Work Text:
2012-1-1 Sunday
Dear diary,
The school counsellor said writing a journal would be helpful for keeping my mind organized and putting all my thoughts together, so here I am I guess. New year, new life they say, so decided to start today, 1st of January. I’m writing on a notebook my parents got me for my birthday yesterday.
This morning Suga and I went to the shrine for the new year, we got decent fortunes, and then we went to grab some food. We had a lot of fun actually. He gave me a small late birthday present, a volleyball keyring (an actual volleyball). I thought it was cute, I wasn’t expecting anything from him really. Also today is Asahi’s birthday so we’ll meet him in the afternoon; he stayed at home in the morning to celebrate with his family.
2012-1-13, Friday
Dear diary,
Asahi today told me that he is gay. (I mean, maybe I kinda forced him to. Not purposefully). I said something about him being nervous around Shimizu sometimes just in case he had a crush on her. I was teasing him of course, but obviously I was counting on us being close enough so that he could tell me and I would support him on his romantic journey, like most friends do. I was shocked at the response, not because of the fact itself (I have nothing against it and actually made a lot of sense and explained a lot of things), but because I have never really given it much thought. The sexuality stuff.
2012-2-22, Wednesday
Dear diary,
Suga just left the house a minute ago. Today I finally found the courage to ask him to help me with our math homework and I have no regrets. I was really struggling with this subject and I was too embarrassed to admit it out loud, but once we've met at mine and he's explained the stuff to me calmly, patiently, everything seemed to make sense. I told him he would be a good teacher and he laughed, but I meant it.
2012-3-2, Friday
Dear diary,
Today we lost to Date Tech High so we were disqualified of the Annual Prefectural Athletic Volleyball Tournament, the last tournament of the year. All our spikes got blocked. It was awful. But we are not giving up.
2012-3-5, Monday
Dear diary,
Today Nishinoya and Asahi had a terrible fight and Asahi left the club. It was mainly because Asahi feels guilty for our loss to Date Tech, but somehow I think Suga blames himself. I told him he better not, but I don't know if that's going to make him feel better given the situation...
2012-3-6, Tuesday
Nishinoya is a genius and got himself expelled. Now we are an ace-less, a libero-less and a coach-less team. Great. At least the first years came back after all. Thank god Suga hasn't left once. Next year I’ll be captain and Suga will be my vice. I would feel too insecure leading such an unstable team on my own. I hope next year's rookies are decent ...if there are even any rookies joining the team at all. Well, we've got Shimizu recruiting. We should be fine.
2012-3-12, Monday
Dear diary,
Second year is over and holidays just started. It’s nice and relaxing, but a bit boring now that I'm not playing volleyball and I don't see Suga every day. And I keep thinking about Asahi and how he left the team. We should probably talk to him, but I know him and he's most likely not going to listen.
2012-3-25, Sunday
Dear diary,
Ever since Asahi told me he is gay I can’t stop thinking about it. How come I had never thought about this? Could I be gay myself? Could I like boys? Is that even a possibility? Or, more importantly, do I even like girls? I always have considered myself as straight, but, honestly, I'm starting to wonder if that's maybe because that's how boys are supposed to be by default. What kind of girls am I supposed to be attracted to? Shimizu, for instance. She is beautiful, indeed, but I don’t think I feel that way about her. Or... Michimiya. Tanaka and Ennoshita say she's totally into me (which I hadn't noticed but may be true, especially if Ennoshita says so, because I don't know how reliable can Tanaka be girl-wise). If that was the case, I would feel really guilty, because I truly enjoy her company, but I can't picture myself dating her, or, I don’t know, kissing her or anything. I hope Ennoshita and Tanaka are wrong. I don't know. Does that mean anything? I think I'm overthinking right now. Maybe I'm too bored. I miss practice.
