Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

An aggressive knock on her bedroom door worsens Chaewon’s throbbing headache. She groans into her pillow, then takes a moment to put on her leader voice.
“What is it?” She says as sweetly as she can muster.

“Pupu!”

It’s Yunjin. She should have been able to tell from the sheer volume of the knock, but if that’s not enough there’s her best friend’s unnecessarily loud speaking voice and that annoying nickname. Pupu . Whatever happened to cute nicknames like Chaewonnie? 

“Pupu, come out!” Yunjin shouts, pounding on the door again, “Manchae wants to play a game!”

Chaewon ignores her because every word out of Yunjin’s mouth is echoing around her head like a pinball machine. Why is her friend so damn loud?

“Kkura and Zuha are here!” Yunjin adds. Chaewon surmises that the other girl isn’t planning to give up anytime soon.

“Come in,” She calls, and the door opens revealing Jennifer Huh in a tank top and boxers. She insists this is what passes for pajamas in America, but Chaewon’s not quite sure.

“Come on,” Yunjin crosses over to the bed where Chaewon is sprawled, “We’re all hanging out.”

“I can’t,” Chaewon murmurs, “Headache.”

Yunjin reaches out a hand to brush Chaewon’s bangs out of her face. It’s only when her bangs don’t cooperate that Chaewon realizes how sweaty she is. Yunjin seems to realize too and kneels on the floor so the two girls are face to face.

“I don’t want you locked in here suffering alone,” Yunjin’s eyes search Chaewon’s for a hint at why she’s sick and sweaty and moody, “Come on out. We won’t be too loud, I promise.”

Chaewon knows not being loud isn’t even an option for her members. Still, she offers her hand to Yunjin who helps pull her out of bed. Chaewon’s surprised at the gentleness with which Yunjin handles her. The younger girl usually has more energy than she knows what to do with it, and most of it goes into slapping and shoving Chaewon whenever Yunjin erupts into one of her laughing fits. Now, though, Yunjin is smoothing Chaewon’s hair and straightening her pajamas with a touch as light as a feather. With Yunjin fussing over her like this, Chaewon suddenly feels awkward. She turns away and heads out into the common area of the dorm.

Just as Yunjin promised, the other members are already there. Sakura and Kazuha are cuddling on the couch while Eunchae sits on the floor. Yunjin takes the last spot on the couch and Chaewon frowns.

“You beg me to come out and make me sit on the floor?” She jokes. Yunjin pats her lap and there’s that awkward feeling again. Chaewon has been standoffish for the past few days, but she didn’t expect to be so uncomfortable around her members after just a few days not interacting with them at every moment. She sits on Yunjin’s lap and tries to relax, leaning her head back on Yunjin’s shoulder and feeling the other girl’s arms wrap around her waist.

She glances up at Yunjin and sees the other girl eyeing her with a weird expression.

“Are you uncomfortable?” Yunjin asks softly. Chaewon shakes her head. She doesn’t see this side of Yunjin a lot. The Yunjin who is capable of speaking below a shout. The Yunjin that moves her head ever so slightly so Chaewon can find a more comfortable spot in the crook of her neck even though Chaewon said she was fine.

Eunchae claps her hands, wearing the huge smile that means she’s about to say something cute or stupid. “Let’s play truth or dare,” Eunchae suggests. The other members groan because, of course, the rest of them are out of high school.

“Come on,” Eunchae complains, “It’ll be fun. Or, let’s play truth or watermelon.”

“Truth or watermelon?” Kazuha repeats.

“Ah,” says Yunjin, “This is a game I’m interested in.” Chaewon smiles and nestles her head closer to Yunjin. The soft rising and falling of the younger girl’s chest is enough to calm her headache a little bit.

“It’s like truth or dare,” Eunchae explains, “Except when you ask a question everyone in the circle has to answer.”

“Okay,” Yunjin claps and the noise ruins the calm feeling Chaewon had a moment before, “Let’s play!”

Eunchae’s smile widens, “Okay, I’ll ask the first question. Have you ever kissed anyone?” This elicits another groan from the older members. “I haven’t,” Eunchae answers first.

“Me neither,” Says Kazuha.

“I have,” Sakura smiles shyly.

Yunjin gasps, “Ah, really?” Chaewon is glad that her friend is back to her normal loud self, even if it’s at the expense of Chaewon’s peace.

“As part of HKT48,” Sakura hastily explains, “We had to kiss the other girls for movies and performances and stuff. Being an idol in Japan is really different in that way.”

“On the lips?” Kazuha looks terrified at the thought of it.

Sakura blushes, “Not a real kiss. Just a quick one. But yes, I guess I’ve kissed someone.”

“I haven’t,” Chaewon answers.

“I have,” Yunjin says. Now it’s Chaewon’s turn to gasp.

She gently headbutts Yunjin’s shoulder with her head, “You never told me that.”

“You never asked!” Yunjin protests.

“Who? Who? Who?” Eunchae waves her arms in excitement.

“A boy in America,” Yunjin is smiling widely, not embarrassed the way the rest of the members are by the topic of kissing, “Before I moved back here to be a trainee, there was a boy that liked me and he kissed me after school one day.”

The members are squealing, clapping, and stomping at the story. Chaewon closes her eyes, trying to calm the throb inside her head.

“What did it feel like?” Kazuha asks, mouth hanging open.

Yunjin shrugs, taking Chaewon’s head up and down with the movement of her shoulder, “It felt how you’d think it would feel. I didn’t feel anything special and magical. I didn’t like him that much. Maybe it would be different with someone you’re really in love with.”

The other girls sigh dreamily at the thought of it. Chaewon thinks it's kind of sad that she’s 22 and never been kissed, but that’s what she signed up for when she became an idol. Love will have to wait until she’s retired.

“I have a question now,” Sakura interrupts the romantic daze that has settled over the group, “Which of the members would you go out with if you were a boy?” It’s the same question Sakura asked in Iz*one years ago. Chaewon wonders if Sakura’s fondness for this type of question comes from her time as a Japanese idol.

“Kazuha,” Eunchae answers, “She’s pretty and girly, but she’s also so funny.”

“I would pick Chaewon,” Kazuha says shyly, “‘She can be cute but she can also be cool and tough. I think I’d like how she has different sides to her.” Chaewon blushes at Kazuha’s honesty. It’s strange talking about other girls in this way.

“I’d date Kazuha,” Sakura answers, “We’re both more reserved. We would go together well.”

Chaewon thinks about it for a second, chewing on her lip. “I’d date Yunjin,” She finally answers, “She’s so different from most girls in Korea. She’s so carefree. I think it would be exciting to date her. If I was a boy.” She adds the last part a little late and feels the blush rising to her cheeks, but Yunjin doesn’t seem to notice.

“I’m very exciting,” Yunjin agrees, reaching up the arm that isn’t supporting Chaewon’s head to squish the older girl’s cheeks.

“What about you?” Chaewon asks softly.
“Kazuha,” Yunjin answers immediately.

“Ah, Kazuha is so popular,” Sakura smiles at the girl in question.

“We’ll all have to fight over her,” Eunchae jokes.

“She’s mine,” Yunjin raises a fist as if threatening the youngest girl. Chaewon rolls her eyes. Her members can overdo it at times. While they erupt into noise around her, she closes her eyes and relaxes into the crook of Yunjin’s neck. She feels Yunjin’s hand come up to stroke her hair. She doesn’t notice that she’s falling asleep until her own name jolts her awake.

“Is Chaewon okay?” Eunchae asks. Chaewon blinks her eyes open. The youngest is looking at her worriedly. Chaewon does feel very sweaty. She hopes it's not a fever, being sick will mess up their whole promotional schedule.

“I think our Pupu isn’t feeling her best,” Yunjin says gently, left hand still stroking Chaewon’s hair.

“I’m just tired,” Chaewon murmurs.

“And sweaty,” Yunjin adds. Chaewon softly headbutts her again.

“Let’s let her sleep now,” Sakura suggests. Chaewon tries to get up off of Yunjin’s lap but the younger girl holds her back. She turns Chaewon a little bit so their bodies are perpendicular and tucks one arm under Chaewon’s legs and one under her back.

“Ah, Yunjin,” Chaewon complains, but Yunjin is already lifting her up and carrying her towards her bedroom. Chaewon marvels at her friend’s strength, holding tight to Yunjin although she knows the younger girl would never drop her. Yunjin sets Chaewon gently in bed, wrestling the blankets out from under her and tucking her in.

“I’m so sweaty,” Chaewon murmurs, fighting sleep, “I need to shower.”

“You’ll shower tomorrow morning,” Yunjin’s hand cups Chaewon’s cheek, warm on her already overheated face but so soft that Chaewon doesn’t mind. “How about you take a day off tomorrow?” The younger girl suggests.

“Why?” Chaewon mumbles, “It’s just a little headache. I’ll sleep it off.”
“Chae, you’ve been acting differently all week. You don’t have to tell me what it is, but I know something’s wrong.”

“I’m fine,” Chaewon insists. Yunjin doesn’t answer, just looks at Chaewon with her head tilted to the side like she’s thinking about something. Chaewon blushes under her friend’s gaze, looking at her own hands instead of Yunjin’s piercing eyes.

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow,” Yunjin decides. She leans down to give Chaewon a feather-light kiss on the cheek before turning to go.

“Wait,” Chaewon says so softly she’s not sure if Yunjin hears. The younger girl turns around and suddenly it’s like Chaewon is seeing Yunjin for the first time. Her blonde hair and dark eyes and soft pink lips. Her collarbones disappearing into her lacy white tank top. Her tight stomach just barely showing above the waistband of her boxers. Suddenly, she’s someone Chaewon doesn’t know at all. Someone who kisses boys and is strong enough to carry Chaewon around like it’s nothing. Someone who’s just as loud as the Huh Yunjin that Chaewon knows, but can also be so quiet. Chaewon doesn’t know what to make of the strange girl standing in front of her.

“Stay until I fall asleep?” Chaewon whispers.

Yunjin nods and sits lightly on the side of Chaewon’s bed, her presence calming Chaewon as she allows herself to drift off into sleep.

Chapter Text

The next day, Chaewon wakes up with sunlight streaming through her window. She takes a moment to stretch and enjoy the light. She’s become so used to waking up before sunrise for practice and– Oh shit. She’s late for practice.

Chaewon snaps out of her morning daze and frantically reaches for her phone to see that her alarm never went off. She set at least three of them the night before, surely one of them should have worked? Then she sees the texts from Yunjin.

Yunjinnie: i turned your alarm off 😈 forgive me pupu!!

Yunjinnie: i told the manager you’re sick and you’ll be late for practice. he's not mad. take a shower 😘

Chaewon smiles at her phone in spite of herself. She should never have given Yunjin her passcode. She drags herself out of bed and into the shower, washing away yesterday’s sweat. As she goes through her morning routine, she thinks about the night before, a slight tinge of embarrassment coloring the memory. Falling asleep on Yunjin, being carried to bed and tucked in, asking Yunjin to stay with her. Chaewon normally hates touchy-feely stuff like that. She must have been really sick, she decides.

As soon as she arrives at practice there’s that tense feeling in her stomach again. Yunjin and Kazuha are practicing for their SBS opera and ballet stage. Yunjin is standing on a stool, singing in French and beaming at Kazuha as the girl dances in front of her.

Yunjin. She really is something else. Chaewon knows nothing about opera, or French for that matter, and watching her friend sing so effortlessly is just another reminder of how much she still doesn’t know about her life predebut. Of course, Kazuha is a perfect ballerina. She’s tall and graceful, her every movement extending through her long limbs. Chaewon can’t blame Yunjin for the goofy smile on her face as she watches. 

Watching Kazuha, Chaewon is too aware of herself. She has always felt that being small adds to her charm. Next to Kazuha, though, she feels childlike. She doesn’t have long legs or graceful arms, she has stocky limbs that are better for point choreography than ballet. And then there’s that stupid transition when Chaewon joins the performance with a little spin and an isolation move. It’s as if the choreographer is saying: Wow, look at our singing angel and our beautiful ballerina! Oh, and here’s Chaewon, she can do a cool dance move. 

Chaewon tries her best to clear her head and focus on the dancing. She’s always been confident, known for her stage presence and charisma. Why does she suddenly feel so inadequate? As the rehearsal continues, she feels herself growing more and more annoyed at Kazuha. She knows it isn’t fair, the girl is only doing the choreography she was given, but somehow every move Kazuha makes feels like she’s taunting Chaewon.

Chaewon knows it’s ridiculous. Kazuha is always the first to congratulate Chaewon on a good performance, always the first to tell Chaewon she looks pretty whether they’re all made up for a performance or flushed and sweaty in the dance studio. She has no reason to think Kazuha would be trying to get to her on purpose. Still, the more she thinks about it the more she’s sure it's not all in her head. Kazuha’s eyes keep flickering to look at her in the mirror. Whenever Chaewon sneaks a glance at Kazuha, the other girl’s eyes are already on her. Is it because she was late to practice, Chaewon wonders. Or maybe Kazuha has always stared at her like this, and Chaewon is usually just too engrossed in watching herself to notice. Whatever it is, it pokes at the annoyance in Chaewon’s chest until it grows into something ugly. 

It’s a torturously long day of practice, blasting the Fearless opera remix on loop and repeating over and over the same ballet moves that just don’t look right on Chaewon’s 5’4 body. It’s a torturously long day of Yunjin praising Kazuha every other second, Kazuha’s eyes on Chaewon in the mirror, and Eunchae being a ball of happiness which only worsens Chaewon’s sour mood. When they get back to the dorm it’s already past midnight and the other members are still full of giddy energy, talking about how people will react to the performance. Yunjin proposes that they go up to the roof of the building and look at the stars, but Chaewon excuses herself. 

“I’m still not feeling great,” She explains. Sakura gives her a strange look, but if she thinks anything of it she doesn’t say so. 

“Feel better,” Kazuha calls sweetly as Chaewon walks away. Yeah, right. 

Chaewon enjoys having the dorm to herself, even if just for twenty minutes. Although her body is exhausted, her mind is racing with the events of the day. Every slight brush of Yunjin’s skin against her own, every flicker of Kazuha’s dark eyes, every intricate detail of the choreography that Chaewon just cannot perfect. Chaewon’s thoughts are moving faster than she can keep up with. A knock sounds at the door.

“Who is it?”

“Yunjin,” A warm voice answers, “Are you too tired to talk?”

Right. Chaewon remembers what the younger girl had said the night before about talking things out the next day.

“You can come in,” Chaewon calls, “I can’t sleep anyway.” Yunjin enters and sits lightly on the bed beside where Chaewon is snuggled under her blanket, the same place she sat the night before. Chaewon smiles in spite of herself. Yunjin’s hair is tousled, probably from the wind on the roof of the building or maybe from being the fool she always is and putting on a show while she was up there. Yunjin sees Chaewon looking and attempts to smooth down the million flyaways that frame her face.

Chaewon gently pulls her friend’s hands down, “I like your hair like this. It looks more like you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Yunjin jokes. Chaewon grins, and she realizes it’s the first time she’s relaxed since she woke up that morning.

“What did you want to talk about?” She asks, trying to sound as calm as possible.

Yunjin is quiet for a moment, eyebrows furrowed. “I just want to know what’s going on with you,” She says, “You’ve been so distant lately. Then at practice today you looked so upset. I know you’re not feeling well, but are you sure there’s nothing else?”

Chaewon says nothing, looking into Yunjin’s eyes which are so soft and trusting that it ruins her plans to lie her way out of the conversation.

“Whatever it is,” Yunjin continues, “I promise you can trust me with it. Any of the members, you can trust us.”

“Maybe I’ve been acting differently lately,” Chaewon tries not to show her sudden annoyance, “But so have you. I never know where I stand with you anymore. It’s like…last night we were getting along so well, then today you just ignore me.”

“To be fair, you were shooting laser beams out of your eyes,” Yunjin attempts to crack the tension, then falters when Chaewon doesn’t smile. She takes Chaewon’s hand into her own, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ignore you. I was just-”

“It’s fine,” Chaewon says quickly. Because the last thing she needs is to listen as Yunjin struggles to explain why she was too busy making heart eyes at Kazuha to notice anyone else. They sit in silence for a while, Yunjin’s thumb absentmindedly rubbing the back of Chaewon’s hand. Chaewon can hear her heart thudding in her ears.

“Did you ever like anybody?” Yunjin asks softly.

Chaewon swallows, “I don’t know. I don’t know what it would feel like.”

“Did you ever feel like you can’t stop thinking about someone?” Yunjin tries again, “And you notice everything they do. Even when they blink, you notice it. Even when they breathe.”

Chaewon draws in a slow breath, deciding on her answer. “I haven’t.”

“If you liked someone,” Yunjin is staring into empty space with a look in her eyes that Chaewon has never seen before, “Would you tell them?”

 “I don’t know. I’d like to think I would.”

“What if you were scared?” Yunjin says barely above a whisper.

“Yunjinnie, you have nothing to be scared of,” Chaewon squeezes her friend’s hand, “Any guy would be stupid not to like you. You’re the coolest girl I know.”

Yunjin leans down to rest her head on Chaewon’s chest and Chaewon can feel her heartbeat pulsing.

Yunjin raises her head. “Chaewon,” She says, pressing a hand to the place where Chaewon’s heart is hammering. Fuck. Yunjin’s hand pressed to her chest with only the thin fabric of Chaewon’s pajamas separating skin from skin is only worsening the issue. Chaewon prays as devoutly as she can over the span of a second that Yunjin won’t ask.

She doesn’t. Instead, she cups Chaewon’s face, looking at her with an expression Chaewon can’t read.

“I love you, Pupu,” She says. Even if she could somehow figure out what to say, Chaewon doesn’t have time to answer because Yunjin is gone from the bed and walking out of the room. Before she knows it, Chaewon is alone again, with the strange feeling in her chest that her heart is soon going to shatter and all she’s doing is delaying the inevitable.

