Chapter Text
The first time it happened, was during dinner.
Catra was sitting next to her, licking leftover chocolate syrup from her wrist – because who needs napkins? - when happened. She couldn't remember exactly what the problem was, something about blocked roads or maybe not even remotely close to it, but it had stressed Glimmer for most part of the last few days, to the point where she'd spent hours endlessly complaining about it, to whom wanted – or not – to hear.
Adora had already offered to help, it wouldn't be too much trouble or time, but she was on vacation and - apparently - something about her healing process involved stopping trying to solve everyone else's problems, so she was expressly prohibited from doing so. Suggestions had been thrown around for a few minutes now, and Bow was in the process of inventing a new type of arrow specifically for the case, when Catra raised her head and, almost absently, suggested they use the civilians for it.
No one seemed quite sure what she was referring to, so Catra elaborated, still more focused on getting the molasses out of her fur.
“Gather a group of volunteers” she said “It's not such an urgent problem that it requires the attention of a princess for it, and it will make them feel included. If you take care of every detail personally, they will get lazy and won't respect you as a ruler.”
It seemed a little cynical to Adora, but Glimmer liked.
She liked it a lot.
She liked it so much that she teleported into Catra's lap, and gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek. Her girlfriend bristled and tried to kick her out, while Glimmer laughed and ran away from her, and even though part of her thought it was adorable, an ugly feeling tightened in her chest.
Later, she found out it was called “jealousy”.
The second time was also the first time Catra noticed this.
It was during a picnic in Plumeria. She'd let her hair down, risk herself with makeup, and by the time it happened, she was having a great night. Catra had been lying on her lap and they were both making up silly names for the constellations they could point to, in the sky, when a girl stumbled out of the bushes and found them by accident.
It turns out that, despite many people not having a good opinion of her girlfriend, it was undeniable that she had saved the world and, unsurprisingly, this comes with a pretty sizable fan base.
Unfortunately for her, that girl looked like the biggest of them all.
Her first reaction when she recognized Catra there was to scream. She blushed from forehead to shoulders and looked completely silly for the better part of a minute, stuttering and stumbling over her words, thanking her for saving them from Prime while apologizing for interrupting, all while making a move to leave while , in fact, approached and, with eyes full of tears, asked if she could give her a hug.
Usually, Adora would have been worried about the physical welfare of anyone who asked Catra that, but—and she hated a lot—the girl was adorable. Not just adorable, she was completely clumsy, terribly hopeless, and so stupidly sincere that Adora could watch, in real time, her girlfriend softens, bite a smile, and open her arms in wordless invitation.
The next second, she had clung to Catra like a sloth, looking so happy to be there that, even over the wave of jealousy that soured her tongue, Adora couldn't help but find it a little cute.
Catra glanced at her then, as if she had no idea what to do and asked for help, but something in Adora expressions froze her for a moment. A second later, blue and gold swept her up and down, and whatever she found left her oddly pleased, amused, and—Adora could only sigh, exasperated—completely smug.
Somehow the incident seemed to make her more relaxed around strangers, so Adora thought it was worth it… kind of?
She still resented that Catra's fans were usually so pretty, though.
The third time might have been the hundredth, actually.
Catra was still generally averse to physical contact, with the obvious exception of herself and, strangely, Micah – she didn't know how or when it had started, but the old king was quite fatherly to her girlfriend, and Adora couldn't even tease her about it, because she had the same relationship with Hordak, which was clearly weirder - but sometimes, always on an occasion where Adora could see, she became mysteriously affectionate with strangers.
They were always girls, and worse, they were always pretty girls. Whether in meetings, during missions, or even in their idle moments, such as when they were dining out, shopping or just walking; a beautiful woman approached them, and Catra had the gall to flirt with her.
Sometimes it was so brazen it was obvious, sometimes so subtle that Adora didn't doubt she'd missed some of it, but it always happened. Catra would glance at Adora, arch that smug smirk, and then praise the hair, or the muscles, or the clothes, or whatever, of the waitress, or florist, or barista, or whoever. Sometimes it ended with that, sometimes it led to seemingly endless conversations where Adora boiled inside and used all her strength to keep a smile on her face.
It was annoying, exhausting, and sometimes made her feel terrible about herself – because what right did she has to dictate how or when her girlfriend interacted with other people?!
Catra, on the other hand, was usually roguish after these occasions, and it wasn't strange that, once they got home, she'd end up pulling her somewhere shady – when Adora wasn’t fast enough to take them there first – for make out sessions that left them trembling, blushing, and laughing like idiots afterwards.