2012-4-2, Monday
Dear diary,
Third year has officially started. I'm a bit nervous because it's our last year of high school and we're going to have to work really hard and also start thinking about our future. Suga and I are in the same class again, which I'm grateful for. I'm excited about volleyball though, today is officially my first year as Karasuno's captain. Fortunately, we have pretty promising kouhais, for example we have this really tall guy, and Kageyama Tobio from Kitagawa Daiichi who is known for being a prodigy… but as we could see last year with our own eyes, he is a bit "tyrannic" and does not seem to work well with other teammates. We'll see how things work out.
Update: Wrong start. Worst start. There was an incident with the vice-principal. I don't want to talk about it.
2012-4-6, Friday
Dear diary,
Kageyama and Hinata really started off on the wrong foot. Kageyama is truly amazing but also really problematic and wants to do everything on his own. Fortunately Suga spoke to him and now he seems to be willing to change. He also had a conversation with Hinata, I think. Now, somehow, Hinata seems like just the missing piece that Kageyama needed to unleash his toss, and Kageyama adjusts perfectly to Hinata’s speed and reflexes to counter his clumsiness. They might have a lot of potential together. It’s all thanks to Suga, really. I feel really confident about having him in our team and I'm glad I chose him as my vice-captain.
2012-4-9, Monday
Dear diary,
Takeda-sensei managed to arrange us a practice match with Aoba Johsai tomorrow! It was kind of hard to believe they agreed on practicing with us, since they are currently one of Miyagi’s top 4 teams, but apparently they agreed under one condition: Kageyama must be the setter playing throughout the entire game. I think they want to test Kageyama’s abilities (and behaviour?) on court, probably since many of his former teammates are now playing in Bluecastle. The first thing that came to my mind was Suga; I wasn’t so sure we would agree to play a match under such conditions considering Suga is a third year and our starting setter. He said it was okay though, since this is an opportunity Karasuno shouldn’t waste. I admire his determination for making decisions that are better for the club’s sake, even if he has to sacrifice himself. I’m still worried though, I’ll talk to him tomorrow after the match.
2012-5-1, Tuesday
Dear diary,
Asahi and Nishinoya are back! Nishinoya refused to re-join the team without Asahi so Suga decided to speak to Asahi, however I think what made him come back definitely was something Hinata said. Also, I think I forgot to mention earlier, but Takeda-sensei managed to get us a new coach, who happens to be the guy who works at Sakanoshita market… This is because apparently he is old coach Ukai's grandson and has a clue about volleyball, unlike Takeda-sensei. (He is great at managing the team, but he really can't coach). Which is such a relief for Suga and I, because, even though I think we do well enough together, an actual coach is very much needed in every team. Besides, tomorrow the Golden Week starts, at the end of which we will get to play against Nekoma for the first time in a couple years (Takeda-sensei managed to arrange that too, somehow, even though I still have some questions regarding his methodology). This is a great opportunity for the team. I'm really happy, Karasuno seems to be finally shaping up and look more like an actual team and less like a bunch of lost teenagers messing around with volleyballs. Who knows, maybe people will even stop calling us stuff such as "the wingless crows".
2012-5-3, Thursday
Dear diary,
Today is the second day of the Golden Week. Kageyama and Hinata’s dynamic duo is... scary. Together they are almost unbeatable. However, because of that, today Suga told Asahi and me his decision to give Kageyama his starting position, since he argues it will be the best for the team. He told Coach Ukai right afterwards. It broke my heart. I really hoped this year the three of us could play together. Our last year. But it is his decision and I respect it. He is not giving up, however; he said he will seize every chance he could to get out on the court. I'm glad he did.
2012-5-22, Thursday
Dear diary,
Tanaka said I have a weakness for Suga —he said Suga could tell me to jump off a bridge and I would probably do it— and it pissed me off… because I’ve figured it may be true. I think Suga is the only person in the whole team who has the guts to scold me from time to time and the only one who probably has an "unofficial authority” over me, besides Coach and sensei. I don’t know why but it kind of bothered me so I guess I’m just writing it here to blow off steam.
