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Chapter Text

You pinched the back of your neck, rolling your head back with a sigh. Your entire back felt like it was on fire from slouching at your desk all morning, but you couldn’t help it – the map in front of you captivated you. You ran your fingers over the tiny mountains on the top of the paper, then traced the giant body of water behind it, the – what was it called? The sea?

You read your buyer’s description again.

The raging mountains hid the wonderous glory that was the sea. The villagers lived by the river bank, their houses small, farms full of cattle, and laughing younglings. They tended to their crops, birthed children, and went to church. Their lives were simple, routines comfortable. Then, one day, the dragon came.

You hummed in approval. That sounded like a good beginning to a story. Which made sense, considering your buyer was a famous author in Mitras. They approached you a week ago and asked you to draw a map of their fantastical world, which would be copied and placed at the beginning of their new novel. You happily accepted, tired of constantly redrawing the Walls.

Drawing this made-up world was not difficult, but you had to do some research. You visited three libraries before finding a book that properly explained what the sea should, theoretically, look like. You had learnt about it in college years ago, but it was hard to even fathom a salty lake of that size.

And you still weren’t sure what a dragon was supposed to be. The author had simply told you to draw ‘a big lizard, but maybe make it breathe fire?’

You left the dragon for last. You planned to draw the village today and maybe even the church. The middle of your paper was blank, waiting to be filled.

You stretched your hands above your head, hearing a satisfying crack. You reached for your tea and found it cold. You had just opened your mouth to call Wendy when she appeared, flustered.

“Miss!” Wendy exclaimed, a little breathless.

“Oh, Wendy, I was just about to –”

“Miss,” Wendy repeated, eyes wide. “You have - visitors?”

You blinked. “Oh.” More buyers? Business really was blooming lately. “All right. Let them in.” But why did your maid look so terrified?

You found out almost immediately. Wendy moved aside to stand by the door, looking like she’d like nothing more than to disappear from the face of the Earth.

Three figures walked into your living room.

You jumped up, pushing your chair back with a horrible screech.

You knew who these people were, of course. Who didn’t? You had only seen them from a distance before, looking through your window as they passed through Mitras on some official business. You may have even seen their faces in the newspaper at some point. But now they were in your living room, stalking towards you.

You focused on the man in the front of the group. “Commander,” you said. You weren’t sure if you were supposed to put your fist to your heart, but you decided against it. Only soldiers were supposed to do that, as far as you knew.

Erwin Smith gave you a small, somewhat cold smile. He said your name, and after you nodded, extended his hand towards you. You shook his hand over your desk. You hoped you had managed to plaster a polite smile over your face, but you honestly weren’t sure. Because what the hell was the commander of the Survey Corps doing in your house?

Fear slipped into your heart, making your whole body go cold. But there was no way they knew about your mother. They couldn’t possibly.

Erwin Smith put his hands behind his back. “Forgive me for my bluntness, but I have to assume you know who we are?”

“Of course,” you said quietly.

“Good. There is no need for introductions, then.”

You finally dared to look at the other two figures behind him.

On his left was soldier and brilliant scientist Hange Zoë, idol of every scholar within the Walls, yourself included. They had a hand on their hip, and when you met their eyes, Hange gave you a wide, friendly smile. You hoped you didn’t look too starstruck. You only dipped your chin in greeting, unsure of your voice, or what you’d even say to the Hange Zoë.

And on Erwin Smith’s right was humanity’s strongest soldier, leader of the Special Operations Squad, Captain Levi. He had his arms crossed over his chest, the picture of disapproval. He slowly scanned the bookshelves behind you, then your desk, which was covered with pens and papers and your unfinished map. When his eyes finally met yours, you found yourself straightening your back involuntarily, again resisting the urge to salute these people. The late morning Sun cast a shadow over the Captain’s face, but you could clearly see his blue-gray eyes as they regarded you evenly. You nodded, once. His expression didn’t change, nor did he offer any kind of greeting of his own.

You looked back at Commander Erwin, forcing yourself to find your voice. “Is there anything I can help you with?”

“I hope so. But we would like to speak with you in private, if you wouldn’t mind.” He turned towards Wendy, offering her an insincere smile.

Wendy swallowed. She met your eyes, and only when you nodded did she leave, closing the door softly behind her. You knew it didn’t really matter since Wendy was the biggest busybody alive. She would be standing right outside the whole time, pressing her ear to the door.

Commander Erwin looked down at you as he spoke, “I am sure you are aware of the recent events that have taken place within our small Walls.”

Of course you knew. The fall of Wall Maria, the annihilation of the Shiganishina district, and the small miracle that was the Battle of Trost. You heard rumors of a Titan, who was also somehow a human, the sole reason behind the victory at Trost. You weren’t quite sure if you believed that, but you had definitely heard the story retold many times, in pubs and in shops. Each time you heard it, it was a little bloodier, a little more epic, but you got the general idea of what, apparently, had happened.

“With these recent events in mind, I have decided it is high time to change some things within the Survey Corps. Based on the recommendation of Section Commander Hange, I -”

Hange jumped in front of him, slamming their hands on the table. Their eyes sparkled with excitement behind their square glasses. “I am a big fan of your work! I have one of your maps of the Walls, the big one. It’s absolutely amazing! How did you manage to make it so detailed?”

Hange grinned at you, and you couldn’t help but smile back.

“I had to travel throughout the Walls to get everything right,” you said. “It took some time, but I believe everything of note is now on that map.”

“Oh, it is.” Hange turned to Captain Levi. “Did you know that you can see practically every house, every pub, every road on her map?”

“Wow,” Captain Levi said, unimpressed.

You frowned a little, then turned back to Hange, who you doubtlessly liked best. “So, you’re here for maps?” The tension in your chest began to melt away. You would sell them a map or two, hell, you would even give them one for free, if only they’d leave. Then you’d run to your room and check if your mother’s journals were still safely hidden under your bed.

This time, Hange’s smile was apologetic. “Well, sort of.” They stepped aside. “It’s probably better if Erwin explains everything.”

The Commander didn’t seem fazed by Hange’s short interlude. He simply picked up where he left off. “You went to Mitras College, is that correct?”

“Yes. Uh, sir,” you added hastily.

“What did you study there?”

“Geography, Art and Physical Education.”

Erwin raised a brow. “Which branches of Physical Education?”

“Horseback riding and martial arts.”

Hange punched Levi in the arm happily, so you must have said something right. Levi’s cold eyes were still trained on your face.

“You’ve never learned any Medical Sciences, then?”

You blinked. “No, sir.” You were extremely confused as to where this interrogation was going.

Erwin Smith nodded. He glanced at the unfinished map on your table. “Would it be possible for us to see some more of your work?”

Before you could answer, Hange gasped, “You don’t trust my judgement, Erwin?”

“No one does, Four-Eyes,” drawled Levi.

Hange looked at him, mouth agape.

“I only want to confirm what you’ve told us, Hange,” said Erwin. “This will be the last thing I ask of you before I ultimately tell you why we’re here,” he told you. “I apologize for taking up so much of your time.”

Eager to see them leave, you offered to take them to your studio, where most of your work was displayed.

You led the way, feeling three pairs of eyes on your back.

Before you reached the door, you cleared your throat as loudly as you dared. A sound of shuffling footsteps followed.

You shot Wendy an amused look as you passed by her. Your maid looked down humbly, hiding her own smile in her collar.

You passed through the hall quickly, followed by Commander Erwin, Section Commander Hange and Captain Levi. Your shoes squeaked on the floor and you suddenly felt an overwhelming rush of gratitude towards Wendy for always keeping your house so tidy.
Your studio was at the end of the hall. As you opened the door, you tried to look at it with fresh eyes, to imagine how it would look to the three most important members of the Survey Corps.

Despite your nerves, you felt a spark of pride in your chest. You cleaned your studio yourself, fearful that Wendy would accidentally damage the paper, so you knew there was not a speck of dust in here. Dip pens, quills, notebooks and rolls of paper were stacked neatly on the shelves, and the windows were almost always open to air the room out. Your best work was framed, covering most of the walls.

“Here we are,” you said, stepping aside to let them pass.

Hange stopped in front of the first map on the wall – a map of Mitras, with its wide streets and decorative buildings. “You truly are talented!”

You smiled. “Thank you.” You hesitated for a moment, then added, “That really means a lot coming from you, Section Commander.”

They looked at you in surprise. “Coming from me? What do you mean?”

You cringed inwardly, hoping you didn’t sound like a starstruck child. “It’s just that - you must know what an inspiration you are to us scholars. You are both a soldier and an incredible scientist. Pretty much every single person I have met in college hopes to be at least half as brilliant as you.”

Hange blushed. “Oh, do they really? Oh, wow. I didn’t know that.”

You were glad someone else was feeling as embarrassed as you.

Commander Erwin was walking through your studio, examining every map on the wall carefully. His face revealed nothing.

Where was –?

“When did you do this one?”

You swiftly turned . Captain Levi was staring at a map of the Underground, one of your older works.

“Uh, five years ago. Sir.”

With the Captain’s attention finally elsewhere, you took the chance to properly look at him. A few strands of black hair fell into his eyes. Pale skin, bony chin, sharp undercut, face that was completely expressionless, if somewhat irritated. What he lacked in height, he made up for in attitude. You had heard as much, but now you knew it to be true. And the hushed comments and giggles that suggested his good looks – well, now you knew that to be true, too.

His eyes snapped back to yours. “You had to actually go into the Underground to map it, correct?”

“Of course. I spent a month there.” That may have been the worst month of your life, but you got the job done, and got paid handsomely.

A pause, then, “Was your buyer from the Underground?”

“Yes.”

“Do you still have their name?”

You gestured towards the notebooks on your shelf. “I keep records of all my buyers, but -”

“But what?” he demanded, narrowing his eyes. You saw his hand drop to the pocket of his coat. You assumed he either had a gun or a knife or some other weapon that the Survey Corps used.

“But I doubt anyone in the Underground would use their real name,” you said, irritated.

He regarded you coolly, his hand not moving from his pocket.

Thankfully, Commander Erwin called your name. “Section Commander Hange is quite right. You truly are a talented mapmaker.” He raised his chin slightly. “So, would you consider lending your skills to the Survey Corps?”

You blinked. A few times. “Pardon?” You truly had no idea what was going on anymore. “Let me be clear, Commander. You are here to buy maps, right?”

“We already have every map of yours that might be useful to us.” His gaze flicked to the map of the Underground. “Well, almost. Either way, that is not why we are here, no.”

“Why are you here, then?”

“As I said before, I want to change some aspects of the Survey Corps’ expeditions outside the Walls. Do you even know why we venture outside the Walls?” Commander Erwin didn’t wait for you to answer. His voice boomed through the quiet room as though he was giving a speech. You felt the hairs on your arms stand up. “We do it because we need to know what we are up against. We need to know what the outside world looks like if we ever plan to reclaim it from the Titans. When we can, we set up small bases and camps outside the Walls. We do everything we can to make the next expedition that much easier, that much less lethal for our troops.”

He paused, and you only nodded, not knowing what to say. You already knew this much, anyway.

“What we lack, however, is the precision that you possess. We have tried to map what we saw outside the Walls, but it has not proven useful.”

Hange pulled out a crumbled piece of paper from their pocket and showed it to you. “I am not the best artist,” they apologetically admitted.

No kidding. On the bottom of the paper there was a half-circle, the words WALL MARIA written along the edges. A long line connected Wall Maria and a bunch of squiggly lines. A forest, you assumed. Two tiny dots represented abandoned villages. Both the left and right side of the paper had the words TITAN TERRITORY written on them.

“We need much more information about the terrain, clearly,” Erwin continued. “We need to know where every tree, every abandoned house, every river is, so we know how to plan our movements. Where we can use ODM gear, where we can rest, which places we need to avoid. Not to mention that, if successful, we would slowly be mapping out the rest of the world, what’s beyond our cramped little Walls.” He paused and looked at you expectantly.

“So, you’re asking me - what?”

“I am asking you to join the Survey Corps as our mapmaker.”

“You’re kidding.”

“I’m not.”

“Are you seriously asking me if I want to join the Survey Corps?”

“Are you dense?” interjected Levi. He looked at you like you were something he needed to wipe off his shoe. “Just answer the question already.”

“No.” You shook your head. “No.”

Erwin didn’t look surprised by your answer, but he still asked, “No?”

“No, obviously.” Madmen. There Survey Corps people were madmen. “I’m sorry, but what kind of answer did you expect? You ask me to risk my life, for what?”

“For the betterment of humanity,” he immediately retorted.

You raised your eyebrows. It was getting increasingly hard to appear pleasant in the face of such audacity. “I can see you use that line a lot, Commander. I hope it works on other girls, but I, unfortunately, don’t have a death wish.”

“I understand,” Erwin said smoothly. “Just know that, should you decide to join us, you would be paid as much as any other soldier. We are not asking for volunteer work.”

You crossed your arms over your chest. “Forgive my directness, Commander, but I already have enough money.”

Captain Levi rolled his eyes. “We can’t force her, Erwin. Let’s just go.”

You tried not to immediately agree. You needed these people out of your house, so you could have a cup of tea and try to decipher what the hell just happened. Madmen.

Commander Erwin towered over you, but his expression wasn’t unkind. “We will leave. We have no intention of forcing you. Allow me to say just one more thing.” He took your silence as permission. “Should you decide to join us, you truly would be serving mankind as no one else can. We might find another mapmaker, but we have it on good authority that you are the best. You would make a true change in the world, leave your mark, and push humanity towards new victories.” He took a step towards you. “And trust that we would keep you safe to the best of our abilities. You would be with our new medics, and all available soldiers would come to your aid in case of a Titan attack.”

You looked over at Section Commander Hange and Captain Levi.

Hange gave you a hopeful smile.

Levi wasn’t looking at you. His gaze was set firmly on the floor, a small frown between his eyebrows.

You walked over to the door and held it open. “I’m sorry you wasted your time,” you said with finality.

The first one to leave was Levi, shortly followed by Erwin. Hange put their hand on your shoulder. “It was really nice to meet you.”

“It was nice to meet you, too, Section Commander.”

When you heard their footsteps disappearing down the hall, you leaned against the door, finally allowing yourself to freak out. You exhaled shakily. What the hell? How could these people just barge into your house, interrogate you, then ask you to jump into a Titan’s mouth for them?

For the betterment of humanity? Give me a fucking break.

Everyone knew the Survey Corps were almost always unsuccessful in their expeditions. Every time they left the walls their numbers dwindled. Some people hated them, for depleting the Walls’ budget without anything to show for it, for taking their children into a war that could never be won.

And yet…

If there was someone who represented hope, it was these people.

When you thought about this moment, months later, years later, you could never understand what had happened. You were never sure if this was a conscious decision of yours, or if you were just as mad as the rest of them.

You pinched the bridge of your nose, feeling a headache creeping up.

Without warning, you remembered your mother, and something she had written in one of her journals: The first time I saw the sky outside of the Walls was the first time I didn’t feel like a dog in a cage. I was free, just as all human beings should be.

Free. Were you ever free?

Another’s handwriting appeared in your mind. The note from your current buyer.

Their lives were simple, routines comfortable.
Then, one day, the dragon came.

You imagined the outside world under your fingertips.

You were running across your studio, pushing the window open, yelling into the street, “Wait!”

They were still there, a carriage waiting for them in front of your house. They looked up at you.

“I changed my mind,” you croaked out. Your mouth was completely dry, your palms clammy with sweat. “I want to be your mapmaker, if you’ll have me.”

At that moment, Erwin Smith’s overly polite mask finally dropped. You saw relief flushing into his features. “We would be honored to have you.” He said something to Levi and Hange then, something you couldn’t hear.

Your head was spinning.

Hange yelled, “Someone will come pick you up tomorrow morning. Hopefully it’s me!” They bounced on their feet. “I’m so excited to work with you! Oh, and pack light!”

“All right,” you said weakly.

Captain Levi looked at you with something that seemed a lot like disappointment. You didn’t have time to dwell on it. You dropped to the floor of your studio, bringing your knees to your chest. Madmen.

Wendy tentatively walked over to you. “What happened?”

“I think I just joined the Survey Corps.”

Chapter Text

Levi was seething with anger, but he refused to be the first to speak.

Erwin stared out the window of the moving carriage, ignoring the murderous glare fixed on his cheek. A long time passed before he finally sighed and said, “If you have something to say, Levi, just say it.”

“You’re going to send another person to an early grave,” Levi said. “You understand that, right?”

“She agreed out of her own volition.”

Levi exhaled through his nose, slowly, his temper rising. No, she didn’t. It was all Erwin’s fault, per usual. He got into her head, just like he gets into everyone’s head. Him and his damn patriotic speeches. When Levi heard that mapmaker’s window slamming open, all he could hear was the sound of her coffin slamming shut. If she was lucky enough to even have a coffin, that is.

Levi tried to change tactics. “I just can’t believe you want to send an artist into Titan territory.”

“You know she’s not just any artist, Levi. You’ve seen her maps. They’re exceptional.”

“So detailed,” agreed Hange absentmindedly, scribbling something illegible in their notebook.

Erwin turned to him. “You know as well as I do that we need proper maps of the outside world. We can’t keep going out blindly, hoping to stumble onto terrain suitable enough for ODM gear. Expeditions have enough variables as is.”

“Fine,” Levi said. “But why choose a Mitras brat? The nobility was too busy?”

“Hange claims she’s the best,” Erwin said simply.

Despite what he had said earlier, Levi trusted Hange - with most things, actually, but especially with scientific matters. He didn’t know jack shit about maps, but even he could tell that hers were really good. So, he believed that Hange looked into other mapmakers and decided that this woman was the absolute best the Walls had to offer. That didn’t mean he had to like it.

“I think she’s tougher than she looks,” Hange said. “After all, didn’t she say she spent a month in the Underground?”

That was another thing that had unsettled Levi. He had a pretty good idea of who would request a map of the Underground. The only man vain enough to do so.

That damn asshole wanted a map of his little kingdom, and he dragged a young woman into that hellscape to draw it for him.

Levi shook his head to himself. What was she thinking when she accepted that offer? Was she truly dense, or did she simply not know any better?

Levi stretched his legs out in front of him, crossing them at the ankles. “Won’t she just be a hindrance? The Scouts are a well-oiled machine. How are the mapmaker and that new medic supposed to keep up?”

The smallest of smirks passed over Erwin’s lips. Levi narrowed his eyes. “Well, they’ll need to be trained, of course.”

Oh, fuck, no. “And who exactly is going to train them?”

“Who better than humanity’s strongest?”

“True,” Hange added unhelpfully, waving a quill through the air in emphasis.

“You have to be fucking kidding me,” Levi spat. “You truly believe I don’t have anything better to do with my time?”

Erwin raised a brow. “Considering I’m the one who gives you orders, I know you don’t.”

Levi looked out the window, resisting the urge to kick his superior officer. Of course he had to be the babysitter. He had to spend his precious time training newbies, only for them to die anyway, and it would all be his fault.

He really needed a cup of tea.

His thoughts drifted back to the mapmaker. This surprised him. He wasn’t sure why he even cared that some rich Mitras brat might die. It was not like she would be the first of the Scouts to die a pointless death.

“All right, Erwin. Tell me the plan.”

-

You spent most of the previous day comforting Wendy, who was inconsolable. She had slid beside you onto the floor, and you had yelled that she needed to watch her knees, but the tears had already started.

You had thrown your arm around your maid. She was so much more than that, though. She was all you had left. Guilt had choked you when you realized that she would be all alone in this huge house until you came back.

If you came back.

“Wendy, please, try to calm down,” you had whispered. “You’ll give yourself a fever.”

The older woman had grabbed your hand. “Is this truly what you want? They cannot force you to do anything if you say you changed your mind.”

You had been thinking about that the whole time Wendy was crying.

What do I want?

It was a surprisingly hard question.

You had mulled over the way you spent your days. You drew maps, read novels, had lunch with Wendy, cleaned your studio. You sold your maps in the streets, in a little booth, if buyers didn’t come directly to you. On weekends, you went out to pubs, danced until your feet hurt. Sometimes you met a man you liked and took him to bed. Sometimes you laughed so hard with Wendy that your stomach hurt. Sometimes you looked at the sky and felt a tightness in your chest.

Your mother had gone outside the Walls to conduct her business, even if it was a highly illegal branch of business. At first, she did it to earn money, provide you with a good life and an even better education. But then…She couldn’t stop. Her eyes were dull when she was here in Mitras, she would drag her feet, counting down the days until she could go beyond the Walls again.

Leaving the security of the Walls ultimately led to her demise. She left one day, seven years ago, and never came back. She must have been eaten. It was the simplest, most logical explanation.

She never got to see you graduate college.

You had to push the image of your mother out of your mind for the time being. You only wanted to remember her words, the way she spoke and wrote about the outside world.

Oh, darling, you wouldn’t believe it. I could never explain how wide and magnificent the fields beyond the Walls are. They are never-ending.

You can always see the Sun. It can never hide from you.

Perhaps someday I will even reach the sea, if it truly exists. I swear I could smell salt in the air at one point.

When you were young, you had asked her, “But, Mama, what if you see a Titan? Aren’t you scared?”

As you got older and fathomed the actual terrifying reality of the outside world, your questions grew more heated. “How can you risk your life in such a way? You have a family, you have me here. Are you insane?”

The answer always remained the same. “I’m careful. I will come back to you, but I need to see the outside world again.”

You always wondered if it was worth it.

You had turned to Wendy. “I want to do this.”

Wendy had lowered her head, defeated, more tears rushing down her face. You had never felt more selfish in your life.

“I will respect your decision,” she had whispered, not asking you to elaborate, perhaps sensing that you couldn’t. “But, please, just remember that you have someone waiting for you to come back.”

“I know.”

-

You waited by the door, your two bags in front of you. There was nothing else to do but wait. You had made your decision. You had already said your final goodbyes to Wendy. You reminded her where you kept both the money and your mother’s journals. She hugged you for a long time, then went into her room quietly. She didn’t want a soldier, or anyone else, to see her crying.

A sharp knock at your door made you question everything for a second. You contemplated running up the stairs and hiding. You considered telling whoever came to pick you up to piss off and never bother you again.

Instead, you opened the door.

You hoped your disappointment wasn’t too obviously written across your face.

Of course it wasn’t Hange picking you up. You weren’t that lucky.

“Captain.”

“Are you ready to go?” Levi asked instantly.

You grabbed your bags, placing one on each shoulder. “Ready.”

“Do you really need that much stuff?” he scolded. “You are going to have to forget your rich little Mitras lifestyle if you plan on actually going through with this.”

You gritted your teeth. The urge to turn around and forget this whole thing with that Scouts ever happened was strong, but you persisted once more. “One bag has my drawing supplies, and the other has my clothes,” you said, ignoring the second part of his comment.

“Fine. Let’s go, then.” He turned on his heel and stalked towards the carriage. He waited for you to get on first.

You stopped in front of the carriage and turned around, noticing a figure at one of the windows of your home. You kissed your fingertips and reached your hand out towards Wendy. She gave you a small wave in return.

You hoped the burning behind your eyes would soon subside. Ignoring whatever look Levi was giving you, you jumped into the carriage.

Apparently, you weren’t the only one blessed with Captain Levi’s charming presence this early in the morning. “Oh, hi,” you said to the other two people holed up in the tiny carriage.

“Oh, more young blood, huh?” one of them said. It was a cheerful man with dark hair and a wicked grin, the skin beside his bright eyes crinkled with humor. “This morning just got a little better. What’s your name? Mine’s Jessie Compson.”

You introduced yourself and Jessie said, “Pleased to meet you. This is Rae Fairs, lest you don’t notice her, as she’s being so very quiet this morning.”

You smiled at the young blonde girl and sat next to her. “It’s nice to meet you.” She looked way too young to be a soldier. Her hands were intertwined and pressed between her knees, and her eyebrows were furrowed, even as she smiled back at you.

Levi slammed the carriage door shut and sat next to Jessie, keeping quite a bit of distance between them. “I am glad you’ve already become best friends,” he said, not sounding glad at all.

You wondered if this man ever said anything of note.

Jessie grinned. “Me too, Captain. But we were waiting for you to really get this party started.” When Levi only looked out the window, promptly ignoring him, Jessie’s unwavering smile turned towards you. “So, are you one of the medical volunteers, too?”

“No, I’m the mapmaker,” you said.

You put your bags by your feet and pushed them under the seats. You noticed everyone else had a few bags, too. Even Levi had two bags of his own, albeit they were on the smaller side.

“The Captain mentioned a mapmaker, but he failed to say how pretty you are.” Jessie looked down at his shirt, feigning self-consciousness. “I might have changed my shirt if I knew.”

You couldn’t help but smile. You were exhausted, the Sun was barely beginning to rise, and it’s not like you had gotten much sleep the night before. But you liked Jessie already, so there was at least something positive about this ungodly hour. “I somehow doubt the Captain said anything but get in and shut up/em>,” you said. Rae’s eyes and Jessie’s smile widened at your words. “Isn’t that right, Captain?”

Levi’s chin was resting on his fist as he watched the city of Mitras pass by. All he said was, “Basically.” He stretched his legs out in front of him, and you moved yours to the side to give him some space.

“It’s true,” Jessie added.

“Are we picking up anyone else?” you asked. There was hardly any more room in the carriage. Your knee kept bumping into Levi’s leg.

“No,” Levi said.

Jessie looked around the carriage. “So, just one doctor, one Scout medical volunteer, and one mapmaker?” He shrugged. “All right.”

“I guess it’s time for me to tell you what exactly is expected of you,” Levi said with a sigh.

You put your hands on the carriage seat, leaning forward expectantly. He fixed his gaze on you for a moment, then looked away.

“We are taking you to the former Survey Corps Headquarters. Fairs, you’ve been there before, right?”

“Yes, sir,” the young girl said. She sat up a little straighter.

“Good. Then you can decide where the three of you will stay. You and Compson need to set up a make-shift infirmary, too, so perhaps it would be wise to have your rooms close to it. It’s going to be just us for a few days, until the rest of the Scouts grace us with their presence. We plan to stay at the Headquarters for about a month before the 57th expedition outside the Walls.”

You could hear your heartbeat in your ears. You were actually going to leave the Walls in a little over a month.

You blinked, trying to focus on what the Captain was saying to Jessie. “Both of them will need some medical training,” Levi was saying, nodding his head towards you and Rae.

“Me, too?” you asked, surprised.

Levi’s eyes snapped back to yours. “Yes. On expeditions, you will be on the cart with them. Your main objective is to draw your maps, but you should be able to lend a hand if the medics need you.” He lifted a shoulder. “No one is expecting you to become a doctor in a month, but you should know how to bandage a wound, administer first-aid, and whatever else Compson deems necessary. Fairs can tell you what the most common injuries on the expeditions are. Understood?”

You nodded. It made sense, after all. And the scholar in you lifted its head up slightly, hesitantly, greedy for any knowledge it could get its little hands on, even after all these years.

“Now, you two,” Levi continued, gesturing between you and Compson, “will need some ODM training.”

You were certain that your jaw had hit the cobbled streets of Mitras. ODM gear, the equipment that the Scouts used to kill Titans?

Even Jessie looked shocked. “I – I am sorry, Captain, but what the hell?"

Levi gave him a cold look. “Again, we don’t need you to be professionals, but should something happen to your cart and your horses on an expedition, you need to be able to flee.”

You swallowed. “Is that even doable? In a month?”

“It has to be.” After a moment, he added, “I’ll make sure you learn well enough.”

Oh, fuck, no. You really hoped he wasn’t saying what you thought he was saying. Why couldn’t Hange be your teacher? Or anyone, anyone at all, that was slightly nicer. Your standards truly were that low.

“That’s it, then. ODM training in the morning, medical training in the afternoon,” Levi finished his little speech. You wondered if his voice was always so monotonous. “Any questions?”

You and Rae shook your heads. Jessie said, “Wait, Captain, it’s just going to be the four of us there, at Headquarters?”

“No. We are meeting my squad and one more person as soon as we exit Mitras.”

The four of you fell into a slightly uncomfortable silence.

You looked out the window, watching everything that was familiar to you disappear. Your knee was still bumping into Levi’s leg.

Chapter Text

Captain Levi, Jessie Compson, Rae Fairs, and you jumped out of the carriage when it came to a stop in front of the main gates of Mitras.

Humanity’s strongest soldier, a doctor, a Scout, and a mapmaker. You couldn’t help but be amused by your strange little group.

Levi said you needed to wait for his squad. A muscle in his jaw twitched as he scanned your surroundings, but, apparently, they were nowhere to be found.

Jessie tapped his foot on the pavement, then suddenly asked, “Captain, do you mind if I stop by the shop? It’s right across the street.”

Levi narrowed his eyes at the doctor for a moment, then waved a hand dismissively.

“Thanks, Captain. I’ll be back before you get the chance to miss me!”

You snorted as you watched Jessie practically skip away. “I’m excited to work with him,” you said to no one in particular.

“Me too,” a small voice next to your shoulder said. You turned to Rae Fairs and exchanged a small smile with her. “I’ve heard he’s one of the best doctors within the Walls. We are lucky he decided to join. With him there, hopefully there will be less causalities.”

Rae seemed much more talkative now that the Captain was a few paces away. You couldn’t really blame her.

“Hmm.” You wanted to ask how many causalities there normally were, but you knew you wouldn’t like the answer. “Hey, if you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?”

“Twenty.”

“You are quite young to be a soldier.”

Rae gave you an odd look. “I joined the Survey Corps when I was fifteen.”

You fought back your shock. “Oh. Sorry. I didn’t know Scouts were that young when they first joined.” It suddenly seemed quite hopeless to try to learn to use ODM gear in your late twenties. You cleared your throat. “And what made you become a medical volunteer?”

Rae’s eyes slid over to Levi, something like guilt on her face. “I just - wanted to.”

You raised a brow, but decided not to push the issue further. It wasn’t any of your business, after all.

Jessie returned, stuffing something into one of his bags. Levi gave him a long look, then returned his scorching gaze to the gate. A mist of irritation seemed to be thickening around him the longer you waited for his comrades. Rae shuffled backwards, away from him.

“You’re not going to ask me what I bought, Captain?” asked Jessie. You were a little surprised by this, too. After all, the Captain seemed to be rather suspicious of you yesterday.

Levi shrugged. “If it concerns me, I’ll find out eventually.”

“Are you going to tell us?” you asked.

Jessie smirked. “When it’s time.”

You opened your mouth to answer, but the sound of hooves hitting pavement stopped you. Five hooded figures appeared in front of your group in a cloud of dust. Three man and a woman came forward, all of them pulling the reins of additional horses. And behind them was – you squinted – a kid?

“You’re late,” Levi said. Rae took another step away from him.

“Sorry, Captain,” one of the men mumbled. His blonde hair was pulled into the smallest bun you’ve ever seen. “Oluo had a problem with his saddle.”

“Oh, right, Eld, blame it all on me,” another man yelled. Oluo, you assumed. “It’s not like you were taking forever to eat your breakfast, and then -”

“Enough,” Levi snapped. Oluo closed his mouth immediately. The Captain grabbed the reins of one of the extra horses. “Let’s go. We’re already late.”

A woman with short ginger hair reached down and handed you the reins of the horse she was pulling along. You thanked her and took a moment to pat your horses’ neck. “Do you need help getting up?” the woman asked.

“No, I’m good.” You mounted the horse smoothly, then realized how far from the ground you were. This was definitely different than your college horseback riding lessons. “Are these horses larger than normal?”

“Yes. They are bred to be bigger and stronger so they can outrun the Titans.” The woman smiled. “I’m Petra, by the way. Because I doubt the politeness of my comrades, let me introduce them myself.” She pointed at everyone as she spoke their names. “Oluo. Eld. Gunther. Eren.”

You got a few nods of acknowledgement. That boy, Eren, gave you a small wave, which you returned.

You frowned. Was he that Titan boy? The one everyone and their mother was talking about?

“Yes.”

You blinked at Petra. “Sorry?”

She smiled. “Yes, he is who you think he is.”

“Oh.” You had a million more questions, but you weren’t sure if it was the right time to ask them. The kid looked nervous enough already. He flinched when Levi said, “Newbies ride in the front.”

“What? Why?” asked Jessie. He almost slid off his horse.

“Because I want to keep an eye on you. Let’s go.”

With a sigh, you steered your horse forward. Jessie and Rae were on your right, Eren and Oluo on your left.

The sway of your horse beneath you, the morning breeze in your hair, it was almost enough to relax you.

Almost.

You felt a few pairs of careful eyes on your back. Soon enough, you began to feel like a criminal being taken hostage.

Next to you, Jessie kept moving around on his saddle.

“You all right, Doc?”

“Just prefer walking to being carried around on a big beast,” he mumbled. Rae shot him an amused look.

“Is your bag heavy?” you asked. “Maybe put it in front of you, so it’s not disrupting your balance.”

“That would mean letting go of the reins!”

You chuckled. “Give me your hand.”

Jessie gulped, then quickly grasped your extended hand, squeezing it like his life depended on it. He slammed his bag in front of him, causing his horse to shake its head in irritation. Jessie quickly took hold of the reins again, offering you an uncertain smile. “Thanks.”

Thankfully, other conversations started around you, making you feel more at ease. Oluo was talking up a storm, bragging to Eren about how many Titans he had killed in his career. It was interesting at first, but Oluo just wouldn’t stop. It was clear he was only trying to intimidate the poor kid. Somewhere behind you, Petra was wondering aloud if the Headquarters would even be usable, considering how long they have been abandoned.

You heard your name being called. You turned your head, clutching your reins a little tighter because of the newly awkward angle. “You’re the mapmaker, right?” Gunther asked. You nodded. “I understand you will be joining us on expeditions.”

“That’s right.”

“I apologize in advance if this is a stupid question, but how are you going to draw a map on a moving cart?”

“It’s not a stupid question at all. My plan is to draw a basic outline and write as many notes as I can while we are out in Titan territory. When we return is when I will begin creating an actual map as you know it.”

“Oh. That makes sense.” Gunther offered you a friendly smile.

Your shoulders relaxed. It would seem that not every member of the Levi Squad was an absolute asshole.

That was when Levi himself said, “Well, as long as you have a plan.”

You glared at him over your shoulder. “You don’t think I’m capable of producing a good map, Captain?”

“I don’t doubt your skills, only their usefulness to us.”

“Then you should take it up with the Commander,” you said with a huff, turning back around.

“Thank you for your advice,” Levi drawled.

You gritted your teeth.

Jessie smirked at you. “This job is going to be so fucking fun.”

You poked his horse in the side, and Jessie yelped.

-

Hours later, when Petra finally announced that you’ve almost reached the Headquarters, you sighed with relief. Your ass and thighs were on fire, your bags digging into your shoulders, and you could feel sweat ceaselessly sliding down your back. Jessie was also cringing every time his horse took a step forward. Eren’s face was downcast, hidden behind a hood, so you couldn’t gauge his reaction. The rest of the Scouts didn’t show any signs of pain or discomfort, but you doubted they were enjoying themselves after so many hours on horseback.

Nobody had told you anything about these Headquarters, so when a huge gray castle appeared in front of you, your jaw went slack. The castle was old and run down, undoubtedly inhabited by various insects and mice and other creatures, but at that moment it still felt like you had walked into a novel. You almost expected a huge fire-breathing lizard to appear.

“I have to say, I missed this place,” Petra said with a smile.

“But think about how long no one’s been here,” Gunther complained. “The place must be covered in dust.”

“That is something that cannot be tolerated,” Levi said. All eyes turned to him. “Drop your bags. We begin immediately.”

-

There were two things Levi knew that he was good at.

The first was killing Titans.

The second was reading people.

And something about this mapmaker was off.

Instincts toned sharper than a knife’s edge told him so.

He watched her now. She was on her hands and knees, scrubbing the floor meticulously. He could see the sweat forming atop her brows. She had covered the bottom half of her face with a handkerchief so as not to inhale too much dust. She was with Petra and that new doctor, Compson.

Levi knew that should the mapmaker say anything out of the ordinary, anything even slightly suspicious, he would be the first to know.

Petra briefly met his eyes, then continued dusting the kitchen cabinets.

The doctor said something and the mapmaker looked up, squinting her eyes. Levi couldn’t hear them, but he could tell that she was laughing.

He remembered a moment earlier that day, while they were still in the carriage. He was just about to tell them the plan, and she had leaned towards him in that tiny cramped carriage, her mouth slightly open, eyes bright with anticipation.

It was beyond him, why that particular sight had confused him so. He’d had to look away from her for a moment before continuing his explanation.

And he really didn’t have the time or the energy for these pointless musings. He was already stressed out enough about bringing Eren here, worrying about whether the kid was going to transform out of nowhere and hurt a member of his squad, or worse. His attention had to be on three people at once - Eren, the doctor, and the mapmaker, all new people that he didn’t trust.

He needed to get back and keep an eye on Eren.

He snuck another look at the mapmaker. She dunked her sponge into a bucket of water, and moved to clean the table. She wiped her forehead with the back of her hand, a few strands of hair falling around her face.

Before, while they were on horseback, Levi noticed when she had begun feeling sore, her legs twitching slightly, her conversation with the doctor dying out. Yet, she never complained, not once. And he’d know if she did, he was carefully listening to their conversation the whole time. Even know, after not eating for a whole day, she was still working hard, the only sign of her exhaustion an occasional sigh.

Levi had the misfortune of meeting a few people from the capital before, and he was damn sure not one of them would willingly drop to the floor to scrub it after riding for half a day.
 

Chapter Text

“Is this my room?” you asked, peering over Rae’s shoulder.

Rae nodded. “Yes. My room’s over there, and there’s Jessie’s. I think the room at the end of the hall should be a good fit for a make-shift infirmary.” The young Scout rubbed her eyes. “But let’s discuss all of that tomorrow, please. This day has been long enough.”

“Agreed.”

You stepped into your new room, surprised to find it connected to a bathroom. It honestly exceeded your expectations – you had a bed with two pillows, an old wooden chair, and a small, wobbly-looking desk. You’ve had better, but you’ve also had worse. Much, much worse.

There wasn’t a closet in the room, so you just threw your bags onto the floor. When you glanced at the window, you gasped, “Curtains!”

You heard Jessie laugh from the room across from yours. “This is a castle. What did you expect?”

“Honestly? A bale of hay and a blanket,” you yelled back.

You peaked into the bathroom more reluctantly. Whoever was in charge of cleaning this wing of the castle today had clearly overlooked it. A horrible, musty smell hung in the air. You plucked your nose and quickly opened the tiny bathroom window, barely managing to stop it from coming out of the frame completely. At least you had a bathtub. There was no running water, of course, but you had seen a well close by, and someone had even mentioned a river. You could make it work. You would make it work.

You closed the bathroom door. That was a problem for tomorrow.

Upon turning around, you almost jumped out of your skin when you saw Captain Levi standing at your door, silent as a grave.

Putting a hand over your heart, you closed your eyes for a moment. “You could have announced yourself,” you muttered.

“Your door was open.”

“That isn’t an invitation for you to be a creep.”

His eyes narrowed. He slipped into your room and, in one swift movement, kicked the door closed.

The dull sound echoed through the small room.

You really, truly hated to admit, but you felt a tiny sliver of fear sneak into your heart as humanity’s strongest soldier stared you down.

“I hope you are aware of the fact that I am your superior officer,” he said, his voice low and dangerous. Evidently, his voice was not always monotonous. “And if you’re not, this will be the last time I remind you. As my subordinate, I expect you to show me some respect.”

You kept your face expressionless as you sat on the bed, beginning to rummage through your bags, if only to have something to do with your hands. You pulled out the clothes you planned to sleep in. “Respect is earned, Captain.”

He shook his head slowly. “Not in the military. Seeing as you are a part of the military now, it would be wise to learn all of our little rules.”

“Fine. I promise not to call you a creep again. Are we done here?”

“No,” he said flatly. “We need to talk.”

“About what?”

He leaned against the door, propping his foot up and crossing his arms. Blocking your exit. “That Underground map you did. Why would you ever accept such a job?”

You weren’t expecting that kind of question, but all right. “I was fresh out of college. I needed a job, and the guy offered a lot of money.”

“How did a Mitras brat like you survive in the Underground for a month?”

Asshole. “My buyer’s reputation offered me some protection, I think.” That’s what he had claimed, at least. You’d still had your wallet stolen four times and you had been threatened with a knife on countless occasions. That had undoubtedly been the most terrifying and stressful month of your entire life, but you had started getting more requests for a plethora of different maps after that. You always wondered if that man from the Underground had something to do with your sudden influx of buyers.

A shadow passed over Levi’s face. He suddenly looked even more unfriendly. “What name did he give you?”

“Kylo.”

“And what did he look like?”

You racked your brain, trying to remember the man’s face, then slowly started, “Tall and skinny. Had a weird little goatee. Dark hair.” You shrugged. “I don’t know. He looked like every other criminal to me.” Levi didn’t say anything for a while, leaving the silence stretching between you, as vast as the supposed sea, so you hesitantly added, “Look, if this is really important for whatever reason, I could probably draw him for you.”

He seemed to think about it for a moment, then said, “All right. Draw him when you get the chance and bring it to me.”

“Fine.”

You waited for him to say something else, then slowly readjusted your position on the bed, leaning against the headboard. If this interrogation was going to last much longer, you wanted to at least be comfortable.

Finally, Levi announced, “I don’t trust you.”

“What? Why?” What could you have possibly done wrong in this one day of knowing the Captain?

“What did your mother do?”

Fuck. You kept your face carefully composed, letting nothing but polite surprise show. “She made jewellery.” It wasn’t technically a lie.

“And your father?”

“He worked at a bar.”

“Are they both dead?”

You frowned at how impassively he asked such a question. “Yes.”

Another long pause, then, “Why did you choose to study martial arts and horseback riding in college?”

If you knew the Captain was a damn detective, you wouldn’t have joined the Survey Corps. “It interested me,” you said lamely.

“Why?”

You threw your hands up, unable to hide your exasperation any longer. “It just did. I chose them for the same reason I chose all my other subjects. I wanted to study them.”

Your fingers twitched. You hid them under your legs.

“I don’t believe you,” Levi said. You opened your mouth to argue, but he lifted his hand up to stop you. “And I need to. I need to trust you if I am going to allow you access to my team, or Eren, or any of the other Scouts.”

Relief washed over you, calming the heat in your face.

The Captain wasn’t that good of a detective after all, or he simply didn’t peak where he was supposed to, didn’t push the right buttons that would have led him to some interesting answers. He merely worried for his team, which you could understand.

“I can promise you I am not here to disclose any of your military secrets. I only want to do my job.”

You could feel him studying you, noting every tiny change that occurred in your expression. “Then let me ask you one more question. Why did you accept this job?”

There was no hesitation this time. “I want to see the world. And – and I want to be the one who documents it.”

This time, Levi simply nodded, turning around to leave. It would seem that your interrogation was over. But a little voice in your head told you that there were many more interrogations and tests to come. You had to prove yourself to him, and probably to Erwin and Hange, too. Which was fine.

You had your dream – the world under your fingertips – and now you would work towards achieving it, no matter how long and difficult that road would be. As long as you were left standing at the end of it, a map of the outside world in your hand.

“Come down to the dining hall. We’re having tea,” Levi said over his shoulder. It didn’t sound like a suggestion.

You heard him repeating the same thing to Jessie and Rae. Then his footsteps slowly disappeared down the hall.

-

Jessie rubbed his eyes. “Need sleep,” he mumbled. “And food.”

“I doubt there’s anything to eat,” Rae said. The three of you made your way through the winding corridors. “I don’t think anyone went hunting today.”

“I guess cleaning was more important,” you said. Your stomach twisted painfully.

Rae lowered her voice. “The Captain is a bit of a clean freak.”

“He’s a bit of a freak in many regards, I hear,” whispered Jessie conspiratorially. Both you and Rae gave him a weird look. “I mostly meant being a freaky Titan killer. I don’t know what you ladies meant.”

Jessie threw one arm over Rae’s shoulders and the other over yours, and the three of you walked into the castle’s dining hall together.

It was a huge, slightly stuffy room, filled with at least thirty long tables that seemed to be itching to hold a feast that was nowhere to be found.

As you made your way towards the table occupied by the Levi Squad and Eren, you said, “Jessie, don’t take offense, but I still can’t believe you’re a doctor.”

“Why? You never knew doctors could be both handsome and fun?”

“Speaking of that, do we begin medical training tomorrow?” Rae asked.

“I suspect we’ll need to prepare the actual infirmary first,” said Jessie. “Let’s do that after lunch tomorrow? If we end up having lunch, that is.”

You took a seat next to Gunther, who grabbed three cups from the center of the table and passed them over to you. You thanked him as Rae got to pouring the tea. The pleasant smell told you that it was mint tea. At least you would have something warm in your stomach before you went to bed.

“Don’t forget that you have training,” said Levi. “At dawn.”

“At dawn?” Jessie exclaimed, aghast.

“For fuck’s sake,” you muttered under your breath.

Gunther gave you a small smile. “Are you excited at all about learning to use ODM gear?”

You took a sip of tea before answering, “Honestly, I don’t know. I just can’t imagine mastering it in a month.”

“Well, you won’t,” said Oluo. Petra elbowed him with more force than necessary. “What? It’s true! It takes Cadets years to master ODM gear! And isn’t it scientifically proven that people learn better when they’re younger? Honestly, Petra, you should know this,” he declared loudly.

You exchanged a worried look with Jessie.

Petra graced Oluo with a long, disgusted glare, then turned to you. “Don’t worry. You can learn the basics in a month.”

“Especially since you won’t be focused on learning how to fight Titans,” added Gunther. “We just need to you to be ready to flee or get to a high place where you can wait for help.”

“So, we won’t be doing any slashing and slicing, just flying around?” asked Jessie.

“Basically,” chuckled Petra, resting her chin on her fist.

You noticed that Oluo was frowning at the doctor.

Jessie grinned. “That does sound kind of fun.”

You gave him a weak smile, unconvinced. You didn’t know much about ODM gear, but flying around sounded a lot like tempting fate, waiting to be humbled for thinking you could act like a bird without any repercussions.

You drank your tea, feeling your shoulders relax with each sip.

“Captain?” a small voice said. All eyes turned to Eren. “Where am I sleeping tonight? You haven’t said.”

“The basement.”

You frowned. Wasn’t Eren kind of the most important person here? Why should he sleep in the basement? You felt really bad for the kid, especially when you saw how afraid he was of Levi. His were wide, but he still dared to softly ask, “The basement? Again?”

Levi regarded him coolly. “You can’t control your Titan abilities yet. If you transform in the middle of the night, we can contain you in the basement, and make sure the rubble of the mess you’d make doesn’t kill anyone.”

Oh. You briefly wondered if you would ever actually make it outside the Walls, or if you would die here, at this castle. You apparently had to worry both about not killing yourself while using ODM gear, and not being crushed to death by a Titan-boy’s hand.

Involuntarily, your eyes slid over to the Captain. You watched in confusion as he grabbed his cup by the rim and brought it to his lips like that.

You had never seen anyone drink tea in such a horrific way. You made a mental note to never place a map near him so as to not get it soaked when he inevitably dropped his cup.

Levi turned his head to the side, seemingly listening to something. You strained your ears, too, yet you couldn’t hear anything but the gentle clinking of everyone’s cups.

The Captain closed his eyes for a second as though he was steadying himself, then turned back to Eren. “You should know something, Eren. You may have gotten away from the Military Police, but there is someone here who might be even worse. Someone who may fiddle around with you, and even kill you.”

“Someone?” Eren exclaimed. “Who?”

Something slammed into the closed doors of the dining hall.

You flinched, nearly dropping your teacup.

Jessie had spilled some tea on Rae’s legs and was apologizing profusely, while also muttering a series of profanities.

Confused, you watched the Scouts’ faces fall.

For a moment, no one moved.

With a sigh, Petra finally stood up to open the door.

Section Commander Hange happily sauntered in, raising a hand in greeting. “Hello, Levi Squad! And my favourite doctor and mapmaker! How are you enjoying the castle?”

You couldn’t help but crack a smile. Knowing Hange would be staying here as well made you feel a little better.

“You’re early,” Levi commented, sounding none too pleased.

“I couldn’t wait any longer!” said Hange, stalking towards Eren, whose eyes widened. “Say, Eren. I’m in charge of investigating the two Titans we have captured in town. And I’d like you to help me with tomorrow’s experiments! Do you want to?”

They had Titans captured? How? How could they safely transport something so huge back into the Walls? You would have to ask Hange sometime.

“I – I can’t give permission for myself,” Eren said quietly, glancing at the Captain.

“Levi! What’s Eren doing tomorrow?” asked Hange.

“Cleaning the courtyard,” was Levi’s impassive reply.

“Then it’s settled!” Hange clapped their hands. “You’ll join me for tomorrow’s experiments!”

“Section Commander Hange, what do you mean by experiments?” asked Eren with worry. “What kind of experiments?”

The atmosphere in the room immediately changed. Everyone shifted in their seats. Oluo snapped, “Hey, don’t ask that!” Gunther put his head in his hands, and Eld sighed. Petra finished her tea in one big gulp.

Hange gasped, grabbing Eren’s hand. “Would you really like to hear about my experiments?”

Without a word, Levi stood up, pushing his chair back. He promptly left, closely followed by the rest of his team, and even a grimacing Rae walking on her tiptoes so as to not draw Hange’s attention.

Hange turned to you and Jessie hopefully. “Do you two want to hear about them, too?”

You hesitated. “I would love to,” you said honestly. You had wanted to learn more about Titans to be better prepared for the expedition, and there was probably no one alive more knowledgeable than Hange. “But I have training at dawn, and I am already exhausted. I’m sorry, Section Commander.”

With a wave of a hand, Hange said, “Nothing to be sorry about. We will have plenty of opportunities to talk.”

They turned to Eren and began a tale of someone called Sawney, and something about beans.

-

That night, even though you’d had so much on your mind, you fell asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow. You dreamed of the past.
 

Chapter Text

When you were young, you had nothing but the wind and the Sun and an empty belly.

When you were one, life in Shiganshina was difficult for most people unfortunate enough to live there, but especially for a baby girl born out of wedlock to a drunk father and unemployed mother. Your father was a stranger to you, and only later did you learn that he had met his death at the bottom of a bottle soon after you first opened your eyes. Your mother, on the other hand, was the sunlight lurking behind stubborn clouds, all tear-stained smiles and shaking, familiar hands. She could not keep you warm at night. You would cry and scream until you fell asleep, exhausted, bundled in her arms, hidden under a bridge, or nestled in a bale of hay.

When you were three, the world around you was cold and dirty, strange and tinted with gray. The wind bit at your cheeks until they ached. The mud beneath your feet stained your too-big, slippery shoes. You could not understand why women tugged their children away from you when you ran towards them, wanting to play. You could not understand why people would steal from you and your mother, when you barely had anything worth taking. You could not understand why your mother couldn’t find a job that would get you pretty dresses and warm scarfs and colorful pencils and old books. Other children had those things.

Poverty suffocated.

Poverty mocked, pushing you down into the mud, offering you no reason to even stand up.

But you at least had her, your mother, beautiful even with unwashed hair and distant eyes. You had her, and crusty bread, and stolen apples, and the stories she would tell you as you fell beside her.

When you were five, you held your first pocket-knife. Your mother pushed it into your hand after someone had stolen your blankets while she was away, scrubbing floors in a local bakery to earn a few coins. The pocket-knife was your first ever toy. You threw it at trees and cheered when it would impale the bark, wobbling for a moment before going perfectly still. You saw yourself as one of those heroes from your mother’s stories. It didn’t matter that other children found you strange, and that their parents feared you.

When you were seven, you got into your first fight. You stepped in front of your mother, victorious, but fashioning a bloodied lip and a bruised cheek, and she wept. You hid the cinnamon bun you had won behind your back, worried that your prize would make her even more upset.

A few after that incident, she left you at the bakery and disappeared, claiming she had found a proper, well-paying job. You were confused about this sudden hopeful light in your mother’s eyes, but at least you got to eat as much bread as you liked for two whole weeks.

When your mother returned, she had bags upon bags in her arms – books and mittens and dried meat and strange black-specked strudels you were dubious about, but ended up loving. Poppy seed strudels all the way from Mitras, your mother informed you proudly.

She told you about this new job of hers, but you could hardly keep up with her rapid explanations and her ecstatic voice, completely unfamiliar to you. Something about small, colorful stones, and rich people from Mitras wanting them. Something about riding on horseback, and seeing landscapes of far away lands. Something about cold, dark paths that sliced deep into the ground and provided those blinking stones. Clueless but more joyful than ever, you hugged your mother tightly, and tried not to be sad when she left for another job.

You got into more fights. Older children tried to snatch the pastries and picture-filled books from your hands. You wouldn’t let them, not after wishing for these things your entire life.

Punching and kicking and wielding your pocket-knife, you learned to win.

When you were ten, your understanding of your new and improved life grew. Your mother ventured outside the Walls and collected small rocks called gemstones. They were truly beautiful, each one unique, but you did not understand why those people from Mitras would pay that much money to own them, only to put them on necklaces and earrings. Your mother claimed some used them for alternative medical rituals, too, but that certainly made no sense.

But you didn’t care all that much about the specifics. Whatever your mother’s strange job was, she always came back from it with money in her hands and a smile on her face. You now had a tiny house, slowly filling with books and clothes and pots and pans. There was always food on the table. You could afford school books and finally learned how to read with the help of a tutor.

Everything was better, brighter. Life in Shiganshina finally seemed livable.

When you were eleven, you learned of Titans in school. Huge, awful, man-eating monsters that killed everyone who left the safety of the Walls. You ran from school in near hysterics, knowing your mother was home that day, but still fearing she somehow wouldn’t be. You sobbed and cried until you couldn’t breathe anymore, drowning under the weight of those awful drawings the teacher had shown you. Your mother held you for a long time, whispering reassuring words about how careful she always was, how she could now afford strong, tall horses, how she had never even seen a Titan in all her times leaving the Walls.

You were too young for a fear that strong.

But your mother would not stop.

It wasn’t about the money anymore.

Adventure. You knew that word, thought you understood its definition. But that half-wild look in your mother’s eyes, the notebooks she filled with endless stories of the outside world, made you question everything.

You wanted her to be happy.

A fireplace. A real, straw-less bed. Sweaters and a jacket. Clean water. A necklace. Warm meals available multiple times a day. A book for every good grade you got in school.

Your world continued to change as your mother’s secret business developed. You kept most of your treasures hidden, since the true nature of your mother’s job had to be kept secret from everyone but her wealthy employers.

When you were eighteen, you finished high school with a seemingly infinite thirst for knowledge.

Your mother had promised you an exciting graduation present, but nothing could have prepared you for the true scope of it –moving to Mitras, leaving the smallness of Shigashina behind you forever.

A fresh start. We both deserve it, darling.

You selfishly agreed.

Mitras was different. Fast, loud, clean. The people were attractive, elusive, beautifully dressed and eloquent.

You felt like a crow among peacocks.

Fitting in was not easy, but carried with it many rewards. Expensive wine, needless but lovely accessories, leather-bound books, dip pens and black quills, boots shined to perfection, clothes that actually fit and did more than just keep you warm.

You figured out how to dress, how to speak, what to say about your mother’s new business – she had learned how to work with silver and gold, and opened a small jewellery shop. She enjoyed working there, but she still loved travelling beyond the Walls most of all. Once a month, she did just that, leaving with soft, calming words, and returning with pockets full of gemstones.

You started college, rekindling your love of learning once more. You had a beautiful house in the center of town. You met friends, boyfriends, professors, future employers. Wendy began working for your small family. The people of Mitras got to know you, and began to consider you a part of their town, as though you had always been there.

As though you belonged there. It felt like you did.

You still worried about your mother’s line of work, which you then deemed unnecessarily dangerous. You had everything you needed, and more.

But she needed to see the outside world, she claimed.

She would always come back, she insisted.

When you were twenty-two, she left and never come back.

Chapter Text

You surprised yourself by waking up before dawn. Bad dreams kept you tossing and turning for most of the night, and now you still felt yesterday’s exhaustion weighing heavily on your shoulders. The urge to stay in bed was strong, but you forced yourself to get up with a loud groan.

You lit a candle and, half-awake, stumbled through the dark corridors of the desolate castle until you found the cleaning supplies you had used yesterday. You took them back to the room and got started on cleaning your bathroom. The smell had somewhat aired out, but it was still an unpleasant task. It was necessary, however, if you intended to feel at least somewhat comfortable at this place.

You scrubbed the bathtub, dusted the window and removed the cobwebs that hung in the corners. The huge spiders that leaped out got killed from a distance, with a slipper.

Feeling quite proud, you then rummaged through your things to find the baggies of lavender you had packed. Your fingers grazed over the most embarrassing items you had brought from Mitras – three little chocolate bars. You weren’t even sure why you had packed them. Maybe, if you lived through the expedition, you would celebrate with some chocolate. Or maybe you should give Eren one. The kid could probably use a little treat to cheer him up.

You were placing a tiny bag of lavender on the window sill when you heard a soft knock. “Come on in,” you said with a sign. After such a slow, even pleasant morning, you were not in the mood to deal with Captain Asshole for who knows how many hours.

Petra hesitantly walked into your room. “Good morning. Oh, you’re up already?”

“Oh, hi, Petra,” you said, surprised. “I’ve been up for a little while, cleaning my bathroom.”

Her polite smile wavered. “Your bathroom wasn’t cleaned yesterday? Oluo was supposed to clean this entire wing of the castle.” She shook her head. “That lazy man. I’m really sorry you had an additional job because of him.”

“It’s honestly fine. Now I’ve had an excuse to clean it just to my liking.” You put your hands on your hips. The Sun was just beginning to rise, a soft orange glow sneaking into your room. “I suppose it’s time for training?”

“Yes. Get dressed, we’ll be waiting outside.”

“Anything specific I should wear?”

“Something tight would be good, so we can properly clasp the buckles around your legs.”

You put some trousers on and left the probably deceptive safety of your new room.

You met Gunther, Jessie, and Petra outside the castle. You scanned the courtyard, but there was no sign of the Captain yet. Perhaps he was creeping around somewhere, waiting to make a dramatic entrance.

Gunther and Petra led you into the forest surrounding the castle. You noticed both of them were carrying a bundle of straps that had a torture device look to them, and Gunther had some rope thrown over his shoulders.

“I think this will do,” Petra said, pointing at a tree.

Gunther threw some rope over a thick branch a bit above your head, then tied the other end to a nearby tree. Petra did the same thing on an adjacent branch. She grabbed one of the hanging ropes and hoisted herself up, staring at the branch above for a few seconds. When it didn’t break, she did the same thing on the other piece of rope.

Jessie looked around, then said, “I kind of got the impression that the Captain was going to be training us?”

You were thinking the same thing.

Petra let go of the rope. “He probably will be the one training you. But you can’t go straight to ODM gear, you have to learn to balance first. You’ll be doing that with us for the next few days.”

“Sorry to disappoint,” added Gunther with a grin.

“Believe me, this is a very pleasant surprise,” you said. You stretched your hands above your head. Not only did you not have to worry about using real ODM gear just yet, but you also didn’t have to deal with Levi’s crankiness for at least a few more days.

This was turning out to be quite a nice morning, indeed.

Petra approached you, bundle of straps in hand. “Shoes off, please.” You stepped out of your shoes and Petra knelt in front of you, wrapping the straps around your feet and legs, all the way to your hips, where a metal device clicked into place. “You can put your shoes back on now. Bear in mind that you will need to wear boots when actually using ODM gear. They will be provided for you when the rest of the Scouts and all of our supplies arrive.”

“Why boots?”

“They will hold the straps around your legs tightly, so it’s both more secure and comfortable.”

Jessie bent his knees to test the straps Gunther had put around his legs.

Gunther said, “Essentially, we are going to be testing and improving your balance now. In the Cadet Corps, they call this the aptitude test. They have actual equipment for lifting the cadets into the air, but this will do. Cadets need to pass this test or they can’t move on to ODM gear, as they are practically useless if they can’t balance in mid-air.” He scratched the back of his head. “Seeing as you both have already joined the Scouts, failure really isn’t an option here. You need to be able to do this.”

No pressure, huh?

Petra and Gunther looked at you both expectantly. Before you could say anything, Jessie mused, “Ladies first.”

With a grimace, you approached the ropes. “So, what do I do?”

“I am going to have to lift you up,” Gunther said. “Is that all right?” You nodded and he held onto your waist and easily lifted you off the ground. You couldn’t help but chuckle, feeling like a child in his unwavering grip. You idly swung your legs.

Petra attached the ropes hanging from the branches to both sides of your metal belt. You heard her position herself behind you.

“Now, I am going to quickly grab your hands,” explained Gunther. “Be ready.”

You nodded, the nerves setting in.

Gunther let go off your waist and quickly reached for your hands. Your legs shook as you tilted forward, then backwards. The straps dug into your legs, and the unexpected pain made you gasp.

You unintentionally squeezed Gunther’s hands, realizing that this was going to be much harder than it sounded. “Don’t panic,” he said gently. “Try to find your balance.”

When you tipped backwards you felt Petra’s hands on your back. She waited for you to regain some semblance of balance before slowly letting go.

They make fifteen-year-olds do this? With a shaky breath, you looked down at your trembling, aching legs. You slowly positioned one foot in front of the other.

“Good,” Gunther said. “Now, straighten your back and look up. I am going to position your hands to where they ideally should be.” He slowly moved your hands to your sides, spreading them out. This new position caused your legs to twitch again. Gunther waited for you to stop shaking before saying, “I am going to let go of your hands now. Try to stay upright as long as you can.”

“How?” you asked breathlessly. It seemed utterly impossible.

“Squeeze your abdomen and your legs,” Petra chirped in.

“Are you ready to try?” asked Gunther.

“Yeah. Just -” You looked at him pleadingly. “Please, don’t let me break anything.”

“We won’t.”

He slowly let go of your hands and stood in front of you, arms outstretched.

You squeezed your stomach and your legs as hard as you could. Your thighs and ass and ankles were already screaming in pain, compressed by the straps, and your body was not able to adjust to this unnatural floating position. Your left foot inched forward, so you tried to push your right backwards, just a little.

Panting, you stood frozen in mid-air for a couple of seconds, which felt like a lifetime to your aching muscles.

All it took was one sharp inhale and you were surging backwards, the world blurring in front of your eyes.

You fell right into Petra’s arms.

“Thanks,” you breathed out.

“You did really well?” Jessie’s encouragement came out sounding more like a question.

You closed your eyes, trying to catch your breath. How could something that looked so simple be so strenuous, and so, so fucking painful?

“You actually did quite well,” confirmed Petra gently.

“I barely managed to hold it for a few seconds,” you said hopelessly. You were going to swing right into a Titan’s mouth out there.

“And that is good for your first time,” Petra said. You couldn’t tell if she was being honest as you couldn’t see her face. “Because this is hard. Our bodies were designed to stand on a solid surface, not float in mid-air.”

“Everyone knows first times suck,” Jessie added.

Gunther offered you a hand. “Do you want to try one more time before taking a little break?”

You felt a surge of gratitude for the three people around you. You didn’t know them at all, they had absolutely no obligation to be nice to you, but they were.

“All right.” You took Gunther’s hand and Petra slowly pushed you forward. The ropes strained as you stood upright again.

“Let’s try it with me holding just one of your hands now. Where will you place the other?”

Clutching Gunther’s hand like your life depended on it, you slowly moved your left hand in place, just behind your hips. Then you tugged on Gunther’s hand and moved it to your right side, a little in front of you. You raised your chin, staring at the trees in front of you.

He let go. You squeezed your core, straining all your muscles, breathing harshly through your nose. Threatening to tilt forward, you rotated your hands backwards slowly, which miraculously left you standing upright. Jessie cheered.

However, you only managed to count to ten before the smallest movement of your heel sent you hurling towards Gunther.

You held onto his shoulders as the beautiful sound of Petra untying you reached your ears.

Your feet plopped onto the ground as you straightened, your hands going to your aching thighs.

“See, you already did so much better the second time,” said Petra.

“I guess.” You were just glad to have a moment’s rest.

“Your turn,” Gunther told Jessie, whose smile immediately disappeared.

You sat on the ground, your legs throbbing in pain, while the Levi Squad members attached Jessie’s belt to the ropes. Gunther picked him up just as easily as he had lifted you up, no sign on exertion on his face.

You watched Jessie’s face contort in pain as he struggled to find his balance. He cursed loudly as he pitched forward, grabbing onto Gunther desperately. You grimaced, knowing you had looked just as ridiculous a few moments ago.

Something caught your eye in one of the trees behind Jessie. You haven’t been that excited to see an apple tree in a long time. Hunger overshadowed pain and you forced yourself up, stalking towards the first thing you would eat in over twenty-four hours. You picked four of the nicer looking apples, holding them to your chest.

“Is that food I see?” Jessie asked weakly. He had practically thrown himself onto the ground after being untied.

“I don’t even like apples that much, yet I could probably eat ten right now,” sighed Petra, taking one of the apples from your hands. “Thank you.”

“We should pick some more on our way back,” said Gunther.

The four of you sat on the ground in a small circle, biting into your apples. They were small and sour, but it was better than nothing.

“Are apples the only thing we are going to eat today?” you asked.

“I hope not,” said Petra. “Eld and Oluo went hunting this morning. If Oluo manages to not scare away every single animal in the vicinity, lunch should be waiting for us when we get back.”

“Something to look forward to while you continue to train.” You rolled your eyes at Gunther’s untimely remark, and he chuckled lightly.

With his mouth full, Jessie asked, “So, how long have you two been a part of the Special Operations Squad?”

Gunther pursed his lips. “Years.”

Petra nodded, smiling. “Feels like forever.”

“How did you all get banded together?” you asked, genuinely interested. You didn’t know anything about the Levi Squad, save for trivial gossip you’d heard on the streets of Mitras.

“The Captain chose us himself,” Petra said. You couldn’t help but notice the streak of pride in her voice, and how her expression softened the moment she mentioned Captain Levi. You wondered if there was anything beyond companionship and work between the two of them. “He said he thought we would work well together as all of us are quite fast and we can make a tough decision in mere seconds. I suppose he was right.”

“I heard you guys have killed over 200 Titans together,” Jessie said.

Your mouth fell open. This was certainly news to you. You knew that they were good, of course, but 200 Titans? “That is insane. You are really the best of the best, huh?”

Petra shrugged humbly. “Sort of.”

Gunther laughed. “All right, enough bragging. And enough slacking. Back to training, you two.”

Jessie shot you a pained look.

-

Levi’s irritation kept growing with every loud gulp of water that Eren took.

To say that this morning was an absolute failure would be an understatement.

Not only did he, Hange, and Eren tire out three horses, riding through the forest, trying to find an unusable well where they would try to get Eren to transform, but he also had to listen to Hange list endless hypotheses, each stranger than the last, about how Eren might have gotten his Titan abilities. And, of course, all of his troubles proved pointless since the kid couldn’t even transform.

And now he was sitting there, chugging water like a five-year old, barely stopping to breathe between gulps. Why the hell was he so thirsty, anyway, when he hasn’t done anything useful thus far?

Levi forced himself to be rational. He wasn’t angry at the kid, not really. Eren was still practically clueless about his own transformations, and he had truly tried to change into a Titan for their experiment - he had bloodied his damn hand trying.

No, it wasn’t Eren who was pissing him off, even though his hand itched to smack that glass of water from his hand.

It was everything.

Hange’s Titans were killed, and the Military Police were no closer to finding the culprit. They had a mole among them, hiding in their ranks, and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Everything he thought he knew about the Survey Corps, about the world, was changing, and he could barely keep up.

Of course, Hange was inconsolable, having formed a weird attachment to those two Titans. He couldn’t listen to any more moaning about Sawney’s lovely blue eyes, or how scared Bean must have been when he saw his murderer charging towards him.

Now, Hange sat in front of him, deep in thought. He relished the brief silence.

They were sitting outside the castle, waiting for lunch, if it ever came. Through the open kitchen window, Levi could hear Eld yelling at Oluo not to burn the rabbit meat. That young Scout, Rae Fairs, had gone to check on them, but Oluo had kicked her out, declaring that the art of cooking could not be rushed.

Levi closed his eyes. Would he ever catch a break?

“Oh, looks like aptitude training is over for our doctor and mapmaker!”

Apparently not.

Levi glanced over his shoulder. The doctor and the mapmaker were slowly making their way towards them, their legs spread at a weird angle. Gunther and Petra were behind them, both amusement and concern on their faces. They were carrying something in their arms. Apples?

Fairs raised her eyebrows. “You guys all right?”

“Ass hurts,” the mapmaker announced loudly. “Thighs, too. Calves. Ow.” She sat down next to Hange and leaned forward until her head rested on the table. Hange chuckled and patted her on the back.

“Everything hurts,” the doctor said weakly. He cringed as soon as his rear made contact with a chair.

This was quite normal. ODM gear demanded extraordinary strength, especially in the beginning, when you needed to learn to shift your center of gravity and manipulate every single muscle in your legs. Levi remembered his legs being on fire after using ODM gear for the first time. He also remembered slamming into a wall at full speed, breaking his nose and almost knocking himself out, as he didn’t really know what he was doing. These newbies should be thanking their lucky stars they had someone to teach them.

Petra and Gunther tossed a bunch of tiny green apples on the table.

“How was aptitude training?” Levi asked.

“Good,” Gunther said vaguely.

Levi waited for Gunther to meet his eyes. He quirked a brow. A silent question – who couldn’t do it?

Gunther nodded towards the doctor, then looked away.

Levi wasn’t expecting that. Jessie Compson, despite his annoying happy-go-lucky attitude, looked like a strong man. Levi had assumed he would do fine, better than the mapmaker, at least.

He wondered exactly how well she did. He would have to ask Petra or Gunther later.

The mapmaker was looking everywhere but at him. She was clearly upset about their little talk yesterday.

Levi was still certain that she was hiding something, but he felt a little more at ease. He got the impression that whatever she was hiding had nothing to do with the Survey Corps, and would not endanger his team in any way. That was good enough for him.

For now.

When she’d said that she wanted to see the world and be the one to map it, he believed her. He recognized the hope and wild ambition in her eyes. He could see the same thing whenever he looked at Erwin.

Eld and Oluo brought out a few plates and some very charred meat and mushrooms. Nobody complained. They ate in silence, except the occasional comment from Oluo, who was, apparently, the one who shot the rabbits. Eld rolled his eyes.

After that sad first course, everyone moved onto the apples. They were horrible, but Levi felt his strength slowly returning with each bite. The newbies also perked up, and even Eren stopped sulking.

Rae Fairs asked, “Do we begin medical training today, Jessie?” Levi didn’t know much about the young Scout, but she seemed like a hard worker, eager to learn. They were lucky that she decided to become a medical volunteer. Perhaps this expedition would be less fatal for the Scouts with her helping the doctor.

“We will need to gather some supplies first,” said the doctor. “And set up the infirmary. Probably clean it again, too. Whoever cleaned it yesterday did a sloppy job.”

Both the mapmaker and Petra glared at Oluo.

“I have to ask, though, Captain. Why exactly do we need to set up the infirmary here? Aren’t we leaving for the expedition in a month or so?” the doctor asked.

“Yes, but we will return here afterwards. We can’t go straight back into town. The horses will be exhausted, and a lot of the Scouts will probably be half-chewed. I suspect you’ll have your hands full then, Doctor.”

He merely grinned. “As long as they aren’t completely chewed up, I can put them back together again.”

What childish, wishful thinking.

Levi shifted his gaze to the mapmaker. He waited for her to finish the apple in her hand before calling her name. She finally looked up at him with an unimpressed expression that further ignited his annoyance. “Bring your map of the Walls,” he ordered. “We need to find more places in the area where Eren can safely try to transform.”

She only nodded and left to retrieve the map.

Eld went to find some mugs for them to have tea.

“But, Captain,” began Eren slowly, “I don’t know if I can transform.” He glanced at his hand, which hadn’t healed yet for some reason.

“If you’ve done it once – and I know you have, I saw it with my own eyes – you’ll do it again. I’m sure Hange will think of a solution to your little predicament.”

There was a feral glint in Hange’s eyes. “Oh, I will.”

Eren gulped.

A cup of black tea was placed in front of Levi, and the day started looking more promising. People murmured their thanks to Eld.

The mapmaker returned and carefully unfolded a brown-papered map in the center of the table. Everyone leaned forward, and she quickly said, “If anyone spills anything on my map, I will make you redraw the whole thing.” Everyone leaned back again, their mugs now safely tucked away.

Levi found the abandoned Headquarters on the map. He briefly marveled at how she managed to showcase the castle in such perfect light - all the towers were exactly where they were supposed to be, the stables were there, as well as the thick, oddly-shaped forest. Her lines were sharp, the black ink guided by a confident hand.

He dragged his finger across the map, looking for some kind of clearing nearby.

“Don’t press too hard,” she scowled. “You’ll smudge everything.”

“Tsk.” He clicked his tongue, but refrained from commenting further, saving himself the trouble, and lifted his finger off the paper. “Hange, what about here?”

From the corner of his eye, Levi saw Eren leaning down to pick something off the ground.

Whatever Hange was about to say was lost to the explosion.

Chapter Text

The blast threw you off the chair.

Chaos ensued.

You felt a strong arm grabbing you around the waist and pulling you back, but not before you blindly, frantically reached for your map.

The heat was unbearable. You closed your eyes, cheeks burning, breath stolen. You clutched your map to your chest, stumbling backwards, desperate for air.

People were yelling, and someone was loudly coughing right next to your ear.

When you managed to crack your eyes open, a strange steam was still blurring your vision, but you slowly began to piece together the bits and pieces of what just happened.

Rae was standing in front of you and Jessie, her blades drawn, knees bent - ready for battle. She must have been the one who pulled you away from the source of the explosion. Disoriented as you were, you still felt a rush of gratitude towards the young Scout, as well as a vague feeling of embarrassment that a girl eight years younger than you had to protect you.

As the steam began to clear, you saw something that looked like a big red boulder. Eren was on top of it, terrified, desperately trying to get his arm unstuck from somewhere.

But, what was -

It was strange, how the brain relied on perception, and how quickly it was able to reach a conclusion, no matter how insane it first appeared.

Your eyes widened when you realized what exactly you were looking at.

A part of a huge rib cage connected to mounds of red flesh. A red arm the size of a carriage laid limply on the ground.

The Levi Squad had their blades drawn and they were glaring at Eren, their teeth bared. Everyone was screaming at him, and he looked scared witless, his eyes like saucers. You could vaguely decipher Levi telling everyone to calm down, his deathly quiet voice no match for everyone’s shouts. Hange was squealing with delight and trying to push past Eld, who roughly pulled them back.

You could never have imagined the most elite squadron of the Survey Corps descending into such madness.

Perhaps it was justified, though, because how the fuck - ?

You returned your gaze to Eren and the thing he was sitting on. You knew, or at least assumed, but you had to ask, “It that a Titan?”

Jessie’s mouth was open. “I think it’s a part of a Titan?” He tried to get closer, but Rae pushed him back with more force than necessary. “Hey! I just want to see!”

“No,” she snapped. “He might be dangerous.”

“He’s a kid,” you argued.

“He is a Titan. And he just transformed without permission.”

“He couldn’t have done it on purpose,” said Jessie. He continued to stare at the half-formed Titan in wonder, his expression similar to Hange’s.

With a grunt, Eren pulled his hand free from wherever it had been stuck. Almost immediately, a quiet sizzling sound announced what was, apparently, the beginning of the decomposition process. You watched in amazement as the rib cage and flesh of Eren’s Titan slowly disappeared into thin air, as though they were never there. As though they didn’t just send you flying backwards, scrambling away from an unfathomable source of heat.

Impossible.

Incredible.

Rae finally lowered her arms with a sigh. She turned towards you, her eyes dropping to the map in your hands.

She grimaced.

You looked down. At least a third of your map was reduced to ashes, destroyed by the heat of the blast. You had countless more maps of the Walls at home, of course, and you had brought an extra one with you, but you still felt a pang of disappointment. It took you days to draw each map.

With a sigh, you crumpled it between your hands and let it drop to the ground. It was no one’s fault, after all.

Eren was on his knees, clutching his arm. Levi and Hange were crouching beside him. You couldn’t hear what they were saying. The rest of the Levi Squad stood close by, still holding their weapons, expressions wary.

You felt more like an outsider than ever.

“I guess the show’s over,” muttered Jessie.

-

“This will work,” announced Jessie with an air of importance, his hands on his hips, taking in the huge room that Rae had picked to be the infirmary. It had some empty shelves on one side and a desk near the windows, but it was otherwise empty. “Nice pick, Rae.”

You bounced on your feet. “So, what do we do first?”

“We are going to have a little treasure hunt,” said Jessie. “Rae, can you find someone to help you bring a few tables from the dining hall? Three should be enough.”

She nodded and disappeared through the door.

Jessie turned to you. “And can you check the rooms to see if you can find some spare bedsheets?”

You blinked. “Bedsheets?”

“We need them to make bandages. I brought some with me, and the Commander said he would provide some, but there is never enough bandages when it comes to soldiers.” You nodded, and he added, “Bedsheets, pillowcases, blankets, anything you can find. We’ll make it work.”

