Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When Jeno wakes up, it’s past noon and he has a dozen missed calls from Doyoung. Jeno knows he can’t be calling to see if he’s still alive—they just talked two days ago—so either he’s in the area—unlikely—he has some major life update—even unlikelier—or he wants to talk shop. The good money’s on that option. Jeno seriously debates asking Guanheng to call him and tell him Jeno’s in an alcohol-induced coma and won’t be answering his phone for the next nine-to-twelve months, but Doyoung would never buy it. Even if he did buy it, even if Jeno really was in a coma, he’d just show up at the hospital to nag at him until he woke up. There’s no evading Lee Doyoung. He’s like a fucking barnacle.

“Jeno,” Doyoung says when he answers Jeno’s call, second ring. His voice is clinical, just shy of unfeeling. “How nice of you to drag yourself out of bed.”

“Who says I’m out of bed?” Jeno can imagine the eye roll like Doyoung’s right here next to him. “Look, Doie, I didn’t call you back to be harassed. I’ll hang up.”

Doyoung grumbles something unintelligible, probably about Jeno’s attitude and ungrateful younger brothers and all the shit Jeno’s heard a million times. Jeno patiently waits for him to get it out of his system.

“Honestly, I don’t know why I bother,” Doyoung says, the first thing Jeno can understand.

“Neither do I. What do you want?”

“A vacation. But since that’s not gonna fucking happen, I want my favorite little brother to be nice to me for once.”

“I’m your only little brother. And I called you back, didn’t I?”

“Your generosity knows no bounds.”

If Doyoung could strangle him through the phone, he probably would. Jeno would probably deserve it, too, but pushing Doyoung’s buttons is always so easy and so fun.

“What do you want, Doyoung?”

“You know, it wouldn’t kill you to call me hyung.”

“You make any of the wonder boys call you hyung?”

“The who?”

“No, that’s a different band.”

“Why the fuck did our parents ever think it was a good idea to have a second child?”

Jeno asks that question himself sometimes. He can’t say that out loud to Doyoung, though, otherwise he’d probably fly back to Korea to have an intervention. No matter how badly Jeno exasperates him, he still loves him. That might be the problem. If Doyoung loved him a little less, maybe he’d leave him alone.

“Doyoung, are you gonna get to the point?”

Doyoung heaves a mighty sigh that Jeno can feel in his own bones. “I should just hang up now. That would be the smart thing to do.”

“Fine by me.”

“No, no, wait. Wait. Look, it’s…it’s the Neos’ tenth anniversary this year.”

Jeno closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to hear this. “Cool. Get them a cake.”

“I’m sure at least one of them will make me, but that’s not what I’m getting at. You know that’s not what I’m getting at.”

Jeno also knew it was the Neos’ tenth anniversary. That’s not something he could very easily forget, much as he’d like to.

“No,” Jeno says.

“Jeno…”

“The answer is no, Doyoung. Same as it’s been every other time you’ve asked me. It’s time to move on.”

“Oh, is that what you’re doing? Moving on?” It’s a little bit nasty, the way Doyoung says it, and even though Jeno’s sure Doyoung already feels bad, he does have a point. Not that Jeno’s ever going to admit that out loud. Doyoung sighs. “I’m sorry, Jeno, that was…”

Jeno knew it. “Don’t worry about it. The answer’s still no, though.”

“Jeno. Tell me you’ll think about it.”

“Why? I’m not going to.”

“Why not? Jeno, do you know how happy the fans would be—?”

“The fans aren’t gonna give a shit. I’ve been gone for seven years. Seven of their most successful years. Most fans probably don’t even know who the fuck I am.”

“That is not true. People still love you. Come on, ten years. Isn’t this the perfect time to bury the hatchet?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you ask the others?”

“I did! They said they’d love to have you back!”

That makes Jeno falter for half a second, but that’s all. He laughs bitterly. “Who did you actually talk to? Shotaro?”

“What? Is he not part of the band?”

Jeno can hear in Doyoung’s voice that even he knows that’s weak. But he supposes he can’t fault Doyoung for trying.

“Look, I can save you the time of talking to the rest. Donghyuck’s gonna say no. Mark’s gonna say no. Jaemin’s gonna say no. Renjun’s gonna say hell fucking no. Chenle and Jisung are gonna take the path of least resistance, and Shotaro’s gonna be outvoted if he even cares enough to put up a fight. The only reason he said he’d love to have me back is because he couldn’t hold a grudge to save his life, and you know that. Which is why you only talked to him.”

“Jeno, it’s been seven years. Don’t you think you could at least show your face?”

Doyoung’s disappointed in him. Jeno can hear it in his voice. It’s not uncommon for Doyoung to be disappointed in him. Still makes Jeno want to ditch all his better judgment and do whatever Doyoung asks him to. Doyoung would never believe him if he said it, but he doesn’t like letting Doyoung down. He’s just gotten used to it.

“They don’t wanna see me, Doie.”

“You don’t know that. You haven’t talked to any of them in seven years.”

“They don’t wanna talk to me either, I’m sure.”

“Jeno, not to be your big brother, but you can’t keep running from this for the rest of your life. They were your closest friends once. The least you could do is look them in the face and apologize.”

Okay, that one hurts. Mostly because he knows Doyoung’s right. He’s known that for a very long time.

“Just say you’ll think about it. That’s all I’m asking. I’ll fly you out here myself, pay for everything, just think about it. They could be so busy squabbling amongst themselves that they won’t have any time to be pissed at you.”

Jeno pauses. “Trouble in paradise?”

“I’m not gonna get into it. Say you’ll think about it.”

“Doyoung, I don’t even have a guitar anymore.”

“So? Mark and Shotaro have about a thousand between them, I’m sure you could borrow one.”

Think Mark would let me use the Les Paul? Jeno thinks bitterly. He can’t say that, because that’ll start a conversation he doesn’t want to have with Doyoung of all people. Instead he says, “And what if I can’t play?”

“You can’t have forgotten that easily.”

Jeno doesn’t think just forgetting is the only problem here, but he also doesn’t think Doyoung’s going to hang up if he doesn’t humor him. Jeno could hang up, but Doyoung would keep calling him. No matter what Jeno did, Doyoung wouldn’t give up.

“Fine, I’ll think about it. Doesn’t mean I’m gonna do it.”

“I can work with that. That’s more than you’ve given me in seven years.”

“Yeah, don’t get too optimistic. Even if I say yes—which I probably won’t—they’re not gonna magically want me there.”

“You just leave that to me. I’ll be in touch, okay?”

“You always are.”

“Yeah, you could call me every once in a while, you little shit. You could at least pretend to care about me and my feelings.”

“I’m hanging up now.”

“I love you.”

Jeno takes a deep breath. Doyoung ends every call like this, no matter how disappointed or disgusted or livid he is with Jeno.

“I love you too.”

“Talk to you later.”

“Yeah.”

Jeno hangs up and throws his phone on his bed. He has a headache, and he doesn’t think it’s hangover-related. Talking about the Neos always leaves him feeling a little ill. He’s overly aware of the passage of time, and yet somehow he can’t believe it’s been seven years since he’s seen any of them in person. He can still remember the way it was supposed to be, the eight of them against the world.

But the seven of them have done okay without him. He sees no reason for them to need him now.

Yeeun’s wearing one of her Neos shirts tonight (one of many, to be clear). This one’s vintage, because Jeno’s on it. It’s her favorite because she knows it embarrasses him. He thought when he got the job here at the club he’d be safe, because the type of music they play here isn’t Neo music, and so the crowd that it attracts isn’t made up of Neo fans. And he was mostly right. It’s very rare that someone in the mess of drinking and dancing young adults recognizes him. The bartender’s another story. She’s a rock and roller through and through and she’s been following the Neos since their first album. It’s hard to find fans who have been listening that long around here. The Neos always did better internationally than domestically.

But that’s not really true now. The Neos aren’t based in Korea anymore.

There’s a guest DJ tonight, which means Jeno’s got a lot of free time on his hands. And Yeeun’s not terrible company really, even if she doesn’t like to let him forget that she knows he used to be part of a band that’s sitting on top of the world right now. She wouldn’t even mention them if she knew about the lump that lodges in Jeno’s throat every time he thinks about them for too long, but she doesn’t. As far as she or the rest of the world is concerned, he left the band relatively amicably because of creative differences. Sure, some people have speculated about drama behind the scenes, but that’s not the official narrative. That’s not what’s on the Neos’ fucking Wikipedia page. That’s not what the remaining members have said when asked about Jeno’s departure. He doesn’t know why they threw him that bone, but he’s grateful. That might all go down the toilet once the first memoir comes out, though.

“You look like shit,” Yeeun says. She always knows how to flatter him.

“Long night last night,” he says. “Guanheng’s cousin’s friend’s sister’s…fuck, I don’t know. I wasn’t paying.”

“You never slow down, do you?”

Hard to slow down when you’re always running from something, a voice in Jeno’s head says. It sounds suspiciously like Renjun at his most caustic. He’s forgotten many things over the years—the melodies Donghyuck would sing for vocal warm-ups, the taste of Mark’s abysmal cooking, the things Jisung would mumble to himself when he was half-asleep—but he’ll never forget the barbed wire Renjun kept coiled around his tongue so the simplest remarks could be sharp enough to draw blood. If Renjun could see Jeno now, Jeno knows he’d never survive, and Renjun wouldn’t even have to lift a finger. His words alone would cut Jeno into pieces.

“No, I do,” Jeno says, packaging Renjun away in the same odd corner of his brain where Mark, Donghyuck, Jaemin, Shotaro, Chenle, and Jisung spend their days. They like to get loose sometimes, like just now, despite Jeno’s best efforts. “I’m getting old now.”

Yeeun rolls her eyes. “You’re not even twenty-seven.”

“I will be.”

Twenty-seven. The infamous age. Renjun, Donghyuck, Jaemin, and Shotaro all turn twenty-seven this year too. Mark already is.

But if any one of them is going to drop over dead because of it, it’ll be Jeno.

“Is the long night last night the reason for that frown on your face, too?” Yeeun asks. It’s only because she says it that he realizes he’s doing it. He neutralizes his expression, not that it matters.

“I’m just tired.”

“Liar.” She sees through him so easily. He doesn’t know how she does it. He’s asked her, but she’ll be taking that secret to her grave. “What’s on your mind?”

Jeno doesn’t know if this is the place to have this conversation. There are a lot of very sweaty people packed in like sardines, dancing to music that’s just a little too loud, and Yeeun has patrons she needs to take care of. But he wouldn’t want to have this conversation even if he was somewhere quiet with Yeeun, just the two of them, and neither one of them had anything else to focus on. In fact, that would probably be worse.

“Doyoung called. That’s all.”

“That’s not all. Doyoung checks in on you every week. What did he say?”

“Just…the Neos. It’s their tenth anniversary this year.”

“It is, isn’t it? You missing the band?”

Is Jeno missing the band? Does Jeno ever stop missing the band? Somehow the answer to both questions is yes and no at the same time. Does he miss the boys…well, that’s even more complicated.

“A little.”

Yeeun nods. “Hang on.”

She has a couple of drinks to make for two people who look disturbingly close to going all the way right here in the club. Jeno wouldn’t even be surprised. He’s seen a lot of shit since starting work here. Yeeun whips up the drinks with practiced ease, setting them with a grimace on the bar in front of the couple who aren’t paying attention to anything but each other, and then she comes back to Jeno.

“Good thing they have an open tab,” she says. “Anyway, you. The Neos. You still in contact with any of them?”

As if. They all probably have his number blocked.

“Not really, no.”

“Is there a reason for that?”

Jeno looks at the bar. There was one very bad night seven years ago. Closer to six, actually, if he really did the math. It won’t be seven until August. Won’t be seven until the Neos are ten.

God, Jaemin wasn’t even twenty yet the last time Jeno saw him. He missed his birthday.

Probably ruined his birthday, too.

He shrugs. “We live different lives now.”

What would she say if she knew the truth? Would she still look at him the same?

“But you talk to Doyoung.”

“Doyoung’s my brother.”

Flimsy excuses, and Yeeun knows it. Renjun’s out of his corner again, goading him, telling him to tell Yeeun everything, what he did that night, the things he said. The way he left. It’s ironic, because out of all eight of them, Renjun saw the least of it. He didn’t show up until the bitter end. But there’s no universe in which Jeno can say Renjun was the least hurt.

“And he’s their manager. None of them are ever around when he calls?”

It could’ve been a clean break, if not for Doyoung. Jeno could’ve disappeared, hidden under a rock, and never had to think about the Neos ever again. But Doyoung was never going to just walk away like Jeno did. He’d poured all of his time and energy into the band for over three years, and he loved the boys like they were all his younger brothers. He did what Jeno couldn’t do. He stayed. It was never even a question.

“He does have a life outside of them.”

The biggest lie Jeno’s told tonight. Doyoung’s been a workaholic since he was just a kid in school. He doesn’t even know what a personal life is.

“Okay.” Yeeun’s doubtful. Jeno can tell. “There wouldn’t be any substance to those rumors that you didn’t leave under very good circumstances, would there?”

Renjun’s losing his shit. If only the real Renjun was here. He’d have a field day.

“You shouldn’t believe everything you read online, noona.”

“I get it. None of my business. But Doyoung didn’t really call just to tell you it’s the Neos’ tenth anniversary this year, did he?”

Of course she knows. She’s not stupid. She can put two and two together. Maybe Jeno does want to talk about it after all. Yeeun can’t judge him. She doesn’t know what he did.

Cowards like you will never tell. Renjun’s on fire tonight.

“He wants me to come back. For the anniversary.”

Doyoung never actually said that, but he didn’t need to. Doyoung calls at least once a year to ask him to come back. Jeno knew it would be bad this year.

“Are you going to?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

It sounds so simple when he says it. He doesn’t have the interest or the time. He’s content with his life now. His days with the Neos are over. There’s no point to trying to recapture a memory.

Now if only it felt that simple.

“Why not?”

He just outlined all the reasons in his head. The other boys are starting to come out from where he’d like them to stay, and they’re all joining Renjun in ridiculing him and his efforts to fool himself. Even Shotaro’s looking at him with disappointed eyes.

He could use a fucking drink. Too bad he’s on the clock.

“We live different lives now.”

“Ah. That’s right.”

Someone stumbles up to the bar and orders rum and coke. As Yeeun works on it, the guy turns to Jeno and gives a nod of acknowledgment before looking back at Yeeun. And then at Jeno once more and back to Yeeun. He looks at Jeno for the third time, eyes going up and down Jeno’s whole body, before he squints.

“Hey, man, are you on her shirt?” he asks.

Jeno gives him a smile. “If I was on her shirt, do you think I’d be here?”

The guy nods and makes a face that says “good point” before he turns away, none the wiser. Jeno’s honestly a little impressed. Uncommon as it is to find a longtime fan around here, it’s even more uncommon to find someone who actually links Jeno’s face to Yeeun’s shirt when she wears it. Jeno was probably about eight years younger than he is now when that picture was taken, and it’s not a very clear picture to begin with.

Yeeun gets the guy his drink, and he heads back to the dance floor. She looks at Jeno knowingly.

“You ever tell people who you really are?” she asks.

“This is who I really am.”

Pathetic, Renjun snarls. After what you did to us, you can’t even admit that you were once one of us. Afraid you might get questions you don’t want to answer? You’ve never even told Yeeun. She’s supposed to be your friend.

 We were supposed to be your friends.

“This is who I am now,” Jeno amends. It does nothing to satisfy the angry men in his head.

“Uh-huh. Well, as happy as a Neos reunion would make twenty-two-year-old Yeeun, I guess it’s your decision.”

So Doyoung wasn’t completely wrong. There is at least one fan who would be happy to see Jeno’s return.

“I can’t believe you listened to us back then.”

“You guys were good!”

They were something. Something nobody really expected. To look at them today…nobody would’ve guessed back in the early years that they’d end up where they are now. Jeno didn’t.

Would he have stayed if he did? Could he have stayed if he did?

“They’re still good now.”

“Oh, I know, but I didn’t know if it’d make me sound like an asshole if I said that.”

“I already know you didn’t stop being a fan when I left.”

Did anyone stop being a fan when Jeno left? Does it matter? Certainly not. The Neos aren’t hunting for attention without him. They couldn’t buy fame like the fame they have.

“Fair enough.”

Yeeun’s called away again to make more drinks. A whole group just came over, so she’s going to be busy for a little bit. That leaves Jeno alone with his thoughts. Alone with the voices of the seven people he once called his closest friends. If only he could figure out how to keep them quiet.

Maybe it’s far too late for that.

Jeno gets home in the early, early hours of the morning, and he’s exhausted but he knows he’s not going to be able to sleep. Not for a while. Fucking Doyoung’s got him all wrapped up in the past, like he does every time he calls asking Jeno to come back. It’s even worse this time, because of the anniversary. Ten years. More, actually, if you count all the time they spent beforehand playing informal gigs all over their hometown and the neighboring ones. But it’s ten years from that first album, and that’s the date they always paid attention to. That’s the date they were celebrating when Jeno left. It’s the anniversary of the band, but it’s the anniversary of the worst night of Jeno’s life, too.

He knows he’s going to regret it, but he goes to his bedroom and searches blindly with one hand under his bed until his fingers knock against the side of what he knows is an old shoebox. He pulls it out and just stares at the lid for what has to be at least a couple minutes. He almost shoves it right back where it came from, but then, like his hands are working on their own, he takes the lid off. There are dozens of pictures inside, and of course the one on the very top is of Jaemin. Jeno doesn’t really remember taking it, and maybe he didn’t. Maybe he got it from someone else. He can’t remember now. It doesn’t really matter, because he has it, and that means Jaemin, all young and bright-eyed and beautiful, is smiling up at him. Jeno thinks he must be about eighteen. He takes the picture out and puts it to the side, upside-down. It’s too much to look at right now.

He starts sifting through the rest. Some he’s in, some he’s not, some he remembers well, some he doesn’t. Here’s them at one of their very first real gigs. Donghyuck’s not even there yet. There’s Mark and Renjun by someone’s Christmas tree, Renjun sporting that haircut that he hated. There’s Jisung on the beach, there’s Jeno and Shotaro tuning up, there’s Donghyuck and Chenle making ridiculous faces by a sign proudly bearing the band’s name. There’s Renjun laughing at an outrageously drunk Doyoung, there’s an embarrassed Jisung seated in Yuta’s lap, there’s Mark, Jeno, and Chenle mid-conversation, there’s Donghyuck with a mic to his lips, there’s Shotaro with his older sister on his back. Jaemin isn’t in as many pictures as the rest of them are, but that’s because he took most of them. He used to tote his camera around everywhere and have the pictures developed for anyone who wanted them. Jeno wonders if the other Neos have their own similar stashes of pictures hidden away somewhere, perhaps bigger than Jeno’s if Jaemin still takes pictures like he used to. Maybe they’ve replaced all the old photos with new ones, ones without Jeno. Pictures from all their years of immeasurable success, pictures from a life Jeno’s only been able to peer at from across countries, across oceans.

At the very bottom of the pile, Jeno finds exactly what he was expecting to. It’s probably the last picture ever taken of all eight original members of the Neos all together. It’s from Mark’s twenty-first birthday. He’s in the center, arm around Jaemin’s shoulders. Jeno’s on the end, his arm around Renjun’s waist. Seven of them look very happy, but when Jeno looks very closely at himself, he can see the stiffness in his smile. He must not have been completely drunk by that point. He knows he was extremely hungover the next morning. Five days later he was gone. There were a lot of things that led up to it, going back years, but Jeno thinks Mark’s birthday was the true beginning of the end.

It’s another picture he can’t look at for too long. Sometimes he can still taste the bitterness of that day on his tongue like it was only yesterday. It can still be hard pill for him to swallow, even now.

He puts all of the pictures back in the box except the first one of Jaemin. That one he leaves where it is, still upside-down so he can’t feel Jaemin’s eyes on him. He unlocks his phone and searches the Neos online, something he does more than he’s proud of. Most of the news articles he sees are about their upcoming ten year anniversary tour, but there are a few fluff pieces here and there. Barely a day goes by without at least one of them in the news, despite their best efforts. Dating rumors, a lot of the time, because the whole world seems to have an unhealthy obsession with whoever any of the members might be romantically involved with. The only one Jeno’s never seen seriously linked to anyone is Jaemin. Even Jisung has been tied to a few actresses over the years, though Jeno knows none of those were true because Jisung’s gay. But for Jaemin, there’s been no one. He’s the mysterious one, the one who doesn’t speak in interviews unless directly spoken to, the one who’s rarely spotted in public, the one who could very well be living in cave in the middle of nowhere, only coming out to record and to tour. It amuses Jeno to see how some fans talk about him sometimes, how they conjure up images of some bad boy with secrets buried down deeper than the ocean, waiting for the right person to come along and peel back all the layers to find the real Jaemin hidden inside. It’s impossible for him to look at Jaemin like that—Jaemin, who’s just a little shy and very much a homebody, and would make the worst bad boy the world had ever seen. He likes kittens and bunnies and bright colors and is polite and considerate and gentle. He doesn’t even drink. Being a drummer is the toughest thing about him.

You haven’t seen me in years, says another one of those voices in his head, and this one is clearly Jaemin. There’s no venom in his voice like in Renjun’s, because Jaemin only ever got nasty like that with certain people and Jeno wasn’t one of them. But there is pain. There’s so much fucking pain. You don’t know anything about me anymore. That could all have changed.

It could have, but Jeno doesn’t believe it. Jaemin could never be anything but sweet and soft.

Jeno picks up the picture of Jaemin and turns it over. He doesn’t know, he can’t remember, but he wants to believe that he took this picture. He wants to believe that Jaemin was smiling like this at him. Jeno has never seen anyone with a smile prettier than his.

He puts the picture back in the box, because the longer he looks the more accusatory Jaemin’s eyes get, even if it’s just his imagination. After Jeno left, all the other members tried to call, left him messages, did everything they could to try and get in contact with him, sometimes peacefully, sometimes not, but Jaemin never did. Jaemin never said a word. Jeno left, and anything tying Jeno and Jaemin together snapped in two. No…no, it was earlier than that. Jeno wasn’t even gone before he lost Jaemin.

And now Doyoung wants him to return to that, probably even has visions of them all reconciling. It’ll never happen. That’s just a nice fairytale.

Everything started with Jaemin. For Jeno it did, anyway. Jaemin was the first member of the Neos Jeno met. He doesn’t remember the first meeting specifically, but he does remember bits and pieces of his first year in school, and a little boy who would share his crayons with him. Jaemin was Jeno’s first friend, and for a long time Jeno thought Jaemin was the only friend he would ever need. Others came and went, and though some even stuck around, they were always different from Jaemin. Jaemin had a place in Jeno’s head and in his heart that could never be taken over by another person.  Even now, the majority of Jeno’s life can be divided up into two clear segments: Jaemin, and after Jaemin. It’s the only distinction that means anything to Jeno. He used to envision countless futures with Jaemin, some endlessly hopeful, some harshly pessimistic, but he never envisioned any without him. He always thought Jaemin would be with him forever. But now it’s hard—almost impossible—to think about Jaemin without picturing him the way he was the last time Jeno saw him. He was crying, and it was Jeno’s fault.

Everything started with Jaemin. And in a way, everything ended with Jaemin, too.

Chapter Text

Jeno has the worst fucking dream. He’s in the crowd at a Neos concert just having a good time, and then right in the middle of a song there’s a particularly bad burst of feedback, and once everything quiets down all seven members of the band and all of the other fans are staring right at him. Yeeun’s there too, judgmental frown on her face.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Donghyuck says, “tonight you’ll have to give a warm welcome to our wonderful eighth member, Lee Jeno. Most of you probably don’t remember him—and why would you want to—but he actually was here when we formed this band. Hard to believe, isn’t it? Obviously we’ve been much better off without him, but every year, his brother, our loving manager, tries to get him to come back. What do you think? Would you like him to come back?”

The crowd starts to jeer. Yeeun looks at him with disgust in her eyes.

“No? No Jeno? Good choice, I’d say. Who needs him? What do you think, boys?”

“I think he can go to hell,” Renjun says. “Do you all know he was my boyfriend once? Probably not. We never mentioned it back then and I don’t talk about it now. Worst fucking mistake of my life, really. We don’t have time to get into what he did to me, but know that I wish I’d never met him at all. What about you, Jaemin?”

It’s only when Renjun says that that Jeno realizes Jaemin’s not there. He was, but he’s gone now. The raised platform behind the others holds his drum kit, but not him.

“He’s gone, Jeno,” Mark says quietly. “Did you think he’d stick around? Did you think he’d have anything to say to you? Did you think maybe you’d get to give him some half-assed apology, and maybe he’d forgive you?” Mark tilts his head to one side. “Grow up, Jeno.”

The words make Jeno feel sick to his stomach. The crowd’s getting rowdier, and he doesn’t think there’s anything he can do to appease them.

“I think the people having spoken, Jeno,” Donghyuck says. “After all, don’t you remember what I told you that night?”

“Don’t bother,” Chenle says.

“Don’t bother,” Jisung echoes.

“Sorry, bro,” Shotaro says with a shrug. “I was rooting for you, but…well, actually, I don’t really give a shit. I got all of your solos.”

“He plays them better than you ever did, too,” Yeeun says. Various others from the crowd voice their agreement.

“It’s over, Jeno,” Donghyuck says. “You’re done.”

Jeno wakes up as the Neos start to descend the stage. He’s disoriented and confused; he feels like he’s been asleep for days. He looks at the clock, and finds it’s a little past eleven. His heart is pounding like he just ran a marathon, and his head hurts. And he wasn’t even drunk last night. He sits for a while just trying to calm himself down—all this over a stupid dream—and then he shakily takes his phone from the nightstand. He has messages from Doyoung that came in at about eight this morning

Pain In My Ass

I won’t bother trying to call because I know you’ll never wake up at this hour

I got the boys to agree to a meeting, if you’re interested

But I’m a fucking busy man, Jeno, and so are they

You need to make a decision soon

Jeno stares at Doyoung’s words, trying to make sense of them. He must still be dreaming. There’s no way they all actually agreed to see him. No way. Doyoung must be exaggerating again. Nevertheless, Jeno’s shock makes him do something he normally never does if Doyoung doesn’t first: he calls Doyoung.

“Get to the point, Jeno, I’m supposed to be calling like twelve different people right now,” Doyoung says when he answers. Maybe this is why Jeno doesn’t call him.

“You actually got them to agree to meet with me?”

“Yes.” Doyoung sounds vaguely insulted.

“What the hell did you bribe them with?”

“Nothing!” There’s a very long pause before Doyoung sheepishly finishes, “That I can’t afford.”

“I fucking knew it.”

“Listen, Jeno, if you wanna hide from this for the rest of your life, fucking fine. I’m getting tired of trying anyway. But they’ve agreed to at least see you, if you’ll come. So you can’t keep telling me they don’t wanna see you or talk to you, because it’s bullshit. I’m not saying they’re gonna welcome you back to the group with open arms, but it’s something. They’re willing to make an effort. The rest is up to you.”

Doyoung sounds worn down. He’s probably been fighting with most of the Neos, too. Jeno can’t imagine what he promised them to get them to agree to this.

“Doyoung, I…”

“Jeno, I don’t mean to sound like an asshole, but I really have things I need to be doing. If you don’t have an answer for me right now, just think about it and get back to me, okay? I’m sorry.”

“It’s—it’s okay. I’ll, um, I’ll let you know.”

“Okay. And Jeno?”

“Yeah?”

“The worst they can do to you is tell you they never wanna see you again, which is the direction you’re heading in already. It’ll be okay.”

Doyoung means well, but he’s too optimistic. He still sees the best in all of them, even Jeno. He still believes they can patch everything up with love and the power of friendship. Jeno’s much more realistic.

“Sure. Whatever. I’ll talk to you later.”

Doyoung sighs. “Okay. I love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

Jeno drops his phone on his bed. For some reason, it seems very ridiculous to him that he’s still under the covers. And his head still fucking hurts, too. Maybe worse now. He gets up to get some Tylenol out of the bathroom, then makes a stop in the kitchen at the booze cabinet. It’s way too fucking early for this. He doesn’t care. He needs bourbon. Lots of bourbon, and maybe some waffles or something.

Doyoung got them to agree to see him. All of them. He can buy Shotaro, maybe Chenle and Jisung, if Doyoung caught them feeling generous, but the others? Mark, Donghyuck, Renjun? Jaemin? Jeno relives the night he left at least once a month, he remembers quite clearly how everything ended. Jaemin crying, Mark livid, Renjun confused and hurt, and Donghyuck…Donghyuck with the final ultimatum. Jeno had taken Donghyuck seriously all these years.

Don’t bother coming back.

He takes a sip of his drink. He needs the Tylenol to start kicking in.

Jeno’s not stupid enough to believe this means they’ve forgiven him. The damage goes too deep for that. Maybe they just want the chance to yell at him in person. The only ones who had that opportunity before Jeno left were Mark and Donghyuck, to some extent, but Jeno doubts that if he stood in front of either of them today they’d have nothing to say. He thinks of how many voicemails he deleted without even listening to them. Time and distance may have dulled harsh feelings, but they certainly didn’t destroy them.

But there’s something inside of him that’s saying he’ll never put this to rest if he doesn’t face it. He’ll be having dreams like the one he had last night until the day he dies. As much as he hates to admit it, Doyoung might have had a point. They’re willing to see him. If he doesn’t go, he can’t blame this one on them.

But how can he face them again after all this time?

He slams the rest of his drink and thinks about calling Yeeun, but would could Yeeun do for him? How can she advise him if she doesn’t know the full story? No one does, no one who wasn’t there. Most people Jeno knows now don’t even know he was ever part of a band, let alone the Neos. He can’t even talk to Doyoung, because he already knows what Doyoung thinks he should do. He can’t talk to Mark, strong, resolute shoulder to lean on Mark. He can’t talk to Renjun, who was always so logical and reasonable when helping a friend. He can’t talk to Jaemin. He used to talk to Jaemin about everything.

Jaemin. Sometimes Jeno still taps on his name in his contacts, still pretends he might call. But he surely has a new number now, he’s not even living in the same country. And even if he didn't, he'd never answer. But sometimes Jeno likes to imagine calling, likes to imagine Jaemin not being mad or upset, likes to imagine a lot of things he shouldn’t be imagining. A lot of things that’ll never be real.

Who loves you, Nana? Who loves you like I did now that I’m gone?

Jeno pours himself another. What he wouldn’t give to be someone else right now. One meeting. One meeting, no promises, no guarantees. One meeting that he has to go all the way to the fucking States for. One meeting and he’ll get to see Jaemin again.

Pain In My Ass

Fine I’ll do it

But you better have been serious about paying for my flight

Because I am not doing that

This is the worst idea Jeno’s ever had.

Jeno negotiates a long weekend off. Doyoung does the rest. Yeeun’s nice enough to drive him to the airport, but once he’s there, Jeno’s faced with a near fourteen hour flight by himself. This isn’t his first trip to America—he went a handful of different times with the Neos, back when he was still part of the band—but it is his first trip to O’Hare. The Neos don’t live in New York or California or Tennessee or really anywhere you’d expect the members of one of the biggest bands on the planet to live. They live in an unincorporated area right in middle of the state of Wisconsin, of all places, for no good reason Jeno can see besides they’re rich enough to do whatever the hell they want. Their last few albums have literally been recorded from Mark’s house. Jeno knows he has a four hour drive after he gets to Chicago, but Doyoung’s coming to get him, which means Doyoung has an eight hour drive, and that’s a little bit satisfying to Jeno. This was all his idea, after all.

It’s mid-afternoon when Jeno lands in Chicago. His internal clock is all fucked up, but the clock on his phone is just fine. Doyoung actually made a sign with his name on it, like maybe Jeno’s forgotten what his brother looks like. Actually, that’s probably exactly what Doyoung was thinking when he made it, the drama queen.

“Hey, Jeno,” Doyoung says. “Let’s hurry and get your luggage. Taeyong’s waiting in the cell phone lot.”

Jeno’s surprised to hear that. He figured Doyoung would be alone.

“Taeyong hyung came?” he says.

“Taeyong hyung?” Doyoung asks. “Are you serious right now?”

“It’s good to see you, Doyoung,” Jeno says flatly. Doyoung purses his lips.

“You too, Jeno. Now come on.”

Doyoung seems pretty familiar with the airport, which makes sense. He’s probably been here hundreds of times on Neo business. It’s a little comforting to Jeno, who feels unsteady in a strange place in a foreign country. Once they’ve collected his luggage—which goes better than Jeno was expecting—Doyoung calls Taeyong, and they only have to wait a few minutes before Taeyong comes rolling up in a car Jeno recognizes as Doyoung’s.

“Jeno!” Taeyong cries, hopping out of the driver’s seat to hug him. “It’s been so long! How come you never call? Don’t you know I’ve missed you?”

“Sorry, Taeyong hyung,” Jeno says.

“We’re in the way,” Doyoung says, heading for the driver’s side himself. “You have four hours to talk.”

“Right, right,” Taeyong says, letting Jeno go. Jeno puts his stuff in the trunk before he goes for the backseat, and Taeyong slides in next to him. He raises his eyebrows, but Taeyong looks at him like they’re sharing an inside joke. “Doie has phone calls to make. As usual. Work never stops.”

“We do have a major tour coming up,” Doyoung says irritably. “It’s kind of a big deal.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes. “He’s going to be terrible company. No company at all, actually. You and I can leave him alone while we catch up.”

“You two better be back there praying it doesn’t start snowing,” Doyoung says, looking through the windshield at the overcast sky before starting to pull out. “I’m not in the mood.”

“It’s not supposed to snow until later tonight. I checked the forecast this morning.”

“Great. I’m sure that means it’ll start as soon as I get back on 90.”

“Yeah, whatever, just don’t get lost again.”

“Why did I even bring you?”

“Because Yuta wasn’t available.”

“What a fucking shame.”

Taeyong looks over at Jeno, smirking. “Anyway. How have you been, Jeno? It’s been so long.”

Jeno doesn’t need the reminder. The last time he saw Taeyong was the last time he saw any of them, any of them but Doyoung. The night of their third anniversary. Taeyong was there too, though he, like Doyoung, didn’t see or hear anything that happened. Well, he definitely heard the yelling, but he didn’t know what was happening. He does now, though. He couldn’t possibly not. He probably found out that same night, from Jisung or Chenle. Taeyong was Doyoung’s best friend from the start of high school. Jeno used to think so highly of him. He wonders what Taeyong thinks of him now.

“I’ve been fine,” Jeno says. “You?”

“Good, I’ve been good. Busy, you know, with the band. It’s been crazy, the past couple years.”

It’s been crazy since Jeno left, really. That’s maybe the best part of this whole thing. Karma’s a bitch, and mere months after Jeno took off, the Neos released their breakthrough album and took over at least the western market. They’d already started recording some stuff before Jeno left that all had to be redone. He remembers that really pissing Doyoung off.

Of course, at that time, Doyoung still thought Jeno was just throwing a temper tantrum and would come back eventually. Then that album was released without Jeno’s name on it anywhere, and Doyoung had to stop living in denial.

“I’m sure it has.”

Taeyong smiles gently. “We’ve missed you.”

Jeno wonders who he means by “we.” Him and Doyoung? He supposes he should be grateful that anyone's missed him at all.

“I missed you guys, too.”

Taeyong has countless stories for him from the years he’s missed, and Jeno really tries to give all the appropriate reactions because he knows Taeyong means well, but he can’t deny that it hurts a little to hear all of this. To hear about how well everyone’s been doing without him. Just to hear about everyone in general. He finds himself on accident paying more attention to Doyoung, who’s making call after call to who knows who. Everything he says is in English, and most of the time he speaks so fast that Jeno can’t really understand him, but every once in a while he’ll pick out one of the Neos’ names. His eyes start drooping eventually, and Taeyong notices and tells him to get some sleep if he can. It’s good, because Jeno thinks it’s only a matter of minutes before he’s out cold. The next he knows, it’s fully dark and snowing, and there’s nothing but a bunch of trees, evergreens, to be seen out of the windows. Taeyong’s asleep himself, and Doyoung’s no longer on the phone. It’s quiet. Jeno shifts and attempts to stretch. One of his arms is asleep, just like Taeyong.

“You’re awake,” Doyoung says softly. “We’re almost there. Just a couple more miles.”

“Why the hell did all of you guys move out to Nowhere, Wisconsin?” Jeno asks.

“The boys got tired of the city. They were getting mobbed constantly back in New York, most of them were tired of it. They wanted to go somewhere away from all the people. We were gonna just throw darts at a map, but Mark wanted to go to Wisconsin.”

“Why?”

“Because this is where Les Paul was from.”

Jeno has to laugh. “That…is so Mark.”

“Yeah. And since nobody had any better ideas, here we are. It’s actually pretty nice, though the snow can get a little ridiculous sometimes.”

Another couple minutes pass before Jeno starts to see some houses, just a few dotted here and there. He thinks they must be in the right area—Doyoung said only a couple more miles—and with each house they pass he can’t help but wonder if it’s home to someone he knows. They all live out here somewhere, all the boys and many of their most trusted crew members. He wants to ask Doyoung, but something stops him.

“We have to drop off Taeyong first,” Doyoung says as pulls into a driveway. This house—and all the others Jeno has seen so far—is so simple and innocuous. If Jeno didn’t know any better and was told this was the house of the publicist of a world famous band, he wouldn’t believe it.

“Wake him up, will you?” Doyoung asks. “He’ll be nicer to you.”

Jeno quietly calls Taeyong’s name and gently shakes his shoulder. Taeyong jolts awake after a couple seconds, looking around in bewilderment. His eyes land on Jeno, and he starts to relax.

“That’s right,” he says to himself. “We had to get Jeno.” He stretches, and louder he asks, “Are we home?”

“You are,” Doyoung says.

“Oh, nice. Well, it was good seeing you Jeno—but I’ll be there tomorrow, too.”

“It was good seeing you, too, hyung.”

Taeyong smiles. “You don’t have to call me hyung, Jeno. Nobody does anymore.”

Jeno supposes not. Even before Jeno left, they’d gone a little lax with the honorifics, especially between the eight of them in the band. Jeno doesn’t remember calling Mark “hyung” for years, and he stopped calling Doyoung “hyung” at some point too. As for the others, all this time in America has probably affected that, pushed it even further, especially considering their extensive use of English nowadays. Jeno nods, but for some reason he thinks it’ll be a harder adjustment with Taeyong than it was with Mark and Doyoung.

“See you guys tomorrow,” Taeyong says as he climbs out of the car.

“See you,” Doyoung says, and once Taeyong’s heading up the driveway towards his front door, Doyoung turns to look at Jeno. “You can join me up here if you want, but we’re just going down the street.”

Jeno gets out and takes the passenger seat anyway. Doyoung doesn’t say anything as he backs out of Taeyong’s driveway, and Jeno notices the slightest frown on his face. He thinks it’s been there since Jeno first spotted him at O’Hare. He looks tense as he drives. Jeno wonders if this is about him, or the Neos, or both. Or maybe this is just the way he always is now. For more than six years, Jeno’s only seen him for holidays and the very rare occasions when he’s been in Korea and had a second to spare. They talk on the phone every week, but that’s a lot different from being face-to-face.

Doyoung only lives a few houses down from Taeyong. Jeno looks at the houses between them and once again has to wonder who lives in them, if he knows them. The one with the porch swing, is that Renjun’s? The one that still has Christmas lights on it, perhaps Chenle and Jisung’s? And what about Jaemin, where is he now?

Doyoung’s house is much like Taeyong’s: respectable but modest, not particularly eye-catching but not a bad place to want to live. Jeno’s sure it’s nicer than his apartment. Doyoung pulls into the garage and gets out of the car without a word, and Jeno follows him after getting his stuff from the back of the car. He finds the interior of house fits his expectations based on the exterior: clean, well-kept, a little sparsely decorated, but very homey. Still not the place where he’d expect the manager of the Neos to live.

“Were you expecting a mansion?” Doyoung asks as Jeno takes in his surroundings.

“Honestly, a little.”

Doyoung smiles tiredly. “Sorry to disappoint. The closest to a mansion is Mark and Jaemin’s place, and that’s only because they have a whole recording studio.”

Jeno can’t control the way he looks at Doyoung sharply. “Mark and Jaemin?”

“Yeah, Jaemin lives there too.” Doyoung furrows his eyebrows. “Did you not know that?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“I could’ve sworn I told you that.”

Jeno would definitely remember it if he had. He was under the impression that Jaemin was alone.

“So…Mark and Jaemin. Are—are they…?”

Doyoung seems unimpressed that Jeno can’t finish his question. “Are they what? Dating? Fucking? Married and dads to a bunch of little cat children?”

Jeno tries not to wince. “Any of those is fine.”

“You want the truth?”

Jeno rolls his eyes. “No, Doie. Lie to me.”

Doyoung takes a long time to answer, all the while looking at Jeno like he’s trying to figure out if he deserves to know. “No. They’re not. But they fucking should be.”

Jeno doesn’t like that answer. But he wanted the truth.

“You should probably get some sleep. We have to be at the restaurant at noon tomorrow.”

“You have restaurants around here?”

“Yeah, funny. Anyway, I’d like to be there a little early.”

“Why aren’t we just meeting at someone’s house?”

“I thought someplace public would be nice.”

“Oh, I get it. You wanna make sure no one kills me.”

“It’s not just you I’m worried about.”

Jeno wants to ask what—or who—he means, but he doesn’t think Doyoung will tell him. He doesn’t think it’s any of his business anymore.

“Besides,” Doyoung says, “none of the boys can ever turn down free food.”

“That was one of the conditions, wasn’t it? To get them to agree to meet with me?”

“Yeah, and I’ll be paying for you too, so I don’t think you have anything to complain about.”

“Not complaining.”

Doyoung shakes his head. “Guest room’s the first door on the left upstairs, bathroom’s the second. I’m probably gonna head to bed, too, so is there anything I can get you before I do?”

“No, I’m all set.”

“Okay, well I’m at the end of the hall if you think of anything. And Jeno?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you came.”

At least one of them is. Jeno can’t stop thinking this is all one giant mistake. He smiles and nods, and tries to display a confidence he doesn’t feel. There’s nothing he can do about it now, besides sneak out of Doyoung’s house later tonight and book the soonest flight back to Korea, and he’s not that much of a coward. Though he can’t deny it’s tempting.

There’s a bed, a nightstand, a dresser, and a bookshelf in the guest room and not much else as far as furniture goes, but there are some pictures hanging on the walls, mostly of Doyoung and the Neos and a few other faces over the years. Some of the others Jeno recognizes, some he doesn’t. Just as he’s thinking about how there are no pictures of him, he spots one sitting on the nightstand. It’s him and Doyoung from a few Christmases ago. It was actually probably late January—maybe even early February—but they were celebrating Christmas. That’s how it goes most years. It’s a nice picture. He should ask if Doyoung can get him a copy. He’s not sure what the most recent picture he has of him and Doyoung is.

He has a hard time getting to sleep that night. He’s anxious for the day that lies ahead, and he can’t stop thinking about what Doyoung told him. Jaemin lives with Mark. They’re not dating, but they should be. Maybe Jeno shouldn’t be surprised. Jaemin was always Mark’s favorite, and Jaemin…

Oh, Jaemin.

Jeno doesn’t know how he’s going to survive the upcoming day.

Maybe Jeno was in love with Jaemin from the beginning. Maybe it was there, at its most innocent, from the very first second he met Jaemin. And every year it grew until it blossomed into something big and beautiful and completely out of control. Jeno thinks it’s possible. He can remember the single-minded focus he had on Jaemin even when they were young, the jealousy he felt when Jaemin wanted to play with other kids. Jaemin was everything to him, right from the start.

Jeno’s love for Jaemin is something that he’s been carrying with him for a very long time. Something that’s as much a part of him as his brown eyes or his appreciation of a good guitar solo. It’s also what drove a wedge between him and the rest of the Neos, Jaemin most of all. Jeno’s never regretted something more in his life, but he doesn’t think that’s enough. He doesn't know if anything could be enough anymore.

Chapter Text

Doyoung’s still very anal about punctuality. He follows Jeno around the house all morning, breathing down his neck about not being late. He wants to be the first one there, which Jeno can understand because he’s the manager, and he’s also Doyoung, but…Jeno doesn’t want to be the first one there. He doesn’t have a choice, because Doyoung’s his ride, but that doesn’t mean he has to be happy about it.

Of course, walking in once everyone else is already there doesn’t sound like much fun either. Maybe Jeno just needs to be honest about not wanting to go.

They do have to drive about fifteen minutes to an actual town to get to the restaurant, and the host smiles at Doyoung like Doyoung’s come bearing expensive gifts when they walk inside.

“Doyoung, so good to see you again!” he says, in English, of course. “We have the upstairs room all ready for you!”

“Thanks, Tristan,” Doyoung replies. “I’d like you to meet my brother, Jeno.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you had a brother,” Tristan says, and Jeno tries not to let that bother him. He doesn’t know how well this guy even knows Doyoung anyway. “It’s nice to meet you, Jeno. I’m Tristan.”

“Nice to meet you, too,” Jeno says, hoping Tristan won’t say anything else to him. He hasn’t used much English since he was with the Neos, and he wasn’t fluent to begin with.

“I’ll send the others up when they come,” Tristan says to Doyoung. “Would you like me to take you up, or—?”

“No, that’s fine. Thank you so much.”

“Enjoy!”

“Follow me,” Doyoung says to Jeno, in Korean. He leads Jeno to a stairwell opposite the host’s station and starts his way up.

“He seems to like you,” Jeno says.

“Everyone here likes me,” Doyoung says. “Everyone here likes all of us. Because we’re here, spending large amounts of money, like every other day. The owner made a special specifically for us. Chenle found this place when we first moved to the area. It changed his life.”

Jeno snickers.

The upstairs room is cozy, but it’ll be big enough to comfortably fit Jeno, Doyoung, Taeyong, and all the Neos, plus Yuta, who’s also supposed to be coming. There are four tables set up in a square, and eleven chairs divided among them, giving Jeno the feeling that this was arranged specifically for them. Jeno waits for Doyoung to pick a chair, and then he takes one next to him, and he’s hoping Taeyong will end up on the other side of him. Doyoung’s immediately absorbed with his phone, and if Jeno knows anything about his brother, it’s business. Jeno sits quietly, drowning in dread that almost chokes him when he hears voices coming their way. He relaxes a little when he sees Taeyong, but Shotaro’s right behind him.

“Hello again, you two,” Taeyong says, and Jeno could cry in relief when he sits down next to him.

“Hey, Taeyong,” Doyoung says, not looking up from his phone.

“Hi, Doyoung,” Shotaro says, and Doyoung blinks and looks up in surprise like he didn’t realize Shotaro was here too.

“Oh, hi, Taro.”

Shotaro chuckles, and then he looks past Doyoung to Jeno. The smile he gives Jeno is—complicated, but it is a smile. “Hi, Jeno.”

Sometimes Jeno forgets that Shotaro saw and heard more than most of them did that night. He was already in the backyard with Jisung when everything started. Jeno’s remembering it well now, though. He can see it all over Shotaro’s face. Shotaro’s trying to be sincere, but he remembers, too.

“Hi, Shotaro. It’s good to see you.”

“Yeah, you too.”

It’s very subdued, but Jeno thinks he means it. Or maybe he just wants him to mean it. It’s hard to be sure. Shotaro takes a seat at one of the unoccupied sides of the square, away from the rest of them. The silence between all of them is stifling, but Jeno doesn’t want to be the one to break it.

“Anyone heard from Donghyuck?” Doyoung says finally. “I wanna be sure he doesn’t oversleep.”

Shotaro shakes his head. “I haven’t heard from Donghyuck in at least a week.”

“Yeah, okay. Um, well, we’ll see, I guess.”

“I’m sure it’s fine, Doyoung,” Taeyong says, but he doesn’t sound like he means it.

“Uh-huh,” Doyoung says, just as doubtful.

“Oh, thank God, I’m not the first one here.”

It’s said in English, and it makes Jeno turn. Jisung was quiet as a mouse on his way up here.

“Hi, Jisung,” Doyoung says, also in English. “Where’s Chenle?”

“With Renjun. Talking him off a ledge. If neither one of them shows up, don’t be shocked.” Jisung’s speaking just slow enough that Jeno can understand him, mostly, but the use of “talking him off a ledge” makes Jeno a little concerned. He repeats the phrase questioningly to Doyoung, translated to Korean.

“Just a figure of speech,” Doyoung assures him, using Korean himself. “Not literal.” He looks around at everyone as Jisung plops into a chair next to Shotaro. “Maybe we should all speak in Korean today, for Jeno’s benefit.”

“Whatever,” Jisung says, still in English. He hasn’t even glanced Jeno’s way. He starts talking to Shotaro, so quietly that Jeno can’t hear a thing he’s saying, regardless of what language he’s speaking in. Jeno looks at Doyoung, focusing on a certain type of smugness that he’s feeling so he won’t have to acknowledge the hurt.

“So they want me back, huh?” he says. Doyoung scowls but doesn’t say anything.

Another couple minutes pass with Jisung and Shotaro talking softly and Doyoung and Taeyong discussing business shit Jeno doesn’t fully understand. Any random passerby would be able to tell that Jeno’s the odd man out here. He supposes it could be worse. At least no one’s yelling at him.

They start to hear voices from the stairwell again, and one of them Jeno would recognize anywhere. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed. He could pick this voice out of a crowd of thousands. Yuta appears first, but Jeno knows who’s with him.

“Look who I found in the parking lot,” Yuta says, and for a second that seems to last a lifetime, all Jeno sees is Jaemin. Everything and everyone else in the room just disappears, and there’s only Jaemin left. Time has only made him more beautiful. Jeno feels like a nervous adolescent again.

Does he know? Does he know? Does he know?

Surely he must know by now. Surely he must have figured it out, or someone else did and told him. Surely he must know.

But what if he doesn’t? What if he still doesn’t have a clue? Would that be better or worse?

Mark comes into focus, at Jaemin’s side, hand on Jaemin’s back. Of course Mark and Jaemin would come together, they live together. Not dating, but they should be. The moment is over.

“Hey, you guys,” Doyoung says, and though Yuta spoke in English, he’s speaking in Korean. He’s trying, for Jeno’s sake. Yuta sits next to Doyoung, and Mark stays very close to Jaemin as they sit near Jisung and Shotaro.

“Hey, Jeno,” Yuta says casually, like they just saw each other the other day. Jeno greets him, and tries not to stare at the other two men who came with him. It takes a moment, but Jaemin finally looks at him, face void of any discernible emotion.

“Hi, Jeno,” he says.

“Hi, Jaemin.” Jeno almost calls him “Nana” on reflex. He doubts that would’ve gone over well.

“Hey, dude,” Mark says, like he needs Jeno to remember he’s there too. He has his hand on the back of Jaemin’s chair. It looks protective. Jeno thinks his eyes are slightly narrowed.

Or maybe he’s just imagining things because the last time he saw Mark, Mark punched him. It’s hard to tell. Mark was never very good at holding grudges, like Shotaro, but things were always different when Jaemin was involved.

“Hey, Mark.”

“Well, this isn’t fucking uncomfortable,” Yuta says.

“Yuta,” Doyoung says disapprovingly, but it’s weak disapproval. So he’s still a pushover for Yuta. Jeno figured as much.

“Come on, Doie, we’re gonna have to talk about it eventually. That’s why we’re here, isn’t it?”

“We’re not all here yet.”

“This might be all we get,” Jisung says. “Chenle’s not a miracle worker, and you know how Donghyuck is.”

“I didn’t even know Donghyuck was back in the state,” Mark says. “I thought he was in LA doing…whatever the fuck he does when he goes to LA.”

“He got back two days ago,” Doyoung says. “At my request.”

“Even more reason for Renjun not to show up,” Jisung says.

“Not noon yet,” Yuta says, looking at his phone. “They’ve got three more minutes.”

Renjun and Chenle show up at noon on the dot, and both of them look like they’d rather be anywhere else. Renjun takes a cursory glance at everyone at the table, his eyes just skipping right over Jeno, before saying, “Oh, Donghyuck’s fucking late. Bet nobody saw that coming.”

“You almost were,” Jaemin points out.

“But I wasn’t. I said I’d be here, I’m fucking here.”

Renjun and Chenle take two of the three final chairs, leaving only a gap next to Taeyong. Only Donghyuck is missing.

Before they have time to descend into another uncomfortable silence, a pretty brunette, maybe Jisung’s age, walks into the room. She’s wearing a nametag that reads “Chelsea” and carrying a tray of baskets of bread.

“Hey, guys!” she says cheerfully as she starts to set the baskets on the tables. “It’s good to see you all again.”

“They’re still making you deal with us?” Yuta asks. Chelsea laughs.

“You guys aren’t even close to the worst I’ve seen, trust me.” Her eyes fall on the empty chair. “We’re still missing someone, it looks like. Donghyuck?”

“He’ll be here soon,” Doyoung says, sounding much more confident than he did a few minutes ago.

“Okay.” Chelsea puts a basket directly in front of Chenle. “Just for you, Chenle.”

“Oh my God, marry me, Chelsea,” Chenle says. Chelsea snickers.

“We’ve got all the food ready to go whenever you guys are. Do you wanna wait for Donghyuck?”

“Hey, if he can’t be on time, he misses out,” Chenle says, already munching on some of the bread.

“No sense in waiting,” Doyoung says with a sigh, a sign that he really doesn’t know when Donghyuck’s going to show up, or if he’s going to show up at all.

“No problem,” Chelsea says. “Let me just get your drink orders.”

She makes her way around the tables and gives Jeno a big smile when she gets to him, commenting on how she’s never seen him here before. Doyoung introduces them, and she, like Tristan, also didn’t know Doyoung had a brother. She seems very happy to meet him, though, and Jeno’s glad that at least the employees here don’t have a problem with him. She retreats, and Doyoung picks up the basket closest to him.

“Bread?” he asks, holding it out to Jeno. “Better get some before Chenle eats it all.”

Chelsea’s back in record speed, with a tray carrying their drinks this time. There are two other servers on her tail, and as she starts handing out the drinks, they start placing pans of endless varieties of pastas on the tables. Once they’re done and gone, the others get up from the chairs, and Doyoung nudges Jeno with his arm.

“It’s a free-for-all,” he says. “Don’t be afraid to start pushing and shoving. They won’t be.”

Jeno would sooner let the other boys eat literally everything on the tables and leave nothing for him, but it’s nice of Doyoung to look out for him. There’s a lot of general chaos as everyone gets what they want, and Jeno sticks to what’s closest to him, because he’s a coward and he doesn’t want to venture too close to any of the Neos. Doyoung lets them all settle back in and begin to eat before he says, “We should probably start talking.”

“We’re not gonna wait for Donghyuck for that, either?” Renjun asks sarcastically.

“We can catch him up when he gets here.”

“If he gets here,” Jisung says.

“If he doesn’t show up soon, someone can call him. But we can’t wait all afternoon to have this conversation. I’m sure you’re all wondering why I arranged this meeting in the first place.”

“Not really,” Mark says. “You want Jeno to come on tour with us.”

“Literally everyone knows,” Renjun says. “Donghyuck even knows, I’m sure.”

“It’s ten years in August, boys,” Doyoung says.

“Really?” Chenle says. “I thought we were just calling it the ‘Ten Year Anniversary Tour’ because it’s catchy.”

“Don’t be an asshole, Lele,” Taeyong says.

“Don’t be an asshole? Now that’s ironic.”

“Here we go,” Yuta says under his breath. Jeno probably wouldn’t have heard it if he was sitting farther away. Yuta almost seems entertained. Maybe he is. He was closer to other members of the band than he was to Jeno, members like Jaemin. Maybe he wants to see Jeno get torn apart.

“Look, I get it,” Doyoung says. “You guys have had your…differences.”

“Differences?” Renjun says. “That’s a really fucking interesting way of putting it.”

“Can we agree to be civil?”

“How civil?”

“Like we’re having a business discussion.”

“Ah. That’s all this is, then? Jeno coming on tour with us is just good business?”

Doyoung sighs. “I think it could be.”

“Okay. And what if I don’t give a fuck?”

“I think I’m gonna call Donghyuck,” Taeyong interjects, getting to his feet and scurrying to the stairwell before anyone can even respond.

“Coward,” Renjun says.

“Boys,” Doyoung says, “you’ve been doing this for ten years now—”

“Yeah, we’ve been doing this for ten years,” Chenle says. “Where the fuck has Jeno been?”

Chenle’s angrier than Jeno was anticipating. He expected the real heat to come from others—Renjun, Mark, Jaemin—but not Chenle. He didn’t expect Chenle to be happy to see him or anything, but…Chenle’s eyes are cold. His jaw is clenched. He’s pissed, really pissed. The only other person at the table who looks as mad as he does is Renjun.

“That’s not fair, Chenle,” Doyoung says.

“Isn’t it? And what exactly is fair about anything Jeno’s done? Was him leaving fair? How about what he did to Renjun and Jaemin, was that fair? He just fucking threw us all away and now you want us to take him back like nothing happened? Is that fair?”

They’re talking about him like he’s not even here. He doesn't think Chenle’s looked at him even once since he got here. This, this is what Jeno was afraid of.

This is what he knew would happen.

“Chenle—”

“Hey, guys, look, it’s Donghyuck! Isn’t that great? Donghyuck!”

Taeyong’s back, gesturing wildly towards Donghyuck at his side, and it’s obvious he’s trying to be a distraction. Jeno’s grateful for the reprieve.

“Oh, look who decided to grace us with his presence,” Renjun says.

“Fuck off, Renjun,” Donghyuck says. His eyes land on Jeno, and his lips curl. “So, what I miss? We talking about bringing Jeno on tour with us?”

“Trying to,” Yuta says.

“Cool. Love it. Let’s do it.”

“Are you fucking kidding?” Renjun asks, taking the words right out of Jeno’s mouth.

“Nope.” Donghyuck quickly finds his spot—the only one with an empty plate—and he picks the plate up and starts to look at what his options are. “Come on, it’ll be fun. It’ll be just like old times. You know, before Jeno’s whole epic betrayal thing.”

“Maybe you should have stayed in LA,” Mark says.

“I would have loved to, it’s fucking freezing around here. Unfortunately, my handsome face was needed back home, with all of you. You couldn’t expect me to miss out on seeing Jeno, could you?” He looks at Jeno again. “Hi, Jeno.”

“Hi, Donghyuck,” Jeno says slowly. He feels like this is a trap somehow.

“You want Jeno to go on tour with the band?” Doyoung asks, like even he can’t believe it. If Jeno wasn’t so surprised himself, he’d be a little offended.

“Absolutely. The more, the merrier. Think of how cute it’ll be. ‘Founding member of the Neos returns to the band for their ten year anniversary.’ The press will eat it up.”

“Of course, you’re worried about the press,” Renjun says.

“I’m not worried about the press. I just think it would be fun. Don’t you want to come with us, Jeno?”

“I…”

That’s a very difficult question to answer. Jeno knows he doesn’t want to answer it in front of the other Neos, though. He doesn’t think they’ll be happy with anything he says, regardless of if the answer is yes or no.

“It’s not up to him,” Chenle says.

“Right, right, you’re all still mad at him. Well, good news! You’re all mad at me, too, and I’m gonna be there!”

“Donghyuck…” Doyoung says.

“You know I’m right, Doie. So why leave Jeno out? If you don’t want him to come, you might as well toss me, too.”

“Can I get tossed?” Jisung asks.

“It’s a little different with you,” Renjun says, ignoring Jisung. “You’re actually still part of the band. Or has that changed?”

Donghyuck puts a hand on his heart. “I’m hurt, Renjunnie. How can you even ask me that?”

He’s made his way around the table by this point, and he takes his seat. He begins to eat, unbothered by the way Renjun’s glaring at him.

It’s a terrible way to feel, but Jeno’s a little glad he’s not the only one here that they’re mad at.

“It would be nice for ten years,” Taeyong says quietly, hesitantly. “You do have fans who have been around that long.”

“Anything for the fans,” Renjun says. It’s not exactly sarcastic, but there is some bite to it. This is exactly what Jeno’s remembered all these years.

“I’m not expecting a decision to be made today,” Doyoung says.

“So why exactly are we here?” Mark asks.

“I told you when I set this up, I just wanted you guys to see each other again. It’s been seven years.”

“Not yet,” Shotaro says. “Not until August.”

“Still. It’s been long enough.”

“You know, we still haven’t heard if Jeno even wants to go on tour with us,” Renjun says, and with this, he’s looking straight at Jeno. “Maybe he has better things to do.”

Jeno looks down at his plate. He’s hardly eaten anything.

“I…haven’t played in a really long time,” he says. “I don’t even have a guitar right now.”

“You don’t?” Mark asks, surprised. Jeno shakes his head.

“So you need a guitar,” Donghyuck says with a shrug. “Mark and Shotaro have plenty, all better than what you used to play. You can brush up on your skills and learn the new stuff—you’ve got two of the best guitar players in the country right here.”

“That’s generous,” Shotaro says.

“It’s true.”

“So it sounds like you don’t really need me,” Jeno points out.

“It’s not about need, Jeno,” Taeyong says. “You helped form the band. If you want to come along, you should.”

“And if he doesn’t?” Renjun asks.

“Doesn’t he?” Chenle says. “Or is he just afraid of being around all of us for that long? He’s been hiding from us for a really long fucking time.”

It cuts Jeno deep, because he’s not wrong. Coming back to the band in any capacity is daunting, too daunting for him to want to think about. He did too much to them and he’s been gone too long. He doesn’t know how to return to this.

Donghyuck snorts, and it startles him a little. “You get used to them wanting you dead, Jeno, trust me.”

Maybe he’s right. But Jeno doesn’t want to get used to that.

“Like I said,” Doyoung says, “no decisions have to be made today. We have plenty of time, he can join us at any point in the tour. It’s just…something I think you should all be thinking about. This isn’t about him, and this isn’t about any of you. This is about the band, the journey you’ve been on these past ten years, and the people who’ve been supporting you along the way. That’s all.”

It’s a nice speech, but it might be more effective if Jeno had been more instrumental in their success, had played a bigger role before he left. Yeah, he was one of the original members. But he’d left before they even really started to take off. He wouldn’t have been there at all if Jaemin hadn’t been. He’s really just a footnote in the Neo story.

“Cute, Doie,” Yuta says.

“If we don’t have to make a decision right now, then can we just fucking eat?” Chenle asks. “This is ruining my lunch.”

“Do what you want,” Doyoung says in resignation.

Just like that, the atmosphere in the room shifts to something much less tense. The boys start to talk to each other in English, and it’s too fast and there’s too much of it for Jeno to be able to keep up. Once again, they’re talking like Jeno’s not even here, but at least they’re not talking about him this time. He thinks. His eyes are drawn to Jaemin, who’s eating quietly and not doing much else besides occasionally gently laughing about something said. He hadn’t said a word about Jeno coming back to the band when they were talking about it. If Jaemin wanted him to come back…if Jaemin wanted him to come back, he thinks he could do it. But his silence is telling, and somehow hurts worse than if he’d yelled.

Jeno figures he’s going to spend the rest of lunch ignored by everyone but Doyoung and Taeyong, so he’s surprised when Donghyuck switches seats with Taeyong out of nowhere. Donghyuck sits down with a grin, scooting his chair as close to Jeno as he can get.

“Hi,” he says, thankfully in Korean.

“Hey.”

“You look lonely.”

“Do I?”

“Mhm. It’s making me sad.”

Jeno looks at him carefully, trying to determine if he’s being serious. “I’m surprised you care. Last time I saw you, you didn’t seem interested in ever seeing me again.”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “That was years ago. You didn’t expect me to stay mad forever, did you?”

“I thought it was possible.”

“Oh, please. What’s one giant fuck up between friends?”

The words are nice—ish—but there’s something in his smile. Jeno wouldn’t call it insincere, but it puts Jeno on his guard. He and Donghyuck were never that close.

“Thanks?”

“Don’t mention it. I was serious, you know. About you coming on tour with us.”

Jeno wants to ask why, but something stops him. Instead, he says, “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Why? Because of them?” Donghyuck gestures to the others at the tables. “You can’t pay attention to them. So they’re mad. Big deal. They’ll get over it.”

“They haven’t yet.”

“Well…okay, you have a point there. But tell me: if you think it’s such a bad idea, why are you even here? More than six years you’ve stayed away, and everyone knows Doyoung has asked before. Why are you here now?”

Because I’ve finally lost my mind, Jeno thinks. His eyes flick towards Jaemin for a split second.

“I don’t know.”

“Well. Maybe you should figure that out.”

Goodbyes are awkward, to say the least. Nothing’s been decided, and so nobody knows how soon they’ll be seeing Jeno again, or if they’ll be seeing Jeno again at all. Jeno’s only in the US for one more night. He gets big hugs from Taeyong and Donghyuck, and Yuta claps him on the back, but everyone else keeps their distance and bids him farewell like he’s someone they’ve just met. They all go out to the parking lot together, and as Jeno watches Jaemin climb into the same car as Mark, he digs his fingernails into his palms. He wonders if he would be Mark if he hadn’t left, if the night of their third anniversary never happened. Would Mark be alone in his recording studio paradise while Jeno and Jaemin were somewhere else together? He was Jaemin’s best friend once.

As they’re driving back to Doyoung’s place, Doyoung says, “Well…at least Donghyuck’s not mad at you.”

Apparently. Jeno’s still a little wary. Maybe it’s because he and Donghyuck were never that close that Donghyuck was able to forgive him so easily, but Jeno can’t be sure. He was never able to predict Donghyuck very well. Maybe Donghyuck meant all he said. Or maybe there’s something else going on that Jeno just hasn’t figured out yet.

Donghyuck was actually the second Neo Jeno met. He was the last to join the band, but he’d been hanging around Jeno’s life for almost as long as Jaemin. They weren’t friends, not to start out with. Not even close. The first time Jeno met Donghyuck, he knocked down the tower of blocks Jaemin was building and made him cry. Jeno pushed him over. They both ended up in timeout. But Jaemin got to rebuild his block tower in peace, so Jeno thought it was worth it. It’s funny to Jeno, actually, that that first meeting he can remember while his first meeting with Jaemin he can’t.

As they got older, Donghyuck was always around, and he could never seem to get along with Jaemin, which meant that Jeno never got along with him. Before high school, Jeno never would have dreamed he’d end up in a band with him. Sometimes even after it happened, Jeno couldn’t quite wrap his head around it. But Donghyuck grew up a lot. Things changed. And now Donghyuck is the one who’s still with the Neos. Donghyuck has been by Jaemin’s side for years while Jeno’s been missing. And Donghyuck’s the only one who seems to want him back.

Chapter Text

They have a party (a pity party, to be fair) at Mark and Jaemin’s place afterwards, just the six of them. They don’t even have to discuss it, they just all automatically start heading the same way. Chenle drives Renjun’s car. He drove to the restaurant, too. Renjun thinks it’s because he was worried Renjun would just take off for Canada. That, or drive them both into a tree. It’s nice of him to be so concerned, and Renjun doesn’t really like winter driving anyway. Chenle knows that, too.

“Mark, I’m going through your liquor cabinet!” Renjun yells when he gets inside. Shotaro and Jisung are already in the living room, perusing Mark and Jaemin’s record collection to find something to play, but Renjun’s not sure where the masters of the house have disappeared to. He gets a muffled response, and he doesn’t know either what was said or where it came from, but it’s Mark. He’s not going to care.

“Tell me he has Bacardi,” Chenle says, following Renjun.

“Of course he has Bacardi,” Renjun says, “he buys it specifically for you. Here.”

Chenle takes the bottle with a “fuck, yes” and scampers off to find something to mix it with.

“Don’t let Jisung anywhere near the Cuervo,” Jaemin says, appearing in the living room from wherever the fuck he was, Mark right behind him.

“Oh my God, I’m not even that bad!” Jisung protests.

“Jisungie, you get like a drop of that shit in you and you start speaking in tongues.”

“And that’s not even mentioning the vomiting,” Shotaro says.

“Am I really that bad?” Jisung asks.

“Yes,” everyone says in unison—even Renjun as he continues to rearrange bottles. He’s not sure what he’s looking for. He’s usually a wine kind of a guy, but he doesn’t think that’s going to cut it tonight.

“Geez, okay,” Jisung says.

“You have any Jameson?” Renjun asks Mark.

“You don’t even like whiskey,” Mark says. Renjun shrugs.

“It’s okay with lemonade.”

“Yeah, there should be some in there somewhere.”

Renjun shifts a few more bottles before he spots the label he wants. He turns back to Mark. “You want anything?”

Right by Renjun’s fingers is the Jack Daniel’s, Mark’s personal favorite. Mark shakes his head.

“No, thanks. I’m good.”

Mark doesn’t look good. He looks like he could use a nap that lasts for about three days. As much as Renjun would like to, he can’t blame this on Jeno. This has been going on for a while.

“Okay,” Renjun says, grabbing the Jameson and shutting the cabinet. He goes into the kitchen and finds that Chenle has left an ice tray sitting on the counter. He’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he did it because he knew Renjun would be out here soon. Renjun can hear him out in the garage, so he sticks his head out the door.

“Get me a lemonade,” he says.

“Yes, sir,” Chenle says.

Renjun fills a glass with ice as the beginning of “Care of Cell 44” meets his ears. Odessey and Oracle. One of Shotaro’s favorites. Chenle comes back in, lemonade in one hand, coke in the other, and he sets the lemonade by Renjun’s glass.

“Okay?” he asks casually as he starts pouring Bacardi. He always uses too much Bacardi. Too much to be drinkable, in Renjun’s opinion. But he likes it.

“Just great, Lele,” Renjun says. “About to be even better.”

They go back to the living room together, taking seats by Mark, Jaemin, and Shotaro; Jisung hasn’t gotten up off the floor. He probably won’t. He has some kind of grudge against most furniture or something.

“So,” Chenle says, “who wants to start?”

There are a million things Renjun could say right now. Some he’s said before, some he hasn’t. He wants to yell and scream, because that might distract him from the fact that he also kind of wants to cry. He promised himself he wasn’t going to let Jeno get to him, and it went right out the window the second he saw Jeno’s face. It’s not fair that Jeno can do this to him, can make him feel like the wound’s still fresh. It’s been more than six years, and Renjun’s moved on.

He thought he’d moved on, anyway.

“Do you think Donghyuck actually wants Jeno to come on tour with us?” Jisung asks, and it might be for the best that he spoke first. Anything that came out of Renjun’s mouth with so little time for thought was surely going to be messy.

“Who the fuck knows?” Mark says. “I didn’t think he liked Jeno that much when Jeno was actually part of the band.”

“That’s right,” Chenle says. “They were always, like—weird.”

“They were coworkers more than friends,” Jaemin says quietly, and that’s probably a good way to describe it, as far as Renjun recalls. Jeno originally didn’t want Donghyuck to join the band. They didn’t need a new singer, Jeno said. Renjun and Chenle could handle it. Renjun was so flattered for no real reason.

“They fucking hated each other when they were kids,” Jisung says.

“Oh, God, I remember that,” Mark says. Renjun remembers it too, even though he came in in the middle. Donghyuck liked to pick fights when they were younger, and Jeno had trouble not taking the bait. Donghyuck knew how to push Jeno’s buttons, but that wasn’t hard. All anyone had to do was bother Jaemin. It was always Jaemin.

Renjun can’t believe he didn’t know.

“Maybe that’s why he wants Jeno to come on tour with us,” Renjun says, even though he knows it’s kind of a shitty thing to say. “Maybe he still fucking hates him and gets some kind of satisfaction from seeing us all be pissed at him.”

“He wouldn’t do that,” Shotaro says.

“Maybe he hates us,” Mark says.

“He doesn’t,” Shotaro insists.

“Well, he’s sure acting like it,” Renjun says.

“Who gives a fuck why Donghyuck wants Jeno to come on tour with us?” Chenle asks. “We should be asking if literally any of the rest of us want that.”

They all look sheepishly around at each other like Chenle just asked who was guilty of a crime they all committed. Renjun knows where he stands. He can’t think of anything he wants to do less than go on tour with his ex-boyfriend. No, that phrasing is unfair to some of his other ex-boyfriends. He’d go on tour with Yangyang in a heartbeat. This is a Jeno problem.

No surprise there.

“I don’t really wanna go on tour with any of you,” Jisung says.

“Jisungie once again trying to pretend he doesn’t love us,” Jaemin says teasingly.

“But I think he’s made his point,” Chenle says. “I don’t want Jeno coming along either. He made his choice when he left.”

Chenle adored Jeno. It must have hurt him so much when he left. He never talked about it, but Renjun could tell. Can tell. Renjun’s not the only one who hasn’t moved on.

“You know my vote,” Renjun says. If they don’t, they don’t know him as well as he thinks they do.

“I…wouldn’t mind having him come along,” Shotaro says, and because it’s Shotaro, Renjun can only chuckle.

“Of course you wouldn’t,” Chenle says, and his voice isn’t unkind. “When’s the last time you were actually mad at someone?”

“I was mad at Jeno.” Shotaro speaks very softly. “I didn’t like the things he said, what he did.”

Renjun missed all of that—what Jeno said, at least—but he heard about it later, after Jeno was gone and no one knew where Mark, Jaemin, and Shotaro were. What he heard from Chenle and Jisung was bad enough. He never thought it would get even worse.

“Who did?” Chenle asks. Jaemin’s looking at the ground. Mark’s looking at him.

“I don’t know if Jeno coming with us is the best idea,” Mark says. “I get that it would be nice for the longtime fans, but…you know.”

That’s all Mark says, but that’s all he needs to say. Mark’s still looking only at Jaemin, and that doesn’t bother Renjun. Mark has always had the biggest soft spot for Jaemin, and Mark was there with Jaemin in the aftermath.

“I get that, too,” Shotaro says. Renjun knows that Shotaro will go with whatever the others decide without complaint. That’s just the type of person he is.

“Jeno might not even want to come along,” Jaemin says. “He didn’t seem very enthusiastic.”

“I wouldn’t be either if I were him,” Chenle says. “Honestly, I’m shocked Doyoung even got him to fly out. I thought he’d be trying until we disbanded.”

“I can’t believe he doesn’t even have a guitar anymore,” Mark says thoughtfully. “He loved playing.”

“Who cares?” Chenle says. “If he’s been completely miserable since he left, that’s not my problem. If he wanted me to give a shit, he should’ve stuck around.”

“You’re so mean,” Renjun says with a laugh.

“Are you telling me you feel sorry for Jeno?”

Renjun rolls his eyes. “No. I’m just happy saying ‘fuck him’ and moving on.”

“Uh-huh.” Chenle looks at him doubtfully. That’s deserved, Renjun supposes.

“I feel kinda bad for Jeno,” Shotaro says. “I love being in a band with you guys. He’s missing out on that.”

“You’re too genuine for this band, Taro,” Mark says, almost whining. Shotaro smiles proudly.

“Jisung needs to start talking about how much he hates us,” Renjun says.

“Don’t get him started,” Chenle says.

“No, Jisung loves us,” Shotaro says. He looks over at Jisung fondly, and Jisung looks away.

“You guys…aren’t always awful,” he mumbles. Renjun thinks he might be blushing.

“Aw, Jisungie,” Jaemin coos. “That’s the sweetest thing you’ve said to us in years.”

Jisung grimaces. “I’m already regretting it.”

They all stick around well into the dinner hour—they’ll probably all end up staying here tonight, Renjun predicts—and Mark and Jaemin eventually wander into the kitchen to find something to feed everyone. Chenle watches them leave the living room, talking quietly to each other, then looks around at the others once they’re gone.

“So, are they, like, good now?” he asks lowly.

“I have no fucking clue,” Renjun says. “They could be, or Mark might just be on his best behavior because of Jeno.”

“Well, I hope they fucking figured it out. Whatever’s been going on between them has been giving Jisung stomach aches.”

“It’s not normal,” Jisung says sullenly. “They don’t fucking act like this.”

“Does anyone know what happened?” Shotaro asks.

“I don’t know what could have happened,” Renjun says. “They don’t fight about anything.”

“They’re not fighting,” Jisung says.

“Are you in denial or something?” Renjun asks.

“They’re not fighting,” Jisung insists.

“He’s right, they’re not,” Chenle says. “I don’t know what the hell they are doing, but they’re not fighting. They’d never be able to stay mad at each other for this long. This is something else.”

“I guess you’re right,” Renjun says.

“They’re not mad,” Jisung says, “just weird. They haven’t been weird like this since…you know, since…”

“Yeah,” Renjun says. “Since right after Jeno left.”

“It can’t be Jeno this time, can it? This started before Doyoung even brought up meeting with him.”

“Unless Doyoung brought it up to them earlier than he did to the rest of us,” Shotaro says. “But I don’t know why that would make them start acting like this.”

“It’s not Jeno,” Renjun says before finishing off his drink. This is his fourth. He doesn’t feel sick like he did earlier. That’s good. It’s also good that he ate so much at lunch, otherwise he’d be way drunker right now. “I don’t think it is, anyway. They already dealt with what he did a long time ago. This is something else.”

“Maybe they finally did something about the constant sexual tension between them,” Shotaro says, “but they never talked about it and so now they’re stuck in the weird questioning phase where neither one of them knows if they should bring it up.”

“Oh, God, don’t say that,” Chenle says. “I couldn’t bear to watch that.”

“I’m just throwing out ideas. This started around the holidays, right? Perfect time to accidentally fall into bed together.”

“I can’t listen to this. It makes too much sense. I’m hoping whatever it is is done.” Chenle stands up and picks up his empty glass. “I’ll be back.”

“I’m hoping it’s done, too,” Jisung says once Chenle’s gone. He’s pouting. And still on the floor. “I don’t wanna go on tour with them like that. Especially if Jeno’s going, too.”

“Who said Jeno was going?” Renjun asks. “I thought we all agreed no one wanted that except Donghyuck and sort of Shotaro.”

“I’m okay with anything,” Shotaro says.

“You know Doyoung’s not done talking about it,” Jisung says. “I’m not saying Jeno will be going. I’m just saying there’s already enough drama without him.”

“True,” Chenle says, back already. He has two glasses of water in his hands, and he gives one to Renjun. “Drink that.”

That’s probably a good idea. Chenle can be so unexpectedly caring sometimes. Not that he’s normally uncaring, but he and Renjun can bicker and pester each other so much like little children that every once in a while he forgets how sweet Chenle can be. It’s probably not very fair of him. Chenle was the one who called him this morning, Chenle was the one who showed up at his house.

“Does it seem weird out there?” Shotaro asks conspiratorially, nodding his head in the direction of the kitchen.

“No, it seems like Jaemin’s doing most of the work while giving Mark only the simplest tasks,” Chenle says. “Doesn’t get more normal than that.”

“Well, that’s good! That’s one problem down, hopefully.”

Hopefully. Renjun’s not too sure, unfortunately. Regardless of whatever’s been going on with Mark and Jaemin, Renjun knows something’s up with Mark. Mark never likes to complain, but Renjun knows him. He knows when something’s not right.

Mark comes back out into the living room, holding his phone out at arm’s length. “Nayeon’s calling,” he says. “She wants to know what happened today.”

“Why doesn’t she just call Doyoung?” Jisung asks.

“Because she’s the biggest gossip,” Chenle replies, “and she knows she won’t get anything juicy out of him.”

“Can someone just talk to her?” Mark asks. “I’m a little busy right now.”

“Yeah, right,” Chenle says.

“I’ll talk to her,” Renjun says, holding out his hand for Mark’s phone. Mark raises his eyebrows.

“You sure?” He’s already walking in Renjun’s direction.

“Yeah. We can all talk.” Renjun takes the phone from him and puts it to his ear. “Nayeon?”

“Renjun? Oh my God, Renjun, tell me everything.”

As Mark walks back to the kitchen, Renjun can hear Jihyo yelling in the background of the call—“Oh no, Renjun? Nayeon!”—but Nayeon doesn’t acknowledge her, at least not in any way Renjun can hear. He thinks that deep down Jihyo wants to know what happened today just as bad as Nayeon does, she’s just too polite to ask. She knew Jeno too. They both did.

“Let me put you on speaker,” he says. “Chenle, Jisung, and Taro are here too.”

Renjun hits the appropriate button, and then they can all hear Nayeon’s voice loud and clear, demanding answers. Renjun and the others take turns describing the afternoon to Nayeon. It’s easy for Renjun to talk to Nayeon about this, because she’s committed to hating Jeno on principle, so if Renjun gets mean, she won’t call him out. They all have to be careful what they say about Donghyuck, because his older sister is undoubtedly listening to everything Nayeon says, but Jeno’s fair game, and that’s who she really wants to hear about.

Renjun’s thoughts start to wander as he speaks and listens to the others. That happens on the rare occasions he talks about Jeno. Jeno might be going back to Korea, but Renjun doesn’t think they’re done with him. Doyoung isn’t going to give up easily, and Renjun can’t really fault him. Jeno’s his brother. Renjun can’t expect him to just give up on Jeno because Renjun’s hurt. More than six years and it still fucking hurts. None of his other exes can still get under Renjun’s skin like Jeno can.

The water doesn’t take the edge off his thoughts like the whiskey did, but he sips at it nonetheless. He wonders how Jaemin is doing. They don’t talk about Jeno, not the two of them, not for years. It’s better that way. Partially because Renjun doesn’t like to talk with anyone about Jeno anymore, and partially because he and Jaemin can’t talk about Jeno without something suffocating joining them in the room, something that reminds them both of everything Jaemin was and everything Renjun wasn’t. Jaemin starts tripping over his words, and Renjun starts swearing so much that even he thinks it’s a little ridiculous. Neither one of them says exactly what they want to say. So for a long time, they’ve both been perfectly content pretending they’ve never even met someone named Jeno, at least in each other’s presence. Jeno can’t, can’t, can’t come back to them. Renjun’s not prepared to figure out how to navigate him being around. It took him long enough to figure out how to navigate him being gone.

There’s pressure behind Renjun’s eyes at a moment when Nayeon’s talking, and he clenches his jaw and blinks until he can feel composure coming back to him. He is not going to cry over Lee Jeno, not after all this time. Chenle looks at him questioningly—of course Chenle notices—but Renjun just smiles and shakes his head. He’s fine. Jeno doesn’t matter to him anymore. And if he’s lucky, soon enough he’ll be able to put Jeno behind him once and for all.

Mark Lee’s mother made cookies the first time Renjun went to his house. She was a very kind lady, and she made Renjun feel better about the fact that he’d never actually met Mark. He’d been invited by Na Jaemin, who he really didn’t know that well, but he’d been in Korea for two months and he was starving for friends. Jaemin was nice, nice enough to invite him to hang out with some of his other friends, and Renjun couldn’t turn him down, no matter how afraid he was that all of them would hate him.

There were four of them, including Jaemin. Jaemin, Mark, Park Jisung, and Lee Jeno. Jaemin and Jeno were Renjun’s age, Mark older, Jisung younger. Renjun had seen Jeno around before at school but he’d never spoken to him. Honestly, he was a little intimidated by him. He was always pretty quiet, and he hovered around Jaemin all the time like some kind of bodyguard. It made Renjun nervous. But Jaemin was nice, and Mark was inviting, and Jisung was very shy, and they were easy to get along with. They played instruments, all of them, even little Jisung who was barely ten years old at that point. It was a good icebreaker, because Renjun had been playing the piano since he was five. Jaemin played the piano too, but he was learning to play different types of drums. He wanted a drum set, but he didn’t know where he’d put it.

“And you’d drive your parents crazy if you had one,” Jeno said with a laugh. Renjun had never seen him smile before. It was a shame, Renjun thought. He had a nice smile. It was kind of cute.

“I’d probably drive poor Jisungie crazy too,” Jaemin said, ruffling Jisung’s hair. Jisung made a face and pushed his hand away. Clearly for Renjun’s benefit, Jaemin added, “Jisung’s my neighbor.”

“You drive me crazy already, hyung,” Jisung said, bringing a hand up to his head to straighten out the damage Jaemin had done.

“Jaemin’s a really good drummer, though,” Mark said.

“Thanks, hyung,” Jaemin said, suddenly shy.

“Mark hyung wants to play in a band someday,” Jeno said to Renjun. “He wants to be rich and famous.”

“I just wanna play,” Mark said. “That’s all. And I’d rather play with my friends than a bunch of people I don’t know. You could play too, Renjun. If Jaemin’s our drummer, we don’t have a keyboardist.”

“You just met me,” Renjun said. “Don’t I count more as someone you don’t know than as a friend?”

Mark shrugged. “I’m not even out of middle school. By the time I’m actually good enough to play professionally, you could be a friend.”

Renjun was touched. For two months he’d struggled to connect with just about anyone that he’d met, and now here Mark Lee was, saying they could be friends like it was no big deal. It now felt silly that he’d been so worried about coming over.

“I’ve gotta get a drum set before I can be anyone’s drummer,” Jaemin said with a pout.

“What are you worried about?” Jeno asked. “Mark hyung’s not even out of middle school yet, he just said that.”

“It’s not fair. You have a guitar. Renjun probably has a piano.”

“Technically it’s my mom’s,” Renjun said, and Jeno smiled again, but this time he was looking directly at Renjun—as much as he could, anyway, because his eyes had turned into little horizontal crescents. Renjun was right before, his smile was so cute, and having it directed at him made Renjun’s cheeks heat up. He wasn’t scary at all, not once you started to talk to him. He was adorable.

Later, Renjun would tell his parents all about the day he had and the new friends he made, and they would breathe a simultaneous sigh of relief because they knew the move had been hard on him—of course it had been hard on him. They’d relocated to a completely different country. But things were changing now, Renjun was finally finding his footing.

Over the next weeks and months, Renjun didn’t just hang out with Jeno, Jaemin, Mark, and Jisung. He made other friends, too, through his classes and other activities, but he did see the four of them a fair amount, Jeno and Jaemin especially because they were the same age as him. Renjun liked seeing Jeno a little more than he liked seeing the rest of them, but in those early days he didn’t think about it too much. He just thought Jeno was nice and fun to be around. Renjun didn’t consider he had a crush on Jeno—not then, not yet—because Jeno was a boy, and Renjun hadn’t really figured himself out yet. Those days were still coming. There was a lot that was still coming, a lot of things that Renjun now wishes he could warn his younger self about. He didn’t know, could never have predicted, how Jeno would hurt him. Jeno, sweet Jeno with the pretty smile. Maybe Renjun should have been more discerning. Maybe he should’ve paid a little more attention. Maybe Renjun saw what he wanted to see. It’s too late to change anything now. He wishes he could say it made him stronger or some bullshit like that. Really it’s just left him scarred. He still has problems trusting people. It’s still hard sometimes to perform songs from the first three years of their career. It’s still uncomfortable around Jaemin every once in a while, and that’s the worst of all of it. Sometimes just looking at Jaemin will make Renjun remember everything, and that’s not fair to him, but Renjun can’t help it. And of course there’s still Doyoung. There will always be Doyoung.

Renjun was young and naïve once, and he dreamed a lot of dreams that would never come true. He considers himself lucky, because at least there’s still the band, even if they’re one member short. At least the rest of them are still together. But there’s no room for Jeno anymore. Renjun can’t open that door. He doesn’t know what else besides Jeno might walk through it.

Chapter Text

Jeno gets lunch with Yeeun once he’s back in Korea. She doesn’t wear anything Neo-related, and he’s grateful for that, but he knows she’s curious about what happened. It all seems a bit pointless now that he’s back home—he went all that way and most of them hardly even talked to him directly. At least he didn’t have to pay for anything. He doesn’t know what he was expecting. He knew they weren’t going to be thrilled to see him. It could’ve been worse. It could’ve been a lot worse.

“So I take it reunion plans aren’t underway,” Yeeun finally says. Jeno didn’t really think she’d make it all the way through lunch without bringing it up, but it would’ve been nice. But she’s his friend, and this is what friends do. They talk about this kind of stuff. She doesn’t know how hard this is for him.

Jeno shakes his head. “Nothing’s…final, I guess, but I don’t see it happening.”

“Do you not want to, or them?”

Jeno almost lies right to her face. It would be so easy to say they want him to come back, but he’s just not interested anymore. He left originally because he didn’t like the creative direction the band was taking, and it’s still true today. He doesn’t have any interest in playing with them anymore. He just flew out to the US to see them and catch up. This is all about him, and what he doesn’t want to do anymore. He doesn’t know if she’d believe him, but he does know she’d accept the answer and wouldn’t pry any further. But Jeno is so sick of feeling shitty, so sick of feeling like the worst friend, worst person alive. His conscience is always guilty, and sometimes it seems like all he ever does is make it worse.

“Both, maybe,” he says. “I don’t really know what I want. I mean, I have a different life now, a job that I can’t just leave—”

Yeeun laughs. “Yes, you could. If you just explained your situation to Junmyeon oppa, I’m sure he’d understand and work with you. As far as bosses go, he’s one of the best I’ve had. And I doubt the Neos are expecting you to do anything with them for free.”

“I don’t think most of them want me to do anything with them at all. I think they’re fine not having me with them anymore.”

“Creative differences?” Yeeun smiles wryly. Jeno looks at her, mirroring her smile, and she nods. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“There’s not much to talk about.” It’s another lie. It’s like he just can’t help himself. “We had a party for our third anniversary, I got pretty drunk and said some things I shouldn’t have, and I left.”

He wonders how the boys would react to his description of the events of that night. It’s not inaccurate, but there are a lot of holes. Doesn’t really do the whole thing justice.

“And they’re still mad after all these years? What the hell did you say?”

She asks it in a way that makes him feel like he doesn’t have to answer if he doesn’t want to, and he can’t. He can’t go there. The full story would take hours to tell. He couldn’t start with that night, he’d have to go back, back to Mark’s birthday, or to when he started dating Renjun, or to all the times in high school when he was looking for just a little more courage, or…or all the way back to the beginning. All the way back to Jaemin, to Donghyuck, to Jisung, to Mark, to Renjun, to Chenle, to Shotaro, to nothing and no one at all. To Jeno, alone. They don’t have time for that. Jeno doesn’t know how to talk about any of it anyway.

“I made Jaemin cry.”

“Oh.” She’s surprised, but not judgmental.

“It was a very low point in my life.”

“So you leaving. Was that your choice, or theirs?”

Jeno didn’t have a choice. He couldn’t have stayed, not after those awful things he said to Jaemin, not when he didn’t have an explanation for himself. What could he have said when they asked why he did it? What could he have done to make amends?

“It would have been theirs if it hadn’t been mine first.”

Yeeun hums. “So how did seeing all of them go, then?”

Jeno shrugs. “Not as bad as it could’ve?”

“That’s a lot different from good.”

“I didn’t really talk that much to any of them. Except Donghyuck.”

He talked a lot to Donghyuck, maybe because no one wanted to talk to Donghyuck either. Jeno asked Doyoung after lunch what was going on with him and the others, but Doyoung refused to give him a straight answer. Whatever it was didn’t seem to bother Donghyuck that much, and maybe that’s why talking to him made Jeno feel so uneasy.

“Was he upset?”

“No…no, he was the only one who actually seemed happy to see me.”

Shotaro did too, sort of. Not like Donghyuck. Jeno’s not sure what that means. Maybe he should give Donghyuck the benefit of the doubt, but he doesn’t know if Donghyuck was ever that happy to see him while he was still part of the band.

“He was also the only one who actually said he’d like me to go on tour with them,” Jeno finishes.

“That’s better than no one.”

One person isn’t going to get him into the tour, though, if that’s what he really wants. He doesn’t know.

“I guess so.”

It’s selfish, but Jeno wishes that if he could only have one of them on his side, he could have Jaemin. Jaemin’s the one he thinks about the most.

Do you miss me too, Nana?

He and Yeeun both work that night, and when he gets home, it’s a little past three in the morning. He’s fully prepared to kick back with a beer or two and channel surf until all this residual adrenaline leaves him, but when he looks at his phone—for the first time in a few hours—he sees he has unread messages from a number he doesn’t recognize. They came just after midnight.

Unknown Number

Hey dude, this is Mark

I got your number from Doyoung

For a moment Jeno tries to think if he knows anyone else named Mark, but that’s stupid. Of course he doesn’t, and even if he did, there’s only one Mark who would’ve gotten Jeno’s phone number from Doyoung. It’s that Mark, Mark Lee, lead guitarist for the Neos, and one of Jeno’s ex-best friends. Jeno thinks about leaving them until morning to deal with then, because Mark’s probably asleep by now anyway—and then it hits him. It’s like noon over there or something. Yesterday. He thinks. He texts back a simple “Hey, Mark” before he can overthink it, saves Mark’s number to his contacts, and then sets his phone on the arm of his couch and pretends he doesn’t care when or if Mark gets back to him. It’s been three hours since the original messages, Mark could be busy by now. Jeno’s not a teenager with a crush, he’s not going to sit and watch his phone screen, waiting for a message to come.

That thought does bring back memories, though. And he does unlock his phone embarrassingly fast when he gets a new message about ten minutes later.

Mark

Is it okay if I call?

Mark wants to call? Jeno starts imagining worst case scenarios: someone’s in the hospital, has died, Doyoung finally cracked from the stress and started murdering people, they’re suing Jeno for every penny he has for reasons he can’t think of but is sure are very legitimate. He pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes for a moment. If there really is an emergency—or he really is being sued—he’s not going to know until Mark calls. With that in mind, he tells Mark it’s fine. His phone starts ringing a couple minutes later.

“Hello?”

“Jeno?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Hey, Jeno. Thanks for letting me call. It must be past three in the morning out there, right?” Mark’s voice is scratchy and rough, and a little hard to hear. It makes Jeno frown.

“Yeah, it is. You sound like shit, dude, are you sick?”

Mark didn’t appear sick when Jeno saw him, but it’s been a few days since then.

“I…don’t know.”

“You don’t know? What the fuck do you mean, you ‘don’t know’?”

“You sound just like your brother, do you know that? I don’t know. I feel okay, I guess. Maybe I’m just losing my voice.”

Jeno has to roll his eyes. Typical Mark.

“If you say so.”

“I do.”

They both fall quiet, and it’s really fucking uncomfortable. Jeno wants to ask if he’s at home, if Jaemin’s there too, but he knows Mark would see through him, would know that he’s not just asking to make conversation, and he doesn’t think Mark would like that. Jeno can’t say he’d blame him.

“Anyway, uh” –Mark clears his throat— “what—what are you up to?”

“Right now?”

“No, in—in general. I think Doyoung said once you were working in a club or something?”

“Yeah. I’m the resident DJ.”

“Oh, that’s—that’s cool.”

Jeno knows Mark’s awkward small talk, and this is it. Mark did not call him now, after over six years and one very recent and not particularly friendly meeting, just to make awkward small talk.

“Why did you call, Mark?”

Mark’s sigh crackles over the line. “Good fucking question. Doyoung and Taeyong are really going to bat for you, you know. Taeyong especially.”

“Is it bothering you? Just tell them you don’t want me to come on tour, end of story.”

“Dude, you…” Mark doesn’t finish.

“I?”

“Never mind. You really don’t play anymore?”

“Sold my guitar a few months after I left the band.” Right around the time the breakthrough album was released. Certainly that was just a coincidence.

“You did?”

“Yeah. I was gonna get rid of it even before I left, remember? And get a better one? I just…didn’t get a better one.”

Mark should know, he was in the exact same position, trying to make great music on a guitar that was cheap and average. A guitar he could afford. None of the band members came from a lot of money.

But Mark got the Les Paul. Jeno got nothing.

“You ever thought about getting a new one?”

“Why? So it can sit around in my apartment all day and all night? You said it. I don’t play anymore. Haven’t in years.”

“You were really good, Jeno.”

“Not as good as you.”

It’s true. Mark started playing earlier than Jeno did, and he just had a natural talent for it. Jeno was good, but he had to put in twice the work that Mark did. It came so easily to Mark, like he was born to play. It wasn’t like that for Jeno.

“That doesn’t mean you weren’t good.”

“I’m probably not very good now.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“Believe what you want.”

It’s quiet for a few seconds again. So quiet that Jeno starts to think they got disconnected or Mark hung up, but then Mark says, “So is that it, then?”

“What do you mean?”

“If you don’t play, you’re not gonna come on tour with us. So is that your answer?”

“I…I didn’t think it was my answer that mattered.”

“Does it matter what any of us say if you don’t even wanna pick up a guitar anymore? Suppose we said you could come along, what would you do? Backing vocals?”

“It would probably sound better than my guitar playing.” Jeno tries to laugh, but Mark doesn’t.

“So that’s it, then.”

Is it? Mark’s right. He can’t go if he won’t play. That could be the end of this, right now. Is that what Jeno wants?

Jaemin’s face pops into his head, Jaemin before that night. Jaemin, his best friend, whose smile was so warm and whose touch was so gentle. Jaemin, who Jeno’s spent so long so far away from. Jaemin, who spends his nights under the same roof as fucking Mark Lee while Jeno’s all alone. Jaemin, who still means the world to him even after all this time.

“I don’t know if I could afford a very good guitar right now,” Jeno says. “Not as good as you and Shotaro play.”

“Dude, don’t worry about that. I’ve got plenty I could loan you.”

Jeno already knows which one is off-limits.

“You’d be willing to do that?”

“If you came on tour with us, yeah.”

“Is that an offer?”

“Not yet. Just…something for you to keep in mind. But you would play if we said you could come?”

“I’d have to.”

“Damn right you would.”

“Is that why you called? To ask me that?”

“I figured I’d give Doyoung a break.”

Mark sounds like he could use a break, too. But Mark never stopped when they were younger. Jeno doesn’t think he knew how.

“Ah.”

“And I…I know where the others are, regarding the tour. I wanted to know where you were.”

Mark, always so considerate. Impossible to hate. Jeno would know. He’s tried.

“I don’t know, Mark. I don’t wanna cause any problems.”

“It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?” There’s nothing harsh or mean about the way Mark says it. He sounds resigned more than anything.

“Alright, I don’t wanna cause any more problems.”

“We’re supposed to talk more about it as a group soon. I…I guess I’ll talk to you again after that? Or Doyoung will. Someone will.”

“Works for me.”

“So, um. Bye?”

“Goodbye, Mark.”

“Oh, hang on. Jeno?”

“Yeah?”

There’s another long pause. “I’m sorry I punched you. That was shitty.”

No shittier than anything Jeno did that night. Of course Mark’s apologizing for something Jeno probably deserved. Something Jeno definitely deserved. Jeno would’ve punched himself too, if he had been in Mark’s place.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry…”

What isn’t Jeno sorry for?

“Yeah, uh, maybe I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.”

Jeno sees Jaemin again, but he’s in tears this time, he’s pleading. And Jeno…Jeno’s not listening.

“Is he there?”

“No.” Mark’s voice is more guarded than it’s been this entire phone call. “He went to the store to get cough drops.”

“So you are sick.”

“I told him I didn’t need any.”

Same old Jaemin with his big, big heart.

“Anyway, I’ll talk to you later, Jeno.”

Jeno wonders if he will. He says goodbye again and then he hangs up. That adrenaline’s gone but he knows he’ll never be able to sleep now. Not for a while. Not until Jaemin’s tear-filled eyes leave his mind.

He pulls up Naver and types “Lee-Na” into the search. He gets all the results he expects about the famous songwriting duo, Mark Lee and Jaemin Na, the 21^st century Lennon and McCartney. Jeno can’t imagine either of them would be happy with that comparison. They’re far too modest. Not that that’s going to stop the internet and the press. Mark and Jaemin haven’t written every song the Neos have released, but they’ve written—or at least have helped write—a majority of them. Any song either one of them works on is credited to both of them, even if only one of them plays a part in writing it, though it’s rare for them—nowadays—to work completely solo. It wasn’t like this before Jeno left. Jaemin wanted to write, but he was too self-conscious, too worried what he came up with wouldn’t be any good. He only helped on one or two songs each album. Mark wrote most of their songs himself, and Jeno collaborated with him more than any of the others, which still wasn’t a lot. The Lee-Na partnership didn’t start until after Jeno was gone, and pretty soon after Jeno was gone, because there’s not a song on that breakthrough album—their fourth—credited to Mark that’s not credited to Jaemin too, even the stuff they’d already started recording that Jeno knows Mark wrote by himself. It’s been that way ever since. Mark knew Jaemin wanted to write. Somehow he must’ve convinced him he was good enough to do it. And now they’re being compared to the greats. And in Jeno’s opinion, they deserve it. He’s listened to all the subsequent albums. He loves them all, but it’s a bittersweet kind of love. A painful kind of love.

Maybe it’s silly Jeno didn’t figure they were living together. That’s a lot of work that can get done around-the-clock.

He locks his phone before he starts going through pictures. He knows that’s a bad idea. There are countless pictures of Mark and Jaemin to be found on the internet. He knows, because he’s seen plenty of them. There’s some almost masochistic compulsion that pulls him to look from time to time. Maybe he likes to see what he’s missing out on. What he could never be.

Maybe he should just fucking go to bed and stare at the ceiling until he actually falls asleep. It’s not like that’s something he’s never done before.

