Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Mason turned off the alarm clock at six in the morning, his still-closed eyes begging for more time lying in that bed, even if he wasn't asleep. He wasn't sure if what he needed was more rest or just not having to get up to start the day.

He tried to relax as he counted second by second until he had completed two extra minutes lying on the bed with his face covered by the sheets. It was a cool morning even though it was still the last days of summer, one in which the heat waves recorded in the UK had alarmed everyone only about three weeks ago. Less than a month later, the clouds in the sky and the cool morning winds had returned, as per the usual schedule after a break. 

What a coincidence , he thought.

He glanced at the window, the dim light coming through its curtains and the way it reflected on the floor. Maybe the weather didn't really had any connection to his life, but it was an interesting coincidence that the temperatures he was most accustomed to were returning exactly in the last few weeks of preparation with his team to start the season. Just as the cold mornings, hot, unsweetened coffee, the unbearable tone of his alarm clock and training sessions were returning, so was life returning to normal. It was an idea he longed for at the same time it repelled him, but he was familiar with the feeling of being comfortable in discomfort.

With little desire to do so, he got up and walked to the closet, grabbed the previous day's clothes and didn't bother to look in the mirror. Occasionally, shaving was also too demanding an activity for his mood in the morning, as was occasionally brushing his teeth in the evenings. It was pathetic, and a bad habit too, but a few weeks ago Erin had sent him one of those infographics about mental health in which they said that during depression it was normal to lose the energy to do even the simplest things, and that had resonated with him as he thought about many of the things that used to be routinely done, like trying to comb his hair in the mornings, shaving, or brushing his teeth. It had been a long time since he had done it as consistently as he should have, and that had worried his best friend as she saw him every day arriving at training looking worse every time. She told him so, and in therapy he talked about it, but it wasn't as if he wasn't aware that there was a problem, he just didn't have the energy to fix it, even though he had made an effort to hide the loss of these habits in front of his mother on the time he had spent at her house this summer.

He ate the leftovers from last night's dinner for breakfast, turned on the TV even though he wasn't watching it, and continued that morning without stepping into the shower, but instead splashing his face in the sink and drying it immediately; he had grown a slightly longer beard than he usually did after a week of returning to his apartment, but he wasn't one for much facial hair either, so he decided that the shaving could wait until the evening, if he had the energy or mood then. Lately it was hard to muster both, but he was trying to get better at it and not make a big deal out of it.

''Low mood'' is what he preferred to call it, so that his mother wouldn't have to worry about him in addition to herself. He knew that at some point the therapy sessions would have to bring better results, maybe medication, and he would be okay again, regardless of how much time he needed for that. While that was happening, he had to try to put on the best face for those around him, especially his family. After all, they were all going through a difficult time as well.

The hope that things would be okay again at some point was the kind of thought that got him back on his feet every morning, but he knew he couldn't avoid his responsibilities forever, and getting back to the daily routine was also part of the process. The season was about to begin with the team, and although everyone was aware of the recent events in his personal life, there was no better way to try to turn the page than to focus on the team's goals, even if the first week of practice he had to awkwardly accept dozens of condolences from his teammates that only reminded him of everything he didn't want to remember.

That morning, upon his arrival at Cobham, he accepted a couple more from those teammates who had just returned from vacation upon arriving at the club on the way to the locker room, where he tried to project the cheerful attitude more usual to himself as he chatted with some of his closest teammates. The team's five new players had been introduced a few days ago in press conferences with the media and some fans, but that day would be their first meeting with the rest of the players, which made the atmosphere around them a mixture of hopeful and nervous feelings. 

Mason didn't really feel connected to those emotions. In fact, it was hard for him to feel connected to any emotion in the past few months, but the discomfort of overthinking that problem only made him more fearful of the sneaky roots of the anxiety crises, the ones he had been managing to control throughout July. August was beginning, and he didn't want any more problems; he expected a quiet and boring month, like every day used to feel before: the everydayness was one of those things he couldn't appreciate until he missed it, the things that weren't new and the evenings watching TV for hours without any other thought in his mind. Time did not run backwards, unfortunately.

He glanced up at the bright cloudy sky. He hoped that most of the boys were used to the European climate, because England seemed to have grown tired too quickly of the sun and heat of that summer, and ahead of them awaited an autumn full of clouds.

—All right, lads, I want you to welcome our new players, —said the manager, pointing to the five men standing next to him— We hope you receive them in a good way and we also hope they are enthusiastic about joining this project for which we have worked and will continue to work, I can assure you that you are in a team that takes this seriously and that will fight hard to achieve great results this season... Well, as you know, these years have not been easy for us, but we have tried to improve... and we have succeeded. Okay? We've done it. As you may have heard, —he said, addressing the new members of the team— last season we were very close to getting a place in the Europa League, our first international tournament in a few years, and we were very, very, close, but... well, the last few games were extremely complicated and luck was not on our side. The important thing is that we now know our potential; the goal this year is to reach it to the maximum, and to return to competing in international tournaments. I am sure that with your help we will be able to achieve it.

The man's words were followed by a round of applause from his players, who formed a half circle in front of him and the other five.

—Thank you, boys. Well, I guess we can skip any more introductions, I'll give you a few minutes to get ready before we start, don't take too long —he winked.

The rest knew what that meant. As was customary with the team, the newcomers had to receive a couple of slaps and pats on the back from their teammates, but not before promising to sing at dinner during their first game and giving everyone else a hug. Mason struggled to remember their names as he approached to greet them: the tallest was Édouard Mendy; the new goalkeeper, the older, small-eyed one was Thiago Silva; defender with a great run in other teams, the blond was Timo Werner; one of the Germans who would be expected to score the goals, while in his same position would be the long-lashed Hakim Ziyech, and the other German, the pale, blue-eyed one, Kai Havertz.

He wanted to show them a good impression as he approached. They would probably know absolutely nothing about him, and Mason certainly preferred it that way, so he gave them a friendly smile and words of welcome before each greeting. 

They seemed friendly, Édouard had a smile that was infectious in the few words he exchanged with him, Thiago hugged him tighter than he expected, and Timo and Hakim approached with a nervous laugh. 

—Hey, welcome, mate —he said, as he approached Kai Havertz. 

—Thanks —nodded the other, with no expression on his face. 

And he didn't intend to notice it too much, he wasn't even really concentrating on what he was doing at the moment, but barely having touched his back to bring him closer, Kai had stepped back as if it had been something of a surprise.

—Oh, I'm sorry —Mount rushed to say.

—No, no, sorry, no problem, no, I don't know why I did that —he laughed without looking at him.

—Don't worry, it's okay, uh... well, welcome to the team —he said, offering him his hand. Havertz shook it quickly, smiling as he looked at him.

—Thank you, thank you, it' s nice to meet you.

—Same to you, Kai.

—Okay, uh...

—Mason.

—Mason, thank you... —He smiled quickly. It took him a couple more seconds to notice that he hadn't let go of the other's hand and to do so immediately, given Mount's questioning look— Uh, well, I think I'm going to go on with the others.

—Sure, I hope they don't scare you —he smiled, to which Kai responded with a shy laugh.

And he walked off towards the place where the rest of his teammates were. 

Mason watched him discreetly as he greeted the others, pretending to tie his shoelaces. He didn't want to make him uncomfortable with his gaze, but he was registering as carefully as he could the way that, unlike with him, Kai didn't seem to act strangely toward any of his other teammates or to be uncomfortable with physical contact.

Maybe I just took him by surprise.

 Kai had also seemed distracted in his own mind when approaching him, and perhaps that was the reason he had reacted that way with him. He would have understood anyway if he wasn't the kind of person who liked hugs, but he seemed comfortable with them when approaching others. He also didn't seem to be the kind of person who would be rude to him for no reason, so he was confident that it was probably just an accident. 

Yes, probably an accident. Mason noticed, after his coach's return to the field, that maybe he was thinking about it too much, and he didn't know why, but it didn't bother him. It was one of those moments when he wasn't lost in his own negative thoughts and his mind was finally distracted by other stuff. That was good, it was the way he missed living, just thinking about the present. That was also what his therapist often encouraged him to do, to concentrate on the present, and every time he managed to do that he felt a little more at peace with himself. As he started with the training exercises with the rest of his teammates, he decided to return his gaze to where Havertz was, and to his surprise, he frequently found Kai's eyes on him as well. 

He had noticed it since the introductory talk, even though he wasn't paying as much attention: although he was now concentrating on the trainer's words, Kai's gaze was on him. 

Kai's gaze followed him at times, which he could notice at the corner of his eye and ended the moment he looked back at him. 

During training, that had been a constant and he couldn't help but take notice, though it wasn't really annoying: realizing that there was something on his mind that caused him interest was a reason to be glad, even if it distracted him from wondering why Kai was looking specifically at him without speaking a word to him. Mason watched him out of curiosity; because he wanted to know if doing so was still reciprocal and because his slim, tall physique was unusual for someone in his position, plus he found his facial structure interesting, but Kai was looking at him too, and he wasn't sure why. 

—Uh, Mase, are you okay? do you need anything? —Trevoh asked as he approached him. He had found him at the end of practice looking intently at his own shirt, hoping to find some reason that might explain the look on the new guy's face.

—Uh... yeah. Yeah, yeah, don't worry, it's all right —he nodded— Well, just... Is there something wrong with me?

His mate inspected him from head to toe, confused.

—Uh... no. Not that I can see it, I think. Is there something I should be looking at?

—No, no, it's, it's just a silly doubt... but everything's okay, don't worry about it.

—Are you sure? I saw you standing there for a while, so...

—Was it a long time? Well, uh, I guess I didn't realize it. Okay, uh, it's okay, it's all right.

—Huh, okay —his mate kindly smiled— And, well, hey... Have you been... okay? You know, about...

—About my dad, yeah, uh... —If there was one topic he didn't want to bring up, it was that one. Come on, he was getting a little distracted that day, why did he have to talk about it? His heart was quickly feeling a twinge that would take him a while to forget again. He swallowed discreetly; Trevoh wasn't to blame for it, he was trying to be nice. He had to be nice about it— Well, I've been better. It's, it's hard, but I'm making progress. I think I'm making progress —or so I think, he thought.

—I'm glad to hear that, man. You know, I've lost some people too, well, a lot of people I didn't know that well, I mean, it happened when I was a kid living in Sierra Leone, so... well, like, I mean, you know if you need to talk to someone, I'm always here, Mase.

—Thanks, Trev. Really appreciate it —he nodded, a half smile forming on his face— I wish I knew what else to tell you but....

—Don't worry, just... just remember that the whole team is with you, okay? If you want to talk to someone, we're here for you.

—Sure —he smiled— Thanks, mate.

Trevoh pressed his palm against Mason's shoulder in a supportive gesture before heading back to the locker room with the rest of his mates.

The reality was that, while he appreciated the gestures of support, talking about it was something he both urged and begged to avoid. It was necessary, his heart was asking for it, but now that he wanted to stop having blue days on a daily basis, a part of himself became fed up with the subject, with repeating it every week in therapy, with giving explanations every time someone asked about it, and dealing with the pain of remembering everything even when three months had passed since it had happened.

And when he thought that sort of stuff he felt he was disrespecting his father's memory. That the mourning should last longer, and that he should let that feeling of misery and desolation take over his mind again, because just forgetting it wasn't possible, and he didn't want to do that to his father.

He sighed, while, in the dressing room, he dried his hair with his towel and rubbed his eyes in front of the mirror of his locker. His eyes looked like that of someone who hadn't slept in days, even though his time at home in the last few months was mostly used for sleeping. Perhaps going out occasionally in recent days was the reason for feeling so tired again, but he had to get used to normal life eventually. 

Now that he had returned to London after a whole summer at his mother's house in Portsmouth, his team had the whole season ahead of them and the hope of the fans recovering to support them in a new chapter of the Premier League.

Last season had been cathartic; with an excellent start led by Thomas Tuchel, the team had managed to stay at the top of the table for almost the entire season, securing a place in the Champions League for months after almost ten years without participating in international competitions. It seemed impossible to stop dreaming at the time; but the problem had only come at the end of the season, and Mason knew how much he had to do with it.

When on the morning of the first of May his father had unexpectedly passed away from a heart attack, the whole world collapsed for Mason. The team granted him permission to leave practice with the team and travel to his hometown to mourn his loss, but that week, which passed between the complete disbelief in his mind and the emptiness he felt in his soul, could in no way be enough to heal his heart. Not a week, not two, no month or three months later, and no one could have known more than his team and their fans, when after his return from Portsmouth, his ability on the pitch seemed to fade along with his liveliness.

His family suffered and cried at home, his mother dealt with depression with the help of a psychiatrist, but he, at Cobham, simply looked like a living dead during the last weeks of the season, as his team went from second in the table to third, to fourth, to sixth, and finally to finish the season in seventh place in the table: without any chance of fighting for a place in the international European competitions.

It had been a couple of months now, including the whole summer, and the memories of that May were so blurred that he could barely remember what was going on around him in those moments, it was like a blank in his memory, and in a way he preferred it that way.

He closed his locker and left his towel on one of the racks by the dressing room door. His hair was still a little wet as he walked down the path that led him between the dressing room area of the club to the health care building. He walked slowly, as the afternoon was still showing a decent amount of light and his mates were just beginning to leave Cobham. He decided to wait for a while sitting by the building, without going inside, waving goodbye from a distance to some of the guys on the team while through his headphones the music played loud enough to distract his mind from thoughts of any kind. Lately it was a little easier to listen to music that didn't bring bad feelings to his mind, since Erin was in charge of choosing the songs he added to his playlist, and fortunately, their tastes were similar enough. 

He took the opportunity to send her a thank you message for the latest album she had suggested.

At 6 p.m., unlike most of his mates, he was still inside the club's facilities. There was usually no one in the waiting room; it wasn't as if any of his mates were going to give him weird looks or even hint about it, but he knew well that, of the few of his teammates who attended psychological therapy at the club, he had never seen a single one in the waiting room before going in for a session.

It was a kind of code that no one had written; somehow, no one wanted to be seen in such vulnerable situations as finding out that something wasn't right in their life. Mason had grown accustomed over the past few months to accepting the vulnerability of telling the whole world that he wasn't okay, but for a few months now, that vulnerability had been so common that it had become a habit to the point where it no longer mattered to feel vulnerable.

And he didn't like feeling that way, but thinking about changing it, changing anything, was the kind of plan that took too much energy, and if he had to choose what things to spend the energy he could muster on occasion on, he'd rather use it to slowly get back into his normal routine. Something much calmer, was all he wanted to do, really.

Part of that daily vulnerability had been caused by how much the media had talked about his private life after his father's death. The team had done well last season, but when the team's young star player had to leave and upon his return seemed to have completely forgotten how to play football, it was obvious that the media would wonder what had happened.

And then, through his family's Instagram posts, they had found out all about it. During that week, between the funeral and the burial, he hadn't even looked at his social media, but when he had to pack up to go back to London he knew: suddenly his father's death was all over the sports papers.

Condolences came pouring in, from everyone he came across, and they only brought back the horrible reminder of what was a fact; that his father was no longer in this world. He was gone, and that thought could not leave him at any time of the day, not even at games, which he eventually had to watch from the bench when his coach recognised that the emotional pain had hit him like an injury, and thus he could no longer play.

It made sense that the media had found him to blame for the team's losing hopes of qualifying for the Europa League, and while they sympathised with him and spoke decorously about his father's passing, they did point to his role in the team's collapse in the Premier League. And that hurt so much to hear so often that it had made him feel at some point that he wished he could stop existing for a while.

He didn't want to die, did he? He just wanted to take a nap so long that it would shut everything down for a while, and that after that time, he could wake up and everything would be better. Everything would be normal again, and I could avoid going through all the pain, but that wasn't possible. The normality he knew would never return to his life, because his father couldn't come back from death.

—Mase? —Ben called out to him, coming out of the office.

—Uh, yes, just a moment.

That's where Ben had appeared.

Chilwell had been one of his best friends since arriving in London years ago, and although their professional paths had diverged when Ben decided to go to university and pursue a degree in psychology, life had brought them back together when a vacancy in the mental health department at Chelsea FC had opened a little over a year earlier. No one at the club knew that the two were close friends, let alone that Mason had done everything he could to make sure his friend could secure the vacancy and join the health team, but when Mason urgently needed to seek psychological care on the orders of his own head coach, things had to change.

So, although the mental health managers had assigned Ben as his therapist because of his speciality, the problem with treating him was his friendship and the ethical issues it would bring in that situation. Luckily, Ben was not the only ally he had within the club. Every week, when his session was scheduled to begin, Ben would walk out of the office to leave him alone with Jack Grealish, who had actually been the one in charge of his psychological therapy sessions for the past three months.

—Do you consider this a temporary problem for you or do you feel it could become a much more serious problem than it is now? You can think of it as a wound, it exists and it will heal, but some wounds take way too long to heal —Jack asked. He had put aside his notebook several minutes ago and was just watching him attentively from the opposite sofa. He usually used only a small part at the beginning of the session to make a couple of notes, but the rest of it his attention was on what Mason had to say. He was grateful for that.

—It's just, I guess it's in me, you know? I don't want to ruin the things that make me happy, I don't want to stop doing the things I've loved, but it scares me that... sometimes I can't even listen to some of the songs I like because.... 

—...they remind you of your father?

—Not exactly... I mean, some of them remind me of him, but some of them just... remind me of this, of this moment. They remind me of the moment I'm going through and the situation I'm still in. I don't like to be reminded of that, because thinking about it sometimes makes me feel really bad. Really, really, really bad.

—Does the moment you're in make you feel bad?

—Uh... Sort of. Sometimes it does, uh... —he sighed— there are days lately where I feel really good, where I feel like everything makes sense again and that everything is going to be okay, but there are other days where I just feel awful because I can't be sure about it; I don't know if everything's going to be okay. I don't know when am I going to feel better, or if my life is going to be okay again or if it's just getting worse, because my mother's... she's so depressed and I don't know exactly how she feels, I can't be sure how she's progressing even though I call her or talk to her, I can't be sure that she's going to do the right thing or that she's going to be safe and sound or that her mental state will improve, and that's... God. Thinking about all that reminds me that just as everything can be right, everything can be wrong, while I can have no idea about it, and then it can all end in the worst way?

—But you cannot know that, can you?

—No, I cannot know that.

—Well, because of the distance, I mean, Portsmouth is just over two hours away from London, you can't be aware of everything and you can't be as close as you'd like to be to know everything that's going on with your family, but you can talk to them. For now you can try to monitor how things are going at home each week, and rely on that to reassure you a bit. Your mother has been getting better, hasn't she?

—Uh, I think so. I mean, a fortnight ago she had another crisis, since then there hasn't been another emergency so far. Everything's quiet, there's no bad news, it's just that not having good news doesn't make me feel that calm either.

—For now, quiet might be good news —Jack nodded.

—It's just that there's still a space for doubt, and... it's a big space, you know? —he said. Jack nodded, picking up his notebook and quickly writing down some word Mason couldn't make out— That space is... it could be as big as the chance that everything will be okay and work out in the end, but it might not. I hate that I can't stop worrying about it, but how am I supposed to when I can't know how the hell my life will go on? Not knowing what's going to happen now is hell —he laughed bitterly. His eyes felt the urge to tear up, but he'd learned to control that.

—Uncertainty —Jack replied—. Uncertainty is part of everyone's life, and it's usually an ever present one. Mason, well, we've dealt with this in past sessions, but... Understanding uncertainty is extremely important.

—I know, I know. I know, it's just something I don't... want.

—Would you like to talk about that feeling?

—I... I don't know, I don't think so, uh, sorry... I mean, this whole situation... I trust that it will pass at some point and I know I can't just rush it, so... I guess I just have to be more patient —he sighed. He let his arm fall into his lap, then looked at Jack— Could we talk about it next week? 

—Okay. It's a good thing you're honest if that's all you want to say for now, okay? But —he pointed to the clock hanging on the wall beside him— we still have some time left in the session. Are there any more topics you'd like to address? What about what we talked about last session? About the pressure with the club and the fans, did you reflect more on that?

Mason sighed, sinking unwillingly a little deeper into the couch he was sitting on. He looked at the window, which looked out onto the garden outside the building. By the white picket fence in the background, lavender flowers swayed in the wind.

—Well, I think things still feel pretty much like that. You know, it's... it feels like everyone's getting more and more on me.

—What do you mean?

—Well, it's like... it's like, since what happened last season, everybody's watching me closely and hoping that my grief is over soon and my recovery is quick, so that the club has a chance again to compete for something, but... really, it feels like everybody's expecting a lot more from me just because it was my fault that we didn't qualify last season.

—Mason, remember what we talked about; what happened wasn't "your fault".

—Well, maybe, but at least that's what everyone thinks.

—Okay, let's talk about " everyone". Who are these people? 

—Well, it's been implied by all the media... and all the fans on my Instagram account.

Jack sighed to that.

—Well, Mason, just because a bunch of people say it doesn't make it true, okay? Remember that reality exists in everyone's universe in different ways, but you are the person closest to the events, and your truth should be the most important in this case. Listen, if I may give you a perspective: I am also a fan of the club, and I believe that the responsibility to qualify was the responsibility of the whole team, not yours.

—And we know that the whole team got screwed up after I broke down, so... — I was the catalyst. I catalysed the whole mess when I stopped functioning after my father died. And now I think everyone's waiting for me to finish crying so I don't fuck it up again . He didn't say any of that out loud; he thought about it, his mind kept talking when his mouth didn't, and stopped when he noticed how much that thought hurt deep in his heart. He didn't want to worry Ben, who Jack was going to talk to about his progress for the weekly reports the club asked for. He wanted his friend to be calm and he wanted to show Jack progress as a patient. Was it progress if he could stop his thoughts before they did more damage? It seemed to him that it was — It's hard to get that idea out of my head. I don't want to let everyone down again and... I just wish this could go faster.

Jack nodded slowly. He leaned forward, both hands together on his knees.

—Mason, you have to understand that what you're going through is grief. The passing of a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences people go through in their lives. I know football doesn't wait, but it seems to me that if there's one time you can allow yourself patience, this should definitely be it.

Mason sighed. He took his eyes off Jack and looked at the ground instead.

—I guess so.

—Would you like to end today's session here?

—I'd appreciate it —he said, sitting up uncomfortably in his place— I'm sorry, Jack, it's just....

—Don't worry, you don't have to explain. It's fine, I'll see you next week, okay? —he clarified, as they both got up from their places.

—I really appreciate it. I know it's not ideal, I'm just a little tired today. But I'm fine, really, I'm fine.

—Don't worry, this doesn't mean any negative for the weekly reports, if that's what you're worried about —he assured, with a sympathetic smile— Overall, your progress is still there, Mason, and don't worry, it's not linear anyway. There are good days and bad days along the way. 

Mason nodded. Jack's kind expression assured him that he could trust his words, and part of him felt it was his place to do so. At times like that he just wanted to be able to go home to bed after long days, and to do it at ease was something he appreciated more than his tired face could express.

—Thanks for understanding, mate.

He took the bus home with Erin; while they couldn't always go to practice together in the morning, they tried to go home together whenever possible. His best friend had been living in the apartment complex across the street from his for a few months, when her parents had finally allowed her to rent a flat with some of her teammates. She and Mason had planned to move in together someday from the first moment their friendship had been born, when they met on the team five years ago, but Erin's parents weren't so sure about the idea of letting their daughter live with a man who wasn't even her boyfriend, even more so when, in fact, they wished he was.

In reality, Erin was much further away from a romantic relationship with Mason and much closer to one with one of the four girls with whom she shared an apartment. Specifically, that new girl who had arrived to the team only a couple of months ago straight from Russia.

—So, how's it going with Alsu? —Mason asked, playfully approaching her friend.

—Smooth sailing... —she sighed.

—Uh... Are you serious or are you being sarcastic?

—What do you think?

—Oh, I see. I guess there hasn't been much progress.

—No. Unfortunately, it's all pretty much business as usual —she shrugged—. It would be so much easier if she were British. Or American, or Australian, or from anywhere other than Russia, you know? 

—Yeah, I get it —he nodded, slung his backpack over his shoulder—. Well, don't let that disappoint you too soon, at least you two talk a bit more, don't you? I saw you leave the dining hall together today. Alone.

—Yep —she said, kicking a rock out of the way with a smile,—. We've been talking quite a bit these days, she's improved her English a lot.

—Are you helping her at home?

—Yes, she practices English with all of us... yesterday I helped her open a jar, by the way.

—Hey, look at you! You're quite the lady in conquest!

—I have my moments —said Erin, shrugging her shoulders— but, what about you? How you been today? 

—Uh, good. I've managed to focus on other things these days and... I think you were right, getting back to playing is a big help for that.

—It'd better, innit? How is it going with the new boys?

—They were just introduced today, actually. They're quite nice, there are two Germans and the other three are from different countries, but it looks like they'll soon get used to the playing style.

—Are there any hot ones? 

—Erin! 

—What? I'm just asking what i will have to ask at some point...

—Pretty straightforward, perhaps... —he sighed, looking around, clear, before answering—. I don't know, Er, actually... I don't know exactly how I feel about talking about... that stuff yet.

—Oh. I see, I understand, don't worry —she nodded, giggling slightly as they looked at each other again—. Take your time.

—Sorry, it's all pretty weird, you know.

—Seriously, I get it —she smiled— When I told my sister I was a lesbian, I was fifteen, and so far I've never told her when I like someone.

—Hey, I'm not going to do that with you, huh! No, I won't take that much time, it's just... —he sighed—. I don't know exactly how to process my feelings yet or if it is the right word... you know, bisexual.

—It's normal, don't worry, Mase. Besides, everything that... happened recently, I guess... it's difficult.

—Yeah, sort of... but, hey, all the guys seem nice. At least one of them spent the whole training session looking at me.

—Oh, that's new —she looked at him— and did you like that?

—No, I don't know. I don't know, I mean, he literally just looked at me, and not like, in a romantic way or anything, but more like, he looked at me weird. It's funny, he has a very easy face to remember, but maybe he just looks like someone I know, I just can't remember who. I've been trying to remember the whole training.

—Maybe you were attracted to him because of familiarity, then.

—I wasn't attracted to him, let's be clear —he replied quickly—. It's just that he seems shy and his physique is... unusual. He's just unusual.

—Yeah, sounds like he is —she grinned.

—Haha, that's funny.

—I don't know, mate, but I hope you and that unusual guy can start to become friends, he seems to interest you at least a little bit, and if it distracts your mind, I like him.

—Yeah, I guess. Well, at least his face kept my mind occupied today, certainly. 

—Erin smiled suggestively, making him laugh once more before shifting the conversation to less important topics. They talked about the ins and outs of their day to day lives, as they did after every training day on the walk from the bus stop near the apartment building condo they lived in to the exact spot in front of their buildings. 

They joked and chatted leisurely until they reached the place where their buildings faced each other and they had to separate, to take the rest of the way to their respective flats.

—See you tomorrow, Mase. Wish me luck with her —Erin whispered, crossing her fingers. 

—You don't need it. You can do it! 

—You trust me too much —she smirked, which soon turned into a more serious expression— Hey, and... I trust you too, okay? Mase... remember to try and have some time for self-care, relax when you do, you can put on a TV series or something, just... just try to have something to distract your mind, okay?

—Thank you, Er. Seriously, thanks for your concern, and... I will do that. I'm going to try today.

—You know you can call me any time, right? 

—I know.

She nodded, lips slightly pursed, to pull her mate in for a hug. 

—I'll see you tomorrow at practice, mate.

—See you.

Erin still showed him both fingers crossed before passing the door of her building, as a sign of wishing him good luck, and he responded in the same way.

He hadn't actually told her that in the last two days, when they hadn't been able to see each other as often, he had once again forgotten to wash his face before going to bed, and that, along with an uncontrollable impulsivity that led him to finish off what was left of the peanut butter in the jar he'd bought last week, had caused a small outbreak of pimples near the hairline of his forehead. 

I didn't want to worry Erin, especially when she had things to worry about too. The girls would be starting the season with three new recruits as well; among them, that Russian girl who had her best mate head over heels, but the scenario wasn't necessarily encouraging. The adaptation was not going smoothly, and although the results in the preparation matches had been favourable, the new girls still had a lot to learn about life in England.  The image of Kai came back to her mind for a second.

He knew he came from some mid-table German team, and that made him wonder if he would have lived in a small town too, if he would have learned English there. Would he be ready for life in England? Would he already have a place to live in London? And if not, maybe he could be a good flatmate, he seemed like a nice person.

You don't even know him, you idiot.

Well, any of his mates in that age range surely would be. It didn't necessarily have to be Kai. Maybe he was overthinking it.

Erin would probably know better than him how to propose to someone else to be roommates: initially, living together in a small flat was the idea they'd both fabricated for moving to London when they'd been accepted into the club's academy, however, things hadn't gone so smoothly when they'd discussed the idea with their parents. Mason's parents had accepted it calmly, but Erin's parents didn't think it was the best idea for their daughter to move to a faraway city and live with someone who was nothing more than her best mate, so they had ended up choosing apartment buildings that were opposite each other. Of course, as tempting as it had been for Erin to lie to her parents and pretend that Mason had been her boyfriend since she was fifteen, she had refused. 

Why? Because from the moment she'd told her best mate that it was actually women she was attracted to, she'd made it clear that she didn't want to keep a secret forever. Someday she was going to tell her parents, and there would be no lies involved in the process... it was just that, after years, she still didn't feel the right time to do it.

And Mason really understood her: if straight relationships were complicated, she knew from her best mate that trying to have that kind of connection with someone of the same gender raised the difficulty even higher, and that was also why he was barely comfortable enough to talk about his feelings for other men or approach the subject only in confidence with her best mate. It had been several months since he had come to the conclusion, after many therapy sessions, that he was also emotionally and physically attracted to men. Discovering this had not been easy, it had taken him many years to get to the point where he could allow these emotions and actions to happen without restriction, but admitting it to himself had been an equally long process, all the more so as there was always in the back of his mind the uneasiness and the constant thought that his attraction to women was still there, It had not diminished at the rate that his attraction to men was increasing, and perhaps if he just concentrated on that he could avoid the problems that an out-of-the-norm sexual orientation implied, because even though denial would be stupid, it was also true that he didn't even have the capacity to think about further conflict.

Now, at present, the problems arising from his father's death had taken up enough of his mind to prevent him from thinking about himself for the past few months. Now, the summer was over, the holidays were over and the time of mourning had to end one day: that was what he kept telling himself, and since the water was calm again, his mind started to allow himself some things again, like thinking about some other things that had nothing to do with his mourning. 

A few weeks ago he had gone back to eat at his favourite café; he had tried again those blueberry pancakes that had once been a Monday routine, and had enjoyed them again as he had before. He had started listening to new music, songs that could not remind him of the past, and creating memories with them that he could relate to taking a leisurely walk to the local park, to shopping for food in different places than he used to go before, or to taking a shower again where the music was so loud that he could not think of anything else but rinsing the soap off his body and feeling the steam of the water. 

These were not things he enjoyed on a daily basis, nor did he have the energy to do so often, but he was relearning to live again in the day to day and enjoy the little things in his routine, without feeling as if he was failing to mourn forever.

So, at times like that, a few hours after arriving home, he found himself on his living room couch, in a position that wouldn't look very comfortable to anyone watching, a box of cereal at his side and his mind completely lost in the fifth episode in a row of one of the series that the guys on the team had been discussing all week. It wasn't the kind of show he was used to watching; superheroes weren't his style, but it had been a long time since he'd given a series like that a chance. 

And, honestly, it wasn't as bad as he would have imagined. 

It was enough to have kept him the whole afternoon-evening in the same place, eating without noticing until he'd emptied a quarter of the box and doing so in an unusual combination with nothing but pure water. Still, it had been enough to keep his attention entirely on the screen. He glanced at his phone: the clock read ten o'clock at night, and the windows overlooking the small backyard of the apartment building now gave way to no more than the darkness of night and the dim lights of the surrounding buildings that managed to get through the filter of his curtains. The entire flat was dark, and though curiosity was urging him to play the next chapter, he knew that turning off the television and getting ready for bed would be adding a point of responsibility, so he did so. 

He pressed the button that left the screen black, picked up the cereal box from the floor and, before going to the kitchen, made the decision to take a moment to pick up the fallen eyelets from the floor, gather them into a napkin and carry them to the rubbish bin. Seeing that piece of paper there, with what he had collected from the couch, brought a smile to his face, because it might not seem like much, but it was a step, and it was one that took more effort than anyone would have thought. Still, leaving the cereal box on the table and turning on only the lights on the stairs leading up to his room instead of the one on the door was one of those things he still allowed himself to neglect: his energy was not unlimited, but things could be taken one step at a time. 

It seemed to him that the amount of cereal he had eaten was enough to be considered dinner, so it would not be necessary to take more than a last glass of water before climbing the stairs to his room.

The nightly efforts were becoming even more exhaustive than his day-to-day, and it wasn't as if his body was resenting it, but his brain was asking him to begin the restful activity of lying in bed and watching short videos that made him laugh for a couple of hours before going to sleep, but that wasn't what he wanted to do when he remembered the way Erin's face saddened every time, before she said goodbye, she asked him to take care of himself, and it wasn't a question of safety, it was a question of self-care.

He looked over his shoulder, to see his back to himself in the bathroom mirror in his room. Sometimes, when he did so, he was aware of himself again.

He was aware that the life he was living was his own, that what was happening was part of his doing, and for some reason, that didn't feel right. The uncertainty about the future and the insecurity of what was left of his life, which was supposed to be a long time, was the kind of restlessness that should have made him lose his mind ever since he had moved out of his parents' house years ago, ever since he had decided to leave school and take up football, but it hadn't been like that then. He didn't know why, but a few years ago, when that had happened, the future had seemed bright and full of possibilities, there was no danger that made it seem overwhelming. Something had changed and it now provoked a sense of fear. Perhaps it was in the realisation that life could actually be much shorter than expected, or perhaps in the knowledge that every moment of fulfilling his dreams was a second wasted without those he loved most. Everything that seemed so vast and secure when he was younger was also fragile and volatile. So knowing that he was in charge of his own future didn't bring him the slightest peace of mind. It had been years since he had stopped living in his parents' house, and that meant that the things that happened to him no longer had anything to do with them - or with her, for that matter.... 

He still wasn't used to no longer counting his father as part of that unit he had so long called his family, because although he was still his father, he was... no longer... there. He no longer existed in this world, the one he called father no longer existed, now he was just a memory. A big memory, too fresh and too vivid in his mind to stop thinking of him as a person he would still see and hug again. And now he was crying again, as he hadn't been able to stop crying at least once a day for the last four months. 

And he had to sit for a moment on the couch next to his bed. Resting his body on it and sinking his face into his hands, to support his head as he should and to wipe away the tears that fell like raindrops in the English skies from his eyes. 

He spent a few minutes in that position, but his tears were not a sea. In fact, what kept him like this was that pain in his chest he felt every time he was aware of it all over again, that this was his life, and he couldn't change it. He remembered everything that brought him back to reality in those moments; he remembered the breathing exercises Ben taught him, he remembered the sessions with Jack, he remembered Erin telling him to take care of himself, asking him with a sincere look. 

Remembering that. That's how he was able to stand up after a couple of minutes.

He got up from that couch, and with his best mate's words in mind, he walked to the bathroom: looking in the mirror was one of those things he often avoided, because it usually ended up in memories and thoughts full of the anxiety and depression he was trying to leave behind, but he tried again.

He looked at his own eyes in the mirror, one and the other, deeply: the redness around them from tears, the way their tearing seemed more pronounced, the expression they made; he could almost connect with the feelings that were there, even though they were hidden for long periods of the day. He knew, because it was himself: that in his eyes there was a deep sadness that seemed to have no end, if the reason for it was never going to have a solution; that in his eyes, the ones he saw in the mirror, there was denial, heaviness, fear, and above all, there was pain.

He knew it, that reflection was himself, but when he was aware of it all, when he saw it so clearly, he felt as if his own mind was asking for help, because he really wanted to stop being in that place, and he was sick of feeling like that.

He sighed, looking at the tap that he turned on to let the water fall into his hands, feeling the way the liquid and its freshness made his hands transmit that tranquillity that emanated from them to his whole body. A small smile formed on his lips thanks to that sensation, and he washed his hands calmly. He then proceeded to wash his face as well and while his skin still looked wet in the reflection, he ventured to use his shaving cream and pick up the razor again, after all those days.

Mason smiled again at what he saw in front of him. Hell, he'd even brushed his teeth before bed; it was the most decent effort he'd made in the last few days, and though that feeling that would never go away still lingered somewhere in the back of his mind, he could at least ignore it for bedtime.

He had never been able to break the habit of keeping the bathroom light on when he went to sleep, because darkness was a condition he did not need to endure: the indirect light helped him to sleep calmly, and that regret in his heart always subsided gently after he regained his composure. He covered his whole body with the sheets until he could no longer see the slightest trace of moonlight coming through his window and closed his eyes, to let the tiredness he carried every day on his shoulders go in a breath.

His body was beginning to let go, to free itself from the burden of the day to give way to unconscious imagination, when he heard it. That sound was the sound of the door to the kitchen windows.

For a moment he wondered whether he should be alarmed; whether it would be necessary to get up and check, or whether he could sleep on and ignore it all, now that he really felt the sleep on his eyelids, but after a few moments' hesitation he accepted what he knew: of course he should get up. It might be the third floor in his building, but there were all sorts of people who wouldn't hesitate to climb whatever they had to in order to steal what they could. 

Plus he had a tree right in front of the back windows of the flat; his damn kitchen had huge windows that he'd never gotten curtains for, and Erin had told him a thousand times, told him to do it. But there was security around the buildings, it wasn't a particularly dangerous area, so why would anyone go in there? What if there really wasn't anyone there? Maybe it was just a squirrel or a bird... were squirrels awake in the middle of the night? As he made his way down the steps to the kitchen he wondered if he should take something with him in case there really was a person trying to get into his flat, so he went back upstairs as quickly as he could and grabbed an umbrella from his room. With this in hand, he went back down the steps, avoiding making as much noise as he could, since the noises below had also ceased. 

He kept his body close to the wall that separated the stairs from the kitchen, trying to listen for the slightest noise that would let him know if whatever had rattled his windows was still outside or perhaps inside: the sound was now a constant but very low tapping on the wood of his furniture.

A mouse? A squirrel? He was ready to start a chase downstairs in his flat, but as he leaned his body to peer behind the wall, he had encountered what he had least expected to see: 

That was Kai Havertz, sitting on his kitchen counter and swinging his feet, which were dangling from it.

Chapter Text

He closed his eyes again and again, expecting the image he was seeing to disappear from in front of him, but it did not. The sound of tapping corresponded to each time his heels hit the wood behind them lightly, as his long, slender fingers drummed on the surface. Mason felt his heart race from one moment to the next, as Kai continued to move, his eyes lost somewhere on the outside in front of him, in the windows, where the night wind caused the leaves of the trees to fall and blow away amidst the moonlight: He felt as if he were looking at an art painting, because the scene in front of him looked so peaceful, so calm and so pleasant that it was difficult to understand that what he was looking at was his own kitchen, and his new teammate in the middle of it. 

That brought him back to reality: that it was past midnight, that he was in his flat and had just woken up in the middle of his dreams, but what the hell was he looking at? And why the fuck was it there?

He returned the rest of his body to hide behind the wall, just so he could catch his breath for a few seconds, before rubbing his eyes as much as he could, biting the skin of his hand and checking again and again how much it hurt the harder he tried to do it, just as he checked every time his gaze returned to the kitchen that the image of his mate sitting on his furniture was still there, and moving. 

He noticed his breathing, watched the way he looked at the floor and occasionally at the moonlight coming through the windows in front of him, the same light that illuminated his entire body and let Mason peer closely at the features he'd seen at practice, in that strange first interaction with him. 

Kai was still there, and he couldn't believe it.

—Kai... Havertz?

At the sound of his voice, the man turned around on his own position and looked him straight in the eye, smiling slightly, as if they weren't in the strangest situation they could possibly find themselves in. Mason could feel all the warmth in his body vanish in a second. 

—Mason? —he asked back, cocking his head slightly. 

The confusion visible on Mount's face was probably why Kai had smiled even wider at his expression. He called out to him again, that smile still present.

—Mason Mount?

—Uh... yes. Yes, clearly.

—What are you doing hiding there?

He shook his head in disbelief, immediately leaving where he was and heading into his kitchen.

—Uh, I... I mean... Do you mind if I ask the exact same question?

Kai laughed lightly at that answer, raising his shoulders. The older man simply couldn't stop blinking in an attempt to check that he wasn't still asleep, the closer he got to where the other stood and the moonlight brought out the pallor of his skin, as well as the clear blue of his eyes. 

—It's complicated to explain... it's kind of complicated, but I really wanted to talk to you.

—Huh?

—Yeah... it must be a bit strange.

— "Talk," —he repeated.

—Talk. Haven't you ever needed to talk to someone?

Before he even paused to think about it, he shook his head to himself, sighing.

—What do you want to talk about?

—Just... talk. Maybe something in you wants to do it once in a while, too.

—I mean, yeah, I understand that, but what... what the hell is this? Hey, this is... —He looked at the windows behind Kai. They were intact, just as they always were, and the lower doors of the apartment building couldn't possibly be open at that hour, certainly not his own door. He rubbed his fingers softly over his eyes again, before looking at Kai again—. The windows aren't broken, the neighbours' dogs aren't barking, you're not here. 

—I... I think I am —he replied, shrugging his shoulders.

—You couldn't have come in here. This has to be a fucking dream, and I don't know why I can't wake up, but I'm having a lucid dream and I have to say it really is ridiculous —he said, folding his arms and laughing without really feeling like he wanted to—. I don't understand why I'm seeing this or why I can't change it, because it's weird.

—Uh, Mason, I... I don't know. I, I just thought we could talk.

Kai giggled back just the same, but his smile seemed sincere. He didn't look as awkward or mysterious as he did in training, but just as friendly, with that expression that looked unintentionally shy. Mason looked away from his eyes, feeling nervous. God, stop with that gay shit.

—I don't understand why I'm dreaming about you and I don't understand why you're so insistent on talking, but I know I'm going to laugh about this tomorrow, because it must be some shit related to the therapy session with Jack, right?

—Well, first of all, I'm not insisting on talking, —he warned— but I could leave if that's what you'd prefer.

—No, no. You don't have to leave, I mean, this is still a fucking dream whether you leave or not, right? I'd rather have you stay than be here alone.

—This isn't a dream, Mason.

—This doesn't make any sense. There's literally no way this could be real, you don't even know where I live, I've never even spoken to you in my life, before today.

—Now you're doing it.

—Yes, with the version of you that my dreams created for some reason. And I don't understand exactly why, but...

—Uh, I guess you're not happy to see me, are you?

Mason looked at him from head to toe. He was still questioning whether he should open his mouth about things he might regret saying later, but the truth was that a specific impulse, like nothing he'd ever experienced before, made him feel confident about the man in front of him. He had never, for months, been able to rest in his dreams, which always turned into ways of tormenting himself during what was supposed to be rest, but this time, despite the unnerving situation, he felt no fear, nor did it seem like a twisted memory that would hurt later. 

It was the first time in months that, in his dreams, he had seen a new person, with whom he had no sentimental ties.

And he didn't know if what he was doing was the right thing to do, but that was his dream, wasn't it? He could do whatever he wanted.

—Actually, I am, you know? All right, well, if I'm being honest, today... I thought about you a lot.

—Really? —smiled Kai.

—Yeah, really— he nodded—, Actually, now that I think about it, maybe that's exactly why you're here —Kai let out a small chuckle, looking down at the ground—. Today... I felt something strange when I hugged you, and I think you noticed it too, even though we didn't say anything. I don't know what it was or why it felt that way, but it's something I've never felt before, and it made me think of you all day, and maybe that's why you're in my dreams now too. There's also the fact that you kept looking at me in training when you thought I wasn't seeing you.

—Maybe I was thinking about you too when I was doing it.

—Don't you dare make me think about that.

—What? —he asked laughing— Why?

—Because...it's, uh, not appropriate. My subconscious is an idiot. I don't want to have thoughts in my head that I'll be thinking about all day tomorrow, let alone that kind of thought.

—Are you telling me there's a context to the way you thought about me today?

Mason turned to meet his eyes, finding an amused expression in respons to his, about to utter a word, but taking a moment before replying.

—I'm not going to answer that, and not just because it's awkward, but because, in fact, I don't know either. And I don't think it's anything important, honestly. 

—Mmm, okay. 

—You're not supposed to ask those kinds of questions, but... I guess, try as I might, I can't control this dream, can I? I guess I'd better not talk about myself and talk about you now… You wanted to talk, right? Okay, tell me about it.

—Well... I don't know, I don't really know exactly what I want to talk about. 

—Oh, come on. I can see you've got some things to say too. 

—Yeah, I guess I do. Uh, maybe I should just start with the obvious and maybe it'll all be clearer... it's stupid, but I think... my problem is just that London tends to be a very cold city when you come from somewhere far away and no one is familiar to you —he admitted.

—Cold in the sense of lonely or do you mean the weather?

—It wouldn't be a big deal if it was about the weather —he said, with a half—smile.— Maybe it's me who tends to be more of a loner. And I don't like that now that I'm here.

—Is that how you feel? —Kai answered wordlessly again, looking more serious, despite trying to smile. He could tell that, as he had gotten the idea in the morning, this version of Kai also had a peculiar way of hiding his mannerisms behind biting his lower lip gently, and looking away. He was ready to give him an answer, but before that, he had to disregard the hint of insecurity that he still felt about talking to a stranger, even if it was in the space of his own mind in the middle of the night— You know, I think I understand, actually.

—Why?

—You don't have any family here, do you?

—No.

—I didn't have anyone when I moved here either, a few years ago, —he explained, as he went over to lean on the counter next to Kai—. You know, I'm not from London. I used to live in Portsmouth, but I couldn't stay there for long. When I came to the club's academy my parents and I had to take the train and bus  to London every weekend, for three hours. My dad put a lot of effort into it without ever telling me how much it cost, but once I was offered a real contract, I had to move to London.

—Alone?

—Sort of. My best friend moved here too, but we weren't allowed to live together. We've never been far apart, but it was hard to learn to live alone when I wasn't even eighteen. I can't imagine what it must be like to move to another country knowing absolutely no one here.

—It's lonely, very lonely. I don't have much time here, but I don't know how I'm going to cope if the first few days have been like this, —he said, with a bitter laugh and looking down at the floor—. I want to be able to... interact with other people, but it's not that easy. And at times I feel like I shouldn't be here.

—Away from home? 

—Kind of like that. I think it's not so much about home, as it is about, you know, loneliness.

—I see what you mean, —he said, looking him in the eye with a sympathetic smile—. No longer being able to relate to others the way you used to is... hard. 

—It is. I guess you understand a bit about that, don't you? 

—Yes... yes, I do. 

For a while now, whenever he went through a moment like that, all he could think about was that any problem he had overcome at some point in his life had been thanks to his parents' support, because when they were there, being the home ground he could always come back to, any other obstacle was much easier to overcome; now nothing was as bad as the things he couldn't do anything about now.

He wasn't going to tell Kai, but he wished his only sadness was also the loneliness of being away from home.

—It's been hard for me to do it like I used to, too. It feels like being a different person sometimes, but being that person against your will. That's frustrating, —Mason continued.

—Yeah. I think sometimes it's not up to you, it's up to what's around you. I guess that's the problem. There are things that aren't in your control, and even though it's the right thing to do, sometimes I wish it was just... different. I miss things and feelings that I can't even remember anymore.

—I know exactly how that feels, —he said, with a half-smile, which quickly disappeared from his face—. Sometimes, when there are significant changes, it's very difficult to feel comfortable in your own life again. That's very hard. 

—It sounds like it's been hard for you too.

—Yes, it has been —he said, sitting down on the counter next to his mate. They were both silent for a few seconds, still unsure of what to do or whether the other would continue the way the conversation was going. Finally, it was Mason himself who spoke again— And I'd say I'm not there yet, you know? It's a long process, and sometimes I'm not sure where I'm getting to with that, honestly.

—Don't help me get more depressed, —Kai smiled—. You need to talk too, don't you?

—Well, it's... complicated, as you say —he looked at him. And Kai looked at him too, but not exactly with curiosity or confusion; he just seemed sympathetic about what he was saying: it encouraged him to continue—. But, I think you're right. I do need to talk a bit.

—Tell me, we have plenty of time, —he smiled, making him laugh.

—Well... if I'm honest with you, —he sighed— I cried again today, you know? Earlier, I cried again about something that I thought wouldn't make me cry today, because it's made me cry every time for a few months now, and I thought today wouldn't be that day again. And it was. I... I guess I can't control it as much as I thought I could.

—What is it that makes you cry like that?

Kai looked at him intently, but his eyes were like a calm breeze. They weren't shocked, they weren't surprised, he didn't even feel as if he was pushing him with that look. He simply seemed to give him his full, single-minded attention, and he liked that feeling. It had been a long time since he'd spoken to a person he felt so comfortable with.

—It's... it's because of my dad. He passed away four months ago, of a heart attack. And it was very unexpected, really, very unexpected for everybody. I mean, we knew he smoked constantly, but, I mean, who doesn't? He had some problems with high cholesterol, diabetes, but he had years of it completely under control, you know? It seemed normal to all of us, and one morning it just... it happened. It just happened out of the blue, and within a couple of hours he was gone... —His voice cracked slightly—. He didn't get to say goodbye to anybody, didn't get to tell us anything. It was very sudden...

—Very... I understand, —Kai said, resting his hand on the back of his and looking him in the eyes again—. I can't imagine how hard it must have been.

Mason couldn't focus on that action as he would have hoped, but his mind had an inevitable tendency to wander from reality every time he spoke of it, every time he remembered what had hurt so much, and still hurt to keep in his mind.

—It was, and it is. Sometimes, like today, I remember it and it really, really hurts. Because it hurts me that things happened like this... —he said, looking at the floor again— I'm sorry, it's, it's difficult.

—No, it' s okay, it' s okay, you don't have to say anything else, you don't have to say anything else. I... I'm sorry, it's okay to talk as much as you need to and whatever you feel is right to talk about.

The way his eyes looked at him calmly and his hand now held his were a way of communicating that he meant what he said. Kai didn't really seem to be seeking to satisfy his own curiosity about it, but, on the contrary, to allow him to rest his emotions as soon as he had spoken enough.

He was so grateful, because his voice wouldn't have been able to go on with it.

—I don't usually talk about this much, —he said, raising his head to look up at the ceiling to make sure no tears fell from his eyes—. I haven't really wanted to talk about it with anyone, because it's hard and I don't want them to see me like this.

—We all need to get this kind of thing out at some point. You wouldn't have to hide it.

—I know, it's just... it's for myself. It shouldn't be like this, because I want to be okay.

—It's okay, you're going to be okay, it's just that it's a process that can take a while. Believe me, I understand how frustrating it is to feel this way and not be able to move forward like you want to. When you're dealing with things so suddenly, it's very difficult to have to prepare yourself after things happen, rather than before.

—What do you mean? —he asked, discreetly wiping the dampness from his eyes.

—I mean, when these things happen slowly, like when a friend tells you they're going to move or when a terminal illness is detected, you have sort of... time, to prepare for when it happens. You can get your head around it and do what you need to do to make it happen in the best possible way, but when things happen suddenly, you don't have the opportunity to do that.

—Yes. Yes, exactly.

—And I understand that... when life doesn't give you the chance to prepare, everything hurts more, because it's so unfair.

—Yes, it is, Kai. —He nodded, unsure about speaking further. His mind wasn't used to it, but the rush of emotions he was feeling at the moment urged him to get it out, and the comfort he felt around him allowed him to give himself permission to do so—. It's just that it's unfair, and... I've felt that so much. I've felt so much that it's not fair, because most people can prepare for it, whether it's because of people's age or whatever, but I couldn't do it. I never imagined it would happen, and I couldn't do anything to make him go in peace, —he said, his eyes now blurred with tears.

He paused for a moment. He wanted to continue, but he couldn't, and Kai could tell. That's why the German took the floor.

—It's unfair, Mason. It's not right that life has taken away your chance to do things the way they should have been and let your father go in peace. I'm sure he deserved something different.

—He did. He did —he lamented, his eyes on the ground again.

Without meaning to, within seconds he was once again wiping a couple of tears from his eyes. Without expecting it either, he now had Kai wrapping his arms around him as his face rested gently in the space between his shoulder and neck. He felt the need to sigh, because the air in his lungs suddenly hurt as it passed through his throat, but he didn't want to pull away, or move at all. The other's body was so thin and soft that it didn't even feel like something that could move him an inch, it was more like a blanket covering his back and arms on a cold night. He could feel his warmth, he could feel his closeness and hear his breathing next to his ear, and even though he wasn't reacting fast enough to hug him back, he rested one of his hands on Havertz's leg and Kai settled his chin on his shoulder. 

He felt himself able to take another deep breath.

He couldn't tell if that small surge of pain in his chest, which he knew would reach him, leave another mark as a witness to how much grief was still present and would go away, was overshadowing his other feelings or if, perhaps, he genuinely felt no discomfort or surprise at Kai's actions at all. Perhaps, as in any scenario generated by his mind, nothing needed to make sense, nothing was in question and everything seemed made to happen that way. Kai felt like he was made to be there, with him and next to him; holding him in that comfortable way that made him feel so calm, so confident and was so comforting, it really made him feel the pain leave his chest and throat in just a few seconds, like the pain of a wound fading much faster than usual.

—It's okay, —he heard his voice calm— I understand.

 —Thank you, Kai, —he whispered, pulling away from him slowly. He couldn't help but feel sort of embarrassed to see the look on his face again, but Kai's expression was extremely serene, even that smile of his that sought to comfort him.

—No, no, it's okay. I understand, I mean, not completely, but I know perfectly well that this kind of thing isn't as simple as just turning the page and that's it. 

—Thanks, really. You know, I don't usually talk about this anymore, because I really want to start healing, I just can't control it. I mean, I can't rush it.

—I can imagine, but you don't have to, —he said, shrugging his shoulders—, so it's a process.

—I feel like this process is going too slow. I wish I could just skip this part. 

—I wish that too, —he smiled, gently pressing the hand that had previously been on his leg—, but things aren't that simple. Missing, longing, and feeling that pain are things that stay with you for a long time before they become less heavy, but they do. 

—You say that with a lot of confidence...

—I promise you. Things grow lighter, and we all get there sooner or later.

Mason seemed to take a little longer to process those words. He affirmed them after thinking about it, accepting what Kai was proposing in that idea, including what it meant for Havertz; to get there eventually, not to stop missing, but to stop missing with an intensity that kept him awake at times when he shouldn't be. Mason wanted to be there, too.

—Easy, —he nodded, looking him in the eye—, about London... it's a bit cold, and hostile at times, but you'll get used to that and the rain in no time. There are nice things too. And some people aren't really that cold.

—I can see that. I think I might grow to like it.

Mason felt too far removed from his usual way of reacting, too numb in a different sense to even understand what that comment provoked in his emotions. His emotions, his reactions, or what the hell was going on to make his neck feel a pleasant shiver. Kai smiled back, the light behind him illuminating a part of his face that allowed him to at least take a closer look at a part of his features. His skin, the clarity of his eyes, and the way he stared at him made it impossible for Mason to take his eyes off him for what might as well have been minutes at a time, but seemed like mere seconds. He felt sleepy, and he didn't know if it was his own tiredness, the sudden relaxation he had felt, or the time of night on the clock. 

The moonlight he could see behind Kai told him the early dawn was likely, and he didn't have to do more than watch the movement of the trees in the wind carefully for Kai to turn and rest his gaze outside as well. 

He didn't count the time, didn't really care why they were doing it, but his surroundings felt frozen in a breeze of peace he didn't even think to break. 

Whole minutes passed that way, and though his hand was no longer under Kai's, the closeness of them on the surface of his  countertop made him feel as if he had to resist the force of a magnet the entire time he wasn't getting close to his mate's skin. He would occasionally glance down at his hand, studying every part of it despite not shifting his body position at all, but Kai didn't notice. He didn't seem to notice anything at all. It was as if the moonlight, the wind and the night had caught him as much as those thoughts of beauty in the view in front of him had Mason. 

Absolutely all of it: every element that made the inside of his kitchen, the guest inside it and the window on his wall, paint a beautiful scene.

It took him a few minutes, some yawns louder than the previous ones and Kai's gaze on him, to notice that, in reality, his body was asking him to go back to sleep. He didn't want to, didn't want to stop that unspoken pastime, but his eyes were beginning to feel much heavier as the minutes passed.

—I think it's time for me to go, —smiled Kai.

—No, no, no, don't worry, you don't have to...

—No, don't worry, I think it's appropriate, —he said, quietly stepping down from the spot where he had been standing the whole time. The German rearranged his own sweatshirt before approaching the entrance to the kitchen, where Mason quickly followed.

—No, really, you don't have to leave so soon, I mean, you can, you can stay longer if you need to.

—It's okay, Mason. Believe me, I'm much better, and I think you are too, —he smiled.

—Yeah, yeah, actually, I am, —he nodded, smiling before assuming a more direct expression—. I, no, I can't thank you enough, Kai. Thank you, for... talking.

—Thank you for talking, too. And thank you for letting me talk with you here for a while. It was nice.

—No, don't worry, it was very nice for me too... Just, don't feel pressured by me. No, uh, you don't have to go yet.

—Don't worry, it's time for me to go. I know it's late. I know it's late and there's training tomorrow, you have to go to sleep, —he nodded.

—And so do you —he smiled, before realising his own words. 

Before he remembered the reality of where he was. He looked at the stairs, to his left; the place where he had been hiding while trying to wake up from that dream. He remembered that this dream, as beautiful and vivid as it was, was still a dream, wasn't it? He couldn't wake up yet, but he didn't want to do it now either. 

Kai, facing him, didn't seem to guess his thoughts at all. His sympathetic face and gaze fixed on him, waiting for the rest of the words in his voice, which had been interrupted by his own thoughts.

And looking at him like that, Mason understood that Kai, that Kai, didn't seem aware of what made his smile fade, but he deserved to see it again. He could win it back in an instant.

—Have a good night, —the taller one said, walking without taking his eyes off him towards the front door. He couldn't hold the doorknob before Mount was taking his hand to stop him.

—Why don't you stay here? It's late. I have very comfortable sofas, and you could stay in my room.

I seem to be able to control this lucid dream at last.

—Mason, —he smiled—, thank you, but I don't think that's right. You've already been kind enough to let me stay here.

—No, don't worry, this isn't a favour. Seriously, I'm not being nice, I'm just saying, it's a bit late and, you said it yourself, you don't know London well.

—I'll be fine, really, you don't have to worry.

—No, of course I'm worried, —he said, meeting Kai's gaze. He had no idea how, perhaps as sometimes happened in a dream, but he knew that Havertz really didn't want to leave. He didn't want to have to—. Come on, stay.

That game between keeping their stares steady and not allowing each other to move from their position continued for only a few seconds, but the mischievous smiles and the tension that could be felt from miles away couldn't hold out any longer like that: so it took only a short time for Kai to give in and finally decide to accept the invitation.

And even though in Mason's eyes it was ridiculous everything he was doing leading him to his room, taking some of the blankets from his wardrobe for himself and arranging everything inside his room to make his guest feel comfortable, in his heart it seemed like the right thing to do, but especially, it seemed like what he wanted to do, because if this dream was his, he at least wanted to make it perfect. 

And he swore that the shy way Kai behaved around him, with discreet chuckles at his jokes, nervous movements and trying to help him bring a little more order to the place, made everything look so perfect that it was worth the time.

It was strange, and stranger the way the situation and his emotions felt as if they had been developing for a long time, as if he had known Kai for years. He didn't want to think about it too much, that feeling was normal in dreams, but still, he couldn't shake that feeling of not wanting to leave his room when everything was ready and bedtime came.

—Goodnight, Kai, —he said, leaning against his doorframe before leaving.

Kai smiled lazily. He remained lying between the covers in his bed, right in that spot where he had slept before the moment they had met in the middle of the night. Mason had given him his room and that place, including the blanket he usually used, with which the younger man now covered most of his body, except for his head and the hand he used to say goodnight to Mount. 

—Good night, Mason. Much appreciated.

—Don't worry. If you need anything in the night, just wake me up, okay?

—Sure. Thanks.

—You're welcome, —he said, smiling at him one last time— Sleep well.

—You too, —Kai said, before watching him walk through the door.

As he walked down the stairs, his eyelids grew heavier, so much so that barely being able to lie down on his couch was enough to make him fall asleep immediately.

The cool morning light came in a small ray of illumination from outside between the curtains of his living room. He tried to ignore for several minutes the constant annoyance it made on his face, but after a while he understood that it would not go away if he did not move, and if he was going to, perhaps it was a good time to get up. He rolled slightly onto his side, giving himself a scare as he nearly fell off the couch. 

Mason looked around still getting used to the daylight. The house was quiet as the morning itself; as it usually was in this weather, the birds weren't singing, the light wasn't yellowish and the sky outside looked cloudy again. It didn't bother him, but on those days when the mornings weren't warm, the floor of his flat had a way of getting cold that chilled the soles of his feet. He cursed that he hadn't brought shoes he could wear in the morning, but thought little of it as he climbed the stairs and stared at the wall beside him. Behind it, the kitchen, and in the background, the window. He remembered it all in a blur, as if it had happened years ago.

And then he came to the bedroom, where his bed lay in solitude.

It wasn't as if he was surprised. The moment he had remembered the night before, he had considered that there was nothing to expect to see when he entered his room, even though he knew that had been the place where Kai slept in his dreams. It was just that he couldn't help but feel a small sense of disappointment at the sight of the empty place. The marks that someone had been there were in the mess of the blankets, in the shape on the sheets, even in the sagging of his pillow, but he knew who they belonged to; he knew they were proof that he himself had lain there the night before, prior to that dream that was now fresh in his mind from his thoughts of getting dressed to going downstairs after going to the bathroom, walking to the kitchen and grabbing an apple that he didn't end up eating all the way through. 

He used the last few minutes at home to check his social media. He scrolled on the screen for a while, trying to distract his mind from the other side of the counter, which, although empty, reminded him of those sensations that were still as present as the short time they were there indicated. The moment he received the notification on his screen of Erin's message telling him that she would be outside his building in a minute, he wondered if telling her about his dream was worth it or if it was sort of an irrelevant thing that perhaps he should keep to himself.  

Finally, he responded with a simple ''K'', before grabbing his backpack and heading out of his flat. 

—Hey, you got here before me! —said Erin, still pulling on her club sweatshirt as she walked up to him on the street.

—You took a little longer, don't give me too much credit —he smiled.

—Yeah, that's true too, but I appreciate your effort to be on time. It's not something I see every day. 

—I suppose it is, thank you, —he acknowledged, as they started on their way to the bus—. I woke up earlier than usual today.

—Wow, any specific reason?

—Kind of. I almost fell off my couch when I woke up....

—You fell asleep on the couch? —she said, with a little laugh that in a few seconds turned into a more serious expression— Uh, I mean, well, I hope it was an accident, everything's all right, innit?

—Yeah, yeah, don't worry, it's all right, it's... it's sort of an accident, I guess.

—Hey, why are you being so mysterious today, huh? I think you want to talk to me about something, and I don't want to play guessing games, Mase, —she smiled, glancing first at the road in front of them and then at his mate, with a curious gesture.

—Uh... well, I thought a bit about whether or not to tell you, honestly... 

—Hey!

—No, I don't mean I wouldn't want to! Oh, come on, you know I trust you before anyone else, it's, it's just... it's a bit stupid. I had a dream. A very strange dream.

She looked at him, waiting for him to continue.

—So? How did it end with you sleeping on your couch?

—Well, it was very strange. Really, very, very strange. It was the kind of dream that's so vivid that it's like a memory, it's... Well, anyway: in this dream I came down from my room in the middle of the night and I saw one of the new guys in my kitchen.

—Uh, one of the new guys... I don't think you need to tell me who it is.

—Oh, come on, Erin! —he said, cocking his head to one side in protest.

—There's no reason to be ashamed of it, I'm just saying....

—I'm not ashamed of it, I didn't say that, just... just don't make it sound like that, okay? 

—Sure, okay, okay, okay. Go on.

—Okay... well, yeah, it was Havertz, okay? —Mason noticed her friend hiding a smile, but he didn't say more about it—. The point is; he was saying very strange things, you know? He was telling me that he wanted to talk to me, and he knew that I needed to talk to someone too, so we started talking. He was telling me about how he was lonely in London, and then, I don't remember how, but we started talking about... about my father's, my father's death. 

—Oh...

—Yeah, and... well, it wasn't really as strange as it sounds. I was telling him some things I've been thinking about it and... and then he said things that, honestly, I think I needed to hear —he said, shrugging—. Well, after that, he'd hug me and we'd spend some time just looking outside, from the kitchen, at that big window in my kitchen, remember? 

—Yeah, I know which one. Sounds nice.

—It was, it was, it was, it's just, here's the weird part; in my dream, I asked him to sleep over at my flat, and he agreed and fell asleep in my room, so I slept on the couch in the living room... and today I woke up on the couch in the living room.

Erin looked at him in confusion. With a quizzical gesture she looked straight ahead again, only to remain silent for a few seconds. Mason nodded his head, starting to close the jacket he was wearing. 

—Well, that's kinda weird, certainly —Erin admitted, after a few seconds—, but, I guess the dream makes a lot of sense.

—Why do you say that?

—I mean, I think that sometimes your mind knows things that even you can't express. Maybe your mind knew that there were things you needed to talk about more and maybe even things you needed to hear or tell yourself.

—Yes, that makes a lot of sense, actually... it's just a bit disconcerting. But, I think it's true that I needed to talk a bit more about some things, and to be honest with you, it was really nice. I remember in the dream I felt very understood. Actually, I felt alert to everything, I thought about a lot of things, but, mostly I felt very comfortable.

Erin smiled at those words. He knew what she was thinking, but, of all things, he also knew that the reason she was happy was nothing more than to hear any kind of comment from him about feeling good. Even about at least feeling better. He was grateful all the time that she had monitored with a smile three whole months in which no day felt better than the one before, until the last few weeks.

—I'm glad to hear that, because it was a good dream then.

—Yes, it was, actually. And it makes sense, I guess, it's just, I don't know, it seems funny to have actually woken up on the couch.

—Yeah, I must admit that's very strange, —she smiled—, but, think about it, you could have woken up in the night and gone to sleep on the couch without remembering it, or you could have stayed there in the first place. Maybe what you dreamt was going up to your room to sleep.

—Well, yes, I was actually in the living room before I went to sleep. Maybe I never moved from there to begin with. Or maybe I stayed there after I went downstairs to check for noises.

—What noises?

—I think it was part of the dream, I'm not sure about that part, but, just before I saw Kai in the kitchen, I went downstairs because I heard noises in the kitchen. I guess it was part of the dream.

—I think it was. But, hey, look, you can rest easy: there are many explanations for that, but the important thing is that it was a good dream, and not a nightmare. It's a bit curious, we must admit, but somehow it doesn't surprise me. Maybe you're starting to manifest good things.

—Manifesting'? What's that? —she laughed, at her friend's face beginning to flush.

—Uh, well... no, I don't know exactly, but Alsu uses it sometimes and I think, I think it's sort of like making things real or, I don't know, something like that.

—So... you're getting into this spiritual stuff so you can talk to her more? —He smiled. Erin, on the other hand, sighed.

—Yeah, yeah, okay? I'm doing it, but I'm also convincing myself of it a little bit, honestly. Sometimes it makes sense, you should hear her talk about horoscopes.

—Oh, god, you sound so in love, mate... 

—It really makes sense! I mean, yeah, I started getting into that stuff for her, but I think I could incorporate a little spirituality into my life.

—I mean, it's good, it's good, I think it's really good that you're doing that, it never hurts to have something to believe in.

—Yeah, exactly! Maybe you could give it a try.

—Well, I'm not promising anything. All right? But maybe if she talks to me about it one day, I'll end up liking the idea of manifesting things, like you. 

Erin punched his arm playfully.

—Well, we' re probably going out to dinner today, then maybe it would be a good time for you to get to know each other more and talk about it. Also, it might be a good time to make it clear to her that you and I aren't dating.

—Do you think she believes that?

—I'm not sure, but I definitely don't want her to believe it, so... Would you like to go out with us tonight?

—That sounds like a very strange plan, Er —he said, looking at her with an eyebrow raised as he leaned against the side of the bus stop.

—I promise it won't be weird. Besides, if you're feeling a bit uncomfortable or something, you can make up any excuse, I've got your back. I just wish I had a way to tell her to go out with me without having to make it obvious that it's a date....

—Oh, I think I get the plan. Okay, okay, I get it, —he smiled, nodding at the image of his best friend putting her palms together in front of him to ask for his help—.  Well, if that's the case, I think I can do it.

—Aw, thank you, Mase! 

—You don't have to thank me until I actually do it, —he said, earning a playful smack from Erin—. But I hope I'll have good news from you tomorrow.

—News part is promised, —she winked, fist-bumping his hands with the other, before making him alert as he caught sight of the bus they took every morning to Cobham far down the avenue.

By six o'clock in the evening, when the sun was not yet hidden behind the silhouette of the city but behind the constant, huge grey clouds in the sky, Mason could not stop replaying in his mind the thoughts that told him that, on the one hand, his concentration in training was clearly improving, keeping his coach less and less concerned about his individual performance and showing more confidence in him as he did before. However, another side warned him how difficult it could be to maintain that concentration if, in his head, his own effort was frequently interrupted by involuntary thoughts about one of his mates.

He'd been trying to avoid thinking more about what had happened that night and how strange he still felt about it all morning, had tried to remember Erin's words that morning telling him it was completely normal and that idea he'd read somewhere about how the brain sometimes randomly put people's faces on dream characters, but that hadn't stopped Mason from feeling the heat from his entire body rush to his cheeks the first moment he'd run into Kai Havertz on the training field.

Kai's nervous smile as he'd greeted him for the second day in a row in an awkward manner had been his reminder to get a little more out of his thoughts when interacting with him, and he'd tried to do so. Actually, he had succeeded, for the most part. 

It wasn't as if they had really coexisted for very long in training. While the rest of the team had continued to try to make the new players feel comfortable, Havertz had spent most of the training alongside other German speakers on the team. Perhaps out of practicality or simply out of sympathy, given that his fluency in English was pretty decent, however, Mason couldn't help but feel this curiosity to approach him; he hadn't done it enough, he had resisted it, but perhaps it was just that reason why, when he did, he behaved like seeing a distant relative again after a long time: nervous, cordial, but with a strong sense of having to demonstrate a confidence he didn't have. 

Kai, likewise, seemed to have made every effort to try to carry on the conversation with Mason as he would with any of the other boys on the team, but it might have been a little more difficult if he noticed so easily the look Mason kept on his face when he thought he wasn't watching him.  What Kai couldn't know was the reason for it; when he saw him in the distance Mason tried to guess if at some point he would turn to look at him too, or when he looked at him up close, like in that moment when they had said goodbye at the end of practice, he tried to find some particularity in his features that his mind might have noticed in his dreams as well.

—See you tomorrow, Mason.

—Yeah, see you, Kai —he said, for a brief embrace. As they separated, however, the quick exchange of a glance directly into each other's eyes was enough to make him hesitate for a moment to say anything else. Kai nodded uncomfortably, and while the rest of his mates wouldn't let him advance to the exit, the silence between the two was evident for at least a few seconds— Uh, you can call me Mase.

Mason got up the courage to speak, much to his misfortune, just as Kai picked up his backpack from the ground to leave. He'd felt a surge of heat in his cheeks that he tried to hide when the German had to stop to look at him politely again.

—Oh, uh... yes. All right, thank you, —he smiled.

—Yeah, uh, it's, it's, it's what everyone here calls me, so....

—Oh, I see, right, —he nodded politely—. Well, uh, goodbye, Mase.

—Bye, Kai.

He sighed as he watched him disappear behind the locker room door, but the feeling of wanting to bang his head against the wall made him sink it into his hands for a few seconds before he sat up to leave. He decided to take the path that led him behind the fields in order to get to the locker room used by the women's team, partly to avoid following the same path as Kai, but also to walk alone for a moment. After a few weeks in which for the first time he was beginning to feel grounded again, despite those constant relapses into sad thoughts, returning to training sessions in which he was so aware of everything he was doing was physically exhausting: at the same time, walking on the cobbled paths at the back of the club buildings, in that area where he had become accustomed to wandering a few months ago and where his walks were becoming less and less frequent, he still found peace, found tranquillity to be with his own thoughts. 

And now they were not so pessimistic, but they did keep him busy. 

Watching the blue sky, which was beginning to look darker and darker on the eastern horizon, he remembered Kai's eyes in his dreams. He remembered his compassionate, but not disdainful gaze; his warm smile, contrary to the night. Those fleeting memories flooded his mind for moments before he remembered that, in addition to being a dream, Kai was a real person he barely knew. That was what really stopped him from thinking about him in that way: how awkward it could all be.

It wasn't as if the first two days of getting to know him had already been the most comfortable, and he couldn't deny that it was likely that for the German he was probably a bit of a weird person. His nervous acting around him didn't improve that image, but he wanted to think that maybe everyone's first experiences with the new boys were like that, and maybe the next day, when he wouldn't have been dreaming about him, it could all be more normal. 

He hoped so, and in the meantime, he could clear his mind as he watched the glimmer of a few stars appear in the sky. It took only a few minutes for Erin to emerge followed by Alsu, to whom she spoke shyly.

—Hey, Mase —said her friend, with a peace sign. 

—Hey, how's it going? How was your day? 

—Good, decent day, —she replied, shrugging her shoulders— well, for me. Alsu was the best today.

Her teammate smiled timidly, denying.

—I'm getting better —she admitted. 

—Well, congratulations anyway, —Mason smiled— What are we going to celebrate with?

—Well, I was hoping we'd stick to the plan —she said, hinting with her eyes at what they'd talked about— we had.

 —Oh, right, hot wings, then?

—Uh yes, exactly! Is that okay, Alsu?

—Yes, okay, —she nodded— I have to make a phone call first, can you wait for me?

—Sure, —said Erin. She waited until she saw her teammate far enough away to turn back to Mason again and give him a look of disbelief— Hot wings? Really, Mase?

—Oh, come on, Er, you said you didn't want it to look like a date!

—Yeah, but you could have gone for something a bit different, don't you think?

—Alsu seemed quite happy with my choice, —he said, shrugging his shoulders—. I think she'll be interested in hanging out with you for a while after I'm gone....

Mason smiled, raising his eyebrows as he watched his friend laugh and shake her head at the same time. 

—I don't understand, so is that one of those places where the sun doesn't set sometimes? —Mason asked, taking a sip from his bottle before asking again— How do you know if it gets dark if you can't see the sky?

Alsu smiled, looking away for a few seconds as she recalled some of those sunsets in her hometown that were still fresh in her mind. The moonlight that night was hidden behind some clouds reminded him exactly how it was when he was there.

—It's really not as complicated as it sounds —he smiled—. The night comes, of course, but you have to pay close attention to notice if your surroundings look a little brighter or a little darker. 

—I guess it's a bit like winter here on some days —Erin commented—. Sometimes the sky here at night is pretty bright with clouds too, but I guess it's never as cloudy as it is over there.

—I think I will have to wait to see it. I miss it sometimes, it's like... magical.

—I can't imagine it. I think, if I were there, I'd be confused for a long time before I got used to not seeing darkness in the sky at night.

—I used to wake up to the sound of my alarm and the sky would be grey, and then I would go to sleep and think, how long will it be before I hear the alarm again? And the sky was still grey —she said, making the other two laugh. She met Erin's gaze for a few seconds, a moment Mason never noticed, as his mind formulated another question.

—How do you know when the night has passed?

Alsu laughed. 

—It's not that hard for me to do, I just look at my phone, —she said, showing him her screen with a smile. At the bottom of it was a picture of two hands holding hands, both with some rings on their fingers. The immediate reaction to seeing that had been felt in Mason and Erin's minds, and no words needed to be exchanged to know the reason why—. There are clocks everywhere on everyone's phones, you can, uh, see how much time has passed even if all you see in the sky are the same clouds.

—It must be pretty magical —Erin said, forcing a half-smile.

—It is. It's a relief, because I suppose it was much more difficult before, when people only had clocks at home and had to be working outside. My grandmother has told me that, when she was young, she would walk back from work and pass by the town square to see what time it was. She used to work a lot of hours, but she didn't have a watch, and so she had no idea how many hours she spent at work until she came out of work.

—Uh, what did your grandmother do for a living? If it's okay to ask.

—No problem. She worked in a... factory? That's what it's called, right? Uh, of, of wheat products. I used to go to the factory after school to wait for her, and I'd wait for her playing football with the kids of the other workers. It was a very small factory, but almost all the people in town worked there a lot of hours.

—They must all know each other very well —Mason commented.

—They do —she nodded cheerfully— They all love my grandmother very much, many reasons, but she is, she is a person with a heart and soul very pure. She's helped so many people in her life, I think... without her I wouldn't be here. She's taken care of me since I was a little girl, since my parents, uh, left? —she asked Erin, still unsure if it was the right word in English.

—Yeah, uh, you can also say ''passed away'', it's a little more appropriate. 

—Oh, okay, uh, yeah, since my parents passed away. My grandmother took care of me and she's been like my mother. When parents pass away, it's really hard to have a life without them, I don't know what I would have done if my grandmother had not been there.

—That's really nice, —Mason commented, with a smile—. I... I kind of understand you there, you know? My dad actually passed away recently —he admitted.

—Oh... oh, uh, I understand. That's not nice, I understand —she nodded, a little more serious—. I... I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to say in this situation, uh... 

—Oh, no, don't worry, don't worry, I think I understand what you mean. You can say 'I'm sorry', but don't worry, it's something I've heard enough —he said with a friendly smile. And he really meant it, especially when he knew that Alsu could relate to him in that sense.

—Okay, uh, still, I'm sorry. I know it's not that simple and sometimes it's hard when you remember.

—It's okay, I'm a little better now. Actually, I have to say that it really hit me hard last season, but at this point, I think I feel like I'm ready to move on this season. 

—I think you can do it —she said, with a smile—. Besides, there are always other people who can motivate you. Your friends, your family or the things you like. I am motivated by my grandmother. I have a picture of our hands on my phone so I feel motivated when I see her.

—Oh, —Erin said, trying to hide the surprise in her expression. Mason had also hidden the smile on his face by looking at the window behind Erin—. So... That's your grandmother in the picture?

Alsu nodded, the dull light of the room illuminating the shy expression on her face.  

—That's very sweet —Erin smiled, hesitating for a moment before adding— and... very cute.

Her teammate seemed to have noticed the intent of her words. Mason tried not to show how excited he was to realise that she had, by the way Alsu's cheeks, already usually a contrasting pink to her face, had become even more distinct. He knew Erin was looking her in the eye at the moment and would try to take advantage of the situation to perhaps decipher a little more about the state of Alsu's heart, but he knew then too that the time to leave for him had to be soon. 

—Uh, sorry, I think I have a call —he said gently, getting up from his place and going to a more distant place for a moment. 

After discreetly watching them from behind the nearby stairs for a couple of minutes, it seemed enough for him to see that, in fact, they both seemed comfortable in the conversation they were having alone. He went over to say a quick goodbye and made up a story about a friend needing his help at home so he could leave them alone.

From there to the bus, he walked calmly through the cool summer night. It was still summer, but that kind of weather was the prediction of a season that was about to end and an autumn that would soon arrive, with its strong winds and leaves falling from the trees. It reminded him that time moved on, that it was moving on, and that although in all those days it always felt like they were passing so slowly, in the end they did pass.

He was not trapped in an infinite loop, as he had felt on so many occasions lately. Every twenty—four hours could feel eternal, but he could tell by the weather that they were not, so he could also tell that things were changing around him, and eventually, he would change too.  People constantly told him that time healed people, and when time seemed to pass so slowly, it sometimes bothered him to feel that healing would take too long to come. 

He didn't want that, he longed for change, and he especially longed for those moments when he would feel again that everything was okay.  

It was a relief for him, then, to notice the temperature drop, which allowed him from inside the bus window to draw barely visible figures with the warmth of his fingers, as the journey home passed quickly and his thoughts filled the time, but not in a bad way.

His brown hair waved in the breezes that swept down the street where his building was located. Mason walked down the middle of it; there weren't usually cars passing by anyway, so his quiet footsteps echoed off the pavement with the nearby sounds of the streets. His eyes roamed the floors of flats, stopping at the one Erin and Alsu shared along with some of the other girls on the women's team. He remembered Erin looking at her teammate earlier; her smile softened by every little thing she told them about her childhood, her eyes full of sparkle, as if the other's face was the most beautiful thing she could see, the way she seemed so interested in knowing what she had to say. That was the kind of thing he could call being in love.

He opened the door to his flat, dropping his backpack by the door as he pulled off the sweatshirt he'd been wearing on his way to his kitchen.

He couldn't help but think that that feeling was something he had left in the back of his mind for many months, even before his father's passing. Thinking about that sort of thing used to be pretty irrelevant, especially when most of the girls he dated seemed more interested in how he made them feel rather than who he was as a person. Now it not only seemed like a sort of tedious thing to deal with to find a person who was different from that, but it also added an extra burden to admit that this person could perhaps also turn out to be a man.

To make matters worse, an extra obstacle in that formula was also the fact that even thinking about love had in recent months felt like disrespecting the mourning in his heart. He knew it wasn't like that, that he didn't have to be so hard on himself, but knowing that didn't stop him from feeling that way. 

He could say that he hadn't had the mind to even think about looking at someone like that, but seeing the way Erin and Alsu behaved around each other... sometimes it really made him want to feel that way again. To feel that adrenaline rush of having someone else around, that nervousness of looking into someone else's eyes.

He set the glass of orange juice he was drinking on the countertop, the white surface gleaming with the street lighting from outside and reminding him of the moonlight on that same piece of furniture he was leaning against. Memories of Kai's hand next to his in that very spot crossed his mind like flashes, and his face, his eyes, his words, his silhouette in front of the window next to him now.

Mason frowned for a moment, shaking his head afterwards. He had to get that shit out of his mind. 

A couple of hours passed after he had some bread toast with jam and tea for dinner. He also watched some videos on the screen in his living room, old concerts of his favourite artists and in between he had also taken the time to listen to some of the songs he sometimes forgot he loved. His mood had improved after that music session, and he became so calm that eventually he still found himself with the energy to, at eleven o'clock at night, stand in front of his bathroom mirror and look closely at his face as he washed it and brushed his teeth. Erin had given him a scrub a few days ago, and though he'd never taken the care to use something like that on his face before, at that moment it felt like a good time to do it for the first time.

So he waited the necessary five minutes to wash his face again, resting the product on his skin while he counted the time, guided by Pulp's Common People , which played from his phone's speaker as he picked up his brush to sing. 

For a moment, as he looked into his own eyes in the reflection, he felt that seeing himself smiling like that and in the midst of a little flash of joy was something he wouldn't have imagined just a few weeks ago, but the truth was that he had more reasons to feel happy rather than to cry that night, and he really didn't even feel like crying. 

He smiled still as he lay back on his bed and stared at the ceiling before falling asleep, having sent one last message to his best friend asking about what had happened after he'd left. Erin replied with a happy emoji surrounded by hearts, followed by "I'll tell you about it tomorrow", so he had nothing to worry about. 

He could rest, and he knew there would be good news the next day as well, but he didn't expect that just a few minutes after he'd closed his eyes, the echoing of footsteps on the floor below would immediately wake him up again.

You've got to be kidding me...

Chapter Text

He went around the staircase slowly, still trying not to make noise because part of him believed that the possibility of a break-in was still present, but another part of him, the part that didn't think of squirrels or birds, was taking refuge in an irrational, stupid, but suddenly possible glimmer of hope in which he wished he could find only one outcome.

He couldn't believe his mind as his socks stepped as quietly as possible down the stairs and close to the wall that separated them from the kitchen. And his mind knew he deserved to laugh at himself, that it was utterly ridiculous, but he felt he would find him. A face, a body, a sense of familiarity.

And there he was again.

—You again... —he spoke, voice calm and one hand leaning against the wall, but an inevitable smile forming on his face.

—Hello?

His good mood that night was not in vain; it allowed his mind, as ridiculous as it was, to feel as if a swarm of emotions were driving his thoughts and heart rate crazy. 

What the hell was he supposed to feel if Kai had flashed a wide grin to see him appear there and meet him as he, once again, swung his feet off the edge of the island in the middle of his kitchen, shrugging his shoulders... awkwardly?

