Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Like any skilled actress, Blair was adept enough to take on multiple roles throughout her life. 

From birth, she was Eleanor Waldorf’s daughter. 

At age five, Serena van der Woodsen’s best friend. 

At twelve, Nate Archibald’s girlfriend. 

At sixteen, Queen B. 

At seventeen, the mouse to Chuck’s cat. 

The more roles she took on, the more she held steadfast onto The Plan: Yale, marriage, children, career as a powerful woman (doing what exactly, that was still to be determined). But at least there was a plan. 

At eighteen, The Plan went to shit. 

---

It’s almost embarrassing how quickly her and Nate break-up that third time. They had once spent four years together, nearly inseparable for three of them, and now they couldn’t even make it the full two weeks of spring break. Pathetic. 

She’s upset about losing Nate, sure, upset that she sold him out the way she did, corrupting the only pure thing she had left in her life. But deep down, she’s more upset about losing what he represented: a socialite future as a Van der Bilt, maybe not becoming a powerful woman through hard work, but at least becoming one through the sheer force of her social connections. Now she truly has nothing.

The penthouse is mostly dark when the Van der Bilt driver finally drops her off at home, only a light coming from the kitchen to illuminate the way up to her bedroom. She’s hit by a sudden urge to binge and purge, or as sudden of an urge it can be when she’s been making herself throw up three times a week ever since Yale fell apart. She heads towards the kitchen, figuring there must be something left over from Cyrus’ seder she can binge on, only to discover the kitchen light was left on for a reason: Dan Humphrey is in there.

His shirt sleeves are rolled up as he washes and dries dishes, although he turns around when he hears her enter behind him, rolling his eyes once he sees her. “Great, as if this evening hasn’t been humiliating enough.”

She takes him in, the white shirt, the black vest and tie, the fact that he’s doing chores in a house that isn’t even his and blurts out “You’re a cater waiter now?” before she can stop herself.

He turns his back on her, and even through his shirt and vest, she can make out the tense line of his spine. “Leave me alone, Blair. Don’t you have some Van der Bilt wedding to focus on anyway?”

“Nate and I broke up.”  

She’s not sure why she even tells him. But he turns back around, finally looking her in the eye. “Serena got married.”

“Sounds like we both could use a drink then.”

They get drunk off the leftover wine from the seder, or attempt to anyway, the Jewish wine (Manischewitz, Humphrey tells her) too sweet for them both. They sit on the floor of her kitchen and don’t speak much. For once, neither of them has much to say.

As his eyes fixate sadly on some invisible spot on the wall, lost in a thought he clearly doesn’t want to share with her, she studies his face. His coloring is similar to Chuck’s, but his features are finer, softer, more delicate. He’s not as pretty as Nate, but he’s still beautiful to look at. She always bitterly understood what Serena saw in him, with his outsider status and his annoyingly good heart and ethical morals, but she never really considered that his looks might be one of the things that attracted Serena to him.  She had never really looked at him, always trying to look through him instead.

She chalks up what she does next to temporary insanity. A little after midnight, he gets up, saying that he should be getting home. Blair gets up with him, with the intention of walking him out the door, but he turns to look at her, his eyes soulful and amber-colored in the light of the kitchen, and instead of leading him out, she takes his face in both of her hands and kisses him.

He freezes, and Blair panics, worried he’s about to humiliate her, knowing she more than deserves it, but then he kisses back, pulling her closer to him, one hand gripping her waist tight, the other wrapping around the back of her neck. He’s going to ruin her updo, but Blair can’t bring herself to care.  

They simply kiss in the kitchen for what feels like hours. When Blair finally pulls away for air, she intends to tell him to get lost, to forget this ever happened. But she takes in his swollen lips, his red cheeks, his eyes that have turned impossibly dark, and invites him up to her room instead.

Humphrey follows.

---

She doesn’t know why she does it. She’s officially not Nate Archibald’s girlfriend once again. Her Queen B status is tenuous at best; even if she manages to hold onto her crown for the last two months of senior year, there won’t be a kingdom to lead once she graduates anyway. Her game with Chuck has ended in humiliating defeat after she came to him in her lowest moment, and he still decided her terms of surrender weren’t good enough for him. She’ll always be Eleanor Waldorf’s daughter she supposes, but lately it’s felt more and more like a curse than a blessing. Being Serena van der Woodsen’s best friend is all she has left, and yet here she is doing what she does best. She’s sabotaging herself and the only true friendship she’s ever really had, all for what? A boy from Brooklyn with no fashion sense she doesn’t even particularly like? How does any of this make sense? 

