Chapter Text
"How do you feel about women?"
Levi was just buttoning up his shirt, his body still heated from the rough grip of Erwin's hands, and the question made him sputter.
"What?"
Erwin leaned against the windowsill, staring out into the night with just the licks of lamplight illuminating his handsome face. This was far from the first night Levi had spent in Erwin's room like this, but somehow the man always found a way to throw something new at him.
"Women," Erwin repeated, turning from the view of the moon on a cloudless night over to the view of the sun, still fixing his clothes together to haul his way back to the barracks. "Are you interested in them?"
Levi gulped down the awkward knot that swelled in his throat. Delicate touches, soft meat, an impossibly wet heat. Yeah. He liked women.
"I guess." Erwin had spent long enough with his compact bed partner to know that was an emphatic yes. Blue eyes bore holes into Levi's head, and he felt the urge to turn away to protect himself from them. "What are you getting at?"
After a moment's pause, Erwin crossed the space between them, pressing big palms to either side of Levi's face, dipping his head to steal a kiss from a mouth that twitched like it wanted to fight back, but melted when it realized it didn't need to. When he parted, his voice was earnest and soft, and unexpectedly careful.
"I don't ever want you to feel like you're left wanting," he explained, meeting Levi's harsh eyes with ones so soft they would drip out of his sockets if it were possible. "I know what I'm capable of giving you. I'm wondering if you'd like more."
Levi pulled back, gripping Erwin's wrists roughly.
"What are you talking about?"
"You like women," Erwin continued. "I also like women. Don't misunderstand – you are more than enough for me. But I wonder if I'm all you could want."
Levi felt distaste burn his throat, a rough anxiety clawing at his stomach. The old memory of Kenny turning his back and never looking his way again. His lip twitched at the thought.
"If you want to fuck someone else, just do it," Levi snapped, sharp and more wounded than he wanted to let on. "We're not fucking married. I don't care."
He did care, actually, but he wasn't about to let Erwin in on the vulnerable panic tearing his insides to shreds.
"That's not it." Erwin reached for Levi's shoulders, and despite the urge to swat Erwin's hands away, he let them settle. "Please, listen to what I'm suggesting."
There was honesty in Erwin's eyes, affection and certainty, and damn it, Levi always fell for that look.
"Fine," he grumbled. "Speak."
The tension in Erwin's shoulders relaxed a little. He'd never forgive himself if he'd offended Levi so much that he'd storm out, so there was a peacefulness in the fact that he stayed put, glaring and grumbly as he may be.
"As I was saying, I don't want you to be left wanting. And yes, I'm interested in exploring what a woman's body could give us…" Erwin darted his eyes down, guilty, then looked back at Levi, determined. "But I mean exactly that. Us. Not just me. I don't want to explore this on my own – that doesn't interest me. I want it to be with you."
Levi's stomach twisted and turned as Erwin talked. He tried to picture it, tried to imagine he and Erwin in a bed with a woman between them. Sure, maybe it was exciting to think about. But would it be like that? Would there be a woman so deeply interested in both of them that when they were all together, no one felt left out? And would that same woman also be comfortable with the fact that he and Erwin were well acquainted with each other's bodies, too? Would a woman want to sit and watch them play with each other? Could she even stomach knowing it happened at all?
And not to mention the absolute insanity of letting anyone in on the very frowned upon and very actionable offense of engaging in sexual relations with someone of a different rank. Erwin would be insane to think this was reasonable. He'd be stripped of his rank, likely dishonorably discharged, and Levi? Levi would be back in the underground where he started.
How could he even suggest this? How could Erwin even consider bringing in another person, when there was so much riding against them? How could he think to gamble –
Ah.
A gamble.
That's what this was. A gamble. And if he was so sure the reward could be so good that he'd gamble with something so huge…
"Fine," Levi barked. "Fine. I'm not saying no."
Delight sparkled in Erwin's eyes and he leaned forward to press his forehead to Levi's.
"So who?"
Erwin drew back at the question, looking quizzically at Levi.
"Don't look so confused, if you brought this up, you have to have someone in mind already, right?"
Erwin grew pinkish in his cheeks, looking away apologetically.
"No," he said. "I don't know many women myself, most of the people in the higher ranks are men. I was actually… I was hoping you might know someone."
"Are you kidding me?" Levi was ready to fight, but he saw how excited Erwin had been just a moment ago, and when he deflated under his words he felt obligated to re-flate him back up. "Okay. Fine. Okay." Levi pushed a hand into his hair, eyebrows knit together. "Erwin, this is insane. I don't think a person like this exists, someone we could trust who would want us both…"
Levi swallowed again, a tight, uncomfortable gulp. Okay. Maybe this woman wouldn't have to want them both. Maybe all she needed to do was tolerate Levi being there. He could do that for Erwin. He could be the third wheel if that's what he needed. As much as he didn't like it. A defeated sigh erupted from his chest.
"Alright," he relented. "If I find someone trustworthy, I'll tell you about her." He met Erwin's reignited spark with a sharp warning of a glare. "This is a big fucking ask, Erwin. Don't get your hopes up. I don't know why you think I know all that many women, either. I've only got two on my squad, and I don't think I should shit where I eat."
