Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Sorry to give this to you on my way out of town,” Sonny told Olivia as he handed her a file folder.  “We just thought better now than later, is all.”

Olivia sat in her chair and opened the folder, smiling as she skimmed its contents.  “Well, I guess this explains why my ADA and my detective are both going to be on vacation at the same time,” she replied, then closed the file and laid it in a stack on her desk.  “Congratulations, Carisi.  I’m truly happy for you and Barba.”

“Are you?” Sonny asked uncertainly.  “I know how close you and Barba are–”

“Which is exactly why I AM happy for both of you,” she interrupted him, motioning to the chair he was standing in front of.  He sat down.  “Listen, I know things were…I don’t know, confusing for a while between Barba and me.  But we talked a few months back and got clear with one another.  He knows I wish him nothing but the best in all his relationships.  And between you and me, Sonny–” She leaned across her desk further, gazing at him, “--Rafael shared his feelings for you with me.  I know  he cares very much about you, and I also know that means something, coming from him.  He’s very…reticent to trust.”  Her face seemed to relax again.  “You make him happy, and it’s shown in his work here.  That’s something we can all thank you for.”

At that, Sonny chuckled.  “Well, I don’t know that I can take credit for somethin’ like that, Lieu,” he admitted, flushing slightly.  “Especially seein’ as he’s not been as honest with any of us as he shoulda been.  But we care about one another…it’s a good fit so far, for both of us.  Guess we’ll see how it goes next week at the lake.”  He began to stand, but she stopped him.

“One more thing, Carisi, before you go…” she started, and he lowered himself back in the chair.  “How are you doing with Mike’s passing?  You’ve had a lot on  you these past few weeks, between Barba needing a detail and Dodds’ death.  I’m concerned about you.”  She paused, then turned her gaze to her hands, fingers entwined on her desk.  “I know I should’ve spoken to you before now.  I’ve been struggling a bit myself, and…well, I’ll try to do better as we move forward.”  She looked up at him.  “Are you sleeping okay?  Eating?  Having any unusual anxiety or hypervigilance?”

He snorted softly.  “What, did you memorize the entire questionnaire or somethin’?  Nah, Lieu…I’m good.  Trust me, I got lots of people I can talk to, including my bonehead boyfriend who’s now reaping the rewards of hiding the truth from all of us.  Sure, I miss Mike.  We all do, but it’s part of the job.”  Shifting uncomfortably in his seat, he added, “Not a day’s gone by that I haven’t made sure Barba gets a nice long chance to think about that.  Somehow, he’s still talkin’ to me, though.”

At that, Liv smiled.  “Well, honestly, I’m glad the two of you are getting out of town together for a couple weeks.  I know they dropped the detail at the end of last week, and there haven’t been any more threats, but I personally feel better knowing he’s going to be out of town and with someone who knows how to apprehend a criminal, should the need arise.”

Sonny nodded.  “Me too.  And hopefully, this whole thing has blown over.  The thought of losing him just–”  He stopped suddenly, then shook his head.  “I can’t think about it.  Too awful to contemplate.”

When he glanced at her next, she was nodding.  “You guys have a safe trip, and I’ll get your disclosure forms filed on Monday.  Remember, I’m leaving for Paris–”

“On the Thursday before we come back,” Sonny interrupted, grinning at her.  “I remember.  And good for you, gettin’ a break from here, too, Lieu.  So I guess I’ll see you in about a month.”

“You will,” she promised.  “Tell Barba I said to behave.”

“Trust me,” Sonny replied with a laugh, “that will NOT be a problem.”

***

Sonny dropped his final bag onto the floor by Rafael’s front door.  “Well, that’s it,” he announced.  “Ready for the morning.”

Rafael smiled sweetly and pressed his front against Sonny’s, hooking his thumbs into Sonny’s back pockets.  “Thank you, Soleado.  It’ll just be easier for us to leave from here in the morning.  I appreciate your help with everything.”

Sonny regarded him, tilting his head.  “You nervous about losing the detail?” he asked.  “You haven’t received any more threats, have you?”

“No, I haven’t,” Rafael replied firmly, removing his hands and standing up straight.  “I told you that I’d let you know if it happened again.  It hasn’t.  You’ve got to trust me, Sonny.”

Crossing his arms, Sonny said, “That would be a lot easier if you hadn’t been lying to all of us for months.”  He saw Rafael’s mouth open in a retort, and he held up his hands.  “Fine, all right?  I don’t want to fight with you, Rafi.  What’s done is done.  Let’s just both try to get past it and enjoy these next two weeks.”

Rafael nodded stiffly.  “All right,” he agreed.  Entering the kitchen and reaching into the cabinet, he pulled out two glasses, then asked, “Wine?”

“Sure.”  Sonny stood awkwardly by the kitchen table as Rafael fetched the wine and poured them each a glass.

The last few weeks had been very much like this, ad nauseum.  Sonny walked around with an intense sense of grief, of fear, of anxiety…all mixed with the love and passion he felt for the man standing nearby.  The irony that Mike Dodds died merely hours after Rafael confessed to him and Rollins that he himself had been receiving death threats was still overwhelming Sonny’s thought processes.  It was as though Dodds’ death had confirmed that this was very much a real possibility for his lover, and Sonny didn’t quite know what to do with that.  He recognized that Rafael managed his own fears by refusing to acknowledge them, and that he’d learned at a very young age to make his verbal threats count–they had to be bigger than the rest of him.  But knowing that Rafael had invited Felipe Heridio to basically come over whenever he felt like it unnerved the detective in a way he still couldn’t put into words.  He wasn’t sure anymore if Rafael was the bravest or stupidest man he’d ever met, but the fact that he was now unwittingly along for the ride just pissed him off to no end.  Rafael knew he loved him, knew they were planning a future, and he still tossed live bait right back at the gang banger.

Sonny had spent the better part of the last week trying to decide if he even wanted to go to Lake George anymore.  Maybe it would be best for them to spend the time apart, and try to decide if their relationship was worth saving.  Or maybe he should just call it quits right now.  After all, Rafael had already shown how willing he was to endanger both of them, hadn’t he?

“What were you THINKING?” Sonny yelled at Rafael, who was sitting on the corner of the bed, watching him.  “Fuck, Rafi!  You know he coulda killed you right then?  Oh, and nevermind that, right?  You’ve invited him over for a fuckin’ party, anytime he and his dumbass gangbangers feel like it!  You do know that I’m here with you most nights, don’t you?  Did it ever occur to you that I might not wanna be shot in my sleep next to you?”

The room was quiet, Sonny’s own harsh breathing the only sound to be heard.  “I’m sorry, Sonny,” Rafael managed after another minute.  “I actually wasn’t thinking at all…other than not to show fear.  When I was a kid, in my neighborhood, if you show fear, they’ve got you.  I just thought if I could let him see I wasn’t afraid, he’d move on…”  His words were quiet, shaky; tears welled in his eyes.  “If I’d have been thinking about you, I never would have said anything.  Protecting you would have been the most important thing I could do.”  His bottom jaw shook slightly.  “I’m sorry I disappointed you.  If you think you’re in danger here, then you need to go home.  I don’t want you to be at risk.”

But he wasn’t at risk–with Heredio locked up, there was no immediate threat, and the chatter they’d been tracking ceased nearly immediately.  Whoever was after Rafael was dropping it for the moment.  And every night since, as Sonny had lain awake in his boyfriend’s bed, Rafael had clung to him in sleep, occasional nightmares distressing them both.  In the end, Sonny had decided he loved Rafael enough to stay for now.  But he had a strong sense that the next couple of weeks might make or break them.  If he couldn’t get over his anger at Rafael, and if Rafael couldn’t seem to trust him with all things important, then they needed to call it a day.  They were both too old to be wasting time in relationships that weren’t going anywhere.  

Especially relationships that caused them worry.

Handing a glass of wine to Sonny, Rafael set the bottle on the table between them and took a seat as well.  They sat in the quiet kitchen, watching the sun set through the windows.  “I love you, Sonny,” Rafael suddenly said quietly.  Sonny glanced at him; Rafael’s eyes were still watching the sun out the window.  “I know you’re angry with me right now, and I get it.”  He paused, then turned to meet Sonny’s gaze.  “Thank you for coming to the lake with me anyway.  I want you to know that my feelings for you, for us, haven’t changed, and I’m going to try my best to show you that.”  Rafael sipped his wine, then finished his thought.  “And I want you to know that you can talk to me, anytime you feel like it, about Mike.  I know you were friends, and this has got to be hard for you.  I’ve thought about him every day, and I didn’t know him like you did.”

Sonny forced a half smile as he slowly spun the base of his glass on the table.  “I just can’t lose you like that, Rafael.  Realizing that I very well could have…that’s the only thing worse that could have happened that day…losing you as well as Mike.  I think it might have killed me.”

Rafael’s hand caught his then, pulling it up to his lips and quickly peppering the knuckles with kisses.  His eyes closed, and Sonny knew instinctively there was so much he wanted to say, but was lacking the words.  

“You need help finishing with your packing?” Sonny finally asked, and the distraction felt needed and necessary.  At Rafael’s nod, they both stood and stretched before heading to the bedroom.  Sonny watched his boyfriend lead the way, but something in his shoulders felt heavy, and his stature was slouched.  Reaching from behind, he wrapped his arms around Rafael once more.  “I love you too, Rafael,” he murmured.  “Very much.”

And when Rafael turned in his arms to press his lips to Sonny’s, Sonny welcomed it.

Chapter Text

“See?” Rafael joked, adjusting his sunglasses.  “I knew there was a reason I brought you along.”

Sonny chuckled from the driver’s seat.  It wasn’t every day he got to get behind the wheel of a convertible, and driving this one did make him feel just a bit like a sugar baby.  Rafael knew the dreams he’d had as a teenager of owning a Mustang, and he’d rented a convertible one for their  vacation upstate.  “You’re shittin’ me,” Sonny had gasped, alternating a loving gaze between the car and his boyfriend.  But Rafael had merely handed him the keys, then gotten into the passenger seat.

They were headed upstate to Lake George, a little resort town that was supposed to be as fun as it was pretty.  Rafael had rented them a cozy but comfortable place near the lake with all the amenities to make a vacation grand.  He had no intention of “living off the land”, regardless of whether they were near a lake or not, and he’d made sure they would be in a place that had more than all the comforts of home.

It was a three-hour drive from Manhattan to the resort town, and the day was beautiful for it.  Rafael rested his head against the back of his seat and took several moments to watch his lover drive.  Sonny had put product in his hair this morning, but it was of no use against the wind now.  His hair blew carelessly, the silver-blonde locks waving in the breeze, and Rafael fought the inconvenient urge to run his hands through them.  Sometimes, when he least expected it, Sonny Carisi took his breath away.  He was stunningly beautiful to Rafael, and Rafael knew he could watch for hours, if he could only get away with it.

They were only an hour away from home when Rafael pointed to the next exit sign.  “Ooh…coffee!” he announced, seeing the universal sign for coffee–the mermaid.

“You hate that place,” Sonny reminded him.

“Yeah, but it’s after twelve and my caffeine reserves are being depleted.  Please?” Rafael begged, and Sonny hit the turn signal, moving over to take the next exit.

They went through the drive thru, spending a small fortune on coffee, bakery items, and sandwiches.  Easing back onto the highway, Sonny focused on driving while Rafael sorted through the food and drinks.  “Do you want your water now or later?” he asked, and Sonny decided to wait on it.  He’d have his coffee first, along with his sandwich.

Digging through the bag, Rafael pulled out three different sandwiches.  “You have a preference?” he asked.  “There’s chicken and bacon on brioche, ham and swiss on a baguette, and…huh…some mozzarella-tomato thing…or would you prefer a bagel?”

Sonny rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses. “I’ll take the ham and swiss,” he replied, and took a long sip of his coffee while Rafael got his sandwich ready.  “This food sounds too fancy to be picked up at a drive thru coffee shop,”  Sonny remarked, taking half the sandwich from his boyfriend.  “Y’know, I woulda been happy with burgers from McDonald’s.”

“That’s disgusting.”  Rafael carefully unwrapped his own sandwich, taking a bite.  “I don’t know how you even choke that stuff down.”

“Oh, c’mon, Rafi.  I don’t eat it every day.  In fact, I hardly ever eat it.  But on a road trip where you’re getting sustenance from drive-thrus?  Abso-fuckin’-lutely.  Although I do like to pull over and eat so it doesn’t get all over me.”

“The last time I ate McDonald’s, I was in law school and coming back from a late night party.  Somebody persuaded me it would be a good idea to eat a Big Mac after drinking.”  Rafael paused, making a face.  “I’m not sure it tasted any better going down than it did coming back up an hour later.”

Sonny laughed.  “Who was it that convinced you to eat Big Macs after drinking?”

“Rita Calhoun,” Rafael replied, rolling his eyes in addition to scowling.  “I swear, that woman has always had a stomach of steel.  She can eat anything and tolerate it.”  Eyeing Sonny up and down for a moment, he added, “You look like you can probably keep everything down, too.”

“I tend not to vomit when I drink too much,” Sonny shared, suddenly realizing the times he and Rafael had gotten really drunk together were completely minimal.  “So I guess I’m lucky like that.  Do you still get sick like that now, if you eat after you’ve been drinking?”

Rafael shook his head.  “One, I try not to eat anything that would be really horrific coming back up.  Two, I try not to drink to the point that could happen.”  He didn’t add that number two was something relatively new, something since he’d been seeing Sonny.  He rarely felt the loneliness he used to feel, and didn’t feel the need to combat it with alcohol.  But he didn’t share his thoughts; instead, he took another bite of the chicken and bacon sandwich, giving thanks it wasn’t a quarter pounder with cheese.

Looking to change the subject, Rafael suddenly asked, “So! Have you ever taken a vacation with someone you’ve been dating before?” 

Sonny felt his cheeks begin to burn.  There were so many ways in which he seemed inexperienced next to Rafael, and he was certain this was probably another one of them.

“Um, no. Not really,” he admitted.  “I went to Washington, D.C. for the weekend once with my college girlfriend.  She was thinkin’ about applying to the police academy in Northern Virginia, so we went to check it out.  She ended up movin’ to California and going to the academy out there.”

“You had a college girlfriend, huh?” Rafael asked.  “I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah…we dated the last two years of college, but we were friends before that.  She actually was the one who got me interested in going into police work.  I don’t know if you remember the Adam Brubeck case–”

“Jesus, yes,” Rafael interrupted.  “That guy was such a sleaze bucket.  Even I needed a shower after ten minutes in a room with him.”

Sonny chuckled.  “Yeah, well Jamie was the ex-girlfriend who gave me the info on all those kid actors.  She’s a detective with LAPD now and loves it.”

Rafael hummed.  “I remember you mentioning something about her at the time,” he commented.  “I also remember thinking that I couldn’t believe you were worldly enough to know anyone in LA.”

Sonny made a face as Rafael laughed at his own joke.  “Very funny…I wasn’t born yesterday, you know,”

“Not yesterday,” Rafael repeated, “but maybe the day before.”  Grinning at Sonny's expression of irritation, Rafael reached across the seat and took his hand, squeezing it.  “I’m just kidding.  Clearly, you’re a man of the world.”

Sonny squeezed his hand back.  “Don’t worry.  After this trip, I’ll obviously be knowledgeable in all kinds of things I’ve been missing out on.  After all, I’ve got you to educate me, right?”

Rafael turned to look at Sonny, who seemed focused on the road, eyes hidden behind his sunglasses.  Unsure if the other man could tell he’d only been teasing this whole time, Rafael brought Sonny’s hand to his lips and kissed it again.  “We’ll learn from one another, I have no doubt,” he replied.  “We usually do.”

At that, Sonny smiled.  “True.”

***

“Right there,” Rafael directed, and Sonny turned into the parking lot of the rental agency.

“You’re a regular GPS, aren’t you?” he teased as Rafael unbuckled.  “You want me to come in with you?”

“Nah, I’m good,” Rafael replied, climbing out of the Mustang.  “I’m just gonna check us in, and I should be back in a couple of minutes.”  Closing the car door, he lightly jogged to the front of the rental office, following another man inside.

Sonny got out of the car and shut the door, stretching.  It had been a smooth ride the entire way, and it was still a beautiful afternoon.  Just to his left was the lake, and the sun shone brightly off the tiny ripples in the water.  There were a handful of paddle boats and kayaks out, and he wondered if he’d be able to convince Rafael to enjoy something like that.  He knew his boyfriend had been on yachts before, but he was under the impression it was as a guest and done as a social necessity.  When he’d asked about it once, wondering if Rafael still sailed his yacht, the man had rolled his eyes and quickly cleared up any misconception.  “Not MY yacht,” he’d corrected.  “Not any yacht.  I avoid those money traps at all costs.”  He didn’t explain any further, and Sonny hadn’t had the chance to continue his questioning, because they’d been interrupted by Fin needing the stapler on Sonny’s desk.

“Hey handsome!” A pretty blonde in a bikini top and denim shorts rode by on her bicycle, grinning at him.  He smiled back, waving.  She was cute and athletic, maybe in her mid-twenties, and his ego preened just a little bit.  It felt good to know he could still attract that kind of attention from a pretty girl.

Glancing at the door, he saw Rafael heading toward him, readjusting his sunglasses on his head.  “Ready?” the older man asked.  “We’re just a little bit down the road.” 

They both climbed back into the Mustang.  “It’s beautiful here,” Sonny commented, as they headed back onto the street.

“Yeah, it is,” Rafael agreed.  “We go half a mile, then take a left.  Follow that to its end, and take a right.  We’re the third house in.”

“Okay.”  In just moments, they were making a left into a more wooded area.  They drove by a handful of mixed types of properties–some were small single cabins, and others appeared to be larger, apartment-style residences.  As the road ended, Sonny turned right.  There was a small house to his left, and the lake was directly in front of that.  “Oh my God,” he breathed in excitement, “did you know we were this close?  Like, we’re on the lake, Rafi!”

They continued to the third home, a small, bungalow-style house with a short driveway in front.  It had a welcoming front yard facing them, and the house itself was a soft gray.  There were flowerbeds full of azaleas, hydrangeas, daisies, and irises, and Sonny immediately spotted an open area to the side of the garage with two kayaks mounted to the wall.  