It’s hard to get Jaemin out of his mind as he lies under his sheets, but it’s been hard to get Jaemin out of his mind since high school. It’s even harder these days, with that last image Jeno has of him, a perfect final page to a most unfortunate love story. If you can even call it that. Even when sleep finally comes to him, Jaemin’s still there, standing in the backyard of Yuta’s old place in Seoul. Though he stands so close Jeno could reach out and touch him, nothing Jeno does seems to get his attention.

A feeling he’s familiar with.

Jeno wakes up again before the sun has even started to rise with an ache in his chest that’s old. Goes back years. And there’s a really terrifying thought in his brain that says maybe the only way to make any of this stop is to go back to the band, at least for a little while. Long enough for closure.

But the ball’s in the Neos’ court.

Mark calls again a few nights later. He still sounds like crap, and he rambles a lot about stuff that Jeno can’t see the importance of, but Jeno opts to just let him go. He’s fairly sure he’ll come to the point sooner or later. Once again, he knows Mark didn’t call him just to talk. Finally, Mark slows down and Jeno waits until he takes a deep breath that Jeno can hear.

“Does anyone even know you were part of a band once, Jeno?”

“Isn’t that why Doyoung wants me to come on tour? For the fans who still remember me?”

“I’m not talking about the fans. I mean…people you know now. Your friends, acquaintances. Do you talk about the Neos at all?”

“One of my coworkers knows. She’s a fan.”

“But if she wasn’t a fan, would you have told her?”

Jeno takes time to think even though he already knows the answer. “No.”

“And you don’t talk about it to anyone else.” Mark’s not asking. Jeno sighs. “If you talk about it, then people will ask why you left.”

There’s more to it than that, but that’s a great place to start.

“Mark…”

“You don’t play anymore, you don’t even own a guitar. You…you were so good. And the people you know now don’t have a clue.”

“Does it matter?”

“Jesus, you make things difficult. I…fuck, what the hell am I doing? What the hell am I doing?” Mark sounds like he’s talking to himself.

“I have no idea, Mark.”

“Yeah, welcome to the club. Oh, fuck…please don’t make me regret fucking saying this. I think you should come on tour with us.”

Jeno falters. “You want me to come on tour with you?”

“No. But you should.”

Jeno appreciates the honesty, if nothing else. “Why?”

“Because you’re an incredible guitar player and you’re not doing anything with it. And as pissed as I…still kinda am at you, you were there when we started, you were part of the band. There are still fans that ask about you. Doyoung’s right. It would be nice for them. It would be nice for Doyoung. And I think it would be good for you, too. But what the fuck do I know, right? Maybe I’ve got it all wrong.”

“And what about you and the other members?”

There’s a long pause, but Jeno can still hear Mark, making subtle noises of frustration like he’s trying to come up with the right words but nothing satisfies him. “Look, dude, I’m gonna be honest with you. Most are them are still pretty fucking mad at you. I guess Donghyuck’s not, and Shotaro’s…Shotaro, but you know Renjun is, and Chenle. And Jisung…well, Jisung’s just stressed out in general.”

It figures that Mark would avoid talking about the one Jeno wants to hear about the most. Quietly, like the name alone might trigger some horrible disaster, Jeno asks, “Jaemin?”

“Jaemin doesn’t like to complain.”

No. Jaemin never did. Jeno can imagine it perfectly, that even after what Jeno did, Jaemin probably struggles to say anything bad about him, regardless of how he truly feels. Not to just anyone. Jeno thinks Mark’s told him half of the truth. Jaemin doesn’t like to complain, but he probably has to Mark. He’s probably done a lot worse than complain. Mark would’ve been the one Jaemin would’ve turned to after Jeno was gone.

Well. Unless.

But who is Jeno kidding? They live together.

“Just because he doesn’t like to complain, doesn’t mean he likes me.”

“Yeah, well, can you blame him?”

Mark’s not as gentle as Doyoung usually is. But Jeno shouldn’t expect him to be. Not about this. Not about Jaemin. There’s a very ugly voice in Jeno’s head that certainly doesn’t belong to any of the Neos that’s saying things that don’t need repeating. He can’t go down this fucking road again.

“Not really. But that’s four of the seven of you, Mark. And I know you’re mad at me too, you just said so. You’re never gonna get everyone onboard with this.”

“I don’t know, I can be persuasive.”

And the thing is, Jeno knows he can. He’s experienced it himself. The whole reason Jeno ever even picked up a guitar is because Mark convinced him to. Mark, their eldest, their leader, their driving force. They would’ve been nothing without him. Mark’s been guiding them all from the beginning. Jeno thinks that if anyone can get the others to agree to let Jeno tour with them, it’ll be Mark. He just doesn’t quite see why Mark would want to.

“You really wanna do this?”

“Jeno, as long as your brother’s our manager, you’re gonna be tied to this band, whether you or any of us like it or not. And I don’t think anyone has any interest in firing Doyoung, so…you know. I’m not saying I want you playing on the next album or rejoining the group officially. But you could come on tour. Be our featured guest. We’d all survive.”

Actually, Jeno’s not sure Renjun and/or Chenle wouldn’t kill him.

“How much would you want me to play? I’ve heard the stuff you’ve released since I left, but you know I’ve never played any of it.”

“We could start small. We still perform songs from our first albums, you could do those. Do what you remember. We’re not exactly lacking in guitars.”

Jeno snorts. They’re not, and that was one good thing about his departure. They weren’t scrambling around looking for a replacement. Mark and Shotaro were his replacements. They just absorbed all his parts and took on all his duties, like Jeno was never even there.

“If you learned some of the new stuff,” Mark continues, “maybe you could play on that later, too. There really aren’t any rules.”

Jeno hears another voice coming from Mark’s side of the call. It’s too soft and distant to be sure, but there’s a high possibility it’s Jaemin.

“Shit, I gotta go,” Mark says. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Yeah.” That’s all Jeno has a chance to say before Mark’s gone, leaving Jeno to wonder what he’s getting himself into.

Jeno doesn’t want to say his whole life changed, but something definitely shifted the first time he met Mark. Jaemin met Mark first, actually. Jaemin’s parents and Mark’s parents all met in college, and they’d stayed friends even after Mark’s mom took a job in Canada, causing Mark’s parents to relocate. That’s where Mark was born. Then when Mark was eleven, they moved back to Korea, to the same town where their old college friends were. And their old college friends’ own son, just one year younger than Mark, almost exactly. Jeno wasn’t there for that meeting, when the friends introduced their children to each other for the first time. He knows it went well, because he can still remember clearly the first time Jaemin talked about Mark. He was so excited, and wanted Jeno to meet him so badly. The light in Jaemin’s eyes when he talked about Mark made Jeno uneasy in a way he didn’t fully understand yet. He would.

He met Mark a few days later, and he could almost see why Jaemin was so excited. He did like Mark, despite lingering misgivings, because Mark was so nice and he was older and he played the guitar. Jeno didn’t know anyone else around their age who played the guitar. Jeno barely knew any adults who played the guitar. Mark was still average at best at that age, but Jeno didn’t know enough to know that, and neither did Jaemin. Oh, how Jaemin adored Mark right away. And Mark was so fond of Jaemin so fast, too. It was like they’d been friends for years.

It was like they’d been friends for as long as Jeno and Jaemin had. And though Jeno liked Mark, he really did, every once in a while he’d feel something harsh take hold of him, because Jaemin was his friend first. He and Jaemin were best friends, and Mark couldn’t touch that. No matter how fond of Jaemin Mark was, he’d never be to Jaemin what Jeno was. Jaemin liked Jeno so much better. Jeno was sure of it.

Mark brought music into Jeno’s life. With it, he brought the feeling of a complete loss of control. The former came right away, but the latter took time and needed fuel before it showed itself. And Jeno was so young, so stupid, and he didn’t even realize he was dumping gasoline on everyone and everything he knew. By the time a match was struck, it was far too late.

Chapter Text

Jeno doesn’t hear from any of the Neos or their manager for a few days, but eventually Doyoung has to call for their weekly chat—he never misses if he can help it. The Neos want to talk again. Or maybe “want” is too strong of a word. The Neos are willing to talk again. Yeeun was right, and Junmyeon was very understanding when Jeno told him there was a possibility he would be touring with the band he used to play with (Junmyeon, though not a fan, had limited knowledge of the Neos and, after a quick search to be sure Jeno was serious, his exact words were “I will murder you if you turn down touring with them just because you feel obligated to stay here”), so Jeno’s not that bothered when Doyoung asks if he can fly out again. He’s even less bothered when Doyoung offers to pay. Again. Jeno’s not so bad off that he couldn’t afford to pay for his own ticket, but he thinks it makes Doyoung feel better somehow to do it. Or maybe he just thinks Jeno won’t come if he’s not paying. It takes a couple days and a couple more phone calls to settle on a date, and Jeno honestly doesn’t even realize the significance until after he’s off the phone with Doyoung and he gets a few new messages from another number he doesn’t recognize.

Unknown Number

You remember Jisung’s birthday is the fifth, right?

Fucking be there

There’s a final message with an address, which Jeno assumes is someone’s house. Right. They decided to meet on February 6. Jeno did remember Jisung’s birthday was on the fifth. He just wasn’t really thinking about it.

Fuck, Jisung’s birthday is on the fifth. Presumably they’re having a party for him and whoever this is wants Jeno to be there. Jeno cannot make a bad impression at the baby’s birthday. He’ll be murdered seven times over, once by every member but Jisung himself, and then by Jaemin one more time. After responding to the text asking who the owner of the number is, Jeno immediately calls Doyoung again.

“Jeno? This is—”

“What do I get Jisung for his birthday?”

“Um, hi.”

“Hi, Doyoung. What do I get Jisung for his birthday?”

“You’re worried about this? You haven’t even gotten me a birthday present in like five years.”

“Well, I’m gonna be seeing you very close to your birthday this year. What do you want?”

“I want you to buy me dinner sometime. I never get free meals.”

“Done. Now what do I get Jisung for his birthday? Someone just texted me with an address and told me to be there, I don’t wanna show up empty-handed.”

“That’s probably Mark and Jaemin’s house, they’re having a party for him there. I didn’t think you’d be invited.”

“Thanks, Doie, I appreciate that.”

“Sorry.” Doyoung does sound genuinely apologetic. “That came out a little harsh. I just know things are still…tense. But, hey, they can’t be that mad if they’re gonna let you come to Jisung’s birthday party.”

Jeno’s not convinced this isn’t a test of some kind, one he really doesn’t want to fail.

“What do I get him?” Jeno would be embarrassed about how desperate he sounds if he wasn’t so, well, desperate. “I hardly know him anymore, what does he want?”

“Jeno, don’t overthink this. Just get him something he needs. It’s just gonna be weird if you show up with something overly sentimental.”

“But what does he need?”

“Seriously? Have you forgotten everything about him?”

Jeno mentally goes over everything he still knows about Jisung. He’s still the youngest but the tallest, he’s still a little awkward and shy, he still plays the bass—

“Strings!” Jeno’s maybe a little unnecessarily proud of himself for coming up with that.

“There. That would be perfect.”

“Okay, I can manage that.”

“Good for you. You need anything else?”

“No. Thank you, Doie.”

“Sure. I love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

The unknown number never texts Jeno back to tell him who they are. If he had to guess, he’d say it was Renjun or Chenle. It doesn’t really matter. He didn’t think they were going to want to hold a conversation with him, regardless of who they were.

Yeeun drives him to the airport again when the day comes. She wishes him good luck before she leaves, and Jeno thinks he sees something sympathetic in her eyes. He doesn’t feel like he deserves it, but he appreciates it. Doyoung comes to get him at O’Hare again, but this time, instead of Taeyong, he’s brought Donghyuck with him. (“He volunteered,” Doyoung says with a shrug.) Donghyuck takes a seat in the back with Jeno just like Taeyong did, grinning at him in a way that almost seems threatening. Jeno’s trying to be nice, trying not to be too suspicious, but Donghyuck is making it very hard.

“So. You really wanted to spend eight hours in a car?” Jeno asks once Doyoung starts driving, because Donghyuck is staring at him and Jeno doesn’t know how to deal with it.

“No,” Donghyuck says easily. Jeno thinks he’s going to say more, but he doesn’t.

“Why are you here, then?”

“Do I need a reason to come along to pick up my favorite former band mate from the airport?”

“I was not your favorite band mate.”

“I didn’t say you were. I said you’re my favorite former band mate. And there’s only one of you.”

“I…guess that makes sense.” Jeno never really thought he’d see the day when he was classified as Donghyuck’s favorite anything, no matter if he was the only option or not.

“You’re so distrustful. Is it so hard to believe that maybe I just wanted to come along to see you?”

Jeno tries hard to analyze what the best answer to that question would be before he realizes he just doesn’t know Donghyuck well enough to know. He didn’t even before he left the band. He stays quiet, and Donghyuck laughs.

“I guess it is,” Donghyuck says. “You haven’t changed a bit, have you, Jeno?”

Another question Jeno doesn’t know how to answer. He’s not sure what Donghyuck means; he feels like he’s changed a lot.

“You were gonna see me eventually anyway.”

Donghyuck shrugs. “I wanted to see you sooner. Without all the others around.”

“Why?”

“Why do you have such a problem with me?” His tone is very casual, like he’s asking about something that’s ultimately unimportant, but he’s watching Jeno closely. He doesn’t look hurt or upset, but there is some emotion there that Jeno can’t name. It’s almost like…satisfaction. Jeno must be mistaken.

“I don’t have a problem with you.”

Donghyuck smiles. “You’ve always had a problem with me, Jeno. Your services as loyal guard dog are no longer needed, you know that, right? He has Mark for that now.”

Jeno could play dumb and ask who “he” is, but there’s no point to it. Donghyuck knows he knows. He’ll only look silly if he acts clueless. A little pathetic, even.

“So this is how the trip home is gonna be, huh?” Doyoung says, abruptly reminding Jeno that there’s someone driving this car.

“No, no, I’ll play nice, Doie, I promise,” Donghyuck says. “I’m not even mad. I’m happy Jeno’s here.”

Jeno thinks he’s telling the truth. It’s the reasons behind it that Jeno’s not as clear on.

“Uh-huh,” Doyoung says, and he sounds uncertain too.

“Honestly, you’re both so suspicious,” Donghyuck says. “It must run in the family. I’ll be good, Doie.”

Doyoung doesn’t reply, and Donghyuck looks at Jeno again, still smiling, like someone just told a joke only he knows the punchline to. Jeno tries to smile back, but he’s not sure how it ends up looking. Donghyuck puts a hand on Jeno’s arm.

“You know,” he says, “we didn’t talk much at the lunch meeting about what you’ve been up to. How are things back in Korea, Jeno?”

As it turns out, Donghyuck has enough questions to last them four hours. Jeno hasn’t talked this much about himself to anyone in years. Donghyuck is true to his word and doesn’t say anything about Jeno’s nonexistent relationships with the other band members, or anything else about the way Jeno left. There’s no trace of the person he was on that night all those years ago, none of the anger, none of the disgust. Maybe he really has gotten over it. Jeno’s not the same person he was on that night, either. He hasn’t been since he sobered up the next day and the full weight of his actions hit him right in the face. Jeno can’t help but feel nostalgic talking to Donghyuck. It feels like one of the long van trips they used to go on to get from concert venue to concert venue, and every so often Jeno would end up next to Donghyuck by chance. Jeno hated those long drives so much. Now he misses them with as much intensity.

Jeno doesn’t even realize they’ve reached their destination until Doyoung’s pulling into someone’s driveway, but he’s only been in the area once. This must be Donghyuck’s place, because it’s not Doyoung’s.

“Thanks for coming along, Donghyuck,” Doyoung says.

“Anything for a friend,” Donghyuck says, smiling at Jeno so Jeno’s not sure if he’s talking about him or Doyoung. Maybe both of them. “I hear you were invited to Jisungie’s birthday party.”

That was certainly directed to Jeno. “Yeah.”

“How exciting. I almost wasn’t invited.”

“That’s not true, Hyuck,” Doyoung says with a sigh. He mumbles something else that Jeno doesn’t catch, and he doesn’t know if Donghyuck does either.

“Whatever,” Donghyuck says. “See you tomorrow, Jeno. Mark and Jaemin’s house.”

Maybe Jeno’s imagining things, but he’s pretty sure Donghyuck winks at him. He chooses not to analyze it. Not now. Not with Donghyuck.

“See you,” Jeno says, and Donghyuck gets out. He waves at them from his front door, and once he’s inside, Doyoung turns around to look at Jeno.

“You coming up here?”

“No.” Jeno looks out the window. “Not far, right?”

“Yeah.” Doyoung starts to back out of Donghyuck’s driveway. “You okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

Doyoung only makes a short humming noise in response. It was a dodge and not an actual answer, but “okay” is a relative term. Jeno’s no better or worse than he usually is, he thinks. Maybe a little more nervous, that’s all. He doesn’t really feel more prepared to see his former band mates again than he did the last time he was here. Unsurprising. But hopefully Jisung’s birthday party will be a buffer. He can’t see anyone wanting to ruin Jisung’s night by causing a scene. Their scheduled meeting for the next day is another story.

It’s another long night for Jeno in Doyoung’s guest room. He’ll blame it on having to sleep away from home.

The location of Mark and Jaemin’s house takes seclusion to a new level. This whole area is already isolated, but their place is deep in the trees, accessible only by a winding gravel road. It would be very possible—perhaps even likely—to drive right past without ever knowing anyone lives out here. Jeno figures that’s the whole point. There are already a bunch of cars parked along the road when Doyoung and Jeno get there, which tells Jeno that it’s not just the other Neos who are here. Doyoung gives him an encouraging smile before they get out, but it does nothing to combat Jeno’s apprehension. Mark and Jaemin’s house is certainly bigger than Doyoung’s or Taeyong’s or Donghyuck’s, and Jeno feels like it’s looming over him threateningly. He stays behind Doyoung all the way to the front door, like he needs Doyoung to protect him from a literal house. The front door’s unlocked and Doyoung lets himself in. Jeno takes a single deep breath before he follows.

Someone’s yelling Doyoung’s name before Jeno’s all the way inside, over the sounds of “Barracuda” by Heart. The first person Jeno sees is Yuta, and he pats Doyoung’s shoulder and gives Jeno a crooked smile as he passes by. Jeno gets a better look at the living room in front of him once Yuta’s gone and sees Donghyuck, Chenle, Taeyong, and a couple girls he doesn’t recognize. Taeyong waves enthusiastically as Jeno and Doyoung walk in, and Donghyuck winks—again—at Jeno. Chenle greets Doyoung but completely ignores Jeno.

“So where is the birthday boy?” Doyoung asks.

“He’s—” Taeyong cuts himself off, frowning. “Um.”

Chenle rolls his eyes. “He’s around somewhere. Probably getting food.”

“Jaemin made soooooooo much food,” Taeyong says. Jeno wonders how long he’s been here, because he already seems pretty drunk.

“Stress baking,” Donghyuck says with a smirk. Jeno’s immediately concerned, because it’s Jaemin, and he doesn’t really know what Donghyuck’s talking about, why Jaemin’s stressed. Is it because he knew Jeno would be here?

“I think he just loves Jisung,” Doyoung says. “Jeno, this is Momo and this is Tzuyu, two of our instrument techs.”

“Our beloved instrument techs,” Donghyuck interjects.

“Right, our beloved instrument techs. Momo, Tzuyu, this is my brother, Jeno.”

Momo and Tzuyu smile at him, and Momo says, “It’s nice to finally meet you, Jeno. We’ve heard a lot about you.”

Jeno wonders how much they’ve heard. It can’t be that much, or else it probably wouldn’t be that nice to meet him. But at least they knew Doyoung had a brother.

“Nice to meet you too,” Jeno says. It hits him that they’ve all been speaking Korean. He wonders when these girls joined the Neos’ crew, and from where. The Neos didn’t remain in Korea for that long after Jeno left them, and at that time they really didn’t have much of a road crew. Besides the boys themselves, there was Doyoung, Taeyong, Donghyuck and Shotaro’s older sisters, and Donghyuck’s sister’s girlfriend. It was kind of a family affair back then. All of the original team is still with them. It’s only Jeno that left.

“Place for presents?” Doyoung asks.

“Same place we put yours,” Chenle says, pointing to the far corner of the room where a bunch of bags and wrapped boxes are arranged haphazardly. Doyoung nods and takes Jeno’s gift from him to take to the corner, leaving Jeno standing awkwardly by himself in front of the others. Chenle still hasn’t acknowledged him.

“Nobody drink whatever the hell Yuta’s making,” someone says in English, and Jeno turns to see Renjun and another girl Jeno doesn’t know entering the living room. Renjun’s the one who spoke, and he cringes when his eyes land on Jeno. “Oh, fuck.”

Well. That’s better than Renjun pretending he’s not even here. Maybe.

“You must be Jeno,” the girl says quietly, in Korean. Jeno hopes she didn’t figure that out solely from Renjun’s reaction to seeing him. “I’m Mina.”

“Yeah, that’s me. Nice to meet you.”

Mina nods, smiling only a little. Jeno’s not sure if his reputation precedes him, or if she’s just shy.

“What’s Yuta making?” Chenle asks, in English.

“I don’t know,” Renjun replies, going to sit down next to him. “Nakamoto family recipe. Vodka and poison, I think. Shotaro’s the only thing stopping him from killing our bassist.”

“That’s where Jisung is, Doyoung,” Chenle calls.

“I told Jisungie not to take drinks from any strange men,” Taeyong whines.

“I think you should’ve been following that rule too,” Chenle says.

“I’m an adult.”

“Jisung’s twenty-five.”

Taeyong pouts. “My baby’s all grown up.”

“Stop now,” Momo advises the whole group, “before he starts crying.”

They continue to talk, and Jeno comes to the conclusion that he’s going to have to get a lot better with English if he actually does go on tour with them. If. He’s so focused on trying to follow along with what everyone’s saying that he almost misses Donghyuck staring at him and patting the ground next to him. Doyoung’s disappeared—probably to find Jisung—and without him here and with Taeyong talking to the others, Jeno figures Donghyuck’s the safest bet to latch onto.

“Hi,” Donghyuck says when Jeno sits down. Once again he’s nice enough to speak in Korean.

“Hey.”

“You showed up. Chenle didn’t think you would.”

“He didn’t think I would or he didn’t want me to?”

Donghyuck shrugs. “Could be both. You’re not very popular around here anymore.”

“Thanks, Donghyuck. I didn’t know.”

“But this is good, you know. That you came. They weren’t gonna let you come on tour with us if you didn’t show tonight.”

“But they will now?”

“Maybe. We’re still gonna talk tomorrow. So be good tonight.”

“I have no intention to start another fight.”

Donghyuck hums. When it’s clear Donghyuck’s not going to say anything else, Jeno hesitates.

“What did you mean?” he asks. “About Jaemin stress baking?”

Donghyuck looks at him knowingly. “Oh, Jeno-yah. You’ll never quit, will you?” He shakes his head. “You can’t worry about it. He won’t tell you anything. He won’t even talk to any of us about it.”

“What do you mean? What’s—what’s ‘it’?”

“The lovers' quarrel he and Mark are having.”

Jeno swallows. “Doyoung—Doyoung said they’re not dating.”

“They’re not. I’m sure that makes you happy.”

Jeno doesn’t even know what to say to that. That it doesn’t? It does? He doesn’t care either way? Does it make him happy?

Belatedly, Jeno realizes what that comment means: Donghyuck knows about Jeno’s feelings for Jaemin. He wonders if that means they all do. It wouldn’t surprise him if they did. He just didn’t know for sure.

“They’re basically married, though,” Donghyuck says. “But something’s been off lately. No one knows what’s going on, and I was in LA when it all started, so.”

“Oh.” It’s the only response Jeno can think of. And it’s the only response he needs, because someone—it sounds like Mark—is calling from somewhere else, telling them to all come to the dining room. Jeno gets to his feet and follows the group, Donghyuck at his side. There are plenty of others already waiting in the dining room, including the two of the four remaining members of the Neos—Mark and Jaemin are still missing—Doyoung, and Yuta. There are some other women too, and Jeno recognizes Jihyo and Sana, Donghyuck and Shotaro’s sisters, and Nayeon, Jihyo’s girlfriend—wife now, actually. They got married a couple years ago. Doyoung sent him pictures. Jisung’s seated at the head of the dining table, but everyone else is standing. It’s another moment before Mark and Jaemin finally appear with a cake so big they’re both needed to carry it. They set it down in front of Jisung—who already seems embarrassed to have this much attention on him—and Shotaro steps forward with a pack of matches to light all the candles.

“Someone get the lights,” Jaemin says when Shotaro’s done. Yuta’s closest to the switch and flicks them off.

“Is someone gonna count us off?” someone asks.

“Start singing. Now,” Yuta says, and about half of the group does as they’re told, leaving the others to jump in sporadically as they sing “Happy Birthday” to Jisung. There’s a lot of hooting and cheering when Jisung blows out the candles, and he immediately hides his face in his hands afterwards. Someone turns the lights back on, and Jaemin begins to dish out pieces of cake for everyone.

“Wait here,” Donghyuck says to Jeno, and he goes to grab two pieces.

“Thanks,” Jeno says when he comes back. Everyone’s starting to disperse as the pieces are handed out, and Donghyuck takes Jeno by the arm and leads him back out to the living room, where most of the others are headed as well. Along one of the walls are all of Mark’s guitars—well, probably not all, but some. Jeno noticed them earlier—they’re hard to miss—but he hadn’t taken any time to look at them too closely. There are five of them, and the only one Jeno recognizes firsthand is the one in the middle.

If you asked die hard Neos fans what kind of guitar Mark Lee plays, nine out of ten of them would reply with a Gibson Les Paul, and technically they’d be correct. Mark’s been known to play a lot of different guitars, but the Les Paul is the most iconic. It wasn’t his first guitar, by any means, but it’s the guitar he’s had the longest, the one he plays the most, and the one he loves best. Jeno thought at some point he’d get rid of it—or maybe he just hoped he’d get rid of it—or at least relegate it to a practice guitar and move onto something else, but Mark’s loyal to that guitar like he’s exchanged vows with it. For more than six years now, every time he gives a performance, he’s accompanied by the same Les Paul. The same Les Paul that ruined Jeno’s fucking life. And there it is, in the center of the display.

“Mark’s children,” Donghyuck says, gesturing to the guitars. Jeno can remember the days when Mark could barely afford one.

“Not a bad collection.”

“But you know which one’s the most important.”

It’s shit like this that makes Jeno wonder what exactly Donghyuck wants. He’s trying to believe Donghyuck just wants to be nice, but someone who’s just being nice wouldn’t say that, not the way Donghyuck did, not with the little smirk Donghyuck has on his lips. Jeno can’t help but feel like Donghyuck’s deliberately trying to rile him up, and Jeno’s really trying not to let him.

“Everyone knows which one’s the most important.”

“I guess so.”

Jeno’s never played on any guitars as good as these are. It’s been so long since he’s played on anything at all. There’s still a guitarist living inside of him, and he finds himself wishing he could take one down and start fiddling with it. He’d like to try the Les Paul out himself. He’d like to take it down from the wall and smash it against the floor.

He shakes his head and turns away from the display. It’s just a fucking guitar. It doesn’t bother him anymore.

As they eat their cake, Donghyuck gives names to the remaining three women Jeno doesn’t know—Jeongyeon, Dahyun, and Chaeyoung. The more Jeno thinks, the more some of the names become familiar to him. Doyoung’s probably spoken about them at some point over the years. The two of them are mostly ignored as they talk, though Sana does come over to say hi. She was always a lot like her brother. So sweet, and not very good at staying mad. Jeno doesn’t think he can say the same for Nayeon, who has only looked his way at all tonight to glare at him. Sana chats with them for a few minutes, but she’s eventually called away by Mina and Dahyun, and then it’s back to just Jeno and Donghyuck. If nothing else, it gives Jeno the chance to observe the others. They’re as loud as Jeno remembers, even more so with the girls, and his own presence hasn’t hindered their ability to have a good time. Not at all. It feels inevitable that Jeno’s attention eventually falls on Jaemin. He’s with Chenle and Jisung, and though Jeno can’t tell what they’re saying, whatever it is seems to be causing Jisung a lot of embarrassment. But Jaemin seems distracted. It’s barely noticeable—and maybe Jeno’s just imagining it—but his eyes keep darting away from the boys he’s talking to. His laughter comes a beat later than Chenle’s.

“Dude, you’re staring,” Donghyuck says. Jeno blinks a few times before he looks at him. Jaemin’s not the only one who’s distracted.

“Sorry.”

“God, you’ve still got it bad, huh?”

Jeno chooses not to answer that. He doesn’t have much interest in discussing how in love with Jaemin he still is with anyone, let alone Donghyuck.

“So does he,” Donghyuck says after another moment. Jeno clenches his jaw. Of course he fucking does. Jeno already knew.

Taeyong eventually starts shouting about presents, and that’s all it really takes for Chenle, Shotaro, and Jeongyeon to start gathering up all the gifts and depositing them right in front of Jisung. Jaemin leaves the room and comes back with his camera, and, like Mark’s guitars, it’s much nicer than the one he had when Jeno was still around. Jisung looks disgruntled when he notices it, but Jeno knows Jaemin won’t be stopped. Jisung starts to open his gifts, and Jeno ignores the stares he gets from certain people in the room when Jisung gets to his. Jisung seems grateful and thanks him for the strings, which is the first thing Jisung’s said to him specifically in over six years, Jeno realizes. He doesn’t think Jisung even said hello or goodbye to him at their lunch meeting.

Jeno’s forgotten again once Jisung gets to the more personal gifts from the other Neos, and that’s fine by him. Shotaro steals the show with a custom made record of songs featuring Jisung’s favorite basslines, a gift appropriate of someone who knows Jisung well. Jisung was the first of the boys to meet Shotaro. Jeno doesn’t know why he’s thinking about that now.

The night progresses and Yuta gets a lot of people very drunk, including Doyoung, so Jeno abstains from alcohol because someone’s going to have to get them back to Doyoung’s place unless they stay here, which really isn’t high on the list of things Jeno wants to do tonight. He doesn’t really want to get drunk, either, so it’s not a big deal. Sure, being drunk would maybe make him feel better about being here, but he doesn’t want to do anything stupid. He doesn’t want to do anything like what he did the last time he was drunk with many of the people in this house. Donghyuck’s his constant companion for most of the night, but Doyoung, Taeyong, Yuta, Mark, Shotaro, Sana, and Jihyo all spend varying amounts of time talking to him as well. He’s properly introduced to Jeongyeon, Dahyun, and Chaeyoung, and they’re all very nice to him, but Jeno gets the feeling they don’t quite know how to react to him, something he also sensed with Mina. He might’ve sensed it with Momo and Tzuyu too if he’d spoken to them more. It’s probably overly optimistic to think they know nothing about him beyond him being Doyoung’s brother and a former member of the Neos.

All of the girls are gone by the time Doyoung decides to call it a night. Taeyong’s already passed out and will be staying over, and Jisung, drunk or just tired, looks like he might be joining him soon, but all of the other boys and Yuta are still going strong. Except Mark. Jeno doesn’t know where Mark is. Goodbyes are still pretty awkward, particularly with Renjun and Chenle, but the most notable for Jeno is Jaemin. He’s the last one they get to, though they’re all gathered in the living room.

“You’re leaving?” he says. “I’m sorry—I don’t know where Mark’s gone.”

“It’s fine,” Doyoung says, his speech only slightly slurred. “We’ll see him tomorrow.”

“He’s probably just outside trying to get inspiration from nature or some shit,” Chenle says.

“It’s cold,” Jaemin says with a frown. “There’s still snow on the ground.”

“He’s a big boy. He knows how to prevent hypothermia.”

“I…should go find him.”

“Jaemin. He lives here. Wherever he is, I’m sure he’s fine.”

“I know, but…” Jaemin doesn’t finish, and he’s already heading out of the room. He waves carelessly and says goodbye to both Jeno and Doyoung without even looking at either of them. Chenle groans.

“What the fuck is their deal?” he asks.

“You know what it could be,” Shotaro says under his breath.

“Stop,” Chenle says immediately. Shotaro smirks.

“Bye, boys,” Doyoung says, apparently uninterested in the gossip even though Jeno admittedly is. He thinks Mark is the reason Jaemin seemed so distracted earlier. He should’ve guessed. He wants to know what Shotaro meant and why Chenle protested so fast, but he can’t ask. Not even Shotaro would tell him. Donghyuck might, if he knows, but probably not right here in front of everyone, and somehow Jeno feels like he’d be overstepping some boundary if he asked.

“Bye, Doyoung,” Chenle, Shotaro, and Renjun all say not quite in unison, followed by Jisung a moment later. Jeno thinks he may have dozed off for a moment.

“See you tomorrow, Jeno,” Donghyuck says quietly, and he grins like they’re sharing a secret. Jeno’s not sure he understands anything Donghyuck does.

“See you,” Jeno says. Shotaro waves, and Jisung tiredly mumbles something that sounds like “bye, Jeno.” Renjun and Chenle don’t say or do anything, but he already got short and half-hearted goodbyes from each of them, so he shouldn’t expect more.

“Get him home safe, Jeno,” Yuta says with a smirk, nodding at Doyoung.

“Shut up,” Doyoung says, but his face is red and Jeno knows it’s not just from the alcohol. “Come on, Jeno.”

Jeno follows Doyoung out the door. “Where are your keys?” he asks, and Doyoung struggles with the pocket of his coat for a few moments before he finds them and holds them out to Jeno.

“Please don’t put us in a ditch.”

Jeno thinks he can handle a drive that’s not even five minutes. He’s literally the only person on the road around here.

It wasn’t an awful night, Jeno thinks as he drives. At least Shotaro and Mark talked to him a bit, and not just Donghyuck. That’s progress. Tomorrow will be the real test. Tomorrow will be what decides everything.

Jeno tells himself he’ll be fine with whatever happens. It’s not that convincing a thought, but he repeats it nonetheless. He doesn’t know what else to do. He’s still not even sure what he wants besides for this constant dull pain in his chest to go away. Hopefully the boys will give him a chance for that.

They used to call Jisung Mark and Jaemin’s son. The others did, anyway. Jeno didn’t as much, even though he was the one who started it. But it was just Jaemin then, it was before any of them even met Mark, and Jisung used to follow Jaemin everywhere and Jaemin fussed over him constantly. Mark didn’t become a part of it until much later, after Renjun and Chenle had shown up. Jisung idolized Mark. (Who didn’t idolize Mark?) Mark looked after Jisung as much as Jaemin did, just in different ways. Jeno never understood that. They all spoiled Jisung to some degree since he was the youngest. He doesn’t know why Mark was singled out as Jaemin’s co-parent. Maybe because he was the oldest. Or maybe it had more to do with Mark and Jaemin than it did Mark and Jisung. Jeno never thought about it that hard. He didn’t like to.

Jisung was out there in the yard that night, with Shotaro, when everything started. It’s almost funny to Jeno now that the two least confrontational members of the band were the ones who were already there, the ones who had to try to figure out what to do about him, about Jeno. Jeno doesn’t remember seeing Jisung’s face—he doesn’t really remember seeing anyone except Jaemin—but he remembers Jisung’s voice. He didn’t say much, but Jeno had never heard him so angry in his life. Sometimes he forgets that. Jisung and Mark, the angriest of all of them, on Jaemin’s behalf. Like one pissed off little family. Maybe the comparisons were fitting.

Jisung would’ve defended Jaemin against anything. No matter what he said, how he liked to pretend Jaemin annoyed him with the constant babying and attention, he would’ve fought against the whole world for Jaemin if he had to. Jeno would’ve said the same thing about himself once. He never dreamed that he would end up being what Jisung needed to defend against.

Chapter Text

They’re right back at Mark and Jaemin’s place the next day, because apparently Doyoung has stopped caring if anyone gets murdered. Jeno has to drive again because Doyoung’s pretty hungover and cursing at the sun for having the audacity to shine. He’s still doing better than Taeyong though, who looks like he just crawled out of a trash compactor. They’re both very upset with Yuta, who’s fresh and clean and ready for the day even though he certainly wasn’t sober last night. Shotaro and Jisung are also already present when Jeno and Doyoung get there, and Jeno thinks that means either Chenle’s with Renjun again or Jisung never went home last night. And judging by the way he’s just lying face down on the floor, Jeno’s betting on the second option. Chenle arrives next after a couple minutes, confirming Jeno’s suspicions, and Renjun and Donghyuck show up shortly after.

“You came together?” Doyoung asks, making a poor attempt at hiding his surprise.

“This fucker sat in my driveway pounding on his horn until I came outside,” Donghyuck grumbles.

“And now you’re not late,” Renjun says. “If I have to be here, everyone else has to fucking be here too. What the fuck happened to him?”

Renjun gestures to Jisung. Jisung groans.

“He’ll be okay,” Jaemin says, and leaves it at that. Renjun shrugs.

“Whatever.”

“Well,” Doyoung says slowly, looking around at all of them. “Since we’re all here, I suppose we can get right into it.”

“Oh, no, let’s beat around the bush for a couple hours,” Chenle says. “That would be fun.”

“Chenle, please.” Doyoung closes his eyes for a moment and massages his temples. When he opens his eyes again, he looks at Jeno. “So. We’ve been talking.”

“I know,” Jeno says.

“We’ve heard from Mark that you’d be willing to play. Funny that you’ve never said that to me.”

“I need a guitar.”

“I told you not to worry about that,” Mark says. It’s hard for Jeno to focus on him when Jaemin’s perched on the fucking arm of the chair he’s occupying. They certainly don’t look like they’re in the middle of a lover’s quarrel now.

“We can find you a guitar,” Doyoung says, nodding.

“I might not be very good anymore,” Jeno says.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Jeno, are you willing to play or not?” Chenle snaps. “You’re just wasting everyone’s time if you don’t actually want to do what used to be your fucking job.”

“Yeah, well, it’s really not anymore, is it?” Jeno says, harsher than he wants to.

“And whose fucking fault is that? None of us made you do the shit you did, and none of us made you leave, either.”

“Oh, I’m sure you wanted me to stay after all that. You certainly sound like it now.”

“Jeno,” Doyoung says disapprovingly.

“Go fuck yourself, dude,” Chenle says.

“Chenle!”

“What, Doyoung? I told you I wasn’t gonna fucking play nice. After fucking six, seven years, he can take it. If he can’t, he shouldn’t fucking be here.”

Doyoung closes his eyes again. His face is blank, but he just seems so tired. He always seems so tired.

“It’s okay, Doie,” Jeno says. “They don’t have to be nice to me. I wouldn’t want them to hide how they truly feel.”

“Thanks for your fucking permission,” Chenle says.

“Stop saying ‘fucking’,” Donghyuck interjects.

“Shut up, Donghyuck.”

“Guys,” Mark says hesitantly, “maybe we should just cool down a little. We don’t wanna get into a screaming match. I don’t think Taeyong would survive.”

Taeyong whimpers like Mark just saying his name aggravates his hangover. Yuta, sitting next to him, gently and sympathetically pets his hair.

“I’m not screaming,” Chenle says. “Doesn’t mean I’m happy.”

“No one expects you to be,” Doyoung says.

“And he still hasn’t answered my fucking question.” Chenle looks at Jeno. “Are you willing to play or not? ‘Cause there’s no point talking anymore if you won’t play.”

“I—I told Mark—” Jeno begins.

“I know what you told Mark. Did you mean it or not?”

Jeno pauses just so he can be certain of his answer. Even though he already knows he is, otherwise he never would’ve come here a second time, maybe wouldn’t have even come here a first time. He’s still attached to the Neos in ways he can’t do anything about, no matter how hard he tries to pretend otherwise. In the end, maybe he’s only ever had one option.

“Yeah, I did. I’ll play.”

“Yay!” Donghyuck cheers, clapping his hands. No one else is nearly as happy—though Taeyong might’ve been if he wasn’t so miserable right now—but Jeno was sort of imagining all hell breaking loose as soon as he said it, and that hasn’t happened yet, so that’s nice.

“I guess it’s up to you guys,” Jeno says.

“Let’s let him come,” Donghyuck says. “It’ll be fun.”

“No, it fucking won’t,” Renjun says. He looks and sounds just as tired as Doyoung.

“Oh, come on, Junnie! He was part of the band once, too! Before I even was.”

Renjun folds his arms. “Yeah, and he didn’t want you to join.”

Donghyuck’s smile slips just a little, Jeno thinks. “Oh, that’s all water under the bridge now. Can’t we give him a chance?”

“We can try,” Mark says gently. “For the fans. It’s been ten years, and some of them have been around that long. It’d be nice for them.”

“I can’t believe you want him to come,” Chenle says.

“It’s not about him, I just said that.”

“We’re talking in circles, guys,” Renjun says. “We’ve been over all of this already a million times. There’s nothing left to say.”

“Then maybe it’s time to make a decision,” Yuta says. “That’s the only thing you guys haven’t done yet.”

“Oh, God,” Jisung says suddenly, rolling over and pushing himself up into a sitting position. He looks like he’s afraid to be here.

“Oh, you’re alive,” Yuta says.

“Let’s put it to a vote,” Doyoung says, ignoring them. “It’s the only way this is gonna get settled. Just the seven of you. Yuta, Taeyong, and I will stay out of it. And Jeno, of course.”

“Oh, God,” Jisung repeats.

“Let’s just get it over with,” Renjun says.

“Okay,” Doyoung says. “All members in favor of letting Jeno come on tour, raise your hands.”

Donghyuck raises his hand immediately, a large and pleased grin on his face. Shotaro raises his a bit more hesitantly a second later, followed by Mark. Jeno thinks that’s it. Three against four. He doubts any of the others will vote for him; his best hope is Jisung, and the way he’s nervously glancing around at the group and looking a bit like he might puke makes Jeno pretty sure he has no desire to be the tiebreaker. Resignation’s already filling Jeno’s chest when slowly, so slowly, Jaemin raises his hand. He’s not looking at Jeno, or any of them, for that matter. He’s staring at the floor.

But he wants Jeno back.

“That’s a majority,” Doyoung says, clearly surprised. Jeno can’t even be offended, because he is too.

“Fine,” Renjun says, eerily calm. “I guess we’re done here, then.”

He gets up and walks to the front door.

“Wait, Renjun,” Taeyong says, but Renjun ignores him.

“Let him go,” Doyoung says quietly. Renjun doesn’t even slam the door, and everyone’s quiet for a few moments once he’s gone like no one knows what to say.

“No, wait, fuck!” Donghyuck says suddenly. “He’s my fucking ride!”

“Someone will get you home, Hyuck,” Doyoung says, rolling his eyes.

“You could walk from here,” Yuta points out.

“Fuck this,” Chenle says, standing up. “I’ll see you guys around, I guess.”

Chenle does slam the door, making Doyoung wince and Taeyong groan and cradle his head in his hands.

“I hate voting,” Jisung says with a pout after a moment. “And he was my ride.”

“Well, welcome back, Jeno,” Yuta says. “Sort of.”

“This is gonna be great,” Donghyuck says. He keeps talking, but his voice becomes background noise as Jeno looks at Jaemin. He still hasn’t looked up from the floor, didn’t even when Renjun and Chenle left. Jeno wants to go to him, to ask him what’s wrong, to try to figure out how to solve all of his problems, like he used to. He can’t do that anymore, and it’s his own fault.

But there’s a little bit of hope. Jaemin wants him back.

“We should probably talk about how much we want Jeno to do,” Doyoung says, getting Jeno’s attention again. “I know the setlist tends to change, but we could have at least a general idea.”

Mark, Donghyuck, and Shotaro start talking about what their most-played older songs are, songs that Jeno has played on before, songs that Jeno helped record. Jisung gives his input every so often, as do Doyoung and Yuta. Apart from Taeyong, who seems to feel too terrible to want to participate, Jaemin is the only one who stays quiet, just like he was for most of their meeting at the restaurant. He does get his eyes off the floor and on some of the others—usually whoever’s talking—but he never looks at Jeno. Even on the few occasions that Jeno speaks. And he never moves from the arm of Mark’s chair, even though Renjun and Chenle leaving has freed up some furniture space. Jeno tries not to think too hard about it. Nothing good has ever come from Jeno thinking too hard.

Mark mentions lending Jeno one of his guitars, asking if Jeno has a preference, and Jeno says he doesn’t care because he doesn’t. Any of them will be fine. Jeno knows he could ask, make a specific request, and Mark would let him have it, because Mark is kind and giving, even towards people he’s mad at or doesn’t like. Mark would let him take his pick, except for one. But Jeno will take whichever guitar Mark gives him. Then he’ll just have to try to remember how to play it.

But it’s official now. The Neos will be reunited with their eighth member onstage once more. Something is twisting in Jeno’s stomach, and he can’t be sure if it’s excitement or anxiety. Maybe it’s both. He can’t run away now. Not like he did once. Maybe this is how he has to move on.

“Dude, you’re gonna rub a hole in that window. It’s clean. You’ll have birds flying straight into it for weeks.”

Renjun puts his hands, Windex bottle in one, cleaning rag in the other, on his hips and gives Chenle an icy glare. “You know, it wouldn’t kill you to help.”

“Help clean your windows? I don’t even know the last time I cleaned my windows. And I didn’t come over here to help you rid this place of every last speck of dirt.”

Renjun grumbles under his breath and turns back to his window. Grudgingly, he has to admit that Chenle’s right. There’s nothing more he can do here. This is the cleanest this window will ever be. But there are more windows. A whole house full of them. And he needs to vacuum. And dust. And change the bed sheets. And get rid of old clothes that don’t fit and search for cobwebs and clean out the attic and—

“You know,” Chenle says, “most people just, like, rant. Make a big scene, maybe throw some shit. Why do you always wanna clean your entire already spotless house?”

He’s doing something with his phone and not looking at Renjun. His fucking shoes are on Renjun’s couch. He’s doing it just to piss Renjun off, Renjun knows he is. Unfortunately, it’s working.

“At least take your fucking shoes off if you’re gonna sit like that,” Renjun says. He’s already asked him three times to put his feet down. Chenle looks up from his phone, stares at Renjun for a moment, and sighs. He slips his shoes off without even untying the laces and drops them on the floor. Renjun’s nice carpet.

“Happy?”

Renjun trudges to a new window. “No.”

“Well, wipe down another pristine window, that’ll make you feel better. Is this a control thing?”

“Don’t even fucking go there.” Renjun sprays the Windex aggressively. He doesn’t know what Chenle’s talking about. There are smudges on this window on at least three different places.

“I’m just wondering.”

“Stop wondering. Things are dirty, I clean them. It’s that simple.”

“Then why am I not convinced?”

Renjun turns around sharply. “I don’t give a fuck why you’re not convinced. That’s not my fucking problem. Now, are you trying to make me angrier than I already am? Is that what you want?”

Chenle holds Renjun’s irritated gaze steadily. “If you yell at me, you might actually feel better. I can take it.”

Renjun feels all the frustration and annoyance seep out of him as he turns back to scrub the window. “I don’t want to yell at you.”

“That’s a first.”

Renjun’s glad he’s facing away from Chenle, so Chenle won’t see the grin he’s fighting. “Shut up.”

“I’m just saying that you’ve been cleaning windows and tables and countertops for more than an hour now and you don’t seem to have calmed down at all. It can’t hurt to try something else.”

“You want me to throw something? Because then I’m just gonna have to clean that up.”

“You could go with like a pillow or something. Though it’s not as satisfying when there are no loud sounds and nothing breaks.”

“Is this why you and Jisung always need new kitchen appliances?”

“No.” Chenle’s voice is a little petulant. It makes Renjun grin again. Truthfully, everyone knows Chenle and Jisung’s bad luck with appliances is due to Jisung's incredible knack for breaking everything he touches, but it’s fun to tease Chenle.

The doorbell rings. Renjun looks back at Chenle, who raises his eyebrows.

“Meeting must be over,” Chenle says. “That’s probably Doyoung coming to make sure you’re not plotting to kill all of us. I’ll get it.”

“Thanks.”

Renjun inspects the window to make sure there are no streaks. The only thing worse than smudges. He nods approvingly to himself—and then hears Chenle from the front hall: “What the fuck?”

“Chenle?”

“Um—just stay there, Renjun.”

Renjun can’t see the front door from where he’s standing, but he does what Chenle told him to. He hears Chenle open the door, followed by his flat voice asking, in Korean, “What the fuck do you want?”

Renjun doesn’t even need to hear a response to know that it’s Jeno standing outside.

“Doyoung said this was Renjun’s place,” is what Renjun hears after a moment, and it is indeed Jeno’s voice. Renjun holds back a groan. This is just what he needs.

“It is,” Chenle confirms. “I’m Chenle, Renjun’s friend. It’s shitty to meet you.”

“Chenle…”

“I don’t think Renjun lets strangers in.”

“Jesus Christ, Chenle, can you at least tell him I’m here?”

“Why?”

“Chenle,” Renjun calls, heading for the front door and asking himself why the hell he’s doing this. “It’s okay.”

Chenle looks between Renjun and Jeno a couple times before nodding, though he doesn’t seem happy. “I’ll be steam cleaning the carpet in your bedroom if you need me,” he says, and Renjun chuckles in spite of himself.

“Fine by me.”

Chenle walks in the direction of the staircase, shooting one last glare over his shoulder at Jeno before he’s gone. Renjun looks at Jeno too, but he doesn’t have the energy to look pissed. He just wants to know why Jeno’s here so he can send him on his way as fast as possible.

“Uh. Hi,” Jeno says awkwardly.

“Hey.”

“Window washing?”

Renjun’s still holding the Windex and the cleaning rag. “Yeah.”

“Oh. Cool.”

“Not really.” Renjun stares at him for a long moment, really takes him in as he is now. He’s still so handsome, Renjun can’t deny that, but he looks like a fraction of the person he was at twenty years old. Renjun doesn’t know whether to feel pitying or satisfied. Maybe apathetic will have to do. “Why are you here, Jeno?”

“Can I come in?”

So he wants to push his luck right away. At least he’s hesitant. Renjun hates to do it, but it’s cold with the front door hanging wide open. He steps to the side.

“Sure.”

Jeno smiles gratefully and steps inside. Renjun leads him to the living room, because he might as well finish with the windows in here if he has to talk to Jeno.

“So, Chenle…” Jeno says as Renjun gets back to work.

“What about him?”

“He’s a little protective these days.”

“He doesn’t really like you.”

Jeno takes a minute to digest that. Maybe that was harsh. Renjun doesn’t really care. He had to have known.

“I’m betting you don’t like me that much either,” Jeno finally says, very quietly. Renjun scrubs at the window with more force than is necessary.

“Are you supposed to like your exes?”

“I suppose it depends on how it ends.”

Renjun pauses in his actions, brings his hands down to his sides, and turns to face Jeno. “Well, Jeno. How did it end? Because if I’m not mistaken, to this very moment we still haven’t technically broken up.”

Jeno looks at the floor. Good. He hasn’t forgotten, hasn’t forgotten how after a whole relationship built on nothing but lies he never even told Renjun it was over. He just left.

He just fucking left.

“Why are you here, Jeno?” Renjun asks again when it’s clear Jeno’s not going to speak.

“Would you believe it if I said I don’t know?”

“Well, you better figure it out quick, because I’m not gonna let you stand around in my living room all day.”

“I just…wanted to talk to you.”

Renjun squeezes the rag. Now he wants to fucking talk, after all these years. After ignoring all of Renjun’s calls and messages. After refusing to speak to anyone but Doyoung like a child throwing a fit. Now he’s ready to talk.

It almost makes Renjun want to laugh.

“Fucking talk, then.”

Renjun resumes his window cleaning. He can’t handle looking at Jeno anymore. He doesn’t want to say or do anything he’ll regret.

“Look, Renjun, if you’re really not okay with me coming along…”

“Majority rules, Jeno. We’d never get anything done around here if we kept flip-flopping back and forth on all our decisions. I can deal. Besides, Jaemin said you can come, and you made him cry.”

“I didn’t make you cry?”

Renjun clenches his jaw hard enough that it hurts. “I don’t really think that’s any of your fucking business.”

“Fair enough.”

“So if you’re just here because you feel some obligation because you fucked me over, just…it’s whatever. I don’t give a shit. Come on tour. I can be professional, and we don’t have to fucking be friends.”

“Are you sure?”

“Am I sure we don’t have to be friends? Yes, I’m incredibly sure.”

“No, I mean…are you sure you’re okay with me coming?”

Chenle would have a field day if he saw this window. There’s not a hint of a smear or smudge on it, but Renjun keeps scrubbing.

“Is there anything I can say that will keep you away from Jaemin?”

It’s a low blow. A really fucking low blow. But Renjun saw it on Jeno’s face when Jaemin raised his hand, he knows that an entire army couldn’t keep Jeno away now. This visit is a courtesy, but not something Jeno takes seriously. Renjun will never be able to compete with Jaemin. At least he knows it now.

Jeno doesn’t say anything. His silence is damning.

“Yeah,” Renjun says. “That’s what I thought.”

“He was my best friend, Renjun.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Jeno,” Renjun says bitterly, “believe me. I know.”

Renjun knows everything.

“You do?”

“You can’t possibly think I don’t.”

“Does he?”

“We all do. We had that conversation a long time ago.”

Unsurprisingly, Renjun never heard the truth from Jeno. Other members of the band were smarter than he was. He likes to think he would’ve put it together eventually. There’s no way for him to be sure now.

“Oh. I figured.”

“Yeah.”

Renjun’s not really putting in any effort anymore. He’s just dragging the rag around in circles.

“Renjun, maybe…maybe we should talk, you know, about what happened between us.”

“What happened between us?” Renjun breathes in and holds it for a few seconds. His hand on the window finally stills. “I think it’s pretty simple, Jeno. I was in love, and you weren’t.” Renjun turns his head. “Did I miss anything?”

“I guess that sums it up.”

Their whole fucking relationship in a single sentence. One sad little sentence.

“Renjun…”

Renjun waits, but Jeno doesn’t say anything else. Renjun doesn’t know what he was expecting. An apology would’ve been nice, but if he has to beg for Jeno just to say he’s sorry then he surely isn’t.

“Is there anything else you want, Jeno?”

Jeno looks down again. “No. No, I guess that’s it.”

“Then maybe you should go. I don’t want Chenle to have to hide in my bedroom forever, and it’s not gonna be fun for anyone if he comes down here.”

That’s not quite true. It might be fun for Renjun to see Chenle drag Jeno relentlessly, but that’s very petty. And he wants Jeno out of his house.

“Yeah. I’ll…I’ll see you around.”

“I guess you will. Lock the door behind you, will you?”

“Sure.” Jeno walks a few steps towards the door, then stops. “Uh, Renjun?”

“Yes?”

There’s a very long, loaded pause. Renjun sprays the window again just to have something to do.

“Nothing. Never mind. See you.”

Jeno leaves, and Renjun sags, tension he hadn’t even fully noticed leaving his body. He finishes wiping down the window before he walks to the stairs and calls, “He’s gone.” Chenle descends the stairs a moment later.

“What did he want?”

“I don’t fucking know. To ease his conscience, I guess.”

“Oh. Are you, you know, okay?”

It’s a good question. One that Renjun feels like he hasn’t had a very good answer to in a long time. It’s only going to get worse.

“Sure, I’m good. Still have windows to clean, though.”

Chenle groans. “Can’t we just, like, watch a movie or something?”

“I didn’t ask you to come over here.”

“Yeah, like I was gonna let you seethe all by yourself.”

Loyal Chenle. Renjun smiles fondly, and he can already see Chenle gearing up to fight him over whatever he’s about to say. Maybe that’s also part of the reason why Renjun can forget how sweet Chenle can be: Chenle doesn’t like it mentioned. It messes with his cool rockstar image or something.

“You can go get the Swiffer,” Renjun offers, opting to scare him instead of embarrass him.

“Please don’t do this to me.”

Renjun snorts. “Fine, go pick out something to watch. But I’m starting a load of laundry first!”

Chenle rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I’m sure you need it.”

“Not all of us wear the same outfit for three days before washing it.”

“Oh, shut up, I don’t do that!”

Renjun laughs and shoos Chenle away, going his own way to collect the laundry and take it to the washer. As he gets the machine started, he battles the discomfort in his stomach. He can’t get like this every time Jeno’s around, not if he’s going to be going on tour with the band. He will not survive months of this, over and over. He doesn’t blame Jaemin, or any of the other boys who voted for Jeno to come along. That was their choice. He’d even say he saw it coming. Donghyuck and Shotaro were going to vote for Jeno from the beginning, and Renjun knows Doyoung and Taeyong had been wearing Jaemin and especially Mark down. This is not a personal attack on Renjun. Jeno hurt all of them too.

Starting tomorrow, he’s going to believe that wholeheartedly. For the rest of today, he’s going to be pissed.

It’s hard to remember specifics now. Renjun couldn’t tell you if he figured out he liked boys and then figured out he liked Jeno, or if he figured out he liked boys because he figured out he liked Jeno. He was fourteen, he knows that much. Post-Chenle, pre-Shotaro. Maybe he should’ve put it together sooner, maybe he ignored it because it scared him. Maybe he was just more worried about getting all his classwork done on time. It doesn’t really matter now, because he got there eventually and realized the butterflies he’d get in his stomach whenever Jeno was around didn’t come just because Jeno was a good friend, that the excitement he felt whenever Jeno texted him didn’t show up when he received messages from anyone else, that the nervousness he’d sometimes feel when Jeno hugged him or held his hand was always absent when others did the same thing. He still liked Jeno’s smile, still thought it was cute, but he was starting to think Jeno was cute all the time. And he was so fucking nice to Renjun all the time, and it made Renjun feel special.

Silly. Jeno was nice to all of his friends. None more so than Jaemin. Jaemin…Jaemin was the one who was special. Renjun should’ve seen it. Renjun should’ve known.

But Renjun liked Jeno so much, and it was still harmless back then. As far as he knew, Jeno was straight, anyway. Which sucked, sure, but it was just a crush. He’d get over it.

He should’ve gotten over it. But he didn’t know any better.

It’s sad now to think about how many years Renjun wasted. Wasted on Jeno. That’s all time, most of his adolescence, that he’s never getting back. Even sadder that he can still remember the butterflies, the excitement, the nerves. He can remember when the thought of Jeno made his heart skip a beat and not drop to the pit of his stomach. He can remember being the young boy who trusted because there was no reason not to. He can remember how easy it was.

But he can remember how easy it was for Jeno to leave him, too. He never even looked back. And that…that is something that Renjun’s still struggling to forgive.

Chapter Text

The good thing about having a fully functional recording studio in your own house is that you always have a place to practice that’s free and won’t potentially get you any noise complaints. Jaemin wasn’t too sure about it at the beginning, but, like all of Mark’s musical ideas, it’s been paying off. That’s probably why he’s the unofficial man in charge as far as the Neos go. Mark may flounder in other areas of his life, but when it comes to the Neos he’s steady as a rock. It’s something Jaemin’s always admired about him.

But that’s the thing. All of a sudden, Mark doesn’t seem so steady anymore. Jaemin doesn’t know what to do.

They’re on a break, which means Chenle and Jisung are raiding the pantry for snacks, Mark’s on his phone, and Shotaro’s very subtly keeping Renjun calm because Donghyuck’s a no-show. They’ve all texted him, and Mark’s tried calling. Someone could very simply go to his place and drag him out if he’s there, but Renjun’s vetoed that idea because they shouldn’t have to, and Jaemin can see his point. Donghyuck not showing up for stuff is becoming aggravatingly typical. Jaemin’s not that worried about it this time; he figures Renjun’s pissed off enough for all of them. Jaemin’s more concerned with Mark. He seems out of it today. He’s seemed out of it a lot lately.

Jaemin approaches him slowly, because he’s so edgy these days and Jaemin doesn’t want him to start running or something. That’s a little dramatic, but Mark’s been very hard to predict lately. Jaemin sits down next to him and inclines his head a little to say, “As I was walking down the street one day, a man came up to me.”

Mark makes eye contact with him, and after a beat says, “And asked me what the time was that was on my watch. ‘Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?’ Chicago.”

Jaemin smiles and nods. “That one was easy.”

They’ve been doing this since they were in middle school and Jaemin started stealing Mark’s iPod to listen to the kind of music Mark listened to. He couldn’t understand the English songs very well but he liked the sound of a lot of them, and he wanted to learn. Mark would explain and help him translate, and at some point he started picking out lyrics of different songs and reciting them to see if Jaemin knew what song it was and what came next. As Jaemin’s understanding of the songs improved, he started doing the same to Mark, though Mark was always much better at it, of course. Nowadays, their intent isn’t really to try to stump each other anymore, or at least Jaemin’s isn’t. He does it because it’s a habit, something fun only he and Mark do. And nothing against his other friends, but Jaemin likes it that way.

“Maybe for you,” Mark says. “For a second I thought you were really telling me that some dude came up to you on the street, and that was it.”

Jaemin snickers. “You did not.”

“I did!”

“Well, you figured it out pretty fast anyway.”

Mark shrugs. He doesn’t respond. His eyes are on the phone in his hand even though the screen is dim. He seems almost melancholy, though Jaemin couldn’t explain exactly how. Maybe he’s just known Mark too long.

“Are you okay?” Jaemin asks hesitantly. Mark looks at him and blinks a few times.

“Me? Yeah, I’m—I’m fine. Just a little tired, I guess. I haven’t really been sleeping well.”

Mark has never been good at sleeping, to put it one way. Jaemin has lived with him for years, no one knows it better than him. His mind is too active, and it always gets worse when something’s bothering him. More than once in the past few weeks Jaemin has woken up at one of the early hours of the morning to see a light still on downstairs or in Mark’s room. A few times he’s tried dragging Mark to bed to cuddle up with him. That usually works. Not lately.

“I know.”

Mark immediately looks guilty. “Sorry, I—I haven’t been keeping you up, have I? I’ve been trying to be quiet, but I know you’ve been up a couple times—”

“You’re fine, Mark. Don’t worry about me. You need to get more sleep, though. Is there anything on your mind?”

Mark shrugs again. “Just the tour.”

He’s a liar, and not a very good one. This isn’t the first time they’ve had this conversation. Mark hasn’t given Jaemin any honest answers yet—not completely honest, at least. It’s always hard to get Mark to open up about his feelings and any hardships he may be facing, but he’s really dialed it up a notch lately. Jaemin doesn’t know how to deal with it.

“Besides,” Mark says, “I should be asking you that.”

Jaemin frowns. “What do you mean?”

“You know. This whole thing. Jeno. Are you, like, good with this?”

“I voted for him to come, Mark.”

“I know, but…I just wanna be sure. You guys…you guys were close.”

They were. For around fifteen years, Jaemin called Jeno his best friend. It leaves an uncomfortable empty feeling in his chest when he thinks about it for too long. For most of Jaemin’s life, Jeno seemed like a sure thing. Jeno would always be there, as his friend and then as his band mate, too. But life throws curves. People surprise you. Jeno certainly took Jaemin by surprise.

“I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?”

There was a time when Jaemin thought he knew Jeno better than Jeno knew himself. But Jaemin trusted Jeno too, and that means he missed something really fucking important. He can see it now when he looks back, he thinks. But it doesn’t matter now.

“Yeah. It’s just Jeno.”

Just Jeno. If Renjun can handle him, Jaemin can. Renjun’s the one who dated him.

“I guess it is.” Mark’s face twists like he’s not that happy about that fact.

“Hey, you voted for him to come, too. You called him just to see if he was willing to play and told him you thought he should come.”

Mark runs a hand through his hair. “Believe me, I know.”

“Are you regretting it?”

“Not exactly, just…God, why couldn’t Doyoung have been literally anyone else’s brother?”

Jaemin chuckles even though it’s not really funny to him because he’s thought the same thing before. “That would’ve been too easy.”

Mark sighs. “Yeah. And who wants easy?”

Jaemin would like to say that he wants easy, but then he should’ve just kept his fucking hand down when Doyoung started the vote. That would’ve been easy, a lot easier than letting Jeno come along, even with Doyoung still being their manager. He really has no one but himself to blame.

“How are things with Renjun?” Mark asks, lowering his voice even though Renjun’s clearly fully focused on ranting to Shotaro, presumably about Donghyuck being the definition of unreliable these days. Jaemin groans.

“Oh, God. Uncomfortable.”

Of course things are uncomfortable, things are always uncomfortable with Renjun when Jeno’s part of the equation. He doesn’t think Renjun’s mad at him for voting the way he did, but that barely makes anything better. He and Renjun can get along perfectly fine the vast majority of the time—better than fine, even—but at the mere mention of Jeno’s name it’s like they run headfirst right into each other. They’d been doing pretty well just avoiding the topic altogether, but they can’t do that now, thanks to Jaemin.

“You guys will figure it out.”

“I’m glad you think so.”

“You know it’s not your fault, right?”

That’s what Mark’s said from the very beginning. Mark has always, always been on his side. Sometimes Jaemin gets it. Other times it’s very hard for him to believe.

“Yeah. I guess so.”

It’s what Mark wants to hear, but it probably doesn’t convince him. Jaemin didn’t put much conviction into it. Jaemin told Jeno almost everything. Maybe if he could’ve just kept his mouth shut every once in a while, things would’ve gone differently. Both for him and for Renjun, and for everyone else too. Jaemin doesn’t think he deserved what Jeno did to him, the things he said. He doesn’t know if anyone deserves that kind of treatment from their best friend. He knows Renjun didn’t deserve what Jeno did to him. But sometimes it eats at him, his part in all of this. He thought he knew Jeno so well. Not well enough, it turned out.

“It’s not,” Mark says. Jaemin doesn’t fucking know him well enough either. Not well enough to know what the fuck’s going on with him, not well enough to know how to fix it. Mark’s always been there when Jaemin’s needed him. Jaemin can’t even repay the favor.

Maybe Mark doesn’t want him to.

Before Jaemin can say anything else, Chenle and Jisung come back with every bag of chips Mark and Jaemin have in the house.

“Food away from the instruments,” Renjun says immediately.

“Thanks, Junnie,” Chenle says. “It’s not like this gets said every time anyone has a snack around here.”

“It needs to be said.” Renjun points at him. “You’re messy.”

“That’s just mean.”

“Donghyuck should be here soon,” Jisung says, adding insult to injury and throwing a whole stack of napkins at Chenle.

“You heard from Donghyuck?” Renjun asks in amazement.

“No. Chenle called Jihyo. She’ll kick down his door if she has to.”

Renjun frowns at Chenle. “You had to bother Jihyo?”

“Hey, Jihyo’s on our side,” Chenle says defensively. “And she likes getting to yell at her brother. Everyone wins.”

“I don’t think Donghyuck does,” Jisung says under his breath.

“Anybody else want something to eat?” Chenle asks.

It ends up taking close to a half an hour for Donghyuck to get there, but he does get there. For security reasons, Chenle and Shotaro keep Renjun in one corner of the room while Jaemin and Jisung keep Donghyuck in the other, and Mark just hangs around looking like he either wants to go to bed for twelve years or he wants them all to die. Jaemin couldn’t blame him either way. Donghyuck doesn’t really give a good answer to why he’s so late—or a good answer to whether or not he was planning to show up at all—which does absolutely nothing to brighten Renjun’s temperament, and Jaemin’s truthfully not that impressed either. But he’s there, and they get a good couple hours of practice in with him before they all decide to call it quits. Donghyuck leaves first—go figure—and as soon as he’s gone, Renjun turns to the rest of them with the fury of a thousand scorned lovers.

“Jeno’s his fucking problem,” he all but hisses.

“Not that I’m against this,” Chenle says, “but what exactly do you mean?”

“I mean that if he wants Jeno to come along with us so badly but he can’t even show up to practice without his sister forcing him to, then Jeno’s his to worry about. He can keep Jeno company and make sure he knows what the fuck he’s doing, he can fucking share a hotel room with him when someone needs to. I’m not doing any of that shit.”

“No one was expecting you to, Renjun,” Mark says.

“I thought we’d make Doyoung share a room with Jeno,” Chenle says.

“And deprive him of fighting with Taeyong over who gets to room with Yuta?” Shotaro asks. “And deprive us of getting to watch him fight with Taeyong over who gets to room with Yuta? That’s literally the highlight of touring.”

“Okay, you have a point.”

“Do you really wanna make Donghyuck and Jeno permanent roommates?” Jisung asks. “Didn’t we used to avoid that just in case they decided they hated each other again and tried to murder each other?”

“Do I look like I give a fuck if they murder each other?” Renjun asks.

“That’s incredibly bad publicity,” Chenle says.

“Good.”

“We could all just take turns with Jeno,” Mark says, adding, “You know, except for Renjun” at the murderous look Renjun gives him. It’s a very leader-like suggestion, but it cuts Jaemin to the bone.

“But—but we always room together,” Jaemin says to Mark before he can even think about it. It’s the most immature and childish thing for Jaemin to get upset about—fucking hotel roommates—but he and Mark are always together. It’s the other five who rotate. He knows the circumstances are different now with Jeno coming along, but—but—

But Mark won’t fucking tell him what’s wrong. He just keeps putting space between them until Jaemin feels like he can’t see him even when they’re in the same room. Jaemin knows something’s bothering him, and the more he pulls away the more Jaemin thinks that what’s bothering him is Jaemin.

“I’m not fucking rooming with Jeno,” Chenle says flatly before Mark can say anything. “And I’m not rooming with Jaemin either. Look at him, he looks like a sad kitten.”

Jaemin’s face heats up as he tries to neutralize his expression. Mark meets his eyes, and Jaemin quickly looks away.

“Is he coming on our bus?” Jisung asks.

“Jaemin?” Chenle says.

“No, dumbass, Jeno.”

“We always have an extra bunk,” Mark points out weakly.

“Oh, God, he’s gonna have to come with us, isn’t he?” Renjun laments. “We can’t just drop him on people who don’t even know him, that would be cruel.”

“To them, I’m assuming?” Mark asks.

“Obviously.”

“We could make Donghyuck go with him,” Chenle suggests.

“Oh, good idea,” Renjun says. “They can follow in a van.”

“A moped!” Chenle says.

“That’s not very nice,” Shotaro says, but he’s giggling.

“Yeah, I’m a real asshole, I know,” Chenle says.

“Look, Jeno can come on our bus,” Renjun says, “but like I said, he’s Donghyuck’s problem. They’re a fucking match made in heaven. If they kill each other, well, Jeno’s not even actually part of the band anymore, and Donghyuck’s never fucking here anyway. But I don’t think we have anything to worry about. They seemed very friendly at Jisung’s birthday party.”

“True,” Chenle says.

“Can I go on a different bus?” Jisung asks.

“It’ll be okay, Jisungie,” Shotaro assures him. Jisung hates conflict, does everything he can to avoid it, they all know that. Jaemin can relate to it, on some level. He’s not quite as avoidant as Jisung is, but he can’t deny that there are times when he can see exactly why Jisung is like this.

“I’m all for making Donghyuck deal with Jeno,” Chenle says. “I don’t wanna talk to him more than I have to.”

“Yeah, join the club,” Renjun says bitterly.

“I’m sure Jaemin doesn’t either,” Chenle says, looking at Jaemin expectantly. Jaemin’s a little surprised, even though he probably shouldn’t be. It’s no secret what Jeno said and did. Everyone but Renjun was there for at least part of it. Doyoung, Taeyong, and Yuta know, Jihyo, Nayeon, and Sana know, even Jeongyeon, Momo, Mina, Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu have varying amounts of knowledge about why the Neos now only have seven members instead of eight. Jaemin can’t ignore his own involvement, as much as he’d like to.

Jaemin shrugs. “I can put up with him. I don’t have my sights set on much more.”

“Exactly,” Chenle says. Jaemin looks away, to Mark, who kind of looks like he’s zoning them out. No one’s asked him how he feels about Jeno coming with them. Why would they? He called Jeno, voted for him to come along, he wasn’t Jeno’s crushed boyfriend or best friend. He’s strong and resilient Mark. Mark can handle anything. But he was Jeno’s friend. The one who talked Jeno into learning to play the guitar, the one who helped teach him. Mark didn’t vote for Jeno to come along for himself. Jaemin knows that. Mark’s too selfless. He’ll do anything for Doyoung, for Taeyong, for the fans. He’d do anything for the band, too. Jaemin knows they were joking, but Mark would drive the fucking van Jeno and Donghyuck were banished to himself if that’s what the rest of them really wanted. It has nothing to do with what he wants.

But Jaemin doesn’t always act according to what he wants, either. If he did, Jeno wouldn’t be coming. In fact—and it’s so tragic, because Jeno was his best friend—he thinks he was the first of all of them to be okay with Jeno being gone.

It was hot that night. Really fucking hot, and humid. There was a park not that far from Yuta’s place, about a ten minute walk. None of them even knew it was there until that night.

Jaemin remembers bits and pieces. He remembers the things Jeno said very clearly, but he doesn’t remember if he actually saw Mark punch him, or if he can just picture it because he knows it happened. He doesn’t remember anything between him fleeing Yuta’s backyard and Shotaro catching up to him in the park. He remembers Shotaro calling Mark but he doesn’t have a clue what he said to him. And his sense of time is skewed, because he knows he was in the park with Mark for more than an hour, but it doesn’t feel like it was even close to that long. He doesn’t know what he said to Mark, or if he even said anything at all. He remembers only a little of what Mark said to him—soothing things, reassuring things. Things to get him to calm down. They didn’t leave the park until he’d stopped crying. Shotaro was just sitting cross-legged on a park bench waiting for them. Jaemin’s shirt stuck to his back. His head hurt. Mark had an arm around his waist. It was so fucking hot, too hot for the middle of the night. Shotaro had directions back to Yuta’s place open on his phone. None of them actually knew where they were. Shotaro led the way back, a few steps ahead of Mark and Jaemin. Mark stayed glued to Jaemin’s side. No one really said anything until they were back in Yuta’s front yard. Jeno’s car was still parked on the road. Jaemin grabbed Mark’s wrist.

“Mark, I…” I don’t think I can face him again. I don’t think I can look him in the eye. “I don’t think I can go back in there.”

“You don’t have to,” Mark said. “I left my car keys sitting on Yuta’s coffee table. Just wait out here while I get them, and then I’ll take you home, okay?”

Mark’s voice was so low and gentle. It made Jaemin want to cry again. He nodded instead and let Mark walk away. Shotaro was still there, and he smiled sadly at Jaemin and opened his arms and quietly said, “I’m so sorry, Nana” when Jaemin stepped into his embrace. The nickname burned a little, but that wasn’t Shotaro’s fault.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Jaemin said.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t make him shut the fuck up,” Shotaro said, and it made Jaemin laugh a little.

“You can’t blame yourself for that. You shouldn’t have had to make him shut up.”

“Still. I’m just really sorry all of this happened.”

“Yeah.” Jaemin was too. He was tired and cried out, and there was a numbness creeping in and taking hold of him. He didn’t know what the fuck he did to Jeno, why Jeno was so mad at him. It would’ve been easy to blame it on the amount of alcohol Jeno had consumed—Jaemin knew Jeno was drunk—but Jaemin had never seen Jeno get so angry unprovoked like that, drunk or not. Jaemin loved Jeno, but the boy who had been in Yuta’s backyard with him…that was someone Jaemin didn’t even recognize.

Jaemin and Shotaro split up, and Mark came back outside after a few more moments looking confused and distracted.

“So, um,” he said, “Jeno’s gone.”

“He left?” Shotaro asked.

“In more ways than one, it sounds like. I guess he left right after the three of us did, and then Donghyuck volunteered to go see if he could find him. Donghyuck called Doyoung a little while ago and told him that Jeno left and he didn’t know where he was going and Donghyuck was going home. So now nobody really knows where the fuck Jeno is.”

So Jeno had run off after all.

“Seriously?” Shotaro asked, frowning.

“He’s not answering texts or calls. Jihyo and Doyoung went to Jeno and Renjun’s place just to be sure, and he’s not there.”

It should’ve concerned Jaemin more. Something serious could’ve happened to him. And it wasn’t that Jaemin didn’t care about that possibility, it was just that he doubted it. Jeno was hiding from them, either because he was still pissed or because he was ashamed. Depending on that, he’d have to either calm down or get control of his guilt, and then he’d come back and they’d have to deal with what he’d done.

Jaemin was right about the hiding. He was wrong about Jeno coming back.

There are more bits and pieces of that night that Jaemin remembers. Renjun was a mess, terrified of all the worse case scenarios, sure that Jeno was lying dead in a ditch somewhere. Doyoung had a little more composure, but Jaemin could tell he was worried too. Jisung was pissed and so was Mark, but strangely enough, who Jaemin really remembers is Chenle. He wasn’t angry, not that night, not yet. Chenle’s been breathing fire about Jeno for a long time, but that night he wasn’t. That night, Chenle was shaken, almost lost. He followed Renjun around Yuta’s house, trying to comfort him, but there was distance in his eyes, something vaguely stricken about his expression. Jaemin thought he was just worried about Jeno too. Later he learned that that wasn’t what it was. Chenle knew what Jaemin didn’t yet. He knew why all of this had happened. So he probably knew just as well as Jaemin did that Jeno wasn’t going to be coming back that night.

No one but Doyoung ever heard from Jeno. Not that night, and not on any of the days or nights that followed. As time passed, and they found out that Jeno was in fact still alive and okay, and any lingering concern turned to anger, Mark, Renjun, Donghyuck, Shotaro, Chenle, and Jisung must’ve sent hundreds of messages to him and left him just as many voicemails. Jaemin understood. Jeno was barely even speaking to Doyoung, and they didn’t know where the fuck they stood as a band. Jeno told Doyoung he was done, but no one believed him. Well, almost no one believed him. Jaemin didn’t. Running away wasn’t like Jeno. Jaemin figured he’d be back sooner or later. Jaemin did not call, did not text. Not even to yell at him. Looking back now, Jaemin thinks Jeno might’ve actually replied to him, but at that time he didn’t really see the point. That numbness still had a grip on him. All the pain he should’ve been feeling about potentially losing his best friend was being directed towards other things, leaving him with very little to spare for Jeno. It would come eventually with a devastating intensity, but in that immediate aftermath, it was absent.

The truth—the truth that Jaemin’s hardly been able to admit to himself, let alone anyone else—was that the longer Jeno was gone, the harder it was for Jaemin to give a shit if he came back. He wasn’t hoping he wouldn’t, but every day they didn’t hear from him Jaemin’s disgust grew. If Jeno had an issue with Jaemin, then they could sort it out themselves, but he didn’t need to ignore the others. He didn’t need to ignore his boyfriend.

He didn’t need to run away.

Jaemin didn’t vote for Jeno to come on tour because he wanted him to. To be completely honest, he doesn’t really know why he voted for Jeno to come. For the longtime fans, maybe, or for Doyoung. Or maybe for something that’s a lot harder to explain, a feeling he’s not quite sure anyone else is experiencing, like Jeno’s a nail in the tires of the tour buses, with them everywhere they go and constantly leaking air. It’s a problem that can’t be fixed if they all keep ignoring it.

But ignoring it was a lot fucking easier.

Chapter Text

Jeno is back in Wisconsin for the third time near the end of February. He’d been busting his ass all month in Korea; Guanheng knew a guy who knew a guy who knew a guy who had a guitar Jeno could borrow. It was a pretty shitty guitar, but it was better than nothing. Jeno wanted as much practice time as he could get before he even attempted to play with the boys again. He’d returned home with a list of songs off the Neos’ first three albums that they were likely to play while on tour, all songs that Jeno had played before, of course. Actual fully notated sheet music had never been written for any of the songs, because the boys always just knew what they were doing and Mark could give them the bare minimum and they’d figure it out from there, meaning Jeno’s going mostly off of memory and what he can find online. He’s not as bad as he thought he would be, but he’s definitely fucking rusty. He’s not going to be whipping out any solos anytime soon. But he can’t deny that it feels good to have a guitar in his hands again.

Another good thing is that once he’s back with the Neos, they’re so focused on rehearsing that they barely have any time to be mad at him. In fact, for the most part, everyone’s polite and professional. Chenle’s the worst of them, which is still surprising to Jeno. Even Renjun isn’t giving him quite as cold a shoulder. And then there’s Jaemin. Jaemin’s nice but he still doesn’t say much while Jeno’s around, and Jeno’s having a hard time reading him. That used to be so easy for him. He knew Jaemin like the back of his hand. Now…now he doesn’t know what he knows.

He tries not to focus on that too much, and instead tries to focus on the feeling he gets when he plays with the boys again for the first time in years. It’s just practice, and Mark and Shotaro are definitely far better than he is, but they’re patient with him and help him remember, and the Rickenbacker Mark loans him is definitely the best guitar he’s ever played. And playing with the boys again…it feels like this is what he was always meant to do.

It’s going to be very hard to walk away from this at the end of the tour.

They have a little get-together a few days before they’re supposed to be flying to London to start the first leg of the tour. It’s the same group that was at Jisung’s birthday party, and it’s also held at Mark and Jaemin’s house, probably because they have the most space. It’s pretty lowkey—at least in part because Yuta’s not actively trying to get anyone intoxicated. Jeno feels a little less isolated than he did at Jisung’s party. No one’s flat out ignoring him, not even Chenle. Out of the boys, Donghyuck and Shotaro talk to him the most, but Taeyong—who’s refusing to touch even a drop of alcohol tonight—is around a lot, and he gets better acquainted with some of the girls, particularly Chaeyoung, who is the technician in charge of all of Mark’s guitars, meaning she’ll be in charge of the one Jeno is playing too. It’s still clear that Renjun and Chenle aren’t happy with him, and Jisung, while not necessarily hostile, seems very jumpy whenever he and Jeno are in the same place. He’s been like that in rehearsal as well.

It’s better than Jisung’s birthday party. But it’s not the same as it once was. Jeno doesn’t know if it ever will be.

He ends up outside by himself after a couple hours, by his own choice. It’s still pretty chilly outside, winter certainly not over yet, but it’s not unbearable. It’s really quiet out here, hidden away in the trees, much quieter than Jeno’s used to. It’s not bad, though. He can see the appeal, especially for rockstars always hounded by adoring fans. For rockstars like Mark and Jaemin, who were never really the types for fame.

He hasn’t been out there very long—maybe ten minutes—just sitting on the front step when the door opens. He can hear laughing and music inside and footsteps right next to him, but he doesn’t look to see who it is until they sit down next to him.

“So this is where you disappeared to,” Donghyuck says. Jeno’s not really surprised it’s him. “Everything okay?”

Jeno shrugs. “Fine. Just needed a minute to myself, I guess.”

“Outside in winter? You’re lucky Mark and Jaemin sweep this step off, or your ass would be so wet right now.”

“I wouldn’t sit down directly into snow, Donghyuck.”

“Well, that’s good to know.”

Jeno hums. Donghyuck pulls the sleeves of coat down around his hands. He’s not wearing gloves.

“You’re not out here hiding, are you?” he asks after a moment.

“No, Donghyuck. If I wanted to hide, I’d head for the trees.”

“That’s good. That you’re not hiding, I mean. I really think they’re warming up to you. Renjun’s madder at me tonight than he is at you.”

Jeno scoffs. “I don’t know about that. What the hell is going on with you and the others, anyway?”

“Oh, you know.” Donghyuck makes a dismissive gesture. “Families fight. It’s not a big deal.”

“No?”

Donghyuck shakes his head firmly. “Nope.”

“Then why are you sitting out here with me?”

Donghyuck looks at him out of the corner of his eye and smiles slowly. “I’m not hiding either, Jeno. I can face my band mates when they’re mad at me. I put up with you for three years, didn’t I?”

Jeno looks out at the trees even though it’s hard to see past the circle of illumination given off by the light by the front door. He bites his tongue so he doesn’t respond too fast.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Hyuck.”

Donghyuck snorts. “You have never called me Hyuck in your life.”

Jeno frowns. “That’s—that’s not true—”

“Yes, it is. You have never called me anything but Donghyuck. Well, you’ve called me, like, asshole and dickhead and stuff, but you’ve never called me Hyuck.”

That hardly seems possible. Jeno knows he’s guilty as charged with the insults—but Donghyuck threw just as many back at him—but Jeno can’t imagine he’s never called Donghyuck anything other than his name in a civil situation. But he can’t really prove Donghyuck wrong, either.

“Why does it matter?” he asks.

“It doesn’t. Just don’t pull out the nicknames to dodge the fact that you’ve never liked me.”

“What the fuck, Donghyuck, of course I like you.”

“No, you don’t. You never have. You tolerated me when I joined the band, but that’s different. You’ve never liked me.”

Jeno opens his mouth to deny it again, but something stops him. He looks at Donghyuck and sees certainty on his face. He’s not going to believe anything Jeno says that contradicts what he already feels. So instead, Jeno says, “What about you? Have you ever liked me?”

There’s a second before Donghyuck smiles, just barely noticeable. “Oh, Jeno. What does it matter?”

Jeno shakes his head. “I’m gonna be honest with you. I really don’t get you.”

“What don’t you get?”

“You. This. You acting like you’re my best friend now. You acting like you’re not even mad.”

“Why would I be mad, Jeno? It’s good to see you again, good to have you back.”

“That’s funny, Donghyuck, because you were the one who told me not to come back.”

That leaves Donghyuck searching for words. He opens and closes his mouth a couple times before he says, somewhat awkwardly, “Oh, that? You took that seriously?”

“Yeah, Donghyuck. Yeah, I did.”

“Oh, come on, that was—you know—heat of the moment.”

“That’s all it was?” Jeno’s doubtful. Donghyuck looks at him like he’s looking for something specific. Jeno waits.

“Would you have come back on your own if I hadn’t said that?”

Jeno looks at the beer in his hand. He doesn’t want to lie, but he doesn’t want to tell the truth, either. He doesn’t say anything.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Donghyuck says. “A lot of time has passed since then, Jeno. But not much has changed, has it? You’re still in love with Jaemin. You still don’t like me. And you still don’t know how to handle what happened.”

“I don’t not like you.”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “Whatever you say, Jeno-yah. I’m cold. I’m going back inside. You should come back in, too. Everyone will be wondering where you went.”

But will they care?

“I’ll be in in a minute.”

Donghyuck gets up. “Okay. But I’ll come back out and drag you in if you take too long.”

“I’m really terrified.”

Donghyuck snickers before going inside. Not even two minutes pass before the door opens again, and Jeno sighs.

“Already?” he asks.

“Already what?”

Jeno turns so fast he could give himself whiplash. It’s not Donghyuck who’s here, coming to make good on his threat. It’s Jaemin.

“Hey,” Jaemin says.

“Hey,” Jeno replies. He must look like an idiot, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. His heartbeat has picked up. His palms feel sweaty in spite of the cold. Jaemin still makes him so fucking nervous.

Jaemin sits down next to him, a little farther away than Donghyuck was, and Jeno doesn’t dare try to move closer. He has a red solo cup in one of his hands, and Jeno’s sure whatever’s in it isn’t alcohol. His face is neutral, and he’s looking straight forward. Jeno’s been in a scene very similar to this before.

(“What are you doing sitting here in the yard?” Jaemin asked with a laugh. “It’s a million fucking degrees out here.”)

But Jeno’s not drunk like he was then. He’s been nursing the same beer all night. He’s not angry like he was.

“Donghyuck said you were out here,” Jaemin says. “Got sick of us?”

“What? No. No, of course not.” Jeno’s too insistent. He spoke too fast. There’s amusement on Jaemin’s face. More calmly, Jeno says, “I’m not sick of you guys. I’m just…getting some air.”

(“Just getting some air,” Jeno said. “That’s all.”)

“Ah.”

Jeno tries not to cringe. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that. He wonders if Jaemin remembers as much from that night as he does. Maybe he remembers more, he was the one who was sober. That’s an unsettling thought, actually, that there might be stuff about that night that Jeno doesn’t remember. He doesn’t think he was that drunk.

“Jaemin, I…” Jeno’s words get caught in his throat. He doesn’t even know where to begin. There’s so much he wants to say to Jaemin, so much he should’ve said a long time ago. Jaemin waits, impassive, like Jeno hasn’t said anything at all. “I’m sorry, Jaemin. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Jaemin looks to the sky. “Yeah.”

“Everything—everything I said that night was uncalled for. I was drunk and angry, but that’s no excuse. What I did, it—it was really fucked up, and I’m sorry.”

Jaemin doesn’t react at all to anything he said. He’s so unresponsive that for a moment Jeno thinks this is another one of the dreams he has where he can’t get any sort of reaction out of Jaemin no matter what he says or does. Finally, after what feels like hours, Jaemin turns his head to look at Jeno and says, “You could’ve told me.”

It takes Jeno a moment to figure out what he’s talking about. Because Jeno told Jaemin everything. Everything but that.

“I didn’t want you to see me differently.”

Jaemin nods slowly. “Yeah. I guess I can understand that.”

Jeno can hear the sense of irony in Jaemin’s voice. “I’m sorry.”

“You could’ve told me to shut up, too. I know. I talked about Mark a lot. You could’ve told me you were sick of hearing about him. You wouldn’t have even had to tell me the truth.”

It wouldn’t have mattered, Jeno thinks. Because the things Jaemin said were only half of the issue, maybe even less than half, because actions speak louder than words. He can’t tell Jaemin that. He doesn’t want to make him feel bad.

“There were a lot of things I could’ve done. I wasn’t thinking about any of that. I was thinking about myself. But I never meant to hurt you.”

Jaemin nods again, still just as slow, before he looks at the cup he’s holding. His expression is very hard to read, but Jeno thinks he looks a little sadder than he did when he first came out here. Jeno thinks that might be all the response he gets, but he didn’t expect Jaemin to be eagerly waiting to forgive him.

“It’s a nice house,” Jeno says to avoid falling into uncomfortable silence. “The studio’s impressive.”

“Mark’s idea. Now we can record whenever we want to.”

“Must be nice.”

“It is.”

“Oh. Good.” Jeno hopes that Jaemin can’t tell that he’s dying of discomfort on the inside. It has never been this hard for him to talk to Jaemin. He clears his throat and says, “So, you’re a pretty accomplished songwriter now.”

“Only because Mark made me his partner. But that’s kinda cool because he has all these insane but incredible ideas and I always get partial credit.”

“I don’t believe that. You were good, Jaemin, better than you ever gave yourself credit for. That’s why Mark made you his partner.”

Jaemin smiles wryly. “Yeah, well, that partnership is a verbal agreement only, so I can’t wait to see the litigation in about twenty years.”

Jeno chuckles. “You and Mark wouldn’t do that to each other.”

Thoughtfully, Jaemin says, “No, I don’t think we would.”

Jeno nods. Hesitantly, he asks, “How have you been, Jaemin?”

He hasn’t had the time to ask. All he’s really been doing with the Neos is practicing, so he hasn’t had much one-on-one time with anyone but Donghyuck, and Mark and Shotaro to some extent. And Jaemin’s been so, so quiet around him. Like Jeno’s getting the interviewer treatment.

“Okay. Busy. You?”

“I’ve been okay, too.” I’ve been missing you. “I guess I should congratulate you guys. You’ve done way more than we ever thought at the beginning.”

All without Jeno.

“Thanks, but I think a lot of it was luck. And Doyoung.”

“Doyoung doesn’t write or perform the music.”

“No, but him nagging is really good motivation to get shit done. It got you to finally talk to us again, didn’t it?”

Jaemin doesn’t sound angry or accusatory, and he’s making a fair point, so Jeno fights against his knee-jerk reaction to get defensive.

“I’m sorry about that. I figured none of you would want to talk to me. And I think I was right about some of you.”

“If I remember correctly, you said you didn’t want to talk to us.”

Jeno pauses. “Jae—Jaemin…”

Jaemin looks back out toward the trees. “‘Tell them to stop calling. I’m not gonna talk to them. There’s nothing to talk about.’”

That’s not what Jeno was expecting to hear. He knows those words, though, he’s the one who first said them, or something close enough to them. All those years ago, to Doyoung. During the biggest fight Jeno has ever had with him.

“Doyoung told you that?”

Jaemin frowns, confused. “You told him to tell us that. Was he not supposed to?”

“Uh.”

That is what Jeno wanted at the time. He felt like his phone was blowing up every day at all hours, and he just wanted it to stop, but he couldn’t bring himself to block the numbers.

“It doesn’t really matter. Yuta and Shotaro heard you.”

Right. Yuta and Shotaro were there too, though Jeno never saw them.

He didn’t want to see them.

Jeno makes a noise of acknowledgement because he doesn’t know what to say to that. He takes a sip of his beer. It’s been lukewarm for a while now. He risks a sideways glance at Jaemin, and he’s just dragging his pointer finger in circles around the rim of his cup. Jeno can picture the way he was at just a few days shy of twenty. Happy and pretty and so deeply, deeply in love.

“Jeno?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

Jeno looks at Jaemin straight on, but he’s staring at his cup as his finger goes around and around. “For what?”

“For hurting you. And for not knowing I was doing it.”

Jeno’s jaw drops a little as he desperately searches for words, but for some reason, once again, he can’t find any. Jaemin turns his head and gives him a tiny, tired smile.

“Don’t stay out here all night,” he says. “Your face is all red.”

Without another word, Jaemin gets up and goes back inside. Jeno watches him go, feeling like he should say something to stop him, but he doesn’t know if there’s anything that can be said. He’ll have more time to talk to Jaemin in the future anyway, he hopes. He stays out on the front step for another few minutes before he goes back in, and Taeyong sees him immediately and drags him into some disagreement he’s having with Doyoung that Jeno honestly only sort of understands. He takes Taeyong’s side just to piss Doyoung off, and out of the corner of his eye he can see Jaemin’s made his way to Mark. Like a moth to a flame. They’re in their own little world together, talking only to each other.

Jeno can picture the way Jaemin was at just a few days shy of twenty, on the third anniversary of the band, but he can picture the way he himself was then, too. There’s a dark and twisted feeling that no amount of time could dispel, and Jeno still knows it well. If it had a name, Jeno thinks it would be Mark Lee. Distance made it easier to ignore.

Jeno loves Mark. Loves him like a brother, even now, even after all the time they’ve been apart. Dependable Mark, kind Mark, goofy Mark, impossible to hate. Impossible.

But maybe, maybe sometimes…maybe sometimes it’s not that impossible at all.

It was their first year of high school, and Jaemin and Jeno liked each other. They’d never told each other, but they didn’t need to. While many of their classmates were starting to test the dating waters, Jaemin and Jeno were perfectly content sticking with each other. Jeno knew that what he felt towards Jaemin was more than friendship, but he didn’t want to rush anything, and he didn’t want to make Jaemin a target. They didn’t grow up in a huge town, or in an overwhelmingly accepting one. He knew some kids already talked about them, already wondered if they were really just friends, but wondering was a lot different from knowing. Jeno wasn’t in a hurry, anyway. He was still just a teenager and had his whole life ahead of him. And Jaemin surely wasn’t going anywhere. If their amateur little band ever actually took off, Jeno and Jaemin could be together forever. And even if it didn’t, even if they both had to find something else to do with their lives, Jeno knew they’d stay with each other. What they had was enough for the time being. There was plenty of time left to figure everything out. Together.

It was their first year of high school, and Jeno knew Jaemin liked him too. He knew, because he heard it. He was looking for Jaemin in the school library—the go-to place during school hours for Jeno, Jaemin, Mark, and Renjun to pretend to work—and he heard him before he saw him, his view blocked by bookshelves. He figured either Mark or Renjun was there with him, but he stopped in his tracks when he heard Lee Donghyuck’s voice. He could tell Jaemin was irritated with only a few more words, and he was ready to go tell Donghyuck to get lost, but what Donghyuck said made him stay where he was.

“Oh, come on, why don’t you tell him?” Donghyuck nearly whined.

“It’s none of your business, Donghyuck,” Jaemin said.

“But you like him, don’t you?”

“Can you keep your fucking voice down? I don’t need the whole school knowing about this.”

“No one’s listening to us, Nana.”

“Please don’t call me that.”

“Why? Everyone calls you that.”

“My friends call me that.”

“We’re not friends? You’re so mean to me, Nana, I swear.”

Jeno clenched his jaw, once again ready to step in to make Donghyuck go away—and stop calling Jaemin “Nana”—but Donghyuck kept talking.

“I think you should tell him. ‘Lee Jaemin’ sounds nice, don’t you think so?”

“Donghyuck, shut up.”

Lee Jaemin. Lee fucking Jaemin. Donghyuck was right for once, it did sound nice. It sounded better than nice, it sounded fucking fantastic. Jeno was way too young and hormonal to be thinking what he was, to be picturing marrying Jaemin and giving him his family name, but he was doing it. He was thinking about buying a house with Jaemin, growing old with Jaemin, sharing a life with Jaemin. And it made perfect sense to him.

“Give me one good reason why you won’t tell him,” Donghyuck said, getting Jeno out of his thoughts.

“I can give you three good reasons, just off the top of my head,” Jaemin said. “One: he’s a boy. Two: he’s straight. Three: he’s my friend.”

“Besides those?”

“Oh my God.”

Jeno figured it was probably time for him to really put an end to this. He’d been eavesdropping long enough. But as annoying as Donghyuck was being, Jeno couldn’t help the joy he was feeling. Jaemin liked him. He’d thought so, but now he was sure.

“Hey, Nana,” Jeno said loudly, accepting the scolding he immediately got from the librarian. Jaemin and Donghyuck both stuck their heads out from behind one of the bookshelves. Jaemin’s eyes were wide, and Donghyuck was grinning smugly.

“Jeno?” Jaemin said nervously.

“Hi, Jeno,” Donghyuck said. “Jaemin and I were just talking. Maybe you want to give your opin—ow!”

Jeno didn’t see what exactly Jaemin did, but Donghyuck stepped away from him, rubbing his arm.

“Go away, Donghyuck,” Jeno said.

Donghyuck pouted. “You’re both so mean. Whatever. I’m gonna go somewhere where I won’t be bullied.”

Donghyuck walked away, and Jeno heard Jaemin exhale in relief.

“What was that about?” Jeno asked, like he had no idea.

“Nothing,” Jaemin said. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Hey. You know you can tell me, right?”

For a second, Jeno thought Jaemin was going to do it, was going to tell him everything. Then something shifted in his expression and he only nodded. “I know,” he said. “But really, it was nothing. He was just trying to stop me from getting stuff done.”

That may have been true, but Jeno knew there was more to it. But that was okay. Jaemin wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, wasn’t ready to tell him. Jeno could be patient, Jeno could wait. Jaemin could take all the time he needed. Jeno would be there when he was ready.

Mark and Renjun turned up shortly after, both of them blissfully unaware of what Jeno was now one hundred percent sure of, and he kind of liked that. They didn’t need to know, not yet. One day. If Jeno could be patient, so could they.

It was their first year of high school, and Jaemin and Jeno liked each other. Sooner or later, they’d tell each other, but for now, they’d stay the way they were. They’d get a little bit older, a little surer of themselves, and then they’d take the next step. What they already had was good, anyway. What they already had was perfect for them.

It was their first year of high school, and Jaemin and Jeno were going to end up together. Of that, Jeno was sure.

It’s past three in the morning, and the youngest of the Neos sits in a corner of Mark Lee and Jaemin Na’s living room, surveying the wreckage. Only the seven Neos remain; everyone else has gone home. Jaemin’s asleep, half on the couch, half on Mark, who seems very tense and not like himself. Chenle’s lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, and Shotaro’s curled up in an armchair, scrolling through his phone. Finally, Renjun and Donghyuck are in the middle of the room fighting, which they’ve been doing off and on for the entire night. No one’s started throwing punches, but that’s not really their style. By this point they’re just insulting each other, and everyone knows there’s no point trying to get in between them. It’ll only delay the eventual tearful reconciliation.

Jisung hopes there will be a tearful reconciliation, at least. Things haven’t been the way they should be. He wants to say this started recently, but he doesn’t think that’s true. He thinks things haven’t been the way they should be for a long time. Maybe since Jeno left. At first, he thought that idea was ridiculous, but the more he thinks about it…it’s been a very slow boil, but a boil nonetheless. Jeno returning just upped the heat. Now all the things that aren’t the way they should be are impossible to ignore. Jisung’s stomach hurts. His stomach hurts a lot these days. Like it did that night, that week, that month, that year. Nothing’s been the same since then.

Mark’s had enough of the show. Gently, he rouses Jaemin, who looks around tiredly before sagging back against Mark. Mark stiffens, so slight Jisung wouldn’t have noticed it if he hadn’t been looking for it. He relaxes and gets Jaemin to his feet, guiding him out of the living room. A few minutes later, Jisung’s phone buzzes.

Markly

Jaemin won’t let me leave

If you guys ever go home tonight, make sure the doors are locked

Jisung looks up and inadvertently meets Shotaro’s eyes. Shotaro holds his phone up pointedly, and Jisung figures that means he got the same message. They probably all did. Shotaro makes a face, one Jisung doesn’t quite understand, but he thinks it has something to do with Mark and Jaemin, and maybe Donghyuck and Renjun, and maybe all of them. Maybe he can feel the boil too.

