Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It had just turned 3:00 PM a few minutes ago. You had clocked out at work the second the clock hit three. Still sitting at your desk, you unlock your phone to check on the status of the Spree you just ordered. 

Normally, you like to take long walks to and from work. It’s the only exercise you enjoy doing. Now that it’s springtime in California, it’s gotten too hot to walk home. You don’t have a car of your own, and the bus doesn’t go towards your house. So, you’re often forced to order a Spree to get home.

Staring back at you on your screen was the face of a man with big brown eyes who looked about your age. He had a dorky smile and held up a peace sign. It was kind of cute. Under his photo was the name “Kurt”. And Kurt was about two minutes away. 

Because you’re a secretary at an insurance company, your desk is the front desk in the lobby. From your desk, you have a good view of the parking lot and side street outside. When you first started here, the giant windows made you feel like you were being watched, but you quickly got used to it.

The next time you looked up, the silver Prius you were expecting pulled into the parking lot. You picked up your backpack and left the building. The sun shone even brighter outside and you lifted a hand to shield your face from it.

When you reached the car, you opened the door and got into the backseat, setting your backpack beside you. The air conditioned vehicle already felt much better than the ninety-degree weather outside.

A friendly call of your name had you looking up towards the front of the car. You met your driver’s eyes in the rearview mirror. He gave you a polite, yet slightly awkward smile, and a small wave.

“Hey, I’m Kurt, your Spree driver. And you are going to…” He took a moment to look at the GPS on his phone before reading out your address.

You nodded and hummed an affirmation. You also couldn’t help but give him a polite smile back.

Wordlessly, he put the car in drive and left the parking lot. Once on the road, you reached behind yourself to put on your seatbelt. You stopped your movements half-way and froze in place.

You were making eye-contact with a camera, probably looking like a fish out of water as you gawked at it.

Tearing your eyes away from it, you looked around the car. A camera was mounted on every window, including one on the dashboard.

“Hey, uh, Kurt?” You asked wearily while your concern was obvious in your expression.

He perked up at the sound of his name and asked, “What’s up?”

“What’s with all of the cameras?” You asked, still looking around the car.

You’ve probably looked directly into most of them by this point. Oh Jesus, there was one behind you too.

“Oh yeah, hope you don’t mind. It’s for my protection,” He explained before flashing a peace sign at the camera on the window beside him.

You eyed him suspiciously. This better not be a Cash Cab situation. You have just worked an eight-hour shift and you are not in the right mindset to be answering trivia. Kurt wasn’t dressed like a gameshow host, though. He was just wearing a plain blue shirt… His hair was pretty greasy too.

And you’re pretty sure they haven’t aired Cash Cab in years.

“What sort of crime scene are you preparing for, dude? You have like every possible angle of the car covered,” You asked with slight amusement in your tone to mask how weirded-out you were.

Kurt shrugged with a smile while staring directly into the camera on his dashboard. 

“Crime can happen anywhere, you know? It’s best to capture everything. You don’t- I don’t want to miss anything,” Kurt clumsily explained.

Kurt spoke like he was trying to teach you something. It felt disingenuous. You didn’t know if you found it more funny or condescending.

Before you could think of a reply to that, Kurt offered, “By the way, I have some free waters back there. Feel free to drink one, as they are free.”

You have a feeling that the waters are free. Probably from the multiple times Kurt pitched them to you in those couple sentences.

Reaching forward, you wrap your hand around the short neck of the bottle. You frown and lean back, leaving the water on the back of the seat. They were room temperature. You weren’t super thirsty and your house was only fifteen minutes away. You could wait until you got home.

“I’m alright. Thanks though,” You reply.

Kurt looked disappointed that you didn’t take him up on his offer of a free bottle of water. There were a lot of waters back here. He must not get many takers. With his large brown eyes, he looked even more like a kicked puppy. That alone was almost enough to make you take one to be nice.

“This is boring. Do something.”

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. That feminine robotic voice most definitely didn’t belong to Kurt. You watched enough streams in your alone time (all the time) to know that was the sound of a donation coming through.

Looking in the rearview mirror again, you can see Kurt looking back at you with a slight guilty look. Your eyes flicked back down to the dashboard, where Kurt’s phone was hooked up next to the camera.

“Dude,” You started in exasperation, “Are you streaming right now?”

Kurt’s guilt morphed into enthusiasm. He grinned at you and you could see a flash of his surprisingly white teeth.

“Yeah, I’m just doing a little tutorial for my followers. Teaching them how to grow their numbers and stuff like that. If you like streams, you should check me out at Kurtsworld96. You can also use hashtag “The Lesson” and you’ll probably find me. Follow for follow?” Kurt rattled off while holding up another peace sign like he was reading from a script, but a script he enjoyed.

You stared at him blankly. Your ride home was being streamed? To how many people? Is this even entertaining? And just like that, you felt very self-conscious.

You have a feeling that the guilt from earlier was aimed towards his viewers and not towards you.

Your mild attraction to the weirdo in the driver’s seat diminished. He was someone you see almost every day in California. Someone desperate for fame and recognition. From looking at him, you can tell he probably tried gaming first before… livestreaming his Spree rides? He just has that look about him.

After undoing your seatbelt, you scooted to the middle seat to get closer. You leaned over to get a better look at the driver’s phone.

“How is this a tutorial? You’ve just been doing the usual Spree driving stuff this whole time,” You ask idly, mostly to distract him from you getting into his personal space.

On the screen, you can see your own face staring back at you curiously. You can also see Kurt glancing back and forth from the road to the screen. There was only one person in the chat… and only one viewer.

Okay, now you felt considerably less self-conscious, but nowhere near comfortable.

“Right now, we’re just- It’s- We’re taking a little break from the tutorial. Are you sure you’re not thirsty?” Kurt asked with a gesture pointing to the backseat.

You took that as a hint that your presence right next to him was making him uncomfortable. You leaned back into the seat to give him some space.

“I’m pretty sure…” You trailed off.

Then, you spoke the first thoughts that came to your mind, “Why didn’t you just tell me from the start that you were streaming? …Please tell me this isn’t a porn thing. I’m sorry, but I’m really not interested in making money like that.”

You knew he wouldn’t try fucking you while streaming. That doesn’t seem like the kind of fame he’s after. And he’d get banned immediately after the stream was over if you took your pants off. You mostly asked just to see what his reaction would be.

Kurt obviously didn’t expect this round of questioning and his face fell. He shook his head slightly.

He started mildly alarmed, “No, no, this isn’t a sex tape or anything-”

“Good idea. You should fuck lmao,” The robotic donation voice said.

You scoff, “Eww, Kurt.”

“I didn’t say that!” He snapped at you more in annoyance than anger.

Then his attention turned back towards his phone and he lectured quietly, “That isn’t what The Lesson is about, and you know it, Bobby.”

You had to stop yourself from openly laughing at Kurt trying to keep his stream together. 

It’s kind of sad, but this is the most fun you’ve had in a while. You aren’t openly showing it, instead putting your concerned disgust primarily on display. Your life is kind of boring and you don’t talk to many people outside of work. Clowning on a streamer desperate for fame is what’s giving you the serotonin you crave. Yeah, it’s a little sad.

“Who’s Bobby?” You ask curiously, looking for something to further fluster Kurt with.

Kurt looked back at you at the question. His facial features softened again with a smile.

“You know, Bobby Basecamp? Huge streamer, and he’s watching right now.”

Kurt looked at the closest camera and waved before saying, “Shout out to Bobby Basecamp. He’s giving me a shout out too… Later tonight, when The Lesson picks up steam.”

You have no idea who “Bobby Basecamp” is.

“I have no idea who “Bobby Basecamp” is,” You tell Kurt, unimpressed.

You watch a lot of streamers, so if this guy is huge like Kurt says, he must not fit into the genres you watch. 

Kurt looks at you in shock before saying, “Bobby Basecamp games and- and he made “Homeless Hero”. It went super viral.”

“Is he one of those guys that just uses homeless people for clout? That’s like next-level heartless,” You said in mild disgust and crossed your arms over your chest. 

No wonder you don’t watch that guy. Those people are a plague to society and only care about money. If they actually gave a shit about homeless people, they wouldn’t upload themselves helping them out.

Kurt opened his mouth, presumably to defend said plague, but was cut off by a donation message.

“If you think that’s heartless, you should see what Kurt’s doing.”

As much of a tool as Bobby seemed to be, you couldn’t help but grab at another opportunity to make fun of Kurt. You feel less bad about it this time. Kurt apparently looks for attention from people who make homeless clout videos, after all.

“Wow, Kurt. How low are you planning on stooping today? Are you going to light a cat on fire? Steal literal candy from babies? Kill me and dump my body in a ditch?” You accuse, some amusement bleeding out into your voice.

Kurt slammed his hands onto the steering wheel and complained, “This is not great- entertaining content, guys. I’m the one- I’m supposed to be doing The Lesson, but I might have to skip some steps if things aren’t progressing the way they’re supposed to.”

You have no idea if he’s talking to you or Bobby. He can’t be talking to his viewers, because he doesn’t have any, other than Bobby. He never did explain to you what “The Lesson” was about except for something about growing numbers.

“He’s planning on doing the last one,” The robotic voice announced.

By “last one”, you assume Bobby is talking about your last accusation towards Kurt. That he was planning on murdering you. You didn’t want to, but you laughed at Bobby’s joke.

“Please don’t kill me,” You pleaded with zero urgency or worry in your tone. 

Kurt frowned and looked into one of the cameras, but didn’t respond to you. When he looked back at the dash, he swore under his breath.

He met your eyes in the rearview mirror and said, “I’m running on empty. We need to stop for gas… Sorry, I didn’t expect- know that we would be driving for this long.”

Kind of weird considering he saw where you were going the moment you got into the car.

“I’d rather you get gas than make me walk home, man. No worries.” You reassured casually, hopefully showing Kurt that it wasn’t a big deal.

Clowning on him for being a clout chaser was fine. Clowning on him for making a small mistake would be embarrassing on your part. And like you mentioned before, you were having a lot of fun on this stupid, odd Spree ride. It wasn’t even exciting. You’ll probably give the poor guy 5 stars and a tip for his troubles.

You really needed to find friends.

He nodded with a frown and pulled into the next gas station. Once he was parked next to a gas pump, he unbuckled his seatbelt and twisted his body around to face you. For some reason, looking into his eyes like this was more intense than through a mirror.

“I won’t be long. Just want to pump enough to get you home. I think that’s your home. You never confirmed or denied that,” Kurt assured you.

You snorted a laugh, unable to help yourself. Kurt gave you a questioning look, still staring into your eyes. It felt like he was staring right into your soul. A shiver ran down your spine. You couldn’t tell if it was a pleasant shiver or not.

“Well, I’m not going to tell all one of your viewer where I live,” You said like it’s obvious.

Kurt frowned deeper and looked offended at that.

“I have more than one viewer. They just don’t know that The Lesson already started. They’ll be here,” Kurt said firmly, and you weren’t sure if he was lying to you or himself.

You nodded condescendingly, “Okay, Kurt.”

Kurt didn’t respond to your blatant bullying. He stared at you blankly for another second before reaching over and grabbing one of the water bottles from behind the seat next to him. He shoved it into your hands and re-oriented himself in his seat.

He yanked his phone off of the stand and left the vehicle, leaving you behind to awkwardly hold the room temperature water bottle. You looked into the camera mounted on your window and shrugged.

You felt like you were on The Office and you made yourself laugh.

Placing the water bottle on the seat next to your backpack, you watched Kurt pump gas while arguing with his phone. Bobby, probably. You were only half paying attention to Kurt’s muffled voice. He was promising to make things more exciting for the stream. At one point you think he blamed you for the lack of content. Rude, Kurt was the one being a mindless plug for his own stream. 

Make that four stars instead of five. 

Your eyes trailed away from Kurt’s tall frame (you expected him to be shorter than he is), when you noticed a couple of men in hoodies leave the store. They’re wearing hoodies? When it's ninety-degrees out? Are they asking for a heat stroke?

One of the men did a double take at Kurt, who was still pleading for Bobby’s attention. He said something to the man next to him, who seemed to be dazedly staring out into the distance. That’s why they’re wearing hoodies. They’re on drugs. Not great, but not unexpected for this city.

The leader of the pair began to stalk over towards the pump Kurt is parked in front of. His expression reminded you of a lion approaching its prey. The other guy followed behind slowly, clearly higher than his counterpart. Kurt isn’t facing them, too busy staring at his phone and looking distressed.

Kurt just might get that content he was looking for after all. You held off on getting Kurt’s attention. The guys will probably just ask him for a handout. Kurt will have the opportunity to be like his friend, Bobby, and film his “charity”. 

The first man finally approached Kurt and roughly grabbed him by the elbow. He pulled Kurt forward, causing him to stumble and gawk at the man. Kurt looked at him in shock, unsure as to what’s going on or how to proceed. His phone was still held firmly in his hand. You think he might have adjusted it to capture what was happening. 

Of course.

“What-” Kurt started to say.

“Give me everything you fucking have, right now!” The guy holding onto him yelled.

Okay, he’s not asking for a handout. More of a demand, really.

The two men in hoodies didn’t seem to notice that you were in the car. Thank Christ. You ducked down a little to get even further from their line of sight. Both your heart and mind were racing. You debated on whether or not you should do something. Is Kurt worth getting strangled over?

Kurt stared at him wide-eyed. Even wider-eyed than usual. He glanced down at his phone before looking back up at the men. He didn’t look as scared as you felt. He looked more surprised than anything.

“Uh, I don’t- I don’t really have-”

Kurt shut up when the man grabbing him pulled a switchblade from his pocket. Your jaw dropped at the sight of the blade. Okay, the situation is even worse now… Is Kurt worth getting stabbed over?

“I, um, I’m streaming right now,” Kurt began to spew out uselessly.

No, Kurt is not worth getting stabbed over.

With your mind still flashing different scenarios of your death to you, you sit up again to look behind the seat and into the trunk. You were looking for a weapon.

Kurt isn’t worth getting stabbed over, but you were going for it anyway.

How does this guy have so much water? Ignoring the literal box full of water bottles, you grab the closest thing resembling a weapon. A battery-powered drill.

You duck again, hoping the men didn’t see you. You open the car door opposite to the scene beside you and silently get out of the vehicle. Crouching, you waddle around the front of the vehicle until you were behind the two men.

Kurt stared down at you in awe for a second before looking back up at the man with the knife. He knew better than to blow your cover. That made your chest feel constricted. You and Kurt are now officially partners in crime. 

Your heart pounded so hard in your chest you thought you might have a heart attack. If you get stabbed right now, at least your heroic act will be witnessed by… Kurt and Bobby. Two clout chasers. Who cares, that’s enough. Your life isn’t really meaningful anyway.

Holding your breath and grip tightening on the drill, you launch yourself at the second man with a grunt. Your brain shut off and you bashed the battery pack at the bottom of the drill into the man’s temple. The only thoughts in your head were the sounds of static. You’re currently running on pure adrenaline.

You swear you felt a crack beneath the drill. The man stumbled to the ground and clutched the side of his head with a moan. Thank fuck you didn’t kill him.

His friend with the knife looked behind him to see what happened. He met your eyes with his bloodshot ones. You froze in fear.

Kurt took the opportunity to roughly shove him. He held his phone back up immediately afterwards. His face was emotionless, void of any fear or worry. The man tumbled backwards towards you.

You raised the drill again and smashed it against his jaw. He swore in pain, but didn’t go down like his friend did.

He fully faced you and swiped the knife at you in one solid movement. You jumped back and dropped the heavy drill in the process. He followed your movements and opened his mouth to call you a “fucking pansy”. Blood leaked freely from his mouth, making him sound like he was gurgling. He must have bit his tongue when you hit him.

You didn’t know what to do now except to keep backing up. He moved to launch himself at you, you shrieked sort of pathetically, but you both froze in place when you heard Kurt yell.

“Hey, fucker!” Kurt called out, the words sounding foreign in his mouth.

The attacker looked over his shoulder. You looked past him to watch Kurt. Kurt who held the drill up with one hand, and his phone with the other.

You both watched in disbelief as Kurt moved his finger to the trigger and squeezed. The drill whirred for a second before stopping.

Nobody moved.

Kurt looked down at the drill, confused. Then his face dropped and he looked somewhat embarrassed.

Your jaw dropped. This fucker thought he was holding a gun. 

He thought you pistol-whipped a guy… with his own drill. Did he not look at it before he picked it up? Adrenaline was a hell of a drug.

“Holy shit, Kurt,” You couldn’t help but say in astonishment.

Then, in a flash, Kurt’s face hardened and he smashed the tool into the center of the man’s face. His head whipped to the side, you felt liquid spray onto your face. Quick enough, where the man couldn’t even react. He clearly didn’t expect the mess that was Kurt to properly attack him.

You stumbled back a little to shield yourself.

This time, he fell. Kurt raised the drill again and brought it down onto the man’s face. Then again, and again. The blood from the man’s nose splashed up onto Kurt’s hand and shirt. Some of it hit his chin. He wasn’t stopping. And he held his other arm steady, streaming the entire thing. You could only watch the disaster unfold in front of you, unable to look away.

The other man on the ground, the one who wasn’t being pummeled, moved to get up. You panicked at that, took two quick steps forward, and yanked Kurt up by his arms onto his wobbly feet. Kurt allowed you to manhandle him off of the man with the now-broken face.

You wordlessly shoved him towards the driver’s side door. He got the hint and got back into the car with one last look towards the bleeding man on the ground.

You scrambled to the other side of the car and sat up front in the passenger seat. Kurt quickly shifted gears and the car screeched out of the gas station lot. You looked over the seats to see the nozzle of the gas pump fall out of the car. Whoops.

Then you moved to sit back onto the seat with a shaky sigh.

Kurt hooked his phone back onto the dashboard. He grinned manically and laughed.

“Did you guys see that?” Kurt asked the phone excitedly.

With your fight-or-flight response diminishing, you felt an odd sense of euphoria. You saved Kurt’s life. And he saved yours. All while streaming it to his single viewer.

You looked up at Kurt. Blood was splattered all over him and he was still laughing giddily. He looked between you and his phone with that same excited grin. He looked more alive now than you’ve seen him this entire ride.

Weirdly, you also felt more alive now than you have… in a long time.

Why do you suddenly find Kurt kind of attractive again?

Unable to control it, you broke into a smile. When Kurt met your eyes again he paused. Then his eyes crinkled in glee. You started laughing excitedly with him.

He moved and put his hand on your face and you didn’t even stop him. Your skin tingled where he gently touched your cheek. When he removed his hand, you saw smeared blood on his fingertips. You didn’t even notice that you were also covered in a stranger’s blood.

He wiped his now-stained fingers on his shirt. His reaction to everything was super casual for someone who’s life was just threatened.

“What the hell just happened?” You asked between giggles.

“We just engaged in self-defense. And you guys can catch more of that here at The Lesson. Use the hashtag on any social media platform,” He said in that same tone he used with you earlier when he promoted his stream.

He moved his hands while he talked for emphasis, ending his spiel with a peace sign into one of the cameras.

You cackled at that, thinking Kurt was making a stupid joke.

“Shut the fuck up,” You said, clearly amused, and gently hit Kurt’s arm.

Kurt smiled almost sweetly at your affectionate gesture. You hate how you suddenly feel a little short of breath. Maybe you should download Tinder if this is doing it for you.

You both quieted down and watched the road semi-awkwardly. Just a Spree driver and his passenger covered in blood sitting in a car. Completely normal stuff.

Internally, you were freaking out now that common sense was beginning to creep back into your head. That was obvious self-defense, right? Anyone who watches a recording of this stream can see that. Maybe no one was even watching. Bobby was being quiet. No reason for you to be charged with assault or anything.

The stream will probably be deleted anyway. That was a shit ton of blood back there. There’s no way that doesn’t go against the terms of service on the streaming site.

You’re so tired right now.

Leaning into the backseat, you grab the bottle of water Kurt shoved into your hands earlier. Almost dying made you super thirsty. You flop back to sit correctly in the front seat.

You unseal the cap to the water bottle and bring it to your lips. You could see your driver eyeing you from the corner of your vision.

Kurt made some sort of noise of displeasure and grabbed the bottle from your hands, causing you to spill a good portion of it onto the floor of Kurt’s car. In almost a panic, Kurt rolled down the window and tossed the bottle out of it.

You stared at him in utter confusion. Kurt met your eyes and his panic morphed into an uncomfortable smile.

“That, uh, that water has been there for a while. It’s stale and gross,” Kurt explained with a small shrug.

“... How does water expire?” You asked incredulously. 

Kurt looked at his phone briefly before answering, “The plastic… makes it taste bad. You need good tasting water.”

“You literally offered me that water like twelve times, you asshole.”

Kurt ignored your jab and took his metal water bottle out of the cupholder. He held it out for you to take.

Your face morphed into surprise.

“Is that your drink?” You asked.

“It’s Mountain Dew,” He said almost proudly, like offering his drink to a complete stranger wasn’t weird.

Stupidly matching his weirdo energy, you take the bottle from his hand and unscrew the lid.

“That is so fitting for you, it’s unbelievable,” You responded almost fondly before taking a drink.

The first kiss you’ve had in years is an indirect kiss with a clout-chasing Spree driver that’s covered in blood. You hate your life.

You put the bottle back into the cup holder and when you looked back up, you were in front of your house. Kurt put his Prius in park and looked at you with a goofy grin on his face.

“Uh, here we are. Your home maybe,” Kurt said.

You smiled back at him, unable to help it. You reached back and took your backpack from the back seat.

For some reason, you wanted to talk to him more. You had things you wanted to tell him. Like thanking him for giving you the most exciting day of your life. Maybe telling him that you enjoyed his company, even if he was focused on his stream most of the time. You also wanted to ask him if he was okay. You knew you were going to break down later. He might be the same way.

You didn’t say any of these things, not wanting to seem like a lonely loser (though, you most certainly are). 

“Thanks for the ride, Kurt,” You say instead while opening the car door.

Before you could close it, Kurt shouted, “Hang on!”

You paused, keeping one hand on the car door. Your heart fluttered in anticipation.

“You should follow me at Kurtsworld96.”

You rolled your eyes and said, “Goodbye, Kurt.”

Then you closed his car door and walked inside your home. You didn’t look back at the unhinged Spree driver. Your thoughts were screaming at you that you were missing out on some sort of opportunity. It was an easy thought to ignore. That was just the loneliness talking.

It wasn’t five minutes after you threw your backpack down that your phone vibrated. You pulled it out of your pocket to see one of your coworkers messaging you. You unlocked your phone to view the message, exiting out of the Spree app asking you to rate your driver.

15:47 Flora: What happened??? Are you ok?

15:47 Flora: (link)

You felt your heart stop. No, that isn’t what you think it is. He had one viewer at most.

Instead of focusing on this, you should go wash your attacker’s blood off of you. It was sticky against your skin and it made you itch knowing it was still caked onto you.

Your finger tapped the link anyway. You were directed to Twitter, where you saw a verified account post a video. 

Bobby Basecamp: My freak babysitter wilding with his victim fr

Holding your breath, you play the video. You see Kurt’s face as he’s harassed by the muggers. Then the camera flips and you see yourself crouching behind his car with the drill in your hand. You look like a feral animal and you cringe while watching yourself. 

You see the entire scene play out from Kurt’s perspective. You bashed in a man’s face. You almost got stabbed. Kurt’s stupid gun-drill fuck up and you looked at him like he was a moron. Kurt practically crushed a man’s skull. You two laughed in the car, covered in blood. You two looked like some sort of modern Thelma and Louise.

It looked deranged. You felt sick to your stomach.

The highlight clip ended. You look to see thousands of people liking Bobby’s tweet. He posted the video ten minutes ago. Kurt wasn’t lying to you. Bobby is a huge influencer. And a kid Kurt babysat apparently.

Your arm fell to dangle by your side with your phone still in your hand. Your other hand ran through your hair anxiously.

Well, Kurt’s getting his wish for fame granted. Why did you have to be in it? Why couldn’t he have picked up someone else? Will you lose your job over this? You couldn’t afford to pay your bills if you were suddenly unemployed.

It’s Friday. Maybe this entire thing will blow over before your shift on Monday.

You pulled your messages open and texted back your nosy coworker.

16:02: I’m fine! Some guys tried to mug my spree driver lol

You thought about lying to her, but you knew this shit was probably going to be in the news. Kurt could have murdered that guy. There was so much blood. Oh god. You should prepare for the police to arrive at your door.

When you went to close all of the apps on your phone, you noticed that there were a ton of comments on the video. Your curiosity got the best of you and you looked at a few.

dudedude1986: What freaks lmao

gone2h3v3n: WHEN HE TRIED TO USE THE DRILL AS A GUN DJHDFSDJFLDSKFJ

dansalt: i think those dudes are ded

twentyriq: Why is this kind of hot?

xX_outof0rder_Xx: fake

qb40: Me when my wife’s boyfriend says I can’t sleep on the bed with them:

froggyfreestyle: the US is going to invade that guys hair to get to all that oil

parkingshy: I lowkey ship the cringe babysitter and the drill pansy.

warble_by_day replying to parkingshy: same tho, the chemistry is def there

And with that, you’re done looking at comments. You don’t know what you expected, but it wasn’t that. It could be worse, they aren’t calling for your head or anything. They aren’t condemning you for breaking a guy’s eye socket either. Oh, internet. You sick, twisted place.

You closed Twitter on your phone. And you aren’t planning on opening it again for a little while. This weekend, you want nothing more than to curl up and watch horrible movies. It’s going to be almost impossible to ignore the shit that just happened and is still currently happening.

Mentally, you need to prepare for the bombardment of questions from both work and probably law enforcement. You briefly wondered how Kurt is reacting to everything.

Once again, you lost the battle to resist the urge to indulge in your curiosity. You open up your favorite streaming service and search “Kurtsworld96”.

The account pops up, but to your surprise, he’s offline. You thought he’d be embracing all of these new viewers by now. The stream that just ended is still there, and from what you can see, many different people are watching the recording now.

You open Twitter again and search for his account. You find it easily. The profile icon is some poorly drawn depiction of earth with a smiley face on it. 

The latest tweet was made about five minutes ago.

Kurtsworld96: yes! you guys are watching me! thank you for following. and thank you bobby basecamp for the shoutout. there’s been a change of plans. #TheLesson is on hiatus for now. stay tuned for new content, kurties!

Kurties. That’s cute.

Seems like his sudden boost in views inspired something in him. He even thanked Bobby for pretty much calling him a freak. Hopefully he makes actually good content and it’s not him plugging his channel every two minutes. You snort a laugh to yourself, remembering how much fun you were having while making fun of him. At least Kurt is funny in that way.

You close Twitter once more after debating on whether or not to follow Kurt. You chose not to. It wouldn’t be healthy to fixate on some Spree driver that might have killed a guy in front of you.

A jolt of nervousness ran through you as you remembered that yes, you might have been involved in a murder. It might have been self-defense, but it didn’t really matter. Kurt didn’t even seem worried about it. He was way more excited over his new following. He didn’t even bring it up in the tweet.

What a weird, greasy, self-absorbed, wannabe influencer.

But for some reason, you still feel a fondness towards him.

Chapter Text

You’re tired.

You didn’t get to rest at all over the weekend. On Saturday, you spent the entire day on the brink of a panic attack and avoiding your phone. You don’t have cable TV, so it was somewhat easy to avoid the news.

You didn’t want to know if you were famous or not. You also didn’t want to know if you were an accomplice to a murder. 

On Sunday, answers were forced onto you anyway. Officers from the LAPD arrived at your doorsteps. They definitely thought you looked pathetic. You cried the moment you saw them, afraid that you were being arrested. They didn’t arrest you. Instead, they took a statement from you and went about their day. 

The guy somehow didn’t die. He had multiple fractures on his skull, a concussion, and something about blood building up behind one of his eyeballs, but he didn’t die. According to the police officers, he wasn’t very coherent, but it didn’t seem like he was interested in pressing charges. The moment the police left your house, you burst into relieved laughter.

You also turned your phone back on that day. Hundreds of notifications flooded the screen. Those included concerned texts from coworkers, missed calls from family members (that you haven’t heard from in years), and random tags on different social media platforms. You marked everything as read when you didn’t see anything that informed you that you lost your job. 

That led to today. You tried to do your job like normal and act like nothing happened. Your coworkers refused to let you have a stress-less day. All day you repeated that, yes, you were alright, no, that guy didn’t die, and no, you had no idea who Kurt was before that day. Your supervisor even asked if you needed time off. 

Did you really look that much like a wreck?

Probably.

Your eyes glanced down to the time on your computer. 2:56 PM. Close enough.

You got out of your desk chair and stretched. Then you walked to the employee lounge and pulled your phone out on the way. You opened the Spree app while clocking out. After ordering a ride, you reached up to take your backpack off of one of the hooks.

It wasn’t fifteen seconds later when your phone dinged. Shit, that was the quickest you think you’ve ever had a Spree accepted before. When you looked back down to check out the details on your ride, your heart stopped. It felt like your eyes were bulging out of your head from how hard you were staring at the driver’s information.

Kurt.

From Kurtsworld96.

Holy fucking shit.

He was less than a minute away. That fucker was waiting for you. There’s no doubt in your mind about that. What does he want? Only one way to find out.

You debated on canceling it. Nothing is forcing you to get in Kurt’s car again. He might wait for you, but you can out-wait him. Your heart is racing just thinking about seeing him in person again. Not in a good way, either.

However, there was something deep inside you that got you excited at seeing his face on your screen again. Friday turned you into a walking ball of anxious energy. But before Friday, you cruised through each day numbly on autopilot. Nothing made you feel anything anymore.

Laughing with that psycho made you feel true joy again. It was like a bandage was ripped off and you could finally access your emotions. The cops scared you, your family pretending to care about you pissed you off, thinking about poking fun at Kurt made you giddy. 

After putting your backpack on, you walked down the hallway towards your desk. You kept walking until you left the building. Kurt’s Prius was right there waiting for you next to the entrance of your job.

You approached the car with cautious steps. The passenger side window lowered, but not completely. It was enough for you to get a good look at Kurt while he avoided dropping the camera mounted to the glass.

He took off his sunglasses and waved at you with a big smile. His hair was greasy again. You were kind of hoping that he just forgot to use shampoo the first time you saw him. It looks like this is his normal appearance. You don’t know how you found this man attractive three days ago.

“Hey, I was driving by and saw your ride request. It’s amazing, you know? The kind of coincidences that can happen. It’s like- kind of like a miracle or something like that,” Kurt greeted awkwardly.

You stared blankly back at him and made no move to get into his vehicle. You blinked slowly.

