Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Rachel,

I think we need to talk. (But you already knew that.)

I want you to know you did nothing wrong. Yet I think it’s for the best if we don’t see each other again.

I can not wait to see you again!

Am I crazy? Am I seeing things that aren’t th

You can’t tell me it’s all in my head. I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice. Last night at the stadium. Or before, at H’s presentation. It’s different. Different than the way you look at him.

Even if I’m right (am I right?) I know nothing will ever change. Nothing will ever happen. You’re not that person. And I really don’t want to be either. And so being around you, or even thinking about you, is killing me. And still it makes me smile every time.

Did I tell you about the lavender rose? Probably not. Which might be for the better.

Tell me does he love you, like the way I love you? Tell me does he miss you? Existing just to kiss you… like the way I do?

See, here’s the thing. You keep proving me right. You keep telling me, showing me that we

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

Thank you again for a wonderful birthday. I had a great time. Let me know when there’s another match we can scream at!

Luce

... ...

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“Here, I show you!” Dani grumbled, dragging Jamie along and onto the stairs with her. When they reached the door to their new bedroom, she let go of Jamie’s hand and opened it. Once inside, Dani gestured at the mess she’d left in there. “See? There’s no way to assemble this thing!”

Jamie quickly glanced at the bed frame Dani had put together so far. The only part that seemed to have found the right place was the headboard.

She stepped closer, about to reassure her girl that it was going to be alright, but before she could say anything, Dani already went on unabated. 

“The instruction is all wrong,” she cried out, “And I know for sure that some screws are missing!”

Endeared by Dani’s passionate rambling, Jamie tried to keep from laughing. As her hands landed on Dani’s hips, she managed to agree with a soft smile and a simple hum, right before pulling her close.

“What are you doing?!” Dani murmured against her lips, “Stop distracting me!”

Yet she didn’t hesitate one second to answer the kiss.

The distraction kept Dani quiet for a moment, and when Jamie moved her lips further down in search for that one spot, she managed to break their silence before Dani could. “Who needs a bed anyway?” she hummed against the warm skin of Dani’s neck.

“We do,” Dani laughed - the task still in mind, but the frustration long forgotten.

Joining her laughter, Jamie gently pressed her against the standing mattress. In between playful kisses, she looked up through her lashes, “So you want me to stop? Help you fix it?”

Dani didn’t answer.

Instead she peeked over Jamie’s shoulder, throwing one last look at the pile of slats… then closed her eyes and surrendered.

The floor would do.

... ...

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They're sitting next to each other on the bathroom floor, their knees pulled up and their backs against the wall - exhausted from all the emotions that had just hit them once again, and unbothered by the water soaking through their pants. At least it reminds them that they're still here. 

Both of them. 

"I'm sorry," Dani murmurs for the third time. "I made such a mess. Again."

Jamie looks to her side, lifts her hand and gently brushes away the damp, clingy strands of hair that are stuck to Dani's face.

"Stop apologizing. It's just water."

"I don't mean just the water, or the plates, or..." Forcing herself to stay calm this time, Dani takes a deep breath. "I mean all of it. All the worry, all the misery. I hate that I... that I'm doing that to you."

"You're not doing anything to me, Poppins," Jamie softly smiles at her, "We're in this together. We've been from the start."

Dani lets herself slump forward, resting her forehead on her arms. With her face now hidden from Jamie, she sighs again. 

"That's because you didn't know what you signed up for."

To Dani's surprise, Jamie's response comes with a giggle, which makes her look up at her with a hint of curiosity in her tired eyes. 

"First of all, I knew exactly where I got myself into. You were very clear about that. I just found you, Dani Clayton, much more impressive than that shite ghost that's following you," Jamie chuckles, before shrugging one shoulder. "I still do."

Dani shakes her head, about to tell her wrong, but Jamie goes on already - though no longer laughing.

"And second, I’d do it all again. I'd choose you again, I'd marry you again..."

"...you'd wait with me again?"

Jamie just nods. "Till the very end - whenever that may be."

With a soft exhale, Dani leans to the side. "And after that?" she asks quietly, her head now upon Jamie's shoulder.

Jamie keeps silent for a moment, then swallows. "There's no after," she sighs, "There's just us." Closing her eyes, she rests her cheek against Dani’s hair. "You, me, us." 

... ...

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"See?" Cosima pointed out, tapping the paper with her pen. The pattern of the number sequence she'd scribbled down on it, as well as its meaning, was undeniable. "I was right!"

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About to enter the bedroom that over the past few months somehow turned into their bedroom, Cruz abruptly stops on the threshold.