—Hello —he said, rubbing his eyes again and letting out one last yawn. He knew that night was going to steal his sleep again— Uh... I guess that's not the most comfortable place to sit —he chuckled lightly. It was all so fucking ridiculous.

—Oh, I'm, I'm sorry —Kai said, getting down from his place with a smile.

—Don't worry, you can stay there if you want, I don't mind —he shrugged— To be honest, I wasn't expecting to see you again today.

—Oh... that doesn't sound good _Kai tightened his lips, using his hands to lean on the countertop behind him.

—No, no, I mean, uh, I just... I've never had this happen to me before, so it's a little strange.

—Well, I've never been to London before —he smiled, making him laugh too—. I'm sorry. I, well, it was nice last night, so I thought I might come again, but... I'm ready to leave right away if you want me to.

—Oh, no, no, no! No, not at all, stay, it's just that it's unexpected because I'm not the kind of person who usually has recurring dreams. Even with everything that's happened, I thought this was sort of a weird thing where today it would be my turn to see Thiago or Hakim giving me advice on how to handle my grief —he laughed gently—. I don't usually have the same dream twice.

—If that's what you call it...

—Cut that out, will you? Yesterday I told my best friend about what happened the night before and it took me a lot to convince her that I don't fancy you and I didn't picture you vividly in my kitchen in the middle of the night because of it.

Kai's face broke into a small smile, which was suppressed as quickly as the light allowed him to see it, and replaced with a charming way of tightening his lips and nodding.

_I'm sorry about that too. What does she think about it, though?

—Well, she' s always very concerned about my mental health, but on this occasion, surprisingly, she didn't think I was losing my mind. She said she thinks it's a good step in all this, maybe a sign, and that she likes that I'm thinking about different things lately.

—That' s good, it can help you a lot to put your mind in a different place.

—You say that like you weren't talking about yourself —he laughed.

—All right, then, I may be helping you to put your mind in a different place, maybe something more positive, by talking.

—Quite modest —he smiled—. Yeah, I guess so. Ben, my psychologist, has recommended talking to new people and generally talking about how I feel. Maybe this isn't the best way to do it, though.

—You're helping me too —Kai admitted.

—Really?

—Yes, really. Or, at least, last night was a much better night for me, and I slept very well in your bed... thank you.

—Yeah, right —he nodded sarcastically—. When you say it like that it sounds weird, by the way.

—Maybe it's just the way you think about it....

—Enough with those comments —Mason warned, with a smile—. Hey, but, one question, why the kitchen? 

—Do you want us to move somewhere else? 

—Well, if this is settled —he waved around— and we' re going to be talking for hours again tonight too, maybe it would be a good idea. I have a completely empty dining room where I take meals alone every day.

—Do you mind a companion?

—No, not at all —he smiled— Here, on this side, would you like some tea?

—Uh, sure —he nodded, cheerfully as he looked into his eyes— ...but, no milk, please.

—Oh, come on —he said, in a playful complaint that also implied fake indignation.

Then, looking at the smile his expression caused on Kai's face, the charm of the movement in which he accepted the invitation even if doing so embarrassed him for the confidence of just a few words, Mason hesitated. 

With midnight passing on the clock, the darkness of his flat, the distant sounds of the nearest big avenue he knew to perfection and reading in a millisecond the name of the brand name on his watch, things seemed like the kind of socialising he'd become completely unaccustomed to, and though his mind told him it was all completely ridiculous, his mood that night was one that had rarely been present in his life lately, and it begged him to ignore it all and just concentrate on following the path of smiles that had begun to accelerate from the moment he had walked down the stairs.

At that moment, with a sweet sensation filling his chest as his thoughts were racing, he hesitated, for at least a couple of seconds, whether he should be cautious in his movements, in his words, in his thoughts even, because it all felt just as it should feel in reality.  He wondered for a moment if it was an excerpt from his life, in which anything would have its repercussions with his new teammate, or if it was a fantasy, in which he could indulge in anything that outside of his mind he would probably never do. And even when his heart wanted to convince him to believe, it was his heart that asked him to listen to his common sense; to be carefree and lose caution and allow himself to do what he might have considered insane if he had been fully conscious: to take Kai by the hand, without meaning it, and lead him into the dining room in the dark.

—Would you rather have the light on, or are the windows enough?

—Maybe the lights will be too much and ruin your sleep for the night... but I don't want to burn myself with tea.

—Oh, will I have to teach you how to drink tea?

—No need —he laughed, giving him a sarcastic look— How about switching on the lamps in the living room? 

—How do you know there are lamps in the living room?

—Well, it's not hard to tell, they're right there —he said, pointing to the pair of dim lights that rested on small tables on each side of the couch—. I noticed them yesterday.

—Oh... Well, that's a good idea.

The lighting on both sides of the widest couch in his house was originally a dull white that didn't go with the rest of the decor, but Erin's intervention had helped get the covers replaced to turn the lighting an emerald blue. It was opaque, barely enough to fill both rooms with light, but it was comfortable enough for activities such as reading in the living room or moving between the armchairs with good visibility. Now, looking at his guest in the dining room, he could see that this colour also suited Kai very well.

—Which flavour of tea do you prefer? —Mason asked after returning to the kitchen.

—Uh... to be honest, I don't drink it very often —he admitted, to a fake disbelief from his teammate— What do you recommend?

—And you said I wasn't going to teach you about tea... Well, uh, I really have a lot of them. I like black tea, but I also have green tea, I have chai, rose, and some herbal, you can check them out if you like.

Kai hesitated for a moment, and still unsure of his choice, replied:

—Green is fine. 

—Green it is then —taking a couple of tea bags from somewhere in his cupboard. 

Truth was, he would much rather spend a little more time preparing his tea, as his mother had taught him during his childhood, but at the moment he didn't want to waste much time on that; he felt more like going to where his teammate was sitting looking outside. The clock didn't seem to be ticking as he continued to select a blue enamelled mug to offer the other and glanced at what Kai was doing from time to time.

He had that calm expression on his face, which made him look so peaceful that it even made him a little envious, while his discreet grin was visible as the branches of the trees swayed in the wind on the other side of the window.

—Well, here it is... —he said, placing the cup in front of him as he moved his own cup closer to him, on the other side of the small round table— You can add sugar if you think it's needed, I guess you prefer it sweeter.

Kai brought the tea spoon with some of it to his mouth and made a surprised gesture.

—Is that good or bad? —Mason questioned.

—It's hot —he said laughing—, but I think the flavour is perfect. I don't know if it's OK for me to use the spoon to taste it or if that's wrong according to the British —he said, causing his mate to chuckle. Mason shook his head, tasting his tea with the spoon as well.

—Well, of course there are rules, but forget that entirely. The important thing is whether you like the taste and enjoy it. How do they drink tea in Germany?

—Well, I don't know how all of Germany does it, but in the village I come from we didn't use to drink tea, I think we prefer milk. It's supposed to be a very good one or something like that.

—Oh, wow... Where is your... village? Is it okay to call it that?

—Yeah... now that I remember, it's actually sort of a secret —said Kai, looking outside for a moment. 

—What? —Mason grinned.

—Well, it's just that I don't usually talk about where I actually lived. I mean, I always say I'm from Aachen, but, I didn't really live in the city, uh... I, I'm actually from a very small village in the north of Aachen. The house I used to live in is actually next to the Hürtgen forest and it's, it's more sort of like a farm... —he admitted, looking at him fearfully with a half smile.

—Uh... okay. I guess I still don't understand exactly what the problem is —Mason shrugged, looking at him carefully— Why was that a secret?

—Well, it's kind of hard for me to tell that to my teammates usually because... I don't know how you imagine a farm, but, well... —he said, with some difficulty— my family didn't have a lot of money, you know? So, you know, actually most guys on football teams come from big cities or places where there's a lot of people and... well, I think sometimes there are habits or stuff that make me look like... — he sighed — I don't know, just...

—Like a small town boy?

—Yeah... yeah, exactly. And I don't like that.

—You didn't like your life where you lived?

—No, no, of course I liked it. —No, no, of course I liked it. Actually... I loved living there —he smiled slightly, as he seemed to go over his own memories. At times like that, when he looked out the window that way, Kai would appear as if in his eyes he could live it all over again—. It's not so much about me, as it is... about how other people see it. I think... I remember not having good experiences after talking about it and that's why it's kind of a secret.

—Oh, um, I think I understand... I can imagine it's difficult, uh, a lot of people can be very mean when you talk to them about things that they're prejudiced about or don't understand. I guess people might underestimate people for that and... 

— ...make you feel isolated.

—Yeah... I imagine so —he nodded, trying to meet Kai's gaze which was now fixed on the surface of the table—. Hey, uh, you don't have to talk about it if you don't feel comfortable with it, Kai, really. You can talk to me about it all you want, but only as long as you're comfortable with it, right?

—Yeah, it's okay, no, I'm not uncomfortable, uh, actually... I think you make me comfortable —he said, nodding without taking his eyes off the table. Mason felt lucky that he didn't, otherwise he might have noticed the way those words had made him feel the flush of heat in his cheeks, even if the only thing Kai was stating was something as basic as being comfortable—. It's fine, it's just... it's a little difficult to remember those things.

—Oh, yeah, I, I, I totally understand, you can take your time. Uh... and, I just want to say that I think it's important to know that you liked life there. I mean, it sounds nice and I think that's the most important thing. 

—It was. My parents' farm was our house, it was sort of small and, well, nothing fancy, but it was what my parents could afford at the time. It was actually comfortable as a kid and we had all kinds of animals there, especially lots of rabbits —he smiled— we even had a horse that we would take to the forest sometimes. 

—I guess you like animals then.

—Yes, I like them a lot —he nodded, sipping his tea. He added a little more sugar, to which Mason couldn't help but smile— Do you like them?

—Yes, I like them too. Dogs are my favourite. My brothers and I used to have one when we were kids, but now he lives with my sister. I've never had one since I moved to London, so I'd really like to get one someday. Well, I mean, who wouldn't? —he smiled, to which the other agreed— What was your favourite animal back home?

Kai seemed hesitant to answer that question, when he laughed at the memory. Mason was about to drink from his cup as well, but his curiosity had been sparked by that reaction. 

—Why the smile?

— It's kind of a long story —he said, tilting his head to one side as he looked at him. Mason responded to that by glancing at him and asking him to continue. Kai sighed— I think you're going to laugh a little bit at this, but, well, when I was a kid, my parents gave me a stuffed donkey, so I started to really like donkeys and then... well, then I found out that some places treat them really badly, and we were able to rescue four of them on the farm. Then they became my favourite animals....

—Oh, wow —he said, with a look of surprise. He had nothing in mind to say, but he had certainly expected a much shorter answer—. I've never really met a person whose favourite animal was donkeys before, —he smiled, shrugging his shoulders— but it's very sweet that it was a toy that made you start loving them. That was a sweet answer, actually.

—Well, thank you... I'm glad you don't think that I' m some kind of little farm boy in the city —he laughed.

—No, come on, Kai —he said kindly— I don't think anyone should think that, and if that was who you actually were, it shouldn't be a problem either, you know? Besides... I really like knowing things about you —he nodded. His mind decided to automatically ignore questioning where his brain was getting all the information that he was receiving.

—Maybe I'm talking too much about myself, right? —he said apologetically—. Maybe it's too much small town boy for today.

—Oh, come on, you heard me talk too much yesterday about how I feel about my father, and you didn't have any complaints about too much mourning —he said with a half smile. Kai laughed lightly, but shook his head as well—. I hope I'm not burdening you with being the eternal mourning boy, it seems. My friends must be fed up, so, I hope you can bear with me, I swear I'm getting better.

—I hope I'm helping you have a better time, at least for a little while. 

They looked into each other's eyes, and even though that simple silence they were maintaining made Mason feel like he was about to stop breathing, he wouldn't take his eyes off of him, even as he drank from his cup of tea to try and relax. Soon Kai mimicked him, still waiting for a response from him; it seemed those blue eyes had made him forget that he still had to at least respond to that comment.

—Uh, yeah, um, actually you are, you really are... and thank you for that. Really, you don't know how much I needed to talk about it, or do it at least a little more.

Kai rested a curious glance on the white porcelain cup Mason held in his hands, shy to ask:

—Did you talk about it when... it happened?

—You know? It's funny because, actually, I did, and I did a lot, it's just that, for some reason, it didn't work out the way I wanted it to. People always say that expressing your feelings is the way to heal but, well, I've been in therapy every week for almost four months now talking about it and I still feel like the pain hasn't gone away, nor the feeling that I don't want to let it go —he said with a nostalgic tone, while leaning his head on one of his hands.

—Do you miss him?  —he asked calmly.

—Every day of my life, Kai. Getting used to the idea of letting go of someone so important and so present in your life really is one of the hardest things in life. It's not like quitting a job or ending a relationship; those are choices you make or agreements you make, where both sides know they have to part ways for their own good, but the death of someone isn't something that anyone wants. It's something that happens and you can't do anything about it, it's basically a unilateral decision by... something or someone that we are simply forced to accept. That's not fair, and so it doesn't feel like resignation is the right thing to do.

—Would you like to talk about it? —he proposed, taking another sip of his tea.

Mason actually hesitated about it. A common sense reaction told him he shouldn't; they'd already talked about it the night before, he'd already talked to all his friends about it, and while taking a friend as a therapist he'd talked tirelessly to Ben about his grief, he'd talked to Jack too much about it too. What else did he have to say about it? What hadn't he repeated? Why should a person he'd barely known have to put up with that?

And then he remembered.  

That wasn't reality. It wasn't really happening. It felt real, it looked real, it was beautiful, but he could admit that because it was, after all, a dream. And of course, if that was his dream, he had nothing to worry about, just like when he'd taken his hand without even hesitating earlier.

So Mason got up the courage to speak again on the subject that he had probably already run out of words with everyone he knew and in Ben's office. 

He talked about the unfairness of it. He talked about not understanding why it happened, and the frustration of not knowing at what point his father's fate had been sealed; how, despite the diabetes, things had seemed completely normal after a couple of scares years ago, and how he had come to think about what he would do the day either of his parents passed away, even thinking about it a few weeks before their passing, never imagining that moment could be so close. He told him how much it hurt, especially, to realise that nothing could be done against the decisions of death; because with situations like that, you couldn't negotiate. 

And though he often unwittingly thought for hours about all the things he could have done to prevent it from happening, the things he would have to do to get used to living without him, or what he might have offered in exchange for a miracle, none of that changed the reality. The reality was that whether his father lived or not would never be and had never been in his hands. It would have never been his choice, but that of some force or some being that he could never convince to go back on his decision. Thinking so much about it, about ways to have solved it all, always ended in the same conclusion: it was useless, and he only wasted his limited energy on it.

After his father's death, Mason thought much more frequently about death itself. About that process that happened for everyone anyway. The one that everyone always experienced at some point in their lives, whether it was their own or someone else's death: somehow, what seemed like the most horrible event he had ever had to live through, was something that many people around him had learned to overcome, to accept, to resign themselves to. Resignation was the kind of thing that annoyed so much of the sense of justice in his heart... How could he resign himself to such an injustice? How could he do so when the circumstances had been so inadequate? When everything had seemed to be going so well, when his father was supposed to see him play in an international competition for the first time that year by qualifying with the team, when they had planned a trip to the Caribbean in winter, when his little niece was growing up and getting to know her grandfather in full consciousness, how could he be resigned to all that being lost from one moment to the next? How could he accept a unilateral decision so unjust and so big?

His father's death, all around it, had taken up his entire summer. That time he would have taken to rest before returning to the field the following season, that would have cleared his head, but instead he had ended up turning the television so loud that he couldn't hear his thoughts, wishing the days would end so that his mind could go unconscious for a while, remembering his grief in everything around him: every night of May, June and July had been spent in a spiral of thoughts that he hated to have, that hurt, that he had to let go, but it had hurt so much to be alone that he just wished he could move on from it, wished he never had to feel such intense pain in his chest again, because it was really scary how much pain loss could bring. 

And then he told Kai that he had recently started to enjoy some things again. He had welcomed Erin and her roommates some nights to play Uno until late, he had started laughing again at those times, or while watching TV shows, he had stopped overthinking about what would have happened while listening to music on the bus home, he had even woken up in a good mood a couple of days: he told him that one of those happy days was happening right now, because his best friend was on a date with the person she was in love with and that made him feel happy, because he had also had fun with them that afternoon. Kai smiled to hear him talk like that, and even though his tea cup had been empty for a few minutes, he didn't seem to think at all about moving from his place as he listened to Mason talk and let out comments and questions from time to time.

—Do you know a story called Appointment in Samarra? —Kai asked suddenly, helping him wash the two cups after hearing him talk about how much he'd enjoyed that tea with him.

—I don't think so —he said, carefully wiping the excess of water from the cups— What's it about?

—Well, it's an old and very short story in which... basically, a servant meets Death in Baghdad, so he asks his master for a horse to flee from Death and go to Samarra; the master then meets Death and asks why he scared his servant, and Death replies that he didn't mean to scare him, but that he was surprised to see him there because he had an appointment with him in Samarra that day.

Mason put down the pair of porcelain pieces he had previously held in his hands, and though he had taken care to place them as carefully as possible in the special place where he reserved them for such occasions, he looked back at Kai with a face that combined uncertainty and surprise.

—God... I got chills, honestly —he admitted, looking him in the eye. Kai laughed as he too did at that comment.

—Well, it's a little creepy, but that's not the point. What you're thinking about reminded me of that story, because it seems to me that the moral is that, in the end, there are things that just aren't in our control, and maybe thinking about them more than we should just ends up making things worse instead of what would happen if they just... ran their course. 

Mason thought about it, meeting Kai's sympathetic gaze. The taller man even looked a little apologetic as he proposed the idea, but Mason knew exactly what he was referring to, because he thought about it himself at times.

When those thoughts ran around in his head for too long and the more painful ideas grew tired of weighing him down, sometimes that idea would magically appear in his mind.

—Let them take their course... —he repeated. He nodded slowly, staring into nothingness as he did so— Yes... it's true.

—I know it's not as easy as it sounds.

—It's not, actually. It's almost harder to just let things go than it is to do anything... I guess I'm actually still afraid of living a life after this loss. A life without him and what it's going to be like. 

—But now you've remembered the times when you're happy, right? On days when you're smiling, li...

—... Like today —he completed, smiling as he looked at Kai. They stood in silence for a few seconds, simply meeting each other's gaze with ideas impossible to explain, until Mason spoke again—. Yeah... I've been having those days again lately.

—Well, then you know what it's going to be like living that life after him. There's gonna be good days too, and you're gonna be able to be happy again. Nothing's going to happen to you, you know? —he said, with a small, but sincere smile.

The older man's hopeful eyes were drawn like waves to the sea by the other's, and that was why he couldn't take his eyes off him as, in his mind, those words sounded like an idea he'd never heard or even imagined before. 

—I don't understand why I forget that so often.

And Havertz was right. It was hard for him to accept the idea that he couldn't remember something so obvious all the time; he was healthy, his family was healthy, and even though his mental health had been sailing in a storm the last few months, he was still under the supervision of Jack and Ben (who was not only the best therapist he knew, but also one of his best friends). If he regained his level, his salary would only increase. Actually, if he thought about it, it was practically a fact that he was going to be fine.

How was it that it could only have been put into words until Kai had told him?

—You will be okay, Mase —Kai smiled.

—Yes.. —he nodded, and though he looked down at the ground, it wasn't because he doubted it, but because something in that moment, having heard those words, felt like it was all fitting for it to happen that way —Thanks, Kai.

It didn't take more than looking into his eyes for the older man to know that reaching out and pulling him into his arms was also something that had to happen, that it felt like following a script perfectly written by some entity bigger than them. Holding him even tighter was like an impulse that neither of them controlled; no words, no apologies, no need to explain anything at all. It was simply what felt right to do.

The moon faintly illuminated the edges of the countertop under the cupboard, where they both leaned one side of their bodies as they faced each other, feeling the other's chest next to theirs, hearts beating through the fabric. Mason's eyes remained closed, he didn't know how long he wanted to stay that way with him, but he knew that the hug felt so right that maybe it was the exact counterpart of what all those things that were happening that he refused to accept were making him feel. Now, in that moment, where small blinks allowed him to see the blurred image of the kitchen, the dark blue sky and the texture of Kai's clothes, time was shortening at the mercy of his mind, and what might have been minutes became a quick flash in his mind, where the beating of his heart made him feel the adrenaline of running a marathon and the calm of a body that caused him the need to hold the taller man's sweatshirt between his palms. 

They didn't worry about how much time they spent in that long hug, because the clock didn't seem to be ticking that night, just as it had the night before, so as soon as they pulled away, shy glances distracted them from those feelings, which Mason swore he could sense even in the air, with a conversation in which the topics became more cheerful. Together to Mason's room, they sat on the edge of the bed and talked about their childhoods, Kai telling him about his pets, the four donkeys that lived in his backyard, and the dog he once wanted to adopt, since he was hesitant to get a donkey in London.

While Mason assured him there would be some way to get one, preparing the bed Kai would be staying in again inevitably raised the doubt he hadn't wanted to mention:

—... Fine, but if we're going to make it at some point, you have to tell me what your favourite donkey looks like at home —Mason joked, once he'd thrown an extra blanket he'd brought to sleep in the living room onto the bed.

 —I don't have a favourite, obviously— he smiled. They're all like my kids, so... I think if I had to describe one it would be the first one we rescued.

—What did it look like?

—Well, he was dark brown with some white parts on his face. He was a bit smaller than the rest, his eyes were very big and his ears were always perked up. His name was Ruhe, that was his name.

—Ruhe?

—It means quiet in German. He was a very quiet donkey, he made little noise and was shy with people, because his owners didn't treat him very well, but now he loves my family. He's still alive, by the way —he smiled.

Mason did too, taking the blanket from the bed and looking over to where Kai was sitting on the other side of it. He thought he looked too adorable talking like that.

—I'm glad about that, I hope to meet him someday —he nodded quietly— Hey, uh, Kai...

—Hm?

—I have to go to sleep now, I have to see Erin early tomorrow for training, but.... —sighed, glancing at his bedroom window before looking back at his mate— Hey...You're going to disappear again, right? I mean, this dream, this is really nice, but... tomorrow when I wake up, you'll have disappeared again, won't you?

Kai didn't answer, and though he seemed uncomfortable with the question, he simply laughed, as if the whole question was a crazy thing coming from his lips.

—Well, thank you for calling me ''a dream'' again —he smiled.

—Yeah... sure —he smiled too—. Sweet dreams, Kai.

He got the same response from Havertz, before he turned off the light in the room.

He awoke in the morning with surprising ease. Although he knew that he probably hadn't slept as much as he should have, he could admit, by the time he had opened his eyes in the morning, that he didn't feel at all the tiredness that must have come with it. 

He didn't even pay attention to the fact that he had woken up on the living room couch: he got up, taking back the huge blanket he had covered himself with during the night and carrying it under his arm upstairs, after having drunk some water from the kitchen. And although it was exactly what he expected, he couldn't help but sigh as he entered his room and found his bed empty again; the sheets were untied, the pillow in a different position, but the flat was completely silent except for the noise caused by himself. He was alone, exactly as he expected, but that didn't stop him from remembering the memories of his dreams. 

That still haunted his thoughts as he stepped out onto the street around eight in the morning to meet Erin. She was waiting for him with one hand on her waist and the other holding her phone; he barely managed to hear the end of her conversation:

—So, you okay? I have to go now, Mason's here —she smiled. Mount gestured to ask who she was talking to, before greeting loudly. 

—Hi, Alsu!

—Hello, Mason! —he heard on the other end of the line, before she continued talking to his best friend in a quieter voice.

—Well, I'm glad everything's okay and... I hope you are doing well in your class, I'll... uh, I'll... see you at training —she smiled—. Yeah, okay, I'll see you in a bit.

As soon as she ended the call, she had to turn around to face the mocking face of her friend.

—See you in a bit'? Not even 'love ya'?

—I didn't, I didn't think about it —she said, rolling her eyes to start walking— Besides, I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, okay?

—Well, fine. I think it's acceptable if I can find out how everything went last night —Mason looked at her with a raised eyebrow, obtaining a face of fake seriousness and then getting a smile on Erin's face.

—Well, you're the only one I'd give that privilege, so... —she smiled, walking with her hands in her pockets—. Let's just say it came out as the best of the scenarios I was expecting.

—What the hell does that mean, Er? Did you two kiss?

—Don't be silly —she laughed— No, we didn't, but it went well, really. She's... fucking cute, Mase. Last night I couldn't even understand how her face is so cute and cuddly and, shit, she just smiled a lot last night.

—Did she smile or did you make her smile?

—I hope it was the latter —she giggled, sighing afterwards—. Well, for the most part, we just ate wings for the rest of the night, she kept telling me about her life, about her childhood and her grandmother, I talked to her about the same thing, basically, but, moving on to the important stuff... we talked about having a family.

—Oh, good news or bad news?

—I wouldn't tell you this with a smile, you idiot —she laughed—. She told me that it's not a priority for her, and that she's more interested in being able to focus on football and maybe find a partner along the way. I know, I know, it's kind of a good answer, but the important thing is that at no point did she mention anything about a boyfriend. She just said 'a partner'. You know the most important thing about that? I know that in her English classes she learned how to say "boyfriend". 

—And yet, she didn't say it...

—Exactly, Mase!

The smile they shared as they walked was complemented by an excitement filled hug by the time they reached the place where they would catch the bus. 

—Er, that's amazing! Hey, I think she might have even said that on purpose, since she was with you; that means she wants you to know that this 'partner' doesn't have to be of a particular gender, that's a great sign!

—I know, I know —she smiled, tucking her hair behind her ear— but, hey, I don't want to get too excited either, okay? I mean, I think that was the intention, but I also want to keep the possibility that it doesn't really mean anything, that... that's possible too, and you know I want to be cautious with it.

—Yes —he admitted, nodding as he looked at the ground and set his backpack on his shoulder—, yes, you're right. It's best to take it easy, but, hey, that doesn't stop us from celebrating a bit —he smiled, jokingly continuing—. That won't take away our title as the Most Afraid of Love Persons in the entire UK.

She smiled too, kicking a small rock towards the pavement.

—Well, Sergeant Pepper, maybe we're still the Lonely Hearts Club Band —she joked as well. He took the moment to sit on the long empty bench behind him, contemplating for a few seconds the speed at which cars were passing down the avenue at that hour. London might be a city full of traffic, but luckily, the place where they lived wasn't that busy; sometimes it even seemed like a small town at the right time of the morning or evening—... But, hey, I think you have some stuff to tell me, too, and I hope it's what I hope it is. The message you sent me in the morning made me think of a lot of possibilities.

—Oh, yeah, uh... Hey, did you have breakfast at home? I was thinking we could have breakfast at Cobham. It's been a long time since we've done that and I didn't have any breakfast...

—Don't digress, Mase, you're terrible at faking —she said with a smile, which continued on his face as she went on —And no, you'll have breakfast there, with your new teammates. Do you have anything to say about them?

Mason sighed.

—Well, I think it' s probably just what you're thinking —he said, scratching the back of his neck—. I dreamt about Kai again today.

Erin's face immediately lit up. While she wasn't able to say all she had to say about it at the moment, since the bus appeared around the corner, she kept that excited expression on her face as she got on the bus and even as, sitting down next to her, Mason began to tell her about everything that had happened that night: from the moment he'd heard the noises downstairs, to sitting and talking to him for what seemed like hours in the dining room next to the living room, to remembering perfectly how he'd too carefully selected the cups to use for the tea he'd poured for both of them. Of course, he had also remembered cleaning those cups with him after using them and that deep conversation he had had with the Kai of his dreams.

—Did you talk about your father again? 

—Uh, yeah... —he admitted* I know what you're thinking, okay? But I want to tell you that, really, I'm fine. I know this all sounds like I'm still in a really bad place, but seriously, I'm getting better, and I don't understand why I'm having these dreams, because I really feel much better, I feel good, I mean, just yesterday I came home with a smile on my face, something that hasn't happened in a long time.

—I don't doubt it, I really believe you, but, well, in these dreams do you talk to him about things you've already talked about in therapy?

—Yes —he nodded, lifting his shoulders to play it down.— I mean, maybe it's just a bit of rehashing some things that I don't quite assimilate, but in my dreams it happens in a very calm way, it gives me peace.

—Well, there you go —she smiled— I guess there's nothing wrong with it if it makes you feel good, maybe it's just things that your own mind wants to remind you of, that's a good sign. But, on the other hand... Hey, I think it's still a bit curious that the one who shows up in all those dreams is that new German guy... —she said, nudging him lightly with his shoulder. Mason rolled his eyes, not quite able to avoid the red in his cheeks.

—Er, I have no idea why that's happening, okay? I'm serious, I've only met him a couple of times and...

—He's attractive, apparently...

—Oh, come on, I wouldn't say he's super attractive, he's just a white guy like any other. I mean, his eyes are nice and... uh, well, his hair looks great too, but... —he paused, noticing the mischievous look Erin was giving him— I don't know, I've only met him a couple of times and I'm not ready to think of anyone that way... let alone a guy —he admitted, in a slightly lower voice—. I'd rather say my mind is playing tricks on me.

—Well, if that's what you call it —the blonde shrugged, looking straight ahead as she picked another song on her phone. 

She offered Mason one of the earphones, and while he didn't make an effort to look at her sarcastically when Friday, I'm In Love started playing, he didn't really want to change the song either. 

They arrived at Chelsea Football Club's facilities still listening to Erin's choice of music; having grown up together for so long they knew their musical tastes were very similar anyway, so listening to music together was always enjoyable. Once across the entrance, Erin headed off with the rest of her mates to chill in the locker room; the hour would still allow them to hang out with the rest of their teammates for a while, but it was true that Mason was feeling his stomach empty.

He made his way to the club's canteen; when they didn't have breakfast at home or at the end of training, the players usually had a special menu available in the club's canteen, which they also used for team dinners at other times.

—Hey, good morning —he said to the rest of his teammates as he came to sit down at the table. 

It wasn't common for many to have breakfast at the club, but usually new players, especially from other countries, didn't have such an orderly routine when they arrived in the city, so it was normal to see them there during their first months in the club. 

In the other seats next to him were Reece James, Edouard Mendy, Andreas Christensen, Timo Werner and, next to Timo and in front of him, Kai Havertz. He didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, reminding him of their last interaction the day before, so he began to eat what he had put on his plate, barely paying attention to the conversation of the rest.

In reality, his attention was more on trying to act as normal as he could, and though he was beginning to suspect that thinking about it was only achieving the opposite effect, he still tried to look completely normal at Kai whenever their gazes met by accident. The rest of them were talking about London, and without meaning to, he remembered in a second the things he had heard in his dreams from Kai about his previous home. He hadn't really wondered at any point where Kai had really come from, or even his previous team, but he had been so consumed with his own problems that his team's new transfers over the summer hadn't really been relevant to him.

In his own mind, Mason was thinking about whether he remembered the moment he'd heard about his new teammates joining the club when his eyes fell on the side of the backpack that Kai kept hanging from his chair: there, dangling from one of its larger clasps, was a small vinyl keychain with a picture of a donkey on it. His eyes opened and he felt the tiredness leave his body in a second. 

The ears, the figure, the scale; there was no way that was a horse or any other animal, but what surprised him wasn't that it was an animal that Kai liked a lot, but that he already knew that.

—Uh, Kai, is that your backpack? —he asked, still confused.

—The one that's hanging? Yes, it is —Kai said as he turned to look at it, distracting himself for a second from the conversation the others were having.

He'd barely exchanged words with Kai, in two days he'd barely spoken to him and never more than a greeting. He had no way of knowing that.

—Oh, cool, uh, I just... I like your, your keychain —he said, not thinking too hard as he pointed it out.

—Ah, that —Kai said. He seemed more embarrassed by it than he expected, but he didn't try to hide it. He glanced at the backpack behind him and touched the item for a second, before looking at Mason again—. Uh, thanks, it was, it was a gift from my mum.

—Oh, I see. Well, it looks cool, yeah, it was in your backpack yesterday, wasn't it?  —Kai nodded, without a specific expression— Oh, okay.

It had to be that, right? It had to be that, he must have seen it without paying too much attention to it.

Still, curiosity simply hadn't been that easy to stop.

—Hey, Kai, sorry to ask again, but you like donkeys, right?

—Oh, yeah, well, yeah, they're kind of my favourite animal —he admitted—. I've got some pictures on Instagram with some of them, have you seen them?

He was sure of one thing; he'd never seen his Instagram, he didn't even know what his username was, not even now that he was his teammate.  

—Uh, no, I, I just assumed because of your keychain, but, that's cool, yeah... Well, I guess you liked them as a kid too.

Kai looked at him in a suspicious way, but one that he simply couldn't decipher.

—Yes... actually, yes. In Germany my parents have some on... a farm.

—Cool. Well, they must have plenty of room, I suppose —he said, taking a sip from the glass of juice in front of him— Or aren't there a lot of them?

—Uh, well, there's only four —he smiled, looking him straight in the eye.

Mason had never felt so eager to speak and so few words in his mouth to do so, but Kai's look was killing him, not having the slightest idea of what he was trying to express with the gestures on his face, and if those eyes seemed so revealing to him, he couldn't understand why at that moment he felt like being in front of a jigsaw puzzle of invisible pieces.

—Cool —was the only thing that came out of his lips after a few seconds. He swallowed before continuing with his breakfast.

The conversation next to them went on and the laughter of his mates suddenly overshadowed even his own thoughts. One of them had asked a question for Kai and he answered, thus joining the chatter again with the rest. He, of course, could not do so easily.

 It took him several seconds to be able to return the food to his mouth, though his mind was still thinking of one thing and that was the conversation he had had earlier that night in his kitchen with Kai.

He paid no attention to the rest of his teammates' conversation, nor to his food, and even having him in front of him, he didn't focus on Kai or avoiding the curious look the German was giving him every now and then. Mason was dying to know what the hell was going through his mind.

He couldn't wait any longer once everyone had finished their meal and got up from the table. He had to rush to put his plate down so he could catch up with his new teammate once everyone else started to leave for the locker room to get ready for training. He made his way over to where Kai was.

—Hey, Kai —he said, approaching him and touching his shoulder to stop him. He removed his hand from the spot once Havertz looked at him; he was too close—. Uh, hey, this might be a really fucking weird question but... by any chance, is one of the donkeys on your farm named Ruhe?

Kai looked at him with a raised eyebrow. He nodded after a second.

—Yeah, there is one called Ruhe... What, are you, some kind of a diviner or something? —he said with a small laugh.

His mind simply couldn't focus enough to come up with an answer to that, he simply didn't have enough capacity to think at the moment to formulate an irony that would keep his puzzled face from being so obvious. He was dizzy, but he didn't have enough time to answer before Kai gave him a smile and slung his backpack over his shoulder, starting to walk to where the rest of them were, heading for the locker room.

And maybe he was hallucinating, but he could swear that was the same damn smile Kai had given him before going to sleep last night. The same damn smile. 

Chapter Text

He couldn't think about anything else for the rest of the day, and as good as that might sound to someone like Ben or Erin, for him it wasn't exactly the way he would have wanted to spend his thoughts.

He wouldn't say he stopped paying attention to practice; he didn't, he tried to focus as much as he should on following instructions, listening and playing smart during the time they did play football at the end of practice. The only thing different was what happened in his mind every time he had a water break or had to wait his turn to kick the ball into the goal: his mind focused again on wondering how the hell he had come to know those things he knew about Kai. It was too specific, and yes, he might have known about his interest in donkeys, he might have inadvertently seen his keychain and not remembered it, but in what possible situation could he have known that one of his donkeys was called Ruhe? How could that have been possible? Hell, he didn't even know enough of a damn word in German to have known that word specifically, and he was so sure of its meaning that after training he had run as fast as he could to his locker in the dressing rooms to get his phone out of his backpack and verify in a translator that, as he somehow knew, that word meant quiet.

He stood by the wall as he did so, his forearm resting on the wall and his forehead on it as he watched and read the translation over and over again on his screen. He was sure that if he kept on like that his head would start to ache, and anyway, despite that familiar look he'd given him before the training, Kai didn't seem the least bit taken aback by what had happened.

He had looked at him not as surprised as Mason would have reacted in his place, rather, as if it was something extremely funny, and Mason wondered if he was too paranoid to think that was unusual or if there was something really strange going on. 

Approaching him to say goodbye was even stranger; he was surrounded by the rest of his mates and although he tried to give everyone the same treatment, maybe it had been too obvious the way talking to Kai felt like avoiding a lot of questions he wanted to ask him.

—Uh, well, Kai, I think I have to go now. You're not leaving anytime soon, too, are you?

—No, Timo and I are going to stay and talk things over with our agent,—he nodded.

—Oh, I see, I think I heard him mention something about that... Uh, well, I'll see you tomorrow then? —he said, bumping their fists awkwardly. He knew no one was paying special attention to them, but it felt like any slip up would be noticeable to everyone.

—Uh, sure —the taller one nodded, shaking his head slightly. Shit, had he been staring at Kai while he was talking or what? Now Mason suddenly felt a lot more nervous and a lot more transparent under his gaze. Kai smiled kindly.

—Yeah... uh, bye.

—Goodbye, wizard, —he said teasingly.

What else could he do but pretend to laugh in a casual way? 

He then hurried off towards getting out of the place and out of Cobham. He didn't even stop to look around him or up at the sky, as he normally did. He knew Erin had left earlier and was no longer around , she had mentioned something about hanging out with some of the other girls, but he needed to at least talk to someone and he needed it soon. 

He brought his phone to his ear after walking through the front door of the club and hurrying towards the bus stop, his palm sweating as he held it and his other hand clenching one of the straps of his backpack. His breathing tried to relax during the three tones it took Erin to answer his call:

—Mase? What's wrong? Are you okay?

—Hello, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I am, I guess, uh, it's, it's just, something happened and I really need to talk about it, I really do.

—Is everything okay? —Are you okay? You're in a safe place, right?

—Yeah, yeah, easy, it's not about that, no, it's, it's, it's just... —sigh— Are you busy?

—Well, I'm not at home, but you know it's not a problem for me to listen to you if you need it, you're my best friend.

—No, no, don't worry, it's nothing serious, the girls are waiting for you, right?

—Well, yeah, we're going to the movies, so... —she answered, before whispering— Alsu is coming with us.

—Oh, uh, I see... uh, can I talk to you about something real quick?

—You know you can, Mase, —she smiled.

—It's just that... Listen, something very strange happened, remember my dream? The one I told you about this morning.

—Yeah, how could I not remember it?

—Well, listen; I didn't exactly tell you about all the things I talked to Kai about in my dream. Before you say it, no, it wasn't that kind of stuff, —he clarified, after hearing a discreet chuckle from his friend through the phone—, it was about our childhood and that kind of stuff, the point is: in my dream, Kai told me that in his childhood he lived on a farm with animals.

—Uh, well that sounds wild.

—I know, I know, but the important thing is that... —he sighed,— Kai told me that his favourite animals were donkeys, that on the farm they had four donkeys and one of them, his favourite, was called Ruhe.

—Uh, okay, that's a bit...

—Too specific. It's too specific, I know, but, more importantly, today at breakfast, he was in front of me and in his fucking backpack he had a fucking keychain with a donkey on it.

—Well, assuming that's the cause of this call, listen, Mase, come on; you could have seen it by accident before and not remembered it, sometimes the mind does that sort of thing and.... 

—Erin, that's not all; I asked Kai about the damn keychain and he said it's his favourite animal, and you know what? He told me his parents in Germany have four fucking donkeys on a fucking farm! —he said, almost shouting into his phone despite trying to keep his voice down. He was lucky that all he met around him was the surprised look of an old woman at the bus stop and the curiosity of a young man crossing the street— And you won't believe the name of one of those donkeys...

—Oh, no... Rue?

—Ru- he ! It's called Ruhe! Ruhe is a fucking German word that means "quiet" and I've never heard of it in my entire life. I don't speak German, Erin! But I know what it means only because Kai told me yesterday! in a fucking dream!

He sat down a few seats away from the woman who was also waiting for the bus, sinking his face into the other palm of his hand for a few seconds as he listened, not paying too much attention to what Erin was saying on the other side.

It wasn't that he wanted to ignore her, it was simply that his mind was still confused, and perhaps even more so after putting into words everything he'd been thinking about incessantly and unsystematically since he'd last seen Kai earlier in the day. It all seemed more confusing when he was sure it really didn't make sense.

—...and, I don't know, maybe he said those things at some point or maybe you read it somewhere.

—But something so personal, Erin? Why on earth would he have mentioned the name of his favourite donkey in any of those things? Also, in training I looked that information up on the internet, it's nowhere to be found. There's no possible way I could have found out about it.

—I mean, yes, I know. Okay? I understand, but there has to be a way, Mase, —she stressed, his voice much calmer than his best friend's.— There has to be, because if there isn't, do you have a way to explain it?

—I... —He lapsed into silence for a few seconds. His eyes scanned the damp roofs in front of him and how they failed to dry completely. The day was getting longer and longer and he realised that, as Erin had said, he didn't have it. She was right, he had no credible way to explain it, and he could only stare at the nothingness and watch the cars drive past him on the street, under a sky that threatened to start raining sooner or later— no, i think i don't... I guess —he sighed.

—What's the matter?

—Well, it's, it's stupid, but, well, I guess it's also an option to think that maybe... — God, how stupid, how stupid would it be if. ..— Maybe, it could be, that Kai really... was in my house.

Erin was silent for a few seconds on the other end of the call, while in Mason's mind the confusion and ridiculousness of it all prickled at his temples.

—Well, that... sounds no less insane than a prophetic dream, actually. I mean, honestly, why would he do something like that?

—I don't know, I don't know. I mean, I know it sounds stupid, okay? I know it sounds stupid, but what else could be happening?

—And would he have done it twice?

—I guess —he sighed— Mate, you're really making me feel stupid right now. 

—I've got to be honest, okay? And honestly, I don't think any of the new guys, who you tell me you've barely spoken to, are going to stop by your flat in the middle of the night to talk about your personal problems for hours. Unless they really have a different relationship to the one you've told me about.

 —Oh, come on, Er. I'm not lying to you about anything. Seriously, everything I'm telling you about my dreams is exactly what happens in them and, clearly, I barely know this guy in real life, I don't even talk to him during training!

—Well, if this isn't a huge coincidence, which I honestly believe it is, then if I were you I'd ask Kai what's going on the next time he shows up at my flat.

—You're being sarcastic, right? 

—Mase, I love you very much, mate, I really do, but that's why I have to tell you that you need to calm down, OK? Yes, this is weird, and it's very strange, but I'm sure there must be an explanation that maybe we're not seeing. Or, it could be a huge coincidence. Maybe you just have an amazing, amazing intuition. 

—I'm not sure about the latter, but… well, yeah, I guess it can be a huge coincidence —he sighed again. The increasingly chilly breeze in the air and the screen of his phone made his cheeks resent the change in temperature, which was beginning to accelerate as the afternoon wore on— This is ridiculous... god, it really is ridiculous.

—Mase, relax, you don't have to make this insufferable. Just let it flow and try to forget about it. I'm sure you'll have peaceful dreams about adorable puppies tonight if you watch that animal show I told you about instead of thinking about your new teammate.

—Er, it's just...

—Maybe that's how you're manifesting dreaming about him again.

—Oh, please...

—Just try not to think about it. All right? Try to distract your mind and calm down, watch a series, relax or go food shopping, don't neglect your hygiene routine, and have a light dinner. Please don't eat chocolate ice cream at night, okay?

—Yes, I won't, it's fine —he nodded, getting up to grab his backpack and pull out a different jacket, much more suitable for possible rain. I'm glad that at least you don't think I'm crazy, right? You're not worried?

—Well, look, if you tell me I can be calm then I won't worry, but if you tell me I should worry, I will and I'll talk to Ben about making an effort to move your date up, because I know you'd be too shy to do it yourself, so, should I worry?

He really thought about it. In Erin's voice, because things usually sounded a lot less worrisome when she was saying them than they did in his mind, and even though a part of himself was still beginning to think he could go crazy with the situation, he knew he couldn't have her on the phone all afternoon.

 Maybe he just needed to overthink less. Ben and Jack told him that often.

—No... no, I think I can handle this.

—Okay —she said, with one of those half—smiles he could imagine without having to see them— Hey, Mase, I gotta get back with the girls, but I trust you, okay? You can do this and you know you just need to call me if anything happens, okay?

—Yeah, Er, I know. Thanks for that and thanks for always listening to me.

—You don't have to thank me for that, it's what you do for me too —she reminded him, bringing a quiet smile to his face—. Well, I'll go now. Don't worry, it'll be a quiet afternoon if you distract yourself a little.

—Thank you, —he laughed—I hope it's less of a quiet afternoon for you.

Erin laughed again before hanging up. The screen of his phone picked up a few tiny drops of water beginning to fall from the sky, although, lucky for him, the bus was already around the corner. 

—You sound pretty calm, you know? How have you been feeling today?

—Oh, come on, don't talk to me like a psychologist right now —said Mason, laughing as he poured chips into a bowl.

—I'm not doing that! That was a genuine question, you know? —He heard Ben huff on the other end of the line, turning the volume of his background music up a couple of notches— I care about you as a friend, too.

The younger man let himself plop down on the couch in his living room with a cheerful expression on his face.

—Thank you, thank you, I do too, that's why I'm calling you. I really wanted to know what happened with that girl at the bar the other day, and I'm glad things aren't going so badly.

—I mean, we're going to that concert next Saturday, but I'm not sure if she really wants to see me or if she just wanted me to pay for her Arctic Monkeys ticket, —he said, with an unhopeful laugh.

—Well, I think you're better looking than Alex Turner.

—Thank you —he laughed—. I think I trust your judgement a bit more now that I know that.... 

—That I like boys?

—Uh, yeah, well, I'm not sure it's comfortable for you if I make that kind of comment yet, is it... is it okay?

—Ah, yeah, don't worry, it's not a problem. Actually, I was thinking that I should start to lose a bit of fear of, you know, talking about it more...

—Well, you can handle that at your own pace. Just take those steps as long as you're comfortable with them, there's no rush. And, for God's sake, don't say I'm talking to you as a psychologist.

—I'm sorry, —he laughed— No, no, I actually appreciate it very much and, you're right, I just have to take it slow. Small steps, yet confident. 

—Exactly. But, hey, don't digress: I just said that you sound relaxed today, and, I don't know exactly the reason why, but I'm really glad.

—You can't imagine... —he sighed. He browsed through the TV channels for a moment and finally ended up switching back to the streaming services— Actually, it was a bit of a confusing day, but, well, I talked to Erin for a while and I think I was able to feel more at ease.

—Why was it confusing? You didn't have any panic attacks?

—Uh, well, I think I'll talk to Jack about it later, but... No, none, I actually managed to calm down relatively quickly. I think, I think I'm getting better.

—I'm really glad, you have no idea, Mase, you know I deeply believe that you can pull this off, and I know you really believe it too, so, this is a sign of that. Hey, and, about Erin, I'd really like to go out the three of us, you know? From what I see, she's been pretty... in love, lately.

—Well, she likes Alsu a lot, I can tell you that much, but I think she should tell you about it all. 

—Do you think she's available for a call right now?

—Uh, I think she's out with the girls, I don't know if she's going to answer, but you should try... Why don't you ask her what day she wants to go out and let me know what you two agree on? I'm available any day.

—Oh, okay. Well, I'll do that then. I'll text you what she tells me, will you be okay?

—Yeah, don't worry, I'll be fine —he smiled, starting to play one of the titles—. I think I'm going to take the time before bed to clean up my house a bit.

—I think that's an excellent idea, —he said. He sighed in a way that, unexpectedly, made Mason feel his trust in him,— You can do this, okay?

—Thank you. I know, —he said with a smile, before hanging up. 

He picked up his phone and checked the latest stories on Erin's Instagram. There were still no updates after a picture she'd taken of the sunset a few hours ago, so he could only assume she was having a good time. He smiled and threw his head back, glancing for a few seconds at the sky behind the window, where a couple of the few visible stars were beginning to shine. He wondered for a moment how long it had been since he had seen a sky full of stars, and remembered how visible the stars were from Portsmouth, especially when looking at the sky from the shore on those nights when darkness gradually washed over the ocean, even before the horizon, and only an eerie black remained between the sand and the moonlight.

It wasn't his intention to instantly imagine what the sky would look like from the farmhouse where Kai had lived his childhood, but he did, and when he noticed what he was doing, he had to go back to sitting properly in the sofa and contemplate his reflection in the dark part of his screen, while the characters of the show that was playing were still moving. 

He decided he had to stop thinking about it and got up to make popcorn. So, with half his attention on Bake Off and the other half on vacuuming every nook and cranny of the downstairs, the cleaning job began for the night. He dusted the shelves and bookshelf in the living room, vacuumed the small bathroom rug, and cleaned the rubbish stuck in the corners of the couches. He spent enough time at it to stop thinking at all, and in fact, he could tell that disconnecting his brain for a couple of hours had helped him have a rather pleasant time alone. There was a really interesting comfort in being able to be at peace with his solitude after so many months when he hadn't been: being able to have fun, smile and do productive activities without having a breakdown while alone reminded him that it was possible, and for a moment, it felt like the way things used to be. He felt at peace, and that was all he wanted. 

His night ended when he decided to refuse to watch the fourth episode in a row and washed the bowl he had used. At the kitchen sink, he watched the water fall over his hands and concentrated on the sensation, remembering that he still had to do his nightly skincare routine. He was starting to get used to it and, honestly, it felt good to take care of himself. It felt good to know he was doing things right. 

He left the kitchen, heading for the stairs as he glanced towards the front door.

Although he had closed it, he had forgotten to lock it when entering a few hours ago. There was no real need to do so, after all, the building was secure and only his neighbours would have been able to open it. The lock was more a matter of habit, but the distraction of his mind as he arrived had surely made him forget it. He had already started to take a few steps towards the entrance, but a thought as quick as a memory made him stop again. 

He made his way back to the stairs, walked up to the floor where his room was located, entered the bathroom and began his hygiene routine. He didn't want to reason to himself what he was doing, didn't want to think about it at all; he devoted himself entirely to cleaning his face and hair and only looked back into his own eyes until the water on his face had washed away the products. He wondered for a second again if he should just forget everything that had caused him a headache during the day, but he understood what Erin had advised, and his own common sense told him the same: worrying wasn't doing him any favours.

He turned off the music on his phone and sent one last message to Erin before bed; she sent a couple of pictures a while ago, a couple of the sushi they'd eaten and another where Alsu could be seen in the distance. '' Go get her, tiger, '' he wrote to her before turning off the screen and putting his phone down on the nightstand. He switched off the light, turning to look at the ceiling: he knew that perhaps long minutes of trying to fall asleep were ahead, and it was true for at least half an hour when his thoughts wouldn't stop beneath his closed eyes, the noise filling his mind endlessly until that noise became real.

And it was coming from downstairs.

Chapter Text

He didn't even have to hear more than the sound of footsteps in the hallway at the entrance to the first floor to open his eyes immediately. He knew he wasn't that asleep yet anyway, because despite pretending he was, he hadn't really been able to fall asleep after going to bed.

Part of him knew: to be sure of his own mental sanity, or at least to appear to be so, he had to go to his bed and close his eyes pretending to ensure more than eight hours of sleep, but another part of himself didn't really wanted that; he was rather waiting for the moment when, without falling asleep, he would clearly hear that noise downstairs. And that was exactly what he could have sworn he heard as he hurriedly got out of bed.

He hurried towards the stairs, but not before glancing at the bathroom mirror in front of his room to fix his hair as much as possible before racing downstairs. 

And this time he didn't have to turn around and go to the kitchen, this time he was right there in front of him, barely walking through the entrance hallway and into the kitchen. 

—Kai!

—Mase —He smiled. Havertz didn't even seem surprised to see him there. Kai laughed lightly at seeing him so elated at his presence—. Hello.

—You're... here.

—I am, apparently.

—This is... very, very, very, very confusing.

—What? Seeing me here again?

—Well, yes! Yes, exactly that!

—You're not happy to see me, are you?

He looked into his eyes with that half—smile he'd last seen hours ago. He could swear it was the same, and the same as the night before. He couldn't help but feel the heat on his cheeks. 

—Hey, actually, no, I'm really happy to see you, because I have a lot of questions, —he said, walking up to him—. And, first of all, how did you...?

—You left the door open —he said, shrugging his shoulders and stepping aside to allow him to see the main entrance. And of course he remembered to avoid locking it, of course he had—. It wasn't that hard.

—Uh... well, okay, that, that makes sense, but... I'm not really asleep —he said, dropping his hands to his sides— I'm not asleep, am I? I mean, I'm sure I didn't fall asleep earlier when I went to bed, I bit my tongue on my way downstairs and didn't wake up, but you're here, and if you are and I'm not asleep, then... —he didn't complete his words, but his left hand was pointing at the other as if waiting for him to finish the sentence. 

Kai looked at him expectantly, but that cheerful grin didn't leave his face. Mason wished he could be as relaxed as Kai, but he wondered how could that smile look so new at night.

—I've told you all along that you're not dreaming, —he smiled—. I told you that, from the first day I came here.

—But... —The confusion on his face still didn't give him an answer beyond a surprised gesture, and though it bothered him, though the speed of his thoughts didn't let him sort anything out, he wasn't upset at the moment. 

Kai watched him stand speechless in his place, staring at the floor and at him for a couple of minutes before he was able to sit on the side of the couch in his living room, still looking the taller man in the eye.

—Is everything all right, Mase?

—Well... I guess it is, —he said, with an unbelieving laugh— I'm... I'm just really confused, I mean, you... You're really here, aren't you? You... You're Kai Havertz and you decided to come to my house and do it again, and then again? 

—I think I did, —he laughed.

—How can I be sure you really are Kai? I mean, what happened today, I... I know I would have no way of knowing that, but, come on, please, Kai, tell me something that I have no way of knowing and I can prove right now, okay? And I know this is going to be so stupid if it's really you, but I really need to know, please.

—Well, what do you want me to tell you? —he asked, crossing his arms and leaning his back against the wall.

—You said you had a brother and a sister. What are their names? 

—My brother and sister's names are Leah and Jan. I'm not sure if you can find that on the internet, but you could try to find them on my social media.

Mason took his phone out of his pocket and began searching for that information. He clicked on his Instagram, he didn't even follow him, but it only took him a couple of seconds to see that Kai did indeed have two siblings, whose names were Leah and Jan. And the matter remained as he was sure that he had never checked Kai's social media so closely as to have had that information. He looked his mate in the eye again.

—I don't get it yet.

—What is it?

—I mean, if so, then... W-why?

Kai glanced at the window at the back of the kitchen, sighing as he watched the light outside reflect off the smooth finished floor. Mason shook his head slightly to indicate his curiosity about it.

—Well, I... I can't explain it, but, I really felt like I needed to talk to you.

—With, with me? —he repeated incredulously.

—And you didn't reject me when I first came to talk to you. I think that... made me feel very safe.

—But it was because I didn't believe it was really... you. I still don't know if I believe it, I mean, this is just too, too unrealistic. 

Kai exhaled, with a comical look at his teammate.

—Well, I can't really do anything about that, —he said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Mason watched him from his spot on the couch, asking so many questions in his mind that he couldn't formulate into words and that, in reality, he assumed wouldn't get the answer he was hoping for from Kai. He couldn't help but let those thoughts eventually result in a small chuckle, confusing the man in front of him.

—Well, uh... So, that means I did a lot of things in front of you that I didn't want to do with... the real you —he said, with an uncomfortable look on his face. Kai laughed too, lifting his shoulders again—. Well, I guess nothing can be embarrassing to me anymore, right? I told you my whole life and probably acted a little... awkward.

—I told you mine too, didn't I?

—Yeah, I guess so... If this is real.

—That's fair enough. Thanks for not getting mad at me for being here again.

Mason smiled, looking at him and crossing his arms anyway.

—Hey, I'm really surprised, but you're not bothering me at all. Actually, unlike the darkness in my room, you are actually a very pleasant company.

—Sorry to disturb your sleep, too, —he added with a discreet smile.

—Don't worry, I can't sleep anyway —he shrugged. 

He finally got up from the armrest of the couch, and without even needing to say it, they both walked towards the kitchen, until they settled on the island in the middle of it. 

—Why?

He mentally wondered if Kai was aware that everything that was going on wasn't exactly " normal ", but it seemed to him that by that point, enough words had been said about it, and he really didn't feel like starting an argument and questioning Kai about why he was there when, deep down, he knew he'd spent the whole day thinking about him anyway.

Something inside him made him feel the confidence to relax about being by his side at that moment.

—I don't know. Were you waiting for me? —he joked. Mason's eyes widened wider at that, but he tried to hide it by laughing.

—I have a hard time sleeping sometimes. There are days when I'm tired, really tired, and I barely have enough energy to eat dinner before I go to bed, and then there are other days when I do a lot of activities and still feel like my brain just won't come down from the clouds, and then at bedtime I'm just staring at the ceiling for hours and thinking stupid shit instead of sleeping. It's a fucking nightmare, but, well, I think I'm talking too much about myself again.

—You're not, Mase, were you having one of those days today?

—No, no, —he said with a smile. There was a fine line between repressing what he was thinking and letting the thought settle in his mind, the thought that it made him happy to know that Kai actually cared about him— I was actually having a nice night. I cleaned this place up, as you can see, —he pointed, nodding around him—, put something on the TV and felt genuinely happy for a while. It was nice, I haven't had a day like that in a while, although... well, at the beginning of the day I was pretty confused about what happened in the morning.

—What... happened in the morning?

—Well, how did you expect me to react, if I thought all the things that happened these past few nights had been a dream? And then you show up there and tell me everything I already knew, —he smiled—. I really thought I was going crazy, you know?

—But... what I told you was just what I had already told you the night before, —he laughed— Why should it have been any different?

—Well, because... —he sighed. You really don't get it, Kai, do you? You don’t even realise that people don’t just do this— No, forget it, just... it was a little confusing for me, but it's okay, don't worry —he smiled—. Just, hey, why don't you talk to me in training with the closeness you do now?

—Uh, about that... you see, uh... —he said, looking him in the eyes. The lips pressing together told him there was something Kai wanted to say, but he decided not to rush him: he gave him all the seconds the younger man needed to get his words together—. I'm, I'm sorry... I'm... I'm not very good at knowing how to do this... socializing thing. I, in general, uh... I think I've had a bit of trouble getting comfortable with other people and I'm really comfortable with you when we're here and alone, and a lot, but... I don't know how to act when there's more people around. I don't, I don't want to seem, uh...

—Hey, no, no, don't worry, you don't have to change that, uh... I think I understand —actually, he didn't. He didn't understand perfectly, and maybe he didn't even understand exactly what Kai had been trying to say with those words, but it seemed like something that troubled him and he didn't want to force him to explain further—. If you feel more comfortable like that, it's no problem for me.

—Seriously, I'm really sorry, Mase, I'm really stupid...

—It's okay, it's okay, we can... just go on like this —he smiled kindly, trying to calm him down— So... Do you feel more comfortable when we're... alone?

—Yes, well, I've felt really good being here with you, it's very comfortable to come and talk. Although I can stop doing it, I understand if you'd prefer to...

—No, no, no, come on, not at all,—he interrupted immediately, daring to touch the other's shoulder gently for just a few seconds—. No, hey; don't stop coming, I want you to keep coming around, for me... it's been really nice hanging out with you so far, too. Yeah, it's a bit different all this, but... well, I've told you some pretty private things —he admitted, shaking his head slightly with a broad smile— so, I don't think we could be any more trusting than we are now, could we?

—Well, I think we could —he smiled. Mason turned to look him straight in the eye, surprised, but Kai's gaze didn't seem at all startled—. You could tell me something you don't usually tell everyone. 

It wasn't what he'd imagined Havertz would say; his fantasies were already playing a joke on him, and Mason wanted to hit his own head to stop it. He hid the flicker in his eyes and the slight flush in his cheeks by staring straight ahead.

—Well, uh, sure, let me think about it... You're going to tell me something too, right?

—Fair enough —he nodded.

—All right, let me think about it... It could be anything, right?

—Yes, anything.

He thought about it, and took the confidence to say it:

—Well, then: the beard is not intentional. The truth is, I don't even like having a beard, but you met me with it because sometimes I don't really have the energy to shave or do any of those things.

Kai watched him silently, paying attention to his chin which now looked clean.

—Oh... well, that... —he finally spoke— for what it's worth, it doesn't look bad. Well, I mean, I mean, you look good both ways —he laughed.

—Thank you. My mother hates it, so I've been trying to look cleaner —he admitted proudly. He was grateful that his hygiene routine included shaving regularly—. That's the truth about it and... I think you're the first person to know it's a bit of a problem for me, besides my best friend and my psychologist, who's actually my best friend, too.

—Are you best friends with your psychologist?

—Yeah, uh, well, I know it sounds wrong, but we started being friends before I worked at the club, uh... and he's actually not my psychologist right now, another one of his mates is the one who actually gives me therapy, but we have to pretend that my therapist is him and that we don't even know each other.

—It must be nice, knowing that he really cares about you and will make sure you get well.

—Well, it works like any process, but... sometimes you need other kinds of conversations, don't you?

—Yes, sometimes, I do —he smiled in his direction.

—Well, now it's your turn.

Kai was much less hesitant to speak than he was.

—Uh, I guess I could take the opportunity to tell you that it's been a while since I've talked to someone for so long, I don't... I can say that I don't remember ever having someone I could talk to with such comfort about... stuff.

The smile that found its way onto Mason's face during that confession ended up being completely impossible to hide: things in his mind were a complete mess at that moment, when the information from that day had yet to be processed and being talking there, at his kitchen island with Kai, had the overtones of an incredible dream, but his mind knew he was still awake. He was awake, one of the neighbours in another building was hosting a party and his projector on the balcony was shining coloured lights through the window in front of them both: he could have sworn that the kind of excitement his heart was pounding with would sound too optimistic if he had imagined it on himself in broad daylight, but the sun was hidden and the night had for the last three days become a theatre of dreams.

He had to overcome the embarrassment of having smiled so obviously in front of Kai, so that he could continue the conversation in which gradually more facts about each other began to come to light, with the comfort of making his kitchen a safe space.

For long periods of time that passed like water, he talked to Kai about everything he didn't usually talk about with anyone else, and felt completely comfortable doing so. He told him about the first time he cried about being away from home and how he still cried for that reason at Christmas time, when the Premier League didn't have a break and family gatherings had to wait. He also talked about why he always entered the pitch with his left foot and his right hand touching the grass as a habit. He told him about the first time he got his first detention at school for accidentally causing the nose of one of his classmates, with whom he was secretly in love, to bleed in an attempt to hug her. He told him about the first night he managed to get eight hours of sleep after his father's death, an achievement he had made only a couple of weeks ago. 

In between the conversation, he confessed to him how much he wished he could go back in time to see his father again, because sometimes he couldn't even remember what his voice sounded like and what he looked like smiling. And he apologised for continuing to talk to him so much about his grief. He then learned that Kai also had the vaguest memories of his grandfather, who had passed away during his childhood, and sometimes he felt bad that he didn't miss him, but how could he miss someone he had barely known? That didn't stop him from remembering being strangely obsessed with the idea of death when in a spate of years he had the misfortune of having to attend the funerals of several family acquaintances, where he didn't remember understanding what was going on or why everyone was crying when they told him in church that death was not to be feared. In a matter of a while, Mason was privy to those anecdotes and dozens of secrets that spilled from Kai's lips, from the most trivial about what food had made him the sickest in his life to the deepest, about what was the worst of his fears.

—I'd say it's... I don't know why, but, it would be to disappear from this world, —he admitted— Isn't it strange? Like, what's after all this? Nobody knows and... it really scares me to find out, don't you think?

—Uh, well, about that... I think I'd rather not talk about these things, you know?

—Oh, yeah, right! Oh, God, that was so stupid, sorry, sorry, I forgot, uh... I'm, I'm so sorry, Mase, I really am.

—No, it's okay, it's, it's just, I don't quite know how to... talk about it yet, or what exactly I'm thinking. I haven't been ready to think about it yet.

—No, I understand, I'm sorry about that.

—It's all right. It's the kind of thing you have to learn to integrate into life again. It's part of getting back to normal, isn't it?

—I know it's not easy —he said sincerely, turning his gaze to Mason. It wasn't a sympathetic look, nor was it a minimising one. Kai was simply acknowledging that fact, and somehow he felt more comfortable with it—. You're doing great.

And that felt sincere. He didn't understand why, after he'd heard those same words for so long and from so many people's mouths when referring to his process, they rarely felt sincere. Perhaps it depended on the fact that sometimes he actually agreed with that statement.

He felt suddenly nervous as he noticed that Kai was still waiting for his response after his thoughts had consumed him for a moment.

—Thank you, Kai. Uh... honestly, I rarely feel like that's true, so... thanks for being honest —Kai nodded, and Mason couldn't exactly describe what it was about that gesture that made him feel tingly from the middle of his chest to the back of his neck and the urge to say something before he started stuttering and getting a lot more nervous—. Uh, it's kind of late, —he hurried, glancing at his watch— I was thinking maybe....

—Oh, that's right. Uh, I guess I completely forgot the time, but, uh, I should probably get home now —he smiled.

—Oh, no, no, no, I, I was actually thinking that maybe you might want to, uh... stay. I mean, it's kind of late and I think you noticed that I don't have a problem with it.

—Uh, well... 

—Although I don't know if it's okay for you —he added sheepishly. He hadn't yet asked why he'd left early the first night.

—Thank you, Mase. I appreciate it, but I think I've already gone a little overboard with your kindness —he joked. He climbed down from the counter, straightening his clothes as he did so—. I think I should go now, before it gets any later.

—Oh, well, I understand, don't worry —he shrugged, going down to the floor as well—. It's certainly a bit late.

—Sorry about that.

—It's all right, I'm used to this, but it's a good idea to watch your sleep. How's England settling in?

—I'll get used to it —he shrugged, making him smile too. Kai yawned suddenly—. I'm not quite there yet, though.

—Uh, aren't you worried about not getting enough sleep? I mean, we have training tomorrow and I don't know how long it'll take to get from here to your place...

—No, don't worry, I'll be fine. I'm sure I will rest just fine —he smiled.

He didn't know what to understand of it, or if he should read into it at all. How worn out and dead did a heart have to be to feel something shake inside it at the slightest hint of kindness? He was sure that if Kai had been a woman he would never have thought a smile meant anything, but perhaps it was simply his inexperience drawing patterns where there were none.

He didn't stop a nervous chuckle from escaping his lips as he tried to respond, while Kai began to move towards the door.

—Uh, do you want me to wait for your transport with you? —he said hurriedly, almost as soon as he reached the door of his flat.

—No, no, don't worry, I'll do it, —he smiled—. Perhaps you'd better get some rest.

—Oh... okay, thanks, —he admitted—. Well, then... honestly, thanks for coming, Kai. Really, it was nice to hang out again, and I'm sorry for my attitude at first —he said, scratching the back of his neck with a rueful chuckle—. I probably sounded like a fool. Well, I guess I am a bit of an idiot.

—You're not. Sorry for scaring you and... Thanks for hanging out with me.

—Pff, no problem, my pleasure —he assured him shyly. His hands held tightly to the door and its frame, while the other stood in the hallway outside—. You're welcome. Any time. 

—... You're a very sweet person, Mason.

He could have sworn that all the air in his lungs had escaped at that moment. His eyes were blinking and his still body was trying to activate all the necessary mechanisms to not look like he was about to scream. Kai was nice, he was too nice and if he talked like that and walked into his house like that, maybe he was also too naive, or at least made himself look too naive, but how did he explain that to his brain? He couldn't calm down in the seconds he had to do it, how the hell was he supposed to process that?!

—I...I'll see you tomorrow. At training —was all his brain could form.

Kai smiled, as if he hadn't expected any other answer.

—Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow —he said, before leaving behind his door and starting to walk towards the stairs—. Sleep well, Mase.

—Uh, thanks... —he replied, watching him walk down until it was no longer possible to do so.

He blinked.

He closed the door in a hurry and then sighed as he leaned his back against the wall next to him. 

What the fuck?

Chapter Text

—I think I'm still scared to be alone —he said. Despite the noise outside, the sound of Jack's computer, the chirping of birds and the distant whistle on the youth teams' pitches, Mason felt as if his voice was echoing through the room in the silence. Jack seemed more observant after that statement.

—What do you mean by that? Mentally?

—Literally. I don't... I don't want to be alone yet. I thought I was past that stage where I was too afraid of having to be alone with my thoughts, but, uh... last week something bad happened again.

—What happened?

—I… —he sighed, averting his gaze to the side. There, in the corner of the table, a small artificial plant stood always on Jack's left side; static, without any trace of life— Uh... I was doing my hygiene routine, I wasn't feeling well, but... I think at some point my thoughts started to get too bad and suddenly I had to move away from the bathroom because it all started to get too unbearable. My thoughts, my feelings, the things I was remembering and what I was thinking, everything... it was unbearable, and it hurt so much. Literally, it was very painful.

—Was it a pain that you felt somatically?

—Yes, it was, in a way. I don't like that feeling because... it makes my chest and throat hurt in a way that really makes me suffer. I don't like to suffer. I think... it's always been very difficult for me to deal with it.

—I understand that. That's very comprehensible —he nodded slowly, looking him calmly in the eye—. Mason... What exactly are you afraid of?

—Being alone.

—No, I mean, what are you afraid of when you're alone? What's the worst consequence you fear from those thoughts you don't want to have when you're alone?

Mason stared intently at the plant sitting on Jack's office desk. The green leaves drooped motionlessly from the thick trunk on which they were held, the one that started on grey rocks inside a transparent container. Morning light streamed in through the window and illuminated the side of his arm and the desk. Without realising it, his fingers were insistently walking over the armrest of the chair he was sitting in.

—Uh... I don't know. Well, I'm sure I don't want to die, I've never wanted to die and... I don't think suicide has ever been a possibility, I've always been aware that I'm actually afraid of death, but... I don't know. I think I just... I don't like living like this, I don't like things hurting and having to live in pain. I want to live, sure, but I want to live well, you know? I don't like living in this precise situation, in this moment of my life.

—Would you say that at this precise moment you don't want to live, then?

—Uh, no, I wouldn't say that, it's... it's just that I want to... skip it. I wish I could fast forward through all this, because I know that one day it will stop hurting, right? Someday I'll stop crying for my dad and missing him so much, someday the urge to turn back time will go away. Someday the team will be better and I'll go back to playing like I used to, and my mum will go back to enjoying life and I won't have to worry about this, right? I just... I just wish I could skip my life to that part. Not have to live through all this.

Jack nodded again, sympathetically and calmly, though he proceeded to make quick notes on his laptop. 

—What's the worst thing that could happen when you have these crises? I mean, clearly you're not thinking about taking your life, but it seems clear to me also that there's something you're afraid of when you wish you could avoid it. Right now, you wish you could avoid this point in your life. Why? What is it that you wish you could ''jump over''?

He thought about it. He thought about it in silence for a while during which the ideas in his head did not allow him to look anywhere else besides the small garden behind the window of that office. It took him almost two minutes to organise his thoughts enough to be able to speak again.

—Well, I think it's... the suffering. The suffering of it, of suffering so much when you love a person you will never see again, or never live again the moments that were beautiful. I would like to avoid feeling the pain I feel from missing my dad so much, and from all the problems that his death caused. The problems with money, the paperwork at the moment, the psychological treatment of all my family, especially the depression my mum is still in. The pain of not being able to help her to be well again and the uncertainty of losing her too, I mean, I know you said it's not my responsibility or my burden, but... all this pain, I wish I just... didn't feel it, that it would stop hurting now.

—Pain is something we naturally avoid, Mason —Jack added—. It's something that puts our bodies on alert and it's uncomfortable. Wanting to avoid it is quite normal, but you really have a problem with pain, and you've noticed that, haven't you?

—That's why I have anxiety attacks when I remember all those things that hurt so much, isn't it? I just want to get away from it as fast as I can —he spoke half-heartedly.

—You're too afraid of suffering, and that can be due to many factors, but I think it's crucial how much you seek efficiency. And, come on, I know we're in a football team and the sport demands quick recovery and immediate hard work, but that's not how the mind works, Mason. Pain naturally induces anxiety, but in your case it's not just anxiety, it's also a strong sense of sadness. You know this is a long process, depression is something that takes time and treatment isn't magic, but you're taking small steps, okay?

—I know. Uh, I can acknowledge that I'm making progress... slowly. And that fact is a little insufferable at times.

—Well, patience is key. And I must say that, in fact, in times of uncertainty and fear, patience and serenity are more than just virtues; they are survival weapons. You have to survive while this process is going on, and remember that in this life it is completely normal not to be well all the time, and it is valid to simply survive while you still don't feel well.

He remained silent after that statement, staring at a fixed point without really thinking about more than those last words. 

It was hard to understand, and the reality was that he didn't want to survive: he wanted to live well, like before all things changed, but that wasn't as simple as he would have liked it to be. Turning back time was sometimes a fervent urge again, though it gradually became less of a recurring thought and the reality of its impossibility became more settled in his life.  Still, when he thought about it so much, sometimes smiling again without a piece of his heart seemed impossible.

—Yes. Well, I've survived the whole summer... I think I'm starting to finally see signs of improvement, at least in me. 

—Uh, well, actually —Jack said, settling back in his chair— your message said you wanted to talk to me about something 'exciting' today —he quoted—. I hope it's something positive, since the session still gives us a few minutes to talk about it.

Mason also stirred in his seat as he remembered the text he'd sent with trembling hands that night, when Kai had shown up at his flat for the third time, after he'd left and Mason had seen him coming down the stairs about a week ago. 

—Oh, yeah, well... about that... Uh... 

Probably having pondered his words for a few seconds worried the psychologist enough to make him speak hastily again.

—Well, uh, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, you know this is a safe and confidential space. Actually, I don't know exactly if you want to talk about it still, I should've asked that —he said, nodding slightly as he typed a couple of words into his computer—. Would you like to talk about it in session or...?

—Oh, no, no, no, don't worry! Actually I, well, I think I do want to talk about it but, well, uh... it's kind of... kind of complicated —he explained, searching his mind for the words that would make it all make more sense.

—Don't worry, take your time,—he knew that wasn't true. The session didn't have all the time, but Jack was always very kind at his job.

—Well, it's just, I've been... uh, I've, I've been talking to Kai Havertz, you know?

—One of the new guys —he nodded.

—Yeah, exactly, uh... well, but, the thing is, we've been talking at night, but, literally. I mean, actually, what happened was… —he sighed. Facing him, Grealish looked patient with his words, though unlike himself— uh, last week, the day they showed up, I went home after training and when I was going to sleep, well, maybe I could sleep for a few minutes, but after that I... I heard a noise downstairs, in the kitchen, like someone had come in through the window, and then I went downstairs and... there he was.

—Kai Havertz?

—Yes, Kai Havertz —he nodded, confident in his answer but nervous as he continued the story—. He was there, in the kitchen. I thought it was a dream, and he said he wanted to talk to me and we talked, and I talked to him about my father and he talked to me a little bit too, and then I let him sleep in my room and I slept downstairs. And the next morning he wasn't there anymore.

Jack remained silent, waiting for him to continue, while Mason waited for a comment in return. Grealish broke the silence.

—So, did he leave?

—Yeah. Well, yeah, I guess, uh... but, then —he cleared his throat— the next day he came back, right after I went to bed. He was in my kitchen again, and we talked again, and I told him very personal things, and he told me personal things too, and I thought it was strange to have the same dream two days in a row, and to remember it so vividly, but the strange thing is… —he said, adjusting himself on the couch to rest his elbows on his legs— the next day I asked him about those things he told me here, at breakfast, and it was all true. 

—Do you think you could elaborate on that bit? About it all being true.

—I mean... at night he told me a lot of personal details about him, and the next day I could see that those details were real. Have you seen the damn Keychain he's got in his backpack? The one with the donkey on it?

—No, uh, I haven't really been able to interact with him yet.

—Well, he has a donkey-shaped keychain, one I'd never seen before, and yet I knew he liked donkeys, and that his favourite one was named Ruhe. I also knew what that word meant when I've never learned a single bit of German in my life —he sighed, glancing to his side for a second before looking at his therapist again—. And, look, I know it could be a huge, huge coincidence, but, somehow, in the next 'dream' —he punctuated the quotation mark on that word— he told me the names of his brothers and a bunch of other things I'd have no way of knowing, and he told me he wasn't dreaming.

Jack nodded slowly after hearing him speak, staring straight ahead earnestly. He straightened his back before speaking again.

—Okay, so, we're not talking about dreams, then, are we? He's been... visiting you at night.

—Uh, I... I think so. I mean, on Wednesday last week I asked him about it and he said it wasn't a dream, that he just wanted to talk to me and now he does, in my flat, always at night; we talk for a couple of hours and he goes home... And that's it —he said, leaving time for a few seconds of silence.

—Well, could you tell me a bit more about that? About, you know, how you feel about it?

Mason sighed.

—I mean, honestly... I know this all sounds crazy and weird, and it is, but... well, to be honest, it doesn't really bother me. In fact, well, he's told me a couple of times that, if I'm bothered by all this, he's ready to stop, but I've told him that it doesn't need to, actually, I'm fine with it.

—So, this situation is not troublesome for you. All right?

—Exactly. It's baffling, that's all it is, it's baffling.

—Baffling. Have you talked to Kai about, well, the elephant in the room, about how this is quite a bit baffling?

—Uh, I... sort of, I mean, not really, but we've addressed it a little bit and, again, he said if I was uncomfortable with it at some point he could stop doing it, but, well, like I told you, actually I'm not. —he said, frowning slightly. He knew that his answer was perhaps a confusing statement, and he knew that knowing himself, it was not the way he would react to something like that at another point in his life, but he was being honest with himself, and truth was, in fact, the whole situation was far more exciting than it was problematic—. You know, actually, no, it doesn't bother me, I don't mind these visits at all, I mean... I think it's done me good, actually.

He might have only known Jack for a very short time, but despite that, Grealish always treated him with the utmost professionalism and Mason could feel how much he trusted him. As always, despite that confession, Jack's eyes were non-judgmental.

—I find this interesting, —he said—. I mean, you might think that a situation like this could be awkward, for a variety of reasons, but of course it could also be a good thing. Mason, I wish I could hear more about how these visits and this relationship with Kai makes you feel and if it's being a positive thing, but right now we're a little past the hour, —he lamented, pushing his computer further away to get up from his spot. Mason looked at the time on his phone: they were almost 10 minutes past the time their session was supposed to end, so he got up as well, picking up his backpack from the floor—. I'd like to end today's session with this, shall we start the next session with this topic?

—Oh, yes, sure, that's fine. You're right, I think we took a bit longer than we should have.

 —No problem. See you next week, okay?—he said in farewell, offering his hand as they both stood by the door. 

—Sure, uh, thanks —He said quickly to Jack. 

In the waiting room, Thiago Silva was reading a pocket book with little interest; he stood up from his spot as soon as he noticed Mason leaving the hallway leading to Ben's office, which Jack used for his sessions. Thiago came over to give him a quick hug; he was slowly getting used to the Brazilian greeting him that way every time he saw him, and honestly, he found it kind of cute every now and then.

—Hi, Mason, good afternoon —he greeted, putting the book away in the small suitcase he was carrying.

—Hi! So, you did decide to schedule a session? —he said proudly.

—Yes, I did. Thanks for helping me with that —he smiled, squeezing his shoulder gently— How are you?

—Good, uh... improving, —he nodded, with a smile—. That's what it's all about, isn't it?

—It is —he nodded.

—Well, so... good luck on your session —he smiled. Thiago picked up his suitcase from the chair.

—Thank you. Hey, by the way, Thomas asked me about you, I think he wanted to talk to you.

—Oh, wow... well, thanks, I'll go find him then. 

Thiago nodded in a friendly manner, before continuing on his way to the office. Mason hurried towards the pitch where he knew he could still find his coach.

Thomas Tuchel stood on the sidelines watching the extra training of some of the youth players he was looking to bring into the squad at some point during the season. It was still too early to decide which of them would train next week with the senior team, but last week's good result in their first game of the season gave him the confidence to experiment a little with his line-up. 

There, Mason had found him with his back turned, watching intently and writing down from time to time in a small notebook that he usually carried around. He waited for him to look up from his notes before catching his eye.

—Uh... Boss?

—Ah, Mason! Hey, how's it going?

—Good, everything's fine, uh... well, Thaigo told me you were looking for me —he mentioned with a tone of hesitation in that sentence.

—Oh, right, that! Yeah, actually, I really wanted to talk to you a bit, I mean, just to check on how things are going....

—Oh, well... right, well, I'm all ears then —Mason moved uncomfortably, which was noticed by the older man. 

He moved closer to face him, placing a hand on his shoulder and guiding him to an area closer to the side of the court where they could talk in more privacy. Mason glanced to his side with some concern.

—Well, Mase —Tuchel said, kindly patting him on the back—. Well, you know we're interested in how you're feeling at the club, right? We want everyone in the team to be comfortable and we know about, well, you know, your, your current situation, so, uh, we wanted to ask how... How's it going?

—Uh, you mean about my dad? 

—Yeah, uh, I mean you in general. You know what I mean? How, how are you feeling emotionally?

—Oh, uh, well, I've been feeling good. I've been feeling good. —he folded his arms.

—How's the therapy going? Is it... working?

—Yeah, yeah, I think so —he nodded, biting the inside of his cheek lightly and resting his arms at his sides—. Uh, I'd say I'm feeling good overall and... I've been feeling motivated this week, yeah. Everything... is fine, I think.

—Oh... well, that's good. I'm glad, I'm really glad to hear that —he smiled—, Well, you understand we're really keen to know that you're well and to know if you're mentally prepared for the season, you see, I really wish you could come in for the second half of the game this week, but I'd like that to be the case if you're feeling good.

—Oh, yes, yes, yes! I mean, boss, uh, I'm feeling perfectly fine for the game, no, it's no problem at all, actually....

—Mase, I know you really want to come back, —he interrupted politely— And believe me, I want you to, too, but... you know last season....

—I know, I know... I know —he admitted, taking a second to close his eyes and then be as firm as he could—. I know that maybe... it was a bit of a mistake to trust me at the end of last season...

—Mason, it wasn't like that, we all understand that...

—...but, I'm serious, you can trust me. I promise you, I really do feel better now. Really, my progress has been good with the therapist and I am ready. I am.

Thomas Tuchel nodded slowly, his lips pursed and slender fingers tapping nervously at the notebook in his hands. He looked him in the eye after a few seconds; in his mind, Mason begged for a positive answer.

—Well. I don't have a choice, I want to see you shining on the field again too, and I'm sure the fans do too.

—God, thanks, boss —he celebrated, shaking Tuchel's shoulder with a smile. 

—Hey, hey, take it easy. First I'm going to consult with your therapist about the idea, and if everything goes well and you keep playing well, expect your name on Sunday —he smiled.

—Thank you. I really appreciate it, you won't be disappointed.

—I don't expect to be, Mason —he replied with humour. After patting Mount's back, they both started walking back toward the middle of the field. Mason was about to walk away after saying goodbye to him when the older man called out to him again— Hey, Mason!

—Yes? —he replied from a distance. He had walked a couple of metres from where Tuchel would be staying, but he preferred not to backtrack and start another conversation that might be too long. Now he had a call with Ben pending.

—Uh, well I wanted to ask you also, how are the new lads? Do you feel they are settling in well?

The question threw him for a moment. Perhaps Cesar would have been a better choice for that question.

Maybe it was a question he was asking the whole team; after all, his coach was someone who was usually thoughtful. 

—Well... yes, they are adjusting well, in my opinion —he said disinterestedly. He ventured to add as well —I like Thiago a lot, he's very nice and understands the style of play well.

—I guess you like Kai too —he said, gesturing with his hand to the dining area in front of the court, where through the building's large window they could still see some of the team members having a last meal before heading home.

The way his eyes widened at that answer was nothing compared to how his heart began to beat fast, wishing with all his heart that none of the boys eating there had seen their coach's finger pointing with such obviousness at the table where Kai Havertz, Antonio Rüdiger and Timo Werner were sitting.

—Eh, sorry?

—I said that I guess you like Kai too. You were looking at him a lot today in training and you tried to talk to him a lot, you seem to be good friends, don't you?

—Yeah, yeah... —He tried to hide the embarrassment on his face, but inside, he kept repeating to himself how much he hoped no one else had noticed that —He's a nice player.