Chapter Text

Yunjin is right, Chaewon decides. She has been standoffish. As much as she wants to lock herself in her room all day and marinate in her emotions, she has to step up and be a leader. She knows that if the members aren’t getting along it will be all too obvious onstage, so she comes to practice the next day aiming for a new beginning. She tries to be extra smiley to make up for the bad mood of the day before, praising everyone’s performance and going over steps with the others even during breaks. It’s the most productive rehearsal they’ve had in weeks. All of the good energy dissipates, though, when Yunjin and Kazuha leave to pick up lunch together and Yunjin doesn’t come back.

Kazuha walks back into the dance studio with her eyes pointed to the floor, no loud blonde girl following after her. 

“Where’s Jennifer?” Eunchae asks, lacking the tact of the older members. Kazuha shrugs her shoulders, gaze still angled straight at the ground. Chaewon can tell something is wrong. Did they fight? She wonders. Did something happen? Did Yunjin get hurt? She feels her throat closing, like no matter how she tries to breathe she can’t get any air in.

“Did that dummy get lost again?” Sakura jokes, glancing nervously at Chaewon. Chaewon knows her laser eyes are on again but she doesn’t particularly care at that point because How do you lose a whole girl?

“She didn’t feel well,” Kazuha mumbles.

“Ah, there must be something going around,” The dance instructor nods towards Chaewon. Chaewon is sure there’s something more going on. If Yunjin really was just sick, she would have messaged the members apologizing and encouraged them to practice hard. But why would Kazuha lie about what happened? The thoughts racing through her head are making it impossible to focus on dancing. The feeling in her throat gets tighter and tighter until Chaewon excuses herself and rushes to the bathroom.

The HYBE basement bathrooms are not the place you want to have a panic attack in, but it’s not like Chaewon has much choice. She stands over a rusty sink and sucks in air as best she can. She can see herself in the bathroom mirror and it’s not a pretty sight. Flushed beet red, sweat beading on her skin and hair sticking to her face. The door to the bathroom opens and she straightens up quickly. The last thing she needs is some HYBE staffer catching her hyperventilating in the bathroom. It’s Sakura, though, who steps into the bathroom and crosses over to where Chaewon is standing in front of the sink. 

To Chaewon’s surprise, Sakura wraps her arms around Chaewon. “Yunjinnie is okay,” Sakura murmurs, “She would want you to be able to practice well and not worry so much about her.”

“How did you know?” Chaewon croaks, “Why I ran out, I mean.”

Sakura gives her a look, “You can’t hide your feelings from me, Chaewon. I’ve known you too long.”

Chaewon pulls away from Sakura and leans back against the sink, “I don’t understand why I feel so strange when she’s not here.” There’s that look from Sakura again, that look Chaewon has been getting more and more over the past few days. 

“This is something you have to figure out for yourself,” Sakura says gently, “For now, let’s focus on making it through practice.”

Chaewon nods. Sakura is right, Yunjin wouldn’t want her absence to derail things like this.

“And Chaewon,” Sakura adds, “Don’t take this all out on Zuha.”

Chaewon swallows, “What do you mean?

“She notices the way you look at her.”

“What way?”

“Don’t play dumb with me of all people,” Sakura’s voice now has an edge to it, “That girl desperately wants your approval and all you do is glare at her.” Chaewon doesn’t respond and Sakura reaches out a hand to rub her arm, “I know you’re worried and it’s sweet, but don’t take it out on Zuha. She didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I’m sorry,” Chaewon mutters, feeling a blush rising to her cheeks. Sakura is right. Chaewon has been a nightmare.

“It’s not me you need to apologize to,” Sakura sighs, “Let’s get back to practice and you can start with not burning a hole through her with your eyes.” 

Chaewon agrees and the two girls embrace one last time, returning to practice arm in arm.

It’s awkward practicing with one very important member missing, but it goes well enough and Chaewon manages to tamp down her anxiety until they return to the dorms that night. Eunchae seems to sense Chaewon’s tension as they return to their shared room. She is quiet, holding Chaewon’s hand as Chaewon fumbles with the keys. When they enter, Yunjin is sitting on the couch, some K-drama blaring on the TV. She rises when she hears them come in.

Chaewon takes in the sight of her friend. Yunjin’s eyes are rimmed with red. Her gaze, which is normally so warm and bright, is dulled over with exhaustion. She doesn’t smile when she sees Chaewon and Eunchae, only nods slightly and retreats into her room. Eunchae glances at Chaewon as if asking what to do. It’s not rare to see Yunjin cry, but usually she’s laughing at herself all the while, reassuring her members that she’s okay. Chaewon has never seen Yunjin cry like this, the skin under her eyes rubbed raw by hands and tissues. Chaewon approaches the closed bedroom door and knocks as softly as she can.

“Not right now,” Yunjin’s voice is thick. 

“Yunjinnie,” Chaewon tries not to sound desperate, “Can I please come in?”

“Fine,” Yunjin concedes. Chaewon opens the door and sees her friend curled up into a ball on her bed. Chaewon sits on the bed and wraps her arms around the Yunjin-ball, feeling the other girl tense up at her touch.

“Yunjinnie, I was so worried,” Chaewon confesses.

“I told Kazuha to tell you all that I was sick,” says Yunjin-ball.

Chaewon blinks, “Right.”

“I’m okay,” Yunjin says, unwrapping a bit from her ball to embrace Chaewon, “I’ll be okay. I just need to cry today and I’ll be back to myself tomorrow.” 

Everything about Yunjin is soft. Her skin, her hair, her eyes, her touch. It’s all soft and warm and Chaewon feels herself start to breathe easily again with Yunjin’s arms wrapped around her. She reaches up to stroke Yunjin’s hair, “Did something happen?”

Chaewon feels Yunjin tense up again. “Remember what I asked you about yesterday?” Yunjin whispers.

Chaewon’s heart sinks, “Something happened with the boy you like?” 

Yunjin gives her a strange look. The gears are turning in Chaewon’s head. Is she…?

“You like Kazuha?” Yunjin hides her face in her hands and Chaewon’s heart drops all the way down to the floor and splatters on the carpet.

“I’m sorry,” She can hear Yunjin’s sob despite the girl’s attempt to hide her face, “I’m sorry, I–I understand if you don’t feel comfortable around me now. I’m sorry.”

“No, no, no,” Chaewon reaches out to pull her friend closer, engulfing Yunjin in her arms although Chaewon is the smaller one, “I’m okay with it. I–I’m more than okay with it, I’m glad you told me. I don’t see you any differently.”

Yunjin just sobs into Chaewon’s shoulder. Chaewon hugs her friend as tight as she can. She’s not sure what to say. She’s never met anyone gay, at least not that she knows about. The only thing she knows is that she never wants to see Yunjin cry like this, and she’s willing to become the most fervent activist on the planet if it means seeing Huh Yunjin smile again.

“What happened?” Chaewon asks gently, “She rejected you?”

“No,” Yunjin sniffs loudly, pulling back from the hug to wipe her eyes, “I didn’t even have time to tell her. As soon as we got out of the studio she started going on and on and on about the person she likes and I…I knew I didn’t have a chance, so why even try?”

“Yunjinnie,” Chaewon wipes her friend’s tears with her fingertips, “I’m so sorry. If she liked girls I bet she’d be head over heels for you. Anyone would be.”

Yunjin leans her head back as if to reabsorb the tears into her eyes, “She does like a girl, just not me.”

Chaewon knows the answer to her question before she even asks it. Kazuha’s eyes tracking her in the mirror, her sweet words after every performance, her answer in the game two nights before. She remembers Sakura’s words earlier that day, ‘That girl’s desperate for your approval and all you do is glare at her.’ 

“Who?” Chaewon whispers, afraid that once it’s said out loud the damage will be irreversible.

“You.”

Chapter Text

The next day, it’s finally time for SBS Gayo Daejeon. Chaewon knows she should be more excited. They’ve been practicing all week and their stage is unlike anything they’ve shown fans before. As they arrive and pose for the cameras, Chaewon does her best to pretend that everything is normal, even if their outfits kind of look like Kazuha, Sakura, and Eunchae are going to a red carpet event while Yunjin and Chaewon are going to a renaissance fair. She stands in her spot between Yunjin and Kazuha and does her best not to think. Does her best to ignore the adorable smile Yunjin puts on for the cameras and ignore the way it makes her stomach twist. 

Once they’re backstage, though, the tension of the past few days rises to the surface. Kazuha doesn’t speak a word, just sits alone in a corner looking up at everything with wide eyes. Sakura is so tense Chaewon can see a vein popping out of her neck. Chaewon wants nothing more than to run far away from Seoul, dig a hole, and start a new life underground.  Eunchae, bewildered by the change in the other members, has retreated to her safe space on Yunjin’s lap. Chaewon surprises even herself with the irritation that pokes in her chest at the sight of Yunjin babying Eunchae. Is she really getting jealous of the maknae? Lately, though, Chawon has been jealous of the hats that sit on Yunjin’s head and the gloves she pulls onto her hands. She just wants her best friend back, that’s all. She just doesn’t understand how Yunjin can give a smile like that to the cameras but can’t even look at Chaewon.

Their stage is a great success. Although Chaewon feels a little awkward taking out her hair extensions on the side of the stage, the crowd seems to love what they have prepared. For once, Chaewon forgets all about Kazuha’s shy gaze and Sakura’s clenched hands. She forgets the guilt that burns in her stomach when she sees the lost look in Eunchae’s eyes. She even forgets about the bright eyes of the blonde girl dancing beside her. She lets everything go and enjoys the performance, remembering again why she chose this career path. Then, all too soon, they’re backstage again and Yunjin is fawning over Kazuha and Chaewon wants to scream. Isn't she the one that made you cry last night? Aren’t I the one that comforted you? But she keeps quiet. 

They go back onstage for The Boys and Yunjin wears a button up shirt and glasses and for a moment Chaewon wonders if the whole week has just been purgatory and now she’s finally in heaven. Then they’re backstage again and it’s silent and Eunchae is hiding in Sakura’s shoulder and everything is tense and awkward and horrible and no, she’s unfortunately still alive.

The car ride back is torturous, Chaewon chewing on her bottom lip until it bleeds and she should be worried about how it’s going to look the next day but she can’t find it in herself to care.They take the elevator up in heavy silence and Sakura almost makes to the door of her dorm before she spins around to face the rest of the members, eyes looking straight into Chaewon’s.

“I can’t take this anymore,” Sakura says in a voice Chaewon has never heard come out of her before.

Eunchae looks from Sakura to Chaewon and back with wide eyes.

Sakura’s face softens for a moment. “Go to bed, Eunchae,” She says quietly, “I don’t want you to have to get involved in this.” The youngest girl obeys without protest. Once Eunchae is out of earshot, Sakura’s voice regains the bite it had before.

“Everyone in here. Now.” She gestures towards the dorm she shares with Kazuha. Chaewon hangs her head. Although she is the leader, Sakura will always be the oldest. They walk into the dorm in silence and stand awkwardly in the main area.

Kazuha speaks first, “What’s going on?” Chaewon realizes that Kazuha has no idea about the conversation she and Yunjin had the night before. The poor girl must be just as confused as Eunchae.
“Do you know the game seven minutes in heaven?” Sakura asks.

Yunjin nods, “It’s an American game. You lock two people in a closet for seven minutes and they make out and stuff. I played it in middle school.”

Chaewon blinks. Sakura can’t be serious.
“We’re not playing that version,” Sakura says quickly, and Chaewon breathes a sigh of relief. “We’re playing a version I invented myself: seven minutes in hell. It’s where you all take turns going into that closet and you’re have seven minutes to fucking talk about your feelings so Eunchae and I don’t have to be tortured like this anymore.” She points towards the door of the coat closet. Chaewon swallows.

“You. You.” Sakura points to Kazuha and Yunjin respectively, “You two are first. Get in there and talk.” She opens the door to the coat closet and waves them in. It’s big enough that they can fit comfortably inside but small enough that they’ll be forced to sit right up against each other. This won’t exactly help Yunjin get over her crush , Chaewon thinks bitterly, but she bites her tongue.

 “Be honest!” Sakura calls before unceremoniously closing the closet door. Sakura and Chaewon sit on the couch and Chaewon strains her ears to try to hear what the other girls are saying.

“Don’t eavesdrop,” Sakura snaps.

Chaewon stares at the floor, blushing. Is she really that obvious? Sakura seems to take pity on her and moves closer to her, placing a gentle hand on Chaewon’s shoulder.

“Chaewon,” She exhales slowly before continuing, “I can see how badly you’re hurting. If I thought it would help you, I’d say fuck it. I’d say let your emotions burn everything down. This is more important than Le Sserafim. This is your life, and Yunjin’s, and Zuha’s. But I know you. I know what kind of leader you are and I know that if you let your feelings get in the way of the group you’ll never forgive yourself.”

“What do you mean, my ‘feelings’?” Chaewon is angry and she’s not quite sure why. Everyone seems to understand what’s going on except her, “I’m doing my best to keep everything going smoothly. Yunjin and Kazuha are the ones letting their feelings get in the way.”

“Chaewon,” Sakura lets out a frustrated sigh, “This won’t work if you aren’t honest.”

“I am being honest,” Chaewon insists.

“Chaewon,” Sakura repeats, as if she’s going to make Chaewon any less confused by saying her name over and over, “You don’t know how many nights I’ve had to hold Zuha while she cries her eyes out over you.”

“How is that my fault?” Chaewon argues, “I can’t make myself return her feelings.”

“But haven’t you ever asked yourself why you don’t show her any kindness at all?” Sakura’s voice is regaining the heat it held earlier, her hand retracted from Chaewon’s shoulder.

“I do show her kindness, I-”

“Did you tell her once today that she did well?” Sakura looks Chaewon in the eyes and Chaewon feels heat rising to her cheeks again.

“Yunjin said it for me,” She answers bitterly, “More than enough times.”

“Do you hear yourself?” Sakura’s gaze is cold as ice, “Is this what a leader is? Is this what you learned from Eunbi?”

Chaewon feels tears welling and hides her face in her hands, shame suddenly engulfing her. She doesn’t want to look at Sakura, but she feels the other girl’s arms wrap around her as she shudders with tears.

“I’m sorry,” Sakura says, “I went too far. I’m sorry.”

Chaewon shakes her head, sniffing, “No, you’re right. I- I don’t understand why I’m acting like this.”

Sakura squeezes her tighter. “It’s not too late to fix things,” She whispers, “Just go in there and be honest. That’s all I’m asking you to do.” As if on cue, the alarm Sakura has set on her phone goes off. She unlocks the closet door to reveal a blushing Yunjin and a confused-looking Kazuha. Chaewon feels the familiar twinge in her chest and wills it away.

“Did you have a good talk?” Sakura asks in the voice you would use to ask a child what they learned at school. The two girls nod shyly. Chaewon wishes she had eavesdropped a little harder.

Sakura smiles, “Good. Chaewon and Kazuha, you’re next.” 

They awkwardly squeeze into the closet and sit down together with their knees touching. The first thing Chaewon notices is how hot Kazuha is. Not that she’s good looking, although there’s no denying that she is, but that her body heat is burning Chaewon’s skin through their clothes. Is she sick? Chaewon wonders, or is she just that nervous? Her heart softens. She resolves to be kind, to show that she can be a leader like Eunbi was. But Kazuha seems to have her own plans.

“I need to tell you something,” The younger girl says.

“Zuha, you don’t-”

“No, please,” Kazuha interrupts, “I want to say it.” Chaewon blinks. Kazuha is usually so soft-spoken, so respectful. She doesn’t think she’s ever even heard Kazuha say no to her before. Chaewon nods as if to say, go ahead .

“Chaewon,” Kazuha looks directly into Chaewon’s eyes and Chaewon feels herself blushing. Where is the shy, awkward Zuha she knows? 

“I really like you,” Kazuha says, “Like, the way that you would like a boy. I like you in that way.” Chaewon can’t help but smile. Kazuha’s Korean still isn’t perfect, but that somehow only makes the confession more charming.

“I had never met someone like you before I came to Korea,” Kazuha’s eyes never leave Chaewon’s although she’s blushing, “You make me feel like a young girl again. Like, nervous and flustered and dizzy. I’ll always regret it if I don’t make it clear to you how I feel.”

Tears have started to gather on Chaewon’s eyelashes and she does her best to blink them back, ashamed to let Kazuha see her cry.

“Zuha,” She says, doing her best to steady her voice, “I’m sorry. I haven’t been the leader to you that I should have been. I’ve been awful. I’m sorry.”

“You know I forgive you,” Kazuha says softly, “How can I not?”

“But Zuha,” Chaewon meets Kazuha’s steady eyes with her own tearful ones, “I can’t accept your feelings. I’m sorry, I-”

“Don’t be sorry, I didn’t expect you to,” Kazuha shakes her head. “I see the way you look at her,” she adds quietly, looking up at Chaewon through her eyelashes.

Chaewon blinks, “What?”

“I mean,” Kazuha looks away from Chaewon into her own lap, “You’re not very good at hiding it.”

“Hiding what?” Chaewon is trying so hard not to get angry again but she doesn’t understand why no one will tell her what they all seem to already know, “What are you talking about?”

“Chaewon,” Kazuha’s voice is firm despite her shyness, “Anyone can see how much you like Yunjin. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s just a friendship, but the more I look at you right now the more I’m sure it’s something more.”

“Yunjin?” Chaewon repeats. It feels shameful. Like all of the things she’s kept hidden away, buried in the darkest parts of herself, are laid out and exposed for everyone to see.

Kazuha gives a wry smile, “Isn’t she the reason you don’t talk to me anymore?.”

Chaewon is taken aback. Kazuha has picked up more than she had realized. Still, she’s misunderstanding everything.

“No, I, I’m not-” Chaewon sputters, “I’m not like that. A lesbian, I mean. You’re right, I was– I was jealous and I felt like you were taking my best friend away from me. But nothing more than that. I– I don’t see her that way.”