The sex is surprisingly good though. Between her lost weekend with Carter and her brief reunion with Nate, who had clearly learned a few things in their time apart, it’s not like she’s been lacking in good sex lately. But Humphrey is different than anyone else she’s been with. He doesn’t kiss her as if it’s something he’s just doing to appease her until she lets him skip to the next part, he kisses her as if he truly enjoys it, as if he can spend the whole night doing just this and still be satisfied.

His touch is more confident than she expected, but it’s not greedy either, following her lead, letting her set the pace. A horrible thought surges through her, that he’s clearly a good learner in more than just the classroom, that Serena clearly taught him well, but she buries that back down to wherever it came from. She doesn’t want to think about Serena right now, doesn’t want to think about what her face would look like if she knew about this betrayal. She wants to act sixteen again and pretend like Serena never even existed.

Throughout, her mind wanders, trying to pin down a motivation for why Humphrey’s even doing this with her, wondering for a second if this is some sort of perverse revenge for how her mother must’ve treated him tonight. But even after he comes (after he made her come three times, something she’s too stubborn to show him any gratitude for), he still kisses her, and Blair knows then that this cannot simply be chalked up to hate sex.

Humphrey’s hyperverbal tendencies finally return in the afterglow. “This isn’t the first time I was in this room tonight,” he says, his voice rough. “This is where Serena told me she got married,” he explains glumly.

Blair feels a pang of guilt, wondering if it could count as taking advantage of someone if you never planned to do it. “So, what, you got revenge on her by sleeping with the best friend? How cliché, even for you.”

“This wasn’t revenge,” he shakes his head. “I – I don’t really know what this was, but I didn’t think about Serena once. Not until it was over.”

Blair hates herself for kissing him again.

---

She kicks him out in the early hours of the morning, the sun only just beginning to rise, spring slowly arriving alongside it.

She watches him get dressed in his cater waiter uniform again from the safety of her bed, not making any moves to get up herself. “Humphrey – “ she calls out as he reaches for the doorknob, surprising even herself. “This – we can’t – “

“Don’t worry about it, Blair,” he says, unable to look her in the eye. “I’ll see you at school.”

---

School on Monday feels normal, at first.  

The minions still follow her around, even if she can hear them make snarky comments about her under their breath. Serena greets her as if nothing has fundamentally changed, and Blair supposes to Serena, nothing has, droning on and on about how helpful Cyrus was during the whole marriage debacle, completely resolved now, the “husband” Blair never even got to meet seemingly out of Serena’s life for good.

Her classes are the same as always; Blair had never realized just how mundane school could be until she stopped trying, stopped caring. What does it matter if she’s valedictorian anyway if she has no Yale to follow it with.

From across the courtyard between classes, Nate glares at her while Chuck leers at her, clearly aware that she is once again single. She ignores them both.

Out on the steps, she doesn’t touch her lunch once, but no one blinks twice at it. It’s nothing unusual; she hasn’t eaten lunch in months.

But the truth of it is, she’s going through the motions, as if she’s sleepwalking through her own life. After school she’s supposed to have Student Council and French Club meetings back to back, but she finds that she can’t bring herself to go to either. Serena had ditched by fourth period and was god knows where and she knows Dorota will be suspicious if she comes home too early, so she wanders around campus with no particular plan, no particular drive to actually do anything, despite living in the most exciting city in the world or whatever.

She ends up at the library. It’s just a coincidence that Humphrey is there too, she had no idea. She swears. His jacket is off, his shirt sleeves rolled up and tie loosened, looking just like he did the other night. He appears to be teaching a freshman some geometric equations and Blair rolls her eyes. Of course, he’s a Peer Tutor. Of course. Would it kill him to be a little less good?

He looks up then, their eyes meeting across the room, a rush of heat hitting Blair despite the chill of a springtime draft wafting through.

The next thing she knows she’s on her knees in a janitor’s closet, unbuttoning Humphrey’s horrible khakis as he looks down at her in awe.

It’s not the worst way to spend an afternoon.

---

They hook up three more times that week.

They spend most of their time at her house, in her bedroom. It just makes more sense. Her place is closer to school, and Cyrus and her mother are always working or away, and Dorota is paid to keep secrets. They can be alone here, unlike Humphrey’s, with his dad and his sister and his best friend popping in all the time, a family who loves him, a family that is always around. 