Jisung chews on his lower lip. He bites so hard he bleeds sometimes. Jaemin scolds him. Jisung can’t help it. Renjun and Donghyuck are getting nastier. Neither one of them has been quite the same since Jeno left. None of them have. Jisung hates that it’s like this, hates that he can’t go back and change anything. He wants to change things. He wants Chenle and Renjun to not be so angry, wants Donghyuck to be honest with them, wants Jaemin to stop pretending everything’s fine. He wants to not be the one responsible for it. But everything can be traced back to Jeno leaving, meaning everything can be traced back to him, to Jisung. He’s the reason all of this is happening.

It’s his fault Jeno left.

Chapter Text

It’s been a long time since Jeno’s been onstage, and he’s never been on a stage as grand as this. The Neos aren’t on yet. It’s still the show openers, another band with Korean roots called Black Mamba that Jeno’s vaguely familiar with. He thinks Yeeun listens to them, too. They’re pretty good, and Jeno knows the Neos will be good too, meaning he’s having a bit of a breakdown because he doesn’t know if he’ll be good. They’re starting off slow, just a couple songs in the middle of the set list, but Jeno’s nerves are bad enough you’d think he was about to perform a three-hour guitar solo with no practice or preparation beforehand. He doesn’t remember being this nervous back when he was still with the band, even at their first gigs or once they actually started touring. But the crowds were never this size back then. The Neos weren’t a household name. And, perhaps most importantly, Jeno was one of them. It doesn’t matter now that he used to be.

Oh, and he was a better guitar player back then. That’s pretty noteworthy, too.

Doyoung said Black Mamba would play for about forty-five minutes. Jeno’s been watching the clock. They’re at the thirty-eight minute mark now. The energy in the dressing room they’re all gathered in has been becoming steadily more palpable. Chenle’s jamming out to the music. Donghyuck’s tormenting all of them one by one under the guise of hyping them up. Jaemin’s beating up the backs of innocent chairs. Jeno’s pacing. He’s been pacing since the show started.

“Can you stop that?” Doyoung says. “You’re freaking me out.”

“I’m freaking you out?” Jeno asks. “What about my feelings?”

“It’s gonna be fine, Jeno. Just fake it and make Mark and Shotaro do all of the work.”

“You’re not helping.”

“It’s three songs. You’ve been doing really well in rehearsals. You’re going to be great. Now please, stop pacing.”

“Oh no, is Jeno feeling nervous?” Donghyuck asks, sliding up to Jeno’s side from out of nowhere. “Don’t worry, Jeno. We’ll make you sound good no matter how bad you are.”

“Jesus Christ,” Doyoung says under his breath.

“Thanks, Donghyuck,” Jeno says flatly. “That means a lot.”

Donghyuck laughs. “I’m just teasing you. You’re gonna be fine. The crowd will love you.”

When they arrived in London, there were fans everywhere waiting for them, and Jeno actually did hear a couple of them yelling his name. It was nothing compared to the roar for the rest of the boys, but it was more than Jeno was expecting. In a crowd the size of the one gathered for the Neos tonight, he supposes there have to be at least a few fans who remember him. A handful more who at least know who he is. But if anything, that’s just making him more nervous.

“I hope so,” he says.

The lead singer of Black Mamba is thanking the crowd for being such a receptive audience, a sure sign they’re about to start their final number. Jeno feels like every muscle in his body tenses just a little bit. He reminds himself that he doesn’t even have to go out onstage with the Neos right away, but that doesn’t really make him feel better.

“Dude, chill out,” Donghyuck says in a low voice, and he sounds more serious than Jeno’s heard him since he was still part of the band. “You’ve done this before.”

Not in years, Jeno wants to point out, but it’s not like Donghyuck doesn’t know that. Instead he nods, and tries to relax.

“Just imagine everyone in the audience as really cute dogs,” Donghyuck says. “Dogs will love you no matter what you do.”

Jeno raises his eyebrows. “Cute dogs?”

Donghyuck nods proudly. “Trust me.”

“Okay.”

“You don’t sound like you believe me. You’ll see.”

Donghyuck saunters off, finding Mark, who’s talking to Renjun, and wrapping his arms around him. Renjun rolls his eyes. Jeno still doesn’t really know what’s going on, but he knows Renjun and Donghyuck have been very short with each other, even more than they had been before the get-together the other night. Despite his curiosity, Jeno’s starting to think that the smart thing to do is just stay out of it.

Black Mamba finishes, and there’s a knock on the dressing room door before it opens and Sana sticks her head inside.

“You know what time it is,” she says.

“Let’s fucking do this,” Chenle says, and Jeno wishes he could have that confidence. He did once.

“Start us off strong, Markie,” Donghyuck says. All eyes fall on Mark, and he sighs.

“No one fall off the stage.”

“No one fall off the stage!” the other six members chorus happily. That’s a ritual that started after Jeno left but one he knows about from reading and watching various interviews. Before the start of every show, one member says something simple and inspirational to get them ready to go onstage, and all the others repeat it. Clearly they have a very broad definition of inspirational.

“Break a leg out there!” Doyoung says as all the boys file out of the dressing room, leaving him and Jeno alone. He smiles reassuringly at Jeno. “Don’t think too much. You know what you’re doing.”

Jeno’s not entirely sure that he does, actually, but he appreciates Doyoung’s faith in him. He watches the monitor in the room as equipment gets switched out and spots Chaeyoung fiddling with the amps. For perhaps the first time, this feels fully real. Jeno’s back.

The lights onstage dim, and the backing track for the Neos' entrance starts to play. Doyoung pumps his fist and cheers like he’s out with the crowd. Jeno tries to focus on the boys coming onstage and starting to play the intro that will take them into their first song, tries to breathe evenly and not think about what could go wrong. He tries to think only about the boys and how good they are, and how proud of them he is. The crowd erupts once the first song officially begins, and though Jeno knows the monitor doesn’t do the boys justice, he thinks he can feel some of the thrill.

“Good, aren’t they?” Doyoung asks, taking the words right out of Jeno’s mouth.

It’s actually easier than Jeno anticipated to get sucked up in the performance. All of the boys are such good performers, and there’s an obvious chemistry between all of them, even Donghyuck and Renjun. Watching them interact with each other onstage now, no one would ever know they’ve barely been speaking. Every few songs they pause to talk a little and crack jokes to the audience, and Jeno knows the audience is eating it all up. Jeno would be, too. Scratch that, Jeno is. Jeno’s seen plenty of videos of their performances before, but it’s different being here. It’s different hearing the only somewhat muffled screaming of the audience in person and the music through the venue sound system.

It’s different being a part of it.

Doyoung has the set list for tonight and he’s watching the songs, every so often telling Jeno how many are left until he goes on, and though it’s nice of him, Jeno thinks he has the set list memorized, and he knows Sana will come get him in time, anyway. They’ve all been over exactly how this concert is going to go a million times. If there’s anything Jeno is confident about, it’s that he won’t miss his entrance. Not accidentally, anyway.

As expected, Sana comes knocking on the door again as the boys start the last song before the three Jeno’s supposed to play with them on. She doesn’t even say anything, just smiles gently at him, and he nods and grabs the Rickenbacker.

“You’re gonna be great, Jeno,” Doyoung says.

“Thanks.” Jeno feels like he’s going to puke. Anywhere but onstage.

He follows Sana to the backstage area and gets a side view of the boys as they do their thing. There are a few other people out here, and he spots Chaeyoung. She meets his eyes after a second and gives him a thumbs up. Jeno tries to look like he has everything under control.

“Mark’s gonna introduce you,” Sana says, and Jeno already knows, “and then you’re on. Break a leg.”

The end of the song comes way too soon. He was hoping Mark would add a seven-minute solo or something. He does that sometimes. But the music ends and the audience cheers, and once some of their yelling and applause dies down, Mark says, “Okay, we’ve got kind of a special guest for you guys tonight. You might’ve of heard about it and some of you may remember him. Just in case anyone doesn’t know, we actually used to have eight members. It’s been a while since then, but since we’re touring for our tenth anniversary, we’ve decided to get the band back together. He’s a very, very skilled guitarist, and he’s back onstage for the first time in a long time tonight, so please give it up for founding member of the Neos, Lee Jeno!”

There’s more cheering from the audience, and it makes Jeno feel good even though there are probably plenty of people who barely know him or don’t know him at all and are only doing what Mark asked. Sana smiles at him again and nods encouragingly, and Jeno takes one last deep breath before he walks out onstage.

He’d forgotten what it’s like to be under stagelights. He feels almost blinded coming from the relative darkness of backstage. All the boys are clapping for him themselves, and there’s no sign of any animosity towards him on any of their faces. Maybe they all should’ve been actors. Jeno goes to Mark’s side where there’s a mic set up for him, paying close attention to where he puts his feet. Mark’s words are coming back to him at maybe the worst moment for them: No one fall off the stage.

Renjun starts to introduce the next song, talking about how it comes from the early days of their career. Jeno really, really wants him to ramble. His nerves are controlling him, and he’s not sure how he’s going to be able to play like this. He catches Donghyuck’s eyes almost on accident, and Donghyuck raises his eyebrows and gives him a grin. Jeno turns his head to look at the crowd, and tentatively tries to picture playing to a bunch of cute dogs.

Huh. Not the worst idea, actually. If nothing else, at least now Jeno’s thinking about dogs instead of falling off the stage.

Renjun finishes talking, and that’s Jeno’s cue to stop thinking about anything but what he’s here to do. Just three songs, he can do this. It’s just a bunch of really cute dogs watching him, and dogs don’t judge.

The song starts, and Jeno gets lost in the sounds of the crowd. The cheering, the screaming, the people singing along, the ones who know every word…it’s intoxicating. He’s fucking missed this. This…this is what he was meant to do.

Too bad he fucked it all up.

The first song transitions into the second, and Jeno’s not going to say this is the best performance he’s ever given, at least on a technical level, but he holds his own. Donghyuck comes over to him a couple times, like he does with the other members because Donghyuck couldn’t stand still onstage for one second if his life depended on it. It’s not a bad thing. It’s part of what makes him such a good performer.

(“He’s not tied to a keyboard like Renjun and I are,” Chenle said. “He can work the crowd more if he can move around more.”)

The audience loves them, maybe even loves Jeno, too.

There’s one strange moment when Jeno feels very aware that maybe somewhere, in some other universe, this has been his life all along.

He’s almost taken by surprise when they get to the third song. His time’s almost up. Disappointment swells in him, but he reminds himself that this is only the first show. He still has time, lots of it. Time to improve. Hopefully time to play on even more songs.

And not even twenty minutes ago he was so terrified of coming out onstage. Doyoung is definitely going to make fun of him.

The third song comes to a finish, and Mark gestures Jeno’s way and says, “Give it up one more time for Lee Jeno!”

Jeno bows as the audience applauds, but he keeps it short. There’s still about half of a show left to perform. Mark pats him on the back as he starts to head offstage, and Donghyuck surprises him with a hug that a few people in the crowd seem to really enjoy. Sana’s waiting right where she was when Jeno went onstage.

“Good job!” she says.

“Thanks,” he replies.

“It was good to see you all out onstage together again.”

It felt good for Jeno to be back out there, too.

Yuta has joined Doyoung in the dressing room, and they both cheer as loud as they can when Jeno walks in. It’s a little embarrassing, but Jeno appreciates it nonetheless.

“You were great!” Doyoung says. “If you screwed anything up, I couldn’t tell.”

“Same here,” Yuta agrees.

“Thanks,” Jeno says with a laugh. He’s still buzzing, and he probably will be for a while. This is a type of adrenaline rush that he’s never felt doing anything else.

“How do you feel?” Doyoung asks.

“Good,” Jeno answers. “Really good.”

“And you were worried.”

Just as Jeno expected. He rolls his eyes and shakes his head, but he can’t help but laugh again.

“I know, I know. You’re always right.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ, Jeno, don’t say that,” Yuta protests. “You’ll only make him more insufferable.”

“Shut up!” Doyoung says, but he looks like he’s one more gentle insult away from kicking his feet and giggling like a schoolgirl. Once he remembers Jeno’s still there, he looks at him and says, “Seriously, though. You did good.”

“Thank you.”

They watch the rest of the concert on the monitor, and Sana comes back to get him during encore so he can join the boys one more time for a final bow. As he waits backstage, he gets a glimpse of another ritual, and this one dates back to before Jeno left. At the end of every show, Mark helps Jaemin down from the platform where his drum set sits. Jaemin doesn’t need it, he could certainly get down by himself, but Mark does it regardless, always Mark.

Jeno doesn’t think about it. He goes back onstage when the boys beckon for him and takes a bow. It takes another five minutes for the boys to get off the stage, they’re so caught up in expressing their gratitude to the fans and waving goodbye. As soon as they’re off, there’s a whole mob of people descending upon them to tell them they did well. Jeno intends to slip away back to the dressing room, but he’s stopped by a multitude of crew members he doesn’t really know, all of them saying many of the same things to him that they’re saying to the other boys. It’s a little flattering.

He and the other boys do make it back to the dressing room eventually, and Doyoung and Yuta cheer again just as they did when Jeno returned after his time onstage. There’s only a little time for celebration before the boys start discussing what they did and didn’t like about the performance, and things they’d liked to tweak for the next shows, and Jeno stays quiet and lets them talk. The instrument techs come in eventually and talk a little with their respective band member, and Chaeyoung even checks in with Jeno even though there’s not much to discuss. After that, Doyoung starts chasing them all around so they can leave for the hotel. This was only the first of three shows in the area.

Jeno leaves the venue in high spirits. Maybe it’s silly, but being back onstage again, he feels almost like he’s returned home.

Donghyuck orders room service. That’s good. Jeno’s starving.

Jeno was not surprised at all when Donghyuck told him they were going to be roommates, even though that rarely happened when Jeno was part of the band, unless there were more than two of them sharing a room. But Jeno can see that Donghyuck’s going to be his new best friend, whether he likes it or not.

They both showered before the food came. (“I get the shower first,” Donghyuck said as soon as they were inside the room. “I was onstage a lot longer than you were.” He batted his eyelashes at Jeno. “Unless you’d care to join me.” Jeno rolled his eyes and didn’t reply.) Jeno’s still feeling pretty good, though his mood took a little bit of a hit in the hotel hallway as the boys were all going to their rooms. They all congratulated each other on a show well done one more time, and almost everyone included Jeno. He even got half a smile out of Renjun. All he got out of Chenle, however, was a “Whatever, dude” before he disappeared into the room he’s sharing with Jisung. Chenle’s never been one to gush, but still. It sticks with Jeno, and it must show on his face, because just as he and Donghyuck are sitting down to eat, Donghyuck raises one eyebrow and asks, “What’s on your mind, Jeno-yah?”

“Chenle, like, really hates me,” Jeno responds, already figuring Donghyuck’s not going to give up.

Donghyuck snorts. “He doesn’t hate you. He doesn’t like you, but he doesn’t hate you.”

“My mistake.”

“It’s Chenle, Jeno. What were you expecting?”

“To tell you the truth, I wasn’t expecting Chenle to be the one who’s the maddest at me.”

Donghyuck smiles, and it looks a little condescending. “That was your mistake. You should’ve known. Renjun’s his favorite.”

“Huh?”

“We’re just like the fans, Jeno. Everyone has a favorite in the band. Renjun is Chenle’s, no matter how much he’d like to pretend he’s not.”

“I thought Jisung was Chenle’s favorite.”

“You know, I can see why you’d think that, considering they still live together, but it’s definitely Renjun. Chenle’s Renjun’s favorite, too, though. Used to be you.”

Jeno didn’t need Donghyuck to tell him that. He was Renjun’s boyfriend once.

It wasn’t Renjun’s favoritism he wanted, though.

“Everyone has a favorite, huh?” Jeno says. Donghyuck nods. “So, Mark and Jaemin…”

“Do you really have to ask?”

No. Jeno’s never had to ask. They’re together right now, just a few rooms over. They’ve been together the whole time Jeno’s been gone.

“So, do you, Taro, and Jisung have some kind of love triangle thing going on, then?” Jeno asks, before his thoughts drift to places he has trouble getting them back from.

“Oh, please. Every time Jisung starts talking about how much he hates all of us, we all know Shotaro gets a pass. Shotaro dotes on Jisung as much as Jaemin does, and Jisung lets him. Shotaro was friends with Jisung before he was friends with any of the rest of us.”

Jeno considers that. “Okay. But who’s your favorite, then?”

“My favorite is me, Jeno. Which makes me the smartest out of all of us.”

He seems so confident and self-assured, cocky even, but Jeno thinks he can sense something else, too, something a little more vulnerable. But it’s Donghyuck, so it’s very hard to tell.

“So Chenle hates me because Renjun’s his favorite and we broke up.”

Donghyuck sighs. “He doesn’t hate you. And you should cut him some slack. He’s a smart boy. Had you figured out before most of the band did.”

Jeno doesn’t ask what he means. He figures he knows. Chenle knew he was in love with Jaemin before the others. Jeno remembers something Renjun said when he went to Renjun’s house, about how they had that conversation a long time ago.

“Did he tell everyone?”

Donghyuck doesn’t answer right away. He takes his time chewing the bite of food he’s just taken, swallowing before he says, “No, that was me.”

Donghyuck just keeps eating like he said something unimportant, like Jeno’s not struggling to figure out how to react. He’d already been thinking they hadn’t all figured it out on their own, that at least some of them may have had to hear it from someone else, but having it confirmed so blatantly…he feels almost betrayed somehow.

But that’s really unfair.

“Oh,” he says quietly.

“I didn’t actually know for sure until that night, and I don’t think Chenle did either. But after you left…it made sense, you know? Not to most of the others, because they were asking the wrong question. Everyone was all worked up about why you blew up at Jaemin like that, but that’s not what they should’ve been asking. Or that’s not the only thing they should’ve been asking.”

“What else should they have been asking?”

Donghyuck looks pleased Jeno asked. “Why you had been being such an asshole to Mark since his birthday.”

Jeno looks down at his lap. Fuck, Mark’s birthday. Only slightly less painful a memory than the third anniversary party.

“Kinda easy to forget after the show with Jaemin and then you bailing on everyone,” Donghyuck says, “but I remembered. It kinda gave you away.”

Jeno does remember the way he acted towards Mark in the final days before he left. Donghyuck’s right, it is easy to forget, even for Jeno, when compared to what happened with Jaemin, but things went south with Mark first.

“Right.”

“So, yeah, I told them. It didn’t seem like you were going to.”

Jeno thinks he might know exactly when, too. There was one week after Jeno left. One week before Renjun stopped calling, stopped texting. The other five still made attempts, but Renjun didn’t try anymore. At the time, Jeno figured he just got fed up. But now…now he thinks that’s probably when he knew.

Jeno remembers, because the last of the messages came on Jaemin’s birthday. In the afternoon.

Donghyuck could’ve told them all on Jaemin’s birthday.

Jeno almost asks. There’s a voice in his head that’s livid, yelling: Did you tell them, did you do that to Jaemin on his birthday? For some reason, he just can’t force the words out.

“I guess you got me there,” he says grudgingly instead. He wants to know why Donghyuck thought it was his business to tell anyone at all, but that’s so, so unfair. He had to, Jeno thinks to himself, and tries to believe it. Jeno left him no other choice.

If he hadn’t, Doyoung would’ve.

Jeno had just been lying to himself ever even considering that they might not know.

“I’m sure that felt good,” Jeno says. “You never liked me, either, did you?”

Donghyuck leans back in his chair. He’s still smiling. He’s always smiling, so secretive and smug, like he knows something no one else does.

“I thought you didn’t know,” he says. “So we’re gonna be honest now?”

“We might as well be.”

Donghyuck laughs quietly. Jeno doesn’t know what he finds funny.

“I tried, Jeno. I wanted to be your friend. But you didn’t want to be anything more than my band mate.”

“So…what? Do you get a kick out of now being the only one willing to put up with me while everyone else hates me?”

“For fuck’s sake, Jeno, they don’t hate you.” Surprisingly, Donghyuck actually looks a bit genuinely annoyed. “And this isn’t entertaining to me.”

“You could’ve had me fooled. I find it hard to believe that you just still wanna be my friend.”

“Of course you fucking do. And you know what? Fine, you got me. I’m not just hoping that now we can be besties.”

“So what are you doing?”

Donghyuck stares at Jeno like he’s sizing him up. It takes a long time, but he finally says, “You never liked me. You didn’t like the way I treated Jaemin when we were younger. And that’s probably fair. I could’ve been a lot nicer. But here’s the thing, Jeno. You and I are on even ground now. So you can go ahead and keep treating me like I can’t be trusted if you want to, I don’t mind. But you made the game, you wrote the rules. If I can’t be trusted because of the past, neither can you.”

That does not answer Jeno’s question. He feels a little bit like Donghyuck slapped him across the face.

“And you wanna make sure I don’t forget that?”

Donghyuck shakes his head, not like he’s denying what Jeno said, but like he can’t believe Jeno said it. “You’re not gonna need me for that if you’re still as in love with Jaemin as you were. Which I’m pretty sure you are. It’s funny how long you’ve been gone and how little has changed.”

“I’ve changed.”

Donghyuck tilts his head to the side. “Then why were you so tense tonight when Jaemin went into his room with Mark?”

Maybe Donghyuck’s right, and not a lot has changed, because he still seems to know how to get under Jeno’s skin like he used to. They didn’t clash as much once Donghyuck joined the band, but clearly he never forgot what buttons to push. He just adapted a little.

“Did you want me back just so you could piss me off?”

Donghyuck chuckles. “You are so fucking paranoid. I wanted you back because I wanted you back. That’s it.”

Jeno doesn’t believe that it’s that simple—nothing could ever be that simple with Donghyuck—but it’s the best he’s going to get. “Whatever.”

Donghyuck’s expression shifts, and it’s like he turns into an entirely different person, one who’s polite and casual and friendly. Like he didn’t just have the conversation he had with Jeno, he asks, “How’s your food?”

For a moment, Jeno’s not even sure what’s worse: Chenle’s blatant anger towards him, or whatever Donghyuck’s doing.

Jeno always felt like he never really knew why Donghyuck joined the band. He didn’t know why Donghyuck wanted to—besides attention, maybe—and he didn’t know why the others allowed him to. Sure, Donghyuck had a good voice, but so did Renjun and Chenle. No one in the group was bad. And no one in the group was exactly friends with Donghyuck, either.

That’s what Mark always wanted. To be surrounded by his friends. Donghyuck wasn’t a friend, not like the seven of them were. He hung around with some of them occasionally, but that was it.

But Jeno was outvoted. Donghyuck became their lead singer. And his life became forever entwined with Jeno’s. There’s nothing Jeno can do about it now. He got used to it, accepted Donghyuck as part of the band. They didn’t have to adore each other to work together.

Maybe Jeno really didn’t ever like Donghyuck that much, but that went both ways. Donghyuck can say what he wants now, but Jeno’s sure it did. They both gave each other space and stayed out of each other’s ways. They were civil when they were alone together, but they rarely were. They didn’t hate each other like they might have when they were kids, but they didn’t like each other.

Jeno doesn’t know what Donghyuck wants from him now, but there must be something, something he’s looking for, and he might not even need Jeno’s permission or participation to get it. Donghyuck has always seemed to have an easier time figuring Jeno out than the other way around.

Jeno’s still excited for the rest of the tour, but he is starting to wonder if he’s going to survive it.

Jaemin wakes up, and there’s a light on in the room. It’s not bright, but it makes his heart sink even as he’s still half asleep. He sits up and lets his eyes adjust, hoping maybe it’s just the bathroom light, but it’s not. It’s the light on the table where Mark’s sitting, writing into a notebook and, from the looks of it, crossing pretty much everything out moments later.

“Mark,” Jaemin says, and Mark jumps a little.

“Oh, shit, Jaeminie, did I wake you up? I’m sorry—”

“No, you didn’t.” Truthfully, he may have. Jaemin’s not really sure. But Mark doesn’t need to know that. “Why are you awake? It’s—” Jaemin looks at the clock, and wakes up completely. “Fuck, Mark, it’s almost five in the morning. Why are you awake?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“You haven’t slept at all?”

Mark shrugs like it doesn’t matter. “Not really. Thought I’d write, but I can’t seem to do that either.”

Jaemin knew Mark’s been struggling a little with songwriting lately, but he thinks it’s been bothering him more than he’s said. Of course it is, music is Mark’s whole life. Always has been.

“So give it up for the night, Markie,” Jaemin says. “Or the morning, I guess. Come on, you need to get some sleep. We’ve got a show tonight.”

Mark doesn’t move, so Jaemin gets up and goes over to him. His notebook’s a mess of scribbles and lines. Jaemin takes the pen out of his hand before taking the same hand in his own.

“Why are you writing without me anyway?” he asks, trying to be teasing. “We’re supposed to be partners, aren’t we?”

“We don’t write everything together.”

“Well, maybe we should. Or maybe we should have a new rule that we both have to at least be awake when any songwriting happens.”

“I can’t help when inspiration strikes, Jaeminie.”

“Well, it’s not striking now. Come on, Markie, you gotta get some rest.”

Jaemin tugs on Mark’s hand, and Mark shuts the light off before he gets up and follows Jaemin back to the bed. He pulls his hand away at the last second.

“If—if I’m tossing and turning, I don’t wanna keep you up,” Mark says, heading for the other bed, the unused one. When Jaemin fell asleep tonight, he and Mark were in the same bed. That usually happens on tour, because Jaemin likes to cuddle and Mark puts up with whatever Jaemin wants to do. Jaemin’s clingy.

Jaemin’s annoying.

He’s too tired and concerned to argue. “Okay,” he says, “but promise me you’ll at least try to sleep.”

“I promise.”

It’s the best Jaemin can do, because he can’t make sleep come to Mark. He doesn’t even know if he’s going to be able to get back to sleep now.

There are four major issues in Jaemin’s life right now, and their names are Jeno, Renjun, Mark, and Jisung. And Jaemin doesn’t know what to do about any of them.

The days start passing and the shows keep coming, and the Neos fall into a very fragile sense of peace. Though it feels like one wrong move could shatter the whole thing, there’s no fighting. Renjun and Donghyuck seem to have reached some kind of truce, and Chenle gives Jeno a lot of curt nods and one-word replies when they interact with one another, but the others seem to be loosening up more around him. Donghyuck still bewilders him at times, and Jisung always seem a little too tightly wound, and Mark…Jeno doesn’t really have a clue what’s up with Mark, but things are calm. The boys even make an effort to include Jeno in the things they do when they have some downtime or a day off, and though Jeno certainly wouldn’t say they’re all best friends again, it’s something.

There is something a little unnerving that Jeno notices the more time he spends around the boys, though. Jaemin’s not just quiet around him. Jaemin monitors his words around him. Jaemin’s never done that before.

Nevertheless, things are tranquil.

Which means Jeno can’t help but be afraid that something bad is on the horizon. Things can’t stay like this forever.

Chapter Text

They’re in Brussels on Renjun’s birthday. They have the day off, which means they spend most of the day exploring the city, and then in the evening they throw a party for him and Mina, whose birthday is the next day, at the hotel they’re staying at. They’ve rented an event room, and Jeno thinks every member of the crew has at least made an appearance at some point in the night. Right now, they’re down to same people who were at Jisung’s birthday party, plus the four members of Black Mamba and security.

Jeno’s been watching Jaemin all night.

It’s strange, all the ways he’s been noticing that Jaemin’s changed. He’s not as loud and as bright as he used to be, but Jeno thinks that’s just due to time and maturity. He thinks he laughs a little less, and it takes more to pull a smile out of him than it once did, but when he does smile he still lights up the whole room.

It still hurts for Jeno to look at him, but he can’t look away.

“You know,” Donghyuck says, plopping down in a seat next to Jeno and scaring the hell out of him, “if you really wanna reconnect with your old friends, you might have to actually talk to them and shit instead of just staring at Jaemin all night long like a creep.”

“Where the fuck did you come from?” Jeno asks, holding his chest.

“Been here all night, dude. You’d know that if you took your eyes off of Jaemin for like five seconds.”

“I—I knew you were here, Donghyuck.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

Jeno rolls his eyes. “I’m just staying out of the way. They all have people they’d rather hang out with, anyway.”

Donghyuck scowls. “Shotaro just came over here and tried to get you to come hang out with him and Sana and Momo and you wouldn’t budge. Jisung tried to have a conversation with you and you would barely look at him.”

“Have you been watching me?”

“Oh, sure, you can watch Jaemin all night long, but I watch you and suddenly it’s a problem?” Donghyuck crosses his arms. “I’ve looked over here from time to time, but I don’t need to watch you, Jeno. The boys do know how to speak.”

Jeno picks at one of his fingernails. Donghyuck sighs.

“Look, I get that you liked Jaemin best,” Donghyuck says. “Everyone gets that. You’re, like, madly in love with him or whatever, that’s old news, everyone knows. But there are six more of us. And you can go talk to Jaemin, too, you don’t have to just sit here waiting for him to feel your gay longing.”

“My gay longing?”

“What do you want me to call it? You’re longing and you’re gay.” Donghyuck makes a face like it should be obvious. Jeno chuckles in spite of himself.

“He doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“Alright, I think I know why Doyoung curses so much when he gets off the phone with you. Look, if you were talking about Renjun or Chenle, I’d probably agree with you, but Jaemin’s not even that mad.”

“I find that really hard to believe.”

Donghyuck takes a breath and clenches his jaw. “You’re kind of unbelievable, do you know that?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. Are you gonna go talk to Jaemin or aren’t you?”

Jeno finds Jaemin with his eyes again. He’s pulling on Mark’s arm, trying to get him to go somewhere with him while Mark puts up a very weak fight. Jeno gestures in their direction.

“I don’t want to get in the middle of that.”

“You can talk to Mark, too.”

Jeno could. Mark’s actually been one of the nicest to him while they’ve been on tour, even if he’s always kind of giving off the vibe of exhaustion and serious inner turmoil. Jeno definitely thought Mark would be madder.

But just because he’s not showing it doesn’t mean he’s not.

“Okay,” Donghyuck says after a long pause. “Silly me. Just out of curiosity, did you ever like Mark, or was he like me?”

“Of course I fucking liked Mark. Like Mark. He’s my friend.”

Donghyuck grins. “Your enemy too, though, right?”

“Fuck off, Donghyuck. Mark’s my fucking friend.”

“Yeah, so am I,” Donghyuck says sarcastically.

“Alright, what the fuck do you want, Donghyuck? Just to drive me nuts? Well, congratulations, it’s working.”

“Jeno, dude, loosen up a little. It’s a party. Come on, come with me. You can’t sit here all night watching Jaemin. It’s creepy and sad.”

Donghyuck stands up and holds his hand out to Jeno. Jeno looks at him dubiously.

“Where are we going?”

Donghyuck shrugs. “I don’t fucking know. Let’s go see what some people are up to. Yuta’s probably brewed some awful concoction that might at least get you to smile. And I promise we don’t have to go anywhere near Mark and Jaemin. We wouldn’t want another incident.”

Jeno doesn’t move. “You’re really an asshole, do you know that?”

Donghyuck smiles like it’s a compliment. “I do. Let’s go.”

Jeno reluctantly takes Donghyuck’s hand.

“That’s the spirit,” Donghyuck says, and even though he has a bad feeling about it, Jeno lets himself be led away.

Yuta comes over with a red solo cup, and he holds it out to Doyoung. Doyoung eyes it suspiciously. He didn’t ask for anything.

“It’s just coke,” Yuta says. “I wouldn’t dream of trying to get you to break your ‘no intoxication while on tour’ rule.”

Doyoung thanks him and takes the cup, and Yuta takes a seat next to him.

“It’s not like it really matters, though,” Yuta continues. “You get drunk and you still talk about, like, paperwork and phone calls and deadlines. Only difference is you slur your words and usually forget one of the Neos’ names. When’s the last time you had some fun?”

“I was seven, I think,” Doyoung says dryly. Yuta snickers.

“At least you can still make jokes.” He frowns. “Fuck, I hope that was a joke.”

Doyoung takes a sip of his drink to hide his smile and lets Yuta ponder over that. Neither one of them speaks for a while. Doyoung watches Chenle be tormented by the Black Mamba girls. He doesn’t know what’s going on, but he’s rooting for the girls.

“So,” Yuta says finally, “the boys are…getting along.”

The pause makes Doyoung chuckle. “Everyone gets along on tour. The band comes first. They can fight during breaks or when the tour is over.”

Yuta smiles crookedly. “It’s creating a bunch of very healthy individuals.”

“Clearly.”

“And how’s their manager?”

“Alive.”

“Wow. Somehow I think it would’ve been less concerning if you said dead.”

Doyoung raises an eyebrow. “Are you trying to tell me something about how you feel about me?”

Yuta snorts. “No. But, like, dead could be an overexaggeration, you know, like you’re tired and stressed out and need a break. Alive…you say you’re alive when you can’t think of anything else good about your situation. Can’t say you’re okay or things are going well, or even that not everything sucks, but at least you’re still alive.”

Doyoung can’t necessarily disagree with that. Yuta actually talks a lot of sense. He just also talks so much bullshit that it’s easy to forget.

“Well, I am.”

“You’re way too young to be this depressing. I still had hope when I was your age.”

“You’re like three months older than me.”

“Don’t argue with your elders.”

Doyoung laughs. “Forgive me. I don’t know how I could be so disrespectful.”

Yuta gives him a closed-lip smile, the kind of smile he makes when there’s something he wants to say but he’s going to take his sweet time saying it. Doyoung waits, lets Yuta work it out.

“What part of it is bothering you this time?” Yuta finally asks. Doyoung’s not surprised Yuta knows what’s on his mind. Anyone could guess, really. Anyone close to the band, at least. And Yuta’s not just anyone.

Doyoung’s eyes find Jeno across the room. He’s not sitting all by himself anymore; he’s with Donghyuck, Chaeyoung, and Jeongyeon. Shotaro, Jisung, Sana, and Momo aren’t far away. He needs to relax. Doyoung can feel the tension all the way over here. Chaeyoung and Jeongyeon have no issue with him, and even if Shotaro and Jisung migrate over, neither one of them is likely to go off on him for no reason. And Donghyuck…

Well, to be fair, Doyoung hasn’t figured Donghyuck out yet.

“Will I sound dramatic if I say all of it?” Doyoung asks.

“I don’t think so. But you will sound like you should talk about it.”

“In the middle of Renjun and Mina’s birthday party?”

“I’m sure they won’t mind.”

No, they won’t. Mina’s concerned with the cake, and Renjun’s not going to care about anything other than whatever he and Taeyong are talking about that’s making him laugh so hard. He’s in a better mood tonight than he has been in a while. Doyoung hopes it’ll last. He knows he’s asked a lot from him.

“Do you think I did the right thing?” Doyoung looks at Jeno again. Donghyuck’s patting him on the back, presumably in response to something someone said, and that only seems to make him more uncomfortable.

“Getting Jeno to come on tour?”

Doyoung shakes his head and watches Jeno’s eyes drift away from the people he’s talking to. Doyoung doesn’t have to follow his gaze. Ten years of being the Neos’ manager has come with the side effect of him always being at least vaguely aware of where all of them are. It helps protect against someone being left behind at a gas station or something like that. Jeno’s looking at Jaemin.

Jeno’s always looking at Jaemin.

“Doing what I did when he left,” Doyoung says. Yuta frowns.

“What do you mean?”

Doyoung shrugs. “Everything. If I had done things differently, if I could’ve gotten him to come back sooner, if I could’ve gotten him to come back then, maybe none of this shit would be happening now.”

“What would you have done differently?” Yuta asks like he really is curious to know.

“I—I don’t know. Maybe I just…gave up too soon or something.”

Yuta regards him thoughtfully for a moment before he says anything, and what he says takes Doyoung by surprise. “Do you know why I agreed to listen to the demo you gave me of the boys?”

“Uh. Because I found out as much as I could about you so I could kiss your ass as much as possible?”

Yuta grins. “You knowing my favorite song was ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ was a nice touch, I did like that. But that’s not why I listened.”

Though it can sometimes be hard to tell with Yuta, Doyoung assumes this is going somewhere, so he says, “Why did you, then?”

“Because you gave a shit.”

Doyoung blinks. He doesn’t really know how to respond.

“I’d had a lot of managers want me to listen to their bands’ stuff,” Yuta continues. “Most of them would say pretty much the same things. This band’s the best band ever, you won’t regret listening, the whole world’s just waiting for them to get their start, so on and so forth. And fair enough, you don’t wanna tell someone who could potentially get your band a record deal that they’re actually shit. But despite all the things they’d say, with most of them, I never really got the feeling they’d actually care if their band got signed or not. A lot of them had been in the game a long time, had been or still were tied to other names, and they’d get one too many rejections and drop the band without any regrets. They’d move on to other projects because they could afford to.

“You were different. Some of that was because you were young, but so was I. A manager who’s the sibling of one of the band members isn’t always a great sign, but I could tell you cared. About the members and about the music. You could answer all the questions I asked you, you knew exactly how and why the music was written the way it was like you were a member of the band yourself. Not a lot of managers were like that. So I thought to myself, ‘Wow…these guys must be a special kind of bad.’”

Doyoung laughs, surprised. “You’re not doing a very good job explaining why you agreed to listen.”

“Because I was morbidly curious,” Yuta says, like it’s obvious. “And it turned out they didn’t suck, so everything ended up okay.”

“Yuta, as interesting as that was, what does it have to do with anything?”

“You care a lot, Doie. I’ve known that from the beginning. You never give up on the boys. And you never gave up on Jeno, either. If you did, he wouldn’t be here.”

Doyoung can see Yuta’s point, but he still feels like there was something else he should’ve done. Something that would’ve gotten Jeno back to the boys years ago.

“And I don’t know how much of this could’ve been prevented,” Yuta says. “Renjun was gonna be hurt no matter when Jeno came back, or if he came back at all. Some of the other boys might still have taken his side. There’s no guarantee they all would’ve made it out still best friends.”

“I guess so.”

He’s right. Doyoung knows he’s right. All the time that’s passed certainly hasn’t helped the situation, but it was ugly right from the beginning. Which is probably why it was so hard—why it’s always been so hard—for Doyoung to figure out what to do. Doyoung has always had a responsibility to Jeno. But he’s had just as much of a responsibility to the other boys.

“I don’t know how much more you could’ve done, Doie. I guess you could’ve kidnapped him and forced him to come back, but that’s still a felony even if you have a good reason. You can’t manage a band from prison.”

“Fair enough.”

Doyoung knows he couldn’t have forced Jeno to come back. He couldn’t even force him to talk to the most neutral member of the band. Jeno made his decision. He made it early and he stuck to it for years.

“He’s back now,” Yuta points out.

He is. It only took seven years.

“Heads up,” Yuta says. “Looks like we’re gonna have company.”

Shotaro, Jisung, and Momo have joined Jeno, Donghyuck, Chaeyoung, and Jeongyeon, and Renjun has gone to investigate whatever misery the Black Mamba girls are putting Chenle through. Sana and Taeyong, plus Jihyo and Nayeon, are coming Doyoung and Yuta’s way. The original road crew.

“What are we gossiping about over here?” Sana asks, taking a seat right in Yuta’s lap.

“The time Doyoung had fun when he was seven,” Yuta says without missing a beat. Sana giggles.

“You should get a boyfriend, Doie,” Nayeon says. She’s hanging off of Jihyo and playing with the hem of Jihyo’s shirt with one hand. Doyoung has a feeling they won’t be down here much longer.

“I don’t have time for a boyfriend,” Doyoung says.

“Poor Doyoungie,” Taeyong sighs.

“You also don’t have a boyfriend,” Doyoung points out.

“Alright, I take it back. Fuck Doyoungie.”

The others laugh, and Doyoung looks at Jeno one more time. He’s holding a conversation with Shotaro but his attention is unmistakably elsewhere. Jaemin’s with Dahyun and Mina and, as always, Mark. Mark’s been good today. Better than he has been, like Renjun. He and Jaemin are acting very normal. Of course, normal for them is like two newlyweds on their honeymoon, minus all the sex. Doyoung doesn’t think they even realize it.

Jeno didn’t talk much about Jaemin over the years. He didn’t talk much about any of the boys, but Jaemin in particular. Doyoung thought maybe, maybe that meant he was moving on from him.

Doyoung should’ve known better.

Doyoung has a very bad feeling.

When Jaemin, Mark, and Shotaro finally found their way back to Yuta’s place, Donghyuck had gone home. Yuta, Taeyong, Jihyo, Sana, and Nayeon were all gone. And so was Jeno.

Donghyuck had called and said that Jeno had packed a suitcase and left. Yuta, Taeyong, Sana, and Nayeon had taken off shortly after to check bars and clubs and other places for him, even though it didn’t seem likely he would’ve packed a suitcase just to go sit at a bar somewhere. Doyoung and Jihyo had gone to Jeno and Renjun’s apartment and found it empty, just as Donghyuck had said it would be. Jihyo had gone to join the others who were looking for Jeno. Doyoung had gone back to Yuta’s. There he’d waited with Renjun, Chenle, and Jisung for their final three missing band members to come back. At least Shotaro had texted saying where they all were.

It was Doyoung’s choice to keep the Neos at Yuta’s house instead of sending them out to join the search. At first, it was because he didn’t want Jaemin, Mark, and Shotaro to come back to an empty house. Then it was because he was too worried about most of them to want them out of his sight. Jisung and Chenle had told everyone what had happened, as much as they both knew. And Doyoung didn’t know what would happen if one of the Neos did find Jeno. There had already been one confrontation that night, and this was the result. So they called, they sent messages, but they stayed at Yuta’s place as hours passed.

Jeno did not say a word.

It was a little past four in the morning when Yuta called. “Between the five of us, I swear we’ve been in every public building still open at this hour in this entire city,” he said tiredly. “Taeyong’s been going through grocery stores. We’re not gonna find him like this.”

Doyoung had already anticipated that. Truthfully, he figured he already knew where Jeno had gone, and it wasn’t anywhere in Seoul. So he told Yuta to tell the others to call it a night and come back to the house to regroup. Jihyo was the last to return, because she swung by Donghyuck’s apartment just to be sure he was really there.

“And was he?” Doyoung asked, almost expecting her to say no just because it had been that kind of night.

“Oh, yeah,” she said. “He will be for a while, too. He didn’t even wake up while I was there.”

It was refreshing to have a little good news.

Doyoung had prepared for a lot before he decided to be the Neos’ manager. He’d prepared for disappointments, career setbacks, serious differences of opinion, money troubles, road and performance catastrophes. He’d even prepared for them to never go anywhere and quietly disband with no real achievements to speak of.

He had not prepared for one of the members to take off in the middle of the night without a word, and he certainly had not prepared for that member to be his brother. Maybe that was his mistake.

As they sat in Yuta’s house early that morning, Doyoung knew everyone was looking to him for answers. He was the manager, he was Jeno’s brother. But honestly, he wanted someone else to take the lead. Jihyo, maybe. She was always sure of herself, always knew what she was doing. Or Taeyong, he was the oldest. Even Yuta. They never would’ve made it this far without Yuta. But he couldn’t shirk his responsibility like that. He had the band to think about, he had Jeno to think about, he had the other boys to think about, and he had to know how to strike a balance between all of that. The boys wouldn’t be able to, and it wasn’t Taeyong, Yuta, Jihyo, Sana, or Nayeon’s responsibility. So Doyoung did what he had to do: his job.

“Alright, this is what we’re gonna do,” he said. “In a couple hours, I’m gonna call my parents. If Jeno went home, he will have had more than enough time to get there by then. If he’s there, I will drive down there today and see if I can’t get him to come back.”

“What if he’s not there?” Jisung asked.

“If he’s not there, we file a fucking missing persons report, I guess. Except that probably won’t do anything because grown adults are allowed to get up and leave if they want to.”

Jisung winced. Renjun made a pathetic whimpering noise. Doyoung took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry,” Doyoung said. “If he’s not there, I guess we’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it.”

“Are the rest of us just supposed to sit around and wait?” Mark asked without any real emotion.

“No. You have a gig tomor—” Doyoung paused. “Tonight. So you’re all going to go home, take a shower, eat something, and get some sleep. Doesn’t have to be in that order. Then when you’ve done all that, you’re going to practice, just in case you have to perform without him.”

Doyoung was hoping it wouldn’t come to that, but he had no way of knowing what would happen until he talked to Jeno.

Doyoung sent the Neos home after Shotaro promised to bring Donghyuck up to speed and Chenle promised to go with Renjun so he wouldn’t be alone. Out of the six boys, it was Renjun and Jaemin that Doyoung was the most worried about. He didn’t want either one of them to be on their own.

Doyoung and the others stayed at Yuta’s house, taking turns in his shower and borrowing clean clothes from his closet, even the girls. Doyoung doesn’t really know why none of them went home. Maybe they just felt better sticking together. Time passed so slowly it was painful, and Doyoung ignored the obvious question as best as he could: What if Jeno really didn’t go home? What would they do then?

Doyoung ended up not having to call his parents. His mother called him first. Jeno had shown up early in the morning and hadn’t told her or their father why he was there. That was Doyoung’s cue to leave.

The trip back home was the longest of Doyoung’s life, and not just because it was an over two hour drive. He thought about everything he could say to Jeno, and everything Jeno might reply with. He envisioned dozens of alternate conversations that they might have. All the while, his phone sat on the front seat with the volume turned all the way up just in case Jeno decided to call.

He wished he could’ve said that he was surprised. He was surprised, in a way. He was surprised that it had gone down like this. But he’d been afraid for a while that something was going to blow. It had been a wonderful year for the Neos, but it had been a terrible year for the boys.

There was one thought that was stuck in the back of his mind that he didn’t want to even acknowledge. He was praying Jeno wouldn’t make him.

His parents were still home when he got there. They chatted a little, but his parents seemed eager to get Doyoung upstairs. And there was no sense waiting around. Jeno was asleep, but if he waited for him to wake up, he could’ve been there all day. He grabbed the garbage can from the downstairs bathroom before he went up, just to be safe.

Jeno’s door was open. He was asleep on his front in a position that was definitely going to leave him sore, and he was drooling on his pillow. But he was alive. He looked unharmed. Doyoung crossed the room to open the curtains. Jeno didn’t budge. Doyoung sighed, set the trash can down next to the bed, and used both hands to shake Jeno awake.

“What?” Jeno asked, looking around in confusion and maybe a little terror. When he finally registered Doyoung was there, he closed his eyes tightly. “Oh, fuck.”

“Hello, Jeno,” Doyoung said. “Nice to see you. Nice of you to tell someone you were okay.”

Jeno groaned. “Go away.”

“Oh no, Jeno, I did not drive all this way just to turn around. You’re gonna talk to me.”

Jeno blinked his eyes open, glaring at Doyoung. Doyoung wasn’t sure if he was angry or just hadn’t adjusted to the light. “What do you want me to say?”

Doyoung shrugged. “You can say why you lost it on Jaemin. You can say why you left without telling anyone where you were going. You can say pretty much anything you want to. I’ve got nothing but time.”

“Don’t you have a gig to be at tonight?”

“Don’t you?”

They stared at each other until Jeno backed off and looked down. “No. I quit.”

“Excuse me?”

“I quit. The band, I quit.”

“You quit.”

Jeno rolled his eyes. “How many times do you want me to say it? I quit. I’m done being a Neo. They can go on without me.” He pouted like an angry child. “It’s not like they need me, anyway.”

Doyoung took a moment to figure out how to respond to that. He didn’t believe Jeno really wanted to leave the band. The band was what he’d wanted since he was a teenager. But trying to remind him of that probably wasn’t going to do anything, not then. Not while he was upset like that. So Doyoung tried something else.

“Okay, Jeno, fine. You quit. You’re not even gonna tell the boys that yourself?”

“I told Donghyuck, isn’t that enough?”

Donghyuck hadn’t mentioned that when he called. But maybe Donghyuck also hadn’t believed it.

“Is Donghyuck the only other member of the band?”

“Oh, who gives a fuck, Doyoung? You tell the boys. They’re not gonna wanna see me anyway.”

Jeno immediately winced and held his forehead. Doyoung picked up the trash can.

“If you’re gonna puke, do it in here and not in your bed.”

Jeno glared at him again. “I’m not gonna puke.”

Doyoung set the trash can next to him nonetheless. “Jeno, the boys have been calling you all night.”

“Jaemin hasn’t.”

Doyoung crossed his arms. “Jaemin spent like an hour crying over you in a park somewhere. I think you can go easy on him. But so you have checked your fucking phone. So you know everyone’s worried about you.”

“Everyone’s mad at me.”

“Yeah, Jeno, some of them are. You might have to accept that after what you did. But that doesn’t mean no one’s concerned about you. Come back with me. We can talk everything out as a group, Taeyong, Yuta, Jihyo, Sana, and Nayeon can all be there to keep the peace, we can figure this out—”

“I’m not going back.”

“You have to. You can’t just run away from this. I mean, what do you plan to do? Just ignore the boys for the rest of your life?”

Jeno didn’t say anything, but he couldn’t meet Doyoung’s eyes.

“Jeno, for God’s sake, you have a boyfriend who’s worried sick about you right now!”

“You can tell him it’s over.”

“Absolutely fucking not, I am not breaking up with your boyfriend for you. Jesus Christ, Jeno, do you care about him at all?”

Again, Jeno didn’t reply. That thought in the back of Doyoung’s head that he was ignoring, that idea that was barely formed was creeping up on him. He didn’t want to say it. He didn’t want to even think it. What kind of awful brother was he if he could imagine this, if he could believe Jeno might actually have done this? Surely he had to be wrong.

“Listen to me, Jeno, you have to come back. You have to talk to the boys. They deserve that much. Think about Renjun. If you really want to break up with him, you need to talk to him. And is that really what you want?”

Jeno looked Doyoung right in the eye and, unmoved, said, “Who cares?”

Doyoung had a sick feeling in his stomach, one that was telling him what he needed to say.

“Think about Jaemin, Jeno. Think about how you left him. You’re not even gonna say you’re sorry?”

That hit Jeno much harder. Doyoung could tell.

“It won’t make a difference. He hates me now.”

Doyoung had wondered sometimes, over the years. Not recently, at least not consciously, because he trusted the things Jeno told him. But then, in the face of what Doyoung knew about what had happened the night before, in the face of Jeno’s recent behavior, Doyoung had to ask what he didn’t want to.

“Jeno.” Doyoung took a deep breath and prepared himself for the fallout if he was wrong—or if he was right. “Are you in love with Jaemin?”

Tell me I’m wrong, Jeno. Oh, God, tell me I’m wrong.

For a third time, Jeno didn’t speak. He didn’t immediately deny it, he didn’t get mad, indignant, didn’t even try to laugh it off or act like Doyoung was being ridiculous. He didn’t do anything.

And that’s all he had to do.

“Oh, Jeno,” Doyoung groaned, bringing both hands up to his face. The lines of manager, brother, and friend had never been more blurred. He wanted to yell at Jeno, he wanted to comfort Jeno, he wanted to kick Jeno’s ass.

He wanted someone else to tell him what he was supposed to do.

“You have to tell them,” he said.

“I can’t.”

“You have to! Jeno, they deserve to know this! Renjun deserves to know this! He’s in love with you, and he thinks you’re in love with him too!”

“Do you think I don’t know that?”

“I don’t know, Jeno! I don’t fucking know! Until today, I thought you were in love with Renjun!”

Doyoung truly had. Jeno and Jaemin were close, and when they were younger, Doyoung had thought maybe Jeno had feelings for Jaemin. But Jeno and Renjun were close too, and when they started dating, Doyoung accepted that either he was wrong or those feelings were gone. He wouldn’t have thought about it again if things had gone differently.

“Well. Now you know the truth.”

Doyoung ran a hand through his hair and told himself not to lose his temper. “Jeno, if you don’t tell them, I’m going to have to. And it’s gonna be a lot worse if they have to hear it from me.”

“So don’t tell them.”

“How can I not? What do you think is gonna happen here? I’ll tell them you quit the band, they’ll say okay, and everyone will move on with their lives?”

Jeno shrugged sullenly. It hit Doyoung rather suddenly that they weren’t going to get anywhere like this, not while Jeno was sulking like this. Doyoung could lecture, he could yell and scream, and none of it would matter. He’d just give Jeno a bigger headache, and probably get one of his own.

“Okay, you know what?” he said as calmly as possible. “You’re tired. You’re hungover. I’m upset. The boys are all gonna be cranky. So why don’t you just…take a couple days. Take a break, recharge, think things over, whatever. I’ll…I’ll be back in a few days, and we can talk more then. Okay?”

Jeno looked at the floor. “Sure, whatever.”

“You’re still gonna have to talk to them. You know that, right?”

“Yes, Doyoung.”

Doyoung didn’t like how exasperated he sounded. Maybe that should’ve been a sign.

Doyoung’s parents insisted on feeding him before he left. They didn’t say anything, and neither did he, but he wondered how much of his and Jeno’s conversation they’d heard. When Doyoung got back to Seoul, for no reason at all, he went back to Yuta’s place, and spent most of the day asleep on his couch. The Neos performed without Jeno.

Doyoung did not know it yet, but that was the beginning of the Neos’ career without their third guitarist.

Donghyuck’s pretty drunk when he and Jeno get up to their room. He’s a giggly drunk, always has been. Literally everything’s funny to him, even Jeno having to drag his ass all the way down the hallway to force him through the hotel room doorway. Jeno’s fairly sure he’s tripping and stumbling around on purpose, just to make Jeno work. Jeno drops him on the nearest bed, and he laughs all the while he slips onto the floor. He definitely did that on purpose.

“Are you gonna be okay if I take a shower?” Jeno asks.

“Do you think I’m gonna fall out the window somehow or something?” Donghyuck asks with a snort.

“If you manage that, that’s your own fault.”

Donghyuck snickers, and Jeno figures he’ll be fine. Jeno jumps in the shower, trying to use the time to himself to clear his head a little. Truthfully, he’s not completely sober himself. He’s been trying to go easy on the alcohol, but…he’d forgotten the way it stings. It’s funny, because there was a time when he thought he’d never forget. A time—not too long ago—when he was sure he hadn’t. But he had, or at least had forgotten how strong it can be. How hard it can be to focus on anything else.

Jaemin and Mark were the first Neos to leave the party. Together. It doesn’t really mean anything.

But still. That sting.

Donghyuck is exactly where Jeno left him, sitting against the foot of one of the beds, when Jeno gets out of the shower. His eyes are closed, and Jeno thinks he actually fell asleep like that until he calls his name and Donghyuck opens his eyes immediately and smiles serenely at him.

“Hi, darling,” he says.

“You gonna stay there all night?” Jeno asks, ignoring the pet name.

“When there’s a nice, cozy bed all for me? Don’t be silly.”

“Just checking. You haven’t moved yet.”

Donghyuck stretches. “I was just thinking.”

Jeno doesn’t really want to ask, but he has a feeling Donghyuck’s going to tell him anyway, so he says, “About what?”

“You. And the other boys.”

“Oh yeah?” Jeno sinks to the floor across from Donghyuck. “What about us?”

“I respect Jisung for trying to start a conversation with you, because he seems terrified of you.”

Terrified is a little harsh, but Jisung does seem a little jittery whenever Jeno’s around. But Jisung’s also like that with people he just doesn’t know very well. Jeno supposes he classifies as one of those nowadays.

“That’s what you were thinking about?”

“Not just that.” Donghyuck tilts his head to the side. “Everyone seemed to be in a pretty good mood tonight, don’t you think?”

“I guess so. But I guess they can’t be focused on being mad at me all the time.”

There’s a short pause, and then Donghyuck starts to laugh like he’s trying not to. Jeno tries to wait for him to be finished, but he just keeps going.

“Alright, what the hell is so funny?”

“Nothing, nothing,” Donghyuck says, still chuckling, “it’s just…there’s a whole world of feelings and emotions out there besides anger and hate. And it’s interesting that you keep talking about how they’re still mad at you when you’re still mad too.”

“I—I’m not mad about anything.”

Donghyuck snorts. “Okay, sure, Jeno.”

“I’m not.”

“Uh-huh.”

“What would I even be mad about?”

Still laughing, Donghyuck uses the end of the bed to get to his feet. “That’s a good question, Jeno. Why don’t you think on it and get back to me? I’m gonna go shower now, ‘cause I’m not gonna want to do it tomorrow.”

And just like that, he’s gone, leaving Jeno staring at the bathroom door.

Sixteen was a standout year for Jeno. He was sixteen when the Neos had their first official gig, no name, no Donghyuck, and no Jisung either because he had a curfew (Mark played bass). Even if it had only been that, sixteen would’ve always stood out to him, because he loved the Neos, even two members short and without an actual name, and that first gig felt like the high point of his life at the time. But sixteen was also the year he got impatient. He didn’t want to wait for the future anymore.

He wanted Jaemin. And he was sure Jaemin wanted him too.

They both still didn’t date. Jeno knew there were girls who were interested in him, and girls who were interested in Jaemin, but neither one of them paid any attention to them. They were more interested in spending time with each other. They still hadn’t told each other, but Jeno was planning to change that. He could tell Jaemin was getting bolder; he’d come out as bisexual to the friend group, and he’d made some interesting comments to Jeno once or twice, supposedly hypothetical comments about liking a friend. Jeno figured there was no point waiting around anymore. It was time.

Despite his resolve, it took him months to build up the courage. He’d planned to tell Jaemin dozens of times before eventually chickening out at the last minute. He wasn’t even sure what he was afraid of. Maybe just that Jaemin still wouldn’t be ready. He chickened out the very morning of the day he actually did go to confess. He was going to tell him at school, but he was scared the wrong person might overhear. That’s what he told himself, at least. He was going to push it off to another day yet again, but that night after school he felt a rush of bravery he didn’t know the cause of. He took it as a sign, he needed to do it today. He walked to Jaemin’s house only a few blocks away without even telling him he was coming, because he wanted it to be a surprise. A good surprise. A really good surprise, hopefully. He could see it, the way Jaemin’s eyes would shine and how he’d burst out into that beautiful smile. It seemed so real.

Jaemin’s mother answered the door when Jeno knocked, and she smiled at him, but there was something a bit off about it. “Oh, Jeno, I’m glad you’re here,” she said. “Did Jaemin ask you to come?”

Jeno shook his head.

“Oh. Well, you’ve got perfect timing, then. He’s up in his room. I know something’s wrong, but he won’t tell me what. Maybe he’ll tell you.”

Jeno was surprised. Jaemin had been fine at school. He’d seemed fine, at least.

“I’ll—I’ll go talk to him.”

Jeno went upstairs and knocked on Jaemin’s door. Jaemin told him he could come in, and when he opened the door, he found Jaemin wrapped up in a blanket on his bed. He frowned when he looked at Jeno.

“You’re not my mom,” he said.

“Sorry.”

“Please tell me she didn’t ask you to come here.”

Jeno chuckled. “No. I just…wanted to talk to you about something. But you look like you might wanna talk about something else.”

Jeno would’ve known Jaemin was upset even if his mother hadn’t said so at the door. He could see it all over Jaemin’s face. He had that look, like he might cry, but Jeno figured he wouldn’t. It was very hard to make Jaemin cry. He didn’t like to cry. He’d make stupid jokes to make himself laugh instead.

“It’s stupid,” Jaemin said.

“Hey, I’m sure it’s not.” He walked over to sit down next to Jaemin on the bed. “If it’s bothering you like this, it can’t be stupid.” Jeno waited for a long time, but Jaemin didn’t speak. “Come on, Nana. You can tell me.”

Jaemin sighed. He mumbled something, and all Jeno could pick out of it was “Mark.”

“What? Mark hyung? Mark hyung did something?”

Jaemin made a funny grimace. “I mean, he didn’t do anything. Not to me. I just…I saw him kissing Kang Mina outside the school.”

For one blissful second, Jeno didn’t even know what Jaemin was talking about. Who cared that Mark kissed Kang Mina? She was a nice girl, and Mark could do what he wanted. Then it hit him all at once. Mark. Mark Lee.

It was Mark. It had always been Mark.

It had never been Jeno.

Everything he’d been so sure of for years now was wrong.

“You like Mark?”

“Please don’t tell anyone.” Jaemin looked so upset that for a moment Jeno was afraid he would actually cry. “I—I knew that he liked her, and wanted to ask her out. But I…I didn’t know he had.” He laughed a little. “Or maybe he still hasn’t.”

Jeno couldn’t react. All he could do was just stare at Jaemin and think about how stupid he was. Mark fucking Lee. He’d thought about the conversation he’d overheard between Donghyuck and Jaemin all the fucking time, used it to reassure himself he wouldn’t be rejected. Lee. The second most common surname in the entire fucking country, and yet Jeno never even considered it might not be him.

“I told you it was stupid,” Jaemin said, misunderstanding Jeno’s blank stare. “I know, I know. Good job, Jaemin, that’s what you get for crushing on the straight guy. What were you expecting?”

It still took another moment for Jeno to say anything. “No—no, Nana, it’s—it’s not stupid. You—you have every right to be upset.”

God, Jeno could see it so clearly now. How the fuck had he missed it? The way Jaemin looked at Mark, how he’d light up every time Mark was around. That was—that was supposed to just be admiration, because Mark was the oldest one, everyone’s big brother figure, even Jeno’s, and he had an actual big brother. Jeno was Jaemin’s best friend. They were closer than Jaemin and Mark were, their bond meant more.

Mark didn’t fucking deserve Jaemin.

Jeno took a deep breath. He didn’t know where that thought came from.

“I mean, I knew it was hopeless, you know?” Jaemin said miserably. “He’s straight. But I just…I just like him so much. I can’t help it.”

“I—I know, Nana.” Jeno didn’t know. Jeno didn’t have a fucking clue. Jaemin liked him. Jeno was so sure. “You can’t help how you feel.”

“Wish I could.”

So did Jeno.

Jeno wrapped an arm around Jaemin, unsure of what else to say. He almost felt lied to. He and Jaemin spent so much time together, had inside jokes and shared secrets, did any of it mean anything? All the nice things Jaemin would say to Jeno, did he even mean them? Did Jaemin sit around wishing he was with Mark when he was with Jeno? How did Jeno miss this, how did he have it so wrong?

How the fuck did Lee fucking Donghyuck know before he did?

“Please don’t tell anyone,” Jaemin repeated.

“No, of—of course I won’t tell,” Jeno promised. Jaemin smiled halfheartedly.

“What did you wanna talk to me about?”

Jeno couldn’t have told him. Not after that.

“I—I don’t even remember. I don’t think it was that important.”

Jaemin laughed quietly. Instead of confessing, instead of being confessed to, Jeno spent the night comforting Jaemin and pretending he was fine. He left before dinner, coming up with some excuse for why he couldn’t stay. He wandered aimlessly for a while before he actually went home.

It had always been Mark. Always. Maybe right from the second he showed up in Korea. Jeno wondered if everyone knew, if Renjun, if Jisung, if Chenle, if Shotaro knew. If Jeno was the only one who didn’t. If he was the only one who didn’t see it. He wondered if Mark knew.

That night was the first Jeno felt it, strong and bitter, that sting. He told himself he’d get over it.

And more importantly, Jaemin would get over it. Jeno would just have to go back to being patient for a little while longer.

Chapter Text

Jeno had forgotten how grueling touring is. The performances are rewarding, but day-to-day is exhausting. Things go much smoother with the much larger road crew, but there’s still a lot that needs to be done to make a tour this size work. Jeno’s more or less getting along with the boys when they’re together, and he’s getting to know certain crew members better. He starts playing on a few more songs, all stuff that he’s played before. He calls and texts Yeeun every so often when he has the time. He still hasn’t told her the whole truth about him leaving the band, and she doesn’t ask.

And in Jeno’s remaining free moments, he attempts to solve the mystery of Mark Lee and Jaemin Na. It’s Mark who’s mostly the problem, Jeno thinks. Mark who can’t seem to make up his fucking mind. One second he’s just as adoring of Jaemin as he always has been, the next he’s acting like he can’t be far enough away from him. Jeno can’t explain it, but it rubs him the wrong way.

Overall, though, Jeno doesn’t think he can complain. Being on tour, being back with the boys, makes him feel like he’s nineteen again. Everything’s more extravagant now, but simple similarities remain. Renjun and Chenle still bicker about everything, just to get a reaction out of each other, Jisung still laments not choosing a different career path, Doyoung and Taeyong still hover around everyone to make sure they’re eating enough. It still takes a long time for everyone to wind down after a show, meaning they spend a lot of time sitting up on the bus talking quietly—in a lot of English that Jeno’s slowly getting better at understanding and speaking, thanks to Doyoung and Taeyong and Shotaro’s patient efforts—and watching the landscape pass by out the windows. Even Donghyuck and Chenle are tame at times like that.

And there are still times when it feels like Jaemin’s the only other person on Earth. When he’s so close, but Jeno doesn’t know how to reach out to him. Jaemin does talk to him, more than Renjun and Chenle and perhaps even Jisung do, but it’s polite conversation. Jaemin doesn’t talk to him about important things. Like the way Mark’s hurting him.

Jeno doesn’t know if he’s talking to anyone about that.

And Donghyuck lingers around, worse than even Doyoung and Taeyong, but only to Jeno. That’s much different from the way things used to be, at least while Jeno was in the band. Jeno still doesn’t know what he wants, other than to annoy him, which he’s doing a fantastic job of. But there has to be more to it than that. Jeno tries not to react too much to him. He’s holding out hope that sooner or later he’ll get bored and find something else to occupy his time.

And the Neos play on, nearly every night, without fail, to sold out venues all across Europe. Every once in a while, Jeno spots a sign with his name on it in the crowd. Sometimes, it’s easy enough to pretend he’s still just another member of the band.

Pretending’s a dangerous game. Jeno should know.

The first Neos album was recorded in a single day. The record label they’d signed to had an in house studio, and even though wunderkind music producer Yuta Nakamoto had fought hard for them to get a contract, they were the new kids. There was no guarantee of how successful they’d be and if they’d be able to recoup production costs. Most studio time was being reserved for already established acts, and the boys didn’t have much time to spare themselves. The studio was in Seoul, hours away from home. So the whole thing was recorded one day in May, and Yuta finished mixing in the following weeks.

The Neos were so lucky to have been claimed as Yuta’s pet project, really. Yuta intuitively knew how to get the best performances out of the boys, and he seemed to genuinely care about them, too. At the time, Doyoung had warned them not to be overly trusting of that, but that went out the window pretty fast. But Yuta more than proved himself. He crossed oceans for the boys, gave up a secure job for the boys. He became a part of the team. He’s produced every Neos album, right from the first.

The first album did well. Better than a lot of people expected. Better than Jeno expected, truthfully. They weren’t catapulted into superstardom, but they didn’t flop, either. They already had a bit of a following, but it grew after the album dropped, especially internationally. They went on tour as openers for a more well-known group to grow their fanbase even more. Mark was already writing material for a second album.

Those days after the first album was released were the best of Jeno’s life. He was doing what he loved with the people he loved, and they were just starting out. They were young with high hopes, and things could only go up from there. Maybe none of them truly thought they’d take over the world, but it didn’t hurt to dream, and more realistic dreams said maybe they’d at least be able to make a living like this. Together. Jeno remembers long hours spent in vans talking to Jaemin about it. Jaemin never really adjusted to fame, but he loved the band. And Jeno was grateful for every extra second he got to spend with Jaemin.

And Jaemin was grateful for every extra second he got to spend with Mark. Jeno could see it in everything he did. He still hadn’t gotten over him, he was still harboring feelings for the straight guy who would inevitably break his heart over and over again. And Mark remained as oblivious as ever.

The days after the first album was released were still pure. Jeno was still being patient. Mark could only have a hold on Jaemin for so long. Eventually Jaemin would see that he and Jeno belonged together. Jeno could wait. He’d already been waiting years, and he could wait years more for Jaemin.

He could wait.

He was sure he could wait.

“What is missing, broken, or have you been arrested for?”

“Wow, okay, first of all: massive fuck you. Second of all: I don’t even have a rap sheet, bitch. I’ve lived my life as squeaky clean as your fucking kitchen floors.”

Renjun snorts. “That’s debatable.”

“Third of all: if I had been arrested, why the fuck do you think I’d be calling you in—where the fuck are you guys today?”

“Dusseldorf.”

“Oh, I’ve always wanted to go there!”

“Learn how to do lighting or some shit and next time you can come with us.”

“I tried to be your groupie. We could’ve had sex in every city on Earth. Instead, you made me babysit your fucking house.”

“Yangyang, I am literally paying you an insane amount of money to do that. No one’s making anyone do anything.”

“Yeah, well, if you really loved me you’d convince Mark and Jaemin to let me look after their house. What does Sicheng have that I don’t have?”

“A willingness to shovel and mow the lawn. And at least a couple inches.”

“Hey, I make up for those inches somewhere else!”

“How do you know Sicheng doesn’t?”

“Are you telling me Mark and Jaemin hire Sicheng to housesit for them because he’s hung?”

“Yes, Yangyang. It’s their main requirement.”

Yangyang gasps dramatically. Renjun snickers.

“Alright,” he says, “if you’re not calling because there’s a problem, why are you calling?”

“You’re such an ass, you know? You’re the one who’s always all” –Yangyang pitches his voice up higher in a way that sounds absolutely nothing like Renjun— “‘oh, Yangyang, we never get to talk while I’m on tour, I miss you sooooo much’ and then when I actually call you, you immediately assume I’ve been picked up by the cops.”

He makes a fair point, even if his impression of Renjun is very questionable. Renjun does miss Yangyang while he’s touring.

“Okay, I’m sorry. And I’m happy you called.”

“Well, who wouldn’t be? Anyway, how is everyone?”

Renjun has a pretty broad spectrum of exes. Some weren’t so bad, some were just awful, and some were somewhere in the middle. Yangyang is unquestionably the best of all of them. He’s the only one Renjun still talks to on a regular basis, unless you now count Jeno, and he’s the only one Renjun would let periodically live in his house. Almost all of his friends love him. He’s also the most recent, and he lasted the longest.

Well, he lasted the longest after Jeno. Renjun’s longest relationship is still his first.

“They’re…okay,” Renjun says, debating how much he should tell Yangyang. Yangyang already knows a lot of group secrets.

“You kiss and make up with Donghyuck yet?”

Renjun looks at Donghyuck. He’s far away enough that he’s out of earshot, and he’s talking to Shotaro, anyway. It’s still a couple hours to showtime, and they’re all hanging out outside the venue in an area not accessible to fans. Donghyuck seems content, but he doesn’t always show his true emotions.

“Sort of. We’re…working it out.”

“That sounds like a lie.”

“It is not.”

“Sure it’s not. Have Mark and Jaemin eloped yet?”

For once, Mark and Jaemin aren’t together. Jaemin’s with Jisung and Mark’s with Chenle, but they’re still close by to each other. They’re probably sneaking glances at each other like something out of a sad romance movie. Renjun loves them both very much, but sometimes they make him want to scream.

“Unfortunately, no.”

“What the fuck is taking them so long? I’ve got good money on them hopping into bed together on or before Mark’s birthday this year.”

“Who are you even—no, wait, it’s Ten, isn’t it? You’re betting on Mark and Jaemin’s love life with Ten?”

“I’d bet with you too if you didn’t think it was some kind of friend code violation. And you’d have the biggest advantage because you know them the best.”

“I can’t bet on Mark and Jaemin.”

“Well, could you at least, like, drop some hints or something? I’m on a deadline here.”

“I can’t do that, either.”

“Why not?”

“You know why.”

Yangyang starts talking before Renjun’s even finished. “Right, right. That whole…thing. It’s fine. If they don’t get together by Mark’s birthday I can just…kill both of them.”

“Great idea.”

“Thanks. And how are things going with, you know, Gino?”

“Jeno.”

“Yeah, him.”

Yangyang knows about Jeno. Knows who he is, knows what he did. Renjun didn’t tell all of his exes about Jeno, but he told Yangyang.

Jeno’s talking with Taeyong, but Taeyong seems to be doing most of the talking.

“Things are…fine, I guess? I don’t know. We’re professionals. We can do our thing and be nice to each other and whatever.”

“You want someone to come be unprofessional? ‘Cause I’m not part of the band, so I can say mean shit to people without having to worry about facing them for the rest of the tour.”

“You don’t even know him.”

“From what you’ve told me about him, I’m not sure I want to know him.”

“Yangyang…”

It’s funny how Renjun always feels an urge to defend Jeno whenever someone who doesn’t know him talks about him. He can listen to Chenle or Nayeon rant about Jeno for days on end and never be bothered, but as soon as someone who’s never met him says something, Renjun feels like he needs to shut it down.

“Okay, okay. But still, you guys are all good with him there?”

“More or less.”

Renjun can’t say that he’s happy Jeno’s here. Touring might be distracting, but it’s not that distracting. But he meant what he said, both to Jeno and just now to Yangyang. He can be professional. He can forget his own pain for the sake of the show. He can pretend Jeno’s just another musician.

“Well, that’s good, more or less. Are you bringing back presents for me?”

“I’m paying you to take care of my house and you want presents too?”

“Yes.”

Renjun chuckles. He already has a shirt and this bizarre little statue of an anthropomorphized hot dog that he just knows Yangyang is going to think is the funniest thing ever. Yangyang always manages to get gifts out of him, and he doesn’t even have to ask.

“You’ll have to wait and see.”

“Aw, Renjunnie got me presents! I knew you still loved me!”

Yangyang is very easy to love. He’s a keeper, really, the kind of person you’d like to introduce to your parents, even with his questionable sense of humor and sometimes obscenely filthy mouth. Every once in a while when they’re talking Renjun will find himself wondering why they broke up, what went wrong. He never wonders for very long, because the answer is clear enough: Renjun.

Renjun went wrong.

“You know what I would love? I’d love if I came back and my house was as clean as I left it.”

“You should be paying someone else, then.”

“Alright, that’s fair.”

Donghyuck has joined Jeno and Taeyong, and Shotaro has appeared at Renjun’s side. Quietly, he asks, “Is that Yangyang?”

Renjun nods.

“Tell him I say hi.”

“Shotaro says hi,” Renjun says, cutting Yangyang off as he asserts that Renjun would be unhappy if he got back and there was nothing for him to clean, anyway.

“Shotaro!” Yangyang yells, so loud Renjun has to take the phone away from his ear. “What’s up, dude?”

Judging from the way Shotaro’s giggling, he can hear him.

“You wanna talk to him for a while?” Renjun asks, holding out his phone, and Shotaro takes it. Renjun gives him a little space, opting not to eavesdrop on Shotaro’s half of the conversation—he doesn’t really think Shotaro would actually mind, or Yangyang, for that matter, but just in case—and finds that Chenle has also abandoned the person he was talking to, meaning Mark has shifted over to be with Jaemin and Jisung. Chenle’s walking in Renjun’s direction very slowly, like he doesn’t want to seem like he’s coming over specifically to talk to Renjun.

“You left Jisung alone with the two of them?” Renjun says when he finally gets there, because he’s not going to make things easy for Chenle.

“He’ll get over it,” Chenle says, looking back at the trio. “He’s their third wheel the most, anyway. I think he likes it.”

“You might be right about that.”

Chenle nods, then gestures in Shotaro’s direction. “Is that Yangyang?”

Renjun wonders what it means about him that anytime he gets a call, everyone automatically knows it’s his ex. At least Yangyang’s a good one.

“Yeah.”

Chenle nods again. “Cool.”

Almost all of Renjun’s friends love Yangyang. Chenle’s the exception. He doesn’t dislike Yangyang, and they get along just fine, but Renjun can tell that Chenle’s always kept some distance. They’ve never hit it off as well as Renjun thought they would, but it’s not nearly bad enough for Renjun to want to ask about it. Chenle and Yangyang aren’t obligated to be close just because they’re both close to Renjun.

“It’s nice of him, you know, to keep in touch,” Chenle continues. Renjun smiles in bemusement.

“He just wants to get paid.”

“That’s not all it is. He’s a good guy.”

It’s this that Renjun doesn’t understand. Chenle can speak so highly of Yangyang sometimes. He was sad like everyone else was when Renjun and Yangyang broke up. And yet when he’s actually around Yangyang, it’s like he puts a wall up.

“I know. I’ve had worse boyfriends.” Renjun’s eyes unintentionally jump over to Jeno, but he quickly looks away, back to Chenle, who is definitely unashamedly staring at Jeno. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop glaring, he’s not even paying attention to you. Hello? I’m over here.”

Chenle rolls his eyes, but looks at Renjun again when he’s done. “I know where you are.”

“Then act like it. Jeno’s not talking to you. I am.”

“Who says I was even looking at Jeno? Maybe I was watching our entire security team try to get into Yuta’s pants.”

Renjun looks back in Jeno’s direction, and sees that beyond him, Donghyuck, and Taeyong are Yuta and all of their bodyguards, and even from a distance, Renjun can tell that everyone in that group is flirting, just like Chenle said. Not surprising. There has never been a point since Renjun’s known him that the list of people who want Yuta has been a short one.

“Doyoung and Taeyong better get over there,” Renjun remarks.

“Yeah. A fist fight would be fun right about now.”

Renjun laughs. Personally, he thinks Doyoung and Taeyong would be more of the hair-pulling types—especially with each other—but either way, it’s a little funny to imagine them both losing their cool that much.

“We’d have to break it up, you know,” Renjun says.

“Yeah, right. You can do that, I’ll be recording the whole thing.”

“Not surprising in the slightest.”

“Yeah, you’ll be thanking me when the whole thing’s immortalized on my phone.”

“Maybe so.” Renjun grins. “Don’t think I don’t remember what we were talking about, though.”

“I don’t.” Chenle might be serious.

“Jeno.”

Chenle grimaces. “Why do you wanna keep talking about him?”

“I don’t. I just don’t like it when you dodge the subject.”

“That doesn’t even make sense. You don’t wanna talk about Jeno but you don’t want me to not talk about Jeno? So you just wanna listen as I talk about Jeno?”

Renjun would like Chenle to talk, because he does think—does know—there are things Chenle’s never told him, things he can only hope Chenle’s discussed with someone else, probably Jisung, if anyone, but Chenle’s more of a listener than a talker, and now isn’t really the time or place. Shotaro’s coming towards them, still on the phone. So Renjun just shrugs.

“If you wanted to.”

“Yeah, he’s right here,” Shotaro says to Yangyang before Chenle can respond. He takes the phone away from his ear and looks at Renjun. “Ten just showed up, so he wants to say goodbye.”

Renjun takes his phone back. “Yangyang, I swear to God, if you and Ten trash my house again—”

“I know, I know, I will actually end up in prison, or just dead, or whatever,” Yangyang says in disinterest. “That was one time. And I think I made up for it pretty well.”

Even though Renjun can’t see him, he can picture the exact way Yangyang’s probably wiggling his eyebrows right now. He hopes Chenle and Shotaro don’t notice how embarrassed he’s gotten.

“Shut up.”

“Talk to you later, Renjunnie. Say hi to everyone for me.”

“Sure. Do the same with Ten for me.”

“You bet.”

They both say goodbye one more time, then Renjun hangs up. Chenle looks at Renjun with his eyebrows raised.

“Why are your ears so red?” he asks. Motherfucker.

“No reason. Yangyang says hi.”

“Uh-huh.” Chenle’s still looking at him suspiciously. Renjun sticks his tongue out at him, just because he knows it’ll make him laugh.

“Okay, then,” Shotaro says, looking between the two of them with a slightly confused smile. He changes the subject, and somehow the three of them end up spending at least twenty minutes debating what the best Rolling Stones album is (“It’s Exile on Main St.,” Renjun insists. “How can you respect an album that has a song called ‘Turd on the Run’ on it?” Chenle cries.) before Jisung wanders over and drops his forehead onto Shotaro’s shoulder with a groan, interrupting whatever surely invalid opinion Chenle was giving.

“Hi, Jisungie,” Shotaro says. Jisung groans again.

“Mark and Jaemin get too touchy-feely for you?” Chenle asks.

“No,” Jisung says sullenly. “It’s the opposite. Why are they being so fucking weird?”

“If they really slept together,” Chenle says, “they should just do it again at this point.”

“No, I have a new theory,” Shotaro says. He thinks for a moment. “Which could still work with the old theory, I guess.”

“What’s the new theory?” Chenle asks.

“They’re avoiding each other.”

“They’re avoiding each other,” Chenle echoes.

“Or at least one of them is. Probably Mark.”

Chenle looks pointedly in the direction of Mark and Jaemin, who are still together, still talking to each other. “He’s not doing a very good job.”

Shotaro nods sagely. “No. Because avoiding Jaemin would require actually being away from Jaemin. And being away from Jaemin makes him sad. So he’s just doing…whatever this is.”

Shotaro waves his hand towards Mark and Jaemin, and as if to prove Shotaro’s point, at that moment Jaemin leans in a little bit closer and Mark leans away.

“You know, you might actually be on to something here,” Chenle admits.

“It’s just what I’m thinking,” Shotaro says. “‘Cause like we said, the last time they were weird like this was right after Jeno left, and, you know.”

“And Jaemin was avoiding Mark,” Renjun says quietly, knowing they’re all already thinking it.

People on the outside, people like Yangyang, always wonder why Mark and Jaemin aren’t together. And Renjun himself wonders too, basically every day. Sometimes he would like to just tell them to make out and be done with it, but Mark and Jaemin are a bit of a sensitive topic for everyone in the band. No one wants to push too hard.

“I think Jaemin was a little better at it than Mark is,” Shotaro says. Chenle looks at him doubtfully. “I said a little.”

“They need to fucking figure their shit out,” Jisung grumbles, head still on Shotaro’s shoulder. “I don’t wanna do that again.”

Renjun doesn’t either. He doubts any of them do, Mark and Jaemin least of all, which begs the question: why are they doing this? Or, why is Mark doing this? Because Renjun thinks Shotaro is right, and this is an issue with Mark. And that’s weird, because Mark has always adored Jaemin.

“Something’s wrong,” Shotaro says, like Renjun asked his question out loud. “With Mark. Something he doesn’t wanna talk to Jaemin about. Or anyone else, really.”

He’s probably right about that, too. Mark keeps a lot of his feelings hidden until Jaemin coaxes them out of him. Which is why they’re perfect for each other, because Jaemin does a lot of the same. If Mark’s not talking to Jaemin, Renjun doesn’t know what the rest of them will be able to do for him.

“Seems like something’s wrong with a lot of us recently,” Chenle says. He’s looking at Jisung, who won’t see from the position he’s in. Renjun looks over at Donghyuck without really thinking about it. He’s still talking to Jeno and Taeyong, smiling like he doesn’t have a care in the world. Renjun recognizes that smile. Donghyuck never feels nearly as good as he would like everyone to believe when he wears it.

Renjun remembers when Jeno first left. Donghyuck used to rant about him, too. Sometimes Renjun listens to their fourth album, and though Donghyuck always sounds good, Renjun can tell just from his voice which songs he didn’t record sober.

“This band’s always been dysfunctional,” Renjun says, and thinks Doyoung would be proud.

Chenle grins. “Why do you think we’re so successful?”

This is probably where Renjun should say talent or hard work or something. He likes Chenle’s idea better.

The Neos have a reputation in the industry for how close they are and how well they get along with each other. And that’s not incorrect, necessarily. It’s just not the full story.

None of them ever tell the full story.

By the time the first album was released, everyone in the band knew about Renjun’s giant crush on Jeno. Everyone but Jeno. Or maybe he did too. Renjun never really found out when Jeno figured it out. Maybe he knew from the beginning.

Part of the problem was that Renjun wasn’t very good at hiding it. He got flustered too easily, laughed too hard at jokes no one else thought were funny, went too far out of his way to spend time with Jeno. He could only deny it for so long. The whole band was rooting for him. Said they’d make a cute couple. Told him to ask Jeno out.

Renjun never got up the courage to do that. He was too scared of making things weird and jeopardizing the band. The band was what was most important. Being Jeno’s friend was enough.

But the way he clung to every moment, every smile, every word.  Jeno had him wrapped around his finger. Had him seeing things that weren’t there and ignoring things that were. Because deep down he wanted Jeno to like him too so bad.

Renjun can remember, months and months afterwards, after he and Jeno were long finished and the band had relocated to whole new country and no one but Doyoung had heard a single word from Jeno since that one night in August…Renjun remembers sitting with Chenle and feeling like he had absolute clarity of mind when he said, “I tried too hard to make him like me.” Because he did. Jeno was so kind and so sweet, but then he could turn moody and bitter and withdrawn and no one ever really knew why and Renjun wanted to fix it. Even before they started dating, Renjun wanted to solve Jeno’s problems, because Jeno deserved some respite from whatever demons plagued him.

Renjun never stood a chance, because there were things Jeno would never talk about, things Renjun was too blind to see. He watched Jeno’s downward spiral and he couldn’t stop it.

Renjun tried too hard and he gave himself away. And then Jeno was gone.

Now, Renjun sometimes thinks he can feel history repeating itself.

He wonders if the Neos could survive the loss of another member.

The Neos had more time to record their second album than their first, meaning more time they all had to be in Seoul, because still none of them lived there. They spent two weeks in the studio all day long and in hotel rooms at night chaperoned by Doyoung, Taeyong, Jihyo, Sana, and Nayeon. They had two rooms between the eight of them, and that first night they divided up into two groups: Jeno, Jaemin, Renjun, and Donghyuck, and Mark, Shotaro, Chenle, and Jisung.

There are many rituals and routines that the Neos still carry out to this day. One more was started that night.

“This album’s gonna get us our own headlining tour, I can feel it,” Donghyuck said. He was sitting on one of the beds with Renjun. Jeno and Jaemin were on the other. It just made sense that Jeno and Jaemin would share a bed, they’d done it hundreds of times before. Jeno still felt a little nervous. It had been like that since the start of high school.

“This album’s not even recorded yet,” Renjun said.

“But I know it’s good. I know we’re good. We’re gonna be so fucking famous.”

Renjun laughed. “Is that all you’re worried about? Being famous?”

“No. I also wanna meet all the hot guys in the music industry. Don’t you? No, wait—”

Renjun kicked at Donghyuck’s leg. “Shut up.”

Donghyuck snickered. “I was only gonna say that you’re only interested in meeting Justin Timberlake.”

“I don’t even listen to Justin Timberlake.”

“You’re such a liar, you listen to NSYNC.”

“Well, so do you.”

“Hell yeah, I do. I have taste.” Donghyuck looked around, smiling. Jaemin’s phone buzzed. “Anyway, I’m just trying to be confident. We’re the best band on Earth. We make amazing music. And our lead singer is hot as hell.”

“Your humility is inspiring.”

“Back me up, Jeno!”

Jeno raised his eyebrows. “You want me to tell you you’re hot as hell?”

Donghyuck rolled his eyes. “No.” He smirked. “Well, unless you want to. But tell him” –he pointed at Renjun— “that we’re talented and incredible and definitely going to make an amazing album.”

“We’re not bad, I guess.”

“We are never gonna end up the richest people on the planet with this lack of enthusiasm. Right, Jaemin?”

“Go us,” Jaemin said, pumping one fist in the air and not looking up from his phone. Donghyuck frowned.

“Um, hello?”

Jaemin looked up. “Sorry. Mark’s texting.”

“Seriously? You’re sitting here texting Mark? He’s literally across the hall, just go over there.”

“No, I’m good.”

“Yeah, right,” Renjun said. “You two are gonna be texting each other all night long. Go send Shotaro or somebody over here.”

“No, I’m hanging with you guys. Look, I’ll stop talking now.” Jaemin set his phone on the bedside table.

“Oh, no, now you’re gonna make him sad!” Donghyuck cried. “I’ll go over there, and send him over here.”

Jaemin chuckled. “Stop. He’ll be fine, I’ll be fine. Everyone will be fine.”

“Seriously, just go over there,” Renjun said. “No one’s feelings will be hurt.”

“He said he doesn’t want to,” Jeno said, firm enough that Jaemin looked at him in mild confusion. But Jaemin shouldn’t have had to repeat himself that many times. If he didn’t want to go over, he didn’t fucking want to go over. Mark was probably saying some unimportant shit anyway.

They sat in somewhat awkward silence for a moment before Donghyuck began to giggle as he brought his phone up to his ear.

“What are you doing?” Renjun asked.

“Calling Shotaro,” Donghyuck replied. “Getting his ass over here.”

“Oh my God,” Jaemin said.

“Donghyuck, stop it,” Jeno objected.

“Too late. Heyyy, Taro, what are you—oh, you guys noticed it too?…No, Jaemin won’t leave…Yeah…Yeah, okay. See you in a minute.” Donghyuck hung up. “Get your stuff, Nana, Taro’s coming over here.”

“Hyuck,” Jaemin whined.

“What the fuck, Donghyuck?” Jeno said. “He said he was fine here.”

“What’s your problem?” Donghyuck asked.

“What’s yours? He said—”

“Jeno,” Jaemin interjected, “it’s okay. I’m not, like, upset.” More jokingly, he added, “I know when I’m not wanted.”

I want you here, Jeno thought, and he almost said it, but someone, presumably Shotaro, knocked on the door. Renjun got up to let him in.

“Hurry up, Nana,” Donghyuck said. “They’re waiting for you.”

Jaemin hopped off the bed and grabbed his things as Shotaro walked inside the room and set his own stuff down on the floor. Jeno wanted to fight more, but he didn’t know what he could say that wouldn’t make him look ridiculous. He felt a little ridiculous. It was one night in a hotel room. If Jaemin wasn’t bothered, he shouldn’t have been.

“Hi, Taro,” Donghyuck said cheerfully.

“Hi, Hyuckie,” Shotaro said. “Hey, guys.”

“See you tomorrow, Nana,” Donghyuck called.

“Yeah,” Jaemin said, heading for the door. “See you all tomorrow. Bright and early.”

Jeno stared at the door after Jaemin left.

“You can sleep with me, Taro,” Donghyuck said.

“Right in front of Renjun and Jeno?” Shotaro asked. Jeno slowly turned his head back to look at the others.

“You know what I meant,” Donghyuck said.

“I thought we were sharing the bed,” Renjun said.

“You have to share with Jeno. Look how lonely he is.”

Renjun shot Donghyuck a look that Jeno just barely noticed. He wasn’t entirely sure of its significance, and didn’t want to think about it too hard. Renjun turned to him with a shy little smile.

“You mind?” Renjun asked.

“Of course not,” Jeno answered. They’d shared a bed before. Jeno had shared a bed with everyone in the band at some point, except Donghyuck. He wondered a bit if Renjun minded, though.

Renjun was a friend. Jeno never really thought of him as anything more, and he didn’t think that much about what Renjun thought of him, either. They got along well, they trusted each other, they could depend on each other. That’s all Jeno needed to know. And maybe sometimes he’d catch Renjun staring, or he’d notice Renjun get flustered after a simple compliment, or he’d think Renjun went out of his way to spend time with him, but…he’d noticed a lot of those things about Jaemin, too. He’d thought he had, anyway. So he didn’t think too much about Renjun. He didn’t trust himself to know.

He just wondered a little, from time to time.

“Okay,” Renjun said, and Jeno thought his ears turned slightly pink, but he couldn’t be sure. Renjun frowned a little, and in a much lower voice he asked, “Are you okay?”

“Me? Yeah, I’m fine.”

The next morning, Jisung was smug and showing his phone to everyone around. “Look how cute they are,” he repeated to everyone he showed, eliciting exaggerated cooing or vaguely suggestive remarks. Mark and Jaemin were sporting matching embarrassed expressions, but they let Jisung have his fun. It was only a matter of time before Jeno ended up with the phone shoved in his face.

On the screen was a picture of Mark and Jaemin all snuggled together in bed, both still asleep. Most of their bodies were covered by blankets, but just from their positions Jeno could tell that Jaemin had to be mostly on top of Mark. His head was tucked into the crook of Mark’s neck.

Jeno didn’t want to look. And yet he couldn’t look away.

“That’s probably exactly how you and Chenle looked,” Renjun commented, peering over Jeno’s shoulder.

“Maybe so, but we woke up first,” Chenle called.

It wasn’t a big deal. Like Renjun implied, a lot of the boys were cuddlers, whether they liked to admit it or not. Jaemin definitely was. Jeno had more than once woken up with Jaemin glued to his side.

But as far as he knew, no one took pictures when it was him and Jaemin. No one teased them mercilessly about it. No one really cared at all.

“Renjunnie and Jeno looked a little like that,” Donghyuck said. “I wanted to take a picture, but Renjun started moving.”

Jeno had woken up very close to Renjun. Renjun had had a hard time looking him in the eye.

Of course the others took notice when it was him and Renjun.

“As heartwarming as this is,” Doyoung said, “we have to get to the studio.”

Jeno had never been more grateful for Doyoung keeping everyone to a schedule.

Jaemin spent the rest of the two weeks in Seoul in the room with Mark, Chenle, and Jisung. And from then on, Jaemin never wasn’t in a hotel room with Mark. It was half their own decision and half almost an inside joke with the other boys about how Mark and Jaemin couldn’t be apart. There were still times when more than two of them shared a room, and often they’d all congregate in one room together at least for a little while before they all went to their own rooms to sleep, but Mark and Jaemin were always together in the end.

And those days in Seoul recording the second album brought another thought with them, one that came to Jeno late at night as he laid awake and thought about the way Jaemin was acting while Renjun, Shotaro, and Donghyuck slept. Jaemin knew chasing after Mark was a hopeless cause. He’d admitted it himself. But Jaemin never put any space between him and Mark, never even seemed to try to get Mark out of his mind. And he talked to Jeno all the time, told him all about his feelings, feelings for a boy who would never feel the same way about him. Jeno was right fucking there, and Jeno loved Jaemin, and Jaemin acted like he cared too sometimes. He could be so sweet and so kind and give Jeno his attention like they were the only people alive. He could give Jeno glimpses of something he’d been waiting years for. And then he’d snatch it all away, sometimes just by saying Mark’s name. Once upon a time, Jeno had been sure Jaemin liked him back. So Jeno couldn’t help but start to wonder…

Did Jaemin know about Jeno? Did he know Jeno was in love with him? Was this all just a game to him?

Chapter Text

Jeno wakes up to yelling. It doesn’t sound mad, necessarily, but someone’s definitely worked up. He can tell the bus is parked, and he hunts for his phone with one hand to check the time. He finally finds it, and the screen hurts his eyes to look at. It’s past ten. With a groan, he crawls out of his bunk.

As he wakes up more and walks closer to the action, he starts to recognize voices—Donghyuck’s, most notably. He’s the loud one, and definitely the one who woke Jeno up. Everyone else is speaking at a more reasonable volume, though Jeno’s still not sure about what. He can also hear the patter of rain on the top of the bus.

“It’s just a sore throat,” Jisung says as Jeno comes out into the living space of the bus. It seems he’s the last one up.

“Just a sore throat?” Donghyuck says incredulously, still louder than Jeno thinks he needs to be, but, to be fair, he doesn’t know what’s going on. “I need full, painless use of my throat, I’m a singer!”

“If you don’t stop bringing that up, I swear I’m gonna come over there and cough all over you.”

“Stay the fuck away from me.”

Jeno finds an empty spot to sit as Taeyong tries to mediate whatever’s going on here. He’s next to Jaemin by chance, and Jaemin gives him a small smile.

“Good morning,” Jaemin says.

“Morning,” Jeno says. “What’s, uh…what’s going on?”

“Jisung’s sick. Happens at least once per tour leg.”

“Oh. Is he good to perform?”

“He should be. He says it’s just a sore throat. Donghyuck’s worried he’s gonna catch it, though, especially since we’re probably all gonna be stuck in here until soundcheck. We do this every time something like this happens.”

“Jihyo’s already found cold medicine, throat lozenges, juice, and soup that you can have later,” Doyoung says, looking at his phone and cutting Donghyuck off mid-sentence.

“Is there anything Jihyo can’t do?” Chenle asks.

“Not really,” Doyoung replies matter-of-factly.

“If I lose my voice because of you, I’m gonna be so mad,” Donghyuck says petulantly, but at least he’s lowered his volume.

“You haven’t lost your voice while on tour yet,” Doyoung says. “Everything will be okay.”

“And if you do,” Chenle says, “you can lipsync and we’ll get dragged by everyone on the internet.”

“You can laugh,” Donghyuck says, “but it could happen to you too.”

“Please stop expecting the worst,” Doyoung says. “We’ve dealt with this before. It’ll be fine.”

“Hyuckie just likes being dramatic,” Jaemin says quietly, so only Jeno can hear. Hyuckie. For some reason, it makes Jeno think about sitting outside Mark and Jaemin’s house with Donghyuck and Donghyuck telling him he’d never called him by any nicknames. Telling him he’d never liked him.

“It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t raining,” Mark says. Correction: only Jeno and Mark could hear. He’s on Jaemin’s other side, and Jeno honestly thought he was sleeping. His eyes are still closed. Jaemin turns to him with a look that’s somehow fond and melancholy at the same time. But Jeno thinks Jaemin’s always fond when he looks at Mark. Or adoring, maybe that’s a better word. That’s the baseline.

“Markie, why don’t you go back to your bunk?” Jaemin says. “No one will mind. We’ll get you when we need you.”

Mark opens his eyes. “If I go back to my bunk, I guarantee Donghyuck will start yelling again.”

“I’ll stick Chenle’s socks in his mouth to keep him quiet.”

Mark chuckles. “Why Chenle’s?”

“Because Chenle leaves them lying around everywhere.” Jaemin puts a hand on Mark’s arm. “Seriously, though. At least just go lie down.”

“I’m okay.”

“Please? For me?”

Mark grimaces. “You’re the worst.”

“Yes, I know, caring about you is seriously unfair of me.”

Mark sighs. “Okay. You win.”

Jaemin smiles sweetly at him and Mark rolls his eyes as he gets up, but Jeno can tell that he’s endeared. Jaemin’s smile drops once Mark’s out of sight, and he drags his hands down his face.

“Is he…okay?” Jeno asks gently.

“He’s tired,” Jaemin says, voice muffled by his fingers.

“Is that all?”

“Is that not enough?” Jaemin shrugs. “I don’t know. He won’t tell me.”

He chews on his lower lip. Jeno has to refrain from wrapping an arm around him. There’s space between them, both literal and figurative.

“Are you okay?” Jeno asks.

“Yeah, I’m…I’m fine. Just want him to sleep. He gets grouchy when he’s tired.”

That’s not why. That much is more than obvious. He’s deflecting to hide how truly upset he is. Jaemin is so caring, all the time, but especially when it comes to Mark. He’d do anything for Mark. Always Mark.

“Don’t torture yourself if he won’t tell you, Jaemin. That’s not your fault, and there’s not much you can do about it.”

“I guess.” Jaemin sounds doubtful. Jeno wonders if Mark even realizes how much this is bothering Jaemin. He should.

Maybe he just doesn’t care.

Jeno doesn’t get a chance to say anything else about it—and he doesn’t even know what he would’ve said, because he wanted to tell Jaemin he was there for him if he ever needed to talk or anything, but he’s not sure how that would’ve come across. It doesn’t matter anyway. Donghyuck takes a seat on the other side of Jeno, and Jeno’s not even surprised. Donghyuck’s practically attached to his hip these days.

“Hello,” he says cheerfully.

“Hi,” Jaemin says. “Aren’t you getting too close to Jisung now?”

None of them are really that close to Jisung where they are right now, but Donghyuck was farther away before.

“There’s still Shotaro directly between him and me,” Donghyuck says. “I’m hoping he’ll just absorb all the germs.”

Jaemin laughs. “Wow.”

“Don’t act surprised. He’ll be stuck in a hotel room with him too to keep him away from the people who sing the most.”

“We’re lucky he’s a good sport.”

“We’re lucky he adores Jisung even more than you do.”

Jaemin glares at Donghyuck. “How dare you?”

Donghyuck grins. “Did Mark go back to bed?”

“Yeah, so you have to stay quiet.”

“As a mouse, I promise.” Donghyuck looks thoughtfully in the direction of the bunks. “Weird.”

“What’s weird?” Jeno asks. The smile Donghyuck gives him seems strangely indulgent. But everything Donghyuck does seems strange in one way or another, at least to Jeno.

“Oh, nothing, Jeno-yah. Don’t you worry about it.”

Jeno looks away, and catches the look Jaemin gives Donghyuck. It’s a little confused, but more than that, too. Concerned, maybe. Jeno wonders if everyone in the band is concerning Jaemin.

And if they are, how much of it has to do with Jeno?

“We’ll be done with this leg before you even know it,” Donghyuck says to Jaemin, and he sounds genuinely sympathetic. “Then everyone can rest for a while.”

“Yeah,” Jaemin says. He purses his lips and looks towards the bunks like Donghyuck did.

“Careful,” Donghyuck says, very quietly and close to Jeno’s ear while Jaemin’s distracted by his own thoughts. “The claws can come out when we’re not touring.”

“What does that mean?” Jeno asks, loud enough that Jaemin turns back to them, but Donghyuck only winks.

“Hey, did you guys see our new dating rumor?” Donghyuck asks, raising his voice so the whole group can hear him.

“Hyuckie, you have got to stop stalking fans on Twitter,” Renjun says.

“Hey, if they put it on the internet, it’s not my fault. But this one isn’t just the fans, it’s journalist approved.”

