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Duty.
That’s something that Beatrice had to learn early in life.
Growing up, it was ingrained in her that it was her duty to be the perfectly normal daughter of one of the most influential families in Britain.
Part of that duty , she was told, was learning several languages she didn’t think she really need; consuming knowledge like a supercomputer at work; becoming the top of her class in boarding school; becoming a black belt on several martial arts she lost count already; and being able to throw a shuriken or any kind of sharp object as straight as she is expected to be.
What they didn’t tell her but was made clear nonetheless was that part of that duty was to forget and repress that part of herself she was taught was a sin; to hate what or who she is; and to never expect any form of love, but only pain.
It was what pushed her to be a Sister Warrior after all. Pain.
It was her duty to serve God to save her eternal soul from eternal damnation.
It was what drove her to join the OCS, what made her a Sister Warrior, and what made her who she is… or was.
Until she met Ava.
For Beatrice, Ava Silva was a means to an end. At least in the beginning.
It is her duty to fight alongside the Warrior Nun, yes, but it is, first and foremost, her duty to protect the Halo and to ensure that it was safe within the premises of Cat’s Cradle.
She doesn’t know exactly when that changed for her – from protecting the halo and the warrior nun to protecting Ava .
Was it when this new girl who everybody seemed to avoid like a plague sat with her in that cafeteria, joking and smiling but still unmistakeably looking lost and desperate to fit in and belong?
Or maybe it was when this stranger suddenly wrapped her arms around her, surprising Beatrice with the feeling of someone’s touch – of someone’s embrace – after going so long without it?
Or perhaps it was that time when she found herself making a joke to comfort a formerly dead girl after said formerly dead girl was unfairly accused of killing herself?
Beatrice can list hundred different times when it might have changed for her… but Beatrice knows at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter because, deny as she might, she cares for Ava… more than a Sister Warrior should care for a Warrior Nun.
And that is where the problem lies.
She cares for Ava too much that she forgets her duty .
For the first time in her life, Beatrice cares for someone more than she cares about fulfilling her duty .
Her duty that, for the longest time, has given her purpose; has fueled her will to live; has motivated her to wake up each morning and find the courage to face the day; and has made the person she is today: a badass sister warrior.
Yet, she chose to disregard her duty, chose to be selfish and let her emotions drive her actions which could cost them the lives of many people – the safety of the world – all because she couldn’t lose Ava.
She didn’t want to lose Ava.
It is her fault that Adriel is still out there. It is her choice that allowed Adriel to continue to freely roam the Earth and continue to possess people with demons.
Yet… she would do it again if it means Ava lives.
Still… she doesn’t want to burden Ava with the consequences of her actions. It is Beatrice’s choice – one she has to live with – not Ava’s, and so she has to be the one to fix it.
She knows that she has to let Ava go, so the latter could be safe and free from the threats of Adriel and his cult, but she also knows that she, herself, has to stay, no matter how tempting Ava’s offer to run away with her might be; no matter how the hurt and forlorn look in Ava’s eyes broke Beatrice’s heart and threatened her resolve.
Her time in Switzerland with Ava is the happiest of her life.
But reality has caught up with them… with her. They are not in Switzerland anymore.
Beatrice is a Sister Warrior. It is her duty to rid the world of demons… and she will do it. She has to do it.
…
But not at the cost of losing Ava…
Ava is admittedly an impulsive person.
With everything she wasn’t able to do because she was a quadriplegic, stuck in an orphanage, and cared for by the spawn of the devil disguised as the daughter of God, Ava feels like she is making up for lost time while simultaneously trying to save the world from the devil himself.
She knows her responsibilities as the warrior nun and she is trying her damn best to meet all that is expected from her, but not at the expense of not living her life.
She knows that she and Beatrice were basically undercover nuns in hiding in those 2 months in the Alps, but she can’t deny that it was… and still is the best 2 months of her life.
She and Beatrice were able to build a life in Switzerland however short that stay might be. Frankly, while she was itching to do something about Adriel, she wouldn’t have minded staying in Switzerland with Beatrice more.
She wouldn’t have minded waking up in the morning cuddled with her favorite person in the world, or captivating brown eyes or freckled pretty face being the first thing she sees when she opens her eyes. She wouldn’t have minded training with Beatrice, working at the Bar La Vasseur , making an incredible Cuba Libre, going home with or to Beatrice.
It was heaven on earth.
So when their plan to stop Adriel failed, could anyone really blame her when she asked Beatrice to run with her back to the Alps, back to their little paradise?
And could anyone really blame her that when Beatrice basically shut her off – something Beatrice haven’t done for so long, not since their moment in Arq Tech when they read Sister Melanie’s entry – she tracked down the only person she thinks could helped them?
No, she doesn’t think so.
Her trip to the other side had been enlightening. Michael is right. She has to die for everyone… for Beatrice… to live. That is the fate of the warrior nun.
If she can’t live her life – if she can’t stop her death – then she will damn well make sure that Beatrice lives.
If only it is that easy to tell Beatrice.
After telling the whole team their plan, Ava comes back to her and Beatrice’s room (something that everyone knows but nobody ever commented on, not even Jillian who let them know that she has enough rooms for everyone to crash in).