All thing considered, it was a day-to-day stumble, a little irking and inconvenient, but nothing she couldn't handle.
Until it came the third time.
It was during a prom, and Catra was umbearable.
Catra hadn't touched her properly in days. Whether it was because she was too busy, tired, or just plain unwell, she had run away from her bed and company with such zeal that if it hadn't been for that smug smile on her face, the mischievous gleam in her eyes, Adora would have thought she'd done something to hurt her.
But no, she'd been in a pretty good mood, almost constantly, since they'd set up that dance – which was odd in itself, Catra usually found them tiresome.
During the night itself, she was stunning. Catra had always been beautiful, she was effortlessly and in a striking way, but when did she strive for it? When did it become a goal?
Adora had no words. She didn't think she ever would.
To say she looked beautiful could very well be offensive, as far as it went from describing her properly. No, Catra wasn't beautiful.
She glowed, burned like a star, graced that ballroom as the northern lights fill the night, enchanting everyone who looked at her. Adora was sure to tell her that, and while Catra looked suitably happy and pleased with the compliment, she also looked…
Not exactly, but...
Naughty?
As if she was up to a prank, or had discovered an amusing secret, might be a better way to describe it, but it didn't really matter, Catra looked gorgeous and she was happy to spend the night with her. They would dance in the moonlight, exchange snacks, whisper vows of love, and it would be magical and beautiful and unforgettable, and then they would go back to their room and Adora would spend the night loving her like she deserved.
Except…well, didn't that seem like her plan?
In fact, after they went downstairs together and exchanged necessary courtesies with the other couples, Catra seem to lose the interest in her?
Adora didn't understand, and spent most of the night fretting, burning her brain cells to find out why. She retraced the last few months of her memory, looking for anything offensive she'd done or said, tried to find out if she'd let her down in some way, and – it embarrasses her a little - maybe mildly traumatized Double-Trouble, interrogating and threatening them with an unnecessarily big sword.
(You never know)
Meanwhile, Catra make sure of chatting with all the beautiful women at the ball.
Minus her.
She also danced with all of them.
Except with Adora.
And, at some point, while staring at her from across the table, she offered an appetizer directly to the lips of a blushing girl, clearly charmed by her attention.
It was the last straw.
Adora knew she needed to get out of there. It was impolite and inappropriate, but she couldn't force herself to see it any longer, and despite most people constantly forgetting that, she was one of the best of her age group in the horde.
Sneaking out of a civilian ball unnoticed wasn't really a challenge. Perhaps that wouldn't have been true if Catra had been watching, but as had already become clear, she couldn't care less if she was there or not.
She escaped then, up the stairs and through the halls, her temper exploding and cooling in a matter of seconds.
She was indignant and furious as she slammed the door shut, her mind spitting out the sharp words she imagined saying to Catra as soon as she saw her again, as she trudged to the bed, heavy and strong steps.
She was, quite frankly, scared to death as she slipped out of her dress, put on her pajamas, and crawled between the covers. There had to be a reason, right? Catra loves her, she wouldn't do it for nothing, she just hadn't figured it out yet – as was usually the case, she was a terrible girlfriend – they would both talk about it and work things out.
When she finally lay down, she was inert. The feelings seemed to burn out in her chest, her anger fading as quickly as it had come, taking hurt and doubt with it, leaving only a terrifying emptiness of ashes that chilled every bone in her marrow.
Did the reason really matter, when the consequences were clear?
Catra's love was the warmth of her chest, the strength her heart used to pulse blood through her body, and, bereft of it, she found she couldn't walk. She couldn't even think straight. Empty and cold, she shivered and curled up in the covers, and everything around her felt dark and big and scary.
She wanted it back. She wanted more than she had ever wanted anything, she would have crawled if she needed to, she would cry and beg if she could, but she couldn't.
Because belong to Catra, and she could give it to anyone she wanted. Adora knew that, and no matter that she needed her more than the air in her lungs, she wouldn't steal her from herself, she had no right. Nobody had.
In the minutes it took for Catra to catch up with her, she ran dozens of hypotheses through her mind, trying to prepare as best she could. Whether she was angry, hurt, or resentful of her, it didn't matter, Adora had written down the lines of what she would say, she would apologize, and had committed to being there for her if she needed to, in whatever way she needed to be.
And... if she didn't need to, if she didn't want to...
She would respect her wishes. She would leave.
Didn’t matter that she probably won’t last long enough to get far.
-You're fast when you want to be! - Catra said, laughing, as soon as she entered the room. Her voice was hoarse and her breath was heaving, even though the night hadn't been very tiring – Did something bother you? I'm ready to make amends if... Adora?