Jeno pays little attention as the others continue to gossip about the gossip about them. It’s Chenle and the lead singer and rhythm guitarist of Black Mamba this time, apparently, and Jeno’s not really interested. Someone’s always speculating about the Neos’ relationships. And not just romantic relationships. Jeno hasn’t been able to stop himself from looking, and there’s been plenty of speculation about him since he’s been back. The newsites have been nice to him, but he’s seen some of the things the fans have been saying. He knows there seems to be more and more people who don’t believe he left on good terms with the other members. It’s a better story if he didn’t, and that might have something to do with it, but it’s also true.

Jeno looks at Renjun. He seems spaced out, like he’s not really paying attention either. The media never picked up on their relationship, never even speculated, but none of the members were out to the public back then. Jaemin and Jisung still aren’t, as far as Jeno knows. He supposes he’s technically not, either, but he’s not sure how many people would really care. Renjun talked a time or two about going public with their relationship, but Jeno was never interested in that. Jeno didn’t want anyone to know.

He would’ve told the whole world about Jaemin in heartbeat if things had been different. He wonders if Renjun knows that.

Someone knocks on the door of the bus, interrupting the relationship talk. Doyoung goes over to open it, letting Jihyo, bundled up in a raincoat and carrying a bunch of shit for Jisung, come on.

“Poor Jisungie,” Donghyuck sighs quietly as Jihyo goes over to give everything to Jisung. “Sick all the time.” He looks at Jeno. “It’s been worse since you quit the band. I wonder why that is.”

He sounds so nonchalant, like he doesn’t think the two things are even related, but his gaze is hard. And Jeno doesn’t think Donghyuck ever says anything without meaning. Not to him.

“Oh well,” Donghyuck says with a shrug before Jeno can think of a response. He gets up without another word to go pester Renjun, leaving Jeno once again alone with Jaemin, or as alone as they can get on a tour bus with more than a dozen people currently occupying it. Jeno looks at Jaemin, unsure if he heard what Donghyuck just said or not, and Jaemin only smiles a little.

“You two are getting along better than you used to,” he says, and Jeno really can’t tell if that’s supposed to be ironic or not.

“I’m not so sure,” Jeno says. Jaemin hums, and he looks like he’s considering something. Jeno almost asks what’s on his mind, but he doesn’t really want to waste time talking about Donghyuck with Jaemin.

He and Jaemin do have a pretty nice chat, but it feels like not nearly enough time before Jaemin’s disappearing to go get Mark for soundcheck. Mark doesn’t really look any better than he did earlier, but he also doesn’t look any worse. Donghyuck finds Jeno again after the sprint through the rain into the venue, but luckily he doesn’t have much time to irritate him before they have to get to work. Jeno always just gets to watch for most of soundcheck, but he does come in for a couple songs to make sure the Rickenbacker sounds good. Once they’re done, they just hang out backstage because of the rain, and Donghyuck still makes a big deal about keeping away from Jisung.

Maybe it really has been worse since Jeno left, but Jisung used to get sick a lot when they were younger, too. More than the rest of them did.

(“Jisung’s made himself sick about this!” Doyoung screamed, angrier than Jeno had ever seen him. With one last defiant flare of anger, Jeno thought: Good. He should’ve minded his own fucking business.)

At least they won’t have to sleep on the bus tonight. That should help.

One thing that came with being in the music industry at such a young age—and especially being on the road doing gigs at such a young age—was fairly easy access to alcohol. It didn’t matter how vigilant Doyoung and Taeyong and Jihyo were. The booze got around. Jaemin never really liked it, and Jisung was too afraid of getting caught to have even a sip, but the rest of them definitely drank before it was legal for them to do so, to varying degrees. Shotaro never drank enough to even get tipsy, and Renjun saved it for special occasions, and it didn’t really matter much for Mark because he hit drinking age a full year before any of the rest of them, at least in Korea. At first, Jeno didn’t really drink much himself, because he didn’t want to risk getting a three hour lecture from Doyoung. Somewhere around the recording of the second album, his indulgence soared. And even though by that point it was only a matter of months before it was legal, legality wasn’t really the only issue. But it was easier being around Jaemin, and Jaemin and Mark, at least a little buzzed than it was completely sober.

Jaemin worried about him. In some perverse way, Jeno liked that. Not that he worried Jaemin, but just that Jaemin cared. Renjun worried too. Renjun worried a lot.

The alcohol helped numb the pain, but it numbed Jeno’s judgment, too. And the worst part—the most dangerous part—was that he didn’t really realize it. He always felt like his head was on straight. Or maybe that’s not really the right way to put it. Sometimes he definitely felt like he was going out of his mind. But he could still make sense of his own actions. If he was in control of nothing else, at least he was in control of himself.

It took only one night to ruin that illusion.

Jeno asked Renjun out on New Year’s Day. It was about two in the morning, or maybe even closer to three. Renjun wasn’t really watching the clock, not once midnight was gone. By that point in the night, they’d destroyed Doyoung and Taeyong’s apartment and the excitement was dying down. Taeyong had gone to bed and Jisung had fallen asleep on the couch, and everyone else was spread out on the floor and in chairs, having various quiet conversations. The only light in the room came from the TV screen, which was showing a movie no one was really paying attention to. It was a groundfloor apartment, and it had a little patio, and at some point Jeno had snuck out onto it in just a flimsy ass coat. Renjun noticed. Of course he noticed. He always noticed Jeno. He gave Jeno a little time, but it seemed like he didn’t have any plans of coming back inside, and it was cold out there. So eventually, inevitably, Renjun followed him out.

“Do you mind a little company?” he asked once he was out there. Jeno looked up at him and shrugged, and Renjun figured that meant he could sit. “Why are you out here by yourself?”

“No reason. The apartment’s just…really warm. Did you notice?”

Renjun couldn’t say that he had, but maybe Jeno was just naturally warmer than Renjun was. He shook his head. After another moment, he hesitantly asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

That was the standard answer Renjun usually got, even when he knew it was a lie. That night, he couldn’t be sure. Maybe Jeno really was just overheated. There were a lot of people in the apartment. And Jeno never responded well to prying, so Renjun decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. They sat in silence for a while, and it felt comfortable to Renjun. Maybe there was nothing that needed to be said.

“Do you like me?”

Renjun was almost as surprised by the silence being broken as he was by the question he was being asked. He knew he wasn’t good at hiding it—the whole band had figured it out—but he’d been praying Jeno hadn’t noticed. Maybe that was naïve. He looked at Jeno, and couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

“What do you mean?” He laughed nervously. “Of course I like you. Aren’t we friends?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

Renjun wondered how silly he would’ve seemed if he just kept pretending not to know what Jeno was talking about. Probably very. He looked at the ground.

“Why do you ask?”

“Because I think you might. But I…I don’t think I’m really that good at being able to tell. So I was just wondering.”

He didn’t sound too freaked out or anything, and Renjun knew he wouldn’t be, like, disgusted, because Jeno was literally gay himself, and no one in the band but Mark was straight. Jeno was nice. He’d be nice to Renjun no matter what.

Renjun laughed again. “You really must not be good at figuring that stuff out. The rest of the band has.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Renjun looked over at him. He was nodding slowly. Renjun opened his mouth to say all the stuff he figured he should—“I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable” and “I won’t let it get in the way of work” and “I hope we can still be friends”—but Jeno spoke first.

“You wanna go out with me sometime?”

Renjun froze for a second before he said, “Like, on a date, right? You don’t just have the worst timing to ask me if I wanna hang out?”

Jeno chuckled. “No. I mean, yes? I—I’m asking you out on a date.”

Renjun felt his face heating up, but if he was blushing, he could blame it on the cold. There had been times when he’d thought that maybe Jeno liked him back, but he’d never wanted to get his hopes up too high. Jeno could be hard to read sometimes, and Renjun hadn’t wanted to embarrass himself.

If only he’d known.

Renjun couldn’t fight his grin as he said, “I’d like that.” He wanted to play it cool, but he never had a chance of that. Jeno smiled that cute, cute smile of his, and Renjun was a lost cause. He was proud of himself for not immediately climbing right into Jeno’s lap and kissing the hell out of him.

They didn’t make any absolute plans then, but Jeno promised they’d talk later to figure out details. They saw each other almost every day, they had plenty of time. Renjun felt like he was dreaming when they went back inside. He wasn’t sure he hadn’t fallen asleep like Jisung. He’d just gone out to check on Jeno. He’d never expected to be asked out by the guy he’d been crushing on since high school. It seemed too good to be true.

Renjun barely took notice of Jaemin sitting on Mark’s lap in one of the armchairs. There was no reason to. Furniture space was limited, and they were all friends. They weren’t even the only ones; most of Jisung’s upper body was keeping Shotaro trapped on the couch. Mark and Jaemin were completely unremarkable, at the time.

Renjun’s had a lot of time to think, a lot of time to remember. He still knows the wounded look Jeno would get in his eyes from time to time, the one Renjun could never quite explain—until the day he finally could. He didn’t see it that night, but he thinks now that maybe he just wasn’t looking.

He sees it a lot nowadays. At least now he knows what it means.

The concert goes as well as any other night, even with Jisung being sick. Doyoung gets them all moving a little faster than usual, probably so Jisung can get to the hotel to rest. The boys discuss the performance on the bus, and one thing Jeno’s noticed since the tour started is that they never seem completely satisfied. There’s always something they want to fix.

They all pause in the hotel hallway to tell each other they did well one last time, like they usually do, and Jeno can’t help but notice that Mark seems pretty out of it. He just kind of sags against the door to his hotel room while the others are all still talking, which gets Jaemin’s attention—and everyone else’s, to be fair—immediately.

“Are you okay, Markie?” Jaemin asks, hurrying to Mark’s side and putting a hand on his upper arm.

“Yeah, sorry,” Mark says.

“Jisung, did you infect him already?” Donghyuck asks.

“It wasn’t me!” Jisung swears. Mark chuckles.

“I’m not sick. Just tired. Really, I’m good.”

“Get some sleep, dude,” Chenle says. “You look like shit.”

Mark nods. “Yeah. Good show, everyone.”

He brushes Jaemin’s hand off and turns to get the door open, and Jaemin’s right on his heels as he enters the room. Jeno and the others all stay in the hallway for a few more moments after the door is shut behind them, looking around at each other somewhat awkwardly.

“Um,” Jisung says finally. “He’s gonna be okay, right?” No one answers him, and he nods nervously. “Okay.”

They all tell Jisung they hope he feels better before going into their own rooms. As Jeno follows Donghyuck in, he thinks about earlier on the bus, after Mark went back to his bunk, and the little comment Donghyuck made. ‘Weird.’

“Do you know what’s up with Mark?” Jeno asks.

“Huh?” Donghyuck looks at Jeno like he didn’t even realize he was here. He seems deep in thought. Jeno repeats his question, and Donghyuck shakes his head slowly. “Jaemin will work it out of him.”

He doesn’t sound sure. He doesn’t look sure, either.

“I don’t know, he doesn’t seem to have a lot of time for Jaemin lately.”

“Are you kidding? They’re together constantly.”

“Hey, you were the one who told me they were having a lovers’ quarrel.”

Donghyuck crosses his arms. “Yeah, I did. And that’s their business. You don’t need to protect Jaemin from Mark, of all people.”

“So you’re all still mad at me for what I did to Jaemin, but Mark can hurt him right in front of all of you and that’s just ‘their business?’”

“Jesus Christ, literally everything is about Jaemin with you. Look, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, Jeno. You are never gonna get anywhere with the rest of the boys if you keep thinking that the only issue is what you did at the party that night.”

Jeno takes a deep breath and thinks carefully about what Donghyuck just said. “I know I fucked up with Renjun, too, okay? I haven’t forgotten that. I couldn’t possibly forget that with the way Chenle glares at me every time the three of us are in the same room. But Mark’s issue isn’t with Renjun.”

Donghyuck opens his mouth to speak, then closes it abruptly, shakes his head, and smiles. “I gotta hand it to you, dude. You always exceed expectations.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I’m gonna take a shower now. I’m literally covered in dried sweat and it’s really gross. Behave yourself while I’m in there, will you?”

“Oh, fuck off.”

Donghyuck snorts and walks to the bathroom. Jeno sits on one of the beds, and for a brief moment he wonders if this is even worth it. He loves performing with the boys, but Donghyuck always leaves him feeling like he can’t ever relax. Maybe that’s the point.

Maybe Donghyuck’s whole goal is just to make Jeno’s life a living hell.

“Ten…nine…eight…seven…six…five…four…three…two…one!”

The whole room erupted in cheers, and a second late and louder than all of that was Donghyuck whining, “Oh, seriously?”

Jihyo pulled away from a—very chaste, in Jeno’s opinion—kiss with Nayeon. “Just wait until you get a boyfriend, Hyuck-ah. You’re gonna get this exact same treatment from me.”

“And me!” Nayeon said happily.

“Happy New Year,” Jaemin said, bumping Jeno’s shoulder with his own. His hair was pink back then. It was the cutest thing Jeno had ever seen.

“Happy New Year,” Jeno repeated. Jaemin had been with him most of the night, so close, with his pretty pink hair and his heartstopping smile, and he’d barely even mentioned Mark. Mark was there, of course, but he’d been talking to others. Jeno had had Jaemin all to himself. That’s how it felt, anyway.

But Jaemin knew how to deceive him.

“Any goals for this year?” Jaemin asked. Jeno shrugged.

“Move to Seoul.”

That had been the talk lately, between all of the boys and their little road crew. The second album had been another commercial success, and though they certainly weren’t ready to record a third one yet, the time would come before the end of the year. And they were figuring they’d have more of a budget and that one would take longer than the second, just as the second took longer than the first. It would be more convenient if they were all living in Seoul.

Jaemin grinned. “That’s a good one.”

“What about you?”

“I don’t know. Write a song that doesn’t suck, maybe.”

“Your songs don’t suck, Nana. We just had one of yours on the last album, and the fans love it.”

Jaemin rolled his eyes. “I contributed some lyrics, that hardly makes it mine.”

“But still, they’re good lyrics. Seriously. You’re good. I don’t know why you don’t believe that.”

Jaemin just smiled a little and didn’t respond. He changed the subject to the newest celebrity friend Shotaro had just made—Shotaro could always make friends with anyone so easily—and Jeno had to tell himself not to stare at his lips as he talked. He wondered a little what Jaemin would do if he kissed him. No one else was paying attention to them, and Jaemin was so close. Jeno would only have to lean forward a little. Like Nayeon and Jihyo, they could start the new year off right.

“Are you seriously writing right now?” Donghyuck asked shrilly, getting the attention of everyone in the room. He was standing in front of Mark, who was sitting in the corner of the room with a pencil and a notebook.

“Why are you being so loud?” Mark asked with a laugh.

“Because I’m a little drunk,” Donghyuck admitted easily. “Now answer the question.”

Mark looked around the room, seeming a little uncomfortable that everyone was staring at him. “I just—had some ideas.”

“It’s a party, Mark,” Chenle said. “You’re not supposed to be working. We already had to take Doyoung hyung’s phone away from him.”

“I don’t know why I agreed to manage you assholes,” Doyoung grumbled.

“I’m not working,” Mark insisted.

“Songwriting counts as working,” Donghyuck said. “Jaemin, come collect this man.”

Jaemin was the ultimate weapon against Mark, and everyone in the room knew it. Mark couldn’t fight Jaemin if he told him to jump off a cliff. He already looked resigned.

Jaemin chuckled and stood up. “Come on, Markie, it’s New Year’s,” he said as he walked over to him. He held his hands out to him when he reached him. Mark looked at him with a pathetic pout. “Come on.”

With a sigh, Mark took Jaemin’s hands and got to his feet, leaving his notebook abandoned. Jaemin crouched to grab it, still keeping hold of one of Mark’s hands. Once he straightened back up, he looked around.

“What are you all looking at?”

That was enough to get everyone back to what they had been doing. Jaemin started to lead Mark in Jeno’s direction, and Jeno wasn’t really sure he wanted to be around the two of them. Not while he was still thinking about the plushness of Jaemin’s lips. He got up in a rush and took a seat next to Chenle, who was the closest person to him.

“Hey, dude,” Chenle said, seeming only mildly surprised by Jeno’s sudden appearance. Jeno clearly interrupted a conversation between him, Shotaro, and Jisung, but they all smiled at him, so he figured it was fine. He caught Jaemin’s eyes for just a second, and Jaemin smiled too, a little bemused, but something else too. So subtle Jeno couldn’t quite be sure it was there. Maybe…maybe he was just seeing things.

Jeno’s not sure how long he talked with Chenle, Shotaro, and Jisung, but he knows Jisung eventually fell asleep on top of Shotaro, and at some point Mark and Jaemin found a chair to occupy. Together. Things were starting to wind down by that point. Everyone was getting pretty quiet. And Jeno was finding it hard not to look at Jaemin on Mark’s lap, head tilted slightly downward as they whispered to each other. He wondered if Jaemin watched Mark’s lips, if he thought about what would happen if he kissed him. Jaemin probably could’ve gotten away with it too, because Jaemin was just naturally affectionate enough, and just weird enough. He could’ve claimed he meant nothing romantic by it and probably have been believed.

Jeno would’ve known better.

The apartment was beginning to feel very stuffy. Jeno excused himself from Chenle and Shotaro’s drifting conversation, grabbed his jacket, and headed out onto Doyoung and Taeyong’s little patio. There were two shitty folding chairs sitting there, and Jeno took a seat. It was definitely cold out, but Jeno didn’t care. It helped clear his mind. It helped get Jaemin off his mind.

He needed to get Jaemin off his mind. That was a good fucking goal for the new year, because Jaemin sure wasn’t trying to do the same with Mark.

He was out there maybe ten minutes before he heard the door opening and someone coming out to join him.

“Do you mind a little company?” Renjun. It was Renjun. Somehow, that didn’t surprise him. It seemed like Renjun was always coming to check on him. Jeno looked at him and shrugged, and he took the other chair. “Why are you out here by yourself?”

Jeno did not want to get into it. “No reason. The apartment’s just…really warm. Did you notice?”

Renjun shook his head. Jeno figured he would. It’s not like he would’ve been in there staring at Mark and Jaemin and overanalyzing every little thing that they did.

“Are you okay?” Renjun asked after a pause.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Fine. Jeno hadn’t felt fine in a long time, maybe since he was sixteen and he went to go tell his best friend that he liked him. The deeper Jeno got, the deeper Jaemin got, it seemed. There was nothing Jeno could do about it.

Almost nothing.

Jeno looked at Renjun out of the corner of his eye. Renjun was always looking after him, even when Jeno didn’t want to be looked after. Every once in a while, Jeno would catch something one of the other members would say when they thought Jeno wasn’t around. He’d never heard his own name point blank, but he’d heard enough to know that Renjun liked someone, and Jeno thought he’d been seeing the signs. He’d been wondering more and more lately.

Renjun was nice. He was cute. He was funny. He was honest. Anyone would’ve been lucky to date him. And Jeno needed to get out of Jaemin’s grip. Jeno liked Renjun. He thought that maybe he could learn to love Renjun.

He thought about the look in Jaemin’s eyes earlier, that bemused smile. That gloating smile. Ever since they’d recorded the second album, he’d felt ill at ease. Felt like Jaemin was toying with him, seeing how far he could push him. He didn’t know if Jaemin fully realized what he was doing, because Jaemin just wasn’t that kind of a person, but it was taking its toll regardless. Jeno didn’t know how much longer he’d last like this.

He envisioned that smile again and made up his mind.

“Do you like me?”

By the time they got to the hotel, Jisung’s sore throat had been joined by a stuffy nose and a pounding headache. Everyone saw this coming. Jisung’s mother always used to say that he worried himself to illness, and he doesn’t necessarily think she was wrong, but his worrying doesn’t come from a healthy place, either. That’s why he’s been in therapy and on medication since he was a teen.

Jisung has more than enough to worry about these days.

He’s been trying to sleep for over an hour. He’s not sure if it’s his head or his nose or his throat or the anxiety in his stomach that’s keeping him awake. It doesn’t matter in the long run. Maybe he’ll end up like Mark.

Jisung turns onto his side. He doesn’t want to think about Mark.

“Sungie,” Shotaro says tiredly, and Jisung can admit that it freaks him out a little. He thought Shotaro was asleep. “Do you just feel like shit, or is something on your mind?”

“What?”

“I can hear you tossing and turning over there.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Shotaro sits up. “You’re not usually like this with a cold. You take some NyQuil and you’re out for like ten hours.”

Shotaro would know better than anyone besides Jisung himself. Shotaro always gets shackled with Jisung when he gets sick because Donghyuck, Chenle, and Renjun sing the most and Mark and Jaemin are inseparable. They could easily just get another room for Jisung, but Jisung always feels weird staying in a hotel room by himself, and Shotaro’s nice enough to pretend there’s no correlation when he starts to develop his own symptoms.

Jisung sits up himself. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re not a good liar, Jisung. You don’t have to tell me, but I don’t think you’re gonna get to sleep tonight if you don’t.”

Shotaro knows Jisung well. He might know him the best out of anyone in the band, besides Chenle. Jaemin would kill him for saying that, but Jisung thinks it’s true.

“I can get Chenle, if you want,” Shotaro offers. “You can talk to him while he sharpens his knives or whatever he does in his free time nowadays.”

Jisung laughs quietly. “Don’t get Chenle. He’s probably asleep by now, anyway.”

“He’d get up for you.”

That’s probably true. Jisung’s not completely oblivious. He knows Chenle has a soft spot for him. Chenle still lives with him, even though he loves to talk about how much of a disaster roommate Jisung is. Some people—some members of the band, even—are convinced they’re going to end up married eventually.

The chances of that are very slim. Call Jisung a romantic, but he always envisioned that he’d marry someone who was actually in love with him.

“Let him sleep.”

“Then you’re stuck with me, Sungie.”

Even though that’s not how Shotaro meant it, Jisung thinks that’s very accurate. Jisung is stuck with Shotaro, and Shotaro’s stuck with Jisung, too. Jisung sometimes thinks that in a way, he and Shotaro are the outsiders, the only ones who are not and have never been involved with whatever fucked up love hexagon the others have going on. That’s okay. There are worse things to be. Jisung’s already done enough damage from the outside, he can’t imagine what it would be like if he was a participant.

“Do you think the other boys are mad at me?”

“Why would the other boys be mad at you?”

Shotaro knows why. He was right there with Jisung that night. And maybe not all the boys would be mad specifically at Jisung, but what Jisung did had ripple effects. Jaemin has to be mad. He doesn’t act like he is, but he loves to compartmentalize. They’ve never really talked about that night. No one ever really talks about that night with Jaemin, because Jaemin doesn’t like to talk about it, and Jisung can’t blame him.

Jaemin could blame Jisung. What happened that night is Jisung’s fault.

“Sungie, why would the boys be mad at you?” Shotaro prompts gently when Jisung doesn’t respond.

“Mark,” Jisung says instead of an answer, and it’s almost involuntary. “Do you think whatever’s going on with Mark…do you think that’s because of me?”

“Ohhhh,” Shotaro says, quietly and slowly. “So that’s what this is about.”

Shotaro’s the only one Jisung’s ever talked to about this. He’s never even talked to Chenle about it.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Jisungie.”

That’s what Shotaro always says. Because that’s who Shotaro is. Shotaro’s the strongest force of neutrality in the band, stronger than even Mark, who tries so hard to be their responsible and level-headed leader. Jisung thinks that might have something to with the fact that he showed up last. Not the last member of the band, but the last of the boys. The other boys had had more time to leave their marks on each other, for better or for worse, before Shotaro met all of them. Jisung still feels bad sometimes for dragging Shotaro into all of this, because Shotaro wouldn’t even be here if Jisung hadn’t been so excited to introduce him to everyone when he found out he played the guitar.

“It doesn’t feel like that.”

“I know. But even if you were to blame…it’s been seven years. That would be one hell of a delayed reaction. I don’t think whatever’s up with Mark has anything to do with you. In fact, I don’t really think it has anything to do with the party or Jeno leaving at all. Mark’s been kinda weird since before we all saw Jeno again. You said so yourself, remember?”

Jisung does remember. He knows. But they went through something like this once before, and that was Jisung’s fault. No matter what Shotaro says.

“Okay,” Shotaro says, throwing his covers back, when Jisung once again doesn’t answer. He pads over to Jisung’s bed, to the side Jisung’s not occupying, and crawls in.

“Taro, you’re gonna get sick,” Jisung protests.

“Jisungie, I always get sick when you get sick. Now, I want you to listen to me. I know you’re worried. I am too. I know I can’t just tell you to stop, and I can’t make you believe anything I say. But if you don’t wanna start waking people up, I don’t think we can solve anything tonight. You’re sick. You need to sleep.” Even in the dark, Jisung can see Shotaro smile. “The band will still be a mess tomorrow, I promise.”

Jisung chuckles in spite of himself.

“If this is still bothering you this much, though, you really should talk to Jaemin,” Shotaro says. “He still likes you best.”

“He likes Mark best.”

“Besides Mark. I don’t think it’ll be as bad as you think it will be.”

Jisung thinks it might, because Jaemin doesn’t just like Mark best. Jaemin loves Mark. He has for a very long time. And that’s kind of the problem, because, though they all have their own assumptions and beliefs and maybe even hopes, no one has ever actually been a hundred percent sure how deep Mark’s own feelings for Jaemin go, and Jisung’s a little scared that it doesn’t even matter. He’s a little scared that he ruined things for them before they ever even had a chance.

If there was anything Jaemin could stay mad at Jisung about, it would be that.

Shotaro coaxes Jisung to lie back down, and Jisung admittedly does feel a little bit better with him here. Shotaro usually has that effect. Jisung doesn’t exactly sleep peacefully, but he does sleep.

In the room next door, Jaemin Na doesn’t sleep at all.

Chapter Text

Jisung’s cold makes it to Shotaro, Mark, Jaemin, Doyoung, and Yuta, but it somehow never bridges the gap to Jeno, Donghyuck, Renjun, and Chenle. Jeno’s especially glad he never gets it, because he’s certain Donghyuck would’ve made him sleep out in the hallway anytime they were at a hotel. Then again, maybe it would’ve been a nice break, because Donghyuck’s still being…Donghyuck. It seems like every time Jeno turns around, Donghyuck’s there, and every day it’s a little worse. He’s a little worse. Jeno almost longs for the days when they were at each other’s throats, because at least then he knew exactly where they stood with regards to each other.

They’re moving closer to the end of the first leg of the tour, though. Hopefully Jeno will get a little space during the break.

The unstoppable flow of time brings a different problem, however: Jeno’s birthday.

Halfway through April, Doyoung starts asking about cakes and parties and presents, and Jeno breaks out into a cold sweat. They have a concert on Jeno’s birthday, but they have a day off two days before. Jeno really should’ve been anticipating this, but honestly, his birthday has been the last thing on his mind.

He doesn’t want a party. He doesn’t want to be the center of attention right now.

Doyoung raises an eyebrow when he tells him. “No one’s gonna make a scene, Jeno. No one has yet.”

“Still,” Jeno says. “No party. Please.”

Doyoung shrugs. “Unfortunately, there will be a party. Chaeyoung’s birthday is the same day as yours. But I’ll tell everyone not to make it about you.”

Jeno can live with that. He’s sure the boys won’t be that disappointed, and most of the crew members don’t even know when his birthday is. And it’s not that out of the ordinary for him. Jeno hasn’t done much to celebrate his birthday in a long time. About seven years, to be exact. The last couple years, Doyoung’s called, and Guanheng’s come over with a bottle of really cheap bourbon, and that’s been about it.

He didn’t really feel like there was much to celebrate. Just another year older.

Of course, Jeno not wanting a party becomes an issue as soon as Donghyuck hears about it.

“What are you afraid of?” Donghyuck pesters him first thing one morning. “That no one will get you any presents?”

“Believe it or not, I’m really not worried about presents.”

“Are you scared everyone will ignore you and only talk to Chaeyoung and it’ll be just like when you were a little kid and no one came to your birthday parties?” he asks after soundcheck.

“I’m not—hold on, people came to my birthday parties.”

“Are you worried Jaemin might get drunk and messy and start yelling at you for fun?” he asks right into Jeno’s ear just as they’re coming off the stage after final bow. Jeno closes his eyes and counts to five so he doesn’t lose his temper in front of all these people.

“No,” he says finally, voice low, “but I am worried I might kill you.”

Donghyuck laughs. “What else is new? Now, come on, tell me why you don’t wanna have a party.”

They’re interrupted by a few crew members telling them they did well. Donghyuck thanks them, both for the compliment and for their hard work, and then turns back to Jeno expectantly. Jeno was hoping he’d be distracted by the attention, but he probably should’ve known better.

“Why does it matter?” Jeno asks.

“Do you just not like parties anymore?” Donghyuck asks, ignoring the question. He nods like he just answered his own question. “I guess that would make sense.”

“Parties are fine. I just don’t need one for me.”

Donghyuck lowers his voice further. “Are you scared you’ll get drunk and messy and do something you’ll regret? Again?”

Jeno clenches his jaw and counts to five again. “I think I learned my lesson. I just don’t…need all that attention right now. It would just be awkward.”

Donghyuck narrows his eyes. “Uh-huh.”

“What?”

Donghyuck smiles. “Nothing, Jeno-yah. Absolutely nothing.”

Jeno’s getting really tired of that. He does think Donghyuck says everything with purpose, but sometimes he wonders if that purpose is just to amuse himself as he watches Jeno try to figure out what the hell he means. Jeno shouldn’t let him get to him like this.

“Then are you happy? There’s your answer.”

“Sure, Jeno. Overjoyed.”

Donghyuck runs off ahead of him to get back to the dressing room, and Jeno can’t say he’s sorry to see him go. He doesn’t know how the other boys have put up with him for seven years.

The day of the party—for Chaeyoung and not for Jeno—comes, and it is still a little awkward because it’s not like the boys have forgotten when Jeno’s birthday is, even if they’re celebrating two days early. But they respect his wishes and don’t call attention to it besides some offhand remarks here and there, and making sure he gets the second piece of cake. Even Donghyuck doesn’t make it a big deal, which is surprising, but Jeno’s grateful. The most it’s acknowledged is when Mark pulls him aside at one point and says, “Hey, um, just how against celebrating your birthday are you?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that it actually is gonna be your birthday in a couple days. Are we like…allowed to talk about it?”

Jeno can’t help but laugh. “Yes, Mark. I just didn’t need a whole big party, you know?”

Mark nods. He hasn’t shaved in a couple days, Jeno thinks. He still has a lingering cough from the cold. Being sick took a lot out of him, and he wasn’t doing well to begin with.

Being sick took a lot out of Jaemin, too. Or maybe it’s just Mark that’s taking a lot out of him. Jeno’s concerned about Mark himself, but that doesn’t mean he has to like the way he’s treating Jaemin, even if everyone else is apparently willing to ignore it, Jaemin included.

“Just checking,” Mark says before they both rejoin the party. The birthday girl’s doing a body shot off of Momo’s pretty impressive abs, and Donghyuck’s trying to convince Doyoung and Yuta to be the next pair up. Jeno can’t even hear them, but he can tell just by the bottle of tequila Donghyuck’s holding, the way Yuta’s laughing, and how mortified Doyoung looks. At least Donghyuck’s tormenting someone else for a little while. Yuta will protect Doyoung.

Donghyuck returns to the hotel room much more sober than he was on Renjun’s birthday, and he’s actually…somewhat pleasant. For once, he doesn’t seem like he’s plotting something. They don’t talk much in between showering and getting ready for bed, and maybe even Donghyuck has to take a break sometime. Or maybe he is just finally getting bored of bothering Jeno all the time. Jeno can only hope.

Jeno falls asleep quickly, and dreams about Seoul.

Jeno’s nineteenth birthday was also celebrated early. The actual day of was spent moving furniture and instruments and boxes and more boxes into an apartment in Seoul that was a little rundown and cramped, but clean and still big enough for four people to live in, as long as they were pretty comfortable with each other. Jeno, Jaemin, Mark, and Renjun were pretty comfortable with each other. They were going to be just fine.

Donghyuck, Shotaro, Chenle, and Jisung were just down the hall in the same building, and Doyoung, Taeyong, Jihyo, Nayeon, and Sana would all be moving at the beginning of the month into places that were just blocks away. They’d all made it. Back then, at least to Jeno, moving to Seoul felt like making it big time. It didn’t get bigger than Seoul, not for a boy from a small, self-contained town and his friends.

He was half right.

It was early evening when they were finally done moving everything in, and though there were boxes everywhere—many of which wouldn’t be completely unpacked for a very long time—they were more or less settled. They were all in agreement to order out for dinner because no one, not even Jaemin, was in the mood to cook, and they would’ve needed to do a grocery run for that anyway. They unpacked necessities as they waited for the food to arrive, and Jeno ditched his shirt as he hunted for cups and plates. His asshole new roommates had made him carry all the heaviest stuff, and he’d worked up a sweat.

Someone behind him oohed appreciatively as he put things into the kitchen cabinets, and when he turned he found Renjun standing, arms crossed, with one hip jutted out against the countertop. He was smirking.

“I didn’t realize this apartment came with a view,” he said, looking Jeno up and down. Jeno blushed.

“I’m hot.”

Renjun raised his eyebrows. “You sure are.”

“Stop it.”

Renjun took his weight off the countertop and started walking in Jeno’s direction. “You walked right into that one.”

“I guess I did.”

Renjun stopped right in front of him and pressed his palms against Jeno’s chest. Jeno jumped a little; somehow, Renjun’s hands were cold. Renjun giggled.

“Well, what do you think?” Renjun asked.

“About what?”

“Home.”

At first, Jeno’s mind still went to their hometown, and he wondered why Renjun was asking about that. He felt silly when he realized what Renjun meant, but they hadn’t even spent a night here yet.

But this was home now. Home, with three of the people Jeno cared about the most. Four more of them just down the hall.

“It’ll do,” Jeno said, to be coy.

“I think so, too.” Renjun smiled sincerely. He did have a nice smile. And he had to lift himself up just a little on his toes to kiss Jeno, which is what he did then, arms moving upwards to circle Jeno’s neck, and Jeno thought he could feel Renjun’s contentment thrumming through him.

“Wow. Okay.”

Renjun made a little surprised noise as he pulled away from Jeno. Jaemin was standing almost exactly where Renjun had been moments ago, and he was smirking rather like Renjun was too, though he was less smug and more simply amused. Jeno could tell Renjun was embarrassed, and he was too, but he felt a little more than that. He felt almost guilty that Jaemin had caught the two of them like this.

“I think maybe we need to establish some ground rules for living together,” Jaemin said. “Starting with: you two aren’t allowed to fuck anywhere I have to sit, sleep, or especially eat.”

Jeno could hear Mark start snickering in the other room.

“Oh my God, it was just a kiss,” Renjun said. His cheeks were dusted pink.

Truthfully, Jaemin didn’t really have anything to worry about. Jeno and Renjun hadn’t gone that far yet. They were taking things very, very slow. This was the first relationship either one of them had ever had. Of course, Jaemin didn’t know all the intimate details, because Jaemin wasn’t nosy and didn’t ask, and Jeno certainly wasn’t just going to offer that information unprompted. Talking at all to Jaemin about his relationship felt a little weird. Felt a little like betrayal. His head told him that was ridiculous, but his heart told him other things.

“Right,” Jaemin said. He looked at Jeno. “We haven’t even all been living together a full day and you’re already comfortable walking around naked?”

“Wait, are they actually fucking in the kitchen?” came Mark’s voice, slightly panicked. Renjun groaned as Jaemin laughed.

“No,” Renjun called. “And nobody’s naked, either. Jaemin’s just being annoying.”

“Jeno’s bare chest is exposed!” Jaemin cried dramatically.

“I got hot!” Jeno said defensively. Mark stuck his head into the room and looked around like he was expecting the worst.

“Look, I don’t really wanna know what is or isn’t going on in here,” he said. “Just…not in the kitchen.”

“Oh my God, all we did was kiss!” Renjun exclaimed. He narrowed his eyes and looked at Jaemin. “I hope you’re happy with yourself.”

“I am,” Jaemin confirmed. Mark reached out and took one of his hands.

“Jaeminie, stop terrorizing them. Come on, I’ll help you unpack your records.”

“Thank you, Mark,” Renjun said. Mark nodded, but he still looked between Jeno and Renjun uncertainly.

“The sit, sleep, and eat thing is a good rule. I think we should go with that.”

Jaemin cackled as Mark pulled him out of the room.

“We should’ve gone with Shotaro and Jisung,” Renjun said. “Shotaro would mind his own business, and Jisung would be way too embarrassed to say anything at all about us fucking.”

“I don’t know if we could’ve separated Jisung and Chenle,” Jeno said. “And Chenle would be just as bad as Jaemin, if not worse. So would Donghyuck, for that matter.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Renjun glanced towards the space Mark and Jaemin had just left. “They can’t actually think we’ll be able to do that much when the walls are this fucking thin.”

Jeno shrugged. “Probably not. But we’re the only ones who aren’t single, so we’re the only ones they can tease.”

They’d waited a bit before they’d told the others they were dating, just until they were sure it was going somewhere, but they all knew by then. Everyone had been especially happy for Renjun, but they’d all known Renjun liked Jeno.

And Jeno liked Renjun too. He really did. Maybe not as much as Renjun liked him, but he could get there.

“They’re just jealous.” Renjun smiled again before kissing Jeno’s cheek. “Happy birthday, baby.”

“Thanks, Renjunnie.” Jeno leaned down to kiss Renjun again, and practically the second their lips touched, he heard the beginning of “Careless Whisper”, sounding like it was coming from someone’s phone. Jaemin was peeking into the kitchen again, and even though Jeno could literally only see his forehead and eyes, he knew how widely he was grinning.

“Can you get lost?” Renjun whined. Jaemin giggled and disappeared, but the music could still be heard. Renjun turned back to Jeno. “Maybe we should finish with the plates.”

Jeno nodded.

As they unpacked the tableware, Mark and Jaemin sang along with the song, purposefully very poorly. Jeno had never paid much attention to the lyrics, not even a Korean translation.

Maybe he should have. Looking back now, it seems fitting.

“Careless Whisper” is not a happy love song.

Jeno’s actual birthday is pretty much like any other day. All the boys, even Renjun and Chenle, give him well wishes, and so do the crew members who have heard through the grapevine what day it is, and Doyoung’s gotten a few gifts for him, but for most of the day, that’s it, and Jeno’s okay with that. Concert time comes, and as Jeno’s about to leave the stage, Donghyuck stops him and gets the audience to join them in singing “Happy Birthday” to him, which is a little embarrassing, but he survives. He knows they would’ve done the same for any of the other boys. They did for Renjun, a day early.

Afterwards, Mark stops him in the hallway on the way back to the dressing room.

“Hey, um…you can just keep the Rickenbacker. Happy birthday.”

For a moment, Jeno is speechless. “Are—are you serious?”

“Yeah, dude. I have plenty of guitars. Start your own collection.”

Again, it takes Jeno a moment to reply. “Mark, I—I can’t accept this—”

“Yes, you can. Seriously. A guitarist as good as you should have a guitar of his own. And, you know, a decent one. It’s not a big deal.”

It’s a big deal to Jeno. Not only is this undoubtedly the most expensive birthday present anyone has ever given him, it’s from Mark. Loaning out the guitar is one thing. Giving it away is another. Especially in these particular circumstances.

“Thank you.” Jeno hopes his level of gratitude is relayed.

Mark smiles. “Don’t mention it.”

The two of them are the last ones into the dressing room, and the others are all standing in a line, waiting expectantly for them, which is a little weird.

“Did you tell him yet?” Donghyuck asks.

“Yeah, I told him,” Mark answers.

“Oh, good, otherwise this would be really awkward.”

The boys all move to the sides, revealing a guitar case filled with a multitude of guitar necessities, like picks and polish and replacement strings.

“From all of us,” Shotaro says. “To get you started.”

Jeno’s hit with another wave of surprise. By this point, he really wasn’t expecting any of the boys to give him anything. He hadn’t been even before today.

“Happy birthday,” Donghyuck says. “You don’t get another cake, though.”

Jeno laughs a little. “That’s fine. Thank you, guys, really. You didn’t have go to all this trouble.”

“Jihyo went to the trouble, actually,” Shotaro says. “We just gave her the money to get everything.”

“There’s nothing Jihyo can’t do,” Chenle says.

“Yeah, and she doesn’t let anyone forget it,” Donghyuck grumbles.

“Thank you,” Jeno repeats.

They don’t dwell on the gifts, even though Jeno really does appreciate them doing this. There’s still the concert to discuss, as always, and then it’s back to the hotel. Jeno is in high spirits, and not just because of the adrenaline from the concert. Donghyuck is once again pretty mellow when they get to their room, which only helps.

Jeno gets the shower second, as usual, and when he comes out there’s a thick envelope sitting on the bed he’ll be using.

“What’s this?” he asks Donghyuck, who’s playing a game on his phone.

“Your last birthday present.”

“From who?”

Donghyuck smirks. “I’m sure it says.”

Jeno decides it’s not worth it to push, even though Donghyuck surely knows. The envelope didn’t get here by itself. Jeno picks it up, sitting down on the bed. On the front, hastily scribbled in pen, is what he’s looking for.

To: Jeno

From: Jaemin

Jeno just sits for a moment, inspecting the envelope, wondering what could be inside. He’s nervous, for some reason, to open it. He’s not sure what he’s afraid of, what he thinks will be in there. Jaemin’s not petty enough to leave him something nasty as a birthday gift. But still, something makes him uncertain.

It’s the concern that shortly Donghyuck will realize he hasn’t opened it and make a big deal about it that finally gets him pulling up the flap. He recognizes immediately what’s inside.

Pictures.

Jeno gently pulls them out. Resting on top of them is a folded up slip of paper, and Jeno looks at that first.

If you still have that shoebox full of pictures, here are some more for you. I thought you might like some new ones.

-Nana

He signed it “Nana”. That hits Jeno hard. Maybe it shouldn’t. The days of that nickname being reserved for close friends are long gone, and now anyone with a little more than casual knowledge of the Neos calls him “Nana” whenever they want. Jaemin is Nana to millions of people now, and Jeno’s just one of them.

Still. Jeno was one of the first to ever call him that.

Jeno puts the paper aside and looks to the pictures. Some feature different groups of the members and various crew members, particularly the original road crew, and others are just of different places and attractions in cities all across the globe. On the backs of each one, Jaemin has written the date taken along with a little description. They’re organized chronologically but in reverse, and Jeno goes on a journey back in time. He watches the Neos get younger, sees Jaemin, Mark, and Chenle’s hair color evolutions backwards, sees Mark and Shotaro’s guitar collections get smaller, sees the boys get closer to the way they were when Jeno left them. Sees them go back to the beginning. The new beginning, as seven.

The final picture has Jeno in it. It’s the full group, and Doyoung, Taeyong, Yuta, Jihyo, Sana, and Nayeon. It’s from the very first concert of their first headlining tour. On the back, it says: You may already have this one, but I wanted one with all of us.

Jeno’s vision goes a little blurry. He looks up and tries to think about literally anything else. He does not want to cry with Donghyuck in the room.

“What did you get?” Donghyuck asks, and thankfully he’s still looking at his phone and not at Jeno.

Jeno clears his throat. “Pictures.”

“Well, Jaemin loves those.” Donghyuck pouts. “He has way too much blackmail material.”

“I’m sure he does. Look, I’m…I’m gonna go thank him for these.”

Jeno’s already on his way to the door when Donghyuck says, “You better hope Mark’s not asleep, or Jaemin will kill you.”

Jeno doesn’t reply. He puts his head in his hands once he’s out in the hallway and tries to pull himself together. He doesn’t really want to cry in front of Jaemin, either. It takes a couple minutes, but eventually he starts to feel like he has a little more control over his emotions. At least enough so he won’t burst into tears without warning.

He goes to Mark and Jaemin’s room and knocks—quietly, just in case. A few seconds pass before Jaemin opens the door, and he doesn’t seem surprised to see Jeno.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey.”

Behind Jaemin and much farther back in the room, Jeno sees Mark looking at him with wide eyes. Jaemin must catch where his gaze is directed, because he turns around.

“Would you go to sleep?”

Mark scampers away where Jeno can’t see him anymore. Jaemin shakes his head as turns to face Jeno again, and Jeno can tell he’s fighting a smile. Jaemin steps out into the hall with Jeno, shutting the door behind him.

“Hey,” Jaemin says again.

“Hi. I, uh, I just wanted to thank you. For the pictures. It—it was very nice of you.”

Jeno cringes a little at how awkward he sounds.

Jaemin smiles politely. “You’re welcome.”

“That must’ve taken you a lot of time. You know, writing out the dates and everything.”

“Not really. I’ve…I’ve been saving them for a while, so I never really had to do more than a few at a time.”

He’s been saving them.

“They’re all the ones the other boys liked the best,” Jaemin continues, “so I’d get an extra copy made of them. You know. In case I ever needed them someday.”

Jaemin looks at him significantly.

He’s been saving them for Jeno.

In case Jeno ever came back.

“Jaemin…”

“Let’s not make it into a big thing. It’s just a gift, from me to you. That’s all.”

That’s not all. Jaemin’s spent the past seven years collecting pictures that he thought Jeno would like and setting them aside, so if Jeno ever came back to the band he’d have a chance to give them to him.

If Jeno ever came back.

Jaemin thought about Jeno coming back. Jaemin made plans for Jeno coming back.

Did he hope Jeno would come back?

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Jeno asks. Jaemin appears caught off guard.

“What?”

“Jaemin, you…you never said anything. After I left. You—you could have. You could’ve told me if you wanted to see me again or—or whatever.” I’ve barely stopped thinking about you, Nana. “Or even if you didn’t want to see me, we—we could've just talked. You could’ve called, or texted, or…anything, really.”

Jaemin looks at Jeno for a couple moments, and his expression is unreadable. “Yeah,” he says finally. “You could’ve too.”

“I figured you wouldn’t want to hear from me.”

“Well, I guess we have something in common, then, because at least at first, I didn’t really think you’d want to hear from me either. You wouldn’t talk to your other friends, you wouldn’t even talk to your boyfriend.” Jaemin shrugs helplessly. “Why would you have wanted to talk to the homewrecker?”

It’s like a slap across the face, but Jeno knows he deserves it. “Jaemin—”

“I’m glad you like the pictures. I’ll see you tomorrow. Happy birthday.”

Jeno says Jaemin’s name again, but it doesn’t stop him from turning and going back into his hotel room, leaving Jeno standing in the hallway.

Jeno’s not sure how long he stays there staring at the door. Longer than he should. Long enough for it to be weird. His feet feel frozen. In his head, he replays the night of their third anniversary party for the millionth time.

Jaemin took plenty of pictures that night. Jeno wonders if any of them still exist. Maybe Jaemin’s gotten rid of all of them, deleted them straight from the camera. Jeno doesn’t need the pictures to remember. He’s spent the past seven years trying to forget.

“Are you okay?”

Jaemin looks up. “What? Oh, oh…yeah, I’m fine.”

Mark looks doubtful. “What did he say?”

“He just thanked me for the pictures. That’s it.”

“Was it?”

“Will you stop worrying? He just thanked me. I’m fine. You need to get some sleep. You’re still sick.”

Mark rolls his eyes. “It’s just a cough.”

“Yeah, well, it’s the grossest cough I’ve ever heard in my life, and I’m the one who has to share a room with you, so.”

“Would you like me to go room with someone else?”

Jaemin is petulant when he says “no” and he knows it. He can turn into such a baby around Mark. No one else indulges him like Mark does. It must be tiring. Jaemin must be tiring.

Jaemin tilts his head back to look at the ceiling and lets out a slow breath like he’s trying to expel all his demons with the air in his lungs.

Don’t be an idiot, Jaemin. Don’t let him do this to you again.

“You sure there’s nothing you wanna talk about?”

Typical. Mark’s falling apart right in front of everyone, and he’s worried about Jaemin. He’s infuriating, and Jaemin loves him.

Jaemin has always loved him.

“I’m sure. Now, you need to—”

“I know, I know. I need to sleep. I think you do, too. You seem pretty tired these days, Jaeminie.”

Jaemin will pretend they don’t both know why that is.

“Who isn’t, at this point?”

“That’s fair. Good night, Jaeminie.”

“Good night, Mark.”

Jaemin curls up by himself and thinks about someone he hasn’t seen in a while. He wonders how she is.

He tells himself not to feel guilty. It doesn’t help.

There was another band signed to the same label the Neos were that released their first album just six months before the Neos did. The boys saw them at the studio a lot, but that was really the only place their paths crossed. Early on, anyway. Their lead singer’s name was Yoo Yeonjung, and she was the same age as Mark. For a long time, that’s really all Jaemin knew about her.

The recording of the third album took much longer than the first and the second. That meant more time in the studio, which meant more opportunities for the boys and Yeonjung to run into each other. More opportunities for Mark and Yeonjung to run into each other. They exchanged numbers, started talking outside of the studio. Jaemin knew Mark well enough to know the signs. He’d seen them before with other girls. He wasn’t the least bit surprised when Mark told him he’d asked Yeonjung out on a date. Of course she said yes. How could anyone say no to Mark Lee?

Jaemin was happy for Mark. He could see how much he liked Yeonjung. And she was such a sweetheart. Jaemin loved her a little himself. They were a good match.

It still hurt like hell. Jaemin has only cried over Mark Lee once in his life, and he didn’t when Mark and Yeonjung started dating, but he got close.

Jaemin hid it the best that he could, but he knew some of the other boys saw through him. Jeno most of all. But Jaemin talked to Jeno about it the most. Too much. Way too much. Jeno, much luckier in love than Jaemin was.

Right.

Jaemin thinks Yeonjung might’ve been the first time Mark fell in love. Maybe the only time. He knows he loved her, knows Yeonjung loved him, too. Even though they were young, they were serious. Mark’s only had short, fairly casual flings since her. Jaemin doesn’t think he’s in love with her to this day, but sometimes he wonders how long they could’ve lasted if things had gone differently. Mark never talked much about the specifics of why they broke up, and Jaemin was too scared to ask.

There aren’t many secrets that remain between Jaemin and Mark, but there are a few. There are enough. There are more questions Jaemin’s afraid to ask.

But he’s not sure how much longer he can go without asking them.

They only have a short drive today, but it’s getting to that point in the tour when they’re tired and have been around each other too long and are all starting to get on each other’s nerves. It might be amplified this time, because they’ve all been on edge from the beginning. Donghyuck’s not sure a few weeks off will fix things this time.

Jeno came back from Mark and Jaemin’s room upset last night. Anyone would’ve been able to see that. Donghyuck asked, but Jeno wouldn’t talk about it, and Donghyuck wasn’t surprised. Jeno doesn’t trust Donghyuck. Jeno has never trusted Donghyuck. Jeno probably still thinks Donghyuck only wanted to join the band so he could have more time to torment Jaemin. Jeno has the worst case of tunnel vision Donghyuck’s ever seen. It took him a long time to fall asleep. Donghyuck doesn’t usually make a habit of paying attention to how long it takes Jeno to fall asleep, but he notices sometimes. It’s hard not to when they’re always sharing a room. Some nights, some nights like last night, Donghyuck has a little more spare energy than usual, and Jeno falls asleep first.

He wonders if Jeno knows he says Jaemin’s name in his sleep. He wonders if he’s been doing that for seven fucking years.

The man in question is sitting with Taeyong. Taeyong is wonderfully diplomatic. Doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. He still loves Jeno just the same as he always did, just the same as he loves all the other boys. He was disappointed in Jeno, not angry. He’s been waiting patiently all these years to welcome him back with open arms.

Donghyuck’s been waiting, too. Not exactly patiently, and certainly not with open arms, but he’s been waiting.

Mark’s been banished to his bunk again—this time by the daycare leader himself, Doyoung—and Jaemin honestly looks like he should be back there too. Donghyuck wonders what happened between him and Jeno last night and if that has anything to with why he looks like a corpse come back to life, or if that’s just a happy coincidence. Each option seems equally likely. They’re not that different, Donghyuck and Jaemin. When it comes to the lying game, only Jaemin has ever been able to keep up with him. Jaemin’s outpaced him. But it all might finally be catching up with him now. And as for Mark…Mark concerns Donghyuck. He doesn’t like things he doesn’t understand, and he doesn’t understand Mark.

The others are easier. Chenle’s out for blood, Shotaro’s out to make sure no one dies. Jisung’s a bundle of nerves, will probably have an ulcer by the time he’s thirty, and Renjun…

Renjun is Renjun. All tough and guarded exterior to hide the gooey center that’s still a little lost and confused. He never deserved any of this.

The boys are wondering what the fuck Donghyuck’s doing, why he continuously latches onto Jeno, why he wanted Jeno to come along in the first place. He can see it when they look at him. Shotaro might have an idea, but he’s probably being generous. He likes to see the best in people. But Shotaro has the strongest escape route out of anyone in the band, if he’s smart enough to use it, so he can afford to. Jaemin might have an idea, too. He doesn’t have to wonder why Donghyuck wanted Jeno to come on tour with them, because they both wanted him back for many of the same reasons.

The way Donghyuck sees it, the problem is that all the Neos feel too much. Even former Neos. They’re all too twisted up around each other, like vines growing out of control. Jeno tore himself free but he’s never really been gone. Jisung’s never learned how to grow unimpeded, Mark reaches for heights too great, Renjun still curls around an empty space. A space Jeno will never quite fit into again. They’re all fucked up now, in lots of fun and interesting ways, each one a little different, each one unique. So Donghyuck’s doing what needs to be done. He’s standing on a sinking ship, and he’s more than prepared to drown.

If he’s going to lose everything, he’s at least going to go out with a bang.

Chapter Text

“I’ll probably just hang around the house. Not do anything.”

Chenle points at Shotaro. “He’s got the right idea. Break is for not doing a single fucking thing.” He looks at Renjun. “Let me guess. You’re gonna spend days vacuuming your wallpaper or some shit.”

Renjun laughs. “My walls are painted. And that doesn’t even make sense.”

“You would if you could.”

Renjun hits Chenle gently on the arm, and Chenle makes a big deal out of pretending to be hurt. “I don’t have a roommate I can force all the cleaning onto,” Renjun says.

“Like Jisung cleans.”

“Hey!” Jisung exclaims.

“Don’t be mean to Jisung,” Renjun admonishes. “He can have your locks changed.”

“If he does, guess who’s gonna be throwing rocks through your windows.”

“You have a key.”

“How will I know you haven’t changed the locks too?”

“You could try them?”

“Anyway, I think over break I’m gonna move to Australia and never come back,” Jisung says with a tight smile.

“But I’d miss you,” Shotaro says. Jisung blushes and looks away from him, and Renjun has to laugh a little. They’ve known each other for longer than a decade and Jisung still doesn’t know how to deal with Shotaro’s sincerity.

“If you promised not to give it to the other members, I’d give you my address and you could come visit me.”

“That’s so rude, Sungie,” Jaemin whines. “What did I do to you?”

Jisung doesn’t answer, and instead just makes this weird, almost guilty expression. Clearly wanting attention off of himself, he says, “Mark, what are you gonna do over break?”

“Sleep,” Mark says without hesitation. He’s not even looking at any of them. He’s just sort of staring at nothing. Renjun’s a little surprised he was even aware Jisung said his name. He jolts harshly when the dressing room door comes flying open.

“The bathrooms in this place are really sketchy,” Donghyuck says. “Anyway, what are we discussing?”

“Break,” Chenle says.

“Oh, nice.” Donghyuck sits down next to Shotaro and turns his whole body towards him. “So, are you finally gonna put Sungchan out of his misery?”

Shotaro raises his eyebrows. “Am I gonna kill Sungchan?”

“No. Are you gonna ask Sungchan out?”

Shotaro sighs wearily. “How many times do I have to say that we’re just friends?”

“At least as many times as it takes for him to stop looking at you like he’d blow you at a moment’s notice.”

“He doesn’t look at me like that.”

“He does so. Jisung.”

“Please leave me out of this,” Jisung says, cringing.

Donghyuck ignores him. “Jisung, how do you think Sungchan looks at Shotaro?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never really noticed.”

“But do you think Sungchan likes Shotaro?”

“I really don’t know. I don’t wanna get involved.”

“Why are you so invested?” Shotaro asks, amused.

“Because nobody’s dated anyone since Renjun dated Yangyang. I need someone to live vicariously through.”

Shotaro smirks. “Why don’t you live vicariously through Chenle and Yizhuo?”

“Thanks for bringing that up, Taro,” Chenle says.

“I’ll get to him in a minute,” Donghyuck promises. “But you know how he is.”

“Why do you need to live vicariously through anyone?” Jaemin asks. “You have admirers in every city we visit. Lots of eligible bachelors like you.”

Donghyuck makes a dismissive noise and waves one of his hands. “I don’t wanna date any of them.”

Come to think of it, Renjun and Shotaro are really the only ones in the band who seriously date, for at least the past few years. Mark does, to an extent, but Donghyuck doesn’t do any longterm commitments, and Chenle, Jaemin, and Jisung don’t really date at all. Everyone knows why Jaemin doesn’t, and Jisung’s too shy to truly put himself out there, and Chenle just…doesn’t. His own words. Renjun’s lost track of how many times he’s heard Chenle say “I don’t date” like it’s his life motto or something. He hasn’t quite decided if Chenle’s really not interested, or if he just has a giant crush on Jisung that he’s never figured out how to handle. He’s asked, but Chenle would rather die than be honest with him about something like that.

“So, I’m just gonna have to settle for Shotaro telling me all about all the cute dates he can fit in on break, and then all the cute messages Sungchan sends him about how much he misses him when we start the next tour leg,” Donghyuck finishes.

“I think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself,” Shotaro says.

“Why do you have to be so difficult?” Donghyuck looks at Chenle. “I guess it’s up to you.”

“I don’t date,” Chenle says, right on cue.

“The internet says you do.”

“The internet still thinks Jisung’s straight. I’m not dating Yizhuo. You know I’m not dating Yizhuo.”

Donghyuck’s shoulders sag before he turns back to Shotaro. “If I ask you nicely, will you ask Sungchan out?”

Shotaro only chuckles.

“Alright, fine,” Donghyuck says. “Jeno?”

Jeno looks up with wide eyes. He’s been so quiet, Renjun almost forgot he was here. Almost.

“Don’t look at me,” Jeno says. “I don’t even know Sungchan.”

“What? No. I was just gonna ask if you have any plans for break. Doyoung said you’re gonna be staying with him.”

“Uh, yeah. Since it’s just a few weeks. But I don’t really have…plans. I’ll probably just…rest up for the next leg.”

There’s a look on his face that’s vaguely kicked puppy-ish. That wounded look that Renjun knows so well. He’s been off since his birthday, even by his standards. He has a shorter fuse than normal, and when he's not mad he somehow seems even more pitiful than he did before. They’ve all heard from Mark that Jeno and Jaemin talked late on Jeno’s birthday, but no one knows what was said. It can’t be a coincidence, though. That wounded look belongs to Jaemin. It always has.

It tugs at Renjun’s heartstrings in the most pathetic of ways. He thinks his defenses have been lowering over the course of the tour. Because sometimes Jeno is just so Jeno. So much like the boy Renjun fell in love with all those years ago. Renjun can still see what he saw once upon a time, why he fell so hard and why it took him so long to claw his way back up.

He can still see his friend.

“That’s fair,” Donghyuck says. “I miss my own bed so much.”

“Are you actually gonna sleep in it?” Renjun asks, though he shouldn’t. He should just leave it alone.

“What do you mean?”

“Are you gonna be around over break?”

Everyone in the room goes very quiet. Renjun knows he’s not the only one who’s been wondering. He’s just the only one bitchy enough to ask.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck says after a long moment. He’s looking directly at Renjun. “I’ll be around.”

Renjun nods, holding Donghyuck’s gaze. “Cool.”

Donghyuck makes promises. At this point, Renjun’s only interested in the follow-through.

Slowly, almost hesitantly, conversation starts up again. Renjun sits quietly, listening more than speaking, and then Chenle sticks his elbow into Renjun’s side. He has the most obnoxious ways of getting Renjun’s attention. Renjun looks at him expectantly.

“Is Yangyang gonna be staying at your place while we’re on break?” Chenle asks softly. Renjun shakes his head.

“No, he said he had somewhere else he could stay. Why?”

Chenle shrugs casually. “He’s done it before.”

“We were dating before.”

“I guess you’re right.” Chenle’s quiet for a moment. “Hey, you know…if you wanted, I could come stay with you, so you wouldn’t have to be alone.”

He sounds so nonchalant, but this is weird. Chenle doesn’t do this. He shows up at Renjun’s house unannounced when he feels like it—sometimes when Renjun’s not even home—and ends up in one of the spare bedrooms when he’s too lazy to walk back to his place. He doesn’t ask, and he doesn’t worry about Renjun being alone. He hasn’t for a long time, at least.

“But then Jisung would be alone.”

“Jisung would be fine. If he got too lonely, he’d just go to Shotaro’s and bug him.”

“What exactly are you afraid I’m gonna do if I’m alone?”

“Clean.”

His delivery is so terribly serious in a way only he could pull off, like Renjun spending their entire break cleaning up around the house is the worst thing he could possibly imagine. And he surely doesn’t like that idea, but this is the first he’s ever worried about it. Because he’s not actually worried about it. Renjun doesn’t have to be a genius to figure out what’s different about this break from every other break they’ve had, any other time they’ve been home for an extended period of time.

Jeno’s going to be around.

Chenle’s sweet. He really is.

“I’ll be okay,” Renjun says. “I won’t even touch the cleaning supplies. Unless I really have to.”

“That’s not reassuring.”

“Don’t worry about me.” Renjun looks at Chenle pointedly, trying to say what neither of them is saying. “You know I’m just gonna sleep through the whole first week, anyway.”

“Don’t say I didn’t offer.”

“If I start getting the urge to sweep, you’ll be the first person I call.”

Chenle nods. “Okay.”

There’s something on Chenle’s face, something a little apprehensive. He’s still worried, but he’s not going to say it. Renjun can’t fault him for being overly concerned. Renjun’s put him through a lot over the years. But it’s not like Jeno’s going to be staying at Renjun’s house. They’ll surely practice, and Renjun will see him then, but that’ll be it, most likely. And Renjun sees him daily right now. He’ll get through it, like he has been since they voted to let Jeno come along on tour. He likes to think he’s been doing pretty well, actually. He only gets caught up in his memories every once in a while.

He wonders if Jeno does too. He doesn’t need Jeno to spare a thought for him, but he wonders if he does, or if all his mind space is reserved for only Jaemin. Renjun knows Jeno thinks about Jaemin a lot. Jaemin probably knows it too.

Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to talk to Jaemin these days. It shouldn’t be like this.

Renjun wonders again what happened between Jaemin and Jeno on Jeno’s birthday. They’re probably more likely to hear about it from Jeno than Jaemin, if they hear about it from either of them. To this day, there are still things the rest of them don’t know about the night of the third anniversary party, things only Jaemin heard and has never talked about, as far as Renjun knows. They’ve always been at opposite ends of this thing, Jaemin and Renjun, the one Jeno loved and the one he didn’t, because Renjun screamed his pain until his tongue just about fell out, and Jaemin sewed his lips shut. Renjun crumbled to pieces, and Jaemin turned to stone.

“What are you thinking about?” Chenle asks, taking Renjun by surprise. He’s not sure how long he’s been lost in his thoughts.

“Jaemin,” Renjun answers semi-honestly. If he mentioned Jeno, he’d probably get an earful. A well-meaning earful, but still an earful.

“Oh. That’s…new.”

Renjun rolls his eyes. “Not like that, dumbass. Driving down the highway with my eyes closed would be a better idea than pining for Jaemin.”

Chenle laughs. “You had me worried.”

“I was just…I don’t know. Just wondering about some things, I guess.”

Chenle looks like he understands. “You sure you don’t want me to stay with you over break?”

Chenle’s patience has been slipping lately. Renjun can see it. Chenle is such a relaxed person, except when it comes to this.

“I’m sure. I’ll be fine, really.”

He will be. As fine as he always is. Maybe even better than Jeno, by the looks of him.

But Renjun’s not going to be petty. That won’t solve anything. If it did, Renjun really would be fine by now.

Renjun still has the pictures, the gifts Jeno gave him, the little reminders of various dates they went on. They’re all hidden away in a box in his closet. No one but him even knows they’re there. He goes months without even lifting the lid, and not just because he hasn’t been home in months. Sometimes he even forgets the box is there. Sometimes he swears he’s going to get rid of it and everything in it. And yet still it sits. The only thing in the house Renjun will let collect dust. He doesn’t have boxes for any of his other exes. With them, he’s kept the good memories out in the open and purged the rest.

But that’s the thing about Jeno. The good memories are bad and the bad are good. They all bleed into each other until Renjun can’t tell them apart. Jeno was a wonderful boyfriend. Jeno was a terrible boyfriend. Somehow both are true.

There’s a copy of their fourth album in the box, too. To this day one of their most celebrated works. Renjun loves that album, but he doesn’t love remembering how it was made. Showing up to the studio in day old clothes, tired and agitated and aching all over. Donghyuck’s intermittent sobriety. Jisung’s nervousness around anyone who wasn’t Chenle or Shotaro. Chenle’s temper. Deteriorating communication between Mark and Jaemin. The resignation in Shotaro’s eyes. Sometimes Renjun’s still amazed that the album was ever finished.

Sometimes he’s still amazed the Neos weren’t finished.

But it’s been almost seven years since then, and somehow, some way, the Neos have endured. Some might even say they’ve flourished. Musically, Renjun would have to agree with them. Any other way…

Well, far be it from Renjun to throw stones. He’s the one with the fucking box in his closet.

Nights when they have to be on the bus are somehow comforting to Doyoung. Unlike in a hotel room, he can tell when the boys are at least trying to sleep. Usually by this point in the tour, they’re all passing out within seconds any time they get a chance. It’s normally an uphill battle to get them out of their bunks and their hotel rooms and the really comfy chairs in that one dressing room. Now Doyoung would kill for them to be that difficult. Or perhaps that kind of difficult is a better way to put it.

One thing that hasn’t changed is the irritability level. They’ve been on the road too long. They’ve all been snapping at each other, Jeno and Chenle most of all. Doyoung should probably be grateful he got Chenle to behave this long. Chenle was the longest holdout at the start of all of this, only agreeing to even meet with Jeno because Renjun did. Doyoung had been half expecting him to break their unwritten ‘no fighting on tour’ rule right away.

(“Just be nice,” Doyoung pleaded. “You want me to suck his dick, too?” Chenle shot back.)

Sometimes Doyoung wonders if Chenle was also in love with Jeno, or if he really just has that much anger in him.

But even now, Doyoung can’t really blame this on Chenle. Not entirely, at least. Chenle’s been distant, but Jeno’s been more combative towards him since his birthday. Like Jeno wants a fight. Doyoung hears the gossip too, he knows that Jeno and Jaemin had a little chat the night of Jeno’s birthday, knows neither one of them has said a damn thing about it. Doyoung has asked Jeno about it and been brushed off. There’s only so much Doyoung can do.

A very hard lesson that he’s not sure he’s quite learned yet.

It’s later than Doyoung would care to admit. He usually doesn’t stay up this late unless he has work to do, and right now, he’s just kind of staring out the window. He’s the only one who hasn’t gone back to the bunks. He’s at least happy it’s him and not one of the Neos. He doesn’t even know how much Mark’s actually seen the inside of his bunk—or the inside of his eyelids, for that matter—this tour. Insomnia is not new for Mark, but it’s never been like this. Doyoung doesn’t know how to help him. He doesn’t usually need to worry about Mark. Even right after Jeno left, Doyoung didn’t have to worry about Mark. Mark took on a lot of the burden of that fallout himself.

Perhaps nothing reflects the current state of the Neos better than the fact that Mark’s a mess. If they lose Shotaro too, they’re fucked.

Doyoung hears some noise coming from the bunks and prays he hasn’t summoned Mark just by thinking about him. There’s a little more shuffling and some low voices, and then Taeyong and Yuta appear, Yuta seeming barely awake and Taeyong frowning at Doyoung like a disappointed teacher.

“You’re supposed to be sleeping, Doie,” he says.

“So are you.”

“And so am I,” Yuta says before yawning. “Now none of us are.”

He drops down onto the couch next to Doyoung. Doyoung regards him, then looks up at Taeyong.

“Did you wake him up?” he asks.

“We’re a team,” Taeyong says, sitting down himself, much more gently than Yuta did. “We suffer together.”

“That’s touching,” Yuta says under his breath.

“Why were you awake?” Doyoung asks.

“I wasn’t,” Taeyong says. “I woke up, and knew you hadn’t come back yet because you always wake me up when you climb up.”

“And now we’re all here,” Yuta says. Doyoung thinks he’s still a little upset Taeyong woke him up. That’s fair.

“What are you up to, Doyoungie?” Taeyong asks. “I came out here to yell at you for working this late into the night, but you don’t look like you’re working.”

“I’m sure I could find something to do, if it would make you feel better.”

“No, because then I’d have to yell at you.”

“Keep up, Doie,” Yuta says with heavy eyes and a lazy smile. Doyoung chuckles.

“Sorry. My bad.”

Taeyong’s still looking at him expectantly, but Doyoung thinks he already has the answer he wants. Doyoung shrugs.

“It’s one of those nights.”

They all have them. The trick is to not make them a habit.

Taeyong nods sympathetically.

“Is it quiet back there?” Doyoung asks, nodding at the bunks.

“It was until he woke up,” Yuta says, jerking his thumb in Taeyong’s direction. “I was dreaming I had a pet octopus that attacked my enemies for me.”

Taeyong giggles. “You don’t even have enemies. Everyone loves you. And yeah, it seemed quiet. But that doesn’t always mean everyone’s asleep.”

“I’ll take what I can get,” Doyoung says. “At least no one’s out here.”

“You’re out here,” Yuta points out.

“Yeah, but if I fall asleep in the middle of the concert tonight, it won’t end up a headline.”

Yuta looks at Taeyong. “You know, I think he’s learning to look on the bright side of things.”

Taeyong grins. “I’m so proud.”

Doyoung’s a born pessimist, he’ll admit it. He’ll never be an optimist, but a lot of conscious effort has made him more of a realist, at least when he speaks. It’s necessary to be pragmatic in his line of work.

“You feeling the crushing weight of leadership again?” Yuta asks.

“Something like that, I guess.”

“Break’s coming soon,” Taeyong says. “Everything always seems worse right before then. And everything always seems worse at close to four in the morning.”

“Shit, is that seriously the time?” Yuta groans.

“I know,” Doyoung says, ignoring him.

“Everyone will be okay once we get a little rest,” Taeyong says. He’s the optimist, as long as he’s not on one of his worrying kicks. And Doyoung and Taeyong can’t be on worrying kicks at the same time. Doyoung thinks it might be a law of the universe. He doesn’t know for sure if Taeyong really believes what he’s said, but at least he says it with conviction.

Doyoung nods like he believes it too.

“And if they’re not, that’s not your fault,” Yuta says. “You can’t force them to fix shit between themselves.”

Yuta can always see through him, can always get right down to the heart of the matter, even when he’s half asleep. Doyoung thinks that’s how he was able to become so successful at such a young age; he can read people. He always knows what everyone wants to hear. And what they need to hear, too.

“Yeah. Hey, you wouldn’t happen to know anything about what happened on Jeno’s birthday, would you?” Doyoung asks Taeyong, changing the subject and not bothering to try to seem nonchalant about it. It’s a longshot, but Jeno talks to Taeyong a lot. He probably tells Taeyong more than he tells Doyoung. Unfortunately, Taeyong shakes his head.

“I don’t think anyone knows.”

“It seems that way.” With even less hope and almost as a joke, Doyoung asks, “You wouldn’t happen to know what’s up with Mark either, would you?”

Taeyong shakes his head again, but Yuta’s lips twist in a thoughtful little frown that Doyoung doesn’t quite understand.

“Do you know something?” Doyoung asks. Yuta gives him a paranoid glance out of the corner of his eye.

“Well, I don’t know know.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means Mark’s kind of a pain in the ass sometimes. And anything I do or do not know is probably only part of the problem anyway.”

“But you do know something?” Taeyong says.

“I’m…not at liberty to say.”

“Why haven’t you said anything?” Doyoung asks.

“‘Cause it’s his business, you know? And like I said, anything I might know probably isn’t everything anyway, so everyone knowing about it won’t solve anything, and that’s only if I do know something, which I might not.”

Doyoung barely understood that. Yuta’s not usually this cagey about anything.

“What?” Taeyong asks, apparently even more lost than Doyoung is.

“Look, don’t worry about it. I didn’t even say anything.”

Doyoung wants to keep pushing, but Yuta must have a good reason for not wanting to talk. If he didn’t, he would.

“Have you talked to him?” he asks instead.

“A little. You know how Mark is about opening up. But that doesn’t mean I know anything, because maybe I don’t.”

Doyoung snorts. “Okay, whatever.”

Yuta softens a little. “You can’t solve all their problems, Doie. You know that, right?”

Funny. Just what Doyoung was thinking earlier. And that’s the issue Doyoung usually has, because professionally, he can iron out all the kinks and put out all the fires, can help the boys achieve all their goals, can make plans so they can live their dreams, but personally… personally, he can’t do much if they don’t want the help. And it can be a little hard to watch sometimes.

“I know,” Doyoung confirms.

“Then why don’t you try to get some sleep?” Taeyong says. “So hopefully you won’t fall asleep during the concert.”

“I never have before.”

“There’s a first time for everything,” Yuta says.

Doyoung gets to his feet with the two of them and follows them back to the bunks. His gaze sweeps over all of the closed curtains. It is quiet back here, but of course, all noise has to compete against the sound of the moving bus. Doyoung, Taeyong, and Yuta wish each other a good night before crawling or climbing into their bunks, and Doyoung doesn’t find that his mind is more at ease. It’s not uncommon for him to look forward to their breaks, especially as one draws nearer, but this one can’t come fast enough.

Not that it’ll fix anything. Doyoung’s a born pessimist, but even the realist he’s worked so hard to construct is saying that a little vacation isn’t going to do shit.

Seven years and all of Doyoung’s best efforts haven’t done shit. Well, they got Jeno back, but Doyoung has to wonder if it’s been too long. Every year, every day that has passed has become part of the problem, every step taken a possible misstep.

Something is going to give. Doyoung’s just not sure what yet, and what the repercussions will be.

The first week after Jeno left was busy. Doyoung remembers sitting down with the Neos—the ones still around—after that first gig without Jeno, exhausted and in an awful mood, and explaining the situation. He’d talked to them a little beforehand, enough to let them know that they’d be playing without Jeno, but he waited until afterwards to explain further.

He didn’t tell them Jeno was in love with Jaemin even though it sat at the top of his mind. That was for Jeno to tell. He did tell them Jeno said he wanted to quit, but none of them seemed any more believing of it than he was.

At least one of them did believe it, as it turned out. He just didn’t say anything yet.

“What do you mean he’s taking a break?” Mark asked when Doyoung was finished. “We’re supposed to be in the studio this week.”

Doyoung knew that as well as any of them did. They already had time booked.

“Figure out what you can do without him,” he said. “I don’t know if we can afford an indefinite delay. Plenty of bands have songs that not all members appeared on.”

It was true but it wasn’t the Neos. They’d never done anything like that before. Every song on the past three albums featured all members. But this time around they didn’t have a choice.

“I don’t like this either,” Doyoung continued. “But he needs a little time. And this wouldn’t be a rock band if someone didn’t threaten to quit.”

Doyoung felt harried and desperate. He hoped it wasn’t obvious. The boys were not keeping it together, and someone needed to be. Someone still needed to be in control.

Doyoung intended to go back to his parents’ house long before the week was out, but time got away from him. There was so much to do, in the studio, at gigs at night, and Jeno still wasn’t talking to anyone but Doyoung. He was barely talking to Doyoung. Doyoung didn’t have high hopes for him coming back to figure things out when he wouldn’t even respond to the boys’ text messages.

Renjun wanted to make the trip so badly, wanted to be with Jeno when he thought Jeno needed him. He defended Jeno with every breath he took even though Doyoung could tell that he was hurt himself. He didn’t like what Jeno did, and didn’t like that Jeno wasn’t responding, but he wanted to understand it. He wanted to help fix it. Doyoung doesn’t even know now how he managed to keep talking Renjun out of it. Renjun had no idea.

Maybe Doyoung should’ve just told him. It’s not like things would’ve really ended any differently. But all he could think was that it would be better if he heard it from Jeno.

In the end, Donghyuck took care of that for both Doyoung and Jeno. Shotaro called Doyoung from Mark and Jaemin’s place and didn’t say much, just asked him if he would come over, and when Doyoung got there, he knew. How he knew. He could see it on every one of their faces, could tell just by the way Renjun couldn’t stop crying.

What a picture they made, scattered around the apartment. Even that night, the night Jeno left, they hadn’t been quite like this. Doyoung had never seen Renjun so devastated, or Jisung so lost, or Jaemin so…something. It was hard to tell what Jaemin was. It was hard to see anything past the emptiness in his eyes.

It couldn’t have been more than five minutes after Doyoung arrived that Donghyuck was puking his guts into the toilet. Donghyuck had seen what Doyoung had, what Doyoung hadn’t wanted to. He’d put the pieces together. And now the whole band knew. And once again, Doyoung had to make a decision.

Two days later, Doyoung finally did go back to his parent’s house, this time with Yuta and Shotaro. He told Jeno they were coming and got no response. He called his mom just to be sure Jeno was still there. He just wanted to get Jeno to talk to at least Shotaro. Shotaro was still trying to be as impartial as possible. If Jeno couldn’t talk to him, he wouldn’t be able to talk to anyone.

They left without Jeno. The band went back to the studio without Jeno. The band released an entire album without Jeno. The band relocated to the US without Jeno. The band continued on without Jeno. Jeno’s time was up.

Doyoung’s spent the last seven years bargaining, perpetually stuck in the third stage of grief. If he does this, if he does that, if he could just get all the boys in the same room for five fucking minutes. Well, he’s done it. He got Jeno back, for a lot longer than five minutes. And if he and the other boys don’t start figuring things out, there’s really only one thing Doyoung’s sure of.

It’s going to be a lovely depression.

The second album didn’t get the Neos their first headlining tour like Donghyuck had been hoping. The third one did. It was just a short tour, barely five months with sporadic shows in a handful of different countries, but still. It was theirs.

Truthfully, Jeno’s recollection of the tour is a little hazy. He was drunk for a lot of it. Not onstage, never onstage, but afterwards. In the gaps between shows. He does remember Jaemin. He always remembers Jaemin. He remembers the unmistakable feeling that he was losing grip of Jaemin, that Jaemin was slipping away from him in between soundchecks and encores and flights and long, long car rides. It’s not like Jaemin had gone somewhere, or was going somewhere, but…sometimes Jeno didn’t understand him the way he used to. He couldn’t always tell what Jaemin wanted from him. Sometimes Jaemin was the same as he always had been, the same boy Jeno had fallen in love with, wide open for Jeno to read, and sometimes Jeno felt like they were playing some kind of cat-and-mouse game, and Jeno was not the cat. Jaemin would get so close, smile so sweetly, tease something he had no intention of delivering, and then he’d pull away and run back to Mark. He spent so much damn time with Mark. Even though Mark was straight, even though Mark had a girlfriend, Jaemin never missed a moment to be with him.

And Mark had no idea. Mark never had a clue. Jaemin was lucky he’d fallen for the most oblivious man alive.

Renjun was a place of solace during that time. Renjun was transparent. He said what he meant, didn’t try to keep secrets, didn’t play games. It was easy to be with Renjun. Jeno liked being with Renjun.

But Jaemin still snuck into his thoughts. Still occupied a place in his heart that no one else had. And every day it seemed to become clearer that Jaemin knew it. Maybe he didn’t know how deep it went, maybe he didn’t fully understand…or maybe he did. Maybe he wanted someone else to hurt with him. Jeno couldn’t tell, couldn’t be sure. He couldn’t hold it against him either way, because he knew, from things Jaemin had told him when he caught him at the right moment, that Jaemin was hurting, no matter how hard he tried to pretend otherwise. He just wanted to feel better.

But sooner or later he’d have to get over Mark. Sooner or later he’d have to realize Mark wasn’t worth it, anyway. Everything was going to be fine if Jaemin could just get to that point.

Seven long years later, and Jeno can see that Jaemin’s still not at that point. He’s still letting Mark take everything from him and leave him with nothing in return. Jeno knows what Jaemin’s pain looks like, and he can still see it now, even if he’s the only one who cares.

Chapter Text

“You know, Lele, you can just ignore him.”

Chenle glares. “What the fuck do you think I’ve been trying to do since we invited him on this fucking tour?”

He has a point. Still. Renjun’s supposed to be lecturing him or something. Getting him to find better ways to deal with his anger. Jisung’s not helping at all.

It would be better if Doyoung was here. Doyoung likes to lecture. But Doyoung’s with Jeno right now, lecturing him.

“All I’m saying is that I don’t know if he’s worth this much aggravation,” Renjun says. “He’s just trying to provoke you.”

“Well, good for him. I’m provoked.”

To be fair, Renjun’s not really sure who started it. Chenle and Jeno have been sniping at each other a lot lately. He doesn’t know who said what first, he just knows their soundcheck was brought to an abrupt pause five minutes ago because Chenle and Jeno were screaming at each other, something about rushing and being out of tune. That was definitely an escalation. Mark, Doyoung, and Shotaro dragged Jeno into one room backstage, and Renjun and Jisung dragged Chenle into another. Renjun’s not sure what Jaemin and Donghyuck are up to. Maybe starting a two-man band right this very instant.

“Well, unprovoke yourself,” Renjun says. “We only have a week left.”

“Of this leg,” Jisung points out. He is not helping. Renjun shoots him a look, and he already seems sheepish. “But, you know, maybe he’s just tired and he’ll leave you alone after he gets some rest during break.”

Renjun will give him points for trying.

“Yeah, well, the next leg’s even fucking longer than this one,” Chenle says.

Renjun sighs. “I know. And he’s still gonna be here, so you two can’t be fighting all the time. I really think he’s trying.”

“You think he’s trying? You just said he’s trying to provoke me.”

“Look, we’re all frustrated and tired. And you haven’t been very nice, either.”

“You want me to be nice?” Chenle folds his arms. “Renjun, has he even apologized to you?”

Renjun can’t fight that, and Chenle knows he can’t. Renjun has talked to Jeno very little on the tour to be honest, and nothing either one of them has said has been terribly important. No, Renjun has not gotten an apology of any kind. It seems that that, like many other things, has been reserved for only Jaemin.

Renjun does not want to resent one of his best friends.

“No. But how about you let me worry about that?”

“So I’m just supposed to act like everything’s fine?”

“I’m not asking you to act like everything’s fine, I’m just asking you to act…a little less like you want to kill him. Come on, you’re making Jisung nervous.”

Jisung looks around in surprise. Chenle raises an eyebrow.

“It’s Jisung,” he says flatly. Jisung makes an offended noise.

“Chenle, please. I don’t want you to have to be his best friend. I just want us to make it through this tour.”

Chenle looks at Renjun for a long moment, and slowly Renjun can start to see the signs that he’s giving in—but he’s not happy about it.

“I’ll be good if he is,” Chenle says.

“Good enough for me.”

Someone knocks on the door, and a moment later, Dahyun pokes her head into the room, an overly cheerful smile on her face.

“Hey, guys,” she says, a little too casually. “Everything okay in here?”

“Fantastic,” Chenle says. “Did you lose the rock, paper, scissors battle to come check on us or something?”

“No. I like to see for myself that everyone’s chill, because if someone puts their foot through a bass drum again, I’m the one who is gonna have to fix it.”

She looks at Chenle pointedly, still smiling.

“You’re in luck,” Renjun says, “because that was me.”

Dahyun turns her attention to him. “I remember.”

“He’s right, though,” Chenle says. “You are in luck. I have way more self-control than he does.”

“Fuck off,” Renjun says. Jisung snickers.

“Anyway,” Dahyun says, “I’m supposed to ask if you guys are gonna finish soundcheck or if you want the other techs to finish with Donghyuck and Jaemin. Black Mamba still needs to get the stage sometime.”

The techs could definitely do it. They know the show as well as the boys do, know exactly how the boys like everything and the way everything should sound. Every single one of them has had to stand in a time or two onstage when their respective Neo hasn’t been able to perform. But they shouldn’t have to do the Neos’ jobs for them because some of the boys can’t get along.

“I don’t know about the boys in the other room,” Chenle says, “but I’m ready to get back to it.”

“Sana’s talking to them right now,” Dahyun says.

They head back out to the stage where Jaemin and Donghyuck are waiting, and soon enough, Mark, Shotaro, Jeno, and Doyoung are coming to join them. Doyoung keeps to the side, where he normally watches soundcheck, very often pacing for absolutely no reason, and though now his feet are still, he’s tense and scowling. Jeno looks similar as he comes back over to his mic. They get back to soundcheck without much discussion, and Renjun doesn’t feel like it’s their best effort. Hopefully they’ll be back to form by tonight. Jeno storms off as soon as they’re done with what they need him for, and they run a few more songs after that until they’re satisfied. Doyoung’s still scowling when they’re finished.

“So, uh…how did things go in your room?” Renjun asks Shotaro as they clear the stage for Black Mamba. He keeps his voice low even though it seems like no one else is paying attention to them. Shotaro winces a little.

“Okay? Mark and I didn’t really do much, it was mostly Doyoung. He’s probably gonna talk to Chenle too, just to be thorough.”

“He still seemed pretty pissed.” Renjun figures Shotaro doesn’t need him to say Jeno’s name.

“He is. And, I mean, Chenle hasn’t been nice lately, not that Jeno has either. But he promised to try to keep better control of his temper.”

Shotaro’s brow is furrowed in a way that makes Renjun think there’s something he’s not saying. “What is it?” he prompts after a moment.

“Nothing, just, uh…he said some weird things to Mark.”

“What do you mean by ‘weird’?”

“Just…like Mark’s done something wrong. Like, Mark said he understood that being tired must be making Jeno more irritable, and Jeno asked if that was Mark’s excuse.”

“He didn’t explain what he meant?”

Shotaro shakes his head. Renjun thinks about that. It’s not necessarily surprising that Jeno has some kind of issue with Mark, because though Renjun doubts Jaemin’s ever explicitly said it to him since he returned, he must know Jaemin’s still in love with Mark. But Renjun wonders if this is an old grievance or a new one. It has to be something more than just Jaemin loving Mark.

Hopefully.

“Mark’s avoiding Jaemin,” Renjun says thoughtfully, repeating an idea Shotaro brought up weeks ago.

“Donghyuck always used to call Jeno ‘Jaemin’s guard dog’,” Shotaro says, just as thoughtfully. Renjun nods. He remembers.

Jeno’s not anywhere backstage. The boys can technically do whatever they want in the time between soundcheck and warm-ups—“As long as you have proper security!” Renjun can hear Doyoung saying like he’s right next to him—but the boys tend to stick together. Not always, but often. But Jeno’s not with any of the others. Renjun spots Sana going over information on a clipboard and goes over to her.

“Do you know where Jeno went?” he asks. She looks up.

“I’m not sure exactly,” she says, “but he might have gone back to the bus.”

Renjun thanks her and lets her wander off, hoping she won’t walk into anything as she looks back at the clipboard and continues to read.

The bus. It’s not unheard of for one or more of the boys to return to the bus before a concert to try to get a little more sleep. Something tells Renjun that that’s not what Jeno’s up to, if that is where he is.

Renjun shouldn’t do this. He should just let Jeno sulk. He has no responsibility to Jeno anymore, and he hasn’t for a long time. He tried to solve problems for Jeno a long time ago, and look where it got him. He knows better now.

Or maybe he doesn’t, because he finds himself heading out to the bus like he has no choice. He tells himself that if Jeno’s not there, he’ll go back and get something to eat and hang out with the other boys and let Jeno figure his own shit out. It’s not like he’s ever really needed Renjun before.

He climbs up onto the bus and looks around. There’s Jeno, sitting on the couch.

What the hell are you doing, Renjun?

“Hi,” Renjun says. Jeno looks at him for barely a second.

“Hi.”

“Are you okay?”

Jeno shrugs. “Does it matter?”

Renjun walks a little closer. “Of course it matters. If someone’s upset on tour, it affects all of us.”

Jeno snorts. “Yeah, well, we’re doing a great job of keeping everyone happy.”

“It happens sometimes.” Renjun sits down on the couch, leaving a fair amount of space between him and Jeno. “Look, Chenle’s sorry.”

Jeno raises an eyebrow. “Did he say that?”

“Not…in those exact words.”

Not even fucking close to those words, actually. But Doyoung will probably make both of them apologize anyway. Renjun’s just speeding things up.

“Uh-huh.”

Renjun resists the urge to point out that Jeno’s not completely innocent in this. He didn’t come out here to start another fight.

He doesn’t really know why he came out here. Maybe it just reminds him of days he tells himself he doesn’t miss.

(“What’s the matter, baby?” Renjun asked once, twice, a million times. The only answers he ever got were half-truths at best.)

“He’s gonna be nicer,” Renjun insists.

“Right. Like as nice as he’s been this entire tour?”

Renjun bristles a little at his tone of voice. “Forgive him if he hasn’t wanted to pick things up right where you two left off. I think you can understand why that is.”

“No, you know what? I don’t understand why that is. Jaemin can manage to be civil with me. Why can’t he?”

Renjun clenches his jaw. The way he said Jaemin’s name…like Jaemin’s the only one who was hurt. Or maybe just that Jaemin’s the only one who matters who was hurt. Fuck the rest of the boys. Fuck Renjun. They’re just side characters in the pathetic tragedy of Jeno and Jaemin.

“Chenle was being civil,” Renjun says. “Until you started picking fights with him.”

“You have an interesting definition of civility.”

Renjun knows Chenle, a lot fucking better than Jeno does. Truly uncivil Chenle is much worse than anything he’s shown Jeno.

“What do you want him to do, Jeno? Pretend the last seven years never fucking happened? I told you we didn’t have to be friends, but that goes for Chenle too.”

“I know, I know. He doesn’t really like me, right?”

Renjun swallows his next words, the question of whether Jeno even cares if anyone but Jaemin likes him. A thinly veiled accusation in the wondering of how well Jeno could really like any of them if he could just leave like he did. That’s low, and Renjun’s better than that.

For now.

“No. He doesn’t.”

Jeno doesn’t quite glare at Renjun, but it’s close. “Is that why you came out here? Just to defend Chenle? Because…whatever. Fine. Chenle doesn’t like me. I can tell. I’m not really worried about Chenle, anyway.”

He puts the smallest amount of emphasis on Chenle’s name, and it makes Renjun think about what he just talked about with Shotaro.

“Are you mad at Mark?”

“Why would I be mad at Mark?”

Despite the question, Jeno doesn’t seem very surprised Renjun’s asking. That tells Renjun a lot.

“That’s what I’m asking.”

A moment passes before Jeno says anything. “Of course I’m not mad at Mark. I love Mark. Just like everyone does.”

Renjun recognizes the bitterness in his voice from late, late nights years ago as things neared their conclusion and Jeno started making comments Renjun didn’t really understand. That’s a strange point in time to look back on, a weird feeling to remember, the sensation that maybe, maybe he was losing Jeno, only to find out later that he never had him to begin with.

Jeno was mad at Mark back then, too, especially after Mark’s birthday. Renjun just didn’t want to see it.

“You’re such a liar.”

“Why does it matter, Renjun? You really wanna talk out my issues with Mark with me? I thought you didn’t want to be friends.”

Renjun remembers vividly the last time Jeno was this dismissive of him. It was the last time Renjun saw him for over six years. He’s feeling a lot less charitable now than he was then. He remembers what he just told Chenle, that Jeno’s just trying to provoke him. Maybe he’s just trying to provoke Renjun, too. Renjun’s not going to let him hurt him anymore.

“You know what? You’re right. I don’t. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. You clearly don’t want any company. I’m sorry for disturbing you.”

Jeno actually does look a little sheepish, but Renjun’s patience is already gone. At least he’s learned something. Back when they were dating, on days when Jeno’s moodiness lingered around like an unwanted guest, Renjun’s patience was never-ending. All he wanted to do was help. He’s not going to bend over backwards for Jeno now. If Jeno wants to talk, he knows where to find all of them.

Renjun gets up, and Jeno looks away. Renjun stops when he gets to the door of the bus and says, “Maybe catch a nap while you’re in here.” Under his breath, he adds, “It might dislodge the stick up your ass.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Renjun leaves the bus. He finds the rest of the boys again, and sees that Doyoung has Chenle pulled aside. Renjun wishes him luck. Chenle is always the one Doyoung has the most trouble controlling. Shotaro spots Renjun and comes over to him.

“Did you go find him?” he asks.

“Yeah. He’s definitely mad at Mark. He wouldn’t say why, but, you know. If it doesn’t have something to do with Jaemin, I’ll be shocked.”

Shotaro nods in agreement. “Are you okay?”

Renjun realizes he’s frowning. “Yeah, I’m…I’ll be fine.”

He’s not too sure about Jeno, though, not that he should be worried. Jeno doesn’t want his concern.

Fine. They’ll do things his way.

Looking back now, Renjun would have to say that his relationship with Jeno moved in slow motion. They didn’t jump right into things. It took them a while to figure each other out. It was the first relationship either of them had ever had, and they were both a little shy when it came to romance. But it was nice. Renjun liked that it felt like there was never any rush, like they had plenty of time to hit milestones, like they weren’t racing towards any kind of finish line. They were still young and inexperienced, but they could figure everything out together, at a pace that worked for both of them. At the time, Renjun harbored suspicions that Jeno wouldn’t have minded going a little faster, but he was a gentleman and was waiting for Renjun to be ready with everything they did. Now he suspects Jeno liked the slow pace because it kept things from getting too real for him.

Renjun wishes it had been the same for him.

Their first headlining tour brought them to places they’d never been before, in more ways than one. Most of the time, they had four rooms for the boys. Renjun and Jeno roomed together by default. They had more privacy than they ever did at home, with Mark and Jaemin breathing down their necks. Renjun had Jeno all to himself.

America. New York. Two shows, two consecutive days, two roaring crowds of thousands. Two of their biggest crowds to date. Then a couple days to explore the city before they had to move on. After the second show, they all gathered in Shotaro and Donghyuck’s room for a while because they were all excited and they didn’t have to do anything the next day if they didn’t want to. It was after two in the morning when Renjun and Jeno finally got back to their own room, remnants of the show still clinging to them, and neither one of them wanted to wait for the shower, so after an intense discussion in which their lips moved plenty but not much was said, they showered together.

It started there, with wandering hands and lips. It ended in bed, barely dry, still wet hair, Renjun on top of Jeno, blurring the lines between them until they both came apart. Jeno kissed more desperately than he ever had that night, and his hands grasped the bare expanses of Renjun’s skin like he was afraid Renjun would disappear. It was Renjun who should’ve been worried. But there was permanence in the way Jeno touched him. Renjun felt secure in his hands.

After, as he laid with his head on Jeno’s chest, listening to his heartbeat, he felt something growing in him, something that had been there for a while, stronger than anything he’d ever felt. He didn’t say anything yet, but he allowed himself to think it for the first time. And he had the naivety to hope Jeno was thinking it too.

Nowadays, on the few occasions when someone asks, hoping for some salacious story of how Renjun lost his virginity, Renjun says two things: “old boyfriend” and “really fucking bad”. If any of the Neos are in the vicinity, they wince. It’s not entirely true. Sure, they were fumbling and inexperienced, and Renjun has certainly had better sex since, but emotionally…Renjun has struggled to connect to anyone like that ever since. People who want some bawdy sex tale don’t want to know that, don’t need to know that.

Renjun never liked living in New York. He said it was because of the crowds, the mobs of fans, the lack of privacy. The same things most of the other boys were tired of. And that wasn’t a lie. It’s just that there was another reason, too. Renjun never liked living in New York because it reminded him of Jeno, and another of many firsts Renjun gave to him. He was happy when they left.

And yet still Jeno lived on, somewhere where Renjun couldn’t quite see him, and so couldn’t fully get rid of him.

And maybe…maybe there was a part of Renjun that never wanted to. Maybe that’s what hurts the most, to not see that sentiment returned.

Soundcheck the next day is much less eventful. Jeno’s head feels clearer today, and Chenle doesn’t say much to him—in fact, he hasn’t said much to him since yesterday afternoon—which helps. The most excitement is a technical issue with Donghyuck’s mic. Jeno sticks around until the end today, and Doyoung doesn’t look like he wants to smack him, so Jeno thinks it’s a better day.

He’s been watching Jaemin carefully lately. His caffeine intake has been concerning since he was a middle schooler, but Jeno can still tell the difference between when he’s inhaling coffee because he’s Jaemin and when he’s doing it because he hasn’t been sleeping well. He doesn’t have the energy he normally does at soundcheck. He’ll find it by tonight, somehow, because he’s been like this for days now but he hasn’t been off for a performance yet. He could never, never disappoint the fans. They get the best of him, always. Away from the crowds, the boys see other sides. Jeno’s been trying to find ways to talk to him about it, but he gets so tongue-tied when Jaemin’s around, especially since his birthday.

Since the night of the get-together at Mark and Jaemin’s house right before the start of tour, Jeno’s birthday is the closest the two of them have come to talking about what happened between them. Those are the two most meaningful conversations Jeno has had with Jaemin since he came back. He doesn’t know how to dig deeper, how to get Jaemin to open up to him again like he once did.

He doesn’t know if Jaemin ever will again.

Doyoung gives Jeno a look as all the boys start leaving the stage, and Jeno thinks he’s probably telling him to behave. Doyoung didn’t yell at him yesterday; he seemed too exhausted for that. But Doyoung has never needed to yell to get his point across. And Jeno does feel bad he interrupted soundcheck like that, but he doesn’t understand why Chenle, of all of them, is so mad at him all the time.

But he’s not concerned with Chenle right now. He can keep his distance if Chenle can.

Jeno joins the group as they head backstage as Doyoung goes off to do something very important, certainly, and Jeno watches the way Jaemin drags his feet. Mark whispers something in his ear—something that seems to please him, because he smiles and nods, and then Mark goes off in a different direction from the rest of the group. The rest of them go back to one of the dressing rooms, but it isn’t long before Chenle’s whining about how hungry he is.

“Did Mark go to take a nap?” Renjun asks Jaemin, ignoring Chenle as he tugs on Renjun’s arm like a child trying to get an adult to follow him.

“Yeah,” Jaemin confirms.

“Thank God. I swear he looks like he’s gonna fall asleep standing up sometimes.”

Jaemin chuckles half-heartedly. Renjun says something else too quiet for Jeno to hear, and then he relents to Chenle’s tugging, letting him drag him out of the room, Jisung and Shotaro not far behind them. Jeno realizes then that Donghyuck never entered the dressing room with the rest of them, and he didn’t notice when he separated from them, either. But maybe he also went back to the bus, or went to find food right away. But that leaves Jeno alone with Jaemin, who’s typing something on his phone.

“You gonna get something to eat?” Jeno asks after a moment of uncomfortable silence. Well, uncomfortable for him. He’s not sure Jaemin’s even realized he’s still here.

Jaemin looks up. “Oh, yeah, in a minute. You go ahead, I’ll catch up.”

It would be easy to listen. But it’s not often he gets a moment completely alone with Jaemin.

“Hey, um…are you okay?”

“Me?” Jaemin looks surprised. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

“I don’t know.” Jeno takes a few casual steps closer to him. “You’ve seemed kinda tired lately.”

Jaemin shrugs. “We’re all tired.”

“That’s not all it is. I can tell.”

Jaemin shrugs again. Jeno waits, but Jaemin’s attention is back on his phone. He doesn’t seem like he has anything else to say. Again, Jeno debates just leaving. Trying to forget about it. But he knows he’s not going to be able to do that, and he doesn’t know if he’ll have any more opportunities to talk to Jaemin like this before break. Before Jaemin goes home, the home he shares with Mark.

Jeno knows Mark is the issue. He just needs to get Jaemin to talk about it.

“Is everything okay with Mark?” he asks cautiously.

“It’s just the usual. He’s not getting enough sleep.”

“But there’s something else, too, right? You said a while ago that there’s something he’s not telling you.”

Jaemin locks his phone and drops his arms to his sides. “He’s still not. If you wanna know, you’ll have to ask him.”

Like Mark would tell him anything.

“Has it been keeping you awake?”

“Maybe. I guess.”

“And he still won’t tell you?”

“If he doesn’t wanna talk about it, he doesn’t have to. I’m not gonna make him. I can’t make him.”

“You shouldn’t have to make him, Jaemin. If he knows it’s bothering you like this—”

“I’m not gonna guilt trip him, Jeno. And I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem like it. I’m not telling you to guilt trip him. I’m just saying that I don’t think it’s right for him to shut you out like this, not if you’re literally losing sleep over it.”