“If you tell me the truth, I’ll get in your car and forgive you for lying to me,” You offered, unamused.

His face fell and he asked a simple, “Uh, what?”

“Were you waiting for me to get off work?”

He stared back at you with his big brown eyes. His mouth was in a tight line.

“...Yeah.”

You sighed, nodded, and then moved to get into the backseat.

Clearly, you had no concern for your own wellbeing. The more time you spend with Kurt, the more mentally unwell you’ll probably get. Maybe he’ll be so absurd that he’ll instead have the opposite effect on you. He (most likely temporarily) cured your apathy, after all.

Kurt calling your name made you stop with your hand on the car door.

“You can sit up front if you want,” He said, more of a request than an offer.

Releasing your hold on the car door, you moved to get into the front instead. You threw your backpack onto the floor by your feet and closed the car door. Kurt rolled your window up. You couldn’t help but stare at the camera once it was eye-level with you.

Being this close to Kurt, you can smell a hint of mango on him. It was a chemical sort of smell, which you knew meant he had probably been vaping. It shouldn’t be surprising to you to find out that he vaped. He seemed like the type.

Kurt began driving before you could put your seatbelt on. It was like he was afraid of you changing your mind and getting out of the car. Alarm bells should be going off in your head… but they’re not. How desperate were you for some excitement? Friday’s excitement should be able to hold you over for at least a month. But here you were, clamoring for a little more.

“You look really nice today. Business casual… a classic,” Kurt complimented with a glance towards you.

It didn’t sound like a genuine compliment. He spoke it in the same way he speaks when he’s plugging his socials. You’ve started to recognize that as his “performance voice”. It’s goofy overall, but right now it’s a little insulting.

“Are you streaming right now?” You ask, ignoring his “compliment”.

Kurt grinned at the mention of his stream and responded with, “I am, actually. Right here, at Kurtsworld96.”

He looked into the camera on the dashboard and flashed a peace sign at it. His signature.

“Why are you plugging your stream when your viewers are already at your stream? Do you even have any viewers right now?” You asked, not being able to resist.

Kurt frowned and looked at you briefly before turning his attention back to his phone. He perked up a little after noticing something on the screen.

Ignoring your first question, he answered your second, “I do have viewers. I have about twenty more since the last time I checked, actually.”

You looked at the phone to see if he was lying to you. He wasn’t. He had around 80 viewers. Well damn. Kurt’s blowing up.

You noticed that your name was mentioned quite a few times in his chat. That was enough to make you turn your head away from the phone. You didn’t know if you wanted to know what they were saying about you.

“Anyways, why were you waiting for me? That’s kind of creepy, dude,” You asked, but your tone didn’t show much worry in it.

Sure, you were a little creeped out. But not enough to steer you away from getting in this Spree, apparently. Your desire to know what Kurt wants is overpowering your common sense.

Kurt looked at his phone again.

“I wanted to see you. I wasn’t trying to be creepy,” Kurt replied.

You looked at Kurt wearily, not sure what to think. He was being incredibly vague. Clearly he was hiding something from you. You weren’t sure what that was yet. Did he want to talk about what happened? He had to have known that the guy he beat the shit out of lived. The police told you they talked to Kurt already.

A familiar feminine robotic voice rang through the car, “You two should kiss.”

You furrowed your eyebrows in disbelief at Kurt. He looked back at you with an awkward smile and an uncomfortable laugh. 

You’re starting to understand now.

“Did you want to see me? Or did your viewers want to see me?” You asked in annoyance.

You probably should have known the answer to that the moment Kurt accepted your Spree request. There’s only two things you know for sure about Kurt, he’s awkward and he’s a clout chaser. His sole motivation is fame. And you had a hand in giving him that fame… and all 80 of his followers.

Kurt glanced at you with a shrug, like the real reason didn’t matter.

“Well, we’re both getting to be pretty big influencers. I thought we could collab again. I did check out your socials after I dropped you off, and I think you forgot to follow me. I’ll follow you back when you do,” Kurt explained with enthusiasm, his hands gesturing unconsciously as he did so.

You stared at him like he was stupid. Your mouth dropped open slightly as you tried to comprehend what he just said. A huff escaped your nose.

“I’m… not an influencer. And what we did on Friday wasn’t a collab, you were my Spree driver. We could have legit died that day,” You spoke like you were talking to a toddler.

He then had the audacity to return your look back to you. 

“Have you looked at Twitter or TikTok? We went viral on Friday. You should really upload something before the hype dies down,” Kurt said.

There’s having a one-track mind, and then there’s having whatever the hell Kurt has going on. 

“I have like zero interest in getting famous. I’m happy for you and your thing that you got from getting mugged. Just leave me out of it from now on, okay?”

You looked out the window, trying to ignore the camera placed right in the middle of it. 

“...You’ll probably end up taking my Spree sometime in the future. I don’t think It’ll be easy to keep you out of my streams,” Kurt said, sounding more like a promise to his viewers.

A promise to get you into his car again.

Looking back at Kurt in agitation, you snapped at him, “Don’t wait around for me to get off of work. That’s stalking, Kurt.”

“I drive around here all the time! If you ask for a Spree, I’ll probably be the one to accept- to pick it up,” Kurt defended.

“You don’t need me to stream! Find someone else to entertain them with!” You snapped back.

You aren’t entertaining. You don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with people watching everything you do. There’s no way you can help Kurt recreate his literal fifteen minutes of fame. Unless that idiot went out looking to get mugged again.

Kurt’s face dropped. You can almost see a hint of desperation in his eyes. 

“I do need you! I can’t hold onto my viewers, and all they talk about is you and what happened with you. They don’t want to watch me without you ,” He pleaded, finally really looking at you instead of a camera or his stream.

At that, you were stunned into silence.

That was a side of Kurt you haven’t seen before. A side that sounded like a real person. Of course, he was still talking about his stream, but that was raw, desperate emotion. 

You didn’t know if he was capable of being genuine… ever. This was a pleasant surprise. No, stop. Don’t justify your unhealthy enjoyment of spending time with Kurt.

The donation voice came through again with, “Cringe streamer’s love confession is extra cringe.”

Yeah, the viewers certainly weren’t helping the matter, either.

What did he want from you, exactly? Obviously, he wanted your help to boost his views. But how did he want you to do that? That was the real question. Your ride home only lasts for close to twenty minutes. You can’t just ride around with Kurt the rest of the day. Did he want you to take a Spree both to and from work? You can hardly afford the Sprees home as is.

You forced yourself to clear your head of those thoughts. There’s no point in even considering it. You aren’t going to co-host on Kurt’s Spree driving streams.

No matter how fun the metaphorical devil on your shoulder tells you it'll be.

“Kurt,” You start with some hesitation, “I can’t just make this a thing with you. I don’t even know you.”

“Then you can get to know me,” Kurt said firmly.

Before you could turn him down further, Kurt continued.

“Like I said, my viewers don’t want to watch me without you. Not yet at least. You need to stay for a while; just until I don’t need you anymore. Then I promise that I’ll leave you alone if you want.”

Kurt spoke like this was a reasonable request. It was absolutely not. He straight up just told you that he wanted to exploit you for views. You wouldn’t get anything (physical) out of it. In fact, you would lose money to give Kurt twenty minutes of content. At least he wasn’t using that stupid tutorial-performing voice. 

You closed your eyes and ran a hand down your face in thought. You were thinking about how to get Kurt off your back, not about accepting his request. 

Opening your eyes again, you explained in a slightly gentler tone, “This isn’t fun to watch. That’s why you aren’t retaining viewers. It isn’t me you need. You just need better content.”

Kurt bit his lip while you were talking. He clearly didn’t like what you were telling him. His eyes were glued to the road and his grip on the wheel tightened. 

His gaze trailed away from the road and back to the phone. You were about to apologize for insulting him, but Kurt grinned wildly and laughed before you had the chance. He instantly forgot you called his content garbage and pointed at the phone.

You followed his hand and looked at the screen. Your face fell into disbelief.

“Hi guys! Thank you so much for watching me! Almost five hundred of you! I haven’t had triple-digit views since Saturday. Welcome back, I’m so happy to have you here,” Kurt excitedly welcomed his viewers into the camera next to him.

No fucking way. You have to be hallucinating this entire day or something. You aren’t even doing anything! You’re just sitting here arguing with Kurt.

“What-” You started in confusion, only to be interrupted by another donation.

“If you don’t come back, Kurt will never lose his virginity.”

You buried your face into your hands and groaned.

Okay, so Kurt’s followers proved you wrong. They want you here. How bored are these people? There are way better streams happening right now. Streams that don’t have Kurt’s awkward ass involved in them. Your awkward ass either. Are they… watching this in fascination or something?

“Just so you’re all aware. I am not a virgin. I don’t know why that’s a common assumption- false assumption of me. I do not go to church anymore, so I’m not waiting until marriage or anything like that,” Kurt explained in his usual obnoxious performing voice.

Your hands fell away from your face and you looked over at Kurt. You can tell you looked exhausted from how heavy your eyelids felt.

You can’t believe any of this is actually happening.

“If you’re not a virgin, I will eat every single thing in my backpack. And then I’ll eat my backpack piece by piece,” You said, your voice monotone.

Kurt met your gaze with wide eyes.

“I don’t know why you would say that. Your backpack looks like it’s made of canvas, which would most likely give you a blockage in your intestine,” Kurt replied, sounding mildly concerned.

You had no idea if he was being serious or joking back with you. You couldn’t help but crack a smile and snort a laugh. He smiled back at you, looking somewhat proud of himself. He was joking.

He was cute when he looked at you like that, your thoughts unhelpfully reminded you.

Then he pulled onto your street and parked in front of his house. Shit, that went by pretty quick. You bent down to pick up your bag.

“So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” Kurt said hopefully.

You looked back at him blankly.

“Nope,” You replied and unbuckled your seatbelt.

You grabbed the door handle, but before you could pull to open it, the lock clicked into place.

You eyed the little locking mechanism and frowned. Someone who values their safety and wellbeing would probably panic if a stranger locked them into their car. You were annoyed more than anything else.

…And Kurt didn’t really feel like much of a stranger to you.

Reaching down, you manually unlocked the car and tried again. Kurt locked it again. You unlocked it again. Kurt locked it again. You unlocked it again. Kurt fucking locked it again.

You whipped your head around and complained loudly, “Oh my god, Kurt, give it a rest!”

“Please,” He begged you like a child who wasn’t getting his way.

Sighing, you flopped back against the seat. 

“I am not putting my face in front of your barrage of cameras every day just so you can get a tiny bit of clout,” You said tiredly.

“If you can’t be here, I’ll have to continue The Lesson instead. I know for sure that I can get views that way,” Kurt told you like that was supposed to mean something to you.

“I don’t care what you do. I’m just not spending eighteen dollars everyday for your sake. I don’t even get anything out of it,” You complained.

Honestly, you would probably spend that much everyday to get home anyway. At least while it’s still hot out. But Kurt didn’t need to know that.

Kurt perked up at that and said while pointing at you, “You will get something out of it. I’m not the only one here that’s getting followers.”

Then he proceeded to shout out your socials while looking directly into the camera behind you.

He was on your third handle when you lunged forward and placed your hand over his mouth in a panic. You stared into his eyes with agitation. Your hand tingled against his slightly chapped lips.

“Don’t direct people to my shit! Those are private,” You hissed.

You don't know how Kurt even knows about your different social media accounts. How far did he go while stalking you? Did he find those by just using your name?

The last thing you need is even more people in your business. It was bad enough that some people managed to find your accounts on their own. Kurt telling his weirdo fans to follow you isn’t at all what you meant by wanting to get something out of this. 

He blinked his wide eyes at you, your hand still fixed firmly over his mouth. He made no move to remove it.

His eyes crinkled slightly. Then you felt him lick the palm of your hand. You scoffed in disgust and jerked your hand away from his face. He grinned at your reaction.

In retaliation, you wiped your hand on the front of his shirt. His grin faltered as he looked down at his shirt. 

You already felt your phone vibrating with notifications. Oh, you fucking hate Kurt. You’re going to have to spend like an hour privating everything and deleting people.

“I won’t charge you for the rides. How about that?” Kurt suddenly offered, making you snap your head back to face him.

Now… that was a tempting offer.

You asked suspiciously, “You won’t?”

He shook his head and said, “Nope. All free. Like I said earlier, it’s just until- until I don’t need you to hold onto my followers anymore.”

Well, maybe you could let Kurt use you for views. You’d be saving eighteen dollars daily. That’s almost earning a dollar per minute while hanging out with Kurt. It’s not bad when you look at it as an extra job… Plus there’s that whole thing where you secretly enjoy his company and can pretend that you have a real friend.

Maybe you should go to therapy.

However, that meant that he would be waiting for you outside of your work every day. Creepy Kurt who you just promised to everyone that you didn’t know. You know those nosy insurance reps are going to talk. And what if Kurt does some wacky shit that gets you fired? It’ll all be on the internet forever.

Kurt watched you in anticipation. He nodded at you, gesturing for you to give him an answer.

Against your better judgment, you nodded in agreement and said, “Fine, okay.”

He exclaimed a victorious, “Yes!” and then, to your horror, he dabbed.

Your face dropped in regret.

A donation came through, “what the fuck.”

“Yeah, what the fuck? Don’t dab. That’s what like 11-year-olds do.” You scolded.

Kurt lowered his arms and looked at you incredulously.

“Anyone can dab. It’s a part of my brand,” Kurt defended with a slight frown.

Well then his brand fucking sucks. What is this stupid bullshit you got yourself wrapped up in?

“Dab again, and I’ll do everything in my power to give myself dementia,” You warned half-heartedly before opening the car door.

This time, you and Kurt didn’t fight over the locks. He was thankfully letting you go home now that he got what he wanted.

“Uh, I don’t think you can choose to get dementia. My grandfather had it, and it wasn’t good,” Kurt overshared.

You chose to not respond to that, instead you said, “Bye, Kurt. See you tomorrow.”

Then you closed the car door and hurried towards your house. Once again, you didn’t look back. You were afraid that if you looked back, you would do something stupid. Like inviting the weird creep into your house.

Once inside your home, you pulled out your phone. Spree asked you to rate your driver between the hundreds of notifications from Kurt’s viewers. You gave the asshole five stars. No tip though. Those hundreds of viewers are enough of a tip.

The next day, you spent a lot of your free time privating all of your socials and blocking people that made it through. Your job was pretty boring, giving you a lot of free time to do whatever you wanted. The insurance agents answered the phones. That only left you to assist people at the front desk.

Not a lot of people came to the front desk.

You clocked out at your usual 3:00 PM. With your hands clutching the straps of your backpack against your chest, you left the building. You didn’t order a Spree, anxious to see if Kurt was going to keep his word about free rides.

Right on time, his Prius pulled right up to the curb next to the front door. Huh, he wasn’t lying.

With your heart beating a little quicker in your chest, you approached the car and got into the front seat.

Kurt didn’t greet you. Instead, he turned towards the camera on the dashboard with a big smile.

“Hey guys! If you’re just tuning in, I’m Kurt, at Kurtsworld96, and I’m here with our favorite Spree passenger,” He said in his performance voice while gesturing to you.

You looked back at him, unamused. He didn’t seem to notice, too busy watching the numbers climb on his screen.

“Anyway, I know I’ve been streaming for three hours already, but I know we’re about to have an amazing stream.”

Sometimes Kurt gives you an inexplicable feeling of sadness. However, it’s easy to forget about when Kurt says different stupid things.

A donation comes through as you’re putting on your seatbelt.

“Aren’t you going to give Kurt a kiss hello?”

You snort to yourself at that.

“Kurt can give me a kiss hello himself if he wants one,” You say, as a joke.

As a joke.

A joke.

“Really?” Kurt asks next to you.

He didn’t sound interested in your offer, more surprised that you would be interested in kissing him. You’re not. It was a joke.

You look back at him and deadpan, “No.”

Kurt sits back with, “Oh…” 

You have no idea what that reaction is for. He genuinely does not look interested. So, what’s with the fake disappointment? He’s probably joking back with you. Yeah, that’s it. Don’t turn this into something it’s not.

Your driver then perked up and reached behind you into the backseat of the car. When he returned to his original position, he placed a spruce-green baseball cap into your hands. You took it without resisting, too stunned to react properly.

Embroidered above the bill of the cap was “Kurt’s World” in jagged white letters.

“I got you some free swag!” Kurt said with barely contained excitement.

He returned back to addressing the camera.

“Guys, you can get your Kurtsworld96 hat by clicking the link down below. It doesn’t say “Kurtsworld96”, just “Kurt’s World”, but I like the design a lot. I did it- designed it myself,” He explained, back in his performing voice.

After his sales pitch, he looked at you in anticipation. You could almost hear him goading you to put the hat on in his thoughts.

Why does Kurt already have merch? Before Friday, he had an average of one viewer. Which meant he probably wasted a ton of money on hats no one bought.

Free swag? More like free promotion.

Just because you knew it wasn’t what he wanted, you put the hat on backwards. From where you’re sitting, no camera would be able to capture the logo on the hat. 

You smiled sweetly at Kurt. He looked at you in disappointment. After a few seconds of the staring contest, Kurt looked back at his phone. He chose to not fight with you about wearing the hat the correct way.

Kurt put the car in drive and the two of you exited the parking lot. The atmosphere in the car felt kind of tense.

“How are you today, Kurt?” You ask to be polite, unsure of what else to say.

“Uh, good, how are you?” He asked in return, not expecting the casual question.

“I’m fine…”

How are hundreds of people tuning into this ?

A donation rang through the car, “Sex tape when?”

Furrowing your eyebrows in question, you looked over at Kurt and asked, “Why is almost every donation you get about us fucking?”

You just happened to notice the pattern. Kurt’s viewers have been consistently horny. Porn is free, why do they want you two to get it on in front of them? You’re decent looking, but you aren’t a model by any means. Kurt isn’t bad to look at, but he should probably wash his hair more often.

Kurt’s eyes showed some recognition in them, but you can tell he was debating in his head about what to tell you. What the hell does he know that you don’t? That’s kind of a scary thought.

He better not have been saying some fucked up shit about you before you get into the car.

Finally, Kurt instructed with a cautious tone, “Go on Twitter and search for my name and your name, but put an “x” between our names.”

Oh fuck no. People can’t seriously be shipping you two together. You were in two streams together where nothing close to being romantic happened. You two were closer to committing a murder together than holding each other’s hand.

You take your phone out despite the feeling of dread in your gut.

A donation came through as you opened Twitter, “NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DON’T DO THAT.”

That wasn’t a good sign.

In the search bar, you did as Kurt instructed.

The first tweet seared an image in your head that you won’t be able to get out anytime soon. You know you had an expression that was a mixture of shock and revulsion.

It was a very detailed artist's rendition of Kurt shoving his dick into your mouth. The drawing of you had tears in your eyes and a blush coating your cheeks. And of course, they had to include Kurt giving a peace sign as you were in the midst of blowing him. It wasn’t even like a poorly drawn meme. It had actual care and time put into it.

Why?

Your brain must have thought this was something you were interested in, because a pleasant shiver ran down your spine.

Double why?

Not wanting to contemplate any part of that, you shut your phone off. Without care, you let it drop onto your lap.

Kurt had the audacity to grin at you in anticipation, waiting to hear what you thought.

“What the fuck, Kurt? Is that what you want from me? Because I’m not sucking you off, and if you ask me to suck you off, I will throw myself out of this car and into oncoming traffic,” You ranted with a mixture of different negative emotions in your voice.

Kurt’s face dropped in a panic and he shook his head.

“No! I wasn’t- I’m not going to ask you to do that. It’s just- uh, shit. Fans were posting hashtag couple goals stuff about us. It was cute,” Kurt struggled to say with an awkward execution.

“First off, you’re probably the only human on this planet who has said the words “hashtag couple goals” out loud. Secondly, why are you encouraging them to ship us together?” You half-yelled at Kurt in frustration.

“I’m not encouraging them! They’ve been calling us a power couple since we went viral,” He defended.

It’s mildly infuriating that something in you liked that Kurt is encouraging people to think you’re in a relationship with him. You haven’t been in a relationship since high school. It was easy to think that no one was really interested in being with you. Deep down, you know it’s because you don’t make an effort to go out and find someone.

Finding the motivation to do so is almost impossible.

It was nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s from someone like Kurt, whose entire personality is making internet content.

You would never admit that, though.

You threw your hands up and loudly complained, “You just said what they were doing was cute! You called them drawing your dick in my mouth cute!”

Kurt calmed himself down and put his dumb performance voice on again, “I did not specifically say that that was cute. And that wasn’t an encouragement. It’s just my opinion. Uh, I’m not trying to do any relationship stuff with you, but if people want to tweet about me, I can’t really control what they do.”

Aka: Kurt likes it because it keeps people talking about him. Great. Splendid. Amazing.

It also occurred to you that his disappointed reaction to you not wanting to kiss him earlier might have been about not giving the viewers more shipping fuel.

He’s an attention whore in the most pathetic way. You wouldn’t be surprised if he murdered you for attention when his views inevitably drop again. How many views is this uncomfortable situation bringing in, by the way?

You took Kurt’s phone off of the stand. He panicked and grabbed for it in your hands. You leaned away from his reach along with his phone. He grunted as he struggled to get his phone back.

“Kurt, focus on the road or I’m ending your stream,” You warned.

Kurt promptly stopped his struggle and returned both of his hands to the wheel. He probably thought that was what you were doing in the first place. He shifted anxiously in his seat, unable to see the stream.

A donation came through, “Would it be better if Kurt was giving you oral instead?”

“Don’t draw either of us giving oral, Jesus Christ,” You responded automatically.

…That was just going to make them draw more, wasn’t it?

You were mildly alarmed when you made eye-contact with yourself on the screen of Kurt's phone. There was an option for you to switch between which camera you wanted to watch. That was kind of cool, but a little pointless. Only four of the nine camera angles had a decent view of either you, Kurt, or the both of you. 

Kurt flashed you a peace sign in one of the cameras. A laugh caught on your lips at that. The dork immediately looked proud of himself for making you react. 

Your eyes widened slightly as you took in the number of viewers on this stupid stream.

1,302 viewers.

The chat was moving rapidly too. Is there something wrong with you? Is that why you can’t see the entertainment value of this?

You read some of the chat between the spamming of different emojis:

kittygirl32: they fight like theyre married

lolpops: kurt micropenis confirmed?

v3rynic3: gay

flatearthisreal: this is the stream ever

xxokxxsweaty: IF YOU'RE READING THIS KISS KURT RIGHT NOW!!!!!

gorge2002: when are they going to kill people again?

hunnyp0t: when they smile at each other ❤️❤️❤️

You tore your eyes away from the equally lonely people watching you. That was both exactly and nothing like what you expected.

1,411 viewers now. You still don’t get it.

Blankly, you put Kurt’s phone back on the stand. 

“My mom is missing,” Kurt then said literally out of nowhere.

You whipped your head to look at him so fast you thought you gave yourself whiplash. Your jaw dropped at the totally out of left field statement.

You choked out a weak, “What?”

He met your look with an emotion you couldn’t place. You at least knew he didn’t look too worried. He ran a hand anxiously through his bangs.

He repeated, “My mom went missing,” And then added, “I haven’t seen or, uh, heard from her since Friday.”

You didn’t say anything for a moment, unsure what you could say. His mother is missing? Since Friday? Holy shit.

You were surprised Kurt wasn’t having a mental breakdown. He got mugged, went viral online, and then his mother went missing all on the same day. Was he using this entire thing to cope with that?

Now you kind of feel bad.

Finally you managed to speak again, “Shit, are you okay?”

You sounded more concerned than he looked. This wasn’t a conversation to have in front of over a thousand people. 

Kurt looked a little surprised at your concern for him. He stared back at you with his eyes opened wider than usual and mouth slightly agape

“Yeah, I’m- I’m fine,” He said somewhat quietly after pulling himself together.

“Do you think she’s safe?” You ask with slightly less concern after seeing that Kurt himself isn’t really concerned. 

He nodded before answering awkwardly out loud, “She uh, goes on a lot of retreats. She’s really into selling crystals and essential oils… stuff like that. This time she just didn’t tell us where she was going.”

You nodded along slowly. That was oddly fitting. You didn’t want to make any assumptions about Kurt’s family. But it sounded like his mother was… eccentrically ambitious, to say the least. Just like her son.

It was still weird that she didn’t tell her family where she disappeared to. Kurt must have been at least a little worried if he found the need to bring it up to you… and his viewers.

You swear to fuck if he’s using this for views and sympathy you’re going to strangle him.

Before you could question any further, Kurt pointed at the clear crystal hanging from the rearview mirror.

“She got me that a little while ago,” He said with a small smile.

A donation came through, “Kurt probably killed her.”

You silently gasped at that. Kurt’s face fell immediately. Rightfully so.

“That’s not funny,” You responded immediately in a firm tone. 

Joking about you losers having sex with each other was one thing. Joking about a man’s missing mother was another thing entirely. Kurt was creepy and weird, but not in the murder kind of way. It was more of a “hold a stranger hostage to co-host a livestream” kind of creepy and weird.

Kurt’s car approached your house and parked in front of it. He turned and looked at you with a grin.

“Are you worried about me?” He asked with amusement evident in his voice.

…Was he trying to tease you? After you defended him for being accused of murdering his mother? Asshole.

“I’m worried about your sanity, that’s for sure,” You quipped back.

“No need to worry there. If I wasn’t sane, I wouldn’t have all of these amazing followers. Or have friends that are big create- content creators like Bobby Bud Lee,” He said before smiling into one of the cameras.

Sane isn’t a word you’d use to describe Kurt.

While shaking your head in mild disbelief, you clicked the button to release your seatbelt. Once released from your confines, you pick up your bag.

“Hang on,” Kurt requested.

You froze in place when Kurt was suddenly in your personal space. He reached a hand towards your face. You stopped breathing. It looked like he was about to gently cup your cheek.

Instead, he reached higher, took the hat off of your head, and flipped it around to put it back on you the right way.

Then he leaned back and smiled widely, impressed with himself at his handiwork.

“There you go,” He said encouragingly.

These twenty minutes with Kurt made you way more tired than the entire eight hours you spent at work. 

"Kurt, you cuck, kiss the pansy already," A donation requested.

You relaxed again and frowned, unimpressed with both Kurt and the stream. Then you opened the car door and left the vehicle. "Pansy" better not stick around as a dumb, insulting nickname for you. You were called that once on Kurt's stupid stream. It wasn't even clever.

You need a drink or something to make you forget this experience.

Kurt called your name, making you look back towards him.

“See you tomorrow,” He said with a smile and an excited sparkle in his eye.

You hate how your heart skipped a beat by him just looking at you like that.

“See you tomorrow, Kurt,” You replied, sounding sadder than you intended.

Chapter Text

Another day, another opportunity for Kurt to use you for fame and recognition.

“Kurt, what the hell is this?” You asked in mild amusement shortly after Kurt left the parking lot to your job.

The “this” in question was a series of beeping noises on top of the repeating three-note strumming of an instrument you can’t even distinguish. All of it was being spewed at you from the speakers in the car.

Right now it’s funny, but if it lasts for more than two minutes, you’ll probably start violently throwing things to get it to stop.

Kurt looked at you with a proud smile and asked, “Sick, right?... Do you like it? I made this beat myself.”

Then he turned towards a camera and gave it a quick peace sign.

Yeah, you could have guessed that he made this. Any aspiring fame-seeker has made their own music. Though, you’re not sure if you can call this music. It’s not something anyone can dance to… you don’t even think it has a beat.

While debating on whether you should make fun of him or not, the song suddenly did something that greatly interested you.

A heavily edited voice interrupted the flow of the song, “DJ KURT KUNKLE EXCLUSIVE.”

As soon as you comprehended what that was, you burst into a fit of laughter. Every single part of that was absurd and hilarious to you. Kurt looked at you in confusion, which only fueled you to laugh harder.

The song repeated the phrase not even fifteen seconds later, which made you lose it again.

A donation cut through the song, “DJ KURT KUNKLE EXCLUSIVE!”

Tears were flowing freely from your eyes now. If you didn’t pull it together soon, you’d probably stop breathing.

You couldn’t pick out the funniest part. It might have been Kurt calling himself a DJ. It also might have been Kurt calling his song “exclusive”. But really, it’s probably the other ridiculous name he tacked onto the back of his.

Unable to take it any longer, you reached forward and turned the volume all the way down on the radio. The only sound left in the car were your dying giggles. You wiped the tears from your face with the back of your hand.

Kurt looked annoyed at your amusement. He wouldn’t look anywhere near you and sat stiffly. You definitely insulted him; and this time you didn’t even mean to.

“I’m sorry,” You tried, not sounding very genuine.

He kept his eyes glued to the road as he asked, “I don’t really underst- get it. What was so funny?” 

Trying not to further piss him off, you tried to gently explain, “I get that you’re trying to have a “Jason Derulo thing” going on, but that only really works in the beginning of a song. Not thrown around the middle. It just ruins the flow of everything.”

Kurt bit his lip for a second before retorting, “Have you ever made music before?”

“No, but I’ve listened to music before.”

“Apparently not since you don’t know a good song when you hear one,” Kurt said off-handedly while passing a car on the freeway.

You roll your eyes at that, but don’t argue any further. You just got into this car, you don’t want to make this whole trip a shit show.

“...Where did the name “Kunkle” come from?” You asked after a few seconds while biting back a smile.

Or maybe you did. You can’t help it when it comes to Kurt. He’s very easy to poke fun at.

Kurt replied simply with, “It’s my last name.”

Your smile instantly disappeared.

…Oh.

A donation echoed your thoughts back to you, “Pansy doesn’t even know their boyfriend’s name; then insults him while his mom is missing smh.”

Okay, well that’s not your exact thought. More accurately would be that you’re an asshole.

“We’re not dating. Stop calling me a pansy,” You replied automatically; something you feel like you’ll have to remind people often.

Your laughing seemed much more mean-spirited with the added context. He most definitely got made fun of in middle school by having a name like “Kurt Kunkle”. You thought he just came up with it because of the alliteration and needing a stage name. Nope, that’s his real name, and you’re a shitty person.

It also occurred to you that you know next to nothing about Kurt Kunkle. You didn’t know his full name until ten seconds ago. One of the big reasons why you didn’t want to do this stupid stream with him was because you didn’t know him. So far, you’ve made no effort to remedy that.

Honestly… you wanted to know more about him. Kurt fascinated you in a way no one else had before. And that confused you to no end. He wasn’t special, talented, or even a decent person. Sure, he made you laugh, but it was more of him being awkward and weird than being genuinely funny.