"That kind of thinking would have prevented this, you know," Erwin reminded him fondly.
"Yeah, well," Levi huffed and turned to leave. "Unlike you, I'm not a gambler."
-
"What about you, huh? You ever spoken to the commander?"
Everyone was looking at you, now, the silent observer of a night of drinks and crackling fire. The captain wasn't around – he turned in early, probably tired of his drunken soldiers trying to egg out stories from him of the underground. The empty spot next to you in the circle was heavy with his absence, but you grew appreciative of it as the direction in conversation turned so dangerous.
"No." Your tongue was a little too big for your mouth, your head fuzzy from the alcohol. You were never much of a drinker. You couldn't draw or jot notes properly when you were drunk, and penciling things down in your journal was really the only bit of joy you had as a soldier since she went away and he passed on. You gulped down the memories with a swig of wine. Rest in peace.
Your squad mates were discussing Commander Erwin and his tenure under that role, about the misfortune of inheriting the Survey Corps moments before disaster. Naturally, as with any crowd of drunk people, it turned into fantasy and pestering.
"Ever even seen the guy?"
They were picking on you because you were often quiet.
"From afar." You took a swig of the wine and felt your eyes swim as you stared down at the crackling fire.
"Always thought about what I'd say if I got a chance to talk to him," Oluo slurred, having drank far more than the rest of the squad. He was about to say something inappropriate, given by the look on his face. He took a big gulp of his wine, choked on it, then said, "Got a lot to say to the bastard."
"Me too," you agreed, and several sets of wide eyes gravitated to your corner. "I think about that a lot."
You didn't chat much with your squad mates, mostly because you never had much to say, and under the influence of alcohol and the cool air of the night, this sparked their interest.
Petra tucked her hair behind her ear, exchanging a glance with Eld before leaning in and urging, "What did you decide on?"
You swirled the remaining wine in your cup, watching warm light from the fire dance on the cherry red through the darkness of the night. Your hands were cold, your ears and nose bitten pink, and you downed what remained of your drink and said quietly, "I'd ask if he was seeing anyone."
It was absurd. Insane for anyone to say, but you? It wasn't just the alcohol spurring humour in the circle of soldiers around the campfire – what you said was downright hilarious. From bellies full of wine grew laughter so uproarious that it would have stirred Levi from his slumber had he not been eavesdropping and squatted behind a tree a handful of meters away the whole time.
"You think you got a chance with the Commander!?" Eld had his hands pressed onto his knees, leaned forward and grinning. "I'm not trying to be an asshole, but come on!"
"Of course not," you sputtered, embarrassed. "But in some insane scenario where he's dedicating a moment of his time to speak to me… why not ask what's on my mind? It's… It's not a come-on, I'm just curious."
This was enough for Levi. He didn't want to hear anymore. He couldn't fucking believe it, in less days than he had fingers, he'd found a lead for Erwin's dirty little idea. He clutched at his shirt just over his stomach, feeling discomfort as his insides twisted and turned just below. He tried not to fixate on how confused he felt about the fact that it was you who wanted Erwin, and he skulked off to his bedroll, tucked deeper into the little forest your squad was camping out in. He was far enough away that he could still hear voices, but couldn't make it out unless he concentrated. His head was heavy. He needed to think.
"You're surprising me," Gunther grunted from across the fire. The typical stoic frown on his face had smoothed out as the night dragged on, and he was almost smiling, now. "With how you're always drawing him in that book of yours, I actually thought you had feelings for the Captain."
As if the flames had licked the skin of your cheeks, your face burned. You coughed like smoke had filled your lungs despite the breeze whirring air in the other direction. Fuck, you forgot that Gunther had been peering over your shoulder more than a handful of times when you were capturing moments of your dark haired Captain in the field, or speaking to a superior, or eating stew while squatted on the grass with sunlight turning his almost black hair into a delightful medium brown. He must have noticed that when you drew him you imagined what his skin would feel like under your fingertips, the texture of his hair, or the heat of his breath against your neck. Shit. You were too obvious.
"Admiring superiors is common. Everyone knows that." You had no idea if this was fact or not, so it was more than likely this was a lie. "And I have portraits of everyone I've fought beside." This part wasn't. You had a page for every soldier you'd gotten close enough to capture well in a drawing. It was part of your process, part of your routine to keep track of things in your journal.
"Yeah? Show me mine, then," Oluo insisted, partially because he doubted you and partially because he wanted to see if you'd drawn him looking good or not.
You dug into your breast pocket, pulling out the little book that was starting to run out of pages, and you flipped to a handful of months ago when you'd been chosen to join the Captain's squad. There he was. Oluo.
Oluo leaned in to see the page you'd opened your book to, squinting in the dark. His mouth was notably shut once he saw it. It was a nice drawing. You thought you'd captured him well. He had been chatting with Petra at the time, and there was fondness in his eyes. Oluo was ready to make a stink about being drawn ugly or poorly, but he found himself flattered by it. He settled back in his seat. Nothing else to say.
