Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Rin had his arms crossed behind his head as he walked a few paces behind Bon, with Shima and Koneko in tow behind him. The sky was overcast but the weather was warm, despite it being the start of November. Rin had decided to tag along with the Kyoto trio after arriving at the cram school classroom to find it empty, with a sign on the door saying class was canceled in Yukio’s handwriting. He hadn’t seen his brother that morning; his bed was empty and neatly made by the time Rin woke up. Granted, Rin did wake up 45 minutes past his alarm.

But still. Stupid four-eyed jerk could’ve at least woken me up to say goodbye, Rin thought.

“So, what are your plans for the day now, Okumura?” Koneko asked, shuffling along next to the half-demon.

“Eh, I don’t know. I was sort of just hoping to tag along with whatever you guys are up to today. Yukio’s been gone all morning so I don’t really want to go back to the dorms.” 

“Yeah, well tough luck,” Bon said gruffly. “Me, Shima, and Miwa are going to go study for the exorcist exam. Just because class was canceled doesn’t mean we have an excuse to slack off all day.”

“What?” Shima whined, “Speak for yourself, Bon. I’m not about to spend this beautiful day cooped up indoors studying with you losers.”

“That’s the spirit!” Rin cheered, hooking his arm around Shima’s neck. “So what do y-“

“Yeah,” Shima continued, “I’ve actually got a study date with this super cute American girl. She’s a foreign exchange student from my English class.”

“Are you fucking kidding me!?” Bon was irritated, to say the least.

“That still counts as studying, Shima.” Koneko reminded a bit more gently.

“Yeah, but it’s with a cute chick, so who cares,” came Shima’s nonchalant response, receiving an exasperated scoff from Bon.

The group hadn’t made it much further before Rin found his gaze lingering on the back of a familiar-seeming figure. A group of True Cross students who seemed to be about their age were seated on the lawn, books splayed out among them. One of them, however, who had his back facing Rin seemed to spark a not so distant memory. 

Suddenly, flashbacks to the night that Rin awoke to his powers crossed his mind’s eye. He saw blood dripping from Father Fujimoto’s eyes, the monastery in tarnish from the onset of demon attacks, and the disfigured form of a boy under recent possession of Astaroth, Kin of Rot. 

Shiratori, Rin suddenly realized as his heart lurched. Immediately, he ducked his head and turned to the conversation of the other three, silently praying that the other boy wouldn’t notice him. 

In fact, Rin had completely forgotten that Shiratori was a student here. He’d never imagined seeing him again after that night, and particularly on his way back from class. Does Shiratori know what happened that night? Does he have any memory of what actually went down?

“Yo, Okumura! Earth to Okumura?” Bon’s voice interrupted, and Rin immediately cringed at how loudly his name was being called with Shiratori in earshot.

“What!?” He hissed back in a harsh whisper.

“Koneko was asking if you’re going to come join us for studying,” Bon supplied, though looking a bit puzzled. “What’s with you?”

“N-nothing! Nothing… And uh, sure, I’d love to crash your study session. If you don’t mind.”

“So long as you don’t actually crash it,” Bon grumbled.

Rin felt his shoulders relax a little bit as they continued walking, Shiratori now several yards behind. He realized he’d need to keep his guard up while on campus in the future. Or perhaps he could try to make amends with Shiratori on his own account; some time when his friends weren’t around to learn of Rin’s unsavory past with the other boy.

Rin’s wishful daydream was short-lived though, as he heard footsteps approaching from behind. 

“Hey, wait up!” A familiar voice called, clearly directed at the Exwire gang.

Nope, not happening, Rin mentally urged as he quickened his pace. But he couldn’t stop a quiet groan from escaping under his breath when he noticed how Bon was slowing down in response to the newcomer.

“Hey!” The voice came again.

If I ignore him, he’ll go away, right? Rin thought hopelessly. It’s not that he was scared of Shiratori, nor did he dislike the guy. Well, actually, he did dislike him. In fact, Shiratori and his cronies were some of the punks that crossed his path most back when he was getting into street fights every other day. It’s not that he sought them out or anything either—quite the opposite. Rin never went looking for trouble with that group, but they just kept stirring shit that he couldn’t ignore. And what type of asshole gets off on killing birds, anyway? 

But that’s besides the point. What did matter, was that Rin was with all of his new friends. Ones that didn’t know about the sort of twisted history he shared with the still-approaching teenage bastard.

“Okumura! Rin Okumura! I’m talkin’ to you!”

“Hey, Okumura,” Koneko began. “I think this guy, uhh-”

God-fucking-dammit! Rin’s body tensed. No getting out of this now.

Rin whipped around, “Shiratori.” He took in the sight of the boy in front of him. He looked the same as usual, at least. No lingering injuries from his possession or exorcism. Rin briefly wondered if he could see demons now, or if he had been administered some of the same drops like what he had gotten for Godain. Rin was relieved that his tail was hidden, just in case.

“Oi, what the hell? Don’t tell me you’re a student here, too?” Shiratori asked with a playful tease to his voice. But Rin knew better than to take the boy’s question at face value.

“Yeah, I am.“ Rin said coldly. Guarded. His eyes narrowed.

“Yo, Okumura. Who’s this guy?” Shima asked, nudging Rin with his elbow.

“He’s uh, just someone I knew growing up. A friend from junior high,” he said distractedly. He may be dense, but Rin was all too aware of the imminent risk of facing Shiratori again. He was near certain that the others must be sensing the tension, too. 

Please just fuck off and leave me alone, he silently begged. But as was the pattern in Rin’s life, fate wouldn’t have it that things go his way.

“Friend? Hah! That’s rich,” Shiratori smirked. His voice seethed. “And what are these supposed to be, more of your friends? Or are you keeping them hostage against their will?”

Rin lowered his glare.

“...Uhhh, huh?” Shima said. “The heck is that supposed to me-“

“Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Rin interrupted. His tone carried a certain intensity to it that demanded the other boy drop the subject, but Shiratori clearly had no plans of letting up.