She had already started to undo her tie, leaving cuts in her clothes so anxious did she seem to get out of them, when she noticed her huddled between the covers and - only then did she realize - crying silently.
The next second had barely begun to pass when Catra knelt in front of her, so fast that her silhouette left a noticeable blur, and the force with which her knees hit the floor resounded hollowly throughout the room. It should have hurt, but she didn't even flinch, seeming to go herself through a myriad of scattered feelings herself.
First it was fear, intense and chilling, and Adora noticed how her claws extended, how her back arched and she swept the room, looking for threats. Then anger, fiery and fervent, and Adora would have cringed if it was for her, but it clearly wasn't. Catra looked ready to ask who had hurt her, her mind accumulating more and more violent plans for revenge, but she was too fast, too smart to dwell on a hypothesis that didn't seem appropriate.
Then realization, and... nothing. For a full second, she looked simply inert, as if she might just melt into mist in front of him, her eyes almost glassy staring into space.
Adora had started to move when she appeared, had wrapped the words in her chest and shoved them down her throat for the only moment it took Catra to figure out things, but she could have been acting in slow motion, walking through the mud, so fast it all happened, and she couldn't calm her down before the last feeling devastated all the others.
Guilt.
Adora knew it intimately, lives with it, might recognize it even hidden in the eyes of a stranger, but now? Anyone would have seen it. A blind person would have seen it.
Vast and utter, guilt filled Catra's eyes, her mouth, her very arteries. She seemed to be made of it, like a statue of shattered glass, about to fall apart, and seeing her cower like she'd been wounded, ears lowered on her head and tail between her legs, only made her own burn in her chest.
It was all wrong, this was not how it was supposed to happen! Adora should comfort her, make her feel safe enough that her true feelings could show. Catra couldn't be afraid of hurting her, Adora wouldn't let her be afraid again, not of her, never of her.
“Catra, I...”
She couldn't finish what she was going to say, because Catra had taken her hands in hers, crumbling like a stain. She put her face between Adora’s knees and just…
Cried.
In a way Adora had never seen her cry before. How she didn't know someone could cry.
On the first try, Adora didn't hear her over the sobs, over the tear-stained mess of her own voice. Whatever she said, it spilled into her lap, malformed and indiscernible.
In the second, she didn't hear her because started to cry herself, and the same thing, that she was trying to say, was lost in her own sobs.
Adora didn't think she should, didn't know if she could or if Catra wanted to, but still then slipped out of bed. Her attempt to crawl to her would be no better than a cripple’s, her own body feeling disconnected, stiff and unresponsive muscles, oblivious to her efforts. Hesitantly, she touched her hands, her arms, ready to pull away if she looked uncomfortable, but Catra needed comfort right now, and even if was the only thing she needed from her, Adora would give it.
She would devour her pain if she could, drink every tear, take every heartache, because Catra deserves nothing less. Whatever hurt her, she would get rid of it, even if they’re parts of herself.
Like the complete failure she was, however, all she could do was cling to her and cry with her, their sobs sharing space, their tears mixing on the floor. She wanted Catra to sink her claws into her, deep down, because she didn't think her pain was enough right now.
Catra was crying because of her.
She was needlessly suffering because of a waste of space like her.
Was it really any wonder that she sought out the company of other people? The affection of other people? She didn't even serve to comfort her when she should have, and that was less than the least she should do now, and all she could do was cry pathetically, as if she had any right to it.
She tried to apologize. She really tried. The words still sounded torn, to pieces, falling from her lips like birds that fall from the nest and break their wings.
So, she tried to pull away, because she was hurting her, she knew she was.
Catra didn’t let, however. She cringed even more, and even though her grip on her hands was impossibly gentle, it’s s still desperate, as if Adora were the last rope attached to the pole during a storm, and letting go would be drowning.
As much as it hurt, as much as it still hurt, as much as it felt like it would never stop hurting, no one can actually cry forever. Exhausted, they collapsed on top of each other, huddled undignifiedly on the rug, and fell asleep.
When Adora woke up, she went to the extremely incomprehensible setting of Glimmer, screaming at her girlfriend.
Her head swiveled as she tried to get up, gall rising in her throat as the colors melted into a single dark brown mass that pulsed with pain through her head. She'd already had enough alcohol to have a hangover, but this felt much, much worse.
In the time it took her to recover, she saw Glimmer land a pretty impressive cross on Catra, which didn't even try to dodge.
A second later, the world was steel.