-
"Listen. I don't want to get your hopes up. But I think I might have found someone."
Erwin couldn't hide the childlike excitement that bloomed in his chest.
"Really?" He sat up on his bed, looking over to Levi as he turned away to avoid those piercing blue eyes. "So soon?"
"I don't know, yet," Levi elaborated. He was lying on soft cotton sheets next to Erwin, a towel held tight in his fist from where he'd cleaned himself up a moment ago. "But I… I think there's someone at least interested in you. It's a start. I'll keep an eye on her. No promises."
"Of course." A heavy hand settled on Levi's bare thigh. "Thank you. I trust your judgement. Is she on your squad?"
Levi didn't like how much that narrowed it down, but he wasn't going to lie. "Yeah."
"And you like her as well?"
It didn't matter if he liked you, he thought, but an ache stirred up in his stomach anyway. He just waved a hand in the air and sat up to get dressed. Erwin didn't push it.
-
This one was filthy. Rolled up and tucked in the inner pocket of your coat, you almost felt like it was giving off a smell.
It was well past curfew, and you were sneaking out of the barracks to make your trade. Having just got back from training in the forest, you were itching to get this done – your good pencil was on its last legs.
Your client was supposed to be meeting you somewhere by the stables, but it was enough of a walk that you felt like you had eyes on your back the moment you snuck out of the barracks. Aside from this little side-gig, you'd never broken a single rule as a soldier (well, fraternizing with other soldiers aside, anyway), so you always felt a rush of panic and excitement whenever you did this. And it was growing more often, since he…
You gulped back the twist in your chest. Stay focused, now, you're supposed to be sneaking.
You rounded a corner, so close to the doors that lead outside that you could almost smell the icy air of the night, when you almost flattened someone in your wake.
It was a brief bump, both of you jumping back in fright, but when your panic subsided enough to see who it was, it crept back up your neck and choked the air out of you in an instant.
"Sir!" You smacked your fist to your chest so hard you almost cracked a rib, standing at attention to your Captain, sweat dripping down your neck.
He settled himself, brushing off his shirt and eying you with suspicion, but also a bit of relief. Where had he come from? There were no barracks in that area. Was he just getting some air?
"You're supposed to be asleep," he stated, but he didn't sound particularly steadfast in his statement. Like he didn't really care that you weren't. His hair looked a little mussed, that soft shiny black looking like an endless void in the dim light of the corridor at night. You often got lost in the intrigue that swirled in you when you looked at those sharp, tired eyes, that hazy grey that bore into you when he spoke. You'd drawn this man a million times, but his face always struck you as new every time you saw it. Maybe that was why you kept penciling in new versions of him whenever you got the chance. "What are you doing sneaking around?"
You gulped, feeling the weight of your contraband settling heavily against your breast.
"Getting some air, sir."
"Just like you got some air before our last excursion?" He was accusatory, but if you were pressed to put a word on it, maybe a little amused, too. His eyes drew down to your pocket where your salute was resting a little too long.
He knew someone smuggling something when he saw it, and he'd had a hunch about you for a while now, but he had been opting to live and let live. But now curiosity was swirling in his chest, and to be honest, he wanted to know what it was you were doing. Especially if he ever actually thought to invite you into bed with he and Erwin. Shit, don't think about that now.
"You have a habit of getting air, don't you?" he pressed on. He was intimidating, for a man a head shorter than you. You didn't live off rumour like most others in the corps – you knew Levi's strength firsthand, having been on the receiving end on a few of his blows yourself during training, and that was him holding back. "Tell me something. What is it that you bring with you when you wander out into the night? And what is it that you bring back?"
"Sir," you said, gearing up to be a filthy little liar. "I'm just getting air. Not bringing anything there or back. Just air, sir."
Levi crossed his arms.
"Okay," he said, and you knew immediately that it was not okay. "Open your coat for me."
You gulped so loud he could almost laugh. Had he been anyone in the mood to get you in real trouble, you'd have been toast, but this was just an exercise in curiosity for him. He wouldn't want to bring you into bed if he knew you were into coderoin, or any of the other nasty shit that kept bodies slumped and docile in the streets of the underground.
You held your breath, shaky hands reaching for either side of your coat, pulling it all the way open. You felt oddly exposed doing it, even given the button-up you were wearing beneath it, and the licentiousness of the action wasn't lost on Levi either. The tiniest bit of pink danced its way across his stoic face, and his eyes struggled to focus on the inner pocket, and not on the female form before him. Peeking just over the top of the brown fabric, his eyes spotted it, it was – paper?
He reached up to pluck the item out of your pocket, and your eyes bugged out in panic.
"Sir, with respect, sir, I don't think you should look at that."
Discomfort stung Levi's tongue, burned acid down his throat. You were trading paper, which meant there was something of value written on it, and it killed him to think you might be trading military secrets to an outsider. There were plenty of people who didn't like the Survey Corps, who had qualms with Erwin as Commander, who would rather see funding go to filthy fat MPs in the interior instead of the only group with the balls to seek out what was beyond the walls.