Jaemin looks at Jeno for a long moment, and Jeno can’t figure out what he’s thinking. He looks like he’s searching for something, but Jeno doesn’t know what. Finally, he clears his throat.

“You’re right.”

Jeno’s feeling of vindication lasts only a second.

“I am tired. I think I might go lie down for a while. Tell the others, will you?”

That’s not what Jeno was hoping to get out of Jaemin. But he can’t stop him from trying to get some rest. He nods.

“Thank you,” Jaemin says before heading for the door. Jeno follows him, though he’s not sure where he’s going. He suddenly doesn’t really have an appetite.

Out in the hallway, they find Donghyuck sitting on the ground across from the dressing room door. Jeno wonders where he’s been.

“Hey, Hyuckie,” Jaemin says, like he’s not even surprised to see him there.

“Hey, Nana,” Donghyuck replies. Jaemin keeps walking, and Donghyuck grins up at Jeno. “Hi, Jeno.”

“What do I have to do to get rid of you?” Jeno asks when Jaemin’s out of earshot. Donghyuck giggles and stands up.

“Remember when you first came back and you were still trying to pretend you liked me?” Donghyuck asks. “That was funny.”

“Have you been waiting out here for me or something?”

“Yes, darling, I just can’t bear to be apart from you.”

Jeno rolls his eyes. “What do you want?”

“You really should leave Jaemin alone, you know. You’re not gonna get him to cry on your shoulder about anything.”

“Oh my God, were you listening to us?”

“No. I took a wild guess. You were alone with Jaemin, I figured you had to be either whining about Mark or trying to convince him to run away with you. And the second option seemed a little bold for you.”

“I was not whining.”

“Sure, whatever.”

“I just thought he might want to talk to someone, since none of the rest of you seem to want to get involved.”

Donghyuck shakes his head. “Give it up, Jeno. He doesn’t tell people things that could hurt him anymore.”

Jeno looks at the floor. He can’t stand to see the look that Donghyuck’s giving him right now, nearly mocking.

“Well, unless your name is Mark Lee,” Donghyuck says, just to make things worse. Even without looking at him, Jeno can feel Donghyuck leaning closer. “But I guess Mark earned that trust, right? And retained it?”

Jeno looks up just to glare. “Fuck off.”

Donghyuck, as usual, is unfazed. “Come on, Jeno, let’s go get something to eat. You can stare at Jaemin the whole time if you want to.”

“He was going back to the bus to try to get some rest.”

“Oh, isn’t that where Mark went, too? Just think: they could be fighting or fucking it out right this very second.”

A hot surge of jealousy courses through Jeno’s chest at the images that conjures. Donghyuck’s definitely doing this on purpose. He opens his mouth, but Donghyuck’s already smirking and holding up his hands in front of him.

“I know, I know. I’m fucking off.”

He walks away and doesn’t look back. Jeno takes a few seconds to cool down, then reluctantly follows him, all the while reminding himself that they have less than a week left of shows before break.

They were never planning to stay in that same cramped apartment for long. It was inevitable that they were going to find something better when they had the money and the time to look. Jeno knew that from the beginning. He also knew there was a chance that the four of them wouldn’t stay together, that they’d end up pairing off.

It still felt like a gut punch the day Jeno sat down with Jaemin, Renjun, and Mark and they made the final decision to split up. It just made sense for Jaemin to go with Mark, because it was assumed that Jeno and Renjun would want to stay together. There was no reason to split the boyfriends up when they could finally have a place for just the two of them. Renjun was so excited.

Jaemin was excited, too.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Jeno asked him one night, voice so, so quiet so Mark and Renjun wouldn’t hear him. They were just across the room, heads bent over Mark’s laptop, having abandoned a serious search for apartments a while before. Now they seemed to be trying to find out what the most expensive housing options in the city were, their shock growing every minute. It kept them distracted.

“Moving?” Jaemin asked.

“Moving in with him,” Jeno said. On cue, Mark groaned over what must have been an outrageously high rent.

“I already live with him.”

“You know what I mean.”

It was going to be so hard for Jaemin to get over Mark if he was living alone with him. Coming home to only him every night. They already spent more than enough time together.

Jaemin shrugged. “Who else am I gonna live with?” He wiggled his eyebrows. “I can’t split you and Renjun up.”

“Shut up.”

Jeno wanted to say that he could. That if he wanted Jeno to come with him instead, Jeno would. But that would’ve hurt Renjun. It wouldn’t have made sense, not to Renjun, and not to any of the other boys.

“You could ask Shotaro,” Jeno said. “Donghyuck could go with Mark. He’d love that.”

Donghyuck was almost as obsessed with Mark as Jaemin was. He wouldn’t have needed convincing. Jeno was sure of it.

“Mark will think I don’t like him if I ask someone else now.”

Of course Jaemin was worried about what Mark would think of him. Like he shouldn’t have been more worried about himself, and how much more heartbreak he could take.

“Well, we don’t have to move now. We could hold off for a while—Mark’s been talking about getting a new guitar. This could help him save up for that.”

“We’ve already been making plans. It’ll be fine, Jeno. Mark’s my friend. I can deal with living with just him.”

Jaemin smiled reassuringly, but Jeno wasn’t convinced. But he didn’t know how he could change Jaemin’s mind. It was clear Jaemin wanted to stay with Mark, regardless of what it did to him emotionally. Jaemin was powerless against Mark.

“Jesus Christ!” Mark nearly yelled. “How do you even get that much money?”

Jaemin laughed and got up to go see what he was talking about. His and Jeno’s conversation was over. They never talked about it again. A handful of weeks later, Jeno and Jaemin went their separate ways. Well, to separate apartments. And Jaemin slipped a little further away from Jeno again. A little closer to Mark, who would never love him the way Jeno did.

Not that Jeno didn’t like living with just Renjun. He did. He liked the higher amount of privacy they had, and Renjun was sweet and funny and he looked at Jeno in a way no one ever had before. He looked at Jeno the way Jaemin looked at Mark.

Jeno knew before Renjun said it. He could feel it coming. He kept trying to delay it, but he couldn’t keep it away forever. He knew it when Renjun said his name so quietly one night while they were watching a movie. He turned to face Jeno, playing nervously with his fingers, and Jeno knew.

Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it.

“I love you.”

Jeno tried desperately not to let his face betray him. He didn’t want to hurt Renjun. He liked Renjun, so fucking much.

He just didn’t love him. Not in the way Renjun wanted him to.

“You don’t have to say it back,” Renjun continued, not looking Jeno in the eyes. “I just wanted you to know.”

Renjun kept talking—rambling, really—but Jeno barely heard him. He was too focused on trying to figure out what to say. He felt like anything he said would give him away, would make it clear that, though he kept trying to move on, he still loved Jaemin. So he did the only other thing he could think of: he cut Renjun off right in the middle of a sentence by kissing him. Renjun didn’t seem too upset about being interrupted.

The movie was forgotten about that night. And Jeno had the feeling that he was going down a road he couldn’t come back from.

Donghyuck can feel the ground starting to shake again. He’s felt this once before. He likes to think he’s not a terrible person. He wasn’t hoping for this. He would’ve loved for things to have gone differently. But, though he’s never claimed to know everything, he does know a few things:

1) Mark Lee will always be the greatest love of Jaemin Na’s life, even if that love is never returned

2) Chenle Zhong is a ticking time bomb, and no one, not even Renjun Huang, will be able to control him once he goes off

3) Lee Jeno is the biggest fucking liar out of all of them

Donghyuck’s been keeping track. Chenle and Jeno had the fight at soundcheck, but he knows that’s not the worst Chenle can give. Donghyuck’s quite fond of Chenle. He never pulls his punches. Renjun disappeared from the group that very same day when the only other person missing was Jeno, and he reappeared clearly agitated, agitated like he was back near the start of the tour. Donghyuck already knows Jeno has an issue with Mark, one that’s years old, and Mark’s going to be a very easy target for him. It’s not really a fair fight when your opponent’s already on the floor.

And that leaves Jaemin. Poor Jaemin. He never asked to be at the epicenter of this whole drama. Maybe that’s why he’s tried so hard to erase himself from the story altogether. They say Shotaro caught up to him in some fucking park somewhere that night, but Donghyuck doesn’t think that’s true. Donghyuck doesn’t think Jaemin’s ever stopped running.

Donghyuck wasn’t hoping this would happen, but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to see it through. And then he can finish everything the way he started it.

Alone.

Chapter Text

Jeno’s final summer with the boys was spent sweating out performances in crowded bars and clubs and any other place they could continue to make money as they put together a fourth album. Mark was determined to make this one their best effort yet, and was practically never seen without a pen and a notebook in his hands unless he was playing. That summer’s not a very happy one for Jeno to look back on, and not just because of the party that ended everything.

Yeonjung was around a lot that summer. She came to many of their gigs when she could, and Mark did the same for her band. Sometimes she’d just come to hang out. All of the boys loved her. Jeno certainly did. She was good for Mark, and got along well with everyone she met, it seemed.

Jeno worried about Jaemin, though. He knew Yeonjung being around all the time was taking its toll on him. Mark and Yeonjung were happy, really happy, and Jeno worried about what that could mean for Jaemin. He worried about what Mark might be telling him, about his feelings and his plans for the future. He worried that eventually Mark would want to move in with her instead and leave Jaemin all alone. He worried that Jaemin would accidentally show a little too much and Mark would finally, finally catch on. He was worried Yeonjung would catch on. He just didn’t want Jaemin to get hurt worse than he already had been. He wanted Jaemin to face reality.

And he wanted Jaemin to stop trying to drag him down with him. Jeno would’ve been there for him if he needed him. They could’ve dealt with it together. He didn’t need to keep playing games with Jeno’s head. They were both just going to suffer in the end.

That’s what Jeno remembers about that summer. The pain, a constant ache in his chest. He’d forgotten how strong it was until recently. He wondered all the time if Jaemin felt it too. He wondered if Mark would give a shit if he knew.

He wondered if Jaemin would ever, ever, ever let go.

They make it to the day of the final European show. Renjun thought it would never come. They’re up bright and early to drive to the final venue, and though none of them go back to the bunks, most of them nod off at some point. Renjun doesn’t sleep, though he’d like to. He closes his eyes and pretends, but his thoughts keep him awake.

The past week has been long. Chenle’s actually been behaving, like he said he would, but Renjun knows he’s been showing a fair amount of restraint. Jeno’s been temperamental with absolutely everyone except Jaemin, which isn’t really surprising, but it is annoying. Even Jisung and Shotaro haven’t been completely spared. Mark’s taken the brunt of it though, plenty of snide comments that further prove what Renjun already knows: Jeno’s mad at Mark. Mark’s been too exhausted to fight back, but Renjun really thinks Jeno should be careful. Going after Mark isn’t going to win him any favor with the person he most wants to get back into the good graces of.

He should know that. But love makes you do a lot of fucked up shit, or whatever it is people like to say.

Donghyuck’s the only one who’s cheery when they get to the venue, but Renjun’s not sure he’s totally buying it. Donghyuck seems to be whispering in Jeno’s ear a lot lately, metaphorically but also sometimes literally. Well, he’s kind of been doing it the whole tour so far, but somehow it’s seemed a bit different over the past week. Maybe because Jeno’s been less willing to just ignore him. In some ways they resemble their much younger selves, who they were even before the band was formed. The way they could never even pretend to get along. The biggest difference now is Donghyuck. Donghyuck’s smile never falters, no matter how Jeno snaps at him.

Donghyuck’s always been a good actor. And annoying Jeno nonstop out of years old spite is petty even for Donghyuck’s standards. He had to have had a reason for wanting Jeno to come along on tour.

They get ready for soundcheck and Donghyuck chatters away about the nice weather, and everyone else barely speaks. There’s tension hanging in the air, thick and impossible not to notice. Even certain members of the crew carry out their tasks like they’re walking on eggshells. Doyoung paces today. A lot.

After soundcheck, they all scatter, going their own ways, like that’ll dispel the tension hanging over their heads. Renjun stays behind to watch Black Mamba for a while, truthfully just because he wants a moment to himself and doesn’t want to hide in a bathroom stall. They’re fun to watch, though, even just during soundcheck, but the minutes still seem to crawl by. Renjun’s not even looking forward to the concert tonight, something that rarely happens. He just wants the day to be over.

When he finally goes to see if he can locate any of the other boys, he does so reluctantly. It’s just his luck that he finds Jeno first, just sitting in a random chair in the hallway, the positioning of which makes it impossible for Renjun to decide if it would be weirder if the chair was already there or if Jeno found a chair and brought it there. In the end, he doesn’t really care. He seriously debates walking right past him. But there’s just something about Jeno.

Or maybe there’s just something about Renjun.

“Last show,” Renjun says, like Jeno doesn’t fucking know.

“For a few weeks,” Jeno replies.

“Yeah. You excited?”

“For the show or for break?”

Renjun shrugs. “Either one.”

“Both, I guess.” He doesn’t sound like he means it, but Renjun’s not sure he would either. “I need a break.”

Renjun can see on his face how tired he is. He’s not used to this. He hasn’t been on a tour in seven years.

“Yeah. Me too.”

Jeno nods. He seems very subdued right now. But Jeno used to be like that a lot, especially right before he left. He could bounce back and forth between emotions with little to no warning. One second he’d be fine. Then…irritable. Angry. Upset. Now Renjun figures the trigger was probably something Jaemin said or did, or maybe even just that Jeno starting thinking about it too much. Renjun just didn’t have the knowledge to realize it back then.

“I think everyone does,” Renjun says.

“Guess so.”

“Jeno…” Renjun stops. He doesn’t know what he wants to say. He doesn’t know if he should say anything at all. Maybe he should just smile and walk away.

He doesn’t know what the hell he’s expecting to get from Jeno. It’s been months now. And yet he keeps finding himself more and more wishing he’d get any kind of sign that he wasn’t completely a fool.

Jeno makes a questioning noise. Renjun sighs.

“Nothing. I’m gonna go see what the others are up to. See you later.”

“Jaemin went back to the bus. I’m not sure about the others.”

Renjun almost laughs. Of course Jeno knows that. Jeno always seemed to know where Jaemin was seven years ago, too. It’s like he just can’t help himself.

Renjun was so, so blind. Chenle would be mad at him for even thinking it, but Chenle knew before he did.

“Thanks.”

Renjun walks away, and he can still feel that tension all around him, even in this otherwise empty hallway. He doubts ignoring it will make it go away, but for the time being, it’s the best plan he’s got.

Jeno told Renjun he loved him for the first time a few months before he was gone. More than anything else, Renjun’s tried to scrub that from his memory. He doesn’t want to remember how Jeno looked or how the words sounded or the way it made Renjun feel. None of it matters anyway. None of it was real.

Jeno didn’t sleep well last night. He wonders if anyone on this fucking tour did. He knows Mark didn’t, because Jaemin’s been whispering softly to him all day, and even now, as they’re supposed to be getting warmed up and ready for the show, Jaemin can’t stop looking at him with that sad and anxious expression. Jeno doesn’t know why he keeps doing this to himself. Mark isn’t remotely as concerned about Jaemin as Jaemin is about Mark.

Jeno doesn’t understand how Mark can just not care.

“Last show!” Donghyuck declares happily. He’s the only one who’s not showing signs of exhaustion. Jeno has no idea where he’s getting his energy.

“Hooray,” Chenle says with no enthusiasm.

“Oh, come on, you have to at least be excited to go home.”

Chenle shrugs. Donghyuck turns away from him and grabs onto Mark.

“Markie, are you excited to go home?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Mark says. Donghyuck lays his head on Mark’s shoulder, and Jeno frowns. He thinks he finally knows what Donghyuck’s doing. He probably should’ve realized it a long time ago.

“You must be,” Donghyuck says. “You seem so tired these days.”

“I’m okay.”

“Are you?” Jeno asks. “You’ve got a lot of people pretty worried about you. Do you know that?”

Mark looks at him the way he always does: surprised, caught off guard. Like he has no fucking clue what Jeno’s talking about.

“Jeno—” Jaemin begins, but someone else has more conviction and less hesitation than he does.

Of course it’s fucking Chenle.

“Mind your fucking business, dude.”

“Boys, don’t fight now,” Doyoung says tiredly. Jeno had completely forgotten he was here.

“I’m not fighting,” Chenle says. “I’m telling him to back off. He’s been snapping at Mark all week now. It’s getting old.”

“You sure you don’t just want an excuse to yell at me?” Jeno asks.

“Oh my God, fuck off. Am I hurting your feelings? Am I making you feel bad? Good. You should know how it feels.”

“Chenle,” Renjun says, almost nervously. Chenle ignores him.

“You’re telling me to mind my business?” Jeno says. “How about you mind yours? You’re still mad at me about something that had nothing to do with you.”

Chenle gapes at him. “Jesus Christ, you have no fucking clue, do you? You know, I knew you were an asshole, but I didn’t realize—”

“That’s fucking it,” Doyoung says abruptly, shrill enough to cut through Chenle’s anger. “You two are coming with me.”

He practically stomps over to the door.

“Doyoung—” Jeno says.

“Right fucking now,” Doyoung says, and he doesn’t even have to yell. Jeno doesn’t have an option, and neither does Chenle. They follow him obediently out of the room. He doesn’t say anything else until he’s shut the door behind them in a different, empty dressing room. “You two are gonna fucking figure this out. Talk it out, yell it out, beat each other senseless, I don’t care, just do whatever you have to do so you can fucking leave each other alone.” He glances at his watch. “You have maybe an hour before Chenle has to go onstage. Come out ready to play, or don’t fucking come out at all.”

“Doyoung,” Jeno tries again, but he’s stopped by the look Doyoung gives him. This is not the angriest Jeno’s seen him, but it’s close.

“Figure it out.”

He turns around and leaves. Jeno stares at the door. There’s a couch against one of the walls, and Chenle drops onto it.

“Well, how do you wanna do this?” he asks. “I don’t know about you, but I kinda liked the beating each other senseless option.”

Jeno slowly, slowly turns to look at him. “What the fuck is your problem with me?”

Chenle stares at him for a long time before he shakes his head. “God, you really do think Jaemin’s the only one who has any reason to be mad at you.”

“I don’t think that.”

“Yes, you fucking do. I can see it every time you’re around him. You don’t look that fucking guilty around anyone else.”

Jeno thinks about that. “He was my best friend, and I hurt him.”

“Oh, believe me, I fucking know. We all fucking know, because we all had to deal with it. You made this fucking gigantic mess and then you left us all to clean it up.”

“Did you really want me to stick around?”

“Would you have given a fuck? We tried, Jeno. Mark and Shotaro tried for months, and you wouldn’t even answer your phone. You left. That’s not our fault.” Chenle points at Jeno. “I always thought there was something weird about you with Jaemin. The way you looked at him sometimes…but I thought—”

He cuts himself off and looks at the ceiling.

“You thought what?”

A moment passes before he says, “Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

“Look, Chenle…I understand I hurt Renjun too. But you’re not Renjun.”

“No, you’re right, I’m not, but who do you think Renjun went to when he was drunk and missing you? Whose shoulder do you think he cried on night after night? Mark’s? Jaemin’s? Yeah, right. He liked to bitch you out in Chinese. So I’m sorry if you think I’m angrier than I have a right to be, but you didn’t have to see him like that.”

Renjun is Chenle’s favorite, Jeno remembers.

Chenle sighs. “But you don’t even give a shit.”

“Of course I give a shit—”

“No, you don’t. Because he’s not Jaemin. He was your boyfriend. You told him you loved him when you fucking didn’t and then you just left him without a word. You didn’t even break up with him. And yet Jaemin’s the one you can’t look in the eyes.” Chenle takes a deep breath. “I’m not saying you didn’t fuck Jaemin over, because you did. You betrayed Jaemin’s trust. But you broke Renjun’s heart, too.”

He stands up. “Now, we have to go do a fucking show. Doyoung only wants us to leave each other alone, and I can do that if you can. But if you want someone to feel sorry for you…look somewhere else. I don’t.”

“You’ve made that pretty clear.”

Chenle actually smiles, closed-lipped and vicious. “As long as we understand each other. I’m going back now.”

He leaves, and Jeno takes his place on the couch. He thinks he’d feel better if they had beaten each other senseless.

He doesn’t go back until he knows the Neos are onstage. The other dressing room is empty. Not even Doyoung is there. He waits, listening to the music and the crowd cheering, and eventually Sana comes to get him so he can go onstage. As always, none of the Neos give any signs that there’s conflict between them. Jeno plays his songs and goes back to the dressing room when he’s done and finds it still empty. He watches the monitor in the room absently as the final European show comes closer and closer to the end.

Three songs before encore, Mark goes off-script.

To be fair, there really isn’t a script. The boys change the set list regularly, rearranging things, taking things off, putting things on, and they joke around and are spontaneous and don’t always say the same things about the same songs every night. Even so, this is different. Somehow Jeno can just tell.

“So, this next song,” Mark says, “it’s one of our newer songs. Off the last album. And I think…I think the guitar solo in this one is pretty popular? I see a bunch of you guys talking about it a lot. So, uh, there’s actually someone on this stage right now who begged me to teach him that solo.”

Jeno can see and barely hear a few of the boys snickering.

“Right, Jaeminie?”

Jaemin puts a hand in front of his face like he’s embarrassed, and he must say something Jeno can’t hear, because Mark laughs.

“Anyway, I taught him, and I really think he’s doing a great job with it, so I thought maybe you guys would want to hear it too.”

The crowd roars.

“Yeah? You guys want Jaemin to play the solo on this next song?”

Even from the back, Jeno can tell that the consensus is yes. Mark looks back at Jaemin and shrugs.

“They want you, Jaeminie.”

Reluctantly, Jaemin comes out from behind his drum kit. As usual, Mark meets him at the edge of the raised platform and helps him down. Once Jaemin’s down, Mark lifts his guitar strap over his head.

He’s giving Jaemin the Les Paul to play.

The audience goes nuts, and even Jaemin plays it up, acting like a fanboy getting an autograph, because hardcore Neos fans know the significance. Jeno does too.

No one plays the Les Paul but Mark.

Mark takes Jaemin’s sticks and goes up on the platform to get settled behind the drum kit. Jaemin walks over to Mark’s mic and says, “Remember, if I’m really bad, you guys wanted this.”

“I’d be more worried about how bad I’m gonna butcher this beat,” Mark says.

The boys joke around a little more before Mark actually announces the song, though Jeno has a feeling many of the fans already guessed. They start to play, and Jeno waits with mixed emotions for the solo. He can’t stop it from coming, and Jaemin is good. He doesn’t play it exactly as Mark does, he adds his own flair, but he knows what he’s doing. He only knew the basics of guitar before Jeno left. He’s clearly put in a lot of work since then.

Jeno’s so proud of him. But he feels a little like there’s something caught in his throat. That fucking guitar.

The whole band cheers with the crowd for Jaemin when the song’s done. It’s too much attention for him, Jeno can tell. He hurries back to help Mark down like Mark’s done so many times for him before giving the Les Paul back to him. They perform the rest of their songs normally, and soon enough Sana’s back to get Jeno for final bow. They stay out onstage a little longer than usual, but that must be because it’s the final show of this leg. There’s a sense of completion in the way all of the crew members congratulate them on a successful show once they’re off, as well. They’re out of the crowd and in the hallway by the dressing rooms when Chaeyoung appears and nudges Mark on the arm.

“What the hell, dude?” she says teasingly. “You barely let me touch that Les Paul, and you let Jaemin play it like it’s nothing?”

Mark chuckles. “Jaemin bought the guitar, he can play the guitar.”

Chaeyoung doesn’t react, a sign she already knows. Of course she knows, everyone knows. It’s not a secret. You can find it on any number of websites online. Jeno knows, because he’s looked.

Mark Lee’s most beloved guitar was given to him by Jaemin Na. And Mark has always been sentimental about his gifts. He’ll be playing that thing until he dies.

Heartwarming. Right from the beginning, Jaemin has gone above and beyond for Mark. It must be nice for Mark to pretend he doesn’t notice.

Jaemin bought Mark a new guitar case for his twenty-first birthday. That’s what everyone thought, anyway. That’s what he told everyone when they asked. Everyone knew he needed a new one. His old one was barely hanging together. It was the ongoing joke all the way through the little party they had for him, because Jaemin’s present sat in the corner the whole time, very conspicuously wrapped, while everyone, Mark included, pretended to have no clue what it was. It was the last gift Mark opened, and that was a joke too. Jaemin insisted his should be last, because Mark would never guess what it was. They all played along.

Jeno thought it was a joke, at least. They all did. They all acted shocked and amazed when Mark tore the wrapping paper off, revealing a sleek new case, as expected.

Maybe Jeno should’ve paid more attention to the way Jaemin didn’t want anyone else to touch it beforehand, and carried it over for Mark to unwrap himself.

“Thank you, Jaeminie,” Mark said after tossing half of the wrapping paper at Chenle, who had a garbage bag. Jaemin only nodded and smiled a little. There was a spark of something that Jeno didn’t quite understand in his eyes. Now Jeno knows that Jaemin was still waiting, anticipating. Mark got rid of the rest of the wrapping paper and unlatched the case to get a look at the interior, and he dropped the top as soon as he opened it, before anyone else even had a chance to peek inside. A hand came up to his mouth. He looked at Jaemin with wide eyes.

“Happy birthday,” Jaemin said.

“What? Did he get you a new guitar?” Donghyuck asked with a laugh. He sobered when Mark didn’t reply. “No way, did he actually get you a new guitar?”

“He’s been complaining about needing a better guitar for like two years now,” Jaemin said. “I was sick of listening to it.”

“How much better?” Shotaro asked, scooting closer to Mark so he could open the case and look for himself. “Holy shit, a Les Paul?”

There was a bit of a commotion as the others started commenting and moving so they could see, but Jeno felt like he was frozen in place.

“Jaeminie, I can’t…” Mark said. He was still so shocked.

“It’s already bought, Mark,” Jaemin said, “you have to.”

“If you can’t, I can,” Shotaro said, making Mark frown.

“He got it for me.”

Shotaro snickered.

“You’re making the rest of us look cheap, Nana,” Renjun said. “Can you even afford this?”

“Well, I started dealing drugs on the side to make a little extra money, but I made it work.”

“Wait, seriously?” Donghyuck asked. Jaemin laughed.

“No. I’ve been saving for a while.”

“What if Mark had actually bought a new guitar himself before now, like he kept saying he was going to?” Chenle asked.

“It sure would’ve been tragic for me to have had a little money saved up.”

“Fair enough.”

“Jaeminie, you really didn’t have to do this,” Mark said. Jaemin looked down at his hands, embarrassed.

“I know. I wanted to. You said you wanted a new one before we started recording the next album, and you’re pretty much out of time.”

“Yeah, but…” Mark looked at the guitar again, then back up at Jaemin. “Fuck, thank you, dude. Seriously.”

Jaemin smiled, and Jeno could see how much he loved Mark. He couldn’t believe everyone else couldn’t see it, too.

“You’re welcome.”

It took Mark a few more minutes to recover from his shock, but once he did, he practically tackled Jaemin. The other boys all took turns inspecting the guitar, as well as Yuta and the road crew, who were also there—everyone except Jeno. He still felt like he couldn’t move. Jaemin had never even hinted to him that he was thinking of buying Mark a guitar for his birthday. They were doing okay for themselves, but definitely not okay enough that around four million won all at once for a guitar wasn’t a serious investment. Especially as a gift. Otherwise Mark would’ve just bought a fucking guitar for himself by then.

Jeno would have, too. He needed a new guitar, too, a better one. Had for a while, just like Mark.

But of course Jaemin got one for Mark. It was probably never even a question for him, he hadn’t had to think twice.

Maybe Jaemin wanted Mark to hurt him, wanted Mark to break his heart as many times as he was able. Maybe Jaemin had no common sense at all.

Maybe Jaemin was hoping he could do the impossible and get the straight guy to love him if he just did everything he could to please him. Jeno didn’t know how to get him to stop.

Yeonjung and all of her band mates showed up later, after a scheduled practice. Mark proudly showed off his new guitar to his girlfriend, who was just as shocked and excited as he was. But Jeno had to wonder how it really made her feel. Yeonjung wasn’t nearly as oblivious as Mark was. She had to have noticed how Jaemin acted around her boyfriend. None of his other friends had bought him a fucking guitar.

She took Jaemin aside at one point just for a couple seconds. Jeno doesn’t know what she said to him, but he came back looking a little chastened. Jeno has always wondered if she told him she knew. Maybe even told him to take a couple steps back. Jeno wanted to ask him, but he never found the right time.

And as the night went on and Jeno got progressively drunker, he tried to stop thinking about Jaemin—and that fucking Les Paul—at all. It was perfectly evident to him now that Mark would always come first as far as Jaemin was concerned. Jeno couldn’t compete with that. He didn’t want Jaemin to keep getting hurt, but Jaemin didn’t seem to have the same consideration for himself.

Jeno was exhausted. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He didn’t know if there was anything he could do.

He didn’t know how much longer he could watch this, though. He didn’t know how much more he could take.

Things are a little more chaotic after tonight’s show than they normally are. Doyoung seems to want to get the boys heading to the hotel as soon as possible, but many of the crew members are running around asking last minute questions of the band and, of course, Doyoung himself. The boys don’t even congregate in the same dressing room like they usually do, and instead dash all around backstage trying to locate different people they need to speak with as Taeyong desperately tries to chase them all down. Jeno himself doesn’t have much to do but wait, so he does end up in a dressing room that the boys and various crew members periodically run in and out of. Finally, Doyoung sticks his head into the room.

“We’re gonna be going to the hotel as soon as Taeyong can find all of the boys,” he says, “so if you could start heading towards the bus, that’d be great.”

Jeno nods and stands up, making sure he has the few things he brought to the venue with him. Doyoung’s gone before he even starts walking to the door. Out in the hallway, Jeno immediately spots a harried Taeyong, and he’s near enough that Jeno can hear him when he questions aloud, “Where the fuck did Mark and Jaemin go?”

No one gives him an answer, and he’s distracted by Jisung seconds later. Jeno debates it for a moment, then heads in the opposite direction of where he needs to go, checking every room he passes for Mark and Jaemin. He comes up empty again and again, but finally he starts to hear voices, and even though they’re low, Jeno knows one of them belongs to Jaemin. He turns a corner and there they are, far enough away from him that they don’t notice him immediately. In fact, even if they had been closer, they still may not have noticed him immediately. They’re in each other’s space, and whatever they’re talking about seems serious. Jeno doesn’t think they’re arguing, but the scene still appears intense somehow. And…almost intimate. As Jeno watches, Jaemin reaches up to cup Mark’s face and push some of his hair away from his eyes. Mark allows it for only a few seconds before he takes Jaemin’s hands away. He says one final thing before he turns, blinking in surprise when he sees Jeno.

“Oh, hey, dude,” he says. “Time to go?”

“Yeah,” Jeno confirms. Jaemin’s staring at the floor, fists clenched at his sides. He hasn’t even glanced at Jeno. Mark nods and starts walking in Jeno’s direction, but Jaemin stays where he is. When Mark passes him, Jeno says Jaemin’s name.

“I know,” Jaemin says. “I’m coming.”

His voice is so quiet. It hurts Jeno to hear it.

And Mark just walked away from him like he didn’t care at all.

“Jaemin…Jaemin, are you okay?”

Jaemin finally looks up, and does a good job of neutralizing his expression. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

He walks towards Jeno, and Jeno puts a hand on his arm to stop him when he gets there.

“Jaemin, you can talk to me. You know I still care about you. If Mark’s hurting you, you can tell me.”

Something unbearably weary seeps into Jaemin’s expression. “Don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Don’t pretend you give a fuck about the way Mark treats me.”

Jeno’s so stunned he can’t say anything for a moment. “Jaemin—I—what are you talking about? Of course I care how Mark treats you, I care about you.”

“Then why did you—” Jaemin stops and shakes his head. “I shouldn’t ask questions I already know the answer to.”

“Jaemin, I just want to help. What Mark’s doing to you is clearly upsetting you—”

“Mark’s not doing anything to me.” Jaemin seems to be doing his best to keep any real emotion off of his face and out of his voice. “He’s concerning me, but he’s concerning everyone. And I’m trying to be nice to you, because I know, I know you’re just trying to help, but you’ve been gone for years. I don’t think you’re in a position to judge Mark.”

Jeno can still feel it, years worth of anger and resentment towards the golden boy he would never be. He fights it back. He doesn’t want to get mad, not now. Not at Jaemin.

Not again.

“Jaemin, I’m just worried about you. And don’t tell me you’re fine, I know you’re not.”

“I appreciate that, Jeno, I do, but…I don’t know what you want me to say, I don’t know what you want me to do. Mark is my friend. Mark has always been my friend. I’m worried about him, but if he doesn’t want to tell me what’s going on with him, he doesn’t have to. It doesn’t mean he’s doing something wrong. And even if he was…that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”

Jeno feels guilt creep up on him, as it often does when he’s around Jaemin. “No, that’s not what I wanted. I’m…I’m so fucking sorry, Jaemin. I—I was out of my mind that night. I never should’ve said any of the shit I did. I didn’t mean any of it. I was just tired and upset because—”

Jaemin already knows, but it’s still different. It’s different for Jeno to tell him.

“Because I had feelings for you, and you…”

“And I had feelings for Mark,” Jaemin finishes for him. “You could’ve told me.”

“I thought you knew.” The words fall out of Jeno’s mouth before he can think about them. For just a short moment, Jaemin loses control of his expression. For just a short moment, he looks stricken.

“You—you thought—?” He recovers, and nods. “Right. Yeah. Okay.”

“Jaemin, I know—”

Jaemin holds up a hand. “It’s fine. Just…it’s me.”

“What do you mean? What’s you?”

“I’m the fucking problem.”

“No, no, you’re not—”

“I must be. I’m the reason everything’s fucked up now.”

“You’re not.”

Jaemin runs a hand through his hair. He looks a bit frazzled, but that’s all the emotion he shows. Jeno feels like one wrong move—or one right move—would bring to the surface everything that’s hiding underneath.

“Look, um…if you still need someone to be mad at, be mad at me. Go ahead. But leave the other boys out of it. You can’t keep lashing out at them, and you can’t keep trying to solve all of my problems for me. It’s not good for the band and it’s not good for you.”

“I’m not mad at you, Nana.” Once again, Jeno speaks without thinking. He hasn’t called Jaemin “Nana” since he came back. At least to Jeno, that’s still a nickname that’s just for friends.

He has no fucking clue what he is to Jaemin now.

The tiniest smile appears on Jaemin’s lips, but there’s pain in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Jeno.”

“For what?”

“I’m sorry I don’t love you.”

Jeno feels almost winded. He knew, he knew, he knew, but Jaemin’s never said it before.

Maybe part of him was hoping he never would.

“Sometimes I really wish I did.” There’s sincerity in Jaemin’s voice. “But you need to let me go.”

Jeno hears footsteps before he can speak. He turns around and sees Chenle just as he’s coming around the corner.

“Guys, the bus is gonna leave without you,” he says before looking at them carefully. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” Jaemin says. “We’re coming.”

Chenle stares hard at Jeno before Jaemin takes him by the hand and pulls him away. Jeno stays behind for a few more seconds before he follows, knowing that Doyoung would definitely give the go-ahead to leave without him if he was frustrated enough, and tonight, Doyoung has seemed frustrated enough.

The ride to the hotel is tense and uncomfortable. Not a single person talks. Not even Donghyuck, even though his good mood doesn’t seem to have gone away. All the way there, Jeno can’t stop thinking about a night seven years ago. The worst of his life.

Fuck, it was hot that night…

Chapter Text

…and so they all gathered indoors, at Yuta’s place, to celebrate their third anniversary. They’d been in the studio since the day after Mark’s birthday, starting to record the next album, but they’d quit early that day. Jeno had been irritable, but he blamed it on the heat. He’d been irritable for days. What he needed was to relax. The party should’ve been the perfect opportunity for that.

Should’ve been. His mistake for thinking so.

Jaemin outdid himself that night. Jeno remembers wondering if he’d been sneaking espresso shots with how much energy he seemed to have. And all that energy went towards not leaving Mark alone for a single fucking second. Yeonjung wasn’t there—she was in Busan for a concert—and maybe that made Jaemin bolder. Jeno couldn’t have imagined Jaemin acting the way he was if she was around.

Of course, Mark didn’t say anything. He indulged him. Mark always indulged Jaemin, from the very first day they met. Maybe that was why Jaemin was never able to move on. Mark just wouldn’t let him.

Jeno told himself he wasn’t going to get drunk, but that went out the window fast. But it was a party. All anyone could fault him for was celebrating too hard. Renjun was keeping an eye on him. Renjun was always worried about him.

Renjun could never just mind his own business.

Jeno tried to stay away from both Jaemin and Mark, but Yuta’s house wasn’t huge, and he didn’t want it to seem like he was avoiding them. He didn’t want to get a lot of questions he couldn’t answer. And of course Jaemin couldn’t tell that Jeno wasn’t really in the mood to be around him. Or maybe he could, and it was all just part of his game. Maybe everything was part of his game. Maybe he didn’t give a shit about Jeno at all.

Vividly, Jeno remembers ending up in the kitchen with Mark just by chance, and of course Jaemin wasn’t far behind. He sidled right up to Mark and said in a low voice, in English (his English was always better than Jeno’s), “I wouldn’t if I were you. I know what she can do.”

Jeno was confused until Mark replied, “She’s deadly, man, she could really rip your world apart. ‘Maneater’. Hall and Oates.”

It was the fucking lyric thing they always did. Just the two of them. Jeno wasn’t fluent but he knew the song and he understood the gist of it.

Jaemin smiled at him before he leaned his head on Mark’s shoulder for no reason at all. Jeno felt like he knew exactly what Hall and Oates were talking about.

Not long after, once Jeno had lost track of how many drinks he’d had, he found Renjun talking to Donghyuck and Chenle and told him he was going to go sit outside for a while. Renjun definitely knew something was off about that, because it was so damn hot, but Jeno assured him repeatedly that everything was fine, he just needed a little space to clear his head. Jisung and Shotaro were already out in the backyard, down in the grass, and though Jeno did think they were nuts for venturing away from the air conditioning, he wasn’t any better. They waved when they saw him but otherwise left him alone, sitting on the back porch.

He doesn’t know how long he sat out there alone. The whole time he thought about Jaemin, and how he’d clung to Mark all night long. How he’d invaded Mark’s space, how he’d demanded Mark give him attention, how he’d constantly seemed one moment away from jumping him. How he’d bought a fucking guitar for him for his birthday, how he hadn’t gotten the rest of them gifts that grand or expensive for their birthdays. How Mark was the beginning, middle, and end for Jaemin. That had been gnawing at his mind for months. Jisung and Shotaro kept laughing, and he didn’t know what the fuck they had to be so happy about.

Yuta’s sliding door opened eventually, and even without turning to look, Jeno just knew it was Jaemin. The only surprise was that Mark wasn’t with him.

“What are you doing sitting here in the yard?” Jaemin asked with a laugh. “It’s a million fucking degrees out here.”

“Just getting some air,” Jeno said. “That’s all.”

Jaemin came and sat down next to him. Jeno always wanted Jaemin to be near. Except that night. That night, he wanted nothing more than for Jaemin to go away.

“Everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine.” Jeno was short, almost cross. Jaemin raised his eyebrows, but it would take much more than that to truly bother him.

“Okay, sorry. Just checking.”

Jeno didn’t respond. Jaemin looked up at the sky.

“Mark says he wants me to help him with a song he’s writing. I don’t know how much help he thinks I’m gonna be.”

Jesus, he never fucking shut up about Mark. Jeno wondered if he thought he’d die if he went a day without talking about him.

“Cool.”

“I think he just wants to be nice.”

That was Mark, nicest guy alive. Wonderful, wonderful Mark.

“Maybe.”

“He’s been so sweet to me since his birthday. I think he feels like he needs to pay me back for the guitar somehow.”

Jeno could hear how fucking enamored Jaemin was. The warmth in his voice…he didn’t sound like that when he talked about Jeno. He didn’t sound like that when he talked about anyone else. It was just fucking Mark. Mark was the only one who mattered, the only one who would ever matter to Jaemin. Jaemin would hold out hope until the day he died.

He was deluding himself, and everyone was letting him. Mark was straight. Mark was already in love.

Mark did not love Jaemin, no matter how badly Jaemin wanted him to.

“He has a girlfriend, Jaemin.”

Jaemin laughed a little, bemused. “I know.”

“Do you? Because the way you’ve been hanging off of him tonight makes me think you’re desperate to be the other woman.”

Jaemin sobered immediately. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Somewhere, underneath all the anger and bitterness and alcohol, there were alarm bells going off in Jeno’s head, triggered by the stiffening of Jaemin’s spine and the slightly insulted look in his eyes. He should’ve listened to them, should’ve apologized, said he didn’t mean it, he was just being an asshole. Should’ve done anything but what he did do.

“Do I have to fucking spell it out for you? Jesus Christ, you might as well just fucking bend over for him. Have some fucking respect for yourself.”

Jaemin’s jaw dropped and his eyebrows drew close together as he leaned as far away from Jeno as he could manage. “What—what the fuck is your problem? Mark’s my friend. What, I’m not allowed to be around him anymore just ‘cause I have feelings for him?”

“Be around him? Practically jerking him off is just being around him now?”

Jaemin scrambled to his feet. “What the fuck, Jeno? It wasn’t—it wasn’t anything like that, I didn’t do anything that the rest of you wouldn’t have done.”

Jeno got to his feet too. “But none of us did do it, Jaemin. You’re the one who’s been rubbing up on Mark all night long. You’re the one who can’t leave him alone. None of us bought him a fucking guitar, either. Do you think you can spend your way into his pants?”

Jaemin swallowed. “That’s not why I bought it.”

“I don’t know why the fuck you did buy it, then. If he didn’t know about your pathetic crush on him before, he has to by now, he has to after that. He’s probably already told Yeonjung all about it, if she didn’t figure it out herself too.”

They had attracted Jisung and Shotaro’s attention now, and the two of them watched with uneasy eyes as they tried to figure out what was going on.

“I—I didn’t—”

“You didn’t what? You didn’t realize how obvious you were being? Come on, Jaemin, you’re not stupid. That’s the whole point, isn’t it? You’re always trying to get his attention, hoping he might forget about his girlfriend and fuck you instead?”

“Okay,” Shotaro said hastily, suddenly cutting in between the two of them. “Jeno, I think you’ve had a little too much to drink. Come on, why don’t we go back inside?”

The night still might’ve been salvaged if Jeno had just done what Shotaro told him to. He would’ve had some serious apologizing and groveling to do, but Jaemin was always forgiving. They might’ve still been okay if Jeno could’ve just listened to sense. But he was bitter and drunk and so tired of dealing with the knowledge that Jaemin would never look his way while Mark was around. So he pushed Shotaro out of the way without once looking away from Jaemin, who was starting to look like a cornered animal.

“No, Taro, I think Jaemin needs to hear this. How long is it that he’s been pining for Mark? Longer than he really wants to admit, I think, because he knows how embarrassing it is. Don’t you, Nana? You know people would laugh at you if they knew how long you’ve been in love with Mark while he hasn’t given a shit about you. Of course, that’s only if they didn’t pity you. But it is a little funny, isn’t it?”

Jaemin’s lower lip was starting to quiver. Jeno was always proud of how well he knew Jaemin, always felt special whenever he thought about all the secrets he knew about Jaemin that so few other people did. But that was the problem that night. He knew Jaemin too well, and he knew exactly what was going to hurt him. And that’s what he wanted. He wanted Jaemin to hurt like he’d been hurting. Like Jaemin had been hurting him.

“I’m gonna go get Mark,” Jisung said lowly to Shotaro before ducking inside, but Jeno still heard him and he was sure Jaemin did too.

“Oh, good, Jisungie’s gonna go get your knight in shining armor!”

“Jeno,” Shotaro said, trying to sound appeasing. Jeno ignored him.

“He’s always swooping in to save you, isn’t he? Always defending his precious little Jaeminie. Keeps you hanging on, doesn’t it? Gives you hope that maybe one day he’ll look at you differently? Grow up, Jaemin. He’s never gonna fucking love you. And with how needy you get around him, sometimes I don’t even know why he puts up with you.”

These words weren’t Jeno’s; they were Jaemin’s, things Jeno knew Jaemin had thought before, doubts and insecurities that Jaemin had planted and nurtured all by himself. Things Jaemin had talked to Jeno about and things Jeno had surmised on his own, but things Jeno knew. They were wounds Jaemin was desperately trying to ignore in the hope that they might heal, and Jeno was ripping all the stitches. Tears were pooling in Jaemin’s eyes, and Jeno was horribly satisfied.

“Jeno, you need to fucking leave,” Shotaro said, wrapping an arm around Jaemin. Jeno had never heard him sound quite like that before. He didn’t realize it at the time, but much later he came to the conclusion that Shotaro wasn’t mad at him. He was warning him. But it was too late. Jisung was back, with Mark.

“Hey, what the fuck is—Jaeminie?”

Mark’s agitation evaporated as soon as he saw Jaemin. Jaemin looked at Mark with his teary eyes and reddening nose and Jeno knew Jaemin so well. Jaemin was teetering on the edge, and now Mark was here. Jeno already knew what was going to happen.

“Jaeminie, sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

Jaemin began to sob.

“Jeno, what the hell did you do?” Mark hissed as Shotaro pulled Jaemin into a complete hug and let him cry on his shoulder. Jeno looked past Mark like he wasn’t even there.

“That’s right, Nana, let Mark fight your battles for you! You just go ahead and cry about it, he’ll feel sorry for you! God forbid you deal with your problems like an adult!”

“Leave him the fuck alone, Jeno, you’ve clearly done enough.”

“Fuck off, Mark, this is between me and Jaemin.”

The others were starting to come outside then, first Donghyuck, then Chenle. The only one that was missing was Renjun.

“Jeno, look at what you’ve done to him! You need to go fucking cool down somewhere before you make this worse!”

“Right, because Jaemin’s so innocent, he couldn’t have possibly done anything wrong!”

He hadn’t, at least not since he came outside, and Jeno knew it, but he didn’t care. He was just as upset with Mark as he was with Jaemin, just for different reasons. Mark had everything Jeno wanted, and he didn’t even know it. He had Jaemin’s love, and he didn’t even have the decency to love him back.

“He’s not yelling at you, Jeno!”

“No, he’s bawling his eyes out like the fucking crybaby he is! Anything to get a little fucking sympathy! Because he knows you’ll protect him, Mark, you’ll come rushing to his aid and he won’t have to do a fucking thing for himself! Are you happy, Nana? Mark’s here, only worried about you, just like you always want!”

Jeno wasn’t even sure what he was saying anymore. Words were pouring out of his mouth with no filter, anything he could say to cause pain. True, not true, it didn’t matter, as long as it was sharp enough to make Jaemin bleed.

But the worst was still coming.

“Jeno—” Mark began.

“Should I tell him the truth, Nana?”

That was enough to get Jaemin looking at him again. Jeno will never forget the way he looked at him. Jaemin had never looked at him like that before. Jeno doesn’t know if anyone has ever looked at him like that, before or since. The fear, the betrayal.

“Jeno, please—” he said.

“Should we see if he doesn’t already know?”

“Shut the fuck up, Jeno.” Jeno was surprised to hear Jisung speak. He’d almost forgotten anyone other than him, Jaemin, and Mark was there. But it didn’t matter. Jeno was like a runaway train. Nothing would’ve stopped him.

“Should I, Jaemin? Should I tell him you’re in love with him? Or all the dirty little fantasies you’ve had about him? Do you think he’ll still come to your rescue then? Do you think he’ll ever even want to be around you again—?”

In the span of just one second, Jaemin broke free from Shotaro’s embrace with a strangled cry and took off, and Mark’s fist connected with Jeno’s nose. Jeno never even saw it coming.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Jeno?” Mark spat, before turning on his heel and running in the direction Jaemin (and Shotaro after him) had just gone, yelling Jaemin’s name.

“Jeno, oh my God,” Jisung said, his voice choked with anger and disbelief. And the icing on the cake: Renjun finally came outside.

“Why the hell is everyone yelling?” he asked, looking around. His eyes landed on Jeno. “Oh my God, baby, what happened to your nose?”

Jeno brought a hand up to his face and his fingers came away red.

“Where are the others?” Renjun rushed forward and gently took Jeno’s face in his hands. “Let me look—”

“Not fucking now, Renjun.” Jeno pushed him away.

“Jeno?” Renjun sounded hurt. Jeno headed for the door.

“Where the fuck are you going, dude?” Chenle asked. Jeno ignored him as he went inside, and ignored Doyoung and Taeyong and Yuta and Jihyo and Sana and Nayeon as they all shouted from the living room, asking what was going on. He knew the other boys were following him, and Renjun caught his arm before he could get out the front door.

“Jeno, baby, talk to me,” he said. “What happened?”

Jeno pulled his arm away. “Do you always have to stick your nose in my fucking business? I’m going home.”

He walked out the door and Renjun did not follow him. Jeno took his car keys out of his pocket and put them in the front seat. He would walk. It was the only good decision he made that night.

Later that same night, Jeno took off for home home, their hometown. And he never went back. Those bridges were already burned.

Donghyuck, of all people, made that clear.

Jeno dreams Jaemin is waiting in the hotel room for him. Donghyuck, he says, is rooming with Mark tonight. Jeno and Jaemin will be alone all night.

Jaemin’s gaze is colder than it normally is. Jeno feels tiny underneath it. He looks at Jeno like he’s somehow both disappointed and harshly amused. It freaks Jeno out a little bit.

“You still love me, Jeno,” he says with no build-up. “After everything you did, you still love me. Still want me so damn bad, don’t you? So bad it’s all you can think about sometimes, isn’t it?” He comes very close. “Answer me, Jeno.”

“Yes.” Jeno’s voice shakes a little. Jaemin smiles. It reminds Jeno of Donghyuck’s smug grin.

“I know. You love me so much you forget about everyone else. And you think I have a problem.”

Jaemin lifts a hand to cup Jeno’s face, the way he did with Mark in the hallway. “Poor Jeno. Always second best. But second best is better than nothing, don’t you think? Second best gets the prize if the first doesn’t come to claim it.”

Without warning, Jaemin pushes him backwards, onto one of the beds. He crawls on top of him and straddles his waist.

“Come stake your claim.”

Jaemin leans down to capture Jeno’s lips, and Jeno gives into him, as if he had any other choice. He lets Jaemin have everything. He lets Jaemin have it all.

He startles awake to the sound of someone pounding on the hotel room door.

“You better be fucking moving, we have a flight to catch.”

Doyoung. Worse than any alarm clock. Jeno groans and stretches, and his arm grazes bare flesh.

There is someone else in this bed with him.

“Jaemin?” Jeno asks, dazed, barely awake. He tries to remember last night, was Jaemin really waiting for him last night, did all of that actually happen—

“Oh, that’s flattering.”

Oh, no.

Donghyuck’s head pops out from under the covers. Jeno is suddenly extremely aware that he is not wearing pants. Or anything else.

“Is your pillowtalk always this good?” Donghyuck asks, and Jeno tries not to cringe. It all comes back to him in a rush.

It’s going to be a long flight back to the States.

Chapter Text

Jeno’s head pounds all morning. It doesn’t seem fair, because he wasn’t even drunk last night. He’s not sure if he’d feel better if he had been. The general chaos of getting to the airport is distracting, but flashes of the previous night keep popping into his mind against his will.

To make matters even worse, Chenle’s out to get him. Again. Jeno probably should’ve been expecting that. And Chenle has the worst timing, because he seems to want to start something right in the middle of the airport.

“What the fuck did you say to Jaemin last night?” he hisses into Jeno’s ear as they’re navigating through the crowds. Jeno was hanging a little bit back, hoping to just kind of avoid everyone until the actual flight, but of course he’s not that lucky.

“Nothing,” Jeno replies.

“That’s a fucking lie. He’s barely spoken to anyone all morning.”

“Maybe he’s just tired.”

“Oh, yeah, that must be it. I’m sure whatever happened last night has nothing to do with it.”

Jeno doesn’t need this right now. “Aren’t we supposed to be leaving each other alone?”

“We don’t have a concert for like three weeks. Doyoung doesn’t give a shit if we fight over break.”

Jeno sighs. “I don’t wanna fight.”

He really doesn’t. He doesn’t have the energy for it.

“Okay, you two,” a member of the security team—the really tall one, Johnny—says, putting a hand on each of their backs. “I’m gonna be in, like, serious trouble if you guys get carried away by fans.”

Jeno hadn’t noticed how much they’ve been lagging behind. Chenle stares at him for a moment, like he did the night before, and then he hurries to join the other boys without saying anything else. Jeno’s grateful for that. Johnny stays with Jeno, and he doesn’t seem to mind that Jeno’s not feeling very talkative. They’re in a rush anyway.

(“Share with the class, Jeno,” Donghyuck said, the only one of them who had seemed to be in a good mood yesterday. “Everyone knows you were alone with Jaemin before we left.”)

Shotaro takes the seat next to him on the plane. “Donghyuck says you’re afraid of him,” he says when Jeno raises his eyebrows in surprise. Jeno’s not fond of the way Shotaro’s looking at him. He feels like he might know something he’s not saying. Or maybe Jeno’s just being paranoid. He really can’t tell.

“I’m not afraid of him.”

Shotaro shrugs and doesn’t say anything else, and Jeno’s not exactly disappointed Donghyuck’s not sitting next to him. He won’t have to try to figure out what to say to him—won’t have to endure any sort of teasing either—and even if Shotaro knows or suspects something, he won’t pry. Jeno’s actually able to get a little sleep, and he doesn’t dream about anything.

It feels like it takes years, but finally, finally they’re back in the corner of Wisconsin the Neos call home, and even though all Jeno really wants to do is find the nearest soft surface and sleep for as long as he can, he also feels like he might scream if he doesn’t talk about what happened with someone who at least tries not to judge him.

To Doyoung’s credit, he takes Jeno telling him he slept with Donghyuck very well. All he says is, “You know, if I went to Ten and Yangyang right now to make a bet about which members, current or former, of this nightmare band I’m managing would be the first to sleep together, you and Donghyuck would not have been at the top of my list.”

Jeno frowns. “Who are Ten and Yangyang?”

Doyoung shakes his head. “Never mind. Do you wanna talk about it?”

“You want details?”

Doyoung rolls his eyes. “I was thinking more along the lines of why you did it, but fine, make it weird.”

That’s half the problem: Jeno doesn’t know why he slept with Donghyuck. He doesn’t know why Donghyuck slept with him. Jeno certainly hadn’t gone to the hotel room with that in mind. He hadn’t gone to the hotel room with much in mind besides wallowing in guilt and trying to sleep.

But Donghyuck wasn’t just going to leave him alone. Donghyuck always knows when something’s wrong, and he’s never seemed very interested in providing comfort, at least as far as Jeno is concerned.

Chenle and Jaemin were just the opening acts. He should’ve known that Donghyuck would want to be the best saved for last.

“I don’t know. It just…happened.”

“Just happened?” Doyoung looks at him doubtfully. “Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have much of a sex life to speak of right now, but I’m not quite sure how something like this ‘just happens’.”

Jeno groans. “Neither am I.”

“Maybe start at the beginning.”

The beginning…the beginning was Jaemin. What happened in the hallway after the show, that was the beginning. That’s what had Jeno upset. Donghyuck knew Jeno was upset, and didn’t waste any time trying to get answers after they’d both showered. Jeno could only deflect for so long, because Donghyuck wasn’t going to accept that Jeno didn’t want to talk about it.

(“Jaemin doesn’t love me,” Jeno finally said, foolishly hoping it would get Donghyuck to leave him alone.

Donghyuck snorted. “Duh. Did you really not know?”

“No, I mean he told me.”

That got Donghyuck’s interest. “He said he didn’t love you?”

Jeno nodded.

“Wow. I wasn’t sure if he’d have it in him to twist the knife like that.” Donghyuck paused before smiling slightly. “Cool.”

“You were hoping he would?” Jeno wasn’t necessarily angered or hurt by that, but he wasn’t surprised by it, either.

Donghyuck shrugged. “Why not? It’s only the truth.”

Only the truth. Jeno couldn’t even argue.

“I know.”

“Rough day for you, huh? I’m sure Chenle didn’t hold back either.”

“Do you always have to try to get under my skin like this?”

Donghyuck smirked, but there was a hard edge to it. “Why the fuck shouldn’t I? You’ve been stuck under everyone else’s since you left.”)

“It was mostly like any other night,” Jeno says now to Doyoung. “He…was trying to aggravate me.”

“And succeeding.” Doyoung looks like he’s daring Jeno to contradict him. On another day, Jeno might have. “Please tell me you didn’t sleep with him just to shut him up.”

“No.”

Well, actually…maybe? Though sleeping with Donghyuck definitely did not shut him up. And that’s something Jeno never really thought he’d find out firsthand.

(“You’re mad at me too,” Jeno said. “You’re trying to act like you’re not, but you are.”

“Am I?” Donghyuck asked. “Well, look who’s talking about pretending not to be mad.”

Jeno clenched his jaw. “I’m not pretending. I’m not mad.”

“That’s such fucking bullshit. I thought maybe at some point you would start being honest. Maybe I was expecting too much.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do. You’ve been mad as hell since you left, you’re probably even madder now. You’re mad at Chenle because he’s not gonna let you off easy. You’re mad at Doyoung for wanting you to come back to face us. You’re mad at Renjun for not filling a void you never gave him the chance to fill.” Donghyuck leaned closer, and though there was still the entire gap between the beds between them, Jeno felt like he was right in his face. “You’re mad at me because I’m still here in your place. You’re mad at Mark for being Jaemin’s entire world. But most of all, you’re mad at Jaemin for not loving you back.”)

“Keep talking,” Doyoung says. Jeno’s not sure what else to say, how to continue. He doesn’t really want to tell Doyoung everything that was said last night.

“I don’t know.” Jeno pushes some of his hair away from his face in agitation. “We were pissed at each other.”

Donghyuck actually got mad. Mad like he used to get, when they were younger and always fighting. Jeno thinks that’s what he wanted, for Donghyuck to show any sort of emotion besides smugness for longer than a couple seconds.

(“Well, what about you?” Jeno asked, just to get that look of satisfaction off of Donghyuck’s face. Donghyuck raised an eyebrow.

“What about me?”

“Are you mad Mark doesn’t love you back?”

That got what Jeno wanted. Donghyuck stilled, and his expression evened out. Jeno couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but it was a moment before he said, “That’s disappointing.”

“You’re allowed to harass me about Jaemin, but I can’t bring up Mark?” Jeno smirked like Donghyuck always did, just to be petty. “Did you think I didn’t know? Or that I’d forgotten? You’re almost as bad as Jaemin is. You always have been. Is that why you don’t care about whatever’s going on between Mark and Jaemin? You’re hoping they’ll drift far enough away from each other that you can slide in in Jaemin’s place?”

Donghyuck smiled, but his eyes were cold and he looked a little like he was tasting something sour. “If they can survive you telling Mark Jaemin was in love with him in front of almost the entire band, they can survive anything. There’s nothing I can do to them.”)

“Shocking,” Doyoung says flatly. “Still horny, though, I guess.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Jeno insists.

“Wasn’t like what?”

“We didn’t fuck because we were horny.”

“Oh, right, my mistake. You fucked because you were feeling pure and chaste.”

Jeno glares at him. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

“My little brother just slept with the person who was once his sworn enemy. If I don’t enjoy this, I’m gonna have to worry about the potential ramifications for the band instead, and I am on break.”

Jeno’s pretty sure he’s never called Donghyuck his “sworn enemy”. Those are Doyoung’s words.

“I hate you.”

“I’m used to it. Carry on.”

(Jeno didn’t want to give Donghyuck the satisfaction of seeing his guilt. That was the first anyone had explicitly said what Jeno did that night since Jeno had been back. Of course it was Donghyuck who did.

“Is that why you won’t leave me alone, then?” Jeno asked. “Misery loves company? You can’t have Mark and I can’t have Jaemin?”

Donghyuck crossed his arms. “You don’t fucking understand anything, do you?”

“I think I’m beginning to. You and I are the same. Both in love with someone who doesn’t love us. Only difference is I’ll admit it.”

Genuine anger flared in Donghyuck’s eyes. “I am nothing fucking like you.”

“You’re not? The first time we saw each other again you said the other boys were all mad at you, just like they were mad at me. And I could tell. That hasn’t really been resolved, has it? What did you do?”

“It’s none of your business. And I haven’t fucking walked out like you did, so don’t tell me we’re the same.”

“But am I right? You’ve been making me miserable because you’re miserable?”

“You spent three years in this band practically ignoring me. Don’t try to act like you know me now.”)

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Jeno says, a little frustrated, less with Doyoung and more with himself for not having an explanation. “We were mad. And then…”

That’s all Jeno really knows.

“And then all of your clothes accidentally fell off?” Doyoung asks. Maybe Jeno shouldn’t have said anything.

“You’re not helping.”

“I’m supposed to be helping?”

In Doyoung’s defense, Jeno’s not sure what he could actually do to help. He can’t turn back time and make Jeno make better choices. If he could, Jeno never would’ve even had to quit the band, and then he probably wouldn’t be in this situation right now.

“It would be nice,” Jeno says weakly.

“I can’t help if I still don’t really know what happened,” Doyoung says. “Was this like hate sex, or…?”

An excellent question. Jeno’s not sure if he knows.

(“You really don’t like me, do you?” Jeno asked. “No matter what you’ve said, you hate me just like the others.”

Donghyuck sneered. “You know what, Jeno? If the boys really hated you as much as you think they do, don’t you think the whole world would know about it by now?”

That wasn’t what Jeno had been expecting him to say. The whole world didn’t know. The boys had always only had good things to say about Jeno publicly.

Jeno never knew why.

“Didn’t think of that?” Donghyuck asked. “Why am I not surprised? That’s why it took you seven fucking years to come back and face us, right? Because we all hated you? Because none of us wanted to see you anyway? You say shit like that for long enough and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, Jeno. So maybe you should consider yourself lucky, because after all this time, I wouldn’t blame them if they did all hate you.”

The anger Jeno was feeling was dangerously close to exploding into rage. “You were the one who told me not to come back.”

Donghyuck rose to his feet unexpectedly. “And when the fuck did you ever listen to me? That was probably the first time. And you said yourself you wouldn’t have come back even if I hadn’t said it. But it’s easier to blame me, like you still blame Jaemin for not realizing you were in love with him and giving up on Mark to love you instead.”

Jeno stood up as well. “I don’t blame Jaemin for that. That’s not his fault.”

“You can say it, but do you mean it? Or are you still hoping one day Jaemin’s gonna come begging on his knees for forgiveness for not realizing sooner that you two are meant to be? For spending all this time hung up on Mark when Mark could never love him the way you could? For not leaving the whole band behind with you when you decided you were done?”

“I never fucking expected him to do that. You don’t know me either.”

“You would’ve liked it, though. You would’ve liked Jaemin to forget about the rest of us and come running to your side even after you did your best to push him away.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t have liked that? Having Mark all to yourself? That’s why you were such a fucking dick to Jaemin when we were younger, isn’t it? Because you knew Mark liked him better than you?”

Donghyuck cursed, and before Jeno was even aware of what was happening, Donghyuck’s lips were on his in a kiss that was hot and messy and undeniably dirty. It felt like a competition. The whole thing felt like a competition. As their hands roamed and clothing came off, it felt like all Jeno could think about was not letting Donghyuck get the best of him, and it seemed like Donghyuck was thinking the same about him. There was no tenderness. It was like the fight never really stopped. When Jeno finished first, he could see a hint of triumph in Donghyuck’s eyes, but they slammed shut a moment later with the twist of Jeno’s hand, and Jeno took that as his own victory.)

“Maybe,” Jeno says, uncertain. He doesn’t even know which one of them moved first. It would be very easy to say it was Donghyuck, but even if it was, he still can’t explain it, and he can’t explain himself. He doesn’t know what either one of them was doing. Maybe it really was just to get each other to shut up. Which didn’t even work. Donghyuck was loud, and he never really stopped talking. It’s just that the things he said were different. Jeno can still hear the way Donghyuck cried out his name.

“Then I don’t really know how to make you feel better about that,” Doyoung says, and at least his voice is gentle. And he’s not saying anything Jeno didn’t already expect. There’s nothing Doyoung can do for him.

“I know.”

“Jeno…” Doyoung hesitates. Jeno raises his eyebrows, and Doyoung sighs. “What happened last night with you and Donghyuck…would that have anything to do with whatever Chenle interrupted between you and Jaemin before we left the venue?”

Chenle and his big fucking mouth. Donghyuck wasn’t wrong when he said everyone knew Jeno was alone with Jaemin before they left.

There’s no point in lying.

“Yeah.”

Maybe that was what it was all about. Jeno loving Jaemin and Donghyuck loving Mark and both of them suffering because of it. Maybe it was some twisted kind of comfort, the only kind of comfort either one of them was willing to give to the other.

“What happened?”

Jeno takes a deep breath. “I overstepped, and…Jaemin told me he didn’t love me. But I…I knew that already.”

Doyoung nods slowly. “Ah. He definitely seemed…off earlier.”

Jeno wouldn’t know. He hasn’t spoken at all to Jaemin since last night.

“But he hasn’t been himself a lot lately,” Doyoung continues, and that, Jeno would agree with. That’s why Jeno said something to him last night in the first place. “It’s been a tough couple months.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay?”

Jeno’s not sure if Doyoung asking in regards to what happened with Jaemin, or him sleeping with Donghyuck, or just in general. He supposes it doesn’t matter. His answer is about the same for all of those options.

“I’m alright. As good as I usually am.”

“That’s what I’m worried about.”

That’s probably fair.

“I’ll be fine. Just…need to get some sleep.”

Doyoung smirks. “Yeah, I guess you had a late night last night.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

Jeno leaves Doyoung laughing and heads upstairs with his suitcase to the bedroom he used before tour. It still feels somewhat unfamiliar to him. But it’s home for now.

He collapses onto the bed and looks up at the ceiling. No matter how hard he tries to block it out, yesterday keeps coming back to him—not just his night with Donghyuck, but the talks he had with Chenle and Jaemin, too. Honestly, the fight he had with Donghyuck sticks out to him more than the actual sex. As much as he hates to admit it…all three of them made points. Jeno has been blinded by Jaemin. Jeno’s been blinded by Jaemin for a long time. Even back when he was in the band, he was blinded by Jaemin. And blind to Jaemin at the same time.

Jaemin was never trying to hurt him. He really just didn’t know. Jeno had suspected it—basically believed it, even—for a long time almost ever since he left, when suddenly he wasn’t sure anymore. In the aftermath of what he had done, he started to wonder if he was right or wrong, started to doubt what he’d been so certain of. The more time passed, the more he started to think he had gotten it wrong. He had had only a few lingering doubts, a bitter little voice in the back of his head saying that it was just guilt causing him to feel that way, but Jaemin’s apology on his front porch before the tour gave him a better idea, and the way Jaemin reacted to him saying he thought Jaemin knew he was in love with him has answered the question definitively for him. Jaemin couldn’t have faked that. He didn’t know back then, and he didn’t know that Jeno thought he knew, either. He must’ve found out when Donghyuck told everyone.

Jeno constantly made excuses for Jaemin that he didn’t even need to be making. Jaemin was never playing games with him. Jaemin was just a boy in love.

Jeno’s spent years with only Jaemin in his sights, even when Jaemin wasn’t around. But Jaemin was right. He’s going to have to find a way to let that go.

It’s almost three-thirty in the morning and Jaemin can’t sleep. He’s almost as bad as Mark these days. Worse, actually, because as far as Jaemin knows, Mark’s actually asleep right now. But Jaemin slept on the plane because he barely slept in the hotel room. He has about three weeks to fix that.

The glow of his laptop screen is the only illumination in the room. He hunted down a very old flash drive when he got home, one filled to the brim of pictures that predate the Neos. Plenty with Jeno. Jaemin hasn’t looked at any of these in a long time. It’s still hard to look at them now. He doesn’t really know what he’s doing, why he’s been scouring these pictures for hours now, like he’ll find some answer to a question he’s been asking his whole life in them.

Years and years ago, Jaemin met a boy from Canada who played guitar and listened to old rock bands, and he was smart and cute and funny and he made Jaemin happy whenever he was around. He doesn’t know when that childish infatuation blossomed into something much more grownup and real. He’s tried to stop loving Mark. He’s tried to chase those feelings away, burn them up, cut them out at the roots, and every time, they just come back stronger. He’s long since accepted that they’re never going away.

There are so many pictures of just Jaemin and Jeno on his computer. But there are probably just as many of just Jaemin and Mark.

Jaemin never meant to hurt anyone but himself.

Jaemin hears some shuffling around outside of his room; Mark must be awake. It’s another few moments before he hears him knock something over in the bathroom—Mark always knocks something over somewhere when he gets up in the middle of the night—and then a few additional moments before Jaemin sees the hallway light come on through the crack under his door. Mark knocks softly.

“Come in,” Jaemin says. Light pours into his room as the door opens, and Jaemin can only make out Mark’s silhouette as he leans against the doorframe.

“How I hate to see you like this,” Mark says, unprompted. “There is no way you can deny it.”

Jaemin raises an eyebrow. “You’re really gonna do this?”

“I don’t think that’s what comes next, Jaeminie.”

Jaemin can’t fight a small, fond smile. “I can see that you’re oh so sad, so quiet. ‘Chiquitita’. ABBA. You listen to ABBA?”

Jaemin knows damn well that he does. But Mark can be such a rock elitist sometimes that Jaemin feels like it’s his duty to remind him that he still jams to Swedish pop like everyone else.

“The dude I live with has every single one of their albums on vinyl. And who doesn’t like ‘Dancing Queen’?” Mark pauses. “You’re gonna wreck your eyes staring at your computer in the dark.”

“You sound just like my dad. Except he says it in Korean.”

“I can do that if you want me to.”

Jaemin shakes his head and closes his laptop. “You’re supposed to be sleeping.”

“So are you. And I was. Bathroom. And I haven’t eaten anything since before the flight.”

“You’re hungry? I can make you something.”

“I can make something myself, Jaeminie.”

“No, I meant, like…food.”

Even though Jaemin can’t really make out his face, he can imagine how offended Mark looks. “I came here to make sure you were okay,” he says, “and you’re gonna bully me?”

Jaemin chuckles. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

“Jaemin.” Mark’s voice is soft, but firm. “We know each other pretty well, don’t you think?”

It’s a rhetorical question. Jaemin almost wants to get upset, because Mark clearly has had some sort of issue for a while now and he hasn’t told Jaemin anything about it, but he’s not really upset with Mark, and this is different, anyway. Mark already knows what Jaemin’s issue is, to an extent. And he won’t push if Jaemin says he doesn’t want to talk about it.

Jaemin didn’t want to be mean to Jeno or hurt his feelings last night. But Jeno’s been hurting himself as much as he’s been hurting the other boys. Jaemin couldn’t just let him continue to do that.

“I’m okay, Mark.”

In another situation with another person, maybe Jaemin would say more. But matters like this are hard to talk about with Mark. They haven’t talked about what Jeno said the night of the third anniversary party in years. It complicates things too much. Jaemin’s sure that Mark doesn’t want to hear about Jaemin’s feelings any more than Jaemin wants to talk about them. But Jaemin has to admit that if anything good came out of what happened that night, it’s that he doesn’t have to worry about Mark finding out that he’s in love with him. Mark already knows.

It does make talking about Jeno at all with Mark a little uncomfortable, though. That’s a hell of an elephant in the room.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I know what you’re thinking, but…nothing really happened last night. I just asked him to go easy on you guys.”

“I should’ve waited for you.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes. “Mark, I’m not afraid of Jeno. Besides, I think out of all of us, I’m the one he’s least likely to pick a fight with.”

Jeno already did that years ago, after all.

“Yeah, you’re probably right. But, uh…I’m not sure that I really buy that you’re completely fine.”

Ironic.

“Mark…”

Mark holds his hands up. “You don’t have to talk about it. But you know where I live if you want to.”

“Yeah, I know. Now, you’re hungry?”

Mark groans. “Jaemin, seriously, I can find something to eat on my own.”

Jaemin knows that. But he doesn’t see himself getting to sleep anytime soon, and he’s a little hungry too.

“Come on. I’ll make eggs.”

Mark whines all the way downstairs, but he’ll get over it as soon as he’s eating Jaemin’s cooking. And Jaemin’s going to make him help, anyway. That’s how most of the meals get made around here. Jaemin does the big stuff, and Mark does whatever’s not likely to end up burning the house down. It’s a nice system. There are a lot of different areas in their lives where Jaemin thinks he and Mark work well together, but maybe that’s just his lovesick heart talking.

Mark is in a good mood tonight. Jaemin can tell he’s still tired, but Mark could probably say the same about him. But otherwise Mark seems fine. Jaemin can’t seem to figure him out.

Jeno’s worried that Mark’s hurting him, and to be fair to Jeno, Jaemin can see how it might seem that way. The real problem is Jaemin. Jaemin has never figured out how to just fucking be normal around Mark. He’s clingier and more overbearing than just a friend is, and Mark’s too nice to say anything about it. And it’s so hard for Jaemin to know now if he needs to back off, because they’ve been in this situation before but with the roles reversed, and their whole friendship might have collapsed if Mark hadn’t held on as tightly as he did. Jaemin doesn’t know if Mark needs the same from him now, or if his efforts to help are part of the problem. Jaemin is too much and not enough at the same time.

The things Jeno said to him the night he left still sneak into his head every once in a while. Keep him awake on nights like tonight. He tells himself he can’t take anything Jeno said to heart because Jeno was just trying to hurt him, but…

That doesn’t mean he was wrong. Jaemin never noticed Jeno was in love with him because he was too wrapped up in his own feelings for Mark. If Jaemin had paid more attention then maybe none of this would’ve happened.

If Jaemin had never even been around then maybe the other boys would be happy.

Mark smiles at him as he stands at the stove, like something’s funny. Jaemin tries to focus on what he’s doing. There’s a reason Mark does more solo songwriting than Jaemin ever does. Left alone with his thoughts for too long and Jaemin starts climbing up the walls.

He’ll feel better once he gets some decent sleep.

That’s what he tells himself, at least.

After Jeno left, Jaemin hid. It was an impossible task, living with Mark and with the recording of the fourth album well underway, and he generally wasn’t very successful, but he tried anyway. It was the only thing he could think to do. Sometimes he could hardly stand to look at Mark. It wasn’t Mark’s fault. He didn’t do anything wrong. It was Jaemin. Jaemin didn’t know how to be around him anymore now that he knew. He second-guessed every little thing he did, every single word he said. He didn’t want to overwhelm Mark, didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, didn’t want to scare him off completely. Mark had never asked for Jaemin to be in love with him. Mark didn’t want Jaemin to be in love with him.

But Jaemin couldn’t just turn it off. So he kept his distance. Tried to keep his distance. It was for the best, he thought. It was what needed to be done.

It was the most miserable experience of his life. Well, most miserable after Jeno leaving. But they went hand-in-hand.

If Jaemin had had his way, his relationship with Mark probably would’ve never recovered. They would’ve still been friends, would’ve still been able to work together without issue, but the closeness they’d enjoyed previously would’ve been gone for good. Jaemin lost Jeno, and he would’ve lost Mark too. And on some level Jaemin knew that, even back then. On some level Jaemin figured that was what Mark wanted.

Mark stood by him, matched his pace as he tried to run away. Jaemin wonders if he realizes that that only made Jaemin love him more.

But nowadays Jaemin’s starting to think that maybe he’s finally overstayed his welcome. Maybe Mark’s reached his limit, has had all of Jaemin that he can take, and he just doesn’t know how to say that.

Jaemin doesn’t know if he’s selfless enough to say it for him.

Shotaro gives Donghyuck a day. He thinks it’s generous, because Jisung has been over at his house and blowing up his phone and not giving him a moment’s rest, and if Shotaro doesn’t get him some answers he thinks Jisung might have a heart attack. He knows Donghyuck thinks he’s really slick, but Shotaro and Jisung were in the room right next to him and Jeno. And Donghyuck can’t fool Shotaro as easily as he can fool some of the others. Shotaro lived with Donghyuck for years, and he remembers a lot of things Donghyuck might like to think everyone’s forgotten.

(“It’s your face,” Donghyuck once told him while a little tipsy. “You look so innocent. Makes me tell you way too much shit I shouldn’t be telling you.”)

Shotaro lets himself in. He doesn’t usually like to use his key unless it’s absolutely necessary, but today’s a special case. He hears the TV in the living room, and he heads in that direction from the front hall. Donghyuck’s all wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, staring at Shotaro as soon as he enters the room in a way that’s a bit unnerving.

“I fucking knew it was you,” he says. He probably did. Shotaro shrugs and takes a seat next to him.

“Alright,” he says, not seeing a reason to waste any time. “Spill.”

Chapter Text

Jeno’s not sure exactly how long he’s been standing here in front of the door, but he knows it’s too long. He’s been going over everything he wants to say, repeating it all endlessly, but he’s not confident he’ll remember any of it as soon as he knocks. He’s nervous to knock for a number of other reasons, too. He feels like he might need to start remembering the breathing exercises Jisung always used to have to do.

He shakes his head and knocks, and almost runs right off the porch. The guarantee of looking like a middle schooler playing a prank is the only thing that keeps him where he is. He waits for a while, but he doesn’t have the guts to knock again or try the doorbell. He’ll wait a little longer, and if no one comes to the door, he’ll leave. If that makes him a coward, so be it.

The door opens just as he’s lifting one foot to turn. To Jeno’s relief, Renjun doesn’t look unhappy to see him. He seems more surprised than anything.

“Oh,” he says, which is better than a lot of greetings Jeno could’ve gotten.

“Uh, hi. Do you…have a minute?”

Renjun looks out behind him, towards the street. He seems uncertain.

“Is this a bad time?” Jeno asks. “Because I can come back later, or another day or something.”

Jeno does not want to have to get the courage up to do this again, but he has to be accommodating to Renjun. Otherwise it kind of defeats the whole purpose of being here.

Renjun frowns. “Um. It’s not a great time…”

“Oh, okay. Sorry. I’ll just—”

“Too late.”

Jeno doesn’t have time to be confused as he hears a car slowing down behind him. He turns to see it pulling into Renjun’s driveway. It’s not any of the boys behind the wheel. It’s not anyone Jeno knows at all.

That explains why Renjun was only surprised to see him, instead of any other emotion. He was expecting someone else. Jeno’s grateful that whoever this is didn’t show up while he was just staring at Renjun’s front door.

“Maybe I should go,” Jeno says as the driver gets out of the car. He makes eye contact with Jeno as he stands by the hood.

“Is this the guy?” the driver calls in English, and though he doesn’t look away from Jeno, Jeno knows he’s not talking to him. Jeno feels like he’s being evaluated. Renjun sighs.

“Yangyang, this is Jeno.” Renjun’s also speaking in English. “Jeno, this is Yangyang. He’s a…friend.”

Jeno recognizes the name—Doyoung said it the other day. He’s not sure why he just assumed that, whoever Yangyang was, he was more Doyoung’s friend than any of the boys’. He doubts Doyoung knows anyone the boys don’t—not friend-wise, anyway.

“What’s up?” Yangyang says with a smile that makes Jeno uneasy. He’s not sure what he should say.

“Yangyang, can you give us a little time?” Renjun asks.

“I just got here and you already want me to leave?”

“I didn’t say you had to leave. Just…go inside for a while?”

Yangyang looks between Jeno and Renjun before he says, “Sure.” He crosses the driveway and climbs the steps of the front porch while watching them both, and Jeno knows he knows who Jeno is, beyond him being an ex-Neo and Doyoung’s younger brother. Yangyang doesn’t say anything else, though, before he goes inside.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Jeno says once the door is shut, and he speaks in Korean. Though his English has definitely improved, he still speaks Korean with the boys most of the time, unless he’s joining a conversation that’s already started. “I could’ve come back another time.”

“No, let’s just…get this over with.” Renjun sounds resigned, and Jeno supposes that he can’t blame him. If Jeno was in Renjun’s shoes, he wouldn’t really be thrilled to have Jeno show up at his house either. The first time was probably more than enough.

Jeno has a lot to make up for.

“I wanted to apologize.”

Renjun seems to stiffen a little, but his expression is hard to read. “For?”

“Pretty much everything.”

Renjun crosses his arms and leans back against his front door. “I’m listening.”

Jeno hasn’t left Doyoung’s house in three days. This is the first he’s ventured outside since they all got back to Wisconsin. He’s spent a lot of time just thinking, thinking about things he probably should’ve thought about a long time ago. He called Yeeun and told her everything. She doesn’t hate him now or think he’s a terrible person, like he’d been worried she would, but she did join ranks with Chenle and Jaemin and Donghyuck and make a lot of very good points.

Jeno’s been so worried about Jaemin and what he did to him that he’s forgotten about everyone else. None more so than Renjun, the boy who never did anything to him but love him.

“I haven’t been fair to you,” Jeno says. “I…was never fair to you. I took advantage of your feelings for me without ever really thinking about how it might affect you, and I’ve still been disregarding you ever since I came back. I’m sorry. You deserve better than that.”

Renjun waits a moment before he says, “Did Chenle put you up to this?”

Well, at least he knows Chenle has his back.

“No. Chenle never told me to do anything. But he does care about you, and he made me realize some things. I should’ve been saying this a long time ago.”

“Yeah, you should’ve.” Renjun doesn’t sound upset. Just tired. “Better late than never, I guess.”

“I’m sorry.”

Renjun nods, looking past Jeno. “You know, um…what you did to me…that sucked. Really sucked. But you leaving the way you did…that hurt too. And not just me. And I don’t know if you really realize that.”

His voice is quiet, almost gentle. He’s trying to avoid a big conflict. Jeno still knows him well enough to know that.

“I understand that you thought we didn’t want you to come back,” Renjun continues, “but we never told you that. I didn’t, at least. And I just think you need to know that.”

Jeno wants to immediately state that he does know that, but he waits a moment and really thinks about it. Jeno has been acting on the automatic assumption that he’d hurt the boys too badly to come back to them ever since he left. And maybe that just sounded better than he was too scared to come back to them.

It’s always been easier to blame the boys and assume the only thing any of them felt towards him was anger. He’s let Donghyuck speak for the entire band all these years.

“Yeah. I’m…starting to figure that out.”

“Better late than never,” Renjun repeats with a very small, wry smile.

“For what it’s worth, Renjun…I did love you. Just…not the way I should have. And that doesn’t excuse what I did.”

Renjun shakes his head. “No. But I guess it’s nice to know.”

Jeno doesn’t know if he means it or not—doesn’t know if he even believes it—but Jeno needed to tell him. He does care about Renjun, but he’s always expected too much from him. Renjun’s love was never going to be the solution to all of Jeno’s problems, especially when Jeno couldn’t love him back to the same degree. And that wasn’t Renjun’s responsibility regardless.

“Thank you for apologizing,” Renjun says.

“I’m sorry that it’s coming so late.”

“We can’t really do much about that now.” He looks behind himself quickly. “I, uh, probably shouldn’t keep Yangyang waiting much longer.”

“Yeah, I get it. I’ll leave you to it.” Jeno walks towards the porch steps, then stops right at the top. “Hey, Renjun.”

Renjun turns back with his hand on the doorknob. “Yeah?”

“Yangyang. Just a friend?” He keeps his tone light. Renjun gives him that tiny, wry smile again.

“Just a friend. Already did that. It didn’t work out. And you should mind your business.”

If Renjun really minded answering the question, he would’ve just told Jeno to fuck off. So Jeno smiles and nods and lets Renjun go back inside his house. He takes his time going to his next destination. In the back of his head, he wonders if Renjun will ever be able to forgive him.

He thinks about the other boys, too. He wonders if any of them will ever be able to forgive him.

He might get an idea soon. It doesn’t matter how slow he walks. It only takes so long to get to Mark and Jaemin’s place.

It doesn’t take him as long to knock this time, but he doesn’t feel much less nervous. Mark’s surprised just like Renjun was when he comes to the door.

“Hey,” Mark says. Sometimes Jeno’s still taken aback by how tired he always seems to be.

“Hey. Can we talk?”

“Um, yeah, sure. Do you wanna come in?”

Jeno’s not proud of it, but he’s a bit scared of seeing Jaemin right now. He needs a little more time for that.

He shakes his head. “I won’t keep you long. I just wanted to say…I’ve really been an asshole to you lately, and I’m sorry.”

He doesn’t think Mark’s surprised expression has left his face since he opened the door. “Oh, uh, it’s—it’s cool,” Mark says. “It happens near the end of tour legs.”

“Still. I’ve been making assumptions and getting mad at you about shit that isn’t even my business. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Mark is quiet. Jeno nods, and thinks about just leaving it there, claiming this one small victory. Something gets the better of him.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“Jaemin…does he blame himself?”

Over the past few days, Jeno’s thought a lot about everything Jaemin said to him, and Jaemin calling himself the problem sticks out maybe even more than Jaemin telling him he doesn’t love him. He sounded like he meant it.

Mark looks at the ground. “Does he blame himself? Oh, yeah.”

“Why?”

Mark shrugs. “Because he’s Jaemin. So of course he’s gonna think it was his fault that you fell in love with him and not Renjun and you chose to handle it in the worst possible way. And you know how stubborn he can be sometimes. He gets an idea in his head and there’s not much anyone else can do about it.”

Jeno remembers that well. “Yeah.”

Jeno remembers the way Mark always used to talk about Jaemin, too, can hear it now. It used to drive Jeno crazy, the way he could talk about Jaemin with so much love in his voice and yet still not love him. He didn’t understand how Mark could do that. He felt like he was always giving Jaemin false hope.

But it was none of his business. It’s still not.

“It is what it is.”

Jeno feels something final with Mark’s words, the ever-present knowledge that Jeno can’t change anything he did. He can’t hope for forgiveness without doing any of the work.

“I really am sorry I punched you, by the way,” Mark says. Jeno laughs a little.

“It’s okay. I got over it. I’m sorry I left.”

It takes Mark a moment to reply. “So am I.”

It’s not the worst response Jeno could’ve gotten. Far from it, honestly. Jeno can work his way up from here.

“I’ll let you get back to what you were doing.”

“Yeah. I’ll see you around.”

Jeno doesn’t hurry back to Doyoung’s house just like he didn’t hurry to Mark and Jaemin’s. It’s a nice day, and it’s not like he hasn’t spent enough time inside lately. He feels a bit strange, but it’s not necessarily bad. He’s not sure what it is, but it’s better than a lot of what he usually feels.

He still is going to have to figure out what to do about Donghyuck. The next leg of the tour really isn’t that far away, and Donghyuck hasn’t gone easy on him yet.

Donghuck went after him. Out of all the boys, it was Donghyuck who followed him after he left Yuta’s. Of course, it wouldn’t have been Jaemin, or Shotaro, or Mark. Renjun tried. But it was Donghyuck who did, Donghyuck who was more sober than Jeno anticipated, Donghyuck who actually drove him home.

Donghyuck had the least amount of skin in the game. He surely didn’t give a fuck what Jeno did.  He was so far removed from all of it, they weren’t even that close.

They weren’t even friends.

Donghyuck was the last Neo he spoke to for over six years. Not his best friend, not his boyfriend. Donghyuck. It’s funny how Donghyuck always seems to get the final word. He did that night, and he did in a way the other night, the last night of the tour. Both nights somehow feel like a parallel of each other.

But—and Jeno can’t even believe he’s thinking it—maybe he’s been too hard on Donghyuck. Jeno knows what unrequited love feels like, and he’s done a lot of very stupid shit because of it. Maybe Donghyuck’s not handling it well either.

They end up meeting up for practice about a week in, like they usually do on breaks even though they always like to pretend they won’t. Renjun has felt off-balance ever since Jeno came to his house to apologize. He’d already started to try to make peace with the idea that he’d never get an apology, and he feels like he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do now that he’s gotten one. It was nice to finally hear, but he still can’t shake the memories of what Jeno did. It might be easier if Jeno wasn’t around.

And unrelated but certainly not helping: Donghyuck is once again late, and it takes Shotaro calling him what seems like a hundred times for him to finally show up. Renjun doesn’t even know why he’s surprised anymore. Shotaro and Jisung act as Donghyuck’s defense team, pleading with the others not to be too upset with him, and it makes Renjun a little suspicious. Jisung in particular makes him suspicious. Shotaro is a very common mediator, but Jisung typically likes to stay far away from the middle of things if it’s at all possible. Renjun decides to play nice, as does everyone else, but he knows something’s going on. It becomes even clearer as practice progresses and Donghyuck is downright subdued. He and Jeno stay far away from each other, as well, which is strange considering the way Donghyuck couldn’t seem to give Jeno a moment to himself while they were on tour. Even Jeno seems to be a bit surprised. They take a break and Donghyuck and Jeno keep their distance from everyone, not just each other, and Chenle literally grabs Renjun by the back of his shirt and starts dragging him away before he can even think about going to talk to either of them.

“You could just ask me to come talk like a normal person,” Renjun says as he struggles to get Chenle to let go of him. “If you did this in public, I would start yelling about being kidnapped.”

“You wouldn’t deny your biggest fan a chance for some alone time with you, would you?” Chenle asks innocently, letting go.

“You are not my biggest fan.”

“Would you like me to make a big sign asking you to step on me to prove myself to you?”

“Oh my God, shut up.”

Chenle laughs and starts tugging him—by the arm this time—to where Mark and Jaemin are sitting. Renjun just goes with it. He learned a long time ago when it is and isn’t worth it to fight Chenle on what he wants.

“Something’s fucked up around here,” Chenle says conspiratorially as he and Renjun sit down.

“What else is new?” Jaemin asks dryly.

“No, this is new. Donghyuck and Jeno were not like this while we were on tour. And I know when something’s up with Jisung. He’s been all…jittery ever since we got home.”

“I think that’s just how he is normally,” Renjun says.

“This is different jittery, trust me.”

“He has a point about Jeno and Donghyuck,” Mark admits. Chenle nods.

“Something’s up with those two, and I think Jisung and Shotaro know what it is. Jisung’s been practically living at Shotaro’s place lately, and usually he doesn’t even leave his room during breaks unless I’m dragging him somewhere.”

“So go ask Jisung what’s up,” Renjun says, looking over at Jisung and Shotaro. They do seem to be having a fairly intense conversation, and Renjun was already suspicious. “He’s terrible under pressure.”

“He won’t tell. He’s way better at keeping secrets than you guys give him credit for.”

Renjun spares only a second to wonder what secrets of Chenle’s Jisung is keeping.

“That’s true,” Jaemin agrees.

“This started when we flew home,” Chenle says, “and Donghyuck insisted on sitting next to Jisung and made Shotaro sit with Jeno.”

“Well, I doubt you were gonna sit next to Jeno,” Renjun says, even though he does think Chenle’s onto something.

“But if Donghyuck didn’t want to sit next to Jeno, then it must’ve actually started either that morning or the night before.”

Chenle turns to Jaemin.

“I told you nothing happened,” Jaemin says after he realizes what Chenle’s getting at. “Nothing that had anything to do with Donghyuck, anyway.”

“Okay.” Chenle sounds somewhat doubtful. “But Jisung and Shotaro definitely know something. Do you think—” His eyes widen suddenly. “Oh my God.”

“What?” Renjun asks.

“Jisung and Shotaro were in the hotel room next to theirs that night. Oh my God, they fucked.”

Renjun’s eyebrows go up at the same time as Mark’s and Jaemin’s. “Jisung and Shotaro?” Renjun asks.

“No, Donghyuck and Jeno,” Chenle says impatiently.

Renjun frowns. “I think Jisung and Shotaro make more sense.”

“No, think about it.”

“How come every time there’s an issue you immediately think the people involved had sex?”

“Hey, last time it was not me, that was Shotaro’s theory.”

“Who did Shotaro think had sex?” Mark asks.

“No one,” Renjun and Chenle both say a little too fast. Mark and Jaemin exchange a glance but neither one says anything.

“Why would Donghyuck and Jeno sleep together?” Renjun says to get back on topic.

“I don’t fucking know,” Chenle replies, “but it makes sense. They fucked and now they can’t face each other, and Jisung and Shotaro heard them. That’s why they wanted us all to cut Donghyuck some slack about being late.”

Renjun has to admit that Chenle’s right. This does make sense, a worrying amount of sense. “Donghyuck is loud…” he says. It’s a moment before he realizes Chenle, Mark, and Jaemin are all staring at him. “I did live with him and Shotaro for a while, remember?”

“Weird that you comment on him and not your actual ex,” Chenle says.

“Didn’t you make out with him when we were in Rio a few years ago?” Jaemin asks.

Renjun feels a bit attacked. “We were both very drunk, and it was one kiss. I have never slept with Donghyuck.”

“I’m not sure we can say the same about your former boyfriend,” Chenle says.

“There’s no way,” Renjun insists, but he knows it’s not very convincing. “They hate each other. Or Jeno hates Donghyuck, at least.”

“Hate isn’t always a deterrent.”

“No?” Jaemin says, looking at Chenle with interest. Chenle rolls his eyes.

“I’ve heard.”

Renjun’s heard that, too. It’s not something he thinks he’d be very interested in—he can’t imagine having sex with anyone he didn’t at least really like—but that doesn’t mean no one is.

There’s a weird feeling growing in the pit of Renjun’s stomach that he’s trying to ignore. He refuses to be bothered by the thought of Jeno sleeping with someone else. Jeno can do whatever the fuck he wants—or whoever the fuck he wants. He’s not worth getting upset over, not after all this time and everything that’s happened.

“Jeno doesn’t really seem like someone who would sleep with someone he hates out of nowhere, though, does he?” Mark asks. Both he and Chenle are attempting to be subtle about looking at Jaemin.

“Oh, for goodness sake,” Jaemin says, “I told him I didn’t love him. Then I tossed him straight into Donghyuck’s bed. Are you happy?”

“Damn, you actually told him that?” Chenle asks.

“Yes.”

“Good for you.”

Jaemin sighs and looks away from all of them. His fingers drum against his knees, a nervous habit. Renjun’s a little impressed Jaemin told Jeno straight out that he doesn’t love him, but he wonders if that’s all Jaemin wanted to say.

“But that means Jeno was definitely upset when he went to his hotel room that night,” Chenle points out.

“So he slept with Donghyuck?” Renjun asks.

“Look, I said I don’t know why they’d sleep together. I just think it’s possible that they did. Very possible.”

Renjun thinks so too, as much as he doesn’t want to. He’s holding out hope that they’re over-analyzing the whole situation.

But Donghyuck did seem a little weird the morning they flew home, and not just because he was insistent about sitting with Jisung. And he’s certainly been weird today.

And Jeno came to apologize. That’s also weird.

“I don’t think we’ll know for sure unless someone asks,” Mark says.

“Don’t ask,” Renjun says. “It wouldn’t be fair to Jisung or Shotaro to put them in that position, and Jeno and Donghyuck probably wouldn’t tell the truth anyway. If they wanna talk about it, they will.”

Maybe Renjun just doesn’t want to know.

“You’re no fun,” Chenle complains, but it’s half-hearted at best. Sometimes Renjun thinks Chenle’s a little too in tune with how Renjun’s feeling. He doesn’t like that Chenle can’t be fooled.

“We should probably get back to work soon, anyway,” Mark says, climbing to his feet before holding out a hand to Jaemin to help him up like it’s second nature. They’re another problem, those two. Sometimes Renjun really thinks it’s impossible that Mark doesn’t have any feelings for Jaemin, but Mark’s always been a little more affectionate with Jaemin than with the rest of them, and Renjun doesn’t want to be the one to reopen that wound just in case he’s wrong, especially not now. None of them do.

Everyone sees Mark moving and knows what it means. They all start to slowly make their way back to their instruments. Jaemin makes very brief—perhaps accidental—eye contact with Renjun before he heads over to his drum kit, and how fast he looks away reminds Renjun that things aren’t quite normal between him and Jaemin either. He’s going to have to do something about that eventually.

The rest of practice goes smoothly even with Donghyuck being so quiet and withdrawn, but Renjun finds that his eyes keep drifting towards him and Jeno. He doesn’t know that they slept together, and he shouldn’t care even if they did. It has nothing to do with him. Jeno apologizing just has him feeling a lot of things he hasn’t felt in a while. Jeno coming back in the first place has him like that.

He doesn’t miss Jeno. He can’t miss Jeno.

Renjun goes to Chenle when they decide to call it quits. For some reason he doesn’t feel like being alone.

“You wanna come over?”

“Sure,” Chenle says, like this is a normal invite on any other day. But Chenle cannot be fooled.

Chenle may know him better than anyone does. He’s come a long way from the little boy who used to follow Renjun around.

“Cool,” Renjun says. “You can make me dinner.”

“Oh, fuck you. Why do I always end up making food for you at your house?”

Renjun just laughs as Chenle starts a whole rant about how lazy Renjun is and his terrible hosting skills. He never forces Chenle to do anything. Chenle just does.

Chenle worries about Renjun, though he hasn’t said so in a long time. Renjun knows that. But he wonders if Chenle knows that Renjun worries about him too.

“Listen to me, Renjun, it is four in the morning, you do not need to get drunk right now. You’ll be fucked up all day.”

“Good,” Renjun groaned. He felt like shit already. His head hurt from crying. His voice was hoarse. He was drained and exhausted. And his heart was broken. His day was shaping up to be terrible no matter if he was sober or so drunk he was unconscious.

In fact, unconscious might’ve been better.

“Dude, no,” Chenle said. “You need to get some fucking sleep.”

“Alcohol will make me drowsy!”

“You are already drowsy. Just go to bed.”

Renjun pouted very exaggeratedly. He was sure he looked ridiculous, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want someone to try to reason with him. He just wanted someone to be there as he drank all his sorrows away.

Jeno didn’t love him. Jeno had never loved him. Jeno loved Jaemin.

Even without being drunk, Renjun felt like he was going to be sick.

“Junnie. Just go to bed.”

They’d all been at Mark and Jaemin’s for a long time. Chenle had followed Renjun home, worried about leaving him alone even though he hadn’t said it. He was worried about what Renjun might do, Renjun could tell.

“How the fuck am I supposed to sleep right now?”

The whole fucking apartment felt like Jeno. It had been months since Jeno and Renjun had slept in separate beds. Renjun had already had trouble sleeping all week since Jeno had been gone, and that was before he knew Jeno had been lying to him their entire relationship.

He was so fucking stupid. He should’ve known.

“I don’t know,” Chenle said softly. He looked pretty worn out himself. “But you need to try.”

In another situation, Renjun would’ve been amused at Chenle being the responsible one between the two of them. In another situation, Chenle probably would’ve relished the chance to feel superior.

“He’s a piece of shit, Junnie. He doesn’t deserve you.”

Renjun envied how easy it was for Chenle to say that. Renjun wanted to get mad. He wanted to yell and scream, he wanted to call Jeno right now and leave a bunch of livid voicemails because he knew Jeno wouldn’t answer, he wanted to get so angry that he could forget all about how devastated he was. His head was pissed as hell.

It was his heart that couldn’t get with the program.

Fuck, he felt like he was going to cry again.

“How could he do that, Lele? How could he lie like that?”

There was a part of Renjun—a bigger part than he would’ve liked to admit—that didn’t believe it. That was insisting Donghyuck had had it wrong. Even though they’d gotten confirmation straight from Doyoung afterward, and if anyone would know, it would be him. There was still a part of Renjun that didn’t think it could be real.

The other part of Renjun could see it so clearly now. All the little pieces he’d just never put together. He was so, so stupid.

“I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

The only person who could’ve given Renjun an answer to that question wasn’t around.

“Come on, gege. Let’s call it a night.”

Renjun snorted. “‘Gege’? You haven’t called me that in years. You’re trying to butter me up.”

“I’m trying to get you to go to bed. You’re gonna be an asshole all day today, you don’t need to be a sleep-deprived asshole.”

“You can go home.” Renjun sounded a little petulant. “I’ll be an asshole by myself.”

“No.” Chenle’s voice was firm. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Renjun didn’t really want him to leave anyway. He didn’t want to face his apartment by himself that night. That morning, really.

Chenle was eventually able to convince him that trying to get some sleep was actually the smartest idea. He went to what was technically his bedroom, planning to sleep there for the first time in a while. He dragged Chenle along with him, and Chenle gave only weak protests. Chenle liked to cuddle, he just would never admit it. Renjun didn’t really get much sleep, but at least he was resting. They still had shit to do that day. They couldn’t halt everything because Renjun was going through a breakup, or whatever the fuck that was.

“Breakup” just didn’t seem to do it justice.

Even though Renjun wouldn’t let him pay rent, Chenle basically lived with Renjun from the day Jeno left to the day all of them moved to America. He was the one who packed up most of Jeno’s shit and got it to Doyoung, even though he wanted to just throw it all out. He spent the night more often than he didn’t. He helped with meals and maintenance and even cleaning. Renjun never asked him to. In fact, more than once he tried to assure Chenle that he didn’t need to come around as often as he did; Renjun would be fine alone. But Chenle didn’t stop. He probably knew Renjun was just putting up a brave front. No one would’ve known that better than Chenle.

