.

“Funny, I think quite the opposite will happen.” Dante Hicks said.

“Really? I’ve run a few marathons. I think my legs are good.” Randall said back.

“Doubt.” Dante responded.

“Dude, just because you haven’t seen it or otherwise been proven doesn’t mean it didn’t happen! Get a grip, man!” Randall said back.

Dante sighed. “I’m not even supposed to be here today.” He said.

</end interview>

The nineteenth duo were two black comedian dudes. One was bald and the other had short, poofy hair and glasses.

“Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele, aka Key & Peele, the Comedy Duo!”

Interview room: Comedy Duo

“So Key and I have built our image and reputation well by this point!” Peele said. “He sticks to comedy, and I’ve branched into horror!”

“Hey Peele!” Key began. “What’s your next film?”

“I know I shouldn’t be telling anyone yet, but I’m going to be doing a Disney remake!” Peele admitted.

“Woah! Really?” Key exclaimed. “What are you remaking?”

“I remade Song of the South!” Peele answered. “It’s dropping next February!”

</end interview>

The twentieth duo were another pair of sisters. One looked edgy and was eating a lemon and listening to music while the other simply sipped on her tea.

“Ryuko Matoi and Satsuki Kiryuin from Kill la Kill, the Honnouji Sisters!”

Interview room: Honnouji Sisters

“For obvious reasons, I will not activate Senketsu to help me in this race.” Ryuko confessed. “That’s cheating and blood loss.”

“For those same reasons, I’m not activating Junketsu either.” Satsuki confessed.

“We’ve got a big prize ahead of us and we will do anything to get it!” Ryuko said with excitement.

“…Except activate our uniforms.” Satsuki finished.

“Come to think of it…if we’re not going to be using our outfits, then why did we bring them instead of normal clothes?” Ryuko asked.

“Dunno.” Satsuki began. “Probably so people would recognize us.”

</end interview>

The twenty-first duo were a pair of superheroes who regularly fought crime. One had a blue outfit, while the other had a white outfit that made him look like a moth or a bunny or whatever he was supposed to be.

“The Tick and Arthur Everest from The Tick, the Superheroes!”

Interview room: Superheroes

“Former accountant mothy boi over here is in this race with me, and we best be putting everyone else to the test!” The Tick said.

“Please stop talking like that.” Arthur said.

“Spoon!” The Tick said.

“I guess that’s more like it.” Arthur said.

</end interview>

The twenty-second duo were from Class 1-A of some hero academy place. The one with dark purple hair stared out the window at the scenery, listening to her music and chugging Monster while the one with dark green hair was looking at her phone. They were in their casual outfits.

“Kyoka Jiro and Tsuyu ‘Froppy’ Asui from My Hero Academia, the Heroic Schoolgirls!”

Interview room: Heroic Schoolgirls

“We’re known for powers such as my frog-like abilities.” Froppy said.

“And I have the listening quirk.” Jiro added. “However, I do recall Don mentioning something about how we should only use our quirks for good and not cheat with them. Say, could you pass me those chips?”

“Sure thing!” Froppy said, before extending her tongue to reach something out of the camera’s view. The tongue came back with a bag of chips. Froppy handed the chips to Jiro.

“Thank you!” Jiro thanked. Froppy finished putting her tongue back in her mouth.

“You’re welcome.” Froppy said.

</end interview>

The twenty-third duo were two buff gunner men. One was wearing green armor while the other was wearing a giant Chex piece for armor.

“Doom Marine from Doom and Chex Warrior from Chex Quest, The WAD Gunmen!”

Interview room: WAD Gunmen

“I’m more hardcore than you, pal! You’re just with me because you like my style!” Doom Marine said.

“But we have similar tactics!” Chex Warrior mentioned. “And unlike you I crunch cereal like a CHAMPION!”

“Shut up!” Doom Marine snapped. “You’ll talk when you’ve defeated a big beast!”

“I have!” Chex Warrior admitted. “It’s the queen flemoid!”

</end interview>

The twenty-fourth duo were two police cadet women. One was black, slim, and had short brown hair, while the other was white, big, and had her brown hair in a ponytail.

“Sanders and MacArthur from Total Drama, the Police Cadets!”

Interview room: Police Cadets

“So this is like that other race we did, but with lots more people and challenges and stuff.” MacArthur said. “If you can’t do it, where are your balls?”

“I’m female, you know.” Sanders said, rolling her eyes.

“Figure of speech, Sanders!” MacArthur said. “Looks like my balls dwarf your balls!” Sanders facepalmed.

</end interview>

The twenty-fifth duo were two Sims; one woman and one man. They were a couple but had commitment issues.

“Pauline Wan and Hank Goddard from The Sims, the Sim Couple!”

Interview room: Sim Couple

Pauline and Hank spoke to each other, but it was all in Simlish. Word clouds appeared over their heads with pictures related to the race.

</end interview>

The twenty-sixth duo were a crazy scientist grandfather who dragged along his grandson for the race, as well as all his other adventures.

“Rick Sanchez and Morty Smith from Rick and Morty, the Grandfather and Grandson!”

Interview room: Grandfather and Grandson

“It’s already bad enough that Rick has to take me on yet another adventure, but a fucking race for money?!?” Morty asked. “What for, Rick?”

“Trust me, Morty.” Rick began. “Once we get all that money, there will be brighter days in your future, and I’ll have what I need during the final days of my life!”

“How do you know my days aren’t bright without this?!?” Morty asked.

“Morty, I’ve traveled to a possibility universe thinger where you’re a sad, sad adult.” Rick explained. “So if we win this race, we can stop that from happening!”

“Money can’t fix everything, Rick!” Morty protested. “It sure as hell can’t buy happiness!”

“So you’re saying financial stability won’t make you crack a smile?” Rick asked. “Stop being so pessimistic all the time and get a grip, Morty!” Rick took another chug from his flask.

</end interview>

The twenty-seventh duo were two professor brothers from the worst college in America. Both were balding. One had brown hair and a beard while the other had blond hair and glasses.

“Frank and Steve Smith from China, IL, the Professor Brothers!”

Interview room: Professor Brothers

“They say we come from the ‘worst college in America’, but hah! What do they know?” Frank Smith asked, annoyed.

“Uh, Frank? Who’s ‘they’?” Steve asked.

“Too many goddamn people, that’s who!” Frank answered.

</end interview>

The twenty-eighth duo were two old yellow men who worked in an elementary school. One had gray hair while the other was balding, but also had gray hair.

“Seymour Skinner and Gary Chalmers from The Simpsons, the Principal and Superintendent!”

Interview room: Principal and Superintendent

“Skinner truly is an oddfellow.” Chalmers began. “I can’t trust him 100%, but he’s still a pretty good principal.”

“I hope you’re prepared for an unforgettable race!” Skinner said to Chalmers.

“Not really.” Chalmers confessed.