Dressed in nothing but a sports bra and a pair of shorts that might as well be her briefs, Josie is doing some serious number of pull-ups; the sight of it being enough to make Cruz gasp for air. With bent knees, ankles crossed steadily and knuckles white from their tight grip, she works her body like a machine, showing off those strong biceps, rolling shoulder blades and tight back muscles in one synchronized dance. The beads of sweat are there for the finishing touch.

Gazing at the piece of art in front of her, she completely forgets why she's here. But then her mind wanders back.

Cruz doesn't mind conflict. Doesn't care what people think of her. Growing up with nobody understanding, appreciating, even liking her, she learned early on how to stand tall without any of that. How not to need anything, whether it was from her heartless parents, her heartless classmates or—later on—her heartless lovers. It's a simple fact to her, something she doesn't consider a problem. She could still have her fun, sometimes even more than that, with others, without having to win them over. Hell, they could hate her for all she cares. It doesn't upset her.

Usually.

Today is different. This morning she and Josie found themselves in their first argument, their first real confrontation. Not some bickering about who should buy eggs or what movie to watch, but a full blown fight, with screaming and shouting—largely from her part—and eventually walking away from it all. From her. The woman she's barely been without since Sky Hawk.

Once away, Cruz threw herself into her usual coping methods. Pushing her car to its limit. Making noise at the shooting range. Downing an ice-cold beer, and then another one. Yet no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't shake off that feeling she'd left the house with. It stuck to her like a hot and humid summer storm. Heavy and suffocating. Which could only mean one thing.

She cared.

Not just about the subject, although it was a serious one, but about the fight itself. About the way she'd left Josie behind. Sad? Angry? Maybe even hating her?

That thought alone was what's killing her. And enough to soldier up and go home.

Still lingering in the doorway, she clears her throat, making Josie glance over her shoulder, right in the middle of another pull-up. The intense face expression that comes with it is hard to read.

"You're gonna yell some more?" she asks, eyes forward again.

Cruz shakes her head, even though Josie can't see her. "No, I'm... I just..." She bites her lips to stop from stammering, then inhales deeply through her nose before trying again. "Can we start over? Like... can we talk?"

Josie lets go of the metal bar and lands on her feet like it's nothing. Like she didn't almost lose her leg three months ago. The thud makes Cruz flinch, while Josie doesn't seem to feel a thing. She turns towards her, which throws Cruz even more off balance. The woman has abs like a Greek statue.

"You hate talking."

"I don't, not anymore," Cruz shrugs awkwardly, "Not with you." She takes a step into the room. "I'm just really shitty at it."

Silently, Josie sits down on the edge of the bed. Cruz steps further into the room, grabs a sweater and—somewhat reluctantly—hands it to Josie to keep her body from cooling down too fast. When Josie takes it from her and puts it on, Cruz knows she'll listen to her - or at least wants to try.

"I don't want you to go on another mission," she starts warily.

Josie rubs her forehead, suddenly looking tired. "You said that already."

"Yeah," Cruz nods, "but I didn't say why. Not really."

When Josie looks up, their eyes meet. "So why?" she asks with hers.

Cruz shrugs again. "I'm scared."

"Right," Josie snorts, "That would be a first!"

Cruz knows that it isn't. That her indifference knows one exception. One exception that nearly broke her, so badly and almost irreparably that she swore never to go there again. Never to get close to anyone again. Boy, did she fail.

"Look," Josie goes on when Cruz stays quiet, "I know it's dangerous, but it will be okay. Joe's got my back."

"No, she doesn't!" Cruz exclaims, making Josie blink by the unexpectedness of it. She quickly calms her tone, forcing herself to keep talking as intended. "She doesn't. Not when it comes down to it. You'll be collateral damage. That's what being a Lioness means."

"Yet you had no problem with it." Josie's reply sounds like a statement, not a question.

"I wouldn't say that," Cruz sighs, "But yes, I went. Because I had nothing to lose." Squatting down in front of her, she rests her hand on Josie's knee. "But now I have."

"Cruz, it's my job."

"No, it's not. Flying helicopters is. You're a pi—"

"What are you asking me?!" Josie cuts her off, "Quit the army? Flying tourists over the Grand Canyon instead?!"

As Cruz drops her shoulders, a small groan escapes her lips. "No, of course not. The army is your life. And mine! I know that. It's just... there are limits. Or there should be. Right? When you've got what we've got..."

"And what's that?" Josie asks, raising her brow, "What do we have, Cruz?"