Kazuha tilts her head to the side, studying the older girl, “It isn’t wrong, Chaewon. To feel that way for a girl.”

Chaewon groans with frustration, raising her voice in spite of herself, “I know, I’m not fucking homophobic. Why do you all think you know how I feel better than I do?” 

The door swings open, bathing the girls in sudden bright light. Chaewon grimaces.

“Seven minutes,” Sakura announces, “Chaewon and Yunjin next.” Chaewon stands up, catching Yunjin’s eye from where the other girl sits on the couch. She feels naked, like one look at her will expose everything that she has desperately tried to keep private and secret. She has nothing to cover herself with, nothing she can use to hide her shame from Yunjin’s dark eyes. She turns and walks out the door, fleeing to her own dorm and locking the door of her bedroom, ignoring Yunjin’s calls that follow her out.

Chapter Text

Chaewon can hear soft voices and footsteps outside her bedroom door. She lays buried under the covers, afraid that if she moves the other girls will realize she isn’t asleep and start knocking again. Soon enough, Kazuha’s voice disappears, and then Sakura’s, and then it’s silent. Chaewon assumes everyone has gone to bed. When Yunjin suddenly speaks, she jumps a little.

“Chaewon,” Yunjin calls through the door, “Can I please talk to you?”

Chaewon is silent, hoping the other girl will give up.

“Whatever I did, I promise it wasn’t on purpose,” Yunjin’s voice is getting desperate, “ I would never want to hurt you.”

Hearing Yunjin like this makes Chaewon’s heart hurt. But what can she do? What is she supposed to say? You didn’t do anything, it’s just that Kazuha and Sakura seem to think I’m in love with you and I’m so fucking scared that they’re right.

“Chaewon,” Yunjin murmurs, voice growing softer as if she’s falling asleep, “Let’s just forget about all of this. Let’s get on a plane and go to New York. Or let’s go to space. Let’s steal a spaceship and go to the moon together.”

“Let’s dig a hole and live underground,” Chaewon says in a small voice.

“Pupu? You’re awake?” Yunjin’s voice has lost all of its sleepiness, “ Let’s go on a walk together. Seriously, let’s go right now.”

Chaewon sits up slightly at the proposition. They’re not usually allowed to go out without checking with their manager, paparazzi and stuff, but it’s not like anyone is going to see them at this hour. It’s past midnight and the sun has yet to rise. Chaewon gets out of bed and unlocks her bedroom door, slowly pulling it open. There’s Yunjin. There’s Yunjin with her dark eyes that see straight through the facade of calm Chaewon is putting on.

“Are you okay?” Yunjin asks.

Chaewon throws her arms around the other girl’s neck, straining slightly onto her tiptoes to reach. Yunjin’s arms wrap around her waist and lift her up momentarily and Chaewon feels warmth spread across her body.

“What’s wrong, Pupu?” Yunjin asks softly.

“Stop calling me Pupu,” Chaewon ignores the question.

“Never,” Yunjin gives her a tight squeeze before setting her down. Chaewon immediately grabs Yunjin’s hand to make up for the lost contact. Yunjin gives her a weird look but she doesn’t question it, taking her hand away only to put on a jacket before lacing her fingers back into Chaewon’s.

They take the elevator down together and walk for a while in silence. Their apartment is far from the nightlife districts of Seoul, and Chaewon feels for a moment like she and Yunjin could be the only people in the world as they walk down empty streets, past darkened windows and grated storefronts. Yunjin is wearing a puffer jacket over a sweatshirt over a shirt and she still looks cold. Her cheeks are flushed and her lips are parted slightly as she breathes the freezing air in and out, breath clouding with every exhale. The wind has blown her hair out of place and wisps of blonde fly around her face as she runs her fingers through it. 

“What?” Says Yunjin.

Chaewon snaps her eyes towards the ground. She hopes she hasn’t been staring for too long. 

“Where are we walking to?” She attempts to change the subject. Yunjin points ahead of them and Chaewon turns to look.

Chaewon had been so busy staring she hadn’t noticed that they were approaching their destination. It’s a small park, just a few benches centered around a fountain that has been turned off for the winter season. Skeletal trees encircle the clearing. Chaewon suppresses a smile. Yunjin is the only person she knows who would enjoy a park like this.

“Oh, I guess they turned the fountain off,” Yunjin looks disappointed.

“It’s okay,” Chaewon smiles at the other girl, “This way we get a better view of everything without that annoying water blocking the way.”

Yunjin smiles back at her and they sit next to each other on a bench. It’s awkward without the sound of their footsteps filling the silence. Chaewon stares at the empty space where the water jets would normally be spraying up, but she can feel Yunjin’s eyes on her. It's unbearable, sitting next to her best friend in silence like this.

“Yunjin,” She finally says, turning to face the other girl.

“Chaewon,” Says Yunjin.

“How did you…” The words get stuck in her throat and it's all she can do to force them out, “How did you know that you liked girls?”

“I always did my best to deny it,” Yunjin admits, “I would try to explain my feelings away and tell myself it's normal to admire other girls. When I started to fall in love with a girl, I couldn’t explain it anymore. It’s impossible to ignore something so strong.”

“How did you know?” Chaewon asks, “Did you love Zuha as soon as you saw her?”

“Oh, I mean,” Yunjin’s voice grows quieter, stumbling over her words, “I– Zuha wasn’t the first girl I’ve liked. I mean, I’ve known for a while now.”
“Oh,” Says Chaewon, “How long?”

“Four or five years,” Yunjin murmurs.

Chaewon’s breath catches in her throat. She turns towards Yunjin, summoning the courage to return her gaze, “Produce48?”

Yunjin nods.

Who? The question burns on Chaewon’s tongue, but something in Yunjin’s eyes stops her. There’s something darkening her eyes, something that makes Chaewon afraid to ask but all the more desperate to know.

“What does it feel like?” Chaewon asks instead, “Liking a girl like that.”

“It felt like dying,” Yunjin says simply. The past tense of felt looming over them like a shadow and it's obvious she isn’t talking about Kazuha.
“It felt like I couldn’t breathe,” Yunjin continues , “I couldn’t breathe when I was away from her and I couldn’t breathe when I was with her. I would have done anything to please her. I would have buried myself alive if it would make her smile. I wasn’t myself at all.”

“How did you find yourself again?” Chaewon asks as gently as she can, afraid that speaking too loudly will break the trance the other girl seems to have entered.

“I don’t think it’s possible,” says Yunjin, “I don’t think anyone can be the same person after loving someone like that. I don’t think you can ever get over it.”

“You still love her?” Chaewon asks, although Yunjin’s face betrays the answer, “Even after all these years apart from her?”

Yunjin doesn’t answer. She doesn’t have to, really. She gathers her legs to her chest, her puffer jacket making her look like a cute, shivering marshmallow. It’s all too clear to Chaewon. Whoever this girl is, she’s got her claws sunk so deeply into Yunjin that wrenching them out would only spill blood. Chaewon never stood a chance. Even Zuha never did, not with this look in Yunjin’s eyes. Everything Chaewon wanted to tell her dies on her lips. There's no point in any of it now.

“Why did you run away from me?” Yunjin asks, “During the game?”

Chaewon reaches out to cup the other girl’s cheek. Moments ago, the touch would have sent pinpricks through Chaewon’s hand and butterflies would have filled her stomach. Now, all she feels is a dull ache in her chest that pulses when Yunjin’s eyes meet hers.

“I wasn’t running away from you,” She gently moves her thumb on Yunjin’s cheek, “I was just overwhelmed and I needed time to process everything I talked about with Kazuha. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Yunjin leans into her touch and it's all Chaewon can do not to kiss her. To push her away. To do anything to get that horrible, heartsick look off her face.

“So everything is good between us?” Yunjin asks. 

“Of course,” Chaewon takes her hand away to wrap her arms around the younger girl. Yunjin nuzzles into her and they sit like that for a while before Yunjin speaks again.

“Tomorrow is Christmas,” She says.

“Today is Christmas,” Chaewon corrects her.

“I guess it is,” Yunjin smiles, “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas.”

Chapter Text

Chaewon didn’t imagine herself waking up on Christmas with a Yunjin-sized hole in her heart, but these things are often hard to anticipate. Chaewon and Eunchae are allowed to return home for the day to see their parents as long as they’re back in the dorms by nighttime. Chaewon can’t complain. She feels worse for Sakura and Kazuha who are stuck in Korea and can’t see their families at all. Yunjin’s parents are in America, so she visits her grandparents for the day.

Chaewon does her best to focus on her family. It's rare that she gets a chance to see them and she enjoys the familiar fuss her mother makes over her. Homemade food, gifts, no dance practice. Normally this is the best day of Chaewon’s year. This year, she focuses on plastering a smile onto her face and disappearing to the bathroom whenever she feels it slipping. 

Her mother, of course, sees right through her. When Chaewon starts to bid goodbye to everyone and gather her things to return to the dorm, her mother pulls her aside.

“Is something wrong?” She asks.

“No,” Chaewon lies automatically, then blanches under her mother’s questioning stare, “I'm sorry. I’ve just been feeling strange lately.”

“Chaewon, listen to me,” Her mother says seriously, “If there’s something going on that they’ve told you you can’t tell me or that they’ve told you you must keep secret, you need to tell me now.”

It’s only natural for her mother to worry like this. She is an actress herself and knows what the industry is like. Chaewon can’t even imagine the unspeakable things her mother worries about.

“No, mom, nothing like that,” Chaewon assures her mother, “It’s nothing to do with work. It’s just that I’ve been struggling with some personal things.”

Her mother’s face changes, “Ah, heartbreak.”

Chaewon chews her bottom lip, “Sort of.”

“Sort of?” Chaewon’s mom gives her a look, “Honey, you look like the sky has come crashing down on you.”

Chaewon cracks a smile, “I thought I was hiding it well.”

“Not from your mother,” She takes Chaewon’s hands into her own. “You can tell me, I’ve been through the same thing. I was young once, too, you know.”

“Yes, but,” Chaewon can feel her palms getting clammy, “It’s not what you think it is.”

“And why is that?” Her mother asks. Chaewon seals her lips tightly together. She doesn’t trust herself to think up a lie. Even if she tried, her mother would never believe her.

“There are no secrets in this family, Kim Chaewon.”

Chaewon exhales long and slow, hoping that while she’s breathing an asteroid will hit the Earth and save her from this conversation, “I think I’m in love with a woman.”

The warmth disappears from her mother’s eyes. She lets go of both of Chaewon’s hands, “Don’t say anything more.”

“Mom-”

“Don’t.”

“Mom, I can’t do anything about it,” Chaewon protests, “I didn’t choose for this to happen. I wish more than anything that I wasn’t, but I am.”

“Kim Chaewon,” Her mother says coldly, “Don’t say another word about this. To anyone. You’re putting your own career and mine in danger. Your disorder is your own to confront, but our family’s reputation will be ruined if you speak about it like this. Do you understand?”

Chaewon nods. Silently, she gathers her things and walks out of the house. Her mother doesn’t say goodbye.

As much as it hurts Chaewon, her mother is right. Even Yunjin’s tweet for pride month had been controversial and she had only been expressing her love for fans of all sexualities. Chaewon could never handle the comments, the fetishization, the fire and brimstone preaching. No one can know. Not as long as she wants to have a career.

On the car ride back, Chaewon pulls out her phone to check what she’s missed. She’s expecting messages from Sakura and Kazuha, who must be bored in the dorm, but instead she sees a stack of notifications from Yunjin. Opening them, she can’t help the smile that ghosts on her lips. Yunjin is so excited about the fried chicken voucher that Chaewon got her that you’d think Chaewon raised the chicken from an egg herself. The messages are all from hours ago and Chaewon reasons that Yunjin must be with her grandparents right now. Still, her heart longs to hear Yunjin’s voice. To let Yunjin’s warmth shut out the terrible cold that’s engulfed her. Ashamed of her own selfishness, she dials Yunjin’s number. 

Yunjin picks up after the second ring.

“Is everything okay?” She asks. At the sound of Yunjin’s voice, suddenly all of the tears she’s been holding in since walking away from her mother come spilling out. She knows there must be horrible sniffing sounds coming through Yunjin’s phone, but she’s too miserable to be embarrassed.

“Oh my god, are you alright?” Yunjin’s voice is breathy through the phone, “What happened?"

“It’s nothing,” Chaewon squeaks, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called. I just wanted to hear your voice, but I’m okay now.”

“You don’t sound okay,” Yunjin says gently.

“Really, I’m fine,” Chaewon insists, but the snotty noises give her away.

“Are you still at your parents’ house?” Yunjin asks.

“No, I’m heading back to the dorms.”

“I’m on my way.”

“No, Yun-'' The call disconnects before Chaewon can finish her sentence. Great. Not only has she ruined her own Christmas, she’s ruined Yunjin’s. Still, she’d be lying if she didn’t admit that her whole body aches to see the younger girl again. When the car pulls up to the building there’s another, identical car out front with a familiar blonde head coming out. Chaewon thanks the driver quickly and rushes out to meet her, letting strong arms wrap around her and burying herself in Yunjin.

“What happened?” One of Yunjin’s hands presses Chaewon’s head to her chest while the other wraps protectively around the older girl, “Oh my God, what happened?”

“I need to talk to you,” Chaewon tugs Yunjin's hand, leading her into the building. Chaewon knows she must look ridiculous clinging onto Yunjin like a lost child, but she doesn’t care. She needs the other girl’s warmth, needs Yunjin’s strength to anchor her because it feels like her whole world has been turned on its side. They go up to the dorm and into Yunjin’s bedroom. Yunjin sits on the bed, gently manhandling Chaewon into her lap, and Chaewon leans against the younger girl.

“I’m sorry,” Chaewon says into Yunjin’s shoulder, “I’m so sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because, I took you away from your family and I-”

“Chaewon,” Yunjin cuts her off, “You’re my family, too. I would never let you cry alone.”

“I–I don’t even know why I was crying, it's not a big deal,” Chaewon carefully considers her next words, “It’s just that I tried to tell my mom something and she…didn’t react well.” She peeks up at Yunjin to gauge her reaction and the blonde girl is looking at her expectantly, waiting for her to continue.

“We got in a fight and I walked out,” Chaewon continues, the words spilling out faster now, “And the worst part is, now I don’t know if I can ever go back there. I don’t even know if she would want to see me again.”

“Of course she would,” Yunjin says immediately, “She’s your mom. Nothing will make her love you less, even if she gets angry.”

Chaewon shakes her head, “I don’t know.”

Yunjin gives her a gentle squeeze, “I know it hurts right now, but it’s normal for family to argue. I promise it’ll pass.”

“It’s not just an argument,” Chaewon says bitterly, “She thinks my career is in danger.” 

Yunjin frowns, “It’s not because of me, is it?”

“What?” Chaewon raises her head from where she’s been resting on Yunjin’s shoulder, “Of course not. Why would it be?”

“I mean, is it because she doesn’t want you to be in a group with,” Yunjin swallows, “With someone gay.”

“It’s not because of you,” Chaewon feels her face burning as she says it aloud for the second time, “It’s because of me. I’m…I like girls, too.”

Understanding dawns on Yunjin’s face “And your mom….she’s not okay with it?”

Chaewon shakes her head. Yunjin’s hand cups her face again, pulling her tighter into their embrace. Chaewon closes her eyes, pretending for a moment that the whole world is just Yunjin and her softness, trying her best to forget about her mother and her house in the rearview mirror as they drove away.

“I’m sorry,” Yunjin says, “I’m so sorry.”

“She said that I shouldn’t say another word about it,” Chaewon sniffs, “She said that my disorder is my own business but every time I talk about it I put our family in danger. But here I am talking about it. I can’t even follow my own mother’s advice.”

“Chaewon,” Yunjin places gentle fingers under Chaewon’s chin and tilts her head up until their eyes meet. The air between them is suffocatingly hot and it’s all Chaewon can do not to look away. “It’s never, ever a bad thing to love someone,” Yunjin says, “Some people have too much hate in their hearts to realize that. Never let them stop you from loving, okay?”

Chaewon nods.

“ “Promise me you won’t ever stop talking about it.” Yunjin says, “Promise me that you’ll shout it from the rooftops, when you’re ready.”

“Promise,” Chaewon mumbles, struggling to get the words out because Yunjin is so close to her and both girls have yet to look away, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I only just figured it out myself.”

“What made you realize?” Yunjin asks.

“It’s like you said,” Chaewon breaks eye contact, directing the next sentence towards the ground, “I started falling for a girl and I couldn’t ignore it anymore.” She holds her breath, not daring to look at Yunjin’s reaction.

“Was that why you were so flustered after talking to Kazuha?”

Chaewon nods, feeling herself growing redder every second. She knows. Oh my god, she knows.

“You were upset because you realized you like her back.”

Chaewon blinks. What?

“Oh my God, how did I not see this earlier?” Yunjin squeals, “You two are so cute together.”

“No, I-” Chaewon sputters, “I don’t want to go out with her.”

“Chaewon, it’s okay,” Yunjin says, “Don’t worry about me, I only had a little crush on her. I think you should go for it.”

“I-I don’t want to be anything more than friends with her,” Chaewon struggles for the right words, “I think we should all just be friends. These feelings make everything too complicated.”

Yunjin frowns, “I guess you’re right.”

“But?” Chaewon prods.

“But I think you should tell Zuha, at least. It would make her really happy to hear, you know?”

Chaewon swallows. Kazuha who sees right through her, who knows all too well who her real feelings are for. Yunjin who sees nothing. Clueless Yunjin with her sweet smile, doing a terrible job at hiding her sadness because of course no one wants their best friend to go out with their crush. I don’t like Zuha. I like you. I really, really like you and I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable for me to tell you this while you’re holding me on your lap encouraging me to go out with someone else.

“Yun-”

“Chae-”

 “Sorry, you go first.”