She still can’t figure out why she keeps doing this. She’s no Serena, but men are still easy. She could have almost any boy in school she wanted. There’s no reason she should be doing this with Humphrey. Especially not if it could cost her Serena.

But she senses something in Humphrey, something dark, some sort of discontentment. Something she recognizes because she has it too. 

You’re not so different, you and Dan, Serena had said once. Blair doesn’t think this is what she had meant. 

---

The following Monday is Humphrey’s birthday.

She had no idea, watching from afar as Serena and Jenny and Eric and Nate all surround Humphrey in the courtyard that morning, showering him with their affection. She feels a pit in her stomach she throws up before first period.

She leaves the minions on their own for lunch, finding Humphrey reading a well-worn copy of The Bell Jar in the courtyard. How fitting.

“Doing some light birthday reading?” she asks as he lifts his eyes up towards her.

“You’re talking to me during school hours? What a birthday treat.” He doesn’t sound bitter, only amused.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Blair hates how much she sounds like a pouting little girl.

Humphrey simply shrugs. “We don’t really talk about that stuff.”

Blair thinks of a hallway, a momentary truce, a feeling of being understood from an unexpected source. Thinks how she wouldn’t mind having that again. “Well…maybe we should.”

“I don’t think I’m going to be able to go to Yale,” he blurts out. “The financial aid is…nonexistent and neither of my parents can afford it, can make it work, even if my dad won’t admit it. That’s why I took the cater waiter job. I was trying to help. But even if I worked a thousand of those jobs this summer, it would only be a drop in the bucket.”

He looks down, as if he’s suddenly embarrassed, ashamed of having been so vulnerable in front of her. As if she’s going to use it against him. The Blair of two months ago probably would’ve.

But that was the Blair who was going to go to Yale, too. This Blair simply sits down across from him and says, “That really sucks, Dan,” before offering him a hopefully not too pitying smile.

He smiles back.

Chapter Text

As April begins to turn into May, Blair finds herself doing some spring cleaning, combing through her closets, throwing out items that remind her too much of Chuck or Nate. The red dress Chuck bought her, gone. The green rugby shirt she had stolen from Nate when they were fourteen and had never given back, gone. The slip from that night at the Victrola, she tells Dorota to burn.

She goes on like that for a while before coming across her headband collection. It’s not that the headbands specifically remind her of any one boy. It’s that they remind her of who she was when she was with them, unhappy, stifled, constantly craving a love she was never shown.

But that’s not who Blair wants to be anymore. So, the headbands are gone just like everything else. She has no need for a crown anymore anyway.

The minions aren’t happy about it when she tells them to get rid of theirs, but Dan glances her way, giving her a soft smile from across the courtyard.

She pretends not to feel the butterflies fluttering away in her stomach.

---

Talking to Dan about real things is about as weird as having sex with him has been, in that it really hasn’t felt that weird at all. They trade stories back and forth from the comfort of Blair’s bed, almost like two kids at a sleepover, only there’s really nothing childish about it.

Blair tells him all about how much the idea of Yale had meant to her, how it was the first thing her and her father ever bonded over, how much she clung to the idea once he left, as if following in his footsteps could get him to come back.

He tells her about how hard it’s been being a scholarship student in a world he will never fit into, how many sacrifices his parents made to help him get to the Ivy League, how in the end it still wasn’t enough, and he can’t help but feel disillusioned even though he doesn’t want his parents to ever think he blames them.

They have a lot more in common than she ever realized, the years they’ve had starting to sound eerily similar the more they share. After Lily and Rufus get engaged, they commiserate over the struggle of learning to be in a blended family (although Dan, of course, has it worse, what with one of his new step-siblings being his ex-girlfriend and all). He tells her about his brief affair with Miss Carr, about how foolish he feels in the aftermath, how he made it out to be some grand forbidden love in his head, only to realize it was nothing more than tawdry sex and, well, Blair can certainly relate to that.

She swears him to secrecy before she tells him about Jack Bass, about how ashamed and disgusted of herself she had felt, admitting that getting revenge never makes you feel as good as you wish it did. He kisses her on the forehead and strokes her hair afterwards, and it’s getting harder and harder to ignore those damn butterflies.

---

It takes two weeks before he opens up about the dead brother he’ll never get to meet.

It’s the first time Blair ever sees him cry.

---

Lily and Rufus have an engagement party the second weekend of May.

