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Language:
English
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Published:
2022-11-11
Words:
1,552
Chapters:
1/1
Comments:
27
Kudos:
18
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323

Miraculous Bastard!!

Summary:

Worst-anime-of-all-time 'Bastard!!' gets the 'Miraculous' treatment. Dark Schneider meets Ladybug and Cat Noir. She doesn't find Dark Schneider attractive. Cat laughs at him. A world where I can write this nonsense is a world I'm deliriously happy to live in.

I rated this 'mature' simply because anything connected to 'Bastard!!' necessitates certain references. But there's nothing remotely graphic in here. And calling this 'mature' is killing me with laughter.

If you've never seen 'Bastard!!' you won't get this story at all. He's this beefed-up wizard 'hero' in the land of Metallicana who screams metal band names as magical spells, feels up every woman he meets, and omg the imagery. And he's trapped in the body of a 14-year-old boy who looks and acts more like 10. Please don't think that by writing this I'm encouraging anyone to watch it. It REALLY is one of the WORST, most misogynistic, awful shows of ALL TIME. I worry what it says about me that I keep watching and laughing so hard I can't breathe.

Work Text:

There was no time to answer Cat’s question. Ladybug would have to think of some excuse later, for why she happened to be in Tokyo. His reason had been a family trip – which was often the story he told.

He definitely has more money than me.

But it was best not to board that train of thought. Best not to find out where it led.

What mattered now was fighting the latest akuma victim, who’d shocked her out of her skin by rampaging the streets in a country so far from their Paris home. Not that it was the first time. New York and Shanghai had been a surprise, too. It was almost as if Hawk Moth – now Shadow Moth – now Monarch – was following one of them.

Is there some kind of tracking miraculous Master Fu and Master Su-Han never told me about?

This latest supervillain was…well, Godzilla. There was no escaping that. She’d once been a woman Ladybug had passed on the street. There’d been some altercation in the street, an exchange Ladybug hadn’t followed because she didn’t speak Japanese…and she’d been busy ogling Adrien.

Cat Noir had swept in out of nowhere and smoothly explained to her that the woman had been somehow disrespected by someone. After she’d got over her astonishment at his sudden appearance, Ladybug had remembered something Cat once told her.

I happen to speak several languages.

Another train of thought she’d let pass without boarding.

Godzilla was roaring wildly and stomping on buildings like they were built from Lego. It was all a bit too Power Rangers for her liking. The miraculous ladybugs would fix everything, but only if the akuma was captured first.

But where could it be?

‘I think we need some luck, m’lady!’ Cat shouted as he dodged a truck flying their way.

Ladybug leapt in the other direction and then gave a firm nod, before throwing her yo-yo in the air and yelling, ‘Lucky charm!’

From the sky dropped a bottle of baby oil. She stared at it in horror. ‘What am I supposed to do with this?’

‘How about slathering it all over my hot body,’ an intensely sleazy voice startled her.

She jumped back and looked up at a man made completely out of proportion – chest puffed up and unnaturally enormous for the rest of his body, and ridiculously long oat-coloured hair. He looked askance, chin up, as if he expected her to admire him. He had stupidly pretty eyes, but otherwise looked just plain stupid.

Craziest of all…he was completely naked.

‘And you are…?’ Ladybug asked, shielding her eyes with her arm.

This cannot be the local help.

The man flung his hair over his shoulder in a gesture that reminded her of Chloe Bourgeois, and turned his head a little to catch her eye. ‘You don’t know me by sight?’

‘Um…no?’

Flying on stick, Cat dropped down by her side and they exchanged a look. ‘Who the hell is this weirdo?’ he asked.

She let her arm drop, trying not to stare at the obvious. ‘That’s what I was asking.’

They stared at him, waiting.

The man blinked furiously, veins bulging in his oversized neck. ‘I’m Dark Schneider!’

‘…Dark Schneider?’

‘Dark Schneider!’

‘…Dark Schneider?’

‘Daaaaaaaark Sch-neeeeeider!’

Their blank stares held.

‘The most powerful wizard of all time – destined to rule the world!’ He sounded like he was teetering on tantrum. Ladybug could imagine him stamping his feet, maybe giving Godzilla a run for her money.

‘Is this some kind of Dungeons and Dragons thing?’ Cat asked. His green gaze darted down and then up again. ‘…nudist Dungeons and Dragons?’

Ladybug turned wide eyes on her partner. ‘You play Dungeons and Dragons?’ She’d never have pegged him as the type.

He shook his head. ‘Not nude or otherwise. But why else would anyone in the twenty-first century call himself a powerful wizard and threaten to rule the world?’

Ladybug shrugged. ‘I’m still trying to work out why he has a name like Dark Schneider.’

‘It’s my all-powerful wizard name!’ Dark Schneider spluttered, his voice growing high and screechy and his mouth revealing tiny fangs.