But, he wanted you here. Not for a good reason, but he still wanted you.

He scared you because he gave you something to look forward to. These stupid, cringe-ridden car rides were the highlight of your day. For twenty minutes a day you felt like you had a friend. And he had the power to take that away from you at any time. To put you back into a state of feeling nothing but crippling loneliness again. That might be why you push back, make fun of him, and argue with him all of the time. To get it over with before he can hurt you even more.

Holy shit. Your brain needs to shut the hell up and stop analyzing how desperate and pathetic you are for Kurt’s company. It’s just bumming you out. You don’t need to think about it; you’re already aware of your dumb problems.

And of course, this mental anguish was caused solely by you learning that Kurt’s last name is Kunkle.

He’s going to ruin you.

Awkwardly, you tried to move past all of that with a question, your voice holding genuine concern, “Your mom still hasn’t come back or reached out to you?”

Kurt shook his head, still not looking at you.

“I’m sorry, Kurt,” You responded, much more sincere this time.

Kurt shrugged off your apology and mumbled out, “There’s nothing to be sorry for. It’s not like you killed her or anything.”

That last bit wasn’t really necessary. 

You sputtered in mild agitation before saying, “Well, no. I just wanted to express my sympathy. Listen, I’m sorry I made fun of your music, but there’s no reason to keep being pissy.”

…Except for his mom being missing, but you know that’s not the reason for his sour mood.

“I’m not being “pissy”. I’m just… not feeling the love and the sympathy from someone who, frankly, is acting like- like an asshole.”

Why did that one actually sting to hear? You think you might have visibly winced at that. Knowing you were an asshole was already bad enough. Being told that you were an asshole made you want to hide away for a while. It’s always been like that. Conflict scared you. You almost felt more nervous at knowing Kurt was mad at you than someone swinging a knife at you.

A donation came through, “THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING!”

Your frown deepened as you were just reminded that god knows how many people are watching you right now. Your palms were getting sweaty.

“I’m not trying to be an asshole. I was trying to move past the music bullshit-”

“Oh, oh now you think my beats are bullshit? How “not asshole” of you.”

“I wasn’t calling your songs bullshit! I was calling this stupid argument bullshit!” You defended in anxious agitation.

Kurt scoffed and shook his head before saying, “It honestly doesn’t matter. The stuff- shit you’ve been saying is hurtful. And I don’t appreciate it on my stream or in my Spree. Both of those- these places are places of love.”

You didn’t even mean to insult him! It was literal uncontrollable laughter. All of this shit over a “DJ Kurt Kunkle exclusive”, holy shit.

Closing your eyes, you took a metaphorical step back. Calm down. You took in a deep breath and exhaled. You’re in the wrong this time. You might not know him, but you can tell Kurt is not the type to stay mad and hate you forever. Apologize like an adult.

The fact that you care enough about a man, who uses you for clout, to worry about his feelings towards you is ridiculous. If you thought about it too hard, you’d probably end up at the conclusion that you’re not really in the wrong. You don’t have nearly enough energy to do that, though. 

You opened your eyes again and shifted in your seat to face Kurt. 

You spoke in a far gentler tone than the one you were just using, “Hey… You’re right. I’m being an asshole right now. I’m sorry… seriously this time.”

His eyes widened a little more and he finally looked at you, making eye contact. He wasn’t expecting you to genuinely apologize to him. Jesus, were you coming across that much as an asshole that he thought you’d keep degrading him?

“You are?” He asked in astonishment. 

Your hands lifted up and dropped back into your lap, a gesture that this really wasn’t a big deal.

“Yeah, are we cool?”

He looked back at the road with a considerably less unhappy expression. It looked like he was contemplating what he wanted to do.

Coming to a decision, he suddenly turned the steering wheel violently and the car jerked out of the lane it was in. He cut through two lanes of traffic, nearly causing a car accident in the process.

Your heart jumped into your throat and you yelped in fear. Your hands covered your eyes, afraid you were watching your own death about to happen. Angry car honking sounded for a few seconds. Then silence.

Then Kurt let out a little excited huff of laughter.

You lowered your hands from your face and looked up. You could feel your pulse thumping throughout your entire body.

He parked his Prius in the parking lot of an auto repair shop. 

Slowly, eyes still wide and pupils still dilated, you look at Kurt. He looked back and forth between you and the camera on the dashboard. Clearly he was proud of the stunt he just pulled.

“What the fuck was that, you psycho?” You half-shout, sounding out of breath from how much adrenaline was still pumping in your veins.

He shrugged it off like it was no big deal, but another breathy laugh passed his lips.

“Just making things a little more exciting for the viewers, you know?” He replied.

You stared at him for a moment, boring your eyes into his head.

Then you hit his arm with each word you growled to get the message through his thick skull, “Don’t. You. Ever. Do. That. Shit. Again!”

He leaned away from the blows to somewhat lessen them and let out a weak, “Ow!” when you were done. His other hand came up to rub at the now-sore spot on his arm.

A donation only pissed you off more, “Thank you Mr. Kunkle, I very much enjoyed your reckless driving.”

You looked into the nearest camera and shouted, “Don’t fucking encourage him!”

You leant back onto the seat with a shaky sigh. 

Just like the last time you feared for your life, a rush of euphoria ran through you. It felt like you were high off of something. This time, you hid the giddy feeling building up in your chest. You absolutely did not want to give Kurt the idea that you enjoyed almost dying. Even if something in you really did like it for some reason.

That’s a mildly alarming part of yourself that you’re going to have to analyze more when you’re alone later.

Kurt watched you cautiously, unsure of what to say.

You turned your head against the chair to meet his eyes again.

“What are we doing here?” You asked tiredly.

Kurt perked up at that and smiled. He took his phone off of the stand and began typing.

“I was going to make a poll to see if I should- if everyone thinks I should forgive you,” He said when he finished typing.

You can’t believe you felt even a little guilty for making fun of this piece of shit. 

Scowling at him, you loudly complained, “You don’t need your chat to make that decision for you!”

“But audience participation is a good way to entice- to hold onto new followers… That would be a good tip to give during The Lesson if we were doing that stream. I guess I’ll give that one to you guys for free. You’re welcome, guys. You got it- heard it here first,” He said in his tutorial-performance voice while looking into the camera.

He finished his spiel with a peace sign. As expected.

It’s during times like these where you consider going off the grid and living in the California desert for the rest of your sad life.

You chose to not acknowledge the stupid shit he just spewed to the camera. There’s not enough emotional energy for it in you. All of that was drained when you almost had a panic attack over the thought of your loser Spree driver being mad at you. And then he almost killed you by driving through two lanes of oncoming traffic.

“What did the poll say?” You asked monotonously instead.

He looked at his phone, his mouth making a thin line.

“The viewers still have two more minutes to vote,” Kurt said before sitting back patiently.

Fantastic.

The car felt too quiet while Kurt was distracted with his poll. The guy has a major obsession with numbers. You were probably doing nothing but enabling it by being here.

You boredly looked outside. Maybe if you two waited here long enough, the police would show up. Someone might have reported Kurt for nearly killing multiple people. That would be funny; his chat would probably think so too.

It’s another cloudless day in Los Angeles. The sun is high in the sky, and it’s quickly warming your lap now that the car is still.

This auto repair shop looks abandoned. The windows on the store are busted and the only cars here look totaled beyond repair. You wish you could afford a car. If you had a car, you wouldn’t have ever ordered a Spree. Then you wouldn’t be sitting in a grody parking lot while you wait for internet strangers to decide if the other internet stranger should forgive you for calling his music shitty.

Something moved under one of the cars. You turned your head to look at it better; your eyes squinted a little in concentration. It moved again.

Oh my god.

You sat up and pointed frantically towards the car. An expression of awe adorned your features.

You looked behind you at Kurt to see him looking at you like you were crazy.

“There’s kittens! Under the car! Kittens, Kurt!” You said excitedly, music bullshit successfully forgotten for now.

His expression morphed into that of surprise. He sat up a little higher to look past you.

“Where? I can’t see them,” He said in slight disappointment.

Your left arm grasped onto his shoulder to guide him where to look. You ignored the excited spark that ran up it. With your right arm, you pointed towards the car with the kittens under it.

“There. Can you see them now?” You asked in a giddy whisper.

A look of recognition appeared on Kurt’s face and he smiled while nodding. Briefly, he looked into your eyes with that same expression still there. You looked back towards the kittens so your heart could start beating again.

A donation cut through the probably one-sided tense moment, “SHOW US THE PUSSIES!”

You already began to unbuckle your seatbelt. Kurt started to scramble on his side of the car. He pulled the phone off of the stand and followed your lead.

“Wait- Are- What are we doing with the kittens?” Kurt asked.

Already half-way out of the vehicle, you responded, “Seeing if we can find their mom.”

You didn’t have much of a plan. If the cats had a mom, or were feral, you would leave them alone. There’s not much you could do if they didn’t have a mom or weren’t feral. You didn’t have a cat carrier on hand or a way to get them out from under the car.

You half-jogged to the totaled vehicle. Kurt could be heard following behind you. The California sun was already beating down on you.

When you approached the car with the kittens under it, you frowned in disgust.

Towards the front of the car, there was a bent cardboard box with a few bowls in it and some blankets. In one of the bowls was cat food. Bugs already began to infest the free food. The other bowl was empty. You assumed it was water that dried up or was already drunk by the kittens.

These kittens aren’t feral, they’re abandoned. Fuck.

“Some people shouldn’t have pets, I swear…” You muttered angrily more to yourself than anyone else.

You looked behind you to give Kurt a sad look. You frowned deeper when you noticed the phone being pointed at your face.

“What’s, uh, the situation?” Kurt asked, looking at you through the screen.

The situation is that you would hate yourself forever if you left who knows how many kittens to die of dehydration. 

A few months ago, you had to put down your baby, a fluffy black cat named Jinx. You’ve had that fat boy since you were a child. He followed you to live in LA and comforted you during all of the depressive states you’ve been in. He was your biggest support system, even if he couldn’t talk to you. There’s a very soft spot in you for kitties.

You didn’t need to explain all of that to Kurt and his audience of freaks.

You looked off to the side and said, “Well… I don’t…” in thought.

Ugh, fuck it.

Getting onto your knees, you bent down until your eye-level was even with the underside of the car.

“THE BJ IS HAPPENING?” A donation exclaimed through Kurt’s phone.

“Does this look like a blow job?” You asked somewhat quietly in annoyance.

You would do the classic, “scream and complain” at the absurd comment, but you didn’t want to scare the kittens. 

Shit, you and Kurt were really developing a stupid routine for his dumb audience.

Now that you could see under the car, you counted three kittens in total. Each looking just old enough to leave their mother. None of them had the same coat. There was a striped orange one, a light gray one, and a black one. The gray one was the closest to you.

You held your hand out to the gray kitten and half-whispered in a higher pitched tone, “Hi, come here, baby.”

The kitten came forward and sniffed the tip of your finger before backing away in fear. Poor babies.

You bent forward a little more to try and grab it, but couldn’t reach.

Huffing a sigh, you moved back and rested on your knees. You winced slightly as the rocks on the pavement dug into your legs.

You looked back up at Kurt who was watching you intensely. Your eyes widened a little bit at the focus being put onto you. Kurt noticed you staring back at him and gave you a smile. 

It might only be your fourth stream together, but it’s rare that you and Kurt are outside of his car together. It was weird to see him standing. He was tall; even taller while you were on your knees. The last time you saw him outside of the car, he was being mugged. That thing that gave you both very minor fame on the internet.

You just remembered he was filming you. And had a great view of your ass while you looked under the car. You frowned again and stood up. He was a few inches taller than you. You aren’t sure how to feel about that.

Reaching forward, you made a grabby motion for the phone. Surprisingly, Kurt handed it over with no resistance. You took the phone into your hands and flipped it over to point at Kurt. He stared back at you with wide, confused eyes.

He didn’t verbally question it and started addressing the viewers in his performing voice, “Uh, hey guys. Kurt from Kurt’s World here. I’m out here with our favorite Spree passenger, Pansy-”

“What? Don’t call me that,” You complained with an annoyed look.

His face fell slightly.

“That’s what they like to call you sometimes,” He defended, looking back at your face.

You threw your hands up and let them drop before saying, “Just call me by my actual name.”

He waved his hands and said, “It’s too late, let’s just… do the vlog.”

“It’s not a vlog, we’re still streaming this dumpster fire,” You responded idly.

“A stream can- probably can still be a vlog if you think about it,” He argued back.

You rolled your eyes at him and said, “Whatever! Just get down there and save the kittens.”

Kurt stared at you blankly, then looked back at the car with the kittens under it. Then back to you and the phone. 

“You want me to get the kittens?” He asked.

You gave him a dumbfounded look.

“Yeah, that’s why I took the phone,” You said, slightly mocking.

He had longer arms, and you didn’t want to bend over in front of the camera again.

“Do you think that’ll be, uh, good content?” He questioned.

Your arms dropped to your sides as you stared at him. His eyes followed the phone, which was now pointing at the ground.

“That’s not a very efficient or- or even decent-looking camera angle,” Kurt not-at-all subtly hinted for you to hold the phone back up.

“Get me a kitten, and I’ll do whatever you want.”

“...Anything?” Kurt asked with a playful smirk that made you reconsider most of your life’s choices.

Fighting off the nonsensical butterflies in your stomach, you hum in agreement.

Still giving you that playful look, Kurt egged you on, “Hype up the stream- get the viewers hyped and I’ll get them. I cross my heart and hope to die… that’s like another way to say I promise.”

Then he traced an X over his heart with his finger. It was… annoyingly cute. 

The act itself wasn’t annoying. But you finding it kind of adorable was annoying. Kurt is not cute. Kurt is not attractive. He is obnoxious and his hair is coated in grease. 

You reminded yourself that the kittens would probably die if you left them here.

With an over-dramatic sigh, you flip the camera on the phone to face you. You give a big toothy smile like you’re faking being happy at a family function from years ago.

“What’s up, everyone? It’s me, that rideshare passenger that dislocated a man’s jaw with a drill. Totally not a pansy or anything! I’m here with Kurt from Kurtsworld96, and we’re about to rescue some itty bitty kitties! I sure hope the closest hospital has rabies shots just in case! Use the hashtag, “PickingUpPussy” on Twitter and you might be chosen to get a free Kurt’s World hat in any color you choose!”

You finished your mock-influencer plug with a peace sign at the camera like you’ve seen Kurt do so many fucking times.

After your face drops into its previous neutral expression, you give a fake, overexaggerated gag. Then you flip the camera back over. On the screen, you see Kurt staring at you in shock. It was a similar expression to how you looked when you found out Kurt was your Spree driver the second time.

You couldn’t tell if he was shocked in a good way or a bad way. Was that so cringey that you even made Kurt Kunkle cringe? Or was it so good that you made the wannabe influence cream his pants? Your face better be overheating because of the sun… You know it’s because you’re embarrassed.

Feeling self-conscious, you made the mistake of looking at the chat next to Kurt on the screen. The chat of almost 3,000 people.

cycl0n3sw0rd: oml he just fell in luv ❤️

daisyoffthechain: are they fr about the free hat?

beeheaded99: I also gagged

sssshwing: I JUST WANNA SEE THE CATS!!!!!

candy666999: i almost have enough clips to make a kurtxpansy comp :3

b0nez0ne: 🍰🍰🍰

cybercel1631: FOR FREE???

uwufr33k: the power(tool) couple both thicc omgggg

You looked back from the chat to the livestream. Kurt was on his knees, ass-up while he dug under the car for the kittens. It was almost the exact stance you took while you were looking at the kittens.

You guess he’s not going to bring up the shit he just asked you to do. That’s probably a good thing. Nothing sounds better right now than moving past that.

He grunted and you could barely see his face from where you were standing. He stared under the car in fierce concentration. Sweat started to bead at his temple. It gave off the illusion that his oily bangs were wet from sweat. If you forgot the truth, you might find this incredibly hot.

“Do you think you can get them?” You ask, voice sounding slightly breathy.

This time you really did cringe at yourself.

Kurt didn’t answer you. You were about to repeat yourself in a more normal way, but then he shuffled out from his position. He had a huge, satisfied smile on his face and a small, gray kitten in his hand. The tiny thing was about the size of his hand.

Like the first time you laid eyes on one of the kittens, all of your worries were shoved under the rug. You mimicked Kurt’s smile and shuffled forward until you were about two feet away from Kurt. The phone in your hand moved from Kurt’s adorable, goofy smile to the kitty.

The kitten let out a little distressed meow and Kurt shushed it soothingly like he would to a human baby. Then he held it closer to the camera and looked from the kitten to your face.

His smile softened into something so sweet that your stomach hurt.

You refused to acknowledge any thoughts or feelings you had at that moment.

“Their family is growing <3” A donation sounded from the phone, half-scaring you and making you jump.

How do you keep forgetting that people are watching this?

After recovering from the tiniest scare, you smile again and switch the phone to your non-dominant hand. You reached out and lightly petted the kitten. Its fur was very soft, making you smile a little more.

“Hi, baby!” You quietly cooed at it.

“I don’t know what’s cuter, uh, you or the kitty,” Kurt said in his awkward performance voice.

Your smile fell and you looked up at Kurt in annoyed exasperation. He grinned stiffly back at you. Of course, the idiot streamer would take the opportunity to fuel your weird niche shipping community. 

A glance at the chat told you that they were pretty split on opinions. Half of them were egging on Kurt to make a move on you. The other half were hurling slurs at him and calling him cringe. You liked neither side.

Rolling your eyes, you gently lifted the kitten from Kurt’s hand. Kurt helped you balance the baby in your hand, your fingers brushing against each other.

Now with two full hands, you motioned with your head back towards the car.

“I’m gonna go put the kitty in the air conditioning. Would you try to get the other two?” You asked with an encouraging smile.

“Uh, sure. Will you come back to film?” He asked in return.

You’re not even surprised.

Letting out a tired huff of a laugh, you responded with, “Yeah, don’t worry about it.”

Kurt nodded and gave you an appreciative look. Then he turned around to get back to your joint kitten rescue.

“Kurt?”

He paused and turned his head to stare at you questioningly.

“I really appreciate this, man. Thank you,” You said genuinely before you could think about regretting it.

His eyes widened a little in surprise as he took in what you said. He opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, but then he closed it again a second later. It was like he had no idea how to react to someone showing him gratitude. 

You didn’t want to wait around for him to think of something potentially cringe-inducing to say. So, you faced the still-running car and walked back over to it, kitten and livestream still in your hands.

The chat was now encouraging you to make a move on Kurt.

Against your better judgment you said in a semi-hushed tone, “Kurt and I are not, and never will, get together. I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t get your hopes up.”

You opened the back seat car door after maneuvering the phone around in your arms. You climbed in with the kitten and set it down on the seat. It stood still in shock for a moment before taking a couple of steps and sniffing the interior of the car.

Idly, you reached out to pet it while you looked back at the phone screen. By switching the cameras on the app, you could watch the kitten move around the backseat… It was weird watching yourself from the side instead of head-on.

In the chat, people are now either screaming about the kitten or complaining about you not wanting to get with Kurt.

“Why do you guys want to see us get together so bad, anyway? We met six days ago and haven’t done anything remotely romantic or sexual with each other,” You wondered aloud to the chat.

Seconds later, replies to your questions came through.

hunnyp0t: you obv like each other and r 2 dense 2 see it

westside03: its funny

114488deadly: I BLAME THE FANART ITS SO GOOD

candy666999: he was going to poison you with the water and chose not to 

You furrowed your eyes in confusion at that last one.

“He was going to poison me?” You asked with a laugh of disbelief.

The chat stalled for a second before speeding up again. 

cream_and_bread: i forgot about that 😱😱

kittygirl32: WHEN U AND KURT WERE COVERED IN BLOOD I FELT THE SEXUAL TENSION

hotcheetoscheetos: he gets all giggly before he picks you up ❤️

candy666999: he has a video on YT where he poisons the water

xxxmoneyandh00kers: true love = not killing your spree rider

area51tourist: the serial killer stuff was fake af your all dumb

Okay, so it seems like there’s an inside joke where the bottle of water Kurt kept trying to pawn off to you was poisoned. It’s kind of funny, you guess. Apparently there’s a video on YouTube about it? You nearly forgot Kurt has “content” on other platforms. You’ve been avoiding the internet a lot these past few days.

…Is he posting clips of you to YouTube?

Ugh, Jesus Christ.

With a final look at the kitten to make sure it’s okay, you left the car. Carefully, you closed the door behind you. On the screen, you switched the camera to watch the kitten. The camera on the phone was still capturing what was in front of you, you just couldn’t see it.

When you got back to the car you pointed the phone at the ground where Kurt was. Half of his body was under the car. His shirt was riding up and you could see a good chunk of his chest. He has chest hair, you didn’t expect that and your brain short circuited a little bit at the sight.

He stilled, and with his voice slightly muffled under the car, he asked, “Is that you?”

You snapped out of your trance and you answered with a smirk, “Nope, I’m here for all of the money in your wallet.”

Was it too soon to make a mugging joke?

“Well, you’re, uh, going to have a pretty hard time with that. I don’t carry cash in my wallet,” Kurt responded.

You could hear the smile in his voice. Sometimes you have a hard time knowing if Kurt is joking back with you or is serious in his responses. 

“Shit, I was really hoping you’d bash my brains in with a power tool or something,” You casually responded.

…Was it too soon to joke about your death? You met Kurt six days ago .

“To you? No, I wouldn’t ever do that- do anything to hurt you,” He said.

Your smirk disappeared. He sounded too serious for your joking conversation. You wished that you could see his face. Is he grinning with amusement? Is he frowning in concern?

He simply told you that he wouldn’t hurt you. There’s no reason for you to overthink it this hard. 

He just said it kind of weirdly. It’s making you feel an anxious knot in your chest. It sounded like he cared. Like he doesn’t just use you for clout.

“You’re filming this, right?” Kurt asked in slight concern.

A long, drawn-out sigh left your lips. The anxiety was gone, replaced with numbing disappointment.

He does use you for clout. And he’d picked up a new hobby of either poorly flirting with you or making you think that he cares. All to encourage his viewers to talk about you two potentially dating each other. 

You knew that. You have no right to feel hurt over it.

“Yeah,” You said, void of any emotion.

“Sweet, great. I, uh, have another one… I can’t get out without letting it go, though,” Kurt said.

He was pretty far underneath the car. You thought about leaving him there for a little while, but he was also holding onto a kitten.

“Is it okay if I touch you?” You asked, almost immediately flinching when you realized what you said.

“Uh…”

A donation rang through the phone’s speaker, “STUCK PORN STUCK PORN STUCK PORN”

“Not like that, holy fucking shit,” You bit out.

Not waiting for Kurt to make everything worse, you shoved the phone under your armpit and bent over. With each hand, you grabbed one of Kurt’s pant legs. Then you began to pull as you shuffled backwards. 

Kurt’s prone body slid out from under the car. Clutched to his chest was the black kitten, who looked around confused. When his face was revealed, he squinted at the sudden light blinding him. His hair was splayed over the pavement.

He looked up at you standing over him and smiled, looking proud of himself. He held the kitten up, presenting it to you.

“Where’s my- where’d you put my phone?” Kurt asked, his smile faltering.

Rolling your eyes, you took it back out from under your arm and pointed it at him. He smiled again in recognition.

You reached down and took the kitten into your hand. It meowed at the transfer. You couldn’t stay upset when you heard it. You pressed a gentle kiss to the top of its head and couldn’t fight the adoring look on your face. 

Kurt made a move to sit up, but you stopped him with your foot lightly touching his chest. His shirt fell back down in the motion, covering his chest again. He looked back up at you in wonder, mouth opening slightly in question. Oh god the chat is probably saying some stupid shit right now. You aren’t going to look.

“Pansy dom confirmed.”

You didn’t have to, the donation told you everything you needed to hear.

Ignoring that, you told Kurt, “You still have one more down there, bucko.”

Kurt’s head fell to the side and he looked under the car, exposing his neck to you. A bead of sweat trailed down it.

“I’ll be back,” You muttered before walking back to Kurt’s Prius, not giving him a chance to say anything.

You are weak.

You dropped the new kitten off in the car to join its brother/sister. They sniffed at each other while you closed the car door. You wish you had some sort of cat carrier. Those little buggers are going to have to hold tight while Kurt drives you home.

A moment later, you returned to the kitten car and assisted Kurt in retrieving the final kitten, the striped orange one. It didn’t take him as long to get this one. He stood up on wobbly legs and you traded him the kitten for his phone. 

On the walk back to the car, you resisted the urge to dust off Kurt’s back for him. His shirt is covered in dirt from the decayed parking lot.

Kurt got into the driver’s seat while you placed the final kitten in the back seat. Its siblings welcomed it with quiet meows.

You then threw yourself into the passenger seat and put your seatbelt on.

“What a crazy adventure, huh guys? It was, uh, certainly a turn of events, that’s for sure,” He said into the camera.

It’s amazing how Kurt can say so many words while also saying nothing at all. 

“If you even go over the speed limit on our way to my home, I will report your stream everyday until it gets taken down,” You threaten Kurt.

Kurt didn’t respond to your threat. He looked behind the both of you to where the kittens were freely walking around the backseat. He met your eyes.

“What are we, uh, going to do with them?” He asked.

Good question. From the looks of it, you now had three cats.

“Take them to my house. I still have stuff from when my cat died,” You answered.

Kurt’s features softened, “Your cat died?”

He didn’t know you had a cat until just now. You reminded yourself that he doesn’t really care about your cat dying.

“Uh huh, now what should we name these babies?” You stirred the conversation away from giving Kurt another opportunity to pretend to give a shit for the camera.

Kurt looked at the kittens again in thought. He moved to sit properly in the driver’s seat again. 

“One of them- we could name one Kurtie… you know, after all of the Kurties watching,” Kurt suggested while shifting the car into reverse.

Then he grinned while looking into the camera on his door.

“Absolutely not, none of them are being named after any influencer shit,” You insisted while making sure the kitties were okay while the car moved.

A donation gave even less of a decent suggestion, “You could name one of them what H.P. Lovecraft named his cat.”

You knew the joke.

“Wow, how subtle and absolutely hilarious,” You replied with deep sarcasm.

“...What did he name his cat?” Kurt asked, seemingly genuinely not knowing.

You gave Kurt an incredulous look.

“Don’t you like, live on the internet? How have you not heard of that?” You asked.

Kurt shrugged and pulled the car out onto the highway again.

“I just- I’ve been driving my Spree a lot lately. I might not, uh, see all of the current trends. I can’t look at- scroll through social media while I drive.”

“But streaming while you drive is fine, I guess… How often do you drive around LA?”

“Well, usually twelve hours most days since that’s the limit per day on Spree. But sometimes you can use this, uh, exploit to take riders as long as you want.”

Your jaw dropped. Twelve hours a day? Most days? That’s longer than most full-time jobs. You would off yourself if you worked consistent twelve-hour days. No wonder his hair is always so greasy; did he have any time to shower?

“Dude… You’re going to get blood clots in your legs or something if you keep that up. What’s that called? Deep vein thrombosis or something like that,” You said with concern.

He waved you off like it was no big deal. 

“Can we, uh, name the orange cat Lasagna? Like a reference to Garfield,” He asked with a grin.

Kurt was using your misdirection tactic against you. Look at him go.

Fine, okay. You can give it to him. It’s not like you’d want him to discuss your health concerns in front of thousands of people.

“...Sure, that one’s Lasagna.”

He huffed a proud laugh to himself and looked at the phone. Probably looking towards the viewers for their approval as well.

Minutes later, Kurt pulled down your street and parked in front of your house. You bit your lip in thought and looked back at the three kittens happily stumbling all over Kurt’s car.

“Kurt.”

“Yeah?”

“Can you help me take the kittens to my house?”

Kurt looked unnecessarily delighted at the request. His excited expression alone was almost enough to make you reconsider. You understood the reason for his elation when he grabbed for his phone.

You groaned and said, “No, leave the stream here.”

His face fell and he looked back at you, conflicted.

“But you could give a house tour. It would be amazing, uh, entertaining content,” He pleaded.

Firmly, you shook your head and explained, “No, that’s my private living space. I wouldn’t be comfortable with thousands of people seeing inside my house.”

Kurt looked like he was debating whether he should even help you at all. Is he so fucking desperate for non-stop content creation, that he’d rather sit in his car than help you? Apparently.

“Please, Kurt. A minute, that’s all I ask,” You practically begged the pathetic loser.

Defeated, he left his phone on the stand. Then he unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car. You thanked god that a donation didn’t come through and begged him to stay. You knew that was all it would take to convince him.

You followed him out of the car and around to the backseat. He took Lasagna and the gray one. You took the black one and hurried towards your house. These babies need to get some water. You have no idea how long they’ve been out there without any.

Kurt followed cautiously behind you. Once on your doorstep, you pulled out your keys from the holder in your backpack and unlocked the door. The door was nudged open with your foot and you shuffled inside. You held it open for Kurt to come in. He did so while looking around alertly.

Christ, you just invited Kurt into your home.

That’s totally not going to be something you regret later or anything.

You put the kitty on the floor of your kitchen and Kurt did the same. You expected Kurt to immediately bolt the moment his job was done, but he stayed standing awkwardly in your kitchen.

The kittens waddled around, checking the place out. Lasagna and the black kitty paused their exploration to tackle each other. You know your heart is going to melt multiple times tonight from watching them.

“This is, uh, nice. Your kitchen is very clean,” He said somewhat quieter than you’re used to hearing.

You met his eyes, your face remaining neutral. You have no clue what to think right now.

“Thanks,” Is all you managed to say.

“Um, if you want, I can think of some more names for the cats,” He awkwardly offered while still looking around your kitchen.

At this point, it sounds like he’s trying to come up for reasons to stick around longer. You did your best to squash any false hope that was bubbling in your chest. He is not your friend. He doesn’t care about you.

You couldn’t help but let out a short laugh anyway. Kurt’s good at making you laugh.

“Sure, bring a list for the ride home tomorrow,” You reply with an amused smile.

“Right. That’s a good idea,” He responded, still standing there, not leaving.

Instead of trying to kick him out, another thought entered your head. Something stupid that you forgot about.

With another small laugh, you asked, “Hey, what did that poll say earlier?”

Maybe you were looking for excuses to keep him around too. You haven’t had a guest in your house in… shit it might have been actual years.

Kurt looked confused for a moment before he perked up in recognition.

“Oh, that poll! Don’t- don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter. I forgive you,” He said with an adorable toothy smile.