She goes with her mother and Cyrus, but after the millionth utterance of “Blair’s not sure yet where she’s going next year” to some old snobby society matron Blair has grown tired of trying to impress, she ditches them, ending up by herself in the venue’s coat closet with a bottle of Dom.

Dan finds her without her even sending him a text. He’s gotten good at that.

He tries to take the bottle out of her hand, but she yanks it away. “Blair,” he sighs. “You shouldn’t be drinking alone like this.”

“Well, then, come join me.”

He does, although the bottle of Dom is quickly forgotten for a round of coat closet sex that leaves lipstick all over his face and neck that Blair then has to spend fifteen minutes trying to rub off before the toast he’s supposed to give.

Blair can still notice the slightest tint to his lips as he speaks in front of the crowd, and it makes her smile, before she realizes she’s feeling possessive over Dan Humphrey of all people.

It still doesn’t stop her from leading him back to that coat closet for a second round.

---

Despite their careless behavior at the party, they try to be extraordinarily careful at school.

They rarely acknowledge each other, and when they do, they play pretend, biting and snapping and making mean comments that make Serena roll her eyes and ask why they can never get along.

It adds an edge to things, letting everyone think they can’t stand one another before heading to Blair’s and hiding away in her room for sex and conversation. Sneaking around is nothing new to Blair, but this feels different than any of the previous times. Maybe because there’s more at risk.

If Serena catches on, that would be it. Things between them have never quite been the same since Serena came back from boarding school with a new outlook on life, one that Blair is still struggling to see where she fits into. She resented feeling like just another minion to Serena at school, resented having to always be the one to take care of her when Georgina left her abandoned at some club, resented the way the world seemed to revolve around Serena, up until the moment it didn’t. But at least back then, she always knew where she stood, knew she always had a place right next to Serena’s side.

If Serena found out that Blair was sleeping with her ex, it would confirm exactly what she had said to Blair in the dressing rooms at the Age of Innocence. Betrayal’s in her nature. And it would be a betrayal Blair could never come back from.

Her and Dan don’t talk much about Serena, but he couldn’t have agreed more when Blair told him they can never, ever let her find out about this.

“And, uh…I don’t want Vanessa ever finding out about this either,” he tells her, a little sheepish. “Just…there’s a lot of bad blood between you two. And Jenny. Oh god, and you’re Nate’s ex, if he found out – “

“I get it,” Blair snaps. “This stays between us.”

She hates the look of relief that crosses his face at that. She sticks two fingers down her throat that night to try to forget it.

---

Unlike her, Dan actually had a back-up plan.

“Not all of us are legacies with last names that guarantee us entry,” he tells her over pastries in bed. “I had to have back-up schools.” His tone is light, but Blair can sense the bitterness underneath it. She’s always been good at finding peoples tells, especially when they’re not too different from hers.

He picks NYU, claiming they had a great writing program and that he could save money by living at home. She knows deep down he’s incredibly disappointed that he can’t go away to Yale, to not be able to have a true college experience away from home. Yet, she’s still jealous of him. At least he has something.

The mention of NYU jolts something within her though, and for the rest of the day she feels something nagging at her, as if she forgot her keys, before she finally remembers Cyrus’ friend JR as she’s getting ready for bed.

It had been weeks since she had shot Cyrus’ offer down cold, but he doesn’t begrudge her when she comes crawling back, practically begging him for help. He can only get her an interview, and even if it goes well, she’ll only get in if someone turns down their spot. But at least she has something to cling to now too.

She doesn’t tell Dan about it though. She doesn’t want him to think this has anything to do with him.

And it doesn’t. She swears.

---

Of course, there’s still the matter of Chuck.

Blair avoids him at all costs, ducking into corners and turning in the other direction, anything to not get caught in his trap. She doesn’t care if Chuck thinks she’s weak. She meant what she said. She’s exhausted.

It’s because of her plan of avoiding Chuck like the plague that leads her to start using the back entrance to school, which in turn, leads her to stumbling across Dan one morning, not so subtly smoking a cigarette.

He looks embarrassed when she catches him. “There are much faster ways to kill yourself, you know.”

He rolls his eyes at her. “This – no. No. It’s just an occasional thing I picked up. I don’t do it often. It’s just helped with all the stress. Come on,” he protests when she raises an unimpressed eyebrow at him. “You’re gonna really tell me you haven’t picked up any unhealthy coping mechanisms.”