“So what do you think?” Rafael asked, noting Sonny’s ear-to-ear grin.

“I think I’m ready to move in,” he laughed, then grabbed a suitcase from the back seat.

***

It took them roughly an hour to get in, unpacked, and settled.  The bungalow itself was rather small, but perfect for the two of them.  Walking in the front door led directly to a living area overlooking the lake, with big bay windows and a comfy sofa facing them, providing a perfect view.  To the right of the large room was a short hallway leading to a guest bath, a master with an ensuite, and a guest room with bunkbeds.  To the left of the large room was a small but retro-style kitchen, equipped with everything they could possibly need.  A door on the far wall of the kitchen led out to the garage.

Along the wall, to the left of the bay windows, a few feet into the kitchen, was a door that led outside to the back deck.  The deck spanned the length of the house; there was a grill and a dining area directly outside of the kitchen.  On the opposite end of the deck, outside of the master bedroom, there was a hot tub, a small table, and a couple of comfy chairs.  And in the middle, directly in front of the bay windows, was a beautiful set of outdoor furniture, along with several lovely plants, herbs, and flowers.  

Steps led down from the deck into the large backyard.  There was plenty of green space, along with a sturdy hammock hanging between two large old trees.  A few yards past the hammock was their own private sandy beach, along with a long dock leading out into the lake with stairs mounted to its end.  Some adirondack chairs sat in the sand with a table between them.  A few yards away, there was a fire pit, ready for an evening fire.

“I think we may have landed in heaven,” Sonny said as Rafael joined him in the kitchen.  It was already stocked; Rafael had called a service in advance so they wouldn’t have to worry about groceries.  “I think I could take up residence here for…oh, maybe forever,” he chuckled, and Rafael grinned.

“I’m glad it meets your approval,” he replied, bumping Sonny’s hip with his own.  “I’m not much of a nature lover, but even I get how awesome it is here.” Nibbling on a cracker from a box Sonny had just opened, he added, “I think we’re going to have one hell of a vacation.”

Sonny handed Rafael a piece of pepperjack he’d just cut and smiled.  “You can say that again, counselor.

Chapter Text

“So what do you want to do today?” Rafael asked Sonny, as they lounged in the kitchen over second cups of coffee.  They’d had a comfortable night, and realized they were close enough to the lake to hear the water lapping at the sand if they kept the window open.  Falling asleep to the sound of the shore had done both of them a world of good.

“I wanna pull out those bikes in the garage and hit the bike trail,” Sonny immediately answered, grinning.  “Whaddya think?”

Rafael shook his head.  “All that we could do here, and you want to ride bikes?  What are we, ten?” he teased, hoping that Sonny couldn’t see the anxiety he was feeling.  

Sonny rolled his eyes.  “Oh, come on, Rafi.  Everyone rides bikes, and at a place like this, where they have set bike trails, it’s so fantastic.  We can enjoy it here so much more than we’d ever enjoy it in the city, and it would be a great way to see the area.”  As he finished speaking, he noticed that Rafael was staring into his coffee cup and frowning.  Something was wrong, and it had to be more than his choice of activity.  “Hey,” he said gently, reaching over to touch Rafael’s hand, “you wanna tell me what’s goin’ on?”

Rafael sighed.  “Not really,” he replied honestly, before glancing up at Sonny.  “Okay, fine,” he huffed.  “Goddamn, this is hard.  Look, you remember how I told you that from now on I would be honest with you, even when I didn’t want to?”

Of course he did.  Sonny had demanded it two weeks ago.

“All I know is if we’re going to continue with this…with our relationship…then I have got to know that you’re going to be honest with me from this point moving forward.  Completely honest, Rafael.  Even when you don’t want to.  Even when it’s uncomfortable.  If you can’t do that, or at least make an effort to do that, then we need to call it quits, right now.  I’m not going to spend the rest of my life wondering what you’re hiding from me and how worried I should be every time you step out that door!”

Rafael nodded, eyes shining with tears.  “I get it, Sonny…I do, and I’m sorry.  I’m not used to being so…vulnerable…but I’ll try.  I’ll really try,” he repeated, as Sonny wrapped his arms around his body in a tight hug.  “I love you,” he murmured hoarsely in Sonny’s ear, and Sonny felt his own tears wetting his eyelashes.

“So here’s the truth, in all its embarrassing glory,” Rafael continued, face flushing.  “The truth is, I don’t know how to ride.  I never learned.  I never had a bike growing up…we didn’t have the money for stuff like that.  So if you want to go, that’s fine…I just can’t go with you, is all.”  His eyes dropped back down to his coffee cup, almost as though he were ashamed, and Sonny felt a lump in his throat.

Rafael had forced himself to be honest, even when it hurt, and something inside of Sonny felt incredibly humbled and honored.

“Hey, it’s no biggie,” he replied gently, nudging Rafael’s arm.  “We could do something else today, if you want…or, if you’re up to it, I could teach you?  It’s not so hard, really…it’s just a matter of learning how to balance and pedal.  We could practice in the driveway for a little bit, and if you feel comfortable, then we could try one of the trails later.”  Seeing the skepticism in Rafael’s face, he added, “Completely up to you, though.  No pressure.”

Rafael was silent, as though pondering his options.  At last, he said, “You’d really teach me?  And you think I could learn without breaking anything?”

“What are you gonna break?” Sonny asked.  “The trash can?  There’s nothing in the driveway.”

Now Rafael rolled his eyes.  “I was thinking more along the lines of my bones, Dominick.”

Sonny laughed.  “No, I promise you won’t break any bones.  I won’t let it happen.  So you wanna try it?”

Rafael gave a short nod.  “Fine.  But just know if I break a bone, I may never trust you again…at least around bicycles.”

Sonny grinned.  “It’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

***

“That’s it!  Keep goin’...you’ve got it, Rafi!” Sonny called as Rafael crookedly rode the bike down the driveway.  It had taken a few tries for him to focus his balance, but once he’d managed to do that, he was able to stay on fairly successfully.

Steering the bike toward the grass, Rafael slowed down, then dropped one foot to the ground to stop.  “I can’t believe I can do this without causing myself bodily harm,” he told Sonny, his grin nearly as crooked as the path he’d ridden.  “Do you want to try to go on the trail?  Or do you think I should just practice here today?”

Sonny shrugged.  “Up to you.  If you feel ready, we can go.  We can always turn around whenever you’re ready to head back, you know.”  

“Okay then.  Let’s try it!”  Rafael rode back up the driveway as Sonny put on a helmet and adjusted it, then grabbed the other bike.  A sense of pride made him smile as he watched Rafael head back down the driveway, toward the road, then stop.  “You ready?” he called back to Sonny, and Sonny climbed on his bike, riding down to Rafael. 

“You wanna lead?” Sonny asked, and Rafael crossed the street, then entered the bike trail that ran parallel to it.  Sonny followed him, watching as his boyfriend’s crooked riding slowly straightened out.

It was another beautiful afternoon, and the bike trail took them through a pleasant, woodsy area with occasional lovely glimpses of the lake.  After a little while, Rafael slowed down, carefully riding off the path and stopping himself with one foot.  Sonny stopped next to him.  “You okay?” he asked.  “Your riding looks great!”

“Thanks,” Rafael smiled a little self-consciously.  “I just wanted to grab a picture here of the lake…it’s really pretty, isn’t it?”

They had reached a small clearing, giving them a higher vantage point than they had at the rental house.  Looking out, they could see the lake seemed peaceful and serene.  They could occasionally spot some kayakers, and closer to the shore, a few swimmers.  

Rafael pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and took a handful of photos before turning to Sonny.  “Here,” he directed, handing his phone to the other man, “take a picture of me on this bike.  My mother will never believe it!”  Sonny quickly focused the camera on Rafael, and he wasn’t sure which of them had the goofier grin.  

“All right then.”  Sonny got off his bike, handed the phone back to Rafael, then pulled his own phone out.  Standing with his back to the lake, he motioned for Rafael to join him.  “C’mon.  I wanna take a selfie here of both of us.”

“Are you kidding?” Rafael asked, making a face.  “I’m sweaty and my hair is a mess and I’m wearing a Depeche Mode tee-shirt, of all things–”

“Sexy as hell,” Sonny interrupted him, grinning.  “C’mon, Rafi.  It’ll be for my eyes only.”

Grumbling something about dirty pictures, Rafael humored Sonny and stood next to him.  Sonny held the phone up and managed to catch a handful of photos, most of which included an incredibly cheesy smile pasted on his boyfriend’s face.  Looking at them, he snorted.  “I should send one of these to your mom,” he joked.  “Show her the attitude I get for teaching you to ride a bike.”

“She’ll never believe it’s me,” Rafael told him.  “See the trees and the grass?  The lack of large buildings and grumpy people?  She’s going to want to know if you’re holding me for ransom.”

“Oh yeah? How much is she gonna want me to pay to bring you back?” he asked as Rafael climbed onto his bike and started down the trail again.  “Because I don’t think I make that much.”

“You’re so funny,” Rafael called to him.  “Keep it up and they might let you pay to do open mic amateur night!”  He could see Rafael laughing as he rode, and Sonny bit down on a giggle of his own to focus on catching up.

***

“How old were you when you learned to ride a bike?” Rafael asked, then took a sip of his beer.  They were sitting by the lake in the adirondack chairs, feet in the sand, watching the sun set.

Sonny scrunched up his face, thinking.  “Um, not sure…probably five or six, I think, but I had training wheels at first.  I always thought I was better than I was, and my ma thought I was gonna kill myself.  She made my dad put ‘em on and wouldn’t let him take ‘em off until I’d learned a little self-control.”  He chuckled.  “Pop kept tellin’ her that I would figure out not to be so reckless as soon as I started fallin’ off and gettin’ hurt, but she told him she was too damn busy  to spend an entire summer in the emergency room.”  They both snickered.

“Your poor mother,” Rafael said sympathetically.  “I can imagine her being incredibly worried about your safety.”

“Oh my God,” Sonny laughed, “I’m probably the only kid who tried to do a jump off a ramp while riding a bike with training wheels.”

Rafael burst into a belly laugh, and Sonny joined him.  “Oh my God, your poor mother,” Rafael cried, rubbing his eyes and gasping for breath.  “Did she see you?”

“Not the first time,” Sonny answered.  “She caught me after a few times, when I went in to get my sisters’ barbie dolls.”

“Why were you getting their Barbies?”

“Why do you think?  To line ‘em up and see how many I could jump over,” Sonny replied, and Rafael’s hand went to his stomach as he launched into another round of laughter.  “It was more exciting with pretty girls watching…at least, that’s what I thought.”  As Rafael kept laughing, Sonny added, “My dad understood.  Ma made me wear a helmet for a while after that, but Pop decorated it to look like Evil Knievel’s and got me a cape.  That way none of the other kids would make fun of me.” 

“Stop…stop,” Rafael begged, tears streaming down his face from laughter.  “Your dad…your dad dressed you up as Evil Knievel because your mom made you wear a bike helmet?”

Sonny’s chuckles grew.  “Well, in all fairness, she was afraid I’d have brain damage.  Like I said, I was only five or six,” he replied, laughing as he watched Rafael.  “You might want to calm down before you wet yourself,” he offered, and Rafael clutched his stomach again.

“I’m trying,” he gasped, “I’m trying…oh my God…why did things like that never happen in my neighborhood?”  He shook his head, still laughing.

“Did your dad ever help you out with something difficult?” Sonny asked, taking a sip of beer.  “I mean, I know he was an asshole…I was just wondering if he ever did anything…you know, kind.”

Rafael began to sober, thinking about the question.  “Actually, yeah, he did,” he replied, surprising both Sonny and himself.  “My first year in little league.  I was awful.  Like there’s bad, and then there’s awful, and then there’s mindblowingly pathetic, and then there’s me.  I was just not an athletic kid.  And I got a target on my back, ‘cause I couldn’t hit a ball if it walked up and flicked the bat itself.  So it became a running joke, y’ know, who could strike me out the most each game.  Nobody wanted me to play.  It was awful, like I said. 

“Well, baseball was the one hobby my dad had that I really remember, because I don’t think you can call drinking and adultery ‘hobbies’.  Anyway, I guess it got back to him at the shop how bad I was.  So on Saturday, he shows up at my game, and sure enough, I strike out both times I’m up to bat.  I’d given up at that point.  And when I saw him there, I thought he was going to make it worse, you know?  But he didn’t.  When the game ended, he pulled me aside, waited for everyone to leave, then stayed all afternoon to practice hitting with me.  Sober, Sonny.  Told me when he first started, it was hard for him, too, but I had to keep trying.  Cheered for me when I finally hit the damn ball.  Told me I could do it.  Laughed and called me ‘slugger’ and ruffled my hair.  It’s the only memory I have of him touching me with affection.”  He took another sip of beer, then sat quietly for a moment.  “There were two games left in the season, and he showed up for both of them, sober, and helped me practice afterward.  Cheered when I hit the ball.  But after the last game, that was it.  I asked him a few weeks later if he could go play ball with me, and he told me he didn’t have time to waste playing games.  That the garage wasn’t going to fix cars itself, and he’d taught me how to hit, and I was being a spoiled brat by trying to waste his time now.  Then he went a got another beer and sat back down in the recliner.”

Sonny felt sick.  A story that he’d hoped would be a happy memory still was full of pain, and now Rafael was sitting in it.  “Rafi…”

Rafael shook his head.  “Don’t.  I gave up a long time ago trying to make sense where there wasn’t any.”  Slowly, the pain on his face was replaced with a sly grin.  “I still can’t get over that Evil Knievil story,” he remarked.  “That’s the funniest damn shit I’ve heard in a long time.”

Sonny chuckled.  “You ready to go inside?  The sun set a long time ago.”

“Yeah.”  Sonny stood, but Rafael stayed seated for another minute.  “Hey, Sonny?  Thanks.”

Sonny turned to face him.  “For what?” he asked.

Rafael was staring at his bottle, but then looked into Sonny’s eyes.  “Because of you, if I ever have a kid, I can teach them how to ride a bike.  Every kid should know how to ride a bike.”  Rafael stood, taking a step closer to Sonny; Sonny immediately moved closer, too, hooking his fingers in the back pockets of Rafael’s shorts.

“I love you,” Sonny murmured quietly.  “Thanks for your honesty.  Even when it hurts.”

Rafael brushed his lips across Sonny’s in a soft, sweet kiss.

Chapter Text

Rafael stretched his body out and floated on his back in the water.  True, he preferred a pool, but there was something about this environment that was incredibly relaxing.  The sun was bright, and the clouds floated past slowly in the sky, reminding him of times that he and Jacob had spent on the rooftop of their apartment building back in Brooklyn.  They would lie there and chat, relaxing after the day, and imagining where their lives would take them.  There was always something about Jacob that calmed Rafael, made him feel anchored.  That had been a wonderful feeling until it began to morph into a feeling of being tied down and held back.  He still wasn’t sure why that had happened, unless it was the slow realization that his love for Jacob wasn’t a love of romance, but rather a love of admiration and friendship.  He’d often wondered, if they’d never kissed, would they still be friends today?  Jacob had always been the gentler soul, and he would love being in an environment like this, Rafael thought, as he heard the birds chirping above him and–

“BOMBS AWAY!” Sonny screeched, running down the dock and cannonballing, crashing into the water less than two feet from where Rafael was floating.  He came up sputtering and laughing, and Rafael wanted to give him a good shove under to teach him a lesson.

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I was enjoying a moment of peace, Carisi?” he snipped, swimming a few yards away to emphasize his displeasure.  Sonny shook the water out of each of his ears, then swam over to him.

“Sorry, Rafi,” he apologized.  “I didn’t realize you were having a moment with nature…you just looked so wet and cool and sexy, and I wanted to get in here as soon as possible, is all.”  He smiled hopefully at Rafael.

“You’re lucky I like you,” Rafael retorted.  “ And that you’re cute.”  Reaching over, he rubbed Sonny’s hair quickly, making it an even bigger mess.  “So is this your plan, to cannonball into the lake all afternoon?”

“Maybe…until it starts to storm,” Sonny replied, nodding toward the northwest.  There was a dark cloud in that corner of the sky, although the rest of the sky was beautifully clear.  “Unless there’s something else you’d rather do in the lake.”  He waggled his eyebrows, and Rafael gave him a good eyeroll in return, then laughed.

“Not today,” he said more quietly, then nodded his own head to the left.  A bit down the shore, they could see a few families splashing around in the lake as well.  “Not looking to educate any kids about the ways of the world.”

Sonny chuckled.  “Oh, c’mon, Rafi…you know we’d be underwater.  Plus I guarantee it’s nothing worse than what they see on TV these days…”

Rafael snorted.  “Except a lot scarier…even I don’t want to see me naked most days!”

“Oh please,” Sonny argued, not even bothering to lower his voice, “your ass is one of the seven wonders of my world.  The fact I get to see it regularly is a gift from God!”

“You’re so weird,” Rafael laughed, blushing and giving Sonny a gentle shove in the chest.  “Go do your cannonballs…I’m gonna float and think of, I don’t know, peaceful stuff.”

“Actually, I’m gonna swim for a bit,” Sonny corrected him, then easily took off doing the cross stroke, and Rafael watched for a moment, mesmerized.  Sonny’s long, pale limbs stretched perfectly in the water, moving smoothly and effortlessly along.  His lithe body was beautiful in the sunlight, and his movements were so coordinated that Rafael wondered if there was any sport that gave his boyfriend a challenge.

He’d learned to swim, too; at a summer camp sponsored by the Y, he’d been accepted on scholarship and taught the basics.  His mother had been thrilled.  She’d been wanting to take him to the beach in Miami, but wouldn’t allow it until he knew how to keep himself afloat.  Still, he never completed all the levels of classes, and he certainly was never as graceful as Sonny.