“I was just going to say that we should go visit the other dorm,” Yunjin grins, “We should spend the end of Christmas all together. Plus, maybe you can talk to a certain someone while we’re there.”

Clueless Yunjin with her bright eyes and her teasing and there’s nothing Chaewon wants less than to be evicted from her spot on Yunjin’s lap. She wants to take up permanent residence there, to stay pressed up against each other until they get stuck that way and in a few centuries they dig up two skeletons with bones all tangled together. She wants what Yunjin can never give her, not with the way her face lights up at the idea of going to see Kazuha. Not with last night’s conversation still echoing in Chaewon’s ears.

“I’d like that,” Chaewon lies, and gets up to go.

Chapter Text

Chaewon manages to survive the next couple of days through willpower alone. She survives the Christmas party in the other dorm where Yunjin moves around on the couch until Chaewon and Kazuha are next to each other. She survives Yunjin’s pictures in Cosmopolitan. She survives Yunjin’s Weverse post with caption “So sweet, my ChaeChaeJjang '' and only rereads it twice. Or maybe three times. Or ten. She even manages to write her own post, after a few hours of editing (Is it weird to say “I'm touched” about a portable charger?) If anything is going to be the death of her, though, it’s Yunjin’s attempts at being a wingwoman. 

Yunjin seems to have learned everything she knows about relationships from watching those animes she loves so much. Her attempts at matchmaking are awkward, to say the least. All day at practice, wherever Chaewon is, Kazuha ends up there too, both girls looking lost and confused as if they’re not sure how they got there in the first place. Wherever Chaewon and Kazuha are, Sakura, Eunchae, and Yunjin are nowhere to be found. Lunch break comes and the three other girls disappear in the blink of an eye, leaving Kazuha and Chaewon awkward and confused in the HYBE basement.

“Why are they acting so weird?” Kazuha asks.

“Yunjin’s making trouble,” Chaewon sighs, “She’s something else, isn’t she?”

“It’s sweet seeing you guys all in love with each other,” Kazuha says shyly.

Chaewon’s head snaps up to look at her,  “What are you talking about?”

“I mean for the past few days you’ve been all…” Kazuha lets out a long sigh and smiles dreamily.

“What?” Chaewon crosses her arms, “I have not!”

“You totally have,” Kazuha teases, “And you’ve been laughing at her jokes. Even when they’re not funny.”

“She’s been funnier lately,” Chaewon protests.

Kazuha smiles, “You really like her, don’t you?”

“It doesn’t matter if I do,” Chaewon says, “She doesn’t feel the same.”

“You know, she’s mentioned that chicken voucher you got her like ten times this morning,” Kazuha says.

“She just likes chicken.”

“Or maybe she likes the girl who gave her the chicken,” Kazuha wiggles her eyebrows.

Chaewon shakes her head, “She likes you. If I get my hopes up it’ll only hurt more in the long run.”

“Maybe you should talk to Kkura about it,” Zuha suggests, “She’s been helping me a lot with getting over you and stuff. She knows a lot about these things.”

Chaewon doesn’t have time to process this new information before they’re interrupted by a familiar voice.

“We’re ba-ack.”

Chaewon’s chest tightens up at the sound. 

“Oh, I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Yunjin says, poking her head into the room with a smile that suggests she sincerely hopes she’s interrupting something.

“You’re not,” Kazuha assures her.

“We’ve had a good talk, so you can stop disappearing now,” Chaewon half-jokes.

Tell her how you feel , Kazuha mouths when Yunjin’s back is turned. And Chaewon tries. She really does try. But when Jennifer Huh is looking at you, it’s not so easy to say things like that. 

When she and Yunjin meet in the bathroom by coincidence, Chaewon’s mind starts racing. Should I really do it in the bathroom? She wonders. Then again, there’s not many other places where they get privacy. 

“Yunjin,” she calls as the younger girl moves to leave, “Wait.”

“Hm?” Yunjin turns back to her.

“I wanted to say that, um, you look really good today,” Chaewon finishes lamely.

A wide smile spreads across Yunjin’s face, “Thank you! I practiced hard.”

Chaewon holds in a scream because there’s no way Yunjin actually thinks she meant dancing, right? Still, she pushes forward. As they make their way back to the dorms at the end of the day and Yunjin’s eyes keep closing and then fluttering open again, Chaewon puts an arm around the younger girl and lets Yunjin’s head rest on her shoulder.

“I’m awake,” Yunjin mumbles.

“You’re cute,” Chaewon replies.

“Cute?” Yunjin is suddenly wide awake as she makes the most painful attempt at aegyo that Chaewon has ever seen. Why is she making this so impossible?

After they’ve made it to the dorms and Chaewon has changed into pajamas, she finally gives in and decides to take Kazuha’s advice, trudging over to Sakura’s room. Sakura is in her pajamas as well, sitting at her desk writing in a diary. She smiles when Chaewon appears in the doorway.

“Zuha told me you needed my help.”

Chaewon enters the room and sits on the bed, too familiar with Sakura by now to be self conscious.

“You wanted my advice?” Sakura prompts.

“Um, yeah, I do,” Chaewon looks at her hands, unsure how to tell the older girl about everything she’s been feeling.

Sakura looks delighted, “Kim Chaewon is shy?”

“I’m not shy,” Chaewon protests, “I just don’t know where to start.”

“So you like Yunjinnie, let’s start with that.”

Chaewon blushes, ‘“Is it that obvious?”

Sakura smiles, “I knew since that night you were ‘sick’.” Sakura says the last word as if it was some ploy by Chaewon to win Yunjin’s affection and Chaewon’s mouth falls open in offense.

“I really was sick!” She insists.

“Lovesick, maybe,” Says Sakura.

“That’s not fair,” Chaewon protests, “I was sick. And I didn’t even like her then.”

Sakura gives her a look, “If anyone else tried to carry you to bed you’d bite their head off.”

Chaewon can feel herself growing hotter at both the embarrassment and the memory of it, which only widens Sakura’s smile.

“Kim Chaewon is blushing?” Sakura teases.

Chaewon pouts, “Aren’t you supposed to be helping me here?”

“What do you need my help with?”

“I just don’t know how to tell her,” Chaewon admits, “I don’t even know if I should.”

“What makes you think you shouldn’t?”

“What if I mess up our friendship?” Chaewon says, “What if she gets creeped out and doesn’t want to talk to me anymore?”

“Does that sound like Yunjin to you?” Sakura asks gently.

Chaewon shakes her head, “You’re right. She would be sweet about it, I know she would be. I’m just scared to change things between us.”

They sit in silence for a moment before Sakura responds, “For what it’s worth, I think her feelings for you are complicated. But she adores you, that much is obvious. You’re the whole world to her.”

Chaewon shakes her head, “She’s just a caring person.”

“She is,” Sakura agrees, “But she hasn’t been going on any 2 AM walks with me or carrying me around.”

“Maybe if you faked sick,” Chaewon jokes. Sakura laughs and moves to the bed, engulfing Chaewon in a hug.

“You’re so sweet,” She says, “I’ve never seen you so soft.”

“I’m not soft,” Chaewon smiles in spite of herself.

“You are going to tell her, right?”

“Maybe,” Chaewon says.

Sakura groans and flops back onto the bed, “I give up, you’re hopeless.”

“I’ll try,” Chaewon promises, “It’s just that whenever I see her, suddenly the words stop coming out the way I want them to.”

“God, you’re gay,” Says Sakura.

“Oh, I was going to ask you,” Chaewon suddenly remembers, “Are you and Zuha a thing now?”

“Me and Zuha?” It’s Sakura’s turn to go red, “No.”

“She was talking about you earlier today,” Chaewon says casually.

“She was?!” Sakura blinks, “I mean, was she? I don’t really care.”

“Right,” Chaewon smirks.

“She’s five years younger than me,” Says Sakura.

“So? You’re both adults.”

Sakura shakes her head, “Worry about your own romance, Chaewon.”

“So you admit there’s a romance?” Chaewon teases.

“Go to bed,” Sakura mutters, not even trying to hide the smile on her face. Chaewon bids her goodnight before heading back to her own dorm. Still, she can’t keep herself away from Yunjin’s room. She opens the door a crack, peeking in to see Yunjin still awake and reading in bed.

“I can see you, Pupu,” Yunjin laughs at the sight of Chaewon’s head poking it, setting her book down on her bedside table.

“Just saying goodnight,” Chaewon makes her way into the room and sits on the part of the bed not occupied by Yunjin.

“You missed me?” Yunjin smiles.

Chaewon rolls her eyes, “Of course I missed you. You’ve been running away from me all day.”

“I’m the best friend ever,” Yunjin announces. She looks so proud of herself and Chaewon reaches over to run her fingers through Yunjin’s blonde hair.

“You’re so cute,” She says softly.

“I think you’re the first person who’s said that about me since I was five,” Yunjin says with a shy smile.

“Well, you are,” Says Chaewon. Feeling slightly embarrassed, she gets up to go.

“Goodnight kiss?” Yunjin asks cutely. Chaewon groans. 

“What?” Yunjin laughs, “You said I was cute.” Chaewon should have known better than to compliment the other girl. She tells herself it's only to shut her up that she leans forward and plants a soft kiss on her cheek. Yunjin squeals and presses her hand to the spot where Chaewon’s lips were the moment before while Chaewon retreats to her own bedroom, back turned to Yunjin to hide her violent blush.

“Goodnight, Pupu,” She hears a small voice behind her as she closes the door. She smiles. It looks like she’s finally found a way to quiet Yunjin down.

The next day, all the members gather their things to make the flight to Japan. Chaewon thanks her lucky stars that Eunchae demands to sit next to her on the plane because otherwise Yunjin would probably have gone into the cockpit and made a deal with the pilot that the plane doesn’t take off until Chaewon and Kazuha sit together.

Chaewon is the last one to make it out of the dorms, lugging behind her a suitcase that’s almost as big as she is. Just before she steps out, her phone starts to buzz. Yunjin is calling.

Rolling her eyes fondly, Chaewon answers, “I’ll be out in a minute.”

“No, wait, um, I forgot something,” Yunjin says. There’s something in her voice that makes Chaewon stop.

“Yeah?”

“Um, I left my diary in my room. It should be out on my desk.”

Chaewon leaves her suitcase in the doorway and checks Yunjin’s room. There it is, a little black book on Yunjin’s desk, still open.

“Found it,” Chaewon says, and hangs up the phone. She doesn’t mean to look at it. She really doesn’t. She means to go to the desk, swiftly close the book, and bring it down to Yunjin. She almost makes it, until she catches a glimpse of her name.

Chapter Text

December 26, 2022

If this is my last diary entry it will be because I’ve died of a sudden heart attack caused by Kim Chaewon. Something's been up with her lately. She keeps complimenting me out of nowhere and it sends me into a panic every time. She even kissed me goodnight?!?! The Chaewon I know starts gagging if you even say the word kiss. Is this all in my head? Am I reading too much into things? I’m sure something’s going on with her, I just can’t figure out what.

I wonder if it has to do with her talk with Kazuha today. Maybe that’s what’s putting her in such a good mood. When I came back from lunch they were both all red and embarrassed and seeing it felt like getting punched in the stomach. I’ve been trying all day to give them time alone with each other because I want to be a good friend, but it hurts more than anything. Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I just let them figure it out on their own instead of pushing so hard for the thing that will destroy me? I feel so conflicted about everything. Tomorrow we’re flying to Japan. Hopefully a change of scenery will help us sort everything out.

Chaewon curses herself. How could she be so careless? Of course it would hurt Yunjin seeing Chaewon and Kazuha together, even if Yunjin’s idea of the situation couldn’t be further from the truth. Although Yunjin claimed that her feelings for Kazuha weren’t a big deal, she’d only just begun to get over her four days ago. But then again, hasn’t Chaewon made it obvious enough who she’s really interested in? Only Yunjin could take a kiss goodnight and turn it into an argument for how much Chaewon likes Kazuha. Chaewon flips to the previous page, ignoring the twinge of guilt in her stomach.

December 25, 2022

I’m so angry I feel like I’m going to burst into flames. I’ve never been so angry before. I know I should focus on comforting Chae and not on how much I want to beat her mom up, but I feel so helpless when I see her cry. I feel like I’ve failed. I just want to protect her from every pain in the world. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure nothing hurts her ever again.

Chaewon’s never heard sweet words like these from Yunjin before. Her heart races as her eyes dart down the page.

She told me today about her feelings for Kazuha. I guess I should have seen it before. Who wouldn’t like Kazuha? Even I liked Kazuha. At least, I thought I did. I hoped I did. She really did make me happy for a while, but I always come back to the same person. I was stupid to think I could escape it. I’m beginning to feel like I’ll never get over her, my life will just be an eternity of dreaming of someone who will never think of me the same way.

Chaewon swallows. Of course. The girl from Produce 48, who keeps the tightest hold on Yunjin’s heart while Chaewon adores her silently and hopelessly. Of course it all comes back to her. The diary is thick, but nowhere near thick enough that it would reach back 5 years. Still, Chaewon is desperate to find out who this girl is. At least once she knows she can stop spending every night searching her memories of 17-year-old Yunjin for clues, her heart hurting more at every new possibility. What if it’s Minju, who was always so much prettier than Chaewon? What if it’s Yuri, who was always a better singer? And the worst one of all: What if it's Sakura? Chaewon tries to push the idea away, but it burns in the back of her mind. She turns back another page, aware that she’s been taking a suspicious amount of time in Yunjin’s room but unable to tear her eyes off of the book in front of her.

December 24, 2022

It’s Christmas already. I didn’t have time to write yesterday so I’m writing this in the early hours of the morning before I go out to see my grandparents. I went on a late night walk with Chae and she asked me all these questions. She asked me what it felt like to like a girl and I described it as best I could. It felt weird, telling her all these things I never thought I’d be able to say to her. Of course, she still doesn’t know the truth. I wonder how she’d feel if she did. I wonder if she’d be uncomfortable around me. Maybe she’d be disgusted. Or maybe she wouldn’t be surprised at all. Sometimes, I think she sees it clear as day. Sometimes when she looks into my eyes I think it’s impossible that she wouldn’t see how in love with her I still am.

Chaewon’s heartbeat thuds in her ears. She quickly closes the book and hurries downstairs, knowing she’s already taken too long and the other girls are waiting. Yunjin gives her a weird look as she takes her diary and stows it away in her suitcase, but if she suspects anything she doesn’t say so. 

They make their way through the airport, past flashing cameras and calling fans. Eunchae holds tight to Chaewon’s hand and she’s probably the only reason Chaewon doesn’t float out the window, past the clouds and into outer space. The questions circling around her head are enough to make her dizzy. Has she really loved me all this time? Why didn’t she tell me? What on Earth do I do now?

When they board the plane, Sakura and Kazuha sit behind Chaewon and Eunchae, trying to be subtle about pushing the armrest up so Sakura’s head can rest on Kazuha’s shoulder. Yunjin sits behind them, two full rows away from Chaewon which is much too far. Eunchae falls asleep two minutes after takeoff, leaving Chaewon alone with her thoughts, wishing she had eyes in the back of her head so she could study the face of the girl two rows behind her. She pulls out her phone.

Yunjinnie 🦒

i miss you

go to sleep pupu

can’t sleep

miss you

i’m right back here

too far away

manchae needs her flight buddy

we’re sharing a room tonight, right?

ofc :)

there’s something i want to talk to you about

once we’re alone

okayyy

trying not to be nervous

it’s nothing bad, don’t worry

Chaewon hesitates a bit before typing her next message.

i’m a little nervous too

you can tell me anything

i know

come visit me?

sleep, pupu

if you sleep now, we can stay up and talk tonight

Smiling, Chaewon switches her phone off and closes her eyes, quickly feeling her exhaustion get the best of her. The last thing she’s aware of before she drifts off is a gentle hand tousling her hair as a blonde girl brushes by her in the aisle.

When they finally make it to the hotel after a long first day of schedules in Tokyo, Chaewon and Yunjin take Eunchae to her room first. They make a big show of checking under the bed and in the closet for monsters, Eunchae groaning and trying to shoo them out all the while. Back in their own room, Yunjin flops onto the bed by the window, not bothering to unpack for the night.

“Pupu,” She calls. 

“What?” Chaewon crosses over towards her and gently rubs the patch of stomach exposed where Yunjin’s shirt has ridden up, feeling the muscle tense under her touch.

“Tell me now what you need to tell me before I explode,” Yunjin pleads.

“Sit with me.”

Yunjin obeys easily, sitting up and moving to make room for Chaewon. She gestures for Chaewon to speak, but Chaewon hesitates.

“It’s okay,” Yunjin says, “You can tell me anything, remember?”

“I lied to you,” Chaewon admits. “I lied about Kazuha. I don’t like her.”

“You don’t?” Yunjin’s eyebrows furrow, “But you said you were in love with a girl. Isn’t that how you found out that–”

“I am,” Chaewon says, “But not Kazuha.” 

Chaewon can see the gears turning in Yunjin’s mind as she tries to make sense of everything. She holds her breath, waiting for her to understand.

 “Is it….” Yunjin looks up at Chaewon with wide eyes. 

Chaewon nods.

“Sakura?”

Chaewon groans, “Yunjinnie, it’s you.”

She doesn’t know what she expected. An earth-shattering kiss, maybe, like in the movies. Or a long hug where they both sob into each other with happiness. Or at least a smile. Instead, Yunjin just sits there with the same confused expression she had the moment before.

“Me?” Yunjin repeats.  

“Yes, you. I like you.”

“I don’t get it,” Yunjin says slowly, “If it’s me that you liked, why did you say you liked Zuha?”

“I didn’t mean to say it,” Chaewon explains, “You just assumed and I didn’t know how to correct you. I didn’t want anything to change between us. I thought you would be creeped out since you like Kazuha and I thought you liked someone from a long time ago, but then when I…” She cuts herself off, realizing what she’s about to admit.