Cruz falls quiet. She doesn't have the words. She's never been here, never made it this far. How's she supposed to know?!

Gently palming her cheek, Josie makes her look at her again.

"We have started a life together," she helps her out. "Just like that, without even trying. We're not just you and me anymore, somewhere we became us." She moves her hand, tucks Cruz's hair behind her ear. "I think we never intended to, so we're a little unprepared, but here we are after all. And it's not a bad thing. Not at all. It's just new. And—"

"—terrifying?"

"Oh yes," Josie chuckles softly, "terrifying as hell. Especially in our line of duty."

Slowly shaking her head again, Cruz heaves another sigh. "I don't know how Joe's doing it. Or her family. How they handle all this."

Josie slides off the bed, pulling Cruz with her so they end up on the floor together. "Me neither," she admits, taking Cruz's hand into her own, "But if they managed to find a way, than so can we. If we want." She averts her eyes, before quietly adding, "If... if you want?"

Just like their lives, their fingers entwine together as by itself, soft and slowly. "I do," Cruz whispers, her warm breath caressing Josie's face, before inching even closer. As she goes on, her lips almost graze Josie's damp skin. "I want to figure this out."

Leaning in, Josie can feel Cruz's mouth trail towards hers. "You know what?" She brushes her tongue against Cruz's bottom lip, before teasingly searching for her ear. "I think we already started."

When Josie starts to nip at her earlobe, Cruz can barely form words anymore. "W- We did?"

"We talked, didn't we? Turns out we don't suck so bad," Josie breathes. Without pulling away, she turns Cruz's chin towards her with the lightest touch of her index finger. "That being said..." she grins, right before finally connecting their lips, "I think we should shut up now."

... ...

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The low buzz of activity at the base is a stark contrast to the chaos of the operation they just survived. Although they returned with quite some wounded soldiers, many of them carried in on stretchers, there's hardly any moaning or groaning, and the immediate, high efficient primal care of the attending army medics means that no one has to yell any orders. Still, there's a lot going on.

Amid this triage, Cruz sits next to their Lioness, her focus solely on her. Josie's hand rests gently in hers, as it has done so for the past hour; a small comfort to the pain and exhaustion that still clings to their bodies.

Josie's face is pale and whacked, her nose most likely broken, but her eyes—those fierce brown eyes—are still sharp, still alert. Cruz knows she doesn't like to show weakness easily. Right now though, she is as vulnerable as Cruz has ever seen her.

As a medic works nearby, putting a temporary splint on her shattered leg, her breath comes in shallow, strained gasps. Cruz can't help but watch her, her grip tightening as if she can somehow pull Josie through the pain just by being there. Her mind is still reeling from the crash, the sound of the chopper spiraling out of control, the impact, the heavy firefight that followed right after. But now, in the aftermath, it's Josie's hand that grounds her.

"Hey..." Josie glances up at her, a small smile tugging at her lips, despite the pain, "You still wanna get together?" Her voice is raspy from dust and strain. "Now that I almost killed us?"

With a brief grimace crossing her face—her own ribs still sore from their rough landing—Cruz chuckles. "You kidding me?" she grins, "Do you have any idea how hot you are?" Her thumb brushes across Josie's knuckles; a simple, but reassuring touch. "Especially right now."

Josie raises an eyebrow, shakes her head and laughs softly. "Especially right now? That's a little hard to believe."

Cruz's smile widens, turning slightly mischievous. "Guess I have a thing for badass bruised and bloodstained chicks," she shrugs, her tone light, but with a glint of admiration in her eyes that she doesn't bother hiding.

Josie lets out another breathy laugh. For the first time since they've arrived at the base, her expression softens. "You're crazy," she mutters, as the faintest blush creeps up her neck.

"I'm serious," Cruz smiles, soft again, and leaning in a little. "Also, you didn't almost kill us. They did. You're the one who kept us alive."

"Yeah, on the helo, maybe," Josie sighs, averting her eyes, "But as soon as we hit the ground, it was all you."

Cruz doesn't fight her. Instead, she gives her hand another tender, patient squeeze. It's enough for Josie to look at her again. And when she does, when she meets her honest gaze, there's nothing else for a moment - no chopper crash, no mission, no danger lurking. Just the two of them, connected by something unspoken, something real.

"We make a good team," Cruz says quietly.

Despite the fear and pain they just went through, Josie nods and simply smiles in return.

For the first time in hours, as the mayhem of the day seems to fade into the background, she allows herself to believe that maybe, just maybe, they are going to be okay.

Together.

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