Being an addict was one thing. Being a traitor was another. This was worse than he thought, and with trepidation he pulled on the twine and let it drop to the floor, quickly unrolling the paper to stare down into –
Grey eyes darted up to you, brows knitted so tightly together you thought he might get a facial cramp. He looked back down at the paper, lips pressed into a firm line, then he looked back up at you with finality and rolled the paper back up, holding it out to you.
"People… trade things for this?"
You were a little insulted and a lot embarrassed, and you snatched the roll out of his hands and collected the twine from where it had fallen to the ground, quickly tying it up.
"They requested this, sir," you said, standing back up straight and tucking it into your coat. "Commissioned it."
"Someone specifically asked for –"
"Yes, sir. They did. Sir."
Levi had seen a lot of shit in his life, but this was… this was new.
"It wasn't anyone in our squad, was it?"
"No, sir."
There was visible relief on his face, though he still seemed disturbed.
"Alright. I didn't see you," he said, and he started to walk past you, but he turned to warn you before leaving, "Don't get caught with that by anyone else."
Relief flooded you, and that warm admiration you always felt for your Captain spun back up in your chest.
"Yes, sir!"
-
"Pornographic drawings?"
"Yeah."
"Of Pyxis?"
"Yeah."
"In a wig?"
"Yes."
Erwin's head was resting in Levi's lap. It had been a few days since Levi caught you on your little trade, and he'd taken some time to absorb the information before telling Erwin about it.
"Did he… Did he still have the moustache?"
"Erwin, please," Levi urged, desperate. "I'm trying to forget."
"You have to forgive me," Erwin chuckled. "I'm just so astounded. Humanity can be so creative. So she's an artist?"
"Calling that art is…" Levi wanted to be cruel, but he couldn't deny that it had been an excellent drawing. He could tell it was Pyxis, even with the flowing hair and the eye lashes, even with the lingerie squeezed tight on what was supposedly an elderly woman's body, the lipstick under the mustache – Levi shuddered. "Yeah. She's an artist. She's good, too. Don't know why she uses it to draw… that, though."
Erwin offered Levi another soft chuckle. The sound of his laughter always tugged at Levi's heart. He looked good when he laughed.
In his lap, Erwin was calculating something. With curious eyes, he peered up to Levi and wondered, "Did you know she was an artist before this?"
Guilty eyes darted away immediately. "Yeah."
He was onto something. "You never mentioned it."
Erwin was an educated man, the kind of man that under different circumstances might appreciate works of art or literature. Levi wasn't particularly interested, though there was beauty in capturing a moment in life, and he felt envious that you were able to do so with such ease. It must have taken you years to learn that skill. Years he could never spare himself.
"Didn't seem relevant," Levi said.
"You talk about all of the members of your squad," Erwin noted, peering up at Levi from his lap. "All but one. So it isn't Petra. That leaves –"
"What do you care?"
At his sharp tone, Erwin reached up to Levi's cheek, pushing his thumb between his eyebrows until the tension smoothed out. Levi settled down, but kept a small frown on his lips.
"You don't need to be ashamed for being interested," Erwin said, earnest. "I asked this of you, did I not? And I'd like to get to know her, too, so I can see what's gotten your attention." He brought his hand back down and smiled up at Levi. "And, if she's been making trades like this all this time, and if she's open to… alternative sexual desires… She might just -"
Levi kept his eyes darted away.
"Yeah."
Erwin could see the trepidation in his lover's eyes. He needed more time. That was okay. Erwin could give him more time.
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," he offered. "I'll seek out an opportunity to meet her. Maybe something will develop naturally. How does that sound?"
"Whatever," Levi replied. But Erwin understood. He meant thanks.
-
"Hey. Time to ask if he's single, right?"
Oluo was leaning down to your ear, nudging you in your side. You followed his eyeline down the rolling hill your squad was training on, and there he was, just on the other side of the sparring grounds, holding papers and speaking to officers you'd never seen before. Blonde and broad and – oh, fuck, he's looking this way.
Panicked, you pretended to be deeply absorbed in the sparring exercise, gripping Oluo by his shirt and kicking out his leg to knock him down to the ground.
"Hey!" It came out half in a grunt, half in a gasp, the wind knocked out of him.
"We're supposed to be sparring," you chastised him. "Don't get distracted by pretty things in the distance."
Oluo scoffed but took your hand when you held it out, using you to lift himself back up. "Not sure if I'd call the man pretty myself. But I don't have an artist's eye like you do."
You shook your head, pushing Oluo away to take on a fighting stance, but before you could get into it he was standing at attention and saluting with vigour. You spun around, already saluting before you could see who you were paying respect to, falling in line next to Oluo. You were the same rank as him, so it was a safe bet, and you were glad you followed your instincts, because you turned to meet the bluest eyes you'd ever seen staring down at you.
"At ease." It was a gift, one that made your heart pound. You dropped your fist from your chest but stood still, eyes wide, breath locked deep in your chest.
"I don't believe we've met," the Commander of the Fucking Survey Corps said to you in a tone so casual, so polite, you almost wondered if you'd been knocked unconscious from a hit you didn't remember.