“Really, now?” 

Shiratori was taller than Rin by a few inches. Still, the boy tilted his head back to stare Rin down as he continued. “As if anyone would willingly hang out with someone like you. Demon,” he spat.

Rin’s eyes widened, though his pupils narrowed to slits.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Now it was Bon’s turn to interject. “I have no idea who the hell you are or how you know Okumura, but that’s way out of line!” 

Rin couldn’t help but feel warmth at Bon coming to his defense, but he dreaded where he knew this conversation was going.

“Are you fucking joking? Do you even know anything about Rin Okumura?” Shiratori smirked in mock disbelief. “Well, allow me to enlighten you.”

“Shut it, Shiratori,” Rin growled. Quite literally, growled.

“You see, Okumura and I go way back,” the boy continued, crossing his arms over his chest. “But where to start? Want to talk about that time in sixth grade, you beat my buddy half to death because he made a small comment about your temper? I could’ve sworn you’d killed him at the time, what with all the blood he’d lost.”

Rin felt his hands curl into fists by his side. He held his body tense, willing it not to move. Not to leave, not to hurt Shiratori, not to burst out in flames. He kept his eyes trained on the ground.

“Or I know,” Shiratori added gleefully, “how about that time Miss Saski, our third grade teacher, intervened in a fight you were having with another kid and you broke her ribs? She never came back after that day. I hope she was able to recover…”

A startled noise escaped Koneko’s mouth.

“Oooh, oooh, I know! There was that time you threw an entire picnic table at Principal Asano—god, I still don’t know how you managed to do that as such a small kid! Didn’t you end up expelled from that incident, or was that from something else?” He asked rhetorically. “I’ll admit, there are some gaps in my memory. Probably because you couldn’t even be bothered to show up to school like the rest of us. I mean, I don’t even think I saw you at school more than, like, three times throughout the entirety of year seven.”

“You see,” Shiratori continued, turning his attention to the Kyoto boys, “Okumura here had a bit of a reputation at our old school. I even had the horrible displeasure of going to elementary school with him and even then, the teachers and students, hell, even the parents knew to stay away. They called him a, what was it… a demon child? I always thought that was just crazy talk until I saw him go batshit first hand.”

Rin kept his gaze trained on the ground as an uncomfortable silence stretched before them. He didn’t dare look at the others. 

“Uhh hey, this can’t really be true, right?” Shima asked nervously, directing his question to no one in particular. “I mean, Okumura’s a nice guy. I have a hard time believing he would’ve done half the stuff you’re talking about. Although…”

He was interrupted by a snicker from Shiratori. “Hah. You really don’t know him as well as you think you do, then. And I haven’t even gotten to the best part—how could I leave out my very fondest memory?” Shiratori drawled as he took a step closer to Rin. The two were no more than a foot apart. 

“Remember that time me and my buddies made a teasing comment about your perfect little brother, and you beat me so badly that I was concussed with episodic memory loss, and had to be hospitalized for over a month?”

Rin felt his face warm from shame. Even though Shiratori actually had the true events from that night twisted-- so I guess he doesn’t remember what really happened, Rin realized with a start--the half-demon knew that he was ultimately responsible for everything Shiratori was describing. 

“Yeah, the doctors were worried I may not ever have woken up because of what you did to me. Made me lose my scholarship money, and my friends too, when they advanced a grade and I was left behind.”

All five of them were left in a silence that seemed to linger for far too long. Rin opened his mouth to speak but words escaped him. They always did. 

“I- I’m,” Rin began before being cut-off.

“I don’t want to fucking hear it. And actually, that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. You see, I heard from Ryouma a little rumor about you.”

Rin looked up as Shiratori continued.

“He said that right after you attacked me, your dad decided you were too much of a nuisance to keep around the house. Ya know, what with him bein’ the priest and all? Everyone started thinkin’ for him to have raised you, he and that whole monastery must’ve been evil too. But anyway, what Ryouma said to me is that when your dad ordered you to leave, you attacked him and killed him. And then you destroyed the place--burnt it to the ground, even with the priests inside.”

Rin stared up at the boy, eyes wide. He felt his heart in his stomach.

“Yeah, Ryouma says it was probably some freak accident, that you didn’t mean to kill the guy. But I wasn’t so sure. I mean, you do have a history of doing these sorts of things. And that’s what some of the others have been saying, too.”

“Hey-“ Bon started again, under his breath.

“But honestly, it got me thinking. For a guy to have raised you the way you are, maybe the others are right? I mean, he must’ve had a few screws loose himself. Especially considering he was just some wack job priest. Maybe it was actually a blessing you destroyed ever-“

Shiratori was cut short as Rin swiftly grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. The half-demon’s fist trembled with the force of the grip.

“SHUT UP! You don’t know anything!”

“Oh?” Shiratori squirmed uncomfortably in the other boy’s hold, but the smirk never left his face. “Are you going to kill me next, demon-child?” The softness of his voice did little to mask the maliciousness of the words.

Rin took a few breaths. “Look, you’re wrong. I- I didn’t mean to kill the old man. It- I didn’t want him to die,” Rin muttered in a choked voice. “I didn’t mean to wreck it all.”

He hated that Shiratori’s words could get to him so easily. He knew. He knew that the other boy was only trying to get a rise out of him. But that didn’t change the fact that what he was saying carried some truth to it. As much as Rin hated to admit it, he knew Father Fujimoto would still be alive and well if he hadn’t fucked up. If he hadn’t had such a temper. If he had had any semblance of self control. If he weren’t a demon.

“So you admit it?” Shiratori said after a long pause. The smile was gone from his face.

“What was really the point of you talking to me again, Shiratori?” Rin demanded. “What do you want from me?”

Shiratori took a breath. “I want you to rot in whatever hell you came from.”

Rin’s body went rigid. Shiratori continued. 