“Perhaps I could persuade you with some…Steamed Hams?” Skinner said, holding up a hamburger to Chalmers’ face. Chalmers slapped the hamburger out of Skinner’s hand. Skinner frowned.

</end interview>

The twenty-ninth duo were two housemates from New York City. One was a human, dressed in a business outfit, and the other was a zombie.

“Mark Lilly and Randall Skeffington from Ugly Americans, the Monstrous Men!”

Interview room: Monstrous Men

“Randall and I are stoked to be on this show!” Mark cheered. “Hey Callie, I love you!”

“I am dying to win first place with you!” Randall joked. Mark gave Randall a ‘…Really?’ face.

</end interview>

The thirtieth duo were a middle-aged billionaire and his loving devil husband. They were holding hands on the train.

“Bill Gates and Satan, the Perfect Couple!”

Interview room: Perfect Couple

“So, if you’re already a multi-billionaire, then why are you in this race?” Satan asked Bill Gates.

“So I can have even MORE money!” Bill Gates answered. “More money for Microsoft, more money for charities, and as we all know, money is the root of all evil!”

“Great point!” Satan added. The two laughed evilly before sharing a kiss.

</end interview>

The thirty-first duo were a primitive man wearing a loincloth and an ape. It was their shitty Canadian flash reboot incarnations.

“George of the Jungle (2007) and Ape (2007) from George of the Jungle (2007 series), the Jungle Men!”

Interview room: Jungle Men

“George is more than excited to take part in such a race!” George cheered. “Running and stamina are two of George’s strong points!”

“Meanwhile, I just do all the strength-related stuff and hope I don’t fall behind.” Ape added.

“What did Ape say?” George asked.

Ape sighed. “I said I just do all the…” The interview cut off.

</end interview>

The thirty-second duo were two Japanese highschool girls. One was sitting at the window seat taking selfies while the other was doing situps on the floor of the train aisle.

“Tomo Takino and Kagura from Azumanga Daioh, the Knuckleheads!”

Interview room: Knuckleheads

“Sup TV?” Tomo greeted. “I’m Tomo Takino and this is my big-boobed classmate Kagura!”

Kagura blushed while looking pissed.

“Did you have to introduce me like that?!?” Kagura asked.

“What?” Tomo began. “It is a fact after all. No need to deny the truth!”

“I’m Kagura and this is my small-brained classmate Tomo Takino!” Kagura said back.

“WHY YOU…” Tomo shouted.

</end interview>

Teams revealed so far:

1. Father and Son - Hank Hill and Bobby Hill (King of the Hill)

2. Stoners - Jay and Silent Bob (Askewniverse)

3. Time Leapers - Makoto Konno and Chiaki Mamiya (The Girl Who Leapt Through Time)

4. Big-Eyed Creeps - Obunga and Momo (Creepypasta)

5. Reality TV Alumni - Gwen and DJ (Total Drama Island/Action/World Tour)

6. Objective Players - Assault and Recon (Battlefield)

7. Brigade Leaders - Haruhi Suzumiya and Kyon (The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya)

8. Angel Brothers - Pit and Dark Pit (Kid Icarus)

9. Adventuring Girls - Amalia Sheran Sharm and Evangelyne (Wakfu)

10. Old Movie Stars - Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton (actors)

11. Master and Apprentice - Kumatetsu and Kyuta (The Boy and the Beast)

12. American Presidents - George Washington and Abraham Lincoln (United States presidents)

13. King's Soldiers - Crossbowman and Champion (Age of Empires 2)

14. Anarchy Sisters - Panty Anarchy and Stocking Anarchy (Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt)

15. Primates - Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong (Donkey Kong)

16. Trainee and Trainer - M. Shadows and Ronald McDonald (Avenged Sevenfold/McDonald's)

17. Pokémon Trainers - Red and Leaf (Pokémon)

18. Retail Clerks - Dante Hicks and Randal Graves (Askewniverse)

19. Comedy Duo - Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele (Key & Peele)

20. Honnouji Sisters - Ryuko Matoi and Satsuki Kiryuin (Kill la Kill)

21. Superheroes - The Tick and Arthur Everest (The Tick)

22. Heroic Schoolgirls - Kyoka Jiro and Tsuyu 'Froppy' Asui (My Hero Academia)

23. WAD Gunmen - Doom Marine and Chex Warrior (Doom/Chex Quest)

24. Police Cadets - Sanders and MacArthur (Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race)

25. Sim Couple - Hank Goddard and Pauline Wan (The Sims 3)

26. Grandfather and Grandson - Rick Sanchez and Morty Smith (Rick and Morty)

27. Professor Brothers - Frank Smith and Steve Smith (China, IL)

28. Principal and Superintendent - Seymour Skinner and Gary Chalmers (The Simpsons)

29. Monstrous Men - Mark Lilly and Randall Skeffington (Ugly Americans)

30. Perfect Couple - Bill Gates and Satan (real life/Bible)

31. Jungle Men - George of the Jungle (2007) and Ape (2007) (George of the Jungle (2007 series))

32. Knuckleheads - Tomo Takino and Kagura (Azumanga Daioh)

Notes:

First 32 teams revealed! Stay tuned for more!

Chapter 2: Meet the Everybody, pt. 2: Electric Boogaloo

Summary:

Teams 33 - 64

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The thirty-third duo were some mostly bald, shirtless guy and an aspiring street rapper.

“Jimmy Pee and Thuggy Reals from Threebrain, the Schmucks!”

Interview room: Schmucks

“If yer gonna run a race like dis, ya need TREE TINGS!” Jimmy Pee began. “ONE, a teammate, TWO, a compass, and TREE, a loadza money!”

“You can’t handle this toof, word!” Thuggy Reals said.

</end interview>

The thirty-fourth duo were a 20th century human and a 30th century robot.

“Fry and Bender from Futurama, the Future Friends!”

Interview room: Future Friends

“Yeah I’ve known Fry for a good chunk of time.” Bender began. “I would’ve picked someone else but delivery boy over here, despite not having the skills I desire, is more fun than any other choice.”

“I’ll just…take that as a compliment.” Fry said.

“Go ahead.” Bender said. “Sure beats racing with Zoidberg or Hermes.”

“What about Leela or Amy?” Fry asked.

“Eh, I dunno.” Bender answered. “Whatever. It’s us.”

</end interview>

The thirty-fifth duo were a blue jay and a raccoon who both worked in a park.

“Mordecai and Rigby from Regular Show, the Working Bros.”

Interview room: Working Bros

“Benson’s gonna drop his balls when he sees how great we do in this race!” Rigby began. “He’ll be like ‘oh no my gumballs’!” Mordecai chuckled at Rigby’s impression.

“Dude, dude.” Mordecai began. “Maybe Muscle Man will treat us nicer than usual.”

“And maybe Benson will give us a raise and better hours!” Rigby cheered.

“YEAH!” The two of them exclaimed as they gave each other a high five.

</end interview>

The thirty-sixth duo were two future sports athletes. One was a young boy with a bowl cut hairdo and the other was this chubby black woman who was an alcoholic.