“Chaewon, did you read my diary?” Yunjin asks softly. Chaewon just sits there, afraid to speak for fear the whole world will come crashing down on her.

“Fuck, Chaewon,” Yunjin says louder, “Did you read my diary?”

“I didn’t mean to,” Chaewon says quietly, “It’s just–it was open and I saw my name. I just had to know.”

“How much did you read?”

“Three pages,” Chaewon mumbles, eyes boring a hole in the floor. Yunjin stands up from the bed, moving towards the door and grabbing her suitcase.

“Wait, Yunjin,” Chaewon starts after her. Yunjin ignores her and pulls the door open, struggling to get her bag through.

“Yunjin, please,” Chaewon begs, “Let me explain.”

“Not tonight,” Yunjin yanks her bag free of the door and Chaewon rushes to catch it before it slams shut.

“Please, Yunjin, I’m sorry,” Chaewon follows her out into the hotel hallway, “I’m not lying to you. I really do like you and I really have been trying to tell you all this time, even before I read anything. Yunjin, please just talk to me.”

Yunjin whirls around, “I’m in love with you, okay? Is that what you need me to say? I’ve been trying to get over you for five fucking years and I’m still in love with you. I know it’s pathetic. I know you probably didn’t think of me once from the time I got eliminated until we met again before debut. I should have been able to tell you on my own terms, but you took that from me, too. Now can I please be alone? Can I at least have that?”

Chaewon watches helplessly as Yunjin disappears into Eunchae’s room, slamming the door behind her.

Chapter Text

The hotel room’s air conditioner is blasting on the highest setting, making even the bedsheets ice cold to the touch. Sakura attempts to fiddle with it for a few minutes, earning nothing but a few weak sputters and no break from the onslaught of freezing air, before giving up and wrapping herself up in the comforter to preserve body heat. 

Kazuha comes out of the bathroom in her pajamas and smiles seeing Sakura’s face poking out of the white blob of sheets. The untrained eye would think that Kazuha doesn’t notice the cold, but Sakura knows the younger girl a little better than that. Kazuha has a way of adjusting herself around things so quietly Sakura’s not sure if the other members even notice her doing it. To be fair, two of the other members are usually busy noticing each other.

“Are you cold, Zuha?” Sakura asks gently. She considers it part of her duty as the oldest, nudging Kazuha to vocalize her needs. She worries that Kazuha will forget that she needs to eat and sleep when Sakura isn’t there to remind her.

“A little bit,” Kazuha admits.

“I tried to fix the air conditioner, but I’m no good at that kind of thing,” Sakura explains. Suddenly on a mission, Kazuha crosses over to the air conditioner and fiddles with it just as Sakura had. She pushes a button that makes it roar louder and Sakura squeals as she’s blasted with even colder air.

Kazuha gasps, “I’m sorry. Oh my god, I made it worse.”

“Come here, Zuha,” Sakura laughs, unwrapping herself from the comforter burrito to hold her arms out to the younger girl, “We can warm each other up.” She enjoys the way the younger girl blushes at her words. 

Sakura isn’t stupid enough to think that Kazuha returns her feelings. She’s so young, still in that phase where fancies pass as quickly as night turns to day. A few days ago it was Chaewon, now it’s Sakura, next she’ll probably be drooling over Yunjin. Still, she enjoys being the object of Kazuha’s attention, no matter how short-lived.

Sakura stands up, letting the comforter fall back onto the bed as the taller girl envelops her in a hug. Kazuha’s hands rub up and down Sakura’s arms, returning heat to the numbing skin, and Sakura smiles against Kazuha’s chest.

“Let me take care of you,” She murmurs, “I’m the older one.”

“But you’re so small,” Kazuha protests, “I’m afraid you’ll freeze to death if I don’t keep you warm.”

“Small?” Sakura repeats.
“I–I mean,” Zuha stutters, “Not that you’re small, but you’re kind of short and–”

“I know I’m small,” Sakura laughs, “Let me take care of you anyway.” She gently pushes Kazuha back onto the bed, taking note of the way the younger girl flushes at her touch, the way she can’t meet Sakura’s eyes while she pulls the comforter over her. Once Kazuha is safely tucked in, Sakura climbs into bed beside her, pressing their bodies together. It’s still freezing, but it's bearable with Kazuha’s heat warming her.

“Is this okay, Zuha?” Sakura whispers. Kazuha nods enthusiastically, earning another laugh from Sakura. She snuggles into the younger girl, enjoying Kazuha’s toned arm holding her tightly in place and the steady rise and fall of her chest. Enjoying it all too much because Sakura knows better than to get sucked in like this. She’s been keeping her feelings in check for eleven years of being an idol, never falling for one of her members because she knows the havoc it would wreak on her life. Until Nakamura Kazuha came along and made it so much harder not to fall.

“How are you feeling?” Sakura asks. She doesn’t need to explain what she means. Ever since Kazuha revealed her feelings for Chaewon and Chaewon revealed her jealous streak, it’s become part of their nighttime routine for her to check in with Kazuha like this. Sakura wants to make sure she hasn’t taken Chaewon’s temper to heart. More than that, she wants to make sure Kazuha knows she doesn’t have to hide her pain from everyone the way she’s gotten used to doing.

“Watching them all over each other today, the whole time I was thinking that it should be hurting me so bad, and then I was wondering why it wasn’t hurting me,” Kazuha says, “To be honest, I haven’t been thinking about her so much anymore.”

Kazuha’s introspection is interrupted by voices in the hallway, both girls holding their breath to better hear what’s being said. Yunjin’s voice comes loud and clear through the thin walls of the hotel.

“Can I please be alone? Can I at least have that?”

Sakura meets Kazuha’s eyes, seeing her own dread reflected in them. Her fears are confirmed moments later, when the sounds of voices disappear and are replaced with muffled sobs.

“I should go check on her,” Sakura says. Kazuha’s hold around her immediately tightens and she smiles in spite of her worry.

“We can check on her tomorrow,” Kazuha says quietly.

“Tomorrow?” Sakura prods the younger girl.

“She probably wants to be alone,” Kazuha looks away before adding, “And I don’t want you to move right now.”

Sakura smiles, “Then I won’t."

“Why don’t they just kiss each other?” Kazuha asks innocently, “Why do they make everything so complicated?”

“You know how those two are,” Sakura sighs, “They never feel anything small. It’s like a hurricane meeting a wildfire. You and I aren’t like that. We feel things more quietly.”

“I feel so strongly sometimes I think I might burst open,” Kazuha admits, “I just don’t say anything. I don’t know how to tell people.”

“How do you feel now, Kazuha?” Sakura lightly traces Kazuha’s jawline with her fingertips, watching the skin redden under her touch.

Kazuha hesitates for a moment, “I’m really happy to be with you like this.”

“Me too,” Sakura says.

“Sakura.” Something in Kazuha’s voice is different now, heavy, making Sakura’s stomach tighten. “I want to kiss you right now.”

That’s my Zuha , Sakura thinks, finally telling me what she wants . She pushes Kazuha’s hair out of her face, trying to resist what she wants more than anything. “We shouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re still getting over Chaewon and maybe you’ll be over me tomorrow and I don’t want to get too attached to you when your feelings could change in a moment. And you’re 19.”

“You’re not old, Sakura,” Kazuha murmurs.

“I’ve been an idol for 11 years,” Sakura says wryly, “That ages a person.”

“You’re not old,” Kazuha repeats, “And I know I can’t do anything to show you that my feelings won’t change, and I know it’s unfair for me to be saying all this when a few days ago I was crying over another girl, but what I’m feeling right now with you is different from anything I’ve felt before.”

“Don’t let me age you, Zuha,” Sakura caresses her face, “You’re so young, your feelings should change like the tides at this age.”

“But I don’t ever want to lose what I’m feeling right now.”

“Me neither,” Sakura admits.

“What are you feeling?”

Sakura smiles at the use of her own techniques against her, “That I want to kiss you, too. That things can be beautiful even if they’re fleeting.”

“Just like the tides,” Kazuha says.

“Just like the tides,” Sakura agrees.

 The heat of Kazuha’s lips in the freezing cold of the room raises goosebumps all across Sakura’s body. Her fingers tangle in dark hair, needing something to hold onto to stop her head from spinning as Kazuha’s lips move against hers. Then, as quickly as it happened, it's over and Kazuha is pulling back with exhilarated eyes.

“That’s my first kiss,” Kazuha says breathlessly.

“How was it?”

Kazuha hesitates and Sakura’s heart drops. Did she not like it? Is she uncomfortable? Did I mess everything up?

“I don’t know,” Kazuha gives her a shy smile, “Let’s try again just to be sure.”

Sakura obliges the younger girl, leaning into her touch again and pushing the idea of the next morning out of her mind.

Chapter Text

The next day, the girls take two cars to the Nippon TV studio for the year-end music show. Chaewon is the last one out of the hotel, stumbling through her morning routine while the other girls call through the door for her to hurry up. She was awake all night, replaying Yunjin’s words in her head and staining the pillowcase with tears, and it's only now that the sun has risen that fatigue is starting to hit her. She gets into the car where Eunchae is waiting and the maknae’s eyes widen at the sight of her.

“What’s wrong?” Chaewon mumbles, willing her eyes to stay open, “You look like you just saw a ghost.”

“Um, Chaewon, did you….have you….”
Chaewon raises her eyebrows, “Have I what?”

“Um, did you sleep last night?” Eunchae asks, voice squeaking.

“Not really. Is it obvious?”

Eunchae pulls out her phone and turns it towards Chaewon so she can see herself in the camera. Her hair is a mess, her eyelids are drooping, her face is flushed from splashing it with cold water in a futile attempt to wake herself up, but that’s all fine. It’s nothing makeup and coffee can’t fix. The real problem is her eyes. All her time crying instead of sleeping has turned the whites of Chaewon’s eyes an alarming shade of red. She looks like the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

“What do I do?” She looks up at Eunchae, panic quickly overtaking her exhaustion.

“Maybe they can give you contacts?” Eunchae offers.

Chaewon runs her hands through her hair, trying not to freak out in front of the maknae.
“What happened last night?” Eunchae asks, “Why did Yunjin come to my room?”

Chaewon stops, caught off guard by the question, “We had a little bit of a fight.”

“I heard what she told you in the hallway,” Eunchae says softly.

“Yeah?” Chaewon swallows, “What do you think?” Eunchae is like Chaewon, born and raised in Korea. She holds her breath for the youngest girl’s answer.

“Are you guys going to be girlfriends now?”

Chaewon smiles wryly, “I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

“Like I said, we had a fight,” Chaewon says gently, “I don’t think Yunjin wants to be girlfriends.”

“But she said she was in love with you.”

“She didn’t seem very happy about it, though,” Chaewon points out.

“Why did you guys fight?”
“I…” Chaewon’s face burns with shame, “I made a mistake. I broke her trust.”

“But she still loves you,” Eunchae insists.

Chaewon shakes her head, “I don’t know.”

“She was up all night last night,” Eunchae says, “She kept looking at the door like she was waiting for you to come get her.”

Chaewon frowns, “She told me to leave her alone.”

Eunchae just shrugs, turning to look out the window as they drive the streets of Tokyo. Chaewon sinks lower in her seat, reflecting on the youngest girl’s words and the events of the night before.

They arrive at the studio and Chaewon’s attempts to hide her bloodshot eyes from the other members fail miserably. Sakura shrieks and hides behind Kazuha, meanwhile Yunjin barely notices the commotion, staring at the ground with her lips pressed tightly together. It doesn’t seem quite fair to Chaewon that after the night they had Yunjin still looks angelic, her exhaustion only making her face softer and prettier, meanwhile Chaewon looks like Natalie Portman at the end of Black Swan . As soon as the manager sees the state that Chaewon is in he escorts her to a small room, more of a closet than anything with nothing but a table and a chair inside, and instructs her to sleep. She sits down and slumps onto the table, her exhaustion finally catching up with her. 

The next thing she knows, she’s being woken up and pushed into the hair and makeup chair. Then she’s dancing on Japanese TV, getting lost in the feeling of being next to Yunjin again although it's only part of the choreography. Then it’s over and it’s nighttime and they’re making their way back to the hotel. Chaewon returns to the room she was supposed to share with Yunjin, the empty bed by the window causing a pang in her heart every time she glances over. She changes into her pajamas and is settling into bed, trying to sleep early to avoid another catastrophic morning, when she hears the lock click and Eunchae lets herself into the room.

Chaewon sits up, “Is Yunjinnie okay?”

Eunchae frowns, “Don’t you want to know if I’m okay, too?”

Chaewon gestures towards her,“I can see that you’re okay.”

 “It’s still polite to ask,” Eunchae feigns offense.

Chaewon rolls her eyes, “Are you okay, Eunchae?”

“I’m all good,” Eunchae grins, assuming her smile potato state, “Thank you for asking.”

  Chaewon gestures for her to continue, “Yunjinnie?”

Eunchae huffs, “You’re just rude. Yunjin’s fine except that she’s keeping me awake with her obnoxious sniffing.”

“She’s crying?”

“Very loudly, so I’m sleeping in here,” Eunchae flops onto the bed by the window. Yunjin’s bed.

“We can’t leave her alone,” Chaewon protests.

Eunchae sighs, “If only there was someone else who could keep her company.” She gives Chaewon a mischievous look.

“I don’t think seeing me will make her feel any better.”

“Based on the few words I’ve been able to make out, I think it’s the only thing that will make her feel better,” Eunchae says.

Chaewon frowns, “What did she say?”

Eunchae covers her face and feigns a sob, “Kim Chaewon, Kim Chaewon.”

Chaewon gives her a look, “She did not say that.”
“That was the general idea,” Eunchae assures her.

“You’re ridiculous,” Chaewon shakes her head, “Why am I even letting a sixteen year old tell me what to do?”

Eunchae gives her puppy eyes, “Every moment you don’t go to comfort her is another moment Jennifer cries…… alone .” 

“Shut up,” Chaewon mumbles, getting up from the bed and marching out of the room with a purpose.

“Give her a big wet kiss for me!” Eunchae calls after her. Chaewon winces, hoping Yunjin didn’t hear. When she enters the room, there is no sobbing or sniffing to be heard. Yunjin is lying on the bed by the window staring at the ceiling. She doesn’t look up when Chaewon comes in. 

“I told you she won’t let you use my bed,” Yunjin says.

“What?”

At the sound of Chaewon’s voice, Yunjin springs up so violently she nearly falls off the bed. “I-I thought you were Eunchae,” She sputters. Then, after a pause, “You let her use my bed?”

Chaewon just stands there with her arms hanging limply at her sides, at a loss for words with Yunjin in front of her again.

“Did you come in here just to stare at me?” Yunjin gives her a shy smile and Chaewon’s starting to feel a little lightheaded.

“I– Eunchae said you were crying,” She explains.

“Oh,” Yunjin turns back to the ceiling, “Well, I’m not anymore, so you can go now.”

Chaewon wrings her hands, disoriented by the way Yunjin’s mood seems to change with every sentence. “Is it okay if I stay?” She asks quietly. 

Yunjin lazily pats the empty spot next to her on the bed and Chaewon lies down, afraid to make any sudden movement lest Yunjin come to her senses and kick her out of the room. She aches to reach towards Yunjin, to climb on top of her and bury her face in blonde hair, to fall asleep in the crook of Yunjin’s neck. Instead, she lies frozen on the bed, waiting for Yunjin to tell her what on Earth is going on between them.

“I can see you staring,” Yunjin says, eyes still fixed on the ceiling.

“Sorry,” Chaewon mutters, but she can’t tear her eyes from the other girl, her face softened by the warm light of the lamp. The dip of her cupid’s bow, the slope of her nose, her dark eyes staring at the white expanse of nothing. “What are you thinking about?” Chaewon asks softly.

“That I should tell you to leave,” Yunjin’s voice wavers.

Chaewon sits up, heart heavy, “I can go if you want.”

 Yunjin’s fingers wrap around her wrist, tugging her back down onto the bed. “I don’t want you to,” Yunjin admits. 

Chaewon lies back down, all too aware of Yunjin’s hand still holding onto her. Slowly, raising goosebumps on every inch of skin she touches, Yunjin slips her hand into Chaewon’s. Chaewon sneaks a look at the other girl out of the corner of her eye. Yunjin is maintaining her nonchalant expression, eyes still pointed upwards. Chaewon would almost think she’s imagining the soft hand in hers except that every callous and groove of the skin is unmistakably Yunjin, the feel of her hand so familiar but now heavy with everything unsaid between them.

The door opens and Yunjin yanks her hand away, both girls jolting up in surprise. Standing in the doorway is a wide-eyed Sakura. 

“Oh, sorry, I just came in to check on Yunjin,” She squeaks, “I didn’t realize you guys were together. I’ll go now!”

Sakura hurries to leave, but Yunjin doesn’t let her. “Wait, wait, not so fast,” Yunjin calls, “Get back in here!”

Sakura walks back towards the other girls, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly.

“Chaewon doesn’t know because she was asleep,” a wide smile spreads across Yunjin’s face, “But Sakura here was getting very close with a certain tall, dark, handsome stranger today.”

“She means Kazuha,” Sakura explains, rolling her eyes at Yunjin.

“Oh,” Chaewon smiles proudly, “I already knew about this.”

Yunjin’s mouth falls open, “You did?” She turns to Sakura, “When were you planning on telling me?”

“There’s nothing to tell!” Sakura protests, her violent blush giving her away, “I– Zuha and I are close, that’s all.”

“Close like sisters?” Yunjin raises an eyebrow, “Or close like lovers .”

Chaewon cringes, “Ew, don’t use that word.”

“Why not?” Yunjin challenges her, “You think love is gross?”

“I’ve known Sakura for like five years now, she’s like a sister to me,” Chaewon makes a face, "I don’t need to think about her being anyone’s lover .”

“Now you know how the rest of us feel watching you two make eyes at each other,” Sakura counters. 