Blair ignores the hunger pain lingering in her stomach. She had skipped breakfast. Again. “I guess some of us are just stronger than others,” she smirks at him.

She yelps in surprise as he presses his mouth to hers, only to then momentarily forget where they are, getting lost in the kiss. He must use mouthwash after a smoke because she can certainly taste the tobacco on his breath right now, but she doesn’t even really mind.

It’s only when he goes to wrap an arm around her waist that she remembers where they are, pushing him away. “Humphrey, what are you doing! Someone could’ve seen us.”

He blinks back at her, seemingly dazed, before shaking his head. “I’m – I’m sorry. You just, uh, you looked really…I don’t know what came over me.”

“Don’t make it a habit.”

But there’s not nearly enough bite in her tone for her liking.

Chapter Text

It rains one Saturday night, a precursor to the summer rain sure to come. They spend the evening together, watching old movies on Dan’s laptop, The Philadelphia Story, Rosemary’s Baby, even Nights of Cabiria. Blair is long past caring if Dan sees her cry.

They’re in the loft for the first time since…whatever this is has started up. Rufus was at Lily’s and Jenny had gone to see their mom, Dan lying and saying he had to stay behind to finish a paper. They’re curled up together under his stupid football sheets, naked and sated, Dan running a hand down her arm, when he pauses at some uneven skin at her elbow.

He quirks an eyebrow. “How’d you get that?” 

“Mm,” Blair hums, trying to recall a long-forgotten memory. “I fell off my bike one summer in the Hamptons. I think I was like eight.” She remembers then, how Serena had stopped the bleeding with her own shirt, not caring that it was going to stain, not caring how unhygienic it was. It’s not gross, Serena had told her when Blair had protested. It’s you.

Blair doesn’t tell Dan that part though. They seem to have an unspoken rule that Serena doesn’t exist when they’re in bed like this. Instead, Blair reaches for the spot she already has memorized, the jagged skin on his right knee. “How’d you get this?”

“Fell down the fire escape,” Dan snorts. “Or, more accurately, Jenny pushed me. But she didn’t mean to. I was twelve.”

“And this one?” Blair asks, reaching for the one on his left thumb.

“Just a simple cooking injury. Not that interesting. None of my scars are interesting.” But Blair disagrees. She feels like she’s playing catch-up sometimes. That she has so much lost time to make up for when it comes to them. Or maybe, deep down, she knows that she’s running out of time.

She doesn’t like either of those thoughts.

---

Blair’s NYU interview is that Tuesday.

It’s certainly different than her Yale interview, that’s for sure. She doesn’t reference Serena once, just focuses on herself, her own accomplishments, her own stories. She’s honest with JR about the whole Rachel Carr situation, honest with him about her days as Queen B, honest when she tells him that the person listed in her application is just one version of herself, and that most days, it’s the only version of herself that she really likes.

JR looks at her for a long moment, clearly lost in thought, although his face remains neutral. Blair panics, worried that she’s revealed too much of herself, that she made a huge mistake in being honest, cursing herself inwardly for not lying and playing pretend like she’s been training her whole life for.

But then JR smiles. “I see why Cyrus is so fond of you, Blair. You might have that tough outer shell, but when you crack it open, let the world see the real you…I think you’re going to go on to do some really amazing things. And I want NYU to be a part of that. I’m not sure if we’ve had any students defer or rescind their spots yet, but if one does…consider yourself accepted!”

The old Blair would’ve broken into JR’s secretary’s desk or hacked into her computer and stolen the acceptance list in order to start a dedicated blackmail and manipulation campaign. But the new Blair simply smiles and holds back tears of joy, relief spreading through her veins. She might not be all the way there yet, but she’s closer than she has been in months.

She’s going to count this one as a victory.

---

She takes a cab back uptown and has it drop her off near the 86^th Street Transverse, not far from where Dan and Nate were supposed to be playing the pick-up soccer game Dan had told her about that morning.

It’s a sunny afternoon, the springtime chill finally given way to warmth, and Central Park is overly crowded as a result, even for a Tuesday afternoon, sunbathers and young kids and even men in suits all trying to get a small taste of summer to get them through the rest of their week.

She’s going to tell Dan, she decides. She’s basically as good as in now, and if they really do end up going to the same college, that’s not something he should be blindsided with. He deserves to know.

But when she finally finds him and Nate on the lawn, watching from afar as they lazily kick a ball back and forth, laughing about something, she can’t seem to make her legs move forward. Instead, she turns back around and walks home.