“Ace Ambling and Gaz Digzy from Ballmastrz: 9009, the Ball Masters!”

Interview room: Ball Masters

“Oh my godz Gaz and I are in the Really Shitty Race and I’ve never been more excited in my life!!!” Ace exclaimed cheerfully.

“Not even when we win a game?” Gaz asked. “…OH WAIT!”

“I’m still highly confident about winning this race!” Ace said. Gaz opened a can and started chugging some beer.

</end interview>

The thirty-seventh duo were a teenage boy with spiky orange hair and a girl with medium-length black hair. They were also soul reapers.

“Ichigo Kurosaki and Rukia Kuchiki from Bleach, the Soul Reapers.”

Interview room: Soul Reapers

“Rukia and I don’t always get along.” Ichigo admitted. “We fight here and there, we argue over what’s what, but hey, I’ve come to bond with her very well!”

“We stand in awe before that which cannot be seen.” Rukia said.

“…Uh…sure.” Ichigo said, unsure of why Rukia said what she said.

</end interview>

The thirty-eighth duo were two teenage girls. One had long red hair and a big chest, while the other had short black hair and not much of a chest.

“Orihime Inoue and Tatsuki Arisawa, also from Bleach, the Comfort Friends!”

Interview room: Comfort Friends

“Orihime and I have known each other since we were kids.” Tatsuki began. “And ever since then, we’ve got each other’s backs. She’s been through some rough sh…”

“HOORAY!” Orihime spontaneously shouted, interrupting Tatsuki. “I get to race around the world with my bestie, Tatsuki!”

“…Yeah.” Tatsuki continued. “I get to improve my athletics, and she gets to enjoy world travel.”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…” Orihime squealed. The squealing was abruptly cut off by a camera cutoff.

</end interview>

The thirty-ninth duo were two Scandinavian metal dudes, both with long hair. One had brown hair and a bit of a mustache while the other had blond hair and no facial hair.

“Skwisgaar Skwigelf and Toki Wartooth from Metalocalypse, the Metal Guitarists!”

Interview room: Metal Guitarists

“Maybe with this money. We can gets Dethklok back to life and be the biggest again.” Skwisgaar said.

“And I can finally goes to Hershey Park! EEEEEE!!!” Toki squealed. Skwisgaar facepalmed.

</end interview>

The fortieth duo were two sneaky dudes in skin-tight suits. One was blond and had no facial hair, and the other had brown hair, a little bit of facial hair, and the most dummy thicc of all asscheeks.

“Solid Snake and Raiden from Metal Gear, the Tactical Spies!”

Interview room: Tactical Spies

“Raiden and I are two of the best runners this show has to offer!” Snake boasted. “And we’re very good at sneaking around and not making any sort of sound while doing so.”

“Promised Rose we’d be back by April 30th.” Raiden said. “We’ll be back by then, right?”

“It’s May 27th.” Snake said. “You mean next April 30th. Of course we will.”

</end interview>

The forty-first duo were two intergalactic bounty hunters. One was a blonde woman wearing her Zero Suit, while the other was an F-Zero racer with a helmet.

“Samus Aran from Metroid and Captain Falcon from F-Zero, the Bounty Hunters!”

Interview room: Bounty Hunters

“Met him back in 1999. We signed up for something called ‘Super Smash Bros.’ where we would fight each other, and both of us were ripped even before then!” Samus said. “Falcon can be a bit of a powerhouse, though.”

“But being a powerhouse is a good thing!” Captain Falcon said. “At least we’ll have the stamina and whatnot to get us through this race! We both work out a lot, and are muscular as can be! HYESZ!” Samus facepalmed.

</end interview>

The forty-second duo were two kinds dressed in thick winter coats. The boy was wearing blue and the girl was wearing pink.

“Popo and Nana from Ice Climber, the Ice Climbers!”

Interview room: Ice Climbers

“Why do we wear our thick coats even when it’s ridiculously hot out?” Popo asked.

“That’s a good question, Popo!” Nana mentioned. “I dunno!”

“Ah, shouldn’t slow us down! That’s for sure!” Popo said.

</end interview>

The forty-third duo were two teenage boys rocking out to their music on the train. One of them wore a red cap while the other had a white shirt with a black vest on top.

“Bill S. Preston and Ted Logan from Bill & Ted, the Young Adventurers!”

Interview room: Young Adventurers

“So like, we’re on this adventure around the world and whatnot!” Bill said happily.

“Yeah, and it’s gonna be all like ROCKING!!!” Ted added. The two did air guitar.

</end interview>

The forty-fourth duo were two ginger boys in flannel. One was a teen and had curly hair while the other was still a child, had straight hair, and was wearing a plaid hat.

“Big Pete Wrigley and Little Pete Wrigley from The Adventures of Pete and Pete, the Same-Name Brothers!”

Interview room: Same-Name Brothers

“I hope you’ve been trained and prepared for this race, Pete!” Big Pete said to his brother.

Little Pete scoffed. “Like you’re any better off!” Little Pete said. “I’m all ready thanks to Artie…The Strongest Man…IN THE WORLD!!!”

“Cute, but I got all trained and whatnot from Ellen.” Big Pete confessed.

“You trying to say Ellen is stronger than Artie?” Little Pete asked. “No one out-strengthens Artie! He has his title for a reason!”

“Whatever, man.” Big Pete said. “Point is, we’re both ready to take on the race! …And I’m also glad Endless Mike is nowhere in it.”

</end interview>

The forty-fifth duo were two plumber brothers dressed in red and green, respectively. The red one was shorter and bigger while the green one was taller and smaller.

“Mario and Luigi from Super Mario Bros., the Mario Brothers!

Interview room: Mario Brothers

“It’s-a me, Mario!” Mario voiced his signature introduction.

“Don’t worry, Mario. Everyone knows.” Luigi assured.

“Of course you know, because it’s-a me, Mari…” Mario began, before Luigi cut him off.

“STOP IT!!!” Luigi shouted, before fireballing Mario. Mario ran around screaming while he was on fire.

“Stop, drop, and-a roll, ya genius!” Luigi said to his brother.

</end interview>

The forty-sixth duo were two soldiers stained with the blood of zombies. The American one was chugging Stamin-Up Perk-a-Cola while the German one was studying physical tips.

“Tank Dempsey and Edward Richtofen from Call of Duty Zombies, the Zombie Killers!”

Interview room: Zombie Killers

“I’m in charge of all the orthodox work.” Dempsey began. “Doc over here tends to make everything some sort of fucked-up experiment.”

“But if we can outrun zose zombies, I think we’re in good shape for zis ‘Really Shitty Race’ in front of us!” Richtofen explained. “Pass me the Stamin-Up?”

Dempsey passed a bottle of Stamin-Up to Richtofen while taking a drink from a bottle of Speed Cola.

“You sure this isn’t cheating, doc?” Dempsey asked.