“You got it, Doc,” you said over your shoulder.

You knew for a fact that there wasn’t any extra bedding in your room, since you didn’t even have a closet. You weren’t sure where the members of the Levi Squad were staying, so you cautiously knocked on every door. If nobody answered, you opened the door and rummaged through the closet, if there was one. When you finally managed to find a few bedsheets and blankets you threw them over your shoulders and kept going.

You slowly – very, very slowly - made your way through the hundreds of rooms, your legs aching, breath coming out in pants.

When Eld opened one of the doors, he said he didn’t have any spare bedding and apologized. Same with Petra, but Gunther had a blanket that he didn’t need. You thanked him and moved on.

You passed a room without a door and curiously peaked in. It must have been a library at some point – there were rows upon rows of empty shelves, as well as some chairs and old sofas lining the walls. Before you moved on, you opened the windows to air the room out a bit.

You knocked on what seemed the millionth door. When you heard Levi’s unmistakable, “Yes?” you debated simply turning around.

Instead, you cracked the door open with a sigh.

Levi was sitting at a desk by a window, writing something, a cup of tea beside him. He turned towards you, his half-closed eyes meeting yours. His gaze flickered briefly to the mountains of bedclothes on your shoulders, but he said nothing.

“Do you have any spare bedding?” you asked. “Jessie needs it to make bandages.”

He stood up. “Will a blanket work?”

“It will.”

You scanned his room from the threshold. His bags were placed neatly under the desk and a faint smell of cleaning products lingered in the air. He didn’t have a closet either, apparently, but he did have a fireplace. That would sure come in handy in the cold evenings and brisk mornings.

You bit back your childish envy. If he was anyone else, you would have mentioned it, made a joke of inviting yourself over.

He gave you the blanket without another word.

“Thanks,” you muttered, turning to leave.

The door clicked closed behind you.

You returned your findings to the infirmary and threw them onto one of the three tables Rae had secured.

Jessie waved a pair of scissors. “Do you want to cut or clean?”

“Clean,” you decided.

You wiped the tables while Rae moped the floors, and Jessie cut the bedding into long strips. The three of you immediately found a rhythm as you maneuvered around each other, falling into a comfortable silence, interrupted only by Jessie’s surprisingly melodic humming.

“So, Rae, what are the most common types of injuries the you Scouts encounter on expeditions?” asked Jessie after a while.

“Missing limbs,” said Rae flatly.

You winced, but Jessie shrugged. “I figured that much. What else?”

Rae thought about it for a moment, then said, “Well, from what I’ve seen, there tend to be a lot of broken bones. Dislocated shoulders. Blood loss. And soreness from ridding for such a long time, but that’s usually the least of our problems.” You began to feel slightly sick, but Rae wasn’t even done. “Also, some people freak out and just pass out. Some drop dead, seemingly for no reason.”

Jessie nodded. “All right.” He noticed that you have gone quite pale and cracked a smile. “Don’t worry, I don’t expect you to deal with anything that serious. Ideally, I will be able to handle all the injured, but Captain Levi said that I should still teach you the basics. Better safe than sorry, I guess. I will try to not bother you too much out there, anyway. I know your primary goal is to draw a map of our route.”

You shook your head. “I want to help, truly. I guess I’m just nervous. Everything is happening all at once. These last two days felt like a lifetime.”

Jessie snorted. “Tell me about it. That aptitude training kicked my ass.”

You turned to Rae, “Hey, are you really the only medical volunteer? Did none of the other Scouts want to be volunteers?”

“They never do. They believe they can make more of a difference actually fighting Titans.”

“And you don’t feel that way?”

Rae glanced towards the closed door before answering. “…No.” She sighed, looking down, her blonde hair falling around her face. Both you and Jessie stopped what you were doing and looked up at her in surprise. “I think I’m a good solider,” she said slowly. “I’m a good fighter. Yet, I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing on the four expeditions I've been a part of.”

Jessie frowned, his cheerful attitude momentarily disappearing. “I’m sure that’s not true.”

She shrugged. It was as if she was suddenly somewhere far away. She suddenly seemed much older than twenty. “It is. I killed a few Titans, that’s it. And I didn’t – I couldn’t save anyone. I was never fast enough, or smart enough. I’ve watched so many comrades die in front of me and I wasn’t able to do anything. I joined the Survey Corps to make a difference, but I felt like I was only drifting around aimlessly on those expeditions, being completely useless and hoping not to get eaten. I decided to become a medical volunteer because that way I might actually be able to help a fellow soldier. Aid our cause.” She glanced up at you. “Sorry I didn’t answer your question properly before.”

“That’s all right,” you said gently. “You didn’t want the Captain to know?”

“He would think I was coward.”

“Then he’d be a fool,” you said simply, and you meant it.

Jessie nodded. “Those Scouts should be lucky to have you as a medical volunteer. I know I sure am lucky to have you helping me.”

Rae blushed and waved her hand dismissively.

You and Jessie exchanged a grin.

-

You spent the next few hours cleaning the infirmary until it was spotless. At some point Jessie sent Rae to gather as many bottles and containers as she could find in the kitchen and basement. He’d cut up all of the bedding and now stood in a pile of long strips of cloth.

He clapped his hands. “I think that will do for today, ladies. You’re dismissed, or whatever it is that that soldiers say.” He stretched his arms above his head with a loud groan. “I’m going to go boil this bedding and hang it to dry, and take a little walk in the forest to gather some herbs.”

“Do you need help with any of that?” you asked, wiping your hands on your trousers.

“Not really. I’m sure someone from the Levi Squad will subtly be watching over me the whole time, anyway.” He shook his head in amusement. “They seem to think I’m here to collect and sell their dirty little secrets on the black market. Especially the Captain.”

“You’re preaching to the choir,” you muttered, less than amused. You remembered the way Levi kicked your door shut, regarding you with narrowed eyes like you were the lowest of criminals.

Rae’s eyebrows furrowed. “A little piece of advice - try to get along with the Captain. It will do you a world of good to have him on your side.”

“What are we supposed to do?” you asked. “Yesterday he told me, very plainly, he that doesn’t trust me. And that was after he rudely interrogated me.”

“Can you blame him?” she asked gently. You bristled with anger, but she quickly continued, “Just think about it. Commander Erwin has recruited you and placed you under Captain Levi’s command, who already has the most wanted person within the Walls to look after.”

“Eren.”

“Yes. There’s just a few of us here, in the middle of nowhere. Eren is a young, confused, probably gullible teenager. If you were here to collect secrets, or even to try and take Eren, think about how easy it would be.” She shrugged. “The Captain is just cautious. Give it time and I truly believe he will begin to trust you, if you try to extend the hand of friendship to him.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” said Jessie. As he turned towards you, his usual grin made a comeback. “Although, I didn’t get interrogated. He must think you’re most suspicious than me.”

Well, great.

-

Considering Jessie didn’t keep you in the infirmary for more than a few hours, you found yourself confused as to what to do with yourself for the rest of the day. A bath sounded amazing, but it was still light outside, you would have plenty of time for that later.

As soon as your eyes landed on the rolls of paper peaking from your bag, an idea sprung to mind. Wendy surely wanted to hear about everything that had happened in these last two days. And you certainly had plenty of thoughts.

The light in your room wasn’t ideal, though. And the table outside the castle was destroyed by Eren’s half-transformation that afternoon.

You thought about that room that must have been the castle’s library at some point. There were tables and comfortable, albeit old chairs right next to the huge windows. You had instantly taken a liking to that place.

Grabbing some paper and a dip pen, you began another long ascent through the castle.

When you finally took a seat at one of the tables in the library, you were completely out of breath, wishing you had grabbed some water, or a cup of tea. However, there was no way you were going all the way down to the kitchen now, then climbing up all those stairs again. Dehydration would have to do for now.

You began the letter by thoroughly describing the pain in your legs.

You haven’t even gotten to telling Wendy about the aptitude training when you noticed it was beginning to get dark. Squinting your eyes, you continued writing. Wendy certainly needed to know about everyone here, especially – you hesitated. You weren’t sure if you were allowed to write about Eren. Deciding it was best not to take any chances, you moved on to describing the people you would be working closely with. Jessie and his odd humor and how much you would surely learn from him, and Rae, who you didn’t know well, but already liked, and -

A candle was placed next to you.

You flinched backwards so harshly you nearly fell off your chair. Again.

You looked up at Levi in shock. “How are you so soundless?”

“Years of practice,” he replied without humor. The candle cast an ominous shadow on his face, contorting his features. He looked at the papers in front of you. “What are you doing?”

“Writing a letter back home.” You wondered if this was going to turn into another interrogation.

Apparently not, because the Captain only nodded and turned on his heel, taking his leave.

Remembering Rae’s advice, you said, “Thanks for the candle.”

His only reply was, “What use will you be to us blind as a bat?”

You rolled your eyes as he walked away. So much for extending the hand of friendship.

Chapter Text

“You cannot be serious.”

On your fourth day at the Headquarters and your third day of aptitude training, Gunther thought it would be wise to shake things up a bit - literally.

He reached for your leg, ignoring your pointed glare.

“Gunther, I am in so much pain right now. You can't do this to me.”

Jessie snorted.

Gunther, diplomatic as ever, offered, “How about a break, and then we’ll try?”

“Yes, yes, fine,” you wheezed, desperate to stand on a solid surface for at least a few wonderful moments.

Gunther held your hands while Petra untied you from the torture machine that has greeted you every morning for the past three days. You landed on the ground, your knees immediately buckling. As if reading your mind, Jessie placed a flask of water in your hand, which you greedily drank from, showing your thanks by squeezing his shoulder.

“Be so kind as to tell me why you want to torture me even more,” you said to Gunther.

“Look, out there, if you need to use ODM gear, you’re probably not going to be able to just stand in place,” he explained patiently. “Chaos will ensue, and you’re going to need to move quickly.”

Petra added, “This is what you will be working on with the Captain, but it will be easier if you try it with us first.”

You hesitantly nodded. You knew they were right, after all. Being as prepared as possible increased your chances of survival.

A quiet shuffling sound drew your attention. Just my luck. All eyes turned to the Captain himself as he leaned against a nearby tree and crossed his arms, not uttering a single word, evidently waiting for you to continue training.

While he watched.

And judged.

Self-consciousness led to annoyance, and you huffed, looking away from him. You really didn’t want an even bigger audience for whatever was about to happen, but there was not much you could do about it.

With a sigh, you stood up and raised your arms, like a child waiting to be picked up. You heard Jessie trying to cover his laugh with a cough.

“Do I even weigh anything to you?” you asked Gunther as he effortlessly held you by your waist, while Petra attached the ropes to your belt for what seemed like the millionth time that morning.

He shrugged. “Barely.”

The now familiar pressure spread throughout your legs and abdomen. “Hold it for a bit first,” instructed Gunther. You tightened your core, finding your balance almost immediately.

It was true what Gunther and Petra said – it did get easier.

But easy? No.

You had been training with Gunther, Petra, and Jessie since dawn. It was close to noon now. Sweat slid down your back and your arms, making your shirt stick to your body. Your hair was a mess, and you were certain your cheeks had gone red from putting in so much effort. Exhaustion was a heaviness that had settled between your shoulder blades hours ago.

But now that you felt Levi’s scrutinizing eyes on you, you forced yourself to concentrate once more. You stood in mid-air almost perfectly still, breathing slowly through your nose, more than aware of the trembling of your muscles, of the leather straps digging into your skin, bruising it.

“Perhaps you were made for a lavish lifestyle, dear,” Wendy had told you once with a teasing smile. “You bruise as easy as a peach.”

A minute passed. Then another.

Through the discomfort, you felt just about proud of yourself.

“Petra is going to try to disrupt your balance now,” Gunther said. Your eyes snapped down to his in alarm. He gave you an encouraging smile, but otherwise disregarded your panic. “Get ready.”

You had no idea what was coming, so you had no idea how to get ready.

The only thing you could do was wait, tense.

You heard Petra moving behind you. Suddenly, she kicked your right foot, sending it flying forward. You gasped, immediately feeling the entire weight of your body surging backwards. You desperately shot your left foot farther back, circling your arms, willing your muscles to comply. The ropes strained as you stilled, panting. Before, you had never managed to master a split, and now, somehow, you were almost doing one in mid-air, strapped to a branch, in front of an audience of four. You grimaced.

The process of returning your legs to their previous position was slow, and painful.

Your thighs quivered. Air seemed scarce. But you did it.

“Well done!” exclaimed Petra.

You exhaled harshly, shooting Gunther an anguished look. To his credit, he did look apologetic, but he still said, “One more and you’re done.”

This time, Petra hooked her ankle around your right foot and pulled it backwards. You readjusted your position, leaning forward slightly, hair falling around your face. However, now you had a fairly good idea of what was coming, so you squeezed your stomach in advance, forcing your legs to stay still despite every single muscle in your body wanting to combust. And, sure enough, after a few moments, Petra let go off you.

You didn’t lose your balance. Your whole body shook with exhaustion as you slowly brought both of your feet down to where they were supposed to be.

Jessie clapped.

Gunther’s smile was genuine now. “You did really, really well.”

“Just get me out of here, please,” you said weakly.

He did just that. Petra squeezed your shoulder.

You unceremoniously flung yourself onto the ground again, your rear protesting, but the rest of your body finally relaxing.

“Not bad,” Levi said.

You blinked in surprise. You didn’t expect any kind of praise from him, so your “Thanks?” came out sounding more like a question.

“You can begin ODM training with me tomorrow,” the Captain said. “The Scouts arrive later today, and they’ll bring the rest of the gear you’ll need.”

Everyone else was already coming? You imagined a hundred soldiers swarming the Headquarters. You were just beginning to get used to the peace and quiet of the abandoned castle and the wide forest that surrounded it. It was strange, to think that you’d be in the midst of soldiers, the best of the best, the bravest people the Walls had to offer.

“And they’ll bring food,” added Petra. All of you were already sick of eating unseasoned game and sour apples.

Levi turned his discerning gaze to Jessie. “Let’s see you, Doctor.”

Jessie made a face.

You felt bad for him. Spasms of pain contorted his face, but he still couldn’t hold his balance for more than a few seconds. He was constantly falling into either Petra or Gunther’s arms.

“Try moving your arms, too, not just your legs,” you suggested, not for the first time.

“I’m trying,” he whimpered as Gunther caught him again. “I’m simply hopeless.”

“You’re not,” you assured him. “You’ll get the hang of it.”

“Not today, apparently,” said Levi. You glared at him – it was like he didn’t know, or care how hard this was – but Jessie merely grinned apologetically. You couldn’t understand why he found the Captain so amusing. “You’ll continue aptitude training for a few more days, then, Doctor.”

“All right, Captain.” Jessie voice was muffled since his face was buried in Gunther’s shoulder. “Sorry, man. I may have dribbled on you a little bit.”

Gunther sighed.

“Disgusting,” muttered Levi.

-

You watched in wonder as hundreds of horses and dozens of carts approached the castle, trailed by a cloud of dust. The rest of the Levi Squad members were also outside, waiting to greet their comrades and friends. Hange, on the other hand, was running to meet them, yelling, “Moblit! Where are you? I have so much to tell you! Moblit!”

Someone tugged on your sleeve. You turned, surprised to find Eren there. “Hey, Eren. Everything all right?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “I just – I wanted to apologize.” He blinked, then quickly added, “Ma’am.”

You chuckled and told him that he could simply call you by your name. “But what are you apologizing for?”

“Your map,” he mumbled, looking down at his shoes. “I ruined it. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, Eren, it’s all right. I brought another map of the Walls with me. Either way, it wasn’t really your fault.”

He looked absolutely crestfallen.

He was so, so young.

You remembered something you had planned to do. “Hey, why don’t you come with me for a second?”

You didn’t miss the way Levi’s eyes followed you as you led a confused Eren to your room.

You dug through your bags. “Are your friends coming?” you asked, throwing some of your clothes out of the way, adding to Eren’s puzzlement.

“I think so. I was just about to go look for them,” he said, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

“Here. Share it with them.” You handed him a bar of chocolate.

His eyes widened. “Chocolate? I haven’t had chocolate - ever, I think!” His expression quickly morphed into suspicion, which you found utterly adorable. “Why are you giving this to me?”

“I just think you deserve it.”

He didn’t look convinced.

You smiled, a little sadly, wondering what this kid had already gone through, and what awaited him yet. He was wary of even the smallest, most meaningless act of kindness. “Really, Eren. I don’t have an ulterior motive, if that’s what you’re thinking. It’s just a bar of chocolate that I stupidly brought with me. I want you to have it.”

He hesitated, then slowly nodded, tucking the chocolate away. He tried to return your smile. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” You waved your hand. “Now, go, meet your friends.”

He ran off. You glanced at your two remaining bars of chocolates, then closed your bag.

-

That evening, as you made your way towards the packed dining hall, you curiously observed all the other Scouts. They were unpacking sacks of lentils, beans and oats, trunks that carried their ODM gear, and bags with whatever little personal belongings they could carry on their backs. Most looked tired from the long journey, but a sense of companionship and trust was palpable amongst their ranks. Quiet jokes were shared, complaints muttered, help offered.

Some teenagers passed by you, led by Eren. You were happy to see the bar of chocolate traveling from hand to hand through their little group, but one brown haired girl was clearly trying to snatch the whole thing for herself. A boy with a shaved head was wrestling with her, screaming, “Sasha, I will kill you if I have to!”

Oh, to be young.

It was hard to spot Jessie in the crowded dining hall, but you eventually saw him at the Levi Squad’s table. You slowly made your way through the army of people. “Excuse me. Sorry. Pardon me.”

You noticed Commander Erwin at one of the tables, engaged in a conversation with an overly-excited Hange. He caught your eye and dipped his chin for a moment. You returned the greeting, then smiled at Hange, who was flailing their arms around wildly. You still wished to talk to them about Titans and their experiments, but you hadn’t had the chance, with your strenuous ODM trainings in the mornings, and working with Jessie and Rae in the afternoons.

“I hate crowds,” you informed Jessie as soon as you reached him.

“Why? Something’s finally happening at this dump of a castle!” Jessie rested his chin on his fist, his dark eyes glinting as he observed everyone with interest. “So much young blood, but also a lot of veterans, it seems. Fascinating.”

You were just glad the Levi Squad had occupied their usual table in the corner, where it was a bit more peaceful. You turned your back to the crowd, sitting next to Oluo, who was in the middle of telling Petra how he wished he could carry more blades on him, so he could kill even more Titans per mission. At the head of the table, a bored-looking Levi was talking to Eld.

The chair next to you creaked. “Hi,” said Rae.

“Not hanging out with your cool Scout friends?” Jessie asked.

“I am,” she said with a small smile, gesturing towards you and him. You chuckled.

Jessie grinned. “Flattery will get you everywhere, my friend.”

You sniffed. “Something smells good.”

Petra leaned over Oluo to say, “If the smell is any indication, we’ll finally have some real food.”

“Made by someone who can actually cook, no less,” added Levi, glancing at Oluo.

Oluo pursed his lips and seemed ready to go on a tangent when the food arrived.

It was a simple, yet amazing potato stew, good enough to rival the ones you’d had in Mitras. Everyone dug in, only stopping to say an occasional “Mmm!” or pass the bread bowl to a waiting hand.

You silently marveled at how at ease you felt at that moment, surrounded by people you barely knew, at least one of whom completely lacked civility and basic manners. For the second time that day, you remembered something Wendy had once said, “Nothing brings people together like a good meal.”

You’d just put your spoon down, comfortably full and content, when someone behind you said, “Am I going fully insane, or was there something in that stew that’s making me hallucinate?”

Memories had a voice, and you knew this one.

Lost somewhere between disbelief and joy, you turned around in your seat. “No way. No way. Victor? Victor Karissi?”

A familiar grin on a slightly older, more mature face, greeted you. “The one and only.”

You laughed and jumped to your feet. “I cannot believe this!”

You had completely forgotten that Victor was a Scout, and that you might see him here.

Truth be told, you had completely forgotten about Victor as a whole. Pleasant memories of younger days came rushing back as you hugged him tightly, having you rise on your toes.

“How long has it been? Ten years?” he asked, pulling back, his hands remaining on your shoulders.

“Exactly ten, I believe.” You shook your head, examining him from head to toe. The warmth of his brown eyes, the crookedness of his grin, all tied together with some unfamiliar facial hair. “You’ve gotten taller!”

He laughed. “Since I was eighteen? I should hope so.”

“I’m not sure about that mustache, though.”

“We see each other again after a decade, and that’s what you choose to comment on? Well, you haven’t changed at all, I'll have you know. How are you here, anyway? You’re not a Scout.” He frowned. “Wait, are you?”

“No, I’m their mapmaker.” You shrugged. “New job.”

Still visibly confused, he nodded. “I see. Well, you’ll need to tell me all about it. Do you want -” He turned his head to the side when one of his comrades called his name. Apparently, his bags were nowhere to be found, and it was urgent. “Ah, shit. I’m sorry, I have to go see what that’s about.”

“Of course. Go. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Definitely.” He gave you one final smile before turning around.

Jessie wiggled his eyebrows as you sat down again. “Now, who was that?”

“An old friend,” you said simply.

You and Victor Karissi had briefly dated when you were teenagers. He had broken his arm on his first Scouting Mission and had to be sent home to his parents to recover. You had met him in a pub, where he was singing the dirtiest, strangest song you ever heard, all while waving his bandaged arm around with utter disregard. You immediately hit it off and spent the next few months practically glued at the hip. He was as lively as a cricket, as restless as a raging river. It never made sense to you, how he fared with the Scouts. You never really talked about that. He wanted a proper break, and you wanted the entertainment he provided. You were new to Mitras, and he unknowingly showed you all of its best parts.

Of course, when he had to return to the military, all healed, you promised each other you would stay in touch. You did, for a while, but life happened, and the letters stopped. There were never any hard feelings on your side, and it was reassuring that he seemed to feel the same.

You were more than glad, and frankly impressed, that he had survived ten years in the Survey Corps. As far as you’ve heard, that didn’t happen often.

Your were brought back to reality when you heard Levi sharply calling your name from the head of the table.

“ODM training tomorrow. Don't forget.”

Chapter Text

“Ready?” Levi asked the second you made the mistake of opening the door.

No. “I think so.” You gestured towards your legs. “I think I’ve put the straps on right. And I picked the boots up last night.”

He nodded. “I’ll put the rest of the gear on you now, so you get used to its weight.”

He placed a dark-brown trunk on the floor, then squatted down to open it. It contained various devices you couldn’t make much sense of. With swift fingers, he buckled some more straps around your shoulders and across your chest, then attached some sort of metal chamber to the small of your back. Next came two large cylinders that hung from your hips.

Immediately, you felt the gear’s weight in your knees and lower back.

You frowned. How were you supposed to fly around with all of this dragging you down?

Levi had his gear on, too, but you assumed he was as used to it as any Scout. “Let’s go. I’ll explain everything when we get there.”

You fought back an eye-roll. You weren’t even sure why you were already irritated, considering he had barely said anything. Perhaps it was just the general atmosphere of gloom that followed him around like a relentless cloud. And you were still not thrilled about the fact that he, out of all the hundreds of Scouts, had to be the one to teach you to use ODM gear. You didn’t know the Captain well, but you assumed that he would be strict, and the lessons long and painful and dull.

You were surprised when he lead you to the stables. “Are we going somewhere far?”

“Not far,” he said as he mounted a horse. He waited for you to do the same.

You rode through the forest in silence, which you didn’t mind. The first rays of sunlight danced between the trees and over your face, causing your eyes to almost flutter closed. The morning air was crisp and cool, washing away your fatigue, and you found yourself enjoying the ride. You couldn’t almost forget that the Captain was right beside you.

Levi pulled the reins of his horse when you reached a small, abandoned village. You both dismounted and walked towards the row of run-down houses, you a few steps behind him, curiously peeking through the smashed windows. Nothing was left behind but an occasional odd piece of furniture, hidden beneath a thick layer of dust.

The Captain handed you the last piece of equipment, two small grips. “Hold them, but don’t press anything.” You carefully wrapped your hands around the grips as he quickly attached them to the harness around your torso. He stepped back, examining his work. “Anything feel too tight, or too loose?”

You shook your head.

“Good. Come here.”

You stepped in front of one of the old houses and looked at Levi expectantly.

“I figure you have a basic idea of how using ODM gear works?” he asked.

“You fire some kind of hook, then fly using the gas in these cylinders?” you said, vaguely remembering something Victor had told you all those years ago.

Levi didn’t look remotely impressed with your explanation, but he said, “Sort of.”

Without warning, he took your hands in his and readjusted your hold on the grips. You watched, silent, as he slipped your index and middle fingers over the two triggers, still not pressing them. He pushed your thumbs to the side of the grips, over two small sliding buttons. “This is how your hands should be positioned at all times.”

He put his right hand over your left. He gently moved your fingers over all the different buttons as he explained what they are used for. “Top trigger fires the wire, which will hook onto the surface of either a building, a tree, or a Titan. Bottom one releases the gas which will send you forward.” He tapped your thumb with his own, positioning it over the small switches on the side of the grip. “These will help you angle the wires before you fire them.” He slid your thumb over the bottom switch. The small grapple launcher on your left hip moved up, then back down. The upper switch made it go right, then left. “When firing your wires, the most important thing is how your hips are positioned, but these switches help.” Lastly, Levi pointed to the longer lever at the front of your grip. “This is for reeling the wire back into the base. You press it, it reels the wire back in. You release it, it stops.” He stepped back. “Got it?”

“I think so,” you muttered. The skin of your hands tingled after his surprisingly gentle demonstrations. You cleared your throat. “So, top trigger, wire. Bottom trigger, gas. Top switch, horizontal. Bottom switch, vertical. Lever, reel.”

“Yes.” Levi nodded towards the three-story house in front of you. “Say you wanted to get to that window on the third floor. How would you do it?”

You slid your thumb over both of the bottom switches on your grips. A low sound indicated that your grapple launchers were facing upwards. Then, you lightly tapped the top trigger, not actually pressing it, and the bottom one. You grabbed the lever which would reel your wire back in.

You looked at him for confirmation.

“Yes, but keep in mind that all of that needs to happen really fast. You fire the wires first, then almost immediately release the compressed gas. You don’t want to press on that trigger too hard, though, because it will send you forward too fast and you will lose control. And not to mention that your gas is limited.”

You were already getting a little overwhelmed and you haven’t even started actually training. “Careful with the bottom trigger, then. Got it.”

“Some more things to keep in mind.” He tapped the wire launcher on your hip. “When you fire both of the wires at the same time, especially when you’re going really fast, the pressure will pull your hips forward. You need to strengthen your core, like you did in aptitude training, or you’ll lose control and slam into something. Out on expeditions, none of us will have time to scrape you off a wall.”

“Don’t let hips go rogue. Noted.”

“You know how to land on your feet, right?” he asked. “When you jump.”

Finally, something that you did know. You remembered what your professors had told you. “You should keep your knees bent and relaxed, and try to land on the balls of your feet.”

He nodded. “Right. So, you’re ready to try.”

It didn’t really sound like a question. You grimaced. “I guess so.”

“Take a few steps back.” He stepped behind you. You were surprised when he put his hands on your waist to readjust your position. “Hips parallel to that house.” The places where his hands had been stayed warm. A strange feeling akin to a red-hot stone rattling through your rib cage made you straighten, confused. “Don’t do anything yet,” he said.

A whirling sound.

You blinked and there he was, jumping through the broken window on the third floor. You forced your mouth to snap shut, but doubt started creeping into your heart. You considered yourself a fairly optimistic person, but if ODM gear made you move that quickly, you were never going to master it. It was impossible. You were going to smash your skull against that wall, leaving nothing of note to even be scraped off.

Levi leaned through the window and pointed to the space right beside the sill. “You are going to aim here.” When you nodded, he continued, “You are going to fire the wires, lightly press on the gas right after that, and when you’re halfway to the wall, you’re going to start to reel your wires back in. Keep your hips back, lift your feet, and try to land on the wall properly, so you don’t break your ankles.”

You swallowed.

The doubt must have shown on your face, because he said, “If it goes wrong, I’ll catch you.”

You didn’t exactly feel reassured. You hoped the Captain’s task was to keep you safe on these trainings, and return you to Headquarters in one piece. Commander Erwin hired you as the Scouts’ one and only mapmaker, meaning that your wellbeing should be considered at least somewhat important. Or maybe you were being delusional as to how valuable an asset you really were.

You felt a little better when Levi swung one leg out from the window and sat on the sill, positioning his hands close to where you would be landing.

“Go whenever you’re ready,” he said. The unexpected kindness of his patient words was quickly ruined when he added, “Don’t stand around all day, though. It’s already getting hot.”

You pressed your lips tightly together. There was no point in stalling. You simply had to trust that he wouldn’t let you slam into a brick wall.

You forced your legs to relax and bent your knees, wobbling in place for a moment, fully aware of how ridiculous you must have looked. You raised your grapple launchers, which marked the end of the easy part. You tried to estimate where the hooks would land. You assumed impaling the Captain would get you court-martialed, so you took one more step to the side.

“Here goes nothing,” you mumbled to yourself.

With a final prayer to a God you didn’t believe in, you fired your hooks and released the compressed gas, making sure not to press on that trigger too hard. Even with how careful you were being, nothing could have prepared you for the actuality of using ODM gear. You were surging forward and upwards before you even had time to process the loud sound your wires made when they hooked into the wall. You desperately grabbed the lever to reel the wires back in, and swung your legs forward.

Less than a second later, your feet were pressed against the brick wall.

Pain shot through your legs, sharp and sudden. You definitely didn’t land properly and your forefeet took some of the blow. There had been no time to panic, no time to think, and now you’d pay the price – your legs spasmed slightly.

But you were there, on the wall, hanging by two wires that hung from your hips, staring at the ground beneath you. With your feet firmly pressed into the stone, you slowly straightened your legs, exhaling softly, both in amazement and in pain.

You looked up to your right, where Levi was sitting on the window. He wore his usual blank expression, neither approving nor impressed.

You didn’t much care. You were plenty proud of yourself.

“You all right?” he asked.

“Yeah.” The straps dug into your thighs as gravity tried to remind you that you couldn’t sit in mid-air for long without facing some painful consequences. “But, what now? How do I get down?”

“You need to release the wires again, slowly. Use the tips of your boots or your hands to push yourself away from the wall as you slide down.”

You carefully inched down, pressing the lever and holding it for the briefest of moments, then letting go again. When your feet finally touched the ground, you zapped your hooks back into place. They flew right past your face, making you flinch.

You craned your neck towards your teacher, who was still perched on the window. “What now?”

“Again.”

-

And again, and again, and again, apparently.

Levi had you flying towards and landing on that damned wall for hours. Each time he would give a slightly different prompt – aim the wires higher, shoot only the left wire and land on your shoulder, step back further and use more gas. By the time the Sun was high up in the sky, you were covered in sweat, and muscles you were unaware of even having ached relentlessly. You vaguely listened to Levi’s instructions and leaped to follow them, just wanting to get it over with already. You thought of lunch, and tea, and every blissful moment in the future where you would be lying in bed, motionless.

With a grunt, you planted your feet on the wall – again. “Captain, how much longer will I have to do this for?” you finally asked, breathless. “I’ve landed on this wall so many times I’m certain I’ve made a dent.”

“Did you think about it?”

“What?”

“The last few times you’ve done it,” he said. He still sat on the window sill, the picture of relaxation and comfort. Like a cat enjoying a warm day, watching the mouse struggle to survive. “Did you actively think about what your hands or legs were doing?”

The point of this painful drill became clear. “No,” you admitted.

“There you have it. Progress.” It was almost funny how indifferent he sounded. He glanced at the sky, then said, “We can take a short break, if you wa -”

You whirled back down onto the ground and rushed to sit in the shade, leaning against the house that served as your training grounds today. Your muscles unclenched, leaving behind the soreness.

Levi dropped next to you with much more grace. After some hesitation, he sat down nearby, but only after carefully examining the spot on the grass to make sure nothing there would permanently damage his trousers.

He surprised you by handing you a flask of water. “Oh. Thank you.” You really should have brought some water yourself. And something to eat. And maybe a towel to wipe the sweat off your face.

Levi took a sip of water from his own flask. You watched him curiously until he coldly snapped, “What?”

“Nothing,” you replied, looking away. Perhaps exhaustion made you audacious. Or, maybe you were trying to take Rae’s advice and extend the hand of friendship to the Captain, whatever that meant. You couldn’t do that unless you actually spoke with him. “I’m just glad you at least drink water like a normal person, Captain.”

You didn’t have to look at him to know that his eyes had narrowed. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You drink tea a little strangely, that’s all.”

“No, I don’t.”

“But, look, you hold the cup like this.” You made a claw out of your hand and pretended to grab a teacup by the rim. “Normal people don’t do that.”

He shook his head and looked away. Silence settled around you once more.

After a while, you asked, “So, am I going to be training around abandoned villages the whole month?”

“No. We’ll start training in the forest in a few days.”

That made sense. It was surely much easier to land on the straight surfaces that these houses provided than to try to aim for a single flimsy branch.

“Ready to continue?” he asked.

“I suppose so.” You stood up, grimacing. You would need to go a lot of stretching later. “What’s next on the agenda?”

He stood in front of that damned wall again. You sighed.

He shot his wires, leaping upwards, and swiftly jumped through the window he’d previously been sitting on. When his head popped back out, he said, “I want you to do that.”

“Do what?”

“What I just did.”

“Fly through the window? I can’t.”

He arched a thin brow. “How do you know? Have you tried?”

“I’ll either break my feet or decapitate myself!”

“You won’t do either,” he said simply. “You'll lift your legs up and duck your head.”

As if it was that easy.

You frowned.

He waited.

There was clearly no getting out of this now. You tried to visualize how you would do this and leave with your head still attached to your shoulders. You took a few steps backwards, assuming that would give you more time to lift your legs. However, hitting your head at such a high speed was your biggest concern.

Again, you needed to blindly trust the Captain, which was unnerving at best.

As you shook your legs out, you saw that Levi had put his arm over the length of the window head. His other hand was resting on the window sill, fingers tapping against it.

Before you could chicken out, your own fingers slid over the buttons, and you shot your wires. When the hooks miraculously passed through the window, you released the compressed gas and grabbed the lever. You were flying through the air faster than before, desperately swinging your legs upwards, as high as you could. But you panicked, watching the window head approach, and you covered your ducked head with your arm.

Fear made you forget about your core and your legs dipped back down, just slightly - but enough.

Levi’s hand shot out to lift your calves upwards.

Half a second later, you were bursting through the window and skidding across the floor, gas canisters dragging through the dust, before coming to a halt, gasping.

The momentary spell of panic subsided, leaving you overwarm. Your ankles screamed in pain, and you felt slightly lightheaded, swaying on your feet. Clutching your knees, you allowed yourself a moment to close your eyes and breathe, deeply, willing your heartrate to slow, reminding your body that you were all right.

You could feel Levi’s eyes on you. To his credit, he didn’t say anything.

This was a lot.

But I did it.

You opened your eyes. Running your fingers through your hair to tame it, you stood up and turned to the Captain. He opened his mouth, but you saved him the trouble. “I’ll go again.”

-

A few more long and painful hours later, when the Captain finally announced that you were done for the day, you could barely sit on your horse without wincing. You couldn’t even name every part of your body that hurt, and you knew that bruises were already forming on your shoulders and thighs. Would you even be able to take off your ODM gear, or would it be permanently stuck to your burning, sweaty skin?

Uncertainty creeped in, as familiar as an old friend. You were in over your head. What were you thinking when you yelled after Commander Erwin on that fateful day? You really were mad. If you couldn’t handle a few hours of training, how would you survive on long expeditions and missions? It was only midday and you felt like you could pass out at any given moment. And medical training still awaited.

Desperately trying to think of something positive, you muttered, mostly to yourself, “Well, at least I didn’t die.”

Levi looked at you over his shoulder. “This was only your first day of training. There’s still time.”

Chapter Text

Victor sniffed. “You smell like - paprika?”

“Jessie had us making some kind of cayenne pepper ointment today. It’s for pain relief.” You ran your fingers through your hair. “It was actually quite interesting, but now I fear that the smell will stay with me forever.”

He chuckled. “What are your colleagues like? You like them?”

“Jessie and Rae are great,” you said honestly. “I couldn’t have picked better people to work with if I tried.”

Victor leaned against an old wooden gate that surrounded the castle. After dinner, he had sought you out and asked if you wanted to have tea together, and you finally properly talked after a decade. You were happy to discover that Victor still had the same ridiculous sense of humor that hid his quiet kindness.

“And have you started ODM training with the Captain?”

You took a sip of tea before answering. “Just today. It was surprisingly fine.” Except for the all-consuming pain in your muscles, but you assumed Victor knew all about that.

What you had worried about most was the Captain himself, but he wasn’t any worse than usual, and you counted that as a win.

Your head snapped up towards Victor when you realized that he was the perfect person to grill about Levi, having been a Scout for ten years. “I have to ask. Why is the Captain so – so –”

Victor watched you struggle, a smirk on his lips. “Yes?”

You finally settled on, “Disagreeable.”

Your old friend laughed. “That’s one way to describe him.” You impatiently waited as Victor took a long gulp of tea, as if purposely leaving you in suspense. “I don’t know much about him, to be honest. He mostly works exclusively with his squad, and sometimes with Section Commander Hange. Erwin often includes him in his scheming.” Victor surveyed your surroundings quickly before adding, “I’ve heard that he was some kind of hoodlum from the Underground.”

Oh? If that was the case, Levi’s interest in your map of the Underground made more sense. “How did he even get out of the Underground, though? And why would he join the Survey Corps?”

“I honestly have no idea.”

You huffed, your curiosity not satisfied at all.

“All I can tell you is to not take anything he says to heart,” Victor said. “He treats everyone the same.”

“Rae told me to try to be his friend.”

“Good luck with that.”

Suddenly eager to steer the conversation away from the Captain, you asked, “And what have you been doing all day?”

“Hunting. Most of us soldiers are on standby right now, so there’s not much to do. We just get asked to do random jobs to help around the castle.”

“As long as you don’t get assigned to do laundry,” you joked, remembering how much he hated doing laundry. Once, he had told you that he didn’t see a point in washing clothes, as one could simply ‘air out whatever smells’. His laughter had echoed throughout the whole street after the horrified look you had given him.

“Exactly.” He placed his empty cup on the ground. “Now, I have something important to ask you.” He seemed so serious you found yourself disregarding your own mug, giving him your full attention. After a long, dramatic pause, he asked, “Can you hold your liquor any better nowadays?”

You laughed, your shoulders relaxing. “Ah, yes, I understand why that would be so incredibly important. And, no, I absolutely cannot.” Even back then, a single glass of whiskey would have you seeing double. Now, it would probably send you to an early grave.

“Lightweight.”

“All right, mustachio.”

-

“How do I not slide to my death?” you asked, raising your voice so that he could hear you.

Levi bent one knee and dropped down into a squat, letting his other foot slide down the slanted roof. He dug his heel into the surface.

“Land like this,” he called down. “Dig your heels in. Your boots will help you.” He stood up and easily jumped onto the chimney. “Holding a position like that on a slanted roof for a long time is practically impossible. I just want you to stay still it for a few seconds.”

“All right,” you said, stepping backwards, trying to measure the distance. You visualized what you needed to do. You would have to aim your wires at the chimney, right under Levi’s feet. “Will my hooks impale you?”

“No,” he said simply.

“I wouldn’t be that confident in my aiming abilities, Captain,” you warned. Commander Erwin would not appreciate you crippling his best soldier.

“I’ll jump out of the way if I need to. Just focus on what you need to do.”

Frowning, you placed one foot in front of the other, bending your knee slightly. You took a deep breath, then swiftly fired your wires, released the compressed gas, and off you went. You pressed the lever to reel your wires back in as you flew through the air, towards Levi.

With a grunt, you landed on your extended leg. You immediately dropped into a squat, pushing your other leg behind you, digging your heel into the old tiles.

You blinked. “This is surprisingly easy,” you said. You completely disregarded the fact that your wires would be holding you in place. Slowly, you relaxed your legs, realizing that you were not going anywhere.

Why would the Captain even ask you to do this, then? There had to be a catch, surely.

“Reel the wires back in completely,” he instructed.

Fighting back a frustrated groan, you asked, “But, why? How would I even get into this position outside the Walls?”

“You could be thrown onto a roof. Abnormals like to play with their food.” The way he said that, as if it was a well-known fact. Perhaps it was, just not to you. “Either way, you need to strengthen your legs. Reel the wires back in,” he repeated.

He crouched down on the chimney, hopefully to be closer to grab you if you started to fall.

You dug your heels into the roof tiles again. You reluctantly pulled your wires back in, feeling them zap into place on your hips.

It was no longer easy. Gravity immediately attempted to pull you towards the ground. Pressing your lips tightly together, you shifted most of your weight onto your crouched foot, unfeasibly trying to stay in such an unnatural position.

The tile underneath your foot cracked.

Levi’s hand shot out towards you straight away. You desperately grabbed it before you lost your footing.

With your hand in his, you carefully stood up, still keeping one leg slightly bent. He offered you his other hand, too, and with his help you managed to slowly walk towards the chimney, then hop onto it.

He extracted his fingers from yours, and you dropped your hands to your sides. You both watched as the tile you had stood on moments ago broke and slid down the roof.

“Phew,” you muttered, if only to fill the silence. Levi stood on the other side of the narrow chimney crown, your chests almost touching. His presence was a little overwhelming. You had nowhere to move, nowhere to go, except – “How do I get down?”

“What do you think?” he asked. He did that a lot, trying to get you to answer your own questions. The tactic wasn’t unfamiliar to you. In fact, most of your college professors had used it.

You thought about it, then said, “Can I simply hook myself onto the roof again, then slowly release the wires and slide down?”

He nodded, so you did just that.

When your feet touched the ground, you looked up and found him following in your footsteps. You moved to give him some space to jump.

You rocked back on your heels, awaiting further instructions. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t say anything, just stalked off. Not having much of a choice, you followed, content to at least stare daggers at his back.

However, you dropped that plan almost immediately since you began to notice the way his muscles moved underneath his shirt, straining against the fabric around his shoulders.

Well, he must be called humanity’s strongest soldier for a reason.

You looked away, chiding yourself for such thoughts. Not only were they wildly inappropriate, but also extremely foolish.

When Levi turned around, his eyes found the same damn chimney you were just standing on.

“I want you to land on that chimney,” he ordered, his face casually expressionless, per usual.

You scanned your surroundings, then frowned. “But there’s nothing taller than the chimney behind it. Where do I aim my hooks?”

“Your grapple launchers can move horizontally, too,” he reminded you.

Understanding instantly set in. On both sides of the chimney were houses. They were all the same height, though, so you would need to use more gas than you had thus far.

First things first, you needed to actually get your hooks into those houses on both sides of the chimney. You felt Levi step away as you readied yourself. You positioned your grapple launchers with care and fired your wires, placing your fingers over the triggers that controlled the compressed gas.

It was immediately clear that your wires were not going where they were supposed to. They flailed through the air wildly, then fell limply, nowhere near the houses you were aiming at.

You titled your head to the side. Both of your wires went more to the left than you wanted them to. You tried to move your hips to the right ever so slightly.

“Wait,” Levi said. He put his hands on your hips briefly, tugging you even more to the right. Your spine locked up, but he quickly stepped away again.

Without hesitation, you shot your wires again. Much more confident in Levi’s aim than your own, you pressed the compressed gas trigger in less than a second. You made sure to release more gas than before, since now you needed both momentum and height.
Swinging upwards, you soared through the air, hair flying behind you.

Through the thick layers of fear and anxiety, a new emotion rose to the surface.

It was exhilarating.

As the chimney drew closer, you forced your tense legs to relax, to make the landing as painless as possible. You dropped into a deep squat, barely managing not to fall into the soot-filled chimney. A bubble of laughter rose up your throat.

You slowly straightened, pleased with yourself, and turned around. “Again?” you yelled.

Even from such a distance, you saw Levi nod.

You looked up towards the sky, sighing.

Chapter Text

Jessie dragged a very confused-looking Eld through the doors of the infirmary.

You and Rae looked up from the herbs you were grinding. The aroma had been pleasant for a while, but soon became overwhelming, and all the windows had to be opened. The sounds of soldiers talking, doing chores and training outside flowed through the little make-shift infirmary.

Jessie slapped Eld on the back. “Eld here volunteered to help you ladies learn how to administer chest compressions!”

“I didn’t exactly volunteer. You saw me finishing up cleaning and practically dragged me over here,” Eld said, lifting a brow.

“You were lucky enough to be the first person I saw,” said Jessie easily. He gestured towards the table. “Please, lay on your back, Mr. Jinn.”

You have Eld an apologetic look as he plopped onto the table. Rae added, “Thank you for doing this.”

Eld just shrugged lightly. You haven’t had a chance to talk to him properly yet. He seemed like a quiet person, only at ease when he was with the other members of the Levi Squad.

Jessie clapped his hands. “All right, listen up, my dear students. What you will learn now is how to administer chest compressions.” He nodded at Rae. “Remember when you told me how some soldiers simply drop dead, seemingly unharmed? That is called cardiac arrest, and what it means is that the heart is not functioning correctly, or not at all.”

“I thought that happens because of fear,” said Eld from his position on the table.

“Fear might be a factor,” explained Jessie. “Fear leads to adrenaline, and adrenaline leads to the heart beating faster. But there’s usually more to it than that, like major blood loss or blunt force trauma to the chest.”

Everyone nodded absentmindedly, even Eld.

“So, if you see someone laying on the ground limply, you first need to check their pulse. If you happen to lose your stethoscope somehow, you can do that here,” he put his fingers on a spot on Eld’s neck. You tried to memorize where the spot was exactly as you hovered over Eld. “Or here.” He tapped Eld’s wrist. “I recommend the neck, but, ultimately, go for the spot that has suffered the least damage.”

“If a person’s heart rate is either nonexistent or just really slow, you should start performing chest compressions right away.” The doctor moved to stand by Eld’s shoulders. “Position the person on their back, then kneel by their shoulders. Place one of your hands here.” He put them on Eld’s chest.

“The focus is on the palm of your hand, that is what you will be using to press down.” He placed his other hand on top of the first one and laced his fingers together. “Your elbows need to be locked so you can use your entire body weight when pressing down.”

“The most important thing is that you really need to push down, hard. You should feel the chest move downwards, at least a few centimeters.” He looked down at his current patient. “Chest compressions aren’t exactly pleasant for a conscious person. I would like to do this once, then ask both of them to do it once, too, so I can see if they press hard enough. Is that all right?”

The soldier nodded, albeit a little reluctantly.

Jessie’s eyes flickered to you and Rae. “Watch carefully, please, so I don’t have to torture Eld too much.”

As he locked his elbows, his shoulders tensed. Then he pressed down onto Eld’s chest, seemingly with a lot of force. Eld grunted in pain as his chest dipped, then bounced back. The doctor immediately pulled his hands away, muttering a sheepish, “Sorry.”

“That’s all right.” Eld’s voice was a little strained. “They need to learn, after all.”

“Like I said, you really need to press down hard. After each push, you need to allow the chest to spring back. This needs to be done for about thirty seconds. On the expedition, all of us will have pocket watches for that purpose.” Jessie smirked, eyeing you and Rae. “It’s your turn to be the torturers of men now.”

Rae looked eager to go first, so you let her. She pushed Eld’s chest downwards and he grimaced again, closing his eyes briefly. Rae muttered a half-hearted apology, then quickly looked up at Jessie, who gave her an approving smile.

When it was your turn, you carefully placed your hands where Jessie showed you. Straightening your arms, you pressed down as hard as you could, feeling Eld’s chest compress under his shirt. You removed your hands and it recoiled.

Eld exhaled, a deep frown on his face.

“I’m sorry, Eld."

He merely nodded, rubbing his chest.

“That was good,” Jessie said. “Let’s move on, then. After administering chest compressions for about thirty seconds, you should move on to rescue breathing. You might have heard this called mouth-to-mouth.” He winked at Eld. “Don’t worry, you won’t be our test subject for this part, Mr. Jinn. I will only explain it and hope that the ladies have kissed enough people to figure it out on the spot.”

You exchanged an unimpressed look with Rae.

Jessie continued his lecture.

Eld intertwined his fingers across his chest, also listening intently.

“Before you do anything, you need to see if there is something in a person’s mouth that might pose a problem. If you see blood or vomit or anything else in their mouth, you need to try to remove it. With their shirt, for example.”

“Or cape,” suggested Eld.

“Or cape. Then, you should tilt the head back, very gently, and lift the chin slightly. Despite what I just said, this is really nothing like kissing. You need to pinch the person’s nose shut and, when you put your mouth on theirs, you need to create a kind of seal, so no air escapes. You breathe into their mouth twice, and you should feel their chest rise slightly. Then, you administer chest compressions again, and repeat.”

He bounced on the heels of his feet. “Any questions so far, students?”

Equally amused and impressed by his lecture, you shook your head.

“Don’t worry, I will probably repeat this a hundred more times before the expedition,” Jessie assured you.

“Wait, I have a question,” said Rae. “What do we do if the lower part of a person’s face is severely injured, or if there’s just too much blood for us to put our mouth on them?”

“You can breathe into their nose,” said Jessie. “Same rules apply – make a seal, don’t let air escape.”

Eld raised a hand. “And if I may add something? Before administering chest compressions or giving mouth-to-mouth or doing anything at all out there, please scan your surroundings for Titans.”

Jessie nodded. “I suppose I should have said that first.”

After that segment, Jessie shooed Eld away, thanking him for his service, and moved on to explaining some of his equipment. He emptied his bag onto one of the tables, and you leaned over the mess of scalpels, stethoscopes and sutures.

-

With a grunt, you dropped down onto the crown of that stupid chimney, which you now considered your worst enemy.

It was difficult to aim for such a narrow landing, and not to mention how much your legs burned from all this squatting. The only thing keeping you focused was the knowledge of how humiliating it would be to fall down a chimney in front of Captain Levi. You slowly straightened, grimacing when your knees popped.

“Again,” called Levi from a nearby rooftop, where he was perched at.

You glared in his general direction. “Is that your favourite word?” You rolled your shoulders back, not waiting for a reply. “Also, I’m starting to think that you might just want to kill me, Captain.”

“I have strict orders against doing that,” he said flatly.

“That makes me feel so much better.” If this was his attempt at a joke, it left a lot to be desired. “Anyway, why do I have to go again? I must have landed on this damn chimney more than a hundred times.”

He opened his mouth to answer, but a clap of thunder cut him off.

You closed your eyes to shield them from the brief, but blinding light.

Thunder?

How?

Turning to where the noise came from, you almost fell down the chimney, again.

A Titan stood before you. The first Titan you’d ever seen.

Compared to the drawings you’d seen before, it looked a little strange, with its long, brown hair and wide jaw. As you didn’t hear any screaming or signs of struggle, and the Titan was just standing there, unmoving, you assumed, “Is that Eren?”

“Yes.” Levi’s voice was laced with anger.

He easily slipped off the roof and you hurried along, constantly turning to look at the Titan, noting its fierce eyes and giant, predator-esque teeth. The Captain mounted his horse and you rushed to do the same, a little unnerved by the fury radiating from him. But then, to your utter excitement, you headed straight towards Eren.

You realized that Eren wasn’t quite as close as he seemed. His Titan form was just huge, at least fifteen meters tall.

Titan-Eren dropped to his knees, and the ground beneath you shuddered, making your horses shake their heads in agitation.

When you reached the clearing where he was, Levi rushed past you. “Don’t get too close,” he ordered.

That was fine with you. You pulled on the reins and stared.

Eren put his hands on the ground, leaning forward, his head close to the ground. His enormous mouth opened, and someone jumped into it.

Excited chatter reached your ears. A stunned smile tugged on your lips. Hange.

Only their boots were visible as they poked around Eren’s mouth, screeching with joy at whatever they’d found in there. Moblit was right by Hange’s side, holding a blade in one hand, and gesturing wildly with the other, his face contorted in panic.

You shook your head to yourself. Madmen.

The Captain reached them and jumped off his horse, proceeding to pull Hange out of Eren’s mouth. You couldn’t hear or even assume what they were talking about. Levi didn’t look happy, but that wasn’t much of a clue.

Slowly, Eren straightened, looking around. The Titan’s striking green eyes landed on you. You flinched, then tried to remind yourself that that was still Eren, a mere boy who had somehow found himself in possession of this terrifying power.

You waved.

Titan-Eren grunted in response.

-

Levi grabbed Hange’s jacket to pull them out of the Titan-boy’s foul-smelling mouth. Eren blinked and closed his mouth with a loud snap. Disgusting.

Hange was covered in spit, grinning like a fool. Levi immediately withdrew his hand, stepping back. For lack of a better option, he wiped his hand on his pants, his lips curling in disgust.

Moblit eyed Hange with concern, as always.

“Levi!” Hange exclaimed, readjusting the glasses on their head. “You are not going to believe this! Eren has –”

Levi got straight to the point. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Well, performing experiments, obviously.” They laughed.

“Here?” When Hange kept blinking at him in confusion, he sighed, reigning in his temper. “Hange, I have told you a thousand times that we would be training in this area.”

“We? Oh, right!” They spotted the mapmaker somewhere behind him and waved joyfully. “You said you would be at that abandoned village for a while, though.”

“We were,” he said, emphasizing every syllable. “The abandoned village which is right there.”

“It isn’t that close!”

“Eren’s transformation almost blinded us.” Levi glared up at Eren, who was glancing around aimlessly, as if on a picnic. “The mapmaker could have been hurt.”

He remembered how she had swayed on that chimney in a hurry to turn around and see what had happened, and how her eyes had widened in wonder. A mirror-image of Hange, almost.

“You were there, Levi,” Hange said simply. “You would have saved her, no matter what happened.”

He hated that line of reasoning. He wasn’t all-powerful.

“And what if Eren lost control and went on a rampage?” he asked, crossing his arms.

“Moblit and I would have handled him!” they exclaimed.

Moblit didn’t look as confident, but he stayed silent.

“Stay out of this area,” Levi ordered, wanting to put an end to this conversation already. “Put Eren on a leash and get him the hell away from here.”

“I didn’t bring my Titan leash,” Hange said with a pout. They raised their hands in defeat. Levi watched in horror as saliva slid down their fingers. “But fine, fine. I’m sorry for interrupting your training.” That wicked grin returned in a matter of seconds, giving Levi whiplash and an instant headache. “I wouldn’t want to be interrupted when I’m with a pretty girl, either.”

He didn’t bother replying.

Hange waved at the mapmaker one more time, then yelled up to the kid, “Come on, Eren! We need to find a different spot to continue our experiments!”

Eren’s only reply was an unintelligent grunt.

“Tsk,” Levi muttered to himself.

He mounted his horse again and went to rejoin the mapmaker. The ground beneath him shook slightly as a result of Eren’s giant footsteps, making his horse nervous. In what he hoped was a soothing matter, he patted its neck, tangling his fingers in its mane.

The mapmaker was practically vibrating with curiosity, an onslaught of questions probably forming in her mind. However, whatever she saw on his face made her hesitate to ask.

A vague feeling of disappointment arose inside of him when she turned away.

He tried to school his features into a more neutral expression, but he was exasperated with Hange and their spineless assistant, and he could still smell Eren’s spit on his hand, and he didn’t have anything to wipe it off properly. Maybe it was better if he kept his mouth shut, after all.

They made their way back to the abandoned village in silence, their horses trotting slowly, occasionally stopping to graze.

She finally asked, “Are we going back to that stupid chimney?”

When he said, “Yes,” her shoulders slumped.

Deciding to answer a question she’d asked before Eren and Hange’s little interlude, he said, “I want you to practice landing on a narrow surface. That’s what you’ll be doing in a forest soon. All you’ll have there are branches, and you need to be able to land on the thinner ones.”

“That makes sense,” she said unenthusiastically.

A beat passed.

Reluctantly, without knowing why, Levi promised, “We’ll do something else tomorrow.”

Chapter Text

“Understand?”

You, in fact, did not understand. Not much Levi had said reached your brain.

You were acutely aware of him standing behind you, his warm hands laced with yours as he described what he wanted you to do for today’s exercise. His fingers gently moved yours over the hand grips, explaining in great detail when to press what. Behind your rigid spine, he then spread your arms to demonstrate some kind of pulling or rowing motion.

Only when he let go did you snap back to reality.

He stepped in front of you. “Do you?”

You blinked. “Do I what?”

“Understand.”

“Oh. Yes.”

You shook your arms out a little, internally reminding yourself that you were not a hormonal teenager, despite the growing evidence suggesting otherwise, but a grown woman, who was here to train to not get eaten by a Titan. Stuck somewhere between embarrassed and mortified, you focused on the task at hand.

You stood in the middle of a desolate street, surrounded by houses somewhat taller than what you dealt with the last couple of days. Before your useless mind went blank, Levi said he wanted you to try long-distance flying. You were supposed to glide through the whole street, which meant you would have to detach and reshoot your wires a few times. That was very much a new and more difficult objective, but you were surprised to find yourself eager to try.

“Don’t get too excited,” he said, drawing your attention again. “You need to stay focused.”

“I will be.”

“I’ll go with you,” he said. You couldn’t remember if he’d said that before.

“Why?”

“Because I want to make sure you don’t plow into the ground.” He grabbed his own grips and readied himself to take off. “Go whenever you’re ready, and I’ll follow.”

Having not really heard his detailed explanation, you guessed you had to improvise, as you could obviously never admit that you weren’t paying attention. You couldn’t even imagine his reaction, but you were certain he wouldn’t want to repeat himself.

You bent your knees slightly. The first part would be easy – fire the wires as far as they could go, zap towards them. Then, you assumed you had to detach the wires and fire them again, all in the matter of seconds so you wouldn’t, as Levi had poetically put it, plow into the ground.

Therefore, you needed height. You aimed your grapple hooks carefully and, with a small exhale, fired your wires as high and as far as they would go. You heard Levi doing the same and, when your feet detached from the ground, so did his. Just about aware of his presence on your right, you focused on reeling your wires back in as you soared through the air, passing between the houses swiftly. Your hips bucked forward, and you pushed them backwards again, almost losing your balance.

“Prepare to detach,” Levi said.

The compressed gas seemed like your best bet and, when your hooks disconnected from the walls, you added more pressure to the trigger that released the gas. Sputtering skyward awkwardly, you hurried to shoot your wires again.

This new angle made you surge downwards in a slightly terrifying arc. Grimacing, you lifted your legs instinctively, even though you were not that close to the ground.

You reached your previous height again and continued to glide relatively smoothly.

A breathless giggle escaped your lips. You couldn’t believe you were actually doing it.

Wanting to gauge Levi’s reaction, you turned to look at him. However, the smallest movement of your hips turning his way made you instantly fly towards him, with no means to stop yourself.

Your shoulder slammed into his.

“Sorry!” you exclaimed.

“It’s fine,” he said. “Just keep going forward. We’re almost to the end of the street.”

You had no idea how to return to your previous position. Leaning to the left should separate you from the Captain, but you were worried that you would slam into the opposite wall, not even giving him enough time to catch you.
Either way, you had a more pressing issue at the moment.

“Detach, again,” said Levi casually, as if you weren’t flying through the air at break-neck speed, practically glued at the hip. “Remember to shoot lower now, so you can land.”

The endpoint of your hooked wires approached. You quickly reeled them back in, releasing more compressed gas to send you safely upwards. Levi expertly slid to his right, so you were no longer bumping into each other. You sent your hooks flying one last time, hearing a satisfying crunch as they attached to the walls.

You swung downwards and this time you really did need to raise your legs. Once you felt confident, you jumped onto the ground, running a few steps to soften your fall.

“That was – wow,” you huffed out. “That was the most fun I’ve had at these bone-breaking trainings.” You looked at the Captain. “I’m sorry I bumped into you, though.”

Bump was an understatement. If he had been anyone else, anyone less strong, you could have sent him hurtling towards the stone wall, and then you’d both need Jessie’s assistance rather quickly.

“It’s fine,” he repeated. “Now you see how much control you need to have over ODM gear.”

You nodded. “I get it. If such a small movement could make me completely stray off course, I really need to be careful out there. There’s just so many things to take into consideration, at all times.”

“There is,” he agreed. “But this is a skill that can be acquired like any other.”

“It’s a fun mix of physics, luck and pain.”

You thought his lips might have twitched upwards slightly, but you couldn’t be sure. “You really love to complain about the most futile matters,” he observed.

You couldn’t help but chuckle. “Honestly, yes. It makes me feel better.”

He shrugged, back to looking bored. “Whatever works. Now, go again.”

After a few hours of doing similar exercises, you were exhausted. And starving.

As you dropped into a deep squat, you closed your eyes for a moment, swaying on your heels. It felt like the world had tilted beneath you.

“What?” Levi snapped. You heard him landing nearby. “What is it?”

Carefully standing up, you opened your eyes. Black dots danced in front of you.

“You all right?” Levi asked sharply.

You nodded. “Can we take a break?”

“Yes.” Still looking at you with a frown, he moved to sit in the shade.

His frown deepened as you jogged off towards the horses. You returned with two flasks, a container, and a bundle of tea towels. Sitting next to Levi, you placed everything between the two of you.

You handed him one of the flasks. “Black tea,” you explained. He reached for it with some hesitation.

Upon opening the small container of strawberries, you immediately threw one into your mouth. Finally, you unwrapped the sandwiches, much to your body’s joy. Not wanting to touch them with dirty hands, you used the tea towels as a barrier as you presented one of the sandwiches to Levi.

He stared at it.

“Did you already have breakfast?” you asked, faltering.

“No.” He carefully took the tea towel from you and placed it on his lap. His eyes returned to yours. “Thank you,” he said quietly. A little strangely.

You waved your hand dismissively and finally bit into your sandwich, sighing. It was by no means perfect – you had stuffed the bread with leftover meat and some sad-looking vegetables that you had managed to find in the kitchen. But at least the bread was freshly made that morning, and anything was better than an empty belly.

“Did you get lightheaded just now?” asked Levi.

You swallowed before answering. “Yeah. I’m just used to having breakfast.”

He sipped his tea. “We can have breakfast before we leave, then. There’s usually someone making food already.”

You nodded. “There were two Scouts making oatmeal when I got there this morning. We don’t have to eat before we start training, though. I don’t want to mess up your schedule or something.” You assumed you had trainings this early because he had more important matters to attend to in the afternoon.

“That would set us back half an hour at most.”

“I can always bring us some good,” you offered. “The Scouts told me I could take as many field rations as I want, but I didn’t know what that was.”

“It’s good that you didn’t take any,” he said. “They taste like shit.”

A smile tugged on your mouth. “No rations, then.”

He glanced at you from the corner of his eye. “You don’t need to bring anything for me.”

“I’m not going to eat in front of you while you starve,” you said, frowning. “It doesn’t really make a difference, anyway, if I’m making one sandwich or two.”

You finished your sandwich just as he dug into his. His expression didn’t change, but he did continue eating. That was something, you supposed. You noticed he hadn’t touched the strawberries, so you pushed the container towards him pointedly. Slumping against the old house behind you, you moved onto the tea, which had gone cold.

A silence, not entirely uncomfortable, settled between the two of you. Somewhere above you, a bird chirped.

“Can I ask you something?” you inquired when he had finished eating.

“Go ahead.”

“How do I send a letter from this place?” The letter you had written to Wendy a few days ago was still sitting in your room, gathering dust.

“You can give it to me, and I’ll pass it onto Erwin. You should know that all correspondence is checked by him personally.”

You hadn’t written anything nasty about the Commander, so you didn’t really mind. “That’s fine.” You felt Levi staring, so you turned your head, trying to examine his expression. He lifted a thin brow, as if he was challenging you, or waiting for you to crack under pressure.

Did he still think you were here to sabotage the Survey Corps in some way?

Fighting back a smirk, you said, “I don’t mind the Commander reading my complaints about your scowling.”

“I do not scowl,” he said, scowling.

You laughed, turning away. “Whatever you say, Captain.”

Levi clicked his tongue, and that marked the end of your first proper conversation.

-

You were the first to arrive to dinner that night. You took a seat at your usual table and rested your cheek on your fist, scanning the dining hall for Hange’s familiar face. Ever since you saw Eren’s Titan form yesterday, you wanted to gain a better understanding of Titans. Besides ODM training and medical training, it would probably be wise to actually learn something about the enemy before leaving the safety of the Walls.

Everyone slowly started to arrive when they began serving dinner. You saw Eren and his friends making their way to a nearby table. He offered you a small, polite smile.

Jessie dropped into the seat opposite you, trailed by Rae. They were in the midst of a heated debate about the Scouts’ green capes and how unfashionable Jessie considered them. Rae looked wildly unimpressed, making you laugh.

You were surprised when the Captain sat next to you, instead of at his usual seat at the head of the table. The rest of the Levi Squad followed suit, and Oluo joined Jessie and Rae’s conversation, defending the green capes with fierce words and harsh gestures. Petra tried to calm him down, but soon gave up.

On the menu tonight was some kind of soup.

Levi wrinkled his nose and reluctantly brought the spoon up to his lips. “This is disgusting,” he announced.

Petra’s spoon stopped half-way to her mouth. “Why?”

“It’s too salty.”

“Isn’t salt good for you?” you asked, reaching for a slice of bread.

Jessie nodded. “It’s essential for your health.”

“It cannot be good for you in this quantity,” Levi concluded, abandoning his spoon.

Hesitantly, you tasted the soup and tried not to let your disgust show. It really did taste like you were eating pure salt. Gunther was dipping the bread into his portion, and you tried his approach, which turned out to be a good idea. At least you would manage to eat something.

“So,” Oluo said, looking at you down his nose. “How is ODM training going?”

“Well, I think it’s going well, but I’m probably not the best judge,” you said.

“Well, Captain?” asked Petra with a smile. “How is our mapmaker doing?”

Quite curious to hear this yourself, you glanced at Levi’s sharp profile.

“She is doing well,” said Levi impassively. After a moment, he added, “For a Mitras brat.”

You rolled your eyes, and Jessie laughed.

“You should be proud,” Rae said kindly. “ODM gear is extremely difficult to master.”

“I can see that. Even these beginning stages are demanding. I can’t even imagine ever reaching your guys’ level.”

“Well, you won’t,” said Oluo pompously. “We’re the best of the best.”

You raised a brow, amused, as Petra sighed, “Humility, Oluo.”

Eld shook his head. “He’s never heard of that.”

“Do you see the appeal of ODM gear now?” Gunther asked.

“I do,” you said honestly, remembering the feeling of soaring through the air, weightless. “Besides the fact that your Captain has me sweating my guts out trying not to die, I do enjoy our trainings. And I’m excited to start training in the forest. I think that’ll be more fun.”

“Trainings aren’t supposed to be fun," Levi piped in.

“With that attitude, they certainly won’t be,” you countered.

He shot you an unimpressed look.

“Speaking of ODM training,” Gunther said, “I think Jessie is ready to join you, Captain. He’s improved a lot these past few days.”

Jessie only smiled sheepishly.

Levi stayed silent for a while, considering. You wondered if he was being dramatic on purpose, wanting to leave you all in suspense. Finally, he said, “I don’t think it’s wise for him to join our trainings. We would have to start from the very beginning again.” His gray eyes slid over to Gunther and Petra. “You two can keep training him.” His tone left no room for discussion.

You felt slightly disappointed that you wouldn’t be training with Jessie, but you also didn’t want to repeat any of the more tedious exercises you’d already covered with the Captain.

Then, just the person you wanted to see walked by. “Section Commander!”

Hange turned around, surprised, then grinned. “Oh, hi!” They took in the sight of everyone’s untouched soup and laughed. “I see dinner went down a storm. Should I even bother sitting down?”

“No,” Levi said flatly.

“Section Commander, I –”

Hange raised a hand to stop you. “Please, call me Hange. We’re colleagues now.”

You smiled, suddenly feeling a little shy. “All right. Hange, I was wondering – I know this is a long shot, as we could only bring so many things with us. But did you, possibly, happen to bring some sort of book about Titans with you?”

A face-splitting smile appeared on their face. “Obviously! I brought nine bags, and three of them are only for books. I can lend you some of my favorites. Or do you want something specific?” You noticed that Eld had put his head in his hands, and Oluo was openly glaring at Hange. “I have some books about Titan anatomy, their behavior and weaknesses, their vocal cords and speech patterns –”

Hange’s energy was contagious, and you found yourself buzzing with curiosity. “Whatever you recommend would be great. And thank you so much, truly.”

Hange promised to bring the books soon and bounced away.

“Did they really bring nine bags?” you asked Levi.

His scowl was answer enough.

Chapter Text

Oluo looked less than impressed as you groped his arm. You were struggling to find all the muscles and bones Jessie had taught you about, and Oluo’s constant complaining and passive-aggressive muttering was not helping. You really wished Jessie had found someone else to be your test subject in the infirmary, but apparently he couldn’t locate anyone else.

You felt around Oluo’s shoulder for a while longer, before finally announcing, “I think I’ve got it.”

Jessie grinned. “Prove it, mapmaker.”

His mop of dark hair hovered above Oluo’s shoulder as you tried to echo everything you had learnt that day.

“Not bad,” Jessie said. “So, we’re out on the battlefield, Titans on our ass, and this man’s shoulder is dislocated. What do you do?”

“I call you?” you suggested lamely. You were already exhausted from training, and now your head was spinning from all this new information. The scholar in you was, frankly, done for the day.

Jessie’s smirk never wavered. “I’m busy. Try again.”

With a sigh, you gently took hold of Oluo’s wrist and moved his arm away from his body until it stood in line with his shoulders. Then, placing your feet firmly on the ground, you tugged on his arm, making sure your movements were steady, but forceful enough. Jessie had said that you would hear a sort of clunk as the shoulder blade slid back into its socket. Finally, you grabbed a piece of cloth and made a simple sling. You wrapped the fabric around Oluo’s arm and attached it around his ‘uninjured’ shoulder.

“Excellent,” Jessie said, slapping you on the back.

You hopped up on the other table, rolling your head back to relieve some of the tension in your muscles.

“For the record, I would never dislocate my shoulder,” Oluo huffed, sitting up.

Jessie stretched his hands above his head and yawned. “Thank you, Mr. Bozado. We appreciate your help.”

Oluo left with the sling still on.

“You guys look drained,” commented Rae. She began to pack up some of the equipment you had used that day, as well as the bottles of pills and medicine you still needed to become proficient in.

“It’s those damn trainings,” said Jessie, throwing his head back with a long-suffering sigh.

“Have you started ODM training?” you asked.

“Yeah, just today. God. Petra and Gunther are probably the loveliest and most patient teachers ever, and I still feel like I’ve been trampled by a horse.”

You grinned. “At least I’m not the only one getting my ass kicked anymore.”

“How’s it going with the Captain?” Rae asked, perching herself on the table next to you.

“Fine.” You shrugged. “We started training in the forest today.”

The training consisted of fairly simple bouts of exercises. Levi had wanted you to land on a bunch of branches that differed in thickness and height. Boring, but not too difficult. When you landed on a particularly small one and managed to not fall, you found yourself suddenly thankful for all of those tedious chimney exercises. You didn’t tell him that, obviously.

Jessie kicked your boot with his own. “But how is it going with him?”

“Fine,” you repeated, a little confused by his eager look. “He’s fine. The trainings are fine.”

Rae raised an inquisitive brow. She glanced towards the closed door of the infirmary before asking, “You two are getting along, then?”

“Being friendly?” Jessie piped in.

You snorted. “Hardly. He barely speaks to me.” You thought about it for a moment, then added, “He’s a good teacher, though. Annoyingly meticulous, absolutely, but because of him, I do feel like I’m slowly getting the hang of this ODM gear business.”

Jessie and Rae exchanged a look.

You crossed your arms, frowning at them. “Why are you two being weird?”

Rae simply looked away, twirling her thumbs, forcing Jessie to answer.

“We’re not,” he said, unsuccessfully trying to hide his smirk. Before you could inquire further, he clapped his hands and changed the subject. “So, are you ever going to properly introduce us to that Victor of yours?”

You had told them about Victor, mostly because Jessie wouldn’t stop asking. He was incredibly disappointed to hear that you haven’t rekindled your romance and were only friends.

“A little military romance never killed nobody!” he had exclaimed, hand poised over his heart in a dramatic gesture.

Rae had frowned. “It absolutely has.”

Now, you said, “Sure. We can all get together for tea after dinner.”

-

You should have known letting Jessie and Victor meet would be a mistake. There was no one to blame but yourself, unfortunately.

Because now, Victor was standing in front of you, fists raised, and Jessie was calling you a coward.

-

A warm, quiet evening befell the Scouts. A rare blessing.

Levi sipped his tea, his arm resting on the back of another vacant chair. He was sitting outside with Erwin and Hange, pleasantly full after dinner, and at peace in their company. They were quietly discussing plans for the upcoming expedition. As it was still more than three weeks away, they were only brainstorming ideas regarding the formation.

The final decision would be Erwin’s, after all, but he had always valued their opinion.

It was already dark, and Levi was planning to take his leave soon. A bath – albeit, a horrendously cold one – was calling his name. Erwin had given him some letters that he needed to respond to, but washing off the day’s bearings was his first priority. And after that, perhaps he would manage to catch a few hours of good sleep. Unlikely, but he was hopeful.

Somewhere behind him, he heard Petra’s familiar voice. “Are they – are they about to fight?”

It was probably Eren and that Jean boy again. If not them, then some other stupid greenhorns who had nothing better to do than brawl in the mud. Levi resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Were the Scouts truly incapable of letting a single day pass by peacefully?

Erwin’s raised eyebrow was what made him turn around.

His eyes landed on the mapmaker.

She dragged her feet, looking displeased. She was walking towards that man – Levi racked his brain for a name. Victor Karissi, was it? They were clearly old friends. Levi had seen them together most nights, laughing and chatting after dinner. He also witnessed their reunion and dramatic hug in the dining room a few days ago, when all the Scouts had arrived.

Victor had his fists raised, a stupid smile on his face as he watched her approach. She, on the other hand, looked less than keen. They exchanged a few words, and then she reluctantly raised her own fists, to Victor’s obvious delight.

Jessie Compson’s whoop sounded, followed by Rae Fairs’ command to zip it.

Levi turned around fully, very curious to see how this would play out.

He observed her fighting stance with interest. She placed one foot behind her, turning her body to the side slightly. To protect her organs. One of her hands was high, in front of her face, and the other was low, tucked near her chest. To protect her face and to offer her a chance at quick, distracting jabs. Lips pressed tightly together, she dipped her chin lower.

She looked a little awkward and was obviously trying to get out of whatever was going on.

With a sigh, she vaguely gestured towards Victor, presumably telling him to start.

He wasted no time. He lunged at her, his fist sliding through the air. It was clear to anyone watching that he didn’t put any actual force behind the attack. His dumb smile was another hint, Levi supposed, utterly unimpressed.

With surprising ease, she dodged his advances, ducking under his first fist, and then stepping to the side. She nimbly danced around him as he attacked, frowning in concentration and –anticipation? Was she waiting for something? Perhaps this would be worth paying attention to.

A tiny smile replaced her frown as Victor kicked at her stomach. She quickly grabbed his boot quickly and pushed him backwards, making him stumble. Releasing his foot, she jumped towards him.

Levi watched as she spun on one foot and made to kick him with the other. She was clearly aiming at his knee, which could actually injure him if she wanted it to. Hange gasped lightly.

At the last second, the mapmaker’s eyes widened, and she quickly raised her foot, delivering a relatively harmless blow to Victor’s thigh.

Before Victor could react, she grabbed him hair by the hair and pushed his face towards an old barrel with all her strength.

Well.

Damn.

Despite her surprising agility and strength, Victor was still a fully-trained soldier, a Scout who had survived ten years in the business. After he overcame his initial shock, he easily pushed her away, sliding his foot behind her ankles to make her topple over. She surged backwards, but he grabbed her hands before she could fall on her ass.

Victor’s laugh boomed through the night and instantly annoyed Levi. Victor tugged on the mapmaker’s hands and pulled her into a short embrace, still grinning like a fool.

The mapmaker blinked as she straightened, looking perplexed. But, to Levi, it was quite clear what had just happened.

Muscle memory.

He certainly hadn’t fought a human in a very long time, but he knew he could still do it, if the need arose.

Did she really learn to fight in her Martial Arts classes at college? Or somewhere else? Her fighting stance embraced protectiveness first and foremost, and her rare attacks had the grit of someone who had been kicked down, but stood back up many a times.

Not for the first time, suspicion clawed at his tired brain, demanding his attention. But he was momentarily distracted by the sheepish smile that appeared on her face when she finally noticed her audience. She quickly dropped down onto the ground, next to Jessie and Rae, who both seemed a little stunned. Victor joined them, laughing merrily.

Levi turned back in his seat.

He knew she was hiding something. Although he was almost positive it had nothing to do with the Scouts, it couldn’t hurt to be wary. Taking precautions was easier than being regretful when you ended up looking stupid, anyway. He didn’t feel the need to grill her again. He would simply keep his eyes and ears opened, as always.