You want to scream in frustration. There aren't even any cameras here. He is the fucking champion of mixed messages. Now, you aren’t sure what the hell he thinks about you in his one-track mind. Does he think about you at all?

“Oh, uh, cool,” You replied awkwardly while staring at your feet.

Great, now you’re the one being awkward and cringey. You normally are, but it’s not really a stiff competition when you’re in the same space as Kurt.

Kurt shifted on his feet and looked back at your front door.

“I should probably get back to the stream. The viewers are going to, you know, make, uh, assumptions about what we’re doing,” Kurt explained.

Oh, you know, alright.

You nodded and Kurt moved for the door.

Goddamn it, you hate yourself so much.

“Hey,” You called when his hand grabbed the door handle.

He looked at you curiously.

You made him wait in anticipation as you walked over to your kitchen counter and pulled your phone out of a pocket on your backpack. Then you met him by the door, unlocked your phone, and handed it to him

He stared at your phone, unsure of what to do with it.

“Text yourself. You should have my number… You know, in case I call off sick from work or something,” You instruct, face getting redder with each word.

Kurt looked up and met your eyes in disbelief. You held eye-contact wordlessly for a few seconds. Slowly, his mouth formed a giddy smile.

He began typing on your phone. Then he returned it back to you.

“I could send you those cat name suggestions even sooner,” He said with the same bright smile.

“Kurt, if you blow up my phone, I’m blocking your ass,” You warned half-jokingly.

With one last awkward moment of staring at each other and not saying anything, Kurt opened the front door to leave.

He said your name, followed by, “See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow,” You said back.

Then he was gone. You watched the door for a couple more seconds before looking down at the kitty infestation in your kitchen.

What the hell just happened today?

Doesn’t fucking matter. Let’s get these babies taken care of. 

Then… maybe later you can see if Kurt posted any stupid shit about you on YouTube or Twitter.

Chapter Text

Tonight, you were in a weird mood. You didn’t know if you were still reeling from spontaneously saving and adopting three kittens, or if you were just simply in an odd headspace.

Since meeting Kurt, you avoided most social media sites (unless it was to private them or block new followers). You sought your entertainment elsewhere lately. Netflix and Hulu quickly got boring. You read half of a book you’ve been putting off since moving to LA. Video games have been fun to you again. You already finished replaying Portal 2. And now, you’re about half-way through replaying Fallout: New Vegas.

However, tonight you were laying on your couch in the living room with YouTube open on your phone. Kurt’s face stared back at you from multiple different video thumbnails. Your curiosity got the best of you and you wanted to see what the hell Kurt was posting. 

You weren’t entirely sure if you were ready to see what kind of internet presence Kurt actually had. The thought scared you. You would be finding out who the public associated you with. Anyone you could ever meet in the future could search your name and see all of whatever is here. Whatever is here and the artwork of you in compromising positions with Kurt.

Hopefully whoever this metaphorical person is doesn’t dig that far.

One of the kittens batted at your arm that you had dangling off of the couch. You pet him or her without looking down, eyes still stuck to the screen. The kittens have been here for about five hours, and they’ve already made themselves at home. They’re probably just happy to not be living under a car anymore. They’re all so sweet. Whoever left them all alone must not have a beating heart or a soul.

Your finger tapped on the first video you saw.

“KurtsWorld96 - Draw My Life”

You were immediately greeted by Kurt saying that his birth was an accident. You snorted a laugh and covered your mouth with your free hand. The kitten below the couch meowed at the loss of affection.

Kurt then explained his mother being unable to breastfeed him while drawing stick figures of himself and his family. God, he’s so unintentionally funny that you can hardly take it sometimes.

Your jaw dropped when Kurt casually moved right into talking about 9/11. You then stopped laughing when he described people jumping from the Twin Towers as “fascinating”. Your thumb swiped away the video from your screen once Kurt said the sentence, “No one could ever forget an event like that, real or fake.”

You are praying to whatever higher powers exist, that he didn’t intend to imply that 9/11 was fake.

Already off to a fantastic start.

Earlier, you told yourself that you wanted to know more about Kurt. You had twelve more minutes of his “draw my life” video to get that info. But, you would rather not learn more about the man through a video where he spent two minutes talking about 9/11. You would rather forget Kurt talking about 9/11 entirely.

You selected a different video. One that looked just as cringey, but in a different way.

“VapeTalk - !nEwFlAvOrAlErT! Marshmallow”

That confirmed your suspicion that Kurt vapes. Not surprising, he always smelled like some sort of fruit-based chemical.

Kurt started the video by promising that he would watch his own video, type everything he said, and then publish his review for everyone to read in detail… By now, you know how Kurt talks pretty well. In a way, you found his occasional stuttering and jumbling of words cute. But you really hoped he didn’t actually type out every single word he said.

He then began coughing and describing the “mouthfeel” of the vape. The phrase “mouthfeel” made your eyes widen in surprised amusement. Maybe Kurt was intentionally funny sometimes too.

He hit the vape again. The vapor escaped his mouth as soon as he pulled away.

You immediately choked on nothing when you heard Kurt say, “The call me Mr. Mouthfeel for a reason-”

The video was paused while you recovered from that. Your choking turned into giggles. No one in Kurt’s life has ever called him “Mr. Mouthfeel” and you can guarantee that after sharing a few car rides with him.

Not thinking, you go into the comments. You then click away from that video too after reading the first comment:

Wizard Frog - 1 day ago

does pansy call you mr mouthfeel lmao
👍 340

You should have predicted that. Why did you bother to look?

And why the fuck do they keep calling you a pansy? You have a name. They call Kurt by his name. That’s not fair.

It was a little bizarre to see yourself mentioned in the comments of a YouTube video. Sometimes you couldn’t really believe that thousands of people are invested in your car ride home every day. Kurt got mugged. That was the only exciting thing to happen. It isn’t going to happen again, so why is Kurt’s viewerbase still growing?

Your silent questions brought you to another video. One that you’re pretty sure you remember being mentioned in Kurt’s stream chat. Something about Kurt trying to poison you with water.

#thelesson - Prep Your Bottles! (11 days away!)

It started out surprisingly boring for Kurt. He recapped his “water review” or whatever and brought a bunch of water bottles onto a wooden table. Then he brought out the needles.

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion and you sat up. The video continued to show Kurt teaching his viewers how to discreetly inject what looked like formaldehyde into water bottles. Then he used a hot glue gun to seal the injection site. 

You watched the entire thing, entranced. Kurt finished the video by counting down to The Lesson and fucking dabbing.

Blinking twice, you sat back. Then you laughed in disbelief and ran a hand through your hair. That stupid idiot is going to get himself arrested.

He can’t just pretend to inject poison into water bottles and then say that he intended to give them to his Spree riders. The formaldehyde label looked super realistic too. Why did he pick this video to up his production value?

And now his mom is missing? You’re surprised the man hasn’t been questioned by the police yet. Holy shit, what if your goddamned job sees this video and finds out you hang out with a psycho?

Maybe you should text him. Tell him to take the dumb video down.

You expelled that thought quickly from your head. No, you aren’t going to text Kurt. You promised yourself that you wouldn’t text him first unless you were telling him that you weren’t going to be at work. Breaking that self-imposed rule would only further spiral you down the idea that Kurt cared about you outside of content creation.

Which, he doesn’t.

So, you aren’t going to let yourself feed into those delusions. It was bad enough when he was nice to you in your kitchen earlier today. Kurt was cruel to you, and he didn’t even know it. Maybe if he knew how lonely you were, and how drunk off of his company you got, he’d find someone else to take home every day.

Distracting yourself, you scroll to the comments on the poisoned water bottle video. Your name got thrown around a lot. Some of the commenters echoed the previously stated opinion that Kurt loves you because he didn’t kill you. Smarter commenters brought up that it was fake. Arguments naturally ensued.

People are desperate for a reason as to why you two should get together. They always have been. It was odd.

The rest of the night you watched other videos mindlessly while taking turns cuddling each new kitten whenever they approached you on the couch.

You watched a video where he was playing video games. He swore enough that he had to close his bedroom door in the middle of it so his mom wouldn’t hear. At least, you assumed he lived with his mom. That fits in with the idea of Kurt you had in your mind.

It was probably your favorite video. Something about Kurt stuttering though threatening to fuck someone was hilarious to you. And… you won’t admit it, but Kurt swearing did something else to you that you couldn’t explain.

Sweeping those feelings under the rug, you also watched a couple of videos where Kurt isn’t wearing a shirt. One was where he shuffled cards and one-

Oh shit, never mind. This is your favorite video. It’s the one where he doesn’t say a word; he just played with a Tek Dek for a minute or so. He did little tricks with it and dropped it a few times. It was so dorky that it was almost adorable.

…Holy shit, stop looking at his bare chest.

Being stupid, you moved over to Instagram and searched his name. His account came up, and it was honestly a lot more wholesome than his YouTube account. He shared fanart on his story and complimented each one in a characteristically awkward way. He interacted with fans by typing out a paragraph when he could have said a sentence and gotten the same point across.

He did that in person too.

Some of the fanart involved you and was actually really nice and well-made. You felt a little bad for not acknowledging some of it. Other fanart made you instantly regret thinking that. Like the one where you and Kurt were violently making out with each other. Or the edgy one where you’re both covered in blood and holding knives… wouldn’t be great if your boss saw that one.

Kurt’s older Instagram posts held his usual cringe. You saw what Bobby looked like for the first time. Wow, he was actually a minor, or he at least looked like one. That made Kurt’s desperation for his attention slightly more pathetic.

When you decided that you were done stalking Kurt’s socials, you did something you had a feeling you would regret later.

You followed his Instagram.

It was only because you liked the art (for the most part) and that’s what you’ll continue to tell yourself. You shouldn’t have been as surprised as you were when you were notified that Kurt requested to follow you back two minutes later.

It was almost midnight. Does this man not ever sleep? He spent at least twelve hours driving and still managed to be awake at midnight. No wonder he acts deranged all of the time.

You accepted his follow request.

A sigh passed your lips when you got a message from Kurt on Instagram. You tapped the notification to see what he had to say.

Hi! You followed me!

I would think that it was my birthday or something but my birthday was weeks ago

You don’t think that following Kurt was a big enough deal to be considered a birthday gift. Either his social media obsession was even more out of proportion than you thought, or Kurt never received a decent birthday gift. You’re not sure which was sadder.

Setting your phone down, you pet the gray kitten napping on your chest. These little buggers are killing you with cuteness. You wonder if they’ll still trust you this much after you take them to the vet tomorrow. Considering that you’re planning on getting them all vaccinated, probably not.

Your phone vibrated next to you on the couch and you quietly groaned in agitation. If it’s Kurt…

It’s Kurt.

Can’t wait for tomorrow’s stream! How are the cats? I have been thinking of what other names would be good and I can’t wait for you to hear my ideas

Earlier, you were proud of Kurt. He exceeded your expectations and didn’t bother you at all after you gave him your number. Of course, you had to go ahead and give him the littlest sliver of attention and set him off.

You ignored the excited trill in your chest from him giving you attention.

Not wanting to start a whole conversation when the both of you should really be in bed, you held your phone up and opened your camera. You lifted the phone higher until your face and the kitten were in frame. After adjusting the angle to be a little more flattering, you took a picture. You sent that picture to Kurt with a vague warning.

(image)

don’t you dare post this anywhere

It’s not a bad photo by any means. It’s actually a little cute now that you’re properly looking at it. However, you know Kurt would share it with his fans if you didn’t say anything. He’d probably showcase the fact that you sent him a selfie to encourage the shipping community even more.

Your phone vibrated again and you held it back up to look at it. You stopped breathing.

Cute ❤️

…Was he legitimately flirting with you? It was one word and one emoji. But that was enough to make your chest pleasantly constrict and your pulse spike. Because you’re that lonely.

That message doesn’t mean anything. He’s talking about the cat. You forced yourself to take a deep breath.

He never typed that little before on… anything.

Because there isn’t much to say. It’s just a picture of you with a cat.

You don’t think you’ve seen him use a solid red heart emoji on any of his posts.

Shakily, you exhaled.

You’re really overthinking everything this man says to you. Most things he says could be taken multiple different ways. Your heart, as cheesy and embarrassing as it sounds, wanted to believe Kurt said those things because he liked you. It’s similar to the way you would react to crushes you’ve had in high school. You would interpret them being nice to you as flirting with you. Then you would be heartbroken when it turned out that they really were just being nice.

Except here, instead of wishing for Kurt to like like you, you just wanted him to like you.

You didn’t have a crush on Kurt. Because you aren’t dumb. Kurt is sketchy and a little insane. His hair is greasy and his music taste sucks. He put your life in danger twice and stalked you outside of your work. He only uses you for views. He doesn’t give a shit about you.

…But he’s cute at the same time. He helped you save kittens and made you laugh constantly. He made you feel things again and saved your life from a mugger. He pushed boundaries, but never crossed them if you didn’t give him permission to. He looked at you in awe and kept coming back each day to see you. He acted like he loved spending time with you. He might actually give a shit about you. 

You are dumb.

You are.

Because you do have a crush on Kurt Kunkle.

Kurtsworld96. DJ Kurt Kunkle. Mr. Mouthfeel. You want him .

It really was like you were back in high school again. You haven’t had feelings for anyone in years. You haven’t had feelings, period. At least not strong ones. And here you are, your heart skipped a beat and you’re blushing because Kurt may have called you cute. 

It’s the weirdest crush you’ve ever had; and not just because it’s Kurt. You want him, but you don’t want a relationship with him. At least you don’t think you do. You know Kurt would only milk you for views if you actually dated. You don’t want to have a friends with benefits thing either. You by no means have had a lot of sex, but you knew Kurt wouldn’t be the best in bed.

You don’t know what you want from Kurt, but you know you want something .

When this inevitably blows up in your face, you hope you finally manage to go to counseling. Nothing is healthy in this situation. And it’ll be even worse when Kurt doesn’t need you for views anymore and stops showing up to your job.

At least you got three cats out of it.

Surprisingly, your boss was okay with you bringing three cats into work with you the next day. You’re one of his favorites for some reason. As a result, you get away with more than others would. He had once told you that you were, “weird, in an endearing way”... Whatever that meant.

The kitties played around the lobby and had a dedicated corner to their necessities. Clients that came in just ignored the balls of fur like this was a normal occurrence. You were kind of disappointed you couldn’t bring the babies to work every day. 

Too bad walking here while the three of them squirmed around in the carrier was pure torture.

You could always ask Kurt for a ride to work as well as-

No, you aren’t doing that.

You’re taking the cats to the vet and then going home. You’d feel guilty about making Kurt take your new cats to the vet without warning, but you know he’ll find a way to get content out of it. So really, he should be thanking you.

Speaking of… It was just about 3:00 PM. Which meant it was time for you to wrangle up the kittens and pile them into the carrier. You did so with mild difficulty and clocked out for the day. One of your snootier coworkers gave you a dirty look on your way out, which you ignored like usual. She’s just jealous that you’re allowed to bring your kitties to work.

Outside, Kurt’s Prius was right where you expected it to be. You ignored the excited flutter in your chest and opened the backseat door. Gently, you placed the cat carrier in the backseat. While you were there, you noticed that all of the “poisoned” water bottles that used to be here are gone.

Huh. Interesting.

“Hey, you brought the kittens back. Are they going to, uh, be a mainstay on the stream here? If so, could you get a carrier that’s more see-through? If they make those of course. Because the viewers would want to see them… probably.” Kurt spewed at you before you could even ask him if this was okay.

You met his eyes in the mirror and stared blankly at him. 

Moving right past that, you said, “We’re taking them to the vet. Gotta make sure they don’t have worms and shit.”

Kurt’s eyes widened in understanding and he nodded.

“Oh, okay… Do you need- have a ride back from the vet?” Kurt asked awkwardly.

Aww, he was definitely hinting that he wanted to go with you. You were planning on bringing him anyway. But it’ll be funnier if you prolonged this.

You shook your head with a slight frown and said, “No, I don’t. I’ll have to like, order a Spree or something.”

While you were having your conversation, you closed the door and opened the other door to get into the front seat. You set your bag onto the floor and looked up to see Kurt staring at you intensely. You had a feeling you knew what he was going to ask.

“If you want, you don’t have to order a Spree. You have a five-star Spree driver right here… if you want,” He offered while pointing at himself with his thumb.

Unable to contain your smirk, you mocked, “Huh, maybe… Maybe you should make a poll to see what the stream says.”

Kurt smiled in return. You thought he got the joke, but then he reached for his phone to do exactly what you said.

You snorted a short laugh and batted his hand away.

“Just take us to the vet, dude,” You said, exasperated, and then gave him the address.

Kurt looked a bit disappointed at you not allowing the audience to participate. He reached for his phone again and plugged in the address. Then he set the phone back onto the stand and shifted the car into drive.

One of the kittens meowed loudly.

“Name one of them Shit Head,” A donation demanded.

You looked at Kurt, unamused. He looked back at you with a grin.

“I told them we’d be picking out names today,” He said proudly.

“Were any of the suggestions actually good so far?” You asked with a raised eyebrow.

Kurt looked back at the road and bit his lip.

Then he said, “Well, I think that, uh, depends on your opinion.”

“So, no?”

“Probably not.”

You leaned back and rested your arm against the window of the car, avoiding the camera. Your head fell onto your hand.

“I know you said you had some ideas, Mr. Mouthfeel. Let’s hear some,” You said playfully.

Oh god. You’re so freaking embarrassing. You’re flirting with him now. You meant for it to be a playful jab, but you definitely just used your flirting voice there. Barely, you’re holding yourself back from cringing or saying anything else to make it worse.

Finally acknowledging that you have a small crush on Kurt was the worst thing you could have done.

His eyes widened slightly again in surprise and he looked briefly your way.

“OMG MR. MOUTHFEEL LOL I FORGOT ABOUT THAT,” A donation rang out a second later.

Kurt ignored the donation and asked, unashamed, “You watched- were watching my videos?”

Of course he’d focus on that and not you making fun of him. He probably refreshes all of his videos constantly to watch the numbers go up. 

He looked so excited at that. It made your heart stutter in your chest again.

“Yeah… saw how you planned to poison me and everything,” You said, trying to not let your voice betray your slightly flustered state.

Kurt’s face instantly dropped like a switch was flipped. He looked almost scared now. Jeez, did he think you actually believed it or something? That’s kind of an insult to your intelligence… although you did manage to catch some feeling for him, so maybe he’s onto something there.

“Uh, I, um… That wasn’t really…” Kurt struggled to say.

“Oh shit lol,” A donation chimed in.

“Is that what The Lesson was? Pranking people by making them think that you poisoned them?” You asked critically.

That was the conclusion you came up with. It fell in line with the content the child he babysat made. Stupid fake pranks. You remembered how hard he was trying to impress Bobby and how hard he was pushing you to drink the water while he watched.

He looked blankly between you and the road and didn’t say anything for a moment. His expression showed that he was still uncomfortable.

You continued, ranting “That shit was a dumb idea. You could have gotten arrested or something. If you told me you poisoned me, I’d instantly call the cops… and then I’d thank you for ending my suffering, but I’d still call the cops. The whole mugging might have saved you from prison, funny enough.”

Kurt nodded along and blew a sharp breath out of his mouth.

“You’re probably right. That was, uh, definitely- probably a dumb plan,” He said with some hesitation.

His thumbs tapped anxiously at the wheel and he stared straight ahead. You expected him to defend his stupid idea, not freak out. 

Was he worried that you were mad at him? God, you really have no idea how the hell he feels about you. Does he give a shit about what you think or not? Does he use you for views or genuinely enjoy spending time with you? You’ve asked yourself these things every time you’ve thought about him. You’re getting pretty tired of it.

“Kurt,” You said, no emotion in your tone.

He looked at you again.

“I’m not upset or anything. I was just saying what I was thinking.”

He nodded and exhaled. His body noticeably relaxed and he sunk a little into the seat. He was actually worried about you being mad at him? You hate the pleasant feeling that thought gives you.

“I was thinking we could name one of the cats Bobby,” Kurt said after a second, choosing to move past the previous conversation.

The cats are becoming an easy distraction from the both of your problems.

“Absolutely not.”

“Uh, why not?”

“Because Bobby is an asshole.”

Kurt sat up again and began his defense of Bobby, ”He’s not an asshole, that’s just how- he’s just that way in front of a camera.”

You refused to argue about the virtue of Bobby Basecamp, the guy that pranks the homeless and posted a video of you and Kurt being mugged onto his Twitter.

“I’m telling Bobby you said that, Pansy,” A donation sounded.

You groaned and said, “I’m not a pansy. And while you’re at it, you can tell Bobby his content is trash too.”

Kurt looked at you in alarm, slight panic in his eyes. More so than earlier.

“Don’t tell him that! Bobby is- he’s a cool guy. I don’t want us to start any beef with Bobby. I appreciate his friendship. Some day- one of these days he might even want to collab with us,” Kurt pleaded, facing the nearest camera.

You stared at Kurt in disbelief.

Bobby is most definitely a walking nightmare to his parents. You would rather die than ride in a car with the brat. He’s obnoxious and you’re not sure why Kurt still cared about him now that he obviously didn’t babysit him anymore. In every video you saw with Bobby and Kurt together, he was berating Kurt to hell. It was way harsher than your frequent mocking jabs.

…It’s because he has a lot of followers, isn’t it? Yeah, that has to be it.

“I don’t want to get canceled,” Kurt said quietly.

You threw your arms up and said in further disbelief, “You’re not going to get canceled because I called his content garbage! You’d get canceled if you were racist, homophobic, or did other fucked up shit. Chill out.”

Kurt seemed to accept this answer wordlessly and turned back towards the road. 

“You’re not racist or homophobic, are you?” You asked to be sure.

That would very quickly get rid of your crush on the man.

Kurt looked into the camera on the dashboard and said, “We’re all the same, I don’t- wouldn’t discriminate against anyone for any reason. Gays, straights, blacks, whites, Asians, Latinos, uh, lesbians. All the same.”

Then he smiled and held up a peace sign. That’s good enough, you guess. Even if it was said in his stupid performance voice… And he seemed to forget lesbians existed until the end.

A couple minutes later, Kurt pulled the Prius into the parking lot for the vet’s office. You unbuckled your seatbelt and opened the car door. Moving around to the side, you pulled the squirmy kittens and their carrier out of the car.

“I guess I’ll, uh, see you… Monday. Unless you work on weekends too,” Kurt said semi-awkwardly.

He still thought you didn’t want him to come with you. Maybe he really did think you were dumb if he thought you were turning down a free ride home.

“You can come with me if you want,” You offered with a shrug like it was no big deal.

Kurt grinned excitedly and grabbed his phone before scrambling to get out of the car. Oh Christ, you forgot there were thousands of metaphorical people with you, watching your every move. This time, you knew it would be impossible to keep Kurt away from his stream. You’d be in there for maybe an hour.

You were both now standing outside next to each other. You held the cat carrier, he pointed his phone at you, smiling giddily behind it. You frowned back at it, but didn’t say anything. He adjusted his stupid hat on his head. You're surprised he didn’t plop another one on your head before you got out.

Sighing, you moved forward towards the front doors of the office, Kurt followed beside you.

You stopped with your free hand on the door handle. You looked up at Kurt.

“I’m begging you, don’t be a freak in there,” You, well, begged.

He tilted his head at you with a blank expression.

“I’m never a freak.”

Right.

A moment passed and then you entered the veterinary office, holding the door open for Kurt to follow you. He thanked you quietly with an appreciative smile. You hate it when he’s suddenly cute to you.

The two of you approached the front desk. You set the carrier full of kittens on the ground. Surprisingly, three kittens are heavy when they’re constantly moving around.

You told the woman at the front desk your name and your appointment time. She nodded and began typing at the computer, eyeing where Kurt was standing next to you wearily.

Looking up at him again you frown, feeling your face heat in embarrassment. You smack him to get his attention. He jumped a little and tilted his head slightly down to give you a look of question.

“Point your phone somewhere else,” You whispered in agitation.

He made a face of recognition and nodded. He stopped pointing his phone at the secretary like a creep and pointed it at you instead. You rolled your eyes, but didn’t complain again.

“Okay, hun, what are their names?” The woman asked.

Your face fell slightly. Oh shit. You both never really came to an agreement on that.

“Uh, Lasagna…” You began before trailing off.

That one was already embarrassing as it is. What are you supposed to say next? Kitten two and kitten three?

She typed it and gave you a look to keep going.

You and Kurt looked at each other. You both communicated your slight panic and his curiosity silently to each other with your expressions.

“Franklin?”

“Dump Truck.”

You both said the dumbest names at the same time.

Lasagna, Franklin, and Dump Truck. Lovely. 

That was certainly a judgmental look the lady threw you and Kurt’s way. Well sorry, lady. Not everyone has perfect names picked out for kittens they might find in a parking lot.

“Okay, you two can take a seat. The doctor will be out when she’s ready for you,” The secretary dismissed.

You thanked her quietly and picked the carrier back up. You and Kurt shuffled to a bench and sat down. Across from the both of you was a college-aged looking woman holding a chihuahua.

You took a hold of Kurt’s arm and manually lowered it away from pointing the phone at the woman. With your hand still grasping his pleasantly warm arm, you smirked up at him in amusement.

“Dump Truck?” You asked somewhat quietly, and giggled.

Kurt smiled back at you and huffed out a laugh.

“We found them at an auto shop. I thought maybe it’s- it fits, you know?” Kurt explained, just as quietly.

“There wasn’t even a dump truck there!” You exclaimed before snorting another laugh, unable to control it.

Kurt laughed with you. The both of you failed to keep completely quiet.

“Uh, better than Franklin. He sounds like he does taxes. Like an old man who’s an accountant,” Kurt said in almost the same tone you used while criticizing his choice.

That was probably the only good roast Kurt managed while you’ve known him. You both laughed again while trying to keep quiet. You didn’t even need to be quiet, dogs were barking loudly down the hall. It just made it funnier that you two were trying to be sneaky.

“Can’t hear you,” A donation sounded loudly, making you both jump.

“Turn that shit off, Kurt!” You whisper-yelled after another giggle fit.

Kurt didn’t bother to turn it off. He just looked at you, daring you to do something about it. He’s asking for it. You’ll wrestle the phone out of his hands if he keeps looking at you like that. Oh, you don’t like that. You could easily convince yourself that there’s some sort of sexual tension here.

“I’m sorry if this is weird, but you two are so cute,” The woman across from you and Kurt suddenly said, making the both of you look at her.

Kurt pointed the phone back at her, trying to catch the new action. Jesus Christ.

You pointed at yourself in question, finally taking your hand off of Kurt’s arm. There wasn’t anyone else in the waiting room. That was a dumb question… despite you not saying anything.

“Yeah… you two are dating, right?” She asked, eyes crinkling while she smiled.

“Uh…” Kurt started awkwardly, unsure how to respond to that.

Don’t be stupid. You know it’ll be funny, but it’ll just make it worse.

“Yes, we are,” You answered with a polite smile.

Or do, who gives a shit?

Kurt’s head snapped back to you so quickly you thought he might have given himself whiplash. You aren’t looking directly at him, but you can feel his big brown eyes boring into you.

A donation came through, “Holy shit Kurt x Pansy confirmed!”

Your smile twitched. Whoops. You always forget about them.

“Sorry, he likes to vlog. You know how it is,” You explained stiffly while trying to hide how embarrassed you were from your sudden mistake.

If she’s native to LA, she’d know how it is. 

She nodded along, giving Kurt a side-eye. You don’t blame her. You don’t really like being filmed constantly either.

“I make a lot of cool content. Lots of variety- different things you might like. You should check me out at Kurtsworld96 on any social media platform. I, uh, follow back,” He spouted “the spiel” at her while moving his hands while he talked.

She nodded politely, but you knew she wasn’t ever going to follow Kurt. 

You buried your face in your hands to hide from the added cringe to the situation.

Kurt then did something you wouldn’t have expected him to do. With his hand not holding the phone, he reached over and took your hand in his and away from your face. Your skin ignited at the touch of his slightly sweaty palm. You swallowed thickly.

He pointed the phone at your joint hands and slotted your fingers together with a big grin on his face. You’re an idiot. You’re an idiot, because you let him do it. He’s excited solely about providing shipping fuel to the viewers and you get to pretend someone is romantically interested in you for a little bit.

Everything about this is sad and pathetic.

His pupils flicked up from the phone screen to your eyes. His goofy, excited grin seemed to be permanently stuck to his face. You wanted to smile back, but you couldn’t. Not even a fake one. You had to stop the oncoming delusion that Kurt liked this for more than one reason.

“Fuck the girl with the ugly dog or you’re gay,” A donation requested, making you hate your life even more.

The woman across from you scooped up her dog and hurried to the other end of the waiting room. Understandably so. You’d apologize, but you have a feeling she doesn’t want to hear anything from either of you.

Kurt exhaled an uncomfortable laugh and said, “Why would I want to do that when I have, uh, someone right here?”

Okay, the joke had never been funny, but it just got even less funny.

You ripped your hand away from Kurt’s and pointed at his phone.

“I don’t care if you want to be annoying and stream, but seriously, turn the donations off,” You said, clearly upset.

Kurt’s smile dropped and he looked at you, concerned.

“Was that too far? I’m honestly- I’m sorry,” He said, looking genuinely apologetic.

“Oh my god, just turn the donations off!” You half-yelled, making the secretary give you another weird look.

He relented and messed with his phone while looking somewhat uncomfortable.

You sighed and leaned back onto the bench. A few minutes passed without either of you saying anything.

The now awkward, tense silence made you feel like you were suffocating. Maybe you really should have let Kurt go earlier and ordered a Spree when you were done.

What if you did that and an even more unhinged driver picked you up? That would be kind of funny in an ironic way. 

Kurt must also not have been enjoying the silence, because he turned slightly towards you and said, “The chat really likes the idea of us being together.”

“What gave you that idea?” You asked sarcastically.

“Well, they’re-”

“I wasn’t seriously asking,” You reiterated before he could repeat any of the shit the viewers were saying.

He closed his mouth, looking mildly annoyed at being shut down. God you better not have activated “pissy Kurt” just then.

You must not have, because he perked right up when the veterinarian came through a door and announced your name. You stood up and took the carrier. Kurt pointed his phone up and followed you. Oh good, he wants to come too.

You exchanged greetings with the vet, giving her your name even though she already knows it.

“Hi, I’m Dr-”

“I’m their boyfriend, Kurt,” Kurt announced clumsily, interrupting the veterinarian.

You wanted to scream, but you hid it with a fake, polite smile. You guess you didn’t make it clear enough to Kurt that this joke was a mistake and you weren’t into it anymore.