—I'm glad. I hope you all get along, and I hope you make them feel at home, can you help me with that?

—Yeah, sure, boss —he uttered expressionlessly— I, uh, I gotta go… bye. 

—See you tomorrow, Mason.               

He walked as fast and as quietly as he could pretend to walk across the field, soon arriving at the place where the road to the Cobham exit was. Orange tints already lit up the sky in an evening full of scattered clouds; the rain seemed to have no intention of coming that day, and considering Erin had left early, he was grateful to be able to walk home safely despite doing so alone.

As he passed the health and physiotherapy building, he stopped in front of the side where the psychology and medicine offices were located. He wondered if it would be wise to call Ben: he hoped to ask him to put in a good word for his progress when Tuchel asked about it, even though he was sure Chilwell would flatly refuse and would talk to him again about how necessary it was to keep his friendship distinct from his work as a psychologist. Still, he knew that Ben had noticed progress in him, too, thanks to Jack's reports, and would probably rate him as ready to get back on the field anyway.

He put his phone back in his pocket; he would trust his friend's judgement. 

He started walking back towards the exit. He swung his backpack to his side to grab his headphones from it and opened some of the playlists on his phone, browsing through the songs in search of one that might accompany him on his way. He still hadn't chosen the right one when a familiar voice called out from behind him:

—Mason!

He paused and mentally asked any deity for help so he wouldn't have to listen to an uncomfortable question.

—Oh, uh, hi. How's it going, Kai?

—All good —smiled the German—. How are you?

—Uh, same, —he said, then flashed a half-smile. He was trying to relax as best he could.

—Cool —Kai replied. It took a couple of seconds of awkward silence before the younger man broke the ice again—. Uh, well... I wanted to ask you about, you know, I saw you talking to Tuchel a while ago and I noticed he was pointing at me at one point —Mason tried not to make it obvious how much he wanted to sigh: the pleas to gods hadn't been very effective— Did he tell you anything about me? You know, about my performance or something like that.

The younger man's concerned expression seemed somehow soothing to him, or maybe it was his mind's attempt to distract himself from how embarrassed he was that Kai, and probably the rest of his table, had noticed his conversation with Tuchel. Maybe it was good that Kai had thought sooner about a conversation about feedback than about what his coach had actually asked him. And maybe he was taking too long to answer that question and that was the reason why Kai was looking at him with even more intrigue and made him feel like his heart was in his throat.

—Uh... no. No, I mean, yeah, well, uh... —he didn't plan what he would answer, he tried to do it quickly, but what could he say?— Well, he didn't tell me anything exactly about you, um, actually we were just talking about... how it's really good for him to have some German guys, uh, you know, because of the language thing.

—Ah... I see, okay —he said, not looking him in the eye, but being more relaxed about it—. So he didn't say anything bad?

—Oh, no, no, no, don't worry, there was no comment about that. Nor about any of you in particular.

—Oh, good. Well, that's good —he smiled. 

The distance between them was small, but not enough to give the impression of anything more than small talk. Mason didn't know if he should step forward and perhaps try to chat with him more or keep that distance and say goodbye as soon as possible. He didn't know which option would be better received nor what Kai's intention was, but it was a fact that the more seconds passed in silence, the more the feeling grew that the awkwardness of both of them interacting was the biggest impediment to having a normal coexistence.

—Yes, it is. Uh... I think you seem like a good player to him.

Kai laughed almost under his breath, with a nod of thanks.

—Thanks, uh... I hope so. 

—Yeah... —he was nervous, and hell, he didn't understand why. Or maybe he didn't want to understand. 

Why was that happening to him with Kai? He didn't want to get into trouble, he didn't want to dwell on stupid things, and he definitely wasn't at the right time or in the right mental state to even hint to himself the same kind of things Erin was hinting to him about Kai. He didn't even want to think about it, as hard as it was because of the kind of interactions they were having since meeting, but he was starting to feel like the biggest idiot in the world for being so nervous every time he saw Kai in the daylight.

He just had to relax. He was a teammate like any other, and maybe he'd told him practically his whole life, but he had to calm down. It was just Kai.

—Uh, hey, Kai —he spoke again. Maybe he could go ahead and try— How did you sleep last night?

He wanted to bury his head in the ground. Or maybe it was more Kai's puzzled expression at that question that made him want to bury his head in the ground.

—Uh... all right. Fine I guess —his bewildered voice and raised eyebrows were again the answer he expected and didn't want to hear. I'm an idiot, what an idiot, I shouldn't have asked that stupid question — Why do you ask? — And again this. Maybe that is also ridiculous on his part.

—Well, you know, I'm asking because... you know, uh... I think you slept a little late last night.

Kai was looking at him like that again, as if he was talking nonsense. At times he felt like it too. At times it felt pointless to try.

—Uh... I don't think so.

—Yeah, well, you're right, —he said, shaking his head slightly—, uh, well, I'll see you...?

—Tomorrow? —completed the taller one.

—Yes. Yes, all right, tomorrow —he said, still with a certain discomfort in his tone.— Uh, see you tomorrow, then.

Kai offered him a friendly smile, despite everything, but Mason still felt his cheeks too prone to give him away to look him in the eye for long. He said a quick goodbye, the two of them heading off in opposite directions down the path between the gardens of the place.

Again. It's exactly the same every time. What the hell is wrong with him?

That. That reaction, that was exactly what he had refrained from telling Tuchel and hadn't had time to explain to Jack. The last few days with Kai had him on a rollercoaster of emotions that didn't allow him to feel completely at peace: while the nights, except for the weekends, had been spent between long conversations in his living and dining room, cups of tea, the light from the window and the television playing music, the days were a completely different story.

In the light of day, everything seemed exactly the same as the first time; a dream that had never been real. When he met Kai at practice they barely spoke to each other, they could hardly chat for a couple of minutes when he would try to initiate a conversation with him in the locker room, even if the night before they had talked for hours and laughed as if they had known each other all their lives. 

While in the evenings Kai would decide to transport himself to the door of his flat just so he could spend some time with him, during the day, when he could easily hang out with him without any effort, he didn't seem half as interested in doing so. He had tried more than a couple of times that week, trying to approach him and pick up the conversations from the night before or at least start some new ones, but the result was always the same: Kai acted completely different, as if the closeness he had built up with him during the nights would vanish in a matter of hours, so that in the morning he couldn't find the receptiveness to speak properly with him or even mention that they had seen each other last night, whether he was trying to talk to him alone or with the rest of his teammates around him.

And that just kept confusing all the things his mind could think of about Kai.

He had considered that, perhaps, Kai was one of those people who hid some of his friends in front of other friends, and that made him so upset that he wanted to throw himself on the bed and scream into a pillow. He had also thought about the possibility that he was too shy around others, that maybe on the weekends he visited some of his other teammates as well, that maybe what he did with him was just his way of socialising. In his mind he also considered the possibility that Kai might in fact be neurodivergent, or that he might not be the best at socialising, or simply that he preferred to keep his private conversations private. The possibilities were so many that at times they seemed like the pieces of a mess twisting in a tornado in his mind, but the one thing he was sure of was that he had spent a large part of his bus rides home thinking about the issue and that every time he tried to get close to Havertz in training he ended up in the same situation.

But why? What is going through his mind?

He didn't understand, because he wouldn't act that way, but he knew that every brain was a world unto itself. He thought about it as the bus window began to fog up slightly due to the dropping temperature outside. He was still surprised he hadn't caught a cold with such changes, but he had to thank mostly the way Erin and Ben had gone out of their way to force him to eat a proper diet in the time he'd been at his mother's house over the summer, despite failing a little more at exercise consistency when, at some point in that long May and June, he'd come to feel like the energy in his body had run out.

Now he felt much better than that. Things were getting better, that was a fact, and he had to admit that, at least, this whole new friendship with Kai had been occupying his mind enough to take his thoughts off the grief and those waves of sadness he'd had to fight so many nights.

At some point, his mind became exhausted from fighting every day, and resting, even if it meant having a new set of emotions like the confusion, doubt and bewilderment that his new teammate had brought him these days, could feel like a place where the downward slide in his life began to slow down. 

For in spite of everything, it also brought another kind of emotion: interest, which turned into enthusiasm. Enthusiasm, which became joy. Joy, which, on some days, managed to give hints of returning to his everyday life, on those nights when joy ended up being a strange kind of calm.

Why can't it feel like this all the time?

God, you need to stop thinking about it, Mason. You're overthinking it, again, and overthinking is always the weapon that ends up hurting you the most.

He looked back at the bus window, wiping the steam off it with his hand so he could see outside. It was still halfway home, and his playlist was more than enough for that.

Er. 

Now.

Hey

how are u?

On his phone screen, Erin's phone contact displayed a couple of messages at the top, turning down for a moment the volume on the videos he was playing on his television. He hesitated about answering immediately, as he was in the middle of a YouTube marathon of his favourite Top Of The Pops performances; he and his brother had created that playlist a long time ago, when he was still sixteen and had only recently moved to London. At that time he missed the music he used to hear at home too much, between the different tunes the boys played in the club's dressing room.

WYD?

Erin typed. Mason glanced down at his phone, which was about a metre and a half away from his hand, on a different couch. He'd probably have to get up to get it, but the music, the Monster Munch of his favorite flavor in a bowl, and the position on the sofa made him too comfortable to move.

You're eating junk food aren't you?

Answer the question, dumbass.

I know you're seeing this 

An annoyed emoji was sent right after that last message, and for a moment, the irrational fear of being watched somehow made him get up and pick up the phone.

I'm not eating junk food!

But I'm fine

Are you at home?

No, but I will be in a few hours

What are YOU doing? A date with Alsu at last? 

He knew the answer would probably be ''no'', but he always imagined the day when his friend finally fulfilled her goal of asking her teammate out. Besides, he thought it was funny how nervous she was when he teased her about it.

You little shit 

I'm at that new mall

Shopping for food with the girls for the week.

U at home? Or finally having a date with someone? 

Perhaps u will in a few hours, won't u?

He wasn't paying that much attention to his phone, more looking at the messages on the screen and concentrating on the video starting, but that message, appearing over the beginning of Don't You Want Me, made him straighten in place immediately, his heart pounding with the same disturbance as his thoughts. He sighed.

🙄

I'm at home, listening to music

So how have things been going with Kai? Did you tell Jack about him? 

Erin wrote, adding the wide-eyed emoji several times.

I told him a little bit, but the session was over before I could tell him much.

But I'll talk to him about it next week. 

Mmmm suspicious

But how have things been going with him????

Don't change the subject!

He sighed, throwing his head back and his phone onto the couch. This situation was stressing him out more than it should have, perhaps. Explaining everything wouldn't have to be too much trouble, except for the fact that, contrary to what he'd expected the first time he'd told Erin about Kai, their relationship hadn't progressed in the light of day in the same way it had in the nightly encounters at his house.

He decided that perhaps a voice message would be much simpler, so he took a breath before hitting the record button:

—Well, actually it's all been kind of... strange. I don't know, maybe it isn't and I'm just overthinking it but, well, he's kept coming home, almost every day, you know? We talk, we talk a lot and I have a good time with him, uh, I guess it's all good in that sense, but... Remember I told you that it was a bit harder to interact with him when we're in Cobham? —He tried to wait for Erin's response, remembering until a couple of seconds later that it wasn't a phone call— Things are exactly the same so far, he's just kind of distant when we see each other at practice. Honestly, sometimes I feel like he acts like we're not even friends, but he's not like that at night, and it confuses me. It confuses me a lot... Anyway, I don't think badly of him or anything, he's really nice and I have a lot of fun with him when he comes over, so... I don't think he has bad intentions. He just... he just confuses me.

He watched the message get delivered and waited until Erin could hear it, though he preferred to concentrate on the TV and relax as much as he could.

How do you feel about it? Does it make you feel bad or something?

She replied.

Hmmm

I try not to think about it

Anyway

Wanna come over and watch my top of the pops playlist in a bit?

Changing the subject, I see 

Wrote Erin, that eye emoji again.

So what kind of tunes do you have anyway?

Human League, Blur, Siouxie

We can play some of your suggestions

Will u really do it?

I'll scrutinize them first.

You'll have to come and find out

Hahahaha

It's a deal

See you in a bit xx

Done x

He smiled, then dropped his phone on the couch next to him. He grabbed the blanket nearby and pulled it aside as he decided to finally get up; he had a few things to put in place before Erin arrived, and maybe he'd go out and get some snacks they'd both enjoy, considering his best friend preferred sweet to savoury.

There wasn't much to clean up, fortunately. That was one of the few advantages of living alone: he didn't have to worry frequently about cleanliness. He had learned to be careful to clean up whenever things got dirty, to put things back where they were, and contrary to what his mother might have expected, after his father's death he had neglected everything except for the cleanliness of his flat.

Cleaning, sweeping, mopping, washing, dusting; that sort of thing had been his only pastime during the last weeks of the previous season, while his heart still mourned every day and the end of the Premier League sealed for his team another season without European qualification: keeping his flat clean had been the only bearable activity that still felt productive and kept him from plunging completely into depression. He could say that during the early summer it had been one of the few times he had felt calm.

After a few minutes of tidying up the small mess he had around the main couch in his living room, he was able to leave the space clean enough to go outside in search of snacks to share with his friend. He still had probably a couple of hours before the girls returned, so he took the long way to one of those new shopping plazas they had recently built on the outskirts of the neighbourhood. He found it comfortable because it was not yet completely full of shops and not yet full of visitors; people were still getting used to the place, so walks there were somewhat solitary and quiet. Furthermore, he took the time to leisurely browse through some shops with his headphones on, and even bought a couple of skincare products that a young woman had promoted to him as he entered a store.

For a while later, as the setting sun gave way to a clear night, the city lights dulled the moon's glow on his way home, carrying a bag full of snacks on one side and a smaller one with a couple of other unplanned purchases on the other: it wasn't as if money was plentiful at this point in his life, as the expenses of his father's death and his mother's therapy were paid by him by choice (it felt like the least he could do), but he still tried not to worry about small purchases; that was what his siblings had recommended. As always, the relief was in the thought that all the worrisome situations in his life were momentary; at some point everything would get better, someday everything would be fine again, even if he could never visualise whether that future was near or far.

He shook his head. He knew it was unhealthy to think about such things and remembered that they could sometimes catalyse an anxiety attack. Without meaning to, his hands were beginning to sweat and grow cold at the thought of an anxiety attack in the middle of the street, and he had to stop to lean his back against the wall for a few seconds before calming down became more difficult. He took a breath, placing the bags on the ground, and concentrated on controlling his nervousness until he could stop feeling that small, alarming sign of panic in his chest. He was only a few dozen metres from his building, how much more could he do to get to his flat? He had to try, he had to at least try to get to the entrance, so he did: he walked even though his legs were shaking and he clenched his bags in his fists as if he could hold on to them.

So he got to the door of the building, which as usual was open: he entered the bathroom on that floor and put the bags on the ground, hurriedly splashing water on his face and looking at himself to try to calm down. He took a breath and repeated a count from one to ten. He dried his face and closed his eyes for a while, until the pounding in his heart slowed.

After a couple of minutes, not a drop had fallen from his eyes. The water dampened his face but the worst was over; he let out a sigh that might even have been a smile. Leaving the bathroom, he took the stairs, his hands firmly gripping the shopping centre bags and his steps moving steadily towards his flat. Still, he preferred to walk up more slowly and even took the time on his way in to call Erin and ask how long it would take to get there yet. After entering the flat, he turned on the speakerphone for the call, and within a few tones of waiting, he heard knuckles rapping softly on his door.

He hadn't expected her to arrive just in time, but....

—Hey! —he heard as soon as he opened the door.

His eyes widened as if he'd seen a ghost at the entrance to his flat.

—Oh... Kai? 

And it was much more of an expression than a question. The younger man smiled reassuringly. 

—Why do you always look at me like you don't want to see me? —he asked comically. Oh, come on, Kai, me? Do you hear yourself?! Why do you always look at me like that?!

—Ah, I... no, no, it's not that, it's just that I didn't, I didn't expect you to come today. Uh, well, I mean, last night I didn't...

—Uh... yeah —he said apologetically, though not uncomfortably as perhaps Mason would have been in his position. As any normal person would have been, Mount thought— I'm sorry about that, I completely forgot to tell you —he added, scratching the back of his neck.

—Oh, well, no, no, no, don't worry, it's fine, it's just... —he replied, the look of confusion inevitably still on his face—. My God, you're a card —he laughed lightly.

—I don't know what that means —he smiled— Is that in a good way or a bad way?

Even I can't decide, Kai...

—Well, uh... —he smiled, averting his gaze helplessly— hey, wait, were you walking behind me or...?

—Eh, sort of... Well, actually, before anything else, uh, I noticed you were a little... Tired? Out there. Is everything okay, Mase?

He felt the heat on his face give away that he was embarrassed as soon as Kai mentioned that. And he knew he shouldn't be embarrassed, there was no reason to be embarrassed about something like that or to talk about mental health issues, but the environment he lived in wasn't exactly friendly to those subjects. He never expected one of his peers to understand anything about the things he was going through mentally, or why his process was not accelerated by simply ''trying to feel better'' or praying to some god. He didn't expect anyone to understand him when he didn't even understand himself, much less was he prepared to talk about it when a question like the one Kai had asked so suddenly came up.

He'd talked to Kai so much in the last few days, about so many things he'd barely talked to other people in his life, and yet, when his mind still wasn't fully recovered from that near-panic attack outside, he suddenly felt intimidated.

Would he have to lie and avoid that talk, or could he be honest with him, though perhaps more long questions would follow? He hadn't prepared himself to make that kind of decision that night.

—Well, uh, it's, it's a little...—he sighed— No, it's okay, I'm fine, I mean, it's just... problems… —he nodded, still hesitating whether he should say more. How should he act when a couple of days ago Kai had been in his flat talking until the late hours and a little while ago he'd been acting distant again— of anxiety. But I'm fine, don't worry, I really am.

—So, you're fine, right?

—Yeah, I am. If I'm honest, I think I've learned how to handle this, actually.—he said with a calmness that almost turned into a smile.

—Okay —he nodded in a friendly way— That's fine. I believe you.

Mason didn't respond immediately. Blue eyes scanned him and seemed to immediately notice the change in his expression. He had noted that, perhaps, Kai was learning to read his face very quickly. 

—All right —he repeated. Apparently, to his partner, that was funny—. Honestly, I didn't expect that answer,—he admitted then.

—Why?

—I don't know, uh, well, I guess I'm a little used to people around me not trusting that I'm okay when I tell them. I don't know if that's my fault too.

—I guess they just want you to really be okay,—he argued—. I kind of understand the logic of not believing it, but, I guess if it wasn't the truth, you'd tell me. 

—You really do trust me —he replied in surprise. I didn't mean to say that out loud.

—Are you implying that I shouldn't? —smiled the younger one. 

 —I, uh... —he hesitated. He had no idea what that was supposed to mean. He hadn't even fully digested the idea that Kai was visiting, as usually now, without informing him in advance— I think I am not good with words. And, for the record, you can certainly trust me to tell you the truth. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't tell just anyone about anxiety issues, you know? Obviously and... Uh, I, I, I think you should come in, actually, I don't know why I'm talking to you while you're outside my flat.

—I thought you'd never ask me in —he joked, brushing past him and starting to walk down the corridor—. It's funny, but I feel like you act a bit sillier when we're alone than when you're in 'footballer mode'. It's funny,—he laughed without looking at him. Mason was thankful he didn't, because his face couldn't hide an even more flustered expression at that comment.

—Well, you act a little different when we're together too, you know?

—Yeah, I know —he smiled, walking straight into the kitchen.

—Uh, well,—he added after some silence, as he followed him on his way to the counter. He could almost imagine his silhouette on it in the evenings sometimes, having seen him there so often in the last couple of weeks—... In fact, I was wondering if, you know, I should worry about it.

Havertz laughed calmly at his inquisitive look. What the hell?

—No, not at all. 

He didn't want to answer immediately, so he walked over to the fridge and pretended to be interested in what was inside it. He didn't want to answer until he was sure the other wasn't going to continue, but Kai's silence forced him to.

—Uh... right.

—Well, it's the truth really, I... you should know that... it's normal. Well, I mean, don't worry, it's really just that, like you said, I'm a bit stupid with words myself. It's nothing to worry about, but I think I should clarify that it's a lot easier to be closer when we're, uh, alone. 

Mason, who had improvised grabbing a glass of juice from the fridge, felt like he might have started coughing frantically like a cartoon, but he managed to maintain his nonchalant countenance. Could he suddenly change the subject? Was he scared? Was the shock noticeable? What the fuck did he have to...?

—Well, it's, uh, reasonable.

—I hope you don't find that harsh. —he apologized— If you do, well, it's, it's actually my bad, because...

—You don't have to worry —he replied quickly. He had no idea why Kai's voice suddenly made him feel like he couldn't afford to make him feel bad. If he thought about it, he was confused, but he didn't even want to make him uncomfortable, so why would he do that?— It's no problem, well, you know I like having you here, right? You... your presence is nice, uh, although... Why didn't you tell me earlier that you were coming today?

—If I'm being honest —he looked at him. Mason averted his eyes to the window. After all this time talking, he still wasn't making any progress on his nervousness when he looked at him like that— I wasn't planning on it. It's just, I think I realised a little earlier that I really wanted to see you. 

—Oh.

—I didn't know if I should, but, well, I guess when I saw you over there I thought maybe you'd like to talk a bit anyway.

—That's very kind of you —he thanked him. Suddenly his left hand was already caressing his own right arm—. I think I'm better now, I'm fine at the moment, actually, but you know you're always welcome here anyway.

—Thank you —he smiled—. Are you busy today?

—Busy? Could he be considered busy for that night? He had to keep in mind that when Erin arrived... and maybe Kai wouldn't care... but he could maybe...

—No, why?

—Well, I thought maybe I could hang out here and talk a little bit...

—Oh. Talk about something specific or...?

—Uh, no, just... just talk. I like to talk...

And though Kai didn't complete that sentence, Mason sensed, hoping to get it right, that he was specifically referring to talking to each other.

The skin of his hand felt the cold on the surface of the refrigerator he had closed and his palm pressed against the glass he was holding, now empty. He took another to offer Kai a glass of juice as well.

—I like that, too —he said with a smile, extending the drink to Havertz— I'm in for it. 

—I was nervous that you weren't —he admitted with a grin.

Nervous? Like he had been talking to him a few hours ago at Cobham? He had to swallow, and then feel like an idiot who didn't know what the hell he was doing about it. It was just Kai.

—So, about talking... How did you feel after the game over the weekend?

Kai smiled with some modesty. He had scored in the club's win against Wolverhampton.

—Well...

Mason still couldn't understand exactly what made time with Kai pass so quickly. He wondered if things were just like that with some people, if there were people with whom he didn't even need to think about what to talk about, what to say or plan his words, if it was a coincidence that with some people he didn't feel as if he had to know one another in order to tell them his whole life story.

Sometimes he had heard of having "a connection" with someone, and usually, based on his experiences, those relationships were forged over time and experience. With Kai it wasn't like that, and it was the first time he had ever experienced anything like that. There would be no way to guess that it would be under such particular circumstances that it would come to that.

—... It was a bit like living with strangers at times. My brothers and I were always a bit quiet, we played for hours together at home, but with other people it was awkward to hang out so much. I often didn't understand exactly what my teammates meant when they said I was weird.

—Did they... tell you that? —Mason asked.

—Yes, a fair amount of the time they did —he said, looking ahead with a small laugh.

They were both sitting on the kitchen floor now. Time had passed faster than they had imagined and at some point it occurred to Kai to climb down from on top of the cabinet and sit on the floor. In the middle of a conversation, without asking if he should do it or asking anything else, he had come down to sit on the floor and Mason simply didn't want to stop listening to him talk to ask him to go into the living room, so he decided to sit next to him and force himself to get over the fear of sitting so close to him.

Or so he had tried to.

Being next to him caused him a nervousness that, while he enjoyed in a way, he couldn't stand for so long, so he ended up settling into a different position so he could move away a bit and regain proper control of his hands, which previously kept clattering on the floor.

—Hey, that's... what a pain in the ass. I mean, seriously, don't laugh at it, it's really kind of rude to call someone that, who do people think they are when they say something like that?

—Are you angry with them? 

—Yes, I'd say I am,—he smiled, shrugging his shoulders— Aren't you?

—Well, it's been a long time, Mase, and besides, don't worry, it never really affected me much. I'm serious when I tell you that I never understood what it was about me that seemed weird to them. I was trying to fit in with everyone....

—People are just shit sometimes.

—I wouldn't want to judge them for it. I mean, I guess in a way you think I'm weird too, don't you?

—Uh, I mean... there's, there's some things that I can't deny that I've found to be peculiar about you, I can't deny that —he said in a friendly way— but they're nice even so. You're a person I definitely… —he hesitated. Not only because he remembered what he'd said to Jack in therapy and how strange the whole situation with Kai would probably sound to an outsider, but also because all the words he could complete that sentence with sounded too compromising and he didn't want them to come out of his mouth. It actually took him more than a couple of seconds to find his words— ... it's nice to have around. I would never try to push you away like your teammates in Leverkusen did, you know?

—I wouldn't be here at this hour otherwise, would I? —he smiled playfully. Mason couldn't help but smile in the same way at the sight.

—You're right... —He glanced at the clock hanging on the wall by the kitchen door. It was almost eleven o'clock at night. He'd forgotten all about the time... and even more about Erin.

—They weren't all that bad. I had friends too, don't worry.

—Oh —he said, getting up from his seat. He hoped he didn't sound rude; he should have told Kai when he arrived that Erin was coming to visit too— .... Uh, what were their names?

—My friends? Uh, they...

From the doorway, he could hear the door knock exactly the way Erin always knocked on it whenever she came to visit. Kai looked up at it immediately, with a startled expression that unintentionally made him feel far more nervous for him than for himself. From the doorway, the knocking caught both of their attention again.

—Uh, Kai... I forgot to tell you, uh, you remember my friend Erin? —the younger boy nodded, but his expression was the same— She, she told me she was coming over today, uh, actually, I forgot because, well, I was distracted, time flew by a little when you arrived, but, uh, actually I don't think she has a problem with....

 —Uh, Mase, I don't think it's right for me to stay...

—No, no, it's okay! It's okay, actually, it would be nice if you stayed...

—I think another day would be better, Mase.

—Kai, it's...

—I... I don't feel ready. It's... difficult.

—Oh. Oh, I get it, uh... well, I get it —he nodded, with a gentle little smile, before the noise from his door interrupted him—. I should, I should go open the door, but I'll be back in a second.

—It's not necessary...

—Don't worry, I'm sure Erin will understand —he said, and he was very sure of it.

He left for the front door at full speed, after all, he didn't want to leave Kai waiting for him for so long and make the moment more awkward than he sensed it would be. When he opened the door he found his best friend in pajama bottoms and about to send him the tenth text message announcing that she had arrived.

—Hey, mate, I've been here for almost two minutes!

—Oh, come on, you've waited longer.

—And I don't love it. Anyway, I brought a couple of doughnuts, there was no maple, so....

—Wait, wait, uh —he warned, holding her shoulder gently to keep her from coming in so quickly—. Er, uh... Kai came in a while ago and he's still here.

—You didn't mention that to me before.

—No, it's just that I didn't even know he was coming, okay? Look, honestly, I got distracted and forgot a little bit about everything...

—Oh, well, it's okay, it doesn't bother me. Why don't you invite him to stay?

—I did, but, well, the situation's a bit special, I think, I think he's got a bit of a conflict with, you know, some social anxiety I guess and I don't think it's the best thing to do on this occasion.

—I see... well, if that's the case, uh, okay —she nodded. Mason silently thanked with a smile— Yeah, well, okay, okay, uh, so, should I say goodbye to him or wait for...?

—No, no, I think it'd be fine if you just say goodbye, I guess he's leaving already, I don't want him to feel awkward or anything.

—Yeah, yeah, sure. Well, uh, I'll try to... —she cleared her throat and smoothed her hair as she walked past Mason into her flat. He closed the door he was still holding and exhaled to calm himself before turning around and following his friend. 

Erin headed towards the living room and then the kitchen, where Mason barely made it near the door before he ran into her again.

—Uh, where is he? —the blonde asked.

—He's not there?

She shook her head.

—Were you two in your room? —she asked with a smile.

—No, no, we were right here in the kitchen. I guess he must have gone upstairs, wait here.

—Okay, I guess —she laughed.

Mason would have been a lot more sorry and annoyed with his friend about the confusion if he hadn't been much more concerned about the consternation over Kai coming up to his room. He thought he'd wait for him in the kitchen or maybe sit in the living room or dining room, but going upstairs to his room was perhaps a bit more of a degree of social anxiety than he'd thought. 

And it was curious, again, how Havertz didn't act that way during practice.

—Kai? —he asked as he reached his room. The room looked lonely and absolutely quiet; all the lights on the upper floor were turned off.

The few pieces of furniture in his room again confirmed that it was completely empty, so he continued to the bathroom. It made sense, but to his surprise, it too was empty. He wondered to himself if it was still considerable as normal for his partner to have hidden under his bed, but he wasn't there either. He went downstairs immediately.

—Erin, are you sure Kai isn't down here?

—Yes. He's definitely not in the kitchen, and he's not here either —the taller one entered the kitchen as well, checked every corner of it and then walked through the living room. He even went to the dining room window where he could see outside and couldn't contain a confused expression from forming on his face when he could see that there was no one else there— Uh, Mase... I think he's really not here.

—But... —he said, walking to the opposite side of the kitchen to stand for a few seconds looking outside through the window. Erin watched him from the doorframe, waiting for him to continue talking. 

Mason, on the other hand, had completely forgotten what he was going to say, once he approached the glass and saw a note on a small table by the wall. Written on a napkin and in curiously good handwriting, the message read:

Sorry, I was too overwhelmed, but I'll make up for it! :)

Thanks for spending time with me, I really enjoy spending time with you.

Mason swallowed. He glanced at the window and for a moment all the questions that were going around in his head took a back seat to the shy uneasiness that flared in his mind and culminated in making his cheeks feel hot. He didn't know which feeling to process first, but boy was he confused.

Chapter Text

After games at Stamford Bridge, traffic in the city was always a mess, and even more so when they coincidentally clashed with the home games of Arsenal, causing a complete mess on London's main thoroughfares. The complex of buildings in which most of the young men in the team rented flats was not too far from the stadium, usually taking only twenty or thirty minutes to get home by bus, but on special occasions like that, the time could stretch to two whole hours, even when Ben had offered to give him a lift.

—Hey, Ben —Mason called from the passenger seat. He wasn't looking at him, but at the traffic, at the cars almost completely stopped next to them, perhaps to keep him from noticing that his curiosity was less casual than he intended to make it seem— Can I ask you a question?

The older man raised an eyebrow.

—Uh, sure. What's the matter?

—Well, it just occurred to me... How do you know if a person is neurodivergent? 

The horns of the cars around them blared from time to time over the music they were listening to, chosen by the car's owner, who lowered the volume a little before replying.

—You don't mean you, do you? 

—No! No, no, no, actually it's just a bit of a, a curiosity about someone else, okay?

—Well, I want to clarify first that it would be unethical to talk to you about this being about you, let alone right now.

—It's not about me, seriously, it's not.

—Okey —He nodded, as the car moved forward under the green light at the traffic light. —Well, it's a little hard to answer that one, Mase. Neurodivergences are, in fact, very diverse, so they have very different kinds of particularities, and there are levels of functionality between the different types of neurodivergences, so it's very difficult to define common characteristics. The only thing I could tell you is that all neurodivergent people have mental and cognitive processes that do differ from the norm, but they don't always affect the same interactions with other people. 

—Uh, so... Would it be possible for a neurodivergent person to have processes that affect...?

—Any aspect could be affected, but not necessarily in a negative way, just different from other people.

—And they... Do they realise that they are different?

—They can, it depends very much on the way their mental and cognitive processes work. Also, if they do, some neurodivergent people make great efforts to hide the characteristics of their neurodivergence in their relationships with other people.

—Oh. Hiding it to prevent people from knowing that they are neurodivergent? 

—Yes, just as some people hide their ethnicity or sexual orientation, but that also depends on whether they want to do it or not. Some people find it too burdensome to have to do it all the time and may simply decide not to do it.

—Or do it only sometimes?

It made sense the way he had imagined it, and yet, taking into account the differences Ben had just mentioned, he felt completely inexperienced enough to even believe that he was now sure of the reasons for Kai's behaviour. It could explain a lot of things, but he wasn't going to ask Kai, was he?

—Yes, or only sometimes —he nodded. The older man was silent for a few seconds as they moved through traffic, but he had to speak again, this time looking at Mason— So, are you going to tell me who this is about?

—Uh, well... It's, it's something I've been trying to start talking to Jack about in therapy, I don't know if he's told you anything about it.

—We don't do that, dumbass —he laughed— He hasn't talked to me about any of it, at all, so I'm listening.

—It's bullshit, honestly, and I’m a bit embarrassed talking abut boy problems, but it’s Kai. Kai Havertz. 

—Oh. You think he might be neurodivergent?

—Well, there are a lot of things that make me wonder... stuff about him.

— "Stuff"? So there are updates on this, huh? —he smiled— I'm ready to hear all about it.

—As a psychologist or as a professional busybody?

—As your best mate who you might want to give an update on your life. 

—Well, I definitely owe you that, but it's not my fault, you should take me home more often after games —he joked, changing the music in the car to one of the suggestions he'd added to the playlist. At the same time, he took advantage of that space of silent time to plan his next words— I think... Maybe I should tell you all over again from the beginning, now that more things have happened.

—You're killing me with curiosity, Mase.

Mason wasn't an expert at summing things up, and though he'd tried in the previous session with Jack, now that he was under no time pressure whatsoever, he'd been able to tell Ben everything he felt about it, every detail he'd noticed since meeting Kai and how much was really going through his mind when he was with him. From the time when he'd wondered how much he could follow his instincts back when he still thought he'd dreamt it all, to now, when his visits had been a regular occurrence for a couple of weeks now and he felt much less and less surprised to see him show up on his doorstep, though his heartbeat didn't take it quite so quietly.

It took a while and some extra explanation to make Ben understand, but he managed after a while.

—You mean...? Okay, I'm not going to assume anything, so... How do you feel about him? —Ben asked. They were now in the living room of Mount's flat after finally arriving in the building only a couple of minutes ago. On the clock, the hands read eleven o'clock at night, the television was showing some reality show they weren't paying attention to, and in front of them both rested two glasses of juice.

—Uh, well, I mean, I haven't wondered about that at all. Who does?

—Everybody, Mason —he smiled. 

—Well, I don't know, I mean... Uh, okay, I think Kai's nice, he's a good person and... I like him a lot, he's someone really nice to be around —he said, shrugging. He didn't notice the insistent look Ben gave him after he said that, until it turned into a sneer— I don't have anything else to say, Ben, I, I think he's really cool.

—Well, if that's what feels right for you to say, that's fine. I think it's safe to say you're friends now, don't you?

—Uh, yeah, I think so. Yeah, we are. 

—Well, I'm glad. It's been a while since you've had a new friendship, and especially over the time your psychological process has taken. I think it's a positive development.

—Yes, well, the problem isn't really there. It's clear to me that we're friends, I suppose, but... I just wonder why he pretends that we're not sometimes. I wonder why he acts so different sometimes, in general, because it doesn't make sense in my mind, you know? And that makes me think that maybe his mind and my mind are different, I guess.

—Well, no two people are the same, Mase. So, do you think this could all be a sign that he's a neurodivergent person?

—I don't know, you're the psychologist. 

Ben didn't hide a wry chuckle at the comment.

—I'm a psychologist, not a fucking fortune teller, man —he said, pushing aside the ice cubes so he could sip from his glass— If you wanted to get a proper diagnosis, I'd have to diagnose him directly, and that would probably take some time. But, listen, it shouldn't necessarily have to be about neurodivergence, it could just be the way he is, or there could be some cultural reason, although it's also possible that he is indeed neurodivergent. Actually, I think it's important for you to know that, whatever the reason for his behaviour, that's not the issue here, the issue is how you feel about it.

His words, followed by a long silence, echoed in the other's mind. And his gaze could not help but sadden as he remembered that perhaps this was something he should worry about, or at least think about. He had been avoiding it, and he liked the idea of continuing to avoid it better.

—Uh... I mean, I... it's confusing to me. It obviously baffles me at times, but, really, I don't think he has any wrong motive for this. I don't want to misjudge him, anyway. Besides, why would I have to think about it so much? We're just friends, you know?

—Yeah —he smiled— I know, you're friends, that was clear to both of us the entire way. But, you know, Mason, people worry about their relationship with their friends too, it's normal.

—Yeah, well... I know. I know, it's just... It's a bit confusing, that's just because Kai is actually quite a strange person.

—Is that good or bad?

—It's weird. But I like spending time with him.

—Well, if he's here so often, he probably likes to spend time with you too. Relax —he smiled kindly. His mate, sitting across from him, was silent for a few seconds, his hand twirling his phone on the table. Sometimes, that kind of thought reminded him that maybe he made things a lot bigger in his mind—. Hey, but he's not coming to visit you right now, is he?

Mason smiled.

—No, no. I don't think so, he didn't say anything to me about it —he was about to remain silent without another word, but something inside him was urging him to talk more about it. Maybe it was his own mind, and if he was going to think about his teammate, maybe he'd rather do it with someone else— Hey, can I tell you something?

—You know you can, what's going on? 

—Sorry to keep going on about it, but... well, last week... 

In fact, the last week had been full of unexpected visitors. Mason had never been a fan of spontaneity, and now that he was starting to get his life back on track with a routine of housekeeping and personal hygiene, it was especially important for him to try to know exactly when Kai would visit, but it wasn't easy at all. 

Although Mason often tried to talk to him with the intention of determining it, not asking directly was a first obstacle, and the second was how elusive Kai could be when it came to having a conversation. Perhaps that was one of his most consistent personality traits at any given time of day, whether in the privacy of Mason's flat or surrounded by all his colleagues at Cobham: Havertz could be extremely vague in speech, evasive in response, and above all, too polite for any of those things to become a problem.

Thus, the answers were always too simple to infer from them whether he was going to visit or when it would happen, but pressing him to be exact could even sound rude or aggressive, and as far as Mason was concerned, he didn't want to risk inconveniencing one of the few people who were now so constant in his life that they kept him busy and, frankly, in a better mood than what he'd grown accustomed to in recent months. 

He wasn't at his best every day, that was true, but when he could spend time with Kai in the evenings, he could secure at least a little time in his day where he knew he would have fun and not have to think about anything other than telling his opinions, thoughts and his entire life to his teammate, as well as listening to Kai's.

And maybe Havertz wasn't the funniest or most expressive person on the nights he'd spent with him so far, but he made him laugh a little too often, a little more than he should. He attributed it to the simplicity and ease of hanging out with him; his mother had once told him that when things worked with a person, no amount of explaining would suffice: sure, they still didn't quite flow during the day, sometimes they barely exchanged words during practice or even in the team games they'd played together, but there was at least some peace of mind in knowing that by the next time he showed up at his flat none of that would matter, because Kai would once again keep him company as if he'd known him all his life, because Kai was a strange person and that was the only way he had to describe it.

—You really like seeing him, huh? —Erin asked from beside her phone on loudspeaker. She was making herself a whole plate of nachos as she waited for the clearly dubious answer her best friend would give her.

—Uh, well... I mean, sure, well, it's like seeing you...

—Me? —she asked raising her eyebrows.

—Or Ben. Anyway, I mean, well, he's a really fun person and I, I have a good time with him. Besides, it's not like I mind him coming to my flat earlier. The first time he showed up much later.

—The first time he committed home invasion? —she laughed.

—Yes, that time.

—Sorry, it's funny, —she excused herself, avoiding laughing again. She cleared her throat before speaking again— Uh, well, then how do you feel about his visits being more frequent now?

I'm so fucking happy about it. 

—Uh... I mean, that, that's fine for me too.

Maybe it would be nice if he was here every day. I'm liking being around him every day. How hard was it to tell his best friend things as they were going through his mind? And why the hell was he thinking that? And why was he scared to be thinking it? There was nothing strange about spending time with him. 

Mason, you're genuinely driving yourself crazy.

—Fine? Does that mean you like it or not?

—I like it. It's... it's good for my mood, I think. 

—Oh... 

—I mean, Er, I feel good when he's here. I actually have a lot of fun spending time with Kai, he's a nice person and I think... I think I like seeing him.

Mason sighed as quietly as he could as he turned away from the phone for a second. It was a dull Tuesday afternoon, but his flat needed to be as clean as possible; the next day they would be travelling to the other side of the country for one of the local cup games, so getting back might take up to three days, after which he didn't want to see any bugs inside his home.

Meanwhile, in the building across the street, Erin was trying to spoon the last remnants of cheddar cheese out of a can in her fridge, still waiting for Mason to say more. She only gave up waiting once the inside of the can wouldn't allow her spoon to scoop out any more.

—Why do you sound so unsure about that?

—I'm not unsure.

—Mase...

—Well, I don't know. I don't know. I don't even know, but I know you're thinking dumb shit right now.

—Hey, I'm not saying anything —she replied quickly—. You know we joke around like that, but, seriously, I would never assume something that you're not telling me, because I trust that if something was going on in your mind, you'd tell me. Because you're my best mate.

Mason was silent, taking the time to carefully arrange each of the vinyl records he collected in the appropriate space of the cabinet in front of his living room. He had been cleaning it carefully for a while now. 

He hesitated about what he should answer, how he should answer, or if perhaps he didn't have to answer at all. And he decided after a few seconds that he had no reason to think so much about those things when on the other end of the line was the one person who knew absolutely everything about him and who would not hesitate to talk to him about anything that happened in her life. He exhaled before answering.

—Er, you're right. I'm sorry, it's a little...

—...weird, I know. I understand, your mind still has a lot to think about, and I know it's not easy at all.

—It's hard to understand even myself. And... —he sighed, leaning his forehead against the smooth wooden edge in front of him— Well, if I have to be honest, I can tell you that, you know? I'm actually really glad that Kai is coming around more and more often. I like him a lot. And that's how I feel about it. I think he's a very strange person and, honestly, in a way it's a little bit... addictive to try to unravel the mystery that he is.

—So that's the new addiction you're into —she smiled. Mason did the same as he listened to her, stopping his wiping hand to go over those words in his mind. And they kept making him smile.

—I guess it is. 

—Mhm. It's much healthier than your previous addiction to crying —she laughed—. So the main reason you like seeing him is curiosity? Because he's a mysterious person, I can see that.

—He's a mysterious person, exactly. In a way, I wish it was all clearer, but at the same time, it's nice that it's not, because it's... it's exciting, you know? I feel excited. Now I feel excited about the team and this season, and I thought the worst obstacle would be everything to do with my personal life. And it still is, but the fact that Kai is becoming a part of my life in this way brings a little bit of nice things to that.

—It's a mystery that you like.

—Yeah... I mean, well, that sounds a bit weird, it's just... it's just... it's nice, yeah. Actually, you know, the worst thing about it is that I don't, I don't know why I have all this discomfort about talking about it or why I care so much about it, I don't know why it takes up so much of my head, I mean, he's just a friend who's a weird guy, isn't he?

—It's a friend you just met this summer who out of the blue decided to keep you company in your own flat during the wee hours of the morning. Pretty strange, to be honest.

—I think I've told him too much about myself.

—And he's told you too much too, innit?

—Yeah, well, now it's like I've known him for a long time I don't know how the hell I've shared so much with him, it's just that I feel like... I trust him. I don't know, he hasn't done anything wrong so far and he's a great person too.

—Why do you say that? —she smiled. 

—Well, he's really kind. He's a very understanding and honest person, he's not someone who wants to pretend things and his personality is genuine, his feelings and his thoughts are genuine; I don't know why, but he's been very open with me and he's told me everything about himself without expecting me to do the same or pressuring me for it, but I've done it because I really feel confident when we're together.... I like talking to him because he always has the right words and I think he cares about me, I guess that's why I care about him too and I'm glad he's starting to do well in the team, I... I want him to do well. Besides, I don't know, these past few weeks I've just felt like I really enjoy the routine of coming home and fixing everything to wait for him to come over, focusing on those things and getting an adrenaline rush when I see him, because... —he smiled, not even thinking about what he was saying— He's someone you easily cherish and want to be around. He's fun to be around.

Sometimes, Erin noticed the way Mason knew the answers to his own questions and came to them without meaning to. She was silent as he finished chewing the nacho in his mouth, though his smile was dying to escape his lips.

—I think you answered yourself why you care so much about it. You like him. It happens, Mase —she shrugged, and even when Mason couldn't see her, he knew she had— Are you sure you're just curious about him?

I can't lie to you, mate. The first time I saw him I thought it was a trick of my mind to fulfil my desire for some romantic moment with a guy. And I don't know if that should mean anything now.

—I'm not sure. I'm not, I can only assure you of that —she couldn't help but laugh at his response—. If I'm honest, I don't even know if I'd like to find out more than that.

—Huh? Why?

—Because that... —he sighed, setting aside the towel he was wiping the surfaces with to lie down on the carpet behind him. His torso was propped up by his elbows and his phone remained on his chest. On speakerphone, Erin repeated the same question— ...because that could be problematic. That could bring problems that I don't want, that I don't even want to think about.

—Problems? I mean, well, you don't have to do anything with that information, man. I mean, you can find out more than curiosity and that doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. 

—Er, the problem is that finding something is a burden in itself. It's a mental burden that, honestly, I don't want to have to face, I don't want to do it because of how heavy it would be for me and because I have no idea whether Kai...

He stopped himself before continuing to speak when he noticed what he was about to say. Those kinds of topics were the ones that ran like intrusive thoughts through his mind at speeds that never allowed him to reflect on them. They were the kind of questions that he normally pushed away from his mind so far that they could not even become words, because they were scary, and he did not want to alter his mind. 

Jack had instructed him quite effectively how to avoid as much as possible those thoughts that could alter his mood in abrupt ways, and although there were still times when he could not avoid them, he had made an effort to train himself in the last few months to do so. This was one of those thoughts that he knew could alter his mood in ways he did not have the strength to control. He did not want to ignite the flame of a problem he did not want to have to extinguish later.

There were still too many emotions fresh in his tired mind to add anything more, and whether Kai might have the same kind of thoughts as him was a question that could start to ruin everything. 

—I think I know what you were going to say....

—I'd rather you didn't know.

—Mase, I'm your friend. I'm your best friend, come on.

—It's just embarrassing.

—It doesn't have to be. Besides, hey, you don't know. Don't you think he might...? Well, you know. You two have talked a lot, haven't you? And, hey, what kind of fella decides to casually go spend time every night talking to his teammate?

—Well, I guess we're mates.

—Mase, you and I are friends. Don't you think that means something about Kai? 

—It's just hard to tell, because he's kind of a... he's not a very expressive person, and he's also not that aware of what the things he does mean, I mean, he still doesn't realise that it's weird for him to come into my flat without telling me —he smiled. He heard Erin's laughter from the speaker.

—Who knew, huh? —the blonde commented comically— He looks like a badass German and apparently he's... quite a card.

—He is. He's quite a card.

In his silence, with his eyes on the ceiling, the background sound of the television and Erin eating at the phone call, he thought about the last time he'd said that to her. He thought about how strangely relieving it was to see him in his flat so completely out of the blue and how much his presence felt right. Not like an intruder, not awkward after almost having a panic attack, didn't feel like the effort he had to make every time he went to socialise with someone. On that occasion, and on every occasion when Kai knocked or even when he didn't, it felt natural to be with him.

How could something so strange be so right?

—Hey, Romeo, I have an assignment for you —Erin said, interrupting his thoughts—. If it's such an important thing to know, uh... what's going on with him... well, you know what you need then?

—Hm?

—Find out! That's what you need, so is he coming to visit you today?

—Uh, I don't know. He came yesterday, so I'm not sure, but he's been coming more frequently this week, so... —he looked at the time on his screen— It's nine o'clock, maybe he'll be here soon, if he does. Shit, I haven't even done skincare and stuff....

—Well, if he's going to see you today, why don't you try asking him some questions that might enlighten you on all this? You could ask casual questions about his past relationships, or what kind of people he prefers to date, you know, without sounding pushy. In fact, why don't you try asking him out?

—Hey, well, let's just calm down a little bit —he said, leaning back on the carpet— I didn't say at any point that I want to go out with him or anything, we're friends and that's... Fine. Besides, I don't want to scare him off or anything, I think you've noticed that he's kind of shy and the least I'd want is for him to feel uncomfortable around me.

—Come on, you know him better than I do, just try to do everything at his pace. He seems to really like you and you like him, wouldn't you two want to go out one of these nights and talk somewhere other than your flat for the first time?

Mason watched the shadows the curtains and the light outside cast on his ceiling for a few seconds, wondering over and over again what he was doing with his life and if this was one of those risks he'd told Erin he wasn't ready to take. Why did everything have to be a risk? Why did he have to make so many decisions? Was that part of the process?

—All right, all right, I'm going to give it a try, okay?

And they were there again. That same night, without Mason having had a chance to check his social media to see what Kai was up to or even consider sending him a message, the younger boy had barely waited for the moon to rise in the sky before knocking on his door at just after half past ten in the evening.

Mason had set it all up, maybe even more than he was going to allow himself to admit to him, and it embarrassed him a little, but something inside him really wanted to surprise Kai. Why? He didn't know, and he didn't plan on inquiring.

—Well, I won't keep you waiting any longer. I bought some new biscuits, maybe you'll like them.

—I'd like to find out.

No more words were needed, no more signs, nothing else at all. It was like a code they both understood at this point of seeing each other so frequently, and Mason could even tell that he now recognised Kai's habits like his gestures or tones in his voice when he spoke. 

He immediately followed him down the hallway to the kitchen, as a smile crossed his face and his hand reached into the cupboard for the new box of biscuits he'd gotten that morning.

—I honestly didn't expect you to come today, thinking we'd be flying early tomorrow, —he smiled as he faced him again. He felt how immediately, as soon as their eyes connected, the boldness to speak first disappeared and he was intimidated. Was it those clear blue eyes, or was it the impression that he was closer to him than he expected.

—Honestly, I wasn't sure I'd be around either, —he said, taking one of the biscuits from the box.

—Hey, they're for coffee!

—I can take it back if you want —he said kindly. He didn't eat the biscuit, but his fingers held it close to his mouth.

—Oh, no, don't worry, you can keep it. I mean, they're for you anyway.

—So you were expecting me to come?

—Uh, well, maybe I just manifested you and the biscuits were part of that —he laughed. 

—Manifest? What does that mean?

—Oh, come on —he said, turning to look at him—. There must be mystical girls in the Hürtgen Forest —Kai shrugged and finally finished the last piece of biscuit he had. Mason couldn't help but smile, because as strange as it could be at times, explaining that sort of thing to Kai was like showing him the world and watching his curiosity turn to smiles every time. He liked that—. Uh, well, manifesting is something people say when, when you think too much about something you want to happen and then, coincidentally, the world seems to give you that thing you wished for. And then it happens, you just manifested it.

Havertz gave him an amused look and nodded at his words. Although he was pleased to see the gesture, Mason forced himself to look again at the coffee pot and the contents he was pouring into it. He picked up the pair of cups he used whenever he and Kai drank tea or coffee.

—So you've been thinking about me a lot.

His hands suddenly froze; still, as much as he felt the need to rush to explain himself, he also felt like laughing at the obviousness he was revealing.

—Yes —he turned to look at him again. A smile was waiting for him on the other's face—. Yes, I have, actually.

—I do that too.

Damn, the damn tickle in his stomach that seemed to choke the words in his throat.

He dared to ask.

—Even in training?

Kai stood up and walked over to stand next to him. Mason felt his heartbeat quicken, while his mind kept repeating over and over again that he needed to calm down.

You're acting crazy with your friend. He's a friend, damn it.

—Would you really want me to think about you all day? 

—I asked first.

Kai shook his head in a comical gesture, the mirth not fading from his face. 

—Sometimes I do. Sometimes I do it all the time.

How the hell should I interpret that? What does that mean? What the hell is this escalating to?! Is it supposed to be normal to talk about your friends like that?! Kai's never normal, anyway, and I think I like that.

—Well, that... 

—I'm not going to say any more about it, okay? —Kai warned—. Now it's your turn.

—Oh, are we going to play this?

—That's another question. I can do two now.

—Okay, but I'll answer first. So, first: no, I wouldn't want you to think about me all day, though perhaps a chat or two in Cobham would be nice, —he smiled— and, second; okay, let's play then, but I'd rather it be in the living room than standing here in my kitchen.

—Don't you like it here? You have a very nice kitchen. 

—Ah, well, I know you like my kitchen a lot —he joked, extending the coffee cup to him.— Careful, it's hot. Well, I guess it looks nice, but I don't usually spend much time in here.

—Okay, I have my first question: Why did you choose this flat? It's very nice, but I don't see that you're too interested in it.

Mason laughed and shook his head. He hesitated a bit before answering, and though that little bit of nervousness made him want to sit down on the piece of furniture behind him, he refused to do so.

—Are you sure you want to know about it? It's... a short and boring story, really.

Kai smiled.

—You've never told me anything that I find boring. 

I guess he really likes listening to me. Is it possible it's not about listening to me but...? 

Fuck, Mason, enough with that bullshit, are you crazy?

—Well, uh... It's kind of stupid, now that I think about it, but, well, you know? Last year I started playing with the main team, Premier League, and all of a sudden I got a much higher salary than I was getting before. Okay? Not high, it's just that I'd never earned that kind of salary before. I used most of it to give to my family and to a charity foundation, but then I thought maybe I could also use it to live somewhere more comfortable.

—Where did you live before that?

—There are some shared apartment buildings a few blocks from Cobham. My friend, Erin, and I lived in shared flats with some of the guys and girls from the U21 teams. It wasn't bad, but we didn't have a lot of privacy, you know? Sometimes I wanted to be able to have a place to take my parents and my siblings when they were in London, somewhere I could call my home. And then Erin told me she was moving into one of the flats across the street from here.

—A place to call home. Sounds nice. This is definitely a home, I think.

—Why do you think so? —he smiled. He'd never seemed to be able to make it feel that way to himself.

—Well, it's absolutely everything you'd need; a comfortable bedroom with a big bathroom, a spacious living room, huge television, a dining room with a view of the city, your kitchen with a beautiful window! It's a lovely flat.

—Well, yeah... I guess you're right, it's a nice place, I can't deny it, although I didn't really think much about it when I chose it —he admitted with a laugh—. I just went after Erin, to be honest.

—Oh, I would have thought you'd want to live together, though I guess it's not the privacy you were looking for.

—No, I mean, sure, it wouldn't have been a problem to bring my parents to where I was living with Erin, but, you know, it was out of the question. She'd already agreed to rent with a couple of the girls on the team, and besides, her parents are kind of overprotective; they weren't going to let her move in with me. They think she should get married before living with a man —he laughed.

—And you guys...?

—Huh? Oh, no! No, no, no, no, not at all!  No, no, uh, we are friends, best friends. Actually, we, we're almost like brother and sister, actually.

Why the hell did I put it that way?

—Oh, I see —he smiled.

—Yeah, actually, she's more interested in one of her teammates —he said with a laugh. He took the opportunity to discreetly assess Kai's expression at that statement: he was relieved to find a positive reaction, a surprised but amused smile.

—In all of them or...?

—Just one, just one, but that's classified information —he warned—. Don't worry, I'm not telling you anything that everyone in the club doesn't know, anyway.

—Well —he smiled— I don't want to be nosy, but I hope she can get that girl so it was worth it not to live together. Your flat's too big for one person —he gestured around him. 

Mason shook his head and couldn't help but laugh with some embarrassment. It was true that he hadn't put much thought into choosing a flat to live in; being close to Erin's building, having several mirrors, and a large bed were his only requirements for choosing what had been his home for almost a year now. And yet, it felt as lonely as it had on the first day.

At first it had seemed like a privilege to have so much space to himself, but he couldn't deny that when the feeling of loneliness had become an unwanted constant in his life, he often wished for company in his flat, and not just for the sake of sharing a rent payment.

—You're right, it is. I didn't make the most conscious choice when I rented it, to be honest with you. But, hey, these big windows are worth it, aren't they?

—You chose it for that reason?

—Hey, you've got more questions than I've counted —he smiled—. OK, I've counted about five. But as a bonus, no, I actually chose it because I didn't want to be that far away from Erin and because I could check my hair in all the crystals in this house. 

—Okay, I'm satisfied. It's your turn to ask.

—Okay. First question, can we go sit down? I don't know about you, but my legs are exhausted after the training.

—All right, I agree.

He was finally able to take a breath, once Kai stepped back to allow him to turn around and grab the biscuits and a cup of coffee. He pretended not to notice the shivers on the back of his neck as Kai approached from behind him to take the other cup of coffee and wait for him to be the one to lead the way into the living room. 

They sat on the carpet, their legs crossed and their mugs at their sides. The biscuits were placed in the middle and the lamps next to the armchairs were turned on as well.

Between the light from these, the illumination from outside and the darkness of the room, he felt safe enough to let himself be in front of Kai, not worrying about what he might see. He didn't feel like he had to worry about his reactions, like he had to pretend otherwise, he wasn't even afraid to give wrong answers anymore, and that had to mean something.

—Well, now you're more comfortable to ask.

—You sound nervous.

—I am —Kai admitted with a smile—. I don't think I've ever been... like this, in front of you before.

—What? You've got to be kidding, we talk all the time here, literally every time you come here we talk like this.

—No, we don't. I mean, yes, of course we talk, but we're never like this... I mean, facing each other, your eyes are never that fixed on me, are they? They make me kind of nervous.

Kai was only partially right. While it was true that, though Mason hadn't noticed, they were almost never facing each other when they talked, let alone looking into each other's eyes, it wasn't true that his eyes were never that fixed on him.

Kai didn't know it, but it was quite the opposite, because every time in those long conversations Mason took the time to listen to him intently, he couldn't help but turn to watch him discreetly, at least to watch him as his lips moved and those stories came out of them like casting a spell that kept him completely lost in his features, in his face, in how pleasant it was to watch him until Kai could notice it and then turn his eyes away to pretend he wasn't looking at him. Kai didn't know it, but his eyes were always fixed on him like that. Was it more Havertz's eyes that were resting so intently on Mason for the first time? Was that nervousness an involuntary way in which the German admitted how nervous his teammate made him?

Mason couldn't help but smile at the very thought of that possibility.

—I guess you're kind of right —he shrugged—. Would you prefer it if I wasn't looking at you?

—No. No, I don't think so. 

—Why not? —he asked with a smile. 

—I don't know. Somehow, it's not something that's uncomfortable.

—But you said it made you nervous.

—Well, it's different being nervous than being uncomfortable. I mean, I guess there's uncomfortable nervousness and there's enjoyable nervousness. I think this is the second kind of nervousness.

He thought about it. He wanted so badly to tell Kai that he felt exactly the same way about being this close to him, that he didn't even have to explain the feeling to him. 

—Yes. I think I know exactly what you mean.... 

—Have you felt that?

—I've felt it. Quite a lot, I think.

—I think I feel it more often.

—With me?

—I don't know exactly what to answer to that. 

—Why?  

—I think you're out of questions. In fact, you owe me one, actually.

—Oh, come on, Kai! 

—Fair play, Mase —he grinned.

Mason knew he could have argued with that. His curiosity begged him to do so and dig even deeper into what Kai really thought about it and what the hell it was that kept him from easily answering that question, however, there was another part of himself that felt that perhaps it was better that he didn't continue to ask. Perhaps the mystery was interesting too, because, as Kai had described it, it made him nervous in a good way.

After all, mystery was one of the most distinctive parts of Kai, and it was that part that kept him on the edge of his seat every time he thought about him, every time he spent time with him, and every time he learned more about him.

And he wanted to know everything. He wanted to know more and more about him, and it was so addictive that it felt like a book he couldn't put down. How was it possible to feel that way about a person? Never before had he met someone who made him feel that adrenaline rush when he saw him appear, or who made him want to talk for hours and hours. Hell, even that desire to keep all his mysteries locked away if it meant being able to keep him around longer.

Of course he liked having him around, and of course he wished he was around more often. He was sure that if Erin was listening, she would have told him he was in love with Kai.

The carpet in his living room was thick and padded enough to be comfortable for a while, even a long while, but even the most comfortable carpet wouldn't have prevented the tingling in his legs from not having shifted his position enough for almost two hours while the conversation with Kai went on and on. He couldn't blame himself; for a while, he hadn't even been aware of the strange position in which his legs were bent, or at least not until Kai had pointed out that the position was abnormal to begin with.

Never before had any of his acquaintances pointed it out to him, perhaps because he hadn't even been in the situation of having such a long conversation with one of them practically sitting on the floor, 

—Hey, Mase, by the way —said the youngest, before taking the last sip of coffee from his cup— You've been sitting like that for a while now, aren't you uncomfortable?

—Uh, first of all, that will count as a question —he warned. He had to laugh afterwards, once he met his teammate's protesting gesture— but, for the sake of argument, what do you mean by 'like that'?

—Uh, well... like that, the way you're sitting. I mean, most people don't sit on their own leg, you're literally putting the weight of your entire body on your own poor foot —he said comically, as he pointed to the limb Mason was sitting on.

It didn't seem strange to him, all his life he had used that position when sitting on the floor, it was even his habit to sit like that when he ate at home. He usually avoided sitting that way in public places, as his mother had told him countless times as a child that he shouldn't do it, but personally, he found it the most comfortable position when it came to eating. Somehow, bending one of his legs so that his knee was pointing outwards and his ankle and side of his foot supported the weight of the rest of his body was not at all uncomfortable for him, even if Kai was looking at his posture as if there was a goblin under his ass.

—Oh, yeah, I see what you mean, well this... it doesn't really seem that strange to me, you know? Ever since I was a kid I've felt comfortable this way, but, now that you mention it, certainly my parents used to tell me not to do it, especially when we were with other people.

—Well, it doesn't bother me or anything —Kai clarified— Don't worry, it's just that I was a little worried that you were getting too tired or hurting yourself unintentionally.

—Oh, no, don't worry. It's actually very comfortable for me, I usually sit this way to eat —he smiled.

—Really?

—Yes, really. I guess it has to do with the fact that I was never very tall as a kid, the tables were never at the right height to allow me to eat comfortably, so I found it easier to sit on my own feet to be at the right height.

—That's lovely, honestly.

—Yeah, I guess you never had to go through that, did you? I mean, I guess you weren't a short child, were you? —he smiled.

—Uh, well... —Kai muttered, imitating the smile he was flashing at him. He looked down at the ground for a moment, trying to keep that cheerful gesture, though not saying anything else. Mason couldn't help but notice the silence, despite trying to cover it up and not make Kai uncomfortable— I don't know, honestly.

—Oh, uh, sorry, it was just a comment, I...

—No, no, I mean, I think... I guess I wasn't, it's just that I, I don't think I remember it well.

—You don't remember how tall you were as a child?

—Uh, I don't think so —he smiled sheepishly—. It must be a bit silly, but I don't really know, I guess. But, well, I guess you're right, I was probably a tall kid.

—Well, I don't think you've grown such long legs in a short time —he joked, eliciting an amused gesture from the other. Havertz rearranged his body closer to Mason so he could push his arm playfully from the spot beside him on the carpet— I'm just telling the truth!

—Hey! And what are you doing staring at my long legs?

—Ah, I mean, well, it's one of the most remarkable things about you, I suppose, and your eyes.

—What about them?

Mason swallowed saliva as he looked down at his side, even though the smiles wouldn't disappear from both of their faces. An automatic response could come out of the older man's mouth: he could say that they were very peculiar, that the first time he'd seen them he hadn't been able to get out of his mind how clear and blue they were, so much so that they seemed to be able to see right through him and he couldn't tell if that was more fascinating or intimidating, but that wasn't an appropriate response, was it? 

It wouldn't have been appropriate to say that to Kai, and he had to think carefully about what to answer if he planned at one point that night to ask him out somewhere in a different situation, out of his flat and perhaps in the evening light.

—Uh, no, I mean, there's nothing wrong, I — Kai and those deep set eyes were looking at him only so many inches away, now from his side on that carpet and Mount felt like he could say so many things he'd regret —... I meant that, well, they're, they're pretty, uh, blue. They're pretty blue.

Kai smiled. 

—Well, I think I knew that —he said comically, taking a biscuit from the bowl in front of them, a moment Mason took the opportunity to sigh quietly.

God, Mason, could you have said anything more obvious? Fuck it, at this point I'm going to blow it all. Is it better to go forward and fall or stand still and fall anyway?

—I mean, well, they're, they're quite memorable.

—I see —he said cheerfully, as he leaned his back against the corner of the couch behind him. 

Mason shifted his gaze to him again, he could feel his breathing quickening knowing his partner was so close and yet not wanting to lean his back to be closer to him, because if he did he might not be able to hold his gaze anymore and he didn't know what else might happen. Hell, it was all escalating so fast, and those feelings in his chest weren't something he could hide from himself anymore, not when the emotions were so strong they made him want to scream.

Or maybe just get closer to Kai and know what would happen if he did.

—I'm glad —he nodded— because I'm not the best one with words.

—I knew that too —he said amused— But, hey, what can I tell you? I'm not really an expert at communicating either, am I?

—You're good —he said sincerely, and he couldn't hold back the smile that came over his face as he said that— At least it's fine with me, even if your preferred time to talk is always at night.

—Sorry about that. Maybe I should be less impudent; I want to avoid bothering you as much as I can, but you're the only person I want to talk to frequently.

Shit, shit, control your fucking heartbeat or it's going to burst out of your chest any second. Act normal, do something, distract yourself.

—No, come on, don't worry, I mean, it's not that late —he hurried to say, a nervous laugh wanting to escape during every word as he watched the time on the screen of his phone. 1:15 A.M— Well, right now I'd probably be binge watching some show if you weren't here, so I don't lose any sleep when you come over.

—You miss a binge watch of some show.

—I'd rather talk to you —he smiled. It took him only a second to realise that that answer had actually come out of his mouth and hadn't just been a thought. Shit, shit, shit, Mason, what an idiot — I'd rather talk, uh, talk to other people is good for my mental health, I think. It, it makes me feel better.

—Sounds reasonable —he agreed, and that look on his face told Mason that Kai had probably understood a lot more than he'd intended to say in that sentence. Of course, Havertz wasn't a fool either— I'm glad you're feeling better, Mase. Still, I don't want to cause too much trouble and, well, now that you mention it, I think it's a bit late —he said, sitting up in his place and picking up the mug he'd left in front of him a while ago.

—Well, yeah, a bit, although, like I said, I don't really sleep this early anyway....

—Hey, but we have a flight tomorrow, and if we have to be there early, I'd better let you sleep early —he smiled. He placed the cup on the coffee table and stood up, leaning back in the armchair.

Mason was about to follow him and get up beside him, but no sooner had he stood up when the intense tingling in his leg, the one he had been sitting on for a long time, warned him that perhaps Kai had been right and almost two hours in the same position was inevitably going to cause numbness.

He didn't even have time to support himself, there was no object to do so, but as soon as Kai had noticed his body falling to his side, his hand held Mount's arm tightly in an attempt to stop him, but only slightly cushioning his fall to the floor once they both stumbled on the thick carpet.

Kai's body managed to get between Mason and the floor, and though the younger boy didn't seem to be in the slightest bit of pain from the blow, Mason couldn't look more distressed to find himself on top of him, completely safe, but with face so close to that of his teammate. His cheeks felt hot, but at least Kai's cheeks matched it, as did the sorrowful expression on his face.

—God, sorry, Kai, uh, shit! —The tingling he'd encountered as soon as he'd tried to move his leg to get up off his partner had pinned him down again. An uncomfortable grimace on his face made Havertz laugh at the sight of it— Shit, my leg is totally numb, sorry about that....

As carefully as he could, he manoeuvred himself onto his hands and, with the help of his teammate, lay on his side next to Kai's body, who still had his back to the ground, though now with the weight of his body resting on his hands behind him.

—Be careful, Mase... don't worry, are you okay?

—Yeah, yeah, totally, it's just the tingling, oh, shit... I'm fine, don't worry, it'll go away in a few seconds, uh, you, you okay?

—Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, don't worry.

—Are you sure? You hit the floor pretty hard —he said, as he tried to gently move his leg.

—Not really, your carpet is very soft. It didn't hurt at all.

—Oh, that's good, that's lucky. Sorry, though, I think I spent too much time in that position and it wasn't good —he explained apologetically. It still wasn't comfortable to move his leg, even though he was trying—. I'm really sorry, Kai, really —he shook his head, but he didn't seem bothered, not even uncomfortable by his closeness, which allowed him to relax at least a little bit. In fact, Kai even flashed a smile after a couple of seconds— Uh, what's wrong?

—Nothing important, just... I was just remembering that we were just talking about how weird that position was for your leg —he laughed, to which he got the same reaction from Mason.

—Yeah, well, I guess you were kind of right, it's only comfortable if I don't spend two hours in it.

—I'm sorry —he laughed— that's another reason why I should leave soon, looks like I didn't bring any good stuff with me today.

—Oh, don't say rubbish... It was nice.

—For me too —he smiled. It really is a nice smile —. Hey, I'll take the cups to wash, okay?

—Oh, no, no, no, it's okay, I'll do it. 

—No, you won't. You were already very attentive to me today and those biscuits were seriously good, I have to repay you for that somehow —he smiled—. Besides, you shouldn't get up yet, try to move your leg gently for a while until it stops being uncomfortable —he advised, approaching him carefully. Mason didn't immediately understand, but he soon realised that Kai's way of settling in front of him had been with the intention of preparing himself and holding the side of his abdomen with one hand and his forearm with the other, so as to help him sit on the couch next to them.

He hadn't even been able to concentrate on the way his leg made him uncomfortable moving like that, because being able to feel his teammate so close and brushing against his skin had completely clouded his thoughts. He couldn't help but watch his face while he helped him settle his body as if it were a piece of art. 

—Uh, um, well, thank you very much, Kai. 

—Don't worry, I'm glad I could help you, even if it's just a little. I... had a great time today. I always do here —he said with a sincere smile, adorned with a slight blush as he looked into his eyes. Kai then stood up with both their cups in his hands and the bowl they had used, then headed for the kitchen.

The sound of the tap running and the water was the signal that reminded Mason of that important thing he was forgetting. The night wasn't over yet for both of them and he hadn't asked Kai out.

And how the fuck was he going to do that? After everything he'd said earlier in the night he wasn't really sure how Kai felt about his comments, he wasn't sure what his partner's reaction had been to those little slips that had perhaps sounded a little more romantic than he'd planned, and then he had no idea what he'd think if he suddenly asked him out one day. Would Kai take it as an outing between friends or would he think it was some other context? Was it some other context? Couldn't he make it sound more casual? Did he want it to sound casual or did he want Kai to take it as a sign? 

A sign of fucking what?

How was he going to bring it up in the first place? It would sound so strange if he just asked him out. It was going to sound strange anyway, either way it would be a slightly different proposal, though it didn't have to be that weird. Maybe if he acted like it wasn't, he could make Kai think it was totally casual.

The sound of the cups in the kitchen let him know that they had just been put in place and his partner was already drying his hands on the towel by the kitchen door. His thoughts had distracted him sufficiently and he had forgotten even about the numbness in his leg, which now didn't feel so important.

—Be careful, Mase, are you better now? —he asked as he saw him get up from the couch.

—Yes, totally! Don't worry, it's really nothing serious. I'm fine.

—I'm glad; I wouldn't want to be the one to blame for some injury and then have to explain to everyone why leaving you with less than six hours of sleep is my fault too —he smiled.

—Oh, come on, that's my call, actually —he laughed, as he walked over to where Kai was standing— Oh, and, hey, before you go and all, speaking of sleep, uh, well, I was just remembering that... I think you still owe me a question.

—Oh —he said in surprise. The German moved his back closer to the wall behind him, leaning on one of his legs—. So, one question.

—One question —he repeated—. Well, uh, I... I was wondering if you'd like to go out somewhere else sometime.

Kai looked at him in confusion, though not displeasure at the idea, but simply curiosity.

—Somewhere else?

—Yeah, well, you know, I like to hang out here and all, but we could go out sometime and go to the park or, I don't know, well, one of my favourite bands is coming to London this fall so I was thinking maybe we could even... go.

Kai smiled at that proposal, though he didn't seem ready to say much. The seconds he had to wait for an answer from the other seemed like an eternity in Mason's mind, who felt his heart racing and tried to hide his nervousness by folding his arms across his chest.

—Uh, well, that sounds like a fun idea.

—You mean going out or, or the concert thing?

—Well, we'll see about that. You should know that I'm by no means an expert on music, so maybe the park might be the best option —he said apologetically, with both hands slipping into his trouser pockets. Mason, on the other hand, felt every muscle in his body relax after hearing him speak, his hands now tingling with excitement.

—Or... I could show you a bit about the music I like.

—That sounds like a good idea to me.

—A better idea, probably —he smiled, causing Kai to smile too—. I mean, we don't have to rule out the park either, I guess we can go another day too, plus I know a couple of coffee shops where they sell blackberry pancakes that, God, seriously are the best.

—Okay, well, we can consider several options —he said cheerfully, approaching Mason. He didn't know exactly the purpose of it, but being around him was so nice. It was all he wanted to do, even though he knew Kai would have to leave soon and maybe the next day he'd be so sleep deprived when he woke up that he'd regret the whole thing—. But before anything else, I think you definitely need to teach me more about your music.

—Okay, that's fine.

—Okay —he repeated. The silence when they were a metre apart was less awkward than he would have expected, but the impossibility they felt to look at each other face to face was evident; that was why Havertz soon averted his eyes to the floor, even though his partner knew he was still smiling. They both were, it was impossible to help it— Uh, well, I think it's a bit late, I don't want to make you lose any more sleep. I was a little late this time, sorry.

—It's okay, you can do it whenever you want, really. 

—I'll try not to make it a regular thing —he laughed. He zipped up his sweatshirt as they both walked down the hall to the door—. Thanks for having me here, for the thousandth time.

—I hope it's a thousand and one.

Havertz smiled, under the doorframe and without deciding to move too far away.

—I'm sure it will. See you tomorrow, or, well, in a few hours.

—See you in a few hours. Sweet dreams, Kai.

—Sweet dreams, Mase. 

It was strange, it was beyond description even to himself what the hell was making him behave like this. He'd never felt anything like that before, that had him sliding with a smile against the door after he'd closed it, said goodbye to Kai and watched him walk down the stairs, but it was that something that made his chest pound, made him feel nervous and with a strong tendency to laugh at absolutely everything Kai said that was really powerful. Why was it that when they were together he felt so nervous and why did he still not want to move even or stop talking to him for even a second? They had barely been hanging out for more than a month and now, after seeing him leave his flat, he couldn't stop smiling at the thought of his face as he talked, his mannerisms, his features.

Did he have to stop, or was it just time to admit something to himself?

Chapter Text

By this point of the evening, Mason was singing at the top of his lungs, from the beginning to the last line of the song, jumping up and down and letting all the emotion out of his body as the notes ended, with the crowd's cheers and applause echoing off the walls of the venue they were in. Ben put one of his hands on his shoulder firmly, shaking it with another excited shout.  

Mount smiled, his mind wandering for a moment as he watched the performers on stage, though not paying as much attention to what they were saying as he did to quickly wiping a couple of sweat beads from his forehead; he was tired, but couldn't be happier to have accepted Ben's spontaneous invitation to see one of their favourite bands. The chords of the next song started to play, driving the crowd crazy again, especially him and his friend. It was one of the first songs he and Ben had realized they shared in common.

The lights moved to the rhythm of the music and his body moved too, along with those of the crowd around him.

I will bathe myself

Then I'll wear you for the night

Colors fading, frayed at the sides

The flash went through his mind and he couldn't help it, he couldn't help thinking about him and that image could barely last a blink of an eye in his imagination. What?

You're changing in the light

Oh why is your face so pale and white?

Because the only thing that he could think of was his skin. He had thought it was so stunning since he first saw it in their first training session together, he remembered it vividly, and yet his first response was still denial, surprise, and a shock that made him blink and look down at the floor for a second. The shoes of everyone around him hitting the ground and jumping, the mass of people around him that forced him to look straight ahead and jump again as well, despite the turmoil of emotions that flooded his mind for a second.

There's a lot of words to come out

Just waiting for the perfect hideout

Down when the walls start shaking

I'm ready for you to find out

He smiled instinctively. Why did it all make sense now? It was so silly that it seemed like a perfect coincidence. Light projectors flickering around him, he felt happy and began to sing along with Ben, who was already shouting every line of that song next to him. And what was he going to do when it would be Kai next to him at a concert? What would it be like to see all those colours reflecting in his eyes and painting his skin while the music made his heart shake like that?

Now the night has fled

Just like everything I said

Y que Kai hiciera a su corazón sacudirse también. Estaba seguro de que lo haría.

When the moon was out instead

Now the sun glows soft and red

You burn through my mind

Again and again

Each verse accelerated the speed with which his heartbeat pounded in his chest, the drums echoed in his ribcage, his ears were filled by the song his voice chanted and he felt every word. His eyes became much brighter as a couple of tears came to them.

He couldn't deny it anymore, could he? What was the point of doing so, if deep inside he already knew the answers?

He was thinking about him, about Kai, about that song that, when it was only about him now, couldn't have a friendly context. He could no longer pretend it did. It was terrifying to accept what he knew he felt, but it was also so exciting, so fun, it felt so good to think about him as he sang.

The words in the music felt like they were tailored to him. He wouldn't have imagined this when he met him a couple of months ago, and that first awkward impression didn't anticipate how much he wanted to share himself completely with him now.

He wanted Kai to find out, wanted him to say everything, because now he knew that seeing him felt like fireworks. That joy that exploded in his chest and made him want to jump and scream because he couldn't hold it in. He wanted to finally let out everything he felt in his chest when Kai was around. He was like fireworks inside his body.

There's a lot of words to come out

Just waiting for the perfect hideout

Down when the walls start shaking

I'm ready for you to find out

He immersed himself for the next few minutes in that feeling where the lights, the rhythm, the cheers of excitement, the smiles and his own tears flooded everything. It had been a long time since he had experienced that, and he had missed it so much that he couldn't believe that that kind of thing was part of the same life that sometimes hurt so much. And at other times just didn't.

A couple of last songs to end the concert also reminded him of certain moments in his life, those that sometimes seemed like such distant memories that he no longer remembered them: his quick move to London, the day he met Ben playing football with his then teammates, that time when he bought some of his first vinyl records (even though he had no way of even listening to them), when his salary allowed him the luxury of buying unnecessary things and it seemed like the craziest thing in the world. 

Those were fond memories, and despite that, all thoughts were interrupted from time to time by the thought of Kai, the smile and the warm feeling that accompanied it.

In the last few months he had become much more sensitive: sensitive to the music, to his emotions, to the things going on in his life. He put it down to the fact that the events in his life had caused him to spend part of that year forming a shell that kept him from having to suffer any more, some kind of barrier that wouldn't let feelings develop that might later hurt him, but now he was letting that go. He was starting to feel again without that fear of things going wrong, and that was already a lot. 

Even Ben had noticed it, and hadn't hesitated to mention it as the two of them walked out of the venue after the show was over.

—Hey, Mase, I certainly noticed you were quite happy today. I mean, like, real happy, like... like something I've seen before. I'm really glad —he shrugged, adjusting the cap that covered his head. The temperature was starting to feel colder and colder at eleven o'clock at night.

—Thank you. Actually I was, I was really happy. I don't think I remembered how great it was to go to gigs.

—You even cried.

—You did too.

—Yes, and I proudly say so! I mean that in a good way, I mean, I'm really glad you had a good night, I just hope you didn't get too tired because of me.

—No, not at all, I mean, I'm tired, it's true, but it's worth it. Thank you for inviting me.

—I couldn't have preferred anyone else, mate, —he smiled— Are you taking the bus home? It's a bit late.

—I think so. I'm going to walk to the station, it's a few streets away from the mall that's nearby, so...  

—Cool, I think I'll do the same, one of the buses there also takes me close to home.

—-Not gonna lie I'm glad you didn't bring your car today and have to walk with me —he admitted,— Hey, before we go, do you think you could wait for me for a second?

—Huh? Uh, sure, okay, where are you going?

—I want to buy a CD.

—Oh, I'll go with you then! —He said, starting to walk beside him towards that spot, near the entrance of the venue, where the CDs were displayed, while Mason absentmindedly searched through his wallet— Will you buy the new one?

In front of them, the albums for sale were numbered with a code behind a glass window. The waiting line wasn't that long, but it did allow Mason enough time to consider his decision before answering and ordering the album he'd be taking home.

—No, I think it's going to be So Long, See You Tomorrow.

—It's a good one... though, hey, didn't you already have that album? I remember listening to it with you and Er at your house or....

—Uh, yeah, well, it's not really for me.

—It's...? Oh. Oh... —he said surprised. He knew what his friend's silence was about while he made the purchase and so it didn't seem strange that after he had finished making the purchase, thanked the employee and started walking back to where they were initially going, Ben finally got up the nerve to ask about it— Uh, it's a nice album, anyway. It's going to be a gift, innit?

—Yeah, I think it will be —he smiled—. You want to know about it, don't you?

—Well, I don't want to be nosy, Mase, but I think I know what this is about.

—Well, you're my best friend, I don't think there's anything I'd want to hide, especially from you, —he laughed, the album in his hands and his thumbs gently patting the cover— Do you have any idea what it might be about?

—Well, given that your brothers have different tastes, my chances are narrowed down to Erin, some girl, or?

—¿Or?

—Or Kai Havertz?

—Well, I don't think there's a girl on my mind at the moment…

Ben smiled, he didn't have to see him face to face to know that he was trying not to show too much surprise at that statement. After all, Ben had been in his life for so long that he had definitely been one of the most important people in the process of discovering other parts of his sexual orientation.

Mason couldn't know it, but small steps like these made his best friends extremely proud of him, especially those who had been so supportive of him over the past few months.

—You picked a great album. Does he like this kind of music?

—You won't believe this, but I don't think he's a person with a lot of musical interests.

—What do you mean? —he said with a laugh.

—Well, it's kind of weird, we've talked very little about music over the last few weeks and, it's funny, because sometimes he really seems to be completely blank about it —he admitted with a bit of a laugh—. But, still, he's really been interested in learning about the things I like, in general, you know?

—And you must be very happy about that, for sure —he smiled—. Maybe you should go to a concert together one day.

—I'm planning on it! —he admitted cheerfully— I hope so, I was thinking of suggesting it in a couple of weeks, but I thought maybe it would be a good idea to give him some of the albums I like so he can listen to them himself at home. It sounds kind of silly, but I think it could be a nice gift...

—I mean, it's a nice gift, although you could have just texted it to him, you know? The link to the album —he said playfully.

—I know, I know, but, well, you wouldn't believe it, but we don't really text... We don't text at all.

—Ben looked at him open mouthed, undecided whether to laugh or judge. 

—Are you serious?! Mase, hell, is this the nineteenth century? 

—Well, there's no need to, basically —he shrugged. I mean, in the mornings I see him at training, we hang out there all afternoon and then I see him again at my flat in the evenings until we go to sleep. We kind of see each other all day, so it's not like there's any good reason to text each other. Plus, I don't know, somehow the fact that we don't text each other usually makes me feel kind of insecure about ever doing it.

—Oh, come on, it's not weird. Actually, it would be the normal thing to do; you guys act like a medieval couple who have to visit each other every night in secret in order to talk, as if texting needed 400 more years to be invented —he said mockingly.

—Like some kind of Romeo and Juliet.

—Pretty extra —he replied as an adjective to that suggestion, making Mason laugh as well,— Romeo and Romeo, I'd say, but you're still a dramatic pair. But hey, maybe today you could tell him what you bought him! I mean, text him about it.

—Wouldn't that sound a little too...? Like, well, you know, like... too weird?

Ben looked at him quizzically, slipping his hands into his jacket pockets.

—Uh, well, not really... I mean, I guess it's the kind of thing you do with your mates in general and... you still don't know anything about what he feels about you, right?

—No... not directly. I mean, we get along, we like spending time together, I'm sure we do, but I've thought about it and... I guess it's not exactly friendly to visit someone almost every night just to talk and be together. Last week we talked sitting across from each other, which we don't do that often if we're not eating, and he told me that he was nervous about the way I looked at him.

—Nervous? 

—In a good way, in a good way. We talked about how some people make you feel nervous in a way that you like, and apparently I make him feel that way. 