“You don’t belong here at this school, with friends or family. You don’t belong anywhere,” he paused. “You may have ruined my life, but at least you allowed me to live another day—a luxury you couldn’t even afford your own dad…! 

“You don’t deserve to be here, and I want to make sure you never forget that.” A final pause. “I want you to go away forever.”

At that, Rin slowly eased his grip on the other. He took a few unsteady steps back as the world around him began to muffle and swirl together. His breaths came quick and uneven.

The next thing he felt was Bon’s hand on his shoulder, firm and steady against the increasing panic.

“Don’t touch me,” Rin muttered, throwing the boy’s hand off with a harsh shrug of his shoulder.

“No, look, Okumura,” Bon pressed, resting his hand again on the boy.

“I SAID DON’T TOUCH ME!” Rin shouted, swiping his arm back in a surge of blue flames and sending Bon flying from the impact. He landed unceremoniously on the grass a few feet away, cradling his injured shoulder loosely and looking up at Rin with an unreadable expression.

“Bon!” Koneko shouted, flanked by Shima as the two instantly rushed to their friend’s side.

Rin looked on in dismay. He opened his mouth but was interrupted before he could speak.

“Hah. Haha! I knew it! I knew what I saw that night! But my shrink, that dumb bitch tried to convince me I was crazy!“ A pause. “The blue fire, just like that night! And what you used to burn the monastery to the ground! I remember it all, now… You really are a demon—a monster! Of course! That’s how you killed your father! I mean, he was a priest after all, right? God, the irony. Hahah!”

Rin’s eyes darted back to Shiratori. Without thinking, he punched the other boy, hard. Shiratori was sent flying, but Rin pursued. He straddled the taller boy and punched him again in the face, and again. Shiratori’s cheek was shoved in the grass beneath him, blood smattering the side of his face and jaw, and gushing from his nose.

“Stop it! Stop talking! You don’t know anything about what happened that night!” Rin growled. He hated the water in his eyes that was making his vision blur.

“You don’t know anything, so just shut up. Okay?” Rin drew his right hand back, balled into a fist and ready to strike Shiratori again.

“Okumura, stop.” Bon said from somewhere behind him.

The fist fell, colliding with Shiratori’s head with a sickening crunch. He felt the boy beneath him weakly trying to push him off, but Rin wouldn’t budge. He struck him again. 

The boy stopped fighting this time.

“STOP! You’re gonna kill him!” 

Suddenly, Rin felt a pair of hands on each of his arms. He vaguely became aware of Shima and Bon hoisting him away from Shiratori.

Rin shrugged the other boys off and stumbled to the side. He crouched on the ground, gaze focused on his hands, bloodied, beneath him. He wouldn’t let the others see the tears in his eyes. Especially not Shiratori. Rin let his focus drift over to the boy, who had curled over onto his side, facing away from Rin. Blood smattered the grass surrounding them. “Dammit,” he cursed beneath his breath. I did it again. 

Suddenly, flashbacks of Father Fujimoto appeared in Rin’s mind. “You’re hurt. I bet you got into another fight,” his voice echoed. The words were warm despite the older man’s obvious disapproval. Rin remembered that look in his eyes. Tired, exasperated at Rin’s antics. Yet there was always a softness to them. A certain fondness. Care. Love.

“You killed him.”

“You don’t serve to be here.”

…Dammit!

Rin took off.

“Hey!” Shima exclaimed, stumbling backwards at Rin’s sudden burst of movement. “Hey, hey, hey! Where you goin’!?”

Rin didn’t respond. He didn’t turn around. He disappeared around the corner of a building as his three friends looked on.

“I- I can go after him?” Koneko offered after a few moments had passed. Though the shake in his voice seemed to betray any desire Koneko actually had to go after Rin.

“Don’t,” came Bon’s immediate response. He let out a sigh. “I think he needs to cool off for a bit.”

“No kidding,” Shima said. “Speaking of which…”

All three turned to face Shiratori, who still lay on the floor, now with his arms cradled over his head. Bon stepped closer to him.

“Here,” he said, crouching over Shiratori. “Let me take a look before you try moving. I can hardly survive one punch from Okumura, I can’t imagine you’re getting out of this without some serious damage.”

Shiratori brought his arms away from his face, squinting his eyes up at Bon but struggling to see past the blood smattering his vision and the flesh swelling around his eyes. He tasted the coppery substance in his mouth, too; wincing at the realization. “I thin’ the bastard br-broke m’nose,” Shiratori muttered sloppily. “An’ more.” He felt loose teeth in his mouth, too. He tipped his head and spit them to the floor. A gross mixture of blood and saliva trailed from his split lower lip.

“Well,” Bon huffed, “you’re still breathing, so it looks like he took it pretty easy on you. And I can’t say you didn’t have it coming. That was a real dick move, saying all that stuff.”

“‘re you fuckin’ kiddin’ me?” Shiratori exclaimed. He tried shifting to get up, but quickly opted to cover his still-gushing nose instead, wincing as he did so. Shiratori groaned in pain, digging his heels into the earth beneath him and curling into himself. “Di’ you hear any of wha’ I jus’said? Okumura ’sa mons’er. A demon,” he spat. Specks of blood flew from his mouth.

“Di’n’t you hear him a’mitta killin’ his own father?” Shiratori pressed, speech slurring painfully. “I remem’er erry’hing from the nigh’ hedi’ it.” He spat out another tooth and lowered his hand from his face. “He used the same blue fire that night, too.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Bon said. It was hard to not take pity on the mangled boy in front of him. “Look, I don’t know much about Okumura’s past ‘cause he doesn’t like to talk about it. But if something like that really happened, then you’re an asshole to bring it up like that. What’s the point in making him feel guilty for all that shit?”

“Didn’t you hear me earlier? Because,” Shiratori wheezed distractedly as he tried again to get to a sitting position. Bon extended his hand to him. “He should feel guilty for all the shit he’s done. The world’d be a much better place if that bastard finally decided to off himself…” He paused, pinching his nose again. “‘s it really so bad tha’ I’m just tryin’ to give ‘im a little nudge in that direction?”