“She seems to be fitting in quite well,” Erwin observed.

Hange nodded. “She’s great. She gets along with everyone.”

“And how is her ODM training going?” asked Erwin, resting his head on his fist.

“Well,” Levi said flatly. The answer clearly didn’t satisfy Erwin. He waited, tapping his fingers on the table, until Levi sighed. “It’s going as well as expected, Eyebrows, considering it’s barely been a week. She’s a hard worker and fast learner. If she keeps it up, she’ll be more than ready for the expedition.”

“I’m glad to hear it. And, if I didn’t know any better, I might just think you’re impressed, Levi.”

“I suppose I am,” he said, finishing his tea in one big gulp. “For a Mitras brat, she’s all right.”

-

The horrific drawing of a Titan stared back at you in mockery. It looked like an ugly child. An ugly child that was 15 meters tall, but still. You tried to imagine yourself standing next to a Titan that huge. Would you even reach its ankles?

The candle beside you flickered as you exhaled. You were sitting in the castle’s abandoned library, slowly making your way through one of Hange’s books. Each page hid its own little horrible surprise, and you found yourself both intrigued and distressed. Maybe you shouldn’t have asked Hange for their tamest read.

“Interesting read?”

Levi appeared in front of you, a candle in one hand and a stack of letters and papers in the other. You weren’t even surprised that you hadn’t heard him come in, as he was apparently a gloomy apparition. At least you didn’t visibly flinch this time. Well, you hoped you didn’t.

Levi’s hair was wet, and droplets of water rushed down his neck, only to disappear into his shirt. In the twisting candlelight, his eyes leaned closer to gray than blue.

“I suppose you could call it that,” you muttered. “Is it true that Titan’s don’t even need to breathe? And can they really be 15 meters tall?”

“There are even taller ones,” he said. “The Colossal Titan was higher than the Walls.”

That pesky little fact had slipped your mind. “That would make it at least, what, 60 meters tall?” You shook your head. “I would be the size of its toe,” you concluded, revolted.

Levi frowned slightly. “Approximately.”

With a sigh, you looked at the dozens of letters in his hand. “You staying busy, too?”

“Always,” he said. He nodded towards the chair next to yours. “You mind?”

Surprised, you moved your books to the side to make some room for him. “Not at all.”

He took a seat next to you and immediately began scribbling something on a fresh roll of paper. After a moment, you returned to your book. You stayed in that empty library for hours that night, illuminated by two candles quickly disappearing, the only sounds being the leafing of pages and sharp movements of a quill against paper.

Chapter Text

These trainings served as a grim reminder that some people actually wanted to be friends with Levi.

He wasn’t blind. He could tell when someone was making an effort to be kind to him. He didn’t understand why, and he usually didn’t care to investigate, let alone reciprocate their politeness.

However, he was struggling to resort to his old tactics with the mapmaker.

It would be easier if she wasn’t so…

The right word wouldn’t come. Likable, perhaps? Persistently kind? Amusing?

Another week of training has passed so swiftly and easily that Levi hardly noticed. The only thing that indicated the passage of time was her admirable progress. They had been training in the woods for the past week, and she had quickly learnt to maneuver around tree trunks and land on branches, all while avoiding getting her gear tangled or damaged.

They had quickly fallen into a routine. She brought them sandwiches and fruit almost every day. This was one of the things that confused Levi the most. She did not need to bring any food for him, as he had clearly told her. Yet, she did. He was still angry at himself for letting her get lightheaded that one time, for putting her at risk unnecessarily. He should have realized that not all people share his ability to not eat for extended periods of time and remain standing.

The few times that she has slept in a little longer, they went to the dining hall and had some oatmeal before leaving. Levi would put the kettle on while they were eating so they could bring some tea with them. Apparently, she shared his love of black tea. Every time he grabbed his cup, he was aware of her amused eyes examining the apparently strange way he held it.

They would then ride out to the same spot in the forest and begin their training. For all her complaining, she did all the exercises he had come up with diligently. She kept insisting that training in the forest was so much more fun, which he couldn’t really understand.

While she didn’t seem to mind silence, she also talked to him often. This didn’t surprise him, as he had already noticed that she was one of those people who seemingly always knew what to say and how to say it. She easily carried the conversation, with everyone, somehow not getting tired of so much socialization.

No, what surprised him was that he wanted to talk to her.

This wasn’t often the case. Most people’s voices irritated him, especially if they wouldn’t ever shut the hell up. What annoyed him even more was having to respond to whatever stupidity people spat at him.

With her, however, it was fairly easy to hold a conversation. So, he did. Sometimes.

There was a change in her, too. She seemed more at ease in his presence, her shoulders fully relaxed. Most noticeably, she stopped randomly glaring at him – which had admittedly amused him.

Strange, indeed.

That was not to say that they still didn’t get on each other’s nerves. They did. Often.

His gaze slid to her now. Her horse was a few steps ahead of his. His eyes followed the length of her leg – he forced them not to linger on the gentle sway of her hips – and the curve of her back before focusing on her face. Her eyes were half-closed, serene, her eyelashes casting a long shadow down her cheeks.

She was beautiful.

It was the simple truth, even though he hated to think about it.

She encouraged her horse towards an apple tree and grabbed two small pieces of fruit from the lower branches.

She looked back at him, extending her hand to offer one of the apples. As he took it, their fingertips brushed.

The mapmaker pulled her horse up besides his.

Suddenly, she sighed dramatically. Levi knew exactly what was coming. “Do we always have to be on horseback?” she asked. “We could walk sometimes, you know. It would be good for our joints.”

“Horseback riding would be a lot easier if you fixed your atrocious posture,” he countered.

She shook her head, muttering, “It’s incredible.”

“What is?”

“You’re a man of few words, yet every single word you utter manages to piss me off.”

An involuntary huff of amusement left his mouth. The sound captured her attention and she glanced at him, a small smile on her face.

She straightened her back.

They arrived at their usual spot and dismounted, leaving their horses to graze.

“What are we doing today, Captain?” the mapmaker asked, putting her hands on her hips.

“We’re going to stimulate a hunt.”

She blinked. “Sorry?”

“So far, we’ve worked on your accuracy, but we need to move onto speed. If Titans are coming after you, especially if they’re Abnormals, you’ll need to get away as quickly as possible. You won’t have time to measure the distance and aim your grapple launchers forever. Over the next few days, I want you to try to get faster at – well, everything.”

She nodded, accepting her new objective immediately. “I see. Well, what am I running away from today, if not Titans? You?”

“Precisely,” he said. She raised a brow, then shrugged. He pointed to one of the branches of a particularly high tree. “Let’s get up there.”

They touched down on the wide branch at the same time.

Levi wasted no time. “Scan your surroundings quickly.”

She looked around, and he looked at her. His gaze dipped to her mouth as she dragged her teeth along her bottom lip.

Catching himself, he hastened to look away, frustrated. What was wrong with him? There she was, making a considerable effort to befriend him, and what was he doing? Staring at her like an unprofessional fool plagued by boyish fantasies.

She said, “All right. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, I suppose.” She grabbed her hand grips, placing her fingers over all the right spots. “All I need to do is to get away from you?”

“Yes. Try not to let me reach you,” he said.

“Will you give me a head start?”

He nodded and stepped aside.

She shot her wires and flew off, the compressed gas carrying her towards a nearby tree. She disappeared into the forest, her hair flailing behind her. He was slightly stressed about her slamming into a tree while moving so quickly for the first time, but he would be right behind her again in a moment. And he had to trust that she could do this. She had to.

He counted to ten and went after her.

-

You loved training in the forest. And you were looking forward to this new challenge.

You did everything you’d done the past week, only slightly faster. You jumped from tree to tree, careful not to slip or get your wires tangled. You made sure not to get too close to the ground, either. The Sun was shining through the web of branches, the air in the forest was pleasantly cool, and you felt good, confidently maneuvering through the trees.

The metallic, slicing sound of another’s wires behind you brought you back to reality. Hurry.

You fired only your right wire and reeled it back in quickly, which made you sharply change directions. For a split second, you panicked, thinking you would surely slam into a tree trunk with no time to swerve. Mercifully, that didn’t happen. You picked up the pace, your fingers constantly, easily moving over the hand grips. Your hooks barely stayed attached for a second before you would pull them back. Occasionally changing directions, you moved deep into the forest.

You could hear Levi behind you, following you tirelessly.

“What happens if you don’t catch me, Captain?” you yelled back jokingly. You leaned to your left, narrowly missing a decapitation. “Will I get some kind of award for beating humanity’s strongest soldier?”

“Don’t get cocky,” he said, much closer than you anticipated. One of his hooks landed right above your head.

Adrenaline pumping through your veins, you shot your wires towards some higher branches, gaining both height and momentum. Your surged through the air. You thought you saw a small clearing somewhere to your right and you headed towards it, changing directions yet again, hoping to lose Levi that way. Realistically, you knew that you could never beat him and that he was probably holding back, but you would be damned if you didn’t try your hardest.

You went on. The only sound in the forest was the sharp sound of your wires zapping through the air.

Huh?

You couldn’t hear Levi anymore.

Briefly, you considered going back, thinking that he was perhaps hurt. But what could have happened to him? You didn’t hear a cry of pain or anything remotely similar.

You didn’t hear anything.

This was some kind of trick. You briefly glanced around you, expecting him to pop out at any given moment. Unease seeped through your limbs.

You kept going until you finally heard a faint rustling of leaves behind you. You pressed the compressed gas trigger and rushed upwards, then turned around in mid-air.

He wasn’t there.

Confused, you turned back around.

You blinked, and Levi was right in front of you.

There was no time to react.

With a yelp, you slammed into him at full speed.

Pain shot through your chest from the impact, and you gasped, clinging onto him, your own hand grips completely forgotten. He grunted in pain, but he wrapped his arms around you instantly, holding you tight. You closed your eyes, your heart beating out of your chest, and let him take care of the rest.

Before you knew it, you were being dropped onto the ground.

You staggered on your feet. Levi rubbed his chest. Both of you were cursing under your breaths.

“– what the actual fuck has to be wrong with someone to not swerve –”

“– Titan-riding creep, coming out of nowhere, fucking ow –”

You glared at each other.

“Why the hell would you do that?” you asked. “Coming out of nowhere like that. You could have warned me!”

“A Titan wouldn’t warn you,” he snapped.

“This was the first time we’ve done an exercise like this! You should have told me what to expect!”

“A Titan wouldn’t –”

“Fuck,” you said loudly, interrupting him. “Fine. Just stop talking for a moment.”

You sat onto the ground. It felt like the air was knocked out of your lungs.

“Watch your mouth. I’m still your superior officer,” he said. There was no bite behind his words, though. After a moment, he grumbled, “Are you all right?”

“Yeah. Are you?”

“Yes.”

With that settled, you continued bickering.

“Why didn't you move out of the way?”

“When, exactly, was I supposed to do that? You appeared right in front of me!”

“That’s because you turned around. You would have flown straight into a Titan’s mouth.”

“Well, good thing I only broke a few ribs, then.”

“A broken rib would hurt much more. Stop being dramatic.”

A frustrated huff.

A pause.

“I think I may have kicked your shin. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Levi said with finality. “And enough of this. Catch your breath and we’ll try again.”

“Yes, sir,” you grumbled, utterly unimpressed.

-

When it was finally time for a break, you handed Levi his sandwich without a word. You knew bruises were already forming on your skin from your collision earlier that morning, and you were certainly not pleased. You hadn’t brought any of your oils and creams from Mitras, which meant you would stay black and blue for a few weeks.

Great. Lovely, in fact.

A similar incident hadn’t occurred for the remainder of your training, thankfully. He caught up with you every single time you tried to get away from him, which was hardly a surprise. But he would only make his presence known and then stop the exercise, beginning anew moments later. Even though this was probably the most interesting exercise you had done yet, you couldn’t wait to sit down and rest for a while.

Levi brought his sandwich up to his lips, then paused. He sniffed it, frowning. “Did you put pickles in here?”

“I did,” you said. “There was no fresh produce in the kitchen, but apparently the Scouts had brought a bunch of pickled vegetables.”

“Disgusting.” You rolled your eyes, ignoring him until he started opening his sandwich to pick the pickles off. “Hey, don’t throw them away. Give them here.”

You hated seeing wasted food. You opened up your own sandwich and he slapped the slices of pickles onto the bread, his nose wrinkled. He wiped his hand on his pants, much too dramatically for your taste.

You dug into your extra-pickled sandwich happily while he rummaged through his bag, looking for the tea. Leaning against a tree trunk, you stretched your aching legs out in front of you.

“I can still taste the pickles,” he stated with a scowl after he took the first bite out of his sandwich.

“You’ll live,” you said flatly. You could practically feel the annoyance radiating off of him. After a while, you asked, “Would I have outrun an Abnormal back then?”

“Probably not,” he said. When you sighed, he added, “You’ll learn to be faster.”

You remembered one of the drawing from Hange’s books. An Abnormal, running on all fours, its mouth twisted in a terrifying grimace. How could you ever think of competing with that and coming out alive?

“Listen,” Levi said. “Ideally, when we’re out there, you’ll stay on the cart the whole time, doing your job and occasionally helping the medics. You won’t need to concern yourself with Titans.”

“How often do things go ideally on your expeditions?” you asked, already knowing the answer.
“Rarely,” he admitted. “Hell, never. But all of us know that both you and Compson aren’t combat ready. Everyone, every single Scout, will be instructed to come to your aid if something happens.”

You didn’t like the sound of that, either. You didn’t want anyone jumping into a Titan’s gullet for you, and you said as much.

Levi shrugged. “It’s in Erwin’s best interest that both you and Compson survive and stay in the Survey Corps as long as possible. We need a capable medic, as well as mapmaker, if we plan to continue exploring the outside world.”

“I thought you said my skills were useless,” you remarked, remembering that awkward first day with the Levi Squad.

“That remains to be seen, I suppose.”

“Don’t worry, Captain. I’ll impress you yet.” Your mapmaking skills were the one thing you weren’t worried about. Of course, the conditions out there would be far from ideal, but you could handle that part, at least. “If I don’t die out there, you’ll be able to witness the best damn map humanity has ever seen.”

“Someone’s confident.” Leaning his head on the tree trunk, he turned to look at you. “You’re so much like Hange, it’s actually concerning.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” you said simply, offering him the container of raspberries.

“It wasn’t. You’re both insufferably arrogant nerds.”

You couldn’t actually believe that the word nerd was in Levi’s vocabulary.

You put your hand to your heart, feigning offence. “You wound me, Captain. And here I was, thinking we were on the path to becoming best friends.”

“Just my luck,” he said sourly, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Best friends, indeed.

Chapter Text

“You know what I’ve noticed? Hardly anything interesting ever happens here. I am dying for some drama.”

You looked up from the mess of bandages, plasters and bottles of distilled alcohol, puzzled with Jessie’s sudden change of topic. He had been explaining how to differentiate between flesh wounds and open wounds, and how to clean and bandage each one, when he suddenly threw his head back with a melodramatic sigh.

Rae shrugged. “We’re on standby. There’s not much to do.”

“You would love Wendy,” you added. “She always has gossip to share.”

“Is that the maid you’ve mentioned before?” You nodded. “Then I hope I survive long enough to meet her. Until then, however, you two will have to entertain me.” His gaze fell on you. “Tell me, is there a special someone in your life?”

You raised a brow at his random question. “No, Jessie, there isn’t.”

“Victor?”

“I told you before, we’re just friends,” you said honestly. You leaned against the table, figuring your medical training would commence after Jessie has exhausted all other topics.

He looked like he wanted to ask you something else, then thought better of it. “What about you, Rae? Anyone you’re smitten with?”

She said, “No,” so swiftly that you turned to look at her, surprised. She avoided eye contact, twirling a roll of bandaging between her fingers, her lips a tight line.

Jessie’s smirk widened. “No?”

“No,” she repeated stubbornly.

He threw his hands in the air. “Oh, come on! You can tell us. We’re friends.”

Despite being curious yourself, you took Rae’s side. “Knock it off, Jessie. It’s none of our business.” You added, “If you’re so bored, why don’t you tell us about your own love life?”

He groaned. “Believe me, I would love to. There’s just nothing to tell.”

“There’s no one here that’s caught your eye?” you asked. Since Jessie was always curiously watching all the other Scouts, you figured he must have found someone to keep him entertained.

“No,” he said sadly, pouting. “I actually haven’t met that many people here yet. Besides the Levi Squad, not a lot of people have been friendly.”

Eyes still firmly trained on the wall of the infirmary, Rae said, “The Scouts don’t usually consider you a part of the team until after your first expedition.”

Jessie rolled his eyes. “You constantly have to prove yourself with these people.”

With Rae so visibly uncomfortable, you wanted to put an end to this conversation straight away. “If you want gossip, ask Oluo. He’s always blabbing about something or other. Now, can we continue with this bandaging business, please?”

That earned an eye-roll from Jessie. “Fine.” He extended his arms dramatically. You and Rae unrolled the bandages and started dressing his arms as if he had hurt them. “A little tighter,” he told you and you pulled on the bandages, setting them more firmly around his forearm. A comfortable silence settled between the three of you as Jessie knocked the heels of his boots together. You grabbed a pin to secure the bandage, then stepped back, admiring your work.

Rae was doing the same thing on Jessie’s other arm. So quietly that you almost didn’t hear, she said, “Adam.”

“What was that?” asked Jessie.

She cleared her throat. “Adam. The name of – the boy I like.”

Before Jessie could say something tactless, you quickly jumped in. “Is he a Scout, too?” She nodded. You didn’t know anyone by the name of Adam, but you hardly paid attention to most of the other Scouts. “What’s he like?”

You almost melted at the sight of the smallest of smiles appearing on your young friend’s face. “Funny. Outgoing. A great soldier.”

“How long have you guys been together?”

Her smile disappeared. “We’re not – it’s not like that.”

“Why not?” Jessie asked, his voice surprisingly gentle. “You don’t know if he feels the same way?”

“I do know,” Rae said quietly. “He’s told me. But we can’t –” Sighing, she looked down. “It’s hard. In this line of work, you lose so many people, so quickly. It’s better not to get attached, to spare yourself some of the pain.”

You turned to her, taken aback by how open she was being. Rae was always so serious, so calm and collected, that it was easy to forget that she was only twenty years old. With all the weight she carried on her shoulders, she seemed much older.

“The Scouts rarely form connections like that,” Rae said. “A few fleeting moments of happiness aren’t worth the pain that comes after you lose your person.”

You didn’t know what to say. It was heart-rending watching someone so young speak so bleakly about the idea of love, even though her reasoning made sense. You put a hand on her shoulder, and Jessie bumped his wrapped-up hand against her leg. She laughed lightly at your pathetic attempts to comfort her.

Suddenly, the door of the infirmary opened, and all three of you flinched.

Captain Levi took in the sight in front of him – Jessie’s bandaged arms, Rae’s teary eyes, the bottles of distilled alcohol and containers of salve on the table.

He refrained from commenting. His eyes landed on you. “Come with me,” he ordered.

Hesitating, you looked at Jessie. You were barely an hour into that day’s medical training.

Jessie waved his arm awkwardly, seeing as he couldn’t bend it. “Go. We’ll fill you in on everything you’ve missed tomorrow.”

“Thanks. I’ll see you guys later.” You shot one last look at Rae, whose smile didn’t reach her eyes, before following the Captain out of the infirmary.

Your own heart was heavy, thoughts racing. A few fleeting moments of happiness aren’t worth the pain that comes after you lose your person. Being a Scout meant giving everything up, apparently. Rae was not only ready to lay her life on the line for the betterment of humanity, but she was also prepared to sacrifice her own personal happiness in the meantime. Was it worth it? What kind of life – no, existence – was that?

Perhaps you were privileged to think in such a way. After all, you’ve been with the Scouts for only a few weeks.

You weren’t sure if you agreed with Rae’s logic, even though you understood it. You wondered what you would do, if you loved someone and knew you could lose them to a horrific death at any given moment.

Levi’s voice sliced through your thoughts. “Was everything all right in there?”

“Yes.” You certainly weren’t planning on passing on any of Rae’s secrets. “What’s going on? Why’d you pull me out of training?”

“We need you to fill in for Miche in the kitchen today,” Levi said as you followed him into the castle and through the dim corridors. “Supposedly, he has a snotty nose or something equally foul. Right now, only two of our new recruits are scheduled to work in the kitchen, and there desperately needs to be an adult supervising those brats.”

You blinked, struggling to process his words. “You want me to cook?” Out of all the things he could have possibly said, you were not expecting this.

He nodded. “You and those two kids.”

“Wait, do teenagers usually cook our dinner?” you asked, distracted by this new piece of information. You realized that you’ve never really thought about that, of who actually prepared the food you ate. You only cared that dinner was served at a usual time and that it was generally good. Maybe you were a Mitras brat, after all.

“There’s a schedule, so most of us will take a turn working in the kitchen,” the Captain explained, sounding bored. “It’s the same for all the chores and patrols. You weren’t supposed to take on any more work since you already have two trainings, but everyone else is busy. And I can’t pull Fairs out of training, since she’s our only medical volunteer.”

“So, everyone cooks at some point? When is it your turn, then?”

“I’ve already been.”

“What? When?”

“When we had that duck soup.”

“Oh. That was delicious.” When your brain finally caught up, you came to a halt, finding yourself right in front of the wide kitchen doors. Levi was overlooking a glaring issue. “Hold on, Captain. I would really love to help and all, but I can’t cook.”

Levi put his hand on your back, pushing you forward. “Figure it out.” That was the only piece of advice he offered. You stumbled as he nudged you through the kitchen doors. As the doors creaked and started slowly closing on him, he said, “Don’t forget how ravenous the Scouts get after a long day’s work, and how unpleasant they become if the dinner is unsatisfactory.”

Your scowl deepened when you detected a hint of humor underneath his impenetrable mask. “You are such an –” The doors closed. “– asshole!”

You hoped he heard that, your much lower rank be damned.

Heaving a sigh, you turned, noting the two kids staring at you with face-splitting grins. So much for first impressions.

The girl had messy hair and cheerful brown eyes, while the guy’s hair was the color of ash, shaved close to his head. You vaguely recognized them, having seen them at Eren’s table before.

You walked over to them, extending your hand and introducing yourself.

“Hi! I’m Sasha Braus,” the girl said gaily. Her grip was surprisingly strong.

“And I’m Connie Springer.” The boy ignored your extended hand, choosing instead to put his hands on the kitchen counter and slide closer to you, wiggling his eyebrows. “I haven’t seen you around here before. Why is that?”

You raised a brow. “How old are you, Connie?”

“Fifteen,” he said with an air of importance.

Sasha rolled her eyes.

“I’m twenty-eight.”

He slid away, grimacing. “Wow. Sorry. In my defense, you look younger.”

“You really are an airhead,” Sasha told him. He repeated the retort back to her, and they immediately began bickering, talking so fast that you could barely make out what they were saying.

A smile tugged on your mouth. As far as cooking-mates went, you were more than happy with these two. After a while, you interrupted their little squabble. “Hey, guys? Dinner’s in a few hours and we should probably get to preparing it.” As they slowly calmed down, you added, “I would appreciate if you could tell me precisely what we need to do. Captain Levi barely explained anything, per usual.”

Connie laughed. “Yeah, that sounds like him.”

Sasha led you over to a long table in the middle of the kitchen. “These are the ingredients available tonight. Somehow, we have to feed the whole Scout Regiment with…this.”

It was a less than impressive spread. A few bags of flour, two containers of butter, onions, potatoes and some fresh meat, mercifully already skinned and cleaned. How this was supposed to feed over a hundred soldiers, you didn’t know.

“Do you guys even know how to cook?” you asked skeptically.

Connie shook his head, watching the raw meat with disgust, but Sasha exclaimed, “I do!”

You weren’t exactly confident in such a young girl’s cooking skills, but if this dinner failed, it was not your fault. It was certainly Levi’s, or even the Commander’s, for not fixing their little schedule mishap earlier. After you decided you could simply not be held responsible, you relaxed.

You put your hands on your hips. “All right, Sasha. What can we make with this?”

She tilted her head to the side, observing all the ingredients carefully. “Well, we could always make a stew.”

That sounded like a great idea to you, but Connie groaned, “We eat stews and soups almost every day! I can’t stand liquid food anymore.”

He was right. After learning that a different group of people cooked every night, you were hardly surprised. Throwing everything in a pot and calling it a stew was probably the easiest option.

As you eyed the flour and butter, an idea struck you. “Hey, could we somehow make pies with these ingredients?”

Sasha’s eyes widened. “Yes! Meat and potato pies!”

Connie clapped his hands. “Great. I love pie.”

“Let’s get started, then,” you said with a smile. “Sasha, tell us what to do, please.”

Sasha instructed you to chop everything up while she made the pie crusts. Connie rummaged through the cabinets until he found the salt.

Having scoured almost the entire forest with Jessie and Rae in an attempt to find as many medicinal herbs as possible, you knew exactly where to send Connie. After half an hour, he returned with an armful of mushrooms and herbs, and even some berries for dessert.

Sasha, surprisingly, knew what she was doing. You barely managed to cut up all the potatoes and onions and she had already finished making over thirty thin pie crusts. Connie – bless him – helped you with chopping up the meat. You both kept gagging, and Sasha kept scolding you for dishonoring good food in such a way.

These kids made excellent company, and you found yourself laughing the afternoon away. They talked relentlessly, which you didn’t mind. When they learned that you were the one who had given Eren the chocolate on their first day at the Headquarters, Sasha practically hurled herself at you, asking you if you had more. You avoided the question by excessively complimenting her cooking skills, and she blushed.

She did almost everything, frying the meat, mushrooms and onions, cooking the potatoes, seasoning everything expertly. She only let you help when it came time to assemble the pies. Connie wanted to decorate one with a particularly inappropriate design, but you persuaded him not to, convincing him that Captain Levi would surely know it was him.

You clumsily decorated a few pies with something that vaguely resembled the Scouts’ insignia, the Wings of Freedom. Both of the kids loved your idea. Connie instantly began to copy you, starting another loving argument with Sasha.

The rest of the Scouts started flooding into the dining hall as dinner time approached. You dug through the half-empty cabinets until you found a stack of kitchen rags. Connie went to distribute the plates and cutlery while you and Sasha carefully took the pies out of the oven. They looked incredible, the crusts flaky and golden, the filling oozing out the sides.

“Sasha, you truly outdid yourself,” you said, grinning. “This might be the best dinner we’ve had yet. And I’m not just saying that because I helped prepare it.”

When Sasha didn’t respond, you looked over at her. She was staring at the pies, her mouth watering, eyes glazed over.

When Connie returned, each of you grabbed a pie carefully, using the rags so as not to burn your hands.

“Can we serve our friends first?” Connie asked, bouncing on his feet.

It took you a moment to realize that he was asking you. “Do whatever you want. I’m not your superior officer.”

They ran out the door, already yelling.

You wanted to serve your friends first, too.

Pie in hand, you made your way towards the Levi Squad. You bit back a laugh as you glanced down at your pie. You picked out the prettiest one, but it still looked like a toddler had decorated it.

You cleared your throat as you approached your usual table. “Anyone hungry?” All eyes went to you as you placed the pie in the middle of the table and stepped back, gauging their reaction.

It was hard to miss the almost-insignia.

“Oh, my God.” Petra covered her mouth with her hands.

Jessie burst out laughing. “That’s incredible!”

“That might be the best thing I’ve ever seen,” Eld said.

Even Oluo was grinning, not a pompous remark in sight.

Over your shoulder, you said, “Save me a slice, please.”

Laughing quietly, you went to distribute all the other pies. Soon, the whole dining hall was hooting with laughter. You wished you had been the one to serve Commander Erwin, curious to see his reaction, but Connie got to his table before you. However, you did hear Hange scream in delight at some point. When someone tried to compliment you on your cooking, you redirected them to Sasha, who was a blushing mess before she even sat down to eat.

When you finally returned to your own table, out of breath, a slice of pie was waiting for you. Nobody had started eating. “You guys didn’t have to wait for me,” you said, taking a seat next to Levi. He had developed a curious habit of sitting between you and Gunther, instead of at the head of the table. Oluo had more than happily filled that spot, puffing out his chest.

“Of course we did,” Jessie said, still laughing. “You’re the woman of the hour!”

“Actually, that would be Sasha. She did almost everything. However, I did decorate this one.”

“We figured,” giggled Petra. “You looked so proud when you carried it over.”

“It was a shame to cut into,” added Rae.

“But, after a long day’s work, us Scouts have to eat,” drawled Oluo. You choked back a laugh. “Now that we’re all here, can we finally eat this thing?”

Eagerly, you dug into your slice. It was delicious, the crust crispy, the filling rich, somehow even better than you had imagined. A hum of approval went through the table as forks clinked against plates. You heard even more praise coming Sasha’s way as people started chomping down on the pies.

After a few bites, you turned to Levi. “Well, Captain? Is the dinner satisfactory, or should I expect these Scouts to become unpleasant soon?”

He chewed slowly before answering. You wondered if he was making a dramatic pause just to irk you. “It could certainly be worse,” he said eventually. Of course. That was as much of a compliment as you were going to get.

The fact that he had almost cleared his plate already spoke a different story.

“I’ll take it. Beggars can’t be choosers, after all.” You wanted to make a whole show of sighing sadly, but you couldn’t hold back your smile anymore.

Levi glanced over at you. His chin was resting on his palm, his folded fingers covering his mouth. You couldn’t see if he was smiling, but his eyes were bright with amusement.

You’d take it.

Chapter Text

Hot running water was something you really, really missed.

Even though Jessie insisted that cold water helped soothe sore muscles, you couldn’t quite believe that. After your bath, not only were you still sore, but now your teeth were chattering loudly. Quickly grabbing a towel and wrapping it around you, you retreated back to your humble room. You put some fresh clothes on and sat on your bed, stretching your aching legs out.

You thought about what you wanted to do tonight.

Hange’s books were neatly stacked on your small bedside table. You were slowly making your way through them, determined to learn as much as possible before the expedition. It would probably be wise to read, then. To be productive.

Or you could go find Victor and grab a cup of tea with him. You could invite Jessie and Rae, as well.

But, for some reason, you didn’t feel like interacting with anyone tonight. Perhaps Levi’s antisocial ways were rubbing off on you.

Thinking about the Captain made you remember something that he’d asked you to do on your very first night at the Headquarters. He wanted a drawing of the man that commissioned an Underground map all those years ago.

How could you have forgotten about that? To be fair, Levi hadn’t mentioned it again. You were sure that he would have no problem rudely reminding you if this man’s identity was truly so important.

Perhaps you should still draw it, or at least ask Levi if he still needed you to.

You knew Levi had started warming up to you – well, as much as that man could warm up to anyone, you supposed. Claiming that he was friendly would be an exaggeration, but you noticed a subtle change in him. He could actually hold a conversation with you now, instead of just blandly answering your questions or offering unhelpful insults. That was something.

The bar was painfully, pathetically low. Maybe you were grasping at straws.

Or perhaps the change had happened in you, not in him. You felt much more at ease in his presence now, compared to those first few unpleasant days with the Scouts. The occasional silence between you was companiable now, instead of awkward and tense. Somewhere along the way, he became slightly less aggravating and much more amusing, intriguing, amicable.

You sighed. There was no need to complicate this further.

You would ask him if he still needed the drawing.

Grabbing some paper and a dip pen, you started the long trek up the hundreds of stairs that would lead you to his room. Cursing him inwardly for choosing to stay on the highest floor, you knocked on his door. “Captain?” No response. “It’s me. Do you have a minute?”

You shuffled your feet, waiting. You couldn’t hear anything behind the door. He was either ignoring you purposefully, or he wasn’t in his room at all.

Choosing to believe it was the latter, you considered searching for him in the dining hall or at the tables outside the castle. But that would mean going down all those stairs again, perhaps fruitlessly.

You went into the room next to his, the old library that you liked so much. He would have to pass by it when he returned to his room, and by then you might be able to finish the drawing. A token of goodwill. You lit some of the abandoned candles on the table and conjured up the face of that man from the Underground, your first buyer. You got to drawing.

-

Levi trusted Erwin implicitly, and Erwin rarely let him down.

But this wasn’t sitting right with him.

He carefully looked over the beginnings of the long-range scouting formation plan Erwin had drawn up. His drawing skills were less than impressive, but Levi got the point. All he really needed to know was where everyone would be.

He glanced at the tiny box that had the word medics scrabbled on it. They were to be positioned smack in the middle of the formation, where any of the Scouts could easily find them should they need medical attention. Not a bad position. One of the safest in the formation, actually. Which was important, considering only Fairs had any experience with Titans.

With a sigh, Levi tipped his head back, finishing another glass of whiskey. It burned his throat as it went down.

“More?” asked Hange, their words slightly slurred.

Levi held out his glass and Hange refilled it, again.

His squad would be positioned in the center rear, behind the medics, flanked by other small groups. “Erwin, you understand that I can’t do jack shit from this position, right?” Levi asked, probably not for first time, although he couldn’t be sure. A pleasant, calming fog was beginning to cloud his mind.

Erwin didn’t bother to look up from his own glass. “I’m well aware. Your primary concern in Eren. We – you – need to keep him safe. And there is no safer position than the center rear.”

Levi’s lips curled in disgust. “I’m to be a mere babysitter?”

“You know how important Eren is, Levi. Don’t be difficult, please.” Erwin reached for the bottle of whiskey, his face somehow both serious and relaxed, slack from the alcohol.

“Since you said please,” Levi muttered, wanting very much to be difficult.

Hange rested their head on the table. “We need to inform everyone of the plan in the next few days. Give your seal of approval already, Levi, damn.” Their hiccup turned into a burp. “Drinking tonight was not a good idea,” Hange announced, raising a finger in the air.

“You were the one who brought the whiskey,” Levi reminded them.

“You didn’t have to drink,” Hange retorted.

He knew that. And he shouldn’t have, especially not in this quantity. Alcohol usually didn’t affect him much, but tonight he went overboard. The evening had started pleasantly enough, with the three of them gingerly sipping on the whiskey Hange brought in one of their many, many travel bags. But as the conversation turned more serious, they started constantly refilling their glasses as a way to distract themselves from the grim task at hand.

The long-range scouting formation directly implied who was more valuable than who. Who needed to live, and who was dispensable.

Levi looked at the paper in his hand again. He scanned the names of the new recruits, Eren’s band of brats, carefully analyzing their positions and how much danger they would all be in. The newbies would mostly be charged with communication relay, but some of their positions seemed less than ideal. “These kids are going to drop like flies, Erwin.”

All Erwin said was, “They’re soldiers now.”

Levi pressed his lips tightly together. These kids didn’t deserve to be sentenced to death just because they were foolish enough to choose to be Scouts. Levi had to trust that the veterans they would be grouped up with would manage to save them if the formation broke. If Eren heard that one of his friends had been eaten by a Titan, he could transform and go berserk, instantly becoming a threat. The boy seemed fiercely loyal, but in a way that was dangerous.

He threw the plans onto the table in front of his Commander. “You have my approval, Erwin. Not that you ever truly needed it.”

“I value your opinion,” Erwin said.

“And I trust you,” Levi said simply, genuinely. “If you think this is the best course of action, I’m with you.”

Downing the last of his whiskey, he slammed the glass onto the table. As he stood up, the ground beneath him tilted slightly. Hange blindly reached to steady him. He allowed them to hold his arm for a moment, secretly grateful for the help, while he inhaled deeply though his nose. Then he stepped back, wished them a good night and left Erwin’s room. He’d had enough for today. All he wanted now was so sleep his dizziness away.

He was glad that he didn’t run into anyone in the corridors. Hange had once told him that he never looked drunk, even when he was plastered, but he would still prefer it if none of his subordinates smelled the whiskey on his breath. Mint leaves and a salt paste. That was what he needed.

“Captain!”

Blinking, Levi froze. Then he slowly backtracked, peaking into the doorless room next to his.

The mapmaker was there, surrounded by candles, a piece of paper in front of her.

He leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms. “Writing more letters about my scowling?”

“Not right now, no,” she said light-heartedly. “I already wrote one this week. It was quite poetic, actually. I compared your scowl to Eren’s transformation, since both are thunderous and give me the heebie jeebies.” Tapping her chin with her finger, she thoughtfully added, “I hope the Commander enjoyed reading that. He seems like he would enjoy a metaphor or two.”

Somewhere deep inside of himself, Levi laughed at the fact that she said heebie jeebies.

He asked, “You waiting for someone?” It was quite late.

“I am, actually.”

She smiled at him.

For some reason, it felt like a punch in the gut.

Levi observed her, which had become a bothersome habit of his. She twirled a pen between her fingers, then used it to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. Some of the hair falling around her face was wet, as though she had recently washed it. A droplet of water rushed down her neck, disappearing into her collar and out of sight.

Levi felt strange, like a broken, loaded gun.

The candlelight twisted in unnatural ways, making his head swim.

A wave of anger, which he would only later come to realize was utterly irrational, washed over him. Right now, nothing made sense. Why would this woman even join the Scouts in the first place? Was this some sort of self-serving fantasy of hers, playing a soldier, changing the world? Why was she kind to him, when he so clearly didn’t deserve it?

And why would she never fucking leave his thoughts?

Even through the haze that had formed in his mind, Levi easily pulled the words out, the most unseemly implication he could think of. It seemed that he still very, very much wanted to be difficult.

“Is it that Karissi guy? Or maybe Compson? Bear in mind that this room doesn’t have a door.” He shrugged with a practiced façade of indifference. “Maybe you prefer it that way.”

A small crease formed between her eyebrows. “What? I –”

“You best not forget that this is a common room, too. Treat it as such.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“I just don’t want to see any bodily fluids anywhere.”

At last, she realized what he was implying. Her mouth fell open. “What the f –”

He kept his voice casual. “It’s a simple order. You get a common room dirty, you clean up afterwards.”

She pushed her chair back with a horrendous screech that he felt behind his eyelids. Glaring at him with disgust, she stalked towards him. He was just about to add insult to injury and remind her where she could find the cleaning supplies, when she stopped right in front of him, bringing her face close to his. Their noses were almost touching.

Levi went as still as stone, not daring to move a muscle as he looked up at her.

“Don’t you dare ever ask me for respect again, Levi,” she spat, her eyes flashing with anger.

His breath hitched in his throat. Levi.

She called him by his name. For the first time.

The smell of lavender, delicate and sweet, suddenly overwhelmed his senses, making him dizzy with despair, fury, desire. He got a lungful of it, greedily inhaling through his nose, fighting the urge to lean forward. Another droplet of water slid down her jaw, slowly, taunting him.

Warmth crept up the back of his neck.

He realized that it was his turn to speak, but he wasn’t ready. He was desperate, desperate to regain some semblance of control, to hone himself back into the shape of a Captain. “Get out of my face,” he said with immense difficulty, and his voice sounded strange even to him.

I didn’t mean it. I’m drunk. I’m sorry.

“Get out of my way,” she snapped, pushing past him, brushing against his shoulder.

Levi listened to the sound of her footsteps disappearing for a moment before closing his eyes. Exhaling shakily, he gave the world a moment to still, then promptly turned on his heel and went to his room. He made sure to slam the door as loudly as possible, hoping to wake half of this damn castle.

Next to his bed was a bucket of cold water. He kneeled next to it and splashed his face. However, the effects of the whiskey had somewhat dimmed. Nothing sobered you up like being a piece of shit.

He was well aware that he had crossed a line. As curt and cross as he was with everyone, he never, ever made malicious remarks like these, those that aimed to truly embarrass someone.

He had no right. He had no right to say such things to her. Worst of all, he didn’t even know why he’d done it. What had made him so angry? Was it truly just the alcohol?

He cursed Hange and their whiskey, Erwin and his plans, himself and his stupid mouth.

Heaving a sigh, he sat on the edge of his bed. An apology needed to be made, ideally right away. But he couldn’t face her, not yet. The thought of being in her proximity again so soon made his stomach lurch.

Suddenly, his whiskey-logged mind conjured up a picture, a memory. The mapmaker jumping to her feet, a huge smile on her face, and hugging that Karissi guy. In the privacy of his room, Levi rolled his eyes, truly exasperated with his own brain. But then the picture changed and, instead of Karissi, she was reaching out to hug him, wrapping her arms around him. Her smile was pressed into his cheek.

Levi froze once again, confused. He was not someone who hugged, ever, knowing how rarely most people washed themselves. But he envisioned himself embracing her, holding her tight against his chest, feeling her warm breath on his neck. He'd already experienced that in a way, when she flew into him at one of their trainings, but he was a little preoccupied with saving them both from a horrible crash to notice how she felt against him. But, of course, his useless brain deduced that hugging her would probably be nice. A comforting warmth wrapping around him, adorned with her usual quiet laugh tickling his ear.

He never should have entertained the thought, because now an onslaught of images flooded his brain, each worse than the last, and he was powerless to stop them. An image of her lips gently brushing against his. Her hands sliding into his hair, tugging on it. His fingers digging into her bare thighs, his head between them. Her weight on top of his naked body, breaths mingling, hands curious, sounds of pleasure rolling in the air, the smell of lavender lingering.

Stop that.

He harshly pressed his fists into his eye sockets, frustrated, in more ways than one. He pushed these foolish thoughts far, far away. Since when was he a pathetic, hormonal teenager?

As his anger slowly subsided, mortification came to take its place.

He hung his head in shame. He had no right. He had no right to think of her in such an unprofessional, ridiculous way. She was his colleague, his comrade, and she could have been his friend if he wasn’t such an idiot.

He would try to fix this tomorrow.

Right now, he desperately needed a bath.

For once, he was glad that all he had available was freezing cold water.

-

Asshole.

Asshole.

You didn’t know where his obscene words had come from, and why he had directed them at you. The whiskey on his breath was indication enough, but you didn’t care to excuse him.

Clutching the drawing in your hand, you ran into your room and kicked your door shut. At the last second, you grabbed it before it slammed. Angry tears burning in your eyes, you closed it with a quiet click.

Chapter Text

A splitting headache was what woke Levi up. His mouth tasted like shit.

He quickly positioned himself above a bucket he had placed by his bed the night before, but, thankfully, he didn’t need to vomit. With staggering reluctance and a heavy sigh, he pushed himself off the bed, padded over to the table where a glass of water and a few mint leaves awaited. He chewed on the mint leaves and swished a sip of water around his mouth before spitting it out. The rest of the water he drank, greedily.

It wasn’t enough. Some strong, black tea might do the trick, but there was no time for that.

He didn’t need to remember last night’s events. They never left his mind, even as he slept.

Grateful that he had at least woken up on time – the sky was still mostly dark, the smallest slashes of yellow and orange on the horizon – Levi got dressed, snapping his ODM harness on with expert fingers. Ignoring the dull pain behind his eyes, he rushed downstairs, straight to her room.

Before he even thought of what he would say, he found himself knocking on her door. No reply, as he expected. Sighing, he reminded himself that this was all his fault. “It’s me,” he rasped, finding his voice with some difficulty. Clearing his throat, he tried again, “Are you ready for training?”

He couldn’t hear a single sound behind the closed door. “If you need more time, just say so.”

Bringing his ear closer to the door, he listened carefully. Nothing. He called her name. “Are you in there?” His mind had no problem imagining an abundance of worst-case scenarios that would lead to this kind of utter silence, and he snapped, “I’m coming in, all right?”

He cracked the door open, his gaze firmly fixed on the floor, in case she wasn’t dressed or something. Ever so slowly, he lifted his eyes to her bed, which was empty and neatly made. The bathroom door was open – she wasn’t there, either.

Her ODM trunk laid on the floor. Levi opened it with one finger, finding her gear gone.

When he went to the stables and found a horse missing, his suspicions were confirmed.

He wasn’t sure if he was surprised that, even when she was angry with him, she would still go train, albeit alone. Levi couldn’t figure her out for the life of him. And he tried, constantly.

The oncoming brightness of the day was searing. He rode to their usual training spot, where he easily located her horse. He dismounted and stopped once more, listening. Sure enough, there they were, the faint slicing sounds of metal wires, the puff of the compressed gas. He slid his hands into his own grips and waited for her to appear, the initial relief of discovering that she was all right replaced with apprehension of having to face her soon. You’ve dug your own grave.

Bursting through the treetops, she came into view, splitting the wind in an effortless, truly impressive way. She lifted herself up, high into the sky, and drew back her wires. For a moment, she let herself fall. He tensed, but in less than a second she shot her wires again and swung around a tree in a wide arc. She landed on one of the branches with a decorative spin that she’d seen him do countless times. Even from the ground, he could see her smiling with pride.

Her smile disappeared as soon as he fired his own fires, landing next to her.

Levi stupidly started with a, “Hey,” and a, “What are you doing?”

Inwardly, he grimaced, finding the air between them tense and heavy, suffocating. And he resented himself because all he wanted to do was step closer, to see if he could still smell the lavender on her skin.

She scarcely spared him a glance. “Training,” she said curtly, and he cursed himself for even asking.

“You’re supposed to be training with me,” he reminded her, if only as a means to delay the inevitable apology he needed to deliver. “You could have gotten hurt.”

“I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine.” She slid her fingers over her hands grips and turned away, preparing to take off.

“Wait.” His hand shot out and grabbed her wrist.

Her entire body went rigid. Levi immediately let go, stepping away, guilt and shame and annoyance, aimed at no one but himself, swirling inside of him. He wanted to slam his head into a tree.

She turned to him, her gaze cold and hard, and he almost stepped back again. She raised a brow, waiting.

His tongue felt unnaturally heavy in his mouth. Meeting her eyes was difficult, but he forced himself to do so, fighting through his discomfort.

“I’m sorry,” he said. It wasn’t as though he enjoyed apologizing - who did? – but he understood that it was necessary, and that he was very much in the wrong. He wanted to make this right. “About last night. What I said was unprofessional and really fucking stupid.”

Forgive me.

She continued to watch him, expression guarded, lips pressed in a thin line. Being examined like that was horrible, and he had to resist the urge to shuffle his feet.

When it became apparent that she wouldn’t answer, he reluctantly admitted, “I had been drinking.”

She snorted. “I know. Your breath reeked.”

The smallest spark of irritation flickered inside of his aching skull, but he forced it away. This is all your fault. But he didn’t know what else to say, so he waited for her to say something. Almost begged her to.

With a sigh, she crossed her arms and looked to the side. “Look, I don’t really care what you think about me. But on that first day at the Headquarters, you asked me to show you some respect. Even if I’m your subordinate, I expected you to respect me, too. What you insinuated –”

“I didn’t mean anything I said last night. I just explained –”

“There’s nothing to explain.” A bitter smile appeared on her beautiful face. “You were drinking, you were angry, and I was the first person you found to take your anger out on.”

He wasn’t necessarily sure if that was what had happened. He simply didn’t know, which further added to his frustration. “I’m sorry,” he repeated ineptly.

Her shoulders curled inwards. She seemed to grow less upset and more weary. “I really don’t feel like talking to you right now,” she said. The edge disappeared from her voice, and now she sounded distant. Small. Levi would have preferred a screaming match. “Or training with you. Can you just – give me some space? Today, at least.”

For a moment, he thought he saw a film of tears coating her eyes, but she looked down before he could be sure. If he thought he couldn’t possibly feel worse, he was sorely mistaken. The urge to slam his head against a tree trunk returned at full force.

“All right.” If space was what she wanted, he would give it to her. It was the very least he could do. He didn’t exactly feel comfortable letting her train by herself, but he would.

She nodded towards the ground. “Go nurse your headache.” She parted her lips, then closed them again. After a moment of hesitation, she grumbled, some annoyance creeping back into her tone, “There’s water in my bag.”

Levi shook his head to himself, endlessly confused and indignant. He almost snapped at her, wanting to order her to stop offering him nice things that he so clearly didn’t deserve. He wouldn’t touch her water. “Call me if you need me,” he said lastly, knowing she wouldn’t.

Without another word, she fired her wires and disappeared into the trees, leaving Levi with a headache and a hollowed-out chest. He dropped to the ground in a long swoop, then sat in the shade, leaning against a tree.

He spent the next three hours stewing in his own misery.

The mapmaker would occasionally come into view, swinging between the trees swiftly, nothing but easy confidence in her frame. When he couldn’t see her, he would strain his ears. Besides the sounds of her ODM gear, he would sometimes hear a grunt if she landed badly, or a gasp if a sudden movement left her breathless. He would flinch each time, but then the sound of shuffling leaves would follow, letting him know that she was all right and continuing with her dash through the forest.

It was only somewhat surprising, how much this whole affair bothered him. For he knew, even though he hated to admit, that he had grown used to her. Her easy presence, insistent complaints and ridiculous jokes had quickly become a morning routine he didn’t mind. At all.

Unfortunately, he remembered how the ground had tilted beneath him when she stood close to him last night, how lovely he had found her eyes even when they were blazing with anger. Today, with a clear mind, it was much easier for Levi to shove these thoughts into the far back of his consciousness, where he stored them under lock and key. He had no time for such absurdities right now. He would deal with them some other time. Or not. It didn’t matter.

He wasn’t sure how to fix things. What could he do but apologize? That had produced less than desirable results and only left him with an unexplainable ache in his chest, a horrible blend of unease and something he couldn’t quite name.

Perhaps he should simply let this play out and, with time, the dust would settle.

Much earlier than he would have ever finished training, she dropped to the ground, announced, “I’m done,” and mounted her horse straight away. They rode back to Headquarters in silence, with Levi gritting his teeth, and her seemingly completely unconcerned.

-

You looked up from the foot poised in front of your face when a knock sounded.

“Come in!” Jessie yelled.

Victor sauntered into the infirmary with a young woman, her arm thrown over his shoulder. They both paused, their eyes widening.

Your little group of medics was surely a sight to behold. Jessie was laying on the table, and you were holding one of his feet in the air, groping his ankle and trying to feel the difference between his tibia and the bone beneath it, while Rae held a reflex hammer below his other kneecap, her face showing nothing but pure concentration.

“Uh, are we interrupting something?” asked Victor, stuck somewhere between amusement and concern.

“Nothing that we can’t finish later,” sang Jessie. You laughed at his choice of words. Rae whacked his knee with more force than necessary, causing his leg to flinch forward.

You disentangled from your strange position, and Jessie sat up. “Can we help you?”

Victor gestured to the woman beside him. “Helga here hurt her foot at training. Could you take a look at it?”

“Of course,” Jessie said. He swiftly wiped the table clean, then he and Victor helped Helga onto it. Her face twisted in pain when she lowered her foot on the table. Victor gently tugged her boot off and pulled the hem of her white uniform trousers up, revealing her injured ankle.

“I heard this is your guys’ medical training,” Helga said quietly, voice strained. “I’m really sorry for interrupting.”

“Don’t worry about it,” you said, eyeing her bruised and swollen foot with concern.

“How did you hurt it?” asked Rae, bending over to observe Helga’s ankle, her blue eyes bright with curiosity.

“I landed badly,” Helge explained.

“Really badly,” added Victor helpfully, shooting you a grin.

Jessie examined her foot, gently moving it from side to side. You observed how his usual cheerful expression disappeared momentarily as he felt around her ankle, noting her reactions to his careful touches. After a few moments, he concluded, “It seems you’ve sprained your ankle.”

“Nothing’s broken?” she asked, her shoulders sagging in relief.

Jessie offered her a smile. “No. I’ll bandage you up, but you shouldn’t move for a while. I would recommend only hopping around to use the toilet, then returning to bed.” He slowly wrapped her foot and ankle, and in his movements you recognized everything he’s been teaching you. “When you’re sleeping or sitting, elevate your foot a bit. That will help with the swelling. You can also dip your foot in some cold water, if you want, but don’t leave it soaking for too long. Oh, and come for a check-up in four or five days, please.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Helga said gently. “We’re lucky to have you.” That was a sentiment you wholeheartedly agreed with.

“That, you are,” Jessie agreed humbly.

When Jessie finished bandaging her foot, Victor helped Helga stand and slowly limp out of the infirmary. You bid them both farewell, slightly grimacing as you watched the Scout struggle to walk.

Jessie stretched his hands above his head. “We should probably head to dinner soon, huh?”

You pursed your lips. Dinner. Another hour you would have to spend next to Captain Levi, feeling the silence stretching between you like an endless rift. You briefly contemplated not going down to dinner at all, or asking Jessie and Rae to bring you some food afterwards. But your stomach growled after such a long day, both emotionally and physically exhausting.

You reminded yourself that you had done nothing wrong, and that you had a right to be upset, to demand some space. You weren’t the one that made implications about the Captain’s sex life, after all.

This was awful, and you were still so torn up about the whole thing. Earlier today, you had to force the words out, asking him to let you train by yourself, to leave you alone for at least one morning. You preferred walking on glass to confrontation, so you weren’t surprised when you felt the familiar burn of tears, the lump in your throat. Hopefully, he hadn’t noticed.

At least tonight you would have Jessie and Rae with you. You sandwiched yourself between them as you headed through the dining hall. Your stomach twisted with nerves as you approach the Levi Squad, and you despised yourself for it. I did nothing wrong. Fuck him.

Of course, your eyes found his immediately, inevitably. Levi regarded you with cool indifference, his chin resting on his fist. His other arm was casually thrown over the back of your chair, but he removed it when you approached. All the other seats at the table were occupied, and you wouldn’t want to draw attention to yourself by sitting somewhere else, anyway. This was uncomfortable enough already.

Deciding that not looking at the Captain at all was your best bet, you turned to your unknowing allies. “Hey, Rae,” you called, “How is Helga going to join us on the expedition in her condition, what do you think?”

Rae briefly glanced at Levi before answering. “She’ll have to talk with the Commander. If she’s unable to fight, perhaps she’ll be put in charge of the morgue cart.”

Your fork stopped half-way to your mouth. “The what?”

The young Scout grimaced. “That’s what we call it. It’s exactly what it sounds like – a cart that carries dead bodies.”

It made sense, wanting to carry the bodies of fallen soldiers back to their families so that they could at least have a proper burial. The bodies that they could find, that is. You assumed most ended up as Titan fodder. What a horrific job, searching the bloody battlefield for your dead comrades and hoping that you found them in one piece. You hoped for Helga’s sake someone else was unlucky enough to get that job.

“Is our cart going to be just the three of us?” asked Jessie while shoveling bread into his mouth.

Rae’s eyes once again slid over to Levi, perhaps wondering why these questions were directed at her and not him. “I assume so. We won’t know until we get the Commander’s official orders, though.”

“When will that be? The expedition is in, what, thirteen days?” Jessie’s eyes widened. “Uh-oh. Unlucky number. I hope I didn’t doom us all just know.”

Levi’s voice sliced through your entire body, almost making you flinch when he unexpectedly spoke up. “The orders should arrive in the next few days.”

“Will we find out what our formation position is then, Captain?” wondered Rae.

He hummed in agreement.

You were hyper-aware of his proximity, his sharp profile tempting you from your peripheral vision. After a single day of this horrible silence, you already wanted things to go back to how they were between you two – a tentative sort of companionship where you constantly insulted each other, never meaning it. You had gotten used to that, and now you were back at square one.

His fault, not mine.

He’d apologized, and you appreciated that, but you could still hear his harsh words from the other night ringing through your skull. They weren’t mere petty remarks spoken half in jest. They were meant to hurt you, to embarrass you. And they succeeded.

It didn’t help that he seemed completely indifferent about you backtracking into awkward silence again. For all you knew, he was enjoying the peace and quiet.

He had been drunk when he made those foolish implications, you could tell as much when you got a whiff of his breath. And you had certainly done your fair share of stupidities when you were drunk.

But he hadn’t seemed all that intoxicated when you got into his face to confront him. He stood still and proud, his gaze firmly fixed on you. His pupils had been slightly dilated, likely from the alcohol coursing through his veins. Either way, you rather resented yourself for even noticing such a thing.

Today, though, it seemed that his apology was sincere.

You fought back an eye-roll. The man was a walking contradiction. It wasn’t worth it trying to figure him out, as it would probably lead to a headache.

Jessie and Rae had no clue had grateful you were for their comforting presence and easy conversation. You could have kissed them both, even if they were unaware that they were helping you. When they stood to leave, you jumped to your feet, mumbling a quiet good night to everyone else at the table.

You shouldn’t have worried. Dinner went fine.

-

Dinner was hell.

Levi was dangerously close to picking another fight with the mapmaker just so he could talk to her. Biting his tongue was no longer a metaphor, and taste of blood in his mouth was proof. She wouldn’t even look at him. She could have been back in Mitras for how far away she seemed, as if the Walls themselves were separating them, and not a few inches of empty space between their chairs. He couldn’t blame her at all, but he still hated this, for whatever reason.

Fuck letting the dust settle. He needed to fix this now.

During the course of this painstaking dinner, he had convinced himself that he was merely worried about her training progress. They needed to get back into their regular routine if she intended to be prepared for the expedition. That was it.

Before he could change his mind, he said, “Petra, Gunther? Can you stay for a moment?” His teammates had just stood up, preparing to retire to their own bedrooms for the night. Levi slowly added, “That isn’t an order. Stay if you have the time.”

Gunther and Petra stayed behind as Eld and a jealous-looking Oluo left.

Levi cleared his throat. “How is the Doctor’s training going?” he asked first, as a means to delay the conversation that was somehow making him uncomfortable in advance. Petra gave him a full report on Jessie’s progress and he pretended to pay attention, not hearing a word she’d said, his mind racing. When she finished, he simply said, “That’s good,” and hoped that was the right response.

This was ridiculous. He didn’t know what to say, where to begin. “I would like to ask you for some advice,” he said formally. His fingers twitched and he pressed them into his thighs, the pain easing the conversation.

Gunther merely blinked, but Petra instantly got worried. “What is it, Captain?”

Levi considered how he could vaguely convey what had happened, but still keep most of last night’s events to himself. He settled on, “I fucked up. I had been drinking with Erwin and Hange and, as a result, I said some improper things to a comrade.”

He thought that was more than enough information, but his teammates still looked perplexed.

Gunther scratched the back of his neck. “You’re asking us – what, Captain?”

“How I can fix that whole foul affair,” he said, unsuccessfully trying to keep the irritation from his voice.

“Apologize,” said Gunther simply. Petra nodded.

A muscle twitched in Levi’s temple. “I have. It hasn’t worked.”

Petra tilted her head to the side. “How can an apology not work?”

Levi already regretted bringing this up. He stood up, pushing his chair back. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. I’ll think of som –”

“A gift,” Gunther blurted out.

Levi sat back down. “What?”

Gunther smiled sheepishly. “When my sister and I would get into a fight, she would always buy me a hot bun to apologize, if the fight had been her fault. And I would always forgive her the second she put that warm little loaf of bread in my hands.”

“A hot bun,” Levi repeated, bewildered.

Gunther shrugged. “It doesn’t need to be a hot bun. Any kind of thoughtful present would do, I think. If you know that person, get them something you think they might like. And if you don’t know them all that well, get them something generic. You said it was a comrade, Captain? What do Scouts like, then? Card games? Booze? Those soft little cloths for cleaning ODM gear?”

Cloths. Levi nodded once more. That sounded like a feasible plan to him. But he noticed that Petra was frowning. “Petra? You disagree?”

“I don’t think a present is the way to go,” she said slowly. “Superficial trinkets don’t show that you are truly sorry for offending someone. I believe it’s quite simple, Captain. All you need to be is more – you know.” She gestured towards him vaguely, wiggling her fingers.

“What?” He did not know.

Petra grimaced. “Well, nicer.”

Gunther was suddenly on Petra’s side. “Ah, and more polite. Civil.”

“Amicable.”

He didn’t need them chanting synonyms at him. “I get it,” snapped Levi. Seeing his mistake, he sighed. “I get it,” he repeated in a more amicable and civil manner. “Thank you for your help.” He quickly left, wanting to end this embarrassing conversation as soon as possible. At least Gunther and Petra won’t tell anyone about this. He knew as much, which is exactly why he chose to ask them.

He wasn’t sure whose advice to take.

It couldn’t hurt to be thorough.

Chapter Text

The last thing you expected when you opened the door was to be greeted with the smiling faces of Gunther, Petra, Jessie and Rae. All morning you’d spent preparing yourself, considering how you would deal with Levi today, since you couldn’t avoid another training altogether. You couldn’t think of a sound solution, and he was late to pick you up, which involuntarily made you worry. Refusing to go looking for him, you’d waited, bouncing your leg, stuck somewhere between concern and annoyance.

“Hi, guys. What’s going on?”

Petra said, “The Captain had to go into town, so you’ll be training with us today. Well, with Rae, technically.”

This was already shaping up to be a far better morning than you had anticipated. You briefly wondered what Levi could be doing in town – perhaps conducting business for Commander Erwin? You didn’t want to ask.

The five of you rode into the forest together, stopping quite far from your and Levi’s usual training spot. Above you, the Sun had risen, slithering through the branches, falling on your tired face. Woodpeckers chased each other. A gentle breeze picked up, whispering around your small group. This part of the forest was completely unfamiliar to you.

Jessie shot you a pained look as Gunther and Petra led him away. You watched as he shot his wires and landed on a thick branch, flailing his arms to steady himself. Petra tailed him, while Gunther kept to the ground, his arms extended should he need to catch the doctor at any point. Jessie had improved greatly, although he still despised ODM training, fiercely claiming that his talents lied outside of the realm of strenuous physical activities.

“What are we going to do?” you asked, turning to Rae.

Her smile was sheepish. “I’m not sure. I volunteered to train with you, but I hadn’t had the chance to think of any exercises, really. Is there anything you want to do, that you hadn’t done with the Captain?”

You doubted Levi failed to cover the most important exercises. “Maybe you could teach me some cool tricks?”

You could almost see the cogs working under Rae’s neat blonde hair. A moment later, a wicked smile sliced through her lips – an expression you hadn’t seen on her face before. Amused, you waited for an explanation.

“The twist and turn,” Rae announced with an uncharacteristic air of drama.

You laughed. “Sounds great, whatever it is. Let’s do it.”

Rae led you away from an anguished Jessie and his diligent trainers, and described what she had in mind. “I have always wanted to try this move with another person. It’s a bit theatrical, but I really do think it can be useful when you want to aim your body at a very specific spot. It’s also handy when one person is less experienced with ODM gear than the other.”

“Perfect for us.”

“Basically, it would involve me quickly turning in a tornado-like motion and hurling you at something,” she said simply.

Some of your excitement disappeared. “Hurling me?”

You laughed. “I don’t know how else to explain it. Let me show you my part first.”

You stopped at a small tree-lined clearing. Sliding her fingers into her hand grips, she easily leaped into the sky. “Watch!” she yelled. She only shot her right wire, momentarily swinging in a wide arc. Her left wire was shot soon enough, and Rae twisted her hips so that she would keep spinning in a circle that was getting progressively smaller.

Awed, you watched as she suddenly reeled her wires back in completely, and was left spinning in thin air, as that was the most natural place for her to be. As if she was weightless.

That was how skilled you wanted to be, someday.

Rae fired her wires once more and dropped to the ground.

“You defy gravity,” you said, amazed.

“I work with gravity,” corrected Rae. “Do you want to try this? You don’t have to. We can always think of something else to do.”

“I want to.” As frightening as it seemed, you wanted to give this twist and turn thing a go. And seeing how skilled Rae was, you assumed she could catch you if something went seriously wrong. Well, you hoped so, at least. “Tell me what to do.”

“Wait for me to gain enough momentum. Then, get as close to me as you can and I’ll grab your hands.” She fired her right wire. The hook landed in a tall oak tree, and as she reeled it back, some of the bark broke and fell off. “You see that spot? That is where I’ll, uh –”

“Hurl me?”

“Well, yes. You know how to land properly, right?”

You nodded. “Let’s do this before I chicken out.”

Rae looked at you with something close to pride.

Shooting upwards once more, she began to fire her wires successively, first the right, then the left. When she sped up, her movements becoming more rapid, you puffed the air out of your cheeks and lifted yourself up into the air, attaching your hooks into the trees around you, but mostly relying on your compressed gas to stay afloat.

From the tornado that was Rae, two hands shot out. You hastened to grasp them. Instantly, your stomach lurched as you were pulled into the whirlwind, spinning in a rapid circle and desperately clutching onto Rae’s hands. Your shoulders popped. Your young friend glanced somewhere above your head and, with a grunt, she let go.

You surged away from her extended hands, the world around you nothing but a blur of greens and blues. Despite your rising panic, you managed to ready your legs for impact, bending your knees. As soon as you landed on the tree trunk, vertically, you launched your hooks so they held you in place. Panting, you looked between your feet. And there is was, the place where Rae had broken off a piece of bark.

“That was incredible,” you muttered to yourself before raising your voice, “Rae, that was an incredible shot!”

You heard her touch down at a branch above you. “Are you all right?”

You were in a slightly inconvenient position, kneeling vertically on a tree trunk, facing downwards. “Yeah. I’d appreciate a hand, though.”

With her help you managed you scramble onto the branch where she was standing. “Can we try again?” you asked instantly, basking in the afterglow of an adrenaline rush, your entire body pleasantly warm. The whole trick lasted a couple of frantic seconds at most, but it had felt much longer. “But it would probably be better if I could land facing upwards.”

A rare grin graced Rae’s features. “Let’s go.”

You practiced the twist and turn – fantastic name, you thought – until you both felt sick. Afterwards, you flew through the forest together, not formally racing, but not letting the other stay ahead for long. Keeping up with Rae was difficult, but not impossible like it was with Captain Levi. A rush of satisfaction flushed through your aching body when you noticed the impressed looks Rae was shooting your way.

When Jessie, Petra and Gunther sat down for a break, you went to join them.

“You really should be proud,” said Rae as you walked towards the others. “After not even a month of training, your progress is more than praiseworthy.”

“Thank you,” you muttered. Rae was beyond kind, but she wasn’t one to praise someone causelessly. You hoped your face wasn’t as hot as it felt.

“I’m so jealous!” Jessie exclaimed. “How can you do that? I can barely land on a damn branch without breaking my neck.”

Gunther distributed some apples among the group. “The Captain must have you dying at your trainings,” he teased.

You huffed, something between a laugh and a frustrated sigh. “He really does.”

“How is training with him going?” asked Petra. “Whenever we ask, the most we get is it’s going well, now scram.”

You laughed as she tried to mimic his monotonous tone. However, you couldn’t help the note of bitterness that crept into your voice when you said, “Training with him is fine, I guess.” It had been great, actually, exciting and fulfilling, but you weren’t sure how things were going to progress from this point on.

Petra’s face fell. “I thought you guys had started getting along.”

“We are. We were.” You sighed. You certainly weren’t going to insult him in front of his teammates and friends. “We’re fine. We just – had a little squabble, that’s all. Unimportant.”

An onslaught of different emotions passed over Petra’s face. Confusion. Jealousy, maybe. She glanced over at Gunther, who was looking at you thoughtfully.

Before you could ask what was wrong, Jessie said, “Let’s get back to the main issue, please. Me. How the hell am I going to survive out there? My poor ODM skills are more likely to kill me than a Titan.”

“You’ll focus on tending to the wounded,” Rae said. “We’ll focus on helping you, and the rest of the Scouts will focus on helping us.”

Jessie pouted. “I’m way too pretty to be under so much pressure.”

-

Leaning against your door, you closed your eyes for a moment. Your legs were burning and your entire scalp was damp with sweat. Everything, both your clothes and your body, needed to be scrubbed down right this second. The day had been long and hard, as was every day with the Scouts.

When your eyes fluttered open, they immediately landed on an intruder.

A small package on your desk, and a folded note on top of it.

Frowning, you walked towards the items, wondering if this could be that stress relief tea that you had asked Jessie to make, or perhaps something from Victor. But you’d just left medical training, and you weren’t sure what Victor would want to get you, or why.

You opened the note first.

I’m truly sorry. – L

You stilled. This was from Levi?

You took a second to admire his neat handwriting before moving onto the package, which you carefully unwrapped, setting the brown paper onto your desk. A thin, long box fell into your hands. Endlessly confused, you opened it.

A gasp fell from your lips.

It was a necklace, thin and delicate, and a tiny compass acted as its pendant. You ran your fingers over the metal chain, then curiously put the compass, nail-sized, onto your desk, curious to see if it actually worked or if it was merely decorative. The red magnetic needle trembled, then slowly settled, pointing northward.

A couple of different emotions bloomed in your chest.

The strongest was the unease that he had spent his pitiful soldier salary on you. You didn’t want or need presents from him. And you had to wonder what his thought process was, whether this was truly how he wanted to rectify his drunken mistake, by buying you a gift.

“Men,” you muttered to yourself, staring at the compass.

But this was him trying.

Levi was the least personable person you had ever met, and this was him trying to patch things up with you. Because he wanted to. Because, you supposed, he cared enough to do so.

And you had to give the Devil his due, this was a lovely necklace, both useful and beautiful. You loved it. Somehow, he knew that you would.

You tried to stop it, but a small, pleased smile broke through your mask.

-

Levi didn’t come to dinner.

“He said he had a meeting with the Commander again,” mumbled Oluo through a mouthful of meat.

You weren’t sure if you were disappointed or relieved. The necklace, hidden beneath your shirt, was cold against your skin.

Chapter Text

Levi half-wished he would fall down these stupid stairs and break an arm. That would certainly be easier. His feet felt like they had been dipped in lead as he made his way through the deathly quiet corridors, towards her room. Vaguely, he could make out movement and conversation behind an occasional door he passed by, but most of the castle was still asleep.

What kind of advice was be nicer?

For how much people annoyed him, Levi thought he was pretty damn nice.

What did being nice entail, anyway? Small talk? He despised small talk. Still, he promised himself he would try to follow through with Petra and Gunther’s supposed words of wisdom. He wondered what he was supposed to say. Good morning. How are you? How did you sleep? He gritted his teeth. Utterly ridiculous. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to know how she was, he would just prefer it if she could simply tell him, without him having to ask out loud. And, yes, he was aware of the fact that she wasn’t a mind reader. Considering what had happened the last time he stood close to her, he should be grateful that she couldn’t hear his thoughts.

With every step, he became more annoyed with himself.

He hated not knowing what to expect. When he went into battle, he knew exactly what was coming. Carnage. Blood. Death. He could mentally prepare himself for the worst possible outcome and try to come to terms with it.

Perhaps he should try the same tactic now. What would the worst possible outcome be? The mapmaker still being angry at him and not speaking to him, he supposed. If that happened, Levi would accept the situation and not push her, but he would have to properly train with her again, as was his duty. She needed to be prepared for the expedition no matter what.

As the door to her room came into view, he resentfully repeated the words in his head. Good morning. How are you? How did you sleep?

He raised his hand to knock on her door, but it was already open. She was attaching the compressed gas cannisters to the straps on her sides when she looked up, noticing him.

Levi parted his lips to parrot the rehearsed words swishing around in his head, but she beat him to it. “Morning,” she said softly, looking a little uncomfortable. “How’d you sleep? Any sweet dreams?”

“No,” he blurted out before he even comprehended her questions fully. He cleared his throat and tried again. “But no bad ones either, I suppose. You?”

“Same here,” she said. She finished putting on her gear. “Ready to go?”

"Yes."

On their way to the stables, she said, “Rae taught me the twist and turn yesterday.”

He frowned, mounting his horse. “The what?”

She explained the move in great detail, gesturing wildly with her hands, not holding the reins at all. Levi subtly urged his horse closer to hers, to be able to catch her if need be.

“That sounds –” Be nicer. But, as her trainer, he had to be honest. “– useless.”

She clicked her tongue. “It’s not. Imagine if you wanted me to land on a very specific, tiny spot.”

“You’ve mastered ODM gear well enough to be able to do that without some impractical and time-consuming move.”

“All right, but what if I wanted to look glamorous and impress the rest of the Scouts?”

“What we find most impressive is survival,” he said honestly.

Some of the tension in his shoulders slowly ebbed away. It would seem that things were going back to normal. He took note of the chain around her neck, the one that he had spent hours staring at yesterday, deciding whether it was a decent choice for her, whether it adequately conveyed the message of I’m sorry for getting drunk and indirectly calling you a whore. An already familiar wave of self-loathing washed over him.

When she slid off her horse, she finally noticed the huge metal boxes that he had attached to his saddle. “What’s that?”

He grabbed two of the boxes and made quick work of attaching them to her gas canisters. “These are your blade-holders.” His fingers ghosted over the swords’ hilts, three on each side. “And these are your blades.”

“I am going to have blades?” Her voice rose in a slight panic. “Do you expect me to kill Titans out there?”

“No. I would rather you not carry the blades at all since they’ll only weigh you down. But Erwin insists.” Levi frowned, remembering last night’s meeting-turned-argument with Erwin, which made them both miss dinner. “He believes that it would be good if you at least knew how to hold them properly.”

-

“Erwin, I don’t have the time or the props to teach her how to wield the blades,” Levi had said, pressing his thumb harshly between his eyebrows.

Erwin had sighed. “Imagine this. A Titan goes to grab her, and she doesn’t have anything to defend herself with.”

Levi had clenched his jaw. He did not want to imagine any such thing. “I thought you said the cart with the medics would be protected by the whole Regiment.”

“It is my intention to protect them, Levi. But you know how quickly our expeditions can go sideways. It’s always better to be prepared, to count on oneself in the battlefield. Isn’t it?”

-

The mapmaker considered this new objective, then merely shrugged. “All right.” Carefully, she grabbed two of the blades by their hilts and unsheathed them. She pointed them forward, somewhat awkwardly, then backwards, so they stretched behind her thighs. “How should I hold them?”

“Either one of those two ways is fine. Whatever feels more comfortable.”

She pointed them forward again, then made a vertical slicing motion. “Is this how you cut a Titan’s nape? A one meter long and ten centimeters wide cut.”

He nodded. She was clearly studiously making her way through Hange’s stack of books.

After she twirled the blades around in her hands a while longer, almost decapitating herself at one point, Levi wanted to move onto other, more important exercises. “Put them back into the blade-holders. You need to get used to the extra weight. And we need to get back to working on your speed.”

“Are you going to chase me around again?” she asked, looking less than thrilled. Then, out of nowhere, she perked up, her eyes brightening. “Why don’t I chase you, for a change?”

“You won’t be chasing Titans, they’ll be chasing you.”

“You’re not a Titan. Come on! How am I supposed to become humanity’s second strongest soldier in these conditions?”

He fought back his amusement. “Is that your end goal? Becoming humanity’s second strongest soldier?”

“Sure is.” She smirked. An odd, dangerous kind of excitement shone in her eyes, something he hadn’t seen before. Levi’s spine locked up as his amusement disappeared, making way for a much stranger feeling. Something hot and detrimental, like a shot of whiskey. “Come on, Captain. I’ll give you as big a head start as you want.”

The sheer amount of arrogance in her body was unbelievable. He scoffed. “I don’t need a head start.”

Without prompt, he shot his wires and launched himself into the sky, leaping into the trees. The slight wobble of her wires indicated that she was struggling under the extra weight of her blade-holders. Nonetheless, she persisted in her pursuit, at a steady distance behind him.

Levi didn’t need to focus on the task at hand, so he let his mind wander while he swung between the trees. He assumed that they could continue training at their regular pace now, and that dinners would not be as uncomfortable anymore. It should have been embarrassing, the relief he felt because of this, but it was undeniably there. Perhaps he simply liked a good routine. He could work with banter and her vain teasing, as well as comfortable silences – just not that horrible, thick tenseness that made his skin crawl.

He assumed this meant that she had forgiven him. He was glad, if undeserving.

As he maneuvered through the forest with ease, barely aware of his own movements, he thought about other things, too. The upcoming expedition, Eren in all his liability, the formation and the number of comrades he would lose, again. He wondered if Jessie, that ridiculous excuse of an apparently incredible medic, would truly be as useful as Hange insisted. He wondered if Rae could keep the doctor in check, and whether she needed to. He wondered what secret plans Erwin had up his sleeve, because there was always something.

Apparently, he had gotten too lost in his thoughts. When the mapmaker’s hooks attached into the tree right next to him, he was startled for a moment, before shooting his left wire and sharply changing directions. He heard her grunt and mutter, “Son of a bitch,” as she suddenly had to drop into a squat on a tree. Before he could ask if she was all right, she was already chasing after him again, her eyes aflame.

With a start, he realized that this was starting to feel like real Cadet training, not teaching a civilian how to merely survive.

Well.

Damn.

This went on for a while, and Levi felt the back of his neck dampening with sweat. He hadn’t broken a sweat at their trainings before, but she was truly getting good, if not excellent. Levi had pushed her at the beginning, but at some point she seemingly started to enjoy using ODM gear, which made her work twice as hard. Now, he realized that he was actually putting in effort to prevent her from reaching him.

Her labored breathing got louder, and he yelled back, “All right, that’s enough!”

He spotted a thick branch and aimed towards it, dropping down into a squat. Less than a second later, she joined him, touching down with a decorative little spin that Levi knew he was guilty of, too.

“How was that?” she asked, grabbing onto the tree trunk for support.

“The spin was unnecessary.”

“But cool, right?”

“Titan’s won’t know if you’re cool.”

She groaned, throwing her head back. Sweat made the hair around her face curl. “You’re so –” She didn’t finish her sentence, focusing instead of catching her breath.

Even though Levi desperately wanted to know what she was going to say, he asked, “Do you want to take a break?”