It was difficult, sometimes, to watch Sonny excel at things Rafael had felt deprived of.  Last night, he’d had to tamp down a bit of jealousy at the thought of Sonny’s dad going to such extremes to make his son not only safe, but happy and part of the group.  But then he’d thought about the fact that Sonny would never have a Harvard degree.  Sonny’s family didn’t have the money to send him somewhere like Harvard, and Sonny himself hadn’t had the grades for it; in fact, he’d shared that his high school grades had him starting in a community college.  So maybe there was a tradeoff in there somewhere, Rafael thought now, laying back in the water again.  Sonny’s gifts were entirely different from his own, and maybe that was okay.  Instead of competing, they could complement each other, grow from one another.  He’d taught Sonny a few finer points about cross-examinations, and Sonny had taught him how to ride a bicycle.  Maybe he’d buy a bike when he got back to Manhattan, and take up riding on the weekends through the park.  It would be a great way to relax and to spend more quality time with Sonny, he thought, closing his eyes to the sun.

***

“You’ve still got sand on the back of your calf,” Rafael told Sonny as they rinsed off before going inside.  The dark cloud was ominously closing in, and they wanted to make sure they were at least semi-clean before they went back inside.

Sonny turned around again under the spray, and Rafael quickly poured a handful of shampoo into his hair and started to scrub, removing the last bit of lake water from his boyfriend.  Sonny bent down slightly, easing Rafael’s reach, and as the suds made their way down his body, he hurriedly used them to wash.  The last bit of suds made their way out of his hair just as the first roll of thunder sounded.

“Done?” Rafael asked as Sonny finished rinsing; he nodded and Rafael turned the water off, handing Sonny a towel.  As they were drying off, lightning zigzagged across the sky, and they both ran to the back door, making it into the kitchen just as the skies opened up and the rain poured down.

“Made it,” Sonny sighed, chuckling as he took Rafael’s towel from him and began to slowly dry him off.  Rafael had done a fairly good job of it, but Sonny wasn’t about to waste the opportunity to touch.  He rubbed Rafael’s head roughly, until they were both laughing, then gently began to dry his chest, shoulders, arms, and back.  “We should probably go into the bedroom, y’know, if we wanna finish gettin’ you dry…”

“Sounds good to me,” Rafael agreed, and they crossed the house, entering the master.  The master was large, with a king-size bed against one wall and the chest of drawers and a TV on the opposite.  The wall in between faced the lake and had french doors leading out to the deck.  Right now, though, they had an excellent view of the rain on the lake.  Rafael turned to face Sonny, who was still holding both towels, and moved closer against him.  Grinning,  he leaned up and kissed Sonny, then wrapped his arms around him.  They both felt cold and clammy, but started to warm as they stood pressed together, kissing.  After a moment, Rafael took a step  back, but Sonny caught him by the hips.

“Mmm…don’t go,” he murmured, relishing in the warmth and taste of Rafael’s skin.  He tasted warm and familiar, and Sonny thought about how much he loved that taste–it was beginning to remind him of home, of comfort.  Despite the frustrations and the heartache they’d gone through recently, he still could not get enough of Rafael.  As their lips brushed together again, he heard Rafael murmur lovingly to him.

“I love you, Dominick.”  Rafael’s forehead pressed against his, something he was prone to do in  his more romantic moments, and Sonny immediately pulled him closer.  “Do you want to make love?  I’d love to feel you inside of me.”

Sonny met his eyes, then caught Rafael’s bottom lip with his mouth and suckled gently.  “Yeah,” he whispered softly.  “Yeah, I do, babe.”  He kissed Rafael again, slow and deep, then hooked his thumbs in Rafael’s trunks and slid them off.

They took their time.  For once, there was no outside pressure–no cases to worry about, no upcoming deadlines, no potential phone calls to disrupt their time together.  Rafael felt as though he were lost in intense waves of arousal; allowing his mind to drift, he let Sonny’s fingers carry him through heat and through pleasure over and over again.  His own mouth craved the taste of his lover, and his tongue ran lightly over Sonny’s soft skin, stopping here and there for a much-needed suckle or bite.  “Love you,” he heard himself murmur repeatedly, and Sonny’s soft sighs answered him.

There was something so different in the way they made love than in any other sexual experience Rafael had had.  More than pleasure, more than the heat, there was something sweet and beautiful in it; he felt precious in Sonny’s hands.  Valuable, like a work of art, handled with the utmost care.  He was being loved in a way that he’d only read about, something he hadn’t been sure before now even existed in the realm of human experience.

“I want to see you,” Sonny whispered as he finished prepping him, and Rafael nodded, quickly moving onto his back.  He felt Sonny slowly push inside, and he closed his eyes to focus on the pleasure slowly spreading through his body.  “God, you’re so beautiful, Rafael,” he heard, and when he opened his eyes, Sonny’s face was only inches from his.  “So fuckin’ beautiful,” Sonny repeated as he continued to move, and Rafael wrapped his legs more tightly around Sonny’s waist, then cupped the man’s face and brought him in for a kiss.

He was an idiot for hiding, he knew, when he could have this every single day of his life.  He’d chosen walls over honesty, over vulnerability for so long, he wasn’t sure he knew how to choose anything else.  He didn’t know why Sonny hadn’t left, hadn’t yet given up on him, but he knew he didn’t want to lose this.  It was more love than he’d ever experienced, more than he’d ever even dreamt he deserved.  And Sonny was here, offering it all, as long as he was willing to share his truth. 

“Baby, you feel so good…so goddamned good…you’re perfect, Rafi…God, I love you.”  The words continued to bathe Rafael’s soul in something light and lovely, and he allowed himself to clutch onto his lover and float through the moment.

“Need you…please, Sonny, please…” he cried out, as his body tightened into a coil.  Sonny’s mouth covered his own; the coil in Rafael released itself,  and he groaned softly as he came.  As Sonny thrust a handful of times more, Rafael bit into his shoulder and suckled, listening as his partner cried out and climaxed.

Sonny let out a soft grunt, then tried to move off of Rafael, but Rafael clung to him tightly.  “Not yet,” he murmured quietly, following it up with, “please?”.  Sonny ceased his movements, allowing himself to lie in the somewhat uncomfortable position, resting the majority of his weight on Rafael’s torso.

After a handful of minutes, when Rafael still hadn’t let go, Sonny nosed his cheek gently.  “You okay?” he asked softly.  “I don’t wanna squish you too much.”

Rafael softly pressed another kiss to Sonny’s neck.  “I don’t want to lose you,” he whispered honestly.  “I don’t know what I’m doing here with you, but I don’t want it to ever stop.  I don’t want you to leave.  I’ve never loved like this before.”

Gazing into Rafael’s green eyes, Sonny whispered, “Neither have I, Rafael.  Neither have I.”

***

“You know, when you’ve talked about your old lover Jacob, it kinda reminded me of Jamie,” Sonny said quietly as they lay together.  The storm had mellowed to a steady rain, and they were curled up naked under the comforters in the bed.  Sonny rested his head on Rafael’s chest for a change, and Rafael was gently playing with Sonny’s hair.  “She’s one of the kindest, sweetest people you could ever wanna meet.  But we realized, in the end, that we weren’t in love with one another and never would be.”

“I’m sorry,” Rafael murmured, pressing a kiss to Sonny’s forehead.  “From what you’ve said, it sounds like you both loved one another very much.”  

“We did,” he agreed.  “We were friends for the first couple of years of college, and then one night she kissed me, and we decided to try it.  And I can’t say I regret it, y’know?  Because I loved her more deeply after those coupla years than I ever did before, and it was a great experience.  I loved being with her in some ways.  She taught me a lot of stuff about myself, and I think that’s supposed to happen when you love someone.  But in the end, we both just knew it wasn’t gonna work out between us.  We just weren’t in love.  And let me tell ya, figuring that out sucked.”

They both chuckled, and Sonny could feel the rumble in Rafael’s chest as he laughed.  He tangled his fingers in the dark hair there, then patted it gently as Rafael asked, “What made you guys realize it?”

Sonny sighed softly.  “We were at a ball game, and this couple came on the giant scoreboard…one of those kissing cams, you know those?”

Rafael snorted softly.  “Yeah, where they broadcast a kiss for the world to see.  Gross.”

“Right,” Sonny continued.  “Anyway, this couple was goin’ at it, like they were tryin’ to suck the air outta each other’s lungs, and Jamie and I were laughing at it.  And later that night, she asked me if I ever thought about kissin’ her like that, and I said no.  Then she asked me who I thought about kissin’ like that.  Like she knew there was someone I wanted to kiss like that, with that kinda passion or intensity or whatever.”  He ran his fingers back and forth on Rafael’s stomach.  “I was ashamed to share my answer, so I asked her who she wanted to kiss like that, and she told me Brad Archer, who was a guy we both knew.  I didn’t even know she wanted him.  It didn’t end that night, but it did start to fall apart, and within a coupla months, we weren’t together anymore.”

Rafael tilted his face so he could see Sonny a bit more clearly.  “Who did you want to kiss like that, Sonny?”

Sonny cleared his throat.  “Her brother,” he whispered, staring at Rafael.

“Oh, Sonny,” he murmured, kissing the other man’s forehead again.  Sonny closed his eyes, and Rafael watched, wondering how Sonny was able to do that, just lay his soul, bare, at Rafael’s feet.  It was as though he trusted that Rafael would hear his secrets, yet never betray him with them, that he knew Rafael was trustworthy with his most personal and private moments. 

He’d learned a long time ago not to trust anyone with anything that could come back to bite him; consequently, he spoke only of things that no longer had the emotional power to do so.  His father’s alcoholism, his mother’s disengagement.  His relationship with Jacob–the mostly sanitized version.

He still had yet to tell this man, his lover, about Yelina.  Or Rita.  He supposed he’d told Sonny some things about each of them, but not really.  Not the things that mattered.

“You’ve gotten quiet,” Sonny murmured against his neck, then pressed a kiss to his pulse point.  “Are you horrified with my crush on her brother?  I never told anyone, and never acted on it…”

“No,” Rafael said.  “I need to show you something.”  

Carefully, he maneuvered out from under Sonny, climbing out of the bed and going over to the closet.  Digging into his suitcase, he pulled out the old C3P0 notebook, holding it in his hands for a moment.  He hadn’t known why he’d brought it at the time, just that he had.  He was supposed to be honest, and the notebook had secrets.  Secrets that he was ready to share.

He walked back to the bed, sliding under the comforter again, and handed it to Sonny.

“C3P0?” Sonny laughed.  “Impressive.  I wasn’t anticipating a gift of an old notebook.”

Rafael smiled awkwardly.  “You remember when you were undercover?  I had a hard time for a bit, so I decided to write to you.  What I wrote is in that notebook.”  Sonny’s face took on a look of piqued interest.  “I was a little tipsy when I picked it out, and it kept me laughing because it’s the same shape as your head.”

Now Sonny laughed.  “Bullshit, man!  I don’t look like C3P0!”

“Like hell you don’t!” Rafael argued.  “I’ve seen your shadow in the dark, and it’s a match, babe.”

Sonny snorted, then flipped to the first page.  He was quiet for a moment, then asked, “Do you mind if I read this now?”

Rafael shook his head.  “There’s things in there…things I want you to know.”

Sonny’s eyes met his for a long moment, then he nodded and kissed Rafael’s forehead.

Climbing out of bed, Rafael quickly got dressed, then headed toward the main room of the house.  If he had to share his truth, so be it, but it was too much to ask him to be physically naked when his soul was bared, too.  Reaching for the remote, he turned on the TV.

Chapter Text

“Don’t even say it.”  Rafael was sitting at the kitchen table, holding his temples.

“Were you absent the first day of class?” Rita asked him, dropping the C3P0 notebook in front of his face.  “What do we always say?  Never write anything incriminating! Now what in the hell are you gonna do when he laughs at you?  Or worse yet, realizes exactly who you are and how pathetic you are and runs for the hills to get away?”  She stood up, taking a look out the window.  “Or jumps into the lake to flee?”  Tilting her head, she asked, “Where are we, anyway? Am I here for a friends with benefits thing, or as legal counsel?”  She turned and walked back to the table, leaning down, close to his face.  “Hey baby,” she said quietly, and he sat back, a bit surprised she was so close.  “It’s okay, honey.  I’ve got you.”

Stunned by her change in demeanor, he slid his chair back from the table, putting space between them.  Instead of taking the hint, Rita scooped him into her arms, and Rafael quickly threw his arms around her neck.  How the hell was she doing this?  “Don’t drop me!” he cried out, clinging to her.  “I don’t wanna fall!”

He felt soft lips caress his own, and when he opened his eyes, Sonny was holding him securely. Carrying him back into the bedroom, he gazed at Rafael with soft, loving eyes.  “I won’t drop you, sleepyhead,” he teased with a muted grin.  “I’m sorry, baby, but you’ve been asleep for an hour on that couch and I couldn’t stand to be away from you for one more minute.”  Sonny slowly lowered him onto the bed, then pulled the comforter around him before climbing in on the other side.  “You can go back to sleep if you want, Rafi.  I’ll just hold you, if that’s okay…I just…”  He stopped speaking, shook his head, then leaned over and delicately kissed Rafael on the forehead.  “I’m so very much in love with you, sweetheart.”

Rafael slowly smiled.  “Did you read it all?  You’re not angry?”

Sonny sighed softly.  “Every word…and I couldn’t be angry with you.  Not when you laid your heart out to me like that.”

Rafael felt his heart beating quickly. “So you know about Yelina now…and you know that I was in love with you before I told you.”  Rafael’s wide eyes were scanning Sonny’s for judgment, but he didn’t see any.  “And you know how scared I’ve been that you won’t forgive me for my mistakes, and that you’ll leave.”

He hadn’t stopped writing when Sonny finished the undercover operation.  Instead, he’d continued to bare his soul as though he were speaking to a Sonny who he could trust completely, of whom he could share every thought and every experience.  And that Sonny had learned of so much more than Yelina.

5/11

I’ve never felt so at peace as when I lay here with you next to me.  You’ve only been back for a handful of days, yet I feel like the luckiest man on the face of the planet.  Watching you sleep is such a gift…in my mind, I’ve come to call you “Sleeping Beauty”, lol.  But to me, Sonny?  You are completely beautiful.  Your face relaxes and you look angelic.  I don’t know how your mother was able to kiss you goodnight and not return to watch you sleep.  Some nights I lay here and watch you, and I thank God for you.  Not only are you beautiful, but you are one of the kindest, most compassionate people I’ve ever known.  Your passion for life is contagious, and you sweep me up in it.  I love you, angel, whether I say it or not.

5/14

My sweet Sonny, thank you for forgiving me.  I know we have a lot to talk about, but I promise I had legitimate reasons for not sharing these threats with anyone.  When you found out, I could see how worried you were, and I immediately regretted the decisions I’ve made to keep this to myself.  I am not pleased with the thought of a detail watching me, but I’m willing to accept it if it’s what you and Olivia think is best at this point.  I do acknowledge I should not have given that man my address, and I won’t share information like that in the future.  I truly am so thankful for you, honey.  I love you, and I need to figure out a way to tell you instead of continually writing it down.

5/15

Baby, I wish I was there.  I am so immensely sorry for your loss.  I know you and Mike were friends, and I know you are grieving the loss of him.  I wish more than anything that I could take away your pain, that I could hold you and comfort you, and make things like they were before.  I know you have said you will come by when you finish, and I hope that remains true.  I worry that you’re going to isolate and try to hide your grief and pain.  You don’t need to, mi Soleado.  I will hold you for as long as you need to be held, listen for as long as you need to talk.  I will wipe away your tears until you’re done crying and go out for more tissues when you need to cry again.  Sweetheart, I love you and pray to God that you can sense that, even though we haven’t talked about it.  I believe you can sense my feelings, as I think I sense some of yours…I know you love me and I hope you also know you can depend on me whenever you need me, particularly now.  Te amo, my sweet Sonny.

5/17

I can’t say this to you because you’ve finally cried yourself to sleep, but you’re wrong.  This is not your fault.  If it had been your time, then God would have taken you, no matter where you were or what you were doing.  Baby, it was Mike’s time.  You couldn’t stop it, and it didn’t happen because you stayed behind.  Sometimes this fucked up world makes no sense, but that doesn’t mean the world should lose you, too.

I cannot begin to tell you how it would break my heart if you weren’t here anymore.  I have grown so attached to you–that’s how I started writing to you in the first place.  I couldn’t stand not being able to say these things to you, and I can’t begin to imagine if I could never speak to you again.  I’m goddamned selfish, Dominick, but I don’t care.  I’m so fucking thankful it wasn’t you.  I have thanked God daily for bringing you back to me.  I need you, Sonny…I need to hear your voice, to touch your body, to kiss your lips.  I know the funeral tomorrow may be difficult, but remember, I will be right there with you.  You don’t have to be alone, Dominick.  You don’t have to be alone ever again.

5/21

I love you.  I can’t believe we can say that out loud to one another now.  I keep telling myself it’s time to give you this journal, since it’s really just letters to you, but it’s become so helpful to write in it that I’m having trouble turning it over.  Maybe one day when you already know everything in here, I’ll turn it over to you.  Hopefully you’ll laugh at the entries, for the most part, and we can say, “remember when…”

Remember when we first said I love you?  Because I’ll never forget it. A magical moment that took place on a day shrouded in grief.  I love you, Dominick.  I love you.

5/27

I don’t know how to fix this with you.  I trusted you when you said it was fine and you understood, that you were just glad I was okay and nothing had happened.  But now, everything I do seems to piss you off, and it’s as though you don’t understand any of it.  You keep saying you want me to be honest.  Well honestly, Dominick?  You need to grow the fuck up if you think I’m the only ADA who’s ever gotten death threats!  We ALL get them, regularly, and if you can’t handle that then maybe this isn’t the right career for you.  Maybe you should stay in police work.  I only have to deal with the fact that every time you go to work, you might not come back home to me.  So easy, right?  You’ve got some balls on you to imply I have no idea how worried you’ve felt over these last couple of weeks.  I feel it every single day. Hell, it’s one of the reasons I didn’t want to date you in the first place.  Sucks to be the one feeling vulnerable, doesn’t it?

