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“No Cas, I’m not gonna tell him.”
“Why Dean? He was fine finding out about us.”
Dean had nothing to say to that. It surprised him just as much, he thought his dad would freak out and yell at him. He would almost prefer that over this. He feels uncertain, like the other shoe can drop any moment now.
He turned away from Cas, not knowing what to say to that, he had too many thoughts going through his head and he didn’t even know why himself. How could he explain, it’s just that the idea alone makes him want to puke. He’s going to make it his life mission to never show his arms ever again while John Winchester was in the room. He can never see what Dean has done to his own body. Dean doesn’t want him to see all the scars, he’s already enough of a failure as it is.
“Wait Dean” Cas grabbed his arm and gently tugged. He stepped closer easily.
“If you don’t want to tell him, fine”
“Uhh yeah no I don’t. It’s just– uhh I don’t know, but you won’t say anything right?”
Dean looked at Cas pleadingly, he has to have Cas by his side with this. He’s already worrying enough, he can’t worry about someone else telling without his permission.
Cas opened his arms and Dean stepped inside. His breath left him and he tries to let go of the tension that has been steadily building since his dad came back from the dead with it. Feeling Cas’ arms around him grounds him.
—
Seeing his dad was a shock. Understatement of the century. Realising how much his life has changed since he last saw his dad was what almost did him in. He felt instant embarrassment, as if he wasn’t the happiest he’s ever been in his entire life. He still felt guilty for some reason, which he knows is absolute bullcrap.
He felt stuck. He didn’t know how to act, how to talk, but then Castiel walked into the room and he felt his tension leave. That only lasted a second before it dawned on him. How was Dean ever going to explain that he was in a relationship with a man, an angel no less. His heart sank, he did his absolute best to not revert back to his old thinking ways. He was not going to feel embarrassment about this. Cas is the best thing that has happened to him.
Before he could even make up a plan, Castiel shoved those unfinished ideas off the table.
“Honey? Jack asked me to tell you— Oh is that… that’s John Winchester.” It was more of a statement than it was a question.
Castiel looked from Dean to John back to Dean. He must have seen the panic in Dean’s eyes because he immediately went to Dean’s side. He stood close, but still a respectable distance away. Dean was grateful for the proximity.
He didn’t know how to explain the situation, didn’t know where to even begin. Dean could feel himself shutting down and this was totally not the right moment, but he couldn’t do anything about it but look pleadingly to Cas. He tried to silently convey that he needed help. Whenever he was feeling like this, communication was a no go, he couldn’t even pray in this state. Luckily Castiel has been there to help, even if he can’t pray, Cas knows just what to do.
“And this is?” John asked Dean, not even looking at Castiel directly.
“Hello, I’m Cas, Castiel Winchester.” He sounded polite but Dean could see Castiel was on the defensive, just daring him to cause trouble. He wishes Cas would turn it down a notch, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t appreciate it.
“Okaayy,” Still looking at Dean, raising his right eyebrow questioningly he added. “and what is he? Because he’s sure as hell ain’t human!”
Dean could only swallow and look around searching for a way to end this conversation. His throat was all closed up. The way his dad was reacting wasn’t helping, not that he expected anything else.
“I’m an angel and I’m right here.”
Dean slowly released his breath he was holding, he’s glad Castiel isn’t letting John walk right over him but then Cas said, “Dean and I are together” and his heartbeat seemed to skip a beat.
Oh fuck, oh fuck.
But then John did the unthinkable and didn’t even move a muscle, as if it was old news to him and not the end of the friggin world. He finally put his attention on Castiel and Dean felt just a bit more safe to move his own face again.
“So who’s Jack?” John asked instead.
And wait what? Is he not even going to scream at him? What the absolute fuck.
—
“Dean why are you still wearing that flannel, it’s hot out here.”
Dean thought Sam would understand, he was raised by John Winchester too, so he didn’t get why he had to explain. Not that he even knew how. His thoughts were all over the place. It just filled him with immediate dread just thinking about it, so he’d rather not. He’s going to take these scars to his grave.
That he felt comfortable showing his scars before John didn’t mean anything, he wanted them gone right this second. He felt sweaty with embarrassment. The embarrassment fuelled the self hatred and the only way he knew how to deal with self hatred was punishment. Which made him want to scream and shout because that was the problem in the first place.
He needed to find cas.
He ignored Sam and just continued on with cooking. It really was hot, especially with the three pans on the stove. He’s damned if he’s going to take his flannel off though so he’s just going to have to deal.
Sam walked over and acted as if he was helping, whispering he asked, “Is this about the scars?”
Dean wanted to grab one of the pans and hit Sam’s face with it. Instead he could only make the bitchiest face he could manage and hope his dad wouldn’t be curious as to what they were talking about.
“YES, it’s about the scars. What did you think it was? I’m just doing this because I want to break the world record of sweating the most? The fuck Sam, keep your mouth shut. Bitch.”
Sam rolled his eyes.
“If you don’t want my help you can just say so. Jerk.” Sam said out loud.
And he finally stepped away and resumed talking to John. Dean did his best to shut everything out and only focus on the welcome home dinner he was making.
—
After dinner Sam and Dean stayed in the kitchen to wash up. Castiel offered to help but he sent him along to do whatever Cas and Jack were doing before he called them to dinner. John went away on his own.
“You know, you should just tell him, or show him. He needs to know.”
“He needs to know jackshit, now drop it Sam. I mean it.”
“But why? Maybe it will shock him into being better. He will finally have proof that he was a shitty dad.”
“Sam.” He looked at Sam effectively ending the conversation and continued scrubbing the dirty plates and giving them to Sam to dry.
—
Lying next to Cas didn’t even feel as comforting as it should. He felt shaky and uncomfortable. Today has been wild the moment he saw his dad standing in the flesh right in front of him.
“You okay?” Cas asked while turning off the bedside lamp.
“Don’t know actually. I feel–“ Dean shifted closer to Cas. “Weird.” He eventually added.
“That’s totally understandable”
Dean didn’t know what to say so he just snuggled up and breathed in deep. The smell of Cas filled his nostrils and calmed him down, finally.
“You want to talk about it?”
He was quiet for a while but then talked about what was on his mind.
“You really think I should tell him? Or show him?”
“Not necessarily no. Just don’t hide, I don’t like seeing you hide Dean. But if you don’t think it’s safe then, I understand. I mean, from what I’ve heard I think maybe you’re right.”
“But Sam. He thought I should just show him, like that will change his mind. I thought he at least would know that dad wouldn’t react well. But now I’m confused.”
“What are you confused about?”
“It’s just that– We both grew up with dad and I thought that it would be a given that dad is just gonna be hella mad if he’d know. I’m convinced of it.”
“Do you think it’s because John always took his anger out on you, you know better but maybe Sam thinks that showing the consequences of John’s actions will shock him?”
“Huh? Yeah I guess.. I mean I’m fine with him saying that he’s failed as a father, but I don’t think using my scars is a valid way to let him realise that. And Sam thinks he’ll be sorry, but I do not want dad to know when there’s a chance he might not feel sorry at all. I’d rather stay in the dark.
“Because I really think he’ll get mad, he won’t understand at all. You’ve all been so understanding or at least respectful and I’m scared. I’m scared that dad will hate me when he sees. He’ll tear me a new one. I’m sure of it.”
“Sam won’t tell you know.”
He was probably quiet for a second too long because Castiel squeezed him tighter. Dean’s head was in the crook of Cas’ neck, he felt safe. Safer than he’s ever felt before.
“I know.”