Her eyes snapped back to his. “Spent already?” She crossed her arms casually, but he saw the way her fingers were positioned over all the right places on her hands grips. “Perhaps I should aim for the title of humanity’s strongest, after all.”

“My turn to chase,” he said simply and launched his hooks, watching as they landed an inch above her head.

She jumped off the branch immediately. Her laughter echoed through the forest, giving him a perfect trail to follow.

-

Once they finally sat down to rest, Levi couldn’t hide his own rapid, shallow breaths. The muscles in his legs cried in protest, and he knew he would need to stretch later.

They both ignored the sandwiches for the time being and instantly reached for the bottles of water and tea. He downed half of his black tea, for once grateful that it was cold.

“That turn you did just now, you should never do that,” he said when he got his breathing under control. “You could seriously injure yourself if you land on one leg like that.”

“I was moving too fast to think,” she said, wiping her face with her sleeve. “But I did grab a branch above my head, too.”

Levi ran a hand through his sweaty hair, his lips curling with distaste. He was desperate for a wash. Unfortunately, thinking about a bath made him recall that drop of water that had run down the mapmaker’s jaw that damned, whiskey-painted night, and how much he wanted to chase it with his lips. You fool.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Hmm?”

“Is it true that Scouts rarely form romantic relationships?”

Levi stilled, pausing for a long moment before he dared to glance over at her curiously. She was still panting, resting her head against the tree behind them. “Where is this coming from?”

She waved a hand dismissively. “I’ve heard people talking about it.”

“People?”

“People,” she repeated, clearly not wanting to disclose the people in question.

Levi never cared for gossip, but Oluo would have inform him about any and every budding relationship in the Regiment, whether he wanted him to or not. “I suppose it’s true. This job is shitty and deadly. Why would you want to drag someone else into hell with you?”

“The, uh, people said something similar,” she said. “That, in this profession, a brief period of happiness isn’t worth the pain that inevitably follows.”

“Seems like sound logic to me,” he muttered, confused as to where this conversation was going.

Thoughtfully, she hummed, drumming her fingers on her newly acquired blade-holders.

“You disagree?” he asked despite himself.

“I don’t know,” she said slowly. “I only think that, if I knew I could die at any given moment, I would still want to have as many happy moments with my person as I could.”

“Even if you would miss them afterwards?”

“If I cared about them, I would miss them anyway, whether we were involved romantically or not.” Her hand sliced through the air, declaring the conversation finished before he could think of what to say. “Nevermind. I was just curious.”

Frowning slightly, Levi returned to his sandwich.

A folded piece of paper was placed on his knee.

“I meant to give you this, uh –” she stopped herself from saying anything else, audibly closing her mouth shut.

Beyond confused at this point, Levi placed his sandwich down once again to open the note.

Kenny’s ugly mut stared back at him, slightly older than he remembered, but painfully familiar nonetheless.

“You asked me for a drawing of my buyer, the one that requested a map of the Underground.”

Levi realized a couple of different things at once.

Three days ago, when she’d said that she was waiting for someone in that abandoned library, she meant him. She knew that his room was right next door. He had noticed a piece of paper in front of her then, but, of course, his intoxicated brain preferred to focus on her face and how she smelled.

But the other truth was much worse. He’d had an inkling, but this confirmed it – she had unknowingly worked for a serial killer.

The mapmaker watched him curiously. “Judging by your face, I’m guessing you know him?”

“This is Kenny the Ripper.”

Staring at Kenny’s face brought back many memories, most of which he didn’t care to dwell on. The taste of stale bread on his tongue. The hilt of a knife pressed into his young hand. The booming words of praise as he committed a plethora of heinous acts before he’d even learned how to spell.

Years. It had taken him years to learn how to write, and many more to make his handwriting decent.

“Kenny the Ripper? Isn’t that an urban legend?”

Levi shook his head. “He’s real, all right. And this is him.”

He looked over at her just in time to see her sandwich slide out of her fingers. His hand shot out to grab it before it hit the ground. He returned it to her unmoving fingers.

She stared at him with wide eyes. “Are you serious?” He nodded grimly. “I – I worked for a literal serial killer?” He was certain he had never heard her stutter before. For whatever reason, it unnerved him, hearing her falter, but he supposed a freak out was more than justified right now. “But, that means he could have –”

He interrupted her. “He could have. But he didn’t. Don’t think about that right now. It’s no use.” She dropped her eyes to the drawing, seeing that dipshit for who he truly was for the first time. He needed to know, “What was he like? How did he act around you?”

She lifted a shoulder, her eyes far away. “He was fine, I guess. He made the most improper jokes, but that was it. He took me around the Underground while I mapped and protected me when he could. He also paid me more than I deserved, being fresh out of college.”

A walking contradiction of a man, just as Levi remembered. He pressed his lips tightly together.

“Did he really kill a hundred Military Police officers?” she asked quietly.

“Yes.”

Silence blanketed them for some time, with Levi staring at Kenny’s face with disgust and a distant sort of pain, and the mapmaker deep in thought, her fingers digging into her thighs, her food completely forgotten. He could almost hear her mind whirring, each overriding thought worse than the last. This was the longest break they had ever taken at one of their trainings, but Levi couldn’t bring himself to care.

He scrutinized this new piece of information, examining it from every angle, but he couldn’t think of anything substantial to do with it. It didn’t help him understand her as much as he thought it would.

“So, you are from the Underground, huh?” Sighing, she rolled her head to the side to look at him.

He mirrored her position. “I’m sure you’ve heard the stories.”

“I have, but it’s hard to know what to believe.” She searched his face, and he wondered what she was looking for. “Before I joined the Survey Corps, I used to think that you were more myth than man.”

“And now?” he asked, not knowing what kind of answer he was hoping for.

“Now you’re just a pain in my ass.”

He desperately tried to fight it, but his lips twitched with the beginning of a smile.

She did a double take, taking in this new expression of his.

A brilliant smile lit up her face.

His entire body tightened in response.

“Careful, Captain,” she teased, her eyes bright with amusement. “I might just think you like me.”

He had to look away when the warmth in his chest became a searing ache. “You irk me,” he said, rearranging his face so that it revealed nothing.

“That’s what I just said.”

With her chuckling quietly beside him, all Levi could do was hope that they both survived the upcoming expedition.

Chapter Text

It finally happened – you slept in. Mornings of training with Levi, afternoons of medical training with Jessie and Rae, and late nights of talking with Victor finally caught up with you.

Angry and insistent knocking racked through your skull as you struggled to open your eyes.

“Stop knocking!” you yelled, voice hoarse. “Give me a minute!”

The knocking did stop, but you could feel Levi’s furious gaze burning a hole through your door.

The moment you stirred, it became glaringly clear that exhaustion wasn’t the only reason you had slept it. You felt like a four-horse carriage had trampled over you, leaving you for dead. A dull ache spread through your lower abdomen, but as you sat up, it was replaced by a sharp, stabbing pain. Unfortunate, undeniable wetness made your underwear stick to your skin – not the good kind of wetness, sadly.

“Fuck,” you muttered as you padded across your room. As least you'd been sleeping in black pajama bottoms.

You swung the door open, revealing a displeased Levi.

He wrinkled his nose. “You’re not dressed yet?” How could he be shorter than you, and somehow still look down on you? “You look like shit,” he asserted.

Sighing, you dragged your hands down your face. “Thank you, Captain. You are too kind, as always.”

“Are you sick or something?” He took a huge step backwards, away from any possible germs.

“No, just in pain,” you mumbled. You leaned against the doorframe, feeling like someone was forcefully kneading your stomach and digging their nails into your abdomen.

He frowned. “Why? Sore from training?”

“Being sore from training has become kind of a constant in my life at this point. But I’m on my period, so my whole body kind of hates me right now.”

Levi blinked, then nodded, once. “How many days off will you need, then?”

You tilted your head to the side. “What?”

“Three?”

You finally comprehended what he was saying. “What? I can’t – I can’t not train,” you said, aghast. “The expedition is in ten days.”

“Which will leave us seven days to finish up training,” he explained in a drawl, as if teaching a young child math.

“But –”

“You will take three days off. That’s an order. I cannot deal with you passing out from overexertion.” His tone left no room for discussion. You could only frown at him, an expression he happily returned. “Rest,” he ordered and promptly took his leave.

You wanted to at least apologize for making him wake up so early and put ODM gear on for nothing, or thank him for these unexpected rest days, but the words died on your lips. Slowly, you closed the door.

An order was an order, after all.

You found the period supplies you’d packed, fixed yourself up and went right back to sleep.

-

The next time you woke up, it was to some more visitors. It was already dark outside. Did you really sleep the whole day away? You were clearly more worn out than you even realized.

Unwilling to part with your bed just yet, you sat up and yelled, “Come in!”

A mop of dark hair followed by a grin made you chuckle. “Hi, Jessie. Come on in.” Rae appeared behind him. They were carrying three bowls of stew, and Rae had tucked a loaf of bread wrapped in a tea towel under her arm. “Oh, you guys didn’t have to bring me dinner.”

“We’re not just bringing you dinner,” Jessie corrected. “But our lovely company, as well. Package deal.”

You smiled and gestured for them to sit wherever they wanted. Rae took the chair by your desk, and Jessie made himself more than comfortable on your bed, squashing your legs in the process.

“The Levi Squad will be awfully bored without you guys,” you said.

“Without us,” said Jessie. “They can deal with it for a couple of days. They survived long enough without us before.”

You balanced the bowl of stew on your thighs. Rae handed you a piece of bread. “I had to wrestle that Sasha girl for this,” she mumbled, irritation clear in her voice. She thew a piece towards Jessie and he extended his plate, letting the bread fall right into it. You surveyed your bedsheets with narrowed eyes, but they mercifully remained stew-free. For now, at least.

“How are you?” Rae asked, gesturing towards your stomach.

“All right. Nothing I haven’t been through before, many a times.”

“If it makes you feel any better, your periods will probably get lighter if you continue to train with the same intensity. That’s what happened to most of us.”

You cracked a tired smile. “That sounds like simply exchanging one type of pain for another.” The perpetual state of soreness in your muscles proved your point well enough.

“I have some painkillers, if you want them,” Jessie offered.

The pain in your stomach was still very much present, dull and annoying, and you knew it would be for another day or two. Still, you shook your head. “I suspect you don’t have a lot of them.” Painkillers were incredibly expensive and hard to find within the Walls, even for a medic. “You’d better save them for after the expedition. A lot of soldiers will probably need them then.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot about that,” he sighed. “The three of us watching over a hundred soldiers. How are we supposed to do that?”

It was a daunting prospect. You found yourself looking at Rae, a girl eight years younger than you, hoping she had something wise to say.

“Jessie, you won’t be able to save everyone,” she said, a little harshly. “Get that idea out of your head as soon as possible. This is an expedition, and there will almost definitely be casualties. There always are.”

A shadow passed over Jessie’s face, but it was gone before you could analyze it. “What do I do, then?”

“Your job,” Rae said simply. “Save who you can, deal with the more seriously injured, and let us handle the minor wounds, just like you had taught us.” Her eyes were hard as she stared him down. “But if you see someone beyond saving, you let them go, or end their misery. We won’t have time for lost causes. That would only lead to more death in the end.”

You were taken aback by her harsh words. Not for the first time, you wondered what this young girl had seen in her five years with the Scouts, what sort of horrors she must have experienced firsthand. You supposed you would find out soon enough, with the expedition being just ten days away.

“All right,” said Jessie gently.

You cleared your throat, desperate to change the subject. “We still don’t know our formation position, do we?”

Rae shook her head. “No orders have arrived yet.”

“Where do you think we could be positioned?”

“Somewhere in the middle, probably. We need to be easy to locate, so anyone who needs medical attention can find us without disrupting the rest of the formation.”

“Is it strange that I cannot wait for the expedition, in the most morbid way?” asked Jessie, leaning over you to place his bowl on the desk. “This waiting around is killing me.”

“I get what you mean,” muttered Rae. “There’s nothing worse than the anticipation of it all.”

Your friends remained in your room, chatting about less grim affairs, until Rae decided they had overstayed their welcome and dragged Jessie out. You tried to argue as you enjoyed their company, but your eyelids were already getting heavy again.

-

When the pain would subside and you didn’t feel like someone was twisting a knife in your gut, you would read Hange’s books and clean your room. You washed your hair more thoroughly than you had in weeks, and you let yourself indulge in your favourite soaps instead of only having a quick bath to rinse off the day’s bearings. For the most part, however, you withered on your bed, cursing the day you were born a woman. And you slept, a lot.

-

His feet were hooked around your ankles, holding your legs wide open. Not that you truly wanted to close them, but the throbbing ache between them was getting out of hand, and you were desperate for some release, some friction, anything. His hands travelled up your bare thighs, slowly, and you gritted your teeth. Soft, feather-light brushes of his fingertips were followed by long, luxurious strokes of his palms.

With a sigh, you rolled your head back, resting it on his shoulder. He trailed open-mouthed kisses down your neck, teeth gently grazing your shoulder. His chest was warm against your back, and you could feel the definite proof of his own arousal digging into your skin.

His hands inched closer and closer, warming up your inner thighs with their leisurely strokes and gentle caresses. Your eyes fluttered shut. There was nothing better than the anticipation of it all. Even though you wanted him right then and there, there was something about the teasing, the slowness, that made every touch burn.

And yet, your hips involuntarily bucked backwards, needing to be closer. His sharp inhale was muffled by the skin of your shoulder. On an unsteady exhale that fanned over your earlobe, he finally obliged you.

He slipped two fingers inside of you, making sure that his thumb brushed over the very place where you wanted it. A bolt of pleasure, sharp and hot and addicting, made you gasp as he began to rub firm circles with his thumb into that sensitive spot. Again and again. More.

With your eyes still closed, you turned your head to the side. Levi’s lips found your own.

-

You woke up with a shriek in your throat.

Panting as though you’d been running, you lurched forward, eyes popping out of your head. The sudden movement sliced through your abdomen. Putting a hand on your stomach, you stared into nothing as the horror of what happened dawned on you.

You had forgotten how – excitable you could get on your period.

Unbelieve.

Of course it had to be a dream about Levi. Out of all the people in this damn world, it had be Captain Levi. The universe must have been playing some sick joke on you in your sorry state.

It was so vivid, the dream, you could still almost feel his hands on your thighs, his breath on your neck, his lips on yours.

And it was like a dam had broken because your hormonal brain was already conjuring up different scenarios with Levi as the main character, and you didn’t even have time to stop it. You pictured your hands running down his chest, exploring how strong he was up close. Your teeth tugging on his bottom lip before you kissed him properly, deeply. Your bare legs straddling his thighs, and him looking up at you, not expressionless for once. You wondered what kinds of sounds he would make, how soft his lips were, how he liked to be kissed and touched and pleasured.

Stop that.

You put your head in your hands, desperately trying to regain a semblance of composure. You couldn’t believe that a mere dream lead you down this road of disturbingly graphic fantasies.

Warmth rushed into your face, and through the foolish images came the burning feeling of shame.

He was your superior officer, someone you should certainly not be drooling over. Maybe he was your friend, as well, but the jury was still out on that one. And he was still an asshole most of the time, not something you should forget. The bottom line was, you had no right to think of him in such a way, especially knowing how disgusted he would surely be if he ever caught whiff of these odd little fantasies of yours.

You reminded yourself of a few terms you’ve clearly forgotten about. Professionalism. Friendship. Respect.

As if on cue – a knock on your door.

A glance at the window revealed that it was almost sundown. It was probably Jessie and Rae coming over to eat dinner together and hang out. Heaving a sigh, you called, “Come on in!”

-

Levi pressed the door handle down with his elbow, pushing the door open with his foot, carefully balancing the mugs in his hands.

She was in bed, in the middle of rubbing her eyes, a deep sigh leaving her lips. When she looked up at him she seemed to freeze, her eyes widening. Her hands fell limply into her lap.

Levi hesitated for a moment, then walked over to her. “I bring news. And tea,” he said curtly, acutely aware that he, in fact, did not need to be here, in her room. He somehow convinced himself that she needed to see the formation plans right this instant, and that he needed to be the one to deliver the news, but now he realized the undeniable truth of his foolish actions.

As he leaned over her to place a mug on her bedside table, she leaned backwards until her back hit the headboard. She was looking everywhere but at him, and her knuckles were white from fisting the blankets thrown over her legs. The tips of her ears were bright red. She looked so – guilty?

He narrowed his eyes. Why would she feel guilty? What had she done? He quickly scanned her room, finding nothing but a surprisingly clean floor and neatly organized clothes peeking out of her bag. Papers and pens were pushed to the left side of her desk, the inkpots closed, dip pens left to dry.

Eyeing her carefully, he didn’t note anything out of the ordinary. Her features were softened by sleep, hair a little messy, legs hidden under a thick blanket. All seemed well. Then why had she appeared utterly mortified when she saw him? Levi’s shoulders wanted to rise, defensively, but he forced them to still. If she didn’t want him here, he’d leave in a moment. He wasn't sure if he'd done something else to upset her, or if she simply tired of his presence.

Perhaps it was something else entirely. Even with no proof to back him up, he felt the need to analyze her, beyond certain that she was hiding something - perhaps not important for the Scouting Regiment, but important nonetheless.

More often than not, he was fine with minding his own business. He wondered why he couldn't do that when it came to her.

“Thanks,” the mapmaker said, her voice slightly higher than usual. She was still stubbornly avoiding his gaze.

Pulling a piece of paper from his pocket, he held it out to her. She blinked and reached for it, but when she tugged he didn’t let go. She was forced to meet his eyes, albeit reluctantly. “Are you all right?” he asked, not bothering to hide the suspicion lacing his tone.

“Mhm.” She cleared her throat. “Yes. Great.”

He released his hold on the paper. She looked over it, tracing her finger over the entirety of the formation and stopping on a small square with the word medics written on it. “Is this a good position? I really have no idea.”

“It’s safe enough, if that’s what you’re asking,” he said.

She tapped the Special Operations Squad box in the right flank. “This is where you’ll be?”

He hummed. That was absolutely not where he would be, but he had orders to follow.

“Well, thanks for letting me know,” she said. She looked up at him again, seemingly more at ease. “Was there anything else?”

“Are you feeling better?” he asked, if only to prolong the conversation.

“I am.”

“Then we’ll continue training tomorrow. At dawn. Don’t forget.”

The corner of her mouth quirked. “I won’t forget. I’ve literally never forgotten about our trainings. You don’t need to remind me.”

But I’ve been looking for an excuse to talk to you for three days, and I couldn’t think of anything.

Levi nodded. It was time for him to take his leave, he had finished what he intended to do, however unnecessary the task had been. But before he could turn around, she nodded towards the foot of her bed. “Want to sit for a bit?” she asked.

Surprised at the offer, he slowly sat on the very edge of her bed. He turned towards her and found her sternly staring at the cup dangling from his fingertips. She glanced at the bedsheets around him.

He clicked his tongue. “I won’t spill.”

She didn’t look convinced.

The mapmaker was clearly over whatever was bothering her before. She brought her knees to her chest and grabbed the mug he had brought for her, taking a sip. Content, she held the mug with both hands, close to her chest. “So,” she said. “What’s it been like, not seeing my pretty face first thing in the morning for three whole days?”

Dull. “A welcome break,” he said flatly, the words coming as easy as ever.

She laughed, not at all offended. “Well, I’m sorry to say that your break ends tomorrow.”

“Your room is clean,” he mused.

“Even by your impossible standards?”

“Don’t get too excited. There’s some dust on the top of the window frame.”

“Who the hell cleans the top of their window frame?”

“People who want their space to be clean.”

She rolled her eyes.

Levi wondered how she was so good at this – talking, and making him talk back.

He sipped his tea. “It’s almost dinner time. Are Compson and Fairs picnicking in your room again?

“No, I think I’ll come down to dinner tonight.”

Levi found himself glad that he wouldn’t be sitting next to a glaringly empty chair again. But all he said was, “Then you’ll be lucky enough to hear all about how Oluo was the one who caught tonight’s dinner.”

Chapter Text

“I don’t get it.”

Following the sound of Jessie’s muffled voice unsurprisingly led you to the infirmary. You cracked the door open, stepping inside.

Jessie and Rae had the formation plans in front of them, which they had been given either last night or early this morning. Your own copy was in your room, sitting on your desk, the edges already creased from how many times you had looked over the plans, noting where every familiar name was positioned. Not that you knew much about it, but every time you saw one of Eren’s friends placed somewhere on the outskirts of the formation, your heart dropped.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” you said, your breathing still irregular. “Training was prolonged.” You barely had time to stop by the well to drink some water and wash your face, before rushing over to the castle for medical training. There wasn’t even enough time for you to change out of your ODM gear.

Jessie waved a hand. “Doesn’t matter. Come look.” He spread his own formation plan next to Rae’s copy. “Notice something strange?”

At first, you didn’t. They looked identical, except – “The Special Operations Squad,” you said.

On Jessie’s plan, the Levi Squad was positioned right next to the Command Squad, at the very front of the formation. But on Rae’s plan they were in the middle of the left flank, behind what was termed the enemy detection boxes. “On my copy they’re in right flank.”

Jessie threw his hands in the air, turning to Rae. “See? They’re up to something!”

Sighing, Rae pressed her thumb between her brows. Judging by her exasperated face, you assumed this conversation had been in progress long before you arrived. “They’re not up to anything. Isn’t it clear? They simply don’t want people knowing where the Levi Squad is positioned.”

That would mean that everyone received a slightly different plan. But people would surely catch on, as you had.

“But why?” exclaimed Jessie. “Why can’t we know?”

Rae shrugged. This didn’t seem to bother her at all. “I don’t know. Commander Erwin’s orders, surely.”

You, on the other hand, were quite bothered, and you couldn’t even say why. What difference would it make, knowing where Levi was positioned? When you left the safety of Wall Rose, it would be you, Jessie and Rae against whatever hell awaited. He couldn’t protect you out there, you were well aware, and he shouldn’t, not when someone as important as Eren was right there.

And yet, your stomach twisted with distress.

A knock on the door sounded.

Helga, the woman that had twisted her ankle a few days ago, stumbled into the infirmary. She was walking better already, but still heavily favoring her other leg. “I’m here for my check-up,” she said with a smile. “And I’ve also brought another patient. I hope that’s all right.”

A man peeked out from behind her, sniffing loudly. His nose was beet-red and his eyes were bloodshot with the beginnings of a cold, or hay fever, perhaps.

“Of course,” said Jessie. “Come on in, you two.”

“Jessie,” you said. “I know I was already late, but could you excuse me for a couple more minutes?”

He shrugged and shooed you away, attention trained on his patients. You rushed out the infirmary at almost a manic pace, your feet moving faster than your frazzled mind.

You found Levi outside, elbow-deep in laundry.

You stopped dead in your tracks, stunned by the unexpected sight in front of you. Captain Levi sat on an upturned wooden crate, his knees spread wide apart as he rubbed someone’s cloak between soapy fingers. He dipped the cloak into a bucket of water until the bubbles disappeared, then gingerly placed it on a growing pile behind him. The sleeves of his white shirt were rolled up high. His hair fell into his eyes as he leaned over the bucket again to rinse off his hands.

Even though you knew he did chores just like the rest of the Scouts, this was still a strange image. Perhaps you’d unconsciously assumed that he spent most of the day simply brooding.

He felt you staring, but all you got in return was a brief, flat look.

You forced your legs to work and carry you over to him.

“Do you have a minute?”

He nodded at the pile of old crates beside him. You dragged one until it was positioned across from him. He spared you another fleeting glance as you sat down on the half-rotten wood, your feet on either side of his bucket. The bubbles caught the afternoon Sun, slowly floating through the fresh-smelling water.

Before you could utter a word, he asked, “Have you been cleaning your gear?”

“I’m supposed to clean it?”

Levi’s lips curled. He extended a wet hand. “Give it here.”

You shook your head. “I can clean it myself later. I didn’t know I was supposed to.”

He kept his hand outstretched, his glare steadfast. A few beats passed, and when you began to feel uncomfortable was when you sighed and began unclasping the straps around your legs. Your fingers worked quickly until you placed the entirety of your ODM gear bundle into his hand.

Reaching behind him, Levi grabbed some cloth and a small bottle. The sharp sting of vinegar bit your nostrils. You propped your chin onto your fist, your elbow digging into your knee as you watched his hands glide over the leather straps of your uniform. He cleaned them with the vinegar solution, then brushed them dry with a fresh piece of cloth, all with meticulous, quiet precision.

Reminding yourself of why you had even sought him out in the first place, you said, “I noticed something interesting about our formation plans.”

All he said was, “Hmm?”

“Is there a reason why none of us are allowed to know where your squad will be positioned?”

He didn’t bother denying it. “That’s a question for Erwin, not me.”

You scoffed. “The Commander would never speak to me about such matters.”

“And you think I would?”

Well. All right. “I’m hopeful,” you muttered, suddenly realizing how stupid it was to try to get answers out of him. In fact, you would probably have more luck with Commander Erwin himself.

“I’m sorry to disappoint,” Levi said, not sounding sorry at all.

You couldn’t be fully honest with him, but you should be honest with yourself, at least. Even though you knew it was implausible and selfish, you wanted him to be nearby on the day of the expedition. Who better to protect you than humanity’s strongest soldier? You had never seen him in action, but you had heard the stories, how he was stronger than a whole brigade, the biggest asset the Scouts had. The more you learned about Titans from Hange’s books, the more you were beginning to feel like a fool for thinking that you could do this.

Tempting fate, that was what you were doing.

You were a destitute child turned Mitras brat.

What made you think you could join the Survey Corps and live to tell the tale?

“No one is forcing you to go.”

“What?”

“No one is forcing you to go on the expedition,” Levi said. He was still cleaning your gear, but his gaze was firmly set on you now. A strand of hair fell close to his left eye. “You can go and tell Erwin you’re quitting right now, and he wouldn’t try to stop you. If that’s what you want.”

Briefly, you toyed with the idea, but you knew you could never do that. The dream you had, the outside world underneath your ink-painted fingertips. Your name signed at the bottom of a map of a whole other world.

The world your mother loved enough to die for it laid outside the Walls.

“No,” you said. “I still want to see the outside world. I want to be the one who maps it. And –” You faltered, not certain how to voice everything else you were feeling.

“And?” he prompted.

“And I don’t want this past month to go to waste.” Everything you’ve learned about ODM gear and first-aid and Titans. You wanted it to mean something. You wanted to do something good, something useful.

“Is that all?”

“Yes.”

Levi’s hands slowly came to a halt, the vinegar-soaked cloth resting limply against the leather of your ODM gear. Suddenly, he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He tilted his head to the side slightly, eyes half-closed, examining you carefully. Looking for a kind of honesty you couldn’t offer.

Unfortunately, you had no idea what your face was doing. He wasn’t even that close, but your spine locked up. It was a familiar, delicious edge, this stillness that usually preceded very interesting events. But this was Levi, meaning that this horrible reaction of yours was wildly inappropriate. Nothing would happen.

His eyes were a light blue instead of their usual stormy gray. You forced yourself to not lean backwards. Or forward.

“You want to know what I think?” he asked.

His low, conspiratorial voice made you remember your recent dream and the invasive thoughts that followed it, and your heartbeat dropped between your legs. Professionalism. Friendship. Respect. Goddammit.

Living in Mitras made acting easy. It was a necessary defense, especially for someone who didn’t belong there. You forced yourself to lift a brow, to remain impassive. “I’m sure you’ll tell me either way.”

“I think you want to be everything, all at once.”

You frowned. “What does that mean?”

“A mapmaker. A medic. A soldier. You want to be all those things equally. Why?”

Because for more than half of my life, I never thought I could be anything.

“I’m a mapmaker,” you said slowly. “That’s my job. You ordered me to undergo ODM training and medical training, remember?”

Two statues, half-arguing in voices that barely rose above whispers.

Ridiculous. Your hand itched to brush the hair from his eyes.

“I can’t speak for your medical training, but from what I’ve seen at our ODM trainings, what you want from it is more than survival. Am I right?”

“What’s wrong with enjoying our trainings? Or wanting to master ODM gear? I thought that’s what I’m supposed to do.”

“What’s wrong is that you forget yourself.” He leaned back, straightening. You should be grateful – in a way, you were. “You shouldn’t forget that you’re here primarily to map out our routes. We don’t need you playing soldier. We would appreciate you helping the medics, but what we really want from you are military maps.”

“This again? I already told you, you don’t need to worry about my maps. I assure you that you will be more than satisfied with them.” That was the only thing you could confidently promise.

The knuckles of his hands, still clutching your gear and the cleaning supplies, were white.

After a brief silence, you asked, “You want to hear another curious thing I’ve noticed?”

If you weren’t paying an obscene amount of attention, you wouldn’t have noticed the smallest twitch of his lips. “I’m sure you’ll tell me either way,” he said, parroting your words from just a few moments ago.

This strange conversation was going to give you whiplash.

“You haven’t interrogated me in a while, Captain. You starting to trust me?”

“I want to trust you,” he said, surprising you.

“You can,” you said, truly hoping he would. You wanted him to.

“Don’t you have medical training? Go. You’ll get your gear tomorrow.”

The word rang as clear as if he'd said it. Dismissed. “Thank you for cleaning it,” you muttered quietly, leaving him to his chores.

For the rest of the afternoon, you mulled over everything he’d said.

Every road led to Eren. He was the answer to everything. The Levi Squad was tasked with protecting him, that much was clear. But all of the Scouts – most people inside the Walls, actually – already knew about his strange Titan abilities. It wasn’t his secret they were trying to hide.

It was someone else’s.

You weren’t sure if Levi was right about you wanting to be a mapmaker, a soldier, and a medic all at once. There was a strange urge inside of you, something that pulled you in every direction, eager to always do more. But that had always been there. Truth was, you had no idea what you wanted anymore. It was hard to think about long-term goals when you could feel the shadow of Death looming over you, its foul breath hot on your neck, patiently waiting for the perfect moment to make you pay for your arrogance.

-

As the day of the expedition inched closer, Jessie felt a familiar curl of fear making a home in his gut. It was the kind of fear that made you shit bricks, the fear that made you write long letters back home, hoping for forgiveness and understanding, the fear that made you want to give up and hide from your responsibilities.

Jessie was desperate for entertainment and, surprisingly, Captain Levi turned out to be an absolute comedian.

Everyone seemed to hate the times Section Commander Hange joined them for dinner, which is exactly why Jessie loved those days. Not only was he genuinely interested in Hange’s wicked intelligence and endless ramblings about Titans, but he adored how everyone huffed in frustration and shifted in their seats, glaring daggers at the Section Commander, or even left the table altogether. It seemed that only he and the mapmaker gladly listened to them.

Tonight, Hange had come over and pulled a chair next to the mapmaker, even though there was clearly no room on that side of the table. The mapmaker shifted her chair towards Captain Levi, who did not shift his chair towards Gunther. Jessie instantly spotted this little act of defiance and devoted all his attention to the three people sandwiched in front of him.

He thought this whole situation looked promising, a welcome distraction. And he was right, as always.

The mapmaker turned towards Hange, staring at the brilliant scientist, slightly starstruck. Jessie could hardly blame her. “Would that mean that fire can’t kill Titans?” she asked with keen interest.

Before Hange could get a word out, the Captain snapped, “And how do you suggest we test that theory?”

Hange nodded. “Sadly, he’s right. There’s simply no way for us to safely perform such an experiment.”

“I assumed safety was not something you much cared for, Hange,” the mapmaker teased and the Section Commander laughed merrily. Jessie absentmindedly grinned. Hange’s laugh was contagious. “What about some other substances? Something radioactive, perhaps.”

The Captain piped in again, drawling, “I have to wonder if you truly wish for all of our comrades to die a horrible death.”

The mapmaker ignored him because Hange mused, “That actually might produce interesting results. Oh, I do wonder how a few drops of a radioactive substance on their skin would compare to injecting it into their bodies!”

Next to Jessie, Rae grimaced. She was eating dangerously quickly in a desperate attempt to leave the dining hall as soon as possible. Jessie scooped a piece of meat from his plate into hers, earning a glare in lieu of a response.

The mapmakers eyes widened. “The effect on their insides would be catastrophic, surely?”

“This conversation is catastrophic,” muttered Levi, and was ignored once again.

Jessie hid his smirk behind his mug as the Captain’s frown deepened. This is theatre.

Most of the dinner had sailed by in a similar fashion. Whenever Levi would try to insert himself into their conversation with an insult or a sharp remark, the mapmaker would pay him no heed and his expression would only sour further. Jessie wondered if the Captain was upset with the mapmaker or Hange or himself. Or absolutely everyone and everything in this world.

The Captain had never uttered so many words in one night, as far as Jessie knew.

Not only was Jessie a doctor, taught to notice the smallest signs of distress and detect invisible pain beneath the skin’s surface, he was also endlessly bored, and incredibly invested in this month-long mating dance of theirs, which is why he was able to notice the Captain’s various forms of scowls and sneers and frowns.

He decided to give them a little push, the kindest, friendliest thrust towards each other, since Levi’s pathetic attempts to grab the mapmaker’s attention were hopelessly failing.

“There’s only a bit more tea left, it seems,” he said loudly. “It’s up for grabs.”

It took a few minutes for his plan to work, but it was well worth it.

The universe must have been in a good mood tonight, because it all panned out perfectly.

The Captain and the mapmaker both reached towards the teapot at the same time, her distracted by Hange’s continuous babbling about Titan intestines and their saliva. Their hands collided in front of the teapot, fingers awkwardly bunched together.

The mapmaker blinked in confusion and slowly retracted her hand. “Sorry. You go ahead, Captain.”

A muscle in Levi’s temple twitched as she promptly returned to her conversation with the Section Commander.

Just when Jessie thought all hope was lost, the Captain pleasantly surprised him. Maybe there is a brain under those pretty bangs of his. Levi grabbed the teapot and poured both himself and the mapmaker a half-cup of tea.

The sound of liquid swishing in front of her drew her attention and, when she realized what had happened, she finally looked at Levi properly, her expression softening. “Thank you,” she said, slightly stunned. But now Levi was the one stubbornly avoiding her gaze, evidently fascinated by a spot on the table.

Jessie wondered if anyone else felt the sexual tension.

To him, it was as clear as day. The air between them was so thick he could probably spread it on bread.

He knew Rae had noticed, at least, which meant he wasn’t mad, or blind.

“You noticed it, too, right?” he had asked his young apprentice some days ago when the mapmaker had gone out to get herself a glass of water. “Please, tell me you’ve noticed. He babbles to her like a damn wind-up toy.”

Rae had glanced at the closed infirmary door, then at the windows. “I have noticed,” she’d admitted, her voice barely above a whisper, as if she feared that Captain Levi might be lurking in the shadows. “But I don’t think it’s about how much he talks to her.”

“What, then?”

“It’s the way he looks at her,” she’d said, somehow sounding equally disapproving and touched. “He stares at her wherever she goes, so intensely. It’s like –”

She had faltered for a moment, fingers grasping onto air to catch the right word.

Rae had put it into words much better than he ever could have.

“His eyes are greedy for the sight of her.”

Chapter Text

What am I doing here?

The question burned sharp in your mind, almost mocking you with how hard it was to answer.

The days had gone by in a blur and, before you had a chance to comprehend it, it was time to leave for Karanes, the district where you would spend one last night before embarking on the expedition.

You had visited Karanes once, a few years ago, when you came to map it out. You’d spent a month in its bustling streets with strange names, dancing around transport wagons that carried the wealthiest and produce stands that fed the poorest. The quiet churches and roaring pubs and busy markets, all of that and more you’d carefully mapped out as you traveled through the district. What you remembered most clearly was that Karanes was always brimming with unreserved, kind people.

The arrival of the Survey Corps changed that.

You were sitting on the edge of a four-horse cart, your legs swinging in the air, as you passed through the deadly quiet streets. You saw people drawing their curtains, pulling their children inside hastily, lest they should get a glimpse of the soldiers passing through their town.

You looked over your shoulder at Rae, who was holding the reins, her back straight as an arrow. “Is this the usual warm welcome you receive?” you asked, your voice uncomfortably loud in the stifling silence.

“People don’t tend to like us very much,” she called back. More quietly, she added, “I can’t say I blame them.”

The Survey Corps have led plenty of young people to their deaths with not much to show for it. There was always a debate going on about whether they were brave and noble, or foolish and ignorant. You wanted to believe the former, but your stomach was twisting with nerves, the eerie silence making you question everything you thought you knew. The decisions you made, everything that led you to this point in time.

What am I doing here?

Jessie was kneeling next to the supplies you had packed away in crates. His lips were moving quickly as he whispered, “Bandages. Ginger. Tourniquets. Scalpels. Distilled alcohol. Fuck me. Suture needles. Salve. Morphine.”

“Need some help?”

His smile didn’t reach his eyes. “No, I’m good, just double-checking that we’ve brought everything.”

You had checked your own supplies plenty of times. A big notebook, some additional rolls of paper, a couple of dip pens. That was all you would need, besides observant eyes and a quick hand.

You pulled out one of the smaller rolls of paper, ignoring the inquisitive eyes of the Scouts riding behind the medical cart. Flattening the paper over your knees, you began to write.

It was likely that you weren’t the only one.

-

Dear Wendy,

It’s finally here, the day of the expedition, and I feel like my head is going to explode. I worry that I will forget everything I had been taught in my medical training classes, or that I will absolutely freeze should I see a Titan coming towards me. I'm terrified. I'm prepared, I think. I’ve worked my ass off this past month and had truly incredible teachers and trainers to help me along the way. I’ve already told you everything about them (Jessie is still hoping to meet you and exchange gossip! A match made in Heaven waiting to happen) so I will keep this short. I only thought writing to you would calm me down a bit. And it has. Even when you are so far away, you bring me so much comfort.

Thank you for everything.

Expect a much longer letter after we return from the expedition. I suspect I will have a lot of thoughts and feelings then. I hope they do not burden you.

I love you.

-

Father,

I hope you’re well.

I’m not sure if you want to hear from me, but I can’t bring myself to care too much. I want to write to you, even if you don’t write back.

I know I’ve hurt you by leaving, but you know me, you’ve molded me into the man I am today. Frankly, you should have expected this – what had you called it? Suicide diving into a Titan’s mouth? Poetic. I clearly get my eloquence from you.
Joining the Survey Corps means that I can truly make a difference in this pathetic little world of ours. I want to feel like my skills are useful. I want to help people. You know this all too well. I don’t deserve your anger, but I understand it. I know you’re worried, but I’ll be fine.

I won’t apologize again.

Take care.

Jess

P.S. If you wish to see me again at some point, I would like to bring two people for you to meet. New friends of mine. They’re not my usual crowd, thank the nonexistent God above. They’re good people. You would like them. I sure do.

-

My love Adam,

I can’t see you tonight. This is hard enough already. You know I hate the day before.

I’m sorry.

Please, be careful tomorrow. Don’t try to be a hero. Just survive.

Rae

Chapter Text

“A word of advice,” said Rae as you wandered through the bleak corridors of the Survey Corps’ Karanes Headquarters. The russet carpets were already covered in mud from all the soldiers that have passed through, carrying supplies and weapons. Levi was going to have a stroke. “If you want to visit someone tonight, knock. Don’t go bursting into people’s rooms.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Jessie, dragging his feet idly.

She grimaced. “Just – people tend to get emotional the night before an expedition. You never know what you might find if you walk into someone’s room unannounced.”

Jessie stopped dead in his tracks. “You’re saying everyone is going to be having sex tonight,” he concluded loudly, causing a few horrified looks to be thrown his way. He grinned widely.

The way Rae shifted her feet and avoided eye contact was confirmation enough. She hesitated, then mumbled, “It’s almost a tradition at this point.”

“There are far worse traditions,” Jessie said as the three of you continued the search for your respective rooms. You had to agree.

“I assume you found out about this little tradition the hard way, Rae,” you teased.

“You assume correctly,” she grumbled, her scowl almost as stern as Levi’s.

You and Jessie burst out laughing. The tightness in your chest eased slightly.

As if on cue, a low, muffled moan sounded from a room nearby.

You only laughed harder. “Already? We just got here!”

“Who would want to waste time?” Jessie asked, endlessly amused by Rae’s mortified look.

You were still chuckling when you managed to find your room. Upon entering, you opened the windows and placed your ODM gear trunk on the floor before throwing yourself onto the bed. A dull, musty smell hung in the air, and you wished you had some of Levi’s cleaning supplies on hand. There would be no point in cleaning, though. You would only be here for one night.

My last night.

You buried your face into the pillow. You were waiting for the thoughts to return.

Over the last week or so, they became more frequent, unceasing to throw you into despair. As much as you reminded yourself that you would not be alone out there, that you had trained and learned and prepared, there was no stopping your heart’s fearful acceleration. All you could picture were a thousand different ways the expedition could go wrong. All it would take is one Abnormal sneaking into the center of the formation. You could be distracted, either by your own work or administering first-aid or helping Jessie in some other way, and it would all be over. Your life, gone in the wink of an eye.

You worried for the others, too.

Jessie was still not skilled at ODM gear, and you truly hoped that he would not need to use it tomorrow. He would have enough on his mind already. It hurt seeing him lose his spark these last few days. He tried to hide it, but he was terrified, too. You wanted to comfort him, but you didn’t even know how to comfort yourself.

Rae was a trained soldier, a true Scout who already had a few expeditions under her belt. You had never seen her in action, but you were certain that she was as calm and collected on the battlefield as she was when the stakes were not as high. Realistically, she was the most likely to survive out of your little team. You were glad.

Victor was a similar case to Rae. He was strong and, despite his childish sense of humor, intelligent. He had survived ten years as a Scout, so you imagined that he would be fine. He was positioned in a relay squad with two other soldiers you didn’t know, somewhere in the right flank, somewhat close to where you would be.

The Special Operations Squad was a group of the most elite soldiers, the best of the best. Eren would be safe in their more than capable hands. Oluo would relentlessly make fun of you for worrying about them. Still, you couldn’t help but fret.

Your thoughts drifted to where they wanted to linger. To him.

This may truly be your last night. You should tell him.

You wanted to tell him – what?

That he was the most difficult person you had ever met. That he was such a nuisance that he never left your thoughts. That, despite your best efforts, he had managed to slice his way into your life, where you selfishly wanted him to stay. That you had no choice but to want him, and not in a way that was remotely professional or friendly or respectful.

You wanted to thank him for the necklace.

And you almost went to do just that. Almost.

A different kind of fear kept you glued to your bed, wallowing in your own misery.

When someone gingerly knocked on your door, for the briefest of moments you thought it could be him, that he had something to tell you, too. But, as foolish as you were, you were not delusional. “Come in.”

Rae hesitantly walked in, holding a pair of scissors. “Are you busy tonight?” she asked, glancing around your room as if expecting a naked person to jump out of the shadows.

“Not at all. Why?”

“Could you give me a haircut?”

You sat up. “What? I’ve never given someone a haircut before. I don’t want to fuck up your hair.”

She shrugged, the scissors glinting in her hand. “I don’t need it to be perfect. Just shorter.”

“If you’re certain,” you said slowly. “I don’t mind doing it.”

She took a seat on the floor in-between your legs, her back to you, and handed you the scissors. Gently, you raked your fingers through her hair, distributing it so that it fell around her shoulders in mostly equal segments. “Last chance to back out.”

“Just above my shoulders, please,” she said politely.

You took a section of hair that fell beside her ear and carefully trimmed it. As you released it, it dropped an inch above her shoulder. You slowly went around her head, cutting blonde locks to a similar length. While it was certainly coming out slightly uneven, it didn’t look as bad as you worried it would.

After a period of peaceful silence, you asked, “Sleeping?”

“Hmm,” she said quietly. “Feels nice, being pampered.”

Without warning, your heart twisted with pain for this young girl, not for the first time. When was the last time she had allowed herself a moment to relax, a moment to be happy? A burning instinct to protect her seized you, even though you knew you never could. Even worse, she was supposed to protect you, should something happen out there, and you hated it.

“All done,” you said softly. “It is a little uneven, but not too bad, I think.”

“Thank you.”

An idea formed in your brain and, before you could think about it too long, you said, “Hey, could you do the same for me?”

“Cut your hair?” Rae leaned backwards to look at you.

“Yeah, if you don’t mind. I’d like a similar length as yours.”

You had noticed that most of the women in the Regiment sported similar hairstyles, their hair either cut close to their heads or given some leeway to brush their shoulders. They likely didn’t want it to get tangled in their ODM wires.

“No problem,” said Rae, and the two of you changed positions.

Rae’s hands were careful as they brushed through your hair. While you were sitting on the floor, the quiet sounds of scissors snapping filling your ears, you felt your eyelids involuntarily starting to drop. “This is nice,” you muttered. “We should make this a regular thing. Girls’ night. A reward for putting up with the men of the Regiment.”

It took her a moment too long to reply, “Agreed.”

The words she didn’t say sat heavily between you. If we survive tomorrow.

“Can we exclude Jessie from girls’ night, though?” Rae asked.

You cracked a smile. “He would be mortally offended.”

A deafeningly loud knock on the door made you flinch. Rae swore, and you assumed a singular lock of your hair would be significantly shorter than the rest.

“Are you having sex in there?” Jessie’s distinct voice inquired.

“Speak of the Devil,” you muttered before yelling, “No, Jessie. Come in.”

Awkward shuffling ensued before Jessie slowly made his way through the door, a wooden tray in his hands, three steaming cups of tea on it. “Listen,” he said, keeping the door open with his foot.

“Oh, my God.” You covered your mouth with your hand.

The unmistakable sound of people loudly having sex filled the hallway. You could very clearly hear moans and grunts and beds slamming into the worryingly frail, thin walls.

Jessie let the door close and mercifully muffle the sounds. “I thought you were exaggerating, Rae, but holy shit, these people are like rabbits. I guess certain death makes you go a little feral.”

With a tsk, Rae continued cutting your hair. Jessie handed you a cup of tea. “It’s chamomile, and I’ve added some valerian root and lavender to help us sleep tonight.”

“Thank you,” you said with a content sigh.

Jessie made himself comfortable on a small couch next to the bed, balancing his own cup of tea on his stomach. He didn’t say anything, only watched Rae trimming your hair with jaded eyes.

The silence between the three of you was comfortable, and even comforting. You’ve only known these people for a month, but it felt like they’ve been in your life much longer. Suddenly, you began to hopelessly wish that you met under different circumstances, where there wouldn’t have to be so much pent-up anxiety and fear and dread between you.

When Rae finished cutting your hair, it was just long enough to brush against your shoulders when you shook your head. “Thank you.” You hadn’t seen a broom anywhere, so the two of you kicked at the fallen strands of hair until you managed to gather them in a small pile in the corner of the room.

The tea Jessie brought warmed you up from the inside, and you felt yourself relax despite the pit in your stomach.

Jessie finally parted his lips to say something, but another knock at the door interrupted him.

Confused by your popularity this evening, you went to see who it was, cringing as you were met with the relentless sounds that filled the hallway.

Victor’s smiling face greeted you. “Hi.”

“Oh, hey,” you said, raising your voice to be heard over the sound of bed legs skidding across the floor and a loud wail – which you hoped was born out of pleasure.

Victor laughed. “Music to your ears, huh?”

“Is it really like this before every expedition?”

Victor nodded. “You never get used to it. Unless you’re participating in the tradition, I suppose.” His smile wavered as his expression changed, becoming more serious. “How are you?”

You didn’t feel the need to lie to him. “Shitting bricks.”

“Understandable. It would be more concerning if you weren’t afraid.”

You lowered your voice, and he leaned forward to be able to hear you. You asked him what you have been wondering for hours, days, maybe even your whole life. “You don’t think I’m a coward?”

“Of course not,” he said, frowning. “It’s not cowardly to want to live. The mere fact that you’re here, with us, getting ready to go into Titan territory tomorrow, shows nothing but bravery. You’re everything but a coward.”

You were slightly stunned when you felt the burn of tears at his familiar tone and kind words. Words you desperately wanted to hear. “Thank you, Victor.”

He reached forward and squeezed your shoulder. “I wanted to check up on you. And wish you luck for tomorrow.”

“Good luck to you, too.” You sniffed and gestured behind yourself. “Jessie and Rae are here with me. Do you want to join us?”

“I can’t. I have some plans to get back to.” You raised a brow, and he laughed, back to his regular old self. “Not those kinds of plans, sadly. Unless you’re interested –”

“Bye, Victor.”

With a final wink, he was off.

Exhaling loudly as you turned around, your hands went to your hips.

The smallest of smirks rested on Jessie’s lips. “Wrong soldier?”

You frowned, instantly on edge by his sudden change in mood. “What do you mean?”

“He’s the wrong soldier to visit you, isn’t he?”

“There isn’t a right one,” you said slowly, puzzled.

“Oh, really? And what would you do if Captain Levi walked through those doors right now and asked you to bed him?”

“To bed him?”

“Don’t avoid the question.” He wiggled his index finger at you knowingly, as if he had caught you in a lie.

You scoffed. “It’s such a ridiculous question that there really isn’t anything to say.”

“What, you don’t think the Captain could woo you?”

“Woo me? Seriously, what’s with the archaic phrases, Jessie?”

“You’re avoiding the question again!”

Exasperated, you offered a half-truth - your favorite kind of currency. “I don’t think he would want to woo me.”

His grin was face-splitting. “I disagree.”

You looked at Rae for moral support and got a sympathetic look. Jessie was about to push the issue further, his eyes wide with newfound excitement, but whatever he saw on your face made him falter. His wild expression softened, and he raised his hands in mock defeat, reaching for his tea again. The three of you quietly sipped your teas, each battling with their own anxieties, stewing over what might happen tomorrow. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

When Rae made a move to leave for the night, a rush of panic slammed into your chest, so violent that you couldn’t breathe for a moment.

You didn’t want to be alone.

“Why don’t you guys stay here for the night? There’s plenty of room.”

Rae merely nodded, heaving a sigh of relief, and Jessie said, “I’ll take the couch.”

You and Rae slipped into the double bed, and Jessie blew out the last of the candles before settling onto the couch with one of the old blankets. You simultaneously felt hot, constricted and weighted down by the blankets, and freezing cold, like your very bones were made of ice. Placing all your hopes into Jessie’s tea, hoping it would eventually silence your thoughts and lull you to sleep, you closed your eyes.

-

The words exchanged in the dark were quiet, shared secrets between three friends.

“I’m really afraid.”

“Me, too.”

“Me, too.”

“We might die tomorrow.”

“We might.”

“Let’s try not to, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“We’ll watch each other’s back.”

“And try to save as many people as possible.”

“I’ll try to draw a decent military map.”

“It’ll be the best damn map ever.”

“I’m glad I’ll be with you guys tomorrow.”

“Me, too.”

“Me, too.”

-

Levi knew he wouldn’t sleep, so he didn’t even try.

He had pestered the owner of a nearby pub until the man, resigned, gave him some cleaning supplies. They were less than satisfactory, but at least he had something to do now, even though he suspected he wouldn’t even be in his own room much longer.
He vented out his frustration with each swipe of the broom.

There was so much that could go wrong tomorrow.

Eren was as much a liability as ever, a reckless teenager, and Levi didn’t like that his team had to have such a ticking time-bomb on their hands – capable as those hands were. He was beginning to trust the kid, at least. He could certainly see Eren’s dedication to the cause, mostly because the brat never shut up about how he would kill all the Titans with his bare hands. Tiring, but inspiring, too, Levi supposed.

And that damn mole in their ranks. Levi trusted Erwin’s plan for sniffing out the little traitor and capturing them, but he hated that he had such a small part to play. Protecting Eren was important, he was well aware, but he couldn’t help but feel useless. And a little bit like a traitor himself, despite his best efforts. It wasn’t hard for the rest of the Scouts to figure out that his squad’s location would be kept a secret. He could feel their wary eyes on his back wherever he passed. Annoying. This was Erwin’s doing, not his.

He grabbed the sponge to scrub the old wooden table, decorated by some coffee stains. Disgusting.

Not surprisingly, his thoughts sneaked towards the one place they shouldn’t. To her.

He scrubbed with more force, his frustration growing. Why? Why couldn’t he stop thinking about her?

She was beautiful. Levi hated to think about it, yet he thought about it often. He wasn’t sure if that was an objective truth or his own subjective opinion, but he couldn’t do any more mental gymnastics to convince himself that he didn’t find her lovely. Sometimes, when they were silently drinking tea, it was a mere observation. Other times, when they were training, it was a bothersome distraction, since he often had to pretend he hadn’t almost slammed into a tree because she grinned at him.

What, then? Did he think about her because he found her attractive?

Because he was so eager to get into bed with someone that he merely latched his foolish fantasies onto her?

He threw the sponge back into the bucket, hating the splash it produced.

No, that wasn’t all. This pull that he felt towards her, whatever it was, wasn’t something he could fix with his own hand. He had tried.

Reluctantly, in the privacy of this musty room in the Scouts’ Karanes Headquarters, Levi allowed himself one more kernel of truth. He enjoyed her company, thoroughly, whether they were training or eating dinner or seeking each other out for whatever reason.

However, whenever he looked at her, he still felt like a piece of the puzzle was missing, like she was hiding something deep inside of herself. Even though it was likely none of his business, he wondered what her secret was, what had shaped her to be so kind and funny and eager to learn anything and everything that she could.

Levi hoped to a God he didn’t believe in that she would survive tomorrow’s expedition. Even though he desperately wanted to be the one to protect her, to make sure that not a single hair on that pretty little head of hers was harmed, he had to believe that other Scouts would. He felt utterly useless once more, and he hated it.

For a moment, he closed his eyes, willing the storm inside of him to calm. That was quite enough for tonight.

He went to find Erwin and Hange, two more souls who wouldn’t sleep tonight.

Chapter Text

Hoping to recoup is what ruins the gambler.

Erwin had heard the saying before. He mulled over it now, gently dragging a finger over the rim of his cup of tea, feeling the warmth of it on his hand. He was a natural risk-taker, a man willing to sacrifice almost everything he had – but did he know when to cut his losses? When the consequences of his actions became too adverse? Tomorrow, if his plan proved futile, would he know when to turn back, with his tail between his legs? He wasn’t sure.

The beginnings of a headache sneaked between his eyes. Hardly surprising. He had been staring at ink-covered pages for most of the day, ever since they arrived at the Karanes Headquarters. His formation plans and the map of the Walls. He was certain both were engraved into his brain by now.

Somewhere inside the Walls, there was a person who wanted to destroy them from within. Hange’s dead test subjects were proof enough of that. Someone wanted to slow down their progress, prevent them from learning about Titans. Why? Because they either worked closely with Titans, or were a Titan themselves. A shifter, like Eren Jaeger. An overlooked player.

A traitor.

Erwin paused, the tip of his finger almost touching the scalding hot tea. One person couldn’t have done so much damage by themselves. He had toyed with the idea before, but now, with Death looking over his shoulder, it became glaringly clear. Their little mole had accomplices, friends, most likely inside the Walls, too. Erwin felt the smallest twinge of panic before he firmly pushed it away. One problem at a time. They couldn’t do much else before they uncovered the identity of the person who killed Hange’s Titans. The person who would hopefully strike again tomorrow.

A morbid sense of disgust overtook him. Hopefully? He could almost feel the icy cold fingers of Death on his neck, mocking him. This wasn’t an unfamiliar presence in his life and line of work, but it still unnerved him.

The map of the Walls drew his attention again and his eyes landed on the name in the corner. A new player in this decade-old game. A civilian and, according to Hange, the best mapmaker within the Walls. Her maps were excellent, sure, but that wasn’t all Erwin needed from her. She would need to work well under pressure, on a moving cart, in Titan territory. To balance stifling her own fear and helping the doctor, as well as doing her primary job of drawing them a proper military map.

If she couldn’t do that, he had no use for her.

Levi spoke of her with some reservations, but assured him that she had mastered using ODM gear. Those reservations Erwin had instantly noticed, but didn’t comment on.

The doctor, on the other hand, was less of a gamble. Erwin was prepared to entrust the lives of his subordinates into his hands, especially since he knew Rae Fairs would be by his side. The young Scout was more than capable of keeping him in check. She was truly dedicated to the cause, strong and persistent and reliable. A perfect soldier.

Pinching the bridge of his nose briefly, Erwin glanced up, hoping to draw some strength and resolve from the people around him.

Hange had a book open in their lap, but Erwin hadn’t heard the leafing of pages for a long time. Levi was staring out the window, a thoughtful look on his face. They all had cups of tea in front of them, but only Levi was actively drinking it.

Erwin was comforted by their stoic presence. If he had to step down into hell, he was selfishly glad that they would follow him. He did not want to be alone.

He could feel thousands of eyes on his back. Eyes of folks withing the Walls, angry that he was depleting their budget and suspicious of what came of all his efforts. Eyes of hurt parents and disappointed lovers. Eyes of ghosts, comrades they had lost, people who had died for him and his vision.

Hange’s hopeful gaze.

Levi’s dubious glare.

Death’s restless stare.

Chapter Text

“This jacket is so stupid.”

“Right?” exclaimed Jessie. “It doesn’t even cover your kidneys.”

“Excellent point. What if we catch a cold?”

“Do we have to wear them, Rae?”

The young Scout already looked exhausted by your mere presence, and the Sun had barely risen, hidden behind pale clouds. Her knuckles went white as she tightened her hold on the reins. “Yes. It’s our uniform,” she said curtly.

Jessie huffed, frowning. “You’re only all right with this jacket because you have that cool cape on. Whereas we will not only get sick, but look incredibly stupid doing it!”

You strongly agreed. The strange light brown half-jacket was undoubtably the worst part of your attire. You kept tugging on it, as if that could make it longer. The weight of your ODM gear was familiar and even comforting, although you were not entirely used to the blade-holders yet. You glanced at the sword hilts that peaked out, hoping to any God that would listen that you would not have to reach for them today at all. You were not ready for that.

You ran your fingers over the stethoscope around your neck. Under your shirt, you could feel the tiny compass cooling the already freezing skin of your chest.

What am I doing here?

You sat on the edge of the cart, swinging your legs as you watched the Scouts mounting their horses, talking quietly, sharpening their blades which produced horrific screeching sounds. To your utter surprise, a big part of the Regiment seemed to be following through with last night’s festivities. Hands were briefly held, quick kisses shared, longing glances lingered.

Not for the first time, you recalled Rae’s words. A few fleeting moments of happiness aren’t worth the pain that comes after you lose your person. It seemed that the Scouts had a hard time following their own rules. Even though this was none of your business, you were glad, in some strange way. The conflicted affection on a lot of the Scouts’ faces made them seem more human.

The cart beneath you jerked as Rae led you into your position within the formation. Then you stopped again, waiting for the Karanes gate to open. You hoped it would take its sweet time.

“New haircut?”

A familiar voice made you look up with surprise. Levi tugged on his horse’s reins, pulling up to a stop next to you.

This could be the last time you ever saw him. If that was the case, you wanted to remember him as he looked now – back as straight as an arrow, face deathly calm, determined, blades glinting on his thighs. Greedy, foolish, you took in the sight of his near-black hair falling into his blue-gray eyes, the sharp dip of his chin, the thin curve of his eyebrows. You felt like you were stealing his features, pocketing them like the thief you still were.

“Just trying to fit in,” you said softly.

“I have something that might help with that.”

He handed you a bundle of soft green fabric. A quiet gasp stumbled out of your throat. You shook the cloak out and examined it, a brand new feeling bubbling up in your chest, one you couldn’t name. It was the same dark green cape that he and all the other Scouts wore, except yours didn’t have the Wings of Freedom on the back. You threw it over your shoulders and clasped it closed.

Levi hurled a similar bundle somewhere behind you, presumably at Jessie.

“There’s no insignia so you’re easier to pick out,” he said. “It lets all soldiers in the area know that you’re not combat trained and need help in case of an emergency.”

“Thank you.”

Levi looked at you for a long moment, his face unreadable. Finally, he said, “Stay alive, mapmaker. That’s an order.”

There was an ache in your chest, a lump in your throat. You forced a brave smile onto your face, hoping it looked at least somewhat convincing. You pressed the back of your right fist to your heart, folding your left arm behind your back. Saluting him with a soldier’s respect for the first time. “Be safe, Captain.”

A shadow passed over his face, but then he tersely nodded and turned to leave without another word.

He went back to join his team, who you’d failed to notice before. They were flanking a nervous-looking Eren, protecting him from all sides. Petra caught your eye and gave you an encouraging smile, which you returned with some difficulty. Based on their current position, it would seem that they would be located somewhere behind you. Once again, you inwardly wished them all luck.

“It’s almost time,” called Rae from the front of the cart. “You guys should sit down.”

You stood up from the edge of the cart and moved to the middle, where some space was left between the supply crates. You grabbed a dip pen and your notebook and, after surveying the rest of the Scouts one more time, sat cross-legged between two supply crates. The slightly dizzying smells of paprika and distilled alcohol sneaked into your nostrils. Jessie took a seat opposite you, his face pale.

Your heart hammered in your chest painfully. What am I doing here? Your hands were clammy with sweat and you haven’t even left Karanes yet. But you would, any second now.

You heard Rae exhale sharply. She gripped the reins with much more force than necessary.

Suddenly, the Scouts around you erupted into battle cries, raising their blades into the air and screaming. You and Jessie exchanged a wide-eyed look and, before either of you were ready, the cart beneath you lunged forward, the four huge horses guided by Rae’s steady hands.

The gate opened.

The 57th expedition outside the Walls commenced.

Breathing hard, you placed your pen above the paper, watching as you rushed through the gates surrounded by other soldiers on their horses, reins snapping, hoofs booming. Your newly short hair flew around your face, and you quickly tucked it behind your ears.

You had already mapped the entirety of Wall Maria years ago, when it was still safe. But what Commander Erwin wanted from you was a military map, a detailed representation of the terrain and surroundings, not just the objects in your path.

You got to work.

This, your notes, would not be pleasant to look at until you had a chance to turn them into an actual map. For now, the Karanes gate was a vague rectangular shape. You passed through a city that had been abandoned when Titans took over Wall Maria. You already had it mapped out, so all you did now was jot down some details that the Commander might need. Church – 20m tall. Rooftops – slanted and broken, not ideal for ODM gear. Shrapnel everywhere.

You felt Jessie watching you curiously, but you didn’t look up. You relished these moments where you could simply do your job before everything inevitably fell apart.

When you exited the small town and moved into grassy fields, you glanced up and realize that the Regiment was starting to disperse, assuming the long-range scouting formation. Scouts led their horses away from you, the central column, in search of their own positions. You looked behind you but all that was there was the morgue cart, maneuvered by Helga, the woman who had twisted her ankle some weeks ago. You were shocked to find that she was alone on the cart. A horrible job, to be followed by Death’s foul breath, all alone.

You strained your neck to look behind the morgue cart, but there was no sign of the Levi Squad anymore. They had fallen behind into their own position, wherever that may be.

Fear, ice cold, caused your heart to speed up, but you attempted to ignore it by focusing on the notebook pressed against your thighs. The cart dipped, and you looked up, noting the slight decline of the ground level. Waiting for a few moments to see how long the slope would be, you then sunk your finger into the jar of ink and pressed a line into your page, quickly fixing the shape of the slope with your pen.

The concept of time vanished as you tirelessly worked, your hand quickly moving over the paper, only stopping to scan your surroundings when they altered.

Reality crashed back into you when you heard Rae mutter something that sounded like – a prayer? Surprised, you blinked at her, then realized what she was looking at.

That was the first time you saw a Titan.

Hange’s books truly did them justice, and you were suddenly very glad that you had read them, because at least you were more prepared for this moment. Through a cloud of red smoke, a Titan was running towards the formation. Even though it was still quite far from your cart, you could see its child-like features. Its huge belly hung low as it waved his arms around wildly, its eyes unintelligent, glazed over. Not an Abnormal, thankfully.

“That’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire goddamn life,” Jessie mumbled.

Three green cloaks shot towards the Titan, intending to take it down. You couldn’t see what had happened, but the Titan soon fell, a thunderous boom echoing across the steep terrain.

You exhaled with relief when you counted three cloaks safely returning to their positions.

Noticing a couple of spread-out, decrepit houses, you quickly jotted them down. 3-5m tall. Destroyed roofs. The formation was rushing towards an array of wide, green hills, and you made quick work marking their shapes. The paper in front of you looked horrendous at the moment, but you still felt a sliver of pride, knowing you would be able to turn this into a proper military map as soon as you returned to the safety of Wall Rose. Things were going well so far.

Then, slowly but surely, everything started to go wrong.

“A lot of red flares in the right flank,” observed Jessie.

“They’re relaying the signal,” said Rae. “The Commander should change course soon.”

Sure enough, a stream of green smoke shot into the air from the tip of the formation, where Commander Erwin was leading the Regiment. His signal flare indicated to swerve to the left slightly, and Rae did just that as the Scouts in relay positions passed on the order. You pulled the compass from under your shirt, holding it on your palm for a moment, then readjusted the position of the notebook on your knees accordingly.

The moment the tip of your pen touched the paper was when the first black signal flare was fired.

“An Abnormal.”

“In the right flank again,” said Rae, her voice laced with tension. “Let’s see how this plays out. We might have to head towards them soon.”

Head straight into danger, into the gaping mouth of an Abnormal Titan. Even though you knew this made sense, that if Titans kept popping up near the right flank, then that’s where people would need medical attention, your heart still sank. Jessie pressed his lips into a thin line, probably feeling a similar sense of impending doom.

Another black signal flare. And a third one. Fourth. You watched the blue sky getting tarnished with black smoke. It it was the ugliest sight you’ve ever seen.

So far, at least.

“That settles it, then,” sighed Rae. “We move towards the right flank.” She pulled on the reins, and the medical cart lurched to the right. The bottles of distilled alcohol knocked together softly. Rae looked over her shoulder, no humor on her face. “This would be a terrible time for you to admit that you get queasy when you see blood.”

Your cart rushed over the green fields towards the right flank. Grimacing, you noticed that the morgue cart was headed that way, too. The air couldn’t reach your lungs fast enough as you scanned your surroundings, hoping you wouldn’t see anyone. Any bodies.

“Over there!” Jessie yelled, pointing.

Three bodies laid on the ground, unmoving.

“Go!” Rae ordered.

You scrambled to your feet and jumped off the moving cart, rushing towards the three fallen Scouts, Jessie right beside you. Somewhere behind you, Rae pulled on the reins and brought the cart to a stop before she ran after you. You were no doctor, but even you could tell that the bodies were bent in all the wrong ways, limbs crumbled, green cloaks bloodied and disheveled. Two of the Scouts were lying face-down, and the third’s face was turned towards the blue sky. An almost painful sense of relief crashed into you when you realized that the last Scout’s chest was moving.

“Jessie,” you said.

He pointed towards the last Scout, the one seemingly still alive. “Get him.”

You dropped to your knees in front of the man, a yet unexplored instinct taking over, everything Jessie has taught you a comforting song in your head. Haphazardly opening the Scout’s shirt, you simultaneously put the earpieces of the stethoscope into your ears.

Ignoring whatever Jessie and Rae were doing with the other two soldiers, you listened to this man’s heart for a few moments. Too slow. You leaned over the Scout’s mouth, listening to his impaired, labored breathing. When you carefully pried his mouth open, you discovered that it was filled with blood, as you suspected. Grabbing a handful of his own cloak, you scraped the top of his mouth quickly. Once you could see his tonsils, it was time to start forcing life back into him.

You positioned yourself next to the Scout’s shoulders and placed your intertwined hands on his chest. “Please, live,” you muttered and pressed hard into his chest, feeling it dip downwards. Instantly realizing that you had forgotten to grab the pocket watch from the cart, you cursed and began to count in your head. When you got to thirty, you quickly grabbed the Scouts face, plucking his nose and placing your lips on his. You exhaled harshly, once, twice. You went back to pressing firmly onto his chest, desperately searching his face for any signs of movement, mumbling, “Come one, come on.”

Just as you were about to give him two more rescue breaths, his eyelashes fluttered. You waited with baited breath and almost exclaimed when his eyes suddenly fully opened. A loud groan stumbled out of his mouth. His dazed expression honed, then quickly turned stunned when he saw you hovering above his mouth, probably looking just as wide-eyed and lost.

“You kissin’ me in the middle of a battlefield?” he rasped.

You moved away and helped him sit up, holding onto his shoulders. You positioned your knee behind his back so he could lean on it. “Are you hurt anywhere, soldier?” you asked, surveying him from head to toe. He only looked disheveled, as far as you could tell.

He frowned, his eyes threatening to close once again. “The back of my head hurts like a bitch.”

Moving behind him, you carefully stuck your fingers into his dark hair. He winced, exhaling sharply. Blood dripped down your fingers. This was certainly out of your league.

“Jessie –”

A gasp caught in your throat. The Scout next to you had a similar reaction.

Jessie and Rae had rolled the other two soldiers over, exposing their faces. The closer Scout was clearly dead and in a horrific state, most of his body crushed after hitting the ground with unfathomable force. Four broken ribs had ripped through the skin of his stomach, which was nothing but a bloody mess. His skull was smashed in, and there was nothing to recognize him by save for one eye, open and unblinking as it stared right at you.

The Scout beside you retched, and you absentmindedly squeezed his shoulder as a wave of nausea washed over you.

With immense difficulty did you peel your eyes away from the gruesome sight. Jessie and Rae were kneeling over the third Scout, a woman, fussing over a wound on her hip which you couldn’t see from you stood. Rae was unwrapping the bandages and quickly handing them over to Jessie, whose face was twisted in concentration, sweat dripping down his forehead. His hands were steady and quick. It was only when the Scout screamed in pain that you realized that she was still alive. Her yell echoed through the field, empty besides one dead body and four shivering people.

You turned back to the man next to you. “What’s your name, soldier?” You needed to keep him talking and his eyes from closing until Jessie could take over.

“Jamie Hill,” he said. You could see that he was trying to focus on you, but his eyes were slightly glossed over.

“Do you think that you can stand, Jamie?” you asked loudly, making him blink. “We should get you to the cart.” He nodded, watching you with his mouth open. “Come on. I’ll help you.”

Somehow you pulled him up and onto his trembling legs. He immediately wrapped an arm around your shoulders, slumping into you with a groan. You struggled under his weight as you slowly led him towards the medical cart. As you passed by your friends, you glanced at the fallen soldier. The woman in front of Jessie was writhing in pain, tears screaming down her face. Jessie was holding her slightly above ground level while Rae tightly bandaged her hips. A hip fracture?

“How are you feeling, Jamie?”

“All right,” he mumbled. He walked as if he had two left feet. “A little hazy.”

You were painfully aware that you were too slow. You’d been positioned in the center rear and, if you stayed here much longer, you would lose the formation all together. It was Rae’s job to guide the cart, and you trusted her implicitly, but you still felt on edge, expecting a Titan to appear out of nowhere.

Jamie’s blade-holders crashed into your own. He looked down, confused. “Hold up,” he said. “I thought you were a medical volunteer.”

Relieved that he was still talking, you said, “I’m a mapmaker, actually. Part-time medical volunteer.”

“Oh. Rad.”

When you finally managed to reach the cart you paused, not sure how to get him up. He was much too big for you to lift, and Jessie and Rae were certainly had their hands full. As if sensing your worry, Jamie slowly stepped away from your embrace. You protested, reaching for him again. “I can hop on,” he said weakly, bracing his hands on the edge of the cart.

Seeing that he was serious, you quickly scrambled onto the cart yourself and grabbed him under the armpits. With the help of your weak tugging, he managed to slide onto the cart with a grunt. You made him sit up against the side of the cart, mumbling incomprehensible words of encouragement. “There you go, Jamie. Good job. I’ve got you. There’s nothing to worry about.”

He panted, rolling his head back, which was convenient because you wanted to wash away some of the blood gathered on his hair and give Jessie a clean workspace. You told Jamie as much and he nodded – or, rather, his chin dipped erratically, his whole head moving too odd for comfort. Grabbing a battle of water, you got to work on his hair. He sighed and seemed to relax.

“Don’t close your eyes, Jamie, please.”

They fluttered open again and settled on you. “So,” he said, voice slightly stronger. “Were you kissing me in the middle of a battlefield?”

The corner of your mouth twitched upwards. “It’s called rescue breathing.”

“Well, you did rescue me.” His expression softened. “Thank you.”

Considering you had no idea how to help him further, you didn’t reply. His thanks felt unearned. You poured some cold water into his hands and he washed his face. His eyes seemed brighter now, more alert. When you asked him if he felt nauseous, he said, “No.”

Another strained scream drew your attention. You looked over and saw that Jessie was carrying the hurt Scout in his arms, his face strained with effort. Rae rushed over to the front of the medical cart, reclaiming her position as your designated driver. She waited for Jessie to gently place the injured woman in the cart and, the moment he jumped on board, she snapped the reins. “Hiya! Let’s go!”

The cart lurched onward.

“Jessie, what’s going on?” you asked. The woman in front of you was still crying and clutching her bandaged side.

Jessie confirmed your earlier suspicions. “Hip fracture. She needs surgery, which I can hardly perform in a moving cart.” His voice was laced with irritation, eyes blown out with worry. “Hand me the morphine, please.”

You carefully grabbed the small wooden box with the word morphine written on it and gave it to him. Both you and Jamie watched as Jessie washed his hands as best as he could in your current conditions, and then grabbed a syringe and a fresh needle. He examined the inside of the woman’s elbow and, when he found the vein, injected her with morphine to ease her pain. He pressed the injection site with his thumb, muttering, “There you go, Elizabeth. The pain should ease soon.”

“Is Elizabeth going to be all right?” asked Jamie quietly.

Truthfully, you had no idea. The best you could offer him was, “Your friend is in good hands.”

You suddenly remembered the third Scout you had left behind to rot. As you turned around, you saw that the morgue cart was approaching his body. Helga jumped off, a white sheet in her hands, rippling with the wind.

“It was a Titan like we’ve never seen before,” Jamie said suddenly.

“The one that got you?”

Another erratic nod ensued. “It was an Abnormal, but somehow even more intelligent. She – it didn’t eat us. It just swatted us out of the sky like we were nothing more than mere flies. It grabbed Johnathan’s ODM wires and slammed him into the ground.” He swallowed. “Me and Elizabeth got lucky, I suppose. We were just pushed off a building.”

You stared at him, mouth agape. You weren’t sure if there was anything lucky about just being pushed off a building.

They had survived, though. That was all that mattered.

You didn’t have time to analyze the implications of everything else he’d said. As Jessie moved over to tend to Jamie’s wounds, you grabbed your notebook, needing to get back to your own work. Blood splattered onto your notes.

The next half an hour was eerily peaceful. You should have known then that it was too good to be true, this tranquility. Hoofs thundering, Jessie’s quietly wondering how Elizabeth and Jamie were doing, bottles of distilled alcohol clinking, breaths panting, a pen scrapping against paper. Elizabeth seemed to relax under the effects of the morphine, but Jessie forced her to speak every few minutes and kept a finger hooked around her wrist, listening to her heartbeat at all times.

Then Rae shouted, “There! Look!”

A lonesome body was sprawled on the ground.

“You guys stay here,” Jessie said, standing up slowly. He grabbed the sides of the still-moving cart and awkwardly leaped off, muttering a series of curses as he landed somewhat badly. He ran towards the body, stethoscope in hand.

“There’s someone else,” Jamie said, squinting his eyes.

You followed his gaze and saw it, too, a green cloak kissing the ground, quite far away from your cart. You dropped your notebook again and stopped Rae with a wave of your hand. “I got it.” You wanted Rae to be in the cart in case you needed to flee as quickly as possible, or in case Jessie needed assistance.

You hopped off the cart and ran. The Scout was lying on their stomach, their cloak shielding them from view. You narrowed your eyes as you rushed towards them, and almost tripped when you saw their arm extending forward, pulling them towards a nearby tree. “Hey, wait! Don’t move!”

You threw yourself onto the ground next to the Scout, only half-aware of your knees screaming in protest. “Wait, wait, wait.” You slid your hands beneath their chest, causing them to exhale sharply as you flipped them around onto their back.
You were met with a young man’s face, his boyish features contorted in pain, sweat glistening on his forehead. An inconceivably large, deep wound gaped on his right leg. It was hard to tell because of the destroyed fabric of his trousers, but it seemed that his knee was attached to his thigh with nothing more than one bone – you couldn’t remember the name that Jessie had surely mentioned plenty of times. The flesh had presumably been bitten through by a set of huge teeth. Your stomach lurched.

You had no idea what to do. You turned back, but the medical cart was too far away for someone to hear you if you yelled for them.

The boy mumbled something quietly and you returned your attention to him, your mind racing, hopelessly searching for a viable solution.

“Hi,” you said quietly. He couldn’t have been older than twenty. “What’s your name?”

“A – a –”

Your entire body went cold.

Please, please, not Adam. Please, let this be anyone but Rae’s Adam.

“Arnold,” he finally choked out.

Resenting yourself for the relief that flushed through you, you said, “Arnold, listen. I’m going to take you to the medical cart, all right? You’re going to be all right.” You would have to drag him, but hopefully your friends would notice you sooner rather than later and come help.

“It hurts,” Arnold whispered. Tears slipped down his cheeks, racing to his quivering lips.