The crampy feeling in your stomach from Kurt calling himself that wasn’t helping, either.

“... Nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Williams. I hear you have some kittens here for their first visit?”

She held the door open for you and you and Kurt followed her down the hallway.

“Yeah, we found them yesterday. Someone abandoned them in a parking lot,” You explained, with slight anger in your tone.

Who would abandon three perfect babies like that?

The vet shook her head in disapproval, mirroring your feelings about the matter.

“We were on a date at the time,” Kurt chimed in to say.

You looked over your shoulder at him to give him a look of warning. He met your eyes and smiled cheerfully. He wasn’t doing this maliciously, he was genuinely having fun pretending to be your boyfriend. That almost made it worse.

He glanced at his phone, still smiling. And the viewers were certainly having fun too.

“Oh, where were you going?” The vet asked to be polite, clearly not caring about the fake date you two went on.

Refusing to uselessly answer that question, you asked, “Yeah, Kurt. Where were you taking me?”

“Oh, uh… I was taking, uh, taking you to dinner since you just got off work. Then, let’s see… I was going to take you somewhere nice to watch the sunset. I know a lot of cool- pretty places from driving my Spree. It was going to be really nice,” He explained while looking between you and the floor in thought.

You despised that he actually came up with something that sounded enjoyable. And you despised the fact that you felt your tense expression soften while imagining it even more.

The vet stopped in front of a door and let the two of you and the kittens in first. Conveniently, there were two chairs for the both of you to sit in. You did, and set the carrier of kittens on the examination table beforehand.

“Sounds very sweet,” The vet said before sitting in her own chair.

Kurt gave you a slightly proud look and placed his hand cautiously on your thigh. You gently grabbed his wrist and moved his hand back to his own thigh. His hand is big; bigger than you expected.

At least he had the decency to keep his hands to himself once he got the hint.

The vet typed at her computer for a minute before standing up and approaching the table. She opened the crate and the kittens came spewing out, desperate for space to themselves. They patted around the table curiously. Lasagna sniffed at the vet’s coat.

Kurt kept the phone steadily pointed at the examination table. You’re surprised the vet didn’t make a comment about it. You’re even more surprised Kurt hasn’t plugged his stream yet.

“Okay, which one is which?” She asked while making sure none of them fell off the table.

“Lasagna is the orange one, uh…” You started.

Kurt finished for you, “Dump Truck is the gray one, and Franklin is the black one.”

Sure, that works.

She nodded and picked up Lasagna, taking them to the scale.

“Those are certainly some unique names,” She commented, but not entirely judgmentally. 

You laughed quietly and said, “Yeah… we’re unique people.”

She examined Lasagna and wrote some things down on her clipboard. Then she picked up Franklin and did the same with him. Franklin was more squirmy than Lasagna and tried to leave the scale multiple times.

“Did you know Franklin is a girl?” The vet asked.

That’s unfortunate, but you aren’t one to worry about the genders of anything. You like her middle-aged accountant name.

“I don’t know what any of them are,” You replied.

Kurt looked at you again and said, “Frankie for short.”

You smiled in response and huffed a laugh. 

“Lasagna is a boy, so you’re aware,” She said.

You nodded in response. She moved along to Dump Truck and examined them.

“And uh, …Dump Truck is a girl as well,” She announced.

You snorted a laugh at that. You’re still not sure how you feel about Dump Truck’s name.

“Dumpy for short,” You whispered to Kurt with a smirk.

He snorted a laugh and covered his mouth with his hand.

Through the rest of the appointment you watched each baby get their vaccines. Dump Truck and Franklin absolutely hated it. Franklin screamed while Dump Truck hissed and tried to bite the vet. Luckily, she’s so small that it was easy to keep her still. Lasagna didn’t seem to care. He jumped at the injection and meowed, but that was it.

With the first injection, you winced at the sound of your baby’s pain. Kurt offered to let you hold his hand again, which you told him to go fuck himself. Kurt then reiterated that he only wanted to show you affection. You responded by telling him you didn’t want affection in a vet’s office because you aren’t weird. He then defended himself by saying that he wasn’t ashamed of your affection and you shouldn’t be ashamed of his.

It was a very good distraction from your screaming kittens.

The vet seemed to think your dynamic was amusing and held back laughter while listening to you two bicker.

Once the appointment was complete, you were informed that your darling children are all in perfect health. Then they were all placed back into the carrier, some more traumatized than others. Kurt continued to film the entire thing, moving the phone everywhere like he was producing a movie.

While walking back to the front desk, the vet told you and Kurt, “You two remind me of me and my husband.”

You didn’t know how to feel about that. It also made you wonder about how healthy this woman’s marriage is.

Kurt smiled and said, “Thanks. I definitely want to, uh, spend the rest of my life with them. So, marriage would be the most logical next step in our relationship.”

You crickled your eyes in bewilderment and met Kurt’s eyes. He shrugged in response to your look.

Anything you say might encourage that nonsense, so you didn’t say anything. You shook your head to clear any stupid thoughts that were forming.

If he fakes a proposal here, you will block him on everything and never talk to him again.

“Right, well I hope you two have a good rest of your day. Check out is right over there,” She said dismissively while pointing back at the front desk.

You gave the carrier to Kurt while you checked out. Trying to keep Kurt from accidentally filming your credit card was the most effort you put into anything today. He got the hint after a few seconds and pointed the phone into the cat carrier instead.

You were handed your card and the receipt, which you shoved into your back pocket mindlessly. The secretary told you to have a good day and you responded in kind.

Moving to leave you were stopped by Kurt gently calling your name. You stopped and looked at him with a raised eyebrow in question.

“Just wanted to remind you that I love you.”

For a moment, everything shut off. No thoughts passed by your mind. You don’t think you felt any sensations at that moment.

He said it with the camera not even pointed at you. He smiled so sweetly and his voice held a hint of real affection in it. It was also said like it wasn’t a big deal, like the words didn’t hold the same meaning for him like they did for you.

No one has told you that they loved you since your great aunt died two years ago.

Instantly, you regained your senses once again. The first thought to emerge from the fog was how fucked up it was that you didn’t realize how much you needed to hear that. The next thought was how fucked up it was that Kurt said that to you for a joke and some clout.

“You- You can’t say that unless you mean it. I’m being really fucking serious right now, Kurt,” You said, voice craking at the start.

The corners of your eyes tingled. If you thought about it too much, you might cry. That wouldn’t help at all. Kurt would probably immediately start filming it.

From the corner of your eyes, you could see the secretary looking at you with concern. You had to fight to tell her to mind her own business.

Kurt’s face fell, confusion appeared briefly on his features. He didn’t know why this was a big deal to you. He didn’t understand and you had no intention of explaining it to him. Especially with his shitty audience watching. They were probably eating this shit up right now.

“Um, I- Okay, I’m sorry if I did something,” He said, still obviously not knowing why you had a bigger problem with this than his hand on your thigh.

Shaking your head, you opened the front door and passed through it. Kurt followed you, visibly uncomfortable with the tense atmosphere.

“It’s whatever. Don’t worry about it,” You said, willing him with your mind to forget the whole thing.

You approached his car and waited for him to unlock the door. He stood on the other side of the car, carrier in hand and phone resting on top of it, probably capturing a horrible angle of his face on the stream.

He looked anxiously at you. You watched him, squinting with the sun in your eyes. At least he had his stupid hat to shield his eyes from the sun.

He opened his mouth and closed it again. Then he opened it again, words coming out this time.

“I just don’t want this to be a WTF moment with you,” He said, almost sad.

“You calling it that made it a WTF moment. Holy shit, Kurt,” You said in exasperation. 

His mouth made a thin line.

“I, uh, really had fun being a pretend couple with you,” He said with the expectation of that making you feel better.

It did not.

Throwing your hands up dramatically, you politely requested, “Just unlock the fucking car! I want to take our cats home and forget this entire thing happened.”

Kurt’s eyes widened in mild surprise and he asked quietly, “Our cats?”

You didn’t mean to call them that. You didn’t intend to share cat custody with Kurt.

“Please,” You beg tiredly.

He gave in and unlocked the car. You sat in the front and buried your head in your hands. Kurt sat the kitten carrier in the backseat. He then came back and sat in the driver’s seat. Putting the keys in the ignition, he turned the Prius on to get the AC started.

He didn’t begin driving, instead he messed with his phone before hooking it back onto the stand. Kurt looked at you with an unreadable expression.

A donation, which you assumed was what Kurt just turned back on, echoed a thought you have a lot, “You two are fucked lmao.”

Chapter Text

When you got out of Kurt’s Prius on Friday, you were in a terrible mood. It was really your own fault. You were the one who made the joke about you and Kurt dating. You shouldn’t be upset that the man immediately rolled with it. You knew he looked for excuses to get people talking about him.

You both craved attention; just in different ways. Kurt wanted a mass of adoring fans… not even adoring fans now that you think about it. Just fans. You wanted a genuine connection with someone, anyone. 

As per usual, you deluded yourself into thinking Kurt could provide you with what you craved. This time, it took a little longer to stop being upset about the reality. You couldn’t help it. He told you that he loved you. As a joke.

Just when you thought you were done being a miserable human being, you continued doing just that. The reason? Your mother called you on Saturday.

You rarely ever talked to your family. And you made sure to never see them in-person. That’s the entire reason you moved from one coast to the other. They did nothing but make everything in your life more difficult. They held no real love for you, and you certainly held no love for them. You wish you were just being edgy and melodramatic, but they really were a toxic group of people.

If only everyone saw them that way, and didn’t look at you like you were crazy. They hid their toxicity behind closed doors. And they hid it well.

They attempted to reach out to you maybe once or twice a year on average. And of course, your mother chose the worst time to do so. She has a talent for that.

And like the pathetic and desperate person you are, you answered her call. You wouldn’t ever voice it aloud, but you always secretly fantasized about her apologizing for her actions and begging for you to come home. You don’t think you’ve ever heard the words, “I’m sorry” leave her mouth.

This time was no different. Without even a “hello”, she began demanding things of you.

“You need to take those horrible videos down of you and that man ,” She said firmly as soon as you finished your confused greeting.

…Even your family knows about you and Kurt’s stupid streams? That’s… You’re not sure how to feel about that. Right now, you feel a mixture of horrified anxiety, but also a weird sick satisfaction.

It’s funny. You were still a little pissed off with Kurt right before she called. But hearing your mom refer to him in that tone made you want to defend him until your death.

“What videos?” You asked, playing dumb with your voice wavering slightly.

She definitely heard that. Fuck. You inwardly cringed. You hated showing weakness to any of them. 

“The ones with you in the car. You assaulted someone on video. And then you acted like an idiot and made small talk with… Who even is that man you ride around with? Take them down. It’s embarrassing,” She almost hissed. 

Good. You hope all of her stupid, prissy friends saw them and berated her for it. Maybe they even called her a bad mother for raising you to be this way… Probably not, but a former child with a grudge can only hope.

Taking a second to breathe and keep calm, you responded with, “Well, they’re not my videos, so I can’t. They’re Kurt’s videos.”

She isn’t even going to ask you how you’ve been or what you’ve been doing. After not talking to you since the holidays. She wasn’t even one of your family members that tried to reach out to you after you were mugged.

“ Well , then ask Kurt to take them down. And after that, you shouldn’t be spending any more time with him.”

You scoffed and were about to retaliate, but the woman kept going before you could get a word in.

“I’m not saying that to be mean or controlling like you claim I am- Yeah, I know how you talk about me. I’m saying that because there’s obviously something wrong with him. He behaves like he’s on drugs. You’re going to get yourself killed, spending time with someone like that .”

She spat her words at you as if that would convince you. You know Kurt’s weird and not someone your family would approve of you spending time with, but he’s not on drugs. 

He vapes. There’s a difference.

Your mother loved to make it sound like she’s worried about you to get her way. The only thing she’s worried about is boasting about your accomplishments like their her own. It must be hard to do that when anyone who searches your name online can see you bash a man’s skull open with a battery-powered drill.

You wonder if she saw the fanart of you blowing Kurt, or something equally rancid. That would be funny to see. 

If you argued back with her like she wanted you to, you’d be here for hours. She looked for reasons to fight with you and painted herself as a victim when you’re done. When you lived closer to your family, she would berate how you looked, how you acted, and all the things you cared about. You weren’t perfect. And she wanted to tear you down until you were, by any means necessary.

She can tell that you care about Kurt. Whether it’s from the streams or the short sentences you’ve given her, she knows your tells. And she’s trying to use that to her advantage to rile you up. Just like she would in the past.

“No,” Is all you said in response to her demands.

“...No, what? What do you mean?” She asked, annoyed at your short answer.

It made you smile despite the fear still present in your chest. You know if you were face-to-face with her, you’d be cowering.

“I’m not doing any of that.”

She said your name in a warning. As if she had any power over you anymore, other than giving you a panic attack and making you relive past trauma.

Feeling your heart leap into your throat made you disappointed in yourself.

“I’m gonna go. But, if you want to see me, you can check out Kurt’s content. It’s at Kurtsworld96 on like any social media platform. He goes live on LiveFly with me at three in the afternoon, but I don’t know- I’m not going to calculate that to your time. Oh, and just so you’re aware, he follows back if you want to follow him,” You gave your rendition of Kurt’s plug spiel rapidly.

Your mother tried to cut you off a few different times in the middle of it, but you kept talking without interruption. When you were done, you ended the call without saying goodbye.

When the silence engulfed you, you didn’t move for a moment. You could only stare at your phone, not really believing that just happened.

Then you laughed. You laughed so hard that you couldn’t breathe. Tears escaped your eyes freely during your laughing fit. The laughing gradually dissolved into sobs when you realized just how much your chest hurt.

Thank god you lived alone. Anyone who looked at you now would think that you were crazy.

You cried for a while. It was the first time you’ve cried since your cat died. It was the bury-your-face-into-the-pillow ugly sobbing kind of crying. You curled tightly under your covers and shut all of the lights off. 

Your brain helpfully reminded you during your breakdown that nobody loved you and you’re only good for boosting other people’s accomplishments. It continued to spew insults at you that you’ve heard thousands of times before. All of that usual good stuff that comes with your current mental state.

At one point, Dump Truck began screaming at you until you picked her up. She then laid on top of you over the blanket and stared at you, unmoving. You were so weirded out by her staring that you calmed down enough to stop crying. The unwanted intrusive thoughts stopped too.

She cuddled with you until you fell asleep. It reminded you of how much you missed having a cat here. You were pretty sure you slept for around twelve hours.  You slept for so long that you were disoriented when you woke up to birds chirping outside your window. 

You were confused about what day it was for a good ten minutes or so.

It was Sunday. For half of the day, you sat around and did nothing while still in yesterday’s clothes. You finally got around to showering when you ran a hand through your hair and felt how greasy it was. Your thoughts embarrassingly went to Kurt.

You really had feelings for a man with perpetually greasy hair. Maybe you were crazy.

While you were lounging on your couch and eating a heated-up frozen pizza, your phone began to ring. You picked it up to look at the screen and you felt like you might throw up the slice you just ate.

Your father was calling. You knew what that meant. You’ve insulted your mother, and she decided to cry to your father about it. They weren’t even together anymore and she still convinced him that she was the victim in this situation.

There’s a reason why you decided to move in with your great aunt on the other side of the country. She didn’t like any of them either.

This time, you were smarter, more level-headed. You didn’t pick up your father’s phone call. The dread that built up in your chest certainly helped you make that decision too. After an absurd number of rings, the phone stopped. A notification popped up saying that you had a voicemail.

You aren’t going to listen to that. You already know what it says. He was probably yelling at you for making your mother cry, demanding you pick up the phone and apologize, or insulting your decisions in some way.

Unlocking your phone to delete it, another call interrupted you. It was your father again. You denied the call. Another voicemail appeared. You deleted both of them.

He tried again. You wish he would have gotten the hint already. After the fourth time, he seemed to. He left you alone with your thoughts. Your thoughts, which threatened to spiral again.

Two hours later, he tried again. You almost wanted to bash your head into the wall when you realized he wasn’t done. You turned on airplane mode on your phone and then placed it to the side.

When you got ready for bed, you checked your notifications. You had thirteen voicemails. You deleted all of them without looking.

You didn’t manage to fall asleep until close to four in the morning. You woke up an hour later to get ready and walk to work. 

You knew you looked rough by the look your coworker gave you when you walked in. Her expression was like you just told her you were diagnosed with cancer. You waved half-heartedly at her anyway.

That day, your boss decided to surprise you by telling you that you had to shred all of the files containing insurance policies that were older than eighteen months. It was horrendous. By the time you were due to clock out, you emptied the shredder twenty-two times. Your neck was sore and you had a couple paper cuts on your fingers.

You left the building feeling exhausted, stressed, and depressed all at the same time. It didn’t help that you forgot to take a lunch break today.

At least you didn’t have to walk home.

While rubbing your tired eyes, you opened the passenger side door to Kurt’s Prius. You threw your backpack lazily on the floor and climbed in. When you closed the door, you looked over to Kurt to see him staring at you with a big grin on his face.

Without a word to you, he turned to the camera on the dashboard with the same expression.

“Happy Monday to all you- to the Kurties just now tuning in! It’s Kurt from Kurt’s World, and I’m here with Pansy, our favorite Spree passenger! I’m sure you all have missed them since Friday. I know, uh, I sure have,” Kurt said in his usual obnoxious performance voice before flashing a peace sign.

You were actually too tired to complain about being called a pansy again. 

Kurt was quiet for a moment. He looked at you like he expected you to say something. When you didn’t, he continued even more awkwardly.

“Um, like I always say, guys, please follow my accounts. They’re all Kurtsworld96. I stream my, uh, my Spree rides all day every weekday-”

“Pansy looks sad. Give them a kiss,” A donation said, cutting Kurt off.

Kurt stopped speaking at that and, once again, looked at you. His eyes widened and he looked a little concerned.

“...Are you sad?” He asked like he genuinely couldn’t tell.

The very last thing you want to do is vent your frustrations on stream. You also didn’t need Kurt pretending to care about you right now. It almost felt worse than if he openly showed his apathy for you.

You lightly shook your head and replied with, “No, just tired.”

He nodded silently for a second in thought. Then he faced the camera again while he began the route back to your house.

“They’re just tired. Not sad. I mean, if they were sad, I’m sure they’d say something,” Kurt said, trying to reassure his audience.

“Yeah, Kurt, I’m pretty sure they heard me say that I’m tired,” You said, your voice taking on a slightly annoyed tone.

“...Are you still mad at me?” Kurt said after a moment, now sounding sad himself.

He looked slightly sad too. The concerned expression was still there, but there was some anxiety present too. Like he was genuinely worried that you were upset with him. 

You gave him a confused look and asked, “What? Why would I be mad at you?”

Pretending to not know about what anyone was talking about was one of your specialties.

On Friday, you never did explain to Kurt why you were upset. You didn’t have a chance to. Not like you wanted to anyway. What would you even say?

“I’m so lonely that you saying that you loved me triggered something in me?”

“You pretending that you care about me is slowly killing me?”

“I have a crush on you, and pretending that we were in a relationship reminded me of what I can’t have?”

No, none of those would work. The thousands of people watching you would have a field day if you admitted any of that. And who knows how the fuck Kurt would react?

His mouth made a thin line as you two looked at each other in tense silence. You’re giving him the opportunity to drop it and pretend like it never happened. Why doesn’t he want to take it? He’s either dumb, or he’s trying to get more content out of you like usual.

“You didn’t talk to me the entire ride home on Friday. And now you’ve created this, uh, uncomfortable space in my Spree. That's enough evidence to tell me that you’re mad at me… to be pretty honest,” Kurt explained matter-of-factly.

A sigh escaped your lips unintentionally. You didn’t say anything for a moment. Your eyes stared straight out the windshield.

“Make-up sex when?” A donation said, cutting through the silence unhelpfully.

Ignoring that, you did what you do when playing dumb doesn’t work.

“Did your mom come home over the weekend?” You asked with genuine interest.

How immoral is it to use a man’s missing mother to avoid your own problems? Probably very. 

Kurt’s eyes widened in surprise at the question, obviously not expecting it. 

“Um… No, she hasn’t,” Kurt said like he had to think about the answer.

Like before, he didn’t seem to be concerned by this. He looked slightly anxious, but he looked like that when he thought you were mad at him too.

Your face softened in sympathy, “I’m sorry, Kurt.”

He shrugged, looking out his window.

“It’s okay,” He said, and you believed him.

The both of you then began speaking at the same time.

“Is your mom kind of-”

“If you tell me what I did-”

“What?”

“What?”

You both stopped talking. He gestured for you to say what you wanted to say. You don’t know if you wanted to say your thing anymore. Now that you’re thinking about it, that’s a horribly uncomfortable topic. A topic that isn’t meant to be spoken in front of a camera. Or nine of them for that matter.

“Never mind,” You muttered.

“No, go ahead. I want you to, uh, to talk to me. Please?” Kurt pleaded in a sort of way that reminded you that you had a slight crush on him.

He looked at you with those big brown eyes that made you want to… You don’t really know what they make you want to do. But you want to do something.

You paused. Goddamn him and his unintentionally charming moments.

Then, you hesitantly spoke, “You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to. Like seriously, I won’t get mad. But, Is your mom like, an asshole or something?”

Kurt’s mouth fell open and you immediately regretted asking that. You don’t know what compelled you to. He was just so nonchalant about his mom’s disappearance. It was odd to you.

And maybe you wanted to know if you could relate to the loser streamer even more. 

“Sorry, that was a shitty thing to ask,” You apologized, cringing at yourself.

Kurt closed his mouth again, seemingly recovered from the shock of hearing your question. He looked at you briefly before speaking.

“I don’t think that was a shitty question or anything. I can really appreciate, uh, your effort to trying to get to know me. QnAs are really popping right now,” Kurt gave the worst reassurance you’ve ever heard.

Your head falls back against the headrest and you resist the urge to groan. This man would give out his social security number if he knew it would get him more views.

When Kurt realized you weren’t going to respond to that, he answered your original question.

“My mom… I don’t think she was an- an asshole. She was hardworking for sure. Always busy with her spiritual healing business, and her, uh, self-help groups. My mom loved helping people. Once, she gave up my bedroom for my grandpa while he, uh, passed away.”

He rambled and you knew you were making some faces you didn’t mean to while he was talking.

“Whoa…” You said dumbly, not knowing how else to respond to that.

Kurt took that as a good reaction and huffed a small laugh with a smile.

“Yeah, she did a lot for every- for people. She did so much all the time that sometimes she’d even forget to pick me up from school.”

Your face fell slightly. You could pick up a slight tone of resentment there.

“There was this one time that I was in the hospital for four months, and she would take time out of her busy schedule to visit me once every two weeks.”

Yeah, that was definitely resentment. In Kurt’s ranting, he stuttered considerably less. Or maybe he just forgot that he had a camera on him. He was still smiling, but you could see the anger hiding behind his eyes.

…His mom hardly ever visited him while he was in the hospital? What was he in the hospital for? Maybe it wasn’t that weird that she just up and disappeared.

“Jesus, Kurt, that’s-”

“She always found the time to go out and try to fuck celebrities, though. Mom was a major starfucker. Pretty sure she was when her and dad were still together too,” Kurt continued, a little louder, hands gripping the wheel tighter.

Holy fucking shit.

“Kurt!” You shouted before he could spill any other personal problems for the world to hear.

His mouth snapped shut and he looked over at you with wide eyes.

“...Yeah?” He asked, significantly more calm.

“I think your mom’s kind of an asshole, dude,” You said somewhat quietly to calm Kurt down.

Kurt didn’t know what to say for a moment. He looked at you like you just spoke a different language or something. He looked back at the road and then briefly into the camera. His body relaxed when he seemingly remembered that the cameras were still there. 

“Uh… Maybe. Depends on your opinion, I guess. To me, she just had, uh, a lot going on,” Kurt said back in his usual awkward tone, restrained anger no longer present.

“Kurt has mommy issues confirmed,” A donation cut in.

You wished that Kurt permanently turned the donations off on Friday.

Don’t say it, idiot.

Don’t.

“My mom is an asshole too,” You said quickly.

You have no self-control. But that was evident in the fact that you keep getting back into Kurt’s car.

The temptation to insult your mother was too great. Especially after you found out that she might be watching these dumb streams. If she is, your father will probably try to call you again the moment you get home.

Kurt perked up at this and he grinned your way.

You gave him a look of disbelief.

“Why do you look so excited about that?” You asked in confusion.

His grin faltered for just a moment before he replied like the answer was obvious.

“We’re being relatable. You’re relating to me and, uh, I can relate to you. It’s both wholesome- feel-good content and relatable content.”

You looked at Kurt like he was both crazy and an idiot. Rightfully so.

“Did you just call me calling my mother an asshole, “ wholesome” ? Also, I don’t think you and I relating to each other is the same thing as “relatable content”. What the fuck is wrong with you, Kurt?” You half-shouted in agitation. 

Kurt’s expression now completely dropped and he waved a hand anxiously at the camera.

“I didn’t mean- Your mother being a bad mother isn’t what was wholesome. I meant us, you know, relating to each other was- that was wholesome,” Kurt defended himself quickly.

“No part of us being neglected by our mothers is wholesome,” You snapped back.

Kurt bit his lip for a second before asking, “Are you mad at me again?”

You don’t know how you felt about Kurt not arguing about his mother neglecting him. It was obvious that she had been neglectful to Kurt from what he said. But him openly accepting that fact made you feel weird. Maybe trying to relate to Kurt was a mistake.

You took a deep breath to keep yourself from exploding.

“What is your issue with worrying about me being mad at you?” You asked.

Kurt looked at the camera next to him briefly before turning his attention back to you.

“On Friday, the viewers were worried about you being upset. It’s, uh, all they talked about the rest of the day. I want to make sure that you’re okay for them,” Kurt said unashamedly.

You could only blankly stare back at him.

The viewers were worried about you.

Not him.

He was probably annoyed that the chat asked about you so often and didn’t give him enough attention. It’s just another clue that he really only cares about you when it comes to retaining views. Did you get the fucking hint yet?

Why do you feel like you might cry again?

You just want to go back to bed right now. Curl up with your babies and cry yourself to sleep again, instead of doing the only thing you’re good for. Which is apparently humoring the people who only keep you around for entertainment. 

What is it about you that makes people genuinely not care about you? Is it your dry sense of humor? Is it your looks? Is it the fact that everyone can see how pathetic you are?

Kurt called your name in slight concern. You looked up from the floor, not realizing your eyes drifted there. Your gaze met his. He looked between you and the road, only the slightest hint of nervousness in him.

“Kurt is a fucking dumbass,” A donation rang through the silence.

Kurt didn’t even react to the insult.

“ Are you okay?” He asked.

You didn’t want to speak to him. You didn’t want anything to do with Kurt right now.

Despite that, you said in a hushed tone, “Just take me to my fucking house.”

You were nearly there anyway. There wasn’t a reason you should keep humoring Kurt. If any of your family is watching, they’re probably laughing at you right now.

He blinked back at you, clearly confused.

“You- You’re not okay. What happened?” He asked, like he gave a shit.

Staying quiet, you cross your arms and look out the window. You know you probably look like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Saying something will only make it worse.

“Hey, would you- can you talk to me, please?” Kurt asked, sounding a little more desperate.

“Apologize to Pansy,” A donation requested.

“For what? What did I do?” Kurt said in frustration rather loudly.

No one said anything for about a minute. Kurt’s Prius approached the street your inherited house was on.

You could only watch as he drove right past it. Your jaw clenched in annoyance and you whipped your head around to give him a dirty look.

“Take me home right now, Kurt,” You warned.

Kurt looked at you, face hardened. He was challenging you.

“Not until you talk to me,” He said simply.

Something inside you snapped at Kurt trying to force you to do what he wants. When he can’t even bother to care about you being upset. It’s all for the viewers.

“And say what? “Everything’s fine, don’t worry about it?” Oh wait, I’m sorry. Let me try that again,” You mocked.

You looked directly into the camera on the dashboard and repeated, “Everything is fine, guys! Don’t worry about me. Please give Kurt attention now!”

Kurt frowned deeper and said, “Come on, stop making everything tense and aggressive. This Spree is a place of love and chill vibes, and I’m trying to keep it that way.”

“What are you, a fucking hippy? I’ll get rid of my “vibes” when I get out of this fucking car!” You shouted towards the end.

“I just need- want to know what is making you so… I don’t know what you’re feeling. You aren’t talking to me,” Kurt replied calmer than you, but still noticeably frustrated.

Kurt turned down a side street. The man is really just doing laps around your house. You’re hoping your neighbors don’t call the cops.

Wordlessly, you swiftly snatched Kurt’s phone from the stand. He made a noise of protest, but made no move to get the phone from you. You needed to know how many people are watching this train wreck.

11,702 viewers.

Last time you looked at the stream it was close to 2,000 viewers. More and more people are tuning in each time you get into this car. This is so embarrassing.

The chat made you want to either burst into tears or scream multiple obscenities. 

zombieboy1: no communication smh

savethebeesplz: this is so frustrating they r so close to confessing to each other 💔

mr_mouthfeel_fan: feelings? gay

666alexandria: STOP FIGHTING YALL LIKE MY PARENTS FR

pansysbigtoe: Kurt you dumb fuck Pansy will be fine if you just told them you love them

luv8008s: pansy is annoying af lately

monkeybrain02: oh to have a 3some with kurt and pansy ❤️

You tossed Kurt’s phone haphazardly towards him. He scrambled to catch it and missed, the phone clacking to the floor of the car. He swore under his breath.

“What is your-”

“Kurt you have enough stupid viewers,” You say, voice wavering.

His eyes widened in surprise.

“What do you mean? How many do I have?” He said, once again proving his addiction to numbers.

“I meant that you have enough viewers as in, you don’t need me anymore. Over ten thousand people are watching this dumpster fire. And half of them will probably stick around if I’m not here,” You said, trying to keep your voice steady while you refused to look at Kurt.

You don’t know the expression Kurt had right now. Judging by that sudden silence, he was either shocked or thinking about it logically. 

“You… You want to stop being on the stream?” He asked quietly, reminding you of a child who just found out his parents were getting divorced.

Right on time, Kurt pulled in front of your house, stopping this time. Maybe he didn’t mean to and just did it on instinct. It doesn’t matter. You had your opportunity and you took it. You opened the door and grabbed your backpack.

“Yeah. I’ve had enough. Good luck. Don’t- don’t bother showing up to my job tomorrow,” You said, still not looking at him.

Your voice cracked in the middle. Damn it. You can’t show him how much you actually cared about him. Fucking Kurt Kunkle. You’re a fucking basket case for letting it get this far. There isn’t even anything likable about him.