—That's definitely not a very bro thing to say — Ben grinned, as they sheltered under the roof of the bus station and leaned their backs against the glass in the wall of it—. Well, I guess it's not very direct, but it sounds a bit more romantic in a way. I mean, that's good, although I'm still a little worried that we don't know exactly what his intentions are with you, you know?

—Yeah, I get it. I'm pretty nervous about that too, but I seriously think I feel something... I think there's something between us, something that's not really friendship. I don't know, mate, it's all very confusing, but not in a bad way; in a way, even not knowing what the hell is going on between us, having my head in the moon when I'm with him and not understanding anything, it just feels weirdly right, you know?

—You're telling me you enjoy being confused?

—I'm saying that... I don't know exactly what's between us, but I know that what I feel for him feels like having fireworks inside my chest, and I know that what happens when we're together ignites that, no matter what it means to him.

Ben smiled in a way he could only have described as proud, and suddenly Mason felt himself blushing a little at what he'd just said, because it had come out of his mouth just the way he had thought when having the lights and music flooding his mind a while ago. "Dramatic" he remembered Ben's words. 

He would have defined it as extremely cheesy, something he didn't even recognise in himself. I didn't know I had the capacity to be like this, maybe crying so much unlocked some vault in there.

—Mase, I hope you're aware that, without knowing how he feels, you're playing with fire. I guess sometimes you need to take risks if things are really worth it, and if a person makes you feel fireworks inside your chest, I can't imagine what could be more worth it, mate.

Mason smiled at his words. He looked straight ahead, still smiling, but losing himself for a few seconds in the cars that occasionally sped past them, the people walking across the street, and the cold winds that rattled the treetops.

—Though —Ben continued— that doesn't mean I'm not worried about you and this. I just want you to be okay, I wouldn't want you to get hurt out of this, you know?

—I know it's a possibility.

—You can try to narrow it down.

—I think I'm trying, this is a bit of a step towards it, it's just I'm afraid of scaring him or something. 

—I really think you should text him. Maybe it's a way to break the ice. 

—How do you think I should do that?

—Well, you'll have to find out, because my bus is coming around the corner —he smiled. Moving in for a hug— Hey, good luck with it, okay? Tell me what happens.

—Thank you. I'll tell you Monday, okay? 

Ben nodded, approaching the pavement to catch the bus home. Mason waited until he saw the bus drive off into the distance before he picked up his own phone and put on his headset. Soon his transport appeared as well; it left him enough time to listen to about an entire album on the way home, he knew because he had been to several concerts at that same venue and knew the way well.

And the truth was that he couldn't help but play exactly the album he had in his hands, the one he bought for Kai, just to remember all the songs on it and make sure they didn't have any bad messages for his teammate. And he smiled throughout the entire ride, because every line that used to remind him of the girls he had fallen in love with when that album had just come out and he was in high school, now only made him think of someone else, and in his mind, the image of his pale skin under the moonlight, the smile he usually saw in the darkness and every one of his movements that they had learned after not being able to take his eyes off of Kai every time he was in front of him. 

There were so many things he thought about him when through his headphones the music overshadowed the rest of the world, that he could have written a whole book of every interesting, curious and beautiful detail he found about Kai, and he definitely couldn't deny anymore how much his heart felt filled with emotion just thinking about him and being together. He had never felt anything like that for anyone else. 

When he got off the bus, he couldn't help but notice his steps leading him up and down the pavement happily, even when he had already silenced his phone in his pockets: the night was so quiet and the sky was so clear that the stars seemed to be inviting him for a night walk. One where he didn't have to rush and could simply enjoy the view he didn't have every day. He even decided to get off the bus earlier than he should have, to allow himself to walk through the park near the street where he lived and where he always found people walking their pets in the evenings. 

A starry night, dogs playing and fresh air. It seemed like a great plan, so he restarted that album and started walking towards that place, his steps guided by the rhythm of the music and his eyes occasionally wandering over everything around him, from his own shoes trying to stay on the edge of the path, those brown boots he didn't usually wear except on special occasions, to the small fountain in the middle of the park that by that time had stopped working and the pair of puppies playing next to it. Their owners, a young couple holding their leashes, sat on a nearby bench laughing, moving closer and looking, as he did, at the barely visible stars that decorated the landscape above them that night. He didn't want to interrupt their privacy, so he walked more quickly, but he couldn't help thinking about how much the couple's behaviour resembled the way he and Kai looked when they sat together at the kitchen island or on the living room couch. They, too, looked at each other in that nervous, joyful way, they were so close to one another that there seemed to be magnetism between their bodies, they also occasionally looked up at the sky in silence or laughed in a way that one's head ended up on the other's chest. And everything seemed like a beautiful starry night when they were together, the only difference was that, unlike those young people, they didn't kiss, they didn't get that close to each other's faces and look into each other's eyes.

He imagined it. In his mind, Kai's blue eyes were so close to him that they looked quickly at his lips, his heart was racing and his hands were trembling as he felt his skin so close, and looking into his eyes made him so nervous in the best possible way that he couldn't stop himself any longer, and so he moved in to kiss him. He was moving in to kiss Kai.

A pleasant shiver ran down his back, snapping him out of his reverie to realise that his hands made into fists clenched the fabric of his jacket and the skin on his arms was bristling. He laughed nervously, even though he knew that no one but himself could know about his thoughts, but it still felt like something mischievous and so exciting that he couldn't help but laugh at himself.

He felt like a secondary school kid, because what he was imagining was not an impossible hypothetical case, it was what would probably happen if one day he found himself in that situation with him, he knew it would.

And what did that mean? 

What did it mean to be able to imagine himself like that with Kai? What did it mean to want to imagine himself like that with Kai? It didn't feel so problematic to wonder now. Maybe it was the circumstance, the nice night, or how happy he felt at the moment, but this was probably one of the first times his thoughts about his teammate didn't make him go into denial or feel guilty.

For the first time, he didn't feel bad about admitting that, in fact, nothing that happened between them every night felt wrong. It felt right, he knew, but not feeling bad when he admitted it to himself really was something new.

A smile accompanied his steps through the streets. The next day they had to travel for the game they were to play on Monday evening, and while he didn't usually find travelling a chore, he knew he had to get enough sleep that night, so he couldn't stay out too much longer, as nice as it would be to disconnect from the world and watch the lights in the windows of the big buildings nearby glow in the middle of the night, the piles of flats showing different coloured illumination outside and wonder what would be behind each of those windows and curtains.

He walked resignedly to the door of his own building, one of the few in the neighbourhood that was usually dark after ten o'clock at night, and entered still humming the rhythm of some songs. He walked calmly up to his floor and opened the door of his flat, but not before reminding himself that he would have to collect the rubbish that night, which he would have to take out in a couple of days.

He wondered if he should do it before going to bed or eating dinner, but he was more hungry than eager to finish his chores. At least he didn't feel tired, or at least not tired enough to want to sleep immediately, even though he knew it was the right thing to do. He headed to the kitchen, poured himself a bowl of yogurt and cereal and pulled his phone out of his pocket, placing it on the counter and still in the midst of indecision as to whether or not he should send Kai any text regarding the gift he'd just gotten for him.

He smiled as he ate, thinking about what Kai might think about seeing him for the first time break their wordless pact not to text each other. Would he be happy? Would he be confused? Under what circumstances would he be upset about it?

He picked up his phone and finally turned on the screen.

The notifications showed him more than 10 missed calls from his sister's phone and the conversation with her had dozens of unread messages. He unlocked as quickly as he could and went into the messages. Most of them just asked him to answer his phone and there were many that he had probably sent with the intention of making his phone ring, unaware that it had been on silent for a while. In the last messages, sent a few minutes after the last call was attempted, she asked him to get in touch as soon as he could, as it was an emergency. Just seeing those words had made his heart race in a way he hated, he felt a hollowness in his chest and the pressure in his heart he knew from feeling that something was wrong, because he knew it couldn't be anything else now that his sister had moved into his mother's house since the end of the summer.

He barely took a breath so he could call his sister when a new call from her came in.

—Hello? —she asked, her voice shaky and easily interrupted by a sob.

—Hey, just saw your calls. What's wrong? Should I be worried? —he said, trying to feign a better mood.

—Mase, it's not. Mum's not okay. Today... today she had another one of those breakdowns, I... I don't know if I can handle it, she's really, really bad.

—Oh, uh —he hesitated, he didn't know what to say or what to ask when those words put his whole body in such a fragile mood— Where is she now? Is she okay? 

—She's in the room, he's looking after her now —she said, referring to his sister's husband—. She's calmer, we're trying to get her to sleep.

—Maybe a couple of the pills the doctor had prescribed last time, the ones that put her to sleep early, would help.

—I, I know, I know, I know, Mase, I know, it's just... yes, we used them, she's already taken them and we're waiting for her to fall asleep, but... Mase, it's just...

Her sister was interrupted in moments by her daughter's voice. Mason's niece was asking questions that he didn't comprehend, except for that phrase she kept asking, ''Why are you crying, Mommy? Is everything all right?'' Her sister would softly reply that she was, and Mason suddenly felt like he couldn't help but cry. A girl that age shouldn't have to be going through situations like that, no one should, right?

—Don't worry, I understand...

—No, Mason, you don't understand because... you're not here —she said, bursting into tears. He couldn't help but cry then and there, too—. We can't spend the whole time drugging her to keep her from killing herself, you know?We've used the pills three times this week. Three times, Mase! I can't stand this and I can't do it any longer like this, this is not a real solution, it's not a real solution that mum sleeps all day and hardly knows what's going on around her, it's not enough for her that I'm here, she still feels lonely, and... —she sobbed— In the summer we were much better, although she didn't feel completely well, at least she was more stable, and she got upset sometimes, but she managed to control herself when we were all here, I... I can't do it alone anymore..".

—I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry —he said, in tears—. I don't, I wouldn't want this, you know it's not like...

—I know, Mase, I'm not blaming you, I don't want to blame you because, hell, I understand that you're paying for everything thanks to being back in London and I appreciate it so much but... I just wish we could all do this like we did in the beginning, because it's become so difficult since you and Joe came back to London and it's so hard... I need help, Mase, please, I don't want anything to happen to mum but I don't know what else to do...

—I... I just... I don't know either...

Mason felt his heart on the verge of breaking. That horrible feeling in his chest and pressing against his throat was there again, and it hurt both physically and emotionally. 

For a few moments, their crying was the only thing they could hear through the phone on the call. He didn't know what to say to her because he didn't even know if there was anything he could do to help her. 

All the crazy ideas were not something he could take seriously, because this was a real situation, and when he saw it that way, it was a life and death situation, because he couldn't bear to see his mother die slowly, not when he had seen his father die so suddenly just a short time ago.

—Listen, Emma, this... it's not going to happen, I'm not, I'm not going to let the worst happen, we're not going to let it happen, and... I know it is being very difficult —he sobbed, as quietly as he could— but I'm not going to leave you alone, and Joe won't either, I'll, I'll call him and... I don't know, I don't know, but we'll do something.

—I'd really appreciate it if you could come home soon; the, the pills will wear off tomorrow and I'll need support for the next few days....

—Uh, okay, all right... I'll... I'll do what I can and I'll talk to Joe.

—I need more than that —she replied, her voice far more desperate than Mason would have liked to hear—. Please, I need help...

He closed his eyes. He wanted to keep his silence long enough so that his sister couldn't hear that a couple of tears had once again welled up between his lashes and were slowly trickling down his cheeks. 

—Yes, I know —he answered at last— I'll call you tomorrow with a solution. 

He hung up. He couldn't quite hear his sister's nod, but as he put the phone aside, next to the sink, he could only see himself in the glass on the wall above the cooker. He hated that image of himself, because it didn't look like who he remembered being a few months ago. How could one event change his life so much? How had it come to make everything so difficult and so painful? 

He turned on the tap and washed his hands instinctively, splashing a little on his face and wiping away the tears with the water and a kitchen towel. He gulped back saliva, but it wasn't enough to make him feel good, because he began to think about what it all meant and it became so overwhelming that he couldn't bear it.

He walked backwards to the refrigerator, the nearest object behind him, and let himself slip against it, his eyes filled with tears.

Why could things never be right again? He was beginning to wonder if it could never be as good as it used to be. If all his attempts to be well again would end with this, with reminding him that he couldn't be at peace, because there was an event that had completely destroyed his life even months after it had happened. 

And he remembered the last time he saw his mother's face: the last time he visited her he himself was not in a good mood, because the team would start training in a couple of days, he still didn't get a roommate to share rents and he was about to give up on that, although the expenses to be paid after the funeral were still not fully covered and the therapy he was paying for his mother was expensive. Therapy, therapy, his mother was now also on medication, and still he couldn't see much improvement after returning to London. Mason was stressed that day, elbows resting on the table as he thought about how he was going to make enough money to keep paying for that flat until his agent could release his salary for that half of the year in advance. His agent had told him that paying to avoid bad publicity for him after his poor performance at the end of the season would cost more than expected, because the press was sometimes abusive, and he hadn't contemplated that expense either when he bought a new house for his parents by the beach almost a year ago.

Now her mother didn't even want to use it, didn't want to leave the house where the family had lived all their lives, because she said that at least it still made her feel some closeness to her late husband, and when she remembered him that way she would cry, and go into a crisis and suddenly get upset, and end up so angry with life that she would punch pillows, sheets off her bed and had broken at least a fifth of her crockery.

That day, she was in a bad mood, too. She had yelled at Mason while he tried to ignore her, for his mental sake, and did calculations at the table.

—Put down that damn phone and look at me! —she shouted at him as she snatched up his phone and threw it on the floor, her hair in disarray and her makeup smeared across her cheeks.

—Why...?!

But when he looked into her eyes he couldn't let his anger get the better of him despite how stressed he was, because his mother's eyes were unrecognisable.

They looked so sad. Her face looked so thin and so unmotivated. The dark circles under her eyes were now deep and her eyelids showed a disconsolation turned anger that could only cause pity. He couldn't feel so angry at her when he understood where all that she felt was coming from, he understood why she felt that anger and why her eyes showed that hopelessness; he too felt that he only wanted to change the past, and it was so painful to know that he couldn't do it. 

He swallowed all his anger and the urge to cry that he felt when he saw her, and instead of picking up his phone from the floor, he went over to her and hugged her. His mother cried, in despair, in anger, even wanting to push him away for a few seconds, until his sister and brother, who had decided to take their niece to another room to distract her, returned to the living room and joined in the hug. 

Her crying stopped after a few minutes, she hugged her children and mentioned for the thousandth time how difficult it was to live without their father. 

After a while, as if nothing had happened, they eventually ate dinner all together, once their niece woke up from the nap she had been induced to by headphones and children's youtube videos.

Her mother would now probably be asleep too. Without any thoughts under the effect of medication, but at least resting, at least not crying. He didn't blame her, because he was also experiencing how terrible and insufferable it could be to lose the most important person in his life, but sometimes, when he saw her like that and when he got calls from home talking about how bad she was, he remembered the woman she used to be. And he wanted so badly to be a kid again and to see his mother as the strongest woman in the universe, a superhero who could overcome anything and feel safe by his side.

Sometimes he wished so much that he could go back to that carefree feeling of knowing that he could feel safe with her, that his mother would always protect him and make everything alright. He wanted to be able to ask her to fight and make things better, but now he had to be the strong one and find a solution.

How on earth would he do that? He couldn't even stop crying or stop that feeling that felt like it was infecting his chest with pain. If only we hadn't lost him, if only he was here.

After remembering those eyes, he couldn't allow himself to be calm. He was aware of Emma's despair when her mother became too much of a burden during those bouts of chaos that even his sister didn't feel capable of handling.

And it was unfair, because Emma had a daughter to raise, it wasn't fair to leave her with that responsibility, but Joe had already been on the verge of losing his job after his time away from the capital, and he couldn't give up his life and career in London to return to Portsmouth, could he? Or could he? Should he? It felt so selfish when he thought about it, but there was no one else to delegate that responsibility to, and his sister had limits too, and when she overstepped them, Mason wanted to run back to her door and comfort his mother, and hug her, and tell his sister she could go to sleep with her daughter, and stay until things were right, because even he felt stronger by her side, but he simply couldn't afford it. Giving it all up was something he didn't really want to do, his father wouldn't have wanted it, and deep down he knew that no one in his family would want that.

—It's going to be okay, it's going to be better, Mase.

Kai's voice took him by surprise, because between keeping his head resting on his forearm on his knees, his eyes closed so he wouldn't cry anymore and getting lost in his thoughts, he couldn't even notice at what point his teammate had walked into his flat and into the kitchen, to kneel down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. 

The older man didn't want to lift his face to look at him, he knew he looked like a mess and Kai didn't need to see that. 

—Kai, you've come at a bad time —he said, still not looking at him. He had tried to sound like he was joking, but his mood was limiting him. He really didn't want to show Kai a side of himself that he hadn't yet learned to control.

But despite that, Kai gave him an honest smile, still respectful of the moment they were in.

—I'm sorry... I had no idea that...

—It's okay —he replied quickly, wiping some of his tears and his nose with the back of his hand. 

—Do you want a napkin? 

He nodded, and Kai got up from the floor to look in the nearby drawers for the place where he kept napkins.

He returned to his side to offer him one and hold another pair in his left hand. Mason needed them almost immediately, to wipe the rest of his face, though even after that he still didn't want to face him. He preferred to direct his gaze outside, through the window next to him.

—I don't think it's appropriate to ask if you're all right, do you? But... Is there anything I can help you with?

The older man shook his head.

—It's my family.

Kai shook his head slightly to express that he understood that, so that he wouldn't push him to talk about it.

—Would you be uncomfortable with a hug?

—He wanted to say yes, but his heart won that battle and he answered faster.

—No.

So Kai walked back over to him, on his knees, and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around his upper body, leaned his cheek against Mason's shoulder and stayed there for a while, just feeling his teammate's breathing and allowing him to dry his face from time to time. Mason certainly wasn't uncomfortable with it all, it was what he wanted, he wanted to have him there close, but he didn't know how right it was to show that.

After so much hesitation with Kai and not knowing exactly what Havertz had in his mind when he saw him, Mason was really afraid of showing more than what was right for his mate, and maybe asking him for things that were beyond wherever Kai's limit was regarding their relationship, but at that moment and in that situation, the filters in his mind weren't working well.

Fortunately, Kai didn't seem to be bothered by it. 

The German waited patiently until he could lift his face, until he was comfortable with seeing him and helped him up after a while to go into the living room, to sit in the main couch, and as if it was a habit, Kai went to his kitchen, poured him water and put a couple of fruits in a bowl which he then carried into the living room.

The silence was filled with a few jokes, some superficial questions about his condition, but nothing too invasive. Mason was grateful for it, because Havertz had the patience to stay with him until he was ready to speak.

 —Kai, I'm... I'm sorry about this whole... well, this .he nodded without looking at him. 

—You don't have anything to apologise for. You don't have to talk about anything either if you don't feel comfortable about it yet.

—No, no, I mean, I wouldn't feel more comfortable than with someone who's just seen me go through all this... it's something I don't usually want to show people and I'm sorry that you came along at that time and had to see it.

—Real people feel real things, Mase, it wouldn't have to be any other way. You know, I'm really sorry for what you're going through, but I'm glad you don't have to pretend to be okay for me. I'm glad you don't have to go out of your way to hide the way you feel just because I'm here, because that would be tiresome for you... And I'm sorry I came at an inopportune time, it's just that I didn't leave because... I don't know, I felt you needed...

—It's true. I did need to. I did need it.

He couldn't help it, the moment his eyes met Kai's, they both knew that the other knew exactly what they were referring to, and they knew that what Mason was asking him in that look was to get close to him again: even though Kai was on the couch next to him, he didn't hesitate for a second to rise from his spot when he saw his teammate's face, coming to his side to pull him into a hug. 

A hug that didn't feel like other times, and Mason knew it all too well even though he wasn't in the mood to enjoy it as much as he would have liked. Still, for all their feelings, he could see how imperative it was for both of them to be in each other's arms and to stop pretending they didn't feel like it.

At that very moment, he felt for the first time that neither of them hesitated or avoided doing exactly what they wanted to do when they looked into each other's eyes, what they needed to do and that at the moment was the only thing they wanted to do given their situation. Suddenly, his palms touched the cloth on Kai's back and he felt his heart next to his own, his chest against his teammate's and their heartbeats felt like a fight to get out of their bodies and meet one another's. The urge to clench the fabric in his hands was stronger than his cautiousness and he did so, knowing how much he appreciated the moment.

—Thank you for not leaving. Thank you for not leaving...

—I really hope I don't bother you whenever I'm here. I never know if being here is the right decision.

—Stop worrying about that. It's, it's the opposite. It's just the opposite.

Kai sighed in relief and clung to him tighter than before.

—I... I'd do anything for you to be okay.

Why, Kai? Why are you telling me this and what do you expect me to think about it? Why does this matter to you? 

Mason kept quiet about it, because what was on his mind were things he didn't want Kai to know, and he knew that anything he said might sound like too much. It wasn't the best time to give a wise answer.

—You always know how to make the right decision —he said in a much quieter voice than he expected. He took a moment to try to calm down and think about what he would say next: the logical part of his brain told him that one way or another there would be things to think about that wouldn't be enjoyable, but Kai was there now, and maybe that wasn't a disadvantage to his situation. Maybe it made a lot more sense to talk about it with someone rather than by himself—. Kai... my mum's not doing okay. And I want to talk about it with you, because I trust you, and honestly, I don't want to go through this alone —he said, with a gesture that, while cheerful, didn't stop him from bringing tears to his eyes.

When he separated from him to say that and they could finally see each other again, he could tell how much his words interested Kai: he looked at him in surprise, but not in a bad way, as if he was a burden to him, instead he looked at him with gratitude. He could be sure that what Kai was feeling was actually something like pride.

—You know you don't have to —he assured him, with a half smile—. Well, I... you know I'm here for you. You can tell me anything.

Mason couldn't know it, but the way Kai took his hand when he said that had been completely instinctive and unintentional. 

—It's about her, all of this. She's not okay, Kai, ever since my dad died she hasn't been doing okay, and she's so depressed... it's painful to watch. And it's just that I spent the whole summer at home, surrounded by all this daily feeling of sadness and grief that I felt no one could fix, and when I went back to London I felt like I had to force myself to move on and it's worked a little bit, but... but it's not like that for her. At home nothing has changed. She's still so sad and so deep in that pain that... I think, I think it's unsustainable now.

—Is she getting psychological support?

—Yes, yes she is, she... she's been in psychiatric treatment almost since my father died, because she started having anxiety and anger attacks that were not at all usual, she had never been like that, and, honestly, for us it was terrifying to see her become someone we didn't recognise and didn't know how to control —he confessed, his voice breaking as he spoke and a lump in his throat coming back, less than before, but still present—. It was a nightmare and I spent all those first weeks so busy just taking care of her and saving her from her breakdowns that... it took me a month to realise that he... he really had died. And what that meant for me. A whole month in which I couldn't really cry.

—It's okay, slow down... —said his partner subtly, noticing that those words were still heavy, the way he looked down at the ground and unintentionally squeezed Kai's hand. 

—It's just that when he died, I really couldn't believe it. And not in the figurative sense, but in the sense that I really couldn't believe that he was the person who died, the one in that coffin, the one we buried. I watched his burial and I couldn't get tears out even though I knew that was what I should be doing, and that those tears would come one day, it's just that I didn't actually realise that it was really happening. It felt like it was just another one of those days when I didn't see him, because he had gone somewhere far away, but I didn't have to worry because he would come back eventually. And after all that and being at home with my mother, it took a lot of crying with no rest and no real feelings at the same time to get to the night where I cried fully aware of why I was crying.

Kai nodded, looking into his eyes as if she could tell him how much he wished he could have been there for him at that moment.

—That's when you realised....

—When I knew he wasn't coming back ever. He wasn't travelling, not in Portsmouth, not anywhere I could go to see him, and now I wasn't even going to be able to see him ever again. There would be no more news of him, he wasn't going to do any more things, nothing. He would simply become nothing in this world.

Kai understood the expression Mason made unconsciously, pursing his lips, and shaking his head. It was certain that this was something he'd thought about so many nights that he knew exactly how to explain it to himself, and at the same time, he could sense a hint of guilt in his voice.

—You can pause if you need to.

—No, don't worry, it's fine... I still don't know what to do about this, because... My sister just called me earlier; my mum hasn't stopped getting worse and everything has become too heavy for her, and she can't take it anymore, Kai —he looked him in the eye, despair piercing through his words and a couple of tears pooling in his eyes—. And now I don't know what to do. I gotta do something, because my niece doesn't deserve to go through this, and I can't let this destroy my sister's mental health, I can't leave her alone, but I don't know what else to do, I can't leave my life either, because it's up to me to pay the bills, and I, I... I don't know, I don't know what I should do, I feel like every time these things happen I'm reminded that my life will never be the same again, that this has really ruined my life and everything that I think I've managed to move forward is going backwards. It's like I can never really move on.

Kai looked at him sympathetically, but without minimising his feelings at all, despite trying to reassure him. He waited a few seconds, long enough for his tears to stop steadily, and with a napkin helped him to wipe them away.

—It's not like that, Mase, you know it's not. You've done it, you've done a lot, it's just that you can't pick up everything that's fallen all at once. I think... God, it's hard because I know I don't even seem like the right person to talk about this, but... I know that death is one of those things that changes your life completely, but getting to feel grounded again is a process where you have to address one by one the things that have fallen out of place. You can do it, but you have to start with a small part, and you've already done that.

Mason remembered what Kai had told him about his childhood, about that time when his grandfather died and in a span of time many other people his age died in their small town as well. He remembered when Kai told him about all the funerals he had been to as a child, and it didn't seem unreasonable to him that Havertz had observed, like a curious child, the way mourning unfolded in his acquaintances. Kai was not new to the subject, for what it was worth that he was such a strange person in many respects.

—I think in this case it's disappointing that as soon as I feel like I'm rebuilding something with myself, these situations make me feel like I have to rush to move on and do something about all the other problems soon, and it's heavy for me too.

—I understand. It shouldn't have to be rushed. 

—My family needs me, Kai. And one way or another it's something I can't change. I wish I had a little more time, or that it was something I could fix just by wishing for it.

He didn't know how to read the look on Kai's face, because as much as it was sympathetic to what Mason was saying, it seemed almost desperate for a better answer, some good news, something that could solve all his problems.

—Mason, I'm sure it's very difficult, I just... I just want to tell you that still, if there's one thing I can assure you, it's that you're not alone in this. You've got your friends and, and... and I'm here. And if at any point you're afraid of being alone in this, I'm here, and I'm here telling you right now sincerely that... you don't have to go through these moments alone, I can... hold you and stay here while you find a way through it and help you figure out or... whatever it is that you need. I know I can't do much to help you, but I want to do what's in my power, so... —he took a breath— Even if you feel like every other person is leaving you alone, that won't happen with me, and if I have to be a fucking night owl that watches over you every night so I know you'll be okay, then I'll do it. I'll do everything in my power to make sure you're okay. Okay?

Kai gasped as he looked at him, and Mason could feel his nervousness, but he knew he wasn't doubting his words, just Mason's reaction to them.

I wish you knew you had nothing to fear from me either, Kai. 

Mason nodded, though it was harder for him to crack a smile when unwanted thoughts were creeping into his head at the mere idea of this future that drove him crazy and that he couldn't imagine living in at times. But sometimes, like now, he could consider how much company he was in, and while it wasn't as good as it would be for his father to be there, it was reassuring to know that if Kai was there at the worst of times, at least the worst case scenario wouldn't happen, at least Kai would run to his aid and do something to bring his mind back to earth and help him work it out, as he was doing at the moment.

—I forgot —he said, with a half-smile—the fact that it's not all on me, maybe I can... I can come up with something without carrying it all alone.

—I'm glad I'm here to help remind you. I don't want you to forget that so often —Havertz tried to move closer, but it seemed that something in himself made him pull back out of caution of making him uncomfortable.

It was just that Mason wanted him close too, he did, so he wasn't about to let him think otherwise: he reached out his own arm towards Kai's shoulders, because if he'd already dared to do things he wouldn't normally do, he could do it again.

And so he drew him to himself, pressing his forehead to the taller man's shoulder and closing his eyes so that he could consciously feel that embrace, the way he knew Kai was feeling it too.

It took them a while to pull away from each other, and after staying together and hearing nothing but each other's breathing and the softest music coming from the flat of one of the neighbours across the street, it was the last thing he wanted to do to get away from the person who gave him that feeling of peace and quiet. He had a feeling Kai felt the same way, considering the silence filled by a short exchange of glances they had shared on that couch before looking behind them, at the large open window next to the dining room behind the living room.

—I guess I'm a little too technical-brained, you know? —Mason said, suddenly— In terms of, when things don't work out, I get very frustrated. I guess growing up training to be a football player makes you think that properly executed things should work, and everything has a system and making things work is up to you, and then, when confronted with things like this, with the feelings... it's just really hard for me to realise that there's not a step by step procedure that you follow and it fixes everything.

—Mase, you need to remember that these things are not something you can really control. A lot of the things that affect you... they're not in your control, that happens sometimes, and even though people say you can decide how they affect you, that's not entirely true. You can control what actions you respond with, but not what you will or won't feel, or how long you're going to feel it, and there are situations that are just too damn hard to deal with.

He nodded, with a resigned smile. 

—Thank you, Kai. I really needed to hear all this.

The younger man returned a serene smile. He swore those clear eyes could make anyone feel like looking at an oasis in the middle of the desert. Those eyes told him that the things Kai had said about staying by his side actually came from something none of them would dare put into words: he didn't need to know at that moment what it would mean, it was enough to know that when they stood by each other, it felt like the sea breeze on the shore on a summer's night. As if everything could really be all right.

He did not know if it would be appropriate then to move closer to him again. The conversation seemed serious, despite the understanding in his words and the trust he already knew they had in each other, and somehow he feared he was acting completely out of place, but it was true that something inside him was asking for another hug, another reminder that it wasn't all bad all of a sudden. 

He knew it wasn't right, so he held back the urge and rested both palms on the back of the couch, turning his body so he could look out comfortably, and tried to concentrate on his increasingly regulated breathing. In the distance, to the left side of his view, he could always see through the window a stretch of one of the city's major motorways; it was always just a motion detail in the distance, but recently they had installed a couple of huge LED screens that displayed commercial advertisements all day long and made the skyline look much more cityscape-like. And tonight also seemed like a busy night, so he preferred not to think about anything but those window blinds with the lights on behind them that he'd seen on his way home, and now those cars speeding across the motorway, and Mason wondered who would be in those places. Where those cars were going, which people were crossing the street, what was going on behind the curtains of their windows: that moment when he noticed that there were so many people out there with a life, with problems, joys, feelings and complexities, and then it wasn't just about him, even though he often didn't notice it. That was why he so enjoyed observing places like this, where life passed quickly, and he could at times immerse himself for a while in the view of a spectator, not dealing with his own life and just watching how others dealt with theirs. 

That's one of the things I loved the most when I came to London. Being able to do this.

—It makes you feel a little better, doesn't it? —Kai said suddenly. Mason was about to answer him by following the thoughts in his mind, but he remembered that Kai hadn't been listening to them. 

—What... what do you mean?

—This —he said, shrugging as he looked at him—. Sometimes it's just being able to sit back and remember that a lot of people are going through this, too. 

—Oh... yeah. Yeah, a little bit, I was just thinking about that. I wouldn't say that seeing other people go through hardships is nice, but honestly, it's a little comforting.

Kai let out a quiet laugh, which made him feel calm.

—Well, maybe it's not the fact of seeing other people go through trouble, but the fact of seeing them overcome it. I mean, knowing that other people make it, and then why couldn't you? Right?

—I think a lot about why all this seems so much harder for me than it seems to be for others.

—I don't think it's easier for other people —he smiled—. Besides, it's not like anyone feels totally in control of their life. There will always be hurricanes that you can't avoid. And there's a certain peace in knowing that it's never going to be completely right. It's like turning off an alarm, you know? 

—What do you mean? —And somehow, he actually felt like he knew a little bit of what Kai meant.

—I mean... —he sighed, not knowing exactly the words that would express what he was trying to tell him— You know how sometimes people decide to do the right thing even if that is the hardest way to do things? 

—Uh... yes, yes, I think I understand.

—Well, I think it works both ways. I mean, I think sometimes... sometimes you have to stop doing the right thing and just do what you have to do to save the sinking ship, you know? Like those matches where you know the team is playing badly, but you're still winning by a goal, so even though the right thing to do would be to try to score another goal, you know you need to win, so you park the bus and just keep them from scoring. I mean, I know it sounds stupid with that comparison, but I think when things don't work out with an ideal formula, you have to fight for them, even if it's with cheap tricks... I don't know. Does that make sense to you?

Mason was silent for a few seconds, looking him in the eye but concentrating on what he had just said.

—Kai...

—Or maybe not. Well, you know I regularly don't know how to say what I think, so-

—No, no, no, actually... I think I get it. 

—Really?

—Actually... It makes a lot of sense. Kai, I think it makes perfect sense —he said, suddenly looking at him with wide eyes but that serious look.

—Uh, that's, that's good, isn't it? —Mason just nodded quickly, before looking down at the floor and then getting up from his spot and walking towards the living room. Kai looked at him puzzled— Is everything alright, Mase?

—Yes, yes it is! Surprisingly, I think so. Come on, Kai! —he called to him. The younger boy got off the couch, still not knowing what Mason was looking for there among the sofas. Not finding it, he grabbed Kai's hand without even thinking about what he was doing or the inevitable sheepish grin it provoked in his mate, as, hand in hand, they hurried up the stairs to Mount's room.

—Do you want me to help you? —he asked once they were upstairs. Mason had most of his room cleaned, but the tiny desk under his window was still overrun with some of the clothes and things he usually carried in his travel bag for matches. It was exactly there that he found what he was looking for.

—No, don't worry, here it is! 

With his laptop in one hand and a folded and crumpled leaflet in the other, Mount threw them both near the head of his bed and dropped onto the mattress, but not before taking Kai by the wrist and guiding him to lie down beside him. The German might have been completely lost as to what was going on, but he couldn't help but smile at how close he was to Mason. As Mount turned on the laptop and opened his browser, Havertz took the time to pick up that brochure and open it.

In it were beautiful images of residential buildings and, in the last part, a couple of telephone numbers. 

—What's all this, Mase?

—Well, you see —he said, typing on his computer— When I decided to rent this flat, the people who own this place told me that if I ever had any interest in selling a property, to give them a call. 

—Are you going to sell your flat?!

—No, no. No, I'm going to sell the house on the beach, the one I bought for my parents a year ago.

—Why are you going to do that?

—To... do what I have to do —he said, unable to find the words to speak with confidence— and bring my family to London

Chapter Text

Under a watchful eye, he picked up the silver spoon, looked at it with a confused gesture and then checked the other pieces of cutlery he had next to his plate, wrapped in a napkin. He chose from among them the knife, which he set aside, and proceeded to discreetly pick up the one left over: another spoon, identical to the one he had. Noticing his unwise choice of cutlery, the young German glanced towards the dining room bar and slipped one of the spoons into his pocket. He seemed about to get up, but eventually just sat back down again and began awkwardly eating his salad with the help of both spoons. 

Erin couldn't help a grimace in which the lack of surprise and a bit of cringe made her involuntarily show her clenched teeth, as a failed smile.

She didn't normally judge people, or even look at them for long, because as a child her parents had told her it wasn't polite, but she was trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. It was a big deal on this one: if she had been observing Kai Havertz attentively for at least a couple of days during lunchtime and after practice, it wasn't at all with the intention of making him uncomfortable, but because, after what had happened the last time she had visited Mason's flat, she was more than confused about Kai Havertz.

Mason had already told her that he was a strange person, that his actions were sometimes puzzling and that he didn't really have a clear explanation for it, but her friend always assured her that despite everything, Kai was not a bad person and didn't act in ways that hurt him. On the contrary, Mason had told her about all the times in those days when Kai had been beyond kind to him, had taken care of him during difficult times, and had stayed in his flat trying to make him smile. And Erin couldn't help but smile at the thought.

She'd been there from the first moment Mason had confessed to doubting his sexual orientation, quietly accompanying him but also insisting over and over again that it was no big deal, that it wasn't that hard to live within sexual diversity in practice, that he had nothing to be afraid of, even though she knew it wasn't as simple as saying it. She simply didn't want to scare him, and it was also exciting for her to think of having a mate within that world that she had never dared to be so close to. Of course, as a not-so-openly lesbian girl, it was exciting to perhaps have a non-heterosexual best friend to share those things she didn't tell anyone else, despite how long the road to self-acceptance had been for Mason.

She found it sad that her best friend had just managed to proudly (and uncomfortably at the same time) assure her that he was also attracted to men in February of that year, and had to completely forget about it in therapy only a couple of months later, when his father passed away. And that was exactly why she was so intrigued by Mason's current moment in his love life: to her, it had been obvious from the beginning that Kai attracted Mason's attention in a sense beyond simple curiosity, but two days ago they had talked about him again and things seemed more than clear:

—I think I'm getting more and more confident about it, —Mason had told him a couple of days ago, in the girls' flat as the two of them tried to follow a recipe for truffles.

—You mean about being bisexual?

—Yeah. Well, I mean, bisexual or pansexual or whatever, I mean... I don't really care much about naming it, but I'm sure gender isn't something that matters much to me or affects my... attraction, either.

—I'm pretty proud of you. Somehow, it's nice to know that it's one thing you're being able to articulate after living it. I'd like to think Kai's been helpful with that.

—I'm sure of that.

—That you like Kai?

—Y-yes. And yet, hearing it out loud like that is a little... —Mason laughed, eliciting a short laugh from her as well, which she apologised for letting out— You know, I'm not that used to hearing it.

—I get it, I get it. But I'm glad to hear you're more sure of how you feel now.

—And less sure about how he feels....

—Hey, it doesn't really matter that much. When you fall in love... I think that in a way, enjoying your feelings is something for you, not for the other person to approve of. I mean... I think falling in love is a privilege that we should enjoy more, even if it's in silence.

Mason had looked at her with surprise at that moment, as he continued to knead the dark dough in his hands.

—So you say clever things sometimes —Erin replied to that by playfully throwing one of the kitchen towels she was holding nearby at him—. Sorry, I had to say it, —he admitted with a laugh— but actually, I understand quite exactly that... and I suppose you mean, you know, same-gender relationships?

—Yeah, that's right. Exactly —she said, taking on a more serious countenance, as she put aside the bowl in which she was mixing the ingredients for a moment to face him—. You know, it's been... it's always been kind of hard to deal with falling in love with girls who would never see me as more than a friend, or just having no idea if there was even a chance that they'd like another girl at all. And it's harder because it's something that happens to me so often, —she said with a not-so-proud smile— but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that I really believe that being in love is a privilege. At least being able to tell myself that I'm in love and that it's with another woman is something that a lot of girls can't do, and even if it's not reciprocated... I don't know, I just think there's something pretty special about knowing that you can feel it and that nothing's going to happen to you because of it. You can enjoy it.

Of course she still firmly believed in it, but she knew that things could clearly be even better if the other person reciprocated those feelings, and that's why she wanted to know more about who and how Kai Havertz was, the man for whom her best friend was now drawing smiley faces on the glass of the buses when they came home at night.

And honestly, so far she wasn't too impressed, in a good and a bad way. She had been observing him for a couple of days and it was well established that he was not an outgoing person, he didn't talk much with the rest of his teammates and during lunches he always concentrated on eating. He was also a rather distracted person, she could even say that he seemed a bit naïve because of that, but among all these characteristics, she could well conclude that he was not someone who looked particularly intimidating, despite his 6'2" height and piercing gaze.

On the contrary, his shy demeanour and his reluctance to chat more with his compatriots in German during mealtime gave Erin the impression that he was a quite private and mysterious guy. She had contemplated the option of approaching him in a friendly way, but that was something even Mason didn't do: in fact, one of the things that struck her most was how every time Mason tried to approach him at Cobham, whether it was in the dining area, on his way out of practice or at breakfast, Havertz didn't even seem like he was really close to him, they didn't even seem like friends. If she hadn't known that Kai visited his best friend's house almost every night, had told him almost his entire life story, and sometimes even acted overly affectionate with him, she probably wouldn't have thought they even talked beyond greetings and goodbyes because they were on the same team. Mason often told her about what happened on those nights, about the looks and the hugs that put that dreamy look on his face, but the truth was that when she would see them not come close to each other or even exchange words during the day, it seemed incredible to her that Kai was the same person Mason often talked about.

—Hey!

The voice that spoke almost in her ear from her side gave her a startle that was hard to hide, and even more so when she noticed that the voice was that of her teammate and flatmate. Alsu smiled at her, amused by the fright she had caused by arriving so suddenly. She sat down across the table from her.  

—Hey —she smiled back.

—What were you watching? Your food looks cold already.

—Huh? Oh, ya, no, I hadn't noticed, —she excused herself nervously—. Well, uh, I think, I think I like my bread a little....

—Soaked?

—Yes... yes.

—Well, I won't judge that —he shrugged, making her laugh—. So, what were you doing?

—Uh, I, I was, well, just... thinking. 

—Oh. I see... —she said, cautious not to ask more than was appropriate.

—It's nothing secret, don't worry. In fact, Alsu, I have a question. Well, it's more of a concern and I think it would be nice to know your opinion.

—Yes, of course! —she said, looking into her eyes. Her curiosity made her a little nervous, but Erin thought of the most reasonable case she could imagine at the time.

—Well, you see, I was on the phone with my younger sister yesterday and she told me about this guy she likes. Apparently they met over the summer and were dating, but now that they're back at school he doesn't treat her the same way in class, you know? She said that at school he acts like they're not that close, but he's really nice to her when they go out on dates, and he's kind, and she thinks he could be a proper boyfriend, but she doesn't understand why his attitude changes so much when they're not alone.

—My God, your little sister is in a very Grease situation.

—Huh?

—Like the movie Grease. Haven't you seen it?

Oh, of course, couldn't you have a slightly more innovative mind, Erin! she thought to herself, avoiding blushing with all her effort as she noticed the creative slip of his mind while smiling on the outside.

—Oh, uh, yeah, well, no, I haven't seen the film, although I've heard of it —she lied, nodding with a smile she tried to appear convincing—. Is, is that what happens in the film?

—Yes, that's exactly what happens to Sandy, the main character, with the boy she likes. I don't think I should tell you any more about it. We should see it at one of our movie nights —she smiled.

—Yeah! Yeah, sure, I'd love to.

—When I was a kid I saw it many times, it was one of my parents' favourite films.

—Oh? Wow, that's interesting.

—Yes, I know it sounds weird —she said a little embarrassed—. It was one of the first American films to be brought to Tartaristan after the war and my parents loved it, so I've seen it hundreds of times —she smiled—. That's why I think it sounds so much like the main character in that film.

—And what happens at the end? 

—I'm not going to tell you, you have to watch it with me! —She said cheerfully— Though one thing I can tell you is that a lot of people say that the entire movie is just Sandy's own dream.

—Oh, you wouldn't believe what my sister would think of that idea —she shook her head, immediately recalling the first time Mason told her about Kai—. So you think I should watch the movie to give my little sister some advice?

—Uh... no, no, probably not. Well, I think it depends a lot on how he acts around her. Maybe she should just ask him what's going on or maybe she should investigate on her own what's making him act like that. Although I think it would be a better idea t....

—I like that idea. Yeah, I think I'm definitely going to tell her that. There's a lot of weirdos out there and maybe she should make sure he's not some freak first.

—Oh, well, yeah, that's true. Still, maybe he's not a bad guy and he just needs to get a few things straightened out. We all have to learn to be better people.

—Yeah, that's true,—she admitted—. Well, now that I think about it, I guess we were all good and bad people at some point, and the important thing is to learn from what we don't want to repeat... Mason once said that to me. 

—I agree with him... And, in fact, he's a great example, I'm afraid I sounded rude to him the first time I met him, but I didn't know that some people in England were so outgoing and I didn't know how to behave with that —she apologised with a little laugh.

—Oh, yes, I remember that well. He was a very outgoing and cheerful person before... before what happened to his father, you know.

—Yeah, it was a pretty big change... by the way, is he okay? I didn't hear him call you this morning, or yesterday.

—Yeah, yeah, I think he's okay. Well, actually I'm not sure, he went out to a concert with another one of our friends and maybe he got a bit sleepless because of it. Besides, I think he was going to hang out with one of the new guys after that to watch a movie or something, —she nodded, taking a bite from her food plate. Alsu was right, the bread wasn't crispy anymore, and she didn't really like it that way, but now she had to keep up the little lie—. One of the new guys is becoming good mates with Mason, so I think that's good, because I wouldn't want him to feel left out with the amount of players that are joining in.

—Oh, which one? I don't think I know much about the men's team —she admitted sheepishly.

—It's Kai Havertz, the German guy, very tall, brown hair —she specified, trying to draw as little attention as possible. Nevertheless, Alsu did not think twice before looking directly in the direction across the room to the side of the table where the Germans on the men's team were eating their meals—. Yes... He seems like a nice person, although I find it a bit strange that he seems so... mysterious. Maybe he's just German.

—Oh, well, I don't really judge him on that —Alsu replied without hesitation—. It's hard to come to another country without knowing anyone and without English being your native language. I would probably act the same as him.

—Really?

—Well, I'm very shy and it's not easy to make friends, maybe I wouldn't have talked to anyone if it wasn't for you coming over to talk to me and introducing me to the other girls —she said, with a smile that had turned her cheeks bright red. 

. Erin couldn't help but totally forget what they were talking about when that sight crossed her gaze, because she looked so adorable when she laughed like that, which immediately brought a smile to her face—. You were really nice to me when I first came here.

—Well, I think it's a bit more than being nice...

—Huh?

—Uh, I mean, well... I liked you. I think from the moment I saw you, I liked you... a lot.

—I thought no one was going to like me, and I also thought it was going to be difficult because I wouldn't know how to explain myself if they all disliked me for some reason —she admitted with a coy laugh.

—Oh, come on, and why would everyone dislike you? You're the sweetest girl in this place.

—I don't know, I don't know... thanks, too —she nodded, her cheeks still flushed. Erin felt herself getting bolder and bolder about telling her teammate how much she liked her, and at the same time, she thought that if she didn't understand by that point that she was being romantic, she'd soon go crazy—. Uh... I forgot what I was going to say. 

—It was about why the rest of the girls wouldn't like you, so I'm sure it was going to be an incorrect opinion —she said, unable to keep the glee off her face.

—You see? You've always been like that with me. You're a sweet person, too.

Erin's feet, dangling slightly off the chair she was sitting in, moved as if involuntarily following the rhythm of a song. The blonde also wasn't noticing how her face was wearing a huge smile and her eyes were probably shining brighter than the light of the miraculously sunny day.

—It's because I like you a lot —she said, as she snapped out of it and began to eat her salad again. Alsu's close gaze on her made her eat hurriedly.

—I like you a lot, too. And on top of everything else you have helped me to speak English better. You have helped me in many things... I think I understand that guy well, maybe he just needs a person who is good to him and patient. Too good maybe, like you are with me. 

—Uh, well... —she hesitated with a grin— I'm sure Mason is definitely a great fit for that, and... I'm happy to be that person for you. I can always be your translator chaperone all over London, if there's anywhere you haven't been —she shrugged.

—Uh, well, let me think — she said playfully, as she munched on a piece of vegetarian dumpling and gave her a thoughtful expression— You know which place I'd really like you to take me to? Well, two places.

—Oh, okay, all right, tell me.

—First, Soho. I've been here for over half a year and I've never been to Soho, you guys never go there, but I've seen pictures on Instagram and it looks like a nice place... and, plus, there's bars and nightclubs. It's not like I specifically want to go there —she laughed— but I haven't been to a party since I got here either. I've never been to one in Russia.

—What?! Oh, Alsu, we really need to take you there! I mean, we don't usually go to clubs, but I'm sure there are plenty of parties around here.

—Hey, but I'll only feel safe if you go with me —she warned her, a little more self—consciously.

—I will, I won't leave your side... In fact, you know, I think there was a party that Mason wanted us to go to and I told him I wouldn't go, because of the movie nights we planned, so...

—Well, I've seen Grease a lot, but I've never been to a party. We could save the movie for the next day.

—Or watch it when we get home.

—Maybe we'd be too late for that —she smiled— and if I have my first beer, I might not be able to stay awake. 

—Well, we could watch it in my room, and then we wouldn't have to get up if we fell asleep. 

Alsu looked straight into her eyes, with a smile that seemed to finally suspect something of what Erin was trying to express to her all along. She so wished she could know what was going through Alsu's mind, but she could only hope it was something positive.

—You know what? I like that plan.

Erin understood in less than a second the look Alsu gave her with that comment, and smiled as she noticed the playful gesture. She had to take her out on a night like this, she already knew the city lights, the music and the beautiful view of London at night, and she couldn't wait to see it all through her teammate's beautiful eyes.

By the time the sun was setting in the west of the city, Erin's phone still hadn't rung with that ringing alert tone she'd set for Mason's messages. She'd tried to look for him during the breaks she'd had from training, but the only confirmation she'd gotten was that he was definitely training as well, as she saw him for a few seconds resting by the fence of the pitch where the men were training. How distracted he seemed was her main concern. 

As she walked to the outside of the training centre, having taken one last look around the dining hall for her friend, the latter was already at the bus stop, deep in thought and not taking his eyes off the screen of his phone, where ads for classifieds were scrolling up rapidly and he was barely pausing to read more than the title. He had sent a few messages already, more than ten for sure, and although interested parties usually replied, nothing came to concrete deals. He knew it was too early to start losing his mind and that he should keep his cool about it, that kind of selling wasn't quick, but after a day and a half of sending out proposals that had all ended in him being left on read, Mason couldn't help but feel increasingly anxious and discouraged. 

It's probably not good for my mental health. It's definitely not a good time for me to put myself through all the things that come with selling a whole damn house. How I wish I was medicated at this point.... 

His phone started ringing in his hands, causing him to jump out of his seat.

Or did he just wish things were simpler?

—Hello? 

—Mase?! Where are you? I've been looking everywhere for you in the training centre.

—Oh, ah, Er, it's...sorry, I'm...I'm here —he said, looking around. He'd been so distracted that he wasn't even really aware of where he was—. I'm at the bus stop.

—You didn't know where you were? Mase, are you okay?

—Honestly... no. I'm not. Honestly, I'm not. Er. I'm a bit distracted...

—You walked to the bus stop like that, Mase... Listen, stay there, please.

—But...

—Please stay where you are, don't go home yet. I'll go with you —she said, and hung up immediately.

Mason sighed, staring at the phone in his hands. The sky was brighter today compared to the rest of the week, but he still didn't feel that way. His mind was still on what had happened the day before, on the call with his sister and the other call he'd had with the real estate agents he'd contacted earlier today.

Of course, he had discovered that selling a property was not as easy as they had made buying it look. While the agency had been extremely friendly and had given him every facility to buy that house on the beach more than a year ago, but now, when he had contacted them about selling that same house, the agency had given him much less friendly answers: the client portfolio was not that wide, nobody was looking for a summer house in the middle of autumn approaching winter, it was difficult to sell properties after the pandemic. Conditions were simply not adequate now, he had been told, so although they would do their best, they recommended him to find a client on his own and then turn to them to carry out the rest of the sales process in conjunction with a prior agreement.

A prior agreement. What a bullshit. It was all he could think about. My mother could kill herself at any moment and somehow it's all about money again. What a fucking bullshit.

And it was, but there was nothing he could do to change that, and the pressure to sell as soon as possible was hanging over him like a shadow reminding him that there was a lot at stake, but there was a lot to win. He had spoken to his sister in the morning as well to tell her of his plan and she had reminded him that a house move was not just any old thing, that there was a lot to worry about and expenses to think about, but at least they had agreed that she, her husband and daughter were willing to move to London with their mother if it was possible with the sale of the house, considering that their salaries were not enough to think about a sudden change of scenery so simply either. 

Mason felt the weight of responsibility shift to his back as he assured her that it was entirely possible, that he would sell that house and the money would be enough to cover it all, even though his sister didn't sound entirely convinced that it was true.

He wasn't either, but he needed hope. They needed hope, and if that pressure on him could give his family a little hope, then he would take it.

He sighed, watching Erin appear across the street, ignoring the traffic lights and running across the pavement to get to him. Her cheeks looked as red as a pair of tomatoes when she reached his side at the bus stop, her tired breathing in his ear as she sat down next to him on the bench and hugged him immediately. He thanked her wordlessly, hugging her tightly too.

—You scared the hell out of me, dumbass.

—I'm sorry.

—Are you all right? You haven't called me all day, I've been worried sick.

—I'm sorry, Er, and... yeah, yeah, don't worry, I'm fine, it's... it's just —he sighed, shaking his head without looking at her—. There's problems again.

—With, with the team or at home?

—With my mum. Sorry I didn't call you today, I've been thinking about it all day and I can't really think of anything else because.... 

—But what happened? Is she okay? 

—Yeah, she's fine at the moment but yesterday she had another crisis you know? My sister called me last night, she was crying and she was so desperate... she told me that my mum went into breakdown and she feels like she can't cope anymore, because it's really affecting her mental health to look after my mum by herself, and my mum just seems to get better but then things like this happen and it seems like she hasn't really moved on at all, and when I see these things it makes me feel so messed up that I feel like I can't move on at all either, but also I can't keep doing this and leaving all these things to my sister to deal with.

—But, Mase, you can't do anything else, you need to be here with the team, your family depends on your job. 

—I know, I know, that's exactly why I'm so... so desperate. Yesterday I felt like everything came crashing down with my sister's phone call, and I couldn't do anything, I couldn't even stop crying.

—Mason, please don't hesitate to call me when things are wrong, you know I'd leave any place if you tell me something's not right, just call me.

—Thank you, Er... and I was going to do it last night, I really was, it's just that when I started overthinking everything I couldn't keep my mind on anything else, I really couldn't do anything but cry. 

—Mase, you know Ben says you can't be alone when these things happen, it's not safe. It doesn't make me any calmer to know that this happened last night and anything could have happened without us knowing....

—Uh, I... well, I, I wasn't really alone. I was sitting on the floor, I was going to call you when I felt calmer, but before that Kai came to my flat and hugged me.

—Oh, no.

—No, no, it was actually a positive thing. It didn't feel uncomfortable.

—Oh... Oh, so you were comfortable with it?

—Uh, yeah, well, I think it was very helpful that he came over, he helped me calm down and he wasn't at all intrusive, he's very respectful.

—Well, he is but... wait, you left your flat door open again?!

—Well, that's not the point —he shook his head slightly, not really being able to remember—. He was very helpful. He was with me the whole time and we talked and... yeah, actually, he said something like this to me, he told me that I didn't have to do these things on my own and that he wasn't going to leave me alone with all this. I think he really cares about me, you know? The... the things he said to me yesterday were really sincere, he spoke to me like you or Ben would have and somehow I'm sure he meant what he said, about how he's not going to leave me alone. I mean, just... everything he does for me and all the time he spends by my side even when I'm a fucking mess is really sincere.

Erin's cheeks were increasingly returning to their natural colour, her breath more relaxed once she began to cool herself by tying her hair into a ponytail. She was now staring at the pavement of the street in front of them, lit partially and every so often by the sun behind the scattered clouds. 

Mason didn't know it, but in her mind she remembered what she had observed from Kai during those days, and the assumptions she couldn't help but have about him. She wondered how it was possible that things seemed so drastically at odds with the kind of person she could see in Kai, and though she had thought so often about all the ways this guy could hurt her best friend, she couldn't help but think that the way he cared for Mason, the times he'd stayed with him through difficult times, and all the nights he'd traveled all the way to Mason's place just to talk, couldn't have been meaningless. 

Maybe she was being too hard on him. Even if it wasn't easy to see it in the light of day, Kai was putting so much effort with the problems and well-being of a teammate he'd barely met that summer that, if she thought about it, he couldn't possibly be truly indifferent to him. There could be any number of reasons, from fear to a mental trait, but Erin was certain that Kai was not, in fact, indifferent to his friend. Maybe it was entirely the opposite.

—I think he actually fancies you. He does love you.

Her best friend even seemed to stop breathing, taken aback by her words but at the same time flushing his cheeks a slight reddish colour. His lips hesitated to speak.

—Uh, well...th-that's not the most important thing right now, right now, right now he just... gave me a good idea, I think. Listen, Er, Kai told me yesterday that sometimes it's not about doing what's right, it's about doing what's necessary until the hardest things are over, and I think, in this case, what I need to do if I can't leave London is to bring my family to London.

—What? —She expressed surprised— Do you mean a moving? —He nodded— I mean... Mason, it's not that simple, if you bring your mother to London she'll only be even more lonely. If you want to bring her you'd have to bring your whole family, because you can't put her in a flat on her own or make her stay in your flat all day while you're training, and you can't take her everywhere with you. I don't know if you are aware that you would have to....

—Bring my sister too. And my brother-in-law and my niece. I have to bring all four of them.

—Mase, I mean, that's crazy... 

—But it's necessary. I can't leave my sister alone in this, and I don't want to have that gut feeling that if something bad happened with my mum I'd still have to travel almost three hours by train to get to her, because an emergency could happen at any time, and if that happens it could be too late, Er. And, listen, I know it sounds crazy, but I also know that when things are a matter of life and death as they are in this case, I can't limit myself with a less-than-drastic plan. I already lost my dad, and an hour and a half separated me from at least being able to say goodbye to him in the hospital —he said, his determined eyes threatening to become teary— Now I know I have to do whatever it takes not to lose my mother as well. 

She looked into his eyes, and somehow understood what was in them. And thinking about it, she understood that he was right, because when Mason's father had died, he had jumped into the first taxi he could find as soon as he was told that his father had gone into cardiac arrest, but no sooner had he been able to get out of the traffic on the outskirts of London in that vehicle before Mr. Mount had passed away, and it had broken his best friend in a way that she couldn't even begin to explain. Of course Mason wouldn't be willing to risk it again.

—Yes. —You're right. I understand.

—I know it's hard, but if she's here, we'll all be here; Will, Emma, my brother-in-law, me. At least we'll all be in the same place, and if we can all take care of her and we can all be there for her, then maybe this can really start to get better. And... at the moment I'm sure I don't have the money for my whole family to come, but yesterday it occurred to me that I could sell the summer house. I'm sure that will be enough to at least bring them here and rent a flat until I can buy something better for them.

—And do you think they'll agree?

—I'm sure if they understand that this is what we have to do, they will. The plan is this, Er: I'll go and talk to them tomorrow, I'll travel to Portsmouth exactly as soon as the training is over, I'll talk to them about it and hopefully we'll have some optimism about making the move as soon as possible. Whilst that happens, I think my sister and my mum could possibly do with preparing things for the move and having that on their minds. Selling the house is actually the hardest part.

—Oh, well, I'm sure a lot of people want a house on the beach, mate.

—Yeah, in Cancun or Copacabana, Er. Apparently it's not the most attractive thing to have a beach house in the UK, and besides the economic crisis isn't helping. I've been trying all night and all day to advertise everywhere I can, but the most I've got is a huge hundred people asking me for information and then never replying again, and honestly I'm a bit frustrated.

—Well, first of all, you need to be realistic, mate. A house is a huge thing, it's not like selling a pair of shoes, which is hard enough in London —she grimaced—. You've been advertising it for less than a day, you need to calm down! Listen, right now we should go to your flat and start preparing the things you're going to take to Portsmouth... and what you're going to tell your sister and your mum. And besides, how about I call Ben so we can talk to him about the whole idea? We could all post the beach house and also tell our... Hey, I've got an idea! God, what an idiot, Mase! You're a footballer!

—Huh?

—You're a football player! Right now you may not be having the best time financially but, hey, you train every day with guys who, for the most part, have money to spare, you know? All the players who earn more than you, I mean, I guess some of them might be attracted to a little house with a beach in front of it just two and a half hours from where they work! An hour and a bit, if they have a car. 

—OK, well, that sounds somehow more appealing. I'm not sure it's something they think about, but some of them actually earn a lot more than me....  

—Hey, and... There's something I wasn't going to mention to you anymore, but I think maybe it might help. Remember Kepa's party that you didn't want to go to alone? Well, maybe you should; there'll be all the guys there, lots of players from Spain and I'm sure those Spanish guys from Arsenal, Tottenham and their friends. You should go.

—To promote the house I'm selling? —he laughed, eliciting the same gesture from her. Erin let out a soft slap on the back of his head.

—You dumbass —she smiled—. Not exactly, but to break the record for casually talking at least once in different conversations about the beautiful, peaceful beach house your sister is selling on the shores of the refreshing English sea. 

—In Charles Dickens' town —he joked.

—In Charles Dickens' town! —she nodded, with a big smile. She slung her backpack over her shoulder again, seeing several streets away what appeared to be the bus they were both taking to their neighbourhood, and beckoning with one hand for her companion to rise— I think you should go to that party.

—Yes, I will. Only if you go with me.

She rolled her eyes, before smiling.

—Of course. But the first thing is to think of some casual ways for us to talk to the people of that house. And plan a list of potential buyers as well, so we'll need to stalk a lot of people.

Mason stood up from his seat then, noticing the bus approaching in the distance.

—You know, the whole situation felt a lot worse a few minutes ago. 

She couldn't help but laugh at that statement. She knew things were like that sometimes.

The next thing on both of their minds was less about talking and more about listening to the music Mason played for them both through his ear buds on the bus. He still felt nervous, really really nervous, but at least there was some optimism in Erin telling him that the whole house sale thing had a lot to improve and a whole plan to work out to make it work, even more so when he could get help from other people.

The truth was that he wasn't yet in the right frame of mind to go to parties, and the one Kepa was organising a little over a week before Halloween wasn't shaping up to be a quiet occasion at all, but that's exactly why it was a perfect opportunity for his plans. The Chelsea goalkeeper was one of the most outgoing people he knew, so he had become a good friend since Mason had started training with the senior team, but Kepa was also one of the most effective defenders in the net in the current Spanish national team; despite Chelsea not being one of the best teams in England for several years, Kepa was constantly called up to the national team, so he was a close friend of most of the Spanish players playing in the Premier League, who were likely to be present at his house the following week. 

That, going to a party again after so many months of not doing so, raised doubts in his mind that he didn't even want to think about; about mourning, about other people's opinions, about the way he used to behave, about how he was going to feel. He could lose himself in these ideas for hours and he knew that his thoughts would destroy him inside, but he also knew that he had the ability to choose not to. He could prefer to concentrate on what was happening in the present, on enjoying the music as the bus took them home and then as they walked home, even concentrating on the conversation Erin was having on the phone with Ben to convince him to leave work early and come over to Mason's for a while.

It wasn't too difficult to convince him, when Ben had also been looking forward since midday to getting out of the small but tedious administrative jobs that the small psychology staff had to prepare for every time the team had an important game coming up, such as the game against Tottenham that weekend.

Ben especially had had even more extra work to do in recent weeks, as the reports Jack had given him about Mason began to look better and better. Of course he didn't ignore how much, as a friend, he knew his mate was fighting internal battles with his whole personal life situation, but from what was being reported to him from Jack, he was also sure that Mason was getting better and better at getting stronger mentally and dealing with the situation. He wouldn't tell Mason, but he knew that the depression into which the grief had sunk him was showing better and better signs of disappearing, and that was the best thing that could happen to his career.

The team's head coach had approached his office only a couple of days ago, as he did from time to time, but this time asking specifically about Mason Mount. While Ben had to explain to him that part of his ethics was to protect the private details of his patients, it was also his job to inform Tuchel about the progress of his player's progress in the treatment of his depression, and Ben had been more than happy to share with him about the positive evolution Mason was having in his therapy sessions. And even happier to hear that, in fact, Thomas Tuchel could only confirm that perspective.

He had spoken to him perhaps even more than he would have expected about how much Tuchel wanted to see him play more minutes in games. After the end of last season, when he had had no choice but to relegate him to the bench after performances so poor that they had even infuriated the fans in the stadium, he had tried bringing him on as a substitute and giving his place to newcomer Hakim Ziyech when he returned from the summer; by the end of September, he had begun to start some games, alternating his starts with his teammate, but after that conversation with Chilwell, Thomas Tuchel had expressed his intentions to him:

—You know? What I'm really excited about is seeing that Mason I knew playing as a starter again. Last season, you know, playmaker, bold, fearless, communicating with everyone in the box. He had so much confidence in what he was doing that he made me trust him for the big games, and now I'm starting to see that again. Last season, you know, he completely disappeared, like something in him was gone, and I thought for a moment it might be like these career-ending injuries ... but look at him now. I have a lot to thank you guys for, you've done a great job —he smiled, shaking his hand.

Ben would have liked to tell Tuchel at that moment that the role of a therapist was nothing like that of a physiotherapist, but he preferred to simply thank him for the gesture in a modest way. He added, anyway:

—Well, it's been especially his own efforts. He's a very strong person, actually, with a very high capacity for responsibility, and a very high level of resilience —he said, repeating exactly the words Jack had said to him about Mason in a conversation about his reports— so that's helped him quite a lot in pushing this process forward. It's been very difficult for him, but that doesn't stop him from doing his best to recover mentally.

—I know his resilience is extraordinary. And I'm glad to hear he's doing better, because the plan is to give him confidence again.

—Oh. What do you mean by that?

—Exactly that. I will trust him, I want him to start at midfield left and I want to see if in doing that I see that same star player who could play ninety minutes and shine in all of them. We're not having bad results, so I think I can take that risk, change the line-up for the next game and see how it turns out if he plays the entire game. I think, all in all, his work deserves that confidence.

He didn't want to make his excitement about that information obvious, so he could only limit himself to a sober but agreeing gesture.

—And you think he's ready? With what you've seen in training.

—He's been playing really well, he's really trying hard. To me the question is, is he ready to handle that again? And well, you guys are the therapists, so I want to ask you guys.

That afternoon, Ben regretted tremendously being the most recently employed member of the club's psychology and sports science team: the monitoring, work and planning reporting system that the other members of the psychology team used to provide information to other club authorities was something Ben had never had to use in his career as a sports psychotherapist, so writing the reports each week was an ordeal while he was still learning how to use the system. On that day, both the team boss and the other specialists had finished over an hour ago, so Chilwell was the only one with the light still on in his office available to answer Tuchel's questions. 

He knew that answering that question was literally a way of telling Thomas Tuchel whether he should put on his best friend's shoulders the responsibilities he could deal with before he had gone through that period of his life, and in a way, decide if the hardest part was over. Answering that was the kind of thing it would have been much more responsible to consult with the head of the psychology team, because after all, Ben was only one of three therapists they had, but he also knew that his opinion alone could give Mason wonderful news.

He decided to follow his instincts and give him a chance.

—Well, we've seen a lot of progress. Mason is at a good time to try to start having these kinds of responsibilities again and... he seems to be perfectly capable of handling them properly.

He spoke so calmly and confidently that day that he surprised himself when the team's head coach didn't hesitate for a second to believe everything he said and even thanked him as if he had a much greater authority than what his position conferred. Now, he sighed again at the remembrance, as he hurriedly walked towards the street where the apartment buildings in which his friends lived were located. 

He wasn't really nervous about what had happened with Tuchel, because he was well aware that his mate was one of those people who would rather try harder than fail twice at something, but he was uneasy about the fact that Erin had told him on the phone that they had serious things to update him on at Mason's.  He was rather afraid that something bad had happened, something that might distract Mason and prevent him from concentrating on football alone.

And now, while returning to playing full matches as he had before his father's death (and with all the responsibilities that entailed) was definitely a bigger challenge for his best friend, he knew that if Mason had a clear mind, it was something he could handle, which was why he had spent so much time that afternoon talking to Jack about it and had researched courses to learn about pressure-management psychology, exercises he could teach Mason in extra sessions at home. 

He arrived at the gates of the Mount building trying to keep that optimism and was glad when, after several days of only greeting each other from afar on the club grounds, he got to see Erin in person again, when she came down to meet him and they went up to the flat together. 

Mason's living room, kitchen and dining room were kept as clean as they usually were, but Ben couldn't help but feel slightly odd when, as he and Erin went upstairs to Mason's room, it was in rather disarray. Mason was standing by his wardrobe doors; as soon as he saw him walk through the door he went over to bump palms and hug him.

—Oh, thank God you're here.

—Is everything all right? I'm a little nervous, actually.

—Well, it's all right, as far as it goes, I think. Erin told you what happened with my mum?

—Well, from the first floor to here she gave me a bit of context, but how are you doing about it? 

—I don't know why yesterday I thought in a day or two I could sell that beach house I bought from my parents and bring Mum to London, but it's not that simple, apparently.

—Man... You were being too optimistic —he said, unable to stop himself from laughing—. Hey, do you need the money urgently?

—What do you think?

—That maybe you might be underestimating your mother. 

—Huh?

—I mean, your mother is a person too, and maybe you shouldn't necessarily feel so burdened by bringing her here right away. I mean, I don't think they'll ever use that house again, so you should definitely sell it and use that money for this which is a family emergency, but maybe talking to your mum about that plan will be enough to give her a sense that things are starting to change.

Mason didn't look directly at him yet, kept his gaze on the ceiling, where the bright white light of his room shone brilliantly. He closed his eyes for a second, letting himself think and digest all the stress he'd been carrying around all day. He barely watched out of the corner of his eye as Erin sat down in the chair next to his desk and Ben came to sit on the edge of the bed next to him. 

—What if she gets into suicidal ideation again? —he asked suddenly. 

Mason couldn't see it, but Ben had exchanged glances with Erin at that moment. The blonde had a worried look on her face that she was trying to hide, maybe she'd been hiding it for a while now, but they both knew they couldn't let that energy get to Mason; that's why she trusted him to talk to Mount.

—Well, Mase, you know, sometimes you don't really need the change to happen, you need the certainty that it's going to happen. 

—Is that going to be enough?

—Why don't you try it? Why don't you go to Portsmouth and talk to her about an optimistic plan?

—If that doesn't cheer her up, it might at least put your sister in a better frame of mind. Don't worry, that house is going to sell, really, I can almost see it happening —Erin said, smiling. She walked over to the bed too, as Mason sat up. They both reached over to hug him, each from their side, without saying anything else. 

—Hey, Mase, —Ben called to him, his head resting lazily on his shoulder— Why don't you tell us how the hell you're going to convince your sister of this insanity?

Mason smiled. 

He stood up with a strange sense of enthusiasm, and began to speak again in front of his pair of friends, who couldn't help but smile at him, because at times like that, when he seemed so convinced of his own words, he looked so much like the person he used to be, the guy who could call for the ball at a free kick or stand in front of the most expensive players in the Premier League and play as if Frank Lampard owned his legs. 

They loved to see him like that, so they tried for the rest of that afternoon to keep the mood that way, but not before encouraging their friend to compile a real plan that would make things work, and they talked about absolutely everything that needed to be thought out: that's how they could agree that the first thing they would do would be to shorten Mason's journey to Portsmouth the next day, and for that, Ben would lend him his car and driving licence, only if he promised to use it so carefully that it would not merit at any point having to show it to an authority.

That, in his plans, would cut down on travel and give him more time to talk to his mother and sister, and for that, they planned a speech as well; Mason knew he had to convince them with the best arguments that coming to London had for both of them, even for his niece's education, and he had really good arguments, but certainly being able to see each other frequently, spend time together and gather the family around a single city would have to be the main selling points.

The three of them were a great team when it came to coming up with ideas, so they'd been able to come up with something like an itinerary for when dusk was receding behind the horizon, including the party Erin and Mason would be attending in a couple of weeks. They now had a number of possible ways to start the conversation about the house for sale, ways to talk about it that would make the property attractive, possible players who would be interested, even had an idea of those with older parents who might want a beachfront house with a cool, calm climate, perhaps even more those who might be sick of the weather back home.

Finally, on that stretch into the darkness of early evening, Erin and Ben had taken control of Mason's wardrobe to make him try on the best outfits they could put together for him at a party, for it was clear that after so long without even thinking about it, the younger man had no idea what to wear.

Truth be told, Mason had never been one of those people who had a remarkable style of dressing. As a younger man, he'd never had the confidence to dress in overly flashy ways, and although once his salary had risen as he'd moved up to the senior team he'd taken the liberty of an afternoon of shopping with some of his more expert teammates in that regard, after the events of that year his appearance had taken a back seat; for the past few months, his dress sense was never a priority, and grey, black and white hoodies had become his daily staple, along with the routine rotation of the same ten jeans every week.  

Despite this, with some music playing in the background to distract him, his pair of friends had decided to pull out from the back of his wardrobe the clothes they considered most useful for the occasion and make him try on different combinations with them, at least five of which convinced all three of them equally. After that while, it was certain that everyone's mood was much better, the smiles remained on their faces as they judged the clothes and occasionally sang together the songs played on a speaker in Mason's room, and that was the important thing at that moment. 

By the time the evening had arrived, the three of them were tired and hungry enough, so they had decided almost an hour ago to order pizza and go downstairs from Mason's room to eat while music videos were playing, like they sometimes did at Ben's house, too.

—Hey, Mase, by the way —Ben said, finishing one of his slices of pizza and setting his plate on the tea table—. Uh, do you think I could stay here later?

—Here in my flat? —he asked, looking away from the television. Ben nodded sheepishly—. Yeah, sure, you know you can. In fact, you can stay over, if you want.

—Oh, well, I was just asking because it's almost nine o'clock and I want to avoid rush hour on the bus, I didn't take the car to work today, so....

—Can you drive again now? —Erin asked, in a mocking tone— I thought you could do it again until you were no longer a threat to public safety.

—Very funny... and it was only three weeks, where I wasn't even the threat to public safety, Jack was! Hey, Mase, promise you won't do anything stupid with my license.

The younger boy, chewing a mouthful, held up his hands in innocence.

—Hey, but, since Jack got your licence revoked these past few weeks, you might as well ask him for a favour in return —she said—. Although I'd still recommend that you don't lend it to him again when he forgets his, now that you know he drives like a maniac.

—You know, you're actually right. I should ask him to do my reports next week in compensation, because I still don't understand how the hell that stupid reporting system works. I always have to save the write ups and fill in the fields loads of times and do you know how much extra time I spend in the office because of that? Well, that and... Oh, Mason!

—Huh? —Mount replied without opening his mouth.

—Shit, I forgot to tell you about that... Well, listen, I spoke to Tuchel a couple of days ago and I've got some news that I don't know if are going to sound as good as they did at the time, uh.... 

—God, please, no more trouble —he sighed. 

—No, no, I mean, it's good news, it's good news, or at least it depends on... well, but, before anything else happens, can I stay tonight? 

—Of course you can! You know you can, bro, why do you ask twice? You know I would never say no to that.

—Okay, well, I just considered that maybe your boyfriend could visit in the middle of the night...

—My b...? God, you're such a... —He didn't even finish that sentence, because his eyes first met with one of the cushions that he didn't hesitate to throw at Ben's head, as well as another one that flew in the direction of Erin, who had laughed as well.

—Hey, but your face turned all colours —Erin joked.

—Well, I only mentioned it because he seems to like to come unauthorised and with no warning here —Ben apologised.

—He just hopes he's not like that in bed too —Erin added, earning a look from Mason that was somewhere between surprised, amused, and embarrassed. His face was now undoubtedly painted bright red up to his neck.

The pedestrian traffic lights began to flash faster and faster, announcing that it would soon be time to drive on, so he lowered the volume of the music slightly; for some strange reason, Mason had the idea that he drove better with the music at a lower volume, and the last thing he wanted at that moment was to cause any infringement for which he might be stopped or Ben might be fined later.

The road had been a mess on the drive into London, despite the calmness with which he had driven on the lonely road from Portsmouth to Guildford, where he had barely passed any other cars, and had rather shared the road with HGV drivers. It had taken about half an hour longer than expected to reach the capital of England, which seemed little to him, considering that the journey he had planned to make the day before included almost three hours of travelling by train. Now, even despite the delays, he could still see an early hour on the small clock attached to the dashboard of Ben's car. Fourteen past eleven at night.

He felt reassured: in Portsmouth things had gone exactly as he wished they had. After arriving, greeting everyone and finding that at least that day his mother seemed much calmer, he also realized that she looked happy to see him: she did not hesitate to tell him directly, that lately she had been thinking of him more frequently, and thinking how much she missed him. Her mother had always been the kind of person who didn't want to cause trouble and would pretend things were fine, that was what she tried to do until she, Emma, and Mason could sit down at the table and have a serious conversation. It took him a while to get her to admit that she wasn't well yet, but, surprisingly, it didn't take him long to get her to confess how much she missed those summer days when her three children were by her side during difficult times.

So when Mason decided it was the right time to tell them about the idea of a move to London, he could only be relieved to see that the fear and reluctance to do so subsided almost immediately. He had to decide at that moment that it was not the most appropriate thing to tell them that he did not have the money to do it immediately, so he preferred to excuse himself by saying that perhaps it would be appropriate to organise the move in two or three months' time so that they could prepare for it. He was glad to see that the idea had indeed enthused them, even if their initial reaction had been to be worried about the difficulties involved and to modestly refuse to let Mason pay for the whole thing.

He was quick to say all the things he had rehearsed the day before with his best friends, all the benefits it could bring, all the solutions to the problems and things they could do once they were all in London. And it seemed to work, because by the time they had eaten dinner together, the optimism could be heard in their voices, the pleasant scenarios in their minds about the future, his niece's innocent voice talking about going up the London Eye when she lived there. Mason simply couldn't stop smiling the whole time he was saying goodbye to them, on the way out of the port town and all the way to London, with the promise in mind that they would all make it to the big city in at least two months' time.

It was still considerably early, having left his mother's house at nearly nine o'clock in the evening. Not to mention that he had been slowing down for a while as he entered the part of the city where most of the schools and condos were located, the part of the city where even he himself was against the constant flow of cars. Of course, that was also influenced by the fact that the street he lived on was very close to that area.

He didn't have to return the car to Ben until the next day, so he wasn't in a hurry, and to be honest, he did like to enjoy the calm he was feeling at the moment to drive quietly and admire the view of the city at night, so he took a diversion that led to that elevated road that he always spotted in the distance from the large window of his kitchen. He could not stop at the very top, but what he could do was to park on the side of it, just after coming down it, to get close to the little river crossing that ran exactly under the avenue. It was a place too small to be a lookout, but he always remembered how much he had wished it was one when he was dating girls a couple of years ago and had no idea of less expensive restaurants with nice views.

He stopped the car next to a gas station near the point where he would park, looking at himself in the car's mirror with an inescapable smile for a moment before proceeding. He thought about it, and it was in his own eyes that he found a strange calm he genuinely enjoyed; at times like that, he felt it was the only thing he wanted in life, that peace of mind he had so long lost. Now he knew how priceless it was, how much he missed feeling safe, and even when nothing was settled yet, something in his own eyes told him that he could breathe freely.

At the station he filled up the car's tank so that he could return it the next day in exactly the condition in which he had borrowed it. He went into the little convenience store on the site as well, not too hungry, since he had eaten a good dinner a couple of hours ago, but he thought it would be a good idea to have a doughnut and coffee to go with his evening drive. He had just crossed the exit door of the establishment, his coffee in one hand and trying to open his doughnut bag with the other when a familiar voice called out to him from nearby.

—Mason!

He looked to his side to find in the darkness and under the neon blue and red lights that familiar silhouette, tall, with slightly curly hair falling over his forehead and the most unique eyes he knew.

 —Kai —he smiled immediately— What are you doing around here?

—Do you need help with that? 

—Huh? Oh, this! —He said somewhat embarrassed at the thought of Kai probably seeing him try to open the bag in his hands since he'd stepped away from the counter— No, no, don't worry, it's fine, actually, it's just something to eat later, I don't know why I wanted to open it right now...

—Oh, are you going home already?

—No, no, I... well, I was going for a little ride, a friend of mine lent me his car so... 

Kai looked at the car in front of them. The place was empty, except for Ben's teal vehicle, which was just to the right of Kai.

—It's nice —Havertz acknowledged—. I like that colour a lot.

—Me, too. It resembles the colour of your eyes —he said without even thinking about it. Kai's immediate glance in his direction brought the smile off his face, even though it was Havertz who was smiling now—. Uh, so, uh, what are you up to around here? I guess you weren't driving.

—No... actually I was just at a nearby mall a little while ago and decided to stop by before I went home.

—Walking?! —the other man nodded— Kai, this place is pretty lonely this late at night... well, I mean, I guess it's still a safe place, but... Well, to walk here by yourself is...

—Are you here with someone?

—Well, no, I mean... yeah, okay, I came here alone too, but... 

—I don't have a car anyway, Mase —he smiled— It's just that I wanted to actually come to this place because I saw it from your flat window the other day and I thought it was really beautiful.  

—Yeah, it is... You should see the lights of the city when they reflect in the water of the crossing, it's... Oh, actually, would you like to go and see it? I'm not really in a hurry to get home and I was going to eat this whole thing right there.

—Well, if you don't have any other plans... 

—No, no, not at all! 

—Oh, well —he smiled, shrugging his shoulders— I'd love to then —he nodded. 

Mason smiled too as he walked over to the car, to set his coffee cup on top of it and open both doors. He was too uncertain about what to do next, whether he should open the other door, make Kai approach or simply invite him in, because he had never gone out with a girl without opening the door of any place for her, but now? 

Before he could decide, Havertz himself approached the opposite door of the car, so, in an impulsive and hasty move, he rushed in to reach across his seat, over the lever and unlatch the door from the inside, hitting his teammate as it opened immediately to the outside.

—Shit, sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry, Kai, I didn't know this shit opened immediately like this....

—Don't worry, Mase —he said, with a laugh— it didn't hurt, not at all.

Mason knew that Kai was probably lying about that, because the strength with which the door opened was such that hitting Kai's arm hadn't stopped it one bit, and had rather pushed Havertz back slightly.

—Still sorry about that. Seriously, I hope the view makes up for it a bit —he smiled as Kai sat in the passenger seat, before he started driving. 

He did his best not to show that he was nervous about the whole thing, from driving in front of Kai, to having him less than a metre away from him, to taking him to that place he had wanted to take the girls he dated years ago just to show them that view that made him feel in love with London at times. He couldn't look at Kai's face as he drove up that elevated stretch, because his view ahead barely gave him a chance to glance sideways at that beautiful scene of the city skyline of England's great capital, but he did move his fingers on the steering wheel to turn the music up slightly and change the song to one that could capture in its sounds the way he was feeling at that moment.

He felt as high as they literally were. Both nervous and calm at the same time, the serenity of being together with Kai and at the same time the uncontrollable excitement that filled his body. The brightness of all those buildings just a few miles away and the wind coming in at the perfect speed through the open window next to him made him feel as if he was living a glimpse of what would one day be a beautiful future, what would one day be a new point in his life like a blank sheet of paper, where the current problems would be left behind, the worries would no longer be there and there would only be new emotions, as lovely as what he felt at that moment with his teammate resting a hand on his leg to lean out even more towards that view he could find on his side. That future sounded like the most beautiful thing he could imagine. The thing he could wish for the most.

—It really is beautiful.

—It is —he smiled. And even more so if you're here. 

Once they made their way down that elevated stretch of the avenue, the water flowing across the crossing couldn't make his friend smile any wider, and the satisfaction was immense. Again, he hesitated as to whether or not to invite him to get out of the car or if they should stay inside, but before he could decide, it was Kai himself who proposed to stay inside the car, for the night was not exactly warm.

—Well, and, uh, is there anything you want to do? 

—I guess just talk —he smiled broadly. What the hell does that mean, Kai Havertz? Do I keep reading things where there aren't? — And, well, I like your music. I'd like to listen to it more.

It was one of the best things he could have said. Music was a part of Mason that he was truly proud of, even though he owed much of his taste to his father. He remembered that he still had an album to give him at home.

—Oh, really? — Kai nodded. The next day they'd have to travel across the country for the away game they'd be playing that Saturday, though the time to get back to the club would be until noon, so hurrying wasn't a worry—. That's good because...

—Why?

—Uh, no, forget it, I'll tell you later. Next time you come to my flat —he smiled, and turned up the volume of the music. 

He knew Kai was curious about it and was dying to ask, he could feel it, but regardless, the younger man decided to look straight ahead, lean back in the seat and listen to the song Mason started playing.

Chapter Text

The session with Jack had been more rushed than it should have been. The week had not turned out in the best way and everyone knew it: they had lost two games in a row in the final minutes, and that didn't augur well for their push towards the top of the table. The team was still seventh in the table, but after being in fifth place a few weeks ago, going down two places made it look worse than it really was for the fans. 