Cat leaned forward on his stick. ‘Now, if I did play D&D, I’d definitely choose a better name than that. And at least put on some pants.’

‘A better…? It’s like Dee Schneider!’ the man shrieked.

When they looked blank again, he pulled at his hair.

Definitely spent hours straightening it this morning, Ladybug decided.

In the distance Godzilla roared again and shoved a car in her mouth. There were screams from far away. If Ladybug closed her eyes, she could imagine she was at a theme park listening to people on a roller coaster. Eyes open, though, there was no escaping her responsibility.

She sighed heavily at the self-proclaimed wizard. ‘Look, are you going to help us with the lizard queen over there, or just stand here shouting your name?’

Dark Schneider’s eyes pulsed a moment, the blood vessels thick. ‘I can end this with a single spell.’ He threw his hands in the air as if to do a cataclysm or lucky charm. His whole body glowed with concentration, and he shouted, ‘Gunsenro Def Leppard Megadeth!’

Electric guitars squealed. God only knew where they were coming from – maybe his biceps.

Cat snickered loudly – then leapt away as flames flashed from the crazy wizard’s hands. Ladybug dodged too. And my lucky charm gave me baby oil.

‘I’ll gather my magic and melt the flesh off the beast,’ the wizard declared, engulfed by fire – ‘dissolve its bones and turn its very soul to ash.’ He threw his head back, hair flying, somehow not so much as singed, and let out a maniacal laugh.

Godzilla smashed a few more buildings, but suddenly seemed more rational than this new monster.

‘Er…thanks,’ Ladybug started, ‘but um…there’s a human trapped in that beast and I’d rather not having any flesh melting or bone dissolving today, if you don’t mind.’

Dark Schneider looked confused, making him appear even more stupid. ‘A human?’

Ladybug nodded and crossed her arms. ‘A woman.’

His eyes took on a new light and his face relaxed into a lascivious grin. He dropped his hands and the flames vanished. ‘That’s different. Is she hot?’

‘…excuse me?’

He sidled up to Ladybug, easing one of his thick muscly arms around her small shoulders, the rest of his body just too, too close to hers. ‘You’re pretty cute too.’ He ran his eyes over her. ‘A bit small in the chest for me, and wearing far too many clothes, but –’

Cat’s stick smashed into Dark Schneider’s head before Ladybug had a chance to knee him in the gut.

‘Ahh!’ the wizard cried, pulling away and massaging his temple. He stared at Cat as if seeing him for the first time.

Cat stood a protective foot forward of Ladybug, in fighting stance. ‘Keep your hands and eyes to yourself, you bastard, or I just might decide to cataclysm you. Then we’ll see whose flesh melts off.’

Ladybug smiled. She highly doubted he’d go through with his threat.

Well…maybe….

Would I stop him…?

‘I don’t understand what the problem is,’ Dark Schneider made out, straightening and puffing out his ridiculous chest again. ‘I’m so handsome and powerful – all the women want me!’

Cat twisted round to glance at Ladybug, his eyes turned down in worry. ‘Please tell me I didn’t sound this stupid when I used to pose.’

The laughter that had been building in her chest finally exploded, and she shook her head. ‘Besides – you were joking. I think this guy means it.’

‘I do mean it!’ the wizard whined. ‘Women’s clothes instantly fall off at the sight of me! I can make a woman orgasm with one lick of her ear! Even my own foster daughter wanted a piece of me!’

Ladybug and Cat’s mouths fell open.

Dark Schneider winked at Ladybug. ‘Come on, virgin – admit you’re attracted.’

She stepped back and wrinkled her nose in disgust. ‘Ew! I’m only fourteen, anyway.’

‘So am I,’ he said, his voice suddenly younger and expression unsettlingly seriously.

‘You…what?’ Cat stammered.

Then they watched with horror as his face contorted, flickered and changed, sometimes looking like the grown man they’d taken him to be, and sometimes like a child. The child’s face appeared and vanished so quickly that Ladybug almost thought she’d hallucinated it.

His secret identity?

Cat turned to Ladybug, his eyes unusually large – stunned. ‘Is he akumatised?’

‘Worse – he’s totally insane.’ To the wizard, she said, ‘Either help us fight Godzilla or go back to your naked, big-breasted women.’

‘Or your D&D group,’ Cat put in.

Dark Schneider turned askance and crossed his burly arms. ‘All my spells involve violent, gruesome death.’

‘So, you’re useless,’ Ladybug said. No surprise there.

Cat sighed and twirled his stick like a baton. ‘Well, this certainly has been…something.’

Ladybug turned to him. ‘Come on. Let’s go figure out what to do with this baby oil.’

‘Baby oil – what kind of a lucky charm is that?’ Cat said.

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. ‘I don’t know. The writer’s lost it, this time.’

And they ran off together to deal with Godzilla, leaving Dark Schneider to return to his own story.