“Nonsense!” Richtofen answered. “It isn’t cheating in real-life survival!”

</end interview>

The forty-seventh duo were two metal vocalists from different bands. One was a skinhead, chugging beer in the middle of the train aisle, and the other was a deathcore dude, chatting with his girlfriend and dog on FaceTime.

“Phil Anselmo from Pantera and Phil Bozeman from Whitechapel, the Phil Vocalists!”

Interview room: Phil Vocalists

“Dude, w-we make a great team, y’know that? I mean…” Phil Anselmo said, placing a hand on Phil Bozeman’s shoulder. “We’re both named Phil and we both do metal vocals and we can run like motherfucks…”

“…I think you should sober up before we start this race.” Bozeman suggested.

</end interview>

The forty-eighth duo were two residents of Free Country USA. The armless white one was lifting dumbbells while the shirtless wrestler one was on his laptop, checking his email.

“Homestar Runner and Strong Bad from Homestar Runner, the Email Checker and Terrific Athlete!”

Interview room: Email Checker and Terrific Athlete

“I’ve got gweat legs! Pewwfect for wunning with!” Homestar boasted.

“You gotta remember, we have to take on these extreme challenges too.” Strong Bad reminded Homestar.

“Oh I’m all about the extweme!” Homestar insisted.

“Yeah…the extremely lame!!!” Strong Bad insulted.

</end interview>

The forty-ninth duo were two warriors from Gaul. One was smaller, wore a helmet with wings, and had blonde hair + mustache, while the other was much bigger, wore no shirt, and was rather strong.

“Asterix and Obelix from Asterix, the Gaul Warriors!”

Interview room: Gaul Warriors

“Come on, Obelix, this is going to be full of ADVENTURE and DANGER!!!” Asterix said to Obelix.

“And I can use my super strength to get us past any challenge!” Obelix boasted.

“Darn right!” Asterix commented. “I wonder if we’ll swing by Gaul in this race?”

“You know?” Obelix began. “I don’t have any clue! That’s a rather good question!”

</end interview>

The fiftieth duo were two men, both created with 90s ‘state-of-the-art’ 3D modeling. One was bald, wore a blue business suit with a red tie, and was in the middle of a Zoom meeting while the other was dorky, wore glasses, and was modifying a PowerPoint presentation.

“Paul and Chuck from Vox Proxy, the Slide Readers!”

Interview room: Slide Readers

“Hello Chuck!” Paul said to Chuck. “Do you want to see me do a magic trick?”

“Why sure, Paul!” Chuck answered.

Paul proceeded to pull a computer cursor out of Chuck’s ear.

“Ta-dah!” Paul interjected.

“Amazing!” Chuck said while applauding Paul for his magic trick.

</end interview>

The fifty-first duo were two co-worker friends. One was white, er… yellow and wore a green shirt with overalls, while the other was black and wore a gray jacket over his pink shirt.

“Lenny Leonard and Carl Carlson from The Simpsons, the Working and Drinking Pals.”

Interview room: Working and Drinking Pals

“Carl and I have been working at the Springfield Power Plant for…is it 30 years now?” Lenny asked.

“More than that.” Carl answered.

“Geesh!” Lenny exclaimed. “And you haven’t aged a single day!”

“Same with you, Lenny!” Carl said.

</end interview>

The fifty-second duo were two witches from the middle ages. One wore a black outfit while the other wore a white one.

“Bayonetta and Jeanne from Bayonetta, the Umbra Witches!”

Interview room: Umbra Witches

“Well fancy this!” Bayonetta began. “Jeanne and I get to go all around the world for money! Who knows what kind of things we could put the money to?”

“Maybe we can use it against angels somehow!” Jeanne said.

“Elaborate.” Bayonetta said.

“We could buy better weapons, or somehow physically use the money. I’ll think of how that one works later…” Jeanne said.

</end interview>

The fifty-third duo were two stick figures. One wore a blue cap and the other wore a green cap.

“Jase and Jim from Killing Spree, the Stickmen!”

Interview room: Stickmen

“Jimmy and I have been tight for a long time. You don’t want to fuck with us!” Jase said.

“We’ve shot up military bases, stolen cars, destroyed cars…yeah we’re not your friend, pal!” Jim made clear.

</end interview>

The fifty-fourth duo were two world-famous poets. One dressed like it was the 17th century and was working on a poem with quill pen and paper. The other was dressed like it was the 19th century and looked out the window, sighing gloomily.

“William Shakespeare and Edgar Allan Poe, the fine poets!”

Interview room: Fine Poets

“All the world is but a race course. We are the runners.” William Shakespeare declared.

“That’s how it actually is for us.” Poe pointed out.

“Ay! There’s the rub!” Shakespeare exclaimed. “Pass me some rum, please?”

“What are you, a pirate?” Edgar Allan Poe asked. “Fine.” He handed a bottle of rum to Shakespeare, who instantly began drinking it down.

</end interview>

The fifty-fifth duo were two Chicago brothers on the run from the law, both dressed in black suits, black hats, and sunglasses. One was bigger and was smoking a cigarette on the train, while the other was taller and was reading a newspaper.

“You know you can’t smoke on the train, right?” The taller one asked.

“Piss off.” The bigger one snapped.

“Joliet Jake and Elwood Blues from The Blues Brothers, the Brothers in Crime!”

Interview room: Brothers in Crime

“So let me get this straight…” Jake began. “The day I get out of prison, my brother picks me up in a fucking POLICE CAR, and then drives me to the train station…so we can compete in a reality show race?”

“It’s the only way we’ll be able to pay back The Penguin.” Elwood explained. “She won’t accept our money if it’s stolen, remember?”

Jake sighed. “Fuckin’ bitch…” He said, then thought about what he just said. “I mean… Yeah we should try to earn it legally.”

“Whatever’s left over will be spent on gigs with the band and maybe give some to Curtis, yeah?” Elwood suggested.

”What about for our sake?” Jake asked. “We gotta eat too, Elwood!”

“Of course we’ll have some left over for that as well.” Elwood said, patting his brother on the back

</end interview>

The fifty-sixth duo were two white alien people things. One was the father, who was browsing his phone and wasn’t wearing any clothes, while the other was the son, who was eating a bowl of cereal and dressed sharply. The father was also running for president.

“Killface and Simon from Frisky Dingo, the Candidate Father and Son!”

Interview room: Candidate Father and Son

Simon mumbled.

“No I know you didn’t want to be in this, but who else could I have raced with? Crews?” Killface asked.

Simon laughed at Killface’s remark.

“You’re still sticking with me in this though. That’s set.” Killface said.

</end interview>

The fifty-seventh duo were two pirates from the South Asian seas. One was a young, Chinese-American woman, dressed in a revealing outfit and smoking a cigarette, and the other was a former Japanese businessman, still in his business outfit, and eating pizza.

“Revy and Rock from Black Lagoon, the Asian Pirates!”