It’s a little amazing that Renjun actually has some fond memories from that time, but he does. Chenle did his best to take his mind off his heartbreak, and sometimes he was even successful. And he listened when Renjun needed him to. Renjun was grateful for that.

Chenle never really talked about how he felt, though. He cursed Jeno out plenty of times, but he never talked about how he was affected besides every once in a while acknowledging that he was mad, which anyone could’ve seen. But even then, he was mad on Renjun’s behalf. He wasn’t mad for himself. He never said he was, at least. And maybe he just never talked to Renjun about it. He had the whole rest of the band he could’ve talked to, or even someone from the road crew.

But Chenle’s still so angry. Renjun hadn’t been expecting just how angry he would be when Doyoung first brought up meeting with Jeno at the beginning of the year, and it wasn’t like he thought he’d be fine with it. And Chenle doesn’t like to talk. Not about personal stuff. Any of the boys would agree with that. Chenle likes to ignore things. He’s very good at pretending he’s fine.

Renjun knows Chenle has his own secrets, and pressuring him to talk will only drive him away. But Renjun does worry sometimes, in the exact way Chenle probably doesn’t want him to. Renjun can’t fool Chenle, but Chenle…Chenle can fool Renjun.

It’s a little after midnight when Doyoung comes down. The TV’s on but Jeno’s not really watching it. Some of the more fast-paced English dialogue of whatever show this is is still a little too much for him to catch, and he’s probably missing a lot of context anyway. Doyoung just sits for a while, watching the screen, and many minutes pass before he says, “Can’t sleep?”

This certainly is not the latest Jeno has ever stayed up intentionally, but somehow Doyoung just knows these things. Jeno shrugs. Doyoung nods.

“Anything you wanna talk about?”

Jeno almost says no on reflex. He’s used to Doyoung asking, during their weekly phone calls and the few occasions they saw each other in person, and he’s always shrugged it off and insisted he was fine. But if there was ever a time to start being honest, it would be now. He’s done even more thinking since he talked to Mark and Renjun. It seems like all he’s done since the start of break is practice and think.

Doyoung has a lot of pictures in his house, with a lot of the same people, but one face shows up more frequently than the rest.

“How do you do it?” Jeno asks.

“Do what?”

“How do you love someone who doesn’t love you?”

Doyoung stiffens a little. “I don’t know if I’m the one who can answer—”

“Doie. You know how you were able to figure out that I was in love with Jaemin?” Jeno gives Doyoung a pointed look, and Doyoung sighs.

“I suppose I’m not subtle.” He leans his head back against the couch. “I don’t think I can give you the answer you want, Jeno. There’s no easy fix to this. Sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it sucks, and you just…you gotta get over them or you gotta learn to live with it. And both are hard to do.”

Jeno knows it. He almost asks again how Doyoung does it, but he’s starting to think that might be a silly question. Doyoung’s whole escape is his work, has been since he was a kid. His responsibilities to the band are much easier for someone like Doyoung to manage than matters of the heart are.

Jeno isn’t built like Doyoung is. He can’t chase his focus on his feelings away with work obligations. All of his work obligations right now directly involve Jaemin anyway.

“You have to love them in the way that they’ll let you,” Doyoung says, “even if that’s no way at all.”

That seems like a very lonely existence. But Jeno thinks he gets what Doyoung means.

That must be how Jaemin does it, too.

They both go up to bed shortly after, even though Jeno’s not sure if it’s going to be any easier for him to get to sleep. Can’t hurt to try again.

Jaemin doesn’t love him. Though he’s known it for years and years and years, he’s not sure that he’s ever accepted it.

Maybe that’s where he needs to begin.

Chapter Text

Their break goes by too fast, and before anyone knows it, they’re only a few days out from the next leg of the tour. They get together for Donghyuck and Dahyun’s birthdays, a bit early for Donghyuck’s because there won’t be a better time to celebrate while they’re touring. Donghyuck has not been himself all break—and Jeno knows exactly why, though somehow it’s not any less surprising. Jeno figured this would roll right off of Donghyuck, and he’d be the one struggling to recover. But it seems that they’re both having a hard time dealing.

At least that means that Donghyuck isn’t tormenting him about it. But it does reinforce Jeno’s idea that maybe he should cut Donghyuck a little slack. Maybe he’s not quite as in control as he’d like to appear.

Besides, Jeno has plenty of other issues to worry about, the biggest one being Jaemin and his feelings for him. Jeno’s talk with Doyoung put a lot of things in perspective for him. He just has to figure out how to take Doyoung’s advice.

The party for Donghyuck and Dahyun is very lowkey, and Jeno can feel tension in the air as soon as he walks into Mark and Jaemin’s house. It’s not really unexpected. He’s been feeling it at practices too. It’s different from the tension he felt on tour, because he doesn’t think this has anything to do with him, at least not directly. This is something between the other boys.

Donghyuck leaves Jeno alone, like he has been lately. Jeno spends time talking to a lot of different people, though he steers clear of Chenle, and Chenle does the same with him, though he does give Jeno some weird looks that Jeno doesn’t really understand or like. The nice weather means they’re not all cooped up inside, and someone gets a fire going in the backyard that draws a lot of people out. Jeno stays inside just because there are less people there, spread out across different rooms. The big groups of people still make him a little nervous. Not that one-on-one is that much better, but he’s working on it.

It’s purely by chance that he walks into the kitchen to make a drink and finds Jaemin there alone, and he almost turns right back around. Jaemin sees him before he can. He doesn’t say anything, but he smiles politely, and Jeno can see just how many walls he has put up around him.

Jaemin used to be so open and free.

“Nice night,” Jeno says casually as he refills his glass. He hasn’t spoken to Jaemin about anything non-band related since that last night of the European tour leg. He hasn’t been sure what to say after that.

“Yeah,” Jaemin agrees. Jeno notices that he’s not really doing anything, just leaning against the counter and sipping on his own drink.

Maybe he needed a break. Jaemin never really liked big groups of people either, even ones he was on good terms with. Maybe Jeno should just leave him alone.

He’s not sure if he’ll ever be used to being this at a loss around Jaemin.

“Still bourbon,” Jaemin says quietly, and it takes Jeno a moment to realize he’s talking about Jeno’s drink of choice.

“Yeah. I’m predictable.”

“Some things never change.”

Jeno can’t help but wonder if Jaemin’s not really talking about the booze. He sounds too thoughtful for that.

“I guess so.”

Jaemin still loves Mark. Jeno still loves Jaemin. And only one of them seems to know how to deal with it.

“Still Mark,” Jeno says gently.

Jaemin exhales. “Fuck you.”

There’s no heat or anger or intensity to Jaemin’s words. It barely even sounds like he’s cursing.

“Sorry.”

Jaemin shrugs. “It’s no secret. Everyone knows.”

Jeno winces. Again, Jaemin doesn’t seem to be angry or upset. He doesn’t seem like he’s trying to guilt Jeno. He’s just stating a fact. Not that that makes Jeno feel better.

“I’m sorry about that, too.”

Jaemin looks like he might speak, but he stops himself and just nods. Jeno wishes he could read him the way he used to be able to. He wishes Jaemin would talk to him like he used to.

But maybe he never will again. Jeno’s given him no reason to trust him.

“Hey, Jaemin?”

Jaemin hums.

“Since I’m apologizing…I’m sorry for trying to insert myself into your business. You were right. I do have an issue with always wanting to solve your problems for you, even when I don’t really know what’s going on. So I’m just…sorry for that. I’ll back off.”

“Thank you. And it’s okay.”

“I, uh…I talked to Mark too.”

“I know.”

Of course Jaemin knows. He probably asked Mark who came to the door as soon as Jeno was gone. Maybe even spotted him out a window. Jeno wonders how much Mark told him.

“He really does care about you.”

Jaemin smiles wryly. “Now you think so?”

“I’ve been looking at things the wrong way lately.”

“Ah.” Jaemin looks down. There’s something strange in his voice when he says, “I know Mark cares about me. He always has.”

Jeno’s not sure what Jaemin’s thinking or feeling. But he might have to learn to be okay with that, at least for the time being.

“So,” he says slowly, “I heard a few years ago that he came out as bisexual.”

Jaemin peers at him out of the corner of his eye, somehow amused and suspicious at the same time. “Yes. Mark discovered boys.”

“Congratulations?”

“I said Mark discovered boys, I didn’t say he discovered me.” Under his breath, Jaemin adds, “Mostly he’s discovered Yuta, like everyone else we know.”

Yuta was very popular with men and women alike even while Jeno was still in the band. He sure has Doyoung wrapped around his finger. Yuta himself was always particularly fond of Mark.

“Is that so?”

Jaemin sighs and shrugs. “I don’t know. It just seems that way sometimes. But either way, he doesn’t have feelings for me. He would’ve said something by now.”

Jeno can’t really argue with that. Mark knows how Jaemin feels. He’d have no reason to try to hide his own feelings if he had them.

Jeno knew that already, and not that long ago that knowledge pleased him deep, deep down in an awful, selfish way. But Jaemin’s not going to fall in love with Jeno just because Mark doesn’t return his feelings. And Jeno knows that pain firsthand. He shouldn’t be happy that Jaemin’s dealing with it too.

“I’m sorry, Jaemin.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. It just happens like that sometimes.”

Yes, it does. And Jeno’s trying to come to terms with that.

Jisung comes rushing into the room like he’s in a hurry, but he freezes when he sees the two of them. He doesn’t look particularly enthused to see either one of them. Jeno can understand himself, but he’s not sure what issue Jisung would have with Jaemin.

“Hi, Jisungie,” Jaemin says.

“Uh, hi, Jaemin. Have either of you seen Chenle?”

Both Jeno and Jaemin shake their heads.

“He hasn’t been through here,” Jaemin says.

“Okay, thanks. I’ll, um, look somewhere else.”

“Jisung—” Jaemin begins, but Jisung’s already scurrying back out of the room. Jaemin looks a little let down but not surprised.

“Is he okay?” Jeno asks.

“Right now, or in general?”

“In general?”

“I have no idea. He hasn’t been talking to me like he usually does. And he’s been especially weird ever since break started.”

Jaemin’s gaze searches Jeno, and it makes him a little uncomfortable. Jisung has been weird since break started, but Jeno thought he might’ve been the only one to notice, because Jeno’s been weird around him. He’d been nervous around Jeno on the tour, but this has been something different. And, at least from what Jeno’s seen, he’s been practically glued to Shotaro’s hip, and Jeno really thinks Shotaro might know something about him and Donghyuck. And based on the way Jaemin’s looking at him right now, Jeno thinks Jaemin might know something, too. Or maybe he’s just overthinking. He’s not sure.

“Oh.”

Jaemin looks at him for another second before he pushes away from the counter. “I think I’ll go see if anyone’s set the entire backyard on fire yet.”

Jeno chuckles. Only a couple weeks ago he probably would’ve been disappointed by Jaemin leaving. Probably would’ve wished Jaemin would stay with him all night long. Now he just smiles. “Good idea.”

Jaemin leaves, but Jeno stays where he is for a little while longer. Much like Jaemin before him, he doesn’t really do anything, just stands by the sink and gathers his thoughts. He finds that he’s not quite as uneasy about facing the other boys as he usually is in a situation like this.

That’s progress. Maybe he will have some peace of mind by the time this tour is over.

Renjun’s first mistake is drinking something Yuta gives him. His second mistake is being fooled by the lack of any real taste of alcohol. It’s really all on him. Everyone knows Yuta never mixes a drink that couldn’t put someone on the floor, not so much because he likes them, but because he gets a kick out of seeing how people react to them.

There is a possibility that Renjun wanted to get drunk tonight, consequences be damned. That’s no one’s business but his own.

A little remaining bit of good sense keeps him from slamming anything too fast, if only just so he won’t have to pee every ten minutes. He has a decent alcohol tolerance, and he’s had plenty to eat tonight, but the buzz does hit him rather unexpectedly, and it unfortunately doesn’t brighten his mood.

He’s not in a bad mood, per se, but perhaps an irritable one. Or maybe a confused one would be a more accurate description. Prolonged confusion makes him irritable. It’s a flaw of his.

Shotaro stays close to him all night, watching him with very subtle uncertainty. Renjun wonders how much about all of the boys Shotaro knows but never talks about, never even alludes to. He wonders what Shotaro knows about Jeno and Donghyuck, if they really did sleep together.

He wonders if Shotaro knows what the fuck is going on with Donghyuck. Renjun’s been distracted by other things, by Jeno and Mark and the tour, even Chenle a bit, and it’s been easy to put Donghyuck in the back of his mind, not forgotten but not an urgent matter, either. Break and Donghyuck’s recent behavior have changed that. Renjun swears Donghyuck’s avoiding not just Jeno, but all of them. He felt that way before tour started, as well, and he never got Donghyuck to talk to him about it.

Renjun can’t fucking do this again.

Renjun hits the bottom of his glass, and against his better judgment, he goes looking for Yuta for a refill. Shotaro raises his eyebrows a little when he comes back, but anyone would have that reaction to someone having a second cup of something Yuta brewed up. Renjun would, if he wasn’t the one doing it. But Renjun isn’t even fully drunk yet. One more glass won’t fuck him up too badly. Yuta would never have given him more if he thought it would.

Renjun’s very good at rationalizing when he’s buzzed.

“Are you aware that you’ve been scowling all night?” Shotaro asks as Renjun takes his first sip of his second glass. Renjun only makes a noncommittal noise. He hadn’t actually been aware of that. He stops immediately. “You wanna talk about anything?”

Yeah, Renjun really wants to have a heart-to-heart in Mark and Jaemin’s backyard at Donghyuck and Dahyun’s birthday party with more than half a dozen people within earshot. “I’m fine.”

“I think that’s the band motto,” Shotaro muses. “We should put it on merch.”

A lot of people don’t believe it—and never get the chance to see it—but Shotaro can really be a smartass sometimes. That might be why he’s the Neo Yangyang’s the closest to, after Renjun.

“Funny.”

“I’m just saying.”

What’s really annoying is that Shotaro’s not wrong. They all have a tendency to claim they’re fine when they’re not, some of them are just better at getting away with it then others. Renjun supposes he’s one who’s not very good at that. He wears his emotions on his sleeve most of the time.

“You wanna talk about anything?” Renjun says, and he’s not even sure why. The conversation he, Chenle, Mark, and Jaemin had at practice the other day burns in his mind. Whether Jeno and Donghyuck slept together or not, Shotaro knows something that at least half of the band doesn’t. Renjun said he wasn’t going to ask—explicitly. But if Shotaro’s willing to talk…

Shotaro shrugs. “Not really.”

It was a long shot, anyway.

Renjun’s not sure how much time passes as he sips at that second cup of Yuta’s admittedly very tasty concoction. It was already dark out when he started. Jisung joins him and Shotaro eventually, and he’s jittery, just like he has been. Just like Chenle said. Slowly, everyone at the party starts to turn up outside, even Jeno, which Renjun hadn’t been betting on. Maybe he just thought it was weird staying inside while everyone else was out.

Well, almost everyone.

“Where the fuck is Donghyuck?” Renjun asks, though he’s not sure who he’s asking. Shotaro and Jisung are the only two people who hear him, so he guesses it must be them.

“Bathroom?” Shotaro suggests, a perfectly valid idea. Renjun doesn’t buy it nonetheless.

“Does he not wanna be around us anymore?” he blurts out before he can think better of it. Jisung immediately looks at him with wide eyes. Shotaro’s more subtle, but Renjun can tell he’s uneasy.

“Why do you ask?” Shotaro says.

“You know why.”

This isn’t just about Donghyuck not being out in the yard right now. Renjun knows he’s not the only one who’s noticed the way Donghyuck can just disappear and reappear at random with no warning given before he’s gone again. He’s been late to practices over break, missed them regularly before tour started, fucked off to LA without even telling anyone he was going and completely missed the holidays. He’s found a new obsession in Jeno, someone who screwed all of them over and who he didn’t even like that much to begin with.

Renjun’s seen this kind of erratic, unpredictable behavior from someone he cares about once before, and everyone knows how that ended.

This fucking band. Renjun’s going to lose his mind.

“I’m sure that’s not it,” Shotaro says.

“Then what is it?”

Shotaro and Jisung make brief eye contact, and it doesn’t last long enough for Renjun to even try to analyze just how much either one of them might know.

“We’re all going through stuff right now,” Shotaro says gently. “Donghyuck’s no different.”

Renjun knows that. He can tell. But he’s scared of where whatever Donghyuck’s going through might take him.

“I have to take a piss,” Renjun says. Jisung wrinkles his nose.

The light in the living room is still on even though no one’s in there, though Renjun almost expects to find Donghyuck sitting on the couch or in one of the chairs. He goes out front once he’s done in the bathroom and spies Donghyuck’s car, meaning he didn’t leave unless he was on foot. Possible, if he didn’t feel like he should be driving, but he could’ve asked someone else to give him a ride. Renjun always thinks it’s kind of creepy out here in the dark. He goes back in and decides to give the place a quick once-over, and he doesn’t even have to go too far before he sees a soft glow of light coming out from underneath the door to Mark and Jaemin’s little laundry room. He opens the door and Donghyuck startles, his face illuminated by his phone screen.

“Hi, Hyuck,” Renjun says casually. “Why are you hiding in Mark and Jaemin’s laundry room?”

“I’m not hiding.”

“Okay. What are you doing?”

“Stealing Mark and Jaemin’s detergent.” He sounds incredibly serious even though that’s perhaps the worst lie he could’ve come up with.

“Oh.” Renjun looks pointedly at Donghyuck’s hands, which hold his phone and nothing more. “Where is it?”

“They must be out.”

Very deliberately and not sure why he’s even playing along, Renjun flips on the light—making Donghyuck wince—and goes to the cabinet above the washing machine, producing, as expected, one bottle of laundry detergent.

“Huh,” Donghyuck says. “I must not have checked there.”

Renjun sets the detergent down on the washer. “What’s going on, Hyuck?”

“Mark and Jaemin’s clothes always smell really good, and I didn’t know what brand of detergent they use.”

“Give it a rest, Hyuckie. You know I know that’s not what you’re doing in here.”

“Alright, fine, I was gonna steal the whole washer-dryer set. They’re both better than mine and Mark and Jaemin wouldn’t have even noticed they were gone.”

“Were you expecting to fit them in the trunk of your Accord?”

“It would’ve been a squeeze, I know.”

“Donghyuck. Can we be honest now?”

“Sure, Renjun. You can tell me anything you need to.”

Renjun fights his annoyance. “This isn’t about me, and you know it. Why are you hiding in the laundry room?”

“I’m not hiding. I’m just…taking a moment to myself.”

“In the laundry room.”

“Yes, I’m in the fucking laundry room, what about it?”

“Everyone else is outside, Hyuck. You don’t need to be in here to be alone. In the dark.”

Pouting slightly, Donghyuck says, “I know.”

“Then what are you doing? And don’t tell me you’re trying to steal the lint trap, please.”

Donghyuck glares at him, and Renjun doesn’t think he deserves that. Donghyuck’s the one who started the whole stealing thing.

“I’m not doing anything. I’m literally just trying to get away from everyone for a second. It’s not that big of a deal.”

Maybe Renjun should just leave him be, let him have the alone time he wants. Let him crawl inside the dryer to get away from everyone if he fucking wants to. If Renjun was just a little more sober, that’s probably what he’d do.

But he just wants some answers.

“Have we done something to you, Donghyuck? Is that why you’re avoiding all of us?”

“I—I’m not avoiding you guys. Jesus Christ, Renjun, I just wanted a second of peace, is that a crime?”

“Is that why you keep trying to get out of coming to practices? Why you stopped coming to shit we invited you to before tour started? Why you took off for LA right before fucking Christmas without even giving anyone a heads-up that you weren’t gonna be around? If you need space from us, Hyuck, you can just say that.”

Renjun remembers too well the cold December morning spent trying to figure out where the fuck Donghyuck had gone. Not even Jihyo knew. Renjun wants to be understanding, because every once in a while he sees something in Donghyuck’s eyes that bothers him, that worries him, but that December morning was a little too much déjà vu for him.

Donghyuck answered his phone eventually, at least.

Donghyuck looks pained. “Renjun, it isn’t that.”

“What is it, then? Hyuckie, I want to help, but I can’t if you won’t tell me what’s going on.”

Donghyuck opens his mouth, but no words come out. Renjun waits for what feels like a full minute, but Donghyuck just stands there, looking conflicted. Renjun sighs.

“You and Mark. I wonder if this is how Jaemin feels.”

“You’re worried over nothing, Junnie. I’m fine.”

Renjun can hear Shotaro saying that might be the band motto. “Okay, fine. You’re fine. Then I guess you’re just an asshole who keeps bailing on us for no reason.” Renjun swallows. “I suppose you sleeping with my ex-boyfriend is something I shouldn’t be worried about either.”

Without the two cups of Yuta’s magical brew, Renjun probably wouldn’t have said that. Donghyuck tenses. “Did Shotaro fucking tell you?” he asks.

Somehow it almost catches Renjun off guard, even though he was the one who brought it up in the first place. He wanted to be wrong.

“No. No one told me. I figured it out myself.”

Chenle did, actually, but Renjun won’t throw him under the bus.

Donghyuck groans. “How the fuck did you figure it out?”

“It doesn’t matter. Clearly I’m right. Now correct me if I’m wrong, Hyuckie, but you don’t typically sleep with people who don’t like you.”

Renjun may not know every single last detail about Donghyuck’s sex life, but he knows more than he’d like to just because of the close quarters they find themselves living in much of the time. Donghyuck’s only ever seemed to show interest in people who were also interested in him.

Of course, of all the people who could’ve possibly been the exception, it had to be Jeno. This fucking band.

“I don’t,” Donghyuck says, voice hard. “Sleeping with Jeno wasn’t—”

He cuts himself off abruptly.

“Wasn’t what?”

“Wasn’t anything.”

Somehow, Renjun gets the feeling that’s not what Donghyuck intended to say.

“I’m sure he feels the same way,” Donghyuck finishes.

Renjun knows all about meaningless sex with Lee Jeno. He hopes it ends better for Donghyuck than it did for him.

Very quietly, Donghyuck asks, “Are you upset?”

Renjun doesn’t like that question. “Why would I be upset? Jeno and I have been broken up for years, and he never even loved me anyway.”

It’s pathetic that that’s still hard to say out loud. Donghyuck makes a face like it hurts him just as much to hear, like he’s the one who was lied to and betrayed by an ex. By Jeno.

Donghyuck was hurt by Jeno, Renjun knows he was. No one made it out of that unscathed.

“I’m sorry that he did that to you,” Donghyuck says, which isn’t what Renjun was expecting. Not that he’s really sure what he was expecting.

Renjun doesn’t know if Donghyuck has ever said anything like that to him. He’s said other things about Jeno over the years, of course, but Renjun doesn’t think he’s ever apologized for Jeno’s behavior, not that Renjun was expecting him to. Renjun’s not sure how he should respond to it.

“It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault.” Renjun pauses. “But I’m worried about you, Hyuckie. I feel like I have no idea what’s going on with you anymore. You can talk to me.”

There’s something so desperate in Donghyuck’s eyes that Renjun feels like he’s been hit in the chest. Then it’s gone as fast as it appeared, so fast that Renjun can’t even be sure he saw it.

“There’s nothing to talk about. Everything’s fine.”

Renjun wonders if he truly thinks he’s fooling anyone. But, like Renjun stated earlier, if everything’s fine, then he has no reason for always seeming to not want to be around the other boys these days.

Renjun’s been trying not to think it, but maybe he really does just want out of the band altogether. It’ll come out eventually if that’s the case.

“Have fun with the laundry,” Renjun says, leaving him there. He goes back outside and finds that Chenle has taken his spot, and, feeling moody, he plops into Chenle’s lap. Chenle doesn’t seem quite sure of what to do with himself—Renjun’s not typically prone to sitting on any of the boys’ laps like some of the other boys are—and it’s amusing enough to cheer Renjun up a little.

“You were right,” Renjun says as Chenle very obviously tries to figure out where he should put his hands. “They fucked.”

Since Renjun interrupted a conversation between Chenle, Shotaro, and Jisung, Shotaro and Jisung both hear him, and Jisung’s reaction is enough to know that they know exactly what Renjun’s talking about.

“I thought we weren’t asking,” Chenle says, eyes wide.

“I didn’t ask.”

Jisung excuses himself, and Renjun watches him practically run back to the house. He didn’t need to worry; Renjun has no intentions of sitting and talking about this all night long. There’s not much else that can even be said, as far as Renjun’s concerned.

Chenle and Shotaro talk softly to each other, but Renjun stays quiet and watches the fire.

Across from him, just as solemnly, Mark does the same.

Renjun never had the issues with Donghyuck that some of the other boys did, Jeno most notably. He could be annoying sometimes, sure, and he was extremely nosy when he was younger, but a lot of kids could be like that. They didn’t truly become friends until after Donghyuck joined the band—of all the boys, Mark was the one Donghyuck was closest to before the band—but they weren’t openly hostile to one another. Renjun doesn’t even really know if he and Donghyuck ever fought about anything before the band. That was what Donghyuck and Jeno did.

Renjun loves Donghyuck. He loves him no different than he loves any of the other boys. But when he pulls away, he pulls away hard. He’s stubborn, and a little bit of a control freak too, at least where he himself is concerned.

Renjun feels like there are a million different things about Donghyuck that he doesn’t understand right now, but he can’t imagine that they’re not all connected somehow. The more he thinks about it, the less he likes the answers he comes up with.

But maybe he’s not supposed to. Maybe that’s why Donghyuck’s keeping his mouth shut.

All the girls besides Jihyo, Sana, and Nayeon are gone when Mark goes inside, as are Doyoung and Jeno. Donghyuck might be too, Mark’s really not sure. He thinks the same about Jisung until he walks into the living room, Shotaro not far behind him, and finds Jisung lying on the floor, loudly singing along to “Love Bites”. He must have Hysteria on the turntable.

“Everything okay, Jisung?” Mark asks. Jisung looks up at him with slightly foggy eyes and mumbles something Mark doesn’t understand. “What?”

“Uh oh,” Shotaro says. There’s a red solo cup by Jisung’s side, and he looks at it. “Sungie, what have you been drinking?”

Once again, Mark can’t understand what comes out of Jisung’s mouth. He looks at Shotaro. “What is he saying?”

“Orange juice,” Shotaro replies. He smiles tightly. “It’s another Tequila Sunrise.”

“Is not,” Jisung whines, before leaving Mark guessing for a third time.

“Mark doesn’t have grenadine,” Shotaro says before Mark can even ask. Mark has no idea how he’s doing that. “Tequila Screwdriver, then.”

Jisung pouts but doesn’t deny it, instead saying something along the lines of “at least I didn’t drink what Yuta made”, though Mark’s not sure of the exact word choice. He’s also not sure Jisung would be any worse off if he had, because the longstanding battle of Jisung Park versus Jose Cuervo is a messy one, and Jisung has never had the upper hand.

“You can stay here tonight, Jisungie,” Mark says, because it’s a lot easier to do that then make it all the way home, no matter how close he lives.

Mark takes a seat against the wall near where Jisung is lying while Shotaro takes the couch. Jisung goes back to singing along, with so much feeling that if Mark didn’t know any better, he’d say he’d recently had his heart broken. Mark smiles fondly at him.

Mark has always thought of Jisung as something like a kindred spirit, and that’s never been truer than it has been recently.

He leans his head back against the wall and sings along much quieter than Jisung is. He should just go up to bed, but he knows he’ll just end up staring at the ceiling. He’s never been exhausted quite like this before. Even when he does manage to get some decent sleep, it doesn’t go away. Sometimes he swears he feels more tired when he wakes up.

Donghyuck pokes his head into the living room. So he hasn’t left either. Mark wonders where he’s been. He hasn’t seen much of him all night, and it was half his party. He takes a seat next to Mark, smiling a little, but he seems somewhat sheepish.

“Hi, Markie.”

“Hey, Hyuck. Where have you been?”

Donghyuck shrugs. “Around.”

Donghyuck can be very evasive sometimes, and Mark’s too tired to keep pressing the issue. All the boys treat his and Jaemin’s place like a second home most of the time. Mark doesn’t really care if he went to go take a nap in Mark’s own bed.

“You okay, Markie?” Donghyuck’s so quiet that Mark can barely hear him over the music and Jisung singing. Mark just nods, and Donghyuck lays his head on his shoulder, not saying anything more. Mark knows something’s going on with him—more than him just possibly sleeping with Jeno—but he doesn’t know how to help him right now. He can barely help himself.

He’s never been like this before—can’t sleep, can’t write, can’t eat—and he thinks he might know why it’s different now. No, he does know. And he’s going to have to figure out how to deal with that.

“Love Bites” ends and “Pour Some Sugar On Me” is playing when Jaemin comes in from the backyard with Yuta. Yuta’s been watching Mark tonight. Yuta’s been watching him for a while, actually. Everyone has, but not like Yuta. Everyone else is bewildered. Yuta’s a little bit different.

Sometimes Mark thinks he should’ve just stayed quiet.

Jaemin smiles a little at Mark before he turns away and heads for the kitchen, but Mark didn’t miss the exhaustion in his own eyes. Mark stares at the spot he just left. He wants to get up and follow after him, but he’d feel bad disturbing Donghyuck, and he doesn’t know what the fuck he’d say anyway. Jaemin asks him time and time again if he’s alright, if anything’s wrong, if he wants to talk, and Mark lies and lies and lies. He doesn’t like to lie to Jaemin, not that Jaemin believes a word he says.

Jaemin doesn’t watch him the way Yuta does. The way Jaemin watches him is different.

Jaemin scares the hell out of him.

“You should get some sleep, Markie,” Donghyuck says, but he doesn’t take his head off of Mark’s shoulder. Mark nods absently.

The next leg of the tour looms menacingly in front of him. And he needs a lot more than sleep to fix his problems.

Chapter Text

They get back on the road again, with North American dates to be followed by South American ones. The days seem to pass very slowly even though they’re so busy most of the time. The tension between the band members hasn’t gone away, but they push it to the side, just like they did for the first leg.

Donghyuck sends Shotaro to be Jeno’s new permanent roommate. Jeno doesn’t mind. Shotaro’s easy to get along with. Shotaro doesn’t seem to mind either, but Shotaro’s just an overall quiet roommate, and not someone who likes to make a fuss. In fact, he seems fairly preoccupied most of the time. Jeno keeps half expecting him to ask if he slept with Donghyuck, or maybe just announce that he knows he did, but Shotaro never says anything about that.

And Donghyuck barely says anything to Jeno at all. It should be a relief—that’s what Jeno wanted all throughout the first leg—but it honestly just makes him feel kind of weird. Even if they don’t get along, Jeno still does care about Donghyuck. Maybe he wouldn’t mind so much if he could be sure that Donghyuck’s behavior is solely caused by him feeling awkward or uncomfortable around Jeno due to them sleeping together, because, well, fair enough. But Jeno definitely gets the feeling it’s more than that.

As for the other boys, Jeno’s relationships with them are okay. Chenle still clearly doesn’t like him, but he can get along decently with everyone else, even Renjun. Jeno’s not naïve enough to believe that means Renjun’s forgiven him, but it’s honestly more than he thought he’d ever get out of him. More than he deserves, maybe. He’ll take it.

And the shows every night are as good as they always are. Jeno thinks the boys could literally all be dying and they wouldn’t let it affect their performances. They’re professionals at the end of the day. Jeno plays on more songs then he did in Europe thanks to the work he did in practice over break, and he still gets the same high from the concerts, no matter how many they do.

He’s definitely going to miss this when it’s all over.

The thing about touring is that the longer you’re on the road, the more the days all start to blend together. It’s starting even sooner than usual this time for Jaemin; sometimes he finds himself forgetting what city they’re even in. Distracted is an understatement. He still has four major issues in his life, though he thinks maybe he should make that five with Donghyuck. Jaemin’s been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it’s gotten out that he really did sleep with Jeno, and that coupled with other strange things he’s been doing gives Jaemin a bad feeling.

Most concerning of all, however, is, of course, Mark. If Mark was in any way rested or refreshed by the end of break, he’s not now. Jaemin has no idea how they’re going to make to it to the end of this leg, let alone the end of the tour. Jaemin’s been trying to give him as much space as possible, but that’s hard to do on tour. He doesn’t know if it helps at all, but he feels like it’s all he can do, at this point.

They still room together whenever they’re at a hotel, though they spend more nights on the bus than they did in Europe. Jaemin asked if Mark wanted to alternate or go with someone else—and didn’t almost throw a tantrum about the idea this time—but Mark just smiled a little and asked if Jaemin was trying to get rid of him.

They have a two-night stay in Philadelphia, and though the days are a bit humid, the nights are beautiful. There have been a lot of long, late nights in the hotel rooms Jaemin and Mark share, for both of them. Tonight is another one of them. Even now, Jaemin tries to give Mark plenty of breathing room, and the nice night allows it. Their room has a balcony, and that’s where Jaemin stays, quietly playing music on his phone, as Mark sits inside, muttering to himself and scribbling into one of his millions of notebooks. He has the ratty old binder, kept together by an entire roll of duct tape, that holds original copies of lyrics he’s written and half-notated sheet music by his side, and he rifles through it every few minutes, but he never takes anything out. Jaemin’s been writing with Mark long enough to know that he’s not getting anything done.

“Are you looking for something specific?” Jaemin asks gently after Mark goes into the binder for the hundredth time. Mark’s somehow much more organized and much more scatterbrained than Jaemin is when it comes to music and writing. He keeps every paper, every napkin, every receipt, anything that has a line of lyrics or a few notes on it. And he always handwrites everything, never does anything on his phone or a computer. He insists on it even when he and Jaemin are working in tandem. Jaemin’s partial to the notes app, and anything handwritten ends up in the back of his closet or buried under something on the coffee table or stuck in a book somewhere. It’s kind of fun to discover them at random.

“Inspiration,” Mark says. Jaemin doesn’t think he’s lying, but that means the situation is dire, because Mark doesn’t like to look through the stuff he’s already written to get inspiration. He likes to keep looking forward.

“Mark, if you’re worried about the music, don’t. I can pick up the slack, or the other boys can, or we can just take ten years to come out with a new album and see who’s still around by then. It’ll be okay.”

Mark won’t listen to him, Jaemin already knows that. There are two things Mark loves better than anything on Earth, and they are playing the guitar and writing songs. And he does them both better than anyone Jaemin’s ever met. This is what Mark loves, what he’s so good at, and he suddenly can’t do it. Jaemin and the other boys doing more of it for him isn’t even a consolation.

“I’m just in a slump right now. I’ll bounce back.” He sounds like he’s trying to convince himself more than he’s trying to convince Jaemin.

“I know you will.” Jaemin has to believe it if Mark won’t.

They go back to the quiet again, broken only by Mark’s intermittent murmurings and Jaemin’s music. Jaemin looks out at the city lights as “The Sounds of Silence” plays, and halfway through the song, Mark groans.

“These are some actually good lyrics,” he laments.

“You want me to turn it off?” Truthfully, Jaemin wasn’t even sure if Mark could hear the music or not, he has it turned down so low. But evidently he can, and maybe it’s distracting.

Mark sighs. “No.”

Then he surprises Jaemin by tossing his pencil onto his notebook and getting up to join Jaemin on the balcony. He stands at the railing, staring out at the city, looking deep in thought. Jaemin doesn’t want to say anything to disturb him. Then the song changes, Elvis starts singing about how he can’t help falling in love, and Mark looks back at Jaemin.

“You have a lot of cheesy love songs on your phone, Jaeminie,” he says. Jaemin scoffs.

“Cheesy? This is a classic, Markie.”

He knows Mark’s just teasing him. Mark has as much respect for the King as any rock and roller does. He nods his agreement, and then starts to chuckle as he turns his head back to city.

“What?” Jaemin asks.

“My mom taught me to slow dance to this song when I was like fourteen.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. She was convinced that if I ever danced with a girl, I’d end up stepping all over her toes. And she might have been right, to be honest.”

“Huh. No one ever taught me to slow dance.”

Mark turns around fully and holds out his hand. “There’s nothing to it.”

Jaemin stares at the hand outstretched to him. “Mark, I don’t actually need to be taught how to slow dance.”

“I know that, Jaeminie. May I have this dance anyway?”

People would probably tell you Jaemin Na is a pretty smart man. Not a genius, but he did well in school, he has a knack for problem-solving, and he can keep a steady beat even when a song is shifting through every time signature known to man (Mark’s a sadist and Jaemin’s a masochist, and the whole band hates both of them). He’s not easily fooled, and his dad always used to say he had a good head on his shoulders.

However, whenever Mark Lee is involved, Jaemin’s the dumbest person alive. He takes Mark’s hand.

Both of Mark’s hands move to Jaemin’s waist once he’s standing, and Jaemin takes that as his cue to put his arms around Mark’s neck. He lets Mark lead, because this was his idea, and it’s not like it’s that complicated of a job.

The stupidest part of this is that Jaemin can’t even say that this is the most romantically charged thing he and Mark have ever done.

As they sway, Mark begins to sing along very softly, and Jaemin smiles crookedly. “For a cheesy love song,” he says, “you sure seem to know all the words.”

“I was just messing with you, dude.”

Only Mark Lee could call someone “dude” while slow dancing with them.

“I love this song,” he continues. “Besides, I’m good with lyrics. That’s why I’ve always kicked your ass at our lyric game.”

“You kicked my ass when I barely spoke English. If I’d pulled out some Korean lyrics, you would’ve been hopeless.”

“Probably.”

Jaemin didn’t think he would agree so easily. Jaemin has no comeback to respond to, no further teasing to do, which means he has to return to Mark singing along to “Can’t Help Falling In Love” while staring directly fucking at him. This is dangerous.

Then again, Jaemin is under no illusions about how Mark really feels about him. This isn’t going to make him believe something new.

The song nears its end, and Mark starts to slow to almost a complete stop. There’s something in his eyes that Jaemin doesn’t recognize, doesn’t understand. A few final moments seem to stretch into hours, and Jaemin feels like he’s waiting for something even though he doesn’t know what it might be. For a second, he thinks Mark might say something—

And then it’s like Mark remembers himself, and he drops his hands to his sides as the song ends.

“I, uh—I think I just had an idea,” he says, and Jaemin lets go of him so he can go back into the room.

He really is the worst liar.

Jaemin can’t help but smile when the next song that plays is “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’”, like his phone is mocking him. But you can’t lose something you never had.

Jaemin doesn’t know when either of them finally gets to sleep. Maybe Mark doesn’t sleep at all. There’s no easy way to tell these days besides to ask, and Jaemin thinks Mark’s probably tired of him asking.

Jaemin can’t say he blames him.

After the Neos’ fourth album dropped—titled Party’s Over, featuring thirteen songs, running just over an hour—the world turned upside down. Jaemin had never really understood the meaning of the phrase “overnight success” before then. He has no clue which of the boys sold their soul to the devil for that album to get the amount of traction it did so fast. He’d thought they were already as big as they were ever going to get. He’d had no idea.

The months after the release are all a blur to Jaemin now. Suddenly they were wanted everywhere, by everyone. Everyone wanted in on the Neos’ unprecedented success. Doyoung’s phone never stopped ringing. Producers all over made their cases for why they should produce the next album. Concert organizers begged for the Neos to make an appearance. The boys themselves were even contacted by people who wanted to take over as their manager. But the more people reached out to them, the more insular the Neos became, holding tight to the people they already trusted and intensely screening anyone else they brought onto the team.

They didn’t want any replacements and they didn’t want any random strangers.

It’s not hard to see where their mistrust came from.

They all moved to New York in what felt like the blink of an eye, and they even dragged Yuta along with them, because they knew Yuta was as essential to the songs and the albums as the boys themselves were. They did countless interviews. They started making plans for a world tour. They even started thinking about the next album. The sky was the limit.

Mark, much like Renjun, was heartbroken through all of it. He and Yeonjung broke up before the Neos relocated to New York.

It came right after everything that had been going on with Mark and Jaemin, after Jaemin trying to hide and Mark not allowing him to, and that’s something Jaemin’s never been able to forget. He doesn’t know if Yeonjung found out Jaemin was in love with Mark. He doesn’t know if someone told her. He doesn’t know if she figured it out herself. He’s never asked her and she’s never said.

He doesn’t know if that had anything to do with why they broke up because he doesn’t know.

Jaemin didn’t know how to be there for Mark. He wanted to, but everything he did made him feel like he was crossing a line. Made him worry that Mark might think he had some kind of ulterior motive. It seemed that every day he would remember the things Jeno said to him at the party.

He didn’t want to be that person. He didn’t want Mark to think that anything he did for him was conditional.

Looking back now, Jaemin sometimes wonders how the fuck the two of them even remained friends.

Everything comes with a price, and the success of the fourth album cost a lot more than the studio time it took to make it. Sometimes it seems like it’s still collecting from them to this day.

Jaemin doesn’t have much left to give. Maybe that’s why Mark’s slipping through his fingers.

Mark was never going to be his in the end, anyway.

As the days only seem to get longer, Jeno starts to question his judgment. Which is probably fair, because it hasn’t exactly been stellar in the past, but this time it isn’t regret. He hasn’t even done anything yet. But every day he more seriously considers something that wouldn’t have even crossed his mind just a few weeks ago.

He frequently thinks about something Chenle said to him during their confrontation before their final concert in Europe. Jeno has made another mess—or at least half of one—and he needs to clean it up.

He waits for a night they’re spending at a hotel, then gets Jisung’s room key from him even though Jisung seems very conflicted about giving it to him. Jeno will buy him some ice cream or something sometime as a thank you. He slips into the appropriate room without even being noticed by the other occupant at first—not specifically, anyway.

“Jisungie, you can take the bathroom first,” Donghyuck says before he turns his head and sees Jeno for the first time. Something passes across his face, but it doesn’t last long enough for Jeno to know what it was. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I’m your roommate tonight.”

Donghyuck stares at him for a while before he narrows his eyes a little. “You better not get your dick out.”

Jeno rolls his eyes. “I won’t if you don’t.”

Donghyuck sighs and turns away to unzip his suitcase. “Which one of them forced you in here?”

“No one forced me to come here. I just thought we should talk.”

“You wanna talk? To me? That’s a first.”

“I’m just a little concerned.”

Donghyuck stills. “Oh. That’s definitely a first.” He turns around, pajamas in his hands. “Your concern is just gonna have to wait. You’re not Jisung, which means I get the bathroom first.”

Jeno’s used to that. He waits patiently for Donghyuck to come back out, then obligingly goes to take a shower when Donghyuck insists on it. He has this weird feeling he’ll come back out into the room to find that Donghyuck has just left, but it turns out to be unfounded. He’s all curled up under the covers of one of the beds, but he’s still here. Jeno sits on the edge of the other bed, and Donghyuck gives him a rather unimpressed look.

“I think it’s fair to tell you that the whole band knows we slept together,” he says. “Just in case you didn’t know.”

“That we slept together?” Jeno asks, to lighten the mood. He knows what Donghyuck actually meant, and he actually hadn’t known the whole band knew, though he certainly had his suspicions about some of them. But he should’ve realized something like that wouldn’t be a secret for long.

“Get fucked.”

“Um.”

Donghyuck glares at him. “Not literally. Keep your pants on.”

Jeno chuckles awkwardly. “I didn’t know. But it makes sense. And I guess it’s fair to tell you that I told Doyoung.”

“That’s okay. Doyoung finds out everything in the end.”

Jeno nods, not sure what to say. He wanted to be better prepared when he came in here, but all day he’s been struggling to figure out how he should handle this conversation. He went back and forth a dozen times about whether he should do this. He’s still not quite sure what he’s even doing.

“Why the fuck are you here, Jeno? I figured you’d be overjoyed to get a break from me.”

So did Jeno. And he won’t lie: the reprieve from Donghyuck fucking with his head 24/7 has been great. But he’s not here just so they can hang out.

“Are you…okay?”

Donghyuck raises his eyebrows. “Am I okay? You give a fuck?”

“Donghyuck. It’s not like I hate you.”

Jeno almost expects Donghyuck to disagree, to insist otherwise, but thoughtfully he says, “Maybe that’s true.”

“It is.”

Donghyuck smiles a little, not as smug as usual, but somewhat mischievous. “You certainly didn’t hate me when my hands were down your pants.”

Jeno doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing him blush, but it’s not really something he can control. “Shut up.”

“You’re very mean sometimes. Do you know that?”

In the past, Jeno may have thrown the accusation right back at him, but he’s determined not to let this turn into a fight.

That didn’t go so well the last time.

“Yeah. I do. It’s something I’m trying to work on.”

Jeno thinks he may have actually taken Donghyuck Lee by surprise with that. Of course, he doesn’t let it show for long.

“Well. Good for you.”

“You weren’t completely wrong, you know?”

“Oh, I know.” Donghyuck pauses. “About what?”

Jeno shakes his head, but he can’t help but smile. “The things you said, before…”

“Before our little party in the sheets?”

Jeno grimaces. “If that’s what you wanna call it, yeah. You said some things I probably needed to hear.”

“Glad I could be of service.” This would be the perfect time for Donghyuck to gloat, but he doesn’t. He barely sounds interested. Jeno pushes forward nonetheless.

“I guess…I guess I was pretty mad, like you said. I didn’t want to admit it, even to myself, but I was. And I was hurting the boys because of it. I’m trying to…not do that anymore.”

Jeno has been angry for a very long time. He’s been ignoring it, pretending he’s not feeling it at all, but he’s still been acting in response to it. And he thinks that’s why he’s still had such an issue with Donghyuck even though Jeno’s probably done more to hurt Jaemin than Donghyuck ever has. But Donghyuck’s still here with Jeno’s oldest friends even though if things had gone just a bit differently, Donghyuck wouldn’t even be a member of the band.

But Donghyuck did not steal Jeno’s place in the band. Jeno gave it up.

“This is impressive growth, Jeno. Are you seeing a therapist?”

“No. I just didn’t do much over break besides think about things. And the things you said were pretty fresh in my mind.”

“Is that the only thing that was fresh in your mind?”

“Don’t.”

Donghyuck giggles.

“Speaking of that, though…you have been kinda weird ever since then.” Jokingly, because Donghyuck started it, Jeno adds, “If I’m that bad in bed, you can say so.”

“There’s no response to this that doesn’t either make me sound like an asshole or inflate your ego.”

“Fair enough. But, like…if I struck a nerve with the shit I said about Mark, I’m sorry. Or anything else I said, really. I’ve been kind of a dick lately.”

Donghyuck snorts. “Kind of. But you’re gonna have to try harder than that if you really wanna hurt my feelings. You’re losing your touch.”

It takes a moment for Jeno to realize what he means. At first he thinks it’s a reference to what he did to Jaemin or Renjun, but that’s not it. He’s not sure how he can tell, but Donghyuck’s talking about himself, and the history he and Jeno have. The constant fighting to the uneasy truce they reached when Donghyuck joined the band. Jeno can’t even remember half the shit he said to Donghyuck over the years.

That’s where it started, Jeno thinks, his obsession with taking on anyone and anything he perceived to be Jaemin’s enemy. It began with Donghyuck, and Jaemin’s tower of blocks when they were all five fucking years old.

It’s disturbing to think about that for too long.

“I heard you apologized to some of the other boys, too,” Donghyuck says.

“Yeah. I should have a while ago. And I should’ve stayed out of Jaemin’s business to begin with. That’s why I couldn’t pay attention to anyone else.”

“I’m sorry Mark’s not the villain you wanted him to be.”

Jeno furrows his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

Donghyuck smiles again, closer to way it’s been since Jeno came back, but there’s still something missing. “Come on, Jeno, you and I both know why you latched so hard onto the idea of Mark doing something that was hurting Jaemin. You wanted to be the one to defend Jaemin’s honor this time.”

It’s painful to admit, but he’s not totally wrong. But that’s still a little more than he wants to say to Donghyuck, so he just shrugs.

Donghyuck turns onto his back to stare up at the ceiling, laughing a little. “You and Jaemin. It honestly blows my mind sometimes how messed up about him you still are.”

Again, not that long ago Jeno might have pushed back, brought up Mark and how Donghyuck’s been dealing with that, but Donghyuck hasn’t completely blown up any of his friendships because of his love for Mark, at least as far as Jeno knows. Donghyuck may not be getting along perfectly with some of the other boys, but he’s still in the band at the end of the day.

Donghyuck turns just his head to look at Jeno. “You ever have a boyfriend besides Renjun?”

Jeno could barely even think about dating after Renjun. He couldn’t do that to someone again. “No.”

Donghyuck nods. “I guess that’s good…no offense. Because you’re still in love with Jaemin, and everything.”

“No, I…I get what you mean.”

All of the stupidest decisions made in Jeno’s life have been influenced in some way by his love for Jaemin.

“We’re getting seriously off-topic,” Jeno says. “Are you okay? Because you’ve been weird since the start of break and I think some of the other boys are worried about you.”

Jeno thinks he can see that underneath all the tension and hard feelings. Shotaro and Jisung in particular have seemed noticeably concerned, but all of the boys have to an extent.

“Oh, Jeno.” Donghyuck sighs dramatically. “It’s so sweet of you to be concerned about me. I just knew that not even you are immune to my charms. But what’s between me and the other boys is between me and the other boys. Nothing you need to worry about. We’ll all be fine in the end.”

He sounds confident, but something still bothers Jeno. He’s not sure what it is. “Are you sure?” he asks.

Donghyuck smiles for a third time, and it’s still not quite right. “I’m afraid I have no juicy gossip to give you. And I’m tired. It’s been a long day, you know? I’d like to get to sleep tonight.”

If Jeno’s not mistaken, that’s Donghyuck’s way of dodging the question. But the two of them aren’t close enough for Jeno to keep prying. They always seem to do things on Donghyuck’s terms anyway.

Jeno knows that something is wrong, and he thinks Donghyuck’s smart enough to know that he knows. But it being none of his business is not something he can easily argue with.

Donghyuck turns onto his side, facing away from Jeno, and Jeno takes that to mean that they’re done talking, as he figured. He pulls back the covers on his own bed and crawls under. Quietly, he says goodnight, and Donghyuck doesn’t reply. Jeno’s not sure he believes Donghyuck fell asleep that fast, but it’s not worth getting worked up over. Jeno turns onto his side as well and closes his eyes.

And, so caught up in thoughts about other things, for the first late night since he’s been back with the band—for the first late night since Doyoung called him at the beginning of the year asking him to come back—Jeno doesn’t think about Jaemin at all.

Jeno can remember the exact order in which the boys stopped trying to get in contact with him. Jaemin never did. Renjun stopped a week after Jeno left, Chenle stopped not long after that. Jisung lasted a little while longer, and then it was down to just Donghyuck, Shotaro, and Mark.

Donghyuck lasted much longer than Jeno had anticipated he would. He’d thought the way they’d left each other was pretty final.

He wonders if Donghyuck was telling the truth during their conversation after the first concert of the European leg. It feels like that was a million years ago. Donghyuck said he tried, he wanted to be Jeno’s friend. Jeno really never thought he did back when he was still in the band, but maybe…maybe he was wrong. He’s been wrong about a lot of things.

He wonders if Donghyuck still wants to be friends with him now. He wonders if the two of them could ever be friends.

He thinks it’s possible—a thought that’s almost surreal given how long he’s spent disliking Donghyuck. But, if nothing else, he knows what Donghyuck’s going through, and he knows how it can affect your point of view. Maybe if they were friends, Donghyuck would feel more inclined to open up to him instead of just trying to make him miserable so he’s not miserable alone.

Jeno doesn’t have the first clue how to go about befriending Donghyuck, though. Three years in a band with him and yet somehow he feels like he knows nothing about him. All he knows is how to piss him off, and even that has been hit or miss lately.

He supposes he can try, though. That’s really the best he can do with any of the boys right now.

Jeno’s asleep in no time. The recent apologies must really be soothing his conscience. Donghyuck had wondered if he’d ever get around to them.

He will admit, he was expecting more of an explosion. Maybe he hadn’t given Jeno enough credit. Or maybe sleeping with Donghyuck was just so fucked up to him that it’s driven him to be a better man.

Or maybe the explosion just hasn’t happened yet. Donghyuck doesn’t think Chenle’s had his final say.

Donghyuck hadn’t intended to sleep with Jeno before it happened. But…well, it happened. Which unfortunately means that Shotaro and Jisung are on high alert now—it just had to be those two in the next room. That’s Donghyuck’s own fault, though. He wasn’t thinking. If he’d been thinking, he wouldn’t have slept with Jeno.

(“Don’t bullshit me, Hyuckie,” Shotaro said, sitting on Donghyuck’s couch, gravely serious. “There was only a wall separating us the other night.”

“Sorry to keep you up,” Donghyuck said, knowing there was no good way to explain this.

“It’s not really the lack of sleep that I’m worried about.”)

Jeno’s not wrong. Some of the other boys are worried about Donghyuck. They probably all are, in their own individual ways. Donghyuck’s been aware of that for a long time. It’s worse now that they all know he slept with Jeno. They’re worried because they don’t understand.

Maybe they never will.

Shotaro’s definitely putting things together, though. Maybe not everything, but bits and pieces. Donghyuck was right about him. Shotaro’s the unsung hero of seven years ago. Chenle picked up Renjun’s pieces and Mark picked up Jaemin’s, but Shotaro picked up both Jisung’s and Donghyuck’s, and never said a word about it.

Shotaro liked Donghyuck right from the beginning, but all Donghyuck could think anytime he saw him was that it wasn’t fair.

(Shotaro texted him a bunch of times at his birthday party, but Donghyuck just kept saying that he wanted to be left alone. And then Jisung showed up, took one look at him, and went for the Cuervo. The whole band gives Jisung anxiety, at this point, and Donghyuck is no exception.)

Donghyuck thinks he was right about Jaemin, too. If not for Mark and whatever the fuck is up with him, Jaemin would be a much bigger problem for him. Jaemin can see right through him sometimes. It’s ironic that Jeno always thought that he needed to protect Jaemin from Donghyuck. Jaemin has always been more than a match for him.

But Donghyuck’s not sure how much more there is left for him to do now that Jeno’s decided he wants to redeem himself. It’s up to the other boys to decide now. He is a little impressed. Jeno’s made bigger strides than Donghyuck was expecting. He hasn’t won everyone over, Donghyuck can tell, but he’s doing better than he has been.

Not that it really matters now. It just means that Donghyuck got what he wanted, the start of it, at least, and before it was too late, too. There’s only so much more he can ask for.

And yet somehow this feels like it’s not over yet. It would be nice, but he’s not optimistic.

All good things must end.

Chapter Text

Jeno wakes up in Milwaukee with the strangest sense of foreboding. He can’t explain it. The boys are more energetic than they have been in a while, excited to be playing to a crowd so close to their current home, but something just doesn’t seem right. He tells himself that he’s just being cynical, assuming something will go wrong just because things seem a little better than they have. Every minute that passes with nothing bad happening makes him feel sillier, but the unease never goes away in spite of that. He doesn’t ask if anyone else is feeling it, as if doing so will tempt fate.

Soundcheck comes. Jeno, unfortunately, is vindicated.

He doesn’t even know what’s happening at first. He’s turned away from the action, so all he’s aware of is a sharp thud and Jisung, distressed, saying Mark’s name over the music they’re all still playing. The music abruptly stops, and Jeno’s eyes are actually drawn to Jaemin before they’re drawn to Mark; his drumsticks get thrown halfway across the stage as he moves faster than Jeno’s ever seen him move in his life. Jeno finally turns towards Mark and finds him on the ground, Jisung crouched at his side. Jaemin’s there a second later, getting Mark’s guitar off of him and out of the way, and Jeno’s vaguely aware of Doyoung yelling something, but he sounds like he’s underwater. Jeno feels like his brain is working in slow-motion as he wonders first what the fuck Mark is doing on the ground, then if he tripped over a stray cord or an amp or his own feet, but as Mark’s vision seems to go in and out of focus and he struggles to even sit up, Jeno realizes this is worse than just a clumsy, accidental fall.

Doyoung appears, and Jisung falls back a little so Doyoung can have more room. Doyoung’s mouth moves rapidly, but Jeno can’t really hear him. All he can hear is Mark repeating, “I’m okay, I’m okay” over and over. The other boys start to cluster together, far away from Mark to give him plenty of space. Jeno stays where he is, feeling useless. It seems to take forever for Doyoung and Jaemin to get Mark to his feet, and they immediately start leading him offstage. Doyoung stops at the edge of the stage and turns back to the others.

“You six finish soundcheck,” he says, in his firm manager voice that tells them it’s not up for discussion. As soon as he says it, Dahyun and Chaeyoung are on their way onstage. Dahyun takes Jaemin’s place behind the drum kit with her own sticks—Jeno has no idea where Jaemin’s ended up, but they’ll have to be found before the concert tonight—and Chaeyoung takes Mark’s guitar from Jisung, who picked it up after Doyoung came out onstage. Both of the girls look as concerned as the boys are, but they’re ready to do their jobs.

“How the fuck are we supposed to do soundcheck now?” Chenle asks, his voice hushed. Donghyuck is next to him, and he appears more shaken than Jeno has ever seen him. No one says anything for a few moments, and then Renjun clears his throat.

“Mark will be fine,” he says. He’s clenching his fists, and his voice is a tad uncertain. “We still have a concert tonight.”

It’s like each and every one of them is in a trance as they go back to their positions. They pick up where they left off, starting the last song over, but Jeno knows they’re all distracted, and it shows. It’s a good thing this is just the soundcheck. Jeno thinks they’re all hoping that sooner or later Jaemin and especially Mark will come back, but neither one does. They don’t go as long as they normally do, and once they’re done, Sana directs them all to a room backstage without even having to be asked. She knocks quietly, and Doyoung comes to the door after a very long pause, stepping out into the hallway and shutting the door behind him before Jeno can even get a glimpse inside.

“Hi, Doie,” Sana says, always chipper even though she’s clearly worried as well. “How is he?”

Doyoung sighs. “He’s alright. He’s been looked over and he’s going to be okay.”

Jeno can tell that there’s a lot Doyoung’s not saying.

“Can we see him?” Donghyuck asks, a little impatiently.

“Yes, just…don’t mob him. Give him room to breathe.”

Donghyuck’s practically pushing Doyoung out of the way as soon as he says it, but Doyoung doesn’t put up much of a fight. The boys follow Donghyuck into the room where Mark and Jaemin are while Doyoung and Sana hang back in the hallway, and Doyoung leans down a little to be closer to Sana as he starts to talk. Once again, Jeno can’t hear what he’s saying, but it seems serious. Jeno tears his eyes away and instead looks at Mark, who’s sitting close to Jaemin, one of his hands in both of Jaemin’s.

“Hey, guys,” Mark says tiredly.

“You scared the hell out of us, Markie!” Donghyuck says immediately. His voice shakes a little. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

The way Jaemin’s chewing on his lower lip tells Jeno otherwise.

“You don’t look fine,” Chenle says, saying what Jeno—and probably the rest of them—is thinking.

“No, I’m—I’m good. Really.”

“Are you gonna be okay to perform tonight?” Donghyuck asks. Mark hesitates.

“No,” Jaemin says.

“Jaeminie…”

“Mark, you’re exhausted. You need to get some sleep. We can’t have you passing out again in front of thousands of people.”

“Jaemin, I can’t just miss a show.”

“Yes, you can. We’ve all done it before. Chaeyoung can step in for you, or Jeno and Shotaro can handle it themselves.”

“But the fans—”

“The fans will understand.”

Jeno gets the feeling the two of them had already had this conversation, perhaps a couple times, before the boys came in here.

“Mark, Jihyo’s already getting hotel rooms in the area for us. If you won’t step back on your own, I’ll drag you to the hotel myself and then we’ll both miss the concert.”

“Dude, no, they can’t perform without a drummer.”

“Dahyun can do it. Probably better than I can. What is it gonna be?”

“Take a break, Mark,” Renjun says gently. “We’ll be okay for a show.”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck agrees. “You need it.”

Jeno can tell how torn Mark still is. This can’t be easy for him. But he looks terrible. Jeno doesn’t think he’d ever make it through the concert. He knows Doyoung will never allow it, and Mark will listen to Doyoung even if he won’t listen to anyone else.

Mark sags a little. He looks at Jaemin. “I guess I don’t have a choice.”

Jaemin closes his eyes in relief. There’s quiet for a couple seconds, and then Doyoung and Sana come into the room.

“Alright, listen to me, Mark—” Doyoung begins, pointing his finger at Mark.

“He’s given up already, Doyoungie,” Jaemin says. Doyoung’s hand drops to his side.

“Oh, thank God, I thought that was going to be so much harder.” Doyoung changes his tone to something a little gentler. “Jihyo already found a place with available rooms. We’ll send Yuta with you, to keep an eye on you. As soon as there’s a car ready, you two can be on your way. Don’t worry about us tonight. You need to get as much rest as you can. That’s an order.”

Yuta comes strolling into the room as soon as Doyoung’s finished speaking, like he sensed someone was talking about him. “I hear there’s someone I’m in charge of babysitting tonight,” he says.

“Yes,” Doyoung confirms. “I guess we’ll have to find someone else to pretend to be doing things during the concert.”

“Ouch.” Yuta winces. “You’re really cruel, Doie.” He walks over to Mark. “I was told that I can knock you out if I have to.”

“Please don’t,” Mark says. He stands up, and Jaemin finally lets go of his hand.

“Oh, you’re gonna be cooperative. Cool. Come on.”

Yuta leads Mark from the room. Sana smiles at Doyoung once they’re gone.

“I’ll give you guys the room,” she says, and she follows after Yuta and Mark, closing the door behind her. Doyoung looks like he wishes she hadn’t left.

“Okay,” he says after a very uncomfortable pause. “We need to talk.”

“Oh my God, is Mark dying?” Donghyuck asks.

“Don’t fucking ask that,” Renjun says with a scowl that doesn’t mask his worry. Jeno looks at Jaemin. His eyebrows are furrowed and he’s staring at something low to the ground across the room, but his eyes are distant, like he doesn’t really see anything. Jeno doesn’t know if he’s paying attention, but he gets the feeling Jaemin already knows whatever Doyoung’s going to say.

“No, Mark’s not dying,” Doyoung says. “But he’s wiped out. And the truth is…I don’t know if I’m comfortable keeping him on the road like this. You all know how demanding touring is. We can’t have this happening every other day. And we can’t have something worse happening.”

“You wanna send Mark home?” Jisung asks.

“I think we have two options. We send Mark home, or we all go home.”

That settles in the room with them. Jeno looks around at the boys, and none of them seem surprised, but it’s still plain to see that this is hitting them hard.

“Just—just cancel the tour?” Jisung asks in a small voice.

“Cancel or postpone,” Doyoung says. “We wouldn’t have to cancel everything. We could start with this leg and see how things are going for the next. Or we can keep going without Mark. Give him some time to rest and recuperate.”

The boys exchange glances, but no one speaks. Jaemin doesn’t even move.

“You don’t have to decide immediately,” Doyoung says, “but you should decide soon. I don’t mean to put pressure on you, but there’s a lot that’ll need to be done no matter what you decide.”

“Is Mark even gonna go along with this?” Donghyuck asks.

Doyoung looks a bit helpless. “He’s gonna have to. I can’t in good conscience let him burn himself out like this. It’s gone on long enough already.”

Doyoung cares about them all more than they care about themselves sometimes. Jeno knows that’s true.

“You guys just think about it, okay? Let me know what you decide. I have to go take care of some things.”

Doyoung leaves them, and it feels like they spend eternity just looking around at each other. Jeno doesn’t really think it’s his place to say anything, since he’s not technically part of the band, but it seems like the others don’t have anything to say either. Finally, Jisung crosses his arms and pouts.

“I don’t feel good.”

“I know what you mean,” Renjun says.

“How are we supposed to make this decision without Mark?” Donghyuck asks. “It doesn’t seem right to leave him out of it.”

“If we bring him into it, he’ll insist that he’s fine and that he can continue on,” Renjun says. “And Doyoung’s right, he needs some actual fucking rest.”

“Alright, fine,” Donghyuck says. “But Mark would want us to keep going without him.”

Chenle snorts. “Like that’s gonna happen.”

“What do you mean?”

Chenle takes a moment to speak, and he seems to be tiptoeing around something. “Come on, you guys,” he says. “Does anyone really wanna keep touring without Mark? We’ve done single shows without members before, but we’ve never done most of a tour leg. Do you think it’s gonna be enjoyable for anyone?”

“He has a point,” Shotaro says.

“The fans…” Renjun says weakly.

“We don’t have to cancel all the shows completely, like Doyoung said,” Chenle says. “We could just postpone them. We can do what we want. And it’s not like the fans won’t be disappointed if we continue without Mark.”

“I guess you’re right,” Renjun admits.

“Should we vote, then?” Shotaro asks.

Renjun nods. “Yeah. Let’s get it done.”

Donghyuck looks at Jeno. “Are you in, or are you out?”

Jeno’s surprised he was even asked. “I’ll stay out of it. You guys are the band.”

“Suit yourself.”

“No chance of a tie, then,” Renjun says. “Everyone in favor of continuing without Mark, raise your hands.” Renjun waits for much longer than he needs to, but not a single one of them raises their hand. “I guess that settles it. Mark’s…gonna be pissed.”

“I’ll find Doyoung and tell him,” Shotaro volunteers. He leaves the room, and Renjun and Chenle follow pretty quickly. Jeno, Jisung, and Donghyuck linger longer, all three of them casting uncertain glances in Jaemin’s direction, but he doesn’t look at any of them. It’s almost like he doesn’t even know they’re there. Jisung is the first to leave of the four of them, looking stressed out even for his standards. Donghyuck looks like he might say something to Jaemin, but he never does, and once he’s gone, it’s just Jeno and Jaemin.

“Hey,” Jeno says. “Are you okay?”

“What?” Jaemin asks, finally looking at him like he really didn’t know he wasn’t alone. “Oh, oh, um…” The smile he gives Jeno is somehow still so beautiful, unhappy as it is. “Not really.”

He gets up from the chair he was sitting on and leaves the room without another word. Jeno doesn’t know where he’s going, but it’s probably none of his business.

Jeno stays where he is for a long time, just thinking about Mark. Their leader.

For the first time, Jeno’s not upset that Mark’s not telling Jaemin what’s wrong. He just hopes Mark’s telling someone.

Yuta doesn’t say anything on the way to the hotel or up to the room. Well, that’s not true. Yuta actually says a lot, but none of it is important. It’s just something to fill the silence, and Mark can tell. Yuta doesn’t seem to care if Mark responds to anything he says.

It’s not until the door to the hotel room is closed behind them that Yuta smiles apologetically and says, “First, you need to get some sleep. But after that, I think you and I need to talk.”

Mark tries not to grimace. He was hoping Yuta would take pity on him and leave him alone. But he can’t fault Yuta for caring.

He has no idea how he’s supposed to sleep right now.

Yizhuo comes and finds him after Black Mamba’s finished their soundcheck.

“I heard about Mark,” she says. “Is he okay?”

“He needs to rest,” Chenle says, “but I think he’ll be okay. Unless there’s something Doyoung’s not telling us.”

It’s supposed to be a joke, but even Chenle can’t find the humor in it. Yizhuo looks at him sympathetically.

“So you’ll all be getting a break for a little while.”

News travels fast. Of course, Black Mamba would need to know, because this affects them too.

“Mark needs one, and it wouldn’t be the same without him.” Chenle doesn’t know why he feels like he needs to justify the band’s decision. Yizhuo doesn’t look disappointed that they’re bringing the tour to a halt, just concerned.

The members of Black Mamba are friends to all of the boys. Chenle’s sure they all understand.

“I get it,” Yizhuo says, confirming what Chenle was thinking. “I wouldn’t want to go on tour without one of the other girls either.”

Chenle nods. He knows it would never work without Mark. Shotaro would be able to carry Mark’s parts, sure, and either Jeno or Chaeyoung or even Momo could pick up the slack, but Jaemin would be absolutely fucking useless with worry, which would affect Jisung, which would affect Chenle, and so on and so forth. The rest of the leg would be miserable, and it would probably start to show.

“Are you okay?” Yizhuo asks.

“I’ll be fine. It’s for the best, you know?”

“That’s not what I meant.” She takes one of his hands almost hesitantly. “I know you don’t like to talk about shit, but I am here if you want to.”

Chenle forces himself not to stare at their hands. She gives him a lot of signals and signs, and so far he’s been pretending to be oblivious. He likes Yizhuo a lot, he does, and she likes him, too.

That’s a problem.

“Let’s not get mushy,” Chenle says with a smirk. Yizhuo rolls her eyes.

“Just keep it in mind. And you have my number.”

“I don’t know, I think I might have deleted it.”

Yizhuo rolls her eyes again and lets go of his hand to hit him on the shoulder. “You did not. And I have yours, anyway, so joke’s on you.”

Chenle groans dramatically. “I guess I can’t get rid of you, then.”

“Nope.” She smiles proudly, but it softens after a few seconds. “Seriously, though. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.”

It is nice of her to offer. But it’s hard to talk about the Neos to anyone outside of the Neos, because there’s so much messy history, and so much Chenle doesn’t feel like it’s his place to talk about. Yizhuo doesn’t know why Jeno left the band. Chenle’s not sure she even knows Renjun and Jeno used to date. Chenle’s never told her. She figures that something big must have gone down between Jeno and the others, but that’s it.

Chenle trusts that she could keep a secret if he told her about it, at least the things he felt like he could. He just never has.

She’s right. He doesn’t like to talk about shit.

The other Black Mamba girls find them eventually, and they all tell Chenle to tell Mark that they hope he feels better, just in case they don’t get the chance to tell him themselves. Aeri smirks and wiggles her eyebrows at him when she sees how close he and Yizhuo are standing, but Chenle chooses to ignore her. She’s as bad as Donghyuck is when it comes to wanting relationships to live vicariously through. The two of them probably called the tabloids themselves to start the rumor that Chenle and Yizhuo are dating.

Chenle can’t imagine the field day the tabloids are having right now. Doyoung is efficient, so Mark missing tonight’s concert and the postponement of tour dates is probably already public knowledge. He can’t wait to see how badly this is being blown out of proportion.

He feels bad for Mark, though. He knows Mark is going to be upset with himself for a very long time. He worries about Mark, too. He’s pretty sure this is a lot bigger than him just not getting enough sleep.

Shotaro knows when news of the postponement drops—Doyoung doesn’t waste any time—because Sungchan calls him. He knows before he even answers, because Sungchan only likes to call on their days off. He’s not like Yangyang, who has literally called Shotaro while he’s been onstage before.

Maybe that’s why it’s not that surprising when after Shotaro does answer, it’s Yangyang yelling at him and not Sungchan.

“Dude, what the fuck? Mark’s missing the show tonight? You guys are halting the tour? What’s going on?”

“Hi, Yangyang. Did you break your phone again?”

“No, bitch, you’re on speaker.”

“I tried to stop him,” Sungchan says—Shotaro thinks it’s Sungchan, at least. His voice is a bit muffled.

“Shotaro, what is happening?” Yangyang asks.

“Do you stalk all of our social media pages or something?” Shotaro asks.

“Of course not. I stalk Daily Shotaro Osaki on Twitter, which gives me all the band updates I need plus all of the hottest pictures of you on the internet.”

He could definitely be telling the truth. Shotaro wouldn’t even be surprised.

“Are you not content with having only one Neo ex?” a third voice says, and that sounds like Ten.

“There’s unrest in the masses, bro,” Yangyang says, ignoring him. “There are people out here having candlelit vigils.”

“There are not,” Sungchan insists.

“Hang on, are you guys here in Milwaukee?” Shotaro asks.

“Hell yeah,” Yangyang confirms. “We even got Sicheng to come, and all he listens to is blackened death metal.”

“Sicheng’s most listened to song on his phone is ‘Lollipop’ by the Chordettes,” Ten objects.

“It doesn’t fucking matter,” Yangyang says. “Taro, Mark’s not performing tonight.”

“He’s not?” Shotaro asks. “Wow, that’s crazy. I wonder why.”

“Alright, lose the sarcasm. Seriously, what the fuck? Is Mark, like, puking in every corner of a hotel room right now?”

Yangyang’s close enough with Mark to know how stubborn he is when it comes to work—and honestly, it’s not a secret. Many of their fans know it too. Mark wouldn’t miss a concert for just about anything. Shotaro’s sure that he and the other boys only saw the end of it, and that Doyoung and Jaemin spent most of the time while the others were still finishing soundcheck fighting with Mark trying to convince him that he needed to take the night off.

“Not exactly,” Shotaro says.

“He’s looked like shit lately,” Ten says.

“Is he dying?” The question comes from a fourth voice, and though this one is the most muffled, it doesn’t sound like Sicheng, which means it’s most likely Jungwoo.

“I don’t think so?” Shotaro replies.

“You don’t sound like you mean it,” someone says flatly—that’s Sicheng.

“I mean, I guess he could be. I doubt it, though.”

“What did you mean by ‘not exactly’, though?” Yangyang asks. “What’s going on with Mark?”

Shotaro laughs, not loud enough for them to be able to hear him over the line. That’s the exact question every member of the band has been asking. “As soon as I know, I’ll let you know,” he says.

“You’re such a liar,” Ten complains. “You don’t tell us shit.”

He has a point. Shotaro stays pretty tight-lipped about the band, despite how much some of their other friends want to know all the drama. He doesn’t like to gossip about his friends.

That doesn’t seem to stop anyone from trying to get information out of him, though. At least with these guys, Shotaro knows they’re genuinely concerned.

“This is all because you let Renjun’s ex come on tour with you, isn’t it?” Jungwoo says, his voice clearer and closer now. “I knew that was a bad idea. I don’t care how hot he is.”

“Dude,” Yangyang says in disapproval.

“I’m just saying,” Jungwoo says. Jungwoo doesn’t have the full story of Renjun and Jeno like Yangyang does, but Shotaro thinks the fact that Renjun rarely talked about Jeno before he came back says a lot.

“Are you guys okay?” Sungchan asks, and something in his voice makes Shotaro think that that’s all he called to ask before his phone was hijacked.

They all met Sungchan through Yangyang, but he’s been a friend of the band for a couple years now. He’s not as nosy as Yangyang and Ten and Jungwoo are, but he is as caring.

“More or less,” Shotaro says. “Mark just needs some time to rest, and we didn’t want to keep going without him.”

On paper—or on a computer or tablet or phone screen—that’s all it amounts to. That’s all the fans need to know. That’s all Shotaro really knows how to explain. The full truth is much more long and complicated, and it’s only half fashioned, from Shotaro’s viewpoint, at least. He doesn’t have all the facts.

Shotaro doesn’t like to gossip about his friends, and he doesn’t like to talk when he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He knows where that can lead.

“This isn’t the end for everyone’s favorite dysfunctional band, is it?” Yangyang asks. Someone laughs, but Shotaro thinks Yangyang is asking in complete seriousness.

“No,” Shotaro says confidently, at the same time that he’s thinking I hope not.

“Good.”

The phone call lasts about ten more minutes, and Shotaro spends most of that time listening to the other boys bicker with each other about what an accurate representation of the current fan reaction is. Shotaro doesn’t really need it. He’s been in this business long enough to be able to guess what the current fan reaction must be like. He knows most of the fans will be kind to them in the end.

And as apprehensive as Shotaro is feeling, he thinks the postponement is what they need. All of them, not just Mark. There’s a lot that needs to be put behind them, once and for all.

Renjun’s parents never wanted him to be part of a rock band. His future was too uncertain, they said. He should go to college and become a doctor or a lawyer or even a fucking accountant, something that would have at least a little job security. They fought a lot about it during his teenage years, and though he doesn’t doubt that they still love him, his relationship with them has never been quite the same.

Sometimes, when he’s feeling especially sorry for himself, he wonders if everything that has ever gone wrong within the band is his punishment for going against his parents’ wishes. He probably never would’ve dated Jeno if he’d stayed on track with his education. Maybe Jeno would’ve never left the band. The Neos would’ve become world famous and Renjun would’ve fondly remembered being friends with them in between removing appendixes or going through someone’s finances. Their issues would’ve theirs, and he would’ve had nothing to do with them.

He never would’ve forged stronger friendships in any other walk of life, however, he knows that. Even if they’re tearing each other apart. He wouldn’t be doing what he loves. He’d always be living with that regret, just a different type of hardship.

He reminds himself of that almost incessantly today. Listening to his parents wouldn’t have brought him eternal peace and happiness. And it wouldn’t have spared Mark now, unless the reason for his sleepless nights and strange behavior are somehow directly related to Renjun, and Renjun alone. Renjun doesn’t think so.

Maybe it’s not punishment, just balance. Renjun and the other boys are living a life most would be envious of. Adversity has to come from somewhere.

Renjun can’t say his parents were totally wrong, though. His future does feel very uncertain right now.

They still have a couple hours until showtime, and Jisung doesn’t really know where anyone is. They all went their own ways after they made the decision not to carry on without Mark, and Jisung’s been by himself, building up his courage. Now he’s wandering through the entire venue, trying to find who he’s looking for. This place is bigger than he thought it was. He could just text and ask, but he wants to ease his way into this.

And maybe he wants an easy escape just in case he chickens out.

He ends up finding Renjun, Shotaro, and Jeno before he finds his initial target. Jaemin always likes to find the most obscure corners of buildings to hide in when he’s upset. Jisung knows that because he knows Jaemin really, really well. Jisung and Jaemin were the first two Neos to meet each other. Any online quiz about the Neos will tell you that. Jaemin was Jisung’s first friend.

Jisung hates that he’s afraid to be around him these days.

In the end, Jisung almost misses him. He is, in fact, in the most obscure room in the building, and concealed by a table and a bunch of chairs, so that Jisung can only see his shoes. Jisung almost turns around and walks away, but he knows that’ll make him feel even worse than he already feels.

“Jaemin?”

“Jisungie?”

Jisung walks farther into the room, so he can actually see Jaemin’s face. “Yeah, it’s me. I, um, I was looking for you.”

“You could’ve texted. I would’ve told you where I was.”

“I—I know, I just…” He doesn’t have a good explanation, so he trails off and shuffles his feet awkwardly. Jaemin smiles knowingly.

“You’ve been acting very strange lately, Jisungie. Have I done something to offend you?”

Jisung can hear Shotaro in his ear, telling him to just come clean, that it won’t be that bad, that he didn’t do anything wrong. Now is the perfect time to say something. Instead, Jisung just shakes his head. “What?” he says. “No, no, of course you haven’t. Sorry, it’s just…things have been…tense lately.”

“That’s one way of putting it. What do you need, Jisungie?”

“Oh, I…I don’t need anything. I just, um…”

This is ridiculous. It’s just Jaemin. Jisung sighs and sits down on the ground in front of him.

“Look, I’d ask if you’re okay, but I already know you’re not, so let’s skip that part. How bad is it?”

“Me? Or him?”

Jisung smiles a little. “You can start with Mark, and we’ll go from there.”

Jaemin breathes in and leans his head back. “I don’t know, Jisungie. He hasn’t been sleeping, and I guess he hasn’t been eating, either. I mean, I knew he hasn’t had much of an appetite lately, but…I didn’t know it was this fucking bad.”

Jaemin sounds a little desperate, desperate for Jisung to believe him. Desperate to assuage his own guilt. Jaemin’s Mark’s best friend, the one who lives with him, the one who’s with him the most. He should’ve known how bad it was getting—he thinks he should’ve, anyway.

“Jaemin, you can’t follow him around constantly. It’s not your fault that you didn’t know.”

“I did know, though. I knew something was wrong.”

“We all knew that. He didn’t wanna talk about it. That’s not anyone’s fault.”

Jaemin closes his eyes, and Jisung can tell that that doesn’t make him feel better. Jisung didn’t really expect it to. It hardly makes Jisung feel better. In a way, he thinks they all saw this coming. Maybe not this exactly, but something was going to give eventually. There’s no point trying to place blame.

“Is there anything we can do?” Jisung asks.

“Just…be here, I guess. You know how he can be about asking for help.”

Jisung nods, thinking that over. “Are you gonna be okay to perform tonight?”

Jaemin gives him one of those smiles that say he’s being especially cute, but it’s a little subdued. Not quite up to its usual level of adoration.

“Oh, Jisungie, you’re sweet. But I’m not gonna bail on the concert just because—I don’t even know what my excuse is. I’m worried? We’re all worried. The fans are probably worried too, but I’m sure you won’t see them not showing up.”

“The fans don’t know him like you do.”

“I’ll be okay. We have to finish strong, we’re not gonna be performing for a while.”

Jisung knows it, but he feels like it hasn’t quite settled in yet. Part of him feels like this is all just a dream.

Jisung’s dreams are usually a lot weirder than this, though.

“I guess so. Is…is there anything I can do for you?”

Jaemin shakes his head. “Thank you, but no. But I’ll let you know if I think of anything, okay?”

“Okay.”

Jaemin smiles again, subtle and melancholy. “It’ll be okay, Jisungie.”

Jisung tries to smile back. “I came here to tell you that.”

Jaemin chuckles. “I appreciate that.” He pulls his phone out of his pocket to check the time. “We’ll have to get back for warm-ups soon.” He looks back up at Jisung curiously. “You sure there’s nothing else you wanna talk about?”

Jisung knows what Jaemin is getting at. He shakes his head. If Shotaro was here, he’d probably be banging his head against the wall.

“No. I’m good.”

Jaemin looks doubtful, but he nods anyway. Of course, there’s a very good chance he knows exactly what’s on Jisung’s mind, he just wants Jisung to be the first to bring it up. But that’s a can of worms Jisung just can’t open right now, not with what’s going on with Mark. Because truthfully, if anyone’s actually at fault for why Mark’s been shutting Jaemin out, it’s Jisung.

Jisung already feels bad enough right now. He can save some for other days.

Later, as Jisung gets ready to take the stage, he feels Mark’s absence like a physical sensation. They’ve performed without members before, but it’s never been like this.

He’s reminded of seven years ago, and standing in front of audiences one member short. He remembers their first performance after they’d officially announced that Jeno had left the band. That was a very different situation, and yet some of the things Jisung is feeling right now are the same.

He wonders if the others feel it too.

The concert goes well, all things considered. Chaeyoung stands in for Mark because Jeno doesn’t feel confident playing on all of the songs, and the crowd is as energetic as if there will never be another Neos concert again. They drag out encore even longer than they do at the final concert of a tour leg, and Donghyuck makes a whole speech about how they’ll be back in action before anyone knows it.

Doyoung gets them on their way to the hotel pretty fast once the concert’s done, and no one is complaining. They were supposed to be on the bus tonight.

At least they don’t have far to go to get back home.

Jaemin was more than willing to let Yuta stay with Mark all night, but Yuta texts him and tells him to get a keycard for whatever room Doyoung’s staying in and then come up and switch with him. Jaemin almost argues, tells him just to stay, it’s no big deal, but Jaemin is weak and so fucking worried.

He texts Yuta again when they get to the hotel, so Yuta’s waiting in the hallway for them when they get to their floor.

“He’s sleeping now,” Yuta says as he hands Jaemin the keycard.

“I’ll be quiet,” Jaemin promises. Yuta looks at him for a long time before he sighs and shakes his head. Jaemin’s not sure what that means.

“Goodnight, Jaemin,” Yuta says.

“Goodnight.” Jaemin and all the others slip inside their rooms without even congratulating each other on another good show, like they always do.

It’s extremely dark in the room, especially after just being out in the bright hallway, but Jaemin doesn’t dare turn any lights on. He moves around and prepares for bed as quietly as he possibly can; he can hear Mark’s steady breathing, and he doesn’t want to do anything to disturb him. Mark’s not necessarily a light sleeper, but Jaemin doesn’t want to take any chances. He’s in the clear until just before he crawls into bed. He knows Mark’s woken up just by the deeper inhale.

“Jaeminie?”

Jaemin wonders how he knows it’s him.

“Go back to sleep, Mark.”

“Everybody seems to think I’m lazy.”

Jaemin pauses and turns in Mark’s direction. “Mark, what are you talking about? No one thinks you’re lazy.” Jaemin hears something, and it takes him a moment to realize that Mark is laughing, very quietly. It hits him. “I don’t mind, I think they’re crazy. ‘I’m Only Sleeping.’ The Beatles.”

Mark laughs a little louder. Jaemin shakes his head. That’s exactly the type of joke Mark would find funny, even half asleep. And Jaemin’s really hopeless, because he thinks it’s a little funny too, though he thinks “I’m So Tired” might be a better representation of Mark’s current situation.

“Like I said: go back to sleep.”

“Wait, Jaeminie.”

There’s a shuffling sound, and Jaemin’s eyes are adjusted enough to the dark that he can see that Mark’s arm is flailing around in Jaemin’s direction.

“Where—where the fuck are you?”

Jaemin snickers and catches Mark’s hand with his own. Mark immediately starts tugging him towards the bed he’s occupying.

“Come here.”

Mark keeps tugging insistently, and Jaemin doesn’t really have any other choice. Mark scoots over so there’s room, and Jaemin crawls in next to him. Jaemin tries to keep his distance, but Mark pulls him into his arms at once, and Jaemin is so tired. They haven’t done this since the beginning of the European leg.

“How was the concert?” Mark asks.

“It was fine,” Jaemin replies. “I saw a lot of signs for you.”

“The fans move fast.”

“They do. And I guess Yangyang, Sicheng, Ten, Sungchan, and Jungwoo were all in the crowd.”

“Really? I’m sorry I missed it.”

“Don’t think about that. Listen, did Yuta…tell you anything?”

Doyoung was in contact with Yuta already and told him everything about the postponement of the tour, but Jaemin doesn’t know if Mark knows.

“Yeah. He told me I was an idiot.”

Jaemin frowns. “Yuta said you were an idiot?”

“Yeah.”

“Why did he say that?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Mark’s still not fully awake, Jaemin can tell, which means he’s probably not completely thinking through everything he’s saying. For all Jaemin knows, maybe Mark just dreamed Yuta called him an idiot. Jaemin lets it go.

“Okay.”

“Is there something else he should’ve told me?”

“No…no, nothing. Go back to sleep.” Jaemin will save that news for tomorrow, if Mark really doesn’t know. And he probably doesn’t. He’d probably be up fighting with Doyoung right now if he did. Mark will work himself to death someday. He never wants to stop for a single second. Jaemin admires his dedication, but it scares him sometimes too.

Mark hums and then falls quiet and still, and Jaemin thinks he’s fallen back asleep. At least he is sleeping. Jaemin starts to drift himself, but he’s brought back by Mark suddenly saying his name.

“Yes?” Jaemin says.

There’s a pause long enough that Jaemin starts to think that maybe he imagined Mark speaking, but finally Mark says, “I’m glad you’re here.”

Jaemin doesn’t know why that makes him so unbearably sad. There’s an ache in his chest that flares up, and for a moment he’s certain that, for no reason at all, he’s going to cry. He doesn’t, but he’s unable to say anything in response. He just holds onto Mark tighter and hopes that says enough.

But Mark might actually be asleep this time, so maybe it doesn’t matter.

Jaemin closes his eyes again. Tomorrow is going to be a very long day. Mark’s not going to be happy.

Jaemin doesn’t care if Mark never forgives any of them. He just wants Mark to be okay.

Donghyuck sends Jisung with Shotaro himself tonight. He doesn’t mind being with Jeno right now. Better Donghyuck than anyone else. Donghyuck can calm his own nerves, soothe his own fears.

Mark will be fine, one way or another. Jaemin will take care of him. All of the boys will be fine, one way or another.

He has to believe that, otherwise all of this will have been for nothing.

Chapter Text

Mark takes the news of postponement much better than anyone could’ve anticipated. He’s disappointed, and he apologizes a million times, but he doesn’t fight it. He accepts it with grace.

That scares Jeno more than anything else about this has. It must be bad if Mark’s not making any sort of protest.

They get to take their time going home, at least. They only have a three hour drive, roughly, as opposed to a flight lasting the better part of a day, and they don’t have a deadline, so they can go slowly. It’s nice to not be in a rush.

Jeno goes back to Doyoung’s place, as usual. Doyoung has no time for rest. He’s been on the phone the entire ride home, and as soon as he’s through his front door he’s pacing around the living room, still talking to who knows who, the thousandth person he’s spoken to today. Jeno goes upstairs so he won’t disturb him, and also so he won’t have to listen to it. He thinks he’ll call Yeeun later, when she’s likely to be awake. He’s sure she already knows about the postponement, as big of a fan as she is, but it’ll be nice just to talk to her.

He’s not sure what happens now for him. To be fair, he’s not sure what happens now for any of them. There’s still a lot that seems to be up in the air. He wonders what Mark’s going through right now. It’s strange how this feels a little like it was inevitable. Mark has always pushed himself too hard. Jeno could see it even when he wasn’t with the band. And maybe Jeno doesn’t know Mark as well as he used to, but it seems clear there’s something else underneath all of this, too. He hopes Mark’s finding a way to deal with whatever it is, or that he will find a way. Maybe it sounds dramatic, but Jeno doesn’t think the Neos could go on without their leader. Mark brought the band to life. It couldn’t survive without him.

Not that Jeno thinks it will come to that, of course. Mark just needs some rest. That’s all. Everything will work out in the end.

If he thinks it enough, maybe it’ll come true.

Renjun returns to his house to find Yangyang splayed out on the couch watching TV like he owns the place. Renjun figured there was a fifty-fifty chance he’d still be here when Renjun got back. He can be as bad as Chenle sometimes when it comes to invading Renjun’s home. (“We basically have joint custody of this place,” Yangyang always insists. “You are not paying my mortgage,” Renjun says back.) Renjun doesn’t really mind. Yangyang’s a low maintenance houseguest, and he’s willing to buy groceries when he eats all of Renjun’s food. And Renjun could use some company right now.

“So I hear you were at the concert last night,” Renjun says. “You didn’t even come say hi?”

“Doyoung would never let me backstage,” Yangyang says. “For the band members’ safety.”

“You’re probably right. I’ve heard you have a tendency to break into the home of one of the members.”

“Oh, funny. I think you’re gonna have some trouble getting the authorities to listen to your story when they find out you’re paying me to water your plants and shit.”

“I’m impressed you haven’t killed them all.”

“You’re such a dick.”

Renjun goes over to the couch to sit next to him, though Yangyang’s admittedly not leaving him much room. He feels like all of his limbs are made of jelly, and he’s not really sure why.

“Tough day yesterday, huh?” Yangyang says, turning the volume down on the TV.

“I heard you already worked all the details out of Shotaro.”

“Yeah, right. Bare minimum, more like. He’s very secretive, have you noticed?”

“I guess.” Renjun doesn’t know if “secretive” is the exact word he would’ve chosen, but it’s not necessarily a bad description. But he’s no worse than anyone else in the band, something Yangyang’s well aware of. “In his defense, none of us really know that much. Mark passed out during soundcheck yesterday, and he’s been so exhausted lately that we all decided it was probably for the best to take a break. A longer break than the last one.”

“But you don’t know what’s been keeping him up at night.” It’s not a question. The two of them already discussed this a bit during their last break. “You still think it has something to do with Jaemin?”

Renjun nods. “Maybe not just Jaemin, but…Jaemin has to have something to do with it. Mark hasn’t been acting like himself around him.”

“So the odds of them boning on or before Mark’s birthday are looking pretty low, huh?”

Renjun hits Yangyang on the leg. “This is serious.”

“I’m serious, I am. You know I feel bad that Mark’s all fucked up or whatever.”

“You have such a way with words.”

“And I feel bad that Mark and Jaemin are weird with each other right now. And it’s not just because I have money on the line.”

“How nice of you to care.”

“Can you shut up? I’m trying to be sincere.”

“I’m sorry.”

Yangyang rolls his eyes. “Anyway, I do feel bad about all of this. You guys are my friends.”

Renjun looks up at the ceiling. “I feel bad, too.”

Ever since yesterday, Renjun’s had the feeling that there was more he could’ve done, steps he could’ve taken to prevent this. There’s even a tiny and incredibly bitter part of him that’s saying none of this would’ve happened if they’d refused to let Jeno come along. He doesn’t actually believe that’s true. Jeno’s just an easy scapegoat.

“You look like you could use some rest yourself,” Yangyang says. “You get any sleep last night?”

“Sure, some. It’s just touring, you know? It tires everyone out, even if we didn’t finish the leg.”

Yangyang surely knows he’s only being half truthful, but he nods anyway. “Right. I get it.”

Something about the fact that Yangyang’s willing to just play along takes away some of Renjun’s resolve. He doesn’t know why he’s still so dedicated to pretending everything’s fine—or as fine as it can be right now—when it’s obviously not. Or maybe that’s just the effect Yangyang himself has on him. It’s always been easy to be around Yangyang, to talk to him, even back when they were first getting to know each other. In fact, it might’ve been easier then than it was later on, once things were getting more and more serious, more and more real. That’s what scared Renjun.

“Last night was tough,” he admits.

“If you wanna talk about it, I don’t have anywhere else to be today.”

“I suppose that means you’re not leaving, huh?”

“You love it when I’m here, and you know it. Your life would be so boring without me.”

“You’re right. Living as a member of a world famous band is so mundane.”

Yangyang grins. “I knew it. But seriously, I’ve got all day. Even if you just wanna bitch about your shitty ex-boyfriend.”

“He’s actually been a lot better recently. Ever since Jaemin told him he doesn’t love him.”

Yangyang’s eyes widen. “Jaemin told him that?”

“Oh, that’s right, I never told you about that. Yeah, I guess so.”

“Well, he had to have known, right? I mean, I spent like four months thinking Jaemin and Mark were dating before you told me otherwise.”

“Yeah, he knew, just…now he’s heard it, you know? Straight from Jaemin, too. Maybe that’s what he needed.”

Renjun still has a lot of very confusing feelings about Jeno right now. He can see that Jeno’s trying to fix things, and he can respect that, but there’s still this hurt that won’t go away that sometimes mingles with something more sentimental and forgiving, leaving him at odds with himself. He would like to be able to move on, but he’s not sure he even knows what that means anymore.

“I’ll take your word for it. I still don’t trust him.”

“You’ve met him literally once. For a couple minutes, barely.”

“And that was not nearly long enough for him to have won my heart, was it?”

Renjun chuckles. “Alright, fair enough. But at least he’s trying.”

“Is Chenle warming up to him at all?”

Though Yangyang has never actually seen Chenle and Jeno interact, Chenle’s dislike of Jeno is no secret these days to anyone but the fans. Yangyang knows about it even if he and Chenle aren’t particularly close. Renjun can tell that the question isn’t even that serious, and Yangyang already has an answer he’s expecting. The correct answer, as well.

“Not even a little.”

It’s really unfortunate, the friendship that was lost there. Though Chenle would certainly deny it now, Renjun can remember how much he used to look up to Jeno. Though it’s sometimes worrisome how angry Chenle is, Renjun can understand it, and he can’t make Chenle like Jeno. That would hardly be fair, considering Renjun doesn’t even know how he feels about Jeno himself.

“Didn’t think so.”

Renjun almost says something ridiculous, like “he’ll come around eventually” or “he just needs a little more time”, but not only will Yangyang know he’s full of shit, Yangyang will know he knows Yangyang knows he’s full of shit. There’s no point to it.

He thinks about Shotaro saying the band motto is “I’m fine”, something he’s been thinking about a lot lately. Sometimes it seems like all any of the Neos do is lie.

“I don’t know if Chenle will ever warm up to Jeno,” Renjun says, completely honestly. “It might be too late for that.”

There are two other members of the band that Renjun’s starting to think aren’t warming up to Jeno either, though their feelings are more complicated than Chenle’s are, and they aren’t loud and proud about it like Chenle is. In fact, they’ve both been good enough at hiding it that they’ve had Renjun fooled, in a way.

“That Chenle,” Yangyang says, and Renjun has no idea what exactly he means by that—though something tells him it’s significant—but before he can ask about it, Yangyang adds, “And what about Mark?”

Renjun raises an eyebrow. “What about him?”

“Whatever’s up with him…does that have anything to do with your ex-band mate and ex-boyfriend being back?”

“No.” That’s Renjun’s honest belief as well. “At least…not majorly. Whatever’s going on with Mark…that’s something else.”

Something they’ve all been trying to get to the bottom of and all been unsuccessful at identifying. Now with the whole tour put on hold, Mark might finally have to start talking.

“Jesus, there’s no fucking end to the drama with you guys. You could have your own soap opera.”

“We just like to keep things interesting.”

“You’re doing a spectacular job.”

Renjun chuckles, because there is something funny about all of it. Or maybe he’s just tired and loopy. But laughing is better than worrying. Renjun needs a break from all the worrying.

“You feel like getting something to eat?” he asks. “I’m starving, and I don’t feel like cooking.”

Renjun usually can’t convince Yangyang to cook for him like he can convince Chenle, either.

“Are you buying?”

“I should’ve fucking known you’d ask that. Yeah, I guess so.”

“Then I’m in.”

Of course he is. Renjun gets up from the couch, his jelly limbs protesting. They won’t talk about the Neos’ many issues at lunch; he’ll insist on it. There will be plenty of time to talk about all of that. Renjun has a feeling they won’t be getting back on the road until at least most of those issues are dealt with.

This has been a long time coming.

Yuta comes over, and he and Mark lock themselves in Mark’s room for over an hour. The temptation to listen outside the door is unimaginable, but Jaemin’s not going to stoop that fucking low. He’d probably just end up hearing something he didn’t want to, anyway. Yuta finally comes down and talks with Jaemin for a little while before he leaves, but Mark stays locked away even longer, and Jaemin doesn’t disturb him, just in case he’s trying to sleep again. Jaemin does a lot of pointless tasks to pass the time, and he’s in the middle of reading the same page of a book for the fifth time when Mark finally shows himself. Jaemin just keeps pretending to be reading.

“Do you know how hard it is to make a doctor’s appointment, even around here?” Mark asks quietly, sitting on the couch. Jaemin looks up.

“Medical professionals are busy people.”

“I know.” Mark doesn’t say anything else for a while, and Jaemin holds onto the questions he’s dying to ask. Many of them he’s asked countless times before. If Mark wants to talk, he will. If he doesn’t, he won’t. Jaemin will be okay with either option. Mark couldn’t possibly not know that Jaemin’s willing to listen, willing to talk about anything, so there’s not much left for Jaemin to say.

“You guys should’ve gone on without me,” Mark says finally. He’s picking at his thumbnail.

“We would’ve sucked without you,” Jaemin says. “Remember when we first started playing without Jeno, and nobody knew how to function? Would’ve been like that.”

“I didn’t quit the band, Jaeminie.”

“Mark, two days of you sitting here at home while the rest of us were off performing and we would’ve shown up at our next venue to find you already there. I would’ve had to hire Sicheng to come stay at the house again just to make sure you didn’t leave. At least this way there’s a chance of you getting some rest.”

Mark looks sheepish, like he knows Jaemin’s right. “I’m still sorry. I didn’t want to have to stop the whole tour.”

“It happens. It’s better that we stop than something more serious happens to you.”

Mark smiles, very small, a little sad, but grateful at the same time. Jaemin’s resolve weakens a little, and he almost asks one of the same questions he’s been asking since the beginning of the year, if Mark’s okay, if there’s anything he wants to talk about, but he holds his tongue. He knows Mark’s not okay. He knows more and more pestering won’t make him any likelier to speak. Maybe he’s already told Yuta everything, and they’re dealing with it together. Jaemin honestly hopes that he has, because at least that would mean he’s not keeping it all trapped inside.

Mark says Jaemin’s name, barely louder than a whisper.

“Yes?”

Jaemin can practically see the debate Mark has with himself over whether or not he should speak. Jaemin waits, letting him decide on his own. He’s so expecting Mark to just tell him to forget it that he’s nearly shocked when instead Mark says, “Remind me why we’re doing this.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Jaeminie. It used to feel good, you know? Doing all the shows and releasing the albums and writing the songs, being in a band. It was what I always wanted.”

Jaemin hesitates. “How does it feel now?”

The exhaustion in Mark’s eyes gives Jaemin his answer before Mark himself does.

“Doesn’t feel like much of anything.”

Jaemin swallows, trying to keep his emotions off of his face. “Have you talked to anyone else about this?”

“Yuta, a little. He wants me to get the number of Jisung’s therapist.”

“That’s not a bad idea. If it’s affecting you this much…”

He expects Mark to protest and say that he’ll be fine, but Mark surprises him again by nodding. “I know,” he says. “Jisung’s therapist probably already knows way too much shit about me, though.”

Jaemin laughs quietly. “She probably knows way too much about all of us. But there are other therapists.”

“Yeah. I guess there are.”

There’s something so lost about Mark’s expression, even in its relative neutrality. Jaemin can finally give a reason to it. He doesn’t ask why Mark didn’t tell him about this sooner, though he does wonder. But he already has some ideas. He doesn’t want to make Mark feel worse.

Mark exhales and runs a hand down his face. “I’m sorry, Jaemin.”

“For what?”

“For worrying everyone. For fucking up the tour. For not being able to get my shit together.” Mark shrugs. “I’m just sorry.”