Even more so in Mason's case, who was still a hot topic of discussion among fan clubs and the sports media. He knew well that it wasn't really his fault; the goals that had resulted in them losing by the narrowest of margins in the last two weeks had both come in extra time at the end of both games, but those two games coincided exactly with the times when Thomas Tuchel had finally included him in the main line-up.

To be honest, he knew he had played no part in those goals against, and on the contrary, had contributed to the goalscoring opportunities for his team, but that didn't stop some sports programmes from questioning the new line-up used by their coach in which he was included, and that, unfortunately, still weighed on his mind.

 -Well, I mean, it's not really my area of expertise to talk about football -Jack clarified- but, well, as a fan of the club, I think if we're being honest, you had nothing to do with these... setbacks. That's true, Mason: the interesting thing is, why do you feel so worried about what people will say about you when you know it wasn't your fault?

-Oh, well, I don't know -he said reluctantly- I don't know, it's just, you know people in the media and online, they can be very harsh, and it's really frustrating when I've tried to do my best in every match, you've seen all the times I've tried! I try to give the best passes I can, and the crosses reach the box, but it's always... you know, it's always the same...

-What do you mean?

- That Kai and Timo can't score! Well, I mean, Timo does his best, he's not too tall and he usually gets everyone on his back, but, come on, Kai is almost two metres tall!

-All right, I understand your frustration very well. I think they themselves have said that they are not satisfied with their performance in these games. It might help a bit to know that we in the psychology team are creating a work plan for the situation, the talks we've had with the group are trying to lift their spirits with that and we'll have a few more this week.

Mason sighed, dropping into the armrest of the chair and resting his face in the palm of his hand.

-Yeah... I just hope they work soon...

Jack didn't spare a brief surprised gesture at the answer. He wasn't outraged, for he knew that the efforts of the psychological team couldn't have the most direct impact on the players on the field, but he had other ideas in mind.

-Well, Mason, there are things you can't control about how the team performs, and you know that what we do is not magic, but there are actually elements that you can try to improve. There are some things that are in your control, how about some ideas?

-I'd love to hear them -he nodded, and though he didn't look like he meant it, he meant it.

-Well, the first thing is the most obvious: you know you can practice more, stay and train more, try new techniques, that's for sure, but, secondly, you can talk to your teammates. If you talk to them about it, they might have some suggestions of plays for the coaches, or ask the coaches to help them rehearse specific moves. You could even have extra training sessions with your teammates, you can propose it to Timo and Kai. You get along very well with Kai, don't you?

-Uh, yes. Yes, I do... Why do you say that?

-I say that because you two have developed a friendship in the last three months where it's noticeable that you trust each other and, well, the fact that you constantly mention to me the conversations you have at your place makes me think that you get along very well.

-Well, yes, we talk every day basically.

-Well then... Actually, I'm surprised that at this point you haven't told him about this problem with finishing plays, have you?

-No, no, I haven't mentioned anything to him about that...

Jack waited for him to say more, but Mason's face was looking rather blankly somewhere down at the couch where Jack sat. The older man soon realised that he was probably trying to sort out some of his thoughts, so maybe he needed some guiding questions to help him talk about what he couldn't seem to find the words to explain.

-Well, I think it might be a good option to talk to him about it and maybe propose to practice some plays after training, of course, letting your coaches know that you'll do it. Why don't you try talking to him about it?

-Uh, well, it's... we don't usually talk about football when we're together, you know? Sometimes we mention things about the games occasionally, but when we're at my house we don't usually talk about football. 

-Oh, I see.

-Actually, it makes me a bit nervous to think about having to talk to him in training about that sort of thing, because... well, as I told you, we don't actually talk that much to each other in training, we don't really do it yet. I mean, these weeks we're together all the time, basically, but in training it's a bit awkward to talk to him.

-Well, you can mention it to him when you're at your place, because despite that, I assume you do not get on badly, right? From what you've told me, you two have a good relationship, don't you?

-Yes, completely -Mason smiled. He seemed to snap back to the present with that comment, and Jack couldn't help but notice the way his thoughts immediately brought a huge smile to his face and a sparkle to his eyes that was impossible to ignore-. These past weeks we've... we've been very close. He's been coming over to my house every day and... Remember I told you about the day my sister called me and he came over and stayed with me the whole night? Uh, well, I think that day I realized how much his presence makes me feel better. I like him being around and I like feeling safe because he's there and feeling like things are going to be okay because of that. I feel like sometimes it's like... like when he's there I can breathe fresh air, air that doesn't suffocate me. 

-I'm glad for that -he nodded, with a sincere smile-. You hadn't really talked more in depth about him, I think you'd just mentioned his conversations and what you thought of them, but I find it interesting that you actually like Kai... I understand why you might not usually talk about football in between these deeper conversations.

-Maybe you assumed we did because we're teammates. Actually, I think outside of the team we're more like...

-Mason hesitated.

-... Friends? -Jack completed, unfocused as he made some notes on his laptop.

-Yeah, well...

The silence that followed was noticed by Jack. While he didn't want to make Mason uncomfortable with it, he knew that straying from that topic wasn't the ideal choice, as it was more than obvious that Mason was hesitating about whether or not to talk about it further, and intervening in that decision was something he wanted to avoid at all costs. 

He pretended to make some notes on his computer (although what he was really doing was typing random letters and then deleting them) in order to give Mason more time to think about his words, and despite that, it was taking a little longer than expected. It was a truly unexpected moment when, suddenly, Mount shifted his position in the chair, sitting up straight to speak in a burst of adrenaline.

-You know, there's something I want to talk about -he said hurriedly, yet with great confidence in his words.

-Go ahead, Mason.

-I... I'm in love with Kai. I'm very much in love with him, and I don't just mean the way he makes me feel when I'm with him, I'm not just saying that because I like the way I feel when we're together and he makes me happy, I'm also saying that because I really like him, the person he is. Kai is a very sweet person, he's kind, he's considerate, he's never pretentious, he's a good person without looking for anything in return. Sometimes he does completely crazy things and I don't understand it, because he doesn't even care about pretending he's not weird, and... he doesn't really care what other people think about him, and I don't know if that's because he's too naive or if he's just so sure of what a beautiful person he is, but I like him a lot, and... I'm completely in love.

Jack watched him with a smile that he could only describe as proud. He still felt a little self-conscious, despite the confidence with which he had spoken, but if anything it was that feeling in his chest at having said all those words; the effervescent exhilaration of feeling that there was one less weight on his back and that it was now becoming an idea that he couldn't help but rejoice at the thought of. 

And of course Jack could see that. He could see how his eyes lit up, his hands betrayed his enthusiasm, and that assured him that what he was saying was genuine, it was what he felt and had been so reserved about saying. 

-Well, this sounds promising to me. 

-Huh? Why?

-Because the fact that you're saying it means you're not repressing it. And the way you articulate it, your language; those things tell me that you're being authentic to how you feel. Maybe you don't remember it anymore, but before all this you struggled a lot to accept that part of yourself, and now... the fact that you can tell me this is a big step, in every way.

Mason watched him thoughtfully for a few seconds. Perhaps it was his own modesty that prevented him from speaking easily, but it seemed like a good time to let it go.

-I think I kinda get it. I'd say I definitely feel at another point in my life right now, despite all the things I still need to fix.

-Don't think about that right now. It's the kind of pattern that you sometimes repeat to limit yourself, to think that you have to worry about other things in your life, but you don't have to ground yourself that way, Mason. I want you to understand that.

-I think I'm not even aware that I do that.

-You do -he said, which made his patient laugh-. But this is a step in the right direction. Part of moving forward in your process is to stop clinging to repressing those feelings that overshadow the pain you assume you owe to all your days. You don't owe your life pain, Mason, you have no reason to feel that way, and so you have no reason to believe that you should avoid feeling happy about something that makes you happy. Or someone.

-It's a recurring feeling, it's true. Even if it's not directly mourning that's on my mind, the fact that things aren't quite right makes me feel like there's nothing to smile about. 

-Why do you think you constantly feel that way? You're not to blame for anything, Mason, you've told me that before; you're doing everything in your power to make things right. What you do to help everyone around you is no small thing, you don't "deserve" not to be able to smile. You wouldn't deserve it, even if what you did was not enough.

-It's very hard to accept that idea after so many months like this... but I know it's true, even if right now it's still hard for me to believe it -he sighed, with that feeling he was sometimes so familiar with: that of embracing what didn't feel right, with the belief that later it would-. I've sometimes thought that after all, as tiring and horrible as this has been, he has been life's way of telling me that I have the right to be happy again. One nice thing is that when I'm with Kai I completely forget what I "should" feel: with him it's so easy to just let myself smile, feel happy, and not even reflect on whether I should or not.

-And do you think he feels the same way about you? -Jack asked, with a gentle smile.

-Uh, well, I... I don't know -and despite his words, Mason was smiling. Despite that statement, there didn't seem to be a hint of worry on his face, even if it was true that he really wasn't sure-. If I had to say my opinion, I think... it's likely. 

-Is there reason to think so?

-Well, I know how much he cares for me. That day, in my place, he really looked after me, he's done it every time before, but I realised that he does it because he really wants to. He's only known me for a short time, nothing forces him to be there, and yet he stays there talking to me every night, even if we're not doing anything else, and he makes sure I'm okay just because he cares about me. And it seems to me that the degree to which he cares about me goes beyond something friendly, because he's also interested in me, in what I tell him about myself, who I am, how I feel, or the things I like. He wants to listen to everything and make sure I'm okay, but... I don't know how to explain it, he doesn't behave like my other friends.

-What do you mean by that?

-He... he feels different. When we're together and close it's like keeping two magnets from coming together, it's like there's such a big force wanting us to be closer and we're just holding it back as much as we can... and yet there's still that drive there. There's still that feeling that we want to hold each other more, to touch each other's hand, and when we look into each other's eyes, we're both so nervous that it's hard to do it, it feels like holding each other's gaze is going to lead to something we can't... avoid.

-In that case, you are looking forward to the future. The question is, can it be avoided? And are you doing it, or are you just going very slowly towards it? 

-Not as easy to say as to do -he lamented, as he shifted in his chair and folded his arms with a loud sigh-. I wish the problem was deciding whether it's now or later: the problem is that I might be getting myself into trouble that I might not be able to get out of, because... You know, with Kai... What if he doesn't feel the same way and he's not even interested in men? What if it gets all awkward? And then I lose the person who's made me feel alive again.

-Well, then you'd have a problem with that relationship, Mason. Feeling alive can't depend on whether Kai is there or not. Your stability isn't both of yours, it's yours, and it has to exist in the same way it did before he came along. You just said it earlier: you don't only like Kai because he makes you feel happy, and if that's the case, then you should know that many people can make you happy too. Your friends, your siblings, your mother, your teammates. Heck, even a dog can make you happy, but you should never put your life in the hands of only one source of joy, because nothing lasts forever, you know that. 

-Yes... yes, I know that well. It's true that I had built something like a system before Kai arrived, and it was working, slowly. Maybe he's just something like the cherry on the cake, but why am I so afraid of losing him now? 

-I must bring something back to your mind, okay? Loving someone romantically shouldn't make you feel afraid: loving people shouldn't equal being chained to them in a way that everything they do makes you lose your balance. I understand that you like him, but he is also a person. Kai can make his choices, so you have to be ready to understand them, and know that people can be there for different periods of time, and that's part of life -he paused to get his attention-. Now, none of that has happened. You don't have to be discouraged by the thought of losing him in the future, because that may not even happen. You seem to have a great friendship, which seems perhaps a more complex relationship than the friendship you've known through other experiences in your life: maybe what you have is something different.

-Jack, what do you think I should do with that? I mean, what should I do, should I keep avoiding it or just dare to... be closer to him?

-I can't make that decision, Mason. I can merely suggest that you shouldn't do anything he doesn't want to do.

-That happens to be exactly my problem, what do I do if I don't know what he wants to do? -Mason asked, frowning.

-Well, I know you clearly don't want to talk to him directly about it, but I know you're going to spend a lot of time with him when you propose training together. You can get to know him even better and try to figure out how far it's right to go. 

-Are you saying I should go and try instead of stopping?

-No, Mason, I'm not giving you an indication. I'm not even giving you advice, I'm not telling you any guidelines at all as to what you should do, because all of that must follow your own decisions. I am telling you that this is one of your options. You can also simply start to retract those approaches and keep it friendly altogether, taking into account that you don't know his sexual orientation yet.

-So what I should do is find out his sexual orientation?

-That shouldn't be the best indicator, because even if he's not interested in men, if you're respectful, he should be respectful in his reaction too; it's not an offence, and we at the club would never tolerate a case of homophobia -he said firmly, which, unbeknownst to him, had given Mason a sense of protection and reassurance that was invaluable-. Now, on the other hand, of course it would be somewhat helpful, because it inevitably makes the possibility of rejection smaller, though not impossible. The decision is yours, Mason.

The younger man almost rolled his eyes. Sometimes a psychologist wasn't exactly what he wished he had, though he knew it was what he needed: sometimes he wished the person sitting in that chair was Ben, who, though he knew he might not, would at least have the capacity to give him advice as a friend, tell him what the hell to do when he was too confused about his life.

Unfortunately, Jack, like his best friend, was a very serious man about his job: he stuck to making him make the decisions himself, and that was sometimes the part that made him the most stressed out. 

In a fraction of a second, Mason ran through the scenarios that one decision or another could bring into his life. What would become of his feelings on a day-to-day basis, of coexistence, of his expectations; what would be in his head every day if he took a step forward or stayed where he was?

How boring that would be! A normal day to day life without thinking about you, without asking myself what is on your mind.

I don't trust you. Kai Havertz, you're going to drag me to that point anyway, aren't you? he thought.

I don't know if I'll want to avoid it, then. 

-I think I'm going to give it a chance.

Jack looked like he wanted to laugh at that answer, and Mason had no idea for which of all the possible whys he'd do it, but he wouldn't have blamed him either way.

If someone asked him nowadays how nervous he felt when he was near Kai, there were two possible answers: not at all or totally. It depended largely on the context: at the time, the afternoon had long since begun to hide the sun beneath the clouds near the horizon, though not quite reaching it. Earlier that day, after leaving his therapy session, Mason had decided to pluck up the courage and go directly to his teammates. He had already spoken with Timo, whom he met outside the healthcare building, but it was time to head for the football pitches where Thiago, the next patient in the therapy waiting room, had told him he had seen Kai Havertz. The sky full of intermittent clouds was painted in an orange shade and on the pitch some players were already retiring from their recovery sessions with the physical trainers. Kai Havertz was one of them: he had five games playing a full 90 minutes, almost every fourth day, without being able to score in any of them. The mental fatigue in this regard was visible on his face at the end of the games, when he walked off the pitch with a rather gloomy face and Mason occasionally approached him with the intention of offering the same comforting feeling that Kai had given him on certain situations, but it didn't seem to work out that way for the German. 

He was indifferent at times, at others he thanked him with a short hug and then continued walking to the locker room, where he lost himself for a few minutes in the showers while Mason changed clothes in the locker room. Five games without scoring was no big deal to Mason, because he knew his job was to set up play and cross, but for a striker it was a big deal, even more so when that lack of goals sometimes meant defeat for the team: at that point for the team, the pressure was definitely on Kai and Timo, the team's two men up front.

Mason approached a few meters away from where his teammate was standing, walking along the side of the pitch.

-Hey, Kai!

The younger man turned to look at him, not stopping the ball on his feet as he freestyled. With a shake of his head he answered the calling.

-Uh, are you busy?

-Oh, no, actually I was just about to get out of here -he shrugged, kicking the ball into the goal- What's up, Mason?

-Oh, well... Uh, it's nothing really, I wanted to talk to you about something, you know?

Kai gave him a slightly bemused look. He didn't know if it was a look he could read as bad or if it was just that expression that Kai permanently had on his brows. He was scared, either way.

-Sure, tell me.

He approached him with slow steps, and Mason feared he was finding that far less appropriate than he should, and while it was intimidating, at the same time it sent chills to his lower stomach.

Kai was nearly a meter away from him when he stopped, waiting for him to speak and looking into his eyes in a way Mason could barely bear. He preferred to divert his gaze to the goal in the background. 

-It's, uh... it's about... Well, listen, I'm not going to beat around the bush and I'll be honest: uh, you know we haven't done well in the last few games, okay? Uh, well, I've been thinking about it and I think, I don't know if it's a no-brainer to say it at this point, but clearly something's not working up front and... well, this isn't about you or me, it's about us and Timo too...

 -Yeah, well, I guess I'm aware of that -he warned, amidst the silence Mason left at the mention of it- but what's the point of you bringing it up? 

-Well, it's just that, uh, I thought we might need to have some extra sessions in addition to training. I've noticed that the last few days you've been staying a little longer after practice to practice your shots on goal, but I talked to Timo and I think it would be a good idea if the three of us could stay after practice for a little while to try out some plays.

He felt like a fool for being so nervous about just proposing something as simple as training together, and not even alone, but the look on the German's face couldn't make him feel any other way. Why was it so hard to stay calm with him? And more so, why did talking to Kai sometimes feel like talking to a stranger? 

At times like that, it was hard to remember that he wasn't, but it became very motivating to remember that the lad who stood a metre away from him with his arms folded across his chest and an ice cold look on his face was the same person who in recent days had sat next to him on the couch eating chocolate fingers and animal-shaped biscuits while talking to him about how much he loved puppies and the stars.

Still, he waited nervously for his response:

-Huh, well, sounds good -he replied with a shrug. 

Mason felt as if a weight had been lifted off his back and nearly sighed in front of him. Don't be so obvious, my God.

-Really?

-Yeah, sure. Anyway, I was going to stay around these days and practise a bit, and you're right, I think it would be more effective if the three of us did it.

-Yeah, yeah, exactly -he smiled-. I, I don't know why... I don't know why I thought you'd say no or something.

-No, no, it's a good idea. I'm not a slacker, Mase -he said with a smile.

-Oh, that's not what I meant! No, no, it's not that, I mean, actually, I guess I thought you'd be a bit sick of seeing me all fucking day at this point -he joked and Kai responded to it with a soft chuckle, though still with that look he couldn't quite decipher at times.

-I don't think it's that bad -he said, playing it down.

-You don't think it is? -he questioned, surprise and pleasantness settling in his chest.

-Yeah, I think so. 

He said it with a shrug as he walked past Mason, picking up a bottle of water and more comfortable shoes from the ground by the side fence. 

Mason could have let him leave, as he usually did when he noticed that Kai had zero intention of continuing a conversation, but he'd just talked to Jack about his teammate, and now he was willing to start new dynamics in their relationship if it meant starting to get some light on where the hell things were going.

So he turned around and approached him again.

-I think I feel the same way.

Kai looked at him curiously.

-That's cool -he added sympathetically.

-Yeah, uh... so is it okay if we stay for a couple of hours tomorrow?

-Sure, if it's okay with Timo -he said, starting to walk towards the locker room.

-So you're not tired of me? 

-Quite a change of subject -the younger one jokingly chuckled-. No, uh, no, no, of course not. Why would you... think that?

-Why wouldn't anyone who hangs out with you here at the club think that? 

Kai laughed at that, as he shook his head.

-Hey, I know it's not easy to believe, but I'm not as aloof as I seem to be... 

-Yeah, I think I know that.

-I like hanging out with people, it's just that I've never been the best at talking.

-That's good to know. Strangely enough, I sometimes wonder if I should approach to talk or not, although I realise afterwards that it's a bit ridiculous to wonder.

-What would you be afraid of?

-A-Actually I don't know -he shrugged- It's silly, innit?

-I just think it's weird -he laughed, joking afterwards- Don't fear me, Mason, I'm German, not a hungry wolf.

But I feel hungry like one now he thought "Don't fear me" What the hell does that mean, Kai? Did you notice? I'm trying to grow closer. Is this some kind of key to letting me do it? I'm confused by these coded messages all the time.

-If you were, what would I be in that story? -he dared to ask. If Kai wanted to speak in code, then he could do so too, even though his voice felt on the verge of cracking while he did so.

-What kind of question is that? -Kai laughed. Mason thought maybe he should cut it out there, but that was exactly what Kai was telling him not to do, wasn't it?

Fucking mixed signals.

-Well, it's just a hypothetical situation.

-Okay, I guess... -he continued to laugh about it, as they approached the building where the changing rooms were located. Kai walked inside, followed by his teammate, past the youth team lockers to the larger ones at the back, which belonged to the first team players. Next to them were still some of the young players of the under-21 category. Finally, as he got to his locker and opened it, Kai finally seemed to make up his mind to answer-I don't know, Mase. I think, in that case, you give me the impression of a mysterious owl sometimes.

Like a night owl?

 -Oh. I thought you'd be the night owl.

Kai didn't stop what he was doing; he continued to put away his sneakers and pull out a towel, though all the while looking into Mason's eyes in that strange way in which Mount felt as if Kai could see the inside of his soul through.

-Sometimes you ask very strange questions, Mason -he said finally.

-And you don't answer them -he answered immediately, not allowing himself to even hesitate.

Kai looked at him without really knowing what he was supposed to say about it, and Mason could only imagine that was the only answer the German had to his sudden boldness to continue the conversation and ask questions and make comments in the same way they both did at night. The first time he had dared to bring that little private, nocturnal game to a place where they were surrounded by people and not under cover of a dark sky.

Kai smiled suddenly, surprised by his attitude and looking at him as if he were crazy. He didn't say a word, but shook his head, holding back a smile. 

-You are saying that I should do it and then...?

-The truth is, I don't know -he interrupted. His nervousness was finally giving in. Enough boldness for one day.

-Well... same answer, Mason -he said, closing his locker door-. I don't know either.

-Yeah. You're right.

He tried to make that sigh he couldn't contain as discreet as possible when he was less than a metre away from his partner in that place, though Kai didn't seem to find that a problem, or even draw his attention. 

On the contrary, Mason felt suddenly exhausted and agitated.

-Well - called out Kai, who had already taken off his shirt and was now hanging a towel over his shoulder -Were you going to take a shower, too?

Now he really had to give in. Mason swallowed, and did his best to laugh and deny those words, as if Havertz had said something ridiculous, as if he didn't feel like he was about to die of nervousness at that moment.

-Okay, good luck, I guess. See you tomorrow then -was all he could manage to say at that moment.

-Thanks -he said jokingly-. See you tomorrow, Mase.

He could barely hear a small chuckle from Kai before he turned around and started walking out of there, his face still flushed rather unconventionally.

Fucking hell, Kai, are we really playing games now?

The days that week had slipped away like water through his fingers. Perhaps it was the fact that, for the first time in almost a month, they had had a week in which they only had to play one game, which would come on Sunday after the last defeat the previous Saturday. The time left over from not having to prepare for a match in the middle of the week was enough to allow him to think about other things, but it had also helped to make the new routine he had started by training overtime with Timo and Kai less of a burden.

It was now five days since they had started staying an extra hour and a half on the training pitch, which was a little longer than what the physical trainers had allowed them in order to prevent fatigue: they usually did light exercises and focused more on rehearsing passes, crosses and dead-ball moves, so that it wasn't too physically tiring for the three of them, but it was definitely a change in their routine that would take a bit to get used to.

Despite this, it hadn't meant a change in the things they did outside of Cobham. Contrary to what he would have thought, Kai really didn't seem to have been affected at all by being with him for, now, most of his waking time, not counting the fact that he didn't know how many times Mason thought about him before falling fast asleep at night. He still wasn't too close to him in the mornings during regular practice, but they did talk more in the extra sessions with Timo, and anyway, in the evenings, Mason would wait for him in the living room of his flat to talk for a few hours before going to sleep: he could tell that at that point in his life, sometimes even more than Erin and Ben, Kai was the person he saw the most every day, and while it didn't bother him, he couldn't say there was no problem with that either.

There was maybe one, something new.

And it was impossible to deny that becoming closer to Kai was a decision that, though mentally it had been difficult, his body hadn't hesitated for a single second, and he could even say that it had looked forward to it. Because now that he was spending a large part of the day hanging out with him, his instincts had begun to take a turn that didn't match the idea of caution and calm that Jack had told him about in the session when talking about his teammate.

He often felt like a fool, because while much of his life had been characterised by being a rather impulsive person, he had been trying to avoid it for some time. Mason had become cautious and even, in recent months, too shy to make decisions, but he couldn't have described as decisions the kinds of things that happened to him recently when he was around Havertz for so long. The feeling inside him that had grown so strong in the last few days could only be described as heat.

He didn't know if it was the nervousness of being together, if it was the blind excitement of knowing that now he really wanted to get close to him in a romantic way, if his body now had too much time in the day to think about it or if his hormones had simply overreacted to the first time he felt those sparks and tingles towards a boy, but Mason was feeling more and more out of control with this attraction to Kai Havertz.

There's got to be some hormonal shit going on here. He thought, exhaling loudly as the heat pulsed his cheeks after the fifth time they repeated a wall pass out of the midfield. That's got to be it, this shit is wild.

And it really was. It wasn't like he'd never trained alongside Kai or shared a spot next to him in the gym before, but all of a sudden, once they'd started spending even more time together, things had changed their context without him deciding to make it so. Now, almost daily, he was there in those extra practices with him, under the four o'clock sun, both of them working out in between the moves they practised over and over again, and even though Timo Werner was there too, he couldn't take his eyes off Kai.

What he feared most was that it would be as obvious to Havertz as it was to himself at times, but it didn't seem so: they connected glances from time to time, they touched arms as they ran or stood next to each other, he could feel shivers every time for one reason or another he was close enough to even feel the temperature leave Havertz's body after the exercise, but nothing else was happening, and it was making him feel all sorts of things.

He could blame it on Timo's presence or being in the middle of the team's training facility, but the truth was that neither of them would go a step forward. Kai wasn't rejecting it all, he just seemed very confused about it, and Mason couldn't get two questions out of his mind: on the one hand, he wondered if Kai felt the same way he did and chose to ignore it by averting his eyes as he sometimes did, and on the other hand, he also wondered if it was actually himself who was starting to cross a line now that his love for him seemed to be on the loose.

He could not deny that even he was surprised by his behaviour, and prayed to all the deities that it was not awkward for Timo, because regardless of being in such a public place on a tired afternoon, he constantly felt like he was under Havertz's spell, even if the German was doing nothing to provoke him.

It's ridiculous. Now I'm the hungry wolf in this?

-Uh, well, if we're done here, guys, I'm going for a shower -he announced to his teammates-. See you tomorrow.

They both waved goodbye to him with a short nod, as they concentrated their attention on untying their shoelaces and taking a drink of water to recover. The weather was particularly strange these days, though not as hot as summer, a little hotter than they were used to, so at least he had a good reason to excuse his almost immediate escape to the showers, which by that time were rather lonely.

What his companions could not have guessed was that his body badly needed a change of temperature to clear his mind, for he truly felt like an animal in heat and kept berating himself for it.

He turned the shower faucet in front of him in the showers, letting the water fall directly on his back even though it would cause him to startle. He hoped he wouldn't catch a cold from that sort of thing, because the last few days the weather had changed slightly but surprisingly, with higher temperatures than they were used to at that time of year: he felt the same way, and so he was grateful for the coolness of the water sliding down his body. 

He sighed, running his hands through his hair to tousle it under the falling water and then holding the elastic of his underwear, which he would remove to soap up a bit. In his haste he hadn't even brought any soap or shampoo for his hair; he thought about grabbing a towel and hurrying back to the locker room for it, but the moment he turned to the door he immediately found Kai Havertz walking through it.

He hoped his teammate had been sufficiently distracted by putting on his sandals that he hadn't noticed his fright at seeing him there, because as soon as he'd noticed the younger man's presence he'd turned around again to face the wall.

Mason thanked himself that he wasn't in the habit of taking off his underwear as he entered the showers, but rather as he left, but he wasn't sure if Kai had the same habit, and he didn't feel at all prepared to turn around to find out.

He didn't look at him except out of the corner of his eye, but he could see the younger man walk over to the watering can beside him, turn it on, and plunge his body into the water, which, according to the drops of water splashing lightly on Mount, was warmer than the water he was using. 

-Hey, Mase, how can you shower in such cold water? -he asked amiably.

Despite the call, Mason didn't turn to look at him. He couldn't have done it without probably shaking, but he cleared his throat and pretended to carelessly rinse his hair. Like you do. Like being here is the most insignificant thing, right?

-Oh, well, it's just to cool off after training. It's been a hot few days.

-You think so?

-Yeah, yes. Don't you?

-Not really.

He said, and placed a couple of hygiene products in one of the upper windows in front of them, opaque glass that still let enough light in to fully illuminate the place. The club's lighting system worked with sensors that turned on the lights automatically only when they detected the need for it in the spaces. At that time in the evening, the light that the showers were still lit by was from outside. It would change in a few minutes, but in the meantime, the spaces farthest from the windows were darker, and Mason didn't know if he appreciated that or not.

On the one hand, it kept him from feeling watched by his partner, given that they were the only ones in the place, but on the other hand, it made the whole environment around him feel a lot more intimate than he was comfortable with.

How on earth at home could he be lying on his carpet in almost complete darkness with him and now he felt nervous about just talking to him while they were there together? The context was somehow completely different, and he couldn't have explained why.

He was still doing nothing more than standing under the water in the shower, and he wondered if coming out of there like that, without having washed either his hair or his body, would be perceived by Kai as unhygienic, given that the German was doing it, but the truth was that he couldn't decide whether to run away from there at that moment or not.

Despite the stares, which he could sense perfectly well from his partner, Mason was still adamant about not looking him in the face unless it was completely necessary. Maybe it was time to leave, right? Maybe he should use forgetting his soap in his locker as an excuse, but in that case maybe Kai would wait to see him back after he went to get it, and then he'd be in the same situation and maybe worse. What the hell could he do? What if he just got the hell out of there? He looked ahead, at the place where he should have put his hygiene products, if he had brought them…

-Do you need soap or...? 

Kai had noticed that.

-Uh, I... I think, I think I may have forgotten it. 

-Ah, don't worry, I brought mine -he said disinterestedly- Body wash works for you?

-Yeah, sure -he replied as he took a long blue bottle from the other's hand-. Thank you.

-Is that all right?

-Yes, yes, of course... -he assured, giving way to a silence that was not at all comfortable. He wasn't going to let that happen, was he?- Uh, is this the one you use?

-Yeah! It smells good, I think.

-Yeah, yeah. Well, it smells like you.

-Oh. 

-I mean, I, I mean, you smell good, too.  Well, it's not like I can smell you often, no, I don't know exactly, it's, it's a guess.

-I see- Kai laughed- I was really hoping you wouldn't say I stink.

Was he being ironic? Because all Mason could do about it anyway was laugh. Was it fun for the younger boy to see him embarrassed when those things happened? He didn't know if that was some kind of sign, whether or not Kai was flirting, and it drove him crazy, but not like it used to.

It wasn't just nervousness he felt anymore, but also a tingling in his stomach that he couldn't ignore when they were together, let alone at that moment. Luckily for him, Kai wasn't completely naked either, and didn't seem to intend to be. He wondered if he'd be getting out of there any time soon.

-So how did you like training? -asked the taller one suddenly. Thanks for finally breaking the silence, for fuck's sake.

-Huh? Well, I'd say good. It's a bit tiring, I guess, but I think we're doing well, and it'll be worth it.

-We'll see at the weekend -Kai added, his tone sounding pessimistic- I'm nervous though, I've heard Bournemouth's defenders are bad and I know they're not doing really well in the table. 

-They are, you have nothing to worry about -he confided-. Besides, we've been training really well, you're improving your long-range shots.

-Thank you! Yeah, I think so... actually, you know, I don't think I'd be this nervous if I hadn't been off the scoresheet for so long.

-Hey, you gotta take it easy. If you play like you always do, I'm sure you or Timo will score.

-Thank you. You could do it too.

-Me? -Mason asked, an disbelieving smile on his face-. All right, it's not impossible, but I think I trust you two more. 

-If Timo or I score, it'll be a goal by all three of us. I really trust what we're doing and that it will work.

-If it doesn't, I'd probably lose my mind -he admitted with a laugh. He began rinsing the body gel Kai had lent him off his body. Actually, he was quite enjoying being able to have Havertz's usual scent on him, because of course he was lying; of course he had his teammate's scent in his memory every day, and it had become one of his favourite things. He closed the long bottle and handed it back to his teammate, trying not to hold his gaze too long-. Thank you.

-No problem. 

The distraction his thoughts had kept Mason in all this time was evident when he saw that, surprisingly for him, Kai had finished showering earlier, and as soon as he had his items back, he turned off the shower and shook out his hair one last time. 

-Well, Mase, I think that's it for me -he smiled, and then placed a hand on his shoulder.

Mount could feel the skin all over his body bristle at that touch, as if it were a real caress. Fuck, are you crazy, Mason! Do you really need human contact or what? Stop acting like a fucking lunatic!

-Oh, uh, yeah, sure -he hastened to reply-. You're very fast.

-Oh, thank you? -He replied cheerfully, squeezing the other's shoulder before starting to walk to the door- Honestly, Mase, sometimes I don't exactly know how to reply to the things you say to me -he admitted with a grin.

-Well, just don't be afraid of me -he repeated, quoting what Havertz had said to him earlier, even if on the inside he was so unsure about doing it- So, I'll see you in a bit? -he asked, before the other could cross the doorway and leave. Kai watched him as if waiting for him to say something else.

-Well, bit too soon, don't you think? -he smiled.

-Soon?

-Er, I guess I'll see you in a little while. Tomorrow -he nodded.

-Oh, so you won't...? -Havertz looked at him, expressionless, almost indifferent- I mean... no, no, don't worry, it's nothing -he clarified, a little embarrassed. He forgot for a moment that he was literally in his underwear in front of him, who was already more covered by a towel. It didn't seem to bother Kai at all-. It's nothing, forget it.

-Sure, okay -he smiled in a friendly way- See you tomorrow, Mase.

-Yeah, see you... well, hey, Kai! -he called out to him, once more, before he could disappear completely behind the door.

-Yeah?

-Well, it's just... actually I... there's something I forgot to give you.

Confusion? Surprise? Seriousness? He didn't know exactly how to read that expression on Havertz's face.

-Oh, well, is it something important? Because I could...

-No, no, don't worry... Actually, it's not something serious or anything, but...

-What is it, Mase?

-Uh, well, you'll see -he laughed, which drew the same reaction from Kai, albeit a much more clueless one. He shook his head when he saw him again, though he was still smiling.

-Good. See you later, then -he said, to resume his walk behind the wall by the door- Good luck, Mason!

-See you later -he nodded cheerfully. He had to wait until he heard his teammate's footsteps really far away to allow himself to let out a big sigh he'd been holding in, let his back against the wall and, only after a few seconds fantasising in his mind the reaction he imagined Kai would have to his gift, remember to turn off the water tap before it continued to go to waste.

This is all kind of a puzzle with you, Kai he thought to himself But if you really want to play, I want to play too.

He wasn't ready for it, that was for sure, but his body was. And it wasn't just ready, it was needy for it, it was hungry for it like those damn metaphors Kai was apparently a fan of talking in when they were in public, and it was a game that was as annoying as it was naughty, that made his body melt even after the annoying heat of training. 

Did he want to fight it? He doubted it. Even though he knew it wasn't the right thing to do, playing with him and those ridiculously weird flirtations drove him crazy inside, because it felt like misbehaving in the face of the adrenaline of not being alone. Why did it make his blood rush to parts of his lower body? 

His hand went down to his underwear and he could feel it. Damn it, Kai. He shouldn't be doing it, certainly not in that place, in the showers, but he felt more capable of being reckless with it than being reckless with Kai when facing him; he couldn't hide it, because of how soaked his underwear was, and he was holding his breath so much that, taking advantage of the darkness of the place, he surrendered to himself and to the hotness of his own skin. 

He quickly turned the faucet of the shower to increase the hot water and create a tepid mixture that caressed him like his own hand once he released his hard-on from the pressure of the cloth. He went fast and hungry as his body urged him to do, and it felt so pleasing to finally have the touch he needed, even if not the one he wanted most. 

He heard in the distance the younger boys in the locker room, chatting and joking: no one was entering the showers, though he knew they could do so at any moment, and that made him rush harder and feel that guilt of doing the wrong thing in the wrong place grow. 

But it also increased the hardness of his cock, the pleasant sensation of the warm water surrounding him and running over like hands on him, as well as the need to lean his forearm against the wall in front of him and his forehead on it, letting out low needy moans, his body spasming more and more intensely until that pleasurable release allowed him to open his eyes again and watch his own cum shot hard on the tiles in front of him.

 -Shit... -he sighed, throwing water against the wall. How long will we last before we have to do something? 

Chapter Text

After all, Kai had actually been right in the showers. Maybe it really was all about trusting each other.

Sunday's game had been the first at home after two away games in other cities, and the crowd had finally exploded with excitement when, in addition to the 2-0 win, which the team had achieved by dominating the ball for most of the game, Kai Havertz had finally managed to break that goalless streak, and like his compatriot up front, had scored under the bright lights of Stamford Bridge.

Mason could not have been prouder to have suggested to both of them those practice sessions that had kept them late all week at the training centre's facilities: though Timo's first goal had come from a corner kick, Kai's second goal was entirely to the credit of the three of them. 

A perfectly planned wall pass, which they had rehearsed up to eight times a training session during the week, had been the same one they had repeated in Sunday's match, and it was the young German who had scored with ease in the eightieth minute, assisted by Mount.

The bus ride to Cobham had been full of compliments back home. All his teammates were aware of how much the press had praised Mason's ability to assist goals for his team-mates last season, a skill that had even put him fifth in the Premier League's top assist charts, yet such fine performances from the young Englishman had been impossible to see again since the end of last season. 

Game after game since returning to playing Mason had tried to contribute to the team, but while he did so on the pitch, it didn't reflect in the stats until now, and everyone knew how much it had cost him.

So, on the drive home from the stadium, Mason, Reece and Trevoh had spent the time discussing the game and what the win meant for the team, as the closest rivals in the table had either lost or drawn their games, moving them back up to a formidable sixth place in the standings. Timo and Kai, as usual, were chatting with Antonio in another part of the bus, and although Mason was tempted at times to approach him to try and strike up a conversation, he knew that the return to Cobham was no more than thirty minutes away, and the younger man seemed to enjoy the German conversation so much that he didn't feel it necessary to go over and interrupt them.

Perhaps a message?

He thought about it, and a flash of enthusiasm ran down his spine at the idea, which was always there as a new goal, but never managed to come to fruition. He really wanted to do it, because he wanted to ask him if he was going to show up at his flat that night too and talk, or if he'd had enough of seeing his face those days, because that wasn't a problem for Mason. 

Besides, even though he wasn't going to tell him, he really wanted Kai to say yes, because despite those couple of days of talking for a while before bed, he still hadn't worked up the courage to give him the album he'd bought for him, which was still sitting on his shelf being cleaned off every day so it wouldn't collect dust.

And he was anxious to be able to finally give it to him, he wanted to know if he would have something to do in the evening, or even after he got off the team bus, because he really wished it was in his plans to spend the middle of the night at his place and maybe then stay the whole night, and maybe then go up to the rooftop together, which he wasn't allowed to enter, and lie on the floor and look at the stars. And maybe maybe take his hand and tell him how much some songs reminded him of him.

He had to force himself to look away from his teammate, sitting on the opposite side of the bus a few rows ahead, and then go back to talking to his teammates as if his mind wasn't full of fantasies that sometimes seemed more like a plausible reality.

A reality that was now more of a goal, if things went well and if he wasn't completely crazy about Kai. But, hell, at that point, what else could really give him certainty about what he believed? That should make him feel brave enough to approach him, but he was also aware of the patience and caution he had to maintain, and that was even more important than those unique eyes that attracted him so much.

And yet, when all was said and done, it was not necessary to make any extraordinary effort, such as messaging him, looking for him at his place when he arrived at the training centre, or attempting any kind of clearly awkward conversation, because after all, once he left for home later in the evening, there were only a few hours that he could spend in his flat alone.

Luckily, the place was ready: a week ago, he'd finally been able to do a few things that needed to be done, like taking his sheets, pillows, and curtains to the laundry, ordering at least a month's worth of groceries, and even following the Instagram accounts of some animal shelters that were constantly posting dogs for adoption. With everything in order, Mason had had enough time to get to his flat that night, concentrate entirely on taking a bath and his facial care routine for a couple of hours and, without being conscious of it, stand in front of the bathroom mirror with a face mask on his face and pray that Kai would text or decide to surprise him at his appartment that night.

He must have really wished for it, because almost an hour before the clock struck midnight, Kai had finally appeared knocking on his door.

He wondered how he could miss a person he saw on a daily basis like that, and maybe it was simply the fact that he didn't always spend as much time alone with him as he did in the evenings, but that didn't stop his heart from racing every time he heard the knock on his door after ten at night, when it couldn't be anyone else but him, coming inside and always joining him first in the kitchen, preparing whatever it was they were going to eat and then in the living room or the dining table by the balcony, where they would spend hours talking. 

Their relationship might still be strange, but Mason was sure he wouldn't have decided to change it for anything.

For there had been wonderful nights, where conversation seemed to never end and stories were shared endlessly, without pressure, without fear and without expectation of anything in return, but what came in return always ended up being better than they expected. There were the nights of tea and movies on the screen, like that night two days ago when they had made an impromptu supermarket cheese board, drank wine and sat in the living room, shoeless, with the cool wind blowing in through the open window and the warmth of their plus-size sweatshirts covering them, watching late-night game shows and infomercials. And they had laughed at the contestants till late at night, they had smiled so much that their cheeks hurt after a while, and thinking about the reason for it only filled their hearts with even more joy.

But he knew that Kai also experienced the opposite days with him. Days when things didn't go so well, and then, when night came, Mason hardly felt like eating dinner, even though Kai insisted that he do. Nights like that were less frequent, much less frequent than they used to be, but still existed, because there were things he simply couldn't avoid, like people asking about the house, but none of them continuing the conversation, and there were real estate agents offering incredibly offensive prices trying to take advantage of him, and there were so many things his mother and sister had to go through that he needed him for. And sometimes that, improving results in a league as competitive as the Premier League, sending money home to his family, staying as high up the table as possible, getting back into the starting line-up, coming back on the bus for almost an hour... all of those things seemed like too much to keep afloat.

And on days like that, Mason didn't feel like talking, but he didn't feel like being alone either. He wanted company, he wanted a voice talking to him about harmless things he hadn't asked about, he wanted someone sitting next to him by the window for just a few minutes. 

And he'd never asked for it, never even mentioned it in late-night conversations with his teammate, but Kai must be his soulmate, because he always knew exactly what he needed: on bad days, they'd talk for just a couple of minutes, Kai would repeat those things he'd already told him about taking care of himself and remind him that nothing would be ruined if he failed to stick to his agenda, that he wouldn't cause a disaster even if the anxiety in his mind told him over and over again that he would. And even if he didn't ask for it, the youngest would propose to put as quietly as they could, the largest armchairs in their living room together so that they could lie on them closer to each other. And they would lie together, Mason on his side and Kai staring at the ceiling, and in hushed voices they would talk about their dreams until Mason fell asleep.

He couldn't tell with all his senses, but he was pretty sure of what happened when he slept.

Even if he didn't know it, he was right: Kai did start to lower his voice when he noticed he was sleeping. Kai would wait to hear him breathe the way he breathed in his sleep, and he would lie next to him for a while, making sure his blanket covered his body well, until he was sure he wasn't going to wake up in the middle of the night. Then he would take off the blanket that Mason always lent him and put it over his teammate's body, to take a last look at him before he went out the door at nearly two o'clock in the morning. 

He would close the night that way, and though Mason slept alone on his couch, he could feel Kai's presence all night long, watching over his sleep with that compassionate gaze that gave him so much peace. 

And on good days, things happened like that night. They'd make coffee and tea, sometimes even treat themselves the luxury of Coke, prepare whatever Mason had in the fridge or fetch biscuits from his cupboard, and walk to the dining table or the living room to turn on the television and idly comment on the boring shows on cable. Often, those comments turned into more of a conversation between the two of them, where they would eventually tune out the screen and prefer to sit across from each other on the three-seater, their legs together in the middle, talking as if in their own universe while in the background noise someone wouldn't win five thousand euros in a quiz show that night.

That night, Mason had decided to change the routine, but the smiles on their faces were the same, after all. It had taken a lot of persuading, more than he'd expected, but Kai had agreed to take the risk with him and take one of Mason's backpacks full of junk food and iced tea up to the roof of the building where Mount lived. It was forbidden, actually, although Mount had done it a couple of times already; the roof of his building was clearly not a place for tenants to spend time up there, although it was clear that it had once been in plans to make it into a fancy roof garden that would increase the value of the property, but the project never came to fruition.

No luxurious roof or jacuzzi was ever built, but the floor had been covered with beautiful patterned tiles, though now not as polished as they had once been. Around the grounds were also the large spaces where planters full of large-leaved greenery would have been, though now only a few had survived. The only bright green on the ground was that space Mason sometimes used to sneak up to, a raised platform at the back covered with synthetic grass, beside which stood what would have been a grill and a glass table, now used by the two of them to put the snacks they had brought and the bag, in which they also brought something to drink. 

It had taken them only a few minutes to lie down together on the floor, on that artificial ground: after a short tour of the place, after showing him the wonderful view of central London at night and listening together in silence by the edge of the rooftop to the sounds of the city as their nervous hearts beat fast and their hands tingled to get closer.

—You were right —said Kai, as he looked up at the sky intently once they had both finally decided to lie on their backs—. I can't see shit.

Mason couldn't help but laugh at that, though he was relieved by the tone in which his teammate had said it, rather comically. 

—I told you. It's not a bad view, the sky's always nice, but you can't see a goddamn star in this town.

—I see a couple... And that's it —he admitted with a smile.

—I bet it was different back home, wasn't it? 

—In Germany?

—Yes. Well, I suppose where you lived the sky looked pretty good, and there weren't as many lights as here.

—Yes, that's true... it's true.

—You haven't told me much about what your life was like there, you know? I haven't asked about it because I don't know how correct that is.

—Why do you say that?

—I know it was a bit of a private matter for you to talk to people about when you lived in, you know, in the....

—In the middle of nowhere in the forest?

—Well, you didn't literally live in the forest, did you?

—No, no —he smiled brightly. He took the time to put his arms behind his head in a new position, still looking up, as did Mason. Mason kept taking advantage of his distracted moments to watch him from the side of his eyes, trying to burn that image into his mind—. I lived very close, kind of in the middle of nowhere. My parents' farm was away from the road, it was close to the protected area, so we only had people around from time to time. I remember my mother scaring the kids who tried to sneak in or went to be alone there —he said with a laugh.

—So your family... you were usually alone there.

—Yes, we were. We lived pretty much alone at home, although my brothers and I always hung out with other kids at school. Just the rest of the day it was just us.

—It sounds quiet, doesn't it? I think it would have been nice to spend even more time with my brothers when we lived in Portsmouth, but all my free time was football in my head —he admitted nostalgically. 

—It's funny, because in my case it was the opposite. I only played at school, so sometimes I stayed there a lot more than I should have. It was only until I moved to play in Leverkusen that I started playing football more often.

—And you got homesick too?

—Uh... yes. Kind of, actually... I missed my family, but I never felt so comfortable at home.

—Oh. Wow, I didn't... I didn't imagine that.

—Well I mean actually, don't get me wrong, I don't mean that my family situation or my family was bad, or that I didn't like living on the farm, no. I liked living there, and I love my family. I was referring more to the house. The house literally, it wasn't very nice. I mean, it was nothing like a nice flat like yours, or a building like this...

—You really find it very nice, don't you? —He joked, making him squirm— I know, I get it, I think I see what you mean. It wasn't a comfortable place, literally.

—Yes, exactly. It was a bit of a big house, that's true, but the electricity was very bad and there were power outages all the time. Also, when it rained there were leaks and in winter the cold was extremely harsh. Obviously, the decor was quite difficult to afford, so my parents tried to make it look a bit more luxurious by putting glass partitions and mirrors everywhere.

—God, that sounds crazy. I don't know what I'd do if I had to look at my reflection all day.

—Well, your flat has lots of windows and glass walls too —he said teasingly—. I think you're not that tired of yourself.

—No, no —he laughed— that wasn't intentional. I've never had bad self esteem, but in the last few months my appearance was the last thing that mattered to me, I promise you. Actually, I think I've told you before, but I didn't choose the flat because of, well, the inside of it. I had the money at the time, so it just seemed like a nice view and that I could be as close to my best friend as possible.

—But you said you liked to do your hair.

—That was before the depression — he smiled — I still try to do it now, I've tried to make my hair look better or take care of it like I used to, but I couldn't say for sure that I'm still good at it.

—You are, trust me. You... you look great. Always.

He couldn't help but feel excited by the way Kai looked at him when he said it. Deluded because something inside him told him that he probably meant it, that Kai really thought he looked good and wasn't just saying it out of politeness, but the opposite. It would have seemed too self-centred of him to claim that he did, even to think so might have been a little ridiculous, but he couldn't fully explain the strong feeling that Havertz really wanted to have said something more about it, and didn't. Maybe it was just the look on his face. 

Maybe it was just the look he was keeping on him.

—Oh, gee, thanks. I think you... do it better than I do —he finally replied, trying not to make his smile more obvious than he wanted it to be. He had to clear his throat to lighten the tone of the conversation, in a moment of panic at the silence between the two of them—. Well, as I was saying, I didn't really think much about interior design.

—That's a pity, because your flat is very nice. And it's right here in this neighbourhood. I think it's a really nice place in this part of town.

—Hey, your salary's better than mine, so maybe you should think next season about... Oh, hey! Kai, maybe...

—Uh, what? 

—Ah, well, I was going to tell you that... I mean, now that I think about it, it sounds sort of weird. 

—What? What's it?

—Eh... I mean, I... well, it's just that now that you mention it, considering that you think the place is nice and that the cost isn't a big deal... —Well, I guess I was thinking that it might be a good idea for you to think about renting a flat in these buildings. A lot of the flats on the back street are empty.

—Oh, —he smiled kindly— well, that sounds like a good idea.

—Yeah, and... I mean, well, I don't know if you've thought about maybe having a flatmate next season or if you'd prefer to maybe live on your own, but... well, in case you're interested, this flat is too big for me, you know?

 He was so nervous having spoken that he hadn't been able to look his teammate in the eye during it, but as he asked that question, a glimmer of courage allowed him to look him in the face.

Only then could he notice the way Kai's face had changed to a more cheerful one immediately upon hearing it.

—I have to ask, but do you mean you want to move to another flat or...?

He couldn't help but laugh at that question.

—Kai, actually... I mean I think there could be two of us... in this place. 

He felt his heart pounding as if instead of talking to him about sharing a flat he had just proposed marriage, but Kai wasn't making him feel any more nervous. It's always like that with him, isn't it? His expression could only make him feel calm, because it always made him feel that way: like he didn't have to fear anything, like he could create a safe space by his side.

And that's why it sounded like a good idea.

—Well, it's just an idea, anyway, —Mount hastened to clarify— I mean, I also understand that most people want personal space, I mean, that's kind of what I was looking for in this place, it's just that I thought that.... 

—No, no, I actually meant it's a good idea —Havertz nodded— It's a good idea, and I like it.

—Really?

—Yeah! Yeah, I mean, it's, well, anything can happen until next season and I hope they don't send me out on loan to some Belgian team, I'd hate to let you down on that —he joked— but, if they don't... I'd really love it. I really like spending time with you and I think it would be nice to be... more together.

Was he imagining it? At this point, was he really imagining it all? What were the chances that it was all in his mind? All that connection he felt between the two of them, the meaning of those looks and Kai's words, which he sometimes swore he couldn't interpret as friendly anymore.

—I'd like that. It's, it's a big place and, well, you see, I use only one of the rooms there. The room that's always locked upstairs is actually for someone else, so... Well, if it's a bit convenient for you, maybe we could share it... the rent would be quite affordable then. 

—Yes, yes, all right! —he nodded cheerfully—. I mean, it sounds really nice, it's a place I like a lot... and it's got an absolutely beautiful view.

—You'd love it. That room has a window that has the same view as the kitchen window, but from a higher point. 

—Really?

—Yes, it does! It's quite a nice view. I can show you the room one of these days, or if you prefer today too.

—I'd like to see it, though, well, not today. Despite not seeing the stars, I think I'm quite comfortable being up here at the moment, and I don't want to rush down.

—You're right. It's a nice night... —he said, as he rearranged his body so that he could lean back on one of the cushions he had brought from his living room to look up at the sky, his hands now at his sides—. Hey, though, I should tell you that one of the only drawbacks of this place is that sometimes the bus to Cobham takes a while, but you can always take the underground and walk a couple of streets, though, well, considering that you might want to get a car in London soon, then it wouldn't be a problem for you.

—Nor for you, Mason —he laughed— Clearly, if I had a car, you'd be the daily co driver. After all, you're great at taking care of the music, aren't you?

—Yeah, yeah, I guess that's true —Mason couldn't help but feel flattered about it when he heard him talk like that. He wished he could tell him how excited he was about spending time together, about waking up and seeing him there in his kitchen every morning, and spending the nights without having to say goodbye at bedtime; he wanted to tell him that he could play the music on every single drive he made with him, and maybe sometimes they could go out at night and drive around the city without a destination, just talking until holding his hand wasn't weird—. Although, well, I actually like riding the bus because then I can go with Erin. She doesn't drive yet, so she has no plans to have a car until I or one of her teammates in the flat has one. 

—Hey, but she and her girlfriend could come... Oh, well, maybe I'm getting a little too far ahead of myself, and maybe that's not right —he said suddenly, stopping his words slightly embarrassed. 

Mason could only imagine that Kai was actually in the same situation as he was: that maybe at that moment he was practically fantasizing about a whole future life with him, at least in a domestic routine that saw the two of them as part of a day to day life side by side, and even though he knew it could all be too much of an adventure that maybe neither of them were sizing up, he couldn't help but think of living with Kai as something so exciting that it just made him feel hopelessly in love with him. Kai, are you feeling what I'm feeling, are you holding back because you know you should be a little scared, are you scared of what you're feeling too and you can't stop it even then? 

—I think I know what you're thinking.

—I kind of doubt you do —he smiled apologetically.

—No, I think so —he affirmed. This time it was completely impossible to stop the smile that formed on his face as he uttered those words, though he couldn't hold Kai's gaze for long once his blue eyes met his— .... And, well, thank you for that, I'm sure she'd agree. Alsu's not his girlfriend yet, though.

—Really, isn't she? Why?

—Oh, well, because... it's a bit strange, but she's not sure if she'll reciprocate, so she's not sure what step she should take.

—I've seen them together, I'm sure she's into her —he said immediately and without a doubt in his countenance. Mason found it nice to note the cheerful way he said it. It was clear that he was supportive of their relationship, and that was a good sign in many ways.

—Why do you say that? I mean, I feel the same way, but why?

—I think... it's clear, the way she looks at her —he said, searching Mason's eyes—. I think you can tell that way, because she doesn't look at her the way she looks at her other teammates. It's different, when they talk together she looks at her like she wants to be able to keep her face in her mind all day, and I think sometimes she even wants to hold her hand.

—Well, girls do that all the time with their friends, how do you know?

—Well, if she wanted to be his friend, she would have done it without hesitation, but they don't hold hands, do they? Maybe because they know that if they did, it would feel different. I think that's the way you know a person has feelings for you —he said, his last words almost in an inaudible voice. He had no idea what he could answer to that, he was mesmerised by the situation, by those eyes on him, by his closeness, by the way the tone of his voice sounded like something so clear that it seemed too good to be true. Mason couldn't work up the courage to speak. It's been so long since I've felt like this... Or did I ever? He repeated himself in his thoughts. Kai cleared his throat—. And, I mean, she, the Russian girl, she seems like a serious person, and when she's with Erin she can't stop smiling. That's got to mean something.

—Yeah... yeah, you're right, it has to mean something —he said, with a small laugh, which he didn't know if it came from nervousness or from confirming what he thought about it too. He had no idea how he should pick up the conversation, so the impulse to speak was quicker—. They went out today, actually. They were going to a bookstore across town and I thought it would be a good idea to ask Erin if they could go together to a dog shelter to look around, so she could spend more time with Alsu, too.... Hey, by the way, you know, I've been thinking about adopting a dog.

—A dog? —he asked, laughing.

—Yeah. Yeah, I'm serious... I mean, I know it sounds sudden, but I talked about it in therapy and... I've discovered that I don't like being alone. I think at this point I feel like I'm ready to form that kind of bond again. I actually like company, and I think a dog without a family could have a good home here.

—Sounds like a good idea. Dogs are wonderful company, they're like little rays of sunshine —he smiled—. And what could be better than giving a home to a little one who doesn't have one. You're a very good person, Mase: I'm sure you'll take good care of them.

—Hey, thanks... though, come on, that's what anyone should do. I guess I just feel ready now —he laughed lightly, picking up his phone to look at the time: it was barely approaching one a.m., but time didn't seem to pass when he was with him. It was as if they were eternally in an oasis of calm in the middle of the night, in a perfect dream from which he never wanted to wake up. The only difference was that it wasn't a dream; that hand that touched his on the tile floor, lying on the carpet they were lying on, that presence whose warmth overcame the autumn chill, that figure that his hoodie covered, all of it was real. It was his reality, and he was completely in love with it...—. Oh, hey, you know? You should help me choose a dog when I do it, there are a lot of dogs in that shelter and I don't think I could do it alone. 

—You're talking about going there together?

—No, no —he smiled, easing Havertz's mind—. I'm talking about looking at their Instagram posts, and then I'll fill out the requirements to bring them home as soon as I can. You must come and meet them as soon as I get home.

—I'll be here, that's for sure. I just hope he or she loves me like I'm going to love them.

—They'll have to. You're going to be his family.

—We'll see if you stick to that plan —he laughed.— We're planning so much, and... I don't know, anything can happen. Maybe later you'll want to get me out of here.

—What? Oh, come on, Kai, don't talk rubbish! —He said with a soft pat on his chest, next to him.

—I don't know, I don't know, I'm just afraid of it.

—Well, don't be, it's ridiculous —he smiled— Who do you think I'll get in here? My mother and sister will have their flat, my brother lives across town... Believe me, even if I wanted to, everyone on the team has their flat, and academy kids aren't an option —he shrugged.

Kai could only laugh at his comment, though he didn't answer the question.

—Huh... that's not what I meant, exactly.

Mason understood almost immediately, and not really because ruling out had led him to that conclusion, but because Kai's tone of voice made him turn to look at him, and thus notice a gesture he couldn't describe in any other way but 'jealous'.

 Then he understood what Kai was referring to.

—Oh... —he uttered, and now Kai wasn't looking at him, but at the sky; he seemed to have been overcome with some embarrassment at his own insinuation— Come on, Kai... You think I'm going to bring...?

—That sounds crazy to me —said Kai. He seemed to say it without even thinking, but Mason didn't miss the opportunity.

—What, seeing me with someone?! —he mocked indignation.

—Seeing you with someone... else.

—Huh?

He felt his heart racing like a speeding car. 

—I mean...well, it's weird. You know, I guess we spend so much time together that it's weird to think that someone else could be here with you every night and listen to your music instead of me or go with you when you see the city at night... I don't know, I don't like it —he admitted, shrugging. He avoided looking Mason in the face, so he ignored the smile that inevitably formed every few seconds on Mount's face, even though he tried to remain serious and not show too much of what those words had done to him. 

—What does that mean? —he couldn't help a small chuckle at the end of that question.

—I don't know —Kai answered, with seriousness. Then he did face him again, catching Mason's gaze as well. They were standing so close to each other that it was hard for the older man to pretend it didn't make him nervous, that he wasn't gulping as his heart pounded in his chest with such excitement, and the fact that Kai could tell only made it all feel more intense.

—My other friends don't feel that way about you —was all that could come out of his lips, despite his nervousness.

—Do you want me to be like your other friends?

He felt himself freeze in that moment, because he wasn't sure he was the only one who knew everything that answering that question implied.

—No.

—Neither do I.

They stood in silence, a silence as fragile as ice on a lake, and somehow no one had the determination to step forward. He knew what he felt, he knew perfectly well what all that probably made Kai feel too, and he just kept repeating to himself over and over again how much he wished he could know what was going on inside Havertz's mind. To know if his heart was beating as fast as his own.

Mason wished so much that he could say something more, and dare to throw those words that were dying to come out of his lips into the air. He wanted to ask him what that meant, what he wanted to say, to ask more questions and get to the bottom of it until he heard the words he longed for, but he knew that maybe doing so meant being the one to make the decisions, decisions he wasn't ready to make at all, right?

—We do make a really good team, don't we? —he asked without really thinking about the answer he expected, or would be happy to hear.

—Yeah.... Right —Kai admitted, with smiles that revealed absolutely nothing but hopefulness in his eyes— I think so.

—Everyone saw it this week. That we work well.

—I wouldn't doubt it for a second.

The tone was cheerful, but it was also a little nostalgic. He could hear a kind of worry in his voice that resonated with what was also worrying in his mind, all the doubts that kept Mount from talking more, from asking more questions, from saying so many things. Any misstep could be fatal. Would Kai feel the same way? Would Kai also be so afraid of making a mistake that the worst possible outcome he could imagine made him sad even before he spoke? Would he too be tortured by the uncertainty that made every moment like that a reminder that it could all go to hell? 

That was Mason's guess, hearing him say something that brought him so much joy in such a guarded way.

Don't be afraid, Kai. Why do we fear so much? Is it possible that this suffering in paradise will end for us if we walk forward at the same moment?

Just take a step forward. I just want you to do it.

Because he wanted to do everything to him, and when he remembered what he felt that day in the showers thinking of just the touch of his hand on his skin, he couldn't even begin to imagine what would be of him if he ever got to have Kai's lips on his. 

What if I do it? What if I do it right now? Kai, do you want me for you only as a friend or as a lover? Would you reject me? 

He was sure of what he wanted to do, but what about Kai? Kai didn't take his eyes off his, and in that moment, he sort of wished they could be stargazing so they didn't feel the need to get closer, to...

My god, I wish I could fucking kiss you right now.

That was the thought that came to his mind suddenly, and he truly felt like it wasn't his own.

But he wouldn't be the one to do it himself. Mason was sure he wouldn't be the one to step forward at that moment, because if he was going to do it, then he had to feel ready for it, and at that very moment he didn't want to make decisions. He didn't want to risk it, even though his body was begging him to: his mind, his reason, he had to control it, for both their sakes and for being able to be there, in that moment together, their hands almost on top of each other, for his company that made him feel like everything was okay. He had to be cautious like Kai was in order to keep things okay, right?

—Mase, I...

—I... —he interrupted— I think... I'm kind of hungry. Maybe we should take the food out of the backpack —Mason said, after the long silence on his lips, but never breaking the connection of their eyes and souls.

Chapter Text

Erin glanced sideways at her teammate from the shop counter, with a smile that she could barely hide. And a smile that the person in charge of the shop had noticed, perhaps even as soon as they'd walked in.

—You two look very cute together.

—Huh? —the blonde expressed, her cheeks flushing red in a second.

—You and her.

—Oh. Oh, my... uh, thank you.

The employee's joy contrasted with Erin's chagrined expression, though their politeness was enough for them to quickly wrap up the toy and not make Erin uncomfortable with their stare, as the blonde nervously tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. She had decided to try a different hairstyle that day, knowing she would be spending the entire afternoon with Alsu, so now a messy bun held most of her hair in place while two strands framed her face.

—That'll be three euros fifty-nine. It's on discount.

—Oh, I had no idea —she smiled.

—You can also donate the rest of the original price. All donations are used to feed the puppies at the shelter.

—Sounds good. Four euros then. 

—Thank you for your donation —congratulated the employee, then handed her a small paper bag with the pair of toys inside—. Have a nice day!

—I think I will —she nodded cheerfully—. And to you too.

At one side of the shop, after a long hall, Alsu was leaning in front of the large fish tanks filled with different colourful species. Crabs, shrimps and fish of different sizes, shapes, and shades swam among ultraviolet lights and warm coloured lights in some others, on a whole wall full of aquatic animals. Alsu's dark hair shone, thus reflecting the colours, while her bright eyes kept watching the swimming of those Koi she was in front of, which moved up and down in the tank. 

—Hey —said Erin, with a hand on his shoulder.

—Hey —she replied, barely looking away from the tank, as she placed her own hand on top of her partner's. Erin could immediately feel a jolt at the sight of his soft hand resting on hers. That day, Alsu was wearing one of the rings they had bought at a small craft fair in central London a few weeks ago, along with the other girls in the team. This time they were out on their own, for the first time in a couple of weeks 

— Are they not amazing?

—The kois?

—Yeah. I've never seen real ones before.

—Oh, you should see the ones at that Japanese restaurant near Snaresbrook station. They have a pond full of huge fish —she smiled.

—Can we go?

—Huh? Oh, well, I wasn't expecting... but, sure! Do you want to go?

—Well, I mean, it sounds nice, although I don't know if there are still any things to do.

—Actually, I think we're free for the rest of the afternoon. And I could do with a bit of a walk in this weather, it's not always sunny in the afternoon at this time of the year.

—So we can walk there.

—Alsu, I don't know how well you're measuring the distance, you know?

—Well, but we've got the afternoon free for it, right? 

—I mean, I just promised Lauren and Ani that we'd bring them some dinners...

—I hope they are OK with Chinese food —Alsu joked, as she stood up. Their hands slipped from the Russian girl's shoulder once she was fully upright: though it had seemed like the perfect opportunity for Erin to let her hand linger on her partner's waist for a moment, she didn't feel confident enough to do so, so she pulled her arms back behind her—. I know you like it 

She remembered with some feeling of embarrassment the last time she had gone out to a club with Ben, Sam and her girlfriend. They'd spent a long night out with drinks she hadn't measured properly. That day, Ben ended up taking her home and helping her up to his flat, where, at Alsu's insistence, he left her in the care of the only one of her flatmates who was still awake at that hour. The blonde had no appetite for a while, but after sitting at the table sometime, Alsu managed to get her to eat the plate of Chinese food Ben had bought her on the way home. That night they had both celebrated when she managed to finish her spring rolls without nausea, and amid what little awareness she retained of the moment, Erin remembered with a smile the high—five she had with her teammate before interlocking their fingers on the table until he had put her to sleep. Suddenly, she regretted not keeping her hands together now that she was facing her. 

—Hey, let's not remember that, pleases—he said apologetically. 

Alsu kept her arms folded across her chest despite the smile on her face, as they walked together towards the exit down the marine pet supply aisle of the pet shop, next to the dog shelter they had visited for a couple of hours that afternoon.

—Why? You're so funny when you're drunk.

—I don't remember half the things I did that day, OK? —She smiled— I barely remember coming home with Ben holding me on one side and you guys chatting at the table. 

—No, no. We were playing Uno. I beat him five times that day.

—God, you're good. He ever beat you? 

—One time, before he left... He really wanted to make sure you were okay, because I think you looked too drunk.

—Did I do something embarrassing? 

—No, not really. At least you didn't vomit anywhere in the house —she laughed—. I helped you clean up a bit, because you were full of sweet and sour chicken by the end, but it was kind of cute.

It was true that Erin didn't remember much of that night, but she did remember something of that moment. She remembered Alsu taking her chin with one of her hands and wiping her face with a napkin. She couldn't be sure that at that moment her expression could have hidden how smitten she was, how much she loved her rosy cheeks or how much she had felt in heaven to have her face so close and her hands on her face, but at least she hoped it wouldn't have been so obvious to her teammate.

She knew she remembered it in a particular way too, she knew it by the way she had looked down at the ground with a smile at the mention of it. 

—Thank you for looking after me, really.

She shrugged. Then she looked up at her with a smile and that natural blush on her face.

—No problem. You're... it was cute to be with you at the time.

—Cute?

—Yes. Yes, I mean... nice... uh, well, I... I wish I knew the words to explain what I mean —she said, shyness in her voice and shrugging with her hands in her pockets once the wind stirred her hair on the street they began to walk down. The distance between them wasn't much, but they could feel that tension in the hesitation to bring their hands close enough to touch or not to touch, and that situation wasn't actually a bad thing. It was certainly nice not knowing what the other would do, the expectation that neither was filling—. I don't know why I say things I can't explain sometimes, but... trust that it's a good thing. And, don't worry, I liked taking care of you.

—Although I don't think you'd want to do it again, would you?

—Actually... only if you want me to.

—No, absolutely not —she said, smiling, which made her mate laugh—. Next time you'll be in the same condition too.

—No, no.

—Come on, Alsu, it's something you have to do in London. It's part of the experience.

—No, no, I think I'll skip that part of the experience —she smiled.

—Why do you say that? It'll be fun, I promise I won't be in as bad a condition as last time, really.

—No, no, no, actually it's more like I've never... Well, I've never, you know, gone out drinking and stuff.

—Oh —she said with surprise. Alsu was not looking at her now, but at the road ahead. At times it seemed as if she was leading the way, even if in reality it was the opposite. They were still a couple of kilometres from Snaresbrook station, but there was no hurry; they had plenty of things to see before they got there— I see. And, is that something you'd like to do someday?

—Well... I don't know. I think only if I was in a place where I felt safe to do it.

—A place like... like being at home?

—No, not necessarily. Maybe that would be a little boring —she admitted with a laugh—. I'd like to... go out, you know? Like when you and Sam and her girlfriend go out together to places and... things like that. I like that, that looks fun.

—You've never hung out with us —she mused. She hadn't really planned for those words to come out of her mouth out loud.

—No... maybe you'll think it's silly, but I've never done that kind of thing and I don't even know if I should.

—Are you curious? 

—Yes, yes, a little.

—Then you should try it —she smiled—. Sure, at the right time and probably with one person keeping an eye on you all the time, but you should give it a try. That is, if you want to.

Alsu considered the idea for a few seconds, both walking towards the sunset that was hiding in front of them between the roads of London, the people walking their dogs in the streets and the small flower stores near them. The weather seemed to have decided to allow a pleasant evening, where a light sweater was not uncomfortable, but the coolness still allowed them both to wear shorts and ripped jeans respectively.

—Well, then, I would like to do it.

—You would?

—Yes, maybe yes. You said you'd take me to Soho and then party.

—Well, well, that's true, I will. I will, although for today we may have to keep the plan just around this part of London.

—I definitely want to see the koi fish, that's for sure —she nodded— but... we could maybe go for a drink and drink it at home.

—We can also go to a pub if you want. 

—Is that a good idea?

—Sounds good to me —she shrugged.

Alsu looked into her eyes, even as the two continued walking. Silently and without taking her eyes off her for a second, Erin could feel her hands tingling as she imagined taking her hand, and that magic ignited in her chest that confirmed what she felt for her teammate: Alsu's defiant look seemed a kind of challenge to make her stand there, watching each other and waiting for a smile to overcome the tension between them. 

A silence like that could only be broken by a cathartic declaration of love, right? By leaning closer or telling her how cute she looked in that oversized cardigan and the matte lipstick she was wearing. 

—Should I trust that if we do that...

—Nice lipstick.

—... everything will be o-? Huh?

—Uh, I, I said that's a nice lipstick you're wearing. I haven't seen it before.

—Ah. Thank you, thank you very much —she smiled suddenly; the compliment had taken her by surprise, but even more so the realization that, as she looked into her eyes, Erin was also looking at her lips.— It's new. 

—That colour suits you —she smiled—. And... about that, well, I think it would be a bit strange if it was me telling you whether you should trust me or not. What do you think?

—I... —she paused. 

They had been about to cross a street when the traffic light changed to the stop sign for pedestrians so quickly that Alsu hadn't been aware, her gaze still on her teammate, so Erin had grabbed her hand to stop her from crossing. The tug on her hand had surprised her, but the horn of the bus that passed within a metre of her on the street even more.

Erin pulled her into a hug without a second thought. She heard her teammate's laughter in her chest, and although the older girl hadn't found it as funny as she did, she couldn't help the smile that came to her face when she could see Alsu's face move away from where it had been for a few seconds, next to her collarbone, with that cheerful gesture on her porcelain face that always made her look like the protagonist of some film. It completely stole his breath away when she could see her like that.

—Are you all right? —she asked, still smiling.

—Yes, yes, I'm fine. I'm fine, don't worry... It was funny.

—You think so?

—A little —she said with a laugh.

She stepped away from her friend to do so, staying by her side still, but contrary to what Erin had expected, not letting go of her hand. The blonde tried to keep as calm an expression as she could while holding her hand, even as she stopped laughing, even as the traffic light changed colour and even as they moved on to the next street, walking side by side.

—I think we can go to a pub today —Alsu said suddenly— I think you're going to take good care of me.

The walk to the Asian restaurant was not as short as Erin had led Alsu to believe, but she hadn't noticed anyway. For about three kilometres, the walk that could have taken them just over half an hour had turned into almost two hours, and that didn't bother either of them. It was time they enjoyed and wanted to extend as long as possible: so they had walked at a slow, leisurely pace through the streets lined with boutiques and jewellery shops, between pizza restaurants and cafés with neon lights and the occasional town square where older couples strolled. 

They had also entered almost every antique shop along the way, where Alsu had lucked into a small doll along the same lines as the ones her father had bought her as a child, which she had drawn on to tell Erin about her childhood and the games she played with her brother and cousins in the fields near home. In one of those shops full of old porcelain figurines and objects with their corresponding stories as descriptions in the display cases, she also told her about the way she used to make her dolls play football with rubber balls and how she chased her dogs around the yard until they chased her back, among other trivial anecdotes that had come to light, under the red roof and the warm lights inside the shop.

Further along, as the sun was in full shadow and the moon began to rise in the eastern sky, they both took the opposite side of the road to avoid the crowds of people walking towards some of the small restaurants and fast food places on the side of the avenue they were on, watching the nightlife beginning to fill every corner, the starless night, the pubs and clubs where people would only seem to walk in and not out. To their left, the quieter part of the street sheltered them between the occasional convenience store and the 24-hour laundromat, whose signs glowed amidst indoor plants and glass panes. 

They forgot the time talking endlessly, but also discreetly watching those on the other side of the road who they found interesting looking people; who wore clothes they liked or some pets with curious haircuts, and while only the usual sounds of the city reached their ears, in Erin's mind her favourite romantic songs played, because she couldn't imagine anything else when next to her the girl who made her feel stunned when looking into her eyes was walking with such a wide smile. All she could think of was the soundtrack of the film she had imagined since she first met Alsu.

So it was that eventually, around nine o'clock in the evening, they arrived at the doors of that restaurant. It wasn't among the most popular in the city despite the great taste of its dishes; they hadn't been settled in London for long and its main forte was promo days, but they still had to wait a few minutes before they could enter, which was a perfect time to take Alsu to the pond that adorned a courtyard under the small bridge that led to the entrance.

And the gaze with which he observed the fish in the water was of the utmost curiosity. It was true that she had never seen such large fish, let alone so many in one place. The colourful light decorations of the restaurant were reflected in the crystal clear water of the pond, which rippled with movement and was partially covered by some aquatic plants. A small artificial waterfall brought a constant stream of water and behind it, speakers hidden among plastic plants played disco music; in the pond the huge fish swam from side to side, from their pearly white shades to the completely black ones, passing through beautiful bright reddish and orange tones. Alsu followed them with a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eye that she could only find adorable.

Erin took her hand again as they both leaned down by the pond, first with the excuse of holding her in case she slipped, but once they stood up, for no reason at all. And perhaps they both knew the reason they would not let go of each other's hands. The reason they continued to stare for too long at the pond without saying a word or even moving, just feeling the warmth of each other's hand in their own and the softness of their skin, smiles that spoke for themselves even though they weren't facing each other. Perhaps all they needed to know was that they didn't want to let go of each other's hands, not even when they were finally asked to enter and take the table they had requested for both of them. 

They tried everything Erin had recommended, in small portions, but enough so that after a while of long conversations and laughing at the old music videos on the restaurant's televisions, they had to order some of that food to take home instead of ordering something extra for their roommates. In any case, the reality was that, in fact, by the time they had decided to leave the restaurant, both were far less conscious of their decisions than when they had entered: neither had ever tasted baijiu, but two rounds of drinks in its smallest presentation had been enough to make them both more than a little inebriated.

Of course, not enough to deprive them of deciding to walk the city streets for a while: the night was just beginning and there was no reason to go home early. Although Alsu wasn't completely knocked out, Erin knew she definitely wasn't sober, and she knew it because she was now holding not only her hand, but her arm and shoulder at times, but she was also sure that she was having the time of her life. Never before had she seen her teammate talk so outgoingly, tell so many things in such a carefree way, or crack jokes, when she was used to seeing her as a quieter person. 

Now she enjoyed seeing her so cheerful and carefree, even if at times she didn't know the words to say what she wanted to say in English. Heck, even now she was occasionally speaking Russian, blurting out whole sentences without remembering that Erin couldn't understand her, and then laughing when she realised it.

They were chatting like when they were on their way to the restaurant, but now the conversation was louder, all smiles, and everything around them seemed faster than usual. The older girl could still tell where were the streets they had to cross to get to the underground station, but they were in no hurry to go through them, strolling was the only thing they wanted to do with their time without looking at the clock, when the moon could be a better guide between the bustling streets and the clubs that blared music all the way to the street side in every block. She wasn't completely lost, though she was tired from the walk, but her mind was so focused on protecting Alsu from any danger that she couldn't even differentiate when she stopped listening to Last Friday Night, and it switched to Domino as they walked past a different club a few steps ahead, or at what point Levitating had switched to Kiss Me More, which they listened to from a distance as they walked down the stairs to the underground.

Their train carriage didn't take too long, and the number of people using the line they would be using at that time was not significant. They had been able to choose a couple of seats comfortable enough to travel together without being too close to other people; as if for half an hour they could remain away from the rest of the world and just listen to each other talk, their voices now at a much lower volume and with the discretion of being accompanied only by the sound of the moving tube and the silence of other passengers. Alsu brushed the blonde hair away from Erin's shoulders with as much care as she could muster in her state, and leaned her head on one of them. She couldn't know how much her teammate had felt her heart pounding at that moment.

—I've never had a night like this before —admitted Alsu, who had been talking to her about sometimes unrelated subjects for a while now.

—What do you mean, 'a night like this'?

—Like... such a quiet night.

—Oi, this seems quiet to you, eh?

—No, no, that's not what I mean... —she smiled, dropping into the seat back for a moment— I mean... How do I say that? When it's not all quiet, but nothing makes you uneasy?

—I don't really understand —she smiled, trying to meet her gaze, which kept staring at the ceiling—, maybe I'm too drunk still?

—I wish I could explain it better... —she said, in a tone of voice that showed how hard it was for her to form coherent sentences in her state— Like... Kogda q s toboy, moe serdce chuvstvuet sebq spokoyno.

—Alsu, I have no idea what you're saying, remember?

—I wish you knew —she smiled— every day is so tiring, so many things to do and so little time.

—What are you talking about now? —she laughed.

—I know it sounds like something totally different, but I'm talking about the same thing... Everything is so fast, and I feel so tired of doing so many things. I miss... not doing all that.

Alsu closed her eyes, as if she was about to fall asleep, and Erin knew she had to avoid something like that at all costs. She spoke in a slightly louder tone of voice to make her open her eyes again.

—Huh, hey, Alsu... what if you could do anything? What would you do then? If you didn't have to do so many things every day?

The younger girl opened her eyes again, looking at her from the side of her eyes and shrugging afterwards.

—Well... I don't really know. I don't know... sometimes I feel like I have everything, and now that I have everything, I don't know what I want. I don't think I want anything special, except....

—What thing?

—I don't know how to explain it. The heart. I want it to be... as calm as it is about what I used to worry about. 

—Now you're worried about new things? —Yes.

—Now I want to have what I had before —she said, once the words had come into order in her mind—. To be calm.

—Oh. I think I see what you mean now.

—You know? if I could do anything I wanted, I'd go home early, every day, and spend time with you...

—With me? —she questioned again and swallowed. Her lips couldn't help but form a smile.

—With you. Er... pozhaluista, poslushai menia... —she said, suddenly taking her face in her hands and looking straight at her. They were mere centimetres from each other, the movement of the carriage making them move closer and further apart at times— Kogda q s toboy, moe serdce chuvstvuet sebq spokoyno. 

—Yes... yes, sure.

She didn't know what Alsu was saying at all, didn't even understand for sure if it was something to do with her, but a surprising intuition told her that it was, that she was talking about something she hadn't even been taught to express in a language they could both understand. Something so complex that perhaps it didn't even have a way of putting it into words. And perhaps even the fact that she couldn't understand it made the language barrier the very thin fabric that separated the inevitable from the right. She could feel that fragility, that tickle that came over her as she faced that sweet gaze and the coldness of her fingers slipping out of the sleeve of the cardigan that covered her teammate's palms. She brought her forehead close to hers and the speed of the underground was matched only by the adrenaline rushing through her body.

And yet, she was sure that Alsu was referring to the feeling of being together. That even inside a speeding train, even with her heart pounding out of her chest, feeling the skin of her forehead against her own and the warmth of her breath, she couldn't feel more at peace. Calm. In her own universe, which she wanted to get closer to and never leave...

Chapter Text

When Erin woke up, the alarms on her phone were still going off every two minutes, having been postponed for the thousandth time that morning. The sun streamed through her window through the curtains she'd forgotten to close the night before, while outside she could hear the sound of the television, one of those reality shows Lauren watched on Saturday mornings.

She looked beside her to realise that next to her on the bed was only the solitary spot of an untucked blanket. Alsu was no longer there beside her, but her shoes, still damp from the rain, and one of those scrunchies she usually tied up her hair with, with little blue ribbon details that glistened now in the sunlight, were there. She smiled, but that smile quickly faded as she thought more carefully about the situation. What the hell had just happened? 

She got up, ran to the bathroom and felt in her stomach the ravages of not having had a proper dinner and going overboard with the drinks. She wondered if perhaps Alsu was in the same situation in her own room upstairs, and hoped she wasn't, but considering her inexperience, she might not even be awake. The clock on her phone showed 11 a.m., an hour well past the time she was used to waking up on Saturdays the day before she had a pre-match training session. 

She wasn't really alarmed by that; they were due to arrive at Cobham to see the rest of the team at three in the afternoon, from where they would start the journey to the South of London for the next away game on Monday, but none of her flatmates were ready to leave. As she left the room she found Lauren still fixing her hair in front of a hand mirror, her luggage beside her but relaxed enough to have her attention on the television.

—Good morning, crazy hair.

—Huh? Oh —she replied, as she reached the kitchen and noticed in the reflection of the microwave how messy her hair was that morning. Not specifically in front, but there was a whole mess on the back of her head. God, this is a mess.

—Do you need help?

—No, no... or, well, maybe a little.

With a smirk, her teammate appeared from the living room after a few seconds, with the comb she was using for her own hair and some conditioner. She waited patiently as her roommate began to gently untangle her hair; Erin's gaze was lost somewhere in front of her, not really watching or thinking about anything.

—What time did you guys get home last night? You were supposed to bring us dinner and we ended up ordering food home. 

—Uh... I honestly don't remember. Seriously, I don't really remember, although it was probably eleven o'clock or one in the morning.

—Didn't you see the clock when you came back? 

—I don't think so...

—It looks like it was a fun night, doesn't it? —she commented, just as the sounds coming from Erin's stomach came to attention again.

—You have no idea, —she replied sarcastically— I need to eat something. Did you eat the Chinese food that Al...? Oh, God... Alsu's awake?

—Yes, yes, she woke up quite early. In your room, by the way —she said with a special tone in her voice, as her eyebrows hinted more through the mirror at her companion.

—Is she in her room?

—She has classes on Saturdays, remember? She must be already there since a while ago. She left shortly after she woke up, I think she had to take one of her monthly tests today.

—Oh, I see —her cheeks were still flushed as she talked about it— and did she say anything before she left?

—Well, she had breakfast with us, but we didn't want to ask too many questions. She did say she had a lot of fun with you last night, though.

—Oh, God. Oh, good. Okay, that's good —she nodded. Lauren finished brushing her hair and applied some conditioner to it, finishing it off with a playful little swipe to her head—. I just hope she got enough sleep for her test. 

—You should eat something. We all ate breakfast earlier, and if you're going to shower, it might take you some time.

—Did you leave any food?

—Well, we ate everything you brought yesterday, but... I think I had left half of a fruit salad in the fridge if you don't want to prepare anything.