Bon’s hand lowered. His glare was steely as he stared down at the boy head-on.

“Don’t you dare say that,” he said coldly. “Or else I’ll be the one to punch you.” Bon scoffed and turned away from Shiratori, nodding his head to beckon the other two boys to follow him. “Come on, let’s go.”

“Really?! And why the hell are you defending that monster? You don’t know him like I do. You don’t know anything about him!” Shiratori called after the others before erupting into a strained coughing fit.

“I know enough,” Bon huffed, though mostly to himself.

Chapter Text

“What the hell am I doing,” Bon grumbled to himself as he walked the path to the old boys’ dormitory that housed the Okumura brothers, kicking at stray pebbles as he did so. He couldn’t deny the anxiety he was feeling, particularly after the nearest street light that flicked on above him made him jump. Bon reflected on the conversation he’d had with Konekomaru and Shima a few hours prior that had resulted in his current evening stroll.

“I really feel like one of us needs to make sure the guy’s alright,” Bon muttered to the other two as they sat criss-crossed on the floor of their dorm, hunched over an impressive spread of notes and textbooks.

“What? You’re still hung up on that thing with Okumura?” Shima asked. “Why’re ya worrying about him? I’m pretty sure he got out of that fight without so much as a scratch on him.” The boy flipped a page of notes over mindlessly as he continued. “If you could even call it a fight, what with the way he completely destroyed that Shiratori punk. We probably should’ve helped him to a hospital or something.”

“I know,” Bon sighed. “Seriously though, that jackass should just be grateful that I didn’t pound him too, what with all the crap he was spewing.”

“It was definitely out of line,” Shima agreed. “Hey, what’s the answer to 2C on this demon natural history assignment again?”

“A,” Koneko helpfully supplied.

“Right, right,” Shima said. He flipped another page. “Anyway, all that said, Okumura should’ve known better than to attack the guy like that. He really needs to learn when to walk away.”

“Although,” Konekomaru piped up, “I don’t know what Okumura’s old classmate was thinking would happen by confronting him like that. From all those stories, it’s clear that Okumura has a bit more of a temper than he lets on.”

Bon shot him a glance. “What do you mean?”

“Or rather… is a bit more prone to violence?” Koneko corrected himself, continuing awkwardly with a huff. “I don’t know. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to hear all those details about his past given his heritage, but the Okumura we know doesn’t seem like the type to have gone around hurting others so often like that.”

“Yeah, it surprised me a bit, too,” Shima agreed. “I mean, you look at the guy now and think he couldn’t even hurt a butterfly. Let alone launch outdoor dining equipment at authoritative figures.”

Bon rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, younger Okumura sounds… menacing,” Koneko concluded thoughtfully.

“Menacing?” Shima echoed with a bit of humor in his voice.

Bon snorted indignantly at the two. “Knock it off, would ya?” He ripped a page from a spiral bound notebook. The silence that followed the sudden tearing of paper felt uncomfortable. 

“Say what you want, but you can’t just go up to people and antagonize them like that unprompted. Shiratori had it coming,” Bon said finally.

“Okumura broke his nose, Bon. And knocked out some of his teeth! At a school like this, I’m pretty sure that’s grounds for expulsion,” Shima added.

“Well, so long as Mephisto’s around and Okumura stays bein’ Satan’s kid, I don’t think we have to worry about him going anywhere.” Bon sighed. “I get where you guys are coming from, though. And I’m not saying what he did was okay.”

The other two paused from their studies to look up at him.

“But,” Bon continued thoughtfully, “knowing Okumura, he probably feels the same way. I'm sure he’s moping around somewhere, beating himself up over the whole thing.”

“Yeah,” Koneko hummed in agreement. “You’re right. It’s clear that Okumura’s changed a lot between when he was associating with the likes of Shiratori, and how we know him now.

“Plus,” he paused. “There was that, erm…  whole… thing about Father Fujimoto… that’s probably got him upset.”

Bon nodded his head along distractedly, trying to recall what exactly the other boy had said. Something about Rin having been the one who killed the previous Paladin, which the half-demon didn’t refute.

“Yeah, that was…” Shima began.

“Troubling.” Bon muttered under his breath.

“Yeah.”

“…”

“I don't suppose either of you knew what that was about?” Bon asked gently.

“Nope,” Shima said, popping the ‘p’. “If there’s one thing I know about the Okumuras, they do not like to talk about themselves much.” He waved the tip of his pencil in Bon’s direction, who swatted it away.

“Yeah, I figured,” Bon said. He let out another sigh. “I don’t like this.”

“The studying? Me neither. There seems to be a distinct lack of cute American chicks,” Shima complained, earning an eraser shot at him from Koneko. 

“No, dumbass... The thing with Okumura.”

“I agree,” Konekomaru said, “even despite what Shiratori was telling us, it’s really unlike Rin for something to get under his skin like that nowadays. And then there was also that stuff Shiratori said after… about Rin, uh… ‘ offing himself ’,” he mumbled out awkwardly around air-quotes.

Bon grit his teeth and realized the grip he had on his pencil was beginning to strain, turning his knuckles white. “That bastard.” 

Still, while they may have learned some unsavory things about Okumura’s history today, Bon couldn’t believe that that guy from before would wish him death. That that was his intent upon initiating the whole interaction. 

Bon wanted to brush off Shiratori’s words. He wouldn’t let it get to him, the idea that Rin would do something as drastic as suicide because of some nasty taunts from a ghost from his past. Surely, Rin knew that he wasn’t the same person anymore. (Although the events of the day had perhaps proved otherwise…)

Bon quickly cleared that particular thought from his mind. Even so. Even if Okumura did have a bit of a violent streak in his past, that wasn’t something worth getting all depressed over. But… the death of Father Fujimoto… Could Rin really have been the one that killed him? The circumstances surrounding the Paladin’s death had always been kept under wraps, but Bon had a hard time accepting that Rin of all demons was the one that killed the man. And a more practical part of his brain reminded Bon that if that had been the case, Okumura definitely would’ve been executed. 