“I know. I’m so sorry.” You moved to stand behind him and scooped your arms under his armpits. “I’m taking you to get help.”

All it took was for you to tug his body once and he wailed in pain, the sudden heart-breaking sound making you flinch.

“I’m so sorry,” you whispered, then noticed with a start that he wasn’t clutching his leg, but his stomach. A fresh wave of panic threatened to drag you under. You hadn’t noticed any injuries on his stomach, but his cloak was tangled tightly around his body, obstructing your view.

Carefully, you placed him back onto the ground. “It hurts,” Arnold sobbed, looking up at you with hopeless, tear-filled eyes. His voice was frail and so, so young.

“I’m so sorry, Arnold,” you whispered. “Is there any pain in your stomach?” He only squeezed his eyes shut, another loud sob racking his body. “I’m going to check, all right?”

You hastily moved his cloak to the side and found his shirt completely red, not a spot of white in sight.

Distressed, you ripped his shirt open.

Arnold’s intestines slipped into your hands.

Your entire body went rigid, watching in horror as his intestines slithered over your hands, slippery and bloody and warm. Hot vomit raced up your throat, and you struggled to push it down. You couldn’t look away from the gaping hole that was once Arnold’s stomach, that was once smooth boyish skin before a Titan had bitten through it. Large and small intestine, liver, spleen, kidneys and a cage of broken ribs, it was all there, right in front of you, a biology lesson dripping down your hands and onto your legs. The pounding of your heart was so violent that you couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t move.

Arnold’s breathing picked up and that was what brought you back to reality, even though you wanted to be anywhere else. You emptied your hands of his insides and they dropped onto the ground with a hideous squelching noise.

It was as clear as day. There was nothing you could do.

Morphine. That was the least you could do, ease his suffering.

You looked over your shoulder once more. There was no use. Still, you tried. “Jessie! Rae! Jessie!”

Nothing.

There was nothing you could do.

You grabbed Arnold’s hand and squeezed it tight. He sobbed, and you might have sobbed, too. You didn’t let go of him until he stopped shaking. Then you began to shake, cold all over.

You covered his body with his cape, gaze now firmly set on his face.

It was only your dwindling will to live that forced you to your feet. You walked back to the medical cart mechanically, your mind blissfully blank, hands red and slimy and scorching. Your breakfast was lodged in your throat.

“Can you hurry –” Rae started to say, irritated, but as soon as she got a good look at your face she closed her mouth.

You could feel everyone’s eyes on you as you climbed onto the cart. Avoiding eye contact, you wiped your hands on your white trousers and grabbed your notebook again, taking a seat next to Jamie. There was still work to do.

The horses sped up to a gallop. You continued taking notes about your surroundings. A small forest. Trees 20-30m, treetops thick, not ideal for ODM gear. A watch tower. 30m tall. A creak. Clean, drinkable water.

Not even ten minutes later, your little group ran into even more trouble.

“We should go through there,” Rae called back, pointing. “Might be people hiding in that abandoned village.”

-

“Captain, are we passing through that village, or no?”

Levi glanced at the small abandoned village, nothing but desolate streets and dilapidated houses. Even from such a distance, he could see hoof marks and cart tracks on the dusty pavement, meaning that some Scouts had already passed through it. They had probably taken care of any possible Titans that might be lurking there, but it couldn’t hurt to be safe.

Levi was hyper-aware of Eren riding hard behind him. The boy’s annoyance practically tainted the air around them and only added to Levi’s own irritation and sense of uselessness. He wasn’t particularly thrilled about this either, about riding in the back of the formation like some greenhorn fresh out of training, but he had orders to follow, a brat to protect, a team to keep safe.

He had to believe in the Commander’s plan. He had already heard whispers of a Female Titan from the relay squads, meaning that Erwin had been right and there was another shifter among them, someone who wanted to take Eren. Of course, his own squad was still unaware of the true intentions and delicate intricacies of this expedition. All they knew is that they had to protect Eren, which is exactly what they would do.

“No,” he called back to answer Eld’s question. “Steer to the left. We stay clear of the village.” It was best to keep to the wide hills, where nothing could take them by surprise.

Then, out of nowhere, the ground beneath them shuddered. A familiar sensation in their line of work.

Levi narrowed his eyes at the source of the racket. Booming footsteps sounded through the air – and there they were, two Titans rushing through the village. He could see one clearly, its mouth wide open and arms flailing wildly, a 10-meter class one. The other Titan’s head only occasionally came into view over the rooftops, and Levi assumeed it was one of those ugly bastards that ran on all fours.

He could feel his entire team tense, but the Titans’ attention wasn’t on them.

“Those Titans are on someone’s ass,” muttered Oluo.

It soon became apparent whose ass that was.

While his team galloped over the hill left of the village, a humble town square came into view. The medical cart lunged through the open streets.

Petra gasped. Gunther swore loudly.

Levi’s blood ran cold.

He watched in horror as the two Titans gained on them, the one running on all fours an arm’s length away from their small cart. But as he took in the state of the three familiar figures, a fraction of his fear ebbed, only to be replaced by searing anger. As far as he could see, no one was even holding the reins. They were being saved by their horses’ mere instincts. The three figures were all gesturing wildly, presumably arguing and screaming at each other.

They were all standing in a moving cart instead of sitting the fuck down –

The medical cart lurched forward and they all swung backwards, almost falling off the edge. Levi gritted his teeth, hastily thinking of what he should do. He’d have to go over there and physically push them down onto their asses.

At long last, Rae Fairs seemed to regain an ounce of her usual intelligence, and she shot her wires towards the 10-meter class Titan, her blades glinting as she flew towards it. The doctor was still waving his arms around and yelling, but the mapmaker seemed to go as still as stone. Levi saw it clearly, her mouth forming but one word – No.

Before he knew it, Levi was grabbing his own blades and swinging his leg over his horse, intending to take down the nastier of the two Titans.

“Wait, Captain!” said Gunther, panic evident in his tone. “Someone is coming to help. Look!”

A green cloak soared through the air, blades drawn, heading straight towards the Titan running on all fours. The group disappeared from view, hidden behind rows of houses.

Levi listened carefully, his entire body painfully strung tight with anticipation. One thunderous crash, one Titan down. Then, after what felt like hours, they heard the other Titan’s body slamming into the ground.

Levi allowed himself the smallest exhale of relief before focusing on his own mission once more.

-

Only later would he realize that he’d simply been too far to hear the screaming.

Chapter Text

“There’s someone over there!”

“Where?”

“On the rooftop!”

Squinting your eyes, you finally saw it. A green cloak draped over a slanted roof.

“I shouldn’t stop here,” Rae said as she carefully scanned the area. The cart slowed down ever so slightly. “There still might be Titans lurking around.”

Jessie looked down at his ODM gear. “I – I can’t –”

“I got it,” you said, swiftly jumping to your feet.

You wanted to do something, anything, to feel useful after you had failed Arnold so horribly. You threw your notebook down, your fingers already sliding into the hand grips attached to your belt. With a start, you realized that you didn’t have to think about where to position your fingers. It came to you as naturally as breathing at this point. Thank you, Levi. “Jessie, do me a favor, thought, please. Count the houses you pass by on both sides of the street.”

“Uh, all right,” he said. His head snapped to the right, his lips moving as he silently counted.

You fired your hooks towards the roof where the fallen Scout was, then quickly released some compressed gas which sent you hurtling forward. You landed right on the roof bridge and, before you even consciously realized it, you were running down the narrow roof bridge like you were one of those street acrobats that walked on balance beams. God, thank you, Levi.

As you approached the Scout, you immediately saw some good signs. The woman was very much alive, for once. She was cradling her nose and trying to stand up, a deep frown on her face.

However, blood was spurting over her lips and, as she pushed herself up, she dangerously swayed on her feet, her eyes fluttering closed.

“Fuck,” you muttered under your breath as you picked up the pace, sliding over the roof bridge. If she fell, you weren’t sure what besides her nose would break.

In all your panicked grandeur, you slammed right into her, desperately grabbing onto her, almost sending both of you hurling down the slanted roof.

“Ow,” she mumbled, looking at you in complete shock. The bottom half of her face was covered in blood. As the iron tang reached your nose, you were once again reminded of Arnold and the endless stream of blood gushing out of his open stomach, except his ruined body had a different kind of smell, too, sicky sweet and –

“Are you all right?”

You blinked.

The Scout was looking at you with concern.

“Me? Yes, yes. Are you all right?”

“Not really,” she admitted, and her eyes glazed over again. She swayed backwards, and you quickly hugged her tight, now truly struggling to hold your balance as her weight slumped into you.

Another problem arose. If she couldn’t walk or use her ODM gear, how the hell were you supposed to get her onto the rapidly disappearing medical cart? Carrying her was not an option, as you needed both your hands to use ODM gear.

“What’s your name?”

She rested her head on your shoulder, breathing deeply, as though steadying herself. “Melissa,” she muttered. Some of her drool dripped down your neck.

“Listen, Melissa. I need to get you onto the medical cart as soon as possible. I think you may have a concussion.”

“Where is this medical cart?” she asked quietly. “Oh, is that it? Damn. Far.”

“Yeah, far,” you agreed, your mind racing. The beginning of a plan was forming in your frazzled brain, but this plan entailed you being much stronger than you suspected you were. However, it was all you had. There was no time to draw a damn mind map. “All right, listen. Do you think you could hop onto my back and hold yourself up while I get us there?”

“I feel – dizzy.” She tried to move back to look at your face. “Might fall.”

“I really need you to not fall,” you said, grabbing her shoulders. “We need to try. We need to go, now.”

Without giving her any more thinking time, you turned around and pulled her arms around your neck. You watched as she clasped them together, her grip nowhere near as strong as it should be. Gritting your teeth in frustration, you tried to keep your voice relatively calm. “Hop on, yeah?” Weakly, she jumped and wrapped her legs around your hips – again, nowhere near as tightly as she should. She instantly started to slip down, and you quickly grabbed her thighs. She didn’t weigh a lot at all, but any additional weigh was too much when you needed to walk on a seven-centimeter-wide roof bridge.

One small step forward. Then another. Again. Your toes kept sliding in your boots, but you didn’t have time to think of another course of action right now. Praying to whichever God might be listening, you ran.

Melissa gasped as she bounced on your back while you rushed over the connected rooftops. You kept moving so quickly that your feet stumbling never got a chance to pose a real issue. When your left foot slipped, your right foot was already flying forward and pushing yourself and Melissa up again. The pounding of your own heart was all you heard, only vaguely aware of Melissa’s hot breath on your neck, as well as your own panting.

When the medical cart came into view again, you let yourself slide down the slanted roof, the heels of your boots skidding down the broken tiles. Melissa shrieked, finally tightening her hold around you when you let go of her legs. You fired your wires towards your friends, desperately hoping you wouldn’t decapitate them. Mercifully, your hooks landed quite a bit ahead of the medical cart, and you lunged towards it, readying yourself for the fall.

“Watch out!” you yelled. Jamie hastily scrambled out of your way.

You landed right onto a bottle of distilled alcohol. It broke beneath your feet, sending shards of glass flying everywhere. Your knees screamed in pain, and you could hear them pop even over the sound of your labored breathing. “Oh, my God,” you panted, looking up at Jessie. “I’m so sorry.”

“Forget about the alcohol,” he exclaimed. He walked towards you unsteadily as the cart bumped along the street. “Are you all right? Is she all right?”

Melissa let go of you and fell right into Jessie’s arms with a grunt.

“I think she may have a concussion,” you said as you quickly kicked the shards of glass over the edge of the cart. Jamie helped, but he took the less cautious approach and used the back of his hand.

“You are insane,” Jessie stated, staring at you with comically wide eyes. “Are you sure you don’t have a concussion as well? Serious question.”

“It’s the adrenaline,” piped in Rae. She turned to look at you. “That’s what made you so bold. I was about to come and get you when you came sliding down that roof.” Something akin to pride shone on her face. “Good work.”

“Thanks,” you muttered absentmindedly, frantically searching for your notebook. “Jessie, sorry to interrupt, but have you counted the houses?”

“Twelve on each side, but they’re sitting so damn close together that they may as well be connected,” he said as he gently pushed Melissa’s eyes open further, examining her pupils.

You hastily drew twelve squares on each side of the street. 5-7m tall, slanted roofs. Almost fully connected. Finally taking note of the abandoned village, you added as many details as you could, describing the broken windows, taller buildings such as the church and the clock tower, and the narrow streets which would make it easy for smaller Abnormal Titans to lurk around.

Later, you wondered if it was all your doing, if you somehow brought hell down upon your little team by speaking – or, rather, writing – such things into the universe.

When the first Titan appeared, you dropped your pen.

When the second Titan jumped out from behind a ramshackle shop, you screamed.

Up close, they were not ridiculous at all, but rather terrifying. You couldn’t find anything at all funny about their appearance when you were chosen as their next meal. The one running on all fours was clearly an Abnormal Its eyes sparked with unnatural intelligence as it took in sight in front of it, possibly deciding which order it should eat you in. You weren’t sure about the other one, with its arms flailing and drool dripping down its mouth, but, nonetheless, it was still there to eat you. That was enough to send your heart pounding against your ribcage.

“Fuck,” whispered Jessie before loudly yelling, “Fuck! What do we do?”

You only silently shook your head, still staring at the two Titans. Rae snapped the reins, urging the horses to go impossibly faster.

“They’re getting closer,” Jessie said, as though you couldn’t see that yourself. Your cart had six people on it, and the horses were already exhausted. The Titan running on all fours would need three more strong pushes before it inevitably reached you. You suspected the Titan knew that, as well. “Move to the front of the cart,” Jessie barked at Melissa and Jamie. Jessie took Elizabeth in his arms and carried her there himself, straining his shaking arms, crawling on his knees.

You only looked away from the Titans when you heard Rae standing up. Somehow, your ears picked up on that near-silent sound, even with all the chaos raging around you. Rae spread her legs wide apart for balance, her eyes narrowed at the Titans. When her hand inched closer to the blades on her hips, you jumped to your feet.

“What are you doing?”

“Sit down,” she snapped. She unsheathed one of her blades, twisting it in her hand.

Jessie carefully stood up, too. “What are you doing?”

“Sit down. And what does it look like I’m doing?”

“You cannot mean –”

“Rae, you can’t –”

“Both of you need to sit down!” she shouted, her blue eyes flashing with anger. “I need to deal with these Titans before they break our cart!”

“No,” you said, shaking your head. You couldn’t think of a sound argument, but no.

“Rae, you’re supposed to be a medical volunteer,” Jessie yelled, slicing his hand through the air. “That’s your job.”

“Killing Titans is my job, too!” She tried to take a step forward, but you and Jessie moved as one, blocking her way. From the way she was looking at you, you wondered if she would kill you, too, for getting in her way.

The cart beneath you jerked violently. The three of you swung backwards wildly, grabbing onto each other. You were only vaguely aware of Jamie, Elizabeth and Melissa’s shocked expressions, and the reins flailing around aimlessly, and the air swooshing into your face as the Titan’s hand inched closer to you. All you could think about was Rae dying, like Arnold had died, chewed to death. No. Or she would be swallowed whole. No. Or wounded beyond repair. No.

Another bump in the road, and Rae sandwiched herself between you and Jessie. Before either one of you could get a word in, she fired her wires and disappeared. The air between you and Jess was suddenly deathly cold. He kept yelling at her to not be insane and get back onto the cart and let someone else do this and –

“No,” you whispered to yourself, watching her flying towards the smaller Titan. Before you knew it, you were grabbing your hands grips again, nothing in your brain but fear for your young friend, but your wrists were harshly snatched away. “Jessie, let go! I need to –”

“To do what, exactly?” he snapped. The hold around your wrists was painful. “As stupidly good as you are with ODM gear, you can’t fight Titans!” You struggled against him, dangerously close to the edge of the cart, when he suddenly gasped, “Someone’s coming! Stop moving, dammit, and look!”

You looked, but nothing about the sight in front of you made you feel any better.

“Victor!” you screamed as you watched him flying towards the Abnormal, his blades drawn. The Titan had noticed him and was trying to grab him from the air, momentarily forgetting about your cart. The smaller Titan was distracted by the chaos and blinked. It never even saw Rae gliding towards the nape of its neck. She disappeared behind the Titan for less than a second, which still led you and Jessie into another screaming fit. But then the Titan opened his mouth and promptly fell onto its face with a shuddering crash.

Apparently, Rae wasn’t done. She attached her hooks into the Abnormal’s arm and tugged on the wires, distracting it long enough for Victor to deal the killing blow. What happened, however, was that the Titan swung his arms around wildly in a desperate attempt to protect itself. Its giant hand hit one of Victor’s wires. Chocking on a gasp, you watched in horror as he was thrown through the air. He slammed through a broken window of a desolate house.

You pushed Jessie away and went after Victor.

You paid no heed to the flailing Abnormal as you flattened your body in mid-air and soared through the same window Victor had disappeared through. You landed in a head of glass shards, but that di not matter because Victor was there, still alive, pushing himself up with a groan.

“Victor!”

You ran over to him and pulled him up, searching his bruised face for any signs of a concussion, then searching his shaking body for any signs of more serious injuries.

“What are you doing here?” he asked when his eyes settled on you. His surprise quickly turned into anger. “You need to get back to the medical cart, now.” With a sharp, pained inhale, he put his hand to his head, closing his eyes for a moment. Blood dripped down his fingers.

“We both do,” you said, grabbing his arm again. “You’re hurt.”

“Listen, I’m serious.” Panic stretched through his whispered words. “There’s more Titans in the area. It’s a massacre out there. The right flank has all but been wiped out. You need to not leave the medical cart again, do you understand?”

“Just come with me,” you said urgently, very aware that there was at least one more Titan outside, and that Rae was still fighting. “We’ll deal with everything. Come on!”

He opened his mouth, but whatever he was going to say got stuck in his throat as an arm appeared through a window and grabbed him.

You screamed, desperately pulling on his hands, as if you could ever match the strength of a Titan. Victor’s eyes widened, and you heard the sound of his ribs breaking. He squeezed his eyes shut and harshly pushed you away, muttering something you couldn’t understand. You desperately tried to reach for him again, but he kicked you, sending you doubling over and stumbling backwards. When you looked up again, clutching your stomach, he was gone. No.

A strong arm sneaked around your waist and tugged you away from the window. “I’m so sorry,” Rae whispered. “I’m so sorry. We have to go. I’m so sorry.”

How you even reached the medical cart was an utter mystery to you. All you knew was that the next time you clocked back into your consciousness, your notebook was in front of you, your hand was moving against the paper, and silent tears were streaming down your face.

The medical cart picked up two more injured Scouts in that cursed village. A man with a broken leg and a woman with a few broken fingers. The woman was bandaged up quickly, but she couldn’t do much without a horse, so she stayed on your cart.

Rae kept a brisk pace, maneuvering through the village, noting any signal flairs from the Commander and changing direction when necessary. Jessie tirelessly worked his way through the cart, bandages constantly in hand, an insincere smile on his face as he forced his patients to keep talking. You could feel your friend’s heavy gazes wandering over to you, but you continued working on your notes, not daring to let your thoughts wander for even a moment, not yet.

“We’re almost out of the village,” Rae observed. “It’s odd, it seems the Commander is leading us –”

A chocking sound left her mouth.

You looked up, but she had already flown off, her blades drawn.

-

Rae’s vision tunneled. On him, on him in a Titan’s grasp, his mouth open in a silent scream.

No.

No, no, no.

-

“Where the hell did she go?” asked Jessie. “Did anyone see?”

Everyone in the cart strained their necks to see, but Rae had disappeared between the houses before the reins even got a chance to begin to trash around. The woman with the broken fingers was the closest, so she grabbed the reins, frowning since she couldn’t exactly move her fingers accordingly. An eerie quiet settled over the group. You and Jessie exchanged a distressed look. There were still Titans in the area, the last two Scouts you had picked up confirmed it, and it was only Rae careful eyes that stopped you from encountering more of them.

You would give her ten more seconds before you went after her.

You barely had a chance to come to such a decision when she appeared out of nowhere and dropped onto the carriage, almost breaking Elizabeth’s other hip. Someone was on her back, a teenage boy with blood gushing out of his leg.

“Please,” Rae whispered, looking up at Jessie. She didn’t let go of the boy. “Adam, he –”

Adam?

You dropped your notebook instantly. Jessie pushed Jamie out of the way less than gently as you both scrambled to get to the injured kid.

After a few encouraging words from Jessie, Rae finally let go of Adam, albeit reluctantly. You urged everyone else on the cart to make some room for the young man to be laid down on his back. He was still alive, thank whoever was responsible – Rae, surely – but his face was contorted with pain, his forehead damp with sweat. He was clutching his thigh, where a gaping wound spurted blood all over his white trousers.

“Jessie,” Rae said quietly, looking from the doctor to a very pale Adam, who was trying hard to keep his eyes open.

All Jessie said was, “Scissors.”

Jessie started quickly cutting Adam’s trousers open. You kneeled next to them, awaiting further instructions. There was so much blood that you could barely see where the wound ended. It was a deep cut, presumably from a single giant tooth. Jessie wordlessly pointed towards the many bottles of water you had brought. You grabbed one and slowly poured water over Adam’s leg, while Rae cleaned some of the blood off with a gauze. Adam hissed in pain.

“Another bottle of water, please,” Jessie said. He proceeded to wash his hands over the edge of the cart, scrubbing away the blood and dirt already gathered under his nails. Rae’s frustration was almost palpable, but she knew as well as you did that if Adam got an infection before you reached the safety of Wall Maria, if might all as well be over already. She pressed her lips in a thin line and stared at Jessie’s hands, as if she could scare the dirt away. Knowing her, that might be a legitimate possibility.

After Jessie wiped his hands dry, he leaned over the wound on Adam’s leg, which was already a bloody mess again. You and Rae cleaned it, once again, both glancing at Jessie’s strangely stern face every few seconds. Finally, he announced, “The artery hasn’t been cut.”

The whole cart collectively heaved a sigh.

Jessie looked at Rae seriously. “I need you to go and grab the reins.”

She shook her head. “No way. I’m helping.”

“You will help by doing what I just told you. I need to suture his wound before he can get an infection. Doing that precisely on a moving cart is going to be hard enough, so I need you to do your thing and try not to toss us around like hard candies in a box. Take the less bumpy roads, if there are any within this godforsaken Wall. Can you do that?”

Rae looked down at Adam, who tried to offer an encouraging smile. His curls were sticking to his damp forehead.

Rae frowned, conflicted. Jessie squeezed her shoulder briefly. “I’ve got him. I promise you.”

She curtly nodded, and everyone moved out of the way to let her pass through the cart. You almost found it funny, how frightening an twenty-year-old girl could be when she wanted to.

Jessie gave you an apologetic look. “I will need your help for a little while, though.”

“Of course. Tell me what to do.”

“For starters, get me my needle driver and tissue forceps, please.”

You rummaged through the supplies while Jessie grabbed the suture threads and needles. It was a futile effort, but you tried to get everything as clean as possible in a less than ideal environment. Suddenly awfully aware of every little bump the cart wheels jumped over, you wondered how exactly Jessie was going to do this. Stress was practically radiating off of Rae as she tried to simultaneously watch the road ahead, the signal flares and the surroundings for Titans. Whenever the cart jolted, she flinched harshly and looked back, her expression tainted with immense guilt and worry.

Jessie cut a small piece of the suture thread, grabbed the needle with the needle driver and leaned over Adam’s leg. Both you and Adam watched as he laid the tissue forceps on one side of the wound, his hand momentarily jerking to the side as the cart bumped along the road. Jessie slowly pushed the needle through Adam’s skin. Adam exhaled sharply, closing his eyes.

“Adam, I’m going to need you to keep your eyes open, if you can,” Jessie said gently. He instructed you to keep track of his heartbeat. As Jessie briefly moved around your kneeling body to grab some gauze, he muttered, “And get him talking, please.”

Placing the stethoscope on Adam’s chest, you listened to his rapid heartbeat. “Were you in the right flank, Adam?”

He blinked up at you, as if noticing you for the first time. “Uh-uh,” he confirmed, grimacing as Jessie started to suture his wound. “It – it was horrible. Most of the right flank has been k – killed.”

As Victor had said. Frantically pushing his name out of your mind for the time being, you asked Adam, “What happened?”

“The Female Titan,” he said faintly.

“The what?”

His shoulders flinched in a weak attempt at a shrug. “That’s what everyone’s calling it. It was an Abnormal, but so, so much smarter.” You glanced up and saw Jamie and Elizabeth exchanging a long look. They had seen it, too, and lived to tell the tale. “The thing didn’t even e – eat anyone.”

You frowned, your attention torn between Jessie’s steady hands and Adam’s sweaty face and everything he was telling you. “What? It killed people, but didn’t eat anyone?”

“Yeah,” Adam whispered. “We’ve never seen something like this before, as far as I know.”

Pouring some water over a gauze, you wiped his face clean, if only to feel useful while your mind whirred. As little as humanity knew about Titans, there was always one horrible truth they could count on – Titans ate humans. So far, there has never been a Titan who slaughtered humans for – what, sport? Fun? What was this Female Titan, exactly? If it was truly so intelligent, why was it attacking them, breaking their formation? What did it want?

Your pounding heart skittered to a halt.

Eren.

Who else could the Female Titan be after other than another intelligent Titan, a shifter?

“We’re heading to the Forest of Giant Trees, it would seem,” said Rae. “We should be there soon.”

“And I’m almost done,” said Jessie. “Don’t worry, Adam. You’re going to be all right. Well, your leg is going to hurt like a bitch for a while, but you’ll live.”

“Thanks, Doc,” the boy muttered. You were surprised when you felt Adam grabbing your hand, his teeth bared in pain, but you squeezed back. At least one person whose hand you’d held today would live.

When Jessie bandaged up Adam’s leg, he assured you that you could go back to your notes, so you did. You were grateful that you already knew all these parts of Wall Maria quite well, since you had visited them before to map them, but a lot of details Commander Erwin wanted were still missing. You wrote down what you could now and hoped you would be able to fill in the gaps on your way back. If this horrible day ever ended.

Rae pulled on the reins, and your cart skidded to a stop. The Forest of Giant Trees loomed before you, truly an incredible sight. Back when you had visited it, it was a popular tourist spot, overpriced but interesting to visit. Now, a shiver raced down your spine as you heard the horrific sounds coming from within the forest. Something akin to the loudest gunfire you had ever heard.

“What the hell is going on in there?” you asked no one in particular.

“That’s none of our business right now,” said Rae, although she narrowed her eyes at the forest, her fingers twitching towards her blades. “We need to do our job. Look. There’s so many wounded already.”

Some Scouts were stumbling towards the medical cart already, holding up injured friends or bleeding themselves, while others sat on the ground, panting or crying or clutching an aching body part.

“Rae, you can stay with Adam, if you want,” Jessie offered.

She hesitated for the briefest of moments, then shook her head. “No. If you say he’ll be fine, I believe you. I want to help the others, too.”

“Let’s go, then.”

You had no idea how much time you spent in the shade of the giant trees, probably because you kept busy the whole time. Applying salve to smaller cuts and bruises, fixing a dislocated ankle, brining Jessie whatever equipment he needed, running around with bandages in hand. Sweat dripped down your back, but you were grateful to take up any task, anything at all that would stop your mind from spiraling.

The morgue cart arrived at some point. Helga’s job was to pick up anyone you couldn’t save. The woman who Jessie’s chest compressions and rescue breathing couldn’t help. The man who lost a leg and bled out, dying silently, despite Jessie’s careful treatment of the injured area. Your friend’s expression was guarded, but you could see his shoulders slumping with every new death.

“I’m so sorry, Jess.”

“It’s all right,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “We can’t save everyone, right?”

You didn’t know what to say, how to comfort him, especially since so much more work needed to be done. You put a hand on his shoulder, and, after a moment, he placed his hand over yours, smearing even more blood on it. Having drawn a sliver of strength from each other, you parted again, scalpels and salves and gauzes dancing in your hands, insincere smiles plastered over your faces.

“Hey, medics, listen up! There’s Titans coming! We need to get all the injured up into the trees, now!”

“What?” said Jessie. His hands stopped over a deep cut on a panting Scout’s abdomen.

“We need to get everyone into the trees, now!”

“We can’t,” he deadpanned. “There are people with fractured hipbones and severe concussions here. People with missing limbs, for God’s sake. They cannot be manhandled right now.”

“We’ve got no choice! Let –”

The ground beneath your boots began to tremble. An earthquake. Or dozens upon dozens of Titans running straight towards you.

From a rising cloud of dust, they appeared, heading towards the wide path in the middle of the forest. Everyone jumped to their feet, some people soaring towards the treetops instantly, while others lingered on the ground, tense, blades drawn. You searched for Rae and found her on the medical cart, standing in front of Adam and the other patients. Knowing how unskilled Jessie was with ODM gear, you rushed towards him, your mind devoid of a plan.

The Titans didn’t even glance your way. They ran right past you and ran into the forest, towards the metallic sounds of ODM gear and inhuman shrieking.

“What the fuck?” exclaimed Jessie. “You saw that, right? Did everyone see that?”

“I saw it,” you muttered. You had no idea what to believe anymore. Everything you thought you knew about your little world was slipping between your blood-covered fingers. And you didn’t even have time to try to process anything. “Let the Scouts deal with whatever that was. We’ve got our hands full here.”

You kept busy. You kept trying. And, ultimately, failing.

The brave front you attempted to put up began to slip. You could only fool yourself for so long.

So much death. You felt the stink of it in the air, saw the proof of it in the white sheets that fluttered in Helga’s hands. You still felt your breakfast lodged in your throat. Despair was heavy on your shoulders, and your limbs slowed involuntarily, even as you tried to fight it.

You are everything but a coward.

You were wrong, Victor.

Everything went blurry, then flashed white. You couldn’t fight it anymore, the grief, the pain.

“Jessie? Are you going to need me in the next five minutes?”

“Uh, no, I don’t think so.”

“All right. I’ll be back soon.”

Slowly, you walked away from the group of Scouts, not too far for you to be in danger, but far enough for you to have a false sense of privacy, some peace and quiet where your muffled thoughts could finally roar to life.

You crouched, spread your knees apart and threw up. The hot burn in your throat made your eyes water. Shaking, you wiped your mouth with your sleeve. Your clothes were already ruined, anyway, covered in blood and pus and grime and drool. Putting your head in your hands, you retched once more because of the disgusting taste in your mouth, and the sickly smell of your clothes and body, and the heaviness in your chest. Another spell of dizziness slammed upon you.

Victor. Chewed to death. Swallowed whole. He was dead and he had died a painful, violent death and, with his last few moments, saved your life. He’d tried to tell you something, too, but you couldn’t hear him, couldn’t think. Perhaps you could have saved him. Those damn blades still perched on your thighs, after all. Perhaps you could have done something, anything, and he would still be here.

Who were you kidding? Victor had signed his own death warrant when he came to help your little team of medics. He had seen that your cart was in trouble and selflessly threw himself into a losing fight. Ten years he’d survived as a Scout, and now he was dead. Gone, forever. This was not something you could fix.

Another’s face slithered into your mind.

Arnold. You didn’t know the boy at all, but he was so, so young, and you had left him there, left it up to Helga to pick up all the broken pieces of him. His insides have been in your useless hands, forever staining them. You were unable to do anything but hold his hand, pathetically not uttering a word of comfort, lost in your own horror. You were there, yet the boy had died alone.

You couldn’t do this.

What made you think that you could?

What made you think that you could waltz into the Survey Corps like it was your own personal playground?

Truly, you were nothing more than a daydreaming, stupid Mitras brat.

“I can smell you from here.”

Squeezing your eyes shut, you kept your head bent. You refused to acknowledge the familiar voice, or the surge of relief that crashed into you upon hearing it. As least he’s alive. You weren’t exactly surprised. If there was one person that you assumed would’ve survived today, it was him. Still, the solace it instantly brought you, knowing that he was all right, was almost painful. Behind your closed eyelids, treacherous tears brimmed, burning.

You heard him stopping right in front of you. The shuffling of clothes and clinking of blades and a quiet sigh let you know that he had squatted down before you. As glad as you were that he was alive and breathing, you couldn’t speak to him. You wanted to be alone, for a minute longer, at least.

“Are you hurt?”

You shook your head.

Peeling your eyes open, you focused them on his boots, somehow still remarkably clean.

The tinniest fraction of the ache in your chest disappeared.

But when you saw him reach towards you, you had to fight the urge to recoil.

“Since when is your head not held annoyingly high?”

Levi placed his thumb beneath your chin and urged it up. You felt the briefest touch of his knuckle against your jaw before he withdrew his hand. Feeling like you were facing a Titan, you finally met his eyes. The hard lines of his face softened ever so slightly, and his usual mask of cold indifference slipped, just barely, but enough for you to notice. On his face, you thought you could recognize some of the sorrow and exhaustion that mirrored your own, and wondered what horrors he had seen today. Although, you weren’t sure if you truly wanted to know. You couldn’t ask. You hoped he wouldn’t ask, either. It was already hard enough to keep the tears at bay.

He pushed a water bottle into your hand. Not having the energy to be embarrassed, you swirled some water in your mouth and spit it out, then drank deeply. With a long sigh, you offered the water bottle back to him. As much as he apparently tried to hide it, you saw it, the smallest downward curl of his lips.

Realization dawned on you. “Shit,” was the first thing you said to him. “This was your water?” You had just thrown up, after all, obviously he wouldn’t want this bottle back. You pulled out your own water bottle from the back of your waist-belt and presented it to him. “Take this one. I haven’t opened it.”

“You shouldn’t get dehydrated on an expedition,” he scolded, but still took the bottle from your hand.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” You wrapped your arms around yourself. His stormy eyes dipped, nothing the involuntary action. “I need to get back to Jessie and Rae.”

Levi nodded. “Go. We should be heading back soon.”

He stood up to walk away, and you instantly noticed him favoring his right leg. When he tried to lean on his left leg, his shoulders jumped slightly, his back tensing.

“You’re hurt.”

“I’ll come to the medical cart later,” he said over his shoulder before heading back towards the group of Scouts.

You allowed yourself a few more deep breaths before following. You walked towards two men leaning against a tree, who you had noticed earlier because they both had dark bruises on their faces. They were talking quietly when you approached.

“Hey,” you said. “Do you guys want me to put some salve on those bruises? It’ll help them heal faster.”

They both shrugged. “Anything that helps them be less ugly.”

They shifted to make some room for you, and you kneeled between them, dipping your fingers into the container of rapidly disappearing salve. Much, much more would need to be made once you got back to Headquarters.

As gently as you could, you applied the salve to one’s cheek, and he sighed, closing his eyes. Soon, he spoke up, clearly continuing their previous conversation. “It’s unbelievable, honestly. The best soldiers we had.”

The other man hummed in agreement. “If the Levi Squad couldn’t survive that thing, what hope do the rest of us have?”

The container of salve fell into the grass.

You stared at the soldier. “What are you talking about?” The Levi Squad couldn’t survive? What? What they were implying made no sense whatsoever. “I had just spoken to Captain Levi,” you said slowly. Or did you hallucinate that somehow? After the day you’ve had, that wouldn’t be all that surprising. Another wave of nausea washed over you, threatening to pull you down and away.

The Scout scoffed, as if you had said something extremely stupid. “The Captain is all right, obviously.”

“The man is a beast,” the other soldier added helpfully.

“That Eren kid is all right, too.”

“Oh, yeah, I saw him being brought in earlier.”

“But the rest of the Levi Squad is dead.”

“Killed by the Female Titan.”

Chapter Text

There were so many emotions swirling inside of you that you couldn’t possibly keep track of them all.

When Commander Erwin gave the order to retreat, what came first was the immense relief that this horrible day would soon come to a close. You felt drained, both emotionally and physically. All you wanted was to not have to worry about Titans, or your friends dying anymore. That initial relief was followed by bitter resentment, unwanted but justified. Today you hadn’t even reached Shiganshina, let alone ventured outside the Walls, which was the reason you had joined the damned Survey Corps. After all this death and pain, you didn’t even get to see the outside world, or to learn why your mother had loved it so dearly.

This expedition was a complete failure, and you couldn’t help but resent Commander Erwin for ever insisting upon it. It was easier to blame him. It was easier to convince yourself that he was the one who dragged you out here against your will, made you see all of the day’s horrors. You would rather blame him for Victor’s death that some mindless Titan. Or yourself, and your incompetence.

As you pulled on a woman’s arm, trying to force her shoulder blade back into its socket, you reminded yourself that you chose to be here. It was to see the outside world, yes, but you knew that the Scouts’ expeditions were rarely successful. This kind of outcome should have been expected. You should have prepared yourself.

A dull clunk sounded. The women sitting in front of you sighed with relief. You checked her body for other wounds, asked her a few quick questions to determine whether she was still of a clear mind, and ultimately concluded that she was otherwise all right. She insisted that she could ride by holding the reins with her other hand, so you dismissed her, ignoring her mutters of gratitude.

When you turned around, something was jammed into your mouth. You looked up at Rae in shock.

“Ginger,” she said simply.

For a long moment, you sat still, confused. Then you remembered why you had even brought ginger in the first place – for nausea. You chewed on the root slowly, and bursts of flavor shot through your mouth. Instantly, your sinuses cleared, and the disgusting taste in your mouth was replaced with a spicy, but pleasant aroma. You thanked Rae, but now it was your turn to be ignored.

Rae stared somewhere behind you. Her blue eyes softened.

You turned around and felt your heart twisting painfully, following an invisible knife burried in your chest. Levi hopped onto the medical cart, taking a seat as close to the edge of the cart as possible. He straightened his left leg in front of him.

Now you understood the reason behind his slumped shoulders, the dark circles beneath his jaded eyes. To the untrained eye, he looked like regular old Levi, expressionless and distant, and even frightening. But you had spent the better part of the past month staring at him and you could see it so clearly, the grief and sorrow that surrounded him like an unyielding mist.

Gunther, Petra, Eld and Oluo, dead. The people you had shared a meal with every single day for the past month. The people who had tried their best to prepare you for this new world were gone, forever. An unfixable error. A slip of a moment, a terrible mistake. An injustice beyond compare.

Again that knife inside you twisted, sending your heart breaking, for them, and for Levi, as well. He had to live with the memory of his teammates and friends, and the knowledge that he couldn’t save them. Foolishly, you wished you could somehow bring them back to life, find their souls and deliver them on a silver platter to him.

Bring them back, you said in your head. To yourself, to God, to Levi, to anyone who would listen to your voiceless plea. Bring them all back. You have to. You have to.

“Jessie,” Rae said quietly.

When Jessie turned, his eyes widened. He immediately started towards the Captain, leaping through the crowded medical cart.

Levi stopped him with a raised hand. “I’ve broken my foot, I think,” he said. “It’s nothing serious. Tend to everyone else.”

“A broken foot is quite serious, Captain,” Jessie said, almost apologetically.

“Leave me for last. That’s an order.”

Jessie shuffled his feet, hesitating, but Levi’s cold glare sent him stumbling backwards. With a sigh, he went back to tending to others’ wounds, muttering something about stubborn men and their bangs. You went back to work, too, albeit reluctantly. While Jessie had taught you a lot about healing broken bones, you weren’t confident enough to offer yourself up for the task of reducing Levi’s fracture. You didn’t want to permanently cripple him.

Rae took a seat at the front of the medical cart, and it stumbled to life beneath you, slowly gaining momentum, following the rest of the Regiment as you retreated back to Wall Rose.

Jessie called you over. “I’m going to need some help here.”

A Scout with a deep cut on his abdomen panted, holding another person’s hand desperately. Blood gushed out of his wound, and you fought hard not to stare at whatever may be lurking underneath the crimson liquid. But your mind helpfully supplied the information – with a wound like that, the large intestine would slip out first, warm, slippery, then the appendix, then the –

Gritting your teeth, you kneeled next to them, right into a puddle of blood. “What do you need to do?”

“The same thing I did with Adam’s wound. I need to close it so it doesn’t get infected.” He raised his voice. “You heard that, Rae?”

“I’ll go as slow as I can,” she called back.

You were already gathering the supplies that Jessie would need to preform the operation. Your hand hesitated over a small wooden box. The Scout’s wound was deep, and he was fighting back sobs. “Morphine?” you asked. There was such a limited supply of it.

“Morphine,” Jessie agreed, holding out his hand and waiting for you to press a syringe into it.

He waited for the cart to pass over a rocky hillside before approaching the injured man with the needle. You held the Scout’s arm as steady as you could, while Jessie injected him with a generous dose of morphine. Grimacing as you raced over another bump, you pressed the injection site with your thumb.

“You’ll feel better soon, soldier,” Jessie said with a kind smile. The only reply he got was a breathless sob. Jessie leaned over to you, whispering, “It’s going to take a minute for the morphine to kick in, but I need to start closing the wound immediately so he doesn’t bleed out or get an infection.”

“Distract him?”

“Please.”

You shuffled closer to the man, partially hiding the view of his ripped-apart abdomen. “Hi. What’s your name, soldier?” You wiped off some of the blood around the open wound, but kept your attention on the Scout’s face.

“B – Basil,” he rasped.

“Basil, huh? Did your parents like gardening or cooking?”

A twitch of lips that could have been a smile. “Both.” Basil hissed in pain as Jessie pushed the needle through his skin, right above the thin layer of fat lining his stomach. The doctor mumbled an apology, then did it again, quickly beginning the long process of closing such a wide wound. Basil glanced at his abdomen, paled, then quickly shifted his eyes to you. “Ma grows vegetables and Pa is a c – cook.”

“A match made in Heaven.” You tried to smile.

“It really is,” Basil whispered. He suddenly frowned. “Am I – is there something under my left shoulder? It kind of h – hurts.”

Sticking your hand under said shoulder, you felt something sharp gliding against your fingertips. You carefully pulled out the small shard of glass and threw it away. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“It sort of is. You see, I broke a bottle of distilled alcohol earlier.”

“How?”

Relieved that Basil was looking up at you with clear eyes and keen interest, you kept talking. “I was using ODM gear and couldn’t strike a perfect landing. I’m still a novice.”

Melissa, the woman who had suffered a mild concussion and a broken nose, suddenly chirped in. “You left out an important little detail, which is that you couldn’t land well because you were carrying me on your back. Saving my life and all that.”

Now a true smile, albeit an embarrassed one, tugged on your lips. Melissa happily returned it. Color had returned to her face, and she held a rag to her broken nose. Jessie had said that she would be all right.

“You’re stronger than you look,” Basil observed quietly.

“She’s also crazier than she looks,” Jessie muttered. He was already making progress on Basil’s wound, his fingers moving quickly and faultlessly.

Basil seemingly relaxed, meaning that the morphine had done its duty. However, he still flinched whenever the needle pierced his skin – which was, well, often. You hastily searched for more conversation topics to distract him. Something caught your eye, a thin line of black ink on your patient’s wrist. You gently pushed his sleeve up.

A gasp stumbled out of your mouth. “No way!”

Basil blinked up at you in alarm. “What?”

“You have the same exact tattoo as me!”

“What? No way.” His stark-green eyes widened.

“No way,” added Jessie absentmindedly as he worked.

You shook your cloak out of the way and rolled up your sleeve, revealing a small tattoo on your upper arm, above the inside of your elbow. It was a heart stabbed by a dagger, black drops of blood dripping down into a wildly inappropriate, but vague enough shape.

A huff of breathless laughter sounded from Basil. “Oh, my God. It’s the exact same. You like that band, too?”

“What band?” Jessie asked.

No. Absolutely not. You hadn’t thought this through at all. You’ve already said too much, but now those words could not leave your mouth. Not in a cart full of injured soldiers that had barely survived this dreadful day. Not in front of Rae, who was so young, and certainly not in front of Jessie, who would forever use this against you. Not in front of Levi, for God’s sake.

Not that you had to say anything, because Basil kindly said it for you. “Pecker Smacker.”

Your ears felt uncomfortably warm.

“Pardon?” Jessie said, finally glancing up from the open wound in front of him.

“The band,” Basil explained politely. You silently begged him to stop talking. “That’s the name of the band. Pecker Smacker.”

A quiet ruffle of laughter passed through the cart.

Jessie’s hands stilled. You felt his eyes boring a hole into the side of your face. “Let me get this straight,” he said, that cheerful note in his tone that you were usually fond of, but now made you want to smack him. Or at least throw yourself off this cart. “You have a tattoo of a band called –”

“I didn’t name the band, did I?” you snapped. From the corner of your eye, you saw Jamie burying his face in Elizabeth’s shoulder to hide the fact that he was shaking with laughter. “And finish suturing that wound already, would you?”

Basil started to defend the band in question, “They make really good songs –” His words were cut short as you stuck a piece of ginger into his mouth.

“You should rest,” you said pointedly. “Enough talking.” Before you could begin to feel guilty, you checked Basil’s heart rate, but concluded that everything was all right. His heart was steadied by the morphine surging through his system.

“Do you have any other tattoos?” Jessie inquired as he reached for the roll of bandaging. You left him hanging for a while, then hummed in agreement. “Really? Can I see them?”

“I doubt we’ll ever be that close.”

He gasped dramatically. “Are they in lewd places?”

“I will push you off this cart, so help me God –”

Bemused looks were shot your way, but you refused to acknowledge anyone as you busied yourself with cleaning up Jessie’s mess of tools. You certainly couldn’t look towards Levi, but you imagined that he was quite puzzled, possibly even repelled by this entire unfortunate conversation. If nothing else, you supposed you were glad you cheered up the rest of the tired and injured Scouts, if only for a moment.

Soon enough, however, reality settled over everyone again. Silence returned, as did the frowns. Some people closed their eyes, hoping to rest. The medical cart bumped along, following the rest of the Regiment back home.

When you finished with another easy bandaging job, and Jessie only had three more patients to tend to before moving onto Levi, you sought out your notebook and pen. Jamie was sitting on them, saying that he was keeping the pages warm for you. Throwing him a flat look, you grabbed your supplies, then slowly made your way towards Levi, spreading your arms wide as you walked through a moving cart full of people.

You kneeled down next to him, placing your notebook down. Levi was staring straight ahead, not acknowledging you, just as you had ignored him earlier. You weren’t sure if he wanted to be comforted by you, or anyone, but you wanted to offer him something. Gingerly placing a hand on his shoulder, you whispered, “I’m so sorry, Levi.”

He merely nodded.

This felt inadequate. Wrong. After all the loss and horror the day had brought, you couldn’t do anything but pat his shoulder. Intelligent or heartfelt or even sorrowful words would not come, but you assumed he wouldn’t want to hear them, anyway. Perhaps he managed to find some peace in the silence, which you were now interrupting.

And yet, the sight of his somber eyes made you stay.

You glanced around hesitantly, but most of the patients had dozed off, relishing the brief silence before Jessie came and attacked them with even more questions, well-intentioned but tiring.

Before you could talk yourself out of it, you sat down next to Levi and threw an arm around him, resting your head on his shoulder. An attempt at a hug in less than ideal circumstances.

He didn’t move.

Warmth crept up the back of your neck when you realized what you were doing. Not only were you were pushing the limits of propriety, but also pestering a grieving man who clearly did not want to be disturbed.

Mortified, you were just about to pull back, when you felt his taut muscles relaxing. Levi slowly exhaled. His hand traveled in front of you, and you watched it, unsure of what you were even expecting. He pulled your knees closer to his own, then his hand dropped lower and remained on the outside of your thigh. An awkward response to an already awkward side-hug, but you couldn’t help but find it all painfully sweet, especially when he gently rested his head atop yours. You squeezed your eyes shut to force back the unexplained tears.

You only stayed that way for a moment or two, but you felt the ache in your chest easing, enough to let you breathe, enough to let you work, enough to let you appreciate that both of you were still alive.

Levi pulled back, his warm hand leaving your leg. You let go of him and straightened, but stayed seated beside him.

Opening your notebook, you forced yourself to work, knowing that you needed to add many details you’d previously missed. You kept glancing between the page in front of you and the places you passed, writing notes and little drawings that would make sense only when you turned these notes into an actual military map. A humble forest – mostly shrubs, a few trees, 4-5m. A destroyed farm – mill with a basement. An abandoned warehouse - 4 floors, 20 meters in height. Creeks and rivers and hills and ravines, everything found its place on the pages of your notebook.

You could feel Levi’s eyes on your notes. You assumed he wanted a distraction, something remotely interesting to analyze to stop his mind from wandering back to his dead teammates. Therefore, you made sure to move your hand so that he could see what you were writing and drawing. Perhaps it would have been pleasant, sitting beside to him, letting him see what you did best, if it were not for the heavy grief lingering in the air.

Only when Jessie sat down in front of Levi did your attention waver. “Your turn, Captain.”

Levi took his boot off. You grimaced when you saw the deep bruises that stretched across most of his ankle, which had doubled in size. Jessie carefully poked around the swollen area. The Captain tensed, his mouth nothing but a thin line, but he said nothing. At least Jessie refrained from his usual onslaught of questions. You doubted that Levi would take kindly to being interrogated.

After pinching and brushing and prodding for a few moments, Jessie announced, “You were right, Captain, you had indeed fractured your bone. Your recovery will be quite long, I’m afraid. For now, though, don’t worry, as I can obviously fix this.”

“How?” Levi asked skeptically.

“I can reduce your fracture with some force,” Jessie explained. “Basically, I will be pushing the bones back to where they belong. Now, this won’t be easy for you or for me, Captain. If you need a break, tell me. If you need to hold someone’s hand, I’m sure somebody on this cart would be willing to provide such a service.” The treacherous doctor had some decency not to look towards you when he said that, but you still glared at him for good measure.

“Get on with it, Compson,” Levi said, although his voice lacked any actual bite.

Jessie shrugged and positioned himself, placing the heels of his palms on either side of Levi’s ankle. He started pushing the bones back into their place, gradually applying more pressure, which you could tell by the increasing depth of his frown.

Soon, Jessie’s arms were shaking with extortion, and Levi was glaring at him like he was the one who had broken his leg. The Captain’s breathing was only slightly irregular, but, for him, that likely meant that this was excruciating. A pop sounded when his bones began to yield.

However, the doctoring wasn’t done. Jessie kept pushing and pressing and groaning with effort, until Levi muttered a few incoherent curse words, his fingers digging into the wood of the cart. Not only were you too embarrassed to truly offer him a hand to hold, you worried he might crush it. You mumbled an uncertain, “I’m sure it’ll be almost over,” even though you had no clue whether it was close to being over, or whether it was even going well.

Five long minutes later, Jessie let go off Levi’s foot. “All done.” The Captain exhaled. You grabbed the bandages and a split and handed them to Jessie, who began dressing the injury. When he finished, he offered Levi a genuine smile, and you detected a note of pride on his face.

“Thank you,” Levi muttered, instantly contradicting his words with another glare.

Having finished tending to all his patients, Jessie finally sat down across from you with a sigh, leaning against the side boards of the cart. Putting your pen down once more, you were about to congratulate him on all his hard work, on saving the lives of so many people today, when you noticed that he was already observing something with keen interest.

You followed his gaze curiously, and felt your heart twisting – but, for the first time today, not with pain.

Rae was absentmindedly holding the reins with one hand, and kneeling between Adam’s legs, fussing around his bandages with the other. The way that boy was looking at Rae was surely what all those poets wrote about, throwing around words such as bewitching and adoration and infatuation. If those poets could see this scene, both bloody and beautiful, they would realize how inadequate those silly words were. Because Adam looked at her Rae as if she was beyond remarkable, as if she had single-handedly saved the world that day. As if she was his hero. He said something, and she glanced up, the softest smile on her face. She had clearly finished inspecting his bandages, but she lingered close to him anyway.

It had been a long, long time since you thought of the word swoon, but now it came to mind, as you looked at those two young people who were so clearly in love with each other. At the end of the world, that love might cushion their fall.

Wanting to give them at least some privacy on this crowded cart, you looked away and back at Jessie, who you found smirking in an unnerving way. He opened his mouth, likely to say something obscene and unnecessary.

Your foot shot out to kick him. “Don’t,” you warned quietly.

“Ow!” He rubbed his shin. “You want to break my foot, too?”

“Do not embarrass them.”

“I wasn’t going to!”

“They’re twenty,” you whispered, very aware of all the people – including Levi – sitting around you. “Everything’s embarrassing when you’re twenty. Seriously, Jessie, don’t. Let them have a happy moment after this horrible day.”

Jessie gave you an unimpressed look, but let it go, choosing instead to go through your supplies and see how much of everything you had used up.

After you’ve barely managed to write five more words, you felt it again, the ground trembling, the fear slipping back into your heart. With increasing intensity, the ground continued to shake, throwing you around the cart. Not again.

And then they appeared. Two Titans, again. As far as you could see, they were chasing two panicked riders.

A hiss of the signal flare, and the whole Regiment was made aware of the new threat.

Frozen in shock, you watched one of the riders get grabbed, and the other rushing to save them. The second Titan continued its pursuit, its eyes set on the two slowest targets – the medical cart and the morgue cart. Not again.

Rae, back in her designated position, was urging the horses to go faster. “There’s too many of us on here!” she shouted.

Mostly to himself, Levi muttered, “There’s no trees or high buildings in the area. Fighting them here would be difficult.”

“There’s more coming,” you said, pointing at the horde of Titans running over the hilltops. You clutched your notebook tightly to your chest, as if that could protect you somehow.

Levi whistled so loudly that you flinched. “Anyone who has an additional horse, bring it here!” he yelled. Immediately, a few Scouts started towards you, holding their own reins tightly, as well as the reins of another horse that ran alongside them. Levi looked around the medical cart. “This cart is too crowded. Anyone who can ride needs to do just that. Doctor, you be the judge.”

Jessie’s eyes widened. He clearly wished for everyone to remain under his watchful eye, even the people with minor injuries. But the two Titans were gaining on you, making the cart lurch violently.

Reluctantly, the doctor mumbled the names of a woman with broken fingers, a man whose shoulder blade you had forced back into its previous position, the two Scouts with purple bruises on their faces and bloodshot eyes, a young boy with a broken nose. It was true that most of these injuries were relatively minor, but it would have been best for all the patients to remain with a skilled medic, especially as internal injuries and signs of concussions could be difficult to determine in all this chaos.

Levi nodded. “You heard him. Get on a horse and ride at full speed.”

Before you or Jessie could stop him, the Captain himself grabbed the reins of a horse and easily jumped onto its back. The rest of the Scouts Jessie had deemed well enough to ride followed suit. As stressed as you were about all of them jumping out of a moving cart while Titans were hot on your tail, you instantly felt your cart surge forward, the horses having a much easier time with a lighter load. Slowly but surely, you inched away from the Titans.

Helga’s morgue cart, however, was still too slow. You saw Levi stopping next to her and telling her something that made her eyes widen. She stood motionless for a while, then –

A chocked gasp exploded out of your aching throat when you saw Helga pushing one of the bodies off the cart. Then another. And another. Helga was shaking as she grabbed the white, bloodied sheets one by one. For the briefest of seconds, you glimpsed a flash of ginger hair peeking from one of the sheets, before the body slammed into the ground and disappeared in a cloud of dust. Arnold’s broken body would be thrown away, as well. Dead weight. Friends and soldiers turned ghosts. There would not be even graves to visit.

You grasped onto the side boards of the cart and leaned over, gagging, a new film of tears coating your eyes. You heard both Jessie and Adam retching. Someone else was crying.

Her cart now completely empty, Helga rushed past you. Tears were streaming down her face.

The families of the dead Scouts would be left with nothing but memories, as well as bitter resentment aimed towards Commander Erwin and the entirety of the Survey Corps for taking their children and siblings and friends and lovers away from them. They could no bring them back.

The Regiment managed to escape the Titans.

You went back to your mapping, but your hand was shaking. The rest of the trip back to Wall Rose was an ink-stained blur, which you spent somewhere far away from your consciousness.

When you heard the Karanes gate shut behind your cart was when you finally dropped your pen and closed your notebook. You stared at Jessie’s tapping foot through a gray haze that had formed in your mind. The voices of the people of Karanes were loud and hard to ignore. They managed to kill so many in a single morning. A waste of our taxes. Does Erwin think the dead have no regrets? No one made a move to silence or correct them. They were right, after all.

Nevertheless, you felt the tinniest spark of anger ignite in your chest. The mission had been a complete failure, yes, but didn’t these people know that you were grieving, too? Most of the Scouts had lost someone today. They did not deserve to be spat at or kicked when they were hurting. Or, maybe, they did. Maybe you did. You didn’t know anymore. What did it matter?

Some long and quiet hours later, Rae softly said, “We’re here.”

Here meant the castle.

You moved to jump off the cart and almost slammed right into the Commander himself.

“How much time will you need?” he asked. Levi and Hange were standing behind him.

You knew what he was referring to. “Give me two days.”

“For one map?”

A sudden urge to strangle him arose. “For two maps. One with my notes, and one without. Trust me.”

A beat passed. “All right,” Erwin said, his face stern. “Find me when you finish the maps.”

Nodding curtly, you turned to Jessie and Rae, an apology already forming on your lips.

As one, they waved you off.

“Go, do your thing,” Jessie said, forcing a smile onto his face.

“I will come to help you as soon as I finish the maps,” you promised.

“We know,” said Rae simply. “Now, go.”

The last thing you wanted was to be alone right now, but you couldn’t find any more reasons to linger. Shooting your friends one last apologetic look, you walked over to your room, for once grateful that it was one the ground floor. You needed to start on the maps right away if you truly intended to finish them in two days. But you were covered in the blood of others, your hands crusty and disgusting, your whole body damp with sweat, the taste of vomit still lingering in your mouth. Before you did anything else, you needed to finally wash yourself.

In the bathtub, you let yourself cry properly, all snot and sobs and whimpers.

You scrubbed your hands until they hurt. The blood was hard to wash off.

Chapter Text

When you washed all the blood off and put some fresh clothes on, you ran up the stairs, jumping over three at a time, balancing a candle, a giant roll of paper, your notebook and as many ink boxes as you could carry in your hands. Throwing everything everything onto one of the tables in the empty library, you sat down with a sigh.

With the muffled sounds of the Scouts talking and cleaning up and devising further plans after this abomination of an expedition, you got to work. All other thoughts ceased.

-

A military map was a topographic map with a focus on terrain, but also on the specific features of an area, anything that might be important for navigation and future military operations.

On the right corner of the map, you had neatly written KARANES and drawn a simple gate. You moved down the paper, slightly towards the left, drawing in the route you had traveled through. Knowing you did not have time for mistakes and do-overs made your progress painstakingly slow, as you had to consult your notes every few seconds. Every tree or river or house posed a new problem, as all the features had to be appropriately scaled, which would show their proper size compared to the rest of the area you had covered. Often times, you had to press your nose against the paper, narrowing your already tired eyes.

You had no idea how much time had passed when your hand began to cramp up. You shook it out and kept going.

-

Carefully, you dragged your thumb through the puddle of ink, creating a shape that resembled the modest lake you had passed after leaving Karanes.

“Tsk. There is no air in here.”

Vaguely aware of the sound of footsteps and a window creaking open, you fixed the outlines of the lake, making it mimic what you had seen and noted down. “A moment,” you muttered. Or at least you assumed you had said it out loud. You couldn’t be sure. Once satisfied with the shape of the body of water poised on the yellowed paper, you put your dip pen down and looked up.

The sight of Levi in a black suit made you blink. A white cravat was tucked inside his shirt. His hands were stuffed in his pockets as he observed the intricate beginnings of your map.

“Going somewhere?”

His eyes snapped up to yours, and he nodded. “To Mitras.”

“I don’t think you should be walking,” you said, glancing at his left foot, which was hidden in a boot, but it was still chunkier than his right.

“I don’t have much of a choice.”

You remembered what you had heard the Scouts on the medical cart whispering about. The Survey Corps had sustained so many causalities, created so many expenses with virtually nothing to show for it. Such a failure would not be swept under the rug easily. “The MPs want custody of Eren?”

“Of course they do. And I can hardly blame them. This expedition was a shit-show.”

Despite his harsh words, you discerned the way that his grief and exhaustion were weighing him down, boulders on his shoulders that he would have to carry forever. Once again, you wished you could somehow take his pain away, the pain that he hid so well, but surely felt. However, you couldn’t. And you had plenty of your own pain to cope with, which you were trying not to think about again until you finished with the task at hand.

“Well, I wish you luck. I’m sure having to deal with one Mitras brat is quite enough.”

His stoic expression softened slightly. He nodded towards the paper in front of you. “Good luck to you, as well.” With one final glance, he took his leave, limping out of the library and towards whatever political disasters awaited in the capital.

With a heavy heart, you went back to work.

It was only an hour later that you noticed he’d left you a cup of tea.

Surprised, you reached for it, ignoring the emotions that threatened to drown you, should you indulge in them for too long.

He had brewed a strong cup of black tea, and you greedily drank it, hoping it would wake you up some more. It did not.

Having finished mapping almost half of the route between Karanes and the Forest of Giant Trees, you allowed yourself a moment’s rest. You moved your supplies out of the way and rested your head on the table, heaving a sigh.

Unsurprisingly, your thoughts drifted to Levi. You hoped he wouldn’t injure himself further, having to use his leg again. Couldn’t Commander Erwin have gone to the capital by himself?

Then you thought of Jessie and Rae, and guilt washed over you. They were surely drowning in work right now. Jessie needed to perform at least three long operations, and Rae would surely not leave his side. Perhaps they were even tending to Eren. You had no idea what sorts of injuries he had sustained on the expedition. You wanted to check on your friends, but your head was too heavy.

-

You woke up with a start. Nothing but complete darkness surrounded you, save for the gentle moonlight coming in from the windows. You hastily lit your candle again, searching for your pocket watch. Shit. It was the middle of the night. What was supposed to be a moment’s rest turned into hours of sleeping in the worst possible position. Your neck cracked loudly as you rolled your head back.

Another present awaited you – a sandwich with meat and pickled vegetables. The horrific way the bread was cut let you know exactly who had left it for you. Rae might be an amazing soldier, but she did not know her way around a kitchen knife. Feeling endlessly grateful, you ate the sandwich in a few big bites. Some of your strength returned, which was good, because this would be a long, long night.

-

Nighttime passed, as did daybreak.

The only break you took was to run down to your room and grab your regular map of the Walls, as your notes had some gaps that needed to be filled. When you were in that small abandoned village, you had to drag Melissa to the medical cart, so your attention was certainly not on the houses per se, but on trying not to fall off one. You copied the already existing drawing from your previous map, hoping it would suffice. After that, you moved onto the last stretch of road that preceded the Forest of Giant Trees.

Somehow, you could feel it in advance, the relief that would come when you finished this map. Of course, you would have to draw an identical one then, with your commentary and advice, but this first one was the bigger problem. Considering everything that had happened recently, you should celebrate every small victory.

It was hard to be in a celebratory mood, however, since every single feature you added to the map brought back memories from the previous day. This was the road where we had found that man, the one with the bitten off leg. He had died later. This was the grove where we had seen a pool of blood, but no bodies. This was the desolate house where Victor had died. You focused on the strokes of your pen, once again bringing your nose close to the paper.

“Hi!”

The loud instrusion made you flinch. A fat drop of ink left your drip pen from the sudden movement, but you caught in with your other hand. That was when you noticed how ink-stained your hands had gotten.

“Hi, Hange,” you said, looking up. “Oh, L – Captain. Hello. Aren’t you guys supposed to be in Mitras?”

“We’re back,” Hange announced, as if you couldn’t see that quite clearly. They bounced through the library and leaned over your desk, looking at you with concern through their square glasses. “You are aware it’s the next day, right?”

“Yes,” you said, finally acknowledging the warm, orange light coming through the many windows. “I was not, however, aware that it was this late in the afternoon.”

“It’s almost dinner time,” Levi spoke up from the doorframe.

He was still dressed smartly, but had ditched the suit jacket. The white shirt he was wearing was a tight fit, and it clung to his arms, giving you a preview of his muscles. In your head, a familiar little voice chimed professionalism, friendship, respect. Who was it kidding? And, either way, you were too exhausted to silence it.

Your mind was stretched taut. If you went insane, you wouldn’t even be surprised.

“Are you coming?” Levi asked.

“Coming – to dinner? No, I can’t. I’m almost –”

Hange’s loud gasp interrupted you. They had finally devoted their attention to the almost finished map in front of you. Feeling equal parts proud and embarrassed, you leaned back, giving Hange a clear view. “This – this is incredible! Levi, get over here!”

With a quiet sigh, Levi slowly made his way over to you, his limping worse than it had been yesterday. You had half a mind to sic Jessie on him. The doctor was insane enough to try to lock Levi in his room, and that was something that you truly wanted to see.

You never expected any praise from him, so when he murmured, “That is quite impressive,” you could hardly believe it.

Swiftly swallowing back your shock, you said, “I promised you the best damn map humanity has ever seen, didn’t I?”

“You did. And it seems that you’ll deliver.”

By some short, expressionless and generally unlikable miracle, you felt your lips twitching. You let yourself smile slightly as you looked up at him, affection flooding your chest. Levi blinked after suddenly receiving your undivided attention, but didn’t look away. You didn’t think you would be able to smile again after everything that had happened yesterday, and there you were, cheesing the second he walked through the door. You didn’t even know why he had such a foolish effect on you, but it was getting tiresome, trying to deny it. He was the best possible distraction from the pain and guilt and grief that threatened to pull you under.

You wanted to talk to him, one-on-one. You wanted to tell him – what? Nothing he wanted to hear, probably. Most likely. Definitely.

Hange tutted. “You know, this is the first proper military map humanity will ever witness. If we contact your faculty, you might get a certificate for Developmental Research! Wouldn’t that be –”

“No,” you said harshly, your eyes snapping back to the Section Commander, who raised an inquisitive brow. You cleared your throat, and opted for a more polite tone to take with your superior officer. “Thank you, Hange, but I truly don’t want a certificate, or anything of the sorts.”

“But this map is of utmost importance!” Hange insisted. “You deserve to be praised for your work, since your work is phenomenal!”

“I appreciate your kind words, Hange. But, please, don’t contact anyone from the faculty. Please. I am glad if these map help the Survey Corps in future expeditions, but I don’t need to be commended by anyone else.”

Hange studied you for a long time, then shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

-

Another dawn passed through the windows of the silent library. Everything hurt, your back, your neck, your ass, but you couldn’t stop, not when you were so close to being done. You wrote your notes in little boxes that you had drawn next to the relevant items. Watch tower – 15m tall, in relatively good condition, suitable for ODM gear usage. Lake – signs of predators, water seemingly not drinkable. Grove – 20 or so trees, 5-8 meters tall.

Going along the map, you added comments wherever you thought they would be useful. Rae had assured you that knowing these details was of utmost importance to the Scouts, but you still felt doubtful. Your finally entry regarded the Forest of Giant Trees – 80m tall, suitable for ODM gear usage and tree-house supply bases.

There was only one more thing left to do. You signed your name in the corner of the first map. Then, the second. And you were done.

Chapter Text

Finding Commander Erwin’s room was no easy feat.

Most of the Scouts didn’t know where his room was located, so you kept wandering the castle aimlessly, which at least served to wake up your stiff legs. Finally, you ran into Moblit, Hange’s assistant, who was carrying jars of strange, colorful liquids. He pointed you in the right direction and even offered to walk with you, which you politely declined. You didn’t know Moblit that well, and you were in no mood for small talk. All you wanted was to hand these maps off to Erwin, then go to the infirmary to help Jessie and Rae. After all of that was done, you would take the longest and most anticipated nap of your entire life.

Even though you were never one to undermine your own skills, you felt doubt creeping into your already tight chest as you made your way towards the Commander’s room. There was something about his over-politeness and stoicism that simultaneously unnerved you and made you want to do truly dedicate your entire being to the Survey Corps’ cause. You puffed up your cheeks and exhaled loudly, glaring at Erwin’s door as if you were staring down a Titan. Somehow, this was worse.

You gently knocked. A long pause ensued, then, “Come in.”

You weren’t surprised to see Levi and Hange in Erwin’s room. The three of them were sitting around a table, cups of tea in hand, faces serious. Hange, however, grinned, eyeing your maps with excitement. Erwin turned over a piece of paper on the table before focusing on you.

Pushing your rolled-up maps under your left armpit, you placed your right fist over your heart to salute them.

-

As usual, she was utterly horrible at formalities.

She didn’t even salute them properly, completely disregarding the fact that her left arm was supposed to be folded behind her back. Levi hid his smirk behind his teacup, but any and all traces of amusement instantly disappeared when he noticed the dark circles under her sunken eyes and her bowed shoulders. She looked beyond exhausted.

“Right on time,” Erwin observed, his voice easily shifting to its polite setting.

“As promised,” she said. She hesitated for a moment, then walked over to them to place two rolls of paper on the table. “I hope you’ll find them useful, Commander.”

“Oh, we will,” Hange assured her. “Wait ‘till you see these beauties, Erwin. I haven’t even seen the finished products, but I know you’re going to love them.” Hange grabbed the mapmaker’s hand, their eyes glinting with feral excitement. “As a little thank you, I have prepared a surprise! I’ll be right back!”

Hange sprinted out the room.

The mapmaker glanced over at Levi, raising an eyebrow.

He shrugged. He had no idea what Hange had managed to do while they were briefly separated in Mitras. Knowing them, they had probably hired a marching band to celebrate.

“Well, let’s see them”, Erwin said. He grabbed one of the maps and unrolled it, while she did the same to the other one, although much more carefully.

Levi put his tea down and leaned forward with keen interest.

They were truly a sight to behold. While Levi had already been impressed with her half-finished work, the completed maps were something else. They belonged in a history book, or a museum. The intricate details, the precisely drawn landmarks, the compass just above her signature. Shifting his focus onto the other map, he quickly read through some of her notes, admiring her neat handwriting. He remembered the messy notes she had been taking during the actual expedition and wondered how those scribbles produced the world’s first ever military map.

With her in tow and some luck under their asses, the Survey Corps could map out the rest of the world.

She shuffled her feet, looking up at Erwin expectantly. Levi inwardly urged the man to say something already, to put her out of her misery.

Erwin shook his head lightly, his eyes greedily roaming over both the maps. “These are remarkable.” He looked up. Levi knew him well enough to detect the note of surprise on his face. He didn’t believe she could do it, be a medical volunteer and draw them an incredible map, all while saving her own neck. “These maps will be more than useful, especially when we still need to retake Wall Maria. I cannot thank you enough for your service.”

Her smile didn’t reach her eyes. “I should be thanking you, Commander, for this opportunity and –”

The door slammed open. “Surprise!”

Hange was tugging on an old man’s arm, who looked distressed by their mere presence. Levi couldn’t blame him.

“Professor Wallen?”

The old man noticed the mapmaker and beamed, shaking out of Hange’s grip. He hurried towards her, extending his hand. “My dear girl,” he exclaimed, energetically shaking her limp hand. “How good it is to see you. How have you been?”

“Good?” she answered, although it sounded more like a question.

The professor nodded. “Good, good. I must admit, I was a little surprised when I heard you had joined the Scouting Regiment.” He cracked a smile. “Although, I suppose I shouldn’t have been. You have always been valiant, even at university.”

She didn’t say anything, but merely glanced between the old man and Hange.

“Oh, these must be your maps! Oh, my!” Professor Wallen leaned over the papers, pushing his glasses further up his nose.

Even Erwin shot Hange a confused look, but refrained from commenting on this whole strange situation.

“Proper military maps,” the professor said wistfully. “You created these while on a scouting expedition?”

“Uh, afterwards,” was all she said, looking less than thrilled.

Levi frowned, trying and failing to decipher this new expression drawn across her face. Set jaw, tight lips, wandering, distant eyes. Embarrassment, certainly, but there was more to it.

“Ah, that makes more sense.”

“What did I tell you?” Hange said happily, slapping the poor man on the back and making him stumble. “She’s more than deserving, am I right?”

Professor Wallen stepped away from Hange before answering. “You were right, Section Commander.” Pulling out a framed paper from his bag, he presented it to the mapmaker. “This is for you, my dear.”

Gingerly, she took the frame.

Levi couldn’t see what it was from where he was sitting, but he remembered Hange’s words from yesterday. You might get a certificate for Developmental Research! He also recalled how she insisted that she did not want a certificate or anything of the sorts. As unease and something much worse danced across the mapmaker’s tired features, Levi clenched his jaw. Unbelivable.

“Oh,” she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper. “Thank you, Professor.”

“Humanity should be thanking you,” Professor Wallen said kindly. “I am certain your maps will help the Survey Corps in their mission of sealing the hole in Wall Maria and retaking our pastures and villages. Having such a detailed route mapped out will certainly lower the rate of causalities.”

He placed a hand on her shoulder. “You should be proud of yourself. I assume obtaining all the information needed for these maps, while on a scouting expedition, no less, was no easy task. I do hope you know how valuable your work is. Whatever you went through to create these maps, you must know that it was worth it.”

-

It was worth it.

No, it wasn’t.

Seeing so many people die horrific, long, painful deaths. Seeing Victor die. Knowing that he used the last of his strength to push you away from danger.

Professor Wallen had been one of your favourite professors at university, but you didn’t want to see him right now, didn’t want to hear him compliment you. You had always been valiant. You should be proud of yourself.

All you felt was shame.

-

She paled. When she lowered her head, Levi couldn’t see her face anymore, as it was hidden behind a curtain of hair.

The old man frowned. “Are you all right, dear?”

She stepped back, and his hand fell limply to his side. “I’m fine,” she said, her voice strained. “I just – don’t feel well. Excuse me.” She turned on her heel, walking strangely, as if she was forcing herself not to run. The door quietly clicked shut behind her.

Levi strained his ears, and there it was – the sound of rushing footsteps.

Hange’s mouth fell open. “Was that – did I –”

“Did you overstep? Clearly,” Levi snapped.

Hange still looked puzzled, but said, “I’ll go find her.”

He was already getting up. “You’ve done enough.” He could feel Erwin’s knowing, almost amused gaze on his back, but he diligently ignored it, feeling his annoyance spike further.

Where she would go besides her room, he didn’t know, so that was were he headed. Much slower than he would have liked, though. Every time he took a tentative step with left foot, his ankle throbbed in pain, nearly giving out beneath him, and he was forced to swiftly shift his weight onto his right foot once more. Every step down these endless, filthy stairs felt like a slap in the face, the universe mocking him by painfully reminding him that he did not need to be doing this.

This was not his job. He was under no obligation to run – or, rather, limp – after her.

He knew as much. But she had comforted him before, on the expedition. As he thumped down the stairs, he thought back to that moment.

His chest had felt as though it was caving in on itself. The grief of losing his team suffocated him. All he could see were their bodies, discarded like old pairs of shoes, ruined like they mattered nothing. He was certain that he wanted to be alone, but the second she put her hand on his shoulder he knew that wasn’t truly the case. It was a strange hug, if one could even call it that, but the warmth of her body and gentleness of her words had instantly brought him solace. Then came the desire to hug her properly, tightly, feel the day’s horrors melting away. He contended himself with that small moment, though, and relished in the fact that she stayed by his side afterwards.

She had cared enough to try to make him feel better. He should do the same for her. At the very least, he wanted to see if she was all right. And if she did want some peace and quiet, then he would bring her a cup of tea and leave her alone, as well as make sure that Hange doesn’t seek her out.

Grabbing the wall to steady himself as pain shot through his left leg, he knocked on her door. “Are you in there?” he asked. Getting no reply, he slowly cracked the door open and hobbled into her room.

Something in his chest tightened.

She was sitting on the floor, knees pressed tightly to her chest, her face buried in her crossed arms. Tiny sniffles reached his ears. She had doubtlessly heard him come in, but she didn’t utter a single word, only continued to cry quietly.

Even though she was taller than him by a few inches, at that moment she looked so small that it distressed him greatly. Standing tall and proud, annoyingly so, was her usual way of going through the world. This was unnatural. It needed to be fixed.

Levi had no idea what to do, so he copied what she had done. He closed the door and limped over to her. After regarding the floor – it looked clean enough – he slowly sat down next to her, ignoring his protesting ankle. After a moment of hesitation where he considered and reconsidered showing his hand like this, he tentatively threw an arm around her shoulders, giving an experimental tug, fully prepared to be pushed or sent away.

She wasted no time in leaning into him, snuggling her head into the crook of his neck. Levi exhaled slowly and pulled her closer. Many emotions were stirring inside of him, but relief rose to the surface first. Even though he would have respected her need to be alone, he was glad that she seemingly didn’t want to be, that she didn’t mind his presence.

The mapmaker straightened her legs and shifted even closer, until they were connected from the hip to the tip of their boots. She completely slumped into him, dropping her hands into her lap and heaving a shaky sigh. Levi paused, then carefully rested his head atop hers, as he had done on the expedition.

Warm tears soaked his shirt. He assumed her distressed state had something to do with the expedition, which wasn’t surprising. She had probably witnessed even more death than him, working on the medical cart, right alongside the morgue cart. If her bloodied hands and clothes and her wide, lost, terrified eyes had been any indication, she had certainly seen her fair share of injuries and gore and loss.