You know that isn’t true, but you don’t want to think about the reasons why you liked him right now.

“Wait! Hey!” Kurt called while you got out of the car.

You closed the door behind you, not wanting to hear him out. You can’t face him or be around him any longer. He can’t see the tears that are already leaving your eyes.

To your horror, you heard him open the car door behind you. He shouted your name.

You turned your head. Then you bitterly laughed. Your last shred of hope for him caring about you went down the drain. He was holding his phone in his hand, standing by his car and filming you. He’d rather film you cry than do anything to comfort you.

When he met your eyes, his jaw dropped and he lowered the phone unconsciously.

“Oh my god, what- hey, uh, are… um,” He was speechless at seeing you cry.

“If you don’t get back in your car by the time I get inside, I’m calling the cops. That’s saying something, because I fucking hate the cops,” You said, unable to resist making light of your stupid mental breakdown.

You used to do that a lot. Downplay your emotions. You’re pretty sure it was a form of protection or some psychological bullshit like that.

Kurt, baffled by this entire thing, gawked at you.

“I… uh,” He couldn’t say anything.

You took that as your cue to leave this stupid situation. You unlocked your door while he uncomfortably watched you by his car. Entering your house, you closed the door behind you.

You then collapsed against the door and let out a shaky sob. Your hands covered your eyes as you slid down the door until you were sitting against it on the floor. You hate that, who you think was Dump Truck, rubbed her head against your leg. You hated it because she made you feel a little better when you really wanted to be as sad as you could.

The next day, you went to work despite that being the last thing you wanted to do. While you continued your project of shredding thousands of pages of paper, all you could think about was DJ Kurt Kunkle.

You knew it wasn’t healthy, but you were afraid of the thought that you would never see him again. A couple times, you pulled out your phone and stared anxiously at his contact on your phone. The one he made for himself the day he was in your kitchen.

Kurt ✌️🌎

It’s not like you were going to text him. You didn’t know what you were doing; looking at his contact info. You half-expected him to message you either through text or Instagram. He didn’t.

On your lunch break, you acted dumb, as usual. You pulled up his stream. Not surprisingly, he was streaming. You were already aware that he streamed his stupid Spree rides twelve hour a day or longer.

He had considerably fewer viewers than when you looked yesterday. 

643 in total. 

Was yesterday just a weird day where he had a ton more viewers than usual? Or did thousands of people really just want to watch the twenty or so minutes of you sitting in his car.

He was driving with some random man in his car. The man looked uncomfortable with the whole thing. There were awkward attempts at small talk. Kurt plugged his socials like he does. Then he looked into the camera, making eye contact with you, and flashed a peace sign. 

Your heart annoyingly skipped a beat at the brief eye contact. At that, you stopped watching the stream.

The rest of the day consisted of you brooding and imagining scenarios where you won arguments against Kurt. Then you pissed yourself off even more when you realized you didn’t have a free ride home today. 

3:00 PM rolled around. You clocked out numbly and opened the Spree app. Pausing, you stared at it for a few seconds. Then you closed out of it and opened the GoGo app. You didn’t want any chance of Kurt picking you up.

You ordered a ride and made your way up to your desk in the lobby, grabbing your bag as you went. Pulling your chair back to sit and wait for your ride, you froze and your heart sunk.

Looking up and through the huge widows, you saw Kurt’s car parked in front of the entrance. He looked over from his phone on the dash and directly at you. You could make out him smiling. He lifted a hand to wave at you.

Fuck no. You aren’t dealing with this. 

A notification popped up on your phone, informing you that a man with a beard named “Charlie” accepted your ride request. And that he would be here in seven minutes.

You put your phone into your backpack and then put your backpack on. Your hands are shaking slightly. Kurt is desperate for views. You somehow get him those views. He isn’t going to let you go that easily.

Taking a deep breath, your feet moved you forward. Then you exited the building and stopped on the sidewalk. You were about ten feet from Kurt’s car. You stared at Kurt through the car window in disdain.

He fully rolled the window down. The camera attached to it fell onto the floor somewhere. His smile dropped when he realized you weren’t getting into the car.

“Hey… uh, are you still upset?” He asked, slightly concerned.

Unreal. What part of “don’t bother showing up to my job” didn’t he understand?

“Kurt, I told you I wasn’t doing this with you anymore,” You said firmly and to-the-point.

He had the audacity to look shocked at this, his big eyes even bigger. Like he didn’t think that you were serious when you said that. He looked briefly at the camera before looking back at you.

“Can you just tell me what I did to make you mad at me? I’m sorry. I’ll- I’ll take responsibility and not- try not to do it again. I just need you to tell me… I don’t know what I did, to be honest,” Kurt pleaded. 

The “take responsibility” part was probably inspired by a shitty YouTuber apology. However, his desperation struck a chord with you. You blame your horrendous little crush on him. So, you decided that he probably deserved to at least know why you’re not joining him on his streams anymore.

But to do that, you’d have to be vulnerable while thousands of people are listening to you. That thought is scary and your mind is screaming at you to go back inside. Your palms are sweaty, and you know it’s not from the hot California weather.

You pushed through the nervous thoughts. The viewers most definitely knew that Kurt made you cry yesterday. They’ve already seen you act vulnerable. This is what will get Kurt to leave you alone. You have to do it.

“You just…” You had to stop to take a breath before trying again, “You just don’t give a shit about me. At all. You only care about getting famous and using me for content.”

Kurt looked taken aback by the accusation for a second. His face then morphed into confusion. He turned his body more to further face you

“I don’t… I care about you,” He said somewhat softly.

You huffed a laugh in disbelief and threw your hands up before letting them drop dramatically.

“No, you don't! You only want to keep your viewers happy and make people think we’re going to date each other!” You shouted.

“That’s not all! I want you to be happy too!” He shouted back, defending himself.

You desperately want to believe him, you do. But, you just can’t. Your mind repeated to you over and over again that he doesn’t care. There’s so much evidence that he only uses you for views.  You were aware he was going to do that the whole time, and you went with it anyway.

He didn’t even deny that he wanted people to think you two were getting together.

“Do you really think telling me that you didn’t want me to be sad because it makes your viewers sad, is showing that you care? Or how about when I tried to open up to you about my mom, and you were just excited about getting more content out of me?” You began ranting, your heart raced from both anxiety and outrage.

“Those aren’t the only reasons-” He tried, but you cut him off.

“Want me to keep going? Okay, what about the time you almost killed me so you could make a poll for your stream chat? And the time I had to beg you not to film inside of my house for five minutes while you helped me?” You were about to keep going, but the sound of the door opening behind you made you stop.

You looked behind yourself with wide eyes as you saw a couple of your coworkers freeze at the scene playing out in front of them. They looked very concerned at whatever was happening. One of them looked between you and Kurt nervously.

“Can you, uh, get in the car? I promise I care about you,” Kurt pleaded remorsefully.

Your face was heating up in embarrassment, you could feel it.

Wordlessly, the two of your coworkers shuffled past you to get to the parking lot.

This is becoming a public spectacle. An even more public spectacle. And you really didn’t want your coworkers to gossip about you fighting with Kurt in front of work. Especially when most of them have seen the video of you and Kurt getting mugged together.

If this shit doesn’t stop, you’re going to have a panic attack. You’ve already had to shamefully fight back tears a couple of times while this played out.

You just want the both of you to go away. Is that too much to ask for? The more Kurt bothers you, the more likely you are to give into him.

“Fine, prove that you care, and I’ll get in the car,” You said, calming yourself down.

Honestly, you still didn’t think that he truly cared. He only told you that he did while looking at you with this sad look on his face. That doesn’t prove anything. That doesn’t overwrite the dozen other times he showed that he didn’t care.

He looked around for a second before meeting your eyes again.

“Um, how can I do that?” He asked, genuinely not knowing.

“Turn your stream off.”

His mouth fell open, not expecting that.

“What, like, right now?” He said, dumbfounded.

“Yeah, right now. And keep it off for the entire ride home. We can talk and try to fix things; if you actually give a shit,” You said, challenging him.

As previously stated, you wanted nothing more than to go home right now. Your offer was a bluff, one you had a feeling he wouldn’t call.

He hesitated, and that was enough to give you your answer, but you needed him to give you a verbal denial. You knew it. Your eyes began to tingle a little more.

“I do… give a shit, that is. But… can we do that another day? Everyone is here-” He stopped to look at his phone.

“Almost ten thousand people are here to see us. The two of us, uh, create viral moments together. I promise that I care- Where are you-?” He sputtered and stopped talking when you turned away.

You quickly walked over to the Buick that just pulled up behind Kurt’s Prius. Your GoGo ride was here. Just in time too.

You wiped pitifully at your eyes and got into the backseat.

“Hey, are you- Oh shit, are you okay?” The man in the driver’s seat, Charlie, asked, slightly worried.

You looked up and met his eyes in the mirror. It was similar to you and Kurt’s first meeting. However, this time, there were no cameras anywhere. And you’re crying a little bit

“Yeah, just… I don’t want to talk about it,” You said after sniffling, trying to hold off on your emotions until you got home.

He nodded in understanding and lowered his eyes back to directly in front of him. The both of you then jumped in your seats when Kurt stumbled to the front of your GoGo driver’s car. His hands slammed onto the hood as he caught himself. You didn’t even notice him get out of his Prius.

“Jesus Christ,” You said to yourself in tired disbelief.

He looked up, hands still laying flat on the car. He stared at you and looked like a frightened animal. 

He said your name in a panic before following it up with, “Get out of the car! Please, I- I need you to come talk to me!”

Charlie layed on the horn and shouted back before you could, “Brother, get off my car before I call the police.”

This is up there as one of the most humiliating days of your life.

Kurt ignored the threat and said while looking directly at you, “I really can’t lose you.”

Why the hell is your heart breaking at that? He was looking at you and acting like you were breaking up with him. You weren’t actually dating, you met him like two weeks ago!

“Listen, I don’t want to cause any problems, but I can’t sit here while your man goes crazy,” Charlie said in a somewhat sympathetic tone.

Even your random GoGo driver thought you two were dating. Not a hard conclusion to come to when Kurt said shit like, “I can’t lose you”. Explaining the real situation would take longer than this stupid car ride. So, you rolled with it instead.

“It’s fine, I just need to get home. Just… try not to hit him,” You said while burying your face in your hands to hide from the world

You felt the car jolt backwards. You didn’t look up to see if he was about to hit Kurt or not. The car pulled forward and you didn’t feel a bump, so you imagine that Kurt made it unscathed. You spent the next few minutes rubbing your eyes with your palms and controlling your breathing.

“I know you’re going through a lot right now, and I don’t want to scare you, but he’s following us,” Charlie said as calmly as he could given the scenario.

You looked up at that and looked behind you. Yeah, he wasn’t lying to you. Kurt is trailing behind you guys. The man just doesn’t give up. Sighing, you flop back onto the seat. Are his views that important to him to where he’d hold you hostage for them?

“Do you want me to call the police?” Charlie offered after seeing your defeated reaction.

No, you didn’t want to deal with the police. Sure, Kurt was being weird and stalker-y again, but you knew the guy was harmless.

“Nah, I’ll be fine once I get home,” You said, not super convincingly.

Charlie looked back at the road after glancing at you in the rearview mirror.

“If you say so… I know some places that can help you out if he’s hurting you,” He said, trying to remain nonchalant about it so he wouldn’t scare you away.

Okay, so now the GoGo driver believes that you and Kurt are/were dating and that he’s abusing you. Spectacular, thank you, Mr. Mouthfeel. You knew he probably wouldn’t believe you if you denied it.

“That’s alright, thanks though,” You said, turning away to look out the side window.

Charlie didn’t talk to you for the rest of the ride to your house. You also thanked whatever higher powers existed that Kurt didn’t kill anyone in his low-speed chase. He isn’t known to be a safe driver. 

Charlie pulled up to your house. Kurt parked right behind him. Charlie looked at you one last time in the mirror.

“You sure you’ll be alright?” He asked.

You swallowed, eyes glued to your house through the window. Your heart raced nervously. Honestly, you had no idea what would happen once you got out of the car.

“Positive, thank you for the ride,” You mumbled weakly before throwing your bag over your shoulder.

Then, you got out of the car and closed the door behind you. Facing forward, you marched steadily towards your front door.

You heard another car door open behind you.

You didn’t increase or decrease your pace. Your instincts told you to run, but you held strong.

Quick footsteps could be heard getting closer to you.

It’s okay if you want to run. Why are you just letting him catch up to you?

You continued onward. 

Until you couldn’t. A hand grabbed your arm, stopping you and turning your body around to face him. To face Kurt. 

He held your arm firmly, but not hard enough to hurt. He looked slightly down into your eyes, panting a little from either the sudden movement or from adrenaline. His face softened when he noted that you were subtly shaking, almost unnoticeable.

You expected a phone to be shoved into your face, but he wasn’t holding his phone.

“I… I messed up, I think,” He said after a moment of you two just staring at each other.

You didn’t know what to say to that. You didn’t pull away from his grip. In fact, no part of your body would move. Not while he’s looking at you like that. Like he’s genuinely distressed with the idea of losing you.

Behind him you could see your GoGo leaving. There was no one around now to pay you two any attention. No one. No one in person, and no one online.

“I was thinking during the drive. And I, uh, left the phone in the car. No stream. The- All of the cameras are off,” Kurt said clumsily when you didn’t say anything.

It was a little late for that. But in your heart, you wanted to hear him out. Your stupid, ever hopeful heart.

“Okay,” Was all that you managed to say.

At that, Kurt seemed convinced that you wouldn’t run. His hand left your arm, letting it fall to his side. Your arm missed the heat and pressure as soon as it was gone.

“You, uh, I’m going to, um, talk about what I’m thinking. Is- are you okay with that?” Kurt stuttered nervously, seemingly not expecting to get this far.

You nodded, unable to take your eyes off of Kurt’s. Your head blankly went between optimistically hoping that you were wrong this entire time, and trying to convince yourself that any excuse he gives will be bullshit.

Kurt nodded back, a smile threatening to show itself on his lips. He fought it off, keeping his face serious. 

“Okay, um… You’ve been convinced that I don’t care about you… the whole time we’ve known each other, right?” Kurt asked, not knowing how to start.

You blinked, “Yeah.”

Kurt nodded again.

“Well, I, uh, also thought that you didn’t care about me this whole time,” Kurt said,

Your tense expression fell at that.

Kurt continued, “I thought- I thought you hated me or something. Like, you only stayed for the free rides. Honestly… when you gave me your phone number, I thought maybe we were starting to become friends.”

You… You can see why he might think that. You always pretended like you were annoyed with Kurt. Sometimes you really were annoyed, like when he was solely focused on social media. But most of the time, you played it up for comedic effect. You found it funny, at least. You sort of thought Kurt did too.

“Are you being serious right now?” You asked in awed disbelief.

Your heart has been racing so much today that you think you might have a heart attack before you go to bed tonight. This time, it was less nervous and more excited. Kurt might actually give a shit. He might.

Or he might rip your heart to shreds without intending to again.

He smiled, his eyes crinkling, showing you that it was genuine.

“You’re my favorite collaborator that I’ve ever had. My dad’s an annoying piece of shit, Bobby’s… To be pretty honest, he’s an asshole sometimes. But you… You smile at me and talk to me in a way no one has ever done before… ever… In a good way! I think.” Kurt said hopefully.

You aren’t even upset at him calling you a “collaborator” right then. In fact, you aren’t upset like you were before at all. Your chest was constricting, suffocating you at the implication that you’re most likely wrong. No one is watching you right now. He has almost no reason to say this right now, other than to cheer you up.

“I was hoping that we could eventually, uh, become friends,” Kurt then added on.

“We are friends,” You then blurted out without thinking.

Kurt’s eyes widened a little, his mouth fell open like he couldn’t believe you just said that.

“We are?”

“If you want to be.”

Kurt smiled again, giddy this time. He bounced on his heels a couple of times, like he couldn’t contain the burst of energy that ran through his body. 

You frowned, but you weren’t sad or angry. You were wrong. He gives a shit about you. How much? You don’t know, but you do know that he wants you around for more than views.

“Do you want to- would you want to hang out outside of the ride home?” Kurt asked enthusiastically.

“Like, just hang out as friends?” You asked dumbly.

It’s been a long time since someone asked you to hang out with them.

“Yeah! We could shoot a video for YouTube and review something or do an unboxing. Whatever you want to do,” Kurt said just as excitedly, an inspired spark in his eyes.

You frowned a little more. Well, okay. Kurt might care about you and want to be friends. But he still knows you bring views in. He’s going to keep milking it. It’s just what he does.

“What if… I don’t want to do anything social media related?” You asked hesitantly, afraid of the answer.

His smile faltered a bit, but he perked right back up a moment later. 

“The social media game is one of my hobbies- one of my passions. But- I mean, as long as we can still do some stuff together, I won’t mind. Like, uh, even if it’s just the usual streams,” He said.

He followed it up with, “We can do whatever you want to do. Anything.”

Your mind went blank for a second in shock. Then your intelligence came back and you realized he probably didn’t mean to insinuate anything . 

But, Kurt is still saying that he would do things with you that didn’t involve social media or gaining numbers… that’s a lot for him. The bar is low, and you’re just now realizing that. However, you went from thinking that he wouldn’t care if you died if it meant getting him views; to him telling you he wants to spend time with you off camera if it’ll make you happy.

He cares. He wants to be friends with you. He wants you around. He appreciates you.

You think you’re struggling to not fall in love with him. 

Still looking up at him with this dumb awestruck expression on your face, you asked softly, “You really care about me?”

Kurt looked a little concerned at you seemingly still not getting it. But, he nodded regardless and smiled away.

“I care about you, I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die,” He said, and then made the X motion over his heart.

With that, it was like something fell off of you. Your body relaxed, and the only thing you could feel is relief… and maybe a little adoration for your favorite stupid Spree driver. Annoyingly, the floodgates opened for the twentieth time in the past few days, and tears escaped your tear ducts before you could stop them.

Kurt’s face fell into a slight panic again. His arms raised and hovered in the air, like he didn’t know what to do with them.

“Uh, what happened?” He asked, panic evident in his tone as well.

You didn’t answer him. And you probably should have asked permission first, but you didn’t think about it in your current mental state.

You leaned forward and wrapped your arms around Kurt’s middle, bringing him into an embrace. Your face pressed into his shoulder to hide your tears. Kurt’s body tensed at the sudden contact, but he didn’t pull away.

Your hands clutched at the material of his shirt on his back, keeping him close. Sobs wracked through your body, but it wasn’t painful like the rest of the times you’ve cried. It feels good, freeing.

His body was warm against yours, it should be uncomfortable with how hot it is outside, but it isn’t. It’s quite the opposite, actually. It’s comforting, like coming home after a long trip. He smelled a little bit like mango, probably the vape he carried around and reviewed. But there was also a hint of AXE body spray. The mixture of smells wasn’t as unpleasant as you expected it to be.

After a beat passed, Kurt’s body slowly relaxed. His arms gently found their way around you, pulling you even closer to him. He moved slowly, like he wasn’t sure if anything he was doing would hurt you or not. Your grip tightened at the reciprocated touch.

It’s been a while since you’ve been held like this, it only made your tears come quicker.

Kurt's hand on your upper back moved up and down slowly. The motions were oddly soothing despite being stiff and unsure.

“I’m sorry… I never hugged someone who was crying before,” Kurt apologized in almost a whisper next to your ear, reminding you how close he was.

You huffed a short laugh at that. Kurt only mistook it as another sob and his hand stills on your back. 

“Are we still friends?” Kurt whispered his question, but you could pick up a hint of worry. 

You lifted your head up so your chin was resting on his shoulder. A shaky sigh passed your lips.

“Yeah, you’re probably my best friend, actually,” You admitted without thinking.

Good going, genius. You just told Kurt that he was your only friend, making yourself look even more sad.

To your surprise, Kurt let out an excited little laugh that made your ear tingle with how close he was. You could feel his breath on your skin. He pulled you even tighter against him.

“You’re my best friend too, I think,” He said, full of appreciation.

…Or maybe you’re both just really sad.

Chapter Text

After you gave into the uncontrollable urge to hug Kurt, pulling away was awkward and difficult. A small part of that was because you missed the slightly alarming amount of comfort it gave you. But mostly it was because Kurt kept his hands on your hips after you fully removed yourself from the hug. You had to physically take his hands and return them to his own space.

Which… it was funny, but you pretended it was annoying at the time.

You two gave your goodbyes to each other. Kurt was more openly excited than you, but inwardly, you probably felt just as excited as he did. 

You had a friend. A friend who had reassured you multiple times that he cared about you. You couldn’t stop yourself from still having a few doubts, but you believed him, for the most part. 

Sure, that friend happened to be Kurt Kunkle, who would probably do almost anything for more views, but it was still someone that cared about you.

And you cared about him too… Maybe too much, considering that you’ve developed feelings for him that only get stronger the more he openly shows you affection. It really only proved how neglected you were emotionally. 

You knew you could feel yourself falling harder for the greasy streamer you now called your best friend. Especially when the next day on your ride home, Kurt was acting differently. His cringey personality didn’t change, and neither did his constant clout-chasing. But, he was even more excited for you to get off work than before.

The moment you got into the car, he greeted you and asked how your day was with a huge grin and endearment in his eyes.

…Oh, right. The different part was that he did that before addressing his stream. 

“Hey! How was your day at work today?”

“Hey… it was okay.”

“Oh, yeah totally. If only it was better than okay, right- am I right?”

You looked at him then with slightly bewildered amusement. He met your eyes and waited for your answer to his weird question.

“Yeah.”

He huffed a laugh while nodding, signifying that he agreed with your agreement.

“Right, yeah.”

What the hell kind of conversation is this? You were about to ask just that, but then Kurt went off on his usual tangent of welcoming his stream and plugging his socials.

That wasn’t the only difference. He started to pay more attention to you. Sure, he gave you some attention before. But that was because he was engaging with you to appease his audience. Now, sometimes he engages with his audience to appease you. You didn’t ask him to do that, he just apparently felt the need to.

“Hey, don’t- Pansy isn’t going to put their tongue anywhere they don’t want to, guys,” He scolded after a particularly raunchy donation.

That didn’t make it any less humiliating. It made it worse actually, but you weren’t going to yell at him for trying to help you out. You still buried your face in your hands and groaned anyway. 

Despite his new urge to occasionally defend you against his chat, he didn’t discourage them from pretending the two of you were dating. That was still a very popular subject in your ever-growing fandom. It’s what brought in a lot of Kurt’s viewer base. He wasn’t going to throw that one away.

You two did your usual back-and-forth sitcom routine with each other. Kurt said something absurd:

“Because we’re close- really good friends, uh, what’s your blood type?”

And then you reacted with an appropriately bewildered response:

“What the fuck? Why the hell would you need to know my blood type?”

And then the scene played out:

Kurt looked a little embarrassed at you not thinking this was an appropriate question.

“Well, what if we get into a car accident? If you were bleeding out, that would be useful information to have,” He said like that absolutely made sense.

You looked at him like he was dumb, which, he was sometimes. 

“And what? You’d pull out the blood I need from your collection in the trunk?” You asked sarcastically.

He frowned a little further and shot you a brief look of concern.

“Um, I don’t have a blood collection in my trunk. Or anywhere actually,” He replied, and you honestly couldn’t tell if he was joking or thought you actually believed he had a collection of blood in the trunk.

That scene ended when you told Kurt you weren’t giving out your medical information to thousands of people. You followed it up by telling him you didn’t want someone to show up at your house and try to harvest your organs for the black market. 

Then you and Kurt arrived at your home. You found yourself kind of disappointed that the ride had ended already. Bantering with Kurt had become one of your favorite hobbies. And you only got to do it once a weekday for twenty or so minutes.

Sure, the both of you expressed a desire to see each other outside of the Spree rides. However, it seemed like neither of you were brave enough to bring it up.

For the quickest of moments, you had the urge to give Kurt another hug before you left the car. You expelled that thought from your mind the moment it entered. That would be a terrible mistake to make in front of your rabid shipping-obsessed fans.

Also, you knew that touching Kurt again would only have you digging your own grave even deeper. Having feelings for Kurt was not a good thing. It was not healthy for either of you. 

You and Kurt exchanged goodbyes. He threw a peace sign your way as you were leaving. You surprised him when you gave him one back once you were out of the camera’s angles. His eyes widened before he smiled at you brightly and full of affection.

If only he knew how that smile made your pulse spike and your chest tingle.

How the fuck did you let yourself fall for a cringe-inducing, clout-hungry, greasy streamer like Kurt? 

Probably because he’s cute and makes you laugh every day. It also doesn’t hurt that he cared enough to follow you home-

Okay, that doesn’t sound great, but it’s better with context. 

Unexpectedly, Kurt sent you a text message that night. Of course it was when you should have been in bed so you would be well-rested for work. You weren’t.

It’s not your fault that Franklin wanted cuddles.

22:12 Kurt ✌️🌎: Hey!

22:12 Kurt ✌️🌎: It’s Kurt btw

You huffed a laugh through your nose and texted him back. You did that while ignoring the fluttering in your chest that appeared when you got the notification.

22:13: lol I know it’s you. you put your contact in my phone, remember?

22:13 Kurt ✌️🌎: Oh yeah lol

22:13 Kurt ✌️🌎: What are you doing on wednesday?

Your heart beat a little faster at that. Was he asking you to hang out?

22:14: working

22:14 Kurt ✌️🌎: Oh right

You idiot. Way to ruin it before he could even ask. Well, you did have to work. He should know your schedule by now. He picked you up every day.

What were you even going to do? Take off work to hang out with Kurt? …You’re not seriously considering it, are you? You met him two weeks ago; what is wrong with you?

22:16 Kurt ✌️🌎: Are you a gamer by any chance

Squinting a little at your phone in confusion, you answered the question.

22:16: i like video games if that’s what you’re asking

22:17 Kurt ✌️🌎: Cool!

22:17 Kurt ✌️🌎: Bobby Bud Lee and the boys are having our monthly gaming sesh that night

22:17 Kurt ✌️🌎: Was wondering if you wanted to join?

The last thing you wanted to do was spend any time with Bobby, who is possibly a child, and whatever shitty friends he had.

22:18: probably

Dumbass.

You’ll have a terrible time, but you reminded yourself of Kurt’s video where he played games and swore the whole time. It was disturbingly… hot to you. And he obviously wanted you there so you two could spend time together. The thought of that alone had you smiling to yourself.

Oh Jesus Christ… are you simping for DJ Kurt Kunkle now?

You need to go to therapy.

22:19 Kurt ✌️🌎: Yes!! Can’t wait ❤️

You aren’t responding to that. You’ll end up embarrassing yourself by saying something stupid. You’re already having a crisis in your head about your feelings for the man. The worst thing you could do is give him a hint that you have any romantic feelings towards him.

Which you do. You are a freak. A freak who developed a crush on a Spree driver that didn’t do anything other than give you attention… Why couldn’t it have been Charlie the GoGo driver instead?

Okay, you’re going to get your shit together starting right now. No more crushing on Kurt. You will make yourself understand that you can’t develop feelings for someone just because they expressed that they care about you.

You put your phone down on the nightstand next to your bed and plugged it into the charger. It’s already past the time you should have fallen asleep.

Early in the morning, you walked to work like usual. You managed to finally finish the stupid shredding project while you were there.

On your way to dump the thirteenth and final bag of shredded documents for the day, one of your coworkers stopped you with a call of your name. You stopped your mindless walk to the dumpsters outside and put the bag down to give him your full attention.

“What’s up?” You asked, expecting to be requested to run some sort of errand.

“Flora and I were planning on going out for drinks after work. Want to come with?” Your coworker, Darius, asked.

Darius and Flora were work besties. You’ve seen the two of them gossip at each other’s desks all the time. You never really talked to Darius, but Flora was nice enough to you when she passed by. She was the first one to ask you if you were okay after you were mugged. You’ve never had any deep conversations with either of them, let alone hung out with them after work.

You relaxed your face, knowing that you were probably making some sort of cautious expression. They haven’t shown any interest in spending time with you before.

Darius definitely noticed your standoffish stance. He didn’t seem to take offense to it. Instead he smiled welcomingly.

“It’s just… We’ve noticed that you’ve been having a hard time since you were, you know, attacked,” He said it like it was a sensitive topic; like your family member died or something.

He followed it up with, “And we thought maybe you’d like to unwind and have a couple of drinks. No pressure or anything, though.”

You bit your lip in thought for a moment. You did have those really bad few days this week, which is probably what they noticed. It was possible that they actually did want to take you out to cheer you up. It might not hurt to spend a Friday not alone for once. However, there was one problem with that:

You don’t like people. 

And you don’t like going out. You were naturally wary of people and their intentions. It made you anxious to try and open up to new people. Hell, it took you two weeks to acknowledge that Kurt didn’t just use you for views.

But… The whole reason you developed feelings for Kurt was because he gave you more attention than anyone else. Literally anyone else.

You don’t like people, but you’re lonely enough to do that . Going out with people made you want to puke, but you craved companionship and affection from others. That doesn’t make much sense, but it’s how you operate. It’s like you’re some angsty teen who sits alone at the lunch tables. Well… You do sit alone at the lunch tables, but you’re in your 20s.

Maybe if you spent time getting to know other people, your feelings for the greasy streamer would diminish. Your problem could just be because you saw Kurt as your only option for love and friendship.

“Uh, sure… like right after work?” You asked more timidly than you intended.

Darius smiled a little brighter at this and nodded.

“Yeah, happy hour is at four for the place we like to go. You can ride over with us and everything. Is that cool?”

Oh boy… That meant that you wouldn’t see Kurt after work today. He isn’t going to be happy with that. Your fans won’t be happy either.

Wait, when have you ever cared about keeping the fans happy?

“I think so?” You said, more of a question than a confirmation.

Darius nodded and faced the work in front of him again.

“Cool, we’ll meet you by your desk when we’re ready to go,” Darius said, ending the conversation.

You nodded in response despite him not being able to see it. Then you continued to dispose of all of the documents you just shredded. Anxiety began budding in you at the unfamiliar change of routine and expectations to be social.

On your lunch break, you bounced your leg nervously while staring at your phone. You had to tell Kurt to not pick you up today. Worst case scenario is that he shows up anyway and causes a scene like he did a few days ago. Best case scenario is that he accepts it and goes about his day.

Curiously, you opened his stream on your phone. You knew he’d be streaming right now. He was, of course, and he was alone right now. He was probably looking for a new rider to pick up. This is the perfect time to break the bad news to him.