—Thank you, I'll take it... —she said, walking towards the fridge. The salad was in a small transparent package and was a little less than half: of course it was not enough for the appetite she was feeling that morning, but in her mind before the food was the feeling of bewilderment at the fact that she had no idea what had happened the night before. She well remembered drinking a lot of baijiu, she barely remembered leaving the restaurant with Alsu and then there were many flashes of walking back to the underground station. She hadn't been that drunk, had she? It was just as if it had all happened so much longer ago, and not the night before... Why couldn't she remember? Her thoughts stopped her before she opened the container, and she stood up again— Ah, hey, Lauren! I... I think I'll go ahead to Cobham. 

—Oh. Are you sure? I thought you were having breakfast.

—Yeah, well, I'll do it on the way, I just... I remembered I had to do something first.

—Wouldn't you rather wait for us? We'll be ready in about an hour.

—Uh... —She still hesitated about what she would say. She wasn't even sure if she'd go ahead or what she'd do when she went outside, but it definitely didn't sound like a good idea to wait another hour on the couch overthinking— No, no, don't worry, take your time.

—Are you taking the bus?

—No, no, don't worry. Don't worry, take your time.

She ran to her room, coming out a few seconds later with the basics of her clothes in a backpack, then grabbing one of the sports sweatshirts from the rack, not even sure if it was hers, and finally heading out the door. 

She skipped down the stairs, one hand on her phone, and called for a taxi. The only thing she knew as she left her building and stood in the middle of the street was that she wanted to talk to Mason, and at the moment, she didn't want to meet Alsu until she knew what to say to her face to face.

She put on one of her headphones as she got into the taxi and all the way to Cobham, which was spent eating the fruit she had brought from home with some trepidation, the silence between her and the driver was, fortunately for her, quite short, as the alternate routes during that drizzly morning had been much clearer, making the journey quicker than it would have been if she had taken the bus.

She thanked as she stepped out of the taxi in front of the club's doors, barely waving to those she met on the way inside, since her hands and eyes were more occupied with typing in her best friend's phone number.

—Mase?

—Er?

—Hey, hello, are you in Cobham?

—Yeah. Well, I'm going to take a shower, we just finished practice. Why do you ask? Honestly, I thought you'd forgotten that we're playing at home on Sunday and you were calling me to go home together —he said with a laugh.

—No, no, it's just... Well, I need to talk to someone. Can you?

—Sure, as soon as I get out of the shower, but aren't you travelling with the team today? 

—Yeah, we're actually meeting here in a bit to leave, but I think I've got some time. 

—Okay. If you want, Ben's working in his office, I can meet you there, unless it's just between you and me.

—No, no, I'll see you in Ben's office. 

Mason had barely managed to say “Okay” before he heard Erin end the call. He looked quizzically at his phone and set it down next to the clothes he'd be wearing as soon as he got out of the shower. Of course, he was worried about what Erin had said to him, because words like that were always at least uncommon, but the fact that her tone of voice didn't sound altered, but rather confused, was a good sign. He knew her well enough to know the way she reacted to things.

As usual, his shower after a workout was rather quick and not too careful. Most of the team was in the showers and they had to leave quickly, so he didn't have too much time to spend there either. He chatted with Trevoh and Christian in the locker room, and, as usual, barely managed a shy greeting to Kai in the distance, who was busy talking to Mateo and Antonio.

The previous night had ended in a strangely pleasant way. He himself had had to bring that instinct that had finally allowed him to prevent something they might regret from happening, and even being almost certain that they'd both been close to it, that it had probably been something in both of their wills that had brought them to that point where things had definitely felt romantic between the two of them, Mason was more than sure in guessing that Kai now, in the light of day and looking at each other from time to time with a relaxed and even indistinct expression, was grateful that things had been given a chance to get back to normal.

Their interactions at practice, at lunch and in the locker room were still limited, not too deep and rather casual, but that raised doubts in him about how far he could go. And he could imagine Kai felt the same way. He wondered how right it was then to move in the direction that seemed to draw them like magnets under the cover of darkness, if that was then what they both wanted, if Kai felt the same way about him, and if it was real, when at times he felt so clearly that it was not. 

Things were always confusing with him, weren't they? Did that bother him? And if it didn't bother him, then did he want to change things, or just keep playing that fun game that seemed to entertain them both so much? It was entertaining, but for how much longer could they play?

Sometimes, when he watched Kai at practice, something in him almost felt like he couldn't recognise him. But then he would look closely at the way he spoke, the way he moved his body, the depth of his gaze, and he knew that behind that serious, shy demeanour was the boy he spent sleepless nights with. And sometimes it made him want to go up to him in a solitary moment and corner him against the back wall of some lonely building in Cobham to kiss him once and for all, and make it clear how much he really dreamed of him. In every possible way.

But those thoughts weren't dreams, just fantasies he wasn't sure he'd ever act on. What if it isn't what he wants in the end? I can't even be sure of that. He thought to himself as he walked through the planters of the training centre on his way to the healthcare building, where he could already make out the warm light on in Ben's office. It was a sunless day for them; from the early hours of the morning, thick clouds had been scudding across the sky, keeping out the sun's rays, and after a light drizzle that had caught them mid—training, past midday the clouds seemed unwilling to disperse. The information on his phone and on the TV in the waiting room said that rainy days were approaching with a thunderstorm in a couple of days.

Constant, heavy rain was not his favourite weather, but heat waves still brought back terrible memories he'd rather forget, so he was happy to go out on one of those days to buy maybe a couple of clothes suitable for the rain, now that Ben insisted every time they went out together that most of his clothes were pretty dull.

As was his habit, he knocked four times on Ben's closed office door, until he heard his friend's voice inside acknowledging him and inviting him in.

—Hey —he greeted them, as he set his backpack down on the single chair that was free. Ben and Erin were already in the double couch, their faces not giving him the best impression— Did I miss much?

—Well...

—The only thing you could have missed, really —Erin said wryly.

—What do you mean?

—It's stupid, Mase. I'm stupid —she shrugged, raising a grumble from her best friends, who had immediately debated that last sentence.

—Hey, I've seen you do a lot of stupid shit, and I don't think you're stupid —Mason added.

—I don't know if that's the smartest way to put it, but I agree with Mason. Besides, this is pretty common, it happens all the time, trust me. 

—Okay, but I still need context, what's going on? What happened?

—Well, Erin and Alsu went out yesterday.

—Okay. Okay —he nodded, as his best friend plopped down on the back of the couch, arms folded, waiting for Ben to finish telling him about it— Did you go to the dog shelter yesterday?

—Yes, yes, we went to the dog shelter.

—Great! How did it go there?

—Mase, I'll text you about it later, mate —Erin replied, playing it down.

—Well, the important thing now is that... —Ben interrupted, agreeing with her— Well, they went to eat at a restaurant and drank...

—Baijiu.

—Wow! —exclaimed Mason.

—Hey, in my defence, I'd only drank it once, and I had no idea how much alcohol was in that stuff. 

—I had no idea Alsu even drank.

—Well, that's kind of the problem —Ben clarified—. Apparently they drank too much, both of them. Well, I mean, they were really, really drunk last night.

—So? What happened after that?

—I don't know, I don't remember! That's the issue, Mason! —Erin exclaimed.

—Oh...

—I don't know, I just... I remember us going to that restaurant because Alsu wanted to see the koi fish, so, well, we ate, we drank and we walked down the street, we walked so many streets... or at least that's what it seemed like.... After that I only have very blurry memories, it's like it was a film or something, all I know is that we slept together in my room, because today I woke up with her wet shoes next to my bed and the scrunchie she was wearing yesterday on my mattress. I mean, I don't even remember us drinking that much, you know? Actually, that's... I've had baijiu before. 

—Now, how much?

—Well, um, that... well, I think just something like a drink. 

—Yeah, something tells me that it was more than just a drink yesterday.

—Yeah, I guess... That would explain why I don't remember shit. I just hope she doesn't either, because if she does I... I don't know what the hell that'll mean. 

She sighed, the stress visible on her face. Ben and Mason looked at each other with concern, though they clearly were at a loss as to what they should do.

—... So what did Alsu say to you today? —asked Mount.

—That's the problem, I haven't even seen her today. She had a test this morning for her English classes, so she left the house early. When I woke up she was gone.

—So you still haven't seen her since yesterday?

—No.

—That's what I mean, —Ben said, turning to Mason—. They haven't even seen each other today, you know? We don't even know what Alsu's going to say about it, or if she's going to say anything.

—And isn't that a fucking concern? —Erin exclaimed, her hands covering her face—. I'm so bloody nervous.

—Well, it could be a concern or it could be a good thing, you know? What if she doesn't even remember anything about yesterday? Or maybe she just remembers that she had a lot of fun with you. Or maybe she remembers and she's happy about it, maybe now she's remembering everything with a smile on her face as she finishes that exam, huh? She could remember more than you and be happy about it, couldn't she?

The blonde didn't answer that question in words, but the way she picked up one of the couch cushions, covered her face with it and sank a frustrated cry into it gave the other two an idea of how she felt. Mason and Ben looked into each other's eyes, unsure if they should say more.

—Or not —Mason added.

—I haven't even thought about what I'm going to say to her when I see her —he said against the cloth.

—Why don't you just act normal?

—No, no, what if she takes it as Er regretting what happened last night? —Ben interrupted.

—What if nothing happened last night?

—God, how am I going to do this —Erin whispered, still hugging the couch cushion.

—Well, calm down, Mason's right, what if nothing did happen? What's more, it seems very likely to me that if you don't remember anything, Alsu won't either. I mean, it was her first night of baijiu, but you definitely have a lot more experience in losing your mind with alcohol. 

—Hey —she replied, throwing the cushion at him—. I guess that's kind of true, though.

—Are you guys going to see each other later? —asked her teammate.

—Yeah, in about half an hour we should all be here for the game this weekend. I really should be going soon. 

—No, no, wait —said Ben—. Listen, I know maybe everything we're talking about right now seems stupid and you're frustrated, but it's true: maybe nothing happened, maybe Alsu doesn't remember, we can't know, but I'm sure if she did remember and she wasn't okay with it, she'd probably be so upset she'd have called you by now.

—And what am I supposed to do if she didn't and now she wants to talk to me in person?

—Well, talk to her. It doesn't have to be a nightmare, Er.

Erin shrugged, unconsciously, now hugging the small emergency travel bag she usually left in Ben's office. She sighed, her gaze lacking the confidence she would have liked.

—I just think I'm afraid I've done something she wouldn't want me to do.

—Do you think that's possible? I trust you, Er. It wouldn't happen.

—Besides, I think it's pretty clear at this point that you both want the same things from each other —Mason said, with a smile that he hoped would reassure his best friend— Hey, for what it's worth saying... someone told me that you two clearly look in love. And I think it's very true.

Erin, who had already risen from her spot, looked at him with exactly the expression Mason wanted to see on her. That resigned chuckle wasn't one of dejection, but the small joy those words had caused her in the rush of her mind at the moment. 

—Thank you. You guys aren't always so dumb, isn't it? —she said, holding the front door.

—Text us about what happens —Ben replied.

—I'll report absolutely everything to you, rest assured, —she said  without hesitation—.  Wish me luck, please.

And they did, also trying to make the smiles on their faces as soothing as possible for their friend. They kept staring at the door for a few seconds once she hurried out of the room, for it was true that although what they had said was sincere, they weren't sure how things might turn out between Erin and her love interest. After all, neither of them had had the opportunity to get to know Alsu as thoroughly as their best friend did.

—Do you think it's going to be all right?

—I don't think either of them probably remembers shit. Have you ever drank baijiu?

—No, but this is a big warning.

—Yeah, so I'd suggest taking it... Well, we did what we could —Ben shrugged, still staring at the door Erin had rushed out of—. And she forgot her sunblock in the bathroom.

Mason sighed, though he soon sat up on the couch and picked up his backpack from the floor.

—Well, three days together will give them plenty of time to get everything right.

—I guess. Hey, do you want to stay and keep me company for a while? You can put on some music, I have some reports to finish, but it won't take too long.

—Well...

—Besides, I heard you guys finished practice early today.  

—Yes, we did, though... well, honestly, I think Kai will go to my place today this afternoon or evening.

—Shocking.

—Very funny —he said wryly—. It's not for sure yet, but he said he would be there to see some of the pictures of the puppies at the shelter with me, so....

—Are you going to replace me with Kai Havertz? —said Ben, with mock indignation.

—Oh, come on...

—Yeah, okay, okay, okay, I get it —he choked back an imaginary tear.

—Hey, I'll redeem it. How about tomorrow?

—Won't he sleep with you?

—No, of course not.

—You wish.

Mason smiled, though he preferred not to answer anything, because in his mind he could picture the image of Kai peacefully asleep on his sheets, and it was quite distracting.

—Do you want to go get a beer or should we order food at your place?

—We could order both on the self—invitation you're giving yourself to my place. 

—Well, you're the one who wanted my company —he smiled, causing his friend to laugh too. I'll see you tomorrow, yeah? 

—Okay. I'll tell you later if it's tomorrow or in two days, after the game, but you owe it to me.

—Sure.  

—All right then. Go, love calls, Romeo.

—Hey, Kai, by the way, um, well... what I've been thinking is maybe we could go out together one day. You know, go out like, somewhere out of here, not necessarily at night, we could go eat a meal or, or somewhere just to... oh, god. No, no, shit, it sounds so stupid like this.... 

Mason held his hands to his face, in front of his bathroom mirror. He had probably twenty minutes trying out lines to express the same proposition, some of them different, some of them the same, but he couldn't help but think as he looked at himself that he looked like a loser. Even more time he had been thinking about Kai, perhaps since arriving at his apartment, which he had cleaned out every nook and cranny, keeping in mind all the places his teammate could spend time with him that night. 

Kai hadn't said last night what time he would get there, and he regretted a little not asking, because now, waiting, he was reminded that he could never anticipate when Kai would come knocking on his door, because the timing could be as random as it was fortunate: sometimes he would arrive after sunset, sometimes at almost midnight, but always allowing him just enough time to clean and spend frustrating minutes in front of one of the many crystal surfaces in his flat fixing his hair.

He was not in the best of moods, moreover: earlier, on arriving at his flat, he had been intercepted by Mr. Jones, an elderly man whose flat was upstairs from his and who never hesitated to let him know of any inconvenience he caused him, no matter how small. 

This time it was the noise from the night before: he and Kai had been on the roof for a small part of the night, maybe not even three hours, and although they hadn't bothered to keep their voices down, as Mason knew that the top floor of his building was empty, it didn't seem to stop his neighbour from focusing on angrily complaining about the building's ban on rooftop access. 

Not only that: he hadn't complained about the noise, but about the fact that he had been on the roof for so long, for what the man had described as ''suspicious reasons''. Mason knew that he had never been much to his neighbour's liking; the old man was an intense fan of Arsenal and anti—migrant politics, and he had not been at all happy to put up with the mess that three months of severe depression had meant for Mason, in which the smallest of details, such as keeping flies from infesting his balcony or turning down the music on nights when things got too rough, were not that important. 

It was the sort of thing that Mr. Jones didn't care to understand and on which Mason was sure he based the authority he felt to claim with great annoyance that the night before he had seen Mason come upstairs with a mysterious suitcase and then stay up there for hours. Of course, that drama seemed to Mount to be surplus to requirements, as did the comments the man had made in the past.

Mount, of course, found the drama to be uncalled for, as well as the comments the man had made about his behaviour in recent months, which he described as ''weird'', having overheard him having conversations in the evenings and keeping the lights on.

He had ignored him, trying not to make a big deal out of it, while assuring him that the inconvenience would not happen again.  

Despite the bad time, at least he found that his hair didn't look like shit that day. Maybe his clothes were still a bit dull, but what he really found discouraging was the insecurity he knew his body showed every time he uttered those words he hoped he could say to Kai face to face. And it was true that he was nervous, how could he not be? He had never made such a direct proposal to Havertz before, and although he could disguise it as a purely friendly invitation, his intention was to give at least a hint of the idea that this ''going out'' was not intended as merely a stroll, but as a date.

He glanced at his phone, which was still playing music he hoped could give himself confidence. It was almost ten o'clock at night and he knew Kai should be on his way: his mind wanted him to take even longer to avoid the stress his nervousness was causing him, but his heart just wanted to see him there in his flat soon, to say everything and accept any reaction to it.

—This is stupid —he said, turning off the light by the sink mirror. He headed for his room, and once there he grabbed his laptop from the desk, which he carried under his arm as he went down the stairs to his living room. 

There, he rested it on his lap and began to check the messages on all the sites where he had posted the ad for the summer house for sale. Sometimes he would procrastinate for days and days until the weekend came, when for some reason he felt slightly more relaxed and ready to tackle the task of opening his computer and start scrolling through the hits and queries on his ads.

In all honesty, the activity was rather disappointing. Usually, the questions were the same, related to the price, the conditions of the transaction and the characteristics of the property, but they never went beyond a question or better. He knew that buying a house was not like buying a T-shirt, but that didn't make it any less frustrating to answer so many messages that one way or another didn't seem to go any further.

. It was tiring, but he felt it was a responsibility that, in a way, made him feel better to have. It was better to do something so frustrating than to feel like he was doing nothing.

The brightness of the screen reflected on his face, since it was the only source of illumination in the room, while from the kitchen and the small balcony all the lights were on. Occasionally, perhaps looking for patterns where there were none, Mason suspected that, from wherever he came from whenever he did, Kai would orient himself by the light through his windows to know if he should visit. Or so he hoped.

He shifted positions a couple of times on the couch, changed the TV channel a few times, but before eleven o'clock at night, Kai Havertz was already knocking on his door. 

—Hey —the German greeted him once he was through the door. Lately, he had gotten into the habit of hugging him every time he came and every time he left, but it wasn't the kind of hug Mason was used to with the rest of his teammates. It was a deeper embrace, one where his eyes always ended up closing at the closeness of Kai's skin and the sound of his voice in his ears— How are you tonight?

—Meh. I'm better now that you're here —he admitted against his cheek, trying to sound a lot more confident than he really was.

—Why is that? —An empathetic smile showed in his expression, it always seemed so sincere to his partner that he didn't even feel the need to wonder if he should speak; he knew he could.

—You know, the house —he said as he separated— It's like... I knew this kind of thing isn't that simple, but it's a bit disappointing all this.

—You know there will always be a buyer for anything for sale, but I get it. It's a tiresome process, isn't it?

—It is. Too mentally exhausting. I just wish it was as easy to sell it as it was to buy it.

—Maybe that will be too difficult, Mase. —he laughed— Did you finish answering the messages these days?

—Yes, there weren't too many, I just took a while to write some replies and I had to call the company for some questions I didn't know how to answer.

—It's so unfair that they're not making an effort to help you with this...

—Supposedly ''they are,'' —he said, indicating quotation marks with his fingers as he led Kai into the kitchen— but I know it's not a priority for them. At this point, I've even thought that maybe we need to set a lower price, and it's ridiculous, properties aren't supposed to lower their price, they're supposed to raise it, right? It seems no one fancies a holiday in Portsmouth —he said ironically.

—Oh, come on, Mase —lamented the younger man, who was already leaning against his kitchen worktop. Mason had already told him more times than necessary that he could have water, biscuits or whatever he wanted from the kitchen, but despite this, Kai never did: in fact, he never touched any of the food or drink in his kitchen unless it was offered directly by the host. It was surprising to him that he would worry about it considering that he did enter his home uninvited and unconcerned— Don't talk about your city like that —he smiled.

—Well, I'm being honest, have you ever heard of Portsmouth before?

—Well... —Kai hesitated about what to answer, though he tried to keep a friendly face—. No, OK, but now I've heard of it! Now that I hear it from you, I'd like to visit it sometime —he said kindly, and Mount knew he was perhaps being too kind to his hometown.

—If I'm honest, I'll feel like a bit of a fraud selling that house. I know there's not much to see in Portsmouth, you know? There aren't usually nice sunny days on the beach, like there might be in California or the Caribbean. Nor any kind of interesting historical monuments. It's just a seaside town.

—But people won't know that —Kai added optimistically.

—That's true —he sighed, then leaned back against the piece of furniture behind him.

—Besides, it sounds like a quiet place. Hey, sometimes people just want a quiet place to escape to from everyday life.

—That's kind of what I want, actually. 

—Have you been stressed out a lot these days?

—Uh, no. I mean, not really, I think somehow I've been calmer and I know it's probably going to be okay... Spending time with you and my friends is nice because I forget everything, but... You know, It's like a little thought in the back of my mind, that won't go away, and just when I'm at peace I remember it and... and I stop feeling so calm.

—You know it's going to be okay with her, right? With your mom.

—Yeah... yeah, sure, I mean, I guess it's true.

—It's true, it is at least in all likelihood, Mason. You know you were doing better when you were all together at home, and you know that she'll most likely get better once she's here and you can all be together again. At least you know it will be easier when all your brothers are with you on this.

—It's just a matter of patience and... waiting for her to do her part well, right? Actually, that's the tricky part.

—I'm sure she's capable of doing it, though it's up to you to be patient.

As he poured tea into a cup, Mason couldn't help a sarcastic chuckle.

—Why is what's so simple so complicated, anyway? 

—Hey —Kai called out to him. Unbeknownst to him, he approached him from behind and took the teapot from his hands, so he could help him pour into his cup and put sugar in both of them— I'll help you make it simpler. I promise.

Mason smiled, unable and unwilling to hide from his teammate the relief and true sense of appeasement he felt because of him. And it was so nice to know that there was always a relief, always an assured sense of peace, always a smile waiting for him after seeing Kai appear every night under his doorframe.

Seeing him so close, and acting so confidently at his side made him think at times that he was totally used to his presence, he felt that often with Kai: the feeling of knowing him for much longer than he really knew him, and the urge for him to be there for much longer. That was something he was sure he wanted.

How can I keep you with me always, Kai? Because I swear, I want to keep you with me for the rest of my life, and I'm sure no one has ever made me feel everything I feel with you before. Isn't it amazing that I feel like this is what I want for the rest of my life? 

And it was the security of feeling protected by his side, the smile at the thought of a future with him, at the thought that this boy would be there every night, maybe every day, and every waking moment: he really wanted that, and he couldn't help but fall so deeply in love with him already. He remembered hearing people, ever since he was a boy, talk about love, about getting married, about just knowing it when they found the one, and it was something Mason had thought of as a kind of lie that people told themselves to justify the most mundane of things, but now it didn't seem that way: he'd never believed in just knowing when he'd meet the right person, that was built up over time, right? But maybe it wasn't always like that.

I think I feel that now, and it's you, Kai Havertz. It's you who makes me feel safe to know that you want me, because I want you, because I'm completely fallen for you, I want to sink into you and look into your endless eyes when you're in front of me, to lie in your lap and soak in your energy. I want you in my life Am I going too far now? I just want to keep you in my life, how can I keep you in my life, Kai?

—Why are you looking at me? —said Kai, giggling at his expression.

—No, no, nothing —he smiled, highly embarrassed at how long I'd been staring at him— I, I just... well, do you want to go to the living room?

—Yeah. Sure, sure —he said cheerfully, and then picked up one of the cups of tea on the counter, while his other hand helped him carry a large bowl of cereal to the small table in the middle of the couches. The space looked a little different than Kai remembered it, now that Mason had taken some time out of the afternoon to rearrange the albums and some of the other things on the vintage—style shelf around his TV set—. Did you rearrange something?

—Yes, well, a little bit. There were some things getting a little dusty on the top, so I decided to rearrange absolutely everything —he said with a laugh.

—I hadn't even paid attention to some of the stuff you have in there... but, hey, before you change the subject, what was it you were thinking?

—Huh?

—You were about to tell me what you were thinking when you were looking at me.

He took, as discreetly as possible, a breath of air to give himself the courage to speak.

—Well... actually, I was thinking that... You know, I think we should go out sometime together.

He didn't want to look directly into the eyes of Kai, who he knew was looking at him, so he turned his gaze to the furniture in front of him. For if the sentence had been too hesitant to come out of his mouth without at least a hint of nervousness in the tone, the gesture on his face didn't have a hint of confidence either. The trembling of his hand tightly clenched the edge of the cup that allowed him to set it down carefully on the smooth edge of the table next to one of the armchairs, the sound of the action being a bit louder due to the silence that corresponded to that question. 

Kai still hadn't answered after three seconds counted in his mind, but when he did, it wasn't any more reassuring.

—Huh?

—I... well, I'm saying we could go out together one of these days, somewhere.

—During the day?

—Yes, or, I don't know, maybe during the afternoon, or afternoon-evening. It's just an idea.

—Well, the problem is that during the day we have training, most of the day —Kai replied, leaning back his head on the couch to meet Mason's gaze, who was still standing. Contrary to what the older man expected, he did not look serious, but rather serene. He, on the contrary, felt his heart beating like a train as his footsteps approached Kai—. It's a little more complicated, but, I think we could do it…? What kind of things are you thinking about?

Between the nervousness in his mind, the thoughts of aborting the idea he had to ignore, and keeping the cup in his hand without spilling on the path he now followed to the living room, hearing that question in isolation from the rest of the answer had almost sent him into a tachycardia. 

His mind reacted promptly to add the context that would calm his nervousness to sit next to Havertz. Only a few centimeters separated their knees from touching as they sat almost facing each other, one on each side along the three-seater sofa, where the German's curious gaze and a discreet smile on his face confronted him to rephrase the proposal.

—Well, there's a lot of things you can do in London, uh... I think it depends a bit on the moment we go out; in the afternoon we could go to a park, or maybe a café, there are some really good places, or... we could have dinner, go to a pub, it's a very classic thing, have you been to one?

—No, not yet —he smiled— but I've heard that people don't come out of there in a good state.

—No, don't worry, I'd be with you and look after you —he laughed, even if the surprise that Kai showed for a millisecond at that sentence turned to a tone of panic as he added— but, well, it certainly might be a bit of a bad idea if there's training nearly every day, so... uh, well, yeah, we can even go somewhere where you can see the River Thames at night, it's a nice view... in the afternoon we could also go to some CD's and vinyl shops, I have some of my own, but maybe some music would keep you good company at home, we could even go to a concert! There sure are concerts in London.

—That sounds like a very good idea, Mase —he nodded with a smile— But, you'll have to be very kind to teach me about it because I don't really know anything about music here, I think you've noticed.

—What do you mean? —he laughed.

—I mean, I know music and all that, it's just... well, I don't know, actually, I don't think I'd have any idea of what to go and see or listen to here.

—You mean... the music scene here? —he asked, still trying to guess if he understood his words. Kai didn't answer in words, but nodded sheepishly— Oh, Kai...

The tone of disbelief in his voice, despite the initial false indignation, quickly turned into a smile to go with the head shakes he looked at Havertz. He knew well that Kai was not an expert in music, because just like that, sometimes it was as if there were certain aspects with which Havertz had never had any experience, but he was completely willing to intervene in it. His teammate was smiling as well, but averting his eyes to the cushion resting on his legs.

—Is it that bad?

—Kai, am I misunderstanding or are you telling me you don't listen to British music?

—It's not that I don't listen to it, I just don't know exactly... what music is British. I mean, I've probably listened to a lot of British songs, I just don't, well, sometimes I don't, I don't know exactly which artists are British and which are American.

—Oh, you didn't say that!

—Mase, come on —he begged, with a rueful smile as Mount looked increasingly indignant, but at the same time closer to bursting into laughter— Mase, in my ears they both speak English and sometimes it's hard...

—No, no. No, Kai, come on, it can't be. You're in the place with the best music in the whole world!

—That can be subjective —he laughed.

—If there's one thing I can tell you that my father, my grandfather and my grandfather's grandfather have taught me well, it's that England is blessed by music, okay? 

—You'll have to teach me about that too, Mase —he smiled, shrugging his shoulders—. I think some of it would do me good at home, certainly.

—Nothing would make me happier than to do it, really —he said, looking into his eyes. 

The excitement he felt, the teasing mood, culminated in a slight tingle down his back as their gazes connected for a moment, but he had so much to say, that for the first time, he ignored any thoughts that might prevent him from holding his gaze a little longer, just as he held his hand to lift him from his place and lead him a few steps further to the classic bookshelf where, more than the occasional book he'd barely read a couple of pages, there were at least a couple of dozen vinyl records, a compact player and piles of CDs, occupying spaces between the curious figures and some football trophies from his childhood.

Bringing him closer to that space, a strange sensation changed his atmosphere, as if it were the mist clearing from his sight; it was strange to meet another person in that area of his living room, which despite being there all the time, he usually walked through in the solitude of his afternoons, with memories of distant times on his shoulders. It was different to let a person into that space that at times felt so personal despite being in a place open to anyone, but it wasn't a bad feeling. It was something like leading him into the middle of a forest to a secret place, and that was far more magical than strange.

—You have a lot of these —said the younger one, holding up one of the huge covers stacked one on top of the other.

—Those are a bit battered, they're, they're my father's, some of them —he looked at the one Havertz held in his hands. It was the bright red and recognisable for miles from Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me , by The Cure— You know, I think some of the best things he left me were his favourite albums. He loved music so much, and I think he honestly had the best fucking tastes in the world —he smiled, making Kai laugh— Seriously. Most of his vinyls are by Englishmen. For example, the one you have is by The Cure, from the eighties... It's good, he often listened to it when he drove to work and dropped us off at school on the way —He picked up another of the vinyls that were on the same level of the shelf— Look at this one. Do you know Tears For Fears?

The younger boy hesitated for a few seconds, until Mason hummed the chorus of Everybody Wants To Rule The World, when he smiled and followed the rhythm along with him.

—Yeah, I know that one! Sure, I mean, uh, I think there must be a lot of songs I know, but I haven't thought about it. Most of the time I don't remember it....

—Well, the important thing is, do you like that song?

—Yes, I like it —he nodded, with a smile.

—Great! I think that's a very good start, because if you like that song, I think I can show you a lot of songs that you're going to like too. Wait, look at these...

Bending down to where his CD's were leaning against each other along the shelf, leaning on figurines or books to keep them in place, Mason selected just a few from among them, even though expressions of admiration left his lips every few seconds as he found all the titles he couldn't wait to show Kai.

The smile with which he went through his own collection was something Kai had seen frequently from the moment those nights together had begun, but he couldn't know how hard it had been for the other people around Mason to see it in a long time. There he was now, and he actually looked so happy that even he couldn't believe the way he had gone from crying so often on the nights he was with him, to smiling so warmly and genuinely every time he walked through his door into the darkness at the end of the day. As the first notes of a song began, Mason felt his heart burn with a joy that made him want to cry, but out of a happiness he couldn't even explain to himself.

He too was looking at him with a smile as he waited for his choices, and he was really looking forward to hearing them, not only because of the curiosity of it, but because of everything they provoked in Mason. He wanted to feel that too, and to understand why for his partner they were cause for the brightest smiles he had ever seen. Mount returned to his side with certain albums, and then searched for a couple more pieces among the vinyls Kai had in front of him.

—All right, now let's sit down and listen to these. And you can't tell me you're going home early today, okay? 

—Okay —he nodded— but you're going to have to explain a lot, because I don't think I really know anything.

—About what, exactly?

—About music. About what it means and what it means to you. I can tell it means a lot.

Mason placed what was heavy in his arms on the tea table to return to Kai's side. He nodded, looking into his eyes, and though they were engaged in conversation, their voices couldn't measure what their bodies were feeling, because at that closeness, where they looked at each other and a step couldn't have been between them, the next move seemed like a story already written that they were both still resisting.

—Yes. Yes, they mean a lot, but I don't know if you have the patience to listen to too many somewhat irrelevant memories —he smiled.

—I don't need patience. I really care about you.

Kai smiled, a sparkle in his eyes that Mason felt completely unmistakable now, because if looking at someone like that didn't mean anything, if smiling like that didn't hide a feeling or feeling that electricity between their bodies wasn't a sign, then everything he knew about falling in love was meaningless. And of course he knew what he himself felt and the name his mind couldn't help but give it.

The younger boy was the first to pull away, after his cheeks began to turn a redder colour, though that didn't take the joy off his face as he sat on the couch in front of the television. Mason felt like he was about to ride a roller coaster, even if it was just doing the most irrelevant things he could think of: watching out of the corner of his eye the way Kai was looking out from his spot as he put one of the CD's in the player, then approaching him with those blue eyes looking straight into his own, being so close to his face as he sat down next to him and feeling chills as he heard the first notes of the music when the only thing on his mind was Kai's face.

And his hands. And his arms, And his hair, his body, his warmth, how close they were. And the wind outside speeding up the water droplets in the soft autumn drizzle, which somehow made it feel so much warmer inside where they both were. He swore that, had it been possible, he would have arranged a couple of blankets on that three-piece sofa, laid his body next to Kai's and spent the whole night cuddling him and listening to him breathe in his sleep, because that was what he really wanted.

What was possible, what he did at that moment, was to lay his head on the back of the couch and start talking about the song playing. He talked to Kai about the success of Tears for Fears in the eighties, and how

He told Kai about the success of Tears for Fears in the eighties, and how his father had met them at a concert in Bath in their early days, and had always been a big fan. He told him, as he put on another album, that the influences on the previous album were David Bowie and The Human League; he told him how his father and uncles had managed to get his grandmother to like both artists and so allow them to listen to music at a louder volume at home. He told him about David Bowie and how seeing him for the first time as a child, in the music video DVD's his father collected, got him as interested in music as his brother, and then he started begging his parents for a MP3 player where he could take his songs to practice. 

He went on to tell him about, as he had recounted at some point, the time when his father, at his age or a little younger, became a huge fan of The Cure and Joy Division, and dyed his hair the darkest black he could find, much to the terror of his grandmother. 

He told him that his father, despite being a big fan of music and always playing football, never really managed to be as punk as he wanted to be, and he wasn't a professional footballer either, but he did work for many years as a football coach and supported his family with that and other jobs. 

—In Portsmouth it's not very common to have jobs that aren't related to the harbour and the sea, but for him, football always came first, you know?

—What about music? —Kai asked, as he read from the album booklet the lyrics of the song that was playing at the time.

—Music was also very important. He never stopped loving it and I think he taught me and my brothers to love it too, just as he taught me about football. In fact, the album we're listening to is mine.

—Really?

—Yes. I bought it myself, when I was a kid. I remember I got money on my tenth birthday and I bought a couple of albums that I made them play in the car all the time, and this is one of those. I loved it; it's a compilation of this band's best singles. 

—I like them —he smiled— they're good, I wish I could listen to them again.

—Did you really like them? 

—Yes, I really do —he nodded— although I don't quite understand what they mean. 

—Well, I think they can mean a lot of things, but you don't always need to know what they really mean to like them. You can give them a meaning too. Sometimes the meaning is more about the memories you have about it.

—Do you think your father liked all those songs because he gave them meaning? —he asked, turning to look him in the eye. Mason paused for a few seconds before answering.

—Yeah... well, I guess we all do that sometimes. I guess the eighties and nineties were always his favourite time, because it reminded him of being a child and a teenager, and that was a time when he was very happy and free. 

—But... if you like their music, what do they remind you of?

—Me? Uh... good question —he smiled, changing the cheerful gesture to a slightly more thoughtful one as he looked at where the window was. 

He glanced at the album in Kai's hands again, and then at the rest that were underneath it before, remembering the way he had seen them before, and how long ago he had done so.

In his mind, those reminded him of the bookshelf in the living room of his first house, in Portsmouth, where he had lived for eleven years of his life. That white-edged mahogany bookshelf that his parents bought months after they got married, and on the side of which he and his brother used to put the stickers that came in cereal boxes, until his mother discovered them six months after they started doing it. In the middle of the main room of the house, with a huge television that at the time seemed like the biggest novelty he had ever seen, but the biggest attraction being that vinyl player on the left side, which filled the house with music in the evenings when his father came home from work and his mother had been home for a couple of hours. 

Food boiled on the cooker and the smell of those delicious dishes filled the whole downstairs; it called him to go eat, but chasing his brother between the armchairs was much more important. Food was one of those things that seemed like it would be there forever, that wouldn't leave his table, and could wait a little longer. Or at least until Dad was home. 

The front door would open after seven o'clock at night, when darkness covered the streets more and the wind was strong, enough to bring the occasional coastal breeze, but not too strong to cause them to catch a cold. Then dad would appear: he would put aside his suitcase and backpack so he could carry his children, one by one, with a smile that he swore could heal any heart, solve any problem and give them all the protection they could ever need in life. 

He would go to the kitchen, to where his mother was, and sit at the table: the whole family ate at the same time and the tea was on the cooker ready, on time. There were rarely quarrels or disagreements, but they were never caused by them, but by the economy, taxes and those things they didn't yet understand and didn't care to understand. What mattered was to finish the meal so they could have one of those scones with jam, and after that, go out to the backyard to play.

While from the emerald green sofas in the living room their parents watched, a distant voice sang between guitars of some hopeful future "heaven knows, it 's got to be this time" . The song was repeated every night, along with the whole repertoire that at the time he didn't pay attention to, but now he remembered better than his phone number.

Those nights were heaven on earth, but Mason was too young to realise it: running into the darkness, where the nearby bay could bring occasional drops so small that they didn't wet his clothes, but cooled his face from the eternal races he and his brothers organised on the grassy quadrangle occupied by no one but them and a small tea table, inherited from their grandparents. The grass, always green because of the rains, was his playground, to feel nature on the soles of his feet, the wind on his face, the stars above them and in his heart, the feeling that those nights and his fun would last forever. Nothing would ever have to change, and that was all he wanted in the world. 

That was all he could imagine at that age, and it was more than enough. He remembered the sensations, and there was nothing in them but joy and fulfilment. That was all.

—It's amazing —he smiled— I want to play some songs, I have to show you some of my favourite stuff, OK?

—But what about the question? —Kai laughed, watching the other stand up and grab the remote control for his television off the table. 

Mason plugged his phone into it, searching YouTube for one of his own playlists, which included over ten songs.

—I'm going to answer it, but I want you to listen to this. These are by New Order, I think they're amazing, but I especially like them because they remind me so much of my childhood. My father had one of their albums and would often listen to it in the evenings when he came home from work. 

As he began to play the first of the songs, Kai confirmed that he could see the lyrics on the screen, even though he was more interested in deciphering Mason's joy as the music began to fill the room. The older one returned to his side, a smile on his face as he looked up at him.

—Well, now, as for the question... I think this music reminds me of being a kid, but actually, it's not exactly being a kid that makes me fond of them. I think it's something bigger.

—And what is that? —he asked, smiling.

—They remind me of love for existing in this life —he admitted, looking at him firmly— I mean the moments when I've really felt happiness, peace... and when I've felt the happiest in life. And, I thought about it for a while and... I'd like to keep relating that music to that emotion.

Kai was silent for a few seconds, and the tension Mason had about whether he understood what he'd just said seemed to be palpable in the air they breathed, but he wasn't afraid of what the younger man was going to say; somehow, he felt he had nothing to be afraid of. 

Maybe it was the way he looked at him, maybe it was the smile on Kai's lips, or maybe it was just the nervousness he knew he also felt whenever they were silent and alone like that moment, when he could see the younger man's agitated breathing on his chest.

—So —Kai spoke—.... Do you feel that happy right now?

—Yes, very —he said, his breathing getting faster and faster—. And I wish you could feel that too.

—I feel that way too. I... I feel it too.

—Are you going to have a good memory of this?

— Yes, definitely. When I'm here with you, and in moments like this, actually... I feel happy, and moved, and I like this feeling. I wish I could feel like this all the time.

—Me too.

Their gazes connected in the darkness of the room, illuminated only by the moonlight through the window, cut by rain and wind, and the television screen, where the words slowly faded and gave way to the next video on the list. The music around them silenced their sanity and the adrenaline grew stronger and stronger, as more seconds passed in which those looks seemed to say everything their lips didn't, the silence of their words taking for granted that some things just weren't there explicitly, but they existed, and made their hearts beat relentlessly loud. Mason listened to the beginning he knew perfectly well and discreetly turned the music up two more notches. He glanced at the screen for a second, causing Kai to look at it as well. 

—This is my favourite. —He smiled, so sincerely that Kai knew how much it meant to him, as his lips silently followed the words on the screen.

Every time I think of you

I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue

And he had to know. Mason was sure that if Kai didn't understand what was going on, then he was never going to understand, but faith in it was part of the feeling that surrounded him whenever he was around the younger man; trust. He trusted him, but no longer just in his confidence, in his understanding, in his intentions; somehow, he felt he now knew. He trusted now in his feelings and that he was as much in love as he was.

But that's the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows

Well, every day my confusion grows

He trusted what that emotion-filled look meant, the shivers that made him want to kiss him as if this was the moment and he could never do it again, and the way his partner smiled when he looked up at the screen. He knew he was getting it, because the colour of his cheeks changed and the time he could hold his gaze diminished. 

—... say the words that I can't say —the younger boy repeated, quietly. He nodded, because of course he understood everything.

Mason laughed lightly, feeling a small surge of warmth on his face that made him look forward again.

—You needed to hear it —he said, leaning a little closer to where his partner sat. He swore he could have lost himself in that moment forever, in the tingle he felt at being close to him and the trance he was in when he felt Kai approaching as well, still leaning against the back of the couch.

Every time I see you falling

I get down on my knees and pray

I'm waiting for that final moment

You say the words that I can't say

He trusted that if he was feeling what he was feeling, and even if he wasn't, he wasn't going to hurt him, because that was all Kai had done since he'd come into his life; heal him, care for him, and allow him to feel what it was to love without fear again.

 Now, being so close to him, in his own home, in the middle of the night and showing him a part of himself that he had shared with so few people, he felt nothing but complete trust. He wanted to hold him, he wanted to kiss him, he wanted to be able to become one with him, because that calm he felt in his soul was balanced by the adrenaline rush he felt at the thought of feeling his lips, his heart beating against his, his whole body not to let go.

He was completely ready to give him everything he could trust in a person he loved, and he wasn't afraid, because if Kai wanted him too, then he knew he'd be safe. 

—I like the way your eyes sparkle when you're happy —Kai admitted, looking at him so close he could feel his breath centimetres away.

—I... Kai...

He didn't want to have to stop looking into his eyes, but he had to when a jolt startled them both by having Mason's phone suddenly light up in such a bright white that it made his partner blink a couple of times as he looked directly at it. His landlord's number on the screen had wiped all colour from his face; Mason hurried to pick it up to answer the call.

—Hello?

—Mount, have you seen the time? You know I don't like to get in trouble with you, but the neighbours are complaining. I've answered five calls already from Mr. Jones complaining about it.

It had to be Mr. Jones. Mason knew he'd probably prompted other neighbours on his floor to complain.  

—Uh, yeah, yeah. I'm, I'm sorry, Mr. Wright, excuse me... You mean...?

—The music, Mount. It's nearly two o'clock in the morning and I can hear your music all the way up to the first floor.

—Oh, yes! —Yes, yes, uh, sorry, that's right, no, I hadn't noticed it's a bit loud, I...

—A little? I've got calls from almost all the neighbours in the flat above me.

—Yes, uh, you, you’re right, Mr. Wright. I’m sorry.

—The rules of the building say that there must be no noise after midnight —he said, emphasising the word—. We've got enough noise with that shopping centre they're building next to the motorway, so please....

—Yeah, sure, I get it, I get it —he said, turning down the volume on the TV as he spoke—. Again, sorry, it won't happen again, Mr Wright.

—I hope so, Mount. I don't like trouble.

—I know, sir. I'm sorry, again. 

—Good night, Mount.

—Good night, Mr. Wright.

 He set his phone down on his lap again, turning off its screen to let the videos on the television play at a much lower volume. Kai was silent for a few seconds before asking.

—Uh... Was the music too loud?

—Oh, ah, yeah, don't worry, it's, it's just that the building rules are kind of strict and I had forgotten that you can't play loud music after a certain time.

—Oh, I see. He sounded a bit annoyed.

—He was, but that's normal —he smiled. —There's a neighbour who's always hated me a bit, so, well, that's why I'd talked to you about sometimes just wanting to move somewhere else soon. It could be something a bit quieter, I suppose?

—Yeah, I understand —he smiled—. You'd be very happy living in my home.

—In...?

—Uh, no, ah... —Havertz hurried, more embarrassed. He closed his eyes for a moment, while denying with a smile— I don't know why I said that like that, sorry... it's, it's kind of late, I think, now that you mention it. 

Mason smiled, but tried to put his feelings aside as he looked at the clock on the screen.

—Oh, yeah, that's right. You...?

—Yeah, I think I should go home now.

—Yeah, sure, you're right, it's a bit late and we've got an important game —he said, getting up. His partner got up as well, grabbing his hoodie to follow Mason out the door.

—Yeah, well, I'd like to stay longer, it's just, well... I don't want to intrude too much, like I always do —he smiled.

—No, no. That was my fault, sorry about that. You know it's always nice to have you here and... well, actually, you know you can stay too, right? You can sleep over if you want, there's my bed and I can sleep on the couch, it's very comfortable.

—I know. Thanks, Mase, I really appreciate it, though... I think I'd better go home today. 

—Oh, well. Yeah, it's fine, don't worry about it. I understand —he smiled, making the taller one smile too in that exchange of glances.

—Although I could sleep over next time —he hurried—. I mean, after the game at the weekend I think, I think I could do that. I really like spending time with you.

—We can be more discreet next time —he joked, making Kai's cheeks change colour—. I mean, I mean...

—Yeah, yeah. Of course —he nodded, not letting him continue, but sealing a kind of complicity between the two of them that made Mason's heart want to burst out of his chest—. Hey, and... I really liked the songs you showed me today, really, thank you. I really wish I could listen to them again, especially the last ones.

—Yeah, well, I think we got halfway through something —he said, sighing as he looked at him again—. But, well, don't worry, I can send you the playlist or... hey, I can bring you a couple of albums tomorrow.

—Oh, no, no, no, don't worry, it's not necessary, we can write them down later, your, your albums are very well taken care of.

—Come on, it's nothing, really.

—No, no, no, it's really not necessary.

—Kai —he paused, placing a hand on his chest. That had made Havertz keep quiet as well—. Really, it's nothing. I'll just bring a pair tomorrow. 

—Mase...

—I will —he smiled—. Hey, and... thanks for listening to them with me today. They really mean a lot to me.

—I know. Thanks for showing them to me, too. It's really something I appreciate and... I'm glad you shared it with me, I know it's something very special. I'm glad I have that privilege.

—You do... —he said, hugging him goodbye with a embrace that tried to be as friendly as he could make it. They still couldn't help but linger in this one for a little longer than they should have, though they tried to disguise it by pulling a little further apart once Kai had stepped through the door and Mason was watching him from the doorframe— Hey, you know what would be nice?

—What?

—If you could show me the songs you like. Seriously, I'd be interested in hearing them.

—Well, I'm not really very good at it—he scratched the back of his neck softly— but I'll give it a try, okay? I'll try to explore more of the British music side as well.

—I think it's a very good idea. I hope next time you'll come with some of your favourites.

—I will... Good night, Mase —he smiled, hesitantly, before starting to walk away from the flat door.

—Goodnight, Kai —he couldn't help but look at him in an involuntarily amused manner as he watched him move further and further away from him. 

 Paying attention to his back, to his face, when after a few steps he had turned to see him again, to his hair, which he loved to have close by; those short, beautiful wavy locks that fell over his forehead in a carefree way in the evenings, as opposed to the days. And he liked that, and the truth was that he wished he could see it a lot more, the rest of the night, and every night. As the figure of his teammate disappeared down the stairs at the bottom of the corridor, he couldn't help but think in his own mind the words he wanted to say to him.

I'll miss you at night, Kai. I wish you were mine to have and hold. He thought, as he closed the door.

And he didn't know if it was his own mind's desire, how much he thought about him, or if it was a sign from the universe, but he swore he could hear Kai's voice answering him.

I wish that too.

Chapter Text

The weekend had passed so quickly that, for Mason, it had felt like those rushed days when he barely had time to sleep and spent most of the day in a semi-automatic state. 

All of this, of course, only off the pitch and not on it.

Because the match against Manchester City had been impressive for everyone, to say the least. The headlines in sports newspapers across the UK ended up focusing on a game that, at the start of the season, had seemed one of the most predictable for the betting, and yet had managed to break the odds: although most were aware of the fortunate run of victories that had brought Chelsea so close to qualifying for European competition last season, the team's late-season collapse had made them an unlikely prospect in the eyes of most fans.

While results had swung much more towards points in the last few rounds, to those who had not actually watched the games, it seemed a matter of luck. On the other hand, Manchester City had been on an almost unblemished run since the start of the season, retaining top spot in the table, only two defeats and no draws in almost three months of competition: there was no doubt who the odds favoured, and yet the game had ended in a massive 3-0 win for the London locals, even discounting a disallowed goal that would have made it four goals to the royal blue side.

The visitors had been completely shut out by the defence and a solid midfield, while Chelsea's attacking trident managed to execute to perfection the moves needed to seal the outcome of a game that, to the surprise even of their own manager, they had in the pocket and in possession percentage from the first half.

Thomas Tuchel greeted his players as they left the pitch as if they had won a World Cup, and no wonder, because they knew what it meant for the team's credibility, but also for, thanks to the results of the other teams on the day, moving up to fifth in the table. The German man lifted Mason into his arms, who despite the difficulties he had had falling asleep the night before, had that night provided the assists for three of the night's four goals in total.

-Mason! Mason, I knew it! -he said, with a couple of less careful taps than Mount would have wished in his head- I knew I could trust you!

-And you can keep on trusting me, boss! -he smiled, now shaking his hand.

-I knew you wouldn't let me down Mason, you're a star.

With a couple of slaps on his back, he pulled the younger man aside, to continue with the rest of his players. He had no idea how much those words meant to Mount, but he knew, like the rest of the team, that Mason certainly deserved them. He, too, continued on his way, celebrating with some of his teammates on the way to the locker room, among them the effusive embrace with which Kai Havertz wrapped his arms around him.

He couldn't lie, after the last thing that had happened in his flat, after Kai's last words and that damn romantic feeling that had been built up that night, the casual interactions they'd had during pre-match training and earlier in the day had left him feeling like a downpour in the desert. It was disconcerting, and adding to it the few hours of sleep, to have welcomed Kai into a most passionate and affectionate embrace in the middle of the pitch and in front of thousands of people had felt strangely disconcerting.

He wouldn't complain about it, that was for sure: the smile on his face couldn't be hidden as he returned to the dressing room with Havertz thanking him and complimenting him on the skills he had demonstrated on the pitch that night.

-And that fucking cross on the second goal... Damn, Mase, I think that's seriously the best cross I've seen from you since I've known you!

-Oh, come on, I'm not that bad, Kai -he smiled. His teammate had his left arm around his shoulders as the two of them walked down the tunnel towards the locker room, and Mason was sure it was the most time they'd ever been together in front of everyone on the team, though given the joy in the air, it didn't seem at all unusual.- Plus, hey, the way you were able to push the ball between those two defenders when you were facing away from me?

-Well, that was because of my big head, I think -he joked, breaking away from him once they were in the locker room area-. No, but seriously, I think that was honestly a very, very strange coincidence, because I don't know how I knew you were going to be there, but I just knew.

-I was surprised that you did, considering I didn't have time to shout for you to receive the centre.

-I thought you did, I thought I heard your voice.

-Oh. Well, I'm sure it was one of the other guys, and if so, well, those are some reflexes.

Kai downplayed the compliment with a smile, as he grabbed some deodorant and another t-shirt from his travel bag. The afternoon had not been kind to the teams, as the rains that had been lashing the country's nights for a couple of days now caused small drizzles during sunset like the one that afternoon: so now he had to focus all his efforts on keeping his eyes on his partner's face as he changed his clothes in front of him like it was no big deal. As if a couple of days ago they hadn't been on the verge of kissing while Bizarre Love Triangle played in the background.

-Yeah, somehow I felt I had to turn right where you were. We should plan a celebration next time.

-Yeah, sure, we should -he smiled- Hey, speaking of celebration, are you going to Kepa's party tomorrow?

-Huh? Is it tomorrow?

-Yeah. I told you Saturday, if I remember correctly, -he smiled.

-Oh. I don't remember...

-Yes. You even told me you would get home with some of the other boys. Don't you remember?

-I said that?

-Yes, -he replied, though deep inside, the thought that maybe Kai didn't want him to mention what they'd talked about in private, made that happiness fade from his face-. Well, forget it, maybe you were sleepy.

-Uh, right... I think he had sent me the invitation, but I don't check my social media much, so... -he said, picking up his phone to corroborate. Mason waited, as the rest of his teammates approached as well, including the goalie.- Oh, I see.

-Yeah, so... Are you going?

-No, I don't think so. I wasn't planning on it, and I've got some things to do the next day.

-Oh, shoot... -That was the only quick answer he could give him.

And the truth was that he was disappointed about it; on the occasions when he had mentioned the party during their nightly conversations, Kai had always seemed almost certainly willing to go, so he hadn't expected at all that Havertz wouldn't even be aware of the day the party was to be held. Much less that he seemed so indifferent on the question of whether or not to attend when they had both mentioned a couple of times during the evenings about seeing each other there. It wasn't comfortable how much that made him feel as if he cared a lot more about seeing Havertz than his teammate cared about seeing him.

- Well, the next day's training will be late, so you don't have to worry about that.

-Yeah, well, that's true -he admitted, as he pulled off his rain-damp socks- but it's a bit impractical to have a big party in the middle of the week. I must go to HMRC with my agent the next day, so I wouldn't want to miss my appointment. I don't think I'll be able to make it.

-Oh, come on, Kai! -said Kepa, who had overheard their conversation from a couple of places and was approaching them- I don't live too far from here, it'll be like going to training... at night.

Havertz smiled at the comment.

-I appreciate it, I really do -he thanked cordially- but our agent had to arrange several things to get appointments for our business on such short notice.

-Oh, don't tell me Timo won't be there either...

-I don't think he will -Kai grimaced resignedly at the mention of it-. We'll get special attention a bit before opening time, so we'll have to be there quite early.

-Fucking HMRC -Kepa resigned himself, looking sympathetic, but optimistic nonetheless-. All right, don't worry, Kai. It's a shame, though if training ends early, it'd be nice to see them there for a while at least, my girlfriend hired the best caterer, so they could at least try the food.

-Sure, yeah -he smiled, high-fiving his teammate- Well, I hope the training ends early then.

-Excellent. I'll tell Timo the same thing -he said, patting his back.

Havertz returned a friendly gesture as he waved goodbye to the Spaniard. Mason was still two seats away from him, looking discreetly in his direction and pretending to be more interested in replacing his football boots with a more casual pair of running shoes.

-So, I won't see you there tomorrow?

-No, no.

-I see. Hey, what about today?

-Huh? 

-Today. I'll see you today?

-I don't understand, Mase -he smiled kindly- What do you mean?

-Well, I mean... -He took a breath. His mind was spinning at the thought, but it was necessary to take the risk-. You know, we could go out somewhere or... or not.

-What do you mean by that?

-You know. Have some tea, or coffee and biscuits. We can even have a drink if you want, I haven't had an alcoholic drink in months, seriously.

-Oh, well...

-Are you serious, Mase? -interrupted Reece, who had joined the conversation by sitting next to Mason- You haven't had a drink in months?

-Oh, yes -he replied gently- it's nothing uncommon. It's true that I haven't had a proper drink for months. I had a beer with a friend a while ago, but that's all.

-Like... Drinking for fun? -Kai asked.

-Yeah, exactly. I mean, like before, I guess.

-Hey, we should fix that -said Jorginho, sitting across from the two of them-. How long has it been since you've had fun outside?

-Eh... -Mount felt slightly embarrassed by the sudden way he was now getting attention from several of his mates now, when he only intended to have a conversation with one of them -Well, I mean, I've had fun, and I've been out a couple of times, you know. I just haven't been out drinking.

-Hey, bro, if it's friends to hang out with that you need...

-Mason said he's kind of in the mood for some drinks today, didn't he, Kai? -Reece asked.

The man, who had been silent during the brief exchange, didn't seem so sure about giving an answer. He was sure Mason wasn't contemplating more than two people when he brought that up.

-I think...

-Hey, so what, is there a plan tonight? -Trevoh suddenly said as well.

-Hey, hey, take it easy, kids -interrupted Thiago, who was walking across the hall to his spot in the locker room-. Are you taking into consideration if Mason's in the mood to go?

-That's up to Mason -said Jorginho, with a teasing smile.

-Okay, but we're not going to take Mason for granted. If we're going out, I think we can all pay for his drinks.

-Hey, guys, it's not necessary, don't worry....

But actually, the rest seemed to have decided before him that it was necessary, or at least deserved, for they had given little heed to his words and, on the contrary, encouraged him in the most heartfelt way to agree to the plan they were proposing. Wishing not to be rude to his companions, he had little say in the plan the boys had for him: perhaps it was the well meaning look Trevoh always gave him, or maybe the excitement with which Jorginho and Reece were suggesting places for them to go. It could even be that he was getting carried away by the amused look Kai was having at his companions' attentions to Mount, but in the end he hadn't been able to say no once the others agreed on a specific time, a place to go for drinks and a club in which to end the night.

If he was feeling overwhelmed, his mind certainly had a way of feeling calmer, when he turned his eyes to Kai and, amidst all the commotion, he could see him interested and smiling in a playful way that he recognised from all the times he'd seen that face lately. Sometimes it all seemed like a game to Kai most of the time, as if he didn't really have a clue, and he liked that about him.

Havertz couldn't say no to the plan either. Reece had already picked out a classic downtown pub where he swore they served the best drinks, Christian guaranteed them that the club they were going to belonged to an American friend and had the best atmosphere and VIP spots, and even though girlfriends weren't invited, it wouldn't be necessary; it would just be a guys' night out, where besides, Mason wouldn't have to pay a penny.

-So, clearly, I couldn't say no.

-Oh, of course you could.

-Do you know how rude it was going to sound if I did that? They were all there, man! They literally surrounded me and started making plans. Plus, Thiago was there and he's like a huge Golden Retriever that you can't say no to.

-That's the moment when you're supposed to be assertive and tell them you'd rather stay home because you're not in that mood.

-Sure, when a few seconds earlier I was asking Kai Havertz out. It's just that I'm in the mood to go out, you know? But with him, with him specifically.

-Oh, my God. So you were asking him out at the time.

-Yeah! Yeah, actually, that's the root of all this, that's what I was doing. Or trying to do -he sighed, dropping his back onto the couch.

That caught the attention of Ben, who had been typing at full speed on his computer keyboard for a while now. He looked at him sympathetically, shaking his head.

-It sounds like it was a terrible time to ask him out.

-That wasn't my fault.

-Hey, I didn't say it was! Easy, easy, hell. I'm just saying it was a bad coincidence. But, look, if we're looking on the bright side, you're certainly going out with him.

-I don't know if I could say that he looked eager to agree to the idea. When I asked him if he'd like to go out with me, he gave me a look like I'd asked him if he was an alien -he reflected, his gaze lost somewhere on the wall in front of him. Ben's office had an imitation of a painting he was quite fond of, and which was also part of the cover of one of his favourite albums.

-And yet, for some reason, he still accepts the idea of coming to your house every night and staying there until the wee hours of the morning? Kai really is strange.

-I mean, it wasn't a particularly rude look, just... just puzzled.  

I guess he felt like I was pressuring him with the others around him accept.

-But you weren't doing that, were you?

-Maybe he felt that way. No, of course I wasn't doing that, I literally just wanted to get up the nerve to ask him out for fuck's sake.

-I understand that you probably didn't expect that to be difficult after what you told us happened last time at your house. Actually, I think in your situation I probably would have tried the same thing.

-Exactly! I was hoping he'd say yes and be all set, but then the others showed up and... I'm not mad at them, clearly, I just had other plans.

-Hey, but, first of all, do you know where the hell you two would have gone to?

-Uh... I'm on it.

Ben stopped typing and looked at his computer screen for a moment only to give him an incredulous look.

-Bro, what were you going to do if he would have said yes?!

-I don't know, I don't know, I don't even know if he would have said yes at that moment. Something just felt weird to me, really.

-Honestly -Ben replied, going back to work on his laptop- I think that was your anxiety trying to sabotage it.

-Hey!

-It's an opinion.

-Hey, I think I would have preferred a session with Jack, huh? Where is he?

-He asked for a day off. Besides, in theory, I'm your therapist, so this is like a session. The session we never had.

-I literally came to sit and chat with you for an hour like I don't have to get ready to go out in a couple of hours. 

-You're getting ready mentally, clothes are the least of your worries.

-I don't know, I really have no idea what I should wear. Besides, Kai's going to be there. It sounds ridiculous, but... I'd like to look good: he'll be there and... God, this sounds so stupid, but, well, I mean, I'd like to look good and for him to notice. When I'm at home with him I just wear my normal clothes, but today I really... want to make a move.

Ben had to quickly remove from his face the expression with which he reacted to that confession. The raised eyebrow and surprise was hidden in a soft nod of his head, glancing quickly at his computer screen, even if he wasn't typing anything else.

-Yeah, right, I mean, it's nothing stupid, don't say that, Mase! It's obvious that you ought to want to look good, I mean, do you want... help?

And truth was, Mason did want help, but he'd never asked for help for anything like that. He had never been the best at asking for help, in any aspect, but now that he had learned to do so in matters as difficult as the ones he was experiencing, learning to ask for help on simpler things was still an unfinished business.

Why, why couldn't he ask Ben to help him pick out a simple outfit? Somehow it was embarrassing, and he wondered then why it was so hard to say he didn't know how to do everything, even things that sounded as simple as dressing better.

-Yes. Yes, Ben, I'd like some help.

His best friend smiled in the most understated way, still not taking his eyes off his computer screen.

Ben understood that maybe it wasn't easy for Mason to say that, because he hadn't done it before, and so maybe it was a better option to change the subject of the conversation, so he did. And then they started talking about the girl Ben had gone on a date with the previous weekend, about how the sushi they had eaten together had made her sick almost immediately, and then they could laugh as they recounted their friend's terrible luck with dating. Soon the topic turned to the holiday Ben was planning for the new year, as Boxing Day would prevent him from visiting his parents over Christmas. Mason hoped that his family would be settled in London by December, though he wasn't sure how fast the whole moving process would go: he didn't mention anything about it and decided to give his mind a rest by putting the thought out of his mind for a while. He preferred to concentrate on the conversation, then on helping Ben sort through some of the documents he had just printed out, and then on leaving far enough apart to pretend not to know each other until they reached Ben's car.

There, they drove leisurely through the city to one of the malls near Mason's flat, where Ben had to force his best friend into one of his favourite clothing shops, despite Mason's insistence for them not turn the it into a shopping spree. Ben had offered to pay from the start, and although Mason hadn't agreed, after trying on some clothes and checking that the result in the mirror really did make him look good, he'd been too distracted to notice when Ben had taken his card out of his pocket and paid for the clothes.

It was shocking to himself to realise how much his image could be changed by changing something as superficial as his clothes. The clothes Ben had chosen for him were certainly different from what he was used to wearing, they were a bit more flamboyant and something he might not have chosen himself at the thought of perhaps attracting the odd glance, but , with honesty, he was looking for the exact opposite that night. Kai had seen him at that point in his pajamas even, and he knew that if he was already attracted to him, then it wouldn't make a difference what he wore: the point was that he wasn't simply looking to be attractive to him, but to look attractive enough to maybe make him approach him like he did at night in his flat even if they were in a different environment than they usually were when they were alone.

And he thought maybe he could do that now, or at least he felt much more confident to try. Seeing himself in the mirror looking frankly good made him feel confident, made him smile, and he had to admit that his face looked much better when he smiled. They had spent a long part of the afternoon there, and if he had entered that shop with a look of despair, every time he had left the fitting room it had been transformed by the proud face of his best friend and by his own reflection, which eventually made him agree with Chilwell.

-You're ready. For today and for the party -Ben concluded, one of his index fingers covering the satisfied smile on his lips.

-I... I think I am. I think I am. Huh?

-It is what it is, brother.

-Yeah... awesome -he admitted, looking in the large mirro at the way a pair of high-waisted trousers he probably wouldn't have picked out on his own made a great fit with his t-shirt and a oversized shirt Ben had picked out.

-You just needed a push. Looks like you're not ugly after all -he joked.

Mason reached over to give him a little tap on the shoulder, though after that a high five of his hands sealed another outfit they both agreed on, though it had taken little to put three of those together.

They set off for the flat about three hours before the time the rest of the boys had agreed to meet at a certain location somewhat opposite his residence, but he knew exactly how to get there. He had little time to talk to Ben and thank him for all the kindness he had shown him that evening, for he knew his friend had things to do at home as well, so by seven o'clock that evening, when he was due to leave for the place where he was to meet his teammates, he was alone in front of his reflection after a shower.

At times he could remember how difficult it was just a few months ago to be in that place, to look at himself and recognise in his gaze the suffering that invaded every part of his mind. How horrifying it was to dwell on his own thoughts and process all the pain he felt inside himself, the rage he felt for not being able to change things and the desire for a glimmer of hope that could give him some aim for a future he didn't feel like living in.

And when those memories came to his mind, they didn't seem as frightening as before. Somehow, there was a sense that the worst that could happen had already happened; that in the present, his fears had solutions that he was working on, and so he could calm down for a moment and think that it wasn't all that bad. He wanted to trust it, and something told him he could, so he saw a smile in the mirror.

With some of the clothes Ben had selected on him he sent a photo to his best friends before leaving the house and began the walk to his transport, which didn't take him much more than a less than half an hour's journey, counted down by one of his favourite albums playing in his headphones, to get to his destination.

He walked a short distance from the station to the site, where a couple of his teammates were already waiting for him,

He walked a short distance from the station to the bar, where a couple of his teammates were already waiting for him, and were greeted with discretion and exclusivity as they entered the place, since the rest of his teammates were already occupying a large table inside with modest lighting at the back of the establishment.

Kai had sat in the space between his teammates almost opposite him, and although they weren't exactly opposite sides of the table, it was really hard for Mason to pretend that he wasn't looking right at him. And he prayed that the rest of those present couldn't notice how he constantly took his eyes off Havertz and then, without noticing, back on him, as if drawn by a magnet. In the state he was in after two cocktails ordered by Reece, he was surprised at how quickly he perceived that he was beginning to lose perfect control of his thoughts and command of his actions, because now he had to think things through before he did them, like actually concentrating on the conversation the others were having and not just analysing and wondering what was going on in Kai's mind.

So he tried to do that: he decided to let himself go with the mood they shared; one that wouldn't allow him to worry too much about what was going on with his feelings and his mind, just relax and enjoy a night like the ones he hadn't had for too long now. They drank some more, because Reece and Andreas knew themselves well and knew just what they needed to feel a little tipsy, but for the rest it was more of an experiment.

He still felt most of his senses alert, just enough to make everything around him feel funny, while the other boys seemed a little less sober than he did, though that only added to how cheerful they were. That seemed like a good sign to ask for the bill and also to order a couple of taxis that would transport them without any trouble to the club where his mates had booked that night. While he was trying to divert his attention distracting himself with the others, he noticed Kai hurrying to leave behind his teammates still finishing his drink.

He noticed that he wasn't as outgoing as the others, though he knew that already. He noticed how he behaved exactly as he did in training with his teammates, no different, how he participated in the chatter without revealing too much about himself, though he already knew a lot more than the others did. Reserved, as always. Mysterious, yet always pretending that nothing was going on. Surely there could be millions of people in the world much easier to understand than Kai, and yet he didn't want anyone else. Not for a second would he have changed things.

The place they arrived at after that short taxi ride was a nightclub Mason had already heard of: it was notorious for its affluence of international visitors and for being on the fourth floor of a striking building near the city centre, though he'd never been there himself. A brief check-in at the entrance, a quick trip in the elevator, and they were passing through huge metallic-coloured doors, which inside reflected the bluish and reddish-coloured lights, moving frantically to the rhythm of the music. A friend of Christian's guided them through the crowds of people filling the dance floors to one of the platforms that formed a sort of upper level, with more privacy than the one below.

There they could take a seat, order something to drink and, after a few minutes, feel ready for some of them to get up and dance.

Havertz had said he wasn't a big fan of drinking, though he was now sipping steadily as he struggled to understand the conversations of his peers who weren't already on their feet dancing to the loud music. Perhaps he drank out of inertia, possibly even without realising it. Since the pub he hadn't ordered a really strong drink, he was being moderate, and he knew why: Kai had told him before that he'd never learnt to drink, not even after moving to the city, and Mason wondered if moderation now had something to do with not wanting to do something improper in front of all his teammates.

I would expect you to. Why don't you do it now'' that's a question I know the answer to, but I'm wondering now; why don't we walk away, why don't we walk away together and then dare to do something improper?

God, what the fuck are you thinking, Mason?

He shook his head slightly, then averted his gaze to another spot, which happened to be the couches to his right, where girls and lads, along with a couple of his teammates, were dancing under the spotlights. He rose for a moment from his spot, almost without pausing to think about it, and murmured to Trevoh that he was going to head for the toilet, though he hadn't perfectly calculated how dazed he would feel as he got up and walked among the bodies of so many people moving on either side of him. He felt the music ringing in his ears and the lights were confusing his eyes at times, but he finally managed to slip through to that dark faux-marble door under a glowing sign indicating the entrance to the toilets.

He could barely see himself for a couple of seconds in the mirrors that sat between the division of the men's, women's and gender mixed toilets: even in the dim lighting he could tell he was definitely drunk and it was probably noticeable, or at least that's what his mind was telling him. He didn't even really feel like going to the toilet, but he did it anyway, because maybe then he could relax and make it a little less noticeable that he hadn't had a night like that in a long time, but the way he had had to hold on to the wall after closing his eyes for a few seconds told him that maybe it was a little more difficult than he expected.

After a few seconds inside the cubicle, he returned as steadily as he could fake to the area where the washbasins were located. He looked at himself again in the reflection after refreshing with what little water his hands could hold, and certainly the light and the water didn't do him any favours together, but besides that, it was also true that the effects of those fancy, strong cocktails on his body hadn't worn off much.

-You're drunk -he heard, followed by a mischievous laugh from beside him.

-Huh?

He looked up only to find brown eyes, thick and curly eyelashes staring at him with a humorous smile.

-I said you're drunk, aren't you?

-Uh, yeah... well, kind of. Not much, just a little...

-It doesn't look like it -she smiled- Hey, don't you play for Chelsea?

-Oh, well... -Was there any point in pretending otherwise? He wasn't in the best shape to think it through - Uh, yeah...

-My dad's a fan, but don't worry, I won't say anything -she said cheerfully-. And I think you need a little help -she said as she approached him.

Mason let her handle it, because he didn't really have much to do about it. Pushing aside her hair first, she cupped the side of his face gently with one of her hands, to make him look at her even though it was hard for his eyes to focus; she opened the coquettish heart shaped bag she was carrying and from it she pulled out a wet wipe, with which she carefully wiped his face. He wasn't sure what she put on his face, but it had a jasmine-like fragrance that was definitely a better scent than the sweat on his forehead. He opened his eyes to watch her apply what appeared to be a bit of liquid makeup to the skin of his cheeks. If Erin wore makeup maybe he would have been able to make some comment about it to stir up some conversation, but instead, he stayed silent, his eyes closed as she let a spray settle on his face and waved her hand to dry it off as she held his chin.

-You're ready. Much better.

-Really? -he said, and opened his eyes to look at himself in the mirror.

It was true, even though he only felt a little drunker each time, his face didn't look so bad now. I wish I knew how to do this so Kai could see me like this. I wish I could get ready for him. That went through his mind, not even surprising him anymore.

-You're welcome, Mount. That's your name, isn't it?

-Yeah, well... Mason. Mason Mount.

-Mason -she repeated, before extending her hand as she introduced herself-. Aisha. Nice to meet you.

-Yeah, nice to meet you, too -he murmured, shaking her hand more awkwardly than he would have liked.

-I've seen your friends out there. Do you want to go dancing?

Is Kai going to see that? Maybe he shouldn't... Shit, it's not like we're a couple. It's not like I even know how he feels about me. It's not like Kai's gonna do anything about it, anyway... Or would he? Would he... do it?

-Yeah. Yeah, right.

-Cool -she said, taking his arm to lead him out of the restrooms and onto the dance floor, where people were crowding practically from the door they'd just exited.

Oddly enough, by the time they made it to the table where Aisha's group of friends were sitting, some of her friends were already dancing with a couple of their mates; Trevoh and Christian probably knew that there would be no problem with staying next to their table, considering that theirs was quite close, only distanced by the elevation of the platform it was on.

He looked over, and Mason could still see Kai, who was sitting there chatting, holding a small cup in his hand, with Marcos Alonso and Thiago Silva. He tried, but he didn't manage to lock eyes with him, who rather seemed to be much more entertained in his conversation with his other teammates: he had no intention of bothering much more, because something in his ego and the impulse caused by his drunkenness told him that he shouldn't do it, so he stopped looking at him and returned his sight to Aisha, who held his arm and pulled him to where his other teammates and her friends were dancing together.

Doubt made him pause with impulsivity, and he felt within himself a great desire to go up there, joke and pretend to criticise his boredom as an excuse to lure his other teammates onto the dance floor, and that as an excuse to eventually separate Kai from the rest and dance with him as if it was all a coincidence that the two of them could secretly enjoy through complicit glances.

But it was a crazy idea. Maybe too bold, maybe too soon. You're not going to do it, are you?

No, probably not, because Kai looked at other spots without much interest and when his eyes fell on him they left with the same speed at which they arrived. He recognised then that maybe it was a bit pointless. Because maybe he just had to let things flow. Why would his first time going out at night after so long had to be about Kai?

Right. Fuckin' hell. Just dance a little, Mason. He felt again that thrill that was sometimes the best way to comfort himself: remembering that, if things didn't go his way, there was nothing more to it than that. There was nothing wrong happening, there was nothing more to fear, there was nothing more to hope for. Sometimes he just had to let it go.

So he concentrated on the music echoing in his ears. And between the feeling that the alcohol had already triggered in his mind, it wasn't so hard to start feeling his body relax, closing his eyes as he moved following the music and the noise of the people around him. Hearing then the voice of Aisha and some of her friends enjoying the night, as well as his teammates, who from time to time passed arms over his shoulders and conveyed to him in every smile that they were really happy to see him there, and to be with him, and then he remembered that that was what he had gone there for. To have fun and hang out with his friends like he did before everything.

It was just after midnight when his body began to feel tired.

He had glanced carefully enough a couple of times at the large windows of the place that looked out over the city landscape, and had already noticed that although the atmosphere inside was still at its best, it was pouring rain outside, and that made him worry about going home, because although Andreas had offered to drive him to his flat, his social battery had already run out, while Christensen was clearly still enjoying himself with the rest of his teammates.

He knew he didn't want to spoil the fun, and he didn't want to interrupt the great time the others were having, but he was also aware that staying there until Christensen felt like going home would probably mean waiting at least two more hours, and although his body felt in perfect shape now that he had sweated out the alcohol out, his mind already resented socialising after all those months in which he hadn't been out of his apartment after eleven o'clock.

Some of the girls were now chatting with Marcos and Kai, including some of the friends of the girl he'd been chatting and dancing on the dance floor with until recently. How ironic, he thought . He looked at his phone and the notification popping up at the top of his screen brought it back to his mind that there was an important date on his calendar the next day, one for which he would also need to take a large part of his night.

He had to get to sleep soon if he wanted to be responsible, so he went over to where his teammates were to say goodbye to them before he could leave. He convinced Andreas that he didn't need to take him, although his teammate had insisted that it was no problem to leave before the rest, but Thiago had been very helpful in getting out of it when the older man offered to be the one to take Mason home, as he too had to get home early, having told his wife he would be home early.

So Christensen agreed to stay with the rest. They went up to the table where they were at the beginning, where Thiago had left a couple of things, and took the opportunity to also say goodbye to those who were there. Kai had not said goodbye to him in any special way, he knew that he always behaved like everyone else and the truth was that he did not expect much more than the hand gesture and the friendly smile that Havertz offered him, but he did not expect that, when he said goodbye to Aisha, she would remind him that they had not exchanged phone numbers yet. He smiled, because it was a pleasant surprise that he couldn't help but be flattered by, and he wasn't going to lie about the fact that Aisha was a beautiful, kind girl who had helped him forget the mixed feelings that moments like that made him feel about Kai.

Still in Thiago's car, he traced with the thumb of his hand the lipstick mark the girl had left on his cheek when she kissed him goodbye, and he didn't necessarily want to erase it. It made him feel both guilt and pride at the way that had felt in view of Havertz's disinterest.

Silva hadn't been drinking alcohol, his wife didn't like it, so even though Mason was still feeling somewhat under the influence of it, the conversation with his teammate during the ride was quite relaxed. He was a great guy, and while it wasn't as if they spoke on a frequent basis, the two had things in common like therapy and an unexpected sense of kindness for each other. Mason knew that when they had the opportunity for a slightly longer talk, Thiago had no qualms about sharing with him about his life and his feelings, as if it was no big deal. Usually, he felt the same way about him.

-... exactly, and, well, I think it's been a weekend full of good news.

-Good news -Thiago repeated-. Speaking of good news, Mason. That lady at the club... she's pretty, she's very pretty. Be nice to her.

-Huh?

-You know. The girl you were dancing with at the club -he smiled-. The girl in the blue dress.

-Oh... yeah, uh, Aisha. She's... yeah, yeah, she's pretty.

-I see your smile, you don't hide it very good. I just want to say that you must be nice to her, treat her well, don't do bad things -he said with a sympathetic tone.Mason couldn't hold back a small laugh, which surprised his companion. Silva took it with humour, anyway-. Hey, I'm serious!

-Yeah, yeah, I know, and it's true... I promise, if we go on a date someday, I'll treat her right.

-I saw she gave you her phone number. Are you going to call her?

-Uh... Well, I don't know. No, I don't know, I doubt it, actually...

-Hey, why do you doubt it?

-Oh, well... it's, it's kind of complicated, uh... Well, Aisha's nice, she's very nice and I did like her a lot, but at this point in time. Well, there's another person that's... that's the one in my mind, actually.

-Oh, busy heart.

-Well, yeah, something like that... You know? Actually, I'm not so sure, it's very confusing.

-So that's why you wanted to dance with another girl tonight? 

-Mate, believe me, I didn't expect it to come out like that, but... It's so weird, and sometimes even I don't really understand it -he sighed.

-Huh, okay -he nodded calmly. It felt for a moment like he wasn't going to dig into it, and Mason was grateful for that. Thiago gave him a cheerful nod- So... I hope things work out with the person that has your heart busy.

He smiled.

-I hope so too...

His teammate allowed a few seconds of silence before daring to ask.

-Is everything all right? With, with this other girl you refer to?

-Ah... I'm not really sure what's going to happen on that subject. I mean, I know how I feel, I'm pretty sure we're attracted to each other, and...

- "Almost"?

-Exactly. "Almost."

-Well, you should put an end to the doubt. It's always better to know the truth.

Thiago had the most serene look he knew, even more so than his captain, Azpilicueta. Plus, there was something special about his habits that made Silva have the comfort to do things like hug him out of the blue, as if he'd known him all his life and it was a regular thing. Mason still wasn't used to how physically affectionate his Brazilian teammates could be, but as they waited at the last traffic light before reaching the street where he lived, he agreed to hug Thiago tightly.

It was at that moment that he felt the confidence to ask:

-Hey -he called his attention, soon meeting his dark eyes- Have you ever felt that you are so satisfied with something wrong that you would rather not do the right thing, as long as things don't change? That it feels so right that you're afraid to do the right thing because then it might all be over?

Silva hesitated, probably processing his words.

-So... Does the situation feel good or bad? -he asked, confused in a way that seemed rather innocent.

-It feels right, it feels right the way it is, but at the same time... you know it can't stay like this forever, it's not right.

-So it doesn't feel right, does it? You are exchanging the pain you would go through one time for a pain that is smaller, but daily.

He thought about those words, and they really resonated inside him. Although for a few seconds the tears in his eyes wanted to blur the lights in the night, something inside him did not want to cry, and on the contrary, he calmly agreed with the man next to him. Somehow, it seemed much more soothing to find words to the thoughts in his mind.

-You're right -he admitted, albeit reluctantly-. Yes, you're right.

-The question is, what is more worth it?

He didn't really know what he should answer. His silence on that question probably revealed more than his voice could ever explain, for he was not the most adept at formulating an honest response and did not wish to do so in that state, though he kept repeating that question to himself. What was most worthwhile?

In the midst of his thoughts and Thiago's unspoken wait, Mason felt like he was being saved by the voice coming from Silva's phone, telling him they had reached their destination. The car parked in front of the door of his building, hoping that being only a few metres away he wouldn't have to get too wet.

-Thanks for the ride -he said, high fiving his partner.

-No problem, take care of yourself. And good luck with that, have faith.

-Thank you, I will.

He ran up the stairs quickly to the entrance, and then went up using the elevator. He usually used the stairs, because keeping fit was important, but it was late at night and he was much more eager to get to his flat early to rest for a while from the social interaction.

He got to the door, took off his shoes and soaked jacket and walked to the living room, where he could dry his hair with a small hand towel and change out of his t-shirt and jeans into the sportswear he sometimes slept in. The night was starting to get colder with the storm raging outside and he wondered how his teammates were going to get home. Most of them had cars, but they certainly wouldn't avoid a few drops of water on their bodies, because the storm didn't look like it would stop any time during the night. He wondered about Aisha, and that reminded him that he now had her number registered on his phone, with her first and last name. He didn't even think more than once before looking up her profile on Instagram and finding out a little more about her.

Her pictures were usually in luxurious places, she seemed to also live in London and until recently in other places of Western Europe. She had recently turned the same age as him, and her father's fondness for English football seemed to be true, underpinned by a number of prominent stories in which she frequently appeared with her family in VIP boxes at several stadiums.

Should I send a message first? God, send a message... What about him?

Well, he's the one who today decided to barely speak to me. And I don't get it, I never get it.

With a yawn, he sank his head into the palm of his hand that rested on the armrest of the sofa. He settled his body into the couch, his hands still a little damp and his skin getting used to the warmth of dry clothes, when footsteps in front of him made him feel as if he had sensed a phantom presence in his flat, making him jump out of his seat immediately.

Chapter Text

With a yawn, he sank his head into the palm of his hand that rested on the armrest of the sofa. He had barely managed to settle his body in the seat, his hands still a little damp and his skin getting used to the warmth of dry clothes when footsteps in front of him made him feel as if he had felt a phantom presence in his flat, which made him jump out of his seat immediately. 

But it was Kai Havertz with his breath hitching, his lively eyes and his hair wet from the rain. 

—Shit, Kai! What the fuck?!

—Sorry.

—Didn't... I didn't... close the fucking door?! Holy shit, I almost fucking fainted from fright.

—I got ways to get in.

—Huh?! Huh?! My God, Kai, did anyone ever tell you you're really fucking weird? That's not normal, god.

—I've been told. A lot. And you're the only one who's said it in a good way.

—Oh my God, Kai...

Mason took a moment so he could retreat back to the couch and feel his heartbeat return to normal with the palm of his hand.

—Sorry for coming over like this.

—You say that like it's something new... You're soaking wet, Kai.

—Oh, uh, right. I—I'm sorry.

—It's okay. It's okay. I'll go get you some dry clothes.

He didn't allow his teammate to object. He got up and hurried up the stairs to his room, where he grabbed one of his longer sweatpants and a cotton T-shirt from the wardrobe. He took that short moment to look in the mirror and make sure he didn't look as bad as his mind was telling him. Yes, it was true that he definitely looked like someone who had just returned from a party, and it was true that the makeup Aisha had put on his face was no longer doing him the favour of disguising what he had drunk that night, but by adjusting his hair a little, he didn't look so terrible. He sighed, before making his way downstairs, carrying the clothes in his arms for his teammate.

—Here you go —he said as he arrived downstairs, next to the armchair he had recently been in—. I hope it's something close to your size, but you can tell me if it's not and I'll look for something else.

—Oh, no, no, I... I do appreciate that. It shouldn't have been necessary, Mase.

—No, of course it is, your clothes are wet, outside is coming down in stair rods.

—That's true —he admitted, though from the look on his face, he still wanted to apologise to his teammate—. Thanks for this. 

—Well, uh, you can change in my room or here, wherever you prefer.

—No, it's okay, here, here's fine. 

—Oh, well... well, uh, I'm gonna, I'm going, uh... over there for a moment...

As soon as he said that, he turned around to go to the kitchen, where he would have to find some activity that would keep him thinking about something else for a few seconds. He didn't know exactly what he was feeling at the moment, besides the sudden shock of seeing Kai suddenly appear. Of course he was glad to see Kai there, as he always was when he saw him walk through that door, but at the same time, it was really confusing to admit the clear fact that he felt mad at him that night. He felt disappointed and indignant at the fact that he hadn't had any reaction at the club, that he hadn't paid attention or even a glance at him, and that just when there was something else on his mind, he decided to show up at his flat in spite of the storm outside just so he could see him.