But… he admitted to it, didn’t he? To killing the ex-paladin? The man that raised him? After all, wasn’t that what caused Okumura to go berserk? The last time Bon had seen Okumura lose his cool like that was when… when Bon was yelling at his own father, back in Kyoto.

The pencil snapped.

“Hey, Bon, what did my poor pencil ever do to you?” Shima whined. Bon ignored him. He slammed the pencil halves down on the floor.

“Look, all this chit chat isn’t getting us anywhere,” Bon grumbled finally. “It’s been a few hours, right? I’m gonna go check on the idiot.”

“What? Why?” Shima questioned.

“Cause he seemed upset. It’s called being a good friend,” came Bon’s nonchalant response as he folded his arms across his chest. Just being a good friend, he thought, not at all related to his growing paranoia that the half-demon may do something stupid. Or drastic. Or stupidly drastic.

Bon got to his feet.

“Well, I’ll come with you,” Konekomaru offered, pushing himself to his feet as well.

“Yeah, when ya put it that way,” Shima added, also starting to slowly gather his papers.

“No, I think you two should stay here.”

“Huh?”

“Why, Bon?” Koneko asked.

“I just… I don’t think Okumura would want all the attention,” Bon ventured. “If we all go, he’s a lot more likely to suspect that we were worried about him.”

“But… we are worried about him?” 

“Ehh,” Shima interrupted, “I get where Bon’s coming from. I mean, if Okumura’s feelin’ in a bad place right now, he probably doesn’t want all of us to see him like that. Save him the embarrassment, ya’know?”

“Right,” Bon added. And, he added mentally, the guy’s probably strung out enough over the fact that he lost his cool in front of us all again.

“But why should you be the one to go?” Koneko asked. “I mean, no offense Bon, but you aren’t the best at handling emotions.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, Koneko!?”

“Hey, shut it, Koneko!” Shima stage-whispered behind his hand. “I don’t know about you, but I’m currently not feeling any urges to be struck by flying picnic tables.”

“And Shima, would you quit it with the picnic table thing!?”

“You’ve gotta admit it’s kinda funny,” Shima said in his own defense, hands raised.

“Okay…” Koneko agreed rather reluctantly. “Shima has a point-“ (Bon: “No he does not!”) “-but try not to be too long. And call if you need our help.”

“Yes, mom.”

And thus, Bon found himself outside the door to the Okumura’s building. He couldn’t help but notice all the lights were off.

He knocked once.

Nothing.

His second try knocking yielded no new result. 

“C’mon…” he grumbled to no one in particular as he tried the door knob. To Bon’s surprise, though, it twisted open. He poked his head in.

“Hey, Okumura! It’s Suguro, I’m comin’ in!” 

The complete and utter silence that greeted him was almost creepy. As was the fact that Rin’s backpack was clearly thrown carelessly onto the floor, his coat not far behind.

The boy was only about two steps in the doorframe when he was greeted by the familiar silhouette of Rin’s familiar, Kuro. The cat sidhe bounded up to him and, after a quick sniff, rubbed against Bon’s legs affectionately.

“Hey, Kuro,” Bon greeted, “it’s nice to see ya. Is Okumura around, by any chance?”

Kuro looked up at Bon, meeting his eyes, before meowing once. He head-butted Bon’s shin.

“Uhh, I’m sorry, but you know I can’t understand you like Rin can. Is that a yes?”

The demon cat meowed again before bounding over to the nearest stairwell. He looked over his shoulder with another meow and motioned upwards with a paw, seemingly urging Bon to follow him up the stairs.

“Alright, I’m comin’!”

He followed the cat up four flights of stairs before pausing to catch his breath. “What, is he on the fucking roof?!” He wheezed. 

Kuro meowed again. They continued the trek.

Books were strewn about the rainbow-tiled carpet, as was broken glass due to a couple of said books having been lodged haphazardly through the classroom’s windows. Paints, pencils, too, all scattered the floor. The body of an unmoving classmate lingered in Rin’s peripheral vision as his teacher guarded the rest of the class with her body, crying in a panic. He could hear other classmates wailing, sobbing as a result of Rin’s meltdown. How many of them had been hit with books, too? He vaguely remembered a couple of chairs being launched in his deranged state. Is that why the little boy who shared assigned seats with him was lying unresponsive on the ground? Is the red spilling from his head paint?

The half-demon had long since given up on reigning in his meandering thoughts. Horrible memories from his past kept springing to his mind, each incident reminding him of another one, like some horrible, nightmarish film reel. He was laid on the gravely roof of the old dormitory building, arms folded atop his head and obstructing his view of stars dotting the sky above.

Everything seemed to stand still. Rin was lost in his solitude, not even missing the familiar presence of Kuro whom he’d ordered away earlier. It was always easier like this. Not having anyone else around. Anyone who would ridicule his inability to regulate his emotions, or would become the victim of his next violent outburst. Alone, Rin could drown in his own anguish without pretending to be strong for others, or pretending to be anything less than the nuisance he knew he was. But nuisance was perhaps a bit of an understatement…

“ I heard that when your dad ordered you to leave, you attacked him and killed him.”

“It was you, big brother. You… you killed Father Fujimoto!”

Rin grit his teeth. The metal ring that sat wrapped around the base of his tail felt even tighter than usual. His constant reminder to not fuck up. And, that the people around him needed a precautionary means of controlling him, because Rin fucking up was inevitable. 

He tried to bury the thought.

“You don’t belong here at this school, with friends or family. You don’t belong anywhere,” Shiratori’s voice echoed.

Rin took a breath. “I know.”

“ You may have ruined my life, but at least you allowed me to live another day—a luxury you couldn’t even afford your own father…!” 

“I know!” His voice rose to a guttural growl, a sound that no human could produce.