2012-6-2, Monday
Dear diary,
Today we beat Tokonami on the Miyagi Interhigh Qualifiers, the team where my friend Ikejiri from middle school currently plays. It has been nice seeing him again after all this time, although I felt sorry for him when we won the match.
But, most importantly, we won against Date Tech High on round 2. We finally got our payback! This was exactly the kind of boost the team needed, especially Asahi. However, after the match Suga confessed me he would have liked it a lot better if we had won with his tosses. That shattered me a little bit. He seemed really ashamed of himself after he said that and begged me not to tell anyone else. I’m glad he still hasn’t given up, though. I can’t believe he feels guilty for saying something all of us would think if we were in his shoes. However, that left a bad taste in my mouth. This situation must be very frustrating for Suga and I can’t help feeling bad for him.
2012-6-3, Sunday
Dear diary?
Today we lost to Bluecastle. It really sucks, losing a match on our last Interhigh. I think I should quit volleyball for the year and leave the team to our younger teammates. They could definitely handle more than well enough, and that way we could focus full-time on our final year. It's a hard one, but it seems like the right decision to me.
2012-6-4, Monday
Dear diary,
Today I spoke to Suga and Asahi about my decision... Then Suga asked me if that was what I really wanted. Sure he did. Damn, he knows me well enough. Of course I don't want that. He said he is not leaving the team, and Asahi said he is willing to stay this time, too. That made me change my mind, I really want to keep playing with them.
2012-6-14, Thursday
Dear diary,
Yesterday was Suga’s 18th birthday, too soon right after our loss. I thought maybe I should do something to cheer him up. So I took him to this place where they make the extra spicy Mapo tofu Suga likes (I don't understand why he likes it that spicy, but ok) for dinner. As a student I don't have a lot of money but I still had some savings from my own birthday so I thought it was right to treat him, but (of course) he refused. Now I feel bad because the place might have been too expensive for his also student-like budget. I hope he doesn't secretly hate me for that.
2012-7-16, Monday
Dear diary,
We are heading to the Tokyo training camp. I'm writing on the bus while Suga is sleeping next to me, I hope he doesn't wake up because I would be a bit embarrassed if he found out I own a diary. Honestly I don't know if he would tease me about it or respect my privacy. Probably both. I was thinking I could tease him back about sleeping on the bus and drooling, but to be honest he looks really cute like this and it wouldn't feel fair. How can anyone look this good while sleeping? Never mind. I'm really looking forward to the training camp. We'll stay in Tokyo for a week and we'll have the chance to play against true powerhouses such as Fukurodani and Nekoma. Also, a week of training means everybody will get a chance to play, which also means Suga will get to play a lot, it will be nice playing together again.
2012-7-18, Wednesday
Now that I know that gay people are a thing, nothing will ever be like before. I think I'm overanalysing everything I see, but suddenly a lot of people look gay to me? For example, the behaviour Yamaguchi has towards Tsukishima reminds me somehow of Tanaka and Nishinoya whenever they are near Shimizu. And Tsukishima is hard to read, but he is just a hair softer with Yamaguchi, and, I don’t know... Speaking of Shimizu, Yachi also seems to have similar panic attacks whenever Shimizu speaks. Also she does not seem to enjoy much the company of other men. I feel a bit sorry for her... Now, here, at the training camp, I can notice how Bokuto-kun and Akaashi-kun look at each other or, even better, how Kuroo shifts when he speaks about Kenma. Even Kageyama and Hinata seem to reach for each other all the time somehow. I’m aware all these people would probably yell at me or throw up if I ever brought this up and that most people in real life are statistically straight (are they? maybe I should look up at some studies or something) but I just can't unsee it now.
P.S. I just realized my longest journal entries are the ones where I talk about this. Should I worry?
2012-7-19, Thursday
I think probably there is a small chance that I might like Suga just a tiny little bit. Maybe.
2012-7-20, Friday
Dear diary,
Having such an (unconfirmed) realization while having to sleep next to Suga for a whole week may not have been the best timing. Just thinking.