Levi hated it, the fact that she experienced such horrors up close that day – and never even complained. Truthfully, that was what Levi was expecting when she had joined him on their ride back to Karanes. He’d waited for an onslaught of her usual complaints, but she had stayed quiet, miserable, teary-eyed and utterly, horribly silent, focusing instead on her work.

When it mattered most, she didn’t complain. He couldn’t help but admire her for that.

He felt no small amount of guilt for dragging a young, successful, sheltered wisp of a woman into this life, filled with nothing but violence and death. He wished that he, Erwin and Hange had never visited her home in Mitras. He wished that she had declined their offer. But then again, he was also glad – glad to have met her, glad to have somewhat gotten to know her this past month. As much as he was pleased that he was here, he had to chide himself, well aware that being here was the sole reason she’d been put in danger, narrowly escaping Titans more than once.

He had always been a selfish man. A selfish, hungry, desperate fool.

With her pressed against his side, sniffling quietly, his thoughts wandered to the expedition anew. She had certainly proven herself capable, in all the necessary aspects. What came to mind was how easily she had distracted that man, Basil, while the doctor performed surgery on his stomach. How she had popped someone’s shoulder blade back into its socket with cold determination, how she had expertly bandaged cuts and cleaned wounds, how that woman had said the mapmaker had saved her life by carrying her on her back. Levi had listened, rapt.

It shouldn’t have surprised him, after all. She exceeded expectations in everything she did.

Another image demanded his attention. After she had softly told him to be safe, Captain and saluted him for the first time, her concern for him apparent on her features, she had stood up, glancing over the rows of Scouts. Reuniting with his squad and protectively positioning his horse in front of Eren, he had still turned to watch her.

Her new cape flew behind her. Around her neck was a stethoscope. In her hand, a pen.

She’d looked like a painting. A mapmaker, a soldier, a medic. She was everything, all at once, and Levi found it hard to look away.

He returned to the present moment when her hand came up to wipe her cheeks. Gently, he rubbed her arm in what he hoped was a comforting pattern, feeling the warmth of her skin even through two layers of clothes. Unsure of what to say, he simply remained by her side, listening to her steadying breathing and aimlessly glancing around her room.

His eyes found the framed certificate for Developmental Research that the professor had given to her on behalf of her university. It was laid on her bed. He had half-expected her to smash it against the floor, considering how insistent she had been about not wanting it and how uncomfortable she seemed when it was presented to her. It was cast aside, out of view, but still intact.

Even in her misery, she was not violent.

This quiet sadness was not something he was used to.

When Hange was upset, they kicked tables and screamed bloody murder. When Erwin was angry, it was a cool kind of fury, but Levi would certainly not call it gentle. When someone vexed him, he tended to lash out, choosing to attack with cold words instead of fists. Well, he wasn’t opposed to fists, either, when they were necessary.

Not her, though. Even when he had drunkenly insulted her a few weeks ago, she only snapped at him once before leaving, even though he had deserved much worse. When distressed, she seemed to draw into herself and stew in her own sorrow silently.

Not for the first time, he couldn’t help but wonder what had made her into the woman she was today. All he knew was that she was not some mere Mitras brat, but he couldn’t figure out the rest. She owed him none of her secrets, but he still wanted them. Desperately, even.

He had no idea how long they remained huddled together, his head resting on hers, his fingertips sliding up and down her arm. At some point, he crossed his legs at the ankles, lifting his broken foot higher to help the blood flow.

It was only his concern for her that kept him from falling asleep. Even though he was sitting on a hard floor, the wall cold against his back, he had never felt more comfortable. She was so warm, so lovely to hold, even like this. She wasn’t pulling away, and he certainly wasn’t going to do anything of the sorts first. Somewhere deep in his mind, a warning bell sounded, kindly reminding him that this was not something he should get used to, not something that he should want, need or expect. He ignored it all, too fixed on the warmth of her that seeped into him.

The first thing she said, quietly, was, “You always find me at my smelliest.”

Truth was, she still smelled nice. He could still smell the lavender on her skin, although the scent was faint since she had probably not taken a bath these last two days, focusing instead on her two maps. There was also the salt of her tears, which tickled his nose. He wasn’t sure if you don’t smell that bad was an appropriate thing to say to a person, so he remained silent.

“I meant to thank you,” she said softly.

He frowned. “For what?”

“For our trainings. Everything you taught me not only saved my own life, but the lives of others, I think. I can’t thank you enough.”

“You don’t need to thank me for anything,” he said. “In fact, I would prefer it if you didn’t.”

“All right,” she said simply, and Levi hugged her even tighter, resentfully overcome with fondness. That knowledge came back, the knowledge that he did not need to be here, but he pushed it away, not allowing it to ruin this undemanding moment of lingering touches, the graze of his fingers over her clothed arm, the weight of her head on his shoulder. He didn’t need to complicate this, and he didn’t want to. This was merely about her comfort. Nothing more.

Finally, he asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what?”

“The expedition. Whatever you’ve seen out there.”

“No.” Her voice grew stronger.

“All right. But know that you can, if you ever want to.”

“I won’t,” she said firmly. “I won’t burden you.”

He felt his frown deepen. “I’m certain I’ve already witnessed whatever you had on that expedition.”

“I know. And I won’t add even more of my troubles onto your already long list.”

He clicked his tongue. Her reasoning was stupid, and the fact that she would rather sit with her own hardships until they eventually drowned her instead of letting him possibly take away some of her pain irritated him. He could handle hearing whatever she had experienced out there, and talking about it might help her release some of the stress gathered tight in her shoulders. Trying not to start a bickering match with her right now, he pressed his lips into a thin line, scowling at nothing.

Heaving a sigh, she slowly extracted herself from his embrace. Fighting back his sudden disappointment, Levi let his hand linger on her back a moment longer before pulling away.

Now he could get a good look at her face. Red splotches covered her cheeks, and her eyes were bloodshot, their lovely color dulled by tears and exhaustion.

She briefly met his eyes, then looked down. “I may have gotten some snot on your shirt. I’m sorry.”

Inwardly, he cringed, but said, “It’s fine.” He pushed himself up, putting all of his weight on his good leg. “Stay here. I’ll bring us some tea.”

“Wait, I’ll go,” she argued, moving to stand up. “You really should not be walking.”

“I’m already up,” he said, stalking towards the door quickly before she could protest further. He heard her huff in frustration and almost smiled.

There was something he needed to check, anyway.

After he put the water to come to a boil, he walked out of the kitchens, forcing himself to walk as normally as he could as he passed a group of Scouts, who saluted him.

Seeking out the morgue cart was not an activity that brought him pleasure. The cart was left near the stables. Even though it was empty now, he was not sure if he was imagining the foul smell radiating off of it, sickly-sweet and nauseating. Breathing through his mouth, he quickly rummaged through the reports left there by Helga. Erwin had looked through these already and put them back out here, unwilling to have such undeniable evidence of death in his room, which Levi could understand.

He flipped through the papers, scanning the names of his fallen comrades.

Victor Karissi, deceased.

That explained some of her sadness.

These reports carried names of ghosts, and he didn’t want to touch them anymore. He placed the papers back into the cart and left to finish preparing the tea.

When he returned to the mapmaker’s room, he found her sitting on the bed this time, staring at her hands with a strange expression. Her face was wet and slightly less red, as though she had splashed water on it.

He carefully took a seat on her bed, this time keeping some distance between them.

“My hands were covered with so much blood,” she said flatly.

The words, the dull tone, they nearly made him flinch. “They seem clean now.”

Fresh tears welled up in her eyes. Troubled by the prospect of her crying all over again, Levi pushed one of the cups of tea into her unmoving fingers. “Take it or I’ll drop it,” he warned. Slowly, her fingers wrapped around the cup and she brought it to her chest, inhaling deeply.

After a few silent sips, she suddenly jerked forward, placing her cup on the desk and digging through her bag. She pulled something out and started to unwrap it. Chocolate? Levi raised a brow as she broke it up into pieces and put the rare sweet treat between them on the bed.

“Where did you get this?” he asked.

“I brough it from home,” she said, sounding embarrassed. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Perhaps that we would return triumphant from the expedition and throw a party. I was stupid. There’s nothing to celebrate.”

“You’re alive.” That was something to be grateful for.

Even though she didn’t meet his eyes, the smallest of smiles passed over her face. “I was under strict orders to remain that way.” She threw a piece of chocolate in her mouth and reached for her tea again, sighing.

Levi couldn’t help himself. He hadn’t had chocolate in years, it was much too expensive a tidbit to splurge on with his pitiful salary. Putting a piece in his mouth, he let it melt on his tongue. The sweetness of the chocolate made the tea taste even more bitter, but it somehow worked perfectly.

After a while, she said, “I never got to ask you about what happened in Mitras.”

“As expected,” he muttered.

“The MPs got custody of Eren?”

He hummed in agreement.

“Has he already left?”

“No. They allowed him a few more days to rest and recover here. Then we’ll have to transfer him to Mitras and let them take the little brat under their wing.”

“And you truly plan to do that?”

His only reply was a long look.

She nodded. “You can’t tell me. Got it.”

“We still don’t have a concrete plan,” he said, defending himself and feeling foolish for doing so.

She didn’t seem convinced, but nodded again, not pushing the issue further. “Tell me this, then. The Female Titan, what’s her deal?”

Considering there was already much speculation about these matters soaring through their ranks, he didn’t see the harm in being truthful. “We believe she’s a shifter, like Eren.”

Turning to face him fully, she crossed her legs and almost spilled her entire tea in the process. And she had the nerve to glare at his cup and the apparently wrong way he held it. “A shifter? Meaning, a human? But – but she killed so many.” A crease formed between her brows, and Levi wrestled with the urge to smooth it away with his thumb. “If she’s a human, why is she working against humanity?”

“We don’t know anything about her motivations. All we know is that she’s an enemy and needs to be stopped. That’s our next priority.”

“And afterwards? When we fix the hole in Wall Maria and take out the enemy from within, will we venture beyond the Walls?”

He nodded, curiously watching the relieved look on her face. Before, she’d said that that was what she wanted, to see the outside world and be the one to map it. It also didn’t escape him, the fact that she said we. She intends to stay with the Survey Corps. After everything she had seen, she still wanted to stay. He had conflicting feelings about this. As worried as he had been about her safety on the expedition, it would make sense to convince her now to go back home, where she would be out of harm’s way. He almost did, he almost tried to make her give up her dangerous dream and go back to the safery and riches of Mitras. But, ultimately, he didn’t. His reasoning was selfish, and he did hate himself for it, but his mouth was glued shut.

“I take it we’ll be staying here for a few more days, then? Until you guys figure out a concrete plan?”

“I believe so.”

She sat up a little straighter. “I want to continue ODM training, then.” Nodding towards his leg, she added, “I don’t want you to come with me, though. Jessie specifically told you that you need to rest, and it seems to me that you’re doing everything but resting.”

“I can’t train with you,” he admitted. “But I will come with you.”

“You don’t need to.”

“I do need to. You could slam into a tree head-first.”

“You know I won’t.”

“I can’t know that,” he said simply. “I’ll come with. End of discussion.”

She shot him such an utterly unimpressed look that he had to fight back his amusement again, hiding his face behind his teacup. That spark was returning to her eyes, slowly but surely, and their bickering could commence.

Throughout their conversation, they kept mindlessly eating the chocolate, until both of them reached towards the colorful paper and realized that there was only one piece left.

Levi retracted his hand. “You take it.”

She did take it, only to break it in half and offer him one of the small pieces. He didn’t react, feeling somewhat guilty for eating so much of her food, until she pointedly placed the piece into his hand. They glared at each other without any real anger. It was almost a reflex.

The corners of her lips twitched upwards ever so slightly.

“I gave one of these to Eren when we first got here,” she said, folding the now empty paper. “I don’t know why. I guess I felt so bad for the kid, I wanted to give him something to cheer him up. I can’t imagine being in his shoes, having so many people pinning all their hopes on me.”

“He is the best weapon we’ve got.” He threw the last little piece of chocolate in his mouth, savoring the taste on his tongue.

“He’s a boy.”

“I know. He’s a boy and he’s the best shot we’ve got at saving humanity’s collective ass. Those two don’t cancel each other out. They can’t, not right now.”

“We can’t afford such a moral distinction, huh?”

“Exactly.”

She tilted her head to the side, considering his words with a frown. Wanting to steer clear of the subject of morality for the time being, Levi said, “I remember Eren and his band of brats eating something brown once. I’m relieved to hear that it was chocolate.”

A soft exhale that was almost a laugh left her mouth. The way she looked at him then – he couldn’t even describe it properly, but he was certain no one had ever looked at him with such tenderness before. He was undeserving of it all, and it did nothing to help with the heat already searing a path through his chest, making him feel dazed, dangerously close to doing something stupid.

“Allow me to thank you for one more thing. For this, today.” With her hand, she gestured towards him and the tea and the air around them vaguely. “It – you made me feel better. You didn’t need to do that, but you did. And I truly, truly appreciate it.” She tucked her hair behind her ears, and Levi noticed that the tops of her earlobes were red. “I almost smiled just then.” Although she seemed slightly bashful, she met his eyes straight on and once again said, “Thank you.”

Levi gave her a flat look. She was being ridiculous with all these needless expressions of gratitude. He didn’t know why it annoyed him, or whether he was even exasperated with himself or with her.

Has it ever occurred to you that I like seeing you smile?

An expression of pure shock passed over her face.

He stilled.

He could not have said that out loud. There was no way – right? Had he gone into a sugar high that made him lose all common sense? It was either that, or simply this whole morning, her tears, the warmth of her body pressed against his, their easy conversation, so easy that he had gotten lost in it, forgetting who he was and who she was and how they worked. And now, he had said something he couldn’t take back without seeming even more foolish. He looked away from her, fixing his gaze firmly on the wall, hoping it would somehow collapse on top of him and end his misery.

“You do?” At least there was no mockery in her tone. She merely sounded confused.

“When it’s not one of your arrogant smirks,” he grumbled. "Did you think I enjoy seeing despair all around me? Despite popular belief, I'm not some monster."

“I know that. I never considered you a monster, or anything of the like." A pause. "Maybe you should smile more often, as well.”

“I don’t often have a reason to.”

“I don’t even know if you have teeth.”

He clicked his tongue, now truly irritated. “I have teeth.”

“See, that’s what someone who is hiding the fact that they don’t have teeth would say.”

Levi fought the urge to roll his eyes. Nothing about this was amusing anymore, and his mind was whirring, thinking about how best to leave this situation entirely and immediately. He could say that he had a meeting, or chores, or that he needed to change his bandages – no, not that, because she could offer to do it for him, she was considerate enough to do something of the sorts. He didn’t need an excuse, dammit, he could simply –

“Levi.”

A shiver raced down his spine. He forced himself to turn his head, to meet her eyes again, rearranging his face so that it betrayed nothing. He’d been so lost in thought that he failed to noticed that she had shifted closer to him on the bed. She was carefully studying his face, her own expression conflicted. The tips of her ears were now bright red.

“Levi,” she repeated, then faltered. Her bottom lip dipped into her mouth, then reappeared, glistening. She tried again. “I –”

A knock on the door made her flinch. Furrowing her brows, she got up to answer the door, and he heaved a secret sigh of relief. He needed to get out of here, needed to go somewhere where he could properly breathe.

A young Scout pushed a piece of paper into her hands. “Commander Erwin requests your expedition report.”

“Oh,” she said. “Uh, all right?”

The Scout didn’t bother saying anything else and went on their way, a stack of papers in their hands that would be distributed throughout the whole Regiment today. The mapmaker read over the paper quickly, still holding onto the door handle, but when she looked up Levi had already slipped through the door, his hands in his pockets.

“Wait,” she said. Levi cursed his broken leg and the way his body couldn’t decide whether it wanted to leave or stay with her. “I’m truly sorry to ask, but could you do me another favor?”

“That entirely depends on what it is,” he said pragmatically.

She turned to grab the framed certificate and held it out to him. “Could you throw this away for me?”

He took the frame, trying to detect any sign of irresolution. “Are you sure?”

“I don’t want it,” she insisted adamantly.

He had had no plans to throw her certificate away. He could, however, take it off her hands, if that was what she wanted. It would be safe and sound in his bag, should she regret discarding it someday.

Levi gave her one last piece of advice. “You should get some sleep after you finish your report.”

She shook her head. “It’s time for me to finally help out at the infirmary.”

Chapter Text

Jessie couldn’t remember all of their names.

He tried to recall their faces, at least, to engrave them in his memory. He couldn’t do that, either.

All he could do was bury himself in work and let the faces and the names of the people he couldn’t save slowly fade away into nothingness. They had already died, he was well aware, but if he forgot them, then he had truly failed them. Whether that was irrational or not didn’t matter anymore. He hadn’t slept in two days, save for the accidental fifteen-minute nap he took behind a tree, after he had gone outside for a piss. How he had ended up on the ground was a mystery he didn’t care to dwell on.

There was so much to do still. He had already finished the more difficult operations, the ones that he could certainly not perform on a moving, crowded cart, and they had utterly drained him. But there were still bandages to change, wounds to clean, temperatures and heartbeats to check, morphine to inject to ease his patients’ suffering.

His young assistant was the best possible help he could have asked for. Despite the dark circles under her eyes, Rae worked tirelessly, dancing around him to tie up any loose ends and deal with all the easier situations. When she wasn’t actively working, she was either curiously observing whatever Jessie was doing, or checking up on Adam and his leg. Jessie had tried to send her away, to get a few hours of sleep, at least, but her only response was a disgusted look and a, “Hand me the scalpel. There’s some dead tissue on this man’s wound that I need to cut off.”

She only left for half an hour, summoned by Commander Erwin to give her report in person.

Rae never complained, but Jessie was happy to do that for the both of them. Everything hurt, his legs, his feet, his neck.

Their make-shift infirmary was full, they had to drag seven more tables into the thankfully spacious room. Some of the Scouts, such as Adam, were simply there so that Jessie could make sure that they actually rested. But some of others were still in danger. One Scout, Stewart, suffered terrible internal bleeding from blunt force trauma to his chest. Jessie had to perform surgery on him to clean out the pooled blood, which was more than difficult without another doctor on hand. Stewart’s condition was stable now and he slept most of the day away, but Jessie was well aware that that could change in a heartbeat. Elizabeth, the woman who had to undergo hip surgery after her bones had shattered, was constantly in pain, but he couldn’t possibly give her any more morphine unless he planned to kill her. All he could do was place the expedition report and a pen next to her. She seemed glad to have a distraction.

The infirmary was quiet, painfully quiet. The only sounds were pens scribbling across papers as some Scouts filled out their expedition reports, while the others slept or simply stared into space.

Jessie wanted to throw something against the wall.

He wanted to drink himself into oblivion.

He wanted to cry until the pain in his chest lessened.

Instead, he smiled.

“Basil, lift your shirt up, please. It’s time to change those bandages.”

He felt the insistent pull of the wine bottles safely tucked under his bed. No, not yet. He had more work to do. And he had one more friend to wait for. A friend who was in as much pain as he was, if not more.

-

The moment you cracked the infirmary doors open, you grimaced.

The sight was less than inviting. Additional tables were brought in and pushed against the walls, making the humble infirmary resemble a true hospital. Most of the patients were sleeping or filling out their expedition reports quietly. Some Scouts’ faces were scrunched up in pain, their chest rising and falling rapidly. Some were so pale, as if they were already dead.

The smell hit you like a racing four-horse carriage. Antiseptic and blood and pus and cayenne pepper. The jar of ginger was mercifully right next to the door, and you took one of the roots, throwing it into your mouth, the sharp tang drowning out the lingering taste of chocolate from your tongue.

The first to notice you was Adam, who offered you a small smile. He softly called out Rae’s name.

“Hi,” Rae said, waving a bloody glove at you. “Good to have you back.”

Jessie turned around from where he was standing over Basil’s abdomen. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

They both looked utterly horrible, tired beyond compare. You assumed you looked about the same.

“Tell me what to do.”

Jessie glanced around the room, then said, “Could you start with cleaning up a little, please? We haven’t gotten to that yet.”

Your aching eyes landed on the pile of old bloody bandages emitting a horrible smell. Jessie threw you a pair of gloves as you passed him by. Breathing shallowly through your mouth, you gathered and disposed of them, then dropped to your knees to scrub away any remaining blood off the floor. After you opened all the windows, you received your next tasks from the doctor in charge – washing all the metal equipment and distributing a newly prepared tub of salve into smaller containers.

The afternoon passed swiftly. You didn’t speak as you worked, dancing around Jessie and Rae and the patients’ make-shift beds. After you finished cleaning up, you brought some more pillows for the injured Scouts, wanting to make the hard desks they were laying on at least a little more comfortable. Then you set about applying salve to smaller cuts and bruises, checking heartbeats and breathing and temperatures, helping Rae disinfect the remainder of an arm, holding a man down while Jessie removed his sutures, and assisting a young girl as she limped out to the bathroom.

At some point, Elizabeth loudly gasped. “Doctor – I need some more morphine. Please. I – I can’t take the pain anymore.”

Jessie gently explained, “There’s already a lot of morphine in your system, Elizabeth. I’m so sorry, but I can’t give you any more right now.”

Elizabeth looked away, a frustrated tear sliding down her cheek.

You offered to make her some willow bark and ginger tea. She begrudgingly accepted, and Basil asked for a cup, as well, encouraging his friend to do the same. Soon enough, most of the patients that were awake stated their requests of food and drink, and you found yourself running from the kitchen and back countless times, getting dizzy but pushing through it, glad to be of some use.

When you came back with a bowl of stew for Adam, you almost ran into the two Scouts who were blocking the door. You vaguely recognized their faces from the expedition, but when they turned and displayed the almost matching bruises on their cheeks, you knew exactly who they were.

“What are you guys doing here?” you asked, squeezing between them to give Adam his dinner.

Adam politely thanked you and dug in. Rae handed him a piece of gauze to use as a napkin, briefly resting her hand on his shoulder.

“We’re here to take over,” one of the newly arrived men said.

“Take over what?” Jessie asked absentmindedly, looking through his equipment. His lips were moving as though he was counting.

“Watching over the patients.”

Jessie frowned. “Well, thank you for offering, gentlemen, but that won’t be necessary.”

The man shrugged. “We aren’t offering. We are here to take over until the morning.”

“Captain’s orders,” the other Scout added.

“Captain Levi’s orders?” Jessie raised a brow, surprised. He hesitated, glancing around the infirmary full of people who placed their lives into his hands. “This isn’t something we can simply turn down, is it?”

“Not unless you want to feel Captain Levi’s wrath,” Basil piped in helpfully.

“Well, I certainly don’t want to feel anything of his,” Jessie said, shooting you a quick smirk before turning his attention to the two Scouts. “I need you to listen very carefully to what I’m about to tell you.” He quietly explained how they would know if someone’s condition was getting worse. Lastly, he pointed at a sleeping man. “That’s Stewart. If anything, and I mean anything about his overall state changes, I need you to find me instantly. If his breath catches, or his fingers twitch, or he mumbles in his sleep, I need to know. His life may depend on it. I would advise one of you to solely watch over Stewart, while the other looks after the rest of the patients. Are we clear?”

It suddenly hit you, how much Jessie and Rae had done before you even got to the infirmary.

The two men’s eyes went wide, realizing the weight of their task. They gulped, then nodded.

“Our rooms are right over here,” you said, pointing down the hallway. “Come find all of us if something goes wrong.”

“Which it likely won’t,” Jessie assured the new guards of the infirmary. “Still, better safe than sorry.”

After the infirmary doors closed behind you, Jessie and Rae, you found yourself confused as to what to do now. Your body was exhausted, but your mind was still wide awake, whirring.

“Do you guys want to hang out for a bit?” Rae asked, scratching the back of her neck.

At the same time, you and Jessie heaved a relieved, “Yes.”

“Can we hang out in your room?” Jessie asked you. “It’s always the cleanest.” You nodded, and mischievous glint appeared in his exhausted brown eyes. “You two go ahead. I’ll join you in a moment.” He turned on his heel and bounced into his own room. The sound of wild shuffling ensued.

“Mysterious,” Rae muttered as she followed you into your room. Both of you flopped onto the bed, sighing and stretching your legs out. There was some blood in Rae’s hair, and you wondered how it could have possibly ended up there.

After a blissful moment of being horizontal, you forced yourself to rise and pad over to the bathroom to change out of the clothes that smelled too much like a hospital now. Once in comfortable attire again, you threw yourself back onto the bed, causing Rae to bounce up.

When Jessie appeared, he was carrying two pink glass bottles. He waved them in front of your faces.

You sat up instantly. “Is that wine?”

“Mhm,” he said happily, squeezing between you and Rae on the bed. “God’s drink of choice. Or is that whiskey? I forget.”

“Where did you get that?” Rae asked dubiously.

“I bought it while we were still in Mitras.”

You took one of the bottles and, with some difficulty, unscrewed the cap. You brought it to your nose – cherry wine, the kind that was sweeter than it was sharp. “Jessie, you really do have immaculate taste.”

“I know,” he said with a dramatic sigh, as if having such good taste was more of a burden than a blessing. He put the other bottle on your desk.

“May I?” you asked.

“Of course. I brought them for drinking, not admiring. If you do want to admire something, I’m right here.”

You took a long gulp, the sweet liquid familiar on your tongue, the slight burn in your throat even more so. You hadn’t had any alcohol in a while, and you knew this was going to hit you upside the head. Good. Anything that would make the grief lingering in your chest disappear for a few hours you would welcome with open arms.

You handed the bottle back to Jessie, and he drank deeply.

Rae watched you both with a conflicted frown, then slowly reached for the bottle, wrapping her fingers around the neck.

Jessie didn’t let go of it. “You’re twenty,” he said apologetically, as though he only just realized that. “You shouldn’t really be drinking.”

“I shouldn’t be a soldier at twenty, either,” she said flatly, yanking the bottle from his hand. She took a small sip and grimaced. “That is even worse than I expected.”

It was your turn to grab the bottle. “You’ll get used to it. This is one of the better kinds of alcohol.”

The bottle traveled from hand to hand, and you drank in silence for a while. You kept an eye on Rae, only allowing her the smallest of sips before stealing the bottle back, earning a glare each time. As the bottle became lighter, the three of you made yourself comfortable, leaning against the wall and the headboard and each other. And, soon enough, there it was, that calm, soothing haze that clouded your mind and dulled your limbs.

“You two are about to bare witness to how much of a lightweight I am,” you informed them. “I hope you enjoy the show.”

“You’re a lightweight?” Jessie asked, wiping his mouth. “I never would have guessed. You seem so – so strong, I guess. So put-together.”

“I’m not, especially when it comes to alcohol.” You sighed, rubbing your eyes. They felt heavy. “Either way, I’m tired of being strong. These last few days –”

“Yeah,” Rae muttered.

A bitter laugh echoed through the room. “God, this job. This life,” Jessie said as he took the almost empty bottle from you and finished if off. He let it fall onto the soft mattress. “I wish life had at least given me a kiss before it started fucking me.”

The dark joke made you grin. You grabbed the other bottle, your fingers moving through the empty air oddly slowly. Your mind was blissfully blank, focused solely on your two friends and the quiet of the night around you, and you relished this bitter-sweet moment. Desperate for comfort and understanding, you were trying to find it in each other. You weren’t sure if you were succeeding or if the alcohol was making everything easier, softening the edges of this cruel, harsh, deadly world.

“Will you guys stay with the Survey Corps?” Rae asked suddenly. “You don’t have to, you know. Commander Erwin would never force you.”

“I think I’ll stay,” said Jessie, frowning at nothing. “I can give you a more sober answer tomorrow, but I sort of want to stay. I don’t know, maybe Erwin put some sort of patriotic spell on me, but I really do want to help the Scouts’ cause. I want to make a difference, if I can.”

“You’ve already made a difference, Jess,” you told him. “You’ve saved countless lives on that expedition, and you continue to do so. You’re an amazing doctor, and an invaluable asset to the Scouts.” You smiled as his face unexpectedly turned beet red. “And I’m staying, too. I still haven’t seen the world beyond the Walls.”

Beyond. It felt as though you’ve been reaching for something beyond your grasp your whole life. It was an intangible tangle of pulls – adventure, danger, knowledge, understanding. Life, but in its fullest form.

Rae observed you both with keen interest, although her eyes were starting to glaze over. You quickly took the bottle from her. “I want to tell you guys something.”

“Shoot.”

“I know I’m not the easiest person to like,” Rae started, only to be instantly interrupted.

The bottle almost slipped from your fingers as you turned to her, shocked. “Who said that?”

Jessie also looked ready to fight a teenager, if need be.

She shrugged. “No one needs to say it. I know exactly the kind of person I am. Strict, boring, difficult.” She smiled slightly, and you couldn’t tell anymore if her eyes were glazed over because of the wine or from the tears she was trying to hold back. “Yet, you guys were kind to me, always. You acted like my friends. I can’t thank you enough. I feel so lucky that I’ve meet you.” Her voice dropped, and, mostly to herself, she muttered, “Ew. That thing made me all sappy. Bad.”

“We weren’t acting Rae,” you told her sternly. “We are your friends.”

“And you’re far from boring,” Jessie added with a frown, then hiccuped. “I forgot what other epithets you’ve attributed yourself, but I’m sure they aren’t true.”

“They aren’t true,” you confirmed. “You’re a great person, Rae Fairs. Meeting you – meeting both of you was the absolute highlight of joining the Scouts. That’s the one thing I will never regret, whatever happens to me in this line of work.”

Rae snatched the bottle from Jessie’s hand and threw her head back to take a long swing, unsuccessfully hiding the single tear that raced down her cheek.

The three of you huddled even closer together, finishing the second bottle of wine faster than what was wise. You were truly dizzy now. Rae’s face was flushed pink as she blinked around the room, trying to focus her fizzled out mind on any object at all, and failing. Jessie’s face was slack as he struggled to keep his eyes open. Suddenly, he stood up with a groan and went to lay on the floor, muttering something that sounded like, “The cold helps.”

“What’s your opinion on alcohol now, Rae?” you wondered. Your words mushed together, almost unintelligible.

“It’s not bad,” she slurred. “But also, it’s bad. Next time, we should try something stronger.”

You chuckled at her nonsensical reply, but when Jessie exclaimed, “Whiskey!” you groaned, putting your head in your hands. The ground beneath you was spinning off-balance.

“God, no. Three sips of whiskey would kill me.”

Rae mumbled, “Coward,” but you could hear the smile in her voice.

You fell into a comfortable, yet dazed silence. Jessie shuffled around on the floor, doing a headstand, then sliding down the wall and going still. You narrowed your eyes through the mist surrounding you to see if he still lived, but then he began tapping his feet idly, a clear enough sign of life.

“Were we the only highlights?” Rae unexpectedly inquired.

You frowned from where you were slumped against the headboard. You had no idea what she was talking about. “What?”

“You said meeting us was the highlight of joining the Scouts. Were you referring to just the two of us?”

In utter disbelief at what you were hearing, you threw an arm over your eyes, hiding from the world. “There were other people, too, I suppose,” you grumbled.

“Like who?”

“Seriously, Rae? Don’t I get enough shit from Jessie?”

“You’re the best assistant ever, Rae,” Jessie said lovingly.

A firm, but clumsy hand took hold of your arm, guiding it away from your face. Rae had to blink a few times before her eyes could focus on you. “I really don’t want to pry. Let me ask you one more question, though, and I won’t say another word about this. Has the expedition not shown you how short our lives are?”

This is exactly what you were hoping not to think about right now. “Of course it has. Weren’t you the one who said that it wasn’t worth it, getting attached to someone if you’re only going to lose them?”

“I do feel that way. In theory. But seeing Adam so close to being killed – I haven’t even told you about that. I’m not sure if you saw, but when I reached him, he was already in a Titan’s mouth. His leg was almost ripped off.” A shadow passed over her face. “It made me think of how I would feel if he had truly died. Not that I want to think about that, ever, but I could not help it.” She swallowed. “He would be gone, and I would still be here, devoid of memories to hold onto to. I would be left with nothing. Nothing but my own bitterness and stupidity.”

Nothing remotely intelligent would find its way to your brain. You didn’t know what to say.

“Almost every day, I take a shot at death. There’s nothing I care about more than doing all of this, being a Scout. But, in those moments in-between duty and honor and death, I never try to live.” A pause. Then Rae’s voice lowered again, now repulsed. “God. Opening up is terrible.”

Jessie laughed. A hiccup quickly followed.

Vaguely, Rae gestured towards you. “And you’re –” She faltered, biting his lip.

You grinned. “Old?”

“Older,” Rae corrected. “Smarter.”

“I don’t know about that.” In all honesty, you felt like whatever was the opposite of smart. The correct word escaped you.

“If you feel something for him, I think you should tell him before it’s too late.” Rae sliced her hand through the air as if it was a blade. “There. I won’t talk about it anymore.”

Has it ever occurred to you that I like seeing you smile? That was what he’d said to you this very morning. He had comforted you, then left faster than his legs could carry him. He was the most difficult man to read, but, as far as you could see, he treated you no different than anyone else. You could tell that you annoyed him, often. He was ordered to train you, he had meals with you because his team had meals with you, and even though you believed you had formed a tentative friendship, that was all that existed between you. Nothing more. Perhaps something less.

But –

If that was the case, what did you have to lose?

Since when were you a coward?

Victor believed you weren’t.

“I believe a confession goes best with a side of gifts.”

You scowled at Jessie as he promptly interrupted your courageous train of thoughts. “What?”

“If you’re going to tell him you have feelings for him, you should also get him a gift,” Jessie advised you seriously as he attempted yet another headstand. “Might soften the blow.”

So encouraging. Either way, you didn’t have anything you could gift Levi. What did he like, anyway? Getting on your last nerve. Residing in your thoughts. Tea. You could get him some nice tea. But you knew that if you did not do this tonight, you probably never would. The cherry wine coursing through your veins was the only reason you were even considering this.

An idea struck you. Nearly falling off the bed, you searched through your bag until you found it – the last of your chocolate bars.

You stood up, and the world tilted beneath you, making your head swim. You waited for the ground to steady, then stalked towards the door, clutching the chocolate as if it was a sword, and you were going off into battle.

Without explanation, any reservation or hesitation you might have felt was replaced by easy confidence. You wanted to tell him. He didn’t feel the same, which was understandable and all right. Both of you were adults, you could still keep training and speaking after this. There would be some initial awkwardness, but you would sail thought it, and everything would go back to normal eventually. It would be all right.

Realizing that you truly did not have anything to lose, a strange peace entered your befuddled mind. You would embarrass yourself, doubtlessly, but Levi would treat you the same way he always had, you were certain of it. And when you finally spoke these foolish feelings into the universe, perhaps they would stop plaguing you, constantly picking on your brain like hungry crows.

You weren’t a coward. Victor knew it.

“Wait! You’re doing it now?” Rae exclaimed. “You’re drunk!”

“Being drunk is the only reason I’m doing this,” you said, grabbing the door handle.

“I could slap you to sober you up a little,” Rae offered politely.

You grinned. “I’m good, thanks.” You only hesitated for the briefest of moments before turning the handle and strutting into the dark hallway.

“Go, mapmaker!” Jessie yelled behind you, and Rae shouted, “Good luck!”

There was a noticeable error in your plan. Levi’s room was on the fourth floor, while yours was on the ground floor. The stairway slithered in front of you, a moving snake. You pressed your lips tightly and grabbed the railing as if your life depended on it. You started the long trek through the castle. You didn’t think about what you would tell him, because if you did, you worried you would instantly give up. You’d improvise. That tactic worked well enough for most things in your life.

When you finally reached the fourth floor, you allowed yourself a moment’s rest to catch your breath. Then, feeling like you were one of those street acrobats that walked on air and swallowed fire, you stopped in front of Levi’s room and knocked softly.

When you heard his muffled but unmistakable voice say, “A moment,” the reality of what you were doing dawned on you. You wrestled with the urge to turn back and run away, or simply throw yourself down the stairs you had just painstakingly climbed. The rattling in your chest sent adrenaline pumping through your entire body.

Once again, you reminded yourself that you were not a coward, but a grown woman with a fully developed frontal lobe that could handle whatever outcome this produced. You were being honest. Wasn’t honesty commendable? A virtue? Being reasonable and having common sense were also good qualities, you supposed, but those went out the window after your first sip of wine.

Well, you couldn’t have it all, anyway. Honesty would do tonight. And bravery! If no one else praised your courage, you would do it yourself.

As if to spite you, Levi opened the door looking so painfully gorgeous. His hair was tousled, as if he had been running his hands through it. He was wearing what you assumed were his sleeping clothes, a white cotton shirt and gray pajama bottoms. His features were, as always, striking, all sharp jawline sleek cheekbones. But there was softness around the edges now, the kind that only came around at night, when exhaustion set in and the body demanded comfort.

Candlelight swayed behind him, shrouding him in shadow. Under those ever-stern eyebrows, his eyes blinked, the gray hiding behind half-closed lids. Still very much a Captain, he could probably command armies in his pajamas, if he wanted to. That was inexplicably attractive.

“Hi,” you said. That was usually a good start.

He leaned against the door frame, crossing his arms. “You all right?”

“Mhm.” You bounced on the balls of your feet.

“You seem - perkier than this morning.”

You chuckled. Talking to him has gotten so easy lately, and you were about to ruin it. “Alcohol does that to a person.”

Levi lifted a brow. “You were drinking? Where’d you get the booze?”

“Jessie had it. He brought it from Mitras.”

“That’s what he had bought, back then.” Levi nodded to himself after solving a month-long mystery. He glanced at the chocolate bar in your hands, then back at your face, awaiting an explanation as to why you were bothering him so late in the evening.

“Did I wake you?”

“No.”

Your eyes landed on the crackling fireplace behind him, the flames dancing in a dizzying pattern. “Your room is so much nicer than mine,” you said wistfully.

“Being a Captain does have its perks.” He tilted his head to the side. “Are you sure you’re all right?”

“Yes.”

He waited, searching your face for clues, then sighed impatiently. “Then why are you here?”

“I didn’t mean to bother you.”

“You’re not. But I am confused by your sudden visit.”

You cleared your throat. “I came to give you this,” you announced with an air of importance, extending your hand, the bar of chocolate perched on your palm.

He didn’t take it. “Why would you give that to me?”

“Can you just take it?”

“I’ve already eaten a lot of your chocolate this morning.”

“This is a different bar.”

“Clearly,” he said flatly.

Your arm was getting tired and your resolve weaker. “Just take it, please. Don’t be difficult right now.”

He narrowed his eyes at your tone. “I’d like you to elaborate on why you’re here.”

“I will elaborate,” you snapped, quickly becoming exasperated with him. Never had you wanted to make out with someone this annoying this badly. It was ridiculous. Illogical.

His lips twitched, as if he was fighting back a smile, and that only irritated you further. This entire evening was already giving you whiplash. “That sounded like a threat,” he observed.

“It was.” You took another step forward. The chocolate bar on your palm bumped into his chest. You remembered how warm he had felt that morning, his side pressed against yours, arm wrapped around your shoulders securely. “Take the stupid chocolate, Levi.” He finally took the stupid chocolate, and you let your aching arm fall by your side limply. Fixing him with a glare, you asked, “Was that so hard?”

Clicking his tongue, he tucked his hand back under his bicep, leaving the bar of chocolate to dangle from his fingertips. He just had to hold everything so precariously. Making everything difficult, for no reason at all.

He looked at you warily, like you were a common criminal whose every move was suspicious and worthy of careful observation. “Tell me,” he ordered.

“This will sound really fucking stupid to you.”

“It usually does, when it’s coming from you. Tell me anyway.”

You huffed, frustrated, and told him.

Once you started, it was easier than you expected, as if the words have been lurking in your throat. The fact that you were hidden in the darkness of the castle’s empty hallway certainly helped. It almost felt like you were admitting this to yourself, rather than to him, even though you were certain you were saying the words out loud.

“I wanted to give you my last bar of chocolate because there is no one else I’d rather give it to. Because I regard you highly, Levi, even though you are the most annoying person I have ever met. You are an irksome smart-ass, but somehow I find you endlessly amusing. I always want to be around you, even when we’re not speaking or doing anything. I found comfort in your presence, which is something I never would have expected. You are so much nicer – no, scratch that.” You sliced your hand through the air, and Levi’s eyes followed the movement. For once, his eyes were wide open. He didn’t look bored. “You’re not exactly nice. Not at all, actually. But you are kind, so much kinder than most people give you credit for. And I can’t help but want you, and not in any way that is remotely professional or friendly or respectful.”

There is was, laid out on a silver platter.

You were pleasantly warm all over. The truth tasted just as sweet on your tongue as the wine you had drunk.

“Oh, and one more thing.” You raised a finger into the air to showcase the significance of what you were about to say. “I think your hair is really pretty. Seriously, it always looks so good.”

You breathed out and dropped your hand, proud of yourself as though you had faced a Titan and won. The speech was solid, you thought, considering you hadn’t prepared it in advance. Through the haze clouding your mind, you felt a scratch of mortification demanding your attention, but that was a problem for tomorrow, for a time when the delicious liquid courage disappeared from your system. For now, all that was left to do was await Levi’s reaction, then leave.

You studied this new expression of his with great interest.

He looked – dumbfounded?

His eyes were a little wide, and one of his hands was clutching the door frame so tightly that his knuckles turned white. The fire merrily twirling behind him emphasized how still he had gone.

Your gaze dipped down to his mouth and you swallowed back the desire flowing through your veins. You contemplated the shape of his bottom lip, as if you would have a test on it tomorrow. His lips suddenly parted and moved, and you realized he was speaking.

“Hmm?”

“What?” he asked quietly.

“What?” you repeated.

“What did you think about just now?”

After everything you’ve already said, this was effortless, a simple, trivial kernel of truth. “I thought about how much I want to kiss you right now.”

Feeling truly invincible, you smiled to yourself. How could you ever think that you were a coward? You might be the bravest damn person within the Walls to say such a thing to the Captain Levi. He carried the title of humanity’s strongest, so you deserved a nickname, too. Humanity’s bravest, perhaps. Mettlesome mapmaker. Woman of arms and quills.

So lost in your own thoughts, you failed to notice that Levi had taken a tentative step towards you. You surged backwards, raising your hands. “Don’t worry. I won’t,” you reassured him. “I know that’s not what you want. Also, I’m drunk as hell and I might throw up at any given moment. You wouldn’t appreciate the mess.” You gestured to the floor beneath him, then at yourself. “I only wanted to tell you before –”

“Wait.” His voice was strangely strained. “Just - wait.”

He looked at you. Swallowed hard. He took one more step towards you, and this time you stayed still, watching him curiously, wondering what he would do next. He stopped right in front of you, one sock-covered foot and one bandage-covered foot almost touching the tips of your boots. You briefly frowned at his broken ankle, upset that he was walking around again, but all other thoughts disappeared when he looked up at you expectantly. Gray eyes searched your face for even more secrets.

Invigorated by his sudden proximity, you couldn’t help yourself. You lifted your hand and gently cupped his face, brushing along his cheekbone with your thumb. He didn’t pull away, so you did the same with your other hand, slowly tilting his face upwards. His cheeks were incredibly smooth, and you wondered if he had to shave every morning, or if he was one of those men who simply didn’t grow much facial hair.

He was standing so close you could feel his quickening breaths brushing against your chest. Through the darkness, you could see his dark eyelashes fluttering, eyes threatening to close under the work of your careful, but curious hands.

Your wrists met underneath his chin, and you dragged your thumbs over his lips. A shaky exhale escaped him. Not allowing yourself any time to think it through, you leaned down to place a kiss over your own thumbs, a barrier between you and him, a safety net. It wasn’t nearly enough to satisfy the hunger that had made you continuously gravitate towards him, but perhaps it would have to be.

A dull thunk made you blink. Did he drop the chocolate bar?

Levi’s hands came up to wrap around your wrists as he looked up at you with half-closed, dazed eyes. There it was - he would remove your hands from his body, then possibly, probably fire you. But he somehow looked more drunk than you felt. Unfathomably, he didn't push you away, but guided your hands down, setting them onto his shoulders. When you felt his arms slowly sneaking around your waist, the last of your resolve shattered. You could smell the soap he had used earlier, subtle and fresh and clean.

“Levi,” you whispered. You thought you felt him shiver, although you couldn’t be certain. “You don’t need to humor me. You can push me away.”

His arms tightened around you. “Why would I do that?” he murmured, his voice quiet and rough.

Your head was spinning from his response and the warmth of his body and his anticipatory gaze, sliding between your eyes and your lips. Somewhere in your muddled brain, a warning bell sounded, but you paid it no mind, focused solely on the man in front of you. Feeling boneless and faint, you pulled him impossibly closer, digging your fingers into his shoulders.

The last thing you saw before closing your eyes were Levi’s own fluttering shut, and his open mouth rising to meet yours.

Two breaths mingled in the dark.

The softest brush of lips followed.

The door next to Levi’s slammed open, and you hastily scrambled apart, feet shuffling, panicked, even though you were barely doing anything worth gossiping about.

Two girls rushed out of the other room, snickering. They padded down the hallway in the opposite direction from where you were standing, whispering amongst each other excitedly. They didn’t even noticed you, but it hardly mattered. You felt it, the moment reality set in, and you and Levi both took another step away from each other. Eager gazes turned wary, confused, as if waking from a trance.

You sighed. Your wine-soaked mind barely registered the disappointment of being so rudely interrupted, but you knew that it was high time for you to leave. You’ve already overstayed your welcome. “I hope you enjoy the chocolate,” you told Levi, glancing at him one last time.

He looked so stunned that it made you unexpectedly chuckle. In fact, it made you giggle all the way down the stairs, almost causing you to slip and break your neck once or twice. You felt your whole body loosening after being strung painfully tight with anticipation and desire. Skipping down the last few steps, you busted into your room and found Jessie and Rae fast asleep on your bed. They had stolen both of your pillows, and Jessie was drooling on one of them. Kicking off your boots, you squeezed into the empty space they had left between them.

You were asleep before your head had even hit the mattress.

Chapter Text

“Thank you for coming, Rae.”

“Of course, Commander.”

“Come on in.”

Rae closed the door behind her and straightened, slamming her right fist over her heart, neatly folding her left arm behind her back. She regarded the Commander, them turned to the side, where Captain Levi was sitting in an old armchair, a map spread over his knees, a cup of tea dangling from his fingertips. Although Commander Erwin was too busy looking through a stack of papers on his desk to acknowledge her salute, Captain Levi glanced up from the map and nodded, the barest dip of his chin. Rae tried not to let her surprise show.

The Commander seemed to find what he was looking for, scribbled something swiftly, then finally looked up, a polite, bland smile on his face. “Please, sit down.”

Rae gingerly sat down opposite the Commander. Even though she knew why she had been summoned – to give her expedition report in person – she still felt uneasy, as if she had done something wrong and was going to be banished from the Reginemnt. That academic fear of failure never left her.

When she was fifteen, she dedicated her life and her heart to the Commander’s cause, truly believing in him and his plan to retake the outside world from Titans and allow humanity to prosper, instead of living like cattle within these cramped Walls. However, that did not mean that she exactly liked being in the Commander’s stoic presence. Her leg bounced beneath the table as she awaited further instructions.

The Commander folded his hands under his chin, his blue eyes fixed on Rae. “I apologize for pulling you out of the infirmary. How are you handling things down there?”

“It’s been hard,” Rae admitted slowly. “There’s been many injured. Right now we’re mostly focusing on caring for those patients whose lives are truly on the line. It’s just me and Jessie at the moment, but we should be getting more help soon, I believe.”

“You mean the mapmaker,” Erwin said.

She nodded.

“Levi tells me that she’ll be joining you soon, practically any minute now.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Rae said honestly.

She could really use her friend’s calming presence right now, to act as a buffer for Jessie’s constant whining, but also bring her own fair share of silliness and tenderness. Rae hadn’t slept in two days and her heart was heavy, the pain and fear from the expedition lingering, and all she wanted was to be surrounded by people she cared about. Jessie and Adam were both in the infirmary, so her mapmaker was the only person missing.

“Anyway, I’m sure you know why I’ve called you up here, Rae. I’m curious to to hear how your group handled the expedition. I assume our doctor and mapmaker won’t know how to write a proper military report, so I’d like to hear from you.”

Rae nodded, and the Commander began with his questions.

“Movement?”

“We stayed in the central column for the first part of the expedition, then moved towards the right flank as we saw that Titans were emerging from that side. We rode through a village – I’m sorry, I don’t know the name. Lastly, we followed the signal flares and reached the rest of the Regiment in front of the Forest of Giant Trees. From that moment onward, we stayed close to the rest of the Regiment.”

“Strategy?”

“We stopped and helped people on sight if we were able. If it was too dangerous to stop, we brought the injured onto the medical cart using ODM gear. I was in charge of driving the cart, and me and the mapmaker were the ones bringing the Scouts to the cart. The doctor took care the more serious injuries, while we did the rest, as we were trained to do. We aimed to stay within the formation, but also go where medical help would most likely be needed, which is why we headed towards the right flank soon after the expedition began.”

“Conditions?”

Rae briefly hesitated, then said, “Good, considering our circumstances. The medical supplies and equipment we had packed were more than satisfactory, although we began to run out of salve and distilled alcohol towards the end of the expedition. Morphine, as well, I believe. The biggest issue was the size of our cart. It was quite small, and there were so many injured that had to remain with us until the end of the expedition. It was hard to distribute equal care in such cramped quarters. The horses quickly grew tired. Our cart was among the slowest.” Biting her lip, she glanced over at Captain Levi, who was focused solely on the map in front of him. “That meant that some people in less-than-ideal health conditions had to ride back to Karanes to allow us to outrun those two Titans. Some of their injuries worsened as a result.”

The Commander tilted his head to the side. “Do you believe an additional medical cart should be introduced for future expeditions?”

“If the medical team gets new doctors and volunteers, yes. If not, no.” She couldn’t help but lift her chin higher. “The three of us work best when we’re together.”

“I see. Tell me about the doctor and the mapmaker’s performance, then.”

“I don’t have a single complaint, Commander,” she replied truthfully. “I couldn’t have asked for a better team. Both of them worked tirelessly on that expedition and saved countless lives. I’m sure all of our patients would agree with me.”

“What about their ODM skills?”

When she didn’t answer straight away, the Commander raised a brow. “Be honest, soldier.”

Soldier. That was all she was.

“Jessie doesn’t have a full grasp of ODM gear yet,” she muttered, feeling guilty for tattling. But she couldn’t lie to Commander Erwin. She was certain his stern blue eyes could detect even the smallest lies.

And Rae assumed it would be better if the Commander knew the truth about Jessie’s abilities. That might keep him safer in future missions, should he decide to stay with the Survey Corps.

“And the mapmaker?”

That she could answer without any hesitation whatsoever. “She’s incredible. It’s as if she had trained with the Cadets for years.” The mapmaker had made some mistakes, of course, but as far as Rae had seen, those were tiny miscalculations, over-zealous attempts that she could still fumble through without much issue.

Erwin’s eyes briefly slid over to the Captain, although he didn’t utter a word, nothing but a contemplative, “Hmm.” When his gaze settled back on Rae, it was slightly warmer, kinder.

“I assume I don’t need to ask about you, Rae.”

She shrugged. “I’ve done my duty, I believe.”

“Rest assured, Erwin, this one has done far more than merely her duty.”

Rae blinked, turning towards Captain Levi as he suddenly spoke up. His face was wiped clear of an expression, as usual, and his voice was dull. Shockingly, what appeared to be a few wet splotches covered his shoulder. It was as though he had washed his face and didn’t notice that some water had dripped onto his shirt. But this was Captain Levi. That he would fail to notice such a thing made no sense.

“I’ve been on that medical cart for a short while only, but I’ve seen her work. We haven’t had a better and more dedicated medical volunteer yet. Most of the Scouts are too lazy for such a job, anyway.” The Captain clicked his tongue. “Slobs.” He regarded Rae coolly. “You should have been a doctor instead of a soldier, Rae. It suits you better.”

Her mouth opened, then closed, her teeth clanging audibly in the quiet room. Heat creeped up the back of her neck.

It would be a lie to say that she knew Captain Levi well, but she had had dinner with him for the past month. That little tradition started because they were all grouped together before the rest of the Regiment arrived, the Levi Squad and the medical volunteers they were ordered to look after. But, even when the rest of the Scouts made it to the Headquarters, their group had remained huddled together. She loved those moments. The loud bickering and quiet chuckling over bowls of stew. The silence that had gone from distrustful and tense to companionable and pleasant.

The Captain was a man of few words – well, unless he was speaking to the mapmaker – and Rae always struggled to decipher what he was thinking. He rarely took that impassive mask of his off. And yet, she felt strangely at ease around him. His silence was undemanding, and his words, when aimed at her, uncomplicated.

Compliments from him were rare. Nonexistent, even.

“Thank you, Captain.”

A glint of something that could have been amusement appeared in the Captain’s eyes when he noticed her flushed cheeks.

Erwin cleared his throat. “One more question, Rae. Tell me about the most common injuries the Scouts had suffered from this time.”

After her long speech on the various different wounds and their severity, all he did was nod. “Thank you, Rae.” He held out a hand. “No need to fill out a written report. You’ve told me everything I need to know, and then some.”

She returned her copy of the unfilled expedition report and waited, having not been dismissed yet. And there was something she had meant to ask the Commander, anyway. Erwin stood up and walked across the room, opening a closet filled with rows upon rows of papers. Her blank expedition report was placed on a neat pile, but then the Commander seemingly got distracted by something, leaning forward to observe it.

Rae glanced over at Levi once more. There was something she had wanted to say to him, too, although she wasn’t sure if that was such a good idea. Plucking up the necessary courage, she quietly called, “Captain?”

He glanced up from the map again, raising a thin brow.

“I am truly, truly sorry for what happened to your squad,” Rae said, her voice barely above a whisper. “Please accept my deepest condolences for the loss of your friends. They were great people.”

All he said was, “Some of the best.”

She almost added, “I’ll be praying for them,” but the Captain didn’t strike her as a religious man, or someone who would appreciate such a sentiment. It was best to simply leave him be.

She hadn’t had time to think about it these last two days, but now it hit her hard, that their dinner table would be half-empty from now on, devoid of laughter. The loss of Petra, Eld, Oluo and Gunther would forever stay with them, glaringly obvious whenever they would sit down to eat. Would they even eat together anymore, after everything? Rae hoped so. It still surprised her, how much she cared for her comrades. It would be easier if she didn’t. Sadly, she could control her mind and her body, but not her heart. Now the wretched thing dropped, aching.

Seeking something more pleasant to think about, her eyes landed on the map spread across the Captain’s lap again. She strained her neck to see if she could see her name at the bottom.

Without another word, Levi pushed the map towards her.

Certain that she was blushing crimson again, she accepted the offer and leaned forward, over the huge roll of paper. A proud smile tugged on Rae’s lips as she took in the sight of that neat signature, tucked under a beautifully drawn compass. The map itself was striking, something that should be on display at a museum. Rae couldn’t believe that her friend had managed this on top of everything else that had happened on the expedition.

She looked up when the Commander approached them. “That will be all, Rae.”

“Commander, I actually had something I wanted to ask you.”

“Go ahead,” he said as he sat down again, unable to hide the tired sigh that escaped him.

“I was wondering if it would be possible for me to remain a medical volunteer.”

Erwin’s blond brows leaped. “You mean in future expeditions and missions? You know we usually struggle to force someone to take up the job once, let alone stay in the position of a medical volunteer.”

“I’m aware, sir.”

With how much death the Scouts saw regularly, most didn’t want to deal with the injured, too. Rae understood the sentiment, but she didn’t feel that way anymore. She felt so much more useful being a medical volunteer than fighting Titans, waiting with baited breath for the inevitable moment when she wouldn’t be fast enough to escape them.

You should have been a doctor instead of a soldier. Perhaps the Captain was right.

Contemplating the future was a pointless endeavor, considering how short the Scouts’ lives tended to be. And yet, she could not stop herself from thinking. Hoping.

“Of course you can stay a medical volunteer, Rae. The Survey Corps are lucky to have you.”

“Thank you, sir,” she muttered.

After being dismissed, she saluted both Commander Erwin and Captain Levi once more, then quietly left the room. As she skipped down the stairs, her thoughts returned to the infirmary, and to one curly-haired patient in particular. Rae was determined not to waste any more time with him.

Chapter Text

Levi had barely slept a wink.

Through his curtained window, he could see that the black sky was growing lighter by the second, and would soon turn a bright orange on the horizon. It was close to dawn, and he had maybe gotten an hour of actual rest. Not unusual, but certainly inconvenient. Beyond stupid, too, considering – well, everything.

He’d kept tossing and turning throughout the night, eventually kicking away the thick wool blanket and glaring at the ceiling as though it had personally wronged him.

Now, for the hundredth time, he thought back to that moment.

Levi couldn’t shake off the feeling of her hands on his face, the graze of her lips against his. It wasn’t even a kiss, it wasn’t anything, but it had made him go embarrassingly weak in the knees as desire painfully crashed into him. With his heartbeat thrumming in his ears, his frazzled mind had kept chanting more more more. More had almost occurred before they were crassly interrupted. Levi was well aware that they had been standing in the middle of the hallway, in a castle that housed over a hundred people, but he couldn’t help but be irritated by the intrusion. He had half a mind to find out who was in the room next to his and court-martial them.

It was hard for him to even fully comprehend what had happened. From the chocolate, over all her words, which he didn’t deserve, to her lips brushing against his. He shook his head to himself. He couldn’t believe that she had attempted to tell him all of that, then happily skip away, as though she had merely informed him what tomorrow’s weather would be like. As if he would ever allow that.

She was drunk. Levi kept returning to that pesky little fact. He had smelt some sort of sweet wine on her breath, almost tasted it on his own lips. For all he knew, she hadn’t meant a word she had said. For all he knew, she hadn’t even known what she was saying or doing, meaning that he had devoted a whole sleepless night to a drunken whim of hers. It was dangerously easy for him to convince himself that she had meant all of it, but he didn’t know. He couldn’t know for sure.

She might not even remember anything.

He pressed his fists into his eye sockets. Fuck.

When he had been drunk, he insulted her. And when she was drunk, she gifted him another bar of chocolate, told him that she enjoyed his company and that he had pretty hair, and almost kissed him. The irony wasn’t lost on him and did nothing to make him feel better. To be fair, she had also called him an annoying smart-ass, but he couldn’t really blame her.

It unreasonably irritated him, that she was probably peacefully sleeping off the liquor right now, while he was wide awake. Thinking about her. Fuck.

Completely and utterly driven up the wall, he stuck his hand into his pants, hoping that might help ease some of his frustrations. It did not, because all he could think about was her. The way she had pulled him closer, even though he had already been standing close enough to feel her chest move with every breath. The way she had looked at him, with half-lidded eyes full of unexpected hunger. He had seen plenty of different expressions on her face before, but never that one. Levi couldn’t quite believe he had been on the receiving end of that look.

He squeezed his eyes shut, his mouth going dry, hand working furiously. The words I can’t help but want you and I want to kiss you echoed in his brain. And Levi. His name spoken in such a soft manner, spoken close enough where he could feel the exhale that followed that last vowel. Tightening his grip, he let his thoughts run wild for once – not that he had much of a choice in this state. She was above him, knees digging into the mattress around his hips. Letting him taste the wine on her tongue, kissing him properly, deeply. Replacing his hand with her own. Teasing. White flashed behind Levi’s closed eyelids, and the images piled on, now fluttering away quickly, disconnected. Two bodies rolling around in clean sheets, hands roaming, mouths open. The curve of a back. Kisses covering a tattooed arm. Hips moving in a fluid, maddening motion. And Levi.

With a muffled groan and clenched teeth, he came. Breathing harshly, he threw his arm over his eyes, as though he could ever hide from his shame. This did not make him feel any better. Now, on top of everything else, he had to change the sheets.

He was clearly losing his mind.

He thought of what to do.

Every route he could take either seemed wildly embarrassing or wildly pathetic.

The events of yesterday morning floated through his thoughts. After she’d finished crying on his shoulder, the mapmaker had said that she wanted to keep training, if possible.

Levi sat up.

What did Hange always say? If there was something you didn’t know, you went to find out. He detested the fact that Hange’s words were what came to mind, but good advice was good advice.

If she wanted to train, he would oblige her. It was almost dawn, anyway.

Hastily, he changed his bed sheets and got dressed. As he wobbled through his room, he opened the chocolate bar she had given him and ate a few squares. Only a fool would turn down chocolate, after all. But he made sure to save some and wrap it back up carefully.

His fingers hesitated over his ODM gear trunk. He shouldn’t use it. And he wouldn’t need to. He knew that she didn’t need much of his help or guidance anymore, but he still wanted to watch over her while she trained, just in case. Knowing from experience that it was better to be safe than sorry, he unpacked his gear and began putting it on, not bothering with the blades and blade-holders.

I know that’s not what you want.

That was what she had said to him after declaring how much she wanted to kiss him, when he had stumbled towards her, without any sort of plan, but knowing that he couldn’t let her walk away after that. Another wave of exasperation washed over him.

I clean your ODM gear.

I talk with you, always, when I can barely stand the sound of most people’s voices.

I sit next to you on purpose.

How could she not see? What else did she want?

Levi pinched the bridge od his nose, forcing himself to be rational. He knew exactly what kind of person he was, what kind of faces he wore and what kind of utterances left his mouth. He led her to believe what he had thought he wanted. What he should want – a professional and perhaps friendly relationship. A superior officer and his subordinate.

He wanted more.

These wishes were unwise. Even if she somehow survived all future encounters with Titans and he managed not to witness her die in such a horrific way, he would inevitably disappoint her.

She was way too bright for him. He would only dim her light.

But he couldn’t help himself.

He was selfish, and the possibility of her was so, so intriguing.

With a churning stomach, he began the long and painful descent down the stairs. There were plenty of things he didn’t know, but intended to find out.

-

Dreams of poppy seed strudels were followed by ones of raging Titans. Their giant footsteps slammed against the ground. But, somehow, they felt too close, like they were right outside your door.

A loud and obnoxious knock racked through your skull, pulling you awake.

You went to grab your pillow, wanting to place it over your head to muffle the offensive sound, but your fingers couldn’t find it. You were uncomfortably warm. Was there a person in your bed? It felt like they had a few additional limbs. There was no way to check because your eyelids were apparently glued shut. Finally finding a pillow, you stuffed your face into it, only to find it suspiciously wet. With a groan, you threw it somewhere far, far away.

The knocking turned to pounding.

“Shut up,” you mumbled. Your tongue felt like it had been dragged through dirt.

A voice came to join the vile noise. “Open up or I’m coming in.”

Irritation forced you to open your eyes. That was no easy feat, and you had to blink many times before your eyesight returned.

What greeted you was the sight of Jessie’s open mouth. Drool dripped down his chin and onto the pillow – your pillow. Extremely confused as to why he would be in your bed, you glanced down. It seemed that he did have the normal amount of limbs, but there was another leg down there that wasn’t yours or his. Slowly turning around, you found a mop of disheveled blonde hair emitting deep sighs. At least Rae wasn’t slobbering all over your bed.

The banging on your door never ceased. As you slowly sat up, you vowed to throttle whoever was on the other side. You slipped away from Jessie and Rae, wondering how they could possibly be sleeping through all this racket.

You padded over to the door in your socks and threw it open.

A glass of water was instantly pushed into your hand.

“What?” you snapped, glaring at Levi with as much hatred as you could muster in your current state.

“What do you mean, what?” He placed something else in your other hand. Mint leaves? “It’s time for your training.”

Everything about this was puzzling to you. Why was he holding a bucket? It would be hard to throttle Levi, certainly, but if you took him by surprise, perhaps you could manage to do it. However, the thought of performing any sort of sudden movement right now made you want to pass out. “I really don’t feel like training right now,” you grumbled.

“Tough luck,” he said simply. “I’m already here. Your parties are none of my concern. Sober up and get ready.” He took your unmoving hands and pointedly pushed them towards your chest, all the while observing you with unusual interest. You were fairly certain there wasn’t anything suspicious on your face, though.

You gave him one more dirty look before turning around. You drank most of the water in one big gulp and placed the glass down on your desk. Throwing the mint leaves into your mouth and chewing on them slowly, grateful that a more pleasant taste was filling your mouth, you stalked towards the bathroom. You were vaguely aware that Levi had followed you into the room, but you paid him no mind, more focused on dragging your frazzled mind and exhausted body back to life.

Crouching in front of the bucket of water you had gotten from the well, you washed your face. The water was still somewhat cold, at least. You pushed your fingers into your eye sockets, sighing.

As your senses slowly began to awaken, last night’s events came rushing back in a sudden flood. You froze.

The sweet taste of cherry wine had made you dangerously bold, and you had gone out on a mission to seek Levi out, leaving Jessie and Rae in your room as they yelled out drunken encouragements. And then – so much had happened in mere minutes.

Your thumbs running along Levi’s cheekbones, making his face go slack. His hands on your waist. His burning gaze eager as it dipped down to your mouth. The softest brush of your lips against his.

You can push me away.

Why would I do that?

Slowly lowering your hands, you glanced over at Levi now, but his attention wasn’t on you.

Rae was stirring awake, frowning, her eyes still closed. She sat up, rubbing her face furiously, mumbling something about alcohol being a fair-weather friend. When she finally opened her jaded eyes, they instantly landed on Captain Levi, her superior officer, who was watching her impassively. She went completely still, like a deer caught in the middle of a busy road. Neither of them moved. Then, Rae pressed her lips together, unease painting her features. Levi handed her the bucket, and she hastily grabbed for it. The sound of puking made your own stomach turn.

Levi’s lips curled in disgust. “Tsk. I’ll be outside. Don’t take too long,” he called over his shoulder.

The door clicked shut behind him.

Rae stood up, opened the window and politely placed the bucket of vomit outside, then threw herself back onto your bed, going right back to sleep. All this time, Jessie hadn’t even moved. Only his quiet snores told you that he was still among the living.

You remembered Jessie's headstands and Rae's nonsensical mutters. A laugh escaped you. Your friends did not handle alcohol any better than you, clearly.

You continued to get ready, washing your face and your hands, and rinsing out your mouth. You grabbed some fresh clothes, then moved onto your ODM gear, fingers swiftly moving over all the clasps. Even though you wanted to learn to use the blades, you didn’t put the blade-holders on, unwilling to faff around with the extra weight today.

Unsurprisingly, your thoughts kept returning to Levi.

Last night, your mind had been blissfully blank, and all you truly wanted in your drunken ecstasy was to tell him how you felt, give him some chocolate and go on your merry way. That wasn’t exactly how it panned out.

What you had gotten from him was a conflicted, but longing look, warm hands tugging you closer, not pushing you away. His lips had parted to meet yours, not to scold you. You had almost kissed him, and he had almost kissed you back. Because he wanted to. To say that you were taken aback by such a reaction would be an understatement.

A shiver of satisfaction raced down your spine.

However, confusion quickly replaced any pleasure you might have felt at this revelation. Without the liquid courage coursing through your veins, you weren’t sure how to approach the subject again. You hoped Levi would, but he was already a man of few words, and you assumed he wouldn’t want to talk about this. Perhaps he regretted what had almost happened between you, and your lecture on impropriety was waiting right outside your door. Or maybe he simply never wanted to speak about this again, because it – you – weren’t what he wanted. What if he had simply got caught up in your words, or your actions, and made a mistake, a misjudgment?

Your mood quickly soured as your mind began to race.

Well, you wouldn’t know anything until you faced him. Searching for some of yesterday’s bravery and forcing yourself to be prepared for any sort of rejection or reprimand, you went out to meet him.

Another gift awaited you – a flask of hot, black tea. “Thanks,” you said as you took it from Levi. You tried to search his face for any sort of indication to what he was thinking about, but he kept his head turned, looking across the courtyard.

“I was thinking that you should train somewhere nearby today,” he said, still stubbornly refusing to meet your eyes. “I’d prefer it if you didn’t throw up from a horse ride.”

“I would prefer that, as well,” you grumbled, your irritation growing. It would seem that you would not talk about it, after all, or at least not until you figured out a way to broach the subject yourself. Which you planned to do, once your head cleared up a bit more. Still, you felt like it was common decency that the party that had not been drunk be the one to initiate such a conversation. It was an unwritten rule.

“Let’s go, then.”

While he led the way, you kept scowling at his back. Coward.

The two of you went into the thick forest that surrounded the castle. Sipping on the tea, you blinked in the bright morning light that seeped through the trees and did nothing to help your already aching head. How you were even going to train, you did not know.

Sooner than you expected, Levi stopped and threw his bag on the ground. He sat next to it, leaning against a tree, and finally looked up at you. His expression was fully guarded, not revealing anything. There was no trace of the wide-eyed, keen man you had glimpsed last night.

You threw your flask of tea onto his bag. “Should I do what we usually did?”

He nodded. “Just stay in my line of sight.”

Gritting your teeth, you promptly fired your wires and shot towards the trees. A moment alone to gather your throughts was exactly what you wanted. Levi’s presence was already exasperating. You couldn’t believe it, that you had almost kissed six hours earlier, and now all he wanted to do was watch you train. Ridiculous. You were the one nursing a headache. The least he could do was bring up what happened last night.

Everything in the world felt unfair right now.

The moment your feet landed on the first branch, you changed your mind about training. This might be the best possible way for you to vent out your frustration and clear your head. Sober up.

You did not stay in Levi’s line of sight. Blasting through the forest at break-neck speed, hair flying around your face, the still-cool morning hair ripping through your clothes, you found yourself smiling. You loved this, pushing yourself off tree trunks and free-falling through the air, before your gear would safely lead you onwards. At one point you flew over the place where Levi was and towards the castle. You had never trained so close to it, and you wanted to take advantage of this rare opportunity. Aiming your wires at the tallest tower of the castle, you grabbed the flag pole on the very top, twirling around it, your feet sliding over the smooth tiles. Laughing at yourself, you let yourself slip down the tiled roof of the tower, before shooting your wires again and returning to the forest.

As you soared through the air, you saw Levi standing. He gestured for you to come down, but not even an hour of your training had passed. You were tempted to ignore him, but that might make him come after you, considering he had his own ODM gear on. Despite how endlessly annoying he was being right now, you didn’t want him to worsen his injury even further, so you begrudgingly made your way down to the ground, dropping into a squat in front of him.

“I thought I told you to stay in my line of sight.”

You glared at him as you straightened. “I must have missed that. I’m nursing a bitch of a headache, you see.”

“Right.”

The amusement in his tone made you do a double-take, but he turned around before you could gauge his expression. Endlessly perplexed, you went to sit down by the tree, shaking your head to yourself. Hoping to figure Captain Levi out seemed a fruitless endeavor, truly.

Some of your anger ebbed, leaving only determination in its wake. You certainly weren’t going to ignore the issue forever if you intended not to go insane. Grabbing your tea to keep yourself busy until he sat down, you prepared to confront him.

Levi sat down.

You went rigid.

Something was off, you realized instantly, because he sat down right next to you. You were almost hip to hip and shoulder to shoulder, when he would normally always, always leave a respectable amount of space between you.

Slowly, you put your tea away and turned to face him.

He presented you with something small and wrapped in colorful paper. “I saved you some,” he said, placing the item onto your open palm. The chocolate you had given him last night.

Placing it beside your flask, you turned towards him again, your heart involuntarily speeding up. His eyes, light blue in the bright morning Sun, were searching your face cautiously. What he hoped to find, you weren’t sure, particularly because you didn’t feel in control of any part of your body right now. Wild hope soared up in your chest and, despite your best efforts, you couldn’t push it down. Before you could get a word in, however, he spoke up again.

“While I appreciate you calling my hair pretty yesterday, I assume you were too drunk to mean it,” he drawled, his voice casual, as if he was talking about the weather. “Sad, really. You must know I put in an insane amount of effort into my appearance,” he added sarcastically.

He almost fooled you.

More importantly, he gave you the perfect opening.

“I did mean it.” Your boot bumped into his leg as you tried to face him fully in the nonexistent space between your bodies. A tiny crease formed between his brows, as if he was trying to believe you, but couldn’t. “I did mean it,” you repeated softly. “I’m an honest drunk. I meant every word.”

“Did you?” he challenged for the sake of challenging, although his expression was beginning to morph into something similar to what you had seen last night.

“Yes, I did.”

You changed your mind all over again and decided that you were glad that nothing happened last night, while you were tripping over your feet and hiding in the dark. Because, if something were to happen, you wanted to experience it fully, properly, with a clear mind. You wanted to see him, to gauge his reaction to anything and everything that might occur between you.

Levi’s gaze flickered between your eyes, still uncertain. He opened his mouth, then closed it, the furrow between his brows deepening as he struggled to put something into words. His jaw clenched, a brief look of irritation passing over his face, but you assumed it wasn’t directed at you, but himself. While he was far from garrulous, whenever he did wish to say something, he did so without reservation, his wit as sharp as his tongue.

This was – new. Exciting.

Sparing him the trouble, you said, “While I was honest, I don’t expect anything from you. You are under no obligation to say or do anything.”

“I know,” he said.

Never breaking eye contact, he shifted closer ever so slightly, his shoulder bumping into yours. The warmth of his body seeped into your shoulder, your thigh. Although his gaze briefly left your face, sliding to the horizon, he exhaled softly. Your entire body tightened with anticipation.

“What did you drink last night?” he asked, looking back at you. His voice had an edge to it, like he was speaking around a lump in his throat. “Wine?”

You hummed in agreement as you stared at each other, warily. Two opponents in a ring. “Cherry.”

The air between you suddenly felt thick, hard to inhale, laced with tension and a dizzying haze of expectancy and wonder. On the cold, hard ground, you sat shoulder to shoulder, twisting slightly to face each other. Compared to last night, now a foot of space separated your noses. It was nothing. It was miles and miles.

Your eyes darted between his, searching.

In many ways, he looked the same as always, cold, confident. It was only because you were watching him so intently that you noticed his pupils dilating, the dim blue of his irises almost completely swallowed. And it was only because you were listening so closely that you heard his breathing picking up ever so slightly.

Both of you stood as still as statues.

A long, long pause ensued.

You clicked your tongue impatiently. “For fuck’s sake. We’re both incompetent.”

Levi frowned. “What –”

With one final breath that barely reached your lungs, you closed your eyes and leaned forward to kiss him.

You couldn’t help but hesitate, only gently pressing your lips to his, applying the barest amount of pressure, prepared to be pushed away and fired.

But Levi responded immediately, angling his head and kissing you back, his hand coming to cup your face. The contact, the warmth, it shocked you. You reached around him to grab him by the neck, placing your hand where coarse hair met warm skin. Your stomach plummeted.

They were chaste and gentle at first, the kisses you shared, and you felt your own hesitation replicated in the tightness of Levi’s shoulders. But after waiting for so long, it was like a dam had broken, and your other hand came to grab his shirt, fisting it so hard that your fingers hurt. His lips tasted of black tea, perfect and intoxicating and somehow comforting in all its obviousness. And that goddamn bottom lip of his, which you’d blatantly stared at last night, was now right where you had wanted it – rolling between your own lips. Soft and warm and tea-soaked.

Both of you slowly began to relax, melting into each other, and Levi’s thumb brushed along your cheekbone, touching you in the same gentle way you had touched him last night. A sigh, quiet and shaky, fell from his mouth.

Grabbing an opening when you saw it, you deepened the kiss. At the first tentative brush of your tongues, Levi sharply inhaled. His free hand snuck around your back until it found your hip and drew you even closer, pressing you into his side.

Encouraged by his reaction and wanting to fix this inconvenient angle, you wiggled out of his death grip, never breaking the kiss, and turned in place. Your knees protested against the hard ground beneath you, but you barely felt any pain, too preoccupied with the soft lips moving against your own. Holding onto Levi’s shoulders for support, you threw a leg over him and sat down on his thighs, straddling his hips. For a moment, you wondered if you were pushing it too far, but then he sat up straight so that his chest was flush against yours. Your heartbeat flared in your throat.

Finally finding yourselves face to face, the pace of the kiss quickened, growing even deeper, more desperate. You slid your hands into his hair, dragging your fingers from the bottom half of his shaved scalp and into the longer, silky strands. All of this, his mouth, his body, his hair, it felt decadent, like plunging a teaspoon into honey and tasting it with your eyes closed, until every last drop was gone. And so you couldn’t help yourself – you gave his hair a careful tug.

A small sound left Levi’s mouth, taking you completely by surprise and making you feel slightly faint. His head tilted further backwards. Every move of yours was met with equal fervor. One of his hands was on the small of your back, pressing you into his chest firmly, while the other sat on your hip. Slowly, hesitatingly, it dipped lower, and lower, clearing a burning path down the outside of your thigh. Under your clothes, goosebumps leaped up.

You dropped your hands onto his shoulders again, the muscles under his shirt hard and tight. The muscles of the strongest man alive. As powerful as he felt under your eager hands, what you admired even more was how good he smelled, fresh and clean, as expected. It made your head swim, the feeling of him pressed so closely against you, the knowledge that he seemed to want this as much as you.

As your heartbeat dropped between your legs, an accidental hum escaped you, pressed into his lips. His mouth momentarily fell open, but then he pulled you impossibly closer, higher, as though he would tip backwards and take you with him. You were drowning in his kisses. You couldn’t get enough.