6/1

I know I’ve told you this, but I also am worried that you don’t completely believe me.  I’m sorry, Sonny.  I truly am.  I didn’t intentionally set out to keep things from you–or from anyone, for that matter.  I’ve never known an ADA who didn’t receive threats of some kind.  Over the years, you just kind of get used to it–you have to, or you’ll lose your mind.  The things people have sworn to do to me over the years would make you lose your lunch, which is exactly why I don’t like to think about or discuss it.  However, it’s rare for anyone to actually approach me and deliver a threat in person.  I will admit, the sheer number of threats this year was what first gained my attention…multiple calls a day that were either hangups or one-word utterances to my cell is how it started.  I know you’re aware now that there have been a handful of threatening letters delivered to my office as well.  They have never brought anything to my house, although they did call my home line seven times in the last month.  Each one was heavy breathing, then a threat of “we’re watching you”.   One man simply said, “bang.”

In retrospect, yes, I should have told you, and I regret not doing that.  But please understand my reticence to share this was with everyone, not only you.  I grew up learning that the best way to solve these things most times was to leave them alone.  A lot of people just need to vent, and then they’ll let it go.  I was a small, scrawny kid, and so my words had to count–which is why I said what I did to the man who confronted me outside of the courthouse.  I wanted him to think I wasn’t afraid of him.  I grew up learning that fear is their greatest weapon, and my greatest defense was letting them know I was not afraid.  Again, in retrospect, it wasn’t a good decision, and the thought that I might have endangered you makes me sick to my stomach.  I would rather die a thousand deaths than make you a target.  Whether you believe it or not right now, Dominick, I love you, and my feelings for you are far deeper than I’ve admitted, even to you.

I hope I can figure out a way to verbalize this that enables you to forgive me.  So far, I haven’t, because I can feel the anger coming off of you in waves.  But this is me, this is what I do.  This is how I ruin whatever is good and beautiful in my life.  I make stupid decisions that end up hurting the people I love.  I tried to warn you.

6/6

I can’t believe you still want to disclose.  Just when I think I’ve got you figured out and know what will happen next, you do something like this and I’m completely at a loss.  I thought when you said you wanted to talk last night, it was because you were planning to break up with me. I braced myself all day, knowing that our time was going to end.  Telling myself I’d finally blown it, ruined the best thing I’d had in years, if ever.  Instead, you tell me that you feel it’s time to disclose our relationship like we had discussed, and we should do it on Friday, before we leave for the lake.  

How have we ended up on such different wavelengths, mi amor?  I know you’re still angry, but I also believe you when you say you’re trying to understand and let it go.  I’m being as fucking honest with you as I can these days, even when the honesty is embarrassing and it hurts.  You told me that as long as I put forth an effort, we can keep trying.  Sonny, I’m trying my hardest to let you see me, to be honest in every conversation with you so you know you can trust and depend on me.  But it’s exhausting, worrying all of the time that you’re going to walk out that door.  That I’ve screwed everything up like I did with Yelina…except this time, I’ve done it with twenty more years of life experience, with someone I love twenty times as much.  Someone I can imagine building a future with.  Someone who, in some ways, is coming to know me better than I know myself…and that frightens me.

6/10

Well, we did it…I don’t know what I expected Jack McCoy to say.  Truthfully, he didn’t say much of anything, just looked the form over quickly, then asked if you were lead on any of my cases.  I told him no, and you wouldn’t be, moving forward.  He nodded, smiled that prim smile of his, and said, “Good luck, Rafael.”  Not that I won’t take it.  I feel like lately, with you, I need all the good luck I can get…to counter my own actions, anyway.

I hate that I’m clinging to you.  That my actions feel desperate, codependent in a way that isn’t healthy.  When we made love last night, you assured me that you loved me, but all I kept thinking was what an incredible man you are, and how easily I could be replaced.  With someone younger, more fit, funnier, more trusting.  Someone less cynical and old.  God, I hope when you look at me you don’t think, “He’s SO cynical and old!”.  I’m thirty-five, but sometimes I feel as though I may as well be sixty.

I pray that we don’t regret this disclosure, that hopefully it’s the only disclosure we ever make.  That this relationship is able to heal itself if we both work at it.  The lake will give us a couple of weeks to reconnect, I guess.  I’m so glad you decided to still make the trip with me.  I have a little surprise for you in the morning, and I hope you love it–it’s our means of transportation to get there.  True, it was a little beyond the budget we discussed, but I saw it and knew it would make you happy.  And honestly, there’s absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do to see those dimples.  (Okay, maybe a few things, since I’m practicing honesty here…but you get the point).  

I love you, Dominick.  I can’t decide if it’s time to give you this notebook, which is the reason I’m telling myself I’m bringing it along, or if I’m going to keep writing in it.  I try to imagine how you’ll respond if you read it all, and what I would do if you didn’t want me anymore.  It’s the reason I hide so much of myself, you know.  If you don’t know my truth, then you won’t dislike the real me so much.  But then again, as you’re so fond of pointing out, how can you love the true me if I don’t let you in to see?  I want you to see, and I want you to love me.  I’m just not sure those two aren’t mutually exclusive.

“I’m not leaving, Rafael.”  Sonny’s eyes gazed deeply into Rafael’s, and he lovingly cupped Rafael’s face.  “Never in my life have I read anything so moving, so beautiful, so truthful. ”  His thumb stroked the side of Rafael’s face.  “I love you, Rafi, and I’m so honored that you let me read that notebook.”  Leaning down, he kissed Rafael, tasting him as he gently held his face.  “Can I hold you?” Sonny asked as the kiss ended, and Rafael nodded, curling into him.  Neither said another word, and the rain slowly lulled them into sleep.

***

They made love again upon waking.

It was different, with no conversation and very few words; instead, the touches and kisses they gifted upon each other said everything needed.  Sonny allowed himself once again to go slow, to take his time, and Rafael did the same, occasionally punctuating his movements with a sigh or a soft moan.  When Sonny felt his mind moving too quickly, he opened his eyes and watched his lover, admired the physical body of the man who loved him so deeply, and he quickly lost himself again in a world that only he and Rafael inhabited.

Afterward, they lay together quietly, touching one another’s bodies lightly.  The anxiety that had been so intense between them over the last few weeks had dissipated, leaving them both peacefully content.  After a long while, as the rain began to stop, Rafael stroked Sonny’s cheek.  “You understand now how much I love you, yes? And that I’m trusting you as much as I can?” 

Sonny caught his hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing the fingers.  “I do.  And you know I’m not leaving you, right?”

Rafael’s eyes shone brightly as he nodded.  “Yes.”  Nodding past Sonny toward the large glass panels in the french doors, he merely murmured, “Look.”

Through the soft, slow sprinkling of leftover rain, an ethereal rainbow was shining across the lake.  Sonny smiled slowly, matching Rafael’s expression, then leaned over and gently kissed him.

Chapter Text

Sonny opened his eyes to the sound of what he thought was rain.  Rolling over, he realized he was alone in bed, and the shower was running.  He stretched, taking a minute to reminisce about the love and passion he and Rafael had experienced the day before.  He’d known from the beginning that he had the potential to fall head over heels for the man, and he’d been right–never before had he felt like this about anyone, and he had a hard time imagining this could happen to someone more than once in a lifetime.  He wasn’t one to believe in soulmates, necessarily, but he knew that this relationship was worth every bit of what he could give to it.

Climbing out of the bed, he decided to join his lover in the shower, and quietly opened the door.  The steam was thick, and Sonny grinned as he stepped behind Rafael in the oversized space.  Pressing a gentle kiss to Rafael’s neck, he murmured, “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Rafael responded, turning around to kiss him properly, then spread handfuls of lather on Sonny’s chest.  “I was hoping you’d make it in here before I got out.”

“Well, my boyfriend got me filthy, so I figured I needed it,” Sonny teased, as he scrubbed Rafael’s already-sudsy hair.   He eased him under the spray, helping to rinse it out.

Rafael closed his eyes for a moment to shield them from the water.  “Oh, trust me, you’re filthy enough on your own.  Don’t put this on some ‘boyfriend’.  Here, let me get your hair.”  Sonny leaned back, and Rafael massaged the shampoo into his hair, the pads of his fingers pressing firmly against the scalp until Sonny hummed happily.  “Like that, huh?” Rafael asked, as he began to rinse the soap out.

“I pretty much love anything that involves your hands,” Sonny told him.  “And your mouth,” he added, turning around with a sexy smile.  “Also, your chest.”  He reached over and tweaked a nipple.  “And your thighs…your arms…your dick, your ass, your balls–”

“Forget anything?” Rafael asked, rinsing off.

“Your feet,” Sonny replied, “but I’m not adding those to the list.”  Reaching past Rafael, he turned the water off, and followed the other man out of the shower.  

Rafael tossed him a towel, then began to dry himself off. “Don’t tell me you’re afraid of feet,” he scoffed, rubbing his head with the towel.

“Not afraid,” Sonny clarified.  “But there’s a reason feet are six feet away from your head.  Well, in your case, five feet away.”

Before he could move fast enough, Rafael snapped Sonny’s ass with his damp towel, and Sonny squealed, a high-pitch noise that startled Rafael into laughing hysterically.  “Making fun of my height when you squeal like a little girl!” he guffawed.  

Sonny chased after him, tackling him on the far side of the bed and pulling him down to the mattress as they both gasped with laughter.  Sonny’s chest was against Rafael’s back; Rafael stopped fighting and Sonny loosened his grip.  Carefully, Rafael turned around so they were chest to chest and smiled sweetly.  Sonny felt his heartbeat quicken and smiled back.

“Kiss my foot?” Rafael asked suddenly, swinging his leg up and trying to press his toes to Sonny’s cheek. He burst into hysterical giggles as Sonny rolled, away making a face. 

“You’re so gross!” he cried, grabbing his towel and wiping his face exaggeratedly.  “Now I’ve probably got athlete’s foot or something on my face!”

“Hey!” Rafael sat up.  “Do I look like some kind of athlete to YOU?”

Sonny snorted, then tossed his towel over Rafael’s head, resisting the very real urge to kiss him senseless.

***

They decided to explore a larger one of the public beaches in the area, Million Dollar beach, and Rafael insisted they pack at least three towels each to keep the seats of the Mustang as clean as possible.  “I knew there would eventually be a drawback to having this Mustang,” Sonny grumbled as he shoved a beach bag in the trunk.  “Water evaporates and sand can be vacuumed up, y’know!”

“Terrific!” Rafael replied.  “And when you sign to pay for any wear or damage on the car, then YOU can decide how many towels we take!”  He delicately laid a towel over his seat, then primly sat down and bucked in.

“Sure thing, Papi,” Sonny replied sarcastically, and Rafael raised an eyebrow at him.

“You might remember that you’re not the only one who can play daddy around here,” Rafael reminded him.  “And the papi character comes with spankings.  I’ll warm that sexy white butt right up for you– Jesus!” he hissed as they slowly passed a couple teenagers walking down the street.  They smiled and waved, and he waved back and Sonny burst into laughter.

“What was that you were sayin’ yesterday about giving kids an education?” he teased.

“Oh, hush and drive,” Rafael directed, and somehow they managed to make it to the beach without any more trouble.

They found a place to pitch their stuff in the sand, including two comfortable beach chairs and an umbrella–all borrowed from the rental they were staying in.  Sonny had packed them a cooler while Rafael had gotten together the towels, sunblock, and anything else they’d need.  After a few minutes, they were both lathered up, sitting comfortably in their chairs, each with a kindle and a beer.  “Now this is the life,” Sonny sighed happily, then turned to Rafael.  “Have I told you thank you for this vacation recently?  I know it’s still the first week, but so far, it’s been completely wonderful.  I’m loving it!”

Rafael smiled at him.  “I’m so glad.  I think it’s pretty great too.”

They both relaxed, alternating between reading and watching the sights.  There were lots of families along the beach, as well as some couples.  Kids ran back and forth, playing in the shallow water along the lake’s edge and building in the sand.  A little boy, his mother standing nearby, was sitting in the sand near the water’s edge, and every time the water lapped at his feet, he burst into giggles and waved his arms around excitedly.  Rafael chuckled, thinking of how he’d accompanied Liv and Noah to the beach last summer a couple of times.  She had wanted to take him, but didn’t want to go alone.  Noah had only been sixteen months old then, and while he didn’t have the steady gait of a preschooler, he still could move surprisingly quickly.  Liv wanted to make sure there were two adults keeping an eye on him.  Rafael had even taken Infant/Child CPR classes in order to help her feel more secure.  They’d gone a handful of times over the summer, each one a success, and he wondered if he was being replaced this year by Ed Tucker.  Glancing at Sonny, he quickly decided he didn’t care.  He’d rather be here a million times over, he thought happily.  And who knew, maybe one day he’d be accompanying Sonny to the beach with one of the kids in his family?  Lord knows, with all of the ones who showed up at Christmas for the cookie thing, certainly somebody would need Uncle Sonny at the beach at some point, he reasoned.  Then again, what if he and Sonny decided, farther along the line, to try to parent together?  Could they do that?  Suddenly, Rafael pictured Sonny and himself in the water, grinning to one another as they passed a round, chubby toddler back and forth.  Sonny would kiss the baby’s face, then pretend to “swim” it back to Rafael, who would lift the baby out of the water, up and down until the baby laughed—

“Help!” The high pitch of the scream grabbed his attention right away.  “Help!  My little girl’s in the lake!”  The toddler he’d been watching a moment ago was no longer in the sand; he was clinging to the neck of the woman who was screaming.  Just past her, out a few yards, he saw an arm go up and then down again, before a small face broke the surface of the water for a handful of  seconds.  

Rafael didn’t think; he just reacted, tearing into the water and toward the area where he’d seen the child’s face.  He was almost within arm’s reach when the earth under him disappeared and he suddenly went down, sinking completely into the darkness.  Pushing himself to the surface, he coughed for a moment, sputtering, before treading water and trying to scan for the girl.  It took a few seconds, but then he saw it–a small hand, barely visble and barely moving.  She was maybe a yard away, and he willed her not to get caught in the current…

Grabbing her by the wrist, he yanked her toward him forcefully, determined not to lose her.  Once he had a grasp on her body, he was able to pull her head above the water.  “You’re okay…you’re okay,” he gasped, maneuvering her head onto his shoulder as he began to swim back to the embankment.  He’d only gone a few feet when his leg hit the dropoff.  Using his knees, he climbed onto the sandy bottom.  As he struggled to stand, he heard his name.

Looking up, he saw Sonny taking fast, giant steps to get to him.  “Dropoff!” he shouted, and Sonny immediately slowed to a careful walk until they met.  Rafael quickly handed the child to him.  Making record time for the shore, Sonny reached it in seconds, laying the girl down and sinking onto the sand next to her.  He immediately checked for breathing and a heartbeat, then started CPR.

He was counting compressions when a teenage girl appeared, kneeling on the other side of the child.  “Compressions or breathing?” she asked. “I can do either. Ambulance is on the way.”

He looked up at her and answered, “You breathe.  I’ll do compressions.  Thirty to two, got it?”  The girl nodded, and as Sonny finished his first thirty, she breathed deeply into the child’s lungs twice.

Nothing.

Sonny started compressions again, as Rafael knelt next to him.  “I can take over if you need me to,” he said, determined this child was going to make it.  Sonny continued to count but nodded, indicating he’d heard his partner’s words; at thirty, he stopped again and the teenager breathed deeply, steadily, twice.  “Come on, honey,” Rafael muttered.  “Come on.”

Sonny started a third set of compressions, but on number eleven, there was a sudden cough, then a series of wet hacks, and the little girl turned her head and vomited lake water next to Rafael’s hand.  She coughed again before hoarsely saying, “Sorry, mister.”

“Oh my God, Haley!”  Her mother sank into the sand next to her head, crying.  The teenage girl who had been breathing motioned to the parking lot.

“They’re here…EMTs,” she said, then put a hand on the mother’s arm.  “Don’t move her, ma’am…she could still be in danger.  The EMTs need to check her out.”

Nodding furiously, the mother continued to stroke her daughter’s hair.  “You’re gonna be okay, Haley…I promise,” she murmured to the child, and Sonny and Rafael began to move out of the way of the EMTS, so they could work beside Haley.

“You okay?” Sonny asked Rafael quietly as they walked back to their chairs.  His own body was exhausted; his arms were sore and he felt like he was going to vomit himself.

Rafael nodded, then bent over and braced his hands on his knees for a minute.  He wasn’t sure if it was endorphins or anxiety, but he felt sick, too.  “I’ll be fine.  Ready to go home, though.”  Standing back up, he took in Sonny’s slightly greenish pallor.  “How are you?”

Sonny gave him a wry smile.  “Wantin’ to puke.”

“Excuse me.”  One of the EMTs approached them.  “My name is Tim Thompkins, and I’m one of the Emergency Medical Techs.  Could I get your statements really quick, about what happened?”

Sonny nodded.  “Sure.” Together, he and Rafael shared what they had observed and done as Tim took notes.  After a few minutes, he motioned to the teenager who had assisted, and she joined them, adding her own observations.

“Well,” Tim said as he finished jotting down his notes, “sounds like it was Haley’s lucky day today.  We’re taking her to the hospital to make sure she’s okay and this doesn’t develop into anything else, but we all owe you three a debt of gratitude.”

“Is there a way we can check on her later?” Sonny asked, and the girl interrupted.

“I can let you know,” she said.  “They’re staying at our family’s bed and breakfast here, just inside of town.  I’m Amy.  Amy Reid.”  All three stood quietly, watching Tim close the ambulance door.  Haley and her family were inside, and a minute later, the lights and sirens were on, heading toward the hospital.  Amy turned back to them.  “Are you guys hungry?” she asked.  “My uncle owns a restaurant just a couple blocks from here–really good seafood.”

Rafael and Sonny looked at each other.  “Still feel like puking?” Rafael asked.

“Nope,” Sonny replied.  “In fact, now I’m hungry.  Famished.”  Turning back to Amy, he explained, “We need to pack up our stuff, but then we can go.  You have an address? We can meet you there.”  

“Gimme your hand.”  Sonny stuck his hand out, and she fished around in her pocket, then clicked open her pen and wrote down an address and phone number.  “Tell them Amy sent you.”

***

And that’s how they ended up eating an early seafood dinner with Amy’s extended family on the deck of a beautiful restaurant overlooking the lake.