Interview room: Asian Pirates

“Now listen, Rock.” Revy began. “Benny and Dutch are trusting us to win this race, so if for any reason you cause us to lose, I WILL pop two caps in each of your fucking kneecaps! …And then a third one in your ass.”

“But if you slow us down, can I shoot your kneecaps and/or butt?” Rock asked.

“No, you absolutely fucking can’t!” Revy answered.

“Geez, Revy.” Rock whined. “That doesn’t sound fair at all.”

“ Life isn’t fair, Rock.” Revy said, putting a cigarette in her mouth. “All it is is a bitch.” She lit and smoked her cigarette. “Anyway, it’s first place or bust in this dog-eat-dog reality show, as well as this world.”

Rock sighed.

</end interview>

The fifty-eighth duo were two speechless heroes. One was a man with glasses and was dressed in an armory suit while the other was a woman in a tank top and shorts.

“Gordon Freeman from Half-Life and Chell from Portal, the Silent Heroes!”

Interview room: Silent Heroes

Gordon Freeman and Chell just stayed silent.

</end interview>

The fifty-ninth duo were two police partners. One was a literal butt who was drinking from a flask, and the other was an adult man with gray hair and a mustache. He was eating a sub sandwich.

“Assy McGee and Don Sanchez from Assy McGee, the Police Partners!”

Interview room: Police Partners

Assy let out a fart noise.

“Yeah yeah Assy but let’s face it, there’s money or something waiting for us when we win!” Sanchez pointed out. “We could probably quit the police department!”

“You can. I won’t.” Assy said.

“Suit yourself, Assy.” Sanchez said.

</end interview>

The sixtieth duo were a caveman and a cavewoman, both with experience in vehicle racing.

“Brog and Grag from Cro-Mag Rally, the Primitive Racers!”

Interview room: Primitive Racers

“Remember when Brog and Grag would race in the Cro-Mag Rally?” Brog asked. “Nitros, oil, arrowheads, it was fun!”

“It sure was but Grag doesn't think they will have any of that in The Really Shitty Race.” Grag said.

“Darn shame.” Brog began. “Brog would have a field day with those.”

</end interview>

The sixty-first duo were a boy in a green hero’s outfit and a pirate captain girl.

“Toon Link and Tetra from The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, the Sailor and Pirate!”

Interview room: Sailor and Pirate

Toon Link was jumping in joy and excitement because of the race.

“Yes, Link! I’m very excited too!” Tetra added on. “But settle down for right now because we have to prepare ourselves for the beginning of the race!”

</end interview>

The sixty-second duo were a wealthy man and his butler, both from the 1920s.

“Reginald Jeeves and Bertie Wooster from Jeeves & Wooster, the Richman and Butler!”

Interview room: Richman and Butler

“You realize you already have a lot of money, right?” Wooster asked.

“But Bertie…” Jeeves began. “I could be swimming in this glorious dough!”

“You already own a mansion!” Wooster pointed out.

“And?” Jeeves questioned.

</end interview>

The sixty-third duo were two businessmen with funny computer voices. One was in a blue business suit, doing a Russian dance in the train aisle, and the other was wearing an orange polo and was on his laptop.

“Microsoft Sam and Microsoft Mike from Windows TTS, the Funny Voices!”

Interview room: Funny Voices

“So we decided to extend our legacy to this race thing.” Microsoft Sam said.

“You just gotta be careful with the words you can’t say correctly, Sam.” Microsoft Mike warned.

“I could use them to my advantage.” Microsoft Sam said. “You’ll see…”

</end interview>

The sixty-fourth duo were a man and a woman, both on their laptops, seemingly hard at some sort of work.

“cs188 and DaThings, the YouTube Poopers!”

Interview room: YouTube Poopers

“HAY GUISE!” cs188 began. “I’m cs188, and this is my YTP friend and partner! You can call them DaThings!”

“Memes used to be funny.” DaThings said.

“Yeah but now they’re HILARIOUS!” cs188 added on.

“Not what I was going to say.” DaThings confessed.

</end interview>

Teams revealed so far:

1. Father and Son - Hank Hill and Bobby Hill (King of the Hill)

2. Stoners - Jay and Silent Bob (Askewniverse)

3. Time Leapers - Makoto Konno and Chiaki Mamiya (The Girl Who Leapt Through Time)

4. Big-Eyed Creeps - Obunga and Momo (Creepypasta)

5. Reality TV Alumni - Gwen and DJ (Total Drama Island/Action/World Tour)

6. Objective Players - Assault and Recon (Battlefield)

7. Brigade Leaders - Haruhi Suzumiya and Kyon (The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya)

8. Angel Brothers - Pit and Dark Pit (Kid Icarus)

9. Adventuring Girls - Amalia Sheran Sharm and Evangelyne (Wakfu)

10. Old Movie Stars - Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton (actors)

11. Master and Apprentice - Kumatetsu and Kyuta (The Boy and the Beast)

12. American Presidents - George Washington and Abraham Lincoln (United States presidents)

13. King's Soldiers - Crossbowman and Champion (Age of Empires 2)

14. Anarchy Sisters - Panty Anarchy and Stocking Anarchy (Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt)

15. Primates - Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong (Donkey Kong)

16. Trainer and Trainee - M. Shadows and Ronald McDonald (Avenged Sevenfold/McDonald's)

17. Pokémon Trainers - Red and Leaf (Pokémon)

18. Retail Clerks - Dante Hicks and Randal Graves (Askewniverse)

19. Comedy Duo - Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele (Key & Peele)

20. Honnouji Sisters - Ryuko Matoi and Satsuki Kiryuin (Kill la Kill)

21. Superheroes - The Tick and Arthur Everest (The Tick)

22. Heroic Schoolgirls - Kyoka Jiro and Tsuyu 'Froppy' Asui (My Hero Academia)

23. WAD Gunmen - Doom Marine and Chex Warrior (Doom/Chex Quest)

24. Police Cadets - Sanders and MacArthur (Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race)

25. Sim Couple - Hank Goddard and Pauline Wan (The Sims 3)

26. Grandfather and Grandson - Rick Sanchez and Morty Smith (Rick and Morty)

27. Professor Brothers - Frank Smith and Steve Smith (China, IL)

28. Principal and Superintendent - Seymour Skinner and Gary Chalmers (The Simpsons)

29. Monstrous Men - Mark Lilly and Randall Skeffington (Ugly Americans)

30. Perfect Couple - Bill Gates and Satan (real life/Bible)

31. Jungle Men - George of the Jungle (2007) and Ape (2007) (George of the Jungle (2007 series))

32. Knuckleheads - Tomo Takino and Kagura (Azumanga Daioh)

33. Schmucks - Jimmy Pee and Thuggy Reals (Threebrain)

34. Future Friends - Philip J. Fry and Bender Bending Rodriguez (Futurama)

35. Working Bros - Mordecai and Rigby (Regular Show)

36. Ball Masters - Ace Ambling and Gaz Digzy (Ballmastrz: 9009)

37. Soul Reapers - Ichigo Kurosaki and Rukia Kuchiki (Bleach)

38. Comfort Friends - Orihime Inoue and Tatsuki Arisawa (Bleach)

39. Metal Guitarists - Skwisgaar Skwigelf and Toki Wartooth (Metalocalypse)

40. Tactical Spies - Solid Snake and Raiden (Metal Gear)

41. Bounty Hunters - Samus Aran and Captain Falcon (Metroid/F-Zero)

42. Ice Climbers - Popo and Nana (Ice Climber)

43. Young Adventurers - Bill S. Preston and Ted Logan (Bill & Ted)

44. Same-Name Brothers - Big Pete Wrigley and Little Pete Wrigley (The Adventures of Pete and Pete)

45. Mario Brothers - Mario and Luigi (Super Mario Bros.)

46. Zombie Killers - Tank Dempsey and Edward Richtofen (Call of Duty Zombies)

47. Phil Vocalists - Phil Anselmo and Phil Bozeman (Pantera/Whitechapel)

48. Email Checker and Terrific Athlete - Strong Bad and Homestar Runner (Homestar Runner)

49. Gaul Warriors - Asterix and Obelix (Asterix)

50. Slide Readers - Paul and Chuck (Vox Proxy)

51. Working and Drinking Pals - Lenny Leonard and Carl Carlson (The Simpsons)

52. Umbra Witches - Bayonetta and Jeanne (Bayonetta)

53. Stickmen - Jase and Jim (Killing Spree)

54. Fine Poets - William Shakespeare and Edgar Allan Poe (poets)

55. Brothers in Crime - Joliet 'Jake' Blues and Elwood Blues (The Blues Brothers)

56. Candidate Father and Son - Killface and Simon (Frisky Dingo)

57. Asian Pirates - Rebecca 'Revy' Lee and Rokuro 'Rock' Okajima (Black Lagoon)

58. Silent Heroes - Gordon Freeman and Chell (Half-Life/Portal)

59. Police Partners - Assy McGee and Don Sanchez (Assy McGee)

60. Primitive Racers - Brog and Grag (Cro-Mag Rally)

61. Sailor and Pirate - Toon Link and Tetra (The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker)

62. Richman and Butler - Reginald Jeeves and Bertie Wooster (Jeeves & Wooster)

63. Funny Voices - Microsoft Sam and Microsoft Mike (Windows TTS)

64. YouTube Poopers - cs188 and DaThings (YouTube Poop)

Notes:

Woooaahh we're halfway there!
WOOOOAAAAAHHH MONKEY WITH A PEAR!!!!
...I couldn't think of another rhyme. Shut up.
Anyway, stayed tuned for the next reveals.

Chapter 3: Meet the Everybody, pt. 3: Electric Burglary

Summary:

Teams 65 - 96

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The sixty-fifth duo were two cool kids with psychic powers. One had black hair and wore a red and blue ball cap while the other had blonde hair.

“Ness and Lucas from Earthbound and Mother 3, the Psychic Kids!”

Interview room: Psychic Kids

“Here’s the thing, though. Lucas is quite cowardly. I gotta make sure he survives and gets through each challenge without going chicken on me.” Ness said.

“Th-Thanks Ness.” Lucas said. “I owe you one BIG TIME!”

</end interview>

The sixty-sixth duo were two men clad in black suits and neckties. They worked with and fought aliens for a living.

“Agent K and Agent J from Men in Black, the Men in Black!”

Interview room: Men in Black

“We have been hunting aliens for a long time now, haven’t we K?” J said, beginning a conversation.

“Yes we sure have.” K answered. “Now tell me, where did I put my neuralizer?”

“You know, I don’t know either!” Agent J answered honestly.

“Did Don ever say anything about taking our weapons and gizmos?” Agent K asked.

“I absolutely don’t remember!” Agent J said.

Footage shows that earlier, Don used the Men in Black’s neuralizers on them.

</end interview>

The sixty-seventh duo were two funny high school girls with W-shaped mouths. The one with short, pigtailed, blonde hair was looking out the window of the train while the one with the long, blue hair and the bow was vibing to her music.

“Popuko and Pipimi from Pop Team Epic, the Funny Girls!”

Interview room: Funny Girls

“I’m gonna cause so much mischief it will put us far ahead!” Popuko boasted.

“Too bad my gun got taken.” Pipimi said. “I totally could have used it to threaten us into first place!”

“…Oh.” Popuko blurted, disappointed.

</end interview>

The sixty-eighth duo were two teenage girls. One was blonde and the other had black hair.

“Betty Cooper and Veronica Lodge from Archie, the Girl Frenemies!”

Interview room: Girl Frenemies

“Of course, here I am with Ronnie.” Betty said. “Didn’t want it to be this way, but oh well.”

“Yeah, well you wouldn’t be better off racing with Archie!” Veronica mentioned.

“Neither would you.” Betty pointed out.

</end interview>

The sixty-ninth (nice) duo were two of Inkopolis’ biggest pop stars. One was an inkling with black tentacle hair, while the other had light gray tentacle hair.

“Callie and Marie from Splatoon, the Squid Sisters!”

Interview room: Squid Sisters

The two squids spoke in Inkling language. Subtitles appeared below them.

“Hold on to your tentacles!” Callie said.

“Callie and I are legit in this race to win it!” Marie boasted.

“Until next time…: Callie began.

“…STAY FRESH!” The two said together, signing off.

</end interview>

The seventieth duo were another Inkopolis pair; one Inkling and one Octoling. They were also a big name duo.

“Pearl and Marina from Splatoon 2, aka Off the Hook!”

Interview room: Off the Hook

The two spoke in Inkling language, with subtitles below them.

“Yo waddup it’s me, Pearl!” Pearl introduced. “This is my partner in crime, Marina!”

“Actually, we’re not criminals.” Marina admitted.

“Get with the game, Marina! I was using a figure of speech!” Pearl admitted.

“Oh. My bad.” Marina said. “Well, until next time…”

“Don’t get cooked…” Pearl began the sign-off.

“…Stay off the hook!” Marina finished the sign-off.

</end interview>

The seventy-first duo were two mischievous kids. One had the necktie and the flat-top and the other had the T-shirt and the bad haircut. Remember that now.

“George Beard and Harold Hutchins from Captain Underpants, the Troublesome Kids!”

Interview room: Troublesome Kids

“Harold and I have a VERY bad reputation!” George began. “…Or at least that’s what our school gave us.”

“Who knows what kind of pranks we’ll be pulling throughout this race? I don’t even know!” Harold said with excitement.

“Heck I don’t even know myself!” George admitted. “Hopefully we won’t need the help of Captain Underpants at any point.”

“Then let’s avoid needing it.” Harold said.

</end interview>

The seventy-second duo were two fitness trainers who were as pale as could be. One was a guy and the other was a girl.

Male and Female Wii Fit Trainer from Wii Fit, the Wii Fit Trainers!”