“You don’t deserve to be here. I want you to go away- ,” “I FUCKING KNOW THAT!” His tail lashed violently behind him and blue flames curled around his body as he sat up. He hated how much comfort they brought. He gripped his head painfully in clawed hands.

I hate this. I hate this! A shudder wracked the half-demon’s body. He knew that he didn’t belong. He knew the pain he caused. But, selfishly, Rin thought, he always found a justification to keep living. The high that had come with defeating the Impure King was enough to help him forget for a while, at least. And perhaps the run-in today with Shiratori was just the reminder he needed. He wasn’t human. He wasn’t some savior of Assiah who could protect the ones he cares about. He was Rin . And he was neither human nor demon, rather, some monstrous amalgamation of the two that seemed hell bent on hurting anyone he ever got close to.

“I want you to rot in whatever hell you came from. ”

Rin began to wonder what it would even take for him to die. His body always worked hard to heal his wounds. It would keep him alive even when his mind wished otherwise. His breath quickened.

In a thoughtless effort to prove his point, he made a quick slice through his arm with a clawed finger. He watched the blood pooling into a thick line before dribbling down the side of his arm and to the ground beneath him. Just as the crimson substance splattered to the ground, Rin realized, the cut he’d made had already stitched itself up, skin seaming together good as new. In his rage, he took another swipe at his arm, this time raking all four claws down the appendage. Again, the lacerations healed in a matter of seconds.

How frustrating. “Aaaurrrghh!” He raked his claws along both arms this time, in what probably looked like the most violent self-hug possible. He flung his hands forward, splattering crimson with them.

Rin missed the days that his cuts didn’t heal themselves in seconds. He missed coming home to the monastery, knowing that Yukio would patch him up. Even if there was always the disapproval of his family to face for getting in a fight in the first place, that disapproval meant that they cared . 

His breath hitched.

Why did they ever care about me, anyway? It’s not like I ever asked them to … They should’ve known better. 

He blinked as water filled his eyes. At the same time, a memory of Father Fujimoto hugging him close worked its way to the surface.

Why couldn’t dad have just given up on me like everyone else? Then he would still be here. He’d still be alive… He’s the dumb one! That- that stupid idiot! No one was making him give a damn about me. Why the hell did he do that, anyway!? Stupid father!

Rin couldn’t hold back the sob he was suppressing any longer. His body heaved as he buried his head in his arms, folded over his knees. 

Bon expected any number of things when he reached the rooftop of the old boys’ dormitory. But Okumura, in his lonesome, crying as it would seem , was not one of them.

He quickly looked over his shoulder, realizing he was in way over his head and would need backup. Kuro however remained seated at the top of the stairwell, a look in his eyes that was nearly pleading. Did Kuro want him to go talk to Rin? Bon motioned Kuro over with a wave, but the cat familiar wouldn’t budge. After a moment, he simply bowed his head before turning tail and scampering down the way he’d come. 

Dumb cat…  

Bon turned around to face the challenge before him again. Yes, his friend crying was a challenge. And without any studying or practice for this sort of situation, Bon was feeling extremely unequipped to complete this task before him successfully. Or with tact. But he would refuse to let Konekomaru know that.

Having no experience with consoling humans, Bon began wracking his mind, thinking of lessons they’d learned in their taming seminar with Professor Neuhaus to come up with strategies for appeasing unhappy demons. 

Then he noticed something perhaps more troubling than Okumura crying. Bon saw crimson streaking the half-demon’s arms, splattering his shirt, and pooling at the ground beneath him. Was that… blood ?

“Okumura!” Bon sprung forwards, stumbling as he did so.

“Wha-?” Rin whipped around. “Suguro!?”

Bon stopped in front of Rin, bending down to get a closer look at the other.

“You’re injured! What happened?” He looked frantic.

“Huh?”

Bon pointed to the residual blood on Rin’s arm and the ground. “What’s this from?”

Rin’s eyes widened. Even in the darkness, Bon could see how red they were, and how the splotchy skin of his face seemed to match.

“What? N-nothing,” came Rin’s scrambled response. “What are you doing here?”

“‘ Nothing ’? The hell do you mean, ‘nothing’?”

“Look, I don’t remember,” Rin said dismissively.

“Bullshit!” Bon snapped, crossing his arms. He grew up with Shima and Koneko; he could bicker as long as Okumura wanted to.

“I took a nap!”

Bon raised a brow. “And what?”

“Well… I accidentally hit the axe!”

He only stared at Rin with a mix of confusion and concern as he echoed, “hit the…axe?”

“Y-yeah…?”

“…”

Oh. Bon understood. “Look, dumbass, the expression is hit the sack . And it doesn’t actually mean hitting anything! It’s an analogy !”

Rin rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever, Mr. Smarty-pants. No one gives a shit about some shitty sack. Or your dumb anomalies.” He sat criss-crossed, putting his hands on his knees in agitation.

Bon rolled his eyes this time. “You’re impossible.”

“Thanks,” Rin said with a shit-eating grin, despite the lingering blotchiness on his skin. Bon’s gaze lingered on the other’s face.

Rin looked away suddenly. “What’re you doing here, Suguro?”

He exhaled slowly, taking a seat next to the other. “I could ask you the same question.”

“What? I asked first,” Rin said, a tinge of annoyance to his voice.

“Okumura.”

Bon was using that stupid cut-the-bullshit voice he brought out exclusively for talking to Rin. Or, on occasion, Shima.

Rin let out a sigh, ducking his head. “Let me guess, you’re here to chew me out for wailing on Shiratori earlier… Well,” he paused. “Sorry. For losing my cool like that in front of you guys. It… I haven’t done that in a while.”

Bon didn’t miss the way he grimaced at the admission. 

“What? No.” Bon paused for a second, “I mean, I wouldn’t say you handled the situation well , but uhh…” Sheesh, this was awkward. “All that shit he was saying about you wasn’t okay, either.”

Rin just stared at him.