Even here, in the rain, wet to the skin. I don't understand. What the fuck is wrong with you, Kai? Why? It's always the same question, why?

—Were you about to sleep? —he asked, as he put on his T-shirt.

—Of course, in the living room and during this storm —he said wryly.

He took a packet of grapes from the fridge and pretended to read the back of it.

—You're right —he said with a smile that was more forced than he wanted it to be. 

Mount wasn't looking at him, but through the reflection in the glass between the kitchen and the stairs he could catch a glimpse of his teammate, taking off his clothes and putting his own on now. He couldn't stop staring even if he wanted to, and he felt annoyed still, but he knew how much he was attracted to Kai too.

The emotions were making him feel an addictive rush of adrenaline, though he wasn't sure he enjoyed it.

—Uh, I think I'm done —and Mason turned to face him from the kitchen— Where... where should I put my clothes?

—You can put them in the hamper behind the stairs —he indicated without facing him.

Kai nodded, headed there and then back to the kitchen, in a stealthy step that could only be interpreted as a reaction to the perceived change in Mason's usual way of welcoming him into his home. Of course he wondered why, but the truth was that even his teammate wouldn't have been able to explain it to him. 

Mason was the first to break the silence once they both found themselves in the kitchen, almost side by side on the block.

—So, have you come to see the shelter dogs with me?

Kai denied.

He swallowed hard before answering.

—I didn't come here to talk about the shelter dogs. Mase, I came because I don't... because I don't want you to meet a girl and fall in love with her.

Mason kept silent. His heart was beating fast, so fast all of a sudden, so fast it felt like it was going to burst out of his chest.

—And are you going to tell me why?

Kai didn't answer, the distant sound of cars and the refrigerator running being the only thing his ears caught. It wasn't until Mason looked at him that he dared to speak.

—I think... I can't do it.

—Why not?

—I don't want to.

—How-? Why not?

He shrugged his shoulders.

—Can we talk about something else? 

—Uh, no. No, no, why would we talk about anything else? Why are you coming to tell me this but you don't want to elaborate? What the hell, Kai?

—It's... I don't, I don't know why I did it.

—You don't k...? Kai! You were soaking wet! You walked up those stairs soaking wet, in a raging storm outside, you couldn't possibly not know why you did it. You wanted to tell me what you said, or are you lying?

—No, no! No, absolutely not, I'm not lying, I wanted to tell you that, it's true, but... I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't tell you that, I shouldn't have told you that, but I can't help it.

—Do you really care about Aisha, the girl from the club? Because... I don't know, it didn't seem like it earlier —he questioned. And making that statement was something he wouldn't have wanted to say, something that would have usually stayed in his thoughts and he wouldn't have had the courage to say, but he felt angry, and he wasn't going to pretend that he didn't. 

—I really do care, Mase —he said, without a trace of hesitation and with perhaps the most seriousness Mason had ever seen in him—. I don't like the way I feel when I think about you with someone else and, and I just, I just want, I just want... I want you to know, I wanted to tell you because I don't want you to think that I don't care, because that's not true. And that's important enough to come all the way up here to tell you. 

—And what do you expect me to do with that incomplete information?

It was hard to look him in the eye without surrendering to that look that always endeared him to Kai, but he wasn't trying to intimidate him with the discomfort he felt, instead he was begging him to explain himself, he was begging to understand it all.

—I... I don't know — he shook his head, shrugging his shoulders.

—Kai, I don't understand. Why are you afraid to talk? This is ridiculous at this point, what the hell do you mean? What does this all mean? And, shit, why didn't you tell me any of this two hours ago?

—I know, I should have, and I always wish, I wish I could... it's just, Mason, I know it seems ridiculous, but it's, it's harder than you think, it's just... I just, I can't. And, maybe I should leave you alone instead of coming this far, I...

—No, Kai, wait —he said, the desperation in his voice overshadowing any other feelings—. You weren't wrong to come here, don't you see? It's, I mean, if you think what you're doing wrong is coming to tell me this, it's not. The mistake you'd be making would be leaving right now.

—Mase... I so wish it was all different, but... 

—Then make it so! Kai, you don't have to be afraid, you said it, you said I shouldn't be afraid of you, why are you afraid of me?

—I'm not afraid of you, no —his eyes seemed filled with a desperate emotion that was completely impossible to hide, but he couldn't understand it, why was Kai the one who was suffering for it, if it was so clear what he was feeling too?— It's not you, it's, this situation, I... Seriously, I should go now. It's practically dawn.

—Come on, Kai, please, can you not leave me like this, please?

—It's just all I can say.

—But why? 

—Because there are, there are some things on my mind that I wish I could tell you, because I think about it all the time when you're around me —Kai wasn't looking him in the eye, he was looking at the ground now instead, but by the way his voice was slurred and his cheeks were flushed as red as ever, he could tell he was making an effort to speak, and sure enough he looked nervous to do so.

—And I get it, Kai, I really do. Shit, if I didn't know you weren't normal, I never would have talked to you —he said anxiously, though a fleeting smile crossed his face—. I understand that, and I accept that, I accepted that a long time ago, and I... I want that anyway, Kai. All I'm asking for is a single second of clarity.

He didn't know if what his heart was feeling was a curiosity that was too unbearable, the warmth of how much he loved Havertz, or an emotion that he wanted fervently to culminate with Kai in his arms, in his thoughts and next to his body in any way.

—You can say it —he continued— Come on, tell me for once what these damn confusing signs mean or if I should stop....

—Mase, there's so much I'd like to get off my chest and tell you —he spoke, with a slight nervous laugh— but I don't know the consequences. Because I don't want to risk ruining this, and I... I know I only overthink it all when I'm close to you.

—I want to know, Kai —he said, gripping his teammate's arms with his palms as he moved closer to him, their faces mere inches apart as their gazes met— Leave the fear for a damn second, because your fear might be the same as mine and I think it's time to get serious, because I also don't want to see you walk out the door every time it's time for you to leave and I, especially, don't want you to leave today. 

—And do you also regret not saying what you want to say? Because every night... I just think about everything all over again, after being alone with you.

—And also when I'm close to you —he completed— And... I don't know what would happen now, because, without certainty, I also overthink it and for those stupid fictitious scenarios I break my own heart....

—Mase, don't overthink it, please don't, because... there would never be anything to break your heart, but I can't do anything about it....

—You can do it, of course you can. Or I'll just have to be the one to say I love you, and accept the consequences of that.

Kai's eyelids covered his eyes, his cheeks soon adorned by two silent tears. His teammate's heart couldn't stop beating as if it was about to burst out of his chest, to echo in his chest and make him lose his breath as he looked at him.

—I love you too, Mase. I love you so deeply, so much, more than I could ever explain.

—Really?

—Yes —he said, this time opening his tear soaked eyes with a smile as sincere as the pulse in his veins against Mason's fingertips revealed—. Yes, I'm so, so, so in love with you.

—And why are you crying? I'm in love with you too, silly.

His teammate's inevitable laughter almost made him forget that little tear he was wiping away with the back of the training sweatshirt he had lent him.

—And nothing makes me happier, Mase. But I'm really scared, because of what it means, the consequences of us being in love now. It's not that simple.

—I know, Kai. We'll figure that out later, somehow, somehow, we'll figure it out —he said, taking his face in his hands with a serene smile.

For if he had already carried in his heart for so long the greatest pain he could have ever imagined, if he could now smile again so authentically as he saw through those blue eyes, then nothing could be so difficult. Nothing was impossible, and he was sure that Kai was worth absolutely anything he had to go through to keep him by his side and to hear from his voice again and again that it was true, that he loved him too.

—And, anyway, I'm sure there's no one else I'd rather face everything with than you.

Kai smiled at that statement, hugging him as tightly as possible, his face nestling into the side of his, because even if he didn't know it, Kai really wanted to feel his hair, his skin, the smile that graced his expression as he heard his teammate's small chuckle while doing so, to catch his scent and finally feel so close to the warmth he longed to share with him in fantasies. Mason couldn't even think, he had no idea what to do next, his clouded mind felt like it was in a heaven he didn't want to come down from, so it was only an impulse that led him to follow the path Havertz had started towards meeting his lips in a kiss.

A small, shy, almost discreet kiss. He did it again, just for a couple of seconds, because it was so strange the context of knowing that it was his first kiss with a boy, with a person who until recently had been a friend, with someone he had grown to love so much; but also kissing him felt like the warm sun coming through his window on a cold and windy autumn afternoon. It was truly pleasant, it was soft, it was comfortable, it was a sensation that he wished would cover his whole body.

So, he transformed that intense look between the two of them over their mischievous smiles, which made them feel like committing a crime, into another kiss.

More than one, a series of them. One, then another, then another, a little longer, always interrupted by incredulous laughter, because for both of them it seemed so impossible that it felt like a fantasy for it to actually be happening. The rain was witness, falling with the force of being absent last summer, to what was happening in his kitchen, where two figures leaning against the island in the middle stood together, facing each other, closer and closer, and between pressing their lips together for longer and longer, their hands beginning to leave the rigid, fearful position in which they had begun. Mason was no longer holding his arms, but the sides of his waist, and in a more fearless move, Kai had stopped holding his arms down, slipping around his neck and holding him in that intimate contact. 

Their hearts echoed in each other's chests, excited as their lips began to try different positions and the soft touches turned into hands clutching at each other's clothes, at each other's hair, or caressing the skin on the back of his neck, on his face. Mason ventured, between the breathless kisses, to slyly lower his palm over the fabric of his sweatshirt and down to where it reached his hip, sliding down to Kai's skin. It was only the skin of his hip, the sides of his abdomen, but he could feel his teammate shudder against him, like a shiver that he himself could feel replicating. Havertz tangled his fingers in his hair, pulled him closer, forcing him to take a couple of steps forward until the younger man's back was against the wall, where it was easier to lean back and thus bring his lower body together with Mason's; the sweatpants he'd lent him were no longer at his navel level, now, a couple of centimetres below the elastic of his underwear, it was the warm fabric the only thing interposing and rubbing between him and his teammate. Mount couldn't help the barely audible sound against his lips, not allowing him to pull away from them, even with their bodies moving together again and again. 

He couldn't think about what was happening, because maybe the very second they had started kissing, maybe even before, he had decided that this moment was not for reflection, it was for feeling everything that was happening, because he had waited so long for it that now he only wished to never be separated from it, that what they felt would last forever, that he would never have to wonder if he should stop, and he wasn't going to stop now, much less when the storm that raged in London that night seemed to tell them that there was discretion, intimacy, and warmth inside that flat to continue. 

That warmth inside fogged the glass that covered the windows facing other buildings, curtains half-closed because in the storm they knew that the view barely allowed them to see blurred glimpses of distant lights, much less the couple who in the darkness of that apartament touched each other with shyness, fading fear and blind pleasure. The heat increased with the movement of their bodies against each other, with the uncontainable sighs, mouths kissing not only each other, but cheeks, necks and when Mason's shirt fell to the floor, also the skin on his shoulders.

Kai's sweet pink lips were losing him from absolutely everything, he didn't want to stop and neither did his teammate, but even though he didn't know how long they had been there, he knew he was starting to get tired after a day on his feet, and if he was in his own home, there was no need for it. His arm went around Kai's waist, pulled him to him, and in that way slowly but desperately guided him to the largest of the sofas in his living room, a three-piece that was only a few steps away from the two of them. Havertz didn't know where he was going as he took steps backwards, pushed by his teammate, yet his eyes closed and his mind distracted by the gasps that interrupted the caresses between his lips and Mason's were a kind of vote of confidence: he trusted him, where he was taking him, even if he couldn't see it. He trusted to drop into the couch where Mount sat next to him, and as soon as he was facing him, he began to unzip that sporty sweatshirt that was his anyway, slowly uncovering her skin as his lips rested on it.

Autumn was usually cold in England, evenings of strong wind that ruffled the fallen leaves on the trees and sunsets that painted the landscape a warm orange, but the rainy nights were something different. Rainy nights washed away the wind, hid the sun's rays behind dense clouds that whitened the night sky and reflected the moonlight in every corner of the city, cooled the temperature and made the warmth that covered the bodies of the icy surroundings precious.

Inside his apartment, the weather wasn't as hot as the fogged windows made it seem: it was just their bodies, so close together on the main couch, that they seemed to emit a magical, unrelenting heat capable of taming any weather from passionate collisions between their lips, which turned into a path that led from Mason's cheeks to his neck, to his shoulders and stopped hesitantly when it reached his chest. 

He would notice it, but then, when it returned to his neck, he would completely forget any doubts. That sensation that invaded him caused his skin to bristle, made him bring his hands to Kai's hair and hold it between his fingers as if in that way he could ask him not to stop, without allowing him to wonder if he was being too impulsive, if he should pretend a little, but it was completely impossible anyway. He traced the sides of his teammate's body with his hands as well, managed to make his partner shudder against his chest and had to hide his face in his neck when they slipped inside his sweatpants. He felt Kai's breath against his neck as with the utmost shyness he slid his palms over the skin he found in his path: his body was so thin, so light on him that he could barely notice his presence, but he felt it entirely in a way he couldn't explain.

He listened to the sound of his kisses, perceived the caresses on his skin, through his half-closed eyes he saw his body moving in the darkness of the room, his silhouette intermittently illuminated by the little light that filtered through the window, crossing the rain that fell energetically outside. That rain that gave him the confidence to touch his skin and run over it as much as he could, because it was what he had wanted for so long that he would never have forgiven himself for not doing it at that moment, when uncertainty still moved his heart behind the pleasure that Kai's lips moving down his abdomen made him feel.

It made the skin bristle all over his body now that the wetness he left on it stopped below his navel, where the line of his underwear marked that spot they both knew there would be no room for any kind of regret, if there was still a chance of going back. And something in him, like a novice instinct, made him hold Kai's hair as if to stop him, Havertz's gaze returning to him in a question the German also doubted. Of course they didn't know what they were doing, they had never thought that something like that would happen and that they would be in that situation for real. Mason had imagined, upon discovering his sexuality, so many scenarios in which he would have to stop himself before being with a boy, because there would be too much fear, too much uncertainty, too much inexperience and he wouldn't know what to do, and then he would have to step back and talk.

And reality had changed to imagination. For with Kai, in that moment, he could not have felt safer. He wasn't scared, he wasn't alert; he felt as calm and as sure of what he was doing as he would have felt with himself. There were no regrets, no risks to make him hesitate, he felt so at ease that the only thing on his mind was the pleasure he felt, the one that made his legs weak, now slightly apart to allow his partner better access to his body, which he touched almost at the request of Mason's guiding hands.

It was the cue Mason hastily removed his trousers and underwear, which fell to the floor along with the sweatshirt Kai previously wore. They could tell the urgency in each other, in how quickly Kai had removed his clothes as well and returned to kissing him as if that was the air he breathed. They fell back onto the couch together, sunk in a series of deep, wet kisses that were now made more desperate by the sensations of their bodies, by the skin that now touched each other completely naked and the hips that, as a while ago against the wall, couldn't stop the urge to meet. The movements between the two, thrusting back and forth to provoke that pleasurable rubbing, had them now with their legs between each other's, the hardness of their erections rubbing against each other's thighs and provoking the heat that had already had them in its grip provoking the heat that had them already sweating despite the sixteen degrees Celsius outside. The completely fogged windows of the small balcony showed the driving rain as they caressed each other, attracted each other, rubbed each other because it felt so good.

Their hands roamed each other's bodies as if it was the last time they could do it, and their bodies craved to be so close together that they didn't even feel in control of what they were doing, but they couldn't stop, they didn't want to. 

—Shit... —the older man sighed, because their cocks, one against the other, were starting to slide up and down the skin that covered them in that movement they were both making against each other. And it felt good, really good.

Mason kissed his neck, plunged into his skin with delicate suctions and held his torso with both arms, as if he never wanted to let go, because all the while, Kai's hands were wrapped around his hips and caressing the side of his thighs as much as they could. 

Kai kept letting out those gasps near his ear that were already turning into shy moans, maybe because of how embarrassed he was, just like him, maybe because he'd never been in that situation before, just like him, or maybe because the other thing they had in common was a huge surprise at how good it felt, and it was better than they'd ever felt before. Soon he too was so full of those sensations that he couldn't help but express it louder than he should: his crotch pressed against the younger man's and the sensation was overwhelming, it was so good that for seconds he had the urge to pull away to avoid climaxing, when one of Havertz's hands had reached down to envelop them both in a masturbation so desperate that it was extremely intense. 

—Ah, Kai! 

The hardness throbbing against his own, the heat they both felt and how wet they were already, only made him want to have more of it, because the very thought of what was happening made his erection tingle as if he was going to orgasm at that moment. His glans was rubbing against his partner's, completely drenched with desire and sending himself into spasms that were almost torture at that point.

And yet, it was the best sensation Mason had ever experienced, so his own hand withdrew his partner's only to make the rhythm even faster as he filled them both with his saliva. 

Making them slide between each other like that, he pressed them against each other even when it was already unbearable, the rush of sensations that had them moaning uncontrollably, first against each other's lips and then apart. Mason throwing his head back on the couch, and Kai letting it hang off his torso, eyes closed, clutching his palms to one of Mount's shoulders and to the fabric of his living room couch, which he hold with all his might as he felt the hot bath of semen covering them both, the echo of their voices drowned out in the storm that raged outside.

Their breaths, so shaky that they could barely catch air, let their bodies fall side by side in the narrow space of the sofa, one hand entwined with the other and their faces just centimetres apart. The steam emanating from both of them, making their chests rise and fall rapidly, gradually diminished, leaving them both to begin to feel the cold that was actually increasing in London that night, forcing them to move from their position within minutes.

Mason didn't really want to pick up his phone and return to reality by doing so, but he knew he had to at some point: those minutes with Kai pressing his forehead lazily against his chest couldn't last forever, so he reached his hand down to his trouser pocket lying on the carpet and turned on the screen of his phone. He looked at the time: it was later than what he had in mind. He thought he had spent minutes with Kai in what had actually been almost an hour. 

—What's wrong? 

—Oh, nothing, I was just, I was just looking at the time.

—What about it? —he questioned sympathetically.

—Well, the usual. Time doesn't seem to be correct when you're here —he smiled, causing the same reaction in his teammates who, after looking into his eyes, hid his gaze again, now directing it to the ceiling. 

After a few seconds, a more serious look appeared on his face, and Mount noticed it immediately. 

He did not take the initiative, because the line was so thin that he did not know how to act so as not to cross it. Kai never seemed to think about it.

—What do we do now?

—What do you mean? 

—I mean, about... this. 

—Are you... sorry?

—Mase, being with you is the thing I've wanted the most in my life. 

—What's the matter then?

—That I’m so scared. Of everything that will happen now.

His voice was so sincere that he could be sure of his honesty just by hearing that tone, which he never had to hear before. Kai was always that person who brought him calm, that person who said exactly what he needed to hear to feel that everything was okay, that person who talked about the worst moments of his life with a serenity that seemed to speak of someone else's story instead of his own. And now, for the first time, he could notice and was really sure how scared he was about an uncertain future that he too had forgotten between the warmth of the room.

—Yes... it's a bit terrifying. 

His partner's bare arms embraced him suddenly, gently but in a grip so strong that he seemed to want to melt into it. It took him by surprise, but his partner's sigh against his neck softened his heart so much that when he closed his eyes the only thing on his mind was that connection between them. That thing he felt every time they were together, that was almost magical to describe and that brought him all the reassurance he could ever need in just a few seconds of remembering that he was there, that he was in his life. He believed, and could almost be sure, that Kai felt the same way he did, because he sighed as he pressed his cheek against his skin. For the first time, he felt as if he was the one who had to bring Kai calm.

Havertz closed his eyes tightly, as tightly as he hugged his partner on that couch.

—Mason... I love you more than anything. And I mean it, I really mean it.

He smiled, as touched as he was surprised by that statement. It wasn't as if he didn't love him too, but perhaps the wounds that previous attachments had left in his heart had made him so wary of love that saying something like that seemed like a matter of years.

How is it that you're not afraid to love, Kai?

How do you allow yourself that intensity without fearing that your heart is going to break completely? Do you trust me that much? Or is it me who is still too afraid of what happens when you love someone and then they're gone forever?

—How long have you been waiting to say that?

—A lifetime.

—What do you mean? —he laughed.

—It's true —he confirmed, looking into his eyes in that way that seemed to reach into his soul.

—I'm in love with you, too. And it was worth the wait.

He couldn't help thinking about how he would tell Jack later. How he would explain it to him, and if Kai would tell anyone else too. He knew that with the rest of his teammates he didn't have as close relations as he had with him, but maybe he could find allies in some of his German teammates, in one of his brothers or even in those old friends he had had to leave behind in Leverkusen. 

He also thought about what it would be like to tell Ben about what had just happened, to tell Erin as well. He thought about the reactions on their faces, the happiness he knew they would feel for him, the advice they would give him, the hug he was sure to get from both of them because he had talked so much about Kai that all he hoped was that his friends would trust the heart he knew Havertz had. Which was now beating unhindered against his chest.

Of course, it couldn't be like that for too long, because as the night wore on, the temperature dropped and two bodies weren't enough to keep warm on a third floor in London, even if the rain had let up and now the windows only slid slow drops of water behind the draught. Clothes returned to their places, the heating was turned on amidst arduous convergence.

The clothes were put back in place, the heat was turned on amidst an arduous conversation about whether or not Kai would spend the night in Mason's place, considering that it was a cold night, that the streets were too wet, that maybe getting a ride home would be a little more difficult. But it was complicated, even when they could both feel in their hearts that great desire to stay together, to ignore the whole world and the course of life so they could remain sharing the same space and not be separated from each other.

It was complicated because Mason knew well that they had a short training session the next day, that the day after that Kai and Timo had important commitments with their agent, the kind of things that couldn't be postponed, and that there were also the commitments with the club's sponsorship team, from whom they would both have indications for the recording of a couple of videos in the next few days. 

So, as hard as it had been for them to let go, to say goodbye and to stop hugging each other again by the door of their flat, they finally had to accept the fact that they would not be able to stay together that cold night.

—I'm going to miss you —Mason commented softly.

—You miss me every night... —he smiled at him— and I miss you, I miss you every night too —he finished with a tight hug and a kiss on his hair.

His thin arms sometimes seemed even imperceptible to him, but the warmth he found in them made up for it.

—All right... and I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

—But you'll be at Kepa's party.

—Well, maybe you can stop by a little bit.

Kai smiled and shook his head. He knew Mason wasn't the kind of person who insisted on that kind of thing, but he understood why he was doing it now: there was a strong feeling between them that they wanted to stay together, a feeling of not wanting to be apart now that they finally knew what they meant to each other.

—We'll see about that —he smiled, before planting a kiss on his lips and another on his forehead.

It was probably the first time he'd ever done that, or at least the first time he'd done it explicitly in a romantic sense. It made him freeze for a moment, and not because it surprised him, but because it was something that felt so natural and yet felt completely unlike anything before. That kind of thing was what he had waited so long for, to be able to just do it without worrying about how Kai might react, in rejection or worse. That was invaluable, because now, for the first time, he felt out of fear of getting close to him. Now, if there was any danger, it would be both of them against the world.

That didn't sound so bad.

That night he had barely been able to sleep. He had the impression that he could never again feel what he felt that night, such enormous happiness, even when he was all alone in his department, rain on such a freezing autumn night, and he felt complete. That was the only word he could use to describe it. It felt like he had opened the door to a new stage, one in which the future seemed clear of those clouds that had covered his view for so many months, that now, far away, allowed him to see clearly a much brighter future, in which he was sure he could be happy having Kai by his side at night, in his kitchen, in his dining room, in his bed, looking out the window together at sunset, at dusk and maybe some sunrise from the roof of the building. 

And he found himself smiling broadly, unintentionally, smiling and hugging the pillow tightly in his arms. He decided not to dwell on his thoughts that night, not to be cautious about how far it was right to fantasise, decided to leave it to his imagination to create all the future scenarios he had so long restrained himself from thinking about at Havertz's side in order not to hurt himself at some point: he thought of them waking up next to each other, of them perhaps going out to get each other presents, of them watching the dog that might be theirs playing with new toys in the living room of his flat, of them finally talking to each other like a couple of friends, of them finally talking to each other like a couple of, at least, best friends in front of the rest in the club. He allowed himself for the first time that kind of thought, and let himself sink into it amidst that cold night, fogging the glass of his bedroom window, guarded by the night light of a city that would only let him guess the glow of the stars behind the dark clouds.

—Mason! —she called out once more, as loud but moderate as she could make it, in the hope that none of her teammate's neighbours would come out of any of the other doors again to complain about the noise at such an hour in the morning. She approached the door again to rap her knuckles, louder this time— Hey, Mase! Ugh, shit... —Erin whispered, resigning herself to having to find another way to wake her friend up.

In front of each of the condos they both lived in, which filled the blocks of that neighbourhood, were very small gardens that were supposed to be communal. They were only about fifteen feet long, but they were usually hogged by the inhabitants of the lowest floor in each building; it was for that reason that Erin dreaded having to approach, through the grass and dodging grills, toys, and pots of probably expensive flowers just to get within reasonable distance to pick up a small rock and throw it toward that window in Mason's bathroom that always remained open. It was a very small window, maybe only six inches high, but the fact that the glass was kept open gave him a wide enough range to aim at to make one of those rocks hit the tiles on the bathroom floor, some porcelain or glass object inside, or the window pane, in the hope of not breaking it in the attempt. 

She feared not only the fact that she might break the glass on a bad shot, but also the possibility that one of the neighbours might see her and accuse her of damaging the condo, or simply question why she was throwing rocks at the building or why she was standing in a garden that was private property, or maybe call the police, or think she was some kind of thief trying to break in. 

—Shit, fucking hear something, Mason!

Meanwhile, inside the room, between sheets that had been moved a hundred times in the night in an attempt to fall asleep, Mason stirred to bury his face in his pillow again, even though in his sleep he heard faint thumps and the sound of a distant melody. It was extremely difficult to concentrate on those sounds when sleep felt so comfortable that he had to fight against the force of his own slumber to hear them. He was barely startled by the sound of a slightly larger rock hitting the glass separating the bathroom from the shower. Rubbing his eyes, he felt as if he could only just come out of the deep sleep he hadn't been able to wake up from for minutes, even though he had heard his alarm more than two hours ago. 

Despite what had happened the night before, he wasn't experiencing the fatigue he would expect after everything. 

Everything that happened last night.

He barely had time to reflect on the events before the ringtone on his phone interrupted his thoughts. The screen showed another 15 missed calls from her best friend, so he hurried to answer:

—Sorry, sorry, sorry I'll be down in a sec!

Still in a state of semi—consciousness, he rushed to put on his shoes and get out of his flat as quickly as he could. The cold and rain from the night before made the stairs feel slightly damp, but that didn't stop Mason, who hurried downstairs to open the door, avoiding waiting for the elevator.

—Hey! —he said as he opened the front door.

—Mason! Bloody hell... —she said as she walked back through the front door of the building to meet him, embracing him with a hug so tight that it had rattled the bones in Mount's back.

—Ouch.

—Mount, your neighbours were about to report me if I threw another rock at your glass, I thought the worst, you idiot! —Mason had been about to ask her to relax the strength in her arms, but that was something that he didn't think of that often: her friend still worried too much about his emotional state. 

—I'm sorry, Er. I was sleeping.

—Don't scare me like that, dumbass... I was calling you all morning and it was like your phone didn't have a signal, and then it finally did, but you wouldn't answer my calls. One of your neighbours let me in and you wouldn't open the door either...

—I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know what happened... I was sleeping but, I don't know, I don't think I've ever slept so soundly before, really. Actually, I wanted to wake up much earlier, I heard your calls, I think, but it was really like a lethargy. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.

—Don't worry, I'm glad you're okay. You scared me to death, but at least I'm glad it's all right —she smiled, with a punch on his arm—. And I hope it was a restful sleep, because I was supposed to see you at nine at Cobham, you said you'd go pick me up —she said in a complaining tone.

—Oh, God, I, I, I forgot, I'm sorry. Well, I mean, I didn't forget, in fact, I didn't even hear the alarms I'd set for.... 

His eyes widened for the first time since waking up. He looked at the clock on his phone. It was already eleven in the morning.

Training with the team had started at ten and would last just four hours.

Four, and the time to get to Cobham: he could probably only train for three, unless he had a good excuse and left for the training centre right now.

—Shit... Training! I need to leave right now before Tuchel thinks of taking me out of Saturday's line up!

—Are you serious, Mason?

—I wish I wasn't. I gotta get a taxi right now.

She sighed, because even though she was upset with him for bailing on her, the affection she had for her best friend was deeper.

—Forget the taxi, go get your stuff and I'll get Lauren to lend me her car. Come on, quick!

The blonde left as quickly as he did for her building, both of them almost running to their flats to grab everything they needed before heading back downstairs to meet up. The women's team had returned to the training centre after their away game over three hours ago, and Erin's roommates usually returned together in Lauren's car, so it was still parked in front of their building and it wasn't a big deal for them to leave on their way to Chelsea's training centre as quickly as they needed to. 

—Wow, it's so weird to go training together in a car —Mason joked, as her friend drove. She smiled.

—If all goes well, it'll be like this every day for the next year.

—Are you going to get a car?

—I hope so —she smiled— I don't know yet, the ones I've liked are expensive and I haven't even got to pass my driving test, so the first thing I'll have to do is pass. Maybe you should do it too, you're a good driver.

—Well, you know I have other priorities financially at the moment —he sighed.

—Today is Kepa's party, isn't it? 

—Yes, it's today. Would you like to go with me?

She laughed lightly, though she thanked him kindly for the invitation.

—Uh, I mean, it's a men's team party, I don't know. I don't think they expect me to be there, right?

—Sam and her girlfriend will be there.

—Sam and her girlfriend are at absolutely every party —she smiled— And you... Won't you be accompanied by someone else?

—You, I hope.

The girl didn't reply specifically, though she did give her teammate a curious look. It was the silence that followed that look that made Mason suspect Erin was really expecting another answer from him. 

He remembered Kai and suddenly his cheeks were much redder. He had to roll down the car window to let in some of the cold air outside. 

—It's a bit of a chilly morning, isn't it?

—Huh, it must be the rain... so isn't someone else going with you? 

—Like... going with me?

—Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying... 

—Well, I mean... 

—Mase, isn't there something you're forgetting to tell me? 

They were close to Cobham, but not close enough to get out of the car and avoid that conversation. The real question on his mind was what the hell had given Erin the clues to what had happened the night before? Was it really that visually remarkable? Or had Kai asked about him? Was it then that Kai had finally broken that ice between their relationship and other people?

Well, relationship or... whatever this is now.

—I'm talking to you! —she repeated, to snap him out of his thoughts.

—Huh? Oh, well, I mean...

—Are you forgetting to mention something to me?

—Like... like what? 

—Well, like that you went clubbing with Aisha Noor last night! Are you two dating?!

—Huh?! 

—I'd especially like to know how... how did it happen? When did you meet? And when were you going to tell me? And what happened last night between you two? And what's going on between the two of you now?

—Between...? Huh? Er, I have no idea what you're talking about. 

—Really? —she questioned with an accusatory look.

—Well, I mean, I'm just, uh, I'm confused. I'm very confused, how did you know that...? Well, I met a girl called Aisha, but I had no idea that... Is... is that Aisha you're referring to?

—Aisha Noor, the girl from Tiktok. She's the one from those shampoo commercials, her hair's like a metre long.

—Uh, yeah, I think her hair's really long, but... Well, her face certainly looked familiar...

—Are you serious, Mase? She literally appeared in billboard ads, in the shops, all over social media. 

—Well, I'm not in the beauty side of Tiktok! And besides —he sighed— I wasn't really that... I wasn't really sober.

—Mason! 

—But nothing happened! Nothing, nothing at all, we literally just talked and then danced, that's all! 

—Well, so in the Instagram story that she posted with you... 

—With me?! What story did she post?! —he asked, his tone somewhere between fear and surprise. Erin had already parked the car near the entrance to the training centre and now both of them had immediately grabbed their phones— I'm pretty sure that when I got home she hadn't even followed me yet! 

—Oh, she didn't tag you, actually —she said, as she showed him the picture under the girl's user name on her mobile screen. The blue verification icon was displayed next to her name—. And now you've got all her fans theorising who the guy in the picture is.

The image her friend showed him seemed to be illuminated by the flash of the camera, as the rest of the place looked dark and full of people. It was the club they had been to the night before, and they were both dancing; probably taken by one of Aisha's friends at a time when they were both distracted, the girl she had met the night before was clearly the owner of the profile, the one Erin was referring to. There were details about her that he didn't quite remember, like the bright colour of her dress or how extremely long her hair was, but he remembered her face well, her smoothed nose and cheekbones that made her look like a star in a movie.

Or in ads. Of course, I knew I recognized her from somewhere.

The photograph seemed to be taken from an overhead angle, so Mason's face wasn't visible enough: one could barely make out some of the shape of her nose and the contours of her face, where she was clearly wearing a huge smile even though she was looking down. Down below, precisely, their hips almost came together as they danced: one of Mason's hands rested on her waist and Aisha's expression was a huge, almost embarrassed smile, having Mason's face so close to her. Of course, the main feature of the photograph was her hair, curly and so long it seemed to reach her waist. 

—Oh, wow...

—Mason, what the hell happened?

—Is everyone sure those aren't hair extensions?

—Mason! Will you please talk about the elephant in the room?! And no, they're not extensions, that's her real hair. I hope, I bought the whole damn hair food line. 

—Well, listen: first off, I had no idea she was some kind of influencer, we only met yesterday! Besides, yes, I was a bit drunk! I hadn't had a drink in a long time and I have no idea at what point I exceeded my limit, but I'm sure absolutely nothing happened between us. 

—You didn't even kiss?

—No! No, no, no, absolutely not. I know I would remember, because I remember meeting her and I remember dancing with her and her friends, but I know that the whole night I thought about Kai. The idea was actually... well, uh, to get close to Kai.

Erin looked at him, still with some doubt on her face. She had parked the car just outside the club, so she had the privilege of being able to watch her best friend's mannerisms carefully: she knew him so well that she was sure he wasn't lying, and she also knew he had no reason to hide something from her as a new girl in his life.

—And you're sure you didn't even kiss?

—Completely sure. She didn't even follow me on Instagram, she just gave me her phone number.

—Oh, so at least you two had a good time, that's for sure —she nodded—... Uh, and how do you think Kai will take all this?

Mason sighed. When he'd thought about Kai that morning, the last thing he'd thought about was the girl he'd just met the night before. But now he saw his big picture, he wondered if that girl was well known enough for Havertz to know about it all. So that even one among the rest of his teammates would be aware of it at all.

Either way, Kai had seen them together at some point the night before, hadn't he? Of course, he had completely ignored him all night, but he had gone over there, to his flat, to tell him that he didn't want him to fall in love with someone else. And now, with everything that had happened between the two of them the night before, would it bother Kai if the rest of the world linked him to someone else? 

He knew it didn't have to be that way, that it didn't mean anything, but maybe he should talk it over with him.

—Uh, well, it's just that... um, actually I... Er, there's something else that happened and it's important to all of this, but I need a lot more time to talk to you about it. 

—Woah, tell me there isn't someone else involved in this?

—No, Er! That's not what I mean and, hey, I don't spend my time flirting with everyone! —he said with a light tap on his friend's shoulder— No, it's, it's about Kai. It's all good, don't worry, but, well, I think things between us have sort of escalated, you know?

—Oh! Oh my god? —she exclaimed, her hands covering her mouth and the huge grin on her face. That just made her best friend smile in the same way, his cheeks suddenly feeling a lot warmer—. That happened...?

—Yesterday. Exactly yesterday. 

—Oh, God, Mason! Did you guys...? Okay, well, uh, you need to leave right now, I understand. Well, then, uh...

—I'll tell you when training is over... Oh, no, forget it, I think I'd better tell you about it at the party.

—I'm not even invited —she whimpered.

—Of course you are! Kepa told us all that we can bring our partners.

—You should bring Kai then! Or Aisha Noor...

—I'll take you —he assured her with a smile, one hand on her shoulder as he slung his suitcase over on his—. I'm sure your parents would love it if your boyfriend was to invite you —he said teasingly.

Erin huffed, rolling her eyes at the same time.

—What time is everything supposed to start, huh?

—I'll pick you up at seven, okay? —He said, speaking through the car window, from where he'd already emerged.

—Oh, and in whose car will that be?

—Ben will lend me his car. Don't worry, I've got it all under control, just bring your presence—he winked—. I'll see you in a bit.

He could barely hear Erin groaning, a distant ''Oh, don't wink at me like you wink at your girls, you piece of...'' that had made him laugh as he ran inside the training centre.

Having known ahead of time that Kai wouldn't be attending the party, he was more than relieved to know that he wouldn't be alone there, and that perhaps, if things didn't start to work out, Erin could offer him some comfort and a nearby presence to drink with in disappointment.

He didn't want to consider the possibility of that happening, but he had to plan for it.

He picked up his pace even more as he reached the locker room, where he was able to get dressed in record time to head out to where his teammates had started practice a little over an hour ago. It was obvious that his presence would draw the attention of the entire team, but to tell the truth, most of them had dealt with it calmly, although he hadn't been spared from his coach catching his eye a few minutes later to talk in private, once the rest of the teammates had begun to move on to other activities.

Mason and Trevoh had already spent a few minutes working on team passes and talking about what had happened the night before. He was trying to evade questions about the long time he had been away from the rest and the time he had spent in the bathroom. Of course, he had no doubt that they had an imagination that filled in rather vaguely what he had done in that time.

—...Hey, at least you looked a lot better when you came back from the bathroom, huh.

—Uh, yeah, well, sort of. I just, I just wet my face a little bit and that's all, really....

—And that's it?

—Yeah, yeah, uh, well, and did you guys have a good time? I saw some radioactive looking drinks on your table.

—Hey, but what about... 

—Oh, wait, I think Tuchel's calling me... 

—Lucky you, bro —Trevoh whispered jokingly to his teammate, once the manager walked past them and discreetly signalled to Mount—. Good luck with that.

He approached stealthily away from the rest of the team, trying not to draw too much attention to himself. The German was already waiting for him by a pile of balls a few metres away from the rest of the team. 

—Boss —he made a friendly shake of his hand. He knew he would ask him the reason for being over an hour late for training and he was ready to take responsibility for it: all he could ask for was the hope that it wouldn't have too high a consequence for his starting place the following weekend— How is it going?

—I was going to ask you the same thing, Mason. Well, before anything else, is everything all right?

—Yeah, yeah! Absolutely, everything's fine, don't worry. 

—Well, then I want to ask, why were you an hour and seventeen minutes late for practice today? I know you and the guys went out last night to some sort of disco or party or something, but... none of your teammates were late —he explained, arms folded across his chest.

—Uh, well... wow. Actually, I have no excuse —he sighed, then shrugged his shoulders—. It's true, we went out and I slept late....

—And you didn't get up early. Do you have an alarm, Mason?

—Yeah, yeah! I do, actually I have three, and, and I'm usually up long before I leave the house, it's just... I don't know, I have no idea why I had such a hard time waking up today. I'm sorry, boss, I want to make it clear that none of this is an excuse, I know it's my responsibility, but I just want you to know that this doesn't happen often, well, you...

—I know you, Mason, I know. Since I joined this team, this has never happened with you before, not even when... Well, that's not the important thing: the important thing is that, yes, I was surprised that you were late and I didn't want to let this go without us talking about it. You know the team is in a good moment, and if things go really well in the next few games, after the international break we can even get into the top four. It matters a lot that no one loses concentration at this moment, you surely understand that.

—I totally understand, boss, and I assure you that this will not happen again. You know me well and you know that I am very grateful for all the opportunities and I am one hundred percent committed to the team.

Thomas Tuchel looked him square in the face, hands on hips. It seemed then that the tactic of holding his gaze with a mixture of seriousness and regret that begged for a polite response had worked.

—All right. Don't worry, this is no preach, so I just want you to remember how committed we all are to this, all right?

—Totally, boss. And I'm sorry, again, I know how important it is.

—All right, Mase. I hope it doesn't happen again, that's all —he nodded, squeezing his shoulder with the palm of his hand—. I'm glad, though, it looks like you really enjoyed yourself last night, eh? I'm glad you did, you deserve it —he patted her back, meeting Mason's surprised gaze.

—Huh?

—With the girl. She's cute, from what I hear from your teammates.

—Uh, well, actually we're just... friends. Friends, only. 

—Ah, Mason, I was your age, too, and I had "friends." So many friends —he laughed. Mason reciprocated the gesture, albeit much more nervously—. Come on, let's get to work now. 

The expression on his face was only part of how strange he found the situation, and even more so to confirm that his teammates had definitely speculated about the whole situation with Aisha. The photo probably already had the ''like'' of the whole team by that point, though it wasn't the opinion or conversation of all of themt hat seemed relevant in his mind, but that of just one: Kai.

He had barely greeted him on arrival, having immediately joined in the exercises with the rest of his teammates, among whom Havertz, as usual, teamed up with his compatriots. They had had no other contact except for his insistent glances, which Kai barely noticed, and the one time when he had actually responded, nodding sympathetically with a smile. Of course, he hadn't expected him to run to him to hug and kiss him as if his life depended on it, like the night before, but he really wished he had arrived much earlier, to at least greet him in private, at least have a discreet hug to remind him of his scent and the feeling of being so close to his chest and hearing his heartbeat, as he had less than twenty—four hours ago. 

Instead, the couple of times they had gotten close during training, any attempt at conversation was met with comments from those of his teammates who had been with them the night before at the club, talking about everything that had happened and their plans for that night at the team's goalie party.

Of course, there was also no end to the references or insinuations towards him regarding the girl from the day before, to which he could only smile uncomfortably and hope that Kai didn't make an equally uncomfortable gesture for the same reasons. 

That was a worry and a feeling he couldn't shake from his mind as, as the training progressed, it became increasingly apparent to Mason that the subject of his new friendship with Aisha had definitely become a topic of conversation with his teammates, and even the coaching staff.

As the day went on, Mason looked for an opportunity to get closer to Havertz, who by that point, with training coming to an end, had gone from simply ignoring it all at first to even laughing a little at the others' comments to Mason. Or at least to pretending to laugh.

—Hey —Mount called out to him, walking off the field towards the locker room once practice was over. Kai hadn't seemed interested in coming over to talk, and that wasn't unusual for his routine, but he wanted to start changing things up, especially after what had happened the night before.

—Hey, Mase.

—Hey, how did you sleep?

—Uh... fine. Pretty uneventful —he smiled—. Thanks for asking.

—Oh... Well, I had a little more trouble falling asleep and all. 

—You sound worried.

—No, no. Actually, I'm more kind of sorry. I, uh, I was wondering if we could talk for a minute.

—Sure, why not?

It was Kai's usual mood. He seemed so calm it was almost as if they weren't even on the same channel, and Mason didn't know how much that relieved or worried him, because even though they walked together in silence to a slightly more secluded spot, it didn't feel like any kind of intimacy. Much less the one he would have expected to feel after what had happened between them the night before and the way it had taken Havertz so long to say goodbye to him and let go of his arms as he left. 

—Well, I'm listening — the younger man smiled. The serenity on his face implied that he was apparently not at all upset.

—Uh, well, I... I... I didn't really plan on how to say this. I mean, it's about... well, the whole thing last night... you know, about...

—Oh. I mean, it was good for you, right?

—Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure! Totally, it was, it was all uh, I think, even though it was all so sudden, it was, it was really nice. It felt really good —he smiled apologetically. Probably by that point his face was definitely flushed—. You... it's all right for you too?

—Yes, of course. I had a good time, it was fun —he shrugged with a smile. I think we should do it again.

Mason felt his heart leap out of his chest, his cheeks probably like a traffic light. And despite remembering how nervous Kai had been the night before and how hard it had been for him to express his feelings, maybe a good night's sleep was all he needed to get him through the night.

It was Kai's usual mood. He seemed so calm that it was almost as if they weren't even on the same channel, and Mason didn't know how to feel about it, though perhaps now it was he himself who was feeling more nervous about it. 

Kai really was someone who muddled his mind like no one else.

—Oh, wow. Well, yeah, sure, I'd love to, I... Well, I didn't expect that, you know, you'd be so calm.

Kai laughed lightly and Mason couldn't help but do the same, because Kai's hands inside his pockets made him look so sure of everything that Mason just knew that, in another place and time, he would have, without hesitation, moved in for a kiss right then, had he ignored the fact that probably every gardener in the club was watching them, wondering what they were doing talking alone and giggling like idiots in the middle of a garden.

—I think I'm surprised that you believe certain... particular things about me, frequently. 

Mason smiled ruefully.

—Maybe it's just you being German, isn't it? 

—Maybe, but I don't think I'm that weird, you know? And well, I'm not going to lie to you, I find all this kind of strange.

—No, no, I understand it, uh, it just so happens that... I, I actually wanted to talk to you rather about, uh, well, you know this situation today, everyone's talking about me and...

—The girl from the club yesterday. 

—Yeah, she, uh, I mean, I just wanted to make it clear that she and I met yesterday and, believe it or not, I remember everything very well —he explained slightly more nervously than he would have liked—. I'm sure we just danced, and that was it. Absolutely nothing else happened between us.

Kai stood with his arms crossed in front of him, his expression more confused than doubtful. 

—Hm, well... that's good, I guess?

—What do you mean?

—I mean, I think the others think that more things happened, but, if that bothers you or something, I could...

—No, no. I mean, sure it's a bit awkward but, actually, no, it's not that relevant to me what other people think, I just... I just want to know if it's awkward for you.

—For me? —he asked, one eyebrow raised in bewilderment— Well, no, no. Actually, if I'm being honest, it's not... uh, Relevant to me?

—It doesn't bother you?

—No. Not at all. Why would it? 

The silence that followed was probably why answering felt even more awkward.

—Oh. Well, that's... nice, I think —he said, scratching the back of his neck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Now I probably look paranoid.— I mean, I'm, I'm glad. I don't know, I just thought maybe it would be necessary to talk about it, you know, in case, uh, you know…

—I think I don't —he shrugged, with an almost amused smile at that—. I'm actually even a little confused, if I'm honest, Mason.

—Well, now I feel kind of silly for asking —he admitted, though a relieved smile escaped his lips—. It's just that you're always... you're a confusing mind, Kai.

Havertz responded to his words with a rather honest gesture of surprise. His arms still crossed over his chest, he shifted to his hip. The late afternoon sun was still over both players, and it was shining down on the clouds that crossed the sky; the taller one's eyes, then, were straining to avoid the glare and so seemed to examine Mount more closely.

By this point, the whole conversation even felt unnecessary, and while it was an improvement to be able to talk alone, the fact that Kai now seemed so much calmer and more confident than he did made him feel somewhat puzzled: Kai could be as vulnerable as he was confident, as fearful as he was bold, and it all seemed to coalesce into a kind of naivety that he couldn't believe was at once such a mature and wise person.

Quite an enigma, Kai.

—No more than you are to me, Mason —he assured him with a smile. The younger man patted his shoulder amicably, and remembering the touch of his hands less than twenty four hours ago on his couch seemed even ironic. 

But Kai had said nothing more, and as usual, the questions lingered in his mind and seemed to get trapped in a perfectly constructed barrier between the two of them. A barrier that wasn't permanent, wasn't there all the time, but stopped them when the sun shone and faded as the evening set. A barrier that whether allowing him through to Kai or shutting the gates in his face, made him feel so far away or so close to him that it didn't allow his heart to feel other than obsessed and curious. And perhaps a little addicted to that thrill, to that constant sense of risk in being together, and having now experienced his caresses, his kisses, the warmth of his skin and the contrast with the apparent distance between them made his heartbeat quicken like a marathon race for miles. 

—Hey, Kai! —he called out, trotting to catch up with him once he'd gone ahead towards the locker room.

—Hm? 

His elusive look was classic to his personality by now. 

—I'll see you in a bit?

—At Kepa's party?

—Yeah. Well, I know you said you had an early appointment tomorrow morning, but, well, maybe for a little while.

—Uh, well, I'd like to, but I'd really hate to wake up the next day without a decent rest —he laughed.

—Well, you didn't have any trouble waking up early today. 

—Yeah, well, I mean, that's exactly why I couldn't do it two days in a row. I slept a little late last night, but not too late.

—Are you kidding? I think you underestimate the clock a little bit. It was probably three in the morning when you went home.

—Huh? No, I don't think so. I'm sure it was a lot earlier —he laughed— but either way, I couldn't possibly stay up late again today, I need at least eight hours to function properly. 

—You must be joking —he smiled, and he didn't really understand exactly why he was doing that—. Well, I hope you get some rest then. It will be a bit unusual not to see you tonight.

—I'm sure there will be other nights, on more opportune days —he said.

—Anyway, if at any point you change your minda bout it, let me know, okay? 

—Uh, yeah, sure. Sure, I will.

There was an awkward exchange of glances in which they both hesitated over what to do to say goodbye, culminating in an awkward, short hug. 

It was a bizarre feeling, one he didn't quite know how to describe, but he had a strong feeling that despite all the confessions of the night before, there was so much to ask him and so much to still know about Kai.

 —No, that one's awful.

—Are you serious, Er? You didn't like their new album?

—I just think I expected more, you know?

—Hold on, there's a song I think you'll like. 

Mason was the one driving the car, so he had to jump between songs for a few seconds to find the song he was hoping to show Erin. In fact, after all, he'd gotten Ben to agree to lend him his car for the night, on the firm condition that he wouldn't drink any alcohol. 

And the truth was, he hadn't really intended to. When he had woken up that morning, he had expected his desire to go out and have fun that night to increase as the day wore on, but what had really increased was the tiredness of the previous day. Maybe he really had danced a lot more than he remembered, maybe the emotions and stress of it all had left him exhausted, maybe just everything that had been released in having sex again after so long without it had taken all the energy out of his body, but despite having had a sleep that night so deep it had almost seemed imprisoning, the tiredness still didn't leave his body completely, and he hoped he could get home at a decent hour with the sole intention of being able to get some more sleep.

There wasn't much he wanted to do anyway, other than try to get some interest from his teammates in the damn beach house. 

—So, Kai won't be there, will he? 

—No, apparently not. Well, like I said, he made it pretty clear when we talked that he had no intention of coming. I don't blame him —he shrugged.

—You don't blame him for walking into your flat like it was his own, mate —Erin joked—. I mean, well, at least now you really know that the two of you are in love and will be living together next season, right?

—Yeah, that was a big relief —he smiled— Although I still don't really know what we're going to do now. I mean, we talked about it yesterday, and I think it's pretty clear that we both feel the same way about each other, it's just that he seems really scared about it, or at least he seemed scared yesterday. Today, when we talked, he sounded much more relaxed, indeed even more so than I did. He told me he wanted to do it again soon.

—Oh my God —she laughed mischievously —So you really did give him good sex?

—Erin! 

—Hey, I'm just drawing conclusions! Sounds like you two had a good time, but, hey, so... what did he say about basically acting like a stranger when you're in public?

—Uh... well, about, um, actually... Nothing.

—He didn't answer the question?! Not at all?

—No, no, it's just that I, I... well... I didn't actually ask —he said more quietly. 

—Huh? Mason! 

—What?!

—Are you kidding me?! Now you've literally had sex and you still don't know why he's acting like a total stranger with you?

—Well, it's not exactly what I was thinking about at the time, you know?

She seemed to consider it before she spoke.

—Well... right. But, hey, I think if there's a time to talk it could definitely be now.

—Yeah, well, I'm sure it can't be today, and maybe not tomorrow either, since I'm not going to see him tonight and we'll probably be home late, but maybe I can ask him tomorrow night.

—Well, you better hurry up, huh? The international break is around the corner.

—Really? 

—International break starts this week and the rosters have been published in the last few days. Players are supposed to leave during the week, that's why we'll all play before Friday.

—Oh, shit... Well, I mean, I haven't asked him if he knows if he'll be called up. And he hasn't said anything to me about it either. I guess, if he was called up, it's news he would have been excited to tell me.

—If I were you, I'd ask, mate. Two of Germany's strikers are injured, if I remember correctly, so I think he might as well be in the roster for his national team.

—Uh, yeah, I just... I don't know, I kind of doubt that if he'd been called up he wouldn't have mentioned anything to me.

—Well, like you said, maybe it just wasn't what he was thinking about at the time —she replied, applying a light shade of lipstick in front of her reflection in the side mirror.

Mason tightened his lips involuntarily. The streetlights passed quickly by them one after the other, accelerating gently as they climbed that same elevated stretch of highway where not long ago he had ridden, in that same car, with Kai in the seat next to him. That day, his very presence, his silence, had completely overshadowed that view he loved so much, the city at dusk with all its lights and all that frenetic pace of fast life that only a metropolis like London could make him feel.

But what Kai made him feel was completely different. It was something he could never find in an experience or in another person. It was something he didn't even know he could feel until before he met him, that day when, despite their awkward first interaction, the look, through those mirror like blue eyes reflecting the depth of the sky, he had entered through him, as if piercing all barriers to him and forming a connection so strong with his soul.

We are like a pair of souls joined by a cord, one so strong that it cannot even be described, I cannot imagine it, I cannot explain it.

How is it that I know I can be safe with you, Kai?

I know, but... Why do I feel this?

—Is everything okay? 

—Huh? Yeah, yeah. Why?

—You were quiet for a long moment. Is everything okay, mate? 

—Yeah, sure, yeah, everything's fine. Really —he assured her with a half—smile—. So, what do you think of this album?

They kept the conversation much simpler until they arrived at the house where the event was being held, however, that nervous feeling of knowing he had such a big task that night didn't quite leave Mason comfortable, his thoughts lingered, and continued the whole time since arriving at the party, greeting all his teammates, leaning on Erin to socialise more easily and getting into conversations with people who, in some cases, he had never seen before. 

Somehow, everything was so much easier when the rest of his teammates still felt some sort of responsibility to him. It was awkward to notice, but at times, he felt as if his teammates now perceived him as a person they had to take care of, as a child who had been through such a traumatic experience that now, at events like this, everyone wanted to make sure he was comfortable, to ask him with a frequency just bordering on the decorous if he was having a good time, to make sure he felt integrated into everything. He didn't want to discourage that attention, he wasn't going to, because at the time it was actually more useful to him, but he also didn't enjoy having all that kind of special treatment.

At the end of the day, it was an extremely positive thing that, thanks to this, he was able to hang out with friends and a few new ones he might not have had otherwise. And they were exactly the kind of conversations he needed: those in which they initially asked about his life, talked about trivial matters, and then he had to mention, as quickly as he could to avoid remembering too much, the passing of his father, and after that talk, in as casual a tone as he could, about that beautiful, beautiful, beach house on the English coast that would remain unused and which he would seek to sell. The answers he had found on the subject were mixed, and if the advisers were right about anything, it was that nobody was looking for a beach house at the moment; most of the people he had spoken to had done little more than wish him luck with the sale. A couple of them had also enquired a bit more, about what the house was like, where exactly it was located, the landscape around it and even one of Arrizabalaga's former colleagues had taken the time to discreetly ask about the possible price he would be seeking, although he suspected it was more of a whim of his girlfriend. 

In any case, he had not obtained a concrete result. Within a couple of hours of arriving, he had headed back to Erin's side to get a couple more of the non-alcoholic piña coladas for himself and those delicious Basque canapés they had been greeted with. After all, Kepa hadn't lied, his girlfriend had probably hired a wonderful chef that night, but the pulpos and langostinos weren't enough to make him feel a little less frustrated with the way the evening was progressing. 

Everyone around him seemed to be having a great time, and while he wasn't particularly unhappy, he wasn't particularly enjoying himself either. While most people came up to say hello and seemed genuinely interested in including him in chats, even making him dance at some point, the space where he had felt much more comfortable and having a rather easier time was getting away from the hustle and bustle, grabbing some snacks and sitting on the soft outdoor couches with Erin, Sam and her girlfriend Kristie, who sat discussing their travel plans for the year and enjoying the view in the huge garden in front of them, where most of the guests danced and hung around. There were also a couple of other girls there, probably friends of the couple, whom he didn't know very well, but who didn't hesitate to make friendly conversation with him as if they had known him for a lifetime: the truth was that feeling included and comfortable around a group of women was one of those things he'd never had the chance to experience growing up, because life in Chelsea was all about the team, but he liked the feeling. 

They seemed to appreciate his presence, too. Sam and Kristie knew about what had happened to his father, about the depression that had shut down his life in the months after he died, and so they were extremely attentive to him when they had the chance to spend time together, but their friends didn't. They knew absolutely nothing about it. They had absolutely no idea about his life, they had no expectation, they had no pre—judgement, they had no need to feel compassion for him and that was refreshing and enjoyable. In that place, in that space, he could simply act as if the most shattering event of his life had not happened about half a year ago, and that felt so good that for a moment he had wished for that to be his reality: to be able to move on in a new life where no one could remember his past. 

But he also had to give them some space, after all, he supposed he was meant to be getting prospects on the property, his main purpose that night, though it wasn't what he wanted to do frankly. Not too keen on it, he got up from the table, apologising to the girls and excusing himself to go get some more snacks from the central table inside the house, determined to get closer to where Kepa was with the other Spanish guys. 

He walked inside through the hallway in the middle of the garden, greeting a couple of English people he knew on the way, and slowly noticed a small fountain that adorned the outside view of the house. The façade of the house was clearly that of the residence of a young goalkeeper with the highest salary in the entire team: three levels, huge windows, rooms decorated in a sober and modern manner, balconies of carved dark stone and clear glass, the main doors open to reveal a double staircase to the interior. Despite having a place of his own to live, his flat was hardly comparable to Kepa's house, and Arrizabalaga's salary was nowhere near what he was getting as a young academy boy promoted to Chelsea's first team who had not yet renewed his contract to receive his current market value.

Shit... that's something my father would have encouraged me to fight for. That's something my dad would have stood with me to do. 

And he wished he had been there for it, but it was one of many problems on his life's to-do list, one that was well behind more urgent things, like making sure his mother was safe. He came close to approaching his teammate, along with the rest of those who accompanied him, but something inside him didn't feel like he had the social energy to tackle the task, to get back to doing what he'd been doing since arriving, and though the upbeat music and light drinks in everyone's hands made things seem easier, he suddenly didn't feel ready for it.

I need a break. I need it.

 —Mason! —Kepa called out to him, seeing him close behind the double door frame. 

—Huh?

—How are you? Are you having a good time?

—Ah, well... actually, I'm feeling a bit dizzy.

—I see —he remarked, getting up from his place to approach him— Are you ok?

—Yeah, yeah, it's OK, I mean, I just think I need a glass of water.

—Yes, of course, I see —he nodded, a slightly worried look on his face—. Well, my kitchen is down that corridor, at the back. You can get a glass of water, there's ice in the fridge and whatever else you need, and you can use the back porch if you need to get some air.

—Wow, thank you. Thank you, I really appreciate it.

—Don't worry, take your time — he smiled at him. 

He walked through the hallway, the music of the speakers piercing through and vibrating on the walls, as his mind asked for some quiet after two nights where the social interaction with other people had been so intense. He couldn't even imagine how months ago he could go out to parties on a regular basis, but he supposed he just had to get used to it again, if he wanted to get back to that kind of social life. 

He didn't even really think about whether he needed anything else from the kitchen. He took a glass of water and preferred to skip the ice for another time, since the temperature had dropped a few hours ago, and as he stepped out onto the back porch, his arms felt slightly the cold wind that foretold a cold October and a freezing November to come. The back garden was empty, somewhat dark, and that allowed him a breath of genuine peace and quiet. There were a couple of hanging chairs next to a tea table, but he didn't want to feel like he was invading Kepa's space, so he preferred to sit on the steps leading down to the garden lawn. 

He drank some water and looked up at the moon: its light that night was such that there was almost no need for the house’s lighting to get a perfect view of the corners of the back garden, not too vast, as the front garden was much more colourful, but just enough to be entertained by the occasional sunset that the hill on which the house was situated allowed him to see.

He decided to concentrate on the paths that some vines had formed on the back wall to grow: Jack had once taught him to concentrate on patterns when he began to feel anxious around too many people, so even though he was alone now, he knew he needed to feel much more composed to go back inside. He began to analyse the edge of the wall, the texture of it at the top, the rock finish at the bottom, rocks of different colours and sizes, surely artificial, letting those vines grow on them, and there, where the rocks touched the lawn of the garden and next to the bushes, a shiver like getting a bucket of cold water came over him when he saw him. Standing still, and staring at him in silence.

He felt his heart skip a beat. 

Chapter Text

I'm either completely crazy or completely in love. He thought, still unsure if he was seeing an illusion.

—Hey, Mase —he gestured as he confirmed that Mount was finally spotting him, suddenly rising from the bushes to run towards him.

—Shit! —he exclaimed, jumping out of his seat in shock— Oh my God, Kai! Shit, you need to stop doing that! I don't know if you understand, but you can't go into people's houses like that!

—But Kepa invited me. 

—But you gotta enter through the door, say hello! Like a normal person!

—Oh... I'm joking, Mase —he smiled— I entered through the door, I'm just playing with you.

—God... you scared me half to death. Hiding in the bloody bushes, for God's sake... That's two nights in a row you've scared me half to death, Kai —he warned with a hand on his chest. 

—I'm sorry —he said, still laughing—. I guess you don't look happy to see me. I missed that.

—Don't be silly, It's just that I was on the verge of running away. Well, and it's a surprise, I mean, what are you doing here?

—Uh, I just... I decided to pop in here for a bit. 

—But... You told me you weren't coming. I mean, you said it several times.

—I know.

—And yet this morning you said it again.

—I know. 

—I mean... You sounded really sure about it. 

—Yeah, I didn't plan on coming here, and the truth is, I did it because I wanted to see you. I just wanted to see you, and even though I know I shouldn't have come here... I really wanted to see you.

He smiled, because it made him feel flattered, but he couldn't completely erase from his mind the fact that that kind of thing was very common with Kai: saying something and doing the opposite, changing his mind from one moment to the next, acting one way and then another. He wondered if he was being too hard on him about something that didn't really affect him either, and wondered if seeing it that way was perhaps a way of making excuses for him and thus allowing himself to be carried away by how truly happy he was to see him. 

—So you decided to come. 

—It was a last minute thing.

—You were very serious about your appointment at HMRC tomorrow... 

—Are you jealous of HMRC? 

—No, I'm not! 

—No, I mean, no, I... not in that way, I'm not jealous of HRMC, it's just... I'm not going to lie, I mean —he said, with a rueful laugh— I know taxes and stuff are a big deal, but I… really wanted you to sacrifice a little sleep for me.

Kai had to laugh at that too, but it wasn't in a mocking way, more of a heartfelt one.

—Well, I did, here I am. And I've done it for lots of nights, now —he smiled at him.

—I'm really glad you did. I'm glad you're here, because I wanted to see you too.

—Did you miss me?

—Yeah, sure —he rolled his eyes—. I saw you this morning, and I must say I was worried about how you'd react and all....

—I'm sorry if it was weird. If I was weird.

—You always are, but that doesn't make me... like you any less —he sighed—. Uh, well, and so... —he cleared his throat, with some embarrassment— We're good, right?

—About what?

—Well, uh, we had sex last night.

Kai looked straight ahead, at the wall that separated Kepa's house from the outside, the night and the silhouette of London, and despite that, he could immediately notice the change in his gaze.

A smile as big as that night's full moon, hidden behind the clouds, adorned his face. Kai was barely blushing, but, on the contrary, he looked proud and happy to remember the fact. He let out a small chuckle before nodding at that statement.

—Uh-huh.

—Are you happy about it? Did you like it? —he asked in a teasing tone, making him laugh louder.

—Yes, yes. Yes to both.

—You look very happy —Mason smiled.

—I am. 

—You didn't look like that this morning when I talked to you. I mean, I... well, you know, sometimes I just wonder the reason for that.

—For what? 

—You know, I mean, when we're together you're like... like this, but then I talk to you and it's like we barely know each other. And I mean, it's probably not just from your side, I think sometimes I feel a different connection with you too when we're not alone like now, but... I don't know how to explain it.

Kai flashed him a half smile, still embarrassed enough to look at the ground and not at his eyes, but not avoiding the subject at all. In fact, he seemed interested in it.

—Do you feel that way too?

—Yes, definitely. I know that when I talk to you, in other contexts, sometimes it feels like I can't approach you like I would now. I don't know what's stopping me. 

—I don't blame you. I get it, and it's, it's something I wish would stop being like that.

—It sounds so simple just to say "Hey, let's change it then," but to imagine it, to really imagine bringing what we've built privately into a public thing just seems.... I don't even know how we would explain that out of the blue we're best friends. 

—It doesn't have to be out of the blue. Ideally, we could just take our time developing it. That's what in my mind would happen eventually, though I'm always... always afraid that we might not have enough time —he said, and he seemed suddenly serious.

—Well, that would be up to us, wouldn't it? 

Kai didn't answer that in words. He responded by moving closer to him over where they were sitting, leaning his body against Mason's, as if he could actually rely his weight on him, rely any weight on him, and Mason knew that those things burdened Kai overwhelmingly, but he also knew it was only fair to give him the comfort he'd always received reciprocally. Kai hid half of his face in Mason's chest. His eyes closed and his breathing calming, while the older man's only quickened. He wrapped one of his arms around him, and without even thinking about it, gently brushed a couple of curls away from his face to press a kiss to his forehead.

—Oh... —said the German.

—Is that okay?

—Yes.

He had no idea if saying more was something he had to do, because there was a certain nervousness in finally sharing that kind of moments with Kai, something that, though he had longed for, he had never really expected to actually do. 

Feeling the same things he'd felt before for girls shouldn't feel so different when it came to someone the same gender as him, and yet, hell, it was. He felt a lot more embarrassed, a lot more nervous, and every action made him feel like his heart was about to burst out of his chest. 

—Kai... Is this a new thing for you, too?

Havertz shrugged.

—Have you ever felt that something new feels like it isn't? 

—As if things were meant to be this way? 

—Not really, I mean… sometimes I feel like being with you is exactly what I was meant to do, but at the same time... I can't get it out of my mind that it doesn't feel like the first time this has happened.

—You mean... You've been in love with another man before?

—Well, I… I remember this boy, in Germany. I remember how it felt, and it was like having someone else's heart in my hands to take care of. And I know he was cute, I remember his eyes were baby blue. 

—Like yours.

—Yeah, but blond. I mean, I remember what it was like, it felt good. Although... I'm not sure I fell in love with him.

—How come? I mean, only if you're comfortable talking about it.

—I don't think I can. Even if I wanted to, I think I forgot about it when I met you, Mase. And I'm dead serious.

Mount's cheeks reddened much more noticeably thanks to the low temperature that night. He swallowed, unsure of how to proceed.

—Well, I... I think that's fine. I don't mind knowing that there were things going on with that guy. It's fine, and I appreciate that you can tell me about these things and it's no big deal, and that it's that way for you too. I felt kind of stupid when I talked to you about Aisha... —he said, laughing slightly— And even though we talked about it, I just, I just wanted to make it clear that there's nothing going on between us. I mean, I met her, we danced, and she's a lovely girl, but that's all about it.

—You danced last night. There's nothing wrong with that —he assured calmly—. Do you think she's cute?

—I think you're cuter —he smiled.

—You are too, but she's cute, and she's a nice person, isn't she?

—Yeah, well, I mean... I guess she is. Like I said, she's lovely, but at the moment for me you...

—No, no, it's okay, I know, just... She seems to be a fun girl. Don't distance yourself from her. I do think you two should be friends. She's great and you'll get along. I know it.

—What do you mean? —Why?

—Don't try to understand, don't worry. It's okay. Just promise me you'll send her a text later, okay? —he asked, looking him in the eye as he took his hands in his own. Though puzzled, Mason could feel the colour in his cheeks change at the action, at having him so close, and at knowing that his control of his body at that moment wouldn't be the best.

—Yeah, okay, fine, but... it's not romantic at all —he clarified—. I mean, I want it to be clear that when I said this yesterday, it was completely sincere: I am completely, totally, and sincerely in love with you. I think it wasn't the best way to handle how I felt, and I'm sorry, but... I certainly approached her yesterday basically because I felt angry, because I felt ignored by you.

—And I'm truly sorry for that. I'm really, really sorry. I understand you and you don't have to explain anything to me about it, I'm sorry too. 

—It's really good to know that this is for real, you know? I did have these doubts about everything at times, but you've said now that you're in love with me, and I'm in love with you.

—And it's true. It's the whole truth, it's the only thing I know completely and for sure. Mason, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, all right? I love you. It's the most real thing I've ever felt, it's the only thing I really know.

—I love you too. And... I know you care a lot about everything around this, I know because you sound worried and because you were about to cry when we talked about it. I know it's hard for you, but I'm scared too, I just... I think we can make it, get through this whole hell together.

—We were made for each other, that's for sure. I know I was made for you completely, I really do.

Mason smiled. He couldn't help a small chuckle at his words, because he could finally breathe every time he heard him confirm everything he felt for him, the reciprocity of that love they had built so gradually and had taken so much from his heart now. Feeling that it was all worth it was a relief he couldn't even explain.

—I couldn't say the same. Honestly, I never expected to feel this way about someone, I think... I always heard all these stories of people who felt such a deep connection, who just knew, I never felt that. I dated so many girls, I fell in love with so many people, but I never understood how those relationships were different from a friendship that you can kiss, you know? With you I found out why it's different.

—And why is it?

—Because I could never be just your friend. I could never feel with you the way I felt with all the people before, with you everything was different. For the first time I experienced what it's like to feel really in love, completely in love, wholeheartedly, sincerely, respectfully and absolutely sure of it. That kind of strong love is something I thought didn't exist, outside of my family, and after losing my father, I... I thought there was a hole in my heart that would never let me feel love again, let alone that true love that everyone talked about, but now, with you in my life, I know it's not about filling a missing part, but a different kind of love, that didn't even have to look for a place to fit in, it just grew naturally. That must mean something.

—It does. It does mean something. You and I have something unique, something that will never be repeated, and I know it. So there's nothing to explain to me, I'm in love with you too. You know that. I know how you feel about me, and you know how I feel about you. I know you, Mase, you don't have to explain anything.

—You know? I... I know you too, in so many ways. But still sometimes you seem like such a weird person to me —he laughed—. You're the weirdest person I know, though I like that too.

—Believe me, I wish I could explain it too, but it's not easy. 

—I don't understand, it's true. But... I don't think it would be impossible for me to understand anything, anything you have to explain.

—Well, for now, I just wanted to see you —he smiled—. That's all, I know it's strange, I know I am and everything I do probably seems strange, but the answer at the moment is just that I really wanted to see you and I couldn't stop myself from doing it. I wanted to see you, to be here with you tonight, and to know that everything that happened yesterday really happened.

Mason smiled. In his previous relationships, all of them with girls, he had never met someone who would go to such lengths to see him, to be with him for even a few minutes and make such an effort for him. It was a cultural thing, that girls usually didn't have to do that kind of thing for guys, and it wasn't anyone's fault, but to be in a different position, where the other person made him feel like anything was worth it to be together, was something that felt good. 

It felt really good. 

—Does it feel like a dream to you too?

—I wish I could live it all over again.

—You talk like we don't have a lifetime for it. Like you can't live it all over again at any moment —he said, a laugh coming from his lips far more nervous than he'd expected.

—It feels like that to me.

He kissed him without even thinking about it. The older one didn't think about anything else at all, because seeing that concern in Kai's eyes as he talked about how much he loved him made him want to protect him from everything he feared, to reassure him that they could make it together, that he didn't have to even think about hesitating about being together.

Seeing Havertz's eyes slowly open as the two of them pulled away after that kiss was the image he wanted to see for the rest of his life.

—We have a whole life. Don't doubt it. Don't doubt it for a moment, if you feel the same way I do. 

—That was nice —smiled the younger boy—. Your lips feel like heaven.

—And to think you resisted so long before you could kiss them —he teased, before dropping another short kiss on his mouth—. And now you'll get little sleep for doing so.

—What do you mean by that? —he grinned mischievously.

Mason had actually been referring to the fact that he'd changed his plans just to go to Kepa's place to see him, he hadn't even thought that sentence could have had a more suggestive meaning, but it was true that the night before they'd slept little after devoting enough time to their desires.

The memory of it made his cheeks burn, much more so being so close to Kai. 

—Well, uh I, actually I meant, I meant... Well, I meant that you have an important appointment tomorrow and you said you'd wake up early, so....

He gulped, trying hard not to look away with that nervous smile: because suddenly, the closeness between the two of them was more than romantic, the gaze they shared was one that avoided their attraction to each other's body for no reason, the arm they both leaned on was the same and that made them lean into each other.

His eyes kept meeting his lips and then his eyes, and then back to his lips, and then back to his eyes, and he knew Kai could tell. He knew it by the way the pink of his lower lip moistened with his tongue as he hesitated to say what he wanted to say.

—Mase... Can you kiss me again?

—Huh?

—I want to feel it again.

It wasn't even a question he needed to hesitate, he had nothing to think about, because it was what he wanted and needed too, and maybe it was a coincidence the way Kai had arranged the words to say it, but he found it so irresistible to unhesitatingly take his wrist to pull him closer and bring their lips together once and for all.

He had pulled Kai closer to him by grabbing his wrist, but just a second later, the German himself had grabbed the back of his neck so that he could kiss him much more deeply, more than just a touch of lips as shyly as he would have expected.

So he understood what Havertz meant, understood what exactly it was he wanted to feel again, and despite the tiredness of the night, despite having been so overwhelmed by socialising more than usual, being with him alone was healing, so he couldn't and wouldn't deny it. He wasn't going to stop him and he was going to give him exactly what he was needing, because he had really missed having someone so close. 

He held him close as he kissed him, nuzzled the back of his neck and leaned almost into him, but not in an aggressive way, not in an overly passionate way, just the way their bodies were asking to feel. It was exactly the way they both needed it, and at times it even felt like Kai could read his mind, know in advance what he wanted: the younger man moved to his side, on his knees on the porch so he could be a little more on top of him that way, cupping his face with both hands as his tongue teased his, blowing their minds at the feel of it.

One of his arms helped support him on the floor he was sitting on, slightly leaning back, his feet swaying on the edge of the porch, while his free hand, which first rested carefully on Kai's shoulder, now began a path down his back, enjoying the sensation of his body being willing to be touched, of the way Havertz moved being an almost explicit invitation for his palm to caress more of him and to do so at his will. It was driving him crazy, because just as he had invited him by guiding his hand to feel his lower back, ass and thighs, the moment Mason had taken the initiative to start fondling between them he had also gotten confirmation of his consent; an attempt to silence the moaning over his lips and the younger man's legs opening almost automatically.

—I don't know if this is appropriate in this place…? 

—Let's not talk about it —the taller one replied quickly— not now, please.

—Why?

—Because I don't want us to stop — he said, not looking at him, but sinking his face between his neck and speaking into his ear— just keep going, please.

He moved against him, unable to think or consider risks in that situation. It was impossible to concentrate. 

—You are really blowing my mind, is that your intention?

The smile on his face was replaced by another moan, when Kai, who now really was, with both legs at his sides, sitting on his lap, started kissing his neck and touching his chest. The shirt he had chosen was now unbuttoned and hands explored his chest, touched it, made him completely forget what he was talking about.

—I just don't want to think about what can happen, what is happening, and all that. I want to enjoy being with you —he said, his kisses on the skin seeking to stimulate the part his hands were touching as well—, I want to enjoy this.

—Maybe it's too dangerous to risk playing here, Kai —he teased with a smile barely able to hold on to the sensations, even though he really, somewhere inside, felt worried about the fact that he was on someone else's porch, in the garden of one of his teammates, in the middle of a party in someone else's house full of people, even though they were alone in the backyard.

—Let me have you one more time. Please.

He was breathing heavily, but completely willing.

—Fine.

Hoping the move wasn't too sudden, he grabbed the collar of the T-shirt Kai was wearing to tug it down and make him follow him to the table behind them. He knew that if Kepa was the kind of person who took security measures, then there would be some kind of security camera pointed at his backyard, so hiding in the garden wasn't an option, but perhaps hiding under the table and behind the armchairs next to it would be a safe alternative in case someone could sneak in through the door.

So, moving from his place to that hidden spot, he forced Kai to follow him crawling there, desperate to keep him close and coming to him immediately to leave kisses on his chest. And not just because he wanted to kiss him, but because it was the way he could have his heart so close that he almost felt he could become one with it. Maybe Mason could never understand what his partner was feeling at that moment, but it was no less than necessary to stop, between the passion of being together, the thrill of their bodies and the sensations, just to get close enough to listen to his heartbeat, to kiss his skin, thanking his body for the life that for months they had now shared, hoping to forever engrave in his memory the sound of his racing beating heart as they were together.

—I love you —Kai said, looking into his eyes.

It took him by surprise, he had to open his eyes and confirm that look full of sincerity and the purest feeling he could imagine.

—I wish I could wake up with your heartbeat beside me, like this, for the rest of my life. I wouldn't ask for anything else in the world —Havertz continued, losing his gaze for a moment in the skin he was touching.

—Then you don't have to ask the world for anything else. I want to be with you for the rest of my life, you know? 

But Kai didn't respond to that, though yes, of course he knew it. Instead, he kissed his lips again, in a much calmer, more aware, more romantic way. Now, in his arms, Mason kept in mind what Kai meant to him, such a big piece in his life at the moment, the person he shared his nights with, the love he didn't even know he would ever feel, because it was completely unlike anything he'd ever had before.

He observed him again, as his hands touched his crotch and enjoyed Mason's caresses on his back, shuddering as he forced him to moan, uncaring, thanks to the volume of the music inside. Havertz could sense the urgency as he felt beneath his formal trousers a noticeable erection begging for his attention with every little movement. 

It hadn't taken more than a second for his partner to be climbing on top of him again, already sprawled out on the floor once more. Soon, Mount was grinding that part of his body against the other's, embracing his body and moving both in time to the music they could hear in the distance that set the rhythm of their friction. 

The sky that night did not show the same rain that in the last few days had hit the nights, but the clouds did cover all the stars and barely let them notice the moon crossing behind them between paths of constellations. The temperature was only dropping, despite the bikinis and shorts that were entering the front yard into the mild water of the swimming pool. In the backyard, where they were, the complete solitude gave them the privacy to allow their own bodies to feel the heat now.

As if they were in their own universe, in a bubble where no one else could be, the caresses felt like glimmers that came off with the touch between their skins. They didn't need to take off their clothes, they didn't need the privacy of a room, they didn't need anything else to make being together like that as intimate as they wanted it to be. When they were together, it was like stopping time and escaping to that place where no one else could enter, a spell that only the two of them shared. 

And those kisses escalated, the caresses continued. Amidst the heat they generated for themselves in the onset of a cloudy dawn, in which the humidity of the atmosphere would condense almost until daybreak, that coolness past midnight didn't seem to matter to the party guests, who were having fun in the opposite patio, in the pool, drinking and keeping the volume high. On the other side of the house, two bodies let themselves be carried away by what they felt, by the need to feel and share themselves with each other, to know each other as they had longed to do. In a way as sweet as it was passionate, provoking each other's climax as the music dulled their voices, the way only the darkness and a feeling as strong as the one that seemed destined to exist would have allowed them to.

—Wow... Are you okay? —Mason asked, once his partner had surrendered his arms and lay down beside him on the floor.

—Yeah, yeah, it's okay —he replied with a grin, gripping his hand tightly.

—We shouldn't have done that here, should we? —he grinned mischievously.

—Does it sound risky?

—It doesn't sound, it is. 

—Don't worry, I don't regret it one bit. Not at all.

—And yet you sound scared.

—I don't sound, I am — he confessed, looking him in the eye.

Mason sighed, stroking the back of his hand with his thumb. 

—Hey... I know you're scared. I know it's fucking scary to think about the future together, and I can't even imagine it in your context, but don't let that get in the way of your feelings.

—You don't know how much I never want to have to leave your side. 

—So do I. But, listen, you don't have to, we don't have to, I... —he sighed, following it up with a half smile— I was able to overcome the worst thing that could have happened to me in this life, something I would have sacrificed everything in this life to avoid. So... seriously, I feel like I can do it all now, and together, so much more.

Kai smiled with a joy that had clouded his gaze in just a few seconds. 

Rather than looking him in the eye, he was admiring him with an expression that, as usual, Mason couldn't decipher. 

—You made it through —Kai smiled—. You're ready.

—Well, I mean... yeah. Yes, I did, even if it's a wound that will never actually heal; it's just that I've proven to myself that I can still go on living with it. 

Havertz rushed over to him and hugged him quickly, hugged him so tightly that he had been surprised to remember that the German was actually quite capable of doing so. He felt one of the younger man's tears fall on his own cheek, a slight wetness that led him to hug his waist as well. 

—I always knew you could do it. You can and always will, I can tell you that.

—Thank you, Kai.

Mason wished he could have stopped time in that moment, could have lived it for so much longer than just the minutes they stood together in silence, melded in a loose embrace, surrounded by a peace so perfect it felt just as fragile.

His face rested on Kai's chest, hugging his torso. He wanted to listen to his heart, but he couldn't do it.

Perhaps the idea that they couldn't stay in that moment for the rest of the night was too distracting for that. The taller one spoke suddenly.

—You know I gotta go, don't you?

—Yes... you have an important date early tomorrow morning with taxes —he said, in a comical tone.

—You're my favourite date. You always will be.

—You make me feel like a fucking teenager in love —he said ruefully, though with a smile that was impossible to hide—. And that feeling is the best thing in the fucking world, honestly. 

Kai smiled, shifting so that they could both rise from the floor and allow him to place a soft but determined kiss on Mason's cheek.

—I really need to get home. 

—I'll walk you home.

—Huh?

—I'll walk you home. I've never done it before, I know you always go home alone and stuff, but, hey, I'm not letting you go home alone now that....

He didn't say it. He didn't say the end of that sentence, but Kai knew exactly what he meant. Their relationship was different now, and they were no longer just friends.

He seemed to have hesitated, a concern as important as it was quick passing through his mind, before he impulsively replied.

—Well, uh, I guess that makes sense.

Mason looked at him immediately upon hearing those words. He was sure Kai would refuse, like all the previous times he'd proposed accompanying him to catch his ride downstairs in the building, or even meeting him at his place, but he hadn't. 

And although the younger boy didn't seem at ease about it, the smile he got from that change of heart was a response to the fact that he understood that something had really shifted between the two of them now. 

What are we going to name this, Kai? There would never be words to describe making this impossible love a reality.

—Are you serious?

—Yes, I'm serious —he nodded, finally breaking into a playful grin—. I don't live far, so we can walk.

—Oh, my god. It's, I mean, yeah! All right, great! 

—Well, then —he shrugged, with a sheepish chuckle.

—Yeah, sure. Uh, well, I mean, I'll be back after that for Erin, but don't worry about it, I'll walk you home. I'll walk you home.

Kai couldn't help but show the happiness on his face once he took his hand, a touch he was so reluctant to break that he had insisted on sneaking out of the house, pretending to go out for a moment to where most of the guests' cars parked in the street just to avoid running into any of his companions, so that he could take the other's hand again as soon as the street where Kepa Arrizabalaga's home was located was behind him. 

Their faces covered by facemasks gave them the privacy to walk in complete tranquillity through the streets of that residential area, playing with each other's fingers for even silent moments in which the only things that mattered were trivial conversations about their day, the noise of a city in movement and the wind that ruffled their hair without turning into the rain that those clouds in the sky threatened. 

Together, they walked without any pressure, even when they should have, and simply focused on that moment, that instant when they could finally feel like they belonged together, and in the frenzy of the night, feel their hearts beating fast for the simple fact of being together, ready for anything they could face if it was together. 

That walk had perhaps felt much longer because of their desire for it to be so, but eventually, they found themselves in a neighbourhood not too far from where Kepa lived, though much more adjacent to the suburbs than to the big city. 

The street where Kai Havertz lived was curiously lonely, but he didn't find it surprising: along that paved road there were barely a couple more houses to be found, and though most of the land around that white, mahogany gated house was fenced off and unbuilt on, Kai didn't seem to mind any less once he and Mason stood for a few seconds, hands clasped, in front of the door, looking into each other's eyes. 

—I guess you missed the isolation of the forest after all —Mason joked, making the other one laugh. 

—I prefer your flat, definitely.

—I understand why. But, hey, as soon as your contract is up on this place, we won't wait a second and you'll move in with me.

Kai nodded, his lips tight, but looking longingly at him.

—We'll have a home together, one that truly feels like one and not just a cold flat —he continued—. And you can have that kitchen you love every morning.