Through the more than pleasant haze clouding your mind, you heard something. The sound of approaching hoofbeats, followed by an excited, bubbly voice. You have got to be kidding me.

You pulled away, but Levi’s mouth followed yours, capturing it once again.

It took all your willpower to push him away. You stared at each other, mouths open, lips red, breaths uneven.

You threw yourself off of him and landed hard on your ass just before Hange appeared, already talking up a storm. “There you guys are!” Hange grinned at you, wiggling their finger knowingly. “I saw that little trick of yours, where you spun around the flag pole. That looked so fun! I’ve already put it on my mental list of things I need to do before I die. Considering our line of work, I should probably do it right now, shouldn’t I?”

You nodded absentmindedly, struggling to catch your breath. Next to you, you heard Levi slowly breathing through his nose. You didn’t have to look at him to know that he was shooting daggers at Hange. You couldn’t look at him, anyway, not in front of Hange. Not when your tongue had just been in his mouth.

“You’re both so out of breath! You must have been training hard, huh?” You were certain that your ears were bright red at this point, but thankfully Hange didn’t wait for an answer. “Look what I’ve scored!” They lifted a bunch of bloody rabbits. You swiftly looked away before you got queasy. “We’ll be eating good tonight!”

Hange’s voice was too loud, ringing in your ears and causing your headache to return.

“Great,” you said weakly, just as Levi muttered, “How nice.”

They beamed. “It is, isn’t it? Now, believe it or not, my friends, I have actually sought you out for a reason.” Their eyes turned to you, their smile faltering. “I wanted to apologize.”

You stared at Hange blankly. “For what?”

“For the Developmental Research certificate. For Professor Wallen.” They scratched the back of their neck, the smile now completely gone. “I should have respected your wishes. It’s just, I truly believed that you deserved to be praised for your work. But I understand I shouldn’t have pushed that on you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right, Hange,” you said truthfully. Had that really happened just yesterday? You have already forgotten all about it, and you suspected that had something to do with the man sitting beside you. “My reaction was a bit overboard. It’s just been a long, hard few days.”

“I understand. So, we’re good?”

A small smile tugged on your mouth. “Of course.”

Their smile returned at full force. “That’s a relief.” Hange now eyed Levi. “Get up. Erwin needs your help.”

“Can it not wait?” Irritation seeped through his tone. You would have laughed at the absolute ridiculousness of the situation if you weren’t disgruntled yourself. You were well aware that you were in public, not that far from the Headquarters, but being interrupted twice now seemed plain unfair.

“Not really,” Hange said apologetically. “It’s about the MPs. They refuse to help with – uh, well.” Their eyes briefly slid over to you again, half-apologetic and half-amused. Evidently, you weren’t supposed to hear any of what they needed to discuss.

A beat passed, then Levi said, “Fine.” He got to his feet, seemingly with ease, although he was leaning solely on his good leg. Again, you contemplated siccing Jessie on him, but did not want to stress Rae out with such a spectacle.

A hand appeared in front of your face. You blinked, finally daring to look up into Levi’s eyes, which were now careful, hesitant. The sight of his slightly mused hair and red lips caused another wave of heat to creep up your neck.

“Your ankle,” you said.

“It’s fine,” he replied. His eyebrows curved upwards slightly as his expression softened.

Accepting his hand, you tried to school your expression into polite neutrality, even as your heart beat wildly. He leaned back to pull you onto your feet. Your fingertips were set ablaze as they brushed against his when your hands disconnected.

It seemed as though he didn’t know what to say, and Hange was waiting impatiently, so you offered, “It’s all right. Go. I’ll keep training some more.”

He looked less than thrilled, but merely said, “Be careful.”

After a moment of hesitation, you tentatively asked, “I’ll see you later?”

“You will,” he said, and you had to suppress a shiver.

This was for the better, perhaps. Even with the graphic and delicious images of taking him right here on the grass flashing through your mind, you knew that wasn’t right. He wouldn’t like that, and you were very interested in discovering what he did like.

And you still haven’t talked. At all. As much as you liked what had happened instead, that didn’t mean that you still didn’t need to talk to him about all of this. You’ve drunkenly poured your heart out, embarrassingly saying exactly what you thought about him in great detail, but he hasn’t said much.

As soon as Levi turned around, he leveled a murderous glare at Hange, which went ignored. They had slid off their horse and were already babbling something about harpoons and how underused they were. They went towards the castle, Levi limping slightly, and left you alone in the quiet forest.

Above your head, two doves chased each other, hiding among the tree branches, then soaring through the sky.

Heaving a sigh, you continued training, needing to vent out even more frustration now.

Chapter Text

The Theater of Mitras put on a play every single weekend, and was a lush, elegant place beloved by the elite. The plays ranged from suspenseful murder mysteries, with monocle-wearing detectives and fake blood, to lighthearted, somewhat absurd comedies brimming with plot holes and convenience.

While you were content to watch almost anything, tear-prone Wendy made sure the two of you never, ever missed one of those romances that lasted almost three hours. You indulged her, amused by both Wendy’s gasps and sniffs, and the dramatic plays themselves. Among the swooning, fainting and sighing, what all of those romances had in common was the Lip Touch.

The infamous Lip Touch occurred after a particularly passionate kisses between two lovers. The female love interest – and it was almost always the woman, you’d kept a tally – would look toward the crowd, wide-eyed and rumpled, and gingerly touch her lip. It was a gesture of shock, you supposed, or disbelief.

The Lip Touch had always made Wendy clutch her chest. You had always found it a funny overexaggeration, an understandably theatrical moment to show the audience the power of true love’s kiss. It was much easier to do that than to create a believable love story between two compatible people whose attraction made sense, and was enjoyable to watch unfold.

You would spend the walk home laughing at and bashing the ridiculous gesture. You’d had incredible kisses before, hot and passionate, and none of them had made you want to glance at an invisible camera and touch your own mouth.

Until now.

You did not do it, even though you wanted to. Because you were shocked and very much in disbelief. At Levi’s enthusiasm to kiss you, and to keep kissing you. The softness of his lips and the warmth of his breath. The small sound he’d made in the back of his throat. The way he’d caressed your cheek, your thigh. The hesitancy to touch you anywhere that might be deemed inappropriate, even after you had straddled him, barely resisting the urge to grind your hips into his.

The thing most responsible for your over-worked heart and over-heating body was the fact that it was Levi. Cold, stern Captain Levi, feared by most, respected by all. The man who’d scared you when you first joined the Survey Corps, then grew on you. Urging strength into your muscles, bringing you tea when you were in pain, claiming he liked seeing you smile, trying to comfort you when you were drowning in grief.

“Are you going to finish that?”

Jessie’s voice dragged you back to the present. The Scouts’ chatter returned at full force as you blinked down at the bowl of watery soup. Jessie was tapping the bowl before you with his spoon.

Too much had happened today, and now it was already dinner time.

Throughout ODM training, you were barely focused, managing not to die only by pure luck. You wanted to know whether that kiss was a one-time deal and whether Levi thought it was good and whether you would get to talk with him today. Embarrassment had burned in your cheeks. It was pathetic, perhaps, being so hung up on one kiss, but you could not help it, and you gave up trying. All you wanted was to know was what would happen next.

The afternoon was spent working in the infirmary, cleaning wounds, measuring temperatures, and helping soldiers bathe. The amount of naked bodies you had seen was not something you were proud of, but that was your job, and your eyes quickly learned to ignore all that skin and only snag on the reddish scars and wounds. At least most of the patients were feeling better as time passed. However, Stewart and Elizabeth were still in the beginning stages of their recovery, which would be long and painful.

Jessie had asked you what had happened between you and the Captain a thousand times, and Rae had told him to mind his business a thousand more. Unsurprisingly, Adam overheard the conversation since Jessie was incapable of whispering, and took your side, meaning that you'd had two teenagers defending you against the doctor.

Levi didn’t show up for dinner, leaving you and Jessie and Rae to eat alone, talking amongst yourselves quietly. The other half of the table was glaringly empty – the living proof of death.

As you shielded your soup from Jessie, someone called your name, and your head snapped up.

The sight was an unexpected one. “Oh. Hello, Moblit.”

“The Commander would like to speak with you,” Hange's assistant informed you formally.

“Uh, all right.” You glanced regretfully at your half-eaten dinner, then turned to Jessie and Rae. “Are you guys going to the infirmary again later?”

“We should,” Jessie said. “We need to keep an eye on Stewart and Elizabeth.”

“Do you want me to come?”

“No need.” A grin tugged on his mouth. “See, for all my endless kindness and generosity, I’d at least expect you to tell me what happened between you and –”

“See you tomorrow,” you said loudly, not missing the fact that Rae began lecturing Jessie on tactfulness the moment you turned around.

You frowned as you followed Moblit out of the dining hall. Was there something wrong with your map? Or was it finally time for you to receive a damn paycheck from the Survey Corps?

“Do you know where the Commander’s room is?” Moblit asked. You nodded. “Good. I’d accompany you, but I have some business to attend to. Excuse me.”

You dashed up the stairs that would lead you to Commander Erwin’s room. Wondering what this could be about, your stomach twisted with nerves. The Commander’s mask of even calm was much, much scarier than Levi’s expressionless severity.

Rapping your knuckles on Erwin's door, you waited until you heard a, “Come in."

“Good evening, Commander,” you said, closing the door behind you then turning to face the man. The sight before you made you stop dead in your tracks. “Oh. Uh, Section Commander. Captain.”

It shouldn’t have surprised you. The three of them were always together these days, planning whatever the Survey Corps next mission would be, and doing damage control for the last one. And yet, your addled, exhausted mind had not prepared you to see Levi now. You couldn’t say or do much in front of Hange and Erwin, anyway. Instantly you changed your mind, deeming Erwin much less scary than the man you’d breathlessly made out with hours ago, so you kept your gaze firmly on the Commander as you approached his desk, slamming your right fist over your heart.

Hange was sitting next to Erwin, scribbling something on a piece of paper, only looking up to give you a little wave. Levi was on the other side of the table, his legs crossed and covered by an array of documents. That was as far as you allowed your eyes to go – his lap. The same lap you’d wasted no time in hopping onto.

The intensity of Levi’s glare was palpable. Standing there, waiting the Commander to state his reason for summoning you, you felt ridiculous. Than annoyed at yourself for feeling so ridiculous. There was no reason for this to be so theatrical.

Finally, Erwin spoke up. “I apologize for calling you up here in the middle of dinner. I need to ask you but one question, and then you’re free to go.”

You shrugged, then connected your hands behind your back. “All right.”

“Do you intend to stay with the Survey Corps?”

“Yes,” you said, hesitation nowhere to be found.

Erwin blinked, slightly taken aback by your response. “You should know that we might not be needing your mapmaking skills for some time. I’m not sure if our next few missions will be expeditions akin to the one you’ve witnessed. Would you be content with staying a medical volunteer?”

“Of course. I’ll help however I can.” Inwardly, you turned over your words, examining them from all sides, and determining that it was the truth. You did want to stay. You did want to help.

Surprisingly, the Commander’s expression turned a shade warmer, kinder. “I’m glad to hear it. Well, you’ll be informed about our next mission soon, along with the rest of the Regiment. Thank you for coming and –”

It would be stupid and a little rude to leave this room without uttering a single word to Levi, but you weren’t sure how to go about it in front of an audience. Maybe you could at least try to gauge some of his thoughts. Although you feared glimpsing rejection or discomfort in his features, you could not help yourself, not with him sitting mere inches from where you were standing.

Ignoring the rest of Erwin’s peroration, you glanced over at Levi. His icy eyes were already trained on you.

To the untrained eye, it was the same inscrutable expression he always wore, one that would send any enemy running. But you were slowly beginning to see through the cracks. It didn’t escape you, the slight knit of his eyebrows, the storm hiding in his eyes. His mouth twitched to the side ever so slightly, as though he was biting the inside of his cheek.

What if he needed the same reassurance you were hoping for? Remembering the way he held you close, the gentle kisses he peppered your lips with at first, and the longer, dementedly hot kisses that followed, it wasn’t implausible.

What if he was just as confused as you were?

-

Levi was really fucking confused.

For once, the unexpected scenario that had hit him over the head had been a good one, even though such a small word could not do it justice. She had kissed him. They’d kissed. And it was better than anything his pitiful mind could have ever conjured up.

Nothing could have prepared him for it. The sweetness of her lips, the heat of her body, the goosebumps that has risen everywhere she’d touched him. How tenderly it had started, and how intense it swiftly became as they both grew more confident and curious and greedy. In his case, desperate. As her tongue brushed his, and her hands gripped his hair, he’d been close to shivering with pure, aching desperation.

His brain had shut off, the only thoughts left a nonsensical mix of finally, finally and so good and fuck, and if she’d taken him right there, on the cold, hard, bug-covered ground, he would have let her. More than let her. He would have probably begged her to do it again. And again. And again.

His pulse flared as he remembered it again. The way her gentle, careful hands felt in his hair. Her weight perched on his thighs, almost as close as she could be. Every brush of her tongue and press of her lips had stolen the air from his lungs, but breathing had never been less significant.

Levi caught the train of his thoughts, and forced it to come to a halt.

This was pathetic. He was acting pathetic.

Either way, Hange had waltzed in and forced them apart. Perhaps for the best, but he’d still scowled at them until late in the afternoon, when he had to stop before he got a headache.

After he’d left the mapmaker to train by herself, a new realization dawned, steeling his spine and tightening his chest. So focused on her, her lips and hands, he honestly had no idea what he had actually done to contribute to the kiss. Thinking in such a way made him burn with embarrassment and misdirected fury, but he had little choice over the matter. He wasn’t the most experienced man out there, which had never presented a problem before. But now, his stomach twisted at the thought that she’d been glad to scramble away from him while he’d reached out to pull her close again. Perhaps he had already disappointed her.

Safe to say, the day had quickly nosedived.

Now that she was here, he didn’t know what to do.

He wasn’t sure what was expected of him. Pretending that nothing had happened would, in some ways, be the wisest choice of action. They were colleagues, friends even, but that did not mean that they were compatible. The differences between them were glaring, they were impossible to ignore. Levi didn’t know how to give her what she wanted. But he still could not feign ignorance, not after she came to his door, tipsy and giggling, saying that she liked his company, spewing oddly phrased compliments and giving him a present. Not after he’d had a taste of her.

He wanted to see her – he always wanted to see her – to gauge her reaction, but certainly not in front of Erwin and Hange. He’d been holed up with them all day, corresponding with those assholes in Sina, and devising plans for their next mission. It was exhausting, and even more so when he wasn’t fully focused.

Wherever she went, so did his attention.

He watched her now, watched her throat bob, watched the dancing candlelight draw shadows on her beautiful face. Watched her ignore him.

Then, right as a sour taste began to creep over the back of his throat, she glanced over at him, and he almost flinched. While he kept his face carefully blank, her expression flickered like a flame, changing from nervous to confused. Lastly, her chin dipped, eyes steady and serious as she contemplated him with something akin to determination. Those infuriating lips of hers parted, and Levi found himself sitting up to hear what she had to say.

Her head snapped toward Erwin. “Uh, sorry?”

“I said you’re free to go,” Erwin said slowly.

“Right. Well, thank you.” She turned to leave.

Levi needed to kick someone. Either Erwin or Hange would do.

Suddenly, Hange exclaimed, “Oops! Dropped my quill!” They shuffled to the floor, palms loudly slapping the rough surface. “Oh, Erwin, it’s right next to your foot. Can you get it?”

With a long-suffering sigh, Erwin ducked under the table to help retrieve the lost quill.

“It’s right there, Erwin, gosh. It seems that you need glasses, too.”

A quiet swirl of movement, a faint smell of lavender, and the softest, most chaste kiss was placed on Levi’s cheek.

When he turned around, she was already walking out the door, closing it behind her quietly.

-

Levi didn’t pick you up for training.

Dawn had come and fled, and you were sitting on the bed, foot restlessly tapping against the floor. You’ve already had one cup of tea out of pure boredom. Finally having had enough of waiting, you unclasped your blade-holders and stood up, going to find him. Sprinting up the stairs, you reached his door and knocked. And waited. And waited. Not a single sound came from behind the door. You contemplated simply bursting into his room, but decided against it. Despite popular belief, you did value your life.

You assumed this meant you didn’t have training and that Levi was busy, probably in another meeting. You didn’t mind training alone, but you had hoped to see him, at the very least. Talk to him. Perhaps you could ask Rae to train with you. But first, breakfast.

-

Levi knew that he was late.

Harshly rubbing his exhausted eyes, he began the long descent down the stairs to find her and tell her that he couldn’t watch her train yet again. Last night’s meeting with Erwin and Hange had ended ten minutes ago, when they’d finally dispersed and went to find the Squad Leaders to inform them of the plan for their next mission. They would have to leave again soon, go back to Sina to talk with the Military Police and set up their traps throughout Stohess District.

Levi was already ready to drop. He dreaded having to deal with those incompetent MPs even more than the full-day ride, the stiff saddle and the sweat that would coat his bandaged ankle.

He needed some tea.

But first, to find her.

Last night, she’d kissed his cheek, a soundless, fleeting brush of lips, then promptly left. The message was clear. Your move, Captain.

He checked her room first, but she wasn’t there. He couldn’t hear a single thing behind the door, even though she would always be awake by this hour. Next, he limped over to the stables, but found no horses missing. Squinting over the courtyard, he watched the line of trees flanking the castle, expecting to eventually see her swerve into view. No such luck.

As a last resort, he went to the infirmary. He burst through the door, then froze.

Everyone was asleep. Compson, sat on the floor in the far corner of the teeming infirmary, his head lowered, snores erupting from his crouched form. Fairs had dragged a chair next to one of the makeshift beds and fell asleep there, her head thrown back, mouth slack. The curly-haired boy next to her, also asleep, was holding her hand. All the other patients were out of it, too, breathing deeply and steadily.

Slowly, Levi stepped back and closed the door as quietly as he could. As he turned, he barely avoided slamming into a boy who was coming up behind him.

“Sorry, Captain,” he muttered, grimacing slightly, then hastily saluting him.

Jean Kirstein, was it? One of Eren’s friends? “At ease, soldier. What is it?”

“Just going to the infirmary, sir.”

Levi eyed him from head to toe. The kid looked fine. “Why?”

“Uh, well, I have a headache. Sir.”

Levi resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He was fairly certain the entire Regiment was nursing a collective headache. Hardly a reason to bother the medics first thing in the morning. “They’re closed,” he said flatly.

Jean’s eyes slid over to the infirmary door, which Levi was blocking. “But –” Whatever was on Levi’s face made Jean snap his mouth shut. “I’ll come back later,” he added quickly.

Jean gulped, saluted him once more, and hurried off.

Levi waited for the boy for round the corner before beginning the long trek to the dining hall. That was the last place he could think to look for her.

-

A few days ago, when you had needed to go to the kitchens a thousand times to bring all the patients some food, you discovered another door than allowed you to save some time by not going all the way through the courtyard. You stepped through that very door now, passing through the kitchens and greeting the Scouts who were cooking oatmeal and baking bread. You went into the dining hall to wait for breakfast to be ready.

It was entirely empty, save for one person. The very person you wanted to see.

He was sitting in his usual spot and his arm was thrown over the back of the chair you would normally occupy. With nothing to bother him but the quiet clinking coming from the kitchen, his gaze was distant, yet somehow hard. The thoughts rushing through his head couldn’t have been pleasant.

Before you were caught staring, you stepped toward him, stomach twisting with anticipatory nerves.

“Are you saving that seat for someone?”

Levi’s head snapped up. The scowl nestled between his brows disappeared. For a moment, though, his shoulders tensed, his eyes taking on a sheen of wariness, looking at you like he did on that very first carriage ride. Your heart sank, but before you could bolt, Levi seemed to will himself to relax, dropping his lids low, smoothing out the strain in his back. Funnily enough, you found yourself doing the same.

“Where’d you come from?” he asked. His fingers dug into the wood of the chair beside him, and he pulled it out.

That was as good an invitation as any.

His eyes followed you with a sort of hungry intensity as you stepped closer. “I came through the kitchens,” you replied, gingerly taking a seat next to him. His arm remained where it was, fingertips just shy of brushing your neck. “No training this morning?”

“I have to leave for Stohess soon,” he said, sounding less than thrilled.

“I’ll train by myself, then. Or I’ll see if Rae can join me.”

A pause ensued. Then, as one, you turned to face each other.

“We should –”

“I wanted to –”

Another pause.

At the same time, you both said, “You go first.”

A small smile tugged on your mouth, and Levi’s shoulders slumped, now actually appearing slightly more at ease instead of putting up a facade. Briefly, his gaze flickered to your knees, which had pressed against his. Barely touching, yet the heat from his body seeped into you. It felt like sitting next to an open flame.

This, whatever unnamed thing was going on between you, was so utterly ridiculous that you would have laughed if you weren’t so tightly strung and desperate for answers.

“We should talk,” you said finally.

He nodded, serious. “I know.”

Relieved that he wasn’t ignoring this, ignoring you, you began, “Well, what do you –”

The doors of the dining hall burst open, and Scouts started pooling in, rubbing the sleep from their eyes and talking amongst themselves. Some were still wrapped in their sleeping clothes, stumbling down the stairs, while others – Squad Leaders, mostly – doned their uniforms, just missing their cloaks.

“Seriously?” you muttered. There was usually no one in the dining hall at this hour.

Levi sighed, letting his arm fall from the back of your chair. “It’s because of the upcoming mission. The Squad Leaders need to inform their squads so everyone can be up to date with the plan and get ready.”

“Does that include me?” you asked, distracted by this piece of news. Already it was time for another Survey Corps’ mission. Something equally dangerous as that last expedition, surely. Something that you would be a part of again. Willingly. Foolishly.

“Yes. I was going to –”

Hange appeared out of thin air and bounced into the seat next to Levi. “Hello!” Surprisingly, Moblit and Erwin followed, and they joined your table, quietly pulling out chairs to sit down. Jessie and Rae were right behind them, blinking rapidly in an effort to wake up. They rubbed their necks in sync, wearing matching frowns that oddly make them look like siblings.

With your table now full, you had no choice but to turn away from Levi. Erwin, Hange and Moblit were unexpected additions to your little group, but you didn’t mind that they joined you. Anything that made your table less empty, less silent, less glaringly devoid of the four other people that would have otherwise been sitting with you.

Otherwise. If they hadn’t been torn to shreds by a Titan unlike any other. A wave of nausea rippled through you, and you desperately wished for a soothing cup of tea.

Without much prompt, Commander Erwin said, “It’s time for you to hear the plan.”

Jessie, Rae and you sat up, at attention.

“Have the three of you seen the Female Titan on the expedition?”

Rae shook her head. “We’ve only heard of her from our patients.”

A Titan that looked like a huge woman turned inside out. The mere thought of such a creature made you shudder. No, not a creature. A person. Somewhere inside of that Titan was a human intent on kidnapping Eren.

“I’m sure you’ve come to the conclusion that she’s no mere Titan,” Erwin said. Three nods followed the words. “Well, we believe we know the identity of this Female Titan. Does the name Annie Leonhart mean anything to you?” Three heads shook. Erwin gave each of you aaa careful once-over, as though he believed you might be lying. Eventually, he continued, “Some of our younger recruits know her, and based on what we’ve learned from them, we have reasons to believe that she’s the Female Titan. We intend to test that theory, and, if it proves correct, capture her.”

It was quite obvious that you were being told the bare minimum, but you still listened, rapt. At some point, someone had brought over a tray with a pot of steaming hot oatmeal, as well as a teapot. The food mostly went ignored, but the tea was utilized, the teapot traveling from hand to hand. Commander Erwin told you how he intended to capture this Annie Leonhart in Stohess, and what part you had to play.

The medics’ task seemed difficult, but surprisingly not impossible. Not all that dangerous, either, albeit that might have been a slight deception on the Commander’s part. Jessie, Rae and you were to stay together at all times, which came as a relief.

After the Commander had finished explaining the outlines of his plan, you asked, “When do we leave for Stohess?”

“In two or three days, most likely. But I would suggest that you pack today, just in case a suitable opportunity presents itself sooner.” Erwin’s gaze cut to Jessie. “Pack up what you need from the infirmary, but not more. For logistical reasons, your team will not be able to bring as much equipment as you’d carried on the expedition. And if there’s something you don’t have but need, let me know.”

“Morphine,” Jessie said instantly. “We’ve almost used up our supplies.”

“Is that really a necessity?” Erwin asked with a small frown. Morphine was an expensive luxury for the Survey Corps’ constantly depleting budget.

“If you want your subordinates to not be in constant pain, yes,” Jessie said, an unexpected dark tone coating the words. Rae shot him a nervous look, prepared to intercept, if need be.

The Commander considered this, then simply nodded. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Jessie gave him an utterly unimpressed look, but didn’t push the issue further.

As the Squad Leaders finished informing their teams about the mission, they started to leave the dining hall in groups, going back to their chores and other activities. Moblit was the first to leave from your table, excusing himself politely, claiming that he needed to find Miche.

Erwin stood up shortly afterwards, giving Levi and Hange a pointed look. With a long sign, Hange followed, stretching their arms over their head, but Levi seemed to take no notice of the Commander’s wordless order.

“Coming, Levi?” asked Hange.

“I haven’t finished my tea, have I?” Levi replied flatly. He jutted his chin toward the door. “Go. I’ll be out soon.”

You lingered in your seat, as well, sipping your tea so slowly that it went cold. Of course, this didn’t escape Jessie’s attention, and the beginnings of a grin threatened to tear his face in two.

Eagle-eyed Rae noticed it, too, but she was much more tactful, and not to mention polite. She finished her tea in one gulp, then ordered, “Let’s go, Jessie. We should check up on Stewart.” In lieu of waiting for a reply, she hauled the doctor to his feet and began to drag him away.

“Rae, wait,” you called. She turned back, surprised. “Would you want to train with me later? Maybe after we’ve packed up everything in the infirmary?”

She smiled. “Sure. We can practice the twist and turn.”

“I love that name,” Jessie piped in. Behind Levi’s back, he made a kissing face at you, before a much smaller and stronger Rae pulled him out of the dining hall.

You and Levi sipped your tea in silence, watching as the rest of the Regiment slowly vacated the dinning hall. It was getting increasingly hard not to laugh at the absolute absurdity of this whole situation. When the last person finally cleared out and it was just the two of you left in an empty dining hall, it suddenly wasn’t funny anymore. At all. Your enire body grew tense, your stomach a bottomless pit, but you forced yourself to swivel toward Levi again.

He lowered his teacup, the tiny clink echoing through the desolate hall. This time, it was his knee that pressed into yours as he turned to face you once more. He watched you from under lowered lashes, eyes boring into yours.

Something hot and heady sat between you, like a shot of whiskey. Two days ago, under the effects of both wine and bone-deep exhaustion, you had poured your little heart out to Levi, clumsily but earnestly. And yesterday, you made your stance quite clear, dotting a kiss onto his cheek, a much more chaste indication of your feelings.

So now, you waited for him to say something.

The first thing out of his mouth was, “I don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“If this is some kind of joke, I don’t find it amusing.”

You tilted your head to the side, scrambling for purchase in this already odd conversation. “I know I’m usually quite funny, but I have no clue what you’re talking about right now.”

“You’re rarely funny,” he muttered.

“Rarely? So sometimes, I am?” Forcing lightheartedness into your voice seemed a fruitless endeavor, so you fell quiet once more, waiting for him to elaborate on what the hell he was even talking about.

Levi hesitated for a while, as though the words were stuck in his throat. When he succeeded in forcing them out, paradoxically, they came out mechanic and detached. “I don’t understand why you would want someone like me.”

You felt a pang in your chest. Exactly how little did Levi think of himself? “I’ve already told you,” you said gently. “In too much detail, actually.”

His brows drew together as he contemplated this, eyes still combing through the shades of your expression. Had he truly thought this was some sort of joke? You waited, letting him sort through his thoughts, and pretended not to notice when his arm returned to rest on the back of your chair, less than an inch away from your shoulder.

“This isn’t wise,” he said slowly. A responsible and practical retort. You weren’t sure if he was convincing himself or you.

“Does that mean you don’t want it?”

His jaw clenched briefly. “That’s not what I said, is it?”

Finally, finally, he gave you something. A kernel of the truth. You felt like a teenager again, listening to your first crush begrudgingly admitting that they liked you. “I know it isn’t wise,” you said, frowning slightly. “This one expedition was proof enough. How quickly people disappear. How lethal distractions can be.” Pushing away all the bloody images that threatened to come back at full force, you repeated, “I know it isn’t wise.”

After another bout of silence, he asked, “Does that mean you don’t want it?”

“No,” you admitted. It was too late to lie, too late to turn back. And you didn’t want to.

Levi nodded curtly. Somewhat awkwardly. You bit the inside of your cheek hard, but a smile must have slipped through, because his eyes narrowed on your mouth. “Is something funny?” he asked sternly. It was hard to believe you ever feared him.

“Not really,” you said, desperately trying to reign in your amusement. “We’re both just acting so strange.”

“Well, I agree with you there. I hope you’re not expecting some sort of speech now,” he said, a shade of that familiar glare returning to his stormy eyes.

Apparently, you were to blame for his lack of social skills. Again, you almost laughed.

“I’m not,” you said, choosing to be diplomatic when all you wanted was to make fun of him. Well, that, and to kiss him until your lips bruised. “I just - I just don’t want to assume wrong.”

The minuscule changes on his face morphed into something familiar. Cold determination, the expression you had seen him wear right before the expedition. His battle face, the last barrier between him and certain death.

His throat worked as he swallowed, seemingly with some difficulty. His fingers grazed your shoulder, then carefully slid upwards over the slope, until they met the bare skin on the back of your neck. A crackle of heat followed the gentle touch. The pressure he applied was close to nonexistent, but you began to lean in, to meet him half-way.

Levi’s gaze darkened as it dipped to your mouth. He didn’t seem to be breathing, or maybe you just couldn’t hear it over the blood rushing in your ears. Sweet anticipation sent shivers down your spine. This time, it wasn’t you coming in swiftly, lips pursed, and hoping for the best. This time, there was no doubt to what was about to happen.

Much too soon, he stopped. “Do you get it yet?” he murmured, a hair’s breadth away from your face.

Lids shuttered, lips parted, eyes ablaze, he looked drunk. You felt a little drunk, everything around you warm and hazy and molten, although that could have simply been the effect of Levi’s breath dancing across your lips.

Your noses brushed. “Hmm, not quite,” you whispered, lifting a hand to his chest. “Maybe you should elaborate further?”

He obliged you, bringing his mouth to yours. A tender, innocent press of lips, a question as much as it was an answer. You parted, heaving simultaneous sighs, but then you sought out his lips again, kissed him again.

His hand abandoned the back of your neck only to cup your cheek, spreading warmth in its wake, thumb skating along your cheekbone. Shock rippled through you at the gentleness of his touch. Slowly, your tongue slid along the seam between his lips, tipping his mouth open and deepening the kiss. One or both of you shivered, and Levi’s free hand grabbed your hip, urging you closer until your knees hit his chair. Your nails dug into his chest as though they could reach what was under his clothes.

It was tempting to let the fire built, to let him tug you onto his lap and ease the ache burning between your thighs, but you resisted the urge to do so. Instead you kept the kisses slow and deep, unhurried and indulgent. Every pause was as maddening as the kisses themselves, with your breaths tangling, lips and tongues catching, noses brushing.

He had to leave soon, but you had your answer.

When you broke apart, it was only your dignity that stopped you from outright panting. You inhaled slowly, taking in the stuttering movement of Levi’s chest, the brightness of his eyes, his red and glistening lips. You flattened your palm against his shirt, dragging it up until you reached his neck, where you brushed your thumb down his Adam’s apple. Only then did you pull away.

That urge to daintily touch your mouth like a damsel in a play rose again, but you smothered it before you could embarrass yourself.

Unsurprisingly, Levi ruined the moment by opening his mouth. “Are we clear?” he asked, his faux stern voice a stark contrast to the gentle hand that dropped from your face and ran down the length of your arm.

A breathless laugh escaped you. “Crystal clear, Captain. Would you like me to salute you?”

A rare trace of amusement flashed in his eyes, and you were so, so relieved to see it that you almost leapt at him again. “Some respect would be appreciated,” he drawled. To humor him, you pounded your fist against your heart, but he clicked his tongue, dissatisfied. “You’re not even doing it right. Your left arm should be behind your back.”

“I didn’t know that,” you lied. “No one showed me how it’s supposed to look.”

“You should have paid more attention,” he muttered, grabbing your left hand and guiding it behind your back.

He realized what you were doing when he leaned forward and you didn’t lean backwards, meeting his burning gaze straight on. His shifted to the edge of his chair, folding your left arm behind your back and closing his fist around yours. “Like that,” he said quietly, finding himself mere inches away from your face again.

You freed your hand, only to bring both to his face and draw him in for a couple more soft, quick kisses. His hands came to rest on your waist as he leaned into you. Pressing your lips against his almost managed to dull the smile determined to break through. Almost.

After what felt like a million tiny, peppered pecks – still somehow an insufficient amount – you pulled away.

Like this, with his face between your hands, his thumbs drawing aimless circles into your hips, eyelids heavy and lips kiss-swollen, he looked different. Soft. More vulnerable. Still intoxicated. Less like a Captain, and more like the Levi you still didn’t know all that well.

The Levi who wanted you.

Perhaps feeling uneasy under your eager gaze, he took you by the wrists and guided your hands away from his face and into your lap. He didn’t let go, though. You wondered if he could feel your rapid pulse under his fingertips.

This was so strange, getting this kind of attention from him, teasing him and getting teased back. If someone had told you a month ago that once day you’d be flirting with the Captain Levi, you would have sent them to Jessie for fear that they’ve suffered a concussion.

In the breathless silence, Wendy’s words unexpectedly floated through your brain. “Wooing is an ancient art, dearest, one you should utilize to the fullest,” she’d claim, usually going on these tangents after seeing a particularly romantic, pearl-clutching play.

“Ask questions only if you are ready to answer the same ones. Listen. Be vulnerable, but unyielding in your beliefs. Take and give in equal measure.” Wendy would list countless more rules for successful wooing. To be fair, all of that was good advice, but you would always joke about only ever needing a single snappy sentence to ‘woo’ someone.

“Tasteless!” Wendy would exclaim, growing more horrified as you began to spew the most awful pick-up lines, the ones that would make any woman either cringe or laugh, but would certainly not be a ticket to her bed.

The mere thought of uttering the words if I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together in Levi’s presence made you laugh.

“What?” Levi asked, briefly tensing.

You shook your head. “Nothing. Just getting used to this,” you said, gesturing between the two of you.

He nodded.

A small seed of doubt burrowed into your mind, and you had to ask, “I know I said that we were both acting a little strange. But this,” you waved your hand between your chairs again, “isn’t bad-strange, right?”

“That isn’t a word,” he said. “And I thought I’d made myself clear regarding that.”

You couldn’t even feign annoyance properly, not when you felt so warm, not when he was still holding onto your wrists, thumbs aimlessly grazing over the veins there. This moment felt unreal, a secret to be tucked away and cherished.

He glanced over at the doors. “I really do need to go.”

“I know.” You could practically feel Hange getting ready to swoop down here and get him. They’d interrupted you once already, so it was bound to happen again, especially since you and Levi were developing an unusual habit of kissing in public spaces. You'd need to unpack the strangeness of that later.

Suddenly, he said, “I’ll be back by tonight.” A singular sentence later, some of his resolve seemed to crumble, a frown settling, but he pushed through it once more. “Are you busy?”

This already sounded promising. “No.”

“Come over for tea, then. After you’re done in the infirmary.”

“Tea,” you repeated slowly. The heat that had subsided after your kiss returned at full force. You desperately tried not to grin, but you couldn’t help it. As much as you loved tea, and as much as he loved tea, you could only drink so much of it in his very nice, very private room that no one else dared enter before you inevitably moved on to some other activities.

Noting your expression, he scowled. “There will be tea.”

A laugh bubbled out of you. “Considering it’s you, I don’t doubt it.” Swaying forward, you softly requested, “Come here, Levi.”

You were close enough to hear his sharp intake of breath, see his nostrils flare, even as the rest of his expression remained unchanged. Eyelashes fluttering, Levi leaned in to kiss you one last time, and despite how short and sweet the peck was, it held promise of what could come, should you both want it.

You smiled. “I’ll see you tonight.”

Chapter Text

“What is wrong with you?”

A flinch rocked through you, almost causing you to spill the glass of urine. “What?”

Jessie raised a brow, amused. “You’ve been crouching there and staring at that glass of piss for a concerning amount of time. Seriously, you’re scaring the patients. Do you need some help, or are you somewhere else entirely?”

Rae glanced over from where she was packing up the last of Jessie’s equipment, but all she did was snort quietly. Some of the still residing patients were looking at you oddly, but had the decency to pretend otherwise when you caught their eye.

“What has that pee been telling you, mapmaker?” Jessie asked.

You pushed yourself upright and realized that your legs had gone a bit numb. You shook them out as you considered the glass of yellow liquid in your hand. The name Markl was scribbled on the side in Jessie’s slanted, nearly incomprehensible handwriting, an apparent prerequisite for becoming a doctor.

“It smells like – eggs?” you ventured, tipping the glass towards him. Despite all that you’ve learned alongside Jessie and all the experience you’ve gained as a medical volunteer, seeing him sniff a glass of urine still made your stomach clench briefly.

“Rotten eggs,” he confirmed, a frown settling.

“How do we know if it’s merely dehydration, or something more serious?” Infections, liver disease, a result of inadequate medication – those were not things you could treat right now, not with the supplies you had on hand, not when you were supposed to be cleaning out your little infirmary and getting ready to leave the old castle behind.

“We focus on water intake first, as well as whatever measly fruit and vegetables we can get here.” He stuck a strip of fabric into the glass and turned away to examine it further. “We’ll test Markl again once we reach Stohess and settle down, and then we will have our answer.” Sensing your unease, he smiled over his shoulder and said, “Don’t fret. All will be well with our Markl, that I can promise you.”

The man in question jumped off a table-turned-bed and almost managed to hide his wince as his bandaged heel met the ground. “I agree with Doc,” Markl said, although his grin was unconvincing. “Thank you for seeing me again, you three. I promise I’ll take it slow. But I’ll be off now. I should pack up before I invoke either the Commander’s or the Captain’s wrath.”

Jessie laughed, but Rae calmly said, “Neither of them are wrathful,” which earned her some disbelieving glances.

Amused, you wondered if Rae liked Levi even more than you, but that only made him surge to the front of your thoughts again – a place he had scarcely left since this morning.

“You’re a little distracted,” Rae said. Despite her low tone, you saw a smirk pull on Jessie’s mouth from across the room.

“I’m sorry,” you murmured, scanning the strangely desolate infirmary if only to avoid Jessie’s curious glance. “Have I missed anything?”

“No, no.” Rae’s blonde hair swayed across her shoulders as she shook her head. “We’re practically done here, anyway. There are only a few more bandages to change and some more bottles of distilled alcohol to wrap up. We did everything we could here, I think.”

The look on her face was critical, but her tone was soft, maybe even yearning. This little room had been a make-shift infirmary for over a month, a place where you learned more than you ever thought possible, a place where you saw blood and tears, bones and cries, where you yourself bled and cried, where you saw some people dragged from the clutches of death, and where you heard others’ last intake of breath. Ghosts lurked over the bloodied beds, people you could not save.

But despite the pain breathing among these walls, this was also the place where the three of you became a team. It was where you spent hours every single day, hunched over drawings of the human body, piles of equipment, cups of tea, bodies. It was where you tried and failed, tried and succeeded, proved yourself, realized that there were two people you could always lean on. This place was yours, and you were beyond proud of everything you had done here with Jessie and Rae.

You cleared your throat. “I’ll change Darla’s bandages.”

“No, no,” Rae repeated, catching herself. She must have slipped into the well of memories, too. “What I meant was, there’s not much to do here anymore. And it’s getting late. Maybe you should go and rest a bit.” Her lips quivered, but she successfully held back any kind of mockery. “Or deal with whatever’s distracting you.”

Content to ignore Jessie’s palpable amusement, you started, “Rae –”

“I’m sure.”

“I don’t mind staying. I want to help.”

“We don’t need you to,” she insisted.

With her tone leaving very little room to argue, you finally turned to your official superior, who looked like anything but. Strangely, all Jessie did was grin and say, “We’ll find you if anything goes amiss.”

“Which it won’t,” Rae added and gently pushed you towards the door.

Exhausted, you accepted their act of kindness – slight mockery aside – and carefully stepped through the last group of patients waiting to get an all-clear before they could return to their chores and packing. There were soldiers that would need to be driven to Stohess in a cart, but Jessie made sure that most were able to ride, and stuffed cooling ointment for the inevitable chaffting problem into an army of thin bottles. It was still unknown when exactly you’d be leaving, but everyone was prepared to take off in a moment’s notice. Anticipation hung in the air, as well as a mix of annoyance and relief – some were upset about going on another mission so soon, while others were simply glad they’d finally leave this dilapidated castle behind.

You stepped into the room you’d called your own for a month, and leaned against the door.

Unsurprisingly, your mind was quick to remind you of a fact that would have meant nothing mere weeks ago and now made your insides clench.

I’m seeing Levi soon.

For all your teasing, you truly had no idea whether Levi was inviting you over for tea or tea. Giddiness made all your muscles tighten and you felt like you were going on a first date. But then that felt all wrong, because you knew him too well by now for this to be a first anything, and also associating him with dating in any capacity seemed far-fetched at best, and naïve at worst. This wasn’t a date, or a normal situation altogether. This was Levi.

You could still feel the drag of his mouth over yours, the eagerness in his hands and the reservation in his shoulders.

“How did this even happen?” you wondered aloud, then realized you might be losing it.

Deciding that it was better to be prepared than disappointed, you took a long bath, desperate to rid your skin of the distinctive smell of the infirmary. You had spent the day training and packing, both your own clothes and maps, as well as Jessie’s medical supplies and some of the patients’ things.

Stepping out of the bathtub and onto a towel, you continued to get ready – for a tea party or something else entirely – brushing your hair and washing your face. Your hands hesitated over your bag, filled mostly with simple and comfortable items, fit for working or training. Once again, you supposed it was better to be safe than sorry. Laughing quietly at yourself, you grabbed the nicest pair of underwear you’d brought.

-

“What is wrong with you?”

Levi turned a foul look on Hange. “What’s wrong, Four-Eyes, is that you’ve been a chip on my shoulder all fucking day. And now you’re following me like the world’s most annoying shadow.”

He heard Hange stop and could imagine their exaggerated aghast expression perfectly, but he continued limping up the stairs without turning around. His stomach was in knots and he was anxious to get to his room, to take a bath, to breathe, to think.

Passing by the mapmaker’s closed door moments ago had felt like walking by an open flame – and Levi was a fool desperate to get burned.

“I am not following you,” Hange insisted as they stomped next to him. “My room is upstairs, too, you know.”

“Then walk either slower or faster than me,” Levi said. “Just get out of my sight.”

“Can’t.” Their voice was cheerful and much too loud “Walking together only makes sense in this instance, dearest, pissiest Levi, since we’ve agreed to meet with Erwin again later.”

That made him pause. He would have remembered an agreement like that. “No, we haven’t.”

“Yes, well, I want to,” said Hange with a pout. “I need your help to plan Eren’s –”

Many, many more words were said, but all Levi heard was not urgent. “No,” he said, fighting to keep his already fraying nerves in check. The mapmaker would have heard that their group had returned by now, which meant she’d be here soon. “We have our next mission planned, Hange. Focus on that.”

“But –”

They’d reached Levi’s room, and his heart sped up. “No,” he repeated, stepping through the doorway. Before Hange could say anything else, he slammed the door in their face and made damn certain to lock it. Hange kicked at it, but he heard them leave soon enough, yelling out for Moblit.

He turned around and took in his room as though he was seeing it for the first time.

He wasn’t sure if the mapmaker was coming over for tea or tea. He wasn’t used to speaking in code to people other than Erwin and Hange so he didn’t know if he was misunderstanding the inflation and undertone of that word entirely. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t been thinking of tea when he had invited her, but he would be more than content to simply be near her again, exchanging sorry excuses for jokes and listening to her complain about something trivial.

And yet, he still scrubbed himself clean and changed into fresh clothes, ones that didn’t bear the markings of the long day he’d had. He even got the fire going, something he almost never indulged in. Feeling completely and utterly ridiculous, he almost regretted inviting her at all, because now he was acting like a damn teenager for no real reason, staring at his fresh bedsheets and imagining her on them, all smirks and slow hands. He busied himself with making the tea in the kitchen before returning to his room, where he tapped his foot, then got mad at himself for doing so, then started rapping his knuckles on the table.

The mission ahead, that was what he should have been thinking of, not doing this – whatever this was, whatever it would be. His mind itched to stray, to imagine flashes of skin and round, pink lips, but he forced himself to be reasonable. Merely kissing her felt dangerous, so perhaps he should hope nothing more than that happened tonight.

The moment she knocked, though, any regret he though he felt about asking her to come over disappeared, making way for an entirely new set of nerves. Levi was out of his depth, pushed so far out of his comfort zone that he couldn’t even see the door anymore.

But he’d never once backed down from a challenge.

-

“Hi.” Before you could say another word, a heavy, woodsy, pleasant smell distracted you. “Oh, wow. The tea smells really good.”

“I told you there would be tea,” Levi said, moving to the side to let you into his room. He stood on his good leg, the other poised half an inch above the floor.

“And I never doubted you.”

You walked into his room – for the first time, you realized. It was a great deal nicer than yours, mostly because of the twirling, crinkling fireplace and the huge windows overlooking the ever-busy courtyard and the dark forest. A mountain of cleaning supplies and mops was pushed to the side, lurking behind a shiny ODM trunk. Everything, from the windows to the headboard was polished to perfection, the sheets and pillows devoid of crinkles, which was no surprise for the cleanest man in the military. The only light came from the dancing fire in the hearth and two thick candles on his desk, as well as what scarce moonlight managed to force its way through the curtains.

You took a seat in one of the chairs by the desk, where he’d placed two cups of steaming tea. Leaning over your mug, you inhaled deeply as he slowly came to join you, seating himsef on the remaining chair. “This isn’t plain black tea, is it?”

He confirmed your suspicions by saying, “I made a blend with things I found in the kitchen.”

You took a sip. “Cinnamon,” you said immediately and he nodded. There was something else there, something fruity and sweet, but you couldn’t put your finger on it. “Strawberries?” you guessed blindly.

“Raspberries and raspberry leaves,” he corrected.

“It’s a really good blend.” You crossed your legs and slid down the back of the chair slightly, making yourself comfortable. Levi picked up his mug in that unsettling way of his, and when he noticed you frowning at it, he rocket it back and forth, making the liquid slosh against the sides. “You know, if this whole soldier thing doesn’t work out for you, you should open a tea shop.”

“And if your whole three-in-one thing doesn’t work out, perhaps you should stick to being a mapmaker. Or is that too boring for you?”

You gave him a flat look, but took no offense as you’d learned by now that he needed to have a comeback to every little dig. If my thing doesn’t work out, that would mean I’m dead. Not wanting to go down road, you moved onto another subject. “How did it go in Stohess today?”

“We’re as prepared as we can be,” he answered. “And what about you? What have you been doing all day?”

“Sniffing piss.” His eyebrows shot up. He didn’t ask for an explanation, but you still offered one. “Jessie was concerned some of the patients weren’t responding ideally to the medication we’d given them – which is the only one we have, mind you. We’ll run some more tests once we get to Stohess and then we’ll know for sure. But he assures me they’ll be okay until then.” The cinnamon-rich tea warmed you up from the inside. “Other than that, we packed up all of the supplies. We’re ready to go.”

As he nodded approval, he straightened his left leg out, and your eyes wandered over to it. His pant leg and shoe hid any evidence of an injury, but you knew his ankle was bandaged and, hopefully, beginning to heal. Jessie’d said it would be a while before Levi could walk comfortably again. “I never got to ask you, how did you hurt your leg?”

All he said at first was, “The Female Titan,” but when he glanced over and saw what must have been curiosity on your face, he begrudgingly added, “She had taken Eren. Me and one of his brat friends were trying to get him back. We succeeded, I guess, but she got away. And, well –” He gestured to his own leg with a disapproving frown. “Did you see her?”

“The Female Titan? No, she never got that close to our cart. We did run into some of her friends, though,” you replied, remembering the Titan that ran on all fours, salivating and crazy-eyed, hungry for blood. A monster.

Everything else that had happened in that cursed, abandoned village gnawed at the back of your mind, but you had gotten fairly good at ignoring painful memories over the years. And while you knew those buried feelings would some day swallow you whole, you still pushed them aside now, as you always did.

Levi tilted his head to the side. “What was it like for you, seeing a Titan for the first time?”

You shrugged. “They’re ugly and terrifying, as expected. We saw an Abnormal, too, one that ran on all fours and was freakishly fast. Rae went after it. And –” And Victor did, too. A slow exhale kept you from uttering the words aloud and you found yourself suddenly very keen on staring at your cup of tea. “I’ve never felt fear like that,” you muttered, mostly to yourself.

“And you pushed through it.” You blinked at him. Not a trace of humor graced his eyes. “You still did your job. Quite well, in fact.”

Choosing to ignore the compliment, if that was what it had been, you dipped your chin toward his injured foot and asked, “When you get better, will you teach me how to use the blades? Like, actually use them?”

His eyes narrowed. “Why do you want to learn so badly? Fighting Titans isn’t your job.”

“And yet, I’ve encountered several Titans on this expedition,” you said, anxious to make him understand what that feeling of helplessness, of pure desparation to survive did to you. There was no way your heart would take seeing Rae leap into danger again, knowing you couldn’t help her. “Levi, I’ve lugged those blade-holders around all day, and for what reason? They were useless to me. They only slowed me down. There were times when I could’ve used those blades, but I didn’t. It didn’t occurr to me to even try. I know running away will always be my best chance at survival, but I would feel better if I knew how to defend myself, at least somewhat.”

“Defend yourself,” he repeated, suspicion lacing his tone.

“And help others.”

Though he still seemed less than thrilled, he said, “All right. I’ll teach you, then, when we get the chance.”

Grateful, you nodded, hoping he couldn’t discern the excitement bubbling in your chest. You thought about how swiftly Rae waltzed through the air, her blades glinting like winking stars, slicing through Titans’ skin as easy as a knife ran through butter. You were fairly certain you could never do something as sophisticated as that, but all you would really need to know was how to wield the blades without decapitating yourself or hurting someone else. Learning that might even be fun.

Your eyes wandered over to the curtained windows. Outside, Scouts piled along the moonlit tables, talking, laughing. “I’m sort of going to miss this place,” you said aloud, holding your cup to your chest. “I’ve gotten used to it.”

“I’d prefer somewhere with running water,” Levi replied blandly.

The corner of your mouth jerked upwards. “That’s fair. Hot running water, to be precise. Bathing in cold well water can only get a person so far.”

“And shitting in the woods gets tiring pretty fast, too.”

You chuckled. “True.”

“Is there anything you miss about Mitras?”

“Wendy.”

He looked unimpressed. “Your maid?”

“She is my maid,” you said, narrowing your eyes at his tone. “But she is also my family. I’ve known her my whole life.” The lie came easily, although it didn’t feel like one. Maybe it was not your entire life, but ten years was still quite a long time.

“What else?” he asked, your scowl going either unnoticed or ignored. Most likely the latter.

Every sip of tea stroked that fire burning low in your gut, caused by his proximity, that vague invitation to come over, the stuttering candlelight. Levi’s eyes were trained on your face, and he looked as uninterested as ever, but you saw his gaze dip briefly to your cup. Like he wante to check how much tea you had left. Like he wanted to know what came next.

When he looked back up into your eyes, his nostrils flared as he inhaled sharply. You crossed your legs tighter.

Clearing your throat, you tried to answer, “The food. Eggs. Cheese. Poppy seed strudels.”

“Poppy seed strudels?” The smallest of frowns settled between his brows. “What the hell is that?”

“You’ve never had them?” you exclaimed, aghast. He shook his head, his confusion melting into something like amusement as he took in your suddenly distressed state. “They’re one of the only reasons to keep living in this mess of a world,” you said, only partially joking.

“High praise coming from a Mitras brat.” He finished his tea, the delicate cup swaying from his fingertips. Your gut twisted.

“I know you’re an Underground thug and all, but I still can’t believe you’ve never had them. You must go to Mitras for work all the time.”

All he did was shrug. If the nickname bothered him, he didn’t let it show. You were inclined to call him that, anyway, considering how much he threw the words Mitras brat around. And worst of all, you weren’t even a Mitras brat, having not been born there.

After a moment of hesitation, you carefully added, “We can get some when we’re in Mitras, if you want. I know all the best spots.” A tentative offer.

His expression softened, that perpetual frown finally disappearing, but he ruined it by drily replying, “Only if it’s your treat. You’re the rich one.”

“Fine,” you laughed quietly. “Geez.”

You finished your tea, and felt Levi’s dark, heavy gaze on you while you placed your cup back onto its saucer. The tea party was over, it seemed. Biting back a somewhat nervous smile, you met his eyes in the dim light, and the intensity behind them made your stomach churn with sweet anticipation. To make this less dramatic, you tried to think of the worst possible pick-up line, a come-on he would absolutely despise. There were a few contenders you were debating between, but he disrupted your train of thought with a single curt word.

“Don’t.”

“Don’t, what?”

“Don’t say whatever you were about to say.” Taking you wholly by surprise, he bent down and grabbed the front leg of your chair. He dragged your chair towards him, the scraping sound echoing through the fire-lit room, until it was right in front of his. “I can almost hear your mind working, thinking of something stupid to say.”

“How did you know it would be stupid?” you asked, now fully grinning.

“Your face gave it away.”

He hesitated for a second, but then seemed to steel himself and reached towards your face, gently brushing a single knuckle over the corner of your upturned mouth, only causing your smile to widen. You ran your fingers up his arm until they found the nape of his neck, the skin there warm and inviting. He slowly exhaled.

From the corner of your eye, you glimpsed two shadows on the opposite wall, two flickering figures tipping towards each other.

“Are you tired?”

“I’m wide awake,” Levi said.

The first kiss was a simple greeting, the lightest of touches.

Then came a joint, relieved sigh, a brush of lips.

The second kiss was a landslide, causing all defenses to fall. The knowledge that you were well and truly alone, for the first time since you’ve started this, whatever this was, seemed to seep through the walls of Levi’s room, making the air feel heavy and laced with possibilities, each more interesting than the last. Breaths caught, lips crashed together, hands reached and grasped and tugged closer. However, there was no way to move any closer, since your knees were already pressed into his in a way that was almost painful. And you needed to be closer, you needed to give into the desire coursing through you unless you wanted to go insane.

You carefully stepped around his injured ankle and, holding onto his shoulders for support, hopped onto him, onto the very edge of his knees. With such soft lips pressed against your own, it was hard for your mind to catch up with your actions. When it did, though, you pulled away to ask, “Is this all right?”

All you got in response was an, “Mhm,” before he drew you back in, capturing your mouth in another long kiss. He intertwined his fingers behind the small of your back and pulled you as close as possible, until you were pressed against him, chest to chest, hips on hips, your legs parting around his waist. The friction of being dragged along his thighs made you shiver. You though you felt him tremble, as well, but you couldn’t be sure.

Tipping his mouth open with your tongue, you deepened the kiss, tasting Levi’s very own tea blend with every breath. His hands were on your hips, your thighs, they cradled your face and locked tight around your waist. You weaved your fingers into his hair, savoring every touch, relishing the fact that you would not be interrupted tonight.

And then he pulled away.

But before you could even open your eyes and see if anything was wrong, his hot breath was on your throat. A genuine gasp escaped you when he started to trail feather-soft kisses down your neck. This is so strange. Disbelief hit you hard, not for the first time. If someone had told you a month ago that one day you’d be sitting on the Captain Levi’s lap while he kissed your neck, you would have either laughed in their face or been seriously concerned for their sanity.

And now his lips grazed your jawline before his head dipped low again, leaving kisses down the length of your neck, as far as your shirt collar would let him go. Every touch sent a shock through your body, ending right between your legs. A small moan involuntarily stumbled out of your mouth, and his hold on your waist tightened. This is so good.

“Levi,” you whispered.

His hot breath skidded along the sensitive skin of your throat as he exhaled harshly. He lifted his head to meet your eyes, his half-lidded gaze burning as hard as the fire behind your back.

You cupped his face and urged it towards yours again. This time, the kiss instantly deepened, but you kept every movement deliberately slow. With you sitting on him like this, legs spread wide open and pressed into him, his hands roaming over your thighs, it wasn’t surprising that the heat between you began to build. However, you were determined not to rush through this, wanting to take your sweet time exploring this yet uncharted territory.

You created some space between your bodies so your hands could slide down his neck, then further down his chest, the warmth of his skin reaching your fingers even through his clothes. When you reached the hem of his shirt, you pinched it between your fingers and tugged on it. “Do you need this?”

“Not right now, no,” he answered, much more seriously than the situation warranted. His breathing was heavy, lips bruised.

He grabbed his shirt by the collar and you helped him take it off, pulling it over his head. You took it from his hands and placed it on the desk as neatly as you could before giving him your undivided attention yet again.

Your mouth ran dry. It was one thing to be aware of his strength, to hear tall tales about it or see a fraction of it at your trainings, and another thing entirely to witness it in person. White scars ran along his chest and stomach, marred with rare angry, red ones. Beneath them were muscles, firm and defined, shaped by years of training and fighting. Your useless mind split, one half somewhat discomposed that survival forced his body into submission, and the other more hormonal side – well, it simply stopped working. Gently, you ran your fingertips down his chest and stomach, and watched the muscles there clench. It shouldn’t have surprised you, the physical evidence of his power, but it did. He wasn’t too bulky or too lean, but obviously more than strong.

The chest in front of you moved slightly, as though shaking with repressed laughter.

Heat rose to the surface of your skin as you glanced back up at Levi’s face. Candlelight and amusement danced in his eyes. “Are you done staring?”

“Sorry,” you mumbled, cracking an embarrassed smile. Certain your ears were bright red at this point, you were grateful your hair was covering them.

He shrugged, not truly seeming to mind your blatant gawking. His hands slowly slid over your hips and down the length of your thighs, then back up again until he could thumb the hem of your shirt. “What about you?” he asked in a hushed tone, all the amusement gone.

In lieu of a response, you raised your arms above your head. He took the hint and carefully pulled your shirt over your head. You grabbed it from him and threw it haphazardly across the room, hearing it land softly somewhere on the floor.

In what was likely the least attractive way possible, you shook your head out to get rid of the hairs now flying across your face. Levi didn’t smile, but his lips twitched to the side with the beginning of one.

“Wow,” he deadpanned.

“You’re welcome,” you said. “For the show and all.”

He helped and tucked the most stubborn strands behind your ears, his expression continuing to soften the more he looked at your face. For a moment of misplaced sweetness you just sat there, both shirtless, both bathing in the swaying firelight, you fully cheesing and him almost there.

Your heart gave a betraying, wildly unwise tug.

He quickly grew serious once more. Eyes still on your face, he leaned back in the chair, the nonexistant space between your bodies growing to an inch. He was rubbing circles into the bare skin of your hips, as though he thought you needed reassurance. As though you hadn’t been resisting to urge to recklessly grind against him for the last ten minutes. Although you could feel the hard evidence of his desire right beneath you, he was still being so gentle and careful and considerate, and it only made you ache for him more.

Only after you gave him a nod and a tiny smile did he look down at your still-covered breasts and your tattoos and the necklace he had gotten you.

Not wanting to get the necklace sweaty, you took if off and placed it on the desk.

Considering how your were ogling him just now, it was only fair to let him do the same. You contended yourself with dragging your nails down his arms, leaving goosebumps in their wake. This is so strange. Painfully aware of the pressure forming in your lower abdomen, you slowly exhaled through your nose, watching Levi watching you. This is so good.

He had seen the tattoo of the pierced heart on your arm, at least from afar, so he focused on the other two that decorated your skin. His thumb grazed over the stack of books near your hip, adorned with a single quill on top – the tattoo you had gotten when you finished university, a place you loved dearly. Lastly, his attention slid over to the delicate half-circle of vine leaves right under your left breast, all suggestive swirls and dainty touches. That one you’d gotten simply because you thought it would look nice. Levi followed the trail of vine with his knuckles.

“Pretty,” he muttered pensively.

“And what exactly are you referring to?”

His gaze flickered back up to your face. His pupils were blown out, the soft gray nearly gone, swallowed by the black. You arched your spine ever so slightly, reaching around your back to unclasp your bra. The movement caused your hips to press further into his, and both your breaths caught, noses brushing, eyes half-closing as the friction brought you an idea of relief.

Maintaining eye contact and feeling slightly feverish, you let your bra straps slide down your arms. And then the bra was on the floor.

His throat bobbed, although his expression remained calm, unperturbed. “Are you sure this is all right?”

“Yes,” you said, feeling it imperative to keep your voice down in the sudden stillness of the room.

Subdued, orange light from the twirling fireplace swayed across your bare chests, physical evidence of the fire underneath your skin. Levi’s eyelashes cast shadows over his cheeks, and his breath was a warm constant on your lips. This was exactly what you wanted. Him. “What about you?” you asked. “Are you sure this is all right?”

He dipped his chin, once, as he looked up at you.

I can’t believe this is happening. The thought flashed through your mind, but it was gone just as quickly.

“Come here, then,” you said softly, already pulling him closer.

Lips met once more, heads angled, mouths opened, hands found warm skin. In a unique form of torture, your nipples dragged along his chest, your oversensitive skin pressing into his overheated body, causing you to shiver. He sighed into your mouth, and there was never a sound more insanity-inducing. Everything around the two of you felt heated and heavy, the newfound sense of urgency and desperation palpable in the air. His endlessly careful hands followed the slope of your newly exposed back, urging you ever closer, and then his fingers slipped under your thighs, digging into the soft flesh there.

You found yourself being lifted in a smooth motion. Never breaking the kiss, Levi stood up easily, not struggling under your weight even though you were certainly heavier than him. A flash of worry for his injured leg surfaced in your frazzled mind, but you didn’t have time to voice your concerns because he was already sitting down on the bed. You ended up straddling him in the same way you had done when you’d first kissed him, except there were fewer layers of clothing between you now.

There it was again, that thought of I can’t believe this is happening, but it was, it was, and it felt so good, and you pressed against him to soak up his warmth, reached down to touch him.

Then a knock sounded on the door.

You broke apart, startled.

Levi’s hands tightened their grip on your hips to stop you from tumbling off the bed in shock.

“For fuck’s sake,” he muttered, voice low and gravelly, sending shivers down your spine. His breath fanned over your collarbones while he panted.

“Were you expecting someone else now by any chance?” you asked breathlessly. One of your hands, now motionless, was still in his hair, the other caught on his tensing muscles, mid-way to his pants.

He tsked. “Of course not.”

Despite the interruption, neither of you moved, remaining entangled, frozen like deer caught before a rumbling carriage. Eventually, a voice called though the door, “Uh, Captain Levi? Are you in there?” You struggled to connect the voice to a name or a face at first, but then the person added, “It’s Section Commander Hange, sir. They want you to go through their notes on Eren’s previous experiments.” This was Moblit, then, surely.

“Important?” you asked.

“Not in the slightest.”

You kept glaring at the door, waiting to hear Moblit leave and hoping that the moment wasn’t ruined this time around. But when Levi turned his head to look up at you, your focus wavered upon seeing his bruised lips, storm-colored eyes, mused hair. The lustful look on his face. He wrapped an arm around your waist, fully, his hand grasping your hip as though he was saying that he had no intention to move. To let go. You didn’t, either.

“Captain?” Moblit called once more.

Perhaps you would have felt bad for Moblit if it wasn’t for that look in Levi’s eyes. Unable to help yourself, you leaned down and pressed a kiss into cheek. Again he sought you out, not to kiss you back this time, but merely to be close to your lips, to feel your noses catch, hear your hard breaths mingle. He somehow looked both like the Levi you knew well and someone else entirely. Someone slightly nervous. Someone who wouldn’t let nerves stop him. Someone who wanted you – badly, by the feel of it – but still didn’t push or ask for anything really.

“He’ll leave soon,” he said quietly, voice rough.

“Hmm.” You looped your arms around his neck. “And then what?”

He didn’t get the chance to answer. Without warning, a cacophony of noise exploded in the hallway – it sounded like a Titan was pounding down the corridor, carrying something heavy.

All you managed was a confused half-question before the pounding footsteps stopped right in front of Levi’s door, followed by an unfathomably noisy crash. Not even a second later, there came a burst of overzealous knocking.

“Open up, shorty!” a familiar voice sang. The door shook violently. “Yoho! I have incredibly important news that can’t wait!”

“Hange?” you mumbled at the same time that Levi spat, “You cannot be fucking serious.”

A more mellow but equally strong voice started, “Hange, please calm –”

No way. There was absolutely no way that Hange, Erwin and even poor Moblit were outside Levi’s door right now, while you were in there topless, breathless and soaking wet, sitting on the Captain himself, moments away from pushing him into the mattress.

Stunned stupid, you just sat rigidly on Levi’s thighs, only parts of Hange’s rapid explanation reaching your brain, something about bloodwork and Titan arm muscles and experiments not being legal, whomp whomp.

Once your wits returned, you tore your gaze from the shivering door to look down at Levi. It had been a long time since you’d seen that kind of vexation on his face, that irritation that ran deep and genuine.

“Levi, I swear I will break this door down if you don’t open up!” Hange yelled cheerfully.

The hinges creaked – or perhaps that was Moblit.

Only when you leaned away from Levi did his head snap up towards you, that annoyance momentarily dissolving, leaving behind a frown and a clenched jaw, as well as something that might have been guilt.

“I don’t think they’ll be leaving any time soon,” you said softly, almost apologetically.

His expression soured further, but he didn’t deny it. “I hate to give Hange any sort of credit, but I do know they can knock a door down.”

I can’t belive this is happening. This time, the thought wasn’t followed by wonder, but a sort of bleak confusion. It was disorienting, suddenly fighting against your body’s desires, trying to ignore the throbbing between your legs when Levi’s hands were still on you.

“And it sounds like they will.” You climbed off of Levi, somewhat awkwardly, suddenly too aware of all the bare skin you’d left on display. His hands held onto your waist until your feet were firmly on the ground.

A foul taste of annoyance coated your tongue – annoyance at these ridiculous circumstances, at your own needy body – but beneath it was the unease, the strange disappointment that was not only physical. You weren’t sure you and Levi would get this far again, be alone like that again. Perhaps once he’d cleared his head, he’d realize he didn’t trust you or like you enough to touch you again.

Despite the naked breasts before him, Levi was currently more focused on your face. “I’m going to kill that four-eyed freak,” he said, swerving another nasty look to the door, which had yet to stop trembling under Hange’s relentless fist.

You tried to smile. “Please don’t. I still like them a lot.” He said nothing. His expression was dark, but his eyes flickered over your face, perhaps worried. “It’s all right, Levi,” you tried to assure him. “Honestly. You should get the door before those hinges give out.” Stupid, even to your ears. But you had no idea what else to say.

He stood up without a word and went to grab his discarded shirt. You did the same, trying not to think about the state of your body, the heat on your skin and the blood slicing through your veins, the immature frustration welling up inside your stomach. You picked up your shirt and threw it on, but you didn’t want to bother with the bra, not when the voices outside were getting louder by the second. Feeling like the world’s stupidest teenager, you folded your bra as best as you could and fisted it, hiding your hand behind your back.

Levi glanced over at you before unlocking the door. The smallest crack had Hange bursting into the room, vials of blood in hand, their glasses sliding down their nose, eyes wide, wild. Behind them were Erwin and Moblit, looking a bit more put together, but even Erwin had a gleam in his usually cold eyes.

All eyes instantly cut to you.

You wanted to pass away.

“Oh, hello, you!” Hange said after a moment’s pause, their smile sincere, if a little confused. “I didn’t expect to see you here so late. Tsk, tsk, tsk, Levi. You think the world exists solely for your entertainment, don’t you? And you call me self-centered. Why are you keeping our mapmaker up, hm? To gossip about us, I bet.”

“We were having tea,” you said, hoping your voice sounded normal.

Moblit instantly went red, as though you’d said the dirtiest, most perverted thing ever.

Erwin raised a thick brow, his eyes skidding to the side, taking in the empty cups, the chairs pressed close together, and even Levi himself, with his shirt pulled low, face a mask of cold fury. Erwin was a genius, but he didn’t need to be one to figure this out. Just considering the time it took Levi to unlock the door was suspicious enough.

Something dangerously close to understanding flickered across Hange’s face, but it was gone in the blink of an eye, meaning that you had either imagined it, or that they were purposefully playing ignorant. Unfortunately, you were almost positive it was the later. Heat shot to your ears.

“Well, sorry to interrupt the tea party,” Hange said without missing a beat. “But we do have important things to discuss with shorty over here. I’m sure I’ve told you this already, Levi.”

“And I’m sure I told you that we’re not doing this today,” Levi replied. “We have a mission that needs out attention. The kid and his Titan tendencies can wait.” His glare slid to Erwin. “I know Hange’s a lost cause, but I didn’t know you were this pressed for entertainment, as well. Didn’t think to pluck those caterpillars, for example, did you?”

Erwin’s left eye twitched ever so slightly. “Levi, this is important. You know we must learn as much as possible about Eren’s abilities if we’re to put them to good use.”

“Yeah, and whatever use you deem good must be so, right?” Levi cocked his head in that cold, practiced way of his.

Hange jumped in, “Look –”

This felt like a conversation you weren’t supposed to be a part of. Additionally, the less than ideal state of your underwear was becoming more and more uncomfortable, so you carefully inched towards the door, avoiding Moblit’s apologetic stare. Levi’s gaze flickered to you, so it felt wrong to leave without saying anything.

What came out was, “Do you need Jessie?” Four heads swiveled towards you. Foolishly, you gestured to the vials of blood in Hange’s hands, tightly clutching your bra in your other hand behind your back. “For the bloodwork, I mean. He might be able to help.”

Erwin intercepted the suggestion before Hange could get a word in. “We will consult him at some point, certainly.”

Levi leveled a glare at the back of Erwin’s head, but you were almost glad for the dismissal. “I’ll leave you to it, then,” you said, pounding a fist over your heart and stepping backwards until you were finally out of the room. “Uh, good luck.” Then you turned around and fought the desire to run away.

Your body was strung tight, overheated and overexcited, needy for something that wouldn’t happen. It was almost painful. Worst even was the embarrassment slowly but surely making its way through the hormone-induced frustration. Situations such as these, when two people were ripped apart with half their clothes off were not exactly rare, but one could never really get used to them, used to that gnawing, red-hot, perhaps misplaced feeling of shame, the one that occurred even when propriety wasn’t an issue. You knew that, but you still wanted to hide in your room and never, ever show your face again.

The mere sight of your room was comforting. Passing by Rae’s open door, you glimpsed her and Adam on the bed, musing over a guitar that looked decades old. Adam’s injured leg rested atop a pillow. He gave you a little wave and Rae raised her eyebrows, which cemented your worry that your ears were as red as tomatoes.

You stalked into your room, closed the door softly even though you wanted to slam it so hard it echoed through this entire privacy-devoid castle, hurled your bra into a corner and leaped face first onto the bed. The old and rough bedsheets made you stiffen. You rolled onto your back, dragging your hand down your stomach and letting it rest on your pelvis, above that insistent ache. There was a myriad of things you could – and should – have been doing, but all you could think about was Levi’s breathless sigh, his curious hands traveling along your skin, the feel of him beneath you.

Almost involuntarily, you let your hand slip lower, applying pressure, curling your fingers on the restrictive fabric of your trousers. If was a familiar feeling, that spike, that hiss of friction, if somewhat anticlimactic considering how differently the night could have gone. Your eyes fell closed, mind unraveled, fingers lightly followed that easy pattern, not expecting much but unable to resist.

Not even five minutes later, when your restless fingers were already deep in your trousers, a sharp knock sounded on your door.

You squeezed your eyes shut, annoyance spiking. You didn’t plan on answering, but then you heard that dull drawl calling your name.

“You in there?” Levi asked.

Springing up and buttoning your trousers quickly, you padded over to the door and swung it open, revealing an annoyed-looking Levi. He held something up – your dainty compass necklace. In your haste to get away from that painful awkwardness, you had completely forgotten about it.

“Oh, thank you.” He dropped it onto your palm. Even though most of your wits had returned, your skin began to tingle anew when his eyes landed on your. The conversation could have ended there, but you didn't let it. “How did it go with Erwin and Hange?” you asked, taking a step to the side, your heart leaping up your throat.

His eyes slid over to the empty space you’d just created in the doorframe. Throat working, he stepped into the room. “It didn’t,” he said. “They’re both idiots with nothing better to do than bother the people around them. Erwin’s wrong, anyway. He needs Compson’s help for this.”

“Please tell me you didn’t just kick them out.”

“Hange almost kicked my door down,” he replied. “So I kicked them. Seems fair to me.”

“Kicked them,” you repeated, “or kicked them out?”

“Is there a difference?”

You couldn’t help but smile. A part of you was more than curious about Eren’s experiments and Hange’s theories, but that part of you could wait ‘til tomorrow, when it was daytime and the swishing candles scattered throughout your room weren’t illuminating the odd and elegant lines of Levi’s face.

Your fingers were still perched on the doorknob, uncertain. When he noticed, you gave the door a gentle push. The click of it closing seemed too loud.

“Yes,” you said quietly, perhaps a little too late. “I do think there’s a difference.”

“Semantics.” He slowly let himself tip backwards until he was leaning against the wall. In what was perhaps his version of an apology, he added, “They shouldn’t have barged in like that. They’re freaks.”

“It’s all right.”

“It’s not.” Before you could think of a reply, he nodded at the necklace dangling from your fingertips. “But yes, I just wanted to return that to you.”

“Just?”

A strand of hair fell over his eyes.

All he said was your name, quietly, tensely.

Whether that was a challenge, a question, a plea or something else entirely, you didn’t know, but you twisted the handle, locking the door. He didn’t look away but stood perfectly still, like a fire-kissed painting.

“You don’t need to walk on eggshelves, Levi.” You slid the necklace into your pocket, then, heart clawing up your chest, took a single step closer to him, intertwining your hands behind you, lest they should reach for him. Nerves sang along your arms, making your hair stand on end. But you still took a chance, just one more. “I think that, for once, we’re on the same page.” Another step closer. “Or am I mistaken?”

“You’ve never thought yourself dumb.” The reply didn’t make sense at first, but then his hand was on your waist, the kind of heat you’d feel though layers and layers of clothing. The tug forward was fearful, barely there. “Why start now?”

You stepped towards him, fell into him, as if this was the natural continuation, as if there had been no interruption whatsoever between this touch and the last. You kissed him like this was a fight with your lives on the line. He drank you in greedily, deeply, desperately, like this was something worth savoring.

Both of you swayed, stumbled, sighed. A dull thud - his back hit the wall again. Your hips slammed into his, sparks of need exploding between the aching points of contact, the skin that had been teased for far too long tonight. Levi’s hands slid under your shirt and you seperated only long enough for him to take it off and hurl it to the side as he rose up to press his lips against yours once more. Clutching his own shirt, you pulled on it, urging him away from the cold wall, causing you both to stagger, blind between kisses. Halfway through the small room, he spun you around in an oddly elegant, very un-Captain like manner, and so the back of his knees hit the bed first.

He sank onto your thankfully made bed. The movement made a couple of the closer candles flutter. In the subsequent erratic sways of the candlelight, the events played like flashes, like uncatchable blinks. Levi throwing his head back, eyes ravenous. Your knee digging into the mattress beside his leg. Dropping onto his thighs, his hands holding you close and steady. A questioning look that made his shirt disappear, as well.

You twisted in place to throw his shirt over the nearby chair as neatly as you could, and then you finally turned to face him, only to find his lips already brushing along your jaw. A smile pulled on your mouth.

“So, where were we?” you asked formally, as you would on a business meeting.

His feather-light endeavor came to a halt as he craned his neck back to look up at you. Even though he looked utterly unimpressed, his voice betrayed him, conveying the most subtle lilt of dry humor as he asked, “Have you already forgotten?”

“I might need a reminder,” you sighed woefully, all while exploring his shoulders in careful strokes. “I’m so very forgetful these days.”

“Tell me about it.” His gaze was fixed on the tragic pout you were fighting to keep in place. “It’s incredibly annoying.”

“You find me annoying, Captain?”

Before he could get a chance to reply, you ducked your head to the side, placing a lingering kiss on his neck. Right under your lips, you felt his breath hitch. His pulse was wild, erratic, fingers digging deep into your hips. You dragged your mouth up his neck, deliberately slow, pressing open-mouthed kisses into the burning skin, tipsy on his scent, simple and fresh and clean. Behind his ear, you let your teeth graze, but kissed away the bite before it could ache.

“Yes,” he exhaled. “Very much so.”

You rocked back, looping your arms around his neck and endlessly gloating over the dazed expression he almost managed to hide in time. “I’m certain you’ll be happy to hear that the feeling is mutual.”