“I don’t make eyes at anyone!” Yunjin insists. 

Chaewon laughs at the younger girl’s cuteness, secretly pleased at how flustered Yunjin is getting.

“Don’t laugh, Chae, you’re worse than her,” Sakura scolds her. That shuts Chaewon up quickly. She could almost kill Sakura if it weren’t for the goofy smile on Yunjin’s face, making all the embarrassment worth it. 

“So everything’s okay between you two?” Sakura asks, looking from the blushing Chaewon to the grinning Yunjin.

Yunjin pauses before answering, “We’re still figuring things out.”

Sakura nods, “Well, in that case I’ll give you guys some privacy.” She gets up from the bed and heads towards the door.

“Have fun with Zuha!” Yunjin calls as the door closes behind her.

Suppressing a smile that would only encourage Yunjin’s antics, Chaewon turns back towards her. “What did you mean, figuring things out?” She asks.

“I mean I have no idea what I’m doing,” Yunjin admits, “I’m still a little angry, and so confused, and I don’t want to do the wrong thing and end up hurting you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, this should be something positive for you,” Yunjin explains, “I want you to be able to have a good first experience without any baggage attached. With me, it’s more complicated than that. You’re the best thing in my life. Really, you are. But there’s also all this pain that’s been stewing inside me for so long. Being with you like this only reminds me of all those nights I thought I’d never see you again and that you’d never love me the way I wanted you to. I don’t think it’s fair for you to have to deal with all that ugliness.”

Chaewon thinks for a while, chewing on her lower lip. “It’s not ugly to me if it's part of you,” She finally says, so quietly she isn’t sure at first if Yunjin hears her.

Yunjin gives a small smile, “I just need time to figure all of this out.”

“Okay,” Chaewon nods, sneaking a glance into Yunjin’s eyes, “While you’re figuring things out, is it okay if I hold your hand again?”

  Yunjin lets out a laugh, reaching out to wrap her arms around the older girl. Caught off guard by the sudden embrace, Chaewon freezes for a second before leaning into Yunjin.

“We can’t stay away from each other for one day, can we?” Yunjin murmurs, “What are we getting ourselves into?”

Chaewon stares up at the younger girl and her annoyingly perfect face, her soft lips, her puppy eyes. I’ll never hurt you ever again , she wants to say. I’ll be perfect for you so I never have to spend another minute away from you. I’ll always be right here, even when you don’t want me anymore, even when you move on to someone new I’ll wait right here for you in case you change your mind. She keeps her mouth sealed shut, afraid to upset the precarious balance of the universe that’s keeping her in Yunjin’s arms. Afraid that at any moment she’ll blink and Yunjin will have disappeared, leaving Chaewon clutching the air in an empty bed.

Chapter Text

Chaewon wakes up on her stomach in an uncomfortably warm bed, wondering what on Earth possessed her to fall asleep in that position. It isn’t until she props herself up on her elbows to check the time and her bed groans that she realizes she’s on top of Yunjin. She gasps, yanking her elbows out from under her which only makes Yunjin let out another sleepy sound of pain. Chaewon attempts to move off of the other girl but Yunjin’s arm wrapped around her keeps her firmly in place. She’s somehow stayed asleep through the entire ordeal, although she’s beginning to shift around in her discomfort.

Sleeping Yunjin is a sight to behold. All of the pain and worry that’s been twisting her face recently is lifted and she looks peaceful, her lips slightly parted and her eyelashes fluttering as she stirs. Part of Chaewon wants to stay like this all morning, but her whole body is sore from sleeping on her stomach and she desperately needs to stretch. She sighs and wrenches herself free, rolling onto the empty side of the bed as Yunjin begins to blink awake.

It takes a few seconds of shifting and stretching before Yunjin’s eyes open. Immediately all of the peace of sleep is gone, panic overtaking her face and eyes darting around the room.

“Chaewon?” Yunjin squeaks, sitting up in bed.

“I’m right here, dummy,” Chaewon sits up beside her, wrapping her arms around Yunjin and feeling the younger girl relax in her arms. Yunjin leans her head on Chaewon’s shoulder, closing her eyes for a moment to calm herself.

“I thought you got abducted by aliens for a moment,” Yunjin breathes.

“Aliens?” Chaewon repeats, a smile spreading across her face.

“In my dream I was protecting you from these evil aliens,” Yunjin recounts the story earnestly, “I fought them off for a while but then they pulled you away from me and that’s when I woke up.”

“I just rolled over, Yunjinnie,” Chaewon strokes Yunjin’s hair, adoring her seriousness. She looks up at Yunjin through her eyelashes, “Thank you for protecting me.”

Yunjin blushes, “If aliens took you, what would happen to Le Sserafim?”

Chaewon frowns, retracting her hand from Yunjin’s hair.

“Oh yeah, and I’d miss you too,” Yunjin jokes, wrapping her arms around Chaewon’s neck, “You were so cute falling asleep on me, Pupu.”

Chaewon groans, “I thought you forgot that stupid name.”

“How could I forget my Pupu?” Yunjin’s eyes crinkle with her smile, “She was gone for a while but thank goodness she’s back now.”

“She was gone?” Chaewon repeats, only-half listening as she cuddles into Yunjin.

“Yeah, and can you believe it? While she was gone her evil twin was running around reading other people’s diaries.”

“Her evil twin ?” Chaewon can’t believe her ears.

“Yeah, she has these red demon eyes,” Yunjin says, “She’s really scary.”

Chaewon’s mouth falls open, astonished at the audacity of the younger girl. “Yunjinnie,” She croaks, “I’m hurt.” 

Yunjin’s fingers slide under Chaewon’s chin, angling her face up so she can plant a gentle kiss on Chaewon’s cheek. “Better?” She asks with a grin. 

“Yunjinnie…” Chaewon’s mind is starting to cloud, the feeling of Yunjin’s fingers ghosting over her skin making her so uncomfortably hot.

Yunjin’s eyebrows knit together, “You don’t like it?”

“Of course I like it,” Chaewon sighs. She rubs the younger girl’s back, trying not to get too lost in her, “Think things over quickly, okay?”

“I had an idea while you were sleeping on me,” Yunjin says.

“What is it?”

“New Year’s Eve is in two days, right?” 

Chaewon nods.

“So let’s give ourselves a few days to think about it,” Yunjin suggests, “Then on New Year’s we can decide what we want to be in 2023.”

“That sounds good,” Chaewon agrees.

Yunjin squeezes her, “I’m glad the aliens didn’t take you, Pupu.”

Chawon smiles weakly, “You’re going to kill me, you know that?” 

Now that Yunjin has planted the idea in her head of a New Year’s Eve confession, Chaewon has enough daydreaming material to last several lifetimes. The thought hits her that evening as she lounges in Sakura and Kazuha’s room, attempting to give Yunjin space to think despite her overwhelming urge to wrap around the younger girl like a snake and refuse to let go. New Year’s must mean a kiss. Chaewon is both excited and terrified at the idea. If anyone’s going to be her first kiss of course she’d want it to be Yunjin. Even before she’d realized her feelings she’d caught herself imagining it once or twice. Or possibly thrice. Yunjin’s lips just look so soft and pretty. To have the chance to kiss them, Chaewon thinks she’s the luckiest girl in the world. There’s one slight problem, though, and that’s that Chaewon’s 22 years old and her knowledge of kissing ends at rom-coms and the one time she accidentally turned her head while Eunbi was trying to kiss her on the cheek. 

“Sakura,” She calls from her spot on the bed.

“Hm?” Sakura emerges from the bathroom with her hair wrapped up in a towel hat.

Chaewon swallows, thinking of how to word her slightly embarrassing question, “Um, can you give me kissing advice?”

“Kissing advice?” A smile plays on Sakura’s lips, “What are you having trouble with?”

“Um, well, I haven’t exactly done it yet,” Chaewon admits, “I don’t really understand how it works, to be honest.”

Sakura lets out a laugh. “Zuha,” She calls to the girl curled up on the other bed, “Chaewon needs you to explain how kissing works.”

“But Zuha hasn’t–” Chaewon protests, then her eyes widen with the realization, “Oh my God.”

Kazuha freezes, looking up at Sakura with wide eyes.

“It’s okay, Zuha,” Sakura walks over to the younger girl, engulfing her in a hug, “Yes, Zuha had her first kiss.” Chaewon looks between the two girls with her eyes open so wide she thinks she can see into the fourth dimension.

“Why do you look so surprised?” Kazuha asks, blushing.

“I—I just didn’t expect you guys to move so fast.”

Sakura gives her a look, “Just because you and Yunjin needed a good month of flirting with each other every waking minute to come to your senses doesn’t mean we all do.”

“Hey,” Chaewon opens her mouth to defend herself but nothing comes to mind, “You’re right. Please give me advice, I’m dying here.”

“Try not to be nervous,” Kazuha says wisely, “Don’t be so nervous you forget to breathe because then you have to pull back to breathe and it's awkward.”

Sakura nods, “Don’t worry too much about if you’re doing it right, just try to mirror whatever she’s doing.”

Chaewon nods seriously, trying to commit all of their words to memory.

“If you want to use your tongue–” Kazuha starts.

Chaewon shrieks, “Okay, that’s enough! I don’t need any more advice!”

“You’re the one who asked!” Kazuha protests.

“Tongues are too much, though,” Chaewon tilts her head to the side, “I mean, maybe it would be okay if it was Yunjin.”

Sakura groans, “Why don’t you just ask her for advice?”

“I can’t-”

“Tell her you need lots of practice,” Kazuha jokes. 

“You guys are the worst,” Chaewon feels a blush creeping up her neck.

“We love you, too,” Sakura walks over to Chaewon, nudging her up from where she’s splayed on the bed, “But I’m evicting you now. It’s bedtime for us.” She gestures to the clock which reads 12 AM.

Chaewon rolls her eyes, “You just want me gone so you can make out.”

“True,” Sakura says, making Kazuha blush redder. They say their goodnights and Chaewon allows herself to be kicked out, mentally preparing herself for the onslaught to her senses that is Yunjin.

“Are you okay?” Yunjin laughs as Chaewon trudges into their shared room, “You’re all red, Pupu.”

“It’s Kkura and Zuha,” Chaewon explains.

“What’d they do?” Yunjin asks, eyes twinkling.

“They’re embarrassing . ”

Yunjin accepts Chaewon into her arms easily and pokes at her flushed face, “Where would we be without them, though?”

Chaewon nods her agreement, “You know Kazuha’s the reason I realized I liked you.”

Yunjin raises her eyebrows, “How’s that?”

“When we had that talk in the closet she said she could tell by the way I look at you,” Chaewon looks down, shy to recall the conversation, “Then I yelled at her and said I wasn’t a lesbian, but inside I knew she was right.”

“Zuha’s good at noticing those things,” Says Yunjin, “She reads people well.”

Chaewon can’t help the frown on her face at hearing Yunjin praise Kazuha, although she knows it’s ridiculous.

“Oh my god,” Yunjin’s eyes widen, “Are you jealous?”

Chaewon rolls her eyes, “What do I have to be jealous of?”

Yunjin squeals, “You’re totally jealous.”

“Say something nice about me now or I’ll go to the other bed,” Chaewon threatens.

“You’re so cute,” Yunjin cups Chaewon’s face, unfazed by the older girl’s grumpiness, “You were amazing in practice today. Really, I’m not just saying that to please you. Everytime I see you perform I think to myself that there’s no limit to how far you can go.”

“Ah, Yunjinnie,” Chaewon lightly pushes the younger girl, embarrassed.

“Seriously,” Yunjin insists, a cheesy grin spreading across her face, “I can’t wait to watch you take over the world.”

Chaewon groans, “Isn’t that too much?” Still, she can’t hide the way her heart flutters at Yunjin’s words. “I don’t need to take over the world,” Chaewon says softly, “What I have here is more important.” 

The words are meant to reassure Yunjin, to ease the younger girl’s worries of Chaewon getting stolen away from her by evil aliens, but instead Yunjin frowns. 

“There’s bigger things in this world for you than me, Chaewon,” She says, tucking her head into Chaewon’s shoulder. She nuzzles the sensitive skin and it’s almost enough to soothe the sting of her words.

Two days pass by without any time to catch her breath, and on the evening of the 31st Chaewon feels wholly unprepared for her New Year’s meeting with Yunjin. It’s late when they return to the dorms after performing in Kohaku Uta Gassen. At Yunjin’s suggestion, they step out onto the hotel room balcony although the winter night air stings their faces. They sit in the stiff metal chairs and Chaewon gazes out at the city, nervous to look at the girl beside her.

“Should I start?” Chaewon finally asks, turning to look Yunjin in the eyes.

“I think maybe I should,” Yunjin says.

“Okay.” Desperate to soothe the anxiety in the younger girl’s eyes, Chaewon slips her hand into Yunjin’s larger one, “You don’t need to be scared, Yunjinnie. It’s just me.”

Yunjin gives her hand a light squeeze, “I just want to make sure I express my feelings right.”

“Take your time,” Chaewon rubs gentle circles on Yunjin’s hand with her thumb, the silence thick with anticipation.

Yunjin lets out a long breath, “I don’t think I can be what you want me to be.”

The words are like hands around Chaewon’s throat.

“Please don’t misunderstand,” Yunjin begs, “I care for you so much, more than I can ever tell you, but the more I’ve thought of it the more I’ve felt like if I truly care then this is the decision I have to make. I meant what I said, there’s no limit to what you can do and I can’t be the one who derails all of it. What if things went badly between us? What if we broke up and then we had to keep on living together, performing together, spending every minute together? Wouldn’t it be a disaster? And even if things went perfect, even if we didn’t break up, we’d have to hide everything. We’d have to be constantly worried about someone finding out and constantly watching our backs. What kind of relationship is that? What kind of a way to live is that? I won’t let myself become a negative thing in your life, I’ll die before I do that.”

Chaewon looks at Yunjin, her adored Yunjin who takes on the world without faltering and never stopped fighting for what she wanted, even when it meant putting everything on the line. Until now. Now, all Chaewon sees is a scared little girl, her lip quivering as she pours her anxieties out.

“I really hope you don’t feel like I’ve been leading you on or lying to you or anything,” Yunjin continues, “These past few days have been-”

“Yunjin, it’s fine,” Chaewon interrupts, “I get it.”

“You do?” Yunjin looks surprised at having her speech interrupted.

Chaewon nods.

“So you’re not mad?” Yunjin asks, “I mean, we’re still friends?”

“Of course.”

“Oh, thank God,” Yunjin presses a hand to her heart, “You don’t know how this has been weighing on me.”

Chaewon stands up, the metal chair scraping horribly against the concrete balcony, “Let’s get to bed. We have an early flight tomorrow morning.”

“Wait,” Yunjin says.

Chaewon turns around. Yunjin is staring up at her with wide eyes.

“You don’t want to say anything?”

Chaewon gives the younger girl a pat on the shoulder, “Let’s work hard tomorrow, okay?” 

With that, she retreats inside to the bathroom where Yunjin can’t see her cry.

Chapter Text

Chaewon sits alone on the flight back to Seoul, thanking all the higher powers of the universe that they have the rest of the day off before practice for the Golden Disc Awards starts the next day. As soon as they make it to the dorm she locks her bedroom door, slumping onto her bed and making a mental note to unpack later.

At times like this when she’s overwhelmed by her troubles, Chaewon’s best technique is turning all the lights off and burying her face in her pillow. She watches the shapes that float behind her eyelids and lets the rest of the world fade to black, smothering herself in the soft fabric until her breathing calms and her heartbeat slows. Today, though, even the warm cocoon of her bed does nothing to calm her. Today, all she sees is Yunjin’s stupid face behind her eyelids, the soft sound of Yunjin’s footsteps in the other room driving her crazy because she’s right there but never as close as Chaewon wants her. She’s finally found a pain that she can’t shut out.

How can she forget the night before, the fear in Yunjin’s eyes and the words that spilled out and made a mess all over the balcony? How can she forget the feeling of Yunjin’s arms around her? Even if she marched into Yunjin’s room right then and there and jumped on her, begged to be held and sobbed into Yunjin’s shoulder until she ran out of tears, it wouldn’t feel the same. She could no longer hold onto the giddy delusion that the two of them were the axis around which the Earth turned and nothing else mattered. She can feel all too well now the world’s eyes on them, even in the privacy of the dorm.

Chaewon hears a soft knock on her door and raises her head.

“It’s Yunjin, can I come in?” 

“What do you want?” It comes out meaner than Chaewon intended. She isn’t angry at Yunjin, how could she ever be? She’s just exhausted, sure that her heart will give out if it gets battered any longer.

“We used to always spend our days off together,” Yunjin says in a small voice.

She’s right. On days like this they would usually go to Han River and walk hand in hand, or try a new cafe and pick out drinks for each other, or stay in and cuddle in one of the awkwardly small twin beds, maintaining that there was nothing more than friendship between them. It had been so much easier then, with everything unsaid. Chaewon had promised Yunjin that they’d still be friends, but trying to recreate things as they were before would only prolong the pain, that much she knows.

“I can’t today, Yunjin,” Chaewon says weakly, “I’m sorry.”

“Oh.”

Yunjin’s voice sounds hollow and Chaewon briefly contemplates throwing the door open and falling into her arms, kissing her face, taking her into the bed and promising that things will be as they always have been.

“That’s okay,” Yunjin says, “I hope you, um, feel better.” 

Then she’s gone and Chaewon is alone again but now aching with the loss of Yunjin’s presence, longing to hear her sweet voice one more time through the door. Chaewon puts her earbuds in and scrolls through her playlist to crowd out the room’s sudden emptiness, but even that is infected with Yunjin. Each song is a shared memory or a recommendation or simply too full of that word, that ugly four-letter-word that Chaewon never wants to hear again as long as she lives. She finally gives up on the music and lays on her back, letting the tears flow freely down her face and collect on the pillowcase. She doesn’t know when she falls asleep, but she wakes up with her face dry from its saltwater rinse and a sharp knocking on the still-locked door.