—My favourite place would be wherever you are, anyway. 

—Maybe the couch, listening to music and with a dog on the rug. I think I already have the one I'm going to adopt in mind, and I know you're going to love it.

Kai didn't hold back any longer: with a perhaps slightly abrupt movement, he hugged him affectionately, his face sinking into his shoulder.

—I love you. Take that dog home soon, and take care of him. I'm sure I'm going to love him too.

The smile on his face made him forget the surprise at the hug. He returned the strength of it, feeling for the first time how hard Kai's heart was beating for him against his chest, and falling in love for the thousandth time with the other boy's eyes as he saw them so close once they parted. He offered a soft kiss on his lips not caring less where they stood.

 Havertz never ceased to be a mystery to him, because that little tear on his cheek after kissing him was so emotional that even he himself couldn't fully understand what it meant to him.

—I think I have to go in now —the taller one finally said, wiping his face.

—Yeah, fair enough, it's late.

—And you have to go back and pick up Erin.

—Oh, shit! You're right, I forgot about her —he laughed hurriedly, grabbing his phone to discover a couple of messages from her asking for his whereabouts. 

—You should go.

—Yes, I have to go now —he smiled— But I'll see you soon. I hope tomorrow doesn't take too long. Oh, and... I forgot to ask, but do you have any idea if you'll be at the national call—up for Germany? I hear there are a couple of strikers injured. I mean, I'm not going to be in the squad, clearly, so...

—Uh, I don't, I don't really know, I think, I don't think so.

—Then maybe we could go out one of these days, don't you think? 

Kai nodded sheepishly.

—All right.

—Send me a text if you're free tomorrow after your appointment.

—Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah, okay.

—Or I'll do it. 

—It's all right, don't worry —he said cheerfully. A moment of silence revealed how little they had both imagined such a situation, for neither knew what to do next. Finally, after a determined look, Kai leaned in to kiss his lips softly. Thank you, thank you for everything today and, and for everything, every day, truly. Get a good night's sleep.

—I will. Rest too, as much as possible... —he hesitated, for just a second, if he should say anything else, but seeing Havertz hold the doorknob as he entered reminded him of all those times he held back when she said goodbye to him at the door of his flat—. Kai...

—Hm?

—I love you.

He smiled, broadly, despite laughing at it.

—I love you too. Never doubt it.

He didn't understand the magic of that coincidence in which that last sentence also seemed to speak to him about not doubting his love, but also not doubting loving. 

And he had doubted so much about loving for a while, had thought so much about the risks of loving after living through the most traumatic experience of his existence in which a love so big had affected his life in a devastating way, that perhaps remembering indirectly how good it felt to love was also a sign he hadn't expected, but unknowingly wanted. 

I will never doubt that. Good.

 

Mason was busying himself, unmindfully, separating the antique and more precious china from the stylish blue one he'd picked up a couple of Christmases ago in an exclusive central London shop and thought would be a good gift on which to spend his then newly increased salary.

His mother, on the other hand, remained seated in one of the dining room chairs, quite focused on the task of writing down on paper a recipe for caramel cupcakes that had appeared on her Facebook feed: Mason had told her many times that it wasn't necessary to write down with pen and paper when she could save those kinds of videos and pause them so as not to lose details, but he desisted after noticing the dedication she gave to those notes in her diary, and that it distracted her from the day—to—day life that sometimes seemed so difficult for her lately. He watched her discreetly through the reflection of the window glass nearby. It was through this that she also noticed her brother approaching the door.

He entered very discreetly, as if he feared his presence would be noticed, though he caught his mother's eye.

—Mom?

She didn't answer, but with a small nod of her head she indicated that she was listening to him, even though she was still writing. He, too, looked at Joe at the mysterious silence.

He asked with that look at his brother and the mysterious gestures he was making.

—Uh... —the older Mount began— What would you do if I told you that Dad didn't die and just won't have a nose now?

His mother, and he too, gave way to a silence that was both awkward and actually a sign of the sensitivity the subject meant to everyone.

—Joe, please don't be stupid —his mother replied, her tone serious and annoyed.

—It's just that...

And then, in a second, neither of them could believe their eyes, for behind their brother stood their father. 

Alive, standing upright, completely healthy, a cheeky grin adorning his face and, indeed, missing a large part of his nose.

That was secondary to everyone in the room, there was his father, his father was there and he was fine! The older man smiled at both of them, as if expecting a cheerful response, but perhaps he couldn't even imagine the cluster of emotions his younger son and his wife were experiencing at that moment. Mason's eyes crystallised in just a second of seeing him there; he immediately dropped the cup in his hands, lucky that it landed on the cloth he was wiping it with, but his body was paralysed. His heart was beating as fast as after a marathon, and that beat was as joyful as it was nervous, excited, hurtful, so much so that it created a knot in his throat and his knees weakened.

How was that possible, how on earth could that happen? His father had died months ago, his father had died even though he couldn't have been present at the exact moment it happened, but he knew it, he had been there for all of the following. It was impossible, it was totally impossible and it was crazy, but at the same time, it was the thing he had wished for the most in life coming true. If he had only one wish in life, he would have used it to bring his father back to life, if he could have traded his entire future for it, he would have done it without hesitation, and he had wanted it so much for so many nights when he had repeated to himself that it was nonsense to think about it, that now, to see him there, standing there, alive, as he remembered him in the happiest moments of his life, seemed like a joke he couldn't believe. And it was something like that, really. 

His mother stood up, crying uncontrollably, tears wetting the usual white T—shirt his father wore under a thick rain jacket and jeans. He was so surprised, so disbelieving and so happy that he couldn't hold it in. Suddenly everything blurred in his sight, sounds were distant, like being underwater in a swimming pool, his senses didn't respond as they should: he heard his brother calling his name as he held him, his mother asking him to help him, as she wasn't planning on separating from her husband for anything in the world, and it was okay, because he knew he was okay, he was happy, and that joy was so immense that it didn't allow his body to do anything but cry and cry with a smile on his face that he couldn't process what was happening.

It took him a while to recover, to be able to get up and hug him, as he had wanted to do for so many months, to feel his protection, the love that could only be had with a father, the aroma he had known all his life even when he hated the smell of cigarettes always impregnated in it and the warmth of feeling again what he thought he would never be able to experience again. 

So many things were going through his mind that he could barely process what was happening in front of his eyes, it was completely ridiculous, but on top of that, he felt so happy. His father spent the afternoon in the dining room, with his mother, with his children.

His father spent the afternoon in the dining room, with his mother, with his children, listening about their lives and eating their favourite dishes. The ones his wife had been cooking since they had started living together in the eighties and his work was barely enough to pay the bills, but they were still his favourites. He was thankful for them and joked as if nothing extraordinary had happened, as if he hadn't spent almost half a year making the whole world believe he had died, as if he hadn't had a funeral with a body identical to his own in a coffin and then a burial at which his family had cried every last tear from their bodies, as if a huge missing part of his nose was the only thing different about the situation.

Mason found it so unbelievable, so ridiculous, so crazy, that he could hardly stop smiling as he stood there, joking as he was wont to do and making them all laugh. 

Later in the afternoon, when Joe and Emma had helped their mother to fix up their room again, the elder Mount retired to that room which used to be the main room, with the furniture full of vinyl records, to lie down in the armchair in which he usually took naps in the afternoon sun, and called his youngest son with him. 

Mason used to take naps with him in that spot when he was younger, after they both returned from two hour plus drives to London to take him to train at the club's academy. Those long journeys left them exhausted from their day, though they both knew that one day it would be worth it: that day had come with watching him play for the first team, and even on recent occasions when he returned to Portsmouth on days off, he and his father would watch other teams' games until they fell asleep, side by side, in those long, squashy armchairs.

—Come on, Mase. Let's get some sleep, shall we?

So he lay down beside him as he usually did, but with a smile on his face like he'd never imagined before a nap. To go back to a moment like this was all he had wanted most in all those months, and it was something so beautiful that he was sure it was a dream, one he never wanted to wake up from.

—Yeah, let's get some sleep, dad.

Both of them lying down, he couldn't help but gently hug his father, so happy at how real it was to finally have that feeling again, that his soul seemed filled with stardust, a warm ray of sunshine in the middle of London's freezing winter. It was the most real hug he had ever felt in his whole life, and he didn't know if it was because of how much he had wanted to hold him again or because of how perfect the moment was, a real dream he wished would never end.

—Dad... I missed you hugging me so much. I missed your hugs so much.

He heard his father's touched laughter, maybe they were both about to cry, but he answered more calmly.

—I'm so proud of you, Mase. My boy. You made it through. You're ready now.

—What do you mean? —he laughed.

—For this life. You're strong, you can do it and you've remembered it. Now you can remember it forever.

—I... I know this isn't real, right? This has to be a dream, Dad. I don't want to wake up and feel that horrible emptiness knowing that it was just a dream.

His father spoke no more, but that short silence was interrupted by the incessant tone of alarm, which erupted like a seismic alert all around him. 

The sound grew louder and louder, and like the air from a hoover, he felt himself pulled out of that reality, torn from his father's company back into the morning chill of his own bed, where he finally opened his eyes. 

The sheet, the duvet and his pillow were soaked. His whole body was filled with a kind of cold sweat, the result of the dream from which he had just woken up, agitated and with a feeling he couldn't even discover inside himself. It had all been so real, there had been such a physical embrace, even if, all the time, he had had the strong suspicion that it was a dream, and yet, when he woke up, he had been so disappointed that it was. 

That mixture between the disappointment of waking up, the tenderness and joy of what he had experienced, the longing to feel again what he had missed so much, the sadness of not being able to make it his reality, and never, ever being able to achieve that. All those things kept him transfixed, sitting on his bed for several minutes after turning off that alarm he didn't even remember setting. 

He swallowed before getting up. He walked to the bathroom, washed his face, turned on the water to take a shower. Neither during the shower, nor eating breakfast, nor picking out her clothes, could he get the thought out of his head. It had all felt so real, and it had been a long time since he had last dreamed of him. Throughout the summer, he had spent almost every night seeing him in his dreams, and although they had usually been dreams in which they simply lived together on a daily basis, this dream had been completely different.

It had been so real that it had made him cry in his sleep, and there was something so strange about it being the first time he hadn't dreamt of the memories he missed of him, but of something after his death, even if it had been something completely impossible. 

Mason felt tears come to his eyes as he thought about how real it had been to hold him in his dreams. That dream came out of nowhere and was so shocking to his feelings that he couldn't stop thinking about the reason for it. 

It had almost made him forget that he would not see Kai at training that day. Arriving at Cobham, although talking for a long time with his teammates about the previous night's party had distracted him, he couldn't help but glance more than once towards the entrance to the locker room, waiting for the tall young man to come through the door and greet him as he arrived. 

Of course, he hadn't been able to avoid the rest of his teammates eventually asking him why he had disappeared from the party for so long, but Kepa was an excellent alibi. His team's goalie had explained without much mystery that after a while, Mason had asked him for some space, which sounded understandable due to being tired, and eventually he had been the one to return with the rest of the team after a couple of hours. That had ruled out further questions, although it was obvious that his companions were still worried about him.

That was not always comfortable for him, but he could not blame them. On this day, his feelings were taking him back to the early days of summer, and to say he felt vulnerable was perhaps insufficient to describe why he was quieter than usual. The vibes he was getting from the day were just plain weird.

One good motivation for believing that his day would get better in a little while was the thought that he would be busy in the afternoon. The week before he'd talked to Ben, Erin, and even Jack about the idea of asking Kai out somewhere outside of his flat, because the thought of a date was one of those things he'd denied himself for so long that, given the conditions under which their relationship was conducted, even with Kai it felt too far away to accomplish: things had taken a major turn in recent days, and while what he now had with Havertz still didn't have an official name, a night out together seemed like the perfect opportunity to try to name it together.

To try, he needed the calm, privacy and trust that the two of them usually had when they were alone together, and that was the hardest part really; trying to find a place outside his flat where they could feel like when they were together there. 

While it sounded like a wonderful idea to propose a date, the reality was that finding the ideal way to have one, both being sufficiently public figures in a relationship that had to be kept so strictly secret, was more than tricky, but if he knew of one kind of person who could be an expert at it, it was definitely his female teammates on the women's team. She had called Erin that morning on her way to the training centre with a strong conviction to find the perfect place to take Kai as soon as he was free of commitments, determined not to take no for an answer and to make the surprise date something special for the two of them. 

And although he knew that his best friend was not the most experienced person in secret dating and had a history of disappointments in love, the night before she had told him in detail about the first private date she had had with Alsu during their recent away visit to South London, in which they had both escaped late at night from the hotel to go to a "secret place" that Alsu had planned to take her to since that day when they had shared a night of few memories after drinks at the Chinese food restaurant. Things between the two girls were moving in a more and more definite direction towards a romantic relationship, after a kiss on the lips at the end of that night together in which they spoke with transparency and sincerity about their feelings. 

So, something made him think that, if a secret date in the middle of the night had worked between them to set the record straight and push them to formalise what they had, maybe he and Kai could have the same luck, as well as having a good time together like a normal couple could. 

So, the first question when talking to her best friend in the morning had been whether she had any idea of the name of the place Alsu had taken her to and how she had managed to get in there, whether reservations were necessary and whether it had been in the most literal sense when she had mentioned that they had been able to be ''basically alone'' in the place. Erin couldn't quite answer that, but she had asked Alsu in less than a minute if she was available to take Mason to see the place that afternoon, and the answer had been a definite yes, either out of mere kindness or because of the near-family bond that would now bind Mason and Alsu together. 

So, later that day, the Russian girl walked beside him and, though Mason could see her smile, he still wasn't sure about everything. The wind chill around him was due to a new front that had hit the north of the country the night before, yet he didn't feel the need to have a jacket on. If he was lucky, maybe he would buy one for the night he was planning.

—Can I say something?

—Uh huh.

—I'm curious about all this —she smiled, slipping her hands into her pockets as she gazed sympathetically at the sun that was dipping lower and lower behind the buildings at the end of the street—. I don't mean to be rude, but I'd like to know... why...?

—Oh, no, it's not rude, it's just... Well, it's a bit hard to explain, but trust me, this won't be anything illegal or anything, I just... I need somewhere very, very private.

—So .... It has to be really private, it has to stay open really late at night, you want to be able to walk there from your building... that's kind of suspicious, Mase — she said with a laugh.

—Oh, come on, don't make fun, will you?  —he said with an amused look. She shrugged, smiling again—. Well, listen... it'll be a date. I want it to be something nice, but you know that privacy for those of us who play football is...

—... Hard to get. Yeah, okay. I think then the place will be perfect for what you need.

—Erin didn't tell me how you were going to do that at all, by the way.

—Well, I've got some friends in London....

—Oh —he said, trying not to express his surprise incorrectly— Friends... good people, right?

Alsu seemed much more amused by the situation, as well as much more aware of what was going on in general. Mason still couldn't even tell exactly where they were walking.

—So you're suspicious of me and I'm suspicious of you. It's very funny.

—It is —he admitted with a smile—, but I don't blame you.

—I don't suspect anything bad about you, Mason, I'm really just curious —he shrugged—. And to be fair to both of us: yes, my friends are good people, I guarantee you — she smiled—. Actually, I don't think they're the kind of friends you'd expect. They're Russians. But not the kind of Russians you're thinking of — she clarified with a calmness that seemed like a relief to Mason—. Most of them I met in my English classes and they don't speak perfect English, like me, you know, but we get together on Fridays and talk to each other about what we do in our lives. They think I'm a superstar because I play on a big football team.

—That's very sweet —he replied, with a kindly gesture—. My parents think the same thing... Well, I mean, they did. Well, you know. 

—Yeah, I understand — she nodded— It's strange when they are gone, isn't it? It takes a while to get used to stop talking about them as if they were here.

—It is. Exactly, it's a little hard to get used to the idea.

—Yeah, I get it — she smiled sympathetically—. It's hard. Maybe it's the hardest thing that can happen to anyone. 

—It is...

—I had an older brother —she suddenly confessed—. I was probably about three years old, I think. He was my parents' first child, and they loved him very much, but he died before he was thirteen, he, he died in an accident.

—Oh. Uh, I'm, I'm so sorry, Alsu.

—It's okay. I didn't get to know him too well, I don't remember much about him, but it was very difficult for my parents. Especially for my mother: she, uh, she was very hurt by his death, because she couldn't... uh, have a child before him — she said, taking a long time to find the words to express herself between each sentence. It gave Mason a chance to think about it, about the parallels between losing a father and losing a son, in such sudden ways—. But... they always said that after the storm, the wind blows in your favour. My grandmother helped my mother a lot in that time, she talked to her and they spent a lot of time together even though my grandmother lived so far away from us. 

—She sure must be a wonderful person. I remember hearing you speak very fondly of your grandmother before.

—She's my best friend in the world. She has never minded giving everything for other people, even though she looks very private on the outside.

—Do you think people can be so different from the way they seem?

—Definitely. You can't judge a book by its cover.

—That's true — he admitted, letting a sigh escape his lips that he hadn't expected to be so obvious.

—You're thinking of someone, aren't you?

—Yes, I am. 

That didn't make the Russian's eyes any less curious about it. On the contrary; as they turned a corner to head down a long alleyway, her eyes questioned again for more information. Mason reasoned that, if he was going to speak honestly, even a little, then he wanted Alsu to be honest in return as well.

—You and Erin had a date in this place, didn't you?

—She... She talked to you about it?

—About you two and...? Well, I mean, she's my best friend, so —he said, shrugging with a look he hoped to gain her trust with— yeah, I think she told me about you and her. 

—So... What do you think about it?

—Oh, I totally support it. I mean, I like you, and she's told me about so many girls before that only resulted in disappointment... Well, I mean, I don't mean she's dated a lot of girls —he clarified quickly— no, no, she hasn't dated so many girls, I, I mean…

—I understand, I understand —she laughed—. I don't think she's that type of girl.

—Yeah, I mean, she... I, I just want her to find a girl that treats her right and doesn't play games with her. And I just, I just hope that you actually want something serious with Erin. 

Alsu looked at him with a completely serene smile, as they both waited for the elevator that would take them to the top floor of the shopping plaza they had just entered.

—Yes. I do want something serious with her. I want to be her girlfriend —Alsu said, once they were both inside.

Mason smiled calmly.

—I trust you. I really do, Alsu. You're a nice girl and... I think it shows by the fact that you're here selflessly helping me with this.

—If I can help other people, I think it's the right thing to do. And I think I can help you in this, so you can have a moment with that special mysterious person.

—Thank you. I'd actually rather a place a little public. I mean, I'd like it to be a bit of a lonely place, but I don't think this person would feel safe in...

—Relax, it's a public place —she laughed— Listen, I have two friends, Roman and Egor, who work as security guards in this mall. They work 24 hours a day and then they rest for a couple of days, but the mall is completely safe and they are good people.

—Oh... uh, okay, I think I understand... 

—I think they could help us with this, if you're okay with it —she smiled—. The dinner I had with Erin was just burgers and fries, but the nice thing that night was this....

The elevator doors opened then, revealing a wonderful view of the city skyline through the glass windows in front of the mall's food court, its sign lit up in pink and blue neon lights. 

And though it was no more than a mall, perhaps there was something rather special about the fact that the food outlets around those fixed tables and chairs with a breathtaking view of the outdoors conjured up a place that could rival a fancy restaurant on the city skyline.

—What do you think? —asked Alsu.

—Wow... I mean, this is... this is impressive. 

—The mall was remodelled this year. Apparently they put all those plants and the crystals up there.

—They're kinda like stained glass, or an imitation of stained glass, I guess, but... they look really neat. I mean, all this stuff, it really looks great, I'm very impressed.

—Erin thought it was really nice. And if you like it, it's all closed at night and they could let you in, if you want. 

—And they, your friends, are they trustworthy people?

—Absolutely. They're young people, although they might seem a bit intimidating.

—Oh, good warning.

—Don't worry, unless you're afraid of quiet places, you and this person will be very safe here —he nodded.

Mason sighed, working up the courage to face her and speak, albeit more quietly.

—Listen, Alsu, uh... this person is, is a boy. He is really important to me, and we're trying to make this as secret as possible, because... well, you understand, it's not something that people welcome with open arms like any other relationship, so... 

—I understand, I understand. Don't worry, Mason, my friends are trustworthy people and I'll make sure this works out for you, because I understand how you feel. We must support each other.

Mason knew exactly what Alsu meant by those words, even though she hadn't said it explicitly, so he extended his hand to shake hers, as a way of sealing the deal they had struck. 

His surprise then came from the way Alsu had taken the news, though he had no doubt she had guessed it all along. Calmly, she had not acted as if she had just told him one of her biggest secrets at the time, but as if it was something that simply created a bond of trust between the two of them. There was something that united them beyond the team they were part of, for they were also part of one same community. 

—So, would you like to set up that date today, then?

—Uh, I'd love to, but I'm afraid I'd have to ask him first.

—Of course. Maybe you should text or call him to see if I should let my friends know about it soon —Mason nodded, so she proceeded to dig through her purse for some money—. I'm going to go get some ice cream, I'll be back in a bit, in case you want to call him.

He grabbed his phone, not allowing himself a second to hesitate or regret, and sent the first text message.

Hey

Did you finish your schedule for the day?

Hello

There was a change of plans, actually.

Why the question?

Cool!

I wanted to know if you'll come over sometime tonight.

Maybe we could do something different today

Come where?

I don't get it.

You know, the usual

He had to wait a few seconds to write again, in the absence of a response from Kai.

I meant coming over to my place for a while hahaha

?

Maybe you have the wrong number 😅

This is Kai Havertz

I know, Kai 😅

I meant you and me

Remember we talked about going somewhere else out of my flat someday?

I think there's a place we can go and have dinner.

It's completely private, it would just be the two of us

He had read his messages, the confirmation was below those texts, but again, there wasn't a quick reply.

What do you think?

The time Kai was taking to reply was only making him impatient, and that empty feeling in his stomach was killing him, though it only increased with the response he was getting.

I think it's definitely the wrong number

I don't remember that, but I want to clarify that this is Kai Havertz's number.

I know it's your number, Kai

lol

I'm not catching on haha

I don't know what you're talking about, I really don't.

Come on Kai

I'm serious.

I don't understand, Mason

I'm sorry, I'm serious too.

And I'm in Germany at the moment, with the national team.

????? 

You said yesterday you weren't in the squad

I'm confused hahaha

I'm pretty sure we didn't talk yesterday

At Kepa's party yesterday, remember?

You said that

I asked you because everyone was supposed to be aware of their call-ups already.

Mason, you're confusing me.

I wasn't at Kepa's party yesterday.

—I'm back, Mason —Alsu said from behind him, coming to his side with an ice cream cone in his hand.

Mason couldn't speak, couldn't even move from his position, staring at his phone screen in silence. Alsu quickly realised that he was not responding.

—Are you all right, Mason? —she called again,

Chapter Text

At the time, Mason thought he was joking. Of course he would think he was joking, it was the most reasonable approach, the only thing that could make sense, if anything.

But Kai didn't prove him right about it, he didn't at all. Feelings as desperate as the ones he was having, that made him want to throw his stomach out at that moment, required desperate measures, so he didn't hesitate to take the impulsive step of asking Kai if he was joking, and even in the face of that, asking him to stop joking once Kai answered more than twice that it wasn't a joke. 

Mason was direct: his fingers typing shakily at full speed, he questioned why he was saying that, and Kai, without any hint of humour, had replied that he was serious. He'd made it clear in more than one message: he hadn't attended Kepa's party the night before.

The only limit that had stopped Mason from continuing to insist on knowing the truth had been Kai's ultimatum:

I don't know what you're talking about and I don't like your attitude to this.

I'll stop answering, this is ridiculous 

He was extremely confused, he was upset and he was panicking.

Dealing with panic was something he had learned to resort to lately, a tool he was forced to use against his will and one that was extremely painful, but necessary. He had learned it well after so many months of having to cope with stress, pressure and anxiety every time he had to face paperwork related to his father's death, when he had to pay bills for his mother's medical expenses, when he had to face the feeling that his siblings were doing everything to voluntarily keep his mother alive, while the only and best thing he could do was to contribute all the money it took. When he wanted so badly to ask his father what he should do.

He had learned to find the courage to stand by in silent frozen horror without risking his integrity, his appearance and the peace of mind of others. Especially that, the peace of mind of others.

He looked soberly but calmly at Alsu, who questioned him with visible concern from beside him, though she seemed unsure to inquire further. 

—Mason?

—Uh, yes. Yes, I... uh, I was talking to this person and I think I'd forgotten that I have a few appointments these days.

—Oh. Okay, I see. But, is everything okay? 

—Yeah, it's fine. Everything's fine, I just didn't remember.

—Uh, okay, okay.  I suppose there must be a lot to do these days, no doubt. Erin and I will be attending the call up, so...

—Yeah, uh, well, I, I appreciate that, Alsu, though I think we'll save the idea for another day. 

—Yes, yes, sure, don't worry, I understand. 

She nodded towards him, the ice cream cone still quite whole in her hand and her bag slung over her shoulder. She waited for a few seconds for Mason to speak again, because the silence between them seemed far less natural than Mount would have wished.

—And..., uh, I've, I've got to go. Now. 

—Oh —she said, surprised— You want to walk back together?

—No, no, I, I just, I have to do something before I go, I... I have to do a couple of things —he said, taking his phone to check out of the corner of his eye to see if there was a message from Kai Havertz in his notifications—. I'm, I'm sorry...

But his text box was still empty. 

—Uh, yeah, well, it's okay, it's okay, uh...

—I gotta go, sorry.

—Sure, uh... —Sure, uh... I'll... see you soon?

Mason wasn't calm enough to act much calmer. His mind was a mess, and all he could articulate was a strange goodbye sign as he walked away towards the escalators, striding down them as he tried to focus his mind on just one of the thousands of thoughts that surrounded him at the moment.

Reaching the ground floor hadn't made it any better. Walking back as fast as he could through the same streets he had just passed through with such different feelings only a few minutes before didn't feel any better either, but something in him begged him to keep walking, to keep running away from this place despite having no direction to follow. 

He felt completely bewildered. Kai was a strange person, he was a person he was used to feeling confused and ready to understand any situation out of the ordinary with a laugh and give up, but this situation didn't feel at all like what he was used to. Much less after the last few days.

It was true that Kai still acted that much less close when they were in front of other people, that was normal and it was logical, because neither of them wanted to raise suspicions, but acting that way in the privacy of text messages between them, messages that were only visible between his phone and Kai's, where they had nothing to hide, as well as not replying in such a cold way, was rude to say the least. 

He thought of all the reasons why Kai might want to act like this even in private. Would someone else have access to his account? An agent perhaps, or manager? A member of his family? Or worse, could it be a lover? Could it be possible that Kai had had a partner all this time? Could there be a man or a woman who had been by his side all this time? But how? He had never mentioned anything about anyone, there was no hint of a partner on his Instagram, nor on any of his other social networks, let alone among the team members, where it was actually common to talk about girlfriends and wives when planning nights out. Could it be another man then? But when? It was impossible, they spent practically the entire day together, because as soon as they finished training, he had just enough time to go home, eat and shower before getting ready to welcome Kai to his flat. Not to mention the nights when he slept over, and he would only be out of sight when he disappeared at dawn, before seeing him again in Cobham.

If he had a partner, it would have to be one who didn't mind Kai spending most of his time with Mason, or otherwise, it could be a long distance relationship, maybe someone in Germany, but in that case, why would he care about being honest in the text messages he shared with Mason? 

It didn't make sense, no explanation made sense and the thought that maybe he was joking wasn't reassuring either, because then maybe his strange behaviour was going too far, and then he would have to put a stop to it, and who was he to put a stop to that? Did they have any definition to what their relationship was at the moment? They couldn't call themselves friends any more, it was definitely something else, but was Kai ready to name it something else?

He wasn't sure about that either. 

It seemed to him that he was. At least the night before it had seemed like he was, just like every other night, it was something that was clear every time they looked into each other's eyes when they were alone, but it was like every time Kai acted like that he couldn't really recognize him. Why would he lie about something like that? What kind of joke could that be? What purpose could something so pointless possibly serve? He couldn't contain those doubts, but as he pulled over a taxi on the first street he came to a stop, his fingers scrolled across the screen automatically looking for Kai's phone number, and his hands couldn't even consider the possible results that awaited him when he pressed the call button. 

He barely noticed when the driver asked him the destination of his journey, and his voice quickly spat out the address of his flat, because at that moment, holding the phone to his ear, all he cared about were the waiting tones as he hoped with his heart in his hand that the voice he knew so well would answer.

It did, after five rings, which felt like an eternity.

—Hello? —he spoke coldly.

—Kai. It's Mason. 

—I can see.

—Hey, I'm... I'm confused. I'm very confused, uh, are you busy?

—Uh... well, what are you calling me about? I'm confused, too.

—Well, about, about what I asked you in the message. 

—Mason —he sighed— I don't understand what you want me to say. I don't understand why you're saying such weird things.

—Kai, hell, I'm not asking you to propose to me on the field, I'm just....

—Wait, what?! What do you mean by that?!

—... I'm just asking you not to make me feel like I'm insane by saying things like that about Kepa's party.

—Well, you are, I wasn't at that party! 

—Come on, Kai, shit, what's the point of saying something like that? Is there, is there anyone there with you? You don't even have to say it, say some code word or something, just, just don't make me feel this way.

—Code word...? What the hell are you talking about, Mason? I'm alone, I'm all alone, I don't know what the fuck you mean.

—Then why are you acting this way with something as stupid as saying you weren't there? I just, I just want to understand.

—Mason, I wasn't at that party. I wasn't there, I don't understand why you're saying otherwise, I don't understand what it is you want me to say back.

—Just don't make things so confusing for once! 

—Listen, I don't understand this conversation, I don't understand what you're trying to do, and I'm not going to keep talking. You're my teammate, if you have a problem, just tell me up front, and that's it. 

Mason hadn't even had a chance to respond to it or interrupt him before Havertz suddenly cut the call short.

He didn't know if the feeling that dominated him was more uncertainty, anger, indignation or confusion. Sure, he was annoyed with him, because he couldn't believe he was behaving that way, but there was also something inside him that made him wonder if there was any other way.

His teeth were unconsciously clenched as he looked out of the car window, he felt nervous, and he didn't know how to hide it, he didn't know why, but inside he had the feeling that, at least this time, he had reasons to worry a lot more, and he could affirm that Kai had never treated him that way before.

He could be indifferent, he could be cold at times, but never before had he acted in such an irrational way, denying his words directly, speaking to him in a tone of voice that seemed so far from what he knew of him. It was exactly that which worried him the most; the fact that a reaction that seemed to have been so natural in Kai felt like the furthest thing from the version he knew of him, and it made him wonder so much what was wrong. What was wrong? What had changed?

He kept asking himself that question, his mind quickly racing down a thousand paths looking for possible explanations, even though he knew he wouldn't get them because the only real, accurate answer he could get would have to come from Kai himself, who, at that very moment, was completely unwilling to talk to him. And that was the point of it all: he wanted to pick up his phone again, call him and try to talk to him again, try it from scratch and maybe with a calmer attitude, maybe then the result would be different, maybe then he could have a simple answer that would explain everything and be at ease, and not overthink word by word the conversation they had had looking for answers.

But, contrary to that, the only thing he could get the next five times he called his phone number was the cold, repetitive response of his voicemail. 

He arrived home, uninterested in what he had paid for the taxi that had taken him to his building, and even more uninterested in having to climb the stairs after finding the lift busy. He didn't even want to share space with other people at that moment, to have to pretend things were fine and politely greet his neighbours. Furthermore, he didn't want to talk to anyone and hold back any longer the feeling of anxiety that he felt rising within himself with every minute. That was why, as he crossed his door, closed it behind him and found himself all alone in his dark flat in front of a sun about to set, he could do no more than let himself fall on the carpet, sit down on his knees and lose his gaze on the floor while some tears slipped from his cheeks, almost automatically. 

It was an almost terrifying feeling, and would not have been so a few years ago, but now he knew that entering into a state of crisis, such as those into which he fell so frequently at the beginning of the summer that year, was dangerous for himself. It was not an exaggerated view, but it was one he was definitely afraid to share with other people, even though he was aware of the love and support he had from them.

He had talked about it with Jack a few times, but those conversations hadn't really led to anything clear. And Mason wasn't usually that kind of person, he wasn't someone who was gloomy, he wasn't someone who was used to being sad, because it had never been comfortable for him and that wasn't the way he had learned to live, having such an endearing childhood and adolescence. The smile on his face, looking for the more optimistic side of things, that was something he did almost instinctively, but that was exactly what had made it so difficult to process and live through the grief of losing the person he loved most in the world: his father. 

Because he didn't know how to feel comfortable with crying, he didn't know how to live with sadness, and the pain in his heart was something that was so unbearable that he couldn't live that way, he couldn't stop looking for a way to escape from that enormous suffering every time he felt it. And that drove him into a crisis. And he didn't know to the point of worry the person he was becoming when he went into crisis: he had discussed it with Jack in a session.

—I don't really know why it's something that terrifies me so much. Because... every time I feel sad, every time I feel genuinely depressed, my mind immediately looks for a way to stop feeling that way, like it's looking for an escape button to immediately get me out of that place in my mind, and I don't understand what's in there that I'm so terrified of, you know? I don't understand where this fear that I've had all my life comes from, but it's big —he recalled his own words, that time in Jack's office. 

—It's a big one, Mason —Grealish added—. Since you've been in therapy with me, you've demonstrated and communicated to me in different ways that you're extremely talented at seeking success, solutions, but that it's not driven by ambition, but by the fear of things going ‘wrong’ —he indicated the subjectivity of that with quotation marks on his fingers—. Do you know what that means?

—It's bad, isn't it? —he said, the anxiety in his gaze on the reflection of the table in the middle of the room, trying to find patterns there, and in the hand that pressed harder than he expected on the fabric of his sweatshirt.

—You've heard this football philosophy your whole life where they tell you to turn losing into learning, haven't you? —Mason nodded without looking at him, and he didn't want to do that—. You internalised defeats as lectures, as reproaches or something else, something that hurt you very much. You turned it into something extremely traumatic.

—But... I just... I can't really say that I agree with that because... it sounds coherent, sure, but, I don't have a single fixed memory of when I did that. I don't know how I did it, or why, I don't even know at what point it happened, I mean, is that really it? I mean, I... I just think it's not something particularly mine, I mean, isn't it normal that people just don't want to suffer? Because, come on, who likes to feel bad? Of course, I don't want things to go wrong, because then I'm going to feel bad, and that... feels bad. Who the fuck likes to feel bad?

—You'd be surprised. People sometimes live that way. Some people live for years or really long periods of time in depression, not that they like it, but they live with it, they put up with it for weeks, months, years, and that's not a desirable quality of life, that's true, but that's not the point, Mason. Many people admit to feeling sad, they allow that sadness to express itself, even though many men find it difficult to do so, but you know about healthy masculinities, you've worked on it, so what's going on?

—I just don't know, I, I'm not like that, it's not like I don't want to cry or anything like that, you know? Actually, I don't mind that at all, but I hate the feeling that crying would give me; you know, the anxiety and stuff that I feel when I think about the uncertainty of it all and the possibility of it all going wrong again... It's like when my dad died and the moments he was in the hospital I wished so much for him to survive, for ‘it’ not to happen, only for it to end up... not being that way. In the end I ended up so disappointed, and I cried so much, and it hurt so much that damn feeling like my heart was completely shattered and that my life had just ended.

—That's what you felt?

—That's what I felt.  That, and a lot of other horrible emotions that I would never want to feel again in my life. I just don't want to feel bad things, why is that so wrong? What is it that everyone but me likes to suffer and feel those things? I don't want to, I want to avoid it, I just want to skip it and make everything okay, even though I know obviously it can't be, because my dad's dead and he's not coming back, but... my mum, my playing level, the team, my feelings, me... I just want everything to be okay. I want to be sure that everyone will be okay, that no one else will be gone, and that I can feel good again.

—Mason, why is the possibility of feeling sad so unbearable for you?

—Because when I lost my father, I felt the most horrible thing I've ever felt in this world.

—But why are you so afraid of feeling that? Why are you so afraid of the sadness and the pain that goes with it? I mean, Mason, it's not just anything. Do you understand that? It's the reason you have the trait that defines you the most, because of that fear that drives most of your actions. What is so powerful to control your life like that? 

—Well... —he thought at the time, his mind racing for possible answers, but nothing really hit the nail on the head— It's, it's that fear, it's definitely fear, maybe of pain, but maybe also... —he caught the way Jack was looking at him, as if he was about to get to the answer. Sometimes he wished that, if Jack knew something he didn't, he could tell him, to simply know the answers and find the solution to everything. But that was exactly what Jack was talking about, why did things always have to have a way out, and what if the way out was just to let what was meant to be, be? What he was looking for, then, was it a solution or an escape from what felt so wrong?

If some people, as Jack had said, sometimes lived in depression for so long, if people usually externalised that pain, if they could cry until it stopped hurting, why was he always looking for a way to skip that part and just get to the moment when it stopped hurting? Why was he so afraid, more than the failure, of the pain?

He didn't seem to have a clear answer, maybe not one answer, but too many. That made it all the more confusing. 

—What, Mason?

—To... Maybe to what I'll do if it hurts. To my reaction, because when it has hurt, I... I don't know, I'm not like that, I, I can do things that aren't, aren't the way I am. I'm a different person, and I don't like who I am when things hurt. I don't want to be that person.

And that same fear returned now, staring at his carpet, as his mind flooded with the anxiety of what was happening, what would happen next, and what could happen at that very moment, the person he could become, now that he felt himself losing control of his own head. 

He grabbed his phone at full speed, and immediately called the only phone number his mind could have directed him to at that moment. 

—Erin.

—Mase? What's wrong? Are you okay?

—No. Come to my flat, please. 

—On my way. Don't move from where you are, I'll be right there. 

Fortunately for Mount, Erin had been at her flat that day. He would have just sat on the living room carpet anyway, trying to repeat in his mind the exercises Jack had taught him to calm his breathing and relax his body at times when anxiety overcame him. He would not have dared to get up and walk to the bathroom, even though it was no more than a few metres away from the place where he remained motionless, but he did not mind too much at that moment to take from the table in front of him the bottle of water he had left there the night before and empty some of it into his hands, so that he could wet his face.

What little control he had over his movements caused him to spill it on the carpet and his clothes in the process, but the sight of his soaked shirt was something Erin completely overlooked as she walked over and used the key to his flat door that Mason had given her after the time she'd had to throw rocks at his window to wake him up. Seeing her best friend on the floor, in the middle of the darkness and counting out loud as he breathed, was what completely grabbed her attention, because despite the relief of knowing she was finally there to help him, it was terrifying: to approach him quickly, to make sure he was okay, to look for signs of any danger nearby. Ben had always advised her to check the immediate surroundings for any sort of substance, object or hint of something he might have hurt himself with. 

Erin had never liked the idea, because it didn't seem to her that Mason could ever do anything like that, but she quickly checked anyway, because she knew that their lives had changed enough since those times when they were a couple of teenagers learning to live away from their parents in one of the biggest cities in the world.

No longer did they hold hands in the street to feel safe in the vastness of the capital, no longer did they go out together to the mall to get the week's groceries on salaries barely competent for London living prices; in today's times, and at times like that, she had to help Mount calm down for a couple of minutes, wait until he could stand up, hold him for as long as necessary and listen until he could understand what it was that had put him in such a situation. She didn't go back to her flat that night, because even though she excused herself to Mason by saying she was too lazy to cross the street and go, the reality was that she hadn't because she didn't feel comfortable leaving him alone when things got like this.

Mason apologised heartily to her after he felt calmer, she knew he was sorry and he was especially sorry that such an incident hadn't happened for almost two months now. He knew that, in his best friend's mind, progress was usually seen as linear, as progress and advancement, so what had just happened sounded like going backwards and demonstrating some kind of failure, even though she knew perfectly well that things didn't work like in the movies, and that those kinds of events were not relapses, but what made them real, human. 

She repeated that to him. She caressed his hair, and in an embrace assured him that he had absolutely nothing to apologise for. That night, they both went up to the younger one's room and slept together in his bed, in a silence that was grateful for the peace inside his flat. Mason slept almost immediately, lying on his side and curling his legs up, just as they did when they were much younger and would travel to the older one's house in Scotland, staying on the living room floor to play video games late into the night. 

But this time Erin couldn't do the same.

She stayed awake for at least another hour after her best friend's breathing became regular, listening to the inevitable noise of the city in the distance and staring at the ceiling, going over and over the things Mason had told her, the possibilities and all the possible explanations. She couldn't explain it, but it all raised red flags in her mind, and a feeling of emptiness in her mind because there was something that didn't make sense.

And that feeling stayed with her even in her dreams, where the scenes of that night replayed themselves. 

The next morning, as she returned briefly to her flat to grab her belongings and head to that day's training with Mason, she had to face the question of what things she should keep private and what things she could share. All her flatmates were well aware that her best friend had been going through a difficult period a few months ago, a period so difficult that it had ended up being a relevant rumour for the entire club because of its impact on the team, but even when they knew Erin was so close to him, she had never revealed anything about his difficulties. They all knew she was quick to respond to any call, but they didn't ask about it, so when Alsu questioned her about what had happened the night before, why she hadn't returned in the evening and whether Mason was okay, she had to pretend to be as calm as possible and reply that there had been a small emergency, but that it was nothing to worry about. Of course she didn't want to lie to the girl she loved, but she also couldn't talk about what her best friend would probably ask her not to talk about. 

That didn't stop her from thinking about it for the rest of the day. The rest of the next few days even, in which she had searched incessantly with her eyes for answers within the facilities of the Cobham training centre, hoping in the meantime not to lose sight of Mount as well, because what made her best friend's sentimental situation much more complicated was Kai Havertz's indisposition to talk to him the next day after that incident.

According to Mason's account, it was impossible to find him in the morning, when in the dressing room he was more absent than he had expected. That was the last message he'd had from him since the morning, but he knew Mason wasn't fully recovered, let alone emotionally at ease. The thought that he would spend the rest of the day thinking about it didn't sit well with her, but she knew Mount had a particular problem with anxiety since his father's death, and she couldn't blame him.

She wasn't sure what she should do from her position, because while she knew she wanted to avoid at all costs getting into trouble that she didn't really have any direct involvement in, let alone with fellow members of her own football club, it was also her best friend that it was all about, and that didn't leave her feeling confident in not doing something about it. She wondered if maybe the right thing to do would be to look into it, if maybe she could be the one to talk to Kai, if that would make things worse, if maybe she should just try to make Mason forget about him, but how was it possible that this guy who her friend had told her about for so long, who went to his flat every night just to spend time together, who had assured him that he loved him, would totally refuse to talk to him and own up to him?

At the end of the training, her mind was still lost in these questions, and what she wished most of all was that someone could tell her what to do. 

—Hey, Er, are you okay? —asked Sam, who had seen her sitting for a few minutes now, staring blankly somewhere in the room. 

—Huh?

—I asked if you're okay —she smiled kindly— I guess not, eh?

—Uh, no... I mean, yeah. Yeah, it's, it's just... you know, it's just, it's been a weird day. 

—Lauren told me you didn't return home last night. Is everything all right?

—Yeah, it's okay, I, um, it's, it's actually about...

—Mason, isn't it? 

—Yeah, you know. Nothing serious, everything's fine, but, well, you know sometimes things are a bit difficult. 

—I hope he's doing better. You all right?

—Just a bit worried. There are a few things on my mind, that's all.

—Well, just one more game this week, cheer up. 

—God, I'd completely forgotten there's international games coming up... 

—You'll be in Scotland?

—Yeah, I got called back up for the national team.  

—And are you not happy? It's the sixth time now! That's great news, Er, you'll definitely be in the next national team tournament. 

—Yeah, yeah, it is, I'm really happy about it, it's just... well, I don't know, I think I need to relax. Sometimes I think I can't stop worrying, but, I mean, how does a person stop feeling so anxious when things aren't right?

—Honestly, I don't know. I can't stop either, although it proves you're a great friend —she said, shrugging her shoulders with a smile—. But it's true that you should give yourself a break. I'm not going to ask you what's going on, if you don't want to talk about it, but I think a couple of weeks in Scotland will definitely work in your favour. And, well, if you're interested, on Friday, my girlfriend and I will have a little get—together at home before we fly off to meet our national teams. 

—Thanks, mate. And I'd love to, but I gotta fly to Scotland with the team tomorrow night. 

—Ah, you're right. I completely forgot — she lamented, politely—. Seems all the European teams have requested that the players be allowed to leave a couple of days early. In Australia, we didn't...

Erin immediately looked back at her teammate, once she understood what she had just said.

—Wait... Is that why some of the girls weren't at training today?

—Yes, it is. I'm lucky to fly to Australia by the weekend, you guys will have to leave basically at the end of the game tomorrow, the Germans left two days ago, Sweden asked them to go....

—Two days ago?! Is that why Ann and Melanie aren't here?

—Yes, they have been in Germany since the beginning of the week. The club agreed to it, because the same applied to the men's team, they also left right at the start of the week.

—No, but... No, two days ago... Kai Havertz was at Kepa's party, wasn't he? They must have left later.

—Kai Havertz didn't go to Kepa's party —she said looking confused.

—Yes, he did. He did go to Kepa's party. 

—No, he definitely wasn't there. That's why none of the German players attended. Rüdiger was also invited.

—He didn't attend the party either?! It's, I mean, it's possible, but Kai Havertz was absolutely there.

—Er, he didn't go to the party, why do you say that? 

—No, no. He, he wasn't going to attend, as far as I know, but it seems like it was a last minute decision. He was there, although I haven't seen him today....

—You haven't seen him because he's been in Germany for two days — she explained calmly— They flew to Germany that day after training, I know because Antonio and some of the other German guys posted some stories on Instagram late at night, and Kai was in them.

—In, in Germany?

—Yes, at the team training camp. That's why I'm telling you.

—No, no, that's not possible. Kai couldn't be with them that day, he was at Kepa's party and the next day he had an appointment about tax stuff with Timo, Mason told me, he...

—Well, surely he didn't attend that appointment. Maybe he planned it before he knew he would be called up; he got the place last minute. I suppose he initially thought he wouldn't be called up, but one of the German strikers got injured on Monday.

—But he... he's, I mean, maybe, yeah, but.... 

—Er, I don't understand, why are you asking so many questions? Why do you care if he was at that party? We were together most of the time, did you see him?

—No, I didn't see him, but I know that... Well, I think, I think someone else saw him there...

—I don't think so, sis. None of the German players were in England that night, they all left in the afternoon. I'm telling you, but you can look it up yourself, pictures were even on the German national team's account. 

She didn't need another second to catch her word and turn her phone on immediately. Sam was still at her side, and although she had initially felt concerned for her, the conversation seemed to have taken on a different tone, and Erin's mood had changed as well. Now, more than worried, the blonde seemed desperate to search through the posts, stories and photos in which the German national team was tagged, and as quickly as she did she was able to prove what Sam had said: on the very night of Kepa's party, the German national team had shared a series of images showing the players arriving at the training centre,  On the same night as Kepa's party, the German national team had shared a series of images showing the players arriving at the training centre, and in the first of these, special congratulations went to those players who had been called up to the national team for the first time: Kai Havertz, Timo Werner and another player. There was no way he could have been at Kepa's party. There was simply no way, because when going through the posts in which Kai was tagged during all those days, there was enough evidence that he had appeared, that very night, in stories posted by his national teammates taken later, already visible in the dark of night. 

Kai had been in Germany that night, as well as the rest of the days after that. Kai had definitely not been at that party, but, if that was true, how was it possible that Mason had spoken to him that night, as he had told her in detail? And more to the point, how was it possible that he had even walked him back home, left him at his front door after midnight and watched him walk in, on the same night that he was in a hotel room in Berlin posting Instagram stories in real time? 

Both couldn't be true, that much was clear, but which was the only one she had no evidence of?

Her hands were icy cold as they held her phone and her blank stare went over all the possibilities, which only led her eventually to the same answer, and if she was puzzled before, she was more than alarmed now. 

—You see, Er? The Germans haven't been with the team for a while, they were the first to be requested by their team. 

—Shit...

—Are you all right? 

—It's... it's just that —without thinking too much, she stood up from her spot, quickly changing her shirt and boots— I, I gotta, I gotta see Mason right now.

—Oh. Okay, but are you all right? Is everything okay?

—Yeah. Thanks, Sam. Seriously, thanks, I needed this. 

—Uh, you're welcome? 

The blonde forgot to even put the used clothes in the hamper they were to be deposited in. She barely grabbed the sports bag in which she carried her most important belongings and hurried out of the locker room, without saying goodbye to anyone else, thinking nothing more than to approach the men's team courts and find her best friend, even though she really had no idea of the intention of doing so. 

What was she going to tell him? What did she want to ask him? It was really just the sheer anguish she felt at the information she'd just received, the anguish of thinking that something definitely strange was going on with Kai Havertz, and whatever it was, it had a lot to do with Mason and an extremely high risk of Mason getting hurt. 

 Even more than he was, and that was something she felt an enormous concern to take care of. She wanted to get to her best friend, to warn him of a danger that even she did not understand, and, before anything else, to know what the hell was going on with Havertz.

She was so focused on her own thoughts that she could hardly notice when, as she crossed one of the club's huge gardens, a voice was already calling her from the other side, a voice she knew well, but which she could not recognise until she was well within a couple of metres of each other. 

—Erin! 

—Huh? Ben! 

—Hey, I've been calling you since you came out of the locker room, I've been following you like crazy.

—Oh, gosh, sorry, I, I wasn't really paying attention.

—I noticed. Where you going?

—I need to find Mason. I just found out something very, very strange, and I don't know what to think.

—Uh, about what, exactly? Because...

—What? 

—I've got, I've got some concerns too. 

—About what? 

—About Mason and Kai. About Mason, especially. 

She sighed.

—Tell me you know the answer to this. 

—I think I know why you're worried, and...

—Are you worried too? Because —She sighed, letting the steam escape from her mouth in the freezing weather that afternoon— because then I'll get the chills.

—Er...

Ben couldn't force his voice to respond because, with his friend's face staring back at him, showing the most honest concern and desolation in her eyes, saying the words made him feel responsible for the reaction that would follow. And it was true that he was worried too, that he did not have an answer and that the possibilities were not what he would have wished for.

He let the air out of his lungs, dropped his arms, surrendering to the situation.

—I'm very, very concerned.  

—Shit — she grinned half-heartedly.

—Listen, I know you want to do something, but I'm afraid we're going to have to talk, analyse, and go over things thoroughly before we say anything to Mason. It's the right thing to do. 

Mason had received calls from his friends as soon as training was over, but he didn't really feel like answering them. Still, he wasn't irresponsible enough to leave them without a response. He had sent a message to Erin saying that he didn't feel like going home together at the moment, and that although everything was fine, he would prefer to hang out later in the evening before turning off his phone's reception. 

It had been a while since he had done so, but this time, he had decided to walk home, because although he was not in the best of moods, he knew well that perhaps one of the most reasonable things he could do was a quiet walk home that would allow him to clear his mind, calm down and begin to digest the things he could do no more than resign himself to. 

He had talked to Jack about it once, about those things he had no control over, and the helplessness of being in the middle of a problem he couldn't solve, couldn't even really grasp.

And while he didn't know it, at the same time, under the much less cloudy Berlin sky, the sunset painted the evening skies like coral and sapphire watercolours, even though the wind was just as ruthless.

Perhaps it was the same intensity with which it blew miles away across the sea, perhaps it was the same coldness on the skin, but Kai felt alone.

For a few minutes now, he had been still and silent, staring out of the window in the dining room. In front of him sat inert his plate of food, still with remnants of his salad, which he had eaten as much as he could, because he knew he had a responsibility to get it right and concentrate on the moment, on making the best possible impression. 

Because unlike his national teammates, he was not a star striker in one of Europe's top teams. Nor was he playing in the Champions League with his club, nor was he an undisputed Germany international since he was a teenager. He had been called up only five times in his life: three times when he was still a junior, when he first came to prominence with Bayer Leverkusen, once more before he left that team as a kind of try out with young players in the face of the increasing age of Germany's strikers, and once more now, as the older strikers had suffered injuries in a fortunate coincidence for him. So he had worked harder than usual in training, had chatted pleasantly and confidently with his coach and tried to act as professionally as possible, but it would have been a lie to claim that it was not costing him the full capability of, before his mind, his heart. 

Because even though he was in a place where he could be distracted from his normality, where he should be focused, he felt as if a part of himself was still in England, and was desperately begging him not to ignore what was echoing in his mind at times when he forgot what he was supposed to be doing. 

Why was this happening? Was it simply the way it was meant to be? Was it something that was always going to happen? Was it his fault? Why was it happening again? It was like a misfortune, one he had never wanted, never understood, but it seemed to cling to him like some kind of ghost behind his back. And the problem was that the answers never seemed to be anywhere, and that would lead to pain, for himself and for all the people around him.

That made him feel like there was a tightness in his throat, but more than that, an emptiness in his chest, one that was impossible to fill. He had never known how to describe it, but it was there, before he went to sleep, when he looked in the mirror, when he felt that a part of himself wasn't really where it was supposed to be, and struggling with living day to day without understanding what was wrong with himself.

It was uncomfortable, rather than painful. It was a feeling of pressure that he was sure had no name, but made him stop chewing the food in his mouth, made him lose his appetite.

Still, he knew he had to eat, and eat healthily, because he was at the German national team training camp.

Chapter Text

The last few days had been so difficult that Mason was actually grateful, as much as rueful, for the coincidence of being on international break times and not having to worry about the team's upcoming fixtures for a while.

They'd had less frequent training sessions, even a couple of days off altogether, when he'd had a chance to visit his mother in Portsmouth and spend a night at home with his family, just like when he was a kid. He did not remember how comforting it was to be able to sleep in a house where he was not alone at any time; to know that in the next room there would be somebody to keep him company, that when he went down to breakfast there would be two more people at the table, and he would not have a perpetual silence accompanying him while his thoughts took over, that there would be voices talking to him about real conversations, even if they were the most trivial conversations he could think of: the ordinariness was indeed a blessing he had learned to appreciate after he had lost it, but it was domestic, comfortable and a breath of fresh air in the midst of all the events of his day to day life.

He could say that he had learned to handle crises much better than before, that was for sure. All in spite of how strange the recent days had been, when the situation with Kai had been joined by the strange behaviour of his best friends, the awkwardness of meeting his teammates and pretending that nothing different was going on in his life and, if that wasn't enough, the insistence in the last few days from his coach to make it clear to him how important he was for the team now that he would be playing the next few games as a starter in the initial eleven.

Tuchel had emphasised to him that this was not circumstantial or a shot in the dark, but the result of his efforts over the last few months, in training and in matches, of his good performances. He had told him, in his own words, that his place was something he had earned, and that now that the team was in a position in the table that assured them a place in European competitions if the pace continued, it was more important than ever to do his job well. 

And all that, rather than motivation, among all the things going on around him, sounded rather like pressure. 

Still, the training had not been demanding enough to take his mind off the kind of problems that really filled his thoughts, and that was something he would have been grateful for. It had given him time, however, to think of better things to do with his feelings away from self-destructive tendencies, something he feared even more than loneliness, even more than disappointment, because, in truth, these prowled around in the pain he was always trying to run away from.

It was not easy, but he had learned to handle it much better, to keep a calm as sturdy as the ice layer that covered the lake in Battersea Park, where he could still see the water moving underneath it. After all, the deeply marshy lands of the park had been nourished by the recent heavy rains, and though the sky that day had called a truce to the storms, dark clouds were constantly crossing in front of the warm rays of sunshine, releasing small, light drizzles barely noticeable to him, but rather more noticeable to the hair of the girl who walked beside him.

—Oh, here it comes again —Aisha said sympathetically, covering her head with the wide cap of her mackintosh as she pulled it on before more drops soaked her hair.

—The rain? I don't think it's going to stop for the afternoon. 

—At least the rainbows are worth it —she admitted, as her phone snapped a couple of colourful spectres crossing the sky between the open clouds on the horizon. He knew that such a picture would look great on Instagram next to the ones he'd taken earlier of her in her lilac trench coat.

—It's a nice picture.

—Thank you. I took an online course on this. My consultant says I should approach the fashion content and not just focus on the hair and make—up scene. 

—They put a bit of pressure on you about it, don't they?

—Is it too obvious? —she asked, as they started walking back to the side of the lake.

—Maybe it's just that I've never met a person in this, uh, world of, of social media and beauty and stuff. 

—Yeah, I can guess. No offence, but you post on Instagram once a month at most — she smiled, eliciting the same reaction from Mason — though, well, I don't know, I guess it's true. I think, if there was no need for it, I'd keep things private too. 

—It's much more comfortable that way when, when... things aren't going quite so well. It's strange, you know, when you realise that when you see everybody else's life you get that little need to project an image of your own. It's something that happens to me more often than I'd like, you know, seeing other people living amazing lives and stuff, sometimes I wish I had something like that, but the truth is that the last few months haven't been the best.

—Well, most of us have this sort of fake life, ad life. It becomes like a job, honestly. You show your real life, that's way cooler. 

—My real life is that there's not much to show, I guess —he smiled in a rather resigned way. He knew Aisha was curious, questions she probably wasn't going to ask him, and he appreciated the fact that she wasn't asking them. In recent days they had accidentally bumped into each other at the mall, gone out for a coffee on her initiative, and while she was someone he felt safe talking to, he also didn't feel close enough to talk to her about his biggest problems like he did with his best friends or with Kai.

The problem was that, in recent days, neither of them seemed to want to talk to him too much. And meanwhile, Aisha was there, excited to meet him and get to know him further.

After all, they had only met just over a week ago. The chemistry was immediate, but he wasn't sure they both had the same intentions. 

For sure, as he walked through that park in the intermittent drizzle with her and talked about the most recent events in their lives, barely enough to allow the other to understand the context of the person with whom they were, he couldn't help but think that the intentions of hanging out with her were nothing more than to distract his mind and talk to someone, given the distance from the most important people in his life.

As he had told Aisha earlier, it had been a couple of days since he had seen his best friends even from a distance. He had a feeling they were avoiding him, which was something he would understand if he'd heard the situation from anyone, but not from himself, much less when it came to Erin and Ben. He had met Cuthbert in his first year at the academy, in 2016, when one of his teammates had practically forced him to approach her and find out if she had a boyfriend: what he had found out then was that, besides being a very funny girl and having similar musical tastes, she wasn't interested in boys at all, but in girls. And she hadn't hesitated for a second to be honest with him about it, she had never had a secret to keep from him, so the fact that in the last few days there were suddenly so many obstacles every time he tried to meet her, that their conversations were so short, was both baffling and concerning. On top of that, he had to add Ben's attitude, who, rather than giving him answers, had raised suspicions that whatever was going on, perhaps it wasn't all about Erin. Ben was not acting like his usual self either: he had met him just before turning eighteen, in a bar where he hadn't been able to consume alcohol until the company of a 19—year—old Chilwell had allowed him to do so. After that, the friendship had developed naturally as they were both fans of the same football club and matched Ben's transparent and sensitive personality: Mason had never before had a male friend with whom he could talk openly about his feelings, share and listen to his fears, dreams and emotions, and that was the sort of thing that was always consistent with him. That was why it now seemed so odd to notice his friend's uneasiness each of the times that week when he had gone to his office to visit him, as usual, after training. In the office, where they usually chatted while Ben worked, the last few times he had barely looked him in the eye, he seemed too busy at work and the worry on his face was more than obvious when they talked about Kai, Erin and the team. And it was clearly concerning to him, because Ben didn't hide that kind of thing, he never had, and moreover, there were no lies between the two of them. 

He had spoken to Aisha about it, though not in great detail. She was sympathetic and caring, definitely a good listener to others, but touching on those issues only reminded him that there was something wrong, and that maybe avoiding it by going out to the park with this new girl was not what he should be doing. The truth was, at the same time, what else could he do? Going out with her, despite the beautiful afternoon and the water violets in their path, didn't feel right,  But it was the best effort he could make at self—preservation amid the questions he had no answers to, the depressing nature of it, and how much he missed just running into Kai's arms when he saw him walk through his door, now that it was completely impossible.

He hadn't answered any of his messages, he'd tried his phone number and even his Instagram account, but the truth was that any time seemed inappropriate when he knew he was on his second official call—up to the German national team. He'd watched their games, though even seeing him for a couple of minutes on the screen felt like too much of a gamble to not trigger that enormous sadness and unease in himself that came from remembering they hadn't spoken in days, after that last eventful interaction. The night before, after the last game, impulsivity had led him to call him, without getting an answer. He waited until the last of the tones, but didn't try again, because in spite of everything, he had to retain at least some integrity to speak to him again at practice the next day, after a whole week and a half of sending messages that never got a response. 

That day would be the next morning. He knew he was going to see him face to face and he had questions to ask, he had apologies to make, but he also had explanations to demand. Was it a problem he could cross off the list or one more to add to it? He didn't know, and though he tried not to think about it too much, he couldn't stop the hint of anxiety from creeping in and changing his mood in the midst of the conversation with Aisha. 

Of course, it wasn't easy to hide it from her, because not only was she good at listening to others, but she was also perceptive.

—Mason, are you okay?

—Huh? Uh, yeah, well, yeah, I mean... yeah, you know, what I told you about how these days have been a bit...

—Confusing.

—Yeah, exactly. Confusing.

—I get it. And, uh, it's not just your friends, is it?

—You're very smart, you know?  

—My mother says it's not about asking, it's about listening. Besides, I'm a Gemini, there's not a story I don't want to hear —she shrugged her shoulders, with an amused tone—. But, hey, seriously; there's nothing wrong with that. 

—I think it's a bit rude to talk to you about such things, doesn't it bother you?

—If you think about it, really, it's like telling me about anything else in your life. You're just telling me how you're doing. The fact that you feel it's rude makes me think that there's a context that makes it different for you. 

Unfortunately for him, he didn't have a sufficiently clever answer to reply to that, so he'd only been able to laugh with an embarrassment he hoped wasn't too noticeable.

—There is. You're right. It's something else, and these have been strange days in that regard. 

—You look sad about it.

—Well, I, it's, I mean... no, it's not as big a deal as it sounds, it's, it's just... someone, someone I sometimes hang out with and, right now, uh, well.... Right now it's all a bit confusing.

—Oh. I see... Hey, well, I hope things are better now.

—No, not really, if I'm honest with you —he said, putting his hands in his pockets and looking her straight ahead—. It's not okay, but... I think learning to be at ease when things aren't okay is a valuable thing. Being comfortable in discomfort, because... sometimes life can't be any other way. 

—Oh, well... —she said, with a certain tone of disapproval—. That sounds hard to accept.

—What do you mean?

—I mean that it's a bit difficult to have to accept things that aren't the way we want them to be. 

—Well, when it comes to things like a relationship, it's not just the things we want that matter, it's the things the other person wants. And right now I'm not sure we're on the same channel.

—So you were in a relationship.

—Oh, uh, well... it's, I mean, not really, it's not like I can talk about it in past tense, I just think it's all, it's kind of weird, but it's not, it's not a definite thing. Or so I think, it's, it's hard to say.

—Why don't you two talk about it? 

—Yes, I would if only my phone calls were answered.

—Oh, shit... —she expressed in surprise, inevitably looking at the floor. Aisha cleared her throat uncomfortably before speaking again—. That, that sounds, honestly, not good. Have you been ignored for a long time?

—Ignored? Uh, well, it's just I don't, I don't think I'm being ignored, or, or I don't know.

—Uh, it seems pretty much like that.

—No, no, I don't, I don't think it's that, I think it's just, it's just a complicated situation, you know? I don't know. It's, it's just that this person is very... particular and sometimes I can't tell what is in their head. I often don't know what they're thinking, and maybe this time things went a little bit too far. It's hard to know. 

—Mason, I don't think that's right. You should communicate, and if this person doesn't, I think you should set boundaries —he said calmly, as she looked at the flower between her fingers that she had recently cut from one of the trees by the road—. You're sweet, you shouldn't have to go through things like being so worried about something like that.

He didn't know exactly what to say to that. He couldn't deny that the thought had been in his mind more than once, but convincing himself that Kai had no bad intentions was an easy thing to do, because he wasn't a bad person, the problem was that not being able to understand him had a quirky side and a much more worrying one. And that was the worrying side that for some time now he had avoided remembering he would have to face.

It wasn't easy to admit. He didn't even want to, but maybe hearing it from someone else made it a good moment to acknowledge that there was a lot about Kai that he didn't know.

And all that he didn't know was working against him.

—Setting boundaries.

—You football players don't do that a lot, do you?

—Well, I think I'm actually the one who's not an expert at it. I've let things go too far.

—Setting boundaries is an important thing —she stressed, in a relaxed tone but looking at him squarely—. It sounds fun to push everything to the limit, you know, bad habits, anger, fun, love, all that. But then you let all that stuff into your life without boundaries as well. 

—It sounds like a good idea, until it's hard to control things because there are no boundaries. Now that you mention it, I don't think I've done what I should have. 

—Well, you know? I mean, you football players are just always like, ‘Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir,’ obeying all the time, and that's a little hard to unlearn. It's not your fault it's hard to say ‘no.’

—God, I know... —he admitted with a shrug—. If I'm honest with you, I don't really know what to do with it yet — his gaze still unable to leave the ground and his back increasingly hunched.

—Surely it must... it must be difficult —she said, the tone in her voice showing that she was careful with her words, at the concern in Mason's expression. 

That made Mason look up.

—Oh, God, uh, I think I'm talking about it too much... I'm, I'm sorry, I mean, this, this must be kind of awkward, I don't mean to get everything off my chest when we're....

—...Going out together, I get it —she smiled, a little embarrassed—. It's all right, don't worry. It's interesting to hear about these things, it's nice to really get to know you and not just superficially.

—No, no, I'm sorry, really, I... I'm sorry. I don't think it's the best impression I could make, I'm sorry.

—Oh, no, actually I... —she gestured, not really finishing her words— Honest conversations are so refreshing. That whole world of influencers, my father's business partners, fancy dinners... it's full of fake people. It's nice to talk to a man who can really open up.

The automatic reaction for Mason had been a silent chuckle, but he understood Aisha's position exactly. She was a complete opposite person to him on the surface, their lives running on completely different channels, yet he understood what it was like to have to keep a public appearance despite the problems within, he understood what it was like to feel alone even when surrounded by people, he understood also the longing for deeper conversations, for authenticity, for honesty.

—You are a lovely soul. Thank you for not bothering with it, Aisha, it's, it's just something that's on my mind too much these days.

—Don't worry, I mean it, I can't blame you. It's been a tough few months for you, I understand —she smiled sympathetically—. And I think that lad is definitely in your heart.

Mason looked at her immediately. She hadn't spoken at such a high volume, but being heard by others wasn't exactly what worried Mason, it was the fact that she knew, and that had filled his face with fear in a second.

—Y—you...? Uh, how did you...?

—It's okay, it's okay.

—Did I say, did I say his name? Do you know? 

—No. No, I think it was a fluke that I got it right.

—Oh, wow... 

—Yeah, well, that's not... it's not relevant if you... —she cleared her throat— Mason, I just... I'd like to ask you something, okay? —she said, her tone more serious, though gentle— Mason, are you into me?

The question had taken him by surprise, and while he was aware that her interest was genuine, he hadn't expected having to set a definition to how he felt about her. Upfront and clear.

Perhaps that kind of face to face clarification was what she meant by ‘setting boundaries’.

—Uh... yeah. Yeah, well, sure, I mean, you're beautiful, and you're kind and you're a very nice person, like, who wouldn't be into you? You know, it's just that at this moment in my life...

—Right now your heart is in love with him, isn't it? —That question was as difficult as it was simple to answer. Of course he knew what he felt, of course he had an answer based on what he felt, but his mind was now so confused and so much had happened in recent days that it all sounded completely ridiculous. Not a single word could come out of his mouth, and that was evident to her after a while—. Don't worry. You don't have to answer —she said, giving him a half smile—. I'm into you, I'm really into you, Mason, so I think he's completely worth it, because... that connection you two have must be a strong one if he can have someone like you truly in love, you know? 

He smiled, though inside, he wasn't in the mood for it. 

—I'm sorry I have been acting like that today.

—Don't apologise. I got to really know about you today, and what I found out is that you're full of deep feelings, you care about others, you're sensitive, and you're really cute. Honestly, I'd say ‘yes’ in a heartbeat —she admitted with a giggle—. But you're really in love with that boy, and I sure expect him to be in love with you. 

That made him feel a kind of confidence that he couldn't fully explain. He knew that Aisha probably hadn't come to that place, on a nice rainy afternoon by the puddles of water, the flowers and the rainbows in the sky waiting for things to turn out the way they were happening now, but still, she was gentle, and she was there, accompanying him and smiling at him as if it was no problem at all.

—You're really cool.

—You are too —she smiled, blushing in a way that none of them could have explained. The girl sighed, as they neared the end of one of the small lakes—. Uh, and... well, I gotta record some stuff at a restaurant with my friends in a couple of hours, would you like to come along?

—Oh, that would be great, but I've got a few appointments in the evening —he replied apologetically. The last thing he wanted was to be rude to her.

—Oh, I see. Don't worry, I understand.

—But I would love for it to happen soon! The weekdays are usually not very busy, so...

—Maybe next week.

—And your father does literally always have a seat at Stamford Bridge, so...

—That's true. I'll definitely start attending games more frequently.

Mount smiled at this sort of compliment that he didn't really know how to receive. 

The truth was that the engagements he'd been referring to were nothing more than meeting Erin. She had spent the entire past week in a sort of quiet attitude, one that Mason didn't recognize at all when they had known each other for over five years where they had told each other their deepest secrets, worries, and thoughts, when he knew that she could call him out on even the most minimal of activities just because a conversation between the two of them was simply always fun.

Erin wasn't the kind of person to walk away from people without explanation, and he hoped she wasn't doing that, because he couldn't find a reason for it, especially not when he was at such a sensitive time in his life. He had wondered about all the possible reasons why she might be upset, but there was no logic to it, much less when she herself had made it clear to him that she was not.

So he hadn't hesitated for a second to agree when she had proposed meeting up that afternoon, after seeing Aisha, to spend the rest of the day together. Mason had proposed going together to a new Japanese restaurant near their address, but Erin had insisted that before that she had a couple of things to do, for which she would require his company, but she hadn't made it clear what they were, and didn't seem to intend to do so.

—Er.

—Hm?

—I know you thought letting me choose the music was something that was going to distract me, and it is, but I can't help noticing that you're a bit... Quiet?

—I'm not —she said, with an offbeat laugh, though more focused on driving—. It's just that it's Lauren's car, I don't want any scrapes or anything.

—Okay...so are you okay, mate?

Mason gave her a sceptical look, but Erin was adamant in her response, not explaining further. He shrugged and went back to staring out the window, trying to enjoy the music and the scenery that was passing by. 

However, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. Erin seemed distant, and it wasn't just her earlier response. There was something in her eyes, in the way she drove, that told him she was worried about something.

After a while, Erin took an exit off the main road and headed toward a residential neighborhood. Mason straightened up in his seat, curious.

—Hey, uh, by the way, this place we're heading to, is it still far from here? —He asked—, because I think I'm hungry.

—Yeah, sure, uh, we can stop by for some food. I think there's a Notes down the road, would you like some coffee? —Erin replied, without elaborating.

—It's not exactly what I had in mind, but I think it might ease my hunger for a while. I still want sushi, —he warned, barely managing a fleeting smile from the blonde, who nodded in agreement.

Mason frowned, but didn't insist. It puzzled him, and it was overwhelming how weird things had been lately in every aspect of his life. Still, she was his best friend: he knew Erin would tell him anything once she was ready.

They barely had to move out of the way to get to the cafeteria: Mason ordered a hot drink for both of them and large biscuits, choosing her favorite flavor in an involuntary bid to appeal to how well he knew her to remember that they did, in fact, probably know each other better than anyone else, despite the way everything felt at the moment.

They ate mostly in small talk, chatting about the last few days, when Erin and Alsu had started sleeping in the same bed, unbeknownst to their roommates. Despite the lightheartedness of the topic, he hadn't quite managed to get the conversation to acquire that fun mood that usually existed between the two, but he preferred to chalk it up to the fact that she was focused on the road.

So he decided to look at the road as well, only to realise that the uncrowded avenues they were driving on now looked familiar. The streets, somewhat distant from the city centre, where entire lots were still undeveloped and the landscape looked a little quieter than usual, were so familiar to him that he was quick to recognise the place they were in.

—Hey, this place...

—We're in the right part of town, aren't we? This is... close to the house where we went to Kepa's party.

—Yeah, yeah, although... I mean, this is closer to Kai's house. 

—Okay. Could you, could you guide me to the place where Kai lives? Do you remember?

—But why would we go there? Kai will not be back in London until tonight, I'm sure he's not home. 

—I know, I know, the intention is not to meet him... 

—What? What do you mean by that?

—Just, just trust me. Can you tell me where to drive to?

—Uh, well, it's, it's this way, just keep going two streets and then left... Er, I don't, I don't understand, why are we here? —he asked.

Erin turned to him, her expression serious.

—Mason, I need you to help me a bit, these... —she said, unable to finish her words— These are the streets you walked the other night with Kai, right? Are we on the right path?

—Yeah, yeah, I mean, I couldn't forget, I literally have the address on my phone because I was planning to visit him later, but... Er, seriously, I don't think this is the best time to do it.

—No, we're not going to visit him, just, just tell me, what's the exact address?

He picked up his phone, checked his notes and copied the text that was there into the map app on his phone, thus helping the voice guide to lead his friend on the quickest way to the indicated address. 

—Is this the right block? —she said after turning the corner of the street.

—Yes, this is the right one. I remember that tree next to the blue house a few metres away. 

—And where was his house?

—Right in the middle of the block, it was.....

Mason remained silent. The place where the block reached the middle, and at least four lots around that point, were empty. On both sides of the street, for whereas one side displayed adjoining signs advertising the land for sale, across the pavement was nothing but a textile warehouse and its small car park next to it.

—Mase? 

—... It was right here —he answered slowly. He looked around at the rest of the street, whose remaining spaces were occupied by not very tall apartment buildings and a handful of businesses along its edges. None, not a single one of the buildings, even remotely resembled the homely, barely two—storey house he had accompanied Havertz to the week before—. But, but the rest of the street... it's all identical. It must be this place.

—The cellar, the empty lots, the tree? Are you sure it was this street where the house was? Do you remember seeing all this?

—Yes. Yes, everything, absolutely everything was identical, but...

—Are you absolutely sure, 

—Yes, of course, I mean, I even made note of the address! This is the place, but, but the house... the house was right there —he pointed, at the hard look on Erin's face.

—Where those empty lots are.

—Well... yes. 

Erin didn't answer. Instead, she got out of the car, looking around, at the adjacent street that was visible through the empty space between properties. She took a deep breath, then looked at him expectantly. Mason got out too, looking around, unable to articulate his thoughts.

—There's nothing built in this space. 

—I'm... I'm very confused, Er. I don't, I don't understand, I don't understand how could... —he said. He was beginning to feel uncomfortable.

—Mase, I am too.

Mason was frozen. There was so much going through his mind that he couldn't even focus on the present to really analyse it.

—Why are you saying that? —He said, trying to remain calm, as she hoped he would.

Erin sighed.

—Let's just... let's just get out of here, Mase —she said, suddenly coming over to hug him—. We'll get sushi, let's just get out of here.

Mason accepted that hug as well, but not with the emotion he expected, nor did he get the kind of emotions he usually got from Erin. He knew something wasn't right.

He'd barely gotten any rest the night before. Hanging out with Erin was only somewhat reassuring: while they'd been able to be together for more than a few minutes after several days when it had seemed impossible, having some peaceful time together was barely possible when what had happened earlier in the evening was on his mind. Erin had avoided the subject for the rest of the night, though he himself hadn't tried too hard to bring it to the table, as there was no point when it was obvious that neither of them had an answer for what had happened, but a worried face every time they forgot the fun of the moment and their minds began to wander to what they wouldn't allow themselves to talk about. 

Of course, ignoring the elephant in the room was uncomfortable, but there wasn't much else he could have done that night. Sleeping hadn't been easy either; he longed for the nights when he could hear the sound of Kai coming through the door, hear his voice announce his arrival, see his thin figure walk up to the kitchen island to sit on it and look out through the window, at the highway in the background that entertained them while coy conversations and flirtations occupied their gazes and their hands, which always struggled to avoid touching each other in overly obvious ways.

The thrill of it, the joy, the desire to just be with him and to somehow feel like they were in a little world where it was just the two of them. Those kinds of memories sounded so distant now that they only provoked an unbearable fear in his mind, a feeling that brought him so close to anxiety that it set off alarms in his mind, because that was a feeling he knew well, and one that had driven him to the darkest places in the months after his father's death.

Knowing he was threatened by what he and Jack had been able to recognise as a traumatic situation put the gravity of the situation in perspective, but sometimes being proud of his progress did not equate to being more capable of handling it. He knew that the paralysing fear of anxiety was inherent in the trauma, but understanding it was not enough to face it with complete confidence. 

So after midnight Mason stared at the ceiling of his room, noticing how the moonlight crept through the half—open curtains, casting eerie shadows that seemed to move with the rhythm of his agitated breathing. He couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that had been with him since the afternoon, since he couldn't find Kai's house where he was supposed to be, how could that be possible? He clearly remembered the address, the structure of the house, every detail. Hell, he'd written it all down from the night they'd walked there after Kepa's party, he'd done it in almost complete sobriety exactly with the intention of visiting it again soon, he couldn't have been wrong. Besides, the rest of the details in the street were exactly what he remembered, how was it possible that it all seemed to have vanished into thin air?

And Erin had tried to distract him from it, telling him that he shouldn't obsess over what had happened, that there had to be an explanation for it, but it was impossible to cover the sun with a finger. Even more so after everything they had shared and how, in the last few days, he seemed totally detached from reality, a situation for which he didn't even have an explanation. 

After lots of tossing and turning in bed looking for a way to silence his mind, exhaustion finally got the better of him, and he fell into a restless sleep around two in the morning, his phone in the palm of his hand on the bed and the bedroom blinds he had forgotten to close rattling in the wind. Rest had been brief, though; he woke before dawn on his own, no alarm needed, his heart pounding and his mind full of anxious thoughts. He had dreamed about him, but not as he would have expected: in this dream, Mason could see himself in bed, though he knew he wasn't asleep; Kai was calling to him from downstairs, he recognised his voice, and in less than a second, he watched his own body rise with a smile on his face, rushing down the stairs, almost running, to find Havertz sitting at his kitchen island, though he couldn't fully see him. Kai's silhouette was bright, and although he could see it on all the reflective surfaces inside the kitchen, on the cabinet he could only see a bright light that he couldn't reach. 

His own struggle with the inexplicable urge that kept him from approaching him had woken him from his slumber. On his sheets, the chill of the morning surrounded him, and the thought of seeing Kai again after two weeks turned his stomach inside out, a knot of anxiety building in his stomach.

Mason got up slowly, trying to remain calm and not freak himself out. He made his way to the bathroom, looking for a way to clear his mind in the hot water of the shower: the steam filled the small space, wrapping him in a warm embrace that contrasted with the coldness of his thoughts. He stood under the stream of water longer than necessary, trying to organise his feelings, even though by the end of the shower, he knew in advance that his own mind was trying to tell him that he was not in the best shape to face the things he had to face on an ordinary day of training in which he was supposed to concentrate on the weekend's game, a duel against West Ham, who along with a couple of other teams, had been their closest challengers in the race for European qualification for the last few weeks, constantly changing positions in that area of the league table. 

The cold, grey morning greeted him as he stepped out onto the pavement with his bag over his shoulder, a light mist blanketing the streets of London as the morning sun rose. Alsu attended English class early in the mornings, so it was no sacrifice for Erin to turn down her teammates' car to join Mason on his way to the club. Though the frosty air was bitter on their faces and the sound of their footsteps echoed in the stillness of the morning, she was in a much more upbeat mood than the day before, and though Mason wondered why, he wasn't going to complain about it, because he was grateful for the effort as well.

On the bus, Mount sat by the window, watching the city slowly awaken. Traffic was increasing, and the lights of cars and buses formed long lines on the main avenues. Erin sat next to him, trying to cheer him up with her light chatter, though Mason could barely concentrate on her words.

—You know? —Erin said, inviting him to place one of the headphones connected to his phone in his ear—. We could go for breakfast at that café you like after practice. I was planning to take Alsu there, but I think you could join us.

—No, no, it's okay, Er. You should go on a date with her, I don't want to be a third wheel —he smiled friendly.

—I mean, I get it, but don't worry, she likes you, it's not a bother... Besides, she's a bit worried about you still, since last week.

—Oh, uh... I had forgotten a bit about that, uh... Could you, could you tell her it's all right? I, uh, that day I didn't, I couldn't give her a better explanation.

—Well, you wouldn't be doing it now.

—I know... I'm going to make up for it, she was very kind to me.

—Don't worry about it, she'll understand.

Mason gave a weak smile. He sighed, as a thought reached his mind again.

—I wish I could be calmer. I still don't understand what's going on with Kai.

Erin sighed and took his hand.

—I don't know, Mase. It's hard to know, it's all so confusing, but, hey, you don't have to think about it now.

Mason leaned back in the seat, his gaze somewhere ahead. 

—I feel so lost. I don't know what I'm going to say to Kai when I see him —he confessed, his voice barely a whisper—. I don't understand why everything is so messed up right now, and I just... I don't want to lose him.  

Erin looked at him sympathetically. She didn't have an answer for it, so she shifted in the seat in a way she could slip one of her arms behind his back and comfort him in a friendly gesture.

The bus ride seemed longer than it really was. When the two finally arrived at Chelsea FC's training centre, the sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon, tinting the sky a soft shade of orange. The morning chill was still present, and Mason shivered slightly as he stepped off the bus.

Erin walked beside him, until their paths had to part on their way to the locker room, when she gave him one last smile of encouragement before continuing on to join her teammates. Her presence was comforting amidst the storm of emotions, but he had to continue on alone, concentrate on training and teamwork heading into the crucial games the next couple of weekends. Mason knew he could no longer avoid confrontation, that he had to face his fears and doubts, but for now, all he could do was focus on the training, on the day-to-day tasks, hoping to find a distraction in what he could control, amid the chaos that seemed to be the rest. 

And so he had managed to do so, at least during the day's practice. Concentrating on the exercise, on giving his best effort, filling his mind with football and nothing else, was something that could make him feel as good as in those days when things were so much simpler; since childhood, football had always been foremost in his mind, and making it his main thought was a well-established tool he had. From the age of eight he knew that being a professional footballer was his goal, and so he had learned to make his club and his game the main part of his life, his biggest purpose, putting the rest on the back burner when it came to putting Chelsea first. It was comfortable for him and kept him from feeling like he was avoiding things; football was simply more important and brought him closer to his dreams, so not having time for the rest of it seemed the most logical thing to do then.

And yet, things changed, just like life. After losing someone, things had changed inside him too, priorities shifted.

After losing someone, things had changed inside him too, priorities seemed to have really shifted: losing his father had reminded him that, even if he lost everything, he would never have hesitated to choose first the life of a person he loved so much. That kind of thing could not be replaced. 

Something he had clearly learned from his father's death was that football was not really the most important thing in his life. Not even close, because in the face of reality, he would have completely sacrificed the rest of his career in exchange for being able to stay a couple more years with his father, he would have given anything not to lose all the future moments he could have had with someone he loved with his whole heart, to tell him again that he was the best father in the world and that he had so much to thank him for.

The pain in his chest every time he remembered his voice, his hugs, his jokes, his advice, his dreams; everything he could never live again, was a pain that had no remedy, a pain so deep that it was worse than any other.

It reminded him that things had changed, that his priorities were not the same, but that, as he had also learned, football was a tool that could keep him occupied in a healthy way. 

Besides, the important matches ahead were reason enough to demand his attention: that much had become clear to him after the brief but stern talk his coach had had with him.

—I hope so. This afternoon we will see some videos about the rivals, so the whole team will have to....

His voice had automatically left his ears when, just a few meters away, the crestfallen figure of Kai Havertz caught his attention. The German walked, slightly separated from the rest of his teammates, towards the locker room, and although he didn't look as chill as usual, he didn't seem preoccupied either. He even seemed lost in his own thoughts, just like Mason at that moment.

—Uh, boss, could you excuse me for a moment? 

—Don't worry, Mason, see you in an hour at....

—Yeah, see you.