"Oluo, sir! It's an honour!"
Your eyes darted to the man who only a handful of nights ago referred to the Commander as a bastard, then your eyes slid back.
"Oluo," he repeated, politely, then he turned his attention to you, and your knees nearly buckled. He was beautiful, golden hair shining in the sun, eyes so blue you thought birds could soar in it. How could someone so handsome also be bright enough to lead an army? "And you?"
Your name rolled out of your mouth with some indecision, and you almost thought he was holding back amusement as he watched. Then, politely, he said your name back, and it felt not unlike it was the first time you'd ever heard your name aloud.
That strong slope of his nose. Those soft lips. When he spoke, his eyebrows rose, just a little. Your fingers twitched, wishing you had a pencil in hand. When would you ever get this close again?
There's green to the left of his pupils, just barely, just a little bit, and maybe some brown right at the edges, and –
"Oluo!" Next to you, Oluo whipped around at the sound of the Captain's voice, calling from across the sparring grounds. Perhaps the only person the man idolized, Oluo perked up when Levi followed with, "Get over here and show me if you've improved."
Oluo looked to the Commander for permission to depart, and with a quick nod, he was off. It wasn't unusual for Levi to take a personal interest in his squad's improvement, but the timing was suspect, given that the Commander of the Fucking Survey Corps was just speaking to him a moment ago. That said, your Captain and Commander seemed to have a more personal rapport, and if the stories you heard were correct, the Commander was the entire reason Levi even ended up here in the first place.
"I heard something about you," Erwin said casually when Oluo had trotted out of earshot. Your attention whipped back to him. "A rumour, if you will."
Your ribs shook with the hammering of your heart. Levi wouldn't… Levi wouldn't report you, would he? He'd seemed so casual when he caught you with your artwork. He wasn't –
"Please, don't look so alarmed," Erwin's voice was light and jovial, but it didn't make you feel any more relaxed. "I promise – it's nothing bad."
"Then…" You gulped and tried to unclench your jaw. "What… What is it, sir?"
Erwin looked off into the sparring grounds, humming quietly to himself, thinking.
"I've heard whispers that Levi has an artist on his squad," he finally explained, bright eyes fixating back upon you, making your knees threaten to give way. You were trying not to stare at his mouth, as beautiful and plush as those lips were.
"Oh," you squeaked, and offered nothing more. No wonder Levi had hidden affection for you – you were straightforward and didn't speak unless it was necessary. He wondered if that was because you had so many words in your head that you couldn't pick which ones should fall out of it, or if it was because you were so at peace you had nothing to add.
"Might that artist be you?"
You gulped, remembering the look of disgust on Levi's face when he saw your artwork of Pyxis. Surely Erwin wasn't asking about that, though. You tried to use the sound of soldiers sparring to get yourself out of your own head.
"Yes, sir, that's – that's me, sir."
You were excessive with your decorum, but there was something endearing in it that drew the corners of Erwin's lips up despite his attempts to seem impersonal. He was certain it would look unseemly to be chatting up a pretty young woman in the midst of a field full of soldiers, and yet he was here loitering around you anyway.
"May I see some of your work sometime?"
"My – " Your hand darted to your breast pocket, uncertainty causing you to chew on your lip.
"Oh," He noticed your fingers dusting over your coat. "Do you have some pieces on you?"
It was getting harder to breathe.
"Yes, sir, I – I do, sir, but…"
"I'm not a harsh critic," he tried to assuage you, warmth in his eyes. Somehow the fondness in his expression only made you more uncomfortable, shifting where you stood.
"It's just –"
"I'd love to see." He was trying to be encouraging, trying to coax you out of your shell, but the more he leaned in, the more you seemed to pull away. He realized he was pushing too hard, and he relented. "Ah, forgive me. I was simply excited at the prospect of engaging with an artist such as yourself, but I see I've made you uncomfortable. There's no need to show me anything, I-"
"Sir," you interrupted, brows knit, sweat beading on the back of your neck. "It's not that, sir, it's just that… This is…" You dug into your pocket and held the little book in your hands. It was worn and almost full, no larger than your palm. "This is more of a journal than anything, Commander. If… If you let me show you just a page or two… Sir, of course, if you need to inspect it, you're well within - "
Erwin raised his palms toward you, a soft smile on his handsome face. Your heart nearly knocked your ribs loose, it was beating so hard. He was beautiful. The sun illuminated the blonde locks of his hair like a halo. An angel staring down at you, asking to see your art.
"I won't pry," he promised you. "You have my word. I'll only look at what you choose to show me."
You sucked in a breath, your lungs feeling tight as you flipped carefully to a page you thought he might appreciate. It was one of your drawings of Levi, sitting on grass with his legs crossed, a bowl of stew secured in his hand. Steam wafted from the bowl – oh, you'd captured that beautifully – and his hair dusted over his forehead attractively. Levi had a spoon in his free hand, but he wasn't eating, just staring down into his bowl, thinking, brows furrowed, cheeks just a little bit blushed from the cold biting his skin.