“Open up!” Eunchae calls.

Chaewon rubs her eyes, drowsily getting to her feet and opening the door. Eunchae, Sakura, and Kazuha are waiting for her with a box of tissues, a pint of mint chocolate ice cream, and four spoons.

“What is this?,” Chaewon asks, looking from face to face.

“Jennifer told us everything,” Eunchae explains, inviting herself into the room.

“We thought you could use some cheering up,” Sakura says gently. 

They sit in a circle on the floor and hand out spoons.

“We all agree that she lost a bad bitch, by the way,” Eunchae says, taking it upon herself to open the ice cream.

“Eunchae,” Sakura scolds her half-heartedly.

“It’s true,” Eunchae shrugs.

“Guys, we’re here to make Chaewon feel better,” Kazuha reminds them, “Let’s all say something wise.”

They all turn to Sakura expectantly.

“Oh, um,” Sakura nods, “This too shall pass.”

“Wow,” Kazuha puts a hand to her heart, “It’s beautiful.”

“Okay, Kazuha’s turn,” Eunchae says with a grin.

“Love is like a banana,” Kazuha says serenely, “It can be sweet. But if it’s not ripe enough, sometimes it’s too hard.” 

Chaewon nods, taking the words to heart. All three turn towards Eunchae, who momentarily sets down the ice cream she’s attacking.

“Think about it this way,” She says through her mouthful of mint chocolate, “Do you really want to have loud, blonde children?”

“Ah,” Sakura points to the maknae, “This one is the wisest of all.”

“Imagine a house full of baby Huhs,” Kazuha shakes her head, “It would be a living nightmare.”

Chaewon smiles thinly, but imagining a house full of cute little Yunjin juniors is doing nothing to comfort her. She blinks back the tears that swell against her will.

“What is it, Chae?” Sakura asks softly, putting a gentle hand on Chaewon’s knee.

“It’s just that I told Yunjin she couldn’t come in here earlier,” Chaewon explains, “I don’t think it’s right for us to all hang out here without her.”

“Chaewon, this is about you and your healing,” Sakura says firmly, “Yunjin will be okay. In fact, let’s stop talking about her entirely. Today is for you.”

Chaewon shakes her head, “I don’t want her to get hurt.”

Kazuha sighs and gets up, “I’ll go get Jennifer.” 

Sakura frowns. “You know this is bad for you, right?” She gives Chaewon a poke.

“I’ll be okay,” Chaewon promises. But Kazuha returns with no blonde girl beside her.

“Um, Yunjin isn’t exactly in a state to come out of her room right now,” Kazuha says, returning to her seat.

Chaewon’s chest tenses up, “Is she okay?”

“She’s fine,” Kazuha assures her, “It’s just….I mean, with Eunchae here…” She gestures awkwardly.

“Can I go see her?” Chaewon asks, then shakes her head, “I don’t know why I’m asking. I’m going to see her.”

She gets up and rushes to Yunjin’s room, ignoring Sakura and Kazuha’s concerned looks and Eunchae’s judgemental ice cream eating. When Chaewon enters the room, she sees what Kazuha was trying to imply. Yunjin is nursing a green glass bottle, an identical bottle already empty on the floor by the foot of her bed.

“Did Kazuha send you here to babysit me?” Yunjin asks, the bitter smell of alcohol on her breath. Chaewon usually finds drunk Yunjin adorable, but not when it's mid-afternoon and she’s on her second bottle.

“I came to check on you because I’m worried about you,” Chaewon says firmly, “Do you know what time it is?”

“I’ll drink when I want, thanks,” Yunjin says, taking another sip as if to prove her point and making a face as she swallows.

“How about you brush your teeth, drink some water, and come hang out with the rest of us?”

Yunjin shakes her head, “I think it’s better if I don’t.”

“Please?” 

Chaewon didn’t plan on being so pathetic, but seeing Yunjin like this makes her feel helpless. What happened to the soft-eyed angel who slept and woke beside her all those nights in Japan?

“I don’t get it,” Yunjin says, “You told me you didn’t want to see me today.”

“I know,” Chaewon feels herself growing frustrated at the other girl’s stubbornness, “I thought it would be better for us to be apart but I also don’t want to abandon you when you need someone and I-”

“I don’t need your pity, Chaewon,” Yunjin cuts her off.

“It’s not pity, I fucking care about you,” Chaewon raises her voice, “Don’t you understand that? Don’t you think this is hard on me, too? But you don’t see me getting drunk in bed at 4 p.m.”

“I think you should go,” Yunjin says quietly, moving her gaze from Chaewon to stare at the wall.

Chaewon stands frozen for a moment, desperately trying to think of what she can say to fix things because knowing Yunjin is angry at her feels like being ripped apart from the inside out. “Fine,” she says, and leaves the room, slamming the door behind her.

Back in her own room, she flops on the floor beside Sakura and hides her face in her hands, trying to keep it together for her members’ sake but feeling tears wet her palms in spite of her efforts.

“It’s okay,” Sakura says softly, gently rubbing Chaewon’s back, “It’ll be okay.”

“I am going to kill Jennifer,” Eunchae mutters, and this time no one scolds her.

Chapter Text

To no one’s surprise, Yunjin is a mess the next day in rehearsal. She tries her best to cover it up, but the instructor notices right away that she isn’t dancing with her usual precision. Chaewon sees her sneaking Advil on breaks, face dripping from splashing cold water on herself in the bathroom. She resists the urge to fuss over her, stroke her hair and kiss her forehead. These are the consequences of her own actions, after all, and Chaewon has to let her face them.

At the end of the day, as Chaewon settles into bed, a familiar blonde figure appears in the doorway of her room. Chaewon tries to glare at her, but Yunjin is hard to stay mad at. She may be acting a fool, but God is she cute, her eyes wide and innocent as Chaewon attempts to stare her down.

“Come here, Yunjinnie,” Chaewon relents, beckoning her into the room. She intends to forgive and forget, but as Yunjin approaches Chaewon can already smell another offense on her breath.

“You’re fucking kidding me,” Chaewon raises her eyebrows, “Have you been drinking again?”

“Just a little bit,” Yunjin admits, “Please don’t be mad.”

“I just don’t understand,” Chaewon sputters, “After today you still haven’t learned better?”

“I’m sorry,” Yunjin’s face reddens further.

Chaewon takes hold of Yunjin’s hand, pulling her so that she sits down on the bed, “Promise me this is the last time?”

Yunjin doesn’t answer, eyes fixed on her own hand in Chaewon’s. When she glances up, the intensity of her gaze makes Chaewon’s heart jump. “I think I’m in love with you, Chaewon,'' she says.

Chaewon smiles wryly, “Haven’t we been over this?”

“But last time I said it all angry like ‘I’m in love with you, okay?’” Yunjin does a dramatic imitation of herself, “I want to say it the right way. I’ve never felt anything like this, Chaewon. Touching your hand…it feels like I’m getting electrocuted. I can feel it all over my body. Here.” She moves Chaewon’s hand up to her heart and Chaewon feels the frantic heartbeat matching her own.

“You’re not in love, Yunjin,” Chaewon deadpans, “You’re drunk.”

“I’m in love with you,” Yunjin insists. Chaewon moves her hand off Yunjin’s chest, ducking her head to hide her embarrassment.

“What is it?” Yunjin asks softly, “You don’t like me anymore?”

Chaewon sighs, “I just don’t understand why you’re telling me all these sweet things when you don’t even want to be with me. All it does is make me feel worse.”

“I do want to be with you,” Yunjin insists, “I do, more than anything. But it’s like the first rule of being an idol that you’re not allowed to date, much less someone of the same gender.”

“Since when do you care about the rules for being an idol?” Chaewon mutters. 

“I’m just trying to do what’s best for you.”

“But why do you get to decide what’s best for me?” Chaewon snaps. Yunjin shrinks back and Chaewon feels a twinge of guilt. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to get upset,” She gathers her knees to her chest, looking down so she doesn’t have to meet Yunjin’s eyes, “It’s just that I like you so much it’s driving me crazy. All I want is to be with you. I don’t care about having to hide it, I don’t care if no one else in the world knows except the two of us. I just want you to be mine. I know you don’t owe it to me to date me just because I like you, but I promise I’ll take good care of you if you let me.”

It takes Chaewon a while to build up the courage to look up and when she does Yunjin’s face is inches from hers. Chaewon’s heart spasms in her chest, knowing exactly what Yunjin has on her mind from the way her eyes keep flickering down to Chaewon’s lips. 

“Can I kiss you?” Yunjin says barely above a whisper.

“Wait, wait,” Chaewon lays her hands on Yunjin’s shoulders, “We should talk first.”

“Talk about what?”

Being this close to Yunjin is intoxicating and Chaewon feels her self control slipping away, wanting nothing more than to give in, close her eyes and feel Yunjin’s lips on hers.

“What are we doing? What are we going to be when we wake up tomorrow?”

“That’s tomorrow,” Yunjin murmurs, “Let’s not worry about it, we’re here and it’s now.”

Chaewon shakes her head, “I want to know what we are first.”

“I don’t know,” Yunjin leans impossibly closer to Chaewon, heat growing in the pit of Chaewon’s stomach, “Does it matter?”

Chaewon groans, pushing the younger girl away from her and getting up from the bed to escape the temptation, “Yes, it does. It does to me. I’m not some toy for you to come in and play with when you’re drunk and lonely and then throw away the next day.”

“I know you’re not, I just-”

“I can’t do this anymore, Yunjin,” Chaewon turns around to hide her face, fighting back the tears that threaten to spill, “Please just go.”

“Chaewon.” Yunjin’s voice is so concerned, so caring and Chaewon feels sick to her stomach as the other girl stumbles towards her.

“I asked you to go,” She repeats.

“Okay, fine, I’m going.”

Chaewon waits, listens for the slam of Yunjin’s bedroom door before she herself emerges from the room. She gathers up each and every one of Yunjin’s precious green bottles, emptying them into the sink and leaving them on display for Yunjin to wake up to.

The next day, Chaewon practices for her confrontation with Yunjin over and over in the mirror, anxiety twisting her stomach. She decides it’s best to avoid her as much as possible. Her plan is to be civil, but nothing more. She didn’t anticipate that Yunjin would have the same idea. Yunjin doesn’t mention the empty bottles lined up in the kitchen. She doesn’t even say good morning. Somehow, the silence hurts more than the yelling and accusing that Chaewon prepared for. 

As the day goes on and Yunjin has yet to speak a word to her, Chaewon starts to worry. She’d been angry, but she hadn’t meant to make the younger girl hate her. Yunjin hating her isn’t something Chaewon thinks she can survive. When Yunjin excuses herself from practice early, saying she needs to go back to the dorms, Chaewon’s worry turns to full blown panic. She’s ruined everything. She’s broken Yunjin’s heart and now they’ll never be happy again.

She creeps over to Yunjin’s room that night, feeling more pathetic with each step but continuing anyway. The door is unlocked, but when she pushes it open Yunjin squeals and hides something behind her back. Aside from Yunjin’s suspicious pose, there’s a large bouquet of red roses and a stuffed dog on her desk. 

“No, don’t look!” Yunjin warns, although Chaewon has already seen everything. She sighs, getting up from her chair, “It was supposed to be a surprise.”

“For me?” Chaewon asks, a smile spreading across her face.

“I had to leave early to pick everything up,” Yunjin explains, “Actually, can I start over? I planned what I was going to say but I already messed up.”

Chaewon nods.

“Okay, pretend I haven’t said anything yet,” Yunjin instructs, “Chaewon, can I talk to you please?”

“Oh,” Chaewon feigns surprise, “Of course you can.”

Yunjin smiles shyly, “Um, I wanted to say that I’m really, really, really sorry for how I acted last night. And for coming to practice with a hangover. And for getting drunk in bed at 4 p.m. and embarrassing you. And, um I got you a couple of things, so, um, here.” Yunjin gets redder as she speaks, finally thrusting the bouquet into Chaewon’s hands.

“Thank you,” Chaewon beams at her, “They’re beautiful.”

“And I also got you this,” Yunjin says, awkwardly holding out the dog, “It’s supposed to be me. Because people say I look like a puppy and stuff. I hope it’s not annoying to get you a toy of me while you’re mad at me but I only thought of that after I already bought it and they said they don’t do exchanges.”

Chaewon laughs, taking the dog and setting it back down on Yunjin’s desk along with the bouquet, freeing up her arms to embrace Yunjin. “It’s perfect,” She reassures her.

Yunjin hugs her back with one arm, still clutching something behind her back. “And last I, um, got you this,” She says once Chaewon has pulled away, holding out a card. It’s the kind of card they sell at grocery stores, with a picture of a sunrise on the front along with the words I’m Sorry in gold script. On the inside, it reads,

I know I’ve disappointed you, and I wish I could take it back. I care about you and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Below that, Yunjin has scribbled:

I’m sorry, Chaewon. I rea

“I didn’t get to finish writing,” Yunjin explains, “I was going to say I really regret messing things up between us and I want to do whatever it takes to make it up. Even if that means leaving you alone forever, I want to do whatever is best for you and I…” She trails off, swallowing and brushing her hair out of her face, “And I want you to know how important you are to me and that I’m really sorry I haven’t been showing it properly.”

Chaewon hugs her again, taking the card gently out of her hands and setting it aside so Yunjin’s arms can wrap around her waist.

“I forgive you, Yunjinnie,” Chaewon gives her a squeeze.

“Um, there’s one more thing I wanted to talk about.” The tone of Yunjin’s voice makes Chaewon falter.

She sits down on the bed, looking up at the other girl expectantly, “What is it?”

“Well, I, um, think it might be a little too late for this,” Yunjin says, sitting down beside her, “but I should have done this weeks ago and I figured it’s better late than never. Chaewon, I’ve been so stupid. I keep pushing you away because I’m scared that I’m not good enough to love you. I’m scared to let out all of the feelings that I’ve been bottling up since I was seventeen because I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen when I do. I’m scared that once you see that side of me you’ll see how ugly it all is and you won’t even be able to look at me. But I don’t want to be scared anymore. I thought so much about how I should say this but I don’t want to make things complicated so I’ll just say it plainly. I know I’ve put you through a lot so please don’t feel any pressure to say yes but I wanted to ask you if you wanted to go out with me. Like, on a date.”

Chaewon chews her bottom lip, thinking about her options. She could apologize and explain that this has just been too much for her. That her feelings have changed. That she thinks it's best if things stay friendly between them.

She could say that she isn’t sure, ask for some time to think and take a couple days before returning with her answer by which time the anxiety will have overtaken Yunjin again and she’ll also need a couple days to think and they’ll be stuck in an endless cycle of thinking and worrying and every minute growing nearer to death.

Or…

“Yes,” Chaewon says.

“Yes?” Yunjin repeats, eyes wide with disbelief.

“Yes, I’ll go out with you. On a date ,” Chaewon teases.

“Oh my God,” Yunjin presses a hand to her forehead, “Oh my God.”

Chaewon laughs, pushing Yunjin’s hair away from her face in case she’s feeling overheated, “What is it?”

“I have a date with Kim Chaewon,” Yunjin says.

Rolling her eyes, Chaewon cups the younger girl’s face, “I have a date with Huh Yunjin.”

“Wait but it’s going to have to be after midnight,” Yunjin says with a frown, “Because, practice and stuff.”

“That’s okay,” Chaewon says quickly, before Yunjin can change her mind, “We can drink extra coffee together the morning after.”

Yunjin’s eyes widen, “Oh, Chaewon, I don’t—um, I don’t know if I’m ready yet for–”

“No,” Chaewon gives her a light push, “Not that, you pervert. I just meant the morning after our date.

“Oh,” Yunjin hides her face in her hands, her violent blush showing on her ears.

“You’re so adorable.” Chaewon worries that Yunjin will get tired of being doted on like this, but she just can’t help herself.

Slowly, Yunjin emerges from hiding, a determined look coming across her cute puppy face, “I’m going to make this the best date in the history of love.”

“You better,” Chaewon replies.

Chapter Text

Wednesday, the day before they make the flight to Thailand, Chaewon wakes up early to pack. She smiles when she sees a notification waiting from Yunjin.

Yunjinnie 🦒

date tonight?

yes plz

Chaewon takes a picture of herself in bed, snuggling with the stuffed puppy Yunjin gifted her, and sends it. Yunjin’s reply comes only seconds later.

Yunjinnie 🦒

pretty

that should be me 🤬🤬

come to my room

as soon as i’m done packing

so in about two years

Rolling her eyes, Chaewon drags herself out of bed, not bothering to fix her bed head as she waddles into Yunjin’s room.

“Pupu,” Yunjin smiles at the sight of Chaewon standing in her doorway like the Grudge and rushes over to mess up her hair even further, “Come lie down.” 

Clearing a spot in the mess of clothes on Yunjin’s bed is like parting the red sea, and Yunjin eventually relents and moves a pile to the chair as she continues to fold and pack.

“We’re only going for four days,” Chaewon reminds her, climbing into Yunjin’s bed and breathing in the clean scent of her hair that lingers on the pillow.

“You never know what could happen,” Yunjin points out, “I could trip and fall in a puddle and have to change. I could trip and fall in three puddles in one day, then I’d be so relieved I packed extra.” 

“If you trip and fall in three puddles you can borrow my clothes,” Chaewon promises.

“Thank you, Pupu,” Yunjin pauses to kneel by the bed so their faces are on the same level, “You know, you should start packing too.”

“I can pack in less than 20 minutes,” Chaewon brags.

“Then you can go do it now and be back here in 20 minutes,” Yunjin says with a grin.

“Why are you trying to kick me out?” Chaewon whines, frowning at the younger girl.

“I’m sorry,” Yunjin fluffs Chaewon’s bangs, “If I come cuddle with you for a minute will that help you get started?”
“Five minutes,” Chaewon counters.