For months afterwards Adora apologized, despite Glimmer forgiving her at the first time. She wasn't thinking straight; she was confused and the queen admitted that she may have crossed some lines herself - if for good intentions. She also promised that she would do the same for Catra if Adora was stupid, which let both with a healthy dosage of respect (and fear) for their boss.
It still didn't change the fact that she had tried to kill the queen, and had destroyed a wing of her castle.
There were a lot of swords. A lot of swords.
On the bright side, the time it took to get Catra out of the protective steel and crystal dome where Adora had accidentally confined her was enough to calm things down, and they were shooed away to a different room on another wing of the castle – because that one needed to be evacuated, its structure was compromised – so they could talk like the functioning adults that everyone pretended they were.
At this point, Adora was exhausted. She barely had the energy to move and Catra needed to support her most of the way, and she had resigned herself that their relationship would end in…less than ideal ways.
She'd even considered taking a nap, before slipping into some hole and suffering bitterly for the rest of her days. It seemed unthinkable before, and she was a little proud of herself.
Except Catra didn't break up with her.
She… hadn't considered this scenario.
“Jealousy?” Adora repeated, in disbelief and more confused than she'd ever been, and given the kind of life they'd led, that meant a lot “Were you trying to make me jealous?”
Catra nodded, sitting on the floor in front of her – she refused to sit beside her on the bed, keeping a respectful distance from her that Adora so sincerely hated - She did so shyly and hesitantly, hugging her knees and so small she looked like she was about to disappear into the weave of the rug.
Adora, who had also sat on the floor, just stared at her.
“You...”
Catra cringed even more, looking ready for Adora to start yelling at her.
“...were you trying to make me jealous?”
It was the third time she'd checked, and even though part of her suspected she was simply being obtuse, she couldn't help it. Catra, very kind and infinitely patient, just nodded once more.
“Why?” She managed to spit out, completely stunned. She felt that she was dealing with alien beings now, their forms incomprehensible to mortal eyes.
“I, w-well...” Catra replied, nervously playing with her own tail. She looked sad and terribly regretful but, other than that, she looked completely embarrassed “I-I thought you would be mad at me, and… well…”
Adora just stared at her, intensely. She felt ready to grow old there if she had to, because Catra had never wavered in anything in her life, and if answering that question was really like pulling teeth for her, it had to be absolutely unbelievable.
“I… I thought” She blushed, her flush visible even through her fur, so intense that Adora thought she was changing the internal temperature of the room “I-I thought that we... that we... would have sex later, s-since you would be angry and... and possessive and... rough... and I was like... well... I-I wanted to?”
She looked mortified, as if she wanted to bury her head in the ground and disappear.
Adora had no idea why, exactly, but she might sympathize.
When understanding hit her, she didn't want to do anything different.
It was like a runaway train, really, so sudden and intense that she was almost surprised at her own wit. The notion of what had happened surged forward and fully formed, crystal clear and painfully obvious, in all its implications and particulars, and Adora could tell Catra knew it. She recognized, perhaps in her eyes, perhaps in her expression, the exact moment Adora understood.
And she cringed even tighter, face on her knees and arms around her legs, as if she were ready to be kicked, yelled at, and thrown out, and determined - if terrified - to endure every second of it.
Adora didn't understand why.
She would talk about it with her later, however – she made sure to leave a mental note for herself – if Catra felt Adora would react that way, no matter what, she was a worse girlfriend than she thought.
But not. She wasn't angry.
Everything about her was shame, boiling and scalding, to the point that she wanted to throw herself on the floor, hug her face, scream and roll from side to side.
How, how?! How could she have gotten it all so wrong?!
Why did she think Catra didn't love her anymore? She had said it, she had always said it, she had told her that very day, clearly, sweetly, as sincerely as ever. What kind of wretch was she for doubting? She deserved to crawl over sharp glass because of that, she should throw herself out of that very window.
Not more important than that, but just as pressing: Was she so blind to her girlfriend's desires? How had she not noticed? It was so stupidly obvious in hindsight! The way Catra stared at her all the time, the way she teased her, the way he came and went, as if to let her smell her, to let her eager to taste her. Even the way she'd walked into their (old) room, so ready, so anxious...
And Adora had screwed it up. She had ruined everything for her. She'd ruined a night that should have been unforgettable, a night she'd committed to making unforgettable – in a different way, but what did it matter? – because she was clueless and can’t get a hint!