"Breathtaking," Erwin told you, peering down at the book that you'd turned toward him. "Your Captain, I see. Do you often draw those you fight alongside?"
"Yes, sir." You felt giddy, showing this particular piece off. It was one of your favourites. Although he had his brows knit in thought, he looked peaceful. That aspect to it wasn't lost on Erwin. This was a drawing sketched out of fondness. He had no doubt. "It's a good way to remember them. Especially…"
You trailed off, a small frown digging into the sides of your mouth. You pulled the journal back, rifling through it.
"Have you lost many people close to you?"
It was a futile question – everyone had. But he meant recently.
"I have, sir."
"Are they in your journal, too?"
Yes, but not their faces.
"It was before I started recording those I fought with, sir."
"I see." Erwin was troubled by your pain, even though he barely knew you. "Were they middle class, by chance? Families of those better off tend to have paintings made. Perhaps –"
"No, sir. And… One of them is still alive. Just… Just discharged."
"Discharged?" He wanted to know if it was dishonourable, you assumed.
"Hardship, sir," you fiddled with your beltskirt, your throat and lungs feeling even tighter than before. It was hard to breathe, hard to stabilize your words. "Her remaining parent passed on, leaving uncared for children. Her siblings, sir."
Erwin pondered this information, and the pain written on your face.
"You're not in touch?" he asked, genuine. "Letters?"
"No, sir." There was an endless void between your ribs. And yet it still hurt. "Don't know where she lives."
Erwin swallowed a heavy feeling. He shared your pain, the sharpness that drew out that redness in your eyes. He wanted to help.
"I could find out for you," he offered. "Do you have her full name? Where she was enlisted?"
"No!"
Erwin gawped down at you with raised brows, his lips parted in his surprise. You reeled back, embarrassed and frantic, taking a step away from Erwin.
"No," you repeated, as if it clarified anything. Your voice grew lower the more you repeated it. "No, sir. No. Pardon my rudeness, sir. I –"
"It's no bother," he said softly, as though speaking to a cornered animal. "I understand the emotion that comes with loss." He looked down at you and your downturned eyes, the shame written on your face over your lost comrade. That was heartbreak written on your face. He was sure of it. "Loss of any kind," he clarified, then he took a step forward. "Thank you for showing me your work. It was beautiful. You are an exceptional artist."
He pressed a heavy hand to your shoulder, offering a squeeze that was meant to be consoling.
"Thank you for humouring me," he told you. "I'd love to see more works of yours sometime. See you again soon."
From across the sparring grounds, Levi saw that affectionate touch, and he pushed Oluo to the ground with far more force than necessary. Oluo scrambled to find his breath again, back flat on the dirt, and Levi turned away from you and Erwin, a slice in his chest burning red hot to his core. Jealousy.
But whether it was directed toward you for receiving Erwin's affection or at Erwin for being able to give affection to you, he couldn't differentiate. He did as he was used to – he shoved the feeling down.
"Left yourself open," he barked at Oluo, but it was more of an apology than anything, an acknowledgement that that was too far. But Oluo looked up at Levi with shining eyes, because for a moment his Captain treated him like a real threat.
"You're right, Captain!" he replied. "Do it again, I won't slip up this time, sir!"
-
"So tell me, little artist of ours," Eld was leaning toward you over his bread and stew, the noise of the mess hall loud enough to drown out the inappropriate conversation that was about to take place. "Now that you've seen the man up close and personal. Will you be filling that journal of yours with portraits of him instead of the captain?"
Your eyes darted down the table at Levi, who was eating with furrowed brows, ignoring Oluo as he excitedly told a story that would have been interesting to someone who hadn't already lived a thousand more interesting moments in his life.
"My journal has room for all kinds of faces," you replied.
"You starting a collection?"
For a moment you found yourself thinking of her, of her hair in the sun, of her arms dug under your thighs, her hands curled over to press into your hips. Then you thought of him, his rough hands that touched you gently, his whispers of love and devotion, the way he would gaze at you from across the room. Rest in peace. All of those touches, those senses, those memories. But you'd never drawn their faces. Only their bodies, pieces of them that at the time had signalled intimacy – no one would recognize them but you. But now when you tried to imagine their eyes or their lips, their smiles when you joked with them, you drew a blank.
Eld pulled back, seeing the ghosts that crept up your back and clawed at your skin. He let you blink away whatever had just pricked the whites of your eyes red.
"It's nice," he offered. "It's a nice sentiment. Keep doing it. Make sure mine is extra handsome."
-
It'd been days since you'd spoken to the Commander of the Survey Corps, since you showed him an illustration of Levi that you normally just admired privately on nights when you missed them most. She would tell you you're being a mopey wimp for not seeking out someone to share a bed with. He would be thankful he was the last person with whom you did.
You'd already finished your trade for the night, a fresh new set of artists pencils from Mitras clanking around in the tin in your inner pocket. You should have gone back to the barracks to sleep, but you didn't feel like there was any rest going to be afforded to you tonight. You hadn't slept right since your chat with Erwin.
