Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Let me write you a song” he said while strumming the guitar and gazing at the person next to him with adoration. The tune and lyrics he knew by heart flowed from his lips and fingers, “I want this time for us to be like this forever. Just you and me in this moment together. I just want to hold you in my arms, not letting you go”

The next thing he knew, his body was dripping wet, quite possibly due to the swimming pool behind him. His partner was staring at him with an intensity that made him feel uncomfortable, in a thrilling way. He registers the words “I promise, I’ll never leave you” before he is pulled into an equally intense kiss. There was longing, desperation and something that tastes forbidden with the kiss. It was dangerous, like free falling without a rope or climbing a mountain without a harness and hoping you would survive. But he liked it.  

Win woke up with a start. He instinctively stretched his arms, seeking for the familiar presence beside him but he sensed none. Tops must have woken up to make breakfast. Or dive his nose in a book to prepare for his presentation next week. Win silently whined at the absence and returned to cuddling the teddy bear they had bought to keep Tops company whenever Win was out to perform.

 The dream felt strange. Win had always associated Tops with warmth and comfort, like a cup of hot chocolate and fuzzy blanket on a rainy day. Tops love was a safe cocoon that wrapped around him. He wasn’t sure why the feeling was so different in the dream, especially since Tops was so tense, unlike his natural calm demeanour. He decided to ignore it and hopped to the kitchen.

As expected, Tops was already in the kitchen and had the sleeves of his shirt folded to prevent them from being dirtied by the flour he was kneading. He was so focused on everything he does, especially when it came to preparation of his dishes. Nothing could distract him, which gave Win the perfect opportunity to sneak behind the man and blow into his ears. Tops jerked violently, nearly toppling the bowl of dough he was kneading while Win cackled in delight. 

Tops glared at him, bemused, while Win wiggled his eyebrows. 

“Win, you almost made me drop this bowl. No cherry pie for you,” he chided, sighing in exasperation. 

“Sorry, my darling,” Tops knew he wasn’t close to being sorry but he adored Win’s mischievous nature, although it did drive him crazy sometimes. He immediately forgave him when Win planted a chaste kiss on his cheek and wrapped his arms around him, peeking from his shoulder at the cherries he was cutting. He was way too soft for this man. 

*_____*_____*_____*_____*_____*

They’re at the swimming pool again, he was gazing at his partner softly, “I do care about you and I want to be close to you.” It's true, he cares but there was a huge ‘but’ hanging in between them, an elephant in the room they never addressed. His partner just smiled at him. 

The scene changed and he was charged with fury. Anger floods like lava through his veins, exploding with hurtful words and an uncontrolled punch, “Do you want to ruin my life, Paem? Why did you do this to me? I have lost everything.” Tear stricken, desperate gaze met his furious ones. Resistance came from his partner, a reciprocation of fury as he yelled, “Do you actually love me, Mike or you see me as your temporary fling?”

The question should have made him pause but in his own heartbreak and grief, all he could do was channel them as anger towards the other man, “I love Pear, not you.”

Win jolted awake. His heart was racing and the residual emotions from the dream lingered as he awakened. The image of him yelling at a tear stricken Tops, watching the man shatter before him was disturbingly vivid. He didn’t linger in the room and immediately ran down the stairs. Surprisingly, Tops wasn’t in the kitchen but he had picked up the guitar Win had left on the couch and was randomly plucking the strings. It wasn’t until Tops gave his signature smile with a good morning wish, he felt the tension leaving his nerves.

The previous dream was strange but the recent one had been downright disturbing. It didn’t make sense for him to hurt Tops, to claim he never loved him. Although it has been less than a year since the “officially” got together, Win finds it difficult to imagine not loving Tops and not receiving his warm love in return. It made even less sense when he called Tops, Paem. Who is Mike? Who is Pear? Who is Paem? What was actually going on? He was concerned about his mental state. Was the stress of the upcoming tour causing him to conjure unlikely scenarios?

He hadn’t realised he was spacing out until Tops tugged his arm, concern visible in his eyes. 

“Win, is everything okay? You’re spacing out and I know you’re not thinking about music right now.” He gently eased the crease on Win’s forehead, tugging him to the couch, waiting patiently but expectantly for Win to speak. Win wasn’t sure how to share the incoherently clear content of his dreams. It could be just a random dream he was overthinking about. Tops already had a lot on his plate to prepare for his next presentation and he didn't need to add to his worries. 