It’s not time to tell him after all, she tells herself. It’s too soon, nothing is official yet. And she doesn’t want to get his hopes up, doesn’t want him to read into her choice of school, or think she choose it because of him. She doesn’t want him to get any wrong ideas and get overly excited about continuing whatever this is in college as well. Doesn’t think she could stand to see the happy face that she would quickly have to crush.

And she doesn’t think she could stand it if he didn’t react that way at all.

---

Blair tries to suppress her anxiety when she gets home, lazily skimming through her well-worn copy of Emma before she finally gives in and heads into the bathroom to regain a sense of control.

When she comes back out, teeth brushed and hair fixed, Dan is standing in the middle of her bedroom, hands in his pockets, an unreadable expression on his face.

“What are you doing here, Humphrey?” she bites out, embarrassed, caught. 

“Dorota let me in. Are you - were you making yourself throw up in there?"

“Leave me alone,” she pushes past him back to her bed. She sits down on the edge, looking up at him defiantly. “It’s none of your business.”

Dan stares back at her, mouth gaping open. “Blair, I’m worried about you. If you’re bulimic – “

She lets out a scream she didn’t even realize she had been holding in. “Don’t!” He takes a step back, a look appearing that she hasn’t seen on his face in quite some time. Fear.

“Just…don’t,” she says to him again, quieter, softer this time. “You’re not my boyfriend. You’re not my anything.”

“Really?” he asks, his head shaking, brow furrowing. “I’m not anything to you? This has all meant nothing to you?”

There’s too many things surging within her that Blair won’t allow herself to say to him, so she ends up saying instead, “Hey, we all have our unhealthy coping mechanisms, don’t we?”, parroting his own words back at him.

“Is that what I am? Just a coping mechanism?”

“Isn’t that what I am?”

He sighs, fixing her with a hard stare. “I know what you’re doing. You’re pushing me away. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not running.”

“Well, not yet anyway.”

“Is that why you didn’t tell me about…” he trails off, gesturing back towards her bathroom. “You thought it would make me run?”

She shrugs back at him. “Something like that.”

“Blair, you told me all about fucking Jack Bass out of revenge, you really thought having body image issues would scare me off?”

“Maybe you just don’t understand me then.”

Dan’s face falls, making the expression Blair has dreaded seeing. “Yeah. Maybe I don’t."

“Then maybe you should go.”

“Is that really what you want?”

Blair can’t bring herself to say anything. She’s revealed too much of herself today already.

“Fine,” he bites out. “Fine. I – goodbye, Blair.”

He slams her bedroom door behind him on his way out, but he certainly didn’t have to.

Blair already knows he meant goodbye for good.

Chapter Text

Blair spends the rest of the week in a mood. More of a mood than usual. Mourning, some might call it, but Blair refuses to use that word.

“How unlike you, Miss Waldorf,” her Psychics teacher comments after she incorrectly recites Newton’s second law of motion.

“What’s the matter with you?” Penelope asks when Blair doesn’t join in as the rest of them sneer at Jenny Humphrey’s overdone eye shadow.

“Blair, for god’s sake, I thought you were past this!” her mother scolds after Blair insults Cyrus for the first time in months. Cyrus takes it all in good humor, which just makes Blair want to strangle him more.

Even Serena, who’s begun to grow impossibly lighter and sunnier over the weeks, as if she’s doing the math in her head of how little time she has left on the Upper East Side before she spends her summer abroad and heads off to Brown, takes notice.

“What’s been going on with you?” Serena asks one afternoon as she leads Blair away from her minions and plants her down at an empty table at the edge of the courtyard. “You’ve been acting off for weeks now,” she continues on when Blair remains silent. “Maybe months.”

Blair rolls her eyes, wishing Serena was really as oblivious as everyone else thought she was. “I’m fine, S. This is how normal people who don’t have the easy, breezy, beautiful Cover Girl life act.” Not her best work, Blair admits to herself. Serena’s going to see through that.

And Serena does. “Dan told me you’ve relapsed, Blair.” Blair freezes. “He said he caught you at school one morning.”

It slips out before Blair even really realizes what she’s saying. “No. He didn’t. Dan and I were sleeping together. It’s over now but…that’s how he found out.”

Blair hates the heartbroken look that crosses Serena’s face with a passion. Absolutely hates it. “How long?”