She wants to remember those 2 months in the Alps – the look of trepidation on Beatrice’s face when she realized that the apartment Mother Superion and Camilla arranged for them only had one bedroom, the charm and heavy persuasion (and maybe a little scheming) she employed on her part to convince and practically cajole Beatrice not to sleep on the *most uncomfortable* couch in the world or the hard floor but on the *big* bed with Ava instead, the shy glances and touches that gets bolder and bolder as days and weeks pass by, the nights spent on that couch (which is actually surprisingly very comfortable) to watch movies and series Ava loved, or those rather loud nights where Ava was able to convince Beatrice to dance with her, to let loose, or to even drink and let her hair down, and most especially, those quiet nights spent just cuddling in bed after a particularly draining training or after checking in with Camilla and still getting no news about Mary,
She remembers it all, if only to remind herself that she did live in those 2 months with Beatrice.
She feels rather than hears Beatrice approaching and stepping into their bedroom.
In those 2 months, her Halo seems to have realized (and rightly so) that Beatrice is special to Ava, because it hums and it has a subtle glow (one that isn’t so noticeable unless Ava’s shirt is off) whenever Beatrice is near.
So she knows…
and she dreads the conversation they will inevitably have.
“Hey.”
Ava turns and there she is.
Her Beatrice.
Beatrice knows even if Ava isn’t saying anything.
Beatrice has developed a certain attunement to Ava – something that, over time, lets her know or at least feel what Ava is currently thinking or feeling…
Both a blessing and a curse.
A blessing because she can anticipate well what Ava wants and needs, sometimes even before Ava knows what she wants and needs.
She and Ava have become in sync… not only in battle or in a fight but sometimes also in thoughts (even when Beatrice denies it and tries to keep it to herself as it goes against every belief she had since she was a kid).
And a curse … in times like this.
Because she knows… she knows Ava would be sacrificing herself. She would die, no matter what Beatrice or even Ava herself want.
Beatrice knows the way Ava is subdued means that Ava has accepted her fate – the fate of the warrior nun.
But that is Ava, and not Beatrice.
Whether she admits it or not, accepts it or not, Beatrice cares more about keeping Ava alive than she cares about protecting the Halo or defeating Adriel.
Beatrice, no matter what her duty tells her to, she wouldn’t…couldn’t let Ava die.
“Heya, stranger.” Ava smiles at her, making Beatrice’s heart constrict in pain.
Because it isn’t Ava’s wide-hopeful, bedimpled, sunshiney smile.
She hates it…
except she doesn’t because it’s still Ava’s smile and she just… loves it.
She loves Ava, more than she loved anything in her entire life.
Beatrice approaches the bed and sits right next to Ava, automatically reaching for her hand which Ava takes without a beat.
They are quiet for a few seconds which feels like hours… until Ava breaks the silence.
“Bea… I – you know what I have to do.”
Beatrice feels Ava’s stare at her… knows that the warrior nun is looking at her with those sad eyes that she can’t bear to look at right now.
“No.” Beatrice’s voice is firm and leaves no room for argument, but when did that ever stop Ava?
“Bea … please.” Ava’s voice cracks at the end.
Tears pool in Beatrice’s eyes at Ava’s tone. “P-please… don’t make me give you up. I can’t… I — please.” She whispers, barely audible. “There has to be another way. There always is.”
Ava squeezes her hand in hers, while the other reaches for Beatrice’s cheek to tilt Beatrice’s face to look at Ava. “There’s no other way, Bea. Michael is right.” She pauses, bites her lip, and smiles. “There is nun. ”
Beatrice wants to smack Ava’s head at that moment – joking and making puns at the most inappropriate times – but she can’t help but feel endeared nonetheless.
This is her Ava, afterall.
So, even if it cracks every fiber of her being, Beatrice smiles. “I don’t want to lose you… I can’t lose you.”
Ava smiles, wiping the tears on Beatrice’s cheeks and leaning her forehead on Beatrice’s. “You can… I have to die, so you can live, Bea. If this is my fate, then I accept it wholeheartedly if it means saving you.”
Beatrice covers Ava’s hand on her cheek as she shakes her head, unwilling and unable to accept what Ava is saying.
There is no world she could live without Ava.
Not after experiencing how it is to live, to love, and let herself be loved in return.
Not after having Ava in her life.
“Bea.”
Beatrice leans back to look at Ava’s eyes.
Ava smiles and leans forward, touching her lips with Beatrice’s.
Beatrice is frozen for a whole five seconds before she realizes that Ava is kissing her.
Honest to God kissing her.
As Ava tries to back away, probably thinking Beatrice didn’t want the kiss, Beatrice places her hands on Ava’s cheeks, practically chases Ava’s lips and deepens the kiss.
If this is her only chance, she will be damned not to make the most of it.
Ava’s lips feels so soft and so perfect.
It isn’t Beatrice’s first kiss – not that she could remember much of it considering it was a lifetime ago, just before she was shipped to a Catholic boarding school in Switzerland, and took her vows as a nun at the OCS.
But this kiss with Ava surely is the first kiss that means the most.
She hopes she gets to have second, third, and several kisses that mean the most … with Ava.
When they separate, Ava kisses her forehead then smiles at her. “I love you, Bea. No matter what happens later, I want you to know that you are loved… and I love you.”
Beatrice stares at her, not knowing what to say or feel but at least knowing one thing.
There is absolutely no way in hell that she would let Ava die… not today, not tomorrow, and not for a million years.
Some part of Ava knows that too.