Keeping the stream up in a corner of your screen, you switch to your texting app.

12:02: hey something came up after work. you don’t have to drive me home today

On the stream you saw Kurt look at his phone and light up at seeing your notification. Almost instantly afterwards, he frowned.

“Guys, Pansy just texted me. They, uh, told me not to pick them up,” He said in a concerned tone while pulling the car over.

While Kurt was parking his car a donation came through, “What did you do now, dumbass?”

Kurt scoffed and said, “I didn’t do anything… At least… I, uh, don’t think I did. Sometimes they get upset with me and I have no- don’t understand why for a while.”

Well excuse you for not telling Kurt that you have personal issues and a crush on him.

You watched the stream in the corner. Kurt picked his phone up from the stand and held it down to his lap. It gave you the perfect view of him giving himself a double-chin.

A few seconds later, a text appeared under yours.

12:05 Kurt ✌️🌎: Aww why not?

12:05 Kurt ✌️🌎: Is something wrong?

At least he isn’t begging you to join his stream anyway.

12:06: nah nothing happened. just some coworkers needed a favor

You were afraid of telling Kurt that you were just hanging out with them. Knowing him, he’d want to come along to get extra content. Then that would mark the third time Kurt caused you to embarrass yourself in front of your coworkers. You don’t know what he would do, but you know it wouldn’t be sane.

12:07 Kurt ✌️🌎: Can I pick you up when you’re done with the favor?

12:07: they’re giving me a ride home

12:08 Kurt ✌️🌎: Please

You are absolutely disgusted with yourself and how much you enjoy Kurt telling you “please”. 

Ignoring that budding fiasco, you focused on the fact that Kurt will keep pushing until gets his way. Even if it means following you around in his car. Wow, you really don’t make him sound all that great when you think things like that.

12:08: if i promise that i’ll film a video with you this weekend will you let it go?

After all, compromise is key to a healthy relationship… relationship? Calm down now. You two are friends. You suppose the same rule applies to a friendship, though. 

You watched in real time as Kurt looked up from his phone and a smile slowly formed on his face. Why did you just suddenly feel dread run through you?

He looked into the camera next to the window. You don’t have access to that camera at the moment, so you could only see the side of his face from his lap. 

“You guys, Pansy just told me they’d film a video- a YouTube video with me this weekend! What should we film?” He asked excitedly.

He bit his lip, still smiling, and looked back towards the phone. 

12:09 Kurt ✌️🌎: Awesome!!!! We can definitely do that!! I’ll send you the deets later ❤️

You exited the text app and let the stream take over the screen again. Just now realizing that you were biting your nails, you stopped doing that. It’s a bad habit when you’re nervous. You actually felt a little better now. Not completely, as you still had to socialize with people who were strangers to you. But, it was better than before.

Idly, you watched the chat give dumb suggestions. There weren't a lot of people here, but there was enough to keep the chat steadily going.

squirtsworld69: SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE SEX TAPE 

tsunderewave: date???

poppy2005: do an unboxing but its a box of condoms dfjhsjfdj IM FUNNY I PROMISE

dickyleaks: Go to therapy ur both fucked up

dumptruckstan2: Whoever took dumptruckstan I hate you

penguin321: can you do the virginity loss challenge? its super viral rn trust

pansysmurderdrill: why r u all so horny i just wanna see the kitties again 😻

squirtsworld69: IF YOU DONT DO A SEX TAPE IM KILLING MYSELF!!!!

You don’t think you’ve ever seen a chat message from any of Kurt’s viewers that you were impressed with.

You didn’t stick around to see how Kurt would respond to the very intelligent suggestions. Instead, you closed the stream so that you could eat your lunch without distraction. You only had about fifteen minutes to eat the rest of your sandwich. That idiot gets so much of your time, it’s ridiculous.

When the end of your shift rolled around, you waited by your desk with your backpack on and your phone in your hand. You were scrolling mindlessly through Twitter, trying to distract yourself from the nervous energy pulsing through your body.

It’ll be fine. You’re just getting drinks with a couple of coworkers. These coworkers are already close to each other, so you won’t even have to worry about trying to keep the conversation going. It won’t be as awkward and uncomfortable as your brain is telling you it will be.

Darius and Flora then walked into the lobby, already having a conversation with each other. They were smiling and looked genuinely excited. That made you feel a little better.

Flora made eye contact with you and smiled wider.

“Hey! Thanks for joining us! Are you ready to go?” She asked happily.

You smiled back in a way you hoped wasn’t uncomfortable.

“I think so,” You answered, trying to sound casual.

The two led you to Flora’s car after exchanging greetings. You got into the backseat and put your seatbelt on. The ride to the bar was okay. They did their best to make small talk with you about work and the weather. It turns out none of you are a fan of how hot it has been outside… How exciting.

You sort of missed the outlandish shit Kurt would say while driving you around. Flora and Darius were nice, but the dull conversation topics did little to distract you from your anxiety. Somehow, you were almost never nervous around Kurt after the first ride he gave you. Maybe he was just a good distraction. You wouldn’t say you were exactly comfortable around Kurt… that would be crazy.

And you’re definitely not crazy or anything.

When you arrived at the bar with the two, you trailed behind them while they found a table. You watched the floor as you walked through the already busy hangout spot. It was Friday afternoon; everywhere is going to be packed full of people.

Flora then grabbed your hand and led you to an open table with an excited giggle. You let her drag you to your seat despite your hand feeling like it was being poked with needles. 

That happened sometimes when you got overwhelmed. Things touching you were painful. It only happens when there’s a bunch of sensations happening at once. You realized that you’re probably overstimulated. 

You got onto a bar stool placed in front of a small round table. The table was just big enough to fit the three of you.

Once all of you were seated, a bartender approached you and took your drink orders. Your two coworkers ordered pretty strong cocktails. Usually, you were a fan of drinks where you could hardly taste the alcohol in it. But, you were afraid that if you ordered one of those, your coworkers would somehow think less of you.

Flora ordered something called a “Death Spiral”, which was some sort of house special. That scared the shit out of you, so you just copied Darius’s order, a long island iced tea. You know it has a lot of alcohol in it, but you’ll drink it slowly.

The bartender came back with your drinks and the three of you thanked her. 

You took a sip through the straw and yeah, that’s alcohol alright. You successfully resisted the urge to make a disgusted face at the beverage.

“So… how are things going with the guy you’ve been seeing?” Flora asked after leaning away from her drink.

Of course she looked at you while she asked that. You don’t know if she actually forgot who Kurt was or if she was just pretending not to know him. She saw the video where the two of you were mugged. And you would be shocked if she hadn’t shown it to Darius right afterward.

Darius was looking at you expectedly too.

Oh. They didn’t bring you here just because you were upset. They wanted insider information on what happened between you and Kurt.

You probably should have known that from the start. When has anyone at work ever cared if you were upset?

“Uh, I’m not seeing anyone,” You said quietly, but loud enough so they could hear over the crowd.

Flora frowned sympathetically and gently asked, “Aww, did you two break up?”

You shook your head and sipped your drink again. 

“So you two were never together then?” Darius then chimed in.

Releasing the straw from your mouth, you said, “We’re just friends.”

They looked surprised at that. Darius hid it better than Flora.

“Everyone online thinks you and Kurt are dating. That’s wild!” Flora said, like she didn’t think you knew that already.

Well, that proved that Flora knew who Kurt was this whole time. They weren’t very good at being sneaky.

“Yeah! You should see all of the crazy, nasty, posts they make about you two,” Darius said, matching Flora’s high energy. 

Oh, you’ve seen them.

Your leg began to bounce against the leg of the chair.

“I, uh, don’t really want to talk about Kurt,” You said as politely as you could.

The two of them then looked less excited and more concerned. 

Flora spoke up first, “I thought you two were okay again after what happened the other day.”

Jesus, did they regularly watch Kurt’s stupid stream? That’s really embarrassing on both of your parts. It also makes you pretty uncomfortable that people who you know in real life are watching you interact with Kurt. 

With your parents, it's different because your cringey moments probably made them feel ashamed in themselves. That’s all you wanted from them anymore. With your coworkers, your cringey moments are something for them to laugh at with each other.

“We are okay,” You said while playing with the straw in your drink, eyes glued to it.

Wow, you just realized how awkward you are with other people compared to your loser streamer friend. Well, you always knew that, but now there’s a noticeable difference.

“Is the livestream the only thing you two do with each other?” Flora then asked with a smile that resembled a mischievous child.

It’s like they didn’t hear you when you said you didn’t want to talk about Kurt.

“Yeah,” For now .

A pause, then, “Did you ever get in trouble for hitting that guy with a drill?”

“Nope,” You answered before taking another sip.

It went like that for a little while. You started tuning out the world around you and focused on the quiz you were apparently completing about you and Kurt. Flora and Darius asked invasive questions, and you gave one word answers.

It was better than arguing with them. You would rather not cause problems with people that you see everyday. And verbal conflict scared you more than physical conflict for some reason. 

All you had to do was deal with them until they were satisfied. It vaguely reminded you of some unpleasant memories that you tried to forget.

This wasn’t helping with your distaste for people and going out.

“Do you still have those cats?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you make any money off of the streams?”

“No.”

“That’s really fucked up.”

“...”

“Do you want another drink?”

“Um, I don’t know.”

Darius ordered you another drink anyway. Your vision was already blurring around the edges. When you got up to pee, your body suddenly felt like the gravity on Earth shifted.

However, the new drink was a sort of blessing in disguise. Your anxiety was covered by a blanket of inebriation. After a question about what you and Kurt have in common, you opened up about your love of video games with a slight smile. Darius looked somewhat interested, but he might have just been trying to be polite.

A little while later, Flora said something that was really funny, something about your boss and Kurt. You honestly forgot what it was already, but it made you laugh so hard that you spilled her drink. Luckily, it was almost empty and she wasn’t at all upset.

“You’ve seriously never thought about hooking up with him?” Flora asked after a different giggle fit.

She was drunk too… you think.

“Oh no, I totally have. I’d kiss him so hard if he asked,” You exclaimed more comfortably than you remembered yourself being ages ago.

“Oh my god, you should go for it! I bet he’s never fucked anyone in his life,” Darius encouraged with another sip of his drink.

Which reminded you that you had a drink to drink. You took a sip too.

You huffed a laugh and said, “It’s not a bad thing if he hasn’t… And I don’t want to like him in that way. It just sort of happened.”

“No one chooses whether or not to find someone sexy, they just do. And you find… Kurt sexy. I don’t… see the problem there,” Darius said between giggles.

You finished your drink, the straw making a loud noise as you sucked up nothing. Darius bought you a new drink without asking. You forgot what the conversation was about just then.

You woke up to someone shaking your shoulder. You looked up to see Flora giving you a sympathetic smile. You expected to be home, but you were still at the crowded bar.

At least you think that’s Flora. She has a few more eyes than you thought she had.

“Hey, I think you should call a ride home,” She said.

It took you a moment to comprehend where you were and what she was saying. But when you did, your eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“I thought- I thought you guys were taking me home?” You asked tiredly.

She looked over at Darius before coming back to you.

“Well, we were, but it’s still early. You look like you should go to bed, and maybe put a bucket next to the bed,” She said.

“For what?” You asked, not comprehending what you need a bucket for.

She ignored your question and offered, “Want me to order you a Spree?”

At that your heart fluttered and you felt more awake. You lifted your head up and the world blurred like a watercolor painting. Blinking a few times brought it back to somewhat normal.

“You’re calling Kurt?” You asked in interest.

If you saw Kurt right now… Man, you’d feel a lot better, you think. He wouldn’t get you drunk to answer his dumb questions. He’d just outright ask you his dumb questions. He’d even care about you while he did it. Unlike these two uncaring pieces of shit.

She looked almost delighted at the suggestion.

“I can call Kurt for you. What’s his number?”

Uh, what?

You don’t want this bitch to have Kurt’s number. What would she do with it? Take your place on his streams? Nah, not happening.

You made a noise of disgust and turned away from her. Then you pulled out your phone from your pocket. You unlocked your phone after a few tries to hit the correct passcode buttons. Going into your contacts, you scroll until you see his info with the stupid emojis.

You pressed the call button and held it up to your ear with an excited giggle. You couldn’t help it. You’re going to talk to Kurt. Kurt, the cutie who cared about you.

After two rings, you hear a confused, “Uh, hello?”

Another giggle escaped your lips before you could stop it. 

“Hey, Kurt. Hey, I… Oh shit,” You laughed again.

Kurt said your name in a question.

“Yeah, sorry, I forgot why I called you for a second. Can- Can you come get me?”

He was silent and you thought he might have hung up on you. 

But then he asked, “I thought, uh, you didn’t need a ride today. Are you- Is everything alright?”

“I changed my mind, sorry… Are you still Spreeing?” You asked, wondering if he was still driving people around. 

Kurt better not be. It’s like 2:00 AM. He would have been driving for… like eighteen hours straight. He’s really going to have blood clots in his legs at this rate.

“I’m still driving my Spree, yeah. Where-”

“Oh my god, Kurt! You’re going to get your legs amputated. You can’t keep doing this shit,” You exclaimed loudly after throwing your hand up for emphasis.

You are so tired right now, it’s kind of insane.

“I’m… what?” He asked, completely confused.

“It’s so late out,” You said, like that was supposed to clear anything up. 

“It’s only a little before eight,” Kurt said, sounding just as confused as he did before.

What?

You pulled your phone back to look at the time. When your vision focused, you could see that it really was just before eight at night.

“Are you wasted right now or something?” Kurt asked.

“...A little bit,” You answered honestly.

You thought you heard him sigh over the phone. What? Are you being annoying right now? Sorry that you don’t want to walk home while drunk off your ass in LA. Maybe he’d rather you get mugged again.

He interrupted you before you could accuse him of anything, “I’m streaming right now.”

“You’re always streaming,” You said like that was obvious, which it was.

“And you still, uh, want me to pick you up? While you’re wasted?” He asked.

“Pretty please, Kurt?” You asked as sweetly as you could muster. 

“...Yeah, uh… Yeah. I’ll be there as soon as I can,” He said, sounding somewhat conflicted.

There was shuffling on the other line, then, “I’m sorry man, but, uh, I’ll have to drop you off early.”

There was a voice you couldn’t pick up that didn’t sound very happy. Oh shit, did Kurt have a passenger right now? The thought made you laugh to yourself.

“It’s an emergency. Pansy… if you watched my streams on LiveFly at Kurtsworld96, you’d know Pansy. They need me to pick them up,” He explained, barely audible on the phone.

“I’m not a fucking pansy, Kurt,” You complained uselessly.

He didn’t hear you, so you hung up on him. Then you ignored the protests of your coworkers when you grabbed your backpack and pushed your way outside of the bar. Miraculously, you didn’t fall; only a few stumbles here and there.

The sun was just setting below the horizon. It really was still early. You watched the buildings around you sway. Or were you swaying? You couldn’t tell.

Your phone rang. You held it up to your ear, where it still rang. Laughing at yourself, you brought it back down to accept the call before bringing it back to your ear.

“This better not be my stupid, asshole dad again,” You warned playfully.

“It’s not. It’s, uh, Kurt, from Kurt’s World,” Kurt greeted, while dumbly plugging his socials to you.

“I already know that… dumbass,” You said with a laugh at your own not-joke.

“That’s not- Never mind. Where are you? I forgot to ask that before you hung up,” He explained.

Oh… That’s an issue.

“Fuck, I don’t know… Oh, let me share my location with you,” You mumbled before ending the call again.

He tried to call you again, which you declined while you turned location sharing on. It took him a couple of seconds, but he accepted. He wasn’t too far away… you think. The numbers are hard to read right now.

Hours later… It felt like hours, Kurt’s Prius approached the corner you were standing on. You smiled and hopped in place excitedly. On the last hop, you stumbled a little.

Recovering from that, you grinned widely and approached the car. Opening the door, you tossed your bag on the floor and practically fell onto the seat.

Kurt watched you with a curious look. You looked back at him, taking in his features. God, he looked so cute to you right now. His big, brown eyes are taking you in and his mouth is slightly open.

“Hey, Mr. Mouthfeel. How are you doing tonight?” You asked, trying to be funny.

He didn’t really laugh at that. His mouth thinned into a line. 

“PANSY DRUNK ARC CONFIRMED. KURT WASN’T LYING,” A donation announced.

You looked at one of the cameras with slight confusion.

“Oh, I forgot you were streaming,” You mumbled.

“I told you I was streaming,” Kurt said, tone void of any emotion.

You looked at Kurt. Something about his behavior was putting you on edge. He looked back at you blankly. Was he mad at you? You didn’t do anything that would make him upset. 

“I’m sorry,” You said sadly.

Kurt’s face softened at that.

“Uh, for what?”

You shrugged and looked out the window, past the camera.

“I ruined your night, obviously.”

A beat passed.

“You didn’t ruin my night… You know- I always like seeing you,” Kurt reassured.

You smiled again at that and your heart beat a little quicker. It sort of made you feel dizzier. The car wasn’t even moving yet. Your worries were temporarily forgotten.

“I always like seeing you too, Kurt. Kurt Kunkle…” You muttered with a slight laugh at the end.

You still can’t believe that’s his real name. Kunkle…

Kurt was about to say something, his mouth opened with a small smile. You beat him to it.

“If we ever get married, I can’t take your last name,” You said with another laugh.

He frowned in surprise at that, mouth falling even more open

“You, uh, you’ve thought about us getting married?” He asked in a tone you couldn’t place.

“It’s just too goofy-sounding. No offense, by the way. You can take my name,” You explained, not comprehending that Kurt just asked you something.

“Kurt better stream the Kurtsy wedding,” A donation sounded.

“What the fuck is “Kurtsy”?” You asked while Kurt began to drive away from the bar. 

“It’s like another name for, uh, you know, us being a couple,” Kurt said.

You guess KurtxPansy got to be too much for the fans to type. Lazy assholes… And they’re still calling you Pansy. By now, they’d probably never stop. You’re not going to stop complaining about it, though.

The overhead car light turned off. The only light in the car was from Kurt’s phone and the street lights outside. The world outside of the car was moving so fast that you couldn’t make out any of the details.

Looking down to stop yourself from getting nauseous, you asked, “Why are we going so fast?”

“...We’re actually going the speed limit,” Kurt said in mild concern.

It didn’t feel like it, but Kurt hadn’t been wrong about the time earlier, so he probably wasn’t wrong this time either. 

“We can’t see shit,” Another donation came in.

“Oh! Right,” Kurt exclaimed, perking up.

Then the car was bathed in a white light. It was so bright that you thought you were being born again. Squinting, you looked up to see that the roof of the car was lined in LED lights.

Your eyes widened.

“Holy shit! That’s cool,” You said in amazement.

You didn’t know cars could come like this. It really did feel like Cash Cab now. You and Kurt should remake Cash Cab. That would be so fun, and definitely a good idea with no flaws.

Kurt looked proud of himself after seeing your reaction.

“Check this out,” He said in anticipation.

Then the car was then bathed in a deep blue. Jesus Christ, it changes colors. It then switched to a warm orange.

“I have- I have never been as impressed with anything as I am right this second,” You said, without lying.

“Thanks,” He said with a small smile.

You’ve noticed that Kurt’s reactions and attitude have been… mild. You think that’s the right word for it at least. Subdued might be better. He doesn’t have his usual energy that he has when you’re around. Is there something wrong? Is he just tired? You aren’t sure.

Oh god, you just remembered that you were worried about him being mad at you earlier... Is he mad at you?

You’re kind of afraid to ask him about it. The last thing you want to do is argue or make him even more upset. You aren’t really in the right headspace to deal with that right now.

Then you’d have to go home and think about him being mad at you for hours before you fall asleep. You’d probably even cry about it, because you’re a pussy. And then Dump Truck would have to come hypnotize you into feeling better again. 

Being sad (almost) by yourself sounded terrible. You usually are, but it doesn’t feel like the right vibe right now…

“Are you taking me home?” You asked, already knowing the answer.

Kurt answered like this wasn’t something odd for you to be confused about, “Yeah, we should be there soon. Uh, do you think you’re going to hurl? Because I’ll pull over if-”

“Do we have to go home?” You asked, not bothering to reassure Kurt that your stomach was fine.

He stopped in the middle of talking and looked at you blankly.

“Uh… Well, where else would you go?” Kurt asked, legitimately confused.

You looked back at him and blinked slowly.

“Your home?”

Kurt must have forgotten how to drive for a moment, because he had to suddenly swerve out of the way from something. He swore under his breath and corrected the car. 

“My home? Why my- why would you want to go to my home?” Kurt asked, completely taken aback by your vague request.

Because you two are best friends? Isn’t that enough of a reason to want to have a sleepover at Kurt’s house? You were going to film a stupid video together tomorrow anyway.

And being alone just sucks overall.

“Because, I want to be with you,” You said, which is a super simplified version of the thoughts you just had.

“Uh…” Kurt seemed to have no idea how to respond to that.

“PANSY IS DRUNK CONFESSING! TEAM PANSY CONFESSING FIRST WINS THE BET! SUCK IT, YOU DUMB FUCKS” A donation sounded through the car’s speakers.

That wasn’t meant to be a confession. You were only stating facts. Even with your head spinning like a merry-go-round, you could still think straight.

You began with a lie, “I don’t feel anything for Kurtis Kunkle-”

“It’s, uh, just Kurt-”

“But I would totally suck him off,” You finished truthfully, and then laughed.

Like it was a joke.

Which, it was meant to be.

The entire car was then way too silent while your laughs died down.

You peeked over at Kurt, who was gawking at you. His pupils briefly returned to the road before coming back to you. 

“You… You’d what?” He asked, astonished.

…Is he interested? Okay, maybe your mind isn’t thinking straight, because you have no clue what signals he’s giving you right now.

You have two options… At least, you’re telling yourself that you only have two options. One, laugh it off as the joke it was and pretend that this never happened. Or two, double down and get your man.

“Do the Kurtsies proud, Pansy!” A donation encouraged.

You will, random livestream viewer.

“I said,” You began again, emphasizing the ‘d’ noise, “that I would suck your dick, give you road head, make a sex tape with you, etcetera.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” Kurt said, sounding more sure than he did all night.

You leaned over the center console with a sly smile. You tried to rest your chin on his shoulder, but he was too tall, and you were leaning too far. So, you had to settle with pressing your forehead against his upper arm.

He smelled like marshmallows.

His body stiffened at the contact.

“Are you trying to call my bluff? Because putting my mouth on you has been the only thing I can think about lately,” You said in a way you hoped was sexy… but probably was more messy than anything.

The car stopped. You felt it stop. You smiled wider into his shirt. Holy shit, he’s taking you up on your offer. You’re going to suck Kurt off on stream… Everyone is going to see that… oh shit.

Panic began to set in. You leaned back from Kurt and felt a little sick from the sudden motion. You looked at him with wide eyes. He looked back at you, unamused, with his hand covering his mouth briefly.

“I, um, look, you’re drunk. And you’re someone- you’re my friend. I think that would be, uh, taking advantage of you,” Kurt said firmly, but still fumbling with his words.

You swear his cheeks were getting red.

You took a moment to fully comprehend his words. He didn’t stop the car to take you up on your offer. He stopped the car to get you to behave yourself.

That’s really embarrassing on your part. Now your face is getting even redder than it had been too. 

After a tense silence, Kurt turned to his camera with a smile.

“Okay guys, I’m going to end the stream now. I know it’s still a little early, but I- Pansy should get to bed. Um, okay. Bye, guys,” He said with a peace sign, before taking his phone off of the stand and presumably, turning the stream off.

You felt like crying now and stared blankly at the floor of the car.

“I’m sorry I made you end your stream,” You said guiltily, which was the first thing that came to your mind.

Kurt looked at you curiously.

“You didn’t make me end my stream. We just- we’re home, like you wanted,” He explained.

Looking outside, you could see that Kurt parked his Prius in front of a one-story house. It looked… more normal than you expected for Kurt. 

“Oh.”

The LED lights in the car shut off along with the car itself. Kurt got out of the car, and you watched him as he moved to the front of the car and paused. He looked back into the car. Then, he walked to your side of the car and opened the door.

“Do you… want to get out of the car?” Kurt asked, seemingly afraid to tell you to get out of the car.

“I guess so,” You said and stepped out of the car.

Immediately, you felt like you were in another dimension. Gravity felt different outside and it was warmer than the car.

Kurt surprised you by taking your hand in his, leading you towards his house. It felt nice, comforting, and fuzzy. Not at all like the stabbing sensation you got when Flora grabbed your hand at the bar.

“Frankie, Dumpy, and Lasagny are going to miss me tonight,” You whined on the way to the house.

“Lasagny?” Kurt asked idly as he let go of your hand to unlock the door.

You instantly missed the weight of his hand holding yours.

“The other two have nicknames,” You simply said.

Kurt hummed in affirmation. Then the door was open and, to your delight, he took your hand again. Once inside, he stood somewhat awkwardly with you in the middle of the living room. But, he was still holding your hand. That’s all that mattered to you.

The living room looked cozy, like something your grandmother would have for her living room. 

“I’ll uh, show you to my mom’s room,” Kurt said, and took a step forward.

You didn’t move with him, instead standing in place firmly. Kurt stopped, stumbling backwards because he was still connected to your hand. He looked at you in question.

“Kurt, I don’t want to sleep in a missing woman’s bed,” You said.

His mouth thinned into a line and he looked around the living room in thought.

“Um,” He said unhelpfully.

“Can I sleep in your bed?”

He froze in place, then he looked back at you in surprise.

“With me?”

“I… figured you’d be more comfortable in your mom’s bed than I would be,” You explained.

You actually didn’t mean to imply that you wanted to sleep together in the same bed. You might have been stupidly horny minutes ago, but you’re over that. You’ve grown. You’re a changed person now.

Kurt snorted a laugh and began to lead you down a hallway to somewhere in the house. The more of the house you saw, the more obvious it was that he lived with his mom.

“It’s similar- like what you said. I don’t want to sleep in a dead woman’s bed,” He said nonchalantly.

What?

“...I didn’t say dead. I said missing,” You corrected in mild concern.

You knew you were on the verge of blacking out, but you knew you didn’t say “dead”.

He stopped right outside of a door and turned towards you. He looked… nervous? His eyes were wide, pupils a little dilated too. Was he actually scared?

Oh, shit.

“Kurt…” You said cautiously while looking up at him.

His grip on your hand tightened. You made sure you were looking into his eyes.

“You can’t lose hope for your mom already. I’m sure they’ll find her,” You said in a way you hoped was comforting.

It must have been, because he released a deep breath he must have been holding. You give him a small smile. He smiled back, relief overtook his features.

You continued, feeling more confident, “And if they do find her, and she's dead, I’ll help you out in any way I can. I promise.”

Kurt then let go of your hand. You were about to complain at the loss of contact, but then he wrapped his arm around your back until he was gripping your other arm. He pulled you into a side hug. 

You were momentarily shocked at the new, more intense contact. Then you relaxed right into it and pressed against him further with another smile. He rubbed your arm gently.

“...Thank you,” Kurt muttered, uncharacteristically serious.

Feeling intense affection for the man, you said, “I’d do anything for you Kurt, even die.”

It was a joke, but Kurt didn’t seem to think so. He stiffened against you before leaning his head down to press his forehead on top of yours. 

“Don’t- Don’t say that,” He scolded weakly.

You might have been hallucinating just then, but you really thought he gently pressed his lips to your temple.

“Did you just-”

He cut you off by letting you go and opened the door in front of you two. You two entered what was most definitely his bedroom. It smelled like a mismatch of different fruity vapes. The décor was… interesting. Your favorite part was probably his bed just being a mattress flat on the floor. The mattress, which happened to be right next to the expensive gaming PC.

Kurt ushered you over to the mattress until you flopped onto it. Wow, you almost forgot how fucking tired you were. You smothered your face into his pillow without thinking. It was soft… and smelled slightly like sweat.

It’s gross that it didn’t bother you.

Kurt sat clumsily on the edge of the bed.

“Do you… want a room tour?” Kurt offered awkwardly.

You already felt like you were drifting to sleep. It was like you were being fed anesthesia before surgery. 

“In the morning,” You mumbled and turned your head so you wouldn’t suffocate yourself in his pillow.

Your eyes closed. Kurt didn’t say anything else.

His hand moved to lightly touch your back. He rubbed it soothingly. It only made you sleepier.

Slurring, you noted, “You’ve been… so weird tonight. Just… not you… you know?” 

Kurt’s hand stopped on your back, but he didn’t remove it.

“I’m okay. Drunk people make me feel… uh, I don’t know…” Kurt failed to really explain.

You understood anyway. Being around drunk people made him uncomfortable. And well… you’re drunk. It definitely didn’t help that you came onto him.

Frowning and snuggling deeper into the pillow, you said, “I’m sorry.”

His hand began rubbing again. You smiled.

“It’s okay. I like you,” He said softly.

You felt butterflies in your stomach again.

“I like you too… I like you a lot, actually,” You replied drowsily.

Wordlessly, his hand left your back. Then you felt him take one of your hands in his again. He rubbed the back of your hand with his thumb.

You could almost convince yourself that maybe he felt something for you too.

The last thought you had before you fell asleep was that he could have gotten a lot of views if he kept streaming when you got out of the car. He could have milked it for all it was worth. It’s weird that he didn’t do any of that.

Chapter Text

The first thing you noticed when you regained consciousness was that your mouth was incredibly dry. It was dry and it tasted like death. Oh yeah, idiot, you went out drinking with your coworkers last night. Your coworkers which…

Shit, all they did was ask about Kurt. And you gave them every answer they asked for, because of the mixture of alcohol loosening your tongue and fear of rejection. You also might have told them that you had a massive crush on Kurt. That’s embarrassing.

Your eyes blinked open and you squinted at your surroundings. There was hardly any light in the room, but what little there was still hurt your eyes.

Your heart began to race when you were momentarily confused about where you were. You calmed down a second later when you remembered that Kurt drove you to his house.

Your heart began to race again and you sat up quickly. It took all of your very low mental energy to keep yourself from getting a panic attack.

You were shitfaced wasted on Kurt’s stream. The stream where you begged Kurt to take you to his home and told him you would suck him off in front of thousands of people. You were so embarrassing that even Kurt had to tell you to stop. 

The nausea is kicking in now. Your hand went over your mouth to try and stop yourself from puking right there. After a few seconds of deep breathing with your eyes closed, you believed that you successfully fought off puking. Your eyes opened again.

To ground yourself, you looked around to take in the details of your current surroundings. You were on a mattress on the floor. You almost forgot that Kurt didn’t have an actual bed. Despite the waves of nausea and the headache forming, it was comfortable. The sheets were soft and the room was pleasantly cold from an air conditioner in one of the windows.