“Six weeks,” Blair tells her honestly. “But it was just a momentary lapse of judgement. It meant nothing.” Less honest.

“No. No it didn’t,” Serena shakes her head vehemently. “If it did, Dan would’ve told me when it first happened, and you wouldn’t have told me at all. It clearly meant something. You - you called him Dan.” Blair curses inwardly at the slip-up. 

“I’m sorry – “ Blair reaches out towards her, but Serena shrugs her off, standing up in a huff.

“I can’t believe you! You punished me for what I did with Nate for so long and then you turn around and do this. I - I gotta go, I don’t want to be around you right now.” 

“Serena, please – “

But it’s too late. Serena’s gone.

---

Chuck corners her by her locker as she’s on her way out because he always has the worst fucking timing.

“I heard Serena stormed away from you in the courtyard. Pray tell, what could you have possibly done to make my dear sister so angry this time, Blair?”

“Dear sister? Give me a break, Chuck. Serena tolerates you, for Nate and her mother, and I guess me, but make no mistake: she has always thought you were absolute scum.”

Something dark and frightening flashes in his eyes, but Blair’s too numb to feel fear. “I wouldn’t get all high and mighty – “

“Or what?” Blair challenges right on back. “What are you going to do? There’s nothing left for you to take away from me. I have nothing left and you didn’t even have to do anything this time.”

“Oh please, stop being dramatic. You still have this,” he adds, gesturing between them. “The game…it’ll never go away. We’re magnetic, undeniable.”

“You’re pathetic. You never even noticed that I stopped playing this game ages ago. There’s nothing between us anymore…except maybe a lifetime of regret.”

She moves back, already beginning to turn on her heel as he snarls at her. “I could ruin you.”

She doesn’t turn back to look at him. She refuses to give him the satisfaction.

“You already did.”

---

Blair catches Dan smoking another cigarette by the back entrance the following morning.

“Still committing the world’s slowest suicide, I see.”

Dan shrugs, flicking ash at the ground. “Yeah, well, you told Serena.”

“You told her first,” Blair snipes back.

“I thought she could help. Maybe get through to you.” He sounds so genuine; it makes Blair want to cry.

“Well, you thought wrong.”

“Guess so.”

He turns away from her, Blair taking the hint, only to find herself pausing on the third step.

“I got into NYU. I just found out last night.” She doesn’t turn around. Doesn’t want to see the look on his face.

“Congrats.” She hates how flat his voice sounds.

“We’ll be on the same campus next year and – “

“And should pretend not to know each other, I know. You’ve made it clear. We don’t know each other.”

Blair turns around then. There’s a wild look in his eyes, something she’s never seen before. At least on him.

“That’s not what I was going to say.” She’s practically whispering. Her throat feels like it’s going to close up. “I…I don’t want that.”

Dan stamps out the cigarette, taking a gasping breath. “What do you want, Blair?”

“I don’t know anymore.” Lie.

Dan looks at her for a long moment, long enough that she worries he’s not going to say anything more.

“I guess that makes two of us.”

---

When Blair gets home after school, she finds Serena in her foyer. Waiting for her.

“What are you doing here?”

“I had Dorota make you an appointment with Dr. Sherman. We should head over.”

“I thought you’d never want to talk to me again.”

Serena gives a shake of her head so subtle, someone else would’ve missed it. “Just because I’m mad at you about Dan doesn’t mean I don’t want you to get better.” She walks past Blair towards the elevator, pressing the down button, before glancing back over.

“Come on, we’re going to be late.”

For the first time that day, Blair breaks into a smile.

---

Prom is that Saturday.

Blair’s not really sure why she goes. To maintain appearances, maybe. She has Dorota burn her secret scrapbook though. None of her plans seem to come through anymore anyway, why would’ve this one?

The first person she runs into is Nate, cause of course. A reminder about what this night was supposed to be right up front. Blair would expect nothing else at this point.

“So. You and Dan, huh?” he asks when he sees her.

“Serena told you?”

Nate shakes his head. “Nah, Dan told me after you told her. So…that’s the second time you slept with my friend an hour after we broke up?”

“Nate, I’m sorry, I – “

But Nate breaks out into a grin, shaking his head again. “Blair, don’t worry about it. It’s – whatever. It’s a little funny, if anything.”

Blair raises an incredulous eyebrow. “Really?”

“Only a little. Maybe twenty percent. The rest is pretty ego bruising,” Nate admits. “But, uh, look…I think we both know we were only back together to hold on to what we used to have.”