As soon as you locked eyes, though, all traces of humor disappeared.

“Levi,” you whispered, “I need you to tell me if I do anything you don’t like, or want.”

He didn’t immediately respond. Instead, he leaned closer, but not to kiss you or touch you.

The sound of a zipper gliding roared through the breathless silence. A second later, one of your boots clattered onto the floor. Eyes on yours, Levi slid a finger underneath the cuff of your sock and tugged it off. His hand brushing your calf should not have had your stomach twisting, yet that was exactly what was happening, as though you were some virgin maiden. Your other boot and sock got the same treatment and then, hugging you tightly, he reached down and took his own shoes off, as well.

Only then did he quietly say, “Likewise.”

Despite having no recollection of moving, your mouth was on his again, fingers in his hair. Need roared in your gut and, after being in a teasing limbo for far too long tonight, that hot, hungry curl between your legs demanded your attention. Letting your knees slide further apart, you rolled your hips into his. Teeth clashed, nails sank deeper into needy skin and two matching sputtered groans filled the air.

Logic swam away. With your head spinning, you rocked into him again, and again, slow but hard, the blazing friction of dragging across the evidence of his own arousal finally granting you some relief. Every roll and press of your hips was followed by a muffled, low groan that came from behind Levi’s clenched teeth. Every single one took you by surprise and liquified your insides. This is strange, but so fucking good. You were only half aware of your actions – kissing his throat, catching his bottom lip with your teeth, clinging onto his shoulder, bracing your other hand on the wall behind him.

It didn’t escape you, the fact that his hands explored your back, sides and thighs, but did not stray farther. A million different ways to tease him came to mind, but you pushed them back for the time being, unwilling to overwhelm him. You couldn’t help but find it endearing, the unexpected shyness of his hands, even though it was hardly necessary, considering you were already topless, grinding into him and moaning into his mouth.

The fabric of your trousers stretched, bit, burned. Became too much, too restrictive.

As much as you liked this position, you couldn’t gracefully take the rest of your clothes off like this. You pressed into Levi fully, pointedly giving his chest a push. He yielded and laid down, and so you followed, hands pressing into the mattress beside his head. You muttered an incoherent apology after almost kneeling him in the groin, and the only response you got was a rush of hot air on your collarbones. Too seized by lust to feel any awkwardness, you slid to the side and maneuvered around until your back was flat on the chilled bedsheets and he was hovering above you, elbows digging into the pillow on either side of your head, wary of your hair.

There was no rhythm to your kiss anymore, only the need to be as close as possible.

The metal of his belt bucke was cold. Hooking a finger through it, you faltered briefly, only for a small sound deep in Levi’s throat to have you moving at a feverish pace, removing his belt, yanking it off and hearing it clang on the floor. He moved back to take his trousers off. One hand was still beside your head, the muscles in his arm straining and flexing, half-sunk in shadow, half-amber, licked by the swaying candlelight. You sincerely hoped you weren’t salivating, but you couldn’t be sure.

When his trousers were gone, he glanced up at you, fingers splayed across your bare hip. A question bristled beneath his fingertips. You reached down to unbutton your own pants, but soon he took over, careful, watchful, light-touched. You lifted your hips, he gave a tug, you gave a reckless kick, and your trousers were gone, having landed somewhere on the floor.

“Come here, Levi.”

And come there he did, guided by your insatiable hands. He arranged himself between your legs with wary precision, even though every brush of skin seemed to break his control more and more, darkening his eyes, shortening his breath. Once he found himself above you, you thought you felt him stiffen for a moment, but then he leaned down to kiss you. In what you hoped was an act of encouragement, you hooked a leg around his hips and were left stunned when he dropped some of his weight onto you, pressing himself into the hollow space between your legs. Almost as close as he could be. Had there been any air left in your lungs, you would have made a much louder sound – instead, only a pitiful fuck slipped out.

He froze, pulling away slightly. “Do you want to stop?” he rasped, inexplicably.

It took an embarrassingly long time for the question to register. “No, no,” you murmured. “That’s not what I – no.”

His nose brushed against yours as he waited, eyes searching your face, perhaps looking for a trace of uncertainty, finding none. It was still difficult to believe that this was happening, that his body was curved against yours, that he was nearly nude, breathless and hard, nervous yet clearly aching.

You slid a hand down his spine, making sure to memorize every muscle and scar, and stopped once you reached the dip of his lower back. There you pushed, lightly, just enough to feel him dip lower, deeper, further into you. Two sharp inhales sounded. His eyes were dark, almost black.

“You feel,” you said, a breath away from his reddened lips, “so good.”

The concepts of restraint, impropriety and rank didn’t seem to exist anymore.

Your leg tightened around his hips, and he slowly rolled into you, sending sparks licking through the insistent throbbing present between your thighs. His head fell onto your shoulder, teeth flashing as he struggled not to make a sound. Through the disbelief of seeing the mighty Captain Levi lose his composure, dark pleasure thrilled through your entire body, setting it on fire.

If he was like this now, you had to see him come undone.

You could take only two more movements of his hips before you reached for his underwear, the lurching curl inside you twisting unbearably. It was all quick fingers and labored breathing, flashes of skin and devouring eyes. The last piece of his clothing got civilized treatment, being deposited on the bed next to you, while your underwear was sent flying somewhere behind him.

With nothing between you – finally, finally – you pulled Levi flush against your body.

A shudder raked through him.

A shudder that was a shade too violent to be born of pleasure.

Your eyes snapped open. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” His voice was strained, far away. He slowly extracted himself from your embrace, straightening his arms to move his body upwards so it was not touching yours anymore. Even though he remained hovering above you, his eyes were closed, a furrow settling between his eyebrows. He took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly, shakily.

Alarm bells sounded in your mind, a sharp contrast to the Levi-induced haze. “Levi,” you said softly, forcing some semblance of normalcy into your tone. “Did I do something –”

“No.” His eyes remained closed.

Placing your hands on his forearms, you repeated his name. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I said it’s nothing.” With a sigh, he reluctantly opened his eyes. They darted around your face for a while before meeting yours, and you instantly spotted something that you hadn’t seen before. Was that embarrassment lurking behind his avoidant gaze? It was unnerving, seeing him as anything but coldly assertive.

He pressed his lips together tightly before saying, “Can we just – slow down?”

The words tumbled out of his mouth in a way that was so uncharacteristic it instantly made you forget everything else.

“Of course,” you said, reeling. “We don’t have to – we can stop whenever you want.”

The words had the opposite effect from what you were going for, because his frown only deepened. “Is that what you want?”

“No. But what do you want?”

“I don’t want to stop. Just –”

“Slow down,” you finished for him. He nodded, still looking more uncomfortable than you’d ever seen him. The curtain of his hair, spun from ink, fell forward, and you reached up to brush it out of his eyes. “It’s just me, Levi,” you added. You hoped he caught the meaning of your words. You can trust me. I’ve got you.

His expression softened, but he shook his head lightly, which you didn’t understand. After a moment of consideration, he gingerly lowered himself again, elbows digging into the mattress on either side of your shoulders. He still didn’t touch you anywhere, but at least he was closer, close enough to begin resolving this issue that you didn’t even understand.

Desire and confusion nestled together in your chest, each sharpening the other. A hundred tender words of reassurance formed on your tongue, but you swallowed them back, albeit with some difficulty. You knew Levi well enough to assume that he wouldn’t want to be coddled.

Instead, you tried a different tactic to get rid of the tautness in his shoulders and that pesky little frown. “Tell me something,” you said as lightheartedly as you could. “Will you court-martial me after this?”

He blinked at the sudden change of topic, then said, “I’ll have to think about it.” His fingers slipped into your hair, thumb brushing along your temple, light as a whisper. A secret. “You are being rather unprofessional.”

“How so?”

He raised a brow. “You’re fully naked in front of your superior officer.”

You pretended to consider this issue of misconduct, then asked, “What if he’s naked, too?”

“Still your fault.” Some of that familiar cold bluntness laced with odd humor returned to his tone. “You took most of his clothes off.”

A grin tugged on your mouth. He didn’t smile back, but his gray eyes were gentle, his thumb mindlessly trailing along your jaw. In the hopes of urging out the Levi you knew, you started to say what you had been meaning to before you’d even kissed him tonight. “Your legs have to be tired –”

“Don’t,” he snapped, narrowing his eyes.

“– through my mind all –”

“Do not.”

You chuckled and got a wholly unimpressed look in return. Just like that, things went back to normal between you. Well, if this could ever be called normal. Him, rock hard, and you, soaking wet, in bed, staring at each other and pretending not to notice the other’s arousal.

When Levi said he wanted to slow down, you assumed he would simply lay down beside you and back off for a while, or perhaps go back to kissing you – your mouth, that is. So when he, after another look that warned tell me if this is not okay, moved down your body and began to plant soft kisses along your collarbones, you were more than pleasantly surprised. He continued through the valley between your breasts and, once the kisses reached your stomach, dropped down, resting most of his weight on your legs and devoting his attention to your tattoos once more.

He traced the inked books on your side with a single finger. The touch was feather-light, but you could tell by his contemplative gaze that he wasn’t purposely teasing you, but genuinely just examining your tattoo. You let him do that, gently running your fingers through his hair, all while pushing your hips down into the mattress, unwavering in your determination to ignore the pounding between your thighs.

One wrong move had his cock brushing against your leg. You closed your eyes for a moment, powerless to stop your mind from picking up on every little detail. He stiffened, but didn’t retreat.

You wondered how you were ever going to go back to normal life after this night.

After he’d thoroughly examined that tattoo, he moved onto the one of vines. Maybe he liked that one the best because he leaned down to kiss along it, following the black ink, the delicate leaves and sensual spurs. His nose grazed the underside of your breast as he did so, and you exhaled sharply. Levi’s eyes opened and met yours. He looked at you as he placed a slow kiss on the underside of your breast. A spark of confidence returned to his eyes, and you were glad to see it, even though it left you clenching around nothing, your heart bruising your ribcage.

One leisurely flex of his muscles and his face returned to the open space above yours. A series of quick, childlike kisses ensued, too innocent for the situation at hand yet painfully sweet, until you couldn’t help but smile and interrupt it all. The silence around you was a thick blanket. It was strange to remember there were other people in this castle, people who didn’t have sickeningly long, raven-black lashes, people who didn’t kiss the corner of your smiling lips, people who didn’t tip-toe through desire and linger in the breathlessness like the man before you did.

You felt a tapping on your side, akin to a polite knock, and arched your back to let him slide an arm around your waist. Much to your shock, you were spun around in a dance-like motion, once again finding yourself straddling his hips, knees pressed into the mattress and arms encircling his neck.

“Is this all right?” he asked quietly.

“More than all right,” you answered in a murmur. “Levi –”

“I’m good now,” he interrupted before you could even ask. Curiously, you watched as his impenetrable mask seemed to fall, revealing an open and unguarded, yet expectant expression. The shield slipped out of his hands, or he had willingly put it down and away. He urged you closer, letting you feel the warmth of his skin and the pounding of his own heart through it, as well as the proof of his desire sliding down the inside of your thigh, making you both tremble. “Keep going,” he murmured. “If you still want to.”

“Are you absolutely certain?”

“Yes.” He looked at your mouth, then back up into your eyes. “Yes.”

His eyes were brimming with heat so molten it made your knees go weak. Detecting nothing but honesty, as well as a considerable amount of eagerness in his tone, you nodded.

And kept going.

For a long, long time, you kissed him, letting the momentum build up again. You pulled on his hair and tugged on his bottom lip and bit his neck and mapped out his chest, creating a sense of breathless, heady, intoxicating indulgence. Tonight was an exercise in teasing and control, but you found that you were more than fine with that. Heat spread through you like honey swam through tea. It was a painful kind of desire, but only once you felt the effects of your touches did you reach down between your bodies to take him in your hand, positioning him beneath you. Levi broke away from the kiss, sucking a breath through his teeth at the contact.

“Levi?”

“Keep going,” he said in a voice like you’d never heard before. His lips soundlessly shaped the a single word - fuck.

I can’t believe this is happening.

Finally, finally obliging the desperate hunger that had been rolling through your gut the entire fucking day, you slid onto him.

Two sighs whispered through the tiny room and four hands dug deep into warm skin, holding on for dear life. Slowly, you pressed further into him, mouth falling open in pure shock.

His teeth scraped your shoulder. “You don’t – need to –” he panted.

But you wanted to. And so you did, stopping only when that was the only option, when you were as close to him as humanly possibly, stretched and full and burning alive. He lifted his head from your shoulder, his eyes half-closed but wild, likely a mirror to yours.

After giving both of you a moment to adjust, you then inched back, not fully, and sank back down. Pleasure stirred deep inside of you. His eyes squeezed shut, teeth clenching, and then he was looking at you again, a shaky sigh escaping him.

“So good,” you breathed against his lips, and his hold on you tightened, edging on pain.

Next time you came down, he spread his legs slightly and his strong hands brought you down even further, and you had to gulp down a gasp at this new angle and depth. You sought it out again and again, a string of profanities leaving your mouth to join Levi’s strangled groans.

At this point, it was an involuntary chase, a collision of skin and a meeting of quiet moans, hands that learned and grasped, mouths that sought out closeness if not kisses. His fingers were splayed across your hips, following their every move, applying just the right amount of pressure to make you grind down harder and deeper. The disbelief and worry were long gone, replaced only by pleasure that tore and bit and threatened to drive you insane. Faced with something of such intensity, it was nearly impossible to act indifferent. And so, although you attempted to be quiet, you were helpless against the small, breathy sounds that hissed out of your mouth, and even more helpless when those went up in pitch and frequency.

White light flashed behind your eyes, but you forced them to stay open and to focus on Levi. You drank in every reaction, the rapid rise and fall of his chest, the way his jaw alternated between clenching so hard you thought his teeth would crack and going completely slack, the sweat dampening his forehead. His carefully constructed composure seemed to be snapping like a taut wire, because with every passing moment he was getting louder, his teeth scraping against your shoulder as though he was holding himself back from biting into your skin. His tea-soaked breath invaded your every sense.

At first, your hips had moved in lazy, languid circles, finding friction with every brush against his pelvis, making time to tease and clench and squeeze. However, inevitably, as the edge came into view, your movements turned sloppy, your hips jerking irregularly while you struggled to catch your breath through the rippling thrill slicing through your abdomen. Your thighs ached. Your heart was going to burst out of your chest.

Through the chaos of moans and gasps and labored breathing, you heard your name being called, tone urgent.

“Yeah,” you breathed out in acknowledgement, barely recognizing your own voice. “Yeah.”

The pure state of discomposure Levi was in told you how close he was. You were, too, you just needed another push. Dropping your hand from where it was clasped behind his neck, you reached down to touch yourself, easily finding that little spot that made everything so much more intense. Just as it began to build, your hand was gently swatted away.

Lust and surgical precision were a strange combination, yet that was what you found when you looked at Levi’s face just then. He replaced your hand, two knuckles stretching, thumb pressing. Your heartbeat flared in your throat, muscles spasming. The pleasure didn’t come in flashes – it was a roaring wave now, and it clapped over you.

“Fuck, Levi.”

He drew small circles into the most sensitive part of your body, and you dug your fingernails into his shoulders as you rode him. However, you lost your grip when he, shockingly, leaned back from you slightly.

He said, voice hoarse, “I want to look at you.”

The whispered words, unexpected as they were, were nearly enough to push you over the edge. And so you let him look, let him greedily drag his gaze from where his own careful fingers drew moan after moan, over your bouncing hips, along your tightening stomach and bare breasts, all the way to your face where he met your eyes. His breathing was shallow and uneven, lips parted, pupils blown out. Just then, and you weren’t sure if he was even aware of having done it, he both increased the pressure of his fingers and pulled you impossibly deeper onto himself.

You couldn’t fight it anymore.

The moment blinding release seized your body, making your jaw go slack, Levi pushed on your hips desperately. With your last ounce of strength, you shuffled back on his thighs so that he could pull out. His loud groan was somewhat muffled by the skin of your shoulder, where he’d pressed his mouth, but it still made you shiver to your core. Shaking post-release, you slumped into each other, a pile of worn-out limbs and hot breaths and sweaty skin. Levi pressed a short kiss into your neck as he hugged you close.

Once feeling returned to your lower body, you carefully stood on unsteady legs and felt him stiffen, but all you did was throw yourself onto the bed beside him, stomach-down. The coldness of the ruffled sheets soothed your skin. He let himself fall backwards from where he had been sitting on the edge of the bed. For a long time, the only sound in the room was panting that grew slowly quieter.

“You all right?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Yes.”

You shifted closer and found yourself relieved when he did the same. Your shoulders pressed together, no reasoning behind the touch but the simple want to be near, still. When your heart slowed down and your breathing returned back to normal, you opened your eyes, grateful that you were met with gentle candlelight and not harsh brightness.

Levi was already watching you, head turned to the side, although his eyes were barely open. His cheeks were dusted with pink. He was breathing deeply through his nose, as though still struggling to catch his breath. When he ran his fingers through his damp hair, there was a slight tremor to his hand.

Some sort of silent agreement passed between you, because he closed his eyes, coming down from the ferocity of the climax, and you did, too. Exhaustion tugged on your mind, lulled by the sound of his breathing, but you didn’t let sleep overtake you just yet, unsure of what would come next. You didn’t know what the etiquette was, what one did after sleeping with their superior officer who was sort of their friend, but also a huge pain in the ass. Acceptable behavior and good manners were already out the window, surely – but did he want to stay or go now? You intended to ask, as soon as your wits returned.

You forced your eyes open to ask, “Was that good for you?”

A scoff came before he’d even peeled his eyes open. “Don’t ask stupid questions.”

There was the Levi you recognized. What you didn’t recognize, however, were the light red spots on his shoulders, clearly fresh. “I didn’t mean to do that.” Had you really gripped him that hard? “I’m sorry.”

“And don’t apologize for stupid shit,” he said simply, but then his expression shifted, became more guarded. After a brief pause, he asked, “Was this good for you?”

“What was that about stupid questions?” You propped yourself onto your elbows, stretching your legs behind you. “Yes, Levi. It was.”

He rose onto his elbows and you were shoulder to shoulder again, although your bodies faced different directions. It was odd, to say the least, chatting with him while you were both stark naked. As much as you were embarrassed to admit, you felt no small amount of foolish, egotistical satisfaction when you noted the way his eyes slid over your arched back and ass, before promptly returning to your face.

Right as the urge to kiss him anew rose, you felt him tense. “What is it?”

His jaw clenched. “I just – really need to wash up.” The last part was a soft murmur.

The bizarreness of hearing that apologetic tone in his voice twice in one evening was staggering, especially since he had no reason for such notions. “That’s alright. If there’s one thing I know about you, it’s how much of a clean freak you are. And I should clean up, too, anyway.” Sweat beaded along your hairline, and your chest and thighs were clammy, as well, desperately in need of scrubbing. “Just one more thing, though,” you said, hauling yourself closer until you could kiss him.

It was a simple, brief peck, inconsequential after everything you had done tonight, yet it made you smile, and it made him sigh. And, before you knew it, you were asking, “Will you stay?”

He pulled back. Blinked. “Stay the night?” He looked around your room critically, and your heart sank. “My room’s nicer. And the bed’s bigger.”

“Alright? What does that have to do with my question?”

“What I’m saying, mapmaker, is that it would be better to stay over there.” The arrogantly bored look didn’t seem to be at his disposal right now, even though he was clearly going for it.

“Better for who?” you pressed. “Are you just terrible at inviting me or am I misreading this?”

Some of the tension in his frame dissipated when he saw the smirk you were fighting. “I am inviting you.”

“Then I’m saying yes.”

“Good,” he said simply. The matter was settled, the meeting concluded satisfactorily. “Then come up when you want.”

“I’ll just clean up and change, and then I can be there,” you assured him, forcing yourself to leave the blissfully cold bedsheets behind and stand up.

With both of you up came the task of getting dressed. It was a quiet affair – much harder for you since your clothes had been hurled all over the room – but not altogether uncomfortable, the silence being the result of mere tiredness and not regret.

Once he was dressed but still a bit disheveled, he tugged the top sheet off the bed. “I’ll clean this.”

“You don’t need to.”

He ignored that remark and, with no subtlety whatsoever, silently slipped out of the room with a tangle of sheets under his arm. If Rae saw that, she would pass out. Before the door closed behind him, you thought you heard the sound of a guitar somewhere nearby, although that made no sense.

I can’t believe that happened.

Even though you wanted to be around Levi again, you found yourself grateful for some time alone, because now you could finally consider what the hell you’d just started.

Chapter Text

Rae Fairs had made two grave mistakes in her life.

The first was ever giving Jeff Klin the time of day, mistaking his lust for genuine interest. That boy had turned out to be a complete scumbag who liked cards and liquor much more than her. He’d used to berrate her for how much she dedicated herself to the Survey Corps, how much time and energy she devoted to their cause. You just don’t care about anything else, he’d tell her, though she felt that was fundamentally untrue. She always thought she cared an uncomfortable amount.

Her second mistake was having Adam over for tea that night.

It had nothing to do with Adam. He was lovely, as always. He had brought an old guitar he found somewhere in the castle, and was showing her how to play. They sat with their shoulders pressed together, the giant instrument perched on their laps. Adam’s rough fingertips glided over the strings, producing a short, sweet sound, before he pressed the guitar closer to her, an expectant smile on his lips.

She did exactly what he did. The strings shrieked unhappily.

“It’s hopeless.” She rested her head on Adam’s shoulder, more than content to give up the pretense that she had a single musical bone in her body.

“It’s not,” he replied with a soft laugh. “Just be a bit more gentle.”

Rae tried. The same piercing sound crackled from the poor guitar. Then, they both watched as a single string snapped, curling inwards and bouncing like a rabbit’s tail.

Rae and Adam looked at each other and burst out laughing. She’d always loved his laugh – loud and free, booming and breathless. It was the only imposing thing about him. Although he was a soldier, when it came to his personal life, all his edges were dulled. He was the most gentle, politest and respectful Titan-killer out there, and Rae adored him for it.

“I think I’ll stick to fighting monsters,” she said.

His smile dropped ever so slightly. “Good thing we never seem to run out of monsters, huh?”

Rae’s mind instantly went to the Female Titan, as well as the mission ahead of them. They’d talked about it earlier tonight, in too much detail, until Rae felt confident that Adam’s every step was planned out perfectly. While she would be with the medics and play it by ear, his part was more straightforward – stand watch and help any wandering civilians get to safety.

Normally, he would be with the Scouts whose job was to hide and be prepared to take down Annie Leonhart if Eren and his group don’t manage to coax her down into the underground tunnel, where she could be contained somewhat safely. But Adam was still injured. His help was needed, and Rae knew he’d offer it freely, always, even when he needed crutches to walk. Selfishly, though, she was glad he’d be a bit further away from any potential fighting.

The mission shouldn’t be difficult. Eren’s friends knew Annie at least somewhat, meaning that she was likely to trust and follow them into the tunnels. She wouldn’t be able to call for backup in the heart of the city, like she had on that disaster of an expedition. It would be just her against the whole Scouting Regiment. It should be an easy win.

But Rae never trusted her odds. She couldn’t. She’d been fooled too many times, so earlier tonight she’d brought a map of the city and forced Adam to determine his path with the utmost care, wary of buildings that might crumble, tunnels that might collapse and shadowy places that might hold more possible foes. Ones that hid in plain sight, just as Annie had.

It was not only for his safety, but for her own sanity. A bulletproof plan was the only thing that would prevent her mind from spiraling, the bloodied thoughts from soaking through to the present. The nightmares from closing in.

Those awful dreams were usually about Adam, but recetly more characters have slid into her unconscious mind. Sometimes, she saw the mapmaker being crushed under a giant foot. Then it was Jessie, or half of him, spit back out from a Titan’s mouth. Captain Levi and Section Commander Hange, gone, lost. Commander Erwin, dead, and all her hopes dying with him.

They were just dreams, of course, borne of her less than ideal present, the danger they were all constantly in. But she used to dream of others, before. Petra – kind, lovely, smiling Petra. Prideful Oluo and quiet Eld and confident Gunther. Others, who she admired and cared for and fought to protect, who were now gone.

“Rae.” Adam shifted, and the next thing she knew, his arm was wrapped around her. “You went somewhere else.”

She slumped into him gratefully, nudging the guitar away. “Sorry.”

With endlessly gentle fingers, he took her chin and forced her to meet his eyes, big and kind and warm. “Hey,” he murmured, cupping her face. “You know I’ll do my best, right?”

“On the mission?” Of course she did. Adam was an incredible soldier, quick on his feet and smart, as loyal as she was.

“Well, yes.” The right corner of his mouth quirked, and her eyes followed the movement, her focus sharpening. “But that’s not exactly what I meant.” His thumb slowly followed the slope of her cheekbone, sending warmth through her entire body. “I’ll do my best to come back to you,” he whispered.

Rae’s heart twisted.

Months ago, back when Adam had first shyly let her know he liked her – much to her infinite confusion – she’d only asked one thing of him. No false promises.

He wasn’t saying that he would come back, all heroic and overconfident.

But he wanted to. I’ll do my best to come back to you. He would try, give it his all. It was as much of a promise as anyone in their position could make.

Rae grabbed his face and kissed him.

Adam’s gasp was muffled against her clumsy lips, but he kissed her back with no hesitation, gently drawing her closer, further into him. This was very, very new, and that was blatantly apparent to both of them. Though they’d been dancing around each other for months, kissing was a recent development, an incredibly inconvenient need Rae had given into in a quiet moment in their sleepy infirmary, and now she couldn’t get enough.

Her lips didn’t know quite what to do. Adam’s careful hands seemed to suffer from the same infliction, since he kept moving them from her face to her waist to her back, his touch so light she could barely feel it.

Their kisses were gentle and unskillful and beyond innocent, a meeting of desperate lips that tilted into embarrassed smiles. And yet, Rae felt like she was burning alive. If only she could stay here forever, stuck in these stolen moments that, for once, made her feel her age.

They parted, breaths uneven. As Adam’s eyes fluttered open, he smiled at her, his joy bright and infectious, colored by disbelief. Rae, I have liked you for as long as I’ve known you, he had quietly admitted to her a few months prior. I won’t do anything about it unless you want me to, but I needed you to know. My feelings won’t change, so if you ever – erm, well, if you find yourself – this isn’t coming out right. That was when he’d broken into a flustered smile, and Rae had known her fate was sealed, try as she might to fight it.

Now, she scooted even closer to Adam, turning to the side to face him, her bent legs falling over his uninjured thigh. He kissed her again, and her heart soared.

Right now, Rae wasn’t a soldier or a medic. She was just a girl, and there was nothing she wanted to be more. Nothing had ever been better.

Slowly but surely, they found their footing in this strange land of kissing and touching. He hugged her close, and her hands found a home on his chest. As his warmth seeped into her, her mouth fell open in pleasure, which he took as an opportunity to slowly deepen the kiss. Her breath hitched, and she involuntarily chased that feeling, that heat again and again.

Was she floating? Flying, even? Possibly. She couldn’t be sure.

For once, there was nothing in her mind but the boy before her.

Her confidence tentatively grew with every heated kiss, with the light press of Adam’s fingers against her back. A small, treacherous noise – was that even her? – snuck out from behind her lips, and he inhaled sharply. Suddenly, Rae found herself wanting to do every single thing that could be done with two bodies, even though she didn’t know what most of that was.

Adam whispered her name into her mouth. “You’re so lovely.”

A horribly embarrassing sound escaped her. They flinched away from each other, blinking through the haze that had surrounded them.

“Sorry,” they both said breathlessly. Then, “What?” And yet again, “I didn’t –”

Rae and Adam stared at each other, their confused stutters and apologies grinding to a halt. She was fairly certain she’d just accidentally moaned into his mouth, but he looked mortified enough that it made her think it might’ve actually been him. How could she not even know? It was as though a fog was clouding her mind, feeding her images of what could’ve happened if she’d moved closer to Adam, let him take her up and away with him.

Just as he opened his mouth to say something, it happened again. A small sigh, distant and muffled almost beyond recognition, reached Rae’s ears. It was coming from so far away that now it seemed beyond stupid that she’d thought even for a moment that it had come from her. Maybe her frazzled mind had dulled her senses. Some soldier she was.

But if it wasn’t her or Adam making those noises – oh, no.

No, no, no. Ew! Rae dropped her head into her hands. She should’ve seen this coming. From the mapmaker returning to her room as red as a tomato, to Captain Levi casually following in her wake not even ten minutes later – ew!

Absolutely not.

Of course, now her brain decided to start working again, and helpfully supplied her with images of what the two of them might be doing in there. Rae dispelled the images as soon as they appeared, but she still felt mildly sick to her stomach.

She did not want to imagine her friend doing any of that. She certainly did not want to think about her captain – oh, God, she was never going to be able to look at him again without seeing that in her mind. A shudder rocked through her.

“No way,” Adam whisper-shouted, staring at the door they’d left ajar for some reason. “There is no way Captain Levi – oh, my God!” He laughed quietly.

“This is so not funny.”

Rae wanted to put her fist through a wall, that was how uncomfortable she was. In truth, they – not using their names in her mind made all of this a bit more impersonal, thankfully – were not even loud. But the walls here were thin. People were bored and restless before the upcoming mission. Anyone who passed through the hallway would hear them. Maybe those in the infirmary already had.

Jessie. Oh, my God, if he knew about this –

Of course, the people walking down the hallway and hearing soft sighs would just assume the mapmaker was getting it on with some nameless, faceless, irrelevant soldier. But Jessie would know instantly. And he would be insufferable. Rae would lose all her hair before he let it go.

“Can you play?” she asked Adam hastily. “The guitar, I mean. Just to – you know.”

“Muffle the sounds?” Heat shot to Rae’s face, and he grinned. “Sure. That might be a good idea, actually.”

The discarded quitar was back in his lap in an instant, and his fingers danced along the strings carefully. A soft melody hummed through the air, sounding a little off since one string was missing, which Rae supposed was kind of vital. But it was still nice. More importantly, it did the job well enough.

“Oh, boy.” Rae slumped on the bed beside Adam, her face still uncomfortably warm. The Captain and the mapmaker, huh? Despite the tension between them being as thick as jam, she still never imagined them actually – no. She dispelled the thought before it could even form, an unreasonable panic overtaking her.

Captain Levi was someone she respected, and although she never exactly feared him – and found everyone’s nervousness with regards to him wildly exaggerated and unnecessary – she still did not dare think about his private life. Somehow, he would know that she knew, and thus she would die of embarrassment.

At least they weren't hearing a bed frame slamming against the wall.

Yet? Oh, God. “Adam, get that thing go a little louder?”

That thing could, in fact, go louder, but Adam’s laugh still overshadowed it. “This is genuinely the funniest night of my life.”

“This is hell,” she corrected, which only made him chuckle some more. Twisting around to face him, she was blinded by his smile. Although she was a bit disappointed that they were interrupted earlier, this was still more than enough for her – Adam’s infectuous joy, the music flowing from his fingertips. Their tea had long grown cold, but even that didn't seem to matter anymore. “We will never tell another soul about this. Agreed?” she asked.

“Of course. This is the Captain we’re talking about, and I’d like to stay alive.”

Chapter Text

Levi loved mornings.

He was always up before the rest of the Regiment had even stirred, which gave him a couple of hours of blissful peace and quiet before, inevitably, people came to pester him. He savored those undemanding hours of tranquility. They served him instead of sleep, something he never got much of. Bad dreams and a racing mind kept him up most nights, and sometimes he wouldn’t sleep at all, but he would pretend that he had and continue on with his indulgent morning activities, lounging in bed or sitting by the window, drinking his first cup of tea, mentally preparing for training or some other task that awaited.

Today, before he even opened his eyes, he became aware of another’s breathing and the unusual dip of his mattress, angling his body to the side. A faint smell of lavender hung in the air. It wasn’t as though he was surprised. He knew exactly who was sleeping next to him, making his bed warmer than usual. He just needed a moment longer before he was ready to acknowledge it.

Slowly opening his eyes, he let them first settle on the windows that were the reason he had chosen this room. Having spent more than two decades in the Underground, he never took sunrises, or the open sky in general, for granted. The pink and orange lights of dawn glided into his room, pooling over the creases of the thick blanket thrown over him. And her. Levi rolled his head back on the pillow, hearing a satisfying pop in his neck. As he breathed in deeply and stretched out his legs, he made sure not to move around too much and disturb her sleep.

Half a minute, and he couldn’t ignore the pull any longer. Wherever she was, his eyes wanted to stray and linger. And he let them.

Turning his head to the side, he observed the curious way in which she slept. The nooks of the blanket told him everything he couldn’t see. During the night, she had slipped half-way down the pillow, her arms covering her stomach, one knee pushed up to her chest.

Like she’s protecting herself. From what? Him? That didn’t seem right, considering everything that had happened last night and the days prior. The mapmaker had never seemed to fear him, even when he wanted her to. Even when she should have.

This kind of sleeping position was more than familiar to Levi. He’d spent his nights in the Underground similarly curling into himself, protecting his gut, usually clutching a pocket knife in his hand. The idea had crossed his mind before, that she may be from the Underground, but there was no plausible way that was true. She was only five years younger than him; he would have heard of her. The Underground was a small, filthy place, where everyone knew everyone, no matter if they liked it or not. And he remembered her genuine shock when he told her about Kenny the Ripper, her serial killer client who she’d considered a myth beforehand.

Levi really did not want to think about Kenny right now and he easily pushed the man’s ugly mutt out of his mind, focusing instead on the mapmaker’s face. He could barely see it from the disarray that was her newly short hair, but he glimpsed her cheek, smushed into the pillow, causing her lips to pout. A strand of hair dangling in front of her mouth swayed with every breath. Inhale, and the strand shivered. Exhale, and it flew away.

Levi felt warmth spreading through his chest, sticky and inconvenient and really annoying. Resentfully overcome with fondness, he wrestled with the urge to tuck her hair behind her ears so he could properly see her face, or simply haul himself over there to kiss those pouting, impossibly soft lips.

It didn’t escape him, the fact that this wasn’t the first time that she was dozing peacefully, while he was furiously thinking about her like some moon-eyed teenager.

Either way, he didn’t want to wake her. So instead, he allowed himself to think about last night. As if that was a conscious choice on his part, something he could even remotely control.

A night that had started innocently enough, with carefully brewed tea and mindless chitchat, ended up with her riding his cock, then falling asleep in his bed. It was hard to believe they had gone there, even though Levi was certain he hadn’t been drunk or hallucinating.

Still, to be on the safe side – or further torture himself – he called upon specific images to help prove it to himself. He remembered clothes dropping to the floor, and the heat in her eyes burning as bright as the fire low in his gut. Inches and inches of silky smooth skin that sent pangs of hunger coursing through him. The unexpected sight of her tattoos, which he still needed to ask her about. Their eyes meeting over her own breast as he kissed it. The breathy sounds she made, coaxing even more of those out of him, something he was powerless to stop. How her mouth had fell open when she sank onto him, their bodies so close he didn’t know where she began and he ended. The way she felt around him –

No, there was no chance he could’ve made that up. His pitiful mind could have never, ever come up with something like that.

It was almost too much. It had been, at one point. Bitter embarrassment burned in his throat as he remembered having to ask her to stop, to take a breather. Who the hell even said take a breather other than Keith Shadis, anyway?

More importantly, who in their right mind told a gorgeous, tortuously naked woman in front of them, hey, how about we don’t have sex right now?

Levi swallowed. Stopping right when she’d tugged him onto herself was far from enjoyable, but he’d had to. He just had to.

He hadn’t done this in years. The last time that he’d sex was in the Underground.

Everyone – Farlan included – had talked about sex as if it was the most glorious thing ever, something worth writing poems and dirty pub songs about. Levi was young and curious and desperate to partake in a pleasant activity for once, so he sought out sex. It wasn’t hard to find in the Underground, even for a recluse like him. But it wasn’t glorious, and he certainly wouldn’t write a song about it. The handful of times he’d done it, he would be left feeling strange, desperate for a shower and angry at Farlan and anyone else who even glanced his way. Such close contact with another person made him feel itchy, uncomfortable, and a little like he’d wasted his time.

And there were all these unspoken rules. He was always expected to dominate and lead, to shove and thrust, to bring his usual aloof demeanor into the bedroom, even though that wasn’t exactly what he wanted. Nobody bothered to ask, though, and he didn’t care to try to explain.

Sex in the Underground was quick and filthy and mostly unenjoyable.

Everything last night wasn’t.

He envied the mapmaker’s easy confidence, her skillful movements. She somehow knew exactly when to be gentle and when to be a little rough, where to kiss and touch, what to say.

Levi had been hard from the moment she sat down on his lap and kissed him. He had relished the slow way they explored each other, indulgently, items of clothing disappearing one by one, as if they had all the time in the world. Not that he was an expert, clearly, but he felt like that was how it should be done. He wanted to see, and touch, and taste everything. Feel everything. He didn’t want to rush, especially not with someone like her, someone who had been dragging him to insanity and back for weeks.

But at one point, for whatever reason, it became too much, too overwhelming. Levi had felt like he lost all control and he didn’t know how to gain it back, whether he wanted to and whether he should. Control was a weapon he had carefully sharpened and wielded on the daily. Control, of both himself and others, was all he had in the face of the god-awful world they lived in. So when he felt it slip out of his grasp, he had gotten genuinely lightheaded and had to ask her to step back for a moment, to collect his bearings and attempt not to embarrass himself further.

And she had guided him back with nothing but her voice.

It’s just me, Levi.

He couldn’t disagree more. She was anything but a just.

But he still appreciated the sentiment, glimpsed the meaning behind her words and kind eyes. By some miracle, he hadn’t felt patronized. Every gentle word had been followed by a teasing remark, meant to relax him and diffuse the tension. Admittedly, it had worked. He’d latched onto the easy banter and the sight of her face, two familiar things in this foreign land of knee-weakening sighs, blood-pounding need, intimate trust.

Soon, he’d found himself fine. More than fine, actually, and wanting her more than ever.

Even though he had seen the release making her jaw go slack, heard the intoxicating moans flitting off her parted lips, he couldn’t help but feel like he had disappointed her somehow. He could tell that she’d occasionally held back. Bitten her lip when she wanted to say something, forced her hands to stop before they reached certain places.

Levi looked at her sleeping form, that singular strand of hair still flying to and fro. He wanted to prove that he was capable of this – of keeping up with her, of pleasuring her and not letting her hold back. And he intended to do just that. Perhaps even this morning.

At the mere thought of it, his mouth watered, like he was some stupid dog that had glimpsed a bone to lick. It was almost entirely selfish, the desire to taste more of her skin and elicit those breathless sounds from her. What he wished to do wasn’t something he’d tried before, but the mechanics seemed simple enough. He would do it by feel, like most things he was unfamiliar with. Provided that she let him, of course.

Truth was, it had been terrifying, letting her see him at his most vulnerable, sputtering out sounds he couldn’t deny, doing things that couldn’t be misinterpreted or locked away come morning. But she had seen him. And he had seen her. And now, she was here, in his bed, sleeping peacefully.

She was still here.

Last night, while he had quickly washed himself and changed his wet bed sheets, she’d gone down to her room to take a dip in the bath and change. There was a moment when Levi thought she lied out of politeness and wouldn’t return, but then she had, smelling even better than before, complaints about his room being too far at the ready.

Moving carefully through his room, like it was still uncharted territory, she’d blown out the nearly-dead candles on his desk, slipped under the blanket, turned to him and announced, “All right, here’s the plan.” Then she proceeded to explain in great detail which bakeries and shops they would need to visit in Mitras to try out all the different poppy seed strudels that she liked. Levi had listened, amused that that was what she wanted to talk about after they’d just had sex. When he admitted that those strudels didn’t sound all that appetising – sticking seeds in dough wasn’t exactly a revolutionary invention – she scoffed and went on an even longer, angrier tirade.

Soon, her eyelids had begun to droop, her voice growing quieter. The last thing she had said before falling asleep was, “Well, this was a great tea party.” Levi had to press his lips tightly together so as not to laugh and wake her up all over again.

As for him, weariness had weighed down on his eyelids, but for a little while, he’d watched her sleep. The shadows her eyelashes cast over her moonlight-painted face. The way her face slackened, turning relaxed, appearing even more gentle then. He’d seen the exact moment that pout had settled over her pink lips.

And she was still here.

Levi repeated the fact to himself, reveling in its strangeness. That must’ve meant that she didn’t mind his blunder too much. Or was she simply too kind to show her confusion, her disappointment? She was still here, but was it manners or some more rules he didn’t know about keeping her here?

She’d said she wanted him, days ago. But did that hold true?

And if her sights were still set on him, then for how long?

He turned on his side, towards her. And immediately regretted it. Because the moment the mattress dipped, her breathing changed. A light sleeper, like him.

Slowly, she began to uncurl from herself, rolling her head back with a sigh and stretching out her legs. She pushed her hair away from her face carelessly and turned towards him, her eyes still closed, lips pursed. Her face was peaceful, somehow both familiar and unfamiliar. He had stared at it for the better part of the last month, but he’d certainly never seen her at the very second she woke up, before she even opened her eyes to begin her day.

“Hi,” she whispered, voice thick with sleep.

Instantly, there was a tug in his gut, like a stone forcing him to the bottom of the river, where he’d drown. “Morning,” he replied, hearing the rasp in his own voice. He shifted closer to her slightly under the ruse of making himself more comfortable. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, great,” she said into the pillow. “You?”

He hummed in agreement. He’d slept fantastically, in fact, getting about six hours of perfect, dreamless rest. That was two hours longer than usual. He thought it would be strange, sharing a bed with someone, but he’d fallen asleep mere minutes after her, exhausted by their previous activities and the long day he’d suffered though before that. The fact that she didn’t snore or kick or sleepwalk certainly helped matters.

The blanket swayed as she blindly reached towards him. When her fingers found his arm, they lingered there, grazing his skin and the thin coating of hair there.

Self-control still existed somewhere in Levi, albeit stuffed far away, and a mild twinge of panic invaded his mind now as he watched her stir to life.

They probably could clamber back to something akin to normalcy if they really tried – she was polite enough to pretend that this had never happened, and he was stubborn enough to do so. But was that what he wanted? He fought through the instinct to fight or flight, wrestled with the need to be a Captain and humanity’s strongest soldier right now, swam through the layers of anxiety – and found himself warm. Content.

Fuck it. She was here, and he wanted her here. Badly.

As long as she wanted him, for whatever reason, he’d be there. And when that inevitably changed, he’d step out of her way and try to forget.

Finally, her eyes fluttered open, focusing on him. She was always beautiful, but now, with her messy hair and crinkling eyes and sleep-warm skin, looking at her hurt a little bit.

Levi was greeted with a small, sleepy smile. The last of his already pathetic restraint vanished into thin air and he pushed himself onward, towards the enticing warmth of her body, until he was completely invading her space and they were sharing a pillow.

It was his pillow, after all. He was entitled to use it.

Her smile shifted into an even sweeter one as they looked at each other over the small space separating them.

“What?” he asked defensively.

“Nothing,” she murmured. “You’re just full of surprises, that’s all.”

Levi didn’t have a reply to that. She ran a hand down his arm, which he took as permission to touch her back. Carefully, he wrapped an arm around her under the blanket, and felt her legs sliding closer to his. Despite the relief slamming into him, he shifted his hips backwards slightly, away from her. It was the morning and her body was so close to his and the images from last night were still flashing through his mind. He couldn’t exactly help what was happening in his pants, but he could ignore it.

Out of nowhere, her eyes widened. He tensed, prepared to pull back.

“Is this illegal?”

He frowned. “What?”

“This. Us. Sleeping together. Is it illegal?”

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. That was what she was thinking about? Fraternization? “You don’t need to worry about that.”

Judging by the unimpressed look she shot him, the answer clearly didn’t satisfy her, but she didn’t push it. Instead, she slid closer into his embrace.

Levi’s fingers traveled until they found the delicate skin of her neck, right where her hair ended. He let his hand linger there, thumb grazing her jawline, touching her aimlessly, no agenda in mind. Shocked that he was apparently allowed to do that now. He tucked most of her hair behind her ear, which finally revealed her entire face. She was so soft, everywhere. He wondered how much time she had to devote to caring for her skin to get it like that. The Mitras bratiness really was coming through, but he couldn’t say that he minded.

Before he was even fully aware that he was doing it, he pushed himself up onto an elbow and leaned forward to trail slow, open-mouthed kisses along the slope of her neck, seeing as she had seemed to enjoy it yesterday. Her breath caught. When he reached her jawline, she turned her head and their lips met in a brief kiss.

It was just a peck, really. Yet Levi’s heart fluttered like a bird in a too-small cage. It was an instinct at this point, to angle his head, to press deeper, kiss her properly.

But then a finger landed on his chin, and he quickly pulled back.

“I haven’t brushed my teeth yet,” she said gingerly. Her fingers caressed his cheek, the touch feather-light, then found a home on the back of his neck. Although she wasn’t pushing him away exactly, he could take a hint.

“I haven’t, either.” He actually physically could not believe that he was about to press his morning breath-infested mouth onto hers. He really was losing his mind.

“Could I borrow some of your salt paste?”

“When you say borrow, that entails that you’ll return it.” Another instinct – saying shit that would earn him that exasperated look.

It worked. “I can buy you a new tub when we’re in town,” she said, a passably unimpressed expression on her face.

He shook his head humbly. “No, no. I guess I’ll suffer the cost.”

“Such a gentleman.”

As he sat up, she did, too, one hand still holding onto his neck. Gently, she urged him closer for another soft, lingering kiss, one that lasted long despite how chaste it was. Once they parted, she offered him another smile, tiny, maybe even a bit shy.

And Levi wished he could explain what that warmth shining bright in her eyes did to him. Why every smile aimed at him, of all people, made him want to hold her close and soak up some of her brightness, be worthy of it. Why any sign of interest from her made him want to blurt out every thought he’d had of her, every little thing he found beautiful and inspiring and confusing about her. Everything he was aching to do to her. Everything he’d gladly let her do to him.

Affection was so inconvenient.

Levi wanted to drown in it.

They both got out of bed and went to the tiny, adjoining bathroom, and Levi tried very hard not to stare at the pajamas hanging low on the mapmaker’s hips, or the way her chest pressed against her shirt. After giving her the salt paste tub to use first, he crossed his arms so as not to reach for her, and leaned against the door frame.

It was a bit strange, watching someone wash their face, rub salt paste along their gums and briefly chew on a mint leaf, all while being bed-warm and weary. He’d never thought these morning rituals were something that could, or should be shared. Maybe staring at her ass was more appropriate that seeing this side of her.

Having returned the tub to him with a wink, she passed by him, hand gliding along his back. While Levi got himself as presentable as he could, given the dreary circumstances – he missed hot running water more than words could express – from the corner of his eye he saw her stretch, then promptly plop back onto the bed.

“Not a morning person?”

“I like mornings.” Her words were a murmur, barely audible. “But I firmly believe they should be used purely for relaxation. Sunbathing. Reading. Drinking tea.”

“Well, I don’t know about the first two.” Dragging his feet, he made his way back to the bed. With his mouth newly fresh, he obviously wanted to kiss her – was there ever a point when he didn’t? – but he wasn’t sure how to approach things now. “But I can get us some tea.”

Her gaze softened. “Maybe later. Thank you, though.”

He nodded, probably looking like a fucking idiot, just standing there. Might as well start twiddling his thumbs.

The corner of her lips twisted to the side ever so slightly, and she tapped the bed beside her. “For now, come here for a bit?”

To regain at least an ounce of dignity and give his hands something to do, he stacked a few pillows one atop the other to lean against them. Then he rearranged them. Slapped a few.

She grinned. “That throne to your liking?”

“Almost.” Before she could blink, he grabbed the pillow under her head.

“Hey!” A soft laugh bubbled up in her throat. Her head fell back against the mattress. “How am I supposed to get comfortable now?”

“I’m sure you’ll figure something out,” he said.

Maybe she’d move closer to rest on the pillows bunched up behind him. Maybe she’d put her head on his shoulder again.

Or maybe, a voice in his head said, she’ll smack you over the head and get your brain working again.

“See, now my neck’s going to hurt,” she complained.

“You’re a medical volunteer. You can pop a painkiller whenever you want.”

He was acutely aware of the mapmaker’s every move. How she sat up with a yawn. How she let her head roll back, rubbing her neck, eyes closed. Somehow, she managed to make every single thing look indulgent. Even stretching seemed like the most pleasurable thing in the world when she did it.

Mitras had really treated her well. Levi allowed himself to imagine mornings how she described them – he saw her leafing through a book on a picnic blanket, somewhere warm and sunny, perhaps drawing something, too, and sipping on a warm cup of tea. Then later, she might have breakfast cooked for her, served up exactly how she liked it by someone who cared for her.

How had she survived the switch to this kind of lifestyle, he genuinely couldn’t comprehend. She was tougher than she looked. He’d realized it before, but it still baffled him. And he still felt like there was more to it.

He settled against the pillows with a sigh, half-sitting and half-lounging. With her attention on him, he felt the good kind of tension rolling through his gut, pinching every nerve alight. She reached a hand towards him, gently brushing a stray strand of hair from his forehead.

Then her head rolled to the side, a half-smile on her face. Expectant. She was waiting to see what he would do. How this morning would shape out.

For whatever reason, what came out of his mouth was, “Tell me about your tattoos.”

She didn’t seem too surprised by the question, probably because he had spent so much time examining the ink on her skin last night. “I got the one on my arm first. I was freshly eighteen, I think.” That was all she said about that one, avoiding his eye. Levi remembered that ridiculous band name the tattoo was apparently inspired by, and made a mental note to make fun of her for that some other time.

“Let me see it.”

Though she didn’t look too happy about it, she did put out her arm for him to wrap his fingers around and examine the odd-shaped heart. The black ink was an interesting sight, as was her motivation to even get tattooed in the first place, but there were other matters he found more pressing at the moment.

Swallowing a lump that had formed in his throat, Levi released her arm and put a hand above her hip instead. “What about this one?”

He gave her hip a squeeze. Then a tug.

Her expression changed instantly, eyebrows swooping low, and she allowed herself to slowly be guided onto his lap, her legs a warm weight on either side of his.

“The books and quill,” she said softly, the lilt in her tone making his pulse quicken.

She rose onto her knees, and his head lolled back against the headboard to watch her face as she inched closer, as close as possible, until they were chest to chest yet again. When she sat down, pressed against his crotch, he couldn’t help his sharp intake of breath. Every bit of his desire was made evident right then, but he couldn’t even bring himself to mind, not when the pressure felt so good. She’d barely touched him, barely even looked at him, and there he was, hard and aching and desperate.

“I had the books and quill done when I finished university.” She dragged her hands down his chest, the heat in her wandering eyes making him feel like he was already undressed. “It was a present for myself, I guess. No matter how much I loved university, finishing it was still a feat, and I was pretty proud of myself.”

Her tone was a shadow above breath. It made every word, no matter how trivial, sound suggestive. These were things Levi actually wanted to know, tidbits of information about her he wanted to examine from every angle. But his focus had gone right out the window.

Her gaze cut to his again. In some ways, this was even more maddening than having her bare skin on his. The anticipation, the smirk lurking in the corner of her mouth, the warmth of her body pressed against his, the teasing touches.

Except it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t nearly enough.

The delicately drawn vines were strung right underneath her breast, and Levi’s hand traveled along her side until his thumb grazed that spot, although he was careful not to touch anything he wasn’t sure he should. “And this one?”

She shrugged lightly, eyes dropping to his mouth. “That one doesn’t really have a specific meaning.”

With no further explanation, she leaned closer, and his breath caught in response, lips parting eagerly. But the kiss he was expecting didn’t come. Instead, she veered to the side, pressing her lips to his jaw. And then again lower, and lower.

His eyes fell closed, head slumping to the side automatically to allow her more access as she trailed soft kisses down his neck. It felt – it felt better than he could’ve imagined. Miles, miles better, every kiss sending a jolt of electricity through his body. Why was the skin of his neck so sensitive? It felt like a weakness. Something that could be exploited.

Again, he felt the reigns of control drop from his hands as her hot breath whispered across his throat. It was a strange paradox, wanting her to lead, to call the shots, yet fearing what would happen to his authority, his sanity, his entire being if she kept doing this to him.

He felt adrift. Lost to the world. There was nothing around him, nothing at all but the mapmaker’s lips, sending bolts of pleasure running through him with every touch.

He wondered exactly what he would do for the promise of her kiss. What depths he would sink to.

He reminded himself that she wasn’t taking anything from him. Not on purpose, at least. It wasn’t her fault she had this effect on him. It wasn’t her fault that he craved her – her attention, her time, her lips – like other people craved sunlight, or sweet vine, or chocolate. Wanting those things almost went without saying. It was mindless, yet somehow made perfect sense. That was how he wanted her.

At the place where his neck met his shoulder, she paused. First there was a sting of teeth, brief, a bite that turned his pleasure knife-sharp, dangerous. What followed was the unexpected heat of her tongue, smoothing out the pain and turning his knees liquid.

Fuck me. He clenched his jaw hard so as not to make a sound, fingers twitching, digging into her hips. When she did it again – kiss, bite, lick – he shivered, and a long sigh still shuddered out of him. She smiled against his skin.

Pulling back and leaving him in shambles, she said, voice as sweet as honey, “I just thought it would look nice.”

It took him an embarrassing amount of time to remember that they were talking about her tattoo. “It does,” he managed.

When she finally, finally brought her lips to his, she was still smiling.

Kissing her was a full-body experience. The initial gentle, tame brushes of her lips were a quiet sort of torture. Warmth spread throughout his chest, right underneath where her hands rested, and something awfully fragile, horribly scarred cracked in his chest, an unnamed victim of her soft caresses.

Then the kisses deepened, turning heated, laced with need. Mint on his tongue and bed-warm skin under his hands, Levi knew he would stay in this decadent limbo as long as she’d let him, knew he’d gladly get drunk on the little sighs dripping from her mouth until he couldn’t breathe. Her kisses were equal parts playful and unafraid to take what she wanted, tease, taste deeply. It was a slow descent into madness, a fire spreading throughout his entire body.

Last was the free-fall, the clear end of one thing and beginning of another. It was her hands in his hair, pulling on the strands ever so slightly, just enough to make his heart flare. It was her hips, pressing firmly into his. It was her desire, freely shown and assured, and shocking, because he seemed to be on the other end of it.

When he dipped his tongue into her mouth, she sucked on it, and Levi felt the tug echo all the way to his cock.

An embarrassing sound rumbled from his throat, and he had to pull away to catch his breath, regain his composure. He dropped his head so he wouldn’t blow hot air directly into her face. The fact that she was slightly breathless, too, made him feel a little better about himself. Actually, if he was being honest, it made him feel fucking incredible.

“So,” she began conversationally, although she couldn’t hide the quick rise and fall of her chest – especially since it was right there, in front of his face. She sat back slightly. “What’s on the agenda today, Captain?”

The word Captain made his mind go momentarily blank. That word really had no place here, in his bed. He glared up at her. “Well, as your Captain, I’d say training's on top of the list.”

“On the very top of the list?”

Flying through the air, sweating, and generally leaving his bed were not very high on Levi’s list of priorities right now. But the listless look she shot him almost made him laugh, and he had to focus really hard for his face to remain unchanged. How could he miss a chance to tease her? “Mm-hmm.”

Some amusement must’ve shown on his face, because her lips twitched to the side. Or maybe he was giving himself away, with his hands still on her hips, thumbs caressing her clothed skin. “Wow.”

“What?” he asked. “You’re the one who asked me to keep training.”

She sighed loudly, dramatically looking to the side, and he knew a complaint was in the works. “I can’t believe I wasted two of my chocolates on you.”

There were some insults that Levi couldn’t simply gloss over.

And she’d just given him the perfect opening.

-

“Wasted, are they?”

“It would appear so,” you said, with all the sadness of a widow who’d lost her husband in the war.

This – teasing each other about having more important things to do while you sat on his lap, while his fingers drew gentle circles into your hip bones – made everything that had happened between you feel more real. One-night stands didn’t really involve a lot of joking around the morning after.

“If that’s what you think,” Levi casually drawled, “maybe I should try to even the scales.”

“Oh, yeah? How are you going to do that?”

He wrapped his arms around you, tight, and for a moment his face was right beneath yours, gentle, kissed by the warm orange slants streaking in through the window. And then you felt yourself flying through the air, your stomach dropping. The next thing you knew, you were lying on your back, and his hands were unwrapping from around you, his face filling in the empty space above yours. The blankets were left a mess around you two.

A stunned laugh escaped you. “What the hell, Levi? What are you doing?”

Though he didn’t smile, his lips were pressed together so, God forbid, a bout of undignified laughter wouldn’t slip out, and his eyes were bright with humor.

There was a goal you could strive for – making Levi laugh, at least once.

“Weren’t you listening?” he said, his elbows pressing into the mattress around your head. “I said I was going to try to make up for your tragic loss.”

The longest strands of his hair grazed your forehead as he settled above you. “Well, good,” you said quietly, looping your arms around his neck. His nose brushed against yours, and that, for whatever reason, made your heart seize.

When the kiss came, you eagerly welcomed it.

And melted underneath him.

His kisses were slow, lazy, yet dripping with hunger, a stark contrast to yesterday’s slightly desperate edge. Your head began to spin, and you moved to cup his face, lest he should try to go anywhere. Once your lips parted for him, you felt a nudge against your hips. Heat surged through you as you spread your legs, placing your feet flat on the mattress and allowing him to dip between your parted thighs, where his weight remained to torment you.

Now that he didn’t have to use both hands to hold himself up, one began to roam. Knuckles brushed against your cheek, tenderly, then dropped down to your side. You felt his hand hesitate somewhere by the hem of your sleeping shirt, and then it slipped under the fabric and began to clear a burning path from your hip to the underside of your breast, up and down again.

You shivered, surprised by this morning’s onslaught of affection. If anything, you’d expected this morning to be somewhat awkward, with you dancing around each other after what had happened. Instead, it seemed that you might get a repeat of last night.

He really was full of surprises.

Every time his fingers trailed upwards along your body, they stopped before they reached your chest. He couldn’t actually still be apprehensive about touching you there, could he? Before you could ask, or tell him that you really didn’t need him to be shy about this, or simply push yourself into his hand, his fingers drifted down and hooked through the waistband of your pajama bottoms. Every thought dissipated from your brain, leaving only a chorus of oh, my God, oh, my God, oh my God.

Panting, he pulled away from the kiss, a question in his eyes. You simply lifted your hips off the mattress in response.

It wasn’t like yesterday, when your trousers were carelessly flung across the room in the heat of the moment. Now, Levi sat back on his knees and slowly took your pajamas off, holding the waistband with his thumbs and letting his fingers glide over the length of your legs, eyes ravenously catching on every newly exposed inch of skin. However, he still threw the pajamas onto the floor afterwards, and you almost laughed.

When he came back for another long, intoxicating kiss, his free hand sprawled across your bare thigh, squeezing on the outside, then just barely brushing his fingertips down the inside of your leg, stopping before he reached your underwear. You groaned into his mouth impatiently and felt him shiver.

You grabbed for his shirt, intending to take it off. Within a second, his hand closed around yours.

You blinked up at him.

“I said that I am trying to even out the scales,” he murmured against your lips. “Stop tipping them in your favor again.”

“I’m getting a little confused about the whole scales thing,” you admitted. “Can you just kiss me some more, please?”

A tiny furrow leaped between his eyebrows. “Don’t say please.”

“You have a lot of rules about this, Captain. Could you make me a list?”

“I think I’ve covered everything just now,” he said, his knuckles brushing against your jaw. After an uncertain pause, he let his thumb sweep along your bottom lip, the caress so light you could’ve mistaken it for a breeze.

This was another thing that made everything more real – the way he so often looked at you. Eyes leaping over your features greedily, like he was adamant about not missing anything.

He swallowed. “Actually, there’s one more thing. Don’t call me Captain.”

“Alright.” You urged him closer and, right as his mouth molded against yours, you softly whispered, “Levi.”

The breath he took sounded almost pained, a shudder that raked his lungs. Since he apparently didn’t want to be stripped of any clothes right now, you contended yourself with tracing the line of his spine through his shirt and kissing him fiercely before he moved back again.

Drawing back, he curled a single finger through the waistband of your underwear, looking at you with all the seriousness in the world. You nodded, and he carefully took it off. Given the state your underwear was in – and therefore, the state you were in – normally, you would be a bit embarrassed. Overeagerness was hardly attractive. But when Levi’s eyes flickered southward, something dark and unfamiliar flooded them, his attention honing, breathing turning heavy, labored. Your stomach churned.

It was only when he nudged your knees further apart and dropped to his elbows between them that you realized what he intended to do. Your mouth went dry, heartbeat dangerously accelerating before he’d even touched you.

Truth was, you would have never, ever thought Levi would want his mouth anywhere near there. Apparently, you were wrong. Very wrong.

What the hell is going on?

“What do you think?” he asked, looking at you through the empty space between your legs. Causal was what he was going for, you assumed, but there was an uneven, rough edge to his voice. “Will this make up for the chocolates?”

As he spoke, a rush of hot air fanned over you. You swallowed a lump that had lodged in your throat and clenched around nothing, and he, of course, noted both of those involuntary actions. His hands snuck around your thighs, keeping them spread wide apart, and the muscles winding through his shoulders flexed as he moved closer. He turned his head to the side, pressing his lips to your thigh, all while still watching you, waiting for an answer.

Your mind spun, searching for something, anything clever to say, and landed on, “I don’t doubt your skills, Levi. Only their usefulness to me.” That was something he’d said to you a month ago, when thing were unrecognizably different between you two.

The joke didn’t really land. Because while he sounded like he’d swallowed gravel, your voice was faint, barely audible.

“Tsk.” He dragged his lips down your inner thigh. “So disrespectful.”

Then his mouth was on you.

The heat of his tongue instantly forced all the air out of your lungs. As much as this was an abnormality very much worth watching, you couldn’t help but fall back against the pillows, eyes squeezing shut in an effort to survive this deluge of pleasure. You hastily threw an arm over your mouth to muffle the sounds that ensued as he licked a long, testing stripes up the length of you. The pressure rapidly formed, and you instinctively tried to close your legs to combat it, but his strong hands easily kept them apart.

Next thing you knew, your hips were lifted off the mattress, legs hauled over his shoulders. All to make it easier for him, and that much more maddening for you.

He tasted you with languid, luxurious strokes. His breath was scotching hot, growing more rapid, but that didn’t seem to stop him from pressing his face closer, deeper between your legs.

You swam through disbelief and blinding pleasure, and you breathing soon became labored to keep up with your rapidly beating heart. It took Levi all but five seconds to realize where you were most sensitive and to focus on that spot, that same little spot his thumb had teased last night. Slowly, he closed his mouth around it, then paused for the briefest of moments, unsure. When you did nothing to stop him, his lips pressed harder and his tongue darted out, lapping against the delicate skin. It felt like electricity crackling through every nerve ending.

He began to alternate between gentle flicking and firm swiping. Achingly aware of how not alone you were in this castle, you tried to stiffen the sounds that sputtered out of your mouth, though it was a fairly useless endeavor. With every escaped moan, Levi doubled down with newfound, relentless enthusiasm.

In a weak attempt to touch him back, you weaved your fingers through his hair.

Twirling, his tongue moved lower, and you gasped when it slipped inside of you, moving into and against the heat. He angled his head to go deeper. The sound of his mouth working against you was so obscene, so insane, so mind-boggling that you knew you’d hear it anytime you needed to get off.

Sizzling heat unspooled anywhere his mouth went, and your hips bucked, an involuntary demand for more, more, more. Not that he seemed intent on stopping anytime soon.

What you didn’t expect, though, was a low hum to vibrate through him. Another plunge, and he moaned against you again.

It shocked you so bad that you gripped his hair, hard. Too hard.

You let go immediately, fisting the blanket instead. “I’m sorry,” you panted out. “Sorry.”

The dizzying torrent of licks and kisses stopped, and you took the chance to gulp down some much-needed air. A proper apology formed on your tongue – I truly did not mean to make you bald on this fine morning, not that you’d look bad bald – but you never got the chance to utter it.

“What did I say,” Levi whispered, his voice low, husky, a walk along a knife’s edge, “about apologizing for stupid shit?”

You pried your eyes open and forced yourself up, onto a single weak elbow to look at him, because you had to. You had to, at least for a moment. What you found was a mess of disheveled hair; parted, red, wet lips; eyes dark and heavy-lidded, burning brighter than any fire pit you’d ever seen.

All you could do was stare at him, his pretty face flanked by your thighs, mouth glistening. The few times you had this done to you, you’d learned that half the pleasure came from the sight before you, a person wholly devoted to making you feel good, at least for a while. As much as you knew that, nothing could have prepared you for seeing Levi like this.

Levi, willingly burying his head between your legs. Pleasuring you with his mouth, taking appraising sips and greedy swigs of you, not caring how messy he was getting. Not even asking for anything back yet.

“Like I said,” you whispered, “you have a lot of rules. Hard to keep up.”

“And like I said.” He lowered his mouth. “Disrespectful.”

A flash of pink tongue was the only warning you got before the sweet torture began anew. The only difference now was that Levi maintained eye contact as he lapped you up, cataloguing each gasp and sigh and twitch, watching how your mouth fell open and your thigh muscles tightened. His head bobbed slightly, following the movements of his mouth. He tasted you in a slow, unhurried way, like there was nothing he’d rather be doing this morning.

The waves of pleasure crashing through you stole your breath, your entire body’s focus honing on the heady sensation unfurling through your abdomen. Heavy-lidded eyes held yours as Levi dragged his tongue up, up until he could wrap his lips around that same spot at the apex of your thighs.

He raised a brow.

And sucked.

You reeled backwards, falling back into the pillow and biting into your arm to muffle a deafening moan. Your other hand shot blindly towards the insane man nuzzled between your legs, fingers winding through his hair in a mindless attempt to keep him there, to keep doing that.

Which he seemed inclined on doing.

With impressive dedication, no less.

Oh, my God.

Breathy, frantic gasps sputtered out of you as he applied more pressure. Heat traveled down your legs and tension mounted your lower abdomen right before your muscles contracted and white light flashed behind your closed eyelids.

You exhaled shakily, one final shiver slicing through you. The pulsing ecstasy slowly began to subside. Soon, your entire body sagged, feeling heavy and boneless.

Trying to catch your breath, you kept your eyes closed, but let the arm you were using as a muffler drop. One more kiss found its place on the inside of your thigh, and then your legs were gently set onto the mattress, which dipped as Levi came to lay beside you.

You knew exactly what you’d find plastered across his face even before you opened your eyes. You could practically feel the air of complacency that hung around him like a cloud. And your suspicions were confirmed when you finally managed to peel your eyes open and turn your head towards him. He watched you with a single sharp eyebrow still poised high, his knuckles brushing against your hip.

Your gaze dropped to the bottom half of his face. The glossy wetness gathered there. You wiped his chin with the back your hand and watched, incredulous, as his bottom lip disappeared into his mouth. When it popped back out, red and glistening, the corner of his mouth twitched to the side.

He was very nearly smirking.

You exhaled a shaky laugh. “I really hate seeing you so smug. Trust that I’ll pay you back in kind.”

“You shouldn’t threaten those of superior rank.”

“It’s a habit I can’t seem to break,” you joked, remembering how you’d angrily elaborated on your sudden visit to his room, bar of chocolate in hand and cherry wine sloshing through your veins. That felt like it had happened months and months ago, not mere days ago. “At least with you.”

Something flickered across his face. “Yeah, I’ve noticed that.”

Blood raced to the surface of your skin. Somehow, you felt like you’d confessed something dangerous to him yet again, a reiteration of your whole wine-drenched I can’t help but want you speech.

Objectively, you assumed you didn’t really need to feel self-conscious about your desires anymore. After last night and this morning, it was clear that Levi did not, in fact, treat you like everyone else, and that he shared at least some of your feelings.

But this unnamed thing with him always left you feeling like you were walking on unsteady ground, in an endless state of perplexity – but, hadn’t he always confused you, from the very moment you met him?

“This time, it was more of a promise than a threat, actually. Either way, you are insane,” you concluded breathlessly. “And I mean that as a compliment.”

His only reply was a small shrug, the picture of humility. It only made you laugh harder.

But in seconds, the egotistical pride faded from his features, and he asked, “You’re all right?”

You wondered if he was asking because you were still panting, or if those words presented a more subtle, roundabout way of inquiring whether what he'd done was okay. Just how last night, he'd asked was that good for you?

“Never better,” you replied with an easy grin, your heart rate slowly evening out. The moment your strength returned, you sprung up, hand going to Levi’s chest. You pushed him onto the mattress – or rather, he let you push him onto the mattress. And yet, under your hand, you felt a stutter in his breathing. “Now, about that payback. Do you want –”

A knock sounded on the door.

Levi steadied you when you flinched.

Another knock echoed, slightly further away. Then another, down the hall. Was someone going through the hallway and pounding on each door? To wake everyone up, presumably? Or to get a slipper in the head, if you had anything to say about this.

A voice carried though the hallway. “ – leaving! Now!”

Your thoughts of warm skin and winding muscles and strangled groans staggered to a halt. “We’re leaving? Now?” you repeated, belatedly realizing how stupid you sounded. You blinked harshly, as though that could knock your brain into motion.

A glance down at Levi revealed his clenched jaw, eyes severe with irritation. Well, the feeling was wholeheartedly mutual.

His gaze cut to you. With him sprawled on the bed, with you all over his mouth, you couldn’t help but childlishly muse how wildly unfair it was that you’d get interrupted again. He hesitated for a long moment, then said, “We need to go see what’s going on.”

Unfortunately, you had to agree.

-

The clasps winding through your ODM gear poked into your legs as you tapped your foot against the ground. You weren’t sure if you were even supposed to put the gear on already. No one was saying anything. Well, anything of note. The entire castle was in a state of disarray, with people mumbling and hauling bags onto overflowing carts. The expression on the Scouts’ faces ranged from groggy, sleepy confusion to mild annoyance.

In one of the medical carts you were standing beside, Markl slept, his head resting against the rough wood, a pool of drool forming beneath him. The rest of the patients unable to ride were in a similar state. Uncomfortable, tired, or frustrated with their pain. In stark contrast, Eren and Jean were brawling nearby, hissing something about – hair products? The black-haired girl that always hung around them – Mikasa, you were pretty sure – started towards the boys, but then seemed to give up and left them to fight it out.

You hid a yawn behind your hand. Having stumbled out of Levi’s room and hurried to grab your bags, you had missed whatever announcement was given. All you could do was follow the herd, and wait for a familiar face that might explain what, exactly, was going on. Was the Stohess plan a-go right away? Or was another crisis in place?

It seemed inappropriate to bring up the possibility of breakfast. But was there at least time to drink some tea?

“You know,” a voice grumbled beside you, making you jump, your hand slamming against your breastbone. You turned to Rae, who’d materialized beside you out of thin air, in shock. “Most people, when they have a late-night run-in with someone, simply – uh, do what they need to do, and get it over with.”

“What?”

“You know.” She waved a hand, annoyed, though her voice suggested discomfort. “Most people don’t – don’t chase each other around like mice.” The look she shot you could’ve made paint peel off the wall. “And they certainly don’t carry dirty sheets though a castle housing a hundred other people.”

Your jaw unclenched. “How do you know about that?”

“What do you mean, how do I know that? I saw you.”

Had you, with your mind focused solely on Levi, passed Rae in the hallway without even noticing? That seemed far-fetched, even for you.

The confusion on your face must’ve started being annoying, because she sighed. “After I came back from the infirmary, I went to my room. You know, the room across from yours? My door was open. I literally saw you two, running around from one end of the castle to the other.”

Frowning, you crossed your arms. Rae was younger than you, so why did you feel so silly under her scolding, hard gaze? “Why was your door open?” you demanded.

She threw her arms out. “Why did you two have to come and go a million times? Was one room really not enough for what you were doing?” The moment the words left her lips, she clamped her mouth shut, seemingly regretful that she’d ever spoken.

A smirk tugged on your mouth, and you couldn’t help but tease her for her obvious discomfort. “No, it really wasn’t.”

She glared up at the clear, blue sky. “What did I do to deserve this?”

“Why was your door open, Rae?”

“I like to keep an eye on things,” she said defensively.

“Oh, so you’re a creep?”

“I’m a soldier. We don’t carry sheets around unless they’re concealing a dead body.”

“Jesus Christ. That’s grim.” Given the horrific expedition you’d both just clawed out of, the conversation stalled after those words, so you hurried to lighten the mood again. “Well, it wasn’t a body, but there was –”

“Stop!” She went to clamp a hand over your mouth, then froze. “Ugh. Who knows where your mouth has been.”

That, and how clearly weirded out she was by this, startled a laugh out of you. “Nowhere that interesting, sadly. But, if you really want to know –”

“I don’t!” she exclaimed shrilly. From one of the medical carts, a head full of messy curls popped out, and Rae blanched at the sight of Adam. Although her face went crimson, she managed to glare at you with a ferocity Levi would be proud of. “But you know who will want to know every little detail? Jessie.”

That wiped the grin off your face. “Please, don’t tell him.”

“I won’t,” she said grumpily. “But he’ll know.”

“How would he know, if you don’t tell him?”

“I don’t know! How does he know everything? Maybe it’ll come to him in a prophetic vision.”

“We have a prophet among us?” a familiar drawl inquired, and your blood instantly warmed.

Rae’s eyes widened, and she slammed her fist over her heart so hard, you worried she’d actually get a bruise. Looking over your shoulder, you watched Levi place his bags onto an already wobbly cart, before making his way over to you, stride quick, shoulders tense. Fresh and clean again.

“That seems like something you should’ve mentioned, Fairs,” Levi said lightly.

All she managed to say in response was a weak, “Captain.”

“Captain,” you echoed, mimicking the salute.

His gaze cut to you, and for a moment you were on top of him, moaning against his sweat-sleek skin, then falling apart under his insatiable mouth. Just days ago, you had drunkenly confessed to him that you couldn’t help but want him, and not in any way that is remotely professional or friendly or respectful. The day after that, you’d kissed with reckless desire, falling over each other in the grass. And then you’d stumbled into bed together, all hot mouths and curious hands.

How could things change this quickly?

And what would happen now, when real life and all the dangers that came with your jobs slammed through your fantasies like a sledgehammer?

What were you supposed to do? How were you meant to act around him? It wasn’t as if you’d discussed this, or done much talking in general.

“Mapmaker,” he said evenly, though his eyebrows went down, like he was remembering some of the same events you were thinking about.

From the corner of your eye, you saw Rae looked skyward again, muttering something inaudible.

Saving Rae any additional awkwardness, Hange and Erwin appeared, bounding through the castle doors left ajar. Moblit followed in their wake, a stack of papers in his hand and a pen between his teeth. Their expressions were drawn, tension laced through every muscle. As more Scouts noticed their arrival, a hush fell over the troops. You unconsciously stood at attention, even as they turned their backs to you and headed towards Eren.

“Are we leaving for Stohess right away, Captain?” Rae asked.

“Erwin says an opportunity presented itself.” Levi’s voice was clipped, cold, his attention likely honing on the mission ahead, even if he won’t be as active a participant as he might like. “We can’t waste it. Eren and the decoys will ride out first, and we’ll follow.”

“Out of the fire and into the frying pan, huh?” you muttered to no one in particular.

Your own thoughts drifted, ambling from one problem to the next. Why the Commander believed you, Jessie, and Rae could provide enough medical support to a hundred people, you truly didn’t know. And this mission might present new challenges, as well. While you’d had some practice now with rescuing people by hauling them atop a cart and speeding off before Titans could rip you apart, you weren’t sure how you were meant to carry someone over longer distances with nothing but your own two legs and your ODM gear.

Well, maybe it won’t come to that. Eren and his little crew might fool the Female Titan, rendering all of these preparations useless.

But the fact that those kids acted as your first line of defense didn’t make you feel any better. In fact, it made your gut twist painfully, thinking about how disproportionate their ages and responsibilities were.

“There’s Jessie,” Rae murmured.

You followed her stormy gaze. Jessie had a small wooden box in his hands and a deep frown on his face. As his eyes cut to Commander Erwin’s back, you remembered another issue that had yet to be solved – a glaring lack of morphine.

A lump formed in your throat. This was too much. There was too much weight resting on the shoulders of your little team.

“Stay stealthy.” Levi regarded both you and Rae, though his attention lingered on you a moment longer. “If everything goes well, the number of your patients won’t change after today.”

A conversation you’d had with him before floats at the forefront of your mind.

How often do things go ideally on your expeditions?

Rarely.

The disappointment of being ripped out of Levi’s embrace slowly ebbed as more pressing worries thickened around you like a cloud of smoke. You had a cart full of patients that needed looking after during the ride ahead, and you had a mission, an important one, to think about, to go over your orders with Jessie and Rae. To muse over your flimsy plans and devise even more of them, until you exhausted the entire alphabet. Until you were as certain as you could be that the three of you would make it out of any mess that might ensue in Stohess.

Well, you’ve slacked off long enough. It was time to get to work.