“Three minutes?”

“Five minutes.”

“Five minutes,” Yunjin agrees, climbing into bed beside her. Their bodies press together to avoid the pile of clothes taking up half of the already-small bed and Chaewon feels herself growing hot.

Yunjin’s fingertips trace Chaewon’s reddening jawline, an adoring smile on her lips. “What am I going to do with you?” She murmurs.

Chaewon floats through rehearsal in a haze of slender hands brushing against hers and Yunjin’s bright eyes in the mirror. Sakura and Kazuha, too, are wrapped up in their own shy smiles and quiet conversations. During their lunch break, while Yunjin and Eunchae goof off, the two Japanese girls sit together with their legs touching and Chaewon marvels at the peaceful happiness between them. She notices the admiring gaze Kazuha directs at Sakura when the older girl isn’t looking and the way Sakura’s eyes sparkle with pride when she sees Kazuha dance, both girls unaware of just how much they are adored. Chaewon wonders if Yunjin loves her in these silent ways, then wonders if it's too early to even be thinking about that word. Still, she thinks it all the same.

That night, Chaewon opens her closet only to find that she hates every single item of clothing that she owns. She pulls out her phone in a panic, wishing she’d had the foresight to try on every possible outfit combination while she still had time.

Yunjinnie 🦒

how formal should i go?

y r u texting me

i’m like five steps away

just answer the question

not formal

not formal like a sundress or not formal like a t-shirt?

don’t think so much 😭

either of those is good

you look beautiful in anything

ugh yunjinieeee

what are you wearing

🤐

it’s a surprise

i hate you

She screenshots the conversation and sends it to Sakura.

Kkura 🌸

help she won’t tell me where she’s taking me

wtf do i wear

😱

why did you tell her you hate her

…

i have to keep her humble

ur the one complimenting her fifty times a minute

yunjinnieeeeee 🥰🥰🤤🤤 ur so cuteeeee 🥺🥺💖💖💦💦

^this is what i’m subjected to every three seconds

i do not drool…

but you admit the rest is accurate?

i literally cannot help myself

it just comes out

seek professional help

please just tell me what to wear

i’m begging

wear whatever you want

she said anything is fine right?

UGH you’re no help

what do i look prettiest in

we r talking about yunjin right as in huh yunjin?

i think she’d get flustered seeing you in a big bird suit

ew stop

i wld never

the point is u don’t need to worry

u can’t go wrong

ugh okay

ily 🤗 🤗 

wish me luck

u got this 😘😘

👩❤️💋👩 😉

After what feels like centuries of agony, Chaewon decides on a tight white tank top and a tiny black skirt, deciding that her legs freezing and falling off is a small price to pay for fashion. She steps out of the room to see Yunjin waiting on the couch, unbearably attractive in ripped jeans and a flannel over the t-shirt of some band Chaewon has never heard of.

Yunjin springs to her feet when she sees her, “Wow, you look…” She trails off, looking Chaewon up and down like she’s just seen the promised land.

“I knew you’d like it,” Chaewon laughs, doing a little spin so her skirt twirls.

Yunjin awkwardly puts her hands in her back pockets, “Should I change? I mean, you look-”

“Don’t change,” Chaewon says quickly, “Please don’t change. I like you like this.” She walks up to fiddle with the collar of Yunjin’s flannel, more as an excuse to be close with her than anything.

“Wait, I almost forgot,” Yunjin claps her hands together, “So that we don’t get recognized.” She retreats into her room and returns with an assortment of hats, glasses, and a sheet of stick-on mustaches.

“Yunjinnie,” Chaewon sighs.

“Come on, isn’t this cute,” Yunjin models a neon plastic construction hat.

Chaewon raises an eyebrow, “Won’t wearing that make people look at you more?”

“Fine,” Yunjin agrees, “But you need to wear one at least. Your bob is too iconic.” She gasps, placing the construction hat on Chaewon’s head, “Bob the Builder!”

 Chaewon rolls her eyes, pushing the hat back at Yunjin and retrieving a beanie from her room which she tucks her bangs into. Yunjin squeals, taking Chaewon’s face between her hands and kissing the newly exposed skin of her forehead. Chaewon makes a sound of protest and attempts to push her away but Yunjin refuses to be moved.

“Are you sure you don’t want a mustache?” She asks.

Chaewon groans, “Why won’t you let me look pretty for you?”

“Who says mustachewon won’t be pretty?” Yunjin smiles, then quickly suppresses it when she sees Chaewon’s annoyed expression. “You’re the prettiest for me,” She pats Chaewon’s bare forehead, “Should we get going?”

“Please,” Chaewon says sharply, feeling her heart melt as a suddenly chivalrous Yunjin helps her put on her coat but keeping her face sullen all the same.

“Don’t be mad, Pupu,” Yunjin pleads as they make their way down to the street.

“You’re too pretty to be mad at,” Chaewon gives her hand a squeeze, “Where are you taking me?”

“It’s a surprise,” Yunjin insists with a grin. They make their way through Seoul in this way, Yunjin a happy ball of energy and Chaewon enjoying the show, feeling her cheeks start to hurt from smiling. 

“You really are just like a puppy,” She says as Yunjin tugs her down another street.

“You’re just like a radish wrap,” Yunjin replies, pulling Chaewon towards a dingy looking building with a neon sign in the window that reads Open 24 Hours.

“What is this?” Chaewon asks warily as Yunjin holds the door for her. She steps into a little diner with a row of red vinyl booths by the window and a line of stools at the bar, behind which a jolly-looking white man has a towel slung over his shoulder.

“Jennifer!” The man calls, raising his hand in greeting.

Chaewon turns back to Yunjin, bewildered.

“This is Chuck,” Yunjin gestures to the man, “Chef of the finest American cuisine in Seoul.”

Chaewon rubs her forehead as Yunjin goes to chat with the man, Chuck. They talk animatedly in English and Chaewon smiles at the way the man matches Yunjin’s volume. 

After a moment, Chuck leans past Yunjin to peek at Chaewon. “Don’t be shy!” He calls.

Chaewon blinks, taken aback by the man’s perfect Korean. He beckons her closer and Chaewon approaches the bar, waving shyly.

“Is this the little lady you’ve been telling me about?” He asks. 

Yunjin goes red in the face and Chaewon smiles, “What has she been telling you?”

“Just that there’s a certain young lady who’s got our Yunjin all excited,” the man’s eyes twinkle, “Well, I’ll give you two some privacy.” He pretends to busy himself in the kitchen and Yunjin leads Chaewon to a booth in the far corner of the restaurant.

“I’ve got you all excited?” Chaewon teases as they sit down next to each other, squeezing into the same side of the two-person booth.

Yunjin blushes, “He doesn’t know what he’s saying. He’s still learning Korean.”

“Right,” Chaewon smiles, threading her fingers through Yunjin’s under the table. Yunjin leans her head on Chaewon’s shoulder, sighing contentedly. A minute later, the gentle, even breathing in her ear lets Chaewon know Yunjin has fallen asleep. So much for a sparkling conversation. Chuck approaches the table to take their orders and Chaewon gestures for him to be careful, indicating the sleeping girl.

“I already know her order,” He assures her in a whisper, “What can I get you?”

“Oh, um,” Chaewon looks down at the menu which she hasn’t even glanced at, too caught up in the girl asleep on her shoulder, “I’ll just have whatever she’s having.”

What she’s having turns out to be a vanilla milkshake piled high with whipped cream and a bright red cherry. The clink of the glasses on the table stirs Yunjin from her sleep and she rubs her eyes, glancing around the diner to regain her bearings.

“Why did he give us two?” Yunjin asks with a small frown, “It’s better to share one. Like in the movies.”

“Let’s share them then,” Chaewon says, pulling the paper wrapping off the straws and plunking them into the same glass.

“Let’s drink it at the same time,” Yunjin suggests. They lean towards the glass together, making eye contact as they both take a sip, then fighting not to choke as they break out into giggles.

“How do people make it look so romantic?” Chaewon laughs, “It’s so awkward.”

"We’re so awkward,” Yunjin corrects her, “Don’t blame the milkshake.”

“We are,” Chaewon agrees, leaning against the younger girl, “Thank you for taking me here, Yunjinnie.”

“I always wanted to show you this place,” Yunjin beams, “I used to come here all the time as a trainee when I was missing home.”

Chaewon meets her eyes, wondering if there’s a hidden meaning to Yunjin’s words, “Are you missing home right now?”

Yunjin shakes her head, wrapping an arm around Chaewon to pull her closer. “Of course, there are times when I miss my family but,” She swallows, “I mean, it’s different when I’m with you.”

“Yeah?” Chaewon smiles.

“I mean,” Yunjin looks down at her lap, “When I’m with you it would be hard to wish to be anywhere else.”

“Corny,” Chaewon nuzzles into her shoulder, “I’m really glad you’re here, Yunjinnie. I can’t imagine doing this without you.”

Yunjin is silent, and when Chaewon looks up to check on her a big, fat teardrop is rolling down her face.

“Don’t cry,” Chaewon swipes it off with her fingertip, only for it to be replaced by two more dropping off Yunjin’s eyelashes, trailing mascara as they go, “What is it?”

“I’m just happy,” Yunjin croaks, hiding her face in Chaewon’s shoulder. The white fabric of her tank top is undoubtedly going to be streaked black but Chaewon doesn’t care, wrapping her arms around Yunjin as she sniffles. 

“And how are we liking…” Chuck stops in his tracks when he sees the scene at the table, “I’m sorry, uh, I can just come back la–”

“It’s okay,” Chaewon assures him, “They’re happy tears.” She rubs Yunjin’s back and Yunjin squeaks her agreement.

“Are you ladies ready for the check…” Chuck trails off awkwardly and Chaewon nods. 

After they’ve paid, they linger for a minute, looking at each other. “I don’t want to go back to the dorms yet,” Chaewon admits.

“Don’t worry,” Yunjin says, “I still have a little bit more in store for us.” She stands and stretches for a moment before helping Chaewon up after her. Chaewon smiles as Yunjin leads her out of the restaurant, wondering what else this strange girl will surprise her with.

Chapter Text

“Wait, wait, wait,” Chaewon breathes, resting her hands on her knees as they crest yet another hill, moving farther and farther from the city center.

“What’s wrong?” Yunjin says, turning around with nothing but a rosy blush on her cheeks while Chaewon fights for her life.

“My legs are smaller than yours,” Chaewon complains, “How much longer do we have to go?”

“We’re almost there,” Yunjin promises. “Here.” She crouches on the ground so Chaewon can climb onto her back, standing and adjusting before resuming the walk. Chaewon buries her face in blonde hair, chest rising and falling as she fights back exhaustion.
“Go to sleep, Pupu,” Yunjin says softly, “I’ll wake you when we get there.”

“I’ll be too heavy,” Chaewon protests, “And what if I accidentally let go and flop to my death?”

“I won’t let you fall,” Yunjin promises, shifting forward so more of Chaewon’s weight rests on her back although her legs must be killing her. The last thing Chaewon notices before she drifts off is the sweet smell of perfume on Yunjin’s skin.

Chaewon blinks awake when Yunjin sets her down, the cold metal of a park bench shocking her bare legs. It’s a kind of quiet you don’t normally hear in the city, interrupted only by the rustling of wind through the trees and the soft sound of Yunjin catching her breath as she sits down. In front of them the Han River stretches in both directions, and for a moment Chaewon forgets she’s in Seoul at all.

“Did you sleep well?” Yunjin finally asks, fixing Chaewon’s beanie which got knocked out of place during her nap.

Chaewon nods, still only half awake. The cool air coming off of the water is the only thing reminding her that this isn’t a dream, she really is here next to Yunjin and it won’t all disappear when the sun rises.

“How long were you carrying me?” Chaewon lays a hand on Yunjin’s leg as if to examine it for overexertion.

“Not long,” Yunjin reassures her, and Chaewon’s sure it’s a lie.

 “I told you that if you gave me a chance I’d take good care of you,” She remembers, “But you’re the one who’s been taking care of me.”

“It’s enough for you to just be here,” Yunjin says. “I used to dream of being with you like this.”

Chaewon looks over and the younger girl is staring at her own shoes, her face flushed from the bite of the cold air and the heat between them.

“When did you know you liked me?” Chaewon asks.

“When I sang with you,” Yunjin admits, “Into the New World. From the first time I saw you, you were ridiculously pretty. I could never talk to you the way I wanted to. I just couldn’t get the words out. But when we sang together and I looked into your eyes, I felt like I knew you and like…like we were connected somehow. Like I didn’t have to force out a confession for you to understand how I felt. I spent all those years wondering if you felt the same thing. I had an awful crush on you, I really did. I imagined that maybe you felt the same about me because I would have died if I didn’t imagine it. I survived off of delusion alone.”

“I remember that song,” Chaewon murmurs, lost in the memory of the stage lights and Yunjin’s voice soaring above the melody, “You were so pretty, Yunjinnie. I hated you a little bit for being so pretty. I couldn’t understand at the time why I suddenly became this jealous, angry person. Looking back, I don’t think it was jealousy exactly. You gave me this terrible feeling in my stomach. I felt completely sick about you. I didn’t understand anything back then. Honestly, I didn’t understand anything for the longest time. When I met you again that day in the practice room, I felt that sickness in my stomach again and it sent me into a crisis. I kept telling myself: I’m Kim Chaewon. I don’t need to be jealous of her just because she has big eyes and nice lips and a pretty voice. Then I got so freaked out by accidentally thinking about your lips that I just pushed it out of my mind and didn’t acknowledge it again for like a year. I really was going through it.”

“You think I have nice lips?” Yunjin repeats.

Chaewon frowns, “Is that all you got from the story?”

Yunjin makes a kissy face and Chaewon groans, “You’re so annoying.”

“You know, when I thought you liked Kazuha I was suffering something awful,” Yunjin ignores Chaewon’s insult, “I was kicking myself every day. I even thought about dying my hair black in case you weren’t into blondes.”

“What about when you told me you liked Kazuha?” Chaewon laughs, “You nearly killed me with that. Sakura had to give me a talking to ‘cause I couldn’t stop glaring at her. I was completely out of control.”

“You liked me even then?” Yunjin asks, smiling shyly, “I didn’t know that.”

“I liked you so much,” Chaewon confesses, “I mean, I couldn’t admit it to myself, but whenever I saw you with her I felt like I was on fire.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Yunjin asks.

Chaewon’s mouth falls open at the younger girl’s audacity, “You’re the one who took years to confess!”

“Yeah, but that’s because you’re scary,” Yunjin defends herself.

“I’m not scary,” Chaewon insists.

“I thought you’d be annoyed at me,” Yunjin says, “I thought if I told you you would just roll your eyes and say I was being stupid.”

“I would never say that,” Chaewon’s voice softens, reaching up to brush Yunjin’s hair out of her face, “I don’t want you to be scared of me, Yunjinnie. It’s okay if other people are, but not you.”

“I’m not scared,” Yunjin assures her, “I just get nervous that you’ll think I’m weird.”

“You are weird,” Chaewon smiles, “I’ve seen the full extent of your weirdness and I still like you, so there’s nothing to be nervous about.”

Yunjin gasps, “There it is.” She points out towards the river and Chaewon turns to see the bright red beginnings of sunrise peek out over the landscape, washing Yunjin’s face in golden light.

“You’re so beautiful,” Chaewon reaches out to trace her fingers along Yunjin’s jawline, then tentatively brushes them across her lips. They’re soft against her fingertips and she feels her breath catch in her throat.

“You’re supposed to be looking at the sunrise,” Yunjin laughs, “Not me.”

“But how can I not look at you?”

Yunjin blushes, turning to meet Chaewon’s gaze. Her eyes flicker down and for a second Chaewon’s heart seizes, then Yunjin gets up and the moment is gone.

“Okay,” She says, “If I timed this right we should be able to catch the earliest bus back to the dorms.” 

Chaewon stands, quickly grabbing her hand. “Yunjinnie, wait.”

Yunjin turns back toward her, eyes wide and nervous.

“Aren’t you going to kiss me?”

“Oh, I,” Yunjin stutters, “Um, after how last time went I–I thought I shouldn’t but, um, I really want to. Kiss you, I mean, but only if–”

Chaewon presses her lips onto Yunjin’s, straining on her tiptoes and wrapping her arms around Yunjin’s neck. Half of her wants to make the moment last forever, to stay like this until their limbs freeze in that position so Yunjin can never pull away from her, but the other half wants more. Wants Yunjin’s hands on her waist and Yunjin’s tongue in her mouth. Wants to touch and be touched, to know and be known. It’s as if this simple action has awoken some monstrous part of her that wants and wants and wants insatiably without any thought or reservation.

She pulls away, wanting to tell Yunjin everything she’s feeling with no idea how to begin.

“Wow,” Yunjin says.

“We should probably catch the bus now,” Chaewon suggests, suddenly shy of the feelings flooding through her while Yunjin seems so calm.

“Can we stay just a moment longer?,” Yunjin looks at Chaewon hopefully.

Chaewon leans in again, doing everything she can to be gentle on Yunjin’s lips though she’s already become so desperate for their taste, so desperate for more of the euphoria that spreads through her body when she feels Yunjin’s warmth against her. When they finally separate, Yunjin’s breathless smile tells her that she must be feeling the same.

“Let’s go catch that bus.”

Yunjin takes Chaewon’s hand and they take off, adrenaline coursing through Chaewon’s veins, her exhaustion completely forgotten. There will be more than enough time for kissing. There will be more than enough time for late-night dates and milkshakes, park benches and sunrises. There will be time for flowers and heart-shaped chocolates, matching outfits and inside jokes and three-word confessions that spill from lips kissed sore. Maybe, one day, there will be time for diamond rings and white dresses, time for bedtime stories and first steps. For now, Chaewon runs down an empty street with her hand grasped in Yunjin’s, feeling the other girl’s heartbeat pulse in time with her own.