You jumped a little when you noticed the figure hunched over the computer desk. When your eyes focus again, you can see that it’s Kurt. You can’t see his face from this angle, but you recognize that greasy head of hair anywhere. His head is resting over his crossed arms. He fell asleep at the desk.

You have a vague memory of him sitting with you on the bed while you fell asleep. Maybe you should have told him it was alright if he slept beside you… It would be more than alright if he slept beside you. Stop. Not the time.

Oh fuck, a pretty big wave of nausea is building up in your throat. 

You threw the covers up and got up, your head swam and you lost your vision for a second. But that didn’t stop you from moving to the door and throwing it open. You had no fucking idea where this guy’s bathroom was.

The first door you tried led to a different bedroom. You guessed it was his mom’s room. You ignored it and opened the next door, successfully finding the bathroom. You thanked every deity that you could think of as you stumbled to the ground in front of the toilet.

The cold tile felt good against your legs once the pain of your hard landing passed. For what felt like an hour, but was really about five minutes, you expelled everything in your stomach. When you were pretty sure you were done, you groaned and flushed the toilet. Your head fell forward and you pressed your forehead against the cool porcelain of the toilet bowl.

You whipped your head back up when you felt something touch your back. Looking behind you, you saw that Kurt is standing there, frowning, with his hand on your back.

Realizing you aren’t about to be murdered, you let your head fall again. Kurt’s hand gently rubbed along your spine.

“Uh, do you think you’re going to make it?” Kurt asked, making a joke, but still sounding concerned.

You groaned again, hoping he’d take that as an answer.

Kurt said your name softer than his previous sentence, trying to coax a real answer out of you.

Instead of doing that, you instead said, voice hoarse, “Can you do me a favor, and forget every single thing I told you last night?”

“Hmm… No,” Kurt said, smile audibly in his tone.

“Asshole,” You muttered in response.

You’re silently hoping that he has the decency to not ever bring up the blowjob offer. Anything else, you don’t care about, just not that. You’re cringing just thinking about it. You know there are clips of it being shared like crazy right now.

“Did you mean it- what you said last night?” Kurt asked somewhat quietly.

God fucking-

You sat back up and whipped your head back to look at him with a scowl.

“I’m not going to give you a fucking blowjob, Kurt. Forget about it. I’m serious,” You said as seriously as you could right after vomiting.

Kurt looked at you with wide eyes, mouth slightly agape. He closed his mouth again.

“I meant the, uh, the part where you told me that you liked me a lot,” He said.

Your face fell at the realization. Good job. He wasn’t even going to bring up the blowjob. You did that on your own. You felt your face getting red, it made your headache pulse even more painfully.

“Oh… Uh, yeah,” You replied, hoping he took it platonically.

If you revealed your crush on Kurt right after hurling into his missing mother’s toilet, that would be the least romantic thing to ever happen to anyone. 

Kurt looked surprised by this, then he nodded in understanding.

“I just… I didn’t think that you actually liked being around me,” Kurt said before sitting on the floor next to the bathtub. 

You gave Kurt a look to tell him that he was stupid. Then you maneuvered your body so that you were sitting facing him, but still next to the toilet just in case. Hopefully he couldn’t smell the vomit on your breath… Maybe you could use his mouthwash.

“Kurt, we’re friends,” You started, “I wouldn’t be friends with someone I didn’t like to be around.”

He gave you a look that you couldn’t really decipher from him. Did he not believe you? What’s with the look?

He opened his mouth to speak but then he jumped when a sound rang out from outside of the bathroom. It sounded like a door slam.

Then, “Hey, Kurt! Where the hell are you?”

The voice belonged to that of a guy.

Kurt then gave you a look and swore under his breath. His mood immediately soured by the looks of his scowl.

“Stay here… Please,” Kurt said before promptly standing and leaving the bathroom before you could question him, the door shutting behind him.

Okay. Odd. But, odd is normal for Kurt.

After a few seconds of making sure you weren’t going to puke again, you stood and leaned over the sink. After looking up, you saw yourself in the mirror. Your hair is a mess and your eyes are red. You halfheartedly fixed your hair before taking a swig of Kurt’s mouthwash. You guess that Kurt wouldn’t care.

You listened carefully to see if you could hear anything outside of the bathroom door. There were muffled voices speaking, but you couldn’t make out any of the words.

You weighed your options. Kurt asked you not to leave the bathroom, but you had no idea how long the mysterious visitor would be here. And Kurt didn’t seem anxious or fearful when the person barged in.

So, you walked out of the bathroom, squinting at the sunlight that shone through the living room windows. There, you saw Kurt, who turned to look at you, still looking irritated. You also saw an older-looking man, but the man was dressed like he was Kurt’s age. Is he? Please, no-

“Kurt… Who’s this? You didn’t tell me you had someone over. You never have anyone here. Did you actually find someone?” The guy asked while looking at you like he wasn’t sure if you were real, his voice slurring very slightly.

“Dad, fuck, just get out of here, already! You’re being an annoying asshole,” Kurt snapped at the man.

Of course he is. Of course, that guy is Kurt’s father.

Kurt’s dad stared at you a little too long, then gave a drunken, sloppy grin like you were some kind of prize Kurt picked up. Real charming guy, you could tell.

“You’re cuter than I thought you’d be,” he said.

You blinked. Awesome.

“Excuse me?” you asked, face falling into a painfully unamused look.

Kurt’s head snapped toward his father, already fuming.

“Don’t fucking talk to them like that,” he growled.

You haven't seen this kind of aggression from Kurt before. It was kind of hot? No, no it wasn't. You're just a mess. Reel it in, you hungover, lonely piece of shit.

“Relax, Kurt. I’m just surprised you actually brought someone home for once. That's a big deal for you.”

You could tell Kurt was trying very hard not to start something. His shoulders were tense, jaw clenched so hard it could crack. You understand why. His father was speaking to him like he was a toddler.

“Just go, Dad,” Kurt said again, his voice strained and lower pitched.

His dad scoffed, lifting both arms in exaggerated defense. “Fine, fine. Don’t let your old man say hi to your friend . Didn’t know I was interrupting some post-hookup breakfast or whatever the hell this is.”

You winced like you’d been hit. Kurt went still.

His father didn't seem to notice your reaction in his drunken state, but he was clearly still enjoying the idea of Kurt having someone over.

You're starting to understand why Kurt is uncomfortable around drunk people.

“You know, Kurt, if I’d known that you were finally being normal-”

That’s when Kurt grabbed him by the front of the shirt and shoved him backwards. You really didn't expect that from Kurt. It's telling how your first thought was that you hoped police wouldn't come because someone heard this domestic disturbance. You and Kurt's fans would probably have a field day.

Kurt and Pansy: involved with the police once again.

You wonder if your pathetic asses are famous enough to be on TMZ.

“Get the fuck out!” Kurt shouted in a voice you hardly recognized.

His dad stumbled, knocking over a folding table with a metallic clanging noise. He got up surprisingly quickly for a drunk man.

For a second, you thought he might shove Kurt back, but then he just laughed. Like it was all a funny joke.

“Jesus. You’re even more fucked up than your mother.”

Ouch.

The words landed like a punch. You saw Kurt flinch. His father backed toward the front door, still smirking. When he reached it, he called over his shoulder, “Don't scare this one away, Kurt. Tell your mom to call me whenever she shows up again.”

The door slammed shut.

Silence followed. You stared at the floor, unsure what to say. Your stomach was still aching from vomiting and your skin crawled from secondhand embarrassment.

You heard Kurt exhale shakily. When you looked at him, his face showed an expression of equal discomfort, like he was trying not to punch something or scream or both.

“He’s… charming,” you said sarcastically, hoping and failing to lighten the mood.

Kurt let out a bitter laugh, one without humor. “Yeah. He’s always like that. Sorry- I'm sorry you had to see that.”

You wanted to tell him it was okay, but it wasn’t. You weren’t okay physically, and he clearly wasn’t okay emotionally. Instead, you walked past him and sat down on the couch in the middle of the room.

You didn’t look at him when you said, “Thanks for picking me up last night," hoping to get attention away from the even more awkward moment with your own.

Kurt didn’t say anything for a second. Then he sat next to you, just… there.

You were both quiet. For once, no donations interrupted your thoughts. No robotic voice chirped through the silence. It was weird spending a moment with him that was truly alone. Not in a car, on the side of the road somewhere, or in your front lawn, but in his house, quiet, with only the sound of a clock ticking from somewhere. The silence only made your thoughts louder, unhelpfully reminding you of last night once again.

You collapsed backward onto the back cushions of the couch, covering your face with your forearm. “Fuck. I want to die.”

Vague suicidal ideation was a good conversation starter, right?

“Don’t,” he said, voice quiet but firm, like you were serious.

You peeked at him, then responded as if you were, “Why not?”

He opened his mouth, closed it, then settled on, “Because I’d miss you.”

Your heart stuttered. You sat up, studying his face, trying to figure out if he was just saying that because of the shitty streams. But Kurt looked deadly serious. No grin. No peace signs or performative voices. Just… Kurt. Is this the real Kurt? You knew he cared…

Your intrusive thoughts told you he was manipulating you to keep you around. But your heart ached for more.

It’s too early, and you’re too hungover for this.

“You’d miss me?” you echoed.

He nodded. “Yeah. Even if you don’t want to stream a lot or if you hate my music. I’d still want to see you... I was reading comments about us all last night, but to be honest, I couldn't sleep because I wanted to make sure you were okay. I cared about that more than what the- what our fans had to say. I don’t even remember any of the comments I read.

How was it this moment that Kurt didn't stutter (too much) or fuck up? You felt something in you flip, and your face felt warmer than before. Either you're down bad, or Kurt is actually saying the right things for once. Maybe it's both. It's probably both.

You blinked slowly and spoke, trying not to make it obvious that this loser was making you swoon, “That’s… weirdly sweet.”

“I’m, uh, a weirdly sweet guy, I guess,” He replied with an expression you saw on him only on occasions.

Usually when he's looking at you... or at you through a screen.

You smiled despite yourself.

“Still not giving you a blowjob,” You said, not allowing the moment to get too serious.

You don't know if you could handle it if it got too serious. You're already struggling and the nausea is only part of it.

Kurt held up his hands defensively and laughed in that awkward way he does before replying jokingly, “Understood. Noted. No pressure.”

The two of you stared at each other for a long awkward silence. That seems to be one of his and your specialties.

Then, as casually as you could manage, you asked, “Do you still want me to play video games with you and what's-his-face Wednesday?”

You knew his name was Bobby, but for some reason, you pretended you didn't know.

Kurt’s expression shifted into something excited, the content creator coming out of him like usual.

You changed the subject because the noticeable shift in your dynamic was beginning to scare you for some reason. How could you want more, but also crave the comfort of familiarity?

“Yeah! I was hoping you wouldn't change your mind after, uh, all of that,” He trailed off awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I guess I made you a promise,” You replied casually, with a slight teasing tone to it.

You made no such promise, but you knew it would make Kurt happy if you put up with him and his asshole younger collaborator .

Another awkward silence.

“Hey,” he said, suddenly and seeming more hesitant, “Hey, can I, uh, show you something?”

“…Something?” You asked for clarification.

“It’s a video. It’s- It's not for the stream or YouTube. Just something I’ve been working on. For you.”

What the fuck?

Your brain stopped for a second; it’s been doing that a lot lately. You searched his face, unsure if he was messing with you again. But he looked genuinely nervous. Is this real? Are you dreaming? The Kurt Kunkle, Kurtsworld96 made a video. For you, privately? Not for clout?

“…Okay,” you said softly, unsure.

He stood up, extended a hand to help you to your feet, which you didn't realize you needed until the dizziness struck you again when you got up. His hand tingles in yours, but not in the uncomfortable way Flora’s did last night. Or like anyone else, really. Kurt made you feel different and you didn’t mind being touched by him so casually.

And in that moment, nauseous, sleep-deprived, and still wanting to die over last night, you realized something awful and terrifying, yet disgustingly beautiful.

You really, really liked Kurt Kunkle. It's not just a shitty crush.

You were so fucked. Maybe the video will be so terrible that you'll come to your senses.

...You know you won't though.

Kurt’s hand wrapped around yours with no hesitation, helping you to your feet. It wasn’t romantic, but the moment he did it, you felt your knees almost give out again.

Because this was real. This was real, and Kurt was real, and whatever this thing was between you two and this ongoing saga of terrible decisions, it was happening.

He led you back to the bedroom. The computer monitor glowed, casting a soft blue light across the messy desk. Empty vape cartridges, fast food wrappers, and an embarrassing amount of energy drink cans framed the monitor like some kind of shrine to sleeplessness and cringe.

Kurt clicked an mp4 file titled: The Reason, and the video started.

You prepared yourself to want to puke. You prepared for something awful. Something maybe even worse than the time he said "mouthfeel" with a straight face on stream. How could you not with a title like that?

But it wasn’t that. It wasn’t even close.

The screen faded from black. The first thing you heard was the sound of his voice, narrating.

"There’s this person I know. They’re kind of amazing."

Your face flushed immediately. You glanced at Kurt, but he wouldn’t meet your eyes. He was focused on the screen.

The video cut to various clips of you. At first, they were seemingly random: you sitting in the passenger seat, laughing at something he said, yelling at him during one of his many idiotic stunts. Then it shifted to quieter moments; ones you didn’t realize had been caught on camera.

You falling asleep in the car after a long shift, You holding the kittens, You fixing your hair in the side mirror while thinking no one was watching, and so on.

You were watching yourself exist.

It was like looking through someone else’s eyes. Someone who noticed you more than you noticed yourself. Someone who… maybe cared more than you ever let yourself believe.

The narration continued. It wasn’t poetic or polished. It was awkward. Hesitant. He repeated himself more than once. But the sentiment was there.

"They make my life better. Like, a lot better. I know they think I’m just using them for content, but that’s not true. Not anymore. I mean, maybe it started that way. But now I just- I want them around. Even if I couldn’t stream ever again, I’d still want them here. Just, you know, existing. Being in my world. My Kurtsworld... sorry. They would think that joke was so lame."

You were going to cry.

You were not going to cry. You wouldn't let yourself do that again.

Kurt had shown you a video that basically screamed "I like you" in the most awkward, nerdy way imaginable, and all you could think about was how your breath felt shallow and your chest too tight.

All of the clips were centered on you. Your smiles and laughter, your quirks and little habits. Behaviors you haven’t noticed, but Kurt did. Fuck, even the way he looks at you in those clips. It was like an awakening in your brain.

”You’re more than a collaborator,” Kurt’s clumsy narration continued, “You’re the best twenty minutes of my day. Every day.” 

The video ended after a few clips of the two of you looking at each other and laughing with a black screen and text that said: “for Pansy.”

You snorted, despite yourself and asked, "You seriously called me Pansy in a weird love letter?"

Kurt blinked at you before answering, "It’s your nickname."

"It’s an insult."

"No, it’s not. Not when I say it. When I say it, it means you’re soft. In a good way. Like- like emotionally. Not physically. Physically you could probably kick my ass."

You shook your head and muttered, "Jesus Christ."

The banter was good. It helped distract you from the Earth-shattering revelation that maybe the view-obsessed freak liked you too.

He looked nervous again. Fidgeting with the sleeve of his hoodie before asking, "Did you, uh, did you hate it?"

You hesitated.

"No," you then said after a tense silence.

And then for good measure, "I didn’t hate it."

His eyes lit up like and he honestly looked proud.

Then he immediately tried to play it cool. Leaning back in the gaming chair, spinning it slightly like he hadn’t just bared his weird little soul to you.

"Uh, yeah, I just thought, you know, maybe you’d like it. It’s on YouTube and it’s unlisted. Only you can see it if I give you the link to it."

You gave him a long look before asking skeptically, "You uploaded a romantic video about me to YouTube?"

He winced, realizing his mistake "I didn’t know it was romantic until like halfway through watching it back. And I won't make it- un-unlist it, promise."

He just admitted that it was romantic. It feels like your brain is melting.

You covered your face with both hands and said, "I’m so tired."

"Do you want to lay back down? I can get you some water. Maybe toast. Or Gatorade if I go to the store. I don’t- I don’t know what hungover people need. I never drink. Except that one time with Bobby's weird friend and he dared me to mix White Claw and-"

"Kurt," you interrupted.

"Yeah?"

"Can you shut up for five minutes and just… sit next to me?"

He nodded, immediately serious.

You returned to the mattress on the floor and laid back down, rolling onto your side to face the wall. You heard Kurt shift around for a few seconds, then felt the mattress dip beside you. Just the feeling alone made you shiver for some reason.

His presence wasn’t calming, but it was comforting at least. There’s a difference.

For a few minutes, the only sounds were just breathing, the hum of the AC running in the window, and the occasional car outside.

Then, very quietly, Kurt said, "I meant it. I meant all of it."

You didn’t respond right away.

Because you believed him. And part of you wanted to punch yourself in the face for believing him.

You finally whispered that thought, "I believe you."

The silence that followed felt heavier, but you didn’t know what it meant yet.

Then you felt it, his pinky finger nudging against yours. You didn’t move your hand away, like an idiot. You closed your eyes, and for the first time since waking up this morning, you didn’t feel like throwing up.

You weren’t sure how long you stayed like that, just lying still with Kurt beside you. Not touching except for the occasional brush of his hand or pinky against yours. Your fingers rested against each other like you both were afraid to actually try holding hands.

You hated how comfortable this all felt. The way your body was relaxing as if this was an average Saturday morning. Your head stopped spinning, not from the hangover fading, but from something safer. Something more dangerous.

You felt safe with him. It was safe with Kurt. Which could probably qualify you for a spot in the nearest psych ward.

You rolled slightly onto your back and groaned out, “Are you gonna lay here all day or are you going to entertain your viewers?”

Kurt didn’t laugh, but he huffed a soft breath through his nose. “Nah. Not today. I’m not- I don’t really want to.”

That made you sit up and gawk at him in disbelief before you asked, “Wait, What?”

“Well, we’re here hanging out,” he said, as if that didn’t mean anything. “You said you wanted to, uh, hang out sometime without cameras.”

You stared at him. That wasn't normal Kurt behavior. Maybe Kurt was replaced with an evil clone. 

“You serious?” You asked, blinking through your confusion.

“Yeah,” he said with a shrug. “To be honest, I just wanted today to be real.”

You tried not to react to that word: real . But something in your chest twisted.

“That’s so weird of you,” you muttered.

“You always say I’m weird,” He replied immediately after.

You both stared at each other for a long second. Then you laid back down again and threw an arm over your eyes. You’re losing it. There was a pause. Then-

“I don’t want to be something you start to hate,” Kurt said suddenly, making you feel like you have whiplash as he continued, “The ones who just use people or pretend their entire life.”

You peeked out from under your arm, giving him a look of disbelief as you said, “ You pretend your entire life.”

“I know.” His voice was quieter now. “I just… I thought if I streamed enough, or posted the right video, or got Bobby to shout me out once, I’d feel like I mattered. But it doesn’t feel like that anymore. Not since I met you.”

Oh, fuck, not again. 

It’s getting way too serious again. You sat up too fast and your hangover punished you for it with a sharp pain behind your eyes.

Kurt panicked and moved forward, trying to steady you as if you were seriously injured, his hands hovering over your shoulders like he wasn’t sure he was allowed to touch you.

“I’m fine,” You said quickly, waving him off.

He pulled back but looked at you like you just coughed up blood instead of you having your very temporary pain.

“I didn’t mean to- I’m not trying to pressure you into feeling anything. I just wanted to say it. because it’s true. I was thinking about you all night,” He mentioned again, making you think you were really in a nightmare.

You pressed your fingers firmly against your temple, trying to ease the ache as you muttered, “Kurt-”

“And not in a weird way!” He added quickly, “I mean, yeah, maybe kind of weird, but like, not a perv incel sort of weird. Not like- fuck, I’m screwing this up!”

You reached out, touched his arm, and he shut up instantly. You wish he always shut up that easily.

“Stop,” you said softly. “Please. Just stop talking. I get it, and my head is pounding.”

He blinked at you, eyes wide, ignoring your pain as he asked, “You do?”

You nodded, continuing despite your internal freak-out, “I do. And I don’t know what the hell this thing is between us, but I know you mean it.”

You think maybe you do believe he means it this time.

“I do,” He said instantly, like it wasn’t even an option that he didn’t.

And for a second, you wanted to kiss him. Another irrational thought

You didn’t kiss him. You absolutely didn’t. But your brain shoved the impulse so far in your face that you felt your hands sweat.

Kurt must have seen something in your expression, because he had that confused look on his face. His mouth opened slightly, like he was going to say something else, but the moment passed. You pulled away and stood up again, brushing off your jeans.

“Water,” you muttered uselessly, “I need water or I’m going to die for real this time.”

He scrambled up like he took the request very seriously before saying, “Yeah! Yeah okay, uh, there’s a pack of bottles in the fridge, not the ones from the car, by the way. Or maybe I could make you tea?”

You looked at him, a little stunned. First of all, why would he think you’d think they were the water bottles from your first stupid ride together? Second of all,

“You know how to make tea?”

“Sort of?”

You didn’t risk having shit tea, “Water’s fine.”

He nodded, then moved quickly toward the kitchen. You followed much more slowly, pausing in the hallway to glance back into the bedroom to see the video he played on the end screen on the monitor. That stupid video was still playing in your head. The narration, the clips, the title, the ending…

"For Pansy."

Fuck.

What were you even doing here? Why did this feel like the most real thing you've had in years? More than any of your past relationships…

You sat down at the kitchen table. He returned a moment later with a bottle of water and a sad little pack of saltines that probably expired months ago.

“For your stomach,” He offered with a smile.

You took them without a word. The first sip of water made you sigh. It was painfully cold and perfect.

He sat across from you and watched you drink like the freak he was. You weren’t even phased by it this time.

The silence stretched and it wasn’t really uncomfortable, but it wasn’t comfortable either. How could you be comfortable with all of the fucking bombshells that were dropped right onto your lap?

Then Kurt, in a whisper, said, “Would it be okay if I… took a picture of you?”

Your eyes snapped up, and you gave Kurt an unamused look. That was an even freakier request than normal.

“What?”

Kurt held up his hands like he was afraid you were going to scream before he said, “Just for me. Not for the fans. Not even for the Discord. Just for me. You look, uh, I don’t know. Like yourself right now.”

You stared at him. He was smiling nervously. How the fuck were you supposed to form coherent thoughts this morning? Especially when Kurt is saying stuff like this?

“There’s a Discord?” You asked dumbly

“Well… Yeah. Every fanbase usually- you know, has a Discord,” He explained as if you were never on the internet.

You don’t ask about the potential horrors of your “fanbase’s” Discord. Instead, you just say in defeat, “Sure.”

He blinked and asked, “Seriously?”

“Don’t be weird about it.”

He pulled out his phone like it was sacred and took a single photo. Just… of you. You truly had no idea what the fuck he was going to do with it. You watched him lower the phone and tuck it back into his pocket.

“You better not post that. I look like a mess,” Then after a beat you added, “And you better not jerk off to it either.”

You don’t know why you added that. It certainly didn’t ease any tension.

He made a face. “I wouldn’t- I’m not going to jerk off to it.”

You smirked, and replied with a more playful tone, “I’m serious. I’ll kill you.”

“I believe you.”

“Good.”

You chewed on another expired saltine cracker.

“So,” you said eventually, “do you want to talk about what happened with your dad? Or do we pretend it didn’t happen?”

Kurt’s shoulders tensed immediately before he scoffed and looked away, “I don’t really know how- I don’t know what there is to say. He’s a drunk, washed up, DJ. He shows up sometimes to ask for something and then he leaves. That’s been the routine for a while.”

You frowned before muttering, “Sorry your dad is a dick.”

“It’s fine.”

You leaned your elbows on the table, resting your chin in your hand. Then you said, “My dad is too, but don’t listen to his stupid bullshit.”

He looked at you with an expression you didn’t entirely recognize.

“I think you’re deeply annoying, and sometimes you make me want to gouge my eyes out, but you’re not what he says you are.”

The smallest smile broke on his face as he said, “Thanks… I think.”

Then, like he couldn’t help himself, he added with a more hopeful tone, “You really mean that?”

You nodded. And that’s when he got up and walked to the other side of the table. You didn’t know what he was doing until he sat down in the chair beside yours. He was close enough to touch you. Close enough that you felt the warmth of his knee brushing yours.

And he didn’t say anything else. Neither did you, but you didn’t need to.

Not this time.

You stared at your saltine cracker like how Kurt stared at the floor back when he was showing you the video. The moment had become too quiet again. It was the kind of silence that isn’t peaceful. It’s the kind that feels like you’re teetering on the edge of something dumb.

Kurt shifted beside you. Then shifted again. He was the least subtle person on the planet.

Then he let out a noise like he was trying to get your attention, but chickened out at the last second. It came out like a sigh and a yawn at the same time. It was even less subtle.

“...You okay?” you asked, without looking at him.

“I’m good. Yeah. Totally fine. Great,” he said, sounding like none of those things. “Just thinking.”

You popped a cracker in your mouth and joked, “Sounds dangerous.”

“I’m capable of deep thought sometimes,” He defended with a half-pout.

You looked at him out of the corner of your eye, and asked, still joking “Are you?”

He smiled awkwardly and bumped his shoulder into yours. It was a small thing, but it felt catastrophically intimate.

You blinked and looked down at the now mostly-empty water bottle in your hand. You were doing a terrible job at pretending to be unbothered. So was Kurt.

Kurt took a breath like he was building up to something. He then immediately lost steam and leaned forward on the table, putting his face in his palms. You could feel the thick tension between you two.

“I, um. This is harder than I thought.”

“What is?” You ask, tilting your head.

“Talking to you. Uh, Normally.”

“That’s flattering,” You reply sarcastically.

“No! I just mean, like, when there’s not a camera, and I’m not, you know, in Spree mode or whatever. When I’m just being Kurt.”

You glanced at him, eyeing him as you say with a little less sarcasm, “So this is Kurt. Just Kurt.”

He nodded and replied softly, “I guess.”

You shifted in your seat anxiously, fidgeting with the empty wrapper on the saltines. The air between you felt charged. Like a terrible confession was looming. Like someone was about to pull out a gun. Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but still.

“Okay. So, Kurt,” You said, mostly to break the tension, “What are you trying to spit out?”

He groaned into his hands, “I don’t know.”

“Cool. Very helpful.”

“Wait, I do. I mean, I, God. Okay,” He stumbled verbally through his thoughts.

He sat up suddenly and turned toward you, knees bumping yours more prominently now. His eyes were wild in a way that would make you nervous if you didn’t foolishly trust this man.

“I like you,” He said, too loud and fast. “Like, I know that’s not shocking? But I like you. A lot. And not for content. I mean, it was for content, maybe, kind of, like, it started that way, like I said, but then it wasn’t. And then it really, really wasn’t. And now I think I maybe like you so much that it’s making me dumber.”

You blinked. Your mouth opened. Then closed. Then opened again. You knew it was coming, even if you didn’t want to admit it, but… holy fuck. You’re pretty sure your pulse stopped.

“…What?”

Kurt visibly winced. “Oh God. I knew this would come out wrong. Forget I said-”

“No, no, no! Hang on,” You said desperately before you could even form a coherent thought, heart thudding almost violently beneath your ribs. “You can’t just drop a fucked-up love confession and then ‘forget I said that’ your way out of it!”

Thank fuck this trainwreck wasn’t being streamed right now. Little miracles.

His hands hovered near his hair like he was about to tear it out in his nerves.

“I knew I was gonna mess this up. I always mess this kind of thing up.”

“How many times have you confessed your feelings like this?”

“Uh, none. This is new territory for me.”

You breathed out, chest tightening with something that was not dread, surprisingly. You weren’t ready for this. But also… maybe you were. If not, when else would you be?

“I…” you started. “I don’t know what to say to that.”

“That’s okay,” he said too quickly, trying to smooth things over, “You don’t have to say anything. Or you can punch me. Or call me a freak. Or-”

You leaned forward and pressed your lips against his. Way to go, tiger.

It wasn’t smooth. It wasn’t romantic or sexy. It wasn’t a movie kiss. Your teeth clicked and it hurt a little. His hand twitched like he wasn’t sure whether to touch you or die on the spot.

But it was real.

And it was you.

And him.

And when you pulled back, his eyes were huge. You couldn’t tell, but yours probably were too.

“Holy shit,” he whispered.

Your face was hot enough that you think you might throw up again. This was the wrong morning to be doing this bullshit. But that fits you two, doesn’t it? An inconvenient mess. 

“That was probably a bad idea,” You muttered, mostly to yourself.

“No. No. That was the best idea. Ever. In the history of ideas,” Kurt says, in his on-brand Kurt way.

You bit the inside of your cheek, trying to keep yourself from smiling like a dork as you say, “Don’t make it weird.”

“I literally can’t help that,” He replied, and you believed that.

You stared at him, unsure if you’d just made the best decision of your life or the absolute worst. With Kurt, it could be either or both at the same time.

Kurt was silent for a second. Then, cautiously, he reached out and held your hand.

It was clammy. So was yours. Neither of you said anything about it.

“I think I might like you too… Not just in the cringe way. In the actual way. Like, stupid romantic movie levels of bullshit,” You said, always knowing how to be romantic.

Kurt’s face broke into a smile so wide you thought he might combust. 

Then he asked the extremely awkward question that was, “So… we’re dating now?”

“No,” You said immediately before you could think, “Christ, No.”

“Oh. Okay. Right. No. Yeah. I get it.”

You fixed it quickly as you squeezed his hand once, “We’re… figuring it out. You and me. Whatever this is.”

His face lit up again like a switch was flipped, “Cool. Cool cool cool. That’s- Well, it’s so much better than a straight-up no, right?”

Then he paused.

“Can I kiss you again?”

You looked at him. Whatever.

This time, it was slower. Still awkward and still very Kurt. But, he leaned in gently, and when your lips met again, it felt less like a crash and more like falling into something familiar. Dangerous. But familiar despite this only being the second kiss you’ve shared between you.

You pulled away first, forehead against his.

“We’re so fucked,” You whispered, once again, a comment to yourself.

Kurt beamed as if you didn’t just insult them both before asking, “Yeah. But like… in a romantic way, right, Pansy?”

You groaned and shoved his shoulder. He laughed and didn’t let go of your hand.

You know this is going to be a wreck and Kurt will probably spill it to his fans immediately, but for now…

You were in a sanctuary of no cameras and awkward exploration. With Kurt Kunkle. Your… something.