It had taken less than twenty minutes for them to become local heroes; by the time they made it to the restaurant, everyone on the lake was already talking about the little girl who almost drowned and the two strangers who saved her (along with the local girl from the bed and breakfast).  Neither Rafael nor Sonny had thought they’d do any more than maybe split a sandwich with the girl, talk about what had happened, and possibly get a phone number they could use to check in on Haley and her mom.  But by the time they got to the restaurant, they’d been reserved the best table on the deck, and the food and drinks kept coming all afternoon, free of charge.  At first, both of the men had felt guilty accepting any of the gifts.  “We didn’t do this to get anything for free,” Sonny explained to anyone who would listen.  “Trust me—I’m a detective in the city, and I’m supposed to do this kind of stuff.”

“You’re an NYPD detective?” one woman exclaimed.  “In that case, a shrimp cocktail on me!”

Eventually, Amy’s family had joined them a few at a time, sharing stories about the lake and its visitors.  Amy herself, at sixteen now, had always lived in Lake George, and wanted to come back after college to help run one of the family businesses.  “She can’t decide if she wants to do the Bed and Breakfast or the restaurant,” her uncle bragged proudly, patting his niece on the shoulder.  “Either one, we’ll be thrilled to keep her.  She’s smart as a whip.”

In the early evening, they got word that Haley was going to be at the hospital overnight for observation, and her mother and little brother would be staying there with her.  “I was scared she was gonna try to skip the hospital,” Amy confessed as she picked at some fruit.  “So many people don’t realize that you can die hours after nearly drowning.  I’m so glad they went.”

“I’m impressed,” Rafael admitted, nodding at her.  “You know, I didn’t learn any of that stuff until last year, when I finally took a CPR class for a friend’s child.”  Turning to Sonny, he added, “I guess there was a reason I took that after all, huh?”

“You saved somebody’s life today,” Amy interjected.  “I think that’s a pretty clear sign from the universe that your class had a purpose.”

“Good point,” he replied, and popped another shrimp into his mouth.

Chapter Text

“Good morning,” Rafael murmured into Sonny’s neck as they both shifted under the covers.  Sonny sleepily wrapped his arms around Rafael’s waist, pulling him closer.

“G’mornin’,” he replied, yawning.  “Sounds like it’s still rainin’.”

It was.  It had started raining shortly after they’d gotten home from the restaurant a few days before, and had rained steadily ever since.  They’d gone back to the restaurant the next day, getting recommendations of things to do around town on rainy days.  Amy’s uncle, Kurt, wrote out an extensive list for them, and they enjoyed a pleasant lunch with him before heading out.  They’d filled the last few days with museums and wineries, along with a handful of outlet stores and even a movie.

They’d been planning to try the kayaks out today, even if it was raining.  But once Sonny wrapped his arms around Rafael, Rafael opened his eyes and gazed into Sonny’s face and said, “This is what I want to do with you today.  Lie here in your arms.  We can talk, or sleep, or make love, or fuck each other senseless.  We can even watch TV or read…but I just want to be with you, like this.”

Sonny felt his eyes moisten.  He’d had a handful of moments since the incident on the beach where he’d burst into tears unexpectedly.  He knew, though, from previous experiences on the job, that traumatic events tended to cause him to react this way at times.  He’d tried to hide it from Rafael at first, but after it happened again last night, he’d finally explained it was the way he reacted to trauma.  Rafael had held him comfortingly, and when he was nearly asleep, he heard Rafael’s soft voice singing to him in Spanish.  Lullabies or love songs, of which he wasn’t sure, but it was deeply soothing and he quickly drifted off.

To hear Rafael say now that his idea of a perfect day was doing this, spending time doing nothing together, made Sonny feel incredibly grateful.  “I would love that,” he said honestly, then gently brushed his lips across his lover’s.

Rafael pulled Sonny closer, deepening their kiss, as his hands ran under the tank top his boyfriend was wearing. He tugged it upward and they separated briefly, allowing Rafael to remove it.  Sonny followed suit, helping Rafael remove his own shirt before they both quickly shimmied out of their boxers.  The next kiss was more needy, passionate; when they separated, Sonny melted at the words Rafael whispered in his ear.  “I’m here for whatever you need, Soleado…I’ve got you, baby.”  There was a soft nibble on his earlobe, then a suckle to his neck.

Sonny caught Rafael’s face in his hands then, and kissed him as though his own life depended on it.

***

“You look beautiful when you come,” Rafael told Sonny as they lay in one another’s arms afterward.  “You’re so damn pretty to begin with…those ice blue eyes and those damn dimples of yours.  I bet every photo your parents have from your childhood is with a dimply little boy, huh?”

Sonny stretched and smiled.  “Yeah, a lot of ‘em.  I had a pretty happy childhood, overall.”  He rolled toward Rafael and his smile softened.  “I bet you were adorable yourself as a little boy.  Probably very serious-lookin’.  Just think, if men could procreate together, we’d have a smart, cute baby with dimples…”

“Just adorkable,” Rafael teased.  When Sonny laughed, he gently bopped him on the nose.  “I love you, mi Soleado.  How are you feeling now?  Any better?”

Sonny shrugged.  “A little, I guess.  How about you, though?  You went through the same thing…if it weren’t for you, CPR wouldn’t have mattered.  But you seem so…I don’t know, strong?  Unaffected?  You haven’t mentioned it at all, outside of the restaurant when we all were talking about it.”

Rafael sighed.  “I guess I haven’t allowed myself to really think about it.  I know if I do it’ll upset me.  I was terrified I was bringing a dead child to shore.”  He stopped speaking, and they both lay quietly, listening to the raindrops on the roof.  

“She’s so damn lucky you just happened to be looking in that direction,” Sonny murmured.  “Nobody else saw her go down, or where she was, and she coulda floated anywhere.”

“I’d been watching her baby brother,” Rafael shared, remembering the little boy excited by the water.  “He was sitting in the sand, near their mother, and every time the water rolled in and touched his feet,, he would giggle and wave his arms around.  It got me thinking about Noah and Liv, and how we went to the beach last year a few times.  Then, when I heard the mother scream, I just happened to look where the baby had been sitting, and directly out behind him is where I saw her arm, then her face.  I agree that it’s some kind of miracle…”  He sighed again, then scratched his head for a minute.  “I dunno, this whole thing has made me think about if I ever have kids, they’re gonna be water babies…taking swim lessons from the time they’re allowed to enter the pool, you know?”

Sonny chuckled.  “What’s this?  Rafael Barba talking as though he might have kids one day?  When did this happen?”

Rafael gave him a playful shove as he laughed.  “Oh quit!  I told you before, it’s not like I’m determined to never have them!  Besides, I think a lot of it depends on the person you’re with…you know, if you can see yourself parenting a child together…if you can envision that kind of teamwork.”

“Teamwork,” Sonny repeated, “like the kind you need to prosecute a case with a detective and an ADA?  Or like at the lake…saving a child’s life?”  His voice took on a more serious tone, and Rafael understood he meant the question, one hundred percent.

“Yeah,” he replied seriously, “teamwork like that.”  He caught Sonny’s hand in his.  “And yeah, I think we make a good team…the kind that could consider raising children together.  Possibly. ”

 With his free hand, Sonny reached over and stroked Rafael’s cheek.

“I never told you this before,” Rafael said quietly, “but when we were in law school and fooling around together, Rita got pregnant.  And for a minute, I saw every goal I ever had disappear.  I’ll never forget it–she came over on a Sunday afternoon, and I thought we were gonna get high and have sex.  We spent a lot of Sundays doing that–kind of a break from the other six days of the week–”

“Resting like God, huh?” Sonny teased quietly, and Rafael huffed a laugh.

“Yeah, something like.  And she sits down on my bed and pulls out this stick.  I’d never seen one in person before, out of the box, you know?  And her eyes were bloodshot…she’d been crying all morning…and I remember pulling her against me and telling her it would all be okay.”  He sighed heavily.  “If you know anything about Rita, then you know she was ready to kick my nuts just for saying something so ridiculously stupid.  She went off, yelling about all sorts of shit.  I don’t even remember it all, Sonny…stuff about the patriarchy, and how men are so entitled, and it was her body and fuck me for ever even looking at her with sex in mind.  I just sat there and listened, nodding when it felt right, and at the end of it, she burst into tears again and told me she was getting an abortion.  And that was that.  I’d never been so relieved in my life.”

Sonny was playing with his hair, but his hand stilled for a second.  “Did you at least go with her?  Do you guys ever talk about it now?  I mean, I have so many questions, Rafi…”

“I went with her,” he answered, but his eyes were no longer focused on Sonny.  They were off somewhere beyond him, maybe the wall, or maybe all those years ago.  “We had to go to a clinic two hours away, and of course there were assholes screaming about how you’re killing a baby and you’re going to hell and all that.  To this day, Rita Calhoun is one of the strongest people I know, but by the time I got her inside of that clinic, she was shaking.  Visibly shaking, Sonny.  I had to fill out the paperwork for her, and after I did, she asked me if I thought she deserved to go to hell.  I told her no, of course not, but if she was, I’d be going with her.  It was an awful experience.  The entire time she was having the procedure, I couldn’t focus on anything.  I’d brought stuff to work on for school, but my mind was going a mile a minute on nothing.  I thought about her health, and what if something went wrong and I had to call her parents.  Or what if something happened and she could never have kids again?  What if this just completely emotionally fucked her up, and it was all my fault?  What if she never got past it?  But everything went how it was supposed to, and a few hours later we left, and thank God those people had cleared out by then, because I don’t think either of us was in an emotional space to handle it.”  His eyes closed for a moment, then met Sonny’s again.  “You asked if we ever talk about it.  After that, you’d think things would change, but they really didn’t much.  We stayed friends and study partners throughout law school.  But after it happened, she didn’t come to my place for awhile.  After a week or so, I got worried and went to her apartment to check on her, and we fell right back into our same old routine, but without the sex.  Neither of us said anything about it.  About a month or so later, we got high one night and started making out again.  And I stopped her, feeling like I needed to say something to acknowledge what had happened.  I mean, it would’ve been a baby, you know?  And I knew her enough to know it bothered her, a lot.  But before I got more than a sentence out, she pinned me to the bed by the shoulders and told me if I ever mentioned it again to her, it would be the last time we ever spoke to one another, much less anything else.  That was over twelve years ago, and we haven’t spoken of it since.”

Sonny was quiet, listening to Rafael recount the entire story, but it was clear from his expression that he was bothered by it.  “You’re against abortion, aren’t you?” Rafael asked him directly.  “You think we did something unforgivable.”

Sonny shook his head.  “That’s not my place to decide, Rafael,” he replied, stroking the other man’s arm.  “Plenty of folks would say what we’re doing is enough to send us to hell.  But I guess, if it were me, I’d have a really hard time with it.  How do you let that go?  How were you able to forget about it, Rafi?  Like you said, it was a child…a life.  A life you helped to create.”

Rafael gave a wry smile.  “A life that would be eleven years old right now, just starting middle school this year.  Whose birthday would’ve been just a few weeks after mine.  I’ve never forgotten it, Sonny.  While I do believe that Rita made the right decision for both of us, I’ll always wonder what that child would’ve been like, you know?  But I also know both of us well enough to know it would’ve been a disaster.  Rita’s too independent to ever get married for any reason less than being madly in love, so we would have been sending that kid back and forth between two parents who had crappy childhoods, knew nothing about parenting themselves, and didn’t want to be parents in the first place.  Two people whose dreams would have been lost in an effort to care for a kid.  I may not know a lot about parenting, but I certainly know enough that no kid deserves a setup like that.  You know how on the fence I’ve been about parenthood.  Well, let me tell you, Rita has never wanted to be a parent.  Never.  She told me that to her, the very thought of it feels like being shackled, tied down and enslaved to someone else’s will.  It’s just not for her.  And at twenty-three, it wasn’t for me either.”

“But you just said that you’re reconsidering,” Sonny replied, resting his head on his hand, elbow on the bed.  “Why is that?  Are you sure it’s something you want?  I don’t want you to just say things like that because you think it’s what I want to hear–”

“Oh yeah, I do a lot of that, telling you what you want to hear,” Rafael teased, rolling his eyes, then tickling Sonny’s stomach briefly.  “My life is completely different now, Son.  I’ve got a good career as an ADA.  I’m older and more mature, and I’m in a relationship with someone that I’m not only crazy about, but that I make a good team with.  For the first time in my life, when I think about possibly having a kid, I’m able to imagine things I could provide that would be positive.  I can actually imagine enjoying being a parent, especially with you.  You bring that out in me, Sonny.”  His smile shifted into something slightly shy, and a flush spread across his cheeks.  “I love you, and I love that I can imagine being something that I used to think was impossible.”

Sonny’s smile was bright.  “You’ve thought about us having a child together?”

Embarrassed, Rafael rolled his eyes.  “Not like all the time,” he emphasized.  “But yeah, I’ve thought about it a bit.  In the future, you know…if this keeps going so well, and we decide to firm things up into a permanent situation, then yeah, maybe.  I know how much you’ve always wanted children, and I think…I think, if we were married and stable and predictable, you know, I might want them too.  With you, though.  Not just an abstract, ‘oh, Rafael wants a kid’ kind of thing.  Just with you.  Or like, I kind of thought I could manage being a stepfather to Noah, back when I thought of Liv like that.  Part of this is probably because of Noah, too…I mean, he never acted nearly as terrified of me as I acted of him.  That kind of made me think maybe I wouldn’t be a complete disaster around kids.”

Sonny wrapped his arms around Rafael’s neck.  “You are NOT a disaster around anyone, least of all kids.  If you don’t believe me, ask Haley.  I’m pretty sure she thinks you’re a hero.”  

Rafael pulled him down for a kiss, delicately tracing Sonny’s tongue with his own.  Running his hands up and down Sonny’s back, he sighed softly, then squeezed the other man’s ass.  “I do have a question for you, though,” Rafael murmured once their lips had parted and Sonny was sucking along his shoulder. 

“Mmm…what’s that?”

“When you think of having a child…have you considered having one with me?  And if so, are you thinking about adoption?  Or is biology really important to you–like, a surrogacy option?”  Rafael waited patiently.  As much as he wanted an answer, the pleasure of Sonny suckling on his neck was quite lovely.

“Mmm,” Sonny hummed again, then finally pulled back to look at his lover.  “I guess I hadn’t really thought about how our child would come to be.  To be honest, I’ve tried not to think too much about it at all, in case it was something you decided you didn’t want.  I love you, and if I need to let go of the idea of having my own kid for us to stay together, I can do that.  You are more important to me than raising a kid.  I have lots of kids in my family, and playing Uncle Sonny has worked so far–”

Rafael raised an eyebrow.  “Are you trying to talk me out of it now?”

“No,” Sonny answered quickly.  “I don’t really know the answer, I guess.  There are so many kids who need homes, but at the same time, there’s something magical about biology, from what I’ve heard.  But if we go the surrogacy route, how do we decide who is going to be the father?  Have a doctor decide whose sperm is the healthiest?”

Rafael snickered.  “I think we want to go with the most attractive guy.  That would be you, love.”

Sonny snorted.  “Avoiding mirrors lately?  Plus you’re the Harvard grad.  I’m just lucky to share the same bed space!”

“I know!” Rafael held one finger up.  “We’ll combine our sperm into one turkey baster, and see whose swimmers are the fastest!”

Sonny reached down and tweaked a nipple as they both started laughing.  “You’re ridiculous,” he said, leaning over to kiss Rafael again.

“To be honest,” Rafael said softly as they separated from the kiss, “something about surrogacy has always bothered me…asking a woman to give up a child she’s carried for nine months just seems…I don’t know, wrong.  And there’s always the risk that she’ll change her mind.”

“It’s definitely complicated,” Sonny agreed.  “I know a girl who I went to high school with.  She’s married and has two kids, but she’s also been a surrogate for two different couples.  I always wonder how she explains it to her own kids that they’re not going to have a sibling.”

“But adoption isn’t necessarily an easy thing either,” Rafael pointed out.  “Far more people want to adopt babies than there are babies in need of adoption…although that’s more true for Caucasian babies.  How important is it to you that we have a baby of the same race, or that looks similar?”

Sonny shook his head.  “Not a bit,” he replied.  “I’d take any kid that came to me needing a dad.  I would prefer a baby, though…one that we can start with from day one.  That’s just my wish, though.  I know the need is with older children.”

Rafael smiled.  “You know, we’re talking like this is a given, and we’re not even engaged.  Does this mean we’re both considering it?  It’s been just shy of a year that we’ve been dating.  Some people date for a decade before getting married.”

“Is that what you wanna do?” Sonny asked.  “Wait for a decade?  Because I don’t.”

“You’re still young, Sonny.”  Rafael cupped his chin gently.  “You’re only twenty-six…”

Sonny’s eyes narrowed.  “And I know what I want,” he replied firmly.  “I want everything we’ve been talking about.  I’m in love with you, and have been since the first time we went out.  I want a life with you, Rafael.  I want to move in together, to build a life together.  I want to marry you when you feel ready, and expand our family when we both think it’s time.  What’s the point in waiting?  What exactly would I be waiting for?”

“You might change your mind–”

“Or you might,” Sonny interrupted.  “Or neither of us will.  Who knows?  All I know is that my heart and my soul are guiding me, telling me not to let this go.  That this is where I’m supposed to be.  And I believe it.  You make me happy, Rafael.  You complete me.”

“All right, Jerry McGuire,” Rafael chuckled, reaching up to guide Sonny’s head down for another kiss.  “You complete me too.”

Chapter Text

Rafael didn’t know when he’d felt so content.

It was a beautiful afternoon, and he and Sonny had spent the day kayaking on the lake, swimming, and overall having fun.  Around two, they’d decided they were done with the water for a bit, and chose to rinse off in the outside shower.  Rafael finished last, and once he turned off the water, he rounded the corner of the house to see Sonny relaxing in the hammock with a magazine.

“Whatcha readin’?” he asked, leaning over Sonny and kissing him gently on the lips.

“Meh, nothin’ special,” Sonny replied.  “Just one of the magazines I found inside.  You gonna get up here too?”