He'd brought up a point you'd been trying to forget about. The fact that she was still out there, somewhere, and you didn't know where. The fact that she could easily write to you if she wanted to. You clutched at the ache in your chest and only felt your sketchbook and your pencils. Let it go.
If he were still around, he might have told you things were better off this way. Of course, he'd mean that only because it meant there was more room in your head and your heart for him. You wished you'd given more of yourself to him when you'd had the chance. He came well after her, and although you never told him about her, you thought he might have been alright with knowing about it. Not everyone would be. Same sex relations where still taboo, here, especially in the military. God. You wished you could have found out. Rest in peace.
The Commander was trying to be kind, offering to find her for you, but all it did was stir up old heartache that you thought you'd properly buried. And so you were reduced to skulking around at night, desperate to find a place to sit and sketch out whatever you could remember of her, or perhaps finally attempt that portrait of the Commander you'd been starting and giving up on over and over since you'd met the man.
It was hard to capture someone you'd only seen up close once – and even then, you'd been averting your gaze most of the time, stricken by the shining blue of his eyes, by the glowing ring of his hair in the sun. He was huge and broad and kind, wasting his very important time standing around, asking to look at your art. Fuck, your cheeks burned again, remembering his compliments. You were pathetic. You were also the littlest bit enraptured. But it seemed you had a pattern of hopelessly crushing on men of higher rank, now.
You turned a corner down an empty corridor. The hallways were lit up by moonlight shining through massive windows, and you always found this pale blue appealing. You longed for a chance to work with colours in your art, but your pocket weighed heavy with the fine graphite pencils you'd just obtained in exchange for a collection of artworks of a heavy breasted woman in various compromising positions. You certainly wouldn't let them go to waste.
It felt like you were alone, the headquarters always tended to grow still in the small hours of the night, especially since most people weren't actually supposed to be wandering around. You'd be reprimanded if you got caught, but you were hurting tonight, so maybe a weeks worth of laundry duty or being banished down to sharpen blades would be good for your soul. Something to get your mind off of things.
Just as you could practically taste the detergent and feel your fingers wrinkling in dirty laundry water, your ears pricked up to the sound of something not so far away. You had strayed quite a ways from the barracks, ending up in an area that seemed mostly abandoned – remnants of days when there were far more soldiers in the corps. Curious, you drew yourself closer to the sound. At first you thought it might have been an argument – observing other people's displeasure with each other was always interesting in some way or another, and would have been an excellent distraction. The closer you got to the noise, however, it was clear it was coming from the opposite spectrum of human interaction.
Wet slapping of flesh on flesh and hushed breaths hit your ears like music. It didn't matter who was doing it – sex was always titillating to overhear. You should have turned away, should have scurried back to the barracks with your fun little soundbite to remember and bring yourself off to – but curiosity bit at your jaw and lulled you forward. You had to try to see who it was. You knew in your heart that she would have.
You snuck forward toward the door left slightly ajar, peering your nosy eyes through the slit. This was an abandoned room, empty shelves lining the walls, no furniture to speak of inside. And there they were, one of them pressed up against the wall, the other pressing powerful thrusts into them. You couldn't help yourself. You dug your sketchbook out of your pocket, reaching into your other for your pencil, and it was so short now that it was hard to grip. You managed, locking it tight between your thumb and forefinger, opening your book to an empty page, just getting the first stroke down – a line of action – as you heard a familiar voice groan, "Fuck, Erwin!"
The breath was beaten out of your chest in an instant. Your eyes focused up from your book and onto the men making love in moonlight, and realization washed over you with such suddenness you thought it ought to make a sound. You suddenly recognized the spread thighs, the bare ass. Oh, fuck, you were not supposed to see this.
In your shock, your sketchbook and pencil tumbled out of your grip, their impact on the floor echoing in the empty storeroom. As if comical in the timing, the hinges of the door creaked when you jostled it, swinging slowly, painfully slowly, open, revealing you – the peeping Tom – in its wake.
The men halted, panic in their eyes at your interruption, two heads snapped in your direction. Your Captain, Levi, was pressed tight between the Survey Corps commander, Erwin Smith, and the wall. His legs were bare and hiked up on either side of Erwin's hips, and their lips were still connected by a string of saliva that shined in the dim light of the sconces not far from their place.
This was more than unexpected – this was breaching all sorts of rules – but it was also arousing, because you've never seen two men having sex before. Not to mention the overwhelming sight of the Commander of the Survey Corps' bare ass, sculpted strong and round and lit by moonlight, and your Captain's thighs, spread and tense and packed with dense muscle, so pale he glowed.
You felt a pang in your heart that hurt almost as much as the memories that were keeping you awake tonight, but new ones that were once fond were suddenly painted differently now. The accidental touches with your Captain that you thought maybe affected him as much as they affected you, the extra effort he would go to to check in with you after expeditions, the way he would sit with you in silence for much longer than he'd tolerate the company of any of your squad mates.
You'd dropped your sketchbook, but somehow it felt like your heart fell out with it.