2012-7-22, Sunday
Dear diary,
Tonight is our last night here so I'm going to speak to Asahi when I get the chance. He will know better than me, after all, and he could "diagnose" me. (God no I don’t think this is an illness. Or maybe it is, isn't "lovesick" a word in English? No, Christ, I don't think we've reached that extreme yet. Yet?)
Update: I spoke to Asahi and guess what. (Well the person reading this should be myself so I already know). Apparently he is not surprised. (?)
He said me having a crush on Suga makes a lot of sense and that he has been sort off suspicious about it for a while...? I wonder if he knew before I did. That would be really strange. I told him I'm not really sure, that I just kinda want to be around him all the time. The thing is, now I don't know what to do with this information. I wasn't brave enough to ask him his thoughts about Suga. It would be too embarrassing and I was afraid to hear an answer I would not like.
2012-8-9, Thursday
Dear diary,
Now that I've really given more thought to this thing, I'm starting to feel guilty about my «crush». This is my teammate we are talking about, my vice-captain, my best friend. How would he feel if he found out? He would probably feel really betrayed. Like I was with him this whole time because I just wanted to get with him or something. How would I feel if I found out, I don’t know, Tanaka had a crush on me? No, it's not the same. I hate to think about this, but at the same time I enjoy this feeling and I don’t really want it to go away. Does that make me a selfish person?
P.S. we won the match against Ohgiminami!
2012-8-10, Friday
Dear diary,
Today Suga and I found out that we are seen as the «parents» for the rest of the team. I must admit I flushed a little bit at the thought, luckily Suga seemed amused. I was afraid he would cringe at that.
P.S. We won the match against Kakugawa, one of whose members was a 2 meter tall guy! Even though he was a newbie, he gave us a hard time. I'm really proud of my team. I have good expectations for the Spring Tournament qualifiers.
2012-8-18, Saturday
Dear diary,
I'm writing at night after spending the day at the beach with Suga, Asahi and Shimizu. It was really fun. We went by bus, got off near a really nice ice-cream shop so we bought some and ate it on our way to the beach; then we got into the water (even Shimizu, who doesn't like showing off her legs!) and fooled around a lot, Suga tried to choke me a bunch of times but he just couldn't. He teased me implying that I'm "strong and handsome" which really caught me off-ward because I don't know what was that for so I don't really know how I reacted. Jesus, at this point my feelings must be painfully obvious. Then we went to grab lunch and went back to the beach again, we talked and laughed a lot... It was nice. Shimizu took a lot of photos with her camera and I hope she sends them soon because I really want to print some out, especially the one she took of Suga and me because I've realized we don't have many pictures together.
2012-8-25, Saturday
God I like him so much I don’t know what to do with all these feelings.
2012-9-11, Tuesday
Apparently mom said my sister (Mai) needed to take private classes to perform better at school, and thought it would be a great idea to ask Suga to do the job since I must have mentioned her he is a really good teacher at some point. Without telling me. I had to find out as he casually mentioned it yesterday at school, because it seems like mom didn't think it was something worthy of telling me (?). He accepted since he could use some extra money, but I'm worried he is overworking himself between exams and volleyball practice —the Spring Tournament qualifiers are approaching and we are practicing even harder than usual. It's weird to have Suga in a different room while we are unable to interact, but at least now he always stays for dinner whenever he comes home and then we hang out for a bit before he leaves. Also Mai seems to adore him which is cool. I guess it's nice to have scheduled Suga-meetups?
2012-9-15, Saturday
Dear diary,
Yesterday evening, after Mai's lesson, Suga and I watched a movie in my room and he fell asleep on my shoulder. I found it the most endearing thing in the world but I also panicked a little bit and didn't know what to do. What's wrong with me?
2012-10-19, Friday
Dear diary,
The Spring Tournament qualifiers are close so I'm meeting up with Suga to discuss strategies and think about what Coach has told us.
Update: tonight this thought has crossed my mind that he might be the love of my life. I know it sounds horribly cheesy but it makes a lot of sense. I'd write more about it but I'm tired and I think I'm going to sleep.