“Mmhmm,” Rafael hummed, trying to climb into the hammock.  Sonny grabbed him by the arm to balance him, and he swung his legs in, causing the hammock to rock violently for a moment.  They both laughed nervously, then rearranged themselves once the rocking subsided.  Rafael grabbed the dry towel that had been under Sonny’s head and tossed it over both of them, covering them from stomachs to knees.

“Hey, what the hell?” Sonny exclaimed.  “I was restin’ on that, Rafi!”

“Relax,” Rafael told him softly, kissing his chin as he slid one hand under the towel, then inside of Sonny’s trunks.  Sonny’s eyes grew large for a moment, then he let out a long sigh.  “See?” Rafael murmured, nipping his earlobe as he began to play with Sonny’s cock, “one of these days you’re just gonna trust me.”

“One of these days,” Sonny repeated, then kissed Rafael, sliding his own hand down and into Rafael’s swimsuit.  “You’re so perfect,” he whispered, and Rafael nipped at Sonny’s bottom lip.  “How are you so perfect?  Feel so perfect in my hand…thick and heavy, babe.”  Sonny could feel Rafael’s hand working him quickly, and he ran his thumb over the head of Rafael’s cock in return.  Pulling his hand out, he brought it to his own mouth, slowly sucking off the taste of his lover.

Rafael made a heavy, hoarse noise in his throat at the sight, then carefully shimmied down, twisting himself until his head was under the towel and he could slide Sonny’s cock into his mouth.  “Holy mother of–” Sonny started, then hissed as his partner engulfed him, sucking enthusiastically.  “Jesus Christ, Rafael…you better hope nobody comes along this way…fuck, fuck, fuck…I fuckin’ love you…how could I not love you…Jesus, I’m gonna love you til the day I fuckin’ die…Christ!” he whimpered, arching up, and coming into Rafael’s mouth.

Sonny was still catching his breath when Rafael emerged from under the towel, grinning ear to ear, as though he was tremendously proud of himself.  Waiting until Sonny’s attention was on him, Rafael slowly licked the last drop of semen from the corner of his mouth.  “Well, that was fun,” he remarked casually, running a thumb around one of Sonny’s nipples.  

“Never knew you had an exhibitionist streak,” Sonny said, watching Rafael get comfortable again.  “You want me to–”

“Nope.”  Rafael rested his head against Sonny’s chest.  “I wanna lay here with you like this, enjoying the breeze, possibly taking a nap.  You can make it up to me later.”

Sonny smirked then, and stroked Rafael’s back lovingly.  “Oh I will,” he replied.  “Trust me.”

They fell asleep, listening to the water lapping at the sandy shore, and when Rafael next opened his eyes, his first thought was how absolutely content he was.  A soft breeze tickled his skin, and he glanced up to see the sun through the leaves of the large trees supporting the hammock.  The water continued to make its soothing sounds, and he could feel the rise and fall of Sonny’s chest under his cheek.  If he could freeze a moment in time, he thought, he wouldn’t choose huge, monumental moments.  Instead, it would be a moment like this, where he felt completely at peace, loved beyond measure, one with the world around him.  

He hoped he would remember this for a long, long time.

***

“Can you believe it’s taken us this long to use the hot tub?” Sonny mentioned the next night as they relaxed outside.  There were fairy lights strung in the trees that they’d failed to notice the entire first week they were there; now that there were only a couple days left, they were realizing more and more all of the things they wished they’d used from the first day.  “I think we need to come back.  Like every year.”

Rafael laughed.  “Ah, so you’re planning a lucrative career in law now, are you?” he teased.  “I’ll be happy to come back next year on your dime, baby.”  He reached over and squeezed Sonny’s knee, then moved up to his thigh, repeating the motion.  

Sonny grinned at him. “Dirty old man,” he muttered as Rafael leaned over and kissed him thoroughly.  He let his own hand wander and fondled Rafael through his swim trunks.

They’d discussed skinny dipping, both in the lake and in the hot tub, but neither of them were too sure of how clean the water was in either place.  “It’d be just my luck I’d wander into a spot with leeches,” Rafael remarked, scowling.  “I’d prefer not to spend the evening pulling leeches off of either of our asses.”

That image still clearly in mind, they both opted for trunks in the hot tub.  It was hazy hot this evening, but the fairy lights made the back yard look especially romantic.  They’d gone into town and had a terrific seafood dinner at a high-end restaurant, and they’d both come home feeling particularly loving.  Rafael had turned on the fairly lights while Sonny got the hot tub running, and they’d both climbed in, sitting leg-to-leg.  “I can’t believe we leave in two days,” Rafael murmured when they finally took a break from kissing.  “With the exception of the incident with Haley, I’ve loved every minute of our time here.”  He gazed into Sonny’s eyes, a soft smile on his face.  “I’m so in love with you, mi Soleado,” he murmured.  “I’m so glad we got to have this time together, this experience…it’s honestly the best vacation I’ve ever had.”

“For me, too,” Sonny replied, kissing Rafael again softly.  “Well, one of the best…tied for best,” he clarified.  Seeing Rafael’s eyebrow suddenly shoot up, he added, “Best for adults, hands-down.  No competition whatsoever.”

“Dominick,” Rafael began, “what in this godforsaken world could you have done as a child that would possibly have topped the last two weeks?”

Looking a little guilty, Sonny stumbled on his answer.  “Uh, well…just one time when I got to go to Orlando with my baseball team for a championship…and we got to hang out at Disney and Sea World and everything, and it was just the coolest…”  Suddenly realizing he was grinning at the memory, he bit his lip.  “Yeah, great for a kid but NOTHING compared to this…this is like an adult dream come true!”  Rafael was still eyeing him critically, so he said, “You’ve gotta know, Rafi…there’s no place like Disney for a kid…didn’t you ever go, with relatives in Miami and all?”

“No,” he responded factually, “I never went.  And none of my clubs in school sponsored trips that left the state.  That’s what happens when you go to public school in the wrong borough.”

Sonny wrapped an arm around him.  “Don’t worry about it.  One day, I’ll take you there, and you’ll love it…then you’ll see why it’s as great as this vacation–I mean, almost.”

“Mi soleado,” Rafael hummed close to his ear, “stop talking.”

“Good idea,” Sonny agreed.  “How ‘bout I make that blowjob up to you now?  Wanna go inside and let me warm you up?”

“Great idea,” Rafael agreed, following Sonny out of the hot tub.

***

“You know, you’re better than you should be at that,” Rafael murmured a half hour later, and Sonny chuckled, then kissed his lover’s head.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, babe.  Making you feel good makes me happy…makes it good for me.”  He leaned over Rafael’s chest, taking his time to lick and suckle, tugging at chest hair randomly as he went.  He heard Rafael sigh, and couldn’t help but smile in response.

“Are you good or do you need me to finish you now–” Rafael started, but Sonny shook his head.

“We’re good.  C’mere.”  He rolled onto his back, and Rafael lay his head on Sonny’s chest, lightly wrapping an arm around him.  “I love you, Rafi,” Sonny murmured again.  “These last few weeks…maybe the last couple of months, I guess…they’ve made me realize how invested we both have become in this.  I mean, obviously I don’t know you inside out–”

Rafael raised his head, his green eyes meeting Sonny’s blue ones with a clear look of amusement.

“Okay, fine.  You know what I mean, though…but don’tcha think there are always gonna be things we won’t know about each other?  I mean, how long do you think two people should know each other before they do things like live together, or get married?  I know we’ve only been dating for a year, but I feel like I know you better than I know some of the friends I’ve had for years.  I may not know every single event from your past, but I know your character, Rafael.  I know who you are.   And I love who you are–with my whole heart.”

“What are you trying to say, Sonny?” Rafael asked uncertainly.  He knew what this sounded like…

“Nothing, I guess,” Sonny replied.  “Or maybe everything.  I mean, what would have to happen to make you convinced we should take the next steps here?  Move in together, get married…”

“A bigger closet, for one,” Rafael replied, grinning, but quickly sobered when Sonny didn’t smile.  “It scares me, Sonny.  I love what we have.  I love you, and I don’t want to lose any of it.  I’m so…so terrified I’m gonna do something to fuck this up permanently.  I mean, two weeks ago you were furious with me because I had kept important information from you.  Who’s to say that I won’t do something ridiculous like that again?  What if I did something stupid like that after we’re all in–after we’ve moved in and said vows and legally share the same everything–what then?  Won’t it kill both of us?  Won’t it hurt ten times as much?”

Sonny reached out, cupping Rafael’s face in both hands.  “But don’t you see, Rafi?  That already happened.  You made a mistake, just like what you’re terrified of, and we both made it through.   I was scared and angry, and you were scared and trying to fix it, and somehow, through all of that, we worked it out and ended up here, at the lake, having the best time of our lives.  If we’d avoided the things we were afraid of before this, avoided having a committed relationship and growing closer, then we would have avoided that conflict, but we would have also missed today, and yesterday…and all of the moments that have made me feel convinced that you are the person I’m supposed to spend my life with.  When Mike died, I felt completely empty.  Devoid.  You know when I felt anything again?  When I saw you.  All I felt, when I got home and held you, was how very much I love you and how fucking grateful…motherfucking grateful, Rafi…how grateful I was those threats hadn’t materialized into something more.  Because I don’t know what I would’ve done if that had happened.  All I know is, all of me wouldn’t be here anymore if you weren’t here, because you already feel like a part of me.  It’s like when we helped that little girl…working that seamlessly isn’t an accident, baby.  There’s something more going on there.  Where I end, you seem to start…please don’t laugh at me.”

But Rafael did, a light, soft laugh as his eyes sparkled with tears.  “Sorry…I’m sorry…nobody else has ever said this type of shit to me–but when you say it, I want to believe every word.  I want to suddenly believe in kismet and soulmates and you being made for me and me being made for you…Sonny, a year ago I didn’t even believe I was worth being loved. ”  He laughed again, a tear falling, and Sonny swiped it away with his thumb.  “And here you are in our bed…OUR bed!…telling me you think we should get married.  You love me and you want to get married and…and I’m so scared to say yes.”

“I know you are,” Sonny murmured, stroking Rafael’s hair.  “I know you’re terrified.  But Rafi, I’m tellin’ you…I’m choosing you.  I’ve chosen you every single day for the last year, and you’ve chosen me, too.  All we gotta do is keep choosin’ each other, every day.  Choosin’ to make each other happy…choosin’ to love one another, just how we do right now.”  He stroked Rafael’s cheek with his thumb.  “Just tell me you’ll think about it.  I can wait.  You’re worth it, a million times over, Rafael.”

“Sonny…” Rafael sighed shakily. Impulsively, he leaned in to kiss his lover.  Then he lay back down, head on Sonny’s chest, and tried to focus on Sonny’s arms wrapped around him instead of the anxiety weighing heavily inside

Chapter Text

It was nearly five in the morning when Rafael finally gave up on trying to sleep.  Quietly slipping on some shorts and a tee shirt, he stepped into his flipflops, then made his way out of the bedroom.  Tiptoeing through the rental, he left the house for the peace of the backyard, taking a seat in one of the adirondack chairs by the lake.

He’d thought about it all night nonstop…all the ways he could fuck up a marriage, ruin Sonny Carisi’s life and his ridiculously positive glow.  How if a marriage with Sonny collapsed, he’d never be able to love again.  Hell, he’d thought that with Yelina, and it had taken him until now to finally have the balls to try again. He’d told himself he would try if Liv ever paid interest, but maybe he’d only said that because he knew that she never would.  And then there had been Jacob.  Who has a love affair for five years with someone they’re not even in love with?  The kindest thing he ever did for Jacob was leave.  Rafael’s move to Manhattan had freed the other man to get what he really wanted–marriage and a family.

Jacob.  He’d probably laugh his ass off if he could see Rafael right now, twisting and turning over the thought of getting married to someone he was head over heels for.  He wondered, now, if Jacob had really believed that Rafael was capable of being a married man, or if he was just living in a fantasy world of his own making.  He knew from his mother that Jacob and his husband were doing well and had adopted a child together.  Jacob had always adored Lucia, and she had felt the same, so Rafael hadn’t been that surprised when Jacob had sent her an adoption announcement awhile back.

“What’s this?” Rafael asked, pulling a card-sized announcement off of his mother’s refrigerator.  It was a picture of a smiling baby, and next to the photo, printed in silver, it said, “The Wait is Over!  Dax Lowell has officially joined the Kennedy-Jameson family!”

“You don’t recognize your ex’s style when you see it?” his mother asked.  “Jacob and his husband adopted a baby.”  She took the announcement out of his hands and hung it back on the refrigerator, straightening it neatly, then moving back to the dishes she was washing.  “And he’s adorable.  They had a ‘Welcome Home’ party for little Dax.  He’s absolutely perfect.”

“I didn’t realize Jacob was moving that fast,” Rafael replied, shrugging his shoulders.  “I mean, didn’t he and that guy what’s-his-name just get married?”

Lucia raised an eyebrow at him.  “I believe you mean Russell.  And they’ve been married for over a year, Rafael.  Jacob is very happy, and now he has everything he wanted–”

“Well, good for him,” Rafael told her, acting as though he couldn’t care less.

“You know, you could have had all of that.  That boy was in love with you, Rafi.  He would have done anything you wanted, as long as it meant he could marry you and have a child.  But you were so determined to focus on your career.”  She shook her head, as though she couldn’t begin to fathom his choices. 

“Maybe it’s like I always told you.  Maybe I don’t want to be a father.  And maybe my career doesn’t really allow for relationships that take a lot of time,” he argued, crossing his arms.

“Anything valuable is going to take time, papi,” she replied, and gave him a long look, as though she felt sorry for him.  He squirmed uncomfortably.  “Here, make yourself useful.  Put your mami’s glasses away.”  Handing him her flute glasses, he obediently stood and put them on the top shelf.

Holding the phone in his hand, he stared at it for a moment, thinking, then dialed the number on his mind.

It rang…and rang.  On the fourth ring, his thumb was hovering over the end call button when a man answered.  “Hello?”

“Jacob.”

“Yeah…is this Rafael?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” he replied, suddenly feeling like a complete and utter fool.  What in the hell had motivated him to call someone he hadn’t spoken to in over five years?

“How are you doing, Rafi?” he asked, and Rafael found himself stunned that the man actually sounded interested in talking to him.  At five in the morning, after five years, for no apparent reason at all.

“Okay, I guess,” he replied.  “Actually, um…I’m doing really well.”  

The sound of an infant’s cry through the phone interrupted him momentarily.  “It’s all right, love,” he heard Jacob coo softly.  “Sorry, Rafi…that’s my new baby.  I don’t know if Lucia told you or not, but we recently adopted a little boy.  Keeps us on the move more than ever,” he chuckled, and Rafael felt himself smile.

“I saw the announcement.  Congratulations, Jacob.  I heard he's a beautiful little baby,” he responded, and set his phone on speaker so he could move it away from his ear.

“He is,” Jacob confirmed.  “He’s absolutely perfect, but he’s not why you called at five in the morning.  What’s up?”

Rafael chuckled nervously.  “I’m seeing someone, and it’s serious.  We’ve just been talking about the future and all…about marriage, maybe even starting a family…and it was fine when we were talking about it abstractly, but when we started to talk about it realistically, I…”  He stopped speaking, feeling as though the words froze in his throat.

“Are you in love with him?” Jacob asked.

Rafael closed his eyes.  “Yes,” he admitted.  “Hopelessly.  In a way I never thought was possible for me.”

There was a brief pause, and Rafael heard the baby begin to babble in the background before Jacob spoke again.  “What are you afraid of?”

“I’m afraid of ruining it, Jacob.  I don’t know how to do any of this right.  He’s such an amazing man, and he deserves every perfect, wonderful thing in this world–”

“And Rafi,” Jacob interrupted quietly, “what about you?  What do you deserve?”

Rafael stood still, mouth still open.  What did he deserve?  “I don’t know,” he uttered softly.  

“And that’s a problem,” Jacob replied gently.  “You’ve been listening to the voices of a lot of other people since you were a kid, telling you what you deserved, and a lot of it wasn’t so nice.  But until you are able to realize for yourself that you, Rafael Barba, are deserving of love, you’re going to have a hard time accepting it.  And the flip side of that is that you, Rafi, are not the sole cause of all that goes wrong in your relationships.  I know you probably will have a hard time taking this in, but it isn’t only your fault that we didn’t work out.  We wanted different things from the beginning, and we both knew that.”

“I let you believe I was in love with you,” Rafael murmured.

Jacob sighed.  “Rafi, come on.  You really think I was so oblivious that it took me five years to realize my lover wasn’t IN love with me? Give me a little credit.  I knew the last two years that we should have called it off.  I just didn’t have the courage to, any more than you did.  And I’m so grateful every day that you had the balls to go to Manhattan like you did.  We would have made each other miserable.”

“That’s what I’m scared of, Jacob.”  Rafael closed his eyes.  “What if I wake up one morning and realize I’m not in love anymore?”

Jacob chuckled again.  “Look, honey, Russell has taught me something important.  Relationships are kind of like plants.  If you want them to continue to grow, then you gotta take care of ‘em.  You have to make sure they get some sun and some water, give them room to breathe and grow, and every once in awhile prune them back gently.  I really believe that you and me? We fell out of love because we were so focused on other parts of our lives…particularly work.  And neither of us knew how to put back into our relationship as much as we were taking out.  See?  There’s another comparison…it’s like a bank–”

“Yeah, I think I got it.”  Rafael let out a chuckle of his own, and Jacob joined in.  “You really think I could do this…could marry this man and make it work?”

“Are you kidding?” Jacob teased.  “You’re Rafael Fucking Barba!  You can do anything!”  At that, they both laughed for a long minute, then, soberly, Jacob said, “Yes, Rafi.  Of course I do.”

“Thank you for talking with me,” Rafael said then, just as the baby on the other end began to squeal happily.  “Sounds like you’ve got your hands full, but I really do appreciate it.”

“Yeah, Dax is ready for his day,” Jacob replied, and Rafael could hear the pride in his voice.  “I’m glad you called, Rafael.  I’ll be wishing you the best.  By the way, what is this other man’s name?  I never asked.”

“Dominick,” Rafael replied, and the name sounded dreamy on his tongue.  “Dominick Carisi, Jr.”

“Well, Dax, Russell, and I wish you and Dominick the very best,” Jacob told him.  “Take care of yourself, Rafi.”