“I know,” Blair agrees. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t regret what I did. With your grandfather, I mean – “

“Hey, hey, it’s fine, really. I’m going to Columbia, like I wanted. It all worked out.”

“Well…I’m glad.”

They stand there in awkward silence for a long moment before Nate finally clears his throat. “It’s uh…pretty weird to be here with you, but not as your date. I always thought we’d – “

“Me too.”

Nate half shrugs, gesturing towards the dance floor. “Do you uh…want to – “

“Yes,” Blair smiles. “Let’s dance.”

---

After several dances with Nate, she heads outside alone for some fresh air, taking a seat on the steps. She looks out over City Hall Park, pretty empty for a Saturday night. It’s peaceful; Blair can barely hear the cheesy jazz band from out here.

She’s only out there for a couple of minutes before she hears someone stumble down the steps behind her. For once, Dan's not dressed like a server. She zeroes in on the pack of cigarettes in his hand and stands up. “Here, you can – “

“No, no, you were here first – “

“It’s fine, really – “

“I’ve been meaning to quit – “

“It’s getting cold out here anyway, I should really – “

“Oh, here. Take my jacket.” Before Blair can even say anything, he’s shrugged it off, gently wrapping it around her bare shoulders. After he’s made sure it’s secure, he glances back up at her, his eyes as soulful as ever. Blair feels her face grow hot, too quick to be from the jacket.   

“Thank you,” she tells him softly. Dan nods. Blair expects him to take a step back away from her at any moment.

But he doesn’t. “Where’s uh…where’s Nate?”

Blair furrows her brow, puzzled. “Nate?”

“You guys came together, right?”

“No!” Blair shakes her head so violently, she can feel her updo slipping. “That was just…old time’s sake.”

“Oh.”

“Who um…did you – “ Her stomach turns at the thought.

“No. Serena and I were going to go as friends, but, well…” Dan trails off awkwardly, gesturing between them.

“Right.”

“I tried to get Vanessa to come but she said she wouldn’t be caught dead here. She thought it was too on the nose to host a prom for overprivileged kids in an old bank that now specializes in predatory lending – “

“Dan – “

“Sorry, sorry. I’m rambling, I know.”

“It’s okay,” she whispers. She finds that she can’t stop staring at his face. It hasn’t even been two full weeks, but she soaks him in as if she hasn’t seen him in years, reminding herself of all the little things that made him him. The spattering of freckles across his nose. The gap in his teeth. Even the cheap haircut. She’s missed him.

“I miss you,” she finds herself telling him. Dan swallows hard, Blair watching as his Adam’s apple bobs up and down. “It’s my fault, I know.” Blair sighs, wiping away at the moisture threatening to form in the corner of her eye. “I ruined everything, just like I always do.”

Dan fixes her with a sad look. “Is that really what you think of yourself? You have your walls, well, you have a lot of walls. And you push people away. A lot. But you…you don’t ruin things Blair. Look at how you rebuilt yourself after Yale! You got yourself into NYU after they had already sent out admissions, how you did that, I don’t really know, I really hope blackmail wasn’t involved, but the point is, I know whatever you did, you made it happen. Because you’re capable of anything. And fiercely strong, and I mean that physically as well as mentally, by the way. I don’t know, I just…I’m in awe of you sometimes.”

Blair stares back at him, mystified. “So, you don’t hate me?”

Dan looks at her incredulously. “Hate you? God, do you know how much easier this past week or so would’ve been if I hated you? No, no I don’t hate you.”

“I would hate me,” Blair tells him honestly, her voice cracking a bit, but she presses on. “For the way I’ve treated you, I…I hate me.”

Dan nods, glancing down at his hands, fiddling around with the pack of cigarettes. "At the beginning, I told you that I didn’t know what this was. Well, I know now. This is real, Blair. What we have is real. We can try to deny it and fight it and pretend like what we’ve gone through has meant nothing…” He glances back at her, finally looking her in the eye again. “Or we could take a risk. And maybe have everything.”

Blair’s breath catches in her throat as she recognizes his words from all those months ago. 

“What uh…what do you say?” he asks shyly.

“I say maybe it’s time that we both be a little braver. I'll start.” She barely gives herself a moment to enjoy the smile that begins to cross his face, already pulling him into her by his collar.

But at least she can still feel his smile through their kiss.

---

At eighteen, Blair learns that it's okay to just be Blair. 

And that the best things in life can’t be planned.