He smiled through it, “Nothing, just worried about missing you. The next tour is going to be for two months. I don’t know if I can survive that long again without your cooking.” Tops gave him a shy, happy smile at the mention of missing his food. Win pretty much compliments his top chef everyday but he receives the same endearing reaction every time. Win wasn’t entirely lying, he misses Tops homemade meals just as much as he misses Tops every time he is away from home for more than a week.

Tops fingers delicately cupped his cheeks, holding his gaze, “Of course, I’m going to miss you too, Win. But we promised to make this work right. We’ll just have to find time for each other like we always do. I’ll make for you all the dishes you want while you’re at home.” He paused for a second, then grinned, “I’m also going to make sure you can make at least three dishes on your own. You really need to stop living off takeaways every time you’re not home. They’re so unhealthy”

Win couldn’t help but laugh at the remark. Trust Tops to turn a moment into a lecture about being healthy. This certainly wasn’t the first time he heard it. He pressed a sweet kiss on Tops lips, grabbed his guitar and ran off the stairs, howling “Yes, anything you say, my tops chef!”. He could picture Tops shaking his head in amusement and heading to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. He’ll just let it go as another nightmare.

*_____*_____*_____*_____*_____*

He was out with a beautiful young woman. They had their fingers laced together as they walked across the street, randomly looking at the items the vendors had on the street. She laughed at his nonsensical jokes, indulged in his whims when he saw street performers and borrowed their guitar to perform an impromptu song. He was filled with a warmth when he was with her. It's a special day, their third anniversary. He wanted to make it special. 

He had bought a necklace for her, engraved with both of their names and the date they first got together. His excitement to hand her the gift tampered when he noticed her hesitance. This wasn’t like Pear, who was always bubbly and accepted his gifts with an open heart. The hesitance grew stronger until tension started building between them and Pear confessed, “ I don’t think this is working between us, we should break up.”

He was confused. He was happy, they were happy until a few minutes ago. Why would Pear suddenly break up with him? Was he not doing enough? He chased her till her house, determined to find the reason, “Pear, please talk to me. I don’t know what I did”. He tried coaxing her. It wasn’t until she showed the video on her phone, his blood turned cold and he ran off. 

When Win woke up this time, he was hyper aware of his dream. There is no way they were purely coincidental. These characters, these events are leading up to something. He’s slowly piecing the story together as the dreams unravel further. However, it doesn’t explain why he’s dreaming of these people and why they resemble the people he knows. The lady Mike was with, looked exactly like his ex-girlfriend. They had dated briefly in the early college days but they drifted apart due to different priorities. He still kept in touch with her on LINE occasionally, but he didn’t have feelings for her anymore. 

He wasn’t a huge believer in mythology but he had heard stories of people being able to access their past lives through dreams. Was this his past life? Had he hurt Tops (Paem) by stringing him along? Had he been in a long term relationship with his girlfriend just to cheat on her? Were all of them reincarnated into this life for another chance? He couldn’t really fathom doing something like that. Win can be playful and take the people he cares for granted sometimes but he would never intentionally hurt anyone. 

These are all speculations and none of them gives him a solid explanation. He was glad to find Tops still fast asleep next to him. It must still be early. He looks peaceful, the mundane problems far from his reach, a stark contrast to the broken Tops he manifested in his dreams. He was still staring when Tops stirred awake. It was rare for Win to wake up earlier, unless he had class or something important to do. Tops squinted in confusion, nose scrunching adorably and Win forgot all about the dream for a second.

Tops blinked a few times to clear the sleep and asked, “You’re up early today. Is there something going on?” Win shook his head, which left Tops even more confused. Before he could ask further, Win had placed his head on Tops chest, arms circled around his waist, sighing softly. Win was normally clingy in the mornings but Tops could sense a difference, a heavier atmosphere, so he simply stroked down the length of his lover’s hair without probing any further. Win will either talk or end up writing about it in a verse and play for him anyway.

“Hey Tops, if and it's a big hypothetical if, one day I end up unintentionally hurting you, do you think you will be able to forgive me?”

The hands on Win’s hair stilled. This was an uncharacteristically loaded question to ask first thing in the morning. Tops wasn’t sure of the context Win is referring to. A serious argument over their dreams and their relationship? Win choosing to sign a record in a different country and giving up on a long distance relationship? Win getting bored of him and moving on with another person? A slight discomfort lodged in his throat. He would be lying if he said he had never thought of the possibilities, although he chooses to keep faith in their relationship. 