2012-10-23, Tuesday
Dear diary,
It’s just so easy being around Suga. I don’t know how to describe how I feel. Despite my feelings for him, I don’t feel uncomfortable when we are together —more like the opposite. Things such as running our fingers through each other’s hair or sleeping on the other’s shoulder (or rather Suga sleeping on mine) have become an habit between us. It’s true that Suga is a person who likes physical contact in general, but, I don’t know, it feels like we fit just right, if that makes sense. I genuinely think we look good together. I can’t imagine myself being with anyone else.
2012-10-25, Thursday
Dear diary,
We just won the match against Johzenji high (Miyagi's top 4)! Next up is Wakutani, tomorrow Bluecastle and finally Shiratorizawa if we manage through.
Update: I'm writing from the steps while I watch our match against Wakutani (they asked for a time-out just now). Funny, huh. I crashed with Tanaka and injured myself pretty badly. I mean, nothing serious —I just got out of the infirmary—, but I lost consciousness for a few seconds. I wanted to get back to the court as soon as I could, but my kouhais seem to be handling it pretty well. I'm sure they'll do great next year. Seeing everything in 3rd person feels so different... I guess that's how Suga must feel most of the time. Speaking of, I hope he is not too worried. Shimizu is with me and Asahi is too busy scoring on the court, so that leaves Suga as the only third year who might be concerned about me. (I'm wondering what would he think if something serious actually happened to me.... Daichi, stop it. Get a hold of yourself).
2012-10-26, Friday
Dear diary,
We won against Bluecastle! We made it!
I was so excited that I even kissed Suga’s cheek after the match. What the hell? I had this sudden, inexplicable, weird impulse while we were still in front of everyone (although I think nobody noticed it since they were all too hyped to pay attention, except maybe Tsukishima). Thank goodness Suga, even though he looked surprised, didn’t seem to mind it. Actually I think he was so shocked he didn’t even scold me or tease me or anything? Maybe I overstepped and he just didn’t know how to react.
2012-10-27, Saturday
I’m still processing, but we beat Shiratorizawa. We actually won a match against them. Which means we are going to Nationals. Nobody believed this would happen (to be honest, I still can’t believe it myself, although I will never let my teammates know I said this) but here we are. Let’s give our all!
2012-10-28, Sunday
Dear diary,
Today I’m self-indulgently spending the day home after the exhaustion of the past days. I was thinking about something that happened yesterday and forgot to mention here since I was too hyped due to our victory: during our match with Shiratorizawa, Shimizu held Suga’s hands and Suga joked about marrying her or something like that. I know he was just joking because he and Shimizu are good friends, besides Shimizu said herself she has no interest in marrying Suga, but I still couldn’t help getting jealous and said something right afterwards that might lead to the wrong conclusion —that I like Shimizu. Now that I’m thinking about it, it was such a stupid thing to say, and I don’t want people to think I like her, and I don’t want to give the wrong impression to Suga. Do I? Maybe it’s better like this. This way he won’t suspect anything about my true feelings.
2012-11-5, Monday
I haven't written in here for a while and the reason behind makes me want to jump off a bridge. I lost the diary a few days ago and guess who found it. Suga! Of all people. Seriously. Why. He kept it and gave it to me today when he had the chance. A part of me wants to disappear from Earth and to not be perceived by any other human being ever again if there’s even a small chance Suga has read anything I've written in here. But another small part of me kinda wants him to have read it all and just know...? How would he react if he had read it? Fuck, he has definitely read it. If not he would have just made some teasing comment about me losing things or something, which he didn’t, he just gave it to me. Wait, no, because if he had now he would probably be acting so awkward and wouldn’t want to speak to me ever again. Right? He seemed quite normal to me today. Everything should be just fine.
2012-11-14, Wednesday
Dear diary,
I told Suga he should quit teaching my sister (even though I really enjoy his company at home), since we are going to be really busy the following weeks between exams and volleyball (Nationals are not far away!); but he insisted that he wanted to keep doing it. (Why did he insist? Is he short on money? Now I’m concerned).