“I will, and you do the same.  Thanks, Jacob.”  Impulsively he called, “Bye Dax!” and was rewarded with a loud squeal, followed by an adult laugh, then the call ended.

Rafael relaxed in the adirondack chair, watching the sun slowly come up over the lake, and smiled.

***

“How are you feeling, Haley?” Sonny asked, taking a seat on his blanket in the sand next to the little girl and her brother.  She was digging happily as Taylor patted and played alongside.  Sonny  and Rafael had slept late in the morning, and gone to the public beach at the lake for an afternoon swim.  Haley was there, along with her mom Brianna and the baby, Taylor.  Both men were glad to run into them–they’d been wanting an update on how the family was doing.

“I’m good,” Haley told him, grinning.  “Can you get some water for me, Mistuh Sonny?  I need to stir it up with the sand.”

“Sure thing,” he replied, getting up and heading to the water, shooting a smile over his shoulder at Rafael, who was sitting with Haley’s mom.

“We’re just so glad that she’s doing okay,” Rafael said.  “I can’t imagine how afraid you must’ve been that day.”

Brianna, Haley’s mother, shook her head.  “I’ve never been so terrified,” she admitted.  “I thought I had lost her, and then I saw you pulling her out, and her lips were blue…and then Sonny and Amy started working on her.  It was like a miracle.  I don’t know how she went down like that–she’s had swim lessons, and we never let her out beyond her waist.  In fact, I’d just seen her seconds before, and she was fine.”

“There was a dropoff,” Rafael recalled.  “She couldn’t have seen it.  It got me, too, when I went to get her.  One second I was standing there and the next there was nothing.”  Glancing at baby Taylor, he added, “I think you’re brave as hell to bring them back.”

She shook her head.  “I didn’t want to, at first, but everyone said it’s best to do it right now, so they don’t develop a fear of water or the beach, you know?  And as scared as I am, I don’t want them to be scared.  Haley has always loved the water, and so does Taylor.”  She glanced at Rafael then.  “Do you and Sonny have any children?”

Rafael laughed.  “Uh, no…no, we’re just, uh…well, we’re talking about what we want…if we’re ready for marriage and all.”

Her eyes grew large.  “You’re not married?  I guess I just assumed…you guys are so comfortable with one another.”

Rafael shook his head.  “No.  But I think we’re both leaning toward doing it.”

Brianna was quiet for a minute.  “There’s a wonderful small jewelry store in town.  Padma’s.  The woman in there is an artisan and makes the jewelry herself.  Beautiful stuff, very unique, and she makes custom pieces, too.  My wife bought me this piece last  year.”  She held out her right hand, displaying a gorgeous ring on her index finger.  “It’s black onyx, and Padma created the setting.  Carrie said when she saw it, she had to get it immediately.”

“It’s stunning,” Rafael remarked, examining the ring.  The onyx shone in the sunlight, and had a beautiful gold setting.  

“We come here every year, but this year, Carrie’s dad is sick, and we decided she should spend vacation with her parents, because he may not be here much longer.  It’s been hard for all of us, but wearing this helps me feel that she’s closer.”  She admired the ring for a moment.  “You should go and tell Padma I sent you.  She’ll help you find something perfect for Sonny.”

Rafael turned to look at his significant other, who was now helping Haley build a moat around her castle. His silver hair glistened in the sunlight, and there was a warm rosy-brown glow to his normally fair skin. “Thanks, Brianna,” Rafael replied, still caught up in the beauty that was Sonny.  A smile crept onto his face.  “I just may do that.”

***

“Well, tomorrow is it,” Sonny commented that evening as they got ready for bed.  “Our last full day, then we drive back.  Are you ready?”

“Hell, no!” Rafael told him.  “Are you?”

Sonny snorted.  “Are you kidding?  We could live here year-round and I’d be thrilled…as long as I don’t have to save any more kids from drowning.”  He sat hard on the bed, bouncing up and down only in his boxers, as Rafael grinned at him.

“You’re so ridiculous,” he told Sonny.  “Why are you even wearing those?”

“Because I was gonna bounce on the bed, and I needed to protect my man parts,” Sonny explained, as though he were completely logical, and Rafael burst into laughter.  He climbed onto the bed and quickly pinned Sonny down, a knee beside each of Sonny’s hips and a hand on each of his wrists.  “What d’ya think you’re doing?” Sonny teased.  Thrusting his hips up, he asked, “You wanna ride?”

“Fuck yes,” Rafael said enthusiastically, then leaned down and kissed Sonny deeply, tangling their tongues and tasting his lover thoroughly.  As they kissed, Rafael slowly lowered himself until their groins touched, and he ground himself into Sonny until they both were stiff and wanting.  Rafael slowed himself down, taking his time with Sonny’s neck, down his chest, before circling a nipple and sucking it into his mouth.  Sonny’s hands moved slowly from Rafael’s back, tracing his spine with light fingers before sliding his hands into Rafael’s boxer briefs and squeezing.

“I love you,” Rafael murmured, biting Sonny’s ear until he gasped, then sucking on the bite.  At that, Sonny squeezed each ass cheek, then strummed his fingers along Rafael’s crack until the man let out a soft moan.  “Want you.”

“Mmhmm,” Sonny replied, yanking down his boyfriend’s boxers, then reaching onto the nightstand and grabbing the lube.  “Gonna make you feel good, baby,” he promised, then caught Rafael’s chin with his hand.  “Take those off,” he directed, motioning to the boxers still caught on Rafael’s thighs.  They both quickly stripped, then, grinning at each other, got back into position.  Sonny squeezed a healthy amount of lube onto his fingers, then began to prep Rafael, as Rafael continued to stroke and kiss his lover.  Sonny tasted of soap and sweat, his very own unique flavor, and Rafael thought he could never tire of it.  “Feel good, baby?” Sonny whispered as he scissored two fingers inside him, and Rafael hummed an “mmhmm” as  he sucked a small purple mark on Sonny’s upper belly.  “Can’t wait to be inside you…you’re always so perfect for me…wanna feel you, Rafi…” 

As Rafael felt Sonny’s fingers ease from his body, he slid down on the bed far enough to capture his boyfriend’s cock in his mouth.  Sonny hissed in surprise, and Rafael took him in deep, until his nose tapped Sonny’s pubic bone.  Sucking long and hard as his hands fondled Sonny’s balls, Rafael continued until he heard a telltale moan leave his lover’s throat; knowing Sonny was ready, he let go, then quickly grabbed a condom from the nightstand and straddled him.  Tearing the packet open, he slid it over Sonny’s erection with practiced ease.

Sonny, gasping, helped to guide himself into Rafael, and for his part, Rafael sank down fully until they both groaned aloud.  “Fuck,” Sonny moaned a second later, and Rafael couldn’t help but huff out a laugh.

“You’re doing an awful lot of talking tonight, you know,” he teased, bracing his hands on Sonny’s shoulders and pulling himself forward.  Slowly, he propelled his body back down until Sonny was completely inside of him.  Pleasure engulfed the center of his body and spread outward to every limb, and he leisurely rocked forward again, until only the tip of his lover remained inside, before rocking back.

Sonny grasped his hips firmly, but then loosened his grip to drag his hands up Rafael’s sides, nearly fondling nipples with his thumbs before dragging them back to the man’s hips.  After a couple tracks up and down his lover’s torso, he tightly grabbed onto Rafael.  “Don’t tease,” he muttered as Rafael continued his slow-paced movements.  “You know you want more than that.”

Once again, Rafael sank fully onto him, then smirked.  “Do I?” he asked innocently, raising himself up again a handful of inches.

“Yes,” Sonny replied, gritting his teeth and forcefully pulling Rafael down quickly as he himself thrust upward.

“Jesus!” Rafael cried out, and Sonny felt his lover’s hands tighten on his shoulders as he guided the man up quickly, then back down even faster.  “Fuck yes…fuck, Sonny…” he gasped, letting Sonny manipulate them both into a fast, desperate rhythm.  Sonny’s hips continued to snap upward to meet Rafael’s every downward stroke; Rafael lowered his head, gasping and whimpering as they both drew closer.  “Yes…yeah, yes…I love you…need you…”

“Say it again,” Sonny demanded, voice gruff, ice blue eyes staring into Rafael’s.  “Say you want me…need me…love me–”

“You.”  Rafael forced himself upward, gripping Sonny’s shoulders, so he could more easily see and kiss his lover’s face.  Their noses were hardly an inch apart, and Rafael felt the sweat from his body dripping onto the man underneath him.  “You, Soleado…always you, only you…I want you…want you forever…oh God!”  As Sonny managed a particularly pleasurable thrust, Rafael felt himself keening along the edge of orgasm, barely holding on. Then, as Sonny grabbed his cock and jerked him roughly, his entire body was engulfed in pleasure.  Rafael groaned; Sonny watched. entranced, as his lover’s semen landed on his chest in a mixture of long strands and shorter rivulets. 

Rafael barely caught himself before collapsing on top of his lover, his forehead coming to rest on the pillow next to Sonny’s ear.  Grabbing Rafael’s hips firmly one more time, Sonny thrust repeatedly, quickly, and Rafael murmured into his ear, “That’s right, baby.  Give it to me just like that…I love it with you…always so good with you…fuck, Sonny–”

When he came, Sonny cried out loudly, a sweet, high pitched sound that Rafael had never heard from him before.  Then his body stilled, and when Rafael moved to look at him, his eyes were still closed.  Carefully, he eased himself off of his lover, then kissed his forehead.  “I love you,” he murmured, climbing off the bed and then working deftly to remove the condom Sonny was still wearing.  “I’ll be right back.”

When he returned with a warm washcloth, Sonny was still lying in the same position, but his eyes were open.  “You okay?” Rafael laughed softly, beginning to wash the fluids from his skin.

“Fuck me, Rafi,” he groaned.  “Holy fuck.”

“I believe I just did,” Rafael teased him, and Sonny huffed an exhausted laugh.  “So I guess it was good for you, then?”

Sonny’s eyes were glowing. “I swear to God, Rafael…you’re it for me.  I don’t think I could possibly want anything more than what we have.  I know I’m only twenty-six, like you said, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know when I’m happy.”  He reached over, brushing Rafael’s sweaty bangs away from his forehead.  “And I’m happy.  Blissfully so.”

“You’ve been listening to the voices of a lot of other people since you were a kid, telling you what you deserved, and a lot of it wasn’t so nice.  But until you are able to realize for yourself that you, Rafael Barba, are deserving of love, you’re going to have a hard time accepting it.”  

Rafael caught Sonny’s hand and kissed it.  “You deserve that happiness,” he murmured, a soft smile on his lips, “and so do I.”

Sonny returned his smile.  “I love you, Rafael.”

Chapter Text

A bell, attached to the door, tinkled as Rafael entered the shop the next morning.  He’d left Sonny at home, reading and packing, telling him he had an errand he needed to take care of.  The other man had smiled, kissed him, and sent him on his way.  Rafael initially worried he would know something was up, but if he did, he didn’t let on.

“Good morning!” An older woman appearing to be of Middle Eastern descent greeted him warmly.  “How can I help you today?”

“Hi,” he responded, smiling nervously.  “I am looking for an engagement ring for my boyfriend, and someone I know—Brianna Cortez, she said you’d know her–sent me to see you–”

“Yes!” The woman’s eyes lit up.  “Actually, I think she sent you to see my daughter, Padma…she’s the one who designs and creates all of the pieces…Padma!” she called into the back, and a minute later a young woman covered in tattoos and piercings appeared.  She was wearing a navy blue tank and torn jeans, but smiled when she saw him.

“Are you Rafael?” she asked, and as he nodded, she continued.  “I’m Padma.  Brianna called and told me to expect you.  This is my mother, Hala.”  She smiled at the other woman, then said something quietly in what he thought was Arabic, and Hala nodded, then stepped into the back.  

“I’m looking for an engagement ring for my boyfriend,” Rafael explained again, but Padma was already pulling a tray onto the counter with several different rings on it.

“Brianna told me you were coming, and she told me about both you and Sonny, and what you did for Haley.  I do a variety of work…my own designs, of course, but I also do custom work where you and I would work together to create a design you thought was representative of your love for Sonny.  We could still do that, long distance if you like, but I thought I’d show you these first.”  She spread the rings out on the tray.

Rafael’s heart began to hammer with excitement.  There were a half-dozen rings on the tray, each made of different materials with different settings and stones.  “You may want to keep in mind the kind of wedding rings that you tend to like, as well,” she advised.  “For example, most men don’t want to invest in a black Zirconium ring for engagement if they’re planning on gold bands for the wedding, if they’re planning to wear the rings together.  Know what I mean?”

“Yeah,” he nodded.  “Sorry…I just…”  He paused, trying to get his thoughts straight.  “They’re just so beautiful.  I never imagined they’d be so beautiful.”

She smiled.  “They’re each unique, completely handcrafted here in my studio.  And if you choose an engagement ring and would like to make it a set for the wedding, I can do that.”

Rafael picked up a silver ring with a stone the color of Sonny’s eyes.  “Tell me about this one.”

“It’s a rose gold and Tungsten ring–that’s brushed Tungsten in the middle, and rose gold on either side of it, plus on the inside of the ring.  The stone is blue topaz, but I can replace it if you’d like–”

“No,” Rafael said quickly, then glanced up and chuckled.  “It’s the color of his eyes.  They’re this amazing icy blue that I’ve never seen anywhere else.  This is perfect.”  Suddenly he looked panicked.  “I don’t know what size he wears.  How do I get it sized if I don’t know what size he wears?”

Padma smiled, and he could tell she was amused by his freakout.  “Normally, I would tell you to swipe another ring of his and we’d size it.  But since you don’t have the luxury of time, I would suggest one of two things:  you either take it with you, and after you’ve proposed and he accepts it, take it to a jeweler in the city to have it sized, or you leave it here with me now and once you know the right size, contact me.  I’ll size it and send it to you overnight.  Unfortunately, I can’t stand by the warranty to accept it back if another jeweler has altered it in any way.”

Rafael gently slid the ring onto his own ring finger, noting that it stopped just after his knuckle.  Sonny’s fingers were narrower than his; it may be the right size now, he thought to himself.  “I’m going to take it,” he decided slowly.  “It’s perfect for him, and I don’t want anyone else getting it. To be honest, I’ve never seen him wear another ring, so I may have to bring him with me to get it sized.”

Padma nodded.  “Good choice, then.”  She took the tray and disappeared into the back again; when she returned, she had a small velvet box, and Hala was following her.  “My mother will ring you up, and I’ll get it ready to go,” she told him then, and he handed her the ring and stepped over to the register. 

“I have to tell you, that ring is one of my favorites,” Hala confided as she punched some numbers into the register.  “Yours is a lucky love that will be wearing such a beautiful piece.”

Rafael chuckled.  “Yeah, I think he’s pretty lucky.  He should remember that,” he joked, and Hala laughed.  

“All right, Mr. Rafael, your total today is going to be three hundred and nineteen dollars, forty-two cents,” she informed him.  

He slowly pulled out his card.  He knew he’d seen the price on the ring, and it was over five hundred dollars.  Three hundred couldn’t be right.  He glanced at Padma, who was finishing up the beautiful package, and he stopped.  “Um, I think there might’ve been a mistake,” he stated, not wanting to embarrass Hala.  “I believe the ring was priced at five forty-nine…that’s what the tag had said…”

Hala looked at her daughter, seemingly confused, and Padma turned to hand Rafael the package.  “Oh, there’s a discount on Saturdays,” she said, handing the bag to him.  “I give a discount on Saturdays to men who save little girls’ lives.”

Rafael’s mouth hung open.  “I…I can’t,” he said, feeling horribly guilty.  “I can’t accept this.  We helped Haley because we could, and it was the right thing to do.  You’re a small business, and–”

“And I’m doing well,” Padma interrupted him.  “And Brianna sends me good business, and it makes me feel good to do this for two really good people who did something amazing. The price of the ring is exactly what my mom said–three hundred something, something.  Now are you gonna pay or what?”

Blushing and chuckling, Rafael handed his credit card to Hala.  “Thank you ladies,” he said, nodding at each of them.  “Thank you very, very much.”

“One more thing,” Padma told him, holding up her index finger.  “I want pictures of your beloved wearing that ring.  Yes?”

“You got it,” he replied, carrying the bag and heading toward the door, a huge smile on his face.  Stepping out into the midday sun, Rafael couldn’t wait to get home.

***

“Last chance,” Sonny teased as they floated in the water that evening.  “You know you’ve always wanted to.”

“You’re assuming an awful lot to think that I never have,” Rafael retorted, raising an eyebrow.  His arms were loosely around Sonny’s neck, and he fought the urge to wrap his legs around his waist, too.  The water was warm and comfortable, and the yard’s fairy lights helped to provide just enough light for them to see one another.

Sonny grinned.  “You never have with ME,” he specified, winking.  “Nobody else really counts, if you haven’t done it with me.”

Rafael rolled his eyes.  “Oh, so you’re some kind of expert?  I’m sure that says a lot about you.”

“Not an expert,” he clarified.  “Definitely NOT an expert…but experienced enough to make it worth your while, anyway…”

Rafael let go of his shoulders, swimming a few feet back.  “You talk too much, you know that, Carisi?”

“What’s this Carisi business?  Whenever you get annoyed, it’s automatically back to ‘Carisi’.  What’s wrong, Rafael?  Can’t think of one of your sarcastic, quick retorts to put me in my place?”  Sonny winked at him.  “Don’t worry, baby.  I still love you anyway!”

“Really?” Rafael asked flirtatiously, then pulled his trunks out of the water in one hand and lobbed them full-force at Sonny’s head.

Sonny’s eyes flew wide open as he caught them.  “Holy shit!” he whispered loudly, a huge grin on his face, then swam toward the dock.  Laying Rafael’s trunks on the wooden boards, he did an odd-looking wiggle in the water, then discarded his own swim trunks next to Rafael’s.  “Oh, you naughty naked man,” he snickered to himself.  

“I’m comin’ for ya!” he announced, turning around, but he saw nothing.  “Rafi?” Sonny called, nervously shoving the memory of Haley down and focusing on the water.  Scanning the lake, he yelled louder.  “Rafael!”