Interview room: Wii Fit Trainers

“It’s time to tuck in those glutes! Male and I are about to get SUPER SERIOUS!!!” Female Wii Fit Trainer said.

“Oh you know that’s right! We’ll outrun each and every one of you!” Male Wii Fit Trainer threatened.

“You can’t stop us.” Female Wii Fit Trainer said.

</end interview>

The seventy-third duo were two muscular, well-trained street fighters. One had black hair and wore a white outfit with a red headband while the other had blonde hair and wore a red outfit.

“Ryu and Ken from Street Fighter, the Street Fighters!”

Interview room: Street Fighters

“Street Fighter? Now we’re about to enter Street Runner!” Ryu joked.

“And we’ll be running barefoot!” Ken admitted. “I hear it’s better than running with shoes on.”

“And where exactly did you hear that?” Ryu asked Ken.

“I know my sources.” Ken said. “Aren’t you running barefoot as well?”

“Touche.” Ryu said.

</end interview>

The seventy-fourth duo were two soldiers. One was American and the other was Russian. They met in Iran during combat.

“Blackburn and Dima from Battlefield 3, the Soldiers!”

Interview room: Soldiers

“I met Dima during the terror attack of 2014.” Blackburn began. “I stopped that terrorist scum Solomon from blowing up New York City.”

“I met up with Blackburn over here while trying to stop Kaffarov. We have become great comrades since then!” Dima said. “Perhaps some military muscle is required for such a race.”

“And that right there is a definite truth.” Blackburn said.

</end interview>

The seventy-fifth duo were two high school boys. One was a dorky white boy with curly hair and glasses, and the other was a latino boy who was running for school office.

“Napoleon Dynamite and Pedro Sanchez from Napoleon Dynamite, the High school Buds!”

Interview room: High School Buds

“I was elected school president and my buddy Napoleon endorsed me every step of the way.” Pedro said.

“Hey, have you seen my Chapstick?” Napoleon asked. “My lips are hurting real bad again!”

“I think you left your Chapstick at home.” Pedro said.

Napoleon checked his pockets in a panic. There was no Chapstick.

“ARGH!” Napoleon cried. “IDIOT!!!”

</end interview>

The seventy-sixth duo were two detective partners. One had red hair and a goatee while the other was blonde and wore glasses.

“John 'Stroker' Strockmeyer and Hoop Schwartz from Stroker & Hoop, the Detective Partners!”

Interview room: Detective Partners

“Okay, Hoop. You’ve got to stop the fairytale shenanigans and just get with this!” Stroker reminded Hoop.

“Sure thing, Stroker!” Hoop began. “Let me just check the messages on my phone.” Hoop proceeded to pull out his phone and look at the emails he got. “Let’s see…penis enlargement, penis enlargement, penis enlargement…Oh that’s right! We did sign up for and get accepted into this race!” Stroker facepalmed.

</end interview>

The seventy-seventh duo were two young women with attitude. One was blonde and had her hair in a ponytail, while the other one was Asian and had short, black hair.

“Eva Sirkowski and Blackie Chan from Miss Dynamite, the Bad Bitches!”

Interview room: Bad Bitches

“Blackie and I have done a lot, from killing the Backstreet Boys to getting to destinations via pogo stick.” Eva said.

“Will we pogo our way through this race?” Blackie asked.

“I don’t think that will happen.” Eva began. “Not even just for a little bit.”

</end interview>

The seventy-eighth duo were two objects with faces. Both of them loved to help around the office. One was a paperclip and the other was a ball.

“Clippit and Dot from Microsoft Office, the Office Assistants!”

Interview room: Office Assistants

“We needed to do something after Microsoft let us go back in 2007.” Clippit said through a word cloud.

“I’ve known Clippit since 1997 and he and I have been SUPER tight over the years!” Dot said through a word cloud. “…Did you know I was also on Microsoft Bob?”

“I remember you telling me that once.” Clippit said through a word cloud.

</end interview>

The seventy-ninth duo were two young dudes who loved to rock out to the finest rock and roll. One had long black hair and a black cap, while the other had blonde hair and glasses. They were playing air guitar in their train seats.

“Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar from Wayne’s World, the Rocking Friends!”

Interview room: Rocking Friends

“Hooooly crap dude! Wayne managed to get us in this race!” Garth said in excitement.

“And when we win, we’re moving to the most expensive neighborhood in all of LA!” Wayne said. “Which neighborhood is that again?”

“I dunno.” Garth said. “We might find out if we hit LA in the race, though!”

</end interview>

The eightieth duo were an 8-year-old boy and his imaginary friend.

“Mac and Bloo from Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends, the Boy and IF!”

Interview room: Boy and IF

“So what if I’m just an imaginary friend?” Bloo asked. “A friend in general is all you need to do something like this!”

“At least you exist… in a real enough form.” Mac pointed out.

“Um, Mac? What?” Bloo asked, confused.

“I mean others can see, hear, and interact with you.” Mac said. “What if they’re all racing with imaginary friends themselves?”

“GAH Mac you’re going a little too deep there!” Bloo said, stopping Mac.

</end interview>

The eighty-first duo were two men who were part of a late night show. One was running back and forth in the middle of the train while screaming at the top of his lungs, while the other was simply watching him do so.

“Eric Andre and Hannibal Buress from The Eric Andre Show, the Late Night Show Hosts!”

Interview room: Late Night Show Hosts

“Soooo… Hannibal… give us your absolute honest opinion on shows like The Really Shitty Race.” Eric Andre said.

“Competitive reality TV, or…?” Hannibal said, unsure of the question.

Eric gave Hannibal a ‘come on’ gesture.

“Hey, hey, hey cameraman, zoom in on me.” Hannibal said to the camera crew.

The camera zoomed in right on Hannibal’s face.

“Bitch.”

A “We’ll be right back” card appeared, music and all.

“Huh? Did we do that?” A member of the camera crew could be heard asking.

</end interview>

The eighty-second duo were two space astronauts from a far-off planet. Normally, they would be ridiculously tiny, but for the sake of this show/fanfic, they were grown to size.

“Olimar and Louie from Pikmin, the Space Captains!”

Interview room: Space Captains

Olimar and Louie spoke in their own language about how they were ready to endure a race without any handicaps, such as Pikmin.

</end interview>

The eighty-third duo were two British dudes who played in a rock band together. One had short hair, stubble, and played bass and sang. The other guy had a ball cap, a short beard, and played the drums.

“Mike Kerr and Ben Thatcher from Royal Blood, the Bassist and Drummer!”

Interview room: Bassist and Drummer

“Greetings. I’m Mike.” Mike introduced himself.

“I’m Ben.” Ben said.

“We’re the two members of the band Royal Blood.” Mike said.

“And we’re here to race and do bizarre things and go around the world, all for money!” Mike said. “Just so long as no alcohol drinking is involved!”

“I could go for a drink right about now…” Ben said.