She didn't know how, or when exactly, but Catra seemed to have come out of her shell, stretched out and, with some confidence - but not much - reached out to touch her shoulder - because she had actually rolling on the ground, screaming. She looked fearful, as if she expected her to get hurt at any moment, and even though she still looked guilty - why did she look guilty? She wasn't to blame for anything! - she seemed to have realized that if Adora was angry with anyone, it was with herself.
“Are you okay?” Catra asked, and didn't even give her a moment to answer “Stupid question, you're not fine. What happened?”
“What do you mean with what happened?” – Adora jumped up, furious now and, again, it was with herself “I disappointed you so much! Oh dear, I'm an idiot...”
“Adora...”
“...I promise, I'll never do this again, I'm sorry, I swear I didn't notice...”
“Adora, sweetie...”
“...I feel terrible, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...”
“No, sweetie, don’t…”
“...I'll make it up to you, I promise! I-If you let me, of course, I... oh, Catra, please, please, I'm sorry, I...”
In the next second, Catra was on top of her, and he was kissing her. She was kissing her, why was she kissing her? She didn’t deserve it, but she was kissing her and she hadn't kissed her in days, and she was kissing her now, and she couldn't breathe, and she didn't need to breathe, and she didn't want to, because Catra was kissing her and it felt so good and so sweet and she missed it so much and she loves her so much and she would do anything for...
Adora stumble.
Catra also stumble.
They fell back together. One over the other.
It hurt a little.
But Adora didn't care, Catra was still kissing her.
She stopped for a moment, and laughed, and Adora laughed with her and didn't even care, because Catra's laugh was as good as her kisses, and her kisses were heaven.
They kissed again, and laughed, and maybe neither of them knew why exactly, but neither of them cared at the moment.
It wasn't until hours later, as they were curling up on the bed in their new room, because the old one was a jungle of swords, steel, and crystal now, that Adora managed to muster enough focus to rise her head and apologize properly.
“I'm sorry for ruining your night...”
“Ruining?” Catra frowned, confused and a little curious, as if she really had no idea what she was talking about “How could you have ruined anything?”
“I-I, well... you planned everything for more than a week, and I got it all wrong” Adora said, and almost wanted Catra to interrupt her, because she was ashamed of what she was about to admit “I thought that you didn't... that you didn't want me anymore, like that... maybe not at all, and it hurt when you flirted with other people...”
Catra's eyes were watered with tears as she pulled her in for another kiss. It was tender and safe and warm, it was like curling up in blankets, like drinking tea on a rainy day, it was healing and loving, and Adora loved every second of it, but she hated it too, because it wasn't the kind of kiss Catra wanted, and for what she served if he couldn't kiss her like she wanted to, and...
“I'm sorry” She said, looking her so deeply in the eyes, so full of love that Adora felt herself melting in her, like butter in a frying pan “I made you feel insecure and scared, I didn't want to, I never wanted. You've always looked grumpy, maybe a little annoyed, the other times, but it never seemed to hurt, and I never, ever want it to hurt. I'm sorry I hurt you, Adora.”
Adora couldn't understand why she was apologizing for this, when she was the one who got everything wrong.
“Why you... it's my fault!”
“It's not your fault.”
“Of course it is!”
Catra looked exasperated for a moment, but it was nothing remotely close to the anger she should be feeling, and even then, it only lasted a moment. The next, she was gazing at her fondly again, so much affection, so much tenderness, that it seemed to barely fit her, trickling down the corners of her smile and spilling over her fingertips, which she threaded through her hair.
“Let's talk about the guilt thing later, okay?” She offered, as in a deal “Not now, but later, when we're less tired. For now, just stay in bed with me, please.”
“OK...”
“Oh, and thank you very much.”
“Hmm? For what?”
"For what you gave me last night," Catra said, and again there was a smug glint on her face, and again she looked ready to play a prank, but this one didn't seem dangerous "I'll treasure it for the rest of my life."
“What did I give you last night?”
“A new boundary to respect” Catra said, and Adora would never know how, but she made it sound like an impressive and valuable thing to have “I absolutely love discovering them in you.”
"I..." Adora swallowed, uncertain. There was a strange heat in her chest, and even though she didn't understand why it’s there, it felt good. If Catra looked dazzled like that, it could be pretty good "I don't want to have boundaries for you.”
“Don't worry” Catra laughed, pressing one more kiss in her forehead, and another, and another, and Adora felt like she could set stars on fire with the warmth that filled her chest “You'll understand when I show you my own and, being you, you’ll love them too.”
The fourth time it happened... it didn't hurt. Catra looked at her and blinked, and Adora showed her tongue and, at night, if she was little possessive, a little rough, well...
Catra loved it.