You never really thought you had a chance with him. But having it confirmed, discovering you were the wrong gender the whole time…
They were still staring at you, frozen in time, caught in the act. In the frenzy of emotions and the panic of seeing something you were definitely not supposed to have seen, you punched your hand against your chest in the hardest salute of your life and practically shouted, "Sirs!" before quickly sprinting back to the barracks where you were supposed to be sleeping, not stopping to consider that you'd left your things behind until you were already huddling under the scratchy thin blanket of your bunk bed and scrambling to catch your breath. You let a few tears fall, too, lying to yourself that they were for him and her, and not the implications of what you'd just seen. It was much less pathetic, that way.
-
"Shit, shit, shit, shit," Levi was pushing Erwin off of him, trying to get his feet back on the ground.
"It's alright," Erwin soothed. "It's alright, calm down, it was just –"
"She saw," Levi huffed, his lungs feeling too big for his ribs, his heart pounding so hard it tightened his throat. "She saw – "
"And?" Erwin pulled himself out of Levi, let him scurry to grab his discarded trousers from the floor.
"I knew we shouldn't have done this here – Why did I let you convince me? Fuck – She saw – she – "
Two heavy hands pressed to either side of Levi's face and drew his attention upward. Levi's trousers were still half up his thighs, held through fists so tight his knuckles were white. He was spiralling, panicking, and Erwin tried to anchor him back down.
"Levi," he said, his voice steady. "This is a good thing."
"What?" He practically spat the word out. "Erwin, I don't think you get it, not everyone is okay with –"
"I know." Blue eyes bore into Levi's soul with vicious intensity, daring him to try to draw away. "Levi. I know that. But I think she's the same."
"What?" He wasn't following, too busy picturing disgust in your face when all that had been there in reality was shock.
"She's the same as us," Erwin stated again. "Interested in men and women. She'll understand."
"What the fuck? Why would you –" Levi thought back to stories he'd overheard you telling to your squad mates. There weren't many to remember – you didn't often share – but the ones you did were about people you had once loved, and he couldn't for the life of him remember you using any particular pronoun. Something uncomfortable twinged in his throat at the fact that Erwin had figured that out about you before he did.
"She told me of a woman who she'd lost," he explained. "Not killed in action but discharged. Left her behind." Erwin tried to understand the expression on Levi's face, but there was too much panic mixed in to make any sense of it, so he pressed on. "It was heartbreak on that little face of hers."
"Okay." Levi sounded so bitter it made him feel ashamed of himself. "That just means she likes women. Guess that means she won't be joining us in bed like you wanted, but – "
"It's not just women." That portrait of Levi was far more telling than you must have intended, and it had been weighing heavy on Erwin's mind. It wasn't jealousy that kept it floating around at the edge of his thoughts, just fascination. You were kindred spirits – two people equally struck by Levi. He wanted to commiserate with you over it. Desperately.
"You can't know that," Levi challenged.
"It's a hunch," Erwin admitted. "But I think I'm onto something. Listen – I know you're upset. Getting caught like this is… It's definitely problematic. However, I think this is given us an opportunity. You'd been humming and hawing yourself about how to ever actually speak to her about her joining us. Well, Levi, I think we just found our opening."
Levi felt horror-struck, not quite ready to deal with any of the fears that had been spurring panic in his chest. He would endure anything for Erwin's sake, certainly, but it didn't mean he revelled in the idea of watching you avoid looking at him in favour of getting an eyeful of his bedmate. Shit.
It was sharp, it was uncomfortable, but he forced it all down his throat and let it sit heavy in his stomach.
"Fuck. Okay," he said. "What is it? What's your plan?"
"Get her into my office tonight," Erwin commanded. "Let me talk with her. At the very least, we can get that creative mind of her spinning in our direction. Perhaps my gamble will pay off."
"And if it doesn't?"
Erwin drew in a sharp breath, turning to look out the window of the abandoned room, admiring the moon amongst the stars. Then he turned back to the brightest light in his life and said, "The girl admires you. She wouldn't use this knowledge against you. And if she tries to, we'll put the blame on me."
"I don't like that," Levi grumbled. "I hate that, actually."
"Yes," Erwin agreed. "Well. Hopefully it won't come to that. Go retrieve her, please, I'll wait for you in my office."
"I'm not going to see her like this," Levi snapped, gesturing to his lower body and the oil that was smeared and staining his trousers as he spoke. "I'm showering and changing first. So you're gonna have to wait."
"I'll wait all night if I have to," Erwin promised, and he pulled Levi into an affectionate kiss, one full of promises and comfort. But all Levi felt was nerves. "Give that booklet back to her. And… If you look through it, I'm sure you'll find that I was right. She has secrets in there. I'm certain of it."
Levi scoffed and snatched the book from the floor, stuffing it into his pocket along with the tiny stub of a pencil that had rolled not too far from it.
"I'm not about to start reading young women's diaries, Erwin."
"She's about your age," Erwin corrected, and when a sharp look was thrown in his direction, he raised his palms in his defense. "I looked into her, just a little."
"You're a menace when you're horny," Levi chided, and he made his leave.
"You're usually such a fan," Erwin quietly commented back, just loud enough to make Levi smirk on his way out.