“You can, but count me out.” Mike said.

</end interview>

The eighty-fourth duo were two devil sisters. One had green hair while the other had light blue hair and wore glasses.

“Scanty and Kneesocks from Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt, the Devil Sisters!”

Interview room: Devil Sisters

“Kneesocks, can you believe we are in the same race as those angel sluts?” Scanty began. “I sure hope we get further than they do!”

“Same here!” Kneesocks said. “They’re nothing but bad news.”

The two did their 90s anime ‘OHOHOHO’ laugh.

</end interview>

The eighty-fifth duo were two strong dudes. One was a big Russian and had no hat or hair, save for the stubble, and the other was smaller and wore a cap.

“Heavy Weapons Guy and Scout from Team Fortress 2, the Red Teammates!”

Interview room: Red Teammates

“So Mr. Heavy right here and I are doing this so we can save the TF2 community!” Scout said.

“OUR FANS AND THE OTHER TEAMMATES BACK REALLY NEED THE SUPPORT!” Heavy shouted. “HOME, KEEP MY SANDVICH SAFE, AND DON’T EVEN THINK OF BITING INTO IT!”

</end interview>

The eighty-sixth duo were two cavemen-turned-militia. One was topless and usually had a club. The other one wore a loincloth and usually had an ax on him.

“Clubman and Axman from Age of Empires, the Primitive Soldiers!”

Interview room: Primitive Soldiers

“Rogan?” Clubman asked.

“Erectus.” Axman responded. “Abadacus?”

“Zukata.” Clubman responded.

</end interview>

The eighty-seventh duo were two rude and immature Filipino-American dudes in their late 20s. One had a gray cap and a black shirt that read ‘GOT NUTZ’ with an arrow pointing down. The other one had a red shirt with no design on it.

“Phil Matibag and Jack Collerro from The Nutshack, the Rude Cousins!”

Interview room: Rude Cousins

“Wassup fuckaz?” Phil asked in his obnoxious voice. He stuck out both of his middle fingers. “I’m Phil from the ‘Sco and this is Jacker from the P.I.!”

“Nice to meeting you.” Jack said while waving at the camera.

“Maaan, Tito Dick’s gonna lose his balls so hard when he sees us win! Chita’s probably rootin’ for us too!”

“Chita…” Jack said, lovestruck.

“Oh square the fuck up, Jacker!” Phil snapped at Jack.

</end interview>

The eighty-eighth duo were two middle school kids. They were also cousins. One was a girl who looked like she shopped at Hot Topic, while the other was some ‘cool’ guy wearing lots of green in his outfit.

“Birch Small and Liam Coll from My Life Me, the Podmates!”

Interview room: Podmates

“We’ve been working our butts off to get prepared for this show!” Liam said. “Birch and I had to get lots of training!”

“Raffi, Sandra, please cheer us on!” Birch said. “It would really mean a lot to us!”

</end interview>

The eighty-ninth duo were two young adult men. One had a thick beard while the other had a chest tattoo. They were also bandmates.

“Zack Lopez and Sean Stockham from Middle Class Rut, the Heavy Rockers!”

Interview room: Heavy Rockers

“What can we say?” Zack began. “We had a big song 10 years ago, and then everyone moved on.”

“Shame.” Sean added. “Our music is so groundbreaking. Pete from Chevelle even likes us. Oh well. Maybe when we win this race, people will care about us again.”

</end interview>

The ninetieth duo were two weird… things. One was a pink, solid thing shaped like two balls conjoined by a thin joint, and the other was a blue hand with one eye in the middle, as well as a mouth.

“Krentz and the Hand of Shame from Krentz and the Hand of Shame, the Two Things!”

Interview room: Two Things

“Make a sentence outta these words!” Krentz began. “I, excited, to, be, in, this, race… am!”

“On, on, on, on, on, on, on, on!” The Hand of Shame said.

</end interview>

The ninety-first duo were two famous rappers who used to be in a big rap group together.

“Tyler, the Creator and Earl Sweatshirt from Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All, the Rappers!”

Interview room: Rappers

“Yo ‘sup, it’s Golf Wang boy Tyler!” Tyler began.

“And I’m Earl Sweatshirt!” Earl said.

“Trip around the world for some serious cheese!” Tyler said.

“We will do with it as we fucking please!” Earl rhymed.

“Odd Future gonna have a goddamn reunion tour!” Tyler continued.

“And if you miss out on it, you’re a fucking whore!” Earl finished the rhyme.

</end interview>

The ninety-second duo were a hotel tycoon from Budapest and his trusty busboy.

“M. Gustave and Zero Moustafa from The Grand Budapest Hotel, the Hotel Owner and Busboy!”

Interview room: Hotel Owner and Busboy

“Zero and I have been making big business!” M. Gustave boasted. “We’ve been working at a hotel in Budapest and on the run from the authorities for… reasons.”

“I help M. Gustave out whenever he needs it, and throughout this race, he could really use my help.” Zero said.

</end interview>

The ninety-third duo were two men with dirty minds. One was blonde, and the other had brown hair.

“Beavis and Butthead from Beavis & Butthead, the Immature Dudes!”

Interview room: Immature Dudes

“So like, I hope we at least make it to 69th place.” Beavis said. He let out his usual chuckle.

“69, that’s the sex number!” Butthead mentioned. The two began chuckling harder.

</end interview>

The ninety-fourth duo were a scientist man and his dog.

“Wallace and Gromit from Wallace and Gromit, the Science Duo!”

Interview room: Science Duo

“Let’s see if we’ve packed everything we need for the race.” Wallace said. He dug through his belongings.

Gromit watched Wallace look through the bag.

“Cheese, check. Especially Wensleydale. Gotta have that.” Wallace said out loud. “Crackers, check. Water, check. Bug spray, check. Sunscreen, check…”

</end interview>

The ninety-fifth duo were a yellow and an orange Muppet, respectively.

“Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street, the Muppet Friends!”

Interview room: Muppet Friends

“Hey Ernie, how long have we been friends now?” Bert asked.

“Why, since the day we met and bonded!” Ernie said.

“Right, but what day was that again?” Bert asked.

“It was November 10, 1969!” Ernie answered. “My, you haven’t aged a day, Bert!”

“Thanks!” Bert said. “Neither have you, Ernie.”

Ernie looked at his hands.

</end interview>

The ninety-sixth duo were two attorneys, clad in courtroom attire.

“Charles Gilman and Briggs Bedigian, aka The Heavy Hitters, the Law Firm!”

Interview room: Law Firm

“Hi, I’m attorney Charles Gilman!” Gilman began.

“And I’m attorney Briggs Bedigian!” Bedigian added.

“We’re very well aware.” The cameraman said from behind the camera.

“Okay, that’s really not necessary!” Gilman snapped.

“Gilman, no…” Bedigian began, but Gilman walked over and punched the cameraman in the face. A ‘technical difficulties’ card popped up, accompanied by some smooth jazz music.