Jaemin gets up from the recliner he’s occupying and goes to sit next to Mark on the couch. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Mark. Okay? This isn’t your fault.”

Mark drops his face into both of his hands, and, voice muffled by his palms, he says, “I’m so fucking tired, Jaeminie.”

Jaemin doesn’t think he just means literally.

Mark will work himself to death someday.

Jaemin wraps an arm around Mark’s shoulders. “We’ll figure this out. Whatever you need, we’ll figure it out. We’ve got nothing but time.”

They can make up the concerts anytime, after another ten years if they have to. Jaemin really doesn’t give a fuck. This is far more important.

Mark slowly lays his head on Jaemin’s shoulder and doesn’t protest, doesn’t insist that they need to be back on the road as soon as possible, that there’s work that still needs to be done, that they can’t just stop. It’s nice not to have to argue with him, but it’s concerning at the same time. Mark’s never like this.

But they can’t go on ignoring this. Mark can’t go on ignoring this. He must finally be realizing that.

“We’ll figure this out,” Jaemin repeats. He hopes he sounds reassuring.

Mark wraps his arms around Jaemin’s waist, and Jaemin closes his eyes, just for a moment. He’s tired too. He has been for a long time.

He hopes they’ve already hit rock bottom. He’s so sick of falling. He wants to be on solid ground.

There are really bad vibes in Jisung and Chenle’s house these days. Jisung almost regrets being home. It’s a terrible way to feel, but he can’t help it. It’s not solely Chenle’s fault—he’s not much fun to be around right now, sure, but neither is Jisung. And together they’re creating an atmosphere that’s nearly unbearable. Chenle’s mad and Jisung’s on edge, and neither one of them really wants to talk about it.

Jisung’s never talked to Chenle about the things that are bothering him now because back when they were most relevant, Chenle had his hands full with Renjun, and Jisung didn’t want to be another thing for him to worry about. Jisung knows what’s bothering Chenle—besides just Jeno in general—but Chenle always has to be in the right frame of mind to want to talk about anything serious, unless he’s just ranting. He has not been in the right frame of mind since the beginning of the year.

Chenle never takes his anger out on Jisung, but sometimes Jisung still feels like he needs to walk on eggshells around him. Not because he’s worried Chenle will start taking his anger out on him, but because he knows Chenle’s anger is just a defense mechanism. It’s easy for him to be mad. It’s easy for him to be mad at Jeno.

Easier to be mad at Jeno than who he’s really mad at.

Chenle looks at Jisung like he’s walking on eggshells too sometimes. He’s probably worried he’ll do something to send him into a panic. It’s not just Chenle. All of the boys are so delicate with Jisung sometimes. Like he’s porcelain that’s already cracked. Jisung will always be the youngest, no matter how old he gets. Shy and sensitive. Anxious all the time. Sad for no reason sometimes.

Jisung can be mean and nasty and spiteful, just like all of them can. Jisung’s not mad now, not like Chenle is. Seven years ago…seven years ago was a different story.

(Jeno started skipping rehearsals. They didn’t talk much about it after he was gone, after they all knew why he’d been doing it, but that was after.)

“You okay, kid?” Chenle asks, appearing from upstairs. Chenle always likes to act like the few months between them are decades. Jisung stopped saying anything about it a long time ago.

Jisung shrugs. “I’m as okay as everyone is right now, I guess.”

“Fair enough.”

“Are you okay?”

Chenle is tense, his fists clenched, his lips pulled into a subtle frown. Even the way he sits down on the couch seems stiff somehow.

“About the same as you.” He bites at the fingernails of his right hand.

Jisung is not very good at comforting people, he’ll be the first to admit it. He tries, but he can never seem to find the right words. And in spite of how close they are, Chenle is especially hard for him to cheer up or reassure.

But he tried with Jaemin.

“It’ll be alright. Mark’s tough. And we’ve gotten through worse than this.”

Chenle snorts. “We sure have, haven’t we? We’re still getting through it to this day.”

Jisung grimaces. He opened that door himself, but the last thing he wants to do is talk about Jeno right now. “I’m trying to be positive,” he says.

“I know, but you’re really bad at it.”

Jisung sighs. “I know.”

Chenle smiles crookedly. “I appreciate the effort, Jisung. But I don’t know if we’re gonna be able to fool each other today.”

“Do you really think it’s that bad?”

“I think we’re gonna find out.” Chenle shakes his head. “We never should’ve let Jeno come with us.”

“I don’t think this is his fault.”

“Maybe not, but I don’t think he’s helping. Do you really think it’s a coincidence that this happened on the first tour he’s been a part of in seven years?”

Jisung doesn’t know. But he knows what Chenle’s going to believe regardless.

“Hey, why don’t we invite Renjun over for dinner or something?” Jisung says, somehow both changing the subject and not at the same time. “You’ll feel better if you can annoy him and not just me.”

He’s hoping to at least make Chenle chuckle, but it doesn’t work. “No,” Chenle says, serious. “Yangyang’s gonna be at his place for a couple days. We should leave them alone.”

“How do you know that?”

Chenle doesn’t answer. Deep down, Jisung doesn’t need him to.

“You asked him to, didn’t you?”

Once again, Chenle is quiet, just staring at his bitten fingernails.

“You know, Renjun thinks you don’t like him.”

“I know.”

“Why don’t you just go over there?”

“Jisung.” Chenle gives him a hard, almost warning look. Jisung knows he’s straddling a line right now. Not the right frame of mind.

Chenle has been in the right frame of mind in the past, and he’s talked enough for Jisung to sort of understand. But this isn’t easy for Jisung to watch.

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s…it’s fine.”

Jisung’s not sure that it is. But he doesn’t know what he can do.

“We can invite Taro instead,” Chenle says. “He makes everyone feel better.”

That’s true. Jisung doesn’t think he’s ever met anyone who doesn’t like Shotaro. He attracts people like a magnet. It’s impressive to a wallflower like Jisung. It’s how Jisung and Shotaro became friends in the first place, because it certainly wouldn’t have happened if it had all been left to Jisung. Jisung probably wouldn’t have even been brave enough to introduce himself.

“And he actually helps me cook,” Chenle says, looking at Jisung pointedly.

“You don’t let me in the kitchen.”

“For good reason.”

Jisung crosses his arms. “You can’t whine about me not helping you cook if you don’t want me to help you cook.”

That makes Chenle snicker, and Jisung takes that as a good sign. If Shotaro does come over, at least that means that Chenle probably won’t be grumpy all night long. And Jisung won’t have as much of a chance to get sucked into his thoughts.

Jisung is well aware that he’s just pushing his problems off to another day. He’s very good at that. But as for right now, he doesn’t care.

Yuta and Taeyong come knocking on the door a little after six, and Doyoung has just enough time to tell Jeno that he’s on his own for dinner before they’re dragging him out of the house. There’s no car in the driveway, meaning they’re not going far, and Doyoung doesn’t bother asking. In only a couple minutes, they’ve reached their destination. Jihyo and Nayeon’s place it is. Sana’s already there, and Doyoung thinks he can smell pizza even though he can’t see it yet.

“Oh my God, you actually got him to come?” Nayeon says when she sees Doyoung.

“He didn’t even need convincing,” Yuta says, like he’s proud.

“There’s no point fighting you two,” Doyoung says, gesturing between Yuta and Taeyong.

“Just be happy it was us,” Taeyong says, “and not Nayeon and Jihyo.”

“Hey, we’re always perfectly nice to Doyoung,” Nayeon protests. “It’s not our fault he’s no fun.”

“Thank you, Nayeon,” Doyoung says.

“You’re welcome.”

“You don’t have to listen to her, Doie,” Sana says with a smile. “She married another workaholic.”

“And she can hear everything you’re saying, so be careful,” Jihyo calls from another room. Sana laughs. A moment later, Jihyo appears. “There’s food in the kitchen, everyone. Have at it.”

The atmosphere is light as they all get food and drinks and find spots around the living room to sit and eat, but Doyoung knows they’re not all here just to hang out. Not on a night like tonight. It isn’t long before the topic that’s on everyone’s minds is broached, albeit indirectly.

“Nice to be home, isn’t it?” Nayeon says, irony in her voice. Nayeon’s never one to shy away from difficult topics.

“At least this didn’t happen right in the middle of winter,” Jihyo says with a sigh.

“It seems fitting, doesn’t it?” Nayeon asks. “It’s been an ugly tour from the beginning.”

Though Nayeon understands why Doyoung never gave up on trying to get Jeno to come back to the band, Doyoung knows she’s never agreed with it. They’ve clashed a bit because of it over the years, but generally they’ve just agreed to disagree. Doyoung can see her point of view as well, is sympathetic to it, even. They all have members of the band that they’re closer to than others, and Nayeon adores Renjun. And Renjun adores Nayeon too, so he’s probably had deeper conversations about what happened between him and Jeno with her than he ever has with Doyoung, Jeno’s brother. Doyoung gets that. In fact, that’s why Doyoung’s had such a hard time with this whole thing right from the beginning. He’s always had a responsibility to his family, but Jeno hasn’t been his only family in the band for a very long time. They are all his family now.

In spite of their differing opinions on the matter, Doyoung can’t disagree with Nayeon right now. Even people watching from the sidelines couldn’t disagree with her. This tour has not been pretty.

Perhaps it’s terrible of him, but Doyoung was never expecting it to be. He wasn’t expecting this, but he knew Jeno coming along on tour would bring a lot of bumps in the road. It would’ve been ridiculous to think otherwise.

“I thought the boys have seemed to be getting along okay lately,” Sana says. “Better than they have been, at least.”

“Chenle still kinda seems like he wants to kill Jeno,” Taeyong points out.

“But Renjun doesn’t. That has to count for something.”

“They’re not as angry as they have been,” Yuta says thoughtfully. “I don’t know if that means they’re getting along better.”

He’s frowning slightly, like he’s thinking about something he doesn’t quite understand. Yuta knows more than he’s told anyone, he’s admitted to that. Doyoung made the decision to send him back to the hotel with Mark yesterday, and he made it purposefully. Yuta came to the room he shared with Doyoung last night with not much to say but a lot clearly on his mind. Doyoung was tired enough that he didn’t ask too many questions.

“Maybe not,” Sana says.

“You were with Mark most of yesterday,” Taeyong says to Yuta. “Did you learn anything?”

“Some things,” Yuta says, and Doyoung’s sure he’s being vague on purpose. “Mark’s not in a great place right now, mentally. I think he’s been hoping to just push through it.”

Doyoung doesn’t think this is what Yuta was talking about that night on the bus, so many weeks ago now. Whatever Yuta knew—or didn’t know, Yuta’s voice supplies in Doyoung’s own head—is something other than this.

They all already knew Mark hasn’t been doing well, but Yuta makes it sound very serious. He’s talking about more than Mark just being stressed out or tired.

“I talked a little more to him today,” Yuta continues. “He was gonna make a doctor’s appointment, maybe try to get in to see a therapist. Honestly think it wouldn’t hurt the whole band to do that.”

“Well, this is a start,” Jihyo says.

“Mark’s not the only one who’s been behaving strangely,” Doyoung says, very gently, not wanting to upset anyone, but he looks at Jihyo significantly, and he knows she knows what he means.

“Donghyuck doesn’t tell his older sister everything,” Jihyo says regretfully. “I’m sure you know what that’s like.”

Jeno has kept many secrets from Doyoung over the years. Yes, Doyoung knows what that’s like.

“I’ve been trying to get him to talk to me,” she says, “but he talks when he feels like it. And it’s hard to know what’s going on in his head sometimes.”

Doyoung figures it’s only worse for him. Donghyuck’s always been a little bit of a mystery to him, maybe because he was the last to join the band and he and Jeno weren’t friends during their school years, so Doyoung didn’t spend as much time with him before the band as the other boys.

“He took it hard when Jeno left,” Taeyong says. “I was surprised he was so eager to have him back.”

Doyoung was too. Everything about the way Donghyuck has been acting around Jeno has been surprising. Doyoung was surprised Jeno slept with Donghyuck, but that surprise goes for both of them.

But, like Mark, Donghyuck’s been acting strangely since before they all met up with Jeno for the first time. Jeno’s just made it more noticeable.

“Yeah,” Jihyo agrees. She’s frowning like Yuta. For a second, Doyoung thinks she’s going to say something else, but she doesn’t. Nayeon’s hand finds hers, even as they both continue to eat, and it could be purely coincidental, but Doyoung’s not sure.

“I guess we have plenty of time now to try to get to the bottom of everything,” Taeyong says. Doyoung feels like they’ve been trying to get to the bottom of everything for years, maybe since before Jeno even left. There’s always something, one question or another. One problem or another. And most of the boys are like Donghyuck. They talk when they feel like it.

They really do all need therapy. Doyoung probably does too.

“Don’t look so sad, Doie,” Sana says. He didn’t realize she was watching him. He also didn’t realize he looked sad. “It’ll be okay.”

She speaks with such assurance that it’s like she’s peeked into the future and seen that everything turns out alright. But that’s just Sana. Her glass is always half full. Doyoung would like to believe her. But he’s been uncertain for a while now.

He knows without a doubt that there would not be a band anymore if not for the people in this room. He wonders if they can hold it together one more time.

Chapter Text

The atmosphere is noticeably off when they all get together for Taeyong’s birthday. Taeyong insists on not calling it a party because he doesn’t think anyone’s in the partying mood—and he’s definitely right about that—but they still gather at Mark and Jaemin’s house and shower the birthday boy in gifts and at least try to pretend everyone’s not miserable. Some of them are better at it than others.

It’s been a few days since Jaemin gave them all some actual information about what’s been going on with Mark (“Mark’s depressed,” Jaemin said over the phone. “No shit,” Renjun replied. “No, I mean Mark literally has depression. He’s been put on antidepressants.”), and though it wasn’t good news, it was nice to at least have some answers. Renjun’s honestly surprised no one guessed. They’ve been through this once already with Jisung, and though he’s definitely better than he was in his late teens, he still has bad days every once in a while. Renjun can see the similarities now as clear as day.

But it’s being addressed now. Renjun has to look on the bright side of things.

And ironically enough, Mark seems to be in a better mood than most of the other Neos tonight. He’s still fairly quiet and subdued—certainly not the life of the not-party—but it can’t be denied that, in one way or another, most of the other boys are worse.

Renjun’s stealing a second piece of cake when Mark apparently has the same idea, and Renjun can see that he still looks so tired, but he smiles genuinely when he sees Renjun.

“Hey, dude,” he says.

“Hey, Mark. How are you doing?” Renjun keeps his voice casual. He’s talked to Mark a bit since Jaemin’s call, but Mark still hasn’t been big on really opening up. But he’s probably had a lot of people inquiring about his well-being lately, and maybe he’s been talking more to some of them, so Renjun’s being as understanding as he can be. He knows he still has to be patient.

“Okay, I guess. I think I might be doing better than some of the others.”

Renjun chuckles. “You noticed that too?”

“I mean…Shotaro seems to be okay?”

“Oh, you can’t bring Taro down.”

“Yeah. But the others…”

Renjun nods because he really doesn’t need Mark to say anything else. Mark looks down at his piece of cake, picking at the frosting with his plastic fork.

“And it really hasn’t started tonight, has it?” Mark says.

Renjun shakes his head. “No.”

“Chenle’s…really mad these days, huh?” Mark is hesitant, like he might hurt Renjun by saying it or something. Or perhaps he thinks Renjun might get defensive. After all, if there’s anyone who could understand Chenle being mad, it’s Renjun.

“Yeah. He’s still mad at Jeno, but I think there might be something else he’s not telling me. I’m a little worried, actually.”

Renjun hasn’t voiced his worries about Chenle out loud to anyone yet. He still can’t fully explain them. All he has is a feeling that says Chenle’s a little too angry, full of a little too much spite.

“Yeah?”

“I know he doesn’t like Jeno, but…he’s just too mad, you know? Like there’s something else he’s mad about, too. I just…feel like there’s something else. I don’t know, maybe that sounds stupid.”

“No, that doesn’t sound stupid. I can definitely see why you would think that.”

“I don’t really know how to bring it up. Any time we talk about Jeno, he just wants to talk about what Jeno did to me. Or he doesn’t wanna talk about Jeno at all. And if I push too much…”

“He’ll pull away,” Mark finishes for him. He knows that about Chenle as well as any of the boys do.

“I don’t even need him to tell me what’s wrong, I just need him to leave Jeno alone. Jeno’s never gonna have a chance to fix anything with anyone like this.”

Chenle and Jeno have been snapping at each other again tonight, nothing too serious, but enough to make their displeasure with each other clear. It’s probably why Mark brought Chenle up in the first place. Renjun can’t even blame Jeno for it. He thinks Jeno’s just tired of Chenle being so cold to him, especially now that he’s at least trying to make amends. Renjun doesn’t know if his own relationship with Jeno can be saved or not, but he thinks some of the other boys’ can be. But not like this.

Mark nods. “Yeah.”

Renjun thinks Mark ultimately wants them all to be able to patch things up with Jeno if they want to. He doesn’t think Mark himself is particularly mad at Jeno anymore. Maybe still a little hurt by the way he left, but not angry.

“And maybe I’m just reading too much into things, and he just…really doesn’t like Jeno. Simple as that.”

“I know the feeling. About maybe reading too much into things, I mean.”

Renjun raises his eyebrows. “Oh?”

Mark takes a moment to respond. “I, um…I’m worried about Jaemin.”

“You’re worried about Jaemin?” Renjun doesn’t mean to sound quite as surprised as he does, but that’s not really something he was expecting Mark to say given how weird he’s been acting around Jaemin lately. Jaemin has been worried about Mark, and Mark’s given him good reason to be. Renjun didn’t realize it went both ways.

“Yeah. This whole thing with Jeno, the shit that happened at the party that night…I don’t think he’s ever really dealt with it, you know? I mean, I know it was a long time ago, but…”

But Jeno cut Jaemin deep. And Renjun had actually been thinking the same thing. He should’ve figured Mark would’ve noticed, would’ve noticed long before Renjun did, even with the strange disconnect between him and Jaemin right now. Renjun has seen the way Jaemin smiles around Jeno, even now that Jeno’s apologized. They never reach his eyes.

Jaemin still looks at Renjun sometimes like he’s guilty.

“You know what?” Renjun says. “I’ll make you a deal. You talk to Chenle about laying off Jeno, and I’ll see if Jaemin will talk to me about…whatever’s on his mind.”

“You wanna Strangers on a Train our concerns?”

Renjun rolls his eyes. “I’m not asking you to kill Chenle. I just think he might be more likely to listen to you.”

Mark snorts. “Right.”

“What?”

“You know how Doyoung gets Chenle to do stuff he doesn’t want to do?”

Renjun shrugs. “Nags at him until he gets annoyed?”

“Oh, shit, you really don’t know. Um, you should ask Doyoung about that sometime. Seriously.”

“Okay? Are you willing to talk to Chenle, though?”

“Sure, but…” Mark looks carefully at Renjun though he’s trying to appear nonchalant. “Is it gonna be weird for you to talk to Jaemin about this?”

Is it going to be weird? Probably. It’s always weird whenever Renjun and Jaemin talk about Jeno. That’s why they typically don’t. But Renjun’s starting to think it’s not doing them any favors. There’s something between him and Jaemin that needs to be fixed, uncomfortable as it might be.

“Yeah.” Renjun’s trying to be more honest these days. “But I’ll get over it. I think he will too.”

They’re going to have to, Renjun thinks.

“Okay.” Mark sounds like he might understand some of the things Renjun hasn’t even said. “Then yeah, I’ll talk to Chenle. You wanna do it, like, now?”

“No. Not tonight. Let’s save that for when it isn’t someone’s birthday.”

“That’s fair.”

Renjun’s not sure if Mark was going to say anything else or not because Donghyuck comes into the room then, and he smiles like he hasn’t seen either of them in years. Renjun does not understand him. The way he goes hot and cold with the members is something Renjun just can’t figure out. He’s been good tonight, definitely more upbeat than a lot of people here, but something about it has seemed just a little bit forced, and Renjun thinks Mark might’ve noticed it too, considering he only mentioned Shotaro when he was talking about who has seemed okay tonight.

Renjun worries about Donghyuck like he worries about Chenle. Maybe he needs to get Mark to talk to him too, because he hasn’t wanted to talk to Renjun.

“Hi, you two,” Donghyuck says. “What are we doing in here?”

“Just talking,” Mark says.

“Just talking,” Donghyuck repeats, like Mark has said something very amusing. Renjun thinks he might be a little drunk. Everything’s funny to him when he’s drunk.

Or else everything is the end of the world. There’s really no in-between with him, especially in recent years.

About since Jeno left, actually. Go figure.

“Yeah,” Mark confirms, a little amused himself.

“Am I interrupting?”

“No, Hyuckie,” Renjun says.

“Oh, good. I wouldn’t want to do that.” Donghyuck comes over to Mark’s side and wraps his arms around Mark’s waist. “Hi, Markie. How are you?”

“I’m okay, Hyuck.”

“Good.” Donghyuck turns his gaze to Renjun, and Renjun sees something in his eyes that wasn’t there before when he asks, “And how about you, Junnie?”

Renjun’s not sure how to describe it. It was like sobriety peeking through drunkenness, even though Renjun doesn’t think Donghyuck’s totally wasted. He’d be able to tell if he was.

“Not bad,” Renjun replies.

“You’ve been good lately, haven’t you?” Donghyuck says thoughtfully.

“Um, I guess so?” Renjun’s not sure what Donghyuck’s getting at. “How good have any of us been, though?”

Donghyuck nods slowly, frowning. Renjun’s a little nervous he’s accidentally flipped a switch somehow and brought out sad drunk Donghyuck. He can change fast. Hastily, Renjun says, “But yeah, I’ve been pretty good, all things considered.”

Donghyuck smiles again, but it’s a little absent. “That’s good.”

“How are you, Hyuckie?”

“Me? Oh, you know me, Junnie. I’m always doing just fine.”

Renjun thinks Donghyuck really would like him to believe that. He would like all of them to believe that.

Donghyuck’s spent most of this year attached to Jeno’s hip. That only changed when the two of them slept together. In all the years Jeno was gone, Donghyuck never once mentioned that he’d like to have him back, not even on the occasions that Doyoung brought Jeno up. Donghyuck was hurt and angry when Jeno left too. But he got over it. He moved on.

Renjun had thought he had, anyway. It had seemed that way.

Renjun’s not sure what all of it means, what it all adds up to, and Donghyuck seems unlikely to give him the answer.

“Sure,” Renjun says, and Donghyuck grins wide.

“You worry too much. So maybe I’m a little bummed out like everyone right now. That’s okay. I’ll be fine.”

“Let me know if that changes.”

“Sure thing.”

Mark looks between the two of them in slight confusion. “I feel like I’ve missed something here.”

Donghyuck giggles. “Don’t worry about it, Markie.”

Donghyuck begins to relate a story about Doyoung and Taeyong that happened just moments ago, and Renjun watches him as he talks. He makes himself laugh every couple minutes, and he smiles brightly, and he’s energetic and happy—but something’s just not quite right. It could easily be explained by the circumstances, the halting of the tour and Mark’s depression. It could be said that he’s just overcompensating, trying too hard to lift everyone’s spirits. Without any other context, Renjun might believe that.

But Renjun doesn’t know what to do if Donghyuck won’t talk.

“You know, I’m sure there’s some kind of psychoanalysis I could make about you hiding from Jaemin in his own bedroom.”

Jisung is a little embarrassed by how relieved he is that it’s only Shotaro at the door.

“I’m not hiding from Jaemin,” he denies. “I’m hiding from everyone. There’s a difference.”

Shotaro snorts. “Okay, but you’re mostly hiding from Jaemin. I don’t mean to upset you, but I think he’s starting to think you don’t like him.”

Jisung looks at his hands. “He knows that’s not true.”

Shotaro walks over to sit on Jaemin’s bed next to Jisung. “Maybe deep down, but…you’ve been acting really weird around him, Sungie. He knows something is up. I think everyone knows something is up.”

“Everyone’s been weird around everyone lately,” Jisung says petulantly.

“Alright, fair point. But still. He’s worried about you.”

“He’s mad at me.”

“I really don’t think he is. He’s been asking me if I know what’s up with you.”

Jisung looks up at Shotaro in surprise. “He has? Have…have you said anything?”

Shotaro shakes his head. “No. Because I think this is something you need to talk to him about yourself. But you do need to talk to him. It’s just Jaemin. He loves you.”

Jisung plays with his fingers and doesn’t reply. He’s not sure what to say. On some level, he knows he has to talk to Jaemin. He owes Jaemin that much. But he really doesn’t want to. He’s scared of what Jaemin might say.

“Jisung, it won’t be that bad. If he really is mad at you, he needs to get over it. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

That’s very easy for Shotaro to say.

Shotaro sighs after another few moments of Jisung not responding. “Sungie, I really hate to do this to you.”

Jisung is confused until Shotaro pulls his phone out; then he knows exactly what Shotaro’s going to do.

“Are you texting him?”

“I’m gonna call him, actually.”

“Oh my God, no.” Jisung grabs Shotaro’s wrist. Shotaro doesn’t try to pull out of his grip, and Jisung thinks he could probably call his bluff. Shotaro won’t call or text or even go downstairs to get Jaemin if Jisung really doesn’t want him to. He’ll respect that.

And then they’ll just keep having this conversation.

“He’s not gonna wait forever,” Shotaro says gently. “You’re gonna have to talk about it sooner or later.”

“I know.”

“I really don’t think it’ll be that bad. There’s not much he can even be upset with you about. I think it’s pretty clear that what’s been going on with Mark has nothing to do with you, unless your depression is contagious.”

Jisung laughs quietly. Shotaro puts his free hand on top of Jisung’s, the one still holding Shotaro’s wrist.

“And this isn’t good for you either.”

Jisung knows Shotaro’s right. He’s driving himself crazy worrying about this. It’s amazing he hasn’t ended up sick again. That’s how it goes: he worries, he loses sleep, he doesn’t eat like he should, he doesn’t take care of himself like he should, he gets sick. It’s almost sure to happen if he continues on like this, especially after everything that happened—and is still happening—with Mark.

Jisung lets go of Shotaro’s wrist. “I should’ve done something else with my life. Literally anything other than being a part of this band. I didn’t even wanna play bass in the first place, Mark pressured me into that.”

“And we wouldn’t be the same without you, Sungie. I’m gonna call Jaemin now.”

Jisung hesitates before he nods. He kind of thinks Shotaro’s joking about calling, but he’s soon proven wrong. But Jaemin’s more likely to notice a call than a text, and Shotaro’s probably worried Jisung will disappear if he leaves him alone to go downstairs. Which is fair.

“Jaemin?” Shotaro says after a moment, meaning Jaemin must’ve picked up. “Yes, I know we’re in the same house. Do you have a minute?...Can you come up to your room?...Just come up to your room. You’ll find out when you get here.” Shotaro hangs up a few seconds later. “He’s on his way. Do you want me to stay once he’s here?”

That would certainly be nice for Jisung. But he needs to be able to face Jaemin alone.

“No, that’s okay. It’s just Jaemin, right?”

Shotaro nods. “Yeah. It’s just Jaemin.”

It’s only another couple seconds before Jaemin’s appearing in the doorway of his room, and he looks at both of them before his eyes finally settle on Shotaro. He pouts exaggeratedly.

“Aw, I thought you were propositioning me.”

Shotaro snickers, getting up from the bed. “I’ll be downstairs if you guys need me.”

He gives Jisung one last reassuring smile before he leaves, but there’s something a little pleading in his eyes, like he’s begging Jisung not to chicken out. Jaemin smiles at Jisung too once Shotaro’s gone, politely, hesitantly.

“Hi, Jisungie.”

Jisung smiles back half-heartedly. “Hi, Jaemin.”

“Well, I guess there are two options of what I’m doing here. Either Shotaro was helping you proposition me—”

“Yeah, right. You’d probably say Mark’s name in the middle.”

Jaemin glares playfully at him. “That’s low, Sungie.” He comes over to the bed, taking Shotaro’s previous spot. “And that’s not why I’m here anyway, is it?”

“No, Jaemin, I really wanna sleep with you while a bunch of our friends are just downstairs.”

“You don’t need to get an attitude. I’m still your hyung.”

“Oh my God, I can’t even remember the last time I called you that.”

Jisung stopped calling Jaemin “hyung” before the rest of the boys—besides Chenle, who he never called “hyung”. Jisung never had very many friends his age, but he always had Jaemin. Jaemin, who always hung out with him even when other kids Jaemin’s age said it was lame for him to do so. Jaemin, who let him tag along whenever he was seeing other friends. Jaemin, who always made sure Jisung was included and didn’t feel left out. Jaemin has always looked after Jisung, and Jisung has always wanted to do the same for him.

He wants Jaemin to be happy. It’s so hard to tell if Jaemin is happy anymore.

Jaemin smiles fondly at him. Tiredly. “Are you gonna tell me what’s going on, Jisungie?”

(Jaemin told Jisung about his feelings for Mark when Jisung was thirteen. Jisung was young and confused and a little scared, and Jaemin was the first person he thought to go to. He never worried about Jaemin judging him, because Jaemin didn’t do that. Jaemin accepted Jisung as he was.

Jisung wasn’t interested in girls like the other boys his age were starting to be. Jaemin told him that he still had plenty of time to figure it all out, but it would be okay no matter what. Jisung would be okay. And then Jaemin told him about Mark, just so Jisung wouldn’t feel alone. Jisung, who always loved Jaemin more than he ever knew how to say, hoped so hard that Mark would feel the same for Jaemin someday.)

Jisung takes a deep breath, stalling so he can work up the courage to speak. When he finally does, in typical Jisung fashion, he begins at the end.

“Do you hate me?”

Jaemin’s taken aback. He gapes at Jisung, at a loss for words, and Jisung has to look away. Jaemin makes a bunch of little noises, not quite words in any language Jisung knows, as he tries to figure out what to say.

“Jisung, why—why on Earth would I hate you?”

“Because this is all my fault.”

(The final summer with Jeno was hard. The final year with Jeno, even. The night of the party was just the culmination of months’ worth of bullshit. Jeno was moody and withdrawn more often than not that summer, and he wouldn’t talk to anyone about what was wrong. He missed rehearsals and never had a good excuse. And then Mark’s birthday happened.)

“What’s your fault?”

“All of this. The band being the way it is…that’s my fault.”

“What are you talking about? You’re not responsible for how messy we are. No more responsible than the rest of us, at least.”

“But I am. You know I am.”

“Jisung, I really don’t know what we’re talking about.”

“I’m the reason Jeno left!” The words leave Jisung’s mouth with an intensity that takes even him by surprise. He’s never actually said that out loud before. He’s thought it many times, and he’s implied it while talking with Shotaro, but he’s never said it.

His eyes burn a little, and that would also be just like him, to start crying now.

“Sungie, what do you mean?”

“Because I got Mark! I got Mark the night of the party, and if I hadn’t gotten Mark, then maybe Jeno never would’ve told him you were in love with him, and then maybe things would’ve been different! Maybe he wouldn’t have just taken off in the middle of the night like that, and then—then—”

Jaemin holds his hands up. “Whoa, Jisung, no. Nothing that happened that night was your fault. Jeno didn’t have to do what he did just because Mark was there. That was his decision.”

“But I got Mark.”

“And that’s okay. I don’t blame you for that.”

“No, you don’t understand. I got Mark.”

Jisung can tell that Jaemin doesn’t get it. Confusion is all over his face as he tries to figure out what Jisung means. Jisung thought maybe Jaemin realized, but apparently he never has.

There is a layer to this that Jisung hasn’t discussed with anyone, not even Shotaro. Shotaro knows he feels guilty for getting Mark. He doesn’t know why he got Mark.

“You got Mark,” Jaemin says slowly, like saying it aloud will make it all make sense.

“I should’ve gotten Doyoung, because it was Jeno who was yelling at you, and Doyoung would’ve known how to handle him. I walked right past him in the living room.”

Jaemin’s still lost. “Okay, so maybe Doyoung would’ve been the ideal choice. That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong just because you got someone else.”

“But I didn’t want to get Doyoung. I got Mark instead on purpose.”

(Mark’s birthday happened, and Jeno couldn’t leave Mark alone. Everything Mark did was a problem. It was making recording the fourth album a nightmare. Most of the band was fed up, Jisung included, but two members remained ready to defend Jeno. Renjun, of course, and Jaemin.

Jaemin was on Jeno’s side right up to the end. He always insisted that Jeno just needed some more time, that he was going through something and he’d talk about it when he was ready and then everything would be okay. They just had to be patient with him.

Jisung had no patience left that night, as Jeno went after Jaemin, one of the only people left who was always defending him. Jisung was sick of it. He wanted Jeno to understand what he was doing to the rest of them. Doyoung would’ve been patient. Doyoung would’ve once again tried to understand what they’d all been trying to understand for months. Jisung knew that. So he went to get Mark instead.

Mark had one weakness in the group, and that was Jaemin.)

“So?” Jaemin asks.

“So I knew Doyoung would be nice. And I didn’t think Jeno deserved that.”

Jaemin doesn’t speak for a while. It’s clear that that was not what he was expecting Jisung to say. Jisung looks away from him again and waits, unable to say anything else. He could try to explain himself all night, but it wouldn’t change the simple truth.

“Oh,” Jaemin says finally. For some reason, that makes Jisung feel even guiltier. Another second goes by. “No wonder you’ve been so fucking nervous around Jeno. I thought you were just worried about what he might do.”

“I should’ve gotten Doyoung.” Jisung speaks very quietly. “If I’d gotten Doyoung, maybe things would’ve gone differently.”

“Oh, Jisungie.” Jaemin almost sounds like he’s in pain. “Listen to me. We have no way of knowing now what would’ve happened if you’d gotten Doyoung. But I do know that Jeno was being loud enough that Mark probably would’ve ended up outside anyway. And even if he hadn’t, it’s not your fault Jeno told Mark about my feelings. And it’s not your fault Jeno left. You didn’t make him do either of those things.”

Jisung chews on his lip. He understands what Jaemin’s saying, but it doesn’t really make him feel better. He went to get Mark out of spite, because he was mad at Jeno and he knew Mark would be more sympathetic to Jaemin than he was to Jeno. That’s what Jisung wanted. But he just opened the door for Jeno to hurt Jaemin worse than he already had.

“If you’re expecting me to, like, scold you for this,” Jaemin begins, “you’re gonna be disappointed. I know you feel bad, Jisung, and you think you did something wrong, and I don’t know, maybe you did, but…that certainly isn’t the worst thing you could’ve done that night. I don’t hate you. I’m not even mad at you.”

“But…Mark’s been acting so weird around you lately.”

“Yeah, he has. And it’s not because seven years ago you brought him outside instead of Doyoung and Jeno told him I was in love with him. Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds? You’re not responsible for Jeno’s actions, okay?”

“I just…I feel like I should’ve done something differently.”

“I know.” Jaemin sounds almost regretful, like maybe he relates. “But there’s no guarantee anything you did would’ve changed anything in the end. In fact, it probably wouldn’t have. I don’t know if there was any stopping what happened that night.”

“I guess.”

“You can’t blame yourself, Sungie. You’ll make yourself sick.”

Jisung laughs a little. “I know.”

“Seriously, though. Jeno leaving wasn’t your fault. Jeno telling Mark about my feelings for him wasn’t your fault. Even if you went and got Mark specifically because you were hoping he would tear Jeno a new one or whatever. Okay?”

Jisung’s not sure he completely believes him, but he believes that he’s not mad. That’s something. He can work on convincing himself of the rest.

“Okay.”

Jaemin smiles before shaking his head. “I can’t believe you were avoiding me because of this.”

“I wasn’t…” Jisung sighs. “Okay, I was kind of avoiding you.”

“Has this been bothering you since that night?”

“Um…sort of?”

“Oh my God, why haven’t you said anything?”

“I thought you were mad! And you never like to talk about what happened at that party, so I just thought maybe you wouldn’t wanna talk about it. And it was easier to forget about when Jeno wasn’t here.”

“Have you talked to Shotaro about this? Is that why he called me?”

“Yeah.”

“What did he say?”

Mumbling a little, Jisung says, “He said I needed to talk to you and that you probably weren’t actually mad at me.”

Jaemin buries his face in his hands. “Jisung.”

“I didn’t know!”

With a whine, Jaemin throws his arms around Jisung’s shoulders and leans against him. “Next time, please just talk to me. I’m not that scary, am I?”

“No. I guess I was just…overthinking things. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s all okay.”

Jisung nods. Jaemin doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to let go of him. Jisung’s gotten used to it over the years. There’s really only one member of the band who has it worse than him when it comes to Jaemin.

“Hey,” Jisung says, poking Jaemin on the arm.

“What?”

“You and Mark…are you guys okay now?”

There’s a pause before Jaemin answers that Jisung doesn’t really like. He knows that Jaemin and Mark make each other happy, even if it isn’t in a romantic sense. He doesn’t like it when things aren’t right between them.

Jisung just wants Jaemin to be happy.

“I don’t know. But he’s dealing with a lot right now. I’m sure we’ll be fine, one way or another.”

Jisung’s not quite sure what he means by that. “I’m sorry things are so weird between you guys.”

“Still not your fault, Jisungie. And I’m probably lucky things haven’t been weird between us for seven years straight now. It could be worse.”

“I guess so.”

There’s another pause, and then Jaemin says, “And what about you, Jisungie?”

“What about me what?”

“Have you ever been in love?”

Jaemin’s voice is light, almost joking. Jisung doesn’t really date. That’s not a secret. He’s shy to begin with, and it’s hard to find people who are trustworthy when you’re a member of a world famous band. He’s never even come out publicly, not because he’s scared or ashamed, but because he’s private. He has no romances to report on.

But has Jisung ever been in love?

“Yeah. I think so.”

Jaemin pulls back so he can look at Jisung in surprise that Jisung was already anticipating. “Who?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

It doesn’t. Everything Jisung knows about love he learned from the boys in the band. Love is pain, and no one lives happily ever after. Jisung will not be the exception. He’ll be the rule.

At some other time, Jaemin might have kept pushing the matter, teasing and lamenting his Jisungie being all grown up. Right now, he just smiles sadly. “Still?” he asks.

Jisung looks at the wall. “I don’t know.”

“Have you ever told him?”

“Oh, God, no.”

Jisung has never told anyone. Not a single soul. It doesn’t matter.

“‘Oh, God, no,’” Jaemin mimics with a laugh. “How could anyone ever not love you, Jisungie?”

“Maybe it’s you.” Jisung sees the panic flash in Jaemin’s eyes before he can mask it, and he has to laugh. “Calm down, I’m just messing with you.”

Jaemin swats him on the arm. “Hey, I’m not saying that’d be, like, bad, just…on brand for this band, actually.”

Jisung snickers. Jaemin reaches out to ruffle his hair, and Jisung pretends to be bothered by it.

“You know I love you, right?” Jaemin asks. “Platonically?”

“Oh, yeah, bro, no homo.”

Jaemin hits him a little harder this time, but still not hard enough to actually hurt. “Stop that.”

Jisung laughs again. “Yeah, I know. And, uh…I love you too.”

Jaemin’s reaction is immediate and predictable. Cooing, he brings his hands up to squish both of Jisung’s cheeks before saying, “Oh, so sweet, Jisungie!”

Jisung winces, but he lets Jaemin have his moment.

“You think you wanna go back downstairs?” Jaemin asks once he’s done being overly affectionate.

“Yeah.”

Jaemin stands up and hold out his hand. “Then let’s go.”

Jisung takes Jaemin’s hand and lets himself be pulled up. He’s no longer dreading being around Jaemin, but he is dreading Shotaro asking how it went. At least Shotaro’s not the type to drag out an I-told-you-so.

Jisung goes back downstairs feeling better than he has in a while.

Jeno finds Donghyuck sitting underneath Mark’s guitar display in the living room. He’s not exactly by himself because there are other people in the room, but he is sitting by himself, not doing anything. Jeno debates for a moment before going to sit next to him.

“Hey.”

Donghyuck grins. “Oh, Jeno, you really are sweet on me these days, aren’t you?”

“I just was wondering what you were up to.”

“Do I have to be up to anything? Isn’t it enough to just sit here and enjoy this lovely evening in the company of my friends?”

“Are you drunk?”

Donghyuck shrugs. “Maybe a little.”

Jeno chuckles. “No, I guess you don’t have to be up to anything.”

They settle into silence, and Jeno’s surprised to find that it’s not that uncomfortable. Maybe it’s just because there’s still plenty of noise in the room. It seems like everyone’s spirits have gradually risen over the course of the night. No one’s going wild, but a lot of people definitely seem happier than they did when Jeno first got here. Most notable are Jaemin and Jisung, who suddenly seem to be getting along better than they have in weeks.

“They seem to have sorted things out,” Jeno says lowly to Donghyuck, nodding in their direction.

“They have, haven’t they? Must’ve happened tonight. That’s good.” Donghyuck sounds musing, and there’s something almost…sad about the way he’s watching the pair they’re discussing. Maybe Jeno’s just imagining it.

“Everything okay?”

“Of course, Jeno. What wouldn’t be okay?”

Jeno raises an eyebrow. “Right now? I can think of a few things.”

“Alright, fair enough, that was a stupid question. But I’m okay.”

“You must be worried about Mark, at least.”

“Well, of course I’m worried about Mark, we’re all worried about Mark.” Donghyuck looks guardedly at Jeno and surprises him when he says, “I don’t wanna steal Mark from Jaemin.”

“Oh. Uh, yeah. Listen, um…that night, in the hotel room…the stuff I said about you and Jaemin and Mark—”

“It’s fine, Jeno. I’m sure you didn’t like everything I said that night either. But I’m not fighting with my friend over a boy. I’ve never done that.”

That might be a dig at Jeno, but he’ll let it slide.

“Okay. But, you know, if you ever need someone to talk to…”

Donghyuck stares at him for a moment before he shakes his head, almost like he’s upset with him. “Jesus, you’re really taking this redemption thing seriously, huh?”

“Look, Donghyuck, right now, I don’t really know how much time I have left with you guys, but I know I don’t want to spend it all fighting with you.”

“But we’re so good at that.”

“Maybe a little too good.”

“Oh, I get it. You’re just scared that fighting with me will get you all hot and bothered again.”

“Please stop. I’m just trying to be nice.”

“And it’s so cute of you.”

Jeno ignores that. “And I know what it’s like. So, like, this is my olive branch, I guess. If you’ll take it.”

Again, Donghyuck spends a long moment just looking at him, like he’s trying to evaluate his sincerity. Jeno smiles awkwardly, and Donghyuck snorts.

“You’re just full of surprises. Sure. I can accept a peace offering.”

Jeno smiles a bit more normally. “Cool.”

Jeno has no fucking clue where this is going to lead. Maybe the best the two of them will ever get is just being civil to one another. But that would be better than what they’ve been doing.

Now Jeno just has to figure out what to do about Chenle.

Chapter Text

A few days after Taeyong’s birthday, Mark texts Renjun and tells him that he’s taking Chenle out for dinner. He doesn’t say anything else about it, but he does go out of his way to mention that Jaemin will be home alone, and Renjun takes the hint. After fifteen minutes of trying to figure out how to be casual about making plans with Jaemin, Renjun decides to just fucking go over there. He doesn’t typically show up unannounced, but he can make an exception. Jaemin’s astute enough that he’ll probably know something’s up no matter how Renjun does this. It’s not that he and Jaemin never hang out just the two of them. But the awkwardness between them lately and Mark being out of the house with Chenle are going to tip Jaemin off no matter what Renjun does.

As expected, Jaemin looks at him doubtfully when he knocks on the door and says he just felt like coming over for a while, but he doesn’t call him out, and that’s good enough for Renjun. Jaemin’s nice enough to feed him—he was right in the middle of cooking dinner when Renjun showed up—and Renjun doesn’t bring up the real reason he’s here while they’re eating. Admittedly, he’s still wondering how exactly he should do this. He and Jaemin have never comfortably talked about Jeno by themselves since he left, but they’re going to have to tonight. Renjun’s ready for that, but he’s not sure that Jaemin is.

They settle in the living room when they’re done eating, and Renjun knows he can’t stall forever. Mark will be home at some point, and Renjun thinks this will be easier for everyone, but Jaemin especially, if he’s not in the house while they talk.

“Hey, listen, um…there’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” Renjun says.

“Oh my God, you’re breaking up with me,” Jaemin says, but some of his usual dramatic flair is missing. Renjun smiles, but he’s feeling too tense to fully entertain the joke. They both know why he’s here.

Maybe there really is no good way to do this. He can’t waste all night trying to be delicate. The time for delicate has passed, anyway.

“We need to talk about Jeno.”

Jaemin groans. “Do we have to?”

“Honestly? Yeah, I think we do. I can’t be the only one who’s noticed how awkward things are between us right now, and it’s not gonna go away on its own.”

Even if Jeno went back to Korea today and they never saw him again, it wouldn’t go away. It’d just get buried again. Sometimes it seems like that’s how they handle pretty much any issue in this band. It’s a fucking graveyard of secrets and conflicts and emotions around here, but nothing ever actually gets put to rest. Renjun doesn’t want to do that anymore.

“What’s left to talk about?” Jaemin asks. “We’ve talked about it all.”

No, Renjun’s talked about it all. Maybe not specifically to Jaemin, but to other people, Renjun has ranted all of his feelings out and made himself be heard. Jaemin has never talked about the things Jeno said to him before everyone else was outside, before Jisung and Shotaro’s attention was on the two of them. Jaemin doesn’t rant, he doesn’t vent his frustrations. Renjun has never seen him get mad about what happened.

He’s very good at faking but his eyes are cold and empty when Jeno’s around.

He’s still hurt.

“I don’t think we have. That’s kind of the problem, actually.”

Reluctantly, Jaemin says, “Okay. I’m all ears.”

“Oh, no, you’re not getting out of this that easy. I need you to talk too. You probably have more to say than I do.”

“I doubt it. He was your boyfriend.”

“And he was your best friend. I’m not the only one he fucked over.”

“What do you want me to say, Renjun? Yeah, he hurt my feelings. He made me cry. It was a long time ago, and I got over it.”

“Did you? Or are you just saying that because you feel like you should have?”

“What does it matter? It’s done. There’s nothing anyone can do about it now.”

He’s deflecting. There’s something in his expression, the way he speaks, a crack in that stone exterior of his, and it tells Renjun that he’s not mistaken, not reading too much into this. It’s been easier for Jaemin to run away from this, and maybe easier for Renjun, too, but it’s definitely there.

Renjun and Jaemin are never going to fix the weirdness between them if Jaemin doesn’t face his own feelings.

“You need to hit Jeno with the bus,” Renjun says bluntly. Jaemin looks at him in alarm. “Well, not literally. But back after Jeno left, and Donghyuck told us all he was in love with you, after I was a little less heartbroken, I was so fucking mad. And I used to envision hitting Jeno with the tour bus, and it made me feel better. I didn’t really want to hit Jeno with the bus, it was just something to help me feel a little less pissed.”

“You want me to envision hitting Jeno with the tour bus.”

“I think it might help.”

“I think I shouldn’t get into a vehicle with you behind the wheel.”

“Oh my God, I didn’t really want to hit Jeno with the bus. I’m really just saying that you need to let yourself be mad.”

“Why?”

“Because if you don’t, you might snap and actually hit Jeno with the bus. And then no one’s gonna want to rent a bus to us.”

Jaemin looks at him warily.

“For fuck’s sake, it’s a joke. Well, not the part about you snapping. That might actually happen.”

Jaemin looks at the couch. “I’m not mad.”

“I love you, Jaemin, but I don’t believe you.”

“I’m not.”

“Why not? I’d be pissed if I were you. Anyone would. He was your best friend, and he betrayed your trust in front of almost the entire band.”

“He betrayed your trust too.”

“Yeah, and I was pissed about it. You know how pissed about it I was. How upset, how hurt. I’ve never seen you even get annoyed about this.”

By the time Renjun got outside that night, Jaemin was already gone. When he got back to Yuta’s house, his tears had stopped, and he passed the night with this horrible blank look on his face, like he was incapable of feeling anything at all. Jaemin never cried after that night, never yelled, never screamed. All things considered, when it comes to Jeno, Jaemin has always had very little to say, as far as Renjun has ever known. And if Mark is worried about it, if Mark thinks Jaemin hasn’t dealt with this, then that probably means Renjun knows all there is to know.

“I’m not mad,” Jaemin repeats.

“Then why did you never try to get in contact with Jeno after he was gone?”

It’s something they’re all aware of, but they don’t really talk about it. There were times—especially in that first week, before they all knew the truth—when they would all just sit around and call and text, hoping that it would be annoying enough that Jeno would finally respond to someone. Jaemin never took part, and no one ever commented.

(Renjun wanted to. He wanted so badly to ask what the hell Jaemin did to Jeno to make him explode and then just fucking leave like that, and why he couldn’t even try to get a hold of him like the rest of them were. He was upset about what Jeno did, he really was, but he kept thinking that Jaemin must’ve done something too. It turns out it was more about what he didn’t do.)

Jaemin is silent, and he can’t meet Renjun’s eyes.

“Nana, he told Mark you were in love with him.”

“Do you think I don’t know that?” Jaemin asks, and Renjun’s caught off guard by how hard his voice is. It makes him want to back off, but he can’t stop now.

“Mark could’ve reacted a lot differently, and Jeno had to have known that. Doesn’t that make you angry?”

“Of course it fucking makes me angry!” Jaemin looks up, and Renjun can see the anger now, the first he’s ever seen it. “He was my best fucking friend, and he just said all that shit like it was nothing!”

Renjun waits a moment for that to settle before he says, “Do you feel any better now?”

“I feel like I need a drink.”

Renjun blinks in surprise. “What?”

Jaemin’s already on his feet, heading to the liquor cabinet. Renjun hurries after him.

“Uh, Jaemin? Have you forgotten that you don’t drink?”

Jaemin opens the cabinet and starts looking through the different bottles. “Tonight I do. What doesn’t taste like shit?”

“Whoa, Jaemin, slow down. I’m not sure you’ve thought this through.”

“It’s a drink, Junnie, I’m not shooting up heroin. Now are you gonna fucking help me out here or not?”

Renjun considers it. Jaemin’s twenty-six years old, and Renjun’s not his mother. He’s not really in a position to be telling him if he should or shouldn’t be drinking. It’s not like Renjun abstains himself. And he wants Jaemin to talk. Alcohol loosens lips.

It’s time to sink some ships.

“Whiskey and lemonade isn’t that bad,” Renjun says.

“Cool. You want some too?”

If push comes to shove, Renjun can just stay here tonight. “Yeah, sure. But why don’t you let me make them?”

“Are you worried I’ll fill half the glass with whiskey?”

Maybe a little. Renjun doesn’t respond. Instead, he takes the Jameson and heads for the kitchen. As he goes, he tries to prepare himself.

They still have a lot they need to talk about.

Mark and Chenle have made their way to the bar. Mark has plied Chenle with food, but he still might have to get him drunk. It’s a delicate process, getting Chenle to talk about things that are bothering him. Mark has an advantage, because Chenle has this small streak of hero worship for him from their much younger days that never fully went away, but that doesn’t mean this is easy. A wrong move could cause Chenle to completely shut down, and Mark’s not known for his way with words outside of songwriting. He has a lot more time to think when he’s writing a song than he does in a face-to-face conversation.

Chenle already knows they’re out tonight to have some deep talk. He can probably tell by the way Mark’s been acting and some of the things he’s said. And maybe everyone’s just on high alert these days.

“Well, if you’re not gonna start, can I?” Chenle asks.

“Start?” Mark questions, playing stupid.

“Come on, Mark, I know you’re not picking up the entire bill just because you like my company.”

“I do like your company. And maybe I’m just tired of you guys calling me cheap all the time.”

He doesn’t really know why he’s fighting this. Chenle’s right.

“Buying me one meal and maybe a couple rounds of drinks is not gonna reverse your Scrooge reputation. Not that I’m complaining.”

Mark grumbles. Chenle laughs.

“Fine,” Mark says. “You start.”

“I’d ask how you’re doing, but you’ll probably just lie to me, so I’ll just say that Jaemin said you’ve been having trouble writing.”

Mark thinks about the dozens of crumpled up pieces of paper he’s thrown away over the past few months. “Yeah, a little.”

“It’s bugging you pretty bad, huh?”

Mark figures Chenle doesn’t really need an answer. Mark knows he can be kind of an asshole when he’s dealing with writer’s block.

“It’s one of the only things I’m good at.”

“That’s such bullshit. It’s annoying how talented you are.”

“But this is—this is for the band, you know? This is important. I can’t write shitty songs that no one will listen to for us to record.”

Chenle snorts. “Sure you can. Every band has a shit era. A lot of them have more than one. And it’s not like the rest of us never write anything. You have a literal writing partner.”

“I know, just…”

Chenle’s expression turns a little more sympathetic. “I know. It’s what you love. But it’ll come back to you, it always does.”

Mark’s not sure this time. He’s wiser these days than he ever has been, has come to realize a lot since the end of last year. He’s certain he knows why he can’t seem to write a single line anymore, and he’s been trying for months now to figure out how to deal with it. Inspiration can be very fickle, and Mark feels like the well has dried up.

“And if nothing else works,” Chenle says, “you can always just do what they did in the sixties.”

“What’s that?”

“Drop acid and see God.”

Mark chuckles. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You’ve got plenty of time, Mark. We’re not in a rush. And you’ve got bigger things to worry about, anyway. You need to be looking after yourself.”

Mark’s not very good at that, he’ll admit. Jaemin always jokes that that’s why neither one of them can ever move out.

“Guess so.”

“Is there anything else that’s been bothering you? Specific, I mean?”

Chenle knows the drill, he’s lived with Jisung long enough. They all know, Mark supposes. Mark has been very down lately, sometimes for no real reason. Sometimes for a lot of reasons. Chenle is looking at him closely. Mark shrugs.

“It’s mostly the music.”

“Well, you’re not gonna write anything good if you keep worrying about it.”

He’s probably right about that. The more messed up with his own thoughts Mark gets, the more blocked he becomes.

“There is something I’d like to talk to you about, though,” Mark says.

“Oh, finally. I thought we’d be here until they closed the place up.”

Mark smiles tightly. “Look, dude, you’re probably not gonna be happy with me, but, like…you need to chill.”

Chenle seems more amused than anything. That’s good. “This is about Jeno, isn’t it?” he asks.

“Yeah. You don’t have to like him. Honestly, you can hate him if you want to—and I’m pretty sure you do. Just…you gotta stop fighting with him all the time.”

“I don’t hate Jeno.” Chenle’s response is immediate, but not defensive. Mark can’t quite figure out what emotion he’s expressing with it, or if he’s expressing any emotion at all.

“Well, you’re kinda acting like it. I get that you’re mad. Just…stay away from him if you have to. Ignore him. Just don’t fight with him all the time. He really is trying to fix things.”

“Funny how we always do things on his timeline.”

“I get it. I do. But for the time being, you don’t even have to perform with him, so…just leave him alone. I’ll talk to him too, and make sure he doesn’t bother you.”

Mark’s not sure that not bothering Chenle is an actual choice that Jeno can make, but they can both at least stay out of each other’s way.

“Fine, Mark. I’ll behave. Is that really all you brought me out here to talk about?”

Mark sighs. That was the easy part. “Uh, not exactly. Actually, I’m a little concerned…”

They return to the couch when Renjun’s finished with the drinks, and Jaemin lets his sit on the coffee table. Renjun wonders if he’ll actually drink it. The pause in conversation has sort of made Renjun want to just stop and forget about the whole thing, but they’ve been doing that for far too long.

“Alright,” he says, “where were we?”

“You were reminding me in detail of the worst fucking night of my life,” Jaemin says dryly.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Jaemin reaches for his drink to take a sip, immediately grimacing. “Jesus Christ, how do you guys drink this?”

“It grows on you.”

“That sounds like a massive lie.”

“Listen, I’ve tasted the coffee you drink, I really don’t think you’re in a position to be judging.”

“Fuck off.”

Renjun wonders if the alcohol’s already kicking in and making Jaemin more irritable, or if that just happened when Renjun brought up the night of the third anniversary party. Probably the latter, but it was for a good cause. Jaemin takes another swig.

“God, that’s awful. Anyway, the party, Jeno telling everyone I was in love with Mark, me hitting Jeno with the bus. Where are we going with this?”

“You’re still mad at Jeno, aren’t you?”

“I’m not—”

“Jaemin, please, you literally just told me that you were. And there’s nothing wrong with that. You can be mad.”

Jaemin doesn’t try to deny it again, but that’s only because he doesn’t speak. He just stares into his glass, watching the ice melt.

“Jaemin, you really might feel better if you talk about it. I can tell it’s still bothering you. And it’s affecting you and me.”

Jaemin takes another, much longer sip of his drink, grimacing again before saying, “He thought I knew.”

“Knew what?”

“He thought I knew he was in love with me, and not you. That’s why he never said anything, that’s why he didn’t just tell me…I don’t know, maybe that’s why he asked you out in the first place. And I don’t know if that’s better or worse, because at least then he had a reason for doing what he did besides me just not loving him back, but…I talked about Mark all the fucking time. To him. I watched him date you and I saw how happy you were. And he thought I knew the whole time.”

“When did he tell you that?”

“After the last concert in Europe.”

“Damn. No wonder you told him you didn’t love him.”

Jaemin smiles weakly. “And I keep thinking that maybe I should have, you know? I should’ve known. I should’ve seen it. He was my best friend, and I had no fucking clue. I—I wanted you to date him, because I knew you liked him, and I thought you two would be good together. I tried to fucking set you guys up.”

“Jaemin, what happened between me and Jeno…that’s not your fault.”

“But if I’d known—”

“None of us knew until it was too late. It’s not your fault. If it was your fault, it’d be everyone else’s fault, too. It’d be my fault. He was my boyfriend. Why couldn’t I see he wasn’t in love with me?”

Renjun has thought about that a lot over the years, berated himself for it countless times. It was so clear, so obvious. At least it is now. But there’s nothing that can be changed now. And he thinks both he and Jaemin have to learn to let that go.

“I’m so sorry he did that to you,” Jaemin says. “I’m sorry he hurt you like that.”

Renjun smiles ruefully. “He hurt you too, Nana. You don’t have to ignore that just because you think he hurt me worse.”

Jaemin’s never said that out loud to him, but Renjun’s taking a gamble. He’s sort of always gotten that feeling, that Jaemin’s never wanted to say too much about his own feelings because he feels like Renjun’s should take precedence. But there’s room enough for the both of them, and everyone else in the band, too.

“I didn’t want Mark and Yeonjung to break up,” Jaemin says softly. That’s certainly not what Renjun was expecting.

“Oh. Okay.” Renjun tries not to sound too much like he has no idea what Jaemin’s talking about, but he’s not very successful. Jaemin smiles wryly.

“I’m okay just being Mark’s friend. I’ve always been okay with that.”

Renjun almost tells him that no one’s saying otherwise, but as the words come to him, he realizes. “What did Jeno say to you before everyone came outside that night?”

Jaemin’s never talked about it. Even Jisung and Shotaro have always been very vague about the things they heard.

“Just…a lot of bullshit. It doesn’t matter.”

“I think it does. Did he say you were trying to break Mark and Yeonjung up?”

Jaemin laughs, and it’s a hollow sound. “In much more colorful language.”

He’s trying to act like it doesn’t bother him anymore. He’s been doing a very good job these past seven years. But Renjun thinks that the things Jeno said may have hurt Jaemin just as much as him telling Mark he was in love with him and Jeno leaving.

“That’s why you started trying to avoid Mark, isn’t it? Not just because he knew how you felt, but because of what Jeno said to you, too.”

“You know…I just liked being around Mark. That’s it. I never expected anything from him. I knew he didn’t like me the way I liked him. I mean, back then, he still thought he was straight. But he was my friend. And I was always a little afraid of going too far or crossing a line because I’m…a lot sometimes. Too much. Especially back then, I was. I didn’t mean to be, I just was. And the only person I ever talked to about that was Jeno.”

Renjun doesn’t need to know the exact things Jeno said to Jaemin. He understands.

“And he used that against you.”

Jaemin swallows. “Mark came outside with Jisung that night and I could barely fucking look at him. I felt dirty. Like—like I’d been taking advantage of him or something. And I just couldn’t get that feeling to go away any time I was around him, because then he knew, too. And if my best friend thought that I was willing to do anything to get into Mark’s pants, what would Mark think?”

“Oh, Jaemin…”

“And so that first week, before Donghyuck told us the truth, I didn’t text him and I didn’t call him because every time I thought about all the shit he said I just felt sick. I didn’t even know what I would say to him. And with the way he was ignoring the rest of you guys, I just thought…to hell with him. He can stay gone.” Jaemin pauses. “Who does that? Who just gives up on their best friend that easily?”

It takes Renjun a moment to realize that he’s no longer talking about Jeno. He’s talking about himself.

“Jaemin, maybe I’m biased because he’s my ex, but…your best friend hurt you on purpose and you had a messy emotional reaction to it. I don’t think that makes you a bad person.”

Jaemin hardly looks convinced. “And then when Donghyuck told us he was in love with me, I thought maybe he would talk to me. Maybe if I called, he’d answer. And I should have.”

“Why didn’t you?” Renjun tries not to sound accusatory, because he’s not upset. He’s just trying to understand where Jaemin’s head was.

“Because I wasn’t the only fucking member of the band, and he hadn’t hurt just me anymore. I think we all knew then that he wasn’t fucking coming back unless I said something, and even then…maybe not if I didn’t tell him what he wanted to hear. And I couldn’t tell him that. And I wasn’t gonna beg him to talk to us. Not again, not anymore.”

Renjun spent that whole summer trying to get Jeno to open up. Jaemin did, too.

“I just felt like calling him would be choosing a side,” Jaemin continues, “and I didn’t want to do that. But not calling him was choosing a side, too.”

Renjun never thought of it that way, but he can see what Jaemin means. Jaemin chose Renjun. And Renjun can see it wasn’t an easy choice.

“You shouldn’t have been put in that position in the first place,” Renjun says. “And like you said, we don’t know for sure that you could’ve gotten Jeno to come back. We don’t know if you could’ve even gotten him to talk to the rest of us. He wouldn’t talk to Shotaro when Shotaro went to his parents’ place with Doyoung and Yuta. He wouldn’t even see him.”

“Maybe I should’ve gone.”

“And maybe the same thing that happened to Shotaro would’ve happened to you. Maybe he wouldn’t have been able to face you again that soon. Who knows now? It was a shitshow back then, and none of us acted perfectly. I didn’t. I was sitting around picturing hitting Jeno with the tour bus. I said and did a lot of shit that I’m not proud of. You can’t blame yourself for not getting Jeno to come back when he’s the one who left. And you can’t feel bad for being mad at him for what he did.”

Jaemin runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t want to be mad. I know he feels bad, I know he’s sorry, and I still care about him. But sometimes when I look at him, all I can think about is the shit he said, and how slimy it made me feel.”

His voice shakes a little on the final sentence. There’s something so devastating about the way he looks right now—so exhausted, like saying all of that took all of his energy away.

“It’s gonna take some time, Jaemin. It seems to me like you haven’t really allowed yourself to process this.”

Jaemin is one of the worst in the band when it comes to insisting that he’s fine when he’s not, and he can fool people, too. Maybe even himself.

“There’s no going back and changing anything he did,” Renjun says, “so I don’t know if things can ever go back to they way they were. I think a lot of that is gonna come down to what each one of us decides, and we might decide different things. And it’s okay if you need more time to make that decision. Jeno can be patient. We waited seven years for him.”

“Six and some,” Jaemin corrects.

“Who gives a fuck?”

Jaemin laughs tiredly.

“Have you ever talked to anyone else about this?” Renjun’s pretty sure he already knows the answer.

“Who would I have talked to? You had your own shit to worry about, Jisung was sick practically everyday, Donghyuck was drunk half the time, Shotaro was taking care of them, Chenle was taking care of you, and Jeno was gone.”

“And Mark…”

“I couldn’t talk about this with Mark. I could barely talk with Mark about anything. And after a while…Jeno was in the past, you know? No one wanted to drag all that shit up again.”

He’s not wrong. Jeno’s been a dangerous subject for a long time, and after they all put themselves back together, it was easier to just not talk about him. They didn’t want to go back to that low place where they’d been once. But Renjun thinks that avoidance is genuinely tearing the band apart.

“You and Mark patched things up eventually, though.”

“Did we?” Jaemin’s voice is small. He must be referring to how strange Mark has been acting around him lately.

“What, you think he’s just been putting up with you all these years? Jaemin, Mark loves you. I know he does. He wouldn’t still be living with you if he didn’t. You can’t listen to anything Jeno said seven years ago when he was drunk and pissed off.”

“It’s hard not to sometimes.” Jaemin takes another large gulp of his drink, and the grimace is predictable. “Fuck.”

“I know it’s hard. But you’re literally Mark’s favorite member of the band. You always have been. Everyone knows that. He’s just struggling right now, and you know how he is about talking about the shit that he’s going through.”

Jaemin smiles a little. “You know what the first thing he said to me was after we got him offstage when he passed out in Milwaukee?”

“What?”

“‘Is my guitar okay?’”

Renjun laughs. “That sounds like Mark.” He’s quiet for a moment before he says, “Hey, Jaemin?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve never thought you were too much.”

Jaemin smiles genuinely. “Thanks, Junnie. You know, we’ve talked an awful lot about me tonight. How are you doing with this?”

Jaemin was honest with Renjun. Renjun should be honest with Jaemin.

“I’ve been better, but…I’ve been worse too. I don’t know. I can get so…nostalgic around Jeno sometimes. Like I miss him and us even though I know I shouldn’t. Is that fucked up?”

“No, I don’t think so. You were happy with him once.”

“Yeah, I was.” Renjun thinks about that for a moment. “None of it was even real, but I can miss it so much sometimes.”

Jaemin nods slowly. “Maybe it’s not really him that you miss, but you.”

Renjun frowns. “You figured that out from, like, three sentences?”

“Hey, you don’t have to listen to me. I think I’m already buzzed.”

But the thing is, Renjun thinks he might be onto something. Renjun does feel like he lost a part of himself a long time ago. Maybe it really is that that he’s been missing.

Jesus, he and Jaemin should’ve talked this out years ago.

“You know, you could’ve come to me back then,” Renjun says. “Our bitch sessions would’ve been legendary.”

“Missed opportunity, I guess.”

“I guess so. But I’m here if you need me in the future.”

“Yeah. Back at you.”

“So we’re okay, then?”

“Oh, yeah, Junnie. We’ve always been okay.”

They probably have been, but now they both know it for sure. Sometimes these things need to be said out loud.

It’s late when Mark and Chenle finally head back home. Mark stayed away from alcohol so he could drive, but Chenle’s pretty sober himself. The most important thing that has come out of the night is that Chenle has promised to leave Jeno alone. The other stuff Chenle talked about…Mark’s not really sure what to do about that. It wasn’t easy to get Chenle to talk, as Mark had figured it wouldn’t be. He’s still a little surprised he got the job done in the end.

(“I really think you should talk to Renjun about this,” Mark said, playing with the straw in his soda glass.

“I have,” Chenle said. “I talked to him that night at your place, after he ripped my head off.”)

“Renjun’s here,” Chenle comments as they pass Renjun’s car on the gravel path, parked behind Chenle’s.

“He is,” Mark says, like he didn’t already know he would be. He wonders how things went for him and Jaemin tonight as he pulls into the garage, and he hopes he and Chenle won’t be interrupting anything.

There’s music playing when Mark opens the door into the kitchen. It’s loud, but he doesn’t think it’s coming from the living room sound system. It might be someone’s phone. Renjun and Jaemin are singing along, and that’s also loud. Mark frowns.

“Is that…Yvonne Elliman?” he asks. Chenle listens for a moment.

“That’s Yvonne Elliman,” he confirms.

They head for the living room, where Renjun and Jaemin are singing a very…enthusiastic rendition of “If I Can’t Have You”, and Mark is almost positive he and Jaemin don’t have this song on a record or a CD or even a cassette tape, so it must be on someone’s phone. Jaemin is the first one to see them, and he stops singing to grin and whack Renjun on the shoulder.

“Look, Mark and Chenle are here,” he says excitedly. His words don’t come out completely clear. Mark has a bad feeling about this.

“Hello,” Renjun singsongs. Mark looks at Chenle, and he appears as skeptical as Mark feels.

“Hey, guys,” Mark says. “Can we turn it down, maybe?”

Jaemin pouts. “That’s no fun.” Nevertheless, he reaches for his phone and turns the volume down. “How was dinner, Markie?”

“It was fine. How was…your night?”

“Amazing. Really. Almost cried. Oh, and I hit Jeno with the tour bus.”

Renjun snorts.

“Um…are you drunk?”

Jaemin laughs and pinches his thumb and forefinger together. “Just a little.”

“Oh my God, Renjun, you let him get drunk?”

“I didn’t fucking let him do anything, Mark Lee,” Renjun says. “He’s twenty-six fucking years old. A whole ass adult. He can do what he wants.”

Renjun’s definitely not sober either. Mark looks at Chenle again.

“You get Renjun, I get Jaemin?” he says lowly.

“Seems fair.”

“Cool. Um, guest bedrooms are free, and” –Mark glances at Jaemin— “probably mine as well. You can stay too if you want.”

“Sounds good.” Chenle turns. “Hey, Renjun? You’re shitfaced. It’s bedtime.”

Mark turns his attention to Jaemin. “Hi, Jaeminie. You should probably think about turning in, too.”

“You look constipated when you’re concerned. Do you know that?”

“No, but it’s fascinating. Come on, you’re very drunk. Let’s get you upstairs.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes, and his entire head, too. “I’m completely fine, Mark, really, I don’t even know what you’re worried ab—”

His eyes widen as he gets to his feet, and Mark can picture the way the whole room is probably spinning.

“Worse when you stand up, isn’t it?” he asks.

“What the fuck?”

Jaemin has never been drunk in his life. He’s never even been tipsy. He’s never done the whole drunken stumble around thing before. He’s really going to struggle with stairs by himself. He’s probably going to struggle with flat surfaces by himself. Mark goes over to him.

“Come on, come here.” Mark basically has to physically put Jaemin’s arm around his shoulders, but it’s fine. “I want you to listen to me really carefully, Jaeminie. If you think you’re gonna get sick, fucking warn me.”

“Yes, Markie.”

At least he’s going to be obedient. Mark’s going to have it much easier than Chenle, who’s already arguing with Renjun as he tries to get him to get off the couch. Mark loves Renjun, but he definitely can be a dick when he’s drunk.

Mark guides Jaemin out of the living room, and his coordination isn’t as bad as Mark thought it might be. As expected, he’s not great at stairs, but they get to the top without him falling over, so Mark thinks that’s a success. Mark’s definitely had to deal with more badly intoxicated people in his life, and he’s been more badly intoxicated a time or two himself.

But he’s never had to deal with Jaemin intoxicated at all. This is a first.

Jaemin’s able to get ready for bed by himself, though his balance is definitely off and he leaves a mini trail of destruction in the bathroom when he’s done. Mark goes to Jaemin’s room when he’s done in the bathroom himself—fairly certain Renjun and Chenle haven’t even made it upstairs yet—and finds Jaemin sitting in the middle of his bed, his covers pulled around his shoulders. He looks very sad.

“You’re mad at me,” he says before Mark can even ask him what’s wrong. Mark chuckles.

“No, Jaeminie, I’m not mad at you. Renjun was right. You’re a grown man, you can make your own decisions.”

Jaemin shakes his head. “No, not about that. About something else.” He folds his arms like a huffy child. “You don’t like Jaeminie anymore.”

It’s very hard to take him seriously when he’s referring to himself in third person and crossing his arms and pouting adorably. Mark’s feeling a strong urge to pinch his cheeks and coo, but he makes himself focus. Cute as Jaemin’s being, he’s upset, and Mark doesn’t think it’s just because he’s drunk.

“What are you talking about, Jaeminie? You’re my best friend. Of course I like you.”

Jaemin looks down at the bedspread. “No. Jeno was right.”

“Wait, what do you mean? Did Jeno tell you I don’t like you?”

“Just forget it, Mark.” Jaemin shakes his head again, and he sounds more sober than he has since Mark got home. “I’m tired. Let’s just go to bed.”

Mark doesn’t really want to go to bed now, but Jaemin will still be here in the morning. And this is a conversation they should probably have while he’s sober.

“Okay, Jaeminie.” Mark walks over to the bed, and for a moment Jaemin looks like he’s going to protest, but then he just sighs and scoots over. Mark climbs in next to him. “Get some sleep. You’re gonna feel like shit tomorrow.”

As they settle in, they hear Renjun and Chenle bickering as they go down the hall. That at least makes Jaemin smile.

Tomorrow, they will have to talk. Tonight, Jaemin hides his face in Mark’s shoulder and Mark tells him he better not get sick on him, making him giggle.

It takes Mark a very long time to fall asleep, but at this point he’s used to it.

Mark and Jaemin’s second apartment in Seoul, the first they shared by themselves, had a little balcony, and that’s where Jaemin escaped to on his birthday, the night Donghyuck told them all Jeno was in love with Jaemin. Mark followed him out and stood there quietly as Jaemin looked out at the setting sun. After several long minutes—it was the longest they’d been alone together all week without Jaemin getting uncomfortable and trying to run—Jaemin said, without turning to look at him, “So many faces in and out of my life, some will last, some will just be now and then.”

“Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes, I’m afraid it’s time for goodbye again,” Mark replied. “‘Say Goodbye to Hollywood’. Billy Joel.”

Jaemin met his eyes. “I swear to God, I didn’t know.”

“I know that, Jaeminie. We all know that.”

“He’s not coming back, is he?”

Mark didn’t think the odds were good. Too tired to reassure, he said, “I don’t know. Maybe not.”

Jaemin nodded. He looked empty somehow. So fucking empty, carved out, like he was nothing but a shell. It petrified Mark. He didn’t have a clue what to do about it.

Sometimes Mark still sees that emptiness when he looks at Jaemin. He wants to make it go away, but he’s not sure how.

He’s not sure if he can do anything about it at all.

Chapter Text

“Hey, Jaeminie, how are you feeling?”

“Fuck you.”

Mark laughs, trying to be quiet about it. He knows hangover headaches can be a bitch. “That’s good, right?” he asks. “I’m gonna assume that’s good.”

Jaemin glares at him. “I have never hated a person more than I hate you right now.”

Mark laughs again.

“You don’t have to laugh at my fucking misery, you know.”

“Oh, you’ve definitely laughed at mine before.”

“I’m sorry.” He’s whining a little, but he also sounds genuinely regretful. Nothing like taking a trip in someone else’s shoes.

“I know this sucks right now, but look on the bright side. You made it through your first drunk night and you didn’t even get sick.”

He did, however, have to get up to pee like every five minutes.

“I’m never fucking doing that again.”

“Oh, I’ve said that before.”

“Yeah, but I actually mean it.”

Mark doesn’t doubt it. Jaemin’s never liked the taste of alchohol, never had any interest in drinking even casually. Mark absolutely believes him when he says this was a one-time thing. He’s still having trouble wrapping his head around the fact that it happened at all. Whatever he and Renjun talked about last night must’ve really fucked with him.

Mark goes over to sit on the bed next to him. “There’s breakfast.”

“Did you make it?” Jaemin asks, and Mark knows he feels like shit right now so he won’t be offended by how ill he looks.

“Chenle did.”

“Oh, he’s still here?”

“Him and Renjun both.”

Renjun’s also very hungover, and pretty pissed off because of it. Chenle’s having the time of his life.

Jaemin makes a noise that Mark takes to mean he’s not completely sold on breakfast.

“I made really strong coffee,” he says, knowing that even if Jaemin hates his cooking, he loves his coffee.

Jaemin drops his head onto Mark’s shoulder. “That’s so fucking sexy of you.”

Mark chuckles and wraps an arm around Jaemin’s waist. “Come on. Let’s go downstairs. Renjun has the Tylenol.”

Jaemin groans, but he gets up when Mark does and follows him to the door. He goes straight for the coffee when they get down to the kitchen, as expected. Renjun and Chenle are in the dining room, and Mark can hear Renjun grumbling and Chenle laughing. Renjun will surely get his revenge the next time Chenle’s hungover. Most of the conversation is done by the two of them as all four of them eat—Jaemin’s appetite is nowhere near what it usually is, but neither is Mark’s, and he’s not even hungover. It’s a shame, because Chenle’s cooking is fantastic. Mark grabs Renjun to help him with the dishes when they’re done, reasoning that Chenle cooked and Jaemin’s not feeling well.

“I’m also not feeling well, you dick,” Renjun says as he finds a towel.

“Yeah, but he’s never been hungover before.”

“Fucking favoritism.”

Mark lowers his voice to say, “And I wanted to talk to you.”

Renjun sighs, but he at least seems to be a little less bitter now that Mark’s said that. “Fine.”

Mark starts filling the sink. “Chenle agreed to leave Jeno alone.”

“See? I knew he’d listen to you.”

“He still doesn’t like him.”

Renjun rolls his eyes. “You don’t have to tell me that. I know. And I don’t need him to like him.”

“Right.”

“Did he talk about anything else? You know, like if anything else is bothering him?”

“Um, kinda.” Mark scrubs at a bowl as he tries to figure out what he should say. “There is. Something’s that’s bothering him, I mean. But, like…”

“If he doesn’t want you to talk about it, it’s fine. I get it. Just…is he okay?”

It depends on what Renjun’s definition of okay is, Mark thinks. Chenle seemed okay last night, was actually pretty matter-of-fact when he talked about what’s been on his mind, which ironically only made Mark more concerned. He felt like Chenle was giving him the bare minimum, cliff notes version, and while that was more than he was expecting, it didn’t leave him feeling very confident. Chenle assured him in a way that it had already been dealt with, but if that was the case, it wouldn’t be bothering him still. Not like this.

Renjun picks up on Mark’s hesitation, and he nods, unmistakable disappointment and concern on his face that he’s trying to hide. Mark wants to say something reassuring, but he doesn’t want to lie to Renjun, or say anything he’s not certain of.

He hasn’t felt certain of much lately.

“I’m not completely sure I got everything out of him,” he says finally.

“Probably not,” Renjun says with a weird kind of dejected confidence. “You’re all going to drive me insane.”

Mark doesn’t have a response to that. Instead, he says, “Seems like you and Jaemin had a fun night last night.”

A slightly worrying night, too, but he feels like he doesn’t need to say that. He texted Jeno when he woke up that morning, a somewhat genuinely concerned “Just out of curiosity, were you hit by a bus last night?” to which he received nothing but a row of question marks, which was reassuring. Mark didn’t really think Jaemin ran Jeno over, but he did worry there was a confrontation of some kind, even just over the phone or something, but he thinks Jeno would’ve said something. He’s trying these days.

“You look constipated,” Renjun says.

“I’ve heard.”

“Are you worried because Jaemin told you he hit Jeno with the tour bus?”

“Uh, yeah, a little. What the fuck does that mean?”

Renjun chuckles and smiles a bit secretively. “Don’t worry about it. I promise Jaemin didn’t do anything to hurt Jeno or himself last night, besides working himself towards his current hangover.”

“If he was drinking, you must’ve gotten him to talk.”

Renjun becomes more serious as he picks up a spoon to dry. “Yeah. More than he’s really ever talked about this, I think.”

“Did you and him, you know, figure things out?”

“I think so. We really should’ve done that years ago, probably right after Jeno left.”

“Is he okay?”

“He’s…getting there. He still needs some time to work through some things. Some things he should probably tell you about himself.”

Anything to do with why he thinks I don’t like him?

Mark has had some very weird shit said to him by drunk people over the years. He knows you can’t always take everything seriously. But he doesn’t think Jaemin would say something like that without reason, drunk or not.

Mark wishes he was more surprised, more confused. But the more he thinks, the more he gets it.

“Well, at least you guys talked it out. Even if you had to be drunk to do it.”

“Hey” –Renjun points a fork at him— “we were both mostly sober when the bulk of the talking happened. Well, Jaemin was questionable because he really doesn’t handle alcohol well, but I was definitely sober.”

“Fair enough.”

Renjun dries dishes in silence for a few moments before he says carefully, “I do think you should probably talk to him yourself sometime.”

“Already planning on it.”

Renjun smiles. “Be nice to him.”

Somehow Mark thinks he doesn’t mean that completely literally.

They finish up with the dishes, and Renjun and Chenle stick around for a little while longer. Jaemin’s still not feeling great when they leave, so Mark leaves him alone for a while, letting him recuperate. He’s restless with the need to talk to him, but he needs to be patient. He’s been patient before.

(Jaemin spent most of the fall and winter after Jeno left waging a bloody war. And to this day, Mark’s not sure that it’s finished. There may have been a ceasefire, but he doesn’t think all of the battles have been fought yet.)

It’s late in the afternoon when Mark finally comes to check on Jaemin again, and he’s feeling better, mostly. Mark figured he would be by then.

“You’ve made it through your first hangover,” Mark says in congratulations.

“And last,” Jaemin insists. “I don’t even like alcohol.”

“I know. But someday you’re gonna look back on this and laugh.”

“I really don’t like you today.”

Mark hopes Jaemin doesn’t notice how awkward his laugh is. He knows Jaemin is joking, but he also knows that on some level, Jaemin is upset with him. And he’s pretty sure he has no one but himself to blame.

“I think you’re about to like me even less.”

Jaemin pouts. “Why?”

“We should probably talk about what you said last night.”

Jaemin nods. “Right. What I said last night.” There’s confusion and something like mild panic in Jaemin’s eyes, but he hides it very well. Mark knows what he’s going to ask before he asks it. “What did I say last night?”

“You said I don’t like you.”

Jaemin winces. “Oh, fuck. That’s right. Look, Mark, I don’t actually think you don’t like me.”

“But something made you say that, Jaeminie.”

Jaemin seems at a loss for a moment. “It’s just…you seem really weird around me lately, and I’m just trying to understand it. We live together, we work together, we’re together all the time, and…I don’t know, maybe it’s too much. Maybe I’m, like, smothering you or something, maybe you’re sick of me. I’m—I’m not mad at you if you are, I get it. I can give you more space if you need it, I can figure something out.”

(Back then, even Mark couldn’t miss the way Jaemin seemed to barely be able to stand being in the same room with him anymore. Mark struggled with knowing whether to back off or hold tight. He didn’t want to make Jaemin uncomfortable, but he didn’t want to watch Jaemin slip away from him either. He didn’t love Jaemin the way Jaemin loved him, but that didn’t mean he didn’t love Jaemin at all. So Mark turned to the band, to the music, because he knew—or at least he prayed—that Jaemin wouldn’t let anything stand in the way of that. He’d already been wanting Jaemin to write more because he knew Jaemin had potential, and he figured songwriting would help him work his feelings out, but asking Jaemin to become his writing partner was partly for selfish reasons, too. Jaemin couldn’t get too far away from him if they were collaborating on songs. And he knew how badly Jaemin, deep down, wanted to write. He knew it’d be hard for him to refuse.)

Mark thinks Jaemin might keep talking, but he stops him. “No, Jaemin, no. God, no, you’re not smothering me, or anything like that. This…this is my fault. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Jaemin doesn’t say anything, but Mark can tell that he’s expecting an explanation. And he deserves one, to be fair. He deserves to know why Mark’s been acting so strange around him. Mark’s just not sure he knows how to explain it. He’s not sure how much he should say. He doesn’t want to make things worse.

“I don’t wanna let you down,” he says finally. Jaemin furrows his eyebrows.

“What do you mean?”

Mark’s not sure he knows himself. “I…I’m not like this, you know? The band needs me to have my shit together, to be able to write, to be able to tour. And it’s like…it’s like I don’t care about any of it anymore. I still love the band, but…I hate it sometimes too. But it’s not just about me and what I feel. You guys are affected by it, too. You guys stopped the entire tour just for me.”

“And you think you’re letting us down because of it?”

“A little.”

“Mark, you’re way more important than the tour is. I know all the other boys would agree with me. And we all understand that you’re dealing with something right now that you can’t control. No one’s taking you needing a break personally. You’re not letting anyone down.”

“It feels like I am. I’m—I’m the leader. I’m not supposed to be the problem.”

“You’re being way too hard on yourself, Mark. You’re not a problem. And you’re not a superhero, either. You don’t have to deal with everything by yourself. No one expects that from you. No one wants that from you. You don’t have to hide from me just because you think I’ll think poorly of you if you tell me what’s on your mind.”

Jaemin, as usual, has been able to figure out the things Mark didn’t even completely say. He takes one of Mark’s hands.

“Is this why you didn’t tell me how bad things were getting sooner?” he asks.

There’s only one Jaemin, and he’s always been a little different from the others. Back at the beginning, no one believed in the band like Jaemin did. No one believed in Mark like Jaemin did. Jaemin has never doubted him. Mark doesn’t want to make him feel foolish for doing so.

(Things came to head right before they moved to New York, and Jaemin started looking for apartments by himself. Jisung and Chenle were staying together, and Renjun would be finding a place with Donghyuck and Shotaro. Mark had figured he and Jaemin would stick together too. He didn’t really want to be by himself in a new city, a new country, a new continent—even though it was technically his home continent—and he didn’t think Jaemin wanted to either. That wasn’t why Jaemin was doing this. He was doing it because he felt like he had to.

Mark couldn’t let the avoidance go on any longer. Jeno was already gone. Mark wasn’t going to let him take Jaemin with him.)

“I was hoping things would get better,” Mark says. “And I didn’t wanna disappoint you.”

Jaemin smiles softly. “You’re gonna have to try a lot harder to disappoint me. This is pretty much exactly what friends are for.”

“I’m sorry.” Mark doesn’t even know what he’s apologizing for. Jaemin squeezes his hand.

“It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.”

Mark wants to believe him. But he doesn’t know. He just doesn’t know.

“Please don’t be afraid to come to me in the future,” Jaemin says. “I’m not gonna judge you. You can tell me anything.”

“So can you.” Mark looks at Jaemin significantly, and Jaemin raises his eyebrows.

“Something specific you have in mind?”

“Last night. You said Jeno was right about something. What did you mean?”

Mark doesn’t know if Jaemin remembered saying that before, but he does now. Mark can tell. Jaemin’s eyes widen slightly before he looks down, and Mark can see a wall starting to come up, but he can’t let this one go.

“Jaeminie. Did he say something to you?”

Jaemin shakes his head. “A long time ago.”

Mark thinks about the night Jeno left, tries to remember everything he heard Jeno say, but he knows the fight started before he even came outside. He didn’t hear everything. No one did, not even Jisung or Shotaro. No one but Jaemin.

“Jaemin, what did he say to you that night?”

“Why did you break up with Yeonjung?”

Mark’s so taken off guard by the question that for a moment he thinks that’s actually what Jeno said to Jaemin. In a few split seconds, he’s disjointedly envisioning a situation in which Jaemin dated Yeonjung at some point without Mark even knowing it before he realizes how stupid he’s being. It takes him another moment to collect his thoughts to respond.

“We…we were on different paths. The Neos were taking off, we were moving to New York while Yeonjung would still be in Korea, we were both super busy…we were just moving apart. There were other things we both wanted to be focusing on. That’s basically it.”

Mark’s not sure why Jaemin’s asking about Yeonjung now. She’s not a distant memory, of course. The breakup was amicable, and Mark still talks to her fairly regularly. Of those of them who have exes, they all have at least one that they’ve stayed in pretty close contact with. Renjun has Yangyang, Shotaro has…pretty much all of them, actually. It’s a little ridiculous. Even Donghyuck has someone, though he insists that “he’s not an ex because we never actually dated. He’s just a lovely what-if”, or whatever it is he always says. Mark has Yeonjung. He’s talked to her a lot recently. Maybe Jaemin’s noticed her name on his phone.

Or maybe…

“That’s it?” Jaemin asks.

“Jaeminie, what does this have to do with Jeno?”

It’s not typically Jaemin’s style to just completely change the subject when he doesn’t want to talk about something. Mark doesn’t think that’s what he’s doing.

“Did she know? About what Jeno did that night?”

Mark never told her the full details, not before or after they broke up. It just didn’t feel right to tell her when he wasn’t even supposed to know. All he’s ever said was that Jeno said some rude things to Jaemin that didn’t need to be repeated, and then he left.

“No. I just told her that you guys fought and he left. And if you think that we broke up because she knew or something—”

“She could’ve figured it out on her own.”

“I mean, I guess so, but she never said anything. And what the fuck does this have to do with Jeno? What was he right about, what did he say to you?”

Mark’s not sure he even wants to know. But it’s clearly still bothering Jaemin, even after all this time.

(Mark stood in the kitchen in his apartment in Seoul as Jaemin sat at the table, when enough was enough. He’d tried to be patient, but he was losing Jaemin as he just fucking watched. He couldn’t do it anymore.

“Jaeminie,” he said, voice cracking with frustration and desperation, “why do you wanna live by yourself? I thought we’d stay together, like everyone else.”

“That worked really well for Renjun and Jeno,” Jaemin said dryly.

“Jeno fucking left. I didn’t. I’m still here, and so are you. Why do you keep trying to run away?”

Jaemin looked at him with that emptiness in his eyes that terrified him. “Do you think he was fucking joking?”

Mark knew exactly who and what he was referring to. “No, I don’t. I think he was dead serious. And I don’t give a fuck. You’re still my friend, one of the best I have. You don’t have to be afraid of me.”

“I’m not afraid of you.” Despite his words, Jaemin’s voice made it sound like he was definitely afraid of something. Mark took a deep breath, ran a hand across his face, and tried to speak gently.

“Look, Jaeminie, if you’re doing this because you want to, if you’re trying to, like, get over your feelings or something, and you need to get a little distance from me, okay, fine, whatever. I won’t be happy about it, but I’ll understand. But if you’re just doing this because you’re afraid I’m uncomfortable with you now or some shit, then, like, we’re good. Okay? I don’t care, really. And, like, I miss you. Even when you’re here, I feel like you’re not.”

Jaemin opened his mouth to say something before he seemed to think better of it. After a second, he said, “I just don’t want things to be different between us.”

“Then you have to stop trying to avoid me, because things are already different.”

“I know.” Jaemin sounded so small and helpless. Mark went over to the table and pulled a chair up to Jaemin’s side.

“Jaeminie, I swear I don’t care. I do love you, you know? Just—”

“I know. Not like that.”

“Jaemin—”

“It’s fine, Mark. You can’t control how you feel any more than I can.”

“You know I get that too, right? This isn’t something you can choose. And, fuck, even if you could choose…you’re still my friend. This doesn’t change that.”

For the second time, Jaemin seemed like he was going to say something and didn’t. Mark thought about pressing, asking if there was something else bothering him, but in the end he instead asked if he could hug him, because all the distance between the two of them at the time made him feel like he needed to get permission. Jaemin gave it, and held on so tightly that Mark felt like he could feel how hard on him this had all been.

Jaemin stopped trying to pull away, they found a place in New York together, and Mark decided that all was well and that he and Jaemin had sorted everything out between them.

He believed it because it was comfortable to believe.)

“A bunch of shit,” Jaemin says. “It’s not important.”

“Yes, it is, Jaeminie. If it wasn’t important, you wouldn’t have brought it up last night.”

“I was drunk last night.”

“Exactly. You don’t even drink. Obviously something’s still bugging you, especially if you think you’re, like, the reason Yeonjung and I broke up or something.” Mark waits a few moments, but Jaemin doesn’t say anything, so he squeezes Jaemin’s hand in return and says, “Jaeminie, I’m pretty sure there’s another reason you were avoiding me after Jeno left that you’ve never told me about. I probably should’ve asked about it sooner, but I didn’t. But I’m asking now. What did he say?”

Jaemin closes his eyes for a moment before he speaks, looking straight at Mark. “Mark, you and I are not normal. I’m not normal. I’ve never fucking been normal around you. Especially back then, when you had a girlfriend and I should’ve just left you alone, and Jeno…Jeno called me out on it. I never meant to be, like, this annoying little kid always following you around wanting attention, and I never was trying to get into bed with you or, like, make you love me. I just liked you. But, I don’t know…I was young and overeager and maybe I went too far.”

Mark has to remind himself that this was seven years ago and Jeno’s apologized to stop himself from getting too mad. Mark can still remember the months, the years leading up to Jeno leaving, and he knows Jaemin treated him a little differently than the rest of his friends did. In hindsight, he can see that it was because Jaemin had a crush on him, but he didn’t know at the time. He just thought that was how Jaemin was. He never once thought badly of Jaemin because of it, thought he was annoying or going too far or crossing any lines. He’s never thought that even now that he knows how Jaemin felt back then.

“Jaeminie, listen to me. Jeno was wrong. You’ve never done anything but be my friend. I know that, I’m sure Yeonjung knows that, and Jeno probably knows that too, knew it even back on the night of the party. He was just mad and trying to hurt you. And it really doesn’t matter what he thinks anyway. I’ve never thought you were annoying or that you were trying to seduce me while I was taken or whatever, and I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I thought that. Jeno was wrong, okay?”

Mark can still see uncertainty in Jaemin’s eyes. He reaches out for Jaemin’s other hand.

“Everything has always been good between us,” he says. “Everything’s still good between us now. Any issues are my fault. Okay?”

It takes him a moment, but finally Jaemin nods.

“Come here,” Mark says, letting go of Jaemin’s hands to open his arms. Jaemin falls into his embrace, and Mark resolves to be better. Jaemin’s been worrying about this for too long, and Mark’s only been making it worse.

That might be easier said than done, though. Things are complicated with Jaemin, especially now.

But that’s not Jaemin’s problem. Mark will have to figure it out.

Jisung’s on the couch making that weird face he makes when he’s trying to be casual when Chenle comes downstairs. Chenle considers just walking back upstairs, but that would be stupid. He goes and sits down.

“So,” Jisung says, and he’s got his weird casual voice too, “it was a party at Mark and Jaemin’s place last night.”

Chenle kept Jisung updated last night so he wouldn’t be left wondering why he didn’t come home. He didn’t tell him a lot, and Jisung didn’t ask many questions, but Chenle knew he would eventually.

“You didn’t miss much,” Chenle says. “I didn’t do anything once I got there besides force Renjun to go to bed.”

“I can’t believe Jaemin got drunk.”

“Neither can I.”

“Did you have a good time at dinner?”

“You sound like my mom. Yeah, dinner was fine. Mark bought, which was cool, even though he was just bribing me into being nice to Jeno.”

Jisung raises an eyebrow. “He thought that was gonna work?”

“Hey, I can be nice…ish. I guess he didn’t say I have to be nice. Just not mean.”

“Good luck.”

“Fuck you.”

Jisung snickers before his trying to be casual face returns. “Did you tell Mark why you dislike Jeno so much?”

“Why the fuck do I have to have a reason to dislike Jeno? A better reason than everything he did?”

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“I told Mark enough.” Chenle told Mark everything Mark needed to know. There was no point getting too deep into it. Chenle doesn’t like Jeno, and he has good reason for it. He doesn’t know why that’s so hard for everyone to understand.

“You know,” Jisung says quietly, “for a really long time, I thought Jaemin was mad at me. I finally talked to him about it on Taeyong’s birthday, and it turned out that everything was fine.”

Chenle looks at him, unimpressed. “Subtle, Sungie.”

“I’m just saying, things might not be as bad as you think they are.”

“Jaemin’s obsessed with you, dude. Of course he wasn’t mad at you.” Chenle thinks about it. “Why the hell did you even think he was mad at you?”

Chenle was well aware that Jisung had been being weird as fuck around Jaemin before Taeyong’s birthday, but he never explained what was going on. Even now, Jisung hesitates, but he must have some newfound courage, because he takes a deep breath and says, “Because I got Mark the night of the party.”

Chenle refrains from saying that that’s dumb as hell, because that will make Jisung feel bad, and it’s not really dumb if it was bothering him that much. Instead, he says, “I would’ve kicked Jaemin’s ass if he was actually mad at you about that.”

Jisung laughs. “It wasn’t just that. I got Mark that night because…because Jeno had been being a dick, and I knew Mark would be pissed at him. I wanted someone to yell at Jeno, because I thought he deserved it.”

Chenle is delighted. “Seriously?”

Jisung frowns disapprovingly at him. “It was mean.”

Chenle grins. “Yeah, it was.”

Jisung shakes his head. “You are so petty. Anyway, I thought Jaemin might have already known that’s why I did it, or he’d be upset if he found out. But he didn’t, and he wasn’t. I was worried for no reason.”

“I get what you’re saying, dude, but your situation is a little different from mine.”

Chenle is not worried that anyone is mad at him besides maybe Jeno, and he wouldn’t really say he’s worried about that. It’ll be better for everyone if it stays that way.

“Just…keep it in mind?”

Chenle knows Jisung just wants to help. “Yeah, I’ll keep it in mind.

Jisung smiles and nods. “And how is Yizhuo?”

Chenle was expecting that, too. He spent a lot of the afternoon on the phone with Yizhuo even though she kept insisting she was hard at work and had more important things to be doing. And he wasn’t even the one who called.

“She’s fine,” he replies. Reluctantly, he adds, “She wants to come out and visit sometime. If she can find the time.”

“Ah. That would be nice.”

“It would.”

“She really likes you.”

Chenle knows that. “I don’t know why. I’m mean and disagreeable and I make fun of her a lot.”

“Okay, you said that, not me. And it doesn’t matter why. She does.”

“Look, it’s not like she doesn’t know what she’s getting into. I’ve told her I don’t date.”

Jisung smiles a little. “Everyone thinks they’ll be the exception.”

“Who the fuck is everyone?”

“Everyone who’s ever tried chasing after you. Which is a lot of people, actually, I don’t get it.”

“I’m famous, kid. You have a bunch of people chasing after you too, you just don’t realize it most of the time.”

Jisung goes a little pink. Chenle smirks in amusement. Without fail, mentioning that people find Jisung attractive always gets him so embarrassed.

“We’re not talking about me. Do you like Yizhuo?”

Does he like Yizhuo? Sure, he likes Yizhuo. She’s fun and smart and there’s no denying that she’s pretty. She’s a talented musician. Chenle likes her a lot.

“She’s my friend. Of course I like her. Why?”

“She just…seems like she’s different. That’s all.”

Chenle almost rolls his eyes. Jisung wouldn’t recognize someone expressing interest in him if they made a big, flashing neon sign about it for him, but Chenle likes someone a little bit more than usual and he sees it a mile away. Chenle’s always wondered what would happen if he seriously flirted with Jisung, if Jisung would pick up on that because it’s Chenle, or if he’d completely miss it because it’s Jisung. Or if the opposing forces would cause him to self-destruct or something.

The thing is, he’s right. Yizhuo is different.

“I don’t date.”

Jisung does roll his eyes. “Yeah, believe me, I know. I’m just…wondering if you’re okay.”

“You’re really worried about me these days, aren’t you? I thought you hated everyone in the band.”

“Yeah, I hate you so much that I still live with you.”

Chenle winks at him. “That’s why all the boys think you have a huge crush on me.”

“No way, they think you’re into me. And are you okay or not?”

In another life, Chenle thinks he probably could’ve been very happy with Yizhuo. It is what it is.

“Yeah, I’m okay. And I’ll tell you what. When I’m still single at forty, if you’re still single too, we can get married and make all the other boys happy.”

“Wait, when I’m forty too, or, like, right when you turn forty?”

“I’m not even three months older than you, does it matter? We can get engaged on my birthday and married on yours.”

“Oh, good idea. But, uh, Chenle?”

“Yeah?”

“I hope this never happens.”

Jisung didn’t say that just to be an asshole, Chenle can tell. He didn’t say it to be an asshole at all. Jisung is a little bit of a hopeless romantic, and he’s still holding out hope for Chenle. It’s nice of him, but it’s unrealistic.

“I’m gonna remember you said that when I’m writing vows.”

Jisung snorts. Chenle appreciates his concern. But Chenle is fine.

Chenle will be fine.

Sometimes it’s strange to remember that once upon a time, Chenle and Jeno were friends. It’s not something Chenle could easily forget, but sometimes it feels more like it was seventy years ago instead of just seven. Chenle met Jeno when he was twelve, and Jeno left when Chenle was eighteen. Jeno’s been a stranger to him for longer than they were friends. Maybe no one would believe him if he said it, but that does hurt to think about. Every once in a while, while Jeno was gone, for just a split second, he would forget, like when he heard a certain joke or a killer guitar solo, and he’d think Jeno would love this. In that fraction of a second, he’d start to turn, but Jeno wasn’t there.

Chenle doesn’t hate Jeno—another thing he probably wouldn’t be believed on—and he doesn’t give a shit if the entire band forgives him. Chenle doesn’t know how. He loved Jeno once, he trusted Jeno once. Maybe more than anyone else did. His mistake.

Jeno can patch things up with the others, that’s fine. Chenle can’t risk it again.

There’s enough he regrets already.