Win must have sensed Tops was contemplating and flashed him a charming smile, “ Don’t worry silly, I’m not leaving you. Why would I leave my talented, gorgeous, sweet, caring  and clever boyfriend for anything? Where can I even find someone who is going to cook all these amazing dishes for me like you? Who is even going to sit and listen to me sing the same notes a hundred times and still love it?”

It was cheesy, yes but Tops has to admit his heart melts everytime Win gets vocal about his adoration. The discomfort in his throat faded away and he decided the best way to let all the love he feels flow is to kiss Win senseless. So he did. It doesn’t get old because everything he feels for Win only seems to get stronger with time.  

When they parted, he couldn’t help the question, “Why are you asking me this though? I can tell there is a reason behind this.”

Win decided to open up about the dreams, about the characters that resemble them, Mike’s emotions from the dreams, cheating on Pear with Paem, the heartbreak on Paem’s face when he asked if Mike ever loved him. Tops listened to the whole story with curiosity but without judgement. When he finished sharing, he asked if Tops believed the dreams could be a reflection of their past lives.

Tops wasn’t sure. He was spiritual but not enough to be well versed about matters like past lives. Somehow, he found the idea of Win, in another life, manipulating and lying to him a little bizarre. Perhaps it's because his Win is the only Win he knows, a chaotic sweetheart, it was difficult to imagine a different version of Win who could hurt people. So he told honestly, “I don’t know but its not like we have control over what happened in the past.”

Win conceded to the point. If the dreams were from his past, there is really nothing he could do about it. He simply wished it wasn’t real. It was not easy watching someone who was essentially, well, him, ruin his own life and ruin the life of two other people. Win had always valued passion and loyalty, they were traits that followed him just as much as his faithful guitar did. Was he really such an irresponsible and incorrigible person in his past? What made him become like that? His thoughts, along with his consciousness slowly drifted off with the rhythm of Tops fingers in his hair. 

*_____*_____*_____*_____*_____*

The dream brought itself to his anniversary date with Pear and he could see everything that happened in detail. The video of them sent to his girlfriend, Pear’s heartbreak, his own rage, him accusing Paem for ruining his life. Him yelling he only loved Pear and not Paem. Paem’s pain and the way he shoved Paem into the pool in his fit of fury. It didn’t subside, not even when Paem’s arms were flailing in desperation. He wasn’t going to fall for his acting now. All he knew was getting away from Paem and nursing his broken relationship.

Fast forward, he was kissing Paem again, but a lady’s voice echoed in the background, “In the world of performance, you can’t tell who is real. In the real world, you can’t tell who is performing”. The message felt significant, although it did not particularly resonate with him. Not until he was choking on phantom water in the middle of the kiss and Paem vanished. Horror paralysed him to the ground as the memory circled back to the day at the pool, when Mike had dragged Paem out of the pool, who was simply grinning when Mike accused him of acting like he drowned. 

He wasn’t acting. 

Paem had drowned that night, during their fight. Mike shoved him into the pool and left him to drown. He didn’t even know the other man had died, he had been too busy with his own grief. The next days passed in a blur, with Pear completely removing herself from his life and him still processing the death of his supposed lover. When the moment struck him with clarity, he realised his life was a fucking comedy. He lost his girlfriend and his best friend at the same time. He accidentally killed someone he claimed to love. All of his friends knew about his affair. 

The guilt consumes him, slowly eroding parts of his soul like the walls of a cave against the tides of the sea. He channelled them into music, his pain, his grief, his apology, to both Paem and Pear, it was the only way he knew to function. It's comically tragic, he would laugh if he could feel anything beyond melancholy. He waited for life to throw him the last punchline. 

This time, Win was still half conscious, with tears streaming from his eyes, breath stuttering in his lungs with the emotions choked within. He could faintly sense someone calling his name but he couldn’t see anything beyond a blurry silhouette or hear anything beyond the pressure in his ears. The revelation was giving him a headache and the unconscious crying didn’t make them any better. 

He had killed someone. He killed his best friend.

Granted, it wasn’t really him. However, the emotions clouding him didn’t really give him the space to rationalise this. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” echoes through his mind as he visualises Paem life forcing slowly fading away under the water. He can almost taste the chlorine. 

“Win, Win, wake up,” the voice is now frantic with concern, the force on his shoulders growing a little aggressive. He jolted awake, hyperventilating. The hovering figure before him fell into focus and he could see Tops' panicked expression. Normally, he would be relieved to find Tops next to him but he kept seeing Paem in Tops image and all he could think was how Paem suffered because of his love. 