“What?” Bon bit back defensively.

“I-…” Rin trailed off. His brows furrowed in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

Dammit , Bon thought, why the hell is this so awkward!?

“I just…” He let out a sigh. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay, Okumura.”

Brown eyes met blue.

“The things that guy was saying… well, I don’t know how much truth there is to them, but I don’t really care. That was really fucked up.”

Rin just offered him a weak smile before lowering his gaze, allowing his messy bangs to hide his face. Oh , the gesture seemed to say.

“Thanks, Suguro. You’re a good friend.” He shook his head gently. “I don’t deserve you. Or any of you guys, really.”

“The fuck does that mean?” Bon grunted. “And anyway, a better friend would’ve beat that punk’s ass for you.” Rin exhaled sharply through his nose, the closest thing to a laugh he could muster.

“Nah, Shiratori’s gang is pretty bad news. You don’t wanna get mixed up with them if you can avoid it.”

Bon laughed. “After today, it seems like you couldn’t avoid trouble even if you tried.” He immediately regretted his choice in wording when he saw Okumura’s shoulders fall even more.

“Yeah. I guess it’s always been that way.” Rin let his eyes wander over to the ledge of the building, taking in the cool night air and the distant sounds of traffic below.

“Ya know,” Rin continued softly after a pause, “I haven’t always been kind.” The words hung in the air for a few moments before Rin’s face was overtaken with a warm blush. “And- and I don’t mean that in a weird way!”

Bon just gave him a look. A silent signal to continue.

“But, even before I officially awakened as a demon, I knew I wasn’t fully human, either. Kindness was something that didn’t come naturally to me, the way that, say, something like loyalty did.

“It- it always had to be a choice . A choice to be kind. And that choice never felt like the right option to me. Or rather…” Rin thought for a moment. “It felt like a choice I didn’t even have. An option that didn’t exist.

“But Father Fujimoto raised me to be human. He wanted me to have friends and live a good life.”

Bon tensed up at Rin’s mention of his adoptive father. He never heard either of the twins speak openly about him. 

Rin just continued. He laughed darkly. “Here’s a story Shiratori didn’t share…

“I remember, it was grade school and I was having an episode. Some kid in my class said something about me, I don’t even remember what, but… I let my temper get the best of me, just like usual. And it was like I blacked out. I was hardly even aware of it, but I hurt him really bad. And when the teacher stepped in, I hurt her, too. I was throwing things. Desks, chairs, you name it. No one could even get close to me, so they had to call in Father Fujimoto to snap me out of it and take me home.” 

Rin sighed. “He showed up after a little while, but I didn’t hold back on him either. I attacked him, too. But he bared it.

“I remember… he hugged me close, and told me that I needed to change my ways. That- that if I couldn’t find a way to be kind, and use my power for a better purpose, that I would end up all alone. And that he didn’t want that for me.” Rin’s voice was thick with anguish. “A-and, I mean, he was telling me all of this right after I had just broken his ribs from a simple hug, for fuck’s sake! But he always believed that I could be better than I was. And I… I really wanted to make him proud. More than anything.

“After that day, I remember putting real effort into being kind. I would stop and think ‘what would a kind person do in this situation?’ Or, ‘what’s the kinder response?’ …I really tried to work hard at it, this… this thing that felt so unnatural to me.”

He sighed again, “Of course, no matter how much I tried to change my ways, I’d built up a bit of a reputation for myself. I couldn’t go to school, where all the kids knew about me. I couldn’t even really leave the house without crossing paths with punks like Shiratori, who’d heard rumors about me and wanted to challenge me, or just watch me go batshit first hand…” Rin fumbled with pebbles mindlessly as he spoke. A nervous habit, Bon noted. It had been a while since he’d seen Okumura this troubled. 

He continued. “Kids are mean. And adults are, too. It felt like the whole world was just waiting to watch me fuck up. And it made me angrier.” He threw a pebble over the side of the building, somehow emphasizing that frustration. “I could never really stop being the person everyone thought I was. The monster I’d proven myself to be, time and time again.” He paused, trailing off. “The ‘demon spawn’…” 

Bon winced hearing Rin refer to himself by the cruel nickname.

“But even so, my dad and little brother believed in me. They always helped me get back on my feet. They reprimanded me after every fight. They encouraged me after every failed job interview. They never gave up on me, like everyone else had…

“And I think that’s why what happened today has me so bent out of shape.” Rin looked down at his hands in his lap. A slight tremor went through him. He balled his fingers into fists as his eyes began to prick with the sensation of tears. The realization hit Rin like a train. Just why Shiratori’s words had cut him so deep. “Because even now, I can’t be the person Father Fujimoto wanted me to be. I still can’t make him proud.” He spoke before he had a chance to process the words forming in his mind. “And I think to myself,” he inhaled sharply, “maybe if I could be that guy, then… then I could make up for fucking killing him !”

Rin was breathing hard and trembling. The water in his eyes blurred his vision; tears spilling down his cheeks only to be replaced with more. A voice inside his head was telling him that this was the truth he knew all along; he was the monster that broke Father Fujimoto’s will and invited Satan into his body. And he was the reason the old man died. It was because of  Rin’s anger, his demonic temper, his very self, that he lashed out at Father Fujimoto. And, ultimately, killed him. 

And nothing had changed, Rin realized. If the events from earlier in the day were any proof, nothing had changed. He lost control again, just like always.

And Father Fujimoto wasn’t there to reprimand him. And he never would be again .

“It’s all your fault.”

Rin tried in vain to suppress a sob. It didn’t work. Another shudder wracked his body. He felt like he was going to be sick. Or have a panic attack. 

Or both.

He was vaguely aware of Suguro sitting somewhere to the right of him.

“S-sorry,” Rin managed to choke out. “I need to go...”

Rin went to leave before Bon had a chance to respond, but the half-demon felt a hand on his shoulder as soon as he started to get up.