Chapter Text

The band starts meeting up a couple times a week. They’re not really rehearsals; sometimes they go over songs already written, but sometimes they just jam, hanging onto riffs and melodies that they might use in the future, and sometimes they don’t play at all. Sometimes they just hang out. Jeno’s a little surprised he’s consistently invited, but he’s not going to complain. It’s a lot better than sitting around at Doyoung’s place doing nothing.

And maybe Jeno’s being too harsh, anyway. He and the boys, on the whole, have been getting along very well. Jaemin’s been very quiet around him, and it’s still kind of hard to tell what Donghyuck’s exact feelings are, but everyone else has been pretty friendly.

Everyone except Chenle, of course. He’s been better, in a way, because he’s mostly just been ignoring Jeno instead of being actively hostile towards him, but Jeno would like for things between them to be better than this. Mark asked him to stop fighting with Chenle constantly, and Jeno can understand why. He doesn’t want to be at odds with Chenle for the rest of his life.

Tonight, they’ve spent most of the evening in the studio pretending to be coming up with new material. Jeno’s always a little uncertain of what he’s supposed to be doing when they’re tossing ideas back and forth and playing different things to get the others’ opinions, so he does a lot of watching and listening. They all seem to take care not to mention that Mark gives very little input. They’ve really just been messing around for the better part of an hour now anyway, and Jeno’s been watching and listening to a lot of that too, remembering what it was like to be a solid part of it.

Eventually, some of them call for a break to find something to eat—none of them have really had dinner, but Jeno’s not even that hungry. Jisung, Shotaro, and Chenle all stay behind in the studio, apparently not hungry themselves. The three of them talk amongst themselves, but Jeno notices that Chenle’s distanced himself a little from the other two, and he doesn’t seem to be saying much.

This would probably be a good time to try to talk to him, not that he has a clue what he should say. But he can figure something out. He gets up and walks over to where Chenle is leaning against the wall, and he doesn’t miss the mildly surprised looks both Shotaro and Jisung give him, but they both turn away afterward, like they’re giving them space to talk privately. Chenle doesn’t acknowledge him at all.

“Hey,” Jeno says, momentarily worried that Chenle will just pretend he’s not even there, but after a second, Chenle returns the greeting. “Not hungry?”

Jeno’s aware of how awkward he must sound, but Chenle just shakes his head. Jeno racks his brain for something else to say.

“So…”

Chenle snorts and rolls his eyes. “What do you want, Jeno?”

“Nothing. I just…thought we could talk.”

“Oh, God.”

“Look, I know you don’t like me that much—”

“What gave you that idea?”

Jeno ignores that. “But I don’t wanna be fighting with you forever. Don’t you think we could, like, call a truce or something?”

Chenle looks at him, eyes slightly narrowed. “You want a truce? I didn’t think you’d give a shit.”

“Chenle. You were my friend once.”

“That’s nice.”

“Chenle. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to beg? Because I’ll do it, if that’s what you want.”

Chenle rolls his eyes again. “Spare your dignity. I have no interest in watching you beg.”

“Then what can I do?”

“Didn’t Mark talk to you about leaving me alone?”

“He talked to me about not fighting with you all the time. Which is what I don’t wanna do anyway. He didn’t say I couldn’t talk to you.”

“What do you wanna talk about, Jeno?” Chenle’s exasperated, frustrated, and maybe…a little sad. Jeno’s not sure. “Why do you wanna talk now? What the fuck could we possibly have to say to each other?”

Jeno wishes he knew why Chenle is so mad at him. He knows he fucked up when he left, and he knows he wasn’t that great when he first came back, but Chenle being the one still the most upset with him just doesn’t make sense to him. It could be that he’s just mad on Renjun’s behalf, but even Renjun’s not this angry anymore.

More confused than accusatory, Jeno asks, “Do you hate me that much?”

“I don’t hate you.”

Surprisingly enough, Jeno believes that. If Chenle really did hate him, Jeno doesn’t think he’d have any problem telling him. Donghyuck has told him more than once that the boys don’t hate him, maybe have never hated him. But Chenle certainly doesn’t like him. Maybe he should just leave him alone.

“Chenle, I would like to try to make things better between us. I care about you just like I care about the rest of the boys.”

“You don’t have to. I’m not asking you to.”

Chenle’s so firm, so resolute with his words, and Jeno can feel his annoyance building. He’s trying to keep it down. He promised Mark he wouldn’t fight with Chenle anymore, but he doesn’t know why Chenle has to be like this. Even Donghyuck, who Jeno never got along with, is willing to try to put all that behind them. He wonders if Chenle just likes being mad.

“It’s not really something I can control, dude. And what’s the point in us ignoring each other all the time? If we’re gonna be around each other, couldn’t we at least be on speaking terms?”

“I’m talking to you right now.”

“You know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t, really. You want me to act like everything’s fine? Like we’re all friends again? No, thanks. It’s better if we just stay away from each other.”

Once again, Jeno fights the irritation. “Chenle, I get it. I left. And I’m sorry.”

“Cool, you’re sorry. The time for that was seven fucking years ago.”

“You know what? Fine. Have it your way. Be pissed at me for the rest of your fucking life. I thought maybe we could actually talk this out, but I guess not.”

Chenle abruptly pushes himself away from the wall and turns his whole body to face Jeno directly. “You wanna talk it out? Let’s talk it out. Let’s talk about the way Jisung sobbed when we all finally had to stop lying to ourselves and accept that you weren’t coming back. Let’s talk about how Shotaro kept calling you months after we knew it was hopeless because he couldn’t let go yet. Let’s talk about Donghyuck being wasted more than he was sober in the months after you left, let’s talk about Doyoung apologizing to us for you. Let’s talk about how Mark and Jaemin’s whole friendship could have been ruined, let’s talk about how Renjun has never fucking been the same. If you wanna talk it out with me, you better be prepared to talk about all of that, because I was here for all of it. Not you.”

Jisung and Shotaro look over at the two of them uncertainly. Jeno knows he shouldn’t, but he speaks before he’s completely thought his words through.

“And what about you, Chenle? Why are you always fighting everyone else’s battles? Don’t you think you should let them handle them on their own?”

“You left me too. I don’t expect you to care, but you could at least remember it at times other than when it’s convenient for you.”

“So you’re just gonna punish me for it for the rest of my life?”

Jeno is dimly aware of Jisung groaning, “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” but he’s too focused on Chenle to really pay attention to it.

“I’ve been leaving you the fuck alone,” Chenle says. “You’re the one who came over here and wanted to talk.”

“Guys, don’t fight,” Shotaro says.

“I thought we could try to come to an understanding,” Jeno says to Chenle. “You know, like adults?”

“I thought we were,” Chenle replies. “I’m helping you understand what you did.”

“I know what I did. I’m trying to make it right. But you’ve already decided not to even give me a chance.”

“Guys,” Shotaro tries again.

“Why should I give you a chance? You wouldn’t even give yourself one. You hid from us for years because on some level you must’ve known how messed up what you did was. And now you wanna say that you care about us? How much could you have possibly cared about Jaemin when you were telling Mark he was in love with him?”

“Chenle,” Jisung interjects nervously.

“How much could you have cared about Renjun when you were using him as a distraction because Jaemin didn’t love you? I knew, I fucking knew something wasn’t right there.”

“Why didn’t you call me out, then?” Jeno asks. “If you knew I didn’t love Renjun, why didn’t you tell him?”

Chenle glares at him, the anger in his eyes almost palpable, but he doesn’t speak.

“Did you not care about Renjun?”

“Jeno,” Jisung says, perhaps even more nervous than he was a moment ago.

“Shut up,” Chenle says, voice low.

“Or is that just a lie?” Jeno asks. “Did you really know, or does it just make you feel smart to say that you did?”

“Shut up,” Chenle repeats.

“It’s really easy for you to lecture me now, because you weren’t in my position. You don’t know what it was like.”

“Jeno,” Jisung says again, almost frantically, but Shotaro puts a hand on his arm, like he’s trying to tell him to stop talking. He’s not looking at Jeno like Jisung is. He’s looking at Chenle. There’s so much rage on Chenle’s face that Jeno thinks he’s going to explode.

He doesn’t. Very quietly, his voice shaking a little, he says, “Fuck you. I actually fucking love him, so don’t tell me I don’t know. I thought I was jealous. I thought I was making things up and overreacting to shit because I was upset that he liked you and not me. I trusted you. I didn’t believe you would do something like that.”

His eyes are turning a bit red around the edges. Jeno doesn’t even remember the last time he saw Chenle cry.

“And that’s something I’m always gonna have to live with,” Chenle finishes. All of Jeno’s irritation and anger is suddenly gone. He’s not even sure what to say.

He doesn’t have to say anything. With either the worst or the best timing, the others come back, laughing amongst themselves until they pick up on the tense atmosphere in the room.

“The fuck’s going on in here?” Donghyuck asks.

“Lele?” Renjun says. “What’s wrong?”

Chenle swipes at his eyes, not saying a word as he leaves the room. With a hasty “oh, fuck”, Jisung follows him.

“Chenle!” Renjun calls, but he’s already gone. Renjun turns on Jeno with a level of anger Jeno hasn’t seen since he first came back. “Jeno, what the fuck?”

“Let’s call it a night,” Shotaro says immediately, rushing over to Renjun and putting his arms around him like he’s afraid he might lunge at Jeno. Gently, he starts nudging him towards the door. “Come on, let’s go.”

Renjun glares at Jeno all the way out of the room. Mark and Jaemin are speaking urgently but quietly to each other, quiet enough that Jeno can’t tell what they’re saying. Donghyuck watches them for a moment before he comes over to Jeno.

“Come with me,” he says. He holds out his hand when Jeno looks at him a bit doubtfully. “I’m not gonna yell at you, I promise. But Renjun definitely will if he comes back.”

Mark and Jaemin leave the room without saying anything to Jeno or Donghyuck. Donghyuck smiles a little.

“Any day now.”

Jeno takes Donghyuck’s hand and follows him out of the studio. The others are nowhere in sight when they get to Mark and Jaemin’s living room, and Donghyuck keeps leading him to the front door.

“Where are we going?” Jeno asks.

“Somewhere where we can talk,” Donghyuck replies. Jeno’s a bit surprised by that answer, but Donghyuck doesn’t seem mad—or smug—so Jeno keeps following him out of the house.

Donghyuck certainly was right when he said that Renjun was Chenle’s favorite. Jeno wonders if the other boys know.

He wonders also if things really are forever ruined between him and Chenle.

If you asked Mark Lee when his future with the Neos began, he might say when he first picked up a guitar. If you asked Jisung Park, he might say the day he was brought home from the hospital to a house next to the Na family. If you asked Chenle Zhong, he would say the day his mother looked at him and thought Dear Lord, my son is a loser.

It wasn’t his fault. He’d been relocated to an entirely different country, he barely spoke the language, and it was simpler to just hide in his room night after night instead of trying to make friends with kids he couldn’t really communicate with. He was trying, putting in plenty of effort with his teachers, but he was far from confident. Luckily, his mother had the perfect solution. She’d met another Chinese family that lived in town, and they had a son who was just a year older than Chenle was. Chenle had no choice in the matter. He was going to be making a friend whether he liked it or not.

Chenle wouldn’t say he and Renjun hit it off right away. Their parents were making them hang out, which wasn’t a great start, and they clashed while still trying to figure each other out. Renjun was more mature than his years, which meant that Chenle thought he was lame, and Chenle was rambunctious and loud, which meant that Renjun thought he was annoying. For a long time it seemed like the only thing they really had in common besides being Chinese was their skill on the piano. That was something that neither one of them could deny about the other, and that was what ultimately brought them together, because Renjun was just a little bit better than Chenle, and they both knew it. Chenle couldn’t stand it, but Renjun, though smug, was, of course, more mature—always more mature—and taught Chenle how to play more advanced songs and gave him pointers here and there to go with it, all without being condescending about it even though he easily could’ve been. Chenle probably would’ve been, if their roles had been reversed. But it was through that that Chenle learned that Renjun actually had a pretty good sense of humor, and he did know how to have fun, and he was still just a teenage boy and not a seventy-year-old man trapped in a teenage boy’s body. Through that, they became friends.

Renjun helped him make other friends, too, because Chenle was still very not confident with his Korean. It’s funny now to think of the way Chenle used to follow Renjun around, even when they didn’t really get along, just because Renjun could speak a language Chenle spoke fluently and that made Chenle feel better. Renjun introduced him to the boy who would eventually become his best friend, Park Jisung. But no matter how Chenle’s Korean improved and how many other friends he made, no one could ever replace Renjun. Renjun was special. Chenle was aware of that fairly early on, even without really understanding it.

Chenle knew for a very long time that Renjun had a crush on Jeno. Renjun didn’t tell him—Chenle’s not even sure now if Renjun ever explicitly told him—but he could tell even back in high school. He does remember Renjun coming out to him, so nervous he switched from Chinese to Korean and then back again, but Chenle already knew, at least that he liked boys, because he knew he liked Jeno. Renjun laughed at the jokes Jeno made even when they weren’t funny, he blushed furiously any time Jeno complimented him, he brought Jeno up all the time even when there was barely a reason to.

Sometimes, Chenle didn’t really like Jeno. He told himself that he was just upset that Renjun didn’t have as much time for him anymore, that Renjun would rather hang out with Jeno than with him, and he wasn’t really lying to himself. He was upset about those things. He was lying to himself when he told himself he only saw Renjun as a friend.

It was a long journey of denial, but Chenle eventually admitted, at least to himself, that he had a crush on Renjun. He resolved not to let it get in the way of his friendship with Jeno, because they were friends, even if Chenle was jealous. They were literally playing in a band together. Jeno was a good guy, anyway. It wasn't like Renjun was crushing on some asshole who would treat him like shit if anything ever happened between them.

So Chenle thought at the time, at least.

Chenle thought sometimes during high school that Jeno might have had a crush on Jaemin. Sometimes he even thought that maybe Jaemin had a crush on Jeno too. He never felt sure like he did with Renjun’s feelings for Jeno. He forgot about any suspicions he had after Renjun and Jeno told them all they were dating. He tried to forget, at least. He told himself he needed to forget. He had been mistaken. That was all. No matter how he wondered about things from time to time, he didn’t believe Jeno would lie to Renjun like that. He was just bitter that Renjun was dating someone else. It wasn’t until near the end of Renjun and Jeno’s relationship that he started to have really strong doubts, but even then he couldn’t be sure. He still didn’t want to think that Jeno would do something like that.

He looks back now and it’s like it was staring him in the face. Everything he just ignored because he thought he was making it up, he was right about the whole time. Every doubt, every concern, every feeling that something just wasn’t right.

The morning after the party, he went to Renjun’s place with him and just stared at the ceiling, Renjun curled up next to him, thankfully asleep. You stupid son of a bitch, he thought, over and over again. Why didn’t you say anything? He couldn’t think of any other reason why Jeno would’ve done what he did to Jaemin, why he’d been being such an asshole to Mark since his birthday—his birthday when Jaemin had gifted him a guitar—why he’d spent months being so moody and withdrawn. Chenle was remembering all the shit he’d just brushed off, and he knew he was right.

He had no fucking clue how to tell Renjun. In the end, he didn’t have to.

They all went to Mark and Jaemin’s place for Jaemin’s birthday, even though they weren’t really having a party. Jaemin had almost insisted they not even come over. They tried not to talk about Jeno, but of course they failed. Jeno was on all of their minds. Some of them had wondered if he would break his silence for Jaemin’s birthday.

“He’s gonna have a lot to make up for when he comes back,” Mark said, and Donghyuck, who hadn’t said much for most of the night, began to giggle maniacally. “Did I say something funny?”

“He’s not fucking coming back,” Donghyuck said, slurring his words terribly.

“Donghyuck, how much have you had to drink?” Renjun asked.

“I don’t know, it’s not important. What’s important is that Jeno is never fucking coming back. Ever. In a million years. Goodbye.”

Renjun watched him in concern. “Someone get him something to eat.”

“Oh my God, I’m okay. Great. Can we fucking focus? We’re talking about Jeddo.” Donghyuck frowned. “Jeno. Jesus Christ.”

“Holy fuck, dude, how much have you had to drink?” Mark asked.

“It is Nana’s birthday, let me have a good fucking time.”

“Why do you think Jeno’s not coming back?” Jaemin asked, apparently the only one willing to ignore how drunk Donghyuck was. Donghyuck grinned.

“He’s in love with you, Nana. Always has been.”

There was a moment of absolute silence, and then Renjun laughed awkwardly and said, “He is not.”

“He is so,” Donghyuck insisted. “Come on, I’m not the only one who knows. Chenle” –Donghyuck pointed an unsteady finger at him— “Chenle, I bet you know. I’ve seen how angry you’ve been. Taro, you—you’ve been thinking it too, haven’t you? Not too hard because you’re too nice, but you’ve been thinking it.”

“Donghyuck, you’re drunk,” Renjun said.

“Doesn’t mean I’m not right. Come on, why the fuck do you think he got so mad at Jaemin at the party in the first place? Why do you think he’d been yelling at Mark for every little thing he did since his birthday? He told us himself, Jaemin’s in love with Mark. And not in love with Jeno.”

“That—that’s not true,” Renjun said. “That can’t be true.”

“I’m sorry, Junnie.” Donghyuck did sound genuinely remorseful. “But I think we all know it is. Just think about it for a while and you’ll see. That’s why Jeno won’t even answer your calls. He doesn’t love you. He loves Jaemin.”

“That’s not true,” Renjun said, a bit desperately. “Chenle, tell him you don’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.”

Chenle wanted to. Chenle wished he could. But he knew exactly what Donghyuck was talking about, and he didn’t think Donghyuck was wrong. He could only stare mutely back at Renjun, which surely told Renjun everything he needed to know.

“It’s true,” Donghyuck said. “And he’s never coming back to face us now.”

Renjun was still looking at Chenle, hurt all across his face. In a tiny voice, he asked, “You—you knew?”

“Renjun—”

“No.” Renjun got up from the chair he’d been sitting on in one jerky motion, looking at Chenle almost like he was afraid of him. “No, you—you—”

Renjun couldn’t even finish his thought. He turned and fled the room, ignoring Jisung, Mark, and Shotaro all calling for him. Chenle practically sprinted after him, catching up to him in the kitchen.

“Wait, Renjun,” he pleaded, grabbing Renjun’s wrist. Renjun shook him off but turned to face him.

“You knew?!” Renjun nearly shrieked. “What does that even mean?! Did he—did he tell you?”

“No, Renjun, no, he didn’t tell me anything. I just…figured it out.”

“You figured it out?! And you didn’t say anything?! How long? Have you known the whole time we’ve been together?”

“No, of course not. I didn’t know until he left.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?! Did you like watching me make a fool of myself?! I wanted—I wanted to go see him, to help him, because I thought he needed me, and you were just going to go on letting me believe—”

“No, Renjun, that’s not what I wanted. I just didn’t know how to tell you. You’ve been so upset, and I didn’t wanna make it worse.”

Chenle braced himself for the worst Renjun could dish out; he knew extremely well what Renjun was like when he was really mad. But Renjun didn’t continue to yell. He collapsed against Chenle before Chenle could prepare for it, crying into Chenle’s shoulder and saying, “You should have told me.”

“I know, I know. I’m sorry.”

Renjun didn’t say anything, but Chenle figured from the way Renjun was holding onto him and not yelling at him that he was forgiven. It didn’t make him feel any better. Renjun was in pain, and Chenle had known. Chenle could’ve prevented all of this, could’ve spared Renjun some heartbreak if he’d just said something. If he’d trusted his gut instead of his head. If he hadn’t trusted Jeno the way he had.

He couldn’t tell Renjun that. That would’ve been a lot harder for him to forgive.

Doyoung showed up a little later that night and confirmed what Chenle, at least, was already sure of. And that was it. A new era for the Neos began. Jeno was gone. Renjun’s never been quite the way he was once. Chenle has been pissed for years.

He’s not half as pissed at Jeno as he is at himself.

Deep down, Chenle knows that he can’t keep fighting with Jeno the way he has been. It’s not going to fix anything. It’s not going to change what was done. It’s not even that cathartic anymore. But Jeno just reminds him of all the shit he should’ve done and didn’t.

Chenle still loves Renjun just like Jaemin still loves Mark. Renjun doesn’t know, and that’s the way it has to stay. Chenle will be fine in the end. He’ll figure it out. As long as Renjun is okay, Chenle will be too.

Jaemin wakes up in the middle of the night, and he can see a dim glow in the hallway that means there are still lights on somewhere in the house. Mark has been doing better lately, but it’s far from perfect. Jaemin rubs his eyes and forces himself out of bed.

The light is coming from the living room, and as Jaemin walks closer he can hear Lynyrd Skynyrd—“Tuesday’s Gone”. When the living room is in view, he sees Mark sitting on the floor surrounded by paper, some crumpled up into little balls and some torn into pieces, something Mark doesn’t do unless something’s really wrong.

But Jaemin didn’t need the paper to tell him that.

“Mark,” Jaemin says quietly, and Mark looks up. Jaemin doesn’t think he knew he was there.

“Is the music too loud?” he asks immediately. “I’m sorry. I can turn it down.”

Jaemin pushes some scraps and balls of paper out of his way so he can sit down next to Mark. “The music is fine, Markie. You’re not. You shouldn’t be trying to write at this time of night, not if it’s not working. I know I sound like a broken record, but you need to sleep. You look exhausted.”

“I tried, Jaeminie. I can’t.”

Jaemin figured. “What’s bothering you? Is it what happened tonight, with Jeno and Chenle?”

Mark shakes his head. “No, that’s…I was afraid something like that would happen with those two, but it’s not a surprise.”

Mark went to talk with Chenle and Jisung afterwards while Jaemin stayed with Renjun and Shotaro, and they both learned that Chenle and Jeno had in fact fought (again), but everyone who had been in the room at the time didn’t want to say too much about what was said. Jaemin knows Renjun’s pretty upset about it, but Mark said that Chenle didn’t even seem that mad by the time Mark got to him.

“Just a bad night, then?” Jaemin asks. Sometimes it’s as simple as that.

Mark doesn’t really respond. He seems somehow reluctant to.

They’ve been better, the two of them, ever since they had their talk the day Jaemin experienced his first and last hangover. Mark’s been opening up to him more, but sometimes Jaemin still gets the feeling there’s something he hasn’t told him.

“Is there something else?” Jaemin asks. Mark looks away. “You can tell me if there is. You can tell me anything, remember?”

“Anything?”

“Yes, Mark. I’ll help you hide the body if you need me to.”

Mark chuckles. “That’s why I need you. I’d be no good as a murderer by myself.” For a moment, he looks deep in thought, and then he sighs wearily. “Jaeminie, have you ever been in love with someone who didn’t love you back?” He cringes immediately, like he just realized what he said. “Oh, fuck, don’t answer that.”

Jaemin shouldn’t laugh. But he figures that, considering it’s half his heartache they’re talking about, he’s allowed to. But as soon as he’s done, a heavy sadness replaces his amusement. It’s not sadness for himself. He’s had many, many years to get used to it, but he knows how it can hurt.

“I’m so sorry, Mark.”

Mark looks him right in the eyes. “It’s okay, Jaeminie.”

“How do you know they don’t feel the same?”

“He told me.”

Mark confessed to someone. Jaemin had no idea. Jaemin didn’t even know Mark was in love. But he can understand why Mark wouldn’t have wanted to tell him, of all people, about that. That’s probably part of the reason Mark’s been acting so strange around him, as well.

“It doesn’t really matter,” Mark says. “He could never be mine, anyway.”

“Why not?”

“It’s…complicated.”

Jaemin wonders if Mark can’t explain without telling, or at least hinting, who it is. He’ll let Mark keep that secret if he wants to. He knows what it’s like to have something like that revealed before you’re ready.

He does wonder if he was right about Yuta, though, but he’s not going to ask.

“I’m so sorry,” he repeats.

Mark shrugs. “Bad timing.”

Jaemin will have to take his word for it. “So are these the remains of all the sad love songs you can’t write?” he asks, gesturing around towards all the pieces of paper.

“You have no idea.”

Jaemin snickers. “Come on. Let’s clean this up and get you to bed. It’s not helping you to sit up all night thinking about it.”

Mark doesn’t put up a fight. They gather up all the paper, saving what can be saved and throwing away the rest, and then Mark follows Jaemin upstairs.

“I know it doesn’t always feel like it,” Jaemin says outside the door to Mark’s room, “but it’ll be okay. You don’t really wanna take yourself off the market, anyway. Thousands of fans would never recover.”

Mark rolls his eyes and laughs. “You always know exactly what to say.”

Jaemin gives Mark’s hand a quick squeeze. “Goodnight, Markie.”

Mark doesn’t let go as Jaemin tries to go back to his own room. “Jaeminie. Will—will you stay?”

Someday, Jaemin will have to write a song about Mark Lee’s stupid big dark eyes and the way they look when he wants something. Knowing Mark, he’ll have no idea it’s about him.

“Okay. You sleep better when you’re the little spoon, anyway.”

Mark snorts as he starts walking to his bed, Jaemin right behind him. “You never let me be the little spoon.”

“I am the big spoon, like, at least thirty-five percent of the time.”

Mark just laughs. Jaemin thinks for the millionth time that this isn’t the way he should act with the boy he’s in love with who doesn’t love him back. But he and Mark have never been normal with each other, and Mark’s always been honest with him.

As they both try to get to sleep, Jaemin hopes Mark knows how loved he is, not just by Jaemin, but by the whole band, Doyoung, Yuta, Taeyong, Jihyo, Sana, Nayeon, the whole crew, practically everyone they know. Even Jaemin loves Mark in a way that will remain even if the romantic feelings fade away. Jaemin will always love Mark, no matter what. He hopes Mark knows that.

He doesn’t think about the dull pain in his own chest.  He’s done this before. He’ll be okay.

Chapter Text

When Jeno wakes up, he’s not sure where he is for a moment. He’s not in his bed at Doyoung’s house—in fact, he’s not in a bed at all. Then it comes back to him: he crashed on Donghyuck’s couch last night. He’d never actually been inside Donghyuck’s house before yesterday. It’s still somewhat unfamiliar to him. He can hear Donghyuck singing to himself in another room, and he can smell food. He gets up and heads in the direction of the sound and the smell, to Donghyuck’s kitchen.

“Oh, you’re awake,” Donghyuck says when he enters the room. “Breakfast is almost ready. If you’re nice, I’ll let you have some.”

“Gee, thanks,” Jeno says.

“Doyoungie called you earlier. You didn’t wake up, so I answered. Renjun’s at Doyoung’s place, waiting for you.”

Jeno groans. “Fuck. You just couldn’t wait to tell me that, could you?”

Donghyuck grins. “You didn’t tell Doyoung where you were?”

“Must’ve slipped my mind.” Truthfully, Jeno just didn’t want to deal with the teasing. He’s sure Doyoung will have plenty to say about Donghyuck answering Jeno’s phone.

Donghyuck looks at him knowingly. “You’re just making it seem more like you have something to hide.”

Jeno realizes that now. Nothing happened last night. He and Donghyuck just talked. A lot. More than Jeno can ever remember them talking to each other, before or after the band, before or after he left. Jeno was in a talkative mood last night, he’ll admit. The confrontation with Chenle had left him that way.

He hadn’t known Chenle was in love with Renjun, but he supposes it makes sense. He doesn’t know if Donghyuck knows because he certainly didn’t want to be the one to bring it up. They talked a bit about what happened, but Jeno carefully left that part out.

Jeno hadn’t intended to fight with Chenle before it happened. Jeno’s not even mad at Chenle, not really. Chenle just knows how to aggravate him. And apparently Jeno knows how to aggravate Chenle, too. Jeno would like to make things right with him, but he still doesn’t know how to. He’s even more at a loss after what Chenle told him.

“I’m just ashamed to be around you,” Jeno says.

“Wow. I guess you don’t really want breakfast.”

“Wait.”

In the end, Donghyuck does let him eat, and he only has to beg a little. Jeno eats slowly, getting himself prepared for going back to Doyoung’s house. He can’t deny that he’s always been a little afraid of Renjun, even when he was dating him, and he doesn’t know what Chenle has told him.

“Just let Renjun yell and get it out of his system,” Donghyuck says as they’re eating, apparently sensing Jeno’s nervousness. “It’ll be easier for you that way.”

“Renjun doesn’t make things easy for anyone when he’s mad,” Jeno objects. Donghyuck smirks.

“I don’t know about that. I think he could’ve made things a lot harder for you.”

He might have a point there.

“Just tell him what you told me last night, and I don’t think he’ll be able to stay that mad at you,” Donghyuck says, his voice much gentler than what’s typical of him.

“That Chenle makes me want to punch a wall sometimes?”

“Oh my God, no, you idiot. That you love and care about Chenle and you didn’t mean to fight with him and you’re trying to patch things up with him.”

Jeno’s trying, but Chenle really doesn’t seem to want that.

Jeno leaves after breakfast. Doyoung’s right in his face the moment he opens the door at his house, making Jeno wonder if he was just waiting by the door.

“Good to see you,” Doyoung says. “Have fun.”

Before Jeno can even respond, Doyoung’s walking past him out the door. “Where are you going?” Jeno calls, and Doyoung shrugs.

“Somewhere else.”

Jeno watches him until he’s out of sight, and then he shuts the door and turns back towards the living room. Sure enough, Renjun’s sitting in an armchair, looking at him expectantly.

“Uh, hi,” Jeno says.

“What the fuck happened last night?”

“Listen…”

Renjun stands up. “Chenle looked like he was gonna fucking cry. What did you say to him?”

Jeno doesn’t know how to explain this without telling Renjun that Chenle’s in love with him. He’s not doing something like that again.

“Chenle and I just…had a disagreement.”

“No shit. Why can’t you two just leave each other the fuck alone?”

“Renjun, I didn’t wanna start a fight with Chenle last night.”

“What, that just happened on accident?”

“Uh…sort of, actually.”

Renjun crosses his arms. “Jeno, I know Chenle. He doesn’t just cry over nothing. I know this wasn’t just you two yelling at each other like normal.”

“Well, why don’t you ask him?”

Something shifts in Renjun’s expression. He’s still angry, but it’s a little less prominent, not quite able to cover up the dejection and concern. “I did. He won’t tell me anything.”

That’s somehow both surprising and unsurprising at the same time. Jeno didn’t think Chenle would be eager to tell Renjun the reason he was so upset last night, but he thought he’d tell him something.

“Look, I really didn’t mean to fight with him. I’ve been hoping to make things a little better with him, actually. But he’s…stubborn.”

Renjun sighs. “He is. I know he is. And he really doesn’t like you.”

Jeno winces. “Yeah, I’ve noticed.”

Renjun drops back down onto the armchair, almost pouting. “He’s really frustrating sometimes. And so are you.”

Jeno walks over to sit on the couch. “I know. I’m trying to be better.”

“I know.” All the anger has seemingly left Renjun. He just seems tired and despondent now. “Did he tell you something? Or did something specific you said strike a nerve? I’ve been trying to understand why he’s so mad at you, and he won’t tell me shit. But if it’s something that almost made him cry…”

“Renjun…you should hear it from him, not me.”

“So he did tell you something.”

“I don’t think he really wanted to, I just…pissed him off enough.”

“You probably didn’t have to work too hard for that.” Renjun’s smiling a little, which tells Jeno he’s not really scolding him. Jeno chuckles.

“No, not really.”

Renjun shakes his head. “You two…I don’t even know what to do about you two.”

“I’ll apologize to him, okay? I don’t know if he’ll accept it, but I will. And I’ll just leave him alone if that’s what he really wants.”

“I wish you guys could fix things.” Renjun’s quiet, wistful, like he’s talking to himself.

“So do I. But I guess it’s up to him. I can’t make him forgive me for leaving. I can’t make him want to be my friend again.”

“No, you can’t. And I can’t make him do any of that, either. I can’t even make him open up to me half the time.”

Renjun sounds so concerned and so defeated. Jeno wonders for a short moment what Renjun’s exact feelings for Chenle are. He knows Renjun’s always been a little protective of Chenle, was defensive of him even when he didn’t particularly like him. Jeno’s never gotten the feeling that Renjun views Chenle as more than a friend, but he never got the feeling about Chenle, either, and that’s apparently been going on since long before Jeno left.

“Be patient with him,” Jeno advises. “He’s dealing with more than I realized.”

“He’s a dickhead,” Renjun grumbles. He looks at Jeno warningly when he laughs. “Don’t you dare agree with that.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it. Chenle’s an angel.”

Renjun smiles half-heartedly. “Alright, you’re off the hook.”

That was a lot easier than Jeno thought it was going to be. Donghyuck was right about Renjun.

Chenle, however, is certainly going to be much more difficult, if Chenle will even talk to him. But they can’t leave things the way they did last night.

“Thanks,” Jeno says. “By the way, how early did you come over here this morning?”

“Not important.”

Jeno snorts. “No wonder Doyoung left so fast.”

“Shut up, Doyoung loves me. And how was I supposed to know you spent the night at Donghyuck’s?”

Renjun doesn’t quite smirk at him, but it’s close, and Jeno knows exactly what it means.

“Stop that. Nothing happened. We just talked until it was late enough that I didn’t feel like coming back here.”

“You and Donghyuck?”

“Yeah, I know, I’m surprised too. But…you know, the only reason I didn’t really like him before I quit the band was because I was holding a grudge about how he treated Jaemin when we were all literally children. I think it’s time to finally let that go.”

Renjun raises his eyebrows. “I’m impressed.”

Jeno shrugs. “He’s not…that bad. I don’t always understand him, though.”

Renjun nods, and Jeno can’t be sure, but he thinks he looks a bit sad. “No one does. That’s how he likes it.”

“Is everything okay between him and the rest of you guys?”

“I…don’t know. I can’t get him to talk to me either. He seems to disappear a lot. He’s been better since you’ve been back, but…I don’t know. I really don’t know. I can tell something’s still off with him, but he won’t tell me anything. And I don’t think he’s talked to anyone else about it, either.”

Jeno nods. That doesn’t really surprise him.

“At least it’s never boring around here, I guess,” Renjun says.

“You can say that again. And, um…I doubt he will, but if Donghyuck says anything to me…I’ll let you know.”

“Thanks. Good luck with Chenle.”

Jeno’s probably going to need it.

Renjun leaves soon afterwards, and Jeno checks his phone to see that Doyoung texted sometime while they were talking asking him not to get into any more fights while he’s gone. Renjun probably told Doyoung all about last night, if someone else didn’t first. Everything always gets back to Doyoung. But Doyoung would be proud. Jeno didn’t even fight with Renjun. And he doesn’t want to fight with Chenle again.

At least now he understands exactly why Chenle’s so mad. Hopefully that’ll make it a little easier to talk to him.

Yuta comes to the house right in the middle of Jisung trying to raise Chenle’s spirits, and honestly, it’s a nice distraction. When Chenle’s dedicated to sulking, there’s not really anything anyone can do about it. It was a long night last night, probably because it’s been a long time since Chenle’s talked about any of that shit out loud. Jisung already knew about everything Chenle said, and at some point Shotaro either figured it out or was told (Jisung’s never been sure), but as far as he knows, no one else in the band knows, not about Chenle being in love with Renjun nor Chenle being the first one out of all of them to figure out Jeno was in love with Jaemin, even if he didn’t really believe it. Jisung’s sure Chenle didn’t tell Mark everything when they went to dinner together. Renjun certainly doesn’t know.

Funny that Jeno should know before the rest of the band.

Yuta grins when Jisung comes to the door. “Jisung. Just the man I wanted to see.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Jisung says immediately. Yuta snorts.

“Do I look like Doyoung? You’re not in trouble. I just wanna talk. Is Chenle home?”

“Uh, yeah, he’s upstairs. You want me to go get him?”

Yuta shakes his head. “I’m not here for him. Well, I guess I sort of am. But I’m sure he’s not gonna tell me anything, and you might. Walk with me?”

“Um, sure. Just a second.” Jisung hurries over to the stairs and calls, “Chenle, Yuta’s here. I’ll be out for a bit.”

“Have fun,” Chenle calls back, sounding at least mildly like he means it. Jisung goes back to Yuta and follows him out of the house.

“Well, you know how fast word travels,” Yuta says as they walk down the driveway. “Jeno and Chenle just can’t get along, can they?”

“Not really,” Jisung says.

“How’s Chenle doing now?”

“He’s…upset.” Jisung’s not sure he can say more than that. There’s a lot he’s promised Chenle he won’t tell anyone else about.

“Right. Thought he might be. Doyoung said Renjun sure was.” Yuta is quiet for a moment. “So. I’m sure I don’t have the full story, but would it be fair to say this all has something to do with Chenle being in love with Renjun?”

Jisung’s eyes widen. He didn’t know Yuta knew. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t want to sell Chenle out. Finally, Yuta smiles.

“You’re a good friend, Jisung, but you need to work on your poker face.”

Jisung blushes. “I didn’t think anyone besides me and Shotaro knew. No one else has ever said anything.”

“I can’t take full credit. Sana has a sixth sense for this kind of stuff. I don’t know why she always bounces her ideas off of me, of all people, but maybe it’s just my charming personality. It’s not really important.”

“Does anyone else besides you and Sana know?”

“Not that I know of. I probably would’ve heard about it by now if Doyoung or Taeyong knew, at least. They like to stress about those types of things. But Chenle’s kinda subtle, and you and him still living together distracts people.”

Jisung can’t argue with that. “I guess you’re right.”

“So, the fight Jeno and Chenle had last night—the fights Jeno and Chenle have been having. They’re not just because Chenle’s still mad Jeno left, are they?”

Jisung shakes his head hesitantly. “No.”

“I didn’t think so.” Yuta turns his head to look at Jisung. “Are they really just because Chenle’s in love?”

Jisung can keep a secret, but he’s not a very good liar, not when he’s being asked something point blank. He looks away from Yuta.

“I’m not supposed to talk about it.”

“I can respect that. I don’t need specifics. I’m probably not the person who needs to know, anyway. That’s the problem with you guys. None of you talk to each other, even when you need to.”

Jisung thinks about Jaemin, and how long he went thinking Jaemin was mad at him. “Yeah, I know.”

“You have no idea.” Yuta’s voice is soft, and he doesn’t speak with a lot of emotion, and yet somehow he seems so frustrated all the same. Jisung wonders what he knows that Jisung doesn’t.

“We’re working on it.” Jisung thinks that’s true of some of them, at least.

Yuta nods, and then hesitates for a moment before he says, “Last night was different, wasn’t it? I mean, it wasn’t just a typical fight between the two of them, was it?”

“Yeah, last night was different.” Jisung hesitates a moment himself. “Chenle, uh…he told Jeno he’s in love with Renjun.”

Yuta raises his eyebrows. “Damn.”

“I don’t think he really planned on it. It was sort of a heat of the moment thing.”

“I get it. But, uh…did Renjun hear that?”

“No. Shotaro and I were the only other ones in the room when the whole thing happened. The others only saw how upset Chenle was.”

“Jesus Christ, what is it with you and Shotaro?”

“I know, right?”

Yuta chuckles before falling quiet. He’s quiet for so long that Jisung starts to wonder if the conversation’s over.

“Is that all you wanted to talk about?” he asks. Yuta makes a noncommittal sound.

“I’m more or less just checking in. Doyoung’s worried you’re, like, all one second away from killing each other.”

“I don’t think we’re that bad. And I don’t think even Jeno and Chenle are going to kill each other.”

“Well, that’s reassuring.”

“You sound like you don’t believe me.”

“No, I do. I think if any of you guys were gonna kill each other, you would’ve done it by now. But things are still pretty far from perfect. I…I know I said I didn’t need specifics, and I don’t, but Doyoung’s going to fret himself to death if Chenle and Jeno keep fighting like this.”

“Mark already talked to Chenle about it, and I think he might’ve talked to Jeno, too. Chenle’s been trying to just leave Jeno alone. I don’t think he wants to fight with Jeno, at least not anymore. I just don’t know if he knows how to be civil with him.”

Chenle cooled down very easily last night. Jisung was a little surprised. But he thinks that Chenle telling Jeno the things he did killed a lot of his anger, and brought regret in its place.

“I think Jeno’s maybe trying to be nicer to Chenle, too,” Jisung says. “When they started talking last night, they were both calm.”

“That’s good to know. Maybe you drama queens still have a chance to get your acts together. You think Chenle’s gonna be okay?”

“Yeah, Chenle will be okay. About this, at least.”

Yuta smiles knowingly. “But there’s that thing you can’t talk about.”

Jisung’s seen what can happen when someone talks about something they promised they wouldn’t. “Yeah. There’s that.”

“You know, if I’d stayed in Seoul, I could’ve probably owned my own recording studio by now. Instead, day after day, I watch you all refuse to deal with your problems.”

“At least that means that you get to see us regularly.”

“Fair enough. Anyway, how are you doing?”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. I said I was checking in. That includes on you. It’s been a rough year so far. How are you doing?”

One thing Jisung has always liked about Yuta is that he doesn’t treat him like he’s always a little worried Jisung might break if not handled carefully. That makes it very easy to tell him the truth.

“I’m okay. Better, I guess, since I talked some stuff out with Jaemin that I probably should’ve talked out with him a long time ago. I’m just…worried about the other boys. But I’m always worried about something.”

“You’re not the only one, Jisungie. That’s why I’m here.”

“Shouldn’t you be talking to the others, then?”

“Oh, they will all be talked to, don’t worry about that. Not necessarily by me, but by someone.”

Jisung assumes he’s referring to Doyoung, Taeyong, Jihyo, Sana, and Nayeon. He thinks they might need to pay all of them more money for all the work they do just taking care of the band.

“Besides,” Yuta says, “you’re my favorite.”

Jisung laughs. “I am not.”

“Of course you are. Why do you think I’ve given you all my music production tips? You’re gonna be my successor.”

“Our music wouldn’t be as good without you.”

“See, this is why you’re my favorite. You’re also not completely impossible to talk to. That helps.”

“Um, thank you?”

“No, thank you.”

Jisung frowns and looks at Yuta curiously. “How are you doing?”

“I am fine. If more people listened to me, they’d probably be fine, too. But there’s nothing I can do about that.”

“Uh-huh.” Jisung doesn’t really know what he’s talking about.

“Anyway. Taeyong’s probably gonna be talking to Chenle sometime today, but let him know I’m available too. I have been moonlighting as a love doctor these days.”

Jisung still doesn’t really know what he’s talking about. “Do you want me to tell him that?”

“You can if you want to.”

“I don’t know if it would help. Chenle doesn’t really like to talk about…anything, really, but Renjun especially.”

It’s a little impressive, actually, how Chenle can act like he doesn’t have feelings for Renjun at all, even around Jisung, who knows he does. And Chenle knows he knows. But most of the time he doesn’t say anything about it unless Jisung does, doesn’t even hint that he sees Renjun differently from the rest of the band. If Jisung didn’t know any better, he’d say he’s in denial.

Jisung does know better.

“Well, then you keep it in mind.”

It takes Jisung a moment to process what that even means, but once he does, he freezes, literally right in his tracks. Yuta doesn’t even stop, just turns his head back, smiling.

“Sana,” he says. “I keep telling her she needs to start putting money on this stuff with Ten and Yangyang. She’d clean up.”

It’s another second or two before Jisung gets his feet working again. “I’m not sure I like being your favorite. Is…is it obvious?”

Yuta’s still smiling, sympathetically. “No, Jisung, it’s not obvious. And unless you ever wanna talk about it, I don’t even know.”

Jisung’s never wanted to talk about it. He and Chenle are very similar in that area.

“I’ll let you know. You know, if you know.”

Yuta laughs. “I’m sure that made perfect sense. Anyway, as long as you’re doing okay.”

“I am. I’ve been a lot worse.” Jisung’s quiet for a moment, looking around. “Hey, Yuta?”

“Yeah?”

“Where are we going?”

“I don’t fucking know. We’ll find our way back eventually, I’m sure.”

They probably will. It’s hard to get lost around here if you don’t wander off into the woods. And Yuta’s a good person to have around if you did get lost because, at the very least, it would be funny.

Chenle is probably happy being left alone for a while, anyway. Jisung has plenty of time.

Shotaro’s house has turned into a zoo.

The issue is that Sungchan has a key, because he’s the one who comes to take care of things when Shotaro’s not around, but Sungchan is easily swayed by Ten and Yangyang and Jungwoo, which means it’s not that weird for Shotaro to be going about his business and then suddenly hear his front door open and people shouting at him about what kind of snacks he has on hand. As far as he knows, apart from Yangyang with Renjun, they don’t do this to anyone else in the band. One of these days, Shotaro’s going to change the security code, just to see what they do.

It’s very bad today, because not only are Sungchan, Yangyang, Ten, and Jungwoo here, but so are Sicheng, Donghyuck, and Sana. Shotaro thinks it all has to do with Chenle and Jeno fighting last night, but he doesn’t know why they’ve all come to him. He also doesn’t know why not a single one of them has anything else to do.

Sana was the last to get here, and she seems very amused to see the crowd. “Always so good at making friends, ever since you were a kid,” she says.

“I don’t know where they keep coming from,” Shotaro replies. She laughs.

“Well, I’m supposed to be seeing how you’re doing.” She looks around. “It seems like a lot of people had the same idea.”

“They’re just here to gossip. I think. I’m not really sure. And I’m fine. It was nice of you to come because you had to, though.”

“I don’t have to worry too much about you. You’re not a problem child. I don’t think you are, anyway. Are you?”

Shotaro shrugs. “I don’t know, Doyoung seems to like me.”

“That’s true.” Sana looks again at the group of people congregated in his living room. “Too bad he’s not here, too.”

“Sana,” Ten calls, “come talk about the Neos’ neverending drama with us.”

“Do they know about yesterday?” Sana asks Shotaro quietly.

“Yangyang spent the night at Renjun’s place,” Shotaro replies.

“Ah.”

To Yangyang’s credit, he seems genuinely concerned. About both Renjun and Chenle. Shotaro knows Renjun was really worked up last night, especially after Chenle left Mark and Jaemin’s before he could actually talk to him face-to-face. Shotaro got updates from Jisung, so he knows Chenle’s okay, but Renjun surely wants to know what Jeno and Chenle said to each other.

Chenle needs to tell Renjun something. For his own peace of mind. But Shotaro might as well be expecting him to chop his own arm off.

“Nothing else interesting happens around here, it seems,” Donghyuck says with a grin.

“Stop being so fascinating,” Sana says, walking over to the group, “and they’ll have nothing to talk about.”

“I didn’t even do anything.”

“Yet,” Jungwoo says.

“I’ve been good since the start of the tour.”

Shotaro doesn’t know if anyone else here ever found out about Donghyuck and Jeno sleeping together. He could point it out, but he’s not that petty.

“You haven’t been good a day in your life,” Yangyang accuses. Donghyuck gasps loudly.

“I can’t believe you would even say something like that.”

Some of the others laugh, and then it seems like ten different conversations break out at once even though there’s not even that many people here. From what Shotaro can hear, they’re all related to the Neos in some way. He’s not surprised. Donghyuck turns to him, grinning again, and beckons him to come closer with one finger. Shotaro goes over to him.

“So how bad is it, Taro?” Donghyuck asks.

“Didn’t you leave with Jeno last night?” Shotaro says. “How much did he tell you?”

“Oh, you know. Chenle got mad, Jeno got mad, they both said some mean things to each other, the usual. But Chenle seemed awfully upset.”

He was. Shotaro wonders when the last time Chenle actually talked about any of that was. He’s been holding onto it and letting it fester since Jeno left.

“Jeno just…hit a sore spot for him. I don’t think he really meant to, he just did.”

Donghyuck nods. “Do you think Chenle’s ever going to be able to forgive him?”

Not until he forgives himself, Shotaro thinks.

“I don’t know.”

Donghyuck nods again, and he seems very serious and thoughtful suddenly. “The other boys seem to be doing okay with Jeno, though, don’t you think? Better, at least? Renjun—Renjun especially. I mean, besides last night.”

Renjun is strong, a lot stronger than he ever gives himself credit for.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“That’s good.” Like he’s talking to himself, Donghyuck adds, “Maybe everything will be okay after all.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, nothing, Taro. I’m just thinking out loud.”

“Right. Are you doing okay?”

Donghyuck looks surprised. A little too surprised. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Donghyuck.” Shotaro gives him his best disappointed look because he knows Donghyuck hates that. As expected, Donghyuck grimaces.

“Oh, stop that. You know I can’t stand to upset you.”

“Then stop acting like I don’t know anything about you.”

“Alright, fair enough. But I’m okay. Haven’t done anything stupid lately. I think. You don’t have to worry about me.”

Shotaro does worry about Donghyuck. He’s a born performer, but sometimes Shotaro thinks he doesn’t know when to stop.

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

“Oh, Taro, you’re so sweet. I know. And I will, if I need to.”

Shotaro wonders if that’s true.

“What’re you guys talking about?” Yangyang asks, abruptly changing his position to be closer to the two of them.

“What is everyone talking about?” Donghyuck says.

“Point taken.” Yangyang looks between Shotaro and Donghyuck closely. “You guys are all really fucking weird about each other, you know?”

“Yeah,” Shotaro and Donghyuck say almost in unison. By himself, Donghyuck says, “But you guys are the ones who can never stop talking about us.”

“To be fair, I kinda became a part of this when Renjun called me last night.” Yangyang frowns. “You know, I never really forgot about the angry cleaning thing, but I forgot how…intense it can be.”

Donghyuck giggles. “I once pissed him off bad enough that he started cleaning the hotel room bathroom.”

Yangyang snorts. “Why doesn’t that surprise me?”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about him, though. Jeno felt bad last night, he said so himself. And Renjun’s reasonable even when he’s mad.”

“I know that, but what about Chenle?”

Donghyuck looks uncertain. “We’ll see, I guess.”

“I guess we will.” Yangyang looks at Shotaro expectantly.

“What?” Shotaro asks. Yangyang very conspicuously looks around before he leans in conspiratorially.

“Are you ever gonna ask Sungchan out?”

“Oh my God, I thought we were talking about Chenle.”

“Are you, though?” Donghyuck asks. Shotaro looks at both of them.

“Are you guys betting on this?” he says.

“Is the answer to this question going to affect whether or not you do it?” Yangyang asks slowly, which is an answer itself.

“I should’ve figured,” Shotaro says.

“I’m just trying to get you a man. And if I happen to come into possession of, say, fifty bucks after you get one, that’s purely coincidental.”

“I’m never dating anyone again.”

“Purely coincidental, Taro!”

Shotaro just smiles at him. He’ll let him try to figure out what it means.

“You should ask him,” Donghyuck says, suddenly laying his head on Shotaro’s shoulder. Shotaro chuckles.

“Why? Because you wanna win someone’s money?”

“No. Because he’s cute, and he’s nice to you, and he’s…stable. Just in case.”

Shotaro looks down, but he can’t see much of Donghyuck’s face at this angle. “What do you mean by that?” he asks.

“It’s not important. You should ask.”

Shotaro meets Yangyang’s eyes. Yangyang shrugs, confused. This is what worries Shotaro. Lately Donghyuck has seemed a lot like he’s waiting or preparing for something, but Shotaro can’t figure out what it is. He thinks it goes back to before Jeno returned. It might have something to do with why Donghyuck wanted Jeno to come on tour with them in the first place.

Donghyuck cares more than he always says, and Shotaro knows he was tired of the unfinished business within the band. But Donghyuck has unfinished business of his own, Shotaro just doesn’t know what it is yet.

Sometimes, Shotaro wonders if you can get burn out from your friends. It’s not a very nice thing to think.

“I’ll think about it,” Shotaro says. He looks at Sungchan, who’s engrossed in a conversation with Jungwoo. He supposes stable isn’t a bad way to describe him. But there’s some deeper meaning there that Shotaro’s not sure he understands.

The doorbell rings.

“I’ll get it,” Sana says, messing up Shotaro’s hair as she walks past him. A moment later, she calls, “Jihyo’s here.”

Shotaro almost laughs. “Go figure.”

“There you are,” Jihyo says when she walks into the room, looking at Donghyuck. “Are you ignoring me?”

Donghyuck pulls his phone out of his pocket and looks at the screen before he looks back at her. “Uh, maybe.”

“Come here. I want to talk to you.”

Donghyuck groans but gets up and walks over to her. Shotaro wonders if Jihyo knows anything he doesn’t. She’s seemed worried lately too.

Then again, who hasn’t?

“This really is a popular place,” Sana says as she comes back over to Shotaro. “People must think you have all the answers.”

“Answers to what?”

Sana shrugs. “Everything, I guess.”

Things would be a lot simpler if Shotaro had the answers to everything. But he’s working on it.

There’s a lot of work to be done, though.

Chapter Text

Jeno waits a day before he tries talking to Chenle again. He knows he can’t put it off too long, but he wants to give Chenle a little space, and he wants more time for himself to figure out what he’s going to say. He’s determined to not let this turn into another fight. And he means it this time.

Jisung answers the door when Jeno knocks, and he looks a little uneasy to see him, but he smiles.

“Hi, Jeno.”

“Hi, Jisung. Is Chenle home?”

Jisung’s smile gets a little tenser. “Uh, yeah. He’s, um—he’s upstairs. I—I can get him, if you want.”

“Would you?”

Jisung nods, still smiling, but he’s starting to look like he’s in pain. “You wanna come in?”

Jeno steps inside, and Jisung walks to the stairs.

“Chenle,” Jisung calls. “Jeno’s here.”

Jeno doesn’t hear a response, and the more time passes, the more it becomes clear that Jisung hasn’t either. He looks over at Jeno awkwardly before opening his mouth to call out again, but right before he does, Jeno thinks he hears a door opening. After another couple seconds, Chenle steps into his line of sight. He doesn’t say anything as he descends the stairs.

“Uh, hey, Chenle,” Jeno says once he’s at the bottom.

“Hey,” Chenle replies.

“Can we talk?”

It takes a long time, but finally Chenle says, “Sure. Why not?”

“I have to restring my bass,” Jisung says before he’s hurrying up the stairs. Chenle watches him go.

“He has to restring his bass every time there’s a situation he doesn’t want to be around for,” he says quietly. He looks at Jeno. “You wanna sit down?”

Jeno nods and follows Chenle to the couch. They sit at opposite ends, giving each other a lot of space. Jeno can’t get a good idea of how Chenle’s feeling. He seems subdued, but that doesn’t mean he’ll stay that way.

“Look, I want to apologize for the other night,” Jeno says. “I said a lot of stuff I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry.”

Chenle shrugs. “It’s not really your fault. I’ve been being a dick.”

Jeno wasn’t expecting him to admit that. He’s not sure how to respond. “Uh, that’s okay. I mean, I get it now. I…I didn’t know you were in love with Renjun.”

“You weren’t supposed to. No one does, except Jisung and Shotaro.”

“I figured I wasn’t supposed to know. But, you know, you’re the one who told me.”

Chenle rolls his eyes. “You pissed me off enough. You’re really good at that, you know?”

“Yeah, I do.”

Chenle sighs. “But I guess I’m really good at pissing you off too, huh?”

“Uh, a little.”

Chenle smiles wryly. “You know, after you left, he dated a bunch of really fucking awful guys. They treated him like shit and he put up with it because that’s what he felt like he deserved. But you know what the worst part was? They weren’t all bad. Eventually he started seeing his own worth again and started dating guys who were good to him. Yangyang was incredible. They really had a chance. But he doesn’t know what to do with guys who don’t wanna break his heart. Things get too serious and he freaks out. He sabotages himself.”

It hurts to hear that, but perhaps it hurts more that Jeno’s not that surprised. He didn’t know the specifics, but it would’ve been foolish to assume that Renjun bounced back fine. He knew that wasn’t true even before he saw Renjun again at the beginning of the year.

And if Renjun went to Chenle with his heartache after Jeno left, then maybe that means that’s who he went to after all his other nasty breakups as well. That would be hard for Chenle to see and deal with even if he wasn’t in love with Renjun.

“And I knew,” Chenle says, voice barely louder than a whisper. “About you. How you felt about Jaemin. I just didn’t want to believe it. You were my friend.”

He looks so young right now somehow, like they’ve been transported back to right before Jeno left, and Chenle’s not even nineteen yet. He watched Jeno date the boy he was in love with and he never said a word, never let anything show. Jeno never had a clue.

“It’s not your fault, Chenle. If I hadn’t done what I did, you wouldn’t have been in that situation at all.”

“But you did, and I was. We both made the wrong choice, and Renjun paid for it. He’s still paying for it. So…I’m sorry I’ve been an asshole. I’ve been taking a lot of my own shit out on you, and it’s not cool. But if you want me to just forget what happened…I don’t know how, man. I wish I did.”

“I don’t want you to just forget. I just want you to know that I am sorry. For everything. And I understand where you’ve been coming from better now. So, like…if you really just want me to leave you the fuck alone, I will.”

“I don’t know, dude. I don’t really want us to have to, like, avoid each other. That’ll just make things hard for everyone else. And I don’t wanna be fighting with you all the time, either.”

“So we don’t avoid each other.” Jeno thinks about what Renjun said to him at the start of all this, when Jeno was first invited to come along on tour. “We can be professional. Civil. You know, actually civil. We don’t have to be assholes to each other but we don’t have to be best friends either.”

Jeno can feel the disappointment as the words leave his mouth. He hadn’t even fully realized just how much he’s missed Chenle until this moment. But just like he told Renjun yesterday, he can’t make Chenle forgive him. And even if Chenle does forgive him, he can’t make everything go back to the way it was. They can only go forward, not back.

“I guess that’s fair,” Chenle says. “I’m sorry I’ve always been trying to pick a fight.”

“It’s okay. I certainly haven’t been perfect. But…I do still care about you. Whether or not you believe that.”

Chenle looks at him like he’s searching his face for sincerity. He doesn’t know what Chenle will see, but he knows he’s telling the truth. He’s always cared about all of the boys, even Donghyuck. He just hasn’t always shown it in the ways he should have.

“I don’t know if that makes anything any better,” Chenle says slowly, “but I’ll keep it in mind.”

Jeno can’t ask for much more from him. “For what it’s worth…I think Renjun would forgive you if he knew. I can tell he’s worried about you.”

Chenle rolls his eyes. “How the fuck do I explain anything to him without telling him that I’ve been in love with him for years?”

“Have you ever thought about…just telling him?”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“Hey, Renjun’s mature. I’m sure he’d be able to handle it.”

“I’m not worried about him not being able to handle it.”

Jeno can tell that he is worried about something, and he doesn’t think it’s just the prospect of Renjun knowing.

“Still. I don’t think he’d be mad at you no matter what you told him. He cares a lot about you.”

“I know. More than he should.”

Jeno frowns. He doesn’t like to hear Chenle talk like that. “Dude, stop that. You not telling Renjun about me really wasn’t your fault.”

Chenle doesn’t respond. Jeno doesn’t know if there’s anything he can say to convince him.

“So,” Jeno says after a moment, “can I tell Doyoung that we’re actually gonna stop fighting with each other?”

Chenle laughs quietly. “I don’t know if he’s gonna believe anything either one of us says.”

“I guess we’ll just have to prove it, then.”

“I guess so.” Chenle extends his hand to Jeno, taking Jeno by surprise. “Starting now?”

Jeno takes his hand and shakes it. “Yeah. Starting now.”

They don’t talk for much longer, and Jeno leaves with a bittersweet sort of feeling. He thinks they have honestly reached some kind of agreement, made some kind of peace with each other, but it’s a long way from what they once were. They’re not really friends now. Jeno doesn’t know if they ever will be again.

But it won’t happen overnight if it happens at all. And this is better than nothing.

Jeno goes back to Doyoung’s, all the while thinking about something Chenle said the other night, overshadowed by the revelation of his feelings for Renjun. With Jeno’s focus on the boys, he thinks there’s someone he’s somewhat forgotten about.

Doyoung’s just getting off the phone when Jeno gets back. He smiles at Jeno, but his eyes are a bit searching. He knows where Jeno just came from.

“How did it go?” he asks.

“A lot better than it could have. He was very calm. We both apologized, and agreed that we need to stop fighting all the time.”

“Do you mean that?”

Jeno glares at Doyoung even though he knows it’s a fair question. “Yes. And he does too.”

“You still haven’t told me what actually happened the other night.”

Jeno and Doyoung talked a lot yesterday, but Jeno didn’t give him the specifics.

“We just fought,” Jeno says. “We know how to hurt each other. But we’re not gonna do that anymore.”

“If you say so.”

Jeno anticipated Doyoung’s doubt. He probably deserves it, Chenle too.

“I do. And by the way?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

Doyoung stills, looking a little taken aback. Evenly, he asks, “For what?”

“A lot of things, really. But when I left…I put you in a really difficult position, and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean for you to be caught in the middle, but…I also didn’t really think about it. I should have. I’m sorry.”

Doyoung smiles a little. “It’s okay, Jeno. It comes with the job.”

Jeno’s not sure if he means being the Neos’ manager or being Jeno’s older brother. Maybe both. He’s not sure if it matters.

“Hey,” Doyoung says. “Come here.”

Doyoung opens his arms for a hug, and Jeno crosses the room to him without a second thought. He gets a flash of a feeling from his childhood, back when Doyoung could do no wrong and Jeno wanted to be just like him someday. Doyoung always knew how to fix everything, no matter what the problem was. That’s how it seemed to Jeno, anyway.

All these years later, Jeno thinks that Doyoung’s still doing a pretty good job, all things considered. Someday he’ll tell him that, once he’s ready for Doyoung to never let him forget that he said it.

“I love you,” Jeno says, once he pulls back from the embrace.

“My little brother telling me he loves me unprompted?” Doyoung says with exaggerated shock. “Miracles do happen.”

“Can you shut the fuck up?”

Doyoung snickers. “That’s more like it. I love you too. Now, I think it’s your turn to make something for lunch.”

Jeno sighs but heads for the kitchen, feeling a little better now than he did when he first got back here. He still doesn’t feel great about the way things are with Chenle, but maybe more time will help. He doesn’t think it can hurt.

One step at a time. That’s all Jeno can do, just take things one step at a time.

He can remember it now, when he really thinks back. The funny looks Chenle would give him every once in a while, not nearly often enough to be called common. Jeno never asked him about it, but the harder he thinks, the more he’s able to place Jaemin somewhere in the scene. In the room, around the corner, on the other end of the phone call. If he strains his memory even harder, he can remember times Chenle made himself scarce when Jeno and Renjun were cuddled up together or saying mushy things to each other. Easily explained by Chenle just being annoyed or grossed out. Jeno can see it now that he knows. Before that, he never would’ve put the pieces together. He never did.

Jeno can’t be too upset that Chenle is still mad, not now that he knows. If anything, he wishes he could do something to help him. Like a friend would. But he’s not Chenle’s friend anymore.

But he can try to be. He can do what Chenle will let him. Maybe that will lead somewhere better than where they are now.

Renjun’s just finished eating when Shotaro slips into the house. Scares the hell out of him, too.

“Jesus Christ,” Renjun says, once he realizes the person in his living room is his band mate and not, like, a murderer. “You usually knock.”

Shotaro smiles apologetically, but there’s a glint of amusement in his eyes. “No one knocks when they come to my place. I’m seeing what it’s like.”

“Did you climb in through a window or something? I didn’t even hear the door. Be louder next time.”

“Sorry.”

Renjun sighs, going to sit down, Shotaro following his lead. “It’s okay. What’s up?”

“I’m not sure, actually. I was hoping you might know something.”

“I don’t like the sound of this.”

“That’s probably fair. I…I know you’ve been worried about Donghyuck lately. I have been too. You haven’t gotten him to tell you anything, have you?”

“Yeah, right. No, he hasn’t told me anything, just insists that everything’s fine, no matter how fucking weird he’s being.”

Shotaro nods. “Yeah. I can’t get anything out of him either. I talked to Jihyo, but it seems like she knows about as much as we do.”

“I can’t even say I’m surprised. Just out of curiosity, has he done something new and concerning lately?”

“Sort of. He wants me to ask Sungchan out.”

“That’s not that weird. He’s wanted you to ask Sungchan out for, like, over a year now.”

“Yeah, that’s not the weird part. You know how he usually says he just wants to live vicariously through someone else’s relationship? He didn’t say that yesterday.”

Renjun can’t resist chuckling a little. It seems that no matter what happens with the band, there will be at least one constant: Donghyuck will always be trying to set someone up.

“What did he say?”

“He said Sungchan’s stable, just in case.”

Renjun feels much more serious all of a sudden, though he doesn’t exactly know why. “What does that mean?”

“I’m not sure. I asked, but he wouldn’t tell me. And this was after he said something about how maybe everything would be okay after all.”

Renjun thinks about that, tries to put the pieces together of what he thinks Shotaro’s trying to say to him. “Sungchan’s stable just in case everything’s not okay after all?”

Shotaro looks at him a bit grimly. “Your guess is as good as mine is.”

But they have the same guess. Renjun can see it in the way Shotaro’s looking at him. He frowns.

“What the hell does he think is gonna happen that he needs to get you married off for?”

“Okay, he didn’t say anything about marriage. But clearly he’s worried about something, too.”

Renjun is aware of an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach, the trepidation that Donghyuck knows something he doesn’t. Of course Donghyuck knows something he doesn’t, he knows whatever’s been making him act so weird, but it seems like whatever it is might have consequences for all of them.

Something Renjun had already been thinking, truthfully.

“It could just be that he was worried we’d never settle things with Jeno,” Shotaro suggests, but he doesn’t sound fully convinced himself. He wouldn’t be here if he believed that wholeheartedly.

“Yeah, it could be. I don’t know if we have settled things with Jeno.”

Renjun hasn’t seen Chenle since the night at Mark and Jaemin’s house. He’s trying not to crowd him, but he desperately wants to know what’s going on with him. Just like Donghyuck, really.

“So maybe that’s what he meant by ‘just in case’?”

“I don’t know why you’d have to be dating Sungchan just in case we can’t fix everything with Jeno. That’s more Jeno’s problem than yours.”

Shotaro looks like Renjun’s not saying anything he hasn’t already thought about, and this is confirmed when he says, “Yeah. I know.”

Renjun runs a hand through his hair. “My parents were right. I really should’ve been an accountant.”

“You sound like Jisung.”

“I’m just saying. I don’t think accountants have to deal with this kinda shit.”

“I suppose it all depends on who you hang out with.”

Shotaro probably has a point.

“I don’t know what Donghyuck’s thinking these days,” Renjun says quietly. “I’ve tried talking to him about it a bunch of times. I’ve even thought about calling Taeil and seeing if he knows anything, but that feels so much like going behind Donghyuck’s back. Maybe if we talked to him together…”

Renjun doesn’t really think that would do anything, and he doesn’t think Shotaro does, either. Nevertheless, Shotaro nods and says, “Yeah, maybe.”

“It feels like every time I think we’ve solved a problem in this band, two more pop up in its place.”

“It keeps things entertaining for our other friends.”

Renjun snorts. “I don’t think Yangyang was entertained the other night. He seemed kind of unsettled, actually.”

“It’s the cleaning. You can be kind of aggressive.”

“Fair enough.”

Renjun was very upset the other night. He knows—and he knew then too—that Chenle probably wasn’t innocent in whatever happened. But Jeno wasn’t the one on the verge of tears.

Renjun still doesn’t know what the fuck they said to each other.

“Have you heard anything from Chenle?” Renjun asks.

“Not really. Jisung says he’s okay, just pouting. And I guess Jeno was over at their place earlier today.”

“Oh, God.”

Shotaro smirks. “There was no yelling or screaming. Jisung probably would’ve showed up on my doorstep if there had been. He didn’t stay for the conversation, but he said Jeno came and left in peace. And you know Chenle lives, like, ten steps in that direction, right? You can just go over there and check on him.”

“I’m giving him space. He doesn’t really seem like he wants to talk to me. I’ve gotten a lot of one word text messages from him, and that’s about it.”

“It’s not that he doesn’t wanna talk to you. It’s…something else.”

“I don’t know if that makes me feel better.”

Shotaro looks regretful. “There’s not much else I can say.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I get it, I guess. But I don’t have to be happy about it.”

Shotaro snickers. “I wouldn’t ask you to be. I think it’s much better when we’re all miserable.”

Such a fucking smartass.

“You’re in luck, then.” Renjun doesn’t think he even needs to say anything else.

Renjun and Shotaro shift topics away from both Donghyuck and Chenle, but neither one fully leaves Renjun’s mind. He doesn’t really have a plan for how to deal with either of them, but he knows he’s going to have to figure something out. At least Shotaro seems willing to help with Donghyuck, but Renjun thinks Chenle is going to be for him alone to figure out.

Renjun had been hoping otherwise, but it seems certain now that whatever Chenle is so mad at Jeno about is not just between the two of them. It has something to do with Renjun, too.

The title for the fourth album was Chenle’s idea. Shotaro winced, Donghyuck giggled, Renjun’s stomach turned when Chenle suggested it. The fans wouldn’t understand the full significance. Of course there would be a million different theories on the exact details of how the name Party’s Over related to Jeno leaving, but there would’ve been a million different theories about it even if they’d named the album The Teletubbies’ Fifth Symphony. Every single song would be analyzed front and back. The liner notes would be scoured for secret messages. No matter what any of them said to the press, they couldn’t stop all speculation.

But speculation was only speculation. The fans would never know. No one knew Jeno had effectively quit the night of the third anniversary party because the Neos didn’t talk about it publicly. It was months before they publicly addressed the fact that he was gone. No one knew about Renjun’s heartbreak, Jaemin’s devastation, Jeno’s betrayal, the whole band’s pain. The party was fucking over. And that stupid fucking album title was the most candid any of them ever were about the whole thing. Renjun doesn’t even remember how they all agreed to it, but he does remember when it was announced, remembers wondering if Jeno had heard about it, remembers wondering what he thought about it if he had. Chenle told him not to give a fuck what Jeno thought about anything when Renjun told him about it.

Chenle doesn’t fucking talk. He doesn’t say things out loud. But if you know where to look, you’ll find that he says plenty. Mark and Jaemin can’t claim all the glory, they’ve all written songs. Chenle’s never written a happy song in his life. Many of his lyrics carry some kind of barb, like the suggestion of Party’s Over, but even more can settle on a listener like a heavy weight. Renjun hasn’t been paying enough attention—it’s an unspoken rule that no one has to talk about any lyrics they’ve written if they don’t want to, and they’re not always intensely personal anyway—but it’s all he can think about recently. He’s gone through every album they’ve ever released, looked at the writing credits of each song just to be sure he hasn’t forgotten any. He’s only been hoping for a hint. Chenle would call him obsessive, and he’d probably be right. But Chenle’s done a lot for Renjun over the years. Renjun doesn’t like the thought of leaving Chenle to deal with this alone, especially if it has something to do with Renjun.

Renjun can read Chenle’s words, and he thinks they tell him Chenle blames himself for something. Renjun can speculate just like the fans can, can come up with his own ideas of what it might be. If he guesses right, will Chenle admit it? He can hope, but he doesn’t know. Someday—someday soon—he might have to find out.

Jaemin’s trying to pretend he’s not songwriting, Mark can tell. It’s sweet of him, but Mark knows that frown of concentration, recognizes the way he furrows his eyebrows and bites his lip when he’s trying to think of the best phrase to use. He’s been writing with Jaemin too long to be fooled.

Mark’s not upset that Jaemin actually has some inspiration. At least one of them should, and Mark loves the songs Jaemin writes.

Mark loves a lot of things Jaemin does.

“Can I read it?” Mark asks when he can tell that Jaemin’s satisfied with whatever he’s written. Jaemin looks at him, surprised and almost guilty. Mark wants to roll his eyes, but he doesn’t.

“You weren’t supposed to know,” Jaemin says. Mark does roll his eyes.

“Jaemin, it’s not a crime. Somebody should be writing if we ever want to release new material.”

Jaemin smiles fondly at him. “You can never just take a break, can you? You always have to be thinking about what’s next.”

Mark shrugs. “I’d be doing this even if we were still touring.”

“I know. But is it fulfilling, or are you just worrying about it because you feel like you have to?”

Mark doesn’t really want to answer that question. He looks at Jaemin’s phone. “Can I read it?”

Jaemin relents, holding his phone out for Mark to take. “I’m not sure how I feel about everything yet. This is just the first draft.”

Jaemin’s first drafts are better than Mark’s fifths, in Mark’s opinion, especially these days. These days they’re better than Mark’s tenths, twentieths. Hundredths. Mark takes Jaemin’s phone, and is equal parts proud and dismayed to find that this one is no exception. They could release this unchanged in any way and it would be fine. The lyrics are bittersweet and contemplative, discussing second guesses and regret. Mark wonders if Jaemin has a melody in mind.

“I hate you,” Mark whines when he’s finished reading.

Jaemin laughs. “Terrible, huh?”

“Shut up, no. It’s so good. It’s so good.”

“Well, congratulations, you’ll get a writing credit on it.”

“It feels like I’m cheating. I didn’t do anything.”

“We agreed, Mark. Does the Lee-Na partnership mean nothing to you?”

They go through this every single time either one of them writes a song without any input or help from the other. To be fair, there’s still a lot Mark could do to help with this song. A lot can happen between now and whenever this song actually ends up in the studio, if it does (it will, if Mark has his way). But Mark’s pretty useless right now. It would probably be better if he left this one completely to Jaemin.

“I take the Lee-Na partnership extremely seriously, you know I do. Why do you think I’m making you live in a house with a recording studio?”

“You make it sound like you’re holding me hostage.”

Sometimes Mark feels like he is.

“I just know you weren’t wild about the idea at first.”

“I came around.”

“Yeah. Seriously, though, the lyrics are good. Hold onto them for the next album. I’m sure the other boys will like them too.”

“Thanks.” Jaemin looks a little awkward. He doesn’t always know how to handle compliments, not when he doesn’t have some kind of part to play. Mark hands him his phone back.

“We might have to rethink the Lee-Na partnership if I can’t write anything that’s good, though.”

“Absolutely not. I’m not stupid, Mark Lee. You’re just saying that to get me to agree to dissolve the partnership, and then suddenly you’ll be writing hit after hit after hit and you won’t have to attribute any of them to me.”

Mark snorts. “Yeah, Jaeminie. I can’t believe you figured it out.”

“You can go ahead and suck for the rest of your life, I don’t care. As long as I get my royalties.”

Mark laughs, louder and longer, it feels, than he has in a while. Jaemin starts to laugh a bit more quietly, and then he looks at Mark sympathetically.

“You’ll find it again, Markie. Be patient with yourself. You’re a fantastic songwriter. That wouldn’t just disappear.”

It hasn’t disappeared, not really, but it’s being blocked. Confused. Muddled. Mark never thought too hard about where the inspiration came from. All that mattered was that it was there. And it’s not gone now. It’s just so much more complicated, and Mark doesn’t know how to straighten things out again.

“I’m flattered, Jaeminie, but I don’t know.”

“Oh, stop being such a pessimist. We can try to do some writing together later, see if that helps at all.”

Mark knows it won’t. Trying to write with Jaemin only makes things worse nowadays. There’s too much on Mark’s mind other than potential lyrics.

“The poets down here don’t write nothing at all, they just stand back and let it all be,” Mark says.

“And in the quick of the night they reach for their moment and try to make an honest stand, but they wind up wounded, not even dead.”

“Tonight in…”

“‘Jungleland.’ Springsteen.” Jaemin smiles wryly. “You are so dramatic.”

“I’m in a rock and roll band, Jaeminie.”

Jaemin shakes his head. “Musicians,” he says, in mock disapproval. After a moment, he says, “It’ll be okay, Mark. Give yourself time. You have other things to worry about right now, anyway. Take care of them first and maybe the block will go away.”

That’s Jaemin, always worried about everyone’s well-being. His heart’s the size of his head.

It’s not his fault that he’s the reason Mark can’t write anything worth listening to anymore. He doesn’t even know.

It was one year exactly after Jeno left. The anniversary of the band made it very easy to remember. Then again, it probably wouldn’t have been easy to forget regardless. None of them were sure they should even get together to celebrate, but the original road crew insisted they not let what had happened last year ruin the day for them. They had more to celebrate this year than they ever had. The Neos had blown up. They were household names. Their success seemed secure and absolute.

It was still hard to be in a joyful mood. Mark could tell they all felt Jeno’s absence especially strongly. It didn’t matter how mad any of them were. He still should’ve been there with them. That’s how Mark felt, at least.

Unsurprisingly, the worst ones were Renjun and Jaemin. There was nothing overt, nothing that couldn’t have been explained by them just not being in the mood for a party, but everyone knew what was really the issue. Chenle made it his personal mission to keep Renjun distracted, and Mark supposes he did the same with Jaemin. Tried to, at least. But it was hard to pretend, hard to ignore what was on both of their minds. Finally, Mark gave up. He thought it might be better if they just talked about it.

“I can’t believe it’s already been a year,” Mark said quietly, when it was just him and Jaemin.

“I know what you mean,” Jaemin agreed. “Sometimes I still can’t believe he really left.”

“Yeah. Me too.” Mark looked at Jaemin. Jaemin wasn’t looking back. “How are you doing?”

Jaemin took a deep breath. “Oh, I’ll be okay. It’s just…still weird sometimes, you know? Even after a year.”

“Yeah. I get it.”

Jaemin turned to look at Mark, smiling wistfully. “You don’t have to worry about me anymore, by the way. What Jeno told you last year. I’m getting over it. Moving on.”

“Oh. Well, that’s—um, I’m not actually sure what to say about this that’s not gonna make me sound like a massive jerk.”

Jaemin laughed. “You don’t have to say anything. I just thought you should know.”

Mark nodded. He’s not sure now, but he thinks that was the last time the two of them ever talked specifically about Jaemin having been in love with him, at least until the day after Jaemin got drunk. It was over. In the past.

Mark really did believe that, for a very long time. But the past has a funny way of sneaking up on you sometimes. Mark probably should’ve seen it coming.

It’s too late and too messy now to do anything but try to keep his head above water. Maybe someday he’ll be washed ashore. That’s the best he can hope for for himself.

For Jaemin, he wants the world. That’s why he needs to stay far away.

Chapter Text

Donghyuck invites Jeno over one night after the band meets up, the first time they’ve all been together as a group since Jeno and Chenle fought. Jeno’s surprised, to say the least, but he goes, if only because he’s curious. He’s made it through one night at Donghyuck’s house already, and admittedly it wasn’t that bad. But that night was a bit of a special case.

Donghyuck, unsurprisingly, is one step ahead of him. He takes a few minutes to get Jeno something to drink, but as soon as they’re both seated on the couch, he takes a long look at Jeno and smirks.

“You kinda look like you’re worried I brought you here to murder you,” he says, and he almost sounds like he likes that.

“That’s a little dramatic,” Jeno replies.

“It’s your face, not mine.”

“I’m not worried you’re gonna murder me. I just…”

“Wasn’t expecting Donghyuckie to want to hang out?” Donghyuck bats his eyelashes at him. Jeno’s not even sure why.

“Uh, yeah.”

“I’ll admit I have ulterior motives. I’m nosy. I like to know things.”

It’s somewhat refreshing that he’s being honest.

“I’ll pay you with the ice cream in my freezer,” he says, smiling innocently. Jeno snorts.

“Alright, what is it you wanna know?”

It seems to take Donghyuck a long time to respond, especially considering he should already know the answer to Jeno’s question. “Did you and Chenle make up?” he asks finally. “It seemed like you guys were okay with each other tonight.”

“Yeah, I guess we made up.”

“You don’t look very happy about it.”

Jeno shrugs. “I am, it’s just…everything’s always gonna be different now, you know? And I know I don’t have anyone but myself to blame, but…it just kinda sucks.”

Donghyuck’s face is solemn, nearly sad. Quietly, he says, “I don’t know if it’ll always be different.”

“I don’t know how it couldn’t be.”

Donghyuck’s quiet for a moment, and he seems to be thinking hard. His face shifts to something less serious when he says, “God, you’re depressing.”

“Sorry.”

“What did you guys even fight about? You never told me.”

“It’s not important.”

Donghyuck looks at him doubtfully. “Seemed pretty important that night. But I can take a hint. I’m glad you guys sorted it out, though.”

He seems very thoughtful again. Jeno raises an eyebrow.

“Is there something else on your mind?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I’m just thinking. How do you think you’re doing with the other boys?”

“Haven’t they told you firsthand?”

“I would never gossip about you behind your back.”

“Oh, right. Well, we’re okay, I guess. I’ve had pretty good talks with a lot of them. Most of them don’t seem that mad anymore. Renjun might still be, I’m not sure. Not as mad as he was, though. And Jaemin…it’s hard to tell with Jaemin.”

Donghyuck grins, though not as smugly as usual. It’s almost fond. “Jaemin keeps his cards pretty close to his chest. Are you still madly in love with him?”

Only Donghyuck would ask something like that so bluntly. Jeno must be improving, because not that long ago that would’ve pissed him off. Now it’s just a little exasperating and a little amusing.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I’d say madly in love with him. I guess I’m figuring out how to move on from him. Trying to, at least. I’m…not entirely sure what it’s like to not be in love with Jaemin.”

Donghyuck sighs. “What on Earth do I have to do to get a man to be as devoted to me as you are to Jaemin? I’m cute. I’m funny. I give good head.”

“Okay, I don’t need to know that.”

“Oh, don’t look so scandalized, we literally slept together. And I remember you having a very good time.”

Jeno has no response. He’s a little too mortified to speak. Donghyuck’s clearly proud of himself.

“All I’m asking for,” Donghyuck says, “is a man who could spend literal years away from me and still be obsessed with me. Is that too much to ask?”

“I wasn’t obsessed with Jaemin.”

It’s hard to describe the way Donghyuck looks at him. It’s like he’s trying to decide if Jeno’s serious, and if he is, how he can nicely tell him that he’s an idiot. Jeno looks away.

“Okay, my priorities were a little…skewed. I get that. That’s what I’m working on fixing.”

“Love does turn people into fools,” Donghyuck says, and there’s something about the way he says it that makes Jeno think he’s not talking—or not just talking—about him. Before he can ask about it, Donghyuck clears his throat and says, “Well, I guess we’ve learned one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“You’d be really good at a long distance relationship.”

“I guess. But like I said, it’s kinda hard to be sure how Jaemin feels about me. Other than, you know, not being in love with me.”

“Don’t worry too much about him. He’s not as petty as some of us are.”

“Are you including yourself in that?”

“Asshole. I don’t know why I bother with you. You’re nothing but mean to me all the time.”

“You invited me over.”

“I know. Isn’t that terrible? But…” Donghyuck leans in a little closer to Jeno, smiling widely. “You came. I knew you could only resist my charms for so long. Someday you might even like me.”

“I do like you, Donghyuck,” Jeno says, even as he finds himself unsure of what his actual feelings about Donghyuck are. His opinion of Donghyuck has certainly softened since he came back, but does that mean he likes him? There’s still a lot of room between dislike and like.

“That’s nice, Jeno-yah.” Donghyuck leans back and looks at the ceiling. “Well, it’s lovely that you’re getting along so well with the other boys. I told you they didn’t hate you.”

“I guess you were right.”

“I usually am.” Donghyuck looks back at Jeno, like he’s concentrating. “Although…”

“Although?”

Donghyuck waves his hand. “Never mind. Nothing to worry about.”

Jeno thinks about some of the things Renjun said the morning he was waiting for Jeno at Doyoung’s house. Things about Donghyuck, and how no one seems to understand him. He thinks also about many of the things Donghyuck has said to him since the lunch meeting at the beginning of the year.

“What’s in LA?” he asks after a moment.

“A lot of things, Jeno-yah. Are you planning a trip?”

“No. But when I first came to meet with you guys, the others mentioned that you’d been in LA. And you said that’s why you didn’t know why Mark and Jaemin were acting so weird around each other, because you were in LA when it all started. I was just wondering if there was something specific there you went for.”

Renjun said Donghyuck seems to disappear a lot, and none of the boys seemed too happy with Donghyuck at that first meeting. And there’s suddenly something a bit guarded about Donghyuck’s expression, which makes Jeno think he’s onto something.

“Do I need a specific reason to want to travel?”

“No, I was just wondering if there was.”

“It’s cold as fuck in Wisconsin in the wintertime. In LA, it’s not. A better question would be why wouldn’t I have gone to LA.”

“Okay, fair enough.”

Jeno’s ready to leave it at that, but surprisingly Donghyuck seems to mellow a bit, and after a few seconds he sighs and says, “It’s not really what’s in LA. It’s who. Just…a friend of mine.”

“Oh.” Jeno’s not sure if he should ask more or not. Hesitantly, he says, “Do the other boys know that?”

“Of course they do, Jeno-yah. They all know him themselves.”

Jeno nods. There’s a lot of context he’s still missing, he can tell, but he’s not sure if Donghyuck will be willing to talk about it with him.

“How are things with you and the other boys?” Jeno speaks softly, like somehow that might make Donghyuck receive the question better. And, to be fair, Donghyuck just smiles a little.

“Don’t you worry about that. Everything will be okay in the end.”

Jeno may not know Donghyuck as well as he knows the other boys, but he knows that’s all he’s going to get from him. There’s no point to continuing to push.

“Okay. Now, I think you said something about ice cream?”

Donghyuck snorts. “You’re like a little kid.”

Regardless, Donghyuck lets him raid his freezer. He doesn’t ask any more prying questions, and neither does Jeno. It’s surprisingly easy to just talk to Donghyuck. Jeno thought it would be awkward, and if conversation was left entirely to Jeno it probably would be, but Donghyuck’s sociable enough for both of them. It’s pretty late when he finally leaves, and he finds Doyoung still awake, waiting for him with an amused smirk.

“You’re getting along very well with Donghyuck these days,” he says, the first thing out of his mouth.

“I’ll be upstairs,” Jeno replies, causing Doyoung to laugh. He knows Doyoung’s just trying to be annoying, but he’s also not wrong.

He wanted to be my friend, Jeno thinks. When I was still in the band, he wanted to be my friend. Jeno didn’t believe it when Donghyuck first said it, but maybe…maybe it wasn’t a lie. Maybe he’s just been reacting to Jeno’s distrust. With Donghyuck, it’s really hard to be sure.

But there’s really only one way to go if he wants to understand Donghyuck better.

Jeno wakes up in the middle of the night with the strangest thought in his head: what if he and Donghyuck had actually been friends before Jeno left? It’s not just an idle thought, a question of how the little things might’ve been different. That’s all interesting to think about, but there’s something much bigger that he’s wondering about, so intense it’s surprising even to him.

Donghyuck followed him the night of the party. Donghyuck drove him home. Donghyuck was the last Neo he talked to for more than six years. Donghyuck’s was the last face he saw before he walked away.

Donghyuck was the first, last, and only Neo who ever got a chance to try to make him stay. The deck was stacked against him from the start.

But what if it hadn’t been? What if Jeno hadn’t been looking at him as little more than a coworker, but instead as a friend? If Donghyuck had been closer to Jeno and had more or different things to say to him as a result? Would that have changed anything?

And does Donghyuck ever wonder about that?

There is no way to ever be sure what might have happened. But Jeno doesn’t know now if he will ever be able to not wonder.

“For a supposedly busy girl, you sure do find a lot of time to talk to me.”

“You know, Minjeong just told me five minutes ago not to call you. ‘Let him call you for a change. He makes no effort, he doesn’t care.’ And she’s totally right. All you do is make fun of me. Some friend you are.”

Chenle knows Yizhuo’s not serious. Minjeong wasn’t serious either. Yizhuo’s not the type of person who would waste her time on him if she didn’t think he cared about her at all, and Minjeong’s the type of friend who would toss Yizhuo’s phone in a lake if Yizhuo was that type of person.

Chenle still feels a little guilty. He feels a little guilty every time he talks to Yizhuo.

“Thank you for calling me, Yizhuo, I’m so happy whenever I hear from you.”

“Alright, don’t do that, that’s really fucking weird.” She’s cringing, Chenle knows she is. He laughs.

“Don’t complain about me, then.”

“I’m sorry. Now tell me how things are going where you are.”

“You’re so demanding. Things are fine here.”

“Are you sure? You sound tired.”

“Do I?”

“You do. Is everything okay?”

Chenle kind of wishes people would stop asking that, but that’s just because he doesn’t want to try to explain anything.

“I don’t know, maybe I am a little tired. It’s not a big deal.”

“Haven’t been getting enough sleep?”

“I’m just…tired. I don’t know.”

He knows that’s not really an answer. He also doesn’t know what else to say. He is tired, but it’s not from staying up late or tossing and turning all night or constantly being on the go during the day. He’s just tired.

He wonders if this is how Mark feels.

“How’s Mark?” Yizhuo asks quietly, like she knows what he’s thinking.

“He’s okay. That’s what he says, at least. But Jaemin says it too, and he’s more trustworthy. I think he’s doing a little better now that we don’t have a show to do pretty much every night.”

“Makes sense. How are the other boys?”

“We don’t hate each other any more than we usually do.”

“That would be funny if it didn’t sometimes legitimately seem like you guys hate each other.”

That makes Chenle chuckle. “We don’t actually hate each other. We’ve just known each other for a long time.”

“That’s fair, I guess. I’ve known the other girls a long time too, and sometimes I feel like pulling their hair out.”

“How are the other girls, anyway?”

“Pretty good. If you hear from any of them, don’t tell them what I just said.”

Chenle snorts. “I’m gonna text all three of them as soon as you hang up.”

“Of course you are. Did I mention how Minjeong specifically told me not to call you?”

“Yeah, you did. You should’ve listened.”

“I should have.” Yizhuo is quiet for a bit, and takes Chenle by surprise when she says, “How’s Renjun?”

It’s not the fact that she’s asking about Renjun that’s surprising, at least not in theory. What’s surprising is that she’s asking about him specifically when the only other Neo she did that for was Mark, which makes sense because he’s the reason they’re not touring right now. She’s called a bunch of times since they halted the tour and she always seems to follow a general script: how is Chenle, how is Mark, how are the others. This is the first time she’s asked about Renjun alone.

“He’s fine, as far as I know. Why?”

“Jeno’s still there with you guys, isn’t he? I was just wondering how Renjun was dealing with that.”

She knows. She has to know.

“I didn’t know you knew about the two of them.”

“Of course I do. Renjun told me a long time ago. You’re not the only Neo I talk to, you know. Now, I don’t know exactly why Jeno left, but I know things didn’t end well between him and Renjun.”

Things didn’t start well with him and Renjun, Chenle thinks bitterly. But he doesn’t want to tell Yizhuo that if Renjun hasn’t.

“Renjun’s nicer than I am.”

“Well, I already knew that.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I just mean that he can get along with Jeno even if he’s upset. I don’t even know if he’s that upset anymore. It’s been a long time, and Jeno’s…trying to make things better.”

“You don’t like him very much, do you?”

Chenle’s tried to keep his personal issues with Jeno to himself while talking with Yizhuo. But she’s not stupid, and she knows Chenle well enough.

“It’s complicated. A lot happened before he left, and it’s hard to forget about it all.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

People always say that talking about things will make you feel better. But any time Chenle has talked about it all, talked about Renjun and Jeno and Jaemin and all the things Chenle never said or did, it’s only seemed to make him feel worse.

“Not really. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

“Someday someone’s gonna write a book about you boys, and I’m gonna be the first in line to buy it.”

“It’ll probably be Jisung. He’s been dying to put us all on blast since he was twelve. And no one can shit talk us better than one of us.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

Chenle asks her about what she’s been up to since they last talked, and he gets stories about gigs and meetings and Aeri almost breaking her leg tripping over her own feet. Chenle tells her a bit about what’s been going on here, though he doesn’t mention the fighting and sort of making up he and Jeno did. They talk for quite some time, like they usually do when Yizhuo calls. It’s been almost an hour when Chenle starts to hear voices downstairs—or at least one voice. With Jisung, there’s always the possibility that he’s talking to himself. Chenle ventures downstairs, still on the phone, and finds that Jisung is indeed not alone. Renjun’s here in the kitchen, with food that Jisung’s already digging into.

“I think I’m gonna have to go,” Chenle says to Yizhuo, and Renjun looks over at the sound of his voice, noticing him for the first time. “Renjun just got here.”

“Oh, tell him I say hi. Jisung too.”

“I will.”

“The girls are still talking about coming out to see all you guys sometime if we can make it work.”

“Good luck finding us.”

None of them have ever been here before, and their location has been known to get people who don’t know exactly where they’re going very lost.

“It’ll be an adventure. Talk to you later.”

“Yeah. Bye.”

“Hi,” Renjun says after Chenle hangs up. “Who was that?”

“Yizhuo,” Chenle replies. “She says hi. She also wants to come out and see us.”

Renjun looks a little surprised. “Oh. All of Black Mamba too, or just her?”

“All of them.”

Renjun nods. “Donghyuck would be happy to know that Yizhuo wants to see you.”

“Us. I said us.”

Renjun smirks, but he looks a little like he’s considering something. Chenle doesn’t really want to ask.

“I brought food,” Renjun says finally. “A ton of that bread you like. Eat before it gets too cold.”

“You drove all that way to get food for me and Jisung? You must want something.”

Renjun rolls his eyes. “Yeah, lunch. And it’s not that far.”

“Quit being so paranoid, Chenle,” Jisung says. “He’ll never do anything nice for us if you have this attitude.”

Jisung gives Chenle a rather pointed look that Chenle hopes Renjun doesn’t notice. He wonders if Renjun came on his own, or if Jisung invited him over. Jisung’s been kind of frustrated with Chenle lately, and Chenle can’t exactly blame him. But Jisung wants him to come clean with Renjun, and Chenle can’t imagine doing that. He couldn’t even tell Mark the full truth when he asked.

Renjun smiles, so clearly not going to use this opportunity to further scold Chenle with Jisung, and that’s how Chenle’s certain Renjun’s not just here because he felt like hanging out. He knows Renjun better than that.

“Aren’t you hungry?” Renjun asks, and he already knows the answer to that question.

“Where’s the bread?” Chenle asks, and Renjun laughs.

“Jisung’s already eating it.”

Chenle heads towards the kitchen table where Jisung is seated. “You fucker.”

“There’s more than enough here for you too,” Jisung says.

“Don’t forget I paid for all of this,” Renjun says.

Chenle and Renjun sit down to eat with Jisung, and as they talk it quickly becomes clear that Jisung’s doing that fun thing where he does his best to pretend he’s not even here, something he does a lot when it’s just him, Chenle, and Renjun. Chenle’s a little impressed with how good he is at it, especially now, when there are only three of them sitting around a table that’s not even that big—and his long limbs take up the most space—but he’s definitely aided by the fact that Renjun seems way more interested in Chenle than him.

Jisung is going to be insufferable about this as soon as Renjun leaves.

“I haven’t heard much from you lately,” Renjun says eventually, very casually.

“We just saw each other yesterday,” Chenle points out.

“That was a group gathering. And you know what I’m talking about.”

“Is this about me not responding to all of your texts? Because sometimes you send stuff that doesn’t really need a response.”

“This isn’t about texts. I’m just wondering what you’ve been up to.”

He’s keeping it vague for Jisung’s sake, but Chenle knows he actually wants Chenle to tell him once and for all what Jeno said to him the night they fought that made him react the way he did, and also why he’s sort of been ignoring Renjun. That’s a pretty harsh word for the circumstances, but he thinks Renjun would like it.

Then again, if Renjun was upset, he would’ve just showed up and started yelling. He’s too comfortable with Chenle for anything else. And he definitely wouldn’t have brought food.

He’s doing this in front of Jisung to make sure Chenle doesn’t lie right to his face though. Jisung will snitch.

“I haven’t been up to anything,” Chenle says, which is more or less accurate. “I’ve been driving Jisung insane. That’s it.”

“Nice of you to admit it,” Jisung says under his breath.

“Why have you been driving Jisung insane?” Renjun asks.

“Because I’m annoying,” Chenle replies.

“Is everything okay?”

There’s that question again. Chenle doesn’t like it any better now that Renjun’s asking it. In fact, he might like it worse.

“Everything’s fine,” Chenle says. “I’ve been…working through some stuff. And Jeno and I talked everything out, so you don’t have to worry about us anymore.”

“You know you can talk to me any time you need to, right?”

Chenle doesn’t look at Jisung, but he knows he’s staring at him. “Yes, I know.”

“Okay.”

Chenle waits, certain Renjun’s going to say more, but he just eats quietly for a few moments before changing the subject. Chenle can’t help but wonder if this is really the last he’ll hear about this.

“Have you seen much of Yangyang lately?” Chenle asks when he gets a chance. Jisung is looking at him like he wants to throttle him. He’ll get over it.

“Uh, I guess so?” Renjun says, a bit bemused. “You know how he just kinda comes and goes when he gets bored or whatever. He didn’t leave my house for like four days when we first got home.”

“That’s interesting, isn’t it, Chenle?” Jisung says. Chenle ignores him.

“Why do you ask?” Renjun asks Chenle.

“Because we all need more friends outside of the band. Jisung never talks to anyone but us.”

“Do not make me a fucking part of this,” Jisung says. Renjun looks at him, frowning, for a long time before he finally shrugs and looks at Chenle again.

“I don’t know. I think we all have lots of friends. We’re all friends with the people who come on the road with us and make sure we don’t suck.”

“But you don’t get to see Yangyang when we’re on the road.”

“We still talk though.” Renjun gives Chenle a funny look. “You’re really weird, you know that? Why are you worried about me and Yangyang? I didn’t even think you liked him that much.”

“I like Yangyang.”

Chenle does like Yangyang. He’s a little jealous of Yangyang, sure, but he likes him too. And it doesn’t really matter if Chenle likes Yangyang or not.

“Okay,” Renjun says doubtfully. “Well, everything’s good between me and him if that’s concerning you or something.”

“Just wondering.”

“What about you and Yizhuo?”

“What about me and Yizhuo?”

“She doesn’t call me.”

Chenle knows what he’s insinuating. “I don’t date.”

Jisung kicks his shin under the table, and he has to pretend he doesn’t notice. He does shoot Jisung a glare when Renjun’s not looking, though. He doesn’t think he deserved that.

“Right,” Renjun says. “How could I forget?”

Renjun sticks around for much of the afternoon, but later, once he’s gone, Jisung folds his arms and scowls at Chenle like Chenle’s insulted him.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” he asks.

“I’m not doing anything to myself, dude.”

Jisung makes a noise of disgust and rolls his eyes before he turns away from Chenle, grumbling about how Chenle’s awful and Jisung never should’ve joined the band and so on and so forth, probably. Chenle’s heard it all before. Jisung will probably have several chapters dedicated solely to Chenle when he writes that book Yizhuo was talking about.

Jisung does understand. Chenle knows he does. But Jisung’s also a very good friend, and he wants Chenle to be happy. Chenle’s not against being happy himself. But his happiness is secondary.

After all he’s seen, he’s okay with that.

It’s unfortunate that Chenle became Renjun’s shoulder to lean on in his love life, but it’s also kind of Chenle’s fault, because Chenle always drops everything for Renjun. He can’t blame Renjun for that. All he’s ever been looking for is a friend.

Chenle won’t lie. There have been times over the years when he’s wanted to yell in Renjun’s face, when he’s wanted to say, “I love you and I won’t hurt you and I am right here.” He’s never said that, of course. He’s never even come close. It’s a more selfish side of him that yearns to make that statement. That’s not what Renjun needs. Chenle’s kept quiet, been there when Renjun’s needed him, and not asked for or expected anything in return.

Renjun would probably say something different, but Chenle would say that, after Jeno, the worst breakup Renjun’s ever had was Yangyang. That one wasn’t bad for the reasons his breakup with Jeno was bad, or for the reasons his breakups with some of his first boyfriends after Jeno were bad. There was no yelling or screaming, Renjun was not caught unaware and left with lasting scars, he didn’t even cry all that much. Yangyang broke up with Renjun, but Chenle thinks Renjun saw the end coming just as well as Yangyang did. And once it was over, he came to Chenle first, the way he always seems to. But Chenle’s always waiting, arms open. He remembers how detached Renjun seemed, how that didn’t change no matter what Chenle said. Renjun really fucking liked Yangyang. No, Renjun loved Yangyang. And Chenle never trusted any of Renjun’s boyfriends, not at first, at least, but Yangyang proved he loved Renjun too.

It wasn’t enough for Renjun to believe, and Renjun knew it. He didn’t make excuses, even as Chenle tried to make excuses for him. He took all the blame—maybe too much blame. Or maybe Chenle’s just biased. But it hurt to see Renjun like that, near disgusted with himself, a different kind of self-loathing than Chenle had ever seen from him.

Renjun hasn’t dated since Yangyang, and there are many reasons for that. They’re always busy, and he hasn’t had much interest in anyone he’s met recently, and a hundred other things. But at the center of all of that is the fact that Renjun can’t really envision a happy ending for himself anymore. There’s nothing wrong with being single, and many people want to remain that way for all their lives. Renjun is not one of those people. But it’s safer for him on his own. Safer for everyone else too. That’s how he sees it, anyway.

Chenle wants more for Renjun, because he knows Renjun wants it too. Unfortunately, there’s only so much Chenle can do. He would do anything it took if there was a certain way to make this better, but there isn’t. There are only little things he can try, and hope.

If Jisung wrings his neck for it someday, he thinks it’ll be worth it.