“Win, can you hear me?” He must have given a shaky nod  because the next thing he knew, he was pulled into a gentle embrace, hands stroking the back of his head comfortingly. Almost instinctively, he melted against Tops, returning the embrace fiercely. He was here, in the present, with Tops. He didn’t kill anyone, Tops is not suffering. 

They stayed locked in the position for a while, until he stopped trembling and his breath returned to a regular pace. He wasn’t ready to look at Tops, afraid he may still see the images from his dream but Tops held his gaze, forcing him to keep eye contact. “Win, listen to me. Whatever happened, it’s not real. It’s just a dream. It’s only a dream.”

But it wasn’t just a dream. Win could tell with certainty he was connected to what happened, hence the reason he feels so strongly about them. He finally found his voice, “Tops, it's not just a dream. It happened, I could feel it. I . .  .He killed him. Me, well, Mike. He killed Paem.”

He knew he wasn’t very coherent and without context, the words just stumbled out. “Win . . .” Tops started but Win stopped him, wanting to get out everything from his system, “Tops, I need to tell you this. Remember what I said last time, Mike was already in a relationship with Pear but he was also having an affair with Paem.  Mike blamed it on Paem and they had a huge fight.”

Tops nodded, indicating he was listening. So Win continued, “During the fight, Mike ended up shoving Paem into the swimming pool. And he left. Paem couldn’t swim. He  . . . he drowned in the pool. Mike had left him to die.”

A stunned silence filled the room after the revelation. Top’s wasn’t sure how to process this information. He wasn’t in Win’s shoes, he did not experience these dreams firsthand and naturally, he wasn’t affected by them. He still had trouble wrapping his mind around a version of Win who could hurt someone, much less kill them. Were these flashes really from their past lives? If so, why were they only haunting Win? Did it really matter to him that he was killed in his past by someone he loved?  

Maybe if he had lived through the dreams the way Win did, it may have troubled him. Maybe he wasn’t fully ready to accept the possibility his beautiful, sweet boyfriend had murdered someone in his past life. Maybe it doesn’t matter at all. Tops was content with his life now, his cooking, his aspirations to open a restaurant one day, the random notes of the guitar that filled their hall and the heavenly vocals of his lover that he would never get bored off. Should he trade these blessings for what happened in a life he had no control over?

Win had averted his gaze in the silence, fiddling with his fingers nervously. Tops wondered if Win expected him to be upset over what happened in the past. The answer came surprisingly easy when he saw the weight on Win’s shoulders. “Win, did you think I would have been mad at you for what happened in our past lives?”

Win blinked, unsure, “I don’t know. I know you’re very forgiving Tops. But you didn’t see what happened to us. I don’t think Mike intended to do it. He thought Paem  was pretending to drown to get his attention. But it doesn’t change the fact he had hurt Paem badly. And . . . I don’t know. What if I actually have the capacity to do that to you? What if one day this repeats itself and I hurt you?”

He was running his fingers through his mused hair, clearly distressed by the possibility. Tops heart broke a little at the confession. Between Win and him, he was the overthinker and Win was often the impulsive one. The dreams must have shaken him badly enough to even think that far. He caught Win’s hand and interlaced them together. 

“Win, listen to me. Whatever happened in the past, is not in our control. That wasn’t us. We did not make the decision to hurt each other. You are not Mike, I am not Paem.” He lifted Win’s chin, making sure he heard the emphasis, “You are Win, I am Tops, we are here together now. I love you and your stupidly beautiful voice and your annoying habit of playing the guitar all the time, even when you’re not practicing. You love me and you’re obsessed with my cooking and I would cook for you everyday of my life.”

He received a wet chuckle at the statement and he sensed Win’s gaze softening, shoulders relaxing. So he continued, “ If, and in your words, a big hypothetical if we really fell apart one day, can we promise to be honest with each other? No lies, no cover ups. I don’t want our last moments together to be filled with only pain.”

Win was smiling at him now, adoration in full force and before he could react, he was swept into a tight embrace again. This time, there were no tears, just love. “You know Tops, I don’t know how I got so lucky with you. I don’t want to think about the past. I don’t want to think about us not being together. I just want to be with you in this moment.”

Tops was smiling back, in acknowledgement and reciprocation. He knew it wasn’t quite over for them. Win will probably be haunted by these dreams again. He will have to constantly reassure Win they are different from the people in the past. They get to make their own decisions and chart their own journey, individually and together. He was willing, if it meant having these simple, beautiful moments together.