Rin couldn’t stand to look at Bon now. He didn’t want to see the expression on his face after what Rin had just admitted to; the shock, fear, anger, pity, any of it. He was on the edge already. He could feel himself inching over it. Rin shoved the hand away.

“Okumura.”

He hesitated.

Suddenly, Rin felt Bon yank his arm back down. Caught off guard, and a bit unaware of his surroundings due to the way his head was spinning, Rin stumbled into the other boy. Immediately, he scrambled to get back up, but wasn’t able to. Again he tried to push away, but with no luck. He was held firm in place. Bon was holding him in a firm embrace. And Rin tensed at the sensation.

“It’s okay.” Suguro muttered softly. “You’re okay.”

Rin slowly let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. And with it, some of the tension left his body. Without thought, he returned the gesture, squeezing Bon back in a tight hug and burying his face in his shoulder. He felt more tremors wrack his body but Suguro was a solid force, keeping him grounded.

After a few more moments, Rin calmed enough to realize the embarrassment of the situation: first admitting to his friend his deepest secret, subjecting him to a complete nervous breakdown, and hugging him? And this was Suguro Ryuuji, of all people!

He finally broke the embrace, scooting back a few inches and turning away from Bon. He hastily wiped an arm over his face, hoping to dry the still-oncoming tears. What didn’t help was that Rin still had semi-fresh blood on his arm, but Suguro wasn’t about to make a comment about how psychotic the half-demon now looked.

“Sorry,” Rin barely managed to mumble. He sniffled again. “Just pretend you didn’t hear any of that okay? I was just rambling like an idiot. You know, typical me, right?” Rin forced a laugh, looking over to Suguro with a weak smile plastered across his face. 

Bon just furrowed his eyebrows at the other. “I don’t think you’re an idiot, Okumura.”

Rin stared back.

“Look,” Bon continued, exhaling slowly, “I don’t really know what to say. But… I’m sorry.”

Rin just raised an eyebrow at him. “There’s no reason for you to apologize.”

“I’m sorry for the situation, dumbass,” Suguro bit back, then instantly softened again. “Er… Sorry. I’m not really good at this stuff.”

“Yeah, I know,” Rin said. “Shima’s compared your emotional intelligence to my academic intelligence.”

Bon scoffed. “That’s mean.”

“I know.”

“But anyway,” Rin continued, “it doesn’t matter. I’m fine, so just forget about what I told you. I shouldn’t have said anything.” He refocused his attention to the pebbles. “And look… about what all Shiratori was saying… that was also all true. Every one of those stories. And he doesn’t even know the half of all that I've done. I’m not… I’m not a good person, like I pretend to be. I hurt others. I’m always hurting others. Even- no, especially those that I care about.” He shook his head, letting his bangs cover his face again. “Sometimes, that feels like all I know how to do.”

Bon thought for a second. “No.”

“What!?”

“I said no. I don’t buy it.”

Rin stared at him with a confusion that quickly subsided to defeat. This would do him in: “Then why don’t you just ask Yukio.”

Bon tilted his head. “Ask Yukio what?”

“Ask Yukio about me. He’ll tell you everything. He’ll tell you it was my fault, that I killed our dad.”

“Mmm, nope.”

What? Rin thought. “That wasn’t even a yes or no question?”

“Look, the more I learn about your brother, the more I wouldn’t doubt that he’s guilted you over the death of your guys’ father.”

Rin opened his mouth to protest but Bon held up his hand. “Sorry, shouldn’t have taken it that far. But look, Okumura… “ He paused, trying to find the right words. 

“I don’t know much about… about the last Paladin. I never spoke to the guy or even saw him in person. But I know my dad liked him a lot. And I know that he must’ve been pretty smart considering the skill he had as an exorcist.” Bon huffed out a sigh. “I guess what I’m trying to say is, if he were still around, he’d be a fool to not be proud of you. And I’m sure it would be enough to far outweigh whatever forgiveness it is you’re searching for. So, try to just keep moving forward. That’s really all we can do.

“And about what you said before… Your friends all care about you a lot. There’s nothing Shiratori, Yukio, or anyone could say that’d change that. I think at this point the only way you could hurt us is by getting yourself killed by acting recklessly like an idiot, like you always do.”

Rin jabbed him hard with an elbow. Bon sucked in a breath. “Or by accidentally puncturing our lungs while underestimating your freakishly-strong demon powers,” he spoke rigidly, through gritted teeth.

Rin grimaced as he flinched away from Bon. “I mean… that’s sort of how those things would happen a lot of the time...”

“You know what I meant,” Bon said, yanking Rin’s tail as payback for the heavy jab.

“Hey! Not fair!”

“Seriously, though,” Bon said. “At the end of the day, you’re at a point where you’ve realized your powers and are using them for good. And even if you did go feral on Shiratori earlier, you aren’t the same person you used to be.”

Bon sensed that Rin was about to interject, so he quickly continued. “Okumura, why we were all surprised by what the other guy was saying is because you don’t seem like the type to enjoy hurting others. It’s just… not in your nature. How- I don’t see how anyone could truly view you as a monster when you have more heart than any human I’ve ever known.”

“I-,” Rin paused. “I don’t know what to say,” he admitted softly.

“You don’t have to say nothin’. Just try to get my words through that thick skull of yours. And don’t forget that next time you run into that Shiratori bastard on campus…” Bon side-eyed Rin mischievously. “Well,” he added, “assuming he ever wakes up from the second coma you put him in.”

Rin sucked in a breath, “WHAT-”

“KIDDING! Kidding,” Bon quickly interjected, waving his hands up in surrender. “I’m just kidding. You didn’t hurt him that bad. Unfortunately…”

Rin rolled his eyes. “That was evil.”

“Meh,” Bon shrugged. “Now let’s go get you cleaned up.”

“Huh?”

“We’re gonna go back to my dorm to study. Koneko and Shima are there waiting for us, and I don’t want either of them thinking you beat me up with a park bench if we don’t turn up soon.”

“Okay, LISTEN-”