“Boo!” Rafael popped up just inches away from Sonny’s side, and Sonny laughed in humor and relief.

“You bastard,” he huffed, “I thought for a second you’d gone under!”

The delighted grin quickly disappeared from his lover’s face.  “I’m sorry,” Rafael apologized, sounding appropriately remorseful.  “I didn’t mean to scare you.”  Reaching up, he wrapped his arms back around Sonny’s neck, bringing their bodies close.  He gently rubbed at the back of the other man’s head, easing it down, until they were both kissing sweetly.  “I love you, you gangly giraffe,” he murmured, giggling softly, lips just a hair’s width apart from Sonny’s.

“Giraffe,” Sonny repeated, chuckling, as they bobbed in the water together.  “What does that make you?  Short little man who’s always climbing on me like I’m some kinda tree…”

“Nah,” Rafael shook his head. “I don’t think so.  I’ll tell you what, though…you smell like a eucalyptus plant. What, did you bathe in that stuff today?” He wrinkled his nose.  “Geez…now if we have sex I’m gonna smell like my abuelita!”

“It’s in my homeopathic lotion I picked up,” Sonny told him as Rafael wrapped his legs around him.  Now he was comfortably balanced, and Sonny reached down to cup his ass with both hands.  “It’s good for you, babe.  Supposed to relax ya, decrease pain, all that good stuff.”

“If you say so,” Rafael responded, kissing Sonny’s ear. He could feel himself starting to stiffen, and hoped he could turn this moment into something more romantic.  But as he began to nibble on his lover’s earlobe, Sonny burst into laughter. 

 “Ooh, that tickles,” he giggled.  “I’ve got it, Rafi! You’re a damn koala! That’s it!”  

“Pardon?”

“You’re a fuckin’ koala bear, babe!  Climbin’ up your eucalyptus tree and munchin’ on me!”  Sonny let out a belly laugh, causing both of their bodies to shake, and Rafael let his legs drop from Sonny’s waist.

“Again with the comedy,” he retorted irritably, pushing away in the water.  “Take it on the road.  I am NOT a fucking koala bear!  I am a Harvard-educated Assistant District Attorney in the borough of Manhattan.  I do NOT climb trees and munch leaves!”

Sonny watched him, eyes twinkling, until he realized that Rafael’s frown wasn’t going away.  He sighed for a moment, then swam up to him, slowly wrapping his arms around Rafael’s back.  “I love my Harvard-educated, ADA in Manhattan boyfriend,” he murmured, squeezing Rafael’s ass one more time.  “And he better not forget it.” Placing a kiss at the corner of Rafael’s mouth, he added, “Ever.”

A slight smile of satisfaction came over Rafael’s face.  “Trust me,” he murmured, nipping at Sonny’s jaw, “he won’t.”

***

“Take me home, country road,” Sonny belted out, as Rafael tried to focus on the book he was listening to through his earphones.  They were about an hour outside of the city, enjoying their last bit of time in the mustang.  “Hey!” Sonny nudged him, and he took off his earphones.  “You wanna stop again?”  He motioned to the Starbucks road sign for the upcoming exit, and Rafael nodded.

“Of course I do.  Have you ever known me to pass on caffeine?”  He grinned, and Sonny rolled his eyes.

Taking the next exit, Sonny easily found the Starbucks and pulled into the line at the drive thru.  “Hey, I’m gonna run inside real quick,” Rafael told him last minute, and Sonny sighed, but waved him off.

“Don’t get hit by a car getting out!” he called, and Rafael resisted the strong urge to give him the one-finger salute.

Left to his own devices, Sonny ordered a variety of items, each sounding better than the last, almost forgetting Rafael’s espresso.  “Oh, one more–lemme get a venti caramel latte with a quad shot and an extra shot of caramel,” he added, nearly cursing when he saw the price come up on the board.  “This man is why you won’t be able to afford nice things, Carisi,” he muttered to himself, then passed over his credit card. 

Once he’d paid and collected the order, he pulled to the front and parked in one of the spots.  “Where the hell did he go?” he said aloud, forgetting he was in a convertible with the top down.  “How long does it take to take a piss?  He better not be buyin’ more coffee in there after I just spent seven bucks on this monstrosity—” As he turned to his side, waving at the coffee he’d just placed in the cupholder, he noticed the car next to his–with its windows down and its young passengers wide-eyed and watching him.  Sonny waved and smiled, biting his tongue.  Great!  Now I look like the crazy one, sitting here with forty bucks’ worth of Starbucks crap and talking to myself about takin’ a whizz!

He was still grumbling silently to himself when Rafael hopped into the car.  “Hey,” he greeted, breathless.  “I got you something.”

“Oh really?” Sonny replied irritably.  “Funny.  I got YOU something, too.”  He motioned to the large latte and the bag of goodies, and Rafael’s face lit up as though it were Christmas.

“Terrific!  That’ll get us home.  Thanks!”  He reached into the bag in his lap and grabbed an item from inside it.  Pausing, he examined it briefly, then, seemingly pleased with what he was holding, started to pull it out.  “I wanted to apologize to you about last night in the lake…when I got pissy about the whole koala thing,” he said, the item still in the bag.

Sonny nodded in the direction of the car next to them.  Two of the three teens were still watching.  “Yeah, well, make it G-rated.”

Rafael glanced at them, smiled, then turned back to Sonny, and as if on cue, their young audience started their car and left the parking lot.  “Yeah, we’re good,” he noted, then pulled it out and handed it over with a grin.  “I want you to have this.”

Sonny took it.  It was a greeting card, with a cartoon of a koala clinging for dear life to a giraffe’s long neck.  It read, “The koala held on tight because of love–and a crippling fear of heights (but mainly because of love)”.  Sonny huffed a laugh, but almost immediately felt his chest tighten and his eyes begin to tear.  “I’m so terrified I’m gonna do something to fuck this up permanently,” Rafael had told him just a handful of days ago.  “I love what we have.  I want to believe in kismet and soulmates because of you.”   He reached up to dab at his eye.

This beautiful man was in love with him, and the knowledge of it suddenly took his breath away, humbled him, made his heart ache with want.  Gazing into Rafael’s hopeful expression, he smiled.  “I love you too, Rafi.  So much more than I can say.”  He reached over and lovingly embraced him.

“I love you, too, Sonny.  Siempre, mi amor,” he whispered, feeling Sonny kiss his cheek.  Pulling back, he said, “Oh, you wanna see what I got for myself?”

“Sure,” Sonny sighed, grabbing a napkin and wiping his tears.  “Then we need to hit the road.”

“Right, right.”  Rafael pulled out a spiral bound notebook.  “I figured you could keep C-3P0 now, and I’d start with a new one.  See?”  The cover had multiple animated giraffes all over it, and it said in all capital letters, “I JUST REALLY LIKE GIRAFFES, OK?”

As Sonny burst into laughter, Rafael beamed at him.  “Well, I do,” Rafael said proudly.  “And now you can hit the road.”

“Promise me we’ll take another vacation soon,” Sonny requested, wiping a tear from his eye as they pulled onto the highway.

“Don’t wreck the mustang, and you got it,” Rafael agreed, adjusting his sunglasses, and tuning the radio to Queen’s Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

“There goes my baby

He knows how to rock n roll

He drives me crazy

He gives me hot and cold fever

He leaves me in a cool cool sweat…

Gotta be cool, relax

Get hip, and get on my tracks

Take a back seat, hitchhike

And take a long ride on my motorbike

Until I’m ready (ready Freddy)

Crazy little thing called love.”

Chapter Text

“Rafi,” Sonny called from the front room, “you almost ready?”

Rafael tucked the ring box inside of his shorts pocket and took one final look in the mirror.  “It’s now or never,” he muttered to himself, then called out, “Yes…coming!”

It had taken him what had seemed like a nonstop, 24 hour brainstorming session to figure out the obvious.  They’d go to Central Park, rent a rowboat to bring back memories of the lake, and once they were out on the water, he’d propose. They’d only been back for a week, so their time on the lake would be fresh in Sonny’s mind.

 Rafael had written down exactly what he wanted to say, memorized it back and forth, and was ready. Ironically, Sonny mentioned going to the park before he did–probably because they’d only picknicked there once before, and had such a great time–so they both agreed a picnic and boat ride on Saturday afternoon would be perfect.

“Hey,” Rafael greeted Sonny, who was by the door with a blanket and the picnic basket.  He was wearing a casual pair of dark denim shorts and a light blue tee shirt that brought out his eyes.  Remember the blue topaz in the ring he was carrying, Rafael grinned.  “You look handsome.”  He leaned up and kissed his lover.

“You, too, babe,” Sonny noted, checking him out.  Rafael had taken time to make sure he picked the shorts that Sonny loved for him to wear–a light pair of cream-colored chinos that hugged his ass just right, and a pink polo with it.  He’d left the buttons undone, giving just a peek of his chest hair and the crucifix he always wore, and Sonny’s eyes lingered on his neck for a long second.  “Ready?”

“Of course.  Want me to carry anything?”

“Here, why don’t you take the blanket?”  He handed it to Rafael, and Rafael draped it over his shoulder.  Then they were off.

It was a beautiful July day; hotter than was comfortable, but the humidity was low and the sky was clear.  “Just think, if we were at Lake George, we’d be in the lake right now,” Sonny remarked, and Rafael agreed.

“That was an awesome vacation, and we need to do it again sometime.”  They neared the lake in Central Park, and Rafael felt his heart begin to beat more quickly.  This was it…in a little bit he’d be engaged to the man of his dreams.

Suddenly Sonny came to a dead stop in front of him and turned around.  “Well, no boat today,” he frowned, and at Rafael’s shocked expression, he pointed to a sign.  It read, “LAKE CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE–high e. Coli”.

Feeling as though he’d been punched in the stomach, Rafael let out a sigh of disappointment.  What was he supposed to do now?  If he’d been planning well, he would already have a Plan B, but he’d been so focused on the lake, he hadn’t bothered to think of anything else.  What would he do now–take his beloved to the YMCA and pretend?

“Rafi,” Sonny said, interrupting his thoughts, “why don’t we have our picnic and then we can figure out if we want to do anything else, okay?”  Slowly, Rafael nodded and followed Sonny’s lead.  They walked over to a large green space, and settled near a couple of large, leafy trees.  “This work for you?” Sonny asked.

“Sure,” Rafael agreed, still distracted, and Sonny smiled as he grabbed the blanket off the other man’s shoulder and lay it down under the trees.  “Oh.  Sorry about that,” Rafael apologized, grinning awkwardly. Don’t ruin the day just because of the lake, he chided himself.  After all, he could always propose another time, once he’d had time to collect his thoughts and come up with another plan.  Meanwhile, Sonny laughed at his inattentiveness and took a seat on the blanket, setting the basket next to him, and Rafael joined him.

“You okay?” Sonny asked.  “You seem to be a bit distracted by the lake.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Rafael replied.  “Guess I still have lake brain, leftover from the vacation.  So, what did you pack for us today?” he asked, reaching to open the basket and yanking his hand back suddenly when Sonny nearly popped it.

“Is that YOUR basket?” Sonny asked sharply, raising an eyebrow.  “Be patient, counselor!  You’ll get your lunch, I promise.”

“All right, all right,” Rafael grumbled, but immediately perked up when Sonny pulled out two champagne glasses and a bottle of bubbly.  He handed it to Rafael.

“Do the honors, please,” he directed, and as Rafael opened the bottle and poured it, Sonny pulled out a beautifully arranged cheese and fruit board and a loaf of fresh Italian bread.  “I know a baguette is traditional, but I’m Italian, and my nonni woulda been disappointed if I did anything else,” he explained, rearranging the pieces that had moved in transit.  

Rafael chuckled, then took a sip of champagne.  “I think it all looks amazing.  Thank you for doing this for us, mi soleado.  You always take care of us in such sweet, thoughtful ways.”  He leaned over to brush his lips across Sonny’s.  “It’s one of the reasons I love you so.”

Sonny smiled sweetly at him, and Rafael felt his chest flood with warmth.  “Is there a cheese you’d like to start with?  I’ve got a really good brie, a smoked gouda…ooh, try this new fresh mozzarella.  Again, I know it’s not typical, but it is sooo good…” 

They spent a long time experimenting with and enjoying different combinations of the fruit and cheese, along with the bread and champagne.  Finally, their conversation drifted to work and their colleagues.  “I wonder how Olivia’s doing in Paris,” Rafael mused at one point, thinking of the two weeks his friend was spending in France.  She was due home in a few days, and he was looking forward to hearing all about it.

Sonny chuckled.  “Well, it’s supposed to be the city of love…you don’t think Tucker had any plans to put a ring on it, do you?”

Rafael nearly choked on the piece of cheddar and apple he’d been eating.  Tears came out of his eyes as he half chortled, half coughed until he got everything down.  “Oh dear God, no,” he finally got out, still laughing, as he thought back to all of Liv’s comments about her commitment  issues.  “Well, he may have plans, but hopefully he deals well with disappointment if he does.” By then he’d worked himself down to a giggle, and he took another sip of champagne.

Sonny was chuckling along with him.  “I’m just thankful that you and I have already had that conversation,” he mentioned.  “I know that you want to but are unsure of the timing, and you’re thinking about it.  That’s the gist, if I recall correctly.”

Rafael thought of the ring in his pocket, and nervously rested his hand on it.  “That’s exactly what we had said,” he agreed.  “I want to marry you, but wasn’t sure I was ready, and you said you’re ready whenever I am.”

Sonny smiled affectionately.  “I love you so much, Rafael.  So I hope you’ll understand why I had to do this.”  He carefully reached into the picnic basket and pulled out a slim black box.  “I understand that we aren’t setting a date yet, so if you want to call it a promise ring instead of an engagement ring, that’s fine.”  He opened the box to reveal a slim gold band with a light green stone inlaid in it.  “I love you and I want to marry you, Rafael.  I want to share our lives, our futures.  Wherever you go, I want to be there.  Wherever I go, I want to know you’re nearby.  I just wanted to give you something special to remind you, every day, of how very precious you are to me…how very loved.”  Sonny paused nervously, then gazed into Rafael’s eyes. “Would you do me the honor of being my husband one day, Rafael?”

Rafael’s mouth hung open, and his eyes quickly darted from Sonny’s to the ring and back, over 

and over again.  

Sonny had planned the exact same thing as he did.  On the exact same day, and in the exact same place.

What was it he’d told Sonny about wanting to believe in kismet? In soulmates?  

“Oh Sonny,” he gasped, wiping the tears from his beaming face, “of course I’ll marry you, my love.  Oh my God, Sonny!”  He barely got the second sentence out, because Sonny was already wrapped around him, squeezing him and laughing and crying as well.  “I love you so much, Soleado…so very much,” he repeated, and Sonny kissed his temple, then moved back.

“Hold out your hand, baby,” he directed, and Rafael did.  Sonny slid the ring onto his ring finger, and it fit as though it had been made only for him.  Rafael could swear it was the most beautiful ring in the world…except he was also holding the world’s most beautiful ring…

“It looks perfect on you,” Sonny admired, holding his hand.  “I saw it in a store at Lake George, and I just had to get it–the color matched your eyes so perfectly.  It’s green tourmaline.  I’d never heard of it before, but the artisan had a few pieces with it–”

“Artisan?” Rafael repeated.  “It was made by an artisan at Lake George?”

“Yeah,” Sonny told him, puzzled by his shocked reaction.  “Young woman, in her twenties, maybe?  Runs a shop with her mom.  Her name’s Padma.”  He shook his head.  “You’re gonna love this, too, babe…Amy was the one who suggested I go there, and I guess she’d told Padma about what had happened the week before with Haley.  Anyway, she gave me a discount on the ring.  I tried to pay full price, but she insisted.”  He smiled fondly at the memory.  “Really nice gal.”

Rafael was grinning like a cheshire cat.  “Dominick.”

“What?”

“You’re not gonna believe this. ”  He reached into his pocket and retrieved the small black box, and Sonny’s eyes grew wide.  “Padma did a lot of business last week,” Rafael said, then carefully opened the box.  “Dominick Carisi, you are my sun that never sets.  You’re every fantasy I dreamed of but never thought I deserved.  You make me a better person and a better man, and I am humbled to call you my beloved partner.  I want more than anything to one day call you my beloved husband.  My sweetest Sonny, will you marry me?”

It was Sonny’s turn to look shocked, to shed tears, and to cry and laugh together until he was a hiccupy mess.  “Yes I will!” he announced loudly.  “Yes, I will marry you, Rafael Barba, whenever you say the time is right!  Slide that baby right on here…yes, yes, YES!” he directed as Rafael grinned and easily slid the ring onto his finger.  He hopped up and held his hand out.  “Do you see this, world?  I am the soon to be husband of Rafael Barba!  One day you will call me Dominick Barba-Carisi, and I will happily answer you!”  A handful of people clapped, and Rafael fell over on his back, laughing.  He was clearly marrying the world’s biggest dork.

Well, he’d always known Sonny was adorkable.

A moment later, Sonny was lying next to him.  “I love you, you know,” he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to Rafael’s cheek.  “I always will.”

“This is the happiest day of my life,” Rafael told him softly.  “Thank you, Sonny.  For everything.”

“Wanna go home and commemorate it?” Sonny asked, waggling his eyebrows.  “I’ll make sure it’s so good you’ll never forget it.”

“With you, it’s always that good,” Rafael told him honestly, and at Sonny’s grin, he took the other man’s hand and let him help get them both upright.  They quickly packed up the picnic basket, and headed toward home.

“Just as a warning, be careful about the size of your ring,” Rafael told Sonny as they ambled along the sidewalk.  “I didn’t know what size you wore, so she suggested we get it sized here, once you accepted it.”

Sonny held it up.  “It seems to fit just fine,” he remarked.  “You know, I fiddled around with a few in her shop while I was there, but none of them had this stone in them.  Huh…” He looked slyly at Rafael.  “This stone…it’s the color of my eyes, isn’t it?”

Rafael grinned.  “Great minds think alike, querido.”

Sonny grinned back.  “Apparently, they do,” he replied, then took Rafael’s hand in his for the rest of the walk home, both rings shining in the warm afternoon sunlight.