2012-11-22, Thursday
So my brain is going 1000km/h right now and I need to organize a lot of information in my head before I start writing in order to say something coherent. Okay, let’s see if I can write it all down because everything is so loud in my mind right now.
Mai was sick today but Suga came over regardless. We watched a movie in my room, but something seemed off; he wasn’t paying attention and he appeared distant. So I asked him what was wrong. After what felt like an eternity, he said he was going to miss this… Like, hanging out with me like that.
I didn’t understand, so he confessed he was worried about the year coming to an end and what would happen after graduation. Like, the two of us going different ways. I was quite shocked (that was like a very Asahi thing to say) but I suddenly worried. I hadn’t even thought about it —a future without Suga? That wasn’t even a possibility in my head.
I remained silent until I finally said I’m not going anywhere, and I was totally serious. I didn’t mean it literally —I don’t know if I will be leaving for college next year—, I meant it figuratively: I intend to always be there for Suga, because he means so much to me. So that’s what I told him. Maybe I was too bold, but at the moment it seemed right. Then he muttered something like «I don’t want to leave you either» and…
I don’t know how to explain it. I suddenly felt like this sense of certainty, at that moment I knew that I could press my lips against his and that I would be reciprocated. Thinking about it now makes it look stupid, but it made so much sense. So I cupped his face, leaned in… and panicked. I stopped at the sudden realization of the implications of what I was doing, but then —Jesus Christ— he grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me in —oh my god. I’ve probably replayed that single moment in my mind at least a hundred times already. We kissed for minutes, hours, I don’t know; until my mom knocked on the door (thank god she knocked) to call us for dinner and we had to stop. So, yeah, I wrote all this to basically say we finally kissed! And honestly it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Also when Suga left the house I gave him one last, quick kiss just in case he had any doubts about my intentions —I don’t want any uncomfortable misunderstandings between us. Although we should probably talk about it.
2012-11-23, Friday
Dear diary,
After tonight’s practice I stayed a bit longer so that I could get to speak to Suga alone. I told him I wanted to talk about yesterday and somehow found the courage to tell him everything I have been holding back. Well, not everything, of course, because that would take ages. And, god… He cried a little bit, which made me want to cry myself, said he returned my feelings (I almost crumbled at that), then I hugged him. I swear to god my heart skipped a beat when he said «I have to tell you something». I freaked out and that’s when he started telling me he had actually read the diary. Fuck, I had already forgotten about that. Not all of it, at least. Apparently he found it in the club room and, since there was no name on it (I just realized I never wrote my name on the notebook…), he decided to open a random page just to see if he could figure out who the owner was. It turns out he recognized my handwriting instantly, but… the damage was already done.
I don’t really care, though. To be honest I think that’s a small price to pay for dating Suga. (because, yes, we are dating now! I’m still processing).
P.S. Then, if he had in fact read the diary, why didn’t he act or say anything? I asked him and allegedly he thought there was no way of suddenly confessing without revealing the fact that he had actually read my private diary. Fair enough.
2013-1-1, Tuesday
Dear diary,
I can’t believe a whole year has passed since I started writing this diary. Although, at the same time, so many things have changed since then. For good. I am a legal adult now (even though Suga insists I have already been for a while), we are going to Nationals (next Friday!), and I’ve got a boyfriend.
Asahi and Shimizu are the only ones that know about the last part, for the sake of the team. Although it can be frustrating at times, It’s kind of funny hiding it from our kouhais, not gonna lie.
Suga and I went to the shrine this morning just like last year, but this time Asahi and Shimizu joined us as well. Suga and I laughed about Asahi’s fortune («curse», haha). It’s so much fun teasing him because he takes this stuff more seriously than he should. What I won’t say out loud, though, is that this year I want to believe in fortune too. Suga and I both got «Future blessing». I would